----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------

How much longer can she stay hidden?

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Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Monday 12-31-2012 at 02:26:32 am, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 
Author's Note: This story is the sequel to My Summer with Meg. It was one Wren asked me to write at the end of the last chapter. I dedicate this story to her.

Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

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Chapter 1
 
"Are you nervous," Meg asked me as we stepped out of her mom's van.

"A little," I said.

I'd only been taking ballet for a couple of months. This was my first Nutcracker audition.

"You'll do great," Meg said as she handed me my dance bag.

"Hold on you two, I want to get a picture," my Aunt Amy said. "Our family dancers getting ready for Nutcracker auditions!"

Meg put her arm around me. We both flashed piece signs. We kinda sorta matched. We wore cutoff blue jeans over our tights. Meg had on your standard black leotard and pink tights. I had a white leo under black boys tights.

"I've packed water bottles and snacks in both of your bags," Aunt Amy said.

"I can't believe she's doting on us so much," I said to Meg. "Good thing Jack's not here."

"I know, right?," Meg replied. "We'd never here the end of it."

Aunt Amy was an experienced dance mom and studio volunteer. And since Mom got called into work, "you're as much her kid as I am today," Meg said with a laugh.

Aunt Amy was helping with registration.

Those of us auditioning, we were in the huddle masses sitting on the floor in the lobby, stretching and waiting for our classes to be called.

"Jack said I'll either be a party boy or a mouse," I told Meg as I pulled my hair out of my eyes and into a ponytail.

"Like he's an expert," Meg said. "Zach and Josh, I'm sure. And Mom will bribe Jack to be Fritz again. But you're in Ballet III, I'm pretty sure they will give you a dancing part."

They needed boys in the production, so brothers like Jack were drafted to be party boys and mice. Jack played the brat part pretty well, so he pretty much had a standing role to be Fritz as long as Aunt Amy bought him a video game. It was a role he first played a couple of years ago when Meg was Clara.

Zach and Josh danced like me. When I signed up for classes, I was in the same class with them, Ballet II, which is pretty much grouped more by age than ability. Their moms were pissed when Miss Jana, who taught both Ballet II and III, promoted me to Ballet III. They both had been dancing for a couple of years.

I'm still a little overwhelmed being in Ballet III. There were a couple of girls who were new like me who were also promoted to the class. And I'm the only boy in class.

I overheard the girls saying they hoped they were cast as Clara, or one of the dolls.

"We're all going to be toy soldiers if we don't get Clara, even if we're dolls," said Lucy, one of the girls in his group. "But I don't know about Collin. They've never had a boy toy soldier."

"Well I hope I get Chinese, Russian or Arabian in the Second Act," said another one of the girls. "Ballet IIIs always get some of those parts."

Meg was Ballet V and junior company. She is one of the youngest in her group.

"I think it runs in the family," I once heard Aunt Amy telling one of the other mothers after I was promoted. "My sister and I both danced, so they get it from us."

I peeked in on my former group, the Ballet IIs. They were struggling with a waltz and a couple of marches.

"Ballet III's, time for measurements," Madame Kathryn said.

"Good luck sis," Meg whispered.

I gave her a hug and walked over to the table where Aunt Amy was waiting.

She volunteered to do my measuring. She assigned me a number, 22.

"OK 22, let me get a picture," she said. She told me she was going to email it to Mom.

As soon as they were done measuring us, they marched us into the classroom.

Miss Jana would be teaching the class. Madame Kathryn and a couple of other teachers sat at a table.

It felt like American Idol.

"Collin, ponytails are unacceptable during Nutcracker rehearsals for Ballet III and up," Madame Kathryn said. "You either get your hair cut or I'll have Miss Jana teach you how to put it in a bun. Understood?"

My classmates giggled. I had no idea whether she was serious about the bun, or not.

She then scolded the girls for giggling. I think we all knew this was serious business.

We did barre like a normal class, but it was cut short.

Miss Jana then demonstrated several combinations. Some were pretty difficult. I felt a little wobbly at times.

Some of the steps were ballet. Some weren't. We did marches. We acted like dolls, or at least it seemed more like robots.

They then gave us toy guns to march around with, which was different.

I looked and saw Meg and a few older girls looking in on us.

It was fun. I seemed to forget we had a table of judges watching us.

We did our reverence. The girls curtsied. I bowed.

"Line them up, shortest to tallest," Madame Kathryn said. "Including Collin."

We were lined up. I was right dab in the middle.

"I will post a class list next week," Madame Kathryn said. "I wish everyone would get the part they want. Please know that won't happen. But remember, every part is important. You must be dedicated to your roles and be here for all rehearsals unless you have a good excuse."

"Yes Miss Kathryn," we all said almost at the same time.

Meg greeted me at the door.

"Oh my God, Collin, you really did great," she said.

"Yes he did, I'm proud of him," Miss Jana said. "You've really come a long way in a short time."

We were surprised she overheard.

Although our group was dismissed, those of us waiting on sisters were invited to stick around and watch the Ballet IVs, Vs and Vis, junior company and company audition.

I sat on a bench and watched the older girls dance. They were amazing.

I received a text and a photo from my BFF Mauve while I waited for Meg to dance.

It was a photo of Mauve in ballet gear. My friend the tomboy joined her sister Lindsey in taking dance this year.

"Can't believe you're taking ballet," I texted.

"I know, girlfriend, maybe we'll both be girlie girls by summer," she replied.

I tried not to giggle.

Suddenly, it was Meg's turn to dance. She was so beautiful.

I wanted to be so much like her.

Just before they finished, I noticed she had slipped a note in my dance bag.

"Don't let the teasing from Jack get to you. I think he's jealous of the bond we have, which he'll never understand. You will do great little sis! Love Meg."
 
 

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To Be Continued...
 

How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

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Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

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Chapter 2
 
"Are they always this way?" I asked Meg as a mass of humanity huddled around the bulliten board that contained the cast list.

There were girls wanting to know what roles they got. There were dance moms armed with smart phones taking pictures of the cast list.

"Oh yeah, always for Nutcracker," Meg said as we eased our way to the front.

"Oh my God!" Meg said as she went through the cast list. "I'm a snow demi and a flower demi!"

"A snow demi and a flower demi?" I asked.

Meg explained there were three levels in the Dance of the Snow Flakes and Waltz of the Flowers. There was the corps, of which Meg thought she would be in. There were the demis, who were the rising stars. Then there were the leads, who danced solo portions of both dances.

Meg was the only junior company member dancing demi roles. The others were company dancers, the ones in Ballet VI.

"Big score, Meg," said a company member named Piper, who would be alternating between Sugar Plum Fairy and Snow Queen. She was one of the big stars of the company.

I tried to scan the cast list. We were crowded, so I tried to rush.

Immediately, I knew Jack was wrong.

Party boy? Nope.

Mouse, nada.

I still couldn't find my name. Just when I was about to be upset, a company girl found one of my roles.

"Good for you! Harlequin!" the girl said. Meg later told me her name was Jessica, although she went by Jessi.

"Harle-what?" I asked.

"You're one of the dolls in the party scene," Meg said.

"It's supposed to be a boy doll, but you're the first boy we've ever cast in the role," Miss Jana said.

"That's a pretty big score, Collin," Meg said. "I danced it a couple of years ago. Going to take a lot of work."

"Yes, it is!" Miss Jana said. "I'm going to work his butt off."

"He's going to have to learn how to be a quick change artist," said Lucy, who pointed out that like most of the rest of the Ballet IIIs, I was cast as a toy soldier.

That, I found out, was also a first. Like Harlequin, it was technically a boys part. But no boy had ever played a toy soldier.

"Marching around with guns during the audition," I told Lucy. "It all makes sense, now."

The part required a little dancing, unlike the mice.

Lucy was picked to be one of the Claras. And one of the Columbines, a doll I would be dancing with. Three girls were going to dance the Columbine roles.

Our Ballet III class was almost equally divided when it came to Act II. Some were Arabians, some were Russians, some were Spanish and some were Chinese.

I wasn't originally cast in any of those roles. They were girls roles.

The choreography was already decided before I started taking class at the school.

"We didn't know if we'd have you," Miss Jana said at the start of class. "We sure didn't expect you'd jump from Ballet II to Ballet III."

It was OK with me. Harlequin was a plumb role. Lucy and the other two girls cast as Columbine were pretty cool.

"I've got to warn you Collin." Miss Jana said. "We're going to be working on the Act II parts during centre work. Be prepared to dance like an Arabian, Spanish, Russian or Chinese girl."

The girls in the class giggled, but not in a bad way.

I promised I'd be a model citizen, although I still wasn't too thrilled about having to get my hair cut like Madame Kathryn said.

"Well, we'll just have to put it in a bun then," Miss Jana said.

Again, I really couldn't tell if she were kidding, or not.

I actually found learning the steps of the dances pretty fun. But we also got to work on our usual combinations.

Miss Jana taught a combination that required double pirouettes.

"Some of you can try for triples if you'd like," she said.

Mine turns were as good as they'd been since I started. I didn't know what came over me. I'd never tried going for three pirouettes before, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I was in the last group to go, so going unnoticed was out of the question.

To my surprise. To everyone's surprise, I did a triple.

The room erupted with applause.

Only two of us did triples. It was expected from Lucy. She was the best.

The other was me.

"Some of the dance moms of my Ballet IIs were pissed off when I promoted him to Ballet III after only a month," Miss Jana whispered to Piper, the company dancer who was helping the class. "They thought it was because he was a boy. Oh no. I think you just saw why I promoted him."

"Yeah," Piper said. "He's another Meg."

"Meg Jr." Miss Jana said.
 

 
"Wow, a triple, good for you!" my Aunt Amy said.

"All of the company girls were talking about it, mom," Meg said. "Collin's really impressed them."

"I don't know what the big deal is," Jack said. "It's just girly dancing."

"Jack!" Aunt Amy said. "Apologize to your cousin."

"Oh, it's OK Aunt Amy," I said.

Seriously, his picking on me about ballet had gotten a little old. But it really no longer bothered me.

"It's harder than you think, Jerk," Meg said. "It's like you hitting three home runs in a game."

"Meg, please," Aunt Amy said. "Why can't you two get along."

"Because that isn't really fun," Jack said with a laugh.

Meg and I actually found that funny.

Mom was out on a date, so I would be staying with them for the night, which was cool with me.

I was actually looking forward to actually doing a little gaming with Jack, but he was invited over to a friends house.

"Well, I wish I could hang with you ballerinas," Jack said. "But I think I'll do some guy stuff tonight."

"Well, we'll have a little fun with or without you," Meg said.

We went to eat pizza. I talked to Mom before her date. She was really proud of my triple.

"Aunt Amy said she'll bring me home after church," I told her. "I miss you, too."

After we dropped Jack off, we walked into the house. Aunt Amy asked me if I was cool that Mom was dating again.

"I guess so," I said, even though I sort of liked it with just Mom and me. My Dad didn't care a whole lot about us after he'd left. I knew Mom deserved her happiness, though.

"So how do you really feel?" Meg asked when we got to her room.

I told her what I really thought.

"I understand," Meg said. "I feel the same way with Mom dating again, even though Dad's been dead for almost three years. I do think it's cool that they're going through the dating thing about the same time as sisters."

"You think my Mom and your Mom are as close as we are?" I asked Meg.

"Yeah, they are," Meg said. "Mom says there's no one closer to her on this earth. I think that's what bothers Jack about us ever since the summer. I mean, I don't think boys understand bonds between sisters."

I smiled. "You do think of me as your sister?"

"I do," Meg said. "I hope with what your dealing with, that doesn't bother you."

"No," I said. "I was going to ask if you would consider me a girl."

"Ever since our talk in the shed, I've considered you a girl," Meg said. "I've just been afraid of mentioning it to you."

I smiled. A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I still like doing boys things sometimes," I said.

I didn't finish the sentence. But I remembered Mauve's words: "But that don't make me a stinking boy!"

"I do, too," Meg said. "That's why I thought we might do some gaming tonight with Jack's X-Box.

Aunt Amy brought us some popcorn.

"Is it OK if Collin hangs in here tonight?" Meg asked her Mom. "We're going to spread the blankets out on the floor, watch a couple of movies and play video games."

"Sure, that's fine," Aunt Amy said. "Just don't stay up too late. We've got church in the morning."
 
 

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To Be Continued...
 

How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

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Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

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Chapter 3
 
Be careful what you ask for ...

Or sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut ...

I pestered Miss Jana about keeping my hair long.

I couldn't explain that it was the symbol of true gender identity. There, I said it.

Colleen the girl was fighting so hard to keep it while trying to remain stealth as Collin, the boy.

I found myself pleading my case in Madame Kathryn's office with the artistic director/ballet school director herself. And her backup, Miss Olga, who despite her Russian name and Bolshoi training, was only in her 20s like Miss Jana. But she was as tough as her Russian training.

"Alright Collin, I'll let you keep your long hair," Madame Kathryn said. "You've worked hard. And unlike the other boys in the school, your uniform is very much up to code, isn't that right Miss Olga?"

Miss Olga shook her head yes.

Just before I was about to crack a smile, Madame Kathryn ordered Meg and Miss Jana to come into her office.

Meg had a "Me? what did I do?" look on her face.

"I think Collin thought I was kidding when I said I would make him wear a bun during Nutcracker rehearsal," Madame Kathryn said.

I wasn't the only one. Miss Jana told me later, she thought Madame Kathryn was kidding, too.

"Collin, I want you to look at your cousin's hair," Madame Kathryn said. "See how beautifully neat it is in a bun?"

I shook my head yes. Meg had a smile of pride. She put a lot of effort into her bun.

"Miss Jana, if Collin insists on having long hair, the rule that applies to the girls will also apply to him," she said. "Not just during Nutcracker rehearsal. For every ballet class at this school, it must be in a bun or you will not be letting him take class."

"Not a problem," Miss Jana said.

"Meg, you will teach your cousin how to make a proper bun," Madame Kathryn said. "My company rule applies to all girls who aspire to make it, and that rule now also applies to you, too Collin. I expect all company and junior company members to do their own hair. I don't want your mother doing it. I don't want your aunt doing it, understood?"

"Yes ma'am," I said.

I truly didn't know whether to be happy or frightened by this new development.

I wanted to be more of a girl, sure. But giving up being Collin wasn't really part of the plan just yet.

And I wasn't trying to be a sissy, effeminate, dancer, either.

"OK, Collin, Meg, it's time to get along to your classes," Madame Kathryn said.

"I can't really blaming him for wanting to keep his hair long," I heard Madame Kathryn whisper to Miss Olga. "He really has beautiful hair. I know a couple of company girls who are envious."

Miss Jana had her arm around me as we walked into the classroom.

I thought I had one more class with the ponytail. I was mistaken.

"Before we start, Beth and Emily asked me to teach them how to put their hair in a proper bun," Miss Jana announced. :I believe I'll demonstrate before we do barre."

Beth and Emily were former Ballet IIs like me who were promoted. Their buns were, to put it politely, somewhat of a mess.

"Since everyone else already has their hair in buns, I will use Collin to demonstrate," Miss Jana said.

Imagine a ballet room full of laughter and giggles. That's what we had as Miss Jana dipped into her bag for bobby pins.

"Since Collin insists on having long, flowing beautiful hair," Miss Jana said, "Madame Kathryn insists on keeping that long, flowing hair in a bun during ballet class."

Again, laughter and giggles filled the room.

But slowly turned to silence as Madame Jana twisted my hair like a spider might spin a web. She pinned it up.

"Viola!" Miss Jana said. "I now present this new bunhead for inspect by his fellow bunheads!"

There were some oohs and ahhs as the girls in the class inspected Miss Jana's handiwork.

"Collin, don't take this the wrong way," Lucy said. "But you really do make a beautiful girl."

I blushed.

"I'll take that as a compliment, I guess?" I said.

A part of me really loved the moment. A part of me still felt very awkward.

A couple of the other girls whistled when I walked over to the barre.

"OK ladies and gentleman, it's time to get serious," Miss Jana said.

I began to wonder if gentleman really applied anymore.

"Ok, plies, please!" Miss Jana said. "Demi, demi, grande, porta bras forward and back. Side to side in second. Check your balance in fifth at the end. Arms in fifth."

Nothing else was said about the bun the rest of the class. I felt I had enough metal in my head to pick up a station in Seattle.

"Flow with the music," she said as we worked on a combination in centre. "It's not enough that you can do a triple pirouette, it's the steps in between that make you a dancer."
 

 
"Is there something you're hiding from me?" Mom asked as we ate a meal at our favorite Chinese restaurant.

"Nothing, Mom, really," I said between munches of sesame chicken and broccoli.

"We used to be able to tell each other everything," Mom said. "But I think there's something you're not telling me."

"Whadda ya mean, Mom?" I said as I sipped my egg drop soup.

She pushed a few strands out of my face.

"I've always loved your long hair," she said. "And I'm getting used to you wearing earrings. And I do admit, the fact that you're wearing an old purple tank top of Meg's with your cut off shorts is kind of cute. But your sudden change of wardrobe does have me wondering."

"It's nothing Mom, really," I said as I opened up my fortune cookie.

"Ma'am, can I get you and your daughter anything else?" the waiter said.

"No, we're good," Mom said.

She looked at me.

"You didn't even flinch when he called you my daughter," Mom said.

"Well, you didn't bother to correct him," I said.

We both started laughing.

A few minutes later, Miss Jana walked into the restaurant with her fiancé.

They sat down at a table next to ours.

"Good class tonight and good rehearsal, Collin," Miss Jana said.

She told her fiancé I was one of the up and coming students at the ballet school.

"He keeps improving, every major company in the country will want him in a few years," she told her fiancé and my mother.

"I am very proud of him," Mom said. "I'm glad he's found something he's passionate about."

Mom and Miss Jana talked a few more minutes about how well I was doing in class, and what I needed to work on, and my parts in Nutcracker.

Miss Jana then brought up about the new bun rule.

"Collin was a good sport about it in class," Miss Jana said.

Mom admitted later she didn't know how she felt about the bun rule.

"I guess I never pictured my son being a bunhead," she said as we got in the car. "But I do like it that you're doing ballet. I can picture you dancing with New York City Ballet one day and me being one proud momma."

I gave her a hug.

"Thanks Mom," I said.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Collin," she said as we arrived home. "There is one thing I want to ask you."

"What's that Mom?" I said as we walked toward the door.

"I know with the divorce, and now that I'm dating Rick, there may be some issues we're both dealing with," she said. "Would you mind if we scheduled family therapy? A friend of mine that your Aunt Amy and I went to school with is a specialist."

"OK, I guess," I said as we walked into the living room.

"One other thing," Mom said. "She specializes not only in family counseling ... but she has experience with gender variant children."

"You think there's something with me?" I said.

"No, honey," Mom said. "But I am beginning to wonder if the boy I'm raising is really a girl."

I sat down at the bottom of the stairs. The tears began to flow.

"How did you know?" I cried.
 

 
"I think it's a good thing, you know?" Meg said as she tugged and pulled at my hair as she tried to show me how to put it in a bun.

"I still don't know," I said, trying to make sense of what Meg was doing to my hair.

I told Meg it felt awkward spilling my guts to Mom.

"Hey Mom, I not only like radically want to become a ballet dancer, I want to be a girl," I said.

"Finished!" Meg said, easily going back and forth between helping me make a bun and hearing my latest travail of my gender story.

Just then Aunt Amy peeked in.

"We need to be going in about 15 minutes," Aunt Amy said. "Woa ... I told your mom I thought you favored Meg more than Jack did. I think this proved my point."

She came back a couple of minutes later with a photo of Meg in a bun when she was my age and held it up to the mirror.

"What do you two think?" Aunt Amy said.

"That's so amazing," Meg said.

"Oh my God, I'm your doppleganger," I said. "That's really, really freaky."

The three of us broke into laughter.

"So, how do you really feel about it," Meg said. "Not just your mom knowing."

"Weird, sometimes, still," I told Meg. "It's no longer, Sometimes I feel I want to be a girl. There is no wanting to it, now. I mean, I feel I am a girl. But I'm not ready to show the world I am a girl, at least not totally. And I'm not sure I want to give up being Collin. Not yet. I'm scared Meg. Really scared."

Meg held me close.

"I meant it, that day in the shed," Meg said. "I have your back. You are my sister, don't you ever forget that."

Just then my Aunt Amy walked in. I had no idea she was listening.

"Don't you two ever lose that bond," Aunt Amy said. "When you are both grown women like your mother and me, you'll appreciate that bond even more. Now girls, we got to get going."

"You hear that, grown women," Meg said. "Plural as in us."

"Aunt Amy, I didn't know you knew," I said.

"Your mom and I have suspected something since last summer," Aunt Amy said. "But now it's time to get in the van. It's time for my two young ballerinas to go dance."

"One question, Mom," Meg said. "Does Jack know?"

"No, and I think it's best to keep it that way," Aunt Amy said.
 

 
"Very nicely done, Collin!" Miss Jana said. "You picked up on the combination very well. But point your feet a little more during the pas de bouree. But your pique turns were really solid."

"It took me two years before I could pique turn in a circle," said Leigh, one of my peers in Ballet III.

"Yeah, but let's see him do it with a parasol like we have to do in the Chinese dance for real," said Alli, one of the other girls in our class.

"Sounds like it's a dare, doesn't it, Collin?" Miss Jana said.

I smiled and grabbed a parasol amd joined Hannah, another one of the girls in Chinese.

"I'll betya a mocha frappucino he pulls it off," Lucy said.

"You're on," Alli said.

The music started to play. I think I did better the second time around.

"Perfect pique turns around each other, Collin and Hannah," Miss Jana said. "In unison. Just like I want on stage."

The dance ended in applause.

"During the carpool tomorrow, you're going to have to pay up," Lucy told Alli.

After class ended, Lucy and I both went to the window to watch Ballet V-VI class. They were combined. They were ending class doing Waltz of the Flowers.

Madame Kathryn saw us and motioned us to come in.

"It's OK for you two to watch," she said, motioning us to the bench in front of the mirror.

Meg was amazing. She was beaming. Her steps were flawless.

"I'll be so glad when we're in this class one day," Lucy whispered. "My sister Piper is so beautiful, and your cousin Meg is too."

"Wonderful job ladies," Madame Kathryn said. "And now for reverence. I'd like for our two visitors to come and lead us."

I looked at Lucy.

"Us?" I asked.

"Fraid so," Lucy said as we got and took our places in front of the company and junior company girls.

I took Lucy's lead when the music started. I was nervous, but evidently we did well. It ended with the girls curtseing. I bowed.

"Nice job, you two," Madame Kathryn said. "And Collin, your bun looks lovely."
 
 
Related Video Scene:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNblonfOWOE

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To Be Continued...
 

How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

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Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

---

 
 
Chapter 4
 
I think Mom was a little disappointed I didn't "open up" during our therapy session.

She did. She talked about the loneliness she felt after the divorce, and finally being able to move on with Rick.

Beth asked me how I felt about Mom dating Rick. My response was "I dunno."

I mean, I really didn't know how I felt.

It's her life. And I'm glad she's dating, to a point.

But that didn't entirely mean I was cool with it.

He seemed OK in the few times I met him. He didn't push the sports, let's be "Manly men, buddies" theme around. And he was fully aware I danced. And I did some things outside the box of normally boyhood.

Speaking of which, Beth seemed to dance around (no pun intended) the 800-pound gender gorilla in the room, looking for an opening for me to talk about it.

Truth is, there were only two people I was comfortable enough with to talk about it: Meg and Mauve.

I loved Mom, and we talked about many things. But I still wasn't comfortable talking about it with her.

Same with Beth.

She asked about my clothes, my long hair, wearing it in ponytails and wearing earrings.

"Some boys have long hair," I replied. "They wear ponytails. They wear earrings."

"Yes, they do," Beth answered.

I didn't volunteer any information.

That was, until I let my guard down.

Beth was a high school friend of Mom's and Aunt Amy. And liked them, she danced. And as it turned out, quite well.

She moved after her sophomore year to New York to take classes at the School of American Ballet (what we dancers like to call SAB). She danced professionally for a few years with New York City Ballet, the company SAB is attached to. For non-dancers, NYCB is the coolest ballet company in the world, or so says Meg. Beth also danced with Pennsyvania Ballet.

I thought the session was officially done. We started talking about dance. She sort of sucked me in.

We talked about Nutcracker, the version we were performing.

"Tell me Collin, which role do you dream about dancing?" Beth asked. "Sugar Plum Cavalier or Sugar Plum Fairy?"

I tried being a smart-aleck.

"Neither, I want to dance Dew Drop," I said.

"Oh, Dew Drop..." Beth said, guessing I was being sarcastic. "I was the Dew Drop Fairy a few times (she had to drop the word fairy in there for emphasis). Fun role."

"Yeah, I sort of want to be the lead in Waltz of the Flowers," I said with a laugh.

Beth smiled.

"Seriously, are there times when you wished you were a girl?" Beth asked.

"No," I replied.

"Are you sure?" Beth asked again. "Haven't you told your cousin Meg and your Mom that you sometimes wished you were a girl?"

It was a gotcha moment.

"Yes," I replied, no more trying to be defiant.

Mom put her arm around me, and patted me on the shoulder.

"So there are times when you wished you were a girl? Beth asked. "And you like doing things girls do?"

"No, I don't wish I were a girl," I said.

"Then why did you tell Meg and your mother...." Beth tried to ask.

I didn't let her finish. I dropped the bomb right then and there.

"I don't wish I were a girl," I said, fighting back the tears. "I ... am ... a ... girl!"

Those were four words that would suddenly change my life.

Beth decided not to push further. I pulled out a tissue and wiped my face.

"That's enough for today," she told Mom and me. "We'll talk a little more about this next session. I'll schedule another session for two weeks."

She had an assignment for me.

"I don't want 'boys have long hair and can wear pink shirts' " Beth said. "I want you to dress as the girl you feel you are."

That was a shocker.

"Anna, be sure Collin does that," Beth said. "I don't mean a girly, girly dress. It can be a pair of jeans and a shirt. I just want Collin, the real Collin."
 

 
To Mom's credit, she didn't press me about the therapy session when I got ready for ballet.

"Nice job," she said when I finished my bun. It was not exactly Meg good, but for a first attempt, I was proud of my work.

"You're going to have to ride home with Aunt Amy and Meg," she said when she dropped me off at the ballet school. "She's helping out with wardrobe tonight. They're having dinner with us tonight, so I've got to put something together and pick up Jack. Mind if he plays with your video games?"

"No, Mom, that's fine," I said as I gave her a hug.

"Have a good class and rehearsal," Mom said.

I was directed to go straight to wardrobe when I walked into the studio. Ballet IIIs in the dolls dance and the battle scene were trying on costumes.

Mrs. Alice was our wardrobe mistress. Aunt Amy was helping. There were a line of girls waiting to be fitted.

Meg walked out with her snow costume all pinned up.

"How do I look cuz?" she asked when I saw her.

"Oh, beautiful, you look awesome," I said. She really did.

"Thanks, and good job on the bun!" she said, patting me on the head.

"I had a good teacher," I said.

She gave me a hug.

"Hope the therapy session went well," she whispered. "If you want to talk to me about it later, I'd love to hear about it."

I nodded yes.

Finally, the line dwindled and Aunt Amy was waiting with my Harlequin and toy soldier costume.

"Climb in," she said as I put on the Harlequin costume.

"Bit loose, and a bit baggy," Aunt Amy said. "But we can fix it. Hard to believe Meg wore this just a couple of years ago."

I also tried on the toy soldier costume, which coincidently, or maybe not, Meg also wore when she was my age.

"You really are my doppleganger," Meg teased afterward.

"I was thinking he was more like your 'mini me'," one of the other junior company girls said.

I was told by Aunt Amy I had to wear a white leotard and tights under both costumes, along with white shoes.

"That'll allow you to change in the wings with the girls without any problems," she said. "Your boys leo should do fine. Meg probably has a few pairs of white tights and probably a pair of white shoes that will come close to fitting you."
 

 
Miss Jana was a little more serious in class. And I was a little more sloppy.

"Collin, point your feet," she said when we were doing tendues at the barre.

"Collin, straighten your leg in arabesque," she said when we were doing adagio in the center.

Yeah, I was a little more wobbly than usual. And I was getting a bunch of corrections.

But I wasn't the only one. We all were.

"Ladies and gentleman, what's wrong with you guys tonight," she shouted. "That was not that hard of a combination."

Maybe it was because our Nutcracker rehearsals were getting a little more intense. Thanksgiving break was just around the corner, and then Nutcracker would be, boom, right there.

I admit, I was still a little distracted from the therapy session.

But I was glad to be back in class. When we're doing a balance (standing on one leg while the other is in some other position and we're not holding onto the barre), Miss Jana always tells us to find a happy place.

My happy place is ballet class, no matter how bad I was doing.

I was finally able to zone things out. And I aced my favorite part of class, grande allegro.

Grand allegro for you non-ballet people is a fast-paced combination that includes big jumps. We usually do them during the last part of class, right before reverence.

This combination was a pique-chasse-tour jete-tour jete-tour jete tonbe pas de bouree, glissade saute de chats. combination. I feel like I'm flying when I'm doing tour jetes and saute de chats. They are kind of hard to explain, but they are extremely fun.

"Bravo Collin, where did that come from?" Miss Jana said when I finished the combination. "Where has that dancer been all class?"
 

 
We were given a short break before going to rehearsal. Miss Jana was leading Chinese rehearsal.

Madame Kathryn would lead the dolls rehearsal I was in, and snow rehearsal right after, which Meg was in.

Doll rehearsal was fun. Madame Kathryn taught us doll moves, and had some of the girls in snow, including Meg, to show us the steps.

The dance really wasn't too difficult. Pas de bourees, a couple of pirouettes and partnering steps, which was pretty cool.

And the three girls who alternate the Columbine role, Lucy, Mirrin and Emerald are pretty cool and amazing dancers.

"Good job everyone," Madame Kathryn said. "That's enough for one rehearsal. Just remember to smile for the audience. You are dolls, they have to see the expressions on your faces."

The four of us sat down on the bench to watch snow rehearsal. The three girls had sisters in snow. Me, I had to wait for Meg.

They were all amazing, the corps, the demi dancers and the snow queens, Piper and Juli. They were doing some amazing steps, although apparently not amazing enough, with Madame Kathryn making them run through parts of the dance she wasn't entirely pleased with. Snow and Flowers are the longest dances in the show along with the grand pas de deux between the Sugar Plums and the guest artist who is playing the cavalier.

Madame Kathryn was about to give the Snow dancers a break when we heard shouting in the lobby.

Miss Jana was in an argument with one of the dancers in Chinese's mom. Shelly was the dancer. Her mom thought Shelly should have gotten a better role than Chinese.

Shelly was a pretty good dancer, I admit. But not any better than any other girl in Ballet III, and not as good as Lucy, Mirrin and Emerald, the three girls alternating between Clara, Columbine and Act II roles.

Her mom was a "dance mom." Not a normal dance mom like Aunt Amy, but like one of the "dance moms" on the show "Dance Moms" that Madame Kathryn doesn't want us to watch.

"Girls, take a break for a few minutes," Madame Kathryn said. "I need to go and talk with Miss Jana."

Shelly's mom pulled her not only out of the Chinese dance, but out of the ballet school.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, Kathryn," Miss Jana said. "The choreography calls for four Chinese girls and none of my Ballet IIIs are double-casted in Act II except the Claras, and they are alternating roles with each other. It's too late to change the choreography, but I'm not going to call the bitch back and beg for her daughter to be in the show. But I don't know what I'm going to do."

She and Madame Kathryn went over a few possible options, but none would work.

"I'll go back in rehearsal with the girls that I've got and try to figure something out," Miss Jana said as she was walking out of the studio. So much in thought, she accidentally stepped on me in the process. I was sitting on the floor with Meg,

"Oops, sorry Collin, didn't see you there," Miss Jana said.

"That's OK, no problem Miss Jana," I replied.

Miss Jana turned around, got ready to walk back out of the studio, then turned around and looked at me.

"Kathryn, I think I just tripped over my fourth Chinese girl," Miss Jana said with a laugh.

Meg looked at me. So did Lucy.

"I think Collin will do just fine," Madame Kathryn said.

"Come along Collin, there is a parasol with your name on it," Miss Jana said.

I entered the room after Miss Jana.

"Your parasol is right there," she told me. "You'll be paired with Hannah just like you were in class. We have a few other steps in addition to what we've done in class."

"Girls," Miss Jana said. "Collin will be dancing the part that used to be Shelly's."

I have to admit, the steps we hadn't been doing in class were challenging. But the dance was fun.

"I think you did well tonight," Miss Jana told me. "The other steps will come."
 

 
"Big score," Meg said in the van on the ride home. "Chinese is a fun part. You are going to be really busy."

"She's right, you've got three parts in all seven shows," Aunt Amy said. "You are going to be one worn out child."

"No more than Meg," I said. "She's in Snow and Flowers. No one dances harder than them."

Aunt Amy swore Miss Jana's stumbling over me was good fortune, especially in the costume department.

The Chinese girls bought their own silk jackets, and normally it would be hard to order one this close to Nutcracker.

"But Meg still has hers," Aunt Amy said.

"Seems like I'm getting all of your dance hand-me-downs," I giggled.

Aunt Amy and Meg laughed about that, too.

"Collin, there is one thing I want to apologize for," Aunt Amy said. "The other day, I mentioned about you and Meg becoming women. I mean, I didn't mean too ..."

"Yeah, that was a bit awkward and forward, Mom," Meg said.

"That's OK Aunt Amy," I said as we pulled into the driveway.

I almost said "well I am going to be one."

But I left it at that.

We had other things to talk about when we got home.

I was really excited about telling Mom about me be cast in Chinese.

"We're going to have two big stars on the stage," Mom told Aunt Amy.

I asked where Jack was. He was back in my room playing video games.

I walked back there and asked if I could join in.

"Sure," he said. "Maybe World of Warcraft?"

"How about Zelda," Meg chimed in. I had no idea she followed me back there.

Jack smiled. "Zelda is the only game Meg can hang with me with."

Surprisingly, he picked Zelda.

A couple of weird things? Jack didn't tease me about dancing. And he got along with Meg.

"Who are you people and what have you done with my children?" Aunt Amy said when she walked back to check on us.

"Collin, I am cool with you dancing with Meg," Jack said. "Not for me. But if you like it, it's OK with me."

"Thanks," I said. "That means a lot."

"You're a cool brother, sometimes, Jackson," Meg said.
 

 
My gender journey still weighed heavily on Mom that night, which I know is one reason why she appreciated having Aunt Amy over for dinner.

Aunt Amy was right, they had a bond that I really was glad I had with Meg.

They were twin sisters, only not identical. And their relationship was much different than their one with our cousin Maya's mom, Aunt Alicia.

They shared their innermost secrets with each other. I found that out when I took a bathroom break while Meg, Jack and I were gaming.

"Amy, I swear to God even the use of pronouns is stressing me out," Mom said. "Should I start calling Collin her and she? And what about using Colleen instead of Collin."

"I'm sure that will sort out in time," Aunt Amy said.

Meg walked into the kitchen for a soda. She also heard the conversation.

"Maybe you should ask her," Meg said as she grabbed three sodas, one for me, her and Jackson.
 
 
Related Video Scenes:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Adagio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTjgCctNXXo

Grande allegro
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbn5kqRgsP8

Doll rehearsal (Collin's part would be girl in black
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvczYQ8VF5s

Snow rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYxwTkVNQTk

Chinese rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYQyAxCF6ok

Most of the rehearsal videos, the kids are a little older than in the story. And this Chinese rehearsal is a little different than the version in the story, but I want to give you a good idea what I'm talking about.

---

 
 
To Be Continued...
 

How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

---

Author's Note: Sorry this has been a little longer coming. It's a little short. The second semester has started and I'm pursuing a second degree, so I haven't had as much time. But I wanted to keep the story going. ~Torey.

Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

---

 
 
Chapter 5
 
"Ms. Greene, Beth will see you and your daughter now," the receptionist said.

It was a little weird to be called my Mom's daughter by my therapist's receptionist. Beth told Mom afterwards that her receptionist was instructed to use the gender her clients presented themselves as.

And don't entirely get the wrong idea. I wasn't in girly-girl mode. Beth wanted the real me. What she got was a kid wearing blue jeans over a leotard and tights, with hair tightly in a bun. It wasn't really a fashion statement.

It was a statement that we were on a tight schedule. But she wanted the real me. And over the last few weeks, this was the real me.

Nothing really earth-shattering. Not all that glamorous.

"Come on in, take a seat," Beth said. "Collin, I take it you have class tonight."

"And rehearsals," I replied.

"Colleen's practically living at the ballet studio with Nutcracker getting close," Mom said. "She's having to do a lot of studying between classes and rehearsals."

"Brings back memories, doesn't it Anna?" Beth said in a nod to their dancing days.

Then she back-tracked to Mom's use of the name Colleen. And the use of the pronoun she.

Calling me Colleen was as much Mom's decision as mine.

"If you really are a girl inside," she told me over dinner, "then I still reserve the right to name my baby."

Colleen was too obvious. But it was the sensible choice.

My middle name had been Allen. We kicked around the use of Lynn and Allison.

But the the morning of the therapy session, Mom decided "Apple" would be my middle name.

She was a Gwyneth Paltrow fan (and her daughter's name is Apple).

Colleen Apple Greene. Pretty cool, huh?

Mauve thought so. I texted her the name and the other choices.

"Kudos to your mom," Mauve replied. "So much better than Lynn or Allison, although I think you'd make a really cool Alice."

As for the use of pronouns. That goes back to that conversation in the kitchen between Mom and Aunt Amy that Meg and eventually I walked in.

I walked in and gave Aunt Amy a hug.

"What's that for?" Aunt Amy said.

"Yeah, and don't I get one?" Mom asked.

"Mom. you said I could be anything I wanted when I grew up," I said.

"Yes, I did, kiddo," she said.

"Well, Aunt Amy said Meg and I were going to be women some day," I said. "That's what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a woman like you and Aunt Amy."

"A woman?" Beth asked during the session as we were telling her about that night.

"I haven't decided what else, yet," I said with a laugh.

"Well, you're in fifth grade, there's still time," Beth smiled as said.

Beth, to her credit, didn't hit us with a ton of bricks about hormones, or any other part of becoming what I wanted to be. She would outline those in later session.

"I just want Colleen to be comfortable in her own skin," Beth said. "It isn't going to be an easy journey."

Part of that would be growing as a girl. Part would still be presenting as a boy and until I was ready to completely shake up my world.
 

 
The ballet studio wasn't really the place to shake up the world, although the gender line was already pretty much smudged a bit.

When I was there, we didn't really concentrate on anything else, but dance. Everything else, except studying for school, was left at the door.

And I was cool with that. Next to the summer at grandma's, this was really where I began to find myself, although I was afraid of what would happen once everyone found out.

My closest new friends at the studio, Lucy and Hannah, I really wondered if they would have my back when I pronounced to the world that I was a girl. I knew Meg, Mauve and Lindsey would.

Everyone else, including Miss Jana and Madame Kathryn, I really wouldn't know. At least not then.

I found out after Nutcracker that Mom clued in Miss Jana, Madame Kathryn and Miss Olga, about what I was going through.

But they never let on that they knew. But they were supportive.

Miss Jana and Madame Kathryn, especially. They always wanted to know how I was doing emotionally.

Part of it, they explained, was because I was a boy in ballet, which was difficult enough. Boys put up with bullying and whispers behind their backs at school, and at times, even in a ballet studio even when they aren't dealing with gender identity issues.

But they never cut me slack because of it.

If I wasn't giving my best effort, I heard it from them.

"High, Collin," Miss Jana screamed during grande battements in class. "You have more flexibility than that. I've seen it."

"That's not your best fifth," Miss Jana said another time. "I know you have better turnout than that."

For the most part, I gave them both 100 percent in class and in rehearsals.

"I knew I made the right choice when I cast you as Harlequin," Madame Kathryn said after doll rehearsal.

And in Chinese dance rehearsal? I was schooling that dance, pretty well, I thought.

"You're much better than Shelly," Hannah said about the girl I replaced in the dance.

The final night of rehearsals before the Thanksgiving break, we got the lecture.

"We are giving all of you almost a full week off," Madame Kathryn said when she gathered all of the dancers together. "Try to do some stretching. Make sure you get some exercise. And don't overeat. I don't want anyone to try anything anorexic, I just want to make sure you still fit into your costumes. We'll only have two weeks left when you get back."

Sunday after Thanksgiving the rehearsals would be more intense, Meg explained. Everyone involved in Act I and Act II will be rehearsing together for the first time. And we'd be learning our finale dance.

It was a lot for me to digest, in addition to the food we would be eating at Grandma's.

And I couldn't wait to go to Grandma's.

I'd get to see Grams, of course, as Meg called her.

I would get to see my best bud Mauve.

And it would also be the moment of truth.

Mom and I decided that would be the time to tell the whole family.

Yup, Jack. And Maya. And Aunt Alice (did I mention my grandparents named all of their daughters with an 'A' name?) and Uncle Bert.

And Grams? Well, she already knew.
 
 
Related Video Scenes:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkXgqvjCfRA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUmMVOYtoYw

---

 
 
To Be Continued...
 

How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

---

Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

---

 
 
Chapter 6
 
Over the river and through the woods.

The line from the corny song Mom used to sing described the way to my Grandma's.

In years past, we'd all made our seperate journeys to Grandma's house during the holidays.

This year, Mom and Aunt Amy decided to pile us up in Aunt Amy's Taho. I ended up in the middle between Meg and Jack to keep them from picking at each other for the almost two hour trip.

I think Jack became annoyed because Meg and I talked the whole trip, although he did have his iPod.

"Is that all you stupid girls talk about is ballet?" Jack said.

"All right Jack, that's enough," Aunt Amy said.

No, Jack hadn't been told yet. But for the first time ever, Aunt Amy didn't correct.

Meg picked a little bit at him, reaching her arm behind my back when he was not looking and hit him in the head. He retaliated.

I have to admit I was a little relieved when we finally reached the house on the river. Aunt Alice, Uncle Bert and Maya were already there.

"Come on in," Grandma said. "Give me a hug."

She said that to just about everyone. We exchanged hugs, talked about how everything was going (well, except for the gender thing, that would come later).

Maya was doing something on her laptop when Meg, Jack and I joined her in the den.

I received a text from Mauve asking me if we arrived yet.

"Lindsey and Mauve are coming down," I told Meg.

"Oh, they are?" Maya asked. "I didn't see them much last summer."

"Oh great, a girlfest," Jack said.

"Don't think they'll be coming inside brat, so you can just go right ahead and play your video games," Meg said.

I sort of felt a little sorry for Jack. In years past, I'd be right there with him.

Maya tagged along when we saw them pull in the drive way on their bikes.

"What's up girlfriend?" I said as I hugged Mauve.

"Not a whole lot mi amiga," Mauve said.

"Oh my God, look at this hair," Lindsey said, pulling through my hair.

"I know, right?" Meg said. "It's really getting long. He has to wear it in a bun in ballet because he refuses to get it cut."

The five of us walked down to the dock, followed by our protector, Grandma's dog Prince.

Meg told Maya about our little contest.

"Can't believe you got naked, and in front of Collin," Maya said.

"Oh, that was nothing, it was just us girls down here anyway," Mauve said, and then said "Oops" when she realized that Maya hadn't been told.

It confused Maya a little bit. She thought it was funny that I ended having to spend a day in a bikini.

"Grams made Col walk all the way back to the house in the bikini," Meg said.

"No way!" Maya said.

"Yes way," I responded.

"Grams was cool," Meg said. "She never told our moms."

That really surprised Maya.

"We were surprised, too," I said. "But Grams turned out to be really cool."
 

 
It hit the fan before we got back to the house.

Mom and Aunt Amy thought it would be best to clue Aunt Alice and Uncle Bert before sitting down and talking to Maya and Jack about me.

Aunt Alice and Uncle Bert, and Maya, too, are uber religious.

They were shouting when we walked back in the house.

"My kids are not going to be exposed to a faggot," I heard Uncle Bert shout. "Anna, I can't believe you have no problem raising a queer."

"Daad, what are you talking about," a shell-shocked Maya asked.

"Your cousin wants to get a sex-change, and your aunt's going to let him have one," Uncle Bert said.

"Bertrend Willard Russell, you don't ever us that language in my house again," my grandmother shouted.

People were talking about packing up and leaving.

I was looking for a rock to climb under, but fled the house instead. I ran as fast as I could, and didn't care which direction I was running.

I fought back the tears as I ran. It was all my fault, I thought.

I found a tree next to the river. I sat down and cried.

I didn't notice Mauve and Lindsay's father coming and sitting down next to me. I didn't see him working on his boat.

"Care to talk to me about it?" he asked.

"No," I said. I was afraid he would react like Uncle Bert.

"Heard the shouting coming from over at your grandmother's," he said. "I was wondering what was going on."

"It's all my fault," I said.

"Really?" he replied. "Want to tell me about it."

"No, you wouldn't understand," I said.

"Oh, I don't know," he said. "Mauve came to me with a lot of questions not long ago about a friend she had who was born a boy, but is really a girl inside. That wouldn't happen to be you, would it?"

I didn't say a word. I was afraid of how he would react.

"I told Mauve she had a special friend, and she needed to be the best friend she could to her," he said. "That friend would really need her support if something ever happened."

I smiled. He brushed my hair a little bit and helped me up. He told me he looked forward to taking us tubing again in the summer.

I appreciated him taking a load off of my mind.

Suddenly I heard people shouting my name.

It was Mom and Meg. They were relieved to find me with Mauve and Lindsey's dad.

"I was really worried about you," Mom said as she held me tight.

"We all were," Meg said.

I didn't know if that were true. Things had sort of calmed down when we reached the house.

Although you could feel the tension, no one left. In the middle of the bombshell, it was revealed Aunt Alice was having another baby.

I went back in the den where Jack was playing video games. He was still a little shocked, too, Meg said.

He gave me a strange look, and then went back to his video games.

Meg asked me if I wanted to go with her to the shed, my thinking place, the place where I first told her there were times I wanted to be a girl.

"Sure," I said, still kind of in a state of shock myself.

Meg told Mom and Aunt Amy we were going to the shed to listen to music.

It was partly the truth. Meg brought her iPod and we did play some really cool music.

"You know I'll always have your back," Meg said.

Suddenly, there was a little tap at the door.

It was Maya asking if she could come in.

Meg hesitated. But I told her Maya could come in.

"I'm so sorry about Dad," she said.

"That's OK," I said.

"Is it really true, I mean, about you getting a sex-change?" Maya asked.

"Maya!" Meg said.

"No, it's OK," I said.

"I just wanted you to know we girls should stick together in this family," Maya said.

We make fun of Maya being a "dork" sometimes, but there are times when she could be really cool.
 

 
Uncle Bert told Mom that what I was going through really "didn't reconcile" with their faith, but he said that he loved us and would be praying for us. He apologized for the argument that nearly destroyed the family gathering.

Aunt Alice said she was support us in whatever we did, which meant a lot to Mom.

"I may not entirely agree with it, but I've never been confronted with something like this," Aunt Alice said.

Maya hugged me and told me she'd always be there for me.

They left on Saturday night because they had to be at church early the next day.

We were going to the early morning chapel service with Grandma. It was a Hamilton family tradition.

We would dress up in our Sunday best. Of course, now we were going to have to rush back home after the service. Act I rehearsal awaited.

I was in for a surprise after I got up and had a shower.

Laying on my bed was a dress, a slip. a pair of panties, training bra, boots, note and a purse.
 
 
Dearest Apple,

I've bought all of my granddaughters first dresses after they were born. I slipped out and bought yours (with Meg's help) after all of the madness yesterday. I believe you'll look really nice when we go to chapel.

Love,

Grandma.
 
 
I slipped on my underwear and slip and walked out into the kitchen and gave my grandmother a hug.

"Thanks Grams," I said with tears in my eyes.

"You're welcome my sweet Apple," she replied.

I asked Meg to help me get ready. I was so new to this.

Mom, Aunt Amy and Grandma were impressed with Meg's work helping me get ready.

"I present to you the lovely Miss Colleen Apple Greene," Meg said to my embarrasment.

Then Jack broke his silence.

"You're much prettier as a girl," he said almost stoicly.

I was in tears and speechless.

I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, which really surprised him.

"Thanks cuz, you're OK for a boy," I said.

Lindsey and Mauve were also dressed up in their Sunday best as they came walking up the driveway. They were going to chapel with us.

It was the first time I'd ever seen Mauve in a dress. She was gorgeous.

"Wow, you really dress up well," Mauve said.

"I was thinking about the same of you," I replied as we embraced.
 

 
"All dancers get to the barres," Miss Olga said in American-zed Russian accent.

There was hardly any barre space and it was the largest studio at the ballet school. We were packed like Sardines for the first Act I complete rehearsal.

And Miss Olga was making sure we warmed up before what was going to be a long rehearsal. For most of us, it was the first exercise we've had since the Thanksgiving break began, although Meg and I did stretch every day. We were made to do our plies, tendus, degages, fondus, frappes, developpes and grandebattements before we started rehearsal.

The room was not only filled with dancers aged four through professional guest artists, but it also included volunteers serving as parents for the party scene and boys who were drafted to be in the scene like Jack.

I heard Miss Jana tell the parents there were about 100 of us crammed in the room. It made things quite hot for us even though most of us were wearing only leotards and tights. It seemed like it was 80 degrees even though it was about 30 outside.

It was going to be a tiring rehearsal and an exhausting one. But it was also exciting. We were only a week away from production week at the theater.

"It's going to be a magical week, Colleen," Meg whispered to me after we were done with stretching.

The rehearsal helped me get my mind off of things that were turning my life upside down.

I was still Collin at the ballet school, but I didn't think of myself as a boy or a girl, just a dancer like everyone else.

It was fun watching the children get paired off with their "party parents" for the first time and watching how the party scene was finally put together. All of the Claras were amazing, but Lucy was the best.

And Jack, as much as he complained about having to be Fritz, seemed to enjoy hamming it up and being the bad boy on stage.

Me, I was rolled onto the "stage" in a freshly made box with wheels that looked like a giant present.

The man playing Clara's Uncle Drosselmeyer pretended to wind us up and we did our doll dance (we did it three times because of the rotation of the girls playing Columbine. Lucy was again the best).

"Great job Collin!" Madame Kathryn said after we did the dance a third time. "Your pirouettes are looking really nice."

After my dance, I watched from the corner of the studio and marveled how the party scene unfolded. I have to admit, the parents dance looked pretty funny the first time they did it because most of the "dads" had never danced before.

"Could you imagine Rick doing that?" I whispered to Meg about my Mom's boyfriend.

"Nope, and I can't imagine Mark doing that, either," Meg giggled.

After the party scene ended came my next big scene, the battle scene.

It was my turn to be a toy soldier. I grabbed my gun, marched out and danced as we pretended to battle the mice. It was going to be one cool show.

The crowd cleared out when it came time for the snow dancers like Meg to rehearse.

But I stayed.

Snow rehearsal was magical to me. All of the girls were amazing, especially Meg.

I imagined it was me out there being beautiful and graceful. A part of me yearned to be old enough to lace the ribbons on my pink pointe shoes and be out there with them.

Related Video Scenes:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ballet barre work
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dgfj7XwxJHU

Party scene rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp1YfhNXPF4

Party parents dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzjUQaq7gaE

Battle scene rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVPQWs4Qlb0

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To Be Continued...
 

Collin, now Colleen, having revealed herself to her family, faces an uncertain future.
She knows what she wants, but, is she brave enough to accomplish it?

 

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Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

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Chapter 7
 
The place seemed huge. I seemed so small.

Standing on the stage, I looked out and saw all of those empty seats, including those in the balcony.

"Pretty scary, isn't it?" Meg said as she put an arm around my shoulder.

"Uh, huh," I said.

Miss Jana told us at the last rehearsal that every seat would be filled for the school shows. And most seats would be filled during our public shows, with the Saturday evening and Sunday matinée shows being sellouts.

"More than 12,000 people will see you dance this week," she told us.

I tried not to think about the crowd when I sat down to do my stretching before our first "marking" rehearsal.

"How are you feeling today?" Meg said. "Mom said you've started your hormone treatments last week."

I told her I felt fine. The therapist told me I'd probably experience mood swings. But I was really more nervous about how I was going to do on stage during the shows. We had seven to do in four days at the end of the week.

"I think you'll do fine," Meg reassured me. "I was super nervous my first Nutcracker. But you'll have much fun, the butterflies will disappear quickly. You won't notice you've had them."

"I hope so," I said right before we started our run through of the Second Act.

We didn't dance our parts during our marking rehearsal, it was more of a walk-through, dance-through. We had to make sure our spacing was right. We needed to get a feel of how far we needed to be either up-stage, or down-stage.

"I don't anyone to go dancing off into the orchestra pit," Madame Kathryn said to much laughter.

Miss Olga assured us it did happen once to a friend of hers when she was dancing in Russia.

The tech crew also experimented with the lighting and the changing of the sets between scenes.

Everything had to be perfect for the opening show.

After our marking, Madame Kathryn gave us a pep talk before we gathered our things and when off to search for dressing rooms.

Theater week was its own little world.

And that world was a little cramped back stage. The girls had the larger dressing rooms. I wished I could be in there with Meg, Lucy, Hannah and Piper.

"Oh no, you're not going in there," My Aunt Amy said as I was about to walk into the dressing room labeled "Boys."

"Madame Kathryn put you into the dressing room with the guest artists because you've got so many costume changes."

Meg kidded me about "being one of the stars" because of my dressing room assignment.

I told her of my preference, which was to be in the room with her. I really wouldn't have minded being in there with the boys, either.

"How's it going?" said Marco, who was 15 and was playing the Nutcracker prince.

"OK, I guess," I said as I put my bag away and set my make-up kit on the counter. We were the youngest in a dressing room with two guys alternating between Sugar Plum cavalier, Snow cavalier and soldier doll.

My costumes were hanging up, waiting for me. I have to admit, I was a little uncomfortable dressing in front of my dressing room mates.

"I never thought of that," Meg said when I told her.

Since I started hormones, Mom allowed me to dress exclusively as a girl at home.

"Wow, yeah, I understand how you feel," she said. "I guess I'd feel the same way if I had to change in front of boys.

Especially Marco, I mean he is really cute."
 

 
Talk about jitters. It was that way ever since I woke up. It was opening morning.

"You've hardly said a word," Mom said as we pulled into the theater parking lot. "You'll do great. You're going to make me proud."

I have to admit company warm-ups helped calm my nerves. We pulled out portable barres onto the stage.

It was like a regular class, except not as strenuous, a lot more relaxed and fun. Ms. Jana led it. She played Christmas music, most of it modern. She liked playing Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. songs, but mixed in were songs from "Charlie Brown's Christmas" and "The Grinch," which we sang during grande battments.

"Still nervous?" Meg asked when warm-ups were over.

"Yeah, especially since I slipped on my butt during Chinese last night," I said about dress rehearsal, which went well other than my slipping on my butt.

"You know what they say? Bad dress-good show," Meg said. "And you did great other than fall. And we all messed up last night getting used to orchestra music."

She was right. Rehearse as much as you can with a CD and you still can't simulate orchestra music's timing.

I slipped on my tights, leotard and Harlequin costume as the orchestra started to play the overture. My heart really began to pound.

I walked back out to the wings waiting to get into the box for my entrance and saw all of the adult volunteers who were playing parents and all of the party kids dressed in their "1800s" best. It was pretty magical watching them take the stage and dance around.

And watching Jack ham it up as Fritz picking on Meredith, the girl playing Clara.

"I think this part came easy for him," said Meg as she walked up beside me already dressed in her Snow costume.

"He's pretty much been doing that to me all of his life."

"He's really good at it," I giggled.

"He enjoys it way too much," Meg said.

"Collin, it's time to get into the box," said one of the mothers who was part of the tech crew. It was a giant Christmas box with wheels on it. One of the party dads rolled it on stage.

The actor from the community theater playing Drosselmeyer opened the box to start the dolls dance. I looked at Lucy.

She winked and whispered "we've got this." The man playing Drosselmeyer pretended to wind me up, while the maid wound up Lucy.

We started on cue with the orchestra. We started are dance, which included for me a few pique turns. I blew her kisses, then tried for my pirouettes. I don't know what got into me. Instead of a double, I tried for three and nailed it.

The dance concluded with Lucy spinning onto my knee.

The applause for us was loud.

A couple of the party dads carted us off like a pair of dolls we pretended to be. Once we were in the wings, there was a mad dash to about four mothers, including mine. Lucy and I, and a few of the girls playing "party girls," rushed over and stripped down to our leotards and tights. We then hopped into our soldier costumes.

I asked Mom if my hat was on right.

"Of course, dear," she said. "You look wonderful."

I felt an adrenaline rush as the orchestra began to play the music for our march. We marched back on stage, danced with our rifles, turning and doing pas de bourees (steps we do in almost every combination we do). The we began our battle.

Hannah, one of my fellow soldiers, had one of the funniest parts of the party scene. She got to "fire" her gun after one of the girls playing a mouse wiggled her butt at her. The mouse fell wounded to the floor much to the laughter of the audience.

Finally, Marco the Nutcracker Prince, appeared on the stage and began his sword fight with the mouse king, who was played by a boy in the local theater group, who was pretty funny, especialy when he died. He moved his legs like a rat dying on the floor. The other mice were comical as the drug him off stage.

We slowly marched off stage. As soon as I got in the wing, Meg grabbed me before we took the stage.

She kissed me on the cheek.

"Oh my God, I'm so proud of you!" she whispered. "You were so great, cuz!"

It was her turn to shine. I stood in the wings and watched, she was so beautiful dancing out there en pointe. Her bourees were so graceful and elegant. I wanted to be so much like her when I got to be her age.

She was exhausted when she came off stage. Snow and Waltz of the flowers are two of the three longest dances in our version of the Nutcracker.

Miss Jana gave me a hug as I started to head toward my dressing room.

"Look at you knocking down a triple during your first ever dance on stage," she said. "You are doing unbelievable job."
 

 
"Does it bother you doing a girl's part?" Marco asked while I put the finishing touches on my makeup.

"Oh no," I said as I finished putting on my deep red lipstick. "It's fun, really. I love to dance. And dancing Chinese gives me a chance to dance in the Second Act."

I checked my bun. I then put the flower in my hair and grabbed my parasol. It was almost showtime again.

I accidentally bumped into Madame Kathryn in the hallway.

"Sorry Madame Kathryn," I said.

"That's OK Collin, good job out there on the stage," she said. "Can you go to your cousin's dressing room and knock on the door. They need to be getting through. The curtain's about to rise for the Second Act."

I rushed over to Meg's dressing room and knocked on the door.

"We're all dressed, come on in," a voice said after I knocked on the door.

"Madame Kathryn said you guys need to hurry, the Second Act is about to start," I said to Meg as she finished putting on her makeup.

"We're almost done!" Meg said. "Oh my God Collin, you look so cute!"

I modeled my silk coat that came down almost to my knees, and my white tights.

"And you did your makeup all by yourself?" she asked, noticing my base, red lips, red cheeks and eye liner.

I shook my head yes.

"You look beautiful," I said to Meg, who was all decked out in her pink dress and pink tight tights, along with her makeup.
 

 
"She's beautiful, don't you think?" Meg asked Lucy and I as Piper danced the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy to start the act right after our little angel girls did their little circle around the stage.

"Yeah, she is," I said, pointing out Piper's footwork. "Can't wait to see you dancing it in a couple of years."

"I don't know about that," Meg said, selling herself short.

Miss Jana told me once she could see Meg in the role in a couple of years.

My heart began to pound again when we took the stage for the opening of the divertisments (the dances in the Land of the Sweets). For those who don't know, that's when Clara and the Nutcracker Prince tell the Sugar Plum Fairy about the battle and death of the Mouse King, where the curse is lifted on the Nutcracker and he becomes a prince.

We're then dismissed to get ready for our individual dances.

Some of the girls in Ballet III led off with the Spanish dance. They danced along with a guest artist who also danced the role of the Snow cavalier. They were amazing. There dance had a little Mexican hat dance style and the audience loved it.

A few more of my classmates danced in the Arabian corps while one of our senior company members, Kacey Henry, danced the lead role. It's more of an exotic dance. She was breath taking, from what I could see. Their dance was right before ours.

"Good luck," one of my classmates said as we took the stage for Chinese. It's a short dance, only about a minute long.

But maybe the saying is true about bad dress becoming a great show. Not only did I not land on my butt, I danced probably the best I had since rehearsals began. I again did a triple pirouette.

"Show off!" Hannah whispered during our bow. I knew she was just kidding. She blew me a kiss as we were hamming it up walking off the stage. We evidently did well. The applause was loud.

We watched in the wings during the athletic Russian dance, and the funny Shepherdess and Mother Ginger dances.

They're always a crowd pleaser because of the little girls playing the lambs and the little girls coming out from other Mother Ginger's skirt. Mother Ginger, by the way, is played by one of the dad's who is actually about 6-feet-4.

Then it came time for Flowers. Meg again was beautiful. She nailed her fouettes and tour jetes. It was a fun, graceful dance. I gave her a hug as she came off stage. She was breathing hard because her dance, thanks to the orchestra, was nearly nine minutes long.

She reached her arm around my shoulder as we watched the Sugar Plum pas de deux. It was very romantic. The cavalier did an amazing job lifting Piper up during the lifts. And she was her usual flawless self.

Then it was our turn to get back out on stage for the Finale Dance. It was fun. Those of us in the Chinese dance were a little comical. Everyone did great.

During final bows, we got a standing ovation. I did not want the feeling to end.
 

 
I couldn't believe the performances were over. I put my costumes on the rack. I packed my dance clothes into my bag and gathered gifts (it's a Nutcracker tradition to exchange gifts with the people you were in dances with). I waited on Meg to emerge from her dressing room before walking out to the lobby to be with our family.

"I think I'm having Nutcracker withdrawals already," Meg said as we walked past the stage one final time and watched the tech crew disassemble the sets.

It was kind of sad. We hugged our friends and told them we couldn't wait to see them after the Christmas break.

And then we walked out to the lobby. Our moms and their boyfriends were waiting. So was Jack. And much to our surprise, so were Grams, Lindsey, Mauve and Maya.

Mauve gave me a bouquet of flowers. Lindsey did the same for Meg.

"Thank you, mi amiga," I said as I hugged Mauve.

"You did great girlfriend," Mauve whispered. "Just letting you know I got ya a gift for Christmas when you come to your grandmas. But you can't wear it until you come up for the summer because you'll catch cold."

I looked at Lindsay. She laughed.

"You know Mauve," Lindsey said. "She's already got plans for when you and Meg are with us this summer."
 

 
"Five more minutes ladies," our artistic director said as he knocked on our dressing room door.

"Hold on," Meg said as she put the final touches of makeup on.

I adjusted my tutu and asked her what she thought.

"You look beautiful," she said. "All of the guys in the audience are going to go week in the knees when they see you."

"Oh, sure, I said."

We are preparing to take the stage for George Balanchine's "Jewels."

Meg is a principal. I'm a demi soloist.

Did I mention we're dancing tonight at Lincoln Center?

We have an interview with Dance Magazine right after the performance.

Then we're supposed to meet Jack and Mauve for dinner in Georgetown.

Did I mention he's proposing to her tonight?

But that's another story.
 
 
Related Video Scenes:
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Dolls dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9PGLF55wHU

Battle scene
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJBrYKbmZ1I

Dance of the Snowflakes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lfWgX2HgHQ

Chinese dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlMiFpmMXdQ

Waltz of the Flowers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDwgK9JKUiw

Finale Waltz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAa_kb7FZ8w

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