I dedicate this Retro Classic to the author of this story - my close friend and surrogate father, Arecee, who passed away at the beginning of 2016. May your soul find a new and much more enriched and fulfilling life, just the way you would like it. With all of my heart and love...and until we meet again... Sephrena.
“Yes Dad, be right there,” Grady, my twin brother, answered.
I finished tying my shoes and sprinted to the bedroom door.
“Beat you to the car,” I said, looking back at Grady.
“You have a head start, Marcus. That’s not fair,” he replied.
“So?’ I said, laughing all the way to the car.
Dad had backed the car from the garage and was waiting for his two whirlwind sons to join him.
“Where’s Grady?” he asked.
“Tying his shoes,” I replied.
Grady came charging through the open front door of the house, slamming it behind him as he jumped off the porch.
“Don’t slam the doors,” I heard my mother shout, as the vibration shook the house.
“Boys, how many times do we have to tell you not to slam the door?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know,” we answered in unison.
A smiling Grady scooted next to me, laying his mitt on the seat next to the door.
Grady and I had had our seventh birthday just a week earlier and we would no longer be playing T ball. This was a new season and the coaches would be pitching the ball.
Our father was one of the coaches and we knew what to expect if he pitched. Dad had worked with us for more than a year and even though we had been in T ball the year before, we had learned how to hit a ball without the T.
Ten minutes after leaving the house, we pulled up to the field. Grady and I burst from the car like a shot, slamming the two rear doors shut.
“Boys,” Dad shouted.
“Sorry Dad,” I yelled back, as we ran to join our teammates.
John Carson, the head coach looked at me and asked, “ Grady, do you have your bat?”
“I’m Marcus, Coach, yeah Dad’s bringing them,” I replied.
“I don’t know how your dad can tell you two apart,” he said, shaking his head.
“Marcus, come and get your things. Do I look like a servant?” Dad asked.
“No Dad,” I groveled, while Grady started laughing at my predicament. He stood holding his bat and glove with a smirk on his lips. I’d get him back later. I always did.
“Hey Steve, how’s it going?” John asked my father.
“Good John. First game of the season, it doesn’t get any better than that,” Dad replied.
“Jeez, I can’t figure out how you can tell your boys apart. I thought Marcus was Grady a minute ago.”
“If you lived with them for seven years, you could tell the difference, believe me. They might be identical twins, but there’s always something different about them. The only thing that’s the same is their personalities. I don’t think they ever stop running, but you know how boys are?”
“Yeah I know what you mean. My Justin is the same way. His older brother never stops tormenting him and you wouldn’t believe the fights they get into.”
“The twins fight too, but get along in ways I can’t explain. It’s scary how one will start a sentence and the other finish it.”
“Well, at least they’re both good ball players. I don’t think one is better than the other. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were asked to be on the all-star team.”
“I don’t know about that, we’ll see.”
As luck would have it, Dad pitched the game and Grady got two hits. Me, I got three, payback, Grady. Oh, and we won the game.
The team gathered around the coaches after the game for the usual comments on how good we played, and the real reason, snacks.
Bill’s mom had snack duty and handed out the drink in a bag and Rice Crispy treats. As good as they tasted, it wasn’t nearly enough for growing boys.
“I’m hitting Burger King on the way home,” John stated. “Anyone want to join us?”
“Dad, can we?” Grady chirped.
“I guess, Marcus, you want a burger?”
“Yeah Dad, I’m hungry.”
“That settles it then, we’ll see you at Burger King,” Dad said.
Five minutes later we were at Burger King. Most of the team had joined us and pretty soon we were laughing and throwing French fries at each other.
“Boys, knock it off,” my father said.
Grady was sitting across the table from me and I couldn’t be the last to be hit by a fry, so I chucked one at him when my father turned away.
“You wait Marcus,” he snarled. The other guys at the table just laughed.
Finishing our burgers we went with our fathers to our respective cars and left to drive home. Dad turned on the radio and listened as the news reported that Constitution Way was closed because of a house fire and traffic was being rerouted through the nearby neighborhoods.
We live in a small town in New Jersey not far from Newark but when the main street through town is closed traffic is a nightmare.
“What are we going to do, Dad?” Grady asked.
“Never fear, the pathfinder is here,” he laughed.
Dad was really good at knowing all the small side streets in our town so he turned right, away from the main street and drove for several blocks before turning right, then left.
“This is a long cut,” he laughed, “but there won’t be any traffic, just a bunch of warehouses.”
Grady and I watched as Dad maneuvered the car through the industrial zone. Several years ago the city build barricades across the road, which made driver have to follow a circuitous route to their destination. The idea was to stop people from drag racing after two drivers had died in separate instances.
Dad turned left then right, and left again, around the front of a warehouse. The district was empty with the exception of our car.
There were two loud popping sounds as we drove past a driveway between two buildings. We looked into the ally and saw a man holding another man by the back of his shirt. He had a pistol in his other hand. The man holding the gun was ugly. He had a scar under his eye, just a short one, but it was there. His hair was a dirty blonde color and was swept straight back above his eyes. His eye were blue, but had the look of the devil. I know I was just seven years old, but the cold look in his eyes scared the crap out of me. Dad was watching, as was Grady. The gunman turned and pointed his pistol toward us, but before he could do anything we had passed by the alley.
“My God, we have to call the police,” Dad said.
He accelerated the car down the street until we rounded another corner. Dad pulled his cell phone from his jacket and dialed 911.
“Dad, who was that?” Grady asked.
“Yeah Dad, who was it?” I asked, remembering the evil glint in the man’s eye. His face scared me more than the worse nightmare I had ever had. I tried to put his face out of my mind; the evil blue eyes, the crooked nose and the cold white fish look of his skin. I was terrified by what I had seen.
Dad dialed the emergency operator and put his phone on speaker.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My boys and I just witnessed a murder,” Dad replied.
“Where are you sir? Do you need an ambulance?”
“No. We’re at the warehouse district on Chamberlin about two blocks from where the murder took place. The killer is between two warehouses on Lincoln Avenue.”
“I’m calling the police. Wait where you are.”
“I won’t do that. My boys might be in danger. I’ll take them home and call the police station to give my statement. Please hurry before the man gets away.”
Dad shut his cell phone and drove off.
“I’m not waiting for the police with that killer still in the area. We’d be like sitting ducks if he found us,” he said to my brother and me.
“Dad, what’s going to happen?” Grady asked.
“Yeah Dad, what’s going to happen to us?”
“Boys, nothing is going to happen. We’ll give the police a statement and that should be all there is to it,” he said, the normal confidence was gone from his voice.
We arrived home and Dad called the police as he had promised the 911 operator. They showed up at our door thirty minutes later. There was an older man, well older than my Dad and a woman that looked at least thirty.
“Mr. Wilson, I’m Sergeant Rendell and this is Officer Graphton. I was told you witnessed the murder on Lincoln?”
“Yes, my boys and I did.”
“Is there somewhere we can sit down?”
“Let’s go into the living room. Honey, the police are here,” Dad shouted toward their bedroom.
When we had returned home, Dad told Mom all about what we had seen and I thought she would have a breakdown. She screamed at Dad for letting us see such a horrible thing, as if he had a choice. She ran to their bedroom in tears, screaming that her boys would never be the same. Dad couldn’t convince her that all we saw was the shooter. He left out the dead guy, and to be honest we sped off so quickly we barely saw that.
Mom came to the living room, her eyes red with tears.
“This is my wife, Sharon Wilson,” Dad said as a way of introduction.
“Sergeant Rendell, and this is my partner Officer Graphton.”
“Wha……wwhat’s going to happen to my boys?” Mom asked, unable to control her tears.
Mom had to get a life. God all she did was cry every time she was under stress. Women, I just don’t understand.
“Nothing will happen to them, Mrs. Wilson. All we want is a statement from them and if worse comes to worse, they will be asked to testify in court if we catch the guy. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Court? My babies will have to testify in court?” she asked, and then the dam really broke. “Oh my God please tell me they won’t have to?”
“I’m sorry Mrs. Wilson, I can’t promise that.”
“It’s all your fault Steve. Why did you go that way?”
“I told you, to avoid traffic. Sharon,” Dad pleaded, “It’s not like I asked the killer to be there. I don’t like this anymore than you do.”
“I’m really sorry about this, but I do have to ask all three of you some questions. We might as well get started and we’ll be out of your hair in no time,” officer Graphton chirped hopefully. “May I take the boys into another room? We don’t want them to hear their father’s description of the crime because it might contaminate what they remember.”
“Take them into the kitchen. It’s through that door,” Dad said pointing to the kitchen door.
“Thank you Mr. Wilson. Come on boys, this won’t take but a minute.”
We followed officer Graphton to the kitchen to wait our turn.
“Mr. Wilson, when did you become aware that the killing had taken place?”
“After we turned the corner onto Lincoln. We heard a shot just as we approached the alley.”
“What did you see after that?”
“A man holding a pistol in one hand and the collar of the shirt of a man slumped next to him.”
“Was the man dead?”
“I have no idea. All I know is that the man standing had shot the other man.”
“What did the shooter look like?”
“He was white, about five foot nine, judging by the height of the car. He had dirty blonde hair, a ruddy complexion, blue eyes and a crooked nose. He had a small scar under his right eye. He wore black Dockers and wore a long sleeve red shirt. I thought that was strange as it was a warm day.”
“Is there anything else you can tell us?”
“He pointed his pistol at us and frowned as I sped off. After that we called 911.”
“If that’s all, I’d like to ask your sons a few questions.”
“I’ll send them in.”
“One at a time please. I don’t want their testimony tainted.”
Dad walked into the kitchen and said, “Grady, you go first.”
“Okay dad.”
Grady left the room and returned five minutes later.
“Your turn, Marcus.”
I walked into the living room and sat on the sofa, brushing my hair out of my eyes. Dad promised we would finally be able to get a crew cut this year. Mom always liked being able to comb our hair with jells, but that wasn’t cool, and crew cuts were.
“What do you remember about this afternoon?” Sergeant Rendell asked.
“Like what?”
“What you witnessed on your way home.”
“Some guy shot another guy.”
“What did the man with the pistol look like?”
“I don’t know. He had kind of brown hair but not really brown, kind of blonde but not blonde and he had a scar. He scared the heck out of me.”
“Why did he scare you?”
“He looked mean. Kind of like a dog growling at you except for the scar. Oh, and he was white, kind of like the belly of a fish.”
“What can you tell me about his scar?”
“It was right here,” I said, pointing under my right eye.
“You’re sure?”
“Yep, it was ugly.”
“Can you describe what he was wearing?”
“Old man clothes, like my father wears.”
The Sergeant snickered to himself.
“So he wasn’t cool like you and your brother?
“Well no, but we still had our baseball uniforms on.”
“Do you remember what color they were?”
“No, I just remember the scar.”
“Okay Marcus, thank you for all your help. Will you get your parents for me?”
“Sure,” I said, running from the sofa into the kitchen.
“Dad, the policeman wants to see you.”
“Thanks Marcus,” he replied, and walked from the room.
The lady cop joined them and soon after they left the house.
Dad came into the kitchen and said, “Good job boys. All our stories were the same and they think it might lead to an arrest.”
Three days later an arrest was made. Apparently the police knew right away who the man was from our description. Later that day there was a knock on our front door.
Mom opened the door and asked,” May I help you?”
“Yes, FBI, Mrs. Wilson. We need to talk,” the older man said while both showed their badges.
Mom opened the door for them to enter and showed them to the living room.
“Is Mr. Wilson home?” he asked.
“He should be home in five minutes, what is this about?” Mom asked.
“It’s about the man who was arrested this morning for killing the man your husband and sons witnessed.”
“Is there a problem?” Mom asked and started to shake.
“I’m afraid there is, but maybe we should wait until your husband gets home.”
Mom began to pace the floor, her hands shaking more with each passing minute. She was a nervous wreck when my father arrived.
“Hi honey,” Dad said as he entered the living room. “Who are these people?”
“They’re the FBI. Steve, what’s going on?” Mom asked, her voice shaking with fear.
“Mr. Wilson, I’m agent Thomas and this is agent Burlingame. We came here to warn you that your lives might be in danger. It seems the man who you witnessed killing the other man is part of the Russian Mafia. Knowing what we do about that group, it won’t be long before they come around to intimidate you.”
“It sounds as though you’re doing their job for them. What does this mean for my family?”
“You’re going to need protection until the trial.”
“And how long will that be?”
“I hate to tell you this, but it could be a year before everything is done.”
“How much danger are we in?”
“Enough that you will have our agents living with you during this time. After that I don’t have a clue, but I wouldn’t doubt that you’ll be put into witness protection.”
“I don’t get it. All we did was witness that man killing the other person. What did the dead man do?”
“He stole a considerable sum of money from the mob.”
“And they killed him?”
“They’ve killed for a lot less and that’s why you’re in danger. The Justice Department wants your testimony to help put this scum behind bars and that’s why we’ll have at least two agents with you constantly.”
“Why is this person so important?”
“He’s the brother of the czar. Nothing goes down without a word from the leader and now we have his brother in custody. It goes without saying, if the mob can get you to not testify, or in the worse case kill you, then they’ll be satisfied.”
“What’s going to become of our life?”
“For now, nothing. You can continue as if nothing ever happened. Your boys can continue to play ball and your lives go on as normal. We’ll protect you. We know you’re a coach for your sons’ little league team and the only difference will be extra spectators in the stands. It’s what comes after you testify. We won’t be able to continue to protect you and that’s why I mentioned the witness protection program. That plan won’t happen until a year from now, so don’t give it another thought. When the time comes, we’ll sit down with your family and lay out your options. Until then, enjoy being yourselves.”
Chapter Two
Our life did go on. Grady and I made the all-star team for kids under eight. I was shortstop and he played second base. I don’t think we were much better that the other kids, but we sort of had this mental connection with each other. I always knew what Grady was going to do and he knew the same about me.
The best thing though was that we both got our crew cuts. I loved the short hair, as did Grady. School ended soon after and our vacation started. On our first day the community pool was our first stop.
We were swimming as our body guards watched, I’m sure thrilled with the spectacle of a hundred screaming kids.
I loved being in the water, splashing and trying my best to swim. Even more I liked to dunk kids I knew and especially Grady. If I didn’t get him, he got me. As luck would have it, he had turned to talk to Spencer James, one of our best friends, so he didn’t see me coming. I snuck up on him, lowered myself under the water and grabbed his legs. Swoosh and he was under water. I came back up and was laughing so hard, I almost peed my pants.
“That wasn’t fair Marcus. The least you could have done was warn me so we could have tried to dunk each other.”
“There’s nothing fun about that,” I responded.
That’s all it took and Grady jumped up and grabbed my head pushing it under the water.
“Hah, got you Marcus.”
“Not for long,” I replied, and we were soon wrestling.
The lifeguard came running and yep, we got kicked out of the pool.
Our vacation passed with us swimming almost every day. With our tans we looked like we had just come from the Philippines. There were no attempts on our lives, but there were several times we were told we had been watched by the mob.
Around the first of August, soccer season started. Real games wouldn’t be played until September but it felt good running and kicking the ball again. Because we’re twins, Grady and I had to be on the same team. Dad didn’t coach soccer so we were among the first players drafted.
The way it works is the coach’s child is his first draft choice and then anyone else is fair game. Players are rated from one to four, one being the most skillful and four the least. Grady and I are ones, so when one of us was drafted, the coach was gaining two number ones with one draft choice. There aren’t a lot of ones, so being able to choose us was a real plus. On the other hand, being seven our skill level didn’t really matter because they “didn’t” keep score. There would be no winners or losers in our games, but I will tell you this, we haven’t lost a game yet and we’ve won by at least ten goals in each game. Maybe the officials think we’re playing friendlies, but everyone else on the field knew better.
School started again and with soccer and schoolwork, our days were full. Around the end of October, Agents Thomas and Burlingame visited us at home again. They wanted to explain what would happen after the trial was over.
Mr. Thomas spoke first.
“The trial won’t take place until next April, but we wanted to get you ready for your life afterward. The FBI can’t continue to protect you forever and there really isn’t a solution for you to continue your life as it is,” he said.
“What then are we supposed to do?” Dad asked.
“The only real solution is to bring you and your family into the witness protection program. After the trial is over, the plan is to allow you to remain here for about a week and then you’ll just disappear.”
“Where will we be going? Where will I work? What about the boys?”
“Ah yes, the boys. Unfortunately for us they have created quite a problem. Changing the identities of you and your wife is quite easy, but hiding twin boys is a horse of a different color. If your boys weren’t identical, there wouldn’t be a problem, but yours are identical. Hiding seven-year-old identical twins presents a problem because there just aren’t that many identical twins that age in this or any other country. We hide you and the boys and the first thing the bad guys are going to look for, is a family with identical twin boys seven years old. See the problem? Find the boys and you find the parents. Now, if they weren’t identical, our problem would be solved.”
“Would it really be that easy for them to find us?”
“Absolutely. These people will go to any lengths to find you. They have to make an example of you to show anyone that even thinks about testifying against them won’t get away with it.”
“If that’s the case what can we do about it?”
“What we want to suggest is something we have never done before and if you don’t want to go through with it, we can understand but if you don’t I doubt you will live much longer than a year after the trial is over. It has been suggested that your boys become fraternal twins.”
“How would you do that? They look so much alike it’s scary and telling people they are fraternal would be foolish. All lying like that would do is draw attention to the identical fraternal twins.”
“Point well taken, but there is another way and this is the uncomfortable part of our discussion. The obvious solution is to have one of your boys change gender, become a girl so to speak. There have never been identical twins of different sexes but there are many fraternal twins that are one boy and one girl.”
“That’s crazy. I’m not going to have one of my boys become a girl? How would we decide which one would have to change and what if we refuse?”
“That would be your choice. We’re just making the suggestion. What you decide to do with it is your business, but keep in mind that having a family with a boy and girl might be preferable to a dead one with two boys.”
“I’m sorry, but we’ll have to think about it. As it stands right now, I would have to say no.”
“It’s your choice and the only reason we’re bringing it up now is that it gives you plenty of time to decide what you want to do.”
The agents rose and left us alone.
“I don’t want to be a girl,” Grady said.
“Neither do I,” I stated.
“Don’t worry boys, no one will make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
“If Grady’s a girl, do I get to pull his hair?” I laughed, reaching for his crew cut.
“No one is going to be pulling anyone’s hair and who knows, maybe you’ll be the girl instead of Grady,” Dad teased.
“Yeah, then I can pull up your dress,” Grady warned, breaking into a fit of laughter.
“Boys, enough. We have a lot of time to decide what we’re going to do and I don’t like the idea of one of you becoming a girl.”
“Okay, Dad,” we said in unison.
Tine passed slowly when we were in school and too quickly when we weren’t. As usual, Grady and I were the best players in soccer and were looking forward to playing basketball during the winter. This would be the first year we would be able to compete in the church basketball league.
Dad had put up a hoop on the garage and we had been practicing for almost a year. I saw why seven was the cut off age because we could barely reach the basket with our shots past five feet from the basket. We were both equal with our ball handling skills. To be honest I couldn’t wait until baseball season.
I noticed Mom and Dad talking a lot when we weren’t supposed to be in the room, and most of what they were talking about was us. I knew because they fell silent when they saw us watching. I kind of knew what it was they were talking about since it was the elephant in the room, would one of us have to become a girl and how could they choose? The answer came in the middle of February.
Dad called us together for a family conference. The only time he did that was to remind Grady and me that Mom needed more help around the house, which meant we had to keep our room clean. We had a tendency to put things away for about two days and then fell back into the usual pattern of filing our clothes and toys into any empty space we could find on the floor. Today was different.
“Boys, I know you’ve seen Mom and I talking and I’m sure you wonder what we were talking about?”
“I think I know, Dad,” Grady answered.
“Yeah, the girl thing,” I added.
“You’re both right, but that’s not all of it. During the last three months, the FBI has stopped four attempts on our life. The trial is going to start April twenty-first and they won’t need your testimony for at least a week.”
“What’s testimony, Dad?” I asked.
“It’s where you tell the jury what you saw, that’s called testimony.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, getting back to what we were talking about, these people know where we live and just about everything about us. For that reason, we will have to go into witness protection when this is all over. Your mom and I have talked about this and what can be done. We could relocate as we are, but will we be safe or will we be found? The FBI man said the bad guys would probably find us. We could keep moving, but that isn’t the life I want for you boys. I want us safe and I want to live a life like everyone else. I want you to be able to compete in sports and have friends like you have now.”
“Does one of us have to be a girl?” Grady asked sadly.
We both knew what the answer was going to be as Dad shifted nervously.
“I won’t make either of you do that,” he replied. “We can try moving, but eventually the bad guys will find us and, well we can try to hide from them as best as possible.”
We sat silently for what seemed to be minutes. Grady had tears running from his eyes and I know I did too. Mom came and gathered my brother and me into an embrace.
“I love you boys so much,” she whispered.
It was then that I made the decision that would change my life.
“I’ll do it,” I said softly.
“Do what?” Mom asked.
“I’ll be the girl,” I answered numbly.
“Marcus, you don’t have to.”
“I know Mom, but if I don’t we’ll all be killed. If I do, can I still play baseball?”
A giggle escaped Mom’s lips and a smile crossed Dad’s lips.
“Of course you can. Jessica is on Bill’s team and if I remember correctly she hit a home run last year.”
“When do I have to be a girl?”
“I’ll ask the FBI people and let you know tomorrow.”
So it was settled, I was going to become a girl. Little did I know I wasn’t going to become a pretend girl but a real one, but I’ll get to that later.
Agent Thomas and agent Burlingame returned the next day to explain the details as to our disappearance and the trial.
“Mr., Mrs. Wilson, boys, I’m glad you came to the choice you made. It’s very courageous of you.”
“It was Marcus’s decision. He volunteered.”
“You’re quite a brave young man Marcus,” agent Thomas said.
I smiled, feeling quite pleased with myself.
“Thank you,” I answered smugly.
Grady kicked my leg.
“What about me?” he asked.
“You’re brave too,” the agent said.
“Boys, let agent Thomas speak,” Dad admonished.
“Thank you. Here’s what we’ve put together as a plan for you folks. It’s still two months before the trial starts and I’m sure the bad guys will ramp up their effort to get to you. We’re going to increase our presence here and everywhere else you go. Boys you will have an agent with you at all times until after the trial and the same goes for you Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. When the trial is over, we’ll take you to a place in Michigan for a month before we relocate you to your final destination.”
“Where will that be?” Dad asked.
“We think we’ve found a place in Jackson, California.”
“Where’s that?” Grady asked.
“It’s in the Sierra foothills near Stockton.”
“Do they play baseball there?” I asked.
Both agents chuckled at that.
“Yes, I’m sure they do.”
“What about school?” Mom asked.
“Their schools are very good and the boys will be tutored while they are in Michigan. All of Marcus’s records will be changed to indicate he has always been a girl and will be attending school in the fall as a girl. We will take care of registering the children in school near your home. Obviously we’ll have to use our own doctors for the physical required for entry into your new school. Other than that the hard part is going to come later.”
“What hard part? Isn’t Marcus becoming a girl bad enough?”
“I don’t think you understand that Marcus will become a real girl. He won’t be pretending other than the first three years and that’s so he can learn to be a girl. If you change your minds during that period then you will be on your own. You’ll be able to go wherever you wish with our thanks for your duty, but I wouldn’t recommend it. As we’ve already told you, these people don’t give up.”
“Why is the first three years so important?” Mom asked.
“Because nothing will be been done to Marcus that can’t be undone, he’ll still be a boy living as girl. When he turns eleven, things will change. Marcus will have by then been living as a girl for three years and eleven is the time girls go through puberty. Eleven is an average age, some girls start earlier and some later, but they do start. Marcus will start his too, only as a girl. Our doctors will start him on hormones that will change the boy into a woman. There will be no going back. After he’s been on hormones for about three years, he’ll have the final operation to complete his journey. As I say, when he turns eleven there won’t be any turning back.”
Mom and Dad had both visibly paled. I don’t think they had really thought about what was going to happen to me.
“I thought none of this could happen until they were eighteen?” Mom asked.
“Normally that’s the case, but being the government we can pretty much do what we want. Of course, you will never be able to tell anyone what we do and, if you do, there is a very safe living facility in Leavenworth, Kansas more than willing to let you live there.”
“We’d never say anything, and even if we did, who would believe us?” Dad asked.
“Point well taken. As I said, I know you’ve made the decision to do this, but I just want you aware of what exactly what would be taking place. If it’s any conciliation, Marcus might welcome the changes after being a girl for three years.”
“Will I be able to play soccer too?”
My words broke the tension in the room. Everything was settled, I was going to become a girl and what the heck, it would be like being undercover like a spy or something.
“Yes honey, you be able to play soccer too. There are lots of good women soccer players.”
The agents rose and thanked us for our time.
“We’ll be seeing you at the trial, and I’d like to make a suggestion. I think you should stop cutting Marcus’s hair, real hair is much easier to take care of than a wig.”
“Thanks agent Thomas, we’ll do that.”
Then they were gone.
Chapter Three
After the meeting, time seemed to fly. It felt as though the trial had been moved to the next day, however in reality it was postponed for two weeks. It was the middle of May before we had to testify. Because of our ages, Grady and I were kept in a separate room away from the trial chambers. When we were asked to testify, we were led into the courtroom and when we finished we were brought back.
Grady went first and then it was my turn.
“Marcus, can you tell us what you saw last year about this time with regards to the man sitting at the defense table?”
“I saw that man holding a gun to another man’s head. I think the man was dead.”
“Why do you think that?”
“He wasn’t moving and didn’t look at us when we drove by.”
“Can you show us the man you saw with the gun?”
“Him,” I said pointing at the defendant. He in turn scowled at me giving a menacing look.
“Are you sure it’s him?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“I remember the scar under his eye.”
“Is that all you remember?”
“Yes sir.”
“That’s all, your honor.”
The defense attorney stood and walked toward me.
“Are you sure you didn’t see someone else?” he asked.
“Yes sir, I’m sure. I thought he was going to shoot at us when he saw us.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because he started to turn the gun in our direction.”
“Do you know who he is?”
“I think he’s in some kind of gang.”
“And where would you get that idea?”
“The FBI man told us.”
“The FBI man told you?
“Yes.”
“Did he also tell you to lie about seeing him?”
“Objection, your honor,” the DA yelled.
“Mr. Worthington, you know better,” the judge said.
“No more questions.”
That was it. We were done. Now all we had to do was wait until the FBI came for us.
That was a week after the trial ended. The jury had found the man guilty and he was going to spend a long time in jail. We had one hour to get what we needed and then we were taken away. Mom had packed some things to take but most of what we owned stayed with the house. There would be no movers to tip off the Russian mob that we were entering the witness protection program.
We were brought to Newark International airport and flown to Detroit, Michigan. We were provided an apartment and some new clothing; mostly mine, because I was going to become a girl from this day forward.
When we arrived in Detroit, we were brought to an apartment complex owned by the Federal government. It was used to house new arrivals, not ones like us but people who had transferred to Detroit and were going to work in the city. The area was sparse, but it’s not like it would matter much since we would be moving in a month.
The apartment had two bedrooms, which normally wouldn’t create a problem, but with me becoming a girl we wondered what it might do to Grady’s and my relationship. It wouldn’t take long to find out.
We got settled in, although living here was like going to a hotel without a maid. We met with the witness protection people and we all began a series of classes to teach us what to expect when we finally moved to Jackson. I had to go through the most intense training of all because of my unusual circumstances. I had to learn to become like a girl my age.
My training began and it was what I thought it would be. Actually I had no idea what it would be, but it was what I thought. First we had to think of a name for me. Marcus wouldn’t make it for a girl. We decided to let Mom name her new little girl.
“Mom, have you thought of a name for me yet?” I asked.
“Not yet. I knew I was having twin boys so I didn’t even bother to think of names for girls when I was pregnant.”
“What about Grady, will he have to change his name too?”
“I’m afraid he will, but he already picked one for himself, Teddy.”
“Teddy?”
“Yes, its short for Theodore, Ted, or Teddy.”
“I had a friend Cindy at school. Could I be called Cindy?”
“That’s a lovely name. Cynthia, what about a middle name?”
“I don’t know, why don’t you pick.”
“Hmm, why don’t we name you after my mother, Nancy.”
“I like Marcus better, but I guess those names will be okay.”
“I’ll let your father and brother know what we decided and have them call you Cindy from now on.”
“Thanks Mom.”
That’s how I got my name and why I called my brother Ted and he called me Cindy from this day forward.
Next came the clothes I would now have to wear as a young girl. They weren’t much different from my boy’s clothes, except the cloth felt different. My old jeans were made of heavy denim and I could beat the heck out of them without worrying that they would rip. Sometimes Grady and I would go overboard playing and I might tear a seam, but it was rare. My new jeans were made of a lighter material and cut differently. They buttoned backwards and had flowers on the pockets. I’m sure I would rip the heck out of them if Grady and I played like we usually did.
My T-shirts were different too. The neck came a bit lower on my chest and they weren’t white anymore, they were pink or light blue or peach, my Mom told me the color and had little bits of lace around the neck. I had seen my friend Cindy wearing shirts like them before I had to be a girl.
Shoes and socks were subtly different. My socks only came up to my ankle and had lacy tops to them, unlike my regular socks that came up my calves under my jeans. Oh that was another thing my new jeans were way shorter than my old ones, which allowed my socks to show with a little bit of skin above them too. My canvas shoes were very white and Mom admonished me that they were to stay that way. No playing in dirt, yeah right, I thought. I won’t get into the skirts and dresses I was expected to wear at some time during the month, but I eventually did wear them and learn the art of keeping my legs together so boys wouldn’t be able to see my panties. Did I forget to mention panties? Yep, I wasn’t allowed to wear my old underwear anymore. Now it was cotton panties, mostly white but a few were pastel colored, Mom told me that too. The time spent during the month was just to get us used to our new identities.
The people from the FBI explained that most of the feminine movements I would learn, I would learn from interaction with girls my age. If anyone asked, I was just a tomboy, but my parents were assured that as I became friends with girls I would become much like them while Grady would continue on the road he was already on. Things would be subtle but they said after three years of living as a girl with girls for friends, we would never recognize the boy who started this project. Yeah right, I thought.
The month was spent being our new selves and trying to remember to call each other by our new names. I still felt like a boy dressed in whatever other clothes I was wearing, but the FBI said that would change over time.
It took about two weeks before we stopped making mistake with our names. Dad and Mom were still Dad and Mom. They kept their real names, but we changed our last name to Crane. Grady had become Ted and I was Cindy. The only problem was Grady teasing me one day about looking like a girl but acting like a boy.
“The flowers on your butt are so cute,” he teased.
“Stop it Ted, it’s not funny,” I replied, sounding annoyed.
“How come your pants are so short?” he continued.
“Mom, Ted’s teasing me,” I yelled.
“Ted, stop that this instant. Cindy is doing this for all of us, so you didn’t have to become the girl. I think you owe your sister an apology.”
“Sorry,” he said, obviously not meaning a word he was saying.
“Just wait, Ted, someday you’ll need help from your sister and I’ll remember how you treated me. I don’t like this anymore than you do, but I said I’d do it, so please don’t be a jerk.”
“I’m sorry Cindy, really I am. It’s just that I miss my brother and, never mind, I just do.”
“I miss being a boy too, and I miss playing outside like we used to do. I hate being here. I hope things change when we finally move to Jackson.”
“I’m sure they will.”
Chapter Four
Two weeks later we were flown to Sacramento, California and met by the FBI agents that would be driving us to Jackson.
“Hello, I’m Agent Groves and this is Agent Martinez,” the man said.
Agent Groves was a man about six feet tall, had blonde hair turning grey, blue eyes a kind smile and was about twenty pounds over weight.
Agent Martinez was a pretty woman about five foot five, had a nice figure and looked to be about thirty years old. Her eyes were brown as was her hair and she had the whitest teeth I had ever seen when she smiled, which was a lot. I liked her a lot. I wondered if I’d be as pretty as her when I got older? What am I thinking, I’m a boy, forget that thought.
“Nice to meet you,” Dad said. “This is my wife Sharon, my son Ted and my daughter Cindy. I’m Steve Crane.”
“Obviously we’ve been expecting you and are here to drive you to Jackson. What do you know about Jackson?” he asked.
“Not much, and to be honest, I didn’t even bother looking for it on Google maps,” Dad replied.
“It’s in the Sierra foothills and is an old mining town from the California Gold rush. It’s grown over the last twenty or so years and I’m sure you’ll like the country feel of the town.”
“What about Baseball and Soccer,” Ted asked.
“They have sport programs just like any other city, so I’m sure they’ll have baseball and soccer,” Agent Martinez said.
“Do you play sports?” she asked, looking at me.
I guess she wasn’t aware that I wasn’t a girl so I answered the best I could.
“Yes, I love soccer and baseball. I was the only girl on the team where we lived and I made all-stars,” I said.
“Way to go girl, I played little league when I was your age and hit more home runs that the boys on the team,” she laughed. “It’s called girl power.”
“Hey, I’m as good as you,” Ted carped.
“Not.”
“Am too.”
“Uhh uhh.”
“Kids stop it right now,” Mom ordered.
Agent Martinez laughed at our discomfort for being admonished by Mom.
We walked to a black suburban and placed our luggage in the rear. I wondered how we would live with so few clothes but found out we would be provided for when we reached Jackson.
“It will take about an hour and a half before we reach your new home,” Agent Groves said, as we all got into the SUV. Ted and I sat in back, Mom and Dad in the middle seats and the two agents in front.
We wound our way out of the Airport and the agent drove toward Sacramento. Traffic was heavy and it took longer than expected before we finally left the strip malls and housing tracts on our route. Soon the occasional house turned into widely spread oak trees and brown grass.
“All this grass was green a few months ago, but it turns brown by the middle of May,” Groves said.
Ted and I just looked at the countryside. We passed through several small towns until we finally reached Jackson. It was cool as we drove down the hill into Jackson, seeing abandoned gold mines right next to the highway. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. I wondered if there were tales of gunfights and all the adventure involved with gold mining. My eight-year-old mind was racing with pictures of cowboys engaged in duels and bar fights right out of the movies. My thoughts and how I was dressed didn’t quite mesh. I was dressed like I had been for the past month, in a skirt and blouse with very white canvas shoes on my feet. I might not like it, but I looked like any other eight-year-old girl traveling to her new home. If I were a girl, my thoughts would have been of Barbie Dolls, not shoot em ups, but it’s one thing to change your appearance and another to change your brain.
The drive to our new home was interesting as we rolled by buildings built in the late eighteen hundreds. So this was the down town part of Jackson. Agent Martinez had pointed out the Safeway store before we drove down into Jackson and had mentioned that Wal-Mart and the Big K store were just down highway 88 a mile or so. We drove around for ten or so minutes before stopping in front of a house.
The house looked old, was painted white and had brown trim. It was built on a tall rock foundation that had been modernized inside but still kept the look of the old building. There were ten steps up to the front door. The front door was wood that I would find out later was oak and had a window in the middle made of clear leaded glass with bevels. It cast rainbows as light passed through the glass from an electric light inside the house. Knowing that we would be arriving, the air-conditioner had been turned on. Being just a month shy of summer, the outside temperatures were reaching one hundred degrees. This I learned was the normal for the Sierra foothills in the summer and early spring.
The cool air felt good as we closed the door. To our left was the sitting room with an opening that led to the dining room. The kitchen was to the right of the dining area making it easy to entertain.
“We just remodeled this place for you. You’ll find commercial quality appliances in the kitchen and the two baths have also been remodeled. After what we asked you people to do, it’s the least we could do for you,” Agent Martinez said.
“Wow, something this nice was on a wish list I knew I would never have. I’m feeling much better about all this,” Mom said, clearly relieved for the first time since the killing.
We continued into the house. The master bedroom was on the right and had been furnished with a king size bed. The furnishings were old looking, being good knock-offs of antiques. The master bath was connected to the rear of the bedroom. Ted and my bedrooms were in the rear of the house. Both were nice size with both of us having double beds. My room was decorated in a feminine motif and Ted’s with the familiar things I missed so much since becoming Cindy.
There were sparse amounts of clothing provided to carry us over until we had a chance to do some real shopping.
“This should hold you for a while,” Agent Martinez said, “But I’m sure you’ll want to add much more to this,” she added pointing at my quite empty closet.
I had plenty of girl’s clothes as far as I was concerned, but she obviously thought otherwise.
“I have a niece your age and if you’d like I can bring her by this weekend and you and your mother can come with us to buy out the Wal-Mart store.”
Mom brightened at that.
“I’d like that very much,” she said.
“Umm, I guess,” I answered uncomfortably.
“I’ll give you a call Mrs. Crane and let you know what time I’ll be by on Saturday.”
“Thank you Agent Martinez.”
“Goodness, we can’t shop together if we’re so formal, call me Sandra.”
“And you call me Sharon.”
“Mr. Crane, here are the keys for your car. It’s parked behind the house in the garage. It’s not fancy, just a 2009 Ford, but it will get you around until you find something else you’d rather drive,” Agent Groves said.
Dad took the keys from his hand and said, “Thank you.”
“We’re going to leave now, I left our cards on the kitchen table. If anything suspicious happens call us at once, but I doubt you’ll be in any danger. Enjoy the rest of your life,” Agent Groves said.
“I’m sure we will, thank you,” Dad replied.
The two agents walked to the Suburban, Agent Martinez turned and said, “See you Saturday,” with a smile.
The car started and the agents drove off. We were alone. For some reason I felt empty. The sun was beating down and the temperature was near one hundred. I think Mom and Dad felt the same way as I did, their empty eyes betrayed the confident front they were trying so hard to portray.
Ted and I went to our rooms and embraced the cool air from the air conditioner. Normally Ted and I would talk or play, but today I wanted to be alone. A cloud of despair enveloped me. Ted and I had lost all of our friends; we were living in a town we knew nothing about other than it was an old mining town. I hadn’t noticed any kids outside during our drive into town. It was two in the afternoon and I forgot that unlike us, other kids were still in school. Ted and I were tested while in Michigan passing the year-end tests and moved to the third grade the following year.
The hardest thing for me was the girl thing. It would be like being placed in the middle of nuclear test facility and expected to be a scientist. There was so much to learn and the hardest part was I had no idea of who I was supposed to be. Sure I knew my name and what kind of clothes to wear, but other than that my life had become a mystery. Who was Cindy Crane?
My worries were minor compared to what my parents were going through. My father was a project manager for a large construction company in Newark, New Jersey. They built those skyscraper buildings in New York City and in several other cities on the East Coast. Dad made good money and we never really wanted for anything, but then our wants weren’t extravagant. Now he had to figure out what to do for a job. There weren’t any big buildings in the area so I doubted he would be doing any project managing.
We still had enough money to last us for almost a year if we watched what we spent money on. It would help Dad to find what he would do.
I had let myself fall into a funk. I had only been here for two hours and I already hated Jackson. There was nothing to do, and I wondered if it wouldn’t have been better to take our chances with the bad guys. The least we would have had was excitement.
“Cindy, could I see you in the kitchen,” Mom yelled.
Cindy, God how I hated hearing that name. I was Marcus and wondered why I had been so stupid to volunteer to become the girl?
“I’ll be right there, Mom.”
I went to the kitchen and found Mom looking in the refrigerator.
“Let’s see what we have to cook with,” she said.
Why would I care what we had? Mom cooked and I ate, it was always that way.
“Why?”
“Because you’re a girl now. This is what girls do. Your father makes money for us to spend on clothes,” Mom giggled, “ We make dinner for him to keep him happy.”
Mom continued laughing. I can’t remember when she was giddy like this. I think it was before we witnessed the killing. After that it was like she had a black cloud over her head. Mom felt free for the first time in a year.
The pickings were scarce. It looked as though a single guy had stocked the fridge. There was bread, a package of sliced ham, American cheese, a jar of pickles, some peanut butter, a few tomatoes, and a head of lettuce. Mom shook her head but the smile never left her lips.
“Steve, we have to go shopping,” Mom stated.
“Already, can’t it wait until tomorrow?”
“Only if you’d like to eat dinner.”
“Oh, I thought you meant for clothes.”
“Me? Perish the thought. How often do I go clothes shopping, never mind, and don’t answer that.”
“Kids, let’s go,” Dad said.
I thought of what Dad said. I missed his ‘boys, let’s go’. Now it was kids, one boy and one girl, gosh I hated all of this.
Dad grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen and went out the side door to the back yard. I followed as did Ted. The stairs were parallel to the side of the house. There are ten stairs with a cement pad at the bottom. The space between the house and fence to the right was easily ten feet, wide enough for a car.
We walked to the back yard and turned left toward the garage. The garage was doublewide with a roll up door. It was painted white with brown trim to match the house. Dad raised the door and was greeted by a 2009 Crown Victoria, obviously a retired police vehicle.
“Oh God, we have to go car shopping. We can’t be seen driving something like this,” Dad groaned.
“Oh, it’s not that bad, dear. We just have to make do until we get settled, and besides if everyone thinks you’re a cop they’ll leave us alone.”
Dad didn’t respond but got onto the car and started the engine. Letting it warm for a second, he backed it out of the garage. We all piled in the car.
“Take a look at that,” Dad said, pointing at the garage, “It’s the last time you’ll see it this empty.”
Dad was right; he started moving things into the garage the next day to join the washer and drier. I hoped it would stay cleaner than our old garage back home.
The driveway was gravel from the garage to the street. The rest of the rear yard was grass and four trees, an apple, a pear, a peach and an apricot. I didn’t count the lemon tree tucked between the garage and the house. All were past the blooming stage and fruit was growing on each. The apricots were starting to change color from green to orange. The fruit on the other trees were still growing and green. I wondered which one would be ripe next?
The tires crunched as we backed out to the street. Unlike New Jersey our driveway ran down to the street, but there wasn’t a sidewalk or the sloping ramp from our property to the street. The gravel ended and the paved street started, almost like living on a farm.
The trip to Safeway took ten minutes and only because Dad made a wrong turn. We spent the next hour in the store and did our part to keep the economy healthy. I didn’t think it was possible to spend that much money in a grocery store, but then again I didn’t think we would need two shopping carts either.
It was after four when we returned home. It took ten minutes for us to carry the groceries in the house. Ted and I carried one light bag each and Dad the heavier ones, like the potatoes and meat. Mom spent her time putting things away and was finished a half of an hour later.
We sat at the kitchen table and rested, drinking lemon-aide and cooling off from being outside. There was a knock at the door startling all of us.
“Now who is that?” Dad grumbled. He doesn’t handle heat well.
Dad walked to the front door and opened it. There were three ladies and a girl about my age standing there, holding a plate of cookies.
“Hello, welcome to the neighborhood,” a woman with very red hair said.
“Sharon, kids, come out here please,” Dad said.
Mom and the two of us walked into the entry-hall.
“Dear I think these ladies are here to see you,” Dad said.
“Won’t you come in?” Mom asked.
The three women entered and the girl shyly followed.
“Come into the living room. Steve bring the lemon-aide and some glasses.”
“That’s not necessary, we just came to welcome you to the neighborhood. I’m Colleen O’Hara,” the woman with the red hair said. “This lovely lady is Maria Gomez, and this is Vera Mason. The little girl peeking from behind me is Shannon, my daughter. Maria and Vera’s boys are at baseball practice or they would be here too.”
“I’m so pleased to meet you,” Mom gushed. “The handsome man who opened the door is my husband Steve, I’m Sharon Crane, and these are our children Ted and Cindy.”
“My, twins,” Maria exclaimed. ”They look so much alike.”
Maria was of Mexican decent, very pretty but several pounds overweight. She had brown eyes and hair with red highlights. She was around five feet tall and like the other women wore jeans. I was the only one in a skirt.
Vera was five foot five tall and obviously worked out a lot. Her figure was trim and seemed to fit her like a glove. Her hair was blonde and her eyes brown, so I think maybe her hair wasn’t always blonde.
Colleen had the red hair and deep blue eyes, her freckles dominated her face and she had an infectious smile. She stood about five three and was rail thin. I don’t think she ever stood still from the minute she entered the house until she sat down.
“Yes, so I’m told. They’re almost identical except for the obvious difference.”
“We saw you arrive this morning and saw you had a girl and well,” Colleen paused, “well, I told Shannon when she got home from school and she couldn’t wait to meet your daughter. She’s the only girl in the neighborhood and now she’ll have a friend to play with.”
“Cindy, why don’t you show Shannon your room,” Mom said.
“Yes Mom.”
I remembered what they taught me in Detroit and grabbed Shannon’s hand, “Come on,” pulling her to my room.
Now I must say, I wasn’t sure if I wanted a girlfriend but if I were to have friends, they most certainly would be girls. The one good side effect of having girls for friends I would learn how I was supposed to behave. Hanging with Ted surely wouldn’t teach me how to become a girl and Shannon would except she wouldn’t know she was doing it. I just wondered if I’d like hanging out with girls? Only time would tell.
Pulling Shannon into my room, I closed the door. My room looked like an ad from IKEA. My bed was plain as were the rest of the furnishings. I had a dressing table with a mirror and chair and a dresser of drawers. Shannon looked sad when she saw the room.
“What happened to your furniture? Where are your animals and dolls?”
Our cover story was simple, so I replied,” We lost everything in a fire just before we moved here.”
“Oh, God,” Shannon said, as her eyes filled with tears. “I’ll share some of mine with you. Every girl should have a Teddy Bear.”
“I have a Teddy, my brother,” and laughed.
Shannon giggled at my joke. Then she looked at my short hair. It had grown to about four inches since I stopped cutting it. I was jealous of Ted every time he had his hair cut to the short style I envied so much.
“What happened to your hair?” she asked.
“There was a girl in my class who had cancer and she lost all her hair because of the treatments she was receiving and felt ugly. All the girls in the class decided to cut off all our hair so she would feel better about herself.”
“Did it work?”
“Yes, it seemed to make her get better for a while, but she had to go to a hospital near San Francisco and is still there.”
This was another lie from Detroit but it explained my hair without question. I just felt bad about lying to Shannon. She really was a very nice girl.
“How old are you?” she asked.
“I just turned eight.”
“Cool, I’ll be eight next month. Do you play sports?”
”Yes, soccer and baseball.”
“You play baseball?”
“Yes, of course. I started with my brother and I’m better than he is. We both made all-stars back home.”
“I play soccer. You should sign up. Maybe we could be on the same team.”
“I’d like that.”
“Are you going to start school soon?”
“Next year. I’ll be in third grade.”
“So will I. We can walk to school together.”
“You walk to school?”
“Of course. How else would we get there?”
“I don’t know, maybe on a bus or something?”
“School’s not that far. Now I’ll have someone to walk with beside the boys.”
“How many boys are around here?”
“Let’s see, there’s Quince, he’s nice and Juan, he’s nice most of the time but sometimes he’s a jerk, and John, he lives down the block so four of us walk together.”
“Ted will like that. We had lots of friends where we used to live.”
“Cindy,” Mom yelled, “Shannon’s mom has to go.”
“Okay Mom. I had fun,” I said looking at Shannon, “I’ll see if I can sign up for soccer.”
“Okay.”
Shannon grabbed my hand as we walked from my room. I guess we were officially friends.
“Mom, can Cindy come to our house? She lost all her things in a fire and doesn’t have a bear. I want to give her one of mine,” Shannon said.
“If it’s alright with Sharon,” Colleen answered.
“She can go if it’s not an imposition?” Mom asked.
“God no, I think Cindy will be spending her time at our house or yours. It appears Shannon has made a new friend.”
“What about me?” Ted asked.
“Do you want to hang out with girls?” Mom asked.
“No.”
“Don’t worry Ted, Juan will be home soon and as soon as he is, I’ll bring him by to meet you,” Maria said.
“Okay.”
Shannon hadn’t let go of my hand and dragged me out the front door, down the stairs across the street and down to the house next to the one across from ours. It was painted a beige color and trimmed with brown. It wasn’t as far off the ground as ours and looked much newer. Shannon opened the unlocked door and entered, pulling me straight to her room.
Her room was the opposite of mine. It had personality. There were stuffed animals placed against the pillows looking like a cheering section at a soccer game. There were bears and dogs and cats and more bears. Shannon must have had twenty animals on her bed. The bedspread was a light pink color with darker pink trim. Her bed was painted white and adorned with flowers everywhere. On her shelves were My Little Ponies and a Barbie’s collection, it was truly a girl’s room. I couldn’t help but wonder if my room would look like this in the future?
“You can have any animal you would like, except for Benny.”
”Who’s Benny?”
“My favorite bear, the one in the center, the light brown one.”
I saw the bear she meant. It was worn and looked loved. I looked at the animals and decided on a darker colored bear near the edge.
“Is this one okay?” I asked.
“That’s Marvin, yes you can have him. He’s very soft, I think you’ll like him.”
I picked up the bear and felt the softness she mentioned, there was a faint aroma of perfume. I couldn’t help hugging it to my chest.
“I like him,” I said softly.
Marvin comforted me. I hadn’t realized how much my life had changed in the last year. Our family had moved twice in the last month, we had to testify against a murderer in a trial and the Russian Mafia was hunting us. We had lost all of our friends, but on the other hand I just met Shannon and she gave me a bear. Maybe this whole thing will turn out okay?
Shannon and I talked and spent the rest of the afternoon just being together. It was a nice time, and very different from what I was used to when I wasn’t a girl. We weren’t destructive and didn’t have to do anything to impress each other. We just spent time together. I liked being with Shannon very much.
“I’d better go home,” I said when I smelled Colleen cooking dinner. “My mom will wonder where I’ve gone for so long.”
“Can I come by tomorrow after school?” Shannon asked.
“Yes,” I answered excitedly.
Shannon gave me a hug and then I ran home. It was still hot but I hardly noticed the heat. I had a new friend.
I entered the house and saw Ted playing with a boy.
“Hey Cindy, this is Juan. Juan, this is my sister Cindy,” Ted said.
“Hi Cindy, playing with Shannon?” Juan asked.
“Yes,” I answered, hugging Marvin to my chest.
“Where’d you get the bear?” Ted asked.
“Shannon gave him to me.”
“Cool.”
“I’m glad you moved in here, now Shannon won’t be hanging out with the boys anymore.”
“What’s wrong with Shannon hanging out with boys?” I asked.
“Nothing except when she wanted to play with her dolls. No way was I going to do that.”
“Didn’t she play your games?”
“Yeah, and she was fun, but she didn’t want to do what we wanted all the time so she looked sad when we wouldn’t play with her dolls.”
“Oh.”
I continued through the kitchen where Mom was cooking dinner.
“Look what Shannon gave me,” I said, holding Marvin out for her to see.
“A bear, he’s cute, what’s his name?”
“Marvin.”
“Did you name him?”
“No, Shannon did.”
“Well, Marvin is a very nice name. It looks like you and Shannon are going to be friends.”
“I think so. She’s really nice, and she plays soccer. Maybe we can be on the same team.”
“Maybe sweetheart.”
I went to my room and placed Marvin on my bed like I had seen Shannon do with her animals. Just adding my bear seemed to make the room seem more like mine.
Chapter Five
Shannon came by everyday after school and we became the very best of friends. Little by little, I began to learn what being a girl was supposed to be. I guess I came across as being somewhat of a tomboy and most things I did weren’t very feminine. Little things like the way I talked or walked even sitting down was definitely like a boy. But the more I was around Shannon, Mom noticed a change in the way I did things. I sat differently, legs together and my walk wasn’t as exaggerated, even my speech was becoming more melodious. I think the best way to see the changes was to have Ted and I walk side by side, or speak together. There was a definite femininity about the way I was doing things. It wasn’t exaggerated, but it was there.
During this time, Dad signed us up for soccer, Ted in the under nine boys and me in the under nine girls. Since we were new to the area, Ted and I had to do a try out to see what our skill levels were. Mine were a bit better than Ted’s and I was going to say something to him about it, I usually did, but for some reason I didn’t want to rub salt in his wounds. Before I became the girl in the family, bragging was a way of showing just how macho little boys were. Now I didn’t feel macho, but felt good beating my brother, a feeling I didn’t want to share. Ted on the other hand moped all the way home.
“Man, did you have to beat me?”
“I didn’t beat anyone, I just tried as hard as I could. What’s the problem anyway?”
“The problem is being beat by a girl. I’ll never live it down.”
“You do know I’m still really a boy?” I asked.
“You used to be a boy. You’re a girl now.”
“I’m sure you didn’t notice, but that girl Stacy was better than me. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”
“But you’re a girl and another girl beat you. I’m a boy and I’m supposed to be better than you.”
I felt anger welling up inside of me. What’s wrong with a girl being better than a boy?
“That’s stupid Ted and you know it. You should feel proud that I’m your sister and am good at soccer. We won’t even be on the same team.”
“I know, but, never mind,” he said, sulking the rest of the way home.
Mom and Dad just laughed. They knew this would eventually happen between us, but decided not to interfere, but rather have us work this thing out together.
When we reached home, I went to my room to remove my soccer gear. Ted followed me into my room.
“I’m sorry sis, I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
“I know, but sometimes you’re going to get beat by a girl. You’re my brother and I thought you would have been happy for me.”
“I was, but you know how guys are? I won’t ever be that way with you again, we’re family. I love you Cindy.”
I turned from my brother, as I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. I picked Marvin from my bed and hugged him tight. Next to Ted, he was my best friend in the world.
Summer vacation passed quickly. Shannon and I spent almost every minute together. I learned that she wasn’t the girly-girl I expected, but almost as much of a tomboy as me. She liked to climb trees and play in the creeks that flowed through town. We did girly things when we were alone, but spent a lot of time with Ted and Juan. Juan had another friend from the neighborhood named John. He lived two houses down from Juan and they had been friends ever since birth. Another boy lived around the corner from John named Quince, but everyone called him by his nickname, Stick. No one knows how he got that name because he was one of those kids that ate all the time and it showed. All Ted’s new friends were nice, but loved to tease Shannon and me, but being two against four made us easy targets.
One afternoon we were playing football, you know the American kind with Shannon, Stick and me on the same team. We thought it was unfair, but Juan said that’s the way it is. It was a friendly game of touch but things got out of control when our team scored two more touchdowns than theirs. Shannon was the fastest runner of all and Juan resented it. He had played with her before and she always ran away from him, but now in front of Ted the new boy and his sister he couldn’t let it continue.
We were playing our game in John’s back yard. The yard was planted in grass and the yard was the largest on the block. Anyway, Juan got the ball and decided to run directly at Shannon. On every other play, we would move left or right to avoid being touched with two hands. On this play Juan didn’t care about being tagged, he just wanted to hurt Shannon. Well, Shannon wanted nothing to do with what Juan thought would happen, so she lowered her shoulder and plowed into the advancing Juan. I was surprised to see Juan go flying to the ground and I know he was even more surprised than me.
“What was that?” Shannon yelled.
“What?” Juan asked innocently.
“You know what. Why did you try to hurt me?”
“I didn’t.”
“You’re a liar Juan. Come on Cindy, I’ve had enough of this,” she said, in a huff.
“I’ll see you at home,” I said looking at Ted.
I followed Shannon to her house. We both had grass stains on our bare knees where we had fallen during the course of the game. We went to Shannon’s room and I could tell she was still angry as her cheeks flushed with red.
“Did you see what Juan did? He tried to hurt me,” she said, as tears filled her eyes.
“Why did he do that?” I asked.
“I don’t know. We’ve always been good friends. He’s never acted this way before,” she said, as a tear slid down her cheek.
“I don’t think what he had in mind worked very well. He was the one who ended up on the ground,” I giggled.
“He should have known better. He knows I’m stronger than he is.”
“He knew you were stronger?”
“Yes. We were on opposite soccer teams and I ran into him and he ended up crying because a girl had knocked him down.”
“So much for girls being weak,” I laughed.
“You’ve got that right,” she said, and we slapped hands just like the boys.
Soccer teams were selected during July and I ended up on the same team as Shannon. At the age group we were in, we played seven on seven. The reason was to be able to let more teammates have more touches on the ball. Each team would have a minimum of nine players per team. The two or three players left over were assigned to one or another of the teams, which meant three teams had ten players. Luckily we had nine.
The rules state that every player must play at least half of the game, even ones that didn’t want to be there. We had two players whose parents were making them play soccer. One was Brittany, a short very pretty girly girl, and the other Lori who was very overweight. She wanted nothing more than to stay home with her Playstation. So, the girls on our team were Shannon, Brittany, Lori, Tiffany, Alexis, Patricia, Tara, Mattie, and me.
Our first practice was August first. We weren’t allowed to practice before that. Shannon’s father was our coach.
I already knew Mr. O’Hara, and so did half of the girls on our team. The only ones that didn’t were Brittany, Lori, and Alexis. We went through introductions and since I was the new person, no one other than Shannon knew me. I was greeted with a hug from each of the players before practice actually started. Tiffany was the tallest girl on the team and she was four inches taller than me. Next was Alexis who was black and the best defender on the team. Shannon and I were the same height and she was the fastest runner on the team. Patricia, Tara and Mattie were an inch or two shorter than me, but were good players. Brittany was the shortest and like I mentioned, didn’t want to be here. Lori was the same height as Shannon and I but couldn’t run as fast as the other girls on the team because of her weight and lack of exercise.
Coach started with warm-ups and stretches. Next came ball control skills. Shannon was the best on the team, followed by Alexis, then me. After that we had a short scrimmage. This was the way practice continued through the season. When the season began Shannon and Alexis were forward, I was midfield with Brittany, Tara and Mattie were defenders with Tiffany in goal.
The way AYSO soccer is played, there are four quarters in a game. The minimum playing time for each player is two quarters so the kids all get playing time. Coach O’Hara was very fair about the playing time and would pull some of the stronger players for weaker ones, including his own daughter. It wouldn’t be fair to leave Shannon in the whole game and only sub the weaker players. Coach was a very nice man. As the season progressed, even Brittany started to like playing and like the camaraderie of the team. She even scored a goal in the next to the last game and you’d have thought she won a prize. We all hugged her and I thought I saw a tear in her eye she was so happy. Our team was called the Pink Thunder.
Shannon, Alexis and I made the all-stars select team. That meant we would be playing until March and maybe beyond. I hoped it wouldn’t interfere with baseball.
Shannon, Alexis and I became a threesome, as school started. Alexis was really smart and carried straight A’s, as did Shannon. I got one A minus but my grades were better than when I was living in New Jersey. I’m not sure if it had anything to do with being a girl, but I noticed my two best friends were very serious about school. Maybe hanging with them was a good thing.
Ted on the other hand got B’s and C’s. Where I would study, he would be off playing with his friends and it showed in his grades.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Mom asked after our first report cards were sent home.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
‘Your grades, there’s no excuse for these grades. She has almost straight A’s and look at yours - B’s and C’s. You’re twins so you can’t use any excuse other than you’re lazy.”
“I’m not lazy.”
“Then you’re spending too much time playing and not enough studying. I want to see your homework every day. I won’t have my children failing in school.”
“Mom, I’m not failing.”
“You are until you bring your grades up to your sister’s.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and ran to my room.
As the school year progressed, I noticed I was changing the way I did things. It was little things that I doubt had anything to do with being a girl. The differences between Ted and I had grown to be noticeable, like the way I talked and little things like walking or sitting, all of which have become feminine. One major difference though is the way I am around the house. I cleaned and put things away in my room, so let me explain.
It all started with the first day I met Shannon. As I mentioned, her room was very girly and everything was in its place. At the time, I assumed her mother kept her room perfect, making the bed, picking up her clothes and making sure her animals were all in their place on her bed. I found out how wrong I was.
It was about three months after we had moved into our home that Shannon was over playing in my room. We were playing a card game called Fish and sitting on my bed. As usual it wasn’t made, but my mother hadn’t had time as she had gone shopping for groceries.
“Your room’s a mess,” Shannon said.
“My mom hasn’t had time to make my bed yet,” I replied.
“You don’t make your own bed?” she accused.
“No, I don’t know how.”
“If I didn’t take care of my room, my mother would kill me.”
“Mom always does our rooms for us. Who does your room?”
Ted and I have never picked anything up in our lives.
“I do.”
“Everything, even your animals?”
“Of course everything. It’s my bedroom and it’s my responsibility.”
I felt ashamed. My best friend took care of her own room and I expected my mother to do the same for me. My room would be mine after this day and it would be mine to take care of.
“Would you show me how to make my bed?” I asked.
“Yes,” Shannon shrieked. “This will be so much fun.”
My idea of fun wasn’t making a bed, but Shannon was taking the time to show me how to take responsibility for myself. I didn’t think it was a girl thing but something I should do for my mother and just because I was a girl for the next three years I might as well take that step.
Shannon pulled the covers off the bed.
“First make sure the bottom sheet is flat and has no wrinkles.”
She pulled here and there and asked me to do the same. It took all of ten seconds and the sheet was flat.
‘See, that wasn’t so hard. Now the top sheet, watch.”
Shannon placed the sheet on the bed and pulled it until it was where she wanted it.
“Leave enough to turn back over the blankets,” she said, the tucked the end in at the foot of the bed.
“Now put the blankets on the same way except leave the blankets short of the end of the sheet.”
I did as instructed, correcting things as Shannon brought them to my attention.
“Now turn the sheet over the top of the blankets and tuck them in all the way around the bed. Everything should be tight.”
I tucked the blankets in like Shannon asked and she hugged me when I finished.
“See how nice it looks and it didn’t take that long to do. Now take the bedspread and place it on the bed but don’t tuck it in. It should be the same length all the way around the bed.”
I put the spread on and made sure it was even.
“Now the pillows.” Shannon placed the pillows on the bed and picked up Marvin and leaned him against the pillows.
“See, doesn’t that look a lot better?”
It did look nice. Shannon had done a better job than my mother, which made me wonder if she might just be a little bit compulsive?
“Do you have a hamper?”
“Yes.”
“Good, let’s finish your room and then we can play cards.”
Shannon and I picked up the clothes I had thrown near my closet door when I changed clothes. Being a slob had become a ritual when Ted and I shared the same bedroom and Shannon wasn’t going to put up with it.
“Now, this looks more like a girl’s room. Let your brother be a slob. Now all we have to do is talk your mom and dad into letting us decorate your room,” she laughed.
Shannon might have been as much of a tomboy as me, but she, unknown to her, was teaching me to become a girl. At one minute we would be playing football with the boys and the next with her Barbie dolls. I loved her to pieces.
Chapter Six
It was time for school to start and the day before Shannon was a ball of energy trying to decide what to wear to school.
“What are you going to wear?” she asked.
“I don’t know, whatever my Mom makes me,” I replied.
“I think we should wear dresses.”
“Do you think my mom will let me?”
“Are you kidding, if I don’t my mother will be mad at me for a week. Help me pick one.”
Shannon and I spent the next hour picking a dress for her to wear to school. I knew I wouldn’t have that problem because my selection of dresses was limited as my mom hadn’t filled my wardrobe with clothes yet, and Dad wasn’t making the money he had in New Jersey, so we kind of watched what we spent.
“Shannon, I have to go, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Be early, like seven-thirty so we can walk with the boys,” she ordered.
“Okay.”
I returned home to find my mother preparing dinner.
“Hi honey,” she said when I walked into the kitchen.
“Hi Mom.”
“Did you have a nice time at Shannon’s?”
“Yes, we were picking put a dress for her to wear to school.”
“Good, I was going to talk to you about that. I was thinking it would be best if you wore one too on your first day at school. If you do, there will be no mistake about you being a girl.”
“Are you sure? I haven’t worn a dress all summer except a few times when we went to church.”
“You’ll be fine. Let me wash my hands and we’ll pick one out for you to wear tomorrow.”
Mom finished wiping her hands and led me to my room. I didn’t have a large selection of clothes but there were more than I thought. Mom laid three dresses on the bed for me to choose from. All were sundresses. I liked the yellow one best.
“I like the yellow one, Mom.”
“I do too. Now let’s figure out what to wear with it.”
“Can’t I wear my shoes I have on?”
“Goodness no. When a girl dresses everything must go together, co-ordinate so to speak. You have to have the right shoes and sox. Your purse has to match. You’re not a boy anymore, but you’ll learn. Here take these sox and your Mary Jane shoes and try them on with your dress. I want to be sure everything fits properly.”
I did as Mom asked and looked in the mirror, yep I was a girl. I just hoped Shannon looked as girly as I did when school started. I walked into the living room and Mom smiled slightly and I swear she had a tear in her eye.
“You’re beautiful,” she said.
Just what I wanted to hear, but on the other hand it’s better than being ugly. I miss being a boy.
Ted ran through the door and stopped when he saw me. I thought his eyes would bug out. I smiled shyly at him. What he did next crushed my spirit. He laughed and it wasn’t one of those fun laughs, but it was mean spirited.
“Hahaha, you look so pretty,” Ted mocked.
“That’s not funny Ted,” I replied.
“Yes it is.”
I felt my anger boiling to the surface as I balled my fists. I moved to beat the living daylights out of him.
“Stop this instant,” Mom yelled.
“But Mom, Ted’s making fun of me,” I said, and then the stupidest thing happened, tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks.
“See what you’ve done?” Mom said to Ted, with a raised voice.
“But Mom, I was just kidding,” he whined.
“You don’t tease a girl about her looks Ted, especially your sister, now say your sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” Ted groveled.
I didn’t reply as I tried to gather my thoughts. Why had I cried? If Ted was in my place and I was in his, I’m sure I would have done the same thing. I knew I wasn’t a girl but yet I was trying so hard to be one that his remark broke my heart. I wonder how Shannon would have handled the same situation.
“Cindy, your brother apologized to you,” Mom said sternly.
“Okay,” I whimpered.
Mom woke me up earlier than Ted. She wanted to work on my hair before I went to school. It had grown a bit over the summer and she had more to work with. Ted however was able to retain his crew cut, which I jealously admired.
Mom finished my hair and put a layer of clear lip-gloss in my lips.
“Just like a big girl,” she laughed.
I didn’t like the taste and kept licking my mouth.
“Stop that Cindy, you’ll rub it off,” Mom admonished.
“But it tastes funny.”
“You’ll get used to it, now let me fix it.”
Mom applied another layer before lowering my dress over my head. My shoes and sox came next. After fluffing my hair, she looked pleased and I noticed her eyes were wet.
“You’re so pretty,” she said.
I blushed before I said, “Thanks Mom.”
Ted and I ate breakfast and finished just before Shannon knocked on the front door to our house. Mom opened it and let her in.
“My Shannon, you look pretty this morning,” Mom gushed.
“Thanks Mrs. Crane. Are you ready Cindy, the boys are outside, and I like your dress,” Shannon said.
“Thanks, I like what you’re wearing too.”
Shannon was wearing a just above the knees denim skirt and a white blouse with ruffles down the center. She looked as girly as me.
So it was the six of us walking to school for the first time, but certainly not the last. Four boys and two girls. I couldn’t help giggling to myself thinking that Shannon and I were probably tougher than any of the boys including my brother.
The walk took about half of an hour and we reached school five minutes before the bell rang for us to go to class.
Shannon, Ted and I were in the same class, with Juan, John, and Stick in the other third grade class. Alexis was in our class, so the three of us became the musketeers.
We studied together and played soccer together. It was like we were joined at the hip.
Most of the students had been attending this school ever since kindergarten, so when someone new entered their school like Ted and I, we became curiosities. Where are you from, how old are you, why do you look like each other, so Ted and I answered the questions until the student tired of the sport and we became students just like them. Unfortunately, we had to answer the same questions in front of our new classroom and students. I guess it came with the territory.
“Good morning Third Grade, I’m your teacher, Mrs. Macmillan.”
“Good Morning Mrs. Macmillan,” we said in unison.
There were twenty-eight kids in our class, seventeen girls and eleven boys. We learned that this was the advanced class and the other third grade was for students who had difficulty with their studies.
Mrs. Macmillan called roll and had us stand so we would know who was attached to the name. Most of the other students knew each other so Ted and I were oddities.
“Class I’m sure you noticed Ted and Cindy are twins. Do any of you know how many kind of twins there are?”
No one answered.
“Can you tell us Cindy?”
“Two,” I answered.
“And what are they?”
“Identical and fraternal.”
“That’s right, identical and fraternal. Identical twins are just as they sound, they’re identical. Fraternal twins aren’t the same, even though they look alike, much as Ted and Cindy do, except Cindy is a girl and Ted is a boy, so they are fraternal twins. Would you like to tell the class where you came from, Ted?”
“Detroit.”
I breathed a sigh of relief that Ted had remembered our cover and not said New Jersey. If he had things could have gotten bad for us.
“When did you move here?”
“At the beginning of summer.”
“What can you tell us about Detroit?”
“I don’t know. It’s like a city.”
“Did you like it there?”
“I like it better here.”
“What about you Cindy, do you like it here too?”
“Yes Mrs. Macmillan.”
“What do you like to do when you aren’t in school?”
“Play with Shannon and Alexis.”
“And what do you girls do together?”
“Play with Barbies and practice soccer.”
“Do you like soccer?”
“Yes Mrs. Macmillan.”
“Welcome to our school Ted and Cindy.”
That was it; we were now part of the new school.
Our lives fell into the normalcy we had left in New Jersey. Ted had his friends and I had mine. I was slowly growing into my role as a girl. I missed being a boy, but I had grown to like being with Shannon and having the freedom to play any games we wished. As a girl I could play with dolls and not be laughed at, as it was expected and yet if we wanted to play football, that was okay too. If Ted were to play with dolls, he would have never heard the end of it from his friends.
When I first played with dolls, it made me very uncomfortable. There was a certain taboo concerning boys and dolls, but as I fell deeper into my deception I grew to like the games we drew from our fantasies. I was considered a tomboy by most of my fellow students, as was Shannon. Alexis was considered a girly-girl but she was just as tough as us on the soccer pitch. At school she always wore dresses or skirts where as Shannon and I wore jeans and a blouse. Being eight it really didn’t matter whereas we were just kids.
At this age, there really wasn’t much difference between boys and girls. As girls our hair was longer and I did miss not having the crew cut Ted sported, but other than that, Shannon and I were just like one of the guys except when we played girl games. There was a certain freedom with that. One thing I did appreciate was the closeness girls had. I noticed the boys would hang out together and talk about football or some game they could play, but never about himself or herself. Shannon and I on the other hand would spend hours talking about ourselves and the dreams of becoming a princess or some other unattainable goal, but it was we, the person. It was a small thing but one that was slowly shaping who I was going to become.
Soccer season ended and even though we were on the all-star team, at our age the honor was just that, an honor. Next year we would play well into the winter on a traveling team, at eight we only played seven on seven and score wasn’t kept, yeah right.
Shannon came to my house after school in November and asked me if I wanted to play basketball at the local church with her.
“Cindy, they’re having sign-ups for basketball and this is the first year we’re old enough to play. My Mom and Dad said they would let me play. Do you want to be on my team?”
“I’ve never played basketball before,” I replied. I didn’t want to tell her about playing in New Jersey so I lied once again to my best friend.
“Me neither. Come on, it will be fun.”
“Okay, I’ll ask my parents.”
I asked that night and mom said yes, which made Ted want to do the same. He would ask his friends if they would play too.
The next day Mom, Shannon, Ted, Shannon’s mom, and I went to the Catholic Church where the league took place. Because of the low turnout we were informed that we might have co-ed teams. The coaches explained that at this age girls were as good as the boys and in some cases better players. He mentioned that the boys tended to try to impress each other by showing off whereas the girls were focused on the game and reveled in the camaraderie rather than showing each other up.
Two weeks later, we were informed there were enough kids to form two teams. Shannon and I were on the same team, all girls, yahoo. Ted was on an all boys’ team of which there were four. Because of the low turnout, we would be playing games in cities away from Jackson. Placerville and Lodi were mentioned.
My team had six players and the other girl’s team had seven. I knew all the girls because we all attended the same school, with the exception of Carolyn. She went to the Catholic school in Sutter Creek.
Practice started after Thanksgiving and it was an accomplishment just to reach the basket during the first practice. Most of us had never played basketball before and it showed. I had, but I still was just as bad as the other girls on my team. We spent more time giggling than shooting baskets. Our coach, Miss Hollings, was very patient with us. She had won a scholarship to Michigan ten years before returning home to Jackson. Shannon’s mom said she was the top athlete at the high school and her records still hadn’t been broken. She was the tallest girl I had ever seen and I loved her long blonde hair.
We practiced for a month before the season began. By that time we had the fundamentals of dribbling the ball and shooting, but weren’t very good at it. The other team wasn’t much better and as mom said, this is a learning experience.
The season started with an away game in Lodi, and we lost. The girls all seemed to be much better players than us. We later found out this wasn’t their first year playing basketball so we didn’t feel too bad after all.
The second game was at home and we did a little better. We played a game against a team from Placerville and we lost by only two points, which doesn’t sound like much, but the high score was ten. Miss Hollings was very pleased with our development and Mom provided the snacks. Yeah, snacks are the best part of the game.
The third game we won, but the team we played from Angel’s Camp wasn’t very good. We had become a team, which gained us hugs from Miss Hollings.
“Girls I couldn’t be more proud of you. I must say this is the best team I ever coached,” she said. “I’ll see you at practice Tuesday. Now get your snacks.”
We all squealed with joy and ran off to join or parents and get our treasured snack.
The games continued into February and we won almost half of the games. We became a much better team than the one that started the season.
As the season progressed I noticed changes in me. The unsure tomboy who started the season was becoming girlier as the season progressed. There was no more shame hugging or squealing as one of my teammates made a basket or did something that warranted excitement. I was becoming the girl I was portraying and I liked the person I was becoming.
Ted and I talked most every night about his friends and I did about mine. We were still at the age where boys and girls were pretty much the same with the exception of one or the other having cooties. Tonight our conversation would be different.
“Do you really like being a girl?” Ted asked, out of the blue.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you like being a girl? Do you miss being Marcus?”
I sat for a moment before I answered his question.
“Yes, I do like being a girl. I love my friends and being a girl isn’t much different than being a boy, except for the clothes. I do miss being Marcus and having hair like yours, but I like it when Mom brushes my hair for me.”
As my hair has started to grow, Mom has made a ritual of brushing my hair at night. Although it’s still short, it’s long enough for her to brush. It’s during this time we talk. Mom and I had never talked like we do now, when I was Marcus. She tells me about when she was young and her mother brushed her hair like she was doing with me. We talk about my feelings of what was happening to me, my friends and just about being a girl. It’s a special part of every day.
“Man, I wouldn’t want to be a girl just so I could have my hair brushed,” Ted responded.
“That’s not why I’m being a girl, and you know it. Spending time with Mom makes being one easier and I think my friends are nicer than yours too.”
“My friends are nice and we have lots of fun together.”
“I’m sure you do, but it’s not like Shannon and Alexis. We play the same sports you do, but we talk too. I bet you never ask your friends what you should wear to school?”
“Why would I do that? All we ever wear are jeans and a shirt.”
“See. Shannon lets me know if she’s going to wear pants or a skirt, and what kind of blouse or sweater so we can co-ordinate with each other.”
“That sounds stupid. Being a girl is stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” I yelled a bit too loud.
Mom had been walking by Ted’s room with clean laundry toward my room.
“What’s stupid?” she asked.
“Ted said being a girl is stupid.”
“Ted, did you say that?”
“Yes Mom.”
“Why would you say such a thing?”
“Because it is. Marcus was fun, but Cindy is different. All she does is hang out with her girlfriends. Marcus and I did everything together, but now she just does girl things,” he said, and a tear ran down his cheek.
“It sounds to me that you miss Marcus rather than girls being stupid. I’m sure Cindy misses the time you and Marcus spent together too. I’m sure if she had her choice she would still be Marcus, but that’s not possible. Don’t forget baseball season starts next month and your sister will be playing ball just like when Marcus was here. You two will be on the same team, wearing the same uniform and swinging the same bat.”
“It will be just like it always was,” I said.
Ted smiled and said, “Yeah I guess.”
“Give your sister a hug and I don’t want to hear about how stupid being a girl is again.”
Ted and I put our arms around each other and pulled us into a brotherly hug.
“I miss you bro,” he said before breaking our embrace.
Basketball season ended and baseball was going to start in several weeks. Sign up was going to close in one week and I wanted Shannon and Alexis to play with me. During lunch at school I asked them to join the league with me.
This was a day when we decided to wear skirts and both Shannon and I were admonished for not keeping our legs together. Alexis always kept her legs together, so she would laugh every time the monitor would warn us.
“Shannon, Cindy, legs.”
“Yes Miss Wilson,” we would respond and move our knees together.
“Shannon, Alexis, did you sign up for baseball yet?” I asked.
“My dad say’s I don’t have time for baseball,” Alexis said.
“Why?” I asked.
“I have dance classes almost every day after school.”
“What about you Shannon? You don’t have dance classes.”
“I don’t know how to play baseball.”
“It’s easy. All you have to do is hit the ball.”
“I can’t. I tried, but just couldn’t do it.”
“I’ll help you,” I said.
“I don’t want to. I’ll come and watch you play, okay?”
“Okay.”
We spent the next two weeks just being girls. We jumped rope and played with dolls, tried on our clothes and played with each other’s hair. It was times like this that began to change the person I was.
When we first moved to Jackson, most people we met thought Ted and I were brothers, which we were, except I was wearing girls jeans and a blouse.
“Are your boys twins?” they would ask.
“Yes, except Cindy is a girl,” Mom would respond.
They would apologize and walk away saying I looked too much like a boy.
As time passed the comments changed and so had I. The changes in me were like building a stalagmite, one drip at a time. Drip, drip, just one molecule of lime at a time until one day there was a shaft of stone standing on a cave floor. It was the same with me, just a little bit of femininity at a time. Walking with Shannon and walking like a girl came slowly, but the changes came. So did the movements of my hands and the way I used them to express what I was saying. The slight inflections in my voice toward feminine had become as natural as my walk.
“Twins, they look so much alike. Your daughter is going to so pretty when she gets older,” mothers would gush.
“Thank you,” Mom would beam.
It had been ten months since we started this adventure and as crazy as it sounds, I was proud of whom I had become. True, I missed being Marcus but I truly like being Cindy.
I think the moment I realized I liked being a girl occurred on Easter Sunday. Mom had taken me to be fitted for a dress for church. We had to go all the way to Sacramento to find the exact dress Mom wanted me to wear. I had tried on dresses from Jackson to Stockton but none met Mom’s standards. She found a boutique on line and liked what they had to offer. The dress was white and was full with petticoats and lace everywhere. I was measured from top to bottom and the owner said she would have the dress shipped UPS and not to worry it would fit. While we were there Mom picked out white panty hose and white Mary Jane shoes to complete the outfit. I felt like a princess as I was measured and was made the center of attention. I loved the closeness Mom and I shared with the experience. The owner said she would ship the dress in one week and if anything had to be changed we could run back down to the store and she would take care of it while we waited.
The dress arrived the Monday before Easter and true to the storekeeper’s word, it fit like a glove. Mom wouldn’t let me wear the shoes and hose with it, as she wanted me to be surprised when Easter came.
The Saturday before Easter Mom made an appointment for me to have my hair done. It was finally long enough to have a selection of styles to choose from.
My hair was washed and styled, whereas Mom had the works.
“When you get older you can have everything done too, but for now your hair is enough,” she said.
Sunday morning Mom woke me early just to get ready. She had me shower and then dressed me. It didn’t take that long to dress, but everything had to be just so. Mom gave me new panties and a short slip to wear. On went the white panty hose and the dress. She then fastened my shoes carefully to my feet. She then brushed out my hair to look as if I had just come from the salon.
“I bought this to surprise you,” Mom said, handing me a pink bag.
I opened it and found white gloves to complete the outfit. Putting them on I looked at myself in the mirror, I was beautiful. A smile lit my face, knowing this was so wrong, but I felt so right at this moment. I turned back and forth and felt the petticoats rustling against my legs. I truly felt like a real girl.
Dad and Ted were waiting in the living room for Mom and me. You could see the shock on their faces when they saw me.
“Cindy, you’re beautiful,” Dad complimented.
“Damn, you look like a real girl,” Ted said.
Did I mention Ted had started to swear as of late as had his friends? Mom and Dad weren’t pleased.
“Ted, watch your mouth. You know we don’t like it when you swear. I think maybe we had better think of something to do to break you of that habit,” Mom said.
I blushed at the compliment and giggled at Ted’s predicament.
“Thank your brother Cindy.”
“Thanks Ted.”
Dad drove us to church arriving fifteen minutes before the service started. I think Mom had planned it that way so her daughter would be the center of attention. We had been attending this church since we arrived in Jackson and Mom and Dad were very involved with the various clubs. We had become well known because of that. Obviously Ted and I were known as the twins and as good athletes. Ted was a boy and dressed in his suit looked like a little man. I on the other hand was the center of attention. One of the main reasons though wasn’t because of how girly and feminine I looked, but everyone knew me as Cindy, the tomboy. I rarely wore skirts and was just as rough and tumble as the boys, as was Shannon my best friend. Parents would comment that I should have been born a boy, little did they know.
Today was different though.
“You would have never guessed a princess was just beneath those dirt smudges.”
“Truly a swan has made her appearance.”
Mom was beaming every minute her daughter received a compliment.
As the morning wore on, I too changed the way I thought of myself. I felt pretty and I liked it. Before this day, I had always thought of myself as Marcus, the boy pretending to be a girl. I did all the girl things with Shannon but she was as much a tomboy as me so I really never became a girly girl. Today was different. I felt as though I was Cindy Crane. I reveled in the attention I was receiving and knew Ted didn’t miss being the center of attention one bit.
After church Dad brought us to breakfast at Mel and Faye’s diner. Our Waitress, Shirley couldn’t compliment me enough.
“My daughter looked just like you when she was your age, so beautiful,” she gushed.
I of course blushed like crazy.
Shannon hadn’t seen my dress and when we got home I went to her house and knocked on the door. Her mother answered.
“Hi Mrs. O’Hara,” I said.
“Oh my look at you, Cindy. What a pretty dress, Come in,” she said opening the door for me to enter. “Shannon, Cindy’s here.”
Shannon came running from her room and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me.
Her hand went to her mouth with a gasp, “Cindy, you look like a princess.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. Mom can you buy me a dress like Cindy’s?”
“You already have a dress.”
“But Cindy’s is prettier.”
“I’ll let you wear mine if you want.”
“Not today,” Mrs. O’Hara said.
“Come on,” Shannon said, pulling me by the hand to her room.
I smoothed my dress like Mom had shown me and sat on the edge of her bed.
“Cindy, you look so beautiful.”
“Thank you. Do you really like the dress?”
“I love it, don’t you?”
“Oh yes. I feel so special with it on.”
“You look special.”
So it went. Shannon and I talked about girl things the rest of the afternoon, dolls and growing into pretty women. We never spoke of soccer or any of the other things we shared with the boys. This was the day Marcus disappeared and Cindy became a real person. I don’t think I ever thought of myself as a boy again.
My changes also affected my mother. After our witnessing the murder, she had withdrawn from the outgoing person she had been and closed herself off from Dad and my brother and I. Living in Jackson had helped her return to her normal self, but when I became Cindy, it was like she became a new person. Mom and I seemed to talk more. When I was a boy she never shared her life with me, other than where she had been raised. Now she would tell me about her girlfriends when she was my age and how my life was going to change, as I got older. My love for my mother seemed to grow every day. Sadly, the closeness my mother and I shared seemed to diminish between Ted and I. There was a time when we were inseparable and like many identical twins would say and do things at the same time, even finishing sentences for each other. As our first year in witness protection grew to a close Ted seemed to have a boy/ girl prejudice building a wall between us, a wall I wouldn’t let happen.
“Ted,” I asked, one day after we had returned home from school, “Can I talk to you?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“Because you never hang out with me anymore.”
“I do.”
“No you don’t. If you’re not with your friends, you’re in your room playing video games. We never used to be like that. We would play catch after we finished our homework or ride our bikes, but we were always together.”
“I know,” he answered sheepishly.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“It’s you. You’re a girl now and boys don’t play with girls.”
“I’m your sister, but I’m still Marcus under these clothes.”
“No you’re not. You aren’t a boy anymore and my friends say we don’t play with girls.”
“Is that why you started swearing?”
“All us guys swear, it’s what boys do.”
“God Ted, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. I might be Cindy now, but I can still catch and bat better than you.”
“No you can’t”
“Yes I can.”
“Prove it.”
My face was flushed with anger toward my brother. He was being such a jerk and I had always been a better ball player than him so I wanted to make a point. There was still a me, but the me was Cindy.
We grabbed our mitts and went into the back yard. Ted and I had both pitched during the first year after T-ball. Dad had worked with us every day and we both were several years ahead of the rest of the team with regards to pitching. As far as batting was concerned, we both were pretty equal with our skills.
Ted threw the ball to me, which I caught easily. I threw it back to him and he handled it as well. Back and forth we threw the ball. It was as if we had never left New Jersey. Then Ted did something unexpected, he threw with much more velocity. The ball slapped into my mitt, and then I knew, he wanted to prove he was better than me, his sister. I fired the ball back with as much gusto as had had thrown to me. This little exercise continued for several minutes and each throw grew in intensity. Now, bear in mind that we were just short of turning nine, that would take place in two months. As an eight-year-old boy and girl we weren’t as accurate as someone much older than us. It didn’t take long before we were diving for errant throws, so much so that Ted threw the ball at me as his anger grew that his sister was able to catch everything thrown at her, where as he dropped the ball twice because he was losing concentration. I was able to duck as the ball just missed my head. Unfortunately for Ted, the ball went through the window in the garage, breaking the glass.
We both looked at the damage before we spoke.
“You tried to hit me,” I said.
“No I didn’t, you just didn’t catch the ball.”
“Why would you do that to me?”
“Because.”
“Ted, because isn’t an answer. I could tell you were getting mad at me.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Yes you were. We never threw the ball like that before. You were just mad because I didn’t drop the ball.”
“Well you threw it where I couldn’t catch it.”
“Look at me, I have dirt all over my clothes because you threw the ball where you thought I wouldn’t catch it, but I did. I didn’t make you dive to catch it.”
“Bull.”
“Hey you two, playing catch I see,” Dad said, as he walked out the rear door of the house.
“What happened to the window?” he asked, when he spotted the damaged glass.
Ted and I looked down at the ground while I waited for him to say something. He didn’t. Ted was my brother and if he wouldn’t say anything, I would.
“Which one of you broke the window?” He asked, with more intensity in his voice.
“I did Dad. I asked Ted to throw the ball higher and said I would catch it, but it went off my mitt and it broke the window. I’m sorry, it’s all my fault,” I said as tears filled my eyes.
“Don’t cry Cindy, it was an accident. I can’t begin to tell you how many windows I broke when I was your age. It’s part of playing baseball in the back yard. It’s easy to fix, come on you two let’s go to the glass shop and we’ll come home and repair the damage.”
Dad walked to me and hugged me tight, and whispered, “Don’t cry, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Ted watched quietly in the back ground while Dad went into the garage to get the car.
“You lied to protect me,” Ted said.
“I should have caught the ball.”
“I’m so sorry sis. I forgot what we were like and I was being stupid. You’re still a better player than me even if you are a girl.”
“I love you Ted and remember we’re still twins.”
Because we’re siblings Ted and I are on the same team. The rest of Ted’s friends ended up on other teams, which brought the usual good-natured teasing as the season progressed. Our team was one of the best and Ted and I were the best players on the team. This of course brought many taunts that Ted’s sister was a better player than him. To his credit he didn’t let it bother him after our confrontation with the window.
When the season ended, both Ted and I were selected to the all-star team. This meant playing during the summer and meant I would be spending less time with Shannon. As hard as it was to admit, I was beginning to like my time playing girl with her. Cindy was slowly taking a little of Marcus away with every passing day.
The next two years seemed to fly by. Ted and I were still all-stars and other players were impressed that a girl could pitch as well as I did. I had trouble remembering the Marcus I had left behind. With the time I had spent with Shannon and my other girlfriends my physical movements had changed. My walk had become feminine, as had my hand movements. I had pretty much become the girl I was portraying. Even Ted noticed the changes and wondered what I would do in the future?
“Hey Cindy, want to play catch for a while?” he asked.
I hadn’t finished my homework from school yet and I felt it was more important than playing ball. When I was Marcus you couldn’t keep me away from a chance to play ball with Ted.
“I have to finish my homework bro, maybe later.”
“It’ll be dark later.”
“I’m sorry but my studies come first. Shannon and I want have straight A’s when our report cards come out.”
“It’s just for a few minutes,” he pleaded.
“I can’t Ted, this is really important.”
“You were never like this before you became a girl,” he said disgustedly.
“It’s not about being a girl, Ted. Were both the same, it’s just that I have to pretend to be a girl, that’s all.”
“It’s more than pretending Cindy. You’re nothing like the twin brother I had three years ago.”
“That’s nonsense, Ted. Were twins and I haven’t changed, well except for my hair and the clothes I wear. I’m still your twin brother.”
“Cindy, you’re not. You’ve changed. You walk like a girl and talk like a girl. Maybe when you wear jeans you kind of look like a boy with long hair, but as soon as you talk or walk everyone sees that you’re a girl.”
“I could cut my hair?”
My hair had grown for three years and Mom decided she wanted her daughter to have long hair. It now reached the middle of my back and I pleaded with her to not let it grow any longer. She asked why and I explained that it got tangled when I played ball, so she relented and had my hair styled at the length it was now.
“Mom would kill you.”
“But then I would be your brother again.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No,” I answered softly.
“See, that’s what I mean, Cindy, you really are a girl now.”
“But we’re twins.”
“I know we’re twins and I love you just as much as if you were a boy. You’re my sister and we still answer for each other when we talk,” Ted laughed.
Ted was right, we still were twins. Every time we were together and were talking with parents or friends, we always ended up saying what the other had started. I loved my brother and as hard as it was to admit, I liked being a girl and liked being his sister.
As was normal, we had grown to four foot four inches tall. If I was to cut my hair and change my clothes we would be identical twins once more but I knew the danger to our family if I did, and beside I liked the girl I had become and wondered what the coming years would provide?
Edited by Di Wonder
Twins
Part Two
Chapter Seven
Ted and I had just turned eleven when our FBI handlers came calling. They had some bad news and we had some life-altering decisions to make. Agent Groves and agent Martinez called and explained they would be coming by to talk to us Wednesday evening.
After dinner there was a knock on our front door.
“That must be the FBI,” Dad said.
That was obvious, as all Ted’s and my friends always came through the kitchen. We used to come through the front door but always ended up in the kitchen and after one incident after a rain storm Mom asked us to please come through the back door. Ever since then, Shannon and my friends entered that way as did Ted’s friends, and, as they would say, it’s closer to the refrigerator. Did I mention we ate a lot? Active growing kids seem to eat everything in sight and our friends were no exception.
Dad opened the door and let the two Agents in the entry.
“Good evening Mr. Crane, you’re looking well,” Agent Groves said as a greeting.
“Good evening Agents, shall we go into the living room?”
Dad motioned the indicated and ushered them in. Mom, Ted, and I were still in the kitchen just finishing dinner.
“Honey, the Agents are here. Bring the kids in here please.”
“Come on kids, let’s get this over with.”
We walked to the living room and I could see the surprise on Agent Martinez’s face. The last time she had seen me I had very short hair and pretty much looked like Ted. Now a very cute girl smiled back at her.
“Cindy! My! What a surprise! You’ve become a very pretty young girl since the last time I saw you. Are you still interested in sports?”
“Yes Agent Martinez. I made the all-star team with Ted.”
“See, didn’t I tell you girls were as good as boys,” she said with a chuckle.
“Let’s get to business,” Agent Groves said. “How have you been settling in? Any problems living here?”
“No, as a matter of fact, we’ve grown quite fond of the community. We have wonderful neighbors and I’ve built a small following of customers. The kids have a large group of friends and if possible we really don’t want to move again.”
‘’I’ll put you at ease, there is no discussion about moving you again, but we’ve reached the point where decisions have to be made. As we mentioned when you went into the program you would have time to acclimate to your new lives, which it sounds as though you’re doing very nicely. The only fly in the ointment though is Cindy. We mentioned that a time would come where there would be no turning back to her life. She could remain a girl or become Marcus once again and that time has come. Cindy has to appear to be a normal girl and this is the time in her life that puberty would start.”
“What are you saying?” Mom asked, obviously concerned about what agent Groves was inferring.
“She will have to start puberty during summer vacation if we are to continue with witness protection. If not, you can opt out and go back to being a family with twin boys. There is a second problem though and I would hate to have what has happened influence your decision about Cindy, but it must be made known to you. The man you testified against has escaped from custody.”
“What! How did that happen? He was sentenced to life in prison,” Dad asked.
“He was to be brought to trial for a different murder and, during the transfer, thugs from the Russian Mafia attacked the vehicle he was riding in and he got away. Two marshals were killed. There’s a countrywide manhunt looking for him, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for him to be captured. That group has very good means for hiding people and it’s important that you know of the situation.”
“That’s just great!” Dad exclaimed in frustration. “Now what do we do?”
“Continue living as you are now, but I must warn you that if you decide to quit witness protection and Cindy becomes Marcus again, I don’t like your chances.”
“So you’re saying Cindy has to go the next step?”
“We’re not saying that at all. The optimum scenario is to continue with the original plan but we can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. The choices are yours to make, but since Cindy has been living as a girl for three years she might want to continue her development. The only thing though is if she makes that decision there will be no turning back. She will always be Cindy.”
“Do you have to have an answer tonight?” Mom asked.
“No of course not. Talk it over and think about it. Let us know what you want to do?”
The agents left and Dad called a meeting to discuss what was being asked of me.
“Wow, that was a shock,” Dad said.
“It was, I can’t believe that man escaped,” my mother responded.
“Thank God we’re in this program. I don’t think he will find us.”
“How can you be so sure?” Mom asked.
“He’ll be looking for a family with two identical twin boys.”
“Yes, I imagine he will, which brings us to the other thing Agent Groves said. If this is to continue, Cindy will have to become a real girl and I’m not sure if she will want that?”
“Can’t Cindy become Marcus again?” Ted asked.
“She could, but if she does we’ll have to leave the witness protection program,” Dad said.
“Why couldn’t we still be in the program and be brothers again?”
“Because it would be too easy for the assassin to find us and the FBI doesn’t want the responsibility of protecting us. We already served our purpose so there is no reason to keep us hidden.”
“We’re hidden now.”
“Yes we are, but that’s because Marcus was brave enough to become Cindy. If she became Marcus again all bets are off.”
“You’re talking like I’m not even here,” I whined.
“We’re sorry, Cindy. We didn’t mean to ignore you. It was just easier to talk about your options.”
“My options?”
“Yes. What we’re talking about is whether you would want to remain Cindy for the rest of your life? It would be a very big decision for someone as young as you to make,” Mom said.
“I’ve been Cindy for three years and I really like being her. I don’t have a problem being her for a while longer.”
“That’s not what is being offered to you. If you continue being Cindy, the FBI wants to make it permanent; in other words you’ll become a real girl and there will be no turning back. Marcus will be gone forever.”
“Why couldn’t I change back?”
“Because if you decide to continue being Cindy, you’ll be given hormones to make you become a woman and because of your age you’ll be a woman forever. I’m sure you’ve had some sex education class by now explaining the differences between men and women. Girls and boys mature differently. Girls become softer and boys become more muscular. I’m sure you noticed your friend Shannon has been changing. She’s started her puberty.”
“If I decide to become a real girl, will I still be able to play baseball?”
“Of course you can, but you might not want to. The hormones will change your body and you won’t be as good of a player as Ted. They do have girl’s teams in high school, but you would be playing softball instead.”
“But I like baseball.”
“And you can play for as long as you like. What I’m saying is you might not want to.”
“Why?”
“Because girls think differently when they go through puberty. If you decide to become a girl, you’ll see.”
“What kind of changes will happen to me?”
“You’ll become a woman. The outside is easy to see, but if you don’t want to become a woman on the inside, you shouldn’t do this thing. We’ll think of some way to keep us safe, but we’ll probably have to move from here in the future; and when the man finds out about us we’ll have to move more often, maybe several times a year.”
“What about my friends?”
“You won’t be able to have friends anymore, well not like you have here. It would be too dangerous.”
“Can’t I just keep dressing and living like Cindy the way I do now?”
“You could for several more years, but when puberty hits Ted, it will also hit you. You will become a handsome young man, but you will also become someone that doesn’t look like a Cindy. Honey, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We love that you were able to become Cindy for as long as you have, but we would love you as Marcus as much as we love Cindy.”
“Can I think about it for a while?” I asked.
“Sweetheart, we want you to think about it. It’s a very big decision for an eleven year old girl to make.”
“May I go to my room now?”
“Of course.”
I walked to my room and felt six eyes follow my every move. The decision I had to make would affect us for the rest of our lives, not just mine, but also my brother’s and my parents’. I had a lot of thinking to do and wished I could ask Shannon what she would do, but knew that wasn’t possible because she didn’t know who Marcus was.
I closed the door to my room and sat on my bed taking my teddy bear and squeezed him to my chest, hugging him tightly.
It wasn’t fair for me to have to make a decision like this. I was only eleven years old. How was someone my age supposed to know what to do? Would I really want to become the girl Cindy was supposed to be? Why shouldn’t I become Marcus again? Did I want to become the boy I had volunteered to leave behind three years ago? Had I really changed as Ted had pointed out to me? Had I become that girl and not even realized it?
Would it really be that bad to become a girl? I had been living as one for three years and it hadn’t harmed me and to be honest with myself I liked the person I had become. Being a girl felt natural to me, and I had friends. Sure Ted had friends too, but there was a closeness I shared with Shannon and Alexis that Ted didn’t with his friends. Sure they hung together but that was all. My friends and I spent hours on the phone and shared every secret in our lives, with the exception of who Cindy really was. Did I want to give up that closeness? Even more importantly, did I want to stop being a girl? I had grown to like the little things Shannon and I did, playing with dolls and then turn right around and beat the boys at soccer. There were other things though I couldn’t measure about being a girl, things I didn’t want to give up. The special feelings when I put on a new dress for church or finding a bird with a broken wing and trying to set it to save its life and the tears when I failed and it died. The hugs Shannon and I shared with every special moment in our lives and the closeness when Mom would braid my hair or brush it at night.
If I were to become Marcus again how would I explain these special moments? Did I really want to swagger with Ted and his friends? I hated it when they would go off and shoot Juan’s BB gun at targets and then let the paper targets drift toward birds and chipmunks. I knew most young boys shot small animals when you lived in an area like Jackson, but I liked being able to say no when they asked me to go with them even better.
I didn’t think of my personality as being girlish, but as I thought about it I was wrong. I had become the girl Cindy was supposed to be and I loved who I was. If I went through with Cindy’s puberty I would no longer have to hide the Marcus I had left behind because there would no longer be a Marcus.
Then I thought of something else, what would happen to Ted’s and my relationship? We’ve remained close even with my subtle changes, still finishing a sentence one or the other of us had started. Would that change if I really became a girl? Would Ted still love me like he loved Marcus? He’s voiced his displeasure with Cindy on more than one occasion although he seems to have grown more accustomed with her over the last two years. I know in my heart what I want to do, but I want to talk to Ted first and if he wants a sister then I’ll become Cindy for real.
I woke the next morning still hugging my bear. I had changed into my nightie, hugged my bear tightly and fallen into a deep sleep. When I woke I remembered that I wanted to talk to Ted. I went to his room and shook him awake.
“Ted, Ted, wake up,” I whispered.
“Huh, what?”
“It’s me, I want to talk.”
“Can’t it wait? I’m tired.”
“No, I want to talk before Mom and Dad get up.”
“Okay, what do you want?”
“How would you feel if I really became Cindy?”
“You already are Cindy.”
“No, I mean for real? Wouldn’t you rather have Marcus around?”
Ted was silent for a half of a minute. I could see he was thinking.
“This is for real, isn’t it?”
“Yes and it’s important to me about how you would feel if Marcus never came back again.”
“You haven’t been Marcus for three years and I’ve grown kind of used to having Cindy around.”
“Do you miss Marcus?”
“Yes, but I like Cindy a lot too. I never thought I would say this, but I like having a sister. I miss Marcus and who we were, but I’ve grown to love my sister. Things haven’t really changed, we still play ball together, finish each other’s sentences and still have a special thing between us. I love you Cindy and remember what we talked about, you really have become a girl. If Mom cut all your hair off, you’d still be a girl. It’s the way you are now, the way you walk and talk. When you watch Shannon, does she look like a boy when she does things?”
“No.”
“You don’t either. You look just like her when you do things, except when you hit the baseball, then the old Marcus is back. If you decide to become Marcus again, I think I would miss Cindy as much as I missed Marcus when this whole thing started. I love you Sis and I’d hate to see you go.”
My eyes had filled with tears. I never thought my brother could make me feel the way I did, so full of love for my identical twin.
“I love you too,” I said, and then I did something I never would have done as Marcus, I hugged my brother.
I returned to my room and dressed for school. I still had a lot on my mind, but I think I had made the decision to remain Cindy. Walking to school with Shannon and our friends only cemented my choice of genders. I truly had become a girl.
I looked at my day in school in a different light enjoying the interaction with my friends. I had never really looked at what we did or talked about; we just did it as girls. Now I watched every move Shannon and Alexis made, listened to every word they said and realized I had become exactly like them. Boys were yucky, flowers were pretty and we still loved playing with our dolls. I was startled by the changes that had taken place in my life.
When I was Marcus I thought nothing of rolling in the dirt or running at the most inappropriate times. My brother and I were constantly being scolded about rowdy behavior but that was the life of a boy. Nothing was meant to be destructive, but at times I guess it was.
Now I didn’t like getting dirty. Oh you couldn’t help it when you played ball and it went with the territory. The same applied to soccer especially after a rain when we couldn’t help getting muddy. The only real change was I couldn’t wait to get home and take a shower and change my clothes. I no longer enjoyed being dirty.
The same could be said about talking with my girlfriends. When I was a boy we would talk about things, baseball or what was on TV, did you see my neat truck, things like that. Now when I talked with my friends we talked of how we felt. Loved that dress, I felt so special with it on. I was so sad after we lost our soccer game that I cried. I hugged my bear. I feel so special when Shannon and I talked. I knew I would never want to lose that feeling and knew deep in my heart I was a girl.
At dinner that night I made my choice known to my family.
“Mom, Dad, I know what I want to do about Cindy,” I said.
“And what’s that?” Mom asked.
“I want to be her forever. I don’t want to be Marcus anymore.”
“Do you know what you’re saying?”
“Yes, and I thought about it all night, except when I slept.”
“Can you tell me why you want to remain Cindy?” Mom asked.
“Because that’s who I am now. You and Dad love me, Ted loves me and I think my best friends love me and most important I love myself.”
“You’ll never be able to become Marcus again, how do you feel about that?”
“Marcus was who I was until three years ago, until I met Cindy. I love being Cindy and I love who she is. I never want to lose her, Mom. Please let me do this thing. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t really become her.”
Mom sat quietly for a minute before tears filled her eyes.
“I love you, Baby,” she said and pulled me into an embrace.
Dad smiled and Ted, well Ted stuck his tongue out at me. I guess some things never change except I knew he was doing it in fun. I could feel his love toward me, isn’t that what twins do?
Dad called Agent Groves on his cell and informed him of our decision, well actually my decision and asked when treatment would start. Agent Groves said he and Agent Martinez would like to have another meeting tomorrow night. Everything would be explained then.
At seven o’clock sharp, Agents Groves and Martinez arrived. Dad opened the door when he heard the knock.
“Back so soon?” Dad asked with a chuckle.
“You called us,” Agent Groves answered, with little humor in his voice.
“Don’t mind Tom, he’s been a pain the ass all day,” Agent Martinez laughed.
“Yeah well, my wife was less than thrilled that I would be working up here again tonight. It’s our anniversary and she wanted dinner out with me and not the kids.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience,” Dad said.
Dad led the Agents into the living room and had them sit facing us on the sofa.
“I guess we all know why we’re all here?” Agent Groves said, stating the obvious. “Since you’ve made the decision to continue in witness protection we thought it best to explain what will happen next. I’ll let Sandra explain the next step. She’s much better than me with the meds.”
“Meds?” I asked.
“Medicine, Honey,” Mom said.
“Thank you. I’ll speak mainly to Cindy but if any of you have any questions whatsoever feel free to interrupt.
Cindy, what we’re talking about is hormones, hormones that will make you become a woman. You know what puberty is, don’t you?”
“Yes, it’s when you become a man or woman.”
“That’s correct and because of your situation we want to be sure this is what you want. If your answer is yes then after school ends for the year we will be taking you to Stanford Hospital in Palo Alto for tests and, after you’ve been analyzed, you will be given a time release implant under your skin that will last about six months before another is implanted. It will have the same amount of hormones as a girl your age would have naturally. Most of your development will take about three years and then it will be another five or six years before you complete your journey. After that, you will be put on a mild dose of hormones to keep you feminine and unfortunately you will have to take them the rest of your life. When you’re fourteen you will be given an operation to make you complete. You will be a woman in every way with the exception being able to bear children but you will be able to adopt if you so choose. Do you have any questions so far?”
“No, well maybe one, will I still be able to play baseball?”
“You will but you are going to find out that your strength will be less than your brothers and you might consider playing on a girl’s team instead. I’ll be honest with you Cindy; hormones will create changes in your body and brain that might change your whole outlook with regards to sports. Your parents told us you’ve agreed to continue in the witness protection program, but we need to be absolutely sure it’s what you want? Once you start, there will be no turning back. Are you absolutely sure you want to become a woman?”
“Yes, it’s what I want. I thought about it last night and after talking to my brother and parents it’s what I want to do. I knew what I wanted after spending three years as a girl, but I had to be sure my brother would accept me. We’re identical twins but after the treatments we won’t be. Well we will, but in a way we won’t, but he told me he loved me as Cindy and said he would miss me if I decided to be Marcus again. I really don’t want to be a boy again so I would really like it if we could start my new puberty.”
“Then it’s done. I’ll make arrangements with the hospital for the end of June. Welcome to my world, Cindy.”
Chapter Eight
It was a month until school ended and another two weeks before we left for Stanford. I would have to explain my absence to Shannon. We were sitting in her room doing homework after school one day and it was our quiet time when we talked about our lives. I knew everything in her life, and she knew mine with the exception of the witness program.
“I’m going on vacation for a week when school ends,” I mentioned to her.
“Where are you going?”
“Down to around San Francisco, I think?”
“I’ve been there before. Mom and Dad brought us there for the weekend. It was fun.”
“I’ll miss you when I’m gone. I wish you could come with us.”
“Me too. How long are you going to be gone?”
“I don’t know, maybe a week.”
“That’s not too long. Let me know if you see any nice clothes.”
“I will.”
Shannon would have never asked me to look at clothes a year ago and I could tell she was changing. She was still a tomboy, but there was a softer side to her. She was becoming a woman and her interests were changing, slowly, but it was happening. I wondered if I would be going through similar changes after my visit to Stanford? Only time would tell.
During the next month and a half, the changes I saw in Shannon were startling. She had begun to bud and things we had always done together didn’t seem to interest her anymore. The dolls had found new homes on her shelves and she seemed more interested reading Teen magazine than playing with dolls. I had long ago become fascinated with my Barbies realizing I would become like her one day. Marcus had truly left my life. One thing hadn’t changed though, Shannon’s love for soccer. As much as I loved baseball, I had taken to practicing soccer skills with her almost every day.
“I want a scholarship and if we’re good enough we’ll both get one,” she said as she one touched a pass back to me.
I was almost as good as she was and with more practice we would be an unbeatable team, Shannon and Cindy Super girls.
I no longer thought of myself as being a boy. The changes had been subtle but they came. It took about two years before I stopped thinking about Marcus. I was now Cindy and as I thought about it nothing had really changed much. Sure I wore a skirt or dress once in a while, but everything else remained the same. I played ball and spent time with my friends, girls now rather than boys, but my body still was that of Marcus’s. My movements were now feminine, hanging out with girls everyday will do that, even to the most boyish boy, but even though I didn’t think of Marcus, there wasn’t anything I did that he wouldn’t have done other than playing with dolls. Ted even played some of the girl’s games we did and he didn’t suddenly turn in to a girl so my life was pretty much the same as it always was. That was about to change.
I fell asleep on our drive to Stanford. It only took three hours, but I slept for most of it. Normally I would talk to Ted, but this trip we made without him. Juan and his family were going camping near Silver Lake and asked if he would like to join them? It was a big decision for him to make, camping or sitting around a hospital for a few days, camping? Hospital? I guess we all know which won? When the car stopped moving the changed motion woke me from my slumber.
“We’re here Honey,” Mom said.
I looked around and saw we were in a parking lot next to several buildings. The signs said Stanford Hospital.
I blinked to clear the sleep from my eyes, sat up and straightened my skirt. Mom had thought it best if I looked a little like a girl when we arrived so there would be no mistake when people other than the medical staff saw me. Ted and I still looked too much alike and she felt it best if I was viewed as a girl rather than a boy in girl’s jeans.
We looked at the map in a display case near the exit of the parking lot and determined that Dad had lucked out and parked the car only three buildings away from where we wanted to be.
The buildings were glass and concrete structures two or three stories tall and looked inviting. Stanford’s medical clinic is known as one of the best in the world and being able to come here and have the FBI pay the bill was something Dad couldn’t help liking.
We entered the lobby of building 376e and walked to the reception desk. A guard was waiting for us to sign in. I thought it was special, but everyone that wanted to pass his desk did the same. So much for feeling special.
“We have an appointment,” Dad said.
“Name?”
“Cindy Crane.”
The guard typed my name into the computer and watched the monitor. His eyes opened a bit more than usual but didn’t betray his thoughts.
“Your appointment is in room 384, special projects. When you arrive, ring the bell button next to the door and you will be let in. The elevator is to my left and you’ll want the third floor. You’ll need these identity cards, which were supplied by whom ever, has arranged for this visit. Good luck.”
The three of us were handed identity cards on a long strap and we placed them over our heads and let them rest on our chests. We found the elevators and Dad pushed the up button. There were four elevators in the lobby and one opened immediately when the button was pushed.
The elevator car was roomy; the floors were granite and the walls expensive birds eye maple with matching grain. It was obvious money wasn’t an issue with regard to the building.
Exiting on three, we looked at the walls on each side of the lobby. The signs on the east wall read 300-350, and the west wall read 351-399. We walked to the west corridor and turned right toward the higher numbers. Arriving at 384 Dad pushed the button next to the door. We didn’t hear a sound, so he pushed the button again. Once again there was no sound.
“Damn,” Dad swore, “The least they could have is a doorbell that worked.”
The door had the number 384 on it, but under the numbers was a sign that read No Admittance Authorized Personal Only.
The door opened and we were greeted by Agent Martinez.
“Mr. and Mrs. Crane, Cindy, nice to see you again, come in.”
“Nice to see you too, Agent Martinez,” Dad replied and led us into the room.
The corridor leading to 384 was spartan in appearance, white walls, white acoustic ceiling, fluorescent fixtures, and a high-end beige industrial carpet. The lobby of the room we entered was like WOW. The walls were painted a soft blue color with white crown molding around the room. Light fixtures hung on two cables stretched from one side of the room to the other. Light shone on the many paintings hung on all four walls. The furnishings were leather and wood. You could tell everything was expensive.
“Have a seat. I’ll let the doctor know you’re here,” she said and walked from the room through a door with a glass panel that had rice paper between the two lights of glass. The frame was walnut. We sat and waited for less than a minute before the door opened again. A woman who looked to be just over thirty entered the room and walked briskly toward Dad.
Holding out her hand she said, “Mr. and Mrs. Crane, I’m Dr. Sheila Livingston and I’ll be the person treating Cindy during her stay with us, and this must be Cindy?” she asked, turning to face me.
“Yes,” I blushed.
“No need to feel shy, Cindy, we’ll become friends in almost no time at all. Most of what we do here won’t hurt a bit, and what little does, won’t bother a strong girl like you. Why don’t we go back into my office and chat a bit and then we’ll get Cindy checked in to the clinic? Her room will be here so she won’t be having any interaction with other patients but since she will only be here for three days she won’t miss out on much.”
We walked to Dr. Livingston’s office and it was as opulent as the lobby. The only difference was the presence of her desk near an outside window. There were three chairs in front of her desk.
“Cindy, why don’t you sit here,” pointing to the middle chair, “and your mother and father can sit on each side of you.”
We sat and looked at Dr. Livingston waiting for her to continue.
“Now, we all know Cindy is here to start her hormone course and it is one that will continue for the rest of her life because she doesn’t have the right plumbing to produce the proper hormones herself. After puberty is complete, she will go on maintenance so she will always have her feminine appearance. During the initial process she will have to be monitored every six months, which can be done when she returns for her appointment. The unfortunate part of that is you will have to return here for tests every time the implant is replaced. Cindy will become a test subject for us and with her help we might be able to recommend hormone therapy to younger individuals rather than waiting for them to mature into someone they don’t want to be. Do you have any questions so far?”
“You mentioned an implant?” Mom asked.
“Yes, what we propose is inserting an hormonal implant in Cindy’s arm rather than having her take pills and injections during the maturation process. The implant will allow the hormones to go directly into her circulatory system rather than having to be digested and possibly do harm to her liver. An important side effect is that the hormones will be released all the time without having a jump with each dose.”
“Will it hurt her?”
“Just a little when we implant it. After she has it for a while, she’ll forget it’s even there,” she said, pointing at my arm.
Dr. Livingston had a kind face and lovely voice, but her bedside manner needed some repair. I was beginning to feel like an apple or orange rather than a girl who had come to her for help. The way she expressed herself was so impersonal, almost like discussing the rebuild of a car. I guess she didn’t want to become attached to her special patients, but I missed the care I received from my old doctor.
“What will happen after the implant?” Mom asked.
“The first noticeable change will be growth. Cindy will start to grow to her adult height.”
“How tall will she be? My husband is six-two and I kind of thought Ted and, well, Marcus would be taller than him?”
“Fortunately or unfortunately in Cindy’s case it doesn’t work that way. To be perfectly honest with you we have no idea of how tall she will be. You’re quite short, I’m guessing around five foot-one, but we have no idea of what part of your gene pool was passed on to Cindy, and we still have no idea of what the estrogen will do to that pool. The gene you passed on could have been one that will stop her growth at five-one or you might have passed on something altogether different. Only time will give us that answer.”
“She won’t be a six foot woman, will she?”
“I can’t answer that question. Hormones are something we know much about, but not everything, like how her height will be selected and other things that might be influenced by puberty. We can’t even be sure what genes you passed during conception. The height gene you passed could have come from your father or grandfather, or your mother for that matter, and until Cindy has completed her journey we won’t know.”
“If her brother grows to be six foot three, will she also?”
“As I stated, we won’t know until her journey is finished and that’s why Stanford is taking a very large interest in Cindy. We get to make a case study on the impact hormones make in a child Cindy’s age and the effect on her genes. We also want to study the effect they might have on her mental health. If she didn’t want to become a girl and she suddenly changed her mind with the introduction of hormones it would be something we would want to pursue a study about.”
“When will you be implanting the hormones?”
“Today, if you’d like. She will have to remain here for several days to be sure the implant is providing the proper dose and she will also have her first mental examination. You will have to return every six months to replace the hormones and she will also have her mental examination at the same time. I know this sounds rather cold, but it won’t be after we get started. I’m sure Cindy will become fond of her new adventure and we will become friends.”
I listened to every word as Mom and the doctor laid out the rest of my life. Did I really want what was going to happen to me? I couldn’t be sure but I had to admit I liked being a girl. If you had asked me that three years ago I would have thought you were nuts, me a girl and liking it, not hardly.
“Cindy, you’ve heard what we’ve said. Are you ready for your first implant?”
“I guess,” I answered with trepidation.
“Good, the sooner the better,” the doctor said. “Come with me and we’ll give you a physical, your implant and get you settled in your room. Mrs. Crane, will you come with us?”
Mom joined me and we were led to a small room where the exam would take place. I had had physicals before, but this one was so much more thorough than the ones for school. I was measured and poked, felt in places no one but me should touch and finally we were finished.
“I have to draw Cindy’s blood so we have a base line to compare the hormones to and then I’ll implant the hormone.”
“Ouch,” I exclaimed when the lab technician stuck the needle in my arm for the blood. She took five vials and labeled them.
“This won’t take long Cindy, maybe a half of an hour and then I’ll do the implant. Would you like to read anything while I’m gone?” the doctor asked.
“May I read the TEEN magazine?” I asked, noticing the headline about how to apply makeup. Since I was going to become a real girl I might as well learn things my mother hadn’t taught me yet.
“The half of an hour…..” became forty minutes and every one of them felt like an hour long before the doctor returned to my room with a syringe.
“Your blood work is normal, Cindy and now your big moment has arrived. It’s time for you to become a young lady.”
I looked at the needle and wondered if I was doing the right thing. Oh, I wanted the implant, but I didn’t realize just how big the needle would be. The doctor saw the look of concern on my face and smiled.
“Don’t worry sweetheart, it will only hurt for a second and then it will be all over with.”
The nurse swabbed the inside of my upper arm with alcohol or whatever they use and stepped back allowing the doctor to take my arm in her hand.
“Look the other way sweetie,” she said.
I did and the sneak pushed the needle in my arm. It felt like she drove a truck into it, I shrieked in pain. I vowed I wouldn’t cry, after all little boys don’t cry, but damn it I’m not a little boy anymore so the tears escaped my eyes.
After the pain passed I was led to my room. I still had the hospital gown on and wondered if I would have to wear it the whole time I was at Stanford.
“Nurse, will I have to wear this all the time?” pointing at the gown.
“No, Cindy, you can change into civilian duds if you like. Think of this as more of a vacation than a hospital stay. You won’t be needed until tomorrow morning for your mental exam and after that we’ll keep you here for another two days for blood work. After that you can go home.”
Mom and Dad spent the rest of the day with me and brought me out to dinner in nearby Palo Alto. The food was incredible and I know I ate too much. Mom warned me that I would have to watch what I ate now that I was going to go through puberty. Girls she explained gain weight more easily than boys, which made Dad laugh.
“What’s so funny?” I asked defensively.
“I get to eat all I want and you’ll turn into a hippo if you do,” he laughed.
“Maybe not,” I responded. I think Dad had one too many cocktails.
“We’ll see.”
“Honey, you and I will watch our weight together. Let the men make pigs of themselves.”
“Thanks Mom.”
Mom and Dad were staying at a nearby hotel so they brought me back to the hospital and checked me back in. I spent a few hours watching TV and then went to bed. I know I had weird dreams but I couldn’t remember any of them.
The nurse woke me at eight with breakfast.
“Good morning sweetheart, ready for another boring day?” she asked, with a chuckle.
“Yes I guess. I wish I could go home. I miss my friends.”
“It will just be a few more days and today is the only one that you’ll have to be here all day. Tomorrow you can go with your parents after we draw some blood and you’ll be going home the day after that.”
“Thank God.”
I ate my breakfast and dressed. At least I didn’t have to wear that horrible gown the hospital provides but then why would I? The only thing I’m here for is the implant and I already had that. I wondered about today, what would I be tested for now?
I was brought to a small office that looked more like a living room than an office. A woman about thirty-five years old greeted me. She had dark hair and a nice smile. Her voice was pleasant when she spoke.
“Good morning Cindy, I’m Dr. Montgomery, but you can call me Anne.”
“Good morning, Anne.”
“Do you know why you’re here today?”
“No.”
“I’ve been asked to talk to you about how your life has been going since you became a girl. Would that be okay with you?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sure you’re wondering how I know you were once a boy. I work with the FBI and the witness protection group and especially children to be sure they’re adapting to their new identities. Yours is the first that I’ve had that included a change of sex so we’ll be doing this together and hopefully you will help me as much as I want to help you.”
“I hope so too.”
“Let’s get started. You’ve been a girl now for what, four years now?”
“I think that’s about right.”
“When this all started, why did you decide to be the one to become the girl?”
“Some one had to, so I volunteered.”
“But why you? Did you want to become a girl?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
“Because I knew Ted wouldn’t do it.”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
“Because we’re different. Sure we’re identical twins but we’re not exactly the same. When I was Marcus I would do things without thinking about what the result might be. Jump in and take the consequences. Ted, well…, he was Grady then, was different. He thought things through and sometimes couldn’t make a decision and I knew that’s the way it would be when we were asked to choose who would be a girl. Grady would still be thinking about what to do.”
“So you did this to be a hero?”
“No, I did it because someone had to and I was strong enough to do it.”
“And how do you feel about your decision?”
“I don’t mind. I kind of think of myself as a girl now.”
“Do you like being a girl?”
“Yes, very much.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s not having to prove something all the time.”
“Prove something?”
“Yes. I remember when I was Marcus, I was always trying to prove I was better than Grady. I’m sorry, but it’s easier for me to call Ted, Grady, when we were living in New Jersey and Ted since I became Cindy. At the time I thought we were just goofing around, but one of us always had to win. I was faster or he was faster, I could hit the ball better than him or he would hit better than me. Now I don’t really care. Some days I hit a baseball better than Ted but it doesn’t matter to me. I love the game and not so much showing him up. I still tease him though if I do better,” I giggled.
“I’m surprised because you’re still twins only you’ve begun to travel a different road.”
“I still feel pretty much the same as when I was a boy, it’s just that I feel different at times. Grady and I still wrestle but I don’t seem to like it as much as I once did. I didn’t think things would change when we started this, but now I like wearing dresses and being a girl at times. My best friend Shannon says I’m too girly at times, but I like being that way. When I dress for church I feel pretty, I feel special. It’s different for boys. They wear a suit, but would rather be wearing jeans and a T-shirt. They still mess around, pushing and shoving each other running here and there not caring if they get dirty. When I’m dressed for church I’m usually wearing white hose and white shoes and a dress with lacy fringe around the top and bottom. I hate it when Grady touches me because I don’t want his finger prints on my clothes.”
“Maybe you would have been the same even if you didn’t become a girl.”
“No way. I would have been worse than Ted. I would have been dirtier and would have pushed harder. That’s the way I was.”
“What made you change?”
“I’m not sure? I know being a girl had something to do with it. For some reason, I didn’t feel I had to prove something. Shannon opened my eyes to that. I remember when we first started playing soccer together, even though I was supposed to be a girl, I played like a boy. I wanted to kick the ball harder and farther than her and, try as I may, I couldn’t do it. She could see the look in my eyes, the pissed off little boy look. She asked what my problem was and I admitted to wanting to beat her. Why she had asked? That’s the way it was with Ted and me, I said. She took my hands and said, “girls don’t act that way”. We help each other. Do you know why I kicked the ball farther than you? I told her I didn’t. Because you’re doing it all wrong and she proceeded to show me the right way to kick the ball. After that moment, I listened to what people told me and didn’t worry about being better than them. I liked the way I felt and made me wonder if maybe I wanted to be a girl for other reasons than hiding from the mob.”
“Other reasons?”
“Yes. When this started, I was trained to act like a girl and succeeded, even fooling Shannon. It was all an act, but as I spent time with Shannon things changed. I liked being a girl, and as time progressed being a girl became second nature. I saw the way Ted and the other boys acted and I just couldn’t bring myself to be like them. Now I have two very close girlfriends, Shannon and Alexis. We do everything together and tell each other our closest secrets. They’re secrets only girls tell each other. I know Ted doesn’t say things I do. We’re still brothers, well, brother and sister and even we don’t have secrets like Shannon and Alexis and I do. To be honest with you, I’m glad I’m going to become a woman. I don’t think Ted knows what he’s missing, not that he’d want to know.”
“I must say Cindy, you seem very well adjusted to what you’re going through.”
“Truth?”
“Truth.”
“When this started, I thought I would hate it. Every day during training I would tell myself it was for the family. Mom, Dad, and Grady would die if I didn’t finish what I started. I hated the clothes and what they were doing with my hair and most of all I hated looking like a girl. It was after we moved and I met Shannon that I changed. We became best friends and I discovered she was more of a boy than I was. She was faster and stronger and yet she could be a girl and play with dolls. That’s when I started to be myself. I looked like a girl and as time went by I acted like a girl. Even though Shannon is a tomboy she still moved like a girl and I was soon moving just like her. If I was still a boy and moved the way I do now, I’m sure I would have the crap beaten out of me. Guys don’t like boys that act like girls.”
“I guess they don’t, or so I’ve heard. Let’s talk a little more about what you expect to happen from now on.”
“What I expect?”
“Yes, you have an implant that will make you become a woman if you don’t change your mind. You can still go back to being a boy at this point if that’s your wish.”
“I don’t want to. My girlfriends and I are excited about what we’re going to go through.”
“Do they know you’re a boy?”
“No.”
“Well, I’m sure they will never find out unless you tell them.”
“I’d never do that. I’m a girl already and I hope they never find out who I was.”
“You’ll be safe, Cindy. You’re going to be a very pretty woman which brings us to another problem.”
“What’s that?”
“Boys. How do you feel about boys?”
”Boys?”
“Yes, boys, you know those funny little things that seem to bother girls your age?”
“They don’t really bother me that much, but maybe because I was born a boy and I know how they are.”
“I notice you said how they are. What do you mean by that?”
“I’m a girl now but I remember how I felt when I was a boy. Girls were things to be teased, but now that I’m a girl, I don’t understand why boys do what they do.”
“What do they do?”
“Make fools of themselves.”
“I see. You know your feelings about boys will most likely change as you continue down the road you’re on. Boys aren’t going to seem so foolish, but only time will tell about that. Don’t be surprised if you come to see me and can’t stop talking about some boy that makes your stomach feel as though it’s full of butterflies.”
“Eeew, no way.”
Anne smiled a funny smile when I said that.
“I remember when I was your age and felt the same way. Boys were the creatures from the swamp and smelled just as bad. I think my girlfriends and I must have used the ‘eeew’ word as often as any other word in the dictionary. By the time I was fourteen, they were no longer swamp things but something else, and I’ll leave it at that. What I’m saying is that your hormones will do many wonderful things to you and not all of it will be noticeable. I think this will be enough for today, but I’d like to see you again next time you come in for your hormone replacement. You’re a lovely girl Cindy and I think you’ll do fine with what you’re going through.”
“Thank you Anne.”
I left the doctors office and went back to the waiting room to find my parents and go home. It had been a long several days and I could hardly wait to see Shannon and Alexis.
Chapter Nine
As soon as we entered the house, I brought my things to my room, put everything away and announced I was going over to Shannon’s.
“It’s almost dinner time, so don’t be too long,” Mom said.
“Yes Mom.”
I had changed into shorts and a sleeveless blouse and the warm summer air felt good against my skin. I was dying to find out everything that happened since I was gone. At that moment I realized just how much of a girl I had become. Boys would race to see their friends and play another game of ball not caring what happened to anyone else unless a boy was to get into a fight and all that mattered was who won. We girls were different. We had to know what each other did every second from the time we left until we returned. Who got new clothes and who was angry with whomever and such and such liked some boy now. It would take hours to learn everything I had missed in a few days.
Shannon hugged me when she opened the door.
“God girlfriend, I missed you,” she screamed.
“I missed you too. What did I miss? Tell me everything.”
And she did. Shannon showed me her new cell phone and called Alexis, placing the call on speaker so we could all tell each other everything we had done the previous days. We giggled and acted like typical eleven-year-old girls. The world was right again.
The next few weeks went by without incident. The hormones didn’t make me grow boobs overnight, nor did they make my ass bigger. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel any changes at all. However, after about a month, I did feel something, my legs hurt.
“Mom,” I said, several days after I noticed the pain. “My legs hurt.”
“Show me where?”
“Right here,” I answered pointing to my calves.
“Did you fall and bruise yourself?”
“No, they just kind of ache.”
“Both legs?”
“Yes.”
“It sounds to me like growing pains. Pain like that usually indicates you’re beginning to grow.”
“Has Ted begun to grow too?”
“He hasn’t said anything, but girls usually start to grow taller before boys do.”
“I’m going to be taller than Ted?”
“Until he begins to grow and then we’ll see.”
“God I so love this. I’ll be able to beat him up.” I laughed.
“None of that, young lady. There’ll be no beating anyone up, especially your brother.”
“Yes Mom.”
Over the next months we found Mom was right, they were growing pains. I grew like a weed, Mom’s words. I added to my height about an inch a month. I had started at four foot six and by the time school started I was four foot eight.
I still was playing baseball and seemed to get better as I grew. Shannon and I practiced soccer almost every day and my skills were improving to the extent that I was almost as good as Shannon. Oh, by the way, Shannon is starting to grow breasts. She first noticed when we were playing a friendly game of soccer and the ball was kicked into her chest. You’d have thought someone had shot her from the scream she let out.
“My God Cindy, my chest,” she moaned as tears filled her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“My nipple hurts.”
Shannon and I have been best friends for three years and she had never complained about pain when she was trapping the ball with her chest or any other part of her body. What could be different now?
I looked at her chest and noticed her nipples were pushing her shirt out more than usual, and not just the one that had been struck by the ball.
“Shannon, your chest looks swollen.”
“It’s not, my nipples are just pushing it out.”
“They never did that before.”
“They always do that when it’s cold.”
“Shannon, it’s ninety degrees. You’d better have your mother look at them,” I said.
Her mother did and the next day Shannon was the proud wearer of a brand new training bra. She could hardly wait to tell me she was growing breasts.
Well guess what? I didn’t start to grow breasts despite what I thought with the hormones and all. Yep, I was still growing like a weed and had Ted by four inches. He was not happy that his sister was now beginning to tower over him. I was still on the all-stars baseball team and we were going to play in the championship game in October. As much as I loved baseball, I would be glad to see the season end. Playing two sports at the same time, soccer and baseball was becoming too much for me. Luckily we only practiced soccer twice a week and Dad being the baseball coach cut me some slack as far as practice was concerned. By the way, I’m now the fastest runner on the team. I think all my growth has gone to my legs because I seem to be running faster than before. Poor Ted hates that I can easily beat him now when we race.
Good news, we won the championship games, two out of three. I pitched and hit a home run in one game and hit almost five hundred for the tournament. My growth spurt has made me a better player.
Soccer is also going well. Shannon and I are on the same team, but this year Alexis was drafted by another coach so the three of us are no longer playing together. AYSO is like that. At least we’ll be together when the select season starts. I forgot, Alexis is also wearing a bra, God I wonder how much longer it will be before I wear one too?
I think the hormones are affecting my brain. When school started, we had a new addition to our class, twins, identical boys from Minnesota. Unlike Ted and I they have blonde hair and blue eyes. Even though Ted and I are identical, we obviously can’t say anything, and beside who would believe us now. I’m four inches taller than Ted and all he does is whine that he hasn’t started growing.
Ted and his friends hang with Anders and Erik being boys and all and they seem to be nice enough, for boys. Who’d have thought something like that would come out of my mouth?
I’m still growing and it’s November. I go back to Stanford for a new implant next month and I’ll have to ask the doctor why I’m not growing breasts yet. Both Shannon and Alexis have graduated to real bras and it’s obvious why, they look like curvy girls and I still look like a beanpole.
Shannon’s growth seems to have slowed while mine is full steam ahead. Her mother is only five two so she probably won’t be much taller than that. My mom is only five one, but I have a feeling I’ll be passing her any day. I’m only about an inch shorter than her now, but still skinny.
Shannon and my soccer team haven’t lost a game yet. I play right wing and she plays striker in the middle. I’ve learned to use my left foot almost as well as my right so coach has mentioned that he might play me on the left for the rest of the season. I think I mentioned that Shannon was a faster runner than me and she was until lately. I don’t know if she’s slowing or I’m just running faster what with my long legs and all. It could be too that Shannon is not quite as fast now that she’s definitely getting some shape.
“Cindy, did you notice Darren staring at me today?” she asked, as we walked home from school.
“Yeah, I kind of did. It was pretty obvious,” I giggled.
“Why?”
“Come on Shannon, he likes you. You’re very pretty so why wouldn’t he notice?”
“I don’t know? It’s kind of creepy but I liked it.”
“I’m not sure how I would feel if a boy stared at me. Boys kind of creep me out. All they are is rude and dirty, yuk.”
“You must like someone?”
“Not really. Boys are boys and I live with one so I know how they can be.”
“Ted? He’s cute and all the girls have a crush on him, even me,” she blushed.
“Ted, Ewww.”
“Come on Cindy, I wouldn’t expect you to crush on Ted, after all he’s your brother, but even you have to admit he’s cute.”
“Shannon, I don’t think any boy is cute, especially my brother. I think you’d better have your eyes checked.”
We started laughing at that and realized why I love Shannon so much; we shared everything, even her crush on my brother.
“I don’t know if I should say anything because I promised not to, but Katie told me Anders, one of the twins, was asking about you.”
“Anders? Why would he ask about me?”
“Because you’re the prettiest girl in school.”
“No I’m not.”
“You are Cindy. I think you’re the only one not to know it. You’re so wrapped up in your sports that you haven’t looked in the mirror lately. You’re beautiful.”
“I’m not.”
“You are Cindy, you just don’t see it.”
We reached our homes and Shannon followed me into our house. It was our custom to go to each other’s homes after school and study, gossip and drink a soda or juice. Today was my turn and tomorrow would be hers. I personally liked going to her house better because her mother makes the most awesome chocolate chip cookies and I don’t gain an ounce of fat when I eat them.
“What do you want to drink?” I asked Shannon.
“I’ll have some of that apple juice your mom bought from the roadside fruit stand when we were on our way back from soccer.”
“That sounds good, I will too.”
I walked to the refrigerator and took out the gallon container of juice and poured two glasses full of the juice. It was the best apple juice I had ever had to drink. It was unfiltered and kind of cloudy but oh so sweet. I put the juice away and we continued our discussion.
“Was Anders really asking about me?” I asked, wondering why I would ask a question like that.
“He really was. I think he has a crush on you. Do you like him?”
I felt my face turn red as I blushed at the thought of some boy liking me.
“I don’t know. I really hadn’t thought about a boy liking me.”
”But do you like him? It’s funny but I’ve started feeling differently about boys. Were still only eleven and I’m sure my mother wouldn’t let me go to a movie with a boy, but, I don’t know, I just feel different.”
“I think I know what you mean, boys don’t seem so yucky anymore. They still do the same things and seem so immature at times but for some reason it doesn’t bother me as much as it did.”
“Oh well enough of the boys. We’d better do our homework or our grades might suffer. If I get so much as one B my parents will kill me,” Shannon laughed.
Chapter Ten
It was the middle of December and time to return to Stanford for another implant. The only thing I had noticed since my first implant was my growth. I was now a quarter of an inch over five foot. Mom was five one so I guess I’ll be passing her by in a month or two and Dad will be the only one taller than me. I wish I was growing somewhere else though. Half of the girls in my class were wearing bras now and I hadn’t even started to grow there. I hope the hormones weren’t going to make me tall and skinny with no shape. If that were the case, when I turn fourteen and they want to make me a complete girl, I might not do it. Who wants to be a girl that looks like a boy?
We were leaving Saturday morning for the Bay area as my appointment was for one PM and it only takes three hour to drive to the hospital. I packed a skirt and blouse for later and decided to wear a pair of white shorts for the trip to Stanford. I might add that as of late my clothes seemed to have gotten a little tight around my hips but looking in the mirror I still looked as boney as ever. I hadn’t worn the shorts I picked since before my hormone treatments started and although they were a little tight at that time I thought they would still fit. I pulled them up my legs and noticed they were difficult to slid over my hips. After they slid into place, I tried to button the top button. After a minute of grunting and hopping from one foot to the other I finally got the button fastened above my hipbone. The zipper was a different story. There was no way it would slide more than two inches closed.
“Mom,” I yelled out my door. “I need help.”
Mom entered my room and asked, “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I can’t zip up my shorts.”
Mom looked at me and snickered.
“My, my, it looks like you’re getting hips. Try laying on your back on the bed and see if that will work?”
I did as she asked and was barely able to close the zipper. I felt like I was being squeezed to death.
“Mom, my shorts will tear if I sit up,” I lamented. They also showed something a little girl shouldn’t have.
“Honey, change into your jeans. You’ve grown out of those shorts and we’ll have to go shopping for new clothes. You’re becoming a young woman.”
I changed out of my shorts and into my jeans. Even those were becoming increasingly tight. The change had been so gradual I hadn’t noticed it. I just wish I had some change on my chest, oh well.
My visit to the hospital was much easier this time. My appointment was at one in the afternoon and was brought right in to see my doctor.
“Hello Cindy, how are you feeling?” Dr. Livingston asked, when she entered the room.
“Umm, okay.”
“You look as though you’ve had a growth spurt. Why don’t you step on the scale and I’ll measure your height.”
I stepped on the scale and Dr. Livingston pulled the measuring pole up and extended the rod to touch my head.
“My you have grown, you’re almost five one. Have you been eating properly? You only weigh ninety two pounds.”
“I eat all the time.”
“I guess you’re going to be one of those girls who don’t gain a pound, you’re lucky. Let me take some measurements and then we’ll take some blood.”
The doctor measured me everywhere, my neck and chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, and feet. Lastly she measured my arms. When she was done she brought over the dreaded needle to take blood samples.
“Relax for a few minutes and you can get dressed. I’m going to send these to the laboratory to make sure your hormones are balanced and then I’ll insert your implant. Do you have any questions for me?”
“Umm, well I was wondering, when will I grow breasts? My girlfriends are already wearing bras and I still don’t have anything on my chest.”
Dr. Livingston smiled; wow, I didn’t know she could do that.
“Cindy every girl goes through puberty differently. Some grow breasts first thing; I’m sure you have friends that look like they’re too young because of their height to have breasts. Those are usually the girls that won’t grow tall, some being less than five feet. In your case, you’ll be one of the tall girls. All your energy is going toward your height but don’t worry, when your growth slows you’ll start developing elsewhere. Puberty is a slow long-term process. Nothing happens overnight and I can’t tell you when you’ll start other development. Have you noticed that your hips are growing?”
“Yes, I had to change my clothes because my shorts were too tight.”
“That’s your pelvis growing. Girls and boys have different skeletons and yours is developing like a girl should. The reason your pelvis is growing is that your body is readying itself for childbirth.”
For some reason my eyes filled with tears when she said that.
“But I won’t be able to have babies,” I sniffed.
“No you won’t, but your body doesn’t know that. When the time comes, you’ll be able to adopt the perfect little baby you want. I’ll be right back.”
The doctor left the room and I dressed and waited for her return. The time alone gave me time to think about why I had almost started to cry. My girlfriends and I had talked about having babies when we got older; girls do that sort of thing. I knew I was still a boy, but even boys were able to have babies of their own even though it was the mother that carried the baby until it was born. I would never be able to do what the other girls did, carry a baby in my body. If I decide to become a complete girl I won’t even be able to be a father. Was that something I wanted? I had grown to love being a girl, but did I love it enough to want to become a woman?
This whole thing started as part of witness protection and I volunteered to look like a girl until the danger had passed. I thought it would be for a few years and I could return to being Marcus. How hard would it be to wear a dress every now and then? I said I would do it and I never go back on my word so I started to live as Cindy. I really don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t what I thought. At first I thought I would be a girl only part time, you know only when I was seen in public but was told that wouldn’t work. I had to be a girl all the time. Hey, I’m a tough guy and I can handle that, what could possibly happen?
Shannon, that’s what. She obviously thought I was a girl and was moving in across the street from her, which meant instant best friend. She was right and we bonded from the very first day. Shannon isn’t a girly girl, nor am I, which made being a girl much easier for me. Knowing nothing about being a girl other than what my handlers had taught me made me seem like I had been raised in a cave as far as Shannon was concerned. Why didn’t I have a special bear? Shannon gifted me one of hers and now I love my bear to pieces. It took a year of being around Shannon before I started to change. I no longer thought of myself as being a boy, but her best girlfriend. I knew I was still Marcus under my long hair and clothing; I was reminded every night when I went to bed and saw my boy parts. I didn’t hate them but they felt out of place for some reason. After the second year, I all but forgot I was ever a boy. I had assimilated into girlhood and as much as I hated to admit it, I no longer wanted to be a boy. There wasn’t anything I wasn’t able to do that a boy did. I played ball, I got dirty, and I cussed with the best of them, my brother included. One minute I was running faster than any of the boys and the next playing with Shannon and telling each other our most intimate secrets. I loved the softer side of being a girl.
I thought of Ted and how even after we spent time with his friends he would still strut like a rooster. He could never let down the wall of masculinity. I on the other hand would play just as rough as the boys and when the games were over I could just be myself. I could laugh and giggle with my friends, talk about school and trying for good grades and realize I could do it without feeling the need to impress. I was beginning to feel sorry for Ted to have to be a boy.
I wondered why then, that I had felt so sad when the doctor had mentioned that I was tricking my body into thinking it could give birth to children? I’m only eleven years old and we have already had sex education in school so I knew what took place as far as sex was concerned, but why did I feel so empty at the thought of never giving birth to my own child? As hard as I tried, I couldn’t keep a tear from running down my cheek.
Dr. Livingston returned and noticed the redness in my eyes.
“What’s wrong Cindy?” she asked.
“It’s nothing,” I answered.
“Pretty girls like you don’t cry for nothing.”
“I wasn’t crying.”
“Your eyes say something different. You can tell me what’s bothering you, or if you’d like you can tell your mental therapist.”
“I think I’ll talk to her.”
“I have your new implant. After analyzing your hormone levels, we tweaked them a little and I think you will be happy with what we did. It won’t be long before you are wearing a bra like your friends. Let me see your arm.”
The doctor pushed the large needle into my arm and inserted the implant. God it hurt, making my eyes fill with tears.
“There done. You’re a brave girl Cindy. Your appointment is right after you leave here so you might as well be on your way. I’ll see you next June.”
I joined my parents and brother in the waiting room.
“I’m supposed to see Anne Montgomery now,” I said.
“That’s what Dr. Livingston said when she returned with your implant. We’d better hurry so we can drive home tonight,” Dad said.
Dr. Montgomery’s office was in a building near where we were, so we walked to keep the appointment. Entering the office the receptionist greeted us with a smile.
“Cindy, it’s good to see you again,” she gushed. “Come right in.”
I wondered how she remembered my name but then knew she had a list of patients on her computer screen. She showed me to Dr. Montgomery’s office, led me in, left and closed the door. Less than a minute later Dr. Montgomery entered the room. She held my file in her hand.
“Hello Cindy, it’s nice to see you again,” she said.
“Hi Dr. Montgomery.”
“Remember, call me Anne.”
“I’m sorry Anne.”
“Honey, it’s okay. This shouldn’t take too long so we might as well get right to it. How have you been feeling? Any concerns?”
“Umm, I don’t know?”
“Surely there must be something. Dr. Livingston called and said you had been crying?”
“I guess.”
“Would you like to tell me why you were crying?”
“It was nothing, just some silly thoughts.”
“Cindy, nothing is silly to me. I have to know what’s going on with you in order to better understand what you’re going through. Now what made you cry?”
My eyes filled with tears again as I thought of how to express my feelings about not being able to have children and not sound like a fool.
“I was thinking about when I got older and whether what I’m doing is the right thing? If I become a woman, I won’t be able to have children.”
“And what makes you think that?”
“You know all about me and know I can’t have them.”
“But you can. Adoption is available to you so why couldn’t you adopt?”
“I could, but I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I’m tricking my body into thinking it can have a baby, but I can’t have one. If I go back to being a boy at least I could have a child.”
“Is that what you’re worried about, not being able to carry your own baby?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Have you thought that if you were a man and had a baby you wouldn’t give birth either? Your wife would do the hard work. Basically all you would do is contribute the sperm and after the egg is fertilized you’ve done your part. Is it that important to you that your baby has your DNA?”
“No, it’s just that I feel as though I would be missing something. I don’t even know why I thought about it?”
“It could be the hormones you’re taking. I’m not sure how much Dr. Livingston explained to you about the effects of hormones, but they do more than change your body. They change your brain too. I think the reason you have thoughts like this is because the hormones awaken a need to have a baby. Girls or boys don’t just wake up one day and say I want to go to bed with a boy. Hormones do that to you because humans and other animals need to mate to reproduce. You’re becoming a young lady and it’s natural to want to have a baby inside of you, it’s part of becoming a woman. We both know you’ll never be able to carry a baby, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mother. Many women who have babies aren’t good mothers and from what I know about you, you’ll be a good a good mother. You have feelings for others that speak for themselves. I can already see the soccer mom in you,” she laughed. “Other than these feelings, is there anything else?”
“Well, yes, I want breasts.”
“Cindy, every girl your age wants breasts. Don’t worry, you’ll get them, remember you’re only eleven years old and they can’t be that far away. You do know what breasts are for don’t you?”
“Yes, they’re to feed my baby.”
“That’s right; now if you were fourteen and had still not started breast growth then maybe we would have something to worry about. Do you have a boyfriend?”
“EEEww no.”
“Then you don’t like boys?”
“No, I kind of like them a little. A boy at school has asked about me.”
“Who’s that?”
“Anders. He’s one of the new twins at my school.”
“How do you feel about him?”
“I don’t know. I guess he’s kind of cute. I really haven’t talked to him. My brother Ted hangs out with both the twins. They play soccer but then so does almost every other kid in my school, especially the boys. Anders is pretty good.”
“So, you’ve been watching him?”
“I guess a little. It doesn’t matter, it’s not like my Mom would let me go on a date.”
“Really, do you want to go on a date?”
“No,” I blushed.
“Your mother is right, you’re too young to be dating. Now is there anything else?”
“I like who I’ve become.”
“So can I assume you still want to be a girl?”
“More than anything.”
“I know it’s a little late, but if you could become a boy again would you, even after tricking your body?”
“Heavens no. I was being selfish and having a pity party for myself and you’re right about adopting a baby. I’d have my choice of babies.”
“See, I knew you’d feel this way after thinking of a man’s role in childbirth. That’s all for today. You seem to be a very well-adjusted young woman Cindy. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks Anne, see you next time.”
I returned to my parents and we walked to the car and the long drive home.
Chapter Eleven
The next few weeks passed quickly and Christmas was upon us. Ted and I could hardly wait for Christmas morning to open our gifts. The nearer Christmas came, the closer he and I became.
“What do you think Mom and Dad will get us this year?” I asked.
“I’ve left enough hints for a Gameboy that if I don’t get one I’ll probably shoot myself,” he laughed.
“I’d rather have clothes.”
“Clothes? Now I know you really are a girl. Give me toys and games, I can get clothes anytime.”
“I need them I’ve grown out of most of what I have and being a girl is a lot different than being a boy. All you need is a couple of pairs of jeans and clean T-shirts and you’re set. Girls wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same things over and over again, we co-ordinate.”
“What’s that?”
“Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. We like to look put together is all I’m saying.”
“I look put together.”
“Give me a break Ted. The only time anything matches on you is when we go to church or you wear your baseball uniform.”
“I don’t care, give me a game and I’ll let you waste your money on clothes.”
This is the way it went every day until Christmas. Christmas morning we did the usual, snuck to the tree and looked to see what Santa had brought during the night. Mom and Dad finally got out of bed and joined us so we could open presents. Ted got his game and one extra, an X box with games. His eye lit up when he opened the present containing the X box. I on the other hand received clothing, thank God. Mom and Dad are pretty good about spending the same amount on both of us and they didn’t disappoint. I must have gotten twenty new outfits with gift certificates for new shoes. I couldn’t wait to show Shannon.
Living across the street from each other meant we could spend time running back and forth to each other’s house and model what we each had gotten for Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas I had ever had.
The new year came and went as did the months of January, February, and March.
Baseball season started half way through March with practice, as the season was going to begin the first week of April. I had grown another three inches and was now taller than my Mom. Practice went well and I still was the best batter on the team.
There was also a new development with my body, as I said, I’m now five three and still growing but something else is happening. My nipples are itching like crazy and I swear my butt isn’t as boney as it was. My doctor had mentioned that my pelvis was growing to be able to have babies but my hips were still boney. My pelvis stuck out and I looked malnourished. Now those bones are disappearing and I do look better. I’ll have to ask Mom or Shannon what’s going on.
News flash, Alexis has a boyfriend, well at school anyway. Erik, one of the twins asked her to go steady and gave her his ring to wear around her neck. They look good together, well kind of, she’s taller than me and he’s an inch or two taller than my brother. Oh, one more thing, Ted has growing pains so I guess it won’t be long before he’s as tall as me.
It had been a week since the itching began and there seems to be no relief in sight. I figured I should say something to my mother.
“Mom, I’m having a problem,” I said one day as I walked into the kitchen to help with the dishes after dinner.
“What kind of problem could my sweet daughter possibly have?”
“My nipples are itching like crazy.”
She looked at me and smiled.
“It sounds as though your hormones are beginning to work. Your itching is the first indication that you’re finally growing breasts.”
“I am?” I squeaked.
“Yes baby, you are. It won’t be long before you’ll need a bra, young lady.”
“Cool.”
I’m still one of the best players on the baseball team but I don’t seem to be getting any faster. The other players, all boys, seem to be running faster and two have passed me, making me the fifth fastest runner on the team. I’ll just have to try harder. Another thing is happening too, my power is decreasing in relation to the other players. Ted and I were the best batters on the team and now he’s the best and I’m fourth best. I just don’t seem to have as much strength as I had before, or maybe the boys are getting stronger and I’m staying the same.
I talked to Shannon about it and asked her if she had any ideas about what I could do about my strength.
“Shannon, I’m worried. I seem to be losing my strength,” I said.
“Losing your strength?”
“Yes, I used to be stronger than the boys and now I’m only stronger than half of them. I’m worried that I won’t be able to play ball anymore.”
“You have been growing so maybe that’s the problem. Your muscles haven’t kept up with your growth.”
“What can I do? I love playing ball.”
“We can work out. It won’t hurt our soccer, that’s for sure.”
“When?”
“After school. We can start today.”
Shannon put together a workout routine, which involved mostly running. We didn’t have any weights so we did push-ups and pull-ups instead. Shannon’s mom had a few workout tapes and we used them also. The first week, we were so sore that we almost quit the whole thing but as we continued the pain diminished.
The workouts seemed to help on the field, as I wasn’t losing any more ground to the boys. I hoped my batting would improve, but it hasn’t, oh well.
Now the big news, I’m growing breasts. My nipples have been red and swollen as of late and I asked my mom about it and she smiled.
“It looks like it’s time for your fist bra,” she said, and hugged me.
“Finally,” I replied.
Mom and I went shopping for my first training bra. It was something every mother wanted to do with her daughter, buy her her first bra. It was an experience I would treasure for the rest of my life. I’m not going to go into everyday development. Anyone who has a daughter knows what we go through, the first bump that hurts like crazy, and the excitement of actual growth and having to buy a real bra. I loved every minute of it with the only question being how big will they be?
Ted and I have grown into a strained relationship. As I mentioned he’s started his growth spurt. I don’t know if he’s also starting puberty because we haven’t shared a bedroom since we were eight when I decided to become the girl in all of this. He has been growing, but I haven’t seen any pimples on his face to tell me he’s becoming a man.
We seem to be in each other’s face almost every day. God, he’s such a jerk. Ted has taken up swearing when our parents aren’t around and refers to me as bitch. Well actually he says I’m a bitch, which brings tears. He makes me so angry at times. If mom or dad heard him they would wash his mouth out with soap.
Ted’s grown a few inches, but being five three I tower over him. I thought I could best him when we got into a fight the other day and he grabbed my wrists and try as I may I couldn’t pull away from him. Up until several months ago it wouldn’t have been a problem, but now he’s stronger than me. I detected a triumphant gleam in his eyes as he held me fast.
“Stop, you’re hurting me,” I screamed. That only made him grip tighter.
“What are you two doing?” Mom yelled from the kitchen.
”Ted’s hurting me,” I responded.
“Ted, what are you doing to your sister?”
“I’m not hurting her, we’re just playing,” Ted said.
“He is too.”
“Ted, stop whatever you’re doing and both of you come in here.”
Ted let go of my wrists with a sneer and we walked into the kitchen.
“What’s going on with you two?” Mom asked, in a tone of voice that announced, “I’m not happy.”
“Ted was hurting me,” I whined.
“You started it,” he rebuked.
”Cause, you’re being a jerk.”
“Enough. Ted, you’re stronger than your sister and I don’t want you hurting her. Cindy, I know you think Ted is saying things you take personally, but it’s just your hormones making you think everything is about you. Unfortunately, you’ll be like this for quite a while but before you get angry at your brother walk away. I don’t want a repeat of this.”
“Sorry Mom,” Ted said.
“I’m sorry too, and I’m sorry Ted,” I said.
“Its okay, sis.”
That was the day I found out that my strength was not increasing as quickly as Ted’s. As Ted grew, so did his strength. I still had a height advantage but his muscles were developing much faster than mine. His puberty had started.
My breast development wasn’t what I thought it would be. My breasts were tiny cones, you could tell they were breasts, but very undeveloped. My hips on the other hand were doing just the opposite. I had to admit that I was more than pleased with the way my butt was rounding out.
Ted had several of his friends over one day and I walked from my room to the kitchen to get something to drink. They were laughing and talking like twelve year old boys do, crude and immature. Their conversation stopped as I walked down the hallway. The boys were Robbie, Mark, and Donovan, boys Ted had started hanging out with just recently. They were the bad boys, you know the kind, always in trouble and I didn’t like them.
“Damn, your sister has a fine ass,” I heard Donovan say.
I felt my face turning red as I blushed profusely. I had to admit to myself it made me feel good that at least part of me was attractive to boys. What I didn’t like was the sniggers and guffaws from the other boys, my brother included. I poured an orange juice and returned to my room.
Chapter Twelve
The school year had ended and I returned to Stanford for another implant. It only took four hours, including my mental exam. The doctors said they would be more thorough next visit and were pleased with my development into a woman.
This year, Ted and I started seventh grade. He was still hanging out with Robbie Mark and Donovan. He would spend time with the neighbor boys but for the most part he was turning into an asshole. Ted minded his business at home, but was like a different person at school.
When we were younger, before the murder incident Ted and I were inseparable. Everywhere he would go, I would too or vice versa. We were the two Musketeers. We had a brotherly rivalry but it was more to push each other to succeed rather than to out-do each other. Now things had changed. We were still identical twins but even that had changed, to be honest. I had become the girl I had pretended to be and Ted was becoming someone I didn’t know. We pretty much avoided each other but our parents seemed to try to avoid the deepening chasm between us. They were at a loss as to what they could do. I was a girl and he was a boy so they figured that was the problem. They hadn’t met his school chums and if they had they would have put their foot down and not allowed him to associate with the creeps.
Our next big blowout came two months after school had started. Alexis, Shannon, and I were joined at the hip but we still had time to gossip and hang with some of the other girls in our class. Even though we were best friends didn’t mean we were exclusive with our friendship. One of the girls in our class was Melisa Crowley. Melisa was one of those girls who started puberty just after her tenth birthday. She came from a family of big-breasted women and now at barely twelve her bras were a very solid C cup and she was still growing. None of the girls in our class had progressed beyond an A cup but two were ready to graduate up to the next size. Melisa isn’t a tall girl, barely touching five feet, but she’s very pretty. She’s also one of the sweetest girls in our class. She’s quiet and wouldn’t hurt a fly much less have a cross word for anyone. She tries to hide her breasts by slumping her shoulders hoping they don’t show too much, but all that does is garner attention to herself, which brings us back to Ted.
Ted and his merry band, well actually it’s Donovan’s band, since Ted was new to the group, had to prove his worth to remain as one of the members, approached Melisa at lunch. She had finished her lunch and stood to bring her tray to deposit it with the dishwasher. Ted approached her with the other three in tow.
“Melisa,” he said, causing her to turn to face him. “True or false,” he snickered, staring at her breasts. The rest of his gang broke into uncontained laughter.
Poor Melisa, her face turned red before she broke down into tears and ran from the room.
The bastards high fived each other and went out into the playground to find someone to bully. Their day wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t knock someone’s lunch to the ground.
I was never so ashamed of my brother than at that moment. I rose to go to him, but the bell rang signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of our next period.
I entered the classroom and found my desk. It was three over from Melisa’s. She sat with her head down, her eyes rimmed with red from crying. At that moment Ted entered the classroom with Robbie. Mark and Donovan were in eighth grade so they weren’t present. Ted looked at me and I gave him a look of hate he had never seen on my face before.
“What?” he mouthed.
I shifted my eyes toward Melisa and watched as he followed my gaze. All he did was smirk, the little bastard. God I hated my brother at that moment.
Class ended and I drifted toward Melisa.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Her chin quivered telling me she wasn’t.
“Why did your brother do that to me?” she asked, as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Because he’s an asshole,” I growled.
I gathered Melisa in my arms and held her while she sobbed. There was nothing I would be able to say that would take back the hurtful words Ted had said.
Our last subject was English, which our whole class shared. For some reason the school board thought seventh and eighth grades should change rooms like they do in high school to prepare us for when we actually went into the new school. There were two classes of seventh and eighth grade students so we had to change rooms. The class we were in was advanced English so some of the students left for remedial help, Robbie being one of them. Shannon, Alexis, and I were in all the advanced class, as was Ted. Without his friends backing him up now, his brashness seemed to dissipate.
Shannon walked on one side of Melisa and I walked on the other. We did everything we could to comfort her.
Finally her voice burst from her mouth, “I hate these, why can’t I be like everyone else?” she cried, pointing at her breasts, and dissolved into tears.
Shannon and I held her tight and comforted her until she stopped crying. Class was about to start and we would be late if we didn’t get to our desks. Melisa’s desk was next to mine so I was able to help her calm down, but it wasn’t easy. I would kill my brother when we got home; not really, but I he was in for the tongue lashing of his life.
School ended and Alexis, Shannon and I had soccer practice. There was only one soccer team this year. We noticed that as the girls grew older they seemed to lose interest in after-school sports as they discovered boys and makeup. We had discovered them too but we knew soccer and other interests would help us when we entered high school so we kept playing. After practice ended, Shannon’s father drove us home while Alexis rode home with her mother.
I walked through the front door and could hear Ted and his buddies laughing in his room. The laughter was like fingernails on a chalkboard and I felt my anger return with a vengeance. I was still in my soccer clothes, shorts, socks, shoes, and an old jersey from last year. I had grass stains on my knees and a smudge on my face but I didn’t care. Ted had to be put in his place.
I marched to Ted’s room and threw open the door. All the boys’ eyes focused on me when I entered the room. Mom was in the back yard and didn’t know I had arrived from practice so Ted knew he could say just about anything he wanted without my mother hearing.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?” he asked, to the snickering of his friends.
“Asking why you did what you did to Melisa? Do you have any idea of how cruel that was?”
“Hey, I had to know, true or false. There’s no way tits that big are real,” Ted laughed in concert with his disgusting friends.
“Well I hate burst your bubble but Melisa’s breasts are very real and what you said to her was just plain disgusting.”
“Well I hate to tell you this dear sister, but it’s none of your business and besides you certainly don’t have much to talk about,” he sneered, staring at my chest.
The slap came hard and fast. Ted’s head flew to the left with spit flying from his mouth while his friends looked on.
“Ouch,” he yelled.
“Don’t you ever say something like that to me again, Ted,” I screamed.
Ted looked back at me, tears filling his eyes. He couldn’t let his friends see him cry as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
Mom came rushing into the room, having heard the commotion all the way into the garden.
“What’s going on in here?” she asked before she saw the red handprint on Ted’s face.
“Cindy hit me,” he whined.
The other three boys shifted uneasily as they watched my mother begin shaking with anger.
“I think we’d better be going,” Donovan said.
“Yeah,” the other two replied in unison.
The boys lifted their worthless asses off the bed and filed from the bedroom without a word.
“My God Ted, let me see your face.”
Mom gently took his face in her hand and turned it back and forth looking at the mark I had created.
“Cindy, how could you do this to your brother?” she almost shouted.
“He deserved it Mother,” I spat, looking at Ted, making him squirm.
“What could he have done to justify slapping him like this?”
“He insulted me and he insulted one of my girlfriends, and his nasty little friends didn’t help the cause either.”
I told Mom what Ted had done at school and what he said to me when I confronted him about the hurt he had caused Melisa. I thought Mom would kill Ted after seeing her face turn to cold stone.
“How dare you say something like that, Ted? I thought your father and I raised you better than that? What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I was just fooling around. I didn’t mean anything by it,” he said in a whiney tone of voice.
“You didn’t mean anything? Do you know how hurtful your words were?”
“I was just kidding,” Ted groveled.
“You were kidding enough to have Melisa in tears,” I responded.
“What’s happening to you Ted? I’ve seen a big change in your behavior and would like to know why?”
“It’s his friends Mom. They’re creeps.”
“What do you mean by that young lady?”
“They’re the school bullies. All they do is cause trouble.”
“These are the boys you’re hanging out with?” Mom asked.
“They’re not creeps Mom. They’re fun.”
“Are they bullies?”
“No Mom, it’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like Ted?”
“Well, uhh, maybe we like bump into some kids, it’s mostly Donovan that does that.”
“What about you?”
“I don’t.”
“What’s your excuse for your behavior today?”
“We didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Whose idea was it to say such a cruel thing to that girl?”
“It was Donovan’s.”
“Why didn’t he say it instead of you?”
“Because he said I wasn’t doing enough to be in his club.”
“What club?”
“Just the four of us guys.”
“That’s not a club, Ted, that’s a clique and it sounds to me that this Donovan boy is nothing more than a bully. I don’t want you hanging around with him anymore.”
“But Mom…..”
“But nothing. I’ve seen the way you’ve been acting lately and I don’t like it. I thought it was because you’re starting puberty but it sounds more like it’s the influence this Donovan boy is having on you. Listen Ted, your father and I don’t want to tell you who you can and can’t play with, but in this case I don’t have a choice and after what I’ve seen today I think I’m right.”
“Now young lady, what Ted said to you was wrong, but that’s no excuse to hit him like you did. Look at the mark you left on his face. I don’t care what he said to you to make you do that.”
“I’m sorry Mom.”
“You should be apologizing to your brother, not me. I’m not the one who was slapped.”
The thought of telling my brother I was sorry turned my stomach. I waited for almost ten seconds before I issued the words I so despised.
“I’m sorry Ted,” I said softly.
“Ted?” Mom asked.
“I’m sorry too.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you two. You were so close and now you’re like strangers with each other. I can’t even begin to ask why?”
“It’s because Cindy’s different now. We were both boys but now she’s not. She’s a real girl Mom, not some guy trying to hide from a killer and I don’t know how to talk to her,” Ted said his eyes misting with tears.
“Well how do you think I feel? You never try to talk to me anymore. You ignore me at school and make fun of my friends. I still play baseball with you, but for some reason I’m not as good as I was before. You guys are improving and I’m staying the same. I was the best hitter on the team and now, I don’t know, it’s like I’m not as strong as I was. I love you Ted, but there are times you really hurt me, like today. I know I’m flat, do you think I like it? God, all my friends are growing at least a little and I’m not, or barely. All I’ve grown is up and not out. I’m a girl Ted and girls have feelings, just as you do. Maybe I’m more sensitive, I don’t know? It was everything I could do not to cry when you said what you did to me, but I wasn’t going to give you the satisfaction, that why I slapped you. I’m truly sorry for what I did to you and I hope you can forgive me?”
The misting in Ted’s eyes had turned to tears. My tough guy brother was crying. The worse thing though was I didn’t feel satisfied, I felt sick. I moved to my brother and took him in my arms and pulled him tight before the damn broke. I shook with the sobs, wondering how I could ever hate my brother, my identical twin?
Chapter Thirteen
Over the next month something wonderful happened. My breasts started growing, yea. Finally I could see something happening. Oh and I think my growth spurt has slowed down. I’m now five four and a half but the last inch and a half, have taken three months to take place. I was growing an inch a month until my last visit with the doctors. Hopefully this is an indication of my final height. I’d hate to grow to six foot two like my father and I’m sure Ted will be joining him at that height.
After the big blow out with Ted, he hasn’t been hanging with Donovan and his crew. Donovan gave him crap for being a pussy so Ted told him flat out if he wanted a black eye he’d better shut up. Donovan hasn’t bothered Ted since then.
Anders still seems interested in me and finally gathered the nerve to talk to me. He’s very shy. I’m still amazed at the difference between him and his brother. Alexis is still in love with Erik, well as much as a twelve-year-old girl can be. She’s not allowed to date so the only time they see each other is in school and then only in class and at lunch. They do hold hands and they make a very nice couple.
Anyway, back to Anders, like I said, he finally talked to me. With all the staring at me I was wondering if he was some kind of stalker?
We were at lunch one day sitting at our usual table. There was Shannon, Alexis, Erik, and Melisa, who joined us after the incident with Ted, Lori, and me. I was watching Anders from the corner of my eye; yes I have a crush on him and saw his friends nudging him in my direction. His face was bright red with embarrassment.
“Go on,” one of his friends, just loud enough for me to hear.
“I don’t want to,” Anders replied.
“Dude, how will she know that you like her if you don’t say anything?”
“But she’s so pretty, she won’t want to talk to me.”
Now the pretty remark really got my interest. Anders thought I was pretty. I looked at him and smiled.
“See, she likes you,” one of the boys said.
Anders looked down at his feet obviously embarrassed by the attention being paid to him. Being a twin to Erik, I wondered why he was this way? As I thought about it, I remembered when I was Marcus and thought of the differences between Grady and me. I was the outgoing twin whereas he was the introvert but not to the extent of Erik and Anders. If I didn’t do something he would never talk to me. I stood and walked to him, the obvious glee showing on his friend’s faces.
“Would you like to sit with us?” I asked, as he backed up a step.
“Uhh, uhh, do you want me to?”
“I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.”
I was going to add that I thought he was cute but decided his friends would give him nothing but grief if I did.
“Come on,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him to our lunch table.
“Hey Bro,” Erik greeted his brother.
Anders nodded.
“Hi Anders,” the rest said.
Introductions weren’t need as we were all in the same class; they knew Anders and Anders knew them.
“Sit here,” I said, patting the bench next to me.
Anders sat uneasily next to me, his face burning red with embarrassment.
Looking at him I asked, “What’s wrong Anders, don’t you like me?” concern showing in my voice.
His head snapped around so he could look at me.
“No, I think you’re pretty,” he said, and then looked away.
I reached over and took his hand in mine.
“Anders, I just want to be your friend, and I like you a lot, but if you don’t want to be here than you can leave. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I, I want to be here,” he stammered.
“Then what’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend before.”
“Well don’t worry, we don’t bite,” I giggled.
Things settled down after that. Anders became more social and after a few days we were holding hands everywhere we went.
I discovered he was a very good student, while his brother didn’t like to study, poor Alexis. As hard as she tried, Erik wouldn’t do more than needed to be done to pass with average grades. Anders on the other hand excelled in school. Shannon and I still studied together and asked Anders if he’d like to join us, but he lived across town near the Empire Mine so the distance was too great for that to happen.
Good news, my breasts are definitely growing. My training bras are growing tight and have become uncomfortable so Mom brought me to buy some new ones. They’re just double A but an improvement over my old ones. At least you can see that I’m a girl finally.
Chapter Fourteen
December came so it was back to Stanford again. Ted joined us for this trip, and moaned for two days before we left. We were warned that this appointment might take two days so we brought extra clothes.
It was the same old, same old at Stanford. Draw blood, insert the new implant and send me on to my shrink. Talking to Dr. Montgomery was kind of nice so I really didn’t mind seeing her. I was shown into her office and the nurse closed the door. Dr. Montgomery entered from a door on the opposite wall.
“Good morning Cindy, it’s nice to see you again,” she said with a smile.
“Good morning.” I replied.
“You’re looking well, how do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“I’m glad to hear that. So, what’s been happing since the last time we talked?”
“Umm, let’s see, I’m finally growing breasts,” I said excitedly, “And I kind of have a boyfriend.”
“Kind of have a boyfriend?”
“Well, yeah, the only time we see each other is at school.”
“I see. Now what’s this about growing breasts?”
“Well, I started on the hormones a year and a half ago and all I did was grow this way,” I said indicating my height. “All my girlfriends were starting to have breasts and nothing was happening to me. I thought maybe I should just be a boy instead of a girl.”
“So, do you still feel that way?”
“God, no. I don’t think I really meant anything by it, it was just a thought.”
“Are you sure it was only a thought? How would you feel if you were to become a boy again?”
“I wouldn’t want to.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I watch my brother and think that I’m so glad I was the one to volunteer to become the girl. I thought I would change my mind after being a girl for a couple of years, but I was wrong. Maybe I should have been born a girl and I wouldn’t even have thoughts like the one I had.”
“What you did, changing sexes, would make anyone think they might have made a mistake. Why do you like being a girl now as opposed to being a boy?”
“I like the way I feel. I like being able to play baseball with the boys and yet share my most intimate thoughts with my girlfriend Shannon. I would have never done that when I was Marcus. I watch Ted and see him and his friends and know they would never tell each other how they felt about things as simple as a dress or a boy. Oh, I’m sure they talk about girls but only to mention how big their boobs are. We talk about how nice a boy is, and of course how cute they are, but it’s more than that. As a girl I feel special.”
“Have you thought about what’s going to happen in another year and a half?”
“What are you asking me?”
“In a year and a half you’re going to have surgery to make you complete, a real girl. You’re at the point now where there is no turning back and after surgery what’s removed can’t be put back.”
“I know they explained what they were going to do, but I really haven’t thought about it.”
“It’s a lot for a girl your age to think about, but it’s something you shouldn’t avoid. You know, you don’t have to go through with the surgery.”
“But I want to.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because I’m a girl and I want to look the way I feel. Now I feel like a girl, but I want to feel complete.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Like a girl, but like I’m pretending being one. It’s hard to explain. When I shower or take a bath I hate having my penis still there. When I’m with my friends I always worry someone will see what I’m trying so hard to hide. I’m a girl Anne, and I shouldn’t have that thing between my legs.”
“No you shouldn’t. Now tell me about your boyfriend?”
“Anders?”
“Is that his name?”
“Yes, he’s a twin like me.”
“He’s identical?”
“Yes. He and his brother moved to Jackson last year and he and they sort of hung out with Ted. His brother is Erik and he’s Alexis’ boyfriend.”
“Alexis, isn’t she one of your close friends?”
“Yes, she and Shannon are my best friends.”
“What do you and Anders do?”
“We eat lunch together at school and you know just hang together.”
“Have you kissed him?”
“No! All we’ve done is hold hands.”
Anne smiled at that.
“It sounds as though you’re becoming a normal girl, Cindy. Now let’s get to more serious things. Getting back to you wanting to be a girl now, are you sure? Let’s play a game and pretend you could be anyone you wanted to be. You could turn a switch on and you’d become that person. The only rules are that once you’re that person there would be no going back. I know you love baseball, who’s your favorite player?”
“Derek Jeter.”
“Okay, let’s say we have a magic bottle and you can ask the genie to turn you into Derek Jeter, would you do it?”
“I’m not sure? Could the genie turn me into Jennie Finch?”
“Who’s Jennie Finch?”
“She a pitcher on the USA Olympic softball team.”
“How did you find out about her?”
“Shannon told me about her. We were talking about high school and that I probably wouldn’t be able to play baseball when we went there and she told me about girl’s softball. We argued about hardball and softball. I said softball was a girl’s game and hardball was real baseball. She said I was a girl so why wouldn’t I play softball? I explained that I liked playing baseball because it was harder than softball and I had played baseball almost my whole life. When I said that, it was the first time Shannon was angry with me.”
“What happened?”
“She brought me into her house and turned on her computer. She went to a website about softball and showed me how wrong I had been. One time, some major league players tried to bat against a softball pitcher and none could get a hit. I read why and the story told of how the pitcher is closer to home plate and you had to hit sooner than the hitters were used to. After that I looked at softball differently. It might be for girls, but it was just as hard as baseball.”
“I see. So, if you had a choice, would you choose to be Derek Jeter or Jennie Finch?”
“I think Jennie Finch.”
“You have no desire to be Derek Jeter?”
“Yes, I do. I love the way he plays ball and if he was a girl then I’d probably want to be him, but I can’t.”
“So, you would like to be him if you had a choice?”
“But he’s not a girl, so I couldn’t be him.”
“Remember Cindy, this is make believe and you can be anyone you want in this game, so would you become a boy again to be Derek Jeter?”
“I don’t think so. If you had asked me this question three years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to be like him, but now, there’s no way I would give up being a girl to play baseball.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“I think it’s the closeness of my friends. When I first became a girl, I felt as though it was a choice I had to make to help keep our family safe. I think I was trying to be a hero like Superman or something. At first it was hard for me. I had to learn to be like a girl. It wasn’t like walk this way or move your hands that way, Shannon and I were pretty much tomboys and we were just like the boys. I think being with Shannon made becoming a girl easier. She wasn’t into dresses and dolls and girly things but liked to play just like the boys. Once in a while we would play with her Barbies but not very often. Her mother would laugh and say that she was more of a boy than half the boys in the neighborhood but yet no one would mistake her of being a boy. We played hard, but yet we made time to be girls and I think it helped me become one. When I first started this I thought it would be much more different. I thought I would be wearing dresses all the time and never play ball again. I was prepared to hate being a girl but as I pretended to be one I changed. I found that I liked being a girl; in fact I liked it more than being a boy. Oh, Ted and I had some out and out fights about me being a girl, but I knew he would never want to become like me. Now the only thing I regret is how slow it is growing my breasts,” I giggled.
“So it sounds as though you’ll be playing softball soon?”
“Yes, there’s a team for girls in Sutter Creek and I think maybe I’ll see if my parents will let me join.”
“Are you willing to give up baseball?”
“I’m not sure. The thing I’ve noticed though is that I used to be the best player on the team and now there are several boys who are better than me, my brother included.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Kind of sad.”
“Why?”
“It’s like I’m losing a part of who I was. I’ve always played ball like I was still Marcus and still do, it’s just that my strength isn’t keeping up with the boys anymore. I still run faster than them, but my batting isn’t as strong as the boys.”
“Maybe that’s caused by the hormones you’re taking. Girls just don’t have the strength boys do when they go through puberty. That’s why they have men and women’s classes in the Olympics. It’s something we have to face that men are stronger and faster than women.”
“I wish I didn’t have to lose my strength.”
“You wouldn’t if you decide to become Marcus again.”
“I wouldn’t want to do that. Being a girl is much more important to me than being faster than everyone else. I love who I am.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Cindy. I’m through with you now, but I’d like to talk to your brother for a bit, so would you send him in?”
“I will and thank you Doctor.”
I returned to the waiting room and sent Ted in to see Dr. Montgomery.
Dr. Montgomery welcomed Ted with a smile and a handshake.
“Hello, Ted, I’m Dr. Montgomery and I’d like to talk to you about Cindy if I may?”
“Okay.”
“Cindy says you’re a very good baseball player?”
“I guess I’m okay,” he said, blushing with the compliment.
“What about Cindy is she a good player too?”
“I guess.”
“Is she as good as you?”
“She was, even better before she started, you know, like getting boobs and all,” he blushed at the mention of Cindy’s breasts.
“How do you feel about Cindy becoming a girl?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think about it.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it makes me sad, and sometimes it makes me mad.”
“Why would it make you angry?”
“Because she gets all the attention.”
“Tell me what you mean by that?”
“Before, when we were Marcus and Grady, we did everything together. We played ball or messed around, but always together. After we moved and Marcus became Cindy, things changed. He found new friends like Shannon across the street and slowly became Cindy. Marcus was gone and Mom and Dad always paid more attention to her than me. It pissed me off. I hated that she volunteered to become the girl and I didn’t.”
“Would you have wanted to become a girl?”
“No way. I was glad when Marcus said he’d do it, but I didn’t know how much he would like it. I thought he would change his mind after a few years and I’d have my brother back, but that didn’t happen. Now she’s got a boyfriend and everything.”
“Does that bother you?”
“What Cindy having a boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“Why would it, she’s a girl now and girls have boyfriends.”
“You mentioned that you’re also sad. Why is that?”
“I miss my brother. I miss playing baseball with him and lots of other things Cindy isn’t interested in doing anymore.”
“I know it must be hard on you losing a brother, but you did gain a very pretty sister.”
“I know, but we used to be identical twins and now were not,” Ted said, trying to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.
“You really do miss your brother don’t you?”
“More than anything.”
“Don’t you love your sister?”
“Of course I love her, but it’s not the same. We did everything together and now Cindy is like a different person.”
“I imagine she does seem that way. I’m sure the hard part for you is that she no longer shares the same interests as you do now.”
“That’s for sure. All she talks about is dresses and soccer and Shannon this and Shannon that, or Alexis just got to have makeup. I can’t talk to her anymore, it’s not the same.”
“I see your point Ted, but you have to understand that Cindy is a girl now and becoming a woman. As much as you wish she would share your interests she won’t, not anymore. What is exciting to her will be boring to you and vice versa. Boys your age still do crude things in her eyes whereas boys think what girls are doing is stupid. The thing is though, she’ll love you more and be more protective than if she was still a boy. Sisters are like that. One minute it seems as though she wants to kill you and the next rip the head off of anyone trying to do harm to you. I think you’ll grow to love your sister very much, just give it time.”
“I’ll try, it’s just that it feels like they love her more than me.”
“Why would you say something like that?”
“She always gets all the attention. It’s always how was your day honey? How was soccer? It just feels like they love Cindy more than me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. Remember Cindy’s going through a very big change in her life. What she’s done is very noble and what she’s going to go through now will be the hardest part of her journey. Things are happening to her that won’t be able to be undone easily and after her fourteenth birthday she won’t be able to turn back. She will be Cindy forever. She loves you very much Ted and if she knew how you felt I’m sure she’d have second thoughts about what she’s doing. Much to her surprise, she loves being a girl, which makes it that much easier for your witness protection to continue. Remember, that’s what this is all about and Cindy liking who she’s become makes it that much easier. I know you have your concerns but what you’re doing by accepting Cindy for who she’s become is just as important as what she’s done. Your whole family is counting on you and Cindy to do your part, even if it is with a sister.”
“I guess you’re right. I didn’t look at it that way. I only saw the changes in Cindy and that I didn’t have a brother anymore. I guess I can love her as much as she loves me.”
Ted returned to the waiting room and gave me a small smile. I could tell he had been crying by the redness in his eyes.
“Sit next to me?” I asked.
He nodded and walked to the bench and lowered himself to the space between the lamp table and me.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
He turned toward me, smiled and pulled me into a hug.
“I love you sis.”
Holy smoke, I never saw that coming. Ted had pretty much been a jerk toward me the last year or so and now this turn around, wow, I owed the doctor big time.
“I love you too.”
Edited by Di Wonder
I remembered how my production had fallen off last season and decided to remain on the soccer team. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, as Dad was one of the coaches on the baseball team. The three of us held a special bond as the season progressed and I would miss the time with Ted and my father. The only saving grace was that I was bonding with girls now as opposed to trying to be one of the boys.
My hormones were kicking in big time. I was finally developing the breasts I was so impatient for a year earlier. It was like the titty fairy was making up for lost time, as was the case with my girlfriends. We were becoming young women.
My growth had slowed to a crawl. I just reached five foot five and it had taken me at least six months to grow an inch. Maybe I would stop soon and just be a little taller than most of the other girls.
Big news, Anders kissed me. It wasn’t like a run off and smooch kind of kiss, but I found out later his friends all dared him to do it. Erik had kissed Alexis several times and Ander’s friends teased him until he said he would kiss me.
It happened at lunch on a Thursday. We were all sitting at a table in the cafeteria, Shannon, Alexis, Erik, Ted, and Anders. The conversation was the same as it had been every day we were in school; gossip. We had just finished eating and I knew something was up because one of the boy’s tables was watching us like a hawk. Every time Anders looked toward the other boys they would motion to him like get on with it. He would blush every time they did. Did I mention Anders is painfully shy?
“What are they doing?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
Right! Nothing was the standard answer boys gave when they had something planned so I went on my guard but it’s not like it did any good. The next thing I knew Anders had his lips plastered against mine. I jumped back not knowing what I should do, slap him or laugh. My face turned red with embarrassment before the giggles came. Anders turned as red as me before looking at his friends who gave him a thumbs up.
“What are you doing?” I asked breathlessly.
He couldn’t answer me. How was he going to tell me the reason for our first kiss was a dare? The thing that surprised me more than anything was that the kiss did nothing for me. We could have shaken hands and had the same effect.
“Anders, what are you doing?” Shannon screeched, at the same time I asked the same question.
His fair skin turned the darkest red I had ever seen when a person blushed.
“Uhh, uhh,” he stammered before continuing, “Roger and Lane said I wouldn’t do it.”
Now I was insulted.
“You mean you kissed me because those boys said you wouldn’t?”
“Umm, kind of.”
I felt my face turning the same color as Anders, but with rage.
“How dare you?” I screamed. “I don’t ever want to see you again,” I said and rushed to the girl’s room with Shannon in tow. I don’t know what Alexis said to Anders’ brother but she soon joined us with a scowl on her face.
“Can you believe Anders would do such a thing?” I asked.
“Maybe Roger, but not Anders. I thought he would be too shy to try something like that,” Shannon exclaimed.
“I asked Erik what that was all about and he said he’s trying to impress those other boys,” Alexis said.
“Well he could have done something else than what he did, ewww,” I groused.
“Didn’t you like it a little bit, I mean being kissed?” Shannon asked.
“Are you serious? It felt like his lips were all wet and I know he had some of his lunch still in his mouth.”
“Ewww,” both girls answered in unison.
“If he wanted to kiss me all he had to do was ask, but not in front of the whole class.”
“What are you going to do?” Alexis asked.
“Just ignore him. He’ll see that trying to be a big man was a mistake.”
We returned to the lunchroom and our table. Anders had made his way to the table with Roger and his group. They were still congratulating him on his show of masculinity. He looked at me with a sheepish smile on his mouth and I glared back letting him know that he had made a very serious mistake with me. Alexis sat next to Erik and they whispered for a bit before he left to see his brother. After Erik said something to Anders, he got a sick look on his face. I knew what was being said and Anders realized what a fool he had been. So much for my first kiss.
Winter soccer season ended with us in first place and we won almost every tournament we entered. The one loss was during a tourney in Gilroy. Samantha, one of our defenders came down with the flu and had to miss the trip. Carla, one of the new girls on the team, filled in for her. Carla tried her best but wasn’t as fast as Samantha and a team from Monterey was able to score three goals against two for us. It was our first loss of the year. Carla felt really bad for letting us down but we told her it was okay and that we would beat them next time. We also explained to her that it was the team’s fault and not hers. She felt better after that.
The play was West Side Story, which is a very difficult play for middle school. Grades seven and eight were allowed to audition. As expected the best parts went to the eighth graders. One surprise was that Melinda landed the part of Anita. After the terrible incident with Ted, I thought she wouldn’t even try out, but she did and surprised everyone with her singing ability. As practice progressed, you could see her growing out of her shell. I’m so happy for her. All of us girls landed parts, me as a Shark and Shannon as a Jet. We only had dancing parts but being in the play was just about the most fun thing I did. I almost forgot, Ted was also a Shark. I guess it’s because of our dark complexion.
It was decided the team was going take a break after the last tournament. We had been playing non-stop since August of the previous year. There were school activities coming soon like the annual school play. Several girls on the team wanted to try out for some of the parts, me included, so we put our cleats away for a while.
Since I wasn’t playing ball with Ted I joined the softball team in Sutter Creek. The team was composed of girls from the surrounding area that were under fourteen years old. I was two months from my thirteenth birthday, so I decided to try out for the team.
Tryouts were the second Saturday in March at Amador High School. I was the only twelve-year-old student there. I recognized Jennifer Barnes and Kathy Rundle from school but I rarely spoke to them as they were in the eighth grade and I was in the seventh. I was taller than half the team and my skills from baseball paid off big time. I wasn’t used to playing with a larger ball, which made fielding a bit more difficult, but it helped when I had to bat. I might have not kept up with the boys but I certainly shone with the girls. I was able to hit two home runs and made contact with almost everything pitched at me. Needless to say, I made the team with practice starting on the next Tuesday. Our games would run from April until June and would be played half at home and the rest on the road. The league consisted of teams from Sonora, Lodi, Elk Grove, two from Stockton, Oakdale and Placerville. We would play each team twice, once at home and once on the road. There would be twelve girls on the team if we could find that many. Unfortunately only eleven girls tried out so everyone made the team.
Our team was called the Lady Miners obviously from all the mining that went on in our area. Our team had traditionally been one of the weaker teams in the league, but coach seemed to like the team we had put together. Our practices were twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday and we were coming together as a team. I played shortstop because of my speed and ball handling abilities.
Our first game was with Sonora, another weak team. I was glad to start with a team we would be pretty much even with, if the previous years were any indicator. I was wrong about us. We won the game in a blow-out, twelve runs to one for them and that one was scored on the only error our team made. I had three hits and two walks. The coach had me hitting clean up because I was the strongest player on the team even though I was the youngest.
The season progressed and we started to make waves. Winning games from the weaker teams didn’t cause a stir, but when we beat a team from Stockton the word was out. Sutter Creek was a team to worry about, but until we beat another strong team we were still an anomaly.
Lodi was our next game. Lodi’s team was expected to win the league as they had three of the last five years. We won, three to two and the word was out. Sutter Creek was strong and it was no fluke.
We became very close as a team and Jennifer and Cathy even asked me to join them at lunch. I agreed but only if Shannon and Alexis could join to. They agreed and that’s how we started eating with the eighth graders. The older girls were fun and a bit raucous, the three of us younger girls certainly had our ears full especially with regard to boys. What a difference a year makes as we learned who already lost their virginity, three girls, and who was a tease. My ears turned red more than once.
Ted and I turned thirteen during April. We were teenagers, yay. Ted was growing like a weed. He was five one and showed no signs of slowing down. He was the strongest player on his baseball team and I was very proud of him. I thought of the wonderful time we had shared playing ball and I missed being on the same team as my brother.
Ted has been treating me much better than before our last visit to Stanford. I guess the session with the doctor helped him come to terms with me. I knew he had changed because when Anders kissed me I thought Ted would beat the you-know-what out of him. The only reason he didn’t was that his friends told him he would be suspended if he got into a fight, but he let Anders know if he ever did that to me again he was dead meat.
I’m not going to dwell on the softball season except to say we won the league and I won the most valuable player award from the league. My teammates were beside themselves as the awards were handed out. Each girl received a trophy and I got two, one for our team winning the league and the other for best player. The season ended a week before I had to return to Stanford.
Stanford was an easy visit this time. All that was done was a new implant and the usual measurement of my body.
I spent an hour with Dr. Montgomery and she was pleased that I was becoming more at ease with myself. I had truly become a young woman and she reminded me that next year at this time the final operation was to take place and to think very seriously about it because once it was done there would be no turning back. As they say, the sale is final. I giggled at that, as I had no doubt as to what I wanted done.
Chapter Sixteen
Summer vacation was the best ever this year. Softball and baseball seasons were finished so Ted and I had the summer off until August when soccer and select baseball began which meant we could spend as much time with our friends as we wanted as long as our chores were finished at home. Shannon and I spent a lot of time swimming while Ted spent his time with his friends. Thank God he no longer associated with Donovan and his creepy friends.
Spending time at the pool had become a different experience for me. As I mentioned, my body was finally filling out. There was no longer any doubt that I had a figure even though it was an athletic one. My bust measured thirty- three, my waist twenty-four and my hips thirty-two. I was ready to graduate to a B cup bra in another month. I only wore a one-piece bathing suit because of my boy parts, but I still seemed to garner more than my share of attention from boys.
“Shannon, did you see that boy looking at me?” I asked when one boy so obviously stared at me that I felt as though I was being undressed.
“How could I miss it? What a pig!”
“Why do they stare like that?”
Being girls who were just going into the eighth grade and, to be perfectly honest, very self conscious about our developing bodies, our new gained attention from boys was more than a little disconcerting. As a young woman, I was still learning the fine art of being female and even though my journey started five years ago, I was still learning. Much to my surprise so was Shannon; only she was learning how to cope with the new attention she and I were on the receiving end of boys entering puberty.
Boys our age were still at the between stage where they would just as soon play with toys as look at a girl. The boys paying attention to us were well into their puberty, boys in high school. If I didn’t admit to being flattered by the attention from these boys, I’d be lying. What they did with their actions was to confirm what everyone had told me since I reluctantly became a girl to help our family hide from the Russian Mafia. The biggest surprise was discovering that I like being a girl even more than the boy I had left behind. Boys had been the farthest thing from my mind, but as my puberty took hold, my feelings changed. I no longer viewed boys as being some dirty bit of humanity put on earth to make my life miserable, but as funny and cute. What a difference a year makes.
Needless to say, my mother didn’t overlook my sudden interest in boys. Much to my concern she wanted to have a conversation about it. I was in my room selecting what I would wear after our trip to the pool. Mom called to me from the kitchen.
“Cindy, may I have a word with you?”
Ah, the magic phrase, may I have a word.
“Yes Mom, I’ll be right there.”
I walked to the kitchen wearing just my bathing suit and a pair of flip-flops. My mother looked at me with an appraising eye and a look of concern.
“Honey, you look very nice,” she said, trepidation oozing from her mouth.
“Thanks Mom, but you didn’t have to call me in here to tell me that.”
“I know sweetheart and that’s not why I called you. I’ve noticed your recent interest in boys when you go to the pool and I’m a bit concerned. You’re a young woman with no experience whatsoever with boys and I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt.”
”But I’m not doing anything, Mom.”
My mother rolled her eyes at that.
“I’m not saying you are, Cindy. What I’m saying is that you’re a very pretty girl and when I’ve driven past the pool, I’ve seen more than a few boys talking to you and Shannon. If I’m not wrong you two weren’t trying to chase them away either.”
“We were just talking.”
“Talking to you is flirting to them and I could see they were several years older than you.”
“They’re in high school.”
“That’s what I thought. Cindy, boys that age have a lot more experience with girls than you have with boys. It would be very easy for you to get carried away trying to impress an older boy, but if you did, you could really be hurt.”
“Why, we’re just having a little fun?”
“Because you’re still a boy and no one around here knows you are. Depending on the decision you make this year, next year won’t be a problem. You will either become a woman or you can become Marcus again.”
“I don’t want to be Marcus again, this is who I am. I love being a girl Mom and I wish I could have the operation today.”
“I’m sure you feel that way now, but you still can change your mind.”
“I won’t change my mind. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
“You feel that way now, but something might happen to change your mind, a boy or girl, some incident at school, even wanting to play baseball again. Next year will be the most important in your life.”
“I know Mom and I’m sure I won’t change my mind. I’m Cindy now. If you had asked me the same question four years ago, I’m sure I would have loved to become Marcus again, but now with my friends and the way I’m becoming a woman, there’s no way I’d want to go back.”
Mom smiled before she said, “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re attracting boys and all I’m asking is that you be careful, and I would have been having this same conversation if you had been born a girl.”
“Yes, Mom.”
After the conversation I became much more wary during the time I spent at the pool. I had to share my mother’s talk with Shannon, not mentioning my real sex to her.
“My mother talked to me about watching out for the boys when we swim,” I said.
“Oh God, not the ‘you’re too young and they’re older and more experienced and you don’t know what you’re doing’ talk?” she asked, giggling lightly.
“How did you know?”
“I got the same talk the first week we went to the pool. Sometimes parents are so stupid. Things are different for us and I’m sure boys were different when they were our age. God my mother’s thirty-three already.”
“I know, I don’t think my mother has a clue what high school boys are like. Oh well, I guess we just have to be careful.”
As our time at the pool continued, Shannon and I fell predictably under the spell of boys, hormones, and feeling popular. I could hardly believe the ease that a boy could gain enough trust to steal a kiss from us. These kisses certainly felt different than the rushed mashing of lips Anders had succumbed to, to prove a point to his friends. The most disturbing thing about the kisses was the feelings of turmoil they cause inside of me. There were little things too that did things I didn’t know were possible; an inadvertent brushing against my breast or a breath of air against my ear, tiny things that made my blood boil. As the summer progressed, I finally knew what my mother had said to me, be careful because you have no idea of what you’re getting yourself into.
Luckily, the only place Shannon and I had interaction with boys was at the pool. I’m sure if we had been somewhere more private much more than kisses and an occasional wandering hand would have taken place. As it was, just the interaction with the boys brought us to a place I wouldn’t have even thought of; shaving. Yep, Shannon and I took the big plunge and started shaving our underarms and legs. We knew it would happen at some point in our lives, but more than anything it was to impress the boys. What bigger draw than pretty legs on girls who were still inadequate in the chest department? Oh we had breasts, but not the ones that drew attention like the fourteen and fifteen year old girls had. We used what we had and it was enough to draw attention. Our mothers said we were too young to wear makeup, like that was going to stop us. Somehow Shannon was able to buy some mascara and I bought a soft pencil to line our eyes and draw our eyebrows a little for definition. We weren’t good, but it seemed to work on the boys. I’m not saying we were boy crazy, but I guess we were, but as I said, all we did was hang out at the pool and if we attracted boys, then so much the better. My mother finally asked the inevitable question, after a day at the pool.
“Have you been wearing makeup?” she asked, realizing that Shannon and I had botched the removal of same.
My face turned red as I tried to form a lie as to why my eye lashes would be darker than normal.
“Oh, we ran into a girl from our class whose mother allows her to wear makeup and she wanted to see what we looked like with a little mascara. I didn’t think you would mind?” I answered softly.
“Cindy, I said no makeup. You’re too young and too pretty and all you’ll do is draw boys who have nothing good in their mind when it comes to young girls. Maybe when you start school I’ll allow a little lip gloss and a touch of mascara, but until then I want you to behave.”
“Yes Mother.”
Our pool activities lasted for a little over a month but ended when soccer season started. August first is the first day practice is allowed in AYSO soccer and when that day came Shannon’s father started practice. His love was soccer as he had played in college and was on scholarship so after he graduated he continued to play. He still played in an adult league while coaching us. Needless to say, when we didn’t have team practice, Shannon and I had drills in her backyard to improve our skills. She and I were the two best players in the league while Alexis was almost at our skill level. Luckily we only had enough players to make one team or Shannon and I would have been on separate teams. As the years progressed, more and more girls dropped out of sports and found other interests. Liz, one of our best defenders, quit because she became interested in dancing ballet as did several other girls on other teams. Some just decided they were playing to please their parents and said no, they wouldn’t play anymore. The thing I liked best about our team was that all the girls wanted to be on it and play soccer.
Our season went as expected and we won the league. The teams were from all over, with three being from Stockton, two from Lodi and the rest from various towns in the area. Our hardest competition was from Stockton and we won by one goal.
Shannon and I found our grades were very good. Alexis started helping us with our weakest subjects and it helped. Alexis is the brains of our group and maintained a straight A average. Shannon and I would get an occasional B. My brother though was a disappointment as far as school was concerned. I think his mind was somewhere else as he had more than his share of C’s. Shannon was still the soccer player and I was the all-around athlete and because of that, I tried out again for a girl’s basketball team at the local Catholic Church.
I had shot baskets with the boys in the neighborhood as had Shannon. I wasn’t very good, but we didn’t really do it very often. Luckily, when I tried out for the team they didn’t care what my skill level was but accepted me with open arms. Apparently not many girls were playing basketball in our area and I would have made the team if I could barely walk. The team ended up with seven girls so if one or two didn’t show up we had no substitutes. I won’t bore you with a running description of the games, but I ended up as a defender because of my speed and my poor shooting ability. The best part of being on the team was that I made new friends from Sutter Creek as four girls were from there. Christy, Rachel, Sherri, and Monica had been friends since they started school in kindergarten and naturally ended up on the same team together. I was welcomed as if I had been their friend for my whole life. The tallest girl on the team was Monica, being five foot-seven and I was next at five-five. As with girls at my school, the conversation started with basketball and ended up with boys.
“Did you see that boy watching from the visitor’s side of the court?” Christy asked.
Christy was the pretty one of the group, having long blonde hair, big blue eyes and a figure to die for. She drew attention wherever we went.
“You mean the one with dark hair and the black T shirt?” Sherri responded.
“Yes, he’s the one. God he was so cute, I could hardly concentrate on the game,” Christy giggled.
“He couldn’t stop staring at Cindy,” Monica said.
“Me, you’re not serious?” I blushed.
“Serious,” Monica answered in a clipped tone.
“Why me?”
“Because you’re the prettiest girl on the team.”
“Christy is,” I said.
“Are you serious? Every game we go to, all the boys watch you, even if you aren’t on the court. You might not know it Cindy, but you’re seriously good looking.”
“Thanks,” I said not knowing what else to say.
“Speaking of good looking, could you introduce me to your brother someday?” Christy giggled.
“My brother, eww, you can’t be serious?”
“He’s as cute as you are pretty. I’m sure you’ve noticed?”
“How would I notice, he’s my brother. I barely talk to him.”
“I don’t mind if you talk to him as long as he would want to talk to me?”
“I’ll ask him, but eww,” I said, as we all giggled.
The basketball season started in November as soon as soccer ended. I had to miss one game because of my implant replacement. My appointment was always two weeks before Christmas and was the FBI’s gift to me; thank you FBI.
As usual I was measured and had my blood sucked from my body and then the implant was placed in my arm.
I had grown a little, a very little but I was now five foot-five and one quarter. I was definitely slowing in the height department. My biggest surprise was that I was now officially a B size cup and my hips had grown an inch. Remarkably, my waist had shrunk a half of an inch. I guess all the sports had paid off.
I went to see Dr. Montgomery for the last time before my surgery. She had asked me to think about what was going to happen in June, but what with summer and my sports I really hadn’t give the operation much thought.
“Good morning Cindy, my, don’t you look pretty,” she said.
“Thank you.”
“I just realized this will be our last meeting until after your surgery in June. Have there been any issues you would like to talk about?”
“No, not really.”
“The last time you were here you mentioned that you had a boyfriend?”
“I don’t anymore.”
“And why’s that?”
“He kissed me.”
“He kissed you? I would think that would be something to be happy about?”
“He only did it to show off to his friends. I didn’t like that, so I told him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore.”
“I see. What about other boys, are you attracted to them?”
I couldn’t help blushing as I answered, “Yes, kind of.”
“Kind of?”
“Well Shannon and I spent lots of time at the pool this summer and a lot of older boys paid attention to us and even kissed us.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“I liked it a lot.”
“Was it different than your old boyfriend’s kiss?”
“Very different. I was shaking after one boy’s kiss.”
“I see.”
“How are you and your brother getting on?”
“We’re fine. We still have our moments, but so do every other sister and brother I know.”
“Has he finally accepted who you’ve become?”
“I think so. He doesn’t say hurtful things anymore.”
“I’m glad. Now, have you given anymore thought to your operation?”
“No.”
“And why’s that?”
“I don’t know.”
“It could be that you’re avoiding what you’re going to do in June.”
“I don’t think it’s that. I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to think about it.”
“Well we might as well discuss it now so you will have a chance to think more about it between now and next June. Are you even aware of what’s going to take place?”
“Of course I know, I’m going to become a real girl.”
“Cindy, there’s more to it than that. Yes you’ll become a girl, but has anyone taken the time to explain what will be done?”
“Not really.”
“I didn’t think so. Looking at you I can see your body is ready to become a woman, but I wonder if you’re mentally ready for such a journey. Let me ask you a very important question, do you want to have children?”
Have children? I’m a child myself, why would I even think of having children?
“I don’t know, I haven’t even thought about it.”
“Cindy you do realize you’ll never be able to have children of your own unless you adopt. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure you could even father a child now after the hormone treatments you’ve had administered to you. We could stop your hormone treatments now and let you return to being the boy you once were, well almost. You would have to have surgery to remove your breasts and you probably won’t grow as tall as your brother, but you could be a boy again, the Marcus you left behind when this decision was made for you.”
“I made the decision to become Cindy, no one made me do this,” I exclaimed, raising my hands up and down my body as reference.
I had loved talking to Dr. Montgomery when I came here, but now I was seeing a whole different person as our conversation continued.
“Are you certain no one tried to influence you, your mother of father, just a little?”
“No, I volunteered to become the girl. I’m sure Ted would have done the same, it’s just that he could never make a decision, and we’d still be boys if I didn’t say something first.”
“Why did you say you would do it before he did?”
Why did I volunteer first? At the time, Grady could have just as well said something before I did. It wasn’t as though I said something a half of a second after the idea was put forth. I remember a long pause before I said anything. Why, I wondered, and why did I love becoming a girl? There had to be something else I was missing, and why had I embraced this whole lie with open arms?
“I don’t know, it just seemed the right thing to do.”
“The right thing to do at the time is one thing, but becoming a girl is something else again. Why didn’t you become a boy again after you moved to Jackson? You could have very easily changed your clothes, cut your hair and be done with it, but you didn’t, why?”
“Because I had become Cindy and I loved who I was. Is that so wrong?”
“No honey, that’s not wrong, but you could have become a man like your brother is going to do. Won’t you miss that?”
“No. It would be like asking Ted if he missed growing breasts and flirting with boys. This is all I’ve ever known. I barely remember being Marcus. I know I was that boy once, but he’s only a memory and one I don’t want to become again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’m a girl. I think I have always been one but just didn’t realize it. Even though Ted and I are twins I just know we are different enough to be brother and sister.”
“You’re identical twins, you know, from the same embryo.”
“They explained that in school but I know for sure Ted and I aren’t the same. It’s just small things, we have different eye shape, not ones anyone would notice, but I do. I remember seeing picture of a face split and then the left and right side were put together. The faces looked like two different people. I think it’s the same with Ted and me, we might be identical, but we aren’t, if that makes any sense.”
“I suppose it does.”
“My mom and I were talking a while back and she wondered why I had taken so easily to becoming a girl and mentioned that I might have had some girl genes none of us knew about and told me a story. When we were living in New Jersey, we went to visit my Uncle and his wife, they had two daughters, one three like Grady and me, and the other four. Mom said she and my aunt thought it would be a real cute joke if the boys were dressed as girls and the girls as boys. They would take a picture and then change us back again. The fathers grumbled a bit but since the boys would be girls and the girls boys, they relented. We were all about the same size so the girls just put on our clothes, but our mothers had a different idea about what we should wear. My cousins had been wearing jeans and girl’s T’s but weren’t overly feminine. They decided Grady and I should wear their Easter Sunday dresses instead. Their reasoning was why do this if they couldn’t do it the right way. Mom dressed me and then went to dress Grady. All Hell broke loose as she tried to put my cousin’s clothes on him. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him? I liked the way the clothes felt and I loved feeling like a girl, if just for a moment. ‘Grady, it’s fun’, I remember saying and that calmed him down but just enough for him to dress. The pictures were taken and we changed back into our clothes again. The thing I remembered most was the sorrow I felt when I had to remove the dress. I can still remember the swishing sound of the petticoats when I moved and sat. Seeing my legs covered with white tights and white Mary Janes on my feet seemed so right at the time, but being three years old the memories left me pretty quickly. Even when I became Cindy, I felt guilty liking the girl I was portraying. It wasn’t right for a boy to enjoy being a girl, least of all when all I had to do was look at my twin brother to see what kind of boy I was supposed to be.”
I had rambled on for what seemed like ages and the emotional memories brought tears to my eyes. Dr. Montgomery handed me a box of tissues to repair my face.
“You felt guilty even after you were asked to pretend to be a girl?” Dr. Montgomery asked, when I had composed myself enough to continue.
“I think I did, in fact I know I did. I volunteered to be the girl and when I discovered I liked being the girl, I felt guilty. I was a boy and I shouldn’t have liked dressing up like this, but I did. When we moved to Jackson there was no way for me to back out of what I was doing unless we moved to a different town. I met Shannon and everything I was doing just felt right. There was no guilt except for not being able to tell my best friend I really wasn’t a girl, but even that changed, as I became the person I was portraying. Cindy had become a real person and Marcus became a memory much like the girl in the dress five years before. Dr. Montgomery, I love who I am and even though I can’t give birth to children, I’m still a girl through and through.”
“Yes, I imagine you are,” she said, a wistful smile on her lips.
“Are we finished?” I asked as the pause lasted longer than it should.
“Maybe just a few more questions, Cindy. How did you feel when you were thrust into femininity after you moved to Jackson? I’m sure it must have been a shock to your mind?”
“Not really. Shannon and I bonded from the minute we met and I still had baseball.”
“Baseball?”
“Yes, baseball. When we were living back east, Ted and I played baseball whenever we could. We even played in the back yard and broke more than one window. I still played when we moved, in fact I was a better player that Ted, but don’t tell him I told you so. I played until last year and only quit because I was the only girl on the team and I noticed I wasn’t gaining strength like the boys were. I mentioned it to my other doctor and she said it was my hormones and that girls didn’t have the strength of boys. I decided to play softball instead on a girl’s team and I’ve met new friends because of it. I play more sports now than Ted does. I’m on a select soccer team and played basketball for the first time just this year. I had to miss a game to be here.”
“So you like sports? Do you think it helped you to become a girl?”
“I think it did. I found girls could play sports as well as boys. It’s just when they got older there were problems. Playing baseball let me keep a part of Marcus in my life but that part became less important as I grew older. I think it was when I began taking hormones that holding on to Marcus was no longer important to me. I became much more aware of Cindy and who I wanted to be when I grew older.”
“And what would that be?”
“It may seem silly, but I think I would like to be an FBI agent and help people like they helped me.”
“It’s not silly and I think you would be a very good agent if you carry through with that dream. You might change your mind by the time you graduate from college, but that’s a long way away. From what you’ve told me this afternoon I have no concerns as to whether or not you want to become a woman, Cindy. If you don’t change your mind between now and June, I’ll recommend the surgery for you. You’re going to be a lovely woman and it’s been a pleasure talking to you these last few years. I’m looking forward to seeing you in June.”
With that Dr. Montgomery stood and left the room. I think she had a tear in her eye, but I can’t be sure.
We played two more basketball games before Christmas and then started up again after the New Year. I was still one of the benchwarmers but my shooting had improved since I started on the team. Being the second tallest girl, I was able to play for about a quarter of the game, knowing if my shooting improved my time on the court would too. Shannon and I spent hours at the school while I practiced my ball handling skills and shooting eye. I reminded Shannon I did the same when I practiced soccer with her when she occasionally whined about being a ball girl for me. I talked her into shooting too with the hope she would join the team with me.
“I’m too short,” she would lament, returning the ball to me.
“But it’s fun. I’m almost the tallest girl on the team and I don’t play that much. You should try out next year.”
“This is the last year for girls our age. There’s no way I’d qualify for the girls team in high school.”
“You could try?”
“No I couldn’t. Basketball is the same time as soccer and there’s no way I’m going to miss being on the soccer team.”
“I didn’t know that. I guess this will be my only chance to play basketball then. There’s no way I’m going to pass on playing soccer with my best friend in the whole world,” I laughed.
“You’re a bitch,” she giggled.
I finished the season and played in one whole game as two girls were home with the flu. I even made two baskets but blocked three shots. I was pretty full of myself until I learned the team we beat was the weakest in the league. Oh well, so much for my WNBA contract.
Softball began right after basketball ended. We hadn’t played soccer since November so our coach decided to put together a select team to play the spring tournaments. I now had conflict in my life. I loved playing softball and I had grown to love soccer and playing on a team with my best friend. I needed someone to talk to.
“Mom, I have a problem?”
“What’s that sweetheart, too many boyfriends?” she laughed.
“Mom, I’m being serious. I can’t decide whether I should play softball or soccer this year? What do you think?”
“Which one would you rather play?”
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”
“I can’t tell you which one to choose, which would you rather play? You love baseball and softball is as close to baseball as it gets. Your best friend is on the soccer team and I’ve seen how well you play soccer. I think Shannon is the only player who’s better that you. You’ve gained new friends playing softball but you also have friends that are much closer on the soccer team. I know Shannon is your best friend but Alexis is also very close to you. Your softball friends are new friends but your soccer friends have been your friends since we moved here. I don’t think it’s a matter of which game to play, but more of which friends are more important to you.”
“I see what you’re saying. I love Shannon more than words can say and I wouldn’t feel right abandoning her and Alexis and the rest of the girls to play softball. I know the girls on the softball team will be upset, but I can’t let Shannon down. Thanks Mom.”
I wouldn’t play softball again until I entered high school.
Shannon’s dad was a taskmaster with the new team. All the girls were out of shape, even me. Basketball wasn’t soccer and our sore muscles let us know we had a lot of work to do. We would be playing in our first tournament in four weeks.
The first tournament was a blast. It was held in Sacramento, so we stayed overnight. Needless to say, fifteen girls in a hotel room at the same time was more than the other guests could bear. The manager shut us down at nine-thirty so we split forces and had a slumber party in two rooms. We had lost one of our games already from lack of playtime during the year and we knew the team we would play Sunday was the strongest in our flight hence we decided to make this a fun weekend instead of worrying about the games. Our decision cost us the game big time. We lost five to two with Shannon and I each scoring one goal.
Shannon’s father wasn’t pleased at our performance. Luckily he waited until our first practice to let us know just how disappointed he was with us.
“Girls, you really sucked last weekend. You weren’t passing the ball like you did last year and I could hardly believe what I was watching as the game continued. You’ve been working out for four weeks but you look as though all you did was sit and watch television. I tried to take it easy on you, but look what it got us, embarrassment. I won’t let this happen again so no more mister nice guy. Girls by next week I expect to see an improvement, now get off your butts and let me see you run, sixteen laps, now go,” Coach yelled.
All fifteen of us took off running. Our usual number of laps was ten, which pretty much wore us out, but now we had six more to do. I wondered how well I would do? I was the second best runner on the team behind Alexis and even I was winded after seven laps. We pushed on and finally completed the exercise with most of us almost falling across the finish line.
“Drink some water, but don’t overdo it or you’ll get sick,” Coach said.
Pamela, one of the defenders didn’t listen to what coach had said and was soon throwing up her lunch, yuk.
Next came ball-handling skills. We thought we were pretty good but coach threw in some twists that made most of us look silly, even Shannon. The next exercise was passing with accuracy. We all knew how to pass, but our layoff had made us lazy, which showed during our games. More than once we lost a breakaway because of a poorly placed ball. By the time practice ended our skills had improved dramatically.
Coach also added two more days of practice. Every other day would be for conditioning and the other two for skills. He was right; we were in the best shape we had ever been in.
Our next tournament was in Lodi so we didn’t stay overnight Even though the drive was an hour long we didn’t want a repeat of our party time during our games. We won, barely beating the other team in the finals two to one. Shannon made both goals with assists from me.
Our next big tournament was in Davis. Davis is the biggest tournament of the year and we felt we were ready for the challenge. The level of play in this tournament is like playing the final game of each regular tournament we had entered. Our conditioning had paid off as we won our first game by three goals. The next was much more difficult and we squeezed out a one to nothing victory. Sunday we had to win our first game by two or more goals to be in the final. We did, winning by three.
The final was against the team that had made us look so bad in the third game of our first tournament. Our team couldn’t help but notice the smug looks on the opposing girls’ faces. The game was one of those grinding marathons where no one scored. Regulation ended with the score tied at zero. An additional fifteen minutes was added to the end of the game and we scored a goal at the eleven-minute mark. We normally use two forwards, four mid-fielders and four defenders. Coach moved Alexis to the middle, which threw their defenders off. Shannon was playing right wing, I was on the left and Alexis was in the middle. Shannon crossed the ball to me, which drew the defender from the middle. I dribbled the ball toward the goal and at the last second passed the ball to Alexis who tapped it past the keeper into the net.
You would have thought we won the World Cup from the celebration our team engaged in. The referee almost carded Coach for having too many players on the field. The game ended with us in the lead. Our team had become a force that continued through the summer into the fall.
Chapter Seventeen
School was no big thing and I didn’t have a boyfriend after what had happened with Anders. Lots of boys asked me to go steady but I thought doing that would be really stupid since they couldn’t take me on a date, so why bother? I think the biggest thing to happen was graduation from middle school. It was a scaled down version of what a high school graduation should be. We had cap and gowns and walked into the auditorium and were seated in front of the stage. The principal and someone from the district offices made a speech, Alexis was given her award for best student, we were handed our diplomas and our school year was over.
Mom and Dad had a party for us and I was able to invite five friends, as was Ted. When I say five friends that included parents of those same friends. Dad grilled burgers and hot dogs and to be honest the party was a wonderful time, as none of the kids could get too crazy with their parents there.
The following week I made my final trip to Stanford. It was time for me to become a girl for keeps. I had thought about what was to be done to me and I couldn’t think of anything to change my mind. I guess Ted and I weren’t as identical as I thought because I think I may have wanted to be a girl for as long as I could remember but even those thoughts might have been wrong and just been wishful thinking because I had been living as a girl for so long. Six years doesn’t sound like much, but it was almost half of my life. If you consider that I have no memories of my first three years then those six are more than half my life. I can’t say for sure if my disguise had changed me or if I’ve always been a girl? The only thing I’m sure of is my desire to finish this journey.
My first visit was to Dr. Montgomery’s office.
“So, Cindy, tomorrow’s the big day?” she said.
“Yes, I can hardly wait?”
“No doubts as to whether you want to go through with it?”
“None. I’m a girl Dr., there’s no doubt in my mind at all and I need is to have my body match my brain.”
“I thought you would say this to me,” she said. “I knew after our last session you wouldn’t change your mind, so I won’t waste your time. I’ve already drafted a letter of approval for your surgery and I’ll send it to your primary doctor here at Stanford. You might as well have your parents take you to the surgery center and check in. Tomorrow will be a long day for you and good luck Miss Crane.”
Dr. Montgomery smiled as I stood and let myself out of the room. Mom and Dad were waiting to bring me to the surgery center which was located about a half of a mile from where we were.
Dad registered me at the check-in and left Mom and me to find our way to the third floor surgical center. Much like the first time I was here at Stanford Hospital, I was given a room and asked to remove my clothes and put on the dreaded gown so my tests would be easier to do. I was poked and prodded, measured from my head to my feet, jabbed with needles to draw blood and had an IV needle stuck in the back of my hand.
I learned that I had gained an inch on my hips and chest and lost another half of an inch on my waistline. The nurses teased me, saying if I wasn’t careful I’d have boys lining up around the block. I just rolled my eyes. I almost forgot, I grew another half of an inch and am now five foot five and three quarters. I think five six is plenty tall for a girl and I hope I don’t grow much taller.
After all was said and done, they put me in my bed and hooked a bag of solution to my IV. It had antibiotics to get rid of any bacteria I might have swimming in my system the nurse said. Time had passed quickly and it was already six PM. My high-end meal was served, mmm, mmm. Well done beef with a dark liquid they claimed to be gravy, mashed potatoes directly from the box, just add water and grey string beans right from the can. Dessert you ask, green Jell-O and apple juice to wash it down. I wasn’t hungry when I finished. My nurse said I wasn’t to eat anything else until after my surgery and no liquids after midnight. The only nice thing was having Mom and Dad staying with me. Because of my age, they were allowed to sleep in my room with me, which helped greatly to quell my nervousness. I tried to put on a brave front but there were more than a few times I wanted Mom to hold me. I guess I’m a baby after all.
My nurse came and woke me at six AM to prep me for surgery. I was tired having slept restlessly during the night. They drew blood one more time and rolled my bed to the prep room. My IV bag was changed to a saline solution, I was shaved and swabbed with disinfectant where the operation would take place and then my parents were allowed in the room. They stayed for an hour until the anesthesiologist came into the room. He was a tall man with an infectious smile and really handsome.
“Good morning Cindy, I’m Dr. James and I’ll be administering your pain medicine during your operation. I’ll be with you the whole time during the surgery and you won’t feel a thing. Do you have any questions for me?”
“No,” I answered with a dreamy look in my eyes.
Mom recognized the look on my face and stifled a chuckle.
“Good. I want you to say goodnight to your Mom and Dad and then I’m going to give you a shot to relax you a bit before we go into surgery.”
Mom came to me and held my hand as Dad stood behind her.
“Are you sure you want this?” she asked. “You know you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to?”
“I want to Mom. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
Mom hugged me and whispered, “I love you, little girl.”
“I love you too.”
Mom moved out of the way and Dad took her place and said, “I’m so proud of you Cindy. You’re my hero for doing what needed to be done, I love you.”
“I love you too Dad,” I said with a smile.
Mom and Dad left the room. Mom tried to hide it but I could see the tears running down her cheek. I wasn’t sure if she was crying because because she was sad that I was going to become a girl, or happy because I was going to become one? She was in a quandary I didn’t envy. Either way it was too late to turn back, not that I wanted to, but I would always wonder if I was doing the right thing.
Dr. James returned and I got the same dumb expression on my face as my heart rate increased with his presence.
“I’m just going to give you a little shot to help you relax Cindy. All you’ll feel is a little pinch, there’ all done.”
It took all of about ten seconds for me to relax; right, liar, liar pants on fire, and the soft fuzzy blackness enveloped my body.
Ping, ping, ping, ping, what is that noise? Let me sleep and while you’re at it take the cotton out of my mouth. Ping, ping, ping, ping, oh God, it’s my alarm. I’m supposed to play in a tournament today. My eyes fluttered open enough to see a bright light directly over my head, yuk turn it off. I moved to turn on my side so the light would go away.
“Ugh,” I groaned as pain shocked me back to reality.
“She’s awake,” a familiar voice announced.
“Where am I?” I croaked.
“Honey, you just had surgery,” the voice answered.
I knew that voice. I had heard it before, who was it? Think, Cindy, think, what do you remember? Oh yes, that oh so handsome doctor told me he was going to help me relax and injected me with something. It would feel like a pinch, but why don’t I remember anything else? That voice, I know, it’s Mom. What happened to me and why won’t my brain work like it’s supposed to?
“Mom?” I asked, my voice ragged.
“Cindy, it’s over and everything went perfectly,” Mom said.
“Perfectly?” I asked, my brain still muddled.
“Yes sweetheart, you’re a girl now.”
A girl, a girl, I’m a girl. Of course I’m a girl, I’ve been a girl for, for, for six years. Then it hit me, I had surgery and I really was a girl. A smile crossed my lips. I was officially a member of the club.
My eyes opened and Mom was hovering over me smiling from ear to ear. She had a daughter and it showed on every surface of her beautiful face. She was excited and she looked proud because I was now like her, female.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Umm, fine,” I lied.
I felt weird. My stomach was upset and my body felt like it was wrapped in cotton. I moved my hand to where my last bit of male parts had been and felt tubes coming from the bandages. Other than that, nothing. My IV was still attached and I watched the liquid drip into the line leading to my body. The only thing I noticed that I now had more plastic tubes running from my body.
My nurse walked in the room followed by my surgeon. My surgeon smiled and asked, “How are you feeling Cindy?”
“Fine I guess.”
She lifted my covers and asked, “Any pain?”
“No.”
“Good. You still have anesthetic in your body so you won’t notice anything for a few hours. After that you might feel a little discomfort. If you do ring for nurse Chambers and she will give you something for your discomfort.”
The surgeon covered me back up again. And I rested. I felt tired and sleep came easily.
My eyes opened again and now I knew what the discomfort the doctor was talking about, only I had another word for it, pain. My mother was sitting next to my bed watching as my face contorted into wakefulness.
“Did you rest well sweetheart?”
“I hurt,” I said, as an answer to her question.
I shifted uncomfortably to help with the pain, but all that did was make it worse.
Mom had pushed the button for the nurse so she came into the room quickly.
“Are you alright, Cindy?” she asked.
“I hurt down there,” I answered, pointing at the operation site.
“Your drugs must be wearing off finally. I’ll give you something to help take the pain away,” she said and injected something into my IV tube. I was asleep in minutes.
The rest of my day went like that. Wake every four or five hours, have the nurse give me pain meds and sleep again. The next few days followed the same pattern.
My operation had turned into discomfort rather than pain by the fourth day of recovery. It was nice not to take the meds and stay awake. It was also time for me to get out of bed and walk.
I don’t care what anyone says, but getting up the first time isn’t fun. I had to fight the dizziness from my medication and the increased discomfort from the operation. I felt like a little old lady. Mom was on one side of me and my nurse was on the other as they guided me down the hallway around the floor. My hands were full holding the rolling stand with my IV dripping fluid and my other hand holding my catheter bag. We walked around the floor twice before I returned to my bed as long as I promised to do the same this afternoon.
The following day, my catheter and IV were removed which meant I now had to go to the bathroom to make sure my new plumbing worked; it did. I had been sitting to pee ever since I started my journey but had to aim my penis with my fingers so the stream would go in the proper direction. Out of habit, I reached to do the same and was surprised to not find anything to aim anymore. All I had to do was go. The first time took a bit of time, as I had to learn how to make myself go. This function became easier each time I did it.
I won’t bore you with my time in the hospital. I stayed for two weeks before they let me go home. I won’t think of Jell-O in the same way ever again. I also had another hormone implant before I left.
There were instructions given to me that I had to follow religiously. One I couldn’t run for another two weeks and when I started again I had to take it easy.
No soccer for a month after I got home to be sure everything was healed and not likely to tear with the exertion.
Finally I had to dilate. When I was shown what to do in the hospital I had never felt so vulnerable and embarrassed in my life. My nurse apologized for making me uncomfortable but it had to be done or I would close up which would be a very bad thing.
Lastly I was shown the care and maintenance of my new part. I had to keep it clean because infection was now a very real threat. I found being a girl wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.
Two days before I was discharged, my personal FBI Agents came to visit. I thought they came to visit to be nice, but I was wrong. It was for a very different reason.
Agent Groves entered the room first followed closely by Agent Martinez. My Mom and Dad were both there. Ted had been staying with one of his friends during this whole thing so he was still back in Jackson.
“Hello Cindy, It’s nice to see you again. My you’ve certainly turned into a lovely young lady,” Agent Martinez said.
“Thank you.”
“I was wondering where this journey would end when it started? To be perfectly honest I didn’t think it would end like this, but I’m glad it did. If you had changed your mind we would have had to drop you from the program and let you take care of yourselves on your own. It’s good you followed through because I have some things to talk to you about. As you know, the man you sent to prison had escaped four years ago. As we told you his Russian Mafia friends ambushed the vehicle he was riding in and killed two marshals during his escape. He just dropped off the face of the earth so to speak. We hadn’t heard or seen anything about him for two years. He may have been doing what he usually did for the Russian Mafia during that time, but nothing could be linked to him directly. The assassinations had continued but we had no real evidence it was him. Two years ago a website was opened called American Twins. Basically it was a registry of twins in the United States. Its premises were to put twins in touch with each other for conventions and other events throughout the states. As more names were gathered schools and towns were being visited by several different men, all of them Russian. One was the man you sent to prison.”
“The way we found out about them was one set of twins was threatened by your man. His description was the same with the same scar under his eye. The boys and his parents were threatened but after the family proved they weren’t the twins he was looking for they left with the threat that if they said anything he would be back. Lucky for us they called the local police who in turn called us. We determined that the only way our guy could have found out about the twins was through the web site. After looking into the registration process it was easy to figure out what they had done. When you signed up one of the questions was whether you were fraternal or identical. After listing sex and age the work had been done for them. We contacted many of the twins listed and over half had mentioned some sort of contact with the group. No one has been hurt as of this moment, but I must warn you that there is a set of twin boys your age listed that live in Jackson.”
“Erik and Anders,” I said.
“You know them?”
“Yes we’re in the same grade. I umm kind of liked Anders last year,” I blushed.
“I see. First boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“Well getting back to our problem, the group seems to be working its way from the east coast. We’ve had reports of harassment from Utah just last month. If your friends are on the registry like we think, then you can expect a visit from your killer. You won’t be in any danger because you’re now a girl and your brother is a boy. Your friends however might be.”
“I don’t think so. They have blonde hair and blue eyes.”
“Then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. It appears your family has made all the adjustments to live a normal life since the relocation?” Agent Martinez said to my father.
“Yes I suppose we have, I think It may have been the best thing that could have happened to us. We live in a lovely community, we have new friends, our children have more friends that I can count on my fingers and best of all we have a beautiful daughter.”
“She is that,” Agent Groves said. “We’ll be checking back with you every now and then just to be sure there are no problems but I doubt there will be. The doctors here at Stanford are the best and I’m sure all the steps with Cindy were for the best. I’m glad we were able to help assist you. It has been a pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Crane. The best to you and Cindy, you’re a lovely young woman.”
Chapter Eighteen
We returned home and the first thing out of Shannon’s mouth was, “what did they do to you?”
I knew she would be curious about what had taken place during my absence. I had told her I had to go to the Bay Area for medical reasons and I’d tell her all about it when I returned.
“I had some cysts that had to be removed. It was worse than they thought and after my operation they said I can’t have babies anymore.”
I knew I was lying, but that would explain why I had been operated where it was done. We both shed tears and hugs. God I’m so lucky to have Shannon for a best friend.
My recovery went well. I started running with the soccer team and playing after six weeks as the doctor instructed. It felt good to be with my team again and finally really being one of the girls.
School started for us and now we were entering our first year of high school. I was never so nervous in my life as we entered school. We were the freshmen, bottom rung on the pole. Upper classmen were rushing here and there, some teasing us about being young and new to school. We had all worn jeans and a blouse so as to fit in with the older girls and to be honest not to be noticed. We pretty much succeeded at that, the first day anyway.
Shannon, Alexis and I had signed up for the same subjects, all college prep. Unfortunately we found out in high school we wouldn’t always be in the same classes with each other. Shannon and I shared three classes and I shared two with Alexis. The three of us agreed on one thing that we would sign up for team sports after school. The only thing that interested us was cross-country during the fall season. The three of us joined the team and being already in top shape from soccer, our running was almost the best on the team. Thankfully we were able to continue with soccer because of daylight saving time. Our practices didn’t start until six and we were done with running by five.
We still maintained our high grade point average with Alexis carrying a four point oh.
I forgot to mention the second day of school. I hadn’t noticed the upper class boys during our first day of school but apparently they had noticed us. I found out later the boys liked to hang out near the entrance on the first day of school to watch the freshman girls on their way to classes. Several of the girls in my Algebra class were sophomores and one sat next to me in class.
“Hi, I’m Traci,” she said to me.
“I’m Cindy.”
“Nice to meet you. You’re a freshman aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Have you met any of the older boys yet?”
“No, why would you ask?”
“Because you’re so pretty. Just wait, you’ll be the first.”
“The first for what?”
“To be asked out by a junior or senior.”
“Why would they do that, they don’t even know me?”
“They might not know you, but they know of you by now.”
“I’m sorry Tracy, but I have no idea as to what you’re talking about.”
“Didn’t you see all the boys lingering around the front entrance to school yesterday?”
“Yes, how could I miss seeing them, some were really cute,” I giggled.
“Us girls call that running the gauntlet. Every year the boys line up to see which freshman they will want to ask out. Only the cutest girls are asked. It’s kind of a badge of acceptance and popularity to be asked by an older boy. The higher the class, the bigger the prize. A senior is the highest prize for a freshman girl.”
“I don’t think my parents would allow me to date anyone that much older than me. I’ve never even been on a date.”
“I can’t believe that. You’re too pretty to be sitting at home.”
“I really don’t have time to date anyway. I’m on a select soccer team and my friends and I are going to sign up for the cross-country team. The rest of my time is spent on homework.”
“I should have done the same thing as you, but I like boys too much which explains why I’m a sophomore in Algebra one.”
Class was simple as we reviewed the math we learned last year in eight grade. I was on my way to second period when a boy stopped me in the hall. He was very cute, probably a ten on the cute meter.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I blushed in return.
“You’re new here aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“I’m Gabriel Manning.”
“Cindy Crane.”
“It’s nice to meet you Cindy. Look we don’t have much time between classes and you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met and would really like to know you better. Would it be okay if I drove you home and maybe we could stop for a Coke or something?”
Holy cow. This is only my second day here and a boy, a very cute boy is already asking me out, OMG.
“Uhh, umm, I don’t know if I can. I’m only a freshman and I really have to ask my parents first before I can accept a ride home.”
“You’re safe with me, I’ll run you home and you can ask your parents if it’s okay to take you for a soda.”
“I really can’t. I’ll walk home with my friends and ask my parents, maybe tomorrow.”
“Okay see you then.”
Gabriel walked away and Traci approached me.
“Oh my God. Cindy, do you know who that was?”
“He said his name was Gabriel Manning,” I responded.
“I know that, but do you really know who he is?”
“No.”
“He’s just the quarterback for our football team and a senior. Girl, you just hit it big time. I have to go or I’ll be late for class.”
After what had just happened I felt as though I was standing in a vacuum. Apparently the most popular senior in the school had just asked me out and Traci was beside herself. If I didn’t pull myself together, I’d be late for my next class.
At lunch, Alexis, Shannon, and Lisa, a girl on our soccer team ate together.
“I hear you’re going out with Gabriel Manning?” Alexis asked.
“Where did you hear that?”
“From this Traci chick in my English class.”
“Oh God, I know who you mean. She’s in my Algebra class and saw Gabriel asking if he could drive me home.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him I had to ask my parents first.”
“Oh my God, you didn’t?”
“Why wouldn’t I. My Mom already told me no rides from someone they didn’t know. What was I supposed to say?”
“Anything but referring to your parents. Now he’ll think you’re immature.”
“Immature?”
“Yes, immature. We’re not in grade school anymore, Cindy, this is high school and we’re supposed to be young women. Girls ask their parents, young women just go ahead and do what they want.”
I couldn’t believe Alexis was saying what she did. Of all my friends she was watched over by her parents more than any other friend I knew. I wondered where she got an idea like that?
“Who told you that?”
“Traci mentioned it when she told me what you said to Gabriel.”
“And that’s why she’s in freshman classes with us. I wouldn’t pay too much attention to her if I were you.”
Shannon, Ted, and I walked home together after school. We had signed up for cross-country and Ted decided to try playing football. The conversation came around to Gabriel.
“Are you going to ask your parents if it’s okay to ride home with Gabriel?” Shannon asked.
“Who’s Gabriel?” Ted asked.
“The quarterback on the football team,” I responded.
“Dude, Gabriel fucking Manning asked you out?”
Ted was going through his dude phase and I think if he called me dude again I would scream.
“Ted, don’t call me dude and please quit swearing.”
“God Cindy, you know I call everyone dude.”
“Well I don’t like it.”
“Well excuse me. Who put a rag in your butt this morning?”
“That’s not funny.”
“Come on you two, you’re brother and sister, give each other a hug and be nice,” Shannon laughed.
“Eww,” both Ted and I said.
Ted had been growing as of late and he was almost as tall as me. More than a few girls had asked me if he had a girlfriend. I guess he would be considered handsome if he weren’t my brother.
“So tell me about your date,” Ted asked.
“I don’t have a date and you know as well as me that Mom and Dad wouldn’t allow me to date a boy.”
“You could ask,” Shannon said.
“I will, but I know what the answer will be, and beside we have running practice after school.”
“And Gabriel has football practice,” Shannon giggled, with a conspiratorial lilt in her voice.
“Shannon, you’re not helping,” I answered, my exasperation showing.
“Is he cute?”
“I guess you could say he’s rather handsome.”
“You’re so lucky. You’re the first freshman girl to be asked out by an older boy.”
“How’s that lucky. I can’t do anything about it.”
“Still, you’re the first.”
I guess being first was some sort of badge of acceptance, not that it would do much good.
“It doesn’t do much good so I think I’ll concentrate on school rather than dating a boy my parents won’t let me go out with.”
“When did you turn into a stick in the mud?” Shannon asked.
“About the same time as when your father told you no dates until you’re sixteen,” I laughed.
“Point taken.”
“Do you have everything for running practice tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yes, all we need is shorts and running shoes, oh and don’t forget to bring a sport bra.”
“I won’t.”
We reached our homes and split, Shannon going left and my brother and me right.
“What are you going to do, Cindy?” Ted asked.
“About what?” I said, playing dumb.
“You know what, Gabriel. You know Mom and Dad aren’t going to let you go out with him.”
“It doesn’t hurt to ask.”
“God, I’ve got to see my stunning sister shot down by her caring parents,” Ted laughed.
“Hah, you watch and learn, brother.”
Mom and I were washing dishes, Mom washing and me drying, when I popped the question.
“Mom, would it be okay if I rode home from school with someone?
“Who’s that?”
“Uhh, like this guy Gabriel. He’s the quarterback for the football team and the most popular boy in school,” I gushed.
“No, you’re too young.”
“But Mom.”
“Don’t but Mom me. You’re a girl and only fourteen. No dates until you’re sixteen.”
“What about school dances?”
“Only if your brother goes with you. He’s handsome enough to get a date, so only if you two double date.”
“Can’t I at least ride home with Gabriel?”
“Absolutely not. I won’t have my daughter riding in a car driven by a teenage boy.”
“You’re not fair,” I sniped.
“It’s not my place to be fair Cindy, and this isn’t a democracy. As far as your brother and you are concerned while you live in this house you’ll do as you’re told.”
Wow, I couldn’t believe what my mother just said. What would she know what Gabriel is like? He’s a nice boy and cute too. I felt my anger rise and walked to my room before I said something I would regret.
Gabriel was waiting when we walked through the doors the next morning.
“Hi Cindy, how you doing?” he asked.
“I’m fine, and I asked my mom if I could ride home with you, and she said no. I’m sorry but she said I can’t even date until I’m sixteen.”
“What a bummer. Damn, I was looking forward to spending time with you too.”
“We could spend time at school?” I said hopefully.
“Jeez, sorry, but I’m so busy that I hardly have time for myself, maybe next time.”
Gabriel walked away and out of my life. How could my mother be so cruel?
It was between first and second period I saw Gabriel again, with his arm around Jenny Lopez. She was a freshman from one of the other middle schools in the area. She’s really pretty and had a figure that stopped conversation when she walked by. It sure didn’t take him long to find a replacement for me. Mom was right, I had no business dating someone like that.
High school was a really new experience for us. Keeping my high point average was a chore, but it had to be done. Ted was having a much more difficult time than me so I became his tutor. He didn’t like his sister telling him what to do but that was his problem. Mom had to put the flame out on more than one argument.
Ted made the JV team and ended up playing wide receiver because of his speed. I hated to admit it, but he’s faster than me and he’s grown to an inch shorter than me and is growing like a weed. Because of our conditioning, Alexis, Shannon and I were the third, fourth, and fifth best runners on the cross-country team. Lindsey and Charlotte were the fastest but Lindsey is a junior and Charlotte is a senior. Our team was one of the strongest in the league, finishing second overall. Because of our high finish we went to the sectionals and finished fifth.
The only other thing of note was going to the Homecoming Dance. I wasn’t allowed to date a boy nor was Alexis or Shannon, so we went together. I was asked to dance every dance, as were my girlfriends. Gabriel even asked me to dance when Jenny went to the bathroom.
“Aren’t you afraid Jenny will find out?” I asked.
“She’ll be in the bathroom for an hour touching up her makeup,” Gabriel sneered.
What a creep, I thought, and to think I was going to argue with my mother for a boy like this.
“What are you doing dancing with this girl?” Jenny shrieked, as she walked up to Gabriel and me.
“She’s just a family friend, don’t worry Babe, you’re the only one I want to be with.”
Gabriel let go of my hand and walked away with Jenny after kissing her softly on her lips. I just shook my head at the foolish girl.
It was a month later that I heard the only reason Gabriel was still with Jenny was because she put out whenever he wanted it. I wondered if that could have been me if I had had my way?
After the cross-country season came soccer. The three of us tried out for the team and we made it.
Soccer isn’t a big sport so they only had one team, varsity. Because of our being on a select team we made first string. Usually freshman had to wait until they were juniors but we played well enough to make it to the big time. Some of the other girls weren’t pleased but as he coach said, if they play better than you then that’s the way it is.
Our select team didn’t play the same time as high school so our time on the field was exclusive to our high school team. Shannon’s father was a much better coach than Coach Denton, but what the heck; the three of us knew what the other would do without being told so we kind of used the rest of the team as decoration to our play. I’m not trying to sound as though the rest of the girls weren’t there, but we were the scoring part of the team. Making a long story short we won the league and went to sectionals.
State was after winning the sectionals and we came in second. The only reason we didn’t win was because of a lucky fluke of a goal by the other team. Pamela one of our defenders headed the ball out from in front of the goal and unfortunately it hit Jenny’s hip, which deflected the ball past our keeper into the net. The other team won one to nothing. Both girls were distraught, but we told them luck was on the other teams side and it could just as well been a play in our favor and not to let it bother them. Next year would be our year. They realized we were right because most of the team members would be returning and the seniors that were leaving weren’t the strongest players on the team.
I forgot to mention that between the sport seasons I returned to Stanford for another implant. My time spent with Dr. Montgomery was short so I won’t even say anything about it, except to say that my next meeting would be much longer.
High school sport is a three team affair, fall, winter and spring. Fall is cross-country, winter, soccer and spring is baseball, or in my case, softball.
I made the team and was surprised not to make the varsity. Apparently only juniors and seniors were on the varsity team and the rest on JV no matter how good you played. Because of my play in little league ball my skills were way beyond my fellow teammates but it didn’t matter. I was still a freshman and I would be spending time on JV (Junior Varsity) for those that don’t know. We won our league, yahoo. Ted joined the regular baseball team and made varsity, don’t even ask, grr. The varsity made sectionals and lost in the first round, but I was so proud of my brother.
Oh, I finally got to go on a real date. I was asked to go to the prom by Kyle Goldson. As I had mentioned my mother said no dating until I was sixteen but Kyle asked me to the prom. My mother said no even though he went to our church. Apparently he must have been smitten with me because my mom got a call from his mom and she talked my mother into letting me go.
First let me say, I love boys. Shannon would laugh every time I had a crush on some new stud at school, my definition, not what they were in real life. Every week I fell in love with someone new. Shannon says I’m the most fickle girl she knows. I blame my feelings on my rush of hormones and the fact (confirmed by my very own survey) that girls my age like boys. Ted mentioned that I was boy crazy, but he should talk, he loved girls as much as I loved boys.
Kyle, the boy who asked me out, is a junior in our school. I never noticed him before, if you know what I mean, except he was someone who went to the same school and church as me. I was drawn to the popular boys; you know the ones, the football star or basketball star and the ones all the girls thought were the cutest things since Justin Beaver. I was just as bad and much like a sheep flocking with the rest of the girls. Our conversations at lunch pretty much took the same path every day. God, such and such is so cute and I’m so jealous of so and so for dating him, sigh.
After Kyle asked me out I started to pay attention to him; not like I went and clung to him, but watched him to see what kind of boy was asking me out. He hung with a group of four or five of the same boys most days. They weren’t the uber-popular group but the ones people greeted with a friendly hi and that was it. His group was the good students and terrific athletes. None of the boys were drop dead handsome, but the more you looked at them, they had a special appeal. Kyle was six one and still growing. He was on the football team and played wide receiver. He was also on the boy’s soccer team, but the boys and girls teams kept pretty much to themselves, so he went unnoticed by me. His build was very nice, well-muscled but not to where it showed much. I guess the way to put it was he was in shape. He played baseball in the spring and I don’t remember him being on any of Ted and my little league teams. He was on the honor roll carrying a four point oh average. His hair was brown and his eyes blue. He was slightly tanned from being outside on the sport teams each year.
I think the reason I had failed to notice Kyle was the attention I received daily from other boys. A day barely passed that I wasn’t asked on a date, even though the boys knew I wasn’t allowed until I was sixteen. The attention can be a bit intoxicating and hearing comments like she’s such a fox can take your attention away from someone quiet and a bit shy like Kyle. Even with the attention I hadn’t fallen in with the popular clique cheerleads belonged to. Most of the girls in that group were so into themselves even I had to laugh. Sports were the farthest thing from their mind.
Getting back to Kyle, I really paid attention to him and to be honest I liked what I saw. He was relatively handsome and very considerate to others. He didn’t strut like a fool but drew attention by not drawing attention if that makes sense.
This was going to be my very first date ever and I couldn’t think of a boy I’d rather be going with.
So, now this was going to become the first for many things in my life, my first prom dress and shoes and the rest of the pampering that goes with it. Because it was a first my mother wanted to remember this moment for the rest of her life, her daughter’s first prom. I don’t have to go into all the preparation involved as most people reading this story have read the same thing over and over so I just want to say thanks to my Mom for letting me go in the first place.
Kyle picked me up in a limousine. He and three other couples had rented it for the evening. I had never met any of them because they were juniors and seniors at our school. Of course Mom had to take pictures of me alone and then with Kyle. After that came the group photos. I think Mom filled the memory card completely that night.
Mom and I had spent the day getting ready. I had a complete makeover and looked like a different person when I exited the salon. When I first saw myself in the mirror it took my breath away. If Kyle didn’t like what he saw when he saw me he must be gay.
My dress was black and the only thing I would have changed was the neckline. Mom and I had very different ideas as to how much of my breasts should be seen. Mom won out so there was barely a hint of cleavage showing. Obviously her idea of cleavage and mine differed greatly. I did win out on the length of the dress so it ended at mid-thigh, like the rest of the girls in the limo. I obviously had the most modest neckline of the group.
“You’re only a freshman Cindy,” she said, when we were shopping.
“But Mom, they’re going to think I’m a little kid,” I whined, as we tried on dress after dress.
“I doubt that,” she giggled, looking at my figure. Standing in just my bra and panties didn’t give me much ammunition to fight with. I had become very much a young lady.
We went to dinner first at one of the Italian restaurants Jackson was known for. I was worried about eating anything with sauce. It would be just my luck to drop it on my dress and ruin it. Fish with polenta was my final decision. The food was okay, but nothing to write home about. The thing about dinner was getting to know the person or people you were with. My thoughts had been that the older kids would ignore a lowly freshman like me, but I was wrong. The girls embraced me as if I was one of theirs, and the guys couldn’t have been nicer. The best part was how Kyle doted over me. I felt like a princess. The only thing that would have made the evening perfect is if Kyle had kissed me goodnight. He was too much of a gentleman to take advantage of my mother’s kindness to allow me to go to the dance in the first place. I fell hard for him that night. Who says nice boys can’t ever get the girl? He sure had me.
Chapter Nineteen
Memorial Day was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. I woke to a sun filled spring day. For some reason or other, Shannon’s father hadn’t entered us in a soccer tournament so the weekend was free. All of my friends had gone to the Sierras camping. We would have done the same but my father had a small contracting job that could only be done on the weekend for one of the banks in the area. I missed my friends, which probably was the reason for my melancholy. I had watched the morning shows and their visit to Arlington Cemetery and the tears shed by relatives still mourning for their loved ones. I had helped Mom with chores and retreated to my room as the sadness enveloped me. Sitting on my bed hugging my teddy bear tight to my chest, tears began to flow as memories of the last eight years flooded my brain. My door was open and I didn’t notice Ted enter my room.
“Sis, what’s wrong?” he asked, with obvious concern in his voice.
Until now, I would cry or pout while going through my hormonal rages and he never mentioned anything except to stay away and let me do my thing. His reaction was different this time as he walked to my bed and sat down on the side of it next to me.
“I don’t know. I was thinking about the last eight years and how much our lives have changed,” I blubbered.
“I thought you liked the way our lives have changed?”
“I do, but I wonder what our lives would have been like if we never witnessed that man murder that other poor man. Haven’t you ever wondered the same thing?”
“Not for some time.”
“Haven’t you ever wondered what I would have been like if I was still Marcus?”
“But you’re not.”
“I know I’m not. Marcus was killed just as dead that day when we witnessed the crime. If it wasn’t for that I’d be like you, a boy.”
“I thought you liked being a girl?”
“I do, but what if?”
“We’d still be living in New Jersey. Don’t forget you’re the one who volunteered.”
“I know I did. I didn’t think it would go this far when we started the whole thing.”
“You could have stopped any time you wanted.”
“I know, but I didn’t want to and if I did our whole family would have been in danger.”
“Why did you agree to being the girl? I know you said it made you feel important but you could have stopped?”
“I know, but as I started having friends I liked being a girl. It really wasn’t much different than being a boy, but the longer I did it the more I began thinking like a girl. I just wondered what my life would have been like if I was still a boy? Would I like Shannon in different way? She’s my best friend in the whole world, but if I were a boy she wouldn’t be. Maybe Anders or Erik would have been my friend because we were twins or maybe some of your other friends? Would I have been one of those jerks that pick on other kids, would my studies have suffered because I wanted to play instead of paying attention in school? Would Mom have allowed me to date girls even though I was fifteen? Things were different in New Jersey. I loved being a boy and being the best brother I could be. I remember we would always compete with each other, but not in a destructive way. If anyone saw Grady they knew I would be there too. It’s not like that anymore. I love you Ted, but were not the same anymore. We might be identical twins, but we really aren’t anymore. I think differently from you. You’re a boy and I’m a girl. We started the same but Marcus was killed that day,” I said, as the tears ran and dripped onto my bed.
Ted looked at me, reached over to me and pulled me into a comforting hug. It was the first time I ever felt real love from my brother.
“I love you Cindy, more than you’ll ever know.”
It was two weeks until I had to return to Stanford for my implant. I had asked Mom how much longer I would have to continue having the implants done?
“Until you’re eighteen and then after that you’ll start taking pills instead. I’m not sure if you were listening but your doctor said you’d have to take them the rest of your life.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t have the proper plumbing to manufacture the proper hormones but many girls have the same problem even though they were born a girl. Your situation is a little different but not that much.”
“Okay Mom.”
The following week I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcus. I wasn’t my usual bubbly self and it didn’t slip by Shannon’s inquiring gaze.
“What’s wrong with you lately, Cindy? You’re moping around like you’ve lost your best friend.”
“I don’t know Shannon, I feel so sad lately.”
“I know what it is, you’re gaining weight?”
“I’m not,” I stated.
“Your boobs look like you are.”
“Really?” I asked brightly.
“You’re smiling, I knew I could make you a happy Cindy again,” she laughed.
“Do my boobs really look bigger?”
“God Cindy, you’re so vain. No of course not. I just wanted to make you feel better.”
“Bitch,” I giggled.
Shannon always had a way of making me feel better about myself. This time though my sadness returned. I kept thinking of my life and how it had changed. I love the girl I have become and I love my life so why did I feel so sad about Marcus? If I couldn’t figure out what was going on I’d drive myself crazy. The solution to the problem was to ask Mom to try to book an appointment with Dr. Montgomery.
The return to Stanford had become a bore. I was growing to hate the three-hour drive to get there. It was even longer when we hit traffic.
I was in and out after my implant was done. My appointment with Dr. Montgomery wasn’t until two thirty so we had time to kill. We wandered the downtown district of Palo Alto, eating lunch and exploring the many boutiques that lined both sides of the street. It was a fun time spent with my parents. Ted of course stayed with one of his friends in Jackson.
We returned to Stanford and I was shown into Dr. Montgomery’s suite.
“Hello Cindy, it’s nice to see you again. I thought your last visit would be the last time I was going to see you.”
“Hi Dr.”
“So what brings you here today?”
“The way I’ve been feeling lately.”
“And how’s that?”
“I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel so depressed lately.”
“Why would you feel depressed? I thought we had resolved all your feelings about becoming a girl? If you had doubts you should have voiced them to me,” Dr. Montgomery said, with a stern tone I had never heard her use before and the tenseness in her body was evident.
“It’s not about becoming a girl, it’s about Marcus.”
I could see the tension leave before she spoke again.
“What are your concerns about Marcus?”
“Ever since I decided to become a girl all I thought about was being the best girl I could be. I would always be careful to not expose who I once was. I forgot all about Marcus because I was concentrating so hard on being a girl. After my operation I no longer had to pretend I was a girl because I really was one. Discovery was the farthest thing from my mind, heck I could have gone to the mall and taken off all my clothes and no one would have known I was once a boy.”
“Memorial Day I was watching TV and saw the sadness in the eyes of the wives and families of the fallen soldiers and realized Marcus was never put to rest. You see, Marcus died that day he witnessed the crime just as surely as if the killer had put a bullet in his brain. After that day I became Cindy, it was so gradual, except no one ever thought about Marcus. Why couldn’t anyone have thought about me? I did this for my family and yet it was always about Cindy, Cindy this and Cindy that, but never asking how Marcus felt? I don’t regret what I’ve done, but I don’t know, I just feel so sad about Marcus. I can’t forget who I was. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to be a boy again, but what am I to do with the boy I once was?”
“You have a dilemma Cindy. What do you think you should do?”
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m here.”
“Okay, let’s take this a little bit at a time. When you think of Marcus what are your thoughts?”
“I wonder what I would have been like.”
“And can’t you see that by looking at your brother?”
“Of course I can, but it isn’t the same as really being Marcus. I wonder if I’d have been different than him. I was always a better athlete but now after I began the hormone treatments I lost the edge to him. Maybe if I was still Marcus I would have too but I’ll never know.”
“Is it all about the athletics you’re worried about?”
“Not really. I think what I’m trying to ask is it all right to bury Marcus and forget about him. I’m a girl now and having memories of being a boy just doesn’t seem right.”
“Why’s that? Can’t you put Marcus into a special place in your heart?”
“I suppose I could. Would it be alright if I remembered him occasionally?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? Marcus is still a part that makes you unique. Marcus was a special little boy that made a very adult decision to save his family. That’s something you should never forget. Embrace your memories of Marcus. Keep them dear to your heart. It would be a shame if you were to bury those memories. Don’t feel sad when you remember Marcus but feel happy. You’re a very special young lady Cindy and Marcus is part of who you are, never forget that.”
“I won’t and thank you Dr. May I have a hug?” I asked, as my eyes teared with relief and happiness.
We returned home and that was the last time I felt sadness when I thought of Marcus. The doctor was right; I was a very lucky young woman.
I don’t know when it happened but Ted is now taller than me. My growth has stopped at a quarter of an inch over five foot six. Ted is now five eight and hasn’t shown any signs of slowing his march toward six feet, drat.
Summer vacation was different this year. Shannon and I spent a lot of time walking around the historic district of Jackson. We would be joined by other girls in our class and would have as many as ten girls in a pack, we all enjoyed showing off our rather new feminine curves to the tourists and flirting with boys. It was one such day that would bring an end to the hiding our family had been doing these past years.
Shannon, Alexis Lori, Monica, and I had just walked from the soda shop reproduction after having a milkshake. It was the middle of July and the temperature was well over one hundred. This was the first real shake we had all year and it felt good to splurge. As we walked by the hotel a man rushed from inside and almost knocked me down. All of us girls were wearing our bikini tops, shorts and flip-flops.
“Move,” he said, staring at the exposed tops and cleavage of my breasts.
“Hey,” I retorted.
He just snarled as he looked up into my eyes. His face was red with anger and his mouth was twisted into an ugly snarl. It was then that I noticed the scar under his eye. This was the man who wanted to kill me. I felt my body go stiff with fear. He had taken four steps toward the street and then he stopped.
Looking back at me he asked, “Do you know these boys?”
He showed me a sheet of paper with Anders and Erik’s names on it. Shannon could see my distress I couldn’t believe he didn’t recognize me and then I thought he’s looking for twin boys not a girl and boy.
“Leave us alone,” Shannon ordered, with the toughest voice she could muster.
The man growled at us, but not before staring at my breasts once again. He was old enough to be my father, what a pig.
Agent Martinez had told us the man had escaped five years ago and had been using a twin’s registry to try to locate Ted and me. Of course he had no idea the me had become a girl. Now I had something I had to do, find a policeman.
I was still shaking when the man walked away and Shannon asked, “What’s wrong, Cindy?”
“That man, he scared me,” I responded.
“God you looked as though you just saw a ghost.”
Little did Shannon know but I had.
“Look. I have to go home. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“We’ll be at Wal-Mart. Lori’s mom said she would drive us.”
“Okay.”
I walked as fast as my flip-flops would allow. I knew where the police station was since we walked by it on the way to school each day. What would I tell them, and would they believe me?
I ran the conversation through my head and decided a fifteen year old girl dressed as I was claiming to have seen an escaped murderer would make as much sense as claiming there was a monster in Pardee reservoir. Going to the police would have been the worst thing I could do. The only people who knew who we really were was the FBI and making the claim would just open doors that needed to stay closed.
I finally reached home and ran through the door.
“Mom, mom, I saw him,” I shouted.
“Cindy, calm down. You saw who?”
“The man, the one who killed the guy where we used to live.”
“You saw him? What makes you think it’s him?”
“He came out of the hotel and ran into me. I was with the girls and he stared at me. God Mom, I was so scared,” I said, as tears ran down my face. Mom came and held me until I felt safe again.
“We have to call the police,” she said.
“We can’t Mom. They don’t know were in witness protection and why would they believe a young girl like me anyway and how would I know he was a murderer? We have to call Agent Martinez, she’ll know what to do.”
Mom called the FBI office in Sacramento and asked for Agent Martinez.
“Agent Martinez,” she said, when she answered the phone.
“Hi Agent, this is Cindy Crane’s mother.”
“It’s nice to hear from you Mrs. Crane, but I’m sure this isn’t a social call. What can I do for you?”
“I’m going to put Cindy on the phone and let her tell you what she saw. It’s best if you hear it from her.”
Mom handed me the phone.
“Hi Agent Martinez,” I said.
“Hello Cindy, how’s your softball going?”
“Pretty well, thank you.”
“Your Mom says you saw something I might be interested in hearing?”
“Yes, I saw the man, you know the one who wants to kill us.”
“You saw him? How do you know it’s him?”
“I’ll never forget his face Agent Martinez, never. He walked out of the hotel downtown and ran right into me. I saw the scar and knew it was him as soon as I saw it.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
“He pointed at the names of twin boys who live here in Jackson and wanted to know if we knew them. He even had an accent when he talked.”
“That sounds like him alright. Listen, I’m all the way down in Sacramento so it will be about two hours before I can get to Jackson. I’m going to call the local police and see if they can pick him up. I’ll need you to stay home until I get there and see if you can find your brother. It isn’t safe for him to be anywhere near that man.”
“Ted’s camping with his friend’s parents at Silver Lake so I’m sure he’s safe.”
“Okay. You’d better hang up now so I can call the police.”
I lowered the phone and hoped the police would be there in time.
Agent Martinez called an hour later from her cell phone. I answered the call.
“Hi Cindy, it’s Agent Martinez. We’re on the road but I thought you would like to know the man is surrounded by your local police in his hotel. Unfortunately he has hostages and is refusing to give up. We’re bringing in our hostage negotiating team from San Francisco but they’re hours away. I’m going right to the hotel so I won’t see you until this is over.”
“Okay.”
I hung up the phone and sat looking at Mom. The obvious look of relief on my face. This adventure had finally come to an end. I couldn’t help thinking of what might have been if we never witnessed the crime in the first place. Thinking our lives would have been different was an understatement. There would have never been a Ted and Cindy Crane, identical twins, but really not. Our DNA might be the same but our bodies were as far from identical as possible. Would I have been as happy with my life if I was still a boy? I would never know.
Well, as my thoughts ran through my head, curiosity finally got the best of me. I had to go and watch to see if the man was really going to be captured. The Agent mentioned that he had a hostage. Would he escape again to once more try to find Ted and me and draw an end to the same trail I had been so pleased with just minutes before?
“Mom, I’ll be back,” I said as I walked toward the front door.
“Where are you going? Agent Martinez said to stay here until she got here.”
“I’m sorry Mom, but I have to go and see if the bad guy is captured. I’ll see Agent Martinez there.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with you leaving the house. What if something happens?”
“Nothing is going to happen. They have him surrounded, I’ll be fine.”
“Well, just be careful.”
“Yes Mom.”
I changed my shoes and left the house. With my canvas shoes on my feet I was able to run back to the center of town in five minutes. A block before the hotel I reached a barricade blocking the street.
I started to go around the barrier and was halted by a police officer.
“Hold it Miss, you can’t go down there.”
“But I have to see Agent Martinez of the FBI.”
“It’ll have to wait. She’s a little busy right now.”
“Could you at least tell her Cindy Crane is here to see her?”
“I’ll pass the message, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”
The officer spoke into a mike attached to his collar and waited for a reply. After several minutes the officer spoke to me.
“I’m sorry Miss but Agent Martinez says that you can’t come down there, her exact words were no, especially her.”
“Ooo, thank you,” I said, through gritted teeth.
God here was the man who wanted to kill me and I couldn’t go watch him be put away, grr. I had to see what was going to happen. There had to be a way.
I walked away from the barrier and circled the block. Main Street was closed off just after the market and deli. I ran into Shannon and the girls eating a sandwich from the deli.
“Where did you go?” Shannon asked.
“I had to go home for something.”
“God, you’re missing all the excitement. Some guy has some hostages in the hotel and says he’ll shoot one if they don’t get him a car.”
“How do you know that?”
“Monica’s brother is a cop and he told her.”
“He is? Do you think he could get us closer to the hotel?”
“I don’t know. Hey Monica, do you think your brother can get us closer to the hotel?”
“I doubt it, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.”
Monica’s brother was watching the barricade on Water Street where I came back to meet the girls. We circled the block and ran up to Monica’s brother.
“Chet, will you let us closer to the front of the hotel?” Monica asked.
“No way, you’re too close as it is. What are you doing over here anyway?”
“Cindy wanted to see if we could get closer, that’s all.”
“Aren’t you the one who asked to speak to Agent Martinez,” Chet asked looking directly at me.
“Yes.”
“I told you, you couldn’t go in there, now scoot you guys before I have you arrested,” Chet laughed.
“What do you want to do?” Shannon asked.
“Let’s just stay here,” I responded. It was the closest spot to the hotel we were allowed to be and I wanted to see the guy taken away.
We watched the non-action taking place. The police had taken up a position in front of the hotel and were joined by Agent Martinez behind one of the police cars. They were waiting for the man to make some kind of move. About fifteen minutes later Shannon asked me a question. I thought what had happened had gone past her, I was wrong.
“Who’s Agent Martinez?” she asked.
“What are you talking about?”
“Chet said you asked to see Agent Martinez, who is she?”
Crap, what have I gotten myself into now? How do I explain my involvement with the FBI? Could I be truthful with my best friend without blowing the whole witness protection thing all to heck?
“Shannon, you’re my best friend in the whole world, but I can’t tell you until this is over. When that man is arrested I’ll feel safe to tell you, but I can’t just yet.”
“Oh my God, you’re an undercover spy,” she said.
“Shannon, you’re crazy. No I’m not a spy. It will just have to wait. I promise I’ll tell you as much as I can.”
An hour later one of those command center busses turned into the street we were standing on. It circled the block and came down Main Street and stopped behind the police barricade. Agent Martinez stood, crouched over and ran to the bus.
Standing where we were, we couldn’t see the front of the hotel, all we could hear was the buzz of conversation going on behind the police cars. It reminded me of watching a lion stalking a zebra on Nature. You knew the zebra was history yet the fascination of waiting for the kill made the wait manageable. The same was happening before our eyes. We could see snipers on the rooftops across from the hotel aiming at the front of the building. Why hadn’t they shot I wondered?
Suddenly we heard a loud report from some kind of gun. I had fired pistols with my friend’s parents and this was much louder.
“Everybody down,” I heard a voice magnified through a microphone.
I waited for fire to be returned but nothing happened.
“Chet, why aren’t they shooting back?” Monica asked her brother.
“Because they’ll hit the hostage. As it is he hit one of the deputies on the roof across from the hotel.”
“Oh God, is he okay?”
“The shooter got his arm. He’ll be alright.”
I no longer felt as safe as I once did. Maybe this guy might escape after all. Fortunately he doesn’t know about Ted and me but who knows what he might do? Right now he’s like an animal in a cage and shooting more people wouldn’t bother him one bit.
We remained glued to our spot behind the barricade. As much as I wanted to leave I couldn’t, the future of the man with the scar meant too much to me. It was as though we were waiting for the inevitable train wreck.
Several more hours passed before the killer made his final demand, a car to be brought to the front of the hotel. After some hemming and hawing the demand was met. The thinking was that once the killer had cleared the front door of the hotel he would be an open target for the sniper stationed on the building across the street.
The car, an old Crown Vic was brought to the hotel and parked, the driver’s side facing away from the entrance. The driver, a police officer in uniform opened the door, exited and crept slowly away from the car, ducking behind the first cover he found.
It was about five minutes later that the front door of the hotel opened.
“Don’t shoot or I’ll kill my hostages,” the voice yelled.
“Everyone hold your fire,” A booming voice yelled from behind the police lines.
“We’re coming out so don’t do anything stupid.”
Monica’s brother shifted his position toward the front of the building, pulling his weapon. Several officers ran from behind the hotel.
“Chet, what’s happening?”
“He’s coming out,” Chet answered as he continued moving forward from his position.
All we could see was the edge of the front door. Slowly I saw a woman exit with a pistol held tightly against her head. Next came two more women with a man wearing a baseball cap between them. He was using the women, as a shield knowing the snipers wouldn’t shoot as long as the women were there. The group walked with their backs to the hotel and moving at a snail’s pace. It took at least three minutes for them to reach the driver’s door on the car. If I hadn’t seen what happened next I wouldn’t have believed it. The man tossed the pistol away from his hand and fell on the ground, face down. The women ducked behind the car waiting for the bullets to start flying.
“What the eff?” Chet said.
“Don’t anyone move,” came the command from the front of the police line.
There was a sound of rushing feet as officers closed in on the prostrate gunman. Rifles and pistols were pointed at the man.
“Don’t shoot, please don’t shoot. I’m not the man you want. He’s still inside the hotel,” the man stated.
The man was cuffed and then rolled over, the ball cap flying from his head exposing a shock of red hair.
“Fuck, he’s not our guy,” another voice said.
“Are there anymore hostages?”
“No.”
“Contain the building and do a room to room search, and be careful, he’s armed.”
The police and FBI rushed the hotel securing the property. The killer wasn’t found.
“Back here,” a voice yelled. “One of ours is down.”
We ran along the police line until we could see the rear of the hotel. Several officers were milling around a figure on the ground. There was blood running away from the body. He had been killed with a knife and was bleeding out. My stomach turned as I watched the gruesome sight.
“Help me,” a woman shouted from the junction of Highway eighty-eight and forty-nine. “He stole my car.”
Agent Martinez came to our home later that evening and told us what had happened back at the hotel.
“The man who’s looking for you, Ivan Livens came here because of the other twins that go to your school. Identical twins draw him live flies to honey and as we mentioned before he has access to a twin’s directory. Your classmates weren’t in any danger because they didn’t fit the description of you and Ted before anything like this happened. He’s looking for boys with brown eyes and dark hair and certainly not a girl which explains why he had no idea that he had just run into the person he wanted to kill.”
“Getting back to what happened at the hotel, Ivan pulled a fast one on us making us think he wanted a car to get away with the hostages. He took one of his pistols and emptied it of bullets and made the one male hostage wear a hat to cover his hair and face. He told the hostages he would be standing behind the door with a pistol pointed at their backs and if any of them made a wrong move he would shoot them dead in their tracks. Those were his own words. He told the man to hold the pistol to the head of the lead hostage and the others were to stand on each side of the man covering him from any sniper fire. They were told to walk slowly and any sudden move would be their last. They followed his instructions to the letter until they reached the car. The man knew as soon as he tried to get into the car his cover would no longer protect him so he felt that dropping the pistol and falling on the ground was the best thing he could do under the circumstances.”
“Unfortunately more than five minutes passed before we realized what had happened. Ivan had walked right past the Jackson Police Station with no one the wiser. When he got to the intersection of 49 and 88 he pulled the lady out of the first car to stop at the stop sign. She said he turned up 88 but had a three-minute head start. The only thing we have going for us at this point is a description of the car and the direction he’s going. Fortunately the lady was driving a Cadillac and it was one of those pink cars given as a sales thank you from some makeup company. It shouldn’t be too hard to spot.”
“That being said, I wouldn’t worry about him returning any time in the future. He’s known to the law officers both local and the sheriff’s office. The Highway Patrol has an APB out for the car so it shouldn’t be long before he’s in custody. I can safely say that if you want you could return to your old lives with the exception of Cindy of course. Everything that could be done to her has been done so she will remain a woman for the rest of her life. All I can say is that she’s been a real hero in my eyes. There aren’t many young boys who would have made the decision she did.”
“Thank you Agent Martinez for sharing what happened at the hotel. It’s a relief to know we no longer have to fear that bastard,” Mom said, using words I had never heard cross her lips. Ted and I both laughed.
So, our witness protection was over and we could return to our previous lives if we wished. Obviously I couldn’t become a boy again and there was no way I would want to. I loved the person I had become, but would I want to move back east again and lose the life I had built for myself?
“Well, what do you guys think?” Dad asked.
“About what?” Ted asked.
God my brother could be so dense sometimes. I love him to pieces but I wonder if he skipped a part of the brains assembly line when we were in Mom’s womb.
“Ted”, I said, “Dad’s asking if we want to stay here or move back to New Jersey?”
“You mean to our old friends and house?”
“Yes, I guess that’s exactly what he means.”
“What do you want to do Cin?”
“That’s easy, I love it here. I love my friends and I love where we live. If we moved back home how many friends would still be there? It’s been eight years Ted, things change.”
“But if we go back things will be the same again.”
“God, Ted, look at me. Do you really think things would still be the same? I’m your sister, not your brother anymore and think of the friends you have now. You go river rafting with them and skiing in the winter, you still play baseball and are really good at it, why would you want to move?”
“I don’t know?” Ted said as a tear ran down his cheek. “I just hoped things could return to normal and I wouldn’t feel so guilty about what happened to you.”
“Oh Ted, I love you and don’t feel guilty about me. I love who I became and I wouldn’t change a thing, unless………….I could have a twin sister,” I laughed.
“Ugh, no way.”
“So do we stay or do we go?” Dad asked.
“We stay,” we all shouted.
The group hug was kind of disgusting, Ted and I both needed showers but it felt good to have a life free from the danger we once had. Dad had built his business to the point where he had two carpenters working for him and money was no longer an issue as long as we watched what we spent. Thank you Wal-Mart.
Mom found a part time job, as a hostess for a local restaurant and her circle of friends seemed to grow every day.
Ted’s still growing and he’s several inches taller than me and hasn’t slowed one bit. As he’s grown he has also filled out and half the girls in school are in love with my brother, ewww.
As for me I had to bare my soul to Shannon about how I knew Agent Martinez. Obviously I left the change of sex out of the story but told her we moved here as part of witness protection. She thought that was the most exciting thing she ever heard. I love that girl to pieces and if it wasn’t for her I would have never been able to finish the journey I had so easily volunteered for. She taught me how to be a woman and I’ll never forget that. The thing is, she never knew she was giving me lessons every day. She still complains that I became more of a girly girl than her, not that either one of us really is. I guess it’s just a matter of your point of view. Maybe she’s more of a tomboy than me and we can’t see it.
Epilogue
Ivan Livens was free for almost a year. His hatred of my brother and me finally got him killed. He couldn’t stay away from trying to find the twins who had put him in prison. He found a pair of twins who looked much like Ted and I would have if we hadn’t changed.
I’m getting ahead of myself. When Ivan made his escape we thought his freedom would last several hours at the most, what with driving a pink Cadillac and all. Sadly he knew the car would get him arrested or killed so he drove into a driveway that led to a retired couples country home. It wasn’t one of those big estates, but a cottage filled with love as the two were living their dream of retirement.
He approached the front door claiming he was lost and wondered if they could help him. They were more than happy to invite him in so the husband could show him how to get to where he wanted to go. Once the door was shut he pulled his pistol and shot both the man and woman in the head. Their car was parked behind the house so he stole it. Being a dark blue Camry he blended in for two weeks before anyone thought to see why the Garsons hadn’t been seen. By the time the bodies were discovered, Ivan was in Los Angeles.
He got a lead on twin boys living in the Texas panhandle and paid a visit to their ranch. He drove up their driveway and saw the boys playing basketball in the front yard. These were the twins he thought and didn’t waste any time before he would dispatch them. Pulling his pistol from his holster, he walked toward the boys. The slamming of the car door caught their attention and they turned to see a strange man holding a pistol. They were fifty yards away and it would have been a difficult shot so he unwisely walked forward toward them. The same car door had alerted their father who was working on a piece of equipment in the barn, seeing the man and his gun shook their father to the bone. He had his hunting rifle, a 30.06 with him in the barn. He sighted through the scope and let fire. Ivan dropped in his tracks as the bullet entered his head and exited with a quarter of his brains. This was Western justice at its best. There would be no trial for Ivan nor would there be one for the rancher. It was determined the kill was well deserved.
I was in my sixteenth year when we found out what had happened to Ivan. Dad figured the news deserved a party so we had the first of many celebrations on the anniversary of Ivan’s death. Even our FBI handlers attended. We tried to get our doctors from Stanford to come by, but they all seemed to be busy. The only thing that hasn’t changed is that my brother and I are still identical twins but with a difference.
Edited by Di Wonder