It was just nine months ago that I had open heart surgery, a quadruple bypass of arteries that feed my heart. I was back for a checkup because my cardiologist was disappointed with the lack of energy and stamina I was showing in my recovery. I had been back to work full-time, but I agree, I am not my regular self. Blood tests have shown the presence of cancer, and it took several scans and tests to pinpoint testicular cancer.
It took three weeks to see the specialist, but he's the best surgeon for this procedure in our region. He gave the option of seeing an oncologist for the consideration of chemotherapy or radiation as options before surgery. I was assured by the doctor it was presently limited, possibly self-contained. I decided on the surgery, knowing they would want the consideration of chemo and/or radiation treatments after the surgery as a precaution that no cancer cells were missed.
He put me on his surgery schedule in four weeks; it was to be one of his last surgeries before vacation. I was feeling down about the surgery but saw it as a good sign that things worked out for me to get the best surgeon for the job.
I had recently turned 61 and I chuckled when people suggested my manhood was being threatened. There is little in danger to my manhood at 61 being down to one testis. Our two adult children had children of their own and one was expecting again. That I was sexually active with my wife was an idea that my daughters did not want to hear. Frankly, my wife was neither worried nor interested. The congregation has trouble seeing their pastor as a sexual being.
The time flew quickly for others; for me, it felt like most days were at least 30 hours long. Hearing everyone’s advice, from family, multiple times finally wore on my nerves and caused some restless nights. There's always extra work in anticipation of missing time away from the church whether it is a vacation, study leaves, or medical leave. The time had finally come and I was ready to have it over.
The lead surgeon was to do the surgery first thing at 6:00 am. But it was his associate Dr. Denise Greene, who showed up at 6:30 stating her partner had been called to Michigan for an emergency there. Dr. Greene said, “It appears everything is done, I just wish the Doctor took a more recent scan.”
We agreed to wait a day to get another scan taken. The good news was that there was no problem in rescheduling the surgery or the scan. The bad news wasn’t acknowledged until the next morning, that the scan results were lost in the system. It would have shown that cancer had grown and spread to the second testicle, but now it wouldn't be until the surgery that it would be discovered.
I had been held overnight for the surgery as it was scheduled again for early in the morning. My wife left early and my daughters went back to work so they could be off again for the surgery. I had a good nurse, Ashley, on the night shift, which was a big help.
I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, with my wife having gone home early, it was my second surgery within 12 months, and the possible loss of a testicle played on my male ego along with my age. As a pastor, I would have been sensitive to others, but I hadn’t taken time to recover from heart surgery nor to give myself the emotional space needed now.
Nurse Ashley asked, “Aren’t you the country pastor who lives south of here? I have seen you here as a pastor several times. There are local pastors that I haven’t seen as much. You impressed me as being a person who is there for his flock, however, needed. Sadly, you don’t give yourself the space you would give them.” She was lifting my spirits and came back to my room as possible. We had gotten to the point of joking and I was giving her a hard time for the fun of it.
Ashley finally gave it back, “What’s your problem, even with your surgery, you are still the same person. You should be a 16-year-old girl like my little sister; it’s much harder than being a 61-year-old man of God facing surgery.”
I suggested that Ashley say a prayer if she thought it was so easy. Ashley prayed “God bless Pastor Bob lifting him in your care that he would rest in your grace for the surgery tomorrow and for my sister Jaime for her changes as she grows as a young woman, and let each of them enjoy all the years ahead as young women. Amen.”
Ashley woke me at 4:30 and got me ready for surgery. My wife and daughters were there by 6:00 a.m. and saw me off for surgery. A neighboring pastor even stopped and shared he'd be there for my family as well as me. He too shared a prayer just before I went to surgery.
Dr. Denise greeted me. I gave her permission to do whatever was needed; stating she was to do what was needed for the sake of good health. "I don't want to be awakened after surgery to find out I had another surgery yet ahead of me, because I have not given the necessary permission.
It was somewhere in the afternoon when I woke up from the surgery. I asked how things went, everyone said I was well, but they wouldn't tell me about the surgery. I wanted them to tell me more “Tell me what the doctor said; what the actual results were. Did something unexpected happen?” I was encouraged to wait for the doctor.
“Tell them to get the doctor.” One of my daughters went to tell the nurses I was awake. A nurse came in and I asked her what the report was. She said I needed to wait for the doctor. I asked how long it would be. She said it could be a while before the doctor got here. She had a second surgery. I told the nurse someone needed to get the doctor, get me an explanation, or I was going to keep calling for a nurse. The nurse came back and was about to put something in my IV. “If that is a sedative, you better not, it is against my request.” She did not put the medicine in, but left and called the doctor. It was 20 minutes before Dr. Denise walked in.
I demanded, “So what was the result of the surgery?”
Dr. Denise looked at my wife Norma, then my daughters; “How are you feeling?”
“I can tell there’s a bandage and I have a catheter, and I know it’ll be sore to have it pulled out. You need to tell me. What I want to know is what you need to tell me.”
She said, "There was more to the surgery, but you are going to be okay. I did what was needed as you asked and you're going to be okay. You will need to be here for 3-4 days.”
“So what was the extent of the cancer and my surgery?”
“Mr. G, cancer had spread and I needed to remove more tissue than we expected. Going in, I believe it was still contained in the area of the surgery as planned.”
I said, “If you are trying to tell me it included my other testicle or part of the penis, please tell me and quit the delay.”
“Okay, your daughters and wife know and they will stand by you.”
I asked my family, “Are you okay with what happened?”
My daughters said, "Yes." My wife said, “It is something we will get through.”
I asked if she was okay, but she got emotional and ran out. One daughter went out while the other stayed with me. “So what is it that you need to tell me?”
“Pastor, I am sure you have told others, you need to take one day at a time and give others time as well. The truth is that your cancer was in the other testicle. I took some tissue to see how close it was to your penis. The tests showed it was into the penis stem as well. We checked further and the cancer had not spread any further.”
“So how much did you have to take?”
“My rule is to go over a ¼ inch into the good tissue. I did not have to go into your body, but I did remove your penis as well as the testicles. She checked my bandage as she talked. “Considering it was more than you or I wanted and expected, it went well. I believe we got all the cancer, and I don’t think we need any other treatments at this time. But we can talk about that or second opinions tomorrow or the next day if you want. Do you have any questions or would you like me to explain things in more detail?”
“I am sure you did your best, but can I ask why we were surprised?”
“We found more than what showed up on the tests the doctor had done. It is possible it wasn’t detectable then; sometimes it is just the wrong angle and did not show up. Yesterday’s scan results were as you know lost. They probably would have warned us what to expect. When I got in there it was obvious we had not seen it all. When I explained that to your family, they agreed with your decision to get it all with this surgery. I am sorry and I know it is quite a shock.”
“So if I understand what you are saying from the waist down I have lost my maleness; …well I guess that means I am not a man.”
“You are still a man and between taking hormones and plastic surgery there are things we can do to help you.”
“I suspect there is no rush about such decisions as things won’t change much for a few days.” We visited for a while, then the doctor left and my wife and other daughter returned. It was an hour before they stepped out to eat, and I fell asleep. Nurse Ashley was there when I woke along with a note from my wife and daughters. They stopped back, and found me sleeping, they thought it would be well for me to rest for the night.
Nurse Ashley was again checking my bandages and cleaning me up. I joked, “Well I am not 16 but I got parts of both challenges.”
Ashley with a sense of compassion, “I am sure it's quite a traumatic surprise, but I am glad they were able to get it all. How are you feeling now?”
“I see they changed my IV so I expect I am not eating tonight.”
She said, “It's just liquids for now, but you can have a nutrition drink if you would like.” We made small talk for a while as she finished with the bandages.
“You're stuck with me again tonight,” I teased her.
“Unless you want to request another nurse,” I fell asleep before she left the room. It was 11:30 p.m. when I woke as another nurse was draining my bag. She did not talk, though I tried to get a conversation going. I requested a drink when Ashley came back. She too drained my bag. It was a mixture of blood, urine, and drainage. Ashley was happy I was taking fluids. “The good sign was that there was no sign of infection. I suspect it is just time before the drainage stops.” I found out her sister Jamie was sixteen and having a hard time as a teenager.
I said, "Too bad because if I was a 16-year-old girl Jenny was going to be my first choice of name.”
“I was thinking Jamie as you reminded me of my sister.”
“So now I don’t remind you of her?”
“That is right, you are 60-something, a good pastor, and a man.”
I said, “Thanks for the encouragement.”
“I told you I remembered seeing you as a pastor and I am quite emphatic about you having impressed me.”
I asked her, “Well, what could I have expected if I woke up as a 16-year-old, teenage girl.”
“Well, instead of just needing to heal, you would have a dramatic life change ahead of you. If you were as cute as you are handsome, you would have a whole mess of problems.” We both laughed and visited some more. She shares it would be interesting to see how hard it would be for a male to adjust.
I fell asleep again and woke as she was draining my bag. She explained the charge nurse had checked it. Another IV bag replaced it. She asked if there was something confidential that I wanted to talk about. She seemed more puzzled when I said no. I did complain about being hot and she verified my temp was up but not alarming. The charge nurse started to get on her about staying near my room.
I said, “She hasn’t been in that much, but if my asking questions puts her in trouble, we have a bigger problem.”
“Well, she shouldn’t be second-guessing your case. I do not want her attention giving you any undue alarm.” I questioned about the alarm caused by asking about a temp. Ashley was back in at 1:00. While she wasn’t saying anything, I saw the concern on her face.
I still felt warm, warmer than before. “Not to get you in trouble for asking questions, but what does someone need to do without creating a problem for you to get my doctor called back in?"
Ashley said, “My mother is the best nurse I know, but she works another section of the hospital during the day.”
“If it is not too much trouble could you contact your Mom or I am going to ask for my doctor again.”
She said, “Ask for your doctor again?”
“When I woke up about nine, and I asked that my doctor be called. They said they would if they thought it was necessary."
Ashley called her mother and while there seemed to be a concern; it was suggested that Ashley watch me closely. But as she was going to check my bandage the Charge Nurse came in to do it and excused Ashley. I asked for Dr. Denise to be called. And I asked while the Charge Nurse was there if Ashley could stay after her shift at my request and expense.
The Charge Nurse stated Ashley could stay until they heard back from Dr. Greene. It was 1:30 that Ashley was excused as Dr. Denise was said to be on her way. It was after 3:00 a.m. when Dr. Denise showed up and between the fever and sedation, I was not very mindful of her presence.
It was about 7:00 a.m. when I began to wake, and people noticed a change. There's a time-lapse of 15-30 minutes, and I hear but partial statements: “He's now a…”, “he has continued to lose …”, “She appears to be much younger…” “Things appear to… stabilizing…” “a different person.” I heard my wife’s voice but when I woke up she wasn’t there. I asked, “What has happened?” but it was someone else who was asking my question.
“We are not sure, but there is a change we can’t explain,” said Dr. Denise. “Pastor, can you confirm it is you I am talking to?”
“Who were you expecting “Little Bo Peep?” I heard a woman speaking in my place.
Another nurse spoke in the background, “It would be easier to explain.”
I asked, “Who is talking for me?”
“She doesn’t recognize her voice,” said the nurse.
I spoke up again, “Are you saying this is my voice?” Dr. Denise excused others, but my daughters stayed. “Bob, this will be hard to hear or accept but you appear to have become a young woman. Another strange and unexplainable thing is there is no scar or sign of your heart surgery or your other previous surgeries or injuries.”
Without thinking I spoke up and heard the girl say, “Am I 16?”
Dr. Denise and my daughters were all shocked. “Why would you ask that?”
I hear the woman say, “I don’t know; it just came out.”
“Dad, that would make you younger than us,” said one of my daughters with a bit of irritation in her voice.
“What did your Mom say?”
She said, “It isn’t my husband and I am not raising another daughter. But she will change her mind about the daughter if you cooperate.” The fact I had lost the scar from my heart surgery as well as having lost my penis and testicles made it harder for my wife to accept or believe it was re in the hospital bed.
“I haven’t seen me, but if I am not her husband, neither am I her daughter.” Strangely, I was getting used to the teenage girl talking.
Aubrey asked, “Dad, what made you say, ‘16’? You seem to know something.”
“Nurse Ashley and I joked about which was harder ‘being a 16-year-old girl or a 61-year-old man having this surgery’.”
“That doesn't make sense,” said another nurse.
“No more or no less sense than this,” responded Dr. Denise.
Norma would not come back in and I decided to limit visitors. Dr. Denise talked to me and I am sure visited with Ashley, but Ashley did not come back as I hoped. A psychiatrist, the hospital president, and a lawyer all came to visit me. The latter two wanted me to sign papers stating I disavowed the hospital of any mistakes. I did ask several about the IVs I received.
I learned indirectly, the patient who was to occupy the room after me. Was to have had sexual reassignment surgery and therapy. The hospital stated that the person’s records were confidential and that they had verified that no medicine or treatments between us were confused or improperly used in my case. Unfortunately, like my scan on the day of surgery, some information had been lost in the computers.
Dr. Denise came in late at night to talk to me and suggested I protect my rights, get a settlement, and get away before I became a freak show. I asked if I would be able to get enough to help me get a new life by asking for about $50,000-$100,000.
Denise said I needed to think in much bigger terms and to separate her practice, the other doctor, herself, the hospital, the pharmacy, etc. The next day I asked for $5 million from Dr. Denise, her partner, and their larger practice. I asked for $25 million from both the hospital and two pharmaceutical companies.
During the next two weeks, I was to either be fully a patient or in the extended care unit connected with the GYN department. Visits from my wife had drastically fallen off the first week and came only by phone. She apologized to me through a note that she was grieving the death of her husband without the benefit of a funeral. The hospital officially reported for the benefit of my wife and churches that “Bob ceased living on the twelfth of July.”
My daughters Aubrey and Beth continued to visit and stayed in communication with me. But both increasingly felt a tug of loyalty to their mother and the fact our connection was limited to pemories.
I settled for $2 million apiece from the two doctors and $12 million apiece from the pharmaceutical companies and $15 million from the hospital. I threatened way more and plenty of embarrassment if it went further. Out of the $43 million, I gave some $10 million to my family with the stipulation that the amounts not be challenged. I gave $12 million to designated medical mission programs over ten years, and the remainder to cover taxes, go into a non-profit foundation, and myself.
It was near the end of that week, I realized I needed help in making my transition. It was Friday when I asked to go out of the hospital and realized I needed a name and clothes for a girl. I asked Dr. Denise, if she, Ashley, and I could meet somewhere for lunch. Ashley helped me to dress as the girl I had become. Ashley was the first to realize I had dressed as a girl before. It had been some time, but yes I had dressed as a woman before in secret.
However, this time when I slipped on a bra; I could feel my breasts going into them. I felt like a girl putting on panties. I wanted to wear jeans, feeling it would be awkward to wear a skirt as I wanted to. Ashley said, "The skirt would remind you to walk and behave like the girl you've become."
The skirt wasn’t very short, but neither was it as long as I hoped. It showed the shape of a young woman, which I privately enjoyed. Ashley helped me with my make-up but we kept it simple. Ashley, Dr. Denise, and I did some banking opening up three accounts of $150,000 each in different banks. I quickly had great credit as well as three different platinum gold credit cards. My two trusts were started. The next stop was at a beauty salon, where Ashley helped me to find the image of a new me appropriate for a 16-year-old teenage girl. I had no idea what I should look like apart from my daughters and wife.
I wanted to change my hairstyle from the simple ponytail I had while in the hospital. I also requested shaping my eyebrows. Ashley and Denise were surprised by how it greatly the hairstyle Ashley chose, changed my appearance. I was loving my feminine look. We were off to the mall shopping for new clothes, I could wear. The clothes I chose for me were noticeably different from my immediate family.
Ashley and I both stayed with Dr. Greene that night. I decided to stay there until I found a home or found a living arrangement. I felt overwhelmed with being a young woman. Once I broke down crying that I needed a family and time to grow up as a girl. We talked about my living possibilities, but Dr. Denise was withholding something until I insisted. She shared about her sister’s family. There were two parents, and two daughters: All who were as pretty as they were nice. The youngest, also named Denise, was about my age, maybe a year older. Carol was in college and lived at the college most of the year.
Medical tests indicated no continuation of changes or signs of transforming back to my male self. I realized Dr. Denise had mentioned her Sister’s name at one time, where they lived, and niece Denise’s last name as Miller. So I went in search and called them on the phone. “Mrs. Beth Miller, I am one of Dr. Greene’s assistants and she wanted me to call and confirm your thoughts on Marcia coming to live with you.”
She said, “I talked with Denise just this morning; I had talked with my girls and Ed and we would like to give it a try. …We hope it will work out and she will want to stay with us. Do you know if she would be willing to use our name? If she is willing, we can receive her informally into our family without much fuss. It will be interesting to have someone with so much knowledge and yet so little experience in being a girl. Do you think she will be interested in that?”
“I am sure she would, I am very touched that you would open your house and hearts like that. What if I... she disappoints you?”
“Can I ask who’s calling me? What is your name? ...Is this Marcia?”
“I am sorry, I was just worried that no one in their right mind would take me in and now I shoot myself. I am sorry, I understand, I blew it. I should have trusted you and Denise. Now I am going to lose the one possibility I had.” I was trying to hang up when I heard.
“Marcia, Marcia please relax! Are you still there…” I acknowledged I was, “You and I need to meet so you can relax, and we can get to know each other.” I did not know it but Beth had texted Denise and she had just come in and was now behind me as we talked.
“I am not sure if I should be angry with you or…” Denise hugged me, and I felt like a little girl being comforted instead of being chastised.
“Let’s get packed, I think we should get you to your new home sooner than later.” It was surprising how much I had collected as a girl of 16. And surprised at how little I had from my life as a 61-year-old man.
I had a lot of memories and was proud of my ministry and happy with my life, especially my family. I was not taking things from my past as they would be hard to explain.
I slept at Denise’s last night. When we flew out it was like leaving one life behind and beginning anew as a girl. I thought as we went to claim our luggage, I still had two hours before beginning a new chapter of my life.
Then there was a voice and a person with an appearance similar to Denise’s but a generation younger. A young Denise was upon me, engulfing me in a warm hug. “Hi sis, I hope you don’t mind boys looking at you,” she said.
I asked, “Why do you say that?”
“Aunt Denise says you’ve been a Tomboy, but I say tomboy or not, the boys are going to find you very cute. My experience is that some girls find the attention a bit hard to take.”
“Your Aunt is right; I am not used to boys giving me attention. I guess I am not very used to being a regular girl. My parents and I were in an accident; they died, and that was just a couple of weeks ago, I kind of woke up to being a girl. I remember a lot of things, but I was usually around adults. I feel grown-up, but with little experience being a girl.”
Denise said, “Mom says she knows things about you from Aunt Denise. She thinks we will all have fun as you grow in being one of us. Have you gone out with a boy before and been kissed?” I couldn’t believe it, but we were just getting into the car at the airport. Mr. Miller would be driving Carol’s car and Beth Miller, Dr. Denise, Denise, Carol, and I would all be riding together. Beth saved me from Denise’s last question telling her to let me rest.
Carol asked, “She can rest after answering the questions.” I sat between my two sisters as we pulled out in the car. If I was a sixteen-year-old boy, I would have thought I was in heaven. As it was I was sixteen, a girl with two sisters and something told me it was still like being in heaven because I was kind of their sister.
We were no sooner on the road, away from the airport, and Carol began to pull off her bulky top. I am sorry, but that airport was way too cool and now I am too hot. Dr. Denise turned around to see Carol, and Denise and to watch me. Carol is not only a very good-looking college girl, but she's well endowed. She had a shiny lightweight top to replace what she was wearing. The new top also had a nice low-cut front. “So what do you think?” I was sure the question was pointed to me, though I wasn’t exactly sure what she was asking. “I am sorry; I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
“I am not so embarrassed by seeing you as I am surprised that you are treating me like one of the family. I am embarrassed that I seem comfortable with me.”
“What happens if Denise or I pop into your room as sisters?”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
We were home and Carol took me by the hand and pulled me to her room. “You will be sharing my room while I am home for the summer, especially while Aunt Denise is here.” Denise and Carol both had gotten out their shorts and a change of tops. They were soon down to their panties and bras.
I gulped as I was opening my suitcases and was looking for a pair of shorts. I had taken off my skirt when Denise and I both saw my period had started. Denise recognized it right away. I, on the other hand, was amazed and wondered if it was part of my surgery.
“Aunt Denise, Marcia’s having her period and she is acting like something unusual is happening.” Aunt Denise showed up with a smirk on her face. Beth too was there bringing a towel for me to sit on.
Dr. Denise explained I had some minor surgery and probably was unsure of what was happening. “Marcia, it seems to be your period returning. I suggest you take a shower, clean up, and use a napkin as we are not sure how strong they will be for now. You will just need to relearn your body schedule.”
Denise spoke up, “Your period is just starting so maybe we can compare notes later.” Everyone else thought that was funny, I lightly giggled but was not sure at what. Denise took me by the hand and showed me to the bathroom she shared with Carol. Without thinking I stripped down and was pleased when Denise shared I was cute with no need to apologize for how I was endowed. I thanked her and almost hugged her.
She, in turn, embraced me, “It’s okay we are a hugging family and it will take more than a little period to scare me off.” I sat, went pee, and then jumped into the shower. Denise had stayed in and we visited. She helped to dry my hair and brushed it out as I dried the rest of mine.
“You are pretty, but you seem uncomfortable with that. I am not going to push, but I would like to be your sister, and if you ever want to talk about things I would like to be here for you.”
“I would like to be your sister too, but as you can see I am having trouble stepping into my new life. It is like I am blest to have a neat family who loves and accepts me. I don’t see how I can be cute and have a period at the same time.” I begin to cry, and Denise wraps her arms around me.
She sat me down and continued working on my hair. She powdered my panty before I was to put it on. “Would you like to use a napkin or a tampon and a shield?’ “I’m not sure what you think?” “Like Aunt Denise said, you’re not sure what to expect so I suggest a full-size napkin. I will get one from Mom’s bathroom.” She got two, one to be kept in my purse for later. Then she handed me one of her shirts. It was just a little snug but I looked great in it. “That is one of my pretty period skirts. It makes me look nice when I don’t feel so pretty.”
While I was with Denise, I felt pretty. Aunt Denise was taking me for a walk. It was a new experience having cars slow down as they passed by. Something Aunt Denise made sure I noticed. “What are you going to do when one of those cars stops and a guy asks you out?”
“More importantly right now is, how long can I expect this period to last? Were the cramps I felt this morning from the plane ride or being a girl?” Aunt Denise smiled and commented on knowing what was important. Carol and Denise drove around as they wanted to take me shopping. I got a nice pair of sandals as well as one for every day. I got some running shoes as I was told we would be out and running in the morning. I got a few feminine care products as well as something to help with the cramps. I was ready for a nap when we got home. Beth told the others to help Aunt Denise in the kitchen. Mom Miller wanted to talk with me.
“My sister shared about your situation and I can’t say it is easy to believe, but two things I know and a third I hope to know soon. 1) I can trust my sister to be honest with me; 2) If she were to lie to me, she would have made a more believable story; 3) she says you are one of the nicest people and soon you will hopefully be my third daughter. If you were 61 and are now 16, I am afraid I will more than once be intimidated in telling you what to do. But since you are a 16-year-old girl living in our house you will be treated like a daughter.”
I told her, “I have had my daughters, so I understand your rule. I will try my best, but between so many changes and mood swings that I have experienced, I hope I am not more bother than I am worth. I am not sure what I should call you, but if it is okay to call you Mom or Mother, that would seem to go with Denise and Carol calling me Sis.”
"What would you as Marcia like to call me and why?”
I don’t know where it came from, for I didn’t see it coming; I quickly choked with tears and said, “Part of me is a sixteen-year-old girl feeling like 10 and I am afraid you will be offended or think I am a creep if I call you Mom.” I broke into tears crying as Beth’s warm arms drew me in.
“I will be honored to be your Mom. Denise said there’s a little girl in there and it does my heart good that you are comfortable with me.”
“You will be staying in with Carol for now, if it is alright with Carol. It will be in your room until she is home for the holidays. We have a guest room but I would like to keep it as such and for my projects.”
It was lunchtime and while I had a small sandwich, I was busy listening to others all the while trying to stay awake. Mom asked Denise and Carol to show me where to nap. Denise pulled her mattress into Carol’s room, and put on sheets, a couple of pillows, and a comforter. She gave me a girly nightshirt and encouraged me to keep my panties on.
I was soon ready for a nap but she said there were things to do first. She took me into their bathroom and helped me clean off my makeup and then helped me to pin up my hair. She let me go to the bathroom on my own, but when she asked about my napkin, we decided I needed to use a fresh one. She saw puzzlement on my face. You are right that it is too bulky to flush, so she showed me how to wrap and dispose of the old one. She handed me a tampon and a panty shield, they might be just a bit more comfortable and effective as you sleep.
She had me lying down and handed me a doll and kissed my forehead. I looked at the doll wondering why she gave it to me. I drew it to me and snuggled my cheek against it as I turned on my side and was quickly asleep. Carol shook me awake and asked if I rested well. “Was Penny any bother as you slept?”
“How did you know her name was Penny?” Carol looked in amazement as the name I had chosen for my doll was the name Carol had given to her many years before. “I named her Penny because of that saying a Penny for your thoughts.”
“Wow, you remember old sayings; I think you’re going to be a fun addition to the family.” Mom and Aunt Denise were both amused as Carol told them about me and my doll Penny. Aunt Denise and I went to check my bleeding. I thanked her for sharing her family and finding me a home.
"My sister and her girls have quickly taken you in. I credit that to your spirit. You seem more like a willing participant instead of a bitter victim."
“It may seem strange and even creepy to some, but it is like an answer to prayer. I always thought it would be neat to be a girl/woman. I liked the tenderness, and pretty things, and wondered about giving birth or nursing a child. To me being a girl seems way more exciting than hitting a home run or scoring a touchdown.”
Denise hugged me and thanked me for sharing. “It takes more than you can imagine, I hope you know you won’t be living a dream, but real life.”
We were out running in the morning when Aunt Denise waved goodbye as she passed by on her way back to the airport. I stopped in my tracks but was engulfed by my two new sisters. Denise shared “She is special, but the good news is she's your Aunt and you will see her again.” I was sad because I had selfishly gone off running, presuming Dr. Denise could wait until I got back.
Denise asked about my period which was now down to a spot or two. Mom had put out a pair of short shorts and I put them on without a fuss as it was a hot day. I was planning to stay at home. Two friends of Denise’s Angie and Sue came over and I was asked about going to play miniature golf.
It sounded like fun and the girls said it was more fun as doubles and I readily agreed. “Your teammate will be the guy you are with. I think his name is Jeff. He’s Matt's cousin so if you are nice to him maybe he will come to visit more often.” Denise and the others enjoyed my expression that guys were involved.
Denise told me to grab my purse as we needed to get going. I shared I needed to change clothes, but Denise smiled and said there was no time. “But what will he think when he sees me like this?” Angie said, “If he is a red-blooded guy he will be very pleased and he might even thank God for answering his prayers.” I didn’t think that was so funny, but I knew it was probably true. Matt was a guy that Denise often dated and he was and I quote “a hunk, athletic and with a good head on his shoulders.”
Jeff, in contrast, was about an inch shorter and not readily available as he lived over 20 miles away. We rode in Angie’s car and drove around the arcade/miniature golf course once, making sure the guys were there. We were over five minutes late. I had pointed out a parking place the first time around, and Denise told me to relax and not get my pants too hot.
While the other girls had on either shorts or jeans I was the only one in short shorts and it did not go unnoticed. Matt quickly came to Denise and shared “I guess I should have known your sister would also be hot-looking.”
He introduced Jeff who kindly asked if he could hug me instead of shaking my hand. His warm body from standing out in the sun and his strong arms caught me by surprise. I felt a bit of electricity go through my body.
We played as one foursome and the other girls and guys did the same. I had automatically reached for a longer putter, one more appropriate for Bob. Between noticing my painted toenails when I looked down and being on a date with a guy, my concentration on the first few holes was not good. It was the eighth hole when I finally had a good shot that went in the hole. I quickly turned around and gave Jeff a big hug and a little kiss before I realized what I was doing. I apologized but Jeff joked and said he hoped I continued to hit the ball so well.
The next hole I had a tough shot that went in. Jeff suggested I shouldn’t jinx my streak as he opened his arms for another hug. This time he returned the kiss. Denise suggested I should redo my lipstick so I would leave a mark if I had another good shot. She did her lips and the two guys had no less than three marks each by the end of eighteen holes.
Matt thought it was cute for Jeff to be decorated. He was surprised that Denise had done it to him. Jeff wanted to hit golf balls on a simulated driving range; I agreed to watch but Jeff insisted I try to hit some. Jeff had a nice swing and I needed some instruction.
I tried a few times just listening to his directions, and then he came behind me and did things from holding my hips in place to helping me in bringing my arms back and drive through properly. I had been the one once or twice who did that. Now a boy was doing it to me.
I could smell the scent of musk knowing that he must have showered earlier. He had just enough whiskers I knew it was a guy’s face next to mine. I liked it and wondered if I should or not. I am truly Marcia and this is now normal.
Jeff took me over to a concession stand the woman in front of us had two small children and one could not see to order and did not want his mom ordering for him. I picked him up and held him resting him a bit on my hip. He looked to see who was helping him and being surprised he said “Wow”. I suggested he choose what he wanted.
Mom said they couldn’t get too much. And then we found out six moms had come to take out their children but did not realize how much things cost. She explained their husbands were deployed overseas. I turned to Jeff and said I know we would be honored to help you have a good night.
I asked Brian what he wanted. He got a big pretzel and a medium Coke. He wanted a large one. Jeff bought it for her other child. I phoned Denise and the whole group chipped in to help out. Mom shared that the women were leaving in about 15 minutes and we coaxed them to give us and their children an extra half hour.
We got the guys to help out by taking the kids and their moms on rides. I went and talked to the arcade manager about the moms and kids and their dads being deployed.
He made things at half price. I bought 100 tickets and we distributed them through the group. Come the time the moms needed to go, the manager asked if there was anything else he could do and we suggested a little keepsake like a tee shirt or stuffed animal. They did that and gave each mom a complimentary pass good for them and their husbands when they returned home.
Tears were flowing all around. Susan Brian’s mom asked for one request from me. Could you kiss Brian, he thinks you are his princess. I redid my lipstick and when Brian came over I gave him a big kiss on his cheek. “Thanks, Marcia! Mom, could you take a picture of it that I could send to Dad?” Jeff joked he was jealous.
The manager thanked us and everyone agreed it was a great night. After we were alone I took Jeff’s hand and walked about ten feet away. “I want you to know I think you are really special and I thank you for sharing tonight.”
With that, I stood on my tiptoes, placed my arms around his neck, and gave him a big kiss. If a first kiss is supposed to be memorable, this one was. Jeff lifted me, spun me around, and gently set me down. I had not experienced hot pants until that moment. Denise brought me back to reality with a piece of ice down my blouse. The worst thing was it caught in my bra and melted before I could get it out.
We stayed there until 11:00 but everyone was worn out from helping the families and having a good time doing it. Denise and I were taken home by Matt and Jeff, and Mom permitted for them to stay awhile at the house.
Though I was still tired, I got up at 6 a.m. and went to the kitchen hoping to see Mom. “So young lady, what has you up early?”
“Mom,” I started speaking at least three times.
“Whatever it is Marcia, I am here for you, and starting with ‘Mom’ tells me you trust me and whatever it is, it’s important to you.”
“But it’s silly and stupid. I feel like a 12-year-old, girl.”
“You haven’t had the benefit of growing up as a girl, so don’t be hard on yourself. I would not put up with anyone else calling my daughter ‘stupid’, and putting yourself down is not acceptable. Please just start anywhere.”
“There were just too many girl moments; I am not ready for them. I kissed Jeff, and it got me hot. I helped a mom with a little boy and I was holding him up and perched on my hip as a girl would do. Brian thought I was a princess and he wanted a kiss to remember me. There was more girl stuff than I thought I would do in a year. What kind of girl gets all hot and damp on her first date?”
“From what you said and I heard last night, you had quite a night. Don’t be sad or surprised when most are not that exciting. You impressed your sister, Jeff, and others by being so down to earth and a beautiful girl in the best sense of the word.”
“Denise was honored and so happy that you helped Susan and Brian and then invited her and Matt to help out. …I suspect when you went to kiss Jeff you were both surprised by what it became… MY simple comment would be don’t, apologize, or feel bad about it. My suggestion would be to enjoy it and be thankful it happened.”
“I feel silly to put upon you as a mother.”
“Come here and let me give you a big hug. It might seem silly to Bob, but you’re Marcie and you had a night of a lot of firsts. You were darling as a real-life princess to a little boy, and the first kiss of a boy who touched the passions of a 16-year-old girl. Honey, I guess this is why Aunt Denise suggested you be part of our family.”
I buried my head in her hug and cried like the girl I felt. “Thanks, Mom.” Denise came into the room, “You should be proud and happy with yourself. I guess you surprised yourself when you kissed Jeff. Would it make you feel better if I told you I was jealous?”
I began to laugh as I turned to receive Denise’s hug.
The phone rang and Denise tried to hand the phone to Mom saying Auntie is on the phone, but I grabbed it from her. “Hi Sis, I am glad you could be there for Marcia.”
“Hi Aunt Denise, I am glad you have me here. I have been a little boy’s princess, kissed a boy, and had a big girl cry on my Mom’s shoulder.”
I gave the phone to Mom and I am sure Aunt Denise was totally confused about who was talking but so happy we shared the events with her.
Denise and I knew Mom needed to talk to her sister freely. Denise realized I was still shaking, told me to come with her. I was worried about what her mom would say, but I was rattled and Denise was in “Big Sis” mode. She pushed me into a warm shower and helped me get ready for a new day by helping me with my hair and make-up.
To Be Continue
Your comments and communications are welcomed and greatly appreciated. They have been helpful and influential over the months I have posted stories at BC
…“Hi Aunt Denise, I am glad you had me here. I have had my first period, been a little boy’s princess, kissing a boy and a big girl cry on my Mom’s shoulder.” … I gave the phone to Mom and I am sure Aunt Denise was totally confused about who was talking but so happy we shared the events with her. … Denise and I knew Mom needed to talk to her sister freely. Denise realizing I was still shaking told me to come with her. I was worried about what her mom would say, but I was rattled and Denise was in “Big Sis” mode. She pushed me into a warm shower and helped me get ready for a new day by helping me with my hair and make-up.
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Denise had laid out an outfit for me to wear; the skirt, bra, panties, and hose were mine and the blouse was hers. I was dressed and back sitting in Denise’s room when she gave me two books and told me to go read. The books were “The Red Tent” by Anita Diamant and “Three Cups of Tea”, the latter I had already read. She exchanged that one with “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen.
I took “The Red Tent” not knowing what it was about and Denise snickered. Mom will have you read both and more. You should be able to have a good start before we go shopping. I told Denise I already had enough clothes. “See how much you have yet to learn about being a girl. Who said everything is about you anyway, go read.”
Mom saw me walk into the living room with the book and asked about Denise. “She's just finishing getting dressed,” I said. My face turned red as I realized I had been visiting with her as she was getting dressed. “She gave me this book and told me to go read, saying we were going shopping.”
“We will go shopping sometime today, but I will be talking to you about chores. I want you a bit more active in the family and house.” She asked if I wanted some iced tea and we both sat reading for a while.
As I began to get the story, Mom smiled at me when I looked up. I realized I could count on two hands books where the primary focus or heroes were women. I had considered myself a fairly open-minded man and pastor. Now I realized my vision was narrower than I had thought. Even though I had been given an honorary membership to the Presbyterian Women’s group by one of the churches I had served.
Mom was doing a crossword puzzle and asked me a few dated questions: “Who else was shot when JFK was shot?” and “The woman figure skater who brought back a gold medal after other women skaters had tragically died in an airplane accident?”
I told her “Governor Connelly and Peggy Fleming respectively.” We talked a little about events that happened when she was growing up. The most memorable being the explosion of the space shuttle where the astronauts died in. After that, she when was in school; she worried about teachers she liked dying in an accident.
We visited and I learned about her growing up having been quite accomplished in academics, athletics and music, and the arts. Mom had become a nurse and one of the early Physician Assistants with a specialty in trauma/emergency care, having graduated from the University of Pennsylvania.
Carol was now a student there in computer science and would be beginning her second year come September. Denise was sixteen and beginning her junior year. While Carol was very smart and excelled in the arts including music and drama, Denise was even a stronger all-around student. She was particularly good at basketball, but it was running that she loved. She was already interested in becoming a doctor or a medical researcher.
Ed, my new dad, was coming into the living room with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. He held his own being an accomplished design engineer and architect. He was a handsome man 5’ 11” and as Mom said a good guy’s guy. Dad and I became close but he did not know my story, except that it was a bit contrary to what was known. Mom had told me she was not sure if he would not have problems with me being a sister to his daughters if he knew the full story.
Breakfast was a sit-down meal on most Saturday mornings around 8:00, and today it was followed by chores. I got to help Mom with the laundry, Denise took care of the dishes and kitchen and Carol and Ed were working outside. Those three were done in ninety minutes, but Beth and I were busy all the way to noon. Carol and Denise did help me to learn how they folded and hung the laundry.
It was not all new to me but the Millers did things a bit differently. I did not have as much experience in handling women’s clothing. Denise and Carol saw it in their interest to help me learn, Carol said, “I can see that you really were a tomboy.”
Denise told me to change and get ready to go shopping. When I said I was ready Denise said, “You need to take a shower and change. You are not trying on clothes like that.” Again I shared I didn’t need to get any more clothes. “Next Friday we will go to the shore for a good vacation. I hate to think what a tomboy from Iowa will wear to the ocean.”
“I’ve been to the ocean plenty of times” …I paused in the thought that it had been decades since I went to various beaches as a boy growing up. Fortunately, I had the ability to spin a good story on the spot. “I didn’t get to enjoy it much with my dad in the military, we move often. Besides being shy and plain in appearance I found being at the beach quite uncomfortable.”
“With all due respect to your folks, you are no plain Jane. Aunt Denise said you might not be eager to shop. She was sure once you start, you will do quite well.”
“What else did Aunt Denise say?”
“She said deep down you are a princess waiting to blossom.”
“Yeah, and how am I to blossom in your shadows. I love you two but I get an inferiority complex following in your footsteps.” …“I would have had it tough enough just being Carol’s little sister, but you somehow rose above that and now I will get to be a wallflower standing next to you in school.”
Mom had entered the room and was upset that we weren’t ready. She had also caught my statements and our conversation. “Your Aunt Denise and I thought about you two being that close in age. She pushed your birthdate forward so that you will enter school as a fifteen-year-old. Thus, you will get a chance to cast your own shadow.”
I said, “That’s not fair in Iowa I would already have my driving permit and now I will have to wait a whole year more.” Mom smiled, knowing I couldn’t speak up and say I had already been driving for years. “Young lady you already have enough to learn. Between your hormones coming alive and how much change there has been in your life, I am in no hurry to put car keys in your hands.” Mom told us to pick up our purses and get to the car.
It was true enough my life was spinning and moving real fast with many changes. The next thing I knew we were at the Mall and I was holding a two-piece swimsuit in front of me. “Mom you’re embarrassing me.”
Mom said get used to it, she had just begun. She called a saleswoman over and introduced me as her new daughter and asked for me to be measured so we could better determine my clothes sizes. The saleswoman looked in disbelief that I could be so old and not know my own measurements and sizes. I was not a size 4 or 6 like Carol and Denise, but Mom said if I watch what I ate and ran with Denise for exercise I could be. Presently I was ranging from a 7-8.
Mom suggested that Denise go pick out 2-3 swimsuits in those sizes for me to try on. “If I am going to wear it, I don’t mind Denise’s help but I would like to pick them out. Denise and I had no trouble in picking out some nice swimsuits. We just had trouble dwindling our selection down to three.
I was trying on my first suit when I looked down and yelled “s**t” and was lucky Denise heard me and not Mom. I was getting a bit too lax with my language not being a pastor anymore. Pastors do cuss now and then as well as know some things more likely to be said in a bar than a church, but they do not usually say them especially in public.
I pointed to the bottom of my suit and Denise began to laugh. “You need a bikini cut down there.” Not only was I quite embarrassed, hearing the thought was a bit displeasing as the alternative was to buy suits that covered too much for my growing female ego.
We found 10 suits between ourselves that we rated by which we like the most as we tried them on. I had a brown two-piece that was nothing special, but I had a memory as a prior teenager of a girl that made it special by how she filled it out. When I tried it on, Denise said, “I am surprised, it looked plain but when you wear it, I think heads will turn heads. You know you help make the suit.” I gave a smile and said thanks.
I chose another light blue two-piece swimsuit that went with my blue eyes. Then Denise selected a red suit that would become a “Sisters’” suit. I tried one on next alongside her and Mom agreed they would look very nice and in good taste. Mom bought one for Carol.
Come three o’clock we had already put a good dent into the mall’s inventory, had a light yogurt snack. Then Denise took me by the hand to Victoria’s Secrets. We had been there for a while and while I wanted the look, I was back to being ignorant about bikini-style fashions. Denise discretely talked to the salesgirl about me being a tomboy who was having a visible problem with my hair with little time before going to the beach. The salesgirl got on her phone with a smile called the salon in the mall. I could be squeezed in for a bikini shave or waxing if I wanted it. I took hold of her hands as she said, “I have a sister like you and the gal I talked to is the one who helped her. I would even be willing to walk you over and introduce you if that would help you to be comfortable.”
“I’m embarrassed, I don’t like being treated like a little girl,” I said.
“Jessie, my name is Connie,” she said. “It’s not always easy being the younger sister, it’s okay being you. If you don’t want to do it today you don’t need to say ‘No’ just ‘Yes’ if you want the appointment. I will go with you if you want.”
“Thanks, Connie, ‘Yes’ I am willing to take the appointment, I guess it’s time.” I picked up the three panties I wanted and smiled as I wiped away my tears.
Denise called Mom to share we were delayed with a trip to the salon. Mom asked what she talked me into and Denise giggled as she explained. I expected Mom to stop her, but she didn’t. I went and had to change into a short skirt that provided a little dignity as I move about.
Connie went with us and introduced me to Monica. Monica had Denise come back with me. She asked if was to be a shave or waxing as she took us into a private room. Monica allowed my Mom to approve over the phone. Monica asked, “What kind of bikini waxing do you want and (she started to name the possibilities) French, Brazil…”
“The America style,” I said without thinking. Denise looked at me in puzzlement. “Don’t blame me it was in some fashion magazine at Aunty Denise’s.”
I loved the light fragrance of wax and the feel of her spreading it. Twice a pinkie finger touched the lips of my slit sending waves of emotions through my body. My loose hand grabbed and got Monica high on the leg. I didn’t squeeze or seek to get fresh It was warm, soft, and smooth as my hand rested like it was a security blanket. Monica wanted t make sure no wax was on my extra sensitive tissue. It was my fault as I had moved my hand to feel the area.
The pulling of the strips of wax was not too bad as there was something that numbed the skin in the wax. Monica brought my hand from her leg to feel where the wax was removed. The smoothness was super and my remaining hair had been trimmed back. As I tried to discretely move my hand over the area, Monica lightly said, “It is okay to feel good about it.”
She took me by the hand and led me back out to the salon, while we have you here I have an opening and would be happy to do your hair for two-thirds the price? I looked over to Mom and she said, “Yes, It will give me time to run an errand and pick you up later."
Monica led me to her chair and section and we got started first with shampoo then conditioning and reviewing a selection of styles. Denise was there pointing out two selections she thought most appropriate for going to the ocean soon. I went with one that gave my hair some nice waves and would be easy to take care of as well as attractive.
She had my hair in large rollers and then under the dryer to help them hold. The man who I had been was alive in my heart as were my family. But the girl I am holds no resemblance to that man. Each day I am more the girl I see, God forgives me but I am enjoying my new self.
Monica was brushing out my hair, using a little to help them hold. I looked up in front of me and Denise was sitting in front of me shaking her head ‘No’. Another woman was painting my nails so all I could do was wonder what the ‘no’ was about. I took consolation that she was smiling.
The woman was finished with my fingers and moving to my feet when she softly suggested I close my legs. As I did, Denise’s smile grew and she now shook her head up and down. I remembered that coming from the waxing I was not wearing panties.
My toes were dry and my trip to the salon was coming to an end. Monica led me back to the private room to allow me to finish getting dressed. She gave me a package with a new pair of white cotton panties that she suggested I wear for the remainder of the day. I was completely dressed save my shoes when Mom and Denise came into the room. I twirled, raised my hands and arms, and joyfully said: “It’s nice to be a girl.” They both gave me a nice hug. Denise thought I meant not being a Tomboy, but Mom knew better and said nothing.
Mom shared it had been a long day and she wasn’t cooking. Dad and Carol would meet us at a restaurant. I paid my bill and left Monica a nice tip, as she would become my beautician. It was nice to have a credit card as an option to pay something with no hassles.
Dad had chosen a nice restaurant to treat Mom. He shared he had received a bonus and was enjoying his work. When we met them at the restaurant we were seated at a reserved table and the maitre de and Dad helped each of us women to be seated. It struck me to be unusual for me to be one of the women and receiving compliments on being a pretty young lady.
It was seven-thirty as we were ordering and a pianist was playing. Aunt Denise had suggested I try new things, like foods that Bob, might not have liked. Being back East I decided to order fish. I ordered a shrimp salad to begin and lemon white fish. I was pleased when I found myself enjoying a broader selection of food. Between a good lipstick and Carol’s suggestion just to dab my lips lightly with a napkin, I managed only one stain from my lips.
Mom and dad had ordered an after-dinner drink and Dad took Mom for a dance. I thought it was cute and romantic until a young man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to dance. It is my nature to automatically say yes, so I found myself dancing when I did not intend to. Marty was a nice enough young man. I had noticed him look over to me earlier. We had two dances and when I was escorted back to the table, Mom and Dad were back but my sisters were now dancing.
It was close to ten when we arrived home. I was to experience a new tradition, new to me. Denise and I got to model the clothes we had bought including our new swimsuits. Besides enjoying trying on the clothes, a new revelation was I needed to get out in the sun and tan before we went to the shore.
I was now tired and ready to sleep, but I could no longer just undress and jump into bed. One bathroom had a double sink and Denise allowed me to work on my face side-by-side. It was good as she gave pointers as well as picking up things my untrained eye was missing. I cleansed my face and used a moisturizer. I turned the posts of my new earrings.
“You’re funny to watch Jess; you act like a young girl who finds all this special. I know you were a tomboy, but there’s a glow that says you really enjoyed today.” We first squeezed hands, then giggled and hugged. Then burst some flood gate and I began to cry for no reason.
Denise called Mom and they helped me to change into a pair of teddy bear pajamas before we went out to the living room to talk. Denise said, “You would think you were a man the way you're not used to expressing joy.” Mom looked at me as I silently confirmed to Mom that is what happened as I cried again, but inside I smiled and laughed.
After I relaxed as I talked out to the living area. Mom suggested I read a half hour before getting myself to bed. When I laid down my body felt different and I found myself exploring my new shape and the idea of being able to wear bikini bottoms. I was also exploring my body’s sensitivity to touch and find out what was pleasurable. It wasn’t orgasm as I stopped, but what I felt was more than just pleasure.
I didn’t know how much noise I made until Carol came over and hugged me. She suggested sometime we could talk or explore together. Right now she had a problem that demanded she takes a late shower alone. I don’t know if all the sisters are like this. It was foreign to me and my brothers. Much of what we learned was learned individually in private and not discussed between us and much of that from other friends who knew little.
It was funny that after her shower Carol was out with me reading a magazine. I joke that she couldn’t find something more serious to read. They showed me it was a professional magazine on the latest computer program applications.
Before we got to bed Carol had pulled out an old computer and set up a new program and applications for me. She even wrote a half dozen friends on my Gmail account and introduced me as her new sister and she asked them to befriend me. She introduced me to three websites for teenage girls exploring their womanhood.
It was embarrassing when she asked if my virginity was intact and I couldn’t answer her. Come Saturday I asked Mom what time church services were on Sunday. She explained, “Well Jessica, we’re Methodist but I don’t know when your church has services.”
“It’s okay Mom, I plan to become a part of your church; what time are the services?” They hadn’t been to church since their former pastor left in June and was not sure of the church’s summer worship schedule. I asked, “Do you mind if I went to church? It had been long enough and I feel like I need to get back to worship again.”
“Either I or Denise will need to go with you as our church is over two miles away.” I put a little jab in about being able to get my driver’s license at 17. She jabbed back and said that was 1 ½ years away; if you are good and lucky.
Beth took me off alone and we visited. “Aunt Denise thinks you need a home and time to grow into being a young woman. She’s afraid and I agree if you don’t take the needed time to grow and become Jessie. You may end up being a boy in a dress with a lot of money that can’t buy what you want deep in your heart."
It may not seem fair, even with that utterance of Staci about being ‘16’ as you begin this new life. But I am not having you and Denise in the same grade and take my attention away from her. In another year she will be in her senior year. I love you and accept you as my daughter, but I don’t think it would be fair to either of you nor to me to have you in the same grade together.”
Denise is ahead of you in being a young woman, going to school, and doing her studies. She has goals that she has been working toward.
I was proving to be a bit stubborn, as Jessie. I was enjoying being a girl but thought that 61 years had made me mature and ready to be 16 or even a high school graduate. Aunt Denise and Beth now my Mom, felt unless I planned to live on my money, which I said I wouldn’t. I would go down in flames living as a normal young woman in today’s world without taking time to grow into being me. I indeed had been seeing things through simplified lenses.
Beth went on to say “Education has changed enough, even in how we see science and society. That I decided it would be you following Denise. I do not want nor am I willing to accept that you and I are going to be sparring over something invisible to the rest of the family. You may have some years of experience that I do not have, but I am going to be the parent in this situation. I hope you and I can visit and joke about some things when we are alone. I need to know that you understand and accept your place as Jessie and how it will be with us as your family.”
I began crying and being worried over my place in the family, with tears in my voice I said, “I not only accept what you are saying but agree that as Jessie I am rightfully where you have me. It is just hard to accept it is something I need more than I understand now. I hope my mood swings can be chalked up to being a teenage girl, as some of it is really hard to adjust to.”
Dad came into the room asking if there was something he could do. Mom had him sit down and shared there was something she needed to share that she hadn’t said before. My anxiety level shot up. Mom said, “Jessica happens to be a late bloomer as well as being a shy tomboy. She shared the changes in hormones were being harder for her to handle than she expected.”
Dad hugged me and asked me not to be offended but that was more than he wanted to know, even with his biological daughters. I chuckled as I knew quite well how he felt. =^..^=
Bridgette came back over later; Denise, she, and I laid out in the sun in the back yard.
Nattie, a little girl who came over from next door was not a problem that came when her younger brother Mitch showed up. Denise was suspecting a bigger brother Joey was lurking around somewhere. Denise went into the house to get some sun tea but came back having caught Joey spying with a camera in hand. Joey was 12 and had a camera phone.
Joey yelled for his mother which might not have been the smartest thing for him to do. His mother came out of their house and over to our yard. She asked what had happened. Bridgette explained and Mrs. Lee, checked Joey’s phone camera and she was upset but quietly suggested an idea to Denise and asked if something would be okay.
Some twenty minutes later she returned with Joey in tow hiding behind her. He was now sporting an old swimsuit of his older sister. Denise helped put some tanning lotion on his back and Bridgette laid out a towel for him. His mother left saying he had to stay at least 15-30 minutes until the girls said they were tired of him.
Joey was first lying on his stomach and paging through a girls’ magazine. After 10 minutes we turned over and he did too. Twenty minutes later when we were turning again, Denise said he could either go or stay and play Frisbee with her. He chose Frisbee, seemingly Denise and he had fun doing that before. They were both pretty good and Joey seemed to have fun. Joey again apologized to all of us before going home.
We stayed home to eat but Bridgette, Denise, and I joined two other girls to go out to the movies. Some guys wanted to join us but Bridgette suggested maybe after the movies. There were mostly girls at our flick and the guys ended up going to an action movie.
The other girls felt freer to enjoy the movie without the guys around. It had been a long time since I had been to a movie as a young person. They anticipated who might cry or joke as we had fun with one another. The big surprise for me was my own emotions and tears. More than once Denise and I were holding hands at the same time.
I had bought a larger Pepsi and popcorn than I would finish. Brittany giggled, “Were you thinking of dating one of us?”
Brittany stayed the night but left before Denise, Mom, and I went to church. Dad and Carol would join us for dinner out, but we got delayed at church. Denise saw a senior boy she liked and I liked the guy trying to hit on her. The fellowship group was gathering that night and we were invited. I agreed to go but it was for the wrong reason, a guy named Vic, standing at 6’ even. Patrick planned to be there so Denise was interested as well.
Mom and Denise both liked the church service as they had a new pastor and the sanctuary was fairly full for August. Pastor Larsen was not only a good preacher but spoke like a person you could approach and would be interested in knowing you. I asked about the possibility to visit with her late Tuesday morning, she said she would call and confirm that the meeting that would work.
After dinner, I went with Carol to visit one of her friends who was a single parent. I enjoyed visiting with the three of them but Dana’s 5-year-old was distracting so I went to play with her. Toni did not have a lot of things like some girls but she took care and loved what she had. I found myself enjoying my time acting as a young girl with her.
I canceled going to youth fellowship and stayed with Toni so Carol and Dana could have some time together. Carol hugged me like I was doing something special. I did realize it was special for Dana to get away with another adult. She said she usually had either enough money for a babysitter or doing something but not both.
Carol told me, Dana was good at a lot of things like sewing and painting. She suggested I trade babysitting for lessons. I told them tonight was free but I would consider bargaining with Dana. It was 11:30 before they were back. While I had Toni bathed and ready for bed by 9:00, Toni had fallen asleep on me and not in her bed as Dana had asked.
Even when I carried Toni to her bed and laid her down, she continued to cling to me. I kissed her on the forehead each time I unclasped her hands. She snuggled with a stuffed kitty. I asked Carol if Dana could bring Toni to the ocean overnight while we were there. Carol said it was a nice and sweet idea, but we would need to check with Mom and Dad before asking Dana.
I was surprised by how much I enjoyed playing with a little girl. When we got home I quickly got ready for bed with a light nightshirt and panties and taking my make-up off and caring for my skin and hair. Denise said I missed a good time at the fellowship meeting. They would be having a couple of workdays with Habitat for Humanity in the city while we were at the ocean on vacation.
Mom said she and dad would visit about the possibility of Dana and Toni coming for an overnight. Denise patted me on the bottom saying it was a good idea. She snapped my bra and asked why I had it on. I confessed to being embarrassed that my breasts showed through the pajamas. “What’s someone going to say to embarrass you that they are pretty,” asked Mom?
Denise taught me how to take it off without undressing. She was surprised I didn’t already know it. I thought it was neat to know.
Our community is the county seat, and it has a good number of visitors. I wasn’t surprised when I found several nice gift shops one “The Fife and Drums”. As I was going in I notice they had a sign for part-time help, so I looked around and enjoyed the store before I asked about the part-time job.
The women who were running it were also the owners. They had heard there was a new Miller girl and were happy to meet me. They asked me about running a register and wrapping gifts. I said I had wrapped the family gifts and did a good job but probably needed to improve. They gave me a cup of tea and showed me around. I saw a nice jewelry box I liked and while I could buy them cheaper this one was nicely made and unique.
They were not disappointed that I was going on vacation as they were looking for some young people for when school started back up. They were going to hire probably three students so one or two could be off as needed. I wasn’t to have friends distracting me while I was working that included calls and text messages. They would hire me if I could come on Wednesday to be trained a little.
Mom was surprised I had sought to work since I had more than enough money. I told her I want to be like other girls getting some money to shop and save like a normal girl. Mom and my sisters knew the shop and weren’t surprised I got hired. “They will usually know quickly if they want you or not but they don’t usually share their decisions that fast.
Bridgette was over to see me as Denise was over some of her friends’. Bridgette asked if I ever played racquetball saying she liked to do it to stay in shape and release stress. I had two decades ago, but my skills were diminishing then. So I said I would like to give it a try.
Both the Y and a nearby college had some courts. We put on swimming suits and shorts and went to play. It was hard to look like I never played before. Something in the change of being a girl makes things so different. I actually have some different skills as Jessie and more natural talents. When I talk to Aunt Denise, she suggests maybe in some unknown way I am now the person I was supposed to be.
She and Mom agree with my memory and experience I use to be Bob, but that there also seems to be a sense that Jessie is a new person.
I am getting into setting things aside or packed for the trip. I am spending more time out back getting tanned. I prefer it to a tanning booth or chemicals. I do use sunblock not to get too much sun. Running in the morning is now getting to be fun as is aerobics on other days. Denise and I are getting pretty close as sisters but do not want me to do everything with her and her friends.
There are a few guys I have met and others I have seen in passing and hope to meet in the future. I am surprised by how I am growing to like guys more and more and their attention to me. I am thankful for Mom and Denise (Sis) who help me to keep relationships in focus and not overreact to my hormones.=^..^=
We were set to leave our home and travel down the interstate from Philadelphia toward Atlantic City. They targeted a beach about 20 miles south. Mom handed me a letter that appeared to be from Aunt Denise but really was from my oldest daughter.
Hey Dad and young Lady,
"I have not been reading your letters, as well as resisting in communicating back to you. I was moved when I finally read some and then all. You have not forgotten us and have been steadfast in remembering us. I thank you for writing. You will soon be a grandfather again and I carry in my heart that you will be there in spirit. I will send pictures through Denise"
"When I relax and allow myself to think of you as a teen girl, I think it must be quite a change. Dr. Denise has told me she has permission to share things like you are a functioning young woman. How was it for the shoes to be on your feet when you wear heels or have your monthly visitor? Lol"
It is not funny that you are no longer with us. Two of your brothers are skeptical about what happened to you saying you would not have had yourself cremated. But everyone seems to be moving on in the reality that you are not here."
"Sorry, while I will read your letters, I would not want you to try visiting me and my family at this time. Will, there be a day, I hope so but I make no promises."
"If you ever want to write me girl to girl, woman to woman, please write to me as a cousin and maybe I could enjoy that or even exchange telephone calls."
Love,
Sophia
Carol was miffed that I would not share the letter, but she rose above it and hugged me, and said we could talk about things in general terms. Mom suggested I read something light so that I can take things in. The family enjoys singing as they travel. We exchanged between our parents and us in what songs we sang. I was singing along quietly when they encouraged me to sing louder.
Bob was an unusual pastor with a so so voice. But they were hearing Jessie with a nice voice if not a naturally nice voice. Mom likened me to Carol King when I sang their songs and Carol said I was like Cheryl Crow when I sang today’s songs.
The trip went fast; we were staying in a hotel suite until our bungalow was ready for us Sunday night or Monday morning. We unpacked most of our stuff and the three sisters changed into swimsuits, shorts, and packed beach bags as we headed for the beach. It was just over a block away as I followed my sisters closely. They found a spot with plenty of people our ages around us. They quickly had their towels on the sand and were taking their shorts and tops. I was watching the guys around us and Denise was smiling at me.
“Take your time and let me enjoy the guys watching.” We both giggled and I teasingly took my time taking my shorts and t-shirt off. I had glimpsed around and winked at two guys in particular. We were putting on a tanning lotion with a 15 sunblock rating. Carol and Denise just naturally helped each other to put lotion on their backs. When I said aloud, “Who’s going to help me?” I had three guys who were up quickly volunteering.
I chose to hand my bottle to a guy who looked about a year or two older than me. Yes, he was a fox, but not necessarily the best-looking one. When he finished I took the bottle back and started down on my towel. Carol suggested we swim a little before sunbathing. Denise called out to the guys around us the last one in the water is a loser. Over a dozen people were up and racing for the water. I dove into a wave a bit late as the wave was breaking and ended up tumbling around under the water.
I rammed into a guy named Shane, who helped me to my feet and held me saying another wave was coming. “Don’t you know how to dive into a wave?”
“I need to find a guy who can give me a refresher course,” I quickly responded. We walked out a bit further and he showed me a wave further out and suggested we dive into it. We got a small run and dove successfully into the wave properly. But when we came up I found out the bottom was further down than I expected. Shane and I exchanged names and he asked if I was going to the dance tonight.
Denise called to tell me, I was to locate the bottom and learn the water before I started flirting. it was a family rule. I did so and then was back up to my towel reading. It had been over a decade and a different life since I had been to an ocean beach. But when Denise asked me to walk the beach with her it was like I was back home.
There is something special about walking on a beach looking out and seeing the ocean as far as I could see and know there was more of the ocean and the world beyond my horizon. A dot, I had seen earlier was now a ship, but a tanker or passenger (?), I wasn’t yet sure. Once I saw an aircraft carrier, but now military ships did not hold the same allure.
Denise was talking, but now I heard a question coming, “Jessie can I ask if the letter was from someone in your past?” I thought if or how I would answer.
“Yes, it was from a young woman I knew back in Iowa, she was special and precious to me and always will be, but after the accident, we drifted away. She wanted me to know she still thinks of me,” I said.
“So will you two arrange to see each other sometime?” I paused and was full of emotions and thoughts when Denise continued; “You do want to see her again don’t you?”
“Yes, Denise but there are things that don’t make that so easy or likely any time soon. I am happy for the letter for the time being.”
“How badly were you hurt by the accident,” she asked?
“My whole life changed, I lost my family and now end up being in a new family. If a man wished he had married another person, does that mean he wants his daughters and sons not to have been born?” We stopped and I looked at Denise, “It’s only been a short time but how could I turn the clock back knowing I would lose the family I have now. Even who I am has changed because I am part of this family. I like being a girl and a sister.”
I had misspoken and Denise caught it. “Dah it’s not like you weren’t a girl before and what were you an only child?”
“I told you I was very shy and a tomboy; I had brothers but I wasn’t treated nor did I act like a sister.” Denise wanted to continue the discussion, but I said enough. "I just want to be with you and enjoy now."
She hugged me and said, “I’m glad you are my sister and I am glad that won’t change.”
I asked if she wanted to get back with her boyfriend or who she was interested in as a future boyfriend. “Right now I wouldn't mind falling in love with a guy for the week to be hugged and kissed. Then go back home and to school and wish the same.”
“Denise, you don’t want the guy of your dreams for all times?”
“You’re kidding aren’t you?” Denise went on, “I’m just going to be a junior in high school. I want to go to college and major in Medical Research, hopefully at John Hopkins which will at least require a Master’s degree. What are the chances of that if I meet the guy of my dreams now?”
I couldn't help but think I wasn’t as mature in my thinking.
When we got back Carol had another girl with her and they had more guys around them. We needed to save our older sister, lol. More likely I needed to take some lessons from her. We went back to the hotel and Dad said no to the dance, there is one somewhere every night. Tonight we will go up on the boardwalk and be a family.
“You don’t need to walk with us all the time, but we will have some time as a family as well as enough times for you three to enjoy being young women,” said Mom with dad agreeing. Dinner was nice as I now had grown a taste for seafood.
It is fun to be on the boardwalk in New Jersey when the lights are on. It’s an atmosphere of color, lights and so many sounds of fun.
Come Saturday, it was the whole family down at the beach; we did have two beach umbrellas to enable us to get some shade as we planned to be out most of the day. While Mom and Dad would not permit any inappropriate teasing on our part; they were amused by the attention their daughters naturally attracted.
Early on Carol had determined she wanted to be on her own as much as possible. She was looking to find old friends from years past or make new friends she might pal with. Kate was with a group of two other friends but until meeting Carol was the third cog in their group.
Denise and I enjoyed the ocean and the sun during the morning and into mid-afternoon. When Pete approached Denise and Shane followed hoping to be with me. It would be welcomed on my part but I wanted, if possible, for the four of us to be together, not me alone with Shane.
We were asked again to go to a dance tonight. Mom and Dad were already planning a night alone together and we sisters looked forward to our first free night at the shore. I thought to wear a cute sundress, but Denise and Carol both suggested a blue mini-dress I had left behind. Denise had brought it saying the tomboy needed to break out of her shyness.
I picked out the appropriate satin bra and panty set and my breasts filled out the bra. It shimmered like pearls. I had not noticed how nicely my hips and grown and filled out my panties. I slid my hands down and around my hips. I pulled the mini-dress over my head and my arms through the short sleeves as the dress continued down my body and took shape. Denise zipped up the back and hooked the top. “Take it easy on Shane Sis. I don’t think you are used to looking this hot.”
I looked in the mirror and could not believe the hot girl looking back at me. My tan helped to set off my appearance in the dress. I quickly saw a new problem, “Carol, can you tell me what to do with my make-up? I am not used to working with a tan.”
“Smart Sis, it does change your appearance; I suggest a silver-gray for your eyes and your sapphire and silver earrings and necklace. Both were modest as they added to my look without taking over. I felt good about myself that even in the presence of my beautiful sisters I was attractive myself.
Carol was the first to leave to join her friends and Denise and I went to the boardwalk to meet up with Shane and Pete. We met up with them and the first hour at the dance was great, but it also dropped a clue. Shane was attentive and complimented me with words and looks. He’s an excellent dancer, and I enjoyed myself immensely.
But it was the first night of the NFL* exhibition games and Shane at times checked on the beginning of the game. Come to a break by the band the guys took us closer to the TVs, and as the night wore on, they were wrapped in the game. It was a memory flash seeing girls dancing together. But, it was not because the guys didn’t know how to dance but they were wrapped up in sports.
At first, Denise and I danced together as did other women, then we danced in larger groups. I took a break and found myself visiting with Jasmine, a pre-med student at John Hopkins University. She was to begin her junior year despite just turning 19. She was taken back that I was supposedly only 15, I was too thanks, Mom and Aunt Denise.
Jaz asked me to dance again but it was a slow song. I said thanks but no thanks as it wasn’t my style. She responded I am not a lesbian either, but I like to dance and it would allow us to continue to talk. I took her up on her offer and we enjoyed two slow dances before it sped back up.
I got back to dancing with Denise but found Jasmine still on my mind. It was 10:30 and I was hoping the game would soon be over or I was going back to the hotel. But we had told our parents we probably wouldn’t be back until 11:30 or midnight. Denise had found a cute guy who was not into sports so I was either dancing with Jaz or sitting back at our table.
Jasmine too was bored and asked if I would mind walking with her along the ocean. We both had strapped sandals which we took off and were able to walk at the edge of the water. Between the cool water that trickled over our feet and the moonlight enabling us to see enough, it was a good time.
We did get a few catcalls from the boardwalk derogatory about us being lesbians but neither of us was being phased. Jasmine shared she didn't really know of lesbians until she went to the University. Her first roommate was a lesbian and it helped her to experience a lesbian friend in a healthy and personal way.
I commented, though I didn’t know for sure it was true at the time, that our school had a few female and male students who were openly gay. It allowed us to comfortably visit. I was more interested in learning about her love for medicine and hope to be a surgeon.
When I apologetically said I was interested in being a nurse, Jaz knew I felt inferior compared to her. “Jessie you do well to get over your complex of discounting yourself. You’re a smart cookie as well as compassionate, I think it could very easily be a good fit for you.
We had turned around and were walking back to the dance when we were getting the catcalls once again. I had not noticed we had been holding hands until Jaz said, “How about we give them something to see?” Without much hesitation we turned to each other smiled and gave a short kiss. Were we responding to our hecklers or one another when we followed with a longer more passionate kiss? We both stepped back saying we didn’t mean to.
We had walked a bit further without holding hands when the same guys began to approach us. “Hey b*hes, we don’t like your type here. We don’t like hitting girls, but we’re ready to make an exception.“ Jasmine pulled out a whistle and blew it. It drew attention from the boardwalk. The guys continued to approach us and we both got defensive. I knew where to kick and Jaz knew Tae Kwon Do. Two guys hit the ground. We too got hit, but the police were soon there to break it up.
The guys were dumb enough to hit the police back and continued to run at their mouths. So we weren’t hard-pressed to make our case. The police were upset that we walked the beaches at night alone. We finished the rest of our walk on the boardwalk.
Denise was a bit miffed at me as she had been waiting to go home. I apologized but she took compassion on us seeing and hearing we were attacked. I said goodnight to Jasmine but didn’t know anymore to say. We did exchange cell numbers.
On our way back to the hotel I asked, “Denise what should I say to 'her' parents?”
Her response was simple, “The truth, but you might want to check your make-up and lipstick.” She drove the point home lying was not acceptable and they were ‘our’ parents.
It was a bit after midnight when we got in and might have been in trouble if Mom and Dad did not realize I already had some. One, Denise had called back earlier to see if I went home on my own. One of my cheeks was still read from a hit. Dad was already on the phone with the police.
Mom was taking care of my scraped knee and cheek. They listened to my story and added a lot of what-ifs. Overall they were happy I was safe and hoped I learned something. They asked about Jasmine but with no tone of judgment. Mom did say she and I would talk more in the morning.
I was sharing the same bed as Denise but went to sleep on the floor when my attempts to sleep met with a lot of anxious turns and restlessness. Denise joined me on the floor and hugged me and encouraged me to cry. I felt hurt and scared from the attack, but it was guilt from my kiss with Jaz that disturbed me the most. After a good cry and a short talk, we both slept okay.
I drifted off to sleep realizing being a woman just got a bit more complicated.
To be continued...
*NFL the premier American football league
To Be Continued
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