Reflections of the Heart
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And now, just before surgery, his family gets in the way!
All Rights Reserved.
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday 02-12-2013 at 04:30:56 -04:00 am, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers.~Sephrena
Photo Credit:Sad Young Woman
This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.
Chapter One
Alex stared at his reflection in the mirror, everything looked fine. The binder did its job well, covering his bust well enough that no one would notice he had a B-cup. He hated using it but it was a necessary evil he had to live with if he wanted to appear normal.
Still that was probably the last day he’d wear it, today was the big day. He would tell his family about the transition he intended to undertake and remove the last real hurdle to being the person he’d always felt he was.
The drive to his Mom’s place was about an hour long and he spaced out, listening to the mindless drivel blaring out of the radio tended to do that to him a lot and it helped ameliorate the anxiety he felt about what he was about to do. It had been a long time coming this day and now it was here. Alex had meticulously planned her transition and when she would go full time and this was the last weekend she would present as a boy before going full time.
Ever since she’d been old enough to know the difference, Alex Sanders had known she wasn’t really a boy. Sure her genitals said otherwise but in her heart she was, had and would always be a girl. Growing up knowing you’re in the wrong body isn’t easy and she’d never been strong enough to tell someone how she felt.
Society expects conformity from an early age and Alex had felt constrained to act like a boy if she didn’t want to be labelled a misfit. Every day she lived as a boy it was like a small piece of her soul withered away. She had done all the stuff boys are expected to do but never wholeheartedly just enough not to be questioned while rigidly doing her best to keep her overwhelming femininity from bleeding through the facade she kept up.
As you can expect this brought on a depression in her teens and if it hadn’t been for her father’s death in her adolescence maybe her problem would have been spotted sooner but instead everyone attributed it to being caused by the loss of a parent at a formative age. Since Marshall and Melinda her siblings also exhibited the same feelings of grief and despair it only made sense to the therapist.
By the time Alex enrolled in college for an accounting degree, she was pegged down as a quiet hardworking young man who minded his own business and was always busy studying never having time for the partying that made up most students’ academic life. The girls didn’t lose sleep over him seeing as he showed no interest in going out or joining the rest of the human race. Inevitably some wondered about his orientation but as he was such a nice person who hardly bothered anyone, the rumours never got going.
Meanwhile the pain of living a lie ebbed and flowed, Alex graduated with excellent grades in her degree. Getting a job was a cinch, doing well at an Ivy League school tended to guarantee employment opportunities. She’d got a job at the head office of a large telecommunications firm with excellent prospects. Her mother, Lily was very proud of her more so considering she’d raised her without a father.
Life should have been wonderful; Alex was young, healthy and secure. She was what every parent wished for their kids and yet on the inside Alex was miserable. Her heart cried out every time she saw women, teenage girl’s, pregnant moms. She hated being called ‘mister’ or the sight of her naked body and the sound of her voice. Sometimes she wished she could die and one night weeks after her 25th birthday she’d gone to the edge, contemplating her existence while holding a bottle of sleeping pills. In the end she hadn’t taken an overdose because she realised she hadn’t tried to solve her dilemma, at the very least she should try that and be herself before wasting her life.
That had been two years ago. Since then Alex had done a lot of things to get her freedom, getting herself on hormones which had had a huge effect on her mental state by calming her as well as propelling her body thorough a second puberty. Her breasts had developed and her body had taken more feminine contours. She’d also gone about removing her facial, arm and chest hair via laser treatment as well working on her voice and getting a wardrobe suitable for a woman her age. She dressed at home and thanks to Lindsay, her best and only friend went out on weekend’s en femme.
Part of her wished Lindsay, a girl she’d met on her first week on the job and struck up a fast friendship with could have come with her to meet her family. She’d had the most interesting reaction when Alex had confided in her six months before.
“I knew it!” she’d said, “It makes so much sense now,”
“What do you mean?” Alex responded.
“I mean you’re not like the other guys, you don’t look at women the way they do for one and you’re just so..,”
“Weird,” offered Alex sadly.
“NO!” said Lindsay immediately, “You’re not weird, it’s like you don’t send off the same vibe they do. It explains why you’re so controlled. Remember that night at Rainey’s when you got pissed, it’s like another side of came out you were so feminine when you got drunk I suspected you might be gay but this makes so much more sense. Why on earth didn’t you say something? I thought I was your friend,” she added.
“You are but I’ve kept this a secret my whole life and besides my therapist you’re the only one who knows coz I’ve never been able to talk about it,” Alex had replied.
Lindsay had immediately embraced her, “You poor thing, you did the right thing. How far are you going to take this?”
“All the way Linds, I, I, need to be a girl,” sobbed Alex.
Both girls had shared a good cry and Alex had had shared her story and her plans and hopes for the future. Naturally Lindsay had insisted on seeing her en femme. She’d promised to help her and together with her therapist they’d mapped out a plan to facilitate her transition at work, Alex had already told the relevant authorities about her plans and her company being very progressive had no qualms and its health plan would actually pay for any surgery she might require. All that was left was to inform her immediate family. Unfortunately Lindsay had to attend a family function that weekend which meant she’d have to tell her mom, brother and sister alone.
They were having a barbecue or to put it more accurately Marshall was barbecuing the meat while Melinda was sorting out the salad in the kitchen with their mother. As a teen Alex had secretly resented this division of labour because it was gender based and she was on the wrong side of the fence. It had hurt a lot when her mom had taken Melinda under her wing when she reached adolescence in a way she hadn’t with Alex. It was like they were in some sisterhood Alex would never be a part off even though her mother had taught them all to cook and clean, though she knew her mother loved her too it was like they shared a special relationship she would never share in.
Part of her still resented it but those feelings were brushed aside by the warm welcome her sister gave. Melinda 22 had rushed over and gave her a warm, effusive hug, the same one she did each time she saw him.
Marshall 26 greeted her with a playful punch on the chest and it was all Alex could do not to wince as her boobs felt the force of the blow. Lily also kissed her child and hugged her; pleased her offspring were all back home even if it was just for the weekend. The only thing that could make things better was the arrival of a few grandchildren and she hoped her babies would settle down soon.
A nervous Alex ate sparingly while her family chattered about their lives. She wondered how she would bring up the subject. She sighed wondering for the gazillionth time why she was the way she was.
She hadn’t announced that she had news to share, worrying that might taint the meal’s atmosphere. The rest of them hardly noticed her silence though Lily eyed her worriedly once or twice during lunch. The meal finally came to its end,
“I’ll get the dishes,” Alex offered feeling she at least had to do something as she hadn’t been part of the cooking process. Being the eldest also meant it was wired in her to make sure everything was cleaned up after meals; it had been something she’d learnt to save their Mom working any more than she had to.
Besides it would give her an opportunity to gather her thoughts and decide how to proceed.
Lily sat on her deck talking to her daughter Melinda while Marshall watched something on ESPN just like his father had been fond of doing when he was alive, she sighed. She missed him so much all the time but having the kids over went someway to dulling the pain.
She was still contemplating her sweetheart when her oldest child arrived at the table.
“Hi Mom, can we talk?” said Alex with a troubled expression on her face.
“Of course honey, what’s the matter?” she asked.
Alex put his face in his hands for a moment and then took a deep breath before beginning her story.
“I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now,” she began.
“Why?” asked Lily, immediately concerned.
“Depression,” said Alex simply.
Lily was stunned, not once had she sensed something was amiss in Alex’s life but then again she wasn’t as outgoing as her siblings and had always kept to herself which would have made seeing her depression harder. Still it was a shock to hear but there was more to come.
“I nearly killed myself two years ago,” went on Alex softly.
Melinda dropped the glass she was holding and the sound of shattering glass mixed with the commentary from the sports show was the only sound in the vicinity for what seemed like an eternity.
“Why Alex?” asked Lily once more, fighting back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.
Hearing your child tell you they almost committed suicide isn’t the easiest thing because all people inherently assume they will die before their offspring so it’s a shock when a child says they felt like going before you. Because you are happy you hope you passed that to your children and it is unsettling to say the least when you discover otherwise.
Melinda meanwhile was already crying, the tears flowing down her cheeks. She loved her brother deeply and looked up to him for inspiration. Discovering that he was so miserable that suicide seemed viable was terrible.
“I hate my life mom, I hate being ...,” began Alex but she stopped in mid-sentence unable to tell them her secret but Lily had heard and wanted him to finish so she could help. Like any mother she wanted to fix any problem her baby was having so she insisted Alex complete his sentence.
“You hate being what Alex?” she enquired.
This was the moment Alex had feared all her life, what would happen after she told them. Would they still love her, would they still want to be around her or would her loved ones reject her?
She remained silent unable to cross the Rubicon knowing that one way or the other that if she told them things would never be the same again with her family. Whatever image they had of him was going to change irrevocably from dutiful son to something else and it was that she feared, she might lose the safety and security the facade she kept up gave her and that was scary since she had no idea what might replace that image.
She was still lost in thought and had closed her eyes without even realising it when she felt someone squeeze her hand. Looking up she saw it was Melinda her little sister. She’d moved across to sit beside her.
Somehow that gesture gave her the strength to tell her mother.
“I hate being a boy, I’ve hated it all my life and I’m going to get a sex change,” Alex declared.
At that Lily started crying audibly while Melinda’s grip softened considerably though she didn’t release it.
Alex slowly drifted back to the land of the living, feeling groggy from the anaesthetics and the painkillers that had been pumped into her body.
A wave of nausea passed through her and she promptly threw up into the dish that suddenly appeared in front of her.
“Alex, are you okay?” asked a voice, it was Lindsay.
Alex answered by throwing up again.
She’d just come to after undergoing facial feminisation surgery as well as breast augmentation surgery.
“How do you feel?” she heard Lindsay ask.
Like crap thought Alex unable to speak. She also had a trachea shave which rendered mute for a while. She slowly turned her head to signal her discomfort to Lindsay.
Lindsay smiled and squeezed her hand. As she did so Alex experienced yet another uncomfortable feeling- pain. It wasn’t excruciating but there was a dull ache in her jaw and when she shifted slightly she felt a dragging sort of discomfort from her chest.
‘Ow,’ she thought unable able to enunciate her words with her face all bandaged and the pain in her lower jaw and forehead and throat assaulting her nervous system all at once.
It had been a week since she’d told her family the big news, it hadn’t gone down too well which is why she had Lindsay for company at her surgery. Her Mom was just overwhelmed by it; Mel didn’t know what to make of the whole situation. Marshall had probably taken it the worst; he’d just stood there staring at her. Alex felt like she’d shrunk to nothing in his eyes, so palpable was his disdain and disappointment. What he did next was probably worse. He’d turned around and returned into the house without a word and didn’t see Alex for the rest of her short visit.
She recalled the conversation she’d had with her mother and Melinda.
“Sweetie,” her mother had begun, searching for the right words, “Is it possible this is temporary or that the doctor made a mistake?” she asked.
“Maybe but I doubt it. Another doctor confirmed it,” said Alex.
“Oh,” she replied looking uncomfortable.
“Have you thought about what this might do to your life? Your job, relationships, how are people going to treat you Alex?” she finally asked her child.
“Yes I have and I hope they can accept me for who I am. My firm is supportive; I’m not going to lose my job or anything,” Alex had told her.
“Honey,” began Lily before pausing to make sure she found the right words, “I want the best for you, we all do and I know you think this is what you want but you could be making a huge mistake.”
Alex would have sighed on her hospital bed just as she had when her mother had said those words but the recent surgery rendered it impossible so she had to be content with a mental sigh.
“I understand Mum but please try and understand me too. Since I was five or six I’ve felt an abiding wrongness like something wasn’t what it was meant to be. I realised that I felt I was a girl when I was ten or so. I wanted to talk to someone but no one seemed to have the same problem and I was scared of how people would react so I hid it and did my best to be a guy but it only got worse, puberty was a nightmare and it only cemented my hatred of being male so I retreated into a shell because I knew no other way of handling it. When Dad died I had wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to burden you anymore so I carried on. I was miserable though wondering why my life was such a mess, I cried myself to sleep a lot, later I couldn’t even cry because the hormones my body was making made it impossible. I decided to make do with what I had but it never felt right. Still I could forget myself when studying and that kept me going till I got my degree. A few weeks after I turned 25 I just couldn’t hold it in anymore, I realised I’d lived a quarter of a century lying to myself and the rest of the world and I couldn’t go on anymore. I was so close to overdosing and I only stopped when I realised I had never tried to solve my problem. I couldn’t die without at least trying to do something about it so I started seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed with severe gender dysphoria meaning though physically male I have a mostly female psyche, the two are incompatible. She and my doctor have put me on oestrogen and anti-androgens, I’ve been getting laser hair removal and next weekend I’m due for facial and breast surgery.”
At that point Lily was crying softly while Marshall who’d been summoned by the sound of breaking glass looked at her like she’d grown an extra head before turning and walking back into the house. Melinda had let go of her hand. Unable to take their reaction Alex had promptly stood up and gone home before anything else was said.
A couple of months had passed since that event and Alex had come out to her folks while it had been seven weeks since her double surgeries. Part of her really thought the former had been more painful than the latter which had been so excruciating she’d wished to die at one point. She’d been badly bruised for days afterwards and for a while she’d doubted her own sanity, after all what sane person would willingly undergo such torture? The aftercare had been phenomenal though and having Lindsay who’d taken leave to accompany her was amazing, she was a true friend.
Of course time heals all wounds they said and it was proving true and she was coming into her own and to say she was pleased with the results was an understatement. She was thrilled at how she looked now. She definitely looked like the girl she felt she was, the surgeon had removed the bony forehead protrusion that developed in males as they aged, her Adam’s apple wasn’t visible anymore, her nose looked just right and she’d lost the heavy jaw while her cheekbones were a tad more prominent giving a her a more oval face. Hair extensions solved the problem of short hair, she went for jet black locks that reached her shoulder-blades and framed her new face really nicely. The people at work had been stunned when she turned up unable to believe this was the same Alex they’d worked with four weeks before.
They stared and stared trying and failing not to. Some of the girls wanted to know whose hands had done such wonders knowing it might prove handy someday. Her bust was fantastic, she’d gone up to 38C which she’d been told matched her 5ft 9 frame. The best thing was she didn’t have to hide until weekends anymore; it was such relief to be out in the open the only thing that could make it better was to lose the penis she loathed so much but that would only be possible after a year or so.
The only thing that tempered her joy was the fact she hadn’t heard from or seen any of her relatives since she’d come out. She could have called but she didn’t want to press them too much, though she’d never stayed so long without hearing from them. In all honesty she was beginning to fear that her family didn’t want to deal with her being a girl and that maybe they didn’t want to see her again.
It was a relief when Melinda showed up the following weekend. Alex had been spending a quiet day at home sorting out her paperwork and other stuff, a judge had granted her name change from Alexander Francis Sanders to Alexandra Francisca Sanders when her doorbell rang. In the past she would have been panicking about who it was as she’d be all dressed up and only Lindsay knew about it. Now the panic passed and she stayed as she was to answer her door.
Imagine her surprise when she opened the door and saw her little sister standing there.
Her surprise was mirrored tenfold on her sister’s face and her mouth fell open.
“Alex,” she breathed tentatively.
“Hi Mel,” said Alex softly, her voice had altered drastically thanks to the surgery and the voice training she’d undergone and was still doing, “come in,” she added before making way for her sibling.
It was like Melinda hadn’t heard her, she continued staring at Alex taking in everything from the glossy hair, the gorgeous face, the well-endowed cleavage to the luscious legs and the clothes that went with them, the figure hugging top and skirt and low heels, everything screamed woman. The one thing that hadn’t changed were the intelligent steel grey eyes that their mother had bequeathed to Alex only, she’d know those anywhere.
“Oh my goodness,” said Melinda in shock.
Intellectually she’d come prepared that her sibling would have changed and that maybe Alex would be different, not like this, not this good though.
Alex gave a small nervous smile before ushering her sibling in.
“What have you done?” Melinda asked mouth agape.
“Mel I can’t be a man anymore. It’s just not me and this me taking steps to be the person I’ve always felt I was in here,” replied Alex emotionally, gesturing to her heart.
Melinda sat down struggling to make head or tail of all this, her brother was someone she’d looked up to her whole life. Now he was turning his life upside down and she couldn’t understand what was happening.
Alex sat down beside her, “Look Mel, I’m not trying to hurt you or Mum or Marshall. I’m just trying to give myself a chance; I’ve felt like a girl for as long as I can remember. I hid it and repressed it but it only made it worse to the point of me feeling like my life wasn’t worth the pain I was in. Imagine you woke up a man tomorrow without a trace of you ever being a girl and everyone expected you to be man, that’s how I’ve felt my entire life,” she explained.
“That’s different, you were never a girl in the first place,” said Melinda.
“On the outside I wasn’t but being a girl isn’t skin deep sis, in my heart I’ve always been a girl which I why I feel odd as a man,” she gently told her sister, to “I need you to try and understand that even if you don’t like what I’m doing,”
Melinda looked her in the eye.
“You’re right, I don’t get it but I love you and you’ve always been there for me so I’ll do my best to, to do the same,” she told her sibling.
“Thank you,” said Alex, her eyes bright.
They stared at one another before Melinda gave Alex a tentative hug.
“That’s weird,” she said when she let go.
“What’s weird?” asked Alex self-consciously
“Hugging you and feeling your boobs mash mine,” she was told.
Alex turned pink, slightly embarrassed and making Melinda smile at her discomfort.
Neither of them got round to discussing the purpose of Melinda’s visit which was to check that Alex was ok. As she was clearly alive but depending on who defined okay the answer was debatable. So the elephant in the room was ignored though Melinda was dying to find out what Alex had done while Alex was itching to gush to her sister about her new look, her wardrobe and life as a woman.
Instead Alex played hostess and made her sister lunch, asked after Mum and Marshall and listened to her sister talk about her fruitless search for employment. She had graduated with a degree in Business but was still looking for paid employment. At the moment she was occupied volunteering for a charity that helped homeless people. Besides being useful to society she was earning some sort of experience.
As she talked Mel realised Alex might have changed on the outside but inside nothing had changed, Alex was still the same dependable human being she’d grown up idolising and if he, sorry she said she felt happier who was she to begrudge someone their happiness.
They spent the rest of the weekend in relative amity though by tacit agreement nobody brought up anything to do with Alex’s transition so as to keep the peace. They were both glad they still had a relationship and didn’t want anything to damage that.
When Melinda went home to their mother Alex was rather pleased that they were still friends and that her sister wasn’t going to abandon her. Melinda on her part was beginning to be convinced that Alex wasn’t nuts and that maybe just maybe she needed to transition. One thing she knew for sure was she didn’t want to spend another month without talking to or seeing her, she had a feeling her sibling needed her even though she seemed so self-sufficient.
Lily of course was all over Melinda when she returned home.
“Did he do it?” was the first question she asked her child on her return home.
Melinda nodded.
“Yeah Mum he did it, looks astonishing,” she said.
“Really, how bad is it?” Lily queried.
“It’s not bad at all Mum Alex looks gorgeous,” said Melinda.
Lily looked at her daughter questioningly.
“I don’t think Alex will go back on this,” added Melinda.
“Do have any photographs?” Lily asked after a bit of silence.
“No, I think you should see her yourself,” Melinda suggested.
Lily paused again, deep in thought. She didn’t know what to do about what her oldest child was doing, it seemed so drastic and she worried more for Alex’s sake than her own. A sex-change would leave him at the mercy of bigots hurting her at every turn.
Hadn’t she read somewhere that people had been beaten even killed for being caught in women’s clothes when they weren’t women?
What about love and children, wouldn’t this doom Alex to a life of loneliness?
She screwed her eyes shut fighting back tears, her child wanted this but at what cost?
She remembered what Alex had told her about being suicidal, she definitely didn’t want to lose her child and when she’d brought him into this world she’d sworn to herself to protect him and avoiding him wasn’t any protection. She decided to call her later that night.
Alex was already in bed that night when her mother called. She usually went to bed feeling quite dysphoric, this misery caused by the physical reminder of her birth gender which she was most aware of at this time.
Somehow she knew that she’d never be complete so long as she had that thing on her body.
Seeing Lily’s number on the caller ID naturally made her more apprehensive as she wondered what her mother wanted to say to her.
“Hello,” she began a part of her praying it was Mel.
“Hello, um could I please speak to Alex Sanders,” she heard her mother request.
“Mum it’s me, Alex,” she told her, suppressing a giggle.
“Oh, hi sweetheart, you sound different,” remarked Lily.
“Great, that’ll make things easier,” said Alex cheerily.
“Your sister tells me you look different too,” said Lily diplomatically.
“I look like how I’ve always felt I should look,” said Alex quietly.
“How was it, the surgery?” Lily asked.
“Horrible but it was worth it,” Alex responded.
“What did you have done?” asked Lily, driven by a mother’s natural curiosity about her child and concern for Alex.
“I had my Adam’s apple shaved, jaw softened, my nose reduced a bit, my forehead smoothed out and breasts increased to a C cup,” said Alex softly, somewhat scared of her mother’s reaction.
She wasn’t sure where she stood with her after all this.
“Goodness, are you okay?” Lily said, clearly worried.
“I’m okay Mum, I had an excellent surgeon and the aftercare was fantastic. I also had a friend with me so it wasn’t too bad,” she told her mother.
“Sweetheart I’m sorry I haven’t been there lately. I just don’t know how to deal with this, I feel like I’m losing you,” said Lily, her voice cracking with emotion.
“Mum, I’m still me. I won’t love you any less or run off or anything. I’ll just be a happier me who happens to be a girl that’s all,” stated Alex, fighting back tears too.
“Alex I’m trying to understand how you feel about this but please try and understand me too, you are my first child. Your father and I were so proud of you when you were born, our own little boy, now I feel like I’m going to lose my little boy, it’s like losing Steve all over again,” said a tearful Lily.
Alex was in tears too, she felt guilty that she was putting her beloved mother through all this and would have done anything within her power to make her feel better. But that was the problem, she was powerless against the overwhelming feelings within her, she just HAD to be a girl. It was either that or Lily really would lose her first child permanently.
“Mum I know it feels like that but I just need to be a woman. If I can’t be me then I cannot live the way I was, every day I lived as a man I was miserable, a part of me was dying and it got to a point where I just wanted to end everything,” she said in a tearful voice.
Mother and child were soon both sobbing softly over the phone and somehow it drew them closer to one another. The upshot of this was Lily telling Alex to come home for the weekend so they could talk some more and for Lily to get a good look at her ‘new daughter.’
Alex despite having misgivings couldn’t turn her mother down because she knew they needed to work this out. She wanted her mother to understand what she was doing and embrace her change, difficult though it might be and the only way to do this was to spend time with her.
The following week went by in a whirlwind of activity for Alex at her workplace. She’d been assigned to a new potentially big project and she took this as a sign of confidence in her by management. Socially she made her debut as a woman at a retirement party for one of her colleagues. It was a lot of fun and her attempt to be the wallflower didn’t work out as a troop of her colleagues asked to dance with her which was great for her self-esteem. Her colleagues were amazing in that they never ostracised or made fun of her or mocked her transition. She attributed this to sensitivity training and to being lucky enough to work for a company with a no nonsense anti-discrimination charter.
In all honesty she had never expected things to go as smoothly. It was in this way that she garnered Real Life Experience for the surgery and more important than that for the rest of her life as a woman.
In all honesty her biggest worry was the family gathering coming that weekend.
To Be Continued...
Reflections of the Heart 2
Author:
Caution:
Audience Rating:
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Character Age:
TG Themes:
Permission:
And now, just before surgery, his family gets in the way!
All Rights Reserved.
This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.
Photo Credit:Sad Young Woman
Chapter Two
What the hell is Alex smoking?
Was Marshall’s recurrent thought concerning Alex’s transition, he simply couldn’t fathom why his brother thought he was a girl and worse would surgically alter his body into something resembling a caricature of a woman.
As far as he was concerned the guy was off his rocker, all that talk of feeling trapped in the wrong body, how on earth could you be trapped in the body you’d been born in. It was just crazy. All that stuff about becoming a woman made no sense at all to him, Alex had a perfectly good life and all of a sudden he was flushing it down the drain for reasons best known to him. Still, they were brothers and he had to look out for him.
He really felt he should have shaken some sense into his brother the minute he started spouting all that stuff. He couldn’t just let his brother go down this unfortunate path and ruin his life. So he resolved whatever he could to deter Alex from his kamikaze action.
Lily was quite apprehensive about her child’s visit wondering what Alex looked like now and worried about her baby’s well being. Sometimes she thought Alex might be making a tragic mistake, other times she wasn’t too sure after all anything had to be better than having her commit suicide. According to Mel, Alex looked at ease as a woman unless you reminded her she wasn’t otherwise she wouldn’t be spotted as transgendered unless she told you herself.
“I think I’m going to be jealous, Alex is beautiful,” Mel had told her.
“Really,” Lily said.
“Yep, I know you’re scared for her but I think she’s doing pretty okay at being a girl, it’s scary when I think she’s had to hide that part of herself her whole life,” Melinda remarked.
Ever since her weekend at Alex’s Melinda had become more sympathetic to her sibling’s issues. She’d done some research online about gender dysphoria and while she thought it was mind-boggling that some people wanted to undergo that whole process but when it was family your reaction to it changed from those ‘poor fools,’ to serious concern. She had no doubts about the seriousness of Alex’s conviction, she‘d had extensive surgery and hormone treatment and by all accounts that wasn’t a walk in the park.
Because she loved Alex she wanted to understand the motivations behind someone going through this so she could help her sibling whatever way she could. The more she read the more she started to see Alex’s side of the story.
On Saturday morning Alex arrived at the family home to find the entire clan already there.
As she stood by her mother’s door, Alex wondered for the umpteenth time if she was doing the right thing. A part of her wished she could turn back the hands of time to the day she’d come out just so she could spare everyone from going through this but that was futile, the die was cast.
But the thought of having to be man again wasn’t very palatable
So with a sigh she rang the doorbell.
Mel answered the door, smiled before giving Alex a huge hug.
“Hey you look amazing,” she told the person she was increasingly viewing as her sister.
She was right Alex looked phenomenal even though she’d dressed only in a strappy top and jeans so as not to push the envelope too much with Lily and Marshall. Something told her it would be best if she didn’t go all out girly on them, so dressing simple would allow them room to adjust without being too much of a shock. It was a bit too much to ask for considering how radically different she looked now.
Her hair was in a braid with the barest minimum of makeup on her face.
“I do not,” responded, “this is just something I threw on,” she said smiling.
“You wish,” retorted Melinda, “learn to take a compliment Alex. The way you look you’ll be getting them a lot,” she teased.
Alex rolled her eyes.
“Okay, thanks Mel, you look great too,” Alex responded.
When Lily walked on the girls and saw Alex, she at first thought that it must be one of Mel’s pals.
“Hi Mom,” said the girl nervously leaving Lily gobsmacked.
“A, Alex,” breathed Lily as she stared.
The girl nodded slightly while Lily took a good look at her just to confirm the girl’s assertion. There was no way this was Alex but as she stood beside Melanie the family resemblance was unmistakeable. Her keen grey eyes looked exactly like her own confirming the fact that this good looking female was the son she’d given birth to.
Alex thought her mother would collapse as she watched her face whiten with each second. However she stood stock still, frozen to the spot watching the tableau in front of her. Marshall walked in,
“What’s going on?” he asked looking at his mom then the girl by the door and Melanie.
She looked pretty hot, he decided as he couldn’t help but stare.
“Hello Mom, hey Marshall,” said Alex nervously.
“Holy shit, Alex,” muttered Marshall, stunned.
“Language Marshall,” Lilly warned her son, she was ever the stickler for politeness and regaining her composure.
“Sorry,” said Marshall grumpily, while continuing to stare at Alex.
Alex looked down, slightly embarrassed and a bit ashamed while Mel glared at her brother.
Silence reigned once again.
Melinda broke the silence after what seemed like an eternity.
“Okay people,” she began, “I know this is awkward but we can’t stand here the whole day, I suggest we move into the lounge so we can, um talk.”
They all made their way to lounge careful not to stare at Alex. They all sat down which was the cue for Lily and Marshall to resume staring at Alex.
“Well you look different,” said Lily cautiously making Marshall shake his head.
“Mom that’s not different, that’s plain crazy,” he remarked.
“Stop it, there’s no need to insult Alex, okay,” said Mel angrily.
Lily nodded, “Yes we’re all adults, we should be able to talk like we are,” she said looking pointedly at Marshall.
“Look I know I’ve changed somewhat but I don’t mind, inside I’m still the same and I’m not as miserable as I was before,” began Alex.
“Whoa, he even sounds different,” Marshall said, looking annoyed.
“What’s your problem? Alex is trying to tell us something and all you can do is be childish, grow up,” said Mel also annoyed.
Marshall stared daggers at his baby sister but held his tongue.
Alex continued, “I know this is difficult but I want to be girl, I always have. All the doctors I’ve seen think I should transition and I agree with them, I love you guys and I know you do to. I just want us to stay close as a family,” she said softly.
“How do we do that when you suddenly wake up and decide to turn yourself into this,” spat Marshall.
Alex looked hurt.
“I didn’t suddenly wake up and do this; it’s been like this forever. I've always felt like something was wrong, that I wasn't supposed to be a man. It ate at me for years, every single day. I tried my best to be a guy but it was hell and I just ended up being suicidal. I knew if I continued being a guy I’d kill myself so this is me staying alive,” she explained.
Even Marshall had no answer to that. He loved his family and discovering that Alex had been miserable enough to consider suicide was disturbing.
Lily took over.
“So where to from here, are you going to change your name and how do you go to work like that?”
“I have, I changed my name to Alexandra Francisca. You can still call me Alex though and I live 100% as a woman, my company doesn’t mind so long as I do my job and to tell you the truth work is more fun now that I’m not depressed anymore,” she told her mother.
“Honey, why didn’t you tell us?” Lily asked in concern.
“I was scared you would hate me for it, I had wanted to tell you when I was younger but then Dad died and I didn’t want to make everyone more miserable,” said Alex fighting back tears.
Lily’s maternal instincts took over and she went to Alex and gave her a huge hug.
“I love you, always have and I always will,” she told her child softly which only made Alex break down.
“Even like this?” she sobbed.
“You’re still my baby aren’t you? So yes I can love you even if you’re a girl,” murmured Lily.
Thanks,” murmured Alex as she cried in her mother’s arms.
“Are you going to have more surgery?” Mel asked when she was back to normal.
Alex looked at her unsure what she meant.
“SRS,” prompted Mel.
Alex looked at her, realising she’d read up on her condition.
“I’ll know in a year,” she said.
“Not sure,” wondered Mel.
“No I am, if my therapist signs off on it I intend to have it,” answered Alex.
“Have what?” Lily queried.
“”The surgery to you know, make her a complete woman,” said Mel nervously.
“Oh, okay,” said Lily looking uncomfortable, “what happens during the surgery?”
“It’ll make Alex a woman where it counts,” said Mel making Alex blush profoundly.
“Aww,” winced Marshall, “stop talking,” he remarked looking uncomfortable.
The very thought of having GCS was sickening; he couldn’t imagine a guy going through that, let alone wanting to. It strengthened his conviction that his sibling was crazy.
Lily ignored him and concentrated on Mel.
“How do you know so much about this?”
“Well after visiting Alex I decided to read up on the whole thing, I joined an online group for a parents and family with loved ones like Alex. This doesn’t have to destroy this family others have gone through it and come out of it great. We just need to stand together and love one another,” said Mel hopefully.
Alex smiled and looked at her gratefully, while Lily looked at Alex closely. The person next to her looked vaguely like her first born and if she was honest Alex looked lovely and if she hadn’t known would never guessed she was born a boy.
“Alex, tell me exactly what’s next?”
“I have to do my real life test which is me basically living as a woman for the next 11 months or so while seeing my therapist. When it’s done she will assess whether I can live as a woman, if I can she and another therapist will recommend surgery which is what I want badly,” said Alex.
“The surgery to give you a vagina?” said Lily directly.
“Yes,” nodded Alex primly.
Lily closed her eyes.
“Will you be able to have children?” she asked looking worried.
“No,” Alex murmured, sounding pained.
“Dude!” said Marshall.
“Are you certain about this, you might not want kids now but as you get older you might change your mind,” said Lily gently.
“That’s what the endocrinologist said when I started taking hormones so I had some sperm saved,” said Alex quietly.
Lily understood a bit about this and she felt better somewhat.
‘What about falling in love with someone, are you doing this so you can sleep with men,” Lily pressed on.
“No, I’m just doing it for me, I honestly hate having a penis, I have never wanted since I was a kid and I don’t want to go through life hating my body,” Alex responded
“You’re crazy,” commented Marshall.
“Maybe I am but I know how I feel and I just know I’d more comfortable without it,” said Alex patiently.
“You didn’t answer my question,” said Lily, “do you want to sleep with men?”
“I honestly don’t know Mom, I’m not attracted to women or men, I just know I’m not a man and I hate being male,” Alex replied. “My therapist says gender and sexuality aren’t always linked. She thinks because I was so depressed and full of self-loathing I never got to figure out whether I’m attracted to girls or not,”
“What if you find out you’re into girls and have had the surgery?” asked Mel.
“Alex is into girls, you dated girls in high school, there was Cindy and Emily,” argued Marshall.
“Marshall high school is about fitting in, I liked them but only as friends and maybe because I envied them. I never wanted to do anything physical with them,” said Alex before turning to her sister, “Mel if I find I like girls well that’ll be that, my problem is with being male, that’s not the real me,” said she finished.
“What if you like men, do you think guys will be interested in a woman with your history?” Lily asked.
“I honestly don’t know Mom,” replied Alex frankly.
“Come on, I know I wouldn’t go out with someone who wasn’t a real woman,” Marshall
“Well it’s a good thing Alex won’t be dating you then isn’t it?” Mel retorted.
Lily sensing a fight decided this was enough and changed the subject.
“So what do you kid’s want for lunch?”
The weekend had gone well thought Alex as she sat in her office at work the following Monday. Lily was doing her best to adjust to the idea of having another daughter. There was no doubt in Alex’s mind that her mom loved her, though she didn’t seem so sure about the idea of her child having further surgery.
Still Alex hoped with time she’d understand it, all she needed was to time to get her head around it. Marshall was another story altogether. She could tell he hated what she was doing and hadn’t said anything because of the discovery that she’d been suicidal. That alone had stopped him from criticizing her for her transition. Alex was however willing to work on him and one idea was to take him to a baseball game or a NASCAR race, two of his favourite things. At least so she could get to be with him alone and maybe bond.
She didn’t want to lose her brother as he meant a lot to her. It was his easygoing attitude and masculinity that had given her the strength to survive her teens. She had simply imitated him a bit so she could fit in and a lot of the things they’d done together as kids had helped take her mind of the pain that had gnawed at her back then.
The weeks went by and she lived her life almost the same way as before her transition, except she felt a lot happier. She talked to Mel daily over the phone or through IM and the girls bonded easily. Mel liked having a sister to talk to about stuff as it was kind of refreshing while Alex loved the easy way her little sister embraced her transition and how she’d gone out and researched gender dysphoria so she could understand it for Alex’s sake.
Lindsay was overjoyed though, her best friend had let go of an immense burden, she could see how much of a relief it was to Alex that she didn’t have to present as a guy anymore and she also had the enjoyable task of showing Alex the ins and outs of womanhood.
One of those ins and outs included dating and when she discovered Alex had never ever been on date she took it upon herself to introduce her.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” remarked Alex.
“No one ever is. You’re 27 years old and have never dated and I know you like guys,” Lindsay answered.
“I do not, I mean I don’t know,” said Alex uncertainly.
“Well this is your chance to find out but I already know you like them so this will enlighten you,” said Lindsay.
“You’re kidding right?”
“If you were lesbian I’d have picked up on it sweetheart, you like guys and I’ve known for a bit,” said Lindsay confidently.
“How do you know that?” Alex asked, frowning slightly.
“It’s called female intuition; if you look deep enough I’m sure you’ll find your own,” was Lindsay’s smart Alec retort.
“Seriously how do you know that?” Alex wondered.
“Easy, it’s the way you looked at people, with girls you never had any lust in your eyes, it was always sort of a sad envy and you never looked at guys because you didn’t want to admit that you’re into them,” Lindsay told her.
“I was that readable,” said Alex.
“Yeah I think anyone who met you could tell if they tried hard enough,” Lindsay replied.
Alex was rather surprised; this was something she would have to bring up with her therapist.
“If you don’t believe me you can find out for yourself tonight, I booked us for a session of speed dating at the Redcliff Centre,” said Lindsay.
“Speed dating, no way Lindsay,” replied Alex.
“Come on, I need moral support. I haven’t dated in two years and my body clocks starting to warn me I’m getting old. Please Alex, just this once, a girl needs her best friend for such things,” Lindsay begged.
Alex looked at her and the pleading eyes. She recalled her friend having been there when she needed her. What was a round of speed dating between friends.
“Oh alright, if you insist,” agreed Alex.
“Great, I knew you wouldn’t let me down,” said Lindsay with a broad smile.
“What are friends for?” Alex responded, suddenly feeling she’d been had.
“Cool, so what are you wearing, I’m going to wear the dress we got at that boutique on Long Street,” said Lindsay.
“I haven’t the foggiest, I wasn’t planning on doing this tonight,” Alex said while she mentally catalogued all her nice outfits to decide which to wear.
“No worries, I’ll come over and help you pick something after work,” suggested Lindsay.
As promised she was at Alex’s place to help her out and to prevent her from chickening out.
“Take this dress,” she said placing a short darling navy blue dress on her friend’s bed.
“Hmm,” said Alex hesitantly, “it looks so short,”
“Duh, you’re 27 not 67 Alex and it shows off those gorgeous legs,” answered Lindsay. Bowing to her friends will, Alex got dressed as instructed then did the makeup and brushing her hair out. She looked at her reflection and smiled she looked and felt gorgeous.
“Wow, girl,” breathed Lindsay when she saw the final result, “Why’d you hide for so long?” she wondered.
Alex smiled, proud she looked so fantastic. She grabbed her purse and coat and both girls left.
At the Redcliff Centre speed dating had a set up where people were introduced to one another then given a small amount of time to talk to each other before moving on to the next person. If interested in someone you would note down the number they were allocated. To ensure mutual interest you would only get back with that person if they had expressed an interest in you as well.
The ladies were seated at tables while the guys’ circulated around the hall for 25 minutes moving from girl to girl. Alex listened to five men just like the other girls; there was only one who generated some sort of interest for her.
She liked Tommy Radek the instant he opened his mouth, he was witty but not to the point of being sardonic and in his 5 minutes he had made her smile enough to want to talk to him gain. To her amazement he was interested in seeing her too which gave them another 30 minutes together.
They chatted away talking about their interests and jobs and found each other rather intriguing. Of course Alex didn’t tell him she was undergoing a gender transition since she barely knew him but apparently he was interested in her so he asked for her number.
As luck would have it Lindsay had clicked with his friend Donny which inevitably led to a double date on the weekend.
Lindsay was thrilled.
“You’re my good luck charm,” she told her friend.
“Am not you’re a gorgeous woman Linds,” said Alex hoping to encourage her friend’s self-esteem.
“So are you honey, you should have seen the way guys looked at you. And Tommy’s gorgeous. If I didn’t find Donny I’d be jealous” Lindsay answered.
“Thanks for making me come, it was eye opening,” said Alex with a smile before giving a friend’s hand a squeeze as they drove home.
“Don’t mention it, it’s just nice to see come out of your shell. You needed this and I needed you with me so I guess it evens out,” said Lindsay smiling back and squeezing back.
To Be Continued...
Reflections of the Heart 3
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And now, just before surgery, his family gets in the way!
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Photo Credit:Sad Young Woman
Chapter Three
“Good, I’m glad you had fun because that’s the last time that I’m going speed dating,” responded Alex.
“Oh come don’t tell me you didn’t have fun,” replied Lindsay.
“What’s the fun in talking to a strange guy every 5 minutes, I felt like they were each undressing me,” said Alex, “I told you this outfit wouldn’t work,” she complained.
Lindsay smiled at her pal.
“Yet you took some random guys number,” she pointed out.
“Yeah what was I thinking,” lamented Alex.
“Perhaps I was right about your liking guys,” she told her pal.
“I liked Tommy as a person the way I like you, there was nothing sexual about it.”
“I liked the second guy I talked to, Donny,” Lindsay told Alex as they drove home that night.
“Great so now that you’re set up with some guy, I can carry on my life in peace,” Alex told her friend.
“Sure you can doll but only as soon we get this double date out of the way,”
“No,” Alex groaned.
“Hey if you want Tommy to yourself I’m cool with it,” teased Lindsay.
Alex rolled her eyes at her friend.
The double date went quite well if the truth be told. Alex found she liked being the centre of someone’s attention, she’d always been invisible her whole life, now somebody was showing an interest in her and she adored it. Though she was certain it had something to do with how she looked it was nice all the same and she didn’t say no when he asked her if she would like to do this again.
The months moved by and Alex settled rather well into her role as a woman at work and in society. Her performance had improved at work, a direct result of her not hiding who she was anymore. She also felt a lot happier as a person and felt like a member of the human race for the first time in her life. It helped that she was beautiful, people noticed this and complimented her which made her feel good. Still it wasn't about her looks but the very act of who she'd longed to be since childhood. Being a woman brought her a sense of peace she hadn't known for most of her life and which others took for granted.
To her surprise she had hit it off with Tommy; he’d kissed her at the end of their fifth date. She’d been taken aback by this; it had been her first kiss. He had told her he thought they should go steady.
“I think we have something special and I’d like to get to know you better. Let’s be exclusive,” he told her.
Alex had agreed though she wasn’t entirely sure about it considering that she was yet to tell him her situation. Yet she couldn’t deny the growing attraction she felt towards him, it wasn’t love yet though she realised she was beginning to anticipate their dates and phone calls and was thinking about him quite a lot and when dressing would ask her herself what Tommy would think.
Lindsay was overjoyed when she heard about it. She’d given her pal a hug and told her she was doing the right thing and to go along with the flow.
“But I can’t, I’m not like most girls,” said Alex worriedly.
“Honey, you’re a girl, that’s why he fell for you. I know you have to tell him but not now,” Lindsay replied.
“I don’t know, he might go crazy,” responded Alex.
Her family life was a mixed bag. Mel was a wonder; in an effort to bond she’d visited Alex a number of times to talk about stuff. Alex had found herself telling her about her childhood, how she’d resented being male and the anguish living a lie had brought her. Hearing this had brought tears to her sister’s eyes as she’d had no idea of her sibling’s pain.
“I wish you’d told me,” said Mel sadly.
“I couldn’t tell anyone, I thought I was weird and if anyone knew they would hate me for it,”
Mel nodded in understanding.
“I guess you would think that but just know that I’m there if you need to talk in future,”
“Thanks sweetie,”
“Don’t mention it, I think I’m going to like having a sister,” said Mel softly.
Alex laughed, flicking her hair out of her face as she did so.
Mel watched her in amazement.
“I’m stunned I never noticed just how feminine you were,”
“I did my best to hide it, and I suppose you wouldn’t notice since we grew up together, it wasn’t feminine to you, just Alex,”
“Was it tough trying to be a guy?”
“You have no idea, everyday felt wrong, I’d see girls and women every day and I just wanted to burst. My body felt like a prison,” Alex said.
“Is it better now? Like how are you adjusting to being a beautiful woman?” Mel asked.
“I’m not a beautiful woman,” said Alex self-deprecatingly.
“Yeah right pull the other one, you look amazing sis, I’m so jealous,” Mel responded.
“Why should you be?” Alex asked in amazement.
“Alex you are drop dead gorgeous, I’m surprised no one’s asked you out yet,”
Alex blushed.
“Omigosh, you’re blushing, you never blush. There’s someone isn’t there?” said Mel excitedly.
Alex nodded.
“What’s his or her name?”
“Tommy,” said Alex softly.
“A guy, I knew you weren’t going to be into girls,” said Mel happily.
“He’s just a friend,” Alex remonstrated.
“Sure so tell me about him,” replied Mel eagerly.
Alex told her about the dates leading up to the kiss.
“Omigosh, you have a boyfriend!” exclaimed Mel before wrapping her sister in a hug.
“Does he know?” she asked when she’d let go.
Alex shook her head. Mel’s face turned serious.
“Are you going to tell him?” Mel asked. “You have to tell,” she added.
“Yes but I don’t know how,” Alex responded.
Mel kind of understood her dilemma.
“I see but you have to tell him before it gets too serious,” she advised.
Alex sighed. She had no idea how to begin telling Tommy and felt he wouldn’t react to well. Most guys were uncomfortable with the idea of dating a transgendered woman and she recalled the deteriorating relationship she had with her brother. If Marshall was anything to go by this wouldn’t end well.
Marshall had rebuffed all her attempts to talk one on one let alone hang out. He’d just told her he wasn’t interested when she’d suggested they spend time together. Before she came out this was something they’d always done but Marshall was suddenly a busy man whenever Alex mentioned doing something. He never sought her out to talk about anything anymore when previously she’d been his sounding board for a lot of things
She knew he was distancing himself from her and after agonising over it, decided to give him his space and not push him away. Since her brother was not eager to be friends she turned to her sister instead.
“Lindsay wants to meet you,” she said to her sister.
“Cool, sounds great but don’t change the subject. When are you telling this boyfriend of yours,” responded Mel.
“I’m looking for the right moment and he isn’t my boyfriend,” she said.
“Yeah right,” sniggered Mel, “wait till Mom hears about this,” she joked.
“Oh really, well Lindsay and I planned to do some shopping this weekend and get a makeover but since you’re planning on telling Mom my secrets I don’t think you’re welcome,” said Alex with a smile.
“Serious, okay I won’t tell her until you clear it then but I have to meet Lindsay and do this shopping thing,” remarked Mel excitedly, having never had a sister she looked forward to seeing what having one would be like and it was an opportunity to be close to Alex, something she wanted a lot.
Alex wasn’t surprised that Lindsay and Mel hit it off then sort of teamed up against her. Both of them seemed to relish the prospect of putting her in uncomfortable situations or so it seemed to her. She complained a bit but not wholeheartedly since she knew it wasn’t malicious. A part of her enjoyed what they were doing too, having longed all her life to be free to be feminine.
The three of them got along famously and had the time of their lives. Mel enjoyed having a sister to shop with, while Lindsay enjoyed being with her friend and Mel. Both girls were pleased Alex seemed to be much happier, she smiled more and was more outgoing than she’d been before.
“She’s like the same but different,” observed Mel as her sister went to try on a dress.
“Yeah I’ve noticed, it’s amazing isn’t it,” replied Lindsay, “I have never seen her so happy. When I first met her she was so withdrawn. I really thought she was struggling with something. Then she told me she was transgendered and everything clicked. When she started dressing during weekends I’d meet a new person I didn’t see during the rest of the week, it’s like she was a fake as a man,” she finished.
Mel nodded.
“Why did she take so long to tell us?”
“She cares about you and your family a lot. She was scared to lose you guys I think,” Lindsay answered, “but she finally realised she couldn’t live two lives forever. To move forward she had to tell you and make do with whatever you people decided,” Lindsay explained.
“It was totally out of the blue. We had no idea Alex was depressed let alone suicidal. Thank you for being there for her when she needed someone,” said Mel softly.
“Don’t mention it. She’s my friend, I’m just glad she could trust me with something like this and by sharing that she made a bond that you don’t get with everyone in life,” said Lindsay with a smile.
“I get that but thank you all the same Lindsay,” said Mel before giving Lindsay a hug.
“So I hear Alex is dating,” Mel remarked moments later.
Alex came out at that moment.
“That is none of your business,” she said, smirking at Mel, “How do I look?”
“It is my business, I’m your sister remember,” Mel said, “and you look great,” she added graciously as Alex made a pose in LWD she’d picked out for her.
“Nice, I think you should take it,” said Lindsay, “Tommy will love it,” she teased.
“So that’s his name,” Mel said cheerfully, “I need all the details,” she murmured.
“He is just a friend,” said Alex downplaying everything.
“A friend she’s gone on seven dates with,” Lindsay pointed out.
“OMG you have a steady boyfriend, what’s he like?” Mel teased though she already knew about Tommy.
“He’s gorgeous, Alex sure knows how to pick them,” said Lindsay, “they’ve kissed,”
Mel squealed, “Wow sis you’re not wasting anytime are you?”
Alex rolled her eyes.
“I like him, he’s a nice guy.”
“Is that all? How does he make you feel?” said Mel.
“I can’t explain it, he makes me feel warm inside,” Alex confessed.
Alex smiled as she thought of Tommy; her smile answered Mel who gave her a hug.
“I’m so happy for you,” she murmured.
“Thanks,” Alex.
Later that night Alex and Mel talked at length again about Tommy and the relationship Alex had with him. Alex told Mel the details of their dates, how she’d felt and how she looked forward to talking or seeing him. It was at that moment she realised she was falling in love with him.
“I think I’m falling for him,” murmured Alex.
“That’s great Alex,” said Mel softly.
“Is it?” Alex wondered, “I mean I don’t know if I can have a proper relationship with him,” she explained.
“You’re worried he’ll think you’re a guy,” stated Mel.
Alex nodded, “A lot of guys would think that,” she agreed.
“You’re not a guy,” said Mel, “I mean look at you, you’re stunning,” she said.
Alex sighed, “Yeah but I have the same thing he has down there,” she said, tears filling her eyes.
Mel embraced her.
“You’re a woman and if Tommy likes you he’ll understand,” she said softly.
“Like Marshall,” said Alex sadly.
“Marshall’s a fool,” said Mel vehemently.
Alex made a decision in the aftermath of her conversation with her sister. She decided to tell Tommy about her past so that he’d know where he stood. She didn’t believe she could build a relationship without openness and expect it to work out. Lindsay wasn’t too sure.
“I get what you’re saying but you’re taking a risk of getting hurt,” she advised.
“I know but I can’t carry on with someone I care about if they didn’t know about me,” Alex said, “I think I love him,” she said softly.
Lindsay immediately embraced her.
“I understand,” she said.
“That was a great film,” remarked Tommy with a smile as they exited the theatre. They’d just watched the new Star Trek film.
“It was but the Kirk being awoken from the dead scene was stretching it too far,” said Alex.
“Hey its science fiction isn’t it?” Tommy replied before leaning down for a kiss.
Alex held up her hand to block him.
“I’m sorry but I can’t. I have to tell you something,” she said.
Tommy looked at her pensively wondering if she was breaking up with him.
She led him to a park bench where there was some privacy but with enough people in the vicinity that she would be safe from any potential violence.
“What is it?” Tommy asked.
Alex sighed, “I like you a lot, you’re a great guy,” she began.
“I like you too girl, you’re special and so beautiful,” said Tommy.
Alex smiled slightly, her cheeks reddening which made Tommy smile.
“I’d like to have this relationship but there’s something you have to know,” she said slowly.
“Okay, shoot,” said Tommy, confident he could handle whatever it was.
“I’m transgendered,” Alex confessed.
“Transgendered, sorry I don’t understand,” said Tommy confused.
“I was born male but I’ve always felt I was a girl. I was too scared to tell my family so I lived as a boy until I was 25 when I decided to commit suicide because I couldn’t cope with how I felt and who I was. I decided to fix it by living my life as a woman,” explained Alex.
“You’re a man,” said Tommy, shocked.
“I’m a woman who used to be a man,” Alex answered, looking him in the eye.
Tommy stared at her for a moment before he finally responded,
“What about this?” He queried motioning at her body.
“I’ve been on female hormones for over two years now,” explained Alex, “they changed my body to what you see,” she added.
Tommy looked stunned.
“What about your thing?”
“I’m going to have surgery to give me a vagina,” said Alex.
“I can’t believe this,” said Tommy, “I mean why didn’t you tell me before,” he added.
“I wasn’t sure how serious we were,” said Alex.
Tommy shook his head.
“This is too much for me Alex. I’m not gay you know,” he said angrily.
“I’m not a man Tommy,” said Alex, her temper rising.
“You have a dick don’t you?” Tommy retorted.
“Which I don’t want, I hate it. I never liked being a guy and I love being a woman and if I could wave a magic wand I’d fix my body right now so I could be a complete woman,” Alex responded, her eyes bright with tears.
Tommy opened his mouth then shut it. They sat in silence for a while lost in thought yet all too aware of each other’s discomfort. Tommy finally broke the silence.
“Look I’m shocked by what you’ve told me. I like you a lot and I thought I’d found the girl of my dreams but what you’ve just told me isn’t easy to take in so I think we should give each other time so we can see where we stand okay,” he announced.
Alex nodded, “I understand,” she agreed.
Tommy stood up making no attempt to touch her.
“Bye Alex,” he said gruffly.
“Bye Tommy,” she whispered.
He turned and walked away and taking her heart with him. Alex’s tears coursed down her cheeks ruining her makeup and her day. That night she cried herself to sleep, wondering what she’d done wrong to have such a terrible life.
The next week was not a good one for her, she was miserable about what had happened and had lots of work piled on to boot. Being sad and having deadlines didn’t make a good mix. By Friday she was quite stressed. In order to get her mind off Tommy, Alex decided to spend the weekend at her mom’s place.
“Hi sweetheart,” said Lily when she opened the door.
“Hi Mom,” said Alex before pecking her mother’s cheek.
Lily invited her in and Alex took a seat on the sofa. Lily stared at her child, once again she was in a jeans and a sweater as a concession to her she suspected not that that could hide the changes wrought in her appearance by the hormones and the surgery. Alex’s face had softened a lot and she looked nothing like before. In fact she looked a lot like Lily had as a young woman. She had long hair that brushed her shoulder blades framing that face and a well sized cleavage and her waist and hips certainly had feminine contours. Only her eyes were unchanged and what she saw in them worried Lily.
“You look tired, what’s the matter?”
“Oh just the work piling up,” said Alex.
Lily’s penetrating grey eyes looked bored into hers.
“Are you sure?”
Alex sighed, “I’ve been seeing someone for some time now and I told him about my past last weekend. He asked for some time to think about it and I’ve been worried a bit too much this week,” confessed Alex.
“You have a boyfriend?” Lily asked, stunned.
She’d had no idea Alex was in a relationship but her having a boyfriend disturbed her more than a little as she still in her heart saw Alex as her son.
“I wouldn’t say that, he’s a good friend,” said Alex defensively, correctly sensing her mother’s discomfort with the idea.
“That you’re worried about because you told him you’re changing your sex,” said Lily, her eyebrow raised.
“Look Mom I told someone about who I am and I’m worried he’ll hate me for it,” said Alex.
“I don’t think I’m comfortable with you going out with men. You could get hurt really bad sweetie,” she told her.
“I shouldn’t have told you,” said Alex sadly.
“No, no don’t say that. I want you to feel free with me,” said Lily quickly.
“I can’t when I sense that you’re not comfortable with me being like this,” said Alex slowly.
She knew her mom didn’t really approve of what she was doing but only tolerated it because she loved her. She sensed this in the undertone of her conversations with her. It was something she’d felt before in the past when she'd wanted to do something Lily didn’t agree with.
Lily closed her eyes and sighed.
“I love you Alex and I’m trying to work through what you’re going through. It isn’t easy and I may sound like I’m not comfortable but I never want to hurt you. All I want is for you to be happy. Even if you’re a girl so please don’t pull away,” Lily said.
Alex nodded and Lily went over and gave her a heartfelt hug.
Marshall came in later that day and found the two women cooking in the kitchen.
“Hi Mom,” he said.
“Hello sweetheart, how are you?” Lily replied warmly.
“Good thanks,” he said before kissing her cheek.
He looked at Alex but said nothing.
“Hi Marshall,” said Alex when she realised he wasn’t going to greet her.
Marshall ignored her.
“Marshall Alex said hello where are you manners?” Lily asked.
“That’s not the Alex I know. I don’t talk to strangers,” said Marshall calmly.
Alex said nothing.
“Don’t be difficult Marshall,” said Lily quietly.
“I’m not being difficult, if you want difficult look at him. Honestly what sane person goes around pretending to be opposite sex?” Marshall spat.
“I’m not insane,” said Alex hurt, “and I’m not pretending to be the opposite sex.”
“See, he’s even changed his voice. What on earth is wrong with you, how can you do this to yourself?” Marshall challenged.
Alex turned and left the room, not wanting to be near her brother anymore.
“Yeah run away like a little girl,” said Marshall following.
“BOYS,” said Lily hoping to stop this from escalating.
“See even Mom thinks you’re a boy,” Marshall goaded as he stood right behind Alex who was fuming. He never saw the punch until it hit him square in the jaw with enough power to drop him.
Alex sat on him and pummelled him
“F**k you!” Alex screamed as she kept punching him.
“You sick bastard what did I do to you huh?” said Alex as she sobbed, “Why can’t you let me be, why?”
“ALEX, ALEX STOP IT!” Lily screamed as Alex kept beating Marshall who tried in vain to block and then push her off. Though weaker, Alex’s rage gave her the strength to keep on top of her physically bigger brother.
Melinda had just arrived home when she heard screaming in the house. She rushed in and found Alex sitting on and pummeling Marshall while her mom was shouting at them to stop. She quickly rushed in and pulled Alex’s hair so as to get her off. Lily grabbed one of her arms and pulled. Alex stopped resisting as soon as she saw what they were doing. She got off Marshall who immediately stood up intending to beat her. Lily and Mel stood in his way.
“That’s enough, I’ll call the police if I have to,” Lily said sternly, “there will be no fighting in my house.”
To Be Continued...
Reflections of the Heart 4
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And now, just before surgery, his family gets in the way!
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This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.
Photo Credit:Sad Young Woman
Chapter Four
The look on Lily’s face assured Marshall she was going to do what she said and frustrated he growled then stalked out of the house. They heard his car leave moments later. Mel looked at her mother and Alex.
“What’s going on?”
“Am I hurting you guys by being like this?” Alex asked, tears streaming down her face.
There was no answer from the two women.
“I can’t help how I feel ok, I just can’t help it,” she sobbed.
Mel wrapped her arms around her.
“Shh, don’t be upset,” she murmured as she held her sibling.
The rift between Marshall and Alex solidified. After their altercation neither of them talked to the other even when they met at Lily’s and their mother and little sister couldn’t get them to see eye to eye.
Alex thought her brother hated her for transitioning but he didn’t want to consider the pain she’d gone through before her transition before judging her. She felt that he saw it as irrelevant and it hurt which is why she saw no reason to bother with him anymore. She loved him but saw no reason to talk to someone who would only mock her and make no effort to understand.
Marshall meanwhile told Mel he thought what Alex was doing was weird and he didn’t want to associate with her. When Mel tried to point out how much better off Alex was this way Marshall had said he didn’t want to hear it.
“I’m not going to be brainwashed into believing my brother is a girl, so don’t start,” he’d told her.
“Why are you so stubborn?”
“I’m the one who is stubborn, look Mel if you want to believe Alex is your sister knock yourself out but don’t expect me to agree with you ok. I don’t like it and won’t pretend with you,” said Marshall before walking away.
As a result Alex began to visit her mother’s less often as she didn’t want to be the cause of another fight or argument or be stared at either. Her love life also took a blow too, weeks after putting their relationship on ice she’d bumped into Tommy at one of her favourite haunts with another girl. Just from his reaction on seeing her and the way he was holding the other girl Alex knew they were a couple. She turned and left, trying not to cry.
Tommy sent her a text.
“We should see other people. It was nice being with you but we’re not right for each other,” he wrote.
Alex was devastated. She knew Tommy had only broken up with her because of her status as a trans-woman which only made her pain worse.
Will I ever be happy she wondered repeatedly that night or was I born to be miserable?
Mel and Lindsay did their best to cheer her up and it worked to a point. Alex didn’t become depressed and continued to make progress with her life. She got a promotion at work for her sterling efforts on the project she’d been assigned and it meant a raise. Despite this she was lonely, she longed for someone to love and worry about.
Meanwhile Lindsay’s relationship with Donny who happened to be Tommy’s best friend was going like a house on fire. Lindsay told her they were in love. She thought he was the one and while Alex was happy for her friend it brought home just how alone she was. In a way her life felt empty and she wondered when that gaping hole would be filled.
Alex had become an attractive young woman but didn’t like going out to be seen to catch guys as she was afraid of getting another Tommy. She couldn’t see the point of going through that all over again. Her life became one of going to work then going home making a meal and taking a long bath before vegging out in front of the telly or reading a good book. She was quite content with her life aside from her estrangement from her brother. Weekends were about chilling at home and getting groceries. If Lindsay or Mel were around it meant they’d drag her shopping which was okay too. She drew the line at clubbing and that sort of thing. She just didn’t want to get hit on and then meet someone she liked who wouldn’t be able to handle her being mtf.
She rarely went to her mother’s because of her brother but called her regularly just to check in and let her know she was okay. Lily tried to get her to come over more often but Alex didn’t want another confrontation with her brother. This resulted in her missing her mother’s birthday as well as Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was just sick of being seen as a weirdo which deep down she suspected was how Marshall and even Lily saw her.
Time flew by and before she knew it, a year of Real life experience had passed by and she was eligible for surgery.
When she told her mother about qualifying for the surgery, Lily didn’t take too kindly to it.
“I think you’re going into this too fast,’ she told her child.
“I’ve needed this for years Mom, it’s long overdue,” Alex returned.
Lily shook her head.
“You could be making a mistake, how can this surgery be good for you?”
“I thought we discussed this,” Alex replied.
“No you told me and your brother and sister that you were a woman and that was that,” said Lily.
Alex’s mouth dropped open.
“What would you have me do? Continue being unhappy?”
“Sweetheart this surgery isn’t going to make you happy, let alone a woman,” Lily answered before taking a binder she’d compiled from her research.
“Please take a look at this,” she requested.
Alex took the proffered item and began leafing through it. It was full of articles about sex-change regret, unwanted outcomes and postulations from some doctors that the surgery was unwarranted and akin to mutilation. She patiently read it while her mother watched.
“This isn’t true in most cases Mom,” she said at the end, “there are studies that show that most people who go through this process properly are quite happy with the outcome even 10 years after the fact. These doctors are also a minority in the field. Most importantly I don’t want to carry on with a body I’m not comfortable with, I’ve felt like this since I was 5 and I’m tired of it, I’m a woman and I want my body to reflect that,” Alex opined.
“This surgery won’t make you a woman,” Lily replied, “no matter how much like a woman you may look like,’’ she insisted.
Alex shook her head, “It won’t make me a woman because I’ve always been one. I just want my body to reflect that,” she answered.
“You’re a man Alex, there are doctors who can help you see that,” said Lily.
Alex was stunned by her mother’s assertions. She stood up.
“Goodbye Mom,” she said.
“Alex,” said Lily.
“No, I get it you don’t see me as your daughter but I don’t have to sit here and listen to that,’ she said sadly.
She walked out of the house tears flowing down her cheeks. She drove home experiencing a variety of emotions. There was anger that her mother couldn’t accept her identity and it felt she was belittling what she’d gone through. She was also sad that her mother wasn’t behind her and simply didn’t understand what she was going through. Alex realised that she’d been hoping her mother would embrace her and accept her as her daughter; the reality of the situation was a crushing blow though. Her mother didn’t see her as a woman nor did her brother.
‘Did Mel agree with them too?’
She felt so alone.
Alex had her surgery the following weekend. She’d had last minute doubts which were no doubt exacerbated by her mother’s words but on the whole had remained convinced she needed to get it done. It was rather painful but Alex felt relieved she’d done it. It was a rite of passage she’d been so eager to undergo. Once again Lindsay was with her when she woke up. They talked about her journey to this point and Lindsay encouraged her no to give up on her family. Alex wasn’t so sure she could be bothered to fight for them anymore especially after her mother’s crushing opinions. She said she’d think about it. Lindsay looked at her askance but said nothing. To her surprise Mel showed up a few days after their conversation.
“Hey sis,” Mel began when she walked into her room, “Congratulations!”
Mel kissed her on the cheek and gave her a bunch of flowers.
“Hi Mel,” said a stunned Alex, wondering how she’d known.
After her conversation with Lily, Alex couldn’t bear facing any more rejection from her family over her decision. As a result she hadn’t told Mel about going for her surgery.
“Surprised? Lindsay told me,” continued Mel, “why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t,” said Alex, looking away.
“I thought we’d got past keeping secrets,” said Mel, sounding hurt.
“I wasn’t sure how you’d react,” said Alex softly.
“I’m your sister and I have always been behind you,” Mel retorted.
“I know and I’m sorry,” said Alex, her eyes watering up, “It’s just that when I told Mom, she said I was making a mistake,” she admitted.
Mel’s eyebrows shot up.
“She didn’t,” she murmured.
“She did, she says I’m a man,” said Alex softly, “and that there are doctors who could help me see that,” she finished.
Mel sat down next to her and placed an arm around her.
About a month or so after her surgery Alex stood in front of mirror in her birthday suit. Looking back at her was the woman she’d felt she was. She looked beautiful. Her full breasts sat proudly on her chest, while her waist tapered in before going out again as it met her hips. Gone were the hated parts that had caused her so much despair and in their place sat the lovely jewel she’d fought so hard to get.
‘Finally I’m whole’ she thought. This was what she’d longed for her entire life.
Her new vagina looked perfect.
She smiled at her image, feeling absolutely content with her body for the first time in her life. Alex loved the feeling. It was so good not to feel wrong anymore when she saw her reflection in the mirror. She wished she’d done this earlier in life. It wasn’t that she’d wanted a vagina per se it was more about being comfortable in her own skin. She’d known she was female from a young age before she knew about the difference between men and women down there, she’d had a vague sense of unease with the parts she’d been born with and with puberty it had only worsened to the point of considering chopping it off. She was sure men didn’t feel that way and it only reinforced her feelings of being a woman.
Ever since she’d had surgery Alex hadn’t been in contact with her mother. She felt there was nothing to say to her. Lily had called a number of times but Alex had ignored the calls, as she didn’t see the point of rehashing a topic that would only hurt her. She wanted to move forward with her life and as much as she loved her mother she felt Lily wanted her to be her son, someone she couldn’t be anymore.
Lily meanwhile was also upset about Alex getting the surgery, she wasn’t sure Alex would benefit from it and it seemed like a painful mutilation to her that didn’t serve any purpose. As such she thought Alex was making a mistake and had let her know. When Alex had turned and walked away after she’d said that she’d realised she’d hurt her. When Mel had come home and told her Alex had had the surgery without no complications a part of her had been relieved her child was ok while another part was saddened by the drastic action Alex had chosen. She tried getting in touch but Alex hadn’t picked up her phone which made her realise she was being ignored.
Lily wondered where she’d gone wrong with her child, had she neglected Alex after her husband passed away, had she failed to provide a strong male role model for her? Why hadn’t she noticed Alex’s depression? It broke her heart to realise that her child didn’t want to talk to her but she realised that she couldn’t force it.
She just prayed that Alex wouldn’t keep her out forever and that she could achieve some happiness.
To Be Continued
Reflections of the Heart 5
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And now, just before surgery, his family gets in the way!
All Rights Reserved.
This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.
Photo Credit:Sad Young Woman
Chapter Five
“Donny proposed,” a cheerful Lindsay announced to her friend.
She showed Alex the engagement ring.
“Oh, wow, congratulations!” Alex said before wrapping her best friend in a hug.
“I’m so happy,” said Lindsay.
“So am I this is great news sweetie,” Alex said as they held each other.
When they pulled apart Lindsay looked Alex in the eye.
“Would you be my maid of honour?”
Alex’s mouth fell open.
“Me,” she said staggered.
“Yes you, you’re my best friend. I don’t have any sisters and I think of you as the sister I never had,” replied Lindsay.
Alex was taken aback to say the least. It was her turn to cry, stunned by the honour her friend was bestowing upon her.
“Please say yes,” Lindsay added.
Alex nodded, “Of course. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me,” she said.
The women hugged each other again.
Alex didn’t disappoint as maid of honour. She helped her friend out with everything from going to every dress fitting to helping with the right colour scheme. Even though the run up to the wedding brought her in close contact with Tommy again as he was Donny’s best man she didn’t let it get in the way of her helping her bestie as she felt she owed her so much.
They met on the first day which was awkward.
“Hi,” said Tommy.
“Hey,” said Alex.
She remembered the breakup, how couldn’t she but she didn’t let it direct her actions as regards to her ex. For some reason her stomach felt odd, like she was nervous or something.
“So how are you keeping?” Tommy asked.
“Good, you?” Alex responded in what she hoped was a calm voice.
She made sure she didn’t touch her hair or give any other strange signals.
“Meh, so so. I can’t complain,” he remarked.
“That’s good,” said Alex.
Another awkward silence fell between them.
“Think we should put them out of their misery?” Donny asked his fianceé.
They were across the room watching the pair. They had both talked about the potential for discord between their friends but both of them had concluded they were mature enough to handle meeting each other again without fireworks.
“They seem to be okay,’’ Lindsay murmured, “Alex has moved on with her life. She’s gotten used to people rejecting her.”
Donny nodded, he’d been stunned when Tommy told him Alex had been born male and that he was dumping her. Being Lindsay’s boyfriend meant hearing Alex’s side of the story and he felt sorry for her.
Being transgendered sounded like a tough break. Now she was estranged from her family because of her gender issues too. He thought she was a remarkably strong woman.
Tommy nodded, at a loss for anything new to say.
Alex nodded then went off to the ladies. She found a stall and sat down before taking a deep breath. She sighed, realising she still liked the bastard. She sat there for what seemed an eternity as she tried to assess where these feelings came from.
Failing to find an answer she stood.
“I’m here for Lindsay,” she whispered to herself.
As a result Alex kept her cool around him and made sure she focused on her friend’s needs. She did her best to avoid him as much as was possible in such a situation which was next to impossible. Nothing happened though and soon enough the preps for the wedding were over.
The girls had a great hen night and before they knew it the morning of the wedding was upon them.
“Alex, I’m scared,” Lindsay murmured that morning after breakfast.
Alex sat down besides her friend.
She smiled, “I think that’s normal but the question you have to ask yourself is, are you scared your life’s changing and is the fear going to keep you away from Donny?”
“So it’s just nerves?”
Alex nodded, “You love this guy and I’ve never seen you so happy around anyone. It’s scary but listen to your heart and you’ll know what to do,” she whispered.
Lindsay hugged her pal.
“Thanks, I needed to hear that,” she murmured, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Hey what are friends for hon. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for your help,” Alex said softly.
Lindsay giggled, “Yeah, you used to be so clammed up actinng like something you weren't. I definitely prefer the new you,”
“You’re a true friend Linds,” Alex murmured.
The girls shared a teary moment and hugged again.
“Come on, let’s get you dressed, we can’t have you miss your big day,” said Alex moments later.
The wedding ceremony went well and Alex didn’t think she had ever seen her friend look so radiant and happy as she did that day.
At the reception Lindsay’s dad had danced with her during which time he thanked her for being such a good a friend to his daughter.
“You’re going to make some man very lucky one day,” he added leaving Alex red with embarrassment.
It seemed like the atmosphere of the wedding had got to Tommy because he approached her towards the end of the reception just before happy couple left. This was unexpected because he’d made sure to avoid talking to Alex during the entire ceremony and the day leading to it. Alex hadn’t wished to speak to him too which worked just fine for her so it was a surprise when he came over.
“May I have this dance?” Tommy asked, “For old time’s sake?”
Alex was stunned, unsure what he was getting at.
She surprised herself by giving him her hand. He led her to the dance floor where most couples were strutting their stuff.
They began dancing as ‘All of me’ by John Legend played.
“You look amazing,” Tommy whispered, making Alex blush slightly.
“Thanks Lindsay has got great taste,” Alex replied.
“I don’t know, she married Donny,” joked Tommy.
Alex giggled, “He is your friend too.”
“True. They look so happy though,” Tommy said.
“Yeah,” agreed Alex, eyeing the happy couple who were lost to the world as they talked to each other.
She sighed with longing.
“You want that too?”
“Who doesn’t?” Alex replied.
“I do too,” said Tommy softly, his voice husky.
It sent shivers down Alex’s spine.
He placed a finger under chin.
She seemed to freeze at his touch.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he murmured, “you’re the best girl I ever dated.”
She looked up into his eyes stunned by his words.
“Give me another chance Alex,” Tommy begged.
They had all but stopped dancing.
“You said it would be gay remember?”
“You’re not a guy anymore,” Tommy remarked looking into her grey eyes, “you had the surgery right?” Tommy finished, grinning.
Alex’s eyes flashed, “Oh I see. Now I’m good enough for you?”
She pulled away.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tommy protested.
“Just stay away from me,” Alex said putting up her hands.
“Alex,’’
“Leave me alone,” Alex replied, close to tears, “just go to hell Tommy, you broke my heart and told me I wasn’t woman enough for you. You made your choice, go live with it,” she whispered before turning on her heel.
The Sanders family was never the same again after Alex’s coming out. Her subsequent transition and surgeries had driven a wedge between her and Marshall before her mother’s inability to see how important transitioning was had forced Alex from her family circle.
Alex had not spoken to her brother for close to eighteen months. She hadn’t seen him since their altercation which had been before she’d become estranged from her mother about the surgery. Mel of course acted as the bridge between Alex and the rest of the family. She’d tell her mother what Alex was up to and do the same with Alex.
“Marshall’s getting married,” she told her one night over the phone.
“Really, that’s nice,” said Alex with a smile. Despite what had happened she still loved her family and hoped for the best for them. She just couldn’t be near them and their disapproval.
“Yeah, it is,” said Mel cheerfully.
“What’s the girls name, what does she do?” Alex asked.
“Her name is Kelly Moorcroft. She’s 26 a high school English teacher. She’s about my height, honey blonde with green eyes. She’s quite pretty and she’s nice too,” said Mel too.
“Are they in love?”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen Marshall so happy,” Mel replied.
Alex smiled, happy for her little brother.
“When is the wedding?”
“This June,” explained Mel.
What does Mom think of her?” Alex asked.
“She likes her, she says she's from a good family; apparently Kelly once lived in our neighbourhood as a kid.”
“No way, it’s that Kelly! I learnt with her brother Rob, we were lab partners for a semester when I was 14 then they moved away. He used to call her his annoying little sister,” recalled Alex, laughing, “It’s a small world.”
“Wow, I don’t think I remember them but that’s the one. Her brother’s called Rob. Apparently he’s married with two kids.” said Mel.
It was strange to hear that, Rob had a family. For some reason she felt empty and inadequate.
“I wish them all the best,” said Alex.
“It’d be better if you could tell them in person,” said Mel.
“You know that’s impossible,” said Alex.
Mel sighed, “I hate this,” she murmured, “can’t you make up with them,” she asked.
Alex sighed too, “I’d come if both of them didn’t think I was insane or if my skin was thick enough to take their disapproval but it’s never going to happen so it’s better off like this,” she explained sadly.
Since undergoing her final surgery Alex had felt a sense of wholeness unlike any other she’d ever felt before. For the first time in her life she was at peace with who she was and actually felt each day wasn’t a chore to live through but actually felt that each moment was worth savouring. Life was worth living and Alex lived her’s like the millions of other single young women out across the nation who hoped for a happy ending someday.
Becoming a woman wasn’t all sugar and spice. In fact it had cost Alex her family, people she loved deeply. In this day and age females still have a lower status than males and she’d given that up all in the hope that she could be true to how she felt. She would have to take medication for the rest of her days whilst living with the risk of prejudice every time someone new learnt her story.
Regardless she still thought it was worth it. All her life she had felt wronged by fate. Cheated out of girlhood and aching to be the girl her heart had told her she was. Now she was a reflection of the heart and it was amazing.
Alex thought about it every once in a while,
‘Life is a strange thing, if only because of its twists and turns all of them offering infinite possibilities.
I am sure there is a parallel universe out there somewhere where I was happy with my gender and am no doubt the man my body was designed to be.
This alternate me has everything I don't. A living father, supportive brother and he still calls his mother regularly.
Still, the more that I think about it the more realise this person isn't me. I am who I am.
Alexandra Sanders.
For the first time in my life I feel at home in my own body. It may be a clichéd but I am whole. Since cliché's are based on reality I think it’s a very appropriate one to use. Being female has been an overwhelming force in my life from the tender age of four.
I'd spent my entire life getting to grips with my identity and I nearly failed to live with it. How on earth could I expect my family to understand immediately understand what I’d been grappling with for over two decades.
I should know better than that. Unfortunately the heart has a lower bar than the brain. It expects unconditional support, anything less is tantamount to betrayal.
Did I feel like Mom and Marshall had betrayed me? So help me yes I did. They wouldn't open their eyes to see the person I'd become and nothing could convince me it wasn't because of their selfishness. After all they pined for the false version of me regardless of how miserable that made me.’
Lindsay’s marriage to Donny had given Alex a lot to think about. She realised she didn’t want to die alone and wondered how to find that special one.
She still thought about Tommy but didn’t regret her decision.
The way he had talked that night had all but guaranteed that he hadn’t really wanted her except to see how much of a woman she was. In Alex’s eyes only the surgery made her acceptable to him and that wasn’t good enough for her.
She had not given up on love though so despite her uncertainty about dating she joined a dating site and placed her details out there. At first she got lots of people checking out her profile but no solid hits which left her wondering if something was wrong with her or were guys shyer than she thought.
“It’s okay, there’s someone special waiting for you,” Lindsay told her when she told her about what she was doing.
“You think, I mean I have so much baggage. It’s so hard you know,” she admitted.
“I know but it’s worth it in the end. You’ll find someone,” said Lindsay with a smile, “I mean look at you, you’re gorgeous and you have a great personality on top of that,” her friend reassured.
“I’m also a transsexual,” Alex pointed out.
Lindsay smiled and shook her head, “You’re a woman as far I can see and any guy with a hang up about that wouldn’t be the right guy for you,” she added.
She was so proud of how Alex had turned out. She couldn’t believe this lovely woman had been that solemn, nerdy accountant she’d first met six years before. It was a remarkable change, one she was happy to have been a part of.
Alex wasn’t as optimistic as her buddy though but she was about to be surprised. One weekend after taking a trip to an out of town shopping mall that she’d heard had some specials, her car had developed a problem and she’d had to pull over.
This was one occasion where Alex was grateful she’d been raised as boy because when she popped the hood, she knew what to check for and she found the source of the problem in no time. She went to her trunk and took out her toolbox and started fixing it. As she was fixing it another car pulled over and parked in front of her.
A man and a little girl came out. Both of them walked over
“Is everything okay,” the man asked.
He was tall, with a medium build and a fresh face.
He had the bluest eyes Alex noted and the little girl seemed like a chip of the old block though her features were much finer than the man’s.
They had the same blond hair and the same eyes.
“I’m okay just having a bit of engine trouble,” said Alex slowly
“Hi,” said the little girl, “do you need any help? My dad’s real good with cars,” she explained.