Chapter two

Several weeks passed when the incident that would change my life happened. I was working on homework and a special project Cindy and I were doing together. It was a science project and we wanted to share what we had been observing at the clearing for the last two weeks. The birds had laid their eggs and we were waiting for them to hatch.

Mom was going to go to the store and was putting on her makeup and called me into her room.

“Come here Mark. Let me do your eyes,” she said, holding out the mascara wand in her hand. To this day I still loved the way we played our little game.

“Wait, let me try something different,” she said, trading the mascara for an eyelash curler.

I sat like a good boy should and let Mom curl my lashes before she applied the mascara. She had just finished the third coat when there was a knock on the front door of our house.

The door opened and Cindy shouted as she entered, “It’s me.”

“We’re up here Cindy,” Mom replied, as the door slammed shut. I was still in that moment where the special feelings between my mother and I made me not even think of what would happen when Cindy saw me with mascara for the first time. I might mention Cindy and I would regularly enter each other’s home without waiting for someone to open the door for us, our friendship was just that way. She entered my mother’s room and stopped. I thought her eyes would pop out of her head when she saw me. She let out a small squeal and ran to me, taking me in her arms and hugged me for at least a minute.

Pushing me back, she said, “You’re beautiful.”

“Its just mascara, Cindy.”

“It’s not that, you’re absolutely beautiful, God, those eyes, oh Mark, I’m so jealous.”

“Its just the mascara Cindy, my mom could do the same to you.”

“Mark, your lashes are so much longer than mine, there would be no way.”

“Mom, please do Cindy’s lashes and show here that she will look the same as me.”

“I’ll try, but honey, your lashes are so long that I can’t think of a person that would look as pretty as you.”

Mom curled Cindy’s lashes and then applied the mascara. We stood side by side in front of the mirror on Mom’s vanity. It was then that I knew, I was beautiful. Cindy was gorgeous, but I had something special and I was beautiful. My eyes stood out like beacons in the night, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was prettier than my best friend.

“Mark, why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

“Cause it was just something Mom and I did, it was our little thing.”

“Have you ever dressed up like a girl?”

“Good grief no, I’m a boy. Mom’s been doing this for as long as I can remember. It’s just a game.”

Cindy looked and then dropped the subject. It would be our little secret.

We both turned eleven and nothing was ever said again about the mascara incident. Cindy started to model clothing for several online distributors of girls clothing and was making some decent money. We would spend hours on line comparing her to the other child models in her age group and she would tell me about the clothing she was wearing, how it felt and looked, whether she liked it or not. I would agree or comment as if I was her best girlfriend not her best friend, but girlfriend. This became my life when I wasn’t with the guys I hung with during school and sometimes after. I might have been Cindy’s best girlfriend, but I was still tough as nails, Mark, when I was with the boys in my crowd. Frank had decided I was fodder once more but changed his mind after I gave him a bloody nose. He never bothered me again, even after I had my big break. That break came a year later.

Cindy and I were as close as ever. I knew every boy she adored and every one that broke her heart. I knew every feeling she had from her first kiss until her last. She would come to my house and we would sit side-by-side pouring out our deepest thoughts while she polished her nails or I would do her toes for her. Girl friends did that.

“Let me do yours?” she would ask.

“No way Cindy. I’m your best friend, not a nail model,” I giggled.

“It won’t hurt.”

“It might if I went to school with polish on, no.”

And that was that. Cindy knew where to draw the line, as did I. I was still a boy, a very pretty one, but still a boy. That was about to change.

I had just turned twelve when the big break came. As I had mentioned, Cindy’s mom had gotten her into modeling. Being a former model herself, she had the connections to succeed. Some how after one of Cindy’s modeling shoots her mother asked if she knew of anyone pretty enough to be a model. Apparently if she found someone and that person signed a contract she would get a finders fee for her service.

Cindy laughed and her mother asked what was so funny?

“The only person I can think of is Mark.”

“Mark James?”

“Yes Mark. He’s the prettiest person I know.”

“But he’s a boy.”

“I know Mom, that’s why I’m laughing.”

Gloria, Cindy’s mom was silent for a moment as she thought about her daughter’s best friend. She pictured his face and his soft features and thought about those eyelashes she so easily overlooked on her daughter’s best friend, a boy. Maybe, just maybe there might be something there. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.

“Cindy, do you think Mark might want to become a model?”

“I don’t know, he never mentioned it.”

“How did you find out he was so pretty?”

“It was by accident. I went to his house and his mother called me up stairs and it was just after she had put mascara on him.”

“Why would she do that?”

“He told me it was a game he and his mother have been playing since he was a little boy because his lashes were so long. It was just a game and nothing was meant by it.”

“Do you think he would let me put a little makeup on him?”

“I don’t know why not?”

“Would you ask him for me?”

“Sure Mom.”

Cindy returned home from her trip and called me the minute she walked into her house.

“Mark,” she said, when I answered the phone.

“Hi Cin, what’s up?”

“God I had so much fun this trip,” she gushed. “It was different than the last time. We even had lunch with the woman who owns the product line I modeled. Her clothes are soooo nice.”

“Tell me about them.”

“No come over and I’ll show you.”

“Okay, be there in a minute.” I said, and put the phone down.

“Mom, I’m going over to Cindy’s,” I yelled, as I ran through the door.

“Be home for dinner.”

“Yes Mom.”

A minute later I knocked on Cindy’s front door.

“Come in Mark,” I heard her mother say.

Opening the door, I said, “Hi, Mrs. Meyer.”

“Hi, Mark, Cindy’s up stairs in her room.”

“Thanks.”

Now, normally a parent wouldn’t let a boy go to their daughter’s bedroom, but both my parents and Cindy’s knew I really wasn’t a boy, but her best friend. Oh sure, I was a boy, but not when it came to Cindy, I was the person she trust most in the world and she had had more than one discussion with her parents about me and our special relationship. She also confided her feelings for other boys sexually and as she said I was her best girlfriend and there was never any sexual feelings, on her or my part. We were best friends, period. I couldn’t help noticing Mrs. Meyer staring at me as I ran up the stairs to Cindy’s room.

“Hey,” I said, as I entered her room.

“I have so much to tell you. Just wait until you see the modeling disc they gave me from the shoot. I have it in my desktop. Let me turn it on.”

Cindy loaded the disc and started it playing.

Her first outfit was a dress. It was obvious that it was for someone older as the length stopped above mid-thigh, and she was wearing heels. Her makeup made her look much older and she was gorgeous. I noticed too that she now had a much different figure than when she left two days before.

“Oh Cindy, your gorgeous,” I gushed.

“Don’t you just love it?”

“I do, but how did you get your figure?”

“They padded it,” she said, as she turned and posed confidently on the screen. “Even you could have curves like that if you wanted?”

“Why would I want curves, I’m a boy.”

“No you’re not, you’re my best girlfriend and you know it.”

“I’m still a boy.”

“Not when you’re around me when we’re alone.”

“Only because I fee like a girl when I’m with you. What we have is special.”

Cindy hugged me. I guess girls never tire of hugging and it makes us feel good. Us? What am I thinking?

The disc ran for forty minutes with both of us commenting on the fashions. If something didn’t look good I said so and if they did I also commented. We were just two girlfriends growing into women, well Cindy was and I was on for the ride.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“I loved it.”

“How would you like to do the same thing?”

“What?”

“How would you like to model?”

“You mean boy’s clothes?”

“No, girl’s.”

“How could I do that, I’m a boy.”

“You could with my mom’s help.”

“That’s just plain silly Cindy.”

“No it’s not. Please let my mom do something with you. I’ll be fun?”

“You promise?”

“Mark, you’re my best friend. I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“I know.”

Yep it was hugs time again.

Cindy and I went back down to see her mother and I would have an idea of what she wanted to do.

“Mom, Mark says he’ll let you do what ever it is you want to do,” Cindy said.

“Oh Mark, we’re going to have so much fun,” Mrs. Meyer said.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“You’ll see, but mainly I want to take some pictures of you. First I’ll take ones of you without any makeup on and then I’ll go to work on you,” she laughed.

Mrs. Meyer took several pictures of me, from the front and side with her digital camera. When she finished she showed Cindy and me the pictures. Yep, they look just like me, I thought.

“You know, you have beautiful eyes, even without makeup,” she said, in an almost reverent tone of voice.

“Now I want to try something different. Let me put this wig on your head,” she said, removing an auburn wig from a Styrofoam stand.

She placed it carefully on my head and brushed it out. Glancing in the mirror I realized I no longer looked like a boy, but a girl with a very grown up hairstyle. Mrs. Meyer took more pictures of me with the wig on my head. Next came the eyelash curler and mascara, more pictures, and then she went all out. I had no idea so much work went into looking pretty, eye shadow, three different shades, eyeliner, more mascara, eyebrow pencil with the promise that if what she thought would happen she would pluck my brows to clean them up. Lipstick and gloss followed until she said she was done. More pictures followed from every angle possible. Mrs. Meyer had covered the mirror after my first look at myself without makeup and I was dying to see the pictures. The whole time Cindy had watched on silently.

“Mom, show, Mark, the pictures.”

“Okay, Mark are you ready to see the next big name in modeling?”

“I guess.”

Naturally I was curious as to what I looked like after all the work Cindy’s mom had done to my face. To say I didn’t recognize the woman in the photo would be an understatement. I was beautiful and I looked like I was twenty years old.

“I can’t believe that’s me.”

“Believe it Mark, you’re going to make some waves, girl.”

“But, I’m not a girl Mrs. Meyers.”

“You might not think so, but your pictures say something else.”

I removed the cover from the mirror and just stared at myself. There were no words to express the feelings I had at that moment. I was beautiful and my best girlfriend had shown me just how pretty I could be. After seeing my image in the mirror I had no doubt I was my best friend’s girlfriend no matter how much I tried to convince myself I was a boy. When I finally smiled at myself in the mirror, I knew I would be breaking hearts.

“Okay Mark, it’s time to remove your makeup. I’m sure you don’t want to go home looking like a super model, I’m not sure your mother would understand.”

Mrs. Meyer removed my makeup and sent me home a half of an hour later. I was still in awe from what I had seen. I had always thought Cindy was the prettiest girl I knew, but after seeing myself, God this was so messed up, I was way prettier than her. At least I can still she’s the prettiest girl I know since I’m still a boy.

When I’m with my boy friends at school, or anywhere else, no one questions who I am, even with my pretty face. It’s no wonder Frank the bully thought I was an easy mark, looking the way I do. I may be pretty, but I’m still not a sissy, just ask Frank and any of the other kids who look to me for protection.

As I’ve said already, I’m tough as nails, and I’ll do anything, any other boy will do. I’ve had the scrapes to prove it. Maybe that’s why I don’t object to looking like a pretty girl.

Who’s going to tease me about it?

Certainly not Frank or his cronies.
 

 
Chapter Three
 
 
Several weeks passed since our little game at Cindy’s house. I was just getting over how pretty I was when the phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Mark, quick, come over. My mom has something to tell you.”

Remembering the last time Mrs. Meyer got involved in my life I couldn’t help wonder what she had in mind.

“Come in Mark,” Cindy yelled, when I knocked on the door. “We’re in the kitchen.”

I walked back to the kitchen and saw Cindy and Mrs. Meyer sitting at the table with photos spread over the top of it.

“What are you looking at?” I asked.

“Your pictures. God Mark, I’m so jealous. You’re beautiful,” Cindy gushed.

“Come on Cindy, I’m not that pretty.”

“Oh but you are, look.”

I looked at the pictures Mrs. Meyer had taken of me and for some reason they looked different on paper. I still had a hard time believing they were pictures of me. Cindy was right; I was beautiful, drop dead gorgeous. To say it kind of creeped me out would be an understatement. The first picture was easy to see me, because it was, just me, no makeup. The only thing that bothered me about the picture was I still was pretty in an understated way.

“What can you tell me about that photo, Mark?” Mrs. Meyer asked.

“It’s me and except for my hair I look like a girl.”

“Beside looking like a girl what else do you see?”

“My eyes are kind of pretty and my lips are kind of, I don’t know, puffy?”

Mrs. Meyer giggled when I said that.

“Those are called full lips, Mark. Women all around the world have things put in their lips to look like that.”

“Oh.”

“Now, look at the next picture, the one with the wig, what do you see?”

“Me again, but I look more like a girl.”

“Good, now look at the picture with just the mascara.”

I looked and saw what a dramatic in my appearance my eyes made. There was no mistaking me for anything other than a girl, a really pretty one at that.

“What do you think now?” Mrs. Meyer asked.

“I’m beautiful.”

“Yes you are and with hardly any makeup on at all. Mark, you’re a natural. Now look at the last photo, the one with all the makeup. What do you think?”

What could I think?

I was gorgeous.

I looked like one of those models in Cindy’s Teen Magazine. Being truthful I was prettier than any of those models, which pretty much sucked. I’m a boy for God’s sake and I’m not supposed to look that pretty. I know Cindy’s my best friend, and I’m hers, and she calls me her best girlfriend, but we both know I’m really a boy, even though we carry on as though I was really female.

When I’m with my boy friends at school, or anywhere else, no one questions who I am, even with my pretty face. It’s no wonder Frank the bully thought I was an easy mark, looking the way I do. I may be pretty, but I’m still not a sissy, just ask Frank and any of the other kids who look to me for protection. As I’ve said already, I’m tough as nails, and I’ll do anything, any other boy will do. I’ve had the scrapes to prove it. Maybe that’s why I don’t object to looking like a pretty girl, who’s going to tease me about it, certainly not Frank or his cronies?

“Mrs. Meyer, I don’t know what I should say. To be honest that’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and can’t believe it’s me. A boy shouldn’t be that pretty.”

“Well, you are, Mark, and that’s why I asked you over here today. As you know, I used to be a model, and Cindy is one now. I know you share her experiences when you talk about her photo shoots, after all you’re best friends. Getting to the point, I showed your photos to the modeling agency that represents Cindy, and signed me when I was still in the business. I’ve maintained a relationship with the agency, which is why I showed them your pictures. Do you know what they said?”

“No, maybe a boy shouldn’t be that pretty?”

“No Mark, that’s not what they said. They want to sign you as soon as possible. They’re exact words were, you could be bigger than Cindy Crawford.”

“Who’s Cindy Crawford?” I asked.

“You don’t know who Cindy Crawford is? Oh Mark, she was just the most popular model in the business. Every girl I knew wanted to be Cindy Crawford. How do you think my Cindy got her name? Cindy was the only name I would consider for my daughter, but never mind, getting back to you. My agency has shown your picture to several clients and do you know what they said?”

“No.”

“They said they had to have you, you, a boy who doesn’t know who Cindy Crawford is. Mark, Lush Cosmetics has already said they will pay you what ever you want, with in reason, to represent their products. Do you have any idea of how much money we’re talking about here?”

“No.”

You could see the excitement in Mrs. Meyer’s eyes as she spoke to me. I hadn’t the vaguest idea of what she was talking about. Lush Cosmetics, Cindy Crawford, how much money, it was making my head spin. God, all I am is a boy with a pretty face and to be honest, I liked being a boy. My dad and I did things girls just wouldn’t understand, like play ball just to throw it back and forth, or kick a soccer ball and try to score a goal off one another. It would be the same as asking a boy what girls saw in playing with dolls. Girls play with dolls and boys don’t.

Why do you think the Ken doll was such a dismal failure? Ken was a doll and boys don’t relate to dolls, even macho Ken dolls. We need real events for fun whereas girls are more intuitive, their efforts softer than boys. I considered myself lucky for being Cindy’s best friend and I was able to play like a girl, yet still fish and play ball like any other boy. I truly had the best of both worlds.
 
 
“Mark, one million dollars wouldn’t be out of the question, even for someone like you that’s never modeled before and that’s just the start. Other companies will line up for you to feature their lines. By the time you graduate from high school you could be worth over ten million dollars. Now wouldn’t that be a nice nest egg for college?”

“You’re just teasing me, aren’t you Mrs. Meyer. They do know I’m a boy don’t they?”

“No, we haven’t gotten that far just yet.”

“What do you think they will say when they find out?”

“There’s no reason for them to know you’re a boy. You’re a minor and would never have all your clothes off in front of anyone. You’re what twelve?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s it, and besides, all they want to use is your face. The only time you’d even have to wear anything remotely female would be during photo shoots. The rest of the time you could be Mark. It would be our little secret.”

“Being a boy isn’t a very small secret Mrs. Meyer, and beside, I doubt my mom and dad would let me do this anyway.”

“Why wouldn’t they? Your mom and dad are very open-minded and when they hear how much money you could be making, they just might see things differently. Wasn’t your mother the one who put mascara on you in the first place?”

“It’s just a little game we played. My mom, doesn’t want me to suddenly become a girl, it was just a game. Cindy just happened to come by after she put the mascara on. If she hadn’t it still would be our secret.”

“Does your father know about your game?”

“Of course. I used to run to him after mom put the mascara on my eyes. He laughed and thought it was funny and said he thought mom wanted a girl and then we would go play ball. It was nothing as far as he was concerned.”

“So, both your parents have no issues with you wearing makeup?”

“It was just mascara and no they wouldn’t mind. I think they would mind if the rest of the world saw me with makeup on.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I’m a boy.”

“And one who could be making a ton of money wearing it. Look Mark, I’m not asking you to change your sex or anything like that. I’m just stating the facts that you’re probably one of the most beautiful people on the planet, and it’s a waste not to do something with your beauty.”

I was getting uncomfortable talking about this. I’m too young to make decisions like this. Millions of dollars is just numbers and I had no idea of what that kind of money could buy. I know my boy friends and I would see a car like a Ferrari and typically say, ‘man, I wish I had a car like that’, but that was just boy talk, we all did it. We couldn’t even drive one for four more years and we had no idea of the cost of one. It was fantasy.

“I have to go home Mrs. Meyer, thanks for all you’ve done for me.”

“Bring these photos with you and talk to your parents. Tell your mom I’ll give her a ring tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

I gathered the photos and tucked them under my arm. I would have folded them but I didn’t want to ruin them. Now all I had to do was show them to my parents.
 
 
“I’m home,” I yelled, as I entered the house.

Mom was cleaning the living room and saw the collection of photos under my arm.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I stammered.

“They look like pictures. Did Cindy give them to you?”

“Umm, yes.”

“Let me see.”

“Not now, Mom.”

“Oh come on, what could be so bad about some pictures?”

Let me see... I look like a beautiful woman for one, and my best friend’s mom wants me to become a model for two, I’m a boy, so I guess that about covers it.

Mom came over and took the pictures from me. The full makeup one was on the top.

“Mark, what a beautiful girl. Who is she? Is she a friend of Cindy’s? She looks like a model.”

Mom didn’t wait for an answer and started turning the photos backward, full makeup, mascara, wig, and just me. From the look on her face, I thought she would crap her panties right there.

“Mark, why are you wearing makeup?”

“Because Cindy asked me to. Remember when she caught us doing our thing with mascara, well she told her mother about it and this is the result.”

“Do you like it?” she asked, somewhat apprehensively.

“I don’t know, it was kind of fun at the time.”

“Do you do this often?” she asked, nervously

“God no Mom! This was the only time.”

My mother looked at me. I could only wonder what she was thinking as she looked at the pictures and then back at me. It wasn’t that warm, but a bead of sweat built on my forehead.

“I don’t understand this,” Mom said, shaking her head back and forth.

“Mom, it was nothing. I won’t do it again.”

“But why did you do it in the first place?”

“Mrs. Meyer wanted to show the pictures to the agency where Cindy works.”

“Do you mean the one that represents her?”

“I guess.”

“Are you trying to tell me other people have seen you looking like this?”
 
 
Mom’s voice started to rise, just a little, but it was like when I had done something wrong and she was really pissed.

“Yes.”

“Oh my God, what will people think?” What did they say? Are we going to be arrested for child abuse?”

“Mom, stop it. Nothing bad happened. They said I could be bigger than Cindy Crawford.”

“Cindy Crawford, what are you talking about?”

“Mrs. Meyer said the people at the agency want me to model for some cosmetic firm and they would give me like a million dollars. She said I could have ten million dollars by the time I graduate from high school.”
 
 
Mom sat down in my father’s chair. Her face had grown pale and I thought she was going to faint.

“Ten million dollars, what are you talking about?”

“Mrs. Meyer said this cosmetic company would pay me one million dollars just to wear their makeup for pictures and then other companies would want me and I’d make all this money. She said she would call you tomorrow.”

“I hope she does. I want a word with that woman. How dare she make my son look like a girl?”

“Umm, if you haven’t noticed, Mom, I already do.”

Mom looked at me and fell silent. She just stared.

I think she had just came to the realization that her boy did indeed look like a girl... and a very pretty one at that.

When I got home from school I heard Mom on the telephone. She was laughing and her mood had changed from the night before. I walked into the kitchen as she hung up the phone.

“Hi honey, oh my God, what happened to you?”

 
Chapter Four
 
 
Oops, I had forgotten to clean my face before I saw my mother. I had cut my lip from fighting with another school bully, this time, one from the eighth grade.

“Umm, I kind of got in a fight.”

“Why would you get in a fight? You know I don’t like it when you do.”

“A bully from the eighth grade pushed me down and called me a fag.”

“Who is this boy? I’m going to call the school. I won’t have my son bullied.”

“Mom, don’t. I handled it. He won’t bother me again.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I kicked his ass,” I laughed.

“Don’t you use those words young man and I don’t want you fighting anymore. It might ruin your looks.”

“My looks?”

“Yes your looks. I called Cindy’s mom and was going to give her a piece of my mind and she explained what she was trying to tell you last night. You could become a very wealth young man if we allow you to become a model for Lush Cosmetics. She told me all about Cindy’s modeling assignments and how no one would ever know you were a boy. She said the only time you would have to dress like a girl was when you went on assignment for a job. All anyone would ever see would be your face in the advertisements. She also told me that Lush had already started negotiating with Hollywood Models for your services even though you haven’t even signed yet.”

Mom was as excited as a cheerleader, bouncing around the kitchen, waving her hands as she talked. I wondered if she had decided she wanted her son to be that girl in the magazine ads?

“Mom, do you want me to sign a contract with those people?”

“It wouldn’t hurt. I think your father, you, and I need to talk when he gets home from work tonight.”

“Yes Mom.”

I went to my room and did my homework. I might be tough as nails, but I wanted to get good grades and I didn’t want to be a loser like Frank the Bully. Dad arrived home and Mom called a conference after dinner.

“Lance, something has taken place with our son that could make the difference between going to a community college or some place like Stanford when he graduates from high school. He has the opportunity to make a lot of money, and I think he should take it.”

“What’s a lot of money? How much can a boy his age make, several thousand dollars? That won’t get him into Stanford, but good grades will earn him a scholarship.”

“Honey, I’m not talking about a few thousand dollars. I’m talking about millions.”

Dad’s mouth opened but nothing came out. I had to stifle a laugh because he looked like a fish out of water. He was finally able to speak.

“Millions, how in the world could that happen?”

“Now don’t get mad and even I have a hard time believing what I’m going to show you.”

Mom took my photos and laid them down in front of Dad, one at a time the way she had seen them, full makeup back to just me. The look on his face was priceless. Now even he could see that his son never looked like a boy even though I was one.

He looked at the photos side by side and then looked at me. There was a sadness in his eyes.

“What happened to your lip?” he asked, noticing for the first time the swollen little knot where I caught the fist that cut my lip.

“It’s nothing, a bully got lucky and hit my lip. I kicked his ass though,” I remarked proudly.

Dad’s sullen look brightened, realizing that his son might look like a pretty girl, but he was still all, boy, and a tough one at that.

“Mark, I told you not to use that word.”

“Oh come on Rachel, he’s just a boy.”

“A boy with a dirty mouth. I won’t have that in my home and beside how do you think it would look for the model representing Lush Cosmetics to talk about kicking someone’s ass?”

“You can’t be serious?”

“Yes I am serious. What’s the worse that could happen? Just because Mark would wear some makeup doesn’t mean he would turn into a girl. It would just be a job, and he would be a boy whenever he wasn’t modeling. Think about it honey, no worries about college except where to go. It’s a no brainer.”

“I don’t like it, but it isn’t up to me. It’s Mark’s decision to make. He’s the one that’s going to be a girl to make that money. What do you think, Sport?”

“I don’t know, it was kind of fun when Mrs. Meyer put on the makeup and it didn’t hurt me, and I wouldn’t mind making that much money.”

“What about school? Where would these modeling sessions take place? If he misses too much school his grades will suffer and all the money in the world won’t get him into Stanford, he still has to have good grades.”

“Gloria says that the agency will provide tutors if the sessions go for more than a day and she says they’re very good at what they do.”

Mom turned toward me and asked, “What do you want to do? I think you should do it, and your father apparently doesn’t like the idea, so the decision is yours.”

I thought about what Mom was asking. I’m only twelve years old and she’s asking me to make an adult decision that will affect me for the rest of my life. Should I do it? Why not? Well maybe because I couldn’t fight anymore, but its not like I live to kick someone’s ass. The only reason I fight is to protest myself, It was fun, and to be honest with myself I liked looking pretty. I decided to do it.

“I think I’ll do it, that way you won’t have to worry about paying for college,” I said, bravely. I’m doing it for you guys, yeah, right.

After I made my decision ,Mom, called, Mrs. Meyer and let her know of my decision. They talked for a while before Mom got off the phone. As soon as she did the phone rang, it was Cindy.

“Oh God Mark, Mom just told me. I’m so excited. We’re going to have so much fun doing this together, and there’s so much to do?”

“Like what?”

“You have to think of a girl’s name to start with. You can’t very well be a girl model named, Mark James. We have to think of a girl’s name for you.”

“Do you have any ideas?”

“No, but that should be something you do. A girls name is something she will cherish for the rest of her life.”

I thought for a while and remembered a girl’s name I really liked.

“What about, Amanda, I really like it,” I said.

“I do too. Amanda James. It’s pretty.”

“I don’t think it should be James. I don’t want people thinking Amanda James, Mark James. No the last name has to be different.”

I thought of different last names but didn’t like any of them and then something caught my eye. Mom had placed a vase full of flowers on the mantel in the living room and I knew that was it.

“I’ve got it Cin, Amanda Flowers. I’m going to be Amanda Flowers.”

“Amanda Flowers, that’s so pretty, but you should have a middle name too.”

“I thought of the first and last, you choose.”

“I like Christine. It’s a very pretty name. Amanda Christine Flowers. God girl, you’re going to be so popular with a name like that, just wait and see.”

Little did I know what an impact that simple thing would have on me. I had just created myself, well my girl self, but none the less the impact was huge, especially for a twelve-year-old boy.

After I got off the phone with Cindy, I went to my room, lying on my bed, I let random thoughts run through my head, mostly about being Amanda. I was going to be Amanda Christine Flowers, a girl I didn’t even know. When this crazy modeling thing started, I thought Mrs. Meyers was joking with me, not realizing she would get a job for me. She did though, so I went along with it. Part of the job was to be female, and after seeing my picture, I knew that wouldn’t be a problem, at least not on the outside. What about the inside? It was just a job; wear some makeup take a few pictures and I’d be done. It was part of life, something would occur and the result was being pretty on my part but guided by someone else’s effort. I know it’s hard to explain so let me do it this way. When I was born I was named Mark Edward James. I like my name, but someone else gave it to me. As a result everything I’ve done in life is a result of being named by my parents. Whether I played ball, ate a sandwich or rough housed with my friends it was because I was Mark Edward James. Things were expected of me like being tough, hence tough as nails or behaving like a boy. Even after my mother would apply mascara to my eyes, the expectation was to participate in male oriented activities. The mascara was nothing more than some black smudges on my eyes, like grease under a mechanic’s nails. It was what it was. Don’t get me wrong; I love the person I’ve become, a real honest to goodness boy, and one with a pretty face.

Choosing her name did something to me inside my body. Amanda Christine Flowers was my creation, not Mom’s and not Dad’s, she was mine. It’s like my parents having a baby, they mate and create life. No one did it for them, they created that baby themselves. I had just done the same thing myself; created Amanda Christine Flowers and I loved her as much as if she was my own child. She was a girl and a pretty one at that and she was I. I wanted to embrace her with all my heart, but how? I was Mark James, not Amanda Christine Flowers, or was I. I was Cindy’s best girlfriend, she said so, herself more than once, and I don’t think I loved anyone more than her except for my parents. Every moment with Cindy was a special moment, ones shared by two people who loved each other more than life itself. She picked Christine for my middle name and knew she did because she loves me. I would always be Amanda Christine, in her eyes for as long as I lived.

I’m Mark James, not a girl, so why do I yearn so to be Amanda Christine Flowers so badly? It must be the name, my name, the one I created, Amanda, not Mark the name someone else gave me but, Amanda, a name I love because, Amanda, is me and I created her.

My face was wet from the tears I didn’t know I was shedding. Why would I be crying? I wasn’t sad nor had anything happened to me to make my cry and yet my pillow and face were soaked.

Not realizing how much time had passed during my thoughts and saw it was after ten in the evening. I called good night to Mom and Dad and went to sleep.

“As scary as it may sound, I think Amanda would kill to be with you, but Mark would rather play ball and get dirty with his friends.”

Chapter 5

From that day forward Cindy called me Amanda, using Mark only when someone might hear my female name and even then, she would forget on occasion. We were at school one day and Cindy, Jennifer, and Margret were talking about going to the mall In Auburn the next day.

“Amanda and I went there, just yesterday,” Cindy said, without thinking.

“Who’s Amanda?” Jennifer asked. “I thought you and Mark went together.”

“Oh we did, did I say Amanda? I meant Mark, Amanda’s my cousin and she’s coming to visit this weekend,” Cindy said, pulling herself from the hole she just dug around herself.

“Oh.”

We split up with the three girls going their way and Cindy and I ours.

“God Cindy, you have to be more careful. No one knows about Amanda, other than you and if anyone finds out about her, I can kiss my modeling career goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot. I’m so used to calling you, Amanda, now, that I forget, Mark’s still around.”

“Well, he’s going to be around for a long time so please try not to forget.”

“Okay girlfriend, now are you coming with me and the girls, shopping?”

“I doubt it, Mark has a lot of other things he would rather do,” I laughed.

“Like what? Wouldn’t your rather spend quality time shopping with your best friend in the world?”

“As scary as it may sound, I think Amanda would kill to be with you, but Mark would rather play ball and get dirty with his friends.”

“Party-poop.”

So it went and I wondered if our role-play was screwing me up? I was, Mark, one minute and, Amanda, the next. No I didn’t all of a sudden sit with my legs together or have a feminine walk, on the outside I was always, Mark. It was inside that changed. I could be, Mark, one minute and become, Amanda the next. When I was, Amanda, I abhorred violent play with my friends. I loved discussing the most feminine pursuits like clothing and makeup. If one were to hear my conversations with Cindy, one would think I was gay or a girl, just not one that liked boys. I never really noticed girls and pretty much ignored my guy friends when they would say something crude about them. Sometimes I would change into my Amanda personality when they said something inappropriate and I felt like slapping them. How dare they insult us girls like that I wondered?

Even as I spent more time as Amanda, I had no desire to dress as a girl. My clothes were what they were. I was nothing more than a girl cross-dressing as far as I was concerned. I would do my homework and feel as though Amanda was doing it for me. Strangely though, my handwriting improved as Amanda would write one of my assignments. More than once, I was asked, by my teacher, who wrote my paper for me? My writing had become feminine and flowing when I was, Amanda, and remained somewhat messy when I was, Mark. My excuse was that my mother wanted me to improve my writing skills before I entered the eighth grade.

I think the hardest parts of my day were when I became, Amanda, and they were becoming more frequent as time passed. I had created this special girl, and now I was becoming more and more like her each day. Every experience was new to Amanda, writing or talking to Cindy; every moment was a learning experience for her. I was so confused as to how and why this was happening, but did nothing to stop it. I didn’t want to destroy my creation, I wanted to embrace her. I loved who I was becoming.

My first taste of girl’s clothing came several weeks later. Don’t get the wrong impression that, Amanda, had finally turned my brain feminine, even though she pretty much had, part of the time anyway. What happened was that I finally got my first modeling assignment. All that had to be done was to sign the contracts with the modeling agency and then the contract with Lush Cosmetics. Mrs. Meyer was handling the whole thing.

My parents and I were asked to come to her house to sign at seven in the evening. She said she would have a Notary to witness our signatures.

During the time I picked a name for myself and the signing I told my parents what my name would be for my modeling contract. It was three days after I picked the name that I caught Mom in the kitchen when I returned from school.

“Mom, I picked a name for myself for when I do my modeling.”

“You did? I hadn’t thought of that, but it’s obvious that you couldn’t portray a girl and be named Mark,” she giggled. “So what kind of name did you pick for yourself?”

“Amanda Christine Flowers.”

Mom was silent for several seconds as she looked at me. I could see her eyes misting before she spoke.

“Oh Mark,” she said, and gathered me into a hug, “that’s such a beautiful name. How did you pick it?”

“I kind of liked, Amanda, for a name and, Cindy, liked it so she thought I would be Amanda James, but I told her I didn’t want anyone to associate Amanda James with Mark James. I couldn’t think of a name but saw the flowers in the vase in the living room and I thought Flowers would be a pretty last name. Cindy said I needed a middle name and suggested Christine and I liked it, so that’s how I became Amanda Christine Flowers.”

“You’re such a girl, Mark. I would never have thought you would find a name so pretty. I’ll let Dad know his daughter’s name when he gets home tonight. There is something to think about though, you’re a minor and we will have documents to sign at some point so I’m not sure how we will be able to handle having a daughter with a different last name. We’ll figure something out. Now, Amanda, get to your room and do your homework,” she said, followed with giggles.

Mom, calling me, Amanda, seemed weird but pleased me just the same. I knew she was just kidding me, but that one moment cemented an acceptance of having a new daughter even if it was just for a job. I wasn’t sure why it was so important to me for that acceptance, after all, I’m still a boy named, Mark, but it was, and it made me feel very special. The feelings I got were the feelings a mother and daughter shared that made mother, daughter relationships so special.

Later that afternoon my father got home from work and Mom gave him the news of my new part-time name.

“Mark, would you come here, please” my Mom called to me.

“Sure Mom, be right there.”

I went to the kitchen and found my mom sitting at the kitchen table, Dad with a beer and Mom with a glass of wine.

“Mark,” my dad began, “you’re mother told me you’ve picked a name for yourself for this job you have?”

“Yes Dad, Amanda Christine Flowers.”

“That’s what she said. Are you sure you’re okay with this? That name is awfully feminine sounding. I hope you’re not forgetting you’re a boy.”

“I like that name Dad, and besides, I’m supposed to be a girl for those ads they want to make.”

“Why couldn’t you have picked a more masculine sounding name like Leslie or something?”

“I liked Amanda and that’s why I chose that name. What difference does it make anyway, I’m still your son.”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m still having a problem with this whole girl thing. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have a daughter named Amanda Flowers.”

“Dad, it’s just a name. I needed one for the girl I’m supposed to be. A name doesn’t automatically turn me into a girl, and how would you feel if the girl in the ad was named Mark James?”

“I see your point, it’s just that I worry about what this girl thing might do to you.”

“Dad, nothing’s going to happen to me. I’ll still be your son, except for a few days a year when I’m supposed to be a girl. Nothing bad is going to come from this unless I can’t get into Stanford because I have too much money,” I laughed.

“Having too much money and getting into Stanford is something I would never worry about. I guess I’ll have to accept that I have a part time daughter named Amanda, but that won’t get you off the hook, we will still play ball together and the American river is just up the road so that means fishing too, so remember, we guys clean the fish and the girls cook them, so no excuses when it’s time to clean the fish.”

“Yes Dad.”

I felt good knowing my father accepted my new job and yet embraced the fact that I was still his son, one that he had shown how to be a man.

We walked to the Meyer’s house and knocked on the door. Cindy answered.

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. James. Mom’s in the kitchen with the Notary.”

“Hi Cindy, it’s nice to see you again,” my mother said.

I smiled at my best friend and followed my parents into the kitchen.

As we entered the kitchen, Mrs. Meyer rose and walked to my mother and gave her a hug, an embrace of my father followed next. She looked at me and gave a little wink.

“Amanda, I’m so excited about all this,” she said, finally hugging me too.

I wondered why she was so giddy, and why I was suddenly, Amanda? When my parents read the documents I found out why. The notary would be witnessing signatures on documents stating that I was indeed a girl entering a modeling contract with an agency and my parents were legal guardians and responsible for said minor.

“Lance, Rachel, should we get started? This is Carol Bernstein a close friend and notary. She has an appointment in thirty minutes so we’ll have to hurry and sign the contract with the agency and me.”

Dad was always the one who read important papers and explained them to Mom. It took Dad about ten minutes to read the contract before he spoke to Mom.

“Honey, what this says is that Amanda will be entering a legally binding contract as Amanda James, with Hollywood Models Inc., as a minor with us as being responsible for any business dealings. Gloria is to be compensated with a finders fee for finding Amanda and will be compensated with a percentage of the agencies fees after Amanda makes more than five hundred thousand dollars. The agency’s percentage will be one third of her earnings. Gloria’s fees will come from the agency, not from any extra money from Amanda. Amanda won’t be able to sign for anything. That will have to come from us. The contract is for one year with an option to extend it for two more years. If extended, the percentages will remain the same.”

“What about Amanda Christine Flowers.”

“The contract is written as Amanda Mark James AKA Amanda Christine Flowers so there shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Gloria, may we speak to you privately please?” Mom asked.

“Certainly, lets go into the living room.”

Mom and Dad followed Gloria into the living room. I followed. I all of a sudden got this sinking feeling in my stomach that Mom wouldn’t let me do this.

“Gloria, I don’t have a problem with the contract. You’re being more than fair but there is an issue that hasn’t been mentioned and it’s the obvious thing about all this, Mark’s gender. We’re signing these documents as though Mark’s a girl and we all know that’s not the case. How do we get around that little thing?” Mom asked.

“It won’t be a problem. The contract doesn’t say anything about sex, I made sure of that. If it had said Amanda Mark James, female this wouldn’t be happening. I’m at just as much risk as you and maybe more because of my involvement in all of this. I already told the agency what Amanda’s name was including the Mark part, explaining you two couldn’t agree on a name for your child and named Amanda with boy’s middle name. It’s kind of like that Johnny Cash tune called ‘A boy named Sue’.

“As long as you’re comfortable with it then, we’ll sign. I guess the worse that could happen is the contract would be revoked.”

We returned to the kitchen to sign.

The only documents that were notarized were the Agency ones. A second contract was with Lush Cosmetics and those didn’t have to be witnessed.

Part of the Agency contract was the requirement that I had to put together portfolio. Obviously it would be for a girl named Amanda Flowers and more than headshots would be involved. Now, as a twelve-year-old girl, not a lot of skin would show, but I would be required to wear blouses, jeans, skirts, and a dress, with swimming suits optional. We read the requirement and it was like looking at a brick. We had no idea what to do with it.

“Amanda, don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. We can use Cindy’s photographer and I know what clothes you should wear. Your mom and I can take you shopping. Is tomorrow too soon, Rachel?”

Mrs. Meyers had become a woman obsessed. Her business personality was one I had never seen before. She had taken charge of my life as CEO and my mother was her next in charge, the one to give orders after she had given them.

Mom looked like a deer in the headlights. She froze, trying to absorb what was happening to her son. Clothes, so soon?

“Who’s going to pay for all of this?” Mom asked.

“Unfortunately you’ll have to pay for the clothing, but the agency will pick up the photographer. They don’t know Amanda’s a boy so they just assume she would have the necessary clothes already.”

“I suppose, when, after school?”

“Yes, I’ll pick you up when the kids get home. You’re going to love shopping with our daughters.”

I couldn’t help noticing the reaction on Mom’s face, one of resignation, and what seemed like a little bit of life leaving my dad as he slumped down on the chair where he was sitting. I didn’t know if I should smile or cry for what I was putting them through.

I think the hardest part of this journey is the excitement I was feeling, or I should say Amanda was feeling. The thought of me wearing a dress was breaking my father’s heart, even though I assured him I was still going to be his son after this was all over. The more I thought of being Amanda, the more I wondered if that were true. Would I really be able to discard the girl I had given birth to? I was beginning to understand what my tears the day before were all about. A part of me had become Amanda and as hard as I tried, I would never be able to give her away. The only thing now, would I be able to remain Mark when this was over or would, Amanda, win the war between male and female? There was a time days earlier when such a question seemed ridiculous but the longer, Amanda, invaded my thoughts, the more my body yearned to be her. I was terrified of what the answer might be.

The following afternoon, Cindy, Gloria, Mom, and I went down to a mall in Roseville that Cindy said had everything a young girl could want. I had no idea of what those could be, but I learned fast. I’m not going to bore you with all the stores we visited, but suffice to say, Mom broke the bank.

Before we left I had to prepare for the adventure as Gloria stated. I couldn’t very well go clothes shopping looking the way I did, so Gloria provided me with a short wig styled into a bob. A little mascara for my eyes, a pair of Cindy’s shorts that no longer fit her and we were ready to go. The first store we entered was Forever Twenty One.

Cindy was giddy with excitement as she pulled one very nervous young man in her wake. Cindy found six items, the dressing room maximum, and brought me to try on the clothes. I promise not to bore you, but my first reaction to wearing girl’s clothes is important.

“Amanda, you have to have a mini skirt. Every girl our age had at least one denim shirt, so we’ll start with that. Take off all your clothes.”

“Even my boxers?”

“I forgot about those, wait I’ll be right back.”

Cindy returned with a package of cotton panties and handed them to me.

“Your mother just bought these for you, now off with the boxers and on with one of these.”

I did as told and stood looking like a young girl embarking on the journey of a lifetime. I looked in the mirror and saw Amanda looking back. She was a skinny, pretty little girl with absolutely no shape. I compared myself to Cindy and wondered how I was going to pull off this charade.

Cindy had started her puberty a year ago and the differences between a boy and girl were now obvious. She didn’t have huge breasts nor did she have one of those Beyonce butts. There was enough of a difference between her and me for me to notice. Everything about her was softer looking. Where my ribs would stick out sharply hers seemed to flow from her body. Did I mention Cindy was trying on a dress? My legs seemed, I don’t know how to put this, like something was missing. My thighs were lean and seemed to suddenly stop at my knees. My calves seemed stringy and my ankles jutted out over boney feet.

Cindy on the other hand had some shape to her thighs and they seemed to flow softly to her knees, which emphasized soft well-rounded calves. Her feet were pretty, whereas mine were just feet. It was obvious, I was a boy, and I thought a skirt would never change that.

“Put on the skirt and blouse, Amanda. See if it fits.”

Cindy showed me how to put the skirt on and added a blouse to cover my top. Cindy had started a small amount of breast development so the blouse looked flat on me.

“It doesn’t look right,” I said to her.

“Zip me up, I’ll be right back.”

I pulled the zipper up to the top on the dress and she ran from the dressing room. She came back with a bra.

“Here put this on and I’ll show you something.”

Cindy fed my arms through the straps and turned me to fasten the back.

“Don’t look,” She said, turning away from me. She lifted the dress and reached under her bra. She pulled something that looked like chicken breast fillets out and handed them to me.

“Put these in your bra.”

“Cindy, I thought….”

“Amanda, sometimes all of us girls need help, at least until we’re big enough to fill a bra properly.”

I slipped the rubbery objects into the bra cups and noticed an immediate difference. They filled the loose bit of cloth in the blouse. I looked much better.

I stood looking at the image in the mirror. A very pretty girl in bare feet looked back. Amanda reached out and touched the mirror with her fingertips; a tear ran down her cheek and dropped to the floor. The feelings I had were overwhelming me, or should I say, Amanda? It was becoming harder each day to remember I was a boy named Mark, and seeing myself like this only highlighted that fact. I shouldn’t be feeling the excitement of discovery like I was, but the creation of, Amanda, had brought me here, here to this place where a girl like, Amanda, should be. This was a place where a boy named, Mark, was losing the battle he had so innocently begun ten years earlier in his mother’s bedroom and a girl named, Amanda, was winning.

“What’s wrong?” Cindy asked, as she saw the tears begin to flow down my cheeks.

“This is so wrong Cindy. I shouldn’t be here.”

Cindy took me in her arms and hugged me tight.

“Why shouldn’t you be here? This is where you belong, Amanda.”

“But I’m not, Amanda, and you know it. I’m a boy, Cindy, a boy. Why do I want to be the girl in the mirror so badly?”

“Because maybe you’re not a boy and maybe you’re really a girl named, Amanda.”

“But I’ve been a boy all my life.”

“How do you know that? Maybe you never gave, Amanda, a chance to be herself.”

“But I like being a boy.”

“Do you dislike being a girl?”

“No, and that’s what scares me, oh Cindy, what am I going to do?”

“Be the best, Amanda, you can be. You know what being, Mark, is like so why not give, Amanda, a chance too? I love you, Mark, you’re my best friend in the world and I would never do anything to hurt you, but I see how much you hurt when you see yourself in the mirror. I think it’s because you know you have to put, Amanda, away when we get home. You love Amanda, don’t you?”

“Yes, very much, but I love, Mark, too.”

“But you’ve only been, Amanda, for a few weeks and I think you love her as much or more than, Mark.”

“How can you say that? How do you know how I feel about, Amanda?”

“Sweetie, you’re my best friend and best friends know what they are feeling, even without words. I could see the brightness and happiness in your face every time I called you, Amanda. When I called you, Mark, nothing happened, you were just, Mark. I love you, Amanda, and I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you. I love you too much.”

I held on to, Cindy, for several minutes digesting what she had said. Was I really, Amanda, and didn’t know it? When I’m, Amanda, I know my body feels different. It’s nothing I can put my finger on, but it’s just, I don’t know, a softer special feeling I can’t put away. Ever since I picked my name I’ve felt that way, like I really was, Amanda Christine Flowers. I finally figured out why I had tears in my eyes, I wanted to be, Amanda Christine Flowers, more than I wanted to be, Mark James.

Cindy, told, Mom, that I should wear the skirt and blouse from the store so I can get used to wearing girls clothes. She agreed so I left wearing the denim skirt and the sleeveless pink blouse.

“You need shoes. Come on, Payless is this way.”

Cindy grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the other side of the mall. Mom and Gloria were laughing while they watched my plight.

We had no idea of my size but a nice young man was more than eager to help. He placed my foot on the measuring thing and stated I was a size five with a normal width.

We picked out several pairs to go with the outfits I would be modeling during the photo shoot. Nothing had a heel over one inch.

“Mrs. James, Amanda really should have her own cosmetics,” Cindy said.

“Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that. I guess you’re right. She can’t keep using your mother’s and I really don’t like to share mine. Come on, Amanda, but this is the last of it. I don’t think I can afford having a daughter much longer.”

I smiled, and for the life of me I don’t know why I did it, but I gave my mother a hug.

“Because you’re my best friend. I’ve known you forever and I’ve never thought of you as being a boy. Why do you think you’re my best girlfriend? Amanda, you are just being you now. It took something like discovering the game you played with your mom to make you realize you’re a girl. I know you have a reputation for being tough, but being a boy doesn’t make you that way. Standing up to bullies does and a girl can do that too, you just don’t realize it yet. When we’re together you couldn’t be more feminine if you tried. Being feminine isn’t the way you move or talk or any of the things girls do on the outside, it’s what’s here,” Cindy said, pointing at her heart.

Chapter 6

Mrs. Meyer was able to get an appointment with Cindy’s photographer the very next day. I don’t know who was more nervous, Mom, Mrs. Meyer, or me. Cindy seemed to be taking everything in stride.

“No big thing,” she said.

Well actually it was a big thing. First off, the photographer is in Sacramento, which meant an hour drive from Colfax. Next was the preparation. Eleven or twelve was when little girls start to shave and I was no exception. What little hair I had on my legs and underarms had to go, so Mom did the honors that night when we got home.

“Honey, I’m going to show you how to do this, but from now on you’ll have to do it yourself. It’s kind of an initiation into womanhood,” she laughed.

Mom had been going through some very severe mood swings the last few days. She seemed to embrace anything Amanda one minute, and the next would cry for no reason. I knew I was the cause of it, but was powerless to do anything about it, other than put Amanda away forever, and what good would that do since we already had the contract and my ticket to Stanford.

She finished with my legs and washed off the excess shaving jell. After my underarms were done she handed me a towel and asked me to dry myself off. I had never noticed the feelings on my legs before and the smoothness of my skin.

“Mom, my legs feel so smooth.”

“They feel nice, don’t they?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to rub baby oil on them so they stay soft. If they dry out you won’t like the way they feel.”

Putting the oil on freshly shaved legs was another experience that brought Amanda more to the front and shoved poor, Mark, farther away in the battle to win my heart. My fears were taking root and I wasn’t sure of how I could handle what was happening to me.

I’ve always loved being a boy; the rough housing and messing around with my friends was something I looked forward to every day. My time spent with Cindy, was always special because I became like another person, but I was still, Mark. Cindy would call me her girlfriend, and sometimes I felt that way, but we both knew I was still, Mark. Now things had changed as Amanda, made herself known. I think if Mom had named me, even the same name as I have now I might feel different about what was happening to me. I would still be Mark, a boy with a pretty face and a name my mother gave me so I could work as a girl. She would have chosen everything; even the clothes we bought tonight would have been a masquerade for the job. There would have been no connection to Amanda, other than being her for a job. When I named Amanda, or I should say when I renamed myself, something happened to me. I had essentially told myself that I was now female. It was a decision I had made for myself. I could have chosen any name I wanted, but I wanted it to be special. I didn’t want Mary, or Tiffany, or any other host of names I could have chosen, I wanted Amanda, and I wanted her to be feminine. I could have used my real last name, James, like the outlaw, but I wanted more from her, hence Flowers. How much more feminine could a name get than Amanda Flowers. By naming myself Amanda Flowers, I was telling my body it was now feminine and it was my choice, and I loved it. I wondered how much longer I could reconcile myself to being Mark James? I was becoming a very seriously fucked up boy.

I went to bed early so I wouldn’t be tired when I went to the shoot. I had problems sleeping. I kept thinking of Amanda, and my feelings for her and the shame I was bring on my parents, especially Dad. I have always been a strong boy; just ask any of the bullies in school. They don’t mess with Mark James, because he’ll kick your ass, and as much as Mom complained, I’m sure Dad loved the way I protected myself. How could I justify that kind of behavior from Amanda? Girls don’t act that way. Girls turn to boys like Mark, for protection. Maybe I’m reading too much into this adventure. I’ve been so caught up in being Amanda, that I think I’m turning into a girl. Perhaps I should just go with the flow, but as, Mark, dressed as Amanda and stop trying to actually be Amanda. That was it; I’d be a boy dressing as a girl and tell Cindy I was her best friend, her boy friend. Sleep came quickly after I reconciled myself to being a boy,.

“I’m home,” I shouted as I walked into the house after school.

“Hurry up and get ready. We have to leave with Gloria and Cindy for your photo shoot, I’m in your room.”

I went to my room and saw Mom had laid Amanda’s clothes out on the bed.

“What do you want to wear?” she asked.

“What I have on,” I said.

“No, that wouldn’t be a good idea. Remember, you’re supposed to be a girl for these shoots and girls like you don’t wear boy’s clothes to photo shoots.”

As much as I hated to admit it, I felt a stirring of excitement as Amanda pushed the boy part of me aside. I had gone out of my way today to be the best Mark I could be. I stared down the bullies, played football with my friends and played my boy part to the extreme. No one, not even Cindy mistook me for Amanda, I was one hundred percent Mark, well make that ninety-nine percent, I loved the way my legs felt, so very feminine.

Now as I stared at the clothing, I could feel Amanda, making herself known. Why did I feel this way? I’m not a girl so why do I allow Amanda, to easily push Mark aside? I couldn’t admit the obvious; it would hurt my parents too much. I know if I try hard enough I can put Amanda away and let Mark enjoy the rest of his life.

“Well, what do you want to wear?” Mom asked.

“I don’t know, anything I guess.”

“Honey, girls never wear, just anything, they co-ordinate. Everything goes with each other. See your dress?”

“Yes.”

Those shoes go with it, not the canvas ones that go with your jeans. Don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll learn soon enough.”

“Why, I’m a boy?”

“My, don’t we have an attitude? Mark, when we started this thing, it was as if you were a different person. You should have seen the excitement in your eyes. Your father and I were very concerned that this thing would lead to you being a girl, but I can see I was wrong. Look, if you don’t want to do this then we’ll tear up the contract and I’ll give these clothes a way. To be perfectly honest, I’d prefer that you not do this girl thing.”

I didn’t know how to respond? On one hand I was pleasing my mom by acting as if I didn’t want to be Amanda, again. On the other, my stomach dropped at the thought of sending Amanda away. As hard as I was trying I couldn’t stop loving her, or me I guess. The most important thing a person can do is respect themselves and be happy with who they are, my dad said so. Be yourself whom ever that is, he said. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not important, because you are, just being yourself. I was so confused being Amanda, was so wrong and yet I wanted to be her so badly. I should have never named myself, never embraced her, never torn myself apart trying to be both a boy and girl.

I picked my jeans and a cute blouse that went with them. On went my white canvass shoes with no socks.

Cindy and I sat in the back of Mrs. Meyer’s van and Mom rode shotgun. I had a sullen look on my face that wasn’t missed by Cindy.

“What’s wrong, Amanda?”

“Nothing and I’m not Amanda, I’m Mark.”

“Whoa, what brought this on? I noticed you were acting different at school today.”

“Nothing brought it on, I’m a boy and boys are named Mark, not Amanda.”

Cindy giggled and said, “From the look of things, I do believe Mark has left the building.”

Besides the clothing I was wearing, I was wearing the short wig and my eyes were made up with mascara and a little shadow. My lips glistened with pink gloss. When I saw myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe how pretty I looked. Amanda pulled and shoved to try to make herself known, but Mark wouldn’t let her, as hard as she tried. Mark just tried harder.”

“It’s just a costume.”

“Just a costume? What happened to my girlfriend?”

“Your girlfriend “ I said, making quote marks with my fingers, “is really a boy, but I’m sure you didn’t miss that fact.”

Cindy reached across my body and grabbed my shoulders, turning me to face her.

“God Amanda, what happened to you? You’re my dearest friend and you’re acting like a little bitch and I want to know why?”

I stared at Cindy and finally everything that had happened to me came to a head. My eyes filled with tears and ran down my cheeks as I realized how shameful I was acting.

“I’m so afraid.”

The look of concern from Cindy just made me cry harder. Mom hadn’t noticed my distress, as she and Mrs. Meyer were deep in conversation.

“Sweetie, what are you so afraid of?”

“Me, Amanda, both of us.”

“Why would you be afraid?”

“I’m afraid I’ll become Amanda for real.”

“What’s so wrong with that? You’re a beautiful girl.”

“That’s the point, I’m not a girl, and I’m a boy.”

“Are you really? Are you sure you’re not really a girl with a plumbing problem?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because you’re my best friend. I’ve known you forever and I’ve never thought of you as being a boy. Why do you think you’re my best girlfriend? Amanda, you are just being you now. It took something like discovering the game you played with your mom to make you realize you’re a girl. I know you have a reputation for being tough, but being a boy doesn’t make you that way. Standing up to bullies does and a girl can do that too, you just don’t realize it yet. When we’re together you couldn’t be more feminine if you tried. Being feminine isn’t the way you move or talk or any of the things girls do on the outside, it’s what’s here,” Cindy said, pointing at her heart.

“That’s why you’re having a conflict with yourself. You think just because you’re supposed to be a boy, because you look like a boy, you can’t be a girl, well, you’re wrong. You’re a girl Amanda, through and through, you just haven’t seen it yet, but you will.”

My tears had ceased and of course my makeup was ruined and Cindy was right, I was thinking like a girl, after-all what boy would worry about his makeup?

Was Cindy right, have I been a girl all along? I tried to think of when I was with Cindy and how we talked to each other. We shared everything, every moment of my life was hers and hers mine. She had started her puberty and I was the first person she told about her period, not her girl friends, but me, Mark. We cried together and laughed together, hugged each other until we couldn’t breathe. It all seemed so natural to be the way I was. I think the thing I never saw was that I had been Amanda all along and never realized it. If I was to accept Amanda, then what will happen to Mark? How would my parents react to having a daughter all the time, not just for a few photo shoots? Will they still love me, or will they try to make me someone I’m not?

“Cindy, just wishing doesn’t change the fact that I’m a boy, nothing can change that, and besides my parents would never put up with me being a girl. Mom already said she wished I wasn’t doing this.”

“But things can be done to change you into a girl. Haven’t you ever heard of that girl named Jazz?”

“The one that told her parents she was a girl when she was a little boy, the one on TV?”

“Yes, she’s the one. You could do the same thing as her, be who you really are. You could become Amanda.”

“But I like being, Mark,” I whined.

“Do you? Can you honestly tell me you’d rather be Mark, than Amanda?”

“But I don’t know anything about Amanda.”

“You know that you love being her.”

“How do I know that the only reason I like being her is because it’s so new?”

“Because you’ve been Amanda for years. You just didn’t see it.”

“I haven’t Cindy, I’ve always been a boy.”

“Fine, be that way, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you when you’re so unhappy you can’t stand it. You’re my best friend and I’ll always be here for you, but don’t wait too long or you might really turn into a boy and if that happens, well never mind, it’s not important,” she said and got a sad look on her face. She looked as though she had just lost her best friend.

We arrived at the studio for the session and exited the van. Mom looked at me and I saw the concern in her expression.

“Have you been crying,” she asked, touching my cheek with her fingers.

“It’s okay now,” I replied, glancing at Cindy.

“If you don’t want to do this, we can go home. I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do,” Mom said, the determination evident in her voice.

“No Mom, please, I want this, please?”

“If you’re sure. I won’t have my baby pushed into something he doesn’t want to do,” Mom said, looking at Gloria.

“Mom, my tears had nothing to do with Mrs. Meyer. Can we just forget it, please?”

“Alright, but I won’t forget about it. I’ll want to talk to you later about what you’re doing. I’m not mad at you sweetheart, just concerned about what’s going on up here.” Mom said, pointing at her head. “Now let’s get your makeup repaired so you don’t scare the poor photographer,” she giggled.

Mom’s laughter made me relax while Mrs. Meyer repaired the damage I had incurred.

We entered the studio and were greeted by a handsome man with an alarming smile. He was about six feet tall about one hundred sixty pounds, a short hairstyle with a small amount of grey indicating his late forties, age. His blue eyes danced with merriment, and his smile exposed perfect white teeth. His light blue dress shirt had the top two buttons undone showing a tanned chest. The shirt was tucked into designer jeans ending a half of an inch above his sockless feet wearing leather loafers.

“Gloria, Cindy, so nice to see you again,” he gushed, which probably had as much to do with the extra fee he was charging, as seeing Gloria again.

“Bob, this is Rachel James and her daughter, Amanda. Girls, this is Bob Quinlan, my favorite Photographer in the whole world,” she flirted, in that worldly show business sort of way.

“I can see where Amanda gets her beauty from, Rachel, it’s nice to meet you,” he said, taking Mom’s hand in his.

Mom shifted uncomfortably, knowing his beauty remark was so much bullshit, but I wondered if it also had to do with his comment about her daughter? I would find out when we talked.

“Okay ladies, let’s get this show on the road,” Bob commanded.

We followed him into the photo studio while Gloria double-checked my makeup.

“Come over here Amanda, and stand right here so I can get my settings right. You’re much too pretty to be blurry in your pictures.”

I stood in front of a screen while Bob went to his camera mounted on a tripod. He fiddled with several settings and declared he was ready to start.

I won’t bore you with the details of every photo, but I’ll explain what we did.

I started with the clothes I had on, the jeans and casual blouse. My makeup was just as it was when we arrived at the studio. Bob had me posing for what seemed like a hundred photos. He shot me just standing and then different poses. Next came close-ups of my face, laughing, smiling, pouting, looking sad, all the while Bob gave me instructions. I grew to like him very much as I learned; I grew used to his corny banter.

The next grouping was with me wearing a skirt and blouse. I obviously changed my shoes to a pair of cute sandals. The heel was about a half of an inch tall. My skirt, the denim one, ended at mid thigh, showing a lot of my legs. My blouse had a scoop neck to show my pretty neck and shoulders. Mrs. Meyer changed my makeup to make me look a little older. I like the look, but couldn’t help seeing the frown on my mother’s face. We did the same as with the jeans, full body close-ups and face.

The last grouping was with me in my dress. The dress was a beautiful crochet shift dress that was the only splurge when we went shopping. Even my mother loved how it looked on me. I had to wear a short slip so nothing that wasn’t supposed to be seen, was. It had wispy sleeves that went just past my elbows and the hem stopped above mid thigh. It was very sexy and very flirty, and I loved it. My shoes were the white pumps with the taller heel, all of one inch, which completed the look.

Gloria changed my makeup again, which made me look very pretty and much older. I thought my mother was going to cry.

Bob spent more time with this look and by the time he finished I was bushed. Even as tired as I was I was also disturbed by the feelings I was having wearing this dress. It was so feminine and so soft feeling, so un Mark like, so much the way Amanda, would feel that I wanted to hug Cindy in the worst way. It was then that I knew what she had been saying to me, I really was a girl.

“Well, I’m finished,” Bob, announced. “Amanda, you were a dream to work with and I’ll be sure to note that in your portfolio. You followed my instructions perfectly and I’m sure I’ll want to include every photo I took, but you’re not strong enough to carry all those pictures.”

“Thank you so much, Bob. When do you think you’ll be able to put the portfolio together?” Gloria asked.

“I’ll have it to you next week. Normally I’d take two weeks but you’re special Gloria, it’ll be ready Tuesday.”

“Thanks Bob, that’s why I love you so much. See you Tuesday. You can change now, Amanda.”

I didn’t want to change. I loved this dress and the way it made me feel.

“Would it be okay if I wore it home?”

I saw the trickle of a smile cross Cindy’s lips, she knew.

“Alright, just be careful with it,” Mom said,

We left the studio and entered the van. Mrs. Meyer had tried to engage my mother in conversation, but she seemed to be distracted.

“What’s wrong Rachel, did I do something wrong?” Gloria asked.

“No, it isn’t anything you did, I just wasn’t ready to see how beautiful Amanda was. You have to remember that you’ve had twelve years living with Cindy and I’ve only had a few hours with a daughter, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I like it.”

“Rachel, we discussed this before any contracts were signed. You knew things might be difficult?”

“I know Gloria, and I’m certainly not blaming you, but I worry what this might do to Mark. He’s so pretty and there seems to be a change in him. It’s as though he really is Amanda Flowers, and it scares the devil out of me. I love my son, faults and all.”

“Oh I’m sure you’re over reacting. She’s just excited about the shoot. Mark will be back tomorrow and you’ll probably wish you had your daughter back,” Gloria laughed.

“I hope so.”

Cindy and I listened intently to the conversation and turned toward me after it was over.

“You did it, didn’t you?” she asked, with a hopeful gleam in her eye.

“Did what?” I asked, innocently.

“Crossed over, you’re a girl now, aren’t you?”

My head fell shamefully as I stared at my bare legs, the hem of the dress so flatteringly feminine, caressing them with every movement of the van. How could I admit that Cindy was right, I had crossed over with all my heart and soul? I felt as though I had ripped the heart out of my mother’s chest and smashed it with a club as I turned to face Cindy.

“Yes, and I don’t know what I’m going to do?”

“I’ll help you, don’t worry, I’ll always be here for you.”

Cindy hugged once more as a tear ran from my eye.

Arriving home, Mom and I went into the house. Mrs. Meyer said I could keep the wig until tomorrow.

“Wait in the living room Mark, I want your father to see you,” Mom said, walking to the family room in the rear of the house.

There had been no emotion in Mom’s voice, just a matter of fact that made me uneasy as I sat on the sofa. That feeling grew as I heard my parent’s steps come from the hallway. My mother and father entered the room. Both parents looked very unhappy with my appearance.

“Lance, I was going to say something stupid like meet your daughter, but I can’t bring myself to do that. Your son is so pretty and if he was a real girl, I’d be so proud of her for what she’s doing, but I can’t. I love our son so much and this; this girl thing is making me sick. If I had known I would have never allowed it.”

Dad put his arm around Mom’s shoulder and pulled her tight to him. There was sadness in his eyes as he looked at me.

“Mark, your mother is right, you’re a beautiful girl, and as a man and father, I know you would break many a boy’s heart, but you’re not a girl, your our son. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I know going to Stanford is important to you, but I don’t know if this is the way to do it? We aren’t angry with you, just the opposite, but you must know how we feel right now. I know we signed the contract for this, but I can say for your mother and myself that we didn’t think you would become such a beauty and we’re concerned for what this might do to you. You’re playing with fire even if you don’t know it. How do you feel about what you’re doing?”

How do I feel? God, what a question to ask. I feel like a girl, or maybe I should say I am a girl. Why do you think I wore this dress home? If I could, I would never take it off, that’s how special it makes me feel.

“I like it Dad. It’s fun, kind of like dressing up for Halloween.”

“Maybe that’s the case, but you don’t look like a boy wearing a costume, you look like a girl off the pages of a magazine.”

“I know Dad, but its just part of the job, and that’s how I’m supposed to look.”

“Honey, I mean Mark, why don’t you go change. Your appearance is really upsetting your mother,” Dad said, with a calm voice, which surprised me as I expected him to shout or react differently. My father is really special. If I could have, I would have run to him and given him the biggest hug in the world.

“Yes Dad.”

I rose and walked to my room as both sets of eyes followed me.

“He walks just like a girl, God Rachel, I hope this is just a phase he’s going through or part of the costume as he calls it. If this girl thing doesn’t go away, I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

“He only has six months before the option takes effect. Maybe he’ll tire of this nonsense and we can put this away. I want my son back.”

I closed the door when I entered my room. Looking in the mirror at the stunning girl looking back, I knew what Mom and Dad wished, wasn’t going to happen, my creation, Amanda Flowers, was now a part of me that I would never be able to destroy. It would be like suicide to make her go away. I ran my hands down my dress until my fingers reached my shaved legs and knew what I had to do. I had to become Amanda.

I removed the wig, changed into my boy clothes and removed my makeup in my bathroom. There was still a trace of mascara, but I was now my mother’s beautiful boy once again.

I walked back to the living room where Mom and Dad were having a drink. Mom smiled when she saw me, her boy was back. Then something strange happened, a wistful expression crossed her face, it was just for a second, but it was something I noticed. It was as though she had lost something and wanted it back.

“Mom, Dad, I’m sorry.”

“Mark, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. Love is unconditional and no matter how you look, you’ll always be our child. No, make your mother feel better and give her a hug.”

I ran to my mother and wrapped my arms around her as she did to me. A tear ran from my eye, I love my parents so much.

The next day Cindy and I did our homework together as we usually did. We’d study, talk, and study again. There was nothing different about our conversation as it covered the usual subjects, fashions, who liked who, who Cindy liked this week and so forth. When we finished Cindy brought up the one thing I didn’t want to talk about, Amanda.

“Wasn’t that fun last night?” she asked.

“What?”

“Oh come on Mark, you know what, your photo session.”

“I guess.”

“You guess? God girl I thought you’d bust with excitement, especially when you wore your dress.”

“I don’t want to talk about it?”

“What? Why not?”

“I just don’t.”

“Something happened when you got home, didn’t it. It’s your parents, they don’t like what you’re doing,” Cindy stated.

“Oh, Cindy, you don’t know what it was like, “I said, as I burst into tears.

“Oh God, what happened?”

“My mother would hardly talk to me and then she went and got my father. He said I didn’t have to do this after six months and they would rather I don’t. He said I was pretty and my mother said she would have been so proud of me if I were a girl. I am a girl Cindy, I am. I felt so pretty in my dress, so much like Amanda that I never wanted to take my dress off. What am I going to do? I have to be Amanda, Cindy, I have to, or I’ll die.”

Cindy held me until the tears stopped. I knew boys didn’t cry like I was, but I couldn’t help myself, my world felt so wrong.

“Everything will be okay, just wait and see. You still have almost six months until your contract has to be renewed and who knows what might happen between now and then?”

“And what happens if my parents don’t renew the contract, then what. I’ll have to be a boy.”

“You’ll never have to be a boy again, even if you don’t have a contract. Being a girl is in here,” she said pointing at her head, “and here,” pointing at her heart. “We’ve been best friends for years and all I’ve ever seen is a girl, even when you beat up Frank. A boy didn’t do that, a girl did.”

I smiled and said, “You’re the best friend I could ever have. I love you, Cindy”

“And I love you, Amanda.”

I felt better and returned home. I was tired and needed sleep.

The pictures of me in the dress finally appeared. Even I wasn’t ready for what I saw. Mom and I both gasped as the first picture was seen. It was a shot from my waist to my head; I’m looking toward the sky and am slightly backlit, creating a halo around my head. It was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen and it would have been so with any other model. Mom’s eyes had filled with tears.

Chapter 7

Tuesday, Mrs. Meyer picked up my portfolio from the photographer and called my mother the minute she got home.

“Mark, Gloria called. She has your portfolio and she wants us to come and look at it.”

‘Okay, Mom, I’ll be right there.”

I threw on some socks and my Converse shoes and ran to the kitchen to pull my mother to Cindy’s.

“Hurry Mom, I want to see it.”

“Slow down Mark, It will still be there when we get to their house.”

Mom fiddled around the kitchen doing nothing, as if she didn’t want to see the pictures. I wondered if that was the case, after the talk with my father. Seeing her daughter in pictures would just cement what I wanted so badly to tell them, that I was a girl.

Mom and I finally walked to Cindy’s. Cindy was waiting near the door when we arrived.

“Oh Mark, your pictures are beautiful,” she gushed. “Come on,” she said grabbing my hand and pulling me into her house. Mrs. Meyer was in the kitchen looking at my photos.

“Mark, Rachel, I must say, these are the prettiest pictures I’ve ever seen, and I don’t say that lightly. My own daughter is a model and, well, I’m her mother, and I wish she was as beautiful as you,” she said, when she saw us enter the kitchen.

Mom and I walked to the kitchen counter, opposite Mrs. Meyer.

“Take a look,” she said, spinning the pile of pictures to face us.

Mom and I stood side by side looking at the photos, one at a time. Each photo was of me with my name at the bottom corner, Amanda Flowers. Mom would take the top photo and turn it face down in a pile next to the one we were looking at. Her hand would touch the photo, pause and then turn the photo.

“So pretty,” she kept saying softly with each photo.

And they were pretty, or I should say, I was pretty.

During the shoot, Bob had me pose in all kinds of angles, move here, move there, turn just a little until he got the shot just right. Now I could see the results and it was hard to believe the girl in the photos was me.

Mom looked at the casual batch first which portrayed me as a young, energetic girl. I was very pretty and I liked the look. Next came the skirt and blouse. The look was of someone going to school. I didn’t like these as much because my legs were seen below the skirt. Maybe I’m being too critical of myself, but I didn’t like my legs. It’s not like they were ugly or anything, but they just didn’t have the right shape. My thighs were skinny as were my calves. I compared them to Cindy’s and could see the difference between a boy and girl’s. I guess that was something I will have to live with. Other than my legs, I was beautiful and I could see the distress on my Mom’s face.

The pictures of me in the dress finally appeared. Even I wasn’t ready for what I saw. Mom and I both gasped as the first picture was seen. It was a shot from my waist to my head; I’m looking toward the sky and am slightly backlit, creating a halo around my head. It was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen and it would have been so with any other model. Mom’s eyes had filled with tears.

“You’re so beautiful,” was all she could say.

Mom spent more than two minutes staring at the photo, and dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. As she slowly turned the rest of the pictures, I cold see why she was so emotional, I had become a young woman in those pictures. Mom had tears and I had tears seeing what a beautiful daughter she had. I only wished she would think the same way. And I could see why Mrs. Meyer had asked me to become a model. Even I could see there was something special about me.

“Well, what do you think?” Mrs. Meyer asked, excitedly, “isn’t she beautiful?”

Wow, Mrs. Meyer referred to me as she, not Mark, but as a girl.

Mom paused for a second before the crushing words, “yes, Mark is very pretty.” I could feel the coldness in her voice.

Gloom entered the room, but Mrs. Meyer wasn’t going to have any of it.

“Mark, the only way I can say this is that Amanda is spectacular. Lush Cosmetics made the right move with you and are getting off cheep. Now we should get down to business. The first thing I might suggest is Mark grow his hair out if he’s going to continue in this business. Wigs will work for a while but there’s going to come a time when he’ll need his own hair.”

“Gloria, this is just too much for me right now. Why would Mark have to grow his hair long?”

“Hair commercials. Wigs just won’t work and beside wigs are hot and uncomfortable and we wouldn’t want our future diva perspiring because of a wig,” she laughed.

Mom didn’t see the humor in her remark.

“Look Gloria, I’ll be honest with you, I’m having a real problem with all of this,” Mom said, pointing at the photos. “I so afraid all this femininity might have an effect on him that can’t be reversed. I love my son.”

“Rachel, I know you’re worried, but this is an opportunity of a life time. If Mark was going to make a few thousand dollars, I could see your point, but that’s not the case. You’ve already signed a contract for more money than I made during my career, and this is just the beginning. When other clients see Mark’s pictures, they’re going to offer millions just to have him associated with their products. Mark’s a strong confident boy and I see no reason that this will do anything negative to him, and if the thing you worry so much about were to take place, what’s so wrong with being a woman?”

“That’s the point Gloria, Mark’s a boy and I want him to remain that way.”

“Well, that’s your decision, so if you don’t want to renew your contract when it comes time, I’ll understand why, but I think you would be making a very big mistake.”

“Mark and I should go, we have a lot to talk about. Thank you for your hospitality,” Mom said, leaving the stack of photos on the counter.

“Take the pictures, Rachel, I have extra copies. Bob already sent them overnight to the agency. I’m sure I’ll be receiving a call from them tomorrow.”

“Thanks again,” Mom said, and hugged Gloria stiffly.

Mom and I walked home without a word. I know the pictures had upset her, but what was I going to do? They were part of the job and as much as I wanted to tell her of my true feelings I couldn’t. She was fragile enough with having a pretty boy and to add that I loved being a girl would be too much for her to handle, no, that would have to wait for her to hear, if ever?

Mom closed the door behind us and went into the living room, placing the photos on the coffee table. Her eyes were damp with tears.

“Come here, sweetheart,” she said, with a quiver in her voice.

She gathered me in her arms and pulled me tight. I could feel her body heave as she began to sob.

“My pretty, pretty boy,” she said, “ my pretty little boy, what have we done?”

Mom held me for what seemed like hours, but I’m sure it was just minutes. I felt so bad for my mother thinking about what she must be going through? I was her son and yet there were the photos that were proving me oh so wrong. All I could do was comfort her like good son should do.

Mom broke the embrace and looked at me one more time, smiled slightly and said, “ your father should see these.”

Mom called to my father who was watching a basketball game in the other room.

“Jeez Rachel, It’s game three and there are just two minutes left,” he grumbled.

“Lance, this will take just a minute and you know very well those two minutes will take a half of an hour, what with the commercials and all, this is important.”

Dad shuffled into the living room looking as though he was being punished for eating too much candy.

“I want you to look at Mark’s pictures for his portfolio,” Mom said.

Dad picked up the pile of pictures and went through them. Quickly at first and then he slowed as he examined each picture like forensic detective examining crime photos. When he got to the photo in the dress with me looking toward the sky he stopped, looking at it and then at me. His eyes glistened, but he didn’t say anything and kept looking back and forth. Finally he finished looking at the remaining photos before he spoke.

“I feel as though I’m looking at pictures of my daughter rather than my son, “ he said softly. “What do you think of this Mark?”

“I like them, a lot,” I replied.

I wasn’t going to lie to my father and he had to know I was very proud of what had been accomplished with those photos. They showed I had real potential as a model.

“Rachel?”

“Oh God, Lance, I’m so confused right now. I love those pictures and yet, I loathe them too. As a mother I should be so proud to have a lovely daughter like Amanda, so pretty and so feminine, but I love my son and I don’t want to lose him, God what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know honey, I really don’t know. Mark would you be willing to give up this modeling thing?”

It felt as though Dad had just stabbed me in the heart. God no I wouldn’t, please don’t make me do that.

“Dad, please don’t ask me to give it up. I love modeling, even if it’s as a girl, and I just started, please?” I pleaded, as tears filled my eyes.

“Mark calm down, son, I’m not going to make you give up something you enjoy so much, it’s just that I worry about your mother and how it’s effecting her, and to be perfectly honest, what it’s doing to you.”

“What’s it doing to me?”

“Nothing so far, but I worry you might like this girl thing too much, and will want to really become one.”

Dad, if you only knew.

“That won’t happen, I promise,” I said, “and if it did, would it be so bad having a daughter?”

“Please Mark, let’s not go there. When this is finished I want my son back, not a world famous woman model, understood.”

“Yes Dad.”

Dad went back to his game and saw the last eleven seconds of it, which took fifteen minutes. Mom gathered the photos and said she had a headache and went to her room. I had a lot to think about, knowing I would never be able to keep the promise I made to my father.

The day after my parents talked to me, Dad made a point of spending more time than usual with me, doing guy things, hoping our time together would make a difference in how I thought of myself. We did more than just play ball. He felt it was time to replace the rear deck on our house, so we tore the old one out. The lumber company delivered a stack of lumber, some wood preservative and nails, we were set.

Dad taught me how to square the frame with out a square, “It’s simple math, Mark, watch what I do.”

Dad laid out two pieces of lumber and stretched his measuring tape along the length, making a mark at three feet. He then turned and marked the other piece at four feet.

“Now hold the end of the tape on this mark and we’ll measure the distance from mark to mark. It should measure five feet, so we’ll have to move the lumber until it does. When it does, we’ll know it’s square.”

One piece was against the house so we moved the other until it lined up perfectly.

“Now we’ll nail a piece of scrap from one piece to the other so it won’t move.”

That being done we put together the frame or joists as Dad called them. They were heavy, two by twelve’s, fourteen feet long, but dad said I was a strong boy and I could handle it. I did and we worked for five hours until the frame was complete.

“We’ll put the deck on tomorrow. You did a good job son. I’m proud of you.”

The next day we painted the wood with water seal so all sides would be protected. It was messy work, but I enjoyed the interaction with my father. Dad told me stories of how he learned building from his father and his father had learned from his father before him. Our time together was becoming very special as my father taught me what real men taught their boys. He never showed anger even though I would make the same mistake over and over, but patiently showed me the right way to do things.

As the first week and then the second passed I began to question my desire to become a girl. I loved my father and I loved being a boy. Cindy and I talked everyday because that’s what best friends did. She never questioned what I was doing with my father because she knew I had to find my own way with regard to my sexuality. She didn’t say anything about our relationship and I wondered if I was still her best girlfriend?

“Cindy, am I changing?” I asked, after Dad and I finished the deck project.

“In what way?”

“You know, I wanted so badly to be a girl, but now I’m not sure. I love my parents and I love being a boy and I don’t want to hurt them.”

“Mark, you’re not a boy, trust me on that, and just because you did all that work with your father doesn’t make you one. Girls can do the same things as a boy, it’s just not expected of us.”

“Cindy, I just don’t know what I’m going to do?”

“Mark, everything will work itself out. If you’re supposed to be a boy then you’ll be one, but if you’re going to end up being a girl, don’t fight it. It will harm you more than doing nothing at all.”

“I’m just confused Cindy, I have to think about this some more, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling as the thought ran through my head. Was I really a girl like Cindy said? I still couldn’t bring myself to admit what she was saying was true. I knew how I felt after wearing that beautiful, oh so feminine dress and not wanting to take it off, but I did. The last two weeks spent with Dad working as we did made me rethink everything I thought I wanted after the photo shoot.

He taught me what a sixteen-penny nail was and how to toenail a board. I was allowed to cut the wood with a Skill saw and he taught me how to do it safely. , But was Cindy right? Was I a girl doing these masculine tasks and not even realized it? I didn’t feel any differently, it was quality time spent with my father. Nothing changed when I spoke with Cindy, I was just as well, girly as I always was, but then that was to be expected when we talked. It was no wonder Cindy thought of me as a girl, but did I think of myself as one? I didn’t know, because I didn’t know what a girl felt like. I knew how a boy felt, but was I just thinking my thoughts were masculine because I was a boy, or were my thoughts feminine and I was just in the wrong body? I’m a twelve year old boy that has no idea of who he is, or she is?”

Two weeks later Gloria called and asked if she could come over to talk to my mom. It was time for me to have my first modeling session with Lush Cosmetics. Things between my mother and Gloria had been strained since the night with the photos but Gloria had called everyday and seemed to have gotten back on my mother’s good side.

Mom and Gloria were sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee.

“Rachel, Mark has his first photo session with Lush next week. Luckily they use a studio in San Francisco so we don’t have to fly to New York and have them shoot Amanda there. The appointment is for Monday at nine AM. It will take all day and they will have their own people doing Amanda’s makeup. We’ll have to leave early, probably around four thirty in the morning so we miss the Sacramento traffic, but unfortunately will be stuck when we reach the Bay Area. Now, here’s the hard part, Mark will have to be Amanda from the time we leave until we return. We’re the only ones that know Amanda’s really a boy. He can wear the denim skirt and blouse outfit. The skirt will make him seem more like a girl when they see him.”

“Okay, I guess I can see your point and it’s only for a day, as much as I don’t like it,” Mom added.

“Rachel, I know this is hard on you, I can’t even imagine how I would feel if Cindy was a male model. I’d just die, but Mark has so much potential, and even you have to admit he’s a beautiful girl.”

“I just wish he wasn’t.”

The day of the shoot came and Mom woke me up at three-thirty.

“Get up sleepy head, it’s time to get ready. Go take a shower and here’s a new razor for you to shave your legs. You remember how I did it, don’t you?”

“Yes Mom,” I said, sleepily.

I adjusted the water in the shower and entered. After washing and shampooing my hair I went to the task of shaving. I lathered my leg and put my foot on the wall and drew the shaver up my leg. The femininity I had tried so hard to bury returned with a vengeance. This wasn’t a pretty dress making me feel special, but an action I was doing as a girl to make my legs look more feminine. As hard as it was to admit, Cindy was right, I was a girl and even if it was just for one day, I was going to be the very best girl I could be.

I finished my shower and dried myself. Mom had laid my clothes on the bed. I recognized the denim skirt and blouse from the photo shoot. Next to them was a pair of panties, a bra, and fillets I wore at the shoot. I was able to dress myself, which surprised me as I thought I would have trouble with the bra. Mom did my makeup and it was time for Gloria and Cindy to pick us up.

Cindy and I sat in back again and she held my hand, not like a boy and girl but two young girls holding hands to provide confidence. I felt so right at the moment.

The drive took all of four hours, so we just had time for a quick bite to eat before we went to the studio.

I’m not going to waste time telling every move I made from the moment we walked in the door so I’ll skip the part where the receptionist greets us.

I was led to a makeup studio next to the photo studio. There were two women waiting for me.

“You must be Amanda?” the first asked. ”I’m Shirley, and this is Karen my assistant.”

Shirley was a tall woman, a little over weight with a nice smile. She looked to be older than my mother, but my mom looks young for her age.

Karen was younger, maybe twenty-five, shorter and very pretty. Her makeup was perfect and it looked as though she had spent time with it.

“Hi,” I answered, shyly.

“You’re very pretty, young lady. You’re going to make my work easy,” she laughed. “Come and sit here. We have some work to do before we can make you pretty.”

I sat in the chair and wondered what she was talking about? I expected to just have makeup put on shoot some pictures and go home, I was wrong.

“When I saw your pictures, I couldn’t help seeing how beautiful you are, but there was something that bothered me. Your eyebrows have never been shaped. Luckily fuller brows are the fashion today so it won’t take long to make you pretty again,” Shirley laughed. Mom visibly paled.

Shirley took tweezers in hand and removed a few hairs above my nose and then a bit more above my eyes and finally a bit more at the end of my brows.

“There, better,” she stated.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and she was right, they were better. They looked much like they had originally, except now they were feminine looking. I liked they way they looked, I’m not so sure about Mom.

“I’m going to have to remove your wig sweetie while I do your face. Karen will style it while I work on you.”

Shirley removed the wig and handed it to Karen.

“My, what did you do to your hair?”

“Amanda decided she wanted a boys cut and Cindy gave it to her. She had such beautiful hair before the cut,” Mom explained. It was obviously a story she had thought of knowing the question would be asked.

“Well don’t you do that again, young lady,” Shirley admonished, “You’re much too pretty to do that to yourself.”

Shirley went to work on my face. When Gloria had done my face she used some eye makeup and lip-gloss but Shirley did so much more. When she finished I looked like I was a fourteen year old girl, and I was spectacular.

“You’ll notice that you look a little older. That’s because we’re aiming for an older crowd since twelve-year old girls usually don’t buy makeup. As I change your makeup, you’ll look even older, until you’ll look like you’re twenty years old, but don’t worry, it will be tasteful.”

I was led into the photo studio to meet the photographer.

“Hello, Amanda, I’m Miranda Sterling and I’ll be taking your pictures today. Your last photographer did a wonderful job with your portfolio and I hope I can capture you as well as he did.”

“Hi,” I said, and gave a little wave.

“This will be fun Amanda, so let’s get started.”

Miranda placed me behind a table and had me sit.

“All I’m going to shoot is your face, so I’d like you to have a good time.
Miranda started shooting, asking me to pout, smile, frown, and all kinds of other expressions, and it was fun. She was really nice and made me laugh more than once. About an hour later she finished and asked me to return to see Shirley again. This routine continued for the rest of the day and we finally finished around five o’clock, a nearby restaurant had catered lunch.

“We’re all done here, Amanda, go see Shirley so she can remove your makeup. It wouldn’t do to have it ruin your beautiful complexion. You were wonderful to work with.”

Shirley removed my makeup, kissed my cheek and we said our goodbyes. Now all we had left was the long drive home.

School was out for the summer, which left me spending more time with Cindy.

“How did your photo session go?” she asked.

“It was fun.”

“How did Amanda feel about it?”

“How should she feel about it?”

“I don’t know, I just wondered if there were any issues with it?”

“Not really. I was just a face to put makeup on. I don’t think it had anything to do with being Amanda, or Mark for that matter.”

“You seemed torn between Amanda and Mark last week. You know there’s nothing wrong with being a girl and wanting to be a carpenter too?”

“I don’t want to be a carpenter, I was just helping my dad.”

“You love your father, don’t you?”

“Yes, I want to be just like him when I grow up.”

“You silly girl, you can be like your mother, not your father,” she giggled.

“But I can. You’re confusing me Cin. I don’t know what I want to do. I wish I could live as a girl to see if I really want to be one.”

“You already are a girl.”

“You know what I mean, dress as one live as one everyday for a year and then I’d know that I’m not just in love with the dress or some other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on Amanda, what happened?”

“It was when I shaved my legs before we went to San Francisco. When I did that I felt more like a girl than when I wore that dress. It felt so right.”

“See, I told you. Amanda you’re a girl. You can fight it all you want, but you’ll never change that fact. I don’t know why you don’t tell your parents?”

“God, you know my mom, she’d kill me.”

“Maybe not.”

“She would, trust me.”

“Do you want to try on some of my old clothes? They don’t fit me anymore and I’m sure they would fit you.”

“No, I’d better not. I’m having enough problems trying to deal with my feelings, but maybe later,” I said, leaving the door open to the suggestion.

Cindy had been growing as of late. She had gained four inches in the last three months and she had become softer looking. Puberty was definitely visiting Cindy Meyer.

Gloria called Mom two weeks later to inform her that I would be in the next month’s ads in all the women’s magazines as their featured model. She said Lush was beside themselves with excitement for the ads. She said I was going to be big in the industry.

Three days later an incident happened that would influence the rest of my life.

Lashes

Chapter 8

It was Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary so they went out to dinner and dancing. It was a date like the old days. They rolled in around one AM, laughing and carrying on like a bunch of kids, Yuk. Anyway they went to bed and I heard some moans and shrieks, mainly from Mom and the thought of what they were doing make me want to puke, I could never imagine my Mom and Dad making love and figured they only did it once before and I was the result.

Dad had to work the next day and got up at his usual five AM. He kissed mom goodbye and left for work. Once Mom was awake she could never get back to sleep so she got up and made some coffee for herself. I was in that zone between sleep and waking where everything seemed to be clad with fuzzy cotton. I vaguely heard the phone ring and a moment later I heard a cup hit the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

“NO,” Mom wailed.

My eyes snapped open as I ran from my bed.

“Mom, what’s happened?”

“It’s your father. He’s been in an accident. They’re taking him the to the hospital in Roseville, get your clothes on.”

I ran to my room and was dressed in less that a minute. Mom was waiting for me in the car.

It took an hour with traffic to reach the hospital. Mom parked the car and ran into the hospital with me following close behind.

“Where’s Lance James?” she almost shouted as she approached the nurse- receptionist.

“He’s in surgery, and you are?”

“I’m his wife, what happened?”

“He was in a car accident near Auburn. The police think he fell asleep and lost control of his car. He’s had severe head trauma and his left leg is broken. He’ll be in surgery for another hour.”

“Will he be okay?” Mom asked as tears filled her eyes.

“We don’t know, Mrs. James. If we can relieve the pressure on his brain and if he doesn’t get an infection he might live, but it’s too early to tell.”

“Oh God,” Mom whimpered.

“Please sit down, we’ll let you know as soon as we know anything.”

Mom and I went into the waiting area and found two empty chairs. The room held twenty chairs and more than half were filled.

“Mom, is Dad going to be okay?” I asked.

Moms could cure everything, and if she said he would be okay, then he would be okay. Moms work miracles.

“I don’t know honey, I really don’t,” she answered, defeat showing in her voice.

We sat without speaking for almost two hours. The nurse called us to let us know how Dad was doing.

“Mrs. James,” she called.

Mom looked up with a startled look on her face.

“Yes?” she asked, as she stood and walked to the nurse’s station. I followed.

“Your husband is out of surgery and is stabilized, however he has had serious damage to his brain, how serious we won’t know until he’s awake. We’re going to move him into ER and you’ll be able to sit with him, but I’m afraid we don’t allow children in the room. She can wait in the emergency waiting room.”

“But he’s only twelve,” Mom said.

“I’m sorry, but those are the rules, and I’m sorry, I thought he was a girl. I’ll keep an eye on him, he’ll be fine.”

That was it; I would have to stay in the waiting room.

I picked up a magazine to read and found a seat. It was going to be a very long day and night.

Mom decided it wouldn’t do any good for me to stay at the hospital and called Gloria to see if she would pick me up and have me stay with Cindy and her. Dad was in a coma and we didn’t know how long it would be before he woke. Mom wanted to stay by his side and there was no way she wanted me to remain alone in the waiting room. There were some really scary people in there and I’m glad she sent me home.

Gloria picked me up around seven on the evening. Cindy charged into the waiting room and threw her arms around me.

“Oh Mark. I’m so sorry,” She cried.

“Thanks,” I replied, “Oh Cindy, what are we going to do?” I cried.

Gloria went to the nurse’s station to have them inform my mom she was here. Mom walked from the door to the ER looking like death warmed over. Her distress was obvious from the look on her face.

“Gloria, thank you for coming.”

“Rachel, you and Mark are like family, I should be here. How’s Lance doing?”

“He’s still in a coma so they don’t know how extensive the damage is. The doctor doesn’t know how long he’ll be in one and I don’t want to leave his side in case he wakes. I might be here for a week or more, they just don’t know,” Mom said, desperately.

“We’ll don’t you worry. We have an extra bedroom and Mark can stay for as long as you want. You just take care of your husband, Mark will be just fine with us.”

“Thank you Gloria. I’d better say goodbye to Mark so you can be on your way. I’ll call you later and give you an update, Mark,” Mom called.

I went to her and she gathered me in her arms.

“Honey, I want you to go with Mrs. Meyer and Cindy. You’ll be staying with her while I’m here with your father. Be a good boy and do what she asks you to do. I’ll call you everyday. I love you my pretty, pretty boy,” she said, brushing my hair off my forehead with her hand and then pulled me into a hug. I could feel her tears on my shoulder.

“I love you Mom.”

Cindy tried to engage me in conversation during the ride home, but I just didn’t feel like talking. All I could do was worry about the father I loved so dearly and prayed he would be coming home soon.

The next few days at Cindy’s were uneventful. Gloria got me settled in the spare bedroom and now Cindy and I were together constantly, and other than that my life was as it always was, I played with Cindy, was her best friend and that was it. No mention was made of Amanda, other than a few times by Cindy and never by her mom. During my third day with Cindy, things changed.

The phone had ringed and Gloria was in deep conversation for several minutes.

“Mark, it’s your mother, she wants to talk to you.”

Mom called me everyday, but usually in the evening, so I wondered why she would be calling in the morning? I took the phone from Gloria.

“Hi Mom, how’s Dad?” I asked.

“Not so good, Honey. I already explained everything to Gloria and she knows what has to be done but I want you to hear it from me too. Your father had been stabilized, but this hospital doesn’t have the facilities to take care of him like they should, so he’s being transferred to SF General because they have one of the best trauma centers in the world. We’ll be leaving by ambulance in a few minutes and I’ll be going with him. I’ll call you later and let you know more when I find out what they plan to do with him,” Mom said, choking back tears.

“Mom, Dad’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” I said trying to comfort her.

“I know Honey, I’m just so worried.”

We spoke a little longer before I handed the phone back to Gloria.

Gloria hung up the phone and said, “ Well, it looks as though you’ll be staying with us for another week,” she said.

“Is that okay?”

“Of course it is. You’re like part of the family and I know you’re Cindy’s best friend. What do you think I’d do, put you out into the cold?” she laughed.

“No, I just thought I was being a problem staying here.”

“Heavens no, you’re no bother at all, but I think we should go by your house and get some clothes for you to wear. I don’t think wearing the same things over and over again is good for you.”

We went to my house and I packed a week worth of clothes, Mark clothes. Gloria said she didn’t want me dressing as Amanda without my mother’s blessing, no matter what Cindy wanted.

“Cindy, Mark’s a boy and I know you consider him to be your best girlfriend, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s our neighbor and I won’t be party to trying to change something that shouldn’t happen even if you wish it would. As far as I’m concerned Amanda is just a very pretty model who I represent for sessions and nothing more. What you and Mark do together is your business as long as you don’t get into trouble.”

“Yes Mom.”

So I pretty much moved in with Cindy and Gloria. Mom sent money to help Gloria with the added cost of me staying with her. Mom and I talked every night before I went to sleep.

A week and a half later Dad finally woke from his comma. Mom was sitting with him as she had done every day since his accident.

He looked up from his bed and saw her sitting with a book in hand.

“Rachel?”

Mom snapped her head up from the book and looked into her husband’s eyes.

“Oh my God, oh my God, Lance Honey, you’re awake, nurse,” she yelled.

The nurse came running to see what the commotion was all about. Seeing that my father was awake, she got on the phone to inform his doctor.

“How do you feel Mr. James?” the nurse asked.

“Sore, and why can’t I move my legs?”

“Um, uhh, I’ll let your doctor explain what’s happened to you.”

“Rachel, where am I, and where’s my daughter?”

Mom paused for a second before she asked, “Who?”

“Amanda, our daughter, where is she?”

Mom couldn’t believe her ears, what about Mark our son, she wondered?

“Uhh, she’s staying with Gloria and Cindy Meyers. You’re in a hospital in San Francisco. Do you remember what happened to you?”

My father got a serious expression on his face, trying to remember what had happened? The doctor entering the room saved him from the disappointment of memory loss.

“Mr. James, you’re awake. I’m Dr. Workman your attending physician. Do you know where you are?”

“My wife told me, in San Francisco, why can’t I move my legs?”

“You were in an accident and had serious head trauma. You’ve been in a coma for almost two weeks and it’s nice to see you coming around.”

“What about my legs?”

“We’re not sure why you can’t move them, but your head injury probably has something to do with it. One of your legs was broken in the accident. It’s going to take time for us to evaluate your injury, but you being awake, is a very big first step. I want you to rest for now and then we can take you for some tests later in the day. After we do, we’ll now the best course of action for you. Get to know your wife again, it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to her.”

Dr. Workman left my parents alone to talk.

“Rachel, what happened to me?” Dad asked.

“You fell asleep while you were driving to work. You’re lucky to be alive. God, I’ve been so worried about you. I have to ask you Lance, do you remember Mark?”

“Mark who?”

Mom sat in silence for a moment before answering.

“Never mind, just someone we knew.”

“When is Amanda coming to see me?”

“Maybe this weekend. We don’t want to rush things.”

“But she’s my daughter,” Dad implored.

“Let’s wait until you’ve finished with your tests. I’ll ask your doctor when it will be okay for her to visit,” Mom choked.

“What’s wrong Rachel? Did something happen to her?”

What was Mom going to say? Dad was awake and he was asking for his daughter, except he didn’t have a daughter. Oh sure his son had masqueraded as Amanda James, but why did he think he now had a daughter and not a son named Mark? It would take days before the extent of the damage to Lance’s head would be determined. Mom called to inform me that Dad was awake.

The phone rang and Gloria answered it.

“Hello.”

“Gloria, it’s Rachel, Lance has come out of the coma,” she said excitedly.

“Oh my God, oh Rachel, I’m so happy for you. How is he?”

“I don’t know yet. He’s had a lot of memory loss. He doesn’t remember Mark.”

“Oh no.”

“He thinks he has a daughter named Amanda. I don’t know what to do Gloria?”

“Did the doctor say if he’d remember?”

“Not yet. They’re going to take him for tests later this afternoon.”

“Let me get Mark so you can tell him the news. Mark, it’s your mother.”

My stomach lurched. Mom always called in the evening and I hoped she had good news. Gloria handed me the phone.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hi Sweetheart, your dad’s awake, Honey, your father’s awake,” Mom said. I could tell she was crying happy tears.

“Mom, really? When is he coming home?”

“Not for a while dear. He can’t move his legs,” she paused, “and he’s had some memory loss.”

“What do you mean memory loss?”

“Mark Honey, he doesn’t remember you?”

“He doesn’t remember me, I’m his son, Mom, how can he not remember me? We do everything together.” I said, and felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“Mark, that’s not all, he remembers Amanda and wants to see you, the Amanda you.”

“But how’s that possible? I’m Mark, not Amanda. Amanda’s just a……, I don’t know what she is?”

“Honey, I’ll know more tomorrow and he wants to see you. If I have to I’ll bring you here as Amanda then that’s what I’ll have to do. I don’t want anything to upset him until he’s finished with all of his tests.”

“Okay Mom.”

“Let me talk to Gloria, I love you Sweetheart.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

I handed the phone back to Gloria and walked back to Cindy’s room. I didn’t know how I should feel? My father didn’t know who I was? I hadn’t been Amanda for weeks and all my thoughts of being a girl had buried themselves deep in my mind. I knew that beautiful dress had messed me up because the longer I didn’t wear it the more like a boy I felt. I wasn’t unhappy, I liked being a boy and yet there was that niggling feeling I got when I was Cindy’s best girlfriend. If I was so happy being a boy, why did I like being her best girlfriend? God, Amanda Flowers was doing things to me that I just couldn’t control.

Cindy and I were playing a video game when her mother had called me to the phone.

“How’s your dad?” she asked, when I entered the room. “Oh God, you’ve been crying.”

“My dad’s awake.”

“Really?” she shrieked and gave me a hug.

“He doesn’t remember me,” I said, as the tears came again.

“Oh Mark,” she said as she held me tight.

Cindy held me for several minutes before I could talk again.

“My dad forgot who I am, but he remembered Amanda. He thinks he has a daughter.”

“Well, he does.”

“Cindy, I’m being serious, he only remembers Amanda and wants to see her in a few days.”

“Then be Amanda for your father and be her for yourself. I don’t know why you have to be Mark for God’s sake?”

“Because I like being, Mark.”

“And you don’t like being Amanda?”

“You know I do. You’re not being fair Cindy. I have a lot of things to worry about, and being Amanda isn’t one of them.”

“Oh come on Mark, you can’t seriously say that to me. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re my best girlfriend and you know that for a fact, and you’re not my girlfriend because you’re Mark. Face it, you’re Amanda even if you don’t want to admit it, but you will. I just hope it’s not to late when you do.”

I thought about what Cindy had said. Yes I did like being Amanda, but she just doesn’t understand that I like being Mark too.

Two days later found me at the hospital wearing a denim mini-skirt, a pink tank and white tennis shoes. I was the perfect twelve-year-old girl with my styled hair mascara and lip-gloss. As much as I didn’t want it, I was excited for Daddy to see his little girl.

The day had started early. Mom had driven home the night before and it was the first time I spent with her for over two weeks. Her hugs made the world feel right again.

The next morning I was up early. Mom wanted to be sure I was just perfect for my visit to the hospital. I pretty much did everything I did before the photo shoot, including shaving my legs. When Mom finished working on my hair and makeup I felt the familiar stirring in my stomach. I had missed Amanda terribly. Cindy had loaned me her old clothes that didn’t fit anymore with the promise that I would return home as Amanda so we could spend time together as two girls. I said I’d try.

I shyly entered my father’s room. His eyes were closed as he napped peacefully in his bed. Mom touched his shoulder to rouse him from his sleep.

“Lance Honey, I’m back,” Mom said, as Dad opened his eyes.

“I missed you,” Dad responded.

“Honey, I brought Amanda with me.”

When we arrived and Dad opened his eyes, he looked vacant, kind of like he was confused. It was as though he was searching for something and couldn’t find it. When Mom said I was here, his face changed, a brightness entered his eyes and a smile crossed his lips. Dad was truly happy that I was here.

“Hi Dad,” I said, Dad’s eyes filling with tears.

“Hi Honey, can I have a hug?” he asked.

I went to him and pulled tight to him with my head on his chest.

“Daddy,” I whispered.

We stayed that way for several minutes as both of us waited for the tears to stop. I love my father so much and seeing him like this was heart breaking.

“So, what’s my little girl been doing while I’ve been lying around?” he chuckled.

“I’ve been staying with Cindy,” I replied.

“Do I know her?”

“Yes Dad, she’s our neighbor and my best friend. You’ve met her.”

“I’m sure I have, I’m having problems remembering some things,” he said, wistfully.

I guess dad was, since he forgot who I really was, his son Mark, and why had he remembered Amanda? Dad’s doctor entered the room and smiled when he saw me.

“Well, you must be Amanda?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Your father hasn’t stopped talking about you ever since your mother said she would bring you here today. I must say you’re just as beautiful as he said. I’m Dr. Workman and hopefully I’ll be sending your father home soon.”

“Thank you, I hope so.”

“How are you feeling Lance?”

“A hundred percent better now that my daughter’s here,” Dad said, smiling at me.

“I can see why, she’s a lovely young woman, now let me take a look at you. You ladies might want to get something to eat while I look at Lance. I’ll be finished in twenty minutes.”

“We’ll be back Honey, after the doctor has finished.”

Dad nodded his head.

Mom and I went to the cafeteria and actually paid to eat some of that fine hospital food. We finished and returned to Dad’s room just as Dr. Workman was leaving.

“Dr. how is my husband?” Mom asked.

“He seems to be improving, but there has been severe damage to his brain, but to what extent we’ll have to wait and see.

“He’s going to be here for a while, maybe another month and then he can start serious rehab. I’ll be honest with you Mrs. James, you’re in for a very long healing process and we have no idea if Lance will walk again, or more of his memory will return, only time will tell. I can tell you this though; he’s in the best possible place he can be right now. I’m going to okay Lance on very minor rehab tomorrow. The sooner he starts, the better the outcome will be.”

“How much is this going to cost?” Mom asked, a worried tone in her voice.

“That depends on how he responds to treatment. It’s not uncommon for treatment to cost over two hundred thousand dollars, and if he needs constant care for the rest of his life it could run into the millions, but from what I’ve seen so far, he’ll be able to care for himself so I wouldn’t worry too much about the last figure I mentioned.”

Mom had visibly paled when the money was mentioned.

“We have health insurance, but I know it won’t cover costs that large,” she said.

“Many people sell their homes, or take a mortgage to pay for the care. I’m sure you can think of something. I know it sounds callous but what’s more important, your husband or your house?” Dr. Workman said as he walked away.

Mom sagged onto a chair in Dad’s room. Tears filled her eyes as the hopelessness of the situation filled the room. I moved to her hoping Dad wouldn’t see her despair.

“Mom, we’ll get through this, don’t worry, let’s just get Dad, better.”

Mom lifted her tear filled eyes to me and managed a small smile.

“I love you Mark, my pretty, pretty boy.”

We spent the rest of the day with Dad. His spirits seemed to lift the longer we where with him. I was surprised that he remembered my fledgling modeling career but couldn’t remember his son. The fact that he couldn’t remember Mark bothered me and yet I felt some sort of satisfaction being Daddies little girl. If being a girl could help him get better, then that’s who I’ll be, his daughter Amanda, but for how long?

The hospital was nice enough to have placed a portable bed in Dad’s room for Mom to stay, but they wouldn’t allow me to remain overnight, so Mom drove us home after visiting hours ended. She would be returning in the morning.

“Honey, Amanda and I have to go. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Dad’s medication was making him tired and I could tell he was fighting sleep. I went to him to say goodbye.

“Goodbye, Daddy, I love you,” I said, as I snuggled into his chest.

“I love you too, my little princess,” he said, before he lost the battle to sleep.

His little princess, I was his princess, God this Amanda thing was so going to mess with my mind.

“Mark, thank you for doing this for me and your father today,” Mom said, as she drove off the end of the Bay Bridge and followed the highway toward 80 East.

“Mom I’d do this everyday if it would help Dad get better.”

“I know you would, you’re such a sweet boy. Are you sure you don’t mind being Amanda for your father?”

“Mom, didn’t you hear him? He called me his little princess. Mom, I liked it when he did, it made me feel special, kind of like his little girl.”

Mom was silent for a while before talking again.

“Mark, I worry when you dress like this. I worry you’ll like being a girl more than being a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love you just as much whether you were Mark or Amanda, but you have to look at things from my point of view. You’ve always been my pretty little boy. I know we played our game, but it was just a game, a mother and her son doing something silly. I never thought anything would come of it. I love having a son and I worry that I might lose you.”

“Mom, I’m still your son, but as hard as it is to tell you this, I really have to. I love being Amanda when I’m Amanda. I feel like I’m a different person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be Mark. Mom, I’m just so confused right now.”

“Oh Honey, what am I going to do with you? You’re such a pretty girl.”

“Mom, Cindy says I’m a girl.”

“She said what?”

“Cindy says I’m a girl, I just don’t know it yet.”

“How could she know that? I wonder about that girl sometimes. What does Gloria say?”

“She doesn’t say anything, in fact she told Cindy she wouldn’t allow me to dress as Amanda without your permission. I know she makes money from Amanda, but I don’t think she’s comfortable with me being her.”

“She hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Maybe I’m wrong. You know how Mrs. Meyer is sometimes, she can be a little intimidating.”

“Yes she can. Would you like to dress as Amanda?”

“I don’t know, Mom, but I guess I would sometimes. I hadn’t thought of being Amanda while Dad’s been in the hospital, but when I dressed this morning, I did miss being a girl.”

Mom was silent again. We were almost to the Carquinez Bridge before Mom spoke again.

“Mark, if you’d like, I’ll allow you to be a girl now and then. You have to see who you want to be and if you’re really a girl like Cindy says, then it would be best if we knew before you entered puberty. I’ll tell Gloria that I don’t mind if you experiment with being the girl you are right now. I can see why Cindy thinks you’re a girl. If I didn’t know better, I would think you were one too, and it’s not because of the clothes you’re wearing. The girl you, comes from inside and I don’t know what to do to change it.”

“But what about all the things I did with Dad?”

“You mean like playing ball and fishing?”

“Yes, those are guy things.”

“And girl things too. Mark activities aren’t exclusive to one sex or the other, they’re just activities. What I’m talking about is how you think and how you relate to other people. With you, those things are feminine, whereas with your father they’re masculine. You relate differently. I think that’s why you feel the way you do about being a girl. You know, there’s nothing wrong thinking like a girl and still be a boy.”

“But I like being a girl.”

“I see, and if you had to chose, would you chose to become a girl, or continue being a boy? Once you made the decision you couldn’t change your mind, you would either be a boy or girl. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“I think I do.”

“Listen Honey, I don’t mind if you experiment with this boy, girl thing, but when you finally decide who you want to be, there will be no turning back and I’d love you just the same if you decide to become a girl. I also want you to know I’d rather you remained a boy. I just wonder how your father is going to react when he finds out his princess is really a boy named Mark?”

“Does he have to know?”

“Not right now he doesn’t, but it’s not a secret that is going to remain hidden when you start your puberty.”

“When is that going to happen?”

“It could be any day. Only your body knows for sure.”

“Do I have to go through puberty?”

“Yes Honey, I’m afraid you do.”

“If I want to be a girl, can I go through the same puberty as Cindy?”

“I imagine you could, but that would be a very big step to take. Don’t worry you’re not going to change into a man over night. It takes time and we’ll see where Amanda ends up in your life.”

“Yes Mom.”

Chapter 9

Cindy’s dad had been on a sales trip for a large corporation where he works. As sales manager he travels a lot and ever since his promotion, he’s rarely home. He returned home while I was with my mother in San Francisco and I wondered what his reaction was going to be when he saw me again?

Mom dropped me off at Cindy’s around nine in the morning. Luckily her father had already gone to work in Roseville and would be back home in the evening. He already told Gloria his stay would be brief and would be flying out to New York City in the morning.

I’m certainly no expert on marriages and the only barometer I have is my parents union, but I seemed to sense tension with the Meyers. I watch my mother sitting with my father day after day and could feel Gloria wouldn’t do the same for her husband. I don’t know if constant traveling on Mr. Meyer’s part causes the problem, or if there are things I don’t know about the marriage? Cindy has never said a word about her parents other than entering her in soccer before she became a model.

“Does your dad know I’m staying here?” I asked, when I returned to the Meyer’s home.

“Yes, he doesn’t have a problem with it. He feels really bad about your father.”

“Your dad and mine are good friends.”

“Until Dad got his new job. He’s never home anymore,” she said with a trace of bitterness in her voice.

“What does your mother think of his job?”

“She hates it. I swear they hardly talk anymore. I’m worried they might split up.”

“They won’t, I’m sure,” I said, trying to make Cindy feel better.

“Mom said she’s glad she has you for a client just in case something happens and Dad moves out.”

“God Cindy, I hope that doesn’t happen.”

“Me too.”

“Does your father know about Amanda?”

“Mom said something about her to him, but I don’t know what? Dad’s pretty open minded so I don’t think he’d have a problem with it.”

“I hope not.”

“Hey, you promised to bring my clothes back to me with them on your body?”

“Sorry, Mom was in a rush this morning when she dropped me off, and well, I thought it would be best to be Mark.”

“You could change now.”

“Cindy, I really don’t want to right now. I’m not in an Amanda mood. I miss my mother and she’s only been gone for an hour. I’m so worried about my father, I just wish there was something I could do for him.”

“You will when he comes home. How did he feel about seeing you again?”

“He called me his princess.”

“Did you like it when he did?”

“Very much. I thought I would hug him to death. He really loves me, the Amanda me.”

“Do you think he’ll remember Mark?”

“It’s too early to tell. You should have seen his eyes light up when he first saw me, God Cindy, I felt so wanted.”

“Even more than when you were, Mark?”

“No, it was just different. I felt like he wanted to protect me whereas, when I’m Mark, he wanted to spend time with me, to show me things, you know, how to be a man.”

“And you didn’t feel that way as Amanda?”

“No, I just felt different, like he wanted to build a moat around me and worship me. Oh Cindy, I felt so special and so much like a girl. If being a girl could bring my father back, I’d be one in a heartbeat.”

“Maybe being Amanda might bring him back.”

Cindy’s dad came home a little after seven in the evening with a bouquet of flowers for Gloria.

“Honey, I’m home,” he yelled, as he entered the house.

“We’re in the kitchen,” she yelled back.

Ron Meyer entered the kitchen and handed the flowers to his wife. I couldn’t help seeing a thawing in their relationship as they kissed hello. Ron saw me sitting with Cindy looking at her portfolio.

“Mark, how’s your dad?” he asked.

“He’s a little better. He’s out of his coma, but doesn’t remember what happened.”

“Don’t worry, he’ll get better.”

“I hope so.”

“Hey, I heard you’re getting into modeling just like Cindy?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good for you. You don’t meet many boy models these days.”

Boy models? What had Gloria told her husband about me, and what had she left out?

“Umm, I’m not really a boy model sir.”

“Of course you are, what else would you be?” he asked, and then the penny dropped.

Ron paled as he looked intently at my face. You could have cut the tension with a knife.

“Uh, does your mother and father know?”

“They had to sign the permission papers.”

“I see, well for what its worth, you’re very pretty.”

The rest of the evening was tense and to be honest I was glad to see him go in the morning. I wondered what he would be telling his fellow employees about the freak living in his house?

The next three weeks passed quickly. I visited Dad four times, always as Amanda. I was becoming very comfortable as a girl which made me wonder what it was doing to the boy I had been for my whole life? Cindy finally talked me into dressing for her, which I did twice. To be honest, I didn’t feel any different than I did when dressed as Mark. I suppose Cindy had a point, I was whom ever I was inside and the outside didn’t matter. She was adamant that I was a girl and the more I thought about it I think she might be right, but if that was the case, why was I so happy being a boy?

The big moment in my life finally arrived. Cindy’s subscription to Teen magazine arrived with my picture in it. Actually there was more than one of me and Gloria went through the roof with excitement. I had made the inside of the front cover, a foldout in the middle and the rear cover of the magazine.

“Mark do you know what this means?” she asked.

“No.”

“You’re their featured model. You just made the big time sweetie.”

She explained that those were the most important places to be in the magazine. They also cost the most amount of money to advertise. Looking at the ads, I knew something was special. I don’t remember what I looked like during the shoot and especially looking as pretty as I did. There was no doubt as to who Lush wanted for their girl because next to my picture was my name in white print, Amanda Flowers.

Cindy and I spent the next five minutes hugging and squealing like a couple of teen girls even though we were still twelve years old.

“Girls, put something on. We have to go to the market and see if the other magazines have these pictures in them.”

Cindy and I had been lounging around playing video games and just talking. I was of course dressed as Mark, so I wondered why Gloria would address me as a girl? I guess after seeing the ad, I could hardly be addressed as a boy, I was beautiful.

We dressed, Cindy in her jeans and me in my shorts and a T-shirt. I looked like a scruffy girl or a typical boy, but it was summer time and it was expected.

We arrived at the market and headed straight to the magazine section and started looking at the latest issues of teen and women’s publications. I was in every one of them, some featuring me in the most looked at part and others not so prominently placed such as Vogue, but I was there. When I looked at myself it was as though I was seeing someone else altogether. I was Mark James, and all I saw was an absolutely gorgeous girl named Amanda Flowers. Looking at my face I could see why Lush had wanted me for their model, I just couldn’t relate to me being that girl.

Gloria bought all the magazines with my picture in them. It cost her a fortune.

“We need to see what they did with your photos and how they were used. I hope they didn’t photo-shop them, although I don’t know why they would, you’re so pretty.”

“Why would they change the pictures?”

“You’d be surprised, but I doubt it will happen in your case.”

We returned to Cindy’s and went through all the magazines. I was surprised at how I looked. As I said, I just couldn’t relate to being that beautiful girl. I looked older, maybe sixteen or seventeen and it was kind of flattering. The only a part of me you could see was my head and a little bit of my neck. I was wearing my wig and it was styled perfectly. My lashes drew attention to my eyes in ways I didn’t think was possible. They were long and luxurious.

“Your eyes are so pretty,” Gloria said. “It’s hard to believe your not wearing false lashes.”

“They’ve always been that long.”

“And that’s why Lush picked you to be their model. Believe me Amanda, you’re going to go a long way in this business.”

“What happens if they find out about Mark?”

“Honey, we’ll make sure no one does.”

Mom called later that evening and the news wasn’t good on my father.

“Honey, the doctors think your father’s brain damage is worse than they thought. It’s going to be a long stretch of therapy before he can return home.”

“Mom, we’ll be okay,” I said, “Guess what?”

“What Honey?”

“My picture is in a bunch of magazines.”

“They are?”

“Yes, and I look really pretty.”

Mom was silent for several seconds before she spoke.

“Which ones, Mark. I’ll buy one to see how my pretty, pretty boy looks.”

I named off several publications for her to look at.

“I’ll bring an issue back for your father to see. I’m sure he’ll be very happy to see his daughter, the model.”

“I hope so Mom, and Mom, please don’t be ashamed of me. I really like being a model.”

“Honey, I’m not ashamed of you, in fact just the opposite. I’m just worried about what this might do to you. You’re much too sweet and I worry about you.”

“Mom, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’m not worried about you sweetie, I’m worried about Amanda.”

“Mom, Amanda will be fine.”

“I hope so. Goodnight honey, I’ll tell your father I talked to you.”

“Mom, please tell him I love him.”

“I will.”

The news about my father was unsettling. As a child you thought your father was indestructible. Fathers and mothers were forever and were always there to lean on. Dad was the strong one, a real man, with the confidence in himself to not have to prove anything to anybody. He knew how to treat people and how he wanted people to treat him and his family. I still remember how he reacted to mascara when I was barely past infancy, it was fun and I was his little man. There was none of the BS that a boy couldn’t wear mascara, or any other makeup, it was just makeup. My father is a special man, and I miss him. My memories of our time together, fishing and becoming a man were special, but my dearest memory was when he held me tight to his chest as his daughter, his Amanda.

Dad was moved out of a private room into a semi-private one to save the cost private rooms demanded. Mom was very worried about how long the insurance would last before she had to dip into their savings. I think my father liked being with someone he could talk to while he recuperated, other than my mother. Since the room was no longer private my mother was going to return home and would visit every other day. The best part of that was I would join her to visit my father but as Amanda. I liked that I would be able to spend more time as a girl. Being Amanda had become a forgotten person even with the publication of my pictures. It just seemed easier to remain Mark, but as I began dressing as Amanda, I wondered why I hadn’t become her more often. I loved being Amanda and I hope my mother will become more at ease with her. Only time will tell.

A month passed and the new issues of the magazines came out again and I was featured as prominently as before. Gloria got a call from Hollywood Modeling and they requested another photo session. Lush Cosmetics was ecstatic with the result of the ads featuring me. Their sales had gone through the roof. Apparently all the girls that had written to, Lush, wanted to be just like Amanda Flowers, lashes and all. They needed new pictures so an appointment was made for the following week. Also during the call they mentioned several clothing lines had shown interest in having Amanda Flowers model a tweens line. Gloria said we would think about it, but asked how much they were offering, reminding them that Amanda Flowers was now a popular commodity. She thanked them and hung up the phone.

“Amanda, Honey, you’ve done it, there’s no turning back now. Everyone wants a piece of you. When things like this happen, it’s so exciting. I can’t wait for them to make an offer to you for the clothing line. I hope your ready for this, because you’re going to be very busy.”

“I’m fine I guess. I can hardly wait to tell Mom about it.”

“While you’re at it, you might ask your mother to send you to a salon. Your hair has grown long enough to style and it would be better if you showed your real hair rather than a wig. If they want they can supply you with longer hair and weave it in with extensions. You should do it as soon as possible because you’re going to have a hard time finding time for even a hairstyle.”

“I’ll ask Mom when I get home.”

It was dinnertime and I walked home. Mom had been living back home ever since Dad was moved to the semi-private room and we wouldn’t be going back to the hospital for two more days. I think Mom might be okay with me having my hair styled since I’ve been spending more time as Amanda now that I go with her to see Dad. I love the way his eyes light up when he sees me. Being Daddy’s little girl is a very special feeling.

“Mom, I’m home,” I said, as I entered the door.

“Dinner’s ready, I’m in the kitchen,” she replied.

I walked to the kitchen and saw Mom had made fried chicken, my favorite.

“Wash your hands and then we’ll eat,” Mom said.

I washed at the sink, drying my hands on the dishtowel. Mom had placed the chicken, some steamed broccoli and rice on the table. My mouth was watering.

“What’s the occasion, Mom?”

“Nothing special, except for you,” she answered.

“Mom, Mrs. Meyer got a call from the modeling agency today.”

“What did they say? Do they want to end the contract?”

“Gosh, no, in fact they want to do another photo shoot, and some clothing company wants me to model their clothes.”

“My goodness, it sounds as though you’re going to make some extra money for college.”

“That’s not all. Mrs. Meyer said I should have my hair styled. She says it’s long enough now.”

I couldn’t miss the frown on Mom’s face.

“I don’t know Mark, that’s an awfully big step for you.”

“But Mom, it will be so much easier than having to wear a wig all the time.”

“Oh Really,” she laughed. “ And what makes you think having your hair styled will make it easier for you?”

“I won’t have to care for the wig and the wig’s hot when I wear it. I’m always trying to cool my head.”

“You know, that makes sense, because I’m sure you’ll never have to brush and style your hair every morning when you get up, nor will you shampoo and condition it when you bathe or set it after you’ve wet it, No siree having your own long hair sounds like a walk in the park.”

“Mom, please, I really want this. I’m tired of wearing the wig.”

“You know if you do have your hair styled, you’re going to look like a girl all the time?”

“I look like a girl now.”

“No Mark, you look like a boy with a pretty face. Let me think about it, okay?”

“Yes Mom, but I really, really want to do this, and Mrs. Meyer said I might be able to have extensions put in too,” I said, excitedly.

“Extensions? God where did my little boy go?”

Mom talked to Gloria the next day. I don’t know what they discussed but Mom agreed to have my hair styled, extensions and all. She even agreed to have it done at a very up scale salon in San Francisco and Gloria would foot the bill. Gloria made an appointment for both Cindy and I to have our hair done at the same time. It would be fun.

We drove to San Francisco early Friday morning as our appointments were at ten in the morning. Cindy was just going to have a cut and style, but I was going to get extensions. I wasn’t finished until three in the afternoon. My hair was styled much the same as the wig, not too long but a little too mature for a twelve-year-old girl. The style was a bob that framed my face and ended just above my shoulders. It was a style I loved when I saw it. Because of the money Gloria spent they threw in a light makeover on my face. Amanda Flowers walked out of the salon, head held high; ready to take on the world.

We visited my father after my trip to the salon. He had tears in his eyes when he saw me.

“I’m the luckiest man in the world to have a daughter as pretty as you.”

“Thank you Daddy,” I said and, hugged him tightly.

The four of us stayed until visiting hours were over and then went for a bite to eat. Gloria suggested Bix, a supper club that had live Jazz, saying she knew the Manager and could get us in. True to her word we took a cab to the restaurant and entered the building.

Now, let me describe Bix. Being from Colfax, the closest thing to fine dining I had ever had was a burger at Ikeda’s on Interstate Eighty. This place took my breath away. From the outside you’d never think it would be the type of restaurant it was, it’s in an old brick building in the historic district of San Francisco. Walking through tall steel doors into the entry and then into the dinning room was an experience I’ll never forget. On the right was a long bar with people standing and laughing as they drank what ever it was they were drinking, probably cocktails. To the left was a dinning room and a stairway to the second story level of tables. At the rear was a piano player and singer entertaining the room full of people. The hostess led us to the upper level and seated us at a corner table with a Picasso sculpture in a cabinet behind the table, protected by glass. At our location we drew more than our share of stares. I had worn the short dress I had fallen so in love with during our first photo session and with my hair and makeup I felt like my father’s princess. I’m not going to draw this out, but needless to say the food was wonderful and I ate caviar for the first time. We were served little potato puffs with this black stuff on top, after I ate one and gushed about how good it was, Mom said the black stuff was caviar, fish eggs. I almost went eww, but learned it might sound gross, but it tasted so good I wanted another. There were four on the plate so we each had one.

“Amanda, there ‘s going to be more food, so don’t be disappointed that you only had one. Fine dinning is like that. You savor each plate, you’ll see, there’s no need to eat a pile of food when everything tastes so good.”

A strange thing happened halfway through the meal. A Family of four left and walked to the stairway from the other side of the restaurant. . The daughter kept looking at me and just before the family started down the stairs, she walked to our table. She appeared to be around fourteen years old and was quite pretty. Her clothes were ones I wished I owned.

She looked at me and asked, “You’re Amanda Flowers, aren’t you?”

I felt my face turning red as I answered, “Yes.”

“Oh God, I knew it. I told my mother you were, but Mother said you wouldn’t be having dinner here. I love your eyes and Mother bought me your entire line of makeup. God I’m so jealous of your lashes, you’re so pretty,” She gushed.

“Lindsey, leave the poor girl alone, we have to go.”

“Oh God, wait until I tell my girlfriends that I met Amanda Flowers, they’re going to be sooo jealous.”

Lindsey turned and walked away, leaving me speechless.

Chapter 10

After the incident with Lindsey I couldn’t help but wonder what my friends back home would have thought about the new Mark? Because of the accident I hadn’t played with any of my guy friends since Dad went into the hospital. Being a small community word had spread quickly of my father’s accident and not being seen by anyone didn’t cause a stir. Now that my hair had been styled and not cut could bring the attention I had hoped to avoid, mainly me becoming a female model. I wasn’t too worried about being teased because whom ever did that to me knew what the result would be, a bloody nose courtesy of tough as nails, Mark James.

Mrs. Meyers paid for dinner, as I knew Mom couldn’t afford anything this extravagant. I would later learn Gloria wrote it off as a business expense and paid for with money earned from her fees for my services. Finishing dinner, we drove home, but with more conversation than usual. Most of the time we went to San Francisco our conversation ebbed by the time we reached Richmond as sleep over took our tired bodies, by not tonight. The excitement of dinner and being recognized by Lindsey kept us deep in conversation until we reached home.

“I couldn’t believe that girl coming right up to our table to ask if you were Amanda Flowers,” Cindy said.

“You’d better get used to it Amanda, you’re a celebrity now and this may have been the first time, but it certainly won’t be the last. It might even become a distraction in your life,” Gloria said.

“I didn’t mind, I thought it was kind of cool.”

“Speaking of distractions, school starts in another month and I’d like to know what we’re going to do with Amanda then?” Mom asked.

“That shouldn’t be a problem, Mom, My hair will be longer and I’ll just muss it up, no one will know.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” Gloria said. “You’re Amanda Flowers now, and Amanda Flowers doesn’t let her hair look messy. You’ll be having it styled every two weeks until you opt out of your contract. You have two photo shoots scheduled already and as word spreads you’ll have many more. That signing bonus from Lush will look like beans compared to what other lines offer you. You’re going to be a very rich young lady.”

“Mark’s fellow students and his teachers will never put up with him being Amanda at school. He might be tough, but he’s not stupid and the bullies will just gang up on him. You know they could care less if a fight is fair.”

We sat quietly for several minutes. Mom was right about the bullies and I might have kicked Frank’s ass twice, but if I showed up at school as a girl even the non bullies would be more than happy to give Frank a hand. At the moment I didn’t feel so pretty anymore, I felt betrayed.

“I think there’s a solution,” Gloria said. “There is a private school in Auburn where rich parents send their kids just so they can avoid the unpleasantness of bullying in the public schools. Amanda could attend school there.”

“Gloria, there’s no way I could afford that, what with Lance in the hospital. I’m worried enough that his insurance is going to run out before he finishes his rehabilitation, so the added expense of private school is out of the question for Mark.”

“Rachel, we’re not talking about Mark here, we’re talking about Amanda and what’s best for her. Amanda could pay for the school out of the money she already has and barely make a dent in it. With the new clients she has that money will seem like a drop in the bucket. I can’t think of another solution other than Amanda giving up her career, but that’s your decision to make.”

“But what will happen to Mark?”

“I’m afraid Mark will have to be Amanda everyday for this to work. The school wouldn’t put up with a boy showing up when a girl is supposed to be there.”

“Gloria, I’m going to have to think about this. I don’t like what we’ve been doing to Mark so far and making him live, as a girl wasn’t what we signed on for. This modeling thing has gotten completely out of hand and if we continue with it, I don’t know what will happen to my son?”

“I know Rachel, and I’m sorry, but if you decide to have Mark back you can kiss Amanda’s career goodbye, that and the millions of dollars she will earn. If you decide to have Mark back I’ll understand and will support you any way I can.”

“Thank you Gloria, you’re a special friend.”

Gloria dropped us off and Mom got the mail. It was after one in the morning. She opened a letter from the Insurance Company handling Dad’s accident.

“No,” she wailed.

“What’s wrong Mom?” I asked.

“It’s the insurance company. They say Dad’s benefits will run out August seventh. He just started therapy and has shown slight improvement. We can’t stop now,” she said as her eyes filled with tears.

“Isn’t there something we can do?”

“Mark, honey, we don’t have savings and what little we have in the bank barely pays the bills as it is. We might have to sell the house to pay your father’s medical bills.”

I lowered myself onto the sofa and crossed my ankles to keep my legs together. In the dress I was wearing, exposure of myself was a real possibility, and even though Mom knew everything about me, I had become used to being a lady and not showing everything I owned.

“Mom, I think there’s something else we can do. We can use the money I make modeling to pay for Dad.”

“Mark, I won’t hear of it. That money’s for college and I won’t have you paying medical bills with it.”

“Mom I have more than enough for college, college and that private school in Auburn and Mrs. Meyers said I’m going to make a lot more.”

“But it’s your money.”

“I know Mom, and I want to spend it on Dad. I love my father so much and if I can help him get better than that’s what I want to do.”

“You’re so mature for a twelve year old boy.”

“Mom, I’m almost thirteen.”

“Of course, that does make a difference,” she chuckled.

Mom accepted my offer with hesitation and but the relief was clearly visible on her face. Her most serious concern, though, was what would happen to her pretty, pretty boy.

Mom informed Gloria that I would have to attend the school in Auburn, starting in September. Gloria was ecstatic because her meal ticket would continue to bring much-needed funds into her bank account. It’s not that Cindy’s father didn’t make good money, it was just that Cindy’s mom spent more than he made, so her little sideline, mainly me, allowed her to live the life she wanted to live.

The next two weeks were very busy for Amanda. We had two photo shoots, one for Lush and the other for a clothing line. Both were fun at first, but grew to be tedious by the end of the shoot. The clothing line wanted to shoot over two days so Mom and I stayed in the City so we wouldn’t have to drive back and forth to Colfax. I noticed the busier I got the more time I spent as Amanda, not that I’m complaining as I’ve grown quite fond of being her, it’s just that I miss being Mark. As much as I love being a girl a part of me misses the boy just as much. I’m not sure if it’s the boyish activities I miss or I actually just want to be a boy and Amanda is all an act? I’m sure I’ll know more after school starts and I have to be Amanda twenty four seven. This year is going to be a very interesting experiment for me.

With the photo shoots finished, Cindy and I just did kid things and spent lots of time watching our birds raise their babies in the oak tree. Our time at our special place was a wonderful distraction to all that was happening to me. I didn’t spend any time with the boys like I used to, mainly because of my hair, which was styled once again before the clothing shoot. Now I was able to be Mark again, only with a girl’s hairstyle, but I was still a boy once again.

Mom concentrated on enrolling me in school. The school in Auburn accepted me, well the Amanda me, and all I needed to enroll was a physical. Apparently Gloria had been spending time on that, knowing it would become an issue at sometime in the future.

“Rachel, I have a doctor in San Francisco that specializes in gender issues willing to take Amanda as a patient. I explained that Amanda needs a physical to enroll in school and she said it wouldn’t be a problem, so I made an appointment for next week. Dr. Williams asked if you could have Mark’s medical records forwarded to her before you saw her?” Gloria asked.

“I’ll call right away. I’m still very apprehensive of what we’re doing.”

“Don’t worry Rachel, you’re making the right decision and to be honest, how else would you afford to pay for Lance’s therapy?”

“I know Gloria, I feel so bad about what Mark is doing with his money. I just wish there was another way.”

The following week found me in the doctor’s office. I was dressed as Amanda and the appointment had been made in her name. The latest issue of Teen was on the table and I saw my picture on the back cover. I still had a hard time thinking of the girl in the picture as being me.

“Amanda, the doctor will see you now.”

Mom and I were led to a small room with an examination table, a chair and a computer monitor.

“Please put this gown on, the doctor will be right in,” the attendant said, handing me a paper gown, before closing the door.

I removed my clothes but left my panties on hoping I wouldn’t have to remove them.

The door opened and a woman in her early thirties entered the room. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail revealing a plain but kind face. Her eyes sparkled as a smile crossed her lips. I like her the moment I saw her and felt I could trust her.

“Hello Amanda, I’m Dr. Williams,” she said.

“Hi.”

“I guess we should start with why you’re here today?”

“Amanda needs a physical for entry into her new school,” Mom interjected.

“I see, but why didn’t you go to your regular physician. I sure you’re aware that I specialize in helping children with special needs?”

“Dr. we know that and I’m sure you know Amanda is really a boy who needs digression with regards to his sex and medical needs?” Mom asked.

“So I gather her usual physician has never met Amanda?”

“No.”

“Okay, let’s get the school problem out of the way and then I think we’re going to have to talk about some of Amanda’s other needs. Amanda, you’re going to have to remove your gown and I’m sorry to say, your panties too.”

I did as she asked and my examination began. I was poked and prodded, weighed and measured for height. The only part of the exam I didn’t like was when Dr. Williams felt my private parts, and even though she did it gently, I didn’t like it.

“We’re finished Amanda, you can put your clothes back on. Mrs. James, Amanda is in fine health and there’s no reason that she can’t attend school in the fall, but there are other issues we should address. Amanda has grown four inches in the last year and is just short of five feet tall. She’s going to turn thirteen in another month and I can almost guarantee her growth won’t stop for sometime. This brings us to a different problem for her. Amanda hasn’t started her puberty yet, or maybe I should say Mark hasn’t, but it could be any day now and if your wish is for Amanda to remain as feminine as possible, you shouldn’t let that happen. Amanda is a very pretty girl and if puberty was to start, that could all change. When I fist saw Amanda she looked familiar, and I still can’t place her?”

There was a copy on last months Teen in a magazine holder on the wall. I pulled it out and showed her the back cover with my picture on it.

“That’s me.”

“Of course, Amanda Flowers, the Lush girl, and they don’t know you’re a boy?”

“No, and I like modeling for them so I would hate to start looking like a man if I didn’t have to.”

“There is something I could do for you that would delay your puberty, but your mom will have to agree with what I would do to you. I could give you hormone blockers to delay puberty until you went off of them. There won’t be any damage to your body as long as we don’t keep you on them forever, but the sooner you decide the better the outcome will be. Now, there are other issues we need to discuss if Amanda is going to attend school as a girl. I can do my part with regards to your body, but there are legal issues that must be taken care of before you attend school. First is your legal identity and old school records. You’re a minor so changing your driver’s license won’t be a problem, but we’ll need to change every thing else about you. The only thing an attorney won’t be able to fix is your birth certificate, that is until you have surgery to change your sex. I’m not an expert on the legal aspect but I know a little about it and I have a friend who’s an attorney that handles issues like this. I’ll give you his number so you can take care of the legal end of your problem. Another requirement I have is that you see a mental therapist to work with you to find out who Amanda James really is? So, what do you think, do I start you on your blockers today?”

“Mom, can I, please?” I pleaded.

“Are you sure it won’t damage my son?” Mom asked.

“No Mrs. James, and from what I see of your daughter it would be the best thing you could right now.”

Mom’s face quivered with indecision. I knew what was going through her head; she didn’t want to lose her son.

“Mom, let Dr. Williams give me the shot. We don’t know how long Dad’s going to be in the hospital and you know what modeling means to him and me.”

Pulling the Dad card was playing dirty pool, but if I didn’t, I felt Mom wouldn’t go along with what I wanted, and that was to live as Amanda to see if I really wanted to be a girl or go back to being Mark when I tired of the femininity I was drawing myself into. I saw Mom’s face give in with a look of defeat.

“Okay, go ahead with the treatment and give me the names of the people you want us to see. I hope we’re not making a mistake Amanda.”

We left the doctor’s office, me with sore buttocks and Mom with a scowl on her face. I wish she would be more accepting of what I was doing, but I could see her point of view too. I was her son and Dad’s too, even though he couldn’t remember me as Mark. We were a happy family, and Dad was a loving husband and father who adored his son, a mother who thought she had the prettiest boy ever for a son, and me, a well adjusted boy, who was being taught how to be a real man, by a man who knew how to treat people with respect, no matter how they lived their lives. He taught me to avoid a fight, unless it couldn’t be avoided, and then fight for all I was worth to gain the respect of my opponent, never hurt anyone or say hurtful things. My father was the best teacher I ever had. Now Mom had made the decision to not allow me to mature into the man my father hoped I would be and to make things worse he didn’t even remember his son, but loved his daughter to pieces. I just hoped my mother would come to love her daughter as much as my father does.

Mom filled the prescription for my daily doses of blockers and called the attorney. He said he would forward all the paperwork to us and to drop it off at our convenience. Mom explained that time was of the essence since school would be starting in less than a month. He said he would take care of everything.

The last thing Mom did was call the mental therapist and made an appointment for me. I would start seeing him the next time we visited dad. The last thing on the menu was getting me sorted out clothing wise for the fall season at school. Mom suggested we wait until Cindy could come along as she had much better clothes sense that my mother had. I agreed.

Cindy, Gloria, Mom, and I went shopping the next day. Gloria directed us to a mall in Sacramento that had some nicer stores, like Nordstrom’s and Macys. You get what you pay for was her mantra so we spent the next six hours shopping till we dropped.

“Couldn’t we have found just as nice clothes at Wal-Mart?” Mom asked, as Gloria paid the bills with the funds from my bank account.

“Rachel, Amanda is going to a school where the students would never be seen dead in a store like that. You can tell from the quality and fit they’re from Macys, no Wal-Mart just wouldn’t do.”

Thus started my life as a girl, not that I wasn’t a girl before, but I had been Mark trying to be Amanda. Now I would be Amanda and Mark would be the forgotten one. Could I really forget that I was Mark deep down inside? Maybe, maybe not.

The following week I met my therapist. He was a medium height man, probably five nine or ten. I had expected him to have a goatee and wire rimed glasses, just like in the movies, but I was wrong. Dr. Adams had a kind clean-shaven face, merry brown eyes and a cheerful smile. He carried and extra ten pounds that gave him a softer look with out looking overweight. His voice was soft but carried authority.

“Hello Amanda, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Dr. Adams and we’ll be visiting regularly for a while, I hope,” he said.

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“I understand you’re quite the popular young lady?”

“Umm, I don’t know about that.”

“No need to be modest, Amanda, I researched you before you came to see me and I know about Amanda Flowers. You’re a very pretty young woman.”

“Thank you.”

“I also know about your former identity and I’m sure that’s why you’re here. I have quite a number of patients like you, trying to sort out their gender concerns. Today, I’d like to get a feel of who Amanda James is and we won’t be talking much about why you want to become a girl, but what your likes are and why you’re dissatisfied with your life.”

“I’m not dissatisfied with my life.”

“Maybe I phrased that wrong and should have said dissatisfied with your sex?’

“I’m happy with my sex, it’s just that it’s complicated.”

“And how’s that?”

And so it started, as I explained how my mom and I had our little ritual and my father teaching me to be a man. None of what we had done when I was younger had anything to do with how I felt about my sex and that I fell into modeling by chance, but now that my father was in the hospital I needed to be Amanda Flowers to help pay for his treatment.

“And how do you feel about this kind of responsibility?”

“I don’t mind, he’s my father and I love him dearly. I’d do anything for him.”

“Even change your sex?”

“If I had to, to make him better I would.”

“I see, and would you change your sex to make yourself happier?”

“I don’t understand the question?”

“What I’m asking is whether or not you would change your sex right now if given the opportunity?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I want someone I can talk to about my concerns of being a girl and whether I really want to be one. I love being Amanda, but I love being Mark too and I’m going to start living as Amanda for reasons other than my sexual concerns. It’s something I have to do so if I come here and cry my heart out I hope you’ll be able to help me?”

“I want you to feel free to say what ever you want when you’re with me. Anything you say stays in this room and I won’t share it with anyone, even your mother.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise. Amanda, I’m sorry if I sounded harsh with you but I wanted to get to know the real you, and I think I have some insight now as to where you’re coming from. The next sessions will be much easier from now on and I look forward to seeing you next week.”

“Thank you, Dr.”

Mom and I returned home and I called Cindy.

“Hey, I’m home,” I said, when she answered the phone.

“What did the doctor say?”

Cindy has always one not to mince words so you always knew where you stood with her and also knew she didn’t want to waste time before getting to what she wanted to know.

“Nothing much, we just talked.”

“Did you tell him you’re a girl inside?”

“Of course not, even I don’t know that for sure.”

“Yes you do, you just won’t admit it.”

“Cindy, I don’t know why you keep saying that?”

“Because you are a girl, everything you do is how a girl does things, you just don’t see it.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re considerate and love the same things I do. It’s like the birds in the meadow; boys don’t like watching the way they live. Boys want to shoot them with a BB gun. You would never do something like that. It’s just the way you are.”

“My father wouldn’t either, but that doesn’t make him a girl.”

“I know Amanda, it’s just, I don’t know, you’re different. I can’t explain it.”

“Maybe Dr. Adams will help me see the same thing you do, or maybe he’ll show me that I’m really a boy who likes girls clothes.”

“Amanda, its not the clothes, it’s you. Even when you’re dressed as Mark, you’re a girl. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

I still dressed as Mark when we were home. Mom didn’t want the neighbors to be shocked to learn Amanda Flowers was living next door, well actually Amanda James because even though we rarely saw them, they had met Mark more than once. What would happen when school started might become an issue, but we would worry about that when the time came.

We returned to Dr. Adams the next week for another session in the life of Amanda James.

“Hello Amanda, I trust your week went well?”

“Yes Dr.”

“So, anything you’d like to talk about today?”

“Maybe about me, the Amanda me.”

“You can do that, what would you like to tell me?”

“My best friend thinks I’m a girl.”

“Who’s that?”

“Cindy. She’s the one who saw me for the first time with mascara on. Her mother got me into modeling.”

“I see, and why does she say you’re a girl.”

“She say’s I’m a girl inside because I do things like a girl. I told her I didn’t know if that was true because I like being a boy.”

“I see. I have to ask, you’re here as Amanda and yet you say you like being a boy. Why haven’t I seen Mark yet?”

“It’s a long story,” I said, not wanting to admit I’d rather be Amanda when I saw him.

“We have all hour Amanda and I’d really like to hear your explanation.”

“When I come here I also visit my father in the hospital and after his accident he only remembers me as Amanda. My mom and I think it would be best that I don’t upset him by showing up as Mark. He’s having enough trouble trying to remember things before the accident. He also can’t walk because of the brain damage he sustained so I always visit him as Amanda.”

“I see, and how do you feel about that? Would you like to become Mark just once to see his reaction?”

I sat quietly for a moment before I answered.

“No.”

“And why’s that?”

“I like being his daughter. When I was Mark my father and I had a special connection. We did everything together, played ball and fished, watched all the sports programs on ESPN; you know we just did guy stuff. Now that I’m Amanda his daughter things are different between us. He treasures every moment I’m with him and when he holds me in his arms I feel as though I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”

“You wouldn’t feel the same way if you were Mark?”

“No, it’s different. I love my father so much and if being a girl will help him then I’ll be a girl for the rest of my life.”

“That sounds nice Amanda, but pleasing your father is no reason to become a girl. That choice has to come from here,” he said, pointing at his head.

“Can I still be Amanda and go to school as a girl?”

“Yes of course. I’m not saying you’re not a girl, what I’m saying is not to rush into something to please your father, or your friend Cindy, or anyone else who thinks you should be a girl.”

“What about my modeling career?”

“What about it?”

“Can I still be a model?”

“Yes you can, but something you should think about is how long you’re going to be one. As you grow older your clients will expect to see changes in your body. I’m sure you should be okay for a few years, until your fifteen or sixteen, but then, if you’re still a girl with a boy’s body you might lose everything you’ve gained. You’re what, thirteen? You have several years before a decision as important as hormones has to be made, and hopefully we’ll have an answer as to whether you’re a boy or girl.”

“Is it wrong for me to like being a girl so much?”

“Amanda, there’s no wrong or right answer to that question. What’s important is how you feel about being Amanda or being Mark for that matter. Our session is almost over, so I want to give you some homework to do before you come back next week. I want you to think about whether you’d rather be Amanda or Mark and you didn’t have a modeling contract and your father was healthy again. Pretend he knows Mark and Amanda and that he would love either person as much as the other. The same goes for your mother and how she feels about Amanda and Mark. Don’t let your friend Cindy influence your decision. Make it for yourself. Who would you be most happy being for the rest of your life?”

Mom and I visited my father after seeing Dr. Adams. Who did I want to be? I knew my mother wanted her son back, and my father wished he could spend more time with his daughter. Most of all I just wanted to be held in my father’s arms and have him tell me how much he loved his little girl.

Chapter 11

The week went by faster than I thought it would. I spent most of my time as Mark, but did make Cindy happy on Sunday when I showed up at her door as Amanda.

“God Amanda, I was wondering where you had gone? I love Mark dearly, but you know how I feel about my girlfriend.”

“I know Cindy, but I have to spend time as Mark to find out how I really feel about what’s happening to me. I like kicking back and being a boy once in a while.”

“What did you do?”

“I watched football on TV and just did guy things, like throwing a ball against the wall to practice catch. I went to Billie’s house and we played touch football.”

“You didn’t. What did he say about your hair?”

“Nothing, he look at me and made a face and that was it. We were just two guys hanging out together. I liked being a boy for a change.”

“You’d better be careful. If you hurt yourself you could ruin your career.”

“I’ll be careful.”

I thought about what Cindy had said. She was right, if I was to injure myself and scared my face I could say goodbye to modeling, and we needed the money when Dad’s insurance ran out. That kind of pressure is too much for someone my age. It just wasn’t fair.

On Monday I started thinking about what Dr. Adams wanted me to do, make a decision. Did I want to become Amanda or remain, Mark? I was already a boy and did boy things. My father had taught me how to become a man and even though he didn’t finish what he had started to teach, I pretty much knew what being a real man was all about. Obviously it would be easier to remain a boy as I was already in that camp and I liked being there, warts and all. What about Amanda Christine Flowers? She was a person I created, not the pretty outside, but the girl inside, Amanda was me. I loved dressing as her, but I liked the way I felt inside even better. I thought of how I felt the first time I wore my favorite dress and how exposed my legs were, knowing a boy would never wear something as feminine as that dress. If I could bottle the feelings I had, I would and open the bottle everyday. That was the happiest I had ever felt and if I could remain that girl for the rest of my life, I would. I knew I wouldn’t always feel that way if I was to remain a girl, because as a girl I couldn’t wear that dress everyday, but I was willing to try to find that small piece of happiness again. I knew becoming Amanda would be the most difficult journey I could take.

Wednesday we were back at Dr. Adams office.

“Good morning Amanda, how did your week go?”

“It went good, I even spent time with one of my guy friends and we played football.”

“How did you like that?”

“It was fun.”

“Did you think about your assignment that I gave you last week?”

“Yes, a lot.”

“And what did you come up with?”

“I’m still not sure of what I want to do. I thought about being Mark and how much easier it would be to remain a boy and then I thought about Amanda and how much happier I am when I’m her. I know I’ve been Amanda for just a short time and not all the time, but I love being her.”

“Are you sure it’s not the novelty of being a girl, you know being a boy in the girl’s camp?”

“I’m not sure, which is why I can’t give you an answer yet. Maybe after I live as Amanda for a while I’ll be able to make up my mind. I need to know the hard things about being a girl, not just the exciting things.”

“That’s a very mature answer Amanda and I’m glad you didn’t make your decision today. I think it will take months and maybe years before you know who you really are.”

“I hope it doesn’t take too long, because if I decide to become a real girl, I want it to happen soon.”

“Good things can’t be rushed. There’s no time limit on life Amanda, only ones you put on yourself.”

“What about puberty?”

“I know you started on a course of blockers to delay your male puberty and hopefully we’ll know what direction to go in the next year. If you’re to remain a boy then I’d like you to discontinue as soon as possible and the same holds true if you want to become a girl. But as I said, there’s no time limit for you to make a decision, only the one you think is best for you.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

The rest of the summer flew by faster than I thought it would. Everything was in place for me to start at my new school and as much as I hated to admit it, I was excited to be attending as Amanda James. I would be starting eighth grade and I knew none of the other students at the school. The best thing though was that no one knew me.

Mom got me up early to get ready for my big day. I would learn quickly that being a girl wasn’t all roses and it took more time to get ready that it did when I was a boy.

I wanted to be perfect for my first impression with my new group of students. I wore my denim miniskirt and a cute tank top. On my feet were white canvas shoes. Mom allowed me to wear a little mascara and pink lip-gloss and warned me that a girl my age shouldn’t even be wearing that. My hair had just been style and I looked perfect. I hoped the other students thought so too.

Mom drove me to Auburn and pulled the car up to the front of the school to let me off.

“I’ll be here when you finish sweetheart,” she said, and I realized she was crying.

“Mom, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry Amanda, I never thought I would be dropping off my daughter for her first day of school. I’m just a little emotional, that’s all.”

“Oh Mom,” I said, and gave her a hug.

“Go on now or you’ll be late. I’ll see you at three fifteen.”

“I love you Mom,” I said, as I exited the car.

As I walked to the front entry my apprehension grew. I was the new kid on the block, and I didn’t know anyone at this school. To make things worse I could feel everyone staring at me, girls and boys. I remembered what it was like when a new student attended my old school for the first time, it was the same. I was an outsider and wondered how long it would take for someone to say something to me? Then there was that little thing that I was attending school as a girl for the first time, maybe that had more to do with my nervousness than actually being new. As I approached the front door a boy maybe six inches taller than me blocked my way. His face was full of acne pimples, his eyes piggish and glaring. He was fifteen pounds overweight and had puffy lips. His dirty blonde hair looked as though it hadn’t been combed for a week.

“Going somewhere,” he snarled.

There were three other boys with him but they were closer to my five feet tall. God not here too, I thought to myself, the class bullies.

“I’m going to the office to get my class schedule,” I responded, with a confident tone in my voice.

“I don’t think so, at least not until I say you can.”

I stepped to his right and walked around him, not saying a word then he made a mistake, he grabbed my arm.

“Hey,” I said, pulling free of his grip.

It was then he made his second mistake, he reached for me again. I learned in second grade that if you let a bully intimidate you, you were dead meat for the rest of the year. Just because I was a girl didn’t mean I had lost my boxing skills and a quick left to his stomach and a right hand to his nose pretty much sealed his doom. He let out a yelp and staggered against the wall next to the door, blood streaming from his nose. My hands were shaking. God what a way to make friends at my new school, I thought. Nice going Amanda.

“You bothering the girl, Makie?”

“She hit me,” Makie complained.

“You’re lucky she did, because I was on my way over here to punch you myself. Don’t you know it’s not nice to pick on girls?”

“Shit, Kurt, I think she hits harder than you.”

“Shall we find out Asshole?”

“No man.”

“Apologize to the girl.”

“Ah man,” Makie whined.

“Do it.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, as he wiped the blood from his nose on a paper towel.

“If I hear of you bothering her again, I’ll kick your ass, got it?”

“I got it Kurt.”

The boy, I gathered was named Kurt. He was tall, had broad shoulders, a tapered waist and a ready smile. His green eyes flashed with merriment as he ran his fingers through his dirty blond hair. I guess you could say he was very handsome, but obviously not my type.

You must be new here, I’m Kurt, with a K, Granger,” he said extending his hand toward mine.

“Amanda James, and yes this is my first day,” I said, taking his hand in mine.

“You’re the first person I’ve seen stand up to Makie Cloud. I can imagine the Tweets must be having a field day with this, ‘gorgeous girl kicks bullies ass’,” he laughed. “Why did you do it?”

“Because he’s not the first bully I’ve met. There was one in second grade and he kept picking on me until I punched him in the nose. He only tried to bother me one more time with the same result. I found if you stand up to the creeps, they wouldn’t bother you.”

“You’re right about that. So what’s a pretty girl doing, going to a school like this?” he asked.

“My mom wanted me to go to a school where I wouldn’t be bothered.”

“She was sure wrong about that. What grade are you in, ten or eleven?”

“God no, I’m in the eighth, I just turned thirteen.”

“So I guess asking you out on a date would be out of the question?”

“My mother would kill me if I went out with a boy.”

“I imagine she would. Where are you headed?”

“To the office to get my schedule.”

“I’ll walk with you, come on,” he said, pulling my hand gently, the one he hadn’t let go of the whole time we were talking.

“Thanks for showing me to the office Kurt, I’ll see you around.”

“I’ll wait, I wouldn’t want you to get lost trying to find your first class.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

I blushed.

I got my student package from the person behind the desk and returned to a waiting Kurt outside the door.

“Where do you have to go?” he asked.

I opened the large envelope and pulled my class schedule from it.

“Umm, Mrs. Longview, math one oh one in room two fifteen.”

“Second floor, come on,” he said, taking my hand again. “Longview’s nice, but if you don’t do your work in her class she’ll bite your head off.”

“Did you have her before?”

“Three years ago.”

We reached my classroom and Kurt turned toward me, still holding my hand.

“Have lunch with me?”

“Umm, okay I guess.”

I looked at our hands still entwined, his so large and mine so small and dainty. My hand looked ugly and I wondered what it would look like with polish on my nails.

“Meet me by the front doors.”

“Okay.”

I entered the classroom and found an empty desk in the middle of the room. My mind wandered to what I just did, accepted a date with a boy. Granted it was just lunch, but why did I do it? Was I infatuated with a jock like Kurt because he had impressed Mark, or was something else happening to me? I have never had any interest in boys other than to play with and the thought of one liking me for other reasons turned my stomach, well Mark’s stomach, but for some reason the thought of having lunch with Kurt excited me.

“The class began to fill and soon all but one desk was filled. I was greeted with the usual stares from both boys and girls. A plain looking girl with glasses sat to my right and a stunning blonde girl to my left. She was repairing her makeup, which she wore too much of.

“Hi, I’m Tiffany,” she said turning toward me. “You’re the girl who gave Makie the bloody nose, aren’t you?”

I felt my face turning red with embarrassment.

“Yes.”

“Good going girl, he’s such an asshole. What’s your name?”

“Amanda James.”

“You’re new.”

“Yes, this is my first day here.”

“You’ll like it, hey want to have lunch with me and some of my friends?”

“I would but I’m having lunch with Kurt Granger.”

“Kurt Granger? My God, he’s like the hottest boy in school. Are you seeing him?”

“You mean like dating?”

“Yes of course dating.”

“No, my mother would never let me go on a date with a boy. We just met this morning.”

“God, I’m so jealous.”

A fortyish woman walked into the room wearing a skirt, white blouse and suit jacket. Her hair was pulled into a bun and she wore minimal makeup. She was reasonably attractive in a no nonsense way. Turning toward the class, she cleared her throat and said, “Settle down class, we’re here to learn math, not to find out who has a new boy or girl friend. As most of you know, I’m Mrs. Longview and I’ll be teaching you Mathematics one oh one this year. I see several new faces in our class and I’d like for you to stand and introduce yourselves.

A boy in the rear of the class stood and said, “I’m Tom Greene, my parents just moved here from Chicago.”

Tom was a slight boy, probably two inches shorter than me and looked as if he wanted to crawl into a hole. He was the type of person Makie would seek out as a new toy to torture.

A second boy stood and said, “Marvin Cummings, I’m from Sacramento.”

Marvin was taller than me and severely overweight. He looked as though he couldn't care less about being in school.

“Young lady?” Mrs. Longview asked looking at me.

I stood and smiled, “I’m Amanda James and I’m from Colfax.”

“It’s nice to meet you students old and new, now let's get started learning math.”

During class I couldn’t help noticing Tiffany turning and looking at me with a strange look on her face. Could the idea of a girl giving Makie a bloody nose have such an effect on her. Just before class was to end, her expression changed and she looked as if she had just found the meaning of life. As soon as the bell rang ending the period, she looked at me and smiled.

“You’re Amanda Flowers, aren’t you.”

So much for going incognito for the rest of the year.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“Girlfriend, I buy Lush cosmetics because of you. God I want your lashes so bad. No wonder Kurt asked you to lunch. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you,” I said, removing my class schedule from my bag. I wanted so badly to getaway from Tiffany. I wasn’t used to fan adoration and hoped she wasn’t in my science class. She wasn’t but the plain looking girl that sat next to me was. Her name was Ginny Burns.

Ginny was one of those girls that looked like she couldn't care less about her appearance. The clothes she wore seemed to be a size too big on her and without style. Her hair just hung if you know what I mean. She wore no makeup, which I guess isn’t to rare for a thirteen-year-old girl, but I wondered why she wouldn’t try to do something to make herself more attractive? The more I looked at Ginny though, the more I realized she was actually, a very attractive girl, only she had to do something about it to bring out her beauty.

Our teacher, Mr. Laurence introduced himself to the class. This was his first year here, after teaching in the public schools of Los Angeles. He was young, maybe thirty and very handsome. I noticed some of the girls in my class watching him like a lion watched a gazelle, they were smitten.

“Class,” he said, “we’re going to have lab two days a week and you will need to have a partner. I’ll send a sheet of paper around the class so you can list who you will be working with.”

Mr. Laurence started the paper on one side of the class. Being new, I had no idea of whom I would have as a partner since I didn’t know anyone, other than Tiffany and Kurt. I felt someone touch my arm and turned to find Ginny.

“Excuse me, but would you be my partner?” she asked. Her face showed no smile, in fact, her expression looked like she was expecting a rejection. “I’m Ginny.”

“Sure, I’d be happy to be your partner, I’m Amanda James,” I said, extending my hand to my new partner.

Ginny shook my hand softly and said, “I know, you’re that model.”

The way she said it made me want to hold her, she was so sad. She removed a piece of paper from her backpack and wrote something on it and handed it to me. This is my phone number so we can exchange notes. You can call me anytime you want.”

“Cool. I’ll call you tonight when I get home.”

“I’d like that,” she answered softly.

The rest of my morning classes were uneventful except for the continued stares and the “that’s her,” murmurs. I guess Tiffany had spread the word that Amanda Flowers now attended the same school they did.

The lunch bell rang and I walked to the front doors and found Kurt already there.

“Hi Amanda, you made it.”

“Why wouldn’t I, I promised to meet you here.”

“I don’t know, I just thought with you being a model and all you might change your mind and eat with someone else.”

“God, what is with this model thing? I’m just a girl like everyone else,” I snapped. Well, maybe not a girl like everyone else, but no one knew anything about that little tidbit.

“Wow, someone’s sensitive today.”

I felt bad now, as it wasn’t Kurt’s fault that the rest of the students were treating me like some kind of unapproachable star.

“I’m sorry, I’m not used to people acting this way around me. Forgive me?” I asked, blinking my eyes seductively. I might be new at being a girl, but I had already learned the power of a girl could have on a boy with the smallest flirt.

“Forgiven, Are you hungry?”

“Well duh, it is lunchtime” I giggled.

Kurt laughed, “You’re funny, come on,” Taking my hand a pulling me next to him.

We walked to the cafeteria, hand in hand, which concerned me because I didn’t try to withdraw from his grip; in fact, I kind of liked the feeling of a boy - girl interaction.

After getting our food, Kurt carried my tray for me and led me to a table near the center of the room. All eyes followed our every move. He placed my tray on one side of the table and his on the other facing me.

“Welcome to the world of wonder meat,” he laughed, I laughed too.

Kurt looked at me with unwavering eyes. They were the deepest blue I had ever seen and hated to admit it, they were having an effect on me I didn’t know could happen. I was still a boy, I thought, glancing at my bare legs peeking from the mini-skirt I had chosen to wear this day.

“So tell me all about this wonderful creature seated across from me?” he asked.

“There’s nothing to tell. I live in Colfax and started attending this school because I didn’t want the students to know it was me, modeling for a cosmetics line.”

My goodness, did I forget to mention the real reason for changing schools had nothing to do with modeling? Shame on me.

“This whole school already knows, doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really because no one has bothered me.”

“They will. We had a boy who was an actor and was part of a cast for a TV production that left school and moved away. He said it was to be closer to Hollywood, but I think it was because the girls wouldn’t leave him alone.”

“I don’t have to worry about that, the girls aren’t going to bother me.”

“But the boys will. You’re a very pretty girl Amanda.”

“The boys won’t bother me as long as I have you protecting me,” I giggled nervously.

“Are you saying that you’ve changed your mind and will go on a date with me?”

“You know I’m only thirteen, and you’re what, sixteen. My mother would never allow that. I guess I have to be on my own,” I said dejectedly.

“Not as long as I’m around,” he said, taking my hand in his again.

I didn’t pull away; I could eat my wonder meat with one hand and a fork.

We sat and talked for the rest of the period. Kurt was a very nice young man and I could see why Tiffany had a crush on him. Much to my dismay I now had one too, and I couldn’t help thinking it was so wrong. When the period ended, Kurt walked me to my next class with the excuse I might get lost if he didn’t, holding my hand the whole way there.

“Will I see you after school?” he asked.

“My mom will be picking me up,” I replied.

“If I don’t see you then, I’ll be waiting for you in the morning just so you don’t have a problem with Makie.”

“I won’t have a problem with Makie, trust me,” I laughed.

“Wel, l I’ll be by the front doors anyway, bye Amanda.”

Kurt let go of my hand and a feeling of loneliness washed over my body. If he could do this to me in one day, I can just imagine what the rest of the school year will be like. I so had a crush on Kurt, and began to wonder if I was gay or my feminine brain had taken over my body? I knew what I felt was so very wrong on so many levels, our age difference, my inexperience with boys and well the obvious, boys don’t get crushes on other boys. Damn, why did I have to meet Kurt and why was he coming after me like a lovesick puppy?

Mom was waiting in her car when I exited school.

“Well, sweetheart how was your first day?”

“It was fun and I met a few people. I have a lab partner.”

“You’re going to have lab in science?”

“I guess we are. We didn’t at my old school.”

“And who’s your partner?”

“A girl named Ginny. She seems nice enough, but she’s very sad for some reason.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s just the way she is. She never smiles and it’s hard to put in words but she seems to be trying to hide from people. She’s very quiet and dresses like she doesn’t want to be seen.”

“Maybe she’s not feeling well. You can’t judge a person by the first time you meet them.”

“I also met a girl named Tiffany, but I don’t get a good vibe from her. I think she would want to be my friend because of Amanda Flowers and not the real me.”

“It was your first day, so I wouldn’t be too disappointed. You’ll be making more friends soon enough.”

“Mom, could I paint my nails?”

“Paint your nails? What brought that on?”

“I just think they would look better, can I?”

“I suppose it would be alright. Do you know what color?”

“Maybe pink?”

“I think that should be fine. We’ll stop at the store and buy some polish for you. I’ll show you how to care for your nails when we get home. It's about time for my girl to learn some things from her mother.”

I was surprised by Mom’s change of attitude. I knew going in she was very unhappy with me being Amanda but seem to change her thinking as my father embraced his daughter. She still voiced her disapproval until I started school, which was today. I wondered what instigated the change? Now she was going to help me do something feminine rather than complain she wanted her son back.

“Mom, are you sure you want to help me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you said you didn’t like me being Amanda.”

“Honey, I think you misunderstood me. It’s not that I disliked Amanda; it’s just that I love my son and wanted him back, but I can see that’s not a possibility right now. I see how happy you are when you’re Amanda, you shine, but I also saw the same happiness when you were Mark and spent time with your father. Now that might never happen again and I see how your father worships the ground you walk on when Amanda visits him. He seems to get a little better each time he sees his daughter. If having a daughter makes him better then I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”

“I love you, Mom.”

We stopped and found a pink polish I like and Mom showed me that night how to care for my nails. They were a blushing pink when I went to bed. Thankfully the polish was Lush brand.

It was almost nine when the phone rang.

“Hello,” Mom answered. “Yes, she’s here. Amanda, it’s for you, it’s a girl.”

Thank God it wasn’t a boy because I knew the only one that would call this late was Kurt and he didn’t have my number.

“Hello.”

“Hi Amanda, it’s Ginny.”

“Hi Ginny, what’s up?”

“I wanted to thank you for being my lab partner.”

“Why would you thank me? You asked me and I said yes.”

“Because most of the other kids wouldn’t want me as one.”

“Why not? You’re not going to not do the work are you?”

“Heavens no, I’m a straight A student, it's just that the other kids don’t like me.”

“Why would they not like you?”

“Because I’m not like Tiffany. It’s a long story and you might not like me either if I told you.”

“Ginny, I don’t even know you, so why wouldn’t I like you. What could you have done that was so bad?”

“It’s nothing Amanda, I don’t want to talk about it now. I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” goodnight.”

“Goodnight Ginny.”

“Who was that?” Mom asked.

“Ginny my lab partner. She called to thank me for being her partner.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know Mom, she wouldn’t say.”

“You’d better get ready for bed. Pick out what you’re going to wear tomorrow and remove your makeup. I’ll make us a pot of tea.”

I did as Mom asked and returned to the kitchen, my face clean and shiny, wearing a short cotton nighty. I would be changing it for a longer flannel one when the weather cooled with the approach of winter.

“Your friend sounds nice but a little shy,” Mom said.

“I think it has something to do with that Tiffany girl I mentioned. Ginny said she would tell me later. I have a bad feeling about Tiffany.”

“First impressions can be telling. Just your mother’s opinion, but I would stay away from Tiffany. Don’t worry, I will.”

It was too late to call Cindy, so I sent her a text. She’s my best friend and it wouldn’t do not to say at least a little about my first day at school.

Chapter 12

Mom dropped me off in the usual place, right in front of school. She waved as she drove off. Today I wore a girl’s T, another mini skirt and the cutest flat sandals that showed the polish Mom and I did the night before. Kurt was waiting for me by the front door. I didn’t know anyone could smile so brightly.

“Wow, you look gorgeous,” he said.

I blushed and said, “Thank you.”

“I’ll walk you to class,” he said, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers.

I looked at our hands and I was right, the polish looked so much better. I then wondered where this was going? I was a thirteen-year-old girl and to have the hottest boy in school holding my hand was something I hadn’t counted on, and what was worse I really, really liked it. It made me feel so mature and so much like the girl I wasn’t. Why I wondered did Kurt find me so attractive? He could have any other girl in the school, so why had he chosen me? At the moment though, I didn’t care, I was with him, and he was with me.

We arrived at my first class and Kurt turned to face me taking my other hand in his. I was a bundle of nerves when he did. I had no idea a person could feel this way about another and the effect it was having on me as a person. The longer he held my hands the farther away Mark seemed. Was Cindy right, I really was a girl and I had met my soul mate? Kurt just looked at me with those gorgeous eyes. I felt myself melting under his intense gaze.

“Will you meet me for lunch?” he asked.

“Yes,” I sighed.

“I’ll meet you after your fourth period class, I can hardly wait, Amanda.”

I wanted to cry when he let go of my hands and walked away. I felt like I was walking on a cloud when I went into the classroom.

Tiffany was at her desk and looked like she was sitting on an anthill, she was so twitchy.

“Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, I saw you with Kurt Granger and he was holding your hands, God, you’re so lucky. I could tell he’s in love with you, God I’m so jealous,” she babbled.

Tiffany’s irritating voice brought me back to reality.

“Tiffany, he just met me and I doubt he’s in love. We’re just friends.”

“Yeah right,” she sneered.

Ginny entered the room at the right time. I didn’t know how much more of Tiffany I could take.

“Hi Ginny,” I said, with a smile.

“Hi Amanda,” she answered, with a sadness in her voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Ginny, I want to be your friend and if I can help, I will.”

“You want to help that loser, give me a break, you should think of who you really want for your friends,” Tiffany spat.

I was taken back by Tiffany’s swift reaction to what I had said to Ginny. Ginny seemed like a nice girl and didn’t need that kind of abuse, but what could I do? I was the new kid in school and before I made a comment to Tiffany I’d have to know more about Ginny.

Ginny’s expression barely changed with Tiffany’s outburst. It was almost as though she was expecting Tiffany to say something nasty about her.

Several girls introduced themselves to me today. Kate Morales was a beautiful Latin girl who already had curves I envied and mentioned she was excited to meet a real model and seemed nice. Sherri Kramer was a blonde girl who seemed to have too much energy and couldn’t keep still long enough to state she wanted my autograph and the third girl was also blonde and her name was Mindy Raines, go figure and she was impressed meeting Amanda Flowers. I tried to explain Amanda Flowers was the model part of me, but the rest of me was Amanda James. The rest of the students seemed intimidated by the fact that I had my picture in several magazines. I was just like anyone else as far as I was concerned.

Kurt was waiting for me when I exited my fourth period class.

“I missed you,” he said, taking my hand in his.

I melted with his touch. If we didn’t stop what we were doing, I was going to be in so much trouble, but I knew I couldn’t stop the way I was feeling about Kurt.

“Me too,” I answered.

Kurt led me to lunch and we spent the hour talking and making eyes at each other, it was disgustingly romantic.

“May I have your phone number?” he asked.

“My Mom wouldn’t approve.”

“What about your cell?”

“I don’t have a cell phone, my mom says it’s not necessary.”

“How can I call you?”

“You can’t. If my mother knew I was eating lunch with you, she’d have a fit.”

“Why? I’m a nice person.”

“Kurt, I just turned thirteen and that should be reason enough.”

“But you seem so much older.”

“But I’m not.”

“Amanda, I have feelings for you and I know you’re only thirteen, but that doesn’t change the way I feel.”

Oh God, Kurt’s falling big time and now I didn’t know what to do? I’m not old enough to even think of being in a relationship with a boy, or a girl for that matter and even if I was, no one is supposed to know I’m not what I seem to be and if I was to continue with my obvious feelings about Kurt, that secret could be revealed.

“Kurt, I like you too, maybe too much and the feelings I’m having now have nothing to do with age. I wish I could be your girlfriend, you make me all gooey inside every time you touch me, but it wouldn’t be fair to you because we can’t date. The best I can do is be your friend and if something happens when I get older then I’d love to be with you, heart and soul,” I said, tears running down my cheeks.

Kurt rose from his chair and came to me, gathering me in his arms and held me tight. I never felt so protected in my life and knew what love was, my feelings for Kurt.

After that Kurt and I remained friends, but the touching and closeness had gone from our relationship. As much as I missed the contact, I felt relieved because nothing good would have come if we were to continue down the forbidden path we had chosen.

The newest issue of Teen arrived, and the pictures from my latest shoot were highlighted. Amanda Flowers was becoming a star. As expected Tiffany gushed her admiration to me, and so did the other new friends I had met during the first few weeks of school. The only person not to be impressed was Ginny, not that I minded, it was nice to know someone who only wanted to be a friend of Amanda James.

Lush call Gloria and said they wanted to extend to the end of the contract, which of course meant a considerable increase in the amount of money I was to be paid. They gladly went along with it as their sales had increased four fold. Before I was signed as their model they were around number ten in cosmetic sales, lagging behind some brand I had never heard of. As of the first of the month they had climbed to number eight and there were signs they could move to number four by the end of the year. Needless to say, they wanted to tie me up for another year and a half, no matter what the cost. My new fees were in the millions of dollars, well three million, but who’s counting? All I knew was that I would be Amanda for at least two more years and I loved the thought. With the added money, I knew my father could have the best of treatment for his injury so Mom was kind of happy too. The only thing missing in her life was her son.

Three weeks after Teen came out Gloria called for me to have another clothing shoot, only it was to take place in Los Angeles. She was able to schedule it for Monday so I would only miss one possibly two days of school at the most. I was to receive ten thousand dollars per day plus expenses. That meant I would make a minimum of ten thousand dollars. I hoped it would drag out to two days.

Sunday night Mom, Gloria, and I flew from Sacramento to Los Angeles landing a little after eight in the evening. The flight lasted all of an hour, but at least I got a window seat and watched the ground go by and tried to figure out where we were. I guess the boy was still alive and well.

Hollywood Models put us up at the Ritz-Carlton and seeing as how the fanciest motel I had ever stayed at, you know the one with a six in the name, I was awe struck. Everyone that spoke to me knew my name and called me Miss Flowers, WOW. I could learn to like being a highly paid model. I won’t bore you with the accommodations nor the service we received, but I’m definitely coming back.

The photo shoot went off with out a hitch. I modeled more tween fashions and finished around four in the afternoon. A representative from the clothing company was all smiles when I finished.

“I’m Daisy Mae Stewart,” she drawled, “and I can’t begin to tell you how pleased we are with you, Amanda. Our product line was limping along until we featured you from your first shoot with us. Our sales increased to the point that we’re going to continue the line. Now, we have something else we’d like to try. One of our factories made a mistake and shipped our newest line of juniors clothing in a petite size rather that a size that will fit one of our taller models and we would like you to fill in for us. There won’t be enough time to remanufacture the line in the proper size and still make the publishing deadline, and of course you’ll be paid your usual fees. The shoot will take an additional two days and your agent has agreed to the shoot as long as your mother agrees?”

Mom listened closely as Daisy Mae had rambled on, barely taking a breath as she talked.

“Amanda, you’ll miss three days of school. Do you think you’ll be able to make up the work?”

“No problem Mom,” I said, as dollar signs danced in my head.

“I guess it should be okay.”

“Good, be back here at eight in the morning for makeup and then we’ll get started.”

We were back at a quarter to eight the next day.

“I’m glad to see you’re not a prima-donna,” Daisy Mae stated as she guided me to makeup. “So many of the young models think their shi…opps, stuff doesn’t stink that nothing gets done until noon.”

Showing me into the make up room, she introduced me to Rita, the cosmetology expert.

“Rita, this is Amanda Flowers, our newest and greatest find. We need her in two hours, can you get it done?”

“Daisy Mae, if you drop that phony accent, I’ll have her finished in an hour,” Rita laughed.

“Done.” Daisy said, and left the room.

“God that girl will be the death of me, and don’t for a second think she’s from the south. The girl moved here from Detroit after getting a law degree from Michigan and thought she would come across softer with the accent. Her name’s really Janice Malloy and she can be a hard bitch when she wants, but enough about her, tell me about yourself sweetheart?” Rita asked, patting on a chair indicating for me to sit down.

“There’s nothing to tell. I live in Colfax and I just started modeling and only by mistake. My best friend’s mother saw my lashes and the rest is history, so here I am.”

Rita took my chin in her hands and turned my head back and forth and then let go.

“Do you know how pretty you are?” she asked in admiration.

“No.”

“Well never find out or it will ruin you. I see beauty every day and girl, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever worked on, just don’t let it go to your head. Listen to your Aunt Rita, study hard in school and don’t fall in love with some boy that will make your life miserable, and most of all cross your legs if some boy gets too frisky.”

I couldn’t help myself from laughing, I liked Rita.

“What are your plans after your modeling career ends?” Rita asked, as she worked on my face.

“You mean when I can’t like model anymore?”

“Yes sweetheart, age lines aren’t particular, so do you have any plans?”

“If I tell you, do you promise not to laugh?”

“Honey, I’d never laugh at you.”

“I want to go to Stanford and be a doctor.”

Rita stopped working on my face and I could see the surprise on her face. I don’t know what any of the other girls had said to her question, but I don’t think she was expecting what I gad said.

“Are you serious? Oh Amanda, you’re such a dream, beautiful with a brain in your head. When you graduate, will you send me an invitation? I would be so honored to say I worked on your face and watched you become a real woman and not some phony woman who has lost her beauty. Amanda Flowers, It’s my pleasure to have met you young woman.”

Rita worked for the full hour, but when she was finished Amanda Flowers looked like she was seventeen years old. I thought I was pretty before, but this was so over the top even I had a hard time believing the image in the mirror was me.

“Honey, you go and knock them dead.”

“Thank you Rita, may I hug you?”

“You’d better or your Aunt Rita won’t love you anymore,” she laughed, as she gathered me into her arms.

The photo shoot went without a hitch, but I modeled twice as much clothing as the first day, but I like the styles better and I wore high heels for all the pictures. The clothes were more for my age group. The best thing was that they let me have my choice of five outfits to take home. My girlfriends are going to be so jealous.

We returned home Wednesday evening so I could go to school Thursday morning. The photographer promised to send us the photos for my portfolio. No only was the trip paid for, but I made thirty thousand dollars less the agent fees. My life as Amanda Flowers was looking up.

Returning to school after missing three days wasn’t any big thing. Tiffany and her friends were just as star struck as the day I left, but the thing that did bother me was Ginny’s attitude when I entered our first period class. She practically shunned me.

“Ginny, what’s wrong?”

“I had to decide what to do for our lab experiment, you should have been here to help me decide.”

“I’m sorry, but I had to fly to Los Angeles for a photo shoot and beside you would know much better than me what we should do.”

“I don’t know Amanda and I really needed your help. I felt like you were being like the rest of the kids in this class and couldn't care less about what I do.”

“Ginny, I don’t feel that way at all, and you’re not being fair. I had to work and I’m sorry I was away when you had to pick our assignment, but that’s the way it is,” I said, as I felt my anger rising from my stomach. Ginny wasn’t being fair. It’s not like I left just to spite her and beside I had the permission of the school as long as made up my classes.

“Can’t you schedule your stuff for when you’re not in school? I need you here Amanda.”

This was a different Ginny then the one I had seen since school started. She was demanding and just plain self-centered. I don’t know if I like this person very much?

“Ginny, I have nothing to do with when they schedule shoots. I’m just the model they use and I do what they ask. I can’t just quit because my father is in the hospital and the money I make is used to pay for his hospital bills. If I’m such a burden maybe you should find someone else.”

“Wait,” she said, as I turned to walk away, her hand grabbing my arm. “I’m sorry Amanda, it’s just I thought you would be like everyone else.”

“Ginny, you keep saying that, and I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not everyone else; I’m new here and have no idea of what you’re talking about. I think you should at least tell me why everyone treats you the way they do?”

“Will you eat lunch with me, I’ll tell you then.”

“If you promise to tell me, we’ll talk later.”

I found Ginny sitting at her usual spot, a table in the rear corner of the cafeteria away from other students. I wondered if she was being shunned, or if it was her wish to be alone?

“Hi,” I said as I approached the table.

“Hi,” she replied.

Her demeanor seemed to have changed from this morning, in fact, she seemed downright meek.

“So, I’m here, now it’s your turn to tell me what’ made you so pissed off at me this morning.”

“Well, I was angry at you, but I didn’t know about your modeling assignment and then when I had to pick a project for us, I wanted us to pick it, not just me. I thought you were going to treat me just like everyone else in this school.”

“Treat you like what?”

“Like I’m some kind of freak or something. Why do you think I dress like this? So I won’t be noticed.”

“There must be a reason for you thinking this way?”

“There is, and it started when I came to this school six years ago.”

“What happened?”

“Tiffany happened that’s what. Tiffany has gone to this school ever since preschool. I started here in second grade when my father was transferred from the East coast to become vice president and plant manager for the same company Tiffany’s father works for. He thought he would get the promotion but it went to my father instead. Tiffany’s father is the sales manager and makes a ton of money from his commissions but that didn’t matter to him, he wanted the vice president title after his name. Well, he bitched and moaned about not getting the promotion and he cursed my father and his family from the day he found out about my father getting the job. Tiffany in turn took her father’s frustration out on me. Tiffany’s a bully, but I guess you’ve seen that. She pretty much runs the eighth grade in this school and her friends suck up to her and do whatever she asks, which is to make my life miserable. You have no idea of what it’s like to have someone not do what they said they would do and I would end up doing all the work and they would get half the credit. Amanda, I carry straight A’s and I can’t afford for partners to not do what is their fair share of the work, and you not being here to help made me think Tiffany had gotten to you too. I’m sorry if I overreacted.”

Wow, that was the most words I had from Ginny since I started school here. She’s always been quiet as a mouse and didn’t think she had it in her.

“I’m sorry too. I should have told you I would be away, but I had no choice in the matter. It’s my job and I don’t go away very often, but when they schedule a shoot I have to be there. Now, can we be friends?”

“Only if you want to incur Tiffany’s wrath,” she giggled.

“I could care less about Tiffany, and it’s nice to see you smile.”

Ginny has a wonderful smile if she would only allow herself that luxury every once in a while.

“Thank you, now tell me about your trip before I bore you with the details of our project.”

“We flew to Los Angeles Sunday because I had a shot for some tweens clothing line on Monday. I was finished by Monday night and my mom and I thought we would fly back here that night. There was a mistake with a new line of clothes and they shipped petites instead of a size to fit their regular models and they asked me if I could model the line for them. Of course, we said yes because it was a lot of money for me and to be honest I was excited to wear the line. It was for juniors so they made me look older and I wore heels and everything. I felt like I was twenty years old, it was so much fun.”

“You’re a lucky girl Amanda. I wish I had your confidence.”

“You could if you’d like. I could help you.”

“And how do you propose to do that?”

“By being your friend.”

Ginny and I were good after that. We spent the period working on the research for our lab experiment.

The next day the same old Ginny was back, sullen and dull. I felt I had to do something to help her fit in better.

“Ginny,” I said, as we walked from first to second period, “Have you ever thought about maybe wearing something other than what you always wear?”

What Ginny wore was like a cross between boy’s clothes and the darkest nightmare you could think of. To be honest, if I didn’t know the sweet girl under those clothes, she would creep me out.

“I wear them so I won’t be noticed.”

“But people notice you more and see how unhappy you are.”

“I like what I wear.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“I think you’re doing this just so Tiffany will leave you alone. If you wore nicer clothes and maybe changed your hairstyle you’d look nice for a change, that and smile.”

“Am I that bad?”

“Ginny, please, you look like you’re going to a funeral.”

“I’ve dressed like this ever since second grade. I don’t know what I can do to change?”

“Ask your mother to take you shopping and to have your hair done, believe me, it will make all the difference in the world.”

“But I’m afraid that I’ll draw attention to myself.”

“You already do. Don’t you wonder why people stare at you and turn away when you look at them?”

“Yes.”

“It’s because of the way you dress. If we hadn’t become lab partners, I would probably be like everyone else and ignore you. Instead of a serial killer under those clothes, I found a very nice friend, only she doesn’t know how to dress,” I laughed.

After our conversation Ginny changed her look. It took time but by the end of a month a very pretty girl had replaced the dirge that had crept around the halls at school.

Teen came out with their, must dress like this, issue and I was now spotlighted as an up-and-coming clothing model. I was prominently displayed in several clothing ads and was surprised at how much older I looked. That with the usual Lush makeup ads, grew my popularity. I was becoming very much in demand. I didn’t realize how much until I received a box from Lush Cosmetics addressed to me. Opening it, I found it filled to the top with letters, yahoo, I finally had a fan base. My Yahoo changed to boohoo when Mom said I had to answer all the letters. Thank God Cindy was there to help or I’d still be answering letters.

Ginny and I had become friends as the year progressed, much to the chagrin of Tiffany. Tiffany was a bully, not like Makie, but in her own way. She had created a caste system in school and as far as she was concerned Ginny was untouchable and because of my popularity as a model she wanted me for a best friend. I new what she was doing and I pretty much blew her off, which didn’t endear me to her.

“I don’t know why you hang with that loser?” she asked one day.

“I like Ginny.”

“Why, she’s such a loser. You could be doing so much better,” She said, with the phoniest smile I had ever seen.

“Listen, Tiffany, to be perfectly honest, I’d rather be her friend than yours. She’s real and you're just a phony bitch trying to make people's lives miserable.”

That’s when Tiffany’s face turned beet red, or maybe purple and I have to say it looked nice with her blonde hair.

“You bitch. No one talks to me like that, you wait, I can make your life miserable too, just ask Ginny.”

“I did and you know what, we’ll be miserable together,” I said, turned on my heel and walked away.

Like I really wanted to hang with Tiffany. Her grades sucked and the only reason she was still in school was that her father donated large sums of money to the school each year with the understanding that they would overlook her bad behavior. I still want to attend Stanford and the only way was to get good grades because even money won’t buy your way into Stanford.

As the year continued I became more at ease being Amanda. Things I used to think about became second nature and I had truly become Amanda James. Ginny had gained some new friends and Tiffany was her usual bitch self, but who said the world was perfect?

I had four more shoots between Halloween and Christmas. Dad was still in the assisted living home so he could have therapy every day. The hardest part was the home was in Palo Alto and that made the trip a half of an hour longer each time we visited. Mom was still visiting Dad on Wednesdays when I saw my shrink and we went together on the weekends. When my sessions with Dr. Adams were finished I spent time shopping in Union Square while Mom was with Dad. I loved all the clothes I saw but didn’t dare buy anything without Mom’s approval, but it made the two hours I had to wait fly by.

Christmas was sad and we celebrated it at the home with Dad. He was the happiest I had seen him when I entered the room. I had truly become his little girl.

My popularity grew from Christmas until summer. There didn’t seem to be enough days in the week for my career, let alone school. My agency hired a tutor so my grades wouldn’t suffer at school. I was maintaining a straight A average and I didn’t want it to drop. Ginny wasn’t happy that I was spending so much time away from school, but it couldn’t be helped. Tiffany hadn’t changed and decided to try to ruin my life. When school started again in the Fall I found out how she would try to do it.

School started and I was now officially in high school, even though this school went from Kindergarten to grade twelve. The difference was that high school was held in a different building than the lower grades, to make the distinction between grades.

My circle of friends had grown during the year and Ginny was my favorite, at school. Cindy was still my best girlfriend and we talked every night. Kurt Granger still had a crush on me, which infuriated Tiffany to no end. The first week of school ended with no problems. I guess I’m one of the natives now.

“Have you heard? Sherri told me you’re having an affair with Kurt Granger,” Ginny stated, before our Algebra class started, the second week of school.

“What!”

“She said you went all the way.”

My face was turning every color of red under the sun. How could anyone start something like that? I hadn’t even dated Kurt and for the obvious reason I hadn’t ‘gone all the way’.

“Who told her that?” I asked, my voice almost screaming.

“I don’t know, Sherri knows we’re friends and wanted to know if it was true?”

“God no, I haven’t even dated Kurt. I’m going to get to the bottom of this, but I think I know who would start such a rumor.”

The rumor had Tiffany’s prints all over it, but I was going to ask Kurt if he was behind what was being said. I knew boys sometimes exaggerated their conquests and if he had started the rumor he was dead meat.

I approached Kurt at lunch. He was sitting with some friends near the front of the school, doing what guys usually did, watch girls. As I approached all eyes were on me, and they weren’t eyes of fear, they were just the opposite. Boys never seemed to amaze me when a pretty girl walks in their direction, what they were thinking was so obvious.

I approached Kurt, smiled and said, “I’d like a word.”

Kurt’s smile faded. It wasn’t very often Amanda Flowers approached a boy, smiled and then says, ‘I want a word’. The force of those words would take the wind out of any guy’s sails, smile or not.

“What’s wrong?”

“Not here,” I said, taking his hand in mine and pulled him to where we could have some privacy.

“Woo, way to go Kurt,” one guy teased.

I just turned and glared at him.

I pulled Kurt far enough away that our conversation would be private. I realized I had missed the feeling of Kurt’s hand in mine and didn’t let go when we stopped walking. In fact, I took his other hand in mine before I spoke. His hands were making my stomach do things I didn’t want it to do but I didn’t let go. I think I was getting a crush on Kurt, again. I knew he had one on me, but because of my age nothing had become of it, but that hadn’t kept him from flirting mercilessly during my first year in school.

“What’s wrong Amanda?” he asked, with a very concerned tone of voice.

I looked into his eyes and so help me God, I wanted kiss him, me, Amanda James, had a crush.

“Have you heard the rumors?”

“What rumors?”

“God Kurt, the one where we went to bed?” I said, as tears filled my eyes.

“Shit, who would say such a thing?”

“I thought maybe you might have, you know said something to your friends or something,” I said, lowering my head as a tear dropped onto his hand.

The tear was perfect, it diffused what I had accused him of and he now wanted to make things right with me.

“Amanda, you know I would never say anything like that, especially about you. You know I really like you a lot and I’m going to find out who started this rumor and so help me God, I’ll kick their ass.”

“Please don’t get into a fight because of me,” I whimpered.

“We’ll see.”

Kurt’s face blushed as we continued to hold hands, and I have to admit mine did too. I liked having this boy show me attention even though I knew I shouldn’t let him.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Since you’re fourteen now, do you think your mother would let me take you to the Homecoming dance?”

Well. I certainly didn’t expect that as I felt like I was turning into putty. I thought I was blushing before, but this really put me over the edge.

“I don’t know. I’ll ask my mother, but I might have a photo shoot and I can’t miss those. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” I said, as I let go of his right hand and turned to allow him to walk me back to his friends.

As we approached his friends, I could see the look of admiration in their eyes. Kurt had scored with Amanda Flowers and our intertwined fingers confirmed that thought.

Kurt let go of my hand and said, “I’ll call you later.” Then he did something I didn’t expect, he raised his hand and grazed my cheek with the back of his hand. I can’t even begin to tell you what that did to my naive little brain, God; I was so crushing on Kurt.

The rest of the afternoon all I could think of was Kurt. Thankfully my last subjects were ones I found easy to the point of boredom or I would have seen Stanford going down the drain. I could hardly wait to tell Cindy about my new love.

Chapter 13

Toward the end of my eighth grade year, Mom found another student that lived near us. Her home was about five miles out of Colfax toward Grass Valley. We now had the opportunity to carpool. Melisa was a junior and I was able to ride with her to school. Mom drove us Monday and Friday, and Melisa drove, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Melisa was aware of my Dad’s injuries and my need to miss school with my modeling career and she didn’t have a problem with any of it.

“I heard you’re seeing Kurt Granger?” Melisa stated.

My face flushed.

“I’m not seeing him. We’re just friends.”

Melisa smirked and said, “That’s not what I hear. My friend Connie told me you were holding hands at lunch and I’m sure you’ve heard what everyone else is saying about you?”

“What?”

“God Amanda, everyone knows you’re sleeping with him.”

“I am not. I barely know Kurt and I don’t know where that rumor came from, but it’s not true.”

“Then where did the rumor come from?”

“I don’t know, but that’s why I was talking to Kurt. I wanted to know if he had anything to do with it.”

“What did he say?”

“He said no, that he would never say anything like that about me.”

“He likes you, you know?”

My face turned red again before I answered.

“Why would he like me, I’m only fourteen.”

“Probably because of the obvious, you’re the prettiest girl in school, and one of the nicest.”

“Then why is someone starting rumors about me?”

“Jealousy, girlfriend, someone hates you and will do anything to hurt you.”

“But why, I don’t even know who it could be?”

“Kurt will find out, trust me, he takes care of people he likes.”

I had a pretty good idea of who started the rumor, it’s not like it took rocket science to figure it out. Tiffany had warned me she would make my life miserable and obviously this was her attempt at it.

“What are you thinking about?” Melisa asked.

“I think I know who started this thing.”

“Who?”

“Tiffany. She doesn’t like me because I don’t bow down when ever she comes around.”

“Tiffany, I’m trying to remember who she is?”

“She’s that blonde girl with the big boobs and wears the tightest clothes she can,” I laughed.

“Oh yeah, now I know who she is. It’s no wonder she started rumors, I know for a fact that she went to bed with Jeremy Collins last year and did it with Kyle Morrison during summer vacation. She’s a slut and everyone knows.”

“Well I’m not, in fact I’ve never even kissed a boy and it makes me so angry that she would say something like that.”

“Did you tell Kurt that you think its Tiffany?”

“No, I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

We rode in silence for the rest of the ride and my thoughts turned to Kurt and the massive crush I now had on him. As hard as I tried I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I would turn fuzzy at every thought. My thoughts were making me feel uneasy. I’ve been living as a girl now, for fourteen months and I love my life as it is. I love being a girl, but, yeah there’s the ‘but’, I know I’m really not a real girl. Society sees me as a girl, a very popular one and even I get caught up in that popularity, which I’m sure makes being a girl much easier for me. I’ve fallen in love with the clothing and makeup. I like doing my hair, or having it done by professionals. I love the everyday tasks needed to stay pretty and I love shopping. I guess you could say I’m a girly girl. All of that I can understand, but what I can’t understand is why I have such a crush on Kurt? I don’t have hormones racing through my system so I can’t blame them, so why? Has my brain rewired itself to think female rather than male? Cindy said I was a girl and didn’t know it, was she right? Is that why I have these feelings for another boy, or am I gay?

Melisa dropped me off and I went into the house. Mom was visiting Dad and wouldn’t be home so I would walk to Cindy’s before dinner. I still had a lot on my mind. If I had a choice, would I become Mark again? Putting the money aside and Dad didn’t need the therapy that was costing so much money, would I really want to remain a girl? Being a girl has been easy for me, in fact easier than I thought it would be, but I missed the rough and tumble of being a boy. I know I could be a Tomboy but as Dad had pointed out just one injury could derail my career. Had I missed being Mark, you bet I did, but was it because I was able to be Mark or Amanda whenever I wanted before starting my new school? Which person was more important to me, Mark or Amanda? I hadn’t been Mark for fourteen months and was this just a case of missing something different? Being honest with myself, I love being Amanda. As a girl my friendships were much different. As a girl I could hug or say just about anything to my girlfriends, and I could do the same with boys. If I was Mark, I would be slapped if I was to hug most any girl with the exception of Cindy and I sure couldn’t say anything I wanted to a girl, but was it so important that I should give up my manhood?

As a boy, I felt different about things. I felt uninhibited with regard to playing games, the rougher the better, or being a slob, not that I ever was. Maybe Cindy was right about the girl thing. I would just jump in and do things, the Hell with the consequences. I loved the time spent with my father, doing guy things. Maybe that’s what I miss most of all. I wonder if Dad and I, the Amanda I, would have spent such quality time together? My father is a very special man, and I think we would have. I think the only difference would have bee instead of being his little man, I would have been his princess.

I had to ask myself, did I really want to become Mark again, the boy Mark, or did I want to remain Amanda and have Mark be a part of my life? I certainly couldn’t be Mark and be Amanda inside, could I, or did I even want that? If I had to make a choice today, Amanda would win, hands down, but I still had that little thought in the back of my mind, did Mark have a crush on Kurt or had I changed where people couldn’t see, inside my head. Had I truly become Amanda and not known until now?

It was just about dinnertime, and I headed to Cindy’s. We had a lot to talk about.

Even though Cindy and I go to different schools we both carry 4.00 grade point averages, so our conversation always waited until we finished our homework.

“How was your day with all the rich kids?” she laughed.

“It was terrible.”

“Why?”

“Someone is spreading a rumor about me.”

“You’re kidding, what kind of rumor?”

“They’re saying I slept with one of the boys that likes me.”

“What!”

“I know. Like that’s going to happen.”

“What boy?”

I couldn’t help myself as the blush covered my face.

“Kurt Granger.”

“Who’s Kurt Granger?”

“Only the cutest boy in school, and the nicest.”

“Oh my God, girl, you like him don’t you?”

“Cindy, what am I going to do? He’s like seventeen and I just turned fourteen and God, Mom will kill me if she finds out I like a boy.”

“She wouldn’t kill you, don’t be so dramatic Amanda.”

“Cindy, it’s not the age difference I’m talking about. It’s the Mark thing. Even I get creeped out thinking about it. Does this make me gay?”

“Amanda, you’re a girl and girls like boys and like I said before, you’ve never been a boy.”

“Tell that to my doctor,” I laughed.

“Tell me more about him?”

“He’s tall and plays football and is so cute I could just die every time I see him. I know he likes me, even Melisa said so and when we were holding hands today, I thought I’d just die.”

“You were holding hands?”

“Yes. I wanted to talk to him privately about the rumor and pulled him aside. Well we ended up holding each other’s hands and when I looked in his eyes all I could think about was kissing him. When we walked back toward his friends he didn’t let go of my hand, in fact he intertwined our fingers. He asked me if I would go to the Homecoming dance with him.”

“Oh Amanda, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to ask Mom if I can and hope she doesn’t kill me.”

“Your mom likes my mom, I’ll see if my mom will talk to her before you ask and maybe she will let you go.”

“I hope so,” I said, dreamily.

School was pretty much the same the next day, except the rumor had now spread throughout the whole school. I found Kurt at lunch and asked him to talk to me in private, and yes we held hands again.

“Did you find anything out?” I asked.

“Some things, and I think I’ll know who started this whole thing by the time school is finished. What about you, have you heard anything?

“Not much, but I think I know who started it.”

“Who?”

“Tiffany Kramer.”

“You mean the skank?”

“I know she hates me and warned me if I didn’t do what she said, she’d make my life miserable.”

“Well if it is her, I’ll take care of it. What did you do to her to make her so mad?”

“I became friends with, Ginny.”

“Who’s Ginny?”

“A girl Tiffany started bullying in the second grade. Because of that Ginny had no friends and she ended up being my lab partner last year. I thought she was kind of weird, but as I got to know her I found she was really nice. We became friends and Tiffany told me to keep away from Ginny and I told her to eff-off. Before that Tiffany want to be my friend in the worse way, because of what I do, but I could see right through her and when I chose Ginny over her, well, you can see what the results are.”

“I’ll double check with my friends, and if it is Tiffany, she’ll wish she never met you,” he said, squeezing my hand.

“Come on, we’d better get back, oh, did you ask your mother if you could go with me to the dance?”

“She’s down with my Dad and won’t be home until Thursday night. I’ll ask her then.”

“I hope she’ll let you go,” he said, as he slowed our walk back to his friends wanting to hold my hand just a little longer. Oh be still fluttering heart.

I don’t know if it was my feelings for Kurt, or watching Cindy and other girls my age become women, but I felt there was something missing, a figure. I had grown to five foot four since last year and I was still growing. I ate like a girl and was thin as a rail, which was good for my modeling career as a preteen model, but if I were going to continue with this career, I would have to get some curves. I know I could model lots of fashions that didn’t show many curves, but if I wanted to continue I would have to have the barest amount of a female figure, and to be honest I was jealous of girls that had a butt and at least a little up top. My fillets had gotten me this far, but I wanted more. Maybe that was why I was so dissatisfied with myself that I thought of being Mark again.

My routine each morning never varied. Curse the alarm, drag myself from bed and take a shower before Cindy beat me to it. I had to leave forty-five minutes before my best friend, so I obviously had to shower first. After my shower I would dry myself and stand in front of my door mirror and just look at myself. My eyes were always drawn to my penis. Because of the blockers it hadn’t grown any larger than the tiny thing it was when I was a little boy. My thoughts were always the same, was I disappointed because what little was there spoiled the look of the girl I portrayed, or was I disappointed because it hadn’t grown in size toward manhood? Perhaps I’m more critical of my looks than most other girls because of my job. I’ve been modeling for over a year and Amanda Flowers popularity has increased ten fold, all young girls wanted to be Amanda Flowers and just had to have anything Amanda touched, or recommended. Lush Cosmetics had risen to number three in sales and had already started negotiations with Mrs. Meyer to renew my contract.

The more I looked at myself the less I liked what I saw. My chest was flat, my waist barely went in and my hips were just as disappointing. My legs were just as much of a disappointment, my thighs were skinny and the transition from thigh to calf was boney. I was basically a girl with a boy’s body and I hated it, but did I hate the girl part, or the boy part? I could ask Mom to stop the blockers and start my male puberty, get some muscles, hair on my face and a penis I wouldn’t be ashamed of. I fingered my hair and realized that would have to go too, as would the beautiful complexion on my face, pimples, eww.

If I was to start puberty as a girl the hair will remain as well as the complexion, but even more important my boney body would become softer looking. Was that what I really wanted? I couldn’t help looking at my face and even without makeup, I was really beautiful and did I want to destroy my face if I chose to become a man? I couldn’t imagine what being a man with this face would do to me. I loved being pretty and I loved being a girl and maybe, just maybe Mom will let me do some rough things as a girl. I can’t imagine living as sheltered as I have for the rest of my life. If she lets me, I’m going to ask her if I can become a woman, because Cindy was right, I really am a girl inside.

Melisa and I arrived at school five minutes early. Kurt was waiting for me by the entrance.

“Hi Amanda, I’ve got news.”

“You found out who’s doing this to us?”

Kurt took my hand in his before he answered. It felt warm and I liked what it did to me.

“You were right, it was Tiffany. I confronted the bitch when she came to school this morning and at first she denied having anything to do with the rumor. I called her a liar and she broke down in tears and admitted she was the source. I told her if she didn’t make it right, I’d get our parents involved and I thought she would faint.”

“Why?”

“My dad is her father’s biggest customer and if he was to lose my fathers business she could pretty much forget about going to school here. Come on, let me walk you to class.”

“I have to go to my locker first.”

“Good, that way I can spend more time with you.”

I blushed. After that my day was bright again. No more problems from Tiffany and no more rumors, yahoo.

Mom came home tonight and I had things I want to talk to her about.

“How’s Dad?”

“He improved a lot since last week. He’s starting to walk again, with a walker of course, but it’s a start. If he keeps improving like he has, the doctor says he might be able to come home by Christmas.”

“Christmas, God, Mom, that’s so far away.”

“Honey, it’s only three months. He’s been gone for over a year. Don’t worry; those three months will pass faster than you think. How’s your school going?”

“Okay, I guess,” I said, with a slightly whiney tone of voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on Amanda, I know better than that. What’s bothering my little girl?”

“Mom, a girl at school spread rumors about me. It was so humiliating.”

“What kind of rumors, I hope it wasn’t about Mark.”

God Mom thought someone had told that I was a boy. No one even knows that I’m not a girl.

“No, Mom, it’s not that. She said I was sleeping with a boy who goes to our school.”

Mom couldn’t help sniggering, that would be a nice trick.

“Honey, that happens all the time. Every time a girl doesn’t like another one, that’s the first thing she’ll do to ruin the girl’s reputation. I hope you confronted her.”

“No, Kurt did.”

“Who’s Kurt?”

“The boy I was supposed to have slept with. He told Tiffany if she didn’t make things right, he’d tell her parents and his father would take his business away from Tiffany’s dad.”

“Why would Tiffany start a rumor like that?”

“Because I’m friends with Ginny, you know her, the girl who was my lab partner last year.”

“Why would she even care if Ginny’s your friend?”

“Because she’s a bully and has picked on Ginny since second grade. When I started school Tiffany wanted me to be her new best friend but I became friends with Ginny instead. She told me she’d get back at me so this is why she started the rumor.”

“Why did she say it about this Kurt boy?”

“Because he kind of likes me.”

“Everyone likes you Amanda.”

“Not like that, he has a crush on me.”

Mom visibly paled when I said that.

“And what about you, do you have feelings for him too?”

I hung my head. Mom knew I couldn’t lie to her and my actions just cemented what she already knew.

“Yes,” I said, softly.

“Amanda, what are you thinking? You know this is just for your career, not to like boys. How long has this boy had a crush on you?”

“Since my first day of school.”

“And you didn’t tell me about it?” Mom asked, as her voice increased in volume.

“Mom, I told him I was just thirteen and you wouldn’t approve of him calling me.”

“You’re certainly right about that, for two reasons, you’re too young and you’re a boy.”

“Mom, I’m not a boy.”

“Mark, you are one, as much as you think you’re not.”

“That’s just it Mom, I’m not a boy, I’m a girl and I want to remain one for the rest of my life. I want to start puberty as a girl.”

There I said it. The words I had so feared to say. My real feelings came out when I spoke before I thought of what I would say. Mom just looked at me. She didn’t look angry, but she had the same look on her face she had when she was told of my father’s accident, the look of panic at losing the love of your life. Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn’t sob, she just starred at me. I never felt so low in my life. I had just broken my mother’s heart.

Mom starred for what seemed like hours, until my eyes filled too, my tears ran from my eyes dropping into the floor.

Finally Mom said, ”Come here,” and opened her arms to hold me.

I rushed to her embrace and she closed her arms around me. I never felt more loved or protected.

“What have I done to deserve a wonderful daughter like you?”

Mom held me until my tears stopped. She had always comforted me when I was younger, but as I grew older Dad kind of fell into that mode. If I was hurt, he’d put an arm around me and comfort me, but this was different with Mom. It was as though she had finally buried her son and was starting to see the girl I had become.

“Mom, I’m not all that wonderful.”

“How can you say that? I can’t think of another girl who would have done what you did to help your father. Honey, I know how much you wanted to remain a boy after you started school, but learned to like who you were becoming. I’m your mother and could see you embraced being Amanda, but I could also see you wanted to be Mark, too. I can’t imagine the tension you must have felt when you couldn’t be Mark when you wanted. I know you missed playing with your friends, your boy friends. You used to come home so dirty but had the biggest smile on your face that I couldn’t get angry with you for doing boy things. Your father was so proud of you, especially when you stood up to those bullies and when he couldn’t remember you, God I thought I would die.”

“But he did remember me, the Amanda me.”

“Yes he did and you should hear him brag about his daughter, the model, at the hospital. He loves you very much, Amanda.”

“And I love him too, Mom. He makes me feel very special.”

“You said something a minute ago that I’m not sure I liked very much.”

“What was that, Mom?”

“That you wanted to remain a girl for the rest of your life, that you wanted to become a woman.”

“Yes, Mom, all the other girls in my class have started to get curves and I’m not. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and hate what I see, a boy with a pretty face. I want my body to match that face, please Mom?”

“Oh Honey, that’s such a huge step to take, and what if you change your mind after you start to become a woman?”

“Mom, I won’t. I keep thinking of what would happen to me if I became a man, and it scares me. I love my face the way it is now, and if I become a man that will all change. And I don’t want it to.”

“Honey being a man has nothing to do with your face, its what’s inside.”

“I know that, Mom, and I know I’m a girl inside. I don’t want to be a boy anymore.”

“I don’t know sweetheart, I’m going to have to think about what you’re asking.”

“Okay Mom, but please don’t take too long, I really want to have a girl’s puberty.”

We ate after that and I went to bed. I realized that I hadn’t even mentioned that Kurt had asked me to the Homecoming dance, but decided one decision on my mom’s part was enough for one evening and beside, Cindy’s mom was supposed to soften up my mom for me before I popped the question.

Mrs. Meyer talked to Mom the next day, mostly about the renewal of my contract with Lush. She informed Mom that my fees to the were going to triple, and my hourly rates for clothes modeling was going to go from ten thousand a day to five thousand an hour. Mom was beside herself. Then the subject of dating came up.

“Rachel, there’s something else we have to discuss and I don’t know if you’ll like what I’m going to say. It concerns Amanda and boys.”

“Amanda hasn’t had any problems with boys,” Mom said.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I know she hasn’t gone on a date yet, but she will be asked. Rumor has it that one of Hollywood’s new heart throbs wants to ask her to one of the awards presentations in November, and it would do her career nothing but good if she went.”

“Gloria, Amanda’s fourteen and there is the obvious problem with her real sex.”

“Listen, the date will be chaperoned and the two will never be alone. Basically those functions are nothing more than photo shoots. Amanda's part will be eye candy for the boy she’s seen with.”

“Are you sure nothing will happen to her?”

“Trust me, if anything did, I’d be the first one there to kill whom ever touched her.”

“I guess I’ll allow it, but just this once. I don’t want her dating on a steady basis.”

“Thank you, I’ll let Hollywood know they can arrange the date.”

“Gloria, something else has come up with her that’s a bit more serious. She wants to begin her puberty as a girl.”

Gloria could barely contain her excitement at the thought that Amanda Flowers was here to stay. Her biggest fear was that Amanda would someday decide that she would want Mark back in her life. If that was the case then her modeling career would be over and this news was like she had just won the lottery. Amanda was her meal ticket and if her husband wanted to divorce her, then it would be bye, bye baby. Amanda would be making millions, and Gloria got ten percent of whatever she made. Amanda was going to remain a girl and best of all she couldn’t get pregnant. It couldn’t get any better than that.

“I’ll call her doctor in San Francisco and see what can be done. Amanda’s under age and I’m sure it will take a little persuasion to let her start taking hormones, but I’m sure her therapist will think it’s the best for her.”

“I hope it is. I thought a lot about it last night, and she’s so sure this is what she wants to do. I hope I’m not wrong if I let her.”

Mom picked Melisa and me up after school. I rode shotgun and Melisa rode behind me.

“Amanda, are you going to the Homecoming dance. I heard Kurt asked you. We could double,” Melisa, asked.

I couldn’t help the slight twitch from Mom as she drove from the front of the school.

“I haven’t had a chance to ask my mom yet, Mom, can I go?”

Knowing my mother, I expected her to give me a dirty look and say no and that would be the end of it.

She surprised me when she asked Melisa, “Is this Kurt a nice boy?”

“Yes Mrs. James. He’s probably the nicest in school. He plays football and has the highest grade point average in the senior class.”

Mom was silent for a few minutes. I could tell she was uncomfortable about the thought of her daughter going on a date with a boy.

“Amanda, how do you feel about this dance thing? Do you want to go?”

“Yes, Mom.”

She was silent again and when she spoke, said, “If I let you go, I’ll want to meet this boy, and Melisa, you’ll be responsible to see nothing bad happens to Amanda.”

“I can go?” I asked, excitedly.

“Yes, you can go, I just hope this isn’t a mistake.”

Melisa gave me the thumbs up.

We arrived home after dropping off Melisa.

“Amanda, I want to talk to you. We have some things to discuss.”

“Let me put my things away, I’ll be right back.”

My thoughts ran to the, Mom’s going to give me the lecture about using my friends to get what I wanted and she wasn’t pleased.

“Yes Mom,” I said, as I entered the kitchen.

“Please sit down, I have some things to talk to you about.”

I sat at the kitchen table and waited for the lecture.

“Honey, I thought a lot about what you said last night about wanting to remain Amanda after you’ve finished your modeling career and I’m going to allow you to do it, become a girl.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather; my Mom was going to let me become a woman.

“Mom, really?”

“Yes honey, really. Gloria is going to contact your doctor and see what can be done to help you.”

I jumped form my chair and ran around the table gathering my mother in my arms and said, “Thank you, Mom.”

When we broke the hug and I returned to my seat.

“Do you think Dad will let me do this?”

“Honey, Dad already thinks you’re a girl.”

“But what happens if he remembers Mark?”

“We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it, but I wouldn’t worry too much because I don’t think those memories will come back,” she said, wistfully.

“When can I start my puberty?”

“Gloria will let us know but it should be soon. Now, let’s talk about your date for the dance. First, don’t ever try to use your friends to fight your battles again. I know Melisa was just trying to help you, but I don’t like being put into a corner like that. If you had asked I would have let you go anyway. You’re a girl in high school, and girls your age start dating boys. I am surprised though that you want to date now.”

“Why Mom, I’m in high school?”

“Because you’re still a boy.”

“But I’m not, I never have been, I just didn’t see that.”

“I suppose, but I’m just not ready for my girl to be bringing boys home just yet. If you were still Mark I would have expected to see a girl on your arm, but as a girl, I worry about you. Things happen to girls that don’t happen to boys. Just be careful Amanda, now get your homework done.”

“Yes, Mom.”

I went to my room and dropped onto my bed. I could hardly believe what had just taken place, I was going on a date, and I was going to become a real girl. Then the weirdest thing popped into my head, what about Mark? I still couldn’t let go of Mark and wondered why? I wanted to be Amanda, so why did I still think about being Mark again? Did I really want to become Mark again, or did I just want to re-live the memories of Mark and the times I had with my father? I love being my father’s girl, but we’ve really never done anything as a father and daughter other than visit in the hospital. I had other memories of Dad when I was Mark, all the lessons for life that Amanda never was able to have her father teach her. My mind went blank for a second and then I knew, Mark’s memories would always be with me, the real me, Amanda, the luckiest girl in the world.

The big night finally arrived and I was ready when Kurt arrived with Melisa and Brian. Because it was the Homecoming dance I dressed casually, a mini showing my legs a cute blouse with a scooped neck and two inch heels. I did my own makeup and my hair had been style a week before at a photo shoot, so I was looking better than I thought I would. Everything was perfect except for the butterflies in my stomach.

Chapter 14

I was still on a high when I went to school Monday. All my indecision about being a girl seemed to be gone, but then again I had felt that way before, but I might as well enjoy myself until I wanted to be a boy again, NOT. Kurt was waiting for me by the front door. I swear that boy must really like me a lot.

“Guess what?” he asked

“What?”

“Tiffany admitted she lied about you.”

“She did?”

“Yep, and she’s going to tell everyone she did, so we’ll have out reputations back.”

“Thank God, and now I have some news for you. Mom says I can go to the dance with you.”

You’d have thought I just gave Kurt a Christmas present, from the smile on his face.

“Swear?”

“Yes, except we have to double with Melisa.”

“Melisa, the junior girl?”

“Yes.”

“I know her, she’s nice. I think she’s going with Brian Cox. He’s on the football team with me. Come on, I’ll walk you to class.”

Kurt took my hand and intertwined our fingers; I guess I’m his girlfriend now.

Things got back to normal. Tiffany was shunned because of the rumor she lied about and couldn’t look me in the eye when we saw each other. Kurt seemed to be spending more and more time with me, as the dance grew closer.

The big night finally arrived and I was ready when Kurt arrived with Melisa and Brian. Because it was the Homecoming dance I dressed casually, a mini showing my legs a cute blouse with a scooped neck and two inch heels. I did my own makeup and my hair had been style a week before at a photo shoot, so I was looking better than I thought I would. Everything was perfect except for the butterflies in my stomach.

Kurt came into the house and Mom gave him the, don’t you dare touch my daughter speech, and then took a few pictures and then it was off to the dance. We had a wonderful time and Melisa watched me like a hawk.

Ginny was at the dance with two of her friends. She looked good and spent most of the evening dancing with whichever stag guy asked her. It was nice to see that my suggestion to her had paid off and it was good to see her smiling. I would have to call her in the morning to see if she snagged some unsuspecting boy. Something else I noticed was Tiffany wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I guess her embarrassment was too much for her to take.

My curfew was eleven o’clock since the dance ended at ten. We left a half of an hour early so we could spend time alone, well if you call four of us alone. Kurt and Melisa knew we couldn’t go somewhere and make-out so we went to the local burger place for a soda and just to talk. I’m kind of glad, because I wasn’t ready for steamy sex, God I’m only fourteen, but if I failed at not getting a kiss from Kurt at least once, I’d feel like a failure.

Our touches had become more than just holding hands. Kurt would put his arm around my waist whenever we were walking and I in turn found my arm around him. There was something that felt so right about all this, forgetting that I was still Mark under all these clothes.

We left the restaurant just before ten-thirty so we would make it home with minutes to spare. Kurt was driving and I wanted so badly to be able to sit next to him, but seatbelt laws were just the thing to make fathers happy that there would be no hanky-panky going on while driving, well not legally. I still hadn’t gotten my kiss.

We arrived home and Kurt walked me to the door. The porch light was on, and I knew Mom was waiting on the other side of the door.

Kurt took both of my hands in his and said, “I had a wonderful time tonight Amanda. Thank you for going with me.”

“Thank you for asking me,” I said.

There was nothing more to say except goodnight and I didn’t want to be disappointed so I looked up into his eyes and raised myself up toward his lips. Thankfully he took the hint and lowered his mouth to mine and I had my first kiss. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it had a profound effect on me. I was in love.

I watched as Kurt drove away, before entering the house. Surprise, surprise, Mom was waiting.

“Well, did you have fun?” she asked.

“Oh Mom, thank you so much for letting me go. We had such a wonderful time,” I gushed.

“Did your young man behave himself?”

“Yes Mom, he was a perfect gentleman.”

“Except for the goodnight kiss.”

“You saw?”

“I didn’t need to, your lipstick is smeared.”

I couldn’t help blushing.

“It was only a goodnight kiss.”

“Honey, I know, just be careful.”

I hugged my mother goodnight and went to my room for a fitful sleep. I couldn’t get my mind off of Kurt and our kiss. I knew I was one hundred percent girl now, well except for the obvious, but as far as Mark was concerned he was gone. If that were the case, then why did I wake from my dreams in a sweat? I always ended up as a boy with short hair and muscles, kissing Kurt for all I was worth. I had asked my mother to start a girl’s puberty, but was that what I really wanted, or was my life and my fixation with Kurt just a way to confirm I was now a girl? Was that kiss a girl’s first kiss, or was it a homosexual experience that Mark had desired? I didn’t know anymore, having lived as a girl for over a year, was I trying to overcompensate for my insecurities and was I being honest with myself? I know I still have to model to keep us in our home and Dad in therapy, but if I didn’t have that responsibility would I still want to remain a girl? God how I hate dreams, all they do is screw up my mind. I was so sure of my desire to become a girl, and now, it isn’t fair.

I rose the next morning and looked like death warmed over. I don’t think I slept more than three or four hours combined. It was wake and sleep, wake and sleep, toss and turn. I swear I had bags under my eyes. I showered which helped wake me up, but as I passed my mirror, I looked at the scrawny girl reflected back and wondered if having no shape was the reason for my nightmares. Hopefully the doctor can start my puberty soon.

I called Ginny like I promised and woke her from a very restful sleep. She wasn’t happy.

“Hi Ginny, it’s Amanda.”

“God Amanda, it’s only nine o’clock.”

“Time to rise and shine. I promised I’d call to see how things went at the dance?”

“Things went well at the dance, it’s this morning that things didn’t.”

“Why what happened this morning?”

“You woke me up.”

“Well aren’t we miss Grumpy in the morning?”

“You know how I hate mornings, but since you called and I’m missing my beauty sleep I might as well be civil. I had so much fun last night, and one boy said he’d call to ask me out.”

“Wow, really? Do you think your parents will let you go?”

“They don’t care, as long as I’m happy.”

“My mom wouldn’t let me, that’s for sure. I was lucky to go last night and the only reason I could was I doubled with Melisa. I know Mom won’t let me date alone for a while, probably not until I’m sixteen.”

“Why not?”

“My mom’s pretty strict when I comes to boys.”

“I can see her point, you’re so pretty, and you never know what the boy is like that you’re dating.”

“Kurt’s really nice. He kissed me goodnight.”

Ginny squeaked her approval.

“What was it like?”

“It took my breath away,” I embellished.

“Kurt is sooo cute, you two look so good together.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you notice Tiffany wasn’t there?”

’Yes, I guess she’s afraid to show her face.”

“I hope so, she ruined my life until you came along. I love you for all you’ve done for me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did, you gave me the confidence to be myself and I love you for it.”

“You’re a nice person, Ginny, and I love you too.”

After I ended my call with Ginny I called Cindy and pretty much told her the same thing I told Ginny about the dance and kiss.

“I wish my mother would let me go on a date,” Cindy lamented.

“Your mom won’t let you date?”

“Not until I’m sixteen.”

“I think my mom is going to do the same thing with me, unless I’m with a bunch of people. The only reason she let me go last night was that Melisa promised to watch over me.”

“At least you got to go. Oooh, Mom said you’re going to start hormones?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“You should. Girls our age started years ago.”

“Remember, I haven’t been a girl that long.”

“Amanda, you were born a girl and you’re just finding out now. Go for it.”

“We’ll see.”

“If you don’t, I’ll never talk to you again,” she laughed.

“Even if the hormones I take are for boys and I end up being some tall stud asking you out?”

“Give me a break girlfriend, you’re too pretty to be a boy.”

“What about that boy Andre Prej, something. He models boy’s and girl’s clothes and he’s so pretty. I think he’s a girl most of the time.”

I still think you should just be a girl and be happy.”

“How do you know I wouldn’t be happy as a boy?”

“Because you’re a girl inside. We’ve had this conversation a million times Amanda and you always end up agreeing with me.”

“I can still argue a little bit, and I do miss being Mark once in a while.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt and could do what I want. I can’t as a girl, and not because a girl can’t do the same things as a boy, but because of what I do for money. If I was to break my nose, your mother would have a fit.”

“That’s why they have plastic surgeons. After you start your hormones you’ll be able go out for girls sports like soccer and volleyball.”

“Then that’s what I’ll do.”

“Start your hormones?”

“No silly, go out for girls sports.”

“You might be a girl now, but that boy part of you will never change. I’m just glad you stopped climbing trees.”

“I had to or the boys would look up my skirt, bye Cindy.”

Over the next few weeks Kurt asked me out again, but Mom wouldn’t let me date, well, Kurt at least. Let me explain, I’ve been asked to go on a date with Jason Steele, you know the next newest Justin Bieber, to the United Music awards show in November. Apparently he saw my picture in Teen and had to meet me, so his people called my people and the date was set. I thought the whole thing was stupid, but it’s actually a working job. Hollywood is paying me to be seen with Jason and will fly me down to Hollywood for a complete makeover and wardrobe provided by one of the fashion houses I model for. Now don’t get me wrong, I think Jason is kind of cute and I’m going on a date most girls my age would kill for, but well, I still like Kurt and, oh never mind. Let’s just say I’m a very lucky girl right now.

The awards show is six weeks away and there were lots of things to do that didn’t involve the date. I guess because of the publicity who ever is putting this together needed the time to plan our every move. Welcome to the world of paparazzi, Amanda.

Three days after the call from my agents, Mrs. Meyer came to visit Mom.

“Rachel, we have to talk,” she said.

“Hi Gloria, what’s up?”

“I’ve looked into the request you made last week, you know about the hormones?”

Mom shook slightly before answering.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well I talked to Amanda’s doctor and it took some persuading, but I convinced her that Amanda wants to start her puberty.”

“I didn’t think you’d work so fast?”

“Listen Rachel, time is our enemy and the sooner Amanda starts her hormones the better of she’ll be. She won’t have to worry about overcoming those pesky male traits like an Adam’s apple or facial hair. You told me she’s excited about starting her puberty.”

“I know I did, it’s just that I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do?”

“Why don’t we ask her then? Let her make the decision. I know she’ll want to do it, and like I said, time is our enemy.”

“Amanda, would you come here for a moment?” Mom called, to my bedroom.

“Oh, hi Mrs. Meyer,” I said, as I entered the kitchen.

“Dressing down?” Mrs. Meyer commented, looking at the choice of clothing I wore while I studied or just kicked back around the house. I looked like any other teen girl my age, worn old denim cutoffs with a pink tank top and no shoes. Just call me Daisy Mae.

“Amanda, Gloria came by to talk to us about your transition and we have a very important decision to make concerning you,” Mom said.

I looked questioningly at Mrs. Meyer.

“Amanda, your mother told me you wanted to start taking hormones to make yourself a bit more curvy.”

“Yes, last week.”

“Well I called your doctor and she’s agreed to allow that to happen, but we want to be absolutely sure this is what you want? Like I told your mother, time is very import and the longer we delay the harder it will be for you to look like a natural woman, without surgery anyway. I might add that the people you do business with are going to wonder why you haven’t started to become a woman soon. I just thought I’d add that.”

Wow, talk about blindsiding me. I know I had talked to Mom about starting puberty, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. After the dance becoming a woman was all I could think about and nothing I wanted more. But as the last few days went by, I’ve had doubts as to whether I wanted to take that next big step. Yes, I absolutely wanted curves, but did I want to become a girl? When I look at Kurt, there is no doubt in my mind that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that I become indecisive. My mind keeps thinking of when Dad and I were together before any of this model thing took place. He was so proud of his boy and I was proud of the man I was becoming, a real man, not one of those beer drinking, woman beating assholes you read about in the paper.

To this day, I still can’t figure out why naming myself had made such an impact on me. I love being Amanda Flowers and Amanda James and to be honest I want to really become that person, it’s just that I love my father so much and miss the life lessons he was teaching me. My indecision could be because I miss my father so much. When I leave him after a visit my eyes always fill with tears, especially after calls me his princess. Perhaps if I transition I’ll become more at ease with myself, after all, Dad, doesn’t even remember a boy named Mark. What do I have to lose, I’m a girl already, so what difference could some hormones make anyway?

“Okay Mrs. Meyer, I want to start taking them. When can I start?”

“I made an appointment for you Saturday morning. You can go by on the way to visit your father.”

And so it was done, I was really going to become Amanda Flowers, the girl with a niggling doubt buried deep in her brain.

Saturday found Mom and I in the doctor’s office. There wasn’t any talk about what the hormones were going to do to my body except make me into a woman. Mrs. Meyer had seen to that. The only stipulation was that we paid cash and didn’t tell anyone that she had prescribed the hormones for me. Everything else was done by the book, blood work every visit with a checkup too. The meds were expensive almost double what they should be, but I guess that’s what you get when the doctor bends the rules a bit. It was a girl with sore buttocks when I entered the room to visit my father.

“How’s my princess?” Dad asked, as his face brightened with a smile.

“Everything’s good Dad. I went to a dance.”

Dad’s face became a scowl when I said that.

“Your mother let you?”

“Dad, it was the homecoming, and I went with friends. Nothing happened.”

“I hope not, or there will be Hell to pay when I get home. Tell me about this boy you went with.”

“His name is Kurt Grainger and he’s very nice. He goes to the same school as me. He’s on the football team”, I added, hoping it would make an impression, “Mom met him and she likes him.”

“Which reminds me, the doctors say I might be able to come home before Christmas, so I can protect my little girl from one of those football bullies.”

“Really Dad? Kurt’s not that way.”

“Yes really, Honey, and I’m just kidding about that boy.”

“I hope you do, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, sweetheart.”

Dad had been looking better each time I saw him. He can walk with a walker and has walked unassisted across his room to the bathroom. He still doesn’t remember some things before the accident, but he has regained his knowledge of his job and hopefully will be able to return to work in the future. Thankfully my modeling job has paid me more than enough to pay for his expensive medical bills.

Mom and I stayed the weekend as we usually do, returning home Sunday night. The message light was blinking on the answering machine. It was a message from Gloria stating that my date with Jason Steele was going to happen and to call her for the details.

The event was going to take place on a Tuesday night in Hollywood so we would have to arrive Monday night. I was scheduled for a dress fitting and makeover session Tuesday starting in the morning for the fitting and the afternoon to have my hair and makeup done. I would be picked up at our hotel. Jason and I would be driven to the awards ceremony and then to an awards party afterward. To say I was a little excited would be an understatement; I was going on a date with Jason Steele.

Four weeks later, Mom and I flew from Sacramento on the Monday before the big event, yep that’s what a date with Jason Steele was, an event. We were given a suite at the Bonaventure, being told only the best was good enough for Amanda Flowers and it wouldn’t look good for the photographers to see me coming out of a Motel Six for my big date. I could see their point, the rags that would be publishing the photos, not to mention the TV programs dedicated to Hollywood fantasy, would look for the smallest detail to make me look bad, so only the best for publicity.

I won’t bore you with everything that took place Tuesday, suffice to say the fitting took three hours and when it was done the dress I was to wear was stunning. Every bit of my wardrobe was co-coordinated from my lingerie to my heels. I didn’t know how I was going to walk, as these were the highest heels I had ever seen. Mom said they were five inches and I wondered if I would tower over Jason? I had grown to five foot six and still showed no indication of slowing down.

The afternoon was relaxing. I was given a mini spa treatment and was back to the hotel by four, coifed and made up as sexily as possible. Mom had more than a little concern with the way I looked. The word predator came to mind.

My dress was beautiful, showing more than a little of my legs. I critiqued myself and as usual hated my skinny legs, but had to admit they really did look nice with this dress. The phone rang to inform me the limo had arrived and Jason was waiting.

“I have to go Mom,” I said as I grabbed my purse.

“Oh no you don’t young lady, not before I meet your date. It might not be the real thing, but it is a date and I want to meet this Jason boy.”

“Mom, this is so embarrassing.”

“I don’t care, no introduction, no date.”

I called down to the front desk and asked then to have Jason come to my room, which he did. I have to give him credit for doing so.

“Jason, I’m sorry for putting you through this, but I won’t have my daughter dating anyone until I meet them. I know it’s old fashion, but that’s the way I am.”

“That’s okay Mrs. James, my parents raised me to be a considerate man and meeting a girl’s parents is the right thing to do,” he said, obviously kissing up to Mom.

“Well you two have fun, and Amanda, you behave yourself.”

God I could have died when Mom said that. It wasn’t like Jason and I were running off to some hotel to have sex.

“Your Mom’s nice,” Jason said, as he escorted me to the elevators.

“She can be a bit protective, sorry.”

“She should be. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.”

I blushed.

Jason is seventeen years old and has been gaining popularity over the last year and a half. He had gone from an unknown boy singer to the latest teen heartthrob and his videos were selling in the millions of copies. He had been linked to several young girls over the same period of time and every time he was seen with someone new it made the rumor mills. I wondered what would be said about me as his latest flame?

Jason told me he still wasn’t used to the fame. He was raised in a small town in Iowa and only became noticed as a singer by accident. He was singing at a church recital and one of the members had brought her brother who happened to be a music director for a major record label. He liked what he heard and with Jason’s good looks the rest was history, instant boy heartthrob.

My story wasn’t much different, girl is noticed and girl becomes a model. I just didn’t know how popular that model would become. Small town girl meets small town boy and the sparks fly; yep the Inquirer was going to have a field day with this.

We arrived at the theater with flashes blinking so fast that I thought it was a light show. The Limo driver came around the car and opened my door for me, extended his hand and helped me from the rear seat. I hoped I was able to hold my dress down enough not to show the world my choice of panties for the evening. Jason slid out after me, smiling and waving to his fans. The teen girls in attendance were beside themselves as he turned to his left and right with his dazzling smile. I felt like another piece of eye candy for him until I heard my name being called, “Amanda.”

I looked toward the voice and knew a girl had called for me, but had no idea who it was. It was then that I learned of my fan base.

I had received fan letters ever since my career began, but my agency had forwarded just a few. The rest were sent to a department that did nothing but answer fan letters for all the models with a printed note of thanks for sending a letter. The response included an autographed picture of whichever model the letter was addressed to. But now there wasn’t anyone to buffer the adoration from my fans, and to be honest it was intimidating. Pens and papers were thrust to me for an autograph, which I signed, with a smile.

Jason finally took my arm and said, “We have to get inside.”

As we walked arm in arm to the entry, all I heard was, “Amanda, Amanda, we love you.”

The show was fun and sitting so close to all the entertainers was beyond description. To be in the same place as my idols had me in more than a little awe. Just being Jason’s date was pretty awesome and then being in the same room as Gaga, wow.

Jason won an award for being the up and coming entertainer of the year, and I kissed his cheek when he returned to his seat, to the flash of the approved photographers cameras. He couldn’t have had a bigger smile on his face.

After the ceremony we went to an after party at the Hilton. Cameras were everywhere. I realized this party was nothing more than a publicity thing for the artists. I was approached several times by TV journalists asking if I was Jason’s new girlfriend, to which I replied that we were just dating, oops.

The evening ended and I was driven back to the hotel.

“Amanda, I had fun this evening. Could I ask you to go out with me again?”

I smiled and said, “I’d like that very much, but I’m only fourteen years old and I know my mother won’t let me date until I’m sixteen.”

“Damn, I forgot you’re so young. You seem so much older.”

Jason might be seventeen, but he already knew the lines to use on impressionable young girls.

The limo arrived and the doorman opened the rear for me to slide out. Jason followed and took my hands in his. He looked into my eyes with his sexiest stare.

“Thank you for being my date Amanda, I’m going to miss you,” he said, and lowered his lips to mine. As they touched fireworks erupted, I was so in love with this teen idol.

Opening my eyes, I realized I hadn’t seen fireworks. I had seen the flash of cameras pointed in our direction. Oh God, I just knew who would be on the front page of every newspaper in the land, Jason’s new girlfriend. I wondered if Jason had kissed me for the cameras? I hoped not.

Jason was gallant enough to walk me to my room and kissed me softly once again. There were no more fireworks and I realized he was just a nice boy I really liked.

“Goodnight Jason, and thank you for a fun evening.”

“The pleasure was all mine and I’ll have my people get a hold of your people and maybe we can do this again,” he laughed.

I couldn’t help myself realizing he was just pulling my leg because of how ridiculous that sounded, but unfortunately that’s the way things were done in the entertainment industry.

Mom was waiting for me and it was nearly midnight. I know she was a little worried about her daughter, but also knew we could never be alone even for a minute. The risks were just too high for something embarrassing to happen to our careers. Jason didn’t need bad publicity, not did I, but it would harm a star like him more than me, as I was just an up and coming model with a small fan base. Nothing could be farther from the truth, which I would out find the next morning.

Chapter 15

The phone rang in our suite waking both Mom and me.

“Hello,” Mom said.

“Oh my God, have you seen the news?”

It was Gloria, and she was beside herself.

“What news?”

“Well not really the news, but the gossip news?”

“God no, I never watch that crap.”

“Well maybe you should, your daughter is the morning headlines.”

“How can that be? All she did was go to the award show and a party afterward.”

“Exactly, and guess what? Jason and Amanda kissed in front of God and everyone else.”

“Amanda kissed a boy?”

“Not just any boy Rachel, she kissed Jason Steele, and would you like to know who the story is about? Amanda Flowers, not Jason Steele, but Amanda Flowers. Amanda is now our countries newest sweetheart and everything she does is now news. You should have heard the conversation, was this her first kiss, is she in love with Jason Steele, or more importantly, is Jason Steele in love with Amanda Flowers. Every teen and tween girl is living through Amanda Flowers and if Jason hurts her, there will be Hell to pay. What was Amanda thinking?”

“I have no idea, Gloria, but there must be some explanation.”

“I hope there is. Amanda’s life just changed and she isn’t going to have a moments peace from now on.”

Gloria hung up the phone and Mom called me from my bedroom. Yep, we got the two-bedroom suite. Hollywood Models really knows how to spend money.

“Amanda, I just got a call from Gloria and she said something about you kissing Jason Steele. Is she telling the truth?”

“It was just a goodnight kiss Mom, nothing happened.”

“I’m afraid something did happen and now it’s all over the news.”

“What news?”

“News from the awards ceremony, you know the one that highlights what all the women were wearing, and who was with whom. You know what was said about your goodnight kiss?”

“What?”

“Was this Amanda Flowers first kiss and were you and Jason in love and to make matters worse, the story was about you, with Jason as an after thought.”

“Oh my God.”

“Gloria said our lives are going to change, but this is so new to us, I have no idea of what’s going to happen.”

We packed and called for our limo to bring us to the airport. As we exited the front doors of the hotel, I saw the changes Gloria had said would take place. Photographers, and people surrounded the entrance with microphones, all shoving and pushing to get closer to me. I felt like a dear caught in the headlights.

“Amanda, what was it like when Jason kissed you? Amanda, are you going to see Jason again? Are you in love? Was he your first kiss? Did he call you for another date? Are you seeing anyone else? Amanda, do you have any advice for other girls your age?”

I was dumb struck. I couldn’t utter a word. Who cares what I think or say? I’m just a fourteen-year-old girl from Colfax who had gone on an arraigned date with a boy as eye candy. How was I to know I would be the center of interest and not Jason, as planned, but even worse was that I had no idea of what I should do now?

The doorman pushed an opening to the limo and held the door open for us to enter. I got in first and Mom followed. The door was shut and the car lurched forward, flashes blinding us through the window.

“Mom, what was that?”

“That my dear was an indication of what your fans think of you.”

“But I haven’t done anything.”

“Exactly, and that’s why everyone wants to get to know you.”

“Mom, I don’t know about this. I thought all I had to do was be a girl and take some photos. What happens if they find out about Mark?”

“Honey, we’ve done everything possible for that not to happen. I just hope it was enough.”

We arrived at the airport to more flashes and questions. I said nothing and was soon on the plane home.

Thankfully we landed at Sacramento and the crush of paparazzi was left in Los Angeles. I doubt celebrities flew into Sacramento more that twice a year and paparazzi made their money with quantity and not quality. That explained the absence of the flashing cameras.

Things settled down after that. The next week I was on the cover of most of the rags and knew my pictures would end up on the bottom of some birdcage somewhere. I still couldn’t figure out the fascination with Amanda Flowers. Unfortunately for me, that fascination didn’t die on the floor of LAX, and it would take time, but the rats would find me.

The next big event came December twenty-first. Dad came home. It was the best Christmas present I could have had.

Let me explain that my father had been in therapy since his release from the hospital and had worked his tail off trying to get better. He could walk with a cane and some of his memory had returned, mostly with regard to his job. He would be able to return to his job if he had a way of getting there. That wouldn’t be a problem, I would see to that.

Before Dad returned home Mom had the house brought up to handicap standards. Ramps for a wheelchair and doors wide enough for the chair to get through, handles in the bathroom and all the rest were built. The money spent and used to drive him to work was much less than the huge amounts spent in the home where Dad had been living. Dad was just glad to be home with his wife and princess.

The holiday season was quiet around our house. Dad was happy being home and being able to spend everyday with his daughter. Mom loved doting on her husband but it had only been two weeks that he had been home and I’m sure she’ll tire of it, but it didn’t seem it would happen soon.

Dad returned to work at the end of January. I had been helping him to walk every day and he had improved a little each day. He had a long way to go, but he was getting there.

I flew to Loa Angeles the second week of February for another photo shoot. I had grown to five foot eight and I was starting to get some curves of my own. I wondered if getting those curve would make me feel even better about being Amanda. I think it has. Being perfectly honest with myself, I missed being Mark, but now I was feeling better about myself. I felt as though my mind was beginning to match my body, if that makes any sense. What I’m trying to say is that I felt like a fraud before I started hormones, but as my body changed so did what I thought of myself. I was really becoming Amanda Flowers and when I looked at my reflection in a mirror it confirmed what I now felt, I was really a girl.

My career had blossomed with my body. I was making more money that I thought possible, but that would pale with the next big step in my life. I was asked to audition for a movie contract.

I flew to Los Angeles with Mrs. Meyer because Mom had to stay with Dad. As usual we stayed at the Bonaventure in a suite provided by the film studio. The gaggle of paparazzi was waiting when we arrived. I don’t know how they knew, unless they camp in front of the hotel. They asked the same questions as the last time I saw them, except they wanted to know if I was dating someone new. My only thought was why don’t you get a life?

The next day we were driven to a film studio and I was given three scripts to memorize and then act for a camera. It took over twelve hours before they were done.

The director said I did a good job and they would let me know if they would call me for any up coming roles, in other words don’t call us, we’ll call you.

“You really did do a wonderful job, Amanda. My only concern is that you’ve grown so tall lately that there aren’t many actors you will be able to star with.”

“I thought most of the male actors were tall?”

“Goodness no. Most are short and with heels you would tower over them.”

“Well at least I’m tall enough to do runway modeling now.”

“Yes you are, which reminds me, it’s Spring week in New York next month and you’ve been asked to model one of the top lines of clothes.”

“Really”

“Yep, really. I’d better let your mom know so it won’t be too much of a shock.”

Mrs. Meyer let Mom know the dates of the New York shows and she was able to hire a nurse to stay with Dad for the two weeks I would be gone. Yep, I would be modeling more than one line of clothing.

The shows in New York were exciting and my developing figure made the clothes fit that much better. I was growing to really like modeling and I found I liked being Amanda more each day. I have become very comfortable being a girl. Thoughts of Mark hadn’t crossed my mind in weeks.

I thought the paparazzi were only interested in me only out West, but I was wrong. Mom and I couldn’t go anywhere without at least five or more photographers following our every move. The constant flashes and attention couldn’t help but draw my fans like moths to a flame. I vowed to never turn anyone down that asked for an autograph, so it was a rare day that I didn’t have cramps in my fingers. I had my tutor, thank God, or I’d miss school to the point I would have to give up my dream of attending Stanford. My grade point average has been a 4.0 since attending the private school in Auburn. My councelor recommended that I go out for a sport and volunteer to help at a charity to raise my grade point average above where it is now. I wondered how I was going to fit all of it in with my job. All I can do is try.

There weren’t many Spring sports available so I signed up for track. I’ve always been a good runner so it was a fit for me.

Track practice started and I found how out of shape I had become. Being a model and being an athlete are two different things. When I was Mark I was a very fast runner, but as I’ve grown I seem to have lost some of my speed. I wonder if it was because I hadn’t been running for several years, or my new body might be the reason. Maybe after training for a while I’ll be able to tell.

We heard back from the film studio and they were impressed with my audition and said they would try to find an actor tall enough to work with me.

I trained for track and only missed one day while I had a photo shoot. Thankfully our school makes provisions for students such as me that have other interests that interfere with the school schedule. Coach decided to have me run the 800 meters because he found I have very good stamina and am fast enough to have a good kick at the end of the race. Being on the team has gained me new friends and I like the comraderie. Luckily the paparazzi haven’t found me, or my school, yet. Traveling to Auburn isn’t in their schedule as the next closest person of interest would be in San Francisco. I might be America’s newest sweetheart, but not enough to justify wasting a day traveling to watch me run a race at a track meet, thank God.

Now getting back to me, the girl me. I no longer have to wear my fillets. My breasts have developed enough that they show with my bra. I have hips, but I feel like I’m getting fat. Mom says I look very nice, but maybe not having hips for so long makes me think any development is huge. I’ve also grown to five foot nine. I hope I stop growing soon since I’m now tall enough for runway. I guess you could say I have a models shape and the start of an athletic figure.

I look at myself in the mirror and feel very pleased with my decision to start my puberty. I feel more like a real girl everyday. Just when I’m really pleased with myself I look in the mirror and ask myself if I’m doing the right thing? Do I really want to be the beautiful girl in the mirror or am I fooling myself into trying to forget Mark? I miss the carefree attitude I once had as a boy. I didn’t have to worry that if I hurt myself I might ruin a promising career. I wonder if I would have begun to fill out with muscle as male hormones filled my body? Would I have liked girls as more than just friends? I might never know. Don’t get me wrong, I know I made the right decision; it’s just that I wonder what might have been?

Dad seems to be getting stronger every day. I love the interaction with him. Dad loves me very much and is so proud of his little girl, even though I’m almost as tall as him. I guess the good part of going to school in Auburn is that Mom can drive both Dad and me to work and school without making a special trip. That might end soon as Dad is looking into hand controls for the car and if he can manage it, will soon be driving himself to work.

Cindy and I are as close as ever. We talk daily about our feelings and of course boys. Cindy has a boyfriend and he’s all she ever talks about, Lonnie this and Lonnie that, it’s so cute. Kurt and I still see each other at lunch and even though we can’t date, it feels like were boyfriend and girlfriend. The longer I’ve been on hormones, the more at ease I feel with having a boyfriend. I no longer feel as though I’m involved in a homosexual experience but in a real boy, girl relationship.

Kurt has mentioned the Prom is coming up soon and has asked me to go with him. This only proved that we have become more than lunch buddies and we have a real relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I’ve fallen in love. If I have, Mom’s going to be so angry with me, I just know. I don’t know how Dad will feel about me seeing Kurt even if it’s just for the dance, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

“Mom, Kurt asked me to the Prom. Can I go?”

Unlike the first dance I went to, Mom didn’t freak out like I thought she would.

“Kurt again? Are you two seeing each other?”

“Mom, the only time I see him is at school, it’s just that we’re really good friends.”

“Well, he behaved himself the last time he took you to a dance, so I guess it will be okay. I think we should ask your father too, now that he’s home.”

“Ask me what?” Dad asked, from the living room.

“A boy has asked Amanda to go to the prom with him and wants to know if we’ll let her go?”

“I don’t mind, as long as I meet him first.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem, Dad. I’ll ask him to come by and meet you. He’s already met Mom.”

“When was that?”

“Last year when he took me to the Homecoming dance.”

“He’s a very nice young man, Lance.”

“I’d still like to meet him. Amanda, would you help me with my exercises?”

“Yes Dad, you know I always do.”

I gave Kurt the good news as soon as I saw him in the morning. I should mention he waits for me to arrive at school and we walk hand in hand whenever we’re together.

“I asked my parents if I could go to the Prom with you, and they said yes,” I said, excitedly.

“Thank God, I didn’t want to have to ask anyone else.”

“Who would you have asked?” I asked, jealously.

“I hadn’t even thought about it. You’re the only one I wanted as a date.”

I squeezed his hand.

“Kurt, I have to ask you something. Why don’t you date any other girl beside me? You know my mother won’t let me go on a regular date, so why me?”

“Because I really like you and because we can’t date like other kids, my grades don’t suffer. Going to a good college is the most important thing right now, and as much as I like you, not being able to date you makes it that much easier to study. I won’t deny wanting to take you out like any other couple, but it’s probably for the best that we don’t.”

“Maybe when I’m sixteen?” I giggled.

“Sure thing, I’ll fly home on the weekends from school, yep my parents will be more than happy to pay for those college expenses.”

“I know, I’m being selfish, but I do have feelings for you.”

“And I for you. Why do you think I walk with you everyday? Someday you and I will be able to spend the time we want together and don’t forget, you want to attend Stanford when you graduate and dating me wouldn’t be the best thing for you either.”

I was so lucky to have Kurt for my friend. He really knew how to make me feel special.

The Prom was a month away so I had time to do what girls usually do, look for a dress. Mom took Cindy and me to Sacramento to find the perfect go to prom gown, but we didn’t find anything I liked. We still had three weeks to go, so there would be time.

Two weeks before the prom I had a very busy week in Los Angeles. There was another shoot for Lush and three clothing lines. I found as I grew in height, doors opened for me to model clothes. The more I modeled, the more my popularity grew and it seemed my fans couldn’t get enough of their newest sweetheart. Fortunately for me, that meant more work, but it also meant more intrusion into my life by paparazzi. I had been fortunate enough to only have them bother me when I went on assignment and they pretty much left me alone when I was at home. That changed when I opened my big mouth at one of my clothing shoots.

“I love this outfit,” I mentioned to one of the girls helping me change between pictures.

“It is cute and if you like it, I’m sure the manufacturer will let you keep it.”

“You really think so?”

“They usually let the girls keep a few of the clothes they model as a thank you.”

“I wish I was modeling prom dresses. I’m going to my first prom in two weeks and I can’t find anything to wear.”

“Are you serious, I would think Amanda Flowers would have her choice of outfits.”

“Not really, Mom and I went shopping and I couldn’t find anything to wear.”

“You went shopping for a gown?”

“Yes, I’ve grown out of everything I own.”

“I think maybe I can help. I’ll call you next week.”

We flew back to Sacramento and an hour later we were home.

“Did my girls have a nice time?” Dad asked, when we walked through the door.

When Mom and I went for a shoot, Dad was left to fend for himself with a little help from Mrs. Meyers. She would make sure he had something to nuke when he returned from work. As I mentioned, Dad has become much stronger and has gained more movement in his legs and hopefully he’ll be able to walk without his canes. One thing that has helped was the purchase of a new car for Dad, a Prius with hand controls. Dad is now free to drive himself to work. Having this freedom has meant wonders as far as his mental health is concerned. There were times when he had a shadow hanging over his head because he was trapped at home. Now it was as though the sun had come out from behind a cloud. As he gained his freedom it seems his memory has slowly been returning. I wonder if he’ll ever remember Mark and what I’ll do when he does?

My father and I have become very close since his accident, and I have truly become his little girl, even though I’m almost as tall as he is now. There aren’t words enough to say how much I love him, and there’s no way for him to hide his feelings for me. I’m truly blessed to have this man in my life, as Mark and now as Amanda. I’m grateful everyday I spend with my father and the special relationship we have as father and daughter. I only hope it won’t be destroyed if he ever does remember his son.

“I can’t say it was a nice time, dear, it was more like work. It was fun when it started, but I’m getting tired of all the travel.”

“And did my girl wow them as usual?” Dad kidded.

“Dad, you know its just work and I’m no different than any other model.”

“Honey, your much different than any other model, you’re special.”

“Dad, I’m not.”

“But you are, but I guess I’m prejudiced. I don’t know what I’d do without my princess.”

“Daaad,” I said, giving my father a hug.

I had forgotten my conversation with Linda, the girl who helped me during the shoot. She called Monday afternoon. My cell phone rang and I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello.”

“Amanda, hi, it’s Linda,” she said, when I answered my cell.

“Oh, hi, Linda, what’s up?”

“Girl, I have news for you. I asked around to see if I could get a dress for you, and guess what?”

“What?”

“I found three designers that want you to wear their dress.”

“Three?”

“Yes, and it won’t cost you a cent.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re Amanda Flowers. You don’t think those movie ladies pay for anything they wear, do you?”

“I don’t know?”

“Well, they don’t, and the designers are going to get a hold of your agent. It will be up to you to decide which dress to wear. Girl, you’re going to knock them dead.”

My head was spinning. All I wanted was a dress from a store. Now I wondered what kind of can of worms I had opened? I found out the next day when Mom and I went to the grocery store.

As we stood in line to pay for our groceries I could help looking at the gossip newspapers lining the cash line. When I saw the headline I almost fainted.

“AMANDA’S FIRST PROM. WHO’S THE LUCKY GUY?”

“Mom, look,” I said, pointing to the publication.

“Oh my God.”

Mom grabbed the issue and the others with the same type of headline. No one said a word or looked at me any differently than when we walked into the store. I, of course, wasn’t wearing any makeup, so maybe no one realized the girl in the photo was me.

When we arrived home, the first thing we did was read the articles. The big question was who my date was and if I was in some sort of relationship. Next was what I was going to wear? Who’s design was good enough for Amanda Flowers? God I felt like crawling under a rock. It didn’t take long for my best friend to call.

“Amanda, did you see?”

“Yes, and I’m so embarrassed.”

“Why? Mom says this is the best thing for your career.”

“But Cindy, it’s no ones business who I go to the prom with. Kurt and I are just friends.”

“You keep saying that, but if he didn’t like you, he’d have asked someone else, and I know you have feelings for him. Face it Amanda, you have a boyfriend.”

Cindy was right, I did have feelings for Kurt and I knew there was nothing we could do to pursue those feelings because I was still a fourteen-year-old girl and even more importantly I was still a boy.

“I don’t Cindy.”

“Okay, if you say so. Have you decided on what you’re going to wear yet?”

“I haven’t seen the dresses yet.”

“I hope they don’t wait too long. You have to have your hair done and makeup. Do you know where your gong to have it done?”

“No. I haven’t even thought of that part of it.”

“Well you’d better, because I’m sure most of the salons will be booked up by now.”

“God Cindy, I didn’t know this would be such a hassle.”

“Girl, it’s not a hassle, it’s fun. I wish I was going with you.”

“You would be if you went to my school.”

“Yeah, right.”

“You’re beautiful and you know it, I have to run, love you.”

Thursday Mrs. Meyer called to let me know Hollywood Models had arraigned for three choices of clothing for me to wear. All were highly visible designer labels and my decision would add many sales to their line. I hadn’t modeled for any of them, so it didn’t make any difference whom I picked, but I would probably start modeling their line after my decision. I was also told that because of the high visability of my choice, all my accessories would be provided, as would my hairstyle and makeup. This no longer felt like a date but more like a job. I was now becoming more aware of the viability of my popularity. Amanda Flowers was becoming a thing rather than a person, and I’m not sure if I liked what I was becoming.

Monday the three dresses were delivered along with shoes and accessories. Each dress was a different color and the shoes were dyed to match. The dresses were the most beautiful I had ever seen and was warned not to do any harm to them trying them on, as the least expensive was over five thousand dollars.

I tried them all and the decision was very difficult to make. One dress was for someone much more endowed than me so as much as I liked it, it wouldn’t work. The other two were perfect and it would be a choice Mom would make rather than me.

“Amanda, that dress is much too short for you to wear.”

“But Mom, it’s so pretty.”

“And sexy I might add. There’s no way my daughter is going to wear a dress like that, especially at fourteen.”

The dress in question was made of lace with nude satin covering places that shouldn’t be seen, but was revealing enough to make it look as though I was wearing sexy lingerie. With the heels I would be a walking wet dream.

The last dress wasn’t see through, but it was sexy. It was metallic gold satin with fabric wide enough to cover my breasts but not much more that went from my waist up over my shoulders and back down to my waist in back. There was a thin strap going across my shoulder blades meant to keep the fabric from falling off my shoulders and exposing things that weren’t supposed to be exposed. The best way to describe the dress would be a wide strap, skin, wide strap, exposed side, strap, skin, strap, exposed side and back to the original strap, as I mentioned, very sexy. From the waist down it was sleek and smooth stopping at a bias cut from just above mid thigh on the right to just below mid thigh on the left. To say I exposed more of my leg than I was used to would be an understatement and if it weren’t for the free dress, Mom would have never let me buy such a beautiful item. The Giuseppe Zanotti sandals that were coordinated with the dress would make me almost as tall as Kurt. I had never worn anything so high on my feet, and loved the way I looked. Mom just shook her head.

The weekly rags came out and the stories were the same, who was Amanda Flowers date? Was she going with Jason Steele? Stupid people, I was invited, not Jason Steele. I could tell Kurt was becoming uncomfortable with the attention I was the center of, but he didn’t say anything to me about it.

We learned Wednesday that Teen was going to do an article about my first prom and there would be a photographer with me the whole day before the prom. This was getting so out of hand that I almost wished I hadn’t accepted the date. Another surprise was that Hollywood Models was going to supply a limo for the evening. Kurt had mentioned that he and Melisa’s date were going to use Kellon’s parent’s car. It was a Cadillac Escalade and it was only a few years old. Kellon is Melisa’s new boyfriend by the way.

Some days I ride to school with Dad and other with Melisa. The days I don’t model are the days with Melisa, since she’s on the softball team and our practices end about the same time. We arrived at school and Kurt was waiting with his usual smile.

“Hi Amanda.”

Hi Kurt. Guess what? My modeling agency wants us to ride to the dance and back in a limo, and they’re paying for it.”

“Swear to God?”

“Yep, it’s a done deal.”

“Way cool, did you tell Melisa?”

“Yes, on the way to school. There are a couple of other things though, kind of like strings attached to the offer. We’re going to have a photographer following us all night, even at the dance. Teen is going to do an article about me going to my first prom so you will be in it because I’m your date.”

“It sounds like fun to me.”

“Maybe to you, but its too much like work for me. Wait until you see my dress, remember, hands off,” I giggled.

Thursday I brought paper work for Kurt to sign for his part in the photo shoot, as did Melisa and Kellon. They were going to pay them four hundred dollars for their troubles. They definitely liked that.

Saturday, the day of the prom arrived, photographers and makeup people invaded our home. What I thought would be a fun day getting ready for my date turned into a drudge of work. I bathed, shaved and then the work began. My hair had to be cut and styled, my nails done, before the hard work started. It was makeup on, makeup off. My dress was hung nearby so my makeup would compliment rather than clash when it was finished. It took most of the day for it to be done. Let me explain. Every step was photographed, my eye, skin, and lips. The makeup person would put one thing on and then there would be pictures taken. Each step I was asked to pretend that I was putting on the makeup so when the girls bought the magazine they would think they could have the same results as Amanda Flowers. It might have been deceptive, but it sold magazines and it proved Amanda Flowers was just like them.

My makeup being finished I was able to dress. The dress was carefully lowered over my head and heels placed on my feet. The dress fit my new curves perfectly and the lack of breast development actually looked sexy. Brenda, one of the women from Teen added discreet double side tape to keep the top straps from exposing my tiny breasts. I looked at the finished product in the full height mirror and was shocked. I looked as though I was eighteen years old and would be stopping traffic wherever I went. I was gorgeous and saw where this dress was going to sell, if you could afford it. I imagine the knock offs would be on the market in days.

The way our date was choreographed, Kurt was to arrive at six to take us to dinner with Melisa and Kellon. The Limo driver picked them up first so the princess, me, could be attended to by her subjects in waiting. It was such a sham. I have to admit, Kurt was a good sport about all this.

Before Kurt arrived I was primped and photographed just like any other modeling session. I must have done a hundred poses turning and smiling for the camera. When Kurt arrived he was put through the same drill, except it was an exciting exercise for him. The first always is. Thankfully the photographer didn’t ride in the limo with us. It was the first private moment I had all day.

“Your beautiful,” Kurt said, putting his arm around my shoulder.

“Thanks, you look pretty good yourself,” I replied, which he did.

I snuggled into his shoulder, being careful not to mess my makeup and leave a stain on his tuxedo jacket.

Kurt’s arm felt good and his hand on the bare skin of my shoulder was doing things to me I didn’t think possible. My stomach was a jumble of butterflies gathering for their mating season.

“God Amanda, I love your dress,” Melisa said. “I wish I had one like that.”

“You can if you have a spare eight thousand dollars sitting around,” I laughed.

“My God, that’s as much as a car, a used one anyway,” Kellon exclaimed.

“I got it for free, it’s just that I’ll be photographed all night.”

“Hey, if being photographed would get me a car, go for it,” he laughed.

The prom was held at a hotel in Sacramento, so we settled back and chatted for the hour drive from my house to the hotel. We ate dinner in the hotel restaurant so we wouldn’t have to drive more than we had to.

Kurt and I made quite a couple. Being six four, Kurt had grown an inch over the last six months, and me in my five-inch heels stood six three, impressed more than a few people. We felt like we were arriving at the Oscars with the attention we garnered. Unfortunately the photographer froze our every move. Kurt was the consummate gentle man, guiding me with a light touch on my back, his fingers lingering longer than I thought necessary, but I liked it just the same. This dress was going to make seduction easy, at least for Kurt if I wasn’t careful. Seduction on my part took place the first moment Kurt saw me in this dress and I hated being fourteen at the moment.

The school allowed the photographer to go only as far as the door to the ballroom. The private school I attend has many, shall we say kids that don’t want to be seen, because of kidnap possibilities and the best insurance against that, is not knowing who the person is. I was thankful because I was just tired of having my picture taken, This was supposed to be a date with a boy I had real feelings for and nothing dampens a budding romance faster that someone flashing a camera at every move you make. Unfortunately I knew the cameras would be waiting when we finished with the prom.

Kurt and I were judged to be the most attractive couple at the dance, but I disqualified myself because I’m only a freshman and I had way more professional help getting ready than any other girl in attendance. Being attractive is my job and being the recipient of an eight thousand dollar dress more than made up for the trophy.

Cecilia Jefferson and her partner Wendell Kramer won the prize. I’m glad because Cecilia is on the track team with me and she’s really pretty. She reminds me of Beyonce and she’s has a scholarship to either MIT or CIT and has to decide which school to attend. Even though I’m a freshman and she’s a senior, we’ve become quite close for teammates. I asked her why she chose those schools and she answered that she wanted to break a stereotype, that as a black woman she was stupid, and she loved math and believe it or not wanted to become a rocket scientist. She missed being Valedictorian by half of a percentage point. My date had beaten her out for the honor. Kurt was special.

We had talked about my wish to attend Stanford and she told me if I worked my butt off I would make it. I wouldn’t let her down.

Because of Kurt’s popularity he danced with more than a few senior girls at the prom, but I didn’t feel left out as a lot of guys wanted to dance with Amanda Flowers, who wouldn’t? Unfortunately the dance was over much too quickly and it was time to return home. I would be dropped off first because of my age. Leaving the ballroom was much different than when we arrived. Word had gotten out that Amanda Flowers was at the prom, so instead of one photographer there were twenty. In addition there must have been at least a hundred fans waiting for autographs. Poor Kurt, as he had to put up with my duty to sign everything thrust in my direction. It took a half of an hour before we made it to the limo.

The ride home was quiet and I couldn’t help but snuggle into Kurt’s shoulder. Because of the attention I had to ask him not to kiss me goodnight when he dropped me off, but I would kiss his cheek. It was very choreographed, but I’m jumping ahead of myself. I might be a bit of a petulant child, but I did want a goodnight kiss from Kurt and rather than wait for him to make an awkward gesture, I just asked for one.

“Kurt, we can’t kiss when you drop me off, but I really do want to kiss you goodnight, so would you do it now?”

Kurt’s smile would have lit up half of California if it could have been bottled.

He turned his head toward mine, lifted my chin gently, and softly touched his lips to mine. This wasn’t the first kiss Kurt had given me, the first being at the Homecoming dance, but this was different.

I thought back to my first kiss and remembered my reaction to it. I was excited and acted like a girl with her first kiss. I wanted hug myself and felt this was the most wonderful moment of my life, being accepted as a girl, a girl kissed by a boy. It was just like the movies. In fact it was like the movies and I acted the way a young girl should have acted, but now I realized it was just an act to please myself. There really wasn’t any feeling involved with the kiss. Now I felt something different, my body felt excited and peaceful in the same moment. My brain wasn’t saying I was being kissed by a boy and thought how romantic, no, what I felt was a yearning to be with this person for the rest of my life. As I was to learn later in life was that I was falling in love as a woman with a man and I never felt more special.

Kurt and I kissed many more times as we rode home, but then again, so did Melisa and Kellon. I couldn’t help noticing how different I felt with the help of the hormones I was taking. I honestly felt like a real girl every time our lips touched.

The limo dropped me off and Kurt walked me to the door. I kissed his cheek for the photographers and said goodnight. All in all it was a wonderful evening.

I should mention Kurt had met my father on the Thursday he signed the papers for Hollywood. Dad really liked him, who wouldn’t? Kurt was going to Harvard in the fall and would probably play football for them. After the Dad, boyfriend session which every boy must endure sometime in his life I felt more at ease dating Kurt. Whether or not my parents would let me date him again, only time would tell.

Chapter 16

Teen came out a month later and even I was excited to read about Amanda Flowers first prom. The article was well written and I could relive every moment in the story, the excitement waiting for my date, spending the time dressing and doing my makeup by myself, its so easy with Lush, yeah, right, the arrival of my carriage, the limo, and the entrance of my date. It was all very exciting for impressionable young girls. You would have thought I was going to lose my virginity as tension built to the innocent kiss on the cheek.

I almost laughed when I saw the pictures of me getting ready. You’d have thought I slaved all day making myself pretty. The intensity of my expression as I faked putting on my makeup had me in tears as it did, Cindy, who had brought the magazine with her. She was in tears laughing as I described what really took place all day Saturday, and how it looked in the magazine.

School ended several weeks later, which only increased my work schedule. I was becoming the hottest model wanted for photos and being associated with a product or clothing line. My prom dress was evidence of that as more than five knock offs invaded the market selling several hundred thousand copies. The unfortunate thing was that they called it the Amanda dress. The designer was starting lawsuits against any one calling it the Amanda. Copyrights are what they are.

I was spending more time flying from Sacramento than actually being engaged in actual work, and Mom has turned down several jobs because I wasn’t available. I think the hardest thing for me is not spending time with Cindy and since school ended, Kurt. He asked me out for dinner and I ran it by Mom and Dad.

It was the beginning of July and Kurt would be going away to make arrangements for housing and classes at Harvard in a week’s time, He called and asked me to dinner before he left. He mentioned that he missed me terribly since school had ended as we spent time every day together. I guess the old saying goes, first a friend and then a lover. I knew we couldn’t get too involved, but we had, slowly sliding toward that oh so dangerous place, love.

I know I’m only fourteen, but Kurt had gained a place in my heart and I didn’t know what to do about it? He’s much too mature for a girl like me, but I couldn’t help myself, I had fallen in love even though I didn’t really know what love was. We would meet everyday at school and he would walk me to classes. ‘You’re the most mature girl I’ve ever met’, he would say. I’d giggle and slap his arm and deny his compliment, but just the same I loved that he said what he did. There was never any pressure to kiss or do things that weren’t appropriate with a girl my age and as time passed, I knew Kurt was special. Sure, we’d hold hands or hug each other, but that wall was there to stifle any other thoughts running amok through our hormone charged brains. He respected me and he respected my parents and I loved him more because of it. I was just another girl, well kind of a famous girl, but one he wanted to be with and that was all. It was the conversation with my parents that changed everything I thought about what my life had become.

“Mom, Dad, I want to ask you something,” I said, just before sitting down for dinner.

“And what ever could my princess ever want?” Dad asked.

“Kurt’s going away to school and would like to take me out to dinner. Could I go?”

“Honey, you’re only fourteen, and I told you no dates,” Mom replied.

“But Mom, I’ll be fifteen next month and it’s not like we’re going to do this everyday. I want to see him one more time.”

“Rachael, Kurt’s a nice young man and I don’t see any reason why Amanda couldn’t go to dinner with him. I could think of worse things,” Dad said.

“Lance, you know why. Amanda’s just too young.”

“Mom, it’s only for dinner, please?” I pleaded.

“I don’t know, I don’t feel comfortable about it.”

“Mom, Kurt’s a nice guy.”

“I’m sure he is, it’s just that there are things about you that are special.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re a world famous model for starters.”

“That’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to go to dinner with someone very special to me.”

“Does he know about, Mark?” my father asked.

The room grew silent. You know the kind, where every sound disappears? I had been facing my mother, but when Dad said what he did, I almost got whiplash from my reaction.

“What did you say?” I asked.

“Does he know about, Mark?”

“Never mind about Kurt, how do you know about, Mark?” my mother asked.

“I’ve known about Mark for months,” Dad replied.

“But how?”

“My memory has been coming back and several months ago, I remembered Mark.”

“But why didn’t you say something?” Mom asked.

“Because I love having a daughter, and if I said something, I was afraid I’d lose her.”

My father loved me, the girl me. I went to him and put my arms around him and said, “I love you too, Dad.”

My mother wasn’t so accepting of this show of love for a father and his daughter.

“Do you know you’re the reason why Mark isn’t around anymore?”

Holy shit, what brought that on? I thought Mom liked me, the Amanda me.

“What are you talking about?” Dad asked.

“What I’m talking about is when you woke for the first time you asked where your daughter was. You had forgotten you had a son, but remembered your daughter.”

“And I still remember her,” Dad said, with a wink.

Dad was trying to make light of what he said, but Mom was having none of it.

“Do you? If we hadn’t stayed out so late you wouldn’t have fallen asleep on the way to work and none of this would have happened.”

“But Amanda was a model before the accident. She was who I remembered.”

“And Mark was still around.”

“Well I wasn’t the one to put mascara on his eyelashes,” Dad spit out.

“It was only for fun, not to change his sex, and you know it,” Mom said in retort.

“Stop!” I shrieked.

Mom and Dad looked at me as if I had lost my mind.

“Please, don’t do this,” I said, softly. “Mom, Dad, I like being a girl. There’s nothing wrong with it. If I had my druthers, sure I wish none of this had ever happened. I loved being a boy, but I love being a girl more. I love having a father that loves me as I am, his little girl, and I love having a mother that wants to protect her child, whether I’m a boy or girl, but Mom, you have to accept that your pretty, pretty, boy isn’t coming back. You have a daughter now and I hope you can finally accept that. We’ve done everything together since Dad’s accident and you’ve helped make me who I am now. I could never become a boy again, and I wouldn’t want to. Dad can take me fishing when he’s able, and I can still read the stream. Being a girl hasn’t changed that. I love you both, but please let me be who I’ve become.”

Mom had tears running from her eyes and Dad held me tighter.

“I love you sweetie,” Mom said.

“And I love you too”, Dad said. “That doesn’t resolve the question, does Kurt know about Mark?”

“Dad. You know he doesn’t.”

“And what do you propose to do about it?”

“Dad, Kurt is going off to college on the east coast and there is no reason for him to know. It’s just a dinner date, nothing more.”

“As much as I hate to do it, I’ll let you go, but no hanky panky,” Dad laughed.

“Dad, you are so yesterday,” I giggled.

What Dad had admitted shook me to the core. I love being Amanda having been her for more than a year. I no longer considered myself a boy, but the girl I had become. The thing that bothered me though, would I have started my puberty as a girl if I had known Dad knew about Mark. Would I have been so eager to have girlish curves or would I have gone back to being Mark part time? I guess that’s a question that will never be answered and as much as I love being my father’s little girl, I felt deceived. As much as I tried not to notice there was just a flicker of anger at him for not being absolutely honest with Mom and me. Maybe I would have started my puberty anyway, but it would have been nice to know what he knew.

I called Kurt and informed him of my parent’s decision to let me go to dinner with him. To say he was happy would be an understatement.

Kurt took me to a nice restaurant in Auburn, downtown. It wasn’t expensive, nor was it gourmet cuisine, but it was special because this was our first official date. I don’t count the dances, because they were kind of arraigned. This was quiet and romantic and I don’t think we ever stopped holding hands, except to eat. I wondered what Kurt had seen in me to want to date someone so much younger than himself?

“You’re not like other girls I’ve dated. You’re fun to talk to and to be honest wanting to date you was the best thing that could have happened to me. If I was able to take you out all the time, my schoolwork would have suffered. But since you couldn’t date I spent my time studying instead of hanging with my girlfriend. The more time we spent together at school the more I was falling for you. You’re a very special girl Amanda, and I’ll never forget you.”

As hard as I tried I couldn’t control the tears from running down my cheeks. I was truly falling in love.

Kurt had me home by eleven; the time Dad gave me for a curfew. Our last kiss was something I will put into the deepest part of my heart, and made me glad I was becoming a woman.

I was spending way too much time flying to Los Angeles for modeling sessions. Mom was thinking of renting an apartment so we wouldn’t have to fly home so often. Dad said he was okay with that, since he’s able to take care of himself. Dad has taken his recovery very seriously and is able to walk with the aid of his canes and almost as fast as I do. He still uses the hand controls in his car and you would hardly know he had been in the accident if it weren’t for the canes. We nixed the idea though because I would miss too much school and my tutor was for extended modeling sessions, not so I wouldn’t be inconvenienced.

I celebrated my fifteenth birthday with a small party at home. Cindy and her mother came to eat some cake. I was admonished not to eat too much because I had a figure to watch. Speaking of figures, my puberty seems to have accelerated in the last three months. I definitely have curves now, and even my breasts are noticeable. Tucking hasn’t been a problem and I have to admit I look very nice in a bikini.

I flew to New York for two shows and was paid an obscene amount of money for my appearance. There was something special walking the runway in the big apple and would be spending more time there than in Hollywood. If it wasn’t for the money, I would have refused, since I had already paid off my father’s medical bills and saved enough for seven years at Stanford. The best part of being in New York City was that Kurt was able to visit me on one of my assignments, but Mom wouldn’t allow us to go on an actual date. He took me to lunch, but Mom tagged along with us. I guess I’m still too young to date, alone.

School started and Mom put her foot down and said no more modeling that took more than two days away from school. We had to turn down several shows back east, but I’m kind of happy she did. I was getting burned out and wanted to spend time with Cindy and my friends at school.

Soccer season began and I made the team. Because of my height, I was goalkeeper. I would have rather played midfield, but coach asked if I would please use my height to an advantage. I said yes, so I became keeper.

When I played soccer when I was Mark, keeper was for the least athletic kid on the team, because they couldn’t run. Now at the high school level, being keeper was a whole different game. I had to be fast and have lightning reflexes to keep up with the game. I think it might be the hardest position on the team. As I became familiar with the position I ended up on the second all league team and I’m only a sophomore. I really enjoy doing something other than modeling. There are a number of girls at my school who ask if I’m having fun modeling, and tell me they wish they could be so lucky. I explain to them it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and it’s a lot more work than it is glamour. Of course they look at me as if I was nuts.

Speaking of soccer, I made a fantastic save one game, laying out horizontally to the field and punching the ball away for a save. Much to my chagrin someone had taken a picture of me doing it. Somehow the picture made its way to one of the gossip rags and the front page with the headline, AMANDA FLOWERS ALL AMERICAN SWEETHEART. Amanda Flowers, playing soccer for her school giving up her body for a save, not only is she a model, but an athlete too. Amanda in a game giving up her million-dollar body to save a score, what’s not to like about this girl?

Because of that photo, I was asked to model keeper gloves and shoes for a manufacturer. I thought they were joking but the amount paid told me differently. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to accept payment for my endorsement, so I donated the funds to the sport league my school is in. I’m just a high school girl playing soccer and yet because of my high visual personality, millions of girls wanted the same gloves and shoes as Amanda Flowers. Who cared if Amanda was just another player, she was Amanda.

Several designers wanted me to fly to New York and showcase their lines but Mom said no. Los Angeles was as far as we would go until the fashion week in Paris. That wouldn’t be until spring.

I’m still a straight A student and am aiming for a scholarship at Stanford. I know it’s still early, but I don’t want any mistakes that could cost me my dream.

I want to become a surgeon and know that means at least seven years of school. Even though I have enough money, I’d still like the feeling that I was good enough for a scholarship. Stanford is an incredibly expensive school, but worth every penny. A diploma from Stanford is like money in the bank, it opens doors like you can’t believe.

I guess I should talk about boy problems. I’m still not allowed to date, unless I double with someone I know, like, Melisa. This is her last year in high school and she still drives me to school. Since Kurt went away to school I haven’t dated anyway so dating hasn’t been a problem. For some reason no one has asked me out and for some reason it bothers me not to have been asked out by someone. Melisa says the boys at our school are intimidated by me and are afraid to be rejected by Amanda Flowers if they were to ask. Crazy huh?

I’ve been asked to run for homecoming queen from the sophomore class, which I accepted. The tradition has always been that the queen comes from the senior class and this year was no exception. I was a princess in the court and was escorted to the dance by one of the boys on the football team. His name is Randy Cummins and is a really nice boy. Yes he was the first boy to build enough nerve to ask, and only because Melisa told him I didn’t have a date. Before I was allowed to go to the homecoming dance with him, he had to meet my parents. Both Mom and Dad liked him. He was very polite when he met my parents and Dad seemed to like him very much. To be perfectly honest, he didn’t light a fire like Kurt did, but I still enjoyed his company. He asked me out again, but I explained my parents wouldn’t let me date just yet.

My contract with Lush was finished and they wanted me to renew for another two years. Mrs. Meyer agreed to terms that made my original contract pale in comparison. I would be a very rich young lady when I graduated from high school.

Cindy and her mom came to our house for Thanksgiving. Her father was away as usual and her mother has just about had it with the man. There have been too many indications that he’s been cheating on her, but as long as she has her cut of my income, she’ll be fine, actually more than fine.

It’s been more than a year since I started my puberty and my height has finally leveled off at five-nine and a half. I now have the curves I wanted, but I’m still not happy with my development. What girl ever is? I want the curves to be more noticeable but even I have to admit I’m a very impatient young lady. My legs have developed to the point where I no longer dislike them as they’ve become nicely shaped. I think back to when I compared them to Cindy’s when my career first started and remember how ugly I thought they were. They were like two pipes running from my body, with a joint where the knee is. Now they flow just like my best friend’s does, very nice.

I mentioned Paris, but forgot to tell you about Milan fashion week. I have been asked to model four lines in Milan in addition to promoting Lush. Paris was going to be my first time out of the country. Not bad for a girl from Colfax.

The show would mean I would miss two weeks of school, so a tutor would be flown with my mother and me to the shows. I won’t drag this out except to say it is the busiest time I’ve ever had in my life. Modeling and fitting in a full curriculum of school was putting me on edge with Mom and my teacher. I was tired and bitchy after three days of nothing but work and school.

The fashion week in Paris was in January so Mom and I flew to Paris several days before the show. Because I was going to miss school, although I had my tutor I was given an assignment to do a report on what I saw while I was in Paris.

My tutor is a nice woman named Mrs. Wright and she’s a retired high school math teacher and does this for extra money. She says it pays way more than straight teaching and she gets to travel. She’s also a strict taskmaster so there wasn’t any dilly- dallying with regards to my report. The rest of my subjects were a given, I would spent four hours a day studying. I guess you could call my report a journal and I reported everything we did from museums to cafes. It was a wonderful time in my life.

I modeled four lines of clothing, one each day of the show. I met some wonderful girls during each show and apparently they knew who I was because of my exposure with Lush. More than one girl asked if I really played soccer and wasn’t I worried I could ruin my career if I was to get injured? I assured them modeling wasn’t going to be my vocation when I graduated college and surgery was. They all thought I was crazy but it was my choice.

We returned home the day after the show ended and luckily it was on a weekend so all I did was sleep for two days. I’m exaggerating, I talked to Cindy and Ginny about how cool Paris was and then I slept. By the time Monday rolled around I was back to being Amanda James again.

Milan Fashion Week was toward the end of February and that’s when things changed in my life.

That puberty, ahh, what can I say about what it’s done to me? When I voiced my dissatisfaction of not having curves, I knew that I had all but buried Mark in the farthest corner of my brain.

Chapter 17

Mom, Mrs. Wright, and I flew to Italy, leaving Friday morning from SFO and landed Saturday morning. We were met at the airport by a limo service and brought to the Park Hyatt hotel. We were given a suite to stay in for the week, compliments of Lush.

Some say luck is made and not coincidence, which I must say has been part of my life to this point. It was luck that brought Cindy to see my lashes and hard work on Mrs. Meyers’ part to gain me my modeling career, hence luck for her was earned, and luck for me was coincidence. It was bad luck for my father to have his accident and good luck that I was able to pay for his medical bills and the best care possible. It has been good luck no one has figured out who Amanda Flowers is and I always wonder how much longer the deception will last? I feel that it has been hard work for me to finally accept that I’ve really become the girl I present. I doubt the hormones I now take have anything to do with the way I feel about myself as a woman. If that were the case, I would have never started my puberty to female in the first place. I can say that I feel very comfortable with my choice to have started that puberty over a year ago.

That puberty, ahh, what can I say about what it’s done to me? When I voiced my dissatisfaction of not having curves, I knew that I had all but buried Mark in the farthest corner of my brain. As a young woman I hated my boyish body and knew I had to do something about changing my figure. Taking hormones was the easy answer. I didn’t want to be a girl with silicone implants in my butt and on my chest. I was a woman and I wanted to be real. The results were obvious. Being just into my teens there were no male characteristics to over come, so I’ve developed like any other teen girl, wide hips, a small waist, and growing breasts. It has been the other changes I didn’t expect.

I’m not one of those girls that cries at the drop of a hat, but I have to admit I’m much more emotional than I was two years ago. I know I mentioned how much differently a kiss affects me now. The first time I was kissed by Kurt, it felt wonderful and felt right, after all I was a girl, isn’t that the way girls were supposed to feel? As I think about it though, every feeling I had was just what someone else had felt before me and said or written about. I was reacting from my brain and not from my heart. There was no wanting more, except that was what I was supposed to feel, but didn’t really feel it at all. It was real life, but felt as though I was acting on a stage, kiss, get excited and wish for more because that was how I was supposed to feel. It was the kiss after I started hormones that told what I had failed to see before. They were changing me in ways that couldn’t be seen and no one had told me would happen. Yes the kiss was nice, more than nice, but what it did to me was beyond anything I had ever known. The feelings that came from within, not my brain, but my whole body, told me I was becoming a woman, and I would never want to become a boy again. That was the power of hormones, not the changing body, but the changing person.

Getting back to luck and the lack of it and whether luck is made or not. The limo had just picked Mom and me up to drive us to the exhibition hall for my first showing for a designer known all around the world. There had been an accident between a delivery van and a high-end car, blocking the street where we had to go. Traffic refused to move so we sat for ten minutes before Mom suggested we walk the remaining block to the venue. Because of the insulation and thick glass in the car we hadn’t noticed the noise outside the limo. There were sirens and horns honking, swearing and general mayhem in every direction. Mom explained to the driver we would walk so as not to be late for my assignment. The day was blustery and cold and I was glad I had decided to wear jeans and a sweater to keep warm. I would be wearing enough fine dresses in an hour so the need to look as feminine as possible was the farthest thing from my mind. I knew during that same hour I would have five inch heels on my feet too, so my Nike cross trainers fit the bill as far as I was concerned.

We walked about a half of a block before all Hell broke loose. A delivery van screeched to a halt going in the opposite direction of the traffic accident. The street, really a boulevard, had a traffic island splitting the road causing the traffic on each side to go in opposite directions. We would later find out the accident was staged just to create the chaos, taking place on the boulevard where we were walking. Mom and I stopped to watch as two men ran across the street toward us. Mom was pushed to the ground when they reached us and I was grabbed under my arms by each man and dragged toward the van. What the men hadn’t counted on was the police coming the wrong way in the opposite lane from the accident. The police officers saw the kidnapping attempt taking place in front of them. They pulled the police vehicle in front of the kidnappers van and exited the car, weapons drawn. One of the men let go of my arm, but the other pivoted behind me drawing a pistol and held it to my head. The conversation was in Italian, but I’ll translate it anyway.

“Stop,” one police officer yelled.

The kidnapper that had let go of me threw himself on the ground, not wanting anything else to do with the confrontation. He was giving up and wanted to live another day.

“You stop, or I’ll shoot her,” the man with the pistol yelled back at the police.

“Don’t make it any worse than it already is,” came the reply.

“Lower your weapons, or I swear to God, I’ll kill her.”

“Don’t be so sure,” a voice said, from behind the kidnapper.

I felt the arm around my neck loosen and the pistol lower from my head. Turning, I saw an undercover policeman holding a pistol to the kidnapper’s head.

“Hand me your weapon and get on the ground,” he ordered.

The man complied and both men and the van were surrounded by police officers. Mom came running to my side as my tears ran from my eyes. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. Tough as nails, Amanda James had been taken hostage and there was nothing I could have done. If luck hadn’t reared its beautiful head, who knows what would have happened to me?

Mom held me and kept repeating, “My baby, my baby.”

It took an hour for the police to take my statement. Being so close to the exhibition hall the show was held up until the excitement died down. I was able to take part, but the excitement I had felt for the show was gone. I was now a person that could be stolen and the reward would be great for my return.

Mom decided, and my agents agreed I would now need a bodyguard when I was traveling away from home. It sounded exciting, but it really did suck. The thought that I would be watched every moment from now forward was like having ice cold water thrown in your face. I feel as though I’m losing control of my life.

The bodyguard hired by the agency is a woman named Sofia Lorenz. Thank God they sent a woman, as I didn’t want some man watching every move I made.

Sofia is a real sweetheart and I wondered what a woman standing only five seven could do to protect me? She said she was well trained in self-defense and protecting me was her only priority even giving up her life if need be. I personally thought that was pretty dramatic, but I wasn’t going to argue. The next day I would learn she meant business and was not to be taken lightly.

We were walking to my second show when a tall man, maybe six three and very well built rushed toward me. He was a fan, but Sofia didn’t know, nor did I. In less than a second the poor guy was on his back with a pistol in his face.

“Don’t even twitch a muscle,” Sofia ordered.

“I only wanted an autograph,” came the reply.

“Then you should have asked politely,” Sofia responded.

“I meant no harm.”

By this time the police were surrounding Sophia, and the poor guy on the ground. Sofia pulled her weapon from his face and returned it to her holster. Rising to her feet, she looked at me and smiled. “Does this answer your concerns?”

I was blown away by how quickly Sofia had put the threat away. She was good, like lightning fast, good. I think I could get used to having her around.

Sofia was working for a protection service in the US, which explained her perfect English when she spoke. She had just finished with an assignment in Rome and was asked to protect me. She figured a few more days of work in Italy wouldn’t hurt her pocket book so she agreed to be my keeper till the end of the show. Sofia moved her luggage into my room and slept on a bed provided by the hotel for unexpected guests, read, rollaway.

After the incident with the man I talked to Sofia before we went to bed. I had to learn more about this woman who had so easily subdued a man much larger than her.

We had returned to our suite and Mom had ordered tea from room service, as was our custom before we went to sleep for the night. Sofia was sitting by the door to the suite, still in her working clothes. Because of the assignment, that meant a suit with a skirt because of the venue. The only compromise was wearing low-heeled pumps so as not to restrict her movements if needed.

“Sofia, come sit with us?” Mom asked.

“That’s okay, Mrs. James, no need for me to get too comfortable.”

“Nonsense, I think any threat will have a hard enough time getting by the front desk, let alone the hotel security. I know Amanda is dying to ask you where you learned to take out a man like that?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please,” I answered.

“I’ll change into something more comfortable and then I’ll tell you my history. Don’t let anyone in the room, not even room service until I return.”

“Okay.”

Sofia opened her suitcase and withdrew a pair of flannel pajamas. Useful and to the point, I liked her even more as she went into the bathroom to change.

Sofia’s pajamas were loose fitting, but not enough to hang loosely on her body. She moved silently toward the chair opposite Mom and I with the grace of a cat.

She lowered herself onto the chair, moving like a duchess and asked, “So what would you like to know about me?”

“Where did you learn to fight like that? Could you teach me?” I asked, excitedly. Obviously some of part of Mark was showing as I asked the question.

“Are you serious, a pretty girl like you wanting to know how to fight?”

“I kind of know how already. I fought the school bully when I started my new school and haven’t been bothered since,” I laughed.

“You did? You’re much to pretty to be doing something like that. You could injure yourself.”

“That’s what my Dad said after I started modeling. I came home with a cut lip and he told me I could ruin my career before it started. I kicked the bully’s ass though. I learned a long time ago if I stood up to a bully they wouldn’t bother me. My dad and I used to box all the time before I started modeling. It was fun and it taught me how to take care of myself.”

“Good for you,” she laughed, “ now let me tell you a little about myself. I was born in Wisconsin and was the only girl in the family. I have four brothers, all older, because Mom wanted a girl and said she would keep trying until she got one. Growing up with four older brothers toughens a girl and when I graduated from high school, I enlisted in the Army. One thing led to another so I joined the Rangers and made it through the program. I was only eighteen at the time. After serving my time in the military I went to work for the agency I work for now. It’s dangerous duty, but I love it and protecting people is what I do. Other than the obvious, how did you get into modeling?”

“Just by accident. My best friend’s mother was a model and she got me this job, so here I am.”

“Do you do anything else?”

“Just school, oh, and I play soccer.”

“Are you, any good?”

“I made second team all league.”

“You must be good. What position do you play?”

“Keeper.”

“I played forward. I feel for you, keeper is a hard position.”

“I don’t mind and it helps that I’m tall.”

The room phone rang and Sofia answered it.

“Hello.”

“Yes this is Sofia. Ugh huh, ugh huh, are you sure, thanks; I’ll let them know. Let me know what you want me to do.”

Sofia lowered the phone with a very worried look on her face.

“That was my boss in New York City. He just finished talking with the police here in Milan and the news isn’t good.”

“Why, what’s wrong?” Mom asked, with a worried look on her face.

“It seems that these thugs that tried to kidnap you were hired by someone back home, in the States. They were paid to kidnap you and hold you for ransom. The amount was to be ten million dollars. They were going to keep six million for their trouble and the remaining four million was to be wired to and account in the Cayman Islands. Even though these guys were captured the real threat still remains, free to do what ever he wishes, even trying to abduct Amanda again when she returns home.”

“What should we do?” Mom asked, clearly shaken by this news.

“I don’t know about you Mrs. James, but I think I should be hired for a bit longer than just for this trip. I like Amanda and to be honest I thought watching her would be nothing more than an exercise in putting up with a petulant spoiled brat. I couldn’t have been more wrong with my preconceived notion. Amanda’s a lovely girl and I can see she’s tough too. If you decide to extend my contract after we return home, I’d be delighted to continue watching Amanda.”

The show ended two days later and Sofia was able to get a ticket on the same plane as us, but in a different location in first class. Thus began my life with Sofia, which wouldn’t end until I graduated from college. She became a big sister for all intents and purposes.

As much as I like Sofia, it was becoming a drag having her watch my every move. As with everything there was bad with the good. The good part was that the paparazzi now had to stay far away from me, but the bad was not having a free moment of time for myself. Luckily we have a spare bedroom at home so Sofia moved in with us. I now had to be on my guard more than ever to escape detection of my hidden secret. As time went by, Sofia and I became like sisters. I think she enjoyed passing her wisdom to a young impressionable girl. Mom was more than pleased with our new guest as dating was now almost impossible, even if I was to date; I had my very own chaperone to make sure nothing happened to me, drat.

As with any relationship, ours, Sofia’s and mine took time to develop. Our routine was for her to drive me to school, drop me off and then spend her time waiting for me to finish the day, usually around five-thirty and drive me home, or to friends, or shopping. Depending on where we went, Melisa or Ginny would be involved. Because of having a bodyguard, Melisa rode with me everyday in our car, which saved gas for her. The only time she drove herself was when she had something else to do. I no longer have a boyfriend, because Kurt is now enrolled at Harvard, and with the addition of Sofia, boys haven’t asked me out. I guess it’s just as well, as Mom said,” Boys are nothing but trouble for a pretty girl like you”.

I won Homecoming princess again and had no date this year. Brandon Jennings, one of the co captains on the football team, escorted me to the dance. Sofia was courteous enough to stay in the background, but I always felt her presence. It was comforting to know I was being watched and I would be safe should anything happen to me. There was a big show made of the dance in the press, but I informed the writers that there was no love interest with Brandon. Of course when the gossip rags came out more than a few references were made that I was free to date anyone I wanted, like that was going to happen? I was too busy trying to keep up with school, soccer, and my job. Even though we had backed off a little, I still found myself flying to Los Angeles twice a month.

Dad has improved a lot. He hardly has to use his canes anymore and he says he owes his success all to his beautiful daughter. Dad laughed at the gagging sound I made.

I should mention that Dad and I had a long discussion about losing Mark and gaining Amanda. It started with an innocent question from Dad.

“Honey, do you like doing this?”

“Doing what, Dad?”

“You know, being Amanda?”

Dad had a strange look on his face, almost like he was going to cry or be sick.

“I love being Amanda, Dad. Why would you ask?”

“Because I feel responsible for who you’ve become. If I hadn’t injured myself maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation and Mark would still be here.”

“Do you miss, Mark?”

Dad was quiet for a moment and defeat crossed his face.

“Yes, I do. I miss the boy time we used to spend together. Don’t take this the wrong way sweetheart, I love you dearly, but there’s a special bond that a father and son have that’s gone now. I miss that. The funny thing though is I love you so much as my daughter, that I couldn’t imagine losing you. If it weren’t for you, I’d never have regained my life as it is today. When I woke from my coma and my little girl wasn’t there, I panicked. I didn’t know what had happened to me, and the thought of you being in an accident with me turned my world upside down. When you visited with your mother, it was the happiest day of my life. All I knew was that I had a daughter and she was the most precious thing in the world to me.”

“But what about Mark?”

“When I remembered the, Mark, you, all I could think of was losing my daughter. You had taken my heart from the boy I loved so dearly. I know I was wrong not to have told you that I remembered Mark, but at the time I couldn’t bare to think of losing you. I love you so much Amanda, and watching my little girl become a woman, I know I did the right thing. I just hope you feel the same way?”

“Oh Daddy, I do. I love being Amanda and when I’m old enough I want to become a complete woman. I love you Dad.”

Dad and I hugged both of us in tears. The more I thought about it the more I realized my father was man enough to cry and not be ashamed.

Sofia has been with us for about two months now and we still hardly speak other than the usual hi and how are you conversations. She informs us as to how the investigation into the kidnap is going but other than that it’s business as usual.

It was on the ride home one day when Melisa had something to do and Sofia and I were alone. Normally we wouldn’t talk except for the “Hi, how was your day,” type of thing.

I was surprised when she asked, “Do you like doing this modeling thing?”

“Umm, yes, why do you ask?”

“Because you seem so unlike a model. You’re more like a normal teenaged girl than a fashion icon.”

“What’s a fashion icon?”

“You know, a leader in your field, the person everyone wants to be.”

“No one wants to be me. I’m just a girl in high school. I’m not really Amanda Flowers, she’s just someone that models things.”

“When I was your age, I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to be a girly girl, but my brothers wouldn’t let me, and besides, I’m not pretty enough anyway.”

“You’re pretty,” I said.

Sofia was pretty in her own way. Not drop dead gorgeous but I’ve noticed her turning her fair share of men’s heads. She has a figure to die for, nice hips, a tiny waist and a little above average size breasts. Sofia is a very attractive woman, just not model pretty.

“Thanks, but, I’ve seen myself in a mirror and these scars don’t help,” she said pointing at her face.

“They aren’t that noticeable, in fact you wouldn’t even notice them with a little makeup,” I responded.

“I hate makeup. I guess that came from being an Army Ranger, after all, what kind of Ranger would wear makeup?’ she laughed.

“A pretty one?”

“Yeah right, all I would have had to have done was slather a bunch of eye shadow on and really had my ass kicked, it was hard enough being a girl in the old boy’s fraternity.”

“You should really think about it, you’d really turn some heads.”

“I think I’ll just be me, no harm intended.”

“You know, you’ll have to do something with yourself when we go to some awards banquet, after all you’ll be on the red carpet with me.”

“If I have to, so tell me, how did you get into modeling? Your mother doesn’t seem to be the type of person to make her daughter become the face of Lush Cosmetics?”

“It was by accident. You’ve met my friend Cindy, well her mother was a model once, and she got Cindy into modeling. Her mother asked her if she knew anyone pretty enough to become a model and she told her I was and my career took off from there.”

Sofia looked at me with a quizzical look on her face.

“Why would Cindy’s mom ask that if she was your best friend? I would think her mother would have noticed your beauty herself?”

Oh crap, what corner have I just painted myself into? I had to think of something, but I didn’t know what, so I made a decision to come clean with Sofia, if she could be trusted. If she knew the truth it would be much easier to hide my secret. As it was, with Sofia living with us, I had to be extra careful with every move I made.

“Sofia, I have to ask you something. How does this bodyguard thing work? Did you have to sign a nondisclosure thing, you know promise not to tell anyone what I do?”

“That’s standard procedure in our field. I’m almost like a doctor or a lawyer. I can’t say anything about you that you don’t want me to, or my agency could be sued.”

“Are you absolutely positive you can’t say anything to anybody if I tell you something very personal about me?”

“Absolutely. If I did you could put our agency out of business and I wouldn’t have a job. Listen Amanda, this job means everything to me, and if I have to protect you with my life I will and that includes your secrets, so you have no worry as to what you might tell me, or what I see. I won’t even tell your parents if you don’t want them to know what you’re doing, but let me make one thing clear, I won’t put up with you breaking the law. I might not say anything, but I will quit my job watching you and I’d hate to be you if you had to explain why I quit. Your parents watch you like a hawk and I can tell by the girl you are that they don’t put up with any nonsense. Children are examples of how they’re raised, and I can tell strict loving parents raised you. You’re a very lucky girl. Now what do you want to tell me?”

“I’m a boy.”

From the reaction on Sofia’s face, I think I could have knocked her down with a feather.

“Amanda, you’re joking?”

“I’m not. That’s why Mrs. Meyer didn’t notice me right away. It was only after Cindy told her about the game my mom and I played that she discovered Amanda Flowers and the girl I’ve become for my career.”

“Surely your parents wondered about the decision for you to become a female model?”

“Yes, at first. Mom didn’t want me to do it, she was afraid it would ruin my life. Dad was also opposed to it but after we signed the first contract with Lush Cosmetics they agreed to let me be a girl for the photo shoots but be a boy the rest of the time. I was fine with that because I really liked being a boy. My life changed after my father was in an accident and was in a coma and lost his memory. When he woke from the coma he asked for his daughter and no longer remembered his son. That was a reason to become Amanda everyday, plus Mrs. Meyer said if anyone found out about Mark James, I would no longer be able to model. I changed schools and attended as Amanda James from the first day. Some of the students recognized me, as being Amanda Flowers so there was no way for me to become Mark again unless I quit modeling. I love modeling and the longer I’ve been a girl I love being me. My friend Cindy said I’ve always been a girl inside even when I was trying to be Mark. After living as Amanda, I have to agree with her. I’ve always been a girl inside. I no longer want to be a boy again and as a woman I can follow my dreams just as well as a girl.”

“What dreams are those?”

“I want to go to Stanford and become a surgeon.”

“And you think that dream will come true?”

“You bet. I’ve already put enough money aside for as many years as it will take plus a lot more besides. I probably could remain modeling for years, but that’s not what I want. Becoming a surgeon means more to me than anything.”

“Wow, that’s quite a story Amanda, and I can see where you wouldn’t want your secret known. You can trust me, and as far as you’re concerned, I doubt that I could ever think of you as a boy. You’re just too pretty, but I have to ask, where did you get your curves. Your figure definitely isn’t a boy’s figure.”

“I’ve been on hormones for over a year, and you can see the result. I’m still changing and I wish I had a figure like you.”

“Spoken like a younger sister. Don’t worry, you’ll get curves like mine and believe me they are hard to keep. I’m sure you notice I work out all the time when I’m not with you. If I didn’t, I’d look like a blimp.”

“Thank God, I’m able to play soccer. It keeps me fit.”

“Yes it does, but there is some risk to you playing. If a ball was to hit your face it could damage your career.”

“I’m not worried. I’m pretty good at blocking the ball with my hands.”

“Just the same, you be careful and thank you for sharing your secret with me. If you ever want to talk about it and your wanting to be a girl, I’m here for you Amanda.”

“Thanks Sofia, but I think I have the girl thing pretty much covered.”

“Then consider me a big sister that you can come to and cry about the boy who just left you.”

“Are you serious? I’ll never cry over a boy.”

“Don’t be so sure,” she laughed.

“Even if I do, it won’t be for a while. I’m not allowed to date until I turn sixteen and that’s over a half of a year away.”

“Thank God. I’d worry myself sick watching you with a boy.”

“I’d behave,” I said innocently.

“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about the boy. You’re very pretty and it wouldn’t take much for a boy to overstep your boundaries. The good news though, is that I’ll be there to protect you.”

“Oh goody, I get to have big sister going on my dates with me, oh the shame I have to put up with,” I giggled.

“You’re going to be a hand full young lady.”

When I told Sofia my secret, thought she would go ballistic, but I was wrong. She barely flinched when I said I was a boy, but maybe the reason was that she never met Mark James. To be honest, with my figure, I can see where she would never ever think of me as a boy. I don’t even think I’m one either, my wanting curves proved that to me. I guess you could say I’m just an average teenage girl, with a face recognized by millions of girls my age. I’m also a girl without a boyfriend, oh well maybe next year.

“Sofia, it’s fun and you’re going to look so pretty, and I have to go, and you’re my bodyguard, so you might as well make the best of it and let your beauty shine.”

“Pretty I don’t need. What do you think my old Army buddies will say if they see me?”

“They’ll wonder how they could have overlooked the fox that was kicking their ass,” I laughed.

“God, I knew I would hate this job,” she lamented.

Chapter 18

I’ve been asked to attend the Golden Globes but not as someone’s date. I guess I’m no longer considered arm candy, so Sofia would be my escort. Poor girl wasn’t happy when I explained that she would have to wear a designer dress, heels and have a makeover. Yup, she wasn’t happy camper.

“How can you ask me to do something so against my beliefs,” she whined.

“Sofia, it’s fun and you’re going to look so pretty, and I have to go, and you’re my bodyguard, so you might as well make the best of it and let your beauty shine.”

“Pretty I don’t need. What do you think my old Army buddies will say if they see me?”

“They’ll wonder how they could have overlooked the fox that was kicking their ass,” I laughed.

“God, I knew I would hate this job,” she lamented.

“Come on Sofia, its not that bad. I do it several times a month for the cameras. You can do it, just once?” I pleaded.

“How can I say no to such a pathetic little girl, alright, I’ll go, but if some guy makes a pass at me, both you and he will be sorry,” she growled.

“Yes,” I said, with a fist pump and giggled at the scowl on Sofia’s face.

I won’t go into the daylong makeover Sofia and I experienced the day of the award show, but suffice to say Sofia cleans up real nice. The makeup people did wonders to cover her scars and the mid thigh dress she wore left no doubt she had killer legs hiding under those drab trousers she has always worn. She even managed four-inch heels during the walk down the red carpet and the party afterward. She might have complained before the show, but I think she enjoyed the attention she got from more than a few men. Sofia might sound tough, but I think she enjoys being that girl, she missed living with her four brothers. I didn’t miss her blushes, when one or more handsome men approached her. It’s nice to see a girly side of my tough bodyguard.

* * *

In a dark office above gentleman’s club in Las Vegas a light skinned man was talking on the phone. Sweat was dripping from his chin onto his obese waist as the demands were being made from the other end of the conversation. The demands of living the life of a club owner was apparent from the disgusting weight carried by the out of shape man.

Dan Fountain had bought ‘Legs’ gentleman’s club ten years previously with ill-gotten funds embezzled from a union trust fund and disappeared as quickly as the funds had. When he took ownership of the club he weighed around one hundred seventy pounds, or thirty pounds more than his five foot seven frame should carry. He quickly fell into the roll of club owner, sleeping from dawn until dusk and then living the life of harem owner. Exercise was a foreign word in his vocabulary, other than demanding sexual favors from the entertainers in his club.

Dan loved his food and booze and over then next ten years his weight grew to more than three hundred pounds. Sweating and labored breathing had become a fact of life with Dan, and so did the disgust of having to service him when he wanted to break in a new girl. Dan wasn’t well loved, but then again what slave master is?

“Look, I’ll get the money for you, I just need a little more time,” Dan said.

“You don’t have a little more time, two weeks, or you’re dead, and I want all of it, seven million, not a penny less.”

“But I only borrowed four, and there was a million interest,” Dan whined.

“That was when the loan was due, now it’s seven and I want it two weeks from today.”

The phone went dead and Dan lowered his handset to the cradle, his white pasty hand quivering like Jell-O. Dan knew the reputation of the man whom he had borrowed the money from and he didn’t want the agony of a slow tortuous death as repayment of the loan.

If only the kidnapping in Naples had gone off as planned he wouldn’t be in this mess. He would still have had a million dollars left after paying the loan shark back east, but no, the idiots he hired had failed in the attempt. Now he would have to grab the girl here in the states which made his involvement much more visible. Unfortunately the job had to be done quickly and the only person he could call was the same person that had fucked up so badly in Naples. He could do the job himself, but he wasn’t a kidnapper or killer and was smart enough to know his limitations. He was a club owner and knew what the men who frequented his club wanted, as did he, and killing some dumb broad wasn’t it. Now, if he could talk the cunt into a blowjob then he’d be a happy camper, but she was nothing more than a big pile of money as far as he was concerned. Unfortunately for him, after he split the ransom with the loan shark and then with the guys doing the actual grunt work, he’d be lucky to walk away with his pants. At least his dick would be intact and he would still have his life when this was finally over.

He picked up the phone and dialed a number. The phone on the other end rang until it went to answering.

“You know the drill, leave a number and who you are and I’ll return your call, Maybe.”

“Marco, This is Dan Fountain and I have a job for you, call me.”

Dan disconnected the phone, unzipped his pants, called on the intercom for Candi, his newest treat to come to his office and waited for Marco Costas to return his call.

* * *

Sofia has become a very good friend and I should mention she now attends school with me. When this whole bodyguard thing started she would drop me off and do her thing until school let out in the afternoon. Since she was being paid, that meant wandering the school or sitting in the car for the time I was in class or at practice. There were complaints from several parents of other students that they didn’t like anyone loitering around the school. We had a conference with the principal and it was decided that Sofia would stay with me for the whole school day, classes included. To say that went over like a fart in a perfume factory would be an understatement. Sofia was pissed but finally crumbled to the wishes of her agency and some prodding from me.

“I won’t do it,” she said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I’m too old to be going to school again, especially high school.”

“You’re only twenty-eight. I realize you’ll be retiring soon and collecting social security, but I’m sure you could pass for forty,” I laughed.

“I could pass for eighteen if I wanted,” she said.

“Yeah, right,” I answered sarcastically.

“I know what you’re doing Amanda, and it won’t work. I’m not going to attend school with you.”

“Fine, be a quitter. Go back to an easy job somewhere else. I thought I was more important to you than this,” I yelled, as the tears started to fill my eyes.

My feelings for Sofia were coming to the surface. She didn’t realize what an impact she had made on my life and the sisterly feelings I had for her. She was almost as close to me as Cindy and the thought of losing her was devastating.

“Alright, I’ll do it, but only because I love you Amanda. If you were like any other of the brats I’ve watched before, I would have been out of here, but you’re not, you’re a lovely young lady.”

I ran and hugged Sofia for as long as she would let me, which wasn’t long. Sofia wasn’t one to show physical emotions, but she did hug back.

I kind of described Sofia before but what I didn’t mention was that she looked young. Even though she was twenty-eight, she looked ten years younger and could easily pass for a high school student. The thing that made her look older was her clothing. She almost always wore pantsuits or jeans, always looking like a bodyguard. She had a very professional look about her and you could tell she meant business. Now we were asking her to abandon the professional look and become a student, well a faux one, but a student just the same. That was the reason for her out burst.

The weekend after I convinced Sofia to become a student, she had a makeover. Her idea of going to a salon was to have her hair cut enough to take the split ends off, pay the twenty dollars and be on her way. The word style wasn’t even in her dictionary.

I had a photo shoot in San Francisco, which meant I had to be pampered by the stylists provided by whom ever was paying for the shoot. The way these things work is that I would get a whole makeover when I arrived, I’d model for several pictures, have my makeup done over and over as the shoot progressed. The stylists would sit around and wait for me to finish with each set of pictures and then go back to work on me. Since they weren’t doing anything anyway during their down time, I talked them into working on Sofia while they waited for me, hence she had a very private makeover and it didn’t cost her a dime.

I explained that I wanted her to look like a high school student and not some glammed out model. Her hair was styled and her makeup done with age in mind. The finished product blew me away. Sofia was cute, very cute, and looked to be seventeen if she was a day.

She scowled at me when the stylist finished. She hated wearing makeup, until she looked in the mirror. The scowl left her face when she saw the innocent teen girl looking back at her. She didn’t smile, nor did she frown. I didn’t know how she would react, and then I saw the tear run down her cheek, followed by a beautiful smile. Sofia was pleased.

* * *

Dan answered the phone on the second ring.

“Dan Fountain.”

“Hey Dan, you called?”

Dan knew Marco’s voice from the many special jobs Dan had asked him to do over the last few years.

“Marco, glad you called back. I have something for you to do and I don’t want it fucked up like the last one you did for me.”

“That wasn’t my fault. I was told the people in Italy were competent, but I was wrong. What do you need?

“The same thing, except the girl’s home and I need her to disappear and you have a week and a half to get the job done. I can’t afford any more fuckups.”

“Look I’m sorry, but if the job is here, I’ll have a lot more control than a job in bum fuck Egypt.”

“You’d better because this is a matter of life and death. The payoff will be three million dollars for you and however you want to split it is your business.”

“It’s the same girl?”

“Yes, she goes to school in Auburn California so it should be easy for you. I don’t know where she lives except for the town near her school. Get your guys and get your butt out to the West Coast and finish the job.”

“What do you want me to do with the girl?”

“After we get the money, get rid of her. I don’t care how you do it, dump her off some where or kill her, it’s up to you.”

“I’ll call the guys and we’ll be on a plane before nine tonight.”

* * *

Sofia might have been attending school with me, but she wasn’t doing the work I had to do in class. She spent most of her time reading novels in the back of the class. All the other students knew she was protecting me from harm, so her non-attention to studies was understood. Sofia even made friends with some of the other girls in school. I had mentioned that she was very pretty after her makeover and was having the expected reactions from some of the boys, which although flattering, made her wonder about the wise choice she had made. Luckily for the male students she didn’t have to let them know in no uncertain terms that she was off limits, her verbal jibes were enough of a deterrent.

“He’s cute and I think he likes you,” Melisa mentioned to Sofia as we walked to the car for our ride home.

“Melisa, I’m twenty- eight years old and wanting to date a boy ten years my junior isn’t something I would even consider. The idea makes me shudder.”

“Come on Sofia, you’d look good together.”

“Melisa, please, let it go. I have absolutely no interest,” she replied, constantly scanning the area around us.

As we reached the car, Sofia visibly stiffened.

“Girls, get in the car. I think I’d like to go shopping,” she said, watching the traffic passing slowly on street in front of the school.

What raised Sofia’s awareness, was the appearance of a dark blue SUV driving in the line of traffic congested with the students running for their rides home. It was like any other SUV, the kind you rent at an airport, midsized, dark in color, clean and shiny with minor scratches on the doors. It was driven by a man with a dark complexion and recently styled hair. He was above average in height, his head almost touching the roof. His passenger was shorter, probably Asian and was wearing a shirt with a tie and no coat. They were both watching intently as they drove. Sofia wouldn’t have even noticed the car, except that it had driven by just a minute earlier in the opposite direction. Maybe it was nothing, but it wasn’t her place to make that kind of judgment and her training told a whole different story. The first clue as to who they were was the slow speed they drove and re-appearance minutes later going the opposite direction. The second was the occupants, two men in line with cars containing a driver only, waiting for their child. Sofia knew who and what they were, only now she had to find out if they were after Amanda, or some other unfortunate student.

Sofia started the car and drove slowly from the student’s parking lot. She turned right at the street and headed toward the left turn lane at the intersection, The divider island in the middle of the street prevented drivers from turning left across the lanes of traffic. Before the island was added several traffic accidents had injured more than one student as drivers failed to look each direction before crossing the street.

Sofia made a U turn at the signal and proceeded toward the shopping mall two miles from the school. I noticed that she was checking the rearview mirror more than usual.

“Sofia, is something wrong?” I asked.

“Just doing my job, not to worry,” she replied.

But I did worry. It hadn’t been that long since Milan and having a bodyguard made forgetting that much harder to do.

Sofia drove into the parking lot and proceeded to the Target end of the mall, driving up and down the lanes as if she was looking for a parking spot near the stores, passing ones that were open that wouldn’t require much of a walk.

“Girls, we’re being followed and I’m not sure what the guys are going to do. They probably aren’t going to do anything today, but I want you to be aware and do everything exactly as I ask you to do.”

“We’re being followed, why?” Melisa asked.

“I don’t know, maybe they’re just paparazzi, or they could be something worse, I don’t know. Don’t worry, I won’t allow anything to happen to you girls.”

My body went numb recalling the close call I had in Milan. I’m not much of a crier but when Mom threw her arms around me after the attempted abduction, I could barely contain myself. It was the most I had ever cried and the relief of being saved from the thugs was more than I could bare. I’m not sure if the tears were from fear or relief and I didn’t want to go through the same thing again.

“Is this like one of those TV shows with bad guys and everything?” Melisa asked excitedly.

“No, Melisa, it’s not. I might be wrong, but I’m trained for this sort of thing so we’re going to go into the mall and just act as though we’re just three high school girls shopping.”

“I love shopping, especially with danger,” Melisa laughed.

“Melisa, it’s not funny. I was almost taken and that’s why Sofia is here now.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not everyday we have bad guys in Auburn. You know how I love mystery novels and I didn’t think I’d be living one.”

“You might not be, but we’ll see. Let’s go,” Sofia said.

We exited the car and walked to the mall, three teen girls on a mission. The look was perfect, as Sofia had decided to wear a denim mini skirt today, which showed off her gorgeous legs to the maximum. There was no doubt that had prompted Melisa’s remark about some boy being in love with Sofia. I just wish Sofia was more conscious about her looks. She really is a very pretty woman, scars and all.

We walked to the mall and entered through the large row of glass doors. When they closed Sofia turned and looked back toward the parking lot to see if either of the men followed us. The Asian one did. The driver stayed with the SUV, parking several rows away from our car. She didn’t say anything to us, knowing that we would turn around at every chance we had to see who the bad guy was, if he was even a bad guy.

We spent about an hour exploring the usual stores, spending a half of an hour at Forever 21 trying on several outfits girls our age wore. Even Sofia seemed to be caught up in the fun, but refused to try anything on, not wanting to let us out of her sight, should she enter the changing room.

“You’d look good in this,” Melisa said to Sofia, holding a very short lacy dress in her hands.

Sofia took the dress from Melisa and held it in front of herself, smiled and handed it back.

“Only if I was ten years younger,” she laughed.

“I don’t know why you keep saying that Sofia, you look like any other girl in our school and it would look really nice on you.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Absolutely.”

“Maybe next time I’ll try it on, but we have to go now. Did you want to buy anything?”

“I’d like this mini,” I replied.

“Well hurry, we have to get Melisa home.”

I purchased the cute skirt and we headed back to the car. Sofia would stop and look in the windows of the stores we had already passed and I wondered why.

“Sofia, we already looked in these stores. Why do you keep stopping?” I asked.

“Just observing, Amanda, not to worry.”

I finally got it. Sofia was looking at the reflection off the glass to see if we were still being followed, we were, and not be obvious that she was tracking the Asian man who was fifty feet away.

We reached the car and Melisa rode in back with me in front, Sofia driving.

“Girls, I want you to listen to me carefully. First I want you to act as though nothing is happening, we’re just three girls returning home from shopping. Don’t start looking around like you’re trying to find a lost treasure because I don’t want these guys to know I’ve spotted them. I’m going to drive from the mall and I’ll lose them before I drive you home. What I do will seem strange since we’ll be driving a different way home. Remember, I’m the professional and everything will be okay.”

“God, this is so much fun,” Melisa giggled excitedly.

Sofia started the car’s motor, put the transmission in drive and pulled forward from the parking space. I should mention that I had bought a BMW X5 SUV so Mom or any other family member could drive us in style, plus I thought the car was cool. Sofia liked it because it had the handling package and the V8 engine that was as powerful as just about any car on the road.

We exited the shopping center and drove toward old town, the buildings left over from the gold rush days and on the other side of I-80. Sofia didn’t rush, nor did she give any indication that she knew we were being followed. I thought she would have used the handling and speed of the car to lose the men. I was wrong, she just took her time driving slowly in the right hand lane heading toward town. I didn’t realize it at the time that she was timing the signals, getting closer and closer to the yellow and red lights. She finally timed her speed just right and barely made it through a yellow light before it turned red. She looked in the rearview mirror and laughed.

“Well girls, time to go home. We just lost our new best friends and I don’t think we’ll be seeing them again until tomorrow.”

It was then that the penny dropped. Sofia was going to make the guys following us miss the signal and give ourselves a minute head start, home. Mission accomplished. Sofia pushed down on the accelerator and moved quickly away.

* * *

“Hey boss, it’s Ken.”

“Yeah and what did you find out? Did you find the girl?”

“Yeah, me and Carl found her easy just like you said, at her school.”

“Did you follow her home?”

“No, we lost her.”

“What do you mean, you lost her?”

“She was with two other girls and they went shopping after school. The stupid bitch driving was driving so slow she made us miss the traffic signal.”

“Couldn’t you just drive through the red light?”

“There were cars between them and us. We didn’t want to drive right behind them, even dumbass broads like that would have spotted us.”

“Tell me about the other two girls, are they going to be a problem?”

“Marco, you’re talking to me and Carl. They’re just a couple of hot looking high school girls, heck I might be tempted to take the one with the legs and have a little fun before we off them.”

“Fucking A Ken, I sent you up there to grab the model chick, not screw some tasty meat who hangs with her. Put your dick back in your pants and pay attention to your job. The guy that hired us doesn’t have time for you to be screwing around. If you can’t follow them home then grab the girl from school and be done with it. We only have nine days before the guy has to have the money and it’s going to take two of those for the parents to put the money together, which means we have only four or five days to put this thing to rest.”

“Okay, okay, I get it, but you should have seen Miss Legs, even you would have been tempted.”

“Just do your job. I don’t want any screw ups.”

* * *

“Thanks for taking us shopping, Sofia, see you tomorrow,” Melisa said, exiting the car.

“Melisa, wait, I want to talk to you. I don’t think it would be wise on your part to ride with us until we find out who these guys are,” Sofia said.

“Please Sofia, let me ride with you and Amanda, this is exciting.”

“And dangerous.”

“But you don’t know for sure if those guys are bad or just someone in love with Amanda,” she giggled.

“Melisa, believe me when I say this, they have no love interest in Amanda and I’d worry if I had to protect Amanda and you. I’ve grown quite fond of you and I really don’t want to endanger you.”

“But you know how I feel about the books I read, please Sofia, I won’t get in the way, and besides, if they’re watching us, they’ll know we always ride together. If I start driving myself to school they’ll know something’s up.”

“I’ll think about it and let you know my decision tomorrow.”

“I’ll be your best friend forever if you let me ride with you,” Melisa laughed.

“I thought I was your best friend already?” Sofia countered.

“I’ll let Lauren know,” Melisa said, as she entered her car.

Lauren is Melisa’s very best friend in the whole world, being that way since they met in high school. Lauren lives in Auburn so that was the reason Melisa rode with us, and the fact that she buys clothes with the money she saves on gas leaving her car at my house. There was no doubt Melisa would be on her cell phone before she turned the corner from our house to tell her BFF about the exciting afternoon she had after leaving school. I swear the whole school will know by morning.

Melisa came, bright and early the next morning, wearing a miniskirt and nice blouse. Let me explain that Melisa never wear skirts to school, “The boys keep looking up my skirt to see if they can see my panties,” she would moan, so jeans and a T-shirt with a college logo on it were her uniform of choice.

“You’re wearing a skirt today?” I asked, in amazement.

“Well yeah, you never know who you’re going to run into,” she giggled.

“Like who?”

“Like those bad guys, I have to look my best,” she laughed.

Sofia had come out of the house before me, which was our daily routine, so she could check the area before she drove us to school. Today she had chosen to wear low riding jeans and a cropped top. If I didn’t know better, I think Sofia is beginning to enjoy her disguises to look as much like a student as possible.

“Wow, you look hot today, Sofia, change your mind about that boy who likes you?” Melisa laughed.

“Melisa, I decided to let you ride with us, so don’t make me regret my decision, and I certainly don’t want to get arrested for delinquency of a minor,” Sofia growled, as she tried to cover her smile.

We jumped into the car and were driving down 80 until we reached Bowman, a town you would miss if you blinked your eyes. Sofia was always checking her rearview mirror and easily saw the blue SUV enter the highway from the onramp heading west. It stayed several hundred yards behind our BMW hoping not to be seen and since the guys knew where we would be headed, following close wasn’t something they had to do. Just observe and decide where to make the grab, easy peasy.

Sofia parked the car in an open space and placed her Sig Sauer 9mm pistol in the gun safe in the glove compartment. Rules prohibit anyone to carry a pistol or any firearm on school property. It didn’t bother me because I thought Sofia was Wonder Woman and who needed guns if you were as good as her with her hands and feet?

Lauren met us at the front door and couldn’t help commenting.

“We’ll look at you,” she said, looking at Melisa.

“Just something I threw together,” she blushed.

“You look good for a change,” Lauren replied.

I should mention Lauren is the clothes’ horse at our school. Everything she wears is immaculate and very stylish. I should take lessons from her, but modeling clothes all the time doesn’t especially compute into being stylish when one is away from her job. Cindy and I are very much alike. We wear something that looks nice but is practical. We still go to our special spot with the birds and just sit to help forget some of the stresses in our life. Sofia doesn’t like the openness of the area because it makes protection more difficult, but she understands why we go there. Wearing a mini or dress would just ruin the clothes and not to mention the chance of catching poison oak on our legs. Let’s just say I wear more than my share of jeans.

Sofia looked toward the street and saw the blue SUV park across from the high school with both men staring as we walked into the school.

* * *

“The boss said we have to hurry and get it done,” Ken said to his partner.

“Might as well do it after school then,” Carl replied.

“How do you want to do it?”

“We’ll move into the parking lot and when she comes out we grab her and get the Hell out.”

“There were too many people around yesterday.”

“Fuck it, those stupid kids will move out of the way if we drive fast enough, and yesterday was a fluke because the girl is supposed to have after school sports. Marco said she’s some kind of all-star.”

“Okay, let’s do it.”

Ken and Carl waited until school was over and the parking lot emptied with the exception of cars driven by student athletes. Ken checked the surrounding area before driving to an empty space next to the BMW. They waited until practice was over and started the engine of the car and left it idling. They exited the car and stood between our car and theirs.

Sofia spotted the guys from across the parking lot and froze. As long as there was space between them and us I would be safe.

“Girls do exactly as I tell you to do, turn and walk back to the gym.”

“Why?” Melisa asked.

“Because those guys are here to take Amanda, now move.”

The three of us turned and walked back toward the gym. Ken and Carl saw us change directions and saw we would have to walk fifty feet before we would be in the safety protected corridor leading to the gym. They ran back and jumped into the SUV, spun the tires and drove toward us.

“Run,” Sofia yelled.

The SUV was gaining on us and I knew it would be close as to whether we made it or not. The entrance to the gym is two hundred feet down a wide corridor from the parking lot. Removable bollards prevent cars from driving to the entrance of the gym so Carl had to stop the car after we had run through the openings between the stiff iron posts. We were a quarter of the way to the gym when we heard the car doors slam shut and feet running after us. A quarter of the way meant we had run fifty feet but had one hundred fifty to go. Sofia looked back and saw we were as fast as the bad guys but they had something else going for them, they were armed and Sofia wasn’t.

It would take seven seconds for us to run the next one hundred fifty feet and another two point four seconds for the guys to reach us, or it would take five one hundredths of a second to find a bullet in our backs.

‘Don’t stop,” Sofia shrieked.

Ken pulled his pistol and yelled,” Stop, Amanda, or I’ll shoot.”

Sofia is a trained marksman and knew running and aiming a pistol was useless if you were trying to hit anything, unless the target was three feet away and even then it might be iffy.

“Go, get into the gym,” Sofia said.

Sofia grabbed a trash container and pulled it over spilling the contents all over the corridor causing Ken to slip.

“You’re dead bitch,” he roared, as the pistol discharged and the bullet flew toward Sofia.

“Are you in any danger?”

“Not right now, but shots have been fired.”

“Stay on the line and help will be there soon. There’s an officer two minutes away.”

“Please hurry, they’re trying to break into the room where we are”

The pounding on the door ceased after a half of a minute, only to be followed by the sound of gunfire and a loud crashing noise on the door, some more kicking, and then silence.

Chapter 19

Splinters exploded as the bullet hit the wood beam, two feet above the gymnasium doors as Sofia ran after the girls into the large empty space, the sound of the men’s running feet disappearing as the doors closed behind them. Four seconds she thought, four seconds to get these girls hidden, but where?

Sofia looked left and right at the white painted walls, shadows and bands of light shining off the glossy surface from the skylights above looking like demons clawing after them. The bleachers were stacked tightly against the walls leaving the highly polished wood floor exposed in all directions. Sofia noticed Coach Kramer’s desk light shining dully under the heavy door to her office. They would be safe if they could reach the office before the gunmen came through the gymnasium doors and the police could be summoned.

“Girls, Kramer’s office,” Sofia yelled, to the two athletes fleeing toward the rear of the gym, her voice and footsteps echoing in the large empty space.

Amanda and Melisa turned toward Coach Kramer’s office mid flight across the deserted basketball court, shoes squeaking with every step.

The light indicated the office door would be unlocked and if it wasn’t, Sofia would have to think of another alternative escape route. As luck would have it Coach Kramer was finishing some paperwork as the three girls crashed through the office door, Sofia following a second later than Amanda and Melisa.

“Girl’s what’s going on?” Coach asked, as her office door was being pushed shut by Sofia. Sofia pushed the lock mechanism in the handle to lock the door.

The door to the office is a heavy item, steel skin with a solid core to make it fire rated and quite heavy enough to stop most bullets fired from a pistol. The door opens out making it almost impossible to break in from the outside and secure enough from the inside to serve as a place for detention..

“Call the police, 911,” Sofia ordered.

“Amanda, what’s happening?” Coach Kramer asked, “What’s the meaning of this?”

The five seconds of conversation and action to lock the door brought the jarring answer to the Coach. The lock rattled followed by heavy kicking against the door when Ken and Carl tried to open the office door.

“Coach, hurry, call the police,” Sofia ordered, again.

Coach Kramer looked on in shock as the attack continued on her office door, not moving but watching with her mouth open as her brain tried to make sense of the commotion whirling around her.

“God,” Sofia swore as the coach froze in horror as the assault to the door continued..

Grabbing the phone next to the papers Coach was grading, accidently sweeping several to flutter across the floor, Sofia punched in the numbers.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“This is Marion Hill School and we have two men with guns on the grounds. Please send help.”

“Are you in any danger?”

“Not right now, but shots have been fired.”

“Stay on the line and help will be there soon. There’s an officer two minutes away.”

“Please hurry, they’re trying to break into the room where we are”

The pounding on the door ceased after a half of a minute, only to be followed by the sound of gunfire and a loud crashing noise on the door, some more kicking, and then silence.

We couldn’t hear sirens or any other noise. The wall where the office had been built was designed with a very high fire rating. The walls were cement block and the door, was steel with a solid core and steel framing, painted grey. The hardware was of the highest quality and for the thugs to trying to enter, it presented a barrier they couldn’t overcome without heavy tools of some sort to break the door apart.

Another two minutes passed before we heard knocking on the door.

“That must be the police, get back into the corner of the room and I’ll let them in.”

Sofia found a baseball bat and took it in her hand before walking to the door. Coach, Melisa, and I crowded into the left front corner of the room, after Sofia explained she would be able to try to protect us with the bat and there would be no easy shot at us until they entered the office.

“Identify yourself,” Sofia yelled, hoping the sound of her voice would travel through the door.

“Deputy Sherriff Bob Atkins, Miss, please unlock the door.”

“Where are the guys that were shooting at us?”

“They’re gone, you’re safe now.”

Sofia stepped to the lock side of the door and stood against the wall, shielded from the door opening by the thick cement block wall. She reached slowly toward the door handle and pressed it down to unlock the door and quickly grabbing the bat with both hands and prepared to swing it at the intruder. The deputy eased himself slowly into the room enough to expose enough of his uniform so Sofia could see the voice was connected to a real Deputy Sherriff.

“Is everyone okay?” he asked.

“We’re fine,” Sofia answered.

“Deputy Atkins, Miss, and you’re?”

“Sofia Lorenz,” she answered, still gripping the baseball bat. His name plate confirmed he was who he said he was.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Lorenz. Can you tell me what happened?” Deputy Atkins asked.

Bob Atkins was a tall man and looked to be around twenty-five years old. His hair showing from under his Sherriff’s hat was dark brown with a military cut and his intense eyes were a deep blue. His nose was a little crooked, not enough to be ugly but the right amount to be sexy. He had a ready smile and very white teeth. I would have had to guess he was around six-three and very well put together. My thoughts were, ‘God he’s a fox’.

I could hear sirens coming from all directions. It wouldn’t be long before the SWAT Team arrived along with half the police in Placer County.

Sofia was her usual calm self as she answered the Deputy’s question, except I couldn’t help notice that she was blushing every time her eyes met his. OMG, Sofia was losing her composure, as it was evident she liked the deputy more than as someone who had just saved her. She was crushing on the guy.

“The girls had just finished their workouts for their team sports and we were walking toward the car when I spotted the two guys waiting for us. I knew what they wanted so I told the girls to run for the gym. I was hoping it was still unlocked and if it was we would be safe in there. All we had to do was hide, which we did. The tall guy shot at me, but missed badly, which I knew he would. Luckily the coach’s office was unlocked and we would be safe in there. They tried to get in, but there was no way they would be able to break through the door before you got here.”

“Do you know who they were?” he asked.

“I saw then yesterday and knew what they were doing, so as soon as I saw them I alerted the girls and here we are.”

“You saw them yesterday? Why didn’t you call the police, and how did you know what they wanted?”

“Do you know who this girl is?” Sofia asked, pointing at me.

“Umm, she looks kind of familiar, but I really can’t put a name to her face.”

“That’s understandable since guys don’t wear much makeup. She’s Amanda Flowers, a very famous model.”

“Amanda Flowers, yeah now I recognize her, hey weren’t you just at the awards show? My girlfriend and I watched it, yeah, now I remember.”

Sofia’s face turned to a scowl when Bob mentioned his girl friend. Sofia’s got a crush, I giggled to myself.

“Jeze, we broke up right after that.”

Sofia’s smile returned so fast that I thought her lips would get whiplash.

“Sorry, I got distracted, so, how did you know what these guys wanted? Have you been reading mystery novels and just guessed?”

Bob thought he was speaking to a high school senior who thought she had enough knowledge to know about abductions and what ever else she had talked about. Girls her age sure wouldn’t know about pistols and not being able to hit anything while you were running. Maybe he would cut her some slack because she was so darn cute. ‘Too bad she’s still in school or he’d be tempted to ask her to dinner’ he thought.

“Oh, I get it,” Sofia answered, with more than a little venom in her voice. “You think I’m some little airhead that doesn’t know the first thing about dangerous things. Well Mister Sherriff, I’m her bodyguard and this is what I’m trained to do. Those guys couldn’t have been more obvious if they tried. First they were driving a rented blue SUV and they circled across in front of the school and then back again. Two guys driving up and down in front of a high school, come on, they were either looking for someone or they were perverts looking to get laid. When we left school they fell right in behind us and I knew it was Amanda they were after, so I led them to the mall to prove my theory about them. They followed us and parked to watch us. I made them suffer a bit while we shopped. Nothing like three teen girls shopping, to drive a guy crazy.”

“You can say that again.”

Sofia raised one eyebrow.

“Anyway, I lost them driving home. It wasn’t too hard and we didn’t see them again until this morning. Apparently they have a general idea of where Amanda lives and waited off the freeway until we drove past. They knew where we were going so they didn’t care if they lost me or not. We didn’t see them until after practice and you know what happened since then.”

“You’re really a body guard?” Bob asked sheepishly. “Are you carrying?”

“No, my pistol is in the car locked in a safe, school rules you know,” Sofia answered sarcastically.

“Just how old are you Sofia?” he asked.

“I’m twenty-eight, is there a problem?”

From the smile on Bob’s face Sofia’s age was the farthest thing from being a problem. I guess he kind of liked her too.

Over the next half of an hour we were taken outside and questioned by the Chief of Detectives for Placer County and a detective for the Auburn City Police. Sofia was bored, I was having fun, and Melisa was beside herself with excitement. She was living one of her mystery novels. Coach Kramer didn’t know Sofia was my bodyguard and when she found out she knew why Sofia watched my practices every day. He thought Sofia was another student with a crush on me and was going to ask her to leave practice if she kept showing up to watch me. When we were finally able to leave, she thanked Sofia for being there and gave her a hug. Sofia being herself, tensed but allowed the show of affection. I love that girl. Oh, I almost forgot, Bob asked Sofia for her number, and she gave it to him, romance is in the air.

* * *

“Boss, I’m sorry, but the cops came before we could take the girl,” Ken said, into his mobile phone.

“Shit, how long does it take to grab the kid, just what in the Hell were you doing?”

“We were waiting right next to the girl’s car. We figured she would walk to us, no fuss, no muss, just grab her, throw her in the car and drive away. You know the broad with the legs; well she saw us and told the other two girls to run. How would she know we were waiting for them? I think she’s something more than a student. She knew right away who we were.”

“The chick’s got to be a body guard, the fucking kid’s a bodyguard, and she’s no student, why didn’t you spot that in the first place?”

“How should we know, she looked just like one of the other girl students.”

“What were you looking with, your dick? Don’t answer that question, I already know. Look this has to happen in the next few days and I don’t want another screw up. Fucking shoot the bodyguard and grab the kid, get it done.”

“Uh, Boss, we’ll need to rent another car. The girl knows what this one looks like.”

“I don’t care what you have to do, just get it done and next time you call, it had better be good news or I’ll be handing your balls to you myself.”

The phone went dead and Ken had an obvious look of concern on his face. He knew Marco was good for his word and wouldn’t think twice about cutting his balls off, if it even came to that. His neck would probably be first.

“Boss said we have to get it done and if we have to, shoot the bodyguard,” Ken relayed the message.

“Those legs belong to a bodyguard, damn, what a waste, I’d do her in a second.”

“I’m sure you would, and maybe you’ll get your chance. Let’s get rid of this car and get a different color so she won’t spot us so easily. She might not be all that tough and is here just for show. I wouldn’t mind getting a little of that myself.”

* * *

The next day things were different. We had a police escort all the way to school. A Sherriff’s car followed us from the time we left the house until we arrived at school. I guess you can guess who volunteered for that duty? Sofia had a smile on her face all the way to school.

The seriousness of the kidnap attempt made me think about what my life had become. Did I really have a life anymore, or was I just a product for someone else’s riches. There wasn’t a moment I could be myself, who ever that might be. I couldn’t eat what I wanted, “Remember fat models aren’t in demand”, Mrs. Meyer would remind me, when I’d pine for a big fat juicy burger. No, just a small salad and a bit of fruit would be perfect. “Amanda, what are you thinking, you could ruin your career,” she would say if I had a band-aid covering the slightest scratch from soccer. I know she means well, but I also realize that I’m her meal ticket, but on the other hand I’ve made a lot of money for myself. I wouldn’t be able to go to Stanford if I hadn’t earned that money.

My father might still be sitting in a chair at home because we wouldn’t have been able to afford the treatment he received after his accident. The trade off, I had become a girl and would remain one for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a pity party, I love the person I’ve become. If I didn’t, I would have never wanted real curves and started my puberty as a woman. It seems I’m never alone to do what I want to do. I hardly see Cindy anymore even though we talk everyday on the phone. Sofia is with me everywhere I go, even to our special tree in the clearing. Weekends are reserved for modeling sessions as are several midweek days every month. I can’t just be me, and I don’t even know who me is anymore?

Amanda started as a part time job, be her, and then be Mark for the rest of the time. I was Mark through and through while Amanda was the outside person looking in. When I had to assume her personality full time it was very difficult to bury Mark in a little corner of my life. I loved being a boy and my father had taught me well. I love my father more than words can say and when he forgot his son, I thought I would die, and perhaps I did in a small way when I became Amanda full time. This isn’t to say I don’t like being Amanda, I do, and I love being the girl I portray, actually more than being a boy. I guess Cindy was right when she said I was really a girl inside, but it seems I’ve had no say in where my life is going ever since Cindy saw my mascara covered lashes. God I was only twelve and how was I supposed to make decisions like the ones I made. The Siren Song of money drew me to the flame as easily as a moth to light.

It was the accident that I blame for the big shift in my life, and not wanting to hurt my father by telling him he didn’t have a daughter and that he had a son. He was barely alive and a blow like that would kill him, maybe even literally. How hard would it be to try living as a girl all the time, I had wondered, and the trap was set. As time passed it became too easy, I became Amanda, a real girl and it was no wonder that I wanted to be just like the rest of the girls my age, curves and all. What I didn’t realize at the time was what those curve inducing hormones would do to my brain. I had always been a nice boy, not aggressive, but not one to back down from anyone either, I was that tough little Mark James. Now, I don’t feel so tough, maybe even a little needy, no, threatened would be a better word, as though my world was spinning out of control and I had no way to stop it.

I knew I didn’t want to become Mark James again, as much as I missed him, but I knew who Amanda Flowers had become was still a little bit of a boy named Mark. I still had a little of that devil may care attitude I had as a boy. It made Amanda Flowers who she was which made my fans love me just that much more for being myself.

There was one other thing I wanted. I wanted a boyfriend. I know it would be several months before I turned sixteen and would be able to date, but I missed the special attention from a boy after Kurt left for college. I wondered why boys hadn’t asked me out, but perhaps they knew the rule my mother had about not being able to date until I turned sixteen. Another reason could be the constant presence of Sofia. Having a bodyguard hanging around probably put a damper on any thoughts a boy might have for what he’d like to do with me. We would have to work something out. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with a constant companion.

The drive to school was uneventful and Sofia didn’t see our kidnappers. Having a Sherriff’s escort will dampen most people’s thoughts of trying anything bad.

Things changed after school. The Sherriff couldn’t escort us because of an accident on highway 49 and there wasn’t anyone available for us, as being an escort is very low priority. I think maybe Bob was just trying to impress Sofia, which worked by the way. The girl has it bad.

After practice Sofia was more than a little concerned walking to our car.

“I have a bad feeling,” she said, as we walked. Her head was constantly turning from side to side looking for any threat.

“There’s no one around,” I replied.

“There shouldn’t be, it’s just I feel different today.”

“Maybe you’re just not over yesterday,” Melisa said.

“Maybe, well let’s hurry, I don’t like being out in the open like this.”

We slowly ran to the SUV and Sofia unlocked the doors with the remote FOB on her keychain. We entered, Melisa in back, me riding shotgun, and Sofia driving of course. She opened the glove compartment and opened the gun safe, pulling her pistol from it and placing it on the seat between us. Sofia lowered the windows to let the hot stale air from the car.

She started the engine, put the car in gear and headed toward the exit.. She stopped at the stop sign next to the gate and before we could proceed a silver Nissan SUV blocked our path. The two guys from yesterday jumped from the car, pistols drawn.

“Down,” Sofia screamed, throwing the car in reverse and accelerated backward, into the lot. Melisa and I threw ourselves onto the floor of the car.

The two men ran after us and fired their pistols damaging the car but nothing else. Sofia turned the steering wheel and applied the brakes causing the car to turn ninety degrees before stopping. She grabbed her pistol, aimed through the open window of the car and fired. Ken, the leader went down, his pistol flying from his hand. The Asian guy stopped realizing that my bodyguard had a gun and wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Move and you’re dead,” Sofia yelled, pointing her pistol at the man’s head. Carl was staring down business end of a nine millimeter and after seeing Ken fall to the pavement knew he would be next if he didn’t do as asked.

Carl lowered his pistol and placed it on the pavement in front of him.

“Kick the gun over here and lay down,” Sofia ordered.

Carl did as asked, kicking his pistol under our SUV and lowered himself to the pavement.

“Girls, call the police while I watch this idiot,” Sofia said.

Sofia opened the car door and stepped from the car. Ken was bleeding from his chest and moaning softly. Carl didn’t move a muscle. Melisa and I sat quietly in the car. Watching someone get shot turned an adventure into real life and someone might die.

The police arrived a minute later and an ambulance was called. Luckily for Ken, Sofia’s bullet missed his heart but had punctured his lung, passing through his body and lodging in the rented Nissan. Ken would live but he wouldn’t be getting out of the hospital soon, and when he did there would be a jail cell waiting for him.

Carl decided he wanted to work out a deal and told the police everything Marco had asked them to do. Marco was arrested in New York and would stand trial with both Ken and Carl.

Marco was a weak man and it didn’t take long for him to spill his guts about Dan Fountain. Unfortunately for Dan, Marco’s confession came a day too late and he died a slow death at the hands of the loan shark who gave him two weeks to pay back his loan. Two weeks and one day found Dan missing his fingers and teeth, which lay next to his bruised and battered body. The threat against Amanda was gone.

The threat gone meant that Sofia was no longer needed to protect me. Mom and Dad decided to keep her on for two more months, just in case there were anymore guys, Dan Fountain had hired, but there were none. Sofia knew her time with me was coming to an end and Mom and Dad let her take time off just to relax. It didn’t take her long to start dating Bob during her free time.

“How’s Bob,” I would tease.

“He’s wonderful. I just hope you find someone as nice as him when you start dating,” she would reply.

“Maybe I would if my mom and dad would let me date,” I complained.

“You’re too young, maybe in a few years.”

“More like a few months, I’ll be sixteen in four months and then look out boys.”

“More like look out Amanda, girl, you have so much to learn.”

“I had a boy friend before.”

“Oh really, and what happened with that one?”

“He went off to college.”

“And what did you do with him?”

“We kissed a couple of times.”

“That’s it? God you’re going to be in such trouble when you finally meet someone you really like. I think it’s time for you and your mother to have a long talk about boys and then I’ll do the same or you’re going to have a broken heart.”

“I will, thanks Sofia.”

Mom and I had the talk a week later, but it went a little differently, after all I’m still a boy where it matters and even if I had surgery to change things, I still couldn’t get pregnant. The talk was more about feelings and knowing when to say no. I didn’t think it would matter, but it would when I finally went on a date.

“Mom, can I tell you something and not get mad at me?” I asked.

“I promise, sweetheart.”

“Remember when I went out with Kurt?”

“Yes of course, why?”

“Well, I kissed him.”

“I kind of figured you did, that’s what teens do on a date.”

“It didn’t do anything for me, feelings wise. It was just a wonderful kiss.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I also kissed after I started my hormones and it was a different feeling and my body wanted so much more. Is that what you’re talking about, Mom?”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, and when you start to date you have to be even more careful that most girls. If your date doesn’t know about you, you could be killed. All I’m asking is that you be careful.”

“I will be.”

That was the first of many talks with Mom, and then with Sofia. She told me about when she lost her virginity and I was in tears when she told me the boy broke up with her after taking what he wanted from her. I was just a naíve, fifteen year old girl trying to find my way along a path traveled by women older than me. I wondered if Mark would have had the same concerns. I think maybe I would have, because my father had been raising me to be the kind of man that cared for others.

Chapter 20

At the end of two months my parents, Sofia and I sat down for a meeting to decide what to do about her guarding me. The threat was gone and as much as I loved Sofia, there were times I wanted to be alone or with Cindy, just the two Musketeers, like it used to be.

“Sofia, we’ve loved having you to protect our baby, but I’m not sure if we need your services anymore?” Mom asked.

“Normally I wouldn’t agree with you, but I think you’re right in this case. I think it was a fluke that Fountain picked Amanda to kidnap. If she was much better known it would make sense and as to why he picked her, we’ll never know. Fortunately for you, Amanda’s one of those celebrities that’s well known, but really doesn’t garner much attention other than in her ads. Now, if she was in the headlines all the time, I’d have to say you had better keep me on, but she’s not. She’s just a normal teen girl, living a normal life. Paparazzi don’t even follow her anymore. No, I think I should call my agency and request a new client. As much as I’ve come to love Amanda, almost like a sister, I think it’s time to move on,” Sofia replied.

“What about your heart throb?” I teased.

Sofia blushed before she answered.

“I’m sure Bob will understand. Just because I move doesn’t mean we have to break off what we have. It’ll just be a little more difficult.”

“What do you think, Amanda?” Mom asked.

“I’ll be okay. I can still punch the lights out of anyone that bothers me.”

“That you can little sister.”

It was then when Sofia called me her little sister, it hit me that Sofia was leaving. She knew my darkest secret and never let it bother her and had become my big sister. I went to her and took her in my arms and held her tight. Sofia is a girl who doesn’t like hugging and touchy feely, but this time she hugged me back. I felt a tear run from her eye and land on my shoulder. She was showing emotion that I had never seen before. I’d seen anger and happiness, even a few blushes, but never sadness before. My eyes were already damp and I’m sure her blouse was getting just as wet as mine.

“I love you Sofia,” I whispered.

“Honey, it’s been so long that I’ve felt this way for anyone, but you’ve found your way into my heart, little girl. I love you little sis, and don’t you forget it. If you don’t call me at least once a day to let me know you’re alright, I’ll have Bob come by and arrest you for scaring me, you hear?”

“I hear, but why do big sisters always pick on their little sisters like that?”

“Because we love you.”

Sofia stayed through the following week and then was sent on assignment in Paris. It was a tearful goodbye, but we knew it was best for Sofia. Even our big bad Sherriff’s Deputy had tears in his eyes. Bob and Sofia really had fallen for each other in a big time way. I wondered if love could overcome her travels and living in New York City, for them to have any kind of future? Time would tell.

My sixteenth birthday is fast approaching and we all know what that means? Well I know what it means, but apparently Mrs. Meyer has a different idea, surgery to complete my journey from boy to girl.

Sixteen is the time for a teen to finally get a license to drive, not have surgery to change one’s sex. I know there are a few girls who have had their surgery at sixteen, but I don’t want to be one of them. To be perfectly honest, when Gloria suggested the operation, I felt violated.

“Amanda, you’re going to turn sixteen in a few months and I’ve looked into having surgery to complete your journey to Amanda. You certainly have the money for the operation and there’s no reason for you to put it off until you’re eighteen,” she said, on one of the rare days I was able to spend time with Cindy.

My mouth fell open at what she said, even Cindy was shocked by her mother’s statement.

“Mom, how can you say such a thing?”

“I’m just trying to do what’s best for Amanda. If she has the operation, she will no longer worry about discovery. She could stand naked in Times Square and no one would ever guess she was anything other than a woman.”

‘’God, that’s so gross,” I said.

“What’s gross?”

“Standing naked in Time’s Square.”

“Amanda, that’s just a figure of speech, no one is suggesting that you really do that. All I’m doing is stating the obvious, can you truthfully tell me that you might want to return to being Mark, ever again?”

I lowered my eyes from Gloria’s, knowing she could see right through me if I didn’t state what she and Cindy already knew, I had become Amanda and as hard as I tried to think otherwise, I knew Mark had long been buried. Was discovery important enough to have the surgery so soon? What if I did change my mind after the operation, then what?

If I was to go ahead with the surgery I wouldn’t have to worry about a boy finding the wrong plumbing should his hand accidently touch the wrong thing? I’m not even dating, so what difference would it make? I know for sure the operation is in my future, but not now.

“Mrs. Meyer, I know you’re just looking out for my best interest, but I think I’ll wait until I’m eighteen.”

Gloria knew I was right with my decision, but her disappointment showed on her face. She’s a hard business woman and the possible discovery of my real sex could jeopardize a very nice income for her from my good fortune. Yes I wanted to be a real girl, my hormone treatments proved that, but I just wasn’t ready to rid myself of the last bit of Mark that I still clung to. After our conversation the subject was never brought up again.

Not a lot happened after the conversation, but I did pass my driving test and I now have a driver’s license and the sex square is marked with an F, just one more step toward becoming a woman.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a girl and every little step pleases me more than you could know, its just that I worry that I’m making all the wrong decisions. Everything has been too easy for me and I’ve had pressure put on me to make decisions I might not have wanted to make at the time. My father’s accident and a new school are just two that I can think of. Both influenced the direction I have taken, but the longer I’ve remained a girl the more I find the road I’m traveling to be the one I want to continue on. My beauty and popularity have also had influences making transition easier for me. I hope I don’t sound conceited, but I know if I wasn’t as pretty as I am, well, I wouldn’t be a model and probably would still be a boy, so I’m very conflicted as to whether I really want to be a girl?

My lashes and beauty can be a very seductive force in ones life. Every twist in the road can bring consequences that can’t be undone.

It all started so innocently, just a dab of mascara on my lashes, on my mother’s pretty little boy. Discovery our little secret by my best friend, just a little thing with my mother that didn’t mean anything except when Cindy told her mother how pretty the boy down the street was. Wear these clothes and makeup, just a few times a month, no one is actually asking you to be a girl. Finally the words that sealed my fate, “Where’s my daughter?” Then came the new school and having to attend as a girl and live as one 24/7. I could do that because I was influenced by popularity and I liked the way Amanda was treated. I became the girl I portrayed, except I was still a boy and had a boy’s figure. I wanted to be just like the other girls as I now thought of myself as a girl and a girl’s puberty made sense. I wanted to really be a girl and so another turn in the road came and so did the hormones. Amanda was becoming a real girl and loving every minute of it. Sports, boys modeling, clothes, what more could a girl want? But I’m not really a girl, oh I look and act like one, but I know better and until that final turn in the road, I’ll still be a girl with the wrong plumbing.

I started my Junior year and drive to school, alone. Melisa graduated and Sofia has moved on. I miss the interaction we girls had riding to and from school. The only thing I do like is being able to drive the Beemer myself. I guess I’m becoming spoiled.

I won Homecoming Princess again and since I’m still not dating, Paul Raines was my escort to the dance. I kind of like Paul and hope he would like to maybe consider going on a real date.

I joined the cross country running team to keep in shape for soccer season. I did pretty well and our team won the league. I was the third fastest runner on the team. I made first team all star for soccer this year and some interest from colleges have come my way. I want to attend school on an academic scholarship, not an athletic one, so I’m not all that impressed with the attention, but it is flattering.

My modeling career has sky rocketed. I work less, but make more money. Mrs. Meyer negotiated my fees and like she said, “If they’re willing to pay, why not get the most you can while you’re able to.” Working less has given me more time to study and I’m carrying a 4.0 average and with my outside activities, Stanford is almost guaranteed.

Now I must tell you about Sofia. She and Bob have really fallen for each other big time. Bob asked her to move in with him and she accepted. She gave up her lease in New York City and is now living in Auburn with Bob. She visits every now and then and the relationship has agreed with her. She just shines when you see her. Bob is a really good man and I wouldn’t be all that surprised if he was to ask her to marry.

Relocating hasn’t been a problem because she can fly out of Sacramento and be anywhere in the world in 24 hours. Bob doesn’t like that her job is so dangerous, but he accepts that her work is part of her personality. She wouldn’t be Sofia without it.

Cindy has picked up more modeling assignments, which makes her mother pleased as punch. We still find time to share our most intimate thoughts and spend time together at our special tree in the meadow. Watching our birds nesting has become a very special part of our lives.

My senior year was pretty much the previous year. I won Home coming Queen and was escorted by Calvin Waters, the quarterback on the football team. The team almost won the league but fell short by one game, oh well.

I was first team all star again and have been offered a soccer scholarship to Pepperdine University. They’re one of the power houses in College soccer, but I have my heart set on Stanford.

Speaking of Stanford, I received my scholarship, academic, thank you. I’m to start school in September.

Not a lot happened during my senior year except that I finally decided to have the surgery. I knew I would never go back to being a boy again so it didn’t make sense to keep the last bit of Mark on my body. The operation would take place after graduation.

I decided I wanted the best and she was practicing near Stanford. I won’t take a bunch of time detailing the operation, except to say it isn’t a walk in the park. There was pain and getting to know my new fixture. Dilating isn’t fun and to be quite honest, I hate doing it, but it’s a chore that can’t be ignored. I can say though that I do look spectacular in a string bikini, which is something I couldn’t dream of wearing before the operation.

School started and I went whole hog into college life. I joined a sorority and loved living with the girls. They of course were not impressed with a model living with them. I joined the soccer team as a walk on and made first team. I love Stanford and the life I now live. I really don’t go on assignment anymore other than for Lush and several high-end designers. To be honest I don’t have time to model with studies and soccer. I love the parties and the rest that make college such a wonderful experience.

My father has pretty much gotten as far as he can with his therapy. He only uses one cane now and he takes me fishing every summer. We still clean the fish and Mom cooks them and I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to be a boy to have a special relationship with my father.

I mentioned that I wanted to become a doctor, an Orthopedic Surgeon to be exact and I fulfilled my dream. Ten years after entering college and serving an internship I was added as a resident to the Orthopedic Clinic at Stanford Hospital.

Thinking back, all I can say is that my life has been blessed. I made a ton of money when I was younger and achieved my dream of becoming a surgeon. There isn’t much I would have changed from the first time my mother put mascara on my lashes to my graduation from Stanford. I’ve become at peace with my change of gender and I’ve been dating a wonderful man for the last two years. We’re deeply in love and he knows my complete history so the gender change isn’t a problem, and what the heck, he stills tells all his male friends that he scored with the face of Lush Cosmetics. “Lucky boy,” I tease.

What the future will bring, only God knows the answer to that and all I can do is give thanks for being one of the luckiest girls in the world.