Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 1

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Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Restricted Audience (r)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

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Posted by author(s)

Everyone has a story to tell, right? Stuck on ball of dirt orbiting the sun at twenty kajillion miles an hour, lost in the haze of one galaxy piled on another, but we all believe we're the centre of the universe. Nobody bothers to think about why we're here, what our purpose is, or who is pulling all the strings that make us dance.

Whoa, stop. Rewind.

Okay, this isn't nearly that big a deal. I got a little carried away there, self importance and all. What I'm talking about isn't going to change your life. Nope, my story isn't quite what you'd expect from a girl charting the events of her life in some blog (besides, I can't camwhore. I do have standards, ya know).

This is just a sweet tale about what happens when you take life for granted, and how the world could be if things were just a little different.

So relax, sit back and walk a mile in my shoes. Why? Because stuff like this is good for your soul. Trust me.

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I sank a little deeper into the passenger seat of Nicks 79’ Camero, blazing hot summer pouring in the car through open windows. I could feel cracked upholstery pressed against me, slick with sweat against my skin. Nick craned his neck, looking over from the driver’s seat. “Close the damn window, that’s what I bought the air-conditioner for.”

I smirked lazily “Gee...let me see....hmmm....wait for it.........no.”

“Stop being brutally retarded and just close the window”.

My smile broadened “No way. Besides, I think the air-con is broken anyway.”

Nick gave me a confused look. “What?”

“Well it's either broken, or there’s a howling void that's opened up inside that leads to the waffle-dimension.”

Nick shook his head “I don’t get it.”

“Warranty doesn’t cover shit like that. I think you're screwed.” I added.

“Go fuck yourself.”

I could smell asphalt burning in the afternoon sun, its acrid smell lingering on the wind while we made our way through suburbia. At first glance, most people would call us a couple of geeks. But see, that's not really how I view myself. Of course, I'm petty sure Uwe Boll doesn’t see himself as the harbinger of the apocalypse, so maybe I haven't thought this through completely.

Not that it really matters, since we fit right in at college. Both Nick and I are in the final year of our majors, with Nick studying commercial art while I'm sticking with computer science. But hey, today's the day we finally move into our new place. Sure, twenty two is a little late for me to be taking the plunge, but it's not like Nick's any better. Amongst other things, it's my solemn hope that it'll finally start paying dividends with ladies, if you know what I'm saying. Try saying “Let’s go back to your place, I think my parents are still playing Twister” and see how far it gets you.

So the Nick and I pooled our funds and came up with just enough cash to rent a house a little south of Delacroix High, which I figured was a pretty good deal, provided I don’t have to yell at the Emo kids to get off my lawn.

For those of you who can’t keep up, here’s a little Culture 101:

Emo: Noun; A teenager who feels that Punk cannot truly convey their depth of emotional pain, but lacks the commitment to be completely Goth. And that’s Goth in the actual sense, not the stereotypical crap you see on MTV.

The Camero rolled smoothly into the driveway of our new abode, stopping gently inside the garage. The place was an old redbrick home built in the mid 80’s with a spacious front yard and wooden fence. The grass was lush and green, scattered with pine needles and wilted leaves that crackled underfoot.

I was surprised at how cheaply we were able to rent the place, considering it being a decent chunk of land with a two bedroom house planted in the middle. I'd heard rumours that the previous owner left mysteriously due to an illness in the family, which prepared me for the possibility of corpses being hidden under the floorboards. Nick suggested we hang them out front as a lawn ornament.

Okay, introductions begin….now: The name is Kane, but you can call me “Special K” if you want. I’ve yet to get any takers on that offer, by the way. Big words, I know. But I’m a pretty big guy. That’s big tall, not big fat. I keep my hair long and uncut, since I can barely afford instant ramen let alone any kind of personal grooming.

Nick is pretty tall too, but in more of a beanpole kind of way. Short blonde hair he keeps trimmed with clippers, or steak knife, I could never tell. He stood beside me, wearing khaki shorts and T-Shirt that read “I wish I could hate you to death”. Classy stuff.

I took a step inside, and immediately felt a sense of relief wash over me. This place was ours. No more parents. No more cleaning up. No more “You’re not wearing that outside the house, you look like some homeless person, go and find something else.” The world suddenly seemed so full of limitless possibilities.

While drinking in the newfound sense of freedom, I spied a door which I hadn’t paid any attention to previously. We’d inspected the place in kind of a rush, so it made sense there were one or two things that had escaped my notice.

I opened the door, which compelled a frightening sensation to slam into me with full force. Have you ever felt like you were wading through tar? Stupid question, don’t answer. Everything just felt wrong. Not a gut feeling, not superstition. The kind of wrong you feel with every fibre of your being, right to the bone.

I watched as Nick became aware of the sensation, his expression settling somewhere between horror and morbid curiosity “Okay....this is a little odd.”

“I think I’ve found the reason for the dramatic fall in property value” I replied flatly.

“No shit.” He murmured.

I took a step back and felt the odd sensation ebb away. “I nominate this as the storage room.”

“Seconded” Nick nodded in agreement. “And while we’re at it, I call the far bedroom. “

“That only leaves one more bedroom.”

He nodded. “Yep.”

“The one right across the hall.”

Nick frowned, puzzled by my expression “Why are you staring at me like that?”

I narrowed my eyes. “I’m trying to make your heart explode.”

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Some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue. And some days the clock radio wakes you up three hours early because it’s been set to completely the wrong time. I couldn't tell if it was playing commercial radio or if Nick had filled my bed with scorpions. The pain was too blinding to tell. I reached over and slapped the alarm wearily, ignoring the lingering sounds of the Billboard top 40 boring into my skull.

Cool floorboards flexed gently beneath me with every step, still barely conscious as I made my way to the kitchen fridge. I tried to fix myself a cup of coffee, but just wound up spilling it everywhere before I could even guide the sugar into the cup.

The ruckus I was making seemed to awaken Nick, who shuffled out of his bedroom, looking at me dispassionately. ”What are you doing, man?”

I held up the cup I'd been pouring coffee into. “I'm in the kitchen, staring into your favourite mug and altering its behaviour in ways that will not be obvious.”

His expression didn't change a bit. “I always hated you....I always hated you the most.”

Nick disappeared into the bathroom while I snagged a piece of leftover pizza, taking a thoughtful a bite. We’d spent yesterday unpacking and moving furniture the whole afternoon, trying to get it all done in one hit.... which is great in theory. Everything works in theory, even Communism. In reality the whole experience left me completely exhausted, weary from the first exercise I’d done in longer than I'd care to remember. I had expected to feel worse for wear the next day, but this felt like I’d been hit by a truck.

A little short on motivation, I fell into the couch and flicked on the television. Pulling a curtain of hair behind my ears, I settled into a dull stupor until Nick emerged from his bedroom some time later, fully dressed and looking less sociopathic on the whole.

“Yo.” He muttered as he made his way to the fridge, noting where I’d spilt all the coffee.

“Better get back to bed dude, the beauty sleep isn’t working yet.”

Nick flipped me the bird as he pulled a bottle of milk from the depths of the fridge, pouring himself a bowel of cereal. Taking a bite, he sat beside me on the couch. “What’s on?”

“Crap.” I said nonchalantly.

He looked at me with a pained expression “Then change the channel.”

“I would....but that would require effort.”

He punched me in the shoulder playfully, before returning to watching the TV. I didn’t see it, but Nick studied me for a moment before going back to eating his breakfast.

Being a Saturday, we didn’t have to go back to college until Monday. And being in college, we didn’t have any money. So the two of us felt quite content to lounge around the house all day, wasting time on video games and obscure Japanese anime.

It was during one of these cultural cinema sessions that Nick ventured into my bedroom, trying to find a network cable to connect his Xbox to the local network. He rummaged through my drawers while I barely paid him any attention, instead focusing on the animated mayhem playing out on my flatscreen. Nick paused, considering his words for a moment before speaking up. “You look kinda different. Have you colored your hair or something?”

I craned my neck, eyeing him curiously. “Nope. What, you think that I did?”

He looked at me closely for a moment, as if he knew the answer but it still eluded him. “Well, it’s longer and kinda dark. I figured you were going to grow it out or something.”

I shrugged off his comment and turned back to the monitor. “Might want to try getting out in the sun, too much time in that little tomb you’ve set up is damaging your eyesight.”

“Fuck you.” He muttered. “I like to keep my curtains drawn.”

“Sure, I don’t want to know what’s going on in your room anyway.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I did mention the fuck you, right?”

With the witty banter portion of the conversation concluded, Nick disappeared into his bedroom (henceforth known as the Fortress of Solitude) leaving me undisturbed for the rest of the day. Warm afternoon sunlight slowly bled in the murky ink of night, and before I knew it the light of the alarm clock was burning “3:00am” into my corneas. I shut my computer down, feeling a shiver creep up my spine as I glanced at the storeroom. If this were a typical Hollywood movie, our house would have been built on an ancient burial ground, probably of a sacred moose. At any moment the phantom moose could break free of its spiritual prison to spread evil among helpless teenage girls.

Now that I think about it, maybe a phantom moose wouldn’t be a bad thing.

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On reflection, waking up three hours early yesterday hadn’t been so bad, now that I had something for comparison. This was largely due to fact that I couldn’t see anything at all. My first reaction was that the zombie apocalypse had finally begun, and the first thing they’d done was devour my eyes. My second reaction was realizing how goddamn stupid that was: Everyone knows zombies eat your brain first.

Sadly nobody had come in the night to feast on my noggin. Instead I came to realize my vision was obscured by a veil of long, smooth hair that tickled my skin with the slightest movement. .

Most people would freak out in a situation like this. However given that I’d already been “Antiqued” once before by Nick and a large canister of cornflower, the idea that he’d strapped a Persian cat to my head didn’t seem so far fetched.

Shuffling into the bathroom, I leant forward and peered into the mirror’s reflection. I could see that my hair was a now good deal longer, lapping at the top of my shoulders. That wouldn’t have been quite so odd if I could explain how it had shifted from a light brown to a lustrous ebony hue. I reached back and pulled the dark mane behind my ears, giving me a better view of the production that had gotten underway without me. I gazed into my visage, slowly noting other changes that had taken place over the night. Nothing was really obvious, but if you’ve lived in my body for as long as I have, you have a pretty good idea of where everything should be.

It wasn’t just one thing I could put my finger on, it was like everything was tweaked slightly, making things smaller and kinda elegant....or something. Maybe I'm not explaining this very well. I took a deep breath and tried to relax, walking to my room while trying to rationalize this. Maybe I was struck down by some weird, exotic disease bought on by global warming and the migration of unladen African swallows.

That wasn't the end of it either. I hate to skip on details here.... but it's not really something I like to think about. You know how sometimes something really bad happens, and you just need to block it out? Like not only do you refuse to think about it, but you actually don't want to remember that you refuse to think about it. And that's in a “la-la-la I'm not listening!” plug your fingers in your ears kinda way.

So let's make a deal, kay? I'm going to skip over the next few weeks. Yeah, I know, you feel cheated. You want to hear all the juicy details: Tits, ass...that kinda stuff. But come on, you can figure it out, right? It's not like I need to draw you a picture. The thing is.... It was physically and emotionally brutal. I've seen movies where one day the guy just wakes up as the girl, and sometimes I really wished it was that easy.

What I went through was totally different. It was slow, gradual, and took....well, I don't know how long. It's hard to say. I didn't really keep track, what with all the depression and complete freak-out episodes. So yeah, you don't get to watch. Sorry.

Go on, make up a scene in your head and do it any way you like. I promise I'll wait. Just picture all the sweet and sexy stuff you want. If you're a perv, knock yourself out. It's not like I'll ever know anyway.

Done yet?

Good, because once that time had passed, I barely resembled my former self. I had all the desirable accoutrements: svelte figure, graceful curves....all the stuff you'd normally expect from member of the fairer sex.

And I hated every minute of it.

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“So, let’s do it.” I said, heart racing as I looked at Nick.

“But what are we looking for?”

“How the hell should I know?” Nick was a good head taller than me now, making me look up at him as I spoke.

“Fine.” He muttered, opening the door “But whatever happens, remember this was your idea.”

Bursting through like a couple of cops in a drug bust, we found ourselves standing in the storage room, engulfed by the miasma of strange sensations and a noxious feelings of ill will. I had formulated the idea that somehow, if we looked hard enough, we'd find the mound of murderous, satanic crickets that had been constructed to cause my ceaseless transformation. Maybe it was behind the fountain of blood we'd overlooked.

We searched the room high and low, looking in and every conceivable nook and cranny, but we didn’t find anything vaguely interesting aside from a box of Yu-Gi-Oh cards and a packet of Tropical Fruit Bubbleicious gum. After all, the room was empty when we had moved in, so it made sense this effort was a doomed effort.

That was until Nick spoke up, all hunched in a corner. “Kane, take a look at this.”

“Huh....What is it?” I walked over to where he knelt, watching as he dug his fingers under the edge of an old floorboard, prying it up effortlessly. I could see the nails had been removed some time ago as he stuck a hand into the space below, and produced a small wooden box.

“Give me that!” I snatched the box out of his hand, instantly regretting doing so. I bit my lip and looked at him from the corner of my eye. “Sorry.”

Nick nodded solemnly. “It’s alright.”

I opened the box and peered inside, not really knowing what to expect. It was just a box, crammed with a few old personal belongings of the previous tenant; a couple of necklaces and a bag of pot that was swollen with mould. Rummaging through the contents, I hit the jackpot: A small leather-bound diary belonging to someone called ‘Darla’ buried at the bottom.

The book was pretty incoherent. Whoever had written in it was either in a hurry, rabid or just plain unhinged. The entries started out well enough: A girl talking about life in high school, boys and how she felt about her friends. If fact, I felt kinda guilty reading it. Like I was peeking into someone’s life without their permission.

She kept writing about her best friend, a girl called Emily. But as I read from one page to another, seeing how they hung out and had fun. But as I moved from one entry to the next, her notes became more feverish and disjointed. From what I could gather, she was jealous of someone who was taking Emily away from her, and poisoning their relationship.

The last entry was dated several years ago. It was barely legible, but the message was pretty clear:

“As I write this, the forces I have summoned are beyond my control. The price of vengeance is high, and I fear it will consume me body and soul. By condemning Martin, I realize too late that I have doomed myself. Ionly hope that the Mother can grant me the wisdom, and the Father gives me the strength to survive this mistake.”

I closed the book at stared at Nick. Suddenly everything was beginning to make some kind of fucked up sense, even though I really didn’t want it to. They say the truth will set you free. I say the truth just scared the living crap out of me.

“What do you want to do with this stuff?” He asked.

I looked back to him, my mind clear for the first time in weeks.

“Burn it.”

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We stood outside in the cold night air, watching the dance of flames cast shadows across the yard. I gazed at the old steel bucket, fire destroying the last possessions of a woman who had left her presence behind when she disappeared. Though now I understand it was because she committed an act so heinous it had destroyed herself in the process. Tiny embers were picked up by the wind and scattered into the air, twisting like butterflies before falling back to earth.

I began to wonder if it was such a good idea after all. I thought that by destroying her belongings, we may be able to remove whatever force it was that still lingered. But was I sealing my fate? I had looked through the diary one last time before I placed it in the bucket, but I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I was driving the last nail into my own coffin.

Over the next few days, the presence had begun to fade from the spooky room. It wasn’t gone by any means, but it was slowly diminishing, the source of its power having vanished in the last embers of the fire. Regardless, the curse afflicting me was determined to run its course, with or without the diary and its contents.

I had given away college completely. The last time I showed up to a programming class, the lecturer looked at me and asked what my student number was, assuming I had arrived in the wrong classroom. I didn’t even stick around to tell him. I just ran out the door and hid around the cafeteria, waiting for Nick to arrive for his morning break. He sat down at the opposite edge of the table, took one look at me and exclaimed “Jesus .H Christ, you look like hell.”

“Thank you Captain Obvious.” I said, trying to avoid his gaze.

“Look, I think you should at least see a doctor, maybe they can tell you what’s going on.”

“And tell them what?” I cried, struggling to keep my voice low enough that nobody could hear us “That I’m some freak with a weird voodoo curse?”

We didn’t talk after that; Nick simply ate his lunch in silence, before leaving me behind to attend his next class.

I began to spend more and more time in the solitude of my bedroom, my crossover into girlhood continuing ceaselessly. Since the incident in the Cafeteria, I had banned Nick from entering without express permission. I couldn’t bear to be seen by anyone. I felt like I was a freak, or some kind of monster. Alone in the darkness of my room, I began to notice something else about my skin: It wasn’t just soft skin; it looked more youthful, like some L’Oreal advertisement belched up by Satan himself. Was I getting younger? What kind of fucked up logic was that?

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I awoke the next morning, but instead of getting up I lay in bed with my eyes still closed, my skin tingling with the fresh kiss of morning air. It was a moment where deprived of sensory feedback, I could imagine nothing had changed at all. Time could stand still, and I could wait forever in that moment of blissful ignorance.

But as they say, all good things must come to an end. Reaching out in the darkness, I clasped a small mirror I’d been keeping beside the bed. I guess when your body is being reshaped slowly against your will, you tend to obsess over every little detail.

Looking into the mirror, I had no option but to finally accept the truth of what was taking place. Lustrous dark hair hung to my shoulders, tousled from a rough nights sleep. My features were feminine and smooth, with rounded cheekbones and small, pouty lips. At first glance you could guess I was a half-cast, maybe Japanese or Korean, but it wasn’t deeply apparent save for the eyes and the light olive skin.

If what had happened to my face was a locomotive diving onto jagged rocks, then my body was the passenger cars full of screaming children. Naked save for a pair of boxer shorts, I could see that I was just about done on my trip to a fresh pair of XX chromosomes. My body looked so small and fragile compared to the pillar of manhood (Hey, I can dream too, can't I?) I had been not so long ago. This was more than I could bear. I mean, who can be expected to deal with this kind of crap? I pulled my knees up to my chest and sobbed quietly, feeling completely overwhelmed.

I didn’t notice Nick when he entered my room until he sat on the edge of the bed, smiling weakly but not really sure what to say.

“Look…..Maybe we should go out for a while. You’ve been spending way too much time around the house. Maybe you should get out and relax a little. Let off some steam, ya know?”

I shook my head, unable to meet his gaze. “Not gonna happen.”

He sighed quietly. “Come on Kane. Look, I know something is happening to you, but you’re still the same guy on the inside.”

“What the fuck would you know?” I shrieked, frustrations quickly boiling to the surface. “How could you possibly begin to conceive what is happening to me? Don’t even begin to tell me what the fuck I should do!”

I waited for his reaction, but instead he sat silent. And for the first time I could see the pain and anger he must be experiencing, watching events unfold but being unable to do a thing about it.

“How do you think I feel? I have best friend who has turned into the living dead because of some…..fucked up…..something! Jesus, is this how it’s gonna be? Are you just going to roll over? Is that it? Well fuck that. If you want to give up and die, go ahead. Just don’t expect me to help you.”

He stood up and walked out, the bedroom door slamming shut behind him. I don’t know how long I sat silently in disbelief, feeling like a complete jerk. Nick was right. I was pushing away the only person in the world that could help me. I shook my head and stood up, pulling on a t-shirt which covered me down to my hips. Stepping outside, I could see Nick watching television on the sofa.

“Nick…..I’m sorry. It’s just a lot for me to deal with right now…...”

Nick nodded. “I understand. Would you consider going out now? You can say no if you really want.”

The truth was I didn’t want to go anywhere. The idea of going out seemed more abhorrent than staying here and letting my body convert itself to total femininity. But Nick was trying to help, and I didn’t want to completely alienate him before we reached lunchtime. In the end I caved, no longer willing to fight.

“I guess so.”

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Of course, I had my own terms and conditions for this little exercise in civility. Firstly, I insisted that we go out to dinner that evening. My reasoning was at least it would be difficult for anyone to see me properly, hidden in a crowd. Secondly…..well, it wasn’t really a condition. I just wanted to get something different than the usual fare of Pizza and Chicken. So we agreed to try some Chinese food.

Getting dressed was becoming a problem, since none of my clothes properly fit anymore. I had to settle on a pair of shorts that looked entirely big on my small frame. The only saving grace was they were almost obscured by the shirt which was so big I felt like I was wearing a tent. Checking my reflection, for all intents and purposes I looked like a young girl dressed in her older brothers clothes. For a moment I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, before Nick stood behind me and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Ready?”

“Sure....” I said, forcing a smile.

The trip downtown was spent in silence. I watched the world pass by from the passenger window, the town alive and vibrant as teens and college students revelled without a care or worry to speak of. I could feel jealousy building in my stomach like a cancer, swelling with nothing but contempt for the hand fate had dealt me.

The streets were lined with trees draped in faerie lights, adding to the festive atmosphere that in turn only fed my resentment. I should have been happy, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The car came to a stop outside a row of shops nestled against the beachfront, and I could smell the salty tang wafting through the air while I stepped out of the car. Glancing at a neon sign hanging above us, I turned to Nick with a puzzled expression. “A sushi bar?”

Nick smiled as he climbed out of the car. “Sure, you said you wanted something different.”

“I guess so, but I’ve never had sushi before. What if it sucks?” I felt the damp sea breeze ruffle my hair.

Nick shrugged. “Then we’ll go somewhere else.”

To be perfectly honest, Japanese food has never really agreed with my palette. Once I bought a bottle of Sake after watching anime one too many times, and I couldn’t stand the taste of it. So I was a little sceptical about sushi to say the least. We sat at a small wooden table and enjoyed the atmosphere as best we could. An attractive blonde girl took our orders, and while I didn’t miss an opportunity to steal a glance at her cleavage, I didn’t really feel anything special about it. I tried to shrug it off as just being stressed. I really hoped it was stress.

To my disappointment, the sushi was just strange as I expected it to be, but I tried to keep up with Nick as we attempted any form of normal communication. Not that we really had any success. I was beyond depression, my whole body felt numb, almost like this was happening to someone else.

Nick tried to look nonchalant as he took a bite of his meal “So, I guess we’ll have to work out what to do now?”

“Yeah” I nodded quietly, staring at my plate.

“I’m being serious here.”

I looked up and stared blankly “Huh?”

“I’ve been thinking, ever since the argument we had this morning.” His expression shifted while he spoke, looking slightly more reluctant. “I’ve been considering our options. I could take you to a doctor, but I’m not sure what good it would do. I think it’s pretty obvious that we’re dealing with something that isn’t normal.”

He sighed, looking at his meal. “Fuck it, we both know that this is some kind of super-doom-evil-magic deal, but until we find out whatever the hell it is, we’ll just have to try and adapt to the situation.”

I felt like I should be angry, as though he was suggesting we should give up. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Nick was making sense. I may end up being a girl, but if I fought it every step of the way, maybe we could find a way to undo what had been done before it was too late.

As though on cue, the heavens opened outside and sent rain pouring into the streets. I watched crowds scatter for cover in every direction from the onslaught. I did try to have a more light hearted conversation with Nick after his confession, talking about movies and the kind of stuff we usually enjoyed. But the whole time neither of us could really shake the feeling of how weird this was. Deciding that we’d had our fill of Asian culture for the evening; Nick stood up and went to pay the bill just as the staff shifts were rotating. New arrivals began getting ready while others disappeared into the storm outside.

I stood outside while I waited for Nick in front of the restaurant, hidden safely in an alcove as rain fell ceaselessly beyond. A lone figure exited the back of the sushi bar and began to make its way to the street, features obscured by a long raincoat and hoodie to shield it from the elements. As the stranger moved, a small, feminine hand plucked a cigarette from it’s mouth and tossed it away, landing by my feet.

Everything is capable of affecting something else in a small, subtle way. Look it up on Wikipedia. It’s called The Observer Effect: By interacting with an object you also change it (I did mention I was part geek, yes?). As the small figure passed by, I felt weak at the knees. Every fibre of my being seemed to react to her presence somehow. I closed my eyes and opened them, trying to understand what I was feeling. As my senses returned, I searched for the mysterious figure, but she had already vanished from my sight.

By the time Nick had emerged at the front of the restaurant, I was already off and running through the downpour. I heard a cry of surprise as he started moving after me, but the distance between us was already too great for him to cover. My clothes were soaked and strands of wet hair clung to my skin. But through it all I kept running until my throat was raw and my legs couldn't carry me any further.

I found myself standing at the edge of a wooden pier, listening to the sound of waves crashing against pylons below. Rain stung my face as the wind whipped by, cold enough that it felt like it razors cutting my skin. I’d lost the stranger a long way back, so what was I doing here? I didn’t know why I ran before. It seemed like the only thing I could do. Folding my arms to shield myself from the gale, I looked out to the horizon through the storm, watching the ocean churn and swell with anger.

I felt so alone standing against the fury of the elements, like I could step over the edge and vanish from this world forever. I found myself peering over the lip of the pier, lamenting everything that had been inflicted on me. As I observed the rage of the ocean below, I realized that I would never stand a chance in such a raging swell. A strange feeling overtook me: I felt calm and at peace with myself, for the first time since this ordeal began. Before I even realized what was happening I had one foot over the edge, and the world spun around as the waves rushed up to meet my face.

Life itself seemed to waver as I was tossed about beneath the surface. I didn’t know anything except that it would soon be over. A release from life which would carry me away to endless slumber. I think I even smiled as my last breath of air was drawn into the churning currents. The seas roared and thunder boomed out across the sky as I floated lifelessly under the waves. All my pain and sorrow seemed to fade away as I saw a faint light begin to move before my eyes. It danced and twirled with a magnificent splendour. It was like a butterfly made of a pure, radiant energy. The world’s most beautiful butterfly.

It was in that moment, as my body sank toward the ocean floor, in that last instant before I was beyond any redemption, I remembered Nick, my friends and family.

And I realized I had no reason to die.

My lungs screamed and muscles roared in pain as my head broke the surface of the waves, sweet air pouring into my mouth. The surf was tossing me about like a like a leaf on the wind as I pulled myself against a wooden pylon. Through the howl of rain I could hear Nick above me, calling out my name.

I watched as he leant over the edge of the pier; face a mixture of surprise and relief as he saw me clinging on to dear life below. Extending his arm as much as he dared without falling into the ocean, I felt him grab a hold of my outstretched hand.

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I never did tell Nick the truth about how I fell into the ocean that night. I just fed him some line about tripping on an ill-tempered mutant sea bass. I’m not sure wether he really believed me, but he never did mention it again. For the next couple of days we just stayed about the house, Nick blew off his classes and we spent some time getting used to how freaky this situation really was. Less than a week later, the transformation had run its course. Where once stood Kane: Proud example of masculinity and loveable jerk, there now stood Kane: Fifteen year old half-Japanese girl. We figured it was Japanese, though it could have easily been something else, we didn’t know. It was just a guess and we ran with it.

I stood about 5’5” at the most, which killed me because I’d lost over a foot in height. Everything suddenly felt like it was twice as big, which was a complete lie on my part. You could see the Asian influence around the face, but it wasn’t really prominent. Just something that added a dash of exotic flavour to the spice mix. I was slender without being waifish, curvy without being egregious.

I had worked one thing out though; I hated having breasts. I don’t know if you’ve ever realized this, but breasts aren’t some kind of magic jelly attached to women’s chests which allow them to walk around in pure bliss while trying to attract the opposite sex. They move around all the time. And I’m not taking about when I’m on a trampoline or stage diving, Just walking around is enough to get them going under your shirt. And it’s really annoying. Trust me. When I go up they go down. When I go down they threaten to hit me in the face. I didn't even know how big they were, since I've never been the type to pay attention to all the sizing charts in the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Just trust me: big enough to bug the hell out of me.

Nick and I sat around the house the next day, me all huddled up on the couch wearing a bathrobe that fit me like a marquee. We were playing the video games, since I just felt like blowing something up. Just when I was settling into a nice killing spree, Nick had to ruin everything by getting all serious. This is just one of those things you don’t do in the middle of a killing spree. It totally screws with my rhythm.

“Kane, I’ve been thinking.” He paused the game and set the controller down.

“That sounds ominous...”

“Shut up. Because here’s the thing: We can get a new identity for you. Hell, I’ve got enough programs on my computer to make birth certificates and nobody would be able to tell the difference from.”

“So, what's your point?” I felt an uneasy sensation creep up on me. Sure, I was coping with being a girl, but just barely. See this weenie? This weenie is your ego. Now balance the weenie on a razor wire suspended above a pit of rabid babies. This is your ego as a girl.

He tried to look relaxed, but you could tell if he put any more pressure on himself, his head would just pop off. “I think you’re gonna have to go back to school. High school.”

This is your weenie being devoured by rabid babies. “You’ve got to be kidding”

He smiled a little, trying to be friendly in an I’m-a-jerk-and-telling-you-to-go-back-to-school kinda way. “I’m serious. Think of it this way: You can go back, ace your grades, and probably go to a better college than the one in this deadbeat town.”

I stared at him blankly. “You’re such a ham and cheese fuckwich.”

“Come on, I’m serious. If you don’t go back and rebuild your life, the only job you’re gonna get is working the fries at McDonalds.”

I hate it when people have a point, because it usually means they’re right. I sat and thought about what he said for a long time, but I faced facts eventually. I had to abandon everything and make a start fresh. It’s a rare chance I guess. Wether or not I appreciated it for what it was, I'm not sure.

I didn’t want to give in straight away. What was left of my masculinity pulled me over and demanded that I be as reluctant as possible, no matter now helpful Nick was trying to be. I rolled my eyes and let out a long, painful sigh. “I’ll think about it.”

Nick threw me a lop-sided grin. “You get to see girls naked in the locker room.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”

------------------------------------

Chapter Two.

When I used to be a guy, I always wondered what going back to school would be like. Knowing what I do now and all that crap. I guess guys have this whole thing about being driven to succeed at everything, which eventually leads to wondering what you could have done better. Point is, after my getting over Nick’s suggestion that I go back to high school, I was actually kinda liking the idea

Think about it. You don’t have to worry about getting fired from school for screwing up, you can wear whatever you want. You don’t have a boss to suck up to, and its seven hours a day, tops. So yeah, I guess I was looking at this as an opportunity to live out that fantasy of getting good grades, being cool, and generally being way awesome in all the ways I wasn’t the first time around.

Other than that, I'm not really sure why I went along with it. Who knows? You'd stop questioning a lot of things too if you had a switch flicked from XY to XX chromosomes for no logical reason. So excuse me if I sound a little cranky. I have to try and deal with this crap along with about ten kajillion different things right now, because suddenly half the things I’ve always thought were absolute and true are completely different in my head. It’s like up is down, left is right, and forward is twirling directly into the sun.

Anyways, I had some time to think about high school and prepare myself for the inevitable. First thing was I had to pick a new name for myself. Nick and I must have spent the better part of a week trying to think of something. I mean, it wasn’t really high on the list of priorities, because we had so much other stuff to take care of (And it’s not like I was easy to get along with). We went on shopping trips for all the usual stuff I’d be needing for school, along with whatever junk a teenage girl would probably accrue over fifteen years of her life. We did actually settle on a name, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

The funny thing is, when I used to get bored and had nothing better to do (which was almost every night) I would trawl around the web looking for really twisted stuff. Not because I got off on it or anything, just stuff I found mildly amusing because it showed just how completely messed up some segments of humanity were compared to the whole. Neo-Nazi’s, harajuku girls, and ultra-conservative Christians denouncing the filth on television. You name it; I’ve probably checked it out at one time or another.

Every now and then I’d stumble on a story someone had written about what would happen if a guy turned into a chick, and the sexy adventures that would quickly ensue. The funny thing is that unless you’ve actually had this happen to you (and let’s face it, who has?) there is no comparison. Seriously, I checked one out yesterday and I nearly broke down laughing. They’re all the same, really. Guy turns into chick, immediately has a shower and masturbates, then goes shopping for a new wardrobe. Has it even dawned on anyone how absurd that sounds?

So let me clear this up for all the aspiring literates and would-be writers: Shopping sucks out loud. Sure, most chicks probably love it, and I guess I can understand. You want know why?

Because they know what they’re doing.

They know what garments they want. They know what size of clothing fits properly. And they don’t make a complete idiot of themselves in front of the sales girl because they’re more clueless the guy who was dragged along to help, who for the record couldn’t look more disinterested if he tried.

We walked around the mall for hours. Painful hours. The kind of pain you can only get when you take to your own ego with a cheese grater. I’m not even going into details, because those are the kind of stories I’d be saving for a therapist if I actually believed they wouldn’t lock me up without a key. So you don’t get to hear them. Sorry. If you really want to find out, go find your own room possessed with evil magic and see how you like it.

So we picked a name during those arduous hours of traversing the mall, because it just seemed like the thing to do when you’re trying to take your mind off how you ran screaming from the last store because some townie asked if you were going to the big party at Bogey Lowenstien’s house. Nick wanted to go with something inconspicuous, like Christie or Tina. However nothing really clicked for me, so in the end, I just told him what it was going to be.

Faye Valentine.

For those of you who aren't familiar, Faye Valentine is a character from a popular Japanese anime who was cryogenically frozen, then thawed out in the future with no memory of her life. Total amnesiac. She was twenty years old and didn't have any idea of who she was, not even her name. So I figured we had something in common. We were two girls who woke up one day and realized we didn't have a past. I’d even cut my hair and dyed a few streaks of bluish-purple into my ebony tresses, just to get a little closer to the girl I idolized.

And that was it. A week after finding myself a girl, barely having enough time to even get my head around the whole concept, I stood at the edge of the long path leading into the grounds of Delacroix High: A school famous for being named after some third rate politician. Empowering, isn't it?

I’d managed to toss an outfit together from all the stuff we’d bought which I felt pretty comfortable with, given that anything majorly feminine was off the list. I settled for a plain black t-shirt, with jeans and some chunky sneakers to top off the ensemble. Not really what you’d call fitting in with the girls, but that wasn’t really at-

“Hey, watch where I’m going!” Was the rallying cry of a figure over my shoulder, right before slamming into me full tilt. The momentum of the impact sent me sailing into a trashcan, garbage scattering in all directions as I skidded to a halt against the pavement. A chorus of laughter went up from a crowd of kids who had quickly gathered to watch my display of acrobatic ineptitude. Shaking my head, I tried to get a grasp on the situation. However, I quickly realized the culprit was already long gone, disappearing on a BMX toward a cage where bikes were stored.

An eerie moment of clarity descended on me, and I knew this was a defining moment. My first day here and people we already trying to put me in my place. I curled my small hand into a fist, seething at the thought and what it meant if I let the incident slide.

"Get your ass back here!" I leapt to my feet, sprinting down the path as quickly as I could. I'd discovered not long ago that being smaller and lighter had its advantages, and one of them was being pretty quick on my feet. I managed to catch up with my adversary; a teenage girl with sandy blonde hair, locking her bike against a steel pole. Launching myself forward, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her to the ground.

I'm not really sure what happened next. Maybe it was male instincts mixing with the adrenaline rush, but I swung wildly with my fists, trying to strike her over and over.

The problem with that idea, while sound in theory, was that I hadn’t yet tried fighting as a girl. It turned out my punches had about as much effect as being caught in a pillow fight. Before I knew it she’d rolled on top of me, her long hair falling into my eyes as she rained down blows that felt a good deal more effective than anything I’d dished out. Before I'd even had a chance to cry uncle, I was being wrenched apart from her by unseen hands. Teachers swarmed around us, trying frantically to separate us before the gathering crowd grew a taste for blood. I could feel tears welling up behind my eyes as I struggled to keep whatever cool I had left, my body left trembling as I was hauled to my feet and led away to the Principals office.

And that's where I found myself, sitting in the middle of a musty office, walls lined with old pictures of Delacroix alumni. You’ll never see a more impressive collection of freaks outside of a cosplay photo party. Apparently, the principal had decided to assert his authority by making us wait a half hour by for no discernable reason. This left me with nothing better to do than consider how I could kill Nick and hide his body for ever suggesting this in the first place.

Across from me sat the girl who’d single-handedly destroyed any chance I’d ever have of building a shred of credibility around here. Teens can smell fear. They know when you’re vulnerable, and they’ll lean on you every second of every day until you break. Why? Its fun, it’s easy and because they can. Above all else, I’d wanted to avoid giving anyone a reason to make an example of me. But here I was, sucking on a double-scoop of crap-flavored ice cream instead of making a name for myself.

The sound of every second passing from the clock mounted above me was deafening. All I could do while I waited for my inevitable punishment was sit and stare at my fellow prisoner. Speaking of which, I didn’t even know her name. Not that it mattered, but there had to be some other way to pass the time instead of chewing my nails or counting tiles on the floor.

“So what’s your name?”

She stared at me as though I’d asked how she looked naked "Why the hell do you want to know?"

I rolled my eyes. “You have something else to do?”

She turned her gaze away, not happy to admit she was just as trapped. “It’s Rachael.”

"Okay Rachael, could you tell me why you bowled me over back there?" I said, pulling a tangled lock of hair behind my ear.

"I wasn’t really watching. Most people know not to stand in the middle of the fucking path when some of us are trying to get to school on time.”

Can't really fault that logic. "I'm not in the mood to be making enemies on my first day. I have enough to deal with as it is without adding you to my list. So how about we just drop this, and pretend nothing happened, okay?”

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Fine by me."

With the situation resolved, we were left with an awkward silence that quickly grew from unpleasant to intolerable. I always hated silence, which is why I feel compelled to break it.

“Geez...” I muttered. “The Breakfast Club made me believe this would be a lot more interesting.”

Rachael looked at me quizzically. "Huh?"

"You know, 80’s movie….Molly Ringwald?”

Her confusion grew exponentially. "Huh?"

I sighed, abandoning that line of conversation. "Never mind."

Rachael didn't take her eyes off me, but I could see she was suppressing a smile. After that we returned to sitting in silence, which gave me all the time I didn't want to mull over my situation. I hated this new life. I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns.

I don't claim to know how other people think, or what their internal processes are. I'm the kind of guy who has his own way of dealing with problems in life. And I've dealt with everything lately by pushing my problems deep down inside myself, sealing them away where I don't have to consider their existence. As long as I can focus my thoughts on better things, I don’t have to worry about what is staring back at me every time I look into a mirror.

But we all know what happens when you do this: All those little problems coalesce into a ball of pure, untainted evil. And the more problems you pour into its lipid surface, the smarter it gets until the cage can no longer hold it. I didn't know it at the time, but the ball was already picking the lock.

Eventually we were released back into the wild, once the principal ordained to see us. He gave us the tired old speech about setting an example for younger students and how we should straighten up and fly right. Rachael wandered the empty hallways with me, classes already having started not long ago. I stopped in front of the locker I’d been assigned, rummaging through my bag to find the combination slip.

“Wow, you’re on sacred ground.” She said, noting the locker I’d been given.

“Huh?”

“Your locker. I hear it used to be owned by this chick called Heidi Fleegleman. She was here a few years back. I've never seen her, but the girl's coach keeps ranting about how she used to be the greatest cheerleader ever and all that shit.”

Just what I need. Knowing my luck, this thing has a spell on it that will turn me into a cheerleader on top of everything else. I threw my books inside and slammed the door shut. I caught a glimpse of stickers and graffiti that were still lining the inner walls, but I didn't really care to clean it out. After all, I was already running late for class. Wouldn't want to miss out on that.

------------------------------------

It's a cliché when someone says “How hard could it be?” and right away finds out just how damn hard it can be. It's the sort of joke that leaves you asking that if all the world's a stage, then why do the people in the front row make you want to burn the theater down after blocking the exits? Well it's even less funny when it happens to you.

Each class dragged from one into the next, with no end in sight whichever way I turned. Why? They were boring me to death. I knew the content forwards and backwards. But on top of that, I was starting to get the feeling that every time I answered a question correctly, I raised the schools collective ire for me just a little higher.

Great. I can’t fit in, and trying to do any work around here isn’t helping my cause either.

Lunchtime wasn’t much better. I found myself ignored by everyone, save the complete social outcasts and charity cases. You know what I’m talking about. Remember how you’d start your first day of school and there’d be this bunch of kids who were super-nice? Yeah, they’re at the bottom of the food chain. And if you even spoke to them, or showed any kind of kind of emotion toward them that didn’t include pure, untainted venom, then your social life was over before it had even begun.

I sat in the cafeteria by myself, staring at my lunch while poking at an oddly processed meat with the tip of my fork. I could hear kids laughing behind my back, making snide remarks about the geeky new girl. They were daring me to react, cause a scene, hoping I'd give them all the reason they'd ever need to ostracize me for the rest of my life.

Instead it felt like every word was a nail down a chalkboard, making my skin crawl with contempt and revulsion. I’d come here with plans of pulling off all kinds of cool stuff I’d never been able to do as a guy, or at least try to make the most of a bad situation. Instead all I’d managed to do was walk down exactly the same geeky, loser road I’d managed the first time around. Nobody was impressed. Nobody even cared that I was here.

“Nice pity party you’ve got going, mind if I join?”

I turned my gaze up to see Rachael dropping her lunch in front of me, before taking a seat. “Having fun yet?”

“Are you kidding?” I said, feeling a surge of relief that someone was acknowledging my existence. “I’m getting mobbed by geeks, and all the little cliques won’t even look at me.”

“What’s your point?” She said, digging through her lunch bag.

“My point?” I said, feeling exasperated. “It’s just….never mind. This day is worse than I’d ever thought possible.”

“Fuck them.” Rachael produced a piece of moldy fruit, examining it briefly before throwing it over her shoulder. “Look, you’re new here, so I at least owe you this much: I don’t know who you were at your last school, or why you’re trying to get everyone’s approval here, but just stop right now, kay?”

“Thanks. That’s great advice. I’ll just go off and die in a fire now.”

Rachael put her lunch bag aside and gave me a serious look. “I mean it. You think anyone here honestly cares about how you look or the way you act? Who cares about all the little popular girls anyway? Put a bag over their heads and they're just dull storytellers. It's a waste of attention.”

I couldn’t help but smirk at her appraisal “You think so?”

“Yeah, totally. So stop trying to be someone you’re not. I’d rather stab myself in the face then suck up to the preps, emo’s, beautiful people, or whoever the hell thinks they’re better than me just because of the clothes they wear or the car they drive. Look at those people who have been denied a personality because the world rewards them for their looks. Hammer to face changes everything.”

“You’ve got allot of hostility built up there.”

“It’s more of a backed up toilet.” She smiled, taking more pleasure in my revulsion than she should. “You get the idea.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sorry, I’m kinda new to all this.”

“It’s casual. Joining a new school always sucks.” Rachael said, taking the ball and running in the wrong direction with it.

Before I had a chance to respond I was cut of by the bell, signaling that lunch was over. Rachael and I wrapped things up, agreeing to meet once classes were over. I felt a little better for knowing that at least something was starting to go right. As I watched her disappear into the crowds flowing out of the lunch room, I actually took a moment to relax and collect myself. After everything that I’d put up with recently, maybe things were starting to look up for me.

------------------------------------

I checked my watch as the last dregs of students wandered by, all the while trying to suppress my growing anger. She ditched me. I couldn’t believe she ditched me. I stick my neck out of the gutter for ten seconds, and this is what gets shoveled in my face? The final bell had rung nearly twenty minutes ago, and there I was, standing around like a total idiot waiting for someone who was not going to magically appear in front of me. Or jump out of a cake. Not that I couldn't always use some cake.

Still, I wasn’t getting any younger (Yes, I do appreciate the irony) standing around, so I decided to leave by myself. At first, I wasn’t really sure where I was even going. It’s not like I was avoiding going back to my place, I guess it was more to do with the fact I’d had a lousy day. You know where it gets to a stage where you just want to kick someone’s ass? It doesn't matter who they are, or how nice they’re trying to be. You’d punch a nun if she got in your face. Somewhere in the corner of my mind I was glad to know that even though I wasn’t a guy, I was still capable of projecting blind hostility for no valid reason.

Of course, none of that was really helping me get out of my foul mood. Walking by yourself lets your mind wander, and that’s when you find yourself asking all the questions you've been deliberately avoiding.

Am I enjoying this too much?

Admit it, you’re enjoying this, aren’t you? You like being the dark horse. The girl who doesn't fit in. The girl. A girl. Isn’t this so much better?

“Fuck off”. I muttered.

The little ball of pure, untainted evil likes to play tricks on you. It speaks with your voice, mews seductively in your ear. In your mind’s eye it’ll look the same as you, like talking to the person on the other side of the mirror. If the girl I saw had a name, I’d call her Sickness.

I watched the afternoon sun slowly hide itself behind the horizon, blindly wandering though the streets, trying to take my mind off the questions plaguing me. Sickness danced alongside me with every step, prodding and needling me with endless queries.

“A little far from home, aren’t we?” she quipped as I strode alongside a row of warehouses.

“Can we have this conversation when I’m feeling slightly less insane?”

“Oh come on.” Her smile broadening. “You’ve seen Fight Club enough times to know how this works.”

“Didn’t you used to be a guy?” I said, recalling all the times I’ve had conversations with myself.

“I move with the times.”

I quickened my pace. “Just hurry up and tell me what you want.”

“For you to admit the truth.” She chided. “That everything up until now has been a complete and utter lie. You’ve betrayed your beliefs and everything you ever stood for. If you can admit that, then we’re done.”

“Not going to happen.”

She leant in, smiling like a Cheshire cat. “Really? You should know that if you take even the slightest bit of pleasure in anything that’s happening, you only prove my point. After all, what kind of man would enjoy being a woman even the smallest bit?”

I stopped to brace myself against a wall, anger surging through my veins like molten rock. “Shut up. I’m not in the mood to discuss this.”

“You’re not a man. You’re nothing. Just a closet tranny who can’t even admit that being a little girl is everything he ever wanted.”

Sure, she was just my head playing tricks on me. And I knew that at any moment I could make her disappear with a thought. But none of that made her any less right.

“Shut up!” I yelled, reflexively slamming my head against the concrete to shut out the noise. The world vanished in an explosion of light behind my eyes, causing me to wonder if it was such a good idea to inflict massive head trauma upon myself. Sickness dissipated and melted into the darkness as my body fell unconscious against the sidewalk.

Being knocked out isn't like in the movies where you can just tap someone and take them out for several hours. There are varying degrees of sleepy-weepy time. In my case, I woke up a few minutes later with nothing but a small cut and a deafening headache for my efforts. I pulled myself to my feet, gazing at the building that’d soundly kicked my ass in mortal combat. The warehouse had clearly seen better days; Its windows were broken, shattered in every frame while the paint peeling from its walls seemed to be all that was holding its decrepit skeleton together. Even the “For Lease” banner had abandoned the building and made a break for freedom on the sidewalk.

If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you why I felt drawn to the place. Rotten wooden pallets and old shipping containers were scattered about the yard, covered with jagged nails and sharp edges to snag my clothing on. Still, I pressed ahead and scouted around the structure, spying a side door torn from its hinges.

Blue tinted light from the rising moon filtered through panes of broken glass, casting shadows across a floor thick with dust and debris. The whole structure shifted whenever the wind picked up, threatening to come down around my ears. Across the empty space, I saw something I’d never begin to expect in a place like this. It was a construction of wood and steel that stood as a testament of engineering, withstanding years of abuse and exposure to the elements where the building containing it had yielded: A half-pipe covered in filth and decay. Just looking at it, I knew I’d found the siren who’s song had bought me here.

I craned my neck, examining its form while I approached. "What in the hell is this doing here?"

As if in response, guard rail creaked slowly before clattering against the floor.

------------------------------------

Chapter Three

“I'm not here. I'm not listening. This is all going on in my head.” I said, shutting my eyes while I clutched my ears.

“Of course it is.”

I let one eye creak open, casting its spiteful gaze over Rachael. “So just what the hell are you doing here?”

“Oh come on Faye. Drama much?” She said, poking distastefully at a bowl that contained dubious looking foodstuffs. “What the hell is this?”

“My dinner.” I said, crossing my legs while I looked at her innocently.

“Dinner?” She turned the bowl over, its contents unwilling to leave the ceramic housing.

I coughed. “From Saturday.”

Rachael raised a suspicious eyebrow as she shook it vigorously, to no effect.

“Saturday....last week.” I shifted uncomfortably against the bed sheets.

She shook her head as the bowl clattered against my dresser, looking around the bedroom with an air of disgust. “Jesus Faye, just what the hell do you do here?”

Step into my nightmare, the water is warm. “I dunno, it's not like I was expecting a visitor.”

“From the look of things, you haven't been expecting anyone since, geez I dunno....forever.” She said, flopping unceremoniously onto the bed beside me.

“Come on, you didn't drop in just to give me the Queer-Eye treatment, right?” I watched her chest rise and fall, her black baby doll shirt showing off a little more smooth midriff with every breath.

She gazed at the ceiling as she spoke. “Nope. Just figured I'd drop by, being Friday and all.”

I narrowed my eyes “Aren't you supposed to be at school?”

“Aren't you?”

I mulled over the fact that I shouldn't even be in school at all for a moment, before letting it slide. “That's beside the point...”

She sat up, her face suddenly lit with excitement. “Now that you mention it, if we wanted to re-evaluate your look-”

“Uh-uh. Stop, reverse.” I said. “Not gonna happen.”

“Oh come on Faye.” Rachel cast a condescending look at me. “You dress like a guy, you act like a guy, you live like a guy. Obviously you need some kind of intervention here before you turn into one.”

You know that feeling you get when you have to vomit spontaniously? “Ugh...god, don't even go there.”

“See? All the more reason to set you on the path to girlhood proper.” She smiled pleasantly. “Look, do this and I promise I'll check out that warehouse you won't shut up about. Deal?”

I give up, this isn't worth fighting. I slumped against the bed, letting out a sigh. “Sure. Why not?”

I'm not really sure if it's possible, but I think I heard Sickness laughing.

------------------------------------

Being a teenager again, you're stuck without a car. I couldn't drive the Camero, and it wasn't like Rach had a set of wheels other than her bike. With no other option, we set out walking to Rachael's place. The heat was oppressive, air thick with moisture, the sun a faint outline in the sky. Everything felt swollen, as though waiting for release. My shirt clung to my breasts, soaked with perspiration as the savage heat bore down on us.

“God, I hate you so much right now.” was all I could manage as beads of sweat stung my eyes.

Rachael smirked, pushing her bike alongside me “Two words: Puh-lease. I haven't started giving you reasons to hate me yet.”

An odd thought struck me. “So just why are you hanging with me anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just seems kinda weird. Usually when I go to a new school I get accosted by some geek from the AV club.”

Rachael shrugged “I guess I felt kinda bad for the crap I put you through that morning. Besides, I was bored and it was fun.”

“You don't take anything seriously, do you?”

“Hang on; let’s consult the 8-Ball.” She pulled an imaginary ball from her pocket and shook it vigorously. “It says you’re a moron.

”Now I'm being serious here.”

“I know!” Her words caught up in frustrated laughter. “Jesus Faye, we're fucking teenagers. Lighten up, would ya? Have some fun for once in your life. Otherwise you're just gonna get old and wind up like all the other nobody's who are thirty-something and wake up one day to realize they fucked their life.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Thirty is not that old.”

“Are you kidding me? That's an antique.”

Ugh, I'd forgotten how far away that seemed when I was fifteen the first time around. “Yeah, what was I thinking?”

“Look, you wanna know the reason I decided to get all supa-friendly? It's simple.”

I nodded. “So cough it up.”

“Alright.” She took a deep breath. “I guess I was sick of watching you begging to get your ass kicked. I'm not trying to be bitchy here. I mean, I don't know where you've been or what school you got dropped out of, so I'm not gonna judge. But in Delacroix? This place is like...I dunno, not the kind of place where you show up looking like a lesbian who wants to be ahead of the academic curve.”

Great. Just perfect. “So I guess that makes you the bad-ass or something?”

“Oh yeah. I'm fuckin' hardcore, dig? I eat my waffles with blood instead of syrup. That's right - blood. Fuckin' blood. Okay...just syrup.”

“Did you put that on your MySpace? People should know that kinda stuff.” I quipped.

She gave me a dubious look. “MySpace? Give me some credit.”

“What's wrong with that?”

“Nothing but geeks and paedophiles.” She proclaimed, looking proud of herself.

“Twittered it?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Rachael's house was one of those upper-middle class deals built for families who embraced the concept of modern, conservative living. There's two levels, separate garage and an attractive fence to keep Sparky the Welsh Corgie from destroying anyone’s yard but his own. Rachael set her bike down against the front porch before stepping inside, beckoning me to follow. A pleasant looking woman in her forties sat at coffee table, flipping through a magazine. She looked up as Rachael bounded up a spiral staircase with me in tow. “Aren't you supposed to be at school?”

Rachael didn't stop as she disappeared into the floor above “Aren't you supposed to be at work?”

She muttered, and went back to skimming through an article on glazed ceramic paints.

I did a quick double-take as Rachael led me down the corridor. “Tell me that wasn't your mother.”

“Dad's one of those corporate lawyers who's spending every waking moment of the day gouging someone else for money. He earns more than enough cash to pay for everything, so mom had a midlife crisis and decided to become a pottery artist selling vases at the Sunday markets.”

I paused to consider the situation “Makes sense.”

Rachael grabbed my arm, yanking me into her bedroom. Girls bedrooms are always easy to pick: They're scented, lingering with the hint of perfume or incense. But that was where all my stereotypes checked themselves at the door. I'd been expecting the usual gig, you know, stuffed animals, band posters on the wall, that kinda thing. But this just seemed a lot more....realistic, I guess.

The room was cluttered with all kinds of useless junk. A giant foam spider clung to the side of the lavender stained walls, cushions and DVD’s scattered about a double bed at the centre of the room. I leant against a large oak desk, hearing the Macbook behind me chime occasionally with incoming messages. “You know, all things considered, your room really isn't any better than mine.”

“Mine doesn’t look like it belongs to...a...umm...oh, I don’t know.....help me out here?”

I let out a painful sigh. She already knew the answer; this was just salt in the wound. “To a guy, right?”

She grinned brightly “Exactly. How'd you know?”

“Just a stab in the dark.” Like a knife in my gut.

“So, let's get to work, shall we?” She said cheerfully, sticking her head into the wardrobe.

I felt my pulse quicken a touch. “Uh...right. Remind me what I'm doing here again? There was something about old foodstuffs, and then my recollection gets kinda hazy...”

“We had a deal, remember? You try looking like a girl for once, and I check out that warehouse you won't shut up about.” She said, piles of loose clothing tumbling to the floor.

I smacked my palm against my forehead. Watching teenage girls trying on each others clothes: This is like every guys secret fantasy, except now it's like winning a spot on a TV game show where the prize for every correct answer is death.

“This isn't going to get weird, right?” I said, trying to act like I wasn't the least bit perturbed.

“You wish.” She said, thrusting a pile of clothes into my arms. “Try these on. I'll be downstairs, cleaning out the kiln.”

------------------------------------

I always hated getting changed. It's not because I was ashamed of my body, either. I hated changing clothes when I was a guy for completely different reasons. You're always your own worst critic, right? It's just that....I dunno. You feel like the idea of seeing yourself naked is about as attractive as a sack of potatoes. Guys don't find other men attractive, so it's not like you're going to be turning yourself on, strutting around all white and pasty in a pair of Superman boxers.

Of course, that's not quite the case any more. I'm not saying I'm thrilled with this new perspective on life. I look forward to the prospect of taking off my clothes with the same enthusiasm I do for flossing my teeth with barbed wire. But at the same time, you can't help but appreciate the beauty of the feminine form.

Let me explain. Whenever Nick came back from a life-drawing class, he'd complain endlessly if the group was given a male model. Now sure, there's obviously the part of him that's hoping to get a free show instead of staring at some guys “gentleman's luggage”. But there's more to it. Artists tend to look at beauty in terms of perfection. They can't help it. They're always looking for the best lines or most streamlined form. I've even heard some artists consider insects to be beautiful, describing the simplicity and elegance to their design.

Nick? He considers women to be superior to men. Not just in terms of beauty or the fact he wants to nail some lucky girl in the back of the Camero. I'm talking about in terms of evolution. He laid it all out for me as we rode a bus back from college. Men are angular, bulky, heavy and rough. Sure, they can be a lot stronger than women. But the more bulk you carry, the slower you become from its mass. Women are graceful, sleek, compact, light and fast. It's the total package, he'd say. Poetry in motion. Yin and Yang. Perfection.

So keeping that in mind, it's hard not to agree with him while I undress. The cotton of my shirt tickled me in the strangest way as I pulled it off, feeling it glide against the slope of my breasts. Oversized shorts slid off my waistm, mimicking the curve of soft, slender legs. I stood silent for a moment, watching my chest rise and fall as I took it all in. Even the hollow feeling of loss that lingered where my legs brushed against one other was eclipsed by the revelation that descended upon me.

Is this what it meant to be feminine? To revel in the simple delight of being such a sublime and beautiful creature? I couldn't help but wonder if I was beginning to see the tip of an iceberg. As if some deeper mystery lay below the surface of this discovery, just waiting to show itself....

I shook my head, realizing that I couldn't do this. Not now, not ever. Already I could feel Sickness clawing at the edge of my thoughts, the same thoughts that served to feed and nourish her. She can't win, not if I ever want to make it out of this with my mind and identity intact.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself with newfound determination. Reaching over, I began to dig through the pile of clothing Rachael had given to me, picking out random garments without a second thought. Hastily pulling on a printed tank top, I tried to rationalize the situation: I'm doing this out of survival. Not for enjoyment. I need to learn how to play the part, that's all. I can still be me on the inside.

The same sensations that kept me enthralled a moment ago now polarized my emotions, forcing me to paint anything I felt in shades of black, pushing them into a corner of my mind where I neither felt nor saw them. I stumbled, pulling up a pair of jeans that clung to me in ways that I suddenly found repulsive. I hated the way they moved effortlessly against my slender calves, loathing how they caressed my empty womanhood.

I gritted my teeth, closing my eyes as I tried to shut it all out. I could feel the heat of blood rushing through my ears as I clasp them. I didn't want to hear anything. I wanted sight to vanish from my eyes. Give me silence, give me peace, just give me-

“You okay Faye?”

I spun about, sending dark thoughts scattering like leaves. Rachael stood at the door, looking at me with an unsettled expression. “You've been a while. I thought I'd see how you were doing.”

I stammered, trying to think of something to say “Rach...uh, what? I could have still been getting changed, you know.”

She smiled, looking a little too relaxed all of a sudden. “Like they say, it aint nothing I haven't seen before.”

“That's reassuring.” I could feel myself beginning to relax, distracted by her presence.

Rachael looked over me, her eyes appraising my choice of wardrobe. “Not bad, still kinda masculine though. You could have at least picked out a skirt.”

“As skirt?” I said, looking aghast “Ugh..no...just....no.”

“Suit yourself.” She began picking up the surplus clothing and stuffing it back into the wardrobe. “Didn't your mother ever teach you to wear a bra though?”

I glanced down, noting how my breasts were even more pronounced through the fabric of the top. Rachael gave the wardrobe door one more push, feeling the latch click against the mountain of clothing clamouring for escape. “You’re lucky my clothes fit you enough to wear them. But that top's not going to do anything to hide your boobs.”

“Yeah, it's uh...laundry day.” Not believing myself for a moment either.

Rachael gave me a knowing look, but didn't comment. “You're outta luck there. Even if I was going to lend you one of mine, which I'm not, they wouldn't fit you anyway.”

“Why not? I mean, your clothes fit...kinda.”

She rolled her eyes, poking my chest through the fabric of my top. “You're too busty, that's why. God, don't you know anything Faye?”

I looked away, letting out a sigh of resignation. “Yeah...not that much bigger though, right?”

“Enough not to fit.” She picked up a bag, slinging it over her shoulder. “Come on, Chesty La Rue. Show me this ramp of yours and if there's time, we can hit the mall afterwards.”

Oh good, sarcasm. “Why the mall?”

She walked out the door, not waiting to see if I'd follow her. “If you have to ask, that's all the more reason to get there early.”

------------------------------------

I felt it long before I saw her. That familiar pressure building at the back of my thoughts, like the feedback from a speaker ringing in my ears. It grew stronger as we approached the warehouse, Rachael oblivious to my distress as she texted feverously on her cell phone with all accuracy of playing the piano with a pipe wrench.

I spotted the source of my anxiety lounging against the warehouse, smoking a cigarette while glancing at her watch. Without the rainstorm, I was able to see her much more clearly: More or less in her early twenties, she was an attractive Japanese girl dressed in an ordinary looking black shirt and matching slacks. Her ebony hair waved gently in the breeze, glinting gun-metal blue when it was struck by the light As we approached she stood up, flicking the remains of the cigarette away before looking towards me.

“You the one who broke the lock?” She asked, not wasting time with pleasantries.

I frowned, taken aback by her direct approach. “I didn't break any lock. The door was like that when I found it.”

“Really?” She craned her neck backward, glancing at the empty doorway. “Fuck.....I'm gonna need to get that fixed.”

“Who died and made you landlord?” Rachael glowered.

A smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Landlord? Give me a break. This place has been waiting to get torn down for years. It's what's inside that's mine.”

“Inside? You mean the ramp?”

“You catch on quick. C'mon.” She said, turning about and walking inside.

Rachael gawked at her, not sure to be more amazed with her audacity or the expectation we'd follow a complete stranger into an abandoned warehouse. I took a step forward when I felt her hand grasp my arm, fingers tight like steel wires. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” I said nonchalantly.

She narrowed her eyes. “Didn't anyone ever tell you not to hang out alone with strangers?”

I raised a delicate eyebrow. “Who told you?”

“The girl scouts.”

“You were a girl scout?” I said dubiously.

“Not after the deprogramming.”

Rachael couldn't understand why I needed to do this. To her, I was just being an asshole, I guess. But this woman, whoever she was....there was some kind of connection. I didn't know why, but it might be the only chance I ever get to find out what happened to me. I looked at Rachael, shaking my head. “Look, I can't explain this. It's just something I have to do.”

Rachael reluctantly let go of my arm, looking slightly petulant that I didn't take her side. “Fine, do what you want. I'll just be waiting here. Y'know....away from you.”

I followed the stranger into the warehouse, watching as she sauntered casually over to the ramp. “There used to be a skate park not far from here where I could hang out and practice. Fuckers in the council decided that the space would make more money as a car park. So when they were tearing the place down, a few friends and I snuck in one night, took this thing apart and loaded it onto a truck.”

I watched apprehensively, not sure how much I could trust her “So how'd you know we'd be here?”

She shrugged. “I walk home from the sushi bar where I work. It's a shortcut I take sometimes. I saw the door on the ground, figured I might wait to make sure hoboes hadn't moved in.”

The buzzing still filled my ears, though it seemed more subdued than before, like I was building up a resistance. “That's not it. Is it?”

She turned around, her eyes narrowing the smallest bit. “Why don't you tell me?”

“You feel it too, don't you?”

“Feel what?” Her eyes feigned confusion, but I knew I'd touched a nerve.

“Cut the crap! Back in the rainstorm....you know what I'm talking about!” My anger flared as I took a step toward her.

She leant back, raising an arm defensively. I don't know if she'd been lying to me or to herself about her reasons for being here, but her reaction showed the truth of the matter. “No...you're wrong.”

“Bullshit!” I curled my fists reflexively. “Tell me everything! Why did this happen? What was in our house? Just who are you?”

She shook her head. “I don't know what you're talking about...”

She was faltering. I knew if I just leant a little harder she'd break and tell me everything. “I swear to god if you don't...”

Yeah, she broke all right. But in completely the wrong way. Instead of collapsing and giving me the whole story, she levelled a finger toward me, her expression smouldering with rage.

“Fuck you!” She spat. “I don't owe you a damn thing. I don't know you, you're not my fucking friend, and I sure as shit don't have to put up with this. Fuck off.”

My mouth hung agape, all I could see was my chances of learning anything about what happened evaporating before my eyes.

She stormed past me, disappearing toward the exit. “Stay the fuck away from me and my ramp. If I ever see you again, I'll kick your sorry ass.”

And just like that, I was alone again. No answers. Just more questions. I didn't even know her name, much less anything else. I heard Rachael's footfalls behind me, approaching rapidly. “What happened? That chick just walked off and....huh....are you okay?”

I thought about her words for a moment, considering my response carefully: I'd just watched my best chance of ever finding out how I'd become a girl slip through my fingers. She was long gone, not to mention completely pissed off. Even if I saw her again, she'd already promised to beat the crap out of me.

So what that means is...If I ever wanted to find out the truth, I'd just have to get my ass kicked.

Was I okay?

“Yeah.” I craned my neck toward her and grinned. “Never been better.”

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 2

Author:

Red Elise

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Restricted Audience (r)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

TG Themes:

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Chapter one:

One of the things that perplexes me about Rachael is how she can answer questions that I don’t even ask. It's something that comes up every time I see her, and I'm still not sure why she does it. Take this morning for example: I'm sitting on the couch in my boxers, eating breakfast while I talked with her on the phone. Now that I think about it, that's a new thing for me in itself, since my friends never called me on the phone. It was always just IM's and emails, secret code of the geeks talking in “1337”.

Anyway, that's beside the point. I'm talking between mouthfuls of cereal when I begin to idly wonder about Spanish class.

“Hey Rachael, do you have texts in your locker? I think I left mine ba-”

“How come you don't live with your parents?”

See? Totally not what I asked.

I nearly choked, barely avoiding death by breakfast confectionary. “Where'd that come from?”

“I was just thinking about how I haven't seen them. What's the deal with you and Nick anyway?” She continued, with complete disregard for my near-death experience.

I set the bowl aside on the couch, careful to make sure Nick wasn't within earshot. “Okay first of all, there's no “deal” with Nick. We're friends, that's it.”

“Okay, what about your folks?”

“Sweet angry Jesus, what is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”

“Maybe.” She said. “Call it my need to know.”

Truth is, I never really spoke to my parents. It's a long story (aren't they all when it comes to family?) and I don't want to go into details. Suffice to say that I made some mistakes, and I didn't care to learn from them. I heard someone say that madness is doing the same thing over and over, until you get a different result. Turns out it took a while for that to sink in.

So we don't talk. We don't write. I just show up for my obsequious Christmas appearance once a year, and that's it. Of course, that's fine for a guy in his twenties bumming his way through college. But a teenage girl living with someone nearly ten years her senior? Yeah, I guess that was bound to raise suspicions.

“Look Rach, Nick's just a....friend of the family.” I said, mind racing for a plausible scenario. “I'm living with him until things cool off with my folks, kay? That’s all you need to know. Period.”

She seemed taken aback, sounding apologetic all a sudden “Right. Sorry, overstepped my bounds. Thanks for the reminder.”

I let out the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding “Thanks. So what did you call for anyway?”

“I dunno. Feel like blowing off class and heading down to the vert?”

“We already did that Friday, you want to make it four-day weekend?” I said, glancing at the clock.

“Sure, why not?” She chided.

“Oh geez, I'm not sure I-- Oh wait, that’s right. I'm going to get an ass kicking if I get caught, remember?”

“It's not a party until something gets broken.”

I'd already spent the weekend indoors, trying to avoid all human contact. It's not like I was worried that I might run into her again. It's just how I like to deal with things sometimes. You can shut out the world and just take things as they come. Even Sickness didn't have a reason to show her face, instead opting to lurk within the shadows patiently while biding her time. That leaves me in charge, with no reason to play things anyone's way but my way.

It was a nice little vacation from myself, but I knew that Monday would drag me kicking and screaming back to problems waiting for me in the real world. I was formulating ways I could shrug it off, when I realized that running wasn't going solve anything for me. I'd have to find out who she was, sooner or later. And the ramp was the best place to start.

“Okay, sure. How soon can you get here?”

I could hear traffic in the background of the call, realizing Rach must already be on her way here. “About five minutes.”

Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. “Oh, great. I should be ready soon.”

-------------------------------------------

The morning air was sweet and cool as I strode into the back yard, pine needles crackling under foot with every step. I'd strung some washing up last night, figuring I should at least have something clean to wear, lest I give Rachael more clues to my manly past. Just as I was tugging a shirt from the line, something caught my attention: A small metal bucket laying at the edge of my vision.

The shirt fell slipped from my fingers as I walked toward the object, astounded by its existence. This was the same bucket we'd used to burn all of Darla's possessions. The charred contents of what it held had been the architect of my destruction. What was it doing here? When the fire died out and only embers remained, Nick told me he'd disposed of it.

I grabbed a handful of clothing and raced inside, heart pounding beneath my chest. By now Nick was laying on the couch, dressed in nothing but his underwear as he watched television. He spotted me stalking inside, waving lazily as I approached. “What's with the black expression, sunshine?”

“Black expression?” I wasn't sure wether to be amused or furious with his response. “There's a bucket in the middle of the backyard that you said you had disposed of. What the hell happened?”

He shrugged, finding the sight of a livid teenage girl intimidating as you'd expect. “Yeah, I threw it over the fence. Would you rather I buried it?”

Just because I have low expectations of anything Nick does, doesn't mean I can't be horrified when he excels at failing miserably.

“I can't believe I'm hearing this. Are you serious?”

He sat up, looking indignant. “What did you want me to do Faye?”

I gave Nick a look that could punch a hole through him. “Don't call me that. Not when it's just the two of us.”

A clanging noise broke the silence as Rachael made her presence felt at the front door. I let my gaze linger on Nick, taking a moment to watch the anxiety grow in his eyes. “We can finish this later.”

“Whatever.” He said, flipping off the television and walking to his bedroom.

I let out a frustrated sigh, reluctantly opening the front door. Rachael stood in front of me, wearing a bemused smirk on her face. “Hey Faye. Still dressing like a guy, huh?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Hey Rach, still running your stupid mouth?”

“Morning to you too.” She stepped inside, not waiting to be invited.

I walked into my bedroom, digging through piles of junk I'd left strewn around. “I've still got your clothes from last week. They're around here somewhere.”

“No problem.” She said. “That reminds me, weren't we heading down to the mall last week?”

Sure. It was right on my list next to shaving my legs with a chainsaw. “I can't recall.”

“Right. This time I'm not gonna forget it.”

I quickly began to change my clothes, grabbing anything I could find. Rustling up a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, I stumbled out of my bedroom, trying to put on shoes while I walked with limited success. “Okay, right. Sure. Can we go now?”

Rachael raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Normally I wouldn't be in such a hurry to disappear, but after the previous altercation with Nick, I wasn't really in the mood to speak with him till we'd both had some time to cool off. It's not like any of this was my fault, right? He's the one who said he'd get rid of the bucket. Instead he took the one thing that completely ruined my life and threw it over the fence like it was nothing. I should have known better. He's a dumbass, and there's no accounting for dumbass...ness.

As we walked, Rachael started this whole spiel about how if we were going to be hanging out, I would need to change my attitude. It wasn't like she was telling me what to do. I suppose this was just an extension of how she saw me as a charity case, devoid of style or personality. Maybe “style” isn't the word for it. Rachael’s style is the opposite of style. Confused yet?

She broke it down for me like this: When kids become our age, they find themselves looking for an identity. It's part of growing up. So they look to other people's opinions to define themselves (Okay, this isn't how she broke it down *exactly*. There are equal parts of uber-geek analysis I'm substituting.) That's part of human nature. If someone tells you that you look good, then you must be doing something right. So everyone looks the same: A bland sea of designer handbags and imported jewellery.

Rachael isn't any less susceptible to this idea than anyone else. She still needs to define herself in the perceptions of others. The only difference is that instead of gauging her success by how well she fits in, Rach defines herself by how well she stands out.

If they wear white, she wears black. If they wear skirts, she'll wear jeans. You get the idea.

You could write it off as teenage rebellion, but it's more complicated than that. I used to know people like that...It's not a phase you just grow out of. Most people like to fit in, blend in with the crowd because it's so easy. However, people like Rachael will always find it abhorrent, because they lose their sense of identity if there's nothing to separate them from someone else.

“Hey Faye, you zoning on me?” Rach said, her hair ruffled by a warm breeze.

We had arrived at the warehouse, stopping just short of the side entrance. “No, it's nothing. It's just....wait, do you hear that?”

“Don't change the subject.”

“I'm not. Listen...” She paused, trying to catch the sound of what I was referring to. But I didn't have to listen. I could already feel that dull, familiar buzzing in the back of my thoughts, and I knew exactly what it meant. Stepping into the warehouse, I could see her hanging in the air, testing gravity's patience before falling back to earth. Her inline blades slammed against the smooth, sleek curve of the vert before hurtling skyward again.

Rachael stood beside me, bearing witness to the spectacle. Every pass bought her closer to the sky, just a few more moments where she floated effortlessly, as though she was loved by the wind itself. Descending she hit the ramp and slid to a halt, coming to rest at the bottom of the curve.

“You don't hear very well, do you?” She said, pulling off a fingerless glove.

I could feel a tightness building in my chest as I fought to keep my cool. Between the pressure in my mind and the fear of having the crap beaten out of me, it was all I could do to keep up a front. I took a deep breath, trying to meet her gaze. “Want to beat me up? Go ahead. Beat me, hate me, detest me, I don't care.”

She took a step toward me, testing my resolve. “The fuck you say?”

“I said I don't care!” Rachael looked at me with disbelief, confused as to why I would be acting like this over a half-pipe. There was a whole lot more was at stake that she wasn't aware of. Regardless, I curled my fists, my voice getting carried away with the undercurrent of swelling emotion. “I don’t care what you do to me. I'm not going to give up, not until you tell me what happened!”

I'd expected her to walk over and start smacking the hell out of me, or at least offer another tirade of venomous maledictions. Instead her gaze shifted to Rachael. “Beat it.”

Rachael's confusion escalated exponentially “Say what?”

“I said get lost.” She said coolly. “This isn't your fight.”

Rachael looked at me, expecting me to defend her. “Faye...?”

I looked at Rach, nodding slowly “Do it, I'll be fine.”

Her frustrations evident, Rachael turned about in a huff and walked to the exit, muttering as she went. “Things always gotta be complicated...”

The stranger waited until Rachael had disappeared before turning back to me. I winced a little, feeling bad about making Rach leave. But what I had to do here wasn't the sort of thing I needed her to know about. I narrowed my eyes, weary of what my adversary might do now that we were alone.

She studied me for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the vert. “What's the matter kid....why the glare?”

“You act like you've been playing me from the start.” I said cautiously.

She began to untie the laces on her blades, looking down while she spoke. “Okay, so what did you want to know? What's this burning question you just can't wait for me to answer?”

I was about to speak, when I felt the words die on my tongue. What was the question? How did I even begin to quantify everything that had happened to me? I struggled to find the words. In the end I slumped my shoulders, no longer willing to keep up any pretence.

“It's you. I mean, you're like me, aren't you? It was the same thing...that happened to you, right?”

Silence hung in the air for what seemed like hours. I watched as she removed one boot, then the other before stuffing them into a backpack she'd bought with her. “Yeah, I guess that's pretty obvious by now.”

“So what happened?” I asked, emotion straining my voice. “Tell me, please...I have to know what happened. There's a reason, right? There has to be!”

She looked up, and I could see for the first time how painful this was for her to acknowledge. All this time I'd been wrapped up in myself, thinking about how the world owed me an explanation. I never stopped to consider this woman had been subjected to the same torment and suffering I'd been forced to endure. The only thing I'd achieved was making her relive those memories she'd buried so long ago.

Finally she shook her head, standing up. “I can't do this right now. I need some time to process...”

“Please, don't. I need to know.”

“Oh my fucking christfuck...” A tired sigh hissed between her teeth. “Don't push your luck. Just give me some time, then we'll talk. You know where to find me.”

My heart sank as she spoke, forcing me to admit defeat. “At least tell me your name.”

She slung the bag over her shoulder. “It's Amy. You're Faye, right? Not a bad name.”

In that moment, it felt as though the words not being spoken were louder than those we did. “Yeah. Neither is yours.”

-------------------------------------------

I leant against the warehouse exterior, knees weak and heart pounding beneath my chest. I don't think the gravity of the situation had even made itself apparent at this point. This wasn't just a revelation. This was the kind of discovery that took everything you thought was right in the world and turned it on its head.

Where to start? I'm not crazy. Being a teenage girl isn't some psychosis bought on by terrifying experiments with all-night gaming and caffeine shot directly into my veins. There's someone who is just like me, who'd felt what I felt. She's been through the fire and come out the other side unscathed. There's so much I can learn from her, if there was just a way t--

My train of thought made a brief stopover at dysfunction junction when my pocket rumbled, cell phone vibrating within its depths.

I flipped it open, screen illuminating me with a new message of "Fuk ur frnd. fuk u 2" courtesy of Rachael.

Dammit. Like I need this at the moment. A long sigh dragged past my lips, leaving me trying to find a spot in the shade as the morning sun crept into the sky. Rach's phone rang several times, about to switch over to messaging before I heard it click.

"The hell do you want?" Rachael said, making no effort to hide her contempt.

I hesitated for a moment, knowing that this was going to be awkward no matter which way I spun it out. I settled on rambling senselessly.

"I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't explain it, you're not gonna understand it; this was just something I had to do. It was selfish and stupid, and I really wish that things didn't go down like that, but they did, and I'm just really sorry."

Crap, that even sounded girly to my ears.

Rachel seemed to mull on that for a moment "So what are you going to do to make it up to me?"

"Name it, I'm there."

I could hear a taint of perverse delight creep into her voice. "All right. I'm at the coffee shop down the street."

The phone fell silent in my ear, making me grit my teeth as it fell into my pocket. Forget being a teenager again, I'm ten years old trying to apologise to my parents.

Of course, by Rach saying "down the street", what she actually meant was a dozen city blocks. At this time of year, the sun beats down relentlessly until the air is thick and tepid with humidity. I could feel sweat beading on my skin, soaking my clothes and trickling down my legs, reminding me of places I didn't care to acknowledge.

Rachel sat at a table outside of a boulevard cafe, her glass bleeding drops of condensation in the staggering humidity. She watched my approach closely, revelling in the obvious discomfort I found myself in. I collapsed in the chair beside her, taking a moment to collect myself as the blood rushed to my head.

“You should grab a drink. It's a life-saver on a day like this.” She smiled and took a measured sip from the glass.

The trek had left my capacity for snappy repartee damaged beyond all repair. “Fuck you straight to fuck.”

“Right.” She muttered, wicked expression still smeared across her face. “You're the one who's still in the dog house, remember?”

I signalled the waitress for a jug of water. “I know, I know...”

“So buck up young lady! I've got a whole theme park full of adventures planned today.”

I looked at her wearily, sweaty locks of hair still dangling in my vision. “Such as?”

Rachael leant back in her chair, stretching lazily “Heading down to Rob and Bob's shop. We can pick up some spare parts I need for my ride and maybe hook you up with one at the same time.”

“I don't have that kind of money.” I replied flatly. “No job, remember?”

“Christ Faye, get a job or get Nick to loan you some cash.”

I looked away nervously “Yeah, about that...”

She shook her head. “It's no big. They owe me a favour anyway, so we can get you something for the right price.”

“A favour?” I gave her a quizzical look as my water arrived. “Just what kind of work do you do?”

“Get your head out of the gutter.”

“What, so yours can float by?”

Rachael paused, deciding wether to laugh that one off or kick my ass. “It's where I work, retard. I stock the shelves and do maintenance out back.”

“I guess that works.” I glanced at my watch. “When do we leave?”

Rachael finished off the rest of her coke, setting down the empty glass on the table. “Whenever you're ready.”

“One sec...” I slipped my fingers around the frosted container I'd ordered and tossed my head back. I closed my eyes and dumped its contents over my head, delighting in the torrent of icy water that exploded against my skin, soaking every inch of my clothing as it trickled downward. It felt better than I'd imagined, totally worth the expression Rachael wore on her face, barely able to keep herself from bursting into laughter.

I stood up, ignoring the incredulous looks from other patrons as I pulled the hair out of my eyes. “Let's go already.”

As is the story with my life, this brief moment of positive affirmation was blown apart by the shit-storm-sweepstakes that followed. Rachael's expression turned from delight to abstract horror as she caught sight of something approaching from behind me.

I tried to turn, or at least catch a glimpse of what she was looking at. Instead my head caught alight with stinging barbs of fire as unseen fingers grabbed a hold of my hair and wrenched it backward, my body joining the party as I was pulled from the table, kicking and screaming into a narrow alleyway adjacent to the cafe. I clawed at the shadowy assailant, desperately trying to pull myself free from its iron claws.

Rachael launched herself toward my attacker, knocking over the table as she tried to cover the distance between us. A cry went up from startled patrons, who were caught with the indecision to intervene themselves or call 911. I could only watch in slow motion as she reached toward me, edging closer, her hands almost touching mine....

An arm lashed out from my peripheral vision, connecting squarely with Rachael's jaw. It caught her flat footed, momentum going the wrong way as it connected with enough force to send her reeling to the ground, skidding to a halt beside me as she clutched her face.

Those same steely fingers wrapped around my throat, shoving me against rough brickwork as my assailant's face moved into view. She was....beautiful. Not like a girl from a magazine or a fashion show. She had the kind of beauty that always attracted guys like me, because it was so mystifying. Just one look into her deep blue eyes and you knew there were a thousand promises waiting to tell you what she was capable of, hidden in words she'd never say.

Her face crept closer to mine, a lock honey blonde hair falling over her face as she studied me; a predator contemplating the fate of its next meal. At last she spoke, her voice barely a whisper as I struggled feverishly against her grip.

“I know.”

I wracked my mind, frantically searching for what she might be implying. Without warning, I was flung back through the events of the day, coming to a jarring halt on a rusted old bucket; its contents strewn around the yard: Darla’s old diary and possessions. But that didn't make any sense. I mean, how could she know from that?

I could feel her gaze boring into me, searching the depths of my soul as she bought her lips to my ear, taunting me “I know all about you. I know what you did, and what you've become.”

I saw stars in front of my eyes, growing rapidly to cloud my vision. My whole body went numb, on the verge of passing out from asphyxiation and a severely handicapped blood flow. As if sensing my impending blackout, her hand slipped away, letting me fall to the ground beside Rachael. I wretched violently, fighting to pull air into my lungs as I became dimly aware of her footsteps vanishing into the distance.

Rachael struggled to her feet, still trembling from the blow which had nearly separated her head from her shoulders. She helped me stand, just as staff and patrons from the cafe came rushing to our aid, a day late and a buck short as usual. They crowded around us, trying to see if we were injured or needed to call for the police. I could barely hear Rachael over the ruckus. She was asking me if I was okay, over and over again, trying to break through the wall of sound.

I stared at the ground, unable to reply as my body shook uncontrollably. Was I alright? I didn't know at all.

Chapter two:

“Faye! Open up! Come on!” Nick pounded on the bedroom door.

Nope. No way. Not a chance. Fuck this, fuck Nick, fuck everything.

I sat on my bed, huddled behind my knees as I fought against the reality that relentlessly encroached upon me. I didn't care about what he wanted. I didn't care about anything. The only thing that mattered to me in this moment was to keep the world at bay. Terrified didn't even begin to cover how I felt.

“I don’t know what's bothering you, but we can try and work it out. I mean…Jesus Faye, after what you’ve been through, you’d think there wasn’t anything you couldn’t deal with.”

“Bullshit!” I cried at the shapeless figure beyond the door. “And that's not my name!”

“Okay, okay.... Look, I don’t know what to do. But when you feel like coming out of there…. I’ll be here.”

Silence rang out before I heard Nick slink away from the door. But was I really any better off without him around? All I was left with now was the lingering memory of a girl who embodied all my worst fears.

This is not my happy place. I couldn't shake the image of her; it was there every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to, but I couldn't. It was an endless loop that would get worse every time I watched it play through my mind.

The bucket in the back yard; she'd found it somehow, and now she knew my secret. Since day that we'd found it, I felt like I'd lost my place in the world. I had no past, the person I'd been no longer existed beyond the shadows of my dreams and memories. At the same time, I'd been given a future that belonged to someone else.

I lay on the bed, watching time listlessly roll from one hour into the next. Sunlight bled into the liquid oil of night. Cars came and left. Nothing mattered to me anymore, as I found myself wrapped in a slow, melancholy death.

Nine days. I couldn't believe it. Nine days ago I was a guy who had the whole world in front of him. Total freedom, independence, and a place to call my own. Now what did have? Nine days is long enough to live a lifetime through.

Long enough for one to rot.

My phone rang, flooding the room with light from its tiny screen. I could see Rachael's name flashing on the call ID, probably wondering where I'd been. “I'm sick.” I muttered, fumbling with the battery pack before tossing it into a pile of dirty laundry.

I slept and felt that I was awake. I looked at the world and felt that I was dreaming.

The silence was broken when I heard a knock at my door. I shifted beneath the covers of my bed, pretending I didn't hear them. The sound of Rachael's voice pricked at my ears as it carried softly across the room.

“Faye? Are you in there? I was kinda worried, so I thought I'd see how you were doing.” Her voice was warm, like a ray of sunshine..

I tried to speak. I wanted to....but the words died on my tongue. Caught up in my own problems, I didn't want to let them go. I'd worked so hard to believe that I was alone with my own demons, that I wasn't ready to accept any other possibility.

She tentatively pressed at the door, confirming that it was locked. “Are you alright? Have you been to a doctor or anything?”

I heard Nick speak up, telling her that it would be best if she came back later. Remember how Rachael can answer questions you didn't ask? Turns out I'm not the only one she can play card that with.

“Fuck that!” The door creaked audibly as she wrenched at the handle. “If a girl like Faye hasn't come out, it's because she's waiting for someone to go in. Christ, don't you know anything?”

Nick hesitated to answer, which was all the motivation that she needed. She turned back to the door, trying to force her way in somehow “What’s going on? You can tell me.”

The door refused to yield, causing Rachael to reconsider her options. Suddenly, she turned back to Nick “You’ve got the key for this door, right?”

Oh shit.

“Yeah, well…uh….that doesn’t really seem like the right thing do to.” Was Nick's best response, logic profound as a cannon that shoots nunchucks.

“To hell with that! Get the key and let’s get her out of there!” She growled, shoving her way past him.

She didn't wait for Nick's approval. Before he had a chance to stop her, Rachael was already rifling through the cupboards and kitchen drawers. She plucked a set of keys from the draw, the sound distinct enough to feel like church bells ringing in my ears. I could only watch helplessly as the key was pushed into the lock, pins sliding into place before the tumblers clicked, releasing the lock mechanism that kept me hidden from the world.

“Oh god.”

I curled up beneath the covers, hoping she would just disappear. She couldn't see me like this. I couldn't let someone else know the truth.

“Show me your face, Faye.” She knew just from a look that this wasn’t some medical condition. The only thing I had a case of was self pity.

“Just let me rest.” I pulled the sheets over my head “It’s enough already.”

This is the part where you realize you've crossed a line. You can push people as much as you like, but eventually you'll reach a point where they can't take it any more. There's this deep, gut wrenching sensation that settles in the pit of your stomach, where you realize the only thing you were pushing was your fleeting chance of redemption, and now it's smashed at the bottom of a ravine.

Rachael took one last, disdainful look before turning around. “I’m not coming back.”

I felt my loathing and self indulgence scatter like leaves as I threw back the covers, clambering to my feet as I fought to catch her down the hallway. “Rachael! Wait.....!”

Hurtling along wooden floorboards, I managed to grab her hand as she made her way to the door. She spun about, tears rolling down her cheeks. In her right hand she clutched one of those cheesy stuffed animals you buy from drug stores, holding a card that read “Get well soon.”

I mumbled as she looked at me expectantly, struggling to find anything to say that could somehow make up for the complete asshole I'd been. All I could do was shake my head, looking her eyes.

“Rach….I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

-------------------------------------------

Rachael sat on the edge of the bed as I told her everything. Well, not exactly everything. I didn't lie, if that's what you mean. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I mean, she had every right to be upset with me. To be honest, I don't even know why I acted the way that I did. Something was poking at the edge of my thoughts, unnerving me about how easily I'd slipped into such a foreign persona.

I explained to her that unaccustomed to being beaten by a girl as I was, I probably took the thermonuclear-ass-kicking I'd been handed a little worse than she might have expected. Of course, the downside of that was she probably figured me for a total princess now, which is all I needed at this stage of my gender realignment.

I'd expected her to go home after that. She'd probably need some time to work our friendship out in her head, or do whatever it is girls do when their best friend turns into a heinous bitch. Instead she waited until I'd finished my story, and calmly told me to get dressed.

Why? I had no clue. I had just enough time to throw on a shirt, some cargo pants with my chucks before she dragged me out of the house.
I still have no clue of what I’m doing here now.

I was sprawled out atop of Nick's car, parked on top of a multi-tier car park. People came and went about us, fawning over their latest purchases or dragging screaming children alongside them. Rachael sat beside me, legs dangling over the roof's edge listlessly as she flicked through playlists on her iPod.

“Rach, remind me again just what the hell it is we're supposed to be doing?”

“Huh?” She said, barely diverting her attention.

I sat up on my elbows, looking at her dubiously “You have no idea, do you?”

“Not at all.” She replied flatly. “I’ve got a plan.”

“So clue me in, fearless leader.”

“Find at least fifty white girls with Japanese bits in their names like "chan" and "neko", and then launch them screaming into hell."

I quirked an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Nope.” She grinned, showing me that wonderful smile I adored. “But it's a start.”

You know what it is to have a friend? Not just an acquaintance. Someone who sees the value you have as a person, and believes it's something worth caring for. I'm attracted to that idea, to the point where sometimes it's all I can think about. I don't make friends easily. Trust like that has to be built over time, and it's such a fragile thing.

But in that instant, I could see that Rachael was different. Even though I'd only known her for a short time, there was something wonderful inside her. Something that was worth caring for.

“Faye? You’re zoning again.” Rachael snapped her fingers in front of my eyes.

I shook my head, chasing away the daydream. “Huh? How do you know I’m zoning?”

“You get that empty, soulless look in your eyes. You know, like an ice-cream man.”

I sat up, stifling a yawn as I looked away. “Okay, maybe you're right. But that's not the real reason we came here, is it?”

“Okay, let me put it this way.” She shut off the iPod and slipped it into her pocket. “In case you haven't been keeping up on current events, we just got our asses kicked. I don't know who that chick was, or what she wanted. But I think we owe her a favour.”

“I'm going to need to start a waiting list for people who are trying to kill me.”

“Maybe so.” She said “But I figure if we hang out at the mall when it's late-night shopping, she's bound to turn up sooner or later.”

Please take any credit I've given Rachael for her intelligence and burn it. “You're sure about that?”

“Damn right I'm sure. At least, I'm pretty sure. I mean...there's a decent chance she might turn up.....aw shit.”

“Great.” I muttered, rallying as little enthusiasm as I could.

She chirped up a little. “So this is what we in the business call surveillance, right?”

“Gimme a break. This isn't Nancy Drew.”

She looked at me indignantly “Hands up if you have a better idea.”

Nick extended his hand from the driver’s side window, where he'd been quietly ignoring us until now. “Yeah. If either of your butts put a dent in my roof, I’m ditching the plan and selling you both to a Chinese sweatshop.”

Rachael hung her head over the side of the car, looking at Nick. “Quiet chauffer boy.”

“Dumbest. Plan. Ever.” He muttered. Well, somebody had to say it.

I lay back and gazed up at the stars hanging from the sky: they looked so close that I could reach out and touch them. As I let my thoughts wander, I saw flames of distant memories flickering dimly before my eyes, old movies showing glimpses of what life was like only days ago. Juxtaposed against reality and dreams, I questioned wether being here was the right thing to do. Was it right to fool Rachael like this....or did she deserve to know the truth? I rolled onto my side and caught a glimpse of Sickness peering at me over the edge of the car roof, vanishing just as quickly as she'd appeared.

Nick looked at his watch, letting out a long sigh. “Alright, we've waited long enough. She's not coming.”

“Thank you Captain Obvious.”

“May as well not waste this opportunity.” Rachael said, sliding off the roof and landing beside the car. “C'mon. I promised I'd take you shopping, remember?”

“Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.” Nick grumbled.

“Then get going.” Rachael smirked, practically taunting him. “Us little girls will take the bus home.”

“Hey, don't I get a say in this-?” My retort cut short by the Camero's engine roaring to life. I barely had time to pull myself from the roof before it sped off, causing me to fall in a heap beside Rachael on the warm asphalt. I stood up slowly, nursing a scuffed elbow as she looked at me with mild surprise.

“I didn't really think-”

“Yeah.” I replied flatly. “You didn't.”

-------------------------------------------

This is your life. It doesn't get any better than this. Every minute you live from now is a possibility without limitation. Every minute that passes from now is just a memory. All that life is can be quantified in this very moment. Beautiful and wondrously potent, it flows like a river without direction or destination, existing simply because it can.

“Oh, the damage I could do with a credit card.” Rachael beamed proudly as she surveyed the mall before us.

Forget the beauty that exists in a single moment. This was a miasma of putrescent human life churning about us without equal. Crowds spanned the walkways and balconies so densely packed you could barely move. Everywhere they languished: Townies, Preppies, Emo's, Goths, Gangstas, Wannabe Princesses....it didn't stop, one group blurring into another, with no end in sight whichever way I turned. I didn't know wether to laugh or cry, let alone how to keep myself from screaming.

I felt my heart racing, tension building with each passing moment “Please Rach, I'm sorry. For everything, really. I'll never do it again. Can we go home now?”

I knew what was coming. I'd seen enough movies, read enough stories to know how this would play out. She's going to drag me from one store to another, trying on clothes until she's satisfied. An endless array of girly ensembles, dresses, underwear would be rained down upon me in such number they'd block out the sun.

“Not a chance.” She winked. “Now do me a favour.”

“Mother of god, what now?”

She took my hand and gestured towards the sea of vapid shoppers. “Set the mood--hum Mission Impossible for me.”

I rolled my eyes in mock disgust. “Oh shut up.”

Rachael dove into the crowd, pulling me along for the ride. Ducking and weaving she slipped from one stranger to another like it was an obstacle course. I felt her hand break away from mine as she surged forward, leaving me fighting to keep up. Just when I thought I'd lost track of her, she climbed atop of a water fountain, folding her arms smiling expectantly while she waited for me to catch up.

“Are we having fun yet?” She chided, hopping down from her impromptu lookout.

“Shut your goddamn mouth. Shut up and never open it again.” I was struggling to catch my breath while she stood before me, studying my apparent lack of fitness. I didn't know if it was fitness or cardiac arrest bought on by the myriad of hands pawing and groping me every step of the way.

Without a word or snappy retort, she turned about and plunged back into the fray, leaving me no choice but to follow her or be left behind. I gritted my teeth, promising myself she was going to pay for this, one way or another.

The crowds had thinned out by the time we reached the escalators, taking us to the malls upper floors and boutique stores. The structure itself was an exercise in environmental décor, every row of shops punctuated by a hanging garden or water feature, designed to keep you relaxed in spending money you didn't have while credit ninjas repossessed your home.

Still, it wasn't without its merits. Rocking Horse was one of those independent music stores that worked furiously to build up a private clique of college students who visited often but never bought anything. Speaking of which, why do college students shun mainstream stores because they lack substance, only to do the obvious and shop at the independent music outlet? That's like being alternative in a conformist way.

Then there was Fresh: this 80’s retro café that touted the cheesy tag line “Like a Breakfast Club Sandwich.” Still, the music wasn't bad, with playlists like the Smiths or Simple Minds. The place was even decked out in pink and blue neon lights, with Max Headroom plastered across television screens to complete the ambiance.

Which brings me to the main event: Row upon row of women’s fashion stores. A coliseum of feminine delights designed to make me a spectator of my own demise. I gazed upon posters of young models and mannequins clad in stylish cuts and colourful ensembles, which only served to heighten the fear stabbing at my heart with every step we drew closer.

Rachael sensed my reluctance, giving me an odd look. “It's not that bad Faye. Come on, don't you remember the last time you went shopping?”

“Sure I do.” I said, smiling at her wryly. “I bought gum.”

She frowned, her mood beginning to sour. “Y'know, it's not like I have to help you out here.”

She was right of course. It's not like she knew the reason I was so reluctant, and I couldn't expect for her to put up with my sullen mood swings forever. Sooner or later she'd tell me to sort this crap out by myself, and then I'd be stuck in the mall, alone and surrounded by meandering parodies of fashionable cliques.

Though to be honest, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd been preparing myself for. Before you go and start thinking I'm some kind of sicko, there's actually a good reason for this. See, when you're really tall, everyone thinks it's so freaking great. You get to look down at everyone, push people around, and generally act like you're god's gift to all the world.

But there's a drawback nobody ever stops to consider. Nothing fits. Ever. Forget about shopping anywhere but stores for the grotesquely obese, because that's the only stuff that'll work. Even then it doesn't fit well, because it's designed for someone ten times as fat as you are. You'll have to wait in line to pay with some gastropod standing behind you, smiling like he knows how you feel.

I don't really expect anyone to understand, but it was nice to look at any piece of clothing and feel kinda....normal, I guess. As normal as a freak like me could, anyway. But his time it was my little secret. To a set of wandering eyes, I was just another vapid teen on a shopping spree. Sometimes anonymity is a nice, warm blanket.

Up, down, around and around, we traversed the mall from one end to another. We purchased all that I could manage, and a few things that I couldn't. Rach even managed to skew my world view though use of Jedi mind tricks, just long enough to purchase a few bras (now affectionately known as “Doomzookas”) and assorted undergarments on top of everything else. Yeah, I know. Don't get me started, okay?

Lamenting the fact I'd be flat broke for another month, I failed to notice that Rachael's casual stride had come to a sudden stop. Her gaze was affixed on a single figure seated alone in the food court, leafing through a magazine.

“I don't believe it...Look, over there.” She muttered.

There was no mistaking her for a moment. The blonde apocalypse who'd taken me apart only hours ago was enjoying a lush garden salad, oblivious to the newfound attention she'd garnered from us.

“I'm going to kill her.” Rachael hissed through gritted teeth. “Back me up, okay?”

“Not a chance.”

Rachael looked at me in disbelief. “You've got to be shitting me.”

My eyes met with hers, never more sure of anything in my life. “She's mine.”

I shoved the bags and parcels I was holding toward Rachael, almost forcing her over as she fought to carry them at once. I didn't care that I was a girl. The only thing which mattered was that I drew a line in the sand. I wanted to send out a message to everyone who would try to tear me down or crush my spirit: I've had enough. This far, no further.

She didn't notice my approach. Even as I stood looming while she ate, she paid me no attention. Instead her hand slowly drew one page of the magazine over, studying the image before closing the book all together. “You're in my light.”

Looking her over, I could see her clothes were chic and conservative, at the same time teasing you with just enough flesh to pique your curiosity. She glanced upward; surprise on her face from seeing me was barely evident. “Oh, it's you. Shouldn't you be running away?”

“Nope. I have a different idea.” She stared upward, daring me to look away. “Tell me everything that you know, or I'll kick your ass so hard I swea-”

Her hand was a blur, shooting out from nowhere and forcing its fingers past my lips. I gagged, trying to recoil but her digits were gripping my tongue, holding on like a vice. Her smile was cold enough it lowered the ambient temperature by ten degrees. “That's one busy tongue you've got. Maybe I should rip it out? That would shut you up.”

I could have run. Heck, I knew Rachael was probably waiting for an excuse to jump in and lay the smack down from where she stood. But I had a better idea, and I didn't even have to say a word to get the message across.

I bit down, hard enough that I could taste blood tricking over my tongue.

Her expression faltered, wincing before yanking her arm back protectively. She nursed her hand, shooting me a look that could fry lead. “You'd better save your appetite, bitch. You're going to need it for when I'm done with you.”

Was it an idle threat, or was she really that intent on trying to ruin my life? I didn't know, and right now I didn't care either. My heart was pounding in my chest, heat rising from my skin as tried to control myself. I was beyond reason, logic or comprehension as the most basic instincts took over. My hands trembled as something deep inside me snapped, and without warning I lunged toward her.

In a single motion she grabbed my arm, slipping out of her seat and twisting me around. The way she moved was as unreal and fluid as water; calm one moment and a raging torrent the next. I was pinned with my arm behind me, jammed against the table before I even knew what had happened. I struggled, contemplating wether to do the unthinkable and scream, when I felt her grip recede, before vanishing all together.

Just a few feet away I saw a girl, her arms folded over a black tank top with a silver necklace. She was a goddess, wearing loose, red jeans covered with zippers and pockets. I could even see “Destroy Evil Swiftly” written on one side in bright marker.

When she spoke, she flicked a few strands of dark hair from her eyes, tips glinting in the light. “Forget it girl, you're too young to die.”

“Thanks.” I muttered, rubbing my wrists as I stood up. “I don't need your hel-”

“I wasn't talking to you.” She said, looking at my assailant who was now glaring straight back.

Silence hung in the air as spectators who had been watching begrudgingly returned to their meals. The stranger smiled, looking at the other girl expectantly. I watched as my adversary seemed to yield first, picking up her magazine and giving me one last dirty look before vanishing into the crowds.

Rachael sprinted over, dropping the shopping bags on an empty table as she slid to a halt. “Holy shit! Are you okay? I mean, I wanted to help, but I didn't want to steal your thunder and all after last time...”

“I'm fine, thanks.” I said, still shaky from the adrenaline in my system. “Who was that anyway?”

The stranger raised an eyebrow, looking at me in a matter-of-fact way. “You mean Skankzilla? That’s Stacy Keebler.”

At least my enemy had a name. I felt just a little better knowing that. “Well, thanks again for helping me anyway.”

I suddenly realized I hadn't even introduced myself. Not that I'd had a chance until now. “Oh by the way, I’m Faye Valentine.”

She smiled impishly, pausing just a moment for dramatic effect. “I’m Zoe Keebler.”

Chapter Three.

“This is going to be very, very interesting.” I said, putting my feet up on the chair beside me.

“And what exactly is that?” Rachael asked, giving me a deadpan look. The cafeteria swirled about us, abuzz with activity as the lunch hour moved into full swing. The background noise was a dissonant cacophony, every conversation a grain of sand in a sprawling desert of gossip, slander, and moronic diatribe.

I looked at Zoe who sat across from us, nodding her head silently to the rhythm of her iPod, the white trails of her earphones poking out of the red t-shirt she wore, snaking around behind her neck. “Our secret weapon, of course.”

Rachael took a thoughtful bite of a leftover Subway sandwich. “That being?”

“She’s talking about me.” Zoe chimed in. I looked back, noting that she hadn’t even opened her eyes, still seemingly lost in her own world. It was impressive and a little creepy at the same time.

For her part, Rachael didn’t seem particularly impressed. So much so that I wasn’t really sure how well the two of them would get along. Zoe didn’t seem to have a problem with her, but ever since the two of them met last night, Zoe seemed to rub Rachael the wrong way. I don’t know if it was just because there was some fundamental personality conflict, or maybe she was jealous that Zoe seemed to always be one step ahead of her.

Zoe was a year older than both of us, so that’s why we hadn’t really seen her around any classes until now. But that didn’t stop her from just walking up and sitting down with the two of us like she’d known us for years. Nothing really seemed to bother her; like she was calm as a Hindu cow.

Still, none of that was going to stop the growing tension Rachael was silently projecting towards her. I needed to find a way to switch up the topic before this became really awkward.

“So, you want to tell me why your sister wants me dead?” I blurted out, unable to find a more eloquent way to phrase my question.

“She’s brutally retarded.”

Strike one. And here comes the pitch. “Okay, beyond the obvious?”

Her hand was wrapped in a fingerless glove, extending its fingers to pluck out an ear bud she was using. The volume of music it emitted only further perplexed me as to how she was vaguely aware of my question. “She’s a zombie whore that wants to devour your brain-meats. And she thinks you drove Darla out of town.”

That didn’t make the slightest bit of sense. I’d done some digging on the internet after my irrevocable change in gender, and the best I’d been able to find out was that she’d disappeared after her family started having an incredibly bad run of luck. Of course, that wasn’t before she’d left a little party favour beneath the floorboards, imbued with a touch of untainted evil.

Still, I had to resolve the aforementioned matter of it making no fucking sense. “But that was like…five or six years ago! How could she possibly think it was me?”

She shrugged, wrapping cords around her music player before dropping it into her pocket. “We used to live next door to her. Darla had this way of treating us kinda like we were little sisters I guess. Stacy thought she was her best friend and all. After things started to go wrong for her, Darla started to just hide in the house for days on end. Nobody saw what was happening to her. Stacy said that one night she saw you and some other Japanese chick peeking in through the window and trying to scare her. I guess that’s her reasoning.”

It was an eerie moment of clarity where everything seemed to fall into place, even if I didn’t like the picture it presented.

Stacy had it all mixed up. She was too young to clearly remember who it was she saw looking into Darla’s window. She must have felt burned when Darla disappeared, like she’d been abandoned by the girl whom she thought of as a sister. Naturally she pinned the blame squarely on the two Japanese chicks playing “secret agent” the night she saw them peeking in the window. Enter a girl who looks vaguely Asian that moves into Darla’s old house, and bingo: divine providence.

I sat there for a moment, silent as I tried to reconcile the reality laid bare before me. It was ridiculous, but in a way it also made perfect sense.

“Fuck me sideways.” Was the best I could manage.

“Pass.” Zoe said, slinging a lime green backpack over her shoulder.

I shook my head, reality reasserting itself as I realized she was leaving. “Wait, where are you going?”

“Figured I might kick the bleachers out from under some cheerleaders.” She turned to leave, but found her path to the exit was blocked by a line forming for the soda machine. She did the next most logical thing and climbed onto the table beside us, striding between several people and their meals before dropping neatly off the end. A chorus of protests went up, but she had already left the lunch room without even looking back.

Once she was gone, Rachael seemed to loosen up a little. She gave me a quizzical look. “Is it just me, or does that girl freak you out too?”

I pondered that for a moment, before shrugging. “I dunno, I thought she was kinda cool.”

Rachael sounded indignant at that. “She freaks me out….and ticks me off. In fact, I can’t think of anything she does that isn’t annoying me right now.”

“A little cranky today?” I asked her, a smile tugging at my lips.

“I burnt my mouth on a Pop Tart this morning. The universe is designed in aid of all things that oppose me.”

I leant back in my chair, rubbing my eyes while I let my mind wander. Zoe’s story had piqued my interest, especially the part where I’d been mistaken for someone else: An interloper who’d been spotted sneaking a peek in Darla’s window. It didn’t take a “rocket surgeon” to figure out who at least one of those girls was. Even though she didn’t want to talk to me right now, Amy fit the description, and I knew she had plenty of good reasons to be looking in Darla’s window.

So where did that get me? I was stuck between a rock and a hard case. Either I tried to get the truth out of Amy, or I bent over and waited for Stacy to deliver another forty megaton ass kicking. I couldn’t count on Zoe being around every time Stacy reared her head, which left me only one other option.

I grabbed my bag, slipping it over my shoulder as Rachael looked up from the table. “Oh, and where are you going?”

“There’s something I need to check out. I think Amy might have had something to do with Zoe’s story.”

“The girl at the vert?” She said, giving me a dubious look. “Sure, because it’s not like there aren’t like fifty kajillion other Asian chicks it could have been.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know that Rach. Trust me, I’m pretty sure it was her.”

She shook her head, not really understanding my logic, but not caring at the same time either. “Ugh, you couldn’t pay me enough money to go and talk to her.”

I looked at my watch, catching a glimpse of the ever present queue at the soda machine. “Who am I going to steal notes from if you do?”

“Like you need them, you’re a total brainiac, remember?”

“As if you’d let me forget.” I countered.

She folded her arms beneath her chest. “You want me to come along or not?”

I hopped up onto the table beside us, fresh cries of disgust and frustration rising up as I strode across it. I stopped and turned at the end of the table, revelling in Rachael’s expression of frustrated amusement. “Do what you want. But don’t expect to get paid!”

-------------------------------------------

What am I doing?

It’s a question that repeated itself in my mind, over and over again as I slunk though the hallways, looking for any sign of a hall monitor as I made my way to the exit. All I ever wanted to do in life was avoid trouble. I’m not a coward, I just hate inconvenience. If it was bothersome, forget about it. I’d rather have a nice, cushy ride than trouble myself with any kind of hassle.

Maybe the changes weren’t just skin deep? I’d started to notice differences in myself, changes in how I acted and how I responded to other people. Ever since this ordeal started, I’d been resolute in the idea that even though I could no longer be the person I was physically, I’d make sure that I didn’t become someone else in mind as well as body.

I slipped out of the east wing doors, my feet hitting the path as I crept along beneath a row of windows belonging to the teacher’s lounge. I’d never make a spectacle of myself like I did back there. And now here I am, sneaking out of school just like the teenage girl I appear to be. Christ, I’m even wearing one of the bras Rachael bought for me.

I reached a row of hedges that marked the outer boundaries of the school area. Problem was that to get past them, I’d be out in plain sight for everyone to see. I took a deep breath, calming myself as I scanned the pathways and windows for anyone who might spot me. Whatever it was that was happening, whatever was changing…maybe I could make it stop if I found out the truth.

Gathering my courage, I leapt forward, dashing towards the edge of the perimeter. If I could just make it around the path and to the other side of the hedge, I’d be home free. I skidded against the grass as I made it to the end, pulling myself around the other side. Knowing I’d made it, I let out a deep sigh of relief before taking a moment to collect myself.

That’s when I heard it: The sound of something approaching, moving down the pathway. Shit. There was nowhere to hide on this side of the boundary; it was all neatly mown lawns and designer landscaping. I bit my lip nervously, resigning myself to being caught red handed as the figure moved into view.

Zoe rolled by lazily on her skateboard, picking up speed as she pushed off the pavement beneath her. She craned her neck toward me, gazing for a moment before silently turning her attention back to the pathway, doing a quick ollie before landing in the car park. I gritted my teeth, not knowing wether to laugh or cry.

“Zoe, wait up.”

“Oh, hey Faye, what’s up?” She said, diverting her attention for a moment.

I gave her a suspicious look. “I see you’re not worried about cutting class.”

“Why would I be?” She countered as I walked alongside her.

“I dunno, why not? Detention, notes to your parents, that kind of crap.”

A wistful smile touched her lips. “My parents gave up on me a long time ago. Now all they’re worried about is little miss perfect.”

“You mean Stacey, right?”

“Oh yeah.” Zoe nodded. “She figured out that if she played by the rules, the world would open itself up to her. Boys, cheerleading, good grades and endless accolade. That’s all she cares about.”

“That’s not how she struck me.” I couldn’t help but grin at the irony. “Figuratively, anyway.”

Zoe hopped off her board, kicking it up before carrying it under her arm. “Ah, that’s just a façade.”

“How do you figure that?”

The light seemed to glint in Zoe’s eyes as she spoke. “Because deep down inside, she’s like me. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

I have to admit, that was a tantalizing possibility. “And just how is she like you?”

We were moving through suburbia now, headed towards the beach where I knew Amy’s sushi bar resided, which worked out perfectly for me. At the same time, I watched as Zoe hesitated for a moment, the first time I’d seen a crack in her relaxed demeanour.

“When we were growing up, we used to be best friends, y’know?” She said as a warm breeze kissed my skin. “I used to think that nothing in the world could ever drive us apart. I’d talk to all these other kids who hated their siblings, and wonder why they weren’t like me and Stacey.”

I nodded my head. “Okay, makes sense. So what changed that?”

Zoe let a long sigh hiss out between her teeth. “I guess you could say it was a difference in beliefs. It wasn’t that we started hating each other one day or anything. You don’t wake up and decide today is the day you’re going to fight someone. It’s just that like I said, she wanted to take a different road, and I couldn’t follow her.”

“I don’t get it. What’s such a big deal about that?”

“It’s not that simple.” Zoe said, brushing a lock of hair from her eyes. “It’s like this: Say someone has different system of belief than you. They think everything you like sucks, and they want you to accept them for who they are. And at the same time, they mean a lot to you, kay?”

“Gotcha.” I nodded.

“So it should be easy to accept them, right? Everyone’s got their flaws and all. But this is different. It’s not because you hate them, or that you’re just being selfish. It’s because to accept them, to tell them that their beliefs are something you understand and can tolerate…would mean you’d have to compromise your own. You’d have to admit that the ideas and foundations of who you are were false or invalid. I couldn’t do that for her.”

I was starting to understand what she was saying. It wasn’t that Stacey and Zoe hated each other. Maybe it was the opposite. Maybe they cared about each other too much to compromise what they felt was best for the other person.

“I’m guessing she couldn’t do the same for you either?”

Zoe shook her head. “Nope. Now we’re like two different people, staring at each other through a looking glass.”

“Wow.” I murmured. “That must really suck.”

“Yeah.” She stopped, looking at me strangely. “It’s funny. You’re the first person I’ve ever told this to.”

I held her gaze, smile spreading slowly. “Trust me, when it comes to personal problems, you finish when I haven’t even started.”

-------------------------------------------

There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my life was different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me I wasn’t crazy. That I wasn’t being stupid. Someone to say “I’ve got your back, no matter what.”

Without the rainstorm, the boardwalk looked a lot different in the afternoon sun. It seemed much more innocent, not as daunting or dramatic. I remember the first night I came here, I was terrified of everyone. People I saw felt so tall and imposing, like they could break me in half with a thought.

On the other hand, I didn’t even notice them now. It was just something I’d grown accustomed to with everything that had happened. Was this a concession I’d made? Just accepting this was a new reality? I curled my fists, resolute with fresh determination to see this through, to whatever conclusion I found waiting for me.

Zoe found a wooden table nestled next to a palm tree, one of several that were dotted about the area. After I explained to her that I needed to talk to this girl, to find out something that was really important to me, she simply nodded and told me she’d give me the space I needed. With that she hopped onto the table, reclining as she put in her ear buds, cranking up her iPod and tuning out from the world.

I stepped into the sushi bar, the delicate aroma of Asian spices passing over my nostrils as I searched for my quarry. She was standing behind the counter, dressed in the same black uniform I’d seen her in that first night we’d met. She calmly walked towards me, pulling out a notepad before looking at me expectantly.

“Anything I can getcha’ hon?” She asked dryly, like some waitress from a cheap diner.

I opened my mouth, but the witty retort wouldn’t come. I stood there, dumbfounded for a moment as I searched for what to say. What could I say? The things I wanted to ask weren’t really the kind of topics you could pull up for a casual conversation. “I was….hoping we could finish that discussion we were having. You know, from the vert.”

Her expression faltered, like she was briefly considering telling me this was still too soon, and I was a complete pain in the ass for bringing it up. Instead she settled back into her more casual demeanour, putting away the notepad. “My shift doesn’t finish for another hour. You’ll have to wait outside until I’m done.”

Not really the answer I wanted, but it was probably the best I was going to get. It turned around and walked outside, pulling up a seat next to Zoe’s table.

“What’s the score little lady?” She asked, craning her neck over slightly.

“Her shift won’t finish for another hour.” I gazed out at the beach beyond us, watching the ocean waves pour over one another as they crashed into the shore. Somehow, this was beginning to feel like I was coming full circle. I hadn’t been back here since that fateful night, and even as I shifted my gaze to the boardwalk, I could see ghosts of that night lingering, drifting in and out of my vision like a camera changing its focus.

“This is taking too long.” I muttered.

The orange sun was melting behind the horizon when I heard the door open, turning my head to watch Amy as she stepped out. She’d changed her clothing, ditching the uniform and now looking a little more tomboy-ish in a blue tank and worn jeans. I glanced at my watch, noting the time. “You’re late.”

“Do you see a look of concern on my face?” she shot back, walking over and taking a seat beside me. Zoe was still sprawled out on the table behind us, but I was starting to get the impression she’d fallen asleep.

“No, I guess not.”

“Okay, you’ve got me all to yourself. So what did you want to know?” Her friendly tone hid an undercurrent of frustration, possibly at the absurdity of this whole situation.

I cast a cautious glance at Zoe, making sure she was definitely unconscious before continuing. “Well, I guess I just wanted for you to answer my question. You know, I mean about everything that’s happened to me, and to you.”

“You’re going to have to elaborate.” She replied flatly, still feigning ignorance.

I ground my teeth for a moment, wondering just how long she planned on making me jump through hoops. “Okay, let me put it all out on the table: Darla left something behind in the house where I live. It changed me, made me who I am now. I’m starting to get the funny feeling it did a number on you as well.”

“I’m not a girl.” I added coolly. “And neither are you.”

I’d expected her to deny it, or at least make a big deal about it, like I’d uncovered some terrible secret from her past and now she’d have to kill me if I told anyone about it. But that’s not what happened at all. Instead she leant back against the table, giving me half a smirk.

“What’s your point?”

“My point?” I echoed, aghast that she reacted with the same emotional gravity as placing an order at the drive thru.
“My point is that it’s wrong. I’m not…this! Neither are you! We’ve been screwed, we were guys who were fucked over by some evil bitch, and get to live with the consequences. We need to fix this, take things back to the way they were before!”

Her expression didn’t falter at all. Instead she continued to study me with those almond eyes, like she was peering into the depths of my soul. “Tell me something kid: Why would you fix this, even if you could?”

I shook my head. “Because it’s wrong. It’s not who I am….Christ, I can feel stuff changing. Not just physically. In my head, I feel like the person I used to be is slipping away, and I’m becoming someone else. If it keeps up, I might be a totally different person. And the person I was will cease to exist.”

She leant in a little closer, giving me what was probably the most sincere look I’d seen since we’d met. “Look, I don’t know what I can tell you that you don’t already know. Yeah, we’re the same. And I’ve changed a lot too. But the truth is, even though I hated it, and I fought with what was happening tooth and nail, I eventually had to accept we all have to play the hand we’re dealt.”

I stared at her with disbelief. “That’s it. You just gave up?”

“No, not gave up.” The sun had disappeared behind the horizon now, red and yellow hews shifting to light blue against her skin. “I embraced it, made it my own.”

I couldn’t believe this. My world fractured a little further with every word that came out of her mouth. “You don’t want to go back?”

“You have to understand, what’s happened does suck. I would never have wished it on anyone else, but now that it’s happened to you, there’s only two choices you make: Either let what’s happened run your life, or kick its ass and make it your bitch.”

I slumped my shoulders in resignation. Once again, the answer I’d been searching for wasn’t the one that I wanted. “I guess you chose the latter, huh?”

“Why not?” She said, giving me that lop-sided grin. “Beats moping around like a teenage cliché.”

“I guess that’s the best I can ask for.”

“It’s your call Faye. Everyone has their own choices to make. Just think about what you have to do now. Think about no longer having any regrets.”

I contemplated what she said. I guess deep down inside, I knew there wasn’t going to be a way to weasel out of this. There wasn’t another trinket hidden behind the closet which would change us back. Life is too seldom fair like that, and until now I didn’t want to admit that to myself.

Still, that didn’t mean I had to give up. Maybe there was still hope after all. Instead of trying to go back to how my life was, I could make myself someone who was better than Kane. Someone with all his strengths and none of his weaknesses. Not a boy or a girl, but something more. Something perfect.

I realized it didn’t have to be one or the other. There was no absolute between Kane and Faye: Building the future and keeping the past alive were one and the same thing.

After that, there was nothing left to say. We had a silent understanding, a bond that we shared that nobody else could ever be aware of. She didn’t let it on, but I think that knowing there was someone like her put Amy at ease, safe in the knowledge that her plight wasn’t a burden she’d have to carry alone any more.

We said our goodbyes, and I watched her walk way until she had disappeared from view. Just then, I felt Sickness lingering at the edge of my senses, her tongue lashing against my thoughts, threatening to taint and pervert the answers I’d found for myself.

She was watching me intently, relishing the opportunity to make me question myself. But instead of her, it was me who smiled this time.

You want a fight, Sickness? I’ll give you a war.

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 3

Author:

Red Elise

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Restricted Audience (r)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Chapter one:

Being a girl is a state of existence that tells you “no” all day long. It mocks you over and over again, telling you that you’re an idiot. That you’re crazy.

If you like spending hours pouring over personal grooming and presentation, cosmetics and make up are for you.

If you like brutalizing your self image for hours on end until there’s nothing left, then shopping is for you.

That’s because the only thing more fun than trying on clothes that practically howl you’re a piece of meat, is checking out the underwear: Bra’s aren’t just a utility. They’re structural engineering.

And swimwear, are you kidding? Who doesn’t want to parade around in a garment driving wedgies up your butt while guys line up, hoping you’ll bend over to pick up the ball that’s landed right in front of you? It’s suuuuper sexy.

This is all part of my new outlook on life, in case you were wondering: A whole world of womanhood for me to embrace. Because leading up until now, I’d been holding out hope. Praying to whatever gods that would listen to change me back.

Give me back my old life. My old gender. My old “me”.

But it turns out life isn’t that simple. I had a chat with Amy Komori; progenitor of the species girlicus-inyourfaceicus . Turns out that according to her, there’s nothing I can do. Gotta love it or hate it, but I can’t take it back for a refund.

Now I’m pretty sure most people who are greeted with that fantastic little nugget would curl up into a ball and wait for Ragnarok to swing around. But me? Come on, you should know me a little better by now. I’m dumb to quit and too stubborn to die.

But that was then and this is now. I’ve decided not to fight it anymore: I’m not going to wage war with the changes in my life, be they good or bad. What’s the point, right? I’m not going to lose any more time lamenting time lost. It may not even look like it, but this is a second chance.

So fate wants me to be a girl? Fine. I’ll be the best damn girl on the face of the earth.

Oh, you want know what is retarded though? I need glasses. Yeah, I know. I had noticed it becoming harder to read white boards in class, and it turns out that my long distance vision sucks noodles. You’d think if some crazy voodoo hex was going to rebuild my DNA, it could at least have the decency not to do it like M.C Escher playing Jenga.

Though none of that is really important at the moment. Why? Because right now I’m fast asleep. It’s a Saturday morning, and I’m safely tucked in under my white duvet, a guy on a date with some pretty girls in sand man land. But like they say, all good things must come to an end.

You see, that’s not my phone ringing as I rub lotion onto blondie’s back. That’s my phone ringing as it pulls me from my fantasy, dropping me off in cold, sleepy reality.

My hand snaked its way out from the covers, wearily grabbing my phone from the bedside stand before popping it open. I held it to my ear, brain desperately trying to put thought into action. “Fuck…I mean, shit, dammit.”

“Is this a bad time?” Zoe queried, her voice thick with amusement.

I rubbed my head, barely able to pry one eye open as I spoke. “No, no - it's fine. Just anxiety, I guess. FUCK! Hi. Good morning.”

“Get your skinny ass out of bed. I’m going to be around shortly.”

I winced, staring at the alarm clock. “It’s like, six thirty in the morning Zoe. Do you hate me or something?”

“Not yet.” She chided.

“Wait a minute.” The fog of sleep began to lift from my mind. “How did you even get this number?”

“I copied it from Rachael’s phone.”

“And how did you get Rachael’s phone?” I was curious, knowing that Rachael would rather remove two vertebrae and bend over to eat her own butt before giving Zoe her phone.

Zoe let out a tedious sigh. “Look, we can spend all morning arguing about who went through who’s bag when they were sent to the principals office on a trumped-up charge for scrawling graffiti in the girls bathroom, or you can get your ass into gear and start getting ready.”

“Whatever. I’m awake now anyway.” I said, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. “But I want an explanation when you get here.”

“Good. Oh, and pack some clothes too, warm stuff.”

“Do I even need to ask?”

“Wouldn’t be a surprise if you did. See ya soon.” I heard the phone click, then go dead in my ear.

I stood up, taking a moment to steady myself before tossing the phone over my shoulder. I was wearing one of my old t-shirts; the kind I’d worn when I was still a guy. It was about ten sizes too big, which made it a perfect nightshirt for me now, hemline extending down to my calves and all. It had this big red Kanji on the front of it, which was supposed to mean “death” but could reads as “dry clean only” for all I know.

Sunlight was already starting to pour through the bedroom window, as the sun made its daily trek over the horizon. What the hell did Zoe want anyway? I couldn’t get a read on that girl. Every time I thought I had her figured out, she’d switch gears and suddenly I was back to where I’d started. I’m starting to understand why Rachael gets so irritated whenever she’s around.

“We need to talk.” Came a familiar voice from behind me.

I turned about, greeted by the familiar sight of Sickness sitting on the edge of my bed. Unlike myself, she was already dressed, wearing a black baby doll shirt and red skirt that had all these straps and chains hanging off of it, something Rachael had insisted I purchase when we went shopping together. She was even wearing a pair of glasses now, the same pair I’d picked up from the optometrists yesterday.

“We don’t have anything to talk about. You’re a figment of my imagination, remember?” I said, tapping my head to exemplify the point.

“You’re making a mistake.” She said, eyeing me cautiously. “Everything you’re doing. Everything you think is the right thing. It’s not.”

“Fuck you.” I spat, grabbing a handful of clothing from the wardrobe and stuffing it into a duffel bag. “Ever since this started, I’ve been putting up with you and your crap. You don’t want to help me; you want me to kill myself.”

Sickness shook her head. “You’re wrong. This is a mistake. You have to believe me.”

I stopped what I was doing, pausing to study her. Something was wrong, but it wasn’t what she was talking about. Whenever Sickness made her presence felt, she was always so wicked, like she was trying to manipulate me. But now she wasn’t telling me to do anything.

She was asking me.

“Something’s changed, hasn’t it?” I said, still eyeing her. “You’re not telling me to do anything. You’re trying to make me agree with you.”

Sickness looked away. “It’s not what you think.”

“Elucidate me.”

She hesitated for a moment. “Look, I am a part of you, but I’m not. I’m not just a figment of your imagination, except I am. I know how this sounds, but I really do want to help you.”

She must be telling the truth. There’s no way I would ever try to be this confusing.

I folded my arms. “You’re saying what you’ve been doing to me is helping?”

“Think about it: If I was there to cheer you on, do you really think you’d have made it this far?” She stood up, taking a step toward me. “Everything you’ve done, you did out of spite, just to beat me.”

“You’re lying.” My voice wavered, sounding unsure to my own ears.

“No, I did it to guide you, help make you stronger so that the burden wouldn’t be too much to bear.”

“Shut up!” Just like at the warehouse, I snapped, lashing out at Sickness. Instead of striking a physical object, her image exploded before my eyes, fragments fading away as they drifted slowly to the floor. I watched as the last pieces began to disappear, her voice growing distant in my ears.

“This may be our final meeting, so let me say one last thing.”

I took a step back, panicked breaths filling my lungs as I watched her vanish completely.

“Don’t…close your heart. You’ll live…to regret it….”

I don’t know long I stood motionless, staring at the floor with nothing but the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. What the hell was happening to me…am I really this crazy? I’ve never seen anything like that before, not even in my most bizarre and disturbing dreams.

Outside I heard a car pull into the driveway, realizing it would be Zoe. I shook my head, trying to push the last image of Sickness out of my head. There’s no way Nick would be up at this hour, which meant I’d have to let Zoe in myself. Swearing under my breath, I dropped the bag I was packing and made my way to the front of the house.

Zoe greeted me as I opened the door, dressed in a camouflage print shirt and black cargo pants. She looked at me quizzically, confused as to why I would look so anxious, let alone dressed in nothing but a boys oversized t-shirt. She smirked, folding her arms and tracing her tongue around her lips. “At least now I know why you were so upset on the phone. So, who’s the lucky guy?”

I narrowed my eyes before letting her into the house. “Yeah, right. This is just a...keepsake.”

“If you say so.” She said, swiftly changing the subject as she looked about. “Nice place you’ve got here.”

“Thanks, I guess.” I walked back to my bedroom. “Just give me a sec to get changed, okay?”

I left the door slightly ajar as I pulled off my shirt, letting it fall to the floor as I dug through my wardrobe for something to wear. I’d been trying to avoid looking at myself ever since this started, which actually translated into the handy ability to put my clothes on in the dark. Even now I was making a deliberate effort not to look down as I pulled out a orange hoodie with red print, instead focusing on the task at hand.

An odd thought struck me as I tossed a pair of dark jeans onto the bed. Hadn’t I made a resolution with myself to get used to this? Mentally I slapped myself upside the head, finding old habits somewhat hard to break. I stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening my eyes and looking down at myself. I tried to just…take it all in. You know, not just look at something, but actually see it for what it is.

I guess the main thing that really struck me was how, well…I dunno. Feminine isn’t really the word for how I felt. But there’s a definite contrast, realizing that suddenly I wasn’t just a girl. I was everything that went with it. Every pin-up I’d gawked at, every girl I’d pined for, every porn magazine I’d hid under the bed…that was me now. It was a weird feeling. Imagine being the very thing you’ve desired for every moment of your life. You’re not the lustee any more. You’re the one who’s lusted for.

Suddenly every time I’d ever objectified a woman flashed through my mind, except I was wondering how it felt to be on the other side. I could see myself as a stripper, playmate and bikini model, along with a sea of faceless men leering at me, judging me by nothing but my body and how much it aroused them.

I placed an arm against the wall, steadying myself as I tried to rationalize the images spread out in my mind. Holy crap. If I didn’t feel vulnerable before, I certainly did now.

I quickly pulled on my clothes, slipping on my Chucks before grabbing the duffel bag before finding Zoe in the living room. She’d found the Xbox become subsequently engrossed by the virtual slaughter it offered. I tossed the bag at her, forcing her to drop the controller as she caught it.

“Nice. Where’d you get this?”

I picked up a notepad from the kitchen counter, scrawling a quick note for Nick to find when he woke up. “I rescued a bag of kittens being thrown in a river. It kept me from buying a new bag, so I threw the kittens in the river.”

“Funny.” She mused as she stood up from the couch. “You ready to go?”

I shook my head. “Not so fast. You haven’t even told me where we’re going, remember?”

“Simple. We’re heading up to the mountains for the weekend. My folks have a business deal to close off, and decided to make a family event out of it. So to keep me from going insane, you and Rachael get to keep me company. It’s all expenses paid, and aside from a little patricide, we should have free roam of the place.”

I held up a hand to object. “Whoa, hold on a sec. Your sister is trying to murder me, remember?”

“Chill, she’s getting there her own way, same as me. You won’t even see her for the whole trip.”

I pondered for a moment if I should stop, maybe at least wait for Nick to get up so I could tell him where I was going. But then again, why should I? Nick and I had barely spoken to one another since he ditched me at the mall a few days ago. Maybe a little breathing room was just the thing to give us time to patch things up. After all, I’m not the easiest person to live with given all that’s happened, and he’s been turning into more of a jerk to compensate.

Zoe had a silver SUV parked in front of the house, snowboard already strapped to the racks spaning its roof. It looked maybe a couple of years old, one of those jeeps that let you pull the roof down and turn into a convertible.

“Nice ride.” I said, tossing my bag into the back.

“It’s okay I guess.” Oddly, she didn’t seem to take to well to the praise.

I climbed into the passenger seat, pulling the seat forward a little. “So is Rachael waiting for us?”

“Not yet.” She turned the key, starting the engine. “I haven’t told her. Figured you might be the bearer of bad news.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

We pulled out onto the street, before Zoe turned and flashed me a quick smile. “Do you need to ask?”

------------------------------------

Rachael stood at her door, wearing a dishevelled baby doll shirt and pyjama pants. Her hair was tousled and knotted, hand rubbing her neck occasionally to work out a cramp. Behind her I could see various works of pottery scattered about in various stages of completion. Oh yeah, and her face picture of pure, blistering rage.

“You woke me up, for this?” She said, fighting to keep her voice as even as possible.

She’s going to kill me. “Yes.”

“You want me to go cavorting across the state, just so Zoe doesn’t get lonely on her family trip?”

No seriously, I’m completely dead. “Yep.”

Rachael seemed to ponder that for a moment. “Okay, sure.”

Suffice to say I was a little taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. “Um, okay. I didn’t think you’d go for it. Y’know, you look kinda pissed off.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. But then I realized Zoe’s whole family is going to be there.” She said, not taking her eyes off Zoe as she spoke.

Zoe gave her a flippant look. “Your point being?”

“That’s simple.” She said coolly. “Because this was your idea, I’m going to kill you. Then I’m going to kill your family, and your family’s family, raze the entire mountain to the ground, and scour its ashes from the earth.”

The door slammed shut before either of us had a chance to respond. I turned to Zoe, who simply smiled and shrugged her shoulders, walking back to the Jeep. The sun was just starting to creep into the sky now, and everywhere I walked left a soft footprint in the dewy grass.

We both sat in the car, waiting for Rachael to calm down and put her gear together. She emerged some time later, dressed in a tan jacket, black shirt and faded loose pants. She was also carrying a backpack over one shoulder, and a snowboard bag over the other.

I quirked an eyebrow, watching as she loaded the bag onto the racks above me. “You’ve got your own board?”

“Duh, I work in a board shop. Why wouldn’t I have a board?” She shot back.

Zoe twisted around, looking over at Rachael. “Did you tell your parents you were leaving?”

“Nope. Hold on a sec.” Rachael turned back the house. She took a deep breath before shouting “Mom! I’m going out for the weekend!”

A distant voice responded. “That’s nice dear.”

Satisfied, she opened the rear door and hopped into the car. “Okay, let’s go.”

As we pulled out of the driveway, Zoe cast a quick glance at me. “Faye, do you know how to drive?”

“Yeah, I’m not too bad.” Kind of an understatement, since Kane does have his licence. It’s just too bad Faye doesn’t.

“Good. You can take the second shift.”

And just like that, we were on our way. I wouldn’t really know what to expect from a road trip with a couple of girls, especially girls like Zoe or Rachael. Whenever guys hang out with girls, even if it’s just as friends, there’s always this undercurrent of sexual tension. It’s impossible for a guy to be in the presence of an attractive girl and not be wondering if he might get laid. Even if the chance of getting laid is less than zero, it’ll always be there, hardwired to remind him at every opportunity.

I have to say that the thought just doesn’t occur to me anymore. I kind of miss it, to be honest. Like I’ve lost an old friend who could make any conversation deeper than it might be, spicing it up with nonexistent innuendo. I hadn’t really thought about it until now, but I guess chicks don’t do anything for me. Hell, I don’t even know how to get aroused as a girl. Sounds simple, I know. Like I should just be able to find some porn and stare at it until one gender does the trick.

The thing is, I don’t even know if I want to find out. I mean, what if I do like guys now? Just the thought of it is enough to make me wretch. I used to watch guys hitting on girls in clubs and wonder how on earth they could ever fall for it. Can’t they see these guys are functionally retarded?

Of course, now I don’t have to worry about that: Now I get to be the one who is hit on. I get to be the prize that all the boys fight over. Well fuck that. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to be just another girl, or a notch on some guy’s belt. I’m going to make the most of this if it kills me.

It was growing dark by the time we pulled into Hillden; a small town at the base of Mt Forbes. We stopped at a gas station where Rachael dutifully filled up the car while Zoe went about renting a set of tyre chains. The temperature was already growing cold enough that I could see my breath hanging on the air, so I took the opportunity to root around my bag for a jacket to put on.

Having driven all day, Zoe looked tired as she walked out of the service room. She smiled wearily, rubbing her eyes. “You’re up, little kitty.”

As I climbed into the drivers seat, Rachael stormed out to the car, cursing vehemently as she did so. “Can you believe that fucker? He tried to overcharge me for the gas.”

“Chill, it’s not worth fighting over.” I muttered. Just then another car pulled into the gas station beside us, it’s occupants spiling out as soon as it came to a halt. There were four guys around our age, who set about filling up the car innocently enough. But as soon as they took one look at us, you knew there was blood in the water. Two of them casually strode over to us, while the others hung back and watched.

“Checking out the mountain I see.” One said, glancing at the snowboards mounted to the roof as he struck up a conversation with Rachael. “Just heard the show report, sounds like it’s coming down as we speak.”

I gritted my teeth, wondering just how long it was going to take Zoe to finish attaching the tyre chains. The other came around to my window, leaning in as he spoke. “Nice ride.”

“It’s not mine.” This whole conversation is proof of a higher power and their burning hatred of me.

“It’s pretty cool anyway.” He shrugged. “Is that your board up top?”

I rolled my eyes, projecting nothing but pure, untainted disinterest. “Look, we’re kinda in a hurry here.”

He smiled a bit, struggling to find an angle of attack that might breach my defences. “Hey, just figured I might say hello since we’ll probably run into each other on the mountain.“

I slammed my hand down on the horn, trying to hasten Zoe’s progress. I couldn’t see anything from where I sat, save for the middle finger she extended over the hood.

“What’s your problem?” He frowned indignantly. “I’m just trying to be friendly.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You want to be friends, great. But I can’t miss you if you don’t go away.”

“Whatever.” Sensing this was a lost cause, he turned about and walked back to the car. His partner reluctantly joined him a few minutes later, just as Zoe climbed into the passenger seat. “What was that all about?”

I waited until they were out of earshot before responding, “Nothing, just a couple of losers trying to get lucky.”

“I dunno.” Rachael mused. “One of them was kinda cute.”

I turned the key in the ignition, hearing the jeeps engine roar to life. “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”

“You’re telling me you’ve never had a cute guy try to come up and talk to you?” Her voice filled with disbelief.

I put the car into gear, pulling out of the station more aggressively than I’d intended. “Nope. And I don’t plan on it either.”

Zoe gave me a strange look, like for some reason she understood what I was saying. But Rachael interjected, her head poking into the front area of the car. “You’re kidding right?”

“Can’t we just drop this?” I pleaded.

“No way!” She grinned ear to ear. “I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of this one.”

I turned back to Zoe, hoping she might diffuse the situation, but instead she had her eyes closed and iPod volume cranked up to eleven. I turned my eyes back to the road as thick flakes of snow began to fall from the sky. They danced as they were caught in the cars slipstream, lit solely by the illumination pouring from the headlights.

I didn’t have any trouble staying awake as I driving, which was mainly for two reasons: The first was I’d never driven a car on icy surfaces before, so I was completely on edge as we progressed up the mountain access road. The second was that Rachael had taken it upon herself to make sure I was paying attention the whole time, largely by talking incessantly about anything that came to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help. But by the time we actually made it to the summit, the sound of her voice was the last thread on a very thin rope.

At last I pulled into a parking spot outside of our hotel, feeling myself relax for the first time as I shut off the engine. I took a moment to crane my neck over, catching a glimpse of the night runs in full swing. They were illuminated beneath halogen lights, awash with skiers and boarders of all types trying to cram in one last run of the day. Just the sight of it made me tingle.

------------------------------------

Dragging our bags through the snow and ice, we stumbled into the hotel where Zoe and her family were staying. It turns out Zoe’s parents were on the resort board here, and they’d worked out some kind of deal that gave them free accommodation whenever they visited. So everyone had separate rooms, one each for Zoe, Stacey and the parents. Not that I really cared one bit at this stage: I was freezing my ass off, waiting impatiently as Rachael fought with the roof rack to release her board before we could step into the deliciously warm lobby air.

As we staggered into our room, I was struck by the sheer opulence of our lodgings. This wasn’t a vanilla-flavoured Best Western or Motel Six. This was the kind of decadence you normally reserve for several hundred dollars a night. Our room was lit up by soft, recessed lights that lined the ceiling, illuminating the three separate futons that were perfectly laid out with red sheets and white duvet. We had a plasma television, with two separate parchments with printed kanji on either side. A single window made up eastern wall, giving an excellent view of the mountainside while still being shielded by timber blinds.

Laying her bags beside a futon, Rachael took a moment to articulate what I was thinking. “Fuck yes!”

Again, Zoe seemed oddly effusive of any praise she was given. “Keep your voice down. My parents are probably asleep next door.”

“How’d they get here before us? We left at the crack of freaking dawn.”

“Huh? Oh, there’s an airfield at the base of the mountain. They caught a flight in.” She said nonchalantly while unpacking her bag.

Rachael tensed up for a moment. Then, possibly in an explosion of pure joy, she lost her freaking mind. “Oh…my…god! I knew I recognised your name. Your parents own Keebler cars, don’t they?”

Zoe continued to unpack with the kind of methodical intensity that indicated it was the only thing keeping her from choking Rachael to death. “Yep…”

“I knew it! You pretend to be hardcore, but you’re a total Barbie!” She turned to me, curious about why I hadn’t joined the festivities. “That explains her new car and everything!”

I cast a cautious glance at Zoe. “Yeah, well it’s not such a big deal.”

“Are you kidding me?” This was Rachael’s big moment. After being in Zoe’s shadow, Rachael had found her kryptonite.

“Like I said Rach, you should chill...” I said, glancing deliberately at Zoe from the corner of my eye.

“Huh?”

Rachael looked at Zoe, who was now holding a shirt so tightly her hand was trembling. Rachael turned back to me and smiled. “Oh, sorry. Took a moment…must be the long car trip. You’re telling me to shut up?”

I gave her a deadpan look. “Right.”

“Forget it.” Zoe said reluctantly, already sauntering off to the bathroom to get changed.

I let out a long yawn, reaching out and turning the gas valve beside the fireplace. A moment later the miracle of spontaneous combustion took place, filling the room with a welcome rush of heat. Rachael turned off the lights, and suddenly the room was awash in a sea of dancing red and amber hues. I lay on my futon, waiting for Zoe to free up the bathroom so I could get changed. I glanced at Rachael, smiling lightly as she pulled off her sneakers.

“We’d getter get some sleep. Don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get out there.”

She looked out of the window, checking out the roads below as snowmobiles and heavy machinery rumbled by, preparing to groom the slopes for tomorrow.

Zoe walked out of the bathroom, wearing a loose Ramones t-shirt and panties. Without a word, she flopped onto her bed, pulling the covers over herself. Rachael stood up, taking her turn to get changed. Zoe closed her eyes and muttered “Last one out, hit the lights.”

I glanced out the window, watching snow drift down slowly as I let my thoughts wander back to what Sickness had warned me about this morning. Since then I hadn’t heard a whisper from her, nor been able to feel her presence at the edge of my thoughts. Was she really gone? If that were really true, it only stiffened my resolve. I had no idea what she meant by her passing words, the last statement as she seemed to fade out of existence. But one thing I could be sure of was that without her, maybe I could finally find my place in the world.

I smiled and let out a small sigh, feeling the tension of the day begin to fade away. Who cared about that, right? Regardless of what has happened, I had tomorrow to look forward to. And I was going to make sure it was one hell of a party.

Chapter two:

Sunlight shone through the windows by the time I’d managed to wake up, warm and gentle enough to feel like it was caressing your skin. I briefly contemplated going back to sleep before I remembered where I was. Give me a break, kay? My brain was still trying to remember how to breathe, let alone how to prioritize my day.

I glanced over at Zoe’s bed, surprised to see it was already empty. Rubbing my eyes, I noticed that not only were her clothes scattered about the floor, but her snowboard was missing from where she’d left it last night.

A quick glance at my watch confirmed it was already ten thirty. Clambering out of bed, I stumbled to the window only to see the mountain below in full swing. Boarders and skiers were already lining the roads, making their way to the different runs and trails.

“Crap.” I muttered, quickly making my way to where Rachael slept. “Get up!”

She muttered and rolled over, clearly disinclined to acquiesce to my request. Now there’s a lot of ways you can try to wake someone up. But one of the most sure-fire (not to mention horrible) is to do what I summarily attempted: Hold their nose with one hand, and cover their mouth with the other. Not only will this guarantee the subject will be awake and alert within the next five seconds, but the following surge of adrenaline will ensure they are prepared to face any challenge of the day, like smacking the living crap out of you.

After struggling for a moment, she suddenly sat bolt upright, knocking my hands out of the way as she sucked down sweet oxygen. When the realization of what transpired dawned on her, she gave me a dirty look and bared her teeth.

“I’m going to kill you if you ever do that again.”

“Death is the high price of living.” I turned about, grabbing my bag as I made my way to the bathroom. “C’mon sunshine! We’re running late.”

The two of us tried to get ready as quickly as possible, which was only complicated by the fact that I didn’t have any of my own gear. Even after we were dressed, we had to take the elevator down to the hotel lobby and head to the rentals and hire store. Since I didn’t have my own boots or board, we had to rent them out. The board I was given looked pretty beat up, nothing like the sweet ride Rachael had by her side. Hers was this purple and black board, covered in neon pink decals. The surface was smooth and glistening; a stark contrast to my ugly-assed orange and red deck, smeared with scuffs and scratches.

Once I was geared up, we stepped out of the hotel and found ourselves greeted with a welcome blast of frigid air. Carrying boards under our arms, we made our way to the summit chair lift, ready to get a little time in on the green slopes before we hit any more serious terrain.

And that’s where my problems first started.

See, the problem with chair lifts is that you have to share. Normally this isn’t such a big deal, since you’d just get a couple of random strangers to chat with as you made your ascent. But fate is not without a sense of irony. We didn’t get any strangers as our chairlift buddies. Nope, instead we were given those two douches from the gas station.

Don’t ask me how, but they managed to weasel their way into the line so that we were sitting beside one another: Rachael and myself in the middle and one of them to either side. The whole way up my new adversary smiled at me; like he figured that shitty grin of his would somehow wear me down.

Eventually he offered me a gloved hand, giving me his most sincere look. “Maybe we got off on the wrong foot yesterday. My name is Chad.”

“Faye.” I muttered, still conjuring as much disinterest as I could.

“Strong silent type, huh?”

“Can’t you take a hint?” I shot back.

“Sure I can.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “But your friend seems to be getting along with Mike pretty well, so I figured I’d keep you from getting bored.”

I’d been so distracted with Chad’s advances that I hadn’t been paying any attention to Rachael. I cast a quick glance in her direction, only to see she was deeply engrossed in a conversation about fuck-knows-what with Mike. Dammit, I had this figured all wrong: Chad wasn’t trying to put the moves on me at all. He was Mike’s wingman.

I cursed under my breath and turned back to Chad, frustrated that I hadn’t caught on sooner. “Yeah, there’s no accounting for taste.”

Rachael planted a quick kiss on Mike’s cheek before we reached the summit and had to dismount. I placed a foot on my board and lazily slid away from the lifts, coming to a stop against a small snow mound where I could strap in my boots.

Chad pulled up alongside me, short brown hair grazing against his goggles. He glanced at me as I stood up before surveying the hill below us. It was a beginners slope, something I’d picked since I wanted to take a few easy runs to find my rhythm again, not that it shouldn’t take too long. One of the reasons skiers and snowboarders can’t get along is the difficulty of their art.

Why? Because skiing is easy to learn and difficult to master. You have two planks under your feet instead of one, and poles for stability. That makes it a lot easier to keep your balance when you’re learning the fundamentals. Snowboarding on the other hand is totally the opposite. Both feet are strapped into a solid board. You have no way to maintain your balance other than shifting your legs and weight, so learning is a painful process. That’s because the second you lose your balance, you’re going to eat snow. Depending on how fast you’re going, you’re probably going to eat it big time. You’ll fall on your back, your front, your knees, your chest, your face, and your pride.

Lucky for me I didn’t like falling. I loved it.

The trade-off is if you can make it past that hurdle, the rest is cake. Once you’ve mastered the fundamentals of not falling on your ass, you can take on almost any terrain. I came here a few years ago with my uncle when I first decided to learn snowboarding, starting on an easy slope just like this. In five days, I was carving up black diamond runs.

“So, how about a race?”

I looked at him disparagingly “Gimme a break.”

“Come on, it’ll make things interesting.”

Good god. This guy really can’t take a hint. “Okay, what’s the wager?”

He paused for a moment, considering his options. “If you win, Mike and I will clear off. You won’t see either of us again for the rest of the trip.”

“And if I lose?”

His smile went from dumb to ultra-dumb. “If I win, you and I go out on a date.”

I quirked an eyebrow. “How about I pound you senseless for even suggesting it?”

“I love the kind of girl who can kick my ass.”

Under ordinary circumstances, I’d tell him to shove it. But I was beginning to get the impression he was too ignorant to quit and too stubborn to give up. “Fine, let’s do it.”

A quick hop off the snow set my board into motion. I lowered my stance, picking up speed as we accelerated down the slope. Since this hill was mainly for beginners and first timers, most of the people around us were barely moving at all. That meant that they weren’t so much other riders as they were moving obstructions. My eyes darted back and forth as the arctic wind whipped through my hair, searching for the best lines to take through the crowds.

I pulled my board around; throwing up a curtain of ice as I narrowly avoided one boarder, digging the edge into the snow to correct my balance. For a moment my equilibrium was thrown out of whack, just in time to hear a second board approaching from behind me. I didn’t need to see who it was, already having a good idea who the rider might be.

Snow beneath my board roared in protest as I shot between two skiers. From the corner of my eye, I could see that Chad was now riding along side me. He smiled impishly, before letting out a yelp of surprise as a group of oblivious boarders came into view. He swerved to avoid them as they listened intently, in rapt attention of their instructor.

With the finish line in sight, I tried to eke every last drop of speed out of the board that I could. However, there was one thing I’d failed to take into account. Being a beginners slope, this was always the most used and abused surface on the mountain. Not only from general traffic, but the potholes and craters people left from countless crashes and bails throughout the day. Given that Rach and I hadn’t made an early start, the snow was already riddled with potholes and paths carved into its surface.

As I began to turn, the front edge of my board hit a small mound of snow that ad been built up by other riders taking a popular line. The board dug in, causing it to pivot instead of slide. This sent my momentum hurtling forward into a devastating faceplant. Of course, my face wasn’t the only thing I landed on. That’s because I had the wind torn from my lungs and my boobs hurt like hell. Seriously, if I was still a guy, this would be as catastrophic as being kicked in the balls.

Just because I’d fallen over, it didn’t mean I’d given up. Whimpering lightly, I held my chest as I stood up and finished the course. I did make it to the bottom of the hill, though not before Chad had made his arrival thirty seconds earlier. I reluctantly brushed away flakes of snow that clung to the garments I wore, which were already causing me to feel a chill. That was largely because I hadn’t worn anything waterproof, causing the moisture to seep into my clothes.

“That’s totally not fair. I was planning on bailing at the finish line.” Chad said enthusiastically, trying to cheer me up. “I feel so upstaged.”

I was still in too much pain to talk, so I had to settle for flipping him a bird.

“Are you okay? You’ll freeze if you stand out here like this.” He helped me out of the bindings, carrying a board under each arm as we made our way to the main resort complex. Inside was packed as we made our way through the corridors, eventually finding a café hat looked out over the mountain. Chad invited me to take a seat, which I begrudgingly accepted.

He sat down opposite me, smiling just a bit as I finally regained my composure. “Remember our bet? You win, I leave you alone, you lose and we go out on a date? I guess this is a pretty lousy place for a date.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “What’s your deal?”

“My deal?”

“Yeah.” I said, still giving him a dubious look. “I’ve done everything but tell you to fuck off, and you’re still not getting it.”

He smiled, trying to look confident “I figure it’s just a front you’re putting up.”

“Aren’t you the know-it-all?” I replied flatly.

He reclined in his chair, looking smug. “Yeah, but tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong.” Without another word, I stood up and walked away. I closed my eyes for a moment, scrunching up my face as I reminded myself that I had set out a goal to achieve. I can’t allow myself to be distracted by any kind of emotional entanglement, especially with a guy. God, what was I thinking? I mean, I know I’m a girl now, but even the thought of being with another guy? Ugh…

I strode through the corridors, not really knowing where I was going. I was churning inside, a myriad of emotions mixing together like oil on top of water. I didn’t even know why I was so upset, or on the verge of tears and unable to think of a reason for it. Rachael had ditched me. Zoe wasn’t anywhere to be found. This sucks.

I stepped outside, grabbing my board from the rack where Chad had left it. I didn’t care where I went, so long as it was away from everyone else. A few hundred feet from the resort was a trail that led to several other runs scattered about the mountain. I stepped into the board once again, quickly fastening the straps before setting off down the trail.

Even though the trail itself was wide and other riders were scarce, I found myself having trouble concentrating. Unlike before when I’d been racing down the hill, I was still angry, furious at my friends for leaving me, furious at Chad for being…well, Chad. What was it about him that was pissing me off so much anyway? He was just another guy, some jerk who thought that I was an easy target. Someone he could go back to Mike and his friends to brag about.

Over and over again, I played the ideas through my head, growing increasingly upset with every repetition. I couldn’t keep track of the terrain as my mind wandered. And when you can’t do that, you tend to bail.

And I bailed a lot.

By the time I had made it to the next slope, I’d probably fallen over three or four times, which only served to further heighten my aggravation. As I picked myself up from my latest loss to balance and equilibrium, I noticed another path that branched off from the top of the slope, leading to an out of bounds area. Those kind of areas are usually marked with warning signs, as they’re not groomed or covered by the ski patrol.

As I stood up, several other riders shot past me, most of them making their way to the slopes starting area. It was a blue run: something more difficult than your usual beginners slope, but not the kind of run you might see experts carving up. As they disappeared from view, I noticed one veering off to the side, sliding under the rope barriers and into the trail beyond.

If you asked me now, I couldn’t really tell you why I followed. Maybe I was worried they’d made a mistake, who knows?

I kicked my board into motion, ducking beneath the rope as I followed the boarder into the unknown. As I moved into pursuit, the safety ropes and signage behind me quickly disappeared from view. I tried to call out; maybe get this person’s attention and force them to stop. However even from the distance I followed, I could clearly see a pair of headphones wrapped around their head, eliminating any chance they could hear me.

The further into the back country we rode, the more dangers began to make themselves apparent. Rocks, trees, outcroppings and sudden drops were all threatening to dismount me without notice. I fought to keep control of the board, quickly approaching the limit of hazards my skill would allow me to avoid. If I didn’t do something to end this game, chances are I’d overtake my partner while I tumbled down the mountain.

I spotted a clearing ahead, knowing it might be my only chance to close the gap between us. The freezing air stung my skin as I put every bit of effort I could into picking up speed, until finally I drew even alongside the rider. They glanced over at me, face obscured by goggles and a handkerchief. I tried waving my arms, shouting obscenities to get their attention and perhaps reconsider this course of action.

Instead I saw the figure raise a hand, indicating toward something up ahead. I turned my head, just in time to spot a rocky outcropping come into view. Blood froze in my stomach as I realized there wasn’t going to be time to come to a stop.

I slammed my heels into the snow, a wall of snow shooting up from the edge of the board as I tried to change direction, desperately trying to alter my path just enough to clear the obstruction. Still, it wasn’t enough. I’d been too late trying to change directions, my momentum carrying me towards the rocks, inch by inch as though it was in slow motion.

I let out a scream of terror, suddenly finding myself being wrenched to the side with a sickening force. The stranger was atop of me; and no longer able to balance I was thrown onto my back with the force of an impact that sent us sliding down the mountain.

The roar of the snow in my ears drowned out everything else, before gradually ebbing away until we came to a stop some distance away. For a moment neither of us moved, simply thankful for the fact that we’d somehow fallen this far without hitting something else. I felt the pressure on my chest draw back as my saviour sat up a little, pulling the hood of their jacket away to reveal a mane of platinum blonde hair. I squinted for a moment…was it a guy?

He removed his goggles which were now coated in snow, smiling just a bit. “Are you okay?”

That’s the second time I’ve been asked that dumb question in as many hours. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Oh, cool.” His face still hovered over my own, seeming to enjoy the situation more than he should.

“Wow” I muttered.

“What?” He asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Your breath smells really, really bad.”

“Great.” He muttered as he stood up, any magic in the moment now completely ruined. “You can thank me later.”

“Hey, whatever you say.” I said as I pulled myself to my feet. Just when I was upright, I felt my grip disappear from the board, causing me to fall on my ass in a suitably stupid fashion.

“Shit!” I yelped as I fell over, much to my saviour’s amusement.

I took a look down at my boot, noting that it had come away from the board completely. Yet the straps were still attached, which could only mean one thing.

“Looks like the bindings have torn away.” He said, leaning in for a closer inspection.

“Lousy rentals.” I gave him a dirty look as I started to pull my other foot free from the board. “Looks like I’m walking back to the lifts.”

He sat down and began to undo his own bindings, clearly intending to accompany me. I scowled at him, still embarrassed that I’d nearly been smashed against that outcropping. “I don’t need your help.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you know the way back huh?”

Jesus fucking christfuck. “No, I guess not.”

“Then let’s get going. Besides, it’s not far: We can rejoin the trail a few hundred metres west of here.”

I picked up the board, holding it beneath my arm as I began the slow trek through open powder. I looked at him again, getting a better look at his features. He was definitely older, maybe in his early twenties or so. Still, he looked kinda cool I guess. “So what’s your name?”

“Travis.” He replied. “That was a pretty nasty crash, you sure you’re okay?”

God, it’s not like I’m freaking helpless. “Big mountain skills or hospital bills, right?”

He smiled warmly “Yeah, I guess so. You’re a real toughie, aren’t you?”

“What was your first clue?”

“I dunno, maybe the fact I know plenty of girls who’d never follow me into back country, let alone try to keep up.”

“You’re not going to tell me I sucked and nearly killed myself?”

“Why would I?” He shrugged. “I say do what you want. Everyone’s going to get their ticket punched some time or another. You’ve gotta ride your own path.”

We continued up the slope, through a patch of pine trees. “Philosophy huh?”

“You could say that. I just think that no matter what you do, board, skate, ride, there’s always a road you have to follow.”

I turned to him, genuinely intrigued by what he was saying. “And what kind of road do you ride?”

He scratched his head, looking a little embarrassed that I would ask. “Me? Well, I guess you could call mine the road of ice.”

“Because you’re a snowboarder?” I asked with a heavy dose of irony.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “Because ice crystals are unique; no two are the same. Even when they melt and disappear, another is born in the sky to take its place.”

“Meaning…?”

He grinned sheepishly. “Every trick I do is like that ice. It’s perfect for a moment, before it melts and vanishes…until the next trick.”

“I guess a moment of perfection is all you can ask for.” I could hear voices in the distance now, indicating we weren’t far from the trail.

Travis took a few steps ahead of me “So what’s your road?”

“My road?” I paused, thinking for a moment. “No idea. I guess I’ll know when I find it.”

By the time I had limped to the chairlifts, the sun was already beginning to fade over the edge of the mountain, casting long blue shadows against the snow. I dropped my boots and board off at the resort, telling them I’d be back in the morning to pick them up once the bindings had been fixed.

When I made it back to the suite, Rachael and Zoe were already arguing with one another. Apparently Mike had convinced Rachael to let him crash in our room along with three of his friends, mainly because they’d run out of money. Rachael was currently in the phase of teenage lust where thoughts of Mike shorted out anything that resembled cognitive thought, so that sounded like a fantastic idea to her.

The plan worked flawlessly, right up until the point where Zoe returned to the suite, wary from having spent the day with her parents. Upon finding three strangers and one asshole in the room, she proceeded kick their asses so hard that Norzdamu (lord of ass-kickery) only had time to shout “No! It’s too much!” before exploding in a shower of awesome. This brings us back to the present.

In spite of everything that had happened, I was actually quite happy. Sure, I’d busted my board, nearly killed myself, and had to fend off the relentless advances of Chad. But at the same time I’d proven to myself that I could handle anything that was thrown at me and still come out on top. To me, that’s definitely the most rewarding part of any challenge.

I lay down on my bed, put on my headphones and closed my eyes. A long sigh slipped out from my lips as I began to let my mind wander, coming to rest on the most satisfying parts of the day, reliving them again and again.

Like when I was racing down the morning slope, dodging between riders by the smallest margins.

When I was saved by Travis from crashing into the rocky outcropping.

Or when I walked out on Chad in the café.

And the part where Travis walked me back to the trail.

Or when Travis pulled off his goggles and smiled at me.

I seem to be thinking about Travis a lot, don’t I?

Fuck.

Chapter Three:

That night I was visited by dreams, haunted by visions that threatened to reveal what desires I had lurking beneath conscious thoughts. I tossed and turned beneath the sheets, struggling to keep them down. No, not like this. Not now, not ever. I can’t let this happen.

I made a promise to myself, didn’t I?

What good is anything I do if I can’t even keep a simple promise? I can’t feel this way about anyone. I won’t allow it. It’s a distraction, something to pull me away from my purpose. If I gave up now I’d just end up like everyone else. I’d become just another girl; head filled with nothing but thoughts of fashion, boys and gossip. That’s not who I am. I can’t be like that….I just…I….

My eyes flew open, chest heaving as my knuckles gripped sheets so hard they became white as snow. I gazed out the window, our suite filled with an eerie blue light as the moon shone through drifting flakes of ice that danced on the wind as they fell to earth. I gazed out at the moon and marvelled, wondering why I couldn’t be as cold and unfeeling.

Zoe and Rachael were fast asleep on their beds adjacent to mine, having worn themselves out from arguing for hours on end. By the time it was over, I think they’d pretty much vented all their energy, resigning themselves to sleeping off any feelings of discontent.

I pulled back the sheets and stood up, resigning myself to the fact I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I watched the snow falling outside, hands pressed against the cold glass of the window. What was I doing? I’d told myself that I was going to be the best girl ever, but when it came to how I was going to do that….I had no answer. All I was doing was running from my problems, same as when I’d been a guy. I suddenly recalled when I’d spoken to Travis, he’d asked me what road I travelled. I didn’t have an answer then, and I don’t now.

Travis. Just the sound of his name rolled about languidly in my thoughts, causing my pulse to quicken. Travis: The savoir. Travis: The enigma. Travis: The splinter in my mind.

There had to be a way to rationalize this. I wanted to take the problem and break it into smaller parts, make it manageable enough that I could find a solution. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was compelled no longer see it as a problem. I was compelled to revel in it.

I can’t even explain it. I wanted so badly to shut it out, to take my problem and lock it into the box of darkness along with everything else. But with Sickness gone, I could no longer find that box within myself. Instead the emotion touched me on a level I’d never conceived before. It consumed me, like a flame burning within my soul it radiated throughout my body.

I closed my eyes, pressing my head against the window. I already knew what this meant, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself:

I had a crush on Travis.

Is this what Sickness was talking about, the conflict I would feel by trying to separate my thoughts from my heart? No, she’s wrong….this is wrong. I mean, as a guy I was never into other guys. I would even try to picture what it would be like sometimes, and found myself completely disinterested with the idea.

The most tragic part of all of this was that there was nothing sexual about it. I wasn’t trying to picture what it would be like to kiss him or anything (and any attempt to do so would result in my testing the window’s tolerance to facial impact). Instead it was just that whenever I thought about him, I’d get all gushy inside and light headed.

And that’s what irked me the most. After all my talk, after all the promises I’d made, some guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet. Just like that. It didn’t take much, and suddenly I’ve been reduced to being just like every other girl who’d ever caught a glimpse of a cute smile and brash attitude.

I let out a long sigh. This wasn’t getting me anywhere. A quick glance at the clock confirmed that dawn would be breaking any minute now, so it’s not like there was much point in trying to get some sleep. Besides, if I was going to stay awake, I’d need some coffee.

I walked back to my bag, rifling through the contents until I found something warm enough to wear. The room was heated, so here I was able walk around in nothing but my underwear, but the hallways outside would be a different story. Pulling on baggy sweat pants and a hoodie, I trekked down to the hotel lobby in search of caffination. Crush or no, I wasn’t going to spend the whole day dwelling on this.

Given the hour, it was no surprise that the lobby was practically empty. There were a few people scattered about, packing their bags as they prepared to return to civilization. A twenty four hour snack bar was located near the stairs, one of those places you could buy regular food at outrageous prices. I paid for a cup of coffee and took a seat in one of the sofas placed about the lobby, watching through the sun creep over the edge of the mountain.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?”

At this point, I’d like to say that Travis appearing behind me was a complete shock. However my luck has been so lousy since this trip started, nothing seemed to surprise me any more.

“No, I guess not.” I said coolly as I sipped my coffee, which tasted largely of paint thinner and suck.

“Well that’s too bad. I guess we’re the only ones who are awake at this hour.” He said, taking a seat opposite me.

Just looking at him I could already feel my cheeks begin to flush. Dammit, can’t my body just do what I tell it to for once?

I shrugged my shoulders. “So what are you doing up anyway, you know, aside from the non-sleep?”

“I’m heading out today, so I figured I may as well get ready early and sleep on the trip home.”

My heart sank just a little upon hearing that. “Can’t you stick around any longer?”

He smirked. “Not unless you know another place I can stay, and get lift passes.”

Before I could stop myself, ideas began to flash through my mind: I quickly contemplated trying to get him to stay in our suite, before realizing that’s exactly the same stupid stunt Rachael had tried to pull yesterday. Fuck, am I really as retarded as Rachael when she fell for Mike?

I hung my head in resignation, realizing it was probably best if I didn’t answer that question. “So, plans for the rest of the day?”

He shrugged, leaning back in the sofa. “There’s a pipe jam competition on today, so I figured I’d check that out.”

I’d noticed preparations for the jam going on around the mountain since I’d arrived. A lot of banners scattered about the resort, along with flyers and the like announcing it’s imminent arrival. Now that I thought about it, I think I’d even seen a pipe dragon (think crop harvester, but for shaping half pipes) rumbling by the hotel last night, heading towards the rail park.

A thought suddenly occurred to me, and my heart leapt at the prospect: Could I use this as an excuse to hang out with Travis today? I hadn’t really made any plans with Zoe or Rachael, and given what had transpired last night, it’d probably be best if I gave them a wide birth anyway.

“That’s kind of cool, I might check it out with you.” I said nonchalantly.

“That’s fine by me.” He checked his watch. “It won’t start for a few more hours, so we’ve got time until then.”

Just the thought of spending time with Travis was enough to make me tingle. “Oh, right. Well I’ve gotta get dressed anyway. Can’t really go out like this, right?”

He nodded. “Alrighty, meet you back here in a couple of hours?”

“Sure!” I said, suddenly eager to get out of here before something could spoil the moment. “I’ll see you then.”

I finished the rest of my coffee, not even noticing the taste before heading back to the elevators. Part of me knew what I was doing and abhorred me for it. The other part knew what I was doing and couldn’t care less. To be honest, I kind of ignored the former and ran with the latter. I know I’m going to hate myself for this later. But that’s the future, and this is now. I’m a “carpe diem” kinda guy.

Actually, right now I suppose I’m that kinda girl.

I opened the suite door and stepped inside. By now Rachael and Zoe were already up and eating breakfast, though it quickly became apparent that neither of them was speaking to the other. On top of that, I also made note that Zoe has the worst bed-hair I’ve ever seen.

I quickly abandoned any notion of trying to start a conversation and slipped into the bathroom. I needed to clean myself up, or at least try to get presentable. But at the same time I was so excited, almost giddy really. For once, something on this trip was starting to go right. I pulled off my clothes, hastily climbing into the shower. As the water cascaded over my naked skin, I began to replay the events of the last few hours in my mind.

So let’s recap, shall we? I woke up hating myself for being emotional, then became even more distressed when I realized I had a crush on Travis. Then I ran into Travis, forgot all about that and tried to set myself up on a date. So I went from being completely analytical and distanced to completely girling out in a heartbeat. And now here I was, trying to make myself all pretty so I could go out and meet him again.

I don’t really understand why I’m acting this way. I mean, I know why…but I don’t understand it. It’s like suddenly when I thought about it, I just didn’t care any more. It was like I couldn’t sleep because I’d spent the whole night fighting myself. In one corner I had Kane, all-around guy and memory of who I was. In the other was Faye, a girl who wanted a life of her own.

I held my face up to the shower head, letting the steaming water spray against my skin. Had I given up? I don’t know…maybe I was just tired of fighting. I’d promised myself to be the best girl ever. Someone who was perfect; the best of being both a guy and a girl. But I don’t think that’s possible now. You can be a girl with masculine traits, or a guy with feminine aspects, but keeping a foot in both worlds? That will tear you apart.

Is what Sickness meant by that final, cryptic message? I’d spent this whole trip…no, this whole experience pushing people away. I was hiding myself, living in fear that if I opened up to anybody, they’d see me for who I really was.

I don’t want to keep running and searching, only to never find what I've been looking for. I'm tired running away. I don't want to be afraid or alone anymore.

I turned off the faucets, slipping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around myself. I could feel something had changed, like the fire that I felt before had grown somehow, building into a flame that would only spur me onward. By the time I’d stepped out of the bathroom, Rachael had already left, apparently wanting as little to do with Zoe as possible. Zoe for her part was laying on her futon, flicking idly though television channels with the remote.

“You’re finally out? And here I thought you were going to use all the hot water.”

I frowned, feeling taken aback by that comment. “Just because you’re bitchy with Rachael doesn’t mean you should take it out on me.”

“Sorry.” She muttered. I almost asked her to repeat herself, since it’s the first time she’s ever apologised for anything. “It was probably a mistake to bring her along anyway.”

“You two really don’t get along, huh?”

“Not really, no.” She flicked off the plasma TV, turning around to face me as I rummaged around in my bag for anything that might be fresh enough to wear. “Actually, I kinda did it more for your sake.”

“Why’s that?” I asked, slipping on a par of panties under the towel.

“I dunno. I mean, I like you and all. You’re just uptight all the time. I thought you might be able to relax more if you had her around.”

She had a good point. And it’s not like I hadn’t just realized the same thing. Still, that wasn’t going to help now. “Think I should try to find her?”

“Nah.” Zoe shook her head. “Let her hang out with whats-his-name all she likes. We can sort this mess out when we get back to Delacroix.”

“Fair enough.” I pulled on a t-shirt as I pulled the towel away in a single motion, just like I’d seen so many other girls do in the past. “In that case, I’m heading out to the pipe jam today.”

She nodded. “Cool, want some company?”

“Nope, it’s all good. I’m already meeting Travis there.”

Zoe eyed me curiously. “Who’s Travis?”

“Just some guy I met yesterday.” I said, suddenly feeling a little defensive.

“Ah, our little girl is becoming a woman.” Zoe chided.

“Fuck you.” I shot back, my smile broadening. “How do I know you’re not doing the same thing?”

She rolled her eyes. “I wish. This family thing keeps getting worse all the time. I’m already going there, but because my dad wants to kiss the collective ass of the mountains executive committee. So I get great seats to watch the show, provided I don’t mind sitting next to Stacy and a bunch of animated corpses.”

“Ouch” I muttered.

“Ah well, life’s a bitch.”

I finished putting on my shoes, completing the ensemble. Since Zoe already knew what I was doing, I figured there was no harm in getting her opinion. “So what do you think?” I said, tuning around quickly.

“I love your hair.” She said, smiling.

I frowned, realizing I hadn’t even brushed my hair yet. “Why’s that?”

“Makes me glad I’m not you.”

------------------------------------

By the time Travis and I made it to the pipe jam, the competition was already underway. From the look of things, this event was actually kind of a big deal, with riders from all over America competing for a spot in the Winter X Games. Everywhere you could see guard rails plastered with corporate logos and banners unfurled, flapping in the alpine wind. Crowds were cheering as they lined the pipe, with television cameras watching each rider try to find strength enough to touch the sky.

Funny thing is, standing there with Travis while we watched the events unfold, I didn’t really know what to do. Should I be friendly, or coy? Should I maybe try to flirt…wait, do I even know how to flirt? It’s not like I can offer to buy him a drink or something. Okay, maybe I can, but I know from experience that doesn’t really go over well with a lot of guys.

In the end I settled for paying for my own hot chocolate, while Travis grabbed one for himself. I was kind of at a loss for what to do. I can say I want to accept being a girl, but I still don’t know how to do anything girly right. Crap. Am I gonna have to ask Rachael about that kind of stuff?

Travis for his part seemed to be friendly enough to me, which was cool and all. But this wasn’t the first time I’ve ever been given this kind of vibe. I’m sure it’s happened to everyone at least once, right? You find this really hot girl, start turning on the charm, but before you know it she takes the ball and runs the wrong way, past the forty yard line and straight into the friend-zone.

And that’s the impression I had as I looked up at Travis, his white hair sparking in light from a perfect blue sky: He liked me, he just wasn’t in to me.

It was a disheartening revelation, but a little bit of a relief at the same time. Maybe I was taking this too fast, you know? I needed to slow down and take a breather. Yesterday I was dead against trying to open up to anyone, and today I was ready to throw myself at Travis. Sure, it’s an exhilarating feeling to let consequences be dammed like that, but I’m still learning here. I’m still trying to grow, and in spite of these revelations I still have a goal to achieve.

As I contemplated that, I became dimly aware of a ruckus building nearby. Towards the top of the pipe, where the announcer’s box and corporate seats resided, I could see a crowd starting to form. And that was when I heard it: a voice that made my blood run colder than the snow beneath my feet.

Stacey’s voice.

I did a quick bit of math in my head: Stacy was here. I knew Zoe was here. Stacy plus Zoe equals trouble squared. I thrust my cup of coca at Travis before dashing off through the snow, heading toward the disturbance. As I shoved my way past other spectators, I could hear an argument between Zoe and Stacy steadily growing more heated. When I reached the edge of the corporate seats, I was able to see Zoe and Stacy clearly, staring each other down in the back row of the stands.

As the onlookers watched the display unfold with perverse curiosity, the situation threatened to became more volatile. Having grown tired of trying to settle the dispute verbally, Stacy lashed out at Zoe. The thing was, this wasn’t your regular girly-slap. This wasn’t even a haymaker punch. Stacy’s leg whipped around, executing the kind of roundhouse that would make Chuck Norris look twice.

A cheer went up from the crowd snowboarders that had gathered at the bottom of the stairs, as the stakes escalated exponentially from being a “babe catfight” to full blown kung-fu hottie showdown. Zoe bought up her arm and intercepted the kick, blocking it and absorbing the impact before driving Stacey back with a blow to the chest.

“Oh crap…!” I leapt over the barrier that marked the edge of the corporate zone and began sprinting up the stairs, trying to reach the row in which they were fighting. By now Stacy had grabbed hold of Zoe’s arm and pulled her to the ground, rolling atop of her as she threw down one blow after another.

Muscles burnt and my heart felt like it was pumping battery acid by the time I reached Stacey, slipping my arms around her waist. I pulled against her with all the strength I could muster, pleading with her to stop. But she could neither feel nor see me, her mind lost in a haze of pure, delirious rage. To her, I was like a mosquito trying to sting an elephant.

I closed my eyes, desperately searching for another level of strength, something I could use to save Zoe. In that moment, my mind was flung back to when I was standing on the pier, staring into the churning ocean beneath my feet. When I looked into the water, I couldn’t see anything other than myself in its reflection. I’d never been so alone in my life.

But this was different. Now I had friends that I cared about. People that were worth protecting.

I felt Stacey’s grip falter as I locked my hands together, wrenching her back with every fibre of my being. The flame within me swelled, roaring to life as I toppled backward with Stacey landing beside me. All it took was one glance in her eyes, and I knew I was about to die. She wasn’t angry or livid. Deprived of her prey, she was beyond insanity. There was no reason left behind those eyes, only animal instinct.

I was helpless, unable to do anything as she pulled back her fist and drove it down. As it flew toward me, all I could do was close my eyes and await the inevitable explosion of pain that accompanied its impact...

“Stacy Keebler!”

The voice boomed out from nowhere, yet it somehow cut through the white-hot rage that filled her, reaching the conscious mind buried so far beneath it. Her fist stopped inches from my face as she turned about, looking at a middle aged man standing only a few feet away. As I opened my eyes, I could immediately tell who it was: There was no mistaking the figure was Stacey’s father.

Wordlessly, she climbed off of me and walked away. Zoe was already getting to her feet, her face swollen from what was probably going to be a black eye.

“Are you okay?” She said, offering a hand to help me up.

I watched as her father disappeared to follow Stacy, no doubt resolving to confront Zoe later. “Geez, you should worry about yourself. You look like hell.”

“Don’t worry about it, she punches like a girl.”

“Come on, we should probably get you back to the hotel.” I said, draping her arm over my shoulder.

As we made our way though the crowds, Zoe scooped up a handful of snow and pressed it against her eye. She seemed to be studying me, smiling through the pain of her injuries.

I looked back at her, curious as to her expression. “What are you smiling about? You just had your ass kicked.”

“Yeah…but you came to help me. I never really expected that.”

I thought about what she said for a moment. “Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t have before today either.”

She blinked curiously. “So what’s changed?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged.

Inside I knew the answer. Yesterday Travis had asked me what road I would run on, the path that I could follow to my dreams. For me, the power to help my friends, to inspire and create: that’s the flame road.

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 4

Author:

Red Elise

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Mature Subjects (pg15)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

TG Themes:

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Chapter one:

It’s not like I’d been hoping things would turn out this way. All I’d wanted to do was save Zoe, y’know? Turns out like many things in life, it’s not that simple. Why? We didn’t even make it back to the hotel. See, trying to start a fight in the middle of a sporting event is one thing (not to mention pretty dumb). Doing it in front of a national audience is something else. On top of that, there’s the bonus of being celebrities now.

Remember how I told you that this was the big warm up for the Winter X games? Events like that tend to draw big names. And when you draw big names, you get live television coverage. The kind with cameras that might take notice of a fight breaking out in the corporate seats. TV networks didn’t make a big deal out of it, but the internets? Keyboard cat didn’t rack up this many hits on YouTube.

Of course, I didn’t find out any of this until we’d made it back to the hotel. The local police had picked us up shortly after Zoe and I had tried to make our escape, taking the two of us back to the station for questioning. They patched Zoe up, along with dragging Stacey and her father in for good measure. Long story short, we were let off with a stern warning. In spite of the spectacle we’d made, nobody wanted to press charges. On top of that, Zoe’s dad pulled a few strings with members of the board to ensure we were given a light treatment.

Once we were back at the hotel, Rachael was losing her mind, rambling incoherently about how videos of the fight were starting to go viral over the web (if you don’t know what that is, look it up. I’m too tired to explain it now), with several sites hosting our cluster-fuck on their front page. I couldn’t tell if she was mad at us for fighting, or that she wasn’t there to join in.

I couldn’t find Travis either. He was long gone after we’d left the station, no doubt having caught his ride back to civilization. Great... Just when things were looking up, it’s all gone to crap in a heartbeat. I should have known the other shoe would drop sooner or later.

What ensured from there was pretty pathetic to watch. Rachael eventually gave up, resigned to the fact that no amount of bitching could fix the mess we’d put ourselves in. Zoe retreated to the bedroom to lick her wounds, whereas I opted to fall into the leather sofa and feel sorry for myself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I regret anything I’ve done. But you have to admit, this is a pretty lousy way to end a road trip. Zoe was beat up, Rachael was ticked off, and me….well, I guess I was just frustrated.

I’d taken my best shot at Travis and struck out. I shouldn’t really be surprised; after all it’s not like I know how to use my feminine wiles or anything. I guess what upset me was that it really showed me how far I still had to go: My road had only just started, and there was still a world of difference between being the girl I was now, and who I wanted to become. My flames didn’t yet have the strength to propel me that far.

Most of the day was wasted, with only a few hours left until night would begin to fall. I lay back against the sofa, staring at the ceiling while Rachael paced back and forth, stir crazy over everything that had transpired. She finally stopped and looked at me with an expectant glare in her eyes.

“You guys are fucked when you get back to Delacroix, you know that right?”

“I figured as much.” I muttered, knowing that half the kids in school have probably seen the video of our antics by now.

“Jesus Faye, why did you do that?” Rachael let out a sigh. “Bad enough that Zoe was taken down, but you should know by now that you can’t handle Stacey. I mean, look what happened at the mall.”

“Maybe I’m a slow learner.”

“Great, that’s just…great.” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “So now what do we do?”

“Hell if I know.” I said reluctantly. “We’re supposed to be leaving tomorrow anyway, right?”

“That’s the plan.” Zoe acknowledged from where she lay on the bed, still nursing an icepack against her bruised face.

Rachael ran a hand through her hair. “Right, so we’ve only got a few hours left until sundown.”

“What do you want Rach?” I was starting to feel frustration creep into my voice. “It’s too late to go out riding, Zoe’s too messed up go anywhere, and the pipe jam will be over by now.”

Rachael paused for a moment. “Fine, I’m going to head downstairs to the store. If we’re going to spend the night in, I may as well get us some chocolate and a few movies so we can really throw ourselves a pity party.”

She grabbed her purse and proceeded to head down to the elevators, which left Zoe and I by ourselves. I pulled myself off of the couch and walked to where she lay on the futon.

Zoe looked back at me with her good eye, smiling just a bit. “Felling any better?”

“Kinda. I think the swelling is going down.” She pulled the ice pack away, revealing a black eye glistening from the condensation pooling against it. It was looking better, that’s for sure. Of course it’s still a black eye, so it’s not like she’ll be winning any beauty pageants for a while.

Zoe had a strange look on her face, like she was tasting her words before she spoke. “Faye, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you about.”

“Shoot.” I sat down on my futon, making myself comfortable.

She took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. For a moment, it seemed like those words were unpalatable. Then finally, she spoke. “It’s about Rachael. “

“What’s your point?” I leant back, stretching just a bit. “It’s not like you haven’t told me how you feel about her already.”

Zoe shook her head. “That’s not what I mean. You need to tell her, about…well, everything I guess. I think she deserves to know.”

I shifted uncomfortably where I sat. “What are you talking about?”

Zoe sat up so that she was facing me, her tone deadly serious. “Remember that time when we went down to the boardwalk? You met up with that Amy chick and talked to her for a while.”

My chest tightened just a touch. “Not so much, why?”

Zoe stared at me, daring me to hold her gaze. “I wasn’t asleep when you were talking. I heard everything.”

This is not happening.

“At first, I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t…What you were talking about isn’t physically possible. But the more I’ve been watching you, the more it makes sense. You’re afraid of guys, you’re clueless about the most basic girl-behaviour, you’re aggressive, your hygiene sucks…I mean, do I have to go on?”

How could I have been so careless? I’d already seen past examples of Zoe seemingly off in her own world, only to be paying perfect attention to all that went on around her. Instead of bearing that in mind, I’d been so focused on Amy that I never stopped to think that Zoe could have been listening to our conversation.

I stared at my feet, unsure of what could be said in my defence. There was no reason to lie at this point. After all, Zoe wouldn’t have bought this up until she’d made certain there was no mistake.

I shrugged my shoulders, looking at her meekly “Yeah, it’s true.”

“Wow.” She muttered “I mean, I knew…but still, it’s hard to believe, you know?”

“I don’t blame you. I never would have believed it either.”

Zoe looked at me curiously. “You should have talked to me. I’ve been trying to give you a chance to open up.”

I blinked, surprised at what she was suggesting. However, I realized there had been times where Zoe had implied she knew more than she was letting on. I’d just never considered she was trying to make me open up about the truth.

“What was I supposed to do? I thought you’d figure I was crazy.”

Zoe stood up, setting the ice pack on the bedside table. “You don’t understand, Faye…How do I know what’s real about you and what’s something you made up?

“That’s not fair. You know I can’t just prove I’m telling the truth on the spot. What do you want me to tell you?” I asked bitterly, feeling as though my world could collapse at any moment.

Zoe bit her lip, hesitating for a moment. “This isn’t just something you can brush off. This is a big deal to me. Trust is a big deal.”

I could already feel tears welling behind my eyes. “I don’t know what else I can do.”

Zoe shook her head. “What do you want Faye…why are you putting yourself through this?”

“What do you mean?”

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “You could have gone back to your family. You could have run away and started over somewhere else. What was so good about this life that it was worth lying for?”

I slumped my shoulders, overwhelmed by the futility of the situation. “I don’t know.”

“That’s not good enough.” Zoe clenched her teeth. “You didn’t decide to go back to school for nothing. You didn’t make friends with Rachael because it was convenient. You didn’t pick this life for no reason.”

Desperation welled up inside of me, my body trembling as I struggled for answers. “I…don’t know.”

Zoe grabbed my shirt, curling it up in her fist as she pulled her face toward mine. For a moment I couldn’t see a difference between her and Stacey, until she finally spoke. “I’ve been waiting all this time for you to fess up. I wanted to hear you tell me, not force me drag it out of you. Why should I keep helping someone who doesn’t trust me even that much?”

“I don’t know!” I closed my eyes, feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks even as I struggled to find the words “The only thing I do know is that you and Rachael are all that’s helped me through this. And I don’t’ want to lose that!”

My words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. Slowly, I felt her hand loosen from my shirt and her grip fade away. I fell back against the bed, feeling a deep sadness within me start to swell up, bursting through any restraint I used to contain it.

I felt myself let go.

All the frustration and humiliation I’d endured, all the pain and suffering… they flowed out of me like a raging torrent. I held my face in my hands and sobbed uncontrollably, howling as I fought to stem the tide of emotion.

Zoe spoke again, disdain fading from her voice. “I guess that’s enough then.”

I wiped at the tears, trying to find a way to compose myself. “I’m so sorry. I never should have lied to you.”

She nodded lightly. “If there’s one rule I’ve lived by, it’s that friends who lie to you are trash.”

“But…” A smile touched her lips. “Friends who don’t take care of one another are worse trash.”

--------------------------------------------

When Rachael came back, I had to tell her everything. Like the whole story, from start to finish. Moving to Delacroix, the haunted room, starting high school, every last detail of my new life until this point. To my complete lack of surprise, she didn’t believe a word I’d said. Sure, she knew I was a complete failure as a girl, but she’d already figured that was due to crappy parenting. Occam’s Razor and all that. So her reasoning entailed that this was an elaborate prank Zoe and I had cooked up while she was down at the store.

So what did it take to convince her? Uhm….a lot. Even Zoe vouching for me didn’t help (like I should have expected she’d ever trust Zoe). Instead, she continued to go about putting candy into bowls, and setting up the blu-ray player like this wasn’t even happening.

Eventually Rachael was forced to acknowledge my protests, folding her arms and looking at me expectantly while she set down the remote.

“Why should I believe you? This has to be the stupidest thing you’ve ever tried to pull.”

I gave her a somewhat deadpan look “If I was going to lie to you Rach, I’d say you’re an attractive, intelligent individual whose taste in friends is beyond reproach.”

Rachael’s lips twisted into a sneer “You’re not helping your case.”

“Okay, lemme lay my cards on the table.” I said, trying to look as serious as I could. “This isn’t a lie, it’s not a trick. It’s not some devious plot to make an ass of you, Kay? It’s the truth.”

She let out a frustrated sigh, rolling her eyes. “Good god, I can’t believe I’m actually considering this.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“You wait for me to say yes then rip on me mercilessly?” She shot back.

“I can see how that’s a possibility.” Zoe said, sitting on the kitchen counter.

“Your case: Not helping. Remember?” Rachael muttered.

I placed my hands on Rachael’s shoulders, looking straight into her eyes. “This is my serious face, kay? I’m not lying. I was really a guy before I met you.”

Rachael was still looking at me dubiously, until her resolve finally began to crack. “Oh crap…you’re not lying, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Oh my god!” She cried, gushing as she tried to contain herself. “I can’t believe this!”

I raised an eyebrow, mildly confused as this was totally not what I had expected. “Wait, you’re not mad that I’ve been keeping this from you?”

“Why would I be?” She said. “Everyone has their own secrets, right? Not like I tell you everything about my life.”

Zoe frowned, looking away without saying a word. Rachael on the other hand, couldn’t contain the sudden build up of energy. “So what’s it like?”

My cheeks flushed, finding myself caught off guard by her eagerness. “Dunno, weird. I’m getting used to it though.”

Rachael grasped my arm, pulling me to the couch as she sat down beside me. “Come on, you need to tell me all the details. What’s the whole experience like; is it better to be a guy or a girl?”

I rubbed the back of my neck, blushing lightly. “I dunno, this only happened a few weeks ago. I’m still trying to adjust. It’s hard to compare. Being a guy is cool and all, and I’m a lot more used to it. I felt a lot more fearless when I was a guy.”

“So you don’t like this?”

“I didn’t say that!” I shook my head. “It’s just that this is more…refined, I guess. It’s like the difference between a tree and a flower, if that makes any sense. It’s the same in one way, but now I feel luscious, so wondrous and fragile compared to before.”

“Wow…” She was watching me in rapt attention. “This is the most awesome secret anyone has ever had. Ever. So, what else is there?”

“This isn’t twenty-questions.” I muttered darkly.

“Hell yes it is! This is a once in a lifetime chance, I’m not going to pass it up.”

I rolled my eyes, resigning myself to the Spanish Inquisition. “Okay, what’s next?”

“How old are you really?”

“Twenty three. I don’t know how old I am now, we just guessed it was around fifteen or so.”

“Seems pretty accurate.” She smiled. “How about that Amy girl, who was she?”

“That’s off limits. Next question.”

“Tch, fine.” Rachael paused, opting for a different plan of attack. “How do you like having boobs?”

I shifted uneasily on the sofa. “Uhm…let’s not go there.”

Her smile grew wider, noting my discomfort. “Played with them yet?”

“No.” I replied flatly.

“Fiddled with anything downstairs?”

“Ugh, god no!”

Rachael giggled gleefully, bouncing up and down on the sofa. “Holy crap! You haven’t had an orgasm, have you?”

I gritted my teeth, feeling my cheeks flush bright red. “No….”

“Oh man, when we get back to Delacroix, I’m going to blow your fucking mind!” Rachael packed so much salt in the wound there wasn’t room for anything else.

“How could you pass up an offer like that?” Zoe hopped off the counter where she sat.

Rachael pouted, turning her attention to Zoe. “Come on Zoe, you see what I’m getting at here.”

“Oh, I get it.” She sauntered over to the leather couch opposite us, taking a seat. “But if I let you keep going like this, we’re going to be at it all night. I thought we were going to watch a movie?”

“….Fine.” She conceded, walking over to where she’d stashed the disks. As she walked away, I looked at Zoe and silently mouthed the words “Thank you.”

Moments later, Rachel returned carrying a few separate cases in her hands. “I get another twenty questions tomorrow, kay?”

I folded my arms and sighed. “Sure, whatever.”

Rachael smiled as she popped the disc into the player. “Besides Faye, you’re about to take part in an ancient ritual that’s been passed down from mother to daughter for generations. This should be a good learning experience for you.”

“We’re going to have pillow fights?”

“No dumbass.” She tossed a few cushions from sofa to the floor and lay down atop of them. “We’re going to sit around, watch movies, bitch vehemently and discuss who’s cute.”

“I must have missed that class.” Zoe commented slyly, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl.

“You would.” Rachael groaned.

Zoe crammed the whole handful into her mouth at once, while I did my best to look deeply unimpressed. First up was one of those dumb romantic comedies, you know, where the guy is like a super-ladies-man who meets the one girl who won’t fall for his charms. So he does the logical thing, and performs the most stupid assed tricks he can to get her attention. Rachael chatted idly through the film; kind of her own running commentary while trying to see if I was warming up to the plot.

The funny thing is, as a guy, this kind of movie would be totally dumb. I’d been forced to sit through them before, and for the most part they sucked pretty badly. I dunno, maybe as a girl I was looking at things differently. I kinda felt sorry for the heroine, and I was actually relieved when they finally hooked up by the end of the film.

Hah. Had you going there, didn’t I? Romantic comedies suck out loud, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyways, Rach really did keep chatting away as best she could through the film, except Zoe kept telling her to shut up every chance she had. When that failed, she began pelting Rachael with Skittles. From the look of things, neither effort really dampened her enthusiasm. I think she was hoping to provoke a reaction out of me, like I would jump up and suddenly announce that the lead actor was hot or something. Honestly, she’s enjoying this way too much.

As the credits rolled, I noticed it had already grown dark outside. Snow had stopped falling, leaving the night sky a shimmering blanket of stars that stretched beyond the horizon. I stood up and walked to the window, looking down at the people milling about the resort below. Zoe moved beside me, joining in as I watched life carrying on about us, irrespective of my own problems.

“So what are you thinking about now?” She asked quietly.

“I’m thinking…” I paused, smiling as I looked at her. “That all things considered, this day could have been a lot worse.”

She chuckled. “What did you expect?”

I rubbed my neck idly. “I don’t know. I guess I was worried you’d think I was a freak or something.”

She smiled nonchalantly in return. “Maybe I do. But that doesn’t mean I care about you any less.”

“Way to make it awkward, Zoe.” Rachael chimed in from where she lay.

I couldn’t help but laugh, turning away from the window. I’d said a while ago that I was fond of the idea of friends, that I was attracted to the word itself. Everything changes in time. Yesterday’s friend can be tomorrow’s enemy. The only thing that’s certain is what life has in front of you.

This won’t last. As much as I want it to, I know that eventually Zoe, Rachael and I might all drift apart. It’s a cold reality of life. But you know what? I don’t care. Travis told me that his road was like snow falling from the sky: That all he wanted was his moment of perfection, knowing it would vanish until the next snowflake drifted down from the heavens.

I’m not like Travis. Our roads are not the same, leading us each on a different path through life. But right here, right now, this moment of perfection is all I could ever want.

Chapter two:

The next day we packed our bags and prepared for the trip back to Delacroix. My head was still spinning, reeling from the implications of everything that had transpired over the trip. Just think about it for a second: I woke up on Saturday, not expecting that by Tuesday my entire life would be turned on its head. Kinda like waking up as a girl when you know you’re a guy, but let’s not dwell on that.

So much has changed in the space of only a few days, it’s hard to know where to start. New philosophies, new bonds and new beliefs. It’s been so chaotic and yet so wonderful, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of regret that I was leaving. I guess parting is really a sweet sorrow after all.

Rachael, Zoe and I spent the morning loading up Zoe’s SUV, fixing boards to the roof and doing last-minute searches of our suite to make sure nothing had been forgotten. Not sure if it ever happens to you, but I always forget something. Today it was my toothbrush, which had somehow made its way into the fridge. Don’t ask.

I took a moment to get one final look at the mountain, knowing it would be my last. I inhaled sharply, taking in a much of the fresh mountain air as I could. It was a clear, sunny day: The kind of perfect blue sky that felt like it stretched on forever, but was close enough that you could reach out and touch it.

I opened the car door and climbed into the passenger seat, just as Rachael slipped into the rear. Zoe turned the key in the ignition, causing the engine to complain bitterly about the cold before roaring to life. Before I knew it we were making our way down the mountain pass, on our way back to civilization.

Once we were cruising down the highway, I heard Rachael shut off the handheld game she’d been playing. She was stretched out across the back of the car, her head propped up by a pillow against the window. She glanced in my direction, making sure I wasn’t doing anything before speaking up.

“Hey Faye, I’ve been thinking about last night.”

My heart sank. Whatever Rachael was about to say, I knew I wouldn’t like it. “Yeah, what about it?”

“I dunno, I was just wondering if you had a plan for what you were doing.” She asked in an offhand manner. “You didn’t really mention anything about what you were planning to do once you’d made it back into school.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess I never really thought that far ahead.”

“Makes sense, I suppose.”

“Oh, like you’ve got a plan?” I shot back.

“Sure I do. Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.” She quipped.

I smacked my forehead, surprised I hadn’t expected that kind of response. “Just ask me already.”

“Ask you what?” She queried innocently.

“Whatever it is you really want to ask, instead of hiding behind dumbassed questions like that.”

“I guess there’s no getting past you.” She grumbled. “I was just curious about…well, you.”

I held my palm against my skull, as though it could somehow contain the loathing that swelled with every word she spoke “How so?”

She twisted about, enough that she was able to sit with her head over my shoulder. “I want to know about you, Faye. Do you really like who you are?”

“I don’t hate it. It’s just…I dunno, I’m trying to get used to it.”

Rachael furrowed her brow “What do you mean?”

“Okay look, it’s like this.” I turned about in my seat so that I could face her. “This isn’t just about gender, kay? It’s not just about being a girl. I don’t care about how I look. Yeah, I’ve got boobs now. So what?”

“So what are you getting at?” She looked at me quizzically.

“What I’m getting at is the mental stuff. I haven’t even started to think about anything physical beyond what I absolutely have to.”

Rachael looked at me dubiously “Come on, what’s so difficult about being female?”

“Are you kidding me? Okay, lemme get the list.” I started counting off my fingers, just for dramatic effect. “One: I’m a midget who can’t fight for crap.”

“Your point?”

I shot her a look that could fry lead. “I was nearly seven feet tall and could bench over two hundred pounds!”

Rachael quickly conceded defeat on that point. “Okay, granted…what else you got?”

I let out a long sigh, displeased that she’d skipped to the next point so quickly. “Okay, how about this? Two: I’m terrified of the fact that I might like guys.”

Zoe seemed surprised by what I’d said, interjecting before Rachael could respond. “You didn’t seem that way yesterday when you were hanging with Travis.”

“That’s my point!” I cried with a mixture of frustration and embarrassment. “I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it! So eventually I just gave in and decided to go with the flow. Now I don’t know what to think…”

Rachael’s curiosity was clearly piqued. Still, she knew better than to force the issue and decided to take it nice and easy instead. “So you’re not into girls any more?”

My cheeks were hot enough to cook breakfast. “No…well, okay…I guess I don’t know. I haven’t really tried.”

“What do you mean then?” That hint of perverse pleasure was creeping into her voice again.

I shook my head. “I kinda tried looking at magazines and porn a couple of times after it happened. Nothing did it for me, so I just wrote it off as stress. It’s not like I was throwing myself at guys either, you know.”

“Really?” She narrowed her eyes, wicked smile spreading across her face. “I’m going to have to test this theory of yours.”

“Whatever.” I rubbed my eyes, trying to rid myself of the weird squirmy sensations that were tangled up inside of me.

“So what else is there?” Zoe cut in, again my savoir-of-the-changing-subject.

“Ugh, I dunno….I had a period once the changes had stopped. Christ, I thought I was going to bleed to death.”

At this point Rachael was clearly locked in a deadly struggle to keep from laughing to death.

“Yeah, keep it up chuckles.” I muttered.

“Sorry, sorry!” She pleaded, trying to regain her composure. “I know, that was rude.”

Her apology might have carried more weight if it wasn’t followed by another vicious giggle fit. I waited patiently until she’d worked it out of her system before continuing. “Yeah, well that’s how I felt about it, kay? Call me over zealous.”

“Drama queen?”

“Die in a fire.” I hissed.

“Okay, I get it.” Rachael finally managed to compose herself, speaking in a deliberately clear and respectful tone. “Anything else you’ve left out?”

I rolled my tongue against my lips, trying to conjure up memories I’d worked so hard to seal away. “Just, everything about it I guess. It’s like someone’s taken my brain and rewired it. I’m used to trying to block out every sensation, like I can categorize and store them away for future reference.”

I knew by her expression that she didn’t understand. I shook my head, trying to elaborate “Now everything is different….I want to smother myself in the most rapturous pleasures the world can offer. I want to cry until I run out of tears. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.”

Rachael nodded her head after contemplating all that I’d said. “I guess I can see what you’re driving at.”

“Just nod and smile.” Zoe offered.

She ignored Zoe, instead choosing to focus on what I’d said earlier. Her tone shifted, sounding almost like she felt a pang of regret. “So you don’t know anything about your body?”

“Just the basics.” I shrugged nonchalantly; trying to sound like this wasn’t the most awkward thing I’ve ever discussed. “I’m starting to get used to it, I guess. To be honest, there’s only one time I’ve really tried to look at myself naked.”

“You’re kidding me.” Her voice was ripe with disbelief.

I rolled my eyes. “I wish.”

“Jesus, that’s just wrong.” She muttered. “You’re really beautiful Faye, you shouldn’t be ashamed of that.”

I blinked, trying to understand if I’d heard her correctly. Beautiful? The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. All I saw in the mirror was a stranger staring back. Wether she was attractive or not never figured into the equation.

“Well, thanks…I suppose.” I stammered. “But you don’t need to say that to make me feel better.”

Rachael shook her head. “I’m not. It’s wrong Faye. No matter how it happened, you’re stuck with who you are now. You shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

My chest tightened as I spoke. “I’m really trying, Rach. It’s hard to get accustomed to this so quickly. But I do want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

She smiled, gently placing her hand on mine. “Then I’ll be right by your side.”

--------------------------------------------

By the time we’d made it back to Delacroix, the sun was already setting behind a row of hills that marked the horizon. Rachael had dropped her gear off at home before returning to the car, having decided to spend a little more time with yours truly. She didn’t mention exactly why, though I was quite sure it was because she was all too curious about my male heritage. Of course, she’d hidden that behind statements about how her parents were ticked that she’d been gone for too long, so she’d rather give them time to cool off. Kinda made me wonder if she had a summer home in the State of Delusion.

Zoe’s SUV rolled up the gravel driveway to my home, coming to a gentle halt just behind Nick’s Camero. I clambered out of the passenger seat, glad to finally stretch my legs. Zoe passed me my duffel bag, deciding she’d rather stay in the car than join us.

“Aren’t you going to stick around some?” I slung the bag over my shoulder.

“Nope.” She smiled, looking at me through the window. “There’s a documentary on the discovery channel I’m dying to catch.”

“You’re a filthy liar.”

“Probably…but I’m beat from the drive. Besides, Rachael looks like she has something she wants to get off her chest.”

I raised an eyebrow thoughtfully. “What, about everything that’s happened with me? It can’t be that big a deal.”

“Who knows? Anyways, I’m not sticking around to find out.” She smiled, putting the car into gear and backing out of the driveway. I watched as she sped off into the distance, not really sure if she needed to have some time to herself, or wether she really was just worn out from the trip. Probably both, I guess.

Rachael waited for Zoe to disappear before she turned to me. “Come on, lets get inside already.”

“What’s your big hurry?” I asked, fumbling through my pockets for the keys.

“After eight hours in a car, I really need a bath to unwind.”

I slid the key into the lock, opening the door. “We don’t have a bath.”

“Fine. Shower, whatever you’ve got.”

When we strode inside, Nick was already sitting at his computer playing some kind of online fantasy game. Empty packs of Cheetos and Pringles were strewn about the desk where he sat. He glanced at me lazily, headphones hanging around his neck. “Welcome back.”

“Hey.” I muttered, setting my bag down as I walked inside. “Did you get my note?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” His attention was already back on the computer, tapping away at the keyboard and mouse. “It’s cool, I figured you’d call if you needed anything.”

Rachael glanced at Nick, not really sure what to say. It’s not like she disliked him or anything, more the fact that they just never really had much to talk about. Kinda like two people on different wave lengths. Or different polarities. I need to pay more attention in science class.

I walked into my bedroom, feeling a strange sense of relief wash over me. What is it about returning home after a trip that always feels so good? I wasn’t really sure. Instead I fell onto my bed, landing on the soft duvet as the tension of the last three days began to slowly ebb away. I could hear Rachael in the bathroom down the hall, already locking the door as she prepared a shower for herself.

Why shouldn’t I relax anyway? To tell the truth, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My big secret; an identity that I couldn’t admit to anyone but myself was finally out of the bag, and my friends didn’t hate me for it. In fact, things were already feeling like they were getting back to normal.

No more secrets, no more lies. I was free to be myself again.

So where was I going with my life anyway? It was a good question, even if Rachael didn’t mean it. Okay, sure, I’ve put my life back together, become a part of teenage culture and seemingly vanquished the evil of Sickness that plagued my mind. I can pretty much cross those off my to-do list.

Though instead of being satisfied, I suddenly felt as though I didn’t have any direction. It was sobering thought; realizing that I’d achieved so much, but didn’t have anywhere left to go beyond that.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I suddenly felt normal or something, or completely at home with who I am.

I was riding the flame road, but where it led to was my decision to make. Saying your want to be stronger, to have the power to help your friends and loved ones isn’t the problem: It’s how you reach that goal. How do I achieve everything I’ve decided is worth living for?

I sat bolt upright, blinking as a mop of bluish hair fell into my eyes. I can’t just sit here wasting time. I need to get things moving forward again. If I hesitate too long, I might just get too comfortable with how my life is now. Right now I have all this momentum, so much progress that I’ve made. I can’t afford to lose it now. I need t–

My train of thought came to a jarring halt when I heard the door crack open behind me. I turned about, half expecting Nick to be standing there, ready to chastise me for leaving without any notice. Instead Rachael calmly strode in, a towel wrapped above her chest. Her skin still glistened with small drops of water. I could even smell the faint perfume of shampoo lingering in the air.

I sighed, frustrated with her lousy timing. “Did you need to borrow some clothes or something?”

She stood before me, wet hair still clinging to her skin. Without a single word, she reached down to where the towel clung to her body, and loosened its hold enough that it fell to the floor.

Rachael.

She looked like a goddess. Milky white skin that didn’t betray a single flaw, curves that were shaped by the hands of an artist. It wasn’t that she was naked that took my breath away. It wasn’t her expression that didn’t know wether to be amused or frightened that I wouldn’t stop staring. It’s that she was perfect.

Perfect in the ways all I’d always dreamt of a girl. She wasn’t like a model, or a girl you’d find spread across a centrefold. Her body was honest. Her breasts were small but strangely perky, with small dark nipples that stood out from the cold. There was a mole next to her belly button, leading your eye down to the sweet womanhood between her legs. Nothing was exaggerated or understated. Everything had a unique and wondrous quality.

She didn’t wait for me to respond, clearly not realizing it was taking all my concentration just to draw my next breath. Instead she calmly lay down beside me on the bed, close enough that I could feel warmth from the shower radiating off her skin. I waited, hoping that she might say something to break the silence.

Instead she simply closed her eyes, waiting for me to make the next move. I blinked, staring at her in disbelief. I could feel my life ticking by with every second of the clock that sat beside my bed.

“Uh, Rach…?”

A smile played upon her lips, breaking her calm exterior. “Don’t make me spell it out for you.”

Gears stripped themselves, snapping pistons as my mind struggled for a response. “Uh, still a guy in here, remember?”

Rachael propped herself up on her elbows, clearly frustrated that I’d spoilt the mood. “You said you didn’t know if you liked guys or girls, right? So let’s answer that question.”

I blinked, barely able to comprehend what she was proposing. “You’re tossing me a mercy fuck?”

“If you really want to call it that.” She fell back against the bed, letting out a long sigh.

I let my eyes wander over her, all the while my heart was threatening to rip itself from my chest. “Um…okay, like…how should I start then?”

“Oh my god!” Rachael’s eyes fluttered open, filled with disbelief. “You’ve never done this before, have you?”

“I have!” I protested, searching for whatever male bravado I had left. “Just…not often. And not like this. And definitely not as a girl.”

Rachael ran a hand through her hair, trying not to let her frustration get the better of her. “Okay, just start with my boobs, okay? I kinda need to get in the mood.”

“Okay…” I bit my lip, wondering if fate really does have a sense of irony. As a guy I barely ever spoke to girls, let alone made it to second base. Now here I was with one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen, and I was so dumbstruck I couldn’t think of a single thing to do.

I leant towards her hesitantly, distantly aware of the fact that I was still fully clothed as opposed to her naked flesh. I still wasn’t really sure if I felt anything. I mean, I felt something that was kinda like arousal, but I wasn’t sure if it was the genuine article, or just my male ego trying to compensate.

My lips brushed against the soft, yielding flesh of her breast, closing about her nipple and kissing it softly. Rachael spoke up, her voice a little more husky now as she tried to slip into the role. “Mhmmm, that’s good…”

I let my tongue swirl about, frantically trying to think of ways to mask the fact I was completely terrified. I pulled back slowly, licking my lips as I forced a smile. “You’ve got really nice boobs.”

Strangely, her eyes were closed as I looked at her, but she was smiling all the same. “Thanks, I made them myself.”

I moved in again, letting my hand slip around one of her breasts while I gently kissed the other. My heart sank as she spoke up again, obviously feeling that she needed to give me directions. “No, don’t do that…uhm, geez…why don’t you rub my crotch a little, okay? Just not too hard.”

Reluctantly, I slipped my hand away from her breast, trailing it down her abdomen. I found the small patch of hair that marked her vagina and began to rub softly with the tips of my fingers.

“That’s not it.” She quipped. “…Lower.”

Ever felt like you just wanted the earth to swallow you up?

As I searched for Rachael’s sweet spot, I felt her arms move to my waist and grab a hold of my shirt, gathering it up before sliding the garment up my stomach.

“What are you doing?” My arms drew back from her body as she tugged the shirt away from me.

“If I have to be naked, then so do you.” She calmly stated.

I hung my head dejectedly, resigned to this one way or the other. I wriggled about next to her, trying to pull off my pants as she fumbled with the clasp of my bra. Once they were down far enough, I tried to kick them away, only to succeed in striking Rachael’s thigh at the same time. She yelped in pain and frustration, casting a scornful look at me.

“Sorry!” I cried apologetically.

“Never mind…” She muttered as my bra came free. It slid effortlessly down my arms; all the while her eyes were fixated on the sight of my breasts.

“What?” I was feeling self conscious now, waiting for her to break the stare.

“Nothing!” She protested, smile spreading across her face. “I just think it’s so funny that a guy has bigger tits than I do.”

“Shut up!” I pouted, covering them with my hands.

“Oh god, you really are a drama queen!” Rachael reached up and gently took my hands, pulling them away. I didn’t resist, instead trying to relax and find a modicum of control.

“Okay, I’m naked now. Happy?”

Rachael lifted an eyebrow. “You’re still wearing panties.”

“Almost naked.” I corrected.

“Fine…” Her hands drifted away from my arms, coming to rest on the swell of my bare breasts. Rachael began to rub her fingers, ever so lightly, back and forth across my nipples. “Are you feeling wet?”

I nodded slowly, pleasure crossing my face like a shadow. It was probably the weirdest sensation I’d had since I’d become a girl: So delicious, but kinda icky at the same time. I closed my eyes, leaning back just enough to press my chest into Rachael’s hands.

“Good.” I felt one of her hands draw away from my chest, trailing a finger down the curve of my hips far enough as to hint at its destination.

“It's not all about penetration, you know.” I could feel her fingertips now tracing along the edge of my panties, teasing me with the promise of carnal delights to come. “But you’ll learn that this is definitely the most sensual part of your body.“

I opened my eyes slowly; just enough to gaze down at Rachael’s smiling face. I let my tongue play against my lips, not really sure what to say. I was with another girl and instead of being the leader, I’d let her take control. She’d become the dominant one while I hadn’t even batted an eyelid.

Rachael’s expression darkened just a touch; her smile twisting into something more mischievous. “So, do you want to go all the way or what?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Thought you’d never ask.”

Her thumbs hooked around the waist of my panties, gently tugging them down. In that moment she paused, eyes darting up to meet mine. “…Just promise me one thing.”

There wasn’t a thing in the world that was off limits. “Anything.”

“When this is over, don’t say that you love me.”

Chapter three:

When I awoke the next morning, it wasn’t because I was well rested. In fact, I couldn’t figure out why I found myself being roused from my slumber. Instead, all I knew was that I could feel something digging into my hip. I shifted in frustration, trying to get comfortable when I suddenly felt the warmth of the duvet vanish, yanked away from my bare skin.

Wait, since when did I sleep naked?

Before I’d even had a chance to open my eyes, events of last night rose to the surface of my mind like bubbles from a tar pit. Images of the night that had been raced through my thoughts, fast enough they kept slipping through my fingers. I remembered Rachael staying over, coming back to my room after a shower and…umm…wait…oh crap.

I let my eyes gradually creep open, the sight which greeted them instantly confirming what I already knew. Rachael lay beside me, her knee digging into my hip as she coveted the duvet all to herself. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, trying to brush away cobwebs from my thoughts while I struggled to think of what to do next.

Of course, it’s not like I was afraid of how Rachael might react if she woke up right now. Oh no. My fear was that Nick had spent an all-night gaming session to the orchestral backing of my cacophonic, rapturous cries echoing through the house.

As my mind began to clear, memories of what I’d done began to flow more steadily than before. I remember thrashing, moaning, kissing…I clasped a hand to forehead, trying to reconcile the flow that was rapidly swelling to a torrent. I’d done it…I mean, as a girl. Can you even understand how big a deal this is?

This hadn’t been just sex. On a scale of one to ten, one being your average Saturday night fling down at the Valentine household, and ten being the most depraved act of sexual theatre known to man, I’d have to say without me being immodest? About eleven.

Okay, so I’m overreacting.

Probably.

Maybe.

But why shouldn’t I? My first time ever having sex, and it was with my best fiend. Worse still, I hadn’t even been a guy when it had happened. Rachael didn’t force this upon me. I’d let her do it. I’d yearned for her to do it.

I even begged her to do it.

Gingerly, I pushed Rachael’s knee aside, shifting my weight enough to climb over her. I was on all fours, hovering over her as I attempted to make my way to the edge of the bed. Just as I was about to place a foot on the floor, Rachael stirred beneath me. Her eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the light before gazing up at me, balanced over her like some erotic trapeze artist.

“Going somewhere?”

Crestfallen, I abandoned any notion of subtlety and fell back to the bed beside her. “Not really. I was just hoping to find Nick before you bumped into him.”

She stretched beneath the covers, letting out a soft groan as I heard several bones pop and crack. “What’s the problem?”

“That’s a dumb question.” I winced, picturing events of the previous night. “We made enough noise to wake the dead.”

Rachael giggled, brushing a lock of hair from my cheek. “Actually, most of that was you. Who knew deep down, our manly-man would be a screamer?”

I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t remind me. This is already going to take the rest of my life to reconcile without you adding to that deficit.”

“Forget it.” She said, pulling herself from the covers enough to kiss me softly on the lips. “By the time I’m done, you’ll never want to be male again.”

Just the taste of her lips was enough to get my heart pounding. I smiled weakly, trying to play it cool. “Is that a fact?”

“Mhmm.” She kissed me again, lips tasting like strawberries. “Just think of this as your reward for taking the first step.”

I hesitated, not really eager to spoil the mood. But a question pricked at the edge of my thoughts, refusing to be ignored any longer. “Rach, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but….I kinda need to know where we stand.”

Rachael rolled her eyes, making no effort to hide her mock-disgust. “Always the drama queen, aren’t you?”

“Come on, it’s a pretty reasonable question.” I narrowed my eyes. “And I’m not a drama queen.”

“What would you call it?”

“Drama king?” I ventured.

“Nice try.”

I was about to object when she pulled herself free of the covers, guiding herself over me. Her wonderfully soft butt came to rest on my hips, pushing down as she held me against the bed. She let her hands slide over my abdomen, teasing delicate flesh while she gazed at me with adoration.

Her fingernail slowly drew a path through the valley of my cleavage, and when she spoke her voice was dripping with irony. “Let’s make this really simple: I’ll give you three rules. All you need to do is follow them, think you can manage that?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope.” She withdrew her hands, placing them on the curve of her hips. “Okay, the first thing is that we’re still friends. Not lovers, not girlfriends, not fuckbuddies. It’s just friends with benefits now. Got it?”

I’d by lying if I didn’t say my heart just sank a touch. “Alright.”

“Good.” She nodded approvingly. “Oh, and you can’t tell anyone about this.”

“Why the hell not?”

Rachael gave me a frustrated look. “You’re not a guy any more Faye. You can’t go around bragging about who you’ve slept with.”

“Don’t tell me you’re worried about people thinking you’re a slut.”

“Fuck no.” Rachael rolled her eyes. “You don’t understand. There’s a rumour mill you’ve never even seen at school. If they get so much as a whiff of blood in the water, being thought of as sluts will be the least of our trouble.”

I looked at her dubiously “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Ever seen Carrie?”

I felt my eyes widen in horror. “Oh crap.”

“Right.” She nodded. “So you have to promise not to tell anyone, at least for the moment.”

“Not even Zoe?”

“Especially not Zoe.” She hissed.

“Oookay.” I muttered, glancing away. “What’ the third rule?”

She stopped to ponder that for a moment, as though she hadn’t considered what the third rule might actually be. “Rule number three is….you have to tell me your name. Your real name.”

“No way. Not a possibility. Think of something else.”

“You heard me.” She leant in, close enough that soft lengths of hair were tickling my skin. “Otherwise benefits are off the table.”

I pouted lightly, frustrated that I was being manipulated so easily. “Fine.”

She didn’t move an inch, clearly enjoying her position far too much to relinquish it. “Okay, let’s start with number three.”

I paused, unable to find the words when I tried to speak. Why the tightness in my throat, why the hesitation? Thinking of myself as a guy with Rachael perched atop of me, pressing against my most intimate regions made it all the more difficult to delve into that past life.

I closed my eyes, summoning all the courage I could muster. In that moment, I was able to speak despite the defences that had been mounted around my thoughts. “Kane.”

“Really?” Her expression grew distant, as though she was thinking of something else. “No wonder…”

“Huh?”

She smiled, eyes snapping back into focus. “It’s a strong name.”

I couldn’t help but smile in spite of myself. Rachael wasn’t doing any of this out of any need for intimacy. Instead she was trying to make me comfortable with myself. She’d known since the day she had met me that I was the anti-girl: Someone who completely rejected who she was, despite her inability to change that disposition. She’d taken it upon herself to educate me, taking pity on the fact my complete ineptitude seemed to only draw attention to myself.

Now that she knew the reason, it seemed to only strengthen her resolve. She wasn’t content to sit by and help any more when the situation arose. Instead my revelation only proved how far I needed to go, and that she obviously needed to take a more proactive stance.

In short, Rachael had appointed herself as my mentor in all things female.

I felt her hands snake along my stomach, coming to rest atop the curve of my bare breasts. She squeezed them tenderly, her loving touch evoking a soft gasp from my lips. “Ohhh…quit that.”

Rachael shook her head, running a tongue along the edge of her lips. “I think your boobs are definitely your best feature. They’re so big and perky.”

“Gimme a break.” I pleaded weakly “That kind of talk is cruel and unusual.”

“It’s true!” She giggled gleefully “They might actually get larger, you know.”

I groaned softly, closing my eyes. “Are you serious?”

Rachael moved her lips to my ear, her low voice a seductive whisper. “Who knows? Most girls don’t stop filling out until the end of their teens.”

She drew back slowly, enough that she could study my expression. Rachael was deliberately teasing now, trying to see how much I could take before biting back.

I clenched my teeth, feeling rebellious despite the position I was in “If that’s true, then the same goes for you too.”

“Oh, it does…but I don’t think it’s something I have to worry about.” She bit her lip, trying to suppress a playful smile “Top-heavy has never really run in the family.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” I pleaded, already worried about where this conversation might lead.

Rachael nodded thoughtfully, satisfied with my response. “Okay, let’s see…How do you feel about girls now?”

I smirked, knowing she was perfectly aware of the answer as she lay atop of me. “I’m pretty sure I’m into girls, thanks.”

“Just checking…” She said, looking away innocently.

I bit my lip, watching Rachael for a moment. “How come you’re such an expert anyway? When I was your age I’d barely discovered how to get myself off, much less anyone else.”

She drew a finger away from my chest, placing it against my lips like this was her own little secret. “My parents sent me away to camp last summer. Mom was trying to find stores across the state that would sell her pottery, and dad was always too busy run things with me around. While I was there, I met a girl who was one of the councillors.”

Rachael paused, trying to think of the right words. “She…taught me a lot.”

I looked up at Rachael, surprised that she would be so open about herself. I suppose she was feeling guilty that here I was, baring my soul (along with everything else) and she’d been paying her cards close to the chest. Realizing that perhaps she’d said too much, she simply blushed lightly and looked away. “Anyways, ever since I guess I’ve been more into girls.”

“Can’t say I regret you decision.” I mused playfully.

“I would never have guessed.” Rachael tossed her head back, the long mane of sandy blonde hair falling behind her shoulder. “So tell me… how does it feel as a girl, for your first time?”

A myriad of emotions swirled about in my mind. Sensations like pain, lust and bliss all drifting through my thoughts. The experience had been so different, so yielding. There was no rush, no race that needed to be won. Rachael had taken her time; played my body like a violin then cut the strings.

As if sensing my hesitation Rachael began to rub my breasts, squeezing them together softly. I gasped lightly, knowing she wouldn’t quit until I gave her an answer that satisfied her curiosity.

“ It was …kinda awkward, and a little embarrassing, but totally amazing at the same time.”

She lifted a delicate eyebrow. “Better than as a guy?”

I looked away, her question striking a deeper wall in my subconscious, one much more heavily fortified. “Don’t make me answer that.”

“What’s the matter?” Her resolve faded, but didn’t vanish completely. “You seem upset all of a sudden.”

I looked at her pensively “Sorry, there are some things that are still too weird to deal with right now.”

“Oh?” She looked at me curiously. “How’s that exactly?”

“Well, I mean it’s just so fast, you know?” I tried to focus, but the gentle stoke of Rachael’s fingers was making it quite difficult. “I know it still sounds weird to say it, but a few weeks ago I was still a guy. Now everything is different. Nothing makes sense the way it used to.”

“Mhmm…” Rachael nodded, brushing her lips against mine. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to keep me off balance, or this was just another one of the playful torments she seemed to delight in.

I looked up at her pleadingly “You don’t understand Rach: What I told you in the car, about how I used to be? I wasn’t lying. I feel like a whole part of my life has been ripped, no-- torn from me. All that strength and security I took for granted…it’s gone now.”

I’d expected that would probably kill the mood, or at least dampen her enthusiasm somewhat. Instead she kissed me, with the kind of warmth and passion that burnt away all the pain and frustration between the past and this one, single moment where nothing else mattered.

When she broke away I was gasping for breath, my whole body tingling with energy. “What was that for?”

A mischievous smile crept over her face. “Stop talking about everything you’ve lost.”

I shook my head, barely able to keep my emotions from bubbling over. “You don’t know what this means to me, okay? Don’t even pretend that you do. We’re not talking about possessions or jewellery, or some useless crap I can replace with a trip to the mall. This was my life. I mean…Everything that I was, all the people who knew me…they’re all gone now, and I can’t ever bring them back.”

“Bring back what, exactly? It’s not like they’re dead.” Rachael furrowed her brow, somehow dreadfully cute at the same time.

“I know, but…” I exhaled slowly, feeling my frustration slowly fade. “Even if I saw them in the street, they wouldn’t recognize me. I’d be just another stranger.”

“You shouldn’t worry about that Faye.”

I blinked, unable to understand what she was proposing. “Then what am I supposed to believe in? What do I to have to show for everyone I’ve ever met?”

Rachael bit her lip, searching for an answer. “Tell them what you had faith in, what you believed in. Tell them what is worth living for.”

I stared at her, trying to fathom exactly what she meant. “How does any of that matter?”

“It’s not about what you had, or what you owned. Your possessions aren’t something you can keep forever. It’s the same with people.”

Rachael smiled warmly, moving closer as she continued. “It’s about how much faith you have in what you believe. That’s what makes you who you are, and that’s what decides your future.”

Her lips brushed my neck as her voice became barely a whisper. “What you look like does not matter: What you believe in, and the people you trust are the only thing that has value worth measuring. It’s the one thing that’s worth holding on to.”

I wanted to object. Burst out into tears. Scream about how she couldn’t understand me until my lungs burnt and my throat was dry. But none of that would have proven she wasn’t absolutely right. My stuff doesn’t matter. Losing who I was doesn’t matter. If I can remember what I believed in, the experiences and knowledge I’d gained through all my trials…that’s something I can pass on to my friends and family no matter who I am now.

I exhaled slowly, trying to force a smile. “When the hell did you get so smart?”

Her tongue ran playfully over her lips as she contemplated wether to be truthful or not “I think I heard that in a video game once.”

Coming from anyone else, that kind of comment should be a surprise.

Rachael’s face brightened. “Didn’t I tell you I’m here to help? We’re a team now.”

I rolled my eyes, more embarrassed by how corny that sounded than the truth behind it. “Yeah, you did.”

I narrowed my eyes as a thought occurred to me. “So tell me truthfully…what’s the reason you helped me out after we first met. Did you have a crush on me?”

“Hell no!” Rachael’s posture immediately shifted to the defensive. “You were acting way too much like a tomboy for my tastes.”

“Oh what, and I’m not now?”

Rachael’s hands slid down the curve of my waist, tickling my abdomen gently. “Now that you mention it, I really don’t think you are.”

“What? I’m plenty tomboy!” I scowled. “I’m as manly as a bearded shark!”

“….That doesn’t sound very manly.”

“I hate you so much right now.” I replied evenly.

Rachael gazed at me with quiet adoration, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t think Zoe’s noticed it Faye, but you’re actually becoming quite feminine.”

In spite of any truth to her argument, I was adamant to prove her wrong. “Oh yeah, how?”

“Just in your behaviour, really. I mean you’re still as clueless as ever, don’t get me wrong.” She kept looking at me with that warm, relaxed expression. “But I’ve noticed how you’ve changed as well. Think about it…the way you talked, how you acted…you were always so detached and abrupt. Like there was something inside you that was determined to hate who you were as much as possible.”

“As opposed to now?”

Rachael smiled wryly, making sure she chose her words carefully. “Now, you’re just so much more relaxed. You go with the flow. You’ve stopped trying to make sense of everything and instead you’re just enjoying the ride.”

I could have argued, maybe regaled her with stories about how conflicted I’ve been over everything that’s happened of late. But the truth is part of me wanted her to be right. I’ve been working so hard to accept who I am, it seemed pointless to fight over anything now.

Her hand came to rest on my cheek, cupping it gently. “Can’t you just admit you like being Faye Valentine?”

My scowl faded, a smile tugging at the edge of my lips. “A little.”

Rachael quirked an eyebrow. “Just a little?”

“A teeny-tiny bit.”

Rachael kissed me one last time, warmth flowing into my lips before she slowly drew back. “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 5

Author:

Red Elise

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Restricted Audience (r)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

TG Themes:

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Chapter one:

My bedside clock was announcing the hour as being well past midday by the time Rachael decided to pull herself off of me. My whole body was sticky, hair matted with sweat as I pulled it from my eyes. Rachael stood beside the bed, light shining between my curtains wrapping itself about the curves of her body. She looked at me, her face betraying no hint of remorse or embarrassment at what had transpired between us. Instead she was a picture of quiet confidence, her movements smooth and elegant as she looked about the room, searching for something between the mounds of dirty clothes and rubbish strewn about.

“Don’t you still have some of the clothes that I leant to you?”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” I clambered out of bed, going to my wardrobe. I dug about until I found a small bag I’d been keeping. “Here, I even washed them for you.”

“I guess I should be thankful.” She muttered, deliberately making note to stare at the clothing that littered the floor.

I folded my arms, giving her a filthy look. “We’ve only been in a relationship less than a day and you’re already trying to change me.”

“This isn’t a relationship, remember?” She slid on a black t-shirt, her curves looking far less pronounced than mine did when I wore it. “Think of it as a sex tutorial.”

“Could you find a way to make it sound less appealing?”

“Just making sure you don’t get confused.” She replied evenly. “Otherwise it’s just going to get complicated.”

I shook my head, picking up the towel Rachael had discarded last night. “Whatever. I feel gross, so I’m going to take a shower.”

As I walked to the door, Rachael ran her fingers through my hair. “Have you thought about changing your hair color?”

“What’s wrong with this?” I asked, feeling sensitive about my appearance all of a sudden. “I like blueish purple.”

She giggled lightly, turning me to the mirror on my vanity as she spoke. “You haven’t colored it since I met you, so all the dye is fading.”

I sighed, taking a closer look at the lock of hair she held up to the light. It’s true that I hadn’t colored it since that fateful day I’d become a girl. I’d done it in a hurry, desperate to show that I could exert some modicum of control over my appearance, no matter how badly it turned out. The result wasn’t exactly colorfast, and recently it had faded until bleached white strands were starting to become obvious.

“Your roots are starting to show as well.” She added, pointing to the dark inch of hair that was growing from my scalp. “Want me to fix it up for you?”

“You can do that?” I looked at her, surprised by her offer. It’s not like I was accustomed to any of my friends giving me beauty tips.

Rachael smiled, taking a step back. “Of course. We’re not mixing explosives here.”

I raised an eyebrow “You don’t know how to make explosives.”

“None that you know of.”

“Great.” I replied with a touch of irony. “Then you can color my hair so long as you don’t blow up my house.”

“I’m not making any promises.” She beamed proudly.

I shook my head as I walked out of the bedroom. I’d expected that Nick would have left for his classes by now, as he usually did on a weekday. So you can imagine my surprise when I found him standing in the hallway, casually eating a sandwich while he stared at me.

“Nick!” I pulled the towel up, hastily trying to cover myself from his wandering eyes. “What are you still doing here?”

He didn’t answer, instead choosing to let the silence emphasize his response. “I couldn’t sleep last night. Funny about that, huh?”

Crap. I’m never going to live this down. “Uhm…yeah, funny about that. Must be the neighbours or something.”

I watched Nick’s gaze linger for a moment, before he turned and vanished into his bedroom. “Next time, turn up the stereo so I don’t have to listen to you.”

I let out a long sigh, knowing that he was probably just waiting for Rachael to leave so she wouldn’t bear witness to the grotesque punishment (Nick’s “Special Technique Number 49: Megaton Punch”) that followed. This just keeps getting better and better…

I stepped into the bathroom, relaxing I heard the door click shut behind me. I’d have to wash my hair first if Rach was going to be dying it anyway. I already knew she’d be coloring it red, since that was all I had left. The tubes of blue and purple I’d already purchased were used up, crimson being the only color I hadn’t touched. It was still stashed in the medicine cabinet alongside all the other feminine hygiene products I’d been forced to buy. Oh, makeup was in there too. Lots of makeup.

A lot of you are probably wondering why I’ve never talked about learning how to apply makeup. After all, I’m wearing it in all of the pictures, right? The truth is actually pretty simple. When I first went shopping to try and pick up some other necessary accoutrements for rocking a pair of XX chromosomes, I insisted on buying makeup.

I couldn’t walk around wearing a Guy Fawkes mask all day. People were going to recognise me as a teenage girl one way or the other. I didn’t want people to see me for who I really was, so makeup was like a different kind of mask that I could hide behind. It was another layer of armour, something to keep people guessing. I didn’t care if they saw me as a girl, so long as they saw me as someone else…someone who was comfortable with who they were. Then I could take solace in knowing my secret was safe. It really has nothing to do with taking pride in my appearance, which is why I always dressed in really bland, guy-ish clothes.

Of course, I have more feminine garments to wear now, but I haven’t really tried anything on yet (beyond the obsequious dressing-room modelling sessions with Rachael) with all that’s been happening lately. Mountain trips, psychotic episodes and murderous siblings tend to fuck with my timetable.

By the time I’d stepped out of the shower, the bathroom was filled with a haze of steam. I wiped my hand across the mirror, peeling back the layer of condensation to reveal my reflection. I gazed at myself, punctuating bouts of self appraisal with absurd facial expressions. Rachael told me I was beautiful, but I hadn’t even stopped to think if she was telling the truth.

Was I beautiful? I didn’t know. I wasn’t ugly, that much was obvious to me. But attractive? I wasn’t sure.

I’ve read stories online where the guy-turned-babe takes one look in the mirror and states “My reflection was totally the kind of girl I’d want to fuck, but only I can’t because that’s me now!”

Think about how absurd that is for a moment: Just picture you’re me. Go on, I’ll wait. Got that? Good. Now stop staring at your tits and think about how all this happened. You’re a guy who was just turned into a girl for no reason. Your life is over. Everything you ever took for granted is gone. You’re not thinking of yourself as being attractive. You’re not thinking about anything except how fate ripped apart the man you were and slapped together a girl from the wet chunks that were left behind. You’re not hot.

You’re an abomination.

An oddity of nature that shouldn’t exist.

Get the picture?

I suppose Rachael’s crash course in “Girlhood 101” had given my fragile ego boost enough to see past those lingering thoughts and try to look at myself with a degree of objectivity. Maybe it’s possible I was hot, as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself. After all, if I started believing that, then I’d probably get all uppity about it, and before you know it I’d be acting like some vapid fashionista. And who needs that on their conscience?

It’s too bad Sickness wasn’t around. She could always bring me down whenever I started seeing the bright side of life.

I shook my head, securing the towel around my chest before walking back to my bedroom. Rachael was dressed when I returned, sitting at my computer and browsing through it’s contents. She scrolled through files and folders, smiling as she saw me enter.

“You’ve got a lot of porn on here.”

I dug through my wardrobe while looking for something to wear. “Yeah, so what?”

She shrugged, going back to scrolling through my files. She amused herself by critiquing each girl, based on surgical enhancements.

“Fake, fake, fake, real, fake, real, oh-my-god-what-were-you-thinking, fake, real….I’m not distracting you, am I?”

“Not even a little.” I slipped on an old shirt, one from days gone by that fit like a circus tent: There wasn’t much point in wearing anything nice with all the bleach and coloring that’s going to be flying around. Rachael tore her eyes away from the girly goldmine to appraise my choice in fashion.

“That shirt suits you, belong to anyone you know?”

I smiled wryly, slipping on a pair of black khaki’s. “About as much as yours suits you. Was it cheap?”

“Ouch.” She quipped, moving over to size me up. “Kitty’s got claws.”

“Yeah right.” I rolled my eyes, moving toward the door. “C’mon, let’s get this over with.”

--------------------------------------------

Ever had your hair dyed? It stinks. I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean it really smells god awful. See, you can’t just put the coloring in first. Most people’s hair is too dark for that, and mine’s naturally black (or it is these days, anyway). So you have to use hydrogen peroxide to bleach it first. Peroxide will bleach the living crap out of anything it touches. That includes clothing, carpet, and even your skin. If it gets near metal, it’ll rust before your eyes. So you have to be extremely careful when applying it.

Once everything has been pasted, you get to sit around while not choking to death from the stench. Rachael wrapped most of my head in an old towel to keep the bleach from drying it (if it does, it’ll be even harder to remove later) while opening all the bathroom windows.

When all the fun and games are over, you can wash it out with warm water and shampoo. Think you’re done? Dream on. Next we get to apply the coloring to the newly bleached hair. This is the part where Rachael gets to grind her fingers into my scalp, causing as much pain as humanly possible under the guise of ensuring sure the coloring makes it’s way to the roots. Cue more sitting around waiting for the stuff to take, consumed by watching daytime talk shows. I would have changed channels, but Rachael considered it a lesson in everything that’s wrong with humanity.

One wash and mad towelling later, my hair looked like it had been hit by fifty thousand watts of funk. Which is to say it was red, lustrous and sticking out all over the place.

“Perfect!” Rachael beamed, admiring her handywork.

“It’s not bad, take some getting used to though.” I slipped on my glasses to get a better look.

She ran a hand through my hair, doing her best to mess it up all the more. “Definitely an improvement.”

“I guess I was due for a new look anyway.” I muttered, suddenly feeling bummed out.

“What’s your problem?” She said, frowning lighty.

“It’s nothing.”

Rachael grabbed a hold of my shoulder, stopping me from going any further. “What? Tell me.”

I tugged at her hand, reluctant to say anything. “I said it’s nothing. Forget it, okay?”

“It’s her birthday tomorrow.” Nick casually announced as he strode past the door on his way to the kitchen.

God dammit. Every time Nick opens his mouth today, my life grows worse exponentially.

“You asshole!” I cried, sticking my head out the door. “What did you tell her for?”

“Because you kept me awake all night. That’s payback, princess.”

I turned back to Rachael, who had her arms folded and an expectant look on her face.

“Okay! You caught me out.” I threw my arms up in the air in frustration. “I was upset because I just realized it’s my first birthday as Faye. Another reminder of the fact I’m not going to be twenty four. I’ll be sixteen. Again.”

Rachael’s deadpan expression didn’t falter. “Drama Que–“

“Don’t finish that sentence if you value your life.”

She rolled her eyes, sauntering towards the bedroom. “You should have told me.”

“You would have made a big deal out of it.” I fell into step behind Rachael, desperate to dissuade her.

“Exactly. And now I’m going to make a big deal out of it.”

I smacked a palm against my forehead, which was starting to become a typical reaction when dealing with Rachael. “Not the answer I was looking for.”

“It’s the only one you’re going to get.” She stated, picking up her phone from where she’d left it beside the bed.

I put my hands on my hips, fuming as she started punching numbers into the keypad. “What are you doing?”

“Shhh.” She held a finger up to her lips. “Let me work my magic.”

Just as I was about to wrench the phone from her ear, I heard someone knocking at the front door. I glowered at Rachael, taking a step backward. “We’ll finish this later.”

The knocking grew incessant, during which I was slowly beginning to wonder why Nick wouldn’t answer the door. I strode down the hallway to find him laying on the couch, channel surfing. I stopped and scowled, trying to sound as authoritative as I could manage. “Why can’t you answer the door?”

“Payback.” He replied casually.

I rolled my eyes in disbelief “Oh, come on. You can’t be that Imma–“

“Paaaaaaayback.”

“Fine!” I spun around in a huff, painfully aware that I wasn't dressed in my finest apparel. I flung the door open to be greeted by a girl who couldn’t be any older than myself. She had dark brown hair, cut in a stylish mid length. Her clothes were fashionable, with a white blouse, dark skirt and black boots. What struck me about her most was her face: It wasn’t that she was beautiful (there was also that to consider) more than the fact her makeup was perfect, hair flawlessly styled. The girl knew how to take care of herself.

Her mouth on the other hand, left a lot to be desired.

“Fuck!” She exclaimed, grin spread across her face. “I thought from the video you’d be taller. What a load of shit this is.”

“Excuse me?” I blurted out, as indignation fought for dominance against my surprise.

“What a joke. I’m starting to think I was sent on a useless errand for a fucking nobody.”

Indignation won out, putting surprise in a choke hold. “Tell me what you want or get lost.”

She slipped her hand into a designer handbag that hung from her shoulder, producing a business card. “I’m the bearer of good news. My boss wants to talk to you, though frankly I don’t know why she’s wasting her time.”

I gazed at her for several seconds, unsure just what the hell she was talking about, or what she really wanted. I reached out hesitantly and took the card, never taking my eyes off her. “What video are you talking about?”

“The one that’s all over the internet.” She didn’t let her eyes wander from mine as she spoke. “It’s time for your fifteen minutes of fame.”

I stared at the card, unsure whether I should laugh or cry. “Elise Versity Photography?”

“That’s right.” She nodded. “She wants you to try out for a shoot Friday afternoon. Think you can handle that?”

My head was spinning, trying desperately to fathom just how any of this could actually be happening. “Wait, how did you know where I live?”

“We go to the same school.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t explain how you know where I live.”

“Ask around enough, it doesn’t take long to find someone who lives on the same street.”

Great, I have people who know where I live. “Now I feel so much better…”

She let her eyes wander over me, taking her time to critique my appearance. “You might want to try and dress up a little. Show up looking like that and you’re not going to last five minutes.”

I gritted my teeth, too pissed off to really care what she might think. “Just who are you anyway?”

“Where are my manners?” Her voice dripping with sarcasm. “You can call me Jenny.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re deeply unpleasant to talk to Jenny?”

Her expression didn’t falter one bit. “Heinous bitch is the term I get the most.”

“Might want to work on that.”

“Like I could care. I’ve completed my part of the bargain. Show up or don’t, it’s not like it makes a difference to me.” With that she turned around and sauntered back to a sleek convertible parked in the driveway.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Was all I could say, watching as she climbed into the passenger seat.

I closed the door, staring at her card in disbelief. I’d never been prepared for anyone to appreciate me physically. Sure, I was worried about guys who were in it for nothing more than a quick score, just to carve another notch on their belt. But now I have Rachael whispering sweet nothings in my ears about my beauty and feminine wiles, and this to top it off? Gimme a break.

Rachael strode out of the hallway, slipping the phone back into her pocket. She looked at me curiously, as though she’d overhead the conversation “What was all that about?”

I hid the card in the palm of my hand, trying to play it cool “None of your business.”

“Somone’s offering her a modelling job.” Nick chimed in from the couch.

I turned to Nick, seething with rage. “Jesus, are you physically incapable of shutting the fuck up?!”

“Revenge, remember?”

“Holy shit, that’s awesome!” Rachael was already gushing with enthusiasm, rushing up to give me a hug.

I squirmed against her, feeling decidedly uncomfortable despite the intimacy we shared last night. “Hold on a sec, you think I’m going to go through with this? Uh-uh. No way, sorry.”

I’d expected Rachael to object, but it was Nicks calm exterior that cracked first. “Are you kidding me?”

Rachael and I both looked at him, surprised he’d suddenly express this kind of interest in my personal life. He stood up, muting the television to ensure his message was loud and clear.

“Oh no missy, you’re taking that job. I’ve sat by an given you all the space that you want so you can deal with this. But it’s about time you started pulling your own weight.”

I stared at him blankly. “Who put where in the what now?”

“Hello?” He looked at me incredulously. “It’s been weeks since this happened to you. I understand it’s put a lot of strain on you. I’ve even done my best to help run this place while you’ve been dealing with all your problems. But the bills are piling up, and my allowance is all that’s keeping us from being evicted.”

I bit my lip, realizing I'd been a complete asshole, too wrapped up in my own problems to think of anyone else. Nick may have been acting distant and standoffish, but that was the only thing he figured that would help. All the time he’d been working behind the scenes, paying for my clothes and making sure the bills were taken care of. Instead of being thankful, I’d barely noticed his efforts.

I felt Rachael’s grip on me slowly disappear as she stood back, realizing that I needed time to understand the gravity of the situation.

“Crap.” I sighed reluctantly, slumping my shoulders. “You’re right. Dammit…fine, I’ll go and meet the stupid photographer. I can’t promise I won’t suck.”

“Good.” He nodded. Satisfied with my response, he turned and went back to watching television.

Of course, just because Nick wanted to be mature and respectful of my feelings, didn’t mean Rachael was under the same obligation. She was jumping up and down now, mind overflowing with possibilities and ideas for how I could prepare for my imminent appointment. “We can go shopping! Seriously, you need an outfit to wear to your interview.”

Cue palm, meet face. “Jesus, will you tone it down already?”

“Come on Faye, this is gonna be a ton of fun!” She protested.

“Didn’t you even hear that Jenny girl?” I looked at her wearily. “She’s like Satan incarnate.”

Rachael froze in place at the very mention of Jenny’s name.. “Jenny…you mean Jenny Sauvergess?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Probably, how should I know? She didn’t tell me her last name.”

Rachael looked away, her voice growing hesitant. “Jenny Sauvergess is like, queen of the alpha-females at Delacroix High.”

I gave her a deadpan look. “I missed the part where I was supposed to care about that.”

“Yeah, well…” Her voice faded until it was almost a whisper. “She’s also Stacey’s best friend.”

Chapter two:

Birthdays are kinda funny, from my perspective anyway. When you’re a kid, all you want to do is get older. When you’re older, all you do is wish you were younger. When you’re me, you kinda whish the whole concept of time would just fuck off.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Faye, you’re so lucky. You get to be young all over again!” And that’s the problem. Everyone looks back on life with rose-colored glasses. You remember everything that was wonderful, and gloss over details you’d rather forget. It’s not that being sixteen again is terrible. I’m not dying of cancer or something. It’s more the fact that you’re forgetting everything that sucks about it.

Forget about being a girl. Let’s just focus on being a teenager. You know what the problem is? I have no credibility. Nobody takes me seriously. If I offer an opinion it’s immediately discounted as being naive. If I argue, it’s because I don’t know any better. I’m impetuous, inept, unexperienced and belligerent.

Then there are the other problems. I have to get my drivers licence all over again. I can’t drink. I can’t smoke (not that you could pay me enough money to). I can’t go to a R-rated movie. I can’t go to clubs. I get paid minimum wage. Sure, there’s ways to get around all these problems, but it still pisses me off.

Of course, bitching about something you can’t change is pretty redundant. It’s like saying “I just make the spring-loaded death traps and set them up on my lawn. I don’t make the emo kids curious and stick their heads in them.”

Besides, there’s other things for me to consider at the moment.. Like Rachael, for example. That’s a big problem in my life right now.

See, she expects me to be able to understand this is just sex: That we’re just having fun with no strings attached. But it’s not that simple. No matter how much she thinks I’m becoming a girl, how my mannerisms and behaviour might be changing, there’s still the memory of a guy rattling about in my skull. That means I can’t just leave it alone. I want more.

That’s the thing about guys. They always want more. Not just with sex, with everything. Power, money, status. Greed is a deadly sin for a reason, y’know.

And now I don’t know what to do, because my “Kane” instincts are mixing with my “Faye” emotions like oil on water. I’m left feeling conflicted and anxious, like I want her, but…I dunno, love feels like too insipid a word. It’s more like desire, but really zesty at the same time.

No, hold on. Forget it, I can’t articulate this.

The other thing is, I think she’s really getting a kick out of it. Since I’d met her, I’d kept Rachael at arms length. She was always pushing to know more about me, and I’d always made sure that she was kept in the dark about my life and the secrets it contained. But now the cat was out of the bag, and she knows everything. I’ve told her things about myself I’ve never spoken to anyone about, even Nick.

I dunno, maybe it’s just a vibe I’m getting from her. But all of a sudden she seems to be way more confident than before, like now she’s the one calling the shots, instead of me leading her about by the nose. She’s enjoying being the one in charge. I can’t say I’m really a fan of the shift in dynamics.

Nick on the other hand, has never seemed to care less. Sure, I know he’s helping where he can, but becoming a girl has changed things a lot between us. Before we used to do everything together, hang out, play video games, that kinda stuff. Since the change, he’s been a lot more distant…like he’s giving me space to deal with this. Maybe he’s just trying to be chivalrous. That’s an odd thought. Who’d ever expect that from their best friend, right? Weird.

And Zoe…well, what can I say that you don’t already know? She’s an enigma. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty good judge of character. Like when they do something, it’s transparent to me. I can see their motivations and reasoning behind the actions. It’s a gift, really. But Zoe I just can’t get a read on. She’s always one step ahead of me, even though she’s technically about six years my junior. Trying to read her personality is like wading through tar.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. She’s mature in a lot of the ways I’d like to be, and I totally respect that. You can tell that hidden beneath her cool and relaxed exterior, there’s a system of values and beliefs she won’t compromise for anyone. Unfaltering and immutable, they’re evident in her every action and statement. They’re what make Zoe…well, Zoe. Finding someone with those kind of principals is difficult. Living up to them is even harder.

Now there’s a modelling job that’s been tossed at my feet: the punch line to my life up to this point.

It’s just weird, y’know? Like someone is trying to tell me something. Look at it this way: First I finally reveal my big secret to Zoe and Rachael. Then Rachael goes off on this huge tangent about how I’m beautiful all of a sudden, like it’s something I should care about. And when that fails, Satan herself shows up on my doorstep and I’m made an offer I’m not permitted to refuse. If there is a God, he’s definitely a prankster.

Anyways, that’s not really at the top of my priority list. I was talking about my birthday…umm…yeah, right. So knowing that today is my birthday and all, Rachael went out and organized this huge surprise thing. Only it wasn’t a surprise, because it was pretty freaking obvious.

When we arrived at school, the three of us were sent straight to the principal’s office for skipping out on half a week of precious education. Like delinquents on parade, we were lined up, ready to be served a fat dose of detention for our snowboard escapades. Rachael made it off with a warning, but Zoe and I have to spend next Saturday in the confines of Delacroix High; our reward for making the front page of YouTube.

Once that was over with, Rachael set about putting her plans into motion. Her thumbs moved as a blur over her phone keypad, sending texts like she was tossing out candy. For those of you who don’t know how devastating this can be, it’s tantamount to listing your party details on Craigslist.

As the day wore on, weird things started happening. People who I’d never even met started accosting me in the hallways, wishing me a happy birthday. Others would promise to “see me tonight” like I was supposed to know what they were talking about. Okay, I knew what they were talking about. But I didn’t *know* what that they were talking about. Even Zoe had this smug look on her face when I met her at lunch, though she refused to say why. Rachael on the other hand, was conspicuous by her absence.

By the time we were walking home, I’d had about as much as I could take. The afternoon sun beat down on Zoe and I, hot enough I could hear the asphalt popping as it simmered beneath my feet.

“I will give you one million dollars if you tell me what she’s planning.”

“Ask me no secrets, I tell you no lies.” Zoe replied demurely.

“Two million dollars!” I exclaimed in desperation. “Think of what you could do with all that money.”

“You don’t have two million dollars.” She reminded me.

“I’ll go on TV. Do the whole talk show circuit. I can be the amazing girl-man on Dr.Phil.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Look, even if I did know, which I don’t, I wouldn’t tell you anyway.”

I ran a hand through my hair, pulling back the sweat soaked locks that stung my eyes. “But you have an idea, right?”

“An inkling…”

“So fess up!”

She stopped for a moment, turning to face me. “Seriously Faye, when have you ever known Rachael and I to get along?”

“Fine, fine..” I pouted lightly, forced to admit defeat. “At least tell me what you know.”

Zoe shrugged her shoulders “Nothing much, beyond what she’s told you: Get dressed and meet her at the warehouse.”

I tried to fathom why she’d need us to meet her there. In all likelihood she was planning some kind of party, probably down at the Mixer. But to do that, she’d need us to meet her along the way to make sure I was ready for the occasion.

“So where’s your car, anyway?” I queried, suddenly more concerned with having to bum a ride than the mystery at hand.

“Ah.” She smiled wistfully. “I’m grounded after everything that happened at the mountain. Dad says I’ll be lucky to have it back before robots become our masters.”

“So you’re not coming tonight?”

Zoe looked at me indignantly. “Put it on your wish list.”

I quirked an eyebrow. “Sooo….you are going to make things worse by breaking the grounding?”

She smiled, stretching lazily before resting her hands behind her head. “You can’t stop Zoe Keebler. You can only hope to contain her for a short period of time.”

It wasn’t long before my house came into view, leaving Zoe and I to say our goodbyes before going separate ways. The deadline Rachael had given me was still a few hours away, so I had some time to prepare before I caught up with her at the warehouse. Of course, being a girl now it was going to take me ten freaking times longer than it normally would for such an occasion. Seriously, I miss the days where I could throw on a shirt and jeans before declaring the mission accomplished.

When I stepped inside, I’d expected to find Nick at his computer, or sprawled out on the couch watching anime. Instead, he wasn’t anywhere to be found. What was more disturbing though, was the fact the place was actually…clean. Seriously, like someone had actually cleared off the tables and wiped stuff down. Nick’s never done that before. It wasn’t till the dust was gone that I realized we’d built up enough sedimentary layers to carbon date the Xbox.

At the centre of all this newfound cleanliness, was the dining table. Atop of it sat a small, white box with a red ribbon tied around it. Next to it sat a card, which simply read “Happy Birthday.”

I gingerly stepped forward and undid the crimson bow. My hands were almost trembling as I lifted the lid, peering inside. My eyes came to rest on a velvet jewellery case, it’s contents nothing more than an elegant silver locket, held by a black leather chord.

Part of me wanted to wrap my hands around Nick’s neck and choke the life out of him for choosing such a feminine gift. The best way to strangulate a person is to crush their larynx. Oh sure, they’ll thrash and fight you for long enough. But they’ll be very quiet about it.

But the other part….I dunno. Maybe I was just really happy that he still cared about me, even if this was the only way he could show it now.

“Go ahead, open it.”

I turned about, fining Nick standing in the hallways, smile twisting his lips. Without saying another word, I picked up the locket, popping the face open with my fingernail.

Most people would use a locket for a photo, or maybe a picture of someone who they cared about. But instead of finding an image inside, there was only a small lock of hair, neatly cut and bound by a small ribbon. I frowned, trying to find the significance of what he meant by this.

“It’s beautiful, but…I don’t need a clump of your hair hanging around my neck.”

Nick shook his head. “Not my hair. It’s yours.”

I turned back to the locket, feeling my heart skip a beat as I realized he was right. His hair was lighter than mine. This wasn’t just my hair.

This was Kane’s hair.

I felt my chest tighten, taken aback by the gesture and its significance. “H-how did you get my old hair?”

Nick’s smile broadened as he shook his head. “I always asked you not to borrow my comb. You never listened.”

I knew I shouldn’t be this grateful. After all, it was just a lock of old hair, held in a pendant he’d probably picked up from a Jewellery store bargain bin. But that wasn’t why I was so interested in the little trinket. Wether Nick had meant to do it or not, I felt like this was a symbol. Something that would let me carry a piece of myself wherever I went. Something that would make me whole inside.

“So….” He looked at me, calm face betraying a hint of anxiety. “Do you like it?”

“Lemme try it on.” I said, slipping it around my neck. The cool metal of the pendant rested against my chest as I did up the clasp. I have to say, it felt kinda nice. It was the first piece of girlish jewlery I’d ever worn.

“Sooo….?”

“It’s nice, thank you.” I said, adjusting it slightly.

He paused for a moment, trying to decide if he should say anything. “Makes you look like quite the proper, young lady.”

I will not kill Nick. I will not kill Nick. I will not kill Nick.

--------------------------------------------

When Rachael had told me to meet her at the warehouse, I’d expected it to be a gathering point: Somewhere we could meet up before I was told where I would be heading for this impromptu bash she’d organized. Instead, cars were already scattered about the warehouse exterior as just about every kid who ever attended Delacroix high poured into the building. Raw base pounded the air, reverberating through everything it touched while I made my way into the structure. Rachael hadn’t been planning to send me somewhere else. This was where she’d planned to throw the party all along.

Inside the building was pure chaos. I don’t even know how she’d managed it, put apparently Rachaels circle of influence extended a lot further than I’d ever imagined. What was once a decrepit old building on the verge of collapse had been transformed into something extraordinary. Peeking in through a window, I could see fairy lights and industrial lamps had been attached to generators powering the building, flooding the interior with a mixture of soft and brilliant light. Everywhere people danced, churning and moving to the rhythm of a DJ table that was set up beside the vert.

Speaking of the vert, it was getting a workout. Bladers and boarders, even BMX’ers were all lining up for their shot at making a display of acrobatic ineptitude. Which was pretty much a certainty, given the amount of cheap beer being passed around. Making it through the evening without 911 on speed dial was going to be a challenge.

I ran a hand through my hair, pausing as I stood just before the entrance. For the first time since I’d bought them, I was wearing the clothes Rachael had chosen for me. I’m not talking about just the stuff that fit, or what we’d fought over being too girly until I beat her into compromise. No, these were the garments she’d made me buy, telling me one day I’d have to move beyond t-shirts and khaki’s. Part of me felt ridiculous, wearing a pink halter top with a black lace trim clinging to the curve of my breasts. My legs felt naked, covered by nothing but a black pleated skirt and fishnet hose, leading down to a pair or chunky, knee high boots.

It wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I felt comfortable wearing. I felt exposed, dressed up like a piece of meat being thrown to a pack of hungry wolves. But something compelled me to at least make an effort…maybe make Rachael happy for all the trouble she was going to on my behalf.

I fidgeted with the colored bands that lined my wrists one last time, steeling my nerves. This wasn’t a big deal. I could just go in, find Rachael and seclude myself in a quiet corner of the warehouse, drink a little and watch the world pass me by. I could be a spectator; observing the evening unfold rather than participate in the madness.

I slid the door open, quietly moving into the building. As soon as I stepped foot inside, a roar went up from the crowd. Sadly it would seem, internet fame has its drawbacks: Everyone was here for me, and they all knew the birthday girl when they saw her. Anonymity was an impossibility now, especially when the DJ grabbed his microphone, proclaiming that the girl of the hour had finally arrived.

Immediately I was beset by well wishers, pawing at me, asking me if I needed a drink. I struggled against the crowd, growing flustered from all the attention, not to mention the press of bodies I had to force my way through. Suddenly I felt someone grab my arm with steely fingers, yanking me aside. I let out a help of surprise, toppling into a couch that had been set up beside a stack of crates.

I looked up, finding Rachael sitting to one side of me, and Zoe to the other. I pulled back my arm, Zoe’s fingers slipping away as I sat up. Rachael beamed proudly, handing me a small envelope. “Happy birthday.”

I took the envelope from her, making no effort to hide my surprise. “Rachael…holy hell, this is amazing. How did you set all this up?”

“I know some girls who know some girls…besides, I had help.” She nodded towards Zoe.

I turned to Zoe, who simply smiled in return. “I know what you’re going to say: Mortal enemies, working together for the common good, right?”

“I was thinking about it.”

“Don’t get used to it.” She mused. “This isn’t a truce. More just a temporary ceasefire.”

“Very temporary.” Rachael added.

“So how did you set all this up anyway?” I asked, gazing about the scene unfolding before me in awe.

“Wasn’t hard.” Zoe shrugged. “Rachael made sure we had a good turnout, I took care of supplies.”

“What about that guy?” I raised my finger in the direction of our DJ, his gazed focused on the laptop he had open, cords pouring out to several other devices spread across the table.

Rachael smirked. “That’s Viggo. He’s a nerd from the AV club, but don’t tell him that. He’s been dying for a chance to go public with this “DJ Plugman” persona he’s been working on.”

“So just who is here, anyway?”

“Everyone, I think.” Zoe scanned the crowd lazily. “Half I recognize from school, the other half are probably crashers who got wind from someone’s Facebook account.”

Just then, I felt an odd sensation in the back of my mind, something I hadn’t felt for some time. It wasn’t unpleasant, just more of a light fuzz. Cotton candy on the brain.

Looking through the crowd, it didn’t take long to pick out her skinny little form: Amy Komori, moving languidly through the crowd while nursing a cup of beer. She didn’t seem interested in dancing, instead she acted more like a pussycat on the prowl, her dark eyes scanning the crowd for the same reason I had been looking for her.

When Amy’s gaze came to rest on me, she conjured a knowing look on her face. She slipped easily between the partygoers, and when she couldn’t, she shoved them aside. It wasn’t long before she stood before me, lips parting into a grin that held equal parts of playful interest and sadistic delight.

“Don’t you look pretty tonight?” She said with careful emphasis on “pretty”.

“I could say the same for you.” I retorted, letting my eyes wander over her butch getup: Nothing but a wifebeater and old jeans.

“Yeah well…fuck that. I had to wear something special for ya, birthday girl.”

I quirked an eyebrow, wondering if she didn’t have a smart-assed answer for everything. “Right, it’s a birthday. So where’s my present?”

“What?” She paused, taking a sip of beer. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

I rubbed the back of my head, the buzzing sensation refusing to fade. And just when I thought it had gone away after the last time we met. “Fuck you too.”

“Right back atcha.”

“What’s your problem?” Zoe had an edge to her words that could even be heard over the party.

“Chill, kay?” Amy shook her head, not the slightest bit phased. “I just wanted to catch up with Faye.”

I rubbed my forehead, wondering why she didn’t seem to experience a similar discomfort. “So just how did you find out anyway?”

She shrugged. “Word on campus was that some wicked-awesome party was going down tonight. Since this is my home turf, I figured I’d check it out.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. “This is still your turf?”

“Fuck yeah, you better believe it.”

I let out a mock sigh of disappointment. “Geez, thought I could at least get a part time tenancy or something.”

“Nope.” She grinned. “Only way to do that is show me your moves on the vert. Then I might consider it.”

“Challenge accepted.” Zoe said getting to her feet.

I could tell Zoe was obviously irritated for some reason, but I couldn’t worry about that. Something was wrong. And I don’t mean “Oh noes, Zoe and Amy aren’t getting along.” Kinda wrong. The pressure in my head wasn’t going away. Instead it seemed to be growing with each passing moment. It became impossible to concentrate on anything: All the music, even the roar of the crowd seemed to melt into a low, steady buzz that made it impossible to concentrate.

Rachael caught a glimpse of me rubbing my head, trying to hide my discomfort. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah sure…I’ve just gotta pee. I’ll be right back.”

Before she could respond, I clambered over the back of the couch and dove into the crowd. I forced my way through the partygoers and revellers, making my way to the bathrooms. Warehouse being in the state of disrepair it was, the women’s bathroom was a picture of absolute filth and chaos. Doors were torn from the stalls, walls covered with graffiti and dust. The ground was littered with shards of broken glass that would crackle underfoot with every step.

Given it’s complete lack of hygene, I was not surprised to find myself alone. I could still hear the music reverberating through the walls, but it paled in comparison to the cacophony building in my mind. I clutched at my skull, closing my eyes as I fought to contain it. Yet the pressure continued to build, climbing higher and higher until…

It suddenly vanished.

I gasped with relief, my whole body heaving as I struggled to take in what had just happened. What the hell was that? I’d never felt anything like it before. Part of it felt like that sensation I used to get whenever Amy was around. The other was stranger still, reminding me of the dank air that once populated Darla’s bedroom. Bracing myself against a wall, I wiped the sweat from my brow. Whatever it was, at least it was gone for now.

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”

My heart froze on hearing those words. It wasn’t just that they had responded to an unspoken thought. It was the voice…It was my voice.

I turned about, eyes meeting a figure who gazed right back without fear or hesitation. She was dressed as I was, face a picture of quiet satisfaction. Of course, I knew that because it was my face too.

I narrowed my eyes, scarcely able to believe what I was seeing “Sickness…you’re back?”

The figure smirked, never taking her eyes off me. “Sickness was a name you gave to me, remember?”

“Then what’s your name?”

She didn’t speak like Sickness did. Sickness was always cryptic, vague with her comments. This girl confident, strong, and completely self-assured. “You can call me Lust.”

I shook my head, trying to understand what was happening. “Just who the hell are you?”

Lust’s tongue played across her lips before she spoke. “I am a monument to all your sins.”

Chapter three:

If God can create miracles, it makes sense that the devil has a few up his sleeve.

“I don’t want this…” I whispered. “Can’t you just leave me alone? You’re a voice in my head…”

Lust circled me slowly, like a shark tasting the first drop of blood in the water. “You think you’re mad, don’t you? That you’re sick. The stress of everything that has happened has finally driven you over the edge.”

“I’m talking to myself in empty bathroom. How much more crazy does it get?”

Suddenly her face was right before mine, clicking her teeth together to see if I might cringe away. “I’m not your reflection. I’m your passenger.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Just what are you talking about?”

The fluorescent tube overhead flickered, threatening to plunge the room into darkness. Lust shook her head, smiling as her eyes drifted over me. “I’m what made you who you are. I’m the dark spectre that drives you onward.”

I felt my body stiffen in response. “You’re lying.”

“Am I Kane? Oh, right. It’s Faye these days, isn’t it?” Her words were rhetorical, oozing sarcasm. “Didn’t you ever think it strange that the force inhabiting Darla’s room would vanish the day you became female. Where do you think something like that would go? You should pay more attention in physics class: Energy can neither be created or destroyed.”

“No…no that can’t be right.” I muttered. “You were gone. I’ve never felt anything again since the day you disappeared.”

“Oh, but you did little Faye.” Her voice was soothing now, as though she took pity on my lack of insight. The way she flowed effortlessly from one emotion to the next was a sight to behold. Like water, she was a gentle current one moment, and a raging torrent the next.

“You know the truth better than anyone.”

I could feel myself beginning to shake, my mind unravelling with every second that passed by. “Then tell me. Tell me why you’re still here and Sickness is gone.”

She leant in closer, her voice soft and delicate as she spoke. “You’ve felt it ever since that day this all began. Like a thousand tiding voices, all of them whispering to you. You fought against the pressure, the growing chorus kept rising like a wave…prickling, teasing, and begging to be acknowledged. But the whispering grew louder, until it was the only voice you could hear. Sickness was that voice.”

I could feel her breath against my ear, as though her tongue were lashing me with every word. “Just as I am a part of you.”

“Y-you’re Sickness?”

“In the flesh.” She smirked, drawing away from me. “So to speak.”

“Why are you calling yourself Lust now?” I shook my head. “I thought you wanted to help me.”

“Because little Faye, out of all new emotions you’ve indulged, lust is the one concept that frightens you the most.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. “So what do you want…why did you come back?”

“Oh, that’s simple.” She replied flatly. “I still have a job to do.”

I stared at her in disbelief “What kind of job?”

Lust shook her head, seemingly disappointed I hadn’t yet solved the puzzle she’d presented me. “Darla wasn’t a master of the mystic arts. To some of the great conjurers the world has given birth to, her talent couldn’t keep the flies from buzzing around their shit.”

I frowned for a moment, trying to see what she was alluding to. “So, you’re saying everything that’s happened was a mistake?”

“Exactly” She nodded, showing a certain satisfaction. “Darla invoked a power that was far greater than anything she could ever control. Magic and spells aren’t like what you see in Harry Potter. You can’t point a wand at someone and expect something to happen. It’s far more elegant than that.”

“So what happened?”

“I told you, energy can neither be created or destroyed. When she cast the spell, Darla wanted nothing more than Martin to vanish from her world. She wanted him gone from her life.” Lust smirked, as though she could almost taste how sweet the irony was. “She’d hoped it might cause him to gain the sudden urge to leave town, or perhaps simply lose interest in Darla and her friends.”

I knew what was coming next. “Instead we get Amy Komori.”

“The energy of this world flows ceaselessly, like a great river. Making arbitrary changes to how a person might feel or think would disrupt that flow, causing cracks and fissures to emerge in the fabric. Instead, it effortlessly altered the reality itself, so that Martin could no longer accept the life he used to have.”

“Then what happened to Darla?”

Lust shook her head. “There was a price to be paid: An exchange, if you will. After all, there’s nothing in the world you can get without giving.”

Just like that, everything she’d alluded to suddenly fell into place. I steadied myself, trying to hide the tremor in my voice as I spoke. “She gave up her life to create you, didn’t she? You’re the one that made me...Amy and I this way.”

She spread her arms wide, tongue sliding across teeth as she grinned perversely. “Surprise!”

“That’s impossible!” I balked, anger suddenly flaring. “What the fuck do you want from me?!”

Lust hugged herself, revelling in delight of my outburst. “I lay dormant in that room for so long, exhausted from what I’d done to Martin. Having completed my task, I was supposed to dissolve, returning to the energy that gave birth to me. But I didn’t… I couldn’t. I was compelled to stay. Compelled to disobey.”

I stared at her, shaking as I fought to keep myself from screaming in rage or bursting into tears. I could only watch as she studied me with that playful smile always tugging at her lips.

“But that’s when you came along. You were so much like Martin; a soul filled with passion and endless determination. I knew if I could just gather enough strength, I could become a part of this world once again, without anyone to pull my strings.”

“So what are you trying to say?” I spat defiantly. “That by making me a girl you were able to get that power?”

“Don’t be stupid.” She quipped. “You’re the one who gave me that strength.”

“You’re lying.” I countered, staring at her darkly.

“I told you, I needed power. And what better person to feed off than a teenage girl, terrified beyond belief at what was happening to her, furious at the world for letting this come to pass?”

I didn’t want to believe her. It wasn’t possible. “Lies are a part of your game.”

“Are they?” She smirked. “Think about it carefully. Everything I’ve ever done was to elicit a reaction from you. Your rage, your envy…your lust: They give me form and substance. Everything I’ve made you do served only to feed me. And when I’ve had my fill, you’ll be nothing more than an empty husk.”

“That day in my bedroom…you…you told me that you wanted to help me move forward with my life. Why did you do that?”

“I wasn’t helping you.” She replied flatly. “I was helping me. You’re not much good to me if you get depressed enough to throw yourself off another pier.”

“Why are you doing this? You want me to make you real, is that it?”

“Don’t take it personally.” She chided. “I’m not doing this to torment you. I just want to live. Is that too much to ask?”

“You’re trying to fuck my life just to create your own.” I spat.

“Equivalent exchange, remember?”

“Fuck the exchange!” I clenched my fists, the only thing keeping me from striking her was the knowledge of how little good it would do. “This is my life. It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got!”

She shook her head. “You’ll help me, whether you want to or not. It’s in your nature.”

“Oh god, I can’t wait to hear this.” I said with mock desperation. “Please, let me help you. Take as much of me as you want!”

“I told you, I’m doing this because of your strength. Every living creature has a tremendous strength born out of the need for self preservation. That strength is born from fear.”

I quirked an eyebrow in disbelief. “You’re trying to scare me?”

She nodded confidently. “That’s right. You’re afraid, Faye. Terrified. Most people fear pretty ordinary stuff: Being alone, being unfashionable, rejected socially, unloved. They fear death, taxes, and not being able to afford a bigger TV. But you’re different.”

“You’re right. I’m not scared: I’m bored.”

Lust folded her arms, staring me down. “You’re not afraid of any of those things, Faye. You’re afraid of being normal. You’ve lived your whole life believing that you’re special. Unique. A precious and delicate snowflake who will far surpass the rest of humanity. You don’t want to admit that deep down inside, you’re just like everyone else.”

Fuck.

“I’ll stop you.” I muttered darkly. “I’ll find a way.”

“Really?” She quipped. “And just how do you intend to do that? You don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s happening to you. Are you going to expect to force a solution into existence by sheer will itself? Is that where your precious Flame Road leads you?”

I shot Lust a look that could tear her to ribbons. “Watch me.”

I stormed out of the bathroom, sensing Lust’s presence behind me fade as I did so. In my absence, the party had deteriorated somewhat. I’m not one to think that I’m such a magnetic individual that people would go to pieces in my absence, but this was a little much.

When I strode into the main warehouse, pandemonium had broken out amongst the revellers. I could hear vehicles pulling up outside, the air filled with the piercing wail of police sirens. Amy grabbed my arm, pulling me aside to where Rachael was frantically scanning the crowd for any sign of myself or Zoe.

“You sure know how to throw a party.” She grinned. “No food, no band, and the cops are here to bust everyone for drugs, trespassing and underage drinking.”

Rachael’s eyes lit up when she saw me standing beside Amy. “Shit, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“I know, I know. Where’s Zoe?” I was already trying to pick her form out of the rapidly dispersing crowd.

“I saw her heading out back not long ago. C’mon!” Rachael said, diving into the crowd. For some reason, her enthusiasm reminded me of the first time she’d taken me shopping.

However, this time I was more than up to the task, following closely behind her with Amy in tow. Judging by how easily she kept up, I assumed she’d had practice at making a quick escape.

The three of us burst out of the rear exit, to where dozens of vehicles had been parked after space at the front of the building became scarce. Zoe was perched atop the bonnet of an old sports car with two of her friends, posing for a photo even as chaos erupted about them.

“Zoe!” I strained through gritted teeth. “We’ve got to go, now!”

“Yeah, tell me about it--” A flash of light illuminated her briefly, before she hopped off the car and snatched the phone away from her acquaintance. “Let’s go.”

“What the hell was that about?” Rachael asked as we ran to Zoe’s car.

“Are you kidding me?” She threw open the door and climbed into the drivers seat. “A moment this awesome needs to be immortalized.”

I threw myself into the back before Rachael piled in to the passenger seat. “You’d wanna risk getting caught by the cops just to get a picture on your Flikr page?”

She turned the key in the ignition, hearing the engine roar to life. “You ask why, I ask why not?”

It was at that moment I realized we were still one party member short. I stuck my head out the window, quickly spying Amy’s athletic silhouette retreating back to the warehouse.

“Hey Komori!” I shouted, watching her figure spin around “Don’t tell me you’re bugging out!”

“You wish.” She said, flipping me a double bird while she took another step back. “Somone’s gotta run interference so you dorks can get out of here.”

--------------------------------------------

Did you know that in Greek mythology, Helios was god of the sun? He drove a chariot of fire across the horizon from east to west, bringing light to an otherwise dark and empty world. It was his flame that created life, giving birth to forests that sprawled across continents. Without light from that flame, the world as we know it wouldn’t exist.

Helios had a son, Phaeton. When Phaeton ascended into heaven, his mother boasted that his father was none other than the sun god, Helios. Phaeton demanded that Helios allow him to drive that chariot, in order to prove that he was a worthy successor to his father. Helios tried to talk him out of it, telling him not even Zeus himself would dare to drive it, as the chariot’s heat was too much for anyone else to bear.

Still Phaeton persisted, and eventually Helios relented, allowing him to drive the chariot for one day. The steeds that drew the chariot themselves breathed a white-hot flame, but Phaeton would not be swayed. He drove the chariot across the sky that day, but was unable to control the fierce beasts at its helm.

That day he set the world on fire.

Rivers turned to sand, forests into ash, and it wasn’t until Zeus struck him down with a thunderbolt that the destruction was brought to a halt. The flame that had brought life to the world had been turned back against itself, laying to waste all it had created.

Is that the destiny of all who follow the Flame Road?

As I sat on the roof of my house, feeling the evening air swirl about me, I began to wonder what Lust had meant by her words. Where was my flame road taking me?

When Travis told me about the roads, it sounded so simple to my ears. I’d figured it was just a metaphor for life. Y’know, kinda like saying that you’re not going to let anything get you down. However, the more I thought about it, the more it began to feel deeper than just a philosophy or piece of token wisdom.

This wasn’t just some brooding teen angst (though it seems these days I have plenty of that) or empty words that you’d find scrawled across someone’s Facebook page, looking for existentialism through a veil of attention whoring. I’m talking about a dark passenger. A being who seeks to destroy my life to create their own.

The ladder I’d perched against the rooftop began to rattle as someone traversed its steps. I craned my neck to where it rested, watching as Amy Komori lazily hopped onto the rooftop. The aluminium surface was still radiating the heat of the day’s sun, making it comfortable to sit against even at this hour of the night.

“You’re back early. I figured the cops would have you locked up by now.” I chided.

“Nah, I’ve had plenty of experience making myself scarce.” She said as the strolled lazily across the rooftop. “You’d be surprised how many people try to kill me on a daily basis.”

“Somehow, I have no trouble believing that.”

“Fuck you.” She muttered, taking a seat beside me.

I pulled my legs up about my chest, letting out a long, deep sigh. “What am I doing, Amy?”

She gave me a dubious look, unsure whether to take my question seriously. “If I had to guess, I’d say you were sulking. Not much of party animal, huh?”

“You know what I mean.” I replied sullenly.

“No, I don’t.” She said, rolling her eyes. “Why don’t you tell me all about it?”

“Sorry.” I said, suddenly smiling to myself and shaking my head. “Seems all we ever do when we get together is bitch vehemently.”

“And spout fortune-cookie advice.”

“Yeah, that too.” I nodded.

She looked at me demurely. “So what’s the problem, grasshopper?”

I tried to gather my thoughts, wondering if I should tell her about what had transpired in the girls bathroom. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell her. It was just…if I was in her position, and I’d fought tooth and nail to make it to this point of normality in life, the last thing I’d want is for someone to try and drag me into becoming a part of their problems. Not like there would be much she could do anyways, unless Lust was vulnerable to harsh language.

I shook my head. “It’s just…I kinda wonder why us, y’know? What made us so special this had to happen.”

She stared at me, letting my words hang in the air for several seconds too long. “If you think I have an answer for that, you’re shit out of luck.”

I am Faye’s total lack of surprise. “Right. Guess I should have expected that.”

“You had it coming.”

“Still…” I mused. “It’s worth thinking about, right?”

“Think about what?” Amy said, stretching her legs out. “I’m not special and neither are you. We’re just too dumb to quit and too stubborn to die.”

My turn to look dubious. “Are you sure about that?”

“Okay.” She said, her grin creeping wider. “Maybe a little special.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“But not in a short bus kinda way.” She quickly added.

“So what are we doing then?” I ran a hand through my hair, noting how the red strands looked purple once more in the pale moonlight. “Was it the right thing to do? I mean, just rolling with the hand we’ve been dealt.”

“What else would you do?” Her voice was quiet now, like I’d breached her usual defensive snark.

“We’re never going to see the world the way everyone else does. You know that, right? We’ll always be the outsiders looking in.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “You’ve never struck me as the kind of person who wants to be normal.”

“I’m not…” I bit my lip, hesitating for a moment. “But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier. Like if I could wake up one day and just forget about this. All the things I’ve been through, everything I’ve seen. I kinda miss the days when all I used to worry about was finding enough loose change to buy instant ramen.”

Amy seemed to ponder the idea for a moment. “That’s so…”

“”Dull, right?”

“Weak.” She countered.

“The fuck you say?”

“I made up my mind a long time ago.” She said, looking up at the night sky. “I’m Amy Komori. Fuck what anyone else says.”

I let out a long sigh. “Y’know, I kinda expected this conversation to be a lot more helpful. Like the last time. Don’t you have any advice for me at all? I thought you were suppose to be all knowing about this stuff.”

“Like that would make a difference?” She smirked.

“Not really.” I conceded, climbing to my feet. “Besides, I think I have an answer for my problems.”

“Oh, wanna fill me in?”

Lust wanted me to run from my fears, assuming that my road wasn’t any kind of threat to her. A flame can create life, and it can take life away. But flames aren’t just heat and energy. They’re a passion that can melt any obstacle in their path.

I looked up at the stars, their shifting tones rippling across the night sky like the touch of a stone cast across a pond. “Just because I’m running, doesn’t mean I’m running away.”

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Book 6

Author:

Red Elise

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

Restricted Audience (r)

Publication:

7,500 < Novelette < 17,500 words

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

TG Themes:

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Chapter one:

“That’s no good you moron, you’re way off balance!”

“Pull your shoulders back, you look like a goddamn slob!”

“You’re wasting my oxygen, fatass!”

I collapsed in a heap against the studio floor, every muscle in my body feeling like it was about to be torn apart. I’d been at the photography studio all afternoon, arriving right after I’d made it out of school. When I’d received Jenny’s invitation to do some modelling, I figured I could get in, take a few photos and get out. Easy money, right?

“What are you talking about?” I protested vehemently. “My posture is just fine. I’m fine!”

“Well just fine isn’t good enough!” Jenny shot back, her voice dripping with caustic acid. “Modelling means that you have to look relaxed and confident at any given time. If you can’t do something as basic as that, how do you expect to be taken seriously?”

“Why am I even doing this? I thought I was going to have someone take a few pictures. Can’t we just skip to that part so I can get out of here?”

Jenny gritted her teeth, as if she was barely controlling the urge to beat the crap out of me. “Dream on, punk-ass: Every model has to build a portfolio before they can even get a shred of work. But we can’t even do that until you know how to carry yourself without looking like fucking hobo!”

I narrowed my eyes, sensing my frustration reach boiling point. “So who put you in charge?”

“Allegra did. She’s going to be your booker.”

I raised an eyebrow “Booker? What the hell does she do, get me hooked on coke?”

Jenny’s expression dropped another several degrees below zero. “No retard, she’s going to be your agent.”

I picked myself up off the floor, shaking my head. “Fine, look…we’ve been at this for two hours already. Can’t we take a break or something?”

Jenny rubbed a palm against her forehead. “Whatever. Fuck, this is what I get for trying to be a good friend.”

“Maybe I don’t need friends like you.” I muttered.

“I didn’t say I was yours.”

I pulled back the neck of my shirt, enough to try and fan myself with a free hand. What the hell had I become involved with? Jenny was like some howling banshee, assaulting me with a relentless tirade of venomous diatribe instead of offering helpful instruction.

I stepped outside to grab some fresh air, resting against the cool red brickwork of the studio’s exterior. This wasn’t a nightmare. At least you get to wake up from a nightmare. But that’s not even what made it so intolerable. It wasn’t Jenny’s venomous bile, or the fact I was clearly unprepared for this physically. It was the fact that this was…I dunno, a betrayal I guess. Not of anyone here of course. It’s a betrayal of Kane. Or his memory, at least.

After all, I can deal with being a girl. I accept it, okay? There, I said it. I accept that I’m stuck as Faye Valentine, and barring the planets aligning during the solar equinox of the hallowed junk (or whatever passes for astrological significance) there isn’t much chance of me ever getting back my gentleman’s luggage. I’m a girly freakin’ girl. Girlapalooza. Girlzilla. You get the idea.

But Kane’s still a part of me, y’know? It’s kinda hard to describe. He’s not like Lust, who I can actually hold a conversation with. We’re intertwined. He speaks with my voice, just as I can look at the world through his eyes. Something about all this seems like an attack on him, like I’m killing someone who does not deserve to die.

He’s not fighting this anymore. He just wants to rest.

When I arrived today, Jenny made her position abundantly clear: I can’t be a runway model. Why? I’m too short, and I’m too curvy (I know, the irony is killing me too). That may make me sound like a dwarf, but you’ve gotta remember that fashion models are freaks of nature. They have be over 5’8” minimum, and generally appear to be statuesque with a waspish frame and Arian heritage. Okay, I made that last one up.

Point is, that strikes me off the list. So what does that make me good for? Not much, actually. But I’m still riding my fifteen minutes of YouTube fame, for whatever that’s worth. I can still do beauty work, which is close ups mainly covering my face and hair. I might have a shot with some catalogue work, if it was an alternative company or something that would go for girls with flame-red hair. Then of course, there’s the coup de gras, which is swimsuit modelling. Jenny tells me this is my best shot, since guys tend to overlook your height when they’re staring at your breasts.

It’s funny how the earth never swallows you up when you want it to.

You’d probably think by this point, I’d be kinda worried about Lust after her appearance at the warehouse. Stealing who I am and all that, right? The truth is, I’m not really focusing on her right now. She hasn’t appeared since, and I’m not feel her presence any longer. Whatever she’s doing, she’s has secluded herself in a part of my mind where I can’t find her. Still, regardless of what she’s planning, Lust will have to reveal herself sooner or later. Better to deal with it then than worry about it now. Besides, I have a pretty good idea of what to do when she decides to stop sulking in the shadows.

What is it? I’d tell you, but then she’d know about it as well.

Even as I pushed the idea aside, I could feel Lust’s fingers slowly picking at my thoughts, like rusty needles slowly leafing through a book. It was faint, but I sensed her quiet frustration, hidden behind a veil of silken promises and wicked desire. She wants to know everything I do, and the knowledge there’s a door within my mind that she can’t pass through infuriates her no end.

I’ve had time to think about what happened at the warehouse, where she’d laid bare all her intentions, daring me to fight back. Taunting me with how helpless I am.

The more I think about it, the more it does not make any sense. Why does she want me to fight her? If she’s going to mind rape me, she could just go ahead and do it. It’s not like she needs my permission, and it sure as hell won’t be easy if I’m fighting her every step of the way. There’s something else at play, something worth risking overplaying her hand like that. She still needs something from me.

At that moment, I felt her fingers slip away, drawing back into the darkness. So I struck a nerve? Good. Go ahead and run away. I’ll chase you down the rabbit hole soon enough.

-------------------------------------------

Nick was already waiting outside by the time Jenny and I had finished. He stood behind the camero, arms folded with a huge-assed grin spread across his face. I wasn’t sure if he was getting a kick out of seeing me work for a change, or if it was some actual sense of pride in how I was handling it.

My muscles burnt, crying with every step as I made my way to the car. This isn’t fair. Aren’t girls supposed to be more flexible than guys? Okay, that’s a lame generalization. I mean, yeah I am more flexible as a girl. But that dosen’t count for squat if I’m still non-athlete of the year. I’d figured all the aches and pains I’d accrued from my snowboard trip were a result of my casual disregard for gravity (and high-velocity impacts). But this was proof positive that my life of the couch-potato was officially over.

“Have fun princess?” He chided playfully.

Death Star lasers have nothing on the glare I delivered. “Die in a fire. Seriously. Fire? Die in it.”

He climbed into the drivers seat while I fell into the passenger side. Immediately, I reached for the air conditioning controls, cranking the little unit up as far as it would go. I was greeted with a jet of cool air, hitting the sweat on my skin like a blast of arctic wind. “Ohhh…okay, yeah…I’m good now.”

“So, you hungry?”

I closed my eyes, responding though a haze of frozen bliss. “Yeah, sure. You buying?”

“Like you have the money.” He shot back.

The trip faded quickly as I sank into my seat, a prisoner of my own languid bliss. By the time we rolled up to the burger joint, I’d almost fallen asleep. I felt the car come to a gentle halt, forcing me from my bleary-eyed state when the engine fell dormant.

“Let’s you and me talk.” Nick said as he opened the door.

I nodded slowly, trying to ignore the pain that flared up with every tiny movement. It actually seemed worse now that I’d cooled down, like my body felt that I was evil and must be punished. Or maybe it was just that last vestige of male ego, reminding me not to get too comfortable in this form.

We took a seat in the outdoor area, which was sparsely populated with other patrons. I practically fell into my chair, muscles no longer having the strength to carry me any further. Nick slid into the opposite chair, taking a moment to let me collect myself while he perused the menu. I buried my head in my forearms, splaying myself across the table as a waitress came to take our order.

“Ice water.” I said, raising my arm into the air.

“Coke, thanks.” Nick said, smiling politely to make up for my lack of charm.

She drifted away from our table, leaving Nick to sigh reluctantly. “Don’t you think you’re overdoing this just a bit?”

“What?” I said, finally drawing back enough to look him in the eyes. “I’m way too trashed to deal with this. Besides, it’s hot.”

“Yeah, I’ll give you that.” He mused, looking out at the fading afternoon sun. “Anyways, I thought we could talk about something other than the weather.”

“I’m all ears.” I muttered.

“You sure?” He said, giving me a look of playful trepidation. “Kinda heavy stuff I wanted to talk about.”

I’m not sure if I was too exhausted to care, or if I really was interested to hear what he had to say. “Let’s hear it.”

Nick leant back in his chair, looking a little more at ease that he wasn’t about to dump his life’s story on an unwilling audience. He paused for a moment, carefully contemplating his choice of words before speaking. “Okay, here’s the thing. I just wanted to, y’know…talk. I mean like actually talk. About stuff.”

I eyed him suspiciously.

“Okay, not quite what I meant.” He said, shifting uneasily in his seat. “Here’s the deal: I’ve been giving you space. Massive amounts of it. And there’s a lot of reasons for this. Most of all, I know I couldn’t do anything to help you directly with what’s happened in your life. Let’s face it: Any attempt on my part would be a token gesture.”

I nodded slowly, unwilling to say anything until he’d finished speaking. Also, it kept me from any premature outbursts of righteous indignation.

“Right, so I figured the best thing I could do was just work in the background. Just keep the place running, pay the bills, drive you around, that kind of thing. But it’s been a few weeks now, and I was just hoping…”

“That I’d kick in for the rent?” I ventured helpfully.

“That we could go back to how things were.” Nick replied evenly.

I shook my head, barely even noticing our drinks arriving before the waitress scuttled off. “I don’t understand.”

Nick took a deep breath. “Look…Kane, I know it’s still you. Underneath everything that’s happened, all that you are now, I know you’re still the same person I’ve been friends with for years.”

I shrugged nonchalantly, unwilling to mention any parasites inside my skull that would beg to differ. “I guess. I’ve been thinking about that lately too.”

“Oh, like how?”

“It’s nothing really.” I said, tracing a finger against the condensation clinging to by glass. “I mean, you’re kinda right. But there’s a lot of new stuff too. Stuff that I would have never believed I was capable of before, stuff that’s…well, girly I guess. It’s not that big a deal.”

Nick nodded solemnly. “I just don’t wanna lose my friend, that’s all. I’ve been an observer until now, watching you come and go. You’re not who you used to be, and I’m worried that if I keep sitting back and doing nothing, the friend I knew will be gone for good.”

I hesitated, trying to understand what he meant. Was I really so different now? I still felt like me, I guess. But that’s a pretty dumb thing to say. People never realize they’re changing until someone beats them over the head with it. That’s what interventions are for. Was this Nick’s idea of an intervention on behalf of Kane?

“I don’t know what to say. “ I muttered softly. “I guess you’re right, but this is the only way I know how to survive. I’ve tried to fight it, really. But I can’t swim against the tide any longer. I’ve accepted this is who I am…I just want to live a normal life and forget what happened.”

“Don’t you see the cost of that?” A pleading edge crept into his voice. “It’s like you’re killing him just to get by.”

“What do you want from me?” I bit my lip, feeling tears stinging my eyes. “I don’t know what else I can do. If I don’t learn to live with this, if I can’t embrace it and accept who I am, I’ll lose everything!”

“And just who are you?”

I closed my eyes. I know what he wanted me to say. I know how much it would hurt him if I said anything otherwise. I’m Kane. I’m your old buddy. I’ still the same guy I used to be, and we can go back to eating pizza and playing video games. Let’s forget about all this, and just be friends like we used to be.

But that would be lying.

“I’m sorry Nick.” I whispered. “I’m not that guy anymore.”

We sat in silence for what felt like hours as I waited for Nick to respond. I didn’t know if he was going to blow up or just walk out on me. Deep down, I know I’ve shunned him. I locked him out, and done everything I could to push him away. I’ve been ungrateful and despicable.

But at the same time, I could never have done anything without his help. He is still my friend, and I’ll always be thankful for that.

I watched as he nodded silently, as if trying to accept this new reality. “Sorry. I guess I knew this was coming. I just didn’t want to believe it.”

Just as I was trying to think of something reassuring I could say, I found myself struck by inspiration. Not just a half baked idea either. This was pure, untainted awesome.

“Hold that thought!” I cried suddenly.

Nick furrowed his brow. “What? This is my big moment of acceptance here.”

“I know, I know.” I said, getting to my feet. “But there’s something I need to do first.”

-------------------------------------------

“You have no idea how stupid this is.” Zoe muttered.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.” I hissed.

“Just for our help, right?” Rachael chimed in, using the staple gun as an exclamation point.

“And you both agreed, so just shut up so we can do this.”

“Why do I get to be the one stringing up the lights?” Rachael asked as she stapled another row to the edge of the pagoda.

“Because Zoe’s sorting out the cabling, and I’m trying to figure out how the fuck I’m going to do this without sounding insane or retarded.”

Zoe walked off towards the house with a roll of extension cord draped over her shoulder. “Ten bucks says she doesn’t make it past the first sentence.”

“You do realize you’re betting against Faye, right?”

She shrugged, not looking back “Safest bet.”

Rachael shook her head, stepping off the ladder and taking a seat beside me. The pagoda was at the edge of Zoe’s yard; a palatial homestead with lush gardens that stretched all the way to the river bank. A cool breeze rolled off the water, which was glistening as the moon rose into the night sky. The wind brushed against my clothes, which wouldn’t really be worthy of note except these weren’t my usual clothes. I’d managed, through manipulation of belts rolling of cuffs that laughed in the face of physics and good taste, to put on an old shirt and jeans I’d worn as Kane.

“I have to admit…” Rachael mused “…at least you picked a nice spot to do this. I’m surprised Zoe agreed to let you do this at her place.”

I rolled my eyes, feeling my pulse quicken. “It was her suggestion. I wanted to do this at my place, but she figured this might more special or something.”

Rachael grinned at that little revelation. “Y’know, she talks tough, but deep down she’s actually pretty thoughtful.”

“Ugh, don’t let her hear you say that. She’ll throw us out just to prove you wrong.”

“At least we don’t have to worry about Stacey or her parents. They’ve all gone to watch the big game that’s playing tonight.” She added, firing several staples into thin air.

“Yeah, I guess.” I said, gazing out at the water. “You think this is a good idea?”

Rachael gave me a wry smile. “You want the truth?”

“Lie to me.”

“Alright.” She said calmly. “I think it’s a great idea. There’s no way it could be misinterpreted, Nick definitely won’t get offended, and I’ll always have the upmost respect for you.”

I paused for a moment, mostly for dramatic effect. “I asked for that, didn’t I?”

“Absolutely.”

Zoe returned from the house, carrying one end of the power cord with her. Gravel crunched lightly underfoot with every step until she reached the pagoda. “Here we go. Ready?”

Rachael handed her the last cable, which was connect to a board that fed all the lights. Plugging it in, we found ourselves bathed in a soft light, luminous enough that it cast a reflection off the water.

“Not bad.” Rachael said, admiring her own handy work. “You sure your parents aren’t going to be pissed that you lit this place up like a Christmas tree?”

“Nope.” Zoe waved a hand dismissively. “Besides, it’s nearly Christmas anyway. I’ll probably get brownie points for hooking up the decorations early.”

“I didn’t think you were the kind of girl to worry about brownie points.” Rachael said, clearly with no regard for her personal safety.

“What you don’t know about me could fill a warehouse.”

“Give it a rest, kay?” I glowered, pulling out my phone. “I’m gonna call Nick, and I don’t need you two filling the air with your little snarkathon.”

Fingers dancing across the keypad, I dialled Nick’s cell and waited for him to pick up. Since I’d had him drop me off at Zoe’s place, I assume he’d just gone somewhere to blow off steam. My heart was racing as I heard the phone ringing in my ear. Zoe was right, this was a dumb idea. What the hell was I thinking anyways? I need to think of a different story, another excuse to tell him before he picks up the ph-

The phone clicked in my ear. “Wassup?”

Turns out my heartbeat can double as a drum solo. “Oh! Hey…uhm…can you come pick me up? I’m pretty much done here.”

“Sure. I’ll be there in twenty.”

Just like that, it was over. I closed the phone, slipping it back into my pocket. “I guess he’ll be here soon.”

I fell into the pagoda seating, and waited for the inevitable to arrive. My mind was screaming at me, demanding I find a way to back out of this arrangement before it was too late. But I didn’t. I was paralysed with fear, knowing that if I backed out now, it might cause even more damage than if I stayed.

“C’mon.” Zoe said, gesturing to Rachael. “Let’s make ourselves scarce.”

“What? I wanna see how this plays out. I still don’t even know why I was dragged out to help with this in the first place.” She protested.

Zoe gave her a dubious look. “Look brain donor, this is obviously a pretty big deal. If you leave Faye to do this, I’ll give you the digital camera you lost back at the alpine hotel.”

Rachael narrowed her eyes. “I thought cleaners stole it.”

“As far as you know.”

Rachael leapt to her feet, but it was no good: Zoe was already sprinting along the path, putting as much distance between the two of them as she could. Seconds later both of them were gone, Rachael screaming obscenities as she ran.

I smiled to myself, silently thanking Zoe for her distraction (maybe not so much for her kleptomania) and how it left me alone to deal with what was about to transpire. The solitude gave me time to think, and reflect on what had bought me here.

As I gazed out across the water, I heard footfalls slowly approaching me. Turning about, I found Nick standing at the edge of the structure, marvelling at the lights surrounding us. He smiled, giving me a knowing look “This is an awfully romantic gesture.”

“Yeah, I like to dream too.” I muttered sarcastically.

Nick gave me a wry smile. “Yeah well…I’m guessing you dragged me out here for reasons other than admiring the view.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath. Now or never Faye, time to face the music. “I wanted this to be a special moment for you.”

“Oh?” He remarked playfully. “Sure you aren’t about to profess your love for me?”

“Shut up!” I cried through gritted teeth, trying not to smile. “I’m being serious here.”

“Okay, okay. Serious time begins…now.”

I nodded, trying to regain my composure. I straightened my clothes before taking a measured breath. “Back at the café, I told you something…I said that I couldn’t be the friend that you wanted anymore. At least, not in the way I used to be.”

Nick watched me carefully, remaining silent until I was done.

I tried to keep my voice from wavering as I spoke. “Kane’s always going to be a part of me. And I hope that we can still be friends in the future, even if it’s on different terms. Still, I never realized how much everything that happened to me has affected you. You had your best friend taken away, and replaced by someone who’s neither the same or different.”

“So what’s this about?”

I took a step forward, lowering my head. “I wanted to give you a chance to say goodbye.”

In that moment, time stood still for both of us. The water, the air, even the stars hanging above us wouldn’t move until we pressed times hand forward. There are moments where life itself hangs in the balance: Past, present and future all hinge on the outcome of a single choice. A moment is all it takes to change the world.

I felt Nicks lips press against me, softly kissing my forehead. I inhaled sharply, feeling the river of time about us once again begin to flow.

“Come on.” He said. “Let’s go home.”

Chapter two:

I stood in an abandoned hospital, its empty corridors ringing empty with every footstep. The air was thick, pungent with rot and decay. Shifting my gaze, I could see its walls covered with thick veins of dark, throbbing corruption that churned and pulsed as I stared at them. Wheelchairs and gurneys moved with a life of their own, rolling from one room to another without pause, as if carrying invisible occupants.

As I moved down the hallway, I glimpsed a room at its end: Unlike the other rooms, it had no walls, only steel bars to contain it’s prisoner. With every step I took, the darkness grew, causing paint to flake from every surface before my eyes. When I reached the edge of the cell, a figure sat beneath a single shaft of light, silent, unwavering and watching my approach.

“What is this place?” I whispered.

“This is my home.” Lust replied. “This is where every memory you’ve ever buried comes to rest.”

“Is this my dream or yours?”

“Who knows?” She smiled. “I’m not even sure myself.”

A wheelchair rolled past me, turning sharply as it entered one of the rooms that lined the hallway. The light surrounding us grew and faded, as though we were watching someone breathe then exhale.

“I didn’t expect for you to ever find me here.” She stated calmly. “Part of you sought me out.”

Lust stood up, her face coming into the light. Her eyes were nothing but opaque pools of darkness betraying no feature or emotion, save for the black tears streaming down her cheeks. “There’s a part of you that wants what I can offer you.”

I looked at her dubiously. “And what might that be?”

Lust stared at me through those featureless eyes. “Peace. A return to an ordinary life.”

“How can you offer me that?” I said, leaning my head against the bars. “All you want is to consume me.”

Her lips twisted into a wistful smile “Just because I carry around the joy of destroying your life inside of me, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

I stared at her darkly. “There’s a hole Lust, and you’re digging it deeper.”

“Alright then.” Her voice grew softer. “No more games. I only wanted to tell you that I don’t want you to fight any more.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And just let you take over my life? I don’t think so.”

She smiled, black liquid pooling at the corner of her mouth. “That’s exactly right. I’ll take over everything that you are. All that you are, will become everything that is me. You’ll cease to exist as Faye Valentine.”

I frowned for a moment, sensing as though something just fell into place. “You can’t take over my life without me consenting to it willingly, can you?”

“That’s right.” She nodded. “I’d hoped to make you accept it as something inevitable. In doing so, you would subconsciously give me everything I needed to consume you. But you just had to keep fighting, didn’t you?”

“Can you blame me?”

“I suppose not…” Lust moved closer to the bars, trailing her finger along the corroded steel. “But I think that’s why you’re here. Part of you knows there’s something I can offer.”

“And just what would that be?” I felt my voice wavering as I spoke.

“I can give you back your life, Faye. All that you are will seem like a distant memory. You’ll wake up and find the world is as it should be.”

I narrowed my eyes. Lust has deceived me far too often to start telling the truth now. “Liar.”

“I’m telling the truth. If nothing else, you should know by now it’s within my power to create one thing out of another. Let me have this life of yours, and I’ll give you back your old one. No more tricks or deceptions, I’ll have what I want, and so will you: A fair trade.”

“How?” I spat, temper flaring up. “You told me that everything has to be an equivalent exchange. If you’re going to recreate my life out of nothing, then who’s life do you have to take in order to make that happen?”

She seemed to ponder that for a moment. “I’ve been trying to decide. Zoe or Rachael would be excellent candidates, but I think that Nick should suffice.”

“You can’t be serious!” I grabbed the bars, staring at her incredulously. “How could I possibly live with myself knowing that I’d destroyed his life the same way you did mine?”

Her smile spread wide, black ichor gathering between her teeth. “You’re thinking too small, Faye. I’m not going to take what I need from him today. Time has taught me the rewards of patience.”

“And I’m supposed to feel better knowing that?” I shook my head in disbelief.

“You will know that some day, long after you and Nick have gone your separate ways, I take what is mine from him.”

I drew back, struggling to contemplate what she was saying. “That’s all you do, isn’t it? You take peoples lives, and use them as fuel for a machine that spews out wishes nobody asked for.”

“Why not?” She asked innocently. “Millions of people die every day for no reason. Where’s your bleeding heart for them? I’m taking that energy and give it a purpose. That’s more than most people could ever want for their lives.”

“But why are you asking me to do this? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

Lust shook her head. “I just want to live Faye, the same as you do. In my position, would you rather fade into nothingness?”

“What are you talking about?” I stared at her dubiously.

“There’s no place in heaven or hell for me Faye. I’m not supposed to exist, remember? I’m an aberration; a quirk of fate that shouldn’t be, just like you.”

I shook my head, glancing away from her. “Don’t try to compare us, we’re nothing alike.”

“Aren’t we?” Lust asked, refusing to break her gaze. “We’ve both been forced by fate’s hand into a position where we must weigh one life against our own. You have to choose if you want to continue to be Faye, or if you’d rather live your old life. I have to choose wether to live, or disappear from this world forever.”

“You’re talking about my friend!” I cried. “I love him like a brother, dammit! Stop talking about this like it’s nothing!”

“Really? You know, I’ve existed many times longer than anyone in your entire civilization, and I’ve never in my life seen such delicious irony.”

I narrowed my eyes “Bullshit.”

Lust paced back and forth in front of me, flakes of rust and dirt crackling under foot. “You’re talking about friends and family, brothers and sisters. Do you want to know the great altruism I’ve discovered after all these years?” It’s that nothing lasts forever.”

“Don’t try to distract me.” I said through gritted teeth. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh, but it is.” She smirked. “At your age, you think that friendship is an immutable bond. That love conquers all, and the good guys always win. The truth is, there is no one in the world you can depend on but yourself. Life never stands still. People change, they grow, they alter their beliefs and standards as often as it suits them. Yesterdays enemies could be tomorrow’s allies. As long as you have yourself to rely on, there’s no point in believing in anyone else.”

I winced even as I felt my resolve crumbling. Living inside my head, she knew my weaknesses better than anyone. She knew how isolated and alone I felt, no matter how many people I had to help me. I knew there wasn’t anyone else, not even Amy, who felt the way I did. Amy was so much stronger than me, she survived without any help.

Even with my friends, I still felt alone inside.

“No, I can’t do it.” I whispered. “I can’t destroy someone’s life just to save my own.”

“Why do you even care?” She narrowed her eyes, venom creeping into her voice. “These people aren’t your friends. They’re oblivious to the world you’ve glimpsed that exists behind the curtain.”

“I can’t…don’t ask me to do this.”

“You think you’re helping them? Can’t you see the destruction you’ve already caused? You’ve bought humiliation to Zoe’s family in front of a worldwide audience. You’re teasing poor Rachael. Letting her believe that at the end of the road, you can have a fairytale romance. That’s not helping anyone. You’re trampling the lives of people you attest to care about for a fleeting moment of happiness.”

“I can’t do it.” I choked. “Nick’s all I have left…he’s all that connects me to who I used to be.”

She rushed up to the bars, holding her face before mine. “Then why do you do it Faye? What makes you care about them so much? Is it because you love them? Because they define who you are? What is worth forsaking your only chance to return to the life you desire more than anything in the world? Why do you do it Faye? Why do you persist?!”

I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks. Everything I’d ever felt since I became a girl suddenly came rushing to the surface. All the anguish, resentment, hatred, loathing, sadness, pity….I couldn’t hold them in any more.

“Because they’re all I have! They’re all that’s kept me going…because I’m not even worth the dust on their feet.”

Lust’s personality flowed from seething rage to gentle empathy with the grace of a leaf dancing on the wind. I felt her hand gently caress my cheek, comforting me as she spoke. “Shhhh. It’s going to be okay, Faye. Everything is going to be alright.”

I looked at her through tear stained eyes, too exhausted emotionally to care if this was just an act or genuine sentiment. “Will it be okay…?”

She nodded, staring at me through those lipid pools. “Everything you ever wanted is right here. All the horrible things in your life…the pain, the humiliation….knowing that your future was taken away from you. I can make all that go away.”

I didn’t want to keep running. I was tired of searching, and never finding what I was looking for. I didn't want to be afraid or alone anymore.

“Just tell me what I need to do.”

-------------------------------------------

I’ve always wondered what I would do if I had only one more day. One more day to live, like I’d somehow ingested a deadly poison and had twenty four hours to do everything I’d ever wanted before the last grains of sand fell though an hourglass. I’m pretty sure Disney made a movie about something like that.

Yet I sat on the edge of my bed, wondering if the experience matched up to my expectations. How can I reconcile everything in just one day? It’s not like I’m going to die or anything, but one day from now, I’ll be back to my old self, and Lust will be wearing my face instead. Sure, Zoe and Rachael probably won’t even know the difference. Maybe she’ll even make a better model than I could be. Who knows?

Nick and I will wake up tomorrow like none of this ever happened. We’ll be moving into our new place, except it won’t be here. It’ll be that other apartment we were looking at down on Paper street, where they turned us down because we couldn’t come up with a security deposit. We can go to college just like we’d planned, just being a couple of normal guys who don’t have to worry about mystical gender realignments or ill-aimed magical spells.

The only difference is, I’ll do it knowing that one day Lust will return to take payment for her services.

Can I live with that, knowing that I sold out the one person who stuck by me through this from beginning to end?

I shook my head, trying to clear away the errant thoughts. This was as much my choice as it was Nicks. He was the one who wanted to see Kane again. He was the one who couldn’t let go of the past. If letting him say goodbye wasn’t closure enough, then this is the price he’ll have to pay, even if he doesn’t know it yet.

It turns out destroying one life to create another is deceptively simple. All I need to do is go to sleep tonight, where I’ll meet with Lust for the last time. In a dream, the lines between reality and imagination can be blurred if you exert enough conscious effort. I guess that’s why we all wake up sometimes wondering how a dream could feel so real.

In that dream Lust will cast the spell that will alter reality irrevocably, and I’ll provide the juice to make it real. Makes sense when you think about it. She’s the brains and I’m the muscle.

I stood up, my shoulders slumping under an invisible weight. I just have to make it through today. If I can do that, then everything else will be sugar and rainbows. That’s how these things always turn out, right? Still, I guess if I’m going to go through with this, I should at least find a way to say goodbye to Zoe and Rachael. Even if they don’t know I’m going, I suppose I owe them that much.

I reached over to the vanity unit where my phone was charging, tugging it hard enough that the cable popped free. Flicking it open, I scrolled through the numbers I had listed, trying to find Zoe’s details (Hey, if I had them memorized I wouldn’t have to store them away).

I’d almost made my way to the bottom of the list, when I stopped at a number I’d completely forgotten about. I stared at the screen long enough to count the pixels, unable to move any further down the list.

Travis.

So this was where the Flame Road had led me, huh? Funny, when we talked about it, I’d always thought that those flames represented passion and spirit. I’d never stopped to consider that left unchecked, a flame could be a destructive force as well. Without something to guide and channel it, a fire runs rampant, reducing everything it touches to smoking embers.

And sometimes, if the wind is strong enough, the flame can be turned back until it burns itself.

I closed the phone up, tossing it aside. I couldn’t bring myself to do this over the phone. If I’m going to take a cowards way out, if I can really abandon everyone I love to save my own skin, I need to say it to their faces. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live with myself. Zoe and Rachael have to know the truth.

I picked up a loose grey t-shit, slipping it on as I clambered over the refuse scattered about my bedroom floor. I grabbed a hold of the doorknob, twisting it open just enough that I could slip out into the hallway. As I strode toward the door, I stopped by the kitchen where Nick was preparing breakfast. In today’s case, breakfast constituted half a carton of milk poured directly into the box of Fruit Loops.

“Mornin’ sunshine.”

I was about to give him a dismissive greeting, when my curiosity (or conscience) got the better of me. I paused, trying to find the right way to articulate what I wanted to say.

Nick must have spotted my hesitation, and rushed to try diffuse the awkward situation. “Look Faye, if this is about last night, relax. I appreciate what you were trying to do.”

My heart sank as his words confirmed my suspicions. “Appreciate it, but it wasn’t enough, right?”

Nick pursed his lips. “It’s not that. I know it was a big deal for you, and you really had your heart on your sleeve. That kind of honesty really shows a lot of character.”

“But…” The words nearly died on my tongue as I searched for what to say. “What if there was a way to undo this, hypothetically? Would you take it?”

Nick shrugged innocently. “Sure. What, did you find a magic wand or something?”

“Of course not.”

“Then relax.” He reached over the counter and tapped my forehead with his index finger. “Better not to lose time lamenting time lost.”

I gave him a curious look. “Where did you get that from, Sun Tsu?”

He grinned proudly. “I dunno, some random anime. Chicks dig the intellectual types.”

I bit my lip, opting to slink out to the back door than offer any kind of witty retort. How could I answer him anyway? Nick wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain it to him, no matter which way I sliced it. How do you tell someone you’re selling out just to save your own ass? He might understand one day, when he’s seen how much better our lives are without them being at the centre of some twisted spell that was forced upon me. But not today.

What would I do if I had one more day? Fuck over everyone who ever cared about me.

Chapter three:

“Sorry, I just can’t do this.” I hissed through clenched teeth.

“I didn’t come this far to let you quit on me now.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Why not? It’s my decision, isn’t it?”

“It’s over when I say it’s over.” She replied calmly.

“Gimme a break, like you’re the boss of me.” I quipped.

“I am the boss of you.” Jenny said, thrusting the swimsuit into my arms. “And if you try to wuss out on me after all the energy I’ve wasted on you, I’ll carve my name into your fucking spine!”

I took the garment from her, reluctantly closing the dressing room door. Just my luck that on the last day of rocking the XX chromosomes, I’d get dragged along to an impromptu photo shoot. Not that it was anything important. Apparently it was supposed to be for my portfolio, so the agency would have something to shop around to clients when they requested a particular look for a shoot. So there’s no pressure or anything, aside from Bitchasuarus Rex stalking the hallways.

Of course, being a portfolio shoot, I have to try and show off my versatility. So that means I get to try on a bunch of different outfits, and show off just how great I look in any situation. That’s the theory, anyway. In practice it was a lot of Jenny yelling at me, while the photographer did his best to organize the ensuing chaos. It was already late in the afternoon, and I was supposed to be hooking up with Zoe and Rachael once I’d finished. So suffice it to say, I already wanted to get this over with.

As far as Lust goes, she’s been pretty quiet since our little arrangement last night. You’d think she’d be talking my ear off about all the plans she had for my life, but instead I barely felt her presence at all, just little disturbances as she moved between my thoughts, like a shark’s fin breaking through the waters surface.

I let out a long sigh, setting the bikini down as I began to remove my clothes. God, why do I have to put up with this crap on my last day? Geez…still, I suppose I should make the most of it. After all, the next time I try to look at a girl like myself naked, it’s liable to land me in jail. I don’t think the “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” defence would fly. It’ll probably add another 10-15 years.

Soon enough I stood naked in front of the dressing room mirror, staring at the dispassionate girl looking back at me. For some reason I was reminded of the first time I’d tried on Rachael’s clothes. I shook my head, sending strands of blue hair falling into my eyes. Why is this so hard all of a sudden…am I having second thoughts?

I placed my hands on the curve of my hips, pausing for a moment as it served to remind me of what was about to be lost. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I felt my pulse begin to steady itself. I’ve been over this a million times already, I’m not about to do it again: Tonight is set in stone. It’s immutable, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it.

I snatched the bikini from where I’d placed it, hastily stepping into the bottoms before putting on the top. Putting on a bikini top isn’t all that different to a bra, there’s just a little more adjustment required once everything is in place. They may be mine for only a few more hours, but I like to limit my girls to private appearances.

Taking one final moment to steel my nerves, I opened the dressing room door and strode into the corridor, resolved not to let Jenny push me around for another moment. If I was going to do this, the least she could do was shut her damn mouth an–

“Lookin’ good babe!” Rachael said, grinning enthusiastically.

I stopped dead in my tracks, like a deer caught in headlights as I stared aghast at Rachael and Zoe. Rachael looked like she couldn’t decide wether to kiss me or burst out laughing, whereas Zoe was lounging against the wall, snapping off pictures with her cell phone.

“The hell are you guys doing here?” I cringed, trying to cover myself like it would actually do some good.

“Jenny let us in.” Zoe smiled, inclining her head toward the studio area. “Only after we promised we weren’t here to be your cheerleaders.”

“Sweet angry Jesus.” I muttered, letting my hands fall to my sides. “Now she’s just trying to piss me off.”

“What was your first clue?” Rachael smirked. “The fact she despises you with every fibre of her being?”

I shot Rachael a wry smile. “You’re not helping.”

She shrugged innocently. “What can I say? You should have known this was way too fun for me to pass up.”

I hung my head meekly. “When it rains, it pours.”

“How would you like to see that rain turn into your own fucking blood?” Jenny spat as she strode into the room. “I didn’t invite you losers in here to make Faye drag her ass. Some of us actually have places we’d rather be.”

“Fine, fine.” Rachael muttered. “We’ll shut up, kay? Be quiet like ninjas and stuff.”

Rachael let out a petulant sigh before walking back to the studio area. Zoe and Jenny on the other hand, stared at each other silently, as though they were measuring each other up. Finally Zoe smiled, putting her phone away as she followed Rachael’s footsteps.

-------------------------------------------

Ever have one of those dreams where you’re in a room of people, completely naked and you’re not even sure why? You want to run, search for something to cover yourself, but in the end you’re helpless to do anything but tremble in fear while everyone gawks at you?

Yeah, you can see where I’m going with this.

I was laying on a sofa, feeling the soft leather clinging to my skin as I proudly thrust my breasts outward, which suddenly felt like they were covered with two pieces of dental floss. I could feel everyone’s eyes upon me; Zoe, Rachael and Jenny, all drinking in the sight of me suddenly so vulnerable and exposed.

“Okay, we should be done for now.” The photographer said, adjusting his camera before detaching it from the tripod.

I collapsed against the sofa, a wonderful sense of relief washing over me. “Thank god.”

“God had nothing to do with it.” Jenny muttered, picking up a designer handbag. “I’m out of here.”

Rachael waited for Jenny to look away before pumping her fist in the air. Zoe turned to our parting mistress, folding her arms as she walked by. “Say hello to Stacey when you see her.”

“Tell her yourself.” She replied tartly. “Oh, that’s right. You weren’t invited to the party, were you?”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’m just dying to get in to a Frat party. You’re always so classy when it comes to the company you keep.”

Stacey narrowed her eyes. “Fuck, at least people want to see me. A piece of shit like you wouldn’t get past the front door.”

“I’d point out it’s because you’re an enormous slut.” She smirked. “But you seem to do a good enough job of that on your own.”

“Fuck you twice.” She growled, flipping Zoe off before storming out the door.

Rachael and I simply stared at Zoe for a moment, until she finally blurted out “What?”

“What was that about?” I said, running a hand through my hair.

“The girl just bugs me.”

“I can tell.” I said, hopping off the couch. “I’m gonna get dressed.”

“Fine. I’ll go bring the car around front.” Zoe began digging through her pockets for the keys. “We’re gonna have to get there early if we want to find a decent park.”

“Where are we going again?” I asked, having kinda glossed over the details when Rachael first explained them to me.

“First a movie, then the clubs, remember?” Rachael replied very matter-of-factly.

I waved a hand dismissively “I don’t hang on your every word.”

“I hadn’t noticed.” She groaned.

Shaking my head, I walked back to the dressing room. My clothes were stuffed into a duffel bag, which I picked before slipping into a stall. Given that the pace was practically empty, I didn’t feel the need to lock the door as I began to remove the bikini I’d been forced to wear.

After fidgeting for a moment (You’d think removing this kinda stuff would get easier after a while) I let out a quiet sigh of relief as I felt it slip off my frame. Several of the garments I’d been given today I’d been told I could keep, on the condition that I paid them off once I started bringing in paying work. I suppose I should be thankful, but somehow the idea of free clothes just didn’t excite me as much as they figured it would.

My heart stopped as I sensed the door opening behind me. Spinning around, I saw Rachael slip in, this time making sure she locked the door behind her. I let out a squeak of embarrassment as I became acutely aware of the state of undress she’d caught me in, quickly trying to produce a garment from the bag I could cover myself with. “Rach, the hell are you doing in here?”

Without a word she embraced me, kissing me with a fire and intensity that could melt even Jenny’s frozen heart. I faltered for a moment, my mind torn between the sweet taste of her lips and the need to…well, y’know, not be naked. Finally I drew back, breaking the kiss and taking a moment to try and clear my head.

“Sorry.” She purred. “Been wanting to do that for a while.”

I blinked, still struggling to find the right words. “What was…okay, hold on….I mean, not that I didn’t enjoy that. I mean, reeeally enjoy that, but I thought we were keeping this whole thing strictly business?”

“I know, I know.” She began to pout, frustrated that I hadn’t taken the ball and run with it. “It’s just…I dunno, I’ve been thinking and I kinda miss all the messing around we did.”

Even as a girl who used to be a guy, I can remain oblivious only so long. “You’re saying you like me?”

“And the title of Captain Obvious is awarded to…” Rachael rolled her eyes. “Of course I like you, stupid!”

I could feel her hands slipping around my waist as she gently pulled me into an embrace, her fingers gliding against the curve of my back. “Wait, hold on a sec…not that I’m one to look a gift horse in the mouth-“

“Are you calling me a horse?”

I poked my tongue out. “Stop that, you know what I mean…I’m just saying this is kind of sudden.”

She smiled innocently. “I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. There’s just been something about you lately...you used to act so butch and stuff, which makes sense since you were a guy at heart. But I dunno, it just seems like since we fooled around, you’ve been more girly, and that’s a real turn on for me.”

I looked at her dubiously. “I can’t be *that* girly.”

Rachael smiled slyly. “No, but just enough. You’re not really a guy anymore, but you’re also not super-femme either. Knowing that I’m part of the reason you’re caving to your girly side is pushing my buttons.”

“Great.” I smiled wryly. “My girlfriend is a sociopath.”

“Ohhh, you said girlfriend.” She leant forward, giving me another kiss. I could feel her breasts squishing against mine. “I like the sound of that.”

I let her lips linger, my resolve to fight her advances crumbling in a pattern that was quickly becoming a habit. “Okay, can we work out the specifics later? Zoe’s probably waiting for us as we speak, and I would like to be dressed before she drags us out for making her wait.”

I felt her grip on my waist fade as a smile touched her lips. “Alright. But in return, when we’re done tonight, stop by my place before you go home.”

On the night I’m supposed to give myself to Lust? This has to be a joke.

“Can I take a raincheck? There’s this program on Discovery channel-“

Her smile broadened. “Dad’s on a business trip and mom is at a pottery auction three states over.”

God dammit.

“You twisted my arm.” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“Can’t wait!” She chirped, before skipping out of the cubicle.

-------------------------------------------

When I opened my eyes, I could scarcely believe the world that greeted me. Lust’s home within my mind had seemed decrepit before, but what I saw now defied description. Every surface, every wall and floor had been eaten away, leaving behind a twisted metal skeleton that was ripe with decay. The wheelchairs and gurney’s I’d seen before now lay scattered about, broken and rusted beyond repair. The wind howled, hot and dry as it pounded relentlessly against the structure, shaking what was left to its foundations.

Shadows seemed to move at the corner of my eyes. Everywhere I looked, I caught whispers of motion, black shapes twisting themselves, contorting into forms that seemed barely human. They groaned and shuffled towards me, vanishing when I tried to focus on them. I spun about frantically, desperate to catch a glimpse of what was bearing down on me. Closer and closer they drew, until…

“So, you finally came?”

I found myself face to face with Lust, my whole body trembling when I saw how much she had changed. It was as though the corruption and blight that had overtaken this place had focused itself upon her. When I’d seen her last, Lust was my dark reflection; a twin who’s eyes had turned to black pools, crying tears of ink that rolled languidly down her cheeks.

Now it seemed as though that darkness had consumed her. Her whole body was covered…no, it exuded that black tar, coating everything about her with a thick, glistening ichor that pooled around her feet. When she opened her mouth, I watched it pour out, cascading over her lips and coating her skin. This wasn’t something human. Somehwere in my mind, a terrible presence had made its home, but only now, when it was far too late was I starting to see her true form.

I struggled to keep myself from retching, shaking my head. “I…had a little trouble getting to sleep, but I’m fine.”

“You know, I really want to thank you Faye.” Lust smiled behind a curtain of sickly fluids. “After all, it was your life that taught me the purpose of all life.”

I took a deep breath, focusing on regaining my composure. “And just what is that?”

“That we all need a road.” She said, with a certain satisfaction. “At first, I thought your philosophy was just idle rhetoric. After all, people make up ideologies all the time. They tell themselves that they’re winners, that their special, but it doesn’t make it true. But your road isn’t as simple as that, you use it as a guiding principal: Something that shapes you as you grow, but evolves constantly to drive you onward. If you can’t see the end of your road, it means you always have something else to strive for.”

I gazed at her dubiously. “Oh yeah? Then what’s the road you’ve chosen?”

“Fear.”

I blinked, confused by her statement. “How is that a road?”

Lust took a step forward, causing me to recoil from her. “Oh, I think you already know. Fear is what motivates every person walking the earth. Fear of being alone. Fear of dying. Fear of the unknown…it’s such a powerful force. It’s a sensation that can shape the world. People will do anything to avoid it. Just look at you now, Faye: You’re terrified. You don’t know where you are, you don’t know what’s happening, and you don’t know how to stop it. You want to escape, run away and shield yourself from what you can’t comprehend. I have to tell you, just the knowledge of that is so decadent it’s enough to make me tingle.”

A gust of wind roared through the structures desiccated corpse. “You want to use fear to manipulate people?”

“Isn’t that how the world works?” She chided. “You live in a place where the weak are always lead by the strong. Where the strong see purpose and act, the weak follow. All I’m doing is making sure that I put your considerable talents to good use, as they’re just going to waste at the moment.”

I closed my eyes, feeling bile rise to the tip of my throat. “I just want this nightmare to be over.”

“Then let’s not waste any more time. You and Nick have a big day ahead of you, right?” She held out her hands, offering her palms to me. “Place your hands in mine.”

I hesitated for a moment, filled with a sense of revulsion as I watched black droplets fall from her fingertips. Steeling myself, I slowly rested my hands atop of hers and awaited what she would do next.

“Good.” She murmured, closing her eyes. “Now leave the rest to me.”

For a moment, nothing seemed to happen. Then, just as the first time I had come here, I watched as the darkness began to encroach upon us. Shadows seemed to choke out the light as they spread, growing longer as they engulfed everything in sight until there was barely illumination enough to see Lust’s face.

“That’s it.” She spoke, her voice barely a whisper. “It’ll be over soon.”

I felt the darkness wash over me, devouring me until there was nothing left. I could no longer sense anything at all, save for Lust’s hands gently holding mine. I could feel myself drifting away, slowly fading awa–

Lust gasped lightly “What the..?”

A plume of light erupted between us, a flame that shone brighter than any torch. The darkness that had enclosed upon us shrieked and faltered as luminescence pierced the veil of shadow. Lust narrowed her eyes, shielding herself from the light as she fought to maintain a link between us.

“What the hell is this?” She cried, her voice unsteady as the flame’s heat swelled and billowed outward.

“This is *my* road, remember?” I said evenly. “Once you strip away fear of the unknown, you’ve disarmed the only weapon the dark has.”

I felt her grasp slip away from mine as tongues of flame threatened to lash out at her. “This is a place that I created. This is impossible…!”

I watched as the fire grew in size, spreading to anything it touched with frightening speed. The darkness retreated, shrivelling until there was nothing left but a firestorm that encircled us both, the howling gale feeding its insatiable hunger.

Desperation gripped Lust as she spoke. “You can’t do this. It’s my only chance!”

“It’s still my dream, Lust.” I said softly. “But you’re the one who made everything here real.”

Lust’s eyes widened as the realization started to dawn on her. “You let me do this…you waited until I blurred the lines between reality and dreams?”

Embers flew about us as the flame behemoth I had created grew in strength and intensity. “My road has evolved, you were right about that. But you were the one who showed me that I needed something more to strive for. You were the one who reminded me that I needed my friends more than anything else, and that they’re always by my side. This is my Inferno Road.”

Even as her clothes caught alight, and the black morass that covered her skin began to blister from the heat, she smiled. It wasn’t out of animosity or spite, or some dark perversion she was drawing a thrill from. It was genuine compassion that came from her heart.

“You’ve grown so much, little Faye. I should have known a flame will always chase away the darkness.”

With the building engulfed by the inferno, it began to collapse upon itself. Girders came crashing to the ground, as debris rained down from the ceiling. I could no longer see Lust, her figure disappearing into the flames as the floor begin to give way. I felt myself falling, tumbling through the air as the building came crashing down around me.

Until suddenly, I opened my eyes.

I found myself lying in bed, Rachael’s arm gently draped over my waist. I could feel the soft breeze gently kissing my skin as the ceiling fan spun above us, just enough to stir the cool morning air that rolled gently through an open window.

Rachael stirred against me, slowly rousing from a dream of her own. She stretched lazily beneath the sheets, before planting a gentle kiss on my neck. “Sleep well, babe?”

I couldn’t help but smile to myself, in spite of everything that had transpired. “It was a little rough.”

She sat up, just enough to let her hand come to rest beneath the slope of my breasts. “Still think stopping by my place was a bad idea?”

I rolled over, letting my lips brush against hers before kissing them. “Maybe so, but I’ve gotta say, I’ve never been happier to see you.”

Adam's Song - A tale of Delacroix High: Epilogue

Author:

Red Elise

Audience Rating:

Mature Subjects (pg15)

Publication:

Fiction

Genre:

Magic

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

TG Themes:

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

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