Camp Shoni
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Camp Shoni - Part 1
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 1
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
|
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Monday 03-24-2013 at 09:24:15 pm, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 1
"Camp Dah-nes-tsa, where boys are turned into men," Lorin read the camp motto on the first page of the brochure his mother had handed to him when he came home from school that day. It was January, cold and some snow was in the grass and hedges outside the house where he lived with his mom, dad and older sister Stephanie.
The cover of the brochure said "Confederated Camps of Lake Navajo" and underneath:
- Camp Dah-nes-tsa, for boys ages 8 - 16.
- Camp Na-as-tso-si, for overweight girls and boys aged 12 - 16.
- Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad, for girls aged 8 - 16.
In small letters at the bottom of the brochure it said, "The confederated camps of Lake Navajo are owned by Lake Navajo Camps, Inc."
Lorin had been going to camp Dah-nes-tsa, or "Camp Dan," as it was affectionately called by the campers, every year since he was 8. It was a very nice camp. Well, it was the only camp he had known, but he had had fun every summer and he had made some good friends there. Since he had just turned 13 this year he was finally going to be eligible for the "upper camp." This was the camp for the older boys. They got to do many more exciting activities than the younger kids including a weekly Saturday evening dance with the girls of camp NeZhoni Ah-tad.
Lorin had many times heard the older boys discuss the different girls at camp "Shoni," as everyone called camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. Camp Shoni had always seemed mysterious to Lorin. The thought of a parallel universe on the opposite shore of Lake Navajo filled with girls seemed fantastical. Oftentimes he could see the girls at a distance swimming and boating in the lake. Once he and his canoe mates had paddled to the center of Lake Navajo and had encountered several canoes filled with girls. He could never forget how pretty they had seemed to him. Anyway, this year he would finally get to meet them at the dances. It gave him butterflies to even contemplate it. It would take a lot of courage to ask a girl to dance. He hoped there would be some ladies choices and a nice girl would ask him to dance.
Lorin was an attractive boy. His parents allowed him to keep his straight sandy blonde hair long since they were former hippies. There are many pictures in the family album of his dad with long hair in a ponytail, even though he now kept his hair short. Lorin's face was round, his sideburns wispy and he was still quite a ways off from needing to shave. He had a somewhat light bone structure, which came with a kind of minimal musculature so that he had never been an outstanding athlete. His good looks pretty much stopped anyone from teasing him about his lack of athletic skill. In any case, he was not a terrible athlete and his social standing among the guys was pretty nice all things considered.
There was one secret Lorin kept from everyone in the world. The truth was he kept his hair long because he liked having that in common with girls. In school or wherever he saw girls he would think, "We've both got long hair, so I guess I'm sort of an honorary girl." He often daydreamed about getting his ears pierced. Long silver earrings would look good when framed by his blonde hair. The fact of the matter was that Lorin absolutely loved girls and everything about them. He secretly watched all that they did at school. How they talked and held their heads. How they walked and laughed. How they took care of their nails and make up. Their hairstyles. What kinds of skirts or jeans they wore. How and what kind of barrettes they put in their hair. Their shoes and stockings. The different tops they wore. He most enjoyed the hints of their underwear that he occasionally got a peek at. He was fascinated by the bulging outline of bra straps across the back of a blouse. Penny sitting in front of him in English class was his favorite. She often wore white tops and when she did Lorin could hardly peel his eyes off the delicate outline of her bra running across her back and up to her shoulders. He had studied bras enough to identify the outline of the strap buckles that presumably allowed girls to adjust the length of the shoulder straps. Why this was sometimes in the back and sometimes in the front was a bit of a mystery.
Lorin turned the page of the camp brochure and saw a collection of photos of boys engaged in the various activities of Camp Dan: boating, swimming, playing ball games. He recognized some of the boys including his friend Owen. A hand coming into the picture next to Owen he thought might be his own. Text accompanying the pictures listed the sports and activities. There was even taxidermy, but only one boy had ever taken that all the years Lorin had been attending the camp. It was a boy named Carl who the guys thought was a bit batty. Somewhat ironically, Carl had ended up accidentally killing a bat and then stuffing it. Lorin especially liked reading the affirmation that "boys in the upper camp (Ages 14 - 16) can participate in a Saturday night dance with the girls of Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad."
Lorin froze. There must be a typo he said to himself. Ages 14 - 16? It was always ages 13 - 16. He ran downstairs to his mom and said, "Did you see this mom. There must be an error. It says the upper camp is from ages 14 - 16!"
"I'm sorry, Lorin," his mom said looking at him sympathetically. "There was a cover letter with the brochure saying they had decided to limit the upper camp to 14 - 16 starting this summer. It's because they had some problems last year with the younger boys at the dances. They were horsing around and the girls camp decided that enough was enough or something like that."
"But mom, that's ridiculous!"
"I know that you're very mature but there is nothing that we can do about it. It won't be as bad as you think. You always have so much fun."
Choking up with grief, Lorin turned and walked slowly back to his room. He sat down on his bed in abject depression. This really, really sucks, he thought to himself. A whole other year and a half practically he'd have to wait. Fighting the urge to cry, he picked up the brochure and continued reading. On the next page there was a description of the weight watching camp. The kids in these pictures were invariably smiling. There was an extensive description of the diet and exercise regimes in a "supportive environment." It was foreign territory for Lorin. He figured that at least being overweight gave one the advantage of going to a co-ed camp. It's probably why everyone was smiling.
Lorin skipped the further description of camp Na-as-tso-si, that his friends called Camp Nasty, and turned to the description of camp Shoni. The first page for camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad had a slogan like that for the boys' camp: "where girls learn to become women." The list of activities included many of the same sports as in camp Dan, but there was also many more crafts such as basket weaving, embroidery, dress making, cooking and "salon skills." There were pictures of the girls swimming, playing volleyball and hiking through a forest holding hands and smiling. Most of the girls were pretty. Some looked very athletic. The girls were mostly wearing T-shirts loosely framing their figures. Some of the girls looked to be busty but it was not particularly evident.
It was so incredibly unfair to keep him in the lower camp. All last summer he had been giddy with the idea that finally, next summer, he was going to be going to the dances. He had spent many a night imagining his first visit to the girls' camp. To be able to dance a slow dance with one of the girls would be heavenly. To smell her perfume, to feel her hair on his cheek and to be touching her pretty dress. Feeling the urge to cry again, he turned the page and let out a small gasp of astonishment. There was a picture of the entire upper girls camp "dressed for the camp ending cotillion," on the last Saturday night of the summer. There were almost a 100 girls in the color photo, some seated in front, others standing behind them wearing the most beautiful assortment of dresses Lorin had ever seen. Many puffed out from the hips held out by crinolines and petticoats. The girls looked like they had been to the beauty parlor. They had the prettiest hairstyles and the most tasteful makeup. The palpable aura of massed femininity was so intense that Lorin felt a deep stab of envy. He wanted to be a part of the picture in the worst way. To be one of the girls standing there arm-in-arm in a pretty dress, wearing a little locket around his neck like so many of the girls in the picture. It was too much to bear. He felt a raw pain in his chest. Not only did he have no chance of being one of the girls, he would not even be able to dance with them this summer.
He thought of praying to God to make it happen somehow. He stared closely at the picture and looked into the eyes of each of the girls, one by one. He noticed that for two of the seated girls he could see a hint of lacy crinoline peeking out from their skirts. He looked at the entire row of prettily stockinged legs and admired them. At least God, could You at least make it so that somehow I get to see the girls on the night of the cotillion? Could I just even be able to see them? That is not asking too much is it? He imagined what it would be like to dance with one of the girls. The swish of her dress against him as he held her and she held him. Maybe that was OK, but if by some miracle God could let him be one of the girls, he would never ask God for anything else again.
Lorin was taken out of his reverie by the sound of his mom. "Are you done looking at the camp brochure?"
"Yes, mom," he said ruefully.
"I need you to complete the application. It asks you to check off your five favorite activities and to write a sentence or two about what your interests are. We've got to get it in the mail in the next day or two to make sure you get in. If you don't get in it could give us a big headache with our trip." Lorin's mom, dad and sister were traveling to Japan and China for the summer while his dad conducted some business. Lorin had wanted to go also, but his dad nixed the idea. "You're a picky eater and we'd have a hard time feeding you!" Lorin's dad was big time into Sushi. The thought of finally being in the upper camp had quelled any regret that Lorin had had at being excluded from the family trip.
"OK, mom. But are you sure I can't go to Japan and China with you and dad? I promise I'll eat everything you place in front of me."
His mom laughed. "Sorry honey. You'll have so much more fun at camp Dan than you'll have traipsing around with us."
"Not in the lower camp!"
"Please honey. You know there is nothing we can do about it, and I'm just as disappointed as you are."
"OK mom. I'll fill out the form for camp disappointment!"
"Very funny. I've left an envelope on the dining room table with the deposit check. When you're done with the application put it in the envelope and put it in the mail box on your way to school tomorrow morning."
"OK, mom," Lorin said.
"Don't forget!"
"I won't."
That night before going to sleep Lorin took out the brochure and turned to the picture of the girls dressed for the cotillion. The dresses were in every color including white, ivory, peach, pale blue, pale pink and with every kind of lace decoration imaginable. He studied the two girls whose petticoats he could see. Their stockinged legs were surrounded by the delicate lace netting that puffed up over their laps.
"Why can't that be me, God?" Lorin prayed. "If You just made me a girl for the summer I'd be so grateful!"
He felt misty eyed and then scolded himself for his self-pity. "I'm such a moron. It's just a dress." He lay awake for an hour pretending he was in camp Shoni. It was the week before the big cotillion. The girls were excited about getting their dresses ready. He had his dress hanging on a hook next to his bunk. It smelled faintly of perfume, like the way Penny sometimes smelled. He fell asleep.
Awakening in the morning Lorin pantomimed putting on a dress and crinoline. Half way through, he stopped to start all over again, this time first putting on an imaginary bra, panty and stockings. He had never worn a bra or even touched one but he had thought about them and studied them enough, mainly from the "One Hanes Place" catalog that came every month or two for his mom. Probably a hundred different bras were displayed in every issue, and he enjoyed studying them, usually during the afternoons when he was the first one home and had gotten the mail. Often he knew he had an hour or two until his sister or mom came home, and in that time he could sit in the living room and admire the pictures of the ladies. He loved the fact they were always smiling. There must be something about wearing a bra that makes girls smile. A favorite game of his was to imagine what would have been going on in the minute or two before the pictures were shot. Part of this was thinking about how the model would be putting on her bra, and from this Lorin felt that if the opportunity ever arose, he would know what to do. The fantasy intensified when he imagined that he had breasts that awaited the bra. How big should they be he wondered. He broke out into a sweat and he felt his heart racing. I must be going straight to hell he told himself.
As he often did in moments of frustration he recalled the glance he had once gotten up the short sleeve of Penny's white blouse. Her bra had been remarkably white against her skin and he had not thought such white was possible. If he ever wore a bra he'd have to check that out. How white would it look against his skin?
He got dressed and went to the breakfast table. His mom was just leaving for work. "Did you fill out the application like I asked?"
"Yes mom," he lied.
"I know you're lying. Don't dawdle with it!"
"I fell asleep last night. I did start it. Don't worry I'll get it in the mail today."
"This morning."
"This morning."
She left for work. Lorin had a half hour before he would have to leave for school. He sat down at the dining room table with the application in front of him. In the upper right-hand corner there was a box listing the three camps and his mom had checked the box next to camp Dah-nes-tsa. After this was the usual information, his name printed carefully "LORIN BAXTER", his address and the family phone number. His mom had checked a box saying "returning camper" and underneath this she had written "5" in a space for the number of previous years. She had written in the name and phone number of their family doctor and the name of the school he attended. He found the deposit check. It was made out to "Lake Navajo Camps, Inc." Next on the application was a space in which his mom had written in his birthday. She had also checked a box saying "lower camp". In small print in parenthesis it said "8 - 12 for the girls in camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad and 8 - 13 for the boys in camp Dah-nes-tsa." "Rats!" he said to himself. He put down the application and once again flipped open the brochure to the picture of the girls in their pretty dresses. "God, can't you make me a girl so I can wear a dress like that and have these girls as my friends?" Lorin waited and nothing happened. Miracles never happen. That's for sure. He remembered after his grandpa died how much he prayed he would come back and he never did. "How about it God if you just let me go to Camp Shoni?" He laughed at the thought of being the only boy at the camp. It was getting late and he would have to go to school. Suddenly he tensed up and a jolt of electricity went through his stomach and into his heart. Why can't I go to Camp Shoni, he thought? I'd just have to pretend to be a girl. I could be one if I wanted to. A thousand thoughts darted through his mind. It's such a great idea. It's so easy. No one would ever find out. He got a clear vision of himself pretending to be one of the girls in camp Shoni. What a joy it would be!
Then suddenly he groaned with the realization that the idea was fundamentally flawed. How dumb can I be! What about parents' day when the camps are opened for parental visits? Mom and Dad come every year and what a shock it would be if they found out that he wasn't at camp Dan. But just as fast he broke into a smile. Mom and dad will be in Asia! They can't come to visit!
Excitedly he looked at the application form again. With a sense of mounting tension he noted that his mother had used a pencil to check off the camp he was to go to. He got up and found a pencil and sat down again in front of the application. The eraser was new and clean. With trembling hands and racing heart he rubbed out the check mark next to Camp Dah-nes-tsa, turned the pencil around and checked the box next to Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. He next examined where his mom had printed his name. It was in ink! Damn! His mom must have switched to a pen after checking the first box, which was the only thing written in pencil. He starred at his name "LORIN". He was named after the great conductor Lorin Maazel, whom his parents had heard conduct the Cleveland Orchestra in Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. They were fond of telling the story of how the evening had been a revelation for them as to how wonderful music could be. And when Lorin was born a short time afterward they felt that naming him Lorin was the least they could do to honor the beauty that Maazel brought to the earth.
Lorin got up and found a pen with black ink. He noticed that there was a slight gap between the "O" and "R" in "LORIN". He carefully added a stroke turning the "O" into a large lower case "a" and then placed a thin "U" between the "a" and the "N". He also turned the "I" into a capitol "E". The result was "LAUREN BAXTER." This spelling of Lauren as in Lauren Bacall had long been the name he had given to himself in his fantasies. He considered it providential that the sound of his name was appropriate to both girls and boys. It was just one more thing that made him feel like he was close to the opposite sex. He had even once kept a secret diary in which he signed the entrees as "Lauren" but had been so scared that his parents or someone else might find it that he had ripped it up and thrown it away.
The only thing left to fix on the application was the information about being a returning camper. This would be hard to correct. It was getting late. He did not have time to think of something. He scribbled on top of the "5" so it was illegible and then put a large "X in the box for new camper and scribbled lightly over the "x" his mother had written in the box indicating a returning camper. He looked at the result. It looked pretty weird, like how could someone make a mistake about whether they were a returning camper or not? It would have to suffice.
Quickly he turned to the part of the application his mom wanted him to fill out. Under activities was a list of items, such as swimming, archery and so forth and the instructions were to check one's favorite five. He checked "arts and crafts", "dress making", and "theater" and then decided he had better put down a couple of more athletic activities, so he also checked "swimming" and "dance". In years past he had always put down "riflery" but it didn't seem like something that Lauren would like. The last thing was to write a few lines about himself. He could not think of anything. In years past he had said that he liked doing things like white water rafting, but that had never been an activity for the lower camp. Only the boys in the upper camp took an overnight canoeing trip each year. I've got to just stick something there he said to himself. He wrote in a swirly handwriting that was like Penny's: "I've always liked fashion and I can't wait to see the pretty dresses at the Cotillion this year. I'm looking forward to making new friends with some nice girls." He read it back to himself and groaned. God does that sound stupid! He glanced up at the wall clock. I'm outta here! He put the application and check in the envelope his mom had left and sealed it. He ran around collecting his books and lunch and raced out of the house locking the door behind him.
Clutching the camp letter in his gloved hand, Lorin walked quickly down the block toward school. He knew there was a mailbox on his route, two blocks away, and when he got to it he stopped in front of it. His misgivings about what he was doing had grown with each step he had taken. The more he thought about what he was about to do, the guiltier he felt about his deceitfulness. He hesitated in front of the box not knowing what to do. It was way too risky. It was crazy even. His parents would find out and how could he ever explain what he had done? They'll send him to a psychiatrist, for sure. He trembled at the thought of his dad knowing he wanted to pretend to be a girl. I can just rip open the envelope and change the application back to being correct. It would be messy, but it would still be OK. He resumed walking toward school. He had gotten just a few steps when he remembered the picture of the girls at the Cotillion and he stopped. I can't miss that, I want it so bad! What is really not fair is that Camp Dan won't let me be in the upper camp. I can just say that I had to go to camp Shoni because it was not fair otherwise!
Lorin took a step back toward the mailbox and then stopped again. God, help me. I just want to go to the Cotillion. Is that bad? Trapped in indecision, it finally occurred to him that if he did not mail the letter, he would have to face the agony of regretting that he had given up this opportunity to be Lauren. However much guilt he would feel for his deceit, it would not be as bad as the pain he would feel for not having tried to be her. He ran back to the mailbox, opened the lid and let the letter slip from his fingers. The moment it fell in he felt a wave of fear at the enormity of what he had done. He walked away in a state of shock. What in the world have I done? How can I get so obsessed? What happens if Camp Shoni is full? Being a new camper I will be put behind returning campers. I could end up not having a camp to go to. It would ruin my parents' trip to Asia, besides the fact that they would find out that I had tried to sneak myself into a girls' camp. What an idiot I am, he thought. The anxiety he felt was close to becoming unmanageable. Maybe I should just confess what I've done. There is still time to get a new application for camp Dan. He could send it to the camp with a note explaining that the other application was a joke. He could say that a friend of his had done it as a practical joke. He'd also have to tell his parents about the same lie. It would be impossible to convince them of that. He heard his name being called and looked up. It was his best friend Kenny coming toward him. This was going to be the fist secret he had ever kept from Kenny except for his big secret, of course. Uneasily, he decided to just try and forget what he had done. He would deal with it later. The die had been cast. He would have to wait and see if he got accepted at Camp Shoni. If he did, who knows, he might just end up at the cotillion wearing a pretty dress.
Chapter 2
During English class, while the teacher Mr. Oster wrote twenty five spelling words on the blackboard for the class to copy, Lorin starred at Penny's pretty back. The outline of her bra strap was easy to see and he was sure that he was in love with her. He would have loved to ask Penny on a date, but he knew that she hung out with a group of kids that were older and cooler than himself. He could not imagine that Penny would want to date him. His thoughts drifted to Camp Shoni. He might just end up going, he realized. It was possible that everything would fall into place and then he'd be there with all the pretty girls and he could be with them all the time. He imagined himself in a skirt and camp tee shirt and white tennis sneakers in a crowd of girls. He'd be wearing a bra just as Penny was now. By the end of the summer he'd probably feel as natural in a bra as Penny does. But the initial time would probably be a shock. It was hard to imagine how that would be, and then later at the end of the summer when he might actually find himself getting ready for the cotillion. His dress would be on a hanger waiting for him to put on. The girls would be sitting in the cabin in their slips putting on make up, combing their hair and chatting with each other. Everyone would be making an extra effort to be really nice, telling everyone how much they liked everyone's dresses and how pretty they were. They would be talking about the different boys they had met that summer and who would be their dates at the cotillion. The uneasy thought passed through Lorin's mind that he actually did not have a dress and it was hard to figure out how he could ever get one. Maybe they give the girls dresses to wear, he wondered.
Lorin was taken out of his reverie by Mr. Oster saying, "and you Mr. Baxter, pronounce the next word out loud and see if you can figure out what it means."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Oster, what word did you mean?"
"Lorin, it's not like you to daydream in class! Pay attention."
"I'm sorry, sir."
"We were up to the third word."
Lorin looked at it and read aloud: "'deception'. I guess that means when you trick someone into believing something to be true that isn't."
"Very good. Now use it in a sentence," Mr. Oster said.
Lorin thought a minute and said, "John's deception had gone on long enough. He would now have to admit to being a boy."
The class laughed uproariously and after a minute Mr. Oster said, "very good Lorin, a bit strange, but very good."
For the next several weeks the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not he was accepted at Camp Shoni weighed heavily upon Lorin and he was in a state of perpetual anxiety. If he could at least know that he was rejected by the camp, then he could confess to his parents, suffer whatever punishment they wanted to give him, and then hopefully end up in another camp. He would have learned a big lesson and he could go forward with his life from there. On the other hand, as soon as he knew that Camp Shoni accepted him he could start the seemingly impossible task of figuring out what he had to do so that he could fit in with the girls.
While waiting for the verdict, every day his mind fostered ever more anxiety producing fantasies in which something would go wrong to cause him and his family great pain or embarrassment. A recurring scenario centered on his parents' reaction to finding out he wanted to pretend to be a girl. In this his mom and dad became so upset they had to cancel their trip to Asia at which point his dad lost his job and the family became homeless. In another fantasy, his secret got discovered a month into the camp season and the director called the police who came and locked him up at the police station until his parents came back from Asia. His parents never forgave him for what he had done and he ended up in a foster home. Clearly, it would be a miracle to somehow get through the whole summer without being caught. Just one more reason why he had been incredibly stupid to have done what he had done.
The worrying became so omnipresent that Lorin prayed that an answer, any answer, would just come quickly. He thought of calling the camp office and telling them to switch his application to Camp Dan. They would certainly remember Lorin Baxter at the same address as Lauren Baxter. He would just say that someone had changed the application as a practical joke and he had only just learned about it. Of course, the secretary might want to speak to his parents, in which case his mom and dad would want to know whom the practical jokester was. Lorin would be stuck. He could never ask Kenny to pretend being the culprit. In fact, it was painful to imagine Kenny knowing about his secret desires! That would be the end of his friendship and surely everyone at school would find out about his wanting to be a girl in about two seconds.
Lorin had trouble concentrating at school or on his homework assignments and his grades began to take a dip. He felt antsy and slept in fits. And then finally one night when he had taken a shower and was drying himself off he looked in the long mirror inside the bathroom door and realized that he had never even thought about the most important thing of all: people would have to look at him and see a girl. Not a boy. It was not just about pretending to be a girl or wearing girls' clothes. It was about the girls in the camp seeing him physically as being a girl. He starred at his penis. It was a dead give away. If he had to shower with the other girls like he used to shower with the guys at camp Dan, then he would not even make it one day at camp. "What have I gotten myself into?" he asked himself. He looked up at his face and saw a boys face. He took his hair and arranged it so that it covered his ears and framed his face. "At best I sorta look like a rock musician," he thought.
Later, in bed, he got out the camp brochure and opened it up to the pictures from Camp Shoni. He examined the faces and hairstyles of the girls, longing to see why they looked like girls and why he did not. It dawned on him that if he only had bangs, like many of the girls in the pictures, he might then look a million times more like a girl. How could he get bangs he wondered? It would mean having to find someone who knew how to cut girls hair and then getting them to cut his. Not just cut his hair. Change him from boy to girl. He could not even have his hair cut before he left for camp. It all seemed so impossible. He felt a huge, new, wave of anxiety.
One evening a week later his mom paid him a visit in his room after supper.
"Lorin, today I got a call from Mr. Oster. Apparently your teachers had a team meeting and in their discussion they compared notes about you and came to the conclusion that you are not being yourself. They feel there is something that is distracting you from doing the A work they have always gotten from you."
"I'm not failing anything!" Lorin exclaimed.
"No, no, they say that your grades are now mostly in the B range. For anyone else they would not even notice, but you have always been a solid A student. They were hoping that I could tell them what might be weighing upon your mind."
"I don't know mom. I guess I didn't study enough for a couple of tests. I'll try and study more."
"The question is why didn't you study enough for the tests. What is distracting you from studying?"
"Nothing mom."
"Lorin, don't be evasive. We both know there is a problem here and if you tell me then I'll be able to help you with it."
"But mom, there's no problem."
"Are any of the boys bullying you?"
"No way! Where did you get that from?"
"I'm just guessing. Well, perhaps I need to bring your father in on the discussion."
"No wait mom. The only thing is I guess that I've been thinking a lot lately about..."
He hesitated, feeling embarrassed. "Go on, Lorin," his mother said kindly.
"I think about Penny. She sits in front of me in English."
Lorin's mother face broke out into a smile. "A girl? Is that what this is all about?"
"I think I guess I have a sort of crush on her." He thought about her bra strap and then his favorite memory of her white bra against her skin.
"That's a perfectly normal thing for a young boy. Your father could talk to you about it."
"I know mom. I guess I was thinking of talking to dad about dating. You know I sort of want to ask her out. But..."
As gently as she could his mom said, "But what, Lorin?"
"But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll have no interest in me. She'll laugh at me!" For some strange reason Lorin felt tears coming on and stopped talking.
"These fears are perfectly normal. But I'm sure that Penny would never make fun of you for asking her out. Even if she did not want to see you, say she had another boyfriend, she would still be flattered by your attention. I know, since I was a girl once a long time ago and every girl loves to be asked out. Particularly by someone as handsome and smart as you."
The attention caused a few tears to roll out of Lorin's eyes and his mother felt a pang of love for her son's vulnerability. She slid next to him on the bed and gave him a hug. Lorin composed himself and said, "I know it's wrong to let my thoughts of Penny distract me, so I think I can stop doing that. I also will see about asking her out."
"Good, you should. I hope you will talk to your dad about it. He was pretty good with getting himself dates, and I think that I prove that!"
Lorin and his mom laughed at the joke. Before leaving his room his mom said, "I love you Lorin."
"I love you too mom," Lorin replied.
After that conversation Lorin felt even guiltier than he had before. It was true that he thought about Penny and about asking her out. But he knew it certainly was not the reason for his not studying. He decided that come what may, he would get his grades back up again, if for no other reason than to prevent his mom and dad from poking around into what he was thinking about.
Several weeks went by and finally on the first of April he came home just before dinnertime, after playing at Kenny's house after school. His mom called to him when he came in saying "there's a big envelope for you from Camp Dan." Camp Dan? How could that be? How could Camp Dan be admitting him? It was such a surprise. How could they? The camp secretary must have realized who he was and put him back into Camp Dan. Lorin felt a huge disappointment. All that worrying for nothing! It all made sense. The secretary would take one look at the name Lauren Baxter and figure out that someone was playing some sort of joke. Lorin went to where the mail was kept on a small table next to the front door. He saw a large white envelope and picked it up. It was addressed to "Lauren Baxter." Why did they spell my name wrong he wondered. Since the envelope was large he knew it had to be an acceptance. Why else would they send such a large bulky envelope? He walked up the stairs to his room and shut the door. Sitting on his bed he starred at the front of the envelope. Lauren Baxter, plain as day. He couldn't believe his mother hadn't noticed. He flipped over the envelope to look at the return address. Expecting to see Camp Dah-nes-tsa, instead he saw in large letters, Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad and its address at Lake Navajo. Oh my God! Mom must not even have looked at the back of the envelope! She had just assumed it was camp Dan! He danced around the room pumping the air with his fist. I can't believe it! I got in! I'm going to be Lauren this summer! I'll be at the cotillion! He twirled and twisted around the room in excitement. He fell on the bed and then jumped up and got the brochure and once again looked at the Cotillion picture. "I'm going to be there! I'm really going to have a pretty dress and be there with all the girls." He closed his eyes and imagined wearing stockings and putting on a petticoat and a dress and make up and arranging his hair. "And I'll have beautiful shoes with high heels!"
He sat back on the bed and then shivered with the thought of what would have happened had his mother seen the return address. Why hadn't he thought of that? It unnerved him to realize how exposed to being caught he had been. He should have come home straight from school every single day like he usually did, so he could be the one to check the mail. He vowed that from then until he left for camp that was what he would have to do in case Camp Shoni sent any other letters.
He ripped open the envelope and took out the contents. Before looking at what was inside he tore the empty envelope in such a way that the words "Lauren" and "Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad" were cut down the middle. Then he ripped off the bits of paper containing these words, wadded them up and put them in his mouth and then spit them into the trashcan. One less piece of evidence, he thought.
He next looked at the top sheet of the camp papers. It was a personalized letter:
|
Lorin danced around his room again, skipping, twirling, giddy with happiness. "I'm going to be a girl! I'm going to be a girl!" He couldn't believe it. How had he actually gotten his application accepted? It didn't matter. It was done! He sat down on his bed and looked at the next sheet in the packet. At the top it said, "Recommended Items for Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad." There was a long list of things. It started:
Clothing:
6 bras (2 sportsbras)
12 panties
2 pair pantyhose
6 pair white socks
6 pair anklets
1 half slip
1 full slip
6 shorts
3 skirts
12 blouses (3 buttoned)
2 bathing suits
2 pair sneakers
2 pair walking shoes
1 pair hiking boots
1 pair heels
2 nightgowns
2 dresses
1 gown and crinoline (for cotillion)
Toiletries/Makeup:
lipstick, eyeliner, rouge, nail polish and remover hair spray
brush/comb
hand mirror
hair dryer
deodorant
razor and shaving gel
2-3 month supply of Tampax
cotton balls, Q-tips
At the bottom it said: "Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad does not permit piercings of any kind except earrings."
He went back to the top of the page. 6 bras? How in the world would he ever get six bras? He had never thought about how he could possibly get even one. And the slips, skirts and dresses? And pantyhose? How would he get this stuff? How did he know what size to get? Where could he get it?
A knock on the door interrupted his reverie. "Honey, can I come in?" he heard his mom call.
He collected the papers from the camp and clutched them tightly. "Sure, mom."
His mother entered. "Dinner is in a couple of minutes. You should wash up. What did the camp say?"
"I got in. It's just the usual stuff. What to bring and you know, the activities questionnaire."
"Right. Let me have the list of things to bring, and I suppose I need the transportation info."
"I'm... still... looking it over, ...sort of" Lorin said haltingly.
"Well, let me have it when you're done. I need to see what we ought to buy."
"OK, mom." He said this in a clipped voice like he was obviously nervous.
His mother looked at him strangely. He prayed that she wouldn't ask him what was the matter.
"Are you still bothered about Penny?"
"Yeah, a little. But I got a 95 on the science quiz. I studied real hard."
"I'm glad to hear that. Your dad says you haven't talked to him about dating. I think you should."
"OK mom, I will tonight."
"Good. Dinner is in five minutes. Wash up and come down to dinner."
As soon as his mom left the room, Lorin stole a quick look at the activities sheet. It said that the girls at Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad bunked 8 to a cabin, with one counselor per cabin. Each cabin of girls were classified as being either "Wolves" or "Bunnies" depending on whether they preferred athletics to more artistic pursuits such as music, theater, painting and crafts. Usually each age level had at least two bunny cabins and two wolf cabins. The camp classified each camper into bunny or wolf depending on how they answered the questionnaire that they were supposed to mail back as soon as possible. It said that the camp tried to keep as many bunnies together and wolves together as possible. But if you were a bunny and found yourselves with the wolves or a wolf and you found yourself with mostly bunnies, you'd still have a marvelous summer. Lorin laughed at that. He knew he was going to be a bunny. He did not mind playing sports but he knew that he would be far more interested in activities that would give him a chance to hang out with the other girls and just talk about girl things. If they let the girls help plan the cotillion he would definitely try and be on the committee. It would be fun to make decorations or whatever else they might need to do.
He put the papers underneath his schoolbooks and headed downstairs for dinner. He remembered that his mom wanted the list of what to bring and the transportation info. He hoped she would forget about it until he had time to think of an excuse for not giving it to her. He could just pretend to have lost it, but that might make her angry. In any case she would certainly call the camp for a replacement copy. Whoever answered the phone at camp Dan might say there is no Lorin Baxter signed up for the summer. He felt conflicted inside. He did not like one bit the thought of having to make so many lies to his parents. One big lie was enough. A lot of little lies felt bad and he did not see how he could get away with too many of them before he was found out.
When dinner was over and he was clearing the dishes his dad said, "Lorin, your mom says that there is something you would like to discuss with me."
"Oh yeah, dad," Lorin said.
"What's that Lorin?" his sister Stephanie said.
"NOYB" Lorin said.
"It's a man-to-man talk?" Stephanie said.
"Yeah, it's man-to-man and I can't discuss it with you," Lorin said.
Stephanie chuckled. "It must be about dating. Do you have a crush on a girl?"
"Stephanie!" Lorin was not happy about being teased.
"Yes, Stephanie," his dad said. "Lorin and I are going to have a manto -man chat. And if I end up imparting to him some of the famous Baxter dating technique, well all I can say is that there will be a bunch of very happy girls out there!"
Lorin blushed while his dad and sister laughed. From the other room Lorin's mom said, "I heard that! When you're done with your chat you Baxter boys can use some of your Baxter techniques to clean the dishes. I've got to bring some soup to Mrs. McGonagle who's feeling a bit piqued today." Mrs. McGonagle lived in the house whose yard abutted Lorin's family's property across the back fence. She was a recent widow: her husband had been a train engineer and had been killed in a freak accident while switching engines at the train yard.
"So what's up?" Lorin's dad asked. "I heard that your grades have jumped back up and you've fallen head over heels for some girl in your class."
"Well I sorta guess so dad. It's Penny who I sit behind in English class. She's very pretty. Sometimes it's hard to not look at her."
"Her back?"
"Yeah, well it is her back but I can sometimes see." Lorin hesitated. He did not exactly know where he was headed and felt embarrassed.
"See what?"
"I can see her straps. Under her blouse. And I once saw through the arm hole of her shirt."
"Oh, you mean you saw her bra?"
"Yeah, I saw a good view of it." Lorin was sweating profusely. He could not quite figure out why he was telling this to his dad.
He glanced at his dad's face. He was smiling from ear to ear and his eyes had crinkled to little slits. It seemed like his dad was trying to control himself and then all or a sudden he burst out into a huge laugh. He guffawed and shook with laughter. "I'm sorry Lorin. I'm truly sorry. I shouldn't laugh." He lost control of himself and laughed some more.
Lorin looked at him smiling. Even though he felt a bit ridiculous. It was nice to have made his dad laugh so hard.
His dad finally collected himself and said, "it's perfectly normal. It's just normal, Lorin. Those little straps. Those little peeks men take at them and anything else they can see. All men are doing that all the time. It's what those straps symbolize. Something that's over the great divide. It's something that you and I will never know about. A world that is forever lost to us. A bra strap on a shoulder. A tiny little thing, but it's so packed with meaning since it's only for women. It's something only they know about wearing. And it's something that only they know about wearing since only they have youknow -whats."
Inwardly, Lorin felt scared. Hearing his dad say "it's only for women," made him see that he had been too easy on himself these past few weeks. No matter how much he wanted to be in the cotillion, it did not suffice to make it OK to do what he was doing. The lying, the deception (Mr. Oster would be proud of him) were wrong. Just wrong.
"So it's OK to think about that? I mean I think of Penny's bra a lot."
"And what's in them?" his dad said.
Lorin blushed bright red. "Yeah, of course," he said. But the truth was that he had never gotten that far. The bra itself had been as much as he could handle. His father was clearly enjoying this opportunity to have an intimate conversation with his son.
"Lorin. Did you ever hear of Victoria's Secret? A billion dollar industry devoted to purveying underwear for women? Why do they do such a huge business? Why are they in every mall? Or take France for example. Every block in Paris has its perfumery, its bakery, a cafe and a little shop selling bras. It's because of exactly what you and every man feels when he sees a woman wearing those pretty little things."
What he wanted to say to his dad but was afraid to say was: "I think of Penny's bra a lot because I want to have one of my own. I wish that I could wear bras the same way she has to, and all the other girls. I feel left out. Some days I am so jealous of Penny I don't know what to do. I don't think that it's fair that she gets to wear bras and I can't."
"I guess I was afraid there was something wrong with me," Lorin finally said.
"Where do you get such notions?" his dad said. "You probably need to talk more with your friends. That's probably the way most boys sort of learn about girls. Even better than that, once you get a few dates under your belt you'll feel so much more comfortable with girls. Of course they will always be a mystery to guys. They think differently than we do and I don't know if there has ever been a man who completely understands them. If he did, he'd make a gazillion dollars."
Lorin and his dad laughed. Their conversation turned into a monologue in which his dad boasted somewhat nostalgically of his dating exploits. It was pretty interesting and also informative and Lorin hoped that he would have the courage to ask Penny out on a date. When they were done talking, Lorin felt closer to his dad than he could ever remember being. He also felt a low dull ache in his heart thinking of the secret he was hiding from him and what his dad would think of him if he found out. "Thanks dad for the little talk. I feel better and I think I will ask Penny out."
Later that evening Lorin thought about what his dad had said in their conversation. Not only did he have to look like a girl and have all the girls see him as one, he would have to talk like a girl, say things a girl would say. He could not talk the way boys do in front of them. It was just one more impossible thing he would have to figure out in the next three months. As his mind flitted through the myriad things he would have to do before camp and the myriad problems he would have to solve, it occurred to him that he needed to formulate a plan. He would have to be systematic, he decided. What he'd do was start a diary and in his diary he'd put down all his ideas for solving his problems.
He remembered that his sister had been given three diaries for Christmas from different friends and relatives. She had made clear to all that she never kept diaries and that she certainly did not need three at once. The diaries had been put in a drawer in the living room that held paper supplies and other stuff for school. Lorin went downstairs and seeing that no one was around opened the drawer and saw the diaries. Two of them were relatively plain white leatherette. The third was pink with daisies on it and had a picture of Barbie on the front and a slot within which was a card saying "This Barbie diary belongs to," with blank space to write a name. There was also a latch with a small key taped next to it, which could be used to lock the diary shut. Lorin took the Barbie diary and raced back up to his room and closed the door and sat down on his bed. He took out the card and wrote on it "Lauren". He sat back on the bed and read "This diary belongs to Lauren." He took the key and tried it in the lock. It turned and he pulled at the latch and opened the book. The pages of the diary were a light pink color with a faint picture of Barbie smiling from the upper left side. The first few pages had places to write in the names of ones best girl friends, what one wanted to be when one grew up, ones favorite song, movie, TV show and other things. The last few pages had space to list boys you had a crush on, and the name of your boy friend.
He turned to the first blank page. On the top left was written "Dear Barbie," and to the right was a place for the date. Lorin wrote, April 1. On the first line he wrote:
|
He sat back smiling. This is going to be so much fun. His own Barbie diary. He wondered if Penny had a diary. He closed the book and locked it. Once again he heard his mom calling for him from outside his door. "One minute, mom," he yelled out. He lifted up his mattress and stuck the diary underneath and then opened the door.
"I just came by to get the camp stuff, before you lose it."
"Oh, OK, I'll bring it to you in a minute. I'm almost done looking at it."
"Be quick about it. It's getting late!"
"OK mom." He forced himself to smile at her. The moment she left his face contorted into an expression of anguish. What in the world was he going to do? He took another look at the camp forms. All he could do was say he had lost them. Camp Dan certainly did not have bunnies and wolves! The guys wouldn't be expected to bring 6 bras to camp, would they?. He could just say that one minute he had them, the next minute they were gone. She would believe that about two seconds! He looked at the info sheet and saw that the camp had a web address: www.ne-zhoni-ah-tad.com. What if camp Dan also had a website? He wondered if they had any camp information there. He ran to the computer on his desk and typed in an equivalent web address for Camp Dan. It came back with a message saying that the website did not exist. Damn! He then typed in the address of camp Shoni. It came up in a few seconds. At the top there was a button for "home". He clicked on it, and a page appeared saying "Camps of Lake Navajo." Below that was a button to click for each camp and he clicked on the one for Camp Dan. It brought him to the homepage of Camp Dan. Thank God, he thought. The web address was exactly www.dah-nes-tsa.com. Puzzled he looked at the history and saw that he had previously typed in www.dah-new-tsa.com. What an idiot he was! On the Camp Dan web page was a section entitled "information for campers." He could not believe how lucky he was! In the information section there was a page listing recommended items. He looked it over and saw that it was exactly like the one for camp Shoni, but did not say anything about 6 bras! Another page gave bus information and everything just like camp Shoni. He hit the print button and a minute later he had the forms for Camp Dan in his hand. All he was missing was the cover letter and he was sure his mom would not care about that. He hurried to his mom's room and gave her the pages.
"Here mom. I guess the camp looks pretty good, I guess, even though I won't be in the upper camp." He didn't exactly know why he had to lie just then, but he felt compelled to do so.
"I'm glad you're trying to make the best of it. It's always good to have a positive attitude."
Lorin went back to his room feeling relieved that he had successfully passed the first big test of his deception. He wondered what other difficult situations were in store for him in the months to come and would he be as lucky the next time around as he was this time.
Chapter 3
In English class the next day Lorin took frequent peeks at Penny sitting in front of him. She was wearing a gray, ribbed top with a collar and the outline of her bra was barely visible if at all. He was determined that he was going to ask her out on a date this very day. Besides the fact that his mom and dad would probably continue to bug him about it until he did, he also had to admit that being on a date with her was probably right up there with going to the cotillion. Well, that would be true if Penny felt towards him as he felt towards her. She would have to want to hold his hand or even kiss him. Then he imagined she would encourage him to gently place his hand on top of her bra and then slowly move it inside her bra cup. He felt overcome with desire for Penny. He knew that if he did not do something about it soon he would bust.
After English class was lunch. Sometimes Lorin found himself walking to the cafeteria next to Penny in the crush of kids. It would be a perfect time to ask her out. When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, Mr. Oster excused the class and Lorin watched Penny to see what she did. She got up and looked around. When she saw Lorin looking at her she smiled at him and Lorin looked away and then back at her. It seemed to him she might be looking for one of her friends to accompany her to the cafeteria. Before she did so, he would have to act. He summoned up his nerve and said, "Penny?". She stopped and turned toward him. While they had known each other for quite some time, they had not had many occasions to get to know each other on a more personal basis. One exception had been in biology lab where they and two other kids had dissected a frog together. There had also been an occasion during a class trip to Philadelphia when their tour had stopped at Betsy Ross's house. Lorin had asked the docent if there was any real proof that Betsy Ross had sewn the first flag since he had heard that historians claim otherwise: the story that she had done so was just a myth perpetrated by her family to gain notoriety. Penny had overheard his remarks and chimed in saying that she had heard the same thing. Lorin had been happy to have this affirmation since the docent had been less than excited at hearing Lorin's comment. Later, when he had boarded the school bus for the trip home he had seen Penny sitting alone in a seat next to the window. It was the perfect opportunity to sit next to her and he had looked at her and had seen that she was looking at him. He had been about to sit next to her when her eyes left him to look at someone further behind him boarding the bus. In that split second he lost his nerve since he thought it might mean that she wanted to sit with someone else. Lorin ended up sitting in the seat directly behind her where he could see the top of her head but she could not see him. Later, another girl sat next to Penny and Lorin had subsequently felt regret for the lost opportunity to get to know her better.
"Yes?" Penny said as she walked toward the door.
Lorin could see that this was going to be an out-of-body experience for himself. He heard himself say, "I wanted to ask you something."
"What Lorin?"
Lorin followed her and glanced around to make sure no one else was within earshot. "I was going to ask..." he said and then paused afraid to go on. Then suddenly he said, "you know I like you?" He felt ridiculous and imagined that Penny might laugh at any second.
"Sure. Why shouldn't you?" she said.
Lorin suddenly could not think straight. Her answer raised as many questions as it answered. "I wanted to ask you out," he said finally. They were almost to the door of the classroom.
"Why didn't you?" Penny said.
Her answer was so unexpected Lorin laughed. He could not tell if she was making a joke or being encouraging, and he was not sure what he should say next. It was clearly so much more complicated than he thought it would be.
"I mean, I am asking you out. I wanted to see you. I thought we could go to a movie or something."
Penny smiled at him. "Sure Lorin that would be fun." She said it simply and sweetly. "Call me," she said. "Do you have my number?" He shook his head. She got out a pen and wrote it on Lorin's notebook. Then she said, "I've got to meet Janice," and she took off down the hall.
It would be an understatement to say that Lorin was happy the rest of the day. Even though he saw Penny during his afternoon classes, he did not talk to her. He felt very aware of her presence and what she was doing. He was fearful of ending the magic feeling that he had: no matter what else might ever happen, there was an afternoon in his life when Penny wanted to go out on a date with him.
That night after doing his homework Lorin took out his diary and wrote:
|
Lorin checked his cookie jar and found that he had $192.37. He figured that should be more than enough to get some bras. He opened up a recent "One Hanes Place" catalog that he had taken out of the paper recycle bin. The sheer number of different types of bras confused him and he often wondered how women ever figured out which style to wear. For reasons he could not identify it made him sad that many girls were probably not wearing the best possible bra for their body, since they had likely never even had a chance to explore all the different kinds of bras. Now for the first time he could not afford to remain confused. He had to figure out what bra would be appropriate for a 13-year-old girl and that was the kind he would have to get. There would be no opportunity to decide at an actual store, since he imagined that it would be bad enough just walking into the bra section to pick out a bra or two, let alone look at lots of bras trying to decide on a good one to get. His plan was to know exactly what to buy so he could just go right to it, take it off the rack and bring it to the sales clerk. He hoped the clerk would be a kind older woman who would not think that anything extraordinary was going on. If she might actually give him a wink of understanding, to make him feel more comfortable, all the better, but he doubted that that would occur.
He opened up the catalog and saw on the first page a woman wearing a blue bra and matching panty. In large type it said "bras that breathe." Seeing the color made him wonder if he should get some bras of different colors. He thought that most bras were white, like Penny's, but he also had hoped that at least one of his bras might be pink. Now he wondered if having many different color bras might be even more natural than having only white bras. He decided that he would have to pay a visit to his sister's bra drawer and see what colors she had. He turned the page and saw pictures of women wearing similar kinds of bras to the blue one. They looked like they had large breasts; not at all like what he imagined he would look like in a bra. The next page had bras with "convertible straps" and then "action backs" where the straps came from the center of a band in the back. On the next pages the bras were supposed to offer "cotton comfort." He thought that many of the bras were pretty, particularly a Wonderbra "Love it Lace," but the model looked to be almost his mom's age and he figured the bra could not be for him.
He came to several pages of seamless underwire bras. He counted 21 bras spread over 4 pages. Most were white but several were pink and blue. There was a Bali "Live it Up" bra that had pretty red and pink flowers on a white background. The design was called "Rosy Petals." According to the description, by wearing this bra "one could achieve the lift and shape one never knew one had." It couldn't be referring to him, Lorin thought. He could not imagine that putting on that bra would give him breasts. There was then a page of special needs bras for posture, maternity and leisure styles. He skipped this and came to a full page of a model wearing a beautiful pink bra. The section was "Classic underwires" and the bra was a Flower Bali. There was a cute thin bow in the middle of the bra between the cups and a sort of lace design over the top part. The woman had her arms crossed in a very feminine way with her hands holding her elbows. The description of the bra caught his eye: "USA's best selling department store full support underwire!" It came in pale pink, black, white and light beige. Lorin was encouraged by the idea that it must be for sale everywhere. It's probably selling right here in town, he thought.
On the next page was a section on minimizer bras. "Minimize your bust line up to 1 1/4". Some women must want to not look like they have big breasts, Lorin thought. He then felt discouraged. All these bras are for women with breasts. I'll look stupid wearing a bra with no breasts in the cups. He threw the magazine down on his desk with disgust. How in the world did any woman decide what kind she wanted to wear? Maybe they try on every single one until they find one they like. He wished he could ask his mom about it. He imagined coming up to her one day while she was cooking dinner and saying, "Mom, I have a question for you."
"Yes, dear?" she would say.
"Well mom I was wondering how you decided what bra to buy. What kind of style, brand, color? It's so confusing!"
His mom would blush a little and so would he. Finally she would say, "You know Lorin, you're right. But I buy the kind of bra I buy because...." And that was exactly where the little fantasy would end. He had no idea what she would say.
Lorin went back to the catalog. He knew enough about bras to know that they had different cup sizes; the guys frequently made jokes about girls having "D size" boobs. He assumed that he would never qualify for a C or D bra and probably not even a B. But he wondered if A would be right for him. He looked through the pages to see if there were any "A" cup bras for sale. He saw that there were a few here and there but the great majority of the bras started with B cups and then went larger. He wondered if there might be a section devoted to just "A" cup bras. He turned through the pages beyond where he had gotten and came to a section devoted to bras lacking underwire. There were many pictures but the women in them looked to be just as busty as the ones with underwire. A number of the bras did come in "A" cup size but still they did not seem like they would fit him. After this there was a special section devoted to bras in half sizes. The women in these pictures seemed to be a bit smaller breasted than the other women. Across the top of the page it said "a little more than an A... a little less than a B. ...does a B feel a little snug... a C is too roomy?" These women really did have smaller breasts than the others. He then noticed a picture of a woman wearing a very pretty pink bra. It was a Playtex "Thank Goodness It Fits" bra. The description said: "smooth matte cups, softly framed in feminine stretch lace on all sides. Lightly lined seamless cups - great for tees and other knits." It came in white, pink, and naturally beige. He noticed that the sizes were 32 - 36 NA, A, 34 - 38 NB, B. He wondered what NA and NB meant. He followed the asterisks to a footnote indicating "see sizing on page 46."
He hurriedly turned to page 46 and saw that there was a sizing chart for bras. There was a picture of a woman wearing a bra and panties and next to her was a woman in a black suit reading a tape measure that ran around the chest of the first woman just underneath her bra. Next to the picture it said:
- Measure Band Size: Measure under your arms, high on your back, around the top of your chest. If this measurement is an even number, then this is your band size, if this measurement is an odd number, then add 1" to determine your band size. For example, 35" becomes 36".
- Measure Cup Size: With bra on and clothes off, measure around fullest part of bust.
Compare bust measurement to band measurement: If difference is: 0" 1" 2" 3" 4" 5" 6" 7" 8" 9" then cup size is: AA A B C D DD DDD F G H.
Making sure to hide the magazine, Lorin went to retrieve a tape measure that he knew his mom kept near a sewing machine in the utility room off the family room. After he found it he excitedly rushed back to his room. Safely there he took off his shirt and worked the tape measure around his chest following the instructions. It came to a bit less than 33". So he decided that his band width must be a 34. To measure cup size the directions said he would need to wear a bra. That did not make sense since the point of the measurement was to determine what bra he should wear. He decided that it could not matter too much so he would just measure himself without wearing a bra. He went to his mirror and turned sideways to see if he could find the fullest part of his bust. Unfortunately, every part of his breasts - if one could call them that - looked to be about the same projection. He encircled himself with the tape resting over his nipples and measured it to be 34. According to the guide that meant that he was an AA cup size since the difference between measurements was zero. Disappointed, he did both measurements over again and this time decided that their difference was at least half an inch, which meant that he was half way to an A cup. He concluded that he might get away with being a 34A this summer. Probably a good size for a teenage girl who is still awaiting her breasts to fully grow in.
Below the sizing chart there was a second chart whose title said "Playtex Thank Goodness It Fits." This chart said that a 1/2" difference in the two measurements corresponded to a "Nearly A". Oh my God, Lorin thought, that's perfect. I'm exactly a 34 NA! That's the kind of bra I should buy. Going back to the page with half size bras he realized that there were actually 8 different "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras displayed. The last one of these was a lace lift soft cup bra. The description said "the beauty of all-over lace belies the gentle lift of lightly padded cups." It came in size 34NA. He wondered exactly what "light padding" meant. Was there such a thing as heavy padding? At the bottom of the page he read for the second to last bra a description saying that it was "a seamless padded soft cup bra. Adds up to one inch and looks natural. Seamless molded cups are fiber-filled, so you can add an entire cup size. Adjustable Stay-Put stretch straps." It came in white, and black and while it did not come in 34NA it did come in 34A. Lorin contemplated the difference between this bra and the one with lightly padded cups. It dawned on him that girls whose breasts had not yet come in all the way probably would want to wear bras with some padding so they looked like they had more breasts than they actually had. That was exactly the problem that Lorin faced, so it was clearly what he needed to do. He felt elated that he had finally solved the mystery of bras, at least as it affected himself. He was a definite 34NA, not a 34A and, if he was willing to wear some padding, then he could gain one extra cup size. With the padded bra he would be something like a 34NB, not quite a 34B. But a 34B was the size of a real woman. It was perfect! He would just have to find where Playtex bras were sold and then look for the "Thank Goodness It Fits" section and then pick out the seamless padded soft cup bra. Maybe he could also get some of the lightly padded bras, in case he grew a little over the summer. After all if he spent his time as a girl might he not start to slowly turn into one? It seemed possible, though he suspected that it might not happen.
He laid back on his bed feeling totally satisfied with himself. Every little step is hard but I think I'm figuring it out. He got his diary and wrote as a P.S. to his previous letter to Barbie:
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Lorin thought about calling Penny that night, but decided against it, since it would be too soon after their conversation in class. Though he did not really want to acknowledge it, he also felt that he was in some sense being dishonest with Penny. She would not know what was going on in his head, his plan to be Lauren for the summer, his careful study of bras, his plan to go buy bras on the weekend. It added up to some major dishonesty and he felt sorry for her since he felt that he was taking advantage of her in some sense. On the other hand, as long as she never found out about it, she was protected, and he vowed that he would never ever give her any reason to be suspicious about his being a secret girl.
The next night Lorin called Penny if for no other reason than that any more procrastination and he would look like an idiot for having ever suggested they go out together. Besides, he did not like having things hanging over his head.
Promptly at 8:00 PM he dialed her number and immediately prayed that no one would answer. On the third rang he clearly heard Penny say "Hello." Nervously, he said "Hello, is Penny there?" realizing how dumb that was.
"Hi," Penny said.
"Oh, hi," Lorin said, "I recognized your voice."
"Yes."
"It's me Lorin."
"Yes, I know it's you."
"How are you?" Lorin said.
"OK."
"Is this a good time to call?"
"Sure, it's fine."
"I was wondering about when we could get together. Like this weekend."
"Let me check."
He heard her yell in the background, "What am I doing Saturday, mom?
"It's Lorin from my class.
"Sure, I know that.
"OK, OK, sure."
She got back on the line. "It would have to be Saturday afternoon. I'm baby sitting at night. I was going to meet Janice and some of the others at the lake. Why don't you come too?"
Lorin had not anticipated this response. He had wanted to be alone with her. The lake was near downtown. It was part of a park and many of the local kids hung out there occasionally. "Sure, Penny. That sounds cool."
"Meet me at my house at one. Janice is coming here too and we can all walk to the lake."
"Great," Lorin said, though he did not really mean it. The arrangement was not exactly a date, but on the other hand Penny was including him in her circle of friends. That certainly had to be a positive development. Of course it did slightly complicate his bra shopping. He would have to get that done early, get home to stash his bras and then run over to Penny's house, which was about a half mile away.
Saturday morning at quarter to ten Lorin left home to take the bus the two-mile drive to the small downtown area of the town he lived in. He often spent the weekend days with his friends, and as long as he was home for dinner at six, his mom and dad trusted him enough to not have to know exactly with whom he was playing or where. His dad was very proud of his getting a date with Penny and dismissed Lorin's concern that he would not be alone with her. He told him that it's always a good idea to get to know someone slowly. If it worked out Penny would make it clear that she wanted to see him alone in the future.
In the heart of downtown was an old fashioned department store, Jensen's, which was still hanging on despite competition from malls in the general vicinity. Lorin had often been taken to Jensen's by his mom to shop for clothes. On the second floor was the boys' and men's' department. On the first and third floors were things for girls and women. It was usually the case that besides buying pants or underwear or something for Lorin, his mom would want to spend some time in the women's section looking through the dresses, skirts and blouses. On more than one occasion his mom would go to the intimate apparel section on the third floor. When Lorin was very young he had no idea what was going on, but as he got older he realized more and more the significance of the racks of bras, panties, slips and nightgowns. Though he would try and act like he was oblivious to the clothes, inside he felt like he was in heaven. To be surrounded by the bras with their girlish colors, lace and straps, encouraged him to spin wonderful fantasies in which his mom would pick out bras and panties for him to wear and take him into the girls fitting room to have him try them on. His mom usually just looked at the bras or panties. Once she said to him, "I can't believe the price of bras nowadays," and Lorin had repeated the words over and over to himself. There was something exciting about having his mother share a secret about bras with him. It made him feel that she knew how much he also cared about bras. In the days following that episode he prayed many a night that his mother would suddenly tell him that she wanted to buy him a bra because she understood that her little boy was really a little girl.
Lorin had never focused too carefully on what brands of bras were sold at Jensen's but he did vaguely remember seeing a sign for Playtex. He rehearsed in his mind what he needed to do. He would enter the store, take the escalator up to the second floor, and walk around the boys department looking at some things. Then, he would purposefully take the up escalator to the third floor, make a right turn and walk to the intimate apparel section. He would take a quick look around to make sure there was no one he knew, then he would slip into the racks of bras making a quick pass through them to find the Playtex section. Then he would have to hope for some good luck in finding the "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras, and especially the padded bra in size 34A and the lightly padded 34NA bra. Then the really hard part came. He would have to nonchalantly carry the bras to the cash register and pay for them. Not until they were safely in a bag could he rest easy. It would be a difficult few minutes and he knew that he might look very nervous and that would be a dead giveaway. Anyway, Lorin felt confidant that he had little choice in the matter. He had to get some bras if he was to go to camp Shoni so he might as well have the courage to buy them.
A bus came along after a short wait and Lorin felt increasingly nervous during the trip to the town center. He had to tell himself many times that no one looking at him could possibly tell that he was planning to buy bras. He got off the bus at a stop in front of Jensen's and entered the store. He rode the escalator to the boys department and walked around pretending to look at some western shirts that were on display. Almost immediately a salesman came up to him to ask if he needed help. Lorin said, "just looking," and the man said that he should not hesitate to contact him if any questions arose.
Lorin wondered what would he do if a saleswoman asked him if he needed help while walking through the bra racks? It was something he hadn't thought about. He started panicking and then calmed himself down. He had not done anything yet. He would just go up to the third floor and see what the situation was. He could stop what he was up to any time he wanted. He headed to the up escalator and got on it. There was a fourth floor that was devoted to furniture, so with some relief he decided that no one seeing him going up had to believe he was going to the women's clothing sections. When he got off on the third floor he began trembling. There were numerous racks of dresses in front of him and he saw a few women shoppers and sales help scattered over the floor. He found himself walking around to the up escalator and going up to the fourth floor. Halfway up he began cursing at himself. What an idiot I am! He got off at the fourth floor, which was practically deserted and stood still telling himself to stop being ridiculous. Just walking through the third floor did not mean anything. He could just pretend to be looking for a present for his mother or sister. That thought reassured himself and he walked around to the down escalator and went back to the third floor. This time he got off and forced himself to walk slowly toward where he knew the bra section was. While he walked he tried to pretend to be oblivious to the women looking at the clothes. He noticed that the first few women he passed did not even seem to notice him and he felt encouraged.
He let himself focus more upon what kinds of dresses were for sale and saw that they were styles that must be for grown women since he could not imagine wanting any of them. He turned a corner and saw straight ahead the most beautiful dress he had ever seen in his life. It was on a mannequin. It was of a sort of ivory color and made of a filmy, gauzy, material in a bunch of layers. The skirt puffed out being supported by a petticoat or crinoline. The accumulated layers of material gave the dress an almost Cinderella like quality of delicacy, as if it came out of a Disney cartoon. The bust was tight with a shirred design over the chest and a pretty portrait neckline. The skirt was full and stood out over the crinoline with several layers of fabric gently laying one on top of another. It seemed soft and delicate. And perhaps most enthralling to Lorin was a faint floral design in a pale pink that ran throughout the material. The dress was so perfect he could not imagine finding a better one. If he did not get it, he knew he would be miserable.
Buying a dress was definitely not in his plan for the day. He had no preparation. He had no idea what size would fit. Besides, it probably cost a lot of money. What should he do? He had to have the dress. The desire was so strong he felt he would have to risk everything to get it. He walked to a rack next to the mannequin where about 10 of the dresses were hanging. He looked at a tag hanging off one. It said that the dress cost $109.00. It was so much less than he imagined that he felt euphoric. He had more than that in his pocket. He could just buy it and at least have that part of his camp preparation out of the way.
As he was deciding if it made sense to buy one of them, a saleswoman approached him. "May I help you?" she asked politely. She was wearing a name tag in which the name "Miriam" was embossed in large black letters.
"Thank you, I was just looking," Lorin said, "for my girl friend."
"It's a very pretty dress. Perfect for a prom. We get them in earlier and earlier each year and the girls snap them up. I think your girl friend would look very pretty in that dress."
Lorin said, "oh yeah. She sure would." He didn't think boys were supposed to care about girls' dresses. The woman must think he was weird. Lorin heard himself say, "I don't know exactly what size she is."
The woman seemed to find this answer cute and she said gently, "She probably ought to come in to try it on. The sizing these days can be tricky."
"Oh yeah, sure," Lorin said. "I'll come back with her."
"Don't wait too long. Dresses this pretty go very fast."
"Thanks," Lorin said and he turned around to leave.
The woman said, "Do you have any more questions?"
Lorin turned back and said, "Oh, no thanks, that's all I was wondering." He hesitated and then said, "Actually, does the thing underneath come with it?"
"Oh you mean the petticoat?"
"Yeah."
"I'm afraid that is extra."
"Do you sell petticoats?" Lorin asked.
"There are usually some for sale at the lingerie section. If not, girls usually get them from bridal shops."
"Thanks," Lorin said. "I guess I got to go. Thanks." He turned and walked back toward the escalators. When he got there he stopped and tried to gather his thoughts. He would have to figure out what size dress he needed and he would have to come back as soon as possible to get it. It would be great if that same woman would be there. She seemed to have no suspicion he wanted the dress for himself. But when could he come back? Not today, that was impossible. He could see that he was going to be extremely anxious worrying about whether or not all the dresses would be bought before he could come back. In any event he still had to do something about his bras. He had to try and enact his plan.
He walked the other direction from the escalator toward the lingerie section so he would avoid the saleswoman at the prom dresses. The dresses on this side of the floor were for "petites" whatever that meant. Lorin supposed it was smaller sized women. In any event the dresses were a bit prettier from his point of view than the ladies dresses, but still they did not seem like the kind of dresses he would want. Up ahead he saw the racks of bras. He walked toward them trying to keep a low profile and looking to see if anyone else was around. As far as he could tell there was nobody looking at the intimates, though on the opposite end of the racks there was a sales desk and a woman behind it who seemed to be busy with some paperwork. Just perfect Lorin thought. If he could just find the bras then he could go right up to her and pay for them. Just one woman to look at him like he was crazy. He entered into the racks looking for Playtex. He was shaking with worry. The bras were terribly foreign to him, belonging to a distant world of which he knew little and had no right to know. There had to be something very much wrong with himself that he was here in broad daylight walking through racks of bras. It had to be wrong, it was sick. On the other hand, he so desperately wished he had a bra. Really any bra would do. He was out of view of the woman at the desk. It was the perfect time to find the Playtex bras. He passed racks of Warner, Bali and Wacoal bras. Finally there was Playtex. Nowhere was there a sign saying what kind of Playtex bras. He would have to read the tags dangling from them to find out what they were. He picked up a tag from one. There was a picture of a beautiful woman wearing the bra. She looked unimaginably sexy and seductive and he wanted to be part of her world. Beneath the picture he saw that the label said "Cross Your Heart". Then he went to another rack and read "Secrets" on a tag. Damn, he thought to himself. Where are the "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras. Perplexed he looked around to see where else he should look. He was in a spot where he could see the woman behind the desk. She was now looking in his direction, then he saw her coming toward him. He froze and tried to think of what he should say about why he was here.
"Can I help you?", the woman said. She was easily his mother's age.
"I was... ummm." Completely self-conscious he could not concentrate on what to say. "I was ummm looking for a..." He wanted to say "Thank Goodness It Fits" but could not remember the phrase.
"Yes, looking for a bra? You want a bra? A particular kind of bra?"
"No. Yes. Not exactly. My mom I mean my sister needs to get a Goodness Fit bra." Then he suddenly remembered, "I mean a 'Thank goodness It Fits' bra. But if you don't have them. It's OK. It really doesn't matter."
The woman repeated "'Thank Goodness It Fits?' Is that Playtex?"
"Ah, yeah, I think so."
"I'm not so sure we have them."
The saleswoman started going through the racks like Lorin had been doing.
"I don't see them, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. Let me ask someone. This is not my usual department."
"No, really, it's OK," Lorin said, but the woman ignored him. She looked around the floor and to Lorin's chagrin he saw that the woman with whom he had discussed prom dresses was nearby.
"Miriam? Have you got a minute?"
"Sure, Rita," Miriam said and came over. Seeing Lorin she said, "hello again. I thought you had left."
"You know him?" the older woman said.
"I was just discussing prom dresses with him. He said he had to get somewhere."
"I forgot that I was also supposed to buy some bras for..." His words tailed off. He realized that it would sound ridiculous if he told her he wanted to get a bra for his sister, since he had already said he wanted to get a prom dress for his girl friend.
"He wants to buy a bra for his sister," Rita said.
Miriam made a wry face then said, "well bras are the kinds of things that really have to be tried on. Girls need to know they fit before they purchase them."
"She already has some bras," Lorin said. He was sweating profusely, "I mean I'm just supposed to get some more of what she already has. I guess they fit her." He imagined his sister wearing a bra. It was something he had never seen. He imagined that her bras fit her well.
"He said he's looking for Playtex 'Thank Goodness it Fits' bras. Did your sister tell you her size?"
"I think she said its 34A," Lorin said and then quietly added, "padded."
"Padded?" Miriam said to Lorin.
"I don't know, maybe, I guess so," Lorin said.
"Well, let's take a look. I think there was a recent sale of them. We might be a bit depleted until some more arrive." Miriam led them back to the Playtex section. Lorin saw that a woman was now looking through the bras near where they were headed. Accompanying her was a girl about Lorin's age and standing nearby was a man who looked to be the husband and father. He was carrying a shopping bag in each hand and looking in the general direction of his wife. He had on a knit shirt and Lorin saw that he had a muscular build. He and wife were probably in their late thirties. Rita and Miriam led Lorin to the bras almost directly in front of the family and Lorin wished that he could get away. Miriam said, "I think they should be on this rack. We might have only a couple of the "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras left."
"Thank Goodness It Fits?" the woman standing nearby said after overhearing Miriam. Addressing her daughter she said, "Cindy, that's what you wanted didn't you?"
"Yes, mom," Cindy said. She was tall and thin with long straight blond hair and seemed to be shy.
"They should be here. Let's see" and Miriam stooped down in front of a rack and reached toward the back of the lower part. She said, "there they are, behind the secrets bras. Just a few left. She took out two white padded bras. She checked the size of the first one and said, 34B, and handed it to Lorin. Then she checked the second one and said, "34B." What size do you say you wanted?"
Lorin held the bra with trembling hands. Everyone was looking at him including the man. Lorin looked down at the bra. It looked immense to him. The cups were well formed, large and filled with padding.
"34A. She said 34A," he said. He wanted desperately to run, run as far away as he could as fast as he could. He glanced up at the man and saw his eyes drilling into him. It was just so obvious that Lorin wanted the bra for himself.
"Can I see that," the woman said indicating the bra Lorin was holding and Lorin gladly handed it to her. "This is what you wanted? With all this padding?"
"I don't know mom. Rachel and Tammy bought "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras and they were telling me how comfortable and pretty they are."
Cindy took the bra from her mom and looked at it. "I think it's sort of nice mom."
"It's going to make you enormous. You're barely a 34A anyway. This is too big."
"I think there are "Thank Goodness It Fits" bras without all that padding," Miriam said. "This boy was looking for a padded bra, but it also comes with light padding. I can look in a second." Turning to Lorin she said, "I'm sorry we don't have the padded Playtex bra in 34A today. Perhaps you would also be interested in the light padding styles."
Miriam bent down and started going through some of the bras. "We do have some with light padding. Let me see we have 34NA and 36NB and 36B. No 34A. I'm sorry."
"What is the NA mean?" the woman asked, "I've never heard of that."
Miriam took out the 34NA bra and stood up. "The NA means 'nearly an A.'"
"How cute, the woman gushed. She took the bra from Miriam's hand. "It's darling. Such little cups! What do you think Cindy?"
Cindy took the bra, "it's pretty mom."
"It's got just the right amount of padding. Just to give a little help without being overwhelming," Cindy's mom said.
"I've got several more of those," Miriam said. She fished out another 34NA bra in pink and said, "here's a pink one. It's so pretty. Perhaps this would be good for you?" and she handed it to Lorin.
Cindy said, "oh, mom, I like the pink one too!" She was looking at the bra in Lorin's hand.
Cindy's dad had moved a few steps back, but he could still see and hear what was transpiring. Lorin glanced back up at him and saw that he was looking at the pink bra he was holding. The husband's gaze finally left him and Lorin saw him looking out across the floor. He took a couple of steps further away and then looked back at Lorin.
"The young girls just love these bras," Rita said. "Being a NA is a lot more positive than being an AA. Nearly an A makes girls feel like they are basically an A." The women laughed. "I wish that they had had those when I was a girl."
"Can I try these on mom?" Cindy said.
The woman said to Miriam, "do you have another 34NA in pink?"
"No, that's the only one," she said indicating the bra in Lorin's hand.
Cindy said to Lorin, "do you want that bra?"
Lorin shook his head.
"Can I have it?"
"Oh, sure," Lorin said and handed it to her.
"You know that 'Thank Goodness It Fits' bras come in lots more styles," Miriam said "We don't even carry them all here."
"You don't say," Cindy's mom said and then she, Rita and Miriam entered into a conversation about buying bras for young girls. Lorin initially was listening then lost track of it when Cindy said to him, "Golly, the boys in my class are always teasing the girls about their bras."
Lorin blushed some more, as if that was even possible, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "Some guys are dumb," he said.
"You're the first boy I've met who wants a bra. All the girls do. It's like what we talk about all the time. I didn't know boys want them too."
"I'm helping out my sister."
"Why doesn't she get her own bras?"
Lorin wanted to say she was sick or something, but only said, "it's complicated."
Cindy smiled slightly as if she knew the real truth. "I think it's kind of nice you are willing to buy your sister some bras. The guys I know at school would die before they ever did anything girlish." There was a sweetness about Cindy that Lorin found himself liking very much. She did not appear to be judgmental, like he could easily imagine a lot of the girls in his class would be if they found him trying to buy a bra. "What school do you go to?" Cindy asked him.
Lorin was pretty sure he had never seen her before and he said, "Van Wyck."
"Oh, I go to Bryant." Van Wyck and Bryant were the two junior high schools in the town. Van Wyck on the north side and Bryant on the south side.
At that moment Rita said to Cindy, "Would you like this one?"
"Cindy," her mother said, "pay attention. Would you like this bra?" The bra Rita was holding was beige and of a different style than the white and pink ones she was now holding."
"Sure mom. I could try it on."
"Good. We better get busy. You're dad is being a great sport so far, but he's liable to lose his patience any minute now." To Rita she said, "no matter how many times you tell them, men do not understand that you can't rush buying a bra. It's got to look and feel right."
"Ain't that the truth," Rita said.
"Let's try these on," Cindy's mom said and to her husband she said, "we're going to try these on." He nodded his head and pointed to his watch in a joking away.
Turning back to Lorin, Rita said, "so we can't interest you in any of these bras?"
"Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's supposed to be a 34A. And it's supposed to be padded."
"I'm sorry we don't have your padded 34A Playtex bra, but I'm sure we have some pretty padded Bali bras in that size" Rita said, "come look at these, Bali makes a very nice bra."
Miriam interrupted, "Rita, I've got to get back," and to Lorin she said, "remember what I said before, those pretty dresses are going to go quickly!"
"I will ma'am, thank you," Lorin said and to Rita he said, "No. It's OK. My sister said she wanted just the Playtex 34A. I guess I better go now..."
"A new shipment should arrive any day. We can call you when they arrive. How's that?" Rita said.
"Oh, OK," Lorin said. "Great."
"Tell me your number."
Lorin hesitated trying to think of a phony number. His mind drew a blank and he started reciting his real home phone number figuring he would change a number, but when he got to the end he realized he had said it correctly.
"OK, and what's your name?"
"Penny," he said.
"Penny?" Rita said.
"No, I mean that's my sister. I'm Lorin."
"OK, Lorin we'll let you know when the new bras arrive."
"Thanks," Lorin said and walked away. He went past Cindy's dad making sure to keep his face averted, and continued walking casually toward the escalator. He went down the escalator to the second floor and took a moment to collect himself. He felt emotionally drained and guilty. He was sure that Cindy's dad knew exactly what he was up to. He looked at his watch. It was just noontime. He would get a slice of pizza and then start walking to Penny's house. If he walked slowly enough he'd get there just at one. He headed toward the down escalator, but before he took two steps he heard his name being called. "Lorin? What are you doing here?" It was his mother's voice. He turned around and saw her and his sister approaching him.
"Hi," he said. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. What if he had been carrying a shopping bag with bras in it? His mother would have surely wanted to know what was in it. This whole plan of his had been incredibly dumb. "I was just looking at the western shirts," Lorin said.
"I didn't know you liked them," his mom said.
"I guess I don't but I just wanted to look in case I did."
"Are you all ready for your date?" his mom asked.
Lorin could see his sister smirking a bit. "It's not exactly a date," Lorin said.
"Well it is sort of," his mom said and then let it go. "Well, we've got to be moving. I thought I'd get your sister some new bras and panties."
"Mom!" his sister said.
"Yes, well, good luck and just remember to have fun."
"Thanks, mom, bye," Lorin said. He went down the escalator and outside. Holy cow, he though to himself. Just a minute difference in timing and his mom and sister would have seen him in the bra department. Either he was very, very lucky or very, very stupid or both. He got some pizza and a Coke and ate it quickly. Then he headed toward Penny's house. On the way he reviewed his morning's experience. The reality of buying bras was a lot different from his fantasy about buying them. He had a lot less courage when it came right down to it than he thought he would have. He wondered if he would actually be able to buy girls clothes at all. He remembered the pretty dress and he felt a dull ache of desire for it. To wear that dress at the cotillion would make him the happiest person in the world. He could easily imagine ten girls falling in love with it the same way he had. If Jensen's were to sell out of it, it would be gone forever from his grasp. He was going to have to figure out his dress size and he was going to have to come back, maybe after school one day and buy it and pray to God he could accomplish all that. And if he did get the dress, then there was still the major headache of finding the bras he wanted. The pink bra he had been holding was exactly the one he wanted. It was a 34NA. The same bra size as Cindy. It was so obvious to everyone that he wanted a padded bra for himself. Like the sales lady said, girls need to try on their bras. His story about his sister was so lame. And the look of that man! Lorin would do anything to not have to experience that again. On the other hand, Cindy had been so nice. He wondered if Penny would have been as nice as her. If he ever got a date with Cindy, her dad would really freak out, that was for sure.
End Part I
To Be Continued...
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 2
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 2
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved. |
Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 4
As Lorin walked slowly toward Penny's house he decided he would have to get the dress on Monday. That was the first day he could possibly sneak away to Jensen's. Between now and then he would figure out what dress size he wore. Then Monday after school he would run to the store, buy the dress and take it home and hide it in his room before the rest of his family got home. All this would be done mechanically. He would not think, and not hesitate. It was that or his desire for the dress would just gnaw at him until he probably went crazy. Buying bras would take second place, and he would only do that after he had some time to come up with a new plan for buying them.
When he arrived at Penny's house he was ten minutes early. He debated whether or not he should wait before knocking on the door so as not to appear to be uncool. If the truth be told he was terribly nervous. Penny was so pretty and he so admired everything she did: how she moved and talked, how she made her hair and the clothes she wore, that it was kind of like being in the presence of royalty. He was used to seeing her at school, but now it would be so very different. He wished he could tell her how much he wanted to be like her. It really was that. It was envy pure and simple. If he could just be Penny it would solve all his problems. When he got to Camp Shoni he would model himself after her. That would be the closest to her he could be, since miracles certainly never happened.
He glanced at his watch again. It was 12:53. Still too early. The front door suddenly opened and Penny's mom came out holding a dish of cat food. She saw Lorin and said, "What are you doing standing over there?"
"I'm here to see Penny."
"I know, Lorin. Come on in. I'll call for her."
Lorin reluctantly walked up the front path and entered the house.
"Penny!" Her mother called upstairs.
There was no answer.
"She's upstairs in her room, at the top of the stairs to the right." Her mother looked like an older version of Penny. The same pretty smile and long hair. "She's probably on the phone. It's a wonder it doesn't become part of her head."
Lorin could not think of what to say. "Penny!" her mom shouted, "Lorin is here!"
"What?" Penny shouted.
"You better just go up," Penny's mom said to Lorin. Then she shouted a little louder than before, "It's Lorin!!"
Penny appeared at the top of the stairs. "Hi. I'm finishing up my hair. Come on up." She turned and went back to her room.
Lorin gingerly climbed the stairs and went down the hallway a few steps to the right to an open doorway that was clearly Penny's room. She was in a bathroom that was through a doorway at the far side of the bedroom.
"Hi Penny," he said.
"Hi. It'll be a couple of minutes. Just have a seat and get comfortable."
"Thanks," he said. He looked around. The room was not exactly neat. Her clothes, mainly some pairs of jeans and a few tee shirts were scattered on the bed, floor and on a desk chair. There was a poster on the wall of Vin Diesel. She had a large dresser. The only place to sit was on a corner of the bed near the dresser and he sat down.
"Janice will be a little late," Penny called out.
"No problem," Lorin said. He wished he could think of something to say. He racked his brain for a topic and could not come up with anything.
He heard the water running and then noticed that the second drawer of the dresser was ajar and in it there was clearly what looked to be a number of bras in a pile that had been carelessly arranged, though next to it was a neater stack of folded bras. On the other side of the drawer were a couple of piles of panties. He couldn't believe how many bras and panties Penny owned.
"Why don't you put on a CD?" Penny called out. "I'll be another few minutes. I've been putting some highlights in my hair."
"What CD?" Lorin asked.
"Take any one you like."
Blake walked over to the CD player that was on the floor next to her desk. There was a large CD holder. He glanced through the titles and picked out an album by the "Who".
"How about the Who?" he asked.
"Who?" she said.
"Who!" Lorin said.
"Who?" she said again.
"Who, who, who!" Lorin said.
"What, are you an owl?" Penny said.
Lorin collapsed with laughter. "It's the group, the Who!"
"Oh, sure, I love them," she said.
Lorin put the CD in the player and turned on the music. He sat down again where he had been and again looked at the bras. He edged a little closer and then closer still and then stuck his face just above the open drawer and looked more carefully all the time trying to keep one eye focused toward the bathroom. One of the bras might have been the one he saw her wearing. The mixed up pile looked so disordered he couldn't imagine that Penny even knew what bras were in it. He tried counting how many there were. It was hard to figure, but he thought there might be at least eight. They were all white except for one blue bra. Some were kind of lacy and others were not. He backed away and stood outside the bathroom listening. He still heard the water running. What would happen if he took one he wondered? He could just put it in his pocket. She would never know. It would be more than a bra. It would be Penny's bra and he would cherish it and love it even. It would link them in some crazy way. And it also would help solve his problem of getting bras for camp.
"I just have to dry my hair," Penny called out and then she shut the door to the bathroom.
"OK," Lorin said. He went to the hallway and looked up and down it. No one was there. He went back to the dresser and reached in to the very bottom of the disorganized pile of bras and pulled out one of them. The bra was a bit worn and faded, and had a thin margin of scalloped lace across the tops of the bra cups. With pounding heart he balled the bra up and stuffed it into his pocket, and then got up and walked away from the dresser. He placed his hand in the pocket to make sure the bra was well within it and could not be seen. He would have to remember to not pull it out accidentally the rest of the day. It was soft to the touch and he fondled it lightly, savoring its range of textures.
It would be so nice to wear Penny's bra. It would make him feel like her girl friend. How pleasant it would be if he could visit Penny as her girl friend and not a boy that found dating so uncomfortable. He wondered if girls ever borrowed each other's bras? Maybe he would find out at Camp Shoni that it was the norm. When he was finally alone that evening he would take out Penny's bra and put it on and he would think about Penny and himself as if they were girl friends.
He heard Penny make a sound in the bathroom and he felt a sudden pang of regret. Maybe Penny would end up missing the bra, wondering where it had gone. He hoped that it was one that she never wore anymore so there would be no harm done. In that case, his theft would be no more wrong that stealing from a trashcan.
His hand once again inched along the outline of the bra. He would have to try it on as soon as he got home. Maybe he should also take a panty. He walked back near the drawer and glanced at the panties lying in the open drawer. There were so many of them. Suddenly Penny came out of the bathroom and he looked away from the drawer not before he was certain Penny had seen where he had been looking. She looked radiant and she smiled at him as she walked around to the dresser and shut the open lingerie drawer. She had done up her blonde hair with some reddish highlights and he thought she looked unbelievably sophisticated.
"Sit down," she said, "sorry for the mess." Penny gathered up her jeans one by one and folded them neatly.
"It's no problem," Lorin said awkwardly. God, he thought to himself, when will I ever think of something intelligent to say. This was far and away the closest and most intimate encounter he had ever had with a girl. Seeing Penny up close, being part of her daily life in her room, it was totally out of context. "You have a great collection of CD's," Lorin said. "It seems pretty eclectic to me. I mean that's great. To like all sorts of music is great."
"What do you listen to?" Penny asked.
"I like..." Lorin hesitated trying to think of someone cool whom he knew about. Aware of Penny waiting for his answer, he froze up and his mind went blank. The fact was he liked a lot of different kinds of music. Finally he said, "Aerosmith. Yeah I like Aerosmith." The word had just popped into his head. Just recently his mom and dad had bought an Aerosmith CD and he had listened to it with them thinking it was pretty good.
"I like them too," she said, "at least as far as they're an old band. What are your favorite songs?"
"I like, um, 'Girls of Summer' and also 'Dude (Looks Like a Lady).'" In fact, while his mom, dad and he had been listening to the CD, Lorin had looked over the album cover and these song titles had jumped out at him. It made him wonder if there was something psychic going on there.
Penny did not respond. Lorin was aghast at his inability to think of anything else to say. What could he talk about? Their classes together, people at school? What would he do if she didn't find anything he said interesting? Penny and he looked at each other in silence and then to Lorin's relief, Janice came into the room.
"Hi Lorin," Janice said laughing slightly.
"Hi Janice," Lorin said.
Turning to Penny Janice exclaimed, "I love your hair," and within an instant she and Penny were talking together about her highlights and how she put them in and a hundred other things about hair that Lorin hadn't a clue about. But it was all very important stuff for him to know about. He listened intently and tried to memorize as much as he could. While listening, he realized that it was really his boy self Lorin who had the problem talking. If he could just imagine himself to be Lauren, then he would surely have many things to say. What kind of girl would he be this summer if he had nothing to say to the other girls? It was just girls being girls and he was certainly going to have to master that kind of conversation if he was to fit in and not arouse suspicion.
He felt energized and concentrated hard on Penny and Janice's conversation and decided he would become part of it. Janice was saying, "Lydia said she's going to get a perm tomorrow at Tangles."
"Where's Tangles?" Lorin said.
Janice looked at him surprised, "you know it's out on Bentley Boulevard."
"Is it a nice place?"
"I haven't been there. Have you?" Janice said asking Penny.
"Just once. The stylist was kind of overbearing. I couldn't deal with it."
"Where do you go?" Lorin asked.
"Usually my mom drives over to the Fairfield mall. She knows the owner there like for 50 years."
"I go to a barber," Lorin said and then added hastily, "but I would like to go to a salon where I could get my hair styled."
"You have very nice hair," Penny said. "You keep it long."
"I don't know why I do," Lorin said, "but I guess I like it like that."
"You should put highlights in it," Janice said.
"You think so?" Lorin said with great interest.
"Sure," Janice said, "you see how pretty it made Penny."
Penny laughed and Lorin did not know if Janice was implying that he would be pretty too.
"I think Penny is pretty even without the highlights," Lorin said.
Penny and Janice laughed. "You shouldn't take her seriously," Penny said. "Janice is always teasing everybody."
Changing the subject Janice said, "did you hear that Raymond's brother Dave broke his leg yesterday?"
"For real? You're not teasing!" Penny said.
"You mean Raymond in our math class?" Lorin said.
"Yeah," Janice said looking up at Lorin.
"What happened?" Lorin said.
"Raymond took out Sarah last night. He's like so after her. Anyway Sarah told me this morning that Raymond said that the guys were playing hardball at the diamond and Dave is like showing off or something and he slides into home plate, but he caught his cleat on something and Raymond says it was terrible."
"How awful," Lorin said, "did he go to the hospital?"
"Yeah, Petey's dad was coming to get him and he took Dave to the hospital."
"Wow. Did you ever break a bone?" Lorin said to Penny.
"No, what about you?"
"No, but my sister did."
"Do you ever play ball with the guys?" Penny asked Lorin.
"Oh, no, I guess not," Lorin said. Penny looked surprised. Alarmed, Lorin went on, "I prefer other things. I like crafts and I play the flute a little."
"That's what girls like," Janice said.
Lorin blushed, "a lot of boys like those things."
"And some girls really like to play baseball. I really do," Penny said.
"I do like to swim," Lorin said but it was too late. He was on the other side of a divide from Penny. How could she like a boy who was less athletic than she was? And besides, he had her bra in his pocket and if he was honest with himself he would admit that he was very excited by the knowledge that he'd get to try it on later in the day.
"Yeah, Janice and I are both on our neighborhood pool swim team in the summer. Are you on a swim team?"
"No. I just swim at camp. There's a nice lake there. They have a mile swim every summer. I almost made it all the way last summer. I hope I'll make it this summer."
"Penny set the pool record for longest swim," Janice said, "it was 500 laps which is about 2 miles."
"Cool," Lorin said trying to sound upbeat. If Penny were going to Camp Shoni she would definitely be a wolf, that was clear. And he was even more of a bunny than he thought.
It was hard to figure out how the "date" was going. Lorin dutifully tagged along with Penny and Janice on the trek to the lake park. There they met up with a few other kids, some guys and girls that Penny seemed to know pretty well. She introduced Lorin to them and while no one was impolite to him, neither did they take great interest in him. Considering how boring these kids turned out to be, it was more than a little disconcerting to Lorin that Penny seemed to like spending the afternoon hanging out with them. Lorin could think of a dozen things he would have loved to do with Penny but there was no opportunity to suggest them. If he ever got the chance to go out with her again he would try and insist that they go skating or to a movie or do something more fun than idly hanging out.
A large part of the conversation seemed to be about a party that had happened the week before where they had been able to get some beer. Lorin could not figure out if Penny had been there or not though she acted like she knew a lot about it. As the afternoon wore on, it reached a point where everyone was sitting on a fence in silence. The conversation had dwindled to the point that they weren't even talking about who could they get to buy beer for them. To Lorin's great relief Penny jumped down from the fence and said she had to go. For a second he wondered what he should do, but she looked at him as if to say he should come along and Lorin jumped down off the fence and joined her.
"See you later," Janice said without budging. Lorin smiled knowing that finally he would be alone with Penny.
As they walked toward Penny's house Lorin wondered if he should try and hold her hand, but then decided he had better not do that. Penny had not given any indication that she was so inclined. He thought of saying that he liked her friends, but it was too much of a lie. He thought they were utterly boring. He wanted to ask her what she saw in them, but figured she'd get insulted if he did. He looked at Penny and she looked back at him and smiled. She was very pretty, that was for sure.
At her house he said good-bye and leaned forward a bit as if to kiss her but he did not sense any movement on her part and so he backed off. She said she had had a good time and they ought to do it again some time. On his way home he tried to figure out what he was feeling. Both elated and depressed and ultimately exhausted. Maybe he should have been bolder. Had she given him any signals or not? It was very confusing. Halfway home he put his hand in his pocket and felt the bra. He had forgotten about it and now he felt a sudden lightening bolt of joy well up inside himself. He finally had a bra he could call his own. Yes, it was stolen and he felt bad about that, but it was Penny's bra so in a sense he had some right to it: because when he put it on, it would allow him to be closer to her. And he would wish only nice things for her, that was for sure.
When he got home he was alone. He went up to his room and into the bathroom and took out the bra so he could finally get a good look at it. Penny must have worn it many times. The lettering on the label was entirely washed away and he could not find out what size it was or what brand. He took off his tee shirt and put it down on the toilet tank lid. He held up the bra with one hand and arranged it so the outside faced away from himself. Reaching behind his back with his left hand he grabbed the other end of the bra and brought his two hands together in front so the bra was wrapped around his waist. He fastened the single clip at the largest opening and swiveled the bra cups around so they were in front. It was something he had thought about many times and he was pleased with himself that it had worked so perfectly. He pulled up the bra, put his arms through the shoulder straps and adjusted it slightly while looking in the mirror.
It fit pretty snug but it was not terribly uncomfortable. It was nice that Penny and he could wear the same bra. The bra cups were not very big but they still looked noticeably flat across his chest. What a pity that he did not have breasts developing on him like Penny and the other girls. There was something terribly unfair about that. He would have to get some sort of falsies to put in the bra cup. If he was to have some padded bras, then he certainly could not have his profile change from day to day.
He probably should have taken a pair of Penny's panties also. It would have balanced things. Wearing both her bra and panties would sort of been complete in some way. He fantasized going to school with her panties and bra underneath his clothes and sitting behind her in English class. It would almost be as if he were Penny. But then he'd want to wear her skirt and blouse and shoes and everything. It never ended.
The house was still silent. He put his shirt on over the bra and quietly went down the hall to his sister's room. In the past he had done some furtive investigation of her clothes but had never touched anything since she arranged everything very neatly and he was afraid of getting caught. Contrary to all stereotypes of teenagers, his sister seemed to put her panties and bras in her drawer with engineering precision. The most courage he had ever had had been to slide open her drawer and try and find out what size bra she wore by reading the labels that happened to be visible. He had learned this way that she was a 36C in size.
Her door was ajar and he pushed it open and went in. At the slightest noise downstairs he would have to run back to his room. Well, it was really not that dangerous. He often went into her room looking for a book to read or a pencil or something. He walked over to her dresser. As usual all the drawers were shut tight. He was about to pull open the lingerie drawer, when he noticed that there was some clothes in her waste paper basket that was next to the dresser. He stooped down to get a closer look and realized that there were panties that had been placed in it. It made sense since she had known that she was going to get some new underwear so she had thrown out some old ones.
The top panty was white and kind of plain and well worn. He lifted it up and underneath was a blue panty with some lace around the band and below that another white panty. There was even a fourth one below that. It was white and more substantial than the others. The fabric was shiny and thicker. He pulled it out and held it up to look at. It was a panty girdle. There was a lace panel in the front shaped sort of like a medallion that fit over the stomach. This panty had not been visible at all from the top. If he took it, his sister would surely not notice. Though it was possible she could change her mind and decide she wanted it. It would be a gamble if he were to take it. It wasn't really that worn at all. It almost seemed relatively new.
He went back to his room and into his bathroom, took off his pants and put on the panty girdle. It slid up easily enough to his buttocks, but took a bit of a yank to get it up and over them. The material was stretchy and once he had it on he knew immediately that it was probably a very good fit. Snug but not uncomfortably so. What good fortune he had had. In one day, he had gone to having his own panties and bra. He looked at himself in the mirror and decided he looked pretty much like any girl he had seen. The only problem was his hairstyle, which he would have to do something about.
He thought about the three remaining panties. It was way too risky to take them. But he would have an opportunity to get them once her trash can was emptied the night before Wednesday's trash pick up. It was a job he sometimes had. Only this time he would have to make sure he got it. After thinking about it for a minute he decided that it was too risky to pilfer the panty girdle. If for some reason his sister changed her mind he would be a prime suspect for having taken it. The best strategy was to put it back where he had found it, and then attempt to get it the same time as the other panties. He took off the panty girdle and ran back to his sister's room and put it back in the trashcan and then ran back to his own room and closed the door.
He took off his bra, got dressed again and thought about where he should hide the bra. It had to be a perfect spot that would never get discovered, and large enough to hold all the stuff he was going to have to get. He looked around his room: at the dresser, the closet, under his bed. His mom had too many reasons to look in each of these places.
He went into his bathroom and looked around. His mom kept cleaning supplies that she used under the sink so that was no good. He noticed that there was a metal plate held by four screws on the back left wall of the bathroom. He had never opened it before. Curious, he got a screwdriver and undid the screws.
When the plate fell away he saw that it was an access panel for the shower/bath tub in the hall bathroom that was on the other side of the wall. He got a flashlight and looked in. It was a bit cramped at the opening but there was some significant space inside on the side of the tub. Absolutely perfect! No one would ever have any reason to go in there. He fetched a plastic bag, put Penny's bra in it and put it in the space and then put the cover back on. So cool, he thought to himself. This is going to be too easy!
Lorin jumped onto his bed and got out his diary and opened it up. He wrote:
|
Lorin drew a heart and some lips as if he had kissed the page. He shut the diary and put it away. He thought about at least trying on the other of his sister's panties but it was too risky. Someone could return at any time now. He would just have to be patient until Tuesday night when he would volunteer to collect the garbage.
When his parents came home they were anxious to hear about how his date went, and he gave them a fairly truthful account. Penny had been friendly enough and he thought she might want to see him again, but it wasn't exactly too thrilling to spend the afternoon doing basically nothing. His Dad especially seemed pleased by the report and Lorin felt sure that both his mom and dad would more than likely not raise the subject again any time in the near future.
While lying in bed before falling asleep Lorin thought over the events of the day. He would have to think more about how he could get the rest of the bras he needed, that was for sure. He'd have to go somewhere else than Jensen's. He felt that he had made some progress in learning how to talk like a girl, but he would definitely have to get more knowledgeable about a bunch of things before he'd be able to just go on and on like he was a real girl. He'd have to think more about what girls want to say about boys and about their girl friends and about shopping for clothes and make up. All kind of things.
Lorin carried all his money with him when he went to school on Monday. The grand sum of $192.37. Penny smiled at him in school but she did not mention the date and he didn't either. He was so preoccupied with buying his dress that it took precedence over any future plans he might have with Penny. During the day he glanced at the wall clock a hundred times waiting for it to reach 3PM so he could run to the store. He felt that each passing minute gave someone else an opportunity to buy the dress he coveted. It was bad enough that he had had to endure the entire day Sunday but he had somehow gotten through it.
A big help had been a fun trip he had taken on the Internet looking for websites that gave information on dress sizing. He had found a chart of "Misses Sizes" that seemed appropriate to himself. According to this, girls with a small bust (32-34), a cup size of A-B, a waist 23 - 25 and hips 34 - 36 wore dress size 6 - 8. Since his bra size was 34NA or he could pretend it was 34A, then he might need a size 6 or 8 dress. He went and got the tape measure again and checked his waist and hips. His waist was about 27 and his hips were 33. Clearly, girls had thinner waists than boys and wider hips, but he figured that he would be able to at least squeeze into the size 8 dress, so that was what he would buy. In his daydreams, while waiting for the final bell he wondered just how popular would the size 8 dress be. He hoped that it was not a common size.
When the dismissal bell rang Lorin set out for downtown as nonchalantly as he could pretend. He had already told Kenny that he wouldn't be walking with him due to an "errand" his mom had sent him on. Another small lie. Since he had no idea how big the dress would be after it was wrapped up to take home, he took the precaution of putting all his books in his locker so that his back pack was virtually empty. His plan was that he'd buy the dress after telling Miriam that his girl friend had come by on Sunday to try it on along with some others.
After discussing it with him, she had said OK to that dress and she wanted him to pick it up for her. It was not the best story, and he thought that Miriam might have her suspicions, but what else could he do? He would not return home without his dress.
When he got near the store he scouted around looking to see if there was anyone he knew. His mom and dad would both be at work many miles from downtown and it was not lunch time so there was no possible reason he could think of why he would run into them. His sister was no doubt at her cheerleading practice at the high school so he wouldn't have to worry about her either. The coast seemed to be clear and he entered the store and went right to the escalator. No time for thinking or anything else. He would charge ahead.
When he got off the escalator at the third floor his heart was pounding. He looked around for Miriam and did not see her. He walked in a straight line toward the dresses and he saw the same mannequin as on Saturday wearing the same dress. My goodness he thought to himself it's even more beautiful than he had remembered. He trembled with desire to own such a precious thing. When he looked at the rack of dresses he realized immediately that it was much sparser than it had been on Saturday. In fact, there seemed to be just about 4 or 5 dresses left.
A terrible knot formed in his stomach. There was a woman not too far away looking at dresses but no sales person. Feeling hot in his face, he walked up to one of the dresses and searched for the tag indicating its size. The delicate fabric was soft and filmy and precious. The price tag had a bunch of numbers on it and he finally figured out that it said that the dress was a size 12. Way too big for him! It even looked too big. He then saw that there was a tag sewn into an inside seam and there was a large 12 written on that.
The next dress over was a 14 and the one after that was a 4. Panicking, he wished with all his might that the last one was an 8 but it turned out to be a 4 also. A feeling of despair came over him. He looked over at the other dresses. None of them were as nice and perfect as his own Cinderella dress with gathered skirts and shirred bodice. He did not know what to do. Could it be there were more in a back room somewhere? But why would there be? It made no sense that they hadn't put them out.
"Can I help you?"
He turned around and saw that a young saleswoman had come up to him. She was wearing a badge that had no name written in it.
"Yeah, um, I guess I was wondering if you had this dress in an 8?" His voice was quavering and kind of falsetto. He cleared his throat. "My mom sent me to get it for my sister. She tried it on yesterday."
"Oh, you don't have any idea how busy we were yesterday. This is such a pretty dress. So many girls were trying to get a jump on their prom dress. Have you checked these, none of them are 8's? That is the most popular size. Your sister should have put a reserve on it!"
"You don't have any in the back?"
"No, I'm afraid that for prom dresses we just get a few each year and put them out."
Lorin felt his eyes filling up with tears. The woman noticed it and Lorin fought them back as hard as he could.
"I really wish I could help you. Is it so terribly important? Your sister can't choose a different dress?"
Quietly, Lorin said, "yeah, I guess so. But she had her heart set on this one." A single tear came out of his right eye and he sniffled his nose. The thought of his loss was too much. If he didn't walk away quickly he was going to cry. The woman was clearly puzzled by his pent up emotion.
She stared at him and as long as she did Lorin could not turn away from her gaze. "What's the matter?" the woman asked gently. Lorin began to cry.
"Why are you crying?" she said.
This made him cry even more. He fought to gain control of himself and finally he did. The woman who had been shopping nearby looked over in surprise. I'm sorry," Lorin said, I guess I'm to blame for my sister not getting it yesterday. It's a long story. Anyway, I'm sorry."
He began walking away and the woman said, "Wait, did you look at the dress on the Mannequin?"
Lorin stopped and turned around facing the mannequin. He shook his head.
"Sometimes they put a middle size on the mannequin because the mannequin is a middle size!" Beth said. "Take a look."
Lorin walked up to the mannequin. Even though there were no features to the face he still felt like he was approaching a real girl and he felt the same way he did when he was close to Penny. The mannequin was standing on a small pedestal and when Lorin stood in front of it he was looking up at the head and he became aware of how powerfully feminine the dress was. It seemed to envelope him in its softness and flowing design. He noticed just how prominent the breast of the mannequin was and he felt some envy. He stood on his toes and reached around to the back collar and looked in to see the size. He was stunned. There in front of him was a perfect number "8" clear as day on the tag. "It's an eight!" he said way too loudly. "It's an eight! Can I buy it? Can I buy a dress on the mannequin?"
He looked at the saleswoman. "I don't think I've ever seen even a girl act so excited about a prom dress," the woman said, "but, sure you can buy it. We just have to take it off the mannequin." She unzipped a back zipper on the dress and very gently lifted it up and off. "Let's go to the counter and we'll ring it up for you. How will you be paying?"
"I have enough money with me," Lorin said.
"You mean cash?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess."
The woman stared at Lorin a full minute thinking. Then she said, "I don't suppose it's any of my business, but I just want to say to you, be careful. Do you understand?"
Lorin looked at her fearfully. "You mean carrying so much money?"
"You know what I mean."
Yes he did know what she meant. She knew the dress was for him. He wanted to run away as fast as he could or vanish into the floor. But the dress was splayed over the counter and it was so beautiful and he could not imagine leaving it behind. He was so in love with the dress he would find some way later to think about what the saleswoman had said and maybe then he would try to be a better person.
Once again he felt tears forming behind his eyes. He must be a terrible person at heart for all that he was doing.
"I don't mean for you to cry," the woman said as she now placed the dress in a plastic garment bag with the store's logo on it.
A few tears slid down Lorin's cheeks while he took out his wallet and put 109 dollars on the counter.
"There's $6.54 in tax also," the saleswoman said.
Lorin counted out some additional money and added it to the $109. The woman took the money and rang up the dress on the register and handed the receipt and some change to Lorin. Then she gave him the dress, which he slung over his arm.
"Remember what I said," she said.
Lorin tried to force a smile as he shook his head up and down in agreement.
Outside in the street Lorin collected himself. Luckily he could not see anyone he knew. He walked around to a side street, took off his backpack and proceeded to fold the dress up so that it would fit inside. He had to break some holes in the plastic to let out air, but he did end up getting the dress, a little bit more crudely than he had intended, to fit inside the backpack. He zipped it up and proceeded to walk home thinking to himself that he was either the luckiest boy in the world, or perhaps the stupidest.
Chapter 5
Lorin breathed a sigh of relief when he got home: the house was empty. There would be about a half hour until his mom came home. Just enough time to try the dress on. He hurriedly ran to his room, took off his clothes scattering them on the floor and ran into his bathroom taking the dress with him. He was desperate to try it on not only to make sure it fit but because he wanted to find out what it felt like to be pretty. No, even more than that, he wanted to feel feminine. He wanted to feel what the girls in the cotillion picture must have been feeling. There was a girl inside him who wanted to be fulfilled and this was going to be her first moment of life.
He opened the plastic garment bag and gently took out the dress. It was an astonishingly beautiful object. The silky fabric glided over his hand and arm and Lorin sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and hugged the dress against his naked skin and against his cheek.
In the light of the bathroom the lacy pink swirls stood out as they danced around within the ivory fabric. He examined each of the skirt layers and counted three altogether. He laid the dress over a towel rack and in a sudden inspiration ran to his sister's room and looked in her waste paper basket for the panties. They were still there, now underneath some paper. He fished out a white pair and ran back to his bathroom and put the panty on. He retrieved his bra from its hiding place and put that on.
He gazed at himself in the mirror and felt overcome with happiness to see his delicate body wearing the bra and panties. He imagined himself getting dressed for the cotillion. He was sure that the moment the other girls saw his dress they would oooh! and aaah! and excitedly exclaim how pretty it was. He would feel so proud and lucky that it was his dress to wear.
With a racing heart he held the dress up over his head and let it fall down over his shoulders until his head came through the opening. The dress had a sleeveless bodice with a back zipper and he found that he could just hold the zipper by bunching the dress up on his shoulders and in this way zip it up as he inched the dress down. When the zipper was fully zipped he let go of the gathered skirts and they fell down around him to just above his knees. He looked up in the large mirror over the sink and was stunned by the sight.
It was better than his wildest dreams! The dress looked like it had been made for him. He gazed in excitement at his shoulders and upper arms and how pretty and delicate they looked as an extension of the white bodice, and how prettily the material gathered around his bust and around his waist and the gently resting skirts that dangled to his knees. The dress was ideal for his slender physique. His eyes kept coming back to his thin arms as they framed the beautiful ivory fabric. He lowered his hands until they rested gently on the skirt. He took a few steps while he gazed at the image of a young girl in the mirror. He laughed with glee and he held the skirts up and twirled in a circle. He skipped out of the bathroom and then down the upstairs hall. He gazed down the stairway and impulsively ran down it and around the living room. He skipped, he pretended to pirouette and he sashayed as if he were a model in Paris and New York. He looked out the front window and saw his mother's car coming down the block toward the house.
"Oh shit," he yelled and ran back upstairs and into his bathroom. He raced to take off the dress without tearing a seam and then took off his bra and panty. He heard his mother entering the house. She called out to him as was her custom, "Lorin?"
"Hi mom," he yelled back. He could hear her ascending the stairs. He gathered up the dress, and hastily stuffed it into its plastic garment bag and put it in the hiding place.
"Hi honey. Good day at school?" she called from outside his room.
"Yes mom," he said, standing naked behind the bathroom door. He threw the bra and panty in the secret hole and put back the cover as quietly as he could. He glanced around for his clothes and then remembered they were in his bedroom. He opened the bathroom door and peeked his head out. He took a step toward his clothes lying on the floor and at the same time his mom opened the door.
Lorin shrieked and his mother backed out "I'm sorry Lorin. I had no idea!"
"I was changing my clothes!" Lorin said.
"I could see that! But why?"
"I spilled some milk on them."
"Put them in the hamper."
"I will mom." He heard her walking down the hall. She was gone. A close call. It had been a very close call. He realized that he had put his sister's panty in the hiding place with his own clothes. It left him vulnerable should his sister go looking for it in the trash. He was definitely going to have to control his impulses much more if he was to actually get to camp Shoni this summer. He put his clothes back on and lay down on his bed thinking about the dress. He ached to wear it again but just the thought that he had it so close to himself was good enough to assuage his longing. If he couldn't wear it now, at least he could write about it and he fetched his diary and wrote a long note to Barbie about how he had gotten a dress, as pretty as any that Barbie owned herself.
When he was done, he began thinking about all the other things he would have to get. Buying everything on the camp list was probably not possible. Besides the mental strain of having to face many sales ladies he did not have enough money to do it. He would have to brainstorm and figure out some cheaper ways to get clothes.
The first thing he would do would be to get the rest of his sister's panties and that was a good start. What else could he do? He remembered that there was a second hand clothing store in town, called "Second Time Around." It was off the beaten track in a private home on a side street. He had walked past it a few times and never gone in. There was also a place behind the fire station where clothing for the poor was collected. He had sometimes gone with his mom when she dropped off bags of clothing. It was usually deserted there and the clothes were just in a large bin. He could probably take a look after school one day and maybe he'd find something he could use. His most immediate concern was getting the remainder of his sister Stephanie's panties and he felt confidant that he'd be able to pull that off one way or another.
Getting the bras would be a big problem. The chance of finding them in the thrift shop or in the free box was negligible. What he could do, however, was take the bus to the Fairfield mall and look around there. It was so big and anonymous that he could get the bras with less potential for personalized attention than he got at Jensen's. That was it. He had a plan. Now all he had to do was get the opportunities to implement it.
The next night when dinner was over his mom asked, "who's turn is it to collect the trash?"
Lorin new it was Stephanie's turn so he said, "I think its mine." He saw Stephanie smile; she was never big on doing household chores and just like he figured she was happy not to correct his mistake.
"No, Lorin," his dad said. "I distinctly remember that you did the garbage last week."
"Dad," Stephanie said in a slight whine.
"I don't mind at all," Lorin said.
"It's not nice to deceive your brother," his dad said, "or to shirk responsibility."
"All right, all right, I'll do it," Stephanie said and got up from the table.
"Lorin, you have to stick up for yourself," his dad said.
"I truly don't mind doing the trash," Lorin said.
"Well that's the first time you ever mentioned that," his mother said.
Now that he knew for sure that Stephanie was emptying her own waste basket, he hoped that she wouldn't notice the missing panty. Fearfully, he crept upstairs to see if he could sense if Stephanie noticed anything unusual. She had gathered some of the upstairs garbage cans into the hallway and had gotten a large green plastic bag to dump their contents into. Just as he was passing her on the way to his room he saw the panties from her trash can go into the trash. Stephanie stopped what she was doing and reached in the bag and pulled out a panty. It was the almost new panty girdle and Stephanie looked at it as if she was having second thoughts about tossing it away. She looked up at Lorin and he hurried past her and into his room. In a minute he heard her resume her task, but almost as quickly she called out to him, "hey Lorin."
Lorin froze in fear. "What?" he called out.
"I need your trash bucket."
"OK," Lorin said with some relief.
He obliged her and waited while Stephanie emptied it. When she was done she headed downstairs with the large bag. As far as Lorin could tell she had not taken the panty girdle but he wasn't sure.
Lorin needed a plan B now that his sister's panties were mixed in with other trash in the green garbage bag sitting at the end of the driveway. Unless he snuck out of the house at night, the only thing he could do was to nab the panties in the morning after everyone else left and before he went to school. A big problem with this plan was that the garbage men usually came pretty early, in fact, just about the time he would be leaving for school. Since he was not crazy about sneaking outside in the dark in the middle of the night, he decided he'd hope for the best and attempt to snag the panties in the morning. If the attempt failed, at least he could console himself with the fact that he had managed to get one of the panties. On the other hand, the panties he had were not the prettiest. He particularly coveted the panty girdle and prayed that he'd get a chance to retrieve it in the morning. Lorin spent a restless night worrying about the trash.
In the morning he was happy to see that both his sister and father left promptly on schedule as they always did. All that was left was for his mom to leave. Lorin got himself ready to go to school and stood looking out the front window for any sign of the garbage truck. Luckily it was nowhere in sight. His mother seemed to be particularly slow to leave. Lorin paced back and forth. Finally at the same moment that he saw the garbage truck in the distance, his mother approached him on her way out of the house.
"My, you're early today," she said.
"Yeah, I guess I got up a little early. I was worrying about a test."
"You do have to learn to relax Lorin. You have been looking tense lately."
"I will mom."
"Bye honey. Remember to lock up."
His mother left the house, got in her car parked in front and drove off just as the garbage truck was backing up toward the house. Lorin ran out the door and reached the garbage bag just ahead of the garbage man. Lorin shouted, "I threw something in by accident. I need to get it."
"Can't wait," the garbage man said and he jumped back up onto the rear of the truck, and Lorin watched as the truck proceeded back up the road toward another house.
Lorin took the bag back inside the house and opened it up. As luck would have it, he found the panties in the bottom of the bag. He counted them quickly, two panties and the panty girdle. Thank goodness Stephanie had not taken it. The panties were partly covered with coffee grounds but the panty girdle seemed to be unscathed.
Lorin laughed to himself with the realization that he now had for himself a bag of garbage. He had to leave for school immediately or he would be late. He ran upstairs to his room, tucked the panties under the mattress, gathered up his book bag and the garbage bag and left the house. He would have to get rid of the garbage bag somewhere on the route to school.
As he walked along he felt self-conscious holding the large, heavy, green bag. It was tempting to put it along side someone else's garbage, but he was in full view of the houses and everywhere he looked he could see at least a couple of people. He walked along wondering what he should do when he met up with Kenny at their usual spot.
"What you got there Lorin," Kenny asked intrigued by the large sack.
"Garbage," Lorin said.
"What do you mean garbage?" Kenny said dumbfounded.
"You know, garbage, garbage. Look I'm an idiot. My parents told me to take out the trash and I screwed around and missed the garbage truck and they'll kill me if they see it there tonight. So I just grabbed it and I'll find a place to put it."
Kenny doubled over with laughter. "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard," he said with tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Help me find a place to put it."
"Just put it down anywhere. Right here at this house."
"You think so?" Lorin said, but just as they got to it a man appeared in front and Lorin held onto the bag.
"Put it right here," Kenny said at the next house. There was a single garbage can in front of it.
"I can't afford to get into trouble," Lorin said.
"What trouble?"
"If I get caught they could tell my parents."
Kenny said, "Lorin you are ridiculous. Give me the bag."
"What do you mean?" Lorin said.
"Just give it to me," Kenny said and Lorin handed him the bag.
At the first collection of trash they came across Kenny nonchalantly put the garbage bag down and told Lorin, "keep walking." Lorin obeyed though he looked around in all directions feeling terribly guilty. "Now was that difficult?" Kenny said. "Sometimes Lorin you act like a girl. You're so afraid."
Startled by the comment, Lorin's mind jumped into overdrive thinking about what Kenny had said. He must think like a girl. It was obvious to others. He felt a bubble of happiness rise through his heart.
"Kenny!" Lorin said, "I'll have to punch you."
"You punch like a girl, Lorin," Kenny said and ran ahead laughing.
Lorin ran after him and when he caught up with him," Kenny said, "you run like a girl."
Lorin thought of saying that that wasn't true but he didn't want it to not be true. Lorin tried to feebly punch Kenny as if he was a girl. "You punch like a girl," Kenny said and the two of them laughed at the joke, but Kenny had no way of knowing that it was no joke for Lorin.
When he got home from school that day Lorin quickly tried on the panties and then the panty girdle. The blue panties was of a satiny fabric with a sort of lacy panel in the front and lace around the leg holes. He was definitely going to wear that one a lot. He wished he could get more of them.
With just 60 dollars left to spend for clothes, a shopping trip to the mall was going to have to be the strategy of last resort. He would save his money for buying exactly the right sized "Thank Goodness it Fits" bras assuming he did not find them in the thrift store or in the free clothing box. He was anxious to begin his search for the rest of his clothes, but it was not until Thursday that a good opportunity presented itself for him to get down to the task at hand.
On that day Kenny had to stay late at school for band practice leaving Lorin free to do what he wanted after school. He made a beeline for the thrift store to get some idea of the possibilities. It would have been nice if it were just before Halloween so he could maybe pretend to anyone who was in the store that he was shopping for a costume. In any event, if he were lucky, he might be the only customer in which case he might actually have the courage to get whatever he wanted.
When he got to the store it turned out to be exactly as he imagined. In fact, it was even better. Sitting in the front at an ancient cash register was an elderly man, a very elderly man who was the only person there. He looked up at Lorin when he entered and Lorin said, nervously, that he had to look for some clothes for his sister who was in a wheel chair. The man either did not understand what Lorin was saying or else didn't care since he said nothing.
Lorin looked around to see what was there. The layout consisted of several rooms, each packed with clothing. In the entrance room near the old man was a few dusty racks on which were prepackaged men's underwear and socks. Behind them Lorin saw a rack holding bras but they were enormous and probably for large, older women. They were plain white and devoid of any sort of decoration. Glancing through them Lorin saw sizes 40D, 38EE and just one smaller bra a 34C. Clearly this was not a place to buy bras, unless there was some used ones somewhere else.
He walked into the next room. The floorboards squeaked as he walked and he felt oppressed by the silence when he stopped walking. There was a moldy smell to everything and Lorin could see why he was the only person there. It was a sad and depressing place. He looked around and saw that there were several racks stuffed with dresses. He had figured out from looking at various advertising inserts that came in the newspaper that girls often wore sun dresses in the warm weather and he figured he'd get one if he could find one that was pretty enough and also fit him. Many of the ones he had seen advertised had spaghetti straps and it was apparent to him that they could only be worn with a strapless bra. Some sun dresses had tank tops that one could easily wear a bra under and he figured that they would be best for him since he didn't want to get involved in buying a strapless bra, and particularly one that would hold up falsies.
The dress racks were organized by size, but Lorin discovered when he started going through them that practically every other dress was a different size. Probably the dresses hadn't been sorted in years. Lorin would have loved to do that job. Most of the dresses he looked at had ugly colors and weird styles. They were packed in so tight it was hard to even get a decent look at them. Near the end of the size 8 rack he came upon a pink sundress. It was perfect. It was of soft cotton with a straight skirt and a sort of stretchy top that he could definitely wear a bra under. There was a large appliqued rose on the front of the skirt. He was still the only customer in the shop and he held the dress up against himself. It looked like it would fit. He would have to buy it. A tag on it said $5 and Lorin was gleeful that it cost so little.
He put the dress down and continued his search. After a few minutes he had gone through the rack that was nominally for size 8 dresses and he had found no others that he liked. The other racks held dresses of different sizes, and it would take a lot of time to through them all. He'd have to come back another day. He took a peek in the next room and to his amazement saw an entire rack of white crinolines. He went through them quickly looking for ones that would be about the right length for his cotillion dress. His found one that would be perfect, if only it fit his waist. He looked back toward the entrance and listened. It was still quiet. The old man must still be sitting at the cash register.
Lorin ducked behind an alcove and quickly stepped into the crinoline and lifted it up over his pants to his waist. The crinoline had an elastic waist that was just a tad too loose. He took off the crinoline and while contemplating what he should do, noticed that inside the soft white nylon on one side of the waistband was a button that could be adjusted. He fiddled with it and ended up tightening the waist by two buttons and again put the crinoline on. It now definitely fit his waist. He took it off and searched for the price. A tag attached to the waistband said it was fifteen dollars. He would buy the sundress and crinoline and come back the next week and perhaps find some other things.
Before he went up to the front to pay Lorin took a quick look around the rest of the shop. A table with girl's shorts on it was the only other section he saw that might be useful to him. No bathing suits, no slips or other lingerie. If he was lucky he'd find a few more nice things here next week. He went up to the counter and put the dress and crinoline on it in front of the old man. The man cleared his throat and fumbled around looking for the tag on the sundress. He had a terrible palsy and the tag shook when he finally found it. "Five Dollars," he said. Then he took what seemed like an eternity to get a paper bag in which he put the sundress. He then started the same procedure for the crinoline. "Fifteen dollars," the man said. "That'll be twenty."
Lorin took a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and handed it over. The man rang up the sale on the register and inserted the money. He attempted to fold up the crinoline but it was large and unwieldy and finally Lorin said, "I don't really need a bag for it. I'll just put it in my backpack." The man looked at Lorin as if he did not understand, but did not object when Lorin took the crinoline from him and folded it up and put it into his backpack along with the bag containing the sundress.
"Thanks a lot," Lorin said. "I hope to come back next week."
The man nodded and went back to sitting in his chair. Lorin ran out the door and headed home with his wonderful new possessions.
When Lorin got home he went to his bathroom to try on the sundress. This time he made sure to place his clothes inside the bathroom in case his mother came home. When he was naked, he slipped the sundress over his head and pulled it down.
His heart ached with happiness when he saw how well it fit him. With his thin figure in the pretty pink dress he looked like a rather delicate young girl. There was no doubt about it. With just a change in hairstyle he could see himself as one of Penny's girl friends. With almost two months to go before camp started it seemed like an eon of time he would have to wait before he could finally be Lauren.
Lorin thought of getting out his gown to see how it fit over the crinoline but decided against it. He would have to exercise as much self-control as possible lest he jeopardize the entire plan by an unexpected visit from his mom, dad or sister. He took off the sundress, opened up his hiding place and put the things in, and then locked it back up.
As was his habit, he lay on his bed, retrieved his diary and wrote:
|
Lorin had been so preoccupied with his plans for getting his camp clothes that he hadn't thought much about what the next step ought to be with Penny. He was thus surprised when Penny turned around in English class one day and handed him an invitation to a party at her house.
"I'm having a party for some of the kids in the class. The Saturday after next, I hope you can make it."
"I'm sure I can," Lorin said. "That's so nice of you."
He surreptitiously opened the invitation while Mr. Oster called the class to order. The invitation consisted of a printed card with swirling daisies on which Penny had written the time date and place of the party. Below she had written a special note to Lorin saying: "I really hope you can make it!"
Lorin couldn't tell what made him more excited: being invited to his very first party or the fact that Penny seemed to really like him despite what he had considered to be his poor showing on their date. He hoped that Kenny was also invited. If he weren't it would only hurt him if Lorin mentioned the party to him, so Lorin realized that he would just have to keep quiet about it and hope to see Kenny at the party.
It was hard for Lorin to stifle the fantasy that maybe Penny wanted to be his girl friend. This invitation could be a giant hint. He wished he knew for sure. Maybe he would discuss it with his dad. Anyway, things were sure looking up, except for the nagging thought that he was deceiving Penny about his desire to be Lauren. Stealing her bra was bad enough. Even worse was the fact that every time he was with her he would know that he had a secret life unfolding bit by bit. And then this summer he would be Lauren and there would be a cotillion picture taken with him seated with all the other girls. In the fall it was hard to imagine being Lorin again. Would he be able to withstand the psychological currents? Only time would tell.
A few days later, Lorin's mom sent him over to Mrs. McGonagle's house with a casserole and instructions to find out if there was any help she needed. "She's having a rough time now that she's alone. We all need to try and brighten her life." Lorin had always like Mrs. McGonagle so he had no objection to doing as his mother said. To deliver the casserole, he had to walk the long way around to avoid climbing the fence that lay between their yards.
Mrs. McGonagle was quite pleased to see Lorin and very much touched by his offer to help her with any chores around the house that might be difficult for her. "You can help me move some cartons down from my daughter Sally's room. I've been in a mood to simplify now that Fred is gone. He was so nostalgic. Didn't want to throw out anything, especially Sally's stuff that she left behind when she moved out after college. I always told him. If she doesn't want it, why should we?"
Up in her daughter's former room Mrs. McGonagle indicated a number of large cartons for Lorin to carry downstairs and put out on the porch. "It's just a lot of clothes that she outgrew or thought wasn't cool enough to wear. You know how girls are." Her sentence stung him. Lorin so desperately wanted to know "how girls are." "I'm giving them all to the Goodwill."
Lorin picked up the first carton and carried it down the stairs and out onto the side porch while Mrs. McGonagle remained upstairs filling up another carton. Lorin noticed that the carton was not taped shut and after listening carefully to make sure that Mrs. McGonagle was not coming down the stairs he opened the flaps and looked inside. On top was a white blouse that he lifted out and opened up to get a better look. It was in a peasant style with puffy sleeves and lace around the neck and arm openings.
Miracle of miracles it looked like it would fit him. What other clothes were in there he wondered. Hastily he put the blouse back and went back upstairs. He fetched the second carton and this time after he brought it to the porch he poked down deep inside it feeling around with his hand. He came across something soft and pulled it out. It was a girls' bathing suit decorated with green flowers and styled with a small attached skirt. Oh my God, Lorin thought. It could be perfect for him if it fit since it would hide his telltale bulge. How perfect. It was something he had not thought about before.
Excited at the possibilities, Lorin climbed back up the stairs trying to think of a plan as to how he could get the clothes. What other wonderful things lurked in the cartons? He would need time to go through them carefully and try on things. There was just one more box and Mrs. McGonagle followed Lorin down the stairs with it. He put it next to the other two. Casually glancing around the porch Lorin saw that there was a screen door opening to the back yard that was held shut by a simple hook.
Before he left, he would have to undo the hook and then sneak back sometime to get the clothes. "When might the Goodwill people come?" Lorin asked, trying to sound like he was being friendly.
"They usually come pretty quickly. Maybe tomorrow. Why?
"Nothing, I am just curious how it works. I don't think my mom and dad have ever had them come to get something."
"Come, have some milk and cookies. You've been a big help."
Lorin sat down at the kitchen table and Mrs. McGonagle served him some cookies and milk. While he ate, the phone rang and she excused herself to answer it in the next room. As soon as she was gone, Lorin crept back onto the porch, undid the outside door latch, and quickly returned to his seat.
It was not a moment too soon. "That was your mom. I told her you were an angel."
Lorin smiled and wondered when he might get a chance to carry out his mission.
That night, after Lorin had gone to bed he was unable to sleep. There was a very real possibility that the boxes of clothes would be picked up by Goodwill the next day. Ms. McGonagle had said as much. His only time to act was that night. He would have to do something really crazy, like sneak out when everyone was asleep and carry out his mission as if he were a commando. The thought of doing something like that was terrifying, but Lorin had no choice. He would have to do it, or suffer the pain of knowing that he had let all those great clothes slip through his fingers. He would have to do it very late, like at 2AM or so but he would also have to stay awake until then since it was too risky to have his alarm clock go off in the middle of the night. Lorin turned on his reading lamp, found a book and began reading. In a short while he fell asleep.
At 3:30 AM Lorin awoke with a start and looked at the clock. "Oh, shit," he said and got out of bed. He dressed himself in black pants and a black long sleeve shirt and black socks and put on black sneakers. He put his flash light in his pocket and silently snuck down the stairs to the living room. He crossed it to the kitchen and gathered a few plastic bags from the cupboard. He turned the latch on the kitchen door and gently pulled it. It gave just slightly and he pulled harder. Suddenly it sprang open making a noticeable sound and Lorin froze in place listening to see if his parents or sister had heard it.
After a few tense minutes he relaxed and exited the house. He crept quietly around to the back yard and then to the fence. There had been many times that he had had to chase balls into Mrs. McGonagle's back yard and so he was adept at climbing the fence. Just a sliver of the moon peaked out from behind some high clouds and a gentle wind was blowing. The sound of his beating heart was so loud in his ears that he thought he might have a heart attack. It was scary. This was going to take every ounce of courage he could muster. He climbed over the fence without incident and slowly made his way to the porch door. He prayed that Mrs. McGonagle had not relocked the door.
With racing heart he tested the door and it opened a crack. Elated, he opened it further and there was a large crackling sound of the metal spring that was used to force it back when opened. The sound seemed to echo and bounce around the porch as if it would wake up the whole neighborhood. How in the world would he ever get in with that sound? A dog a few houses away barked a couple of times and Lorin contemplated going home in defeat. He waited. Clearly he had not disturbed Mrs. McGonagle, or, had he. She might this very minute be calling the police to catch a burglar.
He waited longer. It was still quiet in the house. His bladder suddenly felt full and he wished he could pee. To go ahead with the plan he would have to muffle the sound of the door spring. He gently closed the door and looked around in the back yard to see if there was something he might use. He dimly made out a sheet hanging on a clothesline and took it off. Back at the door he wrapped it several times around the spring and then tried opening the door again. It now made a much fainter sound and with all his nerves he opened the door enough to fit through and slid onto the porch.
At the first carton he slowly opened the top and shined his flashlight inside. He took out the peasant blouse and put it in his bag. Below this were some long pants and a couple of sweaters. Then he saw something pink and fished it out. It was a pair of shorts. He held them up to his waist and decided that they probably would fit. He continued on through the rest of the box and then into the others. He accumulated several pairs of shorts, four blouses, two skirts, two bathing suits, both of which had little skirts, five pairs of panties and two slips, one short and one long.
At the very bottom of the last box was a pair of white high heels. He took off one of his shoes and tried on the girl's shoe. It was a bit tight but after some effort he got it on. It would have to suffice in case he couldn't find any other shoes to wear with his cotillion dress.
The clothing he had accumulated filled three bags and he realized that the boxes would appear to be much emptier if Mrs. McGonagle were to look in them. He looked around the porch and saw several stacks of old plastic flowerpots. He took several of these and shoved them under the clothing of each box raising the level. He would have a few tense days worrying about whether Mrs. McGonagle had noticed this or not. Luckily he figured that there would be no proof that he had done it and even if she were to accuse him he would just lie and lie until they gave up. He was starting to think like a criminal. But there was nothing he could do about it. He was so far into this there was no turning back. He had to think only about the good side: that he now had made a big dent in getting his summer wardrobe and, if he were really, really lucky, in a few short weeks he'd be at Camp Shoni.
Lorin gathered the bags and headed to the porch door when suddenly a light came on in the kitchen. Lorin nearly fainted in fear and he felt a huge thump in his heart and loins. He lay down on the floor and rolled under a wooden bench next to a picnic table tucking the bags of clothes against himself. Suddenly the door to the kitchen flung open and Lorin felt the presence of Mrs. McGonagle. What had she heard, he wondered? Perhaps she had seen his flashlight. If she took a couple of steps out onto the porch she would surely see him in the light from the doorway.
Mrs. McGonagle said, "Sarge, I've told you a thousand times to stay off my face when I sleep. As punishment you'll have to stay out here tonight."
There was a loud sound of a cat meowing and the next thing Lorin knew Mrs. McGonagle threw her cat onto the porch. The kitchen door then slammed shut and in a minute the lights went out. Lorin wanted to dance for joy but in the next moment he could see Sarge staring at his face in the dark. Lorin stood up, gathered his bags and hurriedly left through the porch door.
After he got outside he realized that Sarge had left with him. Accidentally, Lorin stepped on the cat's tail and Sarge let out a loud screech. Immediately the light went on in an upstairs window. Lorin grabbed the sheet from the screen door, ran across the backyard, threw the sheet over the line and raced to the back fence. He tossed the bags over it and then clambered over himself just as he heard Ms. McGonagle running across the yard after Sarge.
"You damn cat. Did you see a fox? How did you get outside? Sometimes I want to strangle you."
Gasping for breath, Lorin rested against his side of the fence listening for Mrs. McGonagle to go back inside. In a few minutes he heard the screen door slam. Lorin got up, tiptoed across the yard and entered his house closing the door behind him. Slowly and methodically he scaled the steps and went into his room. He put his treasure under the bed to await the next day when he would find out how successful he had really been.
After he undressed and put away his black clothes he shut out the light and climbed into bed. A minute later he got up, turned the light back on, reached under the bed and fumbled through the bags until he had pulled out a panty and the half-slip. The latter was silky soft, pale blue. He put the panties and slip on, got back into bed and pulled the covers up to his neck. He felt happy and proud of himself. The mission had been successful. It had taken a lot of courage. He was becoming a girl, bit by bit by bit.
He reached under the covers and touched the silky fabric and sighed deeply. Tomorrow he would have to write a very long letter to Barbie telling her all about what he had done, and about how happy he felt, and about how much like a girl he was becoming. Just before he fell asleep he decided that tomorrow, and from now on, except gym days, he would wear panties to school. He certainly had enough pairs now so that it made sense.
Chapter 6
At dinner the day after his "commando raid" to Mrs. McGonagle's porch, Lorin listened guiltily as his mom related what she had heard that afternoon from Mrs. McGonagle. It seems that she had inadvertently scared off a burglar that previous evening when by chance she turned out her cat that had been annoying her. She had not actually seen the burglar, but this morning she had noticed that one of her sheets, which had been drying outdoors in the backyard, had gotten some terrible grease stains on it. In addition, she was sure that the burglar had left open the screen door so that her cat got out. She thinks that the burglar was intending to take some boxes of old clothes that were lying on the porch waiting for Goodwill to pick up. The strangest thing was that the burglar had added some old plastic pots to the boxes as if he wanted to take them also.
"Wow, how bizarre," Lorin's dad said. "Stealing plastic flower pots? I think that a more probable explanation is that Mrs. McGonagle forgot to lock the porch door; the cat got out and scratched the sheet. She probably absentmindedly put the flower pots in with the clothes. Or it could have been a raccoon," his dad said. "They like to clean up after eating and one of them could have used her sheet to dry its hands."
"Not funny," Lorin's mom said as she suppressed a laugh. "She has enough stress in her life without having to deal with burglars or pushy raccoons. Lorin was helping her yesterday afternoon. How was she then?"
"She seemed the same to me. She gave me milk and cookies."
"She is a sweet old lady. I hope we all can be as courageous as her when we get that old."
The time had come when Lorin was expecting a letter from Camp Shoni containing information about who his bunkmates would be. Would he be in a cabin of bunnies or with some wolves? Lorin was fearful of being put in a cabin with girls who saw themselves as wolves since he imagined they would be brash and over-confident and probably not afraid of finding out anything they wanted about him. Particularly if they had any suspicions of whether or not he was really a girl! He knew that he was a bunny at heart. At least he understood that to mean that he was gentle, that he liked being a girl, that he took pleasure in his own femininity. The wolves probably did not feel that way. They probably hated wearing dresses. He couldn't imagine how any girl would not be absolutely ecstatic about having society's permission to wear skirts or dresses whenever they wanted. He envied girls that freedom and if his summer was to be perfect he wanted to be surrounded by girls who felt the same way that he did.
It is not an exaggeration to say that as each day came and went Lorin became more and more of a nervous wreck. He was worried about accidentally missing the envelope. Or it could arrive on Saturday when very likely his mom or dad would be first at the mail box. His fears were compounded when after dinner on Tuesday his mom called him into the study to listen to a voice mail message that had come in that day. She played it for him. It was a woman's voice: "Hello this is Jensen's department store. We want to let you know that Penny's bras have arrived. She can pick them up at any time. They're at the sales desk and we can hold them just until Saturday. Thank you."
Lorin came as close to having a stroke as somebody can without actually having one. While inside his mind he felt for sure that his arteries would burst, he forced himself to smile and feign ignorance.
"Gosh, mom, I don't know." A sudden desire came over him to confess everything. The deception was too much for him to maintain any longer.
He searched for some words and his mom looked at him with amusement. "I think your friend Penny must have given Jensen's our phone number."
Lorin was speechless. "Why would she do that?"
"How many Penny's are there? I don't think it's a very common name around here. And the fact that it's our exact phone number. I was thinking that you should relay the message to Penny, assuming she's the one. Otherwise she might not know the bras have arrived."
"You mean tell her that her ..."
"Bras. They won't bite you Lorin. She'll be very grateful to you. Look, do you want me to call her up instead?"
"No! I'll tell her in school tomorrow. OK?"
"Sure. That's fine. You could just tell her Jensen's called about her order. You don't even have to mention that it was bras."
"Thanks, mom. That's what I'll do."
"Thank you. Now you better finish your homework."
The next evening at dinner Lorin's mom asked him if he'd relayed the message to Penny. Before he could say anything about it, his dad asked, "what message?"
"Yesterday Jenkins department store left a message that Penny's bras had arrived and she could come pick them up."
"On our answering machine?"
"Mom," Lorin broke in, blushing. "I told Penny about the message. What happened she guessed is that she and Janice were buying you know whats and while they were at the desk they were talking about the guest list for the party, and she was holding a list of phone numbers and names, and somehow by accident the woman wrote down the wrong number."
"How strange," his mom said with some amusement. "Kids can be so ditzy."
After dinner things got even tenser for Lorin when his dad called him into his study. In front of him was his check book. "We got the bill for the balance of your camp today. I need you to put it in the mail tomorrow," his dad said and then started chuckling. "It's actually very amusing." His dad let out a guffaw. "The secretary at that camp is a dodo!"
"What do you mean dad?" Lorin said trying to smile but feeling like he was about to be hit by a sledgehammer. How in the world did the letter get by him? He had carefully checked the mail that afternoon.
"Look!" his dad said and convulsed with laughter. He held up the bill and on it it said, "Balance due for camper Lauren Baxter" and below that a box next to "Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad" had been checked. Well actually the check mark just missed the box by a tiny amount so that it was between the Camp Shoni box and the Camp Dan box.
"The secretary must have thought that Lorin was Lauren and just went ahead and turned you into a girl!" His dad shook with laughter.
Lorin desperately wanted to laugh but the intensity of blood rushing through his head made him feel faint. He managed a weak smile. "Gosh dad. It's pretty strange." He then saw the ripped open envelope on the desk and he picked it up and saw that the return address was just CCLN followed by a P.O. Box. "Damn," he thought. CCLN meant Confederated Camps of Lake Navajo. To his dad he said, "All the other stuff that came was for Camp Dan."
"I know Lorin; it's just a foolish error. I'll make a note about it on the form." His dad found a black marker pen and printed L O R I N over the Lauren that was there. He then put a large X on the square in front of Camp Dah-nes-tsa. "That should wake them up!" He wrote the check, slipped it and the camp form into the return envelope, sealed it, put a stamp on it and handed it to Lorin. "Don't forget to mail it tomorrow!"
"Thanks Dad, I won't."
"There are so many weird things going on around here, it's like we're haunted," Lorin's dad said chuckling to himself.
Ashen faced, Lorin walked back to his room thinking that he must be like a cat with nine lives and that maybe he had only one or two left. If he actually did end up getting to Camp Shoni it would have to be because God really wanted him to be wearing his pretty dress at the Cotillion. Why else would he have such good luck?
In the morning Lorin ripped open the envelope his dad had sealed and he made a hand written facsimile of the original form. In small letters near the bottom he wrote "original form got wet, hope this is OK." He addressed a new envelope to CCLN and placed the form and check inside and sealed it. On his way to school he mailed it.
That afternoon an oversized manila envelope addressed to Lauren Baxter from Camp Shoni arrived in the afternoon mail and Lorin breathed a big sigh of relief that he had gotten it before his parents would have seen it. The package clearly contained something soft inside and when Lorin opened it up, besides all the camp information he was expecting, there was a bright pink tee-shirt. Across the front it said, "I'm a bunny at Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah tad" with a cute picture of a smiling bunny in the middle. It was clear that he was going to be a bunny and Lorin found himself laughing with glee.
Inside the envelope was a form letter that had been filled out indicating that he was assigned to Cabin 4 and that the 8 girls in it would all be bunnies. Below this was a list of the eight girls including their names, phone numbers and email addresses. He was listed second after Ann. Following his name was Thalia, Susan, Eileen, Janet, Joan and Judy. Something about the reality of seeing his name included with seven other girls made him choke up with emotion and he stopped laughing. Here was living proof of the reality of what he had done. It was not just that he was running around planning to be a girl and buying and pilfering pretty clothes. No. He had forced others to be a part of his deception. There were seven girls in his cabin that now had gotten this same letter and saw a girl named Lauren Baxter and did not know that this girl was really a boy. He had no choice but to make sure that he was as perfect a girl as he could be, so they would never ever find out that they had been tricked.
It was also true that in his heart he was truly Lauren Baxter. He knew that he would definitely have more in common with the girls in his cabin than he would ever have with a group of boys in Camp Dan. That had to be true. Deep down inside himself he knew it had to be true. He smiled with the realization that it would not be hard to be Lauren this summer. He was emotionally a girl and by being himself, he would be Lauren.
The letter mentioned that the counselor for Cabin 4 would be Marilyn who was a sophomore at Penn State majoring in theatre. The letter encouraged the girls to either call or email each other ahead of time and asked them to wear their bunny tee shirts to camp the first day. Lorin saw that the form had his family phone number listed. If one of the girls called him he'd have to talk to her as Lauren. He would have to make up and practice using his Lauren voice. It also occurred to him that he would have to be prepared if one of the girls should call and his parents answered the phone.
He hid the shirt with his other Lauren clothes and turned on the downstairs television and flipped through the stations until he found a program with a group of teenage girls. He listened to them for a few minutes and then turned off the sound and tried imitating what he had heard. Then he turned the sound back on and listened some more. He repeated this for an hour until he heard his mom come home and he turned off the television and went back to his room. He guessed that he had a gift as an impressionist since he felt that with just a little more practice he would have a passable girl voice. The harder part was to say girl things in conversation. He had tried that with Penny and Janice and he knew that it did take some effort to get into talking about the kinds of subjects girls might be prone to talk about. In any event, over the phone he probably could do OK though he would pretend he was very shy so he wouldn't have to say very much. The moment he was on the bus heading to camp, however, he would have to jump completely into feeling, talking and acting like a girl.
Just like the previous Thursday, Lorin was free to go clothes hunting after school since Kenny was busy, so he decided he had better go get his bras at Jensen's Department store. He walked there after school, and the whole way there he hoped and prayed that he would have enough courage to buy the bras no matter what happened. He especially prayed that the woman he had bought his cotillion dress from would not be there, though since this was also a Thursday he figured she was likely to be working somewhere in the women's department.
Being a midweek afternoon, Lorin was relieved to see that the store was not well populated. Glancing around he saw no one he knew and he took the escalator up to the intimate apparel section. On the way there he noted that there was no longer a display of the prom dress he had bought. The others that were there did not compete in prettiness with the one he had gotten.
In the bra department he saw a couple of women waiting on line to purchase bras and panties at the counter and he uncomfortably got in line behind them. Though he felt terribly nervous, he also reminded himself that he sort of had a right to be there since he was in some sort of way also a girl. He was definitely not like other boys, that was for sure. To his chagrin he saw that the saleswoman was the very one who had sold him the dress. She was busy folding up a couple of bras and putting them in a paper bag when Lorin saw her look up and see him. Lorin was sure that she seemed startled in some way, though he wasn't certain if it was because she was unhappy or happy to see him.
Lorin hoped that the woman ahead of him would be quick since he was afraid that someone might enter the line behind him, in which case she would be able to listen to him ask for the bras. Fortunately the woman ahead of him only wanted to exchange a panty girdle for one of the same type but in a larger size. "I thought this would fit me, but I just couldn't get my big butt into it." The saleswoman laughed and Lorin wanted to also, but he kept quiet instead.
Finally it was his turn. "How did your dress fit?" the saleswoman said.
The remark caught Lorin so off guard he couldn't think of anything to say. In a panic, he thought he should just run away, but before he did so the woman said, "you know I checked with the store lawyer who I happened to see at a coffee break and he told me that there is actually no law prohibiting the store from selling girls clothes to minor boys. I had been feeling somewhat uncomfortable, selling you that dress and I was a bit angry with myself for not first checking with your parents or something like that. I can't afford to lose this job."
"I said the dress is for my sister. I don't see how you could get in trouble," Lorin said with a tremor in his voice.
"Oh, I forgot you're a crier. Please don't be upset. It's just that I believe in honesty and I don't like pretending that what I'm seeing is something else."
At the mention of his tears, Lorin felt tears coming on.
"Wait a minute. No need to cry. I believe in compassion and kindness also. To tell you the truth you really worried me the other day. You looked so scared and uncomfortable. Actually, my heart went out to you."
Lorin started to cry and the woman said, "you cry like a... well I shouldn't say that. It is very feminine of you. Look, I know I seem nosy, but it's not every day that a boy buys a pretty dress and it's so obvious he can't wait to put it on. Ninety nine percent of the girls I see getting prom dresses just want to look cool and fit in with the other girls. It doesn't matter a whole lot what particular dress they get. Sure they like feeling pretty but they tend not to feel the rapture you were feeling."
Lorin collected his feelings together and took out a tissue and blew his nose. "I didn't think it was so obvious."
"It was. I imagine it's a pretty hard thing for a young boy to hide. You're so outside your normal world. Like even right now. How often do you think I have a young boy in the bra department by himself? And don't tell me that you have to buy bras for your sister. That's so lame you could fly an airplane through it. Between you and me let's just stop all pretense. You're obviously a cross dresser or maybe even a girl wannabe. I don't feel bad about you and I really don't disrespect you. In fact, you're a pretty courageous kid and I respect you for that."
Despite still sobbing a little, Lorin started to smile and then said, "I can't thank you enough. This has been so hard and no one in the whole world knows about this except you."
A woman holding a couple of bras walked over toward the counter and the saleswoman said to Lorin in a louder and less personal voice, "and how can I help you?"
Lorin said, "someone from the store left a phone message at my house saying that a special order had arrived. It's for Penny."
"Penny? OK, let me look." She looked behind the counter and then held up a package. "This says it's for Penny and Lorin Baxter."
"Great, that must be it."
The saleswoman took out three bras from the bag and held them up. "Let's see, we've got one pink and two white padded 34A bras? Is that what you're expecting?"
"I guess so. I don't really know. My mom said it was three of them."
"Bras?"
"Yes."
The woman folded them up, put them back in the bag and rang up the sale. It came to $47.70 and Lorin handed over the money. When giving him change the saleswoman said in a low voice, "I work here Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. If you need to talk, don't be shy."
"Thanks," Lorin said.
"Better yet," she said, and then scribbled something on a Jensen's business card and handed it to him.
When he had gotten to the escalator Lorin looked at the card. On the back she had written a name "Beth" and a phone number. Lorin felt a huge rush of tears and he fought them as best as he could. Outside on the street he put the bag with the bras in his back pack. On the way home he thought to himself, that that was exactly why he knew he wanted to be a girl. Girls were so kind and generous in their feelings and judgments and that's the way he knew he was in his heart also.
Lorin was terribly nervous about attending Penny's party. Not least was the fact that he had no idea what kind of outfit he should wear. He was afraid of being too dorky or too formal. His parents were of no help; they suggested he wear a tie and jacket. Luckily his sister gave him some reasonable advice: go casual, but not too casual, which meant wear a shirt with a collar and his regular jeans.
Lorin's biggest fear was of having no one to talk to at the party. He would look foolish sitting by himself trying to smile and act comfortable: everyone would notice that no one wanted to talk to him. On the other hand, not going was out of the question. He couldn't allow himself to cave into his fears. And more important than anything was the fact that he would see Penny again and maybe have a chance to get to know her a little bit better.
He made sure to arrive at Penny's house 20 minutes after the time the party was to start. Not too late, not too early. It turned out however that he was the first guy to arrive. Penny's mom ushered him downstairs to the party room where he saw that Penny was with Janice, Valerie and Kathy from his class and another girl he didn't know. Penny seemed genuinely happy to see him. She came up to him, smiled and told him to make himself at home. Before he could say anything to her, she was distracted by a group of other guys coming down the stairs. Lorin said hello to Janice and the other girls and then watched as they made their way across the room toward the new arrivals. Lorin found himself alone.
He forced a smile on his face and nervously looked at the decorations: red balloons and red bunting taped on the knotty pine paneling. A few nice sofas ringed the room and there was a built in bar that had bottles of soda on it. There were bowls of potato chips and other treats. Lorin couldn't decide whether to stand or sit. He drifted a bit closer to the other kids and then saw that a guy from his class named Stanley had arrived. He was also not one of the cool kids and Lorin felt a bit relieved that here was someone he could talk to, at least a little bit.
Later Lorin realized that Kenny had obviously not been invited and he felt sorry for him. Probably Penny had no idea they were best friends. Lorin was glad that he had been smart enough not to mention the party to him. A stereo system had been set up in a corner and one of the girls put in a CD of dance music. A few kids started to dance. Lorin watched Penny flitting around the room talking to various kids and wished he had the courage to ask her to dance.
While he was contemplating if he should move next to the food or figure out if any of the other girls at the party might be willing to dance with him, he saw Penny looking his way and then she came over to him and said, "let's dance." Dancing was one thing Lorin felt pretty good about. He had watched many TV shows with girls dancing and he had spent a lot of time imitating their movements.
It was a fast dance and as he and Penny got into the rhythm Lorin found himself relaxing and even feeling a little bit of self confidence. Near the end of the dance he began wondering if Penny would run off to dance with someone else when the song ended or would she stay to talk. Just in case she decided to stay he had better have something to say. The thought made him nervous again and then he wondered why was he making everything so complicated.
When the song ended Penny said, "you're a nice dancer Lorin."
"And you too," Lorin said. "Thanks for inviting me. I've never been..." Lorin stopped in mid sentence. This was not the time to confess he had never been to a party before. "I've always liked dancing."
The first strains of a slow song started up and Lorin thought he should ask her to dance. Someone called out "the lights," and they suddenly dimmed.
"Not too low," Penny yelled, "or my mom will join us." The lights got slightly brighter again. Lorin felt like there was an explosion of blood in his head and he would just burst open. "Dance?" he said in a clipped and unnatural voice. Penny turned immediately toward him and raised her arms as if to hold him. Literally shaking with excitement Lorin held her and they started dancing together. They were a good height match and Lorin could comfortably talk into her ear and she into his.
At first they were quiet and then Penny said, "you're not like the other boys Lorin."
"What do you mean?" Lorin said in alarm.
"Not in a bad way. In a good way. I got to thinking after our date that you were very thoughtful. You listened and you didn't act like I wasn't there half the time."
"Why wouldn't I listen to you? I want to hear what you say. You're very interesting."
"That's something I usually never hear boys say. You're so unusual like that."
Lorin let himself feel the reality of holding Penny. She was wearing blue jeans and a black top that was sort of like a leotard. She had a pink ribbon tied in her hair. His right hand lay across her back and with his finger tips he made out the outline of her bra. He suddenly felt like he was carrying a great burden and he was tired. What did he really want? Penny or being Lauren? The thought of wearing his own pretty dress at the cotillion was something he could not give up. Yet the chance to be in love with Penny, to be able to count on her wanting to be with him and hold him was something he could never just walk away from. Could there be a universe that was big enough to allow him to be both Lauren and to have Penny?
As he basked in the joy of holding Penny he also felt sick and tired of feeling like he was as inarticulate as a block of wood whenever he was near her. Her ear was right near his lips and he decided that at all costs he would talk; he would try and find a way to be himself.
"Your ear is right next to my lips so I'm going to take advantage of this. OK?"
"OK, Penny whispered.
"OK great. Let's see. The first thing I'm going to do is make you laugh within the next five seconds."
Penny laughed.
"That was way too easy," Lorin said.
"Try again," Penny said. "You caught me by surprise."
"OK. This time I'll make you laugh in 3.14159265359 seconds."
Penny shook with laughter.
"You're no challenge," Lorin said.
"Are you always so silly?" Penny said.
"I can be, if you like."
"I like laughing."
"I hope that's a good sign."
"It's a very good sign Lorin. I think also that you're not as shy as you seem."
"You've been seeing my shyness?"
"I've decided I like shy. I think it may be better than cool since it's more sincere."
"Can't I be cool-shy?"
Penny laughed again. "No you don't have my permission."
Lorin laughed. The dance ended and Penny smiled at him and said, "it's easy to dance with you Lorin. I've got to go mingle," and she walked away. Lorin felt a glow inside and made his way slowly to a table with chips, salsa and guacamole. He felt happy and alive and he savored the memory of her warm body in his arms. He felt sure that they would dance together again. He would just have to wait until the time was right. But what if she started staying mainly with some other guy? He did his best to push such thoughts out of his mind.
Perhaps because of his new found status of having danced with Penny, some of the other kids in the party seemed to be more welcoming to Lorin than he expected they would be. Janice in particular seemed to make an effort at being friendlier than she had been on his date with Penny.
A fast song came up and Lorin felt bold enough to ask Janice to dance with him. She accepted and while he danced he saw that Penny was dancing with one of the guys they had met at the park on their date. He didn't know if he should feel jealous or not. It was so hard to figure how Penny could both like guys like that and also himself. In any event, Penny certainly gave no indication that she was jealous of his dancing with Janice.
When the dance ended, to his relief, Lorin saw Penny leave the guy she was with. He saw her head over to a couple of latecomers that were just coming down the stairs to the party room. There was a guy and girl and Lorin saw Penny greet them enthusiastically. The two of them were not from his class at school yet there was something about the girl that seemed familiar. Not only that but Lorin began feeling uneasy for reasons that he couldn't quite pin point. He turned away and had some more dip and then it hit him like a thunderbolt that the girl was the very same one who he had met in the bra department at Jenkins a few weeks earlier. They had talked briefly. There was no doubt that Lorin would have to leave the party before she saw him. He scouted around for a way out but it was clear that the only way was up the stairs next to where Penny and the girl were talking.
He observed the situation and decided that if Penny and her friends walked to the right he would sneak around to the left to get to the stairs, or vice versa. While his sudden departure would be weird it would not be anywhere as embarrassing as if the girl told Penny and everyone else about his interest in padded bras. Poised ready to react, Lorin was surprised to see Penny glance around the room, see Lorin and then lead the couple directly toward him. Penny gave him a slight wave and Lorin was nailed to his spot unable to think of anything to do short of running out of the room at full speed.
"Lorin, I want you to meet one of my best friends. This is Cindy and her friend Greg."
Cindy looked at Lorin, smiled and said hello. Greg stuck out his hand and Lorin shook it.
"You look awfully familiar," Cindy said.
"I think a lot of people look like me," Lorin said.
Penny laughed and said, "I don't think so. Cindy used to live near me but she moved to the other side of town. She goes to Bryant and so does Greg."
"Neat," Lorin said.
"I like the kids here better," Cindy said, "they're a bit snobby over there. It took me a long time to make friends."
"Actually Cindy was the snob," Greg said jokingly and Cindy turned around and feigned hitting him.
The truth was that the homes were much bigger on the other side of town and Cindy's parents no doubt moved there when they started making more money. Lorin could see Cindy staring at him and scrunching up her face in thought. Then suddenly he saw her eyes widen and then become slits as she seemed to think of something funny. She shook her head ever so slightly and Lorin knew without any doubt that she had placed him. He was the bra buying boy and his goose was now cooked. He prayed she'd say nothing here at the party; after all she had been very nice at the store.
"I just remembered where I met Lorin," Cindy said. "It was downtown in one of the stores. Jenkins? You were buying something for your sister."
"Oh, yeah," Lorin said as if he was about to get a bad case of indigestion.
"I was with my parents. We were shopping for all kinds of stuff. I got some new, oh, I better not say in the present company."
"Some girly stuff?" Greg said. "She's always buying girly stuff. Her parents really spoil her!"
"So when are you going to spoil me?" Cindy said.
"When I'm rich I'll buy everything except all your girly junk."
Penny said, "you two never quit. But Greg what's wrong with girls buying girly stuff. You boys buy boysy stuff."
"Not truckloads," Greg said.
Lorin saw Cindy eying him. His fate rested in her hands. He could practically imagine her saying something like, "Lorin buys girly stuff. He was buying bras for his sister; only the saleslady didn't believe that. None of us did." Only it never happened and Lorin breathed a sigh of relief when Cindy and Greg went off to dance together and then Lorin was able to dance with Penny. It was another slow dance and Penny said to him, "you're shaking a little, trembling. Are you cold?"
"Am I?" Lorin said and then heard himself say "it's probably from holding you. It's so nice."
Penny rested her head on his shoulder and Lorin inhaled the scent of her hair and girlish aroma. It was hard to believe that this was his life and not a dream. Lorin attempted to record every aspect of what it felt like to be holding Penny, so he would never forget it.
He wondered what the consequences would be of this evening. Could he count on dating her, and if so how often? Would he now eat with her at school, talk to her before and after class? How would he explain it to Kenny? What would Kenny do during lunch if Lorin was eating with Penny? Should he invite Kenny over?
When the dance was over Penny mingled again and Lorin tried to circulate also. Though he purposefully tried to keep to the opposite side of the room from Cindy, nonetheless he found himself alone with her in front of the food table. Cindy said her heels were killing her and she invited Lorin to sit down and talk to her.
Though he tried to hide it, Lorin knew that his nervousness was showing and Cindy was perceptive enough to pick up on it.
Lorin said, "nice party."
"Yeah it's pretty cool. Penny has so many friends."
"Did your sister get her bras?" Cindy said with a trace of laughter.
"Oh, yeah, the bras. Yeah we got the phone call and she went and got them."
"I think it was very brave of you to go buy bras."
"Yeah, I guess I looked pretty foolish."
Cindy laughed, "my dad said that he was sure that you were buying them for yourself and my mom said she agreed with him."
Lorin twisted uncomfortably in his seat. Before he could think of some sort of denial Cindy asked him, "you weren't were you?"
Lorin said, "of course not. I guess it really did look like that. Look, I feel real embarrassed and I really need to thank you for not telling everyone about it."
"I know that Greg would probably roast you over that. He's a nice guy but he's not as self-assured as you."
"What do you mean, I think I'm the exact opposite."
"No, he and most guys are really worried about their masculinity so they'd never be caught dead buying bras. You're obviously comfortable enough with it that you did it. I think it makes you more mature than most guys."
"But most guys would just say I was acting like a girl or something."
"They say it, but it's not necessarily true. Masculinity is such a nuisance."
"But don't girls like masculinity?"
"Up to a point. Well some girls have a kind a thing for it, but most girls like it in moderation, cause it means that you're different from us, but we don't like it so much that you're insensitive. The stupidest thing is boys feeling like they've got to beat up everyone and everything in sight instead of using their brains and thinking. You know what I mean?"
Lorin looked across the room and saw Penny dancing a slow dance with Greg. Cindy looked where Lorin was looking and smiled. "I bet Greg has a thing for Penny. She's so gorgeous."
"I hope not!"
"It's OK Lorin. Boys are boys. He can like her without cheating on me. Just like you can like me without cheating on Penny."
"Cheating on Penny? I didn't know that..."
"She likes you a lot. She told me that just before she introduced us. It's one reason I didn't say anything about the bras. I like you both and it's just between you and me."
"That's really nice of you. Actually I really liked you in the store. You're so easy to talk to. I'm glad I've met you."
"I feel the same way."
The dance was over and Penny and Greg came over. Penny sat down very close to Lorin, looked at him and smiled.
"Oh man, guacamole," Greg said, "I love that stuff."
"My mom made it," Penny said.
They chatted on for awhile. Lorin felt in a dreamy mood. He had so much to think about, but he'd do it some other time. For right now he was going to bask in the glorious promise of his new relationship with Penny.
By eleven o'clock some of the kids started to leave and someone turned down the lights lower. Lorin sat next to Penny and surveying the room Lorin saw that everyone was coupled off. The music was now only slow songs. A few couples danced and most others sat in the chairs and sofas. In the dim light Lorin was sure he could see some couples kissing.
After debating the wisdom of doing it for what seemed like a half hour, Lorin finally put his arm around Penny and she immediately rested her head against his and gently laid her hand on his knee. Lorin's heart thumped and pounded heavily in his chest. Nearby Lorin saw Greg kiss Cindy and then saw what looked to be Greg's hand resting over her breast. Lorin wondered if it were the pink 34NA bra that Cindy was wearing and that Greg would be touching if he slipped his hand in her blouse.
He supposed that Penny was expecting him to kiss her. He had never kissed a girl. Well he had never put his arm around a girl either for that matter. He couldn't go through another half hour debate on this point. He would just have to do it and hope for the best.
He moved his head around and looked into Penny's eyes. She looked into his. There was such an extreme intimacy between them that he knew that she wanted a kiss and he slowly moved his lips forward until they touched hers. She shifted her hand and put it on the back of his neck and they began kissing in earnest. The rest of the evening was a blur. That such happiness in life was possible was something Lorin had never before expected.
While he was at the party he didn't let himself think about his summer at Camp Shoni since every time it started to drift into his thoughts he felt a slight dread. It was the same sort of feeling he had had after stealing Penny's bra. He had been unable to stop himself from taking the bra and the lack of control unnerved himself. What about now? Would his desire to be Lauren eventually cause himself to hurt Penny? Would he have any control over that? It was just not a good time to worry about those kind of things.
At midnight Cindy and Greg left and the party broke up. Lorin was the last to leave. Penny's mom had come down to say goodbye and she said to Lorin, "I'm so glad you were able to come."
"Thank you, I had a marvelous time."
Penny escorted him outside and they waited a few minutes until Lorin's dad came in the car to pick him up. Feeling self-conscious in front of his dad, Lorin only shook Penny's hand instead of kissing her goodbye.
On the way home his dad said, "well how did it go?"
"I think Penny likes me."
"That's great," his dad said enthusiastically.
They rode on in silence and Lorin said, "how do you know if you love some one or not?" In the dark his dad fought against the impulse to break out into laughter. It was one of those moments where he felt a great stab of love for his son.
Carefully he said, "for me it's when you think of something that they do and you smile with the memory."
It was not the answer Lorin was expecting but then his father added, "of course there is infatuation which probably does seem like love and in a way it is. But infatuation is something that can go as fast as it comes. Love is a different story. When you're in love, truly in love it would generally take a very long time to fall out of love."
"Thanks dad. I think I must be in the infatuation stage. But how long until it could turn into the love stage?"
"Well I doubt if the love stage could even start until you know Penny at a very deep level. It certainly can't happen until you learn about all her good points and her bad ones."
"She has to know about my bad points?"
"If you want her to love the real you. Having her love an artificial you would be kind of unsatisfying I think. Don't you think so?"
"Yeah, you're probably right about that."
"I think you're starting to grow up pretty fast now," his dad said.
"I guess so. I guess so," Lorin said, and wondered to himself if his plan to go to Camp Shoni as Lauren was one of his "bad" points that he ought to tell Penny about. Well of course he could never do that, so she would never get to know the real Lorin.
That night until a very late hour Lorin lay in bed thinking. He undoubtedly had an infatuation for Penny. He felt like he wanted to say he loved her, but what his dad said make a lot of sense. Perhaps the weirdest thing about he and Penny was that if this night had only happened before the camp letter had come in January, then he never would have put into action his plan about Camp Shoni. No, definitely not. Yes, his love for the pretty dress was real and so was his desire to be a girl and wear it, but to actually have Penny as his girl friend, to be able to hang out with her and kiss her and get to know everything there is to know about her had to be better, hadn't it?
This sounded all well and good, but there was a truth deep down in there somewhere that if he had to give up his dress for Penny he would feel a huge emptiness inside. He had to also be Lauren. Really, the only solution for him would be to be both Lauren and to have Penny as his girl friend. It was a crazy mixed up idea. He couldn't imagine Penny not being grossed out by seeing him as Lauren.
But then he remembered his conversations with Cindy. She probably already sort of guessed that he wanted to wear bras and it didn't seem to bother her. He also didn't see how she could like a guy like Greg though he wasn't so bad as far as guys go. Maybe if Cindy wasn't friends with Penny, and if Penny and he had not become sort of infatuated with each other then maybe he and Cindy might have become boy and girl friend, and with her who knows? Maybe she would not be bothered with him being Lauren.
These were all very difficult questions and he would find out answers sometime in the future, if he were lucky. For right now, however, he did love Penny in his infatuated way and he couldn't wait to see her again and find out for sure that she felt the same way about him.
The next night there was a phone call for Lorin. When his mom handed him the phone she said, "it's a girl named Joan who says she's from Camp Shoni. Camp Shoni?"
Lorin put his palm over the receiver and thanked his mom and then waited until she walked away. When it seemed like the coast was clear Lorin said "hello" in his Lauren voice.
"Hi Lauren! I'm so excited about camp this summer I've been calling all the bunnies in our cabin!"
"Me too Joan. I can't wait to get to camp!"
It turned out that it was easy to be Lauren. Joan made it simple since she talked and talked so that Lorin didn't have to worry about what to say. At the end of their conversation Joan suggested that the girls in their cabin correspond by instant messenger instead of calling and that that way everyone would be included. Lorin agreed and so he felt relieved that he would only have to explain this one phone call to his mom.
When he got off the phone he went back to his room. A few minutes later his mom knocked on his door and asked him who Joan was. "Oh, she's Owen's sister. He put her up to calling me as a tease. He got on the phone right after her. He's just as angry as I am that we can't be in the upper camp."
"I didn't remember Owen having a sister."
"I thought he said sister. Maybe it was a girlfriend of his."
Lorin wasn't so sure his mother bought his explanation but she said, "I see" and left the room.
Later that night when Lorin went downstairs to get some ice cream, he happened to overhear his mom and dad talking in the living room. He heard his mom say, "I can't quite put my finger on it but there seems to be a lot of sort of weird stuff going on around here. Don't you think?"
"You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing myself."
"Isn't it true? Like the burglary at Ms. McGonagle's, the phone call from Jensen's. One day after school I accidentally walked in on Lorin naked."
Lorin heard his dad laugh.
His mom continued, "don't laugh. He said he had spilled milk on his clothes but I never saw it later in the laundry. There is also the mistake on the camp bill and his grades tumbled. And now tonight there's a girl from Camp Shoni calling him."
"There was?"
"Well Lorin says it was really Owen. Look, I'm not saying that there's something happening here, and if there is I haven't any idea what it could be, but it's just like a bunch of weird things are all happening at once and they all sort of revolve around Lorin. Like I think that's the only common thing linking them."
"Lorin was the burglar?"
"No, but he had been helping Ms. McGonagle earlier that night."
"Maybe we should make a point of being more observant and see if there is something we need to know about. My guess is that these are just random coincidences. The main thing going on in his life right now is that not only does he have an infatuation for Penny but lo and behold she is reciprocating it. It's like a whole new world for Lorin and I imagine he'll be more than a little crazy until he gets used to it."
"I'm so happy for him," his mom said.
Lorin tip-toed back up the stairs and then came loudly running down them to the kitchen to get his ice cream. To put a positive spin on what he had overheard, Lorin figured that it was a good thing that he knew what his parents were thinking. It would help him keep one step ahead of them in the next month or so until camp started. On the other hand, it proved that he had good cause to be terrified that something might go wrong and cause his whole world to come crashing down upon his head.
End Part II
To Be Continued...
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 3
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 3
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 7
Monday morning when Lorin met up with Kenny on his way to school, he could sense that something was different between them, and it did not take long until Kenny blurted out sarcastically, "thanks a lot Lorin!"
"Thanks for what?" Lorin said having a pretty good idea what Kenny was mad about.
"You know damn well. Some friend you are. You go sneaking off to Penny's party without letting me in on it."
"What could I do? It was Penny's party!"
"You could tell her to invite me. You would have if you were my friend."
"I am your friend. It's just, just..." Lorin did not know what to say. It was true he felt guilty about Kenny not being invited, but he also could not see how he had the right to ask Penny to invite him.
"Some friend," Kenny said and he started walking faster so Lorin had to run to keep up. "You don't have to walk with me," Kenny said.
"Kenny!" Lorin shouted, "I was afraid to ask her!" But it was to no avail. Kenny was mad and he kept walking at a ridiculous pace and Lorin finally slowed down and let him go.
It might take a little time, Lorin thought, but he knew Kenny well enough to know that after he calmed down, they would become buddies again. At least he hoped so.
Lorin got his first glimpse of Penny since the party at the beginning of Mr. Oster's class. She turned around to greet him when he came in. "I'm glad you could come to the party," she said.
Lorin said, "I had such a wonderful time."
"Me too," Penny said.
After class, Penny said, "do you want to have lunch?"
"I do," Lorin said, "but..." He stopped suddenly, afraid to tell Penny that he normally ate with Kenny.
"But?"
"Oh, nothing. I'd love to have lunch with you."
"I don't think you're telling me everything," Penny said looking at Lorin inquisitively.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I normally eat with Kenny."
"He can eat with us too. There's usually room."
"That's great, but..."
"Not another but, Lorin?"
"We had sort of a fight this morning."
"What about?"
"It's a misunderstanding. I need to straighten it out with him. I'm embarrassed to tell you."
Penny looked at him with a slight annoyance in her face and he quickly added, "but I'm going to anyway. You see, somehow Kenny heard about your party and that I was there. So he's mad at me for not getting him invited."
"I don't really know Kenny that well."
"I know. I know. It's OK. It's just that we're friends. It's not logical. He'll get over it."
Janice joined them and Lorin couldn't help but notice her smiling as if she had just heard something funny. It was about him, he was sure. "Hi" Lorin said.
"Hey Lorin," Janice said.
Lorin smiled at her and Janice let out a soft laugh.
"What's the joke?" he said.
"You're cute Lorin," Janice said and Penny laughed.
Lorin blushed and to Penny he said, "I'll go look for Kenny."
"Bye," Penny said.
Lorin found Kenny sitting far away from their usual table with some guys that Lorin barely knew.
"What do you want?" Kenny said.
"Kenny. Cut it out. You can eat with me and Penny." Lorin could see Kenny's eyes widen in surprise.
"Bullshit," Kenny said.
"It's no BS. Penny said you are welcome to eat with us." Lorin could see that Kenny was rattled, maybe even scared.
"Maybe tomorrow. I'm already sitting here."
Anxious to join up with Penny, Lorin said, "suit yourself. Don't say I didn't ask." He turned and walked over to the corner of the cafeteria where Penny was. As he approached he saw that a seat had been saved for him next to her and that he would be the only boy among seven girls. Boys usually sat with boys and girls with girls. He wished that Kenny had come with him. He felt overwhelmed by the boldness of his sitting among so many girls. He felt like the whole cafeteria was watching him as he sat down next to Penny and by so doing announce to everyone that he was her boy friend.
"Where's Kenny?" Penny asked.
"He said he'll come tomorrow. Right now he's with some guys."
Lorin knew all the girls at the table. Most of them had been at the party and were in his classes.
"Isn't it brave of Lorin to come sit with the girls," Janice said.
"Why is it brave?" Lorin asked.
"Most guys think they would turn into a girl if they sat with us - like being a girl is a disease."
"I don't think that," Lorin said. "I think being a girl must be a wonderful thing."
The girls stopped what they were doing and looked at him. The sudden attention alarmed him. He saw Penny looking at him also. "It's just that boys are no better than girls. That's all I meant. There's no way to assume one person is better than another."
"But most boys think girls are silly," Laura said. She was a tall girl that Lorin knew from math class.
"That's just because they base their judgment on things boys care about. If boys were judged by things that girls cared about then boys would look silly."
Lorin worried that he wasn't being manly enough by saying this.
"What do girls care about?" Penny said.
"Boys," Janice and Marilyn said at the exact same moment and the girls laughed. Marilyn was also in Lorin's English class.
"Janice!" Penny said and to Lorin she continued, "I want to know what you think girls want, that makes them different than boys."
Lorin strained his mind to come up with an answer. He realized that he had no clue what to say. He was definitely on the other side of the great divide. How could he know what girls wanted? But he had to know. He had to want the same things as girls if he was to fit in at Camp Shoni. Suddenly he said, "girls want to be pretty."
"Boys don't want to be pretty?" Janice said and laughed.
"I mean, don't girls care more about looking nice than guys?" Lorin asked.
"Only because society makes them." Janice said.
"Yeah, its cause of guys that we end up putting on make up and looking for clothes all the time," Marilyn said.
"I think it's more than that," Penny said. "I like just feeling good about myself, and being neat and clean is part of that."
Lorin thought of her coming out of the bathroom after her shower and having done her hair. She had been smiling and looked beautiful and neat like a brand new dollar bill. Crisp.
"Would you like Penny if she was covered with mud?" Janice asked Lorin, taking him from his reverie.
Lorin blushed at the public recognition of his status with Penny. "Sure," he said.
"Say she had ripped up clothes and she was a homeless person," Laura added.
"It wouldn't matter. Her inner beauty would shine through," Lorin said and he turned beet red when he saw Penny smiling at him.
"What a great answer," Penny said. "What else do girls want differently than guys? This is really interesting."
"I think that girls want harmony more than boys, they're less likely to fight over something."
"I wish that were true," Penny said, "but girls just fight differently. They do it with words, with snubs with little things that add up to be a big thing. Aren't I right?"
The other girls chimed in with agreement. "It's nice that boys just fight it out with their fists and get done with it," Laura said. "Girls are so back stabbing."
Lorin wanted to protest. He couldn't image that girls weren't anything but warm and understanding with each other. "Fist fights are not fun," Lorin said, remembering the time he had gotten into a fight with his classmate Steve. He had been scared of Steve for the longest time and when finally Steve had provoked him into a fight, he had found out that they had the same strength and the fight had been declared a draw. After that time, Steve never picked on him again.
"You haven't said the most important thing," Janice said with a smirk. "Girls, most girls, want babies."
"Boys want babies too," Lorin said.
"Do you want to have a baby?" Janice asked him.
Lorin glanced at Penny hoping for a sign as to how he ought to answer the question. He didn't see any and he said, "Sure, one day I would. Who wouldn't want one?"
He once had had a day dream about being a new mother. He had breasts that had swelled up to the size of Dolly Parton's and while he lay in a comfortable chair wearing a pretty robe, he had been holding a little baby and watching as it sucked on his breast.
"Let Lorin eat," Penny said and under the table Lorin felt her leg barely touch his.
He wondered if it was a signal: permission for him to push back against her leg. Everything about Penny was turning out to be a dream come true. But as much as he wanted to be happy about their relationship, he could not shake off the feeling that he was betraying her. In a few weeks, he would be a bunny at Camp Shoni and no doubt Penny would be shell shocked if she knew about it.
While Lorin took out his bag lunch, the girls talked about the party: the different guys they had danced with or met. Lorin gradually felt more comfortable and he looked around at the girls one by one noting what they were wearing and how they did up there hair. Janice and Marilyn began talking about their summer plans and it wasn't long until Penny asked Lorin what he was doing for the summer.
"I'm going away to camp," Lorin said and saw disappointment in her face. "I've been going there every summer for years, since I was a little kid."
"I'll be around part of the summer and then my family is going to the beach for a few weeks," she said.
"I guess we can write," Lorin said and then realized that his mail would be going to Camp Dan where they wouldn't know who he was. His parents would write and he'd never get their letters. The same with Penny and also Kenny if they were still friends. It was even more complicated than that. His name would be recognized at Camp Dan and a whole bunch of mail coming for him there would be bound to raise suspicion. If they connected the dots and realized that there was a Lauren Baxter at Camp Shoni, then Kaboom!, the jig would be up.
Lorin felt Penny's leg press against his even stronger and it was clear that it was something she was doing on purpose. He looked at her eyes and she looked at him. Her eyes had a warmth, even a twinkle about them. She was very pretty and his heart throbbed in his chest and he knew that maybe he was moving past the infatuation phase and heading toward real love for her. How could he not be in love with her?
That evening, Lorin received an instant message alert from Eileen, one of the girls who would be in his cabin at Camp Shoni, and in short order he found himself on line with several of the girls from the camp. At first Lorin responded cautiously, afraid that he would not appear to be sufficiently girlish, but after awhile, he felt more comfortable and found himself eagerly exchanging messages. He told the other girls that he was new to the camp, though he had had a "friend" who had gone to Camp Dan for many years. Most of the other girls were long time campers and they had a lot to say about the boys of Camp Dan. Joan had been there last summer and related how the younger boys had been popping balloons put up for decoration at the cotillion. She said that was why the 13 year old boys from Camp Dan would no longer be allowed to go to the dance.
All this because of a bunch of balloons, Lorin thought to himself. Then he entered the message, "I've got my cotillion dress already bought!"
"What's it look like?" Thalia wrote.
"It's sort of white with some light pink flowers in it. I fell in love with it the moment I first saw it." Lorin's heart was pumping with excitement.
"You're lucky," Thalia answered, "I haven't been able to find any dress pretty enough worthy of being a bunny."
"You're so funny," Eileen added.
"At least your mom is taking you shopping," Joan said.
"I can't wait to see Lauren's dress," Thalia said. The conversation went on like this talking about the cotillion dresses. One of the girls called it "Bunny talk" and they decided that that would be one of their "in" jokes this summer.
At one point Joan said, "I couldn't believe they want us to bring 6 bras. Why so many? I don't even have 6 bras."
"I feel the same way," Thalia said, "two bras are enough. You wear one a week and then wash it and switch to the other bra."
"Me too," Janet said who had just come on line. "I've only been wearing bras for six months and my mom just got me two. Its silly to buy new ones since I'll be a bigger cup size by the fall, at least that's what my mom says."
"What size are you?" Thalia said, "I just got my first A cup bra."
"I've been a 32AA, but I think my bras are just starting to get a little snug."
Lorin felt that he had to be part of the discussion and he said, "I've just started wearing bras. My mom bought me some Playtex bras."
"They have some padding?" Joan said.
Lorin hesitated afraid they would laugh at him. A message appeared from Thalia, "I wish my mom let me get padded bras. I might be an A cup forever."
"Yeah," Lorin said, "they make me look one cup size larger."
"Two cup sizes would be hysterical," Joan said.
"Wow," Janet wrote.
A little while later Ann, Susan and Judy signed on so all eight girls were present. The conversation had shifted to school and Eileen wrote, "I heard in health ed today that girls that live together start getting their period at the same time."
"I've heard that too," Thalia said.
"Me also," Joan said, "they get into sync with each other. I guess we're all having periods, aren't we?"
"I am," Eileen said followed by Janet, Thalia, Judy, Ann and Susan. Lorin was the only one who hadn't written. He stared at the screen in a panic.
"Lauren?" Joan wrote.
"I had to get a snack," Lorin lied, "I had my first period last month; I'm having my second now."
"Poor Lauren," Ann wrote, "I've been having my period for 2 years now, but at the start it was so erratic and really hurt."
"My older sister started late also," Lorin said, "I guess it runs in my family."
"What are you using?" Susan said.
Lorin wasn't sure what to write. He hadn't yet figured out what he should use. Something he put inside himself, or something on the outside? What would be normal? He remembered some of the guys joking about girls needing Kotex and he wrote, "coatex".
"That's a scream!!!!!!!" Susan said. "Coatex!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA" Thalia wrote, followed by Ann, "Oh My God that's funny!"
Lorin couldn't figure out what the joke was. He wrote "it's the same as my sister uses."
"Bizarro!" Janet wrote, "Coatex? Where do you live? It's Kotex here."
"I was making a joke," Lorin said, "of course its Kotex!"
"Tampons or pads?" Janet said.
Lorin wondered if this was a trick question. Before he could answer he saw that Thalia had said, "I've always used Tampax Pearl regulars. My mom is really into tampons. If I'm bleeding heavily I also use Always pantyliners."
He was about to say he also used tampons, when Ann wrote, "I don't like tampons. They've always hurt me and I've been afraid they'd get stuck in me. I use Kotex pads."
"Me too," Eileen said.
Lorin figured that with pads, he could at least pretend to wear them. He had his doubts that he'd be able to find a place to stick a tampon inside himself. "I've started out with pads," Lorin said, "but I think I might try a tampon one day."
"The tampons are so necessary for swimming," Thalia said.
After a few more minutes of banter, a couple of the girls said they had to sign off since it was getting on towards ten o'clock.
"Before everyone leaves," Ann wrote, "we need to post pictures of ourselves. I'm dying to see what you all look like."
"Me too," Joan said. "By next week lets all have pictures of each other and let's also have a "Bunny Talk" once a week at this same time." This too was agreed upon and after a bunch of good bye's, Lorin signed off.
He lay down on his bed exhausted. It had been a great strain pretending to be a girl. Clearly he had a lot to learn. There were so many possible ways he could trip up. And now he had the problem of getting a picture of himself as "Lauren." Yet another headache.
The next afternoon, after school, Lorin paid a visit to his sister's bathroom and discovered that she had both a package of Tampax tampons and a package of Kotex pads. He took one of each and went back to his room. He popped the tampon out of its cardboard tube and examined it in detail. It had a little string which he realized would dangle from the girls so they could fetch it out when they wanted it. Too bad he didn't have his own vagina so he could experience first hand what it felt like. Did the little cord tickle? He had no way of knowing. The pad was another story. He fetched panties from his hiding place, put them on and then put the pad in them. He put on his pants and smiled with the realization that he could spend the rest of the day like that. His mom and dad would never know during dinner that he was wearing a pad. The thought made him feel a bit more connected with womankind.
He next located his dad's digital camera, and took it up to his bedroom to shoot a picture of himself as Lauren. By setting the timer, he took a picture of himself from his face down to his shoulders. When he looked at it in the viewing screen on the camera he was disappointed with what he saw: he looked more like a guy than a girl. He brushed his hair forward so that it hid part of his face and partially closed the blind on the window and tried again. This time the picture was much better, but still not ideal. The problem was that the camera was too close. He'd have to take a longer shot.
From its hiding place, he took out one of his new bras, a top and skirt and put them on. He took a picture from the waist up with his chest thrust out as much as possible. The picture seemed to show a somewhat shy, willowy girl. It will do for the time being he thought to himself. With his hair restyled it would be even better. He noted that his hands hung limply in a girlish gesture. He hadn't even been trying to do that. Clearly he was transforming himself subconsciously into being a girl and he was happy to have that one small victory.
He downloaded the picture to his computer and erased the images from the camera. He sent the picture to the camp girls. After supper, he got back a few messages thanking him for the picture. A couple of the girls mentioned how pretty "she" was. The pictures of the other girls came in one by one also, and he was impressed by how cute they all were. The whole cabin, with the certain exception of himself, would be filled with very attractive young ladies.
Lorin took stock of his camp clothes and made a list of what he was missing. During the next few weeks he made several trips after school to visit the free box behind the fire station and with some luck he was able to complete his wardrobe: a couple of pairs of jeans, a few skirts and tops. The last big thing on the list was makeup and pantyhose, and for this he took the last of his money, approximately 40 dollars and headed to the Fairfield mall on a Saturday morning.
With a list of what he needed in his hand, he walked through a large drug store at the mall gathering the various items into a basket: nail polish and remover, emery boards, a compact with a mirror, brushes and combs, a small box of Kotex pads, eyeliner, shampoo, conditioner and other things. He kept a running total of what the items cost and when this came to a couple of dollars less than what he had, he saw that he had everything except lipstick. A lipstick that he coveted - it had a perfect shade of red - was 8 dollars, money that he didn't have. He went through the things in his basket trying to see what he could get rid of to make room for the lipstick. The couple of things that he could spare only added up to a dollar or two.
He stood in front of the lipstick section for a few minutes thinking and then flipped the lipstick into his pant pocket certain that no one had seen him. He walked toward the front of the store and was relieved to see that there were two cashiers, one of which was busy with a customer. He went to the free one which was manned by a middle aged woman who looked utterly bored with her job. She rang up the stuff, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Lorin was a boy and everything he was buying was for girls. The total with tax came to $39.87 and after paying Lorin was given 13 cents change.
As Lorin stepped outside the store, a burly man with a shaved head came up to him and told him to come with him back into the store.
"What for?" Lorin said.
"Come with me," the man said. A man standing outside looked at Lorin with an open smirk.
"Why?" Lorin said.
"I have reason to believe that you stole something."
"But I paid for all this!"
"OK, then when I take you inside and you empty your pockets we won't find anything?"
"All right, all right," Lorin said and went back into the store.
The store guard led him to a back room and had him sit down at a desk. Lorin put the lipstick on the table.
"Lipstick?" the man said.
Lorin hung his head and began to cry. The guard opened up the bag and looked inside. "Kotex, makeup?"
"They're for my sister," Lorin half heartedly tried to lie through his tears.
"I need your parents to come get you."
Lorin imagined his parent's reaction to the call. Shoplifting lipstick, buying Kotex. Everything would unravel and he would be shamed. Lorin bawled hysterically. This would be the end of everything. Penny would find out, his life would be over.
"Your crying won't do you any good. The sooner you give me the number of someone, the sooner you'll get out of here."
"Can my older sister get me?" Lorin said. It was a sudden inspiration. He remembered how Beth, the saleslady who sold him his dress and bras had looked at him with concern and handed him her business card. She had offered to help him. It was the only hope he had.
"It's supposed to be your parents."
"They're off playing golf," Lorin lied. In fact, they were at home dealing with a house painter they had contracted to paint the exterior.
The guard stared at Lorin a minute while he tried to look as pathetic as possible in the hope he might get some sympathy. "All right," the man finally said, "how old is she?"
"She's a lot older than me, she's 24," Lorin said guessing Beth's age.
"Give me her number."
Lorin fished the card from his wallet. "It's her business card," he told the guard and read off the phone number that she had written on the back. The guard dialed the number and Lorin prayed that Beth would answer.
After a couple of rings, the guard said, "hello ma'am is this Beth?"
Lorin watched the guard as he listened.
"Good. I've got your brother..." He covered the phone and asked Lorin his name.
"Lorin Baxter," Lorin said.
"Lorin Baxter. I caught him shop... Lorin Baxter, is he you're younger brother?"
There was a pause and then the guard said, "yeah, he shoplifted lipstick."
"Yeah, he says he was buying it for you. Anyway, we don't tolerate this shit here. You'll have to come get him, or I'll call the police and press charges. He'll be banned from the store for twelve months regardless."
Lorin heard the guard give the address of the store and then hung up. "She'll be here in 15 minutes. You're lucky. I've had many kids where the parents tell me to go to hell and don't come. The police put them in juvenile detention over night."
"I've never stolen anything in my life," Lorin said, "it's just I ran out of money and I had to get the lipstick." He began crying again. The guard looked at him and shook his head.
Lorin rode in silence with Beth back toward her place. Finally he said, "I'll pay you the eight dollars as soon as I get my next allowance." By the time he had gotten to the end of the sentence he was whimpering.
"I don't know what makes me more upset," Beth said, "your shoplifting or your buying lipstick, and Kotex. What in the world are you going to do with Kotex and all that other girl stuff?"
"I'm not a terrible person," Lorin said.
"I know that Lorin," Beth said and then after a minute, "but you owe me an explanation. I saved your neck. Now you're going to let me in on what you're doing." Beth looked at him and said, "there is some Kleenex in my purse. Take one and fix yourself up."
"Are you going to tell anybody about this?" Lorin said.
"It depends on if you tell me the whole truth, and also that you promise to never shoplift again."
"I won't, I promise," Lorin said as he gingerly opened up her purse and felt around for tissues. There were many vials of makeup and other unfamiliar things in the purse. It must nice to have one's own purse. He would have to get one also, and learn how to use it.
"I'll tell you everything. You've been way too nice to me already. I just hope that you don't get mad when I tell you."
"Mad about what?"
Lorin hesitated and Beth said, "we're almost home. Let's get comfortable and you can tell me what it is you're doing. Do you drink coffee? or tea?"
"No."
"Hot chocolate?"
"Sure, thanks."
They parked in front of a small apartment building and Lorin followed her to a top floor apartment that overlooked the street and had a small balcony. Beth ushered Lorin outside to sit in one of two reclining chairs as she fetched the drinks. In a few minutes she came back and said, "OK. I'm all ears."
Lorin stared at her. She was wearing jeans and a tee shirt and it was a bit strange to see her so informal compared to the dresses she wore at the store. "What do you want to know?"
"Tell me everything. Start at the beginning. Why buy a prom dress?"
"I'm scared to say. You're going to laugh at me and tell me I'm sick. I know I'm sick. I just don't know what to do about it, except what I'm doing."
"What is it you're doing," Beth said. "Tell me right now."
"I'm going to be a girl this summer. At camp. At a girl's camp."
Lorin watched as Beth shook her head back and forth in disbelief. "You're going to be a girl this summer? At a girl's camp? Just like that? You won't get caught? Are you crazy?"
"It's the sister camp to the one I've always gone to," and Lorin told her the story of the change in the upper camp and how he had gotten himself accepted to Camp Shoni. "So I've been buying clothes and things to get ready."
"So you think that a camp full of girls and women won't have any clue that you're actually a boy. All you have to do is dress like a girl and then you're magically a girl?"
Hurt and frightened Lorin said, "I know it's not easy, but I've been studying lots of things about girls. I think I can talk like a girl and I think that I look like a girl, well except for my hair style and I have a plan to change that on my way to camp. I'm also trying to think like a girl."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Lorin, but there's too much about you that's boyish for you to pass as a girl."
Lorin started to cry.
"Don't cry," Beth said and Lorin cried harder. "That's one thing you do like a girl," Beth said with irony and got up and gave the whole box of tissues to Lorin. She stood over him, "I didn't mean to make you cry. I like you Lorin or I wouldn't have helped you today. It's just that I wouldn't be doing you any good if I didn't say what I think is the truth."
"I'm evil," Lorin said.
"Don't be harsh on yourself. I don't think you're anything more than a young kid who's got a lot to work out for himself. You can't expect to have all the answers so soon. Actually, I think you're very brave for trying to do what you're doing, though I have to admit that I think that you were not hard enough on yourself thinking about whether or not the risk was worth the benefit. I mean you're walking a tightrope. You have to have known that. One slip and there are victims - besides yourself, they would be your mom and dad, the people at the camp. It's not just about your desires and needs."
Lorin blew his nose and then blew it again. "What should I do? I have to be in a camp this summer or else my mom and dad can't take their big trip to Asia."
"Can you tell them the truth?"
"If I tell them what I've been doing, isn't that just as bad as if I had gone to Camp Shoni and then been discovered?"
Beth sat down again, crossed her legs, closed her eyes and put her hand up to her forehead as if she were thinking deeply. Lorin waited for her to answer his question. Finally she said, "look, you do have a point. A guaranteed hurt to your parents vs. a possible hurt to your parents. Which is worse?"
"I don't know," Lorin said.
"The answer to this question lies in whether or not it's possible that you can have a greater than zero chance of being a convincing girl at camp. If you can, then I can see that you need to take the risk. On the other hand, if you can't pull it off, then you shouldn't even try."
"But you said that I have no chance."
"Right now, yes. But maybe I could help you be a girl. Teach you some things. Get you just to the point where it may be OK. I don't know if it's possible. You've got so many years of being a boy that you would have to unlearn. It would take a lot of practice and hard work."
Lorin started sobbing and got up and threw himself on Beth and hugged her. "Would you do that for me? Would you help me be a girl?"
"I think I could get in big trouble for doing this. You're a minor you know. But nothing we're going to do will be sexual. I'll merely critique you and give you advice and things to do to, but it's totally in the role of supplying information. It will be as if we were coin collectors and I told you about how to find and evaluate coins."
"Of course," Lorin said moving back away from her. "I understand about that. I will never even say I know who you are."
Beth laughed. "Don't be dramatic. I trust you Lorin. It's as simple as that."
"And I trust you," Lorin said.
"Do you want some more hot chocolate?" Beth asked.
"Sure," Lorin said. "Can we begin now?"
"OK. Give me a minute to think about what to do. I've never done this kind of thing before." Beth went to the kitchen and Lorin blew his nose again. When Beth came back she gave him the drink and said, "we'll have to work on your appearance, your make up and clothes, your movements like how you walk, run, get dressed and how you talk, what you say and how you say it. I 'm sure there are things I'm forgetting. What do you want to start with?"
"I don't know."
"Let me look at you walk across the room and sit on the sofa."
Lorin got up and did as she said. "No," Beth said, "your walk is too hurried and you sit without hesitation. It's hard to describe how girls walk and sit, but it's more tentative shall I say. More conscious of being graceful. Keep your thighs closer together, girls walk more protectively of their private area. When you sit, imagine that you're getting your butt perfectly aligned over the seat and you sit slowly, bending your legs. Imagine you have a skirt or dress on and your instinct is to make sure the skirt is folded neatly under you."
Lorin tried it again. "Better. A big problem is your hands. They need to be soft and fluid. Delicate. Imagine you have long pretty finger nails that you don't want to break at any cost. It makes your hands sort of float delicately and when they touch something it's slowly and caressingly."
Lorin tried walking and sitting several more times. Beth watched him carefully, then went to her bedroom and came back with a large blue skirt with an elastic waist band. "Put this on, over your pants" she said and when Lorin reached to take it she quickly added, "and reach for it like a girl. Put it on like a girl. There's no rush. Think that it will make you feel pretty, that should help."
Lorin practiced walking and sitting with the skirt. Beth showed him how to gently make sure with his hands that the skirt was even when he sat. "How am I doing?" Lorin asked.
"You have some talent, but you have much more unlearning to do of boy type movements. I have an idea," Beth said and took a large picture book down from a shelf and sat down next to Lorin. The book consisted of sharp color pictures of ballerinas in exquisite costumes. "Here, look at Amanda McKerrow in Giselle." Lorin gazed upon a beautiful dancer en pointe in a wonderful full skirt. "And here is Susan Farrell in Swan Lake. Look at the delicacy and softness of her posture and the certainty of her own femininity. You have to feel that prettiness inside. See how the skirt of the tutu is an extension of her femaleness."
"She seems so frail and weak," Lorin said, "how can I ever be like that?"
"But she's not really," Beth said, "she's a powerful athlete, but she doesn't use it like a man - hit you over the head with it. Do you sort of get the picture, what I'm trying to express?"
"I think so," Lorin said. "I have to use my strength to help me appear weak."
"That's a pretty good way of saying it. You see it rules out being a sissy, you know like a caricature of a girl, where you flap your hands like you're ever so precious."
"It seems impossible to get this all right," Lorin said dejectedly.
"That's what I told you before. But you have made a bit of progress even in this hour, so I think that anything is possible. It's going to depend on how driven you are."
"I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me today."
"It's actually kind of fun. I feel a bit like Professor Higgins and you're Eliza Doolittle. Anyway, its getting late and you ought to be going. Practice everything I mentioned and come again next week."
"Could you show me how to put on pantyhose and a bra the way a girl would? And also a dress. I don't even know how to put on my cotillion dress."
"You'll have to bring them here."
"I'll try and do that," Lorin said and gathered up his things and said goodbye.
Over the next few weeks, Lorin ice skated with Penny at the town rink, went to a couple of movies with her, held her hand and even "made out" with her in the back of the movie theatre. He wondered the whole time if it would be appropriate to place his hand on her breast. To feel a breast in his bare hand, to feel it lying inside her bra, to feel Penny's warm bra as it nestled across her chest. He desperately wanted to do it, but was frozen in fear lest he go too far.
Interspersed with his times with Penny were several trips to Beth where she taught him techniques for putting on a bra and pantyhose. She showed him how to put on lipstick and eyeliner and eye shadow and rouge. Under her guidance he learned to brush his hair like a girl would, and set it up with rollers or barrettes. He learnt how slips go on and when a slip was necessary or not. Beth made him know what to look for when he looked in a mirror. She taught him how to be patient and to plan his movements.
She was an excellent teacher and he felt that he was becoming almost like a girl friend of hers as he absorbed more and more of what she taught him. The more he learned, the more feminine he felt and the better he learned, so his progress accelerated dramatically over the few weeks. He especially loved the freedom her small apartment gave him to just let down his hair so to speak and be a girl, or try to be a girl. From the moment he would enter he would slow his steps reach for things gently and carefully. His voice would soften and shift octave to more of a girls tone.
He had brought his cotillion dress, a bra, panties, a slip and some pantyhose to Beth's apartment and she didn't mind if he stored them there. Each time he came he would rush into her bedroom and don his "costume" as Beth described it. Undoubtedly, the mere act of wearing the pretty dress made him feel more feminine and so his lessons went better. On more than one occasion while on a date with Penny, he would think of himself in his dress and then feel terribly guilty. But inevitably, he would also wish that he could be Penny's girl friend, if that were possible. Would she mind if her boy friend was a girl?
With just two weeks before he would leave for camp, Beth said to Lorin, "your progress is really quite extraordinary. I think you might be passable, just passable as a girl. Or enough of a girl to suppress suspicion. A lot will depend on your hairstyle. Your movements have become feminine without being overly done and your voice, though a bit husky, is kind of girlish. You've gotten the hang of make up. Of course we haven't touched upon things like swimming like a girl, or catching a ball like a girl and I don't what you'll do at the dances. Do you know how to dance like a girl?"
"No," Lorin said with worry.
"Let's make this the last thing I teach you. I'll lead and you follow." Beth put on some slow music and came up to Lorin and held him firmly as if she were a boy leading him in a dance. It was the first time Beth had touched him and he delighted in the sensation. He had become very fond of her, not in the same was as with Penny, but nevertheless he was undoubtedly in love with her. In a future life maybe he would be her girl friend, or little sister. He hoped there would be some roles that they could play in each others lives in the future.
They danced together and Beth softly whispered instructions in his ear on how to follow her directions communicated through slight guiding movements of her arms. "I daresay that the boys you'll be dancing with won't be very good, so anything you do will probably be OK."
"Thanks, Beth, you've been so wonderful to me. I can never repay you." A few tears started coming down his cheek.
"I must admit its been a fun experience for me. You're a very special person Lorin. But I'm going to be very worried about you this summer. I want to believe that you're going to make it, but I don't honestly know. It's a very difficult thing not to have a slip up."
"Had I not had these lessons, I would have had no chance. I see that now. I can't believe how naive I was that I didn't see that before."
Beth gave Lorin a hug and told him he better go. "I'll be away for parts of the summer myself. I'm going to Europe for a few weeks. You will really be totally on your own at Camp Shoni."
Lorin could see some tears forming in Beth's eyes.
"And regardless of what happens at the camp, you're going to have to deal with yourself in the fall," Beth said.
"I know," Lorin said. It was, in fact, something he had thought about a lot. If he blossomed as Lauren this summer, how would he ever become Lorin again in the fall? How would he ever just resume his relationship with Penny?
Lorin took off his dress and underwear and put back on his jeans and shirt. He put his things in his backpack and said a last farewell to Beth and started back for home. He felt like his one life line to someone who would not condemn him was severed and he fought hard not to cry. By the time he got home, he felt more confident. Beth thought he could pass as a girl and she wouldn't say that if she didn't believe it. Two weeks to go to blast off and he decided that he was as ready as he ever was going to be.
Chapter 8
It would not be an exaggeration to say that Lorin went through the last weeks before he was to leave for camp in "auto-pilot" with his body accomplishing everything it had to, but his mind being a million miles away worrying, agonizing and dreading the upcoming plunge into the unknown. At odd moments throughout the day, regardless of where he was, or whom he was with he would find himself in a state of abject horror at the reality of what was about to unfold. Perhaps it was like a performer about to walk out on stage in front of 50,000 people. Only in his case, he would get onto a bus to Poughkeepsie, change to the camp bus and end up smack in the middle of hundreds of girls at Camp Shoni. It seemed absolutely impossible that not one girl among so many would be suspicious about who he was. Beth had had the right instinct. He couldn't help but make the comparison to Camp Dan in the situation that a girl tried to infiltrate pretending she was a boy. It would probably take just two seconds for the guys to figure out the deception. It must be the same for girls and even more so. Like a condemned man facing the gallows, Lorin would be caught, humiliated and then roasted alive by his parents.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, there was no alternative except to going ahead with the plan. Confessing to his parents and taking whatever consequence ensued would be a worse thing to do, since, like he had said to Beth, he might end up being lucky. People did win the lottery after all, didn't they? Whether he got caught now or later his life as he knew it would be just as much over. He had to take the path that had a tiny hope of success in it as against the path with no hope at all. He would stay the course.
Lorin and Kenny had made up to the point where Kenny had gotten an intro into Penny's circle of friends. Kenny had confided to Lorin that he had set his sights on a couple of the girls and might even try calling them up that summer. Lorin hoped he would succeed. A particularly onerous task during Lorin's final week before camp was shopping with his mom for the camp things that she thought he would need but Lorin knew he would not need. She asked his opinion on everything and with great effort he attempted to sound appreciative and excited. The money being spent on his behalf only fed into his guilt. The events during this week that grabbed his full attention were the times that he was with Penny. He saw her for a part of every day and it was clear to both of them that they were getting ever closer emotionally and physically.
Despite the distraction of his worry and paranoia, Lorin carefully went over and over his detailed preparations - his "war plan" for the big day. His mom had already gotten him his bus ticket. He had insisted that she get him one for an early bus even though it meant an extra hour layover in Poughkeepsie until the camp bus came. It had not been easy convincing her. She had thought him crazy, but he said he didn't want to cut it too close in case his bus was late. "But two hours instead of one hour?" his mom has said with exasperation. Luckily she had caved in to his wishes and he had gotten the bus he wanted.
It was a key to his plan. He would have two hours to take care of the one thing he couldn't do before he left: restyle his hair into a girl's hairdo. In fact, through an endless sequence of improvised blunders he had successfully avoided getting his typical pre-camp haircut. Every day closer and closer it had gotten to camp, the more his mom and then both his mom and dad had tried to get him to get his hair cut. His hair was now easily a girl's length, longer than it had ever been before. Kenny had begun joking to him that he was looking like a girl and even Penny had asked him if he ever was going to get his hair cut again.
Lorin lied to his parents that Penny preferred him in long hair and he lied to Penny that he would get a very short haircut the day before he left. His mom left him money to go to the barber and Lorin purposefully left it on the table and pretended he had forgotten to take it. On other occasions he had made up lies wherein Penny needed his help or Kenny's family wanted to take him bowling or other crazy reasons. When there was only one more possible time left to get his hair cut - the morning of the day before his departure - Lorin's dad ordered him into the car and said that he was personally taking him to get a haircut. Not only would it be cut, his dad insisted, it would be short enough to last the entire summer. Lorin fought back tears the entire way into town, but when they arrived at the barber shop there was a sign in the window saying: "Closed on Account of a Death in the Family. Will Reopen Tomorrow." Lorin's dad had stood staring at the door a good five minutes cursing under his breath, while Lorin quietly looked up at the sky and thanked God a hundred times for his kindness.
"Dad. Like I've been saying. There's a barber that comes to the camp every week. It's no big deal. He'll cut my hair."
His dad stared at him and pronounced that they would go to the beauty parlor where his mom usually went. When they arrived there, however, the hairstylist said that the only opening was late in the afternoon.
"We can't go back," his dad said, "can't you do it now?"
"I'm sorry. We're just booked solid."
Fuming, his dad stormed out of the shop and they drove home. Icily, his dad said, "So help me God Lorin! You're going to get the first haircut at camp. I'm going to call to make sure you get it!!"
"Don't worry dad, I'll get it done!" Lorin said with both inward joy and a quaking fear. Would his dad really call from China to find out if he had had his hair cut? It was possible, but it was a darn sight less of a problem than the one he would have if he showed up at Camp Shoni in short hair!
When they got back home, Lorin's mom volunteered to find a shop somewhere that would cut his hair that afternoon, but his dad reminded her that there simply was no time. Besides, Lorin was going to get it cut at camp, come hell or high water!
"I'm disappointed in you Lorin," his mom said.
"I'm sorry mom, I really did forget to get it done."
"I'm not sure I trust you on that. I think you've got some other motive here. I just don't know what it is. To tell you the truth, there are a lot of sort of strange things going on with you."
"You know, I never dated a girl..."
"Things that can't be explained by you dating Penny!"
"I'm sorry mom. There is nothing going on at all!"
"I think it dates from the day you found out you wouldn't be in the upper camp. I hope you don't do anything at camp that would embarrass the family!"
"Of course not!"
"You haven't gotten a false ID card to prove you're 14?"
Lorin forced himself to laugh. "How could I get them to change my age! That's ridiculous. Look Mom, there is no reason not to fully trust me. I've resigned myself to having a good time at Camp Dan and I will obey all the rules and you have nothing to worry about. I promise you on a stack of bibles!"
His mom looked at him a minute and then gave him a hug. "Teenagers. They are the most incomprehensible species on the planet. But I do love them anyway!"
Lorin had used the web to get the names of hair salons in Poughkeepsie, especially ones near the bus terminal. Certainly one of these must be willing to "turn him into a girl" he figured, it was just a matter of finding out which one. Using a pay phone and pile of quarters that he had saved, Lorin called one named "Maria's Hair Salon" to see what would happen if he were to ask them directly if they had a problem cutting a boys hair to look like a girls.
A woman answered and Lorin said, "I need to get my hair styled, but actually I sort of need to have it turned into a girls style."
There was total silence on the end of the line until finally the woman said, "is this a prank?"
"No, no, no," Lorin said, "I just want to know if you have any problem doing that."
"Yes, I do," the woman said. "We're a family business here.
"Can you tell me who would?"
The woman hung up on him. Lorin tried another place and when a man answered the phone Lorin hung up. He tried yet another and this time a woman with a thick Asian accent answered. Lorin had a hard time communicating with her but finally he got the idea that she thought he needed a unisex salon. Examining the list of stores Lorin saw that one of them had the name "Samantha's Unisex Salon" and it looked to be in easy walking distance of the bus station.
A woman answered the phone saying, "Samantha."
Lorin said, "Hi, I need to get my hair cut."
"When?"
"Oh, this Saturday at 11 in the morning?" That would be a half hour after his bus was due to arrive.
"I can do you at 4."
"Oh no, it has to be no later than 12. I catch a bus at 1."
"Let me see. What do you need done?"
"Just a haircut. Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that. I need to change my hair style. You do that don't you?"
Samantha laughed and said, "I like to think we can. I mean we are a hair salon, not a butcher shop."
"Sorry," Lorin said, "it's actually that I need to get a haircut so I can look like a girl." Saying that, Lorin felt the air rush out of his lungs and his heart pounded intensely in his chest.
"Why in the world would you be doing that?"
"Its way complicated. It's for a part in a play," Lorin lied, "I mean I'm going to audition for it."
"Okay, okay. No problem. You be here at noon and I'll do it during lunch. What's the name?"
"Lorin."
"Phone?"
Lorin looked at the number in the phone booth and gave it to her.
"Where's that?"
"I'm moving to Poughkeepsie for the summer, I don't have a number there just yet. I promise I'll be there and I'll give a really big tip."
Samantha laughed. "Okay. Bye. You're too much."
Lorin caught his breath. This was all going better than he should expect. Surely something was going to go wrong. He had to be really on his toes.
After he had hung up, Lorin thought about Samantha's voice. She sounded like his mom and guessed that she would be kindly toward him. Perhaps like Beth if he was really lucky. It was a big relief that this was all set. He would arrive in Poughkeepsie, check his luggage at the bus station at a location in the terminal which he found on the station website and then find his way to Samantha's. Thus all was now in place except for the "big switcheroo" which is how Lorin referred to the time when he would switch all his boys' clothes with his girls' clothes. He had a mental picture of how it would unfold. His trunk, which his mom had already placed in his bedroom, was steadily filling up with his boy clothes as his mom went systematically through the camp list. A few things would wait until the last minute and then she would have him close the lid and he and his Dad would carry the trunk downstairs and out the door and into the car.
A big danger was that he would get interrupted in the few minutes he would have to do the switching before his mom told his dad it was time to carry the trunk to the car. More likely, however, was the possibility that his mom would have forgotten something and would need to open the trunk again after he had locked it. To defend against the latter, he would keep some boys clothes on the shelf that fit into the top of the trunk. Until the trunk was safely stowed in the cargo bay of the bus to Poughkeepsie, he would be a nervous wreck.
The last bit of his plan was the one that gave him the most excitement and happiness. He would have with him his small back pack containing his first ever outfit as Lauren. There would be a bra, panties, his girl's shorts and the pink Camp Shoni tee shirt. He had given a lot of thought as to which bra he would wear and had decided it would be one of the new padded bras. Like superman he would rush to find a private place, perhaps the bathroom at the bus terminal to switch his clothes. He wondered what would be worse: leaving the boys bathroom dressed like a girl, or entering the girls bathroom as a boy. Neither one seemed like a good idea. Maybe he would find an alley somewhere. But after it was done, wherever that happened, he would be Lauren. The next step, of climbing on board the bus bound for Camp Shoni, was beyond his imagination to conceive.
The hardest part of going was saying good bye to Penny. Their friendship had grown to the point where he was no longer worried about saying the right thing or presenting himself in the best possible light at all times. She liked him. She liked being with him. It was easy being together. They had fun, they laughed, they played and they touched each other. Of course, there was a big part of Lorin she knew nothing about, nor could he confide in her about it. Had he known Penny before he had enacted his plan to go to Camp Shoni then he surely would never have done it. On the other hand, the part of him that wanted to be Lauren was powerful, it was not simply going to go away because he loved Penny. Ultimately it was probably best that now that he had discovered Penny, he would have an equal chance to discover Lauren. By the end of the summer, he would then know which way he would want to go for the rest of his life.
The day before he was to leave, he saw Penny for the last time. It was after his dad had returned in frustration from trying to get Lorin's hair cut. Penny and he walked together hand in hand to the park and then to a spot near the top of a beautiful sloping meadow that Penny knew about. They lay down in the grass next to each other and Lorin looked out into the distance across to a forest that began at the bottom of the hillside and ran up to the top of an adjacent hill. They kissed each other and held each other and they told each other how much they loved each other. Yes, the "L" word had come out a few weeks earlier. Penny had said it first and Lorin had rushed to say it also. It had been so obvious it was more of an after thought than a necessity to say it, but it had felt wonderful to Lorin's and Penny's ears. It's nice to hear someone say that they love you. For Lorin it was the ultimate validation of his self worth.
Looking at Lorin, Penny had said, "your hair is so long. I think I may be starting to like it like this."
"Really?"
"I think so, but you know it does start making you look a little girlish."
Lorin glanced at her suddenly.
"I hope I'm not hurting your feelings."
"No. Of course not. I'm going to get it cut. I don't know why, but I just didn't feel like doing it. Maybe because it's the hair I had when I started seeing you."
Penny laughed and Lorin joined her. "That's so beyond ridiculous," she said, "but probably why I love you."
Lorin blushed. "I don't intend to look girlish. I guess I better get it cut the first thing at camp. Some of the guys can be pretty tough, especially if they think a guy is the slightest bit you know - like a fruitcake."
"I'm not surprised," Penny said. "The guys I used to go out with before you were always making jokes about fags. To be honest, I didn't know that any boys didn't think that way."
"You're not concerned that I'm not tough enough?"
"There's tough and there's tough. I don't think I would like swishy in a guy, but not being a caveman? No problem, in fact, I think it's great, it brings us closer together. Let's face it, I've dated a guy who was a freshman on the high school football team. All he wanted to do was make out and he had nothing to say."
They embraced and lay facing each other looking into each others eyes. Wisps of Penny's hair fell across her eye blown from a breeze of hot air running up the slope past them and Lorin gently pushed it aside. It was perfect. It was too perfect. Would they be together in the fall? And if they weren't would it be because of what he was about to do at Camp Shoni?
Lorin thought about what Penny had said. She didn't want a caveman and she didn't want swishy, but he wasn't at all swishy. Girls weren't swishy. The guilt he felt at what he was about to do felt like a hot poker inside himself. Perhaps looking for a release he said, "I worry sometimes that I want to emulate girls."
Penny's face scrunched up slightly and then relaxed. "Emulate them how? Having a baby?"
Lorin laughed. "I never thought of that, but that would be cool. No, I mean, it's hard to say. I mean if I like a certain guy, like Bob Dylan for example and I then tried to imitate him that would be OK I guess. But I like you for example, so logically it seems like I should want to emulate you also."
"I see what you're saying. You could want to have qualities of a certain girl, let's say she never lied or anything, or was a good student. But if you imitated Bob Dylan by wearing his kind of boots, then I don't think that kind of imitation would also make sense if the person you emulated was a girl. Like do you want to dress like Joan Baez or something? Do you want to wear my clothes?"
Lorin let out a gasp of air and recoiled in fear until he heard Penny laughing uproariously. "Oh, you're so funny. Man did you jump! I must have really hit a nerve!"
Lorin playfully climbed on top of Penny in a mock wrestling match. "As I always say, love the girl, love her clothes."
Penny laughed. "I'm going to miss you terribly this summer. Let's switch shirts so we have something to remember each other by."
"Really?" Lorin said.
"Yes! I think my blouse will fit you and your shirt will fit me."
Lorin impulsively took off his shirt, a red tee shirt with the logo of a country western night club that his parents often went to, it was one of his favorites. Penny's blouse was a kind of salmon color with a collar and a few buttons that ended just at the top of her cleavage. "You can't take your shirt off!" Lorin said, "we're outside."
Penny looked around quickly. There were a couple of guys playing Frisbee near the bottom of the meadow. "They're not looking," Penny said, and while lying on the grass she pulled her top off revealing her bra. They exchanged shirts and Lorin watched Penny put his tee shirt on. When the show was over, he put her blouse on over his head and pulled it down. It fit him well enough though it was just the slightest bit tight.
They admired the way each other looked. "You look beautiful in my shirt," Lorin said. The image of her white bra against her pale skin and her young breasts swelling inside was emblazoned in his memory forever.
"And you look so pretty," Penny laughed.
It was a magical moment Lorin thought. He sensed Penny's essence in the blouse, the slight dampness of her sweat and a kind of faint feminine smell. "Do I look like a girl in this shirt?" Lorin asked.
"I'll say," Penny said. "You're my girlfriend and I'm your boy friend!"
Lorin looked at her trying to see if there might be any truth whatsoever to what she was saying. Was it all a joke? Or just maybe she liked the idea of their switching roles. He was tempted to go further, to say something like: "but you're wearing the bra," but he didn't. It seemed like an enormous risk. It could backfire. Instead he hugged her and lay on her again and they took a long soulful kiss.
When the sun seemed like it was beginning to head down, they walked back to Penny's house where his mom was expecting them for dinner. Lorin already had permission from his mom to stay. Penny's mom laughed good-naturedly when she saw that they had switched shirts, and said "how romantic you two are." Lorin enjoyed eating with Penny's family - her parent's weren't quite as serious or formal as his own. When it was over Lorin and Penny spent another hour in her room mostly kissing and saying their goodbyes and making promises to each other such as that they would write every week without fail.
Lorin's dad picked him up at 8:30 and on the drive back Lorin couldn't stop himself from crying.
"You've done a lot of growing up this spring, Lorin," his dad said. "I'm proud of you."
"Thanks dad. It's so hard to see how I can get through two months without seeing Penny."
"True. A lot can happen in two months. But the way I always think about these things is that if they are meant to be they will happen."
"But she'll probably meet other guys this summer and she'll have all day everyday to hang out with them."
"True, but if she forms a better couple with you than she does with the others, then she'll know it and you'll get back together."
"But she might meet someone better than me."
"That's always the risk, but if she does, then it was never meant for you two to be together more than you have been. That's exactly my point."
"I think I see what you're saying."
"When you're older it will make even more sense to you."
When they got home, his mom quizzed him about the shirt that his father hadn't even noticed. He told her the truth and, while his mom didn't seem enthusiastic about the trade, she didn't criticize him for it either.
The next morning was the big day, the day Lorin had been both dreading and hoping for since he first hatched his plan. It was a gray day, with a slight drizzle and unseasonably cold. An auspicious start to his final countdown. Memories of Penny flooded his mind and he felt his heart ache with longing for her. He had her shirt and he would wear it often during the summer.
His parents would be taking him to the bus station at 10:00 AM to catch the 10:15 bus. It was now 7:00 AM. The trunk filled with his boy's clothes awaited the big switcheroo. For safety sake he wouldn't switch the clothes until 9:30 or even a bit later. He went downstairs for breakfast where he encountered both his Mom and Dad and Stephanie. They had a very big day themselves, since their plane to Japan left that evening.
"I'm doing one last wash before you go. Anything to go in?" his mom said.
"No, I already put everything in the hamper."
"You're not taking Penny's blouse with you, are you?"
"I can't? Why not? That's why she gave it to me?"
"You're not going to wear a girls' blouse at camp, are you?"
"Well, I won't wear it, but it's sort of a way to remember her."
"It's all right," Lorin's dad intervened. "It's easy for us to forget how emotional young love can be."
"Shall I wash it then?" his mom asked.
Washing would take out Penny's scent and Lorin said, "no, it's fine. It doesn't need washing."
Lorin's mom looked at him as if she would say something and then thought the better of it. After breakfast, Lorin closed the door to his room. It was time to enact the first part of his plan. Since it would be too time consuming to shuttle clothes back and forth between the hiding place in the bathroom and the trunk in his bedroom, he had decided he would stage all his girls' things under his bed so the switch could be made that much more rapidly. He could also select the bra, panties and other clothes that he needed to switch into after his haircut in Poughkeepsie.
He went into the bathroom, opened the panel and took out his precious clothes and put them under the bed. There was a bag of his bras and one of his panties, another for his swim suits and shorts and tops and one holding his crinoline. And then the most important bag of all was his dress. He prayed that it wouldn't be ruined lying at the bottom of his trunk. The other girls probably would bring their dresses in garment bags, and he worried what they would think about the way he had packed his dress.
When he was done with his preparation, he showered and then put the last of his boy things in the trunk that his mother expected to find there and then went downstairs to see how the laundry was coming. As soon as his clothes were dried and folded, he'd be there to carry them up and do the switch.
The clothes had completed their wash and his mother was in the act of putting them into the dryer when he appeared. "Excited about camp?" his mom asked.
"Yeah, but I guess I'm still more thinking about not seeing Penny."
"I know, your dad told me you were crying last night. That's so touching. She must be a very special person."
"She is. We have so much fun together. I feel like I can be myself with her."
His mom smiled at him. "I'm sure everything will work out in the fall. It's hard to meet a nice person and that should mean a lot for keeping it going in the future."
"I sure hope so," Lorin said.
Among the items in the laundry were Camp Dan tee shirts from past years and as his mom put them into the drier she said, "I've been wondering why you never got a Camp Dan tee shirt in the mail. Every year they always send one. Did it come and you didn't tell me?"
"No, mom. I was wondering the same thing," he lied. His mom would definitely not want to see the pretty pink tee shirt he got from Camp Shoni.
"I want you to complain about that when you arrive. They should give you a free shirt."
"OK, mom, I'll ask for one."
"Don't forget."
"I won't."
An hour later, it was 9:30 and the wash was done. Lorin anxiously sat in his bedroom. When his mom came in with the pile of laundry he rushed to take it from her. "I'll put it in the trunk," he said.
"We've got to go. I'll get your dad to help you carry the trunk downstairs."
Oh shit! Lorin thought to himself. This is going way too fast! The moment his mom left he raised the lid of the trunk, lifted out the top shelf in it, and madly grabbed the boys' clothes and ran them into the bathroom where he stacked them up behind the door. The door to his room was partly ajar and he noticed his sister staring in at him. "I think I forgot something" Lorin yelled at her and she shook her head and kept on walking. Lorin prayed she couldn't figure out what he was up to.
When the trunk was empty he placed his dress on the bottom and rapidly threw in his girls' clothes taking them out of their bags since he figured it would look silly to have all his clothes bagged up when he got to camp. He could faintly hear the sound of his father downstairs and then he heard his father call up to him. "Ready Lorin?"
"NOT QUITE!" he screamed. He could hear his dad ascending the stairs and Lorin frantically completed tossing his stuff into the trunk and then just as his dad entered the room, in desperation, Lorin grabbed the top trunk shelf that was filled with small items such as soap, shampoo, and socks and flung it on top of the girls' clothes piled underneath.
"ALL DONE!" Lorin yelled.
"You don't have to scream," his father said, "and it wouldn't hurt to be gentle with the trunk. My goodness, you can't slam it around like that."
"Sorry, dad!" Lorin said with a weird smile on his face.
"My God you look tense Lorin!"
Lorin let out a strange laughing sound.
"Are you ready to lock it up?"
"Hunh, yup!" Out of the corner of his eye Lorin noticed that at least part of the clothes he had piled in the bathroom were visible from his bedroom. "But I've to go first!" he said, pointed to his stomach and ran into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.
"Are you sick?" his dad said through the door.
"No! I'll feel better in a minute," Lorin said. As quietly as possible, he unscrewed the trap door and shoved his boys' clothes inside.
"What are all these bags?" his dad said.
"Oh nothing," Lorin said. "I was just cleaning out my room."
"Are you sure you have everything for your trunk?"
"Yeah!" Lorin said. The lid was open. If his dad looked underneath the top shelf he'd probably see a few bras and a panty or two.
There was so much boys stuff, Lorin was having trouble squeezing it into the opening. He finally had to take some clothes back out, push what was in there further in and then resume filling it. Lorin heard his father yell "what?" and then, after a minute, he said to Lorin, "you're mother wants me to check if you have your one good pair of corduroy pants."
"They're in the trunk, I'M SURE OF IT!"
"How far down?"
Lorin was almost done. He put the plate back on the opening and began frantically turning the screws. He flushed the toilet and ran out just as his dad was about to lift the top shelf off. Lorin lurched across the room in a frenzy, acting as if he had lost his balance. He screamed, made an Indian war whoop-like cry and headed right toward his dad, who jumped aside just as Lorin grabbed the lid of the trunk and slammed it shut with such velocity that the sound echoed throughout the room and downstairs like a gunshot. His mother yelled in alarm, "WHAT IN THE WORLD?"
"JESUS! LORIN! You almost chopped my hand off!" his dad yelled.
"I'm sorry dad, I stumbled, I lost my balance it was the only thing I could take hold of."
His dad looked at him with utter confusion and disbelief. "I don't know Lorin, you seem to be really losing it."
"I'm really sorry."
"Look Lorin. Are you..."
"Am I?"
"You know, high?"
"Dad! How can you say such a thing?"
"I've had some experience. Your behavior is fitting that profile."
"I promise you dad. You can trust me. I definitely have never taken drugs and I don't intend to start. I'm just excited and clumsy."
"OK. We don't have much time. Just calm down, way down. OK?"
"I will."
"I hope you didn't lock the keys inside."
"No, I've got them right here and Lorin produced a key chain with two identical keys on them.
"Alright, lock it up let's carry this down to the car."
They each grabbed an end and brought it downstairs to the car. On their way back into the house Lorin's mom saw them and said, "It sounded like a gun when off upstairs."
"Your son just about decapitated my hand. He fell on the trunk lid while leaping across the room. I guess we don't have to worry about him joining the ballet."
Lorin's mom chuckled and said, "I found one more shirt to go in the trunk."
"I'll just put it in my backpack," Lorin said and took the shirt from his mom and went back upstairs.
"We're ready to go," his dad called after him, "and throw out your trash."
"What trash?" his mom said.
"He's got a pile of empty bags up there. I just don't know about him."
Lorin crumpled the bags into a ball and put them into the trash can. He carefully filled his backpack with his girls' outfit and put the shirt his mom had given him and other stuff on top of it. He took one long look around the room, checked under the bed and made sure there was no evidence of what he was about to do.
In the bathroom, he saw that he had missed one sock and he picked it up and put it in his dresser. He tightened the screws on the bathroom panel as tightly as he could and hid the screwdriver in his desk. He was all set here. When he came back in two months he'd have to deal with whatever he would have to deal with. One thing would obviously be to switch his girls' clothes back to his boys' clothes and to somehow get his boys clothes to look like they had been at camp. That wouldn't be easy, but why worry about it now? He had a hundred other things to worry about.
The trip to the bus terminal was uneventful. A few minutes after they arrived, the bus to Poughkeepsie showed up and Lorin watched as the driver loaded the trunk into the underneath compartment. Lorin's mom and dad and sister who had come along also, hugged him and Lorin found himself holding back tears. His family would be thousands and thousands of miles away from him and he'd be all alone in Camp Shoni masquerading as Lauren. It felt like a huge boulder was crushing him to the ground. There was still time to call it off; he just had to say the word.
The driver called for everyone to board the bus and Lorin climbed in and took a window seat near the back and waved to his mom and dad. The bus backed out and then he was off down the road toward the highway. Lorin looked up at the sky and saw that the cloud cover had parted and the early summer sun shone down in full force. Lorin smiled and then he felt his heart rise up in happiness and excitement. He opened up his backpack, reached in and felt around in it for his padded bra. It was nice. In a couple of hours he'd be wearing it. He'd be a girl. He'd have a pretty pink Camp Shoni bunny tee shirt on and he'd be entering a world that held such wonders as he could never fully imagine. Just a few more hours.
He sat back and relaxed. Months ago this moment seemed impossible to attain, yet here he was. Someone in heaven was looking out for him and maybe they would also do so while he was in Camp Shoni. He would soon find out.
Chapter 9
As Lorin rode on the bus to Poughkeepsie, for the first time since he had cooked up his plan months ago, he felt free of the immediate danger that his subterfuge would be discovered by his parents. He sank back into his seat and relaxed and felt giddy with happiness. He had done the impossible and it must mean that he could continue to do the impossible. He would act the part of a teenage girl that summer at Camp Shoni so perfectly that no suspicion would ever be raised.
Lorin watched the scenery slide by. Each road or house or town that the bus passed meant he was that much closer to realizing his dream and he felt happy and content. It wasn't long, however, before he found himself wondering if he were happier now than he had been in the meadow with Penny the day before. It was a big and important question and he honestly did not know the answer. Maybe by the end of the summer he would know. Whatever way it came out was likely to affect the whole future course of his life.
Lorin couldn't help but appreciate the irony that if he did get caught at Camp Shoni then he would not have to answer the big question himself: it would be answered for him by his parents and maybe even the police. In a strange, sadistic way, there was some comfort in that scenario since it gave him a way to relax and just let life wash over himself without having to think.
Thinking, that was his worst enemy, since it had got him to where he was at that moment. He was too clever for his own good and it had made him think up this crazy plan and now he had no way to pull it off as perfectly as he would want. Lorin felt his spirits sag and his anxiety rise. The all too familiar image came back to him that he had been trying to put out of his mind all that spring: the image of himself slipping and sliding down a steep hill into an abyss. At the bottom would be his parents, sister, other relatives and friends yelling at him and crying. Only Beth would be the exception, and he hoped Penny would also, but he did not know for sure. He wished the bus would speed up and up and up and get him to Poughkeepsie so fast that he wouldn't have the time to think any more about all these things
Lorin distracted himself by counting highway signs and his anxiety passed. A minute later he thought that maybe he had just two hours left as Lorin if even that. Would he miss his boy self? Would his boy self actually be missing? Would his girl self long to be his boy self? The thoughts swirled in his head.
Lorin looked around the bus to see if anyone else might be going to camp. There were a couple of boys his age sitting next to each other a few rows ahead of him but there was nothing obvious about them to suggest why they were going to camp. Lorin saw a girl up front near the driver. From what he could tell she did not seem to be too attractive. Lorin caught a man looking at him who then looked away when Lorin returned the gaze. Lorin wondered if the man could tell he was a guy, or had he wondered for even a second that maybe Lorin was a girl. He hoped so, since it would make his task that much simpler.
Finally Lorin took a book out of his backpack and became absorbed in reading, and then before he knew it the bus pulled into the station at Poughkeepsie. Trembling, Lorin put his backpack on and got off the bus. In a few minutes his trunk was unloaded and Lorin sucked in his stomach and forced himself to be brave. This is it, the games begin! He looked around the terminal to where he expected the luggage check to be and sure enough he could see it a hundred yards away across the terminal. His trunk was heavy but it slid rather easily on the hard surface of the terminal floor and Lorin did not have too much trouble pushing it across the room. A clerk gave him a numbered receipt and Lorin walked to the main entrance to the terminal and out onto the street.
Samantha's. He would now have to find the hair salon.
Lorin pulled out a hand drawn map he had made from his backpack showing him the way to Samantha's and headed off looking at the street signs. He walked slowly having time to kill. A pizza place was at the end of the first block and Lorin debated whether he should have a slice or not. He decided he was too nervous to eat; in fact he had no appetite.
Shortly before noon he found himself standing outside Samantha's Unisex Salon. Through the large picture window he saw several people inside. There appeared to be a woman hairdresser who was middle aged and a younger male hairdresser. A couple of women were in barber chairs having their hair styled.
The presence of the man was disconcerting and Lorin hoped he wouldn't be listening in on his conversation with Samantha. While he was looking through the window, the woman stylist saw him and Lorin had no choice but to enter the shop. When he came in the woman called out to him, "Are you Lorin?"
"Yeah," Lorin said nervously.
"Have a seat, I'll be with you soon."
Lorin couldn't tell if she was friendly or not. The woman was preoccupied with a conversation she was having with the woman whose hair she was styling. Lorin sat down and picked up a magazine and looked at the cover. It was a trade magazine for the hairstyle industry and Lorin skimmed through it looking at women's hairstyles. It was Greek to him and the more he looked the more confused he became as to what sort of hairstyle he should adopt. He hoped that Samantha would be able to tell him what he should do.
After ten minutes, Lorin could see that it was noon, but Samantha didn't seem to be close to finishing with her customer. The bus for Camp Shoni was to leave at 1 and Lorin didn't see how he could get his hair styled and get back to the station in much less than an hour. Maybe a 5 or 10 minute delay would be OK, but then he'd be really pressing it. Not only was the terminal several blocks away, but he would have to switch to being Lauren before he got there. This was not looking good. Samantha and the woman chatted casually and every so often Samantha stopped working and just talked.
At 12:10, the male stylist finished with his customer and she paid him and left. The stylist said something to Samantha and vanished into a back room. Just as it came to 12:15 Lorin put down the magazine, stood up and began pacing back and forth and staring hard at Samantha hoping she would see him.
After a minute, she glanced at him and said, "I'm sorry, I'll be done soon."
"I'm sorry but I have to catch a bus, remember?"
"I think I said I would try and fit you in, and I will."
"Oh, OK," Lorin said. A wave of depression descended over him. It was 12:20, in another minute or two it would be impossible to make the bus as Lauren. What would he do? Did the camp have any provision for late campers? There had been a warning in the camp documents in capital letters about the importance of arriving at the bus before one since it would leave promptly.
Lorin slumped down in the chair and fought back tears that seemed to be coming on. He had worked so hard for so long to get to Camp Shoni, and now the plan was unraveling by a few minutes. He felt Samantha staring at him, but he couldn't look up. He put his hands up to his face to hide behind them. The futility of his situation was overwhelming. A great weight descended on his shoulders pushing him down and he felt sorry for himself. He didn't want to feel sorry for himself, but the burden had become too large and he just couldn't take it any longer.
After a minute or two, he felt the presence of someone near him and he opened his eyes and saw Samantha standing over him.
"You look like you're going to die."
"I was hoping I could get changed, you know, like I said on the phone, before the bus leaves at 1. I'll never make it now."
"I'm almost done."
Lorin looked up at the clock it was 12:26. He feebly pointed to it. Samantha looked back at the woman in the chair. She wasn't close to being done. "I feel terrible. Maybe Gus could do it."
"Gus?"
"He was just here, the other stylist."
"A man?" Lorin said. Lorin had never planned for the possibility that a man would be the one to turn his appearance into that of a girl. His transformation had always seemed like a girl thing to him. It only involved girls and not guys. Guys would never understand his wanting to be a girl, but girls would. They would be able to understand his hunger for all that they had.
"Is that a problem for you?"
"It's just that, you know what I need done?"
"Make you look like a girl, right?"
"Yeah," Lorin said. Her voice was loud enough for her customer to hear and Lorin winced in embarrassment.
With an effort he added, "you don't think he would laugh at me?" Lorin wasn't sure that laugh was the right word, but it seemed to explain in his own mind why it was that he didn't think a man should be the one to turn him into a girl.
"Why do you think I wouldn't laugh at you?" Samantha said, amused by Lorin's remark.
This almost brought on his tears and Samantha quickly added, "I'll see if Gus can cut your hair, and if he can I'll make sure he won't laugh at you."
Lorin nodded his head and Samantha went to the back room and a minute later she returned. "He says no problem. Give him a minute to finish his lunch."
"OK, thanks," Lorin said in a tiny voice. It was his only option and he would have to take it despite whatever embarrassment he might feel.
"Go ahead and sit in his chair, he'll be right with you. He's very good."
Lorin did what she said and in a minute Gus appeared. "What's the deal? Samantha says you want a girl's style, is that it? For a play or something?"
"I can't thank you enough," Lorin said, and in mid sentence something came over him and he desperately wanted to talk as if he were Lauren. In his best girl's voice like he had practiced with Beth, he continued, "I've got to look like a girl. Yes it's for a part sort of, as you can see I've been practicing it a lot. But I've got so little time now. My bus leaves at one promptly, do you think we have enough time?"
"Oh sure, yeah no problem."
"That's so kind of you."
"So what kind of girl's style do you want?"
"Whatever makes me most look like one, can you do that?"
The elderly woman being attended to by Samantha turned around to stare at Lorin.
"I don't see why not. I better shampoo you first."
"Is there time?" Lorin asked.
"There had better be, because I can't do what you want with a dry cut. Trust me it'll be all right."
"I've been growing my hair long to make it look more girl like."
"I can see that," Gus said. He led Lorin to a back area of the shop where he washed Lorin's hair and then brought him back to his styling chair.
"Your hair is medium length, between your shoulders and chin. So, I'd guess something like bangs across the front, a part over the middle of your head and your hair sweeping around the sides of your face just over the outer corner of your eyes and the outer parts of your cheeks and angling to just below your chin. Your face will look soft and feminine, any male angularity will be behind your hair."
"That sounds so fantastic!"
"Well let's see how it turns out first."
Lorin glanced at the clock and Gus said, "I know. Relax. I'll have you done in no time."
As much as he wanted to believe Gus, he felt extreme anxiety deep in his loins. It was a hot intense feeling that seemed to encompass the entire midsection of his body. He watched Gus select a scissor and with confident hands gather the strands of his hair together and snip them across the front. The immediate transformation in the mirror was striking. Using a brush, Gus organized the part at the top of his head and when it was aligned he cut the hair so it would fall like he had suggested over his face.
Like a wizard Gus conjured up the girl in Lorin and as Lorin watched in growing amazement he saw Lauren appearing more and more clearly. Later he would reflect many times over on when had been the exact moment in the mirror when the balance tipped away from Lorin to Lauren. It was a subtle thing, but there was a certain point after which anyone looking at Lorin's face would think they were looking at a girl. Not just any girl, but a young feminine girl, with a rather pretty face peering out from behind her bangs and long strands of delicate, straight hair converging toward her chin.
Lorin felt his eyes tearing up and then a drop fell down along his cheek. He was now Lauren. That was it. It was done. He was a she. He would now think of himself only as a she. The girl whose image he saw in the mirror had been Lorin and now she was Lauren. That girl, she was Lauren. Lorin was Lauren.
The self-image of Lorin, the boy who had planned this summer at Camp Shoni, receded from Lauren's mind at blindingly fast speed until all that Lauren knew with sure knowledge was that she was a girl. She was a she. She was Lauren.
Gus noticed the tear coming down Lauren's cheek and gently wiped it away with his hand.
"It's a tear of joy," Lauren said.
"I know," Gus said smiling. "I won't probe any further, but just answer me one question."
"Sure," Lauren said in the voice Beth had taught Lorin weeks earlier, "I owe it to you. I owe you a lot."
"Why this shop, this day, in Poughkeepsie?"
Lauren smiled. "I'm on my way to camp. It's the camp bus I have to make. Oh, and it's not a coed camp."
Gus stared at Lauren shaking his head, "A gutsy thing if I ever heard one. My goodness!"
Samantha had finished with her customer and she came over to see the transformation. "He comes in a boy and leaves as a girl. You're a magician Gus."
"Did he," Gus started to say and stopped after seeing Lauren give him a sharp glance. "I mean, did she tell you why she needed this?"
"She?" Samantha looked momentarily surprised and then said, "he/she/it, whatever, said it's for a play, isn't that true?"
"Tell her," Gus said to Lauren.
"I'm going to a girl's camp this summer."
"A girl's camp? You're going to be among girls, pretending you're a girl? That wasn't truthful of you," Samantha said though she did not sound upset.
"I feel terrible having deceived you, but I had no choice. Everything depended on this and it's turned out so much better than I ever could have imagined. I am forever grateful to you."
"You've left us vulnerable," Samantha said. "If you get caught I imagine we'll be blamed."
"But there's no law about giving a boy a girl's haircut, is there?" Lauren said.
"Maybe not, but I do feel like the shop has aided and abetted the delinquency of a minor."
Gus laughed, "Chill, Samantha. It's only hair. We didn't give him a boob job."
Lauren glanced at the clock and saw that she had barely ten minutes left.
"I truly am sorry, but I've got to go. I can't thank you enough, really. It's so much better than I ever imagined."
"You're hair is damp."
"I know, but there isn't any time."
Lauren got up, reached in her knapsack and took out her money. "What do I owe you?"
"It's just fifteen for the cut."
"That's all?" Lauren gave Gus twenty five dollars. "Can I use your bathroom for a minute?"
"Sure," Gus said indicating where it was.
Lauren hurried to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She took off all of Lorin's clothes and from the backpack she took out panties and put them on, followed by a pair of thin pink socks. She next took out the bra that Lorin had placed in the backpack and with extreme delight she expertly put it on. It was padded and exquisitely pretty and Lauren said out loud, "how did I ever manage without a bra before." She looked approvingly at herself in the small mirror and then hurriedly put the pink bunny tee shirt on. The last two articles of clothing were her shorts and a pair of girls' sneakers and then she was done.
There wasn't much time to admire herself in the bathroom mirror, but she couldn't resist the temptation to take in the whole new look of herself. She was cute, even without make up or anything and she loved the way her hair looked. It was nice to be wearing a bra and feeling so feminine. There was something utterly fulfilling about the feeling of having breasts. It was like she was complete now. Most wonderful of all was that she felt that her longing had ended. Yes, she could sense that there was still some longing in her, perhaps to not have a penis, or to have a narrower waist but these were subsidiary to a primal desire inside herself to project the image of a womanly figure to the world. It was breasts that seemed most important and now she could look forward to many days ahead, one after the other drawn from a rich mother lode of days, like taking withdrawals from a bank vault filled with riches, where she would be wearing a bra and experiencing all that society gives to those who are female, or at least have the appearance of being female.
Lauren stepped out of the bathroom holding Lorin's clothes in a neat pile. The clock said it was almost one. "I've got to run! I don't need these clothes where I'm going. Can I just leave them here?" she asked.
Samantha took the clothes from Lauren and said, "Hurry up. You're never going to make it!"
"I'll drive you," Gus said, "my car is out front."
"Would you!" Lauren said.
"C'mon!" Gus said and they rushed out to his car.
As they waited at a traffic light with the terminal in sight, Lauren said, "Actually, I may be coming through here in two months and I might need my hair changed back."
"Really?"
"Even if I don't, I may stop by then to say hello and I hope you'll be there."
"I hope you do. I really want to find out how it all turns out for you."
The car started moving and when they got to the terminal, Lauren saw several girls wearing pink tee shirts. "Whew, the bus must not have left, there are bunch of other bunnies."
Before Lauren left the car she turned to Gus and said. "You saved my life and I'll never be able to thank you enough."
"The pleasure is all mine," Gus said.
Impulsively, Lauren leaned toward him and gave him a little kiss on his cheek and then left the car. She waved to Gus as he drove off and then hurried to pick up her trunk.
When a camp counselor saw Lauren trying to drag the trunk across the floor she said, "let me help you with that!"
"Thank you," Lauren said, "it's awfully heavy!"
"What's your name?"
"Lauren Baxter."
"Small world! I'm Marilyn, your counselor for the bunnies of cabin 4!"
As they struggled with the trunk, Lauren said, "It's my first year at Camp Shoni."
"We've got a great group of girls this year. I'm sure you're going to have loads of fun."
"I've been so excited about camp, it's hard to believe it's actually going to start."
"I know exactly what you mean."
They brought the trunk close enough to the bus and then let it down. Marilyn went off to help another girl and Lauren looked around at the kids in the bus station. She saw that some of the girls were wearing blue tee shirts that identified them as Wolves at Camp Shoni. Nearby there was a bus for Camp Dan that was close to being fully boarded. Through the window Lauren saw a few faces that she recognized. She didn't see her friend Owen, but figured his parents drove him up to camp anyway. One thing that was certain was that the Camp Shoni bus wasn't leaving promptly at one. Her hysteria over the last hour had been pointless.
Glancing around at the girls in pink tee shirts Lauren saw a familiar face and then realized it must be Joan, or someone who looked exactly like the picture that Joan had sent. The girl had dark hair and was much more well developed than Lauren. "Hi Joan!" Lauren exclaimed.
Joan turned around and eyed Lauren quizzically. "You're Joan in Cabin 4, aren't you?" Lauren said.
"Yes! Lauren? Is that you? You've totally changed your hairstyle. You look so much different. I love that hairstyle it's so adorable."
Lauren didn't know if she was supposed to hug Joan, but she did so anyway and Joan hugged her back.
"I thought I'd try something new that my hairdresser suggested. I'm so glad you like it."
"It's cute," Joan said. "I haven't seen any of the other girls; I suppose they're not coming by bus. It's just you and me."
"It's my first time at Camp Shoni," Lauren said.
"You'll love it. I do. I've been going for three years already. This year we get to go to the dances and the big cotillion at the end. It's so neat."
"I know, I was reading about the cotillion. It sounds so wonderful."
"It is. A lot of the girls from the lower camp help with the decorations and I've been able to watch when the boys start arriving. They wear ties and jackets."
"It must be magical."
"Yes, magical, only this year I, I mean we, won't have to watch from the sidelines."
"I can't wait."
"It's funny that way. We all can't wait for the cotillion, but the cotillion means the end of the summer, and we'll all be crying that the good times are over."
"Bittersweet."
"Exactly."
Joan recognized one of the boys on the bus and pointed him out to Lauren. It was a guy that Lauren also knew, Frank, one of the older campers from last year. He had a reputation as being a great athlete and was very popular. "I remember him from last year when he used to come to some of the dances," Joan said. "You have to watch yourself with him. He's slick."
"What would an older guy like that want with us?"
"You'd be surprised. They like to take advantage of our innocence."
Lauren was glad that Joan was so helpful. "To be honest, I haven't had too much experience with boys. My parents are pretty strict about dating."
Joan smiled, "we're the bunnies, remember? I think the girls who want to be bunnies haven't dated much. You'll see that the wolves all act like they're such experts and so experienced."
Lauren noticed that Joan had a large stuffed Orca resting on top of her suitcase.
"I'm sure I'm going to have so much fun this summer as a cabin 4 bunny," Lauren said.
"If the other girls are as nice as you, I'm sure we'll get along wonderfully," Joan said.
The bus was beginning to load and Lauren said, "I better freshen up."
"Don't go to the terminal bathroom. There's a nicer one across the street in the Wendy's."
"Thanks," Lauren said, "I'll be right back. Don't let them leave without me!"
At the Wendy's, Lauren saw the adjacent bathrooms for men and women and for the first time in her life was able to go into the ladies room. It seemed like a magical experience, going through that portal to a world that had been forever the province of her mom and sister and other girls. Now the ladies room belonged to her also. It was where ladies went and she was a young lady now.
With great attention to detail, Lauren peed like a girl. She sat, she dabbed at her pretend vagina with tissue paper. She quickly went through her purse and put a slight bit of makeup on her face and a dab of very light pink shaded lipstick on her lips. She made a brief try at combing her hair. Luckily it was a style that did not need a lot of attention. She had noticed since she had left Samantha's that she often found herself sweeping the hair off of her face and she concentrated on making the gesture as natural and feminine as possible.
Lauren and Joan sat together on the bus. Joan was next to the window which gave Lauren an opportunity to look at her while pretending to be looking at the scenery as the bus made its way toward the mountains and Camp Shoni. Lauren compared herself to Joan: their hair, their skin, their arms, their facial features, their legs and feet. Lauren decided that her own hair was as girlish as Joan's and her arms were perhaps even a bit thinner than hers. Her feet were definitely a bit bigger and it was hard to tell about their skin. Lauren wondered if Joan's was softer but she couldn't just go ahead and touch her. One big difference was their finger nails. Joan's had a kind of light blue polish with some sparkles in it, while Lauren's were bare.
As they rode along bouncing as the bus negotiated the small roads, Lauren said, "One thing I really need to do is get my nails polished. My mom doesn't believe in makeup."
"Believe me, it'll be one of the biggest activities in our cabin. Trying out nail polish and talking about boys, they go hand and hand."
"Great!" Lauren said and even giggled slightly.
"What color?" Joan asked.
"Probably pink. It's my favorite color. I've always loved pink."
"Me too, but for some reason I love blue nail polish."
They rode on in silence. Lauren watched as the bumping of the bus caused Joan's breasts to slightly bounce and jostle. She looked down at her own breasts as defined by the foam cups of her bra and they were clearly not moving. Lauren felt envious, even more so than normal, since she felt that in some ways she had a right to have real breasts now. It was unfair that she didn't. And when she thought about the fact that she had a penis, she felt a wave of hopelessness. Surely she had demonstrated to the world during the past half hour that she was now a girl. In fact, it was clear to her that being a girl was not about having a penis or not, so God might as well just give her the right anatomy and just be done with it!
In another hour the bus pulled through the gates of Camp Shoni and Lauren gazed with excitement at the wooden buildings, the sports facilities and the beautiful Lake Navajo that would be her home for the next two months. Regardless of anything, she would make the best of the situation, and not spend the summer praying for miracles. Just getting to Camp Shoni as Lauren was really a miracle all by itself.
End Part III
To Be Continued...
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 4
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 4
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 10
Lauren stepped down off the bus into a world of girls wearing blue and pink camp tee shirts hurrying about in all directions. Many of the girls were with moms and dads and brothers and sisters who helped them with their trunks or circled around excitedly visiting the lake, stables, ball fields, dining room and other attractions. Lauren saw girl campers as young as 6 and 7 and some older girls who had to be junior counselors as well as many young teenage girls like herself. With some relief Lauren realized that not all the girls - including some of the older ones - were as "grown up" as Joan. There was no reason why Lauren would not fit right in with them. In any case, Lauren was happy she had decided to have her padded bra ready to put on at Poughkeepsie since it gave her just a tiny bit more selfconfidence than if she had on a regular bra.
Surveying the scene in front of her Lauren noticed that some of the girls were wearing skirts instead of shorts and the thought struck her that for the first time ever she was free to be whatever girl she wanted to be. She could wear a skirt if she wanted to or she could wear shorts. The decision would be hers entirely - whatever came out of her mind just as it would for any real girl. Lauren smiled inwardly and told herself that as soon as she was settled into her cabin she was going to put on a skirt, and maybe she would be wearing skirts the whole summer as well, of course unless she was playing softball or something like that.
"It's so great to be back," Joan said.
"It looks beautiful," Lauren said.
A tall woman came up to the two of them and said, "Welcome back Joan, it's great to see you again!"
"Hi, Ms. Rovelstad," Joan said, "I'm so happy to be back."
"And who is the new girl?" Ms. Rovelstad said indicating Lauren.
"This is Lauren. She's in my cabin."
"Hi Lauren, I'm Ms. Rovelstad, the head counselor."
"Hi," Lauren said shyly.
"Welcome to the camp! By any chance are you Lauren Baxter?"
"Yes," Lauren said, suddenly scared to hear Lorin's full name.
"I have a phone message for you somewhere." She shuffled through pages attached to a clip board she was carrying, found one and pulled it out and handed it to Lauren. "I think it's from your mom. Something about a haircut I think. She had it directed to Camp Dan but luckily it ended up here."
"I'm sorry," Lauren said.
"It happens all the time. It's the Navajo names, drives everyone a bit cuckoo remembering which camp is which. Every winter they talk about changing the names but they never do anything about it. Anyway, the odd thing this time is that Camp Dan thought they had a camper with exactly your name, but spelled differently. A boy whose been going there for years that everyone knows, but it turns out by coincidence that he isn't going this year. Luckily they asked if we had a Lauren Baxter!"
"Gosh," Lauren said hardly believing what she was hearing. Any second she expected Ms. Rovelstad to ask her if she was really the same Lorin Baxter who had been going to camp Dan.
But instead she said, "you can get your hair trimmed next week if you want, though it doesn't seem too long to me. Anyway, your cabin is just there," pointing across a large grass field with a flagpole in the middle.
"We're bunnies," Lauren said spontaneously, happy that the danger had seemed to pass.
Ms. Rovelstad chuckled, "I can see that already from your pink tee shirts! You're both going to make great bunnies!"
Lauren blushed slightly and looked down at the ground. "I'll get Scotty to help you with you're trunks," Ms. Rovelstad said, "and I hope you girls have a great time this summer!"
"We will," the two girls said simultaneously.
As Ms. Rovelstad went to help another camper Lauren opened the note and read: REMEMBER YOUR HAIRCUT AND HAVE A GREAT TIME! WE'RE OFF TO JAPAN! LOVE, MOM AND DAD. Lauren smiled with relief. There wasn't any sudden change of plans or anything that she would have to worry about. Somewhat worrisome was the fact that if camp Dan also forwarded letters to Camp Shoni, they may be addressed to Lorin Baxter and not Lauren Baxter. If Owen saw one of those letters it might cause some problems, especially if he knew that there was a Lauren Baxter at Camp Shoni who looked remarkably like Lorin Baxter! It was a good thing that Owen would not be going to the dances or the cotillion this year.
Scotty was a middle aged, slightly balding man who was in charge of maintenance and any other "masculine" chores at the camp. He was jovial and put Lauren at ease from the moment he came over with a cart to help them with their trunks. It was clear that Scotty regarded Lauren as a young girl no different than Joan and it gave Lauren a giddy feeling inside to have that knowledge. It was like a kind of power she now had - the power to be feminine in what ever way she wanted to be.
With Scotty's help, Lauren and Joan got their luggage to the cabin. Eileen, Susan and Judy were already there and came out to help them lift the trunks up the few steps into the room. Lauren stood in the doorway and surveyed the large open floor plan trying to decide where would be the best bunk for herself. The beds were along the walls of a large space that formed an ell shape with a couple of doors near the middle of the ell - one for a storage closet that the cotillion dresses went in and one that led to the bathroom/shower facility. Lauren hoped that one bunk might be a bit more private than the rest so she could change more easily in front of the others. Before she could say anything, Joan said, "Let's take these two!" The beds she was pointing to were at the end of the ell with a window between them.
"Perfect," Lauren said noticing that she would be able to get dressed facing into a corner of the room with no one able to see her chest or even worse the protrusion between her legs.
After Lauren slid her trunk to a spot at the foot of the bed, she went back to introduce herself to the other girls.
"It's so great to see you in the flesh," Eileen said. She was a petite girl with dark straight hair in a simple cut. "I swear we're going to have the best cabin in the entire camp this year!"
"No contest," Susan said, "bunnies rule!" Lauren could not take her eyes off of her. She had a woman's chest and a beautiful face with full red lips and long eyelashes.
"We're going to have a blast," Judy said.
Just then Ann, Janet and Thalia came in with their counselor Marilyn, followed by Scotty with their luggage. The girls excitedly exchanged greetings and helped the newcomers choose bunks and settle in. Marilyn greeted everyone personally and gave a little welcoming speech telling the girls what to expect. Camp Shoni definitely seemed more organized than Camp Dan, Lauren thought, more of a communal spirit and Marilyn seemed to care a lot more than Lauren remembered her past counselors ever caring. This was going to be very nice Lauren thought.
"Now those girls who haven't emptied their trunks into their cubbies had better do so," Marilyn said. "Your trunks are going to be put in storage for the summer to give us more room. See how nicely Eileen and Susan have put away their things? You can put your bras in one cubby, your panties in another, and so on. There should be plenty of room. Put your gowns and any other clothes that have to be on a hanger in the closet. When you're all done we'll have a little cabin meeting to get to know one another."
Lauren went to her bunk and Joan went back to hers. Joan said, "in the back of the cubbies I put all the weird clothes my mom made me take that I never wear!"
Lauren laughed nervously thinking that probably most of her clothes the other girls would consider "weird." After all, they were the end result of what was really a scavenger hunt among whatever opportunities she could find to get clothes. One day, when she was older, she would just go to a store and buy a whole pretty wardrobe that made her look exactly how she wanted to look. Of course the one thing in her wardrobe that was perfect was her gown, but it would be almost ten weeks to the cotillion when she could dress up in it.
Lauren unlocked her trunk and looked in. Lorin's white socks were clearly boy's socks so she quickly put them to the back of a cubby. She emptied out her toothpaste and toothbrush and other toiletries and set the trunk shelf aside. Inside was utter chaos and Lauren made a quick move to try and shield it from Joan's view but it was too late.
"Oh my God, Lauren," she said laughing incredulously, "you have set the record in terrible packing. My God, my mom would go ballistic." Her excitement drew the attention of the other girls and they came by to have a look.
Embarrassed, Lauren said, "I was going to miss the bus. My mom had overslept. We had to throw everything in as fast as we could!"
Laughing, Thalia reached in and slowly pulled out a bra that was tied up with the sleeve of a blouse and two pairs of panties. Lauren, said, "c'mon girls."
"This looks like one of my mom's panties," Thalia said and the other girls laughed.
"Some of your clothes have historical value," Eileen said as she held up one of the old sneakers Lauren had found. It was from a brand that was no longer even in the stores.
It looked to Lauren that her game was up. It did matter that you had the kinds of clothes that all the other girls had, if you wanted people to believe you were a girl. The other girls laughed at Eileen's comment and Lauren fought back the urge to cry. The girls seemed oblivious to Lauren's emotion until Lauren fell over and buried her face in her pillow and sobbed.
The girls suddenly grew quiet and Susan put her hand on Lauren's shoulder and said, "omygod Lauren, we didn't mean to upset you. We were just playing!"
Thalia said, "I feel terrible!"
Marilyn came over to see what was going on. "What's a matter Lauren?" she said and looked at the other girls.
"We didn't mean to tease her about her clothes. We didn't mean it in a bad way!"
"You all go back to your packing and let me talk to Lauren. I'm sure this is just a little misunderstanding."
The girls dispersed back to their beds and Marilyn sat down next to Lauren surveying the mess in her trunk.
"What have we got here?" Marilyn asked in a conspiratorial tone. "Need help unpacking?" Lauren sat up and dried her eyes on her sleeve.
Lauren didn't say anything and Marilyn said, "you've got some wonderful clothes here. I like a girl who's got her own style, who doesn't go along with everyone else. It shows a lot of maturity."
"Thanks," Lauren said and held up one of her swim suits that had the sewn in skirt and said, "it's a hand-me-down from my neighbor."
"Are you..." Marilyn said and stopped and then smiled.
"What?" Lauren asked.
"You don't have to answer, I'll understand," and then whispering Marilyn said, "are you on scholarship?"
At first Lauren didn't know what she meant and then she figured it out. With sudden inspiration Lauren said, "yeah, I guess so."
"That certainly explains everything. I think it's so brave of you to come knowing how vulnerable it makes you."
"Thank you," Lauren said and while Marilyn gave her a hug she continued, "I'm sure I'll be OK now."
"You let me know if anyone teases you about your clothes!" Marilyn said.
"I know they didn't mean any harm!" Lauren said.
Joan couldn't help but overhear much of the conversation and said, "if you want to borrow any of my clothes feel free!"
"Thanks Joan," Lauren said a little embarrassed, "I will."
She and Joan resumed unpacking and Lauren found herself smiling. It was perfect, the perfect alibi for why her clothes were so strange, why none of her skirts, pants and tops were from cool stores down at the local mall. It was amazing how life offered up the answers to questions even if one had no clue how to answer them oneself.
Equally remarkable was just how nice the girls had taken the news that she was on scholarship. Lauren could recall quite the opposite experience a couple of years earlier at Camp Dan. In his cabin there had been a boy who everyone knew was on scholarship. Lauren remembered him being teased and tormented constantly by some of the bigger guys in the cabin. Lorin had tried to befriend him but to no avail since they didn't have anything in common. Out of fear Lorin had been afraid to tell the other guys to stop harassing the boy since he was pretty sure that his own relative weakness made him an easy target if he provoked them.
Lauren continued unpacking and in short order had her bras, panties, stockings, tops, shorts and skirts neatly arranged in the cubbies over her bed. Her cotillion dress and crinoline were the last things she removed from the trunk. Through the clear plastic garment bag she could see that the dress had acquired a few creases, but it didn't really seem so bad. Anyway, after many weeks hanging in the closet they would probably vanish. As Lauren carried the dress across the room to the closet, the other girls complimented her on how pretty it was. Lauren hung it up in the closet joining several other pretty dresses that were already there. Lauren took a quick look at the others and decided that none of them were as pretty as her own.
When everyone was done unpacking and the trunks were placed outside to be taken away, Marilyn called the bunnies to congregate around her own bunk which was situated at the middle point of the ell shaped cabin. Lauren sat next to Eileen and Thalia on Janet's bed.
"I know you girls have been meeting online, but let's go around the circle and have everyone introduce themselves. Tell us where you go to school and how about what you're most looking forward to this summer at Camp Shoni. We'll go clockwise around the circle starting with me."
"I'm Marilyn and I'm now a junior at Penn State University. I major in theatre and I'm in charge of putting on the camp production this summer. We're going to be putting on 'Oliver' and I hope that all of you try out for parts."
Marilyn looked at Eileen sitting next to her and after she mentioned her school said, "my favorite thing in camp is horseback riding. I ride back home a little and love it."
As they went around the circle Lauren found out that Janet and Ann like canoeing most of all, while Thalia liked arts and crafts, Susan liked swimming and Judy liked tennis. Joan said she like just about everything from "arts and crafts to boys" which caused the other girls to laugh. When it was her turn, Lauren said she was most excited about the cotillion but as far as everyday activities were concerned she probably would like the arts and crafts most of all.
When everyone had spoken Marilyn described how the daily schedule would work and how the girls could spend their free time doing more of those activities that they most liked doing - as against sitting around in the cabin. At one point she said, "From the looks of you ladies I'd guess that most of you are having periods. I don't have to remind you to not flush your kotex down the toilet. Use the garbage bags in the bathroom! Do any of you tend to get really bad periods?"
Joan and Eileen raised their hands. Marilyn continued, "Then don't be shy about taking it easy those days. Just say the word and I won't nag you about getting up and going to your activities!"
"One final thing and then I think we should all head out to swim until dinner time. Is there anyone here who would volunteer to be the camp gonger? The gonger is traditionally a girl from either the Bunnies or Wolves of your age."
"What does the gonger do?" Susan asked. This was her first time at camp.
"I'm sorry. The new girls won't know who the gonger is. She's a camper who awakes every morning before everyone else and strikes the big gong in the middle of the field at precisely 6:30 AM to wake everyone else up. Older girls are too liable to sleep in to be reliable gongers and the younger girls are too young. That's why we want one of you to volunteer."
The girls laughed and made fun of the idea of getting up early, with the exception of Lauren who asked, "How much earlier does the gonger have to get up?"
"As early as you need to so as to get out to the gong by 6:30. The gonger is given a special alarm clock that shakes her awake. If she wants she can wash up, shower, whatever before she goes out there."
Lauren looked around at the other girls. Even though they might find her bizarre for volunteering, she had immediately seen how it could save her the biggest dilemma she faced: showering with the other girls. "I'd love to do it," Lauren blurted out.
"Really?" Marilyn said.
"I love getting up early and I'm sure it would be fun to hit the gong."
"That's great Lauren. I'll let Ms. Rovelstad know! Usually we have to cajole one of the girls to volunteer."
"No, no, for me it'll be fun."
"OK then, that was a lot easier than I thought!"
Marilyn thought for a moment and said, "any questions about anything else before we swim?"
Susan said, "When is the first dance?"
"I was wondering why no one was asking! The first dance is next Saturday in our rec hall."
"So cool!" Ann said.
"But aren't all the boys going to be older?" Eileen asked. "I heard that the boys our age aren't allowed anymore!"
"You're right," Marilyn said, "except that the counselors got together last week and decided to give the boys your age at Camp Dan a chance to prove themselves. They will be allowed to go to the Saturday dances to demonstrate that they are mature enough to go to the cotillion. If all goes well they'll be invited back each week and then they'll be able to participate in the Cotillion."
Lauren turned pale and had to steady herself from fainting. You mean this was all for nothing? She could have stayed as Lorin and gone to the cotillion? Everything set in motion from that one unfortunate footnote in the camp brochure so many months ago was for naught? Lauren felt woozy. I've become a girl for no reason, but on the other hand, I don't ever not want to be a girl. Now that I'm a girl I can't give it up. Lauren was mixed up inside and wanted to run and hide somewhere but there was no chance. She heard Marilyn say, "if that's all the questions, let's all change to our swim suits and go down to the lake."
Lauren slowly walked back to her bunk while the other girls rushed back to theirs. Next to her, Joan pulled her blouse over her head revealing her white bra, and then with her back to Lauren she pulled down her shorts and panties and unhooked her bra. Gazing out across the room, Lauren saw the other girls were also in various stages of undress. Some were fully naked, some were stepping out of panties or slipping off their bras. The view was shocking and Lauren was unprepared for it. A bit of heaven it seemed like, a diorama of femininity that she wished she could be part of. Her lack of true breasts and presence of her male "equipment" kept her an outsider. The sweet white untanned skin around the bottoms and tops of the girls looked so delicate and graceful to her. The swelling hips and narrow waists. Joan was stepping into her suit and Lauren watched transfixed as she gracefully placed one leg in her bikini bottom and then the other and pulled it up and then turned to face Lauren while she put on the bra top of the suit. "You're not swimming?" she asked Lauren.
"Got to pee!" Lauren said and took her light green bathing suit with green flowers out of its cubby and made a bee line for the bathroom. Once inside she went to the stall area and felt relieved to see that they all had doors. Thank goodness. She entered one, closed the door behind her, pulled down her shorts and panties and sat down on the seat and peed. When she was done she grabbed some paper and dabbed at her self. She did that because Beth thought that it would make her seem more like the other girls. She flushed and then as quickly as possible switched her clothes. The bathing suit fit her well and she went out of her way to tuck her small member back out of the way. When the suit was on she bent over to see how well the little skirt covered herself and as far as she could tell it was as she envisioned, there was no obvious sign of her boyhood.
Lauren apprehensively left the bathroom to join the other girls. Almost everyone was congregated at the door and Lauren rapidly joined them after she grabbed a towel and put on her flip flops. She wasn't the only one wearing a one piece suit though only hers had the little skirt. She was half expecting to be made fun about her swimsuit but the other girls ignored it: maybe Marilyn had used Lauren's time in the bathroom to admonish the girls about teasing her. Whatever the cause, Lauren was happy that she could just enjoy her time as a girl without having to worry incessantly about how she fit in.
Before they left Marilyn had them put on their pink bunny tee shirts over their swim suits so they indeed looked like a little flock of pink bunnies when they left the cabin and walked across the field. Walking down the path toward the lake, Lauren fell in step with Joan and Thalia and the three of them chatted about their common preference for arts and crafts. Thalia related how she had recently made a dress with her mother's help and that she had ideas for a skirt and blouse that she intended to work on at camp.
"I would love to work on something like that," Lauren said.
"You can work on the same thing along side me and I'll help you."
"Me too," Joan said.
"Great, we'll make 3 skirts and blouses," Thalia said.
"I also like bead work," Joan said.
"Sure, we can make necklaces too," Thalia said.
"We're going to have so much fun," Lauren said.
Thalia who was walking between Lauren and Joan put her arms on the shoulders of each of them and then Lauren and Joan put their arms around Thalia's waist. The three girls walked that way, laughing and giggling, all the way down to the lake.
When the bunnies got to the water they lay down their towels on the stony embankment and took off their tee shirts and sandals. A couple of them walked to the waters edge and stuck their toes in, only to shriek and run back to the others.
"The water is still cold!" Judy said.
"It won't get warm for a few more weeks," Janet said.
Lauren delicately walked down to the water with her arms out and put her toe in the water and then jumped backwards and shrieked. "It's so cold!"
"Let's play throw Lauren in the water!" Eileen said. The other girls thought it was a great idea and Lauren found herself laughing and playing along with the others as they closed in on her. Before long all the girls had fallen into the cold water and they splashed and ran around together having a wonderful time.
While the girls were swimming Ms. Rovelstad came over to watch and Marilyn joined her.
"They're a great bunch of girls," Marilyn said.
"The bunnies are usually the easy ones. It's the wolves that sometimes become difficult," Ms. Rovelstad said.
"I know what you mean," Marilyn said.
They watched a few minutes and Ms. Rovelstad said, "that Lauren Baxter has the cutest old fashioned suit. It's been a few years since I saw one like that."
"You're right. I had to give the girls a little pep talk about being kind to her. Scholarship kids can easily get their feelings hurt."
"Scholarship kid?" Ms. Rovelstad said. "I'm pretty certain she's not on scholarship."
"Really?" Marilyn said. "That's odd."
"Why did you think she's on scholarship?"
"Oh, no reason. She seemed so waif-like. Her clothes look found and when I said something about it, she admitted she was."
"Keep your eye on her," Ms. Rovelstad said.
"She seems happy enough," Marilyn said. Some of the girls including Lauren were playing leap frog in the water.
"It's probably nothing but you never know."
"I forgot to say she volunteered to be the gonger."
"Really? That's great. Some years it's so hard to get one. Good. Tell her to see me in the cafeteria during dinner and I'll give her her instructions." Ms. Rovelstad walked away slowly, deep in thought.
In a short while, one by one, the girls left the water and spread out their blankets on a grassy area near the lake. Lauren found herself lying between Thalia and Joan in a line of 8 girls lying side by side. She propped herself up on her elbows and surveyed her cabin mates. She definitely belonged here. There was no doubt about it. She was one of them. She was one of the girls. When she got back to the cabin she was going to wear a skirt and her best padded bra and maybe even Penny's blouse. It was the first time she had thought of Penny since she had arrived at the camp. Penny was Lorin's friend and a stranger to Lauren. Would Penny object to Lauren wearing Penny's blouse? Sure, she would. It couldn't be OK for Lauren to wear Penny's blouse. She would have to put it away for now and maybe forever. This last thought made her shiver in fear, but then she understood that it was Lorin who was afraid. He didn't want to give Penny up. Maybe at the end of the summer he would reassert himself and reclaim Penny. Lauren, Lorin, Lauren, Lorin. Lauren was very mixed up. She looked at Joan and Thalia's pretty forms and then at the little skirt of her own bathing suit and felt happy again. This was going to be a wonderful summer.
Lauren lay down on her stomach and relaxed. Her thoughts drifted to thinking about the first dance. She couldn't wait to find out what it was like. She smiled at the memory of her practice dancing with Beth. Then, like a jolt of electricity she realized that the decision to let the younger boys attend the dances meant that Owen and some of the other boys that she knew from years past were likely to be at the dance. Would they recognize her? Particularly if they found out what her whole name was. No, she was not out of the woods yet. There was still so much to worry about.
"What are you thinking about so hard," Joan said. She was sitting up now looking down at Lauren.
"Just the dance next Saturday," Lauren said. "I wonder how the boys are."
"I feel the same way. I hope they're nice to us. Boys can be so immature sometimes. But I'm hoping it's going to be great."
"Yeah, so am I," Lauren said.
Chapter 11
Lauren and the bunnies in her cabin ate dinner together at an assigned table in the dining hall with Marilyn sitting at the head. It was a camp rule that everyone wear their camp tee shirt to dinner so the dining hall was broken up into pink and blue tables depending on whether the girls in a particular cabin were bunnies or wolves. Just next to Lauren's table were the girls from a wolf's cabin at the same age as Lauren's group. At first sight they didn't seem to be that much different from the girls in Lauren's cabin, but the more Lauren glanced at them during the meal the more she decided that they were somehow tougher than the bunnies. One girl in particular seemed to be very aggressive in the way she talked and joked with her cabin mates and Lauren decided that she was someone to avoid. In years past at Camp Dan, there had always been at least one tough guy each summer that Lorin had had to avoid lest he bear the brunt of some cruel stunt. Usually the bully picked on someone even more socially inept than Lorin.
During dessert Lauren happened to glance up at the tough girl at the wolves table just as she was staring directly at Lauren and their eyes met for a brief second until Lauren looked away. What Lauren had seen in that flash of contact was not nice. The girl had trouble written all over her. Lauren would definitely give her as wide a berth as possible.
After dessert, when the girls were about ready to head back to the cabin, Marilyn reminded Lauren that Ms. Rovelstad wanted to see her about being the camp gonger. While the other girls left for the cabin, Lauren went up to the front of the room where Ms. Rovelstad sat at a special table with the camp nurse, Scotty and some other camp employees. Ms. Rovelstad noticed her and said, "Hi Lauren, I guess you're here about being the camp gonger?"
"Yes, ma'am," Lauren said politely.
"I can't thank you enough for volunteering! It's such an important job with so much responsibility. Are you sure you're up to the task?"
"Oh sure, Ms. Rovelstad. I love getting up early. I've always been an early riser. Actually I think it's kind of romantic early in the morning with the sun just brightening up the sky a little bit."
"You sound like a poet," Ms. Rovelstad said and Lauren blushed. Ms. Rovelstad went on to explain what her duties as gonger would be and gave her a special alarm clock that would shake her awake every morning as well as a fancy felt covered wooden mallet with which to strike the gong. "Remember, 7 loud gongs about 10 seconds apart every morning starting at 6:30 sharp and ending at 6:31. Got that?"
"Absolutely," Lauren said excitedly. She had decided this was going to definitely be a fun job.
"Tomorrow I'm going to meet you at the gong. If you do it successfully the way I described then you can consider yourself the official camp gonger."
"Great. Ms. Rovelstad. I won't let you down!"
On the way back to her cabin Lauren had to pass the wolf cabin where the scary girl from the next dining room table stayed. From a distance Lauren saw that some of the wolves were sitting on the front steps and she debated whether she ought to find a different way to her cabin - just in case. At the last second she resolved to not be paranoid - after all this was Camp Shoni and not Camp Dan.
When Lauren came abreast of the wolf cabin, she increased her pace a bit and looked at the ground, aware that the girls on the steps were looking at her. Lauren stole a quick glance their way and sure enough the mean girl was among them. She called out to Lauren, "what's the rush?" Lauren hesitated and the group of wolf girls got up and surrounded her blocking the path.
"What's your hurry?" the girl said.
"I've got to get to my cabin," Lauren said, resisting the urge to tell the girl it was none of her business.
"Duh, but why are you hurrying?"
"She's scared of you Marcie," one of the other girls said.
"I've never met a bunny who wasn't scared of me," Marcie said. "It's what makes them bunnies." The other girls laughed.
Lauren looked at Marcie and the other girls. There was a toughness about them that reminded her of some of the boys of Camp Dan. Still, they were girls and she was certain they could never be capable of the same cruel teasing that she had witnessed at Camp Dan.
"I'm not scared of you," Lauren said and as soon as she said it she realized that it was Lorin speaking. Lorin would never admit to being afraid of a girl.
Marcie grabbed Lauren's upper arm on her bicep. "Are you scared now?"
The firmness of Marcie's grip surprised Lauren. Marcie was powerful, there was no doubt about that, and suddenly Lauren knew that she would be helpless in a fight against her. "I don't want to fight," Lauren said.
"You're smart," Marcie said.
"You're hurting my arm," Lauren said.
Marcie let go of her. "Your arms are like sticks. How can you stand being so weak?"
Lauren looked down at the ground. "I exercise. I just don't get strong. I'm not a boy."
"That's such bullshit," Marcie said. "I can beat up a lot of guys."
Lauren shivered. "Can I go now?"
"What's this?" Marcie said indicating the gong hammer.
"It's for the gong," Lauren said.
"You're the gonger?" Marcie said incredulously.
"Yes. Ms. Rovelstad appointed me."
"You'll be all alone early in the morning."
"I know."
"A perfect meal for a hungry mountain lion."
"Who didn't find a meal during the night," said one of the other girls.
"Very funny," Lauren said. "There aren't any mountain lions around here, are there?"
"They've moved back into the region last year," Marcie said.
Lauren looked at her for a sign that she was joking but she seemed serious. "Can I go now?"
"Watch your step. What is your name?"
"Lauren."
"Just remember Lauren that the wolves have their eyes on you."
"I will," Lauren said and continued on her way thankful that Marcie and the others seemed only like they wanted to scare her, but not hurt her. Her arm still hurt slightly from Marcie's grip and she had the sudden insight that she was as vulnerable as any girl might be to physical domination posed by stronger boys or even other girls. In other words, Lauren could not just magically transform herself into a Lorin who would protect her from hurt. The boy Lorin was no stronger or able to defend himself than the girl Lauren.
When Lauren arrived at the bunny cabin she walked directly to her bunk. The other girls were occupied with straightening their areas, putting clothes away and otherwise relaxing after the excitement of the first day of camp. Joan was on the other side of the cabin talking to Thalia. Lauren lay down on her bunk, put her arms behind her head and surveyed the scene around her. She noticed Eileen had changed out of her clothes and into a thin pale green night gown. Ann nonchalantly pulled up her blouse exposing her bra and Lauren watched as she reached behind her back and unhooked it. The bra fell away from her revealing two small breasts with bright red nipples. Ann then unbuttoned the front button of her shorts and as they slipped down her legs she stepped out of them. Wearing just panties, Lauren saw her reach into one of her cubbies and take out a red nightgown. Before she put it on, Judy came over and engaged her in conversation.
This was a perfect time for Lauren to change into her nightie and she quickly got up, took off her shoes and socks and then, after double checking that no one was looking her way, took off her top and put her nightgown over her head. She would leave her bra on underneath the nightie until everyone had gone to sleep, so that no one would see how flat-chested she really was. If anyone asked her why she slept in a bra, she would say that she liked to wear it until she went to bed, just a habit she had gotten into, hoping that this would be considered enough of an explanation.
Joan came back to her bunk and sat down. She took off her shoes and socks and Lauren noticed that the same blue sparkly polish she had on her finger nails she had on her toe nails. Joan must have seen where she was looking since she said, "this is a perfect time to polish your nails."
"That would be so fantastic," Lauren said.
"I have some red polish, but I don't have any pink polish," Joan said.
"Red is OK," Lauren said. "It's my second favorite."
"Good. First we'll do your toe nails and then your fingers," Joan said.
"Would you?" Lauren said excitedly.
"Sure," Joan said, "it's so much fun putting on polish. We can pretend we're at the nail salon." Joan moved over to Lauren's bed and Lauren extended her feet towards her. Working carefully Joan quickly applied the polish to Lauren's toe nails. When she was done, the two girls waited for them to dry and then Joan applied the polish to Lauren's finger nails.
"I can't tell you how excited I am," Lauren gushed. "For so long I've wanted pretty nails, but my mom always said I had to be older."
"You have such long graceful fingers. I'm jealous," Joan said.
Ann, Susan and Judy came over to admire Lauren's nails. Judy was topless and Lauren watched her prominent breasts sway as she stood near by. The girls compared their own polished nails to Lauren's and Joan's and discussed the different colors they preferred.
It had been a long day for everyone and it wasn't long before they one by one retired to their bunks. Lauren surreptitiously watched the girls get ready for bed, making careful notes of things she could do so as to appear no different than anyone else. One thing she would have to remember to do more of was brush her hair since she noticed that every girl spent some significant time doing that before going to sleep.
In short order Marilyn announced "lights out" and the girls got under the covers in their beds and switched off their lamps and iPods. The last thing Marilyn did before turning out lights was to come by Lauren's bed and make sure she had set her alarm clock for 6:00. Lauren had not forgotten. In fact, she had selected panties, a skirt, a bra and top to wear in the morning. When the alarm shook her awake she would grab her clothes, head into the shower room, wash up and then quickly get dressed. Then she would grab her mallet and head out to the gong.
Before Lauren fell into a profoundly deep sleep, she went through the events of this unbelievable day: the packing that morning when she almost slammed the trunk lid on her dad's hand, the bus drive, the haircut at Samantha's that produced Lauren, the kind help of Gus, her encounter with Joan, the trip to the camp, meeting the rest of the girls and settling into her cabin, the swimming, dining, her meeting with the wolves and finally the pleasant time with Joan putting on her polish. Thoughts of all these things swirled around in Lauren's mind. The one feeling she came back to over and over again was the sense of arriving at her true self that came with being a girl. It was a deep seated feeling that reached into her core - the need to be feminine, to express her femininity, to face the world as a girl. Penny's pretty face came to her mind and she felt a slight stab of regret. Yes, Lorin wanted to have Penny as his girl friend, but that was Lorin and she was Lauren. She couldn't see how she would ever want to be masculine, to be an aggressor in the relationship, to be a boy. If only Penny could love her as Lauren then maybe they would have a chance to further develop their budding friendship. These were weighty issues that deserved more thought in the weeks to come. In the meantime, she had the important job of waking up by herself and ringing the camp gong. She had better get to sleep so that she would be refreshed and awake at the first jolt of the alarm clock in the morning.
The next morning Lauren awoke to the insistent shaking of the alarm clock that she had put in the bed next to herself. The sun had not yet risen and Lauren grabbed the clothes she had laid out for herself and silently tip toed into the shower room. She showered, got dressed and precisely set out for the gong at 6:15 holding the mallet in one hand and her clock in the other.
Halfway across the field toward the gong Lauren was startled by the sight of a light brown, furry animal dashing away from her. At first Lauren was scared thinking it might be a mountain lion, but then she calmed herself with the realization that a mountain lion wouldn't run away from her. The animal was more likely a groundhog or something like that, or at least Lauren forced herself to believe that.
With some relief Lauren saw Ms. Rovelstad walking toward the center of the field and the two of them arrived at the gong at the same time.
"Hi, Ms. Rovelstad," Lauren called out.
"Good morning, Lauren," Ms. Rovelstad said as she came up to her.
"I didn't forget!" Lauren said.
"I see that. You seem like the dependable type to me and I'm sure I've made the right choice for gonger."
"Did you see that animal running away?"
"No, what was it?"
"I don't know. I'm hoping it's not a mountain lion!"
"Mountain lion?" Ms. Rovelstad said laughing. "You've got to be kidding!"
"Some of the girls said there might be some here."
"Nonsense, Lauren."
Feeling silly, Lauren looked at the clock. "It's almost time!"
"Go ahead and gong away," Ms. Rovelstad said.
Lauren firmly grasped the mallet and swung it as hard as she could into the large, heavy gong, and it let out a loud ringing sound. She repeated the motion 6 more times.
"Very good," Ms. Rovelstad said, "tomorrow you're on your own!"
"You can depend on me," Lauren said.
"I will, but just in case I do set my alarm..."
Lauren walked back to her cabin and found the girls climbing out of bed to wash up or otherwise getting dressed.
"Great gonging," Marilyn said.
"So annoying," Ann said, "I never like getting up early."
Lauren discretely studied the different ways that the girls readied themselves for the day. She saw Ann lazily comb her hair while sitting up in bed while Thalia jumped out of bed and rushed to the washroom holding a towel. Joan took her nightie off over her head and fumbled around in her cubby for a bra. Lauren watched her put one on, stand up and then search for her hair brush. She had obviously slept without wearing panties. At the other end of the cabin Lauren saw Janet get up just in her panties and hurriedly run to the bathroom clutching what looked to be a box of tampons. There was a small blood stain on the front of her panties. Her period must have just started.
Judy was standing next to her bunk holding a white bra in one hand and a blue one in the other as if trying to decide which one to put on. Her nipples were unusually long and a far cry from Lauren's tiny boy nipples. Lauren wondered if one day she herself would have the nerve to walk across the cabin to the bathroom in just her bra and panties. Well, the panties would not be feasible since she doubted if she could fully hide her oversized "clitoris," but at least she could walk around in her padded bra and shorts. She hoped that that would not raise any suspicions.
Gazing at the girls, Lauren felt a wave of intense envy come over him. She ached to have breasts like theirs, or at least a vagina, or to have a nice rounded derriere. To all the girls in the cabin, being feminine was easy and natural and taken for granted, but for Lauren it was something that could at any second be betrayed. God forbid she should have an erection, but more likely to occur would be a mental breakdown: falling into depression at the hopelessness of her situation, and then maybe a confession to Marilyn or one of the girls. Lauren was an outsider in some ways, no matter how much she had a girl's temperament or demeanor.
Lauren's thoughts returned again to Penny. Maybe being her boy friend was ultimately less frustrating than pretending to be a girl. But now even that possibility was endangered. Surely before the summer was over Lorin's jig would be up. There would be a slip up, a situation where she could not conceal her true sex. She would be sent home in shame or maybe in handcuffs, and the great irony would be that she missed attending the cotillion.
"Let's go to breakfast," Thalia said to her, startling Lauren out of her depressing reverie and reminding her that for the moment she was truly one of the girls. They waited a second for Joan and the three friends filed out of the cabin with the other girls to walk to the dining hall.
Thalia and Joan asked Lauren about the gonging and she told them about how serene and peaceful the camp was at that hour since she was the only person up and about. There had been some animal, perhaps a ground hog but definitely not a mountain lion that had scampered away across the field as Lauren had approached.
During breakfast Marilyn announced that the activity schedule for each day would be posted on the bulletin board outside the cabin door. The girls needed to consult it to determine where they should be at any given time. Regardless of how individual routines might vary, the entire group had to assemble after lunch every day to go swimming in the lake. Every other day after swimming they would stay at the lake to go boating. Of course, Saturday night after dinner there would be a dance with the boys from Camp Dan. Every other week a bus would take the girls to Camp Dan. The first week the dance would be held at Camp Shoni. Sundays were free days where the girls could do whatever activity they wanted whenever they wanted to.
For the most part Lauren's activities were what she had put down on the application and centered on crafts, sewing and a few sports like archery and badminton. Thalia and Joan and other girls from the bunnies had a similar schedule. Lauren was particularly happy that she had been assigned to participate in the camp play. She wasn't exactly sure whether she would try out for an acting part or maybe just work behind the scenes making costumes or sets. She would see how it went as the summer progressed.
Of all the events of the week, it seemed that the dances were the biggest topic of conversation. There was much speculation as to what the boys would be like, how well did they dance, what kind of crushes might they get on the girls or vice versa. Was it OK to have a summer boy friend if you had one back home. The girls related stories about their past experiences with guys. So much of it was about hoping that a particular boy they knew back home would notice them and how they felt if he didn't. A lot of it was about feeling inadequate and klutzy or awkward. Lauren remembered Lorin's first times with Penny and how awkward Lorin had been. It was hard to imagine that Penny was feeling the same way also.
Everyday that went by Lauren felt more comfortable behaving as the kind of quiet girl she felt herself to be inside. She found herself slowing down and becoming more deliberate. Letting the world come to her rather than running about trying to capture the world. She increasingly thought of her body as being that of a girl, a young one who hadn't yet sprouted real breasts. Her nipples often felt slightly tingly and if she squeezed them gently with her fingers they felt especially good.
She thought a lot about the upcoming dance and what she would feel like. She hoped that many of the boys would ask her to dance and that at least one would develop a crush on her. What would she do in that case? She wasn't sure what Lauren wanted. Lorin definitely wanted girls but Lauren was less clear. If by some chance Penny could like her as a girl then Lauren would be pleased to be her girl friend to whatever level it led to. On the other hand, if she was to develop a friendship with just the right sort of boy, maybe she would like that also. It would have to be a boy who was gentle and treated her gently. Of course there was the problem of Lauren's penis: the boys who wanted to pursue Lauren would not appreciate finding out that she was a boy. Did this concern warrant her avoiding the boys? Should she not encourage their friendship? Of course, the more likely possibility was that the guys would find her to be a "skank" and not want to dance with her.
There was also the cotillion at the end of the summer to think about. By then she would know if any of the boys wanted to dance with her or not. If they didn't she might just spend the whole evening sitting in her pretty gown watching the couples dancing and feeling like an ugly duckling. That would not be the nicest way to end the summer and she hoped that at least one nice boy would take an interest in her. With these thoughts increasingly entering her head, Lauren became more and more anxious about the impending first dance of the summer.
Later that week a letter was forwarded to Ms. Rovelstad from Camp Dan on the off chance that she could deliver it to its rightful owner. The letter was addressed to "Lorin Baxter" at Camp "Dah-nes-tsa" with a note scrawled on the envelope: "Amy, you've got a Baxter enrolled. Maybe this is for you?"
That evening Ms. Rovelstad called for Marilyn to join her in her cabin.
"We have a little mystery here that I'm hoping you can help clear it up."
"What's that Amy?"
"Today a letter came to Camp Dan for Lorin Baxter. It's addressed from a girl named Penny."
"I wonder why Lauren's mail is going to Camp Dan and how did they know to forward it here?"
"They know we have a Lauren Baxter here. But that's beside the point. It's not Lauren Baxter, it's Lorin Baxter with Lorin spelled like LO -R-I-N. They have no Lorin Baxter there this summer, though they did for the last five summers."
"That's a remarkable coincidence."
"It's even odder since on the first day of camp there was a phone message for a Lauren Baxter received at Camp Dan that was forwarded to me that I gave to Lauren. The secretary also thought it must be for our Lauren Baxter."
"It's bizarre."
"Since it was a phone message we don't know if it was for L-O-R-I-N or not. Until this letter came I didn't think anything of it. Now, I don't know what to think."
"Maybe this Penny person got the camp names mixed up. You know lots of people find them confusing."
"That may be true but it doesn't explain the L-O-R-I-N does it?"
"You're right. So what are you thinking? That Lauren is Lorin!!! That's outrageous!"
"I know it sounds ridiculous."
"I don't think ridiculous is the right word. Lauren is one of the two or three most feminine girls in the cabin. She's a little angel. To think she's a guy is incredible!"
"I agree with you Marilyn and that's why I'm calling this a mystery. It could be that our Lauren has nothing to do with this Lorin boy. Maybe this girl Penny wasn't told that Lorin wasn't going back to camp this year and maybe our Lauren's mom and dad got the camp names mixed up."
"What should we do?"
"I don't think we should confront Lauren asking her if she is really a girl or not unless we have certain proof," Amy said.
"I agree. She's already so fragile. I often have the feeling that just about anything could make her cry. She's such a tender dear as it is."
"I was mainly thinking 'law suit' if she was indeed a girl. Her parents might not think too kindly about us accusing their daughter of being a boy. On the other hand, if Lauren is a boy, then the parents of all the other girls in his cabin might sue us!"
"Only if they find out!"
"Anyway, all we have right now is circumstantial evidence - it could all just be a lot of nothing."
"I sure hope so."
"I guess if more mail comes for L-O-R-I-N from other people beside Penny it could mean something strange is going on."
"That's true. I'll definitely keep a closer watch on her, though I must say it's not easy to catch her undressed. She is shyer than the other girls - at least I can't remember seeing her walk around in her altogether like the other girls. On the other hand, sometimes you do get shy girls who don't like anybody looking at them."
"Maybe she volunteered to be gonger so she can get dressed alone?"
"She showers every morning by herself - another bit of evidence I guess."
"You could go into the bathroom when she's showering one morning. Pretend you woke up early?"
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll try that."
"Anyway, I just wanted to get your thoughts on all of this. Of course, maybe the best thing would be to never find out the answer to the mystery! Ignorance is bliss."
Marilyn left the office but then returned immediately. "I have trick we could do."
"What's that?"
"Ask her if she knows Penny."
"Good idea. If she knows Penny then she'll have to explain why the letter went to the wrong camp and why it was made out to L-O-R-I-N. Here, take the letter with you. Let me know what you find out."
"I'll do that," Marilyn said.
On Friday morning, Lauren was taking a shower when she was startled by Marilyn's voice, "can I join you?"
Lauren happened to have her back facing the shower doorway and couldn't see her. Just a moment before she had lathered up with soap and her entire front was covered with suds. She turned her head and caught a glimpse of the naked form of Marilyn standing in the doorway.
"I got up early today," Marilyn said staring at Lauren's thin form. Lauren's behind seemed kind of small but her legs seemed effeminate enough.
"Sure, OK!" Lauren said with surprise. As if in a trance, her feelings ricocheted from a sense of total desperation that she had been found out, to fearless resolve that she would be able to find a way to protect her secret. In a fraction of an instant she formulated a plan: she just had to wrap herself up in her towel that was hanging on a hook on the opposite side of the shower from Marilyn. The only trouble was that she was soapy and she would have to rinse off without Marilyn seeing her front. She backed into the stream of water rinsing herself, turned her head to see where Marilyn was looking. By chance Marilyn was putting her own towel on a hook and Lauren lunged through the water splashing the soap off her front while reaching over and grabbing her own towel off the hook and pressing it against her front. Marilyn swiveled around as fast as she could to get a glimpse of Lauren but the remnants of some soap and the towel made the view indecisive.
"You're still soapy," Marilyn said.
"I'll be late to gong," Lauren replied, and ran around Marilyn avoiding the running water. Once out of the stall she rushed to the bench where she had put her clothes. She dried herself as fast as possible and raced to put on her panties and skirt. Just as she got her bra on she heard Marilyn turn off the water. Lauren turned to face Marilyn trying to look and act as relaxed as possible.
Marilyn stood in front of her, large breasts swaying slightly, a full bush of pubic hair and water collecting in a puddle at her feet. Being naked was purposeful: Marilyn watched Lauren's crotch to see if an erection appeared. She hadn't met a man who could stifle an erection in her naked presence. However, nothing seemed to be evident in Lauren's case and she went about drying herself off.
Lauren quickly put on her top and sat down to tie her shoelaces. "I love hitting the gong. It's so much fun."
Marilyn smiled at her. She thought she might have seen a little red something poking up through the suds where Lauren's penis would be, that is, if she had one, but she could just have easily imagined it. She also seemed to have observed that Lauren was flatter than she should have been if she was a girl. Were there breast buds or not? Once again the soap and towel covered just a bit too much to be decisive. The fact of the matter was that Lauren either was the slipperiest little devil she had ever met, or she was truly excited about gonging. Unfortunately, Marilyn would have nothing to report to Amy on that front, though later in the day she planned to surprise Lauren with the letter from Penny and see what happened.
Walking across the field to strike the gong, Lauren attempted to recover from the harrowing experience with Marilyn. Was it an innocent move by Marilyn, or was there forethought? There was a real possibility that Marilyn was suspicious of her identity and Lauren would have to redouble her efforts at keeping her secret. One of her greatest vulnerabilities lay in the inevitable mail that would come to Camp Dan. Already she had accepted the phone message sent to Camp Dan. If letters started coming how would she explain them away? It was particularly incriminating since they would see that they were for "Lorin" and not "Lauren." On the other hand, she wasn't sure that the people at Camp Dan would even think to forward Lorin Baxter mail to Camp Shoni. Hopefully they wouldn't, and if they did, she would have to insist that she didn't know who Lorin Baxter was, no matter how implausible it sounded. Hopefully the first letter would be from someone like Penny so even if they opened it and read it, there wouldn't be some piece of information that would tie the letter to Lauren Baxter. After that they might start putting the Lorin letters in the trash, or sending them back. She could only hope.
As Lauren was striking the gong she had a brilliant idea. She would write letters to herself at camp, putting the return address for people back home. She could use different handwritings to make the letters look different. It was bound to reduce the suspicion surrounding the letters to Lorin at Camp Dan.
While walking back to the cabin she realized that this was too risky: Marilyn would be able to see to whom Lauren was sending letters when she collected the mail each morning. No, a better approach was to write to Beth and beg her to do the job. She could send a whole bunch of mail to her at Camp Shoni. A variety of different letters, in different hand writings from different people. Surely Beth would do it for her. With that mail coming it would prove that the Lorin Baxter mail was intended for someone else.
That afternoon Marilyn slipped the letter for Lorin Baxter at the back of the pile of mail that she was to distribute to the girls during mail call. She would ambush Lauren by calling out her name and handing her the letter. If Lauren knew who Penny was it would be revealed instantly before Lauren had a chance to protect herself.
Marilyn gathered the girls around and called out the names of those receiving letters. The first few were for Eileen who seemed to correspond to a large number of people, then there were letters for Ann, Thalia and Judy. The next letter Marilyn read out nonchalantly, "Lauren Baxter," and then saw that it was from a girl named Beth and indeed it was for L-A-U-R-E-N not L-O-R-I-N. It was a legitimate letter and suddenly she decided not to give Lauren the "Lorin" letter. She would have to tell Amy about the real letter before she did anything that she might regret. If Lauren were a boy, then he might have arranged for a friend to send a letter to Camp Shoni, but then that was getting into the realm of far-fetched. How much cunning was it fair to assign to Lauren before one was acting paranoid?
For her part Lauren was overjoyed to see that she had received a letter from Beth. It could not have come at a more opportune time since it offered her a measure of protection from any suspicion created by Lorin Baxter mail arriving at Camp Dan.
Lauren opened the letter and read:
|
Lauren fought back tears and then laughed thinking about how well Beth knew her: getting a new dress was just about the most fun that Lauren could imagine. She took out her stationary and wrote a long letter to Beth answering her questions and then asking her to send various letters to her from made-up people. Considering the near miss in the shower that morning, the more letters that came for her the better. Once again Lauren began to relax. She had some breathing room and she would take every advantage of it to have fun at camp as the girl that she knew herself to be.
Chapter 12
Lauren had a hard time deciding what she ought to wear to the first dance of the summer. While she knew exactly what she was going to wear to the cotillion, and in fact, checked up on her pretty dress where it hung in the closet nearly every day, there were a multitude of options for dressing for the weekly dances. Finally she decided on her prettiest sun dress, since Joan and Thalia had commented on how much they liked it. Most of the girls in the cabin were wearing skirts and dresses, though a couple decided to wear shorts, mainly because they weren't very happy with the dresses they had brought to camp.
Underneath the dress Lauren wore the padded bra that made her look the fullest - it was one that she had specially saved for the dances - as well as a particularly pretty panty. With the help of Joan she went to great lengths with her makeup to make sure that her eyebrows were thin and graceful and her eyes highlighted with the right amount and color of mascara. She apologized profusely to Joan that she was of no use in helping her: her mom had been such an obstacle to learning how to apply makeup that she knew practically nothing.
Particularly exciting for Lauren was the chance to put on perfume. She had brought with her a special fragrance that she thought was very sexy. She imagined that when wearing it she would be at the center of an irresistible scent that would drive the boys crazy and make them seek her out. Because of her past life as a boy, she thought that only she among the girls truly knew how great an effect perfume could have on them.
Promptly at 7:30 Marilyn gathered the 8 bunnies together, looked them over and declared them to be the prettiest and most lovely girls that had ever been in Camp Shoni. She led them across the field to an old barn that had been converted into a place where the campers could have dances and meet on rainy days for any number of other activities. The floor was of shiny maple and ideal for dancing. Lauren's heart beat a mile a minute as she walked with the others. All those years at Camp Dan she had never been to a dance and now finally she would find out what it felt like to be at one. Since it would also be the first time she interacted with boys as Lauren, the evening had the possibility of being filled with either disappointment or exhilaration. Would the boys find her attractive or would they avoid her? She prayed that with so many boys to choose from, there would be a real possibility that romance could come at any moment.
Inside the barn there was a sound system set up and a DJ. Only for the cotillion would there be live music. On one side of the room there were tables containing sodas and snacks and scattered around the edges of the dance floor were tables and chairs for the campers to sit at. Lauren sat nervously with Joan and Thalia waiting for the boys to arrive. It wasn't long until a few buses pulled up outside the barn and boys began streaming in. Lauren scanned the boys checking to see if Owen was among them. She was worried that Owen could figure out who she really was, particularly if he was to find out what her name was. Avoiding Owen, if he did show up, was something that she would make every effort to do.
The boys were wearing casual clothes and they varied over a considerable range of heights and ages. Some were acting too noisy and their counselors, who had accompanied them, whispered warnings to them that they would be banished from the dance if they didn't act like little gentlemen. The music began playing and Lauren regarded the empty dance floor wondering what would happen next. By the third song, a few girls got up to dance with each other and Lauren saw that one of them was Marcie. She was fearless and quite a good dancer. Since their encounter the first day of camp, Lauren had gone out of her way to be deferential to the stronger girl whenever she passed her during the day or at dinner. For her part, Marcie didn't seem to care much about Lauren one way or the other, though she did once smile with amusement at her, as if Lauren were her cute little sister. Lauren was happy to find out that Marcie was less of the evil bully she thought she was. Perhaps she just liked teasing the bunnies for the pure fun of it.
By the fourth dance, a few of the bunnies got up to dance and Lauren could see that Joan was itching to dance also, so almost spontaneously the friends got up together and began dancing. Joan danced comfortably while Thalia seemed a bit awkward. Lauren, at first very shy, found herself becoming at ease, mainly by copying the steps she saw the other girls doing. Finding the beat had never been a problem for her as Lorin and it was no problem now. Lauren looked at Thalia and Joan and the girls laughed with happiness at the good time they were having.
When the dance ended, one of the counselors from Camp Dan picked up a microphone and exhorted the boys to participate. A few walked over towards the girls as the next song started. They were some of the older boys and Lauren watched with interest as they checked out the girls and finally asked some of them to dance. Once these boys broke the ice, a flood of other boys inched their way over towards the girls. Lauren, Thalia and Joan returned to their seats and engaged in a stilted conversation while they wondered if any boys were going to ask them to dance. Out of the corner of her eye Lauren saw a boy their age come over and stand in front of Joan.
"Dance?" he said.
He was maybe 14 years old, wearing a white shirt and black pants and looking terribly uncomfortable. "Sure," Joan said and got up. It was a fast dance and the two of them set off together mingling with the other dancers. Lauren wondered if this meant that Joan was the most attractive of the three of them. She did have the nicest figure by far and she was pretty so there was little reason to not believe that she would be most sought after. While the guy who had asked Joan to dance was not especially handsome, he was kind of cute as Thalia remarked after Joan had left.
Thalia said, "Wait a few more dances and then all the boys would have gotten to this side. None of them want to be the last one sitting on their side of the gym."
"Just like none of us want to be the last one asked to dance," Lauren said.
"You're so pretty Lauren, you'll have too many boys bothering you before long."
Thalia must have been prescient, since at the start of the next dance, a slow one, a rather tall boy with a few red spots on his face from acne, came up to Lauren.
"Wanna dance?" he said nervously.
"Sure, I'd love to," Lauren said.
Acting as if Lauren were radioactive he indicated to her where to go in the midst of the paired-off dancers. Lauren followed him and the boy awkwardly took Lauren's right hand in his left hand and put his right hand behind Lauren's back. Lauren felt him pull her in towards him a bit and Lauren put her hand across the boy's back. The boy began leading Lauren to the music and she concentrated as hard as she could on responding to whatever dance signals the boy might give her.
Lauren didn't know whether she should say something or not, and then decided that it was up to the boy to start the conversation. The boy was a couple of inches taller than her and she felt his cheek resting against her hair. He was not a particularly skilled dancer, but he did seem to keep with the music. As the dance progressed Lauren felt the boy draw her in a bit closer to him to the point where she felt her breasts were touching the front of his shirt.
"I'm Paul," the boy said without warning.
A bit startled Lauren said, "I'm Lauren."
"Cool," Paul said.
Lauren could tell he was extremely nervous and decided that she ought to put him at ease. That was quite a turnabout for her, since as Lorin she would have been just like Paul in the same circumstances.
"Do you like Camp Dan?" Lauren asked.
"Oh, yeah, it's great, well it's not great it's OK. I mean it's sometimes great, sometimes OK."
Lauren suppressed the desire to laugh. Regardless of how difficult Lauren found this experience, Paul was having a far harder time. There was silence for a minute and Paul said, "do you like camp?"
"Yes, I love it. It's so much fun and the girls are great."
"Wish I could say the same about the guys. Some guys are nice but some guys aren't."
"I guess that covers it," Lauren said, but Paul did not seem to pick up on the joke.
The dance ended and Lauren smiled at Paul. There was an awkward moment and since Paul didn't say anything Lauren sidled back toward where she had been sitting. No boy had asked Thalia to dance and she was seated where Lauren had left her. "You didn't dance?" Lauren asked with concern.
"Lucky me," Thalia said, "I'd much rather do a fast dance."
Joan came back and said, "I saw you dancing Lauren. How was that guy?"
"His name is Paul. I guess he was all right," Lauren said unenthusiastically. "Not exactly easy to talk to."
"That's so often the case," Thalia said. "Most guys I've danced with in a slow dance are about as fascinating as a block of wood." Lauren and Joan laughed. "It's a big reason why I prefer fast dancing, then I don't have to worry about talking at all and it's more fun."
"The guy I danced with is cute, but you're right. It's tough to get a lot of them talking," Joan said.
Another fast dance started and this time guys in quick succession came over to ask Thalia, Joan and Lauren to dance. A short, kind of homely boy with silver braces on his teeth asked Lauren to dance. He flailed his arms hopelessly missing the beat and Lauren used the time to gaze out over the room to see if there were any boys that she should hope would ask her to dance. It was odd that she would be thinking such thoughts, since it was only a little more than a week ago that she had been with Penny in the guise of Lorin. Some of the boys were cute and several Lauren remembered from years past at Camp Dan. None of them seemed to know who she was. One boy on the far side of the room standing by himself looked familiar to Lauren and then she realized that it was Owen. He must have had quite a growth spurt over the winter since his face was longer and he looked to be maybe a foot taller, if that were possible. Clearly, even though Lauren and he were close in ages, Lauren had not entered puberty to any degree close to that of Owen.
Lauren looked away and hoped that Owen would not notice her, or if he did, would not ask her to dance. She did have to admit that Owen was a pretty handsome guy and from what she could see, he had begun the process of taking on a manly build. As soon as the dance was over, Lauren smiled wanly at the guy with whom she had been dancing and hurried off. Almost immediately another song started and Lauren found herself looking at an older boy who, without missing a beat, said, "dance with me." It wasn't so much as a question as an order and Lauren reflexively agreed to the command.
The guy was a skilled dancer and made constant eye contact with Lauren. She found herself looking away coyly and then back at him and finding him still looking at her. "I like the way you dance," the boy said which made Lauren blush. The boy came over closer and right in front of Lauren did some shimmying which made Lauren laugh slightly. The boy laughed also. Over the din of the music he said, "I'm Roy, what's your name?"
"Lauren," Lauren said. The guy twirled around so Lauren was facing his back, then he came around again and worked his way around behind Lauren and then moved himself closer and closer so that he was approaching her from behind. Lauren had seen pictures of girls with their booties shaking over a guy's crotch and figured that was what Roy was up to. It was definitely a suggestive motion and Lauren wondered about the appropriateness of it. Marilyn had told the girls that the camp did not tolerate any overtly sexual dancing styles. The kids would be given one warning and then they'd be banished from the dance.
Lauren swiveled around herself so she was facing Roy. "We have to be careful," Lauren said and then realized that she had given tacit approval to the act, if only under different circumstances. Roy smiled again at her. The dance ended and before Lauren could decide whether she should stay or not, a slow dance started and Roy took Lauren in his arms. He was much stronger and controlling than the first boy she had danced with. Roy led Lauren forcefully and with confidence and Lauren found that it was easiest to let herself go and naturally adapt to his movements. Roy held her pressed up against himself. His arm went securely across her back pushing her into him. Halfway into the dance, he let go of her hand and encircled her back with both of his arms. "You're nice," he murmured, "and I'm crazy about that perfume."
Lauren didn't know what to do. She had little strength with which to resist him or to redirect him into a less intimate position. "Man, that perfume is something else," he said again. She felt him pushing his hips in towards hers and then she had the distinct impression that she felt a sort of hard bump pushing into the lower part of her belly. Could it be his penis she wondered. What else could it be. She felt trapped but also glad, in a strange way, that Roy found her so desirable. It was a new thought, that boys might aggressively want to make sexual advances toward her. She felt so unprepared to deal with it. She would have to talk with Joan and Thalia as soon as the dance was over. It was a long dance and Roy seemed to be taking every advantage of it. Lauren felt like every part of herself was flush up against the larger boy. She could feel a steady pressure from what she was now certain was Roy's excited penis. Any moment she expected one of the counselors to separate them, but judging by many of the other couples around them, the way Roy held her was not that uncommon among the other boys. Finally, the dance ended and she hurriedly said, "thank you Roy, I have to freshen up," and did a little curtsy. She walked back to where she hoped Thalia and Joan would be returning. They reappeared in a second and Lauren said, "do you have to use the ladies room?"
"Definitely," Thalia said and Joan added, "that's a great idea." They picked up their purses which were on the floor next to their chairs and headed off to the bathroom. On the way Joan said to Lauren, "who was that hot boy you were dancing with? He was like all over you!"
"His name is Roy and I don't know what happened. He just sort of wrapped himself around me! I think my perfume drove him crazy!"
"He's really cute. I wouldn't mind it if he came on to me like that, but that would be all he'd get!"
"Exactly," Lauren said relieved that Joan had helped define for her what the limit should be. "I'm sure he'll take whatever he can get, given the chance."
"Boys are so ridiculous," Thalia said, "but then why do we get freaked out if they don't come on to us!"
"Who did you dance with?" Lauren asked her two friends.
"This guy Greg," Joan said, "and then there was Benny and Bob or Rob or something like that."
"I just danced with this boy Owen," Thalia said. "He's really cute."
Lauren wondered if it was "the Owen." She would have to keep a closer eye on Thalia. "I like that we get to dance with lots of different boys."
"That's the way it is now, but after a few weeks I think we may know all the boys. I hope by then there is someone special," Joan said.
"Don't you have a boy friend at home?" Lauren asked.
"Sure, but I think it'll make the summer a lot more exciting to have one here. And then at the cotillion we could be exclusive - sort of like a prom."
Lauren had not thought about this much before, and she realized that she'd probably have to actually think about deciding on a boy she would like to spend the cotillion with. Without a doubt, anything that diminished the excitement of the cotillion had to be avoided if at all possible.
"I liked most of the boys I danced with," Thalia said, "but I do think Owen is special."
Lauren wondered if Thalia were giving her friends a warning to stay away from him. "What if he asks Lauren or I do dance?" Joan said.
"Gosh, I didn't mean to say that he's mine," Thalia said. "Go ahead and dance with him if he asks you. If he ends up with someone else then I suppose it's meant to be!"
Lauren thought to herself that Thalia would have nothing to worry about as far as Lauren was concerned. She was going to make sure that she didn't dance with Owen!
During the dance Amy sidled over to where Marilyn was standing. Together they watched Lauren as she did a fast dance with one of the boys. "That's very pretty dress Lauren is wearing."
"She has very feminine taste," Marilyn said. "I have to admit that she's a girlie girl. I did try our little tricks to see what I could see about her, but they didn't come up with anything. First I sort of burst in on her in the shower, but she happened to be quite well lathered up, particularly on her front and I couldn't see much at all. I didn't get a clear enough look to decide definitely what equipment she's got there so we can't rule out either possibility. Actually, when I thought about it later I was thinking that maybe I did see a little red something poking up out of the suds, but it might just be my imagination. "
"How did Lauren react to you entering the shower?"
"She jumped with surprise, but I did sort of suddenly sneak in, so I think any of the girls would be surprised. The one strange thing was that she immediately rinsed off but kept her back to me the whole time. Once again, it wasn't necessarily because she was hiding something."
"What about the letter?"
"I want to talk to you about that. Today a letter came for Lauren from someone named Beth. It was sent from Lauren's home town. It could be phony I suppose, but I saw Lauren reading it in her bunk and she looked truly absorbed in it. Then she got out her stationary and wrote a letter back to this girl. Anyway, I decided not to give her the L-O-R-I-N letter without first talking to you."
Amy pondered the new information and shook her head. She looked again at Lauren dancing nearby. "She sure dances like a girl. I'm at a total loss what to do now. I suppose we just have to sit tight and wait to see what happens next."
"I can try the shower trick again."
Amy looked at her and smiled. "Wait awhile. A couple of weeks, so we don't come across as too fanatical. Anyway, she'll let down her guard by then and maybe you'll get a clear view."
The song had ended and Lauren was now chatting with Eileen and Judy who had been dancing near her. "Just look at her," Marilyn said. "If that isn't a girl I'm a monkey's uncle." Lauren looked delicate, graceful and ever so girlish to the older women.
Though she didn't reveal it to Amy or Marilyn, Lauren felt aware of the fact that the counselors were looking her way. Just another piece of evidence that they were on to her. Thank goodness for the letter from Beth she thought. Once Beth started sending more letters it might shut down all suspicion, that is, as long as Camp Dan didn't forward any mail. The most damaging letters that could arrive from Camp Dan would be post cards from China signed "Mom and Dad." One would certainly think that the parents of a camper would know which camp their kid was going to!
As long as Lauren put her worries about Ms. Rovelstad and Marilyn out of her thoughts, she was having an absolutely wonderful time at the dance. The boys clearly thought her desirable, there was no longer any doubt about that, since virtually every dance a boy came up to her to ask her to dance. She danced a couple of more times with Roy and even again with Paul who seemed to be loosening up and enjoying himself more. It was grand.
A few times Lauren could see Owen nearby causing her to turn her back toward him and to dance slowly away from his position. Every so often she saw that Owen and Thalia were dancing and she wondered if they were getting into some sort of relationship. If so, it meant that Thalia was bound to bring Owen over to meet her and that that could be a recipe for disaster.
A really cute boy whom she had her eye on asked Lauren to dance a slow dance and she gladly accepted. As they started to dance Lauren said, "I'm Lauren and who are you?"
"I'm Phil. This is my first year at Camp Dan. I think it's a nice environment for helping the maturation process. You know, socialization, socializing. It's important, a main part of networking and thus a useful skill to acquire. Becoming a business titan is who I am. The fast track to success, to acquire a certain formidable base of wealth and, not coincidentally power is my goal."
Phil paused to take a breath and then continued ranting about his ideas on business, politics, adolescence and so on. Lauren tried to keep up but eventually began counting the seconds until the dance would be over. Apparently, being cute did not preclude a boy from being an utter bore and Lauren would have to be a lot more careful what she wished for in the future. It was unbelievable that Phil could not see how rude it was to not include Lauren in the conversation.
Phil was so preoccupied with himself and his endless monologue that he neglected to guide Lauren in the dance and she felt like they were standing still. Lauren looked at the couples around her to pass the time. Joan was dancing with Roy. With some amusement she noticed that Marilyn was dancing with one of the counselors from Camp Dan. Finally, after what seemed like an interminable amount of time the dance ended and Lauren thanked Phil and began walking away.
"I like you," Phil said catching up with her and holding her by the arm, "shall we dance again?"
Surprised, Lauren didn't know what to say and the opportunity to make up an excuse passed. Lauren resigned herself to one more dance during which time she would prepare herself to get away. As the music started however, out of nowhere Marcie came up to them and said, "I need to talk to Lauren."
"Oh? Really?" Phil said bewildered.
"Yes," Marcie said assertively, "come with me Lauren," and she led Lauren away.
Phil called out, "Later?"
Lauren smiled back at him and said nothing. She couldn't imagine what Marcie wanted with her and said, "What are going to do to me?"
"Chill Lauren. I'm not as evil as you think. Like I said I would, I've been keeping my eye on you and I couldn't help but notice that you were sinking into the Phil trap. I had to rescue you."
Lauren's expression showed incomprehension and Marcie continued, "Girls have to look out for each other, particularly with creeps like Phil alias Mr. Motor Mouth. He's such a moron that I couldn't stand by and let you get sucked in."
Lauren laughed and said, "That's so kind of you. I had no idea that you..." What she wanted to say was "gave a shit about me" but instead said, "that you were willing to help out a bunny."
"You're right, I shouldn't help the bunnies, but there is something about you that needs watching so I might as well help you out if I have to."
"Gosh," Lauren said, "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. The lesson for today is that you have to learn to stick up for yourself. You have the upper hand with boys, even if they might dominate physically. You have what the guys want. So take control."
One of the older boys came over and asked Marcie to dance. "All right Bob, in a minute" she said. To Lauren she said, "do you get what I'm saying little bunny."
"I think so. Thanks, Marcie," Lauren said.
"Good," Marcie said and she and Bob walked away. Lauren saw Joan sitting in her chair and walked over to her and sat down next to her. The short boy with braces who had danced with Lauren earlier came up to ask her to dance again, and she declined saying she wanted to rest a little. The boy then asked Joan and she said the same thing. He then walked away looking for another girl to ask. Not far from them Marcie and Bob were dancing. Marcie was a terrific dancer. Though her athleticism was evident, her shapely body moved with grace and feeling.
"That Marcie is amazing," Lauren said.
"Marcie?" Joan said.
Lauren pointed to her. "So that's Marcie," Joan said. "She's the head of the wolves from what I heard. Someone said she's so tough it's like she could be a guy pretending to be a girl!"
"You're kidding!" Lauren said blushing.
"I also heard a rumor that last year she snuck out of her cabin one night and met up with one of the guys from Camp Dan."
Lauren said. "Isn't that enough to get you kicked out of camp?"
"Yeah, but the counselors never caught her doing it."
"She stopped me the other day when I was walking back to the cabin. She teased me about being a bunny. It was even kind of scary, but now I think she's actually pretty nice."
"Why's that?"
"I was just dancing with this guy Phil. He was going on and on and on about himself and his business philosophy or something like that. I couldn't understand it, it was miserable. And then I couldn't get away from him when the danced ended and suddenly Marcie intervened."
Joan laughed, "You better point him out to me when you get a chance! I don't understand guys like that. Where do they get their egos from?"
"Exactly," Lauren said, "they're not really interested in us as people."
"They just want our bodies!"
Lauren started to laugh and then stopped when she realized that the statement was also true for her, though perhaps in a different way from most guys.
Joan saw Thalia in the distance dancing with Owen again. She said, "look over there it's Thalia with Owen again. It looks like they're making a connection."
"Really?" Lauren said. "I guess Thalia is lucky."
"Maybe, maybe not. I think it's better to wait a few weeks before letting any guy think he has you. You get to meet everyone little by little. If you couple off early and things don't turn out nice, like they usually don't, then you have a lot of weeks you have to avoid them at the dances. It can get ugly."
In front of them a tall lanky boy was doing a fast dance with one of the older girls. She had on tight jeans and Lauren watched how she moved her pretty butt to the music. If Lauren grew up to have a butt like that she'd be the happiest girl in the world.
When the dance ended the DJ announced that the next dance was a "ladies choice." Lauren blushed and said, "what do we do?"
"Let's get us some hunks," Joan said in a silly voice causing Lauren to laugh.
"Yeah, let's go!" Lauren added.
Joan got up and Lauren followed her as she moved around the dance floor. Lauren could see that some of the girls were approaching guys here and there asking them to dance. Nearby they saw Thalia starting to dance with Owen.
"Thalia must have asked Owen," Joan said.
"I hope it works out for her," Lauren said.
"Do you see any hot guys?" Joan asked.
"I'm looking them over," Lauren said.
"What about those two tall dreamy guys over there," Joan said, indicating two of the older boy campers. "You take one and I'll get the other!"
"Do you really think so?" Lauren said. They were definitely among the two hottest boys at the dance.
"No problemo!" Joan said.
Bolstered by her friend's self-confidence, Lauren said, "sure, let's do it!" and the two girls made their way over to the boys.
When they got there Joan said, "the two of us want to dance with the two of you."
"Oh, do you now," one of the guys said. "I'm Fred and this is Brian."
"And I'm Joan and this is Lauren," Joan said.
Lauren smiled with amusement as the two guys checked she and Joan out. Finally Brian coming up close to Lauren said, "Fred, I'll take this cute one if you take that cute one."
"Deal," Fred said and he and Joan together with Lauren and Brian walked to the center of the dance floor and began dancing.
Lauren decided that Brian must be some kind of athlete since there was a solidity and tautness to him that she felt the moment he held her and she put her arms around him. Unlike Roy who had overwhelmed her by practically crushing her body, Brian enveloped her solely through his muscular presence. She had the distinct feeling that Brian could snap her in two like a twig if he wanted to, but yet there was a gentleness to the way he firmly guided her around the dance floor.
"You're a good dancer," Brian said after a minute.
"You're not so bad yourself."
"Just, not so bad? That's it? Ouch!"
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!" Lauren said with mock horror. Even though she had been dancing with boys in the role of a girl just for a couple of hours, she had already caught on to how boys liked to tease girls.
Brian pulled back to look in Lauren's face only to see that she was laughing. "I had you so fooled," Lauren said.
"You're a funny girl. I like funny girls."
Lauren smiled to herself and found that Brian had changed his position slightly so that she ended up snuggling closer to him. "What sport do you play?" Lauren asked without even thinking that she should first ask to see if he even played a sport.
"Football, and some lacrosse too."
"Wow," Lauren said.
"I'm a tight end on the varsity. I'll be a senior next year. What about you? What sport do you play?"
Lauren laughed. "I'm not very good at sports. It's so funny that you think that I am."
"I was being polite," Brian said and this time it was Lauren's turn to find out if he meant it as a joke or not. "I had you this time."
Lauren liked Brian. "You're easy to talk to," Lauren said. Brian smiled at her. It was suddenly clear that Brian never had trouble getting girls. He probably got every girl he wanted. Whether he would want Lauren or not was not clear. If he did then it would be up to him to show it and Lauren would just have to wait to find out.
The dance ended and Fred came back with Joan and the four of them stood together. Lauren had seen Fred and Joan in a tight embrace as they danced and she wondered if it meant anything. A fast song started and the two guys this time asked the girls to dance.
While she danced Lauren wondered if Brian would have ever asked her to dance on his own. For her own part, she did vaguely remember seeing him earlier in the evening, but had filed him away as being too old and, she had to admit, too hot for her. Thank goodness Joan had more courage than she. She wondered if Brian had seen her earlier and thought her too young for him. Anyway, it certainly didn't seem to matter much now. She and Joan were having so much fun dancing with them and the two guys looked like they were also having a good time. It was definitely going to be a highlight of the evening.
When the song ended, the DJ said that there was time for one more dance, a slow one. Brian and Fred showed no sign of wanting to leave the girls and then they wordlessly took Lauren and Joan in their arms and the two couples resumed dancing. This time Brian put both of his arms across Lauren's back and pressed her gently into him. Lauren held him tightly herself, putting one hand on the back of his neck and enjoyed the intimacy. The lights lowered slightly and then some more. Lauren closed her eyes and then as if in a dream she felt Brian's lips on hers. He kissed her gently and she found herself kissing him back. They moved slowly in the dark in a tight embrace, every so often exchanging another kiss. Lauren wondered if Brian could feel her breasts pressing against his chest. She could feel his fingers slowly tracing the outlines of her bra where it lay across her back and then she felt his hand sinking onto her butt. Something in her mind was telling her to stop him but another place in her mind didn't want to disrupt the wonderful moment and she let it evolve as it would. The thought that her body could give pleasure to Brian seemed to be the culminating idea of the evening and a clear signal that she was seriously becoming a girl at every emotional level. She wished the moment would never end, but finally the lights gradually increased in intensity until they were fully on. Lauren and Brian loosened their hold on each other.
A counselor took the microphone and directed the boys to return to the bus. "I hope we'll see you next week," Fred said to the girls.
"That might be arranged," Joan said.
"I'll have to check my calendar," Lauren said.
"You two are priceless," Brian said.
The two guys said "bye" and the girls watched as they left for the bus. When they were out of view, Joan and Lauren retrieved their purses and met up with Thalia.
"Wow, what a night!" Lauren exclaimed as they walked slowly back to their cabin. The air was balmy and slightly humid and Lauren breathed it in deeply feeling more alive and filled with happiness - as Lauren - than she had been so far.
"Did you make a connection with that last boy you were dancing with?" Thalia said.
"Brian? I think so. I hope so," Lauren said. Later that night, when the lights were out and she was under the covers, she was going to let herself remember every wonderful detail about Brian. Just the thought that those memories were there waiting to be remembered made Lauren feel giddy with happiness.
"Lauren!" Joan said. "You better slow down, way down!"
"What do mean?" Lauren asked, puzzled.
"Brian and Fred may still want to hang with us next week, but don't count on it. They could very well not dance with us at all. They could easily find some other girls to play around with."
"But, I thought they were crazy about us!"
"You've got a lot to learn about boys!" Joan said. "They'll act any way they have to to get what they want!"
Crestfallen, Lauren fought back tears. Joan put her arm over Lauren's shoulders. "I didn't mean to disappoint you, but you obviously haven't had too many experiences. It's better you go into a relationship with Brian with no delusions that it's something other than what it is."
"But Joan, you don't really know that," Thalia said feeling sorry for Lauren, but also worrying about her own situation with Owen.
"You're right Thalia, I don't know, and it could end up being really nice, it's just that I think Brian and Fred are the kind of guys who just like to have fun. They probably like lots of girls and especially playing with new ones all the time. Anyway we'll find out next week."
"I suppose you're right," Lauren said, "but can't I still hope?"
"Sure Lauren," Joan said.
"Don't you feel Fred is really hooked on you? You were dancing so close!"
"I think he was hooked on me for that dance. I don't know about next week. I think we should focus on who we like among the boys and then maybe if we're lucky one of the ones we like also likes us. The three of us danced with a bunch of different guys and I bet some of them right this minute are worrying if we'll be willing to dance with them next week."
"I know you're right," Lauren said. "Marcie told me that girls have the upper hand in a relationship and we shouldn't forget it."
"Right," Joan said. "Pinning away about Brian or Fred is useless. Let them pine away about us!"
"I don't know," Thalia said, "I'm pretty sure that Owen will be thinking about me all week, but I'm also sure that I'll be thinking about him too."
"He's our age so it's a whole different story. Brian and Fred are older. I think it makes a big difference," Joan said.
"Still, I guess it doesn't really matter," Lauren said. The rest of her thought which she didn't say was that at least she had had this night. A wonderful night with boys making her feel like a girl. It was a new idea to her that boys could have such a big effect on her feeling feminine, but it was true. Their desire for her made her feel like a real girl, not just a pretend girl. Perhaps it was their desire for her body, for the chance to hold her. The special way they took in her perfume and let their lips and nose rest against her hair. Lauren had had all of that this night and most especially with Brian whose manly presence seemed to bring out what was most feminine in her. She decided that regardless of what Joan or Marcie might say, she would still allow herself the luxury of fantasizing about Brian. If next week she was hurt, that would be next week and she would deal with it then.
End Part IV
To Be Continued...
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 5
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 5
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
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Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 13
On Monday morning Marilyn announced that she would be holding auditions for the camp play that afternoon. Due to unforeseen circumstances, namely, the interference of the camp director, they would be putting on a production of "A Chorus Line" and not "Oliver". It was clear to the girls that Marilyn was none to happy about the switch: she had a perfect "Oliver" picked out from among the younger campers, but Ms. Rovelstad preferred shows with dancing and a better balance of girl and boy parts than were in Oliver. She felt that Oliver was mainly a boy's play. Marilyn had argued with her about it to no avail and so the switch was made. As far as Lauren was concerned, however, the news could not have been better. She could easily see herself as one of the girls in the chorus line and she would do her best to audition for such a part. It would be so much fun to wear a little dance outfit and perform in synchronization with some other girls.
Joan was also interested in auditioning but Thalia was not. The two friends cajoled Thalia to at least volunteer to do one of the non-acting jobs and it didn't take too long for Thalia to agree - but she definitely would not do any acting.
"It's so great," Lauren said. "We can go together every day and it'll be so much fun."
Joan was equally excited. "I want to get the role of Cassie. I felt so sorry for her when I saw it on Broadway."
"That's a bigger part than I want," Lauren said, "I'd just be happy to be one of the girls who auditions and maybe one who gets into the cast."
"We could end up being chosen as boy dancers," Joan said.
"Yuck!" Lauren said, "the last thing I want to be is a boy."
She had reacted a bit too forcefully and she worried that maybe Joan or Thalia would think her odd.
"It's just acting the part of a boy. It's not actually being a boy," Joan said and then she and Thalia laughed. Joan continued, "anyway, while I don't want to be a boy I think it would be kind of cool to walk around being a boy for awhile. Having a boy's muscles, not having a period."
"Not having to worry about what we look like," Thalia added, "and especially not having to worry about the size of our boobs all the time."
"Just not having to wear a bra would be so great," Joan said.
"Exactly," Thalia said.
Lauren looked at the two of them in disbelief wondering if they were just trying to tease her, but they sure looked serious. It was weird listening to them since she herself thought that wearing a bra had to be one of the most fun things a girl gets to do.
"Well I think it's nice to be a girl and I'd rather work on the costumes or something rather than have to even act the part of a boy," Lauren said.
"I really doubt that Marilyn would pick you to be a boy. You're definitely one of the bunniest of the bunnies!" Joan said.
Lauren took that as a high compliment and the three girls left to pursue their first activity of the day. Each felt more than a little trepiditious as to what they would end up doing for the camp production.
That afternoon, Lauren, Thalia and Joan along with Eileen, Janet and Ann from their cabin, went to the barn that doubled as a theatre for the camp productions. Lauren had her heart set on being one of the girl dancers and she surveyed the competition. More than two dozen girls had shown up including Marcie and some of her friends. Lauren waved at Marcie and she nodded her head slightly in recognition. When all the girls were assembled, Marilyn made an introductory speech in which she emphasized that everyone would get something to do in or for the play. In fact, some of them might even have multiple jobs. Marilyn insisted that all the girls audition for a part, even those who didn't want one.
She separated the girls into those who could claim to have had a lot of acting or dancing experience and those who had not. In the first group was Joan who had studied ballet since she was five years old. While the girls from the second group watched, Marilyn divided the girls from the first group into three rows and showed them some dance steps and then had them repeat the steps back to her. Marilyn took notes on a clipboard and made nice comments about everyone. It was plain as day to Lauren that a few of the girls were very, very, good, in particular, Joan. There was also a girl Toni from Marcie's cabin who was probably the best dancer of all.
When they were done auditioning, Marilyn had them step aside and then coaxed the remainder of the girls to form several rows. "You've watched the other girls enough so that you should be able to copy what they did," she said, and then turned on the music and had them dance. Fortunately for Lauren she had concentrated hard on how Joan had been dancing and felt that she could easily imitate the movements herself. A number of the girls in her group had two left feet and Lauren gained more and more confidence in what she was doing. She might not be up to the level of Joan and certainly the girl Toni, but she could dance rings around some of the other girls in the group. It was exhilarating to be a girl and dancing like a girl - utterly free and unselfconsciously, and especially without boys around, since they always made her feel like she had to watch what she was doing.
Marilyn offered comments to the different girls and to Lauren she said, "you surprise me again Lauren. You've got a wonderful sense of rhythm and timing." The surprise was that she couldn't imagine that a boy could dance as gracefully and effeminately as Lauren. It was obviously just Amy's paranoia that had led to her own suspicion about Lauren being a boy.
After the auditions were over, Marilyn said, "well I guess this is a case of life imitating art, since just like the show you auditioned for, I now have to decide who gets what parts. The cast has 16, some acting parts, some dancing parts and of these eight will make the final cut in the show, and there are 30 of you. Those who don't get a part I hope will stay to work on the sets and costumes."
"I want Toni to play Cassie. She's performed semi-professionally at dinner theatre near her town and it certainly shows in her polish and skill. I think we are all very lucky she happens to be here this summer." Toni blushed and excitedly clapped her hands together and then profusely thanked Marilyn.
Lauren stole a glance at Joan to see how she took the news that she wouldn't be Cassie, but if she was feeling anything she didn't show it.
"Eileen will make a fine Larry, Zach's assistant," Marilyn continued. "Zach's voice will go to Jeanette and Marcie is a natural for Mike one of the principal dancers."
She proceeded to assign parts for the rest of the male dancers, Mark, Gregory, Don, Richie and Paul. She then started to say who would be the girl dancers. She assigned Joan the role of Sheila, and then gave the parts of Maggie, Kristine, Diana, Judy and Connie. As each part was given out without hearing her name being called, Lauren felt more and more fearful that she wouldn't get a dancing part. She felt flushed with embarrassment for being so naive as to think she could actually get the part of a girl dancer ahead of real girls.
There was only one part left and about a dozen girls who hadn't been called. Some like Thalia were happy to not be asked to act. After a pause where Marilyn seemed to be weighing each of the remaining girls carefully she said. "The last part is that of Val. She's notable for having had implants to help her chances for getting a part." Marilyn suddenly turned to Lauren and said, "Lauren, I think you'd be a great Val. You've got a good frame for the part. You'll have to wear falsies; I mean big falsies and a larger bra to hold them. I hope you won't mind, will you?"
When the reality of what Marilyn had said sank in, Lauren shrieked in excitement and ran up to Marilyn and hugged her. Barely comprehending the part about having to wear large fake boobs she said, "oh, it's no problem at all!" Marilyn looked at her, smiled, and thought to herself, "mark me surprised, the little bugger will just love to have big tits. Whether boy or girl or whatever Lauren is, this is the perfect revenge to Amy. If Lauren really is a boy, having him dressed up in falsies will be a nice extra little reason for Amy to squirm. No Oliver, indeed!"
After a final discussion about how often they would rehearse and what the girls needed to do to prepare for the play, Marilyn dismissed them for the day. As they walked back to their cabin, Thalia congratulated Joan and Lauren for getting great parts. "I'm so happy she didn't try to con me into acting or dancing," Thalia said.
"I so wanted to be Cassie," Joan said, "but Toni was so fabulous. I'm happy to settle for the part of Sheila. It's so nice that both Val and Sheila make the cut so we'll be doing a lot of dancing together!"
"It's so weird that ..." Thalia started to say and then stopped.
"What?" Lauren asked her.
"You know that Marilyn wants you to wear falsies."
"It's just that Val is the girl who represents how much girls have to sacrifice to men to get ahead!" Joan said. "It's important she be really big, and I don't think any of us are big enough naturally."
"I don't mind at all," Lauren said with some emotion. She was worried that somehow one thing might lead to another and Marilyn would change her mind either about Lauren being Val, or about making her wear the larger bra.
"It's OK," Thalia said, "I was thinking that you might find it really uncomfortable."
"Maybe," Lauren said, "but I think I ought to give it a chance."
"My older sister told me about a guy she knows who wears big boobs all the time. He thinks he's a girl. Ewwww! It's really weird!" Joan said.
"Oh, yuck!" Thalia said.
"Bizarre!" Lauren said and pretended to laugh. It was a bit of shock to find out that her two best friends at camp felt that way. On the other hand, it was hard to know what would be the natural reaction of most girls to boys who envied them and wanted to be girls. Probably Penny would act the same way as Joan and Thalia. Even if most girls had a bad first reaction, Lauren felt for sure that once they got to know the boys better they would not find them to be yucky at all. A boy who wanted to have breasts was probably not even a boy at all - just someone who looked like a boy.
Lauren continued, "I don't think it's weird for a girl to wear falsies. I mean if it gives her a better shape." From the looks on Joan and Thalia's faces it seemed clear that they interpreted her remark as being the natural belief of any flat-chested girl.
Lauren felt a bit dejected and fell behind Joan and Thalia as they walked. As it turned out Marcie was nearby and Lauren fell into step walking next to her. "Good luck with your boobs," Marcie said.
Lauren gave her a pained look and Marcie added, "I didn't mean anything by that."
"I can't tell if you like me or dislike me," Lauren said. "I mean at first you scared me and then at the dance you were very nice to me. So I don't know what to make of what you're saying." Lauren amazed herself at her frankness.
Marcie laughed and said, "you're right. At first I did want to scare you. But there was something about you that I liked. It's hard to say for sure. While you're the kind of girl that sets back the women's lib movement, you also seem to be determined to be who you are. I respect that. Don't take it the wrong way, but there is something about you that reminds me of the way guys are."
Lauren's eyes widened in surprise. Marcie was watching Lauren's face and waited for her to say something, but instead Lauren kept quiet. "Like the way you volunteered to be gonger," Marcie said, "that's a guy thing."
"I like getting up early," Lauren protested.
"There isn't a girl in the camp who wouldn't sleep till noon if she had the chance," Marcie said.
"So would boys," Lauren said.
"You don't know that," Marcie said.
"Are you happy with the part you got?" Lauren said changing the subject.
"As a matter of fact I am."
"You don't mind being a boy?"
"Mind? I think it's cool, cause I get to slobber over girls like you. Especially when they have big boobs."
Lauren could tell Marcie was joking with her, but it definitely stung to know that she only had big boobs because she could put them in her bra. "You're lucky that you're so pretty and have a great figure," Lauren said.
"You're very pretty Lauren. You know that."
"But I have to be Val to get a figure," Lauren said, sounding dejected. It wasn't totally intentional, but it came out that way.
"Don't feel bad," Marcie said and she put her arm around Lauren's shoulder, "some girls develop later than others, but even more important it doesn't really matter. Just be yourself. That's what counts."
Lauren was surprised by the show of affection and said, "I'm sorry Marcie. I think I like you a lot."
They walked that way all the way to Lauren's cabin where Marcie finally took her arm off her shoulder. "See you at the first rehearsal," Lauren said and Marcie smiled at her.
The next night at dinner, Amy asked Marilyn how the play was going. "Just fine, we've got a lot of nice dancers."
"And what about our friend Lauren?"
"She's got a part in the play. She dances well enough to deserve the role."
"I wasn't referring to whether she's in the play. I was wondering if you've seen anything new about her."
"No, not really."
"What about her mail?"
"She's gotten a bunch of letters."
"I've got to check with Camp Dan if they've gotten any more mail for Lorin Baxter. Maybe you ought to open up the letter for Penny and see what it says."
"OK, I guess that makes sense. Maybe there is a clue on how to get it to its rightful owner."
Back at the cabin, Marilyn saw that the girls were sitting in small groups talking. Thalia, Joan and Lauren were together as usual. She took out Penny's letter and opened it up, and read:
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The letter continued on telling about what she was doing and other mundane details. It was signed, "Loving and missing you, Penny."
Marilyn reflected on what she had read. She vaguely remembered seeing Lauren wearing a salmon colored blouse. She'd have to keep closer watch for it or maybe even search her things the next chance she got. In any event, she would definitely not tell Amy about what she had discovered.
Two days later at the first rehearsal, Marilyn gave out costumes. For Lauren it was a cute light blue leotard with a short skirt, not all that different from her swimming suits. Marilyn also gave her and the other girls tights and dance shoes in light colors that matched their dance outfits. For the girls who were to play the parts of boys, Marilyn had black pants and different colored tee shirts for them to wear.
While the girls were changing into their costumes, Marilyn took Lauren aside and pulled out a large, white bra from a storage bin.
"I think it's a 34D. That should fit you, shouldn't it?"
"Oh, sure," Lauren said, "all my bras are 34, but not D!"
Marilyn laughed, "I should say!" and while she continued rummaging around in the bin she said out loud to herself, "we'll soon take care of that!" Then, one at a time she removed two large life-like silicone breast forms. "These babies are for you too!" she said.
"Oh my gosh," Lauren said, amazed at the large, heavy breast forms.
"Is this a problem for you?" Marilyn asked, "I could pick another girl to be Val?"
"Oh, no!" Lauren practically yelled and then calmly said, "I was just a little surprised at how large they are, but I'm sure I won't have a problem with them."
"Good. In fact, you might as well wear them every rehearsal so you get used to dancing in them," Marilyn said, and then added, "I suppose it also wouldn't hurt if you wore them as often as you can."
"All the time?" Lauren said.
"Yes, well, only if you want to."
Suddenly Lauren thought that Marilyn was implying that it would do her good to always wear the breast forms and she said, feeling anxious, "you think I'm too flat-chested?"
"No honey, no," Marilyn said, "it's just that I think it'll make you a better Val to be in the part all the time."
To be truthful Lauren did not believe her, but considering how nice the thought was of having larger breasts for the rest of the summer she knew she wouldn't protest. "But there is only the one bra. I don't think these will fit in my own bras! And what about the dances?"
Marilyn reached in the draw and pulled out a second bra that was similar to the first, but a bit fancier with more lace on the cups and little bows at the top of the straps and at the center gore. "Voila, you can wear this bra when the other is being laundered. And you're right, the boys will notice the difference from last week and tease you mercilessly, so I definitely think you better not wear them to the dances."
"OK," Lauren said taking the second bra from Marilyn.
"Now run along and change!"
Lauren entered the dressing room while most of the girls were on their way out. She went into a corner and as was her habit back at the cabin, she shyly faced the wall and changed out of her own bra into the lacier of the white bras Marilyn had given her. None of the other girls saw how flat she was during the half minute that she was braless during the exchange. The white bra fit her fine, in fact, in some ways it was more comfortable than the bras she had brought to camp. She contemplated the large breast forms, trying to decide which one went in which bra cup. They had clearly delineated nipples that stuck up ever so slightly and she wondered if they would be visible through the bra.
Finally she made a decision and put one in one cup and the other one in the other cup. The transformation to her small body was remarkable and she felt like she was immense and ever so much more feminine than she had felt before. It was a kind of overwhelming feeling of being consumed by her female side as if she had taken the very last step toward becoming a bona fide girl. She closed her eyes and let herself feel the wonderful heaviness of the breasts pulling on her chest. Happiness surged inside her and she felt ever so much more confidant that the path she had chosen was the right one - indeed, it was the only one. The many questions that had plagued her about what would happen at the end of the summer now seemed to be answered. She would remain a girl. She would have to. Someway, somehow, she would never let herself be parted from this feeling of her true female self.
Lauren sat down and put the light blue tights on. Then she stepped into the light blue dance leotard with the little skirt and pulled it up to her waist. She put her arms in the sleeves and pulled it up. The neck opening got caught on her bra and she had to wriggle a bit until she got it past the large protuberances. Once on, Lauren straightened it out, arranging the skirt and the shoulders and pressing the fabric against her large bosoms. She sat down again and put on the ballet shoes.
"Are you coming?" she heard Marilyn call to her and Lauren ran out of the changing room. Completely beyond her control she burst into the biggest smile she had ever had in her life.
"How does it fit?" Marilyn asked.
"It's so comfortable!"
"Is the weight a problem? Are they too heavy?"
"Oh, no, I don't think so," Lauren said.
"Good. Go and join the other girls."
Lauren ran to join the other girls on stage. All heads turned when she came out, most especially the girls from her cabin that were blown out by her incredible figure. Lauren felt like a million bucks inside and so happy she could melt.
A smile crossed Marilyn's face as she watched Lauren literally bursting with joy and frolicking around in her cute pale blue outfit. She was so going to love it when Amy got to see the new Lauren.
Marilyn handed out scripts to the girls and began the task of teaching them the dance numbers. To some extent she had to force herself to become enthusiastic, since her planning for so long had been to do "Oliver." But the obvious delight the girls took in dancing eventually won her over. There was no reason why she and the girls should not have as good a time as possible and she made a real attempt to get the girls to dance in unison with as much style as possible.
Marilyn lined up the dancers who would be girls on one side of the gym and those who were to be boys on the other. "You all need to partner off, so spend a few minutes and decide who will dance with whom."
Lauren eyed the "boy" dancers and saw that Marcie was looking directly at her and in an instant she knew that Marcie would be her partner. Happily she walked toward Marcie and the two of them announced to Marilyn that they would be paired off. There was something about Marcie that made Lauren feel safe. Perhaps it was the fact that Marcie was so decisive and seemed to know how to do everything. It was a similar way with Penny, who knew what music she liked, what clothes to wear, what she wanted to do with her time. Neither Marcie nor Penny seemed to sit around worrying about who would be their friends, or if they were liked. It freed up a lot of their time to just live and Lauren wished she could reach a place just like that someday. When she was with a girl like Marcie or Penny then she always knew what she should be doing and she did not have to worry about anything.
"Now that you all have partners," Marilyn said as she looked around the room, "I want you to dance together and to help each other learn the routines. That's the point of pairing off - watch each other and make sure your partner isn't making any mistakes." The girls nodded their agreement and Marilyn began the process of teaching them the dance steps she wanted them to know. After she walked them all through the first dance number five times, she then let the partners practice it again and again helping each other. Both Marcie and Lauren were pretty good at memorizing the steps and it wasn't long until they were dancing together in unison having a wonderful time.
After an hour of practice, Marilyn had each of the couples perform the routine in front of her. When it was Marcie and Lauren's turn they danced the whole number together flawlessly and when they were done Lauren curtsied and Marcie bowed. Marilyn complimented them on their rapid progress and the two of them ran off laughing together. As they collected their breaths they walked together toward the far reaches of the barn and sat down on a bench behind a clothing rack containing costumes. Lauren was exhilarated by the activity and the fact that it had gone so well at the start. She saw Marcie looking at her smiling and she laughed when Marcie moved over on the bench and gave her a hug. Lauren then put her arms around Marcie and hugged her back. Marcie held her tightly for longer than a moment and Lauren was surprised when Marcie seemed to continue to hold her without let up. Lauren could feel their breasts pressing against each other, in fact, Marcie was purposefully pushing her own breasts hard against Lauren's.
"Marcie!" Lauren said finally and the stronger girl pulled back, still smiling at her.
"You dance very well," Marcie said.
"Thanks, and you do too," Lauren said and wondered if she had put a meaning to their hug which hadn't actually been there.
They could hear Marilyn calling the girls to assemble for a final word before they were to be dismissed, and Marcie and Lauren got up and joined the others.
That night in the dining hall, Amy noticed the improvement to Lauren's figure. Lauren had been thoroughly enjoying the increased attention she had been getting from the other girls. Even though everyone knew that her boobs were phony and that the reason she was allowed to wear them was to help prepare for the camp show, it nonetheless aroused endless comments and discussion among the girls. To some extent it was due to how exotic Lauren looked - she was after all somewhat slight of frame so the large projecting breasts made her look like a starlet in a B movie.
Lauren was carrying her tray of turkey and mashed potatoes back to her table when Amy looked up and saw the remarkable sight. The combination of the pink bunny shirt and breasts was more than a little risqué and Amy was perplexed as to how this had happened. When desert was just about over she walked over to Lauren's table and said to Marilyn, "what's going on here?" indicating Lauren with a movement of her head. Marilyn played dumb and said, "what do you mean Amy?"
"You know what I mean. One of your campers has had a remarkable transformation!"
"Oh, you mean Lauren's breasts?" Marilyn said and to Lauren she directed, "Tell Ms. Rovelstad what you're doing."
"I'm playing Val in the camp production of Chorus Line. She's had implants," Lauren said.
Seeing that Amy did not fully understand, Lauren added, "I'm wearing a bigger bra that holds my breast forms. I'm getting more and more into the role of Val."
"You are, are you?" Amy said and then to Marilyn she said, "could I see you after dinner?"
Marilyn smiled at her and said, "but of course."
To Lauren Amy said, "it looks like you're having a lot of fun with the role. You better hadn't strain your back, carrying that much weight around."
Lauren and the girls around her laughed, and she said, "I won't."
When the girls had left the dining hall to return to their cabin, Marilyn sidled over to where Amy was finishing her dinner. "What can I do for you boss," Marilyn joked.
"You know very well," Amy said, "why in the world did you assign a part like that to Lauren? I mean we aren't even sure that she's a girl!"
Marilyn feigned dumbness. "Gosh, I didn't think about that. It did seem like a good part for her."
"Then why give her the falsies? And why such big ones? And a bra as well? I mean what were you thinking?"
"I'm sorry. I assumed that we have to consider her a girl until proven otherwise. In that case, she seemed like a good Val, since she's among the most effeminate of the girls that auditioned."
"All right, all right," Amy said, "but keep a close watch on her, will you?"
"Sure," Marilyn said brightly. As she walked back to the cabin she knew that she wouldn't spend any more of her time trying to find out the truth about Lauren. Let Amy do it if she wanted to know the truth so bad!
Chapter 14
Every day that passed, Lauren felt slightly more guilty about not yet having written to Penny. Of course, Lauren had not yet gotten a letter from her either, but that was only because Penny would have been sending her letters to Camp Dan. Lauren imagined that Penny was probably already hurt about not getting a letter since it implied that Lauren wasn't equally missing her. Lauren resolved to do something about it, and she spent an hour one evening writing Penny a long affectionate letter. It was made difficult by the realization that she could not respond to anything specific that Penny might have mentioned in her missing letters. The situation was bound to get weirder and weirder as the summer wore on, but there wasn't much that Lauren could do about it.
Writing to Penny made Lauren miss her terribly and as consolation she took out the blouse Penny had given her and put it on. She had barely worn it since the day Penny had given it to her, and it was a little strange to wear it over her bra. Putting it on hadn't been easy since the blouse was tight to start with and her recently acquired breast forms could barely fit inside. She couldn't help but feel that since she and Penny now both wore bras and had girlish figures when wearing the blouse, they were really just girl friends and no longer boy and girl friends. On the other hand, if that were true, it wouldn't explain why Lauren still longed to resume the intimate relationship they had had in the weeks leading up to the start of camp.
When Lauren was done with the letter, she walked it over to the mailbox at the central office. Even though Marilyn collected the outgoing mail for the girls in her cabin, Lauren was a bit unsure as to the safety of giving Marilyn the opportunity to see that she was mailing a letter to Penny. She would have a lot of explaining to do on the odd chance that one of Penny's letters to Lorin Baxter made it to Camp Shoni.
Marilyn ordinarily did not pay much attention to the goings and comings of the girls in the cabin, but after Lauren had left she had had the feeling that there was something about Lauren that was notable. It wasn't the large chest; she had grown used to that. She thought a while longer and then it suddenly came to her: she had the distinct memory that Lauren was wearing a salmon colored blouse. Sure enough, fifteen minutes later Lauren returned to the cabin and Marilyn stared in amazement at the salmon top with collar and buttons.
"That's a pretty blouse," Marilyn said as Lauren walked by.
Lauren stopped and said, "Thank you. I like it a lot."
"Such a pretty shade of red or pink."
"It's actually salmon colored," Lauren said and then volunteered. "I know it's a bit tight, but a girl friend of mine gave it to me."
"Is that so," Marilyn said. As Lauren returned to her bunk, Marilyn felt giddy with excitement. She felt like she was a great detective and an important clue had fallen into her hands. Maybe not the smoking gun that would prove the case, but a pretty good clue nonetheless. If she was a betting woman, she just might be ready to bet that Lorin was Lauren. Well, not just yet, since there was so much about Lauren that was girlish. Besides, she had grown fond of Lauren; she was one of the sweetest kids in the cabin and there was no real reason to come to a firm conclusion about the mystery just yet.
The day before the next dance, which was to be at Camp Dan, the girls in Lauren's cabin found time to share their thoughts about the boys they had met the previous week. Many of them had danced with the same boys and they shared similar stories of how they dealt with the few that were unpleasant to be with. Number one was Phil the bore, but there was also a boy named Cliff that those girls who had danced with him called him "Cliff the Crusher" for the way he grabbed them while doing a slow dance. Others boys were just too shy to get a good sense of whether they were nice or not. A few of the girls, like Thalia, seemed to be making a connection with one boy in particular and Lauren wished that she could be in the same position also. Of course, there was Brian, and Lauren spent a lot of time thinking about him. But Joan seemed so certain that Brian could not end up being her boyfriend. That, and Lauren had a hard time believing it could happen herself.
The conversation eventually turned to the subject of how to prevent guys like Cliff the Crusher from taking advantage of the girls and then to the more general subject of what was an acceptable amount of contact with a boy that one did actually like.
"It's a given that any guy you're with is plotting to get to first base," Eileen said.
"Of course if he's cute we hope he'll go there," Janet said.
"What if they're too scared," Thalia said, "they can be afraid to go too far."
"The boys I've known are never like that," Joan said, "I mean I never have to encourage them, well there was one guy who was scared to touch me."
"Do you think "first base" is kissing or holding hands?" Lauren said.
"Kissing," Ann and Susan said simultaneously. Ann continued, "but it could be holding hands if the boy is real scared.
"Some boys will hold your hand but then take forever to kiss you," Susan said. "Sometimes I've had to drop a million hints."
"You can end up thinking they don't want to kiss you," Judy added.
"What's a hint look like?" Lauren said. Her desire to learn about how to be with a boy was so strong that she didn't let her normal desire to be cool prevent her from asking questions that revealed her innocence.
"You know, you give him these dreamy eyes with a coy smile, or your hand touches his arm, or you sit in closer to him. Something like that," Judy said.
Lauren thought back to Lorin's first date with Penny. He had never even held her hand, he had been so nervous. But it had all changed at the party. "Dancing gives boys a chance to hold girls, without having to take a chance," Lauren said.
"Exactly," Joan said, "it's a great icebreaker. But it's not first base unless they kiss you."
"Brian kissed me when we were dancing," Lauren said.
"Now that he's already gotten to first, if you dance with him again tomorrow, he's going to want to go past first to second," Eileen said.
Lauren thought about it a second and said, "you mean feel me up?"
"Definitely," Joan said, "and if he gets there then it won't be long until he's headed to third base. Whatever you do, don't let him get a homerun!" The girls laughed.
"I've never ..." Lauren started to say and then stopped. She was going to say she had never been felt up, but the truth was that Lorin had felt up Penny to some extent so that Lauren did sort of know what it was like. Lauren tried to imagine what it felt like for Penny while Lorin had put his hand in her bra. The memory made her long to be back with Penny again, but no sooner had she thought of that, then she thought that she would sort of like being felt up by a boy. It would sort of prove that he found her attractive.
"What's the furthest base any of you girls have gone to?" Ann said.
"Since you started that, you answer first!" Joan said.
"I'll answer if everyone else promises to answer!"
"Sure, is everybody in?" Ann said looking around. No one seemed to want to opt out of the game.
"This is too much fun," Thalia said.
"Well let me see," Ann started thing off. "It was second base, with Tom. He and I were going together in the Fall and we used to kiss a lot, he's a dreamy kisser, and one time in the movie theater we were in the last row, some dumb vampire movie or something. I don't even remember what was going on, I don't think I even saw a minute of it. Tom had his arm around me and was kissing me and then for the first time I felt his hand on my breast. He fumbled around on the outside of my blouse and then he worked his way inside and put his hand over my bra. He didn't really know what to do and after a while he stopped and then just before the movie ended he started up again."
"Did you touch him?" Susan asked.
"No, I didn't want to encourage him to go any further. You know there is no second base for boys as far as girls are concerned."
"Yeah, it's straight to third base, if you know what I mean," Susan said.
"Go next Susan!" Ann said.
"I let my boy friend, John, get to third base, one time, well not totally. We were at the beach lying down behind a sand dune and he had been kissing me. We were lying side by side and he put his hand inside my bikini top and then after awhile I felt his hand going down my stomach heading toward my bottom. I was so spaced out it took a few moments until I realized what he was doing and stopped him. From the looks of his bathing suit, he was pretty excited."
Lauren listened raptly to the stories and it took her a few seconds to realize that Susan was saying that her boy friend had a boner. The other girls seemed to understand completely what Susan was saying. Lauren thought that it was pretty amazing that the girls talked about sex almost as explicitly as the boys in Camp Dan did. Lorin had never liked hearing about girls being judged solely by their anatomy or availability to guys. Every girl, it had seemed to Lorin, deserved to be treated with respect regardless of the way she looked, or how promiscuous she was.
"Yeah, I guess so. It was freaky and I didn't want to know anything more about it!" Susan said.
"For me, I've never let any guy get past second base," Janet said, "though one time my boy friend wanted me to go to his third base. I had a total crush on him, his name was Barry. He's two grades ahead of me and went on to high school. Anyway, this one time we were making out and he started feeling me up which I guess I liked, though I had to tell him more than once to not pinch me too hard. Anyway, after awhile he started getting all fidgety and whispered to me that we ought to go further. I didn't give him an answer and finally, he said he had to go and I could tell he was in a lot of pain. He was sort of hunched over."
"Blue balls?" Joan said.
"That's what he said, and also his thing had gotten bent inside his jeans. He was trying to rearrange it by pushing it down or something but it wouldn't cooperate."
Janet acted out how her boy friend had been hopping around trying to straighten himself out causing the girls to laugh uproariously.
Between her own laughs, Janet continued saying "he kept indicating that I should some how help him with his problem. You know like stick my hand down there? I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about, though I really did know."
For her part, Lauren pretended she thought the incident funny, though she knew only too well herself that it was not really a laughing matter for boys. She imagined finding herself in a similar situation as Janet, and she wondered how would she feel if a boy wanted her to put her hand "down there"?
"Have any of you ever seen a guy's thing?" Judy asked.
"I've seen my little brother's weenie," said Ann.
"So have I," Eileen said.
"I saw my older brother's thing one day. My mom yelled at him to wrap a towel around himself when he left the shower."
"What does it look like?" Thalia said, "I've never even seen a picture of one, except for Michelangelo's David."
"It's sort of pinkish and dangly, like a weird hot dog or something. It's hard to describe."
Apparently Marilyn had been listening in on the conversation and she came over and said, "what is hard to describe?"
"Boy's things," Lauren said, wanting to be helpful. She also couldn't help but appreciate the irony that this was the one aspect of the discussion thus far that she knew more about than any of the other girls, including Marilyn.
"Boy's things? What do you mean by that?"
"You know their weenies," Eileen said laughing.
"Have you ever seen one?" Thalia asked.
Marilyn laughed and said, "what kind of discussion is this for my bunnies? Anyway when you get older, like to my age, it's not really something that needs to be discussed. They're there, that's all one needs to know about them."
"We were discussing about how far to allow boys to go. It seems like the boys of Camp Dan all want to either get to second or third base or have us touch them or something."
"Boys are always half crazed about sex. It's even worse here since they're trying to live out a summer romance one day per week. There is a camp rule about having physical contact with the boys, though I'm pretty sure no one cares if you kiss them. But they aren't allowed to feel you up as they say and you certainly should not touch their things at all!"
Later, after the group broke up getting ready for bed, Lauren, Thalia and Joan sat together on Joan's bed. Thalia said, "Owen kissed me goodnight and he said he couldn't wait to see me again. I think tomorrow we're going to pick up where we left off."
"I'm happy for you," Lauren said, despite the fact that she would much rather that Owen and Thalia not get together.
"You look like a nice couple," Joan said.
"Thanks," Thalia said, "I wonder where it's going to go. I've never really had a true boy friend before. It seems like it would be hard to just kiss all summer long, if it turns out we really like each other."
"I'm pretty sure there is a lot of stuff that goes on outside the dance, in the dark. I've heard about couples doing a lot more than making out," Joan said. "Some of these guys are pretty unstoppable once they get started!"
"But the girls can stop them, can't they, I mean if they want to? They wouldn't want to risk getting thrown out of camp, would they?" Lauren said.
"It's a lot easier said than done. Of course you could stop them anytime by screaming or getting mad at them or something like that. The real question is stopping them when you don't really want them to stop. It can be very thrilling when a boy gets really hot, particularly because it's sort of flattering that they want you so much, and girls tend to want to be kind to needy people. And boy are they needy!" Joan laughed saying this.
"I'd sort of like if Owen wanted to do more, but I'm not so sure that I'll be able to do more," Thalia said. "We didn't discuss it before, but do you think that any of the girls actually have touched one of them?"
"I wonder too," Lauren said.
After a minute, Joan said, "do you both swear not to tell anybody else what I'm going to say?"
"I swear it," Thalia said.
"And me too," Lauren said.
"I actually touched one once though I didn't actually see it," Joan said. "My boy friend was kissing me and my hand fell on his lap and the next thing I knew he was begging me to touch him. I guess I was just curious and I did. Well outside his pants, initially. He got so excited, it was kind of unbelievable. After awhile he slowly undid his belt and then pulled down his zipper. I was sort of hypnotized. I knew I should stop, but then I was thinking that I wasn't really doing anything that could cause me to get VD or anything. So I kept my hand there and while we kissed I let him move his thing over it. I couldn't believe how strange it felt, even through his underwear. It sticks up so much and sort of throbs or something as you touch it. Then I felt him tugging at his underwear to lower them and I knew that it had gone far enough. My hand did sweep against it before I pulled away from him and said that I didn't think it was a good idea to continue. I felt so sorry for him."
Lauren and Thalia looked at each other and then at Joan. Thalia said, "my mom gave me the whole talk about sex, but I guess it's a lot different when you actually are with a boy, than just thinking about it."
"Sure," Joan said, "I knew a lot about it but the one thing that really surprised me was how sort of desperate my boy friend was."
"We could really have a hard time here, with the boys," Thalia said and then laughed at the unintended pun, "I mean every dance is the one time in the whole week that they'll be thinking about actually getting something off of us."
"Owen seems so nice," Lauren said, "I can't imagine he'll be difficult for you."
"I hope so," Thalia said.
"In the case of someone like Brian," Joan said, "it's a completely different story. He was already making out with Lauren on the first dance!"
Lauren felt upset. "He had cast a spell over me. I don't know what it was, but I felt all the strength drain out of my arms when he held me. It was like I had become whatever he wanted me to be. I know that I've got to stop that. If I dance with him again tomorrow, I'm only going to kiss him if I really want to."
Joan laughed and Lauren continued, "yeah, I know he won't even remember me, but maybe he will."
"We better get to sleep," Thalia said, "tomorrow is a big day!"
"And Lauren has to get up earlier than anyone!" Joan said.
"True," Lauren said, "and I'm glad every day is a big day. That's the sort of days we should have."
It was more than a little strange for Lauren as she disembarked the bus that took the girls to Camp Dan for the dance on Saturday night. She had a million memories of her past summers there and they flooded back into her mind as she saw the dining hall, the club house and some of the cabins that she had slept in in her former life as a boy.
"What's the matter," Thalia said to Lauren, "you look tense and kind of sad."
Snapping out of her reverie Lauren said, "oh nothing. I'm just thinking about if Brian will remember me."
"Don't count on it," Joan said.
"I know, I know," Lauren said, "but still."
"Even if he does, he's too old for you. You'll be fighting him off all night.
"I suppose you're right about that much," Lauren admitted, "but still."
In the exact reverse of what happened the previous week, the boys were waiting for the girls in their rec building doubling as a dance hall when the girls arrived. Lauren, Thalia and Joan walked in together. As much as Lauren wanted to wear her new found breasts to the dance, it would be way too obvious to at least some of the boys that she had put in falsies since the past week. The potential for embarrassment was too great and she instead wore the same padded bra she had worn the past week. The boys would have to like her for who she was, not for having big tits.
They weren't halfway into the hall, walking toward some tables that had been set up, when Lauren saw Owen making a beeline for them. There was no doubt that he had not forgotten Thalia. For her part, Thalia quickened her step a bit and met up with Owen ahead of the others. Lauren lagged back a bit behind Joan, but there was no way that Owen wouldn't get to see Lauren up close and personal.
When Lauren and Joan reached Thalia and Owen, Thalia said "Owen, I want you to meet my best two friends at camp, Joan and Lauren!"
Owen graciously greeted them saying that any friends of Thalia's were friends of his. "How delightfully corny," Thalia said laughing. Lauren smiled wryly and Joan told Owen how happy she was to meet him. Owen turned to directly face Lauren and when she looked into his face she saw that he was puzzled. "Lauren is it?" Owen said.
Lauren said, "yes," blushed and looked down.
"It's funny, but there is something terribly familiar about you. I could swear I've seen you somewhere before."
"Really?" Lauren said, "I can't imagine where."
"It's so sort of strange," Owen said.
"A lot of girls sort of look like me," Lauren said.
"It's also funny that you have the name Lauren, since I had a good friend at camp here, for like five years, who has the same name, Lorin, but spelled different I guess. I thought he was coming this year, but he never showed up."
"That sometimes happens," Joan said, "I remember being surprised who didn't show up some years."
"I suppose," Owen said. He stared hard at Lauren who looked away and then across the room at the boys to see if she could spot Brian.
To her relief, Thalia took Owen's hand and the two of them walked off talking a mile a minute. There was clearly recognition in Owen's eyes. He hadn't yet put two and two together but Lauren felt sure that he would eventually. The big problem was going to see what he did about it. Owen being Owen he might not really condemn Lauren for pretending to be a girl and infiltrating Camp Shoni. On the other hand, it was not the kind of subject they had ever discussed together and it could be that he'd freak out and tell everyone. Well, more realistically he might tell Thalia and then what?
The music had been running continuously since they had entered the room and now many of the boys and girls were dancing. Lauren finally saw Brian and near him was Fred. "Look Joan," Lauren said, "there's Brian and Fred." Suddenly Lauren felt both excited and flustered. She had had fantasies of Brian even waiting at the bus for her, and now it was clear that he wasn't exactly making an effort to find her. He seemed to be talking to some other boys and at least had not yet asked any girls to dance. Maybe he was just a bit shyer than she thought he might be.
For her part Joan didn't seem to be interested in Fred or Brian. "It's not good to even look their way," she said. "If they want us they'll come over. They know where we are."
"But how do you know that?" Lauren said. "Maybe I should at least sort of walk by near him. The punch bowl is in that direction. I could get some punch."
Joan laughed. "Sometimes you can be real hard headed Lauren. I just don't want to see you get any more hurt than you already are or will be."
Lauren was not paying full attention to Joan and she said, "he seems to be looking my way. I'm sure Brian just saw me. He'll probably come on over. How do I look?"
Joan looked across the room and said, "yeah, he's now asking a girl over there, one of the older girls, to dance. Let's face it we're just too young for him."
Lauren turned and looked at the couples dancing and sure enough Brian was dancing with a girl who was definitely older and more sophisticated than she was. "You're right Joan. I should have listened to you!"
"No big deal. We all have to learn these things the hard way. Anyway, there are still a bunch of guys we haven't yet danced with, so maybe one of them will turn out to be nice."
"I hope so," Lauren said. She was already worrying about what would happen if she didn't have someone nice to go to the cotillion with. She'd end up having to go with one of the real jerky boys and she'd be absolutely miserable. She laughed to herself thinking that the way things are going right now with Marcie, it would be better to go to the cotillion as Marcie's girl friend rather than with one of the weirdo boys.
She thought about what it would be like to be with Marcie at the cotillion and decided it could actually be pretty nice. She was already dancing with Marcie at the rehearsals and Marcie always had the boys' part. It wouldn't be that much different to be at the cotillion with her, though she doubted that Marcie would come wearing a nice boy's suit with a tie and everything. They'd both have dresses, but surely her own dress would be much more feminine than Marcie's. Too bad she wouldn't be able to wear her big boobs that night.
Lauren's reverie was broken by the boy Paul asking her to dance whom she had danced with the week before. Lauren forced herself to smile and accepted the dance. If anything, she would not be a snob but she couldn't help thinking that this was what life at the bottom would be like at the cotillion if her luck didn't change.
During a slow dance in which Thalia rested her head against Owen's shoulder she asked him what he was thinking about.
"I can't shake the feeling I know your friend Lauren, I mean I think she has more than a little resemblance to my friend Lorin."
"Maybe they're cousins or something," Thalia said.
"Where is Lauren from?"
Thalia mentioned the town and Owen exclaimed, "That's where my friend Lorin is from too! His name is Baxter, Lorin Baxter."
"Ohmygod!" Thalia said suddenly feeling faint.
"What is it?" Owen said.
"Lauren is Lauren Baxter also!"
"You're shitting me! Pardon my French!"
"Not at all, but I'm sure it's just an incredible coincidence. Lauren is such a sweetheart, as much of a girl as I am. It's beyond ridiculous to even question that."
"Oh, I'm sure you're right," Owen said. "My friend Lorin was no sissy or even close to that. He was a regular guy. But I'd bet there is some sort of family connection there."
"Probably," Thalia said.
After Paul, Lauren danced with several other boys who were either obnoxious or too short or immature. She had turned down Phil when he wanted to dance with her and at one point Marcie came over to see how she was. Joan was seeming to have made a connection with a couple of different boys. It was clear to Lauren that she would be largely on her own that night.
Most painful for Lauren was watching Brian surrounded by a group of older girls, every one of which was much more developed than she was. What had she been thinking to not believe what Joan had told her? Still, it would be so dreamy to have at least a dance or two with Brian.
Finally, she got up and walked toward the general area where Brian was and then decided she would walk right past him. Beyond him was a hallway, leading to the rest rooms, so it was perfect. She had an excuse to go that way. She walked slowly and non-chalantly making sure to keep one eye focused on Brian. When she was almost upon him, she looked up right at him and he turned to look at her. He smiled broadly and in a sudden fit of nerves, Lauren looked away and kept walking. "Hey, if isn't my girlfriend Lauren," Brian called after her and Lauren stopped and turned around and looked at him.
"Oh, hi Brian she said."
Next to Brian were a couple of the older girls he had been talking to. They looked at Lauren and nodded their heads as if to say hello.
"Having fun?" Brian asked.
"Oh sure," Lauren said lying.
"We should dance," Brian said and Lauren felt a smile returning to her face.
A fast dance had just ended and there was a lull as everyone was waiting to see what the next song would be.
A slow song started and Lauren said to the girls Brian had been with, "can you spare him?"
"Oh wow, go ahead and dance with her Brian," one of the girls said, "she's got a thing for you."
Lauren blushed, but didn't deny it.
"Sure, I'd love to dance with you," Brian said and he stood up and took Lauren's hand and led her onto the dance floor. Lauren was trembling. Maybe this was going to turn out the way she had fantasized.
Brian held her just like he had the last time and Lauren felt a rising excitement like he was going to kiss her. It was a strange feeling, completely opposite to how Lorin had felt with Penny when it was his job to initiate the kisses. Just like Lauren had felt the previous week, it was hard for her to not just melt in the face of Brian's strength and good looks. She felt woozy and helplessly feminine compared to Brian's masculinity. It was that contrast that made Lauren feel more completely girlish than in any other situation. She felt a slight tingling in her breasts and in her nipples inside her bra and a warmth inside her panties between her legs. An image came to her mind of how Brian's strong masculine presence filled a void inside her body.
"I like girls like you," Brian said and Lauren felt her heart sing with pleasure.
"What kind are they?" Lauren said.
"Warm, delicate, feminine. Like a little fragile bird."
Lauren laughed, "Is that me?"
"In spades," Brian said. "You're a soft little creature."
Lauren loved thinking of the imagery Brian had painted about her. She was a delicate little bird. She loved thinking of herself like that. It was why she had become Lauren after all. She felt something pushing into her belly and in a flash of recognition decided that it must be that she had gotten him excited. The thought both filled her with desire, but also fear and fascination. What would it be like to confront his manhood directly? The thrill of having this affect on Brian coursed through her body and she felt an overwhelming desire to be drawn in even tighter to him.
"Kiss me," she whispered to him, thinking how much she had loved the kisses last week.
Brian pulled back a bit from her. "Kiss you?"
He seemed genuinely surprised by what she had said. Lauren stammered, "it's just ... you remember last week? ... "
"Lauren. You're a wonderful girl, and I did love kissing you last week, but I thought that night we were both sort of goofing off. I'm too old for you. Way too old. I'm in high school, you're in junior high. It can't work out. I thought you knew that too." Brian looked genuinely concerned and Lauren did her best to hold back tears, though her eyes grew moist and a few isolated tears fell down her cheek. She looked down and saw that it was Brian's belt buckle that had been pressing against her tummy. She had created a fantasy in place of the reality that she did not want to accept as truth.
The dance ended and Brian let go of her and said, "are you OK Lauren? I never meant to hurt you in any way. If circumstances were different - even a few years from now when we're both in college - but now it's not a good idea."
The more Brian talked the more Lauren felt like crying so she shook her head as vigorously as she could and said she had better freshen up in the girls room and she took leave of him.
In the restroom Lauren ran into Joan as well as Janet and Eileen from the bunny cabin. "I saw you dancing with Brian," Joan said, "it looked like he's crazy about you."
"Brian's like the coolest guy in camp Dan," Janet said.
Lauren shook her head, "it was my last dance with him. He said I'm too young for him."
"Ouch, Lauren, I'm so sorry," Joan said.
"You were right all along. I was just being a baby. Actually, he was very nice. He never meant to hurt me. He just thought that we were just fooling around last week."
Joan and Janet came and held Lauren. "We all get crushes on guys, and even on guys that are unattainable. You have to just concentrate on the nice time you did have with him and forget about everything else," Joan said.
"Yeah," Janet said, "I bet the age thing is the real story. It shows he has a conscience. A lot of guys would just take advantage of your innocence."
Eileen said, "the next thing you know, he'd take you outside in the woods and you'd feel like you have to do something gross with him." The image came to Lauren's mind of a large, male organ with blue veins running through it, a shock of dark black pubic hair and heavy balls dangling below. It was the memory he had of his own dad's penis that he had seen one day when his father had taken a shower with him. It was probably true that boys of Brian's age had genitals like that, and from what he'd seen of the older boys at Camp Dan the many years he had gone there, he could easily imagine them in the woods cajoling some poor girl into doing something that she would regret later on.
"You think they'd make girls touch their things?" Lauren said.
"Without a doubt," Janet said, "and if you do, then every boy in camp will know about it by tomorrow. If you don't, then every boy will hear that you're a prude. Either way you lose. It's just best not to hang out with the older guys."
Lauren smiled at Eileen and the others and thanked them. "You're great friends. I appreciate what you're saying."
"There still is a bunch of guys you haven't met yet," Joan said, so I'm confident we'll all meet someone that we'll be happy to go to the cotillion with."
"I sure hope so," Lauren said and went into a stall to pee. The other girls who had been checking their makeup in the mirror left to resume dancing. While she was sitting in the stall waiting for the pee to come, Lauren tried to come to an understanding of what she thought about what the girls had been saying. Part of her was certainly offended by the boys being so vulgar, yet on the other hand she wondered if it wasn't a very natural thing for girls to want to touch boys' organs. For her own self, she both was attracted and repelled at the idea. Lorin was repulsed but Lauren was attracted, at least at some level. What she would do if the situation arose was probably something she could not predict ahead of time. She would have to watch and wait and see how it played out.
When she finally left the bathroom, Lauren surveyed the dance trying to see if there was any cause for hope that a nice boy might ask her to dance. There were definitely a few good looking boys who must be much closer to her in age than Brian yet whom she had not yet danced with, and most importantly did not look to be tied to any one girl. She had her eye on one boy in particular, who reminded her a bit of John Travolta, when a thin boy, a bit taller than herself, with glasses and curly hair asked her to dance. She vaguely remembered seeing him the week before but had not found him to be particularly noteworthy. He asked her haltingly as if teetering on forgetting a memorized speech and when Lauren accepted he seemed remarkably relieved.
It was a slow dance and she found that they were a good height for each other; he was about an inch or two taller. Clearly fighting his nerves, the boy asked Lauren her name and she told him and she then asked him his own. "Peter," he said in a clipped voice. Lauren sensed that he was going to say something more but didn't. They danced around and around in a slow circle until Peter finally said, "I think it's time to go around the other way, I mean we might wear out a hole in the floor right here."
Lauren laughed and said, "you'll have to lead me."
"OK, no problem," Peter said and they started going the other way. "What do you like about camp?" Peter said woodenly.
"I like the dances. We're also putting on a production of "A Chorus Line" in which I get to dance."
"Cool," Peter said, "we're putting on "Oliver"."
"You've got to be kidding. We were going to do that too, but the camp director didn't think it was a good play for girls. Not enough girl parts. That would be weird if both camps put it on."
"Even better, if they put it on together than they could have boys in boy parts and girls in girls parts," Peter said.
"But what about the girls who now have boy parts?"
"And the boys who have girls part?" Peter said. "There could be a second production for them."
"Weird," Lauren laughed. It seemed that Peter had a sense of humor. He was definitely somewhat off beat and interesting. "Do you have a part?" Lauren asked.
"No," Peter said, "but I wanted the part of Nancy, so I could sing 'As Long as He Needs Me,' but I didn't get it."
"Too bad," Lauren said and then, "Seriously?"
"Sure," Peter said.
Lauren laughed again, "I know your joking. Boys never would want to be girls!"
"That's a loaded question. If I say that I did, then my masculinity would be suspect. If I said I didn't I'd be acting like there was something wrong with being a girl. Either way I lose."
Lauren spontaneously moved in closer to Peter and hugged him. "You're hysterical."
"You're ..." Peter started to say and stopped.
"You're what?" Lauren whispered.
"I was going to say that you were very nice, but I've only known you for a few minutes, so maybe I should say that you seem nice. But that's not a flattering thing to say to a girl, that she seems nice. I mean you might say that about a cake, before you tasted it..."
"So you ought to just gamble, and say I'm nice," Lauren said.
"OK. You're nice," Peter said.
They were silent for a few minutes and Peter said, "I hope you don't think I'm being manic."
"Yes, that's exactly what I've been thinking," Lauren said.
After another pause in which Peter seemed to not know if Lauren had been joking or not, she said, "you can laugh now Peter," and Peter laughed.
When the slow dance was over, Peter said, "let's get some punch," and Lauren said, "good idea."
When they got to the refreshment table, Lauren saw to her alarm that Thalia and Owen were also there. "Hey Peter," Owen said, "it looks like you met Lauren."
"You know each other?" Peter asked.
"Thalia introduced me to Lauren before, they're both bunnies," Owen said.
"Bunnies?" Peter asked.
"The girls at Camp Shoni are either wolves or bunnies and Thalia and Lauren are both bunnies."
"What's the difference?" Peter asked Lauren.
"Bunnies are little furry animals that hop around and eat carrots and lettuce," Lauren said, "and wolves..,"
Peter cut her off, "I know, wolves are big furry animals that eat bunnies."
"You got it," Thalia said.
"So you can say you're Peter and the Bunny!" Owen laughed.
"And had Lauren been a wolf..." Peter said smiling.
"Exactly," Owen said.
"The important thing is that Lauren and I are both bunnies so we're in the same cabin."
"And Peter and I are in the same cabin," Owen said, "but we're not bunnies."
"Speak for yourself," Peter said, "I'd rather like to be a bunny."
Everyone laughed and when they were done, Thalia said to Lauren, "Owen was telling me about the most remarkable coincidence. He says that there was a boy with your name at camp with him the last 5 years. Lorin Baxter! And he lives in your town!"
"There's even some resemblance to you," Owen added.
This was the moment Lauren had dreaded since she had seen Thalia with Owen the week before. Despite thinking and thinking as to what she should say at this moment, she had not come up with an idea that wouldn't sound contrived. The best she could do was to try to derail the suspicion by alluding to the connection being a deep dark family secret. "I know about him, though I've never actually met him," Lauren said lamely. "It's actually a family thing that my mom and dad never talk about."
"Wow, sounds eerie," Owen said. "So it's just coincidence that you knew about Camp Shoni?"
"I guess so," Lauren said. "I think a lot of people know about these camps. They're pretty well known."
The music had started up again with the sound of "YMCA" and Peter said, "Lauren and I have got to dance to this!" and he took Lauren's hand and led her back to the dance floor.
It took a few minutes for Lauren to stop rehashing in her mind the conversation she had just had with Owen. It did seem like he had believed her story, but he could just be trying to be polite. She would find out eventually what his true thoughts were, she was sure of that.
Lauren and Peter had a fun time dancing and then to Lauren's growing feeling of happiness, it seemed that she and Peter had morphed into a state where it was taken for granted that they would continue dancing with each other. After a few more fast dances there was finally a slow dance again and Lauren fell comfortably and happily into Peter's arms. Unlike Brian of the week before, Peter showed no predilection to make out with her as they danced. Part of Lauren was happy for that, but on the other hand, the summer was short and it would be nice to see if she might develop enough intimacy, both physical and mental in their relationship that she could call it love. Then the cotillion would be the most perfect night of her life.
Several slow dances played in a row and it was clear that it was getting toward the end of the evening. Peter said to her, "I hope I'll see you next week."
"Somehow I have the feeling that you will," Lauren said.
Peter held her a bit tighter and she moved up her hand to gently touch his neck. She could feel the strength in his arms as he held her. Though he wasn't as far into puberty as Owen was, he had begun to mature and it was showing up in the beginnings of a manly frame. Lauren said a silent prayer to God thanking him for the fact that she had yet to appreciably enter male puberty - so that she could have this wonderful summer. When she got home she would have a major crossroads to contend with, and she would, but for now, her impending adolescence was a vague annoyance sitting in the distant future.
Chapter 15
After a few rehearsals of "A Chorus Line" the girls started getting more and more comfortable with their parts and the production began to resemble a real play. The girls lined up more or less correctly for the dance numbers even if they sometimes forgot their steps or ran into each other. The girls with speaking roles like Eileen and Jeanette acted with increasing self-confidence and at times it was hard to remember whether what transpired in the rehearsals was just a rehearsal or an accurate presentation of the rehearsal-in-the-play that they were supposed to be acting out.
Marcie and Lauren were particularly adept with their steps and at one of the rehearsals Marilyn told them they could take a time out while she worked with some of the other girls. Marcie took Lauren's hand and said, "I want to show you something, come with me," and she led Lauren toward the back of the barn out of sight of the others past large bins containing scenery and miscellaneous storage cabinets. Marcie pointed to a small alcove off the main room that was behind a rack of costumes.
"This is one of my secret places," Marcie said and she led Lauren into the small room.
"Cool," Lauren said, "what do you do here?"
Marcie took Lauren's other hand and stood facing her. "You're a wonderful dance partner," Marcie said and pulled Lauren into her and hugged her.
"How sweet of you," Lauren said and then she felt Marcie hold her more firmly in such a way that their chests were pushed against each other. She couldn't avoid the sense that Marcie was purposefully trying to push her own breasts into her own. It was an electric moment for Lauren, being held in the strong arms of the slightly taller girl dressed as she was in a boy's outfit.
"You've got great tits," Marcie said and Lauren blushed slightly.
"I am big aren't I," Lauren said. "It runs in my family."
Marcie laughed and put her hand on one of them and felt it and then lifted it up. It suddenly occurred to Lauren that Marcie was not exactly playing any more.
"Somebody might see," Lauren said, worried that Marilyn or one of the girls might not take what Marcie was doing as a joke.
"It's a secret alcove," Marcie said. "No one can see us here," and this time she put both her hands on Lauren's fake breasts and felt them. "They feel cool. Just like the real thing."
Lauren didn't know what to do. She didn't want to hurt Marcie's feelings by telling her to stop, but she wasn't sure if it was right to allow her to feel her up. She guessed there were camp rules against this kind of thing, besides the fact that her other girl friends, like Joan and Thalia might find it weird or gross. They might think that Lauren liked both girls and guys.
"Marcie, is this right?" Lauren asked and gently tried to pull away.
"Right?" Marcie said and added, "it's no big deal. It's fun and you can feel mine if you want."
"What?" Lauren said, surprised. This was definitely going in a direction she would never have anticipated. "We're girls Marcie. We shouldn't touch each other. Only boys should." Lauren felt weird saying that since she knew that she would love to touch Marcie's breasts.
"There aren't any boys around here. Anyway, I'm a boy in the show and if I'm going to get seriously into the part, I need to spend time doing boy things. Feeling up girls is probably the number one thing any boy wants to do."
Lauren had to admit to herself that there was a modicum of logic to what Marcie was saying. "But how would my touching you be practicing for the show?" Lauren said.
"You're right," Marcie said, "I'll do all the touching. You just be the girl."
With that, she gently pushed down on Lauren's shoulder directing her to lie down on the floor. Lauren lay down and Marcie sat down next to her and leaned against her. Then she gently straddled Lauren and leaned forward pinning Lauren's hands over her head and against the floor. Lauren felt a bit helpless against the grip of the much stronger girl. Lauren tested her ability to move her arms and found that she couldn't.
"There's no need to struggle," Marcie said.
"I'm not struggling," Lauren said. "I trust you Marcie."
"Good. From now on you're my girl. You can pucker up baby, cause I'm going to give you a kiss you'll never forget!"
Lauren laughed with the realization that as scary as the scene might look on the surface, it was just Marcie play acting her part as a boy. Marcie's breasts were dangling close over Lauren's face and then Marcie leaned forward so that Lauren's face was buried between them. Marcie shook her chest back and forth a little and Lauren felt the hot warmth of Marcie's bra against her cheek and nose. There was a slight fragrance to her breasts as well.
"Do you wear perfume?" Lauren asked, a bit surprised.
"A little," Marcie said.
"It's pretty," Lauren said.
Marcie then suddenly planted her lips over Lauren's and gave her a passionate kiss. At first, Lauren was so surprised by the intensity that she was more frozen in place than not. Gradually Marcie's tongue pried open Lauren's mouth and entered and Lauren found herself sucking on Marcie's tongue. It was a long kiss and after a few moments she found herself getting light headed and terribly confused. It was as good a kiss as Brian had given her at the first dance and had as much energy. Lorin's kisses with Penny had not been anywhere as daring and full of sensuality. Lorin certainly knew next to nothing about how to kiss. Finally Marcie withdrew her tongue and pulled back her head to take a good look at Lauren's reaction to what had just happened.
"Oh my God, Marcie!" Lauren said, "I've never kissed a girl before." She felt it important to say this to Marcie. She then added, "I've never kissed anyone like that before!"
Marcie let go of Lauren's hands and resumed feeling up her breasts. Lauren was still reeling from the kiss. She felt that there was some important meaning to it though she did not quite know what it was just yet. But the inescapable truth thus far was that she felt happier and more fulfilled from that kiss than the one she had with Brian and even the kisses she had had with Penny. She would have to spend some time thinking about what she had felt.
"You've got a sweet little mouth Lauren," Marcie said. "Let me see the bra Marilyn gave you," With that she lifted up the neckline of Lauren's dance outfit and looked down at the large well filled out white bra. "A pretty white bra for you and big knockers," she reported.
For some reason Lauren found it funny and laughed. She hoped this was still just play acting, a harmless if also terribly exciting game. Suddenly, she was worried that Marcie might not approve of her seeing Peter and she said, "you know I like boys, don't you?"
"So do I," Marcie said, "but I also like girls, especially girls like you. Delicate and girlish, practically useless for anything other than lying around looking pretty. Girls who think that getting new bras is actually exciting; so wonderful a thing, in fact, that they can't wait to go home and try them on. Girls who would never be caught dead without a slip and pantyhose on. That turns me on for some reason, though a boy who is kind and gentle and not worried about proving himself. That can turn me on too."
"How did you ever figure out exactly what you like?" Lauren said. "I'm so totally confused about what I want. The first dance I met that boy Brian and he kissed me and I thought it was so thrilling and then you just kissed me and it, gosh, I don't know Marcie. It was an incredible kiss."
"I've been thinking about what it would be like to kiss you, so I finally acted on it. I'm glad I did."
"I hope you kiss me again. I think I would like that. But also, I, I met this boy Peter at the last dance and I think he and I are really hitting it off. He hasn't been like some of the other boys and we haven't kissed yet. I mean I do hope he'll want to kiss me too."
"It's OK Lauren," Marcie said. "I'm not jealous. Sometimes I just want to grab you and kiss you, but it doesn't have to mean anything more than that."
It seemed bizarre and too mechanical from Lauren's point of view and she said, "I think no matter what it will always mean something to me."
"I'm sure it will Lauren, because that's the kind of girl you are."
"I think Marilyn wants us back now," Lauren said.
Marcie took one last squeeze of Lauren's breasts and got up. "OK, my little bunny, we'll continue some other time." She helped Lauren up and then surprised her by giving her one more long deep tongue kiss until Lauren could barely breathe. After she withdrew her tongue from Lauren's mouth she said, "seeing stars? God, there is something so huggable about you. You're like a little pet."
Lauren smiled at her. That was exactly the kind of thing she wanted to hear. As the two girls walked back to join the others Lauren thought about what had transpired with Marcie, and tried to identify what her own feelings were. Would she rather be Peter's girl friend or Marcie's girl friend? It occurred to her that maybe the best way to figure out which of them she preferred was to answer the question as to what would happen if they should find out that Lauren was really Lorin. With Peter his heart would be broken, and after he realized that she had deceived him, he might get violently angry - it seemed possible. In the case of Marcie, on the other hand, she would surely find it amusing and maybe even be glad that Lauren was the kind of boy he was - gentle and kind and not needing to prove himself. Just trying to prove that he was a girl.
Perhaps most amazing to Lauren was that both Peter and Marcie made her feel like a girl, and feeling like a girl was what she most wanted for herself. For the moment she wouldn't do anything to rock the boat. She would have Marcie during the week and at the dances she would be Peter's girl friend. Eventually she would figure out what direction she most wanted to go. Of course, there was also Lorin wanting to be Penny's boy friend. Lauren's brain hurt from all the complexities lying in front of her.
One thing with Peter needed immediate fixing and that was the fact that he had yet to even kiss her. The summer was moving along quickly and Lauren wanted Peter to act more aggressively toward her. She had to find out how he kissed compared to Marcie, and Brian too for that matter. Yet, he hadn't even given her a goodbye kiss at the end of the last dance, even though they had spent so much time together. She worried that he might never kiss her and then what? She wanted to extract from the summer every possible memory that she could and a large part of that was having a boy who would ask her to the cotillion and then treat her like a princess all night long.
She had a wonderful fantasy that she thought of again and again about being so beautifully made up in her special dress and then stepping into the ballroom at the cotillion and having everyone gasp at her beauty and no one more excited than her date. He would be swooning with happiness at seeing her and he'd look so handsome in his suit and then they'd dance and dance. Before the night ended they would be intimate in some way that she could only feel but not see the details. One thing for sure was that it would involve some kissing, a lot of passionate kissing.
The day before the dance, on Saturday, Lauren decided to ask Joan for advice on how to get Peter to speed things up. While she knew that the easy answer was that she could just take the initiative, this didn't seem right to her. The thought of her initiating a French kiss or taking Peter's hand and making him feel her up just didn't fit in with her feelings about her proper role in the relationship, especially after she had been so embarrassed by having asked Brian to kiss her and then getting rebuffed. She would never make that mistake again.
"What should I do Joan? I have the feeling that Peter is taking so long to pass first base that the summer will be over before he even gets there!"
"I think you have to give Peter some green lights," Joan said after thinking about the problem.
"What do you mean by green lights?" Lauren asked.
"You know. If a girl smiles at a boy he takes that as a sign that if he comes over to talk he won't be wasting his time."
"I smile plenty at Peter," Lauren said.
"There are lots of other green lights you could give him. Pucker your lips a little, squeeze his arm a bit, or hold him firmly on his back or neck."
"I think I've sort of tried those things. He's really really scared."
"Well then you have to do something less ambiguous. You've got to do something that makes him realize that he's being too shy."
"What could that be?" Lauren asked, totally enthralled.
"You can have your hand sort of end up on his thigh. Just long enough to make him know that you're feeling really close and comfortable with him, but not so long as to make him think you're like going to rip his clothes off!"
Lauren laughed with Joan. "At the same time," Joan continued, "you could moan softly to him. That conveys a lot of excitement."
Lauren thought about what she had said. "I guess I can do that," Lauren said.
"And of course you could sort of talk about it with him. Nothing direct, but just talk about shyness, about the fear of rejection, things which might make him think that he can trust you not to reject him if he were to initiate a kiss."
There was a lot there for Lauren to think about and she said, "thanks Joan. These are all great ideas. I'll try them out tomorrow."
"I'm sure you'll get him to kiss you. Right now he's probably asking his friends for advice on how to initiate a kiss," Joan said, "and further!"
"You mean..."
"Of course he won't stop with kissing, so you have to be prepared."
"Sure, I realize that, but ..."
"But?" Joan asked.
"But say he wants to feel me up. How much do I let him? I mean over my bra, or inside my bra?"
"That's up to you."
"But you know I've been wearing my padded bra, so..."
"I see," Joan said suddenly getting it, "you're afraid if he feels your bra or puts his hand inside it, then he'll feel the padding?"
"Exactly," Lauren said. While she was definitely embarrassed talking about this with Joan, she had no choice. It was important to know what to do before she was with Peter.
"Here's what you do," Joan said and she reached inside a small suitcase she kept under her bed and took out two small flesh colored objects. "You can borrow my silicon gel pads. They add a full size to your bust and they feel like the real thing. So in case Peter feels you up, on the outside of your bra anyway, he'll never know the difference!"
"Oh my God, that's a great idea," Lauren said excitedly, "you're sure you don't need them?"
"I used to wear them all the time but not anymore. I took them to camp just in case. You know, some boys can't get enough!"
Lauren laughed again with Joan. It was a perfect solution. The large breasts she wore for the play were too big to wear to the dance, but these would be just perfect. She'd not have to wear her padded bra, she could wear a regular one and she'd be the same size but then if Peter felt her up, he'd not be feeling a padded bra but the gel pads that felt like real boobs. "Thanks so much Joan, you're such a wonderful friend!" Lauren said and then gave her a hug.
At almost the same time at Camp Dan, Owen and Peter were hanging out at the arcade room in the recreation center during their free time. They were both thinking about the upcoming dance and what it might mean for them. "I never really expected to find a girl as nice as Thalia," Owen said. "I mean my first year going to the dances and like all of a sudden have it all work out so well."
Peter said, "probably half the girls at the dance would fall for you."
"Yeah right. Anyway, most of them don't do anything for me, not like Thalia."
"What about Lauren?" Peter said.
"Yeah, she's really pretty, as pretty as Thalia. Now their friend Joan, man she's a knockout!"
"I know, she's got this unbelievable figure, but like you said, Lauren is gorgeous in her own way. Maybe not as grown up as Joan but she really turns me on."
Owen smiled to himself. Through Peter's eyes, Lauren was so cute, but through his own, every time he was about to see her as a cute girl, he got the image of his friend Lorin in his mind. It was truly uncanny how they resembled each other. At the first opportunity he had to be alone with Lauren, he was determined to find out more about how she might be related to Lorin. "She really seems like a nice girl and she seems to like you a lot."
"Yeah, maybe, but I'm not so sure. I mean, I do think she likes me but I'm scared of coming on too strong."
"You haven't kissed her?"
"No, should I have?"
"When you said goodbye last dance, you didn't at least kiss her?"
"No, I was too uptight." Peter now was terribly worried he had blown it with Lauren. "Maybe I've screwed things up. She's going to know I've never had a relationship before."
"Don't worry. If she really likes you she'll give you another chance, but if you keep on ignoring her, she's liable to think you're a fruit cake or something."
Peter went back over in his mind the events of the last dance trying to remember if there had been a signal from Lauren that said that he ought to have kissed her. "What kind of signal do girls do, if they want you to kiss them?" he asked.
"They hold up semaphore flags," Owen said laughing.
"No, seriously. Can I assume she would want to kiss me just because she seems to like me? Is that enough?"
"You're way too analytical. If she does or doesn't want to kiss you, you'll find out when you start to kiss her. If she doesn't want to kiss you, then I doubt that later on she'll change her mind and want to, so there is nothing to lose by rushing it. It's pretty simple."
"Thanks," Peter said, "OK, so I'm definitely going to try and kiss her, but what then. How do you know if it's OK to feel a girl up?"
"It's the same thing. Kiss awhile, make sure she's liking you, and then try a little feel up."
"What's a little feel up?"
"Man you are dense. Outside her bra, over her blouse. Then slip your hand inside her blouse. Then inside her bra. You know, it can't be too hard."
Peter blushed listening to Owen. It was all brand new to him - and he was scared. The thought of having his hand touch Lauren's bra and then feel her breast inside it made him feel intense stabs of desire. It was a powerful force and he knew that he wouldn't be able to relax until after he had tried to touch her. He prayed that she would not reject him.
The next night, the dance was once again at Camp Shoni and this time there was a tangible excitement in the air as many of the girls awaited particular boys coming from Camp Dan. Very much among them were Thalia and Lauren, with the latter particularly happy to be wearing Joan's gel pads. She felt more confidant that no matter what the evening provided she would not be embarrassed by Peter finding out that she really did not have enough breasts for him to put his hands on. The trick would be to not let him inside her bra; no matter how overcome with the fog of romance she might end up, particularly if they kissed, she would keep one little part of her mind focused on making sure he didn't quite get all the way to second base.
After about half the boys were off the bus, Lauren saw Owen and Peter walking together toward she and Thalia. When they arrived, Lauren saw that Owen gave Thalia a very conspicuous kiss on the lips, while Peter merely embraced her. For a split second she had thought he was going to kiss her, as if he had been planning to, but at the last minute had chickened out. Lauren felt a pang of jealousy, but then felt a bit sorry for Peter since he looked more than a little bit nervous. She decided that one way or another she would make sure that that didn't happen again.
"So great to see you again," Peter said.
"How sweet of you," Lauren said cheerfully and added "the week flew by."
"I thought it took forever!" Peter said.
"I guess we've got a lot more to do at Camp Shoni than at Camp Dan," Lauren said.
"I meant waiting to see you again," Peter said a bit awkwardly.
"I know silly," Lauren said laughing. She could see clearly how nervous he was. "And I thought about you," Lauren said now deciding she had better rescue Peter from his nerves. The deep bass of "Gimme Some Lovin," by the Spencer Davis Group was throbbing through the dance hall and Lauren said, "Oh, that's one of my favorite songs! Let's dance."
"Great," Peter said relieved by what she had said and by the chance to dance without having to think of something intelligent to say.
The physical exertion of dancing helped Peter to finally relax. He and Lauren were now clearly an "entity" and with that settled they could concentrate on getting to know each other better. Lauren especially liked the slow dances where she could feel enveloped within the human warmth of Peter. With his fairly strong arm pressed on her back she felt secure and free of having to do anything more than just float around in the little world she formed with him. In this situation, where they didn't have to look at each other's faces, Peter came to life and talked more freely and made jokes that Lauren appreciated. He had a wry kind of cynical humor that struck the right chord with her.
It seemed to Lauren like it would be an easy next step for Peter to kiss her while they danced, but he made no attempt to, except once when she thought that he had kissed her forehead. They must have danced ten dances together when Lauren suggested they get some refreshments and she took advantage of the break to excuse herself to freshen up in the girl's room. Once there, as she stared at her face in the mirror, she touched up her makeup including reapplying her favorite shade of pink lipstick.
When she was done, she was pleased with the result. She decided that she was definitely pretty, the kind of pretty face that Peter would want to kiss, but maybe a bit too pretty so that he was afraid to do so. She did think he was good looking but she wasn't sure that he felt that he was. Maybe if he did, then he would have more confidence. So she decided that come hell or high water she was going to: number one, make sure that they went outside to sit on one of the "makeout benches" that many of the kids took advantage of at every dance; number two, flatter him a little bit to get him to relax; and, finally, number three, apply Joan's advice to get Peter to grab her and kiss her. She really wanted to swoon with their first kiss; it was so long in coming!
When Lauren came back to the dance floor, she looked around for Peter but couldn't see him anywhere. She went over to the refreshment table and he was nowhere in sight. She decided that maybe he too had gone to the rest room and she sauntered around the dance floor looking for a girl friend to talk to. She saw Judy in the distance and was heading her way when Brian intercepted her. He had come up upon her suddenly and surprised her.
"Hi Lauren, let's dance," he said cheerfully. A slow song was just coming on and Lauren hesitated worrying that it wouldn't look good to Peter if she were dancing with Brian. It was also the case that she felt vulnerable to Brian's charm - after all she had spent a whole week having a major crush on him.
"C'mon," Brian said seeing that Lauren didn't seem to be objecting and he took her hand and had her fall into place dancing with him. As much as she had grown fond of dancing with Peter, there was something about Brian's charisma that stoked her excitement. Perhaps it was the danger of being seduced by the more mature and manlier man. Luckily for she and Peter she was certain that Brian was only fooling around with her. He surely hadn't suddenly had a change of heart and decided to go with her.
"You're looking especially pretty today," Brian said.
"Thank you," Lauren said somewhat stiffly.
"Are you still mad at me?" Brian asked with some amusement in his voice.
"I was never mad," Lauren said.
"Hurt then?"
"I was never hurt," Lauren lied.
Brian made a tiny sound like a snort or a laugh and Lauren knew that he didn't believe her for a second.
"I like you Lauren because you're real. You're not phony like a lot of the girls out there who feel they have to always play games."
Yeah, Lauren thought, she had been so real she had asked Brian to kiss her. No game playing there! But the more she thought about it, the more she had to admit to herself that Brian hadn't played a game either. He had told her straight out that she was too young for him.
"You're not a game player either," Lauren said.
"Thank you for saying that. Most people don't get that about me."
"So we're friends, that's good," Lauren said.
Brian held her a bit tighter. "You are tempting," he said.
Just then Lauren saw Peter standing to one side watching her dance with Brian. As Brian swung her around so that he was facing Peter, he said, "you're boy friend is watching us."
"You're jealous," Lauren said.
"Who wouldn't be?" Brian said, "But I'll survive, somehow."
"Poor Brian," Lauren said.
Brian laughed. "You're fun Lauren. If you were two years older I'd marry you."
"So in two years you're going to propose?"
Brian smiled at her,"As soon as you're no longer jail bait."
"I'll be waiting," Lauren said.
The song ended and Brian gave Lauren an extra squeeze and walked away. Lauren turned toward Peter and walked over to him.
"So what's that about?" Peter said.
"We're friends. I met Brian the first dance and now I've had one dance with him at each of the other dances."
"He's like the coolest guy in camp," Peter said.
"Do you know him?"
Peter wanted to say that cool guys like Brian never noticed guys like him, but instead he said, "a little." He would have liked to hear some reassurance from Lauren that he had nothing to worry about as far as Brian was concerned, but decided against saying anything about that.
"Let's go outside," Peter said and took Lauren by the hand. They walked out through the main door and down a landscaped path that was lined with benches. They found an empty bench and sat down. It was just far enough from the lights at the door that it would be hard to see what they were doing, if they decided to do anything. So number one in Lauren's plan to get Peter to kiss her had been accomplished without her having to do anything. That was good. Now she would have to enact part two of her scheme.
They sat on the bench in silence for a minute and Lauren said, "this is turning out to be a great summer!"
"It sure is," Peter said.
"Tell me why," Lauren said.
Peter looked at her and then down at the ground. "Because I met you."
"You seem so shy saying that," Lauren said.
"I'm sorry," Peter said.
"No, no, no, I mean that shy is good. I like shy boys."
"You do?"
"Sure. I think I'm kind of shy too. It's just the way some people, a lot of people, are."
Peter smiled at her. It was clear that her words were helping ease his mind about some of the worries he had about being cool.
"Shyness is a burden," Peter said.
"But one you don't have to always lug around with you," Lauren said laughing. This conversation was going just the way she wanted.
"Agreed. So now that I won't be shy any more, what should I do?"
"Yes, I'm wondering the same thing," Lauren said, "what will you do?" This was the moment to enact part three of her plan and she smiled as intensely at Peter as she could and slid and leaned over a little more toward him so their legs were just touching. She could see Peter making a great effort to fight some inner demon that prevented him from kissing her. It occurred to Lauren that maybe he just didn't know how to kiss a girl and that was why he was so hesitant.
She waited a minute or two smiling at him until her mouth muscles felt tired from the effort. Still no kiss. She lifted her hand and without exactly concentrating on where it would land let it slowly move down. It came to rest on Peter's thigh and while she let it just ever so gently rest there, she smiled again at Peter and tilted her head slightly as if being just ever so slightly submissive to him. To her relief she finally felt Peter moving in closer and with a flutter in her heart she felt his lips against hers. It was a gentle, tentative kiss he gave her and then he backed off. A start Lauren thought but still not what she was expecting. She waited for him to kiss her again. It occurred to her that maybe he was waiting to find out if she screamed or freaked out or protested in some way. She wondered if she should say something to encourage him, like "nice kiss" or something like that.
Lauren adjusted her position to be even closer to Peter. She realized that her hand still rested on his thigh and she took it off, smoothed her skirt a bit and let it fall back on his leg. Peter again came forward and kissed her and this time his arm came across Lauren's back and gently drew her more closely into him so their kiss became firmer. Lauren wondered if this was a plan of Peter's to drive her into a tremendous excitement. If it was, it was working perfectly. Maybe Peter was actually a master of seduction and knew way more than he let on that he knew about what he was doing.
Peter had still to part his lips and they kissed lips to lips with Lauren feeling more and more woozy with each second. The slow march forward with Peter was so infinitely different than with Marcie who was almost like a cave man in the aggressive way she had kissed her. Peter kissed as if there was all the time in the world. He pulled away again and Lauren took a deep breath.
"Your kiss is so dreamy," she said wanting to encourage him to do more.
This was the first time Peter had ever kissed a girl, but he had seen enough movies that he felt like he knew what to do. He was pretending he was in a movie and it made it a lot easier to act.
Lauren couldn't stand the pauses and the delicate kisses. She now wanted a deep, soulful kiss where she could suck on Peter's tongue. She hoped that he knew about French kissing. She moved her arm up around Peter's neck catching it in the crook of her bent arm and she drew herself closer into him. She had seen an actress in a movie do the same maneuver and it had the powerful affect of thrusting Peter's lips against hers, only this time she slipped her own tongue out between her lips to push into Peter's mouth. He parted his lips and she put her tongue slightly into his mouth. She felt his tongue touch her's and then push her tongue back into her own mouth with his following. Now Lauren was in heaven. It was a sweet, long, gentle kiss in which she wrapped her mouth around his tongue. Her one arm held his neck and the other rested on his thigh. Peter had one arm across her back and the other came up and lightly held her jaw. It seemed like a magic moment.
Lauren focused on how the kiss made her feel feminine. It was natural for a girl to kiss a boy and to the extent she allowed herself to fall fully and heavily into her female self she felt the moment was perfect. Kissing a boy seemed to remove any doubt in Lauren's mind about what sex she really was. As her mind floated in a happy and soaring place she allowed herself to feel Peter's masculinity. Her fingers slid over his chest and gently landed on his upper arms and she sensed the tensed hardness of his muscles.
As she enjoyed the intimacy with Peter she wondered what his next move would be. Being felt up for the first time would be a rite of passage into a world that only girls knew about. To have a boy feel your breasts, even if only through the fabric of a bra, was a wonderful admission of one's femininity: that one had a bra and the boy didn't, that one had breasts and the boy didn't, that the boy was driven to distraction by these parts of your girlhood. Lauren felt a tingling in her nipples as they waited for whatever may come. If not this night, then certainly in a week's time. It was delicious.
Of course, Lauren was flat-chested, and flat-chested in the most disastrous way that boys are - with not even a decent sized nipple. Not even a slight puffiness around her boy's nipples - "breast buds" - for her to offer to Peter. All she could give him was the illusion of breasts consisting of gel pads in her bra. Better than nothing for sure, but not what Lauren wanted for herself.
One day, she would somehow, someway, get herself real breasts. And once she and Peter began what she knew would be the inevitable rise in their intimacy to include her breasts - with Peter more than likely becoming obsessed with knowing them - then Lauren would have to devise all kinds of tricks to prevent Peter from getting inside her bra. She would have to distract him in some way - take advantage of his arousal - she would fill in the details when the time came.
But now, despite the steadily increasing passion with which Peter kissed her, he was not making a move to feel her up. While she relaxed and enjoyed the now long and fulfilling kisses with Peter, a sudden insight came to her: her excitement in being kissed by Peter depended on his masculinity. She would never want to kiss a boy who was like herself. So a boy's masculinity provoked her own femininity - and that explained why Brian even more so than Peter made her feel hopelessly like a girl. But the truth was that in some ways Marcie made her feel even more like a girl than Peter or Brian did. It had to do with being more feminine than Marcie. It was not challenging to be more feminine than a guy like Peter or Brian. But to be more feminine than a girl, that was a real confirmation of one's femininity.
With Marcie, Lauren could be as frivolous and silly and delicate as she wanted - it could only amuse her. The same behavior with Peter would probably make him run to the hills. It was crystal clear now: to be Marcie's girl friend was to be even more of a girl than to be Peter's girl friend. To be a girl in a man's world vs. being a girl in a girl's world.
Despite all of this, Lauren felt she had the capacity to love both Peter and Marcie and she felt completed by loving both of them. Going to the cotillion with Peter was going to be everything she had ever dreamed about, and she would make sure that she did nothing to jeopardize that. On the other hand, if she also felt an especially deep longing to be Marcie's pretty and gentle girlfriend that was good too and she would let that relationship blossom as well.
End Part V
To Be Continued...
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 6
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Denied the opportunity to enroll in Camp Dan as one
of the older campers, Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 6
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved. |
Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from
123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 16
The next week was an overnight hike and camping trip for girls up to and including Lauren's age. The older of the girls would carry backpacks containing their sleeping bag, clothes, and whatever else they felt was important to have with them. The hike was billed as arduous, following a route that took them over and around a few mountains. The plan was to sleep out under the stars, but if it rained, the camp would supply two-person tents for everyone.
For many of the girls the trip was a highlight of the summer, but for Lauren, as nice a diversion as the hike might be, the crowning jewel of the summer would have to be the cotillion. In fact, she would have been more than happy to stay behind alone in the cabin so she could go through the closet with the cotillion dresses and check them out one by one. To feel the different fabrics and study the details of the pretty dresses would be totally exciting. Hiking through the woods carrying a heavy backpack was something more suited for boys, at least from her rather singular point of view.
Lauren worried about her stamina and particularly whether or not she'd be able to carry a backpack a long distance. The night before the trip the girls were given the chance to put on their backpacks to see if they could handle them. For Lauren her worst fear was realized when she felt the dead weight on her back. It was very uncomfortable and when Marilyn asked the girls if anyone was having a problem with their packs, Lauren's face gave away her answer.
"What's the matter Lauren?" Marilyn asked.
"I think my pack may be too heavy," Lauren said sheepishly.
"It's as heavy as that of any of the other girls," Marilyn said.
"I know, I know," Lauren said. She couldn't believe that no one else felt like she did. There must be bunnies and bunnies. The pack really did seem too heavy for her.
"Maybe it's having to carry your big boobs also," Marilyn said and the girls laughed. Even Lauren had to stifle a chuckle.
"I don't think so," Lauren said. That, in fact, was the one great things about the trip. She'd be able to walk along in the forest feeling as much if not more like a girl than her friends. No swimming or boating activities to make her have to take her boobs in and out. With her bunny tee shirt pressed tightly over her breasts she would look and feel wonderfully grown up. Her plan was to concentrate on being as graceful as she could be on the hike. Hopefully she wouldn't come across any bugs or animals that might scare her.
As it turned out, Eileen also spoke up about her heavy pack and Marilyn assured Lauren and her that it if turned into a major problem something would be done about it. Lauren was relieved that she wasn't the only girl who was anxious about carrying too much weight.
Before they went to bed, Joan and Thalia told Lauren they could sympathize with her. They were also nervous about the hike, but they also liked the challenge of being self-sufficient.
"The packs are heavy," Joan said, "but I think it's worth the effort."
"Particularly if boys can carry them," Thalia said, "then I like to feel that I can too."
"Exactly," Joan said.
Their remarks made Lauren wonder about herself. She might not be a real girl in some sense, but she certainly wasn't a boy either, if for no other reason than she knew that she really wasn't strong enough to carry the backpack without it hurting her. Anyway, if she had to lug it along on the hike she would do so and try and not complain.
That night she tossed and turned before going to sleep worrying about the backpack and the length of the hike and every other little thing. She finally fell off to sleep and awhile later suddenly awoke having to pee terribly.
An extensive and complicated dream that she had been having, when she woke up, poured into her consciousness. It had been about searching for her favorite panties and not being able to find them. She had had to go pee very bad but for some reason she had to first find her panties. She walked about the cabin naked looking for them with her hands trying to hide her penis. It was evening, but all the girls were awake and hanging out in the cabin. The girls didn't seem to notice what she was doing.
Finally she saw what must be her panties in one of the girl's cubbies, but she was too afraid to ask if they were hers. She hesitated not knowing what to do. The need to pee kept increasing and she had to concentrate on not having an accident. What should she do, what should she do? Then she thought that no one was watching her and she held up the panties to look at them carefully and saw that they weren't what she was expecting. They were close to hers, pink with little hearts on them, but the hearts were the wrong size. The panties also had a bow that was the wrong color and was on the side and not the front. Her bladder ached to pee, but she couldn't afford to give up the search for her panties.
Finally, the pee urge had gotten so strong, she abandoned the panty search and realized she had better find a bathroom. For some reason the normal camp bathrooms were inaccessible and she had to wander around a strange building crowded with people looking for an alternative. She found one, but it turned out to be locked.
Then she started running around desperately looking for another bathroom until she found one on a different floor of the building, but when she entered it, she saw that it did not have any stalls. Desperate to pee, she found another bathroom and luckily it was unlocked and had stalls but all the stalls were taken. She had to go so bad she couldn't wait for the girls in there to finish peeing so she left and looked elsewhere on another floor.
Then she found a men's room and she was terrified to go in it, but she had to pee so strong she had better do it. The men's room was right there. She could go in and pee. No one would see her.
Then she remembered that she was really Lorin. If she wanted to, she could just turn into him and go in and pee and be done with it. It would just take a second. But then she remembered that she was now somehow wearing pantyhose and a dress and she didn't know how she would be able to use a urinal. She'd have to pull down her pantyhose. But she'd have a dress on and she'd have to raise the dress up and hold down her pantyhose and her panties. Someone would see her. A man would come in and see her struggling. She had to pee; it was so awful she couldn't stand it. Anything was better than the pain in her bladder and then she woke up, sweating terribly, her heart beating a mile a minute.
She knew she was about to wet her bed and she got up and ran to the bathroom.
Before dawn, even before the normal time to get up, Marilyn woke up the girls telling them it was time to get dressed for the hike. They assembled, had an early breakfast and then the whole lower camp formed a long line starting with the youngest girls and ending with the girls of Lauren's age. Each age group of girls hiked together with a five minute departure delay between groups. The path they were to follow was marked by white dots painted on the trees. The idea was that each group of girls would have to make sure they saw the dots, or they would end up getting lost.
Lauren was talking with Thalia and Joan when Marcie came up to them and joined in the conversation. The counselors announced that the girls had to pair up for the hike and as it happened Thalia and Joan were standing next to each other and agreed to become partners while Marcie took Lauren's hand and said that they would be partners.
"Great," Lauren said, "I hope I'm not too slow for you."
"I'll make you keep up," Marcie said.
"I don't know if I can carry my backpack the whole day," Lauren said.
"Maybe you should be with the little girls - they don't have to carry backpacks. I'm sure that they could find an 8 year old that could trade places with you," Marcie said.
"I know I might sound like a baby," Lauren said, "but I've never been very strong. I can't lift very much. My dad and older sister always carried anything I needed to carry."
"Like I said once before. You set back the women's lib movement a hundred years. But I like you that way. Somehow it works for you. I don't know why just yet, but it does. You make me want to take care of you. My little Lauren pet," and Marcie laughed.
Lauren felt a great urge to kiss Marcie but they were standing next to many of the other girls so she just whispered in Marcie's ear, "if we were alone I'd give you the biggest kiss that I could."
Marcie laughed and squeezed Lauren's hand and then whispered back to her, "we'll get alone and I will make you kiss me!"
Lauren blushed and she felt her heart beat more rapidly in her chest. The thought of Marcie demanding a kiss from her seemed terribly exciting.
The older girls finally got the signal to move on out and they set out, two by two following the marked path through the forest.
Almost immediately Lauren felt weighed down by her pack. It seemed like she was carrying a load of bricks, but it was just her sleeping bag and a change of clothes, a flashlight and a few other things. She and Marcie walked behind Joan and Thalia. Lauren looked around at the other girls. No one that she could see seemed to be weighted down by their packs like she was.
"What's the matter?" Marcie asked, seeing the frown on Lauren's face.
"I'm suffering with this backpack," Lauren said.
"Give it to me," Marcie said, "let me see how heavy it is."
Lauren took off the pack and handed it to Marcie. "It's no heavier than mine. You're like one of the eight year olds."
"It's not funny, Marcie. Some girls are just born stronger than others. Like I said, I've never been good at lifting and carrying things."
"Let me feel your muscles," Marcie said. "Flex your arm."
Lauren tried to make a muscle appear in her arm but nothing showed up, no matter how much she tried.
"No sign of a muscle," Marcie said feeling her arm with her hand. "I think you've got the girliest arms I've ever seen. Pure girl through and through. But they are very pretty. I think you've got very pretty ballerina arms."
"Ballerina arms?" Lauren said, secretly happy. "That sounds nice."
"You've got the body for the Mariinsky or Bolshoi. You ought to take up ballet."
"Really?" Lauren's imagination started to take off. She could see herself dancing.
"You're like one of the best in the chorus Line."
Lauren giggled and Marcie continued. "I'd love to see you in a tutu, your perfect little buns in a ruffled panty and your thin pencil legs and arms. We should see if Marilyn has got a tutu that fits you." Marcie was still carrying Lauren's backpack. "Let me put some of your stuff in my pack, maybe that'll ease the load for you."
"Thanks Marcie, you're sure you don't mind?"
"It's nothing. You've got enough to do with just carrying your boobs," Marcie said laughing and proceeded to put everything except Lauren's sleeping bag in her own pack and returned Lauren's backpack to her.
Lauren put it on. "That's much better." She looked down at her lovely boobs and thought that yes indeed she was carrying them around. And maybe Marcie would get some benefit from them that night, if she wanted to.
After lunch, they hiked another hour when the line of girls came to a halt. In short order a rumor spread down the column of girls that there was a river up ahead that they had to cross. The girls carrying their packs would have to walk over a monkey bridge consisting of a single thick rope to step on and two hand ropes for stability.
For the girls who were too scared to do the monkey bridge, they could walk across the river on extremely slippery rocks or they could have a counselor carry them across. For girls who were brave, without their back packs, they could pull themselves across the river dangling upside down from a single rope. To Lauren none of the alternatives seemed OK. The bridge and the rocks seemed really scary, the single rope was beyond ridiculous and having a counselor carry her across was humiliating. Lauren had a mental picture of Marilyn carrying her across the river with the other girls watching. It was way too embarrassing. She would have to take the monkey bridge like most of the girls. Somehow, someway she would have to find the courage to do it.
After an hour of waiting, Lauren's group made it to the river. Lauren felt anxious and fearful and fought the urge to cry. Marcie excitedly said, "look at the rope. I'm going to do that."
She noticed Lauren's face and said, "you look like you've seen a ghost."
Up to this point Lauren had imagined Marcie being behind her on the monkey bridge ready to grab her if she fell. "I'm a little nervous about the monkey bridge. I'm not totally sure I can do it."
"Lauren," Marcie said, "the little girls have all done it. Are you going to be like a little baby?"
"That's not nice Marcie," Lauren said.
"I'm sorry Lauren. Don't you think you're being a tad silly. You shouldn't say you can't do it until you've tried."
"You're right," Lauren said, feeling a nervous tightness in her tummy. "I'm sorry. I will try to do the monkey bridge."
"Just remember to push out to the side with the hand ropes and you'll be OK. You won't fall in."
"You're sure?" Lauren said.
Marcie put her arm over Lauren's shoulder. "You're going to do just fine."
Lauren felt comforted by Marcie but was still worried. "I was hoping that you would be going behind me. That way you could save me."
"Sweetie, you're being way too dramatic. I want to do the rope. You've got three counselors in the water who can catch you. Of course, you're not going to fall. It's ridiculous." Lauren forced herself to visualize the counselors below the monkey bridge rushing to catch her as she fell and bringing her gently to the ground on the other side of the river. That might be humiliating Lauren thought, but not as humiliating as not even trying the bridge.
"OK, Marcie." Lauren was a tiny bit hurt that Marcie did not care more about protecting her than crossing on the rope but then scolded herself for being so selfish. It wasn't that Marcie didn't love her. It was because Marcie respected her that she didn't join in with Lauren's paranoia about the monkey bridge.
When they got closer to the bridge, Marcie headed off to the rope while Lauren, Joan and Thalia lined up to take the bridge. "This is so cool," Joan said.
"I wish so," Lauren said, "I think it's scary."
"What Marcie's doing, that's scary," Thalia said.
"She's incredible," Lauren said, "I could never do half of what she does."
"If you're scared," Joan said, "why don't you go in between Thalia and me. That way you can look at how Thalia does it and I'll be behind you in case you have trouble."
"Oh, that would be so great," Lauren said. There were now about ten girls in front of them lined up behind the start of the bridge. Lauren could start to see the bridge and river through the trees.
When they finally got right up to the bridge the scene in front of Lauren was as scary as she had imagined. There was a steep drop down an embankment to the river that was rushing wildly. The monkey bridge seemed to be twenty feet in the air and stretched a long distance from one side to the other. There was a line of girls on the monkey bridge slowly making their way across the river. Below them counselors in wading boots walked back and forth underneath preparing to catch any girl that might slip off. Nearby was the rope that the girls could use to pull themselves across the river and Lauren couldn't believe her eyes as she saw several girls rapidly scampering across the river upside down.
Then she saw Marcie going across and Lauren, Thalia and Joan yelled encouragement to her. Downstream from where she stood, Lauren could see the slippery rocks and no one was even trying them. One girl who was a couple of years younger than Lauren seemed to be sobbing and a counselor was carrying her across the river.
In short order, Thalia proceeded to enter the monkey bridge and Lauren inched up to the edge behind her. Lauren raptly watched Thalia's progress.
"Come on Lauren," Joan said, "it's time to go."
Lauren turned to look at her and then turned back to face the monkey bridge and she began moving out. She went out a yard or two and Joan yelled encouragement to her to keep on going. Thalia turned her head around to look and said, "great Lauren!"
Lauren gave her a forced smile and said, "it's so scary."
"Don't worry, keep going," Joan urged and Lauren moved out over the void below her.
On the other bank stood Amy Rovelstad who surveyed the scene in front of her. She noticed Lauren hesitating to go across the monkey bridge and then slowly start out. The poor girl is shaking like a leaf, she thought and then corrected herself: the poor boy or maybe perhaps girl was shaking like a leaf. She was about to direct one of the counselors to get underneath Lauren when she saw two of them heading directly there. They were good at picking out the girls who were frightened and might end up fainting or freezing up. One year a girl had actually fallen off the bridge and luckily had been caught unharmed.
Amy walked closer to get a better look at Lauren. She focused her eyes on Lauren and then looked away quickly trying to decide if she had the impression of seeing a girl or not. The image she had in her mind's eye was of a thin, frail girl, unusually well endowed wearing a pretty pink tee shirt and shorts. She stole another glance at Lauren this time concentrating on Lauren's legs and decided that they were definitely not boy legs. There was a shape to them and a softness that only girls legs had.
Of all the girls that she had seen cross the river that day, Lauren and just a few of the youngest girls seemed to be terrified. If she were a boy, then Lauren would be unlike any boys Amy had known. By now Lauren had made it half way across and seemed to be gaining some self-confidence. It was cute to see her friends ahead and behind her giving her support. That was another thing to consider, Amy thought. Wouldn't the girls in Lauren's cabin be the first to notice that she was not acting like a girl? And thus far there had not been the slightest hint that any of them were suspicious of Lauren's gender. At least as far as Amy knew.
When Lauren got to the other side Marcie and Thalia were waiting for her and cheered loudly. In a second Joan joined them and congratulated Lauren on toughing it out. "I know I wouldn't have made it without you," Lauren said. "I can't tell you how frightened I was."
"We could see it plain as day," Joan said, "and we're as relieved as you are that you made it. I was so worried you'd panic and fall off the bridge."
"The counselors would catch her," Marcie said.
"We hope," Thalia said.
Lauren enjoyed the attention and was especially pleased to know that the girls cared so much about her. It was also nice to think that girls actually helped each other out, as against the boys. Lauren was sure that in the same situation, Lorin would have been laughed at by the other boys. They'd call him a sissy. He could imagine the boys shaking the bridge just to get him to fall. Another thing about boy's that Lauren did not regret leaving behind along with Lorin.
After another couple of hours the girls reached a large open field that would be their campsite for the night. It had gotten cloudy during the late afternoon and a few drops of rain had fallen. The counselors decided that they should distribute tents and have the girls put them up. There was just enough daylight to get the job done. Both Lauren and Marcie immediately grasped the significance of their sharing a tent instead of lying under the stars. They would have some precious privacy to kiss each other.
Lauren and Marcie pitched their tent next to that of Joan and Thalia. When all the tents were up, the girls assembled for dinner at a large campfire where they roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. As night descended and it still wasn't raining more than a few drops, one of the counselors told a scary story about a white hand that roamed the forest, sneaking into tents and strangling the girls inside. The thought was too frightening for Lauren and she put her hands over her ears trying to muffle the sound of the counselor's voice. One of the girls in Marcie's cabin yelled out "there it is!" and many of the youngest girls screamed in panic while the older girls laughed. While Lauren shivered quietly wishing the terrible story would end, suddenly it started to rain in earnest and the campers ran to their tents to stay dry.
Once inside their tent, Marcie and Lauren tied the flaps closed and Lauren double checked to make sure there was no way that a white hand could get in. Marcie observed her and laughed, "you are such a baby Lauren."
"I'm sorry Marcie. I know I won't be able to sleep if there is any way that the hand could come in here."
"There is no hand," Marcie said.
"I know that," Lauren said, "but I'm still afraid."
"I'll be right next to you the whole night," Marcie said. "If anything tries to grab you, I won't let them."
"You might be sleeping."
They had spread their sleeping bags side by side and were sitting on them. Marcie got out their flashlights and turned one on. "I think it's possible to zip the two sleeping bags together to make one large one," Marcie said.
"I'll be OK," Lauren said realizing that maybe things were getting out of control. She had not anticipated being in the same sleeping bag with Marcie. Sharing a tent was great, but sharing a sleeping bag meant that any time during the night Marcie might suddenly find out about Lauren's secret. Just a stray foot or hand would be all it would take.
"No, Lauren. I think it'll be a lot of fun. You'll see!"
As Marcie unzipped the two bags and then arranged them to zip together Lauren pretended to be helping and said, "I guess it can't be done."
"Not so fast," Marcie said and then added, "see it works perfectly. Go get into your nightie," Marcie said. "I'm almost done."
Lauren obeyed her. She had taken a pink gown with her and she fetched it out of Marcie's back pack. Turning her back on Marcie she changed into it. "You sleep with your bra on?" Marcie asked.
"I love sleeping with my breasts. Is that OK?"
Marcie laughed. "It's fine with me. You know I love feeling you up, though I do love your skinny little figure also. I can pet you either way."
Lauren laughed, "pet me? That sounds funny".
"You are my little pet aren't you?"
"Like a bunny?"
"Cuter, like a little kitten. I'm done with the zipper. Now you can slip inside the sleeping bag while I change. I don't like to wear anything when I sleep. I hope you don't mind."
"No, I guess not," Lauren said, her mind already imagining what it would be like to be lying almost naked with Marcie in the sleeping bag. She wondered what Marcie had on her mind to do with her in the dark. The thought stirred up emotions in Lauren that quickly overwhelmed her worries about exposing herself to being found out. The night was going to be fun in ways she could only guess.
Unlike Lauren, Marcie wasn't shy about taking off her top and she did so facing Lauren so that Lauren could see her bra the moment it was revealed. It wasn't the first time Lauren had seen Marcie in her bra. At the rehearsals for "A Chorus Line," the two of them were often in the dressing room together getting into their leotards and tights. Marcie tended to wear tee shirt bras that were smooth underneath tee shirts. They were always white with no ornamentation and that was the case for the bra she was wearing now. Marcie was on the large side of a B cup and when she took off her bra, Lauren saw her ample bosoms for the first time. Marcie then undid her belt buckle and slid her shorts off until she was wearing just her panties. Uncharacteristic of Marcie, her panties had a design of small hearts on them. Lauren wondered if they were the panties in her dream the night before.
Marcie climbed into the sleeping bag. Out of sight of Lauren she pulled down her panties and took them off. Her knee brushed Lauren's thigh just an inch below her panty and Lauren felt a jolt of anxiety. Just inches from her face Lauren could see Marcie's bare white bosoms protruding from her chest, capped by bright red nipples.
"What's the matter Lauren? Still scared about the hand?"
"Yes," Lauren said. It wasn't exactly a lie.
"You're all tensed up. I want you to relax."
"OK," Lauren croaked.
"Isn't this nice. You and me together in this little tent. In bed together."
"Yeah," Lauren said. Marcie was right, it was nice and she reminded herself to stop worrying about what had not happened and was likely to not happen.
"You're trembling like a little fawn in front of a wolf," Marcie said and laughed. She suddenly rolled over on top of Lauren and looked down at her. Lauren pulled a few stray hairs from her own face and looked up at Marcie. Marcie leaned down and put her lips over Lauren's and they kissed. It was a nice gentle kiss that gradually heated up as Marcie gently slid her tongue inside Lauren's mouth.
Lauren felt herself relaxing and losing all inhibitions in the pleasure of the intimacy. It was nice kissing Marcie and feeling her naked body pressed against her. Though her filmy pink gown was between them, the warm soft presence of Marcie was a powerful elixir that made Lauren drunk with happiness. Marcie's thigh was pushed between Lauren's legs in exactly the way Lauren had imagined would make her secret vulnerable to exposure. There was no way Lauren could turn or move to lessen the risk that Marcie might feel the tell tale bulge against her leg. But Lauren felt resigned to her fate and she let all worries about her secret fly off into the night.
After a good fifteen minutes of deep, satisfying kisses, Marcie rolled to the side a bit so that one of Lauren's large breasts within her bra swung in between her naked breasts. Lauren felt Marcie's hand over her bra, gently massaging the large protuberance of her breasts. "You can touch me," Marcie said, "I would like that."
Lauren raised one arm and gently laid it on Marcie's rear end and slid it gently around feeling the perfect shapely swell of her butt as it rolled down to her thighs and into her crack. Lauren used her other hand to cover Marcie's breast; the solid bulk of it was surprising and the hardness of the erect nipple seemed to indicate the extent of Marcie's arousal. This was a crazy thing. Two girls in the same sleeping bag, hidden in their tent, while all around them a hundred campers innocently went to bed. Only Marcie could orchestrate such a forbidden gambit. It fit in with the stories that circulated in camp about her exploits in past years.
Marcie slid her hand inside Lauren's bra and underneath the breast form and then covered Lauren's boy's breast. Marcie gathered Lauren's small nipple between her two fingers and squeezed it slightly. It was the first time Marcie had done that. The feeling was immensely pleasurable and Lauren felt herself craving the attention Marcie was giving to her breast more than anything else in the world. Lauren imagined her life spinning around Marcie's steady caressing of her sensitive nipple. Almost absentmindedly Lauren continued to play with Marcie's breasts.
"You have the most sensitive breasts I've ever heard of," Marcie said.
"I would do anything for this pleasure. Don't ever stop," Lauren whispered.
Marcie giggled, "you have the most amazing body." She gave Lauren another long kiss while squeezing the nipple on her other breast and Lauren moaned softly with the rapture of the sensation.
After awhile both of Lauren's breasts tingled with a wondrous glow of pleasure and Marcie lay on her back next to Lauren and turned out the flashlight. She put her arm across Lauren's back and gathered her in so that Lauren's cheek rested on her breast. Thus cradled in Marcie's arms, Lauren smiled in the dark with the pleasure of feeling so completely loved and cared for. She felt tired from the long hike and the excitement of the river crossing and she began to nod off. Some time later she heard Marcie's voice coming from very far away.
"I know who you are Lauren," she was saying.
Lauren's eyes popped open in the dark. Marcie didn't say anything else and Lauren wondered if she had imagined it, and she drifted off back to a half sleep. Then Marcie said, "I know you're a guy."
In the pitch black Lauren looked up into Marcie's face and tears formed in her eyes.
Marcie rolled over toward Lauren and slowly moved her free hand down Lauren's chest to her stomach and then stopped at the top of Lauren's panty.
"Don't Marcie," Lauren said. Tears rolled down Lauren's cheeks and she felt Marcie hold her even tighter.
Marcie's hand gently landed on top of Lauren's panty and felt the small bulge underneath, and then moved away.
"I realized that you didn't have breast buds. No girl is as flat as you are."
Lauren was openly crying now but muffled the sound as much as she could since the other tents were very close by.
"I'm not going to tell anyone. You know that, so there is no need to cry."
Lauren whispered to Marcie, "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry about?" Marcie said.
Lauren thought for a minute and said, "because I deceived you and because you're stuck here with a guy in your sleeping bag."
Marcie laughed. "I don't know exactly what kind of boy you are Lauren, but you're not like any boy I've ever met. You may have a penis, but that is about all. Right now I still think of you as a girl, even with your penis. You're like a weird girl who's got a penis. Not a boy pretending to be a girl. You think and act like a girl and if you have any muscles like a boy I have yet to see them. Besides, you cry at the drop of a hat like some girls do. As far as that goes, I think I'm more boy than you are or will ever be."
"I love you, Marcie," Lauren said, and snuggled her face tighter into Marcie's breasts.
"You're my little pet, Lauren, and I intend to take care of you. I want to protect you," Marcie looked down at her.
"What if somebody else finds out about me? You might get punished too."
"You and I know I haven't done anything wrong. That's good enough for me."
Lauren threw her arms around Marcie's neck and hugged her.
Marcie shook her head back and forth and began to laugh. "I always saw myself as the one person around here who wasn't afraid of the rules. But damn if you don't make me look like a Sunday school teacher. I want to hear the whole story. Every bit of it."
"It's a long story."
"We've got all night."
And Lauren told her everything. How she had been disappointed about the cotillion and about changing the application from Camp Dan to Camp Shoni. About her trials and tribulations in finding clothes and every other girlish thing she needed for camp. About her joy at getting her cotillion dress. About how Beth taught her to be a girl, about getting her hair cut at Poughkeepsie. And especially about how certain she was that she was a girl through and through except for a stupid biological mistake.
"It breaks my heart to think what will come of you later. After camp. What will you be doing then?"
"I was thinking of going home as Lauren and just facing the music," Lauren said.
Marcie laughed. "Really, like it's that simple? You'll get crushed. No one will allow you to be yourself. Getting hormones? Wishful thinking."
Lauren covered her ears and began sobbing. "I'm sorry Lauren," Marcie said, "but the one thing about me is being a realist. If you had the greatest parents in the world then maybe they would help you live as a girl. I pray that is how they are."
Lauren calmed down and said, "I guess you're a good friend to tell me the truth, at least as you see it. I don't know, maybe I'll chicken out and go back as a boy. But the one truth is that when Marilyn gave me the bra and breast forms and I put them on, then it was like all the clouds and vapor that had filled my head and made me wonder what I should do had blown away and I felt like I was now me - in the full clear light of day. I was a girl and I would never willingly give it up again, never ever let it be taken away from me! I don't know if anyone else can ever know the pain I will feel if I have to be a boy again!"
"You're the one thing I'll never forget about this summer," Marcie said and gently massaged Lauren's back while hugging her. "You'll always be my pet."
Lauren smiled and Marcie moved her face towards Lauren's and gave her a long tender kiss.
"It doesn't bother you that it's no longer girl to girl?" Lauren asked when Marcie pulled back to take a breath.
"Honey, it's still girl to girl," Marcie said and hugged Lauren more tightly.
Marcie had Lauren lie down facing her on her side so they could talk, hold each other and occasionally kiss.
"How did you manage to hide your secret from the other bunnies?" Marcie asked.
"Well, I took a bunk that is sort of in the corner and if I face the corner I can pretty much change my top, or bra without anyone seeing how pathetic I really am."
"Hey!" Marcie said, "don't say things like that. Remember you're my little pet and she's a wonderful and very special little girl."
Lauren smiled at the thought. "OK, Marcie, you win. Anyway, the other thing is I usually change my shorts and panties when I go to the potty."
"What about bathing?"
"That's why I volunteered to be the gonger. I bathe by myself every morning. Well one time Marilyn sort of barged in on me and almost caught me. It was the closest call I've had."
"But she didn't see anything?"
"She might have had a glimpse of just a little, but I had covered it with so much suds that I'm pretty sure she could not have fully guessed what she had seen."
"So what do you expect to happen with your friend Peter? If he tries to feel you up."
"I won't let him get that far, besides he's not aggressive like you!"
Marcie smiled, "I'm going to take that as a compliment."
"I do worry about Peter finding out since from his point of view he would think that he had kissed a boy. But like you say, I'm really a girl so it's not like there is total dishonesty there. I think the main thing is that I feel like the summer wouldn't be complete if I didn't have a boy friend. I think having a boy friend reassures me that I'm a girl. I want to go to the cotillion with a boy like the other girls, so my fantasy of the cotillion as a perfect evening where I'm a princess with my handsome prince will be fulfilled. It's what my first fantasy was, even though it is crazy. On the other hand, I guess things are different now since no matter how much I might love Peter, I'll always love you more."
"That's so sweet of you to say. Do I make you feel like a girl?" Marcie said, and she rolled over on top of Lauren and pinned Lauren's hands over her head and kissed her.
"You know that you do. Being more of a girl than you are, makes me more of a girl than being a girl with Peter, if you know what I mean."
"I think I do," Marcie said and gave Lauren another long kiss.
When she was done with the kiss, Lauren collected her breath and said, "you really do. You make me feel very pretty and desirable. I'm sure that I love being your pet, it means as much to me as being Peter's girlfriend."
After a moment Marcie said, "does it ever stick out?"
"I found a way to tuck it away in my panties I guess, if that's what you mean."
"No, what I mean is when we're kissing or let's say you're making out with Peter and you start getting hot. Does it stick out?"
"Well maybe I do feel a little something down there. But I tend to always feel like I have the same as a real girl, so I can't imagine it doing what it does for boys."
"Let me take a look at it," Marcie said.
"I don't think it's a good idea," Lauren protested.
"I haven't seen many of them and never up close."
"OK, Marcie. I'll let you because I love you."
Marcie gave Lauren a quick kiss and took the flashlight and burrowed down in the sleeping bag. She raised the bottom of Lauren's gown and then pulled down Lauren's panties. Marcie touched Lauren's member with her finger and Lauren said, "don't, please, Marcie, don't!"
"Sorry," Marcie said. "It's really cute. I find it very interesting."
"I don't think of it that way," Lauren said and then realized that there was a sort of chasm between Marcie and her. Even though Lauren knew that she was a girl inside, she probably didn't have anywhere as much interest in penises as real girls did. After all, she had one to deal with every day in her own way. Perhaps the one exception was Peter's and maybe Brian's for that matter, but it would definitely be best if she had no contact with one at all. That would be fine too, she supposed.
Lauren and Marcie talked to the wee hours of the morning until they both drifted off to sleep, wrapped up in each others arms. In the morning, they were aroused by the sound of a counselor beating on a cooking pot. As their eyes fluttered open, they looked into each others eyes and smiled with the memory of all that they had experienced the night before.
"I love you, Marcie," Lauren said.
"I love you too Lauren," Marcie said.
Their minds dwelled upon the fact that they now really did know who each other was. From her side, Lauren was overcome with affection and love for the girl who had completely accepted who she was and understood her. From Marcie's point of view she admired Lauren's courage in trying to be whom she really was inside.
"I think the counselors are going to make pancakes over a campfire," Marcie said.
"Let's hope they know what they're doing," Lauren said and the two girls got dressed for breakfast.
Chapter 17
Lauren and Marcie got up, dressed, washed up at the communal washroom and joined up with Thalia and Joan for a breakfast of pancakes that had been cooked on a campfire. It would be an act of kindness to call them even edible, but that was the only breakfast and the hungry girls swallowed every last bite of the pancakes that were offered to them.
"Did you sleep well?" Thalia asked Lauren during breakfast.
"Oh yeah. It was so much fun to be in a tent," Lauren said.
"I know, Joan and I must have stayed up till midnight telling jokes and talking about Owen and Fred."
"You mean Joan is getting serious about Fred?" Lauren asked surprised.
Thalia nodded her head. Joan, who was sitting on the other side of Thalia from Lauren said, "Fred? What about Fred?"
"You're seeing Fred?"
"I'm sorry Lauren. I didn't want to put a hex on the possibility that Fred is falling for me, so I didn't tell anyone, well except Thalia made me confess last night in the tent." Thalia and Joan looked at each other laughed.
"That's OK. I think it's so exciting!" Lauren said.
"He's so much fun, though a bit crude and has a wandering eye, but I guess that's the price we have to pay for going out with hunks!" Joan laughed.
"It makes me wonder if I might have gotten Brian to fall for me, but to tell you the truth I'm very happy with Peter. I think he's got his own special charms even if they're a lot different than Brian's."
"Now you're being smart," Joan said.
"I agree," Marcie said. "I'd be really worried if you were alone with Brian the night of the cotillion!"
"Why is that night so special?" Lauren asked.
"You know, it's the last dance. There is nothing to lose after that point. The guys are all trying to hit home runs. It can get pretty steamed up in the woods and along the lake outside the dance hall."
Lauren thought about what Marcie had said and wondered what she should expect from Peter that night. "I'm glad you warned me!"
"Guys like Owen and Peter will not be a problem. It's the Brians and Freds that you have to worry about," Marcie said and this time she was looking at Joan.
"Well, that should make for a very interesting night," Joan said.
"So it looks like Joan, Thalia and I have dates for the cotillion," Lauren said, "but who are you going with Marcie?"
"I don't know yet. Four guys asked me at the last dance, and I think that there were four more who wanted to ask me but were afraid to. So I think I'll wait a bit to see who most rings my chimes."
It was obvious to Lauren why so many boys wanted to be with Marcie. Besides being pretty and sexy, she had a kind of self-confidence and maturity that probably led the boys to believe that she knew about sex and probably wasn't afraid to do it if she wanted to.
"Cool," Lauren said. She couldn't help but think that going to the cotillion as Marcie's date would be as nice as going with Peter. On the other hand, part of Lauren's fantasy was to be held in the arms of a boy as she danced with all her skirts fluttering around her. Unless Marcie wore a tuxedo or something like that, having Marcie as her dance partner would not lead to the degree of romance she had in mind for the evening.
In a short while, the counselors called for the girls to pack up their gear and Lauren and her friends went back to the tents and got ready for the return hike back to camp. Lauren was pleased to find out that the route back was different than the route going so that there would be no monkey bridge to cross this time. Just a regular wooden bridge that offered nothing to be anxious about. Just before supper the girls would all be home.
As Lauren and Marcie hiked along together Marcie said, "I've read that boys who take girl's hormones can grow breasts."
"Really?" Lauren said.
"Yeah, not big ones, but breasts that are noticeable. I think it depends on how big your mom is. You can get within two cup sizes of your mom."
"Two cup sizes?"
"Yeah, say your mom is a C cup, you could probably make it to an A. If she were a D you could make it to a B. How big is your mom?"
Lauren had never had a chance to look closely at his mom's bras, but she figured that her mom wore at least a C cup and maybe even a D. She was definitely pretty well endowed. "I think she is around a C or maybe D."
"That's great, since if she were an A cup you probably wouldn't get too far."
"I have no idea how to get hormones. Is it possible I could get them?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. I could help you do that if you wanted to, it's purely up to you."
"You can get me hormones?"
"I take birth control pills that have a lot of estrogen in them. I could give some to you."
"You mean that all I'd have to do is take your pills and then I might get breasts?" It seemed miraculous to Lauren and definitely too good to be true.
"I have a whole bunch of extra pills. I changed prescriptions just before I left for camp and ended up taking pills to camp from both prescriptions because the doctor was checking something out about the new ones. Anyway, I'm supposed to only be on the new ones and am supposed to throw out the old ones. There's a few months worth of those and I can give them to you. It might make a difference. Who knows?"
"That's so sweet of you," Lauren said. "Sure, I'll definitely take them. It would mean a lot to me if I could at least have some small breasts by the time of the cotillion."
"I think you might develop a little, and definitely have breast buds!"
"Cool," Lauren said. Just imagining the fact that she might actually see some little growth of breasts in the next few weeks seemed beyond wonderful. And since she knew that she would fervently wish for them to develop that would probably aid their growth also.
When they got close to camp, Lauren said, "I'm going to miss spending so much time with you."
"Don't worry about that. There's so many activities going on here that number one, you'll be too busy to think about me and number two, we'll be in the play together and we sometimes swim and go boating together."
"I know all that Marcie, but yesterday and today we've had so much time together. It's been so special."
Marcie looked at Lauren. She was so much a gentle and loving soul. Who would ever want to harm her, yet Marcie could just imagine what was in store for Lauren at the end of the summer. "It's been special for me too. Let's try and sneak off together sometimes."
"Really?"
"It's easy. At night we can sneak out of our cabins and rendezvous somewhere."
"Aren't you afraid of getting caught?"
"Caught by whom? Most likely some of the older girls who are also sneaking out."
"I had no idea."
"No one talks about it to the young campers. You can well imagine that the older girls want to meet up with the boys from Camp Dan."
"Holy cow, that sounds so scary."
"Once a week at the dances isn't enough."
"The counselors don't know about it?"
"They probably do, but how would you like to go running around the forest in the middle of the night looking for girls? It's a lot easier to just look the other way. Besides, no doubt that many of the counselors were once campers and they did the same thing."
Lauren realized that the rumors she'd heard about Marcie must be true - she really did go out at night sneaking off to who knows where. For her own self, Lauren wondered if she would have the courage to sneak out. And what if she went to meet up with Marcie? Being alone in the dark with her again like they had been in the tent would be terribly exciting. "I think I may be too scared to do it, unless somehow you could be waiting outside my cabin for me," Lauren said.
"Sure Lauren. Let's plan on doing it in a few days or so."
"Great!" Lauren said. She would be totally dependent on Marcie. Wherever Marcie wanted to take her and whatever Marcie wanted to do with her, would be out of her control. Since Marcie knew her secret there would be no need to fear anything.
The evening after they got back to their cabins, Marcie came by Lauren's bunk with a bag containing her surplus birth control pills. She advised Lauren to perhaps start slowly, with one or two pills to make sure there were no side effects and then to increase the dosage. When Marcie had gone and no one was looking her way, Lauren took out one of the long pill cases containing 28 pills. Seven of the pills were white which Marcie said were just placebos and should be tossed away. That left 21 pink pills in each of the cases and there were seven cases so that meant 147 pills. Lauren felt somewhat trepiditious about taking the hormones; there might be some side effect that only a doctor would know about. On the other hand, Marcie said they were safe and she should know.
Lauren put two of the pills in her mouth and swallowed them with a glass of water. After that she would take four pills a day. That would be enough to last through the rest of camp. Then when she got back home, she'd have to figure out some other way to keep on getting pills. Maybe Marcie could mail her some, or maybe Beth could get them for her. It would be sad if she developed breast buds to then lose them because she ran out of pills. Anyway, the main thing was her hope that she would notice a difference in her breasts. She felt sure that something would happen. No doubt she already had a lot of girl hormones in her blood; she just needed a little more to get her over the top and start becoming a real girl.
It took a day or two for life to get back to normal after the big hike. The disruption was felt particularly strongly at the rehearsals for the "Chorus Line" production, where girls seemed to have forgotten a lot of what they had previously learned about the dance routines. There were many collisions and Marilyn said that they were darn lucky that no one had suffered a major injury. Marilyn was so distressed by the setback that she scheduled a couple of extra rehearsals so as to bring the girls back up to speed. Both Marcie and Lauren loved having the extra time dancing together. Of all the girls in the play the two of them had achieved the least error prone performance of the various dance steps and Marilyn showered them with praise.
Halfway through one of the rehearsals, during a break, Toni remarked to Marilyn that she had seen that there was a rack of tutus being stored in the back. "It would be great fun if we could wear them during practice, at least those of us who have the girls' parts in the show. Can we wear them?" she implored Marilyn.
Marilyn thought it over for a minute and said, "that's a great idea. Maybe if we more clearly mark who the girls and boys are you might remember your dance steps better." With that Marilyn retrieved the rack of tutus and wheeled it to the front of the stage. Lauren gazed upon the tutus with much excitement. There was no doubt that she would love to dance wearing one, in fact, every time she had seen a ballet performance on television she had thought about how nice it would be to be one of the girls in their tutus. But like so many other fantasies she had had about being a girl, it had seemed so far out of reach that she wouldn't even let herself think about it. Of course the tutu she would wear would have to be the pinkest pink and when Lauren saw the row of sparkling tutus in many different colors in front of her, she made a bee line to the brightest pink one and took it off the rack. Fortunately, none of the other girls had their hearts set on that one and she was able to claim it as her own. The tutu had eleven layers of stiff skirts attached to a matching leotard with a glittering floral design on the bodice. She hugged the beautiful outfit and let her fingers run over the stiff skirts.
After each of the girls had selected a tutu they ran into the dressing room to change into them from their usual leotards. In a few minutes the seven "girl" girls came out happily fluttering and skipping across the dance floor. Marcie came up to Lauren and watched her gaily prancing and preening in front of a mirror. "Oh Marcie, I feel so pretty. Am I?"
Marcie nodded her head and said, "you were made to wear a tutu. It becomes you."
Lauren smiled appreciatively at Marcie. It didn't matter if she meant what she said or not, Lauren loved hearing it.
Marilyn had to raise her voice to get the attention of the girls who were excitedly running around the dance floor allowing the stiff skirts of their tutus to flap up and down as they pirouetted and leaped with girlish glee. When finally all was in order she directed the girls to line up with their dance partners and seriously practice the entire show as an ensemble. As Marilyn stepped back to watch the action she could not help but feel a tug at her heart as she watched Lauren gracefully and seriously practice her steps. She looked as if she had been born in the tutu. She had a delicate femininity about her; she looked so vulnerable and fragile. Not many girls had that, a sort of girlish charisma that no one could learn: you either were born with it or you were not and Lauren had it in spades. Particularly surprising was that the gift was only apparent when she danced, for when the music stopped Lauren seemed like a regular and somewhat awkward girl. Even possibly a boy if one wanted to believe Amy. It was not hard to imagine a career for Lauren in a professional ballet company. She was special, there was no doubt about that. It was really too bad that Lauren had not yet had any ballet lessons. To see her execute a perfect pirouette in her cute costume or to see her get up en pointe would be delightful. Marilyn reminded herself to write a note to Lauren's parents suggesting that they seriously consider her having a career in dance.
A minute later Marilyn laughed to herself. What if Amy was right and Lauren was a boy? Imagine the look on his parents face getting a letter from the counselor at a girls' camp suggesting that their son become a ballerina. As quickly as she had laughed Marilyn then got the strange thought that it wasn't beyond possible that Lauren's parents were in cahoots with her. What a strange family that would be. Marilyn scolded herself for allowing herself to daydream such weird thoughts. The fact of the matter remained that Lauren was absolutely delectable in a tutu and it was fun to see her and the other girls flitting about like little fairies. Before the rehearsal was over, she got out her camera and took some pictures of the girls and especially some of Lauren posing in her tutu. These will be perfect for next summer's camp brochure, Marilyn decided.
Lauren had been taking several of Marcie's birth control pills each of the last few days and they had been making her feel a bit flushed and strange. While it might have just been a placebo effect, Lauren felt for sure that her skin was softer and that there was a slight swelling and tenderness to her breasts. Even more so, between Marcie's acceptance of her being the girl in their relationship and the fact that she definitely had some significant estrogen in her arteries and veins, Lauren felt that she had reached a new level of feeling feminine. She could see that her natural, unforced movements had become girl-like. The way she walked and held her arms, the kind of things she said to the other girls, how she got dressed and bathed, how she ate, all of these things she did as if she were a true girl and not a boy pretending to take on the attributes of a girl. The status quo for Lauren had now become "girl" and she no longer had to be vigilant to the possibility that her "boy" self might show up at some importune moment. If anything, Lauren began to worry that she had so much forgotten how to be a boy that she would never be able to regain her Lorin persona. Her parents would flip out wondering why their son had come home from camp acting like a girl. Well, of course, having small breasts by the time she went home would be kind of a problem also, but she figured that she could just keep herself covered and her parents would not notice the difference. If they did, she would just chalk it up to the camp food being too fattening.
As promised, Marcie arranged to rendezvous with Lauren at her cabin late at night the week after they had returned from the hike. Lauren had managed to sleep only fitfully until one AM when Marcie said she would give a slight tap on the window near Lauren's bed. With that signal, Lauren would sneak outside through one of the bathroom windows. Marcie would be there to help her climb out. It was an unusually warm night and instead of wearing her usual nightgown Lauren had gone to bed wearing the clothes she would need later: a sleeveless blouse and a short skirt. With her sexiest bra and her large breasts she felt extremely sexy. The memory of her night in the tent, every detail of her intimacy with Marcie was vivid in her mind. She realized that she had a great hunger to be swept off her feet by Marcie. She wanted to be kissed and held and made to feel that she was Marcie's favorite girl friend.
Lauren listened to the soft sound of her sleeping cabin mates. Despite the fact that she was expecting to hear Marcie's tapping on the window, she was nonetheless a bit startled when it happened. She waved at the dim form of Marcie's face outside the window and tip toed into the bathroom carrying her sandals. The bathroom window was already open as far as it could go and after she undid the latch holding the screen in place, Lauren was able to climb out with Marcie grabbing her torso and lightening her descent to the ground.
Outside of the cabin Lauren stood next to Marcie and looked into her eyes. The light was dim, but not so dim that they couldn't see the gleam of each other's eyes. Lauren felt ecstatic with happiness and she leaned in moving her lips toward Marcie. Marcie whispered, "not here, follow me," and took off quietly along the side of the cabin and headed into the nearby forest. Lauren followed her making every effort to keep as close to her as possible. Underneath the canopy of leaves it was very dark and mysterious and despite the fact that Lauren had walked down this very path before in the daylight, it now seemed foreign and even scary to her. She was amazed at Marcie's fearlessness as she plunged along in the dark.
After what seemed like a half hour and was in reality just a few minutes, they came to a grassy clearing that overlooked the lake. In the distance were a few lights from Camp Dan. Lauren saw that Marcie was carrying a blanket that she spread out on the ground. Lauren sat down with her. A shiver passed through her back as she anticipated what was to come. Marcie put her arm around Lauren's back and then gently pulled her down onto the blanket. Marcie sat up over her looking down at Lauren's face.
"You are very pretty," Marcie said.
Lauren giggled softly and smiled up at her. "That's so nice of you to say that, I mean all things considered."
"No, it is true. I feel certain you're prettier as a girl than you are handsome as a boy."
"Do you like to kiss pretty girls?" Lauren said and then laughed gaily.
"You betcha," Marcie said and she leaned down and kissed Lauren tenderly on the lips. With one free hand she felt up Lauren. First outside her blouse and then she snuck it inside and surrounded the filled out cup of Lauren's bra with her hand. Lauren heard Marcie give a low grunt of pleasure. A minute later Marcie put her hand underneath the bra and the breastform and felt Lauren's nipple.
She broke away from the kiss and said, "Oh my God Lauren," you've really got some nipples there.
"I know, I've been feeling like a change has been happening. Kind of a full feeling in my breasts and my nipples tingle a lot."
"There's definitely some puffiness around your nipples that wasn't there a few days ago."
"I'm so happy about it," Lauren said.
"You're going to have a nice little pair of boobies pretty soon. Just you wait and see."
"I don't know why you stopped kissing me," Lauren said. She reached up and put her hands around Marcie's neck and pulled her down toward her.
Before they kissed Marcie said, "I think the reason that you've changed so fast is that you are already partly a girl."
Lauren smiled up at Marcie and they kissed for a good long time. Lauren had her tongue wrapped around Marcie's and she had worked her hands up inside Marcie's blouse and felt her bra strap. The two girls were crushed boob to boob and Lauren couldn't get her hands onto Marcie's breasts though she did stroke them along the side.
Lauren felt Marcie's hand sneaking toward her thigh. It was no secret between them that Marcie found the idea of Lauren having a penis as utterly fascinating. To her it was as if one of her girl friends had a penis - something right out of the pages of "Ripley's Believe It or Not."
After an hour, the girls made there way back to Lauren's cabin, Marcie helped Lauren to climb in through the bathroom window and said goodbye. Before returning to bed, Lauren turned on the light, lifted up her blouse over her head and took it off. She then carefully took out her breast forms and reached behind her back and undid her bra and took it off.
She stood in front of the mirror over the sink and examined her breasts and nipples in detail. She placed her right hand gently over her left breast and cupped it. Definitely there was some more heft to it than there had been even a week ago. Her nipple seemed a bit wider and thicker and when she pinched it gently she felt a stab of sharp pleasure run through her body. Her right breast was about the same as the left. Lauren leaned forward a bit and did a quick shimmy to see if there was any jiggling. To her amazement there was a definite jiggle - a sort of back and forth sway to her breasts. It was ever so slight, but so much more than there ever had been before.
Who knew what would happen in another week?
The thought that she might actually see small breasts appear was certainly the most joyous possibility she could imagine.
Oh my god, she thought I so wish it happens!
She retrieved her bra and put it back on together with her breast forms and snuck quietly back to her bunk. She fell rapidly into a deep sleep and almost missed getting up to ring the gong the next morning. Luckily, she had become so programmed to waking up to do that, that her body forced her awake before she would be noticeably late. She had to scurry across the field but she did get there on time.
Marcie had made it quite clear to Lauren that their relationship should have no bearing on Lauren's relationship Peter. She fully encouraged Lauren to not feel any regrets and she herself would not be jealous. There was plenty of time for the two of them to also get to further their relationship. At the same time Marcie hoped that Lauren would not feel jealous of the guy she ended up deciding she wanted to go to the cotillion with.
It was nice to hear Marcie talk about things like this and Lauren felt comforted against feeling guilty for loving Marcie at the same time that she was also loving Peter. Of course, she didn't have to feel guilty because Peter had no way of knowing about her love for Marcie and Marcie knew full well that she was Lauren's number one love.
Halfway through the next Saturday night dance, during a slow dance, Peter cleared his throat and said, "Lauren, I think you know that I like you?"
"Like me? What a surprise," Lauren said and laughed.
"You know I'm crazy about you," Peter said.
Lauren was touched. Here was a boy baring his soul to her. "How sweet to say that," Lauren said.
"The thing is, I would love for you to go to the cotillion with me, if you are so inclined."
"So inclined?" Lauren said stifling a giggle. It was precious and endearing the way Peter phrased his question.
"I think that might be arranged," Lauren said.
"Oh, cool!" Peter said and hugged her tighter.
Lauren rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. This was a moment that she had often imagined in her fantasies about the cotillion. A fine, handsome and caring boy would ask her out for the night. They would be just in the early stages of love when everything they did was so new and memorable. The cotillion would lie before her as a great stage where she would come as a princess in her pretty dress and spend an enchanted evening with her ever solicitous beau. Surely Peter had every one of her desired characteristics. Lauren was so happy.
A couple of days after the dance, Lauren, Thalia and Joan were in a row boat heading out to the middle of the lake. Lauren sat in the back while Thalia and Joan rowed, it being decided that the two of them were stronger than Lauren and could row a lot faster than she could. As they plowed along Lauren could see that many canoes from Camp Dan were out on the lake also. One of them separated itself from the others and began coming their way.
"I think I see the boys coming!" Lauren said, "yes I'm sure it's them." Though the distance was still great Lauren could sense the unique profiles and body movements of Peter and Owen. There was a third boy whom she couldn't quite identify.
"This is so cool," Joan said.
Lauren raised her arm to wave and one of the boys waved back. "I think Owen is waving at us," Lauren reported. "There's a third guy, who I can't identify. Wait, I think it's Fred!"
"Fred!" Joan said and swung around to look. "Yes, it's him." She now waved also.
Thalia turned around to look and saw that the canoe was moving rapidly and would be soon upon them. She stowed her oar and Joan did the same. Now all three girls waved at the boys spurring them on to paddle even faster. In a minute the canoe pulled up to the row boat and Peter grabbed a hold of the gunwale and held the two boats together.
"What are you three doing together out on the lake?" Joan said.
"Fred was spying on the girl's camp with a telescope," Peter said.
"Spying?" Lauren said. "How terrible."
"He saw that Joan was heading out in a rowboat and then he got Owen and me to join him."
"What do you boys have in mind?" Thalia said.
Before they could answer, Joan, who was wearing a very flattering pink bikini, stood up and dove into the water on the opposite side of the row boat. In a second Fred scrambled out of the canoe and swam around to her. Owen got up and stepped into the rowboat sitting next to Thalia who was wearing a green, flowery, one piece suit. Lauren felt a bit ashamed to be wearing her old fashioned suit with a little skirt and was particularly worried that she looked to be too flat chested. However, when she had put on the suit that day she had felt sure that her nipples were more visible than they had been the last time she had worn it.
In any event, it was lucky that she had not worn her breast forms out onto the lake, since it would have caused her to have to explain to Peter where she had suddenly gotten such large breasts. If Peter was in any way unhappy with the fact that Lauren was not developed, he didn't let on in the slightest. In fact, it seemed quite the contrary: Peter was enamored of Lauren and followed Owen's lead by sitting on the seat next to her. He put his arm around her and then the two of them kissed just as they had at the dance a few days earlier. After a minute, Lauren said, "maybe Fred isn't the only one with a telescope."
"Yeah, we probably don't want the counselors to see what we're doing."
"I think we could jump in the water," Lauren said.
They could see Joan with her arms around Fred's neck as he held onto the side of the boat. With his free arm, Fred enveloped Joan and brought her in tightly to him. Needing no convincing Lauren dove into the water followed by Peter who had to stop to take off his tee shirt. Peter and Lauren took up a position on the opposite side of the boat from Fred and Joan. While Peter held on to the side Lauren snuggled in tightly putting her arms behind his neck. Then Peter brought her in tightly and they kissed. Lauren body lay along the full profile of Peter's body and she relished the delightful novelty of the sensation.
A gentle current kicked up by the wind pushed Lauren's dangling legs in closer to Peter's. She felt a gentle push against her stomach that initially thought might be Peter's hand and then she realized what it really was. Clearly she had stirred up Peter in a way that she hadn't thought about before. There was something primeval about the sensation; the raw maleness of Peter asserting itself against her. He would no doubt want her to touch him there but she wouldn't do it.
No, she hoped she wouldn't do it, at least not now. Of course, the cotillion was a different story.
As the girls had told her all kinds of things happen there because it would be the end of the summer and the last chance to see the boys.
After fifteen minutes passed, Owen said, "we better get back guys. It looks to me like all the boats are heading back in."
With the help of Owen, Lauren climbed back into the row boat followed by Joan. Both Peter and Fred stayed in the water. "Come on," Owen said, "we'll be late."
"Yeah, we've go to go too," Thalia said.
Lauren and the girls watched as first Peter and then Fred got into the boat. They were both crouched over as if afraid to stand up. Joan started to laugh and then Lauren had a hard time suppressing her laughter. At first Thalia didn't get the joke but then she too thought it was hysterical. "Tents," Joan said causing a new outbreak of laughter.
"Come on you two," Owen said shaking his head. "I can't believe it."
Gingerly Fred and Peter got into the canoe without upsetting it. Before they took off Lauren noticed Peter's tee shirt lying in the rowboat. It was a Camp Dan tee shirt like the kind Lauren's dad had expected her to get and she called to Peter, "can I have your shirt?"
"Sure," Peter said, "you can keep it!" In a minute the three boys were racing the canoe back to shore. The girls smiled at each other and then Thalia and Joan picked up the oars to run them back in.
"That was so much fun," Joan said. "It's unbelievable how much one can do in the water."
"I know, it's so sensual and yummy," Lauren said.
"Fred was so turned on. He was poking me with his thing."
Thalia and Lauren laughed and Lauren said "tell me about it. Peter was just like that. Did you see the two of them trying to hide it."
"Guys are so ridiculous," Joan said.
A week after Lauren and Marcie had snuck out at night, they did it a second time. This night there was a clear sky and a full moon and Marcie had spread out a blanket on the grassy knoll overlooking the lake. The two girls lay down next to each other gazing up at the moon and looking off into the distance as the light reflected off the lake surface. It was a supremely serene and calming moment. They kissed and held each other and after awhile they fell asleep in each others arms.
A loud screech from an owl woke up Lauren and after seeing that she had moved apart from Marcie she moved in close enough to feel her warmth. In this private little moment in her life she felt happy. She felt happier than she had ever felt before. The certain knowledge that Marcie loved her as the girl she knew she was meant that she should never doubt that this kind of love was possible. She would not be deluding herself to believe that as she grew up she could meet people who would know and love her as Lauren. It was so different than with Penny.
As much as Lauren loved Penny, Penny expected Lauren to be Lorin and that made Lauren feel like the relationship was a lie. She would never be able to escape the guilt she felt for deceiving Penny. With Marcie she had no guilt. She could tell Marcie that she was a girl, that she wanted to be a girl and she felt no shame, no fear, no judgment.
Lauren snuggled in even closer to Marcie until she was touching her along the side of her body. Marcie stirred and opened her eyes and smiled at Lauren. Lauren moved her lips to Marcie's mouth and kissed her. Marcie laughed quietly and put her arm over Lauren's shoulder and moved her in tightly against her. Lauren rested her cheek on Marcie's breast and said, "I'm so happy."
"I'm glad," Marcie said.
"I know terrible things are coming, but they're not here now. I've decided that right down to the bitter end, I'm going to enjoy myself and be happy."
"My brave little pet," Marcie said. "I'll always be your friend, and if you ever need me, I'll be there for you."
"I know you will," Lauren said.
"Next week is the big show and then after that is the Cotillion," Marcie said matter of factly.
A tear formed in Lauren's eye and glistened in the moonlight. Marcie saw it and said, "now, now, Lauren, you just got through saying how you're going to enjoy yourself!"
"I think the tear is a tear of happiness. I've craved the cotillion for so long now and to think that it's finally going to arrive." Lauren knew she was lying. She was scared. She wanted to always be with Marcie. She wanted the security and love that she offered. All that would be lost and shattered when she went back home.
"You're such a BS'er," Marcie said. "Just remember that one day you'll be grown up and then no matter what your parents or anyone else says, you'll be able to be Lauren the rest of our days."
Lauren wanted to tell her that as true as that was, it would only be OK if she knew that Marcie would be there waiting for her. But that was unfair to Marcie and so she kept silent.
A few minutes later Lauren said, "I think I have small breasts now. I was looking in the mirror while I was waiting for you and I'm sure that I do."
Marcie turned quickly toward her. "That's so cool. Let me take a look. Take off your blouse and your bra and boobs so I can get a good look."
Lauren did as she said. Sure enough looking down at herself in the moonlight it was clear that she had a little something there. Marcie put her hands on Lauren's chest and closed her hands over her nipples and felt. "Oh my God Lauren I've got them in my hands. I mean I can really feel some breast tissue inside. Go ahead and jiggle them. I'm sure they can jiggle. You're probably like a double A or something like that."
Lauren shimmied a little and watched in amazement as her little titties bounced back and forth several times. Her nipple seemed brighter red than she remembered them ever being and when Marcie touched them there was a heavenly feeling.
"Just look at those boobs, they're so pretty!"
Lauren spontaneously began to cry. She had crossed another barrier. It was something tangible about her body that was now definitely like that of a girl. She had taken a very big step to where her heart and mind wanted to take herself.
The performance of the Chorus Line by Marilyn's motley group of girls came to pass on the Sunday prior to the Cotillion. Right down to the last dress rehearsal girls made blunders, momentarily forgetting their steps or their lines. Marilyn cringed at each error, the worst part of it being mistakes that had not happened in previous rehearsals. The one truly bright spot was the superb and consistent dancing of Marcie and Lauren. They no longer made mistakes and best of all they always looked like they were truly enjoying themselves.
The show went on in the evening after dinner. Marilyn played the piano and queued the entrances and exits of the cast. She had decided that allowing the girls playing girls to wear their pretty tutus during their rehearsals within the play added a nice sort of balletic touch to the musical.
During the performance if one stepped back and let oneself enjoy what was going on without looking critically at the flaws, then it was a very nice production. Each of the girls who danced was a star in their own way. Certainly Lauren was perhaps the most fragile and delicate of the girls. She looked like one could easily break her in two. It was darling the way her tutu bounced and gyrated around her waist as she deftly stepped through her routines. With her breast forms she was the most developed of the girls. She made a perfect little center of femininity on the stage.
From a seat in the center of the audience, Amy found herself transfixed by the dancing. The show was maybe the nicest the camp had ever put on. And that Lauren was such a pretty sprite. It was hard to think of her as a boy but still Amy had her doubts about Lauren. Letters for Lorin Baxter had kept accumulating at Camp Dan and some were from China and Japan. It was crazy. But at the same time Lauren Baxter received quite a bit of mail herself at Camp Shoni. So maybe it was just the craziest coincidence.
If only Marilyn had cooperated then surely by now they would have obtained their answer as to whom she was. Well, with just two weeks left in the summer, it was probably too late to ever find out what the story was.
When the show was over, Amy made a point of coming up to Lauren and giving her a hug. "You are heavenly, young lady. I can see you on Broadway or in the ballet. You must keep it up. promise me?"
Lauren blushed crimson. "Oh, Ms. Rovelstad, you've made me so happy!"
Amy felt a tug in heart. Life was often so much more complicated than anyone could imagine.
Chapter 18
The pretty dresses hung in the closet throughout the summer and now finally the girls would take them out and wear them. Anticipation of this very moment, this moment when Lauren would get to put on the dress that never failed to take her breath away had been the prime mover in everything that had happened to her that summer. The thought of wearing such a pretty dress had driven her hand to forge her identity as Lauren and in so doing change the entire course of her life. Not a day had gone by that summer when she hadn't dreamt about this day when she would go to the closet and take out the dress and put it on and then feel like a true princess come to her realm. And now the moment had arrived.
In view of the long day ahead of them, Lauren was excused from gong duty that morning and she had to admit that she loved the chance to sleep a bit longer and wake up with the other girls. There was a definite air of excitement in the cabin. Each girl in her own way thought ahead to what the cotillion would be like. Only Eileen had not secured a date; she had been asked by more than one boy, but she wasn't enamored of them enough to say yes. She thought she would have more fun hanging out with lots of different people rather than being trapped with a guy who was just so-so.
Before they left for breakfast, Marilyn assembled the girls in the cabin to tell them how the day would be organized. The camp knew full well how important it was for the girls to get ready for the cotillion so they were going to go out of their way to help them. First of all, when they got back from breakfast the girls would shower and then they would go to have their hair done and set. For those who wanted they could get their nails polished. For this purpose several women from a nearby salon had set up shop in the camp beauty salon.
When all the girls were done up they would go for lunch and when they came back they would make sure their gowns and shoes and all else were ready, then they would dress and assemble, while there was still plenty of daylight, for a group picture in the field near the gong. Dinner would be available as a smorgasbord during the Cotillion which would start at 6 PM and last until midnight.
The plan sounded completely wonderful to Lauren though the part about taking a shower reminded her that she had better make sure that she was the only one in the shower room when she took one. That would be easily taken care of by pretending to take care of various things around her bunk so that she would be the last one to go. As far as her hair went, she had been very good about maintaining the style that Gus had created for her.
Over the summer her hair had gotten a few inches longer and by following the examples of Joan and Thalia she had learned how to give it extra body and fullness while accommodating the basic style which she felt accentuated the femininity of her face. During the two months of the summer her nails had grown out fully and Lauren had spent much time keeping them shaped and long. It had been a couple of weeks since she had put on polish so she was especially excited about having them done by a professional manicurist.
After breakfast, back in the cabin, Lauren lounged on her bunk pretending to straighten out the clothes in her cubbies, write a couple of letters and otherwise look busy. While she did so, she observed the other girls who one by one and in groups of two got undressed and went to the shower. Joan was one of the first to go and when she came back wrapped up in a towel she asked Lauren, "are you going to shower?"
"Of course. I just have to take care of a few things."
The explanation seemed to be good enough for Joan who busied herself by unwrapping the towel and patting down the last few wet spots on her body. Lauren could see the sparkle of water droplets on her pubic hair and watched as Joan dabbed at them with wet towel. Then Joan took out a fresh pair of panties and stepped into them and then a bra which she put on somewhat absentmindedly. Lauren envied her the matter of fact way Joan would lift her bra to catch her breasts in the cups and then make sure they were comfortably in the right place. Even after wearing a bra virtually night and day the whole summer, Lauren felt a special sense of delight every time she put on or took off her bra. She had not gotten completely to the point where it was as natural as Joan and the other girls. Perhaps after her newly developing breasts reached their full size, she might finally cross the last remaining barriers to feeling like a natural girl.
Across the room Lauren saw Ann and Susan coming back from the shower together and by her calculation that meant that everyone had had one. Lauren got up and took off her blouse and then her bra. At that moment Joan looked up and said, "Whoa Lauren. Look how you've developed!"
Lauren blushed and said, "I have been feeling lately like my body is changing!" She looked down at her newly forming breasts and yes it seemed like there had been a change even from the day before. There were cute little breasts there. Enough that one might theoretically say that she ought to wear a bra. Certainly she could wear her 34A bras without any degree of embarrassment and if that evening at the cotillion she decided that she would let Peter feel her up, there would be nothing to worry about. He would find that she had breasts, enough for any 13 year old boy to be quite happy with. Breasts that no boy would ever have.
Lauren took off her shorts so she was just in her panties. She had become extremely proficient in learning how to tuck her private part up backwards between her legs and pulling up on her panties to keep it in place. From the front she looked exactly like a girl. Lauren gracefully walked to the shower holding her soap, shampoo and towel. As she expected, the shower stall was empty and she proceeded to take a shower. She was very careful to keep her back facing out in case anyone walked past her. And while she shampooed her hair she made sure that her front was covered with soap suds.
Later on she would relive this moment a thousand times in her mind, but right after she had rinsed the shampoo out of her hair she felt the presence of someone and looking back saw Marilyn coming in to take a shower also. She was very well developed and had thick dark curls of hair between her legs. "Hi Lauren," Marilyn said gaily.
"Oh, hi," Lauren said keeping her back toward Marilyn and reaching for her towel. As she had done the previous time when Marilyn had surprised her, she let the water rinse off her torso as she moved to the hook containing her towel. At that very moment Judy came running into the shower saying, "Sorry, sorry, I forgot my shampoo!" She came around Marilyn and Lauren to reach for a bottle of shampoo that was sitting next to Lauren's towel. It was so fast and surprising that Lauren could do nothing. Just after Judy picked up the shampoo, she turned around and her eyes swept over Lauren's naked front, and Judy shrieked loudly. It was blood curdling in its horror.
"What?" asked Marilyn startled. Judy did not say anything but pointed at Lauren who had put her hand over her penis.
"Let me see," Marilyn said severely and she grabbed Lauren's hand at the wrist and pulled it away to expose his small penis to the view of herself and Judy. "God dammit but she was right," Marilyn muttered. "Cover yourself up!" Realizing that she was stark naked herself, Marilyn said, "stay right here! Don't move!" She and Judy exited the shower stall while Lauren waited. She heard a loud commotion in the other room. Lots of voices shrieking "Lauren is what?? Is what??"
Lauren sat down on a bench and began crying. After a few minutes Marilyn came back in fully dressed. "Come with me," she said and Lauren followed her as she led her to her bunk. Lauren hurriedly wrapped her towel around her waist. Staring and glowering at her in pained looks were the girls of the cabin. Joan and Thalia were in tears. "I don't believe it!" Joan said with a heart wrenching sob.
Marilyn pulled Lauren's towel away from her so she was exposed again. "Oh, my God," Susan said. "How could you do this to us? We all loved you so much!" She burst into tears joining Thalia, Joan and several of the other girls. Lauren collapsed onto her bunk weeping with her head buried in her pillow.
"Are you going to throw her out of camp?" Eileen asked Marilyn.
"I don't yet know what to do. I suppose I've got to get Amy involved in this." She was going to say that Amy had long suspected Lauren of being a boy, but decided that the less the girls knew about that the better. This was definitely something that would have to be handled with utmost discreteness and quickly, there being the cotillion to go to.
"I can't believe that this whole summer I have a boy watching me naked. It's so gross," Eileen said and the few girls who weren't crying agreed with her. Then Susan said through her tears, "I feel so betrayed. How could someone be so mean?"
"Or perverted?" Judy added.
Throughout all of this Lauren lay convulsing in tears. Her body shook and her chest heaved. Though her face was buried in her pillow the sound of her gasps and wails could be heard loudly throughout the cabin.
"I think we've got to decide what we're going to do," Judy said. "All of us with Marilyn, we have to think of what we do!"
Among the girls Thalia and Joan could not help but be aware of the agony their friend Lauren was going through. This gentle and loving friend with whom they had shared so many experiences was in abject pain and torment. To some extent they couldn't tell if they were crying for her or for themselves.
"There's no way that Lauren can go to the cotillion," Eileen said.
"Of course she, I mean he, can't," Marilyn said.
From Lauren's perspective she did not know if her tears came mostly from letting down all her friends, or from the certain knowledge that her hopes and dreams of going to the cotillion had been dashed just a few short hours short of her goal. Marilyn saying that she couldn't go was just confirming what she already knew.
"This is so awful," Eileen said again.
Marilyn said, "if you can calm down enough Lauren, what do you have to say for yourself?"
Lauren turned over facing the girls. Her nose was wet and dripping from crying and her eyes were bleary from tears. "I'm sorry. I, I don't know what to say. I never wanted to hurt anyone." She began crying fiercely and again hid her face.
"It's hard to imagine the audacity of a guy doing this," Judy said.
While the girls and Marilyn pondered the sorry spectacle of Lauren lying on her bed, Marcie, who had arranged previously with Lauren to come by to check out her dress and other preparations for the cotillion, entered the cabin and saw the commotion.
"Hey, what's going on?" she said.
Ann turned around to face Marcie. "Marcie, this isn't a good time."
"Why is Lauren crying? And Thalia and Joan? What in heaven's name is happening?"
"Marcie this is a problem for just our cabin," Marilyn said, "you should go now. It's for the best."
Ignoring her, Marcie pushed through the girls and ran up to Lauren. "What happened Lauren?"
"She's a boy," Eileen said. "A boy who's been spying on us all summer!"
"Spying? How do you mean spying?" Marcie said.
"A boy sneaking into a girls camp."
"A boy? You think Lauren's a boy? So what if she has a penis. She's no boy!" Marcie said.
"She's a boy," Marilyn said, "and this boy is going to have to vacate Camp Shoni as fast as it can be arranged."
"You mean she can't go to the cotillion?" Marcie said.
Eileen laughed. "Are you crazy Marcie? She's got a penis?"
"I've known that for awhile," Marcie said.
"What do you mean that you know that?" Marilyn said.
"I found it out on the camping trip. We shared a tent and I found out by accident."
"And you didn't tell anyone?" Marilyn said sounding shocked.
"Why would I? You know, it takes a lot more than a penis to make a boy. And I challenge any one of you to name anything else about Lauren that is male. Anything at all!"
There was silence.
"To tell you the truth," Marcie continued, "I think it's more than a little mean that you're acting so angry and hurt. You're just totally forgetting everything you know about Lauren the person in favor of one little fact. Sure it's filled with connotations, but it is just one little piece of the whole Lauren."
She stopped to catch her breath. Marcie was excited and felt a rising anger and passion inside herself.
"You can't blame the girls," Marilyn said.
"Is Lauren stronger than us? Is she a better athlete? Is she smarter or braver or less sensitive? Does she care less about clothes than us, or less about her hair and nails and makeup? Is she less vain about her body or less concerned about having tits? Does she not care more about finding romance with the boys? Has she not fallen for a nice boy no different than any of us would? Is she any less graceful? Do you remember her in the show? Was she not the most graceful and feminine of all the dancers?"
There was more silence and then Joan stood up and said, "you're so right Marcie!"
"I agree!" Thalia said.
Joan got up and sat down next to Lauren and put her arm on her shoulder.
"I love Lauren as my girl friend," Joan said. "She's been the best buddy and pal that any girl could ever hope for. She's never done anything to act like a boy the whole summer. She's never done anything that ever made me feel like she was boy."
"Everything Joan says is true," Thalia said. "If Lauren happens to be born a boy, I mean biologically, that's got nothing to do with her as a person. I think what's really weird is to think that she could ever act like a boy at all."
Marcie came over in front of Lauren and said, "sit up now honey. Let me clean you up." Lauren sat up and Marcie took a tissue from a nearby box and wiped Lauren's face and helped her blow her nose. The assembled girls could see plain as day that Lauren had small breasts that swayed and jiggled a bit as she blew her nose.
The girls had become speechless and no one was dry eyed. After a very long silence Marilyn said, "thank you Marcie. I think we all agree that you've saved us from doing a great injustice."
"Did you hear that Lauren?" Thalia said and squeezed her.
"The only thing is that we do need to hear your story. How is that you ended up here this summer as a girl? Are you a girl back home? Do your parents know about this?" Susan said.
"Go on Lauren," Marcie said. "You can tell them everything because I know it comes straight from your heart."
Marcie sat down next to Lauren. With Marcie on one side and Joan on the other she faced the girls. In a tiny voice she said, "it started with the cotillion. I was going to be in the upper camp and then the brochure said that they had changed things so I couldn't go to the dances. I saw the cotillion picture and I wanted a pretty dress and I wanted to be one of the girls in the picture so much so that it hurt. It hurt my heart so much, that, I don't know, I decided that I had to go to the cotillion as a girl. I think I've always wanted to be a girl, at least from the time I could think about things like that. In my heart I know I've always been a girl. I don't ever want to be a boy." Lauren was now crying again and Marcie held her tightly until she calmed down.
"I was so mean to you Lauren. I should have given you a chance to explain yourself," Judy said.
"Yes, all of us," Marilyn said. "In our surprise we lost sight of everything that had happened over the summer."
"Thank goodness Marcie came by when she did," Joan said.
"So are you going to let Lauren go to the cotillion?" Marcie said to Marilyn.
"Sure. Look, my ass is on the line more than any of you if word gets out that Lauren is actually a boy. So I'm willing to say nothing about it to Amy as long as everyone here swears on their sacred and solemn oath that they won't tell anybody about Lauren. Is that OK with all of you?"
"Yes, Marilyn," Eileen said, "I realize that I flipped out but it was so unexpected and so shocking."
"I'm sorry Eileen," Lauren said and Eileen came over and gave her a hug.
"Judy?" Marilyn said.
"I don't want to ever hurt Lauren," she said and she came up and also gave Lauren a hug.
Marilyn called out each of their names, one by one: Joan, Janet, Ann, Susan and Thalia and each one swore to secrecy and sealed the promise by giving Lauren a hug.
"Last of all is Marcie," Marilyn said and Marcie put both her arms around Lauren and gave her a long tender hug.
"So it's done. Now I suggest we devote all our energy to getting ready for the cotillion. First of all, we need to head out to get our hair ready!" Marilyn said.
The girls now proceeded to once again focus their attention on getting ready for the cotillion. With the exception of Joan, Thalia and Marcie the girls quickly left to get their hair and nails done.
"We'll wait for you to get dressed and we can go together to the hair salon," Joan said.
"Thank you, Joan," Lauren said. The extreme peaks and valleys of the previous half hour had taken their toll on her and she felt mentally exhausted, despite the happy outcome. "I'm so sorry I let you all down. You have been such wonderful friends to me."
"And you to us," Thalia said, "and you never let us down. We might not all understand exactly how a boy can see themselves as being a girl, but we know you are telling the truth. I will always see you as being my girlfriend and I do now. Obviously you could not just come out and tell us about yourself, so we understand that as well. Actually, I'm really happy that you are who you are. It makes you a very special kind of girl."
While they were talking Lauren fetched her bra and put it on and then a tee shirt and a short skirt and sandals. She looked at her face in a hand mirror and said, "it really looks like I've been crying."
"It'll be OK by the time they take the picture. Anyway we'll make sure you have on the right make up."
Lauren was ready to go and Marcie said, "before we go let me see that pretty dress of yours that you've been blabbing and boasting about for two months!"
The thought of the dress and that she would get to wear it soon brightened up Lauren to the point where she was almost back to being her usual self. She led Marcie to the closet so that she could get a look at it. "My oh my, if that dress doesn't shout Lauren Baxter, nothing will," Marcie said.
"I think it's the most beautiful thing ever made," Lauren said as she held out the skirts and ran her hands over the pretty fabric.
"And that's why you are who you are," Joan said.
"And why we love you," Thalia said.
The four girls then left to join the others getting their hair and nails taken care of.
Many of the girls individually made a point of telling Lauren that they were sorry for their earlier outbursts and Lauren for her part said over and over again how much she was the one who should apologize for having duped everyone all summer long. She was appreciative, however, that they all understood why she had had to do it and why there was little choice in being honest as to what her birthright actually was.
The more Lauren got used to her new status among the bunnies the more she realized how much better it was for herself. She could see that there was a difference between the girls in the cabin accepting her illusion that she was a girl versus the girls in the cabin seeing her as a girl despite the fact that they knew that technically speaking she was a boy. It proved to Lauren just how much she had moved over to being a real girl. Really, at this point all that separated her from real girls was her penis.
The girls went straight to lunch after getting their hair and nails done and finally arrived back at the cabin ready for the arduous task of putting on their make up and getting dressed for the cotillion photo. When the photo was done, they could undress temporarily until the cotillion would start. Lauren had a special pair of pantyhose set aside for this day. She was already wearing the panty and bra that she thought were her prettiest. She didn't want to overlook any little detail. For example, if for some reason Peter got the chance to see her bra, she really wanted it to be her sexiest. Lauren also had a particular slip she planned to wear and she put that on. She gazed at her profile in a mirror and particularly at the fact that her breasts did show up as small protrusions in her bra and slip. She had a figure, plain and simple.
With all the girls in the cabin now wearing their slips and stockings they gathered in groups to help each other with their makeup. For Lauren, Thalia and Joan were her advisors and the three of them gathered on Joan's bed where they proceeded one by one to apply makeup while being supervised and directed by the others. In Lauren's case, she still wasn't as skilled as her friends and so they did most of the work putting on her facial cream, foundation, powder, rouge, eyeliner, mascara and some eyeshadow. After her dress was on, Lauren would apply her lipstick.
In short order, the girls were going one by one to the closet and taking out their gowns. Lauren carefully lifted hers, which was in a protective cover, out of the closet and hung it on a hook near her bunk. She unzipped the cover and took the dress out. Lauren grew faint with excitement as she reacquainted herself with the gown that was worthy of a true princess. It was as nice as the one Cinderella wore to the ball.
She delicately moved her fingers through the many layers of skirts and touched the starchy crinoline inside. She unzipped the back zipper and lifted the gown up over her head with her arms raised and let the dress settle in over her. Joan and Thalia quite had their breath taken away by the sight of the gown. Several other girls came over to take a look.
"It's just the prettiest gown," Thalia said, "I'm jealous!"
Lauren giggled and blushed. "It was love at first sight, and they almost were sold out. I was lucky that the mannequin happened to have the dress in my size!"
Ann touched the skirt and said, "it's so soft and delicate and I love the pink flowers you can see faintly in the ivory colored skirt."
"I like full skirts like that myself," Susan said.
"Puffy!" Ann said.
"Exactly," Susan said. "It's like a Quinceanera dress my sister's friend wore. They often have puffy dresses like that, and you wear them with a hoop so they really stick out."
Joan zipped up the back of Lauren's dress and then while the other girls were getting into their dresses and finishing up their make up, Lauren put on pink lipstick that matched her dress. The last step in getting ready was to put on her high heels. She sat down on her bed, spreading the skirts out carefully and put on her shoes. Later that afternoon, when she did her final preparations for going to the cotillion she would put on a few drops of perfume on her neck so that if Peter leaned in while they were dancing he would be captivated by the scent.
Marilyn walked through the cabin checking out each girl one by one exclaiming how grown up they looked and how beautiful. Finally when everyone was ready she escorted them to the field to have their picture taken. Lauren could see that girls from all the other upper camp cabins were making their way to toward the field.
In the distance there was a long row of chairs set up in the grass near the flag pole. A narrow concrete sidewalk ran from one side of the field to the flag pole and the girls were making their way to the sidewalk so they could avoid walking through the field in their heels as much as possible.
Lauren held her skirt on either side as she walked to lessen the amount it swayed back and forth. It was a bit awkward walking in high heels, but judging by the other girls walking near her, everyone was having about the same degree of difficulty. Marcie joined up with Lauren and walked together with her and Joan and Thalia. Since the girls could only go single file along the sidewalk they bunched up in a knot waiting for their chance to go forward to where the chairs were.
While Lauren waited in the line she observed the dresses of the girls near her. Quite a few had dresses like hers, though hers was definitely the prettiest. Many of the dresses were sleeker and somewhat more sophisticated, such as the silky violet dress that Marcie was wearing. As one would expect from Marcie, the front of the dress was decidedly too low cut and one could easily partake of a view of a goodly portion of her breasts.
"That's a very pretty dress, Marcie," Lauren said.
"Lauren, nobody out does you in the pretty department. You're like some fairy princess."
As each girl reached the row of seats, one of the counselors directed them according to their height and the way they were dressed to either sit or stand behind the chairs. Lauren and Joan were directed to sit and Marcie and Thalia were sent to the back. Lauren and Joan sat down side by side about a third of the way from the center of the chairs to the left side from the photographers' vantage point. Marcie stood directly behind Lauren and Thalia stood behind Joan.
It was a bit comical as Lauren attempted to sit and the crinoline puffed up half covering Joan. She got up and this time she gathered her skirts and lifted them up in the back as she sat so the front of the skirt did not rise up. There was a lot of skirt bunched up around Lauren and she rested her hands gently on the front of her skirt and kept her knees tightly together. Just like the photo she had seen of last year's cotillion, the camera would record not only herself and her pretty dress, but some of her underskirt and the crinoline and her pretty stockinged legs ending in her high heel shoes.
While Lauren and the others waited for everyone to assemble, Eileen sat down to Lauren's right. Her dress was also held out with crinolines and it took some adjusting so neither of the dresses of the two girls covered that much of the other one. Eventually everything worked out satisfactorily. Marcie rested her hands on Lauren's shoulder and Lauren turned around and looked up at Marcie and smiled. This moment was as perfect as she imagined it would be.
In short order, all the girls were seated or standing as they were supposed to and the photographer, a young man with a beard, proceeded to adjust his equipment and offer a few directions to the girls. "I've never seen such a group of princesses all in one place. Can you all give me a very special royal smile that will be remembered for the ages?"
There was some snickering from the girls and he said, "No goofy smiles. Good. I'll count to three and everybody make sure you're smiling and looking right at the camera. Very good! One. Two. Three!" Then the photographer took about a dozen shots in rapid fire succession. Through them all, Lauren grinned as happily as she could and she sat up as nicely as she could on the chair making her small chest push out as much as she possible. She hoped that next year when the camp brochure came out she would see how truly pretty and gorgeous she was. It was nice to think that many girls who were thinking of going to Camp Shoni might see her happy smile and beautiful dress and decide that that was where they wanted to go to camp! How especially ironic it would be if somewhere another boy like Lauren saw her picture and made plans just like she did to go to Camp Shoni.
The photographer thanked everyone and the girls proceeded to depart back to their cabins to await the start of the cotillion. Once again Lauren and the others had to wait while every girl negotiated the thin sidewalk in their high heels that led off from the center of the field.
End Part VI
The Story Conclusion... Next!
If you have the time, I really would love to hear from you in a PM.
Thank you for reading my story! ~Pamela
Camp Shoni - Part 7 (Final)
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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 7 (Final)
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Image Credits: Pictures purchased and licensed for publishing from 123rf.com.
The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 19
Just before six that afternoon Lauren and the girls were dressed back in their gowns and the final preparations for the evening had been made. Lauren was now perfumed to her own satisfaction and felt wonderfully alive and ravishingly pretty in her dress. The excitement shared by the bunnies in her cabin was infectious and the girls were enormously relieved when Marilyn signaled it was time to leave for the cotillion. The girls filed out of the cabin and made their way carefully in their high heels along the paved paths to the recreation center.
There was a soft, gentle breeze that rustled the skirts of the girls as they walked. Lauren felt the air travel up around her stockings underneath her dress and cause her skirts to puff out around her and rub smoothly against her thighs. She delicately rested her hands on her skirts to make sure that they didn't blow up around her exposing her petticoats or pantyhose. As she and the others passed some of the cabins where the younger girls stayed, Lauren could see them lined up outside admiring the older girls as they headed off to the cotillion. Many of the girls exclaimed and pointed when Lauren came by. Her dress had clearly caused a sensation among the young girls.
Unlike the more informal dances during the preceding weeks, the boys were to come in age order form the oldest to the youngest. As each group came they would find their dates if they had them and enter the hall. This meant that Joan would link up with Fred, and Marcie - who had agreed to go with one of the older campers named Kevin - went in before Lauren and Thalia. The girls formed into a line that roughly matched when they expected their date to arrive.
At precisely six O'clock the first bus arrived to an audible cry of excitement from the girls. The boys descended off the bus wearing dark, formal suits of varying degrees of elegance. Some boys wore well tailored suits that made them look like young celebrities while others looked dorky as if they had never worn a suit before. Down the line of girls waiting for their dates, Lauren could see that Fred and Brian were among the first boys off the bus and they were both dressed superbly. Joan waved at Fred and Lauren was able to see him give her a kiss on the lips and then take her hand and quickly turn away to enter the ballroom.
Curious as to who Brian's date might be, Lauren was not surprised when she turned out to be one of the older girls. She was very pretty with long blonde hair and was wearing a white sheath dress. It was clear that Lauren had had no chance of getting a guy like Brian as long as she was competing against a girl like that. In any event, regardless of whatever remaining feelings she might have for Brian, she was more than happy to be with Peter and she couldn't wait until he showed up.
It wasn't long before the last of the buses arrived and Lauren and Thalia got to see Peter and Owen step down off of it looking for their dates. Both were dressed in fine dark suits and Lauren was quite pleased to see how nicely trim and suave Peter looked in his suit. His shoes were polished and shiny and she loved the light blue tie he was wearing. Best of all, she had the chance to see his face the moment his eyes landed on her and the unbelievable recoil of excitement was undeniable. "Oh my God," he said as he rushed up to her and took her hands. "You are so unbelievably pretty!"
"Thank you, Peter!" She allowed Peter to feast his eyes upon her and then she said coyly, "Do you like my dress?".
"It's so cool and you're so beautiful in it!"
"I love your suit," Lauren said, "and it's a pretty tie."
"My parents insisted that I bring a good suit for the cotillion. I kept telling them that it was pointless, but now I think they must have been right."
"I hope you tell them that!" Lauren said. "I think you look really handsome in it and I'm glad you have it here."
They smiled at each other and then Peter said, "I guess we better go in." He put his hand on Lauren's back and gently guided her to walk with him. With her heels on, Lauren was an inch or two taller than she had been and now came up in height to about Peter's nose. Peter walked slowly next to her as she gracefully strolled forward in her high heels. Not far ahead were Thalia and Owen and Lauren could easily see how much in love with each other the two of them were.
Inside the hall there was a large dance space in the middle, a band had set up on a raised stage at the other end of the hall. To the left lining the wall was food and drinks. To the right were tables, chairs and here and there some comfortable seating in the form of groups of sofas and plush chairs. The lights were softened so as to add a romantic feel to the hall. Lauren was amazed to see just how fancy the decorations were. Though she had wanted to help with the preparations for the Cotillion, she had ended up being too busy on the play to be of assistance.
Now she had the chance to see the wonderful artwork that helped turn the otherwise mundane recreation building into a romantic ballroom from an earlier era. There were imitation gaslight sconces on the walls and large murals depicting French windows and balconies. The one discordant note was a large banner hung across one wall that said in large capital letters: "NO SHENANIGANS!" The campers understood what that meant since they had been coached by their counselors to know that no petting was allowed in the cotillion hall. The implication, never mentioned by the counselors or anyone else, was whether or not petting was allowed outside the cotillion. It was assumed by all that it was a question of "don't ask, so no one told you that you couldn't."
The combined effect of so many kids wearing nice clothes was impressive. It uplifted everyone's spirit and made them feel the night was very special - an evening that hearkened back to an earlier time when people focused on being elegant. Peter was more selfconfidant than he had been when he first met Lauren. Instead of being tentative and unsure of himself, he now very well played the role of a strong and distinguished suitor. Lauren was relieved and happy that Peter had been able to grow that way in their relationship, so now for this wonderful night Peter would be her prince charming. He would see to her happiness and provide the perfect backdrop for her romantic evening.
When Lauren thought of all the effort she had taken to prepare for the night, to get herself so perfectly dressed and made up it was especially gratifying that Peter appreciated her for her splendor. A girl this pretty deserved a confidant and attentive man.
The first few dances were fast and both Lauren and Peter took it easy dancing, not over-exerting themselves. They enjoyed the music but what they really were waiting for were some of the dreamy slow dances that would come as the night progressed. For her part, Lauren felt that with the kind of dress she was wearing it did not make sense to stir up her skirts too much or risk falling over on her high heels. It was also possible she would get a run in her pantyhose so it was best to dance demurely. In any event, it gave her more opportunity to look at the other kids. She could see Marcie and her date and Joan and Fred and several of the other girls in her cabin. The counselors were hanging out together watching the festivities with drinks in their hands.
Lauren and Peter sampled some of the food, carefully avoiding the possibility of dropping anything on their clothing. Eventually they connected up with Thalia and Owen and the four of them went to sit down on some sofas. Lauren and Thalia sat down together on one sofa with Lauren doing her best to keep her skirts under control. The two boys stood gazing at the girls uncertain as to what had just taken place. Lauren and Thalia at first pretended like nothing had happened and then they began giggling. "Are you going to stand all night?" Thalia said.
The two boys sat down on the other sofa clearly surprised at not being able to sit with their dates. Then Peter got back up and said "hey, the sign says no shenanigans so why are you shenaniganing?"
"Shenaniganing?" Thalia said laughing.
"It's the shenanigans on your mind that we're trying to stop!" Lauren added and Thalia nodded her agreement.
"Listen here Lauren Baxter, we just want to sit with you. They'll definitely be no shenanigans," Peter said.
"Peter's right, come on Thalia," Owen said, "time is passing!"
"What do you think Lauren?" Thalia said. "Should we let these boys sit with us?"
While Owen and Peter found the game fun, sitting close to the girls would be a whole lot more fun, so they could not help themselves from complaining.
Peter gently took Lauren's wrist and began pulling on her to get up. "Please sit with me. Pretty, pretty please."
"You poor boy," Lauren said.
Thalia said, "it doesn't look like they're going to take no for an answer."
"We won't", Owen said.
"Then I guess we have no choice," Lauren said as she stood up and let Peter direct her to sit down with him on the other sofa. Immediately Owen joined Thalia on hers. Lauren's skirts half covered Peter as he put his arm over her shoulder and turned his face toward hers.
His face was a few inches away from hers and they were looking deeply into each other's eyes. Lauren felt her chest contract and she became a little light headed. "No choice?" Lauren said in a faint voice looking into Peter's eyes.
"None," Peter said.
"Well then," Lauren said and she had to stop talking as Peter moved his mouth forward until it covered hers.
"No shenanigans," Lauren said feebly.
Immediately she felt Peter put his tongue in her mouth and they kissed.
A minute later they heard a voice next to them saying, "come on Peter and Owen, you know the rules!" It was one of the counselors from Camp Dan.
Both Peter and Owen, who had been intently kissing Thalia, broke off the kisses and looked at the counselor.
"Sorry!" Owen said.
"It won't happen again," Peter said.
The counselor laughed at them and walked on. Apparently the counselors meant what they said about no shenanigans.
"We can go outside," Peter said to Lauren.
"Let's dance. It's a little early for that," Lauren said. She knew for sure that she wanted to be "outside" with Peter, but she was scared to be in a situation with him where he might get her in a position where she couldn't stop him from what he wanted to do. It wasn't that Peter would hurt her in any way or make her do something she didn't want to do. It was that she found the combination of his strength and desire for her to be intoxicating: that her femininity could drive him to want her so bad. It was wonderful, Lauren had to admit to herself. Since the dance would end at midnight, she figured that if they went outside about 9 or 10 then things might not progress to a point beyond where she felt she shouldn't go.
"OK," Peter said. Her phrase "a little early for that," seemed to imply that she would go outside with him. He had not dared let himself even speculate that she would be willing for that to happen and now she had given him a definite suggestion that she would. On the other hand, he wondered when would be the right time to ask her a second time to go outside.
Lauren sensed his dejection and said, "come dance now and when the sun sets who knows?" A slow dance came on and Peter and Lauren began dancing. They were a beautiful couple together. Her pretty dress pushed into and back against his straight dapper figure. His mouth found hers again and they kissed. "No shenanigans" be damned, Peter thought to himself. For her part, Lauren surrendered herself to Peter and was content to let him make the decisions. In any event, it was hard to concentrate on anything other than the tongue that filled her mouth and upon which she gently suckled.
Once again Marilyn and Amy found themselves together viewing Lauren as she danced with Peter. Marilyn felt slightly titillated that she knew Lauren's big secret and Amy didn't. It was the perfect passive aggressive revenge for the fact that Amy had forced her to cancel "Oliver" in favor of "A Chorus Line."
"That Lauren is so cute," Amy said. "I must admit that I gave serious thought to just confronting her myself one day, but when you look upon someone like that, how can anyone question her sex? Did you ever see a girl who was so built for a pretty dress? I have to say I'm spellbound."
Oh God! Marilyn thought, how I would love to tell Amy the truth this very minute? Instead, she said, "she is a little princess. She was my favorite camper this summer." Marilyn watched as Peter kissed her. For the most part the counselors overlooked kissing while the kids danced as long as they did not grope each other or do some other inappropriate thing. In Marilyn's mind there was a gay element to what she was watching since she knew that it was two boys in the embrace. She wondered what Peter would do if he were to find out that Lauren wasn't exactly a girl. As the girls had said earlier, it's really only a technicality that Lauren is a boy. It was damn hard to find anything about him that was boy like. She would have to make a point of finding out what happened to Lauren after he got back home. Surely with those little boobs of hers, boobs that Marilyn could not figure out how she had developed, it would not take his parents long to figure out that their son was pretending to be a girl.
Marilyn had no way of knowing that Amy was also certain that "Lauren" was "Lorin." Camp Dan had recently given her a box full of letters written to Lorin Baxter from his parents, his girl friend Penny and a boy named Kenny. She had read them all and together they supported her suspicion. First of all the parents sent postcards the entire summer. How could they possibly not know which camp their kid was in? Secondly, the boy Kenny seemed to know exactly what camp Lorin was in and wrote as if he had written to him in prior years at the same place. How could he not know that Lorin was not enrolled at Camp Dan?
As far as Penny went, her first few letters seemed to suggest that she was unhappy that Lorin hadn't written to her. Then she sent a letter that said that she had met another guy that she really liked. It was basically a "Dear John" letter. Then she sent a letter saying that she had gotten some letters from Lorin but they seemed like he had never gotten her letters. After that Penny sent no more letters.
As much as Amy wanted to expose the truth about Lauren/Lorin, she decided that in view of how close it was to the end of the summer and the fact that the girls of Lauren's own cabin hadn't discovered the secret, there was no point in creating a huge ruckus. At this point Amy figured that Lauren's parents would figure it out, but Amy would play dumb and then the whole thing would blow past. Next year Amy might have to resort to checking the girls when they arrived at camp to verify that they were indeed girls. The thought made her laugh. She had to hand it to Lauren that he certainly was a brilliant actor. He was more feminine than any of the girls, and he seemed so sincere. On the other hand, she did not envy him the news about Penny dumping him which he'll only find out about when he came home.
As a slow dance ended, Lauren and Peter noticed that it had gotten dark outside. They had been about as close as two people could be slow dancing and Lauren felt that if Peter was to now lead her outside she wouldn't object. Lauren looked up and saw Peter staring outside and expected that any second he would take charge and they would go find a place where they could go to the "next level." Exactly what that level would be, Lauren could not say for sure. At the right moment she hoped that she would see clearly what she wanted to do and was able to do.
Before Peter and she could decide what their next move should be Marcie and her date came up to them. "This is my best friend Lauren and this is Peter," Marcie said to her date and then added while laughing, "Oh, and this is Kevin."
Kevin was an older camper that Lauren had seen from time to time. He was very handsome and Lauren felt oddly jealous of how nicely Marcie and he looked together.
"How are you getting along tonight?" Marcie said.
"Nice," Lauren said.
"Don't you just love her dress?" Marcie said to Kevin.
"Sex E" Kevin said.
"I'll say," Marcie said.
Just then Joan and Fred came up to them followed by Brian and his date, Betty. Brian looked completely ravishing and Lauren couldn't help but remember the kiss they had shared. There was no way that she could offer a credible resistance to Brian if he wanted her. It was definitely good that he hadn't asked her to the cotillion. The older campers were far more at ease than Lauren and Peter who were left more or less speechless in the face of the incessant joking of Brian, Fred and Kevin. Marcie and Joan seemed perfectly comfortable hanging out with the older guys. It made Lauren crave a private moment with Peter to get back to the serene and loving mood she had just been in with him before everyone else showed up.
Lauren looked at Peter who looked back at her with a frustrated look. She tried to communicate to him through her eyes that he should do something about the situation. Time was a wasting. Finally Marcie must have picked up on Lauren's stares and said, "we should let these two go on. They're headed outside for some fresh air, I'll bet."
"Exactly," Peter said, finally unstuck from his social paralysis.
Lauren smiled reassuringly and Peter knew that finally he and Lauren were on the same page. They headed outside and walked slowly arm in arm looking at the stars and the trees. There were a few benches spaced widely apart near the lake and Lauren suggested they head that way. A few couples were already in evidence on different benches and as Peter and Lauren passed the couples, they could see them exchanging passionate kisses. Finally they stopped in front of a vacant bench and Peter took off his coat and gallantly laid it on the seat. "I wouldn't want you to get any dirt on your pretty dress," he said.
Lauren laughed quietly and said, "thank you Peter. You are very considerate." She sat down on his coat while she lifted and held out her skirts and then arranged them around her after she sat down. Peter sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.
He was intensely agitated and said, "I love you Lauren!"
Before she could say anything he was kissing her. He was leaning into her pushing her back against the bench and she put her arms around his back and touched the nape of his neck. As Peter's tongue filled her mouth she sucked on it. She felt Peter's hand go over the front of her dress and cup one of her small breasts. She could tell that there was enough breast there for him to hold on to since she could feel her breast being gently pushed one way or another inside her bra. After a few minutes of that she could tell that Peter wanted to put his hand inside her dress to touch her breasts directly. He was trying to go down her front and she whispered in his ear, "you can undo the zipper in the back."
She knew that she wanted him to play with her breasts, that was something she had decided well before the evening. Dutifully, Peter fumbled around on her back until he found and lowered the zipper. The front of her dress was now easily accessible and Lauren felt his hand hungrily reach in and cup his breast over her bra and then she felt him reach inside the bra. The sensation was electrifying and when Peter began manipulating her nipple Lauren began moaning with pleasure.
She hadn't expected that this would feel so good. Peter now helped Lauren lower the front of her dress past her arms and he lifted up her bra so her small breasts were visible. He lowered his head and began sucking on one nipple while he played with the other. He then used his hands to cup the two breasts, and resumed kissing her lips.
For a half hour they petted like this. At one point Lauren had inserted her hands inside Peter's shirt and had gently touched the hard muscles of his chest and then his arms and bicep. It amazed her how much stronger Peter was than she thought he would be from his physique. Finally, Peter sat back on his spot next to Lauren to catch his breath. He still kept one hand on her breast, occasionally switching it from one to the other. Lauren sensed that Peter wanted to say something.
"What is it honey?" Lauren said.
"You know I love you," Peter said.
"And I love you too, darling," Lauren said.
Peter kissed her again. Lauren could tell that Peter was agitated and she waited patiently for him to say what was on his mind. Finally he said, "you know Lauren that boys have some special kinds of problems with their, um, you know, down there."
"Down there?" Lauren asked innocently. She fought back an urge to laugh. What exactly was Peter trying to tell her? She had hoped that he would have limits as to how far he wanted her to go that night. Now she had to wonder if maybe he was planning on having real sex with her. That would be disastrous since she would have to rebuff him, but worse it would make her think that that was the only reason he wanted to be with her.
"Yeah, down there, um, sometimes boys if they do like a lot of kissing, it starts to hurt."
"Hurt?"
"Yeah, it's called 'blue balls'."
"The girls were talking about it earlier this summer," Lauren said. "Some of the girls said it doesn't really exist."
"Oh, it exists all right. It's really painful."
"I'm really sorry you've got that!" Lauren said.
Peter waited for Lauren to say something more, like how might they fix the problem. After a minute where Peter looked to be struggling in pain she finally said, "What can you do about it?"
Peter was hoping she would have said, "what can I or we do about it." He was unsure how to proceed from this point.
Lauren was now scared. She hoped that he would not suggest that she "go down on him," as some of the girls called putting a boy's thing in their mouths. It sounded awful and scary to Lauren and she could not imagine why girls would do it.
"Maybe you could just touch me a little?" Peter said in obvious agony, "with your hand?"
Lauren felt relieved to hear that. Thank goodness it was no more than that. She had thought previously about what it might be like to touch one of them with her hand, and had concluded that it probably wasn't dangerous or something that could embarrass her. "I've never done anything like that," Lauren said. She had mixed emotions about touching it or not. She didn't want Peter suffering but she also didn't want to seem too eager to do it.
In her own mind it was best if she sort of did it because it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. In her day dreams about how far she and Peter might go sexually, she hadn't taken into account his obvious pain, and that changed the equation a bit. She decided that she ought to help him out.
Another couple walked by them heading to a further bench and Lauren covered up her chest with the front of her dress. When they had gone past them Lauren said, "come give me another kiss."
Peter once again embraced her and they began kissing. While they kissed Peter felt Lauren's breasts again and while he did so Lauren let her hand fall onto Peter's thigh and then she slowly moved it toward his crotch. She almost immediately felt a bulge and then Peter's hand was on top of hers. In a slightly desperate fumbling he undid his fly and took his hand away.
As they kissed he breathed heavily in and out and made a kind of moaning sound. Very tentatively Lauren moved her hand until she found where his zipper had been undone and then moved her fingers through the opening not sure of what she would find. Almost immediately she came across the sort of hard and upright object that Peter wanted her to touch. It was embedded in his cotton undershorts and Lauren worked her hand slowly in through the opening.
She could tell that Peter was now frantic. She moved her hand in another inch and now touched the side of Peter's warm pliable boy thing. With a bit of adjusting she was able to put her hand around it and hold it. Peter made a kind of yelping sound and then pulled his tongue out of Lauren's mouth. "Oh, yes, that is so good. Oh, I love you Lauren. I love you." Peter was attempting to move himself within Lauren's hand and she obliged him by sliding her fingers up and down a bit. In perhaps thirty seconds she could feel Peter's entire body tense and then there was a series of spasmodic pulsing to the thing she was holding and she felt her hand get a little moist. Peter was breathing hard, like he had just run a big race.
"Oh God Lauren that was so wonderful. You're so kind and loving. I can never thank you enough."
"I'm happy to do it for you," Lauren said and held his head against her chest. A few minutes later after Peter reorganized the situation inside his pants, Lauren said, "does this mean we can't kiss anymore?"
Peter immediately began kissing her again without any loss of passion. After a dozen minutes or so Lauren felt Peter's hand slowly working its way down toward her belly. She broke off the kiss and said, "I don't think we ought to do that, I hope you won't be mad at me."
"How could I ever be mad at you?" Peter said and his hand moved back up to Lauren's breasts.
While they kissed Lauren moved her hand back toward Peter's pants and slowly undid the buckle of his belt and the pants button. Lauren worked her hand onto Peter's stomach and gently felt the warm flesh. She caressed the sides of his body and moved her hand up to his chest and lightly touched his nipples again. Then she slowly ran her fingers down toward his waist. She lingered there for a few minutes and then inched it down until she felt his bush. Despite his earlier climax, Peter was once again aroused and this time Lauren made a much slower and more careful inspection of the object.
Working her fingers this way and that, sometimes very slowly, sometimes faster she covered every inch. She started at the base and eventually reached the wet tip and then down again and then out of curiosity she pushed her hand in further until she found the two roundish orbs that lay underneath. They were surprisingly hot and remarkably fun to play with. She let them ever so slowly dance between her fingers.
When she was done there she brought her whole hand up along the bottom of the main part of Peter's manhood and in a sudden convulsion like the one before she felt now her entire palm fill up with hot fluid as Peter gasped and made a slight shriek of excitement.
Lauren whispered in Peter's ear, "I love you honey."
Peter returned the sentiment and Lauren added, "do you have a handkerchief or something? I shouldn't get any on my dress."
"Oh sure, oh sure," Peter said and he produced a handkerchief that he placed into Lauren's wet hand.
Peter's second climax also marked a climax for the evening, albeit one that would linger steadily until midnight when the boys would board their buses and the wonderful evening would be over. Peter and Lauren kissed a bit more and then sensed that it was late. Other couples were standing up and walking slowly back to the cotillion arm in arm.
Lauren refastened her bra strap in the back and with Peter's help zipped up the back of her dress. Then she watched as Peter adjusted his manhood one last time, zipped up pants and redid his belt buckle. They stood up and Lauren straightened out Peter's shirt, tie and jacket so he looked neat. Lauren had a small purse with her from which she extracted a lipstick and she carefully redid her lips and then took out a small brush and did her hair.
The two love birds strolled back to the hall. "I had such a wonderful time," Lauren said.
Peter smiled at her and tried to say the same thing to her but his voice became husky and he had to stop. Lauren looked at him and saw that he was fighting back tears. Finally Peter calmed himself enough to say that he hoped that they could get together again after camp. They lived about 60 miles apart and there was a train and a bus that connected their cities.
"I would love that very much," Lauren said and smiled. This caused Peter to smile; it seemed to enormously lift his spirits. As sad as Lauren was about the stark reality that she wasn't likely to see much more of Peter, and she did truly love him, the fact of the matter was that she had been weathering powerful emotional storms ever since she had signed up to come to Camp Shoni.
In proportion to all her previous ups and downs the problem of Peter, though significant, was not as potentially scary as the basic reality of having to choose between becoming Lorin again, or going home as Lauren. There was also Marcie to consider, though at this moment Lauren wasn't sure what she should think about Marcie's evident infatuation with Kevin. Lauren prayed that her friendship with Marcie would never be broken. With her they had no secrets any more. With Peter there was a lie at the bottom of her relationship with him that would cause her to always be afraid of hurting him.
When they got to the cotillion hall, they found Owen and Thalia and then Marcie and Kevin and Joan and Fred. There were still a few more slow songs to be danced to and the couples wrapped themselves up in each others arms to make the best of the remaining minutes of the evening. At midnight they all said their farewells as the boys boarded the buses. Thalia was crying outright and Lauren felt some tears falling. Peter and Owen sitting in the bus waved at the girls who waved back at them. Both boys had glistening eyes and Lauren was happy that Peter could see that she cried some tears also.
After the buses pulled out, Lauren, Thalia, Joan and Marcie walked back toward their cabins together. "You poor dears," Marcie said to Lauren and Thalia as they dabbed at their eyes with tissues.
"Owen lives a couple of hours away from me," Thalia said. "I think my mom will let him come visit, so I don't think it should be too bad." Thalia laughed and said, "and there is always next summer."
Thalia did not have to voice the fact that there was a lot of time before next summer rolled around and by then, one had no idea about whether Owen would be back, or whether he had a winter girl friend or whatever. Thalia's situation herself might change. Maybe she would get a boy friend at school. "The big question," Thalia said, "is whether or not the special connection I had with Owen is something that could happen again with someone else, or is it just totally unique."
"I think if it's unique," Marcie said, "then you and Owen will realize it eventually and you'll get back together."
"That's nice of you to say that Marcie," Thalia said. It was a wonderful thought. That "soul mates" would always find a way to come back together.
Lauren wondered if Peter fit the category of a soul mate. Probably not. She couldn't imagine him not freaking out if he found out that Lauren wasn't everything he thought she was, and she couldn't blame him for that. Marcie on the other hand, it could be that she was her soul mate. Lauren was walking next to Marcie and she put her hand into Marcie's to see what the reaction would be. Marcie held her hand firmly and then put her arm around Lauren's shoulder and gave her a hug. They looked at each other and Marcie's face said that she understood what Lauren was wondering. The gesture raised Lauren's spirits a bit. Marcie was for real. Despite their being with boys for the cotillion, they still had a special connection with each other.
Back at the cabin Lauren, Thalia and Joan insisted that Marcie stay with them and she agreed. "Marcie can sleep in my bed," Lauren volunteered and so it was arranged. It was late and everyone was tired but still there was a huge amount of gossip and analysis of the evening that the girls had to work through. Several conversations at different ends of the cabin continued and Marilyn held off from shutting off the lights.
Each of the girls in their own way had pushed against the limits of what they had ever done with a boy before. Without being too graphic Lauren had shared some of her story with Peter and after listening to the others she felt comforted in knowing that they had mostly had similar experiences. Boys seemed to have a need for consummation that was generally more imperative than that of the girls. That a lot of stimulation caused them to become desperate for some sort of release seemed to be the pattern. For girls to think it was just a trick on the part of boys was probably not at all accurate.
Lauren wondered how far Marcie had gone with Kevin but she decided that the less she knew the better. She would be jealous if Marcie told her that she had had some serious sexual encounter with him. For her part, Marcie wished to protect Lauren from hearing things that were beyond her experience and understanding, so she deflected any discussion of how the night went with Kevin. All she would say was that Kevin was one of the nicer boys she had dated and that the cotillion had been a nice experience for her. In contrast, Lauren absolutely gushed about how wonderful the night had been. That it had gone even better than she had ever imagined it would.
While the girls talked they took off their dresses. Marcie unhooked the back of Lauren's dress and helped her step out of it. When it was off, Lauren held it up to admire it one last time before putting it in its garment bag. She didn't know when she might wear it again. It would come home in her trunk and in the best of circumstances she would be able to get it back into hiding so she could wear it another day. In a more likely scenario something would go wrong and her parents would take the dress away from her, a thought that was equally bad as the thought that her parents would learn of her secret.
When every action of every boy had been discussed and considered and every last remark made about how other girls had acted and behaved the cabin grew quiet and Marilyn turned out the lights. Marcie had taken off her dress and borrowed one of Lauren's night gowns and she climbed into bed with Lauren. At first Marilyn had objected to Marcie staying over, but ultimately had approved of the idea after Marcie first ran to her cabin to make sure her counselor knew that she wouldn't be back. The cotillion evening was the one day of the summer when all the rules got broken.
The narrowness of the bed forced Marcie and Lauren to be cuddled up in each others arms; Lauren's head rested on Marcie's bosom as she cradled the more delicate girl in her arms. For Lauren it was the most fitting end of the day. She knew that she had Marcie all to herself and that she would be the one constant in her life as it moved into the future.
Chapter 20
Judging by the funeral atmosphere of Camp Shoni the day after the cotillion many of the girls wondered if it was even worth it to have had such a wonderful magical night. Ultimately, as in all aspects of life, the girls decided that as bad as the pain was, it was always better to opt for living life than letting the time slip by without truly living.
For Lauren in particular, this had ultimately been the main justification for her summer long deception: she remembered clearly her realization that to not act was to suffer a worse fate in endless regret and longing then to plunge ahead and fight to get the kind of future she wanted. And now she had pretty much pulled it off.
She had gone to the cotillion in her pretty dress. She had felt like a princess the entire night. She would never ever forget the wonderful feelings of happiness she had felt and the wonderful elation of being Peter's girl, and doing right by him to make him feel so good. Peter would always have those memories of having been with Lauren and that would be part of his permanent history of that night. One day he might even tell his grandchildren that the first love of his life had been a pretty girl named Lauren that he had spent a magical night with at the Camp Shoni cotillion. Finally, the perfect evening ended with Marcie sleeping with Lauren and holding her and making her feel safe and protected.
There was one week until the end of camp and the time passed very quickly as every one tried to make the most of their remaining time with each other. To Lauren the days were a blur of wonderful laughing camaraderie with her girl friends as well as a few special moments to treasure. One of these was another opportunity to see Peter in the middle of the lake where they held each other in the water and Lauren kissed him. They made vows to call each other when they got home and hopefully try and arrange a visit. The moments in the lake were fleeting and somewhat melancholic with the huge burden of the forthcoming separation hanging over them. Lauren also managed to spend a couple of nights with Marcie where they snuck out of their cabins to rendezvous near the lake. With Marcie, Lauren was more confident that she'd be seeing her again and their time together was not quite as gloomy as with Peter.
Finally, Saturday rolled around and the girls ate breakfast together for the last time. They could see the buses arriving one by one and parking in the grass field. No one talked. Lauren felt a looming emptiness in her life and a dread of what the future held for her. She fought back tears throughout breakfast and cried unabashedly, unashamedly as one by one parents came and took away her friends. While she was sadly packing her things into her trunk Marilyn came up to her and gave her a big hug. She sat down next to Lauren and told her how special she was to her. About how much she admired her courage and her cleverness and her talent. Through her tears Lauren said, "I'll never forget the fact that you let me go to the cotillion." Marilyn smiled at her and offered to do whatever she could for Lauren if there were anything useful she could do for her. At more than one point Marilyn lost it and tears streamed from her eyes. "I want you to write or email me and tell me how you are," Marilyn said, "and if I don't hear from you I'm going to call you to find out directly."
A short while later Thalia's parents showed up and Lauren had to say goodbye to her. They embraced and cried until finally Thalia's father had to intervene to speed up the long agonizing good bye. "We'll keep in contact," Thalia said and left the cabin. In fact, the bunnies had made plans to keep together via an internet group and had even gone so far as to think about having a reunion at some point during the year. No sooner had Thalia left when Marcie came in to say her good bye. "I told my dad I needed a few minutes alone with my best buddy, so let's take a little walk," Marcie said.
Lauren and Marcie walked around behind the cabin and into the forest along the path they had followed at night. When they were away from the sounds of the campers and parents they stopped and Marcie put her arms around Lauren and brought her in close to her. Lauren could not keep from crying softly while Marcie said to her, "are you still going to be courageous when you get home?"
Lauren nodded her head up and down.
"And do you believe that I'll always love you and be there for you no matter what happens?"
Lauren nodded her head up and down and tears streamed from her eyes.
"Good." Marcie became choked up herself. It was beyond heart wrenching to contemplate the future of her gentle and delicate friend in the face of what would surely happen at home.
Seeing her friend fighting back tears, Lauren said, "don't worry about me. You've given me more than I thought I'd ever get and I'll have you in my thoughts all the time. This wonderful summer that I made a friend like you."
"Anyway, I'm going to send you some more pills and I'll call you up," Marcie said and then Lauren moved her lips up to hers and kissed her. Marcie kissed her back forcefully, they hugged another minute and then Marcie turned and walked away quickly turning back once to wave at her. Lauren could see the tears on her cheeks and it made her feel happy to know that Marcie loved her that much.
Lauren walked back slowly to the cabin. Just Joan and she now remained of the girls. The two of them would be on the same bus back to Poughkeepsie. They sat on their bunks, all packed and waiting for the signal that the bus was ready to go. Besides her trunk, Lauren had packed her knapsack with the things she would need to change into at Poughkeepsie, including the Camp Dan tee shirt that Peter had given her. It was a nice large size and would do a fine job of hiding her new breasts.
After a few minutes Joan got up and sat down on the bunk next to Lauren and put her arm around her shoulders. "We really haven't had much time to be alone since the cotillion."
"I enjoy talking to you," Lauren said. "I was so happy we met at Poughkeepsie at the bus station. It was so easy to talk to you and it really calmed me down. I was so nervous you can't imagine."
Joan laughed. "I had no idea that you were anything other than Lauren. I remember we were riding the bus together to camp and you said your mom didn't believe in make up and that pink was your favorite nail polish color."
"Both of those things were true." Lauren looked down at her long nails with their pink polish on them.
"What are you going to do about that?" Joan asked.
"At Poughkeepsie I have a long layover. I can take off the polish and even get my hair cut. But I still don't know what to do. Maybe I should go back as I am now."
"That's such a huge question. Truthfully I wonder how are you going to give a convincing act of being a boy? It sort of blows my mind to imagine you ever passing yourself off as a boy. If I close my eyes I see you in your cotillion dress - a dress that looks like it was designed with you in mind."
"I don't know, I think that there must be some sort of intrinsic knowledge of how to be a boy in me. I'm terrified of hurting my parents or being laughed at or something worse. Can they put me in an insane asylum for doing what I did?"
Joan laughed, "sorry Lauren but I don't think they even have those anymore. Of course there is nothing funny about your situation." After thinking a few seconds she continued, "I could see that if you go home as a girl it would be a lot more shocking to your parents than if you went back as a boy and sort of gradually made them see that you are really a girl."
"Yeah, I guess I sort of agree with you. But it's hard to give up who I am." It was hard for Lauren not to feel sorry for herself. Among all the girls at Camp Shoni, only she would have to not only give up the wonderful camaraderie of the camp, but also give up her identity, her being a girl. That loss towered over everything else that might happen. If she could have at least known that she would always remain a girl, then bearing the loss of her day to day friendships with the bunnies in her cabin and with Marcie would have been easier to bear.
Lauren knew that she would not show up at home as Lauren. She would use the layover at Poughkeepsie to revert back to Lorin as painful as it might be. Once home she would again dream of becoming Lauren again and she might plot a way to do so. She might have a heart-to-heart conversation with her parents and tell them about who she really was. Of course she knew that she would never to that.
The one thing that she could not undo, at least in a short time, was her breast buds. She did have small breasts now. It was a supremely wonderful thing, the feeling of them on her chest, as well as the intense and satisfying pleasure she had felt when Peter or Marcie had played with them. No matter what she would continue to take enough pills so that she could maintain her breasts. She would no doubt find some way of hiding them from her parents and sister. Perhaps by leaning forward a lot or wearing only loose shirts.
Lauren's reverie was interrupted by Joan who said, "All of the girls at camp are really anxious about what is going to happen to you. You have to keep in touch through the group and let us know how we can help you."
"I will," Lauren said.
 |
Each minute of the ride back to Poughkeepsie Lauren and Joan felt as if something terribly precious was being lost. They clung to the last few moments of their shared time together and hugged and cried in each other's arms when they finally disembarked the bus. Joan's bus to her town was waiting and she had to hurriedly move to catch it. Lauren once again checked her trunk at the bus station and walked out into the city.
While her mind had been made up that she would have to transform herself back to Lorin, she nonetheless found it hard to move her feet forward to once again find Samantha's unisex salon. Over and over again in her mind she tried to play out the likely scenario if she came back as Lauren. Her parents freaking out in front of everyone as she came off the bus. The ride home in terrible tears and anger and recrimination. Threats probably to sue the camp and anyone else who had helped Lauren. No. This was not something Lauren could bear. She started walking faster and once again passed the pizza place and once again realized that she had no appetite. |
In a few minutes she was in front of Samantha's and looked in the window. Both Gus and Samantha were there as well as a customer that Samantha was attending to. Lauren entered the shop.
"Would you look what the cat dragged in!" Samantha said and Gus exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! Lauren, isn't it?"
The customer, an elderly woman turned to look at Lauren.
"So you remember me?" Lauren said.
"Gosh, do we ever," Gus said and came over to look at her.
"It looks like your summer worked out OK," Samantha said.
"Yes, it was fabulous. I made so many great friends." Lauren halted finding it hard to talk about things that had just been taken away from her.
"I'm glad," Gus said. "What can we do for you?"
"I need to go back to the way I was. A kind of short haircut. I also wonder if I can use the bathroom to change my clothes and ..." Lauren hesitated and pointed at her finger and toe nails.
"Remove your nail polish?" Gus said.
"Yeah, I have to."
"No problem," Gus said. "Let's cut your hair, though I do think it's beautiful the way it is."
"Yeah, but my parents," Lauren said.
"I understand," Gus said.
It didn't take long for Gus to shorten Lauren's pretty hair back to the point where it could be taken to be a boy's hair cut and most importantly short enough so that Lauren's dad would not be pissed off. Sensing her pain at seeing the hair go, Gus made a point of trying to style the hair so that it could be rearranged to be more like a girl's, or at least would grow into a girl's style as it got longer.
When he was done Lauren gazed at her new found Lorin image in the mirror. It was awful and she felt slightly sick to her stomach. Why did she have to live in a world where this had to happen? She felt an icy void fill her heart as the enormity of the reality of Lorin filled her consciousness. It was much worse than she had thought it would be. Next she would remove her nail polish and take off her bra and put on Peter's Camp Dan tee shirt and her boy shorts and sneakers. And then she would be Lorin again. She felt a sob rising up in her throat and thanked Gus and ran into the bathroom to do the dirty job. Ten minutes later she emerged as Lorin. By outward appearance a boy, by inward feeling still very much Lauren.
"How much do I owe you?" Lorin said to Gus. He said it mechanically with a voice that was not quite Lorin of old and not quite Lauren.
"It's on me kiddo," Gus said.
Samantha's customer was under the dryer and Samantha came over to look at Lorin and said, "why do I feel like the canary has died?"
"I can just imagine what he's going through," Gus said.
"Yes, I can see," Samantha said. "Are you in a rush?"
Lorin shook his head and said, "no, I have an hour."
"Sit down and let's talk. OK?" Samantha said.
"Sure," Lorin said and sat down next to her.
"You see yourself as being a girl?" Samantha said.
Lorin nodded his head.
"So you changed back because of your parents?"
"Yes."
"You did the right thing for now I suppose, but, you know, if you were my son I'd want you to tell me everything. Everything. Everything about how you feel inside."
"They'll kill me. They'll hate me. They'll put me in an asylum or something."
"Of course I don't know your mother, but I am a mother myself and the thing is if one of my sons knew he was a girl inside, and he confided that to me, then I would do none of the things you said. I'd just make sure that it was really really true and once I knew it was I'd do everything in my power to enable him to be the girl he felt he was. You see, from a mother's point of view, or at least many mothers, how could they think that knowing oneself is a girl to be a bad thing? Mothers are girls themselves and they grew up being girls and if their son feels the same way that they did growing up, where is the harm?"
"My mom will be shocked and freaked out."
"I'm sure but what I'm talking about is the part where she has had a chance to think and to understand you. If she is the kind of person who goes by reason and science so to say, then I know she'll come to accept you. Of course, if she doesn't want to be rational and instead appeals to some imagined sense of morality, then she'll freak out for sure. But people who act on motivations like that lose all credibility. In other words, there is no reason for you to accept the arbitrariness of their actions. Sure they can make your life miserable but they can't take away who you are unless you let them."
It was an amazing speech that Lorin was only able to understand in pieces but he felt he grasped enough to see the main point.
Samantha continued, "the last thing I'll say is that I'm sure your mother is the kind of woman who reasons because you display a sweetness and kindness that comes from a family that is compassionate."
"I really appreciate what you've said. It makes me feel more hopeful."
"Can I give you a hug?" Samantha said.
Lorin nodded and smiled and Samantha hugged him. "But what about my dad?" Lorin said.
"Fathers are fathers, what can one say?" Samantha said. To Gus she added, "what about fathers, Gus?"
"Geez, I don't know. Fathers are men. You can't expect all that much from them. Have a heart-to-heart with mom, and she'll get your dad on board if you're lucky."
From the clock on the wall Lorin saw that it was time to go. "I can't thank you both enough..."
"Call us and let us know what happens. Will you?" Gus said and Samantha seconded the thought.
"I will," Lorin said. In his backpack now he had his bra wrapped up in the pink Camp Shoni tee shirt. If by some accident his mom looked in the backpack he would say that his girl friend at Camp Shoni had given him her shirt. Lorin took his leave of the shop and headed back to the bus terminal.
As the bus pulled into the terminal in his home town, Lorin could see his mom, dad and Stephanie waiting for him. They had big smiles on their faces. They were excited to see him. Though Lorin had been crying off and on during the trip back from Poughkeepsie, he nonetheless was going to have to completely stop it now. He would give no hint of crying and on top of that he would make every possible effort to act like Lorin again, even though if the truth be told he was not very sure he could remember how to be a boy. It seemed so terribly foreign to him. Even wearing Lorin's clothes for the trip back seemed distasteful. He missed terribly wearing a bra and felt a kind of strange physical nakedness from not having one on. For nearly eight weeks he had continuously worn a bra, night and day, only taking it off for showers and swimming. Of course he still had on panties even if they were only among the least pretty of the ones he owned.
The bus halted and Lorin stood up with the other disembarking passengers. He would force himself to be a boy at all costs. He gritted his teeth to give himself courage. He reminded himself that even if he could avoid raising suspicions, he would still have to deal with the almost insurmountable difficulty of switching back his clothing once he got to his room. To make it at all possible he planned to tell his mom that he had secret presents in his trunk so that he needed to go to his room to hide them before giving her his camp clothes. It was a bit lame as an excuse but he could think of no other way of getting the opportunity to hide all his girl clothes. Just like the lead up to going to Camp Shoni, he would have to take each minute as it came, and if his plan fell apart he would just have to suffer the consequences.
Lorin stepped out into the sun and ran to where his parents were standing and into the arms of his mother. She squeezed him forcefully and said, "my little angel, I've missed you so much!"
"I missed you too, mom and dad and Stephanie" Lorin said fighting back tears. His father came up to him and put his arms around Lorin who then allowed his dad to hug him. Even Stephanie was moved enough to come over and join in hugging her younger brother.
"You look so tan and grown up," Lorin's mom said.
Lorin smiled and said, "I can't wait for you all to tell me about China and Japan. It must have been incredible!"
"It was, it was," his dad said hesitatingly. In his excitement Lorin's voice had slipped somewhat into Lauren and he made some arm gestures the way Lauren would have. Lorin could tell that his father had noticed. He would have to focus much harder on being Lorin. To counteract whatever impression he had made that he was girl-like, Lorin said, "I can get the trunk" and forcefully tried to move it toward the car. It barely budged until Stephanie came over and helped him and then with the additional help of his dad they maneuvered it into the car.
Lorin felt like he had already betrayed Lauren. A few minutes back home and he was already trying hard to be a boy. Why should he have to lift the heavy trunk? He had the physique of a young girl and shouldn't be expected to be able to do that sort of thing. His natural impulse was to be the kind of girl who would need the help of someone stronger in such a situation, not a boy or an independent minded and self-sufficient girl like Marcie. Surely Marcie would understand the way he felt.
"I'm glad you got a nice haircut. You were driving me crazy before camp," his dad said.
Lorin smiled weakly. His trimmed hair felt unnatural and he craved the wonderful long hair he had had for most of the summer. Being and acting like Lorin was definitely going to be very hard. It was exhausting since Lorin found that at many points he had had to correct his natural impulse to be Lauren. Thus far he had probably done well enough to keep his parents from knowing the truth. For right now they believed that their son Lorin had come home from Camp Dan. In time it probably would get easier to act like Lorin, until he reached a point where he would have trouble being Lauren.
When they arrived back home, Lorin's mom said, "you can leave the trunk in the laundry room and I'll put everything in the washing machine."
"But mom," Lorin said, "I've got some Christmas presents for the family in my trunk that I have to wrap. I also got to do some laundry just before I left. So if we put the trunk in my room I can just take the dirty laundry downstairs."
"You're sure?" Lorin's mom said.
"Yeah, it'll only take me a few minutes!"
Though a bit surprised by the request, Lorin's parents had no objection to it and Lorin, Stephanie and his dad negotiated the trunk up to his room. As soon as he was alone, Lorin gazed around his room to see if anything had changed. To his great relief everything was exactly the way he had left it. It was definitely weird to be back in this place again.
He went into the bathroom to see if his boy clothes were hidden where he had left them there. He unscrewed the bolts holding the shower access panel and saw that it was crammed with his clothes. He quickly removed them forming a large pile on the floor of his bedroom. He divided them in two piles and began jumping up and down and stepping on the pile that happened to have most of his boys' underpants and his shorts and swim suits.
After he did this to his satisfaction, he opened the trunk and quickly moved all his girls' clothes into their hiding place in the bathroom. It was painful to see his bras and panties again and most especially the pretty dress that he had worn on that unforgettably beautiful evening at the cotillion. When every last vestige of her girl self was safely stowed away, he closed the panel again and stuffed the dirty pile of clothes into his laundry bag and then carried it down to his mother.
Lorin found his mom in the kitchen preparing dinner. He walked past her and put the laundry bag in the laundry room that opened up off the kitchen near the back door.
His mom said, "I'll get your laundry started while I cook dinner." She proceeded to dump the clothes on the floor so she could separate them into white and dark clothes. "So tell me more about camp," his mother said. Lorin was thinking of something to say when he noticed a strap poking out from within the laundry pile that was definitely the strap of one of his bras. It must have accidentally fallen into the pile of boy clothes while he was transferring clothes to the hiding place. His mother hadn't noticed it yet. "I can't believe how clean your clothes generally are. And it's amazing how little wear and tear there is."
Lorin watched as his mother worked her way down the pile of clothes oblivious to the strap. "I guess I'm older now and we don't play as rough any more," Lorin said. Short of shoving his mother aside or jumping on top of the clothes there was no way his mother would not see the bra in the next moment. This was not the sort of end to his summer that Lorin had anticipated and he racked his brain to think of a plausible explanation for his having a bra. The best he could do was to claim that his girl friend gave it to him, but why would she? It made no sense. Perhaps he could say that there was a foul up at the laundry and he had no idea whose bra it was. Maybe one of the women who worked in the dining room?
From the corner of his eye Lorin noticed that the food timer was running in the kitchen. He got up and ran to it and moved the dial so that the buzzer started going off. There had been 6 minutes left on the clock.
Lorin yelled to his mom, "the buzzer went off!"
"I can hear it plain as day, I'm coming." His mom came back into the kitchen. "Gosh the time flies, I could swear that the sauce had another five minutes."
Lorin smiled and sidled back into the laundry room, picked up the bra, balled it up and stuck it in his pocket just as his mom came back into the room. "As I was saying your clothes are in amazingly good shape."
She was talking to herself now and Lorin figured she wasn't expecting him to say anything more. He left the laundry and headed back upstairs to his room. While he was going up the stairs the phone rang in the downstairs study. Just as he got to the top of the stairs his father yelled, "Lorin! It's for you."
"OK, dad," he yelled.
"It's a girl, I think it might be Penny," Lorin's dad said.
Lorin went to get the phone amazed that Penny had called him so soon after he got back. She must be very anxious to pick up where they had left off, he figured, a thought that filled him with dread.
When Lorin got to the phone he held it for a few seconds thinking what he should say, and then said, "hi Penny!"
"Penny?" Lorin heard the voice on the other end say.
And then Lorin said in a low rasp, "ohmygod, Marcie! Is it really you?"
"Yes, and why did you think I was Penny?"
"My dad said he thought you sounded like Penny."
"Do I?"
"No, not at all."
"Look this will be brief. I just wanted to check in with you. Make sure that the lines of communication are open. How is it going so far?"
Lorin could hear his parents talking in the kitchen and said half laughing, "I left a bra in my laundry bag, I mean I came within one second of having to explain why I had a bra!"
Marcie laughed appreciatively on the other end of the line. "You must have some guardian angel looking over you."
"I know, it's hard to believe that I got away with the whole thing."
"Have you? Do you parents notice anything different about you?"
"I had a couple of slip ups. It doesn't yet feel natural to pretend I'm a boy. Anyway I don't think they suspect anything. Not yet anyway, at least I think they don't. You never know, it seems so hopelessly difficult to be a boy again."
"They haven't noticed your boobs?"
"I think it's the kind of thing that you have to be looking for before you'd notice it."
"I suppose you're right," Marcie said.
They talked for a few minutes more until Lorin could hear his dad coming and Marcie and he said their goodbyes. The next call between them would be from Lorin in a day or two, or sooner if he had a calamity to deal with.
"How's Penny?" Lorin's dad asked.
"It wasn't Penny, dad, it was a girl I met at camp."
"How did you meet a girl?"
"You know, the dances."
"I thought you couldn't go to the dances."
"Yeah, that was what they said, but after I got there, they announced that they would give our group the chance to go until someone or some group of us screwed up. But we never did. We all turned out to be little gentlemen." There was a lot of truth to what Lorin was saying, with the only lie being which side of the fence he was on.
"What's your friends' name?"
"Marcie."
"She live around here?"
"Oh no, she lives kind of far away. I hope I do get to see her though."
"So you went to the cotillion?"
"Oh, no. It was just the dances. It was a sudden decision because they saw how pissed off we were. But we didn't have suits for the cotillion."
His father seemed to accept the lie and Lorin headed back to his room again. In fact, Peter had told Lorin that a letter had been sent to the boys his age, before they left for camp, informing them that they would be given a chance to go to the dances.
Before he left the room his dad said, "it looks like they gave you the Camp Dan tee shirt."
"Oh, yeah. They apologized for the mix-up and gave me one."
"It's a little big for you isn't it?"
"It's the style dad. Kids like the bigger shirts." Within the loose folds of the front of the shirt Lorin could feel his small breasts slightly jiggle without his bra on. It seemed that his father had not noticed them at all. Lorin felt a sudden wave of depression come over him. He so wished he could put on the bra he had in his pocket. Somehow, someway he was going to have to get the courage to talk to his mom about wanting to be a girl. Every hour he was back to being Lorin it seemed like his hope of becoming Lauren again was a receding goal.
In a short while he'd reach a point where his mom and dad would probably not even believe that he had been a girl. In fact, every hour they saw him as a boy the less they would imagine that his desire to be a girl was legitimate. But maybe he could just show his breasts and that would be enough of a proof. One thing was as clear as it had been at camp: as hard and depressing as it was to pretend to be Lorin, that was an easier path to follow than to deal with telling his mom and dad that he wanted to be Lauren. Even with the encouraging words of Samantha it was still easier to avoid having to tell his parents the truth.
At dinner that night Lorin's dad told his mom and sister about Marcie and about how close they had become. "But what about Penny?" Lorin's mom said, "you're sure to hurt her feelings unless you see her again."
"I know, mom, I feel bad about it, but I didn't plan to meet another girl."
"Did she write you during the summer?"
"Yeah, we exchanged some letters. Then I sort of got to know Marcie, and..."
"And what?"
"I guess I didn't answer her last letter. I hope she's not angry with me."
"It's not like you to be rude like that."
"I know, I feel badly. I'll call her soon."
"Summer love," Lorin's dad said and Lorin's mom cut him off saying, "don't make fun. Penny is such a sweet girl."
His parents then asked him a million questions about the dances and about the girls. His parents also asked him about Owen and everything else about the camp.
"I had a blast," Lorin summed up the summer.
"It would be nice to meet Marcie one day," Lorin's mom said. "She seems like such a nice girl."
Lorin suddenly choked up as if he were going to cry. After a minute he said, "I'm sorry. I miss Marcie terribly."
His parents consoled him telling Lorin that they understood about such things. Hopefully, Lorin will get to see her again next summer.
"Yeah, I suppose so," Lorin said.
Of course, before Lorin left for camp he had been choked up about Penny. So it was clear that time and distance could have a big effect on changing how he felt about Marcie. The truth was that he had to consciously avoid thinking about Penny because he had loved her and he probably still did. If he let himself he could feel heartache about his loss of Penny. To be Lorin again and be with Penny was a future that Lorin figured would be one that he could love, but as nice as it was, if it meant that he had to be Lorin then it could never be as nice as a future where he was Lauren. He knew this truth deep in his heart. It was hard enough pretending to be Lorin for his parents' sake, but to also do it for Penny was even harder because with one's friends one had the chance to be open and honest and say things one would never say to one's parents. Only Marcie and the girls at Camp Shoni could be trusted with his confidences. Maybe over time Lorin could one day confide in Penny that he was really a girl, but it would be amazing to find that Penny could be happy with that. She really seemed like the kind of girl who appreciated men - not cavemen, but men nonetheless.
While Lorin continued his conversation with his mom and dad, he saw Stephanie glance at his chest. She had a puzzled look on her face and Lorin nonchalantly looked down to see where Stephanie might be looking. He expected to see some food that had fallen on his T shirt. Instead Lorin noticed that one of his nipples was somewhat prominently poking out the cotton of the shirt. It was his slumped posture in the chair that had created the view and he immediately sat back up and leaned forward. The new found bulge of his breasts made his nipples much more prominent than they would normally have been. It was a fact he would have to remember.
He slyly stole a glance at Stephanie to see if she might be suspicious but apparently she hadn't processed the information in such a way as to think that Lorin might have breasts. At least he hoped so.
After dinner Lorin went online and found that several of the bunnies had already emailed him about plans the girls had to have a weekly chat session so that they could keep in touch during the school year. Seeing their email raised his spirits since it meant that there was some hope of keeping Lauren alive for the weeks and months ahead; no matter how much he was forced into the role of Lorin.
Lorin went to bed that night wearing a bra and panties. He continued to take his birth control pills and decided that he would continue to do so no matter what the risks were of being caught. It was a matter of keeping his sanity he figured. Even though his external image had returned more or less to Lorin, he would keep alive some of the essential aspects of Lauren as best he could.
After turning on the reading lamp next to his bed, Lorin retrieved his Barbie diary from where he had hid it among his things during the summer. He read the entries that he had put in before. Most of them were about his plan to find clothes and his hopes for the future. Now, he had had that future and the question was what would be the next part of his future.
He snuggled into bed and wrote:
|
Lorin fell asleep thinking about the enormous journey he had traveled this one day. From a farewell breakfast with the bunnies all the way through his transformation in Poughkeepsie back to where he had started at the beginning of the summer.
Chapter 21
The next day Lorin took it easy. He stayed in bed until almost noon. Lethargy had descended over him and he had a hard time trying to think of something he ought to do. Calling Penny and Kenny was probably something he needed to get out of the way so they wouldn't be hurt by his neglecting them any more than he had already. Thus early in the afternoon he called Kenny.
Kenny was home and seemed genuinely glad to hear from Lorin. As it turned out Kenny had made a connection with Laura, one of the girls who was a friend of Penny, so he had had quite a romantic summer spending most of it hanging out with her.
"I wrote you a few letters," Kenny said, "but you never responded."
"I'm sorry," Lorin said. "There was a mix-up and the mail came to the wrong camp and then it was just a couple of weeks ago that I got the mail and I figured there was no point in sending a letter."
Kenny seemed to buy the explanation. "So what are you doing tomorrow?" Kenny asked.
"Nothing much," Lorin said.
"Why don't you come by and we'll go to the pool at the golf course."
"Oh sure," Lorin said and then as soon as he said it he remembered that swimming was one thing he could not do lest Kenny and everyone else at the pool see his naked breasts.
"Actually, I can't go swimming. I've got some sort of rash thing."
"That's a bummer," Kenny said, sounding dejected.
"But I can go to the pool as long as I don't go in the water or take my shirt off. No sunlight is part of the cure." Lorin felt stupid for making up such lies. If he just could wear one of Lauren's bathing suits then he wouldn't have to do that.
Once he was off the phone with Kenny, Lorin contemplated if he had enough nerve to call Penny. She was the one person he was most afraid of since there was no direction he could go with her that did not lead to pain. If he allowed himself to rekindle the wonderful time he had had with her in the weeks leading up to camp, then he would have no chance of staying as Lauren. But to stay as Lauren was to reject Penny and make her feel bad. On the other hand, if he was honest with himself he knew that he really did not have a chance of returning to being Lauren. Thus, the only reasonable course of action for him was to see Penny again, and to do that he had to live with a certain amount of guilt. But if he didn't call her than he would also feel guilty. And what would happen when he saw her at school in a couple of weeks?
He had to call Penny. There couldn't be any harm in a phone call and agreeing to see her again and then maybe she would sense that something was different and then maybe it would be over between them. On the other hand, the moment he was alone with her again it was possible that Lorin would fall back in love with her. Bracing himself emotionally he dialed the number and waited listening to the rings. On the fourth one Penny's dad answered the phone.
"Lorin? Is that you?" Penny's dad said in a voice that conveyed great surprise.
Lorin assured him that it was he. After exchanging some pleasantries about their summers, Lorin could hear her dad calling for Penny. A minute later Penny was on the line.
"Hi Lorin," Penny said. Her voice was kind of matter of fact and not like the way Lorin had imagined she would sound.
"Hi Penny!" Lorin said suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. "I just got back from camp, well actually yesterday."
"That's nice," Penny said.
"How was your summer?" Lorin said. There was clearly something wrong here.
"It was pretty good I guess."
Lorin waited for her to ask him about his summer, but she didn't say anything. "Is there something the matter?" Lorin asked. "I know I didn't write as much as I wanted. It's hard to get a moment to myself at camp."
"Did you read my letters?" Penny said.
"Sure," Lorin lied.
"You must be lying to me Lorin. That's not very nice."
"What do you mean?" Lorin said wondering what had been in her letters that she expected that he would know about.
"I'm seeing someone now. A guy. I wrote you about him. Well, that was after you never wrote for a few weeks and then I felt hurt. When you consider what we had before. It was not what I expected. Anyway, he's really nice and I don't think it's a good idea to see you again."
Lorin felt stung with the reality of her rejection. He had been so preoccupied with his fear of rejecting her, that he had never seriously believed that she would drop him as a boy friend. "The thing is I never did get your letters, but I did write you after awhile."
"Your letters were sort of cold I thought."
Penny was right. Lorin had been so preoccupied with being Lauren that he did not put much effort into the letters he wrote to Penny. "It's not because of anything to do with you. I mean I did love you and still do, but I couldn't write good letters because I was dealing with other things."
"What other things?"
"I can't say right now. In time I will, but not now. I feel awful and I'm so sorry, but I'm also happy that you met someone else that you like." The last remark seemed like the right thing to say even though Lorin did not really feel that way. Even though Penny breaking off their relationship gave Lorin a clear path toward staying like Lauren, it still hurt.
"You sound like you're in the FBI or something, Lorin. But, whatever." There was a long pause and finally Penny said, "I've got to go now. I'll probably see you back in school."
"Oh, yeah," Lorin said. Penny was being abrupt. She obviously did not see the point of talking more. "Well goodbye then."
"Bye."
Lorin felt alone and saddened by how firmly Penny had closed the door to their friendship. If by some miracle he could go to school as Lauren then maybe Penny would be willing to be his girl friend. He would be like Janice or Laura or Marilyn or any of the other girls who ate with her at lunch. Lorin daydreamed about how nice it would be. Just one of the girls at school. How perfect.
With the rest of the afternoon to himself Lorin decided that he would pay a visit to Beth so as to thank her for all she had done for him. Rather than call he decided he would surprise her. He could use the walk anyway, whether she was home or not. To say the least Lorin felt uncomfortable walking as Lorin. It was unpleasant enough having to wear boy clothes without the added annoyance of having to walk like a boy would. At camp he had assumed a girl's gait and body movements and his hands had developed a natural and fluid like grace that only girls had. Now Lorin found himself having to play a part he had gladly gotten rid of during the summer.
How can this go on? he wondered. How can I get up each day to be a boy when I don't want to be one?
At Beth's apartment building Lorin rang the bell for her apartment and was pleasantly surprised to find her home. Unlike Penny, Beth was totally excited to see Lorin and ushered him into her apartment. "You look so good! You've got to tell me everything. Absolutely everything!"
"I'm so happy to see you," Lorin said with eyes filling up with tears. He realized that Beth was the one person he could see on any regular basis who knew everything about him. "There is no way I can thank you. I never could have become Lauren without you."
"It was a ridiculous scheme that you concocted, but I'm happy to see that you survived the summer. So you never got found out?"
Lorin then told her the whole story from avoiding a haircut before leaving until getting a haircut on his way back. "I'm really curious about how you looked during the summer. Your hair and how you dressed. Do you have any pictures?"
"No. There was just a group picture at the cotillion. I think it'll be in the camp catalog for next summer. I'll show it to you when I get it."
"I also wonder how you felt with that boy, what was his name, Peter? Was that difficult for you or unnatural?"
"No. I became really fond of him. We did a bunch of smooching I guess you could say. I enjoyed it. He's fun and thoughtful and I think he's handsome. Well now that I'm back like Lorin it would definitely not work out. But as Lauren it was nice."
"It sounds like that girl Marcie saved your neck," Beth said.
"She's my absolute best friend from the summer, though Joan and Thalia were also very close. Marcie helped me become a girl." Lorin thrust out his chest a bit.
"What do you mean?" Beth said.
"She gave me some birth control pills. I've been taking them and I've developed a little. I can now fit in the bras I bought at Jensen's."
"This doesn't sound too good to me. Taking medicine like that could be dangerous. I'm not sure you should be playing around with your body like that. Let me see," Beth said.
Lorin lifted his shirt revealing his small breasts and Beth shook her head and frowned.
"I don't feel bad, I don't think they are harmful," Lorin said. "Girls take them without being hurt, don't they?"
"You really need to get under medical supervision if you're going to take a lot of estrogen like that. You probably don't want to hear this from me, but I think you either talk to your mom, or stop taking the pills. One or the other."
"I agree with you, but the reality is that I can't tell my mom I'm a girl. It's too hard. I just can't do it."
"So, Lorin, I don't understand. You've gotten boobs from the pills and you're just sort of hanging out as a boy now? Surely you can't keep something like that a secret. You're mom will eventually see your boobs."
"I haven't been able to deal with letting them just go away. The thought of that is awful. I've already given up so much coming home as a boy."
"Lorin, you're not being realistic. You either are a boy or you aren't a boy. You can't exist in this kind of middle state. Say your parents or a friend see your boobs? Like at school or in gym class?"
"So you think I should stop taking the pills?" Lorin found himself fighting depression.
"I guess so, yes. The alternative is to come out of the closet so to speak. Have the big conversation with your parents. Maybe they'll understand and help you."
"That's what Samantha said to me, the hairdresser woman in Poughkeepsie"
"She's right."
"I know I'm too scared to talk to my parents."
"Well you have to decide which is worse. Talking to them and suffering whatever, or else not talking to them and suffering from having to be a boy. I'd love to somehow help you in this, but you know that this is something I can't be a part of."
"I know that and I really do appreciate your wisdom." Lorin and Beth hugged and then she made him some hot chocolate.
That evening Peter called. Lorin's mother answered the phone and when Peter asked her to speak to Lauren, she said, "OK, I'll go get him."
She called up to Lorin, "Peter is on the line."
Lorin answered the phone saying, "Peter! Is that you!"
"Yeah, it's so good to hear your voice," Peter said.
"It's so great you called," Lorin said.
"What's with your mom saying "I'll go get him"," Peter said, "that was weird."
"She said what?" Lorin feigned surprise.
"I'll go get him, him!"
"She's used to getting calls for my dad. He gets a lot of calls." Lorin decided he had better change the subject as fast as possible and said, "I wish I could be with you right this minute."
"I felt so bad after the cotillion and I've been missing you terribly," Peter said.
"Me too, Peter. That night was something I'll always treasure."
Despite the hopelessness of their situation, they both felt it was nice to make the connection. To relive any little bit of what they had shared that wonderful night was better than not sharing it. After fifteen minutes they said their goodbyes with an agreement to talk at least once a week and more often online.
"Do you think anything has changed about Lorin?" Lorin's mom said to his dad. They were in their bedroom with the door shut.
"Funny you should ask," his dad said. "There have been a few times since he's been back that I could swear he was acting like a girl. It was fleeting, some gestures a lilt to his voice. I did a double take."
"That's sort of like what I've been feeling. He seems a bit less boyish to me, not that he isn't a boy. Perhaps some of the boys at camp were picking on him or something. Or maybe he hung out with some boy that he sort of picked up his mannerisms?"
"It's very hard to put one's finger on it. Just like before the summer there were oddball things that had happened that gave us the impression that Lorin was a bit off."
"Last spring he was so infatuated with Penny, and now he says that she met a new guy over the summer. He doesn't seem to be down about it."
"But he got this girl friend Marcie himself. Kids are unbelievable. One moment Penny is the love of his live and next it's 'who cares'." They both laughed.
"And now he made a new chum Peter but what about Owen that he had been friends with for so long? Not a word about him?"
"He's your son," Lorin's dad said.
"Maybe you need to take him on a father and son camping trip," Lorin's mom said.
"That's a great idea. It'll give him a chance to tell me what he's really thinking about."
"Maybe next weekend or the weekend after?"
Lorin had been home almost two weeks now. His memories of the cotillion and being a bunny were still fresh in his mind, but he could tell they were starting to fade. Day after day being Lorin was taking its toll on him and he knew that he was slowly reacquiring the mannerisms of Lorin. Every loose shirt he had he had worn over and over again and he had become continuously self-conscious about his chest. In one way or another he was hiding it and diminishing it and otherwise keeping his one big secret.
One Thursday afternoon after spending some time with Kenny, Lorin had come home at about 2 O'clock. His mom was in the kitchen and his dad had not yet come home from work. Lorin yelled out a greeting to his mom who said, "there's a large envelope that came to you from camp." Puzzled by what that could be Lorin went to see the mail that was lying on the dining room table. His mom came out of the kitchen to join him. She said, "see that big envelope. It's stiff like it's got a photograph inside it."
Lorin felt a cold nausea come over himself and he picked up the envelope and saw that the return address in large letters was Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. His mom stood next to him looking down at the envelope. "That's strange, Lorin, it says Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad, the girls camp, and it's addressed to Lauren Baxter? How funny, the envelope is addressed to Lauren Baxter!"
"Huh?" Lorin said trying to act dumb.
"Why does it say L-A-U-R-E-N and not L-O-R-I-N and why would the girls' camp send you something?"
"I bet it's just the cotillion photo. They had a photographer take pictures of the girls. I guess they just send it to the boys also."
"You said you weren't at the cotillion."
"Yeah, it does seem kind of weird. I guess they just send it to all the boys in the upper camp."
"You're probably right, but gosh the dodo that spelled your name wrong!"
Lorin laughed, "probably just that not too many people are familiar with Lorin."
"Sure, I bet that's it," Lorin's mom said. "Let's take a look at the photo."
Lorin felt better able to breathe again. Man, was this a close call he thought. He opened the envelope and saw that there was a large full color picture of the entire group of girls who had gone to the Cotillion. His eyes searched out himself off to the left side of the middle sitting in between Joan and Eileen. The photographer had caught Lorin's image beautifully. He looked as pretty as he had felt that day, wearing his special dress and feeling the love and support of the girls in his cabin. Lorin forced himself to say, "totally weird why they think the boys want this!"
"How beautiful the girls look!" Lorin's mother said. Lorin was holding the photo and made a motion as if to put the photo back in the envelope. His mother took the photo from him and said, "tell me which of the girls you got to know."
Lorin looked over the photograph not knowing what to do. He pointed to a girl on the opposite side of the picture from himself and said, "that's Ann over there." The truth was he did not know that girl's name. His mother did not seem to be following his finger and Lorin glanced at her face. She seemed very tense and he had the strange sensation that all the blood was leaving her face and she was getting quite pale. In a scary, faint and stilted voice his mom said, "who...is...this...girl?" She was pointing directly at the image of Lorin, who was smiling and pretty in his gown.
Lorin's mom turned to look into his face. Just one glance and he knew that his mom knew the truth. A tear fell out of Lorin's right eye and crossed his cheek, and then another and then a tear from his left eye. His mom sat down in a chair, stunned with the wind knocked out of her. "I don't understand. I don't understand." His mother began crying softly and her head hung down and then rested on the table. She put her hands over her head and sobbed. A heart wrenching and miserable grief overtook Lorin and he walked away and sat on the sofa in the next room. The world he had known had just ended.
Lorin heard his mother say, "Lorin, for God's sake tell me why you're at Camp Shoni and dressed like a girl?"
Lorin got up and walked back to the table to stand next to her. With great effort between sobs that suddenly overwhelmed him, Lorin said, "Because I went to Camp Shoni this summer."
"What!?" Lorin's mother screamed in a kind of whiny voice. "As a camper? What are you saying?"
"I switched the camp on the application form and went to Camp Shoni." After a pause, he added, "As a girl."
If it were possible for Lorin's mother's face to get even more distraught than it had been before, Lorin watched as she screwed up her face in an insane look. "I just thought that you had been made a fool of by the girls..."
Lorin realized his blunder. He had said too much - way too much! From perhaps being able to laugh away the whole episode as a sick joke by the girls of Camp Shoni, Lorin was now fully caught in his deceit. His mother resumed crying. It was awful seeing one's own mom cry and Lorin now lay down on the sofa and curled up into a fetal position and cried himself.
Lorin heard his mother get up and pick up the telephone. She dialed a number and a minute later he heard her say, "hello?", "yeah it's me," "no, everything is not all right," "it's Lorin, you've got to come home and talk to him," "he didn't go to Camp Dan!" "yeah, we're waiting." She hung up the phone and announced to Lorin, "your dad will be here in a few minutes."
Lorin looked up at her and she walked away from him. About ten minutes went by and somewhere in the distance Lorin heard the front door open and then close and in a second his dad was standing in the hallway.
"What do you mean Lorin didn't go to Camp Dan?" Lorin's father said.
Lorin's mom got up, picked up the photo and walked over to where Lorin was. "Show your dad and tell him what you told me."
"What's going on. Lorin?"
"I went to Camp Shoni this summer and not Camp Dan."
"Show him the picture!"
Lorin reluctantly held up the picture pointing to himself.
"Lorin? In a dress? What the f..."
Lorin's mom had regained her composure enough to say in the same awful scolding voice she had been using, "your son has been masquerading as a girl this summer at Camp Shoni. We thought we were sending him off to Camp Dan, but he switched the application so he was admitted to Camp Shoni and there he stayed all summer as a boy pretending he was a girl."
"Holy shit!" Lorin's dad exclaimed, "Why in the world did you do that?" Lorin's dad was clearly in a state of disbelief and the words had not yet fully registered.
"How could you?" Lorin's mom rephrased the question.
"Was it to spy on the girls?" Lorin's dad said groping to understand.
"Ohmygod! How perverse!" Lorin's mom exclaimed.
"That's not the reason!" Lorin wailed.
Lorin's father said, "if this is all true..." and the thought petered out. Then he said, "and I always wondered why the camp bill was for Lauren! How a child, our child, could so deceive us. So lie to us. Do something so perverse..."
"You don't understand, dad," Lorin said desperately.
"Yes, we don't understand how you could so truly lie and dupe us."
"I didn't want to lie..."
Lorin's dad cut him off sharply and said, "go to your room. Don't come out until we call for you."
"But dad, you're not letting me explain!"
"What can you possibly say?"
"I'm a girl, dad!"
His dad turned toward him threateningly and said, "Girl my ass! Get up to your room and stay there!"
Lorin headed to the stairway carrying the photograph and went up to his room and shut the door behind himself. He lay down on the bed and took out the photo to get a good look at it. The photographer had done a perfect job. The girls were almost uniformly smiling. Sandwiched between Joan and Eileen on either side and Marcie and Thalia behind him Lauren's pretty smile was matched by that of the other girls. In particular, Marcie had an almost motherly and watchful smile of love for Lauren as she stood directly behind him.
The scrumptiousness of Lorin's skirts and crinolines as they cascaded up in her lap and over slightly onto Joan and Eileen were captured perfectly. Lorin's pretty legs were held together tightly at a slight angle. A bit of lace edging on Joan's slip was visible.
In just about three weeks Lorin had gone from the happiness of this picture to the dismal misery of this afternoon. His parents seem to not have noticed how happy Lorin was in the picture. What parent would not want their child to be that happy?
Lorin could hear his parents talking loudly downstairs. Suddenly he smiled and then started to cry again, but it was crying of a very different nature than he had been crying before. He was crying with happiness because a huge burden had finally been taken off his back after so many months. He no longer had to live with a secret. Yes, his parents might kill his hope of being Lauren, but that would be a different set of misery to deal with than the endless agonizing anxiety and fear that he had felt for almost eight months. Now, he could at least make an attempt at being Lauren. If he were to wear a bra his parents might make him take it off, but at least he would have more than just the night time to wear one.
The afternoon wore on and eventually the sun set and then it was dark outside. During all this time Lorin occasionally heard the sound of his parents talking. At one point he heard Stephanie come in and then there was a whole bunch of talking and then quiet. Lorin smelled food being cooked at one point but nobody came to tell him that dinner was ready.
Eventually it was late and the house was dark and quiet. Lorin was starving but no one came to tell him that he could eat. He went to his computer to see if any of the girls were on line, but there was no wireless service. Clearly his parents had shut down the system. Lorin curled up in his bed in a fetal position and put his thumb in his mouth and tried not think of his hunger.
Eventually, after crying for what seemed like hours he drifted off to sleep.
The next morning Lorin was woken up early by the sound of his parents moving around. He was ravenously hungry, almost to the point of leaving his room to beg for food. Not much later he heard his father's loud footsteps ascending the stairs. His father opened the door to his room without knocking and said, "go down downstairs and get some breakfast."
"Dad, I'm sorry," Lorin said and began to cry.
His dad ignored him and Lorin went downstairs to the kitchen and made himself some cereal. His mother came and went without talking to him. When he was done eating he put his dishes in the sink and went back to his room.
A few minutes later, his mom entered the room and asked, "Where are your clothes? Where is that dress in the photo?"
"Hidden," Lorin said. "I'm sorry mom. You don't understand." He sounded like he was going to become hysterical.
"Where are they hidden?" she said.
Lorin opened up the panel and pointed to the opening. "I am so ashamed of you," his mom said. "Put them on the bed."
Lorin did as she said, carrying a number of small piles of bras, panties and slips to the bed followed by tops and pants and finally his beautiful dress. His mother shook her head in disgust. "All this stuff will go in the trash."
"Can't I keep my dress?" Lorin said. Tears started flowing in earnest once again as he contemplated what his life would now be without even one bra and no panties and his perfect dress lost to him.
Lorin's father entered the room and said to his mother, "Dr. Helmsley can squeeze us in now." To Lorin he said, "Get dressed and come downstairs."
Lorin's parents left the room and Lorin got dressed silently and joined his mom and dad downstairs. He followed them to the car where his dad told him to get in the back seat. Then Lorin's mom and dad got in and they took off.
"Dr. Helmsley's going to check you out and recommend a therapist or private school or whatever they do with kids with behavioral abnormalities."
"But, dad..."
"Quiet!" he barked and Lorin sat quietly. Dr. Helmsley had been Lorin's doctor since birth. In a few minutes they arrived at the office and a few minutes later Lorin was alone with the doctor.
"So Lorin," Dr. Helmsley said, "you've got your parents very upset. They say that you spent the summer sneaking into a girls' camp?"
Lorin nodded his head. He felt scared and embarrassed.
"Lorin, I've known you since you were a few days old. I'm not going to bite you."
Lorin nodded his head up and down showing that he understood. "But why sneak into a girls' camp?"
Lorin started to cry. "OK, we'll get to that later. First I want to check you out a bit."
The doctor checked his ears and mouth and examined his eyes. "You can take off your shirt," Dr. Helmsley said.
"I don't think I should," Lorin said.
"What are you hiding?" the doctor said. He took the shirt by the shoulders and lifted it up over Lorin's head thereby exposing his small breasts.
"You've got breasts?" Dr. Helmsley said incredulously.
The doctor handed a Kleenex to Lorin who blew his nose and wiped his eyes free of tears. Dr. Helmsley finally said, "You're parents have got to see this."
He left the examining room and in a minute Lorin heard a commotion with his parents rushing into the room followed by the doctor. "As you see," Dr. Helmsley said, "Lorin has breasts. His chest looks like that of a young girl just shortly into pubescence."
Lorin watched as his mom and dad stared at him. "He didn't have breasts when he left for camp! How could he have gotten them?"
Dr. Helmsley said, "he's been home for two weeks and you never noticed he had breasts?"
Lorin's parents looked at each other and finally his mother said, "he's been wearing only large shirts. I guess it's something we weren't looking for."
"I suppose that makes sense," Dr. Helmsley said and then continued, "he hasn't gone through puberty yet as a boy, for example his penis hasn't developed. Unless he somehow magically started producing estrogen, which I'm sure is medically impossible, it would mean that he's taking estrogen pills like any transgendered man might do. A man can grow breasts somewhat smaller than their mother's, but noticeable."
"Have you been taking pills?" Lorin's dad asked in a growling voice.
"Can I have a word with you alone?" Dr. Helmsley said to Lorin's parents.
They sent Lorin back to the waiting room and the doctor ushered his parents into his office.
"I fully encourage you to visit a specialist in gender identity but from what I can see Lorin really does view himself as being a girl. His need to have breasts is probably an indelible part of his makeup. I doubt he would have taken all the immense risks he did to go to a girls' camp if it wasn't because the alternative, of being a boy in a boy's camp, is ultimately unbearable for him.
"But Dr. Helmsley..."
"Please let me finish. You have two choices ahead of you. To fulfill his desire or not to fulfill his desire. If you choose not to, then you have to understand that this condition of his is sort of like a cork in the ocean. You can push it down to any depth you want, but inevitably, inexorably it rises to the surface again. The bottom line is that my guess is that you'll never win and the proof is in how far he's gone on his own already. Imagine the courage and tenacity it took him to perform such a feat of deception and then to end up having breasts as well?"
"God made him a boy," Lorin's mother said.
"God also made him a boy who sees himself as a girl," Dr. Helmsley said. "If you really want to pursue this based on a religious doctrine, then I don't know why you brought him here."
Lorin's mother looked hurt and Dr. Helmsley said, "I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I can understand your grief, but the way forward now I think has to be done in a way that takes into account whatever the truths are about Lorin's make up, not what you may want those truths to be. I realize that a parent can easily feel that their children are too young to know what's best for them. That is true for a lot of things, but I do not believe that gender identity is one of them. But you do not have to take my word for it. I encourage you to take him to an expert in child psychology and development, in fact I will give you a couple of names."
"If he was your son, Dr. Helmsley, what would you do?" Lorin's dad said.
"One of my sons is gay, did you know that?" Dr. Helmsley said. "I love him as much as my straight son."
"But when you found out?"
"It was a blow, but I like to think that I made the right decision about accepting him for who he is. The alternative would have been a kind of insanity with so much unhappiness. You see, even if you managed to make Lorin grow up as a boy, he'll be a miserable boy and you'll be planting the seeds for all kinds of unhappiness later on. What is the common expression - you have to pick your fights carefully - the ones you can win. You can win the heart and love of your child or you can think you've won but have lost both his heart and mind. Getting back to what I was saying before. Lorin most likely has a very treatable condition, only the treatment is to let him be who he is and welcome him into your family as a daughter."
Lorin's parents sat with their heads hanging down. His mom dabbed at tears in her eyes. Finally Dr. Helmsley said, "I'm giving you the name of a wonderful expert in the psychology of this condition. Go and make an appointment and you'll have made the first important step in the right direction."
On the way home in the car, Lorin's mom said, "Now I see why your clothes are so unused and barely dirty." She was talking to no one in particular.
"So what do you want for your future?" Lorin's dad said. "You want to be a girl?"
Lorin starting crying and said, "I do dad! I really really do!"
When they got home Stephanie was there. "Where have you all gone?" she asked. "You all look like you've been through a war."
When no one said anything, Stephanie said, "Tell me what's up."
"We went to Dr. Helmsley," Lorin's dad said woodenly, then, turning to Lorin, "Go back to your room."
Lorin quietly left to do what he said.
When he was gone Stephanie said, "What did he say about Lorin?"
"According to the doctor we do not really have much choice as to what we can do, that is, as long as we want to do the right thing."
"You're going to let him be a girl?" Stephanie said.
"I haven't said that," Lorin's dad said. "We're going to enter a process here that is hopefully best for the family. Dr. Helmsley painted a pretty stark picture if we don't take into account Lorin's true nature."
"So he does have boobs!" Stephanie suddenly said. "I could swear that I saw them at dinner the first night he was back."
"Yes, Dr. Helmsley says he's been taking estrogen pills."
"What's going to happen at school? It'll be crazy if he shows up as a girl."
"Dr. Helmsley advises enrolling him across town at Bryant Junior High, so he might get a fresh start where no one knows him."
Stephanie said, "I don't see how Lorin will ever really look like a girl."
Lorin's mom got the cotillion picture from Lorin's room and showed it to Stephanie and she exclaimed, "Can that really be Lorin? He's like a Shirley Temple or a fairy princess."
After dinner and late into the night Lorin's mom and dad had a long agonizing searching of souls. The next morning after breakfast Lorin's mom went up to Lorin's room and entered. She had the cotillion photo in her hand and she looked at it again. She couldn't recall ever seeing her son so happy. The photo seemed to have captured a moment of profound joy. His face and the girls around him radiated something special. A happiness that she supposed people only ever attained when they were young.
She looked at her son as he lay on the bed. He had always been an easy child. Trustworthy and affectionate and perhaps one could say that he had been easier to love than Stephanie. He had no hard edges, he had a gentler nature than his sister. Well, since he was the second born it could just be that she had been a better mother to him. It was hard to say what was innate and what was an adaptation. But Lorin had always been a boy to her. She had never thought of him in any other way. Her fantasy of his future had him being happily married with a couple of kids and an interesting career. How much space should a parent give a child to be themselves? So much space that maybe you have to change everything you ever thought you knew about them? If the Lorin in the photo were standing here right now would she love that person the same? She fought back a stray tear and Lorin came up to her and held her.
"I'm sorry mom for all the trouble I've caused."
His mother put her arms around him and held him tightly. She tried to imagine what sort of life Lorin would have as her daughter. Would one day she be attending Lorin's wedding with him in a white dress? And whom would he be marrying? A man or a woman? Would Lorin want surgery? Would he ever be a mother?
Finally, after the longest time, she said, "Your father sent me up here to talk to you, but what I have to say is from both of us." She looked at the emotions coursing through Lorin's face as he tried to guess what she was trying to say. Lorin's mother smiled suddenly and then, like a parent feels when they get to that stage of life when the joy of giving is so much more satisfying than the joy of receiving, she said, "Your father and I have decided to let you just dress whatever way you want and we won't stop you from being our daughter if that's what you want to be. Except,..."
Lorin screamed and hugged her as hard as he could. "Oh mom, I can't tell you how happy I am!"
"Except one thing, Lorin. We agree to this on the understanding that we will be sending you to a therapist who you have to work with seriously to make sure that you and we are doing the right thing. Understand?"
"Yes mom," Lorin said. As the consequences of his mom's statement worked its way through his mind, Lorin saw his world open up into a brilliantly sunny and hopeful future. "I have to call the girls from camp. They've all been so worried about me."
"They knew?" Lorin's mom asked incredulously.
"They only found out by accident the morning of the cotillion. They were initially upset but then they realized that I really was a girl even if I had one difference. Marcie and Thalia and Joan, my best friends, never felt bad about what I had done. They understood me and it was a real lifesaver."
Lorin's girl clothes were piled on his desk and his mother went through them touching and inspecting them. "It's so beyond my understanding. It's like science fiction. How you could acquire this and hide it. Where did you get it all?"
"I got some at Jensen's, like the dress and some of my, I mean the bras,"
"The day that Stephanie and I ran into you at Jensen's?"
Lorin nodded.
"And the weird phone call about the bras coming in?"
Lorin nodded some more.
"And did you steal clothes from Mrs. McGonagle?"
"I'm sorry. I felt so awful, but she was giving them away and I had so many things I had to buy!"
His mother held up the pink bunnies tee shirt. "So they sent you this shirt here?"
He nodded again.
"Let me see the cotillion dress."
Lorin took it out of the bag and held it up for his mom to see. "What a pretty dress," she said, "what a pretty dress."
When Lauren came down for dinner that night she dressed modestly wearing a tee shirt and jean shorts. Her bra was one of the unpadded ones and she had held off putting polish on her fingers and toes. She did wear her girl sandals and had combed her hair into the style she had had all summer - as best she could anyway. She saw her father take a quick look at her and then concentrate on his dinner. Stephanie was fascinated by Lauren's attire and took many opportunities to look at her. Lauren's mom seemed a bit distracted but not in a bad way. Lauren felt happy and enormously grateful to be there in this room at this table with these people. It was a start, a wonderful, wonderful start.
Epilogue
Please imagine the future for Lauren that you would like - surgery or no surgery, married or unmarried - with one proviso - that whatever this future is it is a happy one. Each of us who is transgendered has the need to find happiness no different than anyone else, but with the added burden of accommodating our innate and wonderful need to dress and perhaps even act like the opposite sex. If compassion ruled the world then it would not be a burden to be transgendered.
I should note that one special class of people in our society are very often compassionate - those who tend to gravitate toward teaching special needs students. One such teacher has had the special compassion and grace to be a loving wife to the author - allowing his female persona to exist in love and freedom. This novel is dedicated to her.
The above work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. If you would like to archive it elsewhere, please contact the author and ask permission first, unless noted otherwise in their story.