When you live with two psychology grad students you already find yourself being over analyzed.

Kelsey and Avery both looked for "hints" of my gender struggles in the past.

My favorite movie as a child was "Little Mermaid. And yes, I loved and wanted to be Ariel. I was always watching Kelsey's DVD of it.

"Only boy I know to wear an Ariel t-shirt," I heard Kelsey say to Avery. "He was really cute."

I had a few sessions with Dr. Broder, who told Kelsey that I showed very strong characteristics of having gender dysphoria. I don't think the term gender variation had taken off back then.

I was referred to a therapist named Dr. Amelia Van Zandt, who explored several possibilities, including fatigue from our family tragedy on 9/11 to adjusting to life with two twenty-something women.

"I want to check every possible avenue for Reagan's feelings before deciding on what course of action," I overheard Kelsey read Avery from an email from Dr. Van Zandt. "But I'm my opinion, Reagan is indeed transgendered, and we should look very seriously at transitioning, especially with the onset of puberty approaching."

"Wow!" Avery said.

"Wow, indeed," Kelsey said.

Life in general hadn't really changed.

We would have one more session with Dr. Van Zandt before "making a decision."

"You mean, you make a decision, Kelse," I said in the car on the way to Avery's parents for a weekend away from the city. "I want to be a girl. I am a girl!"

"Patience, sweety, this will mean a radical change for you," Avery said.

"I think my life has already been through a radical change, thank you very much!" I shouted, rather annoyed.

"Watch your attitude young.....," Kelsey said before catching herself.

"Go ahead, say it...young lady!" Avery said. "Reagan, stop your bitchin' "

The way Avery said it, all three of us burst into laughter as we pulled into the driveway.

Her parents' place was sort of our refuge from the City. We spent our holidays there.

Her folks became my "grandparents." Since Kelsey had Avery declared my co-guardian, I was just as much "her" kid as Kelsey's. So her parents considered me their first "grandchild."

Avery insisted I call them "Nana" and "Papa" even though they were only in their late 40s. And they doted on me and spoiled me about as much as Kelsey and Avery.

Our first Christmas at their place after 9/11, Avery and Kelsey insisted I pretend that I still believed in Santa Claus (They made me sit in Santa's lap at Macy's before we made the trip, of course they sat in Santa's lap too, asking for expensive stuff from their boyfriends just to be in good humor).

I put cookies and milk out for Santa and carrots for Rudolph that year. Kelsey bought me pink footed bunny rabbit pajamas like Ralphie wore during "A Christmas Story." I didn't get a Red Ryder BB gun that year, but I did get tons of video games.

I think pretending to believe in Santa that year was a way to keep Kelsey and I from dwelling on losing our parents. Avery and "Nana" and "Papa" Wilkes did a good job of keeping our spirits up.

They were that way every time we came up. Nana called me "Pumpkin" from day one. Now both of them call me that. And this trip was going to be an interesting one.

Avery told them about the possibilty that I was transgendered.

They were amazingly receptive, which didn't surprise Kelsey or Avery.

"They are what dad used to call Boston Kennedy liberals," Kelsey said.

They had a couple of transgendered friends. One once worked for Papa when they still lived in Boston.

"Oh my God, Pumpkin, you look more adorable every time you visit," Nana as she embraced me when I walked through the door. "We've got a big surprise for you."

"She bought Reagan a horse when we went to a stock sale the other day," PaPa whispered to Avery.

"Oh you guys are going to spoil Reagan even more than we do," Avery whispered back.

We sidestepped the issue that was on everyone's mind most of the night, until Nana asked how the therapy sessions were going.

I looked at Avery and Kelsey. They looked like they didn't know what to say.

"They're going OK," I told her after waiting for a response. "I like Doc Van Zandt a lot."

Papa, to his credit, sensed the awkwardness of the conversation and changed the subject. Although I wasn't really into sports, I did like baseball, and was a big Yankees fan. Being from Boston, he was, well, a Red Sox fan. I think it brought him pleasure to see me get huffed up about the rivalry.

Of course, I always put him in his place when I reminded him about the "Curse of the Bambino."

Papa could be pretty cool. He liked to take me fishing out at the dock, which is what we did the next morning. He was good to talk to. Whereas Nana called me "Pumpkin," he called me his fishing "Buddy."

He was easy to talk to. But still, I was surprised by his calm, reassuring reaction when I asked him if he'd still take me fishing when I became a girl.

"Avery has always been my fishing buddy," Papa said as he watched me skip a rock across the lake. "And girls can fish just like boys do."

He patted me on the head as we walked back up to the house, and told me I wasn't getting out of fishing duties that easily.

I saw Kelsey and Avery talking to Nana in the living room when I walked in. I didn't let them know I was there and walked straight into what had become my room. Sitting on my bed was a box of clothes marked "Avery." There were shorts, tops, most really near my size.

I found a purple tank top, a pair of shorts that were a bit snug and put them on. The yellow head band in the box was a bit too tempting not to put on, along with a necklace that was tucked in the corner of the box. I also put on a pair of sandals

I played videogames for a few minutes and then went into the kitchen for a snack. I couldn't help but eavesdrop into a conversation in what was Nana's sewing room.

"I haven't seen that dress in years," Avery told Kelsey. "Mom always made me wear that deplorable thing when we went to church when we went to the Hamptons."

"But you looked good in it," Nana said. "I got it out a couple of days ago and started work on it. I know you two are planning a weekend with just your boyfriends. So I thought we'd take Reagan to the Hamptons with us, and thought she'd need a good dress to wear at chapel."

"Mom, we been through all this, nothing's been decided about whether Reagan will actually start..." Avery said before Kelsey interrupted.

"Oh, I think it's a foregone conclusion," Kelsey said. "Anne, I think it's a nice gesture. I'm sure Reagan would love to wear it."

Avery elbowed Kelsey and whispered "and you were getting on me about jumping the gun."

Just then, I walked in and gave Nana a hug.

"What's that for, Pumpkin?" she asked.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever called me," I said, tearing up.

"What was that?" she asked.

"You called me a SHE," I said as a bit right into the apple I was munching on and walked out of the room.

"Did you notice what Reagan was wearing?" Kelsey said after I walked out.

"I wore the exact combination when I wore those clothes," Avery said. "Amazing how well they fit."

"Reagan looked ... looked," Kelsey said, looking for the right words to say.

"I think she looked adorable," Nana said.

"No I don't think that's what Kelsey's trying to say," Avery said.

"She looked like a girl," Kelsey said.

Sorry this has been a long time coming. Life has really been busy!

Chapter 3
My head seemed like it was spinning on the day we made the decision to "begin the transition" during our meeting with Dr. Van Zandt. There was talk of hormones, school and a ton of other issues.

Avery was included in the meeting since Dr. Van Zandt felt everyone in the household needed to be included in the decision, and in everything that followed. Kelsey whispered to Avery that it seemed like "one of their projects."

I didn't really like being considered a "project."

"That's not what she meant," Avery whispered to me, although the insisted that we keep a video journal of my journey into girlhood.

It all moved pretty fast. There was the trip to the endocrinologist to map out the plan with the hormone blockers and the female hormones.

Then we met with the school administration. I was really fortunate that I went to a private "arts" school. We were informed by our principal, Ms. Marsh, that I wouldn't be the first "transgendered" student at the school. A male-to-female student graduated a couple of years before. And there was a "trans-boy" a grade ahead of me.

I actually knew him, but did not know he had been a genetic female.

"As for as the school is concerned, Reagan is a girl," Ms. Marsh said.

There really would be no major issues, she said, other than the fact that I needed to remember to use the girls restroom from now on.

I rolled my eyes when she said that.

Of course, we went shopping to adjust my wardrobe. I wasn't being totally radical. A few dresses and skirts, yes. But mainly jeans, shorts, t-shirts and a few cute tops that screamed "she's a girl now."

There were a few awkward moments. Kelsey and Avery insisted on documenting my search for the right training bras.

"Oh come on, it's a monumental part of a girl's life," Kelsey insisted.

"Yeah, but do you guys really have to videotape me modeling them?" I asked. I'm pretty sure I was blushing.

I settled on pretty, if somewhat conservative. Both Kelsey and Avery felt they were wise choices.

As for the panties, I just grabbed a pack off the rack and chunked them into the shopping cart. Nothing really short-short or frilly. Just bottoms. And don't get me started on thongs, those are gross.

I had somewhat of a makeover. I got a more of a girl's haircut and style, with highlights. I got my ears pierced and started doing my nails on a somewhat regular basis.

Kelsey and Avery did their best to clue most of the people we knew on my "change."

Most of the people we knew were fairly liberal, so most of the response was pretty positive. There were a few that didn't take it well, more so from extended family, aunts, uncles.

One of the most curious responses came from neighbors we forgot to tell. A girl may age lived across the hall with her mother. She was pretty nerdy, and I thought, somewhat snobby. She and her mother seemed a little strange. She went to a different school, so they weren't clued in.

Her mother found out from a mutual friend and they came over one night to let us know "how supportive" they were.

It was a bit weird, I admit, and I was invited to join Alicia's Girl Scout troop. Alicia and I ended up going to my room while her mom talked with Kelsey and Avery, and believe it or not, we actually hit it off.

She was a computer nerd who wrote poetry, but liked some of the same video games I did. She and her mom were a lot of the hippy side, which would rub off on me, especially after I slept over at her apartment for the first time.

She didn't have a whole lot of friends outside of her Girl Scout troop, but we would become very close friends. We still are.

She was the first person who ever talked to me like boys. And as a girl, she was the first I ever confessed liking boys, too.

As for school, it went fairly OK.

Wardrobe-wise, I really didn't wear anything on those first few days to draw attention to myself. Jeans, t-shirts, non-flashy tops. I worse sneakers. Ocassionally wore my hoodie. It could be cold in that old building.

Relationships were different. Nick Sczpanski had been my best friend since I started going to school there. Like me, he had lost a parent when the towers fell. His father had also been a firefighter.

He really didn't know how to take it, me being a girl. I didn't have a crush on him. He was, at least in my opinion, still just a friend kind of friend.

But he admitted being a little uncomfortable, and we sort of stopped hanging out together. We were still cordial, but things had changed.

One of my other friends, Molly D'ambrosia, became an even closer friend. She had been a punk girl, but still somewhat of an Italian sweetheart.

She found me sobbing in a stairwell after a conversation with Nick on the first day, put her arms around me and told me everything's going to be all right.

"Boys are just hard to understand," She said.

"I know, but it's not like I was wanting to date him or anything," I said as I wiped my tears. "The way he's acting makes me feel like a freak sometimes."

"I can relate," Molly said. "People treat me like a freak because I happen to have purple and pink hair, tattoos and piercings."

There were somewhat humorous sides to the transition at school thing. We are arranged according to voice in chorus. I was moved from a boys' line to a girls' line.

"This is probably where you should have been in the beginning," my chorus teacher said. "But I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

He was right. There were several girls with deeper voices than I was.

And I got kicked out of ballet class ... on the first day!

"How could you possibly get kicked out of ballet?" Kelsey asked. "You love ballet."

"Read the note," Avery said.

"Reagan has been in my class for three years. She knows the dress code. I expect ALL girls to wear black leotards, pink tights and hair neatly in a bun, no EXCEPTIONS. But I will allow her to wear a wrap-around skirt."

"Oops," Kelsey said.

"We didn't think of everything," Avery said.

Chapter 4
September 10, 2001
"You're not mad are you mom?" I cried as my mother wiped makeup off my face.

She held me close to her chest.

"Why would you ever think that?" she replied.

"Because I'm wearing a dress," I said.

She caught me wearing one of Kelsey's old cheerleading outfits.

"Oh Darling, it's OK," Mom said. "You look pretty in it like your sister. In fact, I never realized how much you two favor. But the makeup is a bit of a mess!"

She told me to go get cleaned up. Dad was working the night shift at the firehouse.

Since Kelsey moved out after going to NYU, most nights, it was just mom and me.

We had our favorite, takeout Chinese.

"Got to be at work early tomorrow, kiddo," she said as she tried to show me how to use chopsticks. "Don't want to slave over a stove."

"That's OK mom," I said with my mouth full. "This is good."

"Mom, you promise you won't tell Kelse, about you know," I said after I swallowed a bite.

"Oh, I think Kelse might know," She said.

She didn't tell me how Kelse might know.

I found out later that Kelse saw me sneak into her old room one morning when I didn't know she'd come home. She never let on that she saw me.

"Well, please don't tell dad," I said.

"I won't baby, your secret is safe with me," she said.

She never asked me why I had the cheerleading outfit on. We just went into the living room to watch television.

She asked me about my day, and asked me how I liked my new art class. She proudly showed off my art works ar her office.

"You know, they're offering swim classes at the Y," she said. "I thought you and me could take class together. Would you like that?"

"Sure," I said. Mom was a fitness freak. I always ran with her. I sometimes went with her to the gym.

Our evening was always interrupted by a phone call from dad, especially on a quiet night like it was that night.

We talked about the Giants and the Mets. He talked with mom about her day.

suggested the three of us head to the Jersey Shore for a weekend at the beach before it started to turn cold.

"What about Kelsey?" I asked.

"She and her roommate Avery can come, too, if they want," dad said. "But they're busy with college stuff. They might not have time for us. They've got their friends."

I enjoyed the phone calls with dad. I wasn't comfortable talking to him about my feelings. I wasn't with mom, either.

Mom sort of knew something was amiss. She called me her "sensitive child."

And she knew I was bullied. She also once overrheard one of Kelsey's friends call me sissy. She defended me.

"You're not like other boys," she said. "I love you just the way you are."
*****
Sept. 11, 2001

They tried to organize us in the hall, but it was total chaos. We couldn't leave unless our parents or somebody from our family picked us up. We knew something was going on, because they decided to let school out early.

Parents and other family members were coming in to pick up their children, some were in tears.

I waited for Mom. I knew she had an important meeting, which was probably the reason she was late, or so I thought.

Maybe dad, I thought. His shift at the firehouse should have been over.

I was really surprised to see Kelsey walk through the doors with her roommate, Avery. Kelsey look white as a ghost.

You could tell both had been crying because their makeup was smeared.

Kelsey spotted me and told Avery to come get me while she went into the office.

"What's going on?" I asked Avery as she helped me gather my things.

"Kelse, Kelse will tell you what's going," Avery said.

Kelsey emerged from the office.

"We probably need to go to the firehouse, maybe they'll know something," Kelsey told Avery.

"Why are we going to the firehouse?" I asked before we got into Avery's car.

Avery was driving, in Kelsey's words, because she was the calm one.

Traffic was a nightmare.

It was during that time Kelsey told me of the events that would change our lives forever.

She told me planes had hit the World Trade Center towers. She told me they collapsed.

She told me firefighters responded and that people escaped.

"Mom?" I asked, already in tears.

"I don't know," she said, trying to choke back the tears.

She didn't say it then, but in heart, she already knew.

Mom called Kelsey right after the first plane hit to tell her she was safe. Mom's office was high up in the north tower, above the impact zone. They were telling them to stay put and wait for emergency personnel.

"Wouldn't it be funny if your dad is the one who rescues me?" she said, trying to keep Kelsey's spirits up.

As the situation grew grim after the second plane hit, Kelsey told me Mom's tone changed.

Kelsey was still in shock as Mom told her to write things down.

She told her where she kept all important documents, which attorney to call, what family members to contact.

"Mom, please don't say that," Kelsey told me she said.

"Kelse, I need you to be strong," Mom said. "Hopefully, dad will be there. But you and Reagan have to be strong."

She told Kelsey she loved us. Kelsey lost her about the time the tower fell.

Kelsey tried to call back, but no longer had cell service. She hoped dad would be at the firehouse, and that maybe he knew something about Mom.

But deep down, she also he knew might be dead, too. He would have just ended his shift when the first plane. But she knew firefighters would have been called in if they were off.

If things were chaotic at school, they were even worse when we finally reached the firehouse.

Members of nearly every firefighter's family were there, waiting for word.

Firefighters slowly trickled in, covered with ash.

Capt. Clark, who worked a different shift than dad, did his best to organize things and try to tell us something. He and his crew made it out.

He knew us. He pulled Kelsey aside.

"We don't know if they made it out," he said. "They were ahead of us and already going up. I've seen no one from your dad's crew."

When he said that, Kelsey sat down and broke into tears.
I joined her. We were a mess.

Avery turned into our rock that day.

We left for our house. It seemed like hours for us to get out of the city and get home.

Neighbors, family friends and even some family members were waiting on us when we got to the house.

They all wanted to know if we had any news about Mom and Dad. We were bombarded with food.

They were there for hours. Avery was the one who mustered up the courage to ask them to leave.

We were tired. We had several cries that night.

The three of us slept in Mom and Dad's king bed that night, and for a few days after. I slept in the middle.

Kelsey was the one who made the decision to sell the house and move me into the loft with them in the city.

*****
September 11, 2003

"Let me see how you look," Kelsey said as she walked into my room.

She grabbed a brush and started putting the finishing touches on my hair.

"You know you really did a good job on your makeup," she said. "Your getting to be a pro."

"You think so?" I asked as she finished my hair and straightened my bow.

"Yup, you are," Kelsey said.

"You two, we've got to be getting a move on," Avery said as she walked into my room.

"Oh my god, you look gorgeous," she said as she gave me a hug.

"A couple of years from now, we'll have to chase off the boys with a stick," Kelsey said, which caused me to blush.

The three of us were wearing matching black and white dresses. We were going to a memorial service at the grave yard where mom and dad had plots.

It was simple service. Family members of other victims of 9/11 were there.

When the service was over, the three of us walked up to Mom and Dad's tomb rock and placed roses. Even though their bodies were never recovered, it was our place to spend time with them.

"Kelse, can I ask you a question?" I asked.

"Sure kiddo," Kelsey said.

"What would mom think of me?" I asked.

"She would be proud that she had such a wonderful, beautiful daughter," Kelsey said.

"You think so?" I asked.

"I know so," Kelsey said. "And dad, too. I believe he would have understood. I think they'd both be proud of their Uptown girls."