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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 1: My Childhood Wishes Unfulfilled
 
I can picture, quite clearly, the first occasion that I was conscious of wanting to wear a dress. It was in the early summer of 1994, when I was approaching four years of age. To some people, this may seem an odd desire for a little boy, yet even then it didn’t come as a complete surprise to me and so I now wonder if the wish had been gradually forming in my mind for some time even before this date. It would be nearly fifteen years before my wish was fulfilled and in the meanwhile I knew instinctively that I must keep my desire a secret. Even as a three-year-old I was conscious that I would never be able to explain how I felt to my parents, to my big sister, and above all, to my contemporaries in the village and later at school.

The realisation in question came as my mother was helping my grown up sister, Carol, to get ready for her end of school prom (there was a thirteen and a half year age gap between us). The door to her bedroom was open and I peered into the room to watch as Mum helped Carol fix her hair, feeling a mixture of admiration and envy about the lovely clothes my sister was wearing and how beautiful she looked. Carol must have noticed in the mirror that I was staring at her.

‘What is it Nick, what do you want?’ she asked.

‘Nothing,’ I replied, guiltily, turning to leave.

My mother turned to look at me.

‘When you are grown up, Nick, you’ll be able to escort a young lady wearing a beautiful dress like this to the school prom.’

I grunted in agreement and left, knowing that I couldn’t possibly explain to her, or to anybody else, that it was me who wanted to be escorted to the prom, wearing a beautiful dress with perfect hair and make-up.

I never forgot that incident, nor lost my secret desire to dress and be treated as a girl and I would use the time between going to bed and falling asleep each night to invent situations and scenarios involving myself that for the time being sought to fulfil my private longings.

~o~O~o~

Carol left us to go to Oxford University later that summer, before I’d had much chance to get to know her. She proceeded to do extremely well, won prizes in economics and got invited to attend and later help to organize summer schools overseas. Thus we didn’t see a lot more of her after that year, apart from occasional fleeting visits at Christmas. Ultimately, at the age of twenty-three, she was head-hunted to join the trading floor of an investment bank, and has been living in London ever since. My parents’ marriage also began to break up round about the time that Carol left home and we saw less and less of my father until one day Mum announced that he had left for good. In retrospect, I can see that it wasn’t entirely his fault. Their marriage had been on the rocks before I was born and once Carol left Mum transferred all her attention and affection to me and gradually froze him out. At the time I was too young to understand what was happening.

Thus I grew up living a fairly isolated and sheltered life in our village of Brome, on the border between the East Anglian counties of Norfolk and Suffolk. Although I was not, strictly speaking, an only child, to all intents and purposes I might just as well have been. It was a moderately happy childhood, but I always kept in the background and with my head firmly below the parapet. There were a couple of other lads in the village of my age, but unfortunately no girls for me to have as friends, as I would have preferred. I suppose I became something of a ‘mummy’s boy’ but managed to avoid making any enemies and was never bullied at school in the way that some kids were if they were perceived as being different. I knew instinctively when to keep my mouth shut and that there were certain feelings that you must never admit to in any circumstances. In other respects I coped with school although I never shone in the way my sister had done before me. I was not exactly in my sister’s shadow at school, but I was in the shadow of her reputation.

~o~O~o~

I had turned eighteen before I ever came across a man wearing a dress, although no doubt I‘d passed transgendered individuals in the street without being aware of them. One has to say, though, that cross-dressing is not exactly a common feature of East Anglian village life - at least not out of doors. Of course I’d seen various entertainers on television or in films - but that doesn’t count — they’re not real people. My first encounter with a ‘real live’ drag artiste and indeed other men who made their living dressed as women was just over a year ago when my cousin took me to a club in Soho. But before I embark on my story, I’d better fill you in with a little more background.

~o~O~o~

By the age of seventeen I’d decided that University wasn’t going to be for me, but that was the only concrete decision I’d made about my future. Unfortunately, there were no jobs available in the vicinity of our village, other than casual agricultural labour. The only options seemed to be hoeing beet in the open fields in the springtime, fruit picking in the late summer or plucking and gutting turkeys in drafty, foul-smelling factories in the run up to Christmas. Such jobs paid the legal minimum wage, but didn’t even provide steady work. I therefore considered the possibility of working in either Ipswich or Norwich, which were at least accessible by rail from where we lived. Mum worked in an office in the town of Diss and could give me a lift to the station each morning. It was a half-hourly service but the fares were expensive, the trains unreliable and getting home was still going to be a pain in the neck, particularly as Mum was at last beginning to rebuild her social life. I did my best, but in 2009 most employers were trying to find ways to circumvent the labour legislation by offering youngsters, such as myself, unpaid or very poorly paid ’trial’ periods and then getting rid of us as soon as we asked for the minimum wage. After a few weeks at work I found that the money I’d earned as a so-called ‘trainee’ hadn’t even covered my travelling costs.

Ultimately, my big sister Carol came to my rescue, no doubt feeling a little guilty that she and her banker colleagues had helped to flush the economy down the pan and condemn my generation to prolonged bouts of unemployment. Despite the banking crisis she could still afford to live in a smart two-bedroom flat in Willesden, north London, and offered to let me stay in her spare room, rent-free, until I could find a reasonable job to support myself. She worked long hours at Canary Wharf and often stayed after work for a drink with her colleagues. She also occasionally stayed out all night, but never explained where she’d been. She tended to be scandalously wasteful of the food that she had delivered to the flat each week. I was therefore invited to help myself to anything she had in her kitchen, which also reduced my living costs somewhat. I willingly accepted her offer and did my best to repay her kindness by keeping the flat clean and tidy, and preparing meals for us both, although I often ended up eating them by myself. Otherwise I was pretty much left to my own devices after I arrived in London in early September of that year.

I wasn’t entirely without funds however: Mum had recently put five hundred pounds into my bank account as an eighteenth birthday present, and I’d found a couple of short-lived casual jobs through an agency. When I wasn’t working I also qualified for Job Seekers Allowance as a NEET (an 18-year old who is ‘not in employment education or training’) which just about covered my absolute basic needs. I was not going to starve but certainly would not have enough money to be able to fend for myself without my sister’s generosity.

The only other person I knew in London at this time was my cousin, Lucy, who began her third year as a psychology student at University College shortly after I arrived there. Lucy lived in Hornsey in a room in one of those large Victorian houses, now converted in to Bedsits. It is a cosmopolitan area and she had a number of interesting housemates including Randi, a drag artiste. Randi, was in his (or her) late-thirties and worked as the MC at a nightclub in Soho. (Lucy told me to use either the male or female personal pronoun to refer to Randi according to how (s)he was dressed at the time). Randi could be outrageously funny and was also very personable. (S)he would occasionally treat my cousin to complimentary tickets to the club. Lucy realised that I’d only recently come down to London, knew no-one and was pretty broke. She was between boyfriends at the time and was also some weeks away from submitting her first University assignment. She therefore persuaded Randi to give her a couple more free tickets and offered to take me out for the evening. I was happy to spend an evening away from the television set and at least to have some company for once.

As I said, I’d never been to a drag show before and had very mixed feelings when we entered, expecting it to be tacky and in some ways a mockery of the secret fantasies that went on in my head. The venue was certainly very popular on Friday nights, and I was both intrigued and embarrassed at the same time. Before the evening’s entertainment began I noticed that some of the bar staff and the waitresses were tall enough to be men, even if they did not exactly resemble them in looks. Others were so good looking that I assumed they must be women, although, given the environment in which they were working, I could not be absolutely sure. The floor-show was introduced by Randi, who was wearing a glamorous long dress, high heeled boots, a blonde wig and immaculate make-up. There was little doubt that Randi was a man, but ‘she’ looked fabulous all the same, and was a great compere. Some of the stand-up performers were quite funny, others were a little bit coarse for my taste (although Lucy seemed to enjoy their performances). One of the performers was quite sexy — one might even say beautiful - and I would have given anything to change places with her. Another would never have passed as a woman in the street in daylight, and realised as much. One or two could sing and dance creditably; but the remainder just relied on their looks and their costumes to get by. All in all, it was an enjoyable show and nowhere near as tacky as I’d been expecting.

During the interval Randi, stopped by our table to acknowledge my cousin.

‘So Lucy, my darling, what did you think of our little show tonight?’

‘It was truly gorgeous throughout, a work of art, especially your commentary, sweetie,’ she replied adopting the same OTT style.

Randi made a small girlish hand-gesture, as if to demur and in doing so displayed a set of beautifully manicured and lacquered fingernails and a large fake diamond ring.

‘That’s so kind of you to say so my love. The show may have been ok but I’m afraid I’m getting a little long in the tooth to be performing.’

It was probably true, for although she looked glamorous and might once have been fairly convincing dressed as a woman she was no longer one of the true beauties in the show.

‘You’re good for a few years yet, Randi; a paragon of loveliness, who can teach us youngsters the meaning of the word,’ my cousin answered. ‘But tell me what does a drag queen do once she gets too old to perform?’

‘She either becomes a dress designer, a hairdresser, an impresario, or a street-walker. Of those, only the impresario holds any attractions to me, my dear. That’s why we’re organising our drag debutantes’ contest tomorrow week to look out for some fresh talent.’

‘What’s that?’ she asked.

‘It’s a talent competition for youngsters who have never appeared professionally in drag before.’ She looked across towards me then added: ‘You can bring the boyfriend along if you like, he might just do alright.’

‘Oh, this is Nick, and he’s my cousin rather than my boyfriend,’ Lucy replied.

‘So much the better,’ she said. ‘Delighted to make your acquaintance young man,’ she said giving an exaggerated curtsey whilst flashing me a nice smile. She held out her hand to me. I wasn’t sure whether she was expecting me to kiss it or to shake it. I did the latter.

‘I really enjoyed the show,’ I managed to say, beginning to go red as I did so.

‘What a sweet boy,’ said Randi to Lucy. ‘How old is he?’

‘Eighteen.’

I blushed to the roots of my hair.

‘Well Nicholas, how would you like to come along as Nicole next Saturday? With your looks you might do quite well in our competition’ she said, inspecting my facial features as she did so.

I continued to blush.

‘I’m afraid I have absolutely no performing talent,’ I replied.

‘I’ve never let a lack of talent hold me back in show business, my dear. Good looks are just as important as talent for any budding drag princess.’

I smiled and looked away not knowing what to say in response. Randi could see I was getting embarrassed, so she turned instead to Lucy.

‘I’ll even let you both in free again next week if your cousin comes in drag.’

I blushed even further at the idea of a ‘drag princess.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘It’s not for me.’

‘Such a pity,’ said Randi smiling.

She said goodbye and left us to go and talk to another table. I said nothing, half-hoping that Lucy might raise the subject with me again and perhaps even try to persuade me to change my mind, but after a minute or two of silence she started talking about something else.

Lucy and I stayed for the second half of the show, but didn’t remain at the club for long afterwards as neither of us could afford their drink prices. We walked with one another to Oxford Circus tube station where we were about to go our separate ways home.

‘Thanks Lucy, I’ve enjoyed my evening,’ I said, giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek.

‘Good! It has been nice to see you again, Nick. So what did you think of my neighbour Randi?’ she asked.

I smiled.

‘She’s certainly different from most housemates you’re likely to come across, but she seems quite friendly and I’d imagine she’d be good fun to know.’

‘Have you had any further thoughts about her proposition to you?’ she asked.

I’d been thinking of nothing else since she’d spoken to me.

‘I don’t think I’ll take her up on the offer,’ I answered, hating myself as I said so. ‘In any event what would I wear?’

Lucy didn’t respond to my question, and we’d now reached the point where I had to follow the tunnel leading to the Bakerloo Line and she needed to make her way to the Victoria Line. So I said goodbye once again and we went our separate ways. All the way home I held my mobile phone trying to pluck up the courage to ring Lucy and tell her that I’d changed my mind and would really love to go dressed as Nicole next week, and to ask whether she might help me to do so. But I never did.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 2: Lucy and Randi have a plan
 

For once Carol was back at the flat before I was and was busy helping herself to the remains of a casserole that I’d prepared.

‘Hi Nick! Did you have a good time with Lucy tonight?’ she asked.

‘Yes thanks,’ I answered but didn’t volunteer any more detail.

‘So where did you go?’ she asked.

‘We went to a night club in Soho, Lucy had some free tickets from one of her housemates.’

‘Are you old enough to be going out to night clubs?’ she asked.

‘Yes, of course, now that I’m eighteen I’m old enough to go anywhere,’ I replied.

Carol obviously now sees herself as the guardian of my welfare and morals, at least whilst I’m staying under her roof, but I can’t complain, she is being good to me.

‘Have you had any luck job hunting, this week?’

‘Not really. I’ve completed and sent off a couple more application forms for jobs in supermarkets, but haven’t heard anything,’ I replied.

In all probability I’d never hear another word from them as was usually the case these days.

‘Don’t worry; I’m sure that something will turn up.’

We chatted for a while and then I went to bed. As usual, I used the twenty or so minutes before I fell asleep to fantasize about me wearing a dress, looking truly beautiful and being admired by my friends and family. Only this time there was the additional image of me entering and then winning a competition as the most beautiful drag debutante. But I realised it was all just fantasy. I hated my cowardice which would always condemn me to a lonely and rather grey life.

~o~O~o~

Lucy rang me the following morning: fortunately Carol was still in bed at the time.

‘Hi Nick, I’ve just seen Randi again this morning, only this time he was in male mode. He really thinks that you should go in for that competition at the club. I told him that you would like to do so but didn’t have anything suitable to wear.’

’Did I say that? Perhaps they teach mind reading in her psychology course?’

‘Go on!’ I said, unsure where this conversation was leading.

‘He has come up with a really great idea, if you are willing to cooperate.’

My heart began to pound.

‘What sort of idea?’ I asked, trying not to sound too interested.

‘You know that I can’t sing or dance!’

‘You wouldn’t have to. Apparently some of these competitions can be a little bit dull, with wannabe drag queens lip synching to I Feel Pretty, or I Enjoy Being a Girl. Ideally they want to discourage such entries and encourage more originality, but as there are bound to be some they want to inject some light relief into the proceedings.’

‘In what way?’

‘Do you remember the white halter dress that Marilyn Monroe wore in the film ‘The Seven Year Itch?’ she asked.

‘Is that the one where she stood over the subway grating?’

‘Yes, that’s right. Randi could borrow a replica of it for you to wear and the club could provide you with everything else you might need to complete the outfit.’

‘But I have dark brown hair!’ I protested.

‘We know that,’ she replied eagerly. ‘They could also loan you a platinum blonde wig to go with it. Randi thinks that with the right make-up you could do a reasonable impression of a Wannabe Marilyn Monroe. The plan is that you should enter the competition supposedly intending to mime to Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend, which is another regular entry. Randi has written a little humorous sketch in which he would interview you, taking the mickey, somewhat. Then as soon as you started miming your song, they will have an air blower ready to re-enact that scene from the film, where she stands over the grate and her dress is blown up in her face. Randi thinks the sketch would go down really well with the audience. Of course you wouldn’t get to finish your song, but you never wanted to in the first place.’

I could picture the scene in my mind: the ivory pleated dress, the high heeled sandals, the blonde hair and the make-up. It all seemed impossibly glamorous and although intended as a parody it was also the fulfillment of my night time fantasies. But how would I cope dressed like that in front of an audience? I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to turn down the idea, but couldn’t find the words to say what I really felt.

‘So what do you think?’ she asked, impatiently.

‘I don’t think I could, Lucy,’ I said in a hesitant voice.

But she wasn’t going to give up quite so easily.

‘All you’d need to do is put on a girly voice whilst Randi interviews you, and follow his script. As you are being ‘planted’ among the competitors you would be able to get changed at the club, and in any event you would need a rehearsal with Randi on Saturday afternoon. I could help you to get yourself ready. It will be good fun.’

Even now, with all this encouragement, I still couldn’t bring myself to give an outright yes.

‘What would Carol think about me appearing in public dressed as Marilyn Monroe?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea. Does she have to know?’ replied Lucy. ‘You could always stay at my place for the weekend.’

‘I suppose so,’ I replied without really thinking what I was saying.

‘So you’ll agree to the plan and enter the competition next week?’ she asked sounding really enthused by the idea.

My heart was pounding in my chest, and my mind began to reel. I took a deep breath.

‘Alright then,’ I replied, and suddenly felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my soul.

‘Great, I’ll make the necessary arrangements with Randi, and email you a script,’ said Lucy sounding genuinely pleased. ‘Can you come round to my flat next Friday evening for a dry run? In fact, why not stay at my flat on Friday evening, so we can devote the whole of Saturday to getting you ready. I have an inflatable mattress that you can use to sleep on.’

‘I don’t see why not; will I also be able to go back to your place to get changed after the show?’

‘Yes of course, we’d better not leave you to make your way home on Saturday night dressed as Marilyn Monroe.’

’If only I could.’ I thought to myself.

‘What do I need to bring with me?

‘Just bring a change of clothes for when you return home on Sunday and your toothbrush. I’ll arrange for everything else that you might need. What shoe size do you take?’

‘Size six.’

‘Ideal! The club will probably provide them, but if necessary I’ll loan you a pair of mine!’

‘Alright then, I’ll see you on Friday night,’ I said rather flatly, although my heart was pounding in my chest.

‘In the meanwhile you could do some research on Marilyn Monroe on You-Tube. Her version of Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend is from the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and, as you know, the scene on the subway grate is from ‘The Seven Year Itch.’

I was in a state of shock as I put the phone down. I was at last going to achieve my greatest ambition, something I’d been dreaming about virtually every night since I was four. I would spend the evening dressed as an attractive young woman. Maybe it was a part of a staged comedy routine, but for most of the evening I would be able to pretend that it was really me.

‘Who was that you were talking to on the phone?’ asked Carol, emerging from her bedroom a few minutes later.

‘It was Lucy again; she’s just invited me to stay at her flat for the coming weekend.’

‘Alright, but don’t get up to anything silly, or else Mum will blame me if her precious little boy should come to any harm.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,’ I replied, with a quiet smile.

~o~O~o~

I arrived at Lucy’s flat at the appointed time on the Friday evening and was invited inside. I noticed the 1950s ivory-coloured cocktail dress, on a hanger in her front room. It had a halter-style bodice that buttoned behind the neck, leaving the back bare, together with a calf-length soft-pleated skirt.

‘So is that the famous dress?’ I asked.

‘Only a replica: after all, the original recently sold for more than four and a half million dollars,’ answered Lucy.

‘Wow!’

‘This dress is considered a twentieth century icon, you are lucky to have the chance of wearing it.’

I didn’t respond.

‘So have you had a look at the two video clips on You-Tube, Nick?’ she asked, changing the subject.

I nodded, not wanting to admit that I’d watched each one at least a dozen times over the previous week, or that I’d also been out and bought the DVDs of both films. After all, I didn’t have that much to do in the evenings other than vainly fill in job application forms or compose variations on my somewhat thin c.v. The two films were not exactly masterpieces of cinematography, but Marilyn Monroe was truly lovely in each one. The idea that I might be able to imitate her seemed simply ridiculous, and I’d begun to get cold feet about the whole project.

‘Lucy, I know that you and Randi have gone to a lot of trouble over this weekend, but I’m beginning to wonder whether it is such a good idea.’

‘It is a great idea. That sketch is very funny and you’ll look wonderful, believe me,’ she replied, decisively.

‘It’s the getting up in public in front of a large audience, that concerns me,’ I replied.

‘How many members of the audience do you know, or will know you?’

‘None, as far as I’m aware, apart from you, that is.’

‘Precisely!’

I didn’t respond, still trying to make up my mind about what to do.

‘Well, it’s up to you, Nick, nobody is going to force you to enter, but remember that if you turn down this offer you may never get another opportunity in your life to look quite so gorgeous,’ she continued, smiling sweetly.

‘You’re making fun of me!’

‘No I’m not, honestly Nick. I think most men and most women wonder at some point what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex, but relatively few ever get to find out as most people do not look very convincing when cross-dressed, but you are one of the minority that would do so.’

‘It isn’t the dressing up, that worries me,’ I replied, thinking as I did so that it was that aspect which truly excited me, if I could only do it in private. ‘It’s doing it in front of an audience. I’m not an extravert.’

‘Nobody is, to begin with, it just takes a little practice and then you will grow in confidence. The whole point of wearing a lovely dress like that is to be able to show yourself off to other people, especially if you’ve the benefit of an attractive looking body and a pretty face.’

Is she referring to me?’

I didn’t reply, Lucy therefore continued with her persuasion.

‘I think you’ll find that once you’re wearing the wig and some make-up you’ll feel a lot more confident about things, but, as I said before, nobody is going to force you to go in for the competition if you don’t want to.’

Once again, I hesitated before answering.

’Why can’t I just be honest about how I feel?’

‘Look, Nick, you’ve come over tonight, so at least let us try out the clothes and the wig. If you’re still unhappy, we can forget all about it.’

If I don’t say yes soon, she’s going to give up, and then I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

‘Alright, I’ll see how it goes tonight, but I’m making no promises regarding tomorrow.’

‘Great, now take your trousers and shirt off, I want to inspect your arms and legs before we go any further.’

I did as she said.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not very hairy,’ I said.

‘I’m afraid that not very isn’t good enough. Your arms, legs, shoulders and back will be visible with the dress that you are going to wear, so you’ll need to be completely smooth all over, especially your arm pits which will be on display as well.’

I let her run her hand over my bare arms and legs.

‘You’ve nicely shaped legs for a guy but we are going to need to de-fuzz them before you put on the tights, but don’t worry it won’t take long and the hair will soon grow back again afterwards.’

‘I just hope that Carol doesn’t notice in the meanwhile,’ I said as my cousin began to spread depilatory cream under my arm pits and to shave my legs.’

‘There’s no reason why she should, as long as you don’t wander round the flat in shorts and a skimpy vest for a week or two,’ replied Lucy.

Half an hour later she was finished.

‘There, how does that feel?’

I’d not really thought about it before, but it was a nice feeling to have totally smooth arms and legs for once.

‘Alright, I suppose.’

‘Here put these on for now, and try and tuck your manhood out of the way so that nothing will be visible’ said Lucy.

She handed me a pair of elasticated knickers, and some white coloured nylon tights. They both looked brand new to me.

‘You seem to have gone to some expense on my behalf.’

‘I just bought a few items of underclothes that you will need, but the club is going to pay for them.’

I followed her instructions, carefully gathering up each leg of the tights and then inserting my leg, then pulling them up. This proved to be a truly pleasurable experience, especially now that my legs were so silky smooth. I must admit that I’d thought about trying on tights on several occasions but had never had the courage to do so before. It was so silly, I could easily have bought myself a pair from any supermarket and then tried them on in private, yet I’d always been too frightened to do so.

‘How do they feel?’ she asked.

‘It’s a really nice sensation, isn’t it,’ I said, at last allowing myself to express a little bit of enthusiasm.

She smiled and gently ran her fingers over my legs, making them tingle.

‘Yes, I suppose it is a nice feeling on the first few occasions but the novelty wears off after a while, especially if you have to wear them every day.’

‘That won’t be an issue for me,’ I replied.

Lucy changed the subject.

‘Now we’ll have to do something about giving you a pair of boobs. Randi has provided you with these,’ she said handing me a couple of silicone breast forms, but we’ll have to be careful how we attach them as you won’t be able to wear your bra tomorrow night, as the dress does not have a back to it.’

‘So how will I get them to stay in place?’

‘The bodice should provide them with a certain amount of support as long as we tape them in place, but we’ll have to be a little careful as there’s also a plunging neckline. We must therefore stick them in such a way that the adhesive tape will not be visible.’

‘It all sounds rather complicated.’

‘We’ll see how we get on this evening. Lie down on my bed and I’ll fix them for you, and then you can try on the dress.’

Once again I followed her instructions. She took nearly half an hour and used a good deal of a roll of flesh coloured medical tape to stick my two false boobs securely in place.’

‘Are we going to have to do this again tomorrow?’ I asked when she was mid-way through.

‘So you are willing to go ahead tomorrow night,’ she said.

‘I’m not sure, I’m still thinking about it.’

‘As far as your breasts are concerned let’s see how we get on tonight before deciding about tomorrow.’

‘Alright,’ I agreed.

A few minutes later she’d finished and my new boobs appeared to be firmly in place.

‘Now stand up carefully, and hold them in place for a moment, whilst I go and get your dress.’

She helped me to step in to the dress, and I inserted my new boobs into the bodice, whilst she tied the halter round my neck. A little bit of re-arrangement was then required to ensure that they were comfortable, looked natural and would not be visible.

‘How do you feel?’

My arms and my back felt bare, my front felt a little bit like a trussed chicken, but my legs felt wonderful.

‘OK, I think,’ I replied. ‘How do I look?’

The door of her wardrobe was open, blocking the mirror.

‘Just wait, I’ll show you in a minute! Now step into these,’ she said handing me a pair of white high-heeled sandals, similar to those worn by Marilyn in the film.

I sat down on the bed put them on. Again, I’d never worn high-heels before, and that was another new sensation.

‘Last of all comes the wig, she said producing a platinum blonde wig, which she carefully placed on my head, and then began to brush into a style.’

Once she was satisfied with her efforts and turned towards me.

‘Well then Nicole, or perhaps I should now say Marilyn, I’ll just put a little lipstick on you and then it will be time to have a look at our efforts.’

At last she closed her wardrobe door, and for the first time I could see myself in the mirror.

‘Wow!’ was all I could think of to say: I didn’t look at all bad.

‘We’re going to need sort out your make-up properly tomorrow, but otherwise I think we now have everything you might need. Randi will provide you with some faux diamond clip-on earrings and one or two other bits of jewelry for you to wear.’

I was too stunned by the sight of the image in the mirror in front of me to listen to what she was saying.

‘Well, young lady, are we agreed to go ahead tomorrow night?’

I still didn’t answer. It was as if I was living in a dream.

‘Nick!’ she said sharply.

‘Sorry, what did you say?’ I said, coming back to earth.

‘Are you going to go in for the competition tomorrow night?’

‘I guess so,’ I answered blushing, but also feeling good at the same time.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 3: Preparations
 

Lucy didn’t seem in the least surprised by my agreeing to enter the Drag Debutantes’ competition. Whereas, to me, it seemed like an earth-shattering and life-changing decision, to her it was the most natural thing in the world for me to do.

‘I’m glad; it should be fun. Now you’d better take off the dress, tights and the shoes, before we get them dirty.

‘Yes, of course. Will you help me to remove the sticking plaster holding these breasts in place?’ I asked.

She thought for a moment.

‘No, we’ve done a good job there and so I think it might be safest to leave them in place ready for tomorrow. I’ll loan you one of my bras to wear for now, which should hold them in place until tomorrow night.’

‘But what about when I take a shower?’ I asked.

‘We’ll have to find some means of keeping them dry for tonight. Perhaps we could cover them in cling film. That way you’ll still be able to wash the rest of your body, whilst leaving them in place.’

‘Alright, I suppose, as long as you help me.’

‘In fact, now that I think about it, Nick, it might be a good idea if I find you something of mine to wear for the rest of this evening.’

‘Is that really necessary?’ I asked, almost as a reflex action, and then wondered why I had done so.

‘Yes, the more experience you can get dressed as a woman between now and tomorrow night the better. You can also keep the wig on so that you get more accustomed to having long hair.’

Before I could question or argue any more, she’d found a blue shirt-dress, another pair of tights and some high-heels for me to wear, all of which I was instructed to put on. As I was doing so Lucy began to make some detailed plans for following day as if she were planning a dinner party. Yet in spite of the fact that she was offering me exactly what I’d always wanted, I still found myself holding back and questioning to some degree rather than fully embracing the opportunity she was providing.

‘I’ll just renew your lipstick and also put a little of my mascara on to your lashes for this evening, but I think that maybe tomorrow morning we should go out and get you some make-up of your own.’

‘I can’t go out dressed like this.’

‘Well you’d look pretty strange if you go out dressed in your own clothes with those boobs on?’

‘But I thought I was going to get changed at the club.’

‘You can use the changing room at the club for any last minute adjustments or repairing your make-up, but it will be easier if we do most of the preparation to turn you into a girl here. I’ll loan you one of my winter coats, to cover up that lovely dress, and prevent a breach of the peace during our journey into central London,’ she said laughing.

‘I didn’t realise that you were expecting me to go out dressed like this, in broad daylight.’

‘Well I do so every day, so what is the problem?’

I didn’t answer as I was unsure what to say. The prospect both excited and also terrified me. She therefore finished touching up my make-up and stood back to admire her work.

‘You know, Nick, Randi was quite right, you don’t look at all bad dressed as a girl. You’ll just need a bit of practice with the way you walk and gesture and then nobody would ever know.’

‘What do you mean, Randi was right? What else was said between you?’ I wondered, but chose not to respond; so Lucy continued talking.

‘I’ll be able to provide you with some stick on false nails for the show tomorrow, but there’s no reason why we shouldn’t give your real nails a quick manicure and coat of polish in the meanwhile.’

‘Just as long as it all comes off before I have to go home on Sunday,’ I said, for the first time consciously trying to adopt feminine mannerisms, although without going over the top’

She smiled to see that I was beginning to enter the spirit of the exercise and began to file my nails. As she did so an idea came to her.

‘How would you like to go out for a drink to the pub round the corner, by way of preparation for tomorrow?’

Once again, the prospect both excited and also terrified me. In some respects there was nothing that I would like to do more.

‘No thanks, Lucy, I don’t think I should try to run before I can walk,’ I replied.

She sighed.

‘Alright Miss Scaredy-cat, I’ll do a deal with you. I’ll excuse you from going out this evening but only on condition that you promise to come shopping with me in the morning, to choose yourself some make-up. Is that agreed?’

'I can't keep turning down her suggestions.'

‘Alright then.’

We therefore spent the remainder of the evening indoors, with Lucy giving me various hints about how I should walk, talk, sit down and use my hands. It was a little odd to take a shower with my chest wrapped in cling-film, but it kept the tape holding my new boobs dry. I suppose I was also spared the discomfort of removing them before I went to bed and Lucy would be spared the trouble of putting them back for me in the morning.

‘You might find it more comfortable to continue wearing my bra in bed tonight under your pyjamas,’ suggested Lucy. ‘I’ll find you a clean one when we go out in the morning.’

This proved to be another strange sensation as was having to sleep on my back.

~o~O~o~

I woke up first the next morning realising that my chest felt different, and then remembering where I was and what I’d agreed to do. There was no sound from Lucy’s bedroom so I went ahead and dressed myself, using the clothes that I’d been wearing the night before. I even put on the blonde wig and carefully brushed it away from my face. Lucy must have heard me moving around and soon afterwards she emerged from her bedroom.

‘Good morning, Nicole!’ she said without expressing any particular surprise at my appearance. It was just what she expected me to be wearing.

Over breakfast we discussed our arrangements for the remainder of the day.

‘I need to do my week’s shopping at the local supermarket and they are also the cheapest place to buy you some make-up at the same time.’

‘How much are you expecting me to spend?’ I asked beginning to get a little anxious about the cost of this weekend.

‘You’ll just need a few items to put in your handbag but they should only come to twenty pounds or so; I’ll provide you with everything else you need from my supplies.’

‘Handbag?’

‘Don’t worry I’ll loan you one of mine, and also a winter coat to wear in the street.’

‘Are you sure that I’ll be alright going out dressed like this?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course. I’ll help you put on some make-up first and tidy your hair before we go, but otherwise you should be fine. You never know, you may actually get to enjoy yourself.’

‘That depends on how I get on,’ I replied.

‘I’ll still need to go to the cash dispenser, but at least I’ll be able to use Nick’s debit card without attracting attention,’ I thought.

~o~O~o~

Half an hour later Lucy provided me with a second make-up lesson; this time she explained exactly what she was doing with each product and provided me with advice as to how it should be used. I was surprised what a difference it made to my appearance and was feeling more confident by the time we came to leave. On the way out Lucy knocked on one of the other doors in the house. A rather effeminate guy in his late-thirties dressed in jeans and a t-shirt answered. It took me a second or two to realise that it was Randi.

‘Hi Randi. I’d like you to meet my cousin Nicole, who will be entering your competition tonight.’

He looked pleased by the news.

‘Hmm, not bad at all, Lucy, you have done a good job. I suspected that your cousin would look ok with a little help from a few props.’

Randi then turned to me.

‘Well Nicole, it is so nice to meet you again, but this time more appropriately dressed. I’m looking forward to interviewing you this evening. If you come to the club at about three o’clock I have arranged for you to borrow a dressing room and then at four thirty we can go through the routine together.’

‘Thanks,’ I replied, blushing, and not knowing what else to say.

~o~O~o~

Lucy was right, once I’d got over my initial nerves and realised that everyone in the street and at the supermarket wasn’t staring at me, but rather getting on with their own lives, I actually began to enjoy our morning shopping trip. There were several new sensations to contend with, such as having to brush stray hairs out of my face from time to time, or the awareness of wearing make-up. My legs also felt quite different, but very comfortable, sheathed in nylon tights and wearing a dress. I was still a little unsteady on my high heels, and had walk carefully, but I was gradually getting the hang of them. It was also helpful that I didn’t need to interact with anyone other than Lucy on this first trip out of doors. She did all the talking to the shop assistants.

‘Unfortunately we don’t have enough time to take you clothes shopping this morning, but we can spend a little time at the cosmetics counter, if you wish,’ suggested my cousin.

‘Alright then,’ I answered trying to adopt a feminine voice.

‘You’re going to need a bright red lipstick, your own mascara wand, some eye shadow, some eye-liner and a powder compact. I’ll provide everything else.’

We spent a little time selecting the right colours.

‘What about nail varnish?’ I asked.

‘It would be best to have a colour to match your lipstick, if you do not mind the extra expense.’

I sighed.

‘Alright, I’ve come so far, we may as well do things properly.’

‘Good girl! You're beginning to have the right attitude,’ said Lucy smiling.

We added the various items to her shopping trolley and I handed over some more of my dwindling supply of money.

~o~O~o~

It wasn’t until after we’d returned to Lucy’s flat just before lunch that my nerves began to fail me. Lucy suggested that I took a quick wash rather than another shower. As I did so, I began to lose confidence in my looks and my ability to pass as a woman.

What on earth has persuaded me to enter this competition in the first place, I don’t have any chance of winning and I’ll just be making a fool of myself.

Lucy had assured me that I could back out at the last minute if necessary, but she and Randi had already invested so much time and effort into my entry, and I knew that they would be disappointed if I did so. But ultimately this was not the reason why I forced myself to carry on. I was doing this for my own sake. I would hate myself, even more, if my courage were to fail me now. My nerves must have been obvious because after I’d emerged wearing only a bra and knickers, she came over to re-assure me.

‘Don’t worry Nicole, you’re going to look really great tonight and everything will be fine.’

‘I just hope you’re right. I thought.

‘You appear to have tucked everything nicely out of sight,’ she said, referring to the vestiges of my manhood. ‘Put on a dressing gown for now and after lunch we’ll put some nail varnish on your toe nails as you’ll be wearing open-toed sandals. Then we’ll affix your new finger nails and then we can make a start on your make-up.’

I no longer sought to question or to argue. From now onwards I was going to let Lucy do whatever she needed to do with me. Once my toes were dry, I put on my tights and some slippers, and Lucy loaned me her silk dressing gown. The next hour and a half were spent on an extended make-up lesson conducted by my cousin, using both myself and herself to demonstrate. We sat down next to one another at her dressing table with a wide mirror.

‘I’ll need to do your make-up for you on this occasion, but I’m telling you what I’m doing so you can do it for yourself another time,’ she began.

’Another time?’ I thought, but said nothing.

Lucy clearly enjoyed wearing cosmetics herself and over the years had collected quite a number. She carefully explained to me what every little bottle, tube, applicator or tub of powder was intended for, how it should be used and the overall effect she was seeking to achieve. She began with my face, explaining about foundation to fill the pores and give me an even complexion, concealers to hide blemishes, blusher and the need to use a little face powder to stop my nose from shining. When she had finished she began to inspect my eyes once again.

‘I’m afraid we’re going to need to tidy up your brows a little, Nicole,’ she said.

‘Please be careful, remember that I’ll have to go back to Carol’s flat tomorrow night.’

‘She’ll never notice if I just pluck out a few stray hairs.’

The effect she had on my eyes was remarkable, turning them from a rather non-descript dull brown to ones that sparkled and stood out, whilst not looking as if they were smothered in make-up. She put on one coat of mascara, and then once it was dry, I was allowed to put on a second coat by myself. Then came the lips, which she carefully lined in red before filling in with the new lipstick that we’d bought.

Eventually she was satisfied with us both and we helped one another into our respective dresses. She then helped me to fix the blonde wig which she had borrowed for me, and brushed her own hair into a style, and I put on the shoes that I would be wearing.

‘These are borrowed from Randi, she does love to sparkle,’ she said handing me some fake diamond a necklace and a ring.

I put them on, and Lucy handed me a white handbag to match the shoes that I would be wearing.

‘Put in your wallet, lipstick, mascara, some tissues and a spare set of keys in case we get split up, but don’t worry I promise to keep an eye out for you.’

‘So Miss Monroe, what do you think of your outfit?’ she asked in a faux Hollywood accent.

‘It’s great in fact I think we both look wonderful,’ I replied, doing my best to adopt her girly voice.

I put on Lucy’s coat and was at last ready to go out and face the world in my new guise.

‘Alright then my girl, let’s go and knock ‘em dead!’

~o~O~o~

It was probably just as well for me to be wearing the coat as I received several stares from passers-by as it was. I even heard a wolf-whistle from some young lads on the opposite platform. Suddenly all of my nerves returned to me.

‘Everyone keeps looking at me,’ I whispered to Lucy, who was also looking pretty glamorous herself.

‘Yes of course they are, remember that you’re a platinum blonde and a pretty convincing Marilyn Monroe look-alike. You are bound to attract some attention. Just smile sweetly, and leave any talking to me.’

‘Why ever did I let myself get roped into this?’ I said quietly.

‘Because you wanted to,’ Lucy whispered back. ‘Now stop worrying and start to enjoy yourself.’

~o~O~o~

Fortunately, no guys sought to ‘try their luck’ by chatting to us on the train going in, and it wasn’t too long before we’d arrived at Oxford Circus and were walking towards the club. Gradually my self-confidence began to return, although my feet were beginning to ache as I was unused to wearing high heels.

‘Before we go in to the club, I’ll put on these for you. I didn’t give them to you before as they can get a little uncomfortable after a while,’ said Lucy.

She affixed a pair of clip-on earrings to my ears and brushed a few stray hairs into place.

‘OK, it is going to be Marilyn and Miss Monroe for the rest of the evening,’ she said.

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 4: At the club
 

I rehearsed our little sketch with Randi for forty-five minutes or so during the course of the afternoon. It went reasonably well but it must have been obvious to anybody watching that I was a novice even if I did look quite presentable in the borrowed costume and wig. However, Randi assured me that I needn’t worry. None of the other contestants would be professional performers even if several of them would have had plenty of experience in drag. Randi then invited us to have a bite to eat with him before the club opened for the evening.

‘So how did Nicole do, or perhaps I should say Marilyn?’ asked Lucy.

Randi smiled indulgently.

‘In some respects the combination of good looks and incompetence is just what we are looking for on this occasion.’

Then turning to me, she said: ‘But don’t worry my dear, I was a lot worse than you are when I started.’

I wasn’t sure what she meant by that word ‘started’, but decided it was probably wisest to let it pass for the time being. Once we’d finished, Randi announced a surprise.

‘Now ladies, to increase the sense of spectacle, I have arranged with a friend who is a chauffeur for a limousine hire company nearby to pick the two of you up at the back door at 7.50.’

‘What for?’ asked Lucy.

‘He’ll drive you around the block for a few minutes and then deliver you to the front door, so you can both make a glamorous ‘entrance’ to impress all the punters. As you’re one of the contestants, you do not have to queue with the others but can go straight to the door. I’ll get one of the security guys on the door to treat you as if you really were a couple of celebrities.’

‘Oh heavens, I’m not even sure how to get out of a car wearing a dress,’ I said.

‘We have half an hour to spare, I’ll give you a quick demonstration,’ said Lucy.

~o~O~o~

There was quite a queue waiting to get in the club when we drove up and went straight to the front of the line. I could see lots of eyes turned in my direction, wondering who it was. I received another wolf-whistle as we walked past and so I turned and smiled and blew a kiss to the guy responsible. Somewhat to my amusement, he went bright red.

‘Well done! I think you’re beginning to get the hang of being a girl,’ said Lucy smiling as we went in.

As soon as we were inside we deposited our coats and started to have a quick look around at the other contestants to size-up the opposition.

‘I think you may be in with a reasonable chance,’ said Lucy. ‘Just remember how much trouble Randi and I have taken and so please don’t let us down.’

‘I promise to do my best,’ I answered, feeling both petrified and yet excited at the same.

‘Good, now come with me to the ladies and we’ll touch up your make-up.’

‘Is that allowed?’ I asked.

‘Well you can hardly go to the gents looking the way you do,’ she replied. ‘It might start a riot!’

Of course nobody batted an eyelid, as Lucy refreshed my lipstick and I carefully put on an extra coat of mascara. As we emerged, the competition was just being announced and competitors were asked to make their way to the stage. Lucy gave me a quick hug.

‘I mustn’t spoil your make-up, but keep in your mind that you look lovely, and make a very convincing and attractive young woman. Try to speak and act in the way that we’ve taught you and then you should be fine,’ she said.

I thanked her for her help and she left me to join the audience.

~o~O~o~

There were fifteen or so other contestants. They all appeared to be far more confident than me and several of them already seemed to know one another. About a half of those in the line were clearly men, although several of them looked very nice in their outfits, all the same, and some even looked quite sexy. Another three or four might have raised a question in my mind if I’d met them in the street - it would depend upon how they spoke and acted whether I’d think of them as being male or female. Finally there were a few real beauties who walked, talked and gestured just like glamorous young women and whom I’d never have dreamed might be men. I so wished that I could be like one of them, no matter what my mother or sister thought.

Randi explained the proceedings to us and the fact that the competition would be judged on looks, costume, presentation (including body language and voice), and entertainment value. It would be decided partly by a team of ‘celebrity’ judges and partly through a popular vote from the audience. We were each allocated a number and waited our turn to go on and be introduced to the audience, and perform our act.

‘You’re a newcomer to these events aren’t you?’ asked a brunette in front of me in the line.

I nodded in response.

‘I’m Cherie, and this is my third competition,’ she continued, offering me a large but nicely manicured hand.

’Your face and make-up are pretty good, Cherie, but I’m afraid your hands and your voice will always give you away,’ I thought to myself.

‘Hi, I’m Nicole, or rather Marilyn, just for this evening,’ I said smiling and shaking her hand.

‘Yes, of course, in that dress, who else could you be.’

‘You’re right, this is my first competition, but I thought it was going to be for debutantes only,’ I said motioning towards a particularly poised and glamorous young lady being interviewed by Randi.

‘In this context a debutante is anyone who hasn’t appeared professionally before, but several of the contestants have loads of experience as amateurs and one or two spend their lives as women and by the looks of things have been taking hormones.’

‘I wondered why everyone seemed to be so much more confident than me,’ I replied.

‘I wouldn’t worry, you look pretty good for a newcomer; I can see you doing very well this evening.‘

‘Thanks, for the compliment. You look pretty good yourself and I love your outfit,’ I said, which was true.

‘There’s a rumour going round that they may be looking for one or two new regular performers from among the winners tonight.’

‘Yes, I’d heard that as well. Would you be interested?’ I asked.

‘Oh yes,’ Cherie sighed wistfully, ‘but I‘m afraid that I‘m not blessed with your feminine features.’

I didn’t answer, not knowing what I thought about the idea.

‘You’ve made an excellent job with your make-up Nicole, where did you learn to do it so well?’ she asked

‘It was done for me by my cousin, who also helped me with my hair. I would never be able to do it by myself.’ I replied.

‘Oh, I see,’ she replied.

‘Last night was the first time I have ever dressed as a woman,’ I replied by way of explanation.

‘In that case, you are doing extremely well. I have been dressing like this for several years but unfortunately I only ever get the chance to be Cherie at weekends,’ she continued.

’I wonder if I’ll next have another chance to dress as Nicole,’ I thought to myself, but before anything more could be said, Cherie was called on to the stage to do her bit.

~o~O~o~

My little set piece with Randi seemed to amuse the audience and I shrieked with genuine surprise when the air blower blew up my dress, revealing my knickers for all to see, which caused much hilarity and applause from the audience. However, in other respects I knew that I’d lacked the confidence, feminine poise and performing talent of many of the other contenders. Nevertheless, I got a good round of applause and came away feeling quite pleased with myself. It was as if I had at last got over a major hurdle in my life. I’d appeared on stage dressed as a woman and the world hadn’t come crashing down.

Whilst I was waiting to go on stage, Lucy had teamed up with a couple of lads in the audience and was sitting at their table. She motioned for me to come over and join them afterwards whilst we waited for the audience votes to be counted and the judges to make their decision.

‘Well done, Marilyn. If they judge it on looks and costume, I think you ought to come first or second,’ said Andy, one of the two lads who appeared to have taken a shine to my cousin.

I blushed, feeling that he was being unduly generous.

‘If only you hadn’t stomped up on the stage quite so much like a baby elephant,’ said Lucy.

I blushed.

‘Sorry Nicole, I didn’t mean to be rude. Given that it was your first time, you were very good indeed, and with a little more practice you would have been a triumph.’

‘Well I think you were great,’ added Paul, Andy’s friend, who put his arm round my shoulder and kissed me in a friendly manner.

I knew from his body language that he was just being friendly and had no serious designs on me, but I continued to blush all the same, but at the same time felt good about myself and the way I looked.

~o~O~o~

Of course I didn’t win the competition, or even come second for that matter: this isn’t a fairy tale. Somewhat to my surprise, though, I came fourth out of sixteen, which, given the circumstances and my lack of experience, I thought was quite creditable. Cherie was placed sixth, which also seemed to satisfy her.

The remainder of the evening turned out to be really good fun. The Marilyn Monroe costume went down well, and attracted a fair amount of attention. I was asked for a dance by several guys, and a number of others wanted to be photographed with me. Both Lucy and I were plied with offers of drinks. After a drink or two I even gained a little more confidence and so was willing to be photographed sitting on the laps of guys (and one or two girls), putting my arms around them in a provocative poses. Several other girls also came over to offer me congratulations, or else wanting to admire my dress and make-up. I even felt sufficiently confident to go to the ladies toilet on my own, where I also refreshed my make-up, whilst chatting to others doing so at the same time. My cousin was right about the clip-ons, however, which were becoming quite painful, so I ditched them soon after the show, putting them in my handbag. All in all, it proved to be an enjoyable evening and both Lucy and I had a lot of fun.

Once the show was over and the prizes presented, Randi came round to commiserate with each of the unsuccessful contestants individually. I was the last one that she spoke to, shortly after midnight.

‘Nicole, my dear, I’m so sorry you didn’t win, and you looked so lovely in that dress. However, you were up against stiff opposition tonight and did pretty well for a first-timer,’ she said.

‘Thanks Randi, I did much better than I imagined,’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘You so remind me of my first occasion doing drag,’ she continued. ‘But you’re going to need quite a bit more practice walking, and talking as Nicole before you will be really convincing.’

‘Thanks, but I’m afraid that isn’t very likely in the foreseeable future.’

‘So you haven’t said anything to your parents about tonight?’

‘No, my parents live in different parts of East Anglia. I’m staying with my elder sister, who is a banker. I’m not sure that she’d approve of tonight, if she knew.’

‘Are you sure about that? We have quite a few bankers who come to the club, some of whom love to do so in drag.’

‘I think my sister is a little bit more serious minded than that,’ I replied.

‘So couldn’t you spend a few more of your weekends staying with Lucy?’

‘Lucy has her own life to live and won’t want me around every weekend. In any event I’m going to need to find myself a job before I think about doing anything else.’

‘So you are not employed at present.’

‘No; just occasional casual work.’

Randi thought for a moment.

‘What are you planning to do tomorrow?’ she asked.

‘Nothing much, I’ll have to get changed back into Nick before I return to stay with my sister.’

‘Would you be able to come back to the club at lunchtime tomorrow? My business partner will be there and we will be seeing one or two people. I think he might like to have a talk with you as well.’

‘Do you mean for me come as Nick or as Marilyn?’ I asked, only half serious.

Randi thought for a minute.

‘Come as Nicole, just as I saw you this morning, if you can manage to do so; that might be best.

‘I’m not sure, if I‘ll be able to. I’ll need to talk to Lucy first about whether or not she will let me continue to borrow her clothes.’

‘Tell her that that it might be worth your while to do so.’

With that she left me to return to her job as compere for the remainder of the evening.

~o~O~o~

This time Lucy and I stayed after the show, having fun at the club until the early hours of the morning. Paul and Andy didn’t live too far away from Lucy and so they invited us share their cab. We didn’t invite them in: I don’t think they were expecting it, but I’d noticed that Lucy and Andy had exchanged telephone numbers earlier at the club. I gave Paul a chaste kiss on the cheek and thanked him for a nice evening. I don’t think the taxi driver realised that I was really a guy, so there was no reason for him to be embarrassed.

~o~O~o~

‘So, young lady, have you enjoyed your night out?’ asked Lucy as we entered her flat.

‘Oh yes. It’s been great fun, thank you so much for encouraging me to take part,’ I replied, still retaining my girly voice.

‘We’d best get you changed out of that dress, and then I’ll show you how to remove your make-up.’

‘Alright, I suppose so,’ I replied, this time not seeking to disguise the note of sadness that the wonderful night would soon be finishing.’

‘Do you want me to help you to remove your boobs as well?’ she asked.

‘May we leave them in place until tomorrow?’ I asked.

Lucy smiled.

‘Yes alright then, as long as you don’t mind taking a shower wrapped in cling film once again.’

As we shared her dressing table mirror, each one removing our make-up and putting on moisturiser, I raised a topic that was on my mind.

‘Randi came over to speak to me after the competition last night. She wants me to go back to the club at 1.00pm tomorrow to meet her boss.’

‘Did she say what for?’ asked Lucy.

‘No, but she suggests that I should go dressed as Nicole.’

‘So what did you say?’

‘I said that I didn’t know whether I could go or not and that I’d have to talk to you first.’

‘Do you think they might offer you a job?’ she asked.

‘I don’t imagine so, I may have looked alright but I didn’t do all that well on stage.’

‘Well there must be a reason why they want to talk to you. How would you feel if they did do so?’

’After that night I knew exactly how I would feel, but didn’t dare to spell it out.’

‘I don’t think I could possibly accept,’ I replied. ‘Whatever would Carol say?’

Lucy shrugged her shoulders.

‘It’s your life.’

‘So what do you think I should do, Lucy?’

‘Go, of course, at least to find out what they have in mind, and then you can decide what you want to do.’

‘Alright then. In that case may I borrow your clothes once again?’

‘Yes, of course. I’ll help you to get ready and put on some make-up as well, if you like.’

‘Oh yes please, and I don’t suppose you would come with me for some moral support?’

‘I’ll come into town with you, but you will be on your own once we get to the club,’ she replied. ‘I’ll wait for you outside in a café and then we can have a look around Covent Garden Market afterwards if you like.’

‘Thank you Lucy. I’d really like that.’

‘But you should understand that there’ll soon come a time when most of my time will be taken up with college work.’

‘I realise that,’ I replied. ‘And also perhaps seeing Andy once again?’

She blushed.

‘Maybe, if he decides to call me sometime.’

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 5: A job offer
 

The following day Lucy and I arrived at the club at about 12.45. I was wearing her shirt dress, brown wig and high heels. Once again she’d helped me to put on some make-up and to style my hair, but we’d not been as ambitious as the previous evening. Nevertheless I knew that I looked like a smart and attractive young woman, and felt quite confident as we travelled into central London. We parted company at the club entrance.

‘Alright, Nicki, this is it: I’m afraid you’re on your own now. How are you feeling?’ asked Lucy.

I had been in an optimistic and confident mood but was now beginning to feel a little nervous.

'A little bit anxious,’ I admitted.

‘As far as your presentation is concerned, you have been fine so far today. I’m now going to my University library in Gower Street, but if you like I’ll wait for you at the Starbucks in Tottenham Court Road from 2.00pm. Good luck.’

I entered the club and a young woman asked me to take a seat outside the office as I was a little early for my appointment. (At least I think it was a young woman, but in this environment I couldn’t be absolutely sure.)

After about five minutes or so Randi (this time in male mode) together with a middle-aged guy, emerged from the office. They were followed by two of the previous night’s winners, who were also both en-femme but this time wearing everyday clothes rather than their costumes. It was clear from their conversation that they’d both just been offered a job and were looking forward to starting work. As soon as the two recruits had left I was invited to step into the office.

‘Ah yes, our Marilyn Monroe look-alike, what should I call you?’ asked the middle-aged guy.

‘My name is Nick, but it might be simpler to call me Nicole or Nicki as I’m wearing a dress.’

‘Alright Nicole, I’m Jack Nelson, the owner of the club, and I believe you’ve already met Randi.’

I smiled in acknowledgment, and was invited to take a seat.

‘We were both very impressed by your appearance last night but, to be honest, we weren’t too impressed by everything else,’ he continued. ‘You walked like a man, were unsteady on your heels, and didn’t know what to do with your hands. The pitch and timbre of your voice were both good but you clearly have not been listening carefully to the way that women speak and what they say.’

I was a little taken aback by his bluntness.

‘Maybe, but you're judging me by professional standards. Yesterday was the first time I’d ever dressed as a woman or appeared on stage.

‘So Randi tells me, which I suppose is some kind of excuse. Your makeup was also quite impressive, did you do that by yourself?’ he asked.

‘No, my cousin did it for me,’ I admitted.

‘Oh that’s a pity.’

There was a brief pause.

‘If I was so bad why have you asked to see me today?’

‘Because we both think that you could be good, with a little more practice. Randi and I are planning to put together a new show early in the New Year and we might be interested in employing you then, if you can get in some more practice in the meanwhile.’

‘But that’s three months away. I can’t see me getting the opportunity to spend much more time as Nicole before then. I don’t have a job, all the clothes I’m wearing are borrowed from my cousin and I live with my sister who currently knows nothing about last night.’

‘Come on Jack, surely we could help her out with a job behind the bar or as a waitress in the meanwhile, to provide her with the opportunity to get that practice that she obviously needs,’ said Randi.

‘How old are you?’ he asked.

‘Eighteen.’

‘Alright Nicole, I’m willing to give you a six week paid trial as a barmaid at ten pounds fifty an hour, but there will be conditions.’

‘What sort of conditions?’ I asked.

‘I am willing to invest some money in helping you develop your presentation skills and experience as a young woman, but only on the understanding that you are making real progress towards eventually becoming a competent performer.’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘I’ll pay for you to have some hair extensions, nail extensions and stick-on silicone boobs. The club will also provide you with your working clothes but in return, I’ll expect to see some rapid progress in the way you walk, talk, gesture, and in your ability to use make-up, and look after your hair.

‘But won’t that mean I’ll have to dress as a woman full-time?’

‘We’ll only be able to judge you at work. What you choose to wear when you’re at home will be your own affair, but you will inevitably have long hair and boobs, so I suppose you are going to look like a girl whatever you put on.’

‘In some respects that will be a good thing for you, as the more time you can spend dressed as a girl over the next six weeks the better,’ said Randi.

‘But what am I going to wear when I’m not at work?’

‘You could perhaps borrow some clothes from your sister or your cousin, and you will be earning a reasonable wage and there will be tips as well, so maybe you should go out and buy some clothes for yourself,’ he continued.

‘But my sister doesn’t know anything about last night,’ I said.

‘Well maybe it’s now time for you to tell her, if you really are looking for a job,’ said Jack.

‘I don’t know what to say. Can I have a little time to think about your offer?’

‘Any of the other competitors from last night would jump at such an opportunity,’ said Randi.

But this time Jack relented slightly.

‘Alright you can have a few days to think about it but we will need to know by next Friday whether or not you are willing to begin work for us the following week.’

‘Thank you, I promise to let you know by Friday.’

I shook both of their hands and went to leave. Randi saw me out.

‘I do hope you say yes, Nicki, I think you have the potential to do well as a female impersonator.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, not knowing whether to be thrilled or horrified by the prospect offered to me.

~o~O~o~

I made my way through along Berwick Street to Oxford Street, and then to Tottenham Court Road in a dream, unaware of my surroundings and not caring whether the many people around were looking at me or not. I was trying to make sense of my feelings. In one respect it was the answer to so many of my dreams, but at the same time it would force me to face the demons that I’d been hiding from throughout my life. I couldn’t help it, but I cared about what members of my family thought about me, and I had no idea what my mother and sister would say when they found out? What about my father and my other relations? What would other people in the village think? I’d always assumed that my wishes would be kept a secret from my family and friends. But, on the other hand, they were only talking about a six week trial, with no guarantee of anything afterwards. Perhaps, I could go in for the trial without everyone in East Anglia finding out? But my sister would have to know.

~o~O~o~

I arrived at the coffee bar with ten minutes to spare and there was no sign of Lucy waiting for me. I therefore purchased a coffee and attempted to pull myself together taking stock of my circumstances. Here I was, in the centre of London dressed as an attractive young woman, with long hair and wearing make-up. This was a situation that I’d sometimes had fantasies about in the past in those precious few minutes before I fell asleep. It felt both frightening and yet gratifying at the same time.

‘Hi Nicki, you look pre-occupied.’

Lucy had approached without me being aware of her presence.

‘Sorry, I was miles away.’

‘So, what happened? Did they offer you a job?’

‘Yes, but there are some conditions attached and so I don’t think I’ll be able to accept it.’

‘Let me get myself a cup of coffee and you can tell me all about it.’

Ten minutes later I’d related to my cousin all that had been previously been said.

‘How would you fancy working as a barmaid?’ asked Lucy smiling.

‘I could do the job easily enough, and the pay is quite respectable, but it would be a bit strange to do so, dressed as a woman every evening.’

‘Well they won’t be employing you for your skills in bar work.’

‘I suppose not.’

‘So why won’t you be able to accept their job offer?’

‘I don’t see how I can. Carol would have to know and then she would tell Mum who would freak out and all hell would break loose. I’d be dragged back to Suffolk in disgrace and condemned to spend the rest of my life, gutting chickens.’

‘You’re making a lot of assumptions there. I suppose you can’t really avoid telling Carol but you don’t know for certain that she would tell your mother. Even if your mother did find out, are you sure that she would react so badly?’

‘She would, and she would, believe me!’

‘Alright so they both find out and they both react badly as you think; so what? You’re an adult now. They can’t force you to do anything that you don’t want to.’

‘You forget that I’ll need to continue to live with my sister, and would rather not be disowned by my mother if I can avoid it. I’ve lost contact with my father as it is.’

Lucy thought for a while.

‘Be honest with me, Nicki, if you didn’t have to worry about Carol and your mother, how would you react to the offer?’

I sighed.

‘I suppose I’d be tempted to give it a try, just to see how I got on,’ I said and then blushed as if I was admitting some terrible secret to my cousin.

‘I thought so. In fact I’ve always thought there was something a little feminine in your character; that's why you're my favourite cousin.

I continued to blush, not sure what to feel about what she’d just said.

‘I think you should at least give Carol the benefit of the doubt and see how she reacts to the news. If you like, I’ll come with you when you tell her. If she really freaks out, I’ll say it was my fault and that I led you astray.’

‘I need to think about it,’ I said.

‘Don’t think about it too long. You won't get another opportunity for such a trial.’

‘I know, just give me a little time this afternoon to think about it.’

‘Alright then, after we’ve finished our coffee let’s go and have a look at the market, but I’ll be expecting a decision from you by the time we go home.’

~o~O~o~

We made our way through Seven Dials to the Covent Garden Market, which is always a great place to spend a Sunday afternoon, especially in late September whilst the weather is still fine. In many respects it was like a dream come true, being out in broad daylight wearing a dress, with long hair and make-up. Nobody looked at me at all oddly or treated me disrespectfully. Lucy went out of her way to treat me just like any of her girlfriends, pointing out things that she liked or else thought might suit me, and making no reference to my former self. Yet I couldn’t fully concentrate on what we were doing. Part of me was enjoying myself, whilst another part felt sure that everyone I came into contact with must see through the disguise, realise that I was really a man, and be secretly laughing at me without me being aware of it. I couldn’t help but think about the offer that had been made to me. The possibility of spending several weeks working as a girl really excited me but there was also the prospect of having to tell Carol, who would want to tell my mother.

At about five p.m. we had another coffee together as it was beginning to get cooler outside. Whilst we were there Lucy got one of the waitresses to take a photograph of the two of us, using her mobile phone.

‘Well Nicki, have you enjoyed your afternoon?’

‘Yes, very much, thank you.’

‘So what do you plan to do?’

‘I think I’d like to go ahead with the trial.

‘When are you going to tell Carol?’

‘She’s normally home early on Thursday evenings.’

‘Why don’t you invite me to dinner at your place on Thursday evening and we’ll break it to her together.’

‘Alright then, I’ll do so if you’ll come with me and support me. In some ways you did lead me astray, but I’m glad that you did do so,’ I replied smiling. I’d better let Randi know that I won’t be able to make a decision until I’ve seen Carol.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll explain your situation to her when I next see her. I’ll also print out a couple of the photographs from last night and the one we took this afternoon, so you’ll be able to show them to your sister.’

‘Alright, but let’s see how she reacts to the news first, before you show her any pictures. I think it is now time to return to Hornsey where I’ll begin the process of changing back into Nicholas once again.’

‘Unless I have a message to the contrary, I’ll come round to your sister’s flat after I finish college on Thursday and we can work out what we’re going to say to her.’

~o~O~o~

Fortunately Carol was still out with her friends when I arrived home at about 10.00 pm on Sunday night, having changed back into my own clothes and removed all visible traces of the make-up I’d been wearing. I went to bed early as I wanted to avoid any prolonged conversation with my sister as to what I’d been doing during the weekend. Also I needed some time to try and take stock of everything that had happened to me over the last few days, and how I felt about it. I therefore left her a note hoping that she’d had a great weekend and explained that I was feeling tired and so had gone to bed. I heard her come in to the flat soon after midnight, but she must have assumed that I was asleep and went straight to bed without knocking on my door. The following morning I deliberately emerged from my room only when I knew that Carol would soon be leaving for work and would not have time for a lengthy conversation. She didn’t appear to notice any difference with my eyebrows, and of course my arms and legs were well covered.

‘Hi Nick, I’m afraid I can’t stop now. I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you over the weekend,’ she said.

‘That’s alright, I had a good time with Lucy. By the way, I’ve invited her for dinner on Thursday evening to thank her, if that is alright with you.’

‘Thursday will be fine with me, just as long as you are not expecting me to do the cooking; I haven’t seen Lucy for some time.’

‘No, don’t worry, I’ll do all the preparations,’ I said.

‘In that case, here’s thirty pounds in case there’s anything extra that you need to buy for the meal, but I must dash.’

With that I was left alone with my thoughts once again.

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 6 Telling Carol
 

I might have known what was going to happen: as soon as I’d made the arrangements with Carol and Lucy, I started to have second thoughts about the wisdom of taking such a job. My sister would undoubtedly freak out when she knew and tell Mum. I doubted whether I would be able to stand up to a combined onslaught from the two of them. I would probably be ordered back to East Anglia and a future of gutting chickens, or else become the shameful secret in our family, unable to show my face at home ever again.

In any event, although I may have looked alright wearing that dress and wig, when I’d had Lucy’s help, I’d never be able to carry off working as a female impersonator on a regular basis. The owner of the club would be bound to want to get rid of me as soon as the trial was over. In fact, the whole idea was ridiculous. As yet, I’d made no commitment; I wouldn’t be letting anyone down if I pulled out. I’d just forget about the club and continue to look for a job for Nick. Yet, at the same time, I had to admit to myself that both Lucy and Randi had been encouraging (apart from her comment about me stomping around like a baby elephant) and it had felt so good to go out dressed as a woman on Sunday afternoon. I hated myself and my cowardice in not grasping the opportunity that I’d always dreamed about and realised that nothing like this would ever happen to me again. Thus, after a day and a sleepless night wrestling with my feelings, I decided to leave the matter in the lap of the gods.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I made a conscious effort to look for work, both in the local newspaper and at the Job Centre, feeling that if I found a job it would save me from the awkward tasks of having to tell my sister about the previous weekend and deciding whether or not to accept the trial that I’d been offered. However, the gods appeared to be on my side, for in spite of my best efforts, and several telephone calls, no other job opportunities were forthcoming. I suspect that I would have been disappointed if I had received another offer, and I knew that if I did turn down the one I had I would despise myself for the rest of my life. But on this occasion the matter did not arise. So when Lucy rang me on Wednesday afternoon, I confirmed our previous arrangements for her to come to dinner the following evening.

‘Did Carol ask you about last weekend.’

‘Not really, we’ve not had much opportunity to talk together since I got back.’

‘So will you be telling her about the trial when we meet tomorrow night?’

I sighed.

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Nick, I want to make it clear that if you don’t tell Carol about the job offer tomorrow evening, then I will, so are you sure that you still want me to come to dinner?’

I could tell from the tone of her voice that she was serious. I thought for a moment before responding.

‘Yes please.’

‘Well done, I’ll see you tomorrow evening.’

~o~O~o~

I usually cleaned the flat and prepared a nice meal on Thursday as this was the one evening in the week when Carol came home at a reasonable time, and we could spend some time together. However, on this occasion I wanted to make it special, so when Lucy arrived, a few minutes before my sister, she found the flat looking tidy, the dinner cooking and the table laid.

‘I see that you are all set for this evening, Nick.’ she said, as she took off her coat.

‘I think so.’

‘Good, I have spoken to Randi who knows what is happening, but they are anxious to know your decision. So I said that either you or I would ring later this evening, if you have decided to go ahead. I’m afraid they won’t be prepared to wait any longer.’

‘Alright then.’

Carol arrived at that point and was pleased with my efforts and also glad to see Lucy once again. We were soon chatting together quite happily; the meal I’d prepared seemed to go well, and the wine helped to lighten the atmosphere. So we were midway through the meal before either Lucy or I raised our intended topic of conversation. By this time we’d already discussed my sister’s work, Lucy’s University course, and the news from our two families in East Anglia. It was now my turn to be the subject of discussion.

‘Have you had any luck with the job hunting this week, Nick?’ Carol asked.

Lucy gave me a ‘significant look’ and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to put things off any longer. I took a metaphorical deep breath and began to answer.

‘Actually, I have been offered a six-week trial in a reasonably paid job, but I’m not sure whether or not to accept it.’

‘That’s great news, but why wouldn’t you accept it?’ asked my sister, clearly intrigued by my answer.

I hesitated looking for the right words, so she came in with another question.

‘Surely, it would be a trial for both parties and so you could always leave at the end of the six weeks if you didn’t like it?’

‘Yes I know, but it is an unusual job and there are certain conditions associated with it. I’m not sure whether you’ll approve.’

‘As long as it’s legal, not threatening to your life or health, and pays you real money, I’ll approve,’ she said, smiling. ‘You’d better tell me all about it.’

It was too late for me to back out now. Over the next twenty minutes or so I told my sister about the previous weekend, and the subsequent job offer. Lucy contributed from time to time to add detail or confirm the truth of what I was saying. Then, to finish off, Lucy handed over several photographs that she’d taken of me dressed me as ‘Nicole’ and/or ‘Marilyn’.

Carol didn’t ‘freak’, as I’d been sure she would. She was certainly surprised, then amused, gradually turning to amazement when she saw the photographs, which she carefully scrutinised to make sure they were not forgeries done using Photoshop.

‘So you’re proposing to work as a barmaid for the next six weeks, Nick?’ she said, with particular emphasis on the second syllable of the word barmaid.

Her tone was surprised, but not incredulous or derisive.

‘If you do not object,’ I replied. ‘The pay is quite good and there will also be a share of the tips. So far it’s the only job that has been offered to me since I came to London.

She began to study the pictures once more.

‘I must say, you do look nice in these pictures. Do you think you would be able to carry it off?’

‘I believe so, but that is why they are giving me a trial rather than offering me a job.’

‘Yes, I suppose so.’

‘But there is a catch,’ I said.

She looked up.

‘Go on!’

‘Apparently I looked pretty good last Saturday evening but lacked the necessary experience in how to walk, talk and present myself as a convincing woman. Therefore, one of the conditions of the job offer is that I’d have to need gain as much practice as possible in order to improve. They intend to provide me with false boobs, hair extensions and long finger nails for the duration of the trial. So no matter what I choose to wear when I’m not working during that period, I’m going to end up looking like a girl.’

‘I guess so. But whatever would Mum say if she were to see you dressed like that?’ asked Carol.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Me neither,’ she said sounding anxious. ‘She would be bound to blame me.’

‘But it would be my decision.’

‘Perhaps, but she still regards me as being responsible for your welfare.’

‘I don’t think it is likely that she will be planning to visit us in the next few weeks, especially if I tell her that I have found a job requiring me to work at weekends. I doubt if we’ll see her now until Christmas, by which time my trial will be over.’

‘I’m not pressing you for any rent on your room,’ said Carol.

‘I realise that, but I have been looking seriously for work over the last four weeks and this is the only job that I’ve been offered. I’d like to give it a try’

My sister turned towards my cousin

‘What do you think, Lucy?’

‘I think that Nick made a very attractive looking young woman over the weekend, both during the competition and afterwards on Sunday. However, they did have a point regarding his presentation; he does need more practice before he would be truly convincing. Yet, at the same time ‘Nicole’ and I went out together to Covent Garden on Sunday afternoon, and I don’t think anyone we met realised that she wasn’t a girl.’

‘Is that what you found, Nick?’ asked Carol.

‘Yes, and to be honest, I really enjoyed myself.’

‘So if Nick wants to take up the offer and become ‘Nicole’ for six weeks, I can’t see that there’s a problem,’ continued Lucy. ‘The only issue will be finding some suitable clothes for her to wear when she isn’t at work. To that end I’d be happy to loan her the dress and shoes that she wore last weekend.’

‘Is that what you want to do Nick?’ Carol asked, looking seriously at me.

There was no point my denying it; she now knew all the details.

‘Yes I think so,’ I answered, blushing, ‘at least to see how I get on for the duration of the trial.’

Carol hesitated for a moment before making up her mind.

‘Alright then, if you’re sure that is what you want to do.

‘Yes it is.’

‘I expect I’ll be able to find you some of my clothes for you to wear as well.’

‘Thank you, both of you. But what about Mum?’ I asked

‘I think you’re right; we are unlikely to see her for a few weeks so she needn’t know what is happening, for the time being at least. Lucy, I assume that you will not be mentioning any of this to your parents.’

‘No; of course not.’

‘Good. I’d prefer it that way.’

There followed a period of silence as we all attempted to take stock of what had just been agreed. To be honest, I was in a state of shock. Eventually my sister broke the silence.

‘By the way, Nick, what will I be expected to call you when you have long hair and boobs?

‘So far Lucy has been referring to me as Nicky or Nicole,’ I replied.

Carol sighed.

‘‘Nicky’ is too like ’Nick’, I think it might give me the creeps, and Nicole will be a bit of a mouthful all of the time. Also there is always a danger that I might forget myself when talking on the phone to Mum. If you are going to be a girl for the next six weeks, I think you should find yourself an entirely different name.’

I hadn’t been expecting this, but I suppose it wasn’t much to ask.

‘What do you suggest?’ I asked.

‘How about Rebecca?’ suggested Lucy.

‘As long as I can call you Becky,’ said my sister.

‘That would be ok by me,’ I replied.

‘In that case when do I get to meet ’Becky’?’ she asked.

‘I have to let them know whether I’m interested in the trial or not straight away. I think that they will probably expect me to start work on Monday evening,’ I replied.

‘In that case, Becky, why don’t you go for it?’

~o~O~o~

So that was it! That was how Becky came to life in October 2009. It all proved to be so much easier than I’d imagined. The building we were occupying didn’t come tumbling down and I wasn’t struck by a thunderbolt after I told my sister. The main thing was that she wouldn’t be telling Mum; indeed she seemed just as anxious as I was to prevent Mum from finding out too many details about my new job. After a minute or two during which I recovered from the shock of hearing my sister agree that I might take part in the trial, I excused myself to go to my bedroom and make that telephone call to Randi to confirm my acceptance of their offer. I realised that it would also provide Carol and Lucy the opportunity to discuss the matter in more detail when I wasn’t present.

‘Hi Randi, it is Nick, from last weekend. I’m ringing to confirm that I should like to take you up on your offer of a six weeks trial.’

‘I’m so pleased to hear it, I’m sure that with a little polish you’ll make a lovely young woman, Nicole.’

He or she (I wasn’t sure which over the phone) put particular stress on the final word.

‘Actually, my sister has requested that I should adopt another name when I’m working to avoid confusion with Nick. Lucy suggests that I should become ‘Becky’.’

‘Alright, Becky will be fine, in fact it quite suits you, my dear.’

‘So what will be the arrangements for me starting work next week?’

‘Can you come in to the club at 9.00 a.m. tomorrow?’

‘I suppose so,’ I replied, a little surprised that things would be moving quite so quickly.

‘The club has an arrangement with a nearby beauty salon to look after the needs of our employees, so the assistants there are quite used to transforming young men into glamorous female cabaret performers.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Jack has made a provisional booking for you to undergo your transformation. That way you’ll have the weekend to get used to your new ‘embellishments,’ before you start work on Monday.’

’They must have been fairly confident that I was going to accept the job,’ I thought.

‘Exactly what sort of ‘embellishments’ do you have in mind?’

‘Oh just the usual; some false boobs, hair and nail extensions and attention to one or two other minor details such as your eyebrows and lashes. There will be nothing too drastic or which requires surgery, I promise.’

‘What would you like me to wear tomorrow?’

‘That’s up to you Becky, whatever feels most comfortable. We’ll be providing you with the clothes and shoes you wear whilst you are working at the club, but the rest is up to you. Remember though, that one of the objects of the whole exercise is for you to get used to dressing and acting as a woman as quickly as possible.’

‘As it is such short notice I’ll probably have to wear jeans and a tee shirt tomorrow, but both Lucy and my sister have promised to loan me some of their things so I should be able to get in some practice over the weekend.

‘Good! In that case we’ll provide you with everything you will need to wear for work including some underclothes, so you’ll at least have something suitable when you go home from the salon tomorrow night. After that it will be up to you.’

‘Yes, I understand.’

‘See you tomorrow morning then.’

‘I’m looking forward to it.’

'Good, I think you will do well.'

Now that I’d at last told my sister, and spoken to Randi I was feeling really pleased with myself. It was the opportunity I’d been waiting for, for as long as I could remember. I waited for a few moments in my room, trying to calm my nerves before returning to my sister and my cousin.

‘So that’s confirmed, Carol, you’re going to be living with Becky rather than Nick for the next six weeks starting from tomorrow evening.’

‘Alright, as long as the news doesn’t reach East Anglia,’ she replied.

‘Agreed.’

‘I think we should have a toast to Becky, and her new career,’ said Lucy, raising her wine glass.

I noticed Carol flinch for a moment at the word ‘career,’ but then joined in.

‘To Becky and her new job.’

I drank the remainder of my glass wondering what I’d let myself in for, but feeling excited at the prospect all the same.

~o~O~o~

As I was seeing Lucy to the door, she asked me about the arrangements for the following day. I told her of my appointment at the salon.

‘I know that place; it isn’t too far from my University Library. Why don’t you send me a text message when you are nearly finished in there and we can perhaps meet up and have a coffee together in the Student’s Union.’

‘Alright, I should like that. Thank you for all you help and moral support over the last week.’

‘It’s been my pleasure, Becky,’ she said smiling.

‘No, it’s still Nick this evening, but it will be Becky when we next meet and for the next six weeks.’

‘I’m quite looking forward to meeting her,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek and leaving.

’Me too!’ I thought to myself.

Carol was busy clearing the table after our meal when I returned.

‘Well Nick, I trust you know what you are doing,’ she said.

‘It is only a six-week trial, after all,’ I replied.

‘So you say,’ she said.

I didn’t take her up on that comment, but went to bed.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Nicole in Red.

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Chapter 7 My transformation begins
 

The following morning, Carol and I were both up at seven and just had time for a hurried breakfast together before we went our separate ways.

‘What time are you due at your new work?’ she asked.

‘Nine o’clock this morning and I’ll have an appointment at a salon soon afterwards.’

‘So you are planning to go ahead with this trial.’

Having got this far and overcome the turmoil of telling my sister, there was no way that I was ever going to back out now.

‘Yes, I guess so. In any event, I am now committed to do so,’ I replied.

I was half expecting her to make some further response, perhaps trying to persuade me to change my mind, but none was forthcoming. I therefore continued with the conversation.

‘It will be nice to have a job and something to do in the evenings when you are out with your friends. Also it will be good to earn my own money rather than relying on you and Mum all the time.’

‘Alright, if that is what you want to do.’

So she wasn’t trying to persuade me to change my mind so much as providing me with a way out if I’d wanted one.

‘Yes I think so,’ I replied.

‘So I shall be meeting ‘Becky’ when I get back from work this evening.’

‘Yes I guess so.’

‘I should be home by about 9.30 to meet my new sister and hear how she got on today. By the way, what will you be wearing?’

’The club has promised to provide me with one outfit of clothes to wear to and from work each day.’

‘Will that include an outdoor coat?’

‘I don’t know. I borrowed one of Lucy’s jackets last weekend.’

‘You’re going to need something, as it is beginning to get cold. You may take my black coat from the rack for today, if you like. I’ll also try and find you some of my clothes for you to wear when I come home tonight.’

‘Thanks, Carol, for everything. I’ll see you later.’

Carol was not exactly glamorous in terms of her chosen dress and make-up but she was good looking and had good taste in clothes appropriate to her position. It went without saying that any clothes that she passed on to me would be of good quality and not particularly well-worn, although more designed for someone in their thirties rather than eighteen year old.

~o~O~o~

I must have made a slightly odd spectacle as I made my way through the morning rush hour. I was dressed as a fairly non-descript sort of guy, in jeans, t-shirt and trainers, but at the same time was wearing a woman’s overcoat. I received a few puzzled looks, but no one said anything and I was too concerned with my own feelings of both trepidation and excitement to worry about what they might be thinking. I knew that when I came back it would be as someone very different, and my sister’s coat would no longer seem out of place.

~o~O~o~

Jack and Randi (this time in his male incarnation) were waiting for me at the club when I arrived.

‘I understand that we are going to be calling you Becky, in future,’ said Jack.

‘Yes, it was my sister’s idea, she said that she would find it easier to refer to me as someone else rather than Nicki.’

‘That will be alright as we don’t already have a ‘Becky’ on the staff. Do I take it that your sister is now quite happy with the idea of having you working as a barmaid?’

‘I suppose so; for the next six weeks, at least,’ I replied.

‘Good. After that we’ll all have to judge how things have worked out; but I’m pleased that you’ve decided to join us, Becky,’ he said smiling. This time I got the impression that he really meant it.

‘Thanks; I’m sorry that I had to turn up in jeans and a tee shirt this morning, but it was rather short notice,’ I explained.

‘That’s all right, but once you begin your duties on Monday evening we’ll be expecting to have you arrive here as a young woman. The limited dressing room space we do have is reserved for the performers.’

‘I understand.’

Jack left us to make a phone call so Randi showed me to a locker in a back room, and gave me a key. Inside, there were a couple of plastic carrier bags containing items of clothing, and also a pair of shoes.

‘You’ll find your uniform and everything you’re going to need for work in there including some underclothes. I got your size from Lucy.‘

‘Thanks; would you like me to get changed now?’ I asked.

‘No you may as well stay as you are until you are at the salon, so they can start with a blank canvas. I suggest that you take your new clothes with you when you go.’

I nodded.

‘Those heels look rather high though,’ I commented as I examined the contents.

‘They are four inches and will make your legs look more attractive. Don’t worry you’ll soon get used to wearing them at work and you can always leave them in your locker if you would rather not travel in to work in them, but in that case you will have to provide another pair of shoes for yourself.’

‘I’ll see how I get on wearing them over the weekend before I decide.’

‘There is one thing that neither Lucy nor the girls at the salon will be able to help you with. Would you like me to show you how to tuck everything neatly away out of sight without any give-away bulges down below?’

‘Does it hurt?’

‘No, not at all. It is just a technique that female impersonators use to put their testes back. It may feel a little strange at first but after a while it will become second nature.’

‘As long as it doesn’t do me any long term damage.’

‘Don’t worry it is quite a natural procedure. Come through to my dressing room and take off your trousers and pants.’

I did as I was instructed.

‘First of all, your penis needs to be at rest for this procedure. If it is even slightly aroused, take a small wooden spatula and give the tip a light tap. You will find it quickly becomes dormant.’

Again, I followed the instructions.

‘Now gently push each testicle up into your body cavity. It will be a little awkward to do at first, but you’ll soon get the hang of it. With a little practice you will be able to do this for yourself every morning. Once you have done, so fold back you penis between your legs and then you can hold everything in place with a gaff.’

‘What’s a gaff?’

‘It is one of these,’ she said handing me an elasticated garment. The club has provided you with two; one to wear and one to have in the wash, but if necessary you can also do the same with a pair of elasticated knickers, or even the tops of a couple of pair of tights, if necessary.’ Randi continued.

I put it on and there was no trace of any bulge. I felt a little trussed up but nothing I couldn’t cope with.

‘Now get used to wearing one all the time whilst you are working, that way you will be able to wear tight skirts without any danger of giving yourself away.’

‘What if I need to go to the lavatory?’ I asked.

‘You must get in the habit of always sitting down for a pee; nothing will give you away faster that if the woman in the next cubicle becomes aware that you are standing up or your feet are facing in the wrong direction. Also take your time when you visit the toilet. Use any trip as an opportunity to check on your hair and make-up and make any necessary repairs.’

We re-emerged from Randi’s dressing room and Jack was waiting for us.

‘Just showing our new recruit a few basic techniques,’ said Randi.

‘Alright then, Becky, I’ve checked with Sarah at the salon and she is ready to begin your transformation.’

‘So this is it,’ I thought.

’Alright, I guess I’m ready to be transformed,’ I replied with a smile.

~o~O~o~

Ten minutes later Jack and I arrived at the salon a few streets away from the club just as it was opening for business at 9.30am. Inside, an attractive woman in her mid-twenties was talking to a receptionist.

‘Good morning Jack; so who is it that you’ve brought to us today?’ she asked.

‘Hi Sarah,’ he said giving her a friendly kiss. ‘This is Becky who will shortly begin a six week trial at the club. I want you to do everything you can to make her look gorgeous,’ he said.

It felt odd to be referred to as a girl in this way, but also quite nice.

‘That shouldn’t be too much of a problem, by the looks of things; you and Randi certainly have a knack for finding attractive young people for us to transform,’ she answered.

She then turned to address me.

‘Hi Becky, I’m Sarah; I’ll be looking after you today,’ she said without a trace of surprise or mockery.

‘I’ll leave our new recruit in your capable hands,’ Jack said to Sarah, and then he turned to me.

‘It will be up to you, but I suggest you use this opportunity go along with whatever Sarah recommends, after all, she’s the expert.’

‘Alright then,’ I replied.

‘I’ll pop in towards the end of the afternoon to see how you’re getting on.’

He then left the pair of us.

‘You’re booked in for the whole day, and I’ve instructions to do whatever we consider to be necessary to turn you into a convincing young lady. I’ll be able to give you plenty of advice, but of course I’ll want to know you own views as well.’

‘I have very little experience upon which to base any opinions. It was only a week ago that I first dressed as a woman.’

‘In that case you’ll probably have to rely on my judgment on this occasion but, don’t worry, you’ll soon discover for yourself what looks and feels right for you.’

She led me upstairs to a room that was separate from their main salon and looked like a cross between a theatrical dressing room and a treatment cubicle in a clinic. At one end there was a swivel chair in front of a large mirror with hairdressing equipment. At the other end there was a hospital trolley, covered with a thin mattress and a white sheet.

‘We use this room rather than the main salon when our clients require a certain amount of discretion. It will give us the opportunity to discuss what we are doing.’

‘I see,’

‘You can hang up your coat on the rack by the door, and I’d like you to undress as far as your underclothes. I’ll be back in to see you in a few minutes.’

When she returned she was carrying a wrap-around dressing gown and a pair of disposable slippers for me to wear. I was wearing only in the gaff and feeling decidedly vulnerable. She didn’t bat an eyelid.

‘Don’t worry, I promise that before we’re finished with you this afternoon we’ll have you looking like a glamorous young lady.’

‘Thanks; I’m looking forward to it,’ I admitted.

‘But before you put on any clothes, I need to measure you for your breast forms.

‘Please go ahead.’

She took several measurements of my chest and also compared my skin colour with a chart.

‘I suggest a 36C. You’ll want some respectably-sized boobs, without getting too carried away in the first instance. After all you will be working in them.’

‘Go ahead, you’re the boss,’ I replied.

‘Alright, but I want this to be a collaborative effort. You will need to take responsibility for the way you look.’

‘In that case 36C sounds fine to me.’

She left me for a few minutes to place an order with her supplier.

‘Your boobs should be delivered by lunch time, and I’ll show you how to put them on and look after them,’ she said on her return a few minutes later. ‘Now, I’d just like to inspect the rest of your body.’

‘Go ahead.’

‘Hmm, you’re quite fortunate, Becky; you’ve a slender neck and there’s no trace of any Adam’s apple or beard growth on your face,’ she continued running her hand across my chin. ‘That is one of the main problem areas encountered by female impersonators.

‘My cousin did a pretty thorough job with depilatory cream on my arms and legs only a week ago, and I don’t need to shave more than once a week as a rule.’

‘Depilatory cream is only good for four or five days. I suggest we give you a cold wax treatment, which should remove the hair from the roots and probably be good for the six-week trial.’

‘Won’t it be painful or make my skin sore?’ I asked.

’Just a little, to begin with, but it is well worth the discomfort. Waxing will save you from having to use depilatory cream on your legs and arms each week and shaving your face and neck every other day.’

‘You’re the expert,’ I replied.

She wasn’t joking. It was quite painful as she spread the strips of wax on my legs and arms with a wooden spatula and then quickly pulled them off after it had set. However, she worked quickly and the pain was never long lasting. My armpits were the most sensitive area, and I was glad when she was finished. However, I could also see from the pieces of wax that she pulled off that it was working.

‘I’ll now do your chin, sideburns, back of the neck and moustache areas as well, although I must admit there is not much sign of growth there.’

These were all quickly and expertly done.

‘Would you like me to do you eyebrows as well whilst I am at it?’

‘If you do so, they will grow back after a while, won’t they?’ I queried, thinking about what my mother might say when I next saw her.

‘Don’t worry I won’t do anything that has a permanent effect on your appearance.’

‘Alright then, after all Jack suggested that I followed your advice.’

‘This will be one of your grooming tasks in future, to de-fuzz your arms, legs and chin every four weeks or so using a home wax kit. Of course, if you’re going to do this work professionally then you might think about electrolysis which would solve the problem permanently.’

‘I’ll bear it in mind but I don’t think I’m ready to go that far at present’.

Yet that comment did plant the smallest question in my mind as to exactly how far I was prepared to go?

~o~O~o~

Once the waxing was over I was at last able to put on the dressing gown and slippers and I felt much less self-conscious.

‘Whilst we are waiting for your boobs to arrive we can begin work on your hair, your hands and finger nails. After lunch we’ll give your face a full makeover.

‘Alright then.’

‘And don’t look so nervous, Becky. Now we have finished the waxing, the worst is over. I hope that you will find that the rest of today will be a largely pleasurable experience.’

‘I hope so.’

She began to examine my hair, which was reasonably long and thick for a guy.

‘So what are we going to do about your hair?’ she asked.

‘I’ve never had long hair, but have often wondered what it would be like. However, I’d also like any style to be fairly straightforward to manage,’ I suggested.

Sarah looked at me thoughtfully.

‘Yes, I think that long straight hair will suit you, but before I put in the extensions would you mind if I colour it first?’

‘Do you think it would look better in a different colour?’

‘With your skin colouring I should like to darken the brown a few shades.’

’Oh well, if I’m in for a penny, I’m in for a pound!’ I thought.

‘Alright then,’ I replied.

Before she started to wash and colour my hair, she gave my existing hair a neat but attractive style. Once the dye had taken effect she combed my hair up and held it in place with some grips and began to make a number of tight braids which she sewed to together and to the hair roots to create three parallel tracks round the sides and back of my head.

‘We do this whilst your hair is still damp, so that when it dries they will be nice and tight. You may find them a little uncomfortable at first but you’ll soon get used to them. Within a day or two you will have forgotten they are there.’

‘How long will the extensions be expected to stay in place?’

‘I will be doing a thorough job and so they will probably be alright for the duration of your six week trial. After that you will need to come back to have them sewn in again or else taken out.’

‘What if I need to take them out in the meanwhile?’

‘You won’t be able to do so without a good deal of trouble, so I’d advise you to get used to having them in and learn how to look after your new hair.’

‘I’ll do my best, but as I said, I don’t have any experience of coping with long hair, and I’ve no idea what it will be like with extensions. So far I’ve only ever worn a wig styled for me by my cousin.’

‘So that is why you should make the best of this trial period.’

By this time she had finished braiding the tracks and sewing them to my scalp.

‘We’ll stop for a coffee then I’ll make a start in attaching the hair pieces. By the time I’m finished you will not be able to see that you are wearing extensions rather than your natural hair.’

During our coffee break, Sarah changed the subject.

‘So, Becky, how do you feel about joining the female gender for a while?’ she asked, as if it were the most natural opening to any conversation.

‘I’m not sure really: it is a mixture of feelings.’

‘You are going to an awful lot of trouble and putting the club to a lot of expense if you are not sure about what you are doing,’ she commented.

‘I really enjoyed entering the competition, but in some ways this is taking things to a different level, I commented, then added as an afterthought, ‘at least for the next few weeks.’

‘I don’t think Jack would be spending all this money if he really thought it was only going to be for a few weeks,’ she said.

‘We’ll see.’

‘So what made you decide to enter the competition?’

‘Ever since I was a child I’ve wondered what it would be like to dress as a girl, but I’d never dared to do anything about it before last weekend. It was Randi who suggested that I should enter, and loaned me a costume.’

‘Randi seems to have a knack of peering into people’s souls,’ she commented.

‘Yes maybe you are right.’

‘So how would you feel if they were to offer you a longer term job, as Becky?’

I knew the answer in my own mind but I didn’t want to tempt fate by saying it out loud.

‘I’ll have to see how I get on during the trial before making any commitments.‘

‘Well you certainly have the right looks and we’ll help you in any way we can. So let us now go back and make a start on sewing those extensions.’

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 8 My transformation is completed
 

After coffee, I resumed my seat and watched as Sarah began to sew a series of matching coloured lengths of human hair, attached to a cord, to each of the tracks. Once they were secured, the grips were released and my own hair fell back into place covering any sign of the tracks. It was as if I had a natural head of hair to well below my shoulders.

‘Do you have any views as to how I should style it, Becky?’

‘Not really, I’ll have to rely upon your advice to begin with.’

‘I think that we should keep the style fairly simple and parted slightly to the right in first instance. You’ll have plenty to get used to over the next few weeks as it is. However, before you leave this afternoon we’ll show you a couple of techniques to put it up if you wish.’

‘What else will I need to do to look after it?’

‘As a girl you'll find that you will have to devote more time to looking after your appearance. You will need to tie it back when you go to sleep at night or it will become tangled, and you must keep your hair well-brushed each morning and evening and also probably once during the day. Also you must wash and condition it at least once a week.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘Now that I have finished styling it I’ll dampen it once again and show you how and to put it into rollers to give it a little more body.

Sarah was right, the tracks were a little uncomfortable to begin with, but they were not painful and any discomfort was more than offset by the pleasurable feeling of having long hair covering my ears and well below my shoulders.

~o~O~o~

Whilst we were waiting for my hair to dry Sarah applied a face pack, and also started to manicure my finger nails. She then added acrylic extensions to the tips and carefully shaped them. Finally she applied various chemicals to bond them to my own nails. I looked on with interest. By the time she was finished there was no sign of any join between my own nails and the new extensions.

‘What do I do if I need to take them off?’ I asked, as she began painting on a base coat of nail varnish.

‘We use a permanent acrylic bond so you won't be able to remove the extensions except by cutting them off with scissors, which will be a waste of time and effort,’ was the reply. ‘I’m afraid that, as with your hair extensions, you’ll just have to get used to them for the next few weeks. But on the other hand you’ll find they are quite strong and so they’re unlikely to break.’

‘I was just wondering how I will be able to operate my computer keyboard at home, or, for that matter, do up the buttons of my clothes with them?’

‘Other girls manage to do those things with long finger nails,’ she replied in a matter of fact way.

I was pleased that the phrase ‘other girls’ seemed to come quite naturally to her.

‘I suppose there is no going back now,’ I responded.

‘Most certainly not and once you see how you look this afternoon, you won’t want to,’ she replied.

~o~O~o~

The new breast forms arrived by courier shortly after half past twelve, just as Sarah was giving my new fingernails a second coat of nail varnish. They were made of silicone and covered with a substance that closely resembled natural skin, and so were far more realistic than the latex ones that I’d previously borrowed. In fact they looked and felt exactly like the real thing.

‘We could stop for some lunch now, if you wish, but I was wondering whether you would like me to put them on straight away so that we could go out for a coffee and a sandwich together?’ asked Sarah.

‘That would be nice,’ I replied.

‘In that case please take off your dressing gown and lie down on the trolley for me.’

She held each form in its place and marked its outline with a felt-tip pen on my chest. She then stuck several strips of Velcro to each side, inside the outline.

‘These will take the weight of the breasts, but we’ll also use superglue around the edges, so they will be a little painful when you come to remove them. You must always use a solvent on the glue first, then give the Velcro strips a good soaking in the bath for at least fifteen minutes before you try and take them off. However, your breasts should be alright to stay in place for at least a week.’

‘What about when I take a shower?’

‘You may leave them in place, that way the Velcro will stay dry. You will however need to take them off for a while when you are not working to give your skin a chance to recover. We’ll supply you with some adhesive and solvent to take home with you.’

‘Are they expensive?’ I asked.

‘Yes, these are top of the range, but don’t worry, the club will pay for them.’

‘I hope they think that their investment will have been worthwhile.’

‘Well that will be up to you to prove, young lady.’

Once the strips were in place, Sarah spread a clear adhesive around the edges of each breast and also on my chest just inside each outline that she’d drawn. After leaving it to cure for a minute she carefully placed the first form and stuck it down holding it in place for a few seconds before asking me to take over whilst she smoothed down the edges and removed any trace of the adhesive. She then repeated the process with the other. Afterwards she carefully went over the joins with a sponge dipped in a flesh coloured make-up. By the time she had finished this task, it was extremely difficult for anyone to tell that the breasts were not genuine.

‘Alright Becky, they should be stuck fairly securely by now so you can sit up and let them go.’

I did so and felt my two new breasts flop down, pulling my own skin with them. I got up from the trolley and went over to look at myself in the mirror. They now seemed to be larger and felt a little heavier than those that I’d used previously but looked much better and appeared to move quite naturally.

‘How do they feel?’ she asked.

‘A little odd; it’s as if they have a life of their own, and they seem to have grown a size larger, now that they are in place,’ I answered.

She smiled at my description.

‘They won’t seem to be quite so large or uncontrollable when you’re wearing a bra. It will stop them bouncing around too much, but you will always feel some movement, which is quite natural. The additional weight will tend to pull your own skin into place to create the impression of a natural cleavage, which you can enhance by careful use of make-up. You should therefore be able to wear low cut dresses and tops without it being apparent that they are falsies. You will also find the different weight distribution will slightly alter the way you stand and walk.’

‘Are you sure there's no danger of them coming unstuck?’

‘No; they're sufficiently securely fixed to enable you to go topless if you want,’ answered Sarah. ‘But I’d avoid spending too much time without a bra, otherwise they will tend to stretch your own skin. If you ever plan to become a woman full-time you might do better to consider having silicone implants.’

‘No I’m not planning to do anything that cannot be undone’ I said, picking up my new bra, which now I found a little difficult to put on with my new longer nails.

Sarah helped me to put it on and adjust it to fit my new shape.

‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon get the hang of having longer nails.

The breasts did resume a more normal size once they were held in place by my bra.

‘So it definitely looks as if there will be no turning back now,’ I thought to myself as I examined my new shape in the mirror. ‘It really is going to be Becky for the next few weeks.’

Sarah must have read my thoughts.

‘Those breasts do look good on you and will make you feel more like a woman,’ she commented.

‘Good!’ I replied, smiling.

‘You can now put on the rest of the clothes that you brought with you and we can go out and get something to eat.’

~o~O~o~

By 2.00pm I had two realistic looking breasts, natural-looking long hair, and long elegant and exquisitely polished fingernails. I was wearing the clothes provided for me by the club, which would in future be my working clothes. They consisted of a pencil line skirt, with a vent up the side which showed off my thighs, and a plain pink blouse. The high-heels would take a little getting used to, but Randi was right, they showed off my legs nicely. Overall the outfit looked smart and stylish and would not look out of place outside the work setting. Despite the minor discomforts I was beginning to feel good about myself and the way I looked.

‘Will I need to put on any make-up if we're going out?’ I said as I examined myself in the mirror.

Sarah smiled.

‘We're only going to a café nearby for a coffee and a sandwich, but I’m pleased that you are beginning to think like a girl. I’ll just pop some lipstick and mascara on you for now, but we’ll show you how do the job properly this afternoon.’

I was glad that she did do so, as I later noticed a slight lipstick stain on my coffee cup, as I’d sometimes noticed with my mother or my sister. That realization gave me a small frisson of pleasure.

~o~O~o~

I’d noticed during the previous weekend with my cousin that, dressed as a girl I could chat unselfconsciously with other girls in a way that I’d never been able to do before. Thus we were soon gossiping together about our respective backgrounds, and I was beginning to feel at ease in my new role. At one point she mentioned her boyfriend, and so I naturally asked for more details as to how long they had been together and whether it was serious or not. She answered all my questions and then redirected them to me.

‘How about you, do you have a boyfriend Becky?’

For a moment I was slightly taken aback by her assumption that I would have a boyfriend, but then I remembered the last glimpse of myself in the mirror before we came out and realised that, looking the way I now did, I was unlikely to be in a relationship with a girl.

‘No, not as yet; life is a bit too complicated as it is,’ I replied.

‘So you’ve at least considered the possibility then?’ she said.

I blushed slightly, but then decided that I might just as well tell the truth.

‘Yes, I have thought about it, but, to be honest, I’m not sure about my sexual orientation or gender identity, so for the time being I’m happy to wait and see what happens,’ I replied.

‘Well you certainly now look like a girl and it's surprising how many guys are turned on by female impersonators.’

‘Maybe, but I think I’d prefer someone who liked me as a person, rather than as a representative of a category,’ I replied.

‘You’re right, but don’t be surprised if you start to receive offers when you are working. We’ve had several of your colleagues as our customers over the last few months, but I believe that you make the best looking young woman,’ said Sarah.

‘Thanks for the compliment,’ I said, ‘but it isn’t just a question of what I look like. Jack and Randi want me to be able to act and sound as convincing as possible.’

‘I know, and your looks are only half the battle. By the time we’ve finished this afternoon you will look convincing enough for anyone, but you will also need to look closely at the way women, walk, climb stairs, sit in a chair.’

‘Yes, I know.’

‘Your voice isn’t too bad at present, but there are various exercises you can do to make it sound more feminine without going over the top. But you will need to pay attention as to how women talk and interact with one another.’

‘There seems so much for me to learn.’

‘Don’t worry; much of it will come naturally after a while.’

‘I hope so.’

‘For the time being, make sure that you keep your knees together, and try to wear tight skirts whenever you can. Also look carefully at the way girls use their hands to express themselves when they are talking. Having the long hair and long finger nails will also help you in that respect.’

'Thanks,'

‘But tell me, Becky, are you doing this just for the club or for yourself as well?’

This was another question that I’d been thinking about. Given everything she knew about me there seemed to be no point in not telling them the truth.

‘I wouldn’t have let things go as far as they have unless I wanted them to,’ I replied.

‘Yes, I thought so.’

~o~O~o~

‘There are a couple more things I need to do before I hand you over to my colleague, Cheryl, who will give you a makeover,’ said Sarah, when we returned from our short break.

‘What do you have in mind?’ I asked.

‘We need to pierce your ears and do something about your eyelashes.’

‘Do I need to have pierced ears? My long hair will cover any earrings?’

‘True, but there will be times when you’ll want to wear your hair up, and earrings will be essential. In any event, how many girls of your age do you know who don’t have pierced ears?’

‘None, I guess.’

I didn’t like to say that actually I knew very few girls of my own age.

‘Exactly,’ responded Sarah. ‘Jack has provided you with a set of dangling earrings and a pair of studs and so I assume you will be having two piercings on each ear lobe.’

‘I trust the holes will eventually close up,’ I said.

‘Of course they will, if you choose to let them do so,’ she replied.

I sighed and decided to let her get on with her work, feeling that they she was the expert, after all. Once again there was a little discomfort, but she clearly knew what she was doing.

‘Now that they are in place, you should leave them alone for at least a week. I’m afraid your ears will be a little sore to begin with, but as with everything else, you’ll soon get used to them.’

‘Along with all the other minor discomforts today,’ I commented ruefully. ‘I thought that the rest of today was going to be a pleasurable experience.’

‘Remember that you are a late starter as a girl, Becky, so you have a certain amount of catching up to do. If we get the basics done today, you’ll be able to enjoy being a girl for the next six weeks.

‘I hope you are right.’

‘In any event, other girls have to go through a certain amount of discomfort, in order to look their best, so why shouldn’t you?’

I didn’t respond, so she changed the subject.

‘How would you feel about eyelash extensions?’ she asked.

This was something that I’d never thought about, even during my various nighttime fantasies.

‘Isn’t that going just a bit too far?’ I asked.

She seemed surprised by my suggestion.

‘Not if you want to have attractive feminine looking eyes. If we attach them today they should last four to six weeks before your eyelashes fall out naturally. It will just about coincide with the duration of your trial.’

‘I'm anxious about what my sister will say when she sees me later tonight,’ I replied.

‘I expect she’ll be pleased to have such an attractive sister.’ It will also save you having to wear so much mascara. But of course it is up to you to decide.’

‘Alright then. I’ve come this far, I might as well go the final mile.’

‘Good girl, now just lie back, keep still, and leave it all to me.’

At least they will all have fallen out before my mother sees me again, I thought.

I’ve no idea as to exactly what went on with my eyelashes over the next half hour as both my lower lashes and upper lid were covered by collagen patches and I had to keep my eyes closed whilst Sarah attached the individual artificial lashes to my own and then carefully separated them. The whole process seemed quite fiddly: not the sort of thing that I could ever do on my own. Eventually she stood back to admire her handiwork.

‘That’s much better’ she announced and removed the collagen patches.

I was suddenly very conscious of my eyelashes.

‘Will they always make me blink like this?’

‘Don’t worry, as with everything else, once you get used to them, they’ll feel quite natural.’

~o~O~o~

At three o’clock I was introduced to Cheryl, a young woman of about my own age who was going to be responsible for my make-up.

‘Hi Becky. We could go down to the salon but I would then have to treat you like any other of our customers. In some respects it might be better for me to continue to treat you separately for today as there are a number of points which we’ll want to discuss.’

‘As I have virtually no experience using cosmetics and have a lot to learn so I will be happy to be treated separately today.’

Over the next hour Cheryl carefully explained to me what she was doing and why. She pointed out what she regarded as my good features, which ought to be accentuated - such as my cheekbones and slender neck. Other points, such as my lips, would need to be softened and my eyes highlighted by careful use of make-up. She also told me what shades and finishes best suited my skin tone and hair colour, and what I would need to do to look after my skin. Jack had agreed for me to be provided with some basic cosmetics and skin care products, so once they were used on me, they were placed in a make-up bag for me to take away with me at the end of the day. For as long as I could remember I’d been fascinated by the way that women use cosmetics to transform themselves, and was really looking forward to the opportunity to practice on myself in future. But for time being I was equally happy to leave myself in the capable hands of an expert and to learn from her.

Cheryl worked carefully and so it was nearly four o’clock before I was at last permitted to stand back and inspect myself in a full-length mirror. I just cannot describe how lovely I looked or how good I now felt. It was as if I’d been taken straight back to that day that I’d watched my sister get ready for her school prom, only now it was me who would be going to the ball.

Cheryl called Sarah to come up and inspect their joint handiwork.

‘See, Becky, I told you that we’d have you looking lovelier than ever,’ she said to me, with a satisfied tone of voice.

‘I thought I looked good last week, but you’ve both done a brilliant job, thank you very much,’ I said.

‘So all the discomfort has been worth it?’

‘I guess so.’

‘… and no regrets about what we’ve done today.’

‘No, none at all, I now feel like a real woman, rather than a man wearing a dress.’

Soon afterwards Jack and Randi called in to inspect the results of their investment.

‘See, Jack, I told you she would turn out to be a stunner,’ said Randi.

‘I never doubted her looks,’ said Jack.

He then turned to me and said, ‘Well Becky, I’ve kept my part of the bargain, it is now up to you to demonstrate to us that you can present yourself as convincingly as you look.’

I shrugged my shoulders, and felt my boobs move in the process.

‘I’ll do the best I can.’

‘Good, we’ll see you at 6.00pm on Monday, when the bar manager will go through your duties with you, and in the meanwhile you can be getting used to your new identity.’

~o~O~o~

Before I left the salon, Sarah showed me how to pin up my hair at night, but it was going to take some practice, particularly as I also now had long fingernails, which sometimes got in the way. She made a list of the various cosmetics, beauty products and items of equipment that I would need to buy for myself in order to look after my hair, skin, and nails. She also gave me a few free samples that they put into my make-up bag.

‘I’m afraid you’ll find it is quite a time consuming and expensive business to look nice,’ she said.

‘So I see,’ I replied.

‘But, as the advert says, ‘you’re worth it!’’

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 9 Carol meets her sister for the first time
 

It was nearly five o’clock when I eventually left the salon dressed in my new work clothes and my sister’s winter coat. I had with me two carrier bags: one contained Nick’s clothes and the other various items of cosmetics that I’d been given. Twenty minutes earlier I’d sent a text message to Lucy indicating that I’d soon be ready to meet her. Shortly afterwards I received a reply instructing me to make my way to the Students’ Union in Gordon Street, which was only a ten minute walk away from the salon, (or perhaps fifteen minutes as I now had to walk more carefully than usual in my high heels and tight skirt).

I entered the Union coffee bar and saw Lucy sitting at a table by herself reading a textbook. She didn’t notice me, and I was almost next to her before she acknowledged my presence.

‘Becky?’ she said with a note of genuine surprise in her voice.

I smiled.

‘My goodness, they don’t go in for half measures, do they? They really have got you looking like a girly-girl.’

‘Is that intended to be a compliment or not?’ I asked, as I sat down, smoothing my skirt as I did so.

‘Oh yes, you look lovely, but they’ve changed you so much: your hair colour, your eyes, and those eyelashes,’ she said with mock emphasis on the last word.

‘They have rather gone to town on my appearance,’ I replied blushing slightly.

‘I’ll say. I feel totally overshadowed by my lovely young cousin. You’re far too glamorous for the Students’ Union. There’s a sandwich bar down road, let’s go there and you can tell me all about your day. However I won’t be able to stay for too long as I have an essay to finish.’

Lucy wanted to hear all the details and professed herself to be envious of the beauty treatment that I’d received and of my new ‘look’.

‘Thanks. I’m going to have to buy a few more underclothes in the next day or two, and in the longer term I I’ll probably need to get myself some other clothes, but Carol has promised to loan me some or hers so I’ll wait for a while before making any decisions,’ I said.

‘I’ll have to go back to the library now, Becky, but why not come to my flat tomorrow morning at 10.30. We can go shopping for some lingerie and I’ll also loan you that dress and the shoes that you wore last week.’

‘Alright then, thank you very much.’

~o~O~o~

It was six thirty and I knew that Carol wasn’t going to be home for three hours and so I needed to kill some time. I decided to risk doing some early evening shopping in Regent’s Street on my own. For the first time I was able to spend time examining female clothing without any feeling of embarrassment. I even considered trying on a couple of dresses but in the end decided against it. I wasn’t in a position to spend a lot of money before I’d received my first wages. I did, however, buy myself a few items that I was going to need to look after my hair, including a hair brush, some rollers and hair grips. I decided to leave any purchase of underwear until I went out with Lucy the following day.

At eight o’clock I realised that I was feeling quite hungry. I’d been too nervous to eat any breakfast that morning and had only had a sandwich at lunchtime, so decided to treat myself to something to eat in the Wendy’s burger bar in Upper Regent Street, partly to give my feet a rest. I was still feeling good about the way I looked, although conscious of receiving several glances from other diners. For a moment I wondered whether they could see through the disguise, but then realised that it was rather because I was so nicely dressed and made up. Before leaving for Willesden, I made my way to ‘the Ladies’ where I emptied my bladder and proceeded to refresh my lipstick. There were a couple of other girls using the mirror, but no-one paid any particular attention to me.

~o~O~o~

I approached Carol’s flat laden with my new possessions and make-up and feeling both tired and happy. I noticed a light on in the living room indicating that she was already at home, earlier than she’d intended.

‘Hi Carol,’ I said cheerfully as I let myself in the front door, put down my two bags in the hall and took off the coat.

My sister emerged from the kitchen, when she heard me come in. She took one look at me and went white. I’d quite forgotten that she’d yet to see me dressed as a girl.

‘Oh my God, Nick, whatever have they done to you? You look like a call girl.’

I was a little taken aback by her reaction, having been the recipient of an afternoon full of re-assurance and compliments about my appearance; but I managed to stand my ground.

‘It isn’t Nick; it is Becky now — at your request, if you remember. You knew perfectly that I was going to be dressed as a girl when I came home this evening.’

‘Yes, but you didn’t say that you would come home with dyed hair, smothered in make-up, and wearing a tight skirt and ‘Fuck-me’ shoes,’ she continued, angrily.

Suddenly I felt embarrassed and a little sorry that I’d allowed us all to get so carried away with my appearance during the afternoon. Carol had clearly never been to a drag club and had no idea what went on there. I should have broken it to her more gently.

‘And what have they done to your eyebrows? I sincerely hope you’ll be able to remove those false eyelashes tonight!’

Oh God! Whatever is she going to say when she notices my ear-piercings?’ I thought.

It was as if all of my feelings of self-confidence and well-being had evaporated in an instant; I just felt like a silly little boy who’d been caught playing with his mother’s make-up. I now felt ashamed of myself and my feelings. Yet at the same time, deep down, I knew that I’d wanted to do this for as long as I could remember. Now that the cat was out of the bag I was not going to let anyone spoil things for me.

‘No, actually Carol, they’re eyelash extensions. They’re stuck in place for the next three or four weeks, so we’ll both have to get used to them,’ I said with tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes.

‘Whatever is Mum, going to say when she sees you?’

‘I thought we’d agreed that Mum is unlikely to see me before Christmas,’ I said trying to disguise the signs of my distress.

‘Don’t you realise that what you’ve done today is going to take a lot more than six weeks to put right again?’ she responded angrily. ‘I’m supposed to be responsible for you: what will she think if she sees you looking like that!’

Suddenly it was all too much for me to take, and I gave way to the mixture of pent up emotions.

‘Well I don’t care what you or she thinks, I’m an adult now, and for the first time in years I have felt really good about myself today. Now you’ve ruined it all,’ I said angrily, through my growing tears.

Carol looked quite taken aback by my reaction, as I don’t think we’d ever had a stand-up row before. I didn’t give her time to respond. I picked up my belongings and stomped off to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and locking it. I spent the next ten minutes on my bed, quietly weeping, not just about the things that Carol had just said to me, but for all the unhappiness in my life of being a boy who so wanted to be a girl, but could never say so because he knew he wouldn’t be understood and accepted by those that he loved.

After fifteen minutes or so there was a gentle knocking on my bedroom door.

‘Are you alright in there … Nick?’

I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and looked an absolute fright with disheveled hair, smeared eyes and blotchy cheeks. I felt so angry about what she’d said, but also ashamed of how I looked and felt and had reacted. At that moment I wouldn’t have known what to say to her.

‘Go away, I don’t want to talk to you, and in any event it is Becky, not Nick.’

After a little while the knocking ceased. If she’d only addressed me as Becky rather than as Nick I would have opened the door.

After a few more minutes of silence outside my door I heard her return to her room. I carefully undressed, removed all the make-up, put some moisturizing cream on my skin and brushed and tied up my hair. I’d been instructed to leave the earrings in place for the time being until the holes had settled down. For want of anything else to wear, I had to put on a pair of Nick’s pyjamas and again scrutinized myself in the dressing table mirror. In spite of my male clothing and lack of make-up, all I could now see in front of me was a young woman with puffy eyes. I smiled at my reflection, and the girl in the mirror smiled back. There was no way that I was now going to allow her to be banished from existence.

I went to bed and for an hour or more I lay there going through all of the events of the day and then the previous week, in my mind. Did I have any regrets? Absolutely not, in spite of what Carol might say or do in the morning. If she asked me to leave her flat or decided to tell Mum, then - so be it. I would just have to face the consequences. Eventually, after about an hour of lying in bed thinking about my situation, I fell asleep and dreamed about make-up and hair styles.

~o~O~o~

I must have been emotionally drained by the events of the last few days, and especially those of the previous night, as I found that I slept for much longer than normal on Saturday morning. It was nine-thirty when I awoke. Lucy was expecting me in an hour and it would take me half that time to reach her, if the buses were in my favour. There was no sound coming from the flat, and so after I’d been to the toilet, I peered into Carol’s room but there was no sign of her; she’d already got up and gone out. It would appear that last night’s spat had upset both of our sleeping routines for as a rule she would sleep in late at weekends and I would be the first up.

The first question to be answered was what I was going to wear for the day. I could have put on the skirt and blouse provided for me by the club once again, but I was going to need these on Monday for work and didn’t want to get them dirty. I’d been counting on wearing the clothes that Carol had promised to loan to me, but in the circumstances I would now have to forget about them. There was really no choice but for me to wear some of Nick’s clothes, at least until I got to Lucy’s place to change. She had a couple of items of lingerie that I’d bought the previous weekend, and also the dress and shoes that she’d promised to loan me, so at least I’d be able to change before we went out shopping together. I therefore went through Nick’s rather meagre wardrobe looking for the most androgynous top and jeans that I could find, together with some white socks and white trainers. I would, however, need to retain the bra that I’d been wearing the previous day, especially as Sarah had warned me about going bra-less with my new breast forms, but I would be able to buy myself a new one in time to wear to work on Monday.

I was dressed in Nick’s clothes, but it was Becky that peered back at me from the mirror. Not as glamorous as she’d been the previous day without the benefit of make-up and smart clothes, but it was Becky, none the less, with her dark brown long hair, girly eye lashes and breasts clearly visible under her t-shirt. This realisation at least gave me the confidence that I would be able to go out without everyone staring at me and thinking that I was some kind of freak. I toyed with the idea of putting on a little lipstick and eye shadow, but it had taken me enough time to deal with my hair and I was already running late. I therefore quickly sent Lucy a text message to warn her, put my make-up case into a shopping bag which I was using for the time being as a temporary handbag, and left for Lucy’s flat.

Nobody batted an eyelid or took a second look at me during my journey across North London. Even when I had to pop in to a local newsagent’s shop to top-up my ‘Oyster’ card the assistant addressed me as ‘Miss,’ without a moment’s hesitation.

~o~O~o~

‘Hi Becky! I was wondering what had happened to you, and why are you dressed like that?’ asked Lucy as she answered her door to me.

‘Sorry, but Carol totally freaked out when she saw me last night, and, so I wasn’t able to borrow anything else to wear from her today,’ I explained.

‘What do you mean by ‘freaked out?’’

‘She told me that I looked like a prostitute, and so I stomped off to my bedroom and refused to talk to her any more. I haven’t spoken to her since.’

I began to blush.

‘Did I really look like a prostitute last night?’ I asked.

‘No, of course not, you looked great. Maybe they did get a little carried away with your make-up and everything yesterday, but everyone does that to begin with; it’s all part of learning the game. I can remember my mother telling me off for exactly the same reason when I was sixteen and I’m sure that your mother would have done the same to Carol at some point.’

‘I’m not so sure, Carol was always fairly serious minded.’

‘So she would like you to think,’ said Lucy. ‘But why did she freak out when she already knew what you were planning to do?’

‘I think some of it was the shock on her part of seeing her little brother dressed as a girl and wearing make-up for the first time,’ I replied, beginning to smile.

Lucy chuckled.

‘She needn’t have been so rude to you, but I can see her point. Another time, I suggest you should stick with your own lashes, which were perfectly long and full enough. A few coats of mascara will work wonders if you want to dress up, and can be toned down at other times.’

‘I suppose that I have learned my first lesson in wearing make-up - not to get carried away.’

Lucy smiled.

‘Don’t worry, we’ve all made that mistake, but what do you think Carol will do now? Will she tell your mother?’ asked Lucy.

‘I doubt it. In fact that was one of her main worries last night - what will Mum say?’

‘So what do you intend to do now, Becky?’

I was so pleased that Lucy added that final word to her sentence, and didn’t say ‘Nick’ or just leave the comment open. I got the impression that she at least understood how I felt without it being spelled out and would be on my side, whatever I chose to do. It was the addition of that single word that gave me the confidence I needed.

‘I’m not going back to being a guy for the next six weeks. I’ve made a commitment, and I intend to keep to it. I suppose I’ll just have to try and talk to Carol once again this evening. I intend to do so dressed as Becky, although this time I’ll probably tone down the make-up a bit.’

‘Good for you, if that’s what you want, I’ll help you in any way I can. I was due to go out with Andy tonight, but if you like I’ll put him off and come with you to offer some moral support.’

‘No Lucy, that’s good of you to offer, but I need to face Carol on my own. However, I would be grateful to borrow your dress and shoes once again, if I may, so I have something suitable to wear when I see her. Also I’d appreciate it if we could go out to buy myself some more underclothes as originally planned.’

‘Yes, of course, but first of all let’s get you looking a little bit more like a real girl,’ she said smiling.

Twenty minutes later I was wearing a dress and tights once again and sitting in front of Lucy’s dressing table feeling a lot better about myself. This time I did my own make-up, and made a reasonable job of it. My cousin kept a close eye on my efforts and rectified one small mistake that I’d made.

‘How are your ear piercings feeling?’

‘Not too bad, I think. I was advised not to touch them for a few days and so I slept in my earrings last night, there didn’t seem to be any great problem with them.’

‘And what about you hair extensions?’

‘I don’t really notice the braids any more, and I guess it feels like natural hair. It’s a nice feeling to have long hair, but I’m having to get used to keeping it from falling in my face.’

‘I’ll help you to manage it and will show you how to use grips to keep it away from your face, but you’ll find that you will need to be constantly aware of how it looks, and also of the need to refresh your make-up from time to time.

‘I know. They showed me what to do at the salon and I bought myself some grips and rollers last night, although I didn’t get the opportunity to use them.’

‘No problem, your hair looks alright for now but I suggest that you wash it and put it in rollers on Sunday night before you go in to work for the first time. Also, leave yourself plenty of time to fix your make-up on Monday afternoon. You’ll get faster once you’ve had a bit more experience.’

‘There seem to be so many extra things to remember as a girl.’

‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon get used to them, and they’ll eventually become second nature,’ she said smiling.

’That’s what Sarah from the salon said to me yesterday. I hope you are both right.’

~o~O~o~

I was ready again by midday and shortly before we were due to go out I received a text message from Carol. This time it was addressed neither to Nick nor Becky.

'Where are you? When will you be home? We need to talk! Carol.’

It seemed a little ominous that she’d decided to text me rather than to ring, but on the other hand it was easier for me to deal with, as I didn’t want to have another row with her on the telephone in front of Lucy. I therefore responded with a text message.

‘I’ve gone shopping for some lingerie, with Lucy. I expect to be back by five tonight. Hope we can talk then - love Becky.’

I hoped that this might at least give a clue to her that I wouldn’t be backing down. Five minutes later her response came:

‘Alright, see you then. I’ll provide dinner for us both tonight, luv C.

’

My sister had obviously cleared her diary for the evening and no doubt wished to have a serious talk with me. I doubted if she was going to be doing any cooking by herself but would no doubt arrange for a nice meal to be delivered from a takeaway.

~o~O~o~

Lucy and I had a great time shopping during the course of Saturday afternoon and I soon forgot all my worries concerning my forthcoming interview with my sister, or indeed that I might give away my biological sex to the shop assistants. I enjoyed the experience of going out shopping as a girl, especially with a female companion. Clothes shopping had always been an ordeal for Nick, something to be gotten over with as quickly as possible, but for Becky it was fun. I also noticed that I was beginning to take an interest in colour combinations, different fabrics and styles, things that I’d barely noticed in the past. I even tried on a few dresses, but wasn’t in a position to buy anything. Both Lucy and I bought ourselves some underclothes, and I would now have just about enough to be going on with as long as I did my laundry at regular intervals. I would, however, still have to wear Nick’s clothes around the house on my days off, which was a source of disappointment to me as I was sure that I wanted immerse myself in being Becky until the end of November.

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 10 Two sisters get to know one another
 
I left Lucy at about 4.00pm in order to give her plenty of time to get ready to go out on her date. I returned home with two shopping bags containing all of Becky’s remaining wardrobe. On the bus on the way home I went through various possible scenarios in my mind and what I was going to say to my sister when we met. The main thing would be that I was not going to give way to any bullying or emotional blackmail on her part. She had previously agreed for me to take part in the trial and I was now committed to doing so.

‘Carol,’ I called out, rather tentatively, as I entered the flat.

‘Hi …. er…. Becky,’ she responded emerging from her bedroom.

That was a good start - but it was followed by an awkward silence, with neither of us knowing quite what to say next. At last my sister broke the ice.

‘You look nice in that dress. Is it Lucy’s?’

‘Thank you. Yes; she is loaning it to me and the shoes I’m wearing; for a week or so.’

‘Oh yes. … Did she do your make-up for you?’

‘No. I did it myself today.’

‘In that case you've done it quite well.’

I smiled.

‘I didn’t get so carried away as we did yesterday.’

‘So I see.’

Another awkward silence followed.

‘Look …. Becky …. I’m sorry about what I said to you last night. I shouldn’t have done so. I was in a bad mood and then it was the shock of seeing you looking the way you did.’

‘Maybe the girls at the salon did go over the top yesterday, but only because I let them. I wanted to see what it felt like to have a full makeover.’

‘Well you certainly had one of those. So you still want to complete the six-week trial?’

‘Yes, we agreed, and I've now committed myself.’

‘Perhaps I didn’t take in the full implications of what you were proposing to do when I spoke to you last week. You’d better tell me all the details once again over dinner tonight.’

‘Yes of course, but let me just put these purchases in my room and refresh my make-up first,’ I replied, now confident that I was not going to give way.

~o~O~o~

I was right, Carol had arranged for our evening meal to be delivered from a local takeaway, and whilst we were waiting for it to arrive I went through all the details of the trial and my new job once again. Without having Lucy present, Carol felt less constrained about asking me some searching personal questions about my feelings and long term plans, most of which I couldn’t really answer because I did not know.

‘I’d no idea that you might be gay or a transvestite,’ she said, ‘I just thought you were just a little shy.’

‘I’m not sure if I’m a transvestite, a transsexual or am otherwise transgendered,’ I explained, trying to be as honest as I could without baring my soul in its entirety. ‘Also I’m not sure whether I am gay, straight or bi-sexual, as gender identity and sexual orientation are two quite different things. All I can say is that at the moment it feels right for me to be Becky.’

‘But how long is this going on for?’

‘I thought we’d agreed it would be for six weeks.’

‘Then what?’

‘I don’t know; we’ll just have to see what happens.’

‘How long have you felt this way?’

‘What way?’

‘That you wanted to dress as a girl.’

I shrugged my shoulders.

‘For as long as I can remember.’

‘But you’ve never said anything about it before.’

‘I know, I was always too afraid to admit it, even to myself. But ever since I went in for that competition and then was offered a trial as a barmaid I’ve felt more confident in myself, and who I am. I’ve also been having a lot of fun going out with Lucy,’ I explained.

‘You say that you feel more confident and are having fun but you aren’t likely to find many girl-friends if you dress like that,’ she said, stating the obvious.

‘I have found friends,’ I thought to myself remembering the fun I’d had after the competition was over the previous Saturday night.

‘Maybe not, but was I ever likely to find one as a shy, unhappy and unemployed young man?’ I replied.

She didn’t say anything.

‘Now that I have committed myself to my new employers, I'm quite determined to complete the trial dressed as Becky, Carol.’

‘So what does Lucy think about it all now?’

‘In some ways she seems to treat me like a younger sister. In fact she also told me off for wearing too much make-up yesterday, as well, but in a less abrupt way than you did.’

Carol looked a little embarrassed by my answer, perhaps thinking that she’d been a little hard on me.

‘It's alright for her, but she isn’t responsible for your welfare.’

‘Neither are you, I’m an adult now.’

She changed the subject.

‘You didn’t win that competition last week, so why do you think they singled you out to offer you this trial?’

‘I suppose they realised that with the right clothes and make-up I could be made to look like a convincing young woman. Perhaps Randi also saw something in my personality that I couldn’t. Maybe Lucy did so as well. She has encouraged me to go for it although without ever putting any pressure on me.’

Carol thought for a moment.

‘A few minutes ago I said that I had no idea about how you felt, but now I come to think about it, there was one occasion when you were a little boy and I was about to go to the school prom. Mum was doing my hair for me, and although I had my back to you, I could see your reflection in the mirror. There was such an expression of longing on your face, that I felt sure that you would have liked to change places with me.’

‘You never said anything about it at the time.’

‘No, I suppose that I was more concerned about my prom and I didn’t want to embarrass you or cause you any problems. I wish now that I’d said something afterwards.’

She smiled and added as an afterthought: ‘maybe I could have helped to dress you up as a princess.’

‘I would really have loved it, if you had done so, but what would Mum and Dad have said about it? In any event you left home to go to college soon afterwards.’

‘I know. I left you to get on with my life.’

Carol seemed quite absorbed and a little sad for a few minutes but after a while she took my hand and smiled.

‘Alright then Becky; I’m not sure that I totally approve of what you are doing but, as you say, it’s your life. If you want to live that way for the next six weeks, that is alright with me. I’m glad you’ve now told me everything.’

She then added as an afterthought: ‘I must admit you do look very attractive dressed as a young woman.

‘Thank you, but you do realise that I will be expected to wear make-up as well.’

Carol smiled.

‘It wasn’t the make-up that freaked me yesterday, rather the fluttering eyelashes.’

I blushed.

‘I know, and I’m getting more used to them now, so they don’t flutter as much. I promise not to repeat the experiment.’

‘You could always try stick on lashes next time you want to look glamorous,’ she replied, laughing.

I both smiled and blushed at the same time.

‘By the way, I’ve also had my ears pierced, yesterday’ I said, brushing my hair out of the way, so that she could see.’

She sighed.

‘I’d assumed as much. They are nice earrings that you are wearing. Once the holes in your ears have settled down, I’ll lend you some of mine as well.’

‘Thanks Carol. So will you be treating me as your sister from now on?’ I asked.

‘It doesn’t appear that I have any choice; for the time being at least. I never really had much chance to get to know my brother Nick. Maybe I should now make a little more effort with my sister Becky.’

‘I should really like that,’ I replied.

‘But what are we going to say to Mum?’ she asked.

‘Nothing: at least for the time being, until I know what I want to do in the longer term.’

‘So there might be a longer term?’

‘Maybe, but I don’t know yet.’

She didn’t press the matter.

‘Alright, as long as she doesn’t find out by some other means before you have a chance to tell her.’

I was now feeling a lot more confident in our relationship, but there was still one thing on my mind.

‘Carol, as we are sisters with no secrets between us, may I ask you how it is it that I’ve been living with you for the last five weeks and yet I still don’t know whether there is a man, or maybe a woman in your life? I never know where you are on those occasions that you don’t come home at night.’

She flushed a little and seemed hesitant to answer.

‘Isn’t that the sort of information that sisters might share with one another?’ I asked.

She sighed.

‘I suppose so. Yes, there is someone that I work with, his name is Geoff, but it is complicated.’

It was the answer I’d been expecting.

‘I presume he’s married,’ I said tentatively, trying to avoid any tone of disapproval in my voice.

‘Yes; and with three kids,’ she replied quietly, so I don’t want any of this getting back to Mum, or to Lucy for that matter.’

‘You can trust me, sister,’ I replied, touching her hand as I did so.

‘But his wife doesn’t understand him,’ she added, as an afterthought.

This is the woman who has two university degrees, holds down a high-powered job and has won prizes for her economics essays? I thought to myself, but didn’t say so.

‘Does Geoff know about me?’ I asked, instead.

‘He was aware that I’d had my younger brother staying with me. We had an opportunity to stay together last night but I told him I couldn’t as my younger sister would be arriving. He assumed that I was talking about two people.’

‘I see.’

‘That was why I was in a bad mood, last night; I’m sorry.’

‘Maybe I could meet him sometime, but only if you want me to.’

‘That may be difficult to arrange, Becky. But I’m glad that you now know about him and that I don’t have to keep it a secret from you.’

‘I’m glad too. Thank you for taking me into your confidence, but please don’t let yourself get hurt.’

‘Don’t worry about me, I can look after myself. I’m more concerned about my little sister.’

Neither of us said anything for a minute or two, but eventually Carol broke the silence.

‘Becky, I know that I shouldn’t have said some of those things to you last night, and I’m truly sorry. Whilst you were out this afternoon, I went through my wardrobe and have found some clothes that I no longer wear and which might suit you. Would you like to try them on later?’

‘Oh yes please. Carol, you’re a lovely sister.’

‘I hope you will be so, as well, Becky.’

‘I’ll do my best,’ I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

By the end of the evening I was the possessor of two more dresses, a skirt and a couple of tops. She also passed on to me a nightdress and matching housecoat and furry slippers which she’d been given by Mum but had never worn (preferring to wear pyjamas herself). I also had her permission to continue borrowing the older of her two winter coats, a pair of leather boots and a handbag for when I went in to work on Monday afternoon, so I wouldn’t have to make the journey wearing those heels. All in all I probably now had as many clothes as Becky might need for her six week trial.

~o~O~o~

We both slept in late on Sunday morning. I didn’t get up until 10.30 am and I was still in my nightdress and new housecoat an hour later, happily chatting on the phone to Lucy when Carol emerged from her room. I’d telephoned Lucy partly to find out how she’d got on the previous evening, but also to give her my account of my discussions with Carol (although omitting the part about her boyfriend). This was something which Nick would never have thought of doing but seemed to come naturally to me as Becky.

‘How are you this morning, younger sister?’ asked Carol when I eventually came off the phone.

‘Good afternoon, elder sister,’ I said, looking significantly at the kitchen clock, which was now just past midday. ‘I’m fine thanks.’

’That’s one more thing I’ll need to get for myself in due course, a more suitably sized wristwatch, I thought.

‘I thought you were supposed to be practicing how to put on your own make-up this weekend,’ said Carol as she poured herself a coffee.

‘I am, but I haven’t had a chance to do so as yet. It took me nearly half an hour just to sort out my hair,’ I replied.

‘Well it is a lifestyle that you’ve chosen to adopt, my dear sister, so you must accept the consequences,’ she said, smiling. ‘But if you change into a one of those dresses that I gave you last night and can manage to put on some make-up in the next half an hour, I’ll take you out for some lunch, although I’m afraid I’ll have to go into my work afterwards.’

‘That’ll suit me fine,’ I replied.

Carol checked up on my efforts and expressed her approval before we left home, so I concluded that she was not now ashamed of being seen out in public with me, in spite of the eyelashes. This was a decided step forward for although she’d been generous enough to Nick over the last few weeks, she’d never invited him out to lunch with her before.

‘So what plans do you have for the rest of the day and tomorrow, sister?’ she asked as we sat together in a nearby cafe.

‘I’ll still need some more practice of being Becky and getting myself ready before I go into work tomorrow afternoon. I must also phone Mum this afternoon as I haven’t spoken to her in nearly a week and I don’t want her to get anxious about me.’

‘It is just as well she doesn’t use Skype or MSN, or else she would want to see you as well. What have you said to her about your new job?’

‘I told her that I’ve found some temporary bar work in a night club.’

‘Alright, as long as we both get our stories straight.’

~o~O~o~

I felt a little bit dishonest when I phoned Mum, looking as I did, whilst pretending to be Nick. Part of me wanted to tell her everything that had happened, and then face the consequences, but I knew this would not be a good idea and would also create difficulties for my sister. Mum would be up on the next train, before I’d even begun my new job. There would come a time to tell her, but only after I’d had a chance to discover whether or not there was any future for Becky. So instead I prevaricated and gave her as few details as possible about my new job, saying that I’d yet to find them out for myself, but promising to ring her again the following Sunday afternoon.

I spent the rest of Sunday afternoon before I went in to work, preparing myself for my new job. This included practising putting on my make-up and doing my hair once again, and also in walking and climbing stairs whilst wearing the tight skirt and heels. Carol arrived home at 9.00pm, just as I was about to wash my hair.

‘I’ll help you to put it in some rollers when you are finished and perhaps then you can help me with mine, as well.’

‘I’d love to,’ I said, feeling that I was at last beginning to be accepted as a sister.

‘I doubt if I’ll have a chance to talk with you again before you begin your job tomorrow. So good luck, I hope all goes well and that it works out as you would wish.’

‘Thanks, Carol.

‘Leave yourself plenty of time to get ready.

‘I will.’

‘And one other thing, Becky.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I’m proud to have you as my sister.’

~o~O~o~

On Monday morning I lay in bed until after I heard my sister leave for work, trying to work out in my own mind what I thought of recent events. I was beginning to get used to some of the different feelings associated with being a girl, such as having lovely smooth arms and legs and long finger nails. I was now barely conscious of the tracks holding my hair extensions in place, so that most of the time it felt just as if it were my own. My ear lobes had also now ceased to feel sore, although I realised that the holes would not yet have healed completely. Sarah had been right, it was a good idea to get all of these discomforts out of the way at the start and so I would be able to enjoy my new identity.

I got up and took a shower, and whilst I did so checked that my boobs were still securely in place and not creating any soreness on my skin. I was not entirely used to the additional weight of them and the way they moved, but no doubt this would come in time. I dressed myself in one of the dresses that Carol had given me and put on a pair of tights that I’d bought when I was with Lucy on Saturday. It was a nice feeling as I did so. I then brushed my hair and put on some make-up before going out for an hour or so. This time there was no Lucy or Sarah to help me with my hair and make-up, and no Carol to make sure that I looked alright and advise me what to wear. From now onwards I would be taking responsibility for how I dressed and looked. It was a little scary, but felt right.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 11 Learning how to become Becky
 

In retrospect I can now see that the next three to four weeks in my job — during October 2009 — were the most exhilarating period in my life, as I gradually acquired the skills and competencies to become a successful female impersonator. It was not just a question of learning how to wear the clothes, put on make-up and look after my hair, although these were important, but also a hundred other small details. I gradually learned how to adopt a female walk, both out in the street when wearing low heels and also in the club with my high heels and tight skirt. I learned how to speak as a young woman would, to gesture with my hands, and use other aspects of my body language to express whom I wanted to be. After a while these came almost naturally to me.

I also gained the confidence to make appropriate eye contact, and not be afraid that someone was going to challenge me in the street. At the club I learned how to interact with others as a young woman; both guys and other girls. None of this came all at once, but after almost every day I was aware that I’d made some progress. The work was not always easy, as the club could get quite hectic at weekends, and there were times when my calf muscles ached through having to wear those high heels, but I always enjoyed getting myself ready to go in to work, looking good and dealing with the customers. However, I can see that, in my enthusiasm for describing this period, I am tending to run ahead with my story, and so perhaps I should return to my chronological account.

~o~O~o~

My first two days in the job were something of an induction period when I was introduced to my duties and my new colleagues. It was a little bit nerve-wracking to begin with, but I survived. I felt as if I was under scrutiny by just about everybody: my bosses, my new colleagues behind the bar, and even the customers. I therefore went to some trouble over my appearance and checked up on how I was looking from time to time. I also went out of my way to demonstrate that I was prepared to put in some effort and they were right to have confidence in me. However, as time went on I just slotted in as one of the team.

Jack didn’t really say much when I arrived on Monday evening other than to welcome me to the club and hand me over to the bar manager to go through my duties with me. Randi later commented that I looked very smart in my new uniform and had done my make-up well for a beginner, which I suppose was a mark of approval but she always looked so glamorous when she was dressed up and exuded confidence in her appearance. Joe, the bar manager, informed me that my normal working week would be from Friday night until the following Tuesday night giving me every Wednesday and Thursday off. This suited fine as Thursday was the one evening in the week when Carol would usually get home early. (I now realised that her guy had some regular commitment with his wife and kids on that day.) Otherwise we would barely have had any chance to see one another, apart from lunchtime on Sundays, as one or other of us would be asleep whenever we were in the flat together.

Carol had left me a note when I woke up at lunch time on that first Tuesday, inviting me to ring her at work and let her know how things had gone. I did so, but only after I was dressed, had put on some make-up and had sorted out my hair, as I was beginning to discover that the way I looked affected my feelings of self-confidence and how I dealt with people. It had taken me two hours to get myself ready and put on my make-up on that first occasion, but I managed to reduce this to half an hour within a week. Carol was mainly concerned about how I would get back to Willesden in the early hours of the morning.

‘That isn’t going to be a problem, the club has a contract with a local mini-cab firm to take their staff home as there is no public transport at that time of night. I’m told that the drivers are all pretty friendly but know who we are and so don’t try anything on,’ I replied.

‘That’s a relief I wouldn’t want you travelling home on your own in the early hours of the morning.’

‘Me neither,’ I replied.

‘What about your journey into work?’

‘I have to say I found that commuting in to Central London a little difficult, although at least I won’t be travelling in during the rush-hour. I didn’t mind the walk from the flat to the tube station, but waiting on the platform and sitting on the train was quite stressful. I was conscious of people looking at me - especially young guys.’

‘Don’t worry; they’re probably just fancying their chances with you. Just ignore them, or try to develop a withering look. If necessary you can always tell them to get lost,’ she said.

‘I suppose I’ll just have to get used to it or learn how to handle guys, but it can be a little intimidating.’

‘Wearing an engagement ring might help to discourage some, although a few guys would regard that as a challenge. If you like I’ll loan you one of my rings that could serve that purpose.’

‘Alright, if it fits me.’

‘I should think so, you always have had slender hands. Also, try and give yourself something to do on the journey. Take some of my magazines with you on the train, or use the time to check up on your make-up, that way you don’t need to make eye-contact with any young male commuters, if you don’t want to.’

‘Thanks for the tips.’

‘Well I need to look out for my little sister.’

~o~O~o~

I also spoke briefly on the phone to Lucy, who invited me to come round and tell her how I got on when I was free on Wednesday evening.

‘If you’re sure that you can spare the time.’

‘Of course I can spare some time for a chat with my new girl cousin.’

We arranged for me to come at 6.30 but that I wouldn’t stay too late as Lucy had an essay to write and I wanted to see Carol when she got home about 9.30. I discovered that I would only just have enough clothes if I kept on top of my laundry. The club provided me with a spare blouse and skirt, and I managed alright with the limited range of outfits available when I wasn’t working. However, any other social occasions might leave me with nothing to wear if I was not careful. I therefore spent most of the afternoon wearing a pair of Nick’s jeans and a t-shirt, although I managed to get the dress that my cousin had loaned me washed, dried and ironed in time so I could put it on when I went to see her.

By this time I was in a position to give her an account of my serving the customers for the first time.

‘Fortunately the club wasn’t too busy last night and so I tried out a certain amount of chatting to the female customers, and even a little flirting with the guys. They know perfectly well my true sex.

‘So that is all you have to do all evening, chat and flirt with the customers?’

‘No, of course not; there’s plenty to do and I want to show my three colleagues that I’ll work hard and pull my weight.

‘What are your colleagues like?’

‘There’s Angie and Zoe, who are friendly and personable. Perhaps they are not entirely convincing as women but they are both good at their jobs, all the same. They are good with the customers, and the nicer you are to them the more tips you make.’

‘You mentioned a third colleague?’

‘Yes, Angie and Zoe are guys, like Randi, who only dress as women for their work, but there is also Susie who lives full-time as a girl and has been taking hormones for nearly two years now. She doesn’t have the same extravert personality as the others, but seems to be very nice all the same. She prefers to tone down her make-up but looks the part and her boobs are entirely her own. She’s saving up for surgery.’

‘So where do you come between those two extremes?’ Lucy asked.

This was a question I was unsure how to answer.

‘I’ve really no idea, Lucy; I’m just finding my way at present. For the time being I’m just concentrating on improving my general presentation; I’ll worry about the future later. I’m finding it quite hard work consciously trying to adopt feminine mannerisms and body language at the same time as taking on a new job.’

‘They’ll come in time; don’t try to do too much at once.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘But you are quite enjoying life as a girl then,’ she said.

‘Yes, for most of the time, although there seems to be so much to remember.

‘Remember that you do have six weeks to prove yourself so don’t be in too much of a hurry.

We then changed the subject and talked about Lucy and what she’d been doing. In particular, she told me about the latest developments with her new boyfriend, Andy, whom she’d met at the Drag Debutante competition. Things seemed to be going fairly well between them and I was pleased for her sake although, if it worked out, it would inevitably mean that she would have less free time to spend with me. Also, it was clear that she had a couple more assignments to submit over the next couple of weeks, and so I was unlikely to see much of her until mid-November. However, she professed herself anxious to keep track of my progress and so we promised one another that we’d keep in touch by phone and make time to have at least one coffee together each week.

~o~O~o~

In fact I didn’t get to see Carol when I returned to the flat after seeing Lucy, and I now realised why she could not always predict when she would be free (except for Thursday evenings). Apart from our brief telephone conversation, we’d not spoken to one another since the previous Sunday. Although on the surface Carol now appeared supportive of me, or at least willing to go along with our agreement, I realised that she was still not entirely sure about the wisdom of what I was doing. I was anxious to see her, face to face, and reassure her that all was well. I therefore left her a note on the kitchen table.
 

Hi Carol, I’ve been to see Lucy this evening, but am now gone to bed. I’m going to be off work again tomorrow, and will clean up the flat as usual. I’ll be doing some more of my own laundry so do you want me to do yours as well? Will you be home on Thursday night for a chat, if I cook us both something? Love from your sister, Becky. xx

 
When I got up the next morning she’d already left for work but had endorsed my note.
 
 

Thanks, Becky! You’ll find my laundry in my bedroom. I should be home around 6-30-7.00pm tonight and am looking forward to that chat. Love, Carol.

 
 
Inevitably Carol wanted to know more about my first two days at work and I told her much the same as Lucy. She complimented me on my cooking and the state of the flat.

‘I must say that it is nice to come home to a tidy flat and a nice meal,’ she said, ‘I could get used to this.’

‘You’re very welcome. As soon as I receive my first pay cheque I’ll start to pay you some rent.’

‘No, don’t worry about that for the time being, You’ll need to get yourself established first and we don’t know whether this job will be over by Christmas.’

‘In that case I’ll be happy to do your housework and laundry in lieu of rent.’

‘Alright, it’s a deal, and Thursday can be the night that I stay in and get to know my sister.’

‘So you are now thinking of me as your sister?’ I asked.

She thought for a moment.

‘I’m doing my best, Becky, and in a little time I believe I will do so without having to think about it,’ she replied.

I think it was the best answer I might have hoped for in the circumstances.

~o~O~o~

After those first few days at work I found that I began to be accepted by my colleagues and there developed a degree of friendly banter between us and occasional offers of advice on aspects of my presentation, how to deal with my false breasts and other issues that novice female impersonators might have to contend with. I also had to buy myself some new tights from time to time, but was able to do so out of my share of the tips, which were divided between the bar staff and waitresses. I was pleasantly surprised to find that tips were going to make a useful supplement to my wages.

I saw little of my sister and nothing of my cousin after that first week other than at the times we’d set aside to have a meal or a coffee together. We were all three pretty busy in our different ways and so tended to communicate by phone or text message. Inevitably some of their first questions to me would be how I was getting on at work and how I was finding life as a girl. I would always answer them, but usually tried to steer the conversation on to other matters as I wanted to be treated as a person rather than a sociological experiment. Sometimes this was easier said than done.

Although I was having a great time as Becky, there were a number of things on my mind. I enjoyed working as a barmaid, and seemed to be getting on alright but I’d no idea what I might do when it came to this proposed floor show that was being planned. The more I saw of the other performers the more I became sure that I wouldn’t be any good. I didn’t say anything to Jack or Randi though, as the trial was at least letting me spend time as Becky. I was however anxious that they would probably let me go as soon as they discovered that I had so little performing talent.

Another worry was how to deal with Mum when I spoke to her on Sunday afternoons. By the second week I was beginning to slot so comfortably into my role as a girl that I was frightened that I might say something to give myself away. As a precaution I put on some of Nick’s clothes before we spoke to remind myself that it was him rather than Becky who was speaking. This technique was successful but I found the whole procedure a little bit distasteful.

This led me on to my final frustration; Becky’s rather limited wardrobe, especially when compared to that of my sister and colleagues. As I may have mentioned, I had enough clothes to get by, if I was careful, but was beginning to get a little fed up with wearing the same things all the time. I had some money in my savings account, given to me for my eighteenth birthday by Mum, and I toyed with the idea of buying myself another outfit, but knew that Carol wouldn’t approve and Lucy was too busy to go shopping with me so I decided to make do until I received my first pay cheque at the end of the month.

~o~O~o~

Lucy had been pre-occupied with college work and her new boyfriend for much of October but rang me from time to time to see how things were going. We had coffee together on the Wednesday afternoon of my fourth week as she had no lectures and had just submitted an essay for her coursework.

‘So are things still going well, Becky?’

‘Yes, I think so. I’m even beginning to enjoy myself now that I've had a little more experience and am becoming more competent.’

‘I was talking to Randi yesterday; she said that you were doing fine and quite a favourite with some of the customers.’

I was glad that we were talking on the phone and she couldn’t see me blushing.

‘That’s nice of her to say so. I must admit that I quite like it when guys hold doors open for me, or chat me up at work.’

Lucy laughed.

‘Has anyone asked you out yet?’

‘Yes, I’ve had a few offers, but I’ve turned them all down.’

‘Haven’t you been tempted to accept?’ she asked.

‘Not so far, and in any event, whatever would I wear if I went out on a date?’

‘I’m sure that Carol or I could loan you something suitable, if necessary.’

‘No, you’ve both been kind enough to me as it is, and I don’t want to add further complications to my life for the time being. However, I am soon going to need to buy myself a few clothes as I find I’m constantly having to wash those that I do wear. I’ll be receiving my first pay cheque this week end, would it be possible for me to go shopping with you sometime so you can offer me some advice?’

‘Yes of course. I should have caught up with my college work by next week so we could go to Oxford Street next Wednesday afternoon if you like.’

‘Thank you; that would be great.’

‘I’ll call you on Sunday afternoon so that we can finalise the details.

~o~O~o~

I mentioned that Lucy and I might be going shopping together during the following week to Carol when I next saw her.

‘You must be nearly mid-way through your trial period by now,’ she said. ‘Wouldn’t it be better to wait until you knew what was going to happen at the end?’

‘Perhaps, but I‘m getting fed up with wearing the same clothes all the time.’

‘Do you know if they are likely to want to keep you on once your trial is over?’

‘I’ve no idea. I think I have been doing alright as a barmaid but nobody has said anything more to me about this new floor show they are supposed to be planning. There will always be work for hostesses or behind the bar at the club, but those jobs are quite sought after.’

‘When do you expect to hear?’

‘My name appears on the bar rota until the end of October, they will need to post a rota for November when I go in to work next week.’

‘Have you thought about what you are going to say to Mum yet?’

‘No, I am waiting to see whether they offer to keep me on or not first.’

‘Well, it is up to you how you spend your own money but don’t get too carried away.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 12 A visit to Cricklewood
 
In the event, Lucy and I never made it to go shopping in Oxford Street as planned. She rang me with an alternative suggestion on Sunday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to go into work.

‘Andy was telling me that his landlord will soon be disposing of a number of good quality second hand clothes in our size. Apparently, one of his former tenants has ‘done a bunk’ and is now being sought by the police, together with her boyfriend. She arrived back at the flat one night, collected her passport together with a few valuables and has left everything else behind. They appear to have skipped the country and nothing has been heard of them for several weeks now. The landlord is entitled to dispose of her belongings to cover her unpaid rent, if she doesn’t return by this coming Thursday. He was going to sell them to a second-hand clothes dealer, but says that they are very good quality and he would rather sell them privately if he can. I thought I might go along to see if he has a winter coat for sale. Would you like to come with me and have a look to see if there is anything to suit you as well?’ she asked.

‘I don’t mind having a look at them and maybe pick up a dress or two if they’re not expensive,’ I answered.

‘I’ll ring him up and tell him we’re coming on Wednesday afternoon as we are both free then.’

She called me back a little while later to confirm an appointment for us to visit the flat in Cricklewood at about 4.00 pm,.

‘What did you say to him about me?’ I asked.

‘Nothing at all, I only told him that I would be coming with my cousin. What else was there to say?’

I half hoped that I might have heard some news about my future employment after the weekend, as they must have been on the point of making a decision, but no news was forthcoming. I thought no more about our appointment until Lucy called me again before work on Tuesday afternoon to confirm the arrangements for the following day. She suggested that we should meet at the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 3.00pm and take a 189 bus from Marble Arch. I agreed to go, although I was now beginning to have second thoughts about whether I wanted to spend any more money on clothes for Becky as she didn’t seem to have much of a future, but Lucy had clearly gone to some trouble to arrange the meeting, and so I owed it to her at least to turn up and keep her company.

In the end I decided that I’d take the bull by the horns and talk to Randi before going home.

‘What can I do for you, Becky, my dear?’

‘I’ve almost completed four weeks as a barmaid and am running out of things to wear. Lucy has offered to take me shopping tomorrow, but what I buy will depend to some degree about whether or not I have a future working at the club.’

‘Would you like a future with the club?’

‘Oh yes, I’ve been having a wonderful time. I’d love to stay.’

‘Our plans for the new floor show have been delayed and put on hold until after Christmas, but nobody could fault you on the effort that you’ve made so far. Of course the final decision will be for Jack to make, but I honestly don’t think he’ll want to go to the trouble and expense of training a new barmaid if you’re willing to continue in that role for another three months or so. If you like I’ll talk to him and let you know for sure on Friday, but in the meanwhile, if you want to go out and buy yourself a new frock, I’d be inclined to do so.’

‘Thanks very much, I might just do that,’ I said looking relieved.

On the way home in the car I thought about the implications of staying on. A three month extension to my contract would take me well beyond the time when I would be bound to see Mum: there would be no way in which I could avoid telling her what I’d been doing. Also, I decided that I wouldn’t tempt fate by saying anything to Lucy and Carol, until I knew for certain.

~o~O~o~

I dressed myself with care the following day, wearing a blouse and skirt, leather boots and the black coat either given or loaned to me by Carol. I didn’t want to look too girly, but at the same time I wanted to be sure that there could be no suspicion that I was really a guy. I need not have worried for after having had the makeover and nearly four weeks of working in the club there was now little danger of me being ‘read’. Nevertheless I checked that my false breasts were still securely fitted and were displaying no signs of soreness. My ear piercings had all settled down and I had no difficulty removing or replacing earrings as necessary, and I was quite used to wearing a gaff. I now enjoyed having long shapely finger nails, but had to replace the nail varnish from time to time if it became chipped at work. I also noticed that my original hair colour was just beginning to show at the roots and the extensions were becoming noticeably looser. I made a mental note that I’d have to do something about them as soon as I was sure about my future.

Lucy and I eventually found the address in Cricklewood in another large Victorian house converted into several flats.

‘Is this where Andy lives?’ I asked.

‘No, he lives half a mile away, but his landlord owns several of these properties,’ she replied.

Lucy selected the relevant front door bell and rang an intercom buzzer.

‘Who is it?’ an elderly male voice asked.

‘Mr Turner, it’s Lucy and my cousin Becky; you are expecting us. We’ve come about some second-hand clothing that you have for sale’

The landlord let us in and introduced himself as Sam. He took us into a well-furnished first-floor flat and pointed towards the open door of an adjoining bedroom.

‘You’ll find everything in there. All the clothes are for sale. From what I remember the former owner was about the same height and build as both of you. I’ll leave you to have a look through them for a while. I shall be downstairs in the kitchen, call me when you’re ready and we can discuss terms.’

We quickly looked through a large number of very expensive dresses, skirts, blouses and tops hanging in the two wardrobes or else neatly folded away in a chest of drawers. Several of them looked as if they’d never been worn before, and others were still in plastic covers from a dry cleaner. The clothes included outfits for the office, day wear, business suits and leisure wear of all kinds. In the drawers were sets of matching lingerie and several pairs of stockings and tights still in their unopened packets. I noticed three outdoor coats, including one full-length dark red leather coat which must have cost a fortune to buy and half a dozen expensive looking handbags. There were at least a dozen pairs of shoes in different styles and colours, many of which seemed to have hardly been worn.

On the dressing table was a box containing costume jewellery, and a drawer full of cosmetics, and various other beauty products. There was also a set of curling tongs, a hair dryer and even a blonde wig on a block. On top of the wardrobe and under the bed was a set of expensive ladies luggage. The former tenant of the room, whoever she was, clearly had good taste and enjoyed spending a lot of money on her appearance.

‘My goodness, there’s some good quality stuff here,’ said Lucy looking at the labels and then putting on one of the coats. Shall we try the shoes on?’

‘Alright,' I replied.

I selected a pair of expensive looking high heels to put on, which seemed to fit me fine. Lucy found herself a pair of leather boots to match the coat she was wearing.

‘I would love these boots and this winter coat, if they aren’t too expensive,’ said Lucy. ‘How about you Becky?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I replied suddenly revising my previous decision and wondering how much I could now afford to spend.

‘Well at least try on one of the dresses to see if it fits you alright.’

I selected one and it appeared to fit me very well indeed.

‘You wouldn’t need to alter any of the dresses, if there are any that you like,’ she said.

There were, in fact, a large number that I liked.

‘Well let’s see how much he wants for them first,’ I replied.

We both changed back into our own clothes and called out to the owner who returned shortly afterwards.

‘So what do you think?’ he asked as he walked back into the room.

‘Surely your tenant can’t have just abandoned all of these clothes, they’re too good for anyone to leave behind,’ commented Lucy.

‘I think she only had enough time to grab her most valuable jewelry and her passport, and left everything else,’ he said.

‘What would happen if, someday, she decides to come back and wants to collect her things?’ she asked.

‘In the unlikely event that she does come back, I have instructions to notify the police straight away, as they will want to talk to her and her boyfriend about a great deal of money that’s missing from the office where they both worked. She has now been gone for almost six weeks and according to her contract, she must claim any of her belongings before nine o’clock tomorrow, and pay me all the back rent that she owes me, or else she forfeits her legal rights to everything that has been left behind in the room. I’ve checked with my solicitor, my former tenant would have no legal redress over any subsequent purchaser who bought them in good faith. If you decide to buy them, I will provide you with a valid receipt for everything and they will be legally your property’.

‘I see’.

‘Don’t worry, she’s had plenty of opportunity to get in touch with me over the last six weeks, but clearly doesn’t want to be traced,’ he continued. ‘I bet she is now having a great time spending the money she stole on lots of replacement clothes in Spain, and has forgotten all about these.’

‘Well, I’m not sure where to start. Shall we select some things that we would like and you can tell us how much you want for them?’ asked Lucy.

He seemed surprised by the idea.

‘No, I’m sorry but I’m not going to sell them piecemeal. Andy should have explained to you that I need the room cleared by this weekend, for a new tenant to move in. Whoever buys them must take the contents as a whole,’ he said in a tone of voice that allowed for no further discussion.

‘Oh! So how much are you asking for all these clothes?’ she asked.

‘My former tenant currently owes me fourteen hundred pounds in back rent, but I’m holding her original deposit of nearly a thousand pounds. I’ve no wish to make a profit from the sale in case her company’s insurance company should wish to make a claim for it themselves. So long as you agree to have everything cleared away by midday on Saturday you may have everything for only four hundred pounds. I’ve arranged for a new tenant to move in on Sunday. If you do not want to accept this offer I will telephone a second-hand dealer tomorrow morning, and I’m sure he will offer me that much for them,’ he said.

‘What exactly would we be buying for that money?’ I asked.

‘The contents of those two wardrobes, the chest of drawers, the dressing table, and the two suitcases under the bed are all hers. There is also a bag of dirty washing, but that has not been touched in six weeks and so you will probably want to throw that away. The furniture and fittings in the room are mine.’

‘Can we have a few more minutes to talk among ourselves?’ said Lucy.

‘Alright but I’ll need to know your decision this afternoon,’ he said and left us once again.

‘The price he is asking is only a fraction of what they must have cost and is far less than they would be likely to sell for on the second-hand market. I would offer to go halves, but even that is more than I wanted to spend, and I don’t really have enough room in my flat for many more new clothes,’ said Lucy.

I thought for a moment. She was right about the cost. There was everything there that I might conceivably need for a future life as a young woman, but it was still a lot of money to spend if it was only going to be for the next two weeks. Could I rely on Randi’s rather vague assurance of a further three months extension to my contract? But on the other hand there would never be another opportunity for me to furnish my wardrobe so cheaply.

’Even if they didn’t keep me on at the club, was I really willing to go back to living as Nick?’ I asked myself.

As soon as I’d allowed that thought to enter my head I knew the answer and knew what I needed to do.

‘Lucy, I have nearly five hundred pounds from my mother’s birthday present in my savings account. What if I were to buy them and then give you the coat and boots as a present?’ I suggested.

‘But where would you keep them all?’ asked Lucy, a little surprised by my response.

‘There is a large built-in wardrobe in my bedroom, a chest of drawers and a dressing table, each of which is only about a quarter full of Nick’s clothes. Also my room has access to a loft area in the roof, which is boarded and where I could store the remainder in the suitcases until I get an opportunity to sort through them all and decide what to keep and what to give away.’

‘I must say that he’s offering them at a very good price, but whatever will Carol say?’

‘I’ve no idea, but I noticed there is an expensive looking red leather coat which I just know that she would love to own; perhaps I could offer it to her as a sweetener.’

‘How will you move them all by the weekend?’ asked Lucy.

‘I’m not working tomorrow. If I come and pack everything, would you be able to help me to move them on Saturday morning before I go in to work?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I suppose so, since you are offering to give me the coat and boots.’

‘We could hire a couple of minicabs.’

‘Andy has a large car with a hatchback. Maybe I could ask him, if he would be prepared to deliver them in his car for you.’

‘I’d be happy to pay for his petrol if he did do so,’ I replied.

‘I’ll ask him tonight, but you’d better also clear it with Carol as well, I don’t want for us to turn up with piles of new clothes for you without her prior agreement. She hasn’t entirely forgiven me for dressing you up as Marilyn Monroe.’

‘The last time I spoke to her I got the impression that she was becoming a little more reconciled to having me staying as Becky.’

‘I sincerely hope so.’

‘She tends to stay out late on Wednesdays but I’m likely to see her tomorrow evening, I’ll tell her then.’

‘Just make sure you do.’

Sam came back into the room. This time I took the lead.

‘Alright Mr Turner, we'll take everything. I’ll come round tomorrow to pack everything and then we’ll collect them on Saturday morning,’ I said.

‘I would like to have the room cleared as soon as possible, but when you’ve packed you may leave all the cases and the bags in the garage until they can be collected, they should be safe enough there.’

‘Alright then.’

‘In that case I’d like you to give me a 25% deposit now, and pay the remainder when you clear the room tomorrow.’

‘If we give you  £150 now may my cousin take that coat and those boots straight away?’ I asked.

‘I suppose so, as long as you promise to return first thing tomorrow.’

Between us Lucy and I could just about manage to raise  £150 which we handed over to him, and he wrote out a receipt.

‘How will I contact you tomorrow morning?’ I asked.

‘I’ll be working at the flat from 9.30 onwards,’ he said.

~o~O~o~

‘Well Becky, you are now the proud owner of a complete wardrobe of female clothing and accessories,’ said Lucy as we were travelling back on the bus together.

‘So it would seem,’ I replied, beginning to wonder what I’d just done, and what Carol was going to say when she found out.

One thing I noticed about Becky compared to Nick, was that she does sometimes get a little carried away by her enthusiasm.

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 13 An extension to my contract
 

I briefly caught up with Carol the following morning as she was about to leave for work.

‘You’re up early this morning Becky, I thought it was your day off today,’ she said as she was putting on her shoes ready to go out.

‘It is, but I’ll be going out myself later on,’ I replied.

‘Well, goodbye for now,’ she said giving me a quick kiss before picking up her handbag.

‘Carol, are you expecting to be home as usual this evening?’

‘Yes, I should think so?’

‘Good! I’ll be making our dinner as usual, and there’s something that I need to talk to you about,’ I said.

‘Oh dear! That sounds a little ominous,’ she said, but fortunately she was in too much of a hurry to ask me anything else.

~o~O~o~

I decided to put on a pair of Nick’s jeans, a plain t-shirt, white socks and some trainers, as I didn’t want to make any of Becky’s clothes dirty. I had no wish to look androgynous and so I also put on some makeup and a pair of hooped earrings which she’d given me permission to wear. I was originally intending to wear my sister’s winter coat, but the weather was unusually warm for early November, so I borrowed one of her sweaters which she didn’t mind me using, instead. I looked in the mirror just before leaving and was satisfied that my appearance, although not glamorous, was probably acceptable for a young woman on her day off from work.

My first task that morning was to visit the cash dispenser and withdraw  £300 from my savings account so that I could pay Sam Turner the remainder of what I owed to him. Once I’d also repaid Lucy I would have less than  £100 in both my accounts, but I was going to be paid at the weekend, and there were always some tips to share. I made my way to the house in Cricklewood arriving at about 10.30 am, gave Sam his money and he gave me another receipt. The clothes were all now mine. He let me into the flat once again.

‘Let me know when you are ready, young lady, and I’ll help you to carry them down to the garage,’ he said, before leaving me to my own devices.

I began to survey my purchases in the cold light of day. They were certainly a great bargain but I‘d no idea what Carol was going to say when she saw them all! However, I began to formulate a plan to break the news to her gently.

There were in fact three empty suitcases under the bed, as a smaller one was inside a larger. I began by sorting the clothes into different categories on the bed, packing all of the summer clothes and other things that I wouldn’t need immediately, into the suitcases, whilst simultaneously discarding a few that I would never wear into a pile. The cases were soon full and ready to be transferred to the garage. I then began filling two largish cardboard boxes provided by Sam, and finally with three large plastic sacks. I put the leather coat for Carol, and a dark red jersey dress and a pair of matching shoes that I particularly liked to one side, together with an unopened packet of tights. It took me more than two hours to pack everything up, before I asked for Sam’s help.

‘It will be a relief to have the room clear so that I can begin to prepare for the next tenant,’ he said as he took the suitcases downstairs whilst I followed behind with the plastic bags.

‘I’m glad to be of assistance,’ I said, smiling.

‘By the way young lady, after you left yesterday, I remembered that there was also a wooden trunk that my former tenant was storing under the stairs, which is also now yours, if you want it. I’ve already carried it out to the garage. You may take it as well, if you wish, or else I will get rid of it for you.’

‘What’s inside it?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea; it feels as if it is full of linen or perhaps some blankets, but I can’t be sure since it is quite sturdily built and securely locked and I don’t have the keys. It took two of us to carry it downstairs, but I don’t think it contains anything particularly heavy or which smells badly.’

It proved to be a nice looking trunk, with the name ‘Pandora Wilkins’ engraved on a small brass plate. It was securely locked with both a hasp lock and a padlock and I wouldn’t be able to get inside without sawing through the padlock and then forcing open the hasp lock thereby spoiling what might otherwise be a useful and attractive item of furniture. No doubt I would be able to store it in Carol’s loft for the time being, and decide what to do about the contents later. I might as well take it along with everything else that I’d bought.

‘Mr Turner, would you now mind if I quickly changed my clothes upstairs before I leave; these have got a bit dusty?’ I asked.

‘Please go ahead.’

I quickly put on a pair of tights and changed into the dress and matching shoes and touched up my makeup, and was quite pleased with the result as I looked at myself in the bedroom mirror. I also put on the leather coat that I intended to give to my sister, and might have been tempted to keep it for myself if it were not for the fact that I now possessed two others of my own. I put the clothes that I’d been wearing in one of the plastic sacks to await collection on Saturday, and those I intended to discard in another bag which I would drop off at a charity shop on my way to the bus stop. I then said goodbye to Sam and made my way back home to tidy the flat and prepare our meal.

~o~O~o~

‘That’s a nice dress you are wearing Becky, are you borrowing it from Lucy?’ commented my sister, as we sat down to our supper that evening.

‘No, I’ve bought myself some second-hand clothes; they’re all in good condition, like this dress, and were an incredible bargain.’

‘Oh yes?’ she responded with a note of suspicion.

‘Carol, you need to understand that they all came as a job lot.’

‘So exactly what have you bought yourself?’

I took a deep breath.

‘There are nine or ten dresses, half a dozen skirts, several pairs of trousers, a dozen or more blouses and tops, and some shoes,’ I said, then added as an afterthought, ‘and various other things.’

‘My goodness, you’ll have more clothes than I do. Where are you intending to keep them all?’

‘Most of them should fit in the wardrobe, the chest of drawers and the dressing table in my room as there is plenty of room in each of them. I was hoping that I might be able to store the remainder in the loft until I have a chance to go through them all and decide what to keep and what to give away.’

‘What are you planning to do with Nick’s clothes?’

‘I’ll leave them where they are for the time being,’ I suggested.

Carol didn’t look as if she was entirely happy with the idea.

Did you really need to buy so many clothes?’ she asked.

I nodded.

‘I would have preferred to buy just a few but the owner wouldn’t sell items individually. It was all or nothing — I’d no choice,’ I said.

‘How did you hear about the sale?’

‘Lucy told me, she was with me at the time and she’ll confirm that this is true.’

‘Lucy always seems to be involved whenever you do something reckless,’ she said with a note of irritation.

‘You mustn’t blame her; it was my decision to buy them using my birthday money from Mum.’

‘Hmm,’ she replied without committing herself.

I decided to change the subject.

‘There were also some nice winter coats as well, and I wondered whether you would like to have one of them?’ I said getting up and going to my room, returning with the dark red leather coat.

‘What do you think?’

‘My goodness, this coat must be worth a couple of hundred pounds even second hand,’ she said.

‘Do you like it?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course I like it, it’s lovely’.

‘Then why don’t you try it on?’ I said holding it out for her.

‘Alright then.’

She proceeded to put it on and began looking at herself in the hall mirror. It fitted her perfectly, and she looked really good in it.

‘Carol, I’d like you to have it to thank-you for being such an understanding sister to me’.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes of course, I’m pleased to be able to give you something that you like and that suits you so well.’

‘In that case, thank you, Becky’ she said giving me a kiss, ‘I can see that there are some advantages in having a younger sister’.

‘The remainder of the clothes will be arriving on Saturday morning. I hope that will be alright with you.’

She sighed.

‘Alright then as long as you can store them in your room and in the loft, I won’t object. By the way I’ll be staying with Geoff on Friday night and Saturday morning.’

‘Thanks for telling me. I hope you have a good time, but please take care,’ I said.

‘That sounds the sort of thing that Mum might say.’

‘Well I have to look out for my big sister.’

She smiled, and also looked a little guilty, but only for a minute before returning to looking at herself in the mirror.

‘I think I’ll wear this coat this coming weekend.’

I was quite pleased that she was going to be away, as it would mean that I could get everything stowed out of sight before her return.

~o~O~o~

One good thing about my purchase would be that from now onwards I’d be able to travel to and from work wearing my own clothes and then change into my work clothes on arrival at the club, just like all the others. I began to do so on Friday, wearing one of the dresses that Carol had given me, and taking my work clothes with me. I was just about to get changed when Jack asked to see me in his office.

’This is it,’ I thought and kept my fingers crossed that Randi had been right in her predictions.

‘Well Becky, you appear to have kept your side of our bargain, and have taught yourself to look, speak and present yourself as an attractive young woman.’

‘Thank you, kind sir, I’ve done my best’ I replied.

‘Our plans haven’t quite worked out as we wanted, but we still have ambitions to train you up for our new floor show in the spring. In the meanwhile I can offer you a six month contract to continue working behind the bar on the same conditions as you do now. If we’re able to go ahead with our plans before the six months are up I’ll arrange to give you another contract.’

In many ways this was ideal for me. I was happy doing my present job and learning how to be Becky. I had no pressing ambitions to sing and dance, for the time being, at least.

‘Thank you, Jack. I should like to accept your offer.’

‘There’s just one small point though.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Those hair extensions will be beginning to get a little loose by now. You should arrange for them to be refitted. The club will pay.’

‘Two of my colleagues wear wigs to work.’

‘I know, but we have no ambitions for them beyond working behind the bar. I think with a little more time and practice you could be quite special, so I would prefer you to continue just as you are, if you are agreeable.’

So that was it. They were expecting me to remain as Becky for the next six months — at least it saved me from having to make the decision about my hair myself.

‘Alright, if the club is willing to pay,’ I replied; then added as an afterthought, ‘but I just wonder what my mother will say about it when I get to see her for Christmas.’

‘Maybe now is the right time for you to face that issue and tell her, rather than wait until Christmas,’ he replied.

I didn’t answer. Instead Jack phoned and made an appointment for me to have my hair done again the following Thursday morning. I therefore decided that the evening would be the ideal opportunity for me to announce to my sister and to my cousin my news and also my intention to continue living as Becky for some time to come.

~o~O~o~

Lucy succeeded in persuading Andy and his friend Paul (the one whom I’d previously met at the club) to help transport the various items from the garage in Cricklewood to Willesden on Saturday morning. In fact there was so much for them to move that it eventually involved them in two journeys. Although I’d been working the night before, I managed to get up early to direct operations. The guys deposited the cardboard boxes and plastic bags in my room. I also asked them to stow the suitcases and the trunk up in the attic for me, but we soon discovered that the trunk was never going to go in through the access opening so only the suitcases with my summer clothes could be stored there. On the other hand, the trunk did fit very nicely in the bay window of my bedroom, and so I covered it with a white table cloth and it made a nice coffee table for us all to use once the job was done. I thanked the two guys and gave them each a half bottle of whisky for their trouble. Lucy already had the winter coat and the boots from me and said she was really thrilled with them.

‘I’ll have to go now, Becky, but would you like me to pop round to help you sort out your new clothes sometime?’ asked Lucy, as they were about to leave.

‘Yes please. Could you manage next Thursday afternoon?’ I asked.

‘I could be here about three,’ she replied.

‘Perhaps you could also stay on to have dinner with me and Carol afterwards.’

‘Alright then.’

~o~O~o~

I was left on my own and I’d just about had time to cram most of the new clothes, costume jewelry and cosmetics into the available cupboards and drawers in my room before Carol returned home. There was no longer enough room for all of Nick’s clothes in the wardrobe and so I put most of them into one of the cardboard boxes which fitted under the bed, for the time being. Anyone coming into my room in future and looking around would assume that it was occupied by a young woman, and I would be happy to let them think so.

I was just getting myself ready to go in to work when my sister knocked on my bedroom door and asked to come in. She was still wearing the leather coat that I’d given her.

Is everything moved in now?’ she asked, looking around the room.

‘Just about, but I’ll need to do a certain amount of sorting out over the next week or two. Lucy’s coming to help me on Thursday; I thought we might have dinner together again afterwards, if you’re free.’

‘Alright then. What’s that?’ she asked, pointing to the trunk in the bay window, covered in a cloth.

‘It is just a wooden trunk that proved to be too big to go in to the loft, but it makes quite a convenient little table there.’

She then turned to me.

‘I must say you look very smart again today Becky; you’re really learning how to make good use of cosmetics and to do your hair.’

‘Thank you. My eyelash extensions have mostly now fallen out so I’m learning how to use mascara instead.’

Carol smiled recalling her initial reaction to me dressed as Becky.

‘I should never have said those things to you. I actually think you look nice as a girl.’

I blushed and thanked her for the compliment.

‘At least I’ll have some more choice about what to wear from now onwards.’

‘So I see,’ she replied and was about to leave when she seemed to remember something.

‘By the way, I found some keys in the inside pocket of that coat you gave to me.’

She handed over a couple of small keys on a ring.

‘Thank you,’ I said, taking them and dropping them into my handbag as I got up ready to leave for work.

As usual the club was really busy on Saturday and also fairly busy on Sunday night and as a result I rather forgot about my new wardrobe for a while.

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 14 Pandora’s trunk is opened
 

It was good fun examining all of my new purchases over the next three or four days, working out how I might combine different styles, textures and colours with one another and deciding which ones I really liked to wear or suited me best. I was enjoying learning about clothes and fashions and found myself reading the magazines that Carol regularly bought for herself to read on the train. It was also nice to be able to go into work wearing something different every day, and a couple of my colleagues noticed and expressed their admiration of my new wardrobe. I now had a far greater range of cosmetics at my disposal and wondered whether I would ever get to learn how use them all.

Since I was due to have my hair done on the Thursday morning, I decided that I would make a particular effort with our dinner in the evening, both in terms of the meal to be served and the way I that looked. I therefore did most of the shopping and preparation for the meal on the Wednesday morning and devoted the afternoon to deciding what I was going to wear the following day.

At one point I was looking for a particular lipstick in my handbag and my hand touched the pair of keys given me by Carol the previous Saturday. As I did so an odd thought came in to my head. I turned round and faced the wooden trunk and looked carefully at the padlock. One of the keys on the ring appeared to be the right size and shape for that lock. I tried it and the padlock sprung open. I then turned to the second key and tried it in the hasp lock — that too sprung open. I quickly released two clips at either end of the trunk and opened the lid.

There was no dead body inside the trunk, as the two lads had jokingly suggested might be the case, when they brought it up to my room. There was just a layer of tissue paper covering a beautiful lilac coloured long satin evening dress, carefully folded. I held it up and gasped at the sheer loveliness of the garment. It was a backless dress with spaghetti beaded straps, ruched on the top with a band under the bust. Underneath there was another long evening dress, again carefully folded in tissue paper. This one was in lime green chiffon, with a V neck, beaded cup sleeves and a nicely ruched bodice. I took them both out and carefully lay them on my bed. A third long dress was strapless in dark blue silk, with a matching embroidered shawl. Then came a long black beaded dress made of taffeta, fully lined and with a padded bra. A net underneath of the outer skirt gave this one a puffy ‘Cinderella’ look. Underneath these four long dresses were three equally beautiful and expensive looking knee-length cocktail dresses, all in different styles, materials and colours. Then there were seven sets of expensive looking lingerie, each one carefully chosen to co-ordinate with one of the dresses, and various matching accessories such as shawls, wraps or clutch bags. There were also seven shoe boxes, each containing a dainty pair of high heels, again carefully matching one of the dresses. Finally, each outfit had its own necklace and earring set, again with the stones carefully chosen to set off the clothes to best advantage. Whoever had packed that trunk clearly had great taste, plenty of money at their disposal and a love of beautiful things.

I carefully placed each dress on to a hanger and hung them around my room, at first unable to take in how lovely all the clothes were. Once again I was transported back to that day in 1994 when I watched Carol get ready for her Prom, but now it would be my turn to wear the beautiful clothes. These were the dresses that I was born to wear.

A strange thing started to happen to me as I examined the contents of the trunk. I felt as if the haze that had enveloped my life for the last fifteen years was beginning to clear. I began to see exactly who I was and what I wanted in life. I had wasted the last fifteen years vainly trying to be a man - something that I now knew I wasn’t and never could be. In my soul and in my mind I was a woman and I now realised that it had always been so. Whilst I enjoyed working at the club and flirting with the clientele I had no wish to spend my life as a female impersonator like Randi. I wanted to be a woman and would take every possible step to become one, as far as was physically possible and as quickly as I could. I truly hoped that I’d be able to take my family and those that I loved along with me on my journey, but ultimately I knew that I had to fulfill my destiny and wasn’t going to let anyone stand in my way. Nick was now dead and that my future lay with Becky, and that was all that could be said. It took me several minutes to come to terms with this insight.

I was tempted to try on one of the lovely dresses straight away, but decided that I would rather wait until the following day, especially as I was due to have my hair done in the morning. Instead, I emptied the trunk of its contents, and began to fill it with everything that I could find that had any connection with Nick. I put in all of his clothes from my wardrobe and the box under my bed, I collected the books and magazines that he had read, and various other belongings — in fact anything that could be associated with myself and the male gender. They all went in the trunk. The only things I reluctantly kept were a few essential documents that I might later need to help me establish a new female identity. Now that there was room in my wardrobe and chest of drawers I began to fill them with the beautiful clothes that I’d just discovered in the trunk. By the end of the afternoon my bedroom furniture was entirely female in contents, as it ought to be.

When I finished packing Nick’s belongings into the trunk I picked up the pair of keys and threw them inside, closed the lid and pushed the hasp lock and the padlock home. Nobody would now be able to get in to that trunk without first smashing it to pieces. There was no way that I was ever going to go back to wearing those dreary old clothes now that I had so many nice things to choose from. The remains of Nick were safely locked away and Becky was at last free to enjoy her life. It was amazing how liberating that simple action of locking away the keys made me feel.

Carol stayed out late once again, which suited me as I wanted to stay in and make plans about my new life. Now that I knew what I wanted I was anxious to begin making progress as quickly as possible. I began by deleting Nick’s Facebook page. The few friends he had from his childhood would probably never even notice. I also cancelled his email account and started new Facebook and email accounts in Becky’s name. I deleted any photographs of Nick that I could find on my computer. No doubt my mother would keep copies, but at that moment I wanted to have nothing to do with my previous life, which I now found distasteful. I wanted to move on as Becky, as quickly as possible. Finally I spent several hours surfing the net to look for medical and legal information about changing my gender and began to download it into files which would be my essential reading matter in the days to come.

Carol came in soon after midnight and noticed the light under my bedroom door and so knocked.

‘Hi Becky, you’re looking very pleased with yourself.’

‘I’ve just made an important discovery,’ I said yawning, ‘but if it is alright with you I’ll tell you about it over dinner tomorrow evening.’

‘That’s fine, I’ll see you then.’

I went to bed feeling that the following day was going to be the beginning of a new life, and for once I did not need to fantasize about life as a beautiful young woman, because now I knew that I was going to become one.

~o~O~o~

‘I do like that dress, Becky, it really suits you,’ said Sarah when I turned up at the salon the next morning.

That was the third dress from my recent purchase to have elicited a favourable comment, either at work or from Carol at home. I was naturally feeling quite pleased with my investment.

‘Thank you,’ I replied smiling and smoothing out the skirt as I took my seat, this time in the main salon rather than a back room.

‘So how has the job been going so far?’ she asked as she began to inspect my hair.

‘Fine thanks, I’ve been having a really great time and the club has just extended my contract for six months.’

‘So I’ve heard. That’s really good news, we hope you’ll be our regular customer for some time to come.’

She began to examine my hair.

‘I’ll just need to touch up your roots and tighten those braids and then perhaps we can look at a more ambitious style for your hair.’

‘Thanks, I’d like that. I’m going to be holding a dinner party this evening, so I want to look my best.’

‘We’ll have to see what we can do for you, and perhaps tidy up those eyebrows a little?’

‘Ok but I’ll pass on the eyelash extensions this time. The last ones got me in to trouble with my sister.’

‘Would you like me to show you how to use stick on ones instead.’

‘Alright then, as tonight is going to be a special occasion.’

‘Is there anything else that you would like to have done whilst you are here?’ she asked.

‘I’ve always quite fancied having a pedicure and my toe nails painted, but that isn’t something the club will expect to pay for. Could I pay you for it separately?

‘Don’t worry — you have been taking good care of your finger nails by the looks of things, so I’ll just renew your nail varnish, do your feet and then put them both down on the bill as a manicure.’

‘Thanks, Sarah. I’m going to be wearing a lilac dress and these amethyst drop earrings and necklace tonight,’ I said showing the jewelry. ‘Do you have any nail varnish to match.’

‘Yes, of course we do. I’m glad to see you are beginning to experiment with your look, Becky.’

‘I’m finding that it’s good fun being a girl.’

‘So it would seem,’ she said making a start on my hair. ‘So is there anyone really special coming to your dinner party tonight?'

‘It’s just my sister and my cousin Lucy on this occasion.’

‘So better luck next time?’

‘I hope so,’ I said smiling.

~o~O~o~

Two and a half hours later I came away from the salon both looking and feeling like a million dollars, but had to hurry back to Willesden to continue the preparations for our dinner party. Fortunately I was well-organised and everything was in hand. I’d put the main meal in the slow cooker before I left, and prepared the sweet and left it in the fridge overnight. It was just a question of preparing the starter and the vegetables, laying the table and getting myself ready. Lucy arrived at the promised time, dressed in jeans and an old sweater as she had been expecting to help me with removals.

‘Your hair looks nice Becky, have you had it done?’ she asked as I opened the door.

‘Thanks, I’m glad you noticed.’

‘I could hardly fail to do so, but having your hair in that style does suit you.’

I smiled, knowing that she was right.

‘Come through to my bedroom, Lucy, I’ve something to show you.’

I’d arranged the various evening dresses and cocktail dresses on hangers round the room.

‘What do you think?’

‘They’re all beautiful, but where did they all come from?’

‘They were in that trunk that was thrown in as an afterthought to my purchase, together with matching accessories. I’ve only just managed to get it open.’

‘But that is incredible. What are you going to do with them all?’

‘Wear them, of course, whenever there is a suitable opportunity, and beginning with that lilac dress this evening,’ I replied. ‘I was hoping that you’d be willing to keep me company by wearing one of the others tonight.’

‘But I had no idea that you wanted us to dress up tonight. I haven’t prepared or brought anything with me.’

‘Believe me, Lucy, I now possess everything you might conceivably need, and will be more than happy to loan them to you.

‘But what about the other clothes that you wanted to me help you sort out?’

‘They are all sorted and stowed away. We now have three hours to help one another to get ready before Carol gets home. Then I hope you will help me to persuade her to change in to one of the other dresses.’

‘Since you put it like that, the blue silk strapless number looks very nice.’

‘I’m sure it will look great on you, so why not try it on?’

By six o’clock we were both immaculately dressed, made up and be-jewelled in our beautiful new outfits. I was just in the kitchen checking on the progress of the meal, when I heard Carol let herself in to the flat.

‘My goodness, Lucy, you do look nice in that frock,’ she said.

‘If you think I look good, you should see your sister,’ she replied, ‘even her toe nails co-ordinate.’

I emerged from the kitchen and watched as Carol’s face dropped in utter astonishment. For a moment I thought there might even be a repeat of her reaction to me on the first occasion she saw me dressed as a woman.

‘Becky, you look so lovely, but whatever have you done to your hair and where did you get that dress?

‘Carol, I promise to answer all of your questions and tell you everything you want to know, during the course of the evening, but first of all there are two more outfits for you to choose from. The meal will be ready in an hour, so I hope you will be willing to change into one of them to keep us company.’

‘I’ll tell you the story of the dresses whilst I help you to get ready, Carol,’ said Lucy. ‘We’ll let Becky finish preparing the meal.’

Carol chose the black taffeta dress and after a very quick shower Lucy, did her best to help her get changed and made up as quickly as possible. By the time I started serving up there were three very elegant and beautifully attired young women sitting at the table.

‘Alright Becky we’ve gone along with your scheme so far this evening but now I think it is time you told us what this meal is in aid of,’ said Carol.

‘In fact it is several celebrations all in one. Firstly, I have heard that my contract is being extended, for at least six months and possibly longer. The club therefore paid for my hair extensions to be re-affixed and my hair done this morning.’

Carol appeared as if she wanted to say something, but I pressed on.

‘Secondly it is to celebrate my acquisition of a wardrobe full of wonderful clothes, so I’ll never have to borrow from either of you again. And thirdly ….’

I hesitated for a moment. The two others looked at me expectantly.

‘I also wanted to announce that Nick won’t be coming back and that Becky is here to stay.’

‘Won’t be coming back, ever?’ said Carol.

‘Never!’ I re-iterated.

‘Are you sure …. Becky?’ asked Lucy.

‘Absolutely certain.’

‘But what about when your contract comes to an end?’

‘I will just have to find myself another job, but this time it will be as Becky rather than Nick. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Thanks to the two of you I have recently discovered who I really am and who I want to be. I’m an adult now and am certain that there will be no going back.’

Both Carol and Lucy looked surprised by my announcement but neither of them appeared horrified. I therefore spent the next hour explaining to them how I’d always felt for as long as I could remember, how I’d tried to pretend to be a boy to myself and to other people, but had failed. I also explained how good I now felt about myself. I was happy to continue working at the club for the time being whilst I embarked on my permanent transition to become a woman but my long term object was to resume my education and find an ordinary job and live an ordinary life in my new gender.

‘So you are determined to spend the rest of your life as Becky, to start taking female hormones and one day to have surgery?’ asked Carol.

‘Yes I have been reading up all about it. It can be done, quite successfully, but I mustn’t leave it too late before I start to act.’

Carol looked across at Lucy and then towards me.

‘I can’t say that I’m entirely surprised, in fact I don’t think anyone who has spent time with you over the last few weeks, would be. Lucy and I have been comparing notes about you by phone over the last fortnight and we’d both come to the same conclusion, but we’d decided to say nothing until you raised the subject.’

Lucy nodded in agreement, but Carol continued talking.

‘However, there is one person, who has no idea what has been happening to you and to whom this will undoubtedly come as a devastating shock — that is Mum. You always were her favourite.’

‘I was never aware of that; I always thought of myself as the family disappointment. I’ve really no wish to hurt her or to disappoint her now, but I really cannot go back to being someone that I’m not.’

‘So what are you planning to do?’

‘I suppose I will have to go home and explain to her.’

‘Dressed as you are?’ she asked.

‘Well not exactly in my lilac evening dress and strappy high heels, but I would certainly want to go as Becky rather than as Nick. There would be no point otherwise.

‘What do you think she’ll do when she finds out?’ asked Lucy.

‘Freak out of course! Carol’s initial reaction to seeing me dressed as a girl will be as nothing compared to Mum’s,’ I said.

Carol coloured slightly at the memory of how she had reacted to meeting me as Becky for the first time, and knew that I was probably right about mum’s reaction.

‘She’ll have to be told though, she’d be even more upset if she were to find out in any other way,’ she said.

‘I know, but I can’t say that I am looking forward to doing so,’ I said.

---

 

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 15 Telling Mum that she has another daughter
 

The prospect of having to tell Mum about Becky was the one ominous cloud in what would otherwise have been a perfect evening. I realised that it could not be long delayed now that my contract had been renewed and the Christmas holidays were on the horizon.

‘You speak to your mother regularly on the phone, why not tell her during one of your telephone conversations?’ suggested Lucy.

Carol didn't agree.

‘No, tell her in a letter, perhaps also enclosing some photographs, that way she can have a chance to reflect on the information before you actually meet her. Although I suggest that you arrange to meet her soon after she has been told. Depending upon her initial reaction, that meeting could be with either Becky or Nick.’

‘No,’ I said decisively. ‘I will write to her but the meeting must be with Becky, irrespective of what she says. In any event I no longer have access to Nick’s clothes.’

Carol and Lucy both looked surprised at this admission.

‘Everything relating to Nick is locked away inside that trunk in my room, together with the keys; I cannot now get to them without breaking it open and have no intention of ever trying to do so,’ I explained.

‘You really are determined to go ahead with your new life,’ said Lucy.

I nodded.

‘In that case, my dear sister, as soon as we have finished your excellent meal, we should sit down and draft a letter to Mum telling her exactly what has happened, and where you are now working. We’ll also take a photograph of the three of us wearing our posh frocks to send to her, together with one or two others you have of Becky more normally dressed. When the letter is written, you and I will take it down to the post box in the street and post it together, so there can be no backing out or second thoughts.

‘I think Carol is right,’ said Lucy. 'It is time that she was told.'

‘I know,’ I replied.

‘Would you be able to take Sunday night off work?’ asked Carol.

‘I could probably arrange to swap duties with a colleague; but why?’ I asked.

‘If we post your letter tonight it should reach Mum on Saturday morning. I will ring her at lunchtime to see how she is reacting. If things are ok I suggest that you and I should go to visit her for the day on Sunday. I‘ll remind her though that you will be dressing as Becky during the visit.’

‘Alright then, let’s do it.’

We cleared the table and then took a series of photographs of the three of us using the tripod and the timer on Carol’s expensive digital camera. We also took several pictures of each of us individually, and printed out the best examples using her photo printer. Carol and Lucy also helped me to draft a letter to Mum explaining what had happened to me, how I was currently spending my life, and how I’d always felt. It was a long and difficult letter to write. I tried to write clearly, unemotionally, but leaving no room for any doubt on my part. I tried to explain that for the first time in years I was truly happy with my life.

‘I wouldn’t go in to a lot of detail about your future intentions at this stage, let her get used to the idea gradually,’ suggested Carol.

Instead I wrote about how much I enjoyed my job, had made friends in my new role and hoped that I’d soon be able to meet her again. As soon as it was finished I printed it out and signed it as ‘Becky’ but added ‘your former son, Nick’ in brackets afterwards. I handed it to Carol, who had put two photographs of Becky looking happy, the best one of the three of us and another of my sister and myself, in an envelope. She sealed it and wrote on the outside that Mum was to read the letter before opening the envelope. She then put the smaller envelope and my letter into a larger envelope, addressed it to Mum and stuck on the necessary first class stamps.

‘Come on,’ she said, let’s go out and post it straight away.’

We must have looked an odd sight in November. Three glamorously dressed and immaculately made up young women in long dresses, with jackets draped round our shoulders to protect us from the cold, walking down the street, at 11.00 pm. When we reached the post box Carol handed me the letter.

‘You post if for me, please,’ I said.

‘No; you must do it.’

I took it from her and let it drop through the slot. I heard the sound as it hit the bottom of the letterbox. That was it; there was no way I could now prevent Mum from finding out. I took a deep breath.

‘Well done!' said Lucy.

‘No regrets I hope?’ Carol asked.

I shook my head.

‘No regrets, and thanks to both of you for all your help over the last few weeks, and I hope I’ll continue to receive your moral support.’

‘Of course you will, you’re our sister and our cousin after all.’

It was too late for Lucy to travel home on her own, so I found her some silk pyjamas from out of my new wardrobe and offered to let her share my bed with me as it was large enough for two of us. We all helped one another to get changed out of our finery.

‘Thanks Becky, it was a super meal and I’ve had a good time. I am really glad to have you as my sister,’ said Carol and left us as she had to go in to work at her normal time on Friday

~o~O~o~

I wasn’t due to work until the evening and Lucy had no lectures until the afternoon, so we woke at about 9.00am and lay in bed for an hour or more comparing notes about the events of the previous evening.

‘I’m afraid you’ve now passed the point of no return as far as telling your mother is concerned, the post will soon be collected from the box and your letter will be on its way to her,‘ said Lucy.

‘I know, there’s nothing I can now do to stop it, even if I wanted to, but I am quite sure that I don’t want to change anything. I am so happy with the way things have turned out and am determined to go ahead with my plans.’

‘But you must be a little anxious about your mother’s reaction to the news.’

‘Of course I am, but she will have to know about Becky sometime, and so why put off the evil day? Above all, I was so pleased with the way that you and Carol reacted to my news last night. I now feel closer to you both as a result.’

‘And I feel closer to you as well Becky. In fact I much prefer having you as a girl cousin than a boy cousin.’

‘Why is that?’

‘You just seem more relaxed and comfortable in your skin as Becky than you used to do as Nick. I can understand now why that was the case; you were always trying to pretend you were something you were not.’

‘Yes you are right.’

You are also much prettier than Nick, and what is more, I now know where to come if ever I need to borrow a ball gown.’

Lucy smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I felt a warm glow of contentment passing through my body.

As we got up and began to get dressed Lucy looked around the bedroom.

‘Since you are now planning to spend your life as a girl, I feel that it is time you started to pay attention to some of the other aspects of being female. I think you should do something about your living environment to make it reflect your new girly personality a little more. Carol’s spare room is a little bit Spartan in its furnishings and appearance, I think you should try and brighten it up a bit. It shouldn’t really cost much money.’

‘Alright, now that I’ll no longer have to worry about buying some more clothes, I should be able to do so. Maybe you and my sister might be able to offer me some advice.’

‘Yes of course. Why don’t we have a quick look around a store selling furnishings to give you some ideas?’

‘That’s fine by me.’

~o~O~o~

I don’t think I have ever spent a happier two hours in my life than that Friday morning with Lucy looking around the shops at Willesden. We didn’t buy anything, but just looked around, examining products, making suggestions and generally chatting to one another. There was no worry or stress, just two girls spending some time with one another. All worries about my imminent meeting with my mother were for the time being dispelled. Lucy was accepting me as a girl, and that is all I’d ever wanted from anybody. But of course all good things have to come to an end. She had lectures to attend and was planning to spend the weekend with Andy, and I had to get ready for my work. My general feeling of well-being continued at work. I received several compliments on my new hair style and congratulations once it became known that my contract had been extended.’

I was also on good form with the patrons, which always resulted in more tips to share around. I was gradually getting used to dealing with guys, laughing at their jokes or massaging their egos. One man asked me out and for the first time I was almost tempted to accept. I’d been asked out nearly a dozen times over the last six weeks, but I’d made a point of turning them all down. Half of the offers came from married men or those with regular girlfriends. I got the impression they were all just looking for some exotic sex, and that was one area I didn’t want to get involved with. But this one guy, Roger, seemed different, as if he genuinely liked me. Of course I’d already turned him down once, along with all the others, but I’d tried to stay on friendly terms with him as I didn’t want to scare away a good customer.

‘I do like the colour of your nails, Becky,’ he said as I handed him his change on Friday evening.

‘Thank you, kind sir,’ I said doing a little mock curtsey. ‘I wore a dress this colour to dinner last night, and haven’t had the chance to change it yet.’

‘You should leave them as they are, the colour really suits you.’

I smiled and would have moved on to the next customer, but we’d hit a temporary quiet patch.

‘Did your boyfriend take you out to dinner?’ he asked, tentatively

‘No it was just a dinner party for my sister and my cousin, Lucy,’ I replied.

I could see that he was plucking up courage to ask me out a second time, and my heart went out to him.

‘I don’t suppose you would let me take you out to dinner sometime?’

I suppose I should have seen it coming and I really wanted to say yes, but I knew that one of the first questions that Mum would ask me was whether I had been seeing a man, and I wanted to be able to answer her truthfully.

‘Roger, thank you for asking, but this really isn’t a good time for me at present. Maybe, another time?’

I touched his hand gently and looked into his eyes as I said this, trying to convey the message, ‘not now but do please ask me again.’

‘Yes of course,’ he said looking totally crushed, and took his drink away to a table, blushing as he did so.

It struck me how much power women have over men, but I also knew that having been turned down twice he wouldn’t ask again, and that made me feel sorry.

~o~O~o~

Carol usually went out on Saturdays but on this occasion she’d decided to stay in. It occurred to me later that this was probably for my sake. I emerged from my room at about midday, and poured myself some tea.

‘Hi Carol, what time are you planning to ring mum?’

‘She has already called, in fact we’ve spoken twice. She rang me as soon as she received your letter.

‘How did it go then?’

Carol took a deep breath.

‘Well, as we realized, your letter has come as a shock to her. She was not at all happy to begin with and said she had no wish ever to meet you dressed as a girl, and certainly didn’t want you turning up at her house that way. She demanded to speak to you, but I told her that you had been working all night, were sleeping and I wasn’t prepared to wake you. I even went in to your room and turned off your mobile phone, as otherwise I’m sure she would have tried that. She was also very angry with me and with Lucy, and wants you to come back to East Anglia as Nick and forget that Becky ever existed. I told her that she would have to tell you that herself, but not until she’d had time to calm down and reflect on the news. Things seemed fairly disastrous at that point and so I left it for a couple of hours.’

‘And then what?’

I spoke to her a second time an hour ago after she’d had some more time to think. I believe I may have talked her round a little. She even admitted to me that you looked very nice in the photographs that we sent her, so clearly she hasn’t torn them up and thrown them away’.

‘So what was the final outcome?’ I asked.

‘She has reluctantly agreed to meet us both during the coming week. She will take a day off work and come up to see you in London.

‘With me as Becky?’

‘Oh yes; at first she tried to insist that she would only see you as Nick, but I told her that you were not going to be talked out of your new job and that she should therefore get used to the idea, if she didn’t want to lose contact with you altogether.’

‘Thanks, Carol.’

‘However, she’s adamant that she doesn’t want you to come to Brome dressed as Becky and feels that you should make some alternative arrangements for Christmas. She says that she would be too embarrassed if you came to her house and that someone in the village would be bound to catch sight of you.’

‘But I hardly know the neighbours.’

‘I know, and I told her that you made a totally convincing young woman, but I think she needs to see you for herself first. I therefore suggested that the two of you should meet in my flat when I’m at work’.

‘When?’

I explained that you usually had Wednesdays and Thursdays off, and so she will come up to London on Wednesday and should arrive at my flat about 2.00 pm. I normally see Geoff on Wednesday evenings but will arrange to be home from work by 4.00 pm if you like, so you will have two hours on your own to talk her round, before I come and back you up.’

‘Then what?’ I asked.

‘That rather depends upon the two of you. If she is still determined to be upset and go home on her own — so be it. At least she knows your secret now, and you will be able to get on with your life. But I hope you’ll be able to talk her round into accepting the situation, in which case we could all go out for a meal together on Wednesday evening.’

‘Thank you for all your trouble on my behalf Carol, you’ve been a great sister’ I said.

‘I won’t say it has been easy for me today, Becky, but I’ve done my best for you and hope you will be able to work things out.’

‘Thanks again. Do you think Lucy will get it in the neck as well?’

‘Probably not; at least not for the time being. I don’t think Mum is in the mood to want to discuss your situation with any of the relations at present.’

‘By the way, Carol, what do you think I should wear when I see her?’ I asked.

Carol laughed, ‘Oh Becky, you really are turning into a girl. You now have masses of clothes and yet you are still worrying about what to wear. I don’t really know what is the most appropriate attire for a son to tell his mother that he will be spending his future living as a woman,’ she said. ‘However I’m sure we can find something to make you look nice just the same. If possible, you should try to look smart and feminine, but don’t go over the top in terms of glamour. Also, try and tone down the make-up a little to begin with as well.’

‘Do you think I wear too much makeup?’ I asked a little anxiously.

‘No, not really, in fact I think you use makeup very well, but remember it’ll be a little bit of a shock to her the first time she sees you’

‘Alright then, I’ll do my best to look like a demure young lady,’ I said laughing.

‘But decorous as well.’

‘Of course.’

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 16 Persuading Mum that she has another daughter
 

I left my mobile turned off throughout the weekend in case Mum should change her mind and decide to ring me; instead I used the landline for outgoing calls and let Carol answer any incoming ones. I rang the club to cancel the arrangement I’d made for me to swap shifts on Sunday, and then telephoned Lucy to bring her up to date with events at home.

‘So what has been your Mother’s reaction?’

‘I haven’t spoken to her yet, but Carol has, and says she was not very impressed by the news. However, she has at least agreed to come up to London and meet me to talk about it on Wednesday afternoon.’

‘Will she be seeing you as Becky or Nick?’

‘Becky; of course,’ I replied decisively. ‘She tried to insist on seeing me as Nick, but Carol told her that she must face me as Becky, but I’m not exactly looking forward to it.’

‘Would you like me to be there with you when she comes?’

‘No Lucy, that’s very kind of you, but you have lectures to go to and your presence might even make things worse. I’ll have to face her by myself, but I wouldn’t mind seeing you for a coffee on Wednesday morning, if you can be free between lectures, just to boost my confidence and check that I look alright.’

‘Would you be able to come in to Central London at about 11.00 am?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘In that case I could meet you at the Students’ Union.’

I was quite pleased to be working for the next four evenings as it saved me from worrying too much about my forthcoming interview with my mother. During this time I asked Susie, my colleague who was in process of transitioning, whether we might have a chat together as I wanted to learn more about the implications of taking hormones and of undergoing a full transition and acquiring official recognition in my new gender.

'I was wondering how long it would take you to decide,' she replied.

'Is it that obvious?' I asked.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.'

'I would like to begin the process as soon as I have spoken to my Mum on Wednesday.

'In that case why don't we meet up for an hour before work next Friday.'

However as Wednesday approached I began to find myself laying awake in bed, thinking what I was going to say to Mum when we met and trying to anticipate and answer all the objections she might have to my current life-style. In fact I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours after I came home on Wednesday morning before my alarm woke me to get up and go and see Lucy, by this time Carol had left for work. I was too nervous to face eating any breakfast, but thought I might just manage to keep down a cup of tea. I went in to the kitchen and found that Carol had left a pink envelope addressed to me. I opened it to find a good luck card endorsed:

Becky — I think you should live as you want to, and do whatever feels right for you. Whatever Mum might say, I want you to know that I've been happy and proud to have you living with me as a sister, love from Carol xxx.

Several tears ran down my cheek and I was glad that I had found the card before I put on any eye makeup.

I’d planned what to wear the night before: a dark blue tailored suit with medium length skirt together with matching shoes and a light blue blouse. I also now possessed a nice pair of lapis lazuli earrings and a matching pendant which would go well together. I’d also changed my nail varnish to a more conservative looking dark red. I knew that if Carol or Lucy were to be wearing this outfit Mum would consider it to be ‘smart’. These days I was usually quite skilled at putting on my makeup in the morning but on this occasion I was feeling so nervous that I barely managed to do my lips put a little mascara on to my eyelashes and brush my hair into a respectable style before I had to leave.

‘Becky, you do look nice in that outfit, quite the young businesswoman,’ said Lucy when I met her. ‘You put me to shame these days.’

‘You are appropriately dressed as a student, my outfit is intended to please my mother.’

‘I hope it will do so. How are you feeling?’

‘Awful, I was so nervous that I was unable to put on my eye makeup this morning, my hand kept shaking.’

‘So I see. I have forty minutes before my next lecture, shall we go to the ladies and I’ll fix them for you?’

‘Yes please, if you would, but Carol has suggested that I tone things down just a bit today.’

Chatting to Lucy, whilst she fixed my makeup for me, together with her final reassurance that I looked fine was just what I needed to boost my confidence and help me pass the time before Mum’s arrival, which would otherwise have been spent at home worrying. I eventually arrived back at Carol’s flat half an hour before the appointed meeting with my mother, knowing that she sometimes arrived earlier than arranged. I would need the time to calm and compose myself before seeing her. I went to the kitchen and prepared some tea cups and a plate of biscuits which I’d brought with me. I heated the kettle, before sitting down to wait for her whilst going through in my mind how I was going to deal with the inevitable accusations and answer all her questions.

The intercom buzzed suddenly. I picked up the receiver.

‘Hello?’

‘Is that you Nicholas?’

I was tempted to say no, that it was Becky, but I didn’t want to get into a row straightaway with Mum if I could avoid it so I deliberately didn’t answer her question.

‘Do you know your way up to the flat, Mum?’ I replied in as calm a voice as I could manage.

‘Yes of course I do,’ she responded brusquely.

‘Come in then, I’ll put the kettle on,’ I said.

I pressed the button to let her in the front door of the block and propped open the front door of Carol’s flat whilst I went in to the kitchen to make the tea, knowing that this was what she always did at the arrival of any visitor. Two minutes later I heard her footsteps in the corridor followed by a knock at the open door.

‘Come in Mum,’ I called from the kitchen. ‘Sit down. I’ll be with you in a few seconds.’

I emerged carrying a tray containing the tea, and heard my mother draw in breath in surprise.

‘Hello Mum, it’s nice to see you,’ I said quietly, trying my best to look calm and sound nonchalant.

I didn’t risk kissing her on the cheek, as I normally would have done, but rather busied myself putting the tea tray down on a table, setting out the cups and pouring out two cups of tea, all the time frightened that my hands would start shaking.

She didn’t say anything until I handed her a cup and smiled.

‘Was your journey alright?’ I enquired.

She ignored my question.

‘Did you have to go to so much trouble to look like a girl?’ she asked sharply.

I blushed, but quickly regained my composure.

‘Yes, I did. It was important to me to look my best when we met for the first time,’ I said trying to sound sure of myself. ‘I wanted to demonstrate to you that I could look nice dressed as Becky and not just like a man in drag.’

She relented a little, seeing how nervous I was.

‘Those photos you sent had already shown me that,’ she said.

‘Yes but photos can easily be faked, I wanted to prove to you that I could successfully pass for a woman in broad daylight’

‘So I see,’ she said coolly. ‘Well there is no doubt of that, but what have you done to your voice?’

‘Nothing very much! You know I’ve always had a high pitched voice. I’ve been doing one or two exercises that they showed me at work to make myself sound a little more like a woman. At first I had to make a conscious effort to do so, but now it seems to come naturally to me’.

This reply didn’t seem to please her.

‘But why do you need to dress as a woman in the first place?’

I shrugged.

‘I tried to explain that to you in my letter. I suppose I might have pretended that it all began with my new job, but actually I’ve always felt this way for as long as I can remember. I just feel happier and more relaxed when I’m dressed liked this.’

‘You don’t seem particularly relaxed at the moment.’

‘No, but that’s only because you are on edge rather than me. If Carol or Lucy were here now instead of you then I’d be far more confident and relaxed.’

She took the hint and eased up a little.

‘Alright then, but please explain to me in what ways are you happier?’

I sighed.

‘I have more confidence in myself; I have more friends, a better job, and have earned more money over these last few weeks that I’ve been living as Becky than I ever did or ever was likely to do as Nick. When I wake up as Becky I feel happier and more ready to face the world. I enjoy choosing what clothes to put on and experimenting with my looks and makeup. I enjoy looking after my hair and the way it feels when I move. I also feel good when I receive admiring glances in the street, or small compliments from strangers. Nothing like that ever happened to me as Nick. I suppose you could sum it all up by saying that I enjoy being a girl.’

Once again, my answer didn’t appear to please her, but it was too late for me ever to back down.

‘But, Nicholas, you are not a girl, you are a young man. Where will it lead to if you start dressing and acting as a woman all the time?’ she asked.

Her continued reference to me as Nicholas annoyed me and made me even more determined. I shrugged my shoulders.

‘I’ve no idea at present. I’m just finding my way and following up any opportunities that are offered.’

‘What sort of opportunities?’

This conversation was going nowhere, it was time for me to get a grip.

‘For heaven’s sake Mum, let us have this cup of tea together in a civilized manner and then I’ll tell you everything and answer all your questions,’ I said.

She sighed, but appeared to be partially reconciled, at least to hearing me out.

Over the next hour and a half I carefully went through the entire story once again, repeating several of the things that I’d put in my letter, but this time I was able to answer all her questions as they occurred to her and offer her re-assurance that I had not gone mad and was not ruining my life. Her initial aggressive tone gradually softened and I realised that she was no longer as hostile and unsympathetic as she had been at first; she just wanted to know more detail about my new life. I didn’t disguise from her that I was enjoying the work, or that I enjoyed spending time as Becky at home, especially now that I’d plenty of clothes to wear. But this was only part of the story. I'd gained a level of self-confidence and self-respect that I'd not known before. I even invited her to come into my bedroom and showed her the extent of my new wardrobe. After a while the conversation seemed to be going a little better, so I decided to tell her about the extension of my contract and the offer of a place in the cabaret chorus in the spring.

We didn’t get into a discussion of my sexuality and so I saw no need to refer to it. I assumed she would have already discussed that issue with Carol and been re-assured that I was not having a relationship with a man.

‘But is it really necessary for you to live as a girl, full-time?’

‘No, strictly speaking it isn’t necessary, there are those among my colleagues who live as men and only change for work, but I am not one of them. I’m not doing this just to earn money or attract men; I’m spending my time as Becky because I feel that is who I really am.’

‘But why has this happened to you? Was it because you were raised by a single parent?’

I smiled, knowing that this would be one of her worries.

‘I really don’t think so; I felt the way I do before Dad left home.’

‘So what did we do wrong to make you like this?

‘You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you could have done to change my nature,’ I said, and then gently added, ‘just as there is nothing you can do now.’

She sighed and became thoughtful.

‘I always half suspected there might be something like this. I remember thinking so once when you were a little boy, and you were watching Carol getting ready to go to a school dance,’ she said sadly.

‘I remember that occasion.’ I said quietly. ‘Mum, why didn’t you say something to me then? I would have told you how I felt.’

‘I suppose I was waiting for you to say something about it to me, but you never did so and I assumed that it was just a passing phase.’

I felt quite indignant that both my mother and my sister had noticed and yet neither of them had said anything.

‘I’ve wasted fifteen years of my life, living a lie. I don’t intend to do so any longer,’ I replied angrily.

Mum looked really hurt when I said that, and I felt sorry for her so I took her hand. She looked down at my manicured and polished finger nails, took a deep breath and then gave her considered opinion.

‘Well Nicholas, it is your life, I cannot tell you how to live it; I suppose you must do whatever brings you happiness.’

‘I know that Mum, but I hope I will also have your approval and support for what I’ve chosen to do.’

‘Of course, I will support and be proud you,’ she said, ‘as long as you are always honest with me. You are my so…, my child after all.’

I gave her a hug and kissed her cheek.

‘Thanks Mum, I was hoping you’d say something like that’.

She now looked a little more pleased.

‘Now that we’ve got that sorted, I suppose that I’d better tell you that you look lovely dressed as you are,’ she said.

‘Thank you, Mum, but there is just one other thing, please would you stop calling me Nicholas and start referring to me as Becky from now onwards.’

‘Alright then Becky, I think I can agree to that, but when will I be seeing my son Nicholas again? I love him just as much.’

I hesitated, wondering whether to avoid facing her with the truth, but I had just promised always to be honest with her.

‘I don’t know Mum. Nicholas and his past are locked in that trunk over there and I no longer have a key. The way I feel at the moment is that you won’t be seeing him again.’

She sighed.

‘In that case I’d better get used to having a second daughter.’

There was a tear in her eye, so I stood up and took her in my arms to give her a hug.

‘Mum, I do so hope you can be proud of me as your daughter.’

‘Of course I will.’

I could identify with her sadness — to be told by your child that her life to that point had been wasted cannot have been easy. I decided that I should try and lighten the conversation a little.

‘One thing, since I’ve been living as Becky it has brought me much closer to Carol who says she likes having a younger sister.’

I showed her Carol’s greetings card. Mum gave a sad smile as she read it.

‘In that case you had better both come down and stay with me over the Christmas holiday.’

‘I thought that you were worried about what the neighbours might think’ I said.

‘I wanted to see you and talk to you before I made up my mind, but as far as I’m concerned you may wear whatever you wish when you come to stay at my house. The neighbours can think whatever they like.’

‘Will you be telling Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek?’

(Aunt Jill was Mum’s younger sister and Lucy’s mother. She lived with Uncle Derek and their sixteen year old son in the neighbouring village of Oakley.)

‘Since their daughter already knows and appears to have played a significant role in your becoming a young woman, it would seem pointless trying to keep the information from them.’

I smiled.

‘I think you’re right; as far as I’m concerned the more people that now know about Becky the better.’

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 17 Planning my transition
 

Carol arrived home from work early, soon after 4.30pm, as she’d promised. She looked a little apprehensive as she entered the flat but found both Mum and I talking together in my bedroom in a civilized manner without tears or histrionics.

‘Well that’s a relief! I’m glad to see you are both getting on so well,’ she said. ‘Have you sorted out everything that you need to know now mum?’

Mum sighed.

‘I still don’t entirely understand, but I suppose we’re both alright now that I’ve had a chance to talk to your …’, she hesitated just for a second before continuing, ‘sister.’

I smiled in acknowledgment; Mum continued talking

‘Becky has shown me the card that you left for her, it was a nice thought, even though you both seem to have considered me to be an ogre,’ she continued.

Carol blushed, but I could see she was pleased that I’d shown the card to our mother.

‘It wasn’t that, Mum, we were just anxious that you would be disappointed with my decision.’

She didn’t answer, and it was clear that she was not yet completely reconciled to the change, although at least willing to make some effort to come to terms with the situation.

‘In fact we’ve just decided that we’re all going to spend Christmas together at Brome,’ I added, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

‘That’s a relief,’ Carol said. ‘I wouldn’t have known where to go for Christmas if you two had both insisted on spending it apart from one another. By the way, can you stay the night, tonight Mum?’

‘No, I’m booked to return on the 19.30 train from Liverpool Street, as I have to go into work tomorrow but I’m glad that I made the journey down.’

‘I’m glad you did as well, Mum, thank you for coming,’ I added.

‘If you can’t stay, why don’t we all go to Liverpool Street together now; we should have time for an early dinner in a restaurant before you leave.’

‘Alright then, it will be nice to have a meal with my two daughters.’

Carol looked across at me and smiled. I think we were both feeling relieved.

~o~O~o~

Over dinner Mum at last began to relax a little more in my company and both Carol and I responded accordingly. Mum now knew all there was to know about me and my new job, but it struck me that she did not seem to know much about Carol’s life in London so I steered the conversation in this direction. My sister was reasonably forthcoming but I noticed that she avoided any reference to her friend Geoff, and I certainly wasn’t going to betray her confidence. We in turn asked Mum about how things were in East Anglia and about various people that we knew in the village. We even got on to the subject of discussing clothes and Mum wanted to know where the beautiful dresses had come from which we’d all been wearing in the picture. I’d already told her all about how I’d come to purchase my new wardrobe, but now related the sequel to the story: about the mysterious ‘Pandora’s trunk’ which had been given to me as an afterthought. I did not, however, mention that it had been the opening of that trunk that had finally convinced me what I needed to do.

It occurred to me afterwards how different the conversation would have been, how much less warm and friendly, if it had been Nick rather than Becky who was present. At one point we discussed various members of our family, and Mum wanted to know whether Carol had spoken to our Dad recently, knowing that they still kept in touch with one another.

‘Yes, I talk to him from time to time. Last time I spoke I told him that Nick was staying with me and he expressed a wish to make contact again.’

‘I’m afraid that will no longer be possible,’ I said. ‘The last remains of Nick are now locked away in that trunk in my bedroom.’

‘You could always introduce yourself to him as Becky, I could prepare the way for you,’ she suggested to me.

I avoided responding to her suggestion, other than a curt ‘maybe’ as I wasn’t sure what I felt about that idea. Instead I sought to change the subject.

‘Will Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek and their family be coming on Christmas day Mum?’

‘Yes, I imagine so, it is my turn to have them over this year.’

‘In that case I’d better ask Lucy to explain the situation regarding myself to them, so they will have plenty of time to get used to the idea,’ I said.

‘Yes, I suppose so,’ she answered, now resigned to the seemingly inevitable fact that the news of my transition could not be limited to our immediate family.

After dinner, Carol and I saw Mum on to the train.

‘Thanks for coming today, Mum, I’ll see you in a few weeks,’ I said, this time not being afraid to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll ring you as usual on Sunday afternoon, and from now on I promise to be open with you about what I am doing.’

‘Goodbye then …’ there was just the merest hesitation before she completed her sentence — ‘Becky.’

I smiled and looked away, struggling to prevent tears coming to my eyes.

‘Look after your sister for me,’ said Mum to Carol.

‘Don’t worry, I will,’ said Carol, smiling.

‘I will too,’ I added to Mum.

We waited until her train had left the station before making our way to the Underground.

‘I don’t think you could have expected that to have gone much better,’ commented Carol.

‘I suppose not,’ I replied, ‘but she still isn’t entirely reconciled.’

‘Just give her a little time to get used to the idea. By the way Becky, whilst you were in the ladies, Mum asked me if I knew whether you had a boyfriend or not,’ said Carol.

I sighed.

‘I’d assumed that would be the first question she asked you. I trust you re-assured her that I didn’t,’ I replied.

‘Yes and no,’ she answered. ‘I said that as far as I knew there was nobody on the horizon, but it would probably just be a matter of time before someone asked you out, given the way that you looked these days’.

‘What was her reaction to that?’ I asked, blushing slightly.

‘She just sighed and said, ‘oh well, what will be, will be’,’ said Carol.

‘Those are my feelings too,’ I said.

‘By the way, what happened to that guy who asked you out at the club a few days ago?’

‘I haven’t seen him since; I think he may have been embarrassed that I turned him down for a second time,’ I said.

‘So why did you turn him down?’

‘I’m not sure. I must admit that I was tempted but I’m still unsure of myself and how I would react if I went on a date with someone.’

Carol smiled.

‘I suppose that’s one of the advantages about being a woman, you’re not expected to take the initiative in these matters. You just have to wait and see what happens and then decide whether or not you want to take it any further,’ she answered.

‘I don’t think he is likely to ask me again, I said.

‘You never know’, she added. ‘If you do see him you will need to make a particular effort to notice and be nice to him and try and find a way of indicating that your situation is different now’.

‘We’ll see.’

‘At least you won’t be able to hide behind the excuse that you have nothing to wear anymore; you now have a more extensive female wardrobe than I do.’

It was now my turn to smile.

‘I guess so.’

I tried to think about a way to change the subject from men and going out on dates.

‘You said that you have spoken to Dad recently, how is he these days?’

‘He’s fine, he has remarried and now has two grown-up step children with children of their own, so he is a step-grandfather.’

‘I’m glad, for his sake. After all, he is not likely to be getting too many grandchildren from the two of us.’

‘No, I suppose not,’ said Carol, rather sadly.

For the first time I realised that this might be a source of regret for my sister, whom I’d always assumed had everything she wanted out of life. There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again.

‘You might consider the possibility of contacting him again; I’m sure he would welcome it.’

‘Even as Becky?’ I asked, somewhat surprised.

Carol thought for a moment before replying.

‘Yes, even as Becky’

‘I’ll think about it,’ I replied, unsure what to think.

~o~O~o~

As soon as I got home I rang Lucy to give her a long and detailed account of everything that had happened during my interview with Mum. I also gave her my permission to break the news of my transition and new life to her parents and her brother.

‘Once they know, it won’t be long before the news gets round the rest of the family and also maybe to others in the area. Are you sure you want it generally known?’

‘Yes, I realise that it isn’t likely to remain secret for long, but as I said to you, there will be no going back for me now.’

‘As you wish.’

Carol had been watching television in the same room whilst I spoke to Lucy.

‘If Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek are going to know, don’t you think that Dad should be told as well, before he hears from another source,’ she said as I put the phone down.

‘Alright, the next time that you speak to him you might just tell him that he now has a second daughter, and see how he reacts.’ I said. ‘If he doesn’t like it; then so be it.’

‘I’ll let you know how he takes the news,’ said Carol.

~o~O~o~

It was over a week since I’d first opened, and then resealed Pandora’s trunk, which now had pride of place in the bay window of my bedroom. During this time it had taken on the role of a talisman for me: something to give me confidence and to protect me from harm. I knew that as long as it remained in my possession and sealed I would be able to stand up to any opposition to my quest to become the woman I needed to be. It also gave me the inspiration to make relatively small changes to my living environment to reflect who I now was. Carol’s chosen décor for her flat could hardly be described as masculine, but it was somewhat Spartan and lacking a woman’s touch — perhaps a reflection of her focus on her work rather than her home. My recent window shopping expedition with Lucy, inspired me to go out spend some of my earnings on soft furnishings, bedding and new curtains to make my bedroom a little more feminine and comfortable - to reflect my new personality. When Carol saw what I’d done she expressed her approval and invited me to come up with some suggestions to improve the other rooms in the flat, at her expense, over the next few weeks. I promised to do so and to enlist Lucy’s help as soon as she had some free time.

~o~O~o~

My colleague Susie and I met up, as planned, in a coffee bar for an hour before we both started work on the Friday afternoon after Mum’s visit. She was three or four years older than me and pretty convincing as a woman, except for a slightly angular chin and the merest trace of an Adam’s Apple. Her breasts, however, were a work of art, entirely her own and the result of having taken female hormones for nearly three years. She liked to wear low cut tops to show them off. Strictly speaking, she was still physically a man, although on the waiting list for her SRS and simultaneously saving every penny she could raise to fund some facial feminization plastic surgery to remove those lingering traces of her former life. She was the most reserved among the female impersonators that worked at the club, but I’d always admired her because she seemed more of a true woman than others.

‘So, Becky, what can I do for you?’ she asked as we took our coffee to a table.

‘I want to become a real woman, like you, and not just be a drag queen.’

My response didn’t seem to surprise her.

‘Are you quite sure about that?’

She was looking straight into my eyes.

‘Yes, I’m absolutely sure. I’ve known this all my life, although I’ve only recently had the courage to admit it to myself.’

‘I suspected so. Although you have not been with us for long, it struck me from the outset that you were different from the others; that being a woman seemed to go to the heart of your being.’

I felt pleased that she’d noticed.

‘I’d thought the same about you,’ I replied.

She smiled, and I knew that from now onwards there would be a bond of friendship between us.

’So what steps have you taken so far, other than having secured a job in the club?’

‘I’ve told my family, acquired a female wardrobe and disposed of all the evidence of my former life. I won’t ever be going back.

‘Have you spoken to a doctor yet?’

‘No, that is going to be my next step.’

‘Alright, but don’t leave it for too long. You’re quite fortunate that the testosterone in your body has not yet done any damage to your appearance, as it was doing to me before I started taking blockers. However, it will do so unless you take some action to stop it.’

‘I was hoping that you might be able to put me in touch with a sympathetic doctor.’

‘I can certainly do that, but I should warn you there may be a delay if you are going as a National Health patient. You might consider taking testosterone blockers whilst you are waiting for an appointment. They won’t do you any harm or start any irreversible changes if you only take them for a few weeks. I’ve been taking them for several years now, and I’m no longer capable of having an erection or fathering children, but as far as I’m concerned that is a good thing and the sooner I get rid of it altogether the better.’

‘Where would I get these testosterone blockers from?’

She took a couple of foil sheets out of her bag and handed them to me.

‘You can take these over the next fortnight to get you started. I have built up a surplus over the years. I can also tell you how to get hold of some more without any questions being asked.’

I took them from her and popped one pill into my mouth to show I was serious.

‘What about female hormones?’

‘You can obtain oestrogen on the black market but you would be best advised to take it under medical supervision. It is difficult to get the dose exactly right; there would be unnecessary delays if you take too little and unpleasant side effects if you took too much. Also you will get quicker results if you begin the regime with hormone injections.’

‘Will your doctor prescribe them to me.’

‘I would imagine so, but only after you have been assessed by a clinical psychologist. You’ll first need to go to your G.P. and ask for a referral. However, from what I’ve seen of you over the last few weeks, I don’t think you will have too many difficulties in convincing a therapist that you are suffering from Gender Identity Disorder. Then it will be just a question of waiting your turn, unless of course you can afford to go as a private patient.’

‘No, I’m afraid that would be out of the question for me.’

‘In that case, Becky my dear, you’ll probably have to remain living and working as you are for a while, but you do make a very convincing young woman.’

‘Thanks, but now that I have taken the decision I am anxious to proceed as quickly as I can.’

Susie sighed, ‘I know, I felt just the same myself’.

She then changed the subject.

‘How have your family reacted to the news?’

‘I think my sister has come to terms with the situation, but it all came as quite a shock to my mother. I now wish that I’d spelled out to her how I felt as soon as I was able to do so.’

‘What about your father?’

‘I’m not sure whether he knows about me or not, but I haven’t seen him in several years.’

‘I told both my parents and my brothers that I wanted to be, or should have been born a girl many times during the course of my childhood, but nobody would ever believe me. I was told not to be silly and that I would soon grow out of it. But of course I never did. The feelings just got stronger as time went on,’ said Suzie rather sadly.

‘That must have been frustrating for you. How do they feel about you now?’

‘I suspect that my parents are still in denial about me, even though I now have these boobs. They’ve reluctantly accepted me and call me Susie but hang on to the vain believe that one day I’ll come to my senses. I suspect that they will do so until I turn up one day without a penis. I hope that then, at least, they will realise that I always knew what was right for me.’

‘It is difficult when those whom we love are unable to understand how we feel,’ I said, gently touching her hand to show my sympathy.

This was a small gesture that Nick would never have made, but seemed quite natural to me now.

We then moved on to discussing the official side of Susie’s transition. How she had gone about changing the gender on various documents, and how in due course she would register her change of gender. It was then time for us to start work.

‘Thanks so much, Susie, this talk has really been helpful to me.’

‘Anything to help a sister on her journey towards womanhood,’ she replied.

We embraced; not in the exaggerated and affected manner that our colleagues sometimes adopted, with air kisses, but rather in a genuine display of mutual solidarity.

‘I hope you are soon able to complete your own journey,’ I said

‘Me too; it will have been a long one, but well worth it. I hope to see you at the other end.’

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 18 The week before Christmas
 

During the last week of November and the first three weeks of December I used every opportunity when I was not working to make plans and preparations for my future life. I continued my researches on the internet and also registered with a local GP surgery under Nick’s name. I then telephoned to make an appointment to see a female doctor. I was inevitably a little anxious about what I would say to the receptionist when Becky turned up for Nick’s appointment, but they had a new automated system which enabled me to record my arrival in the waiting room using a terminal. It wasn’t until I saw the doctor and explained that I believed I was suffering from Gender Identity Disorder and asked to be referred to an appropriate therapist that I needed to explain anything. I was clearly not the first such patient that she had encountered, as she was entirely business-like and respectful in her dealings with me. She asked me a few questions about my background and my current working life, and whether I had discussed the matter with my parents, but it must have been plain to her that I was serious by the way I was dressed. She agreed to make the necessary referral and also made a note on my medical record that henceforth I would be using my chosen female name and that in future I would be referred to in my new gender by the practice staff. A few days later I received a letter, addressed to Becky, offering me an appointment early in January.

In the meanwhile, whilst waiting for my appointment, I continued taking the testosterone blockers and soon obtained a new three-month supply from the address given me by Susie. As a result of taking them I found it far easier to tuck my penis out of sight and I was no longer worried that I might accidentally become aroused at work.

I assumed that Carol had told Dad by this time, but she didn’t say anything about it on those few occasions we spent some time together and I chose not to ask. Presumably he had not reacted too well when he heard the news. I continued to speak to Mum every Sunday afternoon and answered all her questions as honestly and openly as I could but there were certain areas where we did not venture, such as my taking testosterone blockers. However, I did not try to hide from her the fact that I had seen my GP and would be seeking hormone therapy.

~o~O~o~

Christmas Day 2009 was due to fall on a Friday and the club would also be closed on Boxing Day. I would therefore have from the Wednesday morning until the Sunday evening off work. Carol also decided to have a break from her work and we agreed with Mum that we would travel up to stay with her in a hire car on the Wednesday evening and return to London on the Sunday morning. This would give us three full days in Brome.

‘I’ll collect the car whilst you are sleeping on Wednesday morning, Becky, and I’d like you to be ready to leave after lunch,’ suggested Carol.

‘But the drive will only take two and a half hours, won’t we arrive far too early if Mum’s going to be working?’

‘There may be heavy traffic, and in any event I have a couple of presents to deliver in the area first.’

I didn’t argue since Carol would be the driver and was also paying for the hire car.

‘Alright I’ll have everything packed and ready the day before.’

‘Have you decided what clothes you will be taking?’

‘Not yet. But at least I have plenty to choose from these days.’

‘Yes you certainly do, I get quite envious of your wardrobe sometimes.’

‘By the way, I’ve decided to give that blue strapless evening dress and the accessories to Lucy as a Christmas present, since she looked so lovely when she wore it a couple of weeks ago.’

‘I’m sure she will be very pleased with it.’

‘And you too, Carol, I can’t really afford to buy you anything expensive, but would you like the long black dress that you wore that night?’

‘That is very generous of you, Becky; you have already given me an expensive leather coat.’

‘I want to say a particular ‘thank you’ to both of you for everything that you’ve done for me over the last three and a half months. It will still leave me with two lovely long evening dresses, although I’ll need to grow some more convincing boobs before I can safely wear the lime green dress.'

‘In that case will you be taking your lilac dress with you to Brome?’

‘I hadn’t planned to so as I don’t think there will be a suitable occasion for me to wear it.’

‘I think you should take it along, just in case, together with the matching shoes and jewelry, you never know but there may be an opportunity.’

My last three nights at work were good fun as everybody seemed to be in a party mood. I even caught sight of Roger whom I hadn’t seen since I’d turned down his offer to take me to dinner. He was with a group of his friends, but I managed to sidle over to have a brief word.

‘Hello stranger, I’ve not seen you for a week or two,’ I said giving him the nicest smile I could manage.

He blushed slightly, but didn’t appear to mind my approaching him.

‘I know, I’ve been busy,’ he replied.

‘Are you doing anything exciting over Christmas?’ I asked in an effort to make conversation.

‘I’ll be spending it with my parents in Leicester. How about you, Becky?’

‘I’ll be in East Anglia. I’m not exactly looking forward as it will be my first Christmas at home as Becky, and I’ll have to face various relatives and neighbours. However, once it is over, maybe I can begin to sort out my life.’

I said the last sentence whilst looking straight into his eyes, hoping he might take the hint, in due course.

‘Well … Merry Christmas, then.’

‘And to you,’ I replied, and was about to leave, but one of his friends came up with a sprig of mistletoe, which he held significantly over our heads.

I suppose I could have slipped away as I usually would do in such circumstances, but on this occasion waited to see what would happen. After a moment’s hesitation Roger kissed me on the lips. However, he then became conscious of his friends looking on and so we soon separated.

‘See you after Christmas, Becky,’ he said quietly.

‘I hope so,’ I replied ‘but I really must now get back to work.’ With that I left, not knowing quite what to think about the incident.

~o~O~o~

I was packed and ready to leave by 12.30 the following day when Carol arrived with the hire car. After a brief sandwich lunch we’d loaded our suitcases and by 1.15 had joined the A1 road, heading northwards out of London. We chatted about our work and the fact that there seemed to be plenty of traffic on the road, although fortunately no significant hold ups. Thus by 3.00pm we’d reached the Bury St Edmunds by-pass, only thirty minutes’ drive from our destination. It seemed that we were going to be far too early as Mum wouldn’t be home until six. However, instead of taking the A143 towards Diss, we continued on the trunk road.

‘Where are we going, Carol?’ I asked.

‘Stowmarket; I need to deliver Dad’s Christmas present.’

I hadn’t thought to ask where Dad was now living since his second marriage.

‘Carol, I can’t go in to see him, dressed like this.’

‘I don’t see why not, you look fine to me.’

I was wearing a dark red georgette dress with matching high heeled shoes and handbag. As usual, my makeup and nail varnish had been carefully chosen to complement my outfit.

‘But I haven’t seen him in more than ten years. I won’t know what to say, and I’ve never met his new wife.’

‘I’ve already checked, Dad will be at home alone this afternoon, babysitting his two step-grandchildren whilst his wife and step daughter do some last minute Christmas shopping.’

‘But how is he going to react to seeing me dressed as a girl?’

‘Listen Becky, I have already spelled out to him that he forfeited any right he may once have had to tell you how to live your life on the day he walked out on you and Mum. This is his last chance. He either accepts the decisions that you have made about your life or else loses contact with you altogether.’

‘But I wasn’t expecting to meet him so soon. I haven’t brought him a gift or a Christmas card.’

‘Don’t worry, he won’t be expecting any gift from you. You’ll find a suitably worded Christmas card for you to sign in my handbag, together with a couple of small gifts for his grandchildren.’

The Christmas card proved to be one intended for a daughter to give to her father, and the gifts for a little girl and her baby brother were already wrapped, with a label for me to fill in my name. Clearly Carol had been planning the whole encounter for some time.

‘I really don’t know Carol, you have rather sprung this on me,’ I fretted.

‘Yes I have. Well you can sit out in the car if you wish to do so, but I assumed you’d have a little more courage than that.’

I would certainly have done if I’d had my talisman to hand, but it was not the sort of thing that could be carted around the countryside wherever I went. I remained silent as we turned off the main road and found ourselves in a 1970s housing development.

‘Well, Becky, what are you going to do?’

I took a deep breath: ‘Alright, do you have a pen to write the card and the labels with.’

‘You’ll find one in my handbag.’

We pulled up outside a neat semi-detached house and Carol led the way up the pathway. Dad had noticed our arrival and opened the front door before we had a chance to ring the doorbell.

‘Hi Dad, Merry Christmas!’ said Carol giving him a hug and a kiss.

Before he had any chance to respond, she added, ‘and this is Becky, your younger daughter.’

‘Hello Dad,’ I said quietly, whilst simultaneously blushing to the roots of my hair.

‘Hello …. Becky, you’ve certainly changed a lot since we last met,’ he said, taking my hand.

‘I guess so, but as far as I’m concerned the change has been for the better. I am far happier now than before.’

‘So I understand, from your sister.’

It was an awkward encounter. There was so much that we both might have said, so many questions we both might have asked, but somehow it didn’t seem to be the right time to ask them. But at least the ice had now been broken; we’d now met and spoken to one another without tears or recriminations. He invited us to go in and take a seat. Neither Dad nor I seemed to know what to say next. Carol came to the rescue. She had kept in touch with Dad both throughout her University career and afterwards and so proceeded to ask questions about his life and new family. After a little while of listening Dad left to put the kettle on and Carol offered to help. I used their absence as an opportunity to introduce myself and chat to his four year old step granddaughter, Ellie. I asked her to tell me the names of her dolls, and was happy to join with her game and take a part in her doll’s tea party. It was nice to be invited to enter in to her world as playing with dolls was something I’d never been able to experience as a child.

By the time they returned from the kitchen with the tea, I had Ellie on my lap reading her a story. It was at this point that her baby brother, who had been happily sleeping in a pram decided to wake up and exercise his lungs at full volume.

Both Dad and Carol looked on horrified.

‘He can’t be hungry as his mother fed him two hours ago before she left for her shopping trip,’ Dad said anxiously.

‘In that case there must be some other reason,’ I said lifting Ellie off my lap and picking up her brother.

The smell emanating from the baby’s lower regions indicated what the trouble was.

‘Do you know where your Mummy keeps Tom’s changing bag?’ I asked Ellie.

She went to the next room and returned with a bag containing everything I might need, and a changing mat.

‘Would you like to help me to change Tom?’ I asked her.

‘He smells bad,’ she replied.

‘I know but we are going to make him smell nice once again.’

‘Alright then,’ she said and handed me the various items necessary to dispose of his soiled nappy, clean him up, and replace it with a new one.

As soon as we had done so Tom ceased crying, and after a couple of minutes of cooing and gently tickling him we had him happily chuckling. After a further five minutes in my arms he was fast asleep once again so I gently laid him in his pram and returned to finish the story that I was reading Ellie. It was then that I noticed both Carol and Dad had been staring at me in amazement.

Dad’s new wife and her daughter returned from their shopping trip half an hour later to find that Ellie had become quite attached to her newly discovered aunt. I don’t know whether or not Dad had said anything to them about my background, but they both treated me without a trace of awkwardness. Tom’s mother thanked me for changing him, and Dad’s new wife invited us all to stay for tea. We turned down the invitation explaining that we were expected at Brome, but promised to call in next time we were in the area. We handed over the cards and presents and wished everybody a Merry Christmas. As we were leaving Dad had a quiet word with me.

‘Becky, I understand from your sister that you have Wednesday afternoons off work. I have to make deliveries to North London on Wednesdays and am usually finished by about 3.00pm. Maybe we could meet up sometime after Christmas and have a chat together.’

‘Alright, I’d like that,’ I replied, knowing that although it would take some time, with good will on both sides we should be able to repair our relationship.

‘I didn’t have a lot of notice that you were coming today but this morning I went out and bought you a pair of earrings,’ he continued, handing me a small jewelry case. ‘I hope they will be ok.’

The case was not wrapped, and so I assumed that I could open it without waiting for Christmas day. Inside was a neat looking pair of silver drop earrings. It was not a design that I would have chosen for myself, but it was the thought that mattered.

‘Thank you, Dad, they’re lovely. Would it be alright if I put them in straightaway.’

He looked pleased with my suggestion and so I quickly took out the ones I was wearing and inserted the new ones in their place. I then gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before we both took our leave.

‘I’m glad you forced me into visiting this afternoon,’ I said to Carol as we drove away.

‘So am I,’ she replied.

~o~O~o~

During the half hour drive from Stowmarket to Brome Carol said something that quite astounded me. It was said half in jest, but like many such comments, perhaps contained an element of truth.

‘There are times when I feel quite inadequate, compared to you, Becky.’

This was my successful elder sister speaking, who was always elegantly dressed, held down a challenging and responsible job, had her own flat and a healthy bank balance. How could she be envious of me who had almost nothing and would never be a fully functioning physical woman no matter how much I felt that I was one in my soul?

‘Whatever do you mean?’ I asked in surprise.

‘The way you made your bedroom so much more comfortable, and whoever taught you to be so good with young children?’

‘It’s not a question of being taught so much as a combination of instinct and common sense,’ I replied.

‘I think I must be lacking in both,’ she replied wistfully.

I didn’t answer, but clearly the matter remained on her mind.

‘When we get to Mum’s house, you will be far more helpful to her than me. It is not that I’m lazy and don’t want to help, but rather that you can see what needs to be done and get on with it without being asked. I was never expected to do any housework when I was a girl, just told to get on with my homework.’

‘I think Mum may have been in awe of your intellectual abilities, whereas by the time I was growing up there were only the two of us and so she was happy to show me what needed to be done.’

‘I think that was one reason why I didn’t come back to stay very often once I had left for University, and it was ultimately why Dad left. You two seemed to be getting on so well together.’

There was a moment’s silence whilst I took in what she had just said.

‘Carol, why don’t we volunteer to prepare the Christmas dinner together and leave Mum to entertain the guests for once?’ I would much prefer to be occupied when the guests arrive.

‘I would like to but, as I said, I wouldn’t know where to start.’

‘Well, if you are prepared to act as the kitchen maid and follow my instructions, I’ll keep an eye on the cooking.’

‘Alright, that’s a deal.’

We arrived at Mum’s house in Brome almost simultaneously with her returning from work.

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 19 A family Christmas
 

As soon as we arrived at Brome on Wednesday evening we had a quick cup of tea with Mum, who had just returned from work. She then offered to start cooking us some dinner, but Carol suggested that she might drive over to Diss to buy a takeaway meal. Mum accepted the offer and during the forty-five minutes or so that my sister was gone she suggested to me that I should take my cases up to my former bedroom, offering to carry one for me. She seemed to welcome the opportunity for a chat.

‘You’ll find that I’ve made a few changes to your bedroom over the last four weeks, Becky: nothing too drastic, but just enough to make you feel a little more comfortable.’

It was clear that she’d removed Nick’s few remaining clothes from my wardrobes and also some of the more obviously ‘male’ features and furnishings from the room, replacing them with more feminine touches. Most of these were items that she already owned but had not used. Thus there was now a large illuminated mirror for me to put on my makeup, a grooming set with both hair and clothes brushes and also a manicure set on the dressing table. She’d gone to the trouble of changing the colour scheme of the bedding to a pastel green and included a vase of flowers to brighten up the room. She’d even thought to provide me with, a large box of tissues and another of cotton buds.

‘Thanks Mum, that was very thoughtful of you,’ I said giving her a kiss, and putting down my case.

I wondered, but didn’t like to ask, whether the former contents of the room had been disposed of altogether, or merely put in to storage somewhere.

‘I’ve been doing a lot of background reading over the last few weeks to try and learn more about transgenderism and understand what you’ve been going through, and indeed what will happen if you transition.’

‘Not if, Mum, I’ve already begun, at least in my mind.’

‘Alright then — as you transition,’ she continued. ‘I’ve also discussed the matter with your aunt and several of my friends. It has not been an easy time for me, and has involved me re-visiting some painful memories, but I can now see that your childhood must also have been difficult for you.’

‘I’ve always known that you loved me, Mum.’

‘I know that, but love on its own isn’t enough. I should have made more of an effort to understand and empathize with you.’

‘And I should have made more effort to enable you to do so but I was always so afraid of being honest with you.’

‘You were just a child and I was the adult: I should never have let you feel frightened to be honest with me,’ she said sorrowfully. ‘But I promise that in future I’ll do my best to accept you in your new chosen identity.’

‘That is all I’d ask of you Mum.’

We hugged one another and stayed silent for a while, each with our own memories of the past and thoughts about the future. At last I changed the subject, raising another issue that was on my mind.

‘How would you feel if Carol and I took over responsibility for the Christmas meal?’

‘But your Aunt and her family will be coming. I know that you can cook, but I’m not sure that I’d trust your sister in my kitchen.’

‘One thing that I’ve discovered recently, Mum, is that perhaps Carol would have preferred to have been treated less like a child prodigy and more like an ordinary little girl.’

‘That is what her father used to say, but I suppose I was too anxious for her to make the most out of her intellectual abilities and to have the educational opportunities that I never had.’

‘Carol has undoubtedly succeeded in doing that, but she may also have lost out on some of life’s ordinary pleasures along the way.’

‘Do you think so?’

I nodded.

‘So why not leave all the Christmas cooking to your two daughters. I’ll make sure that there are no disasters.’

She sighed and looked sad.

‘Alright then.’

I discovered one other thing later that evening when I had cause to collect something from Mum’s bedroom. She always used to keep framed photographs of her children on her dressing table, but had replaced them with a framed photograph of both Carol and myself wearing our posh dresses, which we’d sent to her in November.

~o~O~o~

On Christmas Eve Carol and I had a lot of fun together making and decorating a chocolate sponge ‘Yule Log’, and then icing and decorating the Christmas cake that Mum had already made. In fact Carol discovered that she had quite a flair for cake decoration and promised herself to do some more at home in the New Year. We then trimmed the Christmas tree together whilst Mum went out to do some last minute shopping. As I’d expected to be working in the kitchen for much of the day, I’d chosen to dress myself quite plainly and with a minimum of makeup and jewelry. In fact, for the first time in nearly three months I actually chose to wear a pair of jeans, albeit ones designed for a woman. Carol, on the other hand, had put on a denim skirt. I looked both clean and tidy but Mum seemed a little disappointed that I’d not bothered to change when she came back.

‘I trust you two will smarten yourself up when our visitors arrive tomorrow. I’ve been telling your Aunt Jill how nicely you both dress.’

‘You can’t expect us to wear dresses all the time, Mum,’ said Carol, coming to my defence.

‘Don’t worry, I may begin by wearing jeans tomorrow morning but I promise to put on a dress and some makeup before the guests arrive,’ I said, comparing her comments with what she’d said to me on the first occasion she saw me as Becky.

‘Good, but I was also wondering whether the three of us might go to the Carol Service at St Mary’s tonight.’

‘But Mum, you don’t usually go to church at Christmas,’ commented Carol.

‘I know, but I just thought that on this occasion it might be nice for the three of us to go out together.’

Carol was right, but it occurred to me that this might be Mum’s opportunity to ‘show off’ her new daughter to the village, as I was sure that by now most of her neighbours would have heard about my transition.

‘Alright, but I’m going to need an hour or so to sort out my hair and get myself ready,’ I said.

‘Off you go then, Becky, your sister and I can prepare the tea tonight. It will give me a chance to have a chat with her.’

The idea of my appearing in public dressed as a girl in front of so many people that had previously known me as Nick, had been the subject of both one of my regular daydreams and also of my nightmares as a little boy. I thought of this as I put on my dark red dress and shoes once again with some matching lipstick. The dress had a fairly low neck and so I created the appearance of a convincing cleavage by using duct tape to hold my breasts together and then padding them underneath. As I got myself ready I wished that I had ‘Pandora’s trunk’ to hand to give me the confidence that I needed, but realised that I was going to have to go through this evening without the benefit of any such props. I told myself that I would at least have my sister and my mother to accompany me this time.

~o~O~o~

As things turned out, the carol service itself proved to be nowhere near as stressful as I’d assumed it would be. There were undoubtedly a few quizzical glances and one or two knowing ones from nearby members of the congregation as we walked in and took our pews towards the rear of the church, but there was no discernible sign of hostility or derision. In no time we were happily singing along with everyone else. On the other hand, the period immediately after the service was a little more awkward for me. The congregation had been invited to eat mince pies and have mulled wine or fruit juice. In no time both my sister and my mother were busy chatting to people that they knew. I continued to be aware of subtle glances rowards me and also one or two awkward and slightly embarrassed nods from those who’d previously known me as a boy; they clearly didn’t know what to say to me. I was just beginning to feel uncomfortable when I was approached by Emily, the seventeen year old daughter of one of our neighbours and the sister of one of my school friends.

‘Hi, I understand we are to call you Becky from now on.’

‘That’s right. It’s nice to see you again, Emily,’ I replied, relieved that at last someone seemed willing to talk to me.

‘I must say you look really great in that dress’

‘Thank you very much. You’ve grown up a lot yourself since I last saw you.’

‘Thanks, I shall be telling my brother that he missed a real treat by not being here to meet you tonight.’

‘Does Will know all about me then?’

‘Becky, everybody knows about you; you’re quite the village celebrity at the moment. I suspect that half of the congregation is only here to catch a glimpse of you. But don’t worry, now that you’ve shown your face in public they’ll soon have other things to worry about.’

‘Why didn’t Will come tonight?’

‘He said that he wouldn’t know what to say to you. He caught a glimpse of you when you arrived with your sister last night and I suspect that he’s worried that he might end up fancying you. Guys have such a hang-up about their sexuality and gender identity, don’t they?’

‘I suppose they do,’ I replied, laughing.

‘Now Becky, I want you to tell me all about living in London and your job, its sounds really glamorous.’

So that was it, for the next ten minutes I had a new friend to talk to and so was unaware of the reactions of those around me until it was time to leave. We had exchanged email addresses and agreed to become friends on Facebook.

‘Why don’t you call round for a coffee on the afternoon of Boxing Day? Mum and Dad will be out visiting, but I’ll make sure that my brother is home. I suspect that he would really like to meet you again but is just a little nervous.’

‘Alright I might just do that.’

~o~O~o~

Mum, Carol and I returned home soon afterwards and I chatted to Lucy on the phone and told her about my recent meeting with Dad and also how I’d got on at the Carol Concert. She’d been back in East Anglia for nearly a week.

‘You won’t need to worry about the reaction of my Mum and Dad and brother when we come over tomorrow. I’ve had a long talk with them all and told them exactly how they are to behave towards you. Woe betide anyone who says a word out of line.’

‘How did you mother react the first time you told her about Becky?’ I asked.

‘Funnily enough, she wasn’t as surprised as I’d expected. Perhaps you have been unconsciously giving out signals about your gender identity for some time past. Of course Dad and my brother Jack were both astounded, but they’re only guys and so are unlikely to notice any such things.’

~o~O~o~

Carol and I got up really early on Christmas Day so that we could start the turkey cooking slowly and prepare all the vegetables that would be needed. The Christmas puddings had been made by Mum some time before, and the brandy butter by Carol the previous day. Mum joined us for a light breakfast during which we exchanged our Christmas gifts. Both my sister and Mum realised that I didn’t have a lot of disposable income, and most of what I did have was going to be required to fund my transition, and so were happy to receive gifts from among the items I’d acquired from the house in Cricklewood. In my sister’s case it was the long black dress from Pandora’s trunk, and in the mother’s case it was a Victorian jet necklace that I knew she would like. I was the last to open my two parcels which couldn’t have been more unlike one another in size and weight. I began with the one from my mother which was both large and heavy.

‘A sewing machine!’ I said with genuine surprise and delight. ‘That’s great, Mum! Thank you very much.’

‘Carol suggested the idea to me. I understand that you’ve been taking an interest in fabrics and soft furnishings recently.’

‘Yes, and I’m hoping to teach myself how to sew, and maybe in time to design and make my own clothes,’ I replied.

‘If you like I’ll give you an introductory lesson tomorrow,’ answered my mother who was an accomplished dressmaker.

‘I should like that,’ I replied.

Carol’s gift to me proved to be a neat, but not particularly expensive locket on a chain. But inside the box there was a note:

Dear Becky,
This locket is merely a token present; something to hand to you on Christmas Day. My main gift will be to pay for your psychological assessment and hormone regime over the next twelve months, as a private patient. That way there need be no unnecessary delays in achieving your objective. You will be able to begin as soon as you and your therapist consider you are ready. Good luck on your journey! With much love,
Carol.

‘Oh Carol, what can I say? You’ve been so good to me over the last three months,’ I said beginning to cry.

‘It has been a pleasure to discover that I have such a lovely younger sister,’ she replied smiling.

Mum now intervened.

‘You two have done all the important work regarding the food preparation, and everything else is ready, so why don’t you both now go and get changed whilst I keep an eye on things?’

‘I can be ready in a few minutes, but remember, Becky, that you promised to leave yourself enough time to look your best before Aunt Jill and her family arrived,’ said Carol.

‘Alright,’ I agreed as I needed to look good to give me the confidence to face my relations for the first time.

I’d brought with me a rather sleek and stylish coral pink ‘occasion dress’ to wear on Christmas Day. It had short cap sleeves and a round neckline embellished with black embroidery. It was made of a stretch fabric which tended to show off my body shape, and although the colour suited me I’d previously been a little hesitant about wearing it in case it divulged too much information about what was between my legs. However, having now been taking the hormone blockers for three weeks I no longer had any concerns in that respect. I planned to wear it with black patent heels and a matching clutch bag. As usual I also ensured that both my lipstick and nail varnish matched the colour of the dress and that my eye makeup, earrings and a mock coral necklace complemented it.

Mum seemed to approve of my chosen outfit when I returned to the kitchen, but insisted that I put on one of her aprons to protect my clothes. It was a novelty apron with the words ‘Queen of tarts’ and a picture of a cupcake on the front. My sister was already wearing one with the words ‘Don’t mess with the cook!’

~o~O~o~

Carol and I were basting the turkey when the guests arrived. We briefly emerged from the kitchen to say hello to everybody.

‘Hi Carol, hi Becky, Merry Christmas!’ said Lucy in an attempt to break the ice.

I could see that Aunt Jill seemed to be quite impressed by my appearance but that Uncle Derek was unsure what to say to me. Cousin Jack seemed to be in a state of shock with his mouth wide open.

‘Please would you excuse Becky and me as we’re just sorting out the meal,’ said Carol.

‘I’ll come with you to see if I can do anything to help,’ said Lucy, leaving the other members of her family to be entertained by Mum.

‘How have things been going?’ asked Lucy, as she busied herself taking things from the kitchen through to the dining room and directing her younger brother to help lay the table.

‘So far so good,’ I replied.

‘Becky has been showing me how to cook and carve a turkey,’ added Carol, sounding quite pleased with herself.

Ten minutes later everything was ready and Carol and I at last removed our aprons.

‘You two look so nice, I now wish that I’d decided to dress up a little more,’ said Lucy.

‘You look fine just as you are,’ I replied.

We all sat down to an excellent family Christmas dinner and everyone seemed to be going out of their way to be friendly and talkative. Inevitably there were some topics which were best avoided, at least on this one occasion. Jack did make a brief fleeting reference to ‘Nick’ at one point but I suspect it was a genuine slip of the tongue rather than an attempt to make me feel uncomfortable. Lucy gave him a look that would have set off the smoke alarm if we’d been in the hall, and he went bright red, but the incident was quickly smoothed over and the conversation continued as before.

‘I must say that you do look nice in that colour, Becky, it really suits you,’ said my Aunt.

‘Thank you very much,’ I replied, smiling.

‘Becky is one of those fortunate people where several colours schemes seem to suit her. You should have seen her in the lilac evening dress, when we had dinner together back in November,’ commented Lucy.

‘Yes, I’ve been shown the photographs; in fact all three of you looked nice on that occasion.’

 

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Image Credit: Picture from PublicDomainPictures.net. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction. Girl in Red.

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Chapter 20 Prospects for 2010
 

After lunch we moved from the dining room to the lounge and there was a further exchange of small gifts between ourselves and our visitors. I was gratified that everything given to me was specifically aimed at Becky — no doubt this was at Lucy’s insistence. Eventually it was my turn and I handed over inexpensive gifts to my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin Jack.

‘Lucy, you’ve been so good to me over the last three months, that I’d like you to have the blue strapless evening gown that you wore at that dinner, together with all the accessories to go with it.’

I handed over a parcel containing the dress, the shoes, underwear and jewelry.

‘I can’t possibly accept all this Becky, they are far too expensive.’

‘I won’t be able to wear that outfit for at least a year or more, until I have developed some genuine breasts of my own, and you did look so lovely when you wore it last time,’ I continued.

I noticed that Uncle Frank flinched momentarily as I mentioned nurturing my own breasts, but I was now feeling quite confident in my future as Becky.

‘So please accept the outfit. As you know, I now have plenty of other nice clothes to wear.’

Lucy seemed undecided and looked around as if seeking re-assurance as to what she should do. Aunt Jill smiled and nodded.

‘Well, if you’re sure, thank you very much’ Lucy continued beginning to open the parcel and to hold up the dress for everyone to see.

‘Why don’t all three of you change into your ‘posh frocks’ for the evening whilst the rest of us do the washing up?’ suggested Mum.

‘Oh yes, I’d love to see the girls dressed in all their finery,' added Aunt Jill.

The word ‘girls’ came so naturally to her, without a moment’s hesitation or a trace of irony that I was minded to accept the suggestion and I suspected that the others would be happy to wear their dresses once again. But on the other hand, Carol and I had promised to take responsibility for preparing and serving our evening meal, although I had to admit that most of the work had been done. Mum noticed my hesitation and quietly spoke in my ear.

‘Go on Becky, it’ll give us oldies a chance to talk about you whilst you’re getting changed.’

‘It won’t take me long to get changed,’ added Carol but you and Lucy can take your time and show us just how good you both can look.’

‘What do you think, Lucy, shall we get changed into our frocks?’

She smiled.

‘Alright, let’s go for it.’

Carol used her own bedroom to get changed, but Lucy and I shared mine and we helped one another to get ourselves ready and fix our hair.

‘You’re going to need to change the colour of your nail varnish, Becky, would you like me to do it for you,’ said Lucy.

‘Yes please, and then I’ll help you with yours.’

I spread out my fingers to enable her to remove the existing coral red lacquer and replace it with the lilac.

‘This will be the third different colour of nail varnish that I’ve worn in three days,’ I commented.

‘It is hard work being a girl, isn’t it,’ said Lucy, smiling.

‘Yes, but it’s also good fun as well,’ I replied.

‘So, no regrets then?’ she asked.

‘Absolutely not! My decision to live as Becky has been the best thing I’ve ever done. By the way, Carol is going to fund the cost of my psych assessment and hormone regime.’

‘Yes, I know. She discussed the idea with me a little time ago. She asked my opinion as to whether she would be doing the right thing for you or whether it was encouraging you to make permanent changes to your body which you might one day regret.’

‘So what did you say to her?’

‘That, as far as I could see, it would be the best possible gift she could ever give you. In any event, the whole purpose of the psychological evaluation would be to ensure that you were fully aware of, and had thought through, the implications of what you were planning to do before you began.’

‘Thank you for saying that, Lucy.’

‘I was only saying what I thought to be true. Anyone who has had had any dealings with you over the last three months must be able to see that you should have been born a girl — in fact that you are a girl with a few hormone and plumbing issues that need sorting out.’

I smiled.

‘I certainly feel like a woman.’

‘Of course you do and you look like one as well.’

I didn’t respond, but watched as my cousin continued painting my nails and felt contented about my new life. I knew that I’d only just begun my journey and there would be many difficulties and some disappointments ahead, but at least I’d now taken control of my destiny, and that felt good.

‘Becky, I’ll need to write up a case study for my psychology course next term. If I may, I should like use your story, although I promise to protect your anonymity.’

‘What will it involve?’

‘I’d like to interview you in some depth about your earliest memories of wanting to be a girl; your feelings about it during your childhood and who you told about it. I’d also like to know about your first experiences of adopting the female role; how you felt and how you came to live and work as a woman. I need to talk about your plans for the future and how your parents and siblings have reacted to the news of your transition.’

[Author’s note: I am sure my readers will realise that Lucy’s notes made three years ago, and subsequently enhanced by me at the suggestion of my therapist, have formed the basis of this story.]

I smiled.

‘Since you both encouraged and assisted me in the early days, I don’t think I can very well refuse: of course you may go ahead and write about me.’

‘Good, in that case I’ll be getting in touch soon after the New Year. But I trust that I didn’t have any fundamental influence on your decision to transition and live as a woman?’

‘No, not really; I actually think it was the opening of ‘Pandora’s trunk’ that caused me to make the irrevocable decision to live as a woman.’

‘No doubt I’ll be mentioning that you believe this to be so in my write-up, but of course I’ll retain an appropriate academic scepticism and detachment.’

I held up my hands whilst my nails were drying.

‘I’m not really a believer in the supernatural, but it is almost as if that trunk and the clothes that it contained have some magical property. They seem to provide me with a profound sense of confidence in myself as a woman and the rightness of my decision.’

‘In that case I hope this dress that you’ve given me will do the same for me. I need to break the news to my parents that I don’t intend to return to East Anglia when my degree is finished next summer but rather to apply for funding to continue to research for a PhD.’

‘I don’t mind acting as your undergraduate case study, but I wouldn’t want you to base your PhD on me,’ I said laughing.

‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t put you through that; but I must admit though that observing you over the last three months has caused me to take an interest in the psychology of gender identity. There is so much that we don’t yet understand.’

‘I’ll be interested to know what you discover in due course.’

Lucy and I spent nearly an hour and a half in helping one another to get ready before we came downstairs. Carol had taken only half of this time and undoubtedly looked smart and sophisticated in her long black dress. However, we had the advantage of youth on our side and both looked and felt like a couple of princesses. Both Uncle Frank and Cousin Jack’s faces displayed their surprise and admiration as we entered the room. Carol also looked happy for us and both Mum and Aunt Jill looked on with obvious pride at how lovely their respective daughters could look.

~o~O~o~

The remainder of our Christmas Day went well with everybody entering in to the spirit of the celebration. During the remainder of the afternoon and the evening I found the confidence to speak with each member of Lucy’s family and to be open and honest in my answers to any questions about my future. After his minor faux pas earlier, Cousin Jack went out of his way to be as polite and respectful towards me as he could. I even engaged in a little mild flirting with him, and once he’d gotten over the initial shyness and awkwardness associated with any sixteen year-old, he was happy to have his photograph taken with his arms round both myself and his sister.

The evening meal was in the form of a buffet. Carol and I had already done most of the preparatory work and so it was just a question of laying out the dishes and letting people help themselves. I didn’t bother too much about eating as I was happy enough just to circulate among the guests and I didn’t want to risk dropping food on my lovely dress. I noticed that Lucy engaged in a serious conversation with both her parents at one point, so perhaps I was right about the effect of wearing that dress had on her self-confidence. I also later noticed Carol deep in conversation with Mum, although, at the time, the significance didn’t register.

Our guests left just before midnight and Mum insisted that she would quickly clear up the worst of the mess downstairs, whilst Carol and I could go and get changed out of our gowns. I was just about to begin doing so when there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was my sister.

‘May I have a talk, Becky?’

‘Yes, of course, please come in and take a seat on the bed.’

‘I’ve just told Mum all about Geoff, and the fact that although I love him, he is married and has a young family, and also that he’s never likely to leave his wife.’

‘I see; so how did she react?’

‘Much better than I’d thought. She wasn’t judgmental. She just said that she’d always love and support me; that I must do whatever I thought was right but that I should also think very carefully before I did anything which might cause the breakup of a family and the loss of a father to young kids. She said that she now accepts that the breakup of her own marriage was partly her fault; there was more she might have done to save it. She tells me that she now feels sorry, especially that you were brought up without a father.’

‘She needn’t do so. I had a reasonably happy childhood apart from having to hide my true gender identity. I’m sure that it had nothing to with my wanting to live as a girl. But what made you suddenly decide to tell her?’

Carol sighed.

‘I’ve been unsure what to do for some time; I’m nearly 34 and I want a family, and I’m not prepared to wait around for Geoff to make up his mind. Yesterday morning I wasn’t intending to say anything to Mum and didn’t know what I was going to do. However, as I was changing into this dress after lunch I began to see a way forward.’

‘What is that?’ I asked.

‘I’ve just ditched all my contraceptive pills and tomorrow I intend to write and tell Geoff what I’ve done. If we continue to meet and have sex and I fall pregnant, then he will have to take financial responsibility to help me bring up our child as a single mother. He is easily able to do so as he already earns substantially more than I do. As long as he does so, he may have regular access to our child, and I’ll not seek to undermine or disrupt his marriage in any way. If, on the other hand, he decides that he doesn’t wish to continue our relationship, then so be it, I’ll pay for artificial insemination from a sperm donor. Either way I hope to be pregnant by the time I’m 35.’

‘But what about your job?’

‘I’ll be able to take maternity leave, although I’d also hope to resume my career afterwards. So I shall be looking for an au-pair whom I can really trust when the child is born and for the first few years. From what I saw the day before yesterday I was wondering whether you might be interested in such a job? Of course I’d pay you the ‘going rate’ and we could move to a more child-friendly location, if you wish.’

‘Really!’ I said in some surprise.

‘Yes, I am quite serious.’

‘In some ways that could fit in with my plans,’ I responded after a moment’s thought. ‘Although I’m grateful to the Club for providing me with an opportunity to live as Becky, I don’t really see my future as a drag queen. I’d intended to leave after a few months and to try and find a job which matched my new identity.’

‘Working as an au-pair might be good for you as it would give you a certain amount of flexibility whilst you are undergoing your transition,’ my sister suggested.

‘In the longer term, though, I’d also like to resume my education. The London College of Fashion runs a number of part-time courses for dress designers which might suit me.’

‘Well, let us hope things work out for both of us.’

~o~O~o~

On Boxing Day, I dressed casually with a pink sweater, trousers and a minimum of make-up. Carol, on the other hand, dressed quite smartly as she had previously arranged to visit a former school friend in Norwich who had recently given birth to a baby. I suspected that she may have also welcomed the forty minute drive away from Mum and myself to think about her own future. I therefore spent the morning at home with Mum learning how to set up and use the sewing machine that she’d bought for me. We soon found that we were getting on well together and ultimately we were both quite pleased with my first efforts.

‘Becky, I’m so sorry that I appeared angry and disappointed when I first learned of your decision to live as a woman. I can see now that you are only fulfilling your destiny and being the person you should always have been.’

‘You really don’t need to apologise, Mum. It was a difficult changeover for us all to make. I’ve seen over the last few days how you’ve gone out of your way to make things easier for me.’

‘Maybe, but I wish we could have been more honest with one another many years ago,’ she said wistfully. ‘I would have really enjoyed teaching one of my daughters how to sew.’

‘It is not too late, Mum. We don’t live that far away from one another. There will be times when I can come and stay here and also when you can come to visit the two of us,’ I replied.

‘I hope so,’ she replied. ‘

~o~O~o~

Carol returned in time for a traditional Boxing Day lunch of cold meat.

‘What are you planning to do this afternoon, Becky?’ she asked.

‘I promised to call on Will and his sister but I’ll only be there for an hour or so.’

‘I trust you’ll be changing into a dress and putting on some make-up before you go,’ added Mum, and I realised that I had been completely accepted as her daughter.

‘I think that I’m going to get changed as well,’ announced Carol. ‘I’m going to wear that long dress that you gave me, Becky, as it seems to give me the confidence I will need to write to Geoff.’

On this occasion I didn’t need to wear my long dress from ‘Pandora’s trunk,’ as I’d been gradually developing the self-confidence and self-esteem that I needed to be able to live as Becky. As a result, my meeting with my former schoolfriend and his sister went well. After the merest trace of awkwardness, we were soon laughing together about events in our childhood and I came away thinking that I would no longer need to be anxious about meeting anyone who’d known me from my past.

~o~O~o~

Carol and I had to leave Brome after breakfast on Sunday morning to give me enough time to get ready for my work that evening.

‘Thanks Mum, for everything; it has been a great Christmas,’ I said as we hugged before we were about to leave.’

‘Thank you, girls, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had for a long time.’

‘There’s going to be a lot for us both to think about for the New Year,’ added Carol to me as we were driving away.

~o~O~o~

So that pretty well takes my story to the end of 2009, which is the point where I’d decided to end this first volume of my autobiography. This was the year that saw the beginnings of the many far-reaching changes that have taken place in my life since. That was the year in which my relationships with my parents, my sister and my cousin all changed for the better as I began to understand whom I really was. No doubt other volumes may appear in years to come as I pass on through life. I still own ‘Pandora’s trunk’, which remains unopened in my bedroom as a reminder to me of the person I used to be, but my childhood and adolescence now seem so distant and almost as if they happened to another person. I do still wear some of the lovely clothes that the trunk used to contain, especially if I have to attend any formal function, as wearing them always gives me more confidence in myself as a woman.

~The End~

[Postscript]

Upon reflection, the first sentence of the previous paragraph isn’t entirely true. There was just one other conversation that took place in 2009 which is worthy of record, and which I now give below.

According to my usual rota, I was not due to work on New Year’s Eve, which fell on a Thursday, but I volunteered to do so as my new friend Susie had been surprised to receive an invitation to a New Year’s party from one of her brothers. It had been addressed to her using her femme name and she was anxious to accept as she felt it might represent a thawing of relations between them. As a result, I found myself serving behind the bar at the club at about 11.00pm.

‘Hello Becky, did you have a good Christmas?’ asked Roger, who’d approached without my noticing.

‘Yes thanks,’ I answered smiling. ‘How about you?’

‘Not too bad, thanks! So did you manage to sort out your life?’

I smiled.

‘Oh that’s a task that is likely to take me some time yet, but I feel I’ve made a good start. How about you, Roger, have you made any New Year’s resolutions?’

‘Yes; I am going to think carefully before I ask anyone out for dinner again,’ he answered going a little red.

‘Oh! that’s a pity because one of my New Year’s resolutions is going to be that I won’t automatically turn down any guy that asks me out to dinner in future, …. especially if I like him.’

As I said the final phrase I looked into his eyes.

‘Does that mean that if I were to ask you out to dinner once again you might accept?’ he asked, looking both surprised and hopeful.

‘Well, of course 2010 and my New Year’s resolution don’t begin for another hour yet; but I hope you’ll think that I’m worth the wait!’ I replied, smiling.