Love and Old Books…Part 2

I head to do some running around after I bought my books and head home to my place and after I set out the ones that her blurbs and quotes made me want to read first I get myself ready for a good sit down and reading session.

Now for me that’s actually a nice pot of tea. I make a good sized pot of Red Rose and grab my favorite mug and turn on my radio to the town radio station. I like local radio, it tells me what’s going on more and more thee days and they play the real stuff that people are listening to.

I don’t like MTV or Much Music any more and to all those little shits who think it’s not for someone in their thirties to enjoy and I guess I’m doing it too slipping into the generation where I kind of hate the younger generations a little for fucking things up.

But just kinda.

I don’t want to feel that old.

I smile as I pick up the first book and Dire Straits is playing “The Bug.” And I settle in with the first book and linger looking at her writing, those loops and swirls just like the way the girls used to write in their notebooks back in high school.

It’s really pretty too and I love the parts she’s picked out for me to read.

Yeah, I know Valerie’s….

But I’ve lived in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver…other places too so I’ve seen all kinds of people and while seeing a girl like Valerie here is really different especially for Bellton which was plenty redneck back in my day and all sorts of hell for some of the gay or lesbian kids.

And y’know after reading the first book I’m way more impressed with the who and the what and the who’s actually someone I’d like to know more of.

Hey it’s 2012 so what to I do?

Yep I Google her.

I get her Facebook page for the shop and Valerie Duncan’s listed there as the proprietress and she doesn’t have an account for herself on Facebook but her page for the shop is very open she’s semi political very into LGBT friendly pages, lots of authors pages and books but movies and music too.

Okay we like a lot of the same things. And there’s pictures there of her too like her at concerts or there’s a couple of cons she’s been to and she’s done cosplay too. She actually has done a pretty smoking Rogue and a cute version of Kitty Pryde and a pretty close looking Kagome.

Yeah, I think I’m crushing a little or just having an uh-huh moment. As I get older I do find I am getting more and more of those light bulb moments.

Like the fact I’m considering actually asking her out just having met her.

See the thing about being older and being lonely is when you’ve spent that much time actually alone…and alone for so much of your life.

The lists of the things that matter gets really defined and short.

And she’s made me smile a few times just like this and I find her funny just from what I’ve seen and read on her page.

I leave a few comments on her pictures and what I thought of the first book. Then go make some supper.

I feel like a geek and kinda like a stalker. I mean I just met her and I really don’t know her yet really can’t get the idea of her out of my head.

Which again seems stalkery.

And dangerous.

Yeah dangerous.

I’ll admit to meeting a couple of people before that I was way more into that she was into me. Those didn’t go well. I was cheated on a few times….and there was Amanda…Amanda was very into the fact I was into her, that I treated her better than her last boyfriends.

She was also very into stuff…stuff WE should have at OUR place were I ended up paying the rent. So when she left me…moving out while I was working she took everything. Oh not just the stuff we bought “Together.” but anything else she wanted too.

Oddly some of it didn’t bother me. The fact she took some of my favorite things just out of spite…

Y’know the spite I don’t get either.

I called her and she was pissed at me.

“You’re not the guy I thought you were Ryan.”

Yeah…

I saw her with “The guy I wasn’t” once.

I’d seen him before with someone else. Meathead…the guy who’s priorities were…him, his car, his hair, his clothes then his girlfriends.

I took a job out west pretty soon after that.

So sort of not being that guy they’re looking for Most of the time has me hurt and scarred, scared too I’ll have to admit. You can only get kicked so many times right?

But then again on the other hand like I’ve said. When you get a sign of liking someone this strong do you just ignore it? I really don’t want to. I’m in my mid thirties…okay so I’m closer to forty.

Point is I don’t want to be one of those people who what-if themselves out of something great.

I actually hate cooking for myself but you do have to eat…I’m trying something healthy…and it’s sort of not too blec.

I take a green pepper and take the top off and knock out the seeds and then a pack of Uncle Ben’s rice the stuff already cooked that you just heat. I add some chopped mushrooms and slivered almonds and put it it the microwave to cook.

I’m healthy/not healthy but since moving I’m actually trying. Bought a Bo-flex and a mountain bike. I’m soooo not a runner. One, I’m not in the shape. Two, I’m way too self conscious to even try. I’m not hugely fat but yeah there’s enough for the whole thing to be embarrassing.

See girls, guys go through this stuff too.

And because I’m not Mr. Buff forget the gym. I did that in Calgary and you get looked at like WTF are you doing here? When they’re not being young little assholes.

I eat sitting and watching the news and actually try to keep in mind that I’m trying for a new start. I’m trying maybe even to have a life. And honestly try not to think about Valerie so much that it’s weird and trying not to dwell on being lonely.

About seven there’s nothing on except those entertainment tabloid shows so I head out to my garage and start working on my next piece.

I’m a welder by trade and I hire out to do piece work and I’ll drop off a resume at the foundry here in town and a few places for part time work but my full time work is a sculptor. Well sort of. I’m good at wrought iron and good at welding things to make new things.

I actually mostly do furniture and stuff. Wine racks and overhead pot racks for kitchens are something I turn out a lot of. But patio furniture and even some coffee tables too. I’m doing stainless right now since it’s big with the newer homes and I’m making a wine rack that’s a stainless steel box with a stained glass styled glass door to it in blues and greens a sort of hanging green grapes on the vine thing. It’s a commission piece and will be around a thousand bucks for me when it’s done.

Yes I do alright cash wise.

Not hugely well off but well enough that I get by really good. The part time work with the resumes is to keep busy.

I think about work when I’m working, I need that because I just think to much.

I get the welds done for the box itself and I’ll grind it out later but It’s late enough by the time I’m done all that so I shut stuff down and I go get a shower. It’s just about time for another cup of tea before bed so I get one made and sit in front of my computer to check things out and Valerie’s commented back on just about all of my comments.

I’ll spare the back and forth but we talk back and forth through different comments and talking actually about everything from movies to comics…yes I’m a huge geek…to food and places we’ve been.

She’s from Nova Scotia, Dartmouth actually and from the whole wrong side of the tracks thing. Heck even I’ve heard of Cole Harbor. She’s from a big family that she doesn’t talk to same one sister and a cousin the rest being not really that religious but still plenty hateful about her being her real self.

She left home early kicked out before she finished high school but she did finish it out in Windsor Ontario and she even went on to take her hairdressing course. She had to quit it because of becoming too sensitive to the fumes.

Yeah perms can smell pretty gross.

She’d spent some time down in the states before everything went to hell in a hand basket and came back after her work visa was denied after nine eleven. Her status made them think she was fishy or something. But she did like it down there and she’d been to Las Vegas and even out to California. She admitted to going to California mostly to say she’d actually been there than living out there.

Too many people for her.

I can see that, I’d likely be the same.

Me I tell her that basically it’s me and two older siblings and that we don’t even talk. My older sister hated home so much she married into one of those hillbilly she’s one of us now families thinking the guy she was with would be okay. He was a carpenter, he was also a drunk that couldn’t keep a job.

We stopped talking when I was twenty and beat the holy hell out of him. He told her the shut the fuck up in front of me…she told me se didn’t want me around after that so fine I thought and after moving and life we just drifted apart.

Valerie gave me a few frowny faces on those posts.

My older brother? Who knows. Last I heard he was in Springhill
Pen. I got so sick of people coming after me for his drug debts. I am not my brothers keeper. I love him, hell I love them both but…yeah so basically both our families suck.

My folks and grand folks are dead. Grandfolks just age, mom had breast cancer but died after dad who actually died of infection after he tangled with a bad case if that flesh eating bacteria stuff. He recovered from that but he had a secondary infection combined with getting pnemonia and it was just too much.

It’s long ago enough it doesn’t really bother me too much.

But the online hugs actually felt pretty good.

The thing is we really didn’t touch the her being TG stuff at all and we still just talked and talked and talked.

I was actually surprised when the sun came up.

[Wow, We’ve been talking for almost eight hours.]

[You’re easy to talk to Ryan.]

[Thanks.]

[I’ve never really talked this long with a guy in a long time.]

[Same here.]

[You talk to guys?]

[You know what I mean.]

[Yeah.]

[You know I was so nervous after meeting you at your store.]

[You nervous why?]

[Hmm, letsee Pretty, charming, funny, and quirky plus you’re into books and you actually talked to me like I was worth talking to.]

[You are worth talking to Ryan.]

[Not for a lot of girls.]

[I’m not like a lot of girls you know that right?]

[No you’re not you don’t seem to fit the mold of anyone that I’ve ever been with.]

[Well that’s for sure.]

[No, Valerie. You’re nice and actually genuine.]

[Other’s weren’t?]

[For awhile, some just…]

[Yeah, lots of guys like that too Ryan. I get it.]

[Sorry, I sound kind of creepy huh?]

[No. Lonely.]

Okay I’m not used to that and I don’t know if it’s talking like this online but I need a second to wipe at my eyes.

[Ryan?]

[Yeah, still here just taking a breath.]

[You okay?]

[Honestly?]

[Yes of course.]

[Not really, tired and not from being up all night.]

[I get that.]

[That’s what scares me.]

[Scares you?]

[Having someone say that.]

[Sorry?]

[Don’t be, it’s actually nice.]

[Nice?]

[Yeah, not really popular in high-school didn’t date much so getting that vibe of being scared by liking a girl’s kind of nice.]

[Oh, well honestly me too.]

[Good, I’m actually relieved.]

[I’ve been here on my laptop on my bed like the me I never got to be as a teenaged just like you.]

[Really?]

[Yes, really. Is it that out of the ordinary that a girl likes you like that?]

[Yes honestly.]

[Well they’re fucking retarded.]

That makes me laugh out loud.

[God Valerie thank you I really needed that.]

[Good! You’re too nice a guy to feel like that.]

[Thanks, I haven’t talked, laughed or smiled like this in… actually never.]

[Yay! I’m an original!]

[LoL!]

[Ryan?]

[Yes?]

[Can I see that smile in person?]

[Okay…like?]

[Come take me to breakfast?]

[Are you asking me out?]

[Sorta, are you saying yes?]

I’m actually bite my lower lip nervous but this is just too good to stop. I don’t want this to stop. It’s been too long since I’ve actually felt good about myself.

[I’m saying yes.]

[Yay! Pick me up at my place.]

[Where’s that?]

[I live in the basement of the store. It saves on rent and way easier to feed my pet C.H.U.D.]

[LoL, okay.]

I can't help but to type post.

[You do know that you asked me out and I’m picking you up?]

[All apart of my charm! I’ll see you in a bit I really need to shower and get cute.]

[I think you’re cute already.]

[Uh-huh spoken like a guy who hasn’t seen me in Mugly face.]

[Mugly face?]

[LoL! I’ll tell you when you get here.]

She logs off and I’m staring at the screen smiling, I have a breakfast date.

How the heck did that suddenly happen?

Love and Old Books…Part 3

I shower and get ready to go and pick up Valerie for breakfast. I’m nervous as I scrub really hard and stuff to get cleaned up and a bit more shampoo because I use head and shoulders I’m exposed to enough stuff working in the shop or outside that dry scalp is a problem sometimes.

I mean is this a date?

Should I be date nervous?

Do you wear cologne to a date that’s breakfast?

Okay that one I’m going with…no.

Okay I’m going with my deodorant being actually enough and I use an underarm stick and a spray. I use a trick one of my friends taught me and that’s a little shot spray of anti-persperant spray on you hands like just a little helps prevent sweaty hands.

Clothes are next and I really don’t have a huge wardrobe. Work clothes, ugly relaxing clothes…sweat’s, old clothes, red-neck knee length cut offs that guy stuff when we’re not planning on working on something where we need to be covered up. Then there winter stuff and some gifts and a few date clothes.

I hope I’m doing this right…

T-shirt but a plain grey one with no logos and my jean jacket it’s really old and all soft and supple and it’s still fresh from the drycleaners so I know it’s clean. Pants, a dark navy blue pair of pants and these are cotton like cargo pants just without the tons of pockets. I’m not a fan of nylon-polyester stuff like dress pants or slacks they’re uncomfortable and I only have them for my business or funeral suits. But I’m not wearing jeans…I have my denim jacket that’s enough really I’m not a Marlboro commercial.

And shoes not sneakers, not fancy dress shoes just a comfortable walking around pair of shoes. My dad had told me that shoes are important that if you don’t own some real shoes then it reflects on you…like mostly you’re not ready to be a grown up yet.

And I’ve read women do look at a guy’s footwear to check out what kind of guy he might be.

I’m not sure how that works but I’ve found that dad seemed to be right. Dress shoes are over the top unless you’re doing something that needs the whole outfit…and sneakers kind of say that you’re not really going to take this seriously.

No idea if that’s right but it’s been a good guideline.

I’m glad that my car is clean. I’ll admit to being one of those do it yourself carwash guys. I like a clean car just like I like my garage to be neat too.

I’m not a neat freak just sometimes I’m a neat freak.

I drive to the bookstore and she’s just locking the doors and I have to admit from here the view is really something. She’s in scrubs too which is a surprise but they offer a really great view of her shape and I bite my lip a little as I get out and go over to open the car door.

Yeah nervous, and she’s really pretty.

She come’s over leather jacket on over her scrubs and purse in hand and she smiles up at me. “Hey, morning.”

“Hey back. What’s with the scrubs?”

“I’m a nurse.”

“Oh, I thought you ran a used bookstore.”

“That too but selling books just doesn’t pay all of the bills so I have to have a second job.”

“Oh so where do you nurse at the hospital or someplace else.”

“I work over at Bishops Square.”

“I don’t know where or what that is.”

“It’s a mix of assisted living and nursing home.”

“Oh cool.”

“Sometimes, sad sometimes but mostly a little yorky and a little annoying.”

“Yorky?”

“Yeah like kinda makes you want to York sometimes.”

“Eww…I thought we were going to breakfast.”

“Sorry you’re going out with a nurse disgusting stuff’s sort of normal for us.”

“Like on TV with the coroner eating and stuff.”

“Sort of but that’s more a myth than anything.”

“Really?”

“Autopsies are like lab work more than anything else so they have to be pretty strict.”

“And now we’re talking about dead bodies…”

She bursts out laughing. “It’s got to be low blood sugar. Quick feed me before I get worse!”

I’m laughing and she get’s into my car and I close the door and go around and get in.

“So where too?”

“Frank’s place. You know that one?”

“Yeah the little diner out by the highway just off of the industrial park.”

“That’s the one.”

I take us there and I’m kind of happy that it’s where we’re going. I weld so I pick up a lot of my stuff down here and I’ve been here a few times since coming home. I’ve been here when I was younger too. Frank’s is one of those old school diners that the truckers like and the guys that work the places in the industrial part all go and eat at.

I like it because it’s not a Tim Horton’s or a Starbucks. I mostly hate anything that’s a chain kind of place. Yeah I still use them sometimes but chain places have killed more really great Mom and Pop places than I like. They’re just as bad as those big box stores.

It’s pretty packed here so I park on the other side and get out to get her door.

“You don’t have to do that Ryan.”

“Oh yes I do.”

“Oh yes you do?”

“I’m not going to be one of those guys.”

“Those guy’s?”

“You know the guys that just pull up and honk the horn. No way am I going to be one of those guys that I never could stand back in high school.”

“It’s not that bad Ryan.”

“Oh yes it is, see he gets away with that short cut he’ll get away with slacking off on other stuff…and usually will.”

“I’m just lucky that I get to go out, it’s not exactly a small town and people know about my past.”

“So…bad criminal record huh?” I smile as I open the door.

She blinks a minute and then she grins. “Yeah I was the queen of weed in high-school.”

“I must have went to school across the river because I smoked a lot of it back in high school.”

She looks at me. “Really you don’t seen the type?”

“I was a kid back then and thought it was cool, but a drug addict brother kind of pulled me out of it.”

“Oh?…..thanks.” I’m taking her jacket as we get a booth.

“Me and my friends would get something nearly everyday but my brother had no brakes he get some and he’d keep going until he owed money to the dealers then he’d cut out for awhile and the dealers came for me.”

“Ow, shit that sucks.”

“Yeah…and at first I took it too, I was kind of scared of what they’d do until they beat me up one time when there was nothing for them to take. After that it was…that’s it?”

“Getting beat up’s usually enough Ryan.”

“I’ve never been the skinny or even built athletic kid Val, what you see has pretty much been me all my life only I was actually a bit rounder then.”

“Okay…yeah kids can suck. Trust me I know all about that.”

I smile at her because yeah in the stuff she’s been through she’s been there too. I nod and we both take coffee’s. I take a sip…really decent coffee here, not fancy just good.

“Fat kids can’t really run so you best learn how to fight.”

“I was never good at fighting. Just never was part of me.” She sips hers and I can just imagine what she must have gone through on her end.

“Well I’m not going to say I was good at being a violent guy but I was used to being beat up and until then I took the abuse they dished out over my brother’s crap and once I figured that out I didn’t take it anymore.”

“You weren’t scared of them making things worse?”

“Not here, not with guys like that.”

“Huh?”

“They’ll beat you up, take your stuff and all that but they won’t kill you they won’t even hurt you enough to put you into the hospital they don’t want the cops involved over a debt that’s really not yours.”

“So…?”

“Like most bullies I stood up to them took my stuff back and found out that there were a couple of other guys he owed that didn’t come looking because it’s not on me to pay for what he did. The guys that ripped me off were pretty much the small fry little assholes and I got left alone.”

“Sounds rough.”

“Oh it was…I’d stopped all of that after I graduated but it stuck. I was violent and into drugs and my brother had his reputation and It just left me with that reputation.”

“I never knew. I mean you hear stuff but to hear it firsthand it’s different.”

I shrug. “Actually it’s not something I really talk about much. I’m really not that guy.”

Valerie smiles at me and it’s a really nice smile too. “You never were Ryan you were just a guy dumped into a situation you just did your best with.”

I blush. “Thanks Val, no one’s ever said that to me before.”

“Well I know a bit about not being the person that everyone thinks you are.”

I smile and she smiles back. It’s that just smiling at each other moment you read about in some romantic stories but you know it’s more than that. Just being out with someone that you can talk too, that gets you is amazing. Add in talking all night and then her smiling at you because…well I don’t know why really but she’s smiling at Me like a girl smiles at a guy she likes.

Yeah…I’ll take that.

Valerie actually makes me want to smile.

We both order the corned beef hash for breakfast which was kind of cool because we both said it at the same time. Now here in the Maritimes it’s tinned corned beef so it’s nothing like ordering thins in say Montreal.

No this is like a cured pressed ground meat that’s not really like anything else. It breaks down when you heat it but it’s not paste like it’s entirely it’s own thing. I guess if you broke canned ham up it’d be close to the texture but not the taste. The rest if cooked potatoes and some onion on the flat top and it’s mixed until the canned corn beef coats everything then they leave it on until it gets this crust on there.

My dad’s second favorite breakfast. Here you get it with a white pepper gravy on English muffins then they add the corned beef and then a poached egg on top with a runny yolk.

Seriously good.

And aside from the white pepper gravy here at Franks you can get this in just about every good diner from St. Johns to Digby.

It’s also very cool to eat with a girl that doesn’t shy away from eating. I’m trying to do the healthy stuff too but I still like to actually eat. And y’know nothing kind of makes you feel more self conscious than someone with you just sort of picking at your food.

The only thing that she does that gets me is the ketchup, the swimming in ketchup…kind of eating with ketchup.

I finish eating and have a second cup of coffee and she finishes and has one too but asks for it to go.

“Can I drop you off to work?”

“That’d be great It’d save the cost of a cab.”

“You don’t drive huh?” I get her jacket and hold it open for her to slip into getting another smile from her.

“Can’t afford it between upkeep, insurance and the price of gas.”

“I can get that, it’s expensive sometimes.”

“With the shop payments it’s too much for me.”

I pay as she gets her coffee ad she looks at me. “We could’ve gone dutch.”

“I’d rather have paid. Makes me feel good.”

“Really?” She asks as we head out and smiles at me again as I hold the door.

“Yeah, I can admit to feeling good when I get to do that. It’s like a guy thing.”

“A guy thing?”

“Yeah like I imagine there’s things that are kinda just girl things.”

“Well sort of gender’s pretty complicated really.”

“I’m pretty simple Val, I get this little high, this you did good feeling as a guy because of doing stuff like that.”

She gets into the car and I close her door and then get in. “Where to?”

She gives me directions and I drive and she drinks her coffee and she finally says. “There are a few things that say that, that do that for me.”

“Like?”

“Getting my hair done. I know typical right? But the way it feels for the whole deal going in and the environment it just feels female to me in a way I never really got.”

“I can see that, I mean to have the world say that you’re one way when you’re so not the person they think you are inside has to suck.”

“Suck’s kinda mild actually.”

“Sorry, I don’t really know the words for it. But I think anything that lets you feel like the person you are inside is great.”

“Yeah…beside having someone wash your hair rocks.”

“Actually yeah having someone was your head is pretty awesome.”

She nods grinning. “Yep it’s more the whole thing for me and stuff but there’s other stuff too that just kind of hits me with those really female defining moments. I mean there was a whole lot more when I was transitioning but there’s still stuff even now.”

“Like?”

“Fresh lipstick, that brand new tube feeling. Nice underwear, there’s something just so female about something slinky that’s new. And wearing a pretty dress. I’ll never not feel pretty and girly while wearing a dress.”

“I’d like to see all of that actually. The dress the make up…”

“Me in my underwear?”

“Actually yes but I’ll willing to wait.”

“Good because if we ever get to that I’ll want something new.”

It’s kind of sweet, it’s teasing each other but not and there’s that flirting element but not at the same time.

Lots of eye contact, well as much as I dare while driving.

I pull into her work and get out and open the car door for her and we’re getting a few looks from some nurses outside who are having a smoke while drinking their coffee.

Valerie looks at me and she closes the car door with a bump of her butt and she smiles. “I had the best night Ryan, really the best night in a long time.”

“It was for me too even if it was mostly online.”

“Don’t care.”

“Me neither.”

“Ryan?”

“Yes?”

“There’s something I know that makes me feel so right inside y’know.”

Okay…I’m not that slow on the uptake and really I’ve wanted to anyways now I can.

“I know.” I step up to her and I tilt her chin up with my thumb and I kiss her.

I kiss her long enough all the ones outside stop what they’re doing to watch us. I kiss her because I really, really want to…she wraps her arms around my neck before we’re done and that makes me feel really, really good.

She breaks the kiss and starts to head inside. “Call me?”

“Definitely!”

I watch her go and I lean on the car and just smiling.

I don’t think I knew how to smile like this.

Damn…

I’ve never wiped at my eyes before like this either.

Love and Old Books…Part Four

It was a few days before we saw each other again. We kept talking online about work and books and breakfasts some was on my computer but I wanted to be able to talk with her whenever so…I broke down and I bought a phone with texting…that was just.

I was at the Parker Place Mall after just getting my phone and I’m trying to text Valerie back with my big mits on this teeny tiny phone when hear her giggling.

“Oh My God!” She exclaims her hand over her mouth and giggling.

“What?” I’m hunched over still trying to hit the right keys.

“You look so cute trying that.” She smiles this sweet smile and comes over and looks upside down at my screen. “Who are you texting?”

“You, or I was. What are you doing here?”

“Payday I just killed my pay with my bills and stuff and was going to do some shopping.”

“Oh shopping.” I grin at her and put the damned phone away.

Val smacks me in my shoulder. “Hey….not that kind of shopping, I can’t afford that kind of shopping.”

“Really? Aren’t they going to report you to like the girl’s union or something?”

“No…and for your information there bucko not all girls shop like that even when we have the money.”

“Really? All my ex’s did.”

“And they likely still are and still going from guy to guy.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Buying stuff’s like any other addiction it fills a hole there somewhere in them and people like that aren’t likely going to be satisfied in any relationship.”

“And you?”

“I’ve learned enough life lessons to be grateful for the things I have and to be happy in the now.”

“In the now?”

She takes my arm and steers me around and we head inside the mall. “Yes in the now. We only live in the now and we can only make up mistakes in our past and there’s no point in worrying and fretting about the future because we can’t change that either so live in the now and don’t let either run or wreck your life.”

“Wow that’s really wise stuff.”

“It should be I’ve read all the Star Wars novels I’m practically a Jedi.”

I laugh. “Okay so what are we doing now?”

“Second date, you can go grocery shopping with me.”

“Oh, okay so tell me this….you ever been pushed in a shopping cart?”

Her eyes light up. “No…never.”

I laugh. “Then that’s definitely doable.”

“Doable…should I be buying condoms?” She giggles and I blush and she stops us at the entrance to the Super Store and kisses me softly.

God I love PDA…I never got a lot of it really.

“Let’s get a cart.” Valerie smiles pulling me by my hand.

We get a cart and she stands on the end and I sort of lean my weight oh the handle as I push her around the store. Yes we’re getting looks but it’s likely because we’re two thirty something’s acting like a couple pf teenagers.

But it’s okay because it’s fun and we’re not hurting anyone, we’re not racing around and we’ve never gotten to do this as teenagers.

I’m heading through produce and she’s beaming. “I love this y’know Ryan? I never really got to do this kind of thing.”

“I was just thinking the same thing actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s kinda cool.” She says it with a smile and we stop and look through the stuff there I get some things too. Bell peppers because their good to stuff, green apples because I just like them and some stuff I need to cook with like onions and some garlic and tomatoes, they’re on sale and in season too so I get a lot of those.

“You like tomatoes?”

“Love them, grew up eating toasted tomato sandwiches as a kid. Great replacement meal.”

“Replacement meal?”

“Dinner or something around that if I can have something like that instead of something fast food or microwaved it’ll help me cut back.”

“Ryan you’re not that bad.”

“Not as bad as I was…lonely and fast food and beer aren’t a good mix.”

Valerie comes over and she gives me a hug. “Depression and beer are never good Ryan, they lead to country music songs.”

“Hey what’s wrong with country.”

I burst out laughing just at the face that she makes. “Gack…everything right down to the gap teeth and hillbilly hip hop.”

“Oh come on some isn’t that bad.”

“Sure…right…No…there was no rock in my house growing up except for stuff my folks screened and that was pure crap.”

“Pure crap?”

Valerie stares at me all sort of fake serious. “Shaun Cassidy and The doo-run-run…”

I laugh some more. “Okay, okay that was pretty bad. So home stunted you music but there’s some really good bands and some really decent country out there.”

“You like country don’t you?” She’s got that look at being almost pouty mad disappointed with me.

“Some, I actually don’t like a whole lot of the new stuff in the last ten years or so. I’m still a rock and roll guy but I like both mostly because some really great bands cross genres.”

“Like?”

“Dr. Hook and the Traveling Medicine show.”

“I…I though that was a muppet?”

“That’s Dr. Teeth and they’re awesome too.”

“What’d they put out?”

“Tons of good tunes but Cover of the Rolling Stone was likely their most famous and Freakers Ball.”

“Oh I’m so lost I’ll have to you tube them and see stuff.”

“Well then you’ll want to try and see some more of their songs too then, actually one of my favorite bands.”

“Really? You never mentioned them when we were talking before.”

“Well there’s a lot of bands that didn’t get in that conversation.”

She nods. “True, you want to come over for supper?”

“Well, I’m driving you home right?”

“I was going to take a cab but since we met up here and your stuff’s in my cart…” She grins at me.

I smile back at her. “How about we cook together then?”

Valerie gets this look on her face it’s surprised and it’s also sort of happy too. She does this sexy and innocent little bite on her lower lip and says more quietly. “I’d really like that Ryan, I’ve always wanted to do that y’know.”

“It’s a good thing then?”

“Yeah…” She sounds like she’s misting up a little and then just steps over and hugs me. “It’s even better than you think…”

I hug her but it’s a tight hug, not hard but that one when you know your being hugged. She tucks her head into me a little and I smell her hair…god…there’s just something about getting to do something like that…just innocent yet intimate.

Makes you realize how much you miss and crave basic human contact after being alone so long. “Actually I think I do get it Val…kinda scary since I’m really afraid of moving to fast.”

“Ryan?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t change on me?”

I hug her a little tighter. “Ha, never I’m nearly forty I’m too tired to be one of those guys.”

“Good.” She sniffles and pulls up and looks at me and what guy doesn’t kiss the girl that’s in his arms looking at him with hopeful shiny eyes? I don’t care that we’re getting looks from the whole PDA thing either at this part of my life I want this, I want all of it. And I want a kiss to be a kiss when it’s like now.

Long and slow and over and over…you know how to kiss a girl like that…it’s like tasting a strawberry a soft slow sweet bite…you taste her lips…her. And over and over…a little smile should be forming on your lips just because you’re kissing her and the only reason the smile is little is because you’re kissing her again.

I’ve never actually gotten the chance to kiss a girl like this even with my ex’s. It’s not sex kissing or loving small kisses and pecks but real kissing.

When we break it we’re both blushing. And even more with some laughs and some giggling from her when the fact we have an audience dawns on us.

We go around the rest of the store getting odds and ends and the rest of her groceries and a few of mine. And we pool our money together and we head first to my place to drop off my stuff that I need to there and I give her a tour of the house.

She has this amused look while she looks around.

“What?”

“Oh I was just thinking this is a really nice place.”

“Yeah…right.” I grin at her.

Valerie smiles back. “Okay it’s neat and it’s clean but it’s still kinda a man space.”

“Uhm well I’m a guy.”

“Oh there’s nothing wrong with that…I mean it’s not a grunt cave but still…leather couches, glass and chrome, dark colors the big flat screen TV and all the home theater stereo stuff. It’s a guy’s place alright.”

“Hey I have lots of other things too like the laundry room and the bookshelves and the wine cabinet.”

“Like I said not a grunt cave but still really guy cave.”

I get the things I’m taking over. “Okay, I can’t wait to see your place.”

“Hey, I’m broke and live in the basement of a bookstore cut me some slack.”

“Ha! No way girlie I really want to see it now.”

We leave through my garage and I show Val my shop and it’s kind of nice that she appreciates the stuff I do in that way it’s as much art as it is work. “Y’know if they taught me this instead of the stuff they did in metal shop I might have not been as miserable.”

“Oh they never taught this in my schooling either I picked up the art side of this out in Vancouver.”

We get in the car and drive heading for her place. “Vancouver and you came back here?”

“Yeah I missed this side of the country, B.C.’s nice but it’s not the Maritimes.”

“I had to move here because it was where I could get the nursing job. It’s okay but hard to be back at the same time.”

I nod looking at her. “Small towns.”

“Yep…you saw some of the looks.”

“Yeah but I figured it was us being all smoochie in public.”

“Maybe but some of it was you kissing me.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, let them stare and be jealous.”

“Ryan….” She only sort of says it in protest the rest is some of that cute blushing and the shy smile.

I just raise my head a little and drive with a smile some more. It doesn’t take too long to get to her place. You can get to most places anywhere in town in about ten minutes by car really fifteen at the max.

I help take in the groceries and she lets us is and we head down a set of stairs that are actually already promising. There’s wood paneling on the walls a two banister railings on the way down and a decent sized light fixture. There’s even a little hall bit/foyer thing with a closet at the end of it and her actual apartment door on one side.

“Hey this is nice too, the other owners used to rent this out?”

“I think so. You haven’t seen the inside yet so brace yourself.”

She lets us inside and I like it.

Hardwood click flooring that’s fairly new, old but decent appliances and sheet-rock walls with a sort of very light yellow paint on them and nice plain white board trim. The decorations are mostly girly with knick knacks and pictures on a few walls like the big photos and some real painting art on the other the rest is bookshelves and she’s got a box TV with a big shelving unit and lots of movies in DVD and VHS I do see a VCR there and she’s even got a Nintendo machine.

Her stuff’s older but just as geek-centric ad there’s a lot of second and third hand stuff but it’s really…there’s something cozy here. Old quilts covering her couch, the afghan at the foot of it. It even smells nice in that girl’s place way…potpourri that’s somewhere but old, scented candles sort of the same way, dryer sheets and the residual scent of girl and girly bathroom products in the place steeped and just accented with the smell of old books.

“I like this, it’s nice.”

Val smiles and gestures around. “It’s small, but it’s mine…well till it’s paid for.”

“I like it, it feels warm here.”

She looks at me and I can tell there’s this look there that say’s to me….lonely too.

Her place is the same as mine in one major thing.

Neither of us have pictures of us with people there, there’s no personal pictures really around. The few photos I have on file are of past relationships and painful stuff I really don’t want to remember.

Valerie puts on some music and it’s the local rock station which I don’t mind it’s older real rock so no Beiber or Hanson or Jonas stuff and no Call me maybe either…I head into the kitchen to help put things away and “These eyes.” By The Guess Who.

Good tune.

We put her groceries away together and we start making supper. You want a great cooking together supper thing? Spaghetti sauce. Canned tomatoes cooked down in good olive oil, some fine onion and sliced garlic, mushrooms and a hit of fennel seed and chili flakes. There’s slicing and talking and peeling and cutting and tasting…there’s just something sexy about taking a spoonful of the sauce as it’s cooking and feeding her a taste gently with your hand under the spoon.

And Italian food can be sexy.

Or her making a salad and feeding you a bite of it to taste.

Just doing stuff like this together…it’s the together that makes it so good.

Spaghetti with that spicy sauce, a salad with romaine and ribbons of yellow zucchini and carrots shaved in with a peeler. Garlic bread made with crumbled Italian sausage on it and mozzarella to get all melty.

Dessert I make and that’s a white cake out of the box by Betty Crocker in a casserole dish and once it’s in and baking I mix up some boxed coconut cream pie filling and when the cake’s about three quarters done I pull it out and use a spoon to mess it up some and pour the filling over it and put it back in.

“What is that?” Val asks over my shoulder. I turn and feed her some of the stuff on the spoon. “Coconut cream pudding cake.”

“Mmmm…wow…that’s really good.”

“Wait till the cake’s done and let it set up and it’ll be better.”

“Mmmm…I love a guy that can cook.”

“Good, because I like having someone to cook for.”

We sort of just stare at each other a little and there’s shy smiles and we finish getting everything ready and eat supper together on her couch talking and laughing and of all things watching Big Trouble in Little China.

It’s an amazing second date.

And it’s where I think we both knew we were going someplace with this.

………………………………....Our dates are strange dates. And we’re taking things slow but after that second date and curling up together watching movies and napping only to wake up to do the dishes and then eat dessert. We knew…I knew and taking our time was something we were both good with.

Our third date was a picnic during her lunch break at work, we sat on the bench outside and I played the radio in my car and we ate take out Chinese and I rubbed her feet and she entertained me with funny and disturbing nursing tales.

Date four was her coming over to my place out of the blue and I was reading and she was out for a bike ride. That turned into me getting my bike and us going out on a ride and a sort of picnic. No food but hot chocolate from Tim Horton’s and her I-pod and we took a couple of my sleeping bags and we found a spot on the side of the hill in the park and we just laid there together and did nothing all cozy and stuff under a maple tree.

God that alone was nearly a perfect day…but she even makes it better.

Well not nothing we just watched the world be the world and snuggled up to good music and kissed…we kissed a lot and got into some very sweet and hot touching too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a woman that arouses me like Valerie does.

It’s been a long time since I was a horny teen that I’ve woken up at night aroused from dreaming of a girl.

I dream of Valerie.

We don’t even do the dinner out and the movies until our ninth date out.

It’s our tenth anniversary date when we’re finally together and it was our first overnight well weekend away together and I took us to Charlottetown over on Prince Edward Island for a real get away and we did the tourist thing, like a mini vacation. It was getting to the end of the season and I rented a cottage…Valerie said then. “Ryan…just one bed if that’s okay?”

We did the Anne of Green Gables thing not really my deal but she wanted to and I kinda did just to say I’ve been. We went to check thrift places and old book stores and she got some rare Nancy Drew hard covers and literally a couple of boxes of other books. I like books but Valerie loves them really loves them and I love the way they make her so happy.

Supper was a quiet one where I had bought some lobsters and made some salad. I served it on a quilt on our cottage deck I even sent her beach combing for shells and beach glass while I shelled it all and got everything ready and even had candles lit inside. Just potpourri and mostly those little tea lights where I could set them it really wasn’t fancy.

But she cried anyway.

It was beautiful, post op she’s no different than any other girl I’ve ever been with…but at the same time she’s completely different. It’s slower for both of us. She needs to adjust…and we’re both shy and self conscious and even when we fit together it’s slow and tender. And there’s no ego…we both nuzzle and kiss and touch and tell each other where…and what we need.

It might not be all manly but I cry…Her and me finally together, and seeing Valerie come alive in a way I’ve never seen. Like this, like us together completed something hidden inside her and the light inside her face, in her eyes just blows me away.

This funny, odd, kooky, off beat, brazen and shy nerdy girl…

She’s the most precious and beautiful thing in the world to me.

Love and Old Books…Finale

It changed everything that weekend and I mean it changed everything…

I will remember that night forever but the next day too. I woke up and it was chilly even with it being summer but the smell of the water coming in off the beach was still heavy in the air and there’s nothing like it really the smell of salt water that close. It mixed with the sounds of the waves hitting the beach and the smell of us, of Valerie sleeping there beside me.

I rubbed some more thankful, so thankful wetness from my eyes with my thumb and then I rolled over and spooned her wrapping an arm around her and the blankets and just holding her.

Smelling her skin, her hair.

There are some perfect moments in this world.

Part of me wants to do the gallant thing and get up and make her breakfast in bed and another part of me just wants to be her with her holding her. I opt for staying put right where I am because it’s so nice just right here and actually I never thought ahead to making breakfast here at the cottage so there’s the leftover lobsters and some salad fixings left.

I just stay there until I am rewarded with her waking up and I hear that little yawny breathe and the Mmmm…and the sigh as she shuffles back into me more.

“Thank god.” She sort of says sleepily.

“Hmmm what?”

“I was sort of scared last night was a dream.”

“No, it was real and it was beautiful.”

“Yeah it really was Ryan; it was the best weekend of my life.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…before this I was alone. And when I was transitioning the few people that I screwed up enough courage to be with weren’t healthy people to be around.”

“I get that, I’ve had some really bad ex’s.”

“Mine…well when you’re going through things like I was your self esteem takes some really bad hits…when people treat you and tell you stuff for so long it starts to stick.”

“I’ve been there…not as bad but I’ve been there.”

“I’ve been so broken deep down for so long Ryan I don’t know what to do now.”

“Well…how about shower and then we get ready and head out and stop somewhere for a nice breakfast?”

“Okay.”

She rolls over and we’re looking at each other and it’s really open and it’s really shy and hard too. I meant it when I say I get some of what she’s talking about. I can only imagine what she’s been through just so she could finally be herself.

I am going to make it better…I can’t fix that stuff for her but maybe I can be worth it? I want to be worth it. I’m not prince charming or any of that stuff but maybe I can be the person…

I want to be the person who carries her off that ride she’s so sick of being on. Y’know when life’s just been so extra lifey that all you want to do is get off that ride because it stopped being fun a long time ago.

I reach over and brush some of her hair out of her eyes and I lean in and softly kiss her…those sweet little over and over kisses until she does this cute little satisfied sigh from her nose.

We get up and share a few more kisses and we’re even shy about being naked in front of each other out of the bed so sheets it is.

Women…or maybe the right woman can take something as simple as a bed sheet and make it look beautiful on her.

She’s getting the water hot in the shower when I sneak a picture of her like that the blanket tucked around her and her hair messy but not it’s more just hanging down in this really natural way…and she’s just stunning like that. Yes I’m biased definitely but even artistically it’s true.

I know I should’ve asked but she might have been shocked or too self conscious to get just this shot. I’m taking picture more since I’ve started seeing Val. I want them; I want connection and want for us to have history.

I put the camera away and take my turn in the shower while she’s getting dressed and her make up on. We leave the sign for the place to be made up by the staff here and I take the rest of the food with us I bought fifty dollars worth of lobsters and getting them off the dock like dad did instead of the lobster pound let me get about a dozen small markets or medium lobsters and we used only four of them last night. I take a couple of garbage bags there from under the sink and fill them with some ice from the fridge and put the bag of lobsters in there until I can get to by a styrofoam cooler.

I do take the trash outside of the cottage though because I don’t know when they come to do the place up and I don’t want to leave that smell there.

I stop by the office to get my deposit and we head off to get some breakfast. There’s a nice little sort of mom and pop coffee shop we pass as we’re driving through town and we stop there and we have blueberry French toast and coffee. I’m not a huge fan of blueberries having raked a ton of them as a kid but at the same time when their done right.

This is really thick cut bread that’s been pre-toasted and then they soak it in the egg before frying it on the flat top then they slice it partway open and they put some cream cheese inside and when they serve it it’s with like stewed blueberries like a blueberry short cake and they toss some fresh ones on to finish it and some powdered sugar to garnish it.

We get a few slices of bacon on the side and we split one order of the French toast because it’s really huge like a two inch thick slice of homemade bread. It’s really good though and I might just steal the idea.

Good coffees and a bathroom break and we’re good until we get to Borden where the Confederation Bridge is and we stop for gas there and I get a cooler for the lobsters.

I know this neck of the province really well so I get off the bridge and take a right at the overpass and head out through the old roads that take you up through the real southern most part of the Acadian coast. It’s a neat drive if you’ve never been with the fishermen’s homes and the drying and smoking houses in Petit-Cap or as the locals call it Little cape and then into Cap-Pele which is another bigger village and home to some lobster men and some herring processors and a crab plant but also Bell-Aire take out.

It’s open so I stop in with her and it’s changed a little it’s a bit bigger now but still that M’mere and Gran-Pere places that do old hand cut fish and chips and have been for three generations. It’s not the fish though as good as it is here but the clams…local picked and shucked cherry stone or belly clams and just done right…like make you eyes roll back in your head right.

Dad always stopped here and so did I as a teenager when we’d go to see bands just up the old road in Shediac…I saw Bryan Adams and Meatloaf and Loverboy place in Shediac at Parlee beach. But we always came here for the food. Actually the food here even then is that good I saw Kim Mitchell here out on the patio back then with his band back when he had “Patio lanterns.” On the charts.

While we’re waiting I’m telling her about some of the stuff I used to do down here and the things we saw as kids and show her some of the pictures they have behind the counter of people who’ve stopped here that are famous.

Valerie likes the clams though not her favorite thing which is good to know but she eats all of her fries and half of mine. Yeah I think fries are a girl thing but these are perfect with those dark brown edges but the rest being just this dark golden color and they’re seasoned with Acadian seasoning…mostly salt and white pepper but there’s some sugar there too and a little onion powder…not enough to notice unless you know that it’s in it but it does make you go hmmm…when you eat a chip.

I really should call them chips, they’re not fries these are hand cut with a paring knife here no chip maker here.

It’s a bit early but it’s a well worth it pit stop.

Shediac…we’ll I drive through it and Shediac is nice but it’s really touristy but I do stop us off at the giant lobster for pictures. It’s the thing for the town, it’s a lobster fishing town so they have this huge concrete lobster there that is enameled and painted to look like the real thing.

That she loves.

The rest is pretty much hitting the highway once we get to Moncton and then it’s a long drive home so a stop for a coffee and a bathroom break and we head back home with the windows down some and the stereo playing.

It’s just past seven when we pull into her place and we sit and we look at each other.

“I had a really great time Ryan…”

“I did too; part of me doesn’t really want this to stop.”

“I know but…it’s…I don’t want to rush this and jinx it.”

I lean over and kiss her softly. “We won’t, we just take it slow and get past stuff like this.”

“This?”

“Not knowing what to do or say after the weekend we had. I have no idea what to do right now.”

Valerie laughs a bit and smiles as she tilts her head back closing her eyes. “Thank god it wasn’t just me.”

“No not just you I pulled up here and my brain said now what? And promptly shut off.”

“Well you’re doing pretty good.”

“You’re worth striving for.”

“Ryan……” Her eyes widened and her breath caught… “No I’m…”

“You’re amazing, and funny and smart and quirky and beautiful.”

“No I not I’m a mess inside and out!” She’s getting embarrassed and blushing and sort of hiding her face in her hands but she’s sort of smiling too through all of it.

“I’m messed up; life’s messy Valerie we make a pretty good fit if that’s the case.”

“But I’m…”

I cut her off with a leaned forward long deep kiss and break it when we’re running out of air. “Yes, yes you are.”

“Ryan…” She says my name with a breathy sigh and it is such a sound…

We kiss again and soon it’s more and more kissing and it’s the desperate lonely people kissing falling into that almost teenaged dating making out kissing and before long we’re there in the dark together and she finally stops me.

“I’m sorry…sorry but I have to work tomorrow…” She’s breathless and beautiful and her make up’s a mess and she still looks perfect.

“Okay…yeah me too.”

I help her out of the car and get the bags and she’s hurrying downstairs way ahead of me and we hit a milestone in Us…a funny one too and some people don’t think it’s big but you get to another spot in a relationship when the person you’re with goes to the bathroom and you know it.

I break out laughing when she says out loud. “Ohhh…damn too much coffee.”

The eep she did and then the giggling after was pretty awesome too. We kiss and she walks me back upstairs to the car and have another kiss.

I turn to leave and then turn and walk the few steps I took away and kiss Valerie deeply and passionately and over and over leaning us against her doorway until we get to that need to come up for air thing again.

I think my eyes are glassy from that whole high of kissing her and being with her and I walk backwards to my car while she watches me and I open the car door. “I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch?”

“Please!?”

I get in and I head home and after unpacking my stuff and putting the lobsters in the fridge I hit the bed and sort of partly sleep…partly dream of Val and partly miss her already.

I sleep in a little late…I did wake up early and for a bit I wavered over the phone and calling her to see if she needed picked up to go to work. But I really don’t want to push it or to smother the embers we have no matter how hot they seem right now.

So I get to work on some of my orders and even start working on several other things that I want to try to make and that I need to sell.

And I spend some time on my computer too mostly looking for some of the things that I want…

God am I crazy already I’m thinking as I pre-order…Brilliant Earth…heart shaped…yes…okay just the stone first. I reserve that and I’ll get the size later.

Okay after that I needed a drive so I went to get just a few things that I need.

I make lobster rolls for her and some for the girls at her work. To me one of the jobs a boyfriend should do is to do unexpected cool or caring things so that she can be all yay! And then make them sort of jealous too.

I get a good sub bun for her from Subway subs and I bought some soft dinner rolls at the grocery store and a can of shrimp and some real butter and some celery salt and some cream cheese and some potato chips.

My grandmother on my Dad’s side made the best lobster rolls and I’ve never forgotten them first you take the canned shrimp and drain them a bit you still want it fairly damp and you mash it to smooth bits with a fork and then you add a teaspoon of sugar…yes you want this slightly sweet thing going on…it doesn’t stay sweet since you add the shrimp can full of mayo/miracle whip to the mixture and a little bit of black pepper and a quarter cup of the cream cheese. I just loosely mix it and let it sit. The flavors all mix and the sugar gets mostly blended away. While that’s going on I put butter and some of the celery salt in the microwave and melt it.

Then it’s just shucking out the lobster meat and I put on a pot of water for the shells and bodies to make stock…lobster doesn’t freeze well not even cold packs but the stock does and that’ll make a kick butt chowder sometime. And at the price I’m still not tossing it away.

Sorry off track…

I brush the rolls with the melted butter and the celery salt and toast them and the sub bun and not lettuce just the lobster…but it’s all big chunks and by the time it stir it all in their coated in this cream cheese sweetened shrimp mixture and that shrimp just sort of pushes it over that line of good to great with the hint of celery without the celery and the butter and the toasty and everything.

I make Val’s the sub-bun which is the honey oat whole wheat one and cut on the bias with two sections and a couple of lobster tails I save out just for her and a big handful of potato chips in a little sandwich baggy and put it into a Tupperware container and do the same with these little two by two inch dinner rolls mini lobster rolls and a separate container for the rest of the chips and I head in a bit early.

I get three red roses in a mini bouquet thing too really quickly at the flower shop and head inside about five minutes or so before her break.

“Hey you.” I say when I come up to the nurse’s station with a smile and she comes over with a smile and there’s some interested and nosy looks.

“Hey…” She smiles this big smile seeing me. It feels so good getting that smile, when someone that you’re in love with is happy to see you. “You’re early?”

“Just a little, I wanted to catch you while the other girls were around.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I made dinner and I thought it’d be neighborly if I dropped off a little something for the girls here too so they wouldn’t feel left out.”

“Oh what?”

I pass her the Tupperware for them and the thing with the chips inside. Valerie takes it and she opens it and coos. “Lobster rolls!”

“I have yours right her and…” I pass her the three roses. She takes them blushing and smiling and there’s that look of this teenaged girl in her eyes like she’s getting to show off in front of all the other girls.

I kiss her long and sweetly. “Thank you for the amazing weekend on The Island.” Oh if you’re from here when people say The Island they assume its P.E.I. She kisses me back and she takes my arm and we head out. The other nurses are already tearing into the mini-rolls and we wave as we head outside to sit on the bench and I turn the radio on and she kisses me pressing me against the car.

“You know that you’re wonderful right?” God I could live forever in that light there coming off of her.

“Well…”

“You did this on purpose didn’t you?”

“Yes…” I grin at her.

“No one’s ever done anything like this for me Ryan ever…” She’s smiling but tearing up and I wipe them away.

“Well that’s their damned stupidity, I can see a beautiful amazing woman that makes me feel happy, really happy for the first time in a long, long time…You deserve to be treated and cared for.”

“No one’s cared before until now.”

I hug her tight and pull her into a kiss and sit us down in our spot at the bench. “Just because no one had Valerie it doesn’t mean that you never deserved it.”

“But…But…”

“You my girl have a nice butt.” She giggles and blushes. I smile at her and tuck some hair away. “You’ve always deserved to be treated like this Val.”

She ducks her head and blushes and I hold her for a bit before opening her food and waving it under her nose. “These are my dad’s mother’s recipe.”

She liked them.

……………………………………That was our big weekend and the start of the big stuff in our relationship. It was also when we started to stop questioning the how we just seemed to click together and just start to just enjoy each other.

We still ended up working me getting my stuff out and then taking the odd on-call in job at shops and even doing some dog carts. No…I’m not being cliché but they’re for dogsledders…they train their dogs in cold fall weather off season so it’s sort of like a dogsled with wheels. They sell them online in a few places and there’s none close by and with northern New Brunswick only a few hours away plus Maine and Quebec being close I make some pretty quick money welding together a few and selling them a hundred to a hundred and twenty bucks cheaper than average.

Mine are recycled scrap metals that I get from various places when I’m looking for other parts for my pieces when I don’t want to order something. Old mountain bike frames are good for this.

Money’s kind of needed more than usual now.

But even working and with the her at the store we have a pretty decent amount of time together since I’m able to work when I want to being self employed. Okay sometimes it’s three in the morning but sometimes that’s when I do my best work.

But the old days of just working to keep busy are fading fast.

It’s really nice to have a life…to have somebody. We stay close to each other and close to home during the week Val works eight shifts on then six days off every two weeks and she gets at least every second weekend off so that’s great and she has the store open during the evenings after she gets off work so I’m usually over there and we do actually read stuff together as much as we make out.

I wonder what the customers think of the couch behind the cash now. We spend a lot of time there. We have a stereo and a laptop there too and some of the best evenings I think are the ones where she’s lying there with me and we’re watching some movies or just reading.

I actually have showed her some really great books too. The Xanth novels have her giggling and even snorting a little.

Giggly girl snorts are adorable especially when she gets all embarrassed and covers her face after doing that.

Everything is fun, better.

You know how many things you don’t do just because you’re alone and feel what’s the point. Valerie is….even when we’re apart we’re together. Facebook some times, PM’s and e-mails even just on speaker phone sometimes.

But there’s so much I want to do with her, to show her. Have with her too.

We go biking sometimes just because we can and it’s way more fun together. Not cycling…that’s a sport we just hop on regular bikes and go. Not that there’s anything wrong with the other. Actually Valerie knows a lot about that and she follows it sometimes.

We do lazy things like go for long walks or spend a Saturday morning in Elliot’s this little hipster popular café and we nurse coffees and sit on the love seat there and read the Saturday newspapers deciding on what to do the rest of the day.

Sometimes Sundays are the farmers market or yard sales. I actually like both because the farmers markets support local stuff a whole lot so it just feels good to shop there and yard sales sometimes have things that I want for work. Like those old decorated tin TV dinner tables. Valerie actually came up with the thought of making them into lunch boxes by bending them. So now you can find them on my website to buy.

She’s got a good eye for things like deals and clothes and quilts and stuff and me…I love holding her hand and us just being us as we do these things.

It was a month though after our weekend trip to the island before we slept together again. Yes really…who’s place? When? After? All that stuff really. We tried it at my place first…the whole thing was nice but she hates my bed. Actually my bed fit’s the rest of my place and the whole guy place look and feel of it. All the other times have been me staying over at her place and even though it’s small it’s Val’s.

I could sleep forever in that bed with her.

Big step two came in September when I take my bed back and the couch and the chairs to the store. They’re still on payments but they’re pretty good about it. The sales guy gets that single guy furniture isn’t couples furniture.

So I get Valerie to help me pick out stuff with me we both like.

I swear the little things like that makes her so happy.

I do get why, and making her happy and her letting me know…it means a lot.

Yes…a lot. I’m that insecure that her telling me when I did good matters a whole lot. I’ll never really admit it just like every other guy out there but to me after some bad relationships and a youth and teen life of not being one of the accepted guys. I can’t really put into words the way it feels when she looks at me and she’s happy…and hearing it…

I had some…some of the ex’s were the this is owed me type of girls and a couple were sort of nice but at the same time…distant?

All I’ve ever wanted was give and take, fifty-fifty…someone who’s as grateful to have me and of the things that I do as I am of having her in my life and all the things she does for me.

Valerie…

When I look over ay her and she’s getting something from some little old lady at a yard sale table and looks over at me and just smiles at me because…just because. It will hit me so hard that I’m so much in love with her It hurts…that achy good being brought to tears oh my god experience.

She gives me that smile because we’re picking out furniture together.

It’s why I try stuff with her…

Date weekend in Moncton to go to the bowling alley over in Riverview just so we can go on an actual roller-skating date. But Moncton’s great for the whole weekend with Magnetic Hill…it’s an optical illusion where you put the car in neutral and you seem to be going uphill by coasting. I haven’t been there since I was like seven or eight and the same for her. Then there’s the zoo there and it’s worth it just to see the animals and to walk together with her through the place. There’s shopping at Champlain Mall and pizza from Vito’s which is a landmark place to eat in Moncton and honestly only iffy unless you get their pepperoni pizza. Thin crust, lots of sauce, and their house pepperoni which is on it in two ways ground up almost like hamburger and their four inch wide slices…there’s a lot of bars in Moncton so we actually went out bar hopping and dancing taking cabs and having fun with people we don’t know that first night we were there.

It was fun, I’m not a drinker not anymore and neither is Val but we had enough for a fun night that we hadn’t had for at least five years for me and seven for her since either of us went to a bar.

She looks damned good in a little black dress and stockings and heels.

Actually it was my first time with a girl that wore stockings and the garter belt and the sexy fancy playboy bunny lingerie. It was the first time a woman had ever given me oral sex too…All I can say is wow…no WOW and really that doesn’t cover it at all.

Saturday night I returned the favor for my first time too and just like I’d have said last night. She said it was an intimate thing she thought she’d never get to try. She was so nervous and scared…because of the way she used to be she didn’t know if it’d be okay.

It was more than okay, actually the way she moved and cried out once she started to feel things over her nervousness was such a turn on. I think I did good…I’ve read a lot of steamy porn stories in my years with more than enough long drawn out slow scenes to try some of that myself.

Guys…if she’ll let you do…

And staying at the Delta Moncton, which was bought and renamed that but it’s the oldest and nicest hotel in Moncton meant a really nice bed and sleeping in that Sunday morning with room service. That was another first for both of us having room service together and being all romantic and loving and we even made love again that morning before getting showered and heading home.

October came fast and it was one of the best months I had in a long, long time…First we did Thanksgiving together at my place. There’s only the two of us but we cooked a turkey anyway. I did stuff from home where my house was right across the yard from my dads folks and we’d all eat over at my grandparents.

Val cried.

Fighting most of her youth with being different for who she was she didn’t have a lot of good family holiday memories. It was just more people telling her she was wrong being who she was. You shouldn’t get picked on by your cousins for being gay and your parents should at least stand the hell up for you when your Aunt tells your mother she shouldn’t have ever had you.

I slid my arms around her as she was setting up the table…she had stopped and had been just sitting there lost in thought and bad memories. I know they were the bad ones…her eyes get a shade darker almost when she’s hurting like something’s clouding over the light inside her.

“I kind of pretty much hate your family.”

She sort of bitter laughed. “Yeah me too…I’m sorry just sometimes it’s all still there…”

“You never have to be sorry honey. It’s part of who you are and I love who you are.”

“Even the broken stuff huh…Ryan I don’t even know how to have a functional holiday.”

“Yes even with all the broken stuff. I get to hold you and kiss you…(I kiss the nape of her neck.)…and give you presents.”

“Presents?”

“Yeah…” I kiss the nape of her neck again and smile on her skin and take out a ring box. “I though since we’re really going steady and then some and I really am so thankful that this would be a nice thing for us.”

Her breath catches and she open the box. No, it’s not the big engagement ring thing but the first jewelry I bought her, I bought us and in the box are two Claddagh rings. His and hers in the silver band style and that celtic braid style around it. I had inscribed inside. ~You’ll always be holding my heart.~

“Ryan…”

“I thought that the words fit both of us.”

“Ryan…” Her voice gets all shaky and weepy.

I hold my hand out. “How about it?”

She nods and she’s all tears and sniffles and shaking hands that are wiping at her eyes as she takes the men’s ring and slides it on my finger. She even takes my hand and kisses it holding onto it and I tighten my hug around her and kiss the nape of her neck again. I softly say “I Love You Valerie.” while I’m pressed there so she can feel my words on her skin.

She starts to break down and cry…both good crying and bad crying and I sit us on our couch we picked out and pull her into my lap. I hold her and take the ring for her and slide it on her hand and she shudders and bawls some more.

(Sniffle-sobs.) “I…I..I Love You too!” More crying and a muffled. “M’surry…” into my chest.

I smile and even chuckle a little because I know why and what she means. “It’s fine honey, you know the holding you, the tears, the shoulder…I want all of that Valerie…I want to be the guy you can go to and cry the hurt out every bit as much as I want to be the guy who makes you smile.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “I Lubb yew.”

“I know. I love you too.”

We were there for awhile and Valerie actually cried herself to sleep and I settled her on the couch and covered her in one of the quilts we bought yard saleing and I head into the kitchen to make Thanksgiving dinner.

Dad’s turkey recipe…crispy bacon chopped up with pears and fresh sage and a little thyme and chunks of butternut squash. I peel and core the pears it’s all supposed to flavor the bird but also be a mash too. I peel but put whole carrots on the bottom of the roaster like a rack and then add apple cider for the liquid and salt and pepper the turkey. Cover it in tin foil shiny side in and put it in the bottom oven.

I make potatoes for mashed potatoes and use some to make potato dressing. That’s a favorite of mine. Mashed up potatoes, cream, some fine diced white onion, a little sage and a little thyme some salt and black pepper and a handful of dried summer-savory. That gets all mashed and put in a casserole dish to get baked off in the oven.

We never really did the green bean casserole thing or the baked sweet-potatoes with the marshmallows. I do have some frozen mixed veggies as a side just so it’s kinda healthy and stuff and I make homemade cranberries. Just water, fresh cranberries a cup of sugar in the slow cooker and my secret…raspberry jello mix. See it changes the flavor just a little but it sets up when it’s cool and you can slice it or spoon it for leftover sandwiches.

I cheated for dessert and bought it from the bakery downtown. A big pumpkin pie and an apple pie and yes there’s ice cream and canned whipped cream too.

She looked so amazing when she food sniffed her way into the kitchen still sort of sleepy and with her hair messed up and her eyes still a little red…yeah really she was rubbing her eyes with her hands and when she looked at me from the kitchen doorway she gave me that look that just…

Everything I’ve ever been through or will go through she’s worth it.

Just yeah…

We ate in the living room instead of the dining room table covered in the quilts denned up together watching movies together.

Pretty in pink, Say Anything, A Walk to Remember, The Princess Bride…

We dozed turkey sedated and snuggled in tightly and it really was a perfect thanksgiving.

…..Her next day she worked after the holiday weekend I sent her flowers to her in the morning with the note saying. “I am so Thankful to love you Valerie.”

Yes I did it to be both sweet and for bragging points.

………………………………..Then it was Halloween as we put up big signs and decorated the store and we had trick or treaters coming there. We played movies and music and dressed up. I went as Frankenstein and she dressed as Jessica Rabbit. After ten we went to the Bellton FD Halloween ball a charity dance and just had a really good night.

………………………November, November was good busy but good I had a lot of rush orders and a lot of money going out…gold and getting a stone set isn’t cheap. But it was really worth it.

But as busy as we were we did one major thing…

“Val?”

She rolls over and looks at me. “Hmm…”

“December’s coming.”

“Mmm…yeah…what do you want for Christmas Ry?”

“You.”

“You already got me babe.”

I pull her close to me. “I know but I want you home.”

“I am home?” She stares at me until it clicks and her eyes go wide. “You mean…”

“Yes, move in with me. I want our first Christmas together to be our first Christmas together.”

She kisses me and presses to me and rolls me over so she’s on top…she only stops kissing me to pull off her night shirt.

“That’s a yes?”

“Yes…”

The rest of the month besides working was moving and getting things settled. As a guy you sort of lose some stuff in the what we’ll keep thing but it’s not a big deal most of my stuff is our stuff and our collections kind of blend together.

One of the bedrooms that was sort of storage we make into our library…stereo, really great bookshelves a nice comfy couch and a chair so we can have our own little nerd zone and sort of have a company friendly living room.

We’re actually still in touch with some of the people we met that weekend in Moncton. Mostly online but hey you never know and we both have some work friends too.

And the stuff we’re not keeping as ours goes in her basement place and we rent it out as a furnished apartment. It actually didn’t take long to rent it either when you list it in an LGBT site. Yeah there’s some bigoted landlords out there. Actually their rent with utilities covers two thirds of her mortgage now and to have more us time she hires a part time girl.

…………………….Then December….we got the tree, the wreath, we decorated and did the lights. Valerie baked…I can cook but other than a boxed cake mix I can’t bake too well. Valerie can bake and for the first time in her life she’s doing Christmas baking.

She was never allowed to before…and since thanksgiving it’s like she’s taking some stuff back for herself. No we’re not eating half of the stuff there’s parties and presents we’re doing up, some for work both hers and mine and even the store.

She bought a huge bunch of Harry Potter books online for cheap used and she put them on sale but made Hogwarts in the shop window out of gingerbread. The entire month she’s just so alive…and I’m falling in love even more and even deeper.

Okay you want a good Christmas date? Val took me out and we had Christmas songs on her phone and a basket of Christmas cookies to pass out and a thermos of hot chocolate and a blanket and she got us on the back bench seats of the city bus and we snuggled in and kissed cuddled listen to music and passed out cookies while we went round and round the town on the bus looking at the Christmas lights.

It was perfect and awesome and corny as heck and I loved it. I love that stuff…I want to do this every Christmas…

She gets me.

We have a really good Christmas not a lot of presents because we really don’t need much but we still buy little things…okay maybe not little things but it was really fun to see her gush over her easy bake oven and those kits to make the friendship bracelets. I got her a stuffed teddy bear too and it took her awhile to notice the gold necklace heart pendant around it’s neck.

I love Val’s happy Squee sound she makes out of pure joy.

She bought me some really nice things too. A steam punk pocket watch and a Dr. Who colored scarf that was wrapped around this huge DVD boxed set. A nice leather jacket and black steel toed boots made by Harley Davidson.

It was a very cool Christmas.

We actually didn’t cook that much beyond the baking and instead we bought Kentucky fried chicken as a treat for us since we’d been actually not hitting the fast food. There’s never really been the need since we both like making meals together having really missed stuff like that in life.

We went out for New Years actually not just out but away. Down to Halifax were we stayed at the Sheraton hotel and casino and they hold a big party there and we spent that nice gambling a little but mostly dancing and actually getting all dressed up.

Valerie in her first evening gown/real cocktail dress looking amazing and me in the first tuxedo I’ve ever worn. It was swanky and expensive and it went on my credit cards…but so worth it. All dressed up and so was everyone else and these great big windows they have where we can watch the fireworks.

Champagne and the count down and everything…the whole dream.

I’ll never regret the cost and it was one of those fairy tale moments in life. And really, really…if you could, even if you’d have to work your butt off to pay it off wouldn’t you just to say that you did?

It was another amazing weekend.

I bought the tux and her dress we’re keeping those.

………………………….January…was work and life and winter…it’s so nice being able to not have to go to work and her being off and just rolling over and spooning with her during a snowstorm.

Despite the work and the News Year trip we do take another weekend off and go to Crab Mountain to go skiing. Well I ski and try to teach her, we stay mostly on the bunny hill/kids slope but it’s still fun. I even try snow boarding.

I suck at snowboarding.

But seeing her laugh and giggle at me eating a face full of snow a dozen times…worth it. Her in her ski suit…worth it. But a small cabin with hot chocolate and a fireplace and her needing me to warm her up.

Worth it.

February……

I smile when it came and I wrap it up really carefully.

Valentines day.

Valerie’s day.

I call it that because she loves it wistfully. She’s never had a valentine’s card given too her before or after ever in her life. She loves then just because of the idea of them, she always has. Always did.

I had to be a real sneak about this too. I begged and pleaded with some of her girls at work so someone had to be sick so she got called in the night before.

Three hundred dollars to a guy I know at the local cab company….

At the stroke of midnight as soon as it was valentines day a rose was delivered to her by cab with a valentine card on it saying ~I Am in Love with You.~

One AM…two roses, two valentines and so on.

She tries to call me only to get my voice mail and my message. “If this is the love of my life calling I’m afraid I’m too bust planning the rest of your surprises please leave a message at the tone.”

In an eight hour shift she sent me forty two messages and some were just sobbing happy crying.

The cab was there to drive her home in the morning.

*** Valerie…

I think my heart’s breaking it’s so full…I…I never thought Ryan existed. I never thought I’d meet someone like him.

Okay…I did and I thought I’d always get to see him walk past me not seeing me or just being turned ill by my past or…or that I’d drive him away by being so messed up.

I keep pinching myself all the time, fingering the Claddagh ring all the time. Sometimes I wake up just to watch him sleep…touch him so he doesn’t vanish.

The cab takes me home and I head into the house.

There’s a valentines card on the floor…and some rose petals too, and another card and another card like a trail into our bathroom.

“Ryan?”

I don’t hear him but there’s a steaming hot bubble bath ready for me, rose petals in the water and my red satin dress from New Years set out and my favorite things…my favorite perfume, make up, my and frankly his favorite lingerie.

There’s a glass or flute of champagne there too.

Just how much attention has he been paying to everything I….I already know…I love him so much it hurts…it hurts in the most amazing stunning take my breath away make my heart race way.

And he’s not a perfect guy…he’s been hurt, he’s got scars on the inside too and honestly I need that…someone not damaged…I’d been way too scared.

He’s that quiet, shy, romantic boy that wanted this but was pretty much told he wasn’t good enough.

I get that, get feeling like that…hell I went on meds for it. Yeah it went that deep.

But to see him shine like this, to see him get to be the guy that he wanted, needed to be actually was inside it just.

I never knew that being a woman was like this…I never though of me being that for somebody.

Anybody…

And now Ryan…and all this…

I take my bath and music starts playing as soon as I’m in the water and the bubbles. I can help but to smile…cry some too. It’s just so…My life has never been the movie with the happy ending.

I bath and get dressed, I take my time and really go all out to make myself as pretty as I can. My hands shake so much I have to redo my make up twice.

But when I come out…the only lights are candles…dozens of candles…he’s even got them in these little near globe glass bowl things in water…

It reminds me of one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite books. ~Even a hovel looks like a palace in candlelight.~

He’s read those books…bought them from my store when we first met.

I see Ryan there and he’s in his tuxedo and he looks so handsome in it. Just like my own Prince Darius…okay minus the sword but he’s holding a rose.

“Ryan…”

“Dance with me Val?”

I swallow. “Sure, I’d love to.”

We meet in the middle of our bedroom and we start to slow dance and the music changes to just the music and it sounds like it’s a country song…right now that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters really because of all of this.

Then Ryan clears his throat and he actually starts to sing to me as he’s holding me close and dancing with me…

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone,  
Or anything
I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams

[Chorus]
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life,
with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do,
Baby I'm amazed by you.

The smell of your skin,
The taste of your kiss,
The way you whisper in the dark.
Your hair all around me,
Baby you surround me
Touch every place in my heart
And it feels like the first time
Every time.
I want to spend the whole night
In your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life,
with you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do,
Baby I'm amazed by you….

And I’m bawling my eyes out…It’s…It’s…Oh god!

He takes me gently in his hands and cups my wet face and runny make up and he kisses me…he kisses me over and over in the strongest, sweetest, most gentle way.

It’s the end of The Princess Bride Kiss…

He guides me over to our bed and helps me sit down before I fall down and after another kiss he passes me a present…wrapped in red velvet cloth and a satin ribbon it’s beautiful and I’m raccooning my eyes wiping away the tears so I can see.

I unwrap it as gently as I can.

I know it’s a book.

I love books.

Books and manga and even comics are the only reason I’m here…I was able to pick up a book, read a story and fall into it and out of the hell my life was before transitioning. I was her, I could be her, feel her feelings be the me I really was when everything else just wanted me to curl up and die.

It’s…

It’s a big hard covered book in this pink-white marble swirl and on the cover is the picture of our two rings sitting place together on a valentine card and a rose behind them… The card says.

~My Valentine.~

I look inside and gasp…it’s one of those books you send pictures in and they make a book for you with them…I’ve seen wedding books and baby books made like this but nothing like this…the paper is colored pink and in this valentine heart shape are all these pictures of us or me from…from our weekend on P.E.I. on to New Years Eve and in each page he’s written things…sweet romantic things like little blurbs and even quotes too from some of our books, or movies and some are right from him.

The last page has a that heart and all it has in it is the words…

~Say yes.~

I look at him trying not to bawl again outright and he’s there in the candlelight in his tux with his own tears running down his face and he’s staring at me so…just with so much…

And he’s hold a diamond ring in front of me cut in this perfect little heart…

“Please Valerie…Be My Forever…Be My For-Always.”

I lose sight of him in the blur of tears and I nod over and over and he slips that ring over my shaking hand.

(Happy-Bawly-Sob.) “Y..Yes.”