Martin Conners was walking on the beach one day when he came across an old oil lamp, just like something out of the Arabian Nights. Martin picked it up and shook the sand off of it. It looked very old and was quite tarnished. Martin carried it home with him and decided it would look nice on his shelf. He soaked the lamp in warm soapy water to get all the dirt off than he began to polish it. As soon as he rubbed the lamp, a plume of smoke shot out of the wick hole. Martin dropped the lamp in surprise and jumped back.
A man wearing Khaki pants, leather loafers and a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, appeared. He was wearing Oakley shades and had a nice tan.
"Greetings Oh Great One" he said. "You have freed me from the lamp and I must grant you one wish. What does your heart desire?"
Martin was sure this was a scam by one of his friends; he started looking for a video camera hidden in his apartment.
The man looked disgusted and said, "You're not looking for a camera are you? What is with you people, can't you trust your eyes? I just appeared out of a cloud of smoke and you immediately think it's some kind of a trick. Give me a break. Look, do you want your wish or not because I got people standing in line for my wishes, you know?"
Martin stopped looking and listened to the stranger, “you seem awfully impudent for a genie," Martin said.
“Number One, I am not a Genie. I am a wizard. My name is Fred. A rival wizard trapped me in this bottle. Actually I lost a bet on the Super Bowl last year and so I'm stuck in here for 3 more months. If someone finds the lamp and rubs it, and I know it’s corny, they get a wish. I don't have to be nice about it I just have to grant your wish, can we get on with it, I have a life also."
"How much of a life can you have living in the lamp", asked Martin.
"I don't live in the lamp, that's just what I have to say when I first come out, its part of the spell. I live in Burbank and I write screen plays for a living. Look I didn't ask you a lot of personal questions, I just asked you what your wish was, snap it up, let’s go okay?"
" Is there a limit to what I can wish for?"
"No, anything goes except I won't kill or help you kill anyone."
"Can you make someone fall in love with me?"
"Yes, I said anything goes, can we do this while I'm still young, please?"
"Okay, I just want to do this right, anything except killing someone huh? Okay here goes, I wish..."
"Wait, stop, I forgot to read the disclaimer", Fred said.
"Disclaimer?" asked Martin.
"Yeah, there was this lawsuit last month and part of the settlement was I would read this disclaimer before granting any future wishes. My lawyer drew it up. Here goes listen carefully:
"In consideration of your act of kindness in freeing Fred the Wizard from the lamp, you have been granted one wish. This wish may take any form except that which will or may cause death to another human being. You as the wishee are responsible for the wording of the wish. Any ambiguity in the phrasing of said wish may result in a less than satisfactory outcome of your wish. An attention to detail is cautioned as wishes may not be canceled, revoked, changed or modified in any way once the wish has been granted. Void where prohibited. Okay, got that?"
"What happened with the wish you granted that got you sued?" Martin inquired.
"A man wished to be rich beyond his wildest dreams." Fred explained, "I granted that wish and turned him into the richest person on earth. It's not my fault that person is a teenage girl. She got all upset about the sex change thing and hired a fancy attorney who sued me. The attorney found a few other people who were unhappy with the wishes I granted and the court ruled in the girl's favor."
"Wait a minute," Martin said, "a court of law actually heard a lawsuit about a wish?"
"Hey, this is California." Fred pointed out.
"So what else did the court award her?"
"Actually, nothing." Fred said, "I met the specifics of the wish as I always do, she just hadn't been specific enough. Of course, she really doesn't get control of the money until she turns 24. If she doesn't get happy with her new body by then, I may have to dodge some hit men."
"So if I don't make my wish specific enough, you aren't to blame, is that it?" asked Martin.
“I can't elaborate on the disclaimer, I can read it again if you want though." Fred offered.
"No, I think I got it, here is my wish, I want a completely new life. I want to be a woman, a young attractive woman with a normal female body, height 5' 7", weight 120, breasts 36c cups, brown hair blue eyes, pretty, not beautiful. I should be 24 years old with a college degree. I also want to be a good girl, not a prostitute. I want to be heterosexual and have the true, unconditional love of one man that I also love unconditionally. I want a full house of kids. I want to never have to worry about having food on the table, a roof over my head or clothes on my back. Can you do that?"
"Not a problem, are you ready?" asked Fred.
Martin nodded and everything went black. When Martin woke up he was in bed. He threw the covers off and jumped up. He was in a small plain room. Martin was wearing a long flannel gown that he quickly pulled off. He looked down at his new body: slim abdomen with wide hips, smooth curvy legs, and plain white panties with a flat crotch. Firm full breasts, just the right size. He looked for a mirror and found one in the small adjoining bathroom. She (for Martin was now a woman) had brown hair that just covered her ears, she had bright blue eyes and was truly a pretty woman. Martin was ecstatic. His wish had come true. He was a little puzzled by the simple room and the single bed. Maybe she would find the man she loved and be courted and then married. That would be perfect. Just then there was a knock on the door. Martin pulled her gown back on and opened the door. A nun in a full black habit was standing there.
"You must hurry Mary Kate, it is almost time. You must get dressed."
"My name is Mary Kate," she thought. "I must be getting married in a Catholic Church today, that is why I am here."
" Mary Kate" promised to hurry and closed the door. She opened the door to the closet and found not a wedding gown, as she hoped, but a nun’s habit. Then her "memory" kicked in. She was taking her final vows today to become a member of this order of nuns. It was a teaching order and she was a schoolteacher. As such, she would always have a "full house of kids". She had one "man" in her life, Jesus. As a nun she was "married" to Him. Her order took a vow of poverty so she would never worry about food or shelter or clothing, the church would provide everything. Sister Mary Kate had to admit; every condition of the wish had been met.
Fred finished the final drafts of his "Touched by an Angel" script. It was a heartwarming tale of a pretty girl who finds true happiness as a Catholic nun schoolteacher. Fred chuckled over the shock the young man who found his lamp must be suffering right now. The disclaimer hadn't spoiled Fred's fun at all. Now if he could just get that attorney to make a wish.
Authors' note: This is my 1st sequel. I got so many nice comment aout the first story, I decided to try it again. I'm not sure if this is a unique enough subject or deep enough, to justify its own universe. If any readers have an opinion on that, please write a review or send me an e-mail. Thanks to all the readers who have written any review for my stories or those of other author's. An honest review that points out problems in a story is just as welcome a one that praises.
James Lawson was depressed. He was a Hollywood movie producer. He used to be successful and sought after, not anymore. (He suspected the remake of "Ishtar" he put out two years ago was one reason.) He had just seen the dailies for his current film and they sucked. He hadn't had a successful project in two years. He was burned out, middle aged and alone. It was harder and harder to find willing women to come to his bed, without paying for them. Making movies wasn't fun anymore. He wanted a change in his life, but didn't know what.
James was walking down the street when he saw a flash of light and an old-fashioned brass lamp appeared. It looked just like Aladdin's magic lamp. The flash of light made James think he had walked into someone's "on location" set. He looked around for cameras and a crew but saw none.
Lots' of independent movie makers' were running around trying to duplicate the success of Tarrantino's "Pulp Fiction." (James had been offered that movie, but he passed on it. He had known Tarrantino when he was a video store clerk and figured it would be a bust. Who knew?)
Now-a-days, it was hard to walk anywhere and not see someone filming in the street. Many of them didn't have permits and were doing what some people called, `drive by filming'. Pick a corner, take a couple of shots and head for a new location. James stumbled onto a film crew in the street about twice a month.
James couldn't find anyone who looked like they were shooting a movie. He felt the lamp and discovered it was real brass, not a cheap prop. It also looked very old. James liked things like the lamp so he decided to take it home and clean it up.
James ran water over the lamp to remove the dirt and then began drying it off with a towel. A plume of smoke came out of the wick hole and suddenly a man was standing in James's living room.
The newcomer was dressed in a tuxedo. He had a plaid ribbon pinned to his lapel. James didn't know what a plaid ribbon represented support for, maybe everything? The man was about 40 with thinning hair and a good tan. He looked slightly upset.
"Thank you for freeing me from the lamp, oh great master!" The man said, "How may I reward your kindness?"
James began looking around his living room, lifting books and chair cushions.
The man in the tux sighed, "Don't tell me you’re looking for a camera because you think this is some kind of joke or some stupid TV show."
James shook his head, "I`m looking for my pistol. Who the hell are you and what do you want?"
"Don't pull a gun," the man said hastily, "I'm not a criminal, or a lawyer."
"Isn't that redundant?" said James.
"I'm a wizard," he continued, "My name is Fred. I'm required to grant you one wish for freeing me from the lamp. Now, if you don't mind, I was about to leave on a date. The limo will be to my place any minute and I need to get going. Can we get the wish out of the way so I can leave?"
"Didn't you just tell me that you live in the lamp?" James asked him, "Who do you date when you live in a lamp?"
"I don't really live in the lamp," Fred replied, "I just have to say that as part of the spell. I lost a bet to another wizard. For the next few months, anytime someone rubs the lamp, I get jerked away from whatever I was doing and have to go grant a wish. Actually, I write screenplays for a living. I happen to be dating a woman whose name you would recognize if I was crass enough to brag about my dates. She's a successful actress. But really, I do have a time problem here, can we hurry up?" Fred was tapping his foot on the floor.
"What bet did you lose?" James asked.
"The Super Bowl." Fred told him.
James snorted, "You took Atlanta? You deserved to lose."
Fred was losing his temper, he wasn't allowed to attack the wish maker, but he had ways of getting even.
James looked at Fred closely.
"Wait a minute. I know you!" James exclaimed, "You pitched a script to me several years ago. Wasn't it a remake of `Goodbye Charlie'? I remember passing on it. Do you remember that?"
Fred showed his teeth. He wasn't grinning. He remembered as soon as he popped into this guy's living room.
"I remember you read the outline and threw it down on the desk. You told me you might produce the film but you had to check on something first. Then you walked out on your balcony and looked up in the air. You walked back into the room and said; "Sorry Fred, pigs still can't fly. When they can, come see me again."
James laughed at his bad joke. "Well, I see so much bad writing come across my desk, I have to come up with new ways to reject it, you know?"
Fred nodded, "I guess you were fresh out of clever witticisms when that hack pitched you the remake of `Ishtar', huh? Didn't that movie cost less than the original but managed to lose more money?"
James stopped laughing. "What was it you said about getting one wish? I thought genies granted three wishes?"
"I'm not a genie," Fred said, "I`m a wizard. You get one wish; anything you want except it can't cause death to any human being."
"Why write for a living if you're a wizard?" James asked him, "why not use your power to make yourself rich?"
Fred shook his head, "It doesn't work that way. I can't use spells to affect myself. If I could, I'd have more hair." He said, pointing to his balding pate.
"So I can't wish you to turn into something else, like a writer with talent, huh?" James said with a snicker.
Fred didn't answer. He knew he would have the last laugh.
James looked thoughtful, "One wish," he thought, "anything he wanted. This definitely has possibilities."
"Okay," James finally said, "here is my wish . . . "
Fred held up his hand like a traffic cop. "Hold on, wait, I have to read the disclaimer."
"A disclaimer, for a wish?" James said.
"California courts," Fred explained, "what can you do? Now listen carefully, ahem . . ."
" In consideration of your act of kindness in freeing Fred the Wizard from the lamp, you have been granted one wish. This wish may take any form except that which will or may cause death to another human being. You as the wisher are responsible for the wording of the wish. Any ambiguity in the phrasing of said wish may result in a less than satisfactory outcome of your wish. An attention to detail is cautioned as wishes may not be canceled, revoked, changed or modified in any way once the wish has been granted. Void where prohibited. "
"Any questions?"
"So," James asked, "If I don't word the wish for exactly what I want, it's my fault, is that it?"
"I can't add anything to the disclaimer. I will reread it if you want, but no interpretations. You may wish to consult an attorney."
James figured it really was some joke by one of his friends. They set this up using special effects. He just didn't want to make a fool of himself by wishing for something they could blackmail him with like wishing for a 14-year-old girl or a bigger penis.
"Okay," James said, "I'm tired of being a producer. I want to be younger and a movie star. I don't have to be a big star but one that is actively making movies. I want to be single but I want a cute, blonde girl friend with a good body to keep me satisfied. Being a producer just doesn't get you as much sex as it used to, you know? Used to be, you promise a girl a part, she puts out, maybe she gets a part, maybe not, who cared? Now, they sue your butt off for that type thing. As a movie star, it would have to be easier getting girls, you know? Oh yeah! None of them girly boys."
Fred couldn't believe his luck. This insufferable prick had left him an opening he could drive a truck through. He almost started laughing out loud. He didn't though because James could stop the wish before Fred granted it. Once granted, it was forever. (See disclaimer.)
Fred didn't have to wave his arms, he just had to repeat certain words to himself and direct the spell toward James.
Everything went black for James. When he could see again, he was lying in bed. The morning sun was coming in through the French doors on the balcony. He was in a large bed covered with a flowered bedspread. He moved his head to the right and saw a woman laying there, her back to James. James could smell her perfume. He reached out to touch the shiny blonde hair lying on the pillow by his new girlfriend's head. It was soft and fine.
The girl must have felt the touch or James shift in bed because she rolled over and smiled at him. She was beautiful. He recognized her, but couldn't place her right off.
The young woman smiled and said, "Good morning sleepy head, I thought you were going to sleep the day away."
James smiled back, and reached out to the woman, beneath the covers, until he found her breast. He caressed it and felt the nipple rise up. The woman sighed and she too reached out to James and caressed his . . . breast!
James jumped as though shocked. SHE suddenly remembered who the girl was. She was an actress named Anne Heche, the Significant Other of . . .
Anne looked concerned, "Is something wrong, Ellen?"She asked.
Fred took his date home and they spent the night together. The next day, he dusted off the script for the remake of `Goodbye Charlie'. It was being released to video soon. Maybe the timing was right.
Copyright 1999, 2000 by Bashful
Author's note: I was reluctant to go see The Phantom Menace until the lines went down. I hate waiting in line. Then Someone Special asked me to take her on Memorial Day. I can't refuse her, so we went. We were the 5th and 6th people in line. We had a great time for about an hour talking to the two couples in front of us. I got to thinking, what must it be like at the far end of the line?
James Fogerty was a Star Wars fan. No, he was a fanatic. Ever since the original movie came out, he has lived, breathed, ate and slept Star Wars. At 32 years of age, he was one of the leading experts on Star Wars trivia. Through the lean days from 1983 through almost the entire 1990's he had waited for the next installment of the series to be made. He had gotten booster shots with the reissues and the special edition videos, but it wasn't really new. James had tried to expand his interests. Star Trek - TNG was promising but the special effects were lacking, compared to the wizardry of Lucasfilms and Industrial Light and Magic.
James loved Star Wars but he did have a life. He dated women, he had a regular job. He just didn't let these things get in the way of his true passion. He found that taking a date to a movie, any movie, was detrimental to enjoying that movie. They usually wanted him to explain something, go get them popcorn or a diet coke, hold their hands and other things that distracted him. If he took a girl to a movie, he made sure it was one he didn't care for so he didn't miss anything.
Now the drought had finally ended. He was in line for the first showing at midnight for the long awaited, Episode One: The Phantom Menace. He had been one of the first ones to buy a ticket for this showing. He didn't live in one of the cities where they had the earlier showings for charity or he would have gladly paid the $300.00 per ticket to attend. He had purchased tickets for the 4:00 am showing as well. The theater would be open all night showing the movie back to back.
He had timed his ticket purchases carefully. A good seat was paramount to the experience. This multiplex featured stadium seating, wide screens and state of the art sound systems. James knew the best seats were about 8 rows from the front and centered on the screen. Of course, everybody else knew this too. The theater boasted , "No Bad Seats!" but that was bull. There was a group of seats in front of the elevated section that was a terrible place to sit. You had to crane you neck, the sound was off center and blasted you deaf. You were so close, that you couldn't see the entire screen without moving your head. No one wanted to sit there.
James had everything planned out to the smallest detail. He would move straight through the lobby and into the theater to get the best possible seat. No popcorn or soda. They just distracted you. Once inside, he would be able to relax, enjoy the comfortable seat and maybe have a spirited discussion with some other fans.
He had intended to get to the theater about 9:00pm. He brought a cheap folding chair that he could sit in while waiting for the opening of the doors. Then he would just leave the chair outside. If it was there when he came out he'd pick it up. If not, fine, it was cheap. Everything was planned except the flat tires. He left the house even earlier than he had planned and was driving down the expressway, across town, to the best theater showing the movie. A long trip but worth it.
Halfway there, someone in the car ahead of him threw a bottle out of the window. James couldn't swerve fast enough to miss it. He wound up with two flat tires, 10 miles from the theater.
James was angry beyond words. He had to get to the theater now, but he had only one spare. He quickly called the auto club. They had someone out to his car in just over two hours. They brought a temporary tire that fit James's car. It was a loaner that he had to put up a deposit for. Finally, he was back on the road.
James arrived at the theater at 11:02pm. Twenty-eight minutes before the doors were to open. The line for the midnight showing stretched around the building and into the darkness. Disgusted, James left his folding chair in the car and trudged to the very end of the line, somewhere just west of Siberia.
Standing out there James couldn't even talk to the group in front of him, they were all Japanese and spoke no English. What they expected to get out of the movie was anyone's guess but James understood why they were here.
After standing there for ten minutes, lonely and mad. James was about to give up and just wait for the 4:00am showing. It would be a long 4 hours but he could at least get a good seat. He turned to go when he noticed a line reaching from around the other side of the building, ending about fifty feet behind him. He walked over, not concerned if someone took his place in line. Why would they?
He approached the last person in line. A guy dressed in a storm trooper outfit. James asked him what the line was for. The storm trooper said it was the 4:00am showing. James felt his world begin to crumble. Dejected and beaten he walked back to his own spot, scuffing his feet as he walked.
James kicked something that felt heavy and rang out when he hit it. He picked it up. It was an old brass oil lamp, just like the one in the Arabian Nights. He brushed the dirt off of it and a plume of smoke shot out of the wick hole. Suddenly a Jedi Knight was standing in front of James. Face covered with a hood and arms folded. Shocked, James said the first thing that came to mind.
"Obi Wan?"
The man shook his head and flipped the hood off.
"Thank you, oh Great Master for freeing me from the lamp. As a reward you may have one wish."
"Wow, this is great, it's a promotion for the movie, right? Great special effect man, it looked like you materialized right out of the smoke."
The man shook his head. He was in his early forties, slightly balding but slim. He had a good tan and was wearing Oakley shades. That was kind of out of character for a Jedi, James thought.
"I'm not a special effect. I'm a wizard. My name is Fred and I was in line at a theater waiting for the doors to open. Can we get the wish out of the way so I don't miss out on a good seat?"
"You don't talk like a wizard." James said.
"Oh yeah? Just how many wizards do you talk to in a given week? I'd like to grant your wish and go, please, snap it up. Do you want a wish or not?"
"You're serious, aren't you? You can really grant me a wish?"
"Yes, I can, but can we hurry?" Fred said, somewhat exasperated.
"Okay, good seat here I come. I wish..."
"Wait, dammit, wait, I forgot to read the disclaimer." Fred told him while he patted his robe looking for his wallet.
"Disclaimer," James said, "there's a disclaimer with my wish?"
"You're in California, you're lucky there isn't a disclaimer over the urinals" Fred replied as he pulled a worn piece of paper from his wallet.
"You seem awfully strange for a wizard, I mean, nothing like the movies, TV or any of the books I've read." James said.
"I'm a wizard, but that's just a hobby. I write screenplays for a living. I lost a Super Bowl bet and now I have to appears whenever someone finds the lamp and grant them a wish. Now listen closely so I don't have to read this again."
" In consideration of your act of kindness in freeing Fred the Wizard from the lamp, you have been granted one wish. This wish may take any form except that which will or may cause death to another human being. You as the wishee are responsible for the wording of the wish. Any ambiguity in the phrasing of said wish may result in a less than satisfactory outcome of your wish. An attention to detail is cautioned as wishes may not be canceled, revoked, changed or modified in any way once the wish has been granted. Void where prohibited. Okay, got that?"
"Okay, is that clear? Just say 'I wish ...' followed by what you want and it will be granted." Fred told James, moving his hand in a circle, trying to get James to hurry.
"I have to be exact in what I wish huh? Okay, let me think here. . ."
Just then, someone shouted, "They're opening the doors!"
James looked scared, this was his last chance. "I wish I was the person at the front of this line."
Fred paused, started to say something but stopped. He cast the spell and then vanished, as did the lamp.
Jamie stepped aside and allowed the first customer to enter the theater. James had gotten what he wished for, he, now she, was the person at the front of the line. She was confused at first then her memories kicked in. She was the newest manager for this theater and, as such, had drawn the unenviable task of working the overnight shift. Quelling disturbances, confiscating light sabers and laser pointers and keeping people from sneaking into the other auditoriums after their show was over. She was scheduled to work the next ten days straight. She would have to wait to see the movie but she would get the best seat in the house, right next to her boyfriend. He always made sure she understood everything that was going on by explaining it as it happened on the screen.
Fred popped back into line just as the manager let the first customers in. He got exactly the seat he wanted, accompanied by the well known actress he had been dating for some time. They sat through the show and enjoyed it greatly. It was everything he had hoped it would be. Fred enjoyed science fiction, he wished he could write scripts like that. As they left he noticed Jamie standing in the hall. She had her hands behind her back, a forced smile on her face. The heels she was wearing probably hurt her feet and it was going to be a long night.
Fred had intended to grant James his wish, had he worded it just a little different. If he had wished for a good seat, he would have gotten that, but he wished to be the person at the front of the line. There were two ways to look at that, Fred could have assumed he meant the first customer and put James there, but there was also the manager standing at the front of the line. She was a cute girl, the manager. Long black hair, bright blue eyes, nice figure. Fred was the first customer in line. He wasn't going to give up his place for a poorly worded wish.
Jamie walked past Fred, hurrying to stop a light saber battle between two boys. As Fred watched her walk away he noticed she did have a pretty good 'seat'.
Copyright 1999, 2000 by Bashful