A sensitive boy is gently asked to crossdress to allow his mom to go on an 'all-girls' minivacation to a National Park. Soon after arriving at the hotel McKenzie is read by a girl who gives him a mixed message. The park is a big place and he hopes he can avoid her for the rest of the trip. Will McKenzie be able to pass as a girl when out hiking?

Part 1 -
I was thinking about my Mom as I dragged myself home from school. I should have been happy - this was the start of a long weekend for my school's Fall Break. Instead I was concerned. For months now Mom had seemed really down, and I wished I could do something, anything, to cheer her up. Aunt Karen and my cousin Kaylie also were concerned about Mom and had been spending a lot of time over at our house. I didn't mind the visits. Kaylie is my age, and we have a lot of interests in common.

I suppose being close friends with a girl cousin is unusual for a boy my age, but Mom thought it was delightful. She often remarked that I seem a bit intimidated by other boys my age because of my short height and slender build. She seemed to be encouraging my hanging out with Kaylie, even when seemed to be doing girlish things. Dad, when he was around, thought otherwise. He was always irritated whenever I failed to measure up to his macho expectations. He especially hated the fact that Kaylie and I took piano lessons together. Fortunately for me, he is in the military and has been deployed most of the time since I started school. My role models while growing up have been Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie.

My heart sank as I came through the back door of our house. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table crying and Aunt Karen was standing with her arm on Mom's shoulder. She indicated I should sit down and be quiet.

"Kaylie will be here soon," my aunt whispered.

I sat at the table dreading whatever news I was about to get. Just then the door opened and my cousin rushed in, looked around, and gave me a hug. I wanted to ask what was going on, but my intuition told me that this would make Mom cry more, so I waited, Finally Mom collected herself and looked up.

"You father, the pompous, self-important, war-hero Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark, called and said he wants a divorce right now. He admitted he has been having an affair throughout his last deployment, and now wants to carry on with his war-bride girlfriend." Mom paused wipe her eyes. "I know I should have seen this coming, but the rejection ...."

We all sat around sharing tears and hugs. Eventually Aunt Karen asked, "Did he say anything about McKenzie?"

Hearing my name made me look up. It was supposedly an old family name from a great-grandfather on my Mother's side, but McKenzie is also becoming more common as a girl's first name. My name was another thing that annoyed my father. Once Mom told me that I was born while he had been on deployment and she never consulted him about names.

Mom looked up. "He wants a new family. I asked if he had considered his son. Is response was 'You can keep that sissy faggot -- he will never be a soldier anyway!' McKenzie, I know this hurts, but the truth is that your father has rejected both of us." We were all crying together again.

Eventually things calmed down and Aunt Karen took charge. "Carol, what you need is to get away from this house. You love the outdoors. How about a girls' outing to Bryce Canyon National Park? It will be fun; sun, beautiful scenery, and you will be away from the reminders of that man who shoved his ego into you life."

"A vacation sounds like what you need, Aunt Carol," Kaylie chimed in.

"Yes, Mom. You need to be cheered up. Do it!" I added. As the encouraging comments continued from my aunt and cousin I realized Aunt Karen had said 'girl's outing.' How was I going to fit in?

Finally Mom smiled for the first time since I had gotten home. "Yes, that sounds like what I need. A relaxing trip, free from men. . Just fun times for us girls. Karen, it will remind me of when we were in Girl Scouts together. Those outings are my fondest memories from growing up."

"Can I go with you?" I finally had the courage to ask.

Mom, Karen, and Kaylie all turned toward me. "Forgive me for not thinking, Of course, I want you with me this weekend, I guess the next best thing to a girl's outing will have to be three girls plus one ..."

"McKenzie, I have a favor to ask you," Aunt Karen cut in. "I proposed a girl's outing, and you mother was enthusiastic. How would you like to do her the biggest favor imaginable?"

"What do you mean?"

"McKenzie, dear, you have always been gentle and sensitive. You really fit in well with girls, and ..."

Kaylie cut in on Aunt Karen, "Yes, McKenzie is always hanging out the me and my girlfriends at school."

"Wait, Kaylie. I need to ask McKenzie something important" She looked at me very seriously. "Could you pretend to be a girl for a couple of days so you mother can go on an all-girls trip? A female adventure is what she needs to recover from a bad relationship with that disgusting man."

I didn't know what to think. I wanted to do whatever I could to cheer mom up, but this sounded absolutely weird. I enjoyed chilling with Kaylie and her friends, but never considered myself to be one of the girls. I would never be able to live down being caught doing this. I saw Kaylie trying to suppress a giggle. "I don't know. Would you like that, Mom?"

Before Mom could answer Aunt Karen cut in. "Please, McKenzie, do it for your Mom. I am sure everything will work out."

"Wow, making McKenzie into a girl for the trip sounds like fun."

"Don't tease, Kaylie. I have asked McKenzie to do something very special for your Aunt Carol."

"It would be nice to revisit our Girl Scout days, and share the experience with our children," Mom said faintly.

"Mom, if it makes you happy I will do whatever you want, and ..."

"Marvelous," Aunt Karen cut in. "Now dear, we will not expect you to go overboard. No flamboyant outfits. This will be an outing to a national park with sightseeing and trail hikes. For times like that girls wear practical clothes, and that is all we will ask of you. But, I will expect you to act like a real girl. That shouldn't be too hard, you have been spending a lot of time with Kaylie and her friends anyway, and I have even noticed you picking up a few mannerisms. We can all coach you along."

At this Kaylie could no longer restrain herself. "I guess your Auntie will not be putting you in pretty petticoats for a while yet, cousin, but maybe someday. Since your father thinks you are a sissy faggot you can return the favor by acting like one for your Mom."

"KAYLIE!" Aunt Karen shouted. "You cousin is doing something wonderful for his mother's sake. The least you can do is be supportive. Now apologize."

"OK, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have teased you, McKenzie. I promise to be supportive and help you learn to be a girl on the trip."

"And where did you get those ideas about petticoats, Kaylie," asked Aunt Karen in a stern voice.

"McKenzie and I were digging though some old books in the library once and we found a Victorian story about a little boy whose aunt made him wear petticoats and play with dolls. We both looked at the story, and ..."

I had to say something fast. I did not want her to say anything about how much I enjoyed the story. That day she had watched me read it twice before putting the book back on the shelf. "Kaylie, I accept your apology, Let's be friends."

She looked up and our eyes met. "Great, I always wanted a girl cousin. It will be fun to do this together."

"Let's all go over to my house tonight. It will get Carol away from the Master Sergeant's junk that is still here, and McKenzie can try on some of Kaylie's clothes. We can finish packing and head off very early tomorrow morning. It's a long drive."

That evening the conversation and assignment of dinner chores made it seem like they were already treating me as a girl. Afterwards I was ushered into Kaylie's room and Aunt Karen pulled open the closet.'

"Fortunately you and Kaylie are close in size so we have a lot to work with. Now, let's see. How about a pair of cute boot-cut jeans? They have a nice design on the back pockets that will make your behind look more feminine." She glanced at me standing uneasily, "Sorry, dear. I don't want to embarrass you. This should be a fun chance to explore a different side of your wonderful personality." Holding up a distinctly girl-style western shirt she continued, "Perfect, nice lines and the color of the plaid almost matches your red face, A cowgirl look will be perfect - lady like, but practical for hiking and not too outlandish for a boy. Try it on. Now let me find something a bit more dressy to wear if we go out to dinner."

Kaylie was sitting on her bed looking amused. Meanwhile, I was slowly relaxing and starting to enjoy learning about options in girls' clothes. "Is this going to really work? What about my hair?"

"Kaylie, find that clip-on pony tail you got for cheerleading. I need to see if the hair color is a good match on McKenzie. If not she can wear a cap to cover between her bangs in front and the sporty ponytail. McKenzie, don't fidget. You need to get used to female pronouns. Kaylie, get your pink princess nightgown for McKenzie. She will need something pretty to sleep in."

Mom wandered in and smiled. "McKenzie, you will make a wonderful girl for the trip. Turn sideways, dear. Karen, don't you think McKenzie will look a bit more convincing with some, you know, shape on top?"

"Well, I was not going to push her, but now that you mentioned it, maybe. Kaylie, do you still have any of your training bras, or did you throw them all out?"

"Anything for my cute girl cousin. I think I still have a few" Kaylie rummaged through her drawers and came back holding something frilly.

"McKenzie, take of that cowgirl shirt and your ugly boy undershirt. Let's see if this one fits. Don't be embarrassed undressing, it's just girls here."

Nervously I did as asked. Having my bra straps being adjusted by my Mom on one side and my Aunt on the other was an experience I never imagined before today.

"Marvelous," exclaimed Kaylie. "I found the matching panties too."

"She can wear those, but I think a girl like McKenzie will also need some extra help 'down there' to make sure that girl-style jeans fit properly. Carol, do you remember the TV show where a crossdresser was explaining how he tucked then wore two pairs of really tight panties? Why don't you show McKenzie ..."

This was going too far. "Remember I watched that show too. I can figure this out." I grabbed the panties and headed for the bathroom. After a bit of struggling I had everything pushed into place and my tightly fitted jeans back on.

I could see all six eyes focused on my vee as I came back. "Perfect! Totally convincing." Everyone seemed satisfied except me. The feeling was not exactly comfortable. "Now we need to show you how to walk and wiggle your pretty rear end," Aunt Karen added.

What followed was a crash course in feminine walking, sitting, and holding my hands. Aunt Karen or Mom would ask Kaylie to do something that I was expected to imitate. I tried to be a good sport about all this and made a real effort to learn.

Finally Aunt Karen called it quits. "McKenzie, just remember what you have been practicing and imitate Kaylie. No one will suspect you are a boy underneath."

Kaylie couldn't resist. "You are really good at this. I guess something rubbed of from all the time you have been spending with my friends at school."

"Tomorrow we can fix her hair a bit and add a touch of makeup. Nothing fancy, just what Kaylie usually wears," Mom added. "Does Kaylie have any magnetic earrings? Some accessories would be a nice touch, but I obviously don't have time to go to the mall and get McKenzie's ears pierced tonight."

"Mom, this girl stuff is just for the weekend!" I protested.

Mom pulled me into a hug. "Dear, I was just joking. I know you are a boy, but you are pretending to be my daughter for a weekend. That shows how empathetic and sensitive you are. Don't worry - no one is going to make you do something you do not want,"

It was getting toward bedtime, and it had been an emotional day. "McKenzie can sleep on the bunk bed in Kaylie's room. I am sure they will behave; after all they are first cousins. Besides, we will all be in one motel room tomorrow night."

Kaylie was carrying on with girlish chatter as we got ready and climbed into our beds. "You know, sleepovers are a big part of growing up as a girl. Enjoy the opportunity. Making you into a girl is going to be lots of fun."

I started at the wall in the dark. What had I gotten myself into and how would this adventure end?
****************

Well before dawn the next morning I got up and started putting on the clothes that Aunt Karen had picked out the night before. Kaylie watched closely and made sure I had everything right. While Mom loaded the car I was given the final touches. Karen and Kaylie took great delight in fitting me with the fake ponytail, combing my hair into bangs, and adjusting my cap with the ponytail extending above the adjusting strap behind. This was not the end. Magnetic earrings went on my unpierced lobes with a warning not to lose them. Next came some pale pink lipstick and a hint of blush. Kaylie pushed me back as I started to get up.

"Your nails look awful for a girl. We can't make them grow, but at least I can file them and put on a coat of polish," She quickly went to work. "I'll be done quick, Mom, McKenzie can learn to hold her hands properly and let her nails dry in the car."

I was still holding my hands in midair as the car headed up the ramp and accelerated onto Interstate 15. It would be several hours before we crossed to Highway 89 and then took Highway 12 to Bryce Canyon. This gave me plenty of time to worry about whether I could really pass as a girl. Meanwhile, Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie chatted about both the scenery and exclusively girl topics like romance novels, chic flicks, and fashions, They kept trying to pull me into the conversation, but a lot of the topics were unfamiliar. Kaylie pulled out a copy of Cosmo Girl and handed it to me. "Here, you can read up on what interests other girls our age."

I actually found some of the articles interesting. Maybe I was more of a girl than I had expected. Anyway, after a couple hours I started regretting having both juice and coffee with breakfast. Not only did I have to go, but I realized that I was going to have to use a public restroom. That was not something I had prepared for. Maybe I could sneak into the men's and use a stall for privacy. A moment's reflection told me that would not work. Even if no one noticed my shirt buttoned right over left and my tight-fitting jeans there was the matter of the ponytail, earrings, and nail polish.

My thoughts were interrupted by Mom's announcement that we would take a rest break at the next exit. To my relief, she pulled into a Maverick store, a popular chain in the area. I knew most of the older style Maverick stores had a single, unisex restroom, which usually meant a line, but would make things much easier for me. Fortunately I was right. As we waited Kaylie whispered in my ear, "Be patient. Waiting in line to pee is part of being a girl. Grin and bear it."

Finally we were all done and had gotten another round of drinks and snacks for the next leg of the trip. I was amazed by the morning sunlight on the cliffs and changing leaves as we headed east on scenic Highway 12 toward Bryce Canyon park. The enjoyment of the scenery was countered by the increasingly urgent need for another rest stop. I asked if we could pull of at a roadside rest area, since most of the forest service areas also had unisex facilities. Unfortunately, the first one we passed was closed for construction, and we missed the turnoff for the Red Canyon Visitor Center. Mom told me to be patient; we would be there soon,

Finally we arrived at Ruby's Inn, the huge hotel and restaurant complex just outside the National Park. Mom stopped in the registration parking at the front entrance. I couldn't wait any longer and jumped out of car. I dashed through the rustic doors and spotted the 'restrooms' sign over the hall straight ahead. I didn't wait for Kaylie who could have offered me some etiquette guidance and moral support. Instead, I ran down the hall, turned left, pushed through the door at the end of the side hall, and rushed into first stall I saw ahead. I pulled down my jeans and panties, sat down, and finally let go.

As I relieved myself I suddenly realized I was in trouble. Looking through the crack around the door I saw that across from the toilet stalls there was a row of urinals. In my rush I had either not read the door signs, or my urgency had distracted me from choosing the one appropriate for my appearance. Fortunately, I seemed to be the only one in the men's room at the moment. Maybe I could sneak out without being seen.

Just then a crowd of high school age boys piled in. At least I was still in the stall where they couldn't see me. Then I realized I was wearing a pair of Kaylie's brightly colored running shoes with pink laces. These would be a giveaway if any looked under the partition. I pushed the cuffs of my jeans down over the shoes the best I could, pulled my feet back under the bowl and waited, nervously.

Finally they left. I pulled up my jeans, and rearranged my cap to sort of cover the clip-on ponytail. I stuck my hands into my pockets to hide my nails, listened again, then dashed out. As I entered the hall I saw the ladies' door on my left. I guess I had missed that turn on my way in. Just then a girl my age came out the women's restroom door and momentarily blocked the hallway ahead of me.

She continued to block the hallway as she checked me out head to toe. There was really nothing I could do. I hoped Mom, Karen, or Kaylie would come around the corner and rescue me.

"Hello, cowgirl. Cute outfit, those fancy jeans really look good on a boy."

"W... What do you mean?"

"Don't try to deny it. I watched you run like a boy when you dashed through the front door. Besides, you just came out of the men's room. So, tell me why are you dressed in girls' style jeans and shirt? Pull your hands out of you pockets, real girls don't stand like that."

I pulled out my hands and saw her smile as she saw my bright red nails. "Please, don't make fun of me. I am only doing this because my Mom needed cheering up and ...."

"Your Mom is cheered up by this?"

"It was my Aunt's idea. She wanted to take my Mom on an all-girl outing, and ..." Her eyes rolled as I nervously related my story.

"OK. No teasing, but it seems weird for your mom to ask for this. And I can't imagine any boy I know going along - you must be special in a way, or maybe the other way." She pulled back and checked me out again. "You have potential, ask your mom to give you some more lessons in being a girl. What's your name, cowgirl?"

"McKenzie"

"My name is StacyLyn. Now that I know your secret you have to be nice to me, or else." With that she turned and headed into the main hall.

I followed a few steps behind StacyLyn, and to my relief I say Aunt Karen and Kaylie heading toward me.

"You mother is finishing up at registration and we need to freshen up. Are you all right? We were concerned when you dashed in alone. You haven't had much experience in public and it would have been safer to have one of us with you. "

I reassured them that everything was OK, but decided not to mention the incident with StacyLyn. This was a big tourist place and I figured that I would not see her again. I decided to wait in the main hall while they went into ladies' room. I had been read once already and did not want to be read again as a nervous boy intruding into space reserved for females. I had survived a potential crisis, but now someone outside the family knew about me. As we walked back down the main hallway toward the entrance I had a chance to look around. The place was a combination of an old-west rustic lodge and a modern tourist hotel. Massive wood beams, high ceilings, hunting trophies mounted on the walls recalled the local ranching and wildland heritage. Overpriced paintings on the walls and the General Store full of souvenirs indicated a more commercial side of this place. I was looking forward to a walk in the park. I needed some space to calm myself back down.

We drove from the hotel to the park visitor center so Mom could pick up a hiking map. While I was admiring the big telescope in the lobby I spotted StacyLyn standing outside the auditorium entrance. Luckily, she did not seem to notice me, and I quickly turned and started toward the information desk where Mom was just finishing up.

"McKenzie, what do you want to do? We can leave for a hike now or watch the park movie in the auditorium first."

Guessing that StacyLyn was in the auditorium my answer was obvious. "Hike now, Mom."

"OK, we will go all the way around the loop on the Fairyland Trail. The Ranger said it is long but really popular."

Fairyland Trail, I thought that was probably an appropriate name given how I was dressed. Just then Kaylie came over and joined us.

"Given your urgent needs when we arrived at Ruby's Inn I think you better let me escort you to the ladies' room before we hike. You know, it is really inconvenient for us girls to go behind a bush."

"Kaylie, stop teasing your cousin," Aunt Karen responded. "But she is right, McKenzie. Go with her. Remember that girls always wash their hands and check their makeup in the mirror. Relax, act natural, imitate Kaylie, and no one will notice anything unusual."

With that we headed around the corner toward the restrooms. I glanced at the skirted figure on the door sign as we went in.This was the 'right' one given my appearance. Inside I saw a crowd of Asian tourists chatting in a language I didn't understand. Good, I thought, at least I won't be able to understand them if these women notice anything and start talking about me.

"Now be sure you sit down in the stall," Kaylie said in a voice loud enough that I hoped none of the Asian women understood English well.

I did my business, washed, then checked myself in the mirror. Kaylie smiled and handed me a tube of what looked like lipstick. Actually it was labeled as 'sunscreen with a hint of color.' Trying my best to act natural I touched up my lips and gave it back. She smiled approvingly.

We headed out of the Visitor Center. My doubts remained as we headed to the shuttle bus staging area. I doubted I could pull this off, but I was not going to hide in the woods while they hiked. As I climbed into the bus I noticed StacyLyn coming out from the visitor center. It must have been a short movie. At least we were not on the same bus. I sat down and flicked my ponytail free so it would have a nice bounce. I had no choice, so I better act the part.

The bus was mostly empty and being away from the crowds helped me start to relax. Part way there I started to worry again as I thought about spending several hours on the trail. I knew we would encounter many other hikers on the trail, and I wondered if they would notice my boyish walk Mom must have guessed what I was thinking.

"Don't worry, you look OK. People will be looking at the scenery, not at you."

Kaylie couldn't resist adding, "Besides I know a lot of tomboys who look and act less like a girl than you do, pretty cousin."

"Kaylie, stop teasing her. Remember, McKenzie, the three of us will be right with you for support."

Mom decided to get off the shuttle at the first overlook for a quick view, and then take the next bus to the Fairyland Trail. The delay at the overlook must have been when StacyLyn and her family got ahead of us.

To be continued.

McKenzie is enjoying the park when he sees StacyLyn with her family on the trail ahead. Will she out him or be nice?

Fairyland Trail - Part 2

Here I was, getting off shuttle bus at the trailhead and dressed in girls' clothes. Everything I had on from the pink baseball cap covering my clip-on ponytail to my brightly colored shoes was functional but distinctly feminine. I had agreed to do this so that my mother, Carol, could have an all-girls minivacation with Aunt Karen and my cousin Kaylie. Mom had been terribly upset by my father's abrupt asking for a divorce, and I certainly was willing to do anything to help cheer her up. Still I was very nervous. Dressing as a girl was totally new to me, but my cousin Kaylie had already been a good coach. She was the same age as me, and most of what I was wearing was borrowed from her.

Bryce Canyon National Park is a spectacular place with pine forests on the plateau rim high above the wild rock formations below. The road and parking lot are on the top so the scenic trails all start with a steep descent into the canyon. We were going to do the Fairyland Loop trail, which we had been told is one of the best in the park. We had been warned that this was a long trail so we were carrying plenty of water.

We walked for an hour or so past fantastic rock formations; fluted cliffs, balanced rocks, compact knobs, and soaring spires and columns. As Mom had assured me, most of the people we met on the trail were busy taking pictures and looking at the scenery. No one seemed to notice the awkward girl with a boyish walk that I likely presented. I gradually became less nervous and started to focus on the magic of the light bouncing off the red, tan, and white rocks. Being outdoors has always been relaxing for me. As we walked the ideas of Fairyland and femininity swirled in my head.

Kaylie was walking beside me when she pointed out a particular rock spire. "That one looks just like a 'male member,' but I guess those things don't interest you."

"Kaylie! I warned you to stop teasing McKenzie. Remember, this is something SHE is doing for HER mother."

I blushed and ignored Kaylie's remark. There was so much to see, and I decided to just have a good time. I figured that if I acted like a tourist I would be less noticeable.

Suddenly I realized I was in trouble. Ahead I saw StacyLyn, the girl who read me at the hotel. I had dashed into the wrong restroom by mistake, and she had confronted me about being dressed like a girl when she saw me exiting the men's room. I had tried to explain my situation, but I wasn't sure she believed me. That time she had been alone, but now she appeared to be with her family. They had stopped to take some pictures and there was no way I could avoid overtaking them without being even more obvious.

StacyLyn spoke first as we approached. "Hello again, McKenzie. Meet my sister Sara and my brother Jacob. Those are my parents sitting on the rock."

Her brother was a bit older than me and was wearing baggy pants low on the waist and a backwards baseball cap. He looked like a skateboarder with an attitude. He started checking me out with an admiring smirk. At the same time her younger sister Sara was also starting at me with a curious expression. I was terrified that StacyLyn would tell them my secret. To my relief I saw Kaylie dashing over to rescue me.

"Kaylie, this is StacyLyn. We met at the hotel. And that is her brother Jacob."

"Hi, Jacob," Kaylie responded seductively. She moved over next to him, brushed back her hair and stared into his eyes. Suddenly his attention switched to Kaylie and I gratefully stepped back while she distracted him with her flirting.

Sara looked at Jacob and Kaylie and warned, "Watch out, Jacob hits on every cute girl he sees." With that she ran off toward her parents.

I figured I best make myself inconspicuous and keep our group moving. More time spend around StacyLyn meant more opportunities for her to out me. Maybe we could hike faster and avoid them the rest of the day. I went over to Mom and Aunt Karen and indicated we needed to get going. Before I could maneuver Mom and Aunt Karen down the trail our path was blocked by an older man. He was wearing a khaki vest and was loaded with camera equipment.

"Hi, I am Jeff King, a travel writer for Western Highways magazine. Do you mind if I ask you charming girls to pose for me. Landscape photos always look much more interesting with people in them."

I hesitated, but again Kaylie took the initiative. "Sounds like fun. Where do you want us?"

"I love posing. Come over here, Sara," added StacyLyn

"Why don't you four girls start by going over in front of those red-colored balanced rock formations? What are your names?"

As he wrote our names in his notebook I looked at Mom. She was clearly amused by all this. "Go ahead McKenzie, Karen and I will watch.

With that the photographer steered us into position along the side of the trail. StacyLyn and Kaylie immediately posed like experienced models. "OK, now look pretty and smile. Sara, pick up your pack and act like you are looking for something. You in the gingham shirt, McKenzie, right?"

Suddenly I realized he was talking to me. I did not want to be the center of attention.

"Put your hand on your hip and pull your shoulders back. Good, now turn a little; tilt your hips a bit. OK, now tilt your head and look right at me. Good."

I gave him my best effort. Pulling my shoulders back made the padded bra much more obvious under my shirt. At first standing like this seemed embarrassing, but after a few pictures it began to feel natural. We moved several times to have different rock formations in the background. I started to imitate whatever Kaylie and StacyLyn were doing in response to his requests. Kaylie seemed to be ready to break out in giggles at my situation. StacyLyn and Sara just went along with the picture taking and seemed to ignore me.

"You're doing great," Kaylie whispered.

Finally the photo session was done. StacyLyn's parents announced that the loop was too long for them and the family should go back the way they came. Mom and Aunt Karen started to continue around the loop. I headed off behind them when I felt StacyLyn grab my arm.

"Wait a minute. I want to talk to you."

I was afraid of what would happen next. This time Kaylie was not with me for support. At least our respective groups were headed in opposite directions and were already out of earshot.

I decided to speak first. "Thanks, StacyLyn."

"Thanks for what?"

"For not telling everyone my secret."

"Why should I? You told me you were doing this for your mom. Not every boy would do something like that." She looked at me closely. "Besides, you really pass."

"You mean that?"

"Do you think that photographer would have had you pose if he thought you were a boy? He didn't ask my brother."

"I guess I didn't think about that. I just did my best to pose for him."

"I noticed. You have potential as a girl. Got to run, bye."

I watched her run back up the trail, then I turned and rushed to catch up with Kaylie, Aunt Karen, and Mom. The rest of the loop trail was just as fantastic as the start. Ponderosa pine trees, incredible rock formations, cliffs above, and forested mesas in the distance. I kept thinking about what had happened. Hiking on the Fairyland trail seemed to make me into some kind of fairy, a boy who could pass as a girl. Where was this all heading? By late in the afternoon I was tired and we still had the uphill hike back to the road and shuttle bus.

We returned to Ruby's Inn and I collapsed on the bed in our motel room. It had been a physically and emotionally hard day. I was in the middle of a dream about fairies and princesses when I felt Mom shaking my shoulder.

"Wake up, dear. You need to take a shower and get dressed for dinner. Kaylie and Karen have already freshened up and are napping until you get ready."

"Do I have to dress up for dinner? I'm tired."

"You did great as a girl on the trail today, and now I want to show off my daughter in the restaurant. We didn't pack all those nice clothes for nothing. Now get cleaned up."

She must have seen the apprehension on my face as she handed me a change of underwear.

"I told you before, don't be embarrassed. We are all girls on this trip. Put your clean panties and bra on in the bathroom and wrap a towel around yourself before you come out. Meanwhile, I will get your evening outfit out of the suitcase."

I took a really quick shower, and got partially dressed as asked. When I came out Kaylie was talking quietly with Mom and Aunt Karen.

"OK, take off the towel and put these on."

Mom handed me a frilly white blouse with ruffles down the front and a pleated skirt. I was totally embarrassed about standing in the motel room wearing a bra and panties in front of my mother, aunt, and cousin, but Mom's look told me I had no choice. Aunt Karen was acting like she was enjoying the show.

"The preppy school-girl look really fits you," Kaylie giggled. "Here, try these on," she added as she handed me a pair of open-toe sandals. "Looks like we have to do your toes to match your pretty finger nails."

"Kaylie, go ahead and help McKenzie with her pedicure. Then Carol and I will help both of you with your makeup. Given your age, we have discouraged you from wearing too much makeup, but tonight is a big occasion. We will give the two of you real big-girl glamour looks."

I didn't like the sound of all this, but cooperated. As they painted my face I got more and more apprehensive. After all I had zilch experience as a girl in eating in a restaurant. The way they were dolling me up knew I would be attracting unwelcome attention from males. I should know; after all I had personal experience checking out attractive girls. Finally everything was ready, and the four of us walked from our room to the main Ruby's Inn building.

The dining room on the north of the main building was imitation old west, just like the lobby area. It was decorated with peeled logs used as posts alongside the dining booths, coat hooks made from horseshoes, vinyl imitation-leather benches, and dark green wall paper like you see in cowboy movie saloon scenes. We decided to eat from the buffet since that seemed faster and easier than ordering off the menu.

As we returned to our table with loaded plates I suddenly noticed StacyLyn a couple of tables over. Not surprising, her family likely was staying here too. I sat down and tried to avoid eye contact with her. She had been nice to me on the trail, but there was still the potential for her to cause me big trouble. I could just see her announcing in a loud voice 'that the girl over there is really a boy' or something like that.

Glancing up from my food I noticed the she was looking right at me. As our eyes met she smiled then started to get up. I ignored her. Maybe she was going back to the buffet for a refill. Then I saw she was heading straight to our table. What next?

"Hi, McKenzie. Could you come with me? I want to talk to you a moment."

This was the second time she used that line today, and I was wondering what she wanted now. I looked around the table for support.

Kaylie tried to rescue me. "I'll go with you."

"No, I want to talk to McKenzie privately. OK?"

I looked around again. Mom and Aunt Carol were nodding approvingly.

"Go ahead, dear. I am sure it's all right."

StacyLyn grabbed my hand as I stood up. "Follow me," she said as she dragged me past the cash register and toward the ladies room.

This didn't look good but I was helpless. Any resistance would call more attention to me, and I didn't want that. StacyLyn pulled me thorough the door then pushed me back against the wall and looked into my eyes.

"Heading to the restroom to talk is a favorite girls' trick when they have something they don't want the boys to overhear. I am treating you like another girl, now cooperate."

I started to relax a little and she sensed my decreasing tension. "What do you want?"

"I watched you today on the trail, and started suspecting something. Seeing you come into the restaurant tonight convinced me."

"What?"

"I don't think you are just dressing up because you mother asked you. It may have started that way, but you are really getting into being a girl. I like that, and wanted to tell you."

"Thanks. Do you really think I pass?"

"Of course you pass. My brother couldn't take his eyes off you until your cousin flirted with him. Didn't you notice?"

"I guess not. I am new at being a girl, you know."

"Let me tell you something else. I think girly boys can be a big turn-on. You are really cute and I like you. Maybe we can see each other again tomorrow."

"I'd like that." Suddenly I wondered why I had agreed. Maybe I was becoming comfortable with my feminine identity. She took out her cell phone and entered our motel room number before we headed back to our tables.

"Did everything go all right," Mom asked as I sat down.

"Yes, she wants to know if our families can do something together tomorrow."

"I bet she has a crush on you," Kaylie teased.

"Doing something together is certainly possible if you are comfortable with it," Mom added.

Aunt Karen looked right at me with a big smile. "So, McKenzie, how do you feel about being a girl? Are you enjoying the experience?"

I saw Kaylie waiting for my answer. I took a moment to think. I recognized that there were a lot of implications to the question. People were really nice to me today, and it was fun posing for the photographer. The Fairyland trail must have had a magic effect on me and my attitude. StacyLyn's compliments helped too.

"Well?" Kaylie's question interrupted my thoughts.

Suddenly I knew the answer. " I like being a girl and am looking forward to staying a girl the rest of the trip. Thanks for giving me this experience." Seeing their approval gave me the incentive to go on. "I am glad I did this for you, Mom."

"Thanks for doing this for me, dear. But, how do you feel about today?"

"I noticed today how everyone smiles at girls and is nice to them. I like that." I suddenly realized I might be showing too much enthusiasm, and paused to collect my thoughts. Looking down at the table I continued, "Would you be willing to let me do this again?"

As I looked up I saw Aunt Karen giving Mom a thumbs up. Kaylie was smiling.

____

Should this story be continued?

Before leaving home McKenzie was told by Aunt Karen that going on a vacation as a girl was just a game to cheer Mom up, but now events seem to be going unpredictable directions. StacyLyn invites McKenzie's family to join them for their last day at Bryce Canyon. A fun mother-daughter day of sightseeing is followed by a picnic. StacyLyn leads McKenzie away from the campfire and reveals a secret.

I was having a hard time getting dressed for breakfast. Fumbling with the fasteners on my training bra while Mom and my cousin Kaylie pretended not to be watching was not my only problem. My mind was in a whirl over the events of the last two days. Aunt Karen had proposed an 'all-girls outing' to Bryce Canyon National Park as a way cheer my Mom up over Father's asking for a divorce. I had been told that my temporary gender readjustment was only a game, but I suspected Aunt Karen had an agenda. I had dashed to the restroom alone when we first arrived at Ruby's Inn and had been read by a girl named StacyLyn. She asked me why I was a boy dressing as a girl, and I tried to convince her that I was doing it for Mom. While hiking the Fairyland Trail later in the day we encountered StacyLyn with her family, and that time she had been really nice to me. The natural fairyland changed my mood, and I went from just pretending to be a girl to really enjoying being a girl. Maybe it was all the posing we girls did for the travel photographer. Last evening StacyLyn saw me at dinner, and we had an private conversation in the ladies' room of the restaurant. Back at my family's table I sort of admitted that I was enjoying these girl experiences, and Aunt Karen gave my reply a thumbs up. Since then it seemed like my life was on a new path, and I was mixed up in something I couldn't control.

Four of us were crowed into a motel room at Ruby's Inn, the famous resort complex just outside the park. With only one bathroom we had to do our essential business fast and get out. This meant finishing getting dressed in front of everyone else, a really awkward situation for me. Here I was, a middle school boy wearing panties and a training bra in front of three females while Mom rummaged through the luggage making suggestions of what I might wear today. Kaylie was obviously amused.

"Too bad McKenzie doesn't have any cleavage yet, otherwise my vee-neck top would look great on him"

"KAYLIE, I told you to stop being such a tease. Let Carol have fun dressing her new daughter."

In the end what Mom selected much the same as yesterday, practical, outdoorsy, but distinctly feminine items borrowed from Kaylie, who was luckily about my size. A clip-on ponytail, magnetic earrings, and a light touch of makeup completed the look. I had been totally nervous yesterday, but this morning I felt much more confident in my presentation. My thoughts wandered back to the pretty dress Mom had me wear to dinner in the restaurant last night. Getting dressed up and going out was... Just then the phone rang bringing me back to the present.

"For you," Kaylie said as she handed me the phone. "I think it's your new friend."

It was StacyLyn. She asked if we could join her family for a drive to some of the viewpoints in the south end of the park during the afternoon and then a picnic in the evening. I passed along the message, and Mom agreed that sounded like fun. The forecast was for much hotter than yesterday. With this plan we could go on a shorter hike in the morning then not exert ourselves during the warmest part of the day. After a little negotiation on both ends of the call we had agreed on a midday meeting time and place.

Compared to yesterday the morning was uneventful. Yesterday Mom and Aunt Karen told me to imitate Kaylie whenever I was unsure how a girl should act. I still had a lot to learn. I was heading for the eggs, sausage, and pancakes on the buffet when I was told in no uncertain terms that a girl should have things like yogurt and fruit for breakfast.

"You know, girls have to watch their figure."

I wondered how I should take that comment. While eating I reminded Mom and Aunt Karen that StacyLyn knew my secret, but as far as I knew the rest of her family just assumed I was a girl. Hopefully things would stay that way.

After breakfast we did a hike on the Navajo Loop trail starting from Sunset Point. This was a much shorter and easier hike that the Fairyland Loop that we did yesterday, and we finished climbing back to the rim before it got too hot. It was a good choice with lots of nice scenery and famous rock formations with fanciful names like Thors Hammer. Looking at the map I had thought it would have been nice to do the Queens Garden trail instead, but figured everyone would suspect a double meaning if I suggested that one.

We headed back to Ruby's Inn, had a quick snack, and met up with StacyLyn as planned. She arrived with her mother, Mary Waterman and her younger sister, Sarah. Her father, Mark, and her brother Jacob, were no where in sight.

"Dad and Jacob wanted to watch football on television this afternoon then play games at the resort arcade. Looks like those couch potatoes have had enough outdoors."

"Well, looks like I still have my all-girls vacation," Mom remarked to Aunt Karen. "Frankly, I was not looking forward to having those guys around. Nothing against them, but..."

"But that they are males, right Carol?" Aunt Karen continued.

I was wondering where that left me, both now and once we headed back home tomorrow. Our merged group got onto the shuttle bus for the south end of the park, and I sat down next to Kaylie with Stacy Lyn across the aisle. The roar of the engine was so loud that Kaylie needed to speak directly into my ear.

"At least you don't have to worry about Jacob hitting on you today. If you keep dressing so pretty you will have to learn how to handle horny boys." Watching for my reaction she continued. "I really think StacyLyn has a crush on you. This can be your first girl-with-girl date. Sounds romantic, what do you think?"

I sort of blushed and ignored her until the bus stopped at the first overlook on the route. This bus had a fixed route with stops at major overlooks. Having to time our sightseeing to the bus schedule was not as convenient as driving, but it can be hard to find a place to park at the popular overlooks during the busy season. Fall is the nicest time of year at Bryce Canyon and there were tourists everywhere. Yesterday I had been terrified about being read as a boy. Today I felt much more confident, but still was carefully monitoring my self for possible slipups.

We walked from the parking area to the view point and started posing for snapshots of each other with the canyon as background. It was getting warmer, but there was enough wind to keep it pleasant. I did start to appreciate that the lighter fabrics of girls' clothes made them more comfortable that boy's outfits in hot weather. Cooler in more ways than one, I thought.

At the next stop Mom suggested we walk along the Rim Trail for a few minutes since there was still some time before the bus was scheduled to leave. I was walking beside StacyLyn with Kaylie a few steps behind. "McKenzie, you really need walking lessons. When you get in a hurry you walk just like a boy. Join me in dance class and learn to use your hips." I ignored Kaylie's teasing, but knew she was right. StacyLyn looked at me and grinned.

I think part of the reason I passed as a girl was that the tourists were looking at the scenery and not paying attention to the strangers all around them. At least the focus on the scenery applied to adults. My greatest risk of being read was from teenage boys and inquisitive preteen girls. StacyLyn's brother has shown great interest in me yesterday and I had no idea of what I was going to do. I had zero experience acting like a real girl around typical boys. Fortunately Kaylie saw my distress, rushed over, and started flirting with Jacob to distract him.

Yesterday StacyLyn's little sister, Sarah, had momentarily stared at me with a curious expression, and the same thing was happening again today. At each bus stop I would notice that Sarah was carefully observing me. Kids are insightful and not bashful about asking embarrassing questions. I was not surprised when I overheard Sarah and StacyLyn talking about me.

"StacyLyn, is your friend McKenzie really a ...."

"Shush - that isn't polite." StacyLyn grabbed her sister by the shoulders and looked right at her. "Remember, Mom and Aunt Jessica keep telling you to respect people's privacy. Let's go look at the wildflowers over there."

StacyLyn had mentioned her Aunt Jessica several times today and was obviously fond of her. Jessica sounded like an interesting person. By 5 PM we had been to a half dozen viewpoints, wandered along several sections of the canyon rim, and had taken more pictures than we needed. I was really getting into posing as a pretty girl in the landscape. With Kaylie's encouragement, and Aunt Karen's obvious approval, I was mastering adjusting my posture to emphasize hips and breasts, even though I really had neither.

As the shuttle approached the visitor center StacyLyn announced, "Let's head to Ruby's Inn and get ready for the picnic.

At Ruby's Inn we dashed to our motel room, freshened up, and grabbed some warmer clothes. Bryce Canyon is at high elevation in the desert and temperatures drop quickly after the sun goes down. We met up the StacyLyn, Sarah, and Mary Waterman in the large store that is on the south side of the main Ruby's Inn building. There was a huge grocery section that supplied both the local workers and tourists like us. We had no problem finding deli foods and other treats. The market knew what was needed for a spontaneous picnic and disposable plates and utensils were available at the deli counter. Fully loaded with food and a bundle of firewood we headed to the picnic area just as dusk approached.

We found a table, unpacked our food, and started a small campfire. We were all hungry even though we had not hiked very hard during the day. Frankly, I was famished. I was not used to eating girl-sized portions of the healthy foods preferred by the weight conscious. I was not sure which direction my life would take, but I suspected I might have to get used to eating like a lady. Anyway, we all dug into the sandwiches and salads, but skimped on the potato chips. Mom and Aunt Karen started taking about their Girl Scout days, and Mrs. Waterman joined in. Soon we were singing campfire songs and telling jokes.

I started noticing the differences in interpersonal interaction between this sort-of all-girls group and what I usually saw and heard in mixed or all-male settings. With girls there was much more mutual support and much less bragging and fake aggression. I thought this picnic was more my style and joined in the best I could. After a while StacyLyn, Kaylie, Sara, and I got tired of listening to tales of scout camps long ago and we wandered over to a vacant table nearby.

"My Mom always talks about how different things were before cell phones and the internet."

"Same here, StacyLyn," continued Kaylie. "Personally, I think things are more interesting now."

"And of course our Moms were told things were better way back when our grandmothers were growing up."

"Yes, McKenzie's and my grandmother was telling me about her high school days once."

Suddenly I was all ears. Grandma never had that kind of conversation with me.

"She often told me about how different things were, no birth control pills, thick sanitary pads and never tampons until after 18. She had to put up with strict "morality" and people getting upset about a girl ever being in a private place with a boy. Grandma once told she that she had no idea of what grandpa looked like down there until their wedding night, and ..."

About this time Sarah lost interest and drifted back to the mom's table.
In the distance we heard, "They're talking about sex and other big-girl stuff over there."

By the campfire light I saw Mom start to giggle at my predicament. Meanwhile Mrs. Waterman asked Sarah if she wanted to learn another campfire song.

Kaylie and StacyLyn continued talking about the topics of interest to girls. I was listening carefully, amazed about what I was hearing. Occasionally I would nod or murmur vague agreement. I was afraid if I said anything substantive I would upset the situation by reminding them that one of the three of us was not really a girl. Things really got awkward when they started talking about the gross things they had heard about boys. Eventually StacyLyn's attention turned to me.

"McKenzie, you amaze me."

"What do you mean?"

"For the last hour your cousin and I have been talking about girl things: our bra sizes, our periods, boys, French kissing, and everything in between. You have just been soaking it up. A normal, straight boy would have gotten grossed out and slithered away long ago."

"It's not the first time he's heard girls talk. McKenzie spends a lot of time hanging out with me and my friends at school."

"OK, but still its not normal for a boy. Maybe McKenzie really is a girl in a boy's body."

"What do you think, cousin? Want to ask your mom if you can get it cut off?"

I couldn't figure what to say, and just reached out my hands to Kaylie and StacyLyn. Gradually we pulled together into a group hug. I like the way girls support each other emotionally.

"Kaylie, do you mind if I talk to McKenzie privately?"

As Kaylie headed back toward the campfire I started wondering what StacyLyn had to say next. Or maybe she wanted to do something with me in private. She indicated we should walk, and lead me into the trees.

"I need to tell you a secret. My parents didn't want me to talk about it, but I think it will help you understand me better if you know. Please, please, don't repeat this to anyone without asking me first."

"Promise, I can keep a secret."

"My family keeps this pretty quiet, but ..."

"Keeps what quiet?"

"Please, don't interrupt. Let me tell you what I have to say. This is important for both of us."

I nodded in agreement.

"You need to know about my background. There is a reason why I was able to read you right away. You are not the first effeminate, cross-dressing male I ever met."

Suddenly I was afraid of where this conversation was leading. But, somehow I also knew it would affect my future in a good way. Maybe it was StacyLyn's reassuring manner.
I listened carefully for a long time and did not say anything. I had never heard anything like this, but the whole story was something I could relate to. Her eyes were misty when she finished. I looked at her with both shock and amazement and then pulled her into a comforting, non-sensual hug.

"Now you know why feminine boys interest me. McKenzie, I want you to stay my friend."

We held each other again. Finally we joined hands and walked back into the warm glow of the campfire. It was getting chilly and we all stood close together on the upwind side of the fire to keep the smoke out of our eyes. Eventually someone suggested it was time to head to the motel. We had used up all the firewood and the coals were going black. Not only was I starting to get cold, I was emotionally drained by what StacyLyn had told me.

I was quiet on the way back to the motel. I said a long good night to StacyLyn when we got back to Ruby's Inn. We both would be heading for home tomorrow, and I had no idea of when I would see her again. We had exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses, and I promised I would keep in touch with her. Kaylie asked what StacyLyn had wanted to talk about a couple of times, but it was too complicated, and besides I promised to keep the secret.

At our room we took our turns washing up, and I changed into the nightgown Mom had borrowed from Kaylie for me to wear on the trip. Like most motel rooms this one had two king-size beds: one for Kaylie and Aunt Karen, the other for Mom and me. Even when pretending to be a girl it seemed totally weird to be sharing a bed with Mom at my age. As I did last night, I stayed way over on one side of the bed with my back turned toward her. I guess sharing a bed with Kaylie would have raised even more issues.

For a long time I couldn't fall asleep. The conversation with StacyLyn opened my eyes to a whole new world. In the brief time we had in private she had explained why she had developed empathy for all the types of people who did not fit into the standard male-female categories. She said that she was active in the gay-straight alliance at her high school and attended other gender-related support groups too. I hadn't realized she was in ninth grade until she told me. In one way I was really curious to learn more about her background and her relationship with Aunt Jessica. There was so much to think about. Eventually I dozed off.

McKenzie and Mom return home from the 'all-girls' vacation at Bryce Canyon. Mom expresses serious concern that McKenzie's dress-up activities will interfere with the custody hearings. Aunt Karen continues to be enthusiastic about McKenzie's changes, but what is her agenda? McKenzie has conflicted feelings, but keeps communicating with StacyLyn.

Closeted at Home

Finally we were on our way home. For the last three days I had been privileged to be part of an "all-girls" vacation to Bryce Canyon National Park in southern Utah with Mom, Aunt Karen, and cousin Kaylie. Aunt Karen has initiated the idea of my dressing as a girl for the event, and Kaylie, who is my age, had been an excellent tutor. StacyLyn, the girl who read and asked why I was dressed as a girl me when we first arrived, had been really nice to me when we met in the afternoon on the Fairyland Trail and again during dinner in the restaurant. Yesterday she had invited us to join the female members of her family on a scenic drive and evening picnic. StacyLyn had led me away from the campfire to tell me that she liked feminine boys and then revealed a secret about her background that put things into a totally different perspective for me.

I was enjoying the scenery as we drove along Highway 89 toward the Interstate. Again I was wearing casual sportswear borrowed from Kaylie with the clip-on ponytail sticking out above the adjusting strap on the back of my cap. Mom and Aunt Karen were chatting in front while Kaylie and I were in back entertaining ourselves listing to music and looking at magazines. I gave the copy of Cosmo Girl back to Kaylie and traded for a hairstyles magazine. It was an issue on short summertime haircuts which were now a bit out of season since we were well into the fall. But, for me these girls’ hairstyles were absolutely fascinating. I had never thought much about how feminine and pretty hair could look even if it no longer that what I already had but carefully styled. I started wondering if I could find something that could be brushed to look reasonably boyish for normal wear but could also be fancied up for girl time.

Unlike the first day I was not worrying about rest stops. After two days as a girl in the park I was now confident that I could go anywhere, including the ladies room, and pass as a girl with a ponytail who was wearing jeans and a feminine shirt. Well, maybe this was overconfidence. When in public I found it reassuring to have Kaylie nearby in case I got into an uncomfortable situation. I was thinking about how she had expertly saved me by playing the flirt when StacyLyn's brother Jacob showed a bit too much interest in me. This did bring up some troubling questions about how I was going to deal with boys if I ever got a chance to dress up like this again. I put this thought aside when I realized that the conversation in the front seat was about me.

"Karen, do you think what we did was right in making McKenzie into a girl for this trip?"

"Nothing was wrong, Carol. McKenzie enjoyed herself and discovered a new aspect of her personality. Yesterday it was so marvelous to watch McKenzie interacting like a normal girl with Kaylie and StacyLyn."

"But this was all so sudden. What ever made you suggest the idea?"

"I have been watching McKenzie for years. We both know he spends a lot of time hanging out with Kaylie and her friends. I figured my nephew would enjoy the experience. Besides, you needed to get away from reminders of that awful, soon-to-be-ex husband of yours. What could be better that an all-girl trip in the outdoors that let us relive our summer camp experiences and share them with out daughters?"

"Yes, I could see McKenzie was enjoying himself, so I went along. Still, I was really scared at times."

"Scared of what? You know, crossdressing is not illegal. The three of us could have bailed McKenzie out of any situation if the fact that she has boy parts had become an issue. "

"What frightens me is having the self-important and arrogant Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark find out. Right now it looks like he will negotiate a quick divorce and not fight for custody of McKenzie. All that selfish man wants is to be with his new girlfriend. But, if he found out about this trip he could use it as a weapon in court. Cross dressing may not be illegal but a lot of local judges are really traditional and conservative. Jared's lawyer could easily argue that what we have done to McKenzie is deviant and abusive parenting."

"We didn't force McKenzie into this. I asked and he went along with the suggestion to be a she for the weekend. Don't worry, it was all a lot of fun."

I looked back at the magazine and didn't say anything. The mention of my father had suddenly shaken me out of the pleasant fantasy of the last few days. Memories of his shouting at me to man up and quit being a sissy flooded through my mind. My father was career military and spent most of the recent years on deployment so I didn't see him too often. Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie had really been my family influences, and that suited me just fine. I knew a little about family court issues from the experiences of some of my class mates at school. As I sat thinking about the upcoming changes in our family situation I realized that my future would really depend on the judge who would eventually rule on child custody.

I started thinking about going back to school in boy mode. There was no question, at school I would have to again be my normal self. In some ways that was a relief. I needed time to think about all that had happened in the past few days. Kaylie must have sensed what I was thinking.

"Well, I guess my cousin needs to become a boy again for school tomorrow. How sad, I will miss the new McKenzie."

"You know, I am going to miss her too. I'll still hang out with you and your friends but it won't be the same as being one of the girls."

"Well maybe you mom will let you have some girl time again soon. I'd like that, and so would you."

We went back to listening to the music. I was still very mixed up about my feminine side. I was enjoying the experience, but somehow uncomfortable as well. Maybe it was because of all the arguments I had with Father over my being a sissy. Eventually my thoughts turned to my private conversation last night with StacyLyn. She made me promise to keep it a secret so I was the only one in the car who knew the truth about StacyLyn's family situation. We had talked privately only a few minutes, but StacyLyn had told me something I had never imagined. StacyLyn had a lot of empathy for feminine boys. She emphasized that she liked me and wanted to be my friend. We had exchanged contact information but she lived in a major city a half-day drive from my home so I was not sure when I would see her next. Some things StacyLyn told me were fascinating, but I was also frightened. I decided that this was all something I was not quite ready to think about. My immediate problems were school, being supportive of Mom, and making sure I stayed living with her without interference from my Father.

************
We arrived safely back home in Santa Carla and the next morning it was back to Pineview School as my usual self. All during the trip to Bryce Canyon I had been coached by Kaylie on walking like a girl. Now I suddenly needed to switch back and monitor my movements so that I didn't act too girly. I wasn't sure which I considered worse -- being read as a boy when wearing girl's clothes in the park or being called out for acting as a sissy at school. I had been taunted before and I was sure it would happen again.

"Hi, McKenzie, I hardly recognized you the way you are dressed."

"Quiet, Kaylie, I don't want your friends to overhear us talking about the trip and start asking questions."

"You mean I can't tell everyone about how we posed for the photographer who wanted some pretty girls in his landscape pictures of the Fairyland trail?"

"No!"

"OK, just kidding. Let's head to class. Remember to carry your books under your arm, not in front of your boobs."

"Quit teasing me."

As I said this I noticed a couple of unfamiliar students staring at Kaylie and me. Just then a bunch of Kaylie's friends walked up and joined us heading into the building. A few of the tough boys from our class were hanging out near the front door, and I thought I heard someone mumble "faggot" as we passed.

For the next few weeks I realized I was looking at girls differently now. I had always been friends with a lot of the girls my age, but now I wanted more than just friendship. I wanted to be one of them. I found myself being jealous of their nice clothes, their long hair, their jewelry, and other fashion accessories. I kept noticing how everyone treats girls nicely compared to the boys. I knew I needed to talk to Mom about this sometime, but was not totally sure what I wanted to say.

My trip to Bryce Canyon as a girl had awakened something, but these feelings that I should be a girl were not totally new. Thinking back, I could remember identifying as a girl as far back as kindergarten. On the first day of class the teacher asked us to line up and I had gotten behind Kaylie in the girls' line. Everyone laughed at me when the teacher pulled me over into the other line and told me to act like a boy. I remembered being corrected multiple times for playing girls' games, but it took me well into grade school before I could figure out what I was doing wrong.

Father was somewhat aware of all this and when he was home between deployments he did is best to try to toughen me up. The experience frustrated both of us. Still, by the end of grade school I had mastered acting sufficiently boyish to get by but had also gotten used to being called a sissy. Now in middle school I was having to face these issues again.

***************
During the weeks that followed Aunt Karen was enthusiastic and encouraged every sign of femininity in me. She had suggested the dress-up trip to Bryce Canyon and had enjoyed watching me learn how to act as we hiked the Fairyland Trail. Since our return she had been very supportive of my spending time with Kaylie, and complemented me whenever I did something noticeably girlish.

There were times when Mom seemed totally delighted about having a pretend daughter, but more often she was reminding me to be careful how I presented myself at school and in public. Santa Carla was definitely not the most open-minded town. The population was a mix of old-time western rednecks, conservative retired rich people, and a few military families associated with the National Guard training site. It was the sort of town where people were expected to follow traditional roles: working fathers, stay at home mothers, macho boys and sugar-and-spice girls. Between the small-town social pressures and the upcoming custody hearings it was clear the Mom did not want to be accused of making me into a girl.

I really wanted to find a low-risk way that I could express at least a little femininity. I usually followed Kaylie over to her house after school and stayed there relaxing, playing, or doing homework until my Mom got home from work and hour or two later. Sometimes a few of Kaylie's friends joined us, and I did my best to act like one of the girls.

I started to explore the limits of what Mom would allow. Mom and I were visiting over at Aunt Karen's for dinner, and I was sitting with Kaylie in her room talking about nothing in particular. Thumbing through the make-up tips section of one of her teen-girl magazines gave me an idea.

"Kaylie, would help me paint my nails? You did such a neat job just before we left for the Bryce Canyon trip. Remember that StacyLyn thought my nails looked really good on that trip."

"Guess so, do you want some clear polish this time so it won't show?"

"Let me be daring -- bright red. The brightest you have."

"If that's what you want, girl."

My nails were dry by the time we were called to dinner. We sat down and began loading our plates as the various dishes were passed around the table. I used exaggerated, overtly feminine hand gestures so that my nails would be as obvious as possible. I was going to make a statement.

"McKenzie, why are your nails painted?"

"I felt like it, Mom. Kaylie helped me when I asked."

"Well, you better plan to have her help you clean it off before we head home. You are not going to school tomorrow like that. What if your father found out?"

"Calm down, Carol. McKenzie is trying desperately to tell you something. The least you could do is listen and be supportive."

"Dear, I know you want to be a girl. Let's just be discrete about it until things settle down." I looked intently at Mom. Finally I said, "OK, Kaylie can help check that I get the polish all off."

One day on the way home from school I asked Kaylie, "Do you still have that short hair styles magazine issue? You know, the one I was looking at on the way back from our special trip."

"Might have it. Let me look." We went to her place and she rummaged around in her room for a while. "Yes, here. What's up?"

"I am looking to see what I could do if I let my hair grow just a little bit. You know, something that looks like a shaggy mop of hair on a boy but can be sculpted with some styling gel to look like a girl's cut."

"Your Aunt Karen would find that sort of hair cut fascinating. She might even help you. She styles my hair sometimes, you know."

"That would be fun. Do you think my Mom would allow it?

I had a number of intense discussions with Mom, but eventually she agreed to let me skip a haircut for two months then go to a stylist. The ground rules were that whatever I did with my hair it still had to be something the could reasonably be a boy style at critical times. She emphasized that the absolute rule for me was that I had to be a boy in public, at least for now. I know she was worried about community reactions to anything different.

Finally the time came. Aunt Karen had been combing and brushing my hair when I visited her place and one day she had announced I was ready of a professional job. She set up an appointment, and I went with Kaylie to her usual hair stylist. The signs implied this was a unisex salon, but I only saw women and girls inside. Kaylie got a light trim to even things up but stayed with her basic bangs and ponytail cheerleader look. Then it was my turn. The hairdresser's eyes rolled when I showed her the magazine picture of what I wanted, but she was a professional about it.

"You know that hair style will make you look like a girl."

"Maybe, but I think is unisex enough so that it can be combed into a boy-style cut."

"Can I ask why you picked this style?"

"I ... uhh ...."

"OK, I can guess sweetie." She gave me a wink and a smile. "I know just what to do. I promise I won't gossip about you with my other customers."

"Thanks, that's important to my Mom."

After a few minutes of cutting I still looked like a boy with shaggy hair. Then I heard her say, "Watch carefully what I do now so you can do it whenever you want at home."

She took a bottle of styling gel and a comb and swiftly sculpted the hair to give it a lot more volume. With a few more adjustments sweeps of hair delicately framed my face. I was amazed by what I was seeing in the mirror.

"Awesome!" exclaimed Kaylie. "I dare you to wear it home like that. Hurry up, my mom is here to pick us up."

I gave the hairdresser a big tip along with the payment and promised I would be back to see what else she could do for me when I had a bit more hair. Aunt Karen showered me with compliments as we got into the car. On the ride home I kept thinking about that marvelous evening when we had the fancy dress-up mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant at Ruby's Inn. I had asked softly if I could do this again, and everyone had smiled and Aunt Karen gave Mom a thumbs-up. But once we got home and she had talked to a divorce lawyer she became really afraid that people would find out about my dress-up activities. I began to suspect that she Mom having doubts about our trip to Bryce Canyon.

When I got home from the salon Mom seemed pleased by my new appearance, but she insisted I shampoo and get my hair back into boy mode before going to school again. Styling and then unstyling my hair became part of my after school visits with Kaylie and her friends. The other girls were always amused when Kaylie took out a comb and gel to demonstrate her hair styling skills on me.

But alas, I could only be seen in public with shaggy boy-style hair. Mom was even concerned about Kaylie styling my hair in front of her friends.

"What if one of those girls started to gossip, or worse, took a picture with her cell phone camera?"

"I trust them. Besides, if a picture got taken I could always say we were just playing."

"Well, be careful."

Mom and I continued to visit at Aunt Karen's on weekends and evenings. I the unspoken rules were that I could borrow some of Kaylie's clothes as long as I only wore them in the house or the backyard which had a high fence. I thought it was nice to wear something pretty and I found myself doing it more and more. Usually it was just casual sportswear like girl-cut skinny jeans and a blouse, but sometimes we had full-scale fancy dinners when I got to wear one of Kaylie's dresses and a little makeup.

********
As promised, I was careful how I presented myself around Santa Carla, but I also felt a need to share with StacyLyn. During the past school year I had been maintaining contact with her. Emails, text messages, and an occasional phone call allowed me to share my progress and keep up with events in her life too. StacyLyn became a special confidant and was the one person I could really share my gender confusion with. Kaylie was supportive, but often teased me when I wished she would be serious.

Against Mom's instructions I occasionally took some pictures of myself when dressed up and sent them to StaceyLyn. She always replied with support and delight. The secret that StacyLyn had told me during the picnic was something we kept between us and had become a source of encouragement for me. StacyLyn kept telling me that she liked feminine boys and thought that any boy who wanted should be able to live as a girl. Those sorts of ideas both excited and scared me. StacyLyn sent me a steady stream of advice on gender issues.

Kaylie kept trying to figure out what we had talked about that night a Bryce Canyon when StacyLyn pulled me aside for a private conversation. Keeping a secret is hard, but I kept my promise.

**************
One Saturday Aunt Karen suggested we make a trip to the mall, and of course I was interested. I have always enjoyed shopping trips, especially when I follow Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie through the womens' and girls' sections. Mom was still occasionally depressed when she heard more about my father's affairs or had a bad meeting with the divorce lawyers. We all hoped this shopping trip would cheer her up.

As we got into the car Mom said, "I want to make this a nice day for you too."

I wondered what that remark meant as we headed toward Red Desert Mall. As usual we started by window shopping the full length of the main corridor before heading into the first specialty shop. Spring was coming and Mom and Aunt Karen were both looking for seasonal outfits for work. Neither Kaylie nor I were especially interested in career clothes so we sorted of wandered off and found ourselves next door looking at hair accessories.

"You know, you have enough hair now that some of these would really look neat on you."

"Yes, but I'm not sure Mom wants me to be seen buying this sort of stuff."

"Come on. Guys get gifts for a 'special girl' all the time."

I ended picking up a few hair clips and a headband. It ended up being no big deal, but still it was nice to have some accessories of my own instead of what I borrowed from Kaylie.

Mom and Aunt Karen found us and announced that we needed to do some shopping for Kaylie next. That sounded good. At least I would be able to look at clothes more appropriate for girls my age. As we headed toward the next store Aunt Karen remarked to Mom that Kaylie would need to get new clothes more often now as she was starting to rapidly develop a teen figure. The remark was addressed to Mom but somehow I think it was also intended for me to hear it. This could pose a problem for my borrowing her clothes.

Aunt Karen decided Kaylie needed a new, larger bra and I started becoming totally jealous as I watched her get measured, pick a style, and head back into the changing rooms. For the first time on this trip I knew I was definitely excluded. Why did I have to be born a boy? Next Kaylie got a nice white blouse with a lacy collar and a floral-print summer weigh skirt. One again I felt left out.

At one point I noticed Mom had disappeared and I was with just Aunt Karen and Kaylie wandering through the girls sportswear section.

"Your Mom will be right back," said Aunt Karen, and I did not think any more about it.

After Mom came back we headed to the food court, had a light snack, browsed a bit more, then headed home. We dropped Aunt Karen and Kaylie off at their house then Mom and I drove the short distance home. I went to my room and sulked. In one sense I had enjoyed the shopping trip, but compared to previous trips I had also felt very much left out. For weeks I had been thinking about ways I could experience a little more femininity and today I was reminded that I was still stuck as a boy. I started playing with my hair and wondered if I could convince Mom to let me grow it even longer.

Just then Mom knocked on my door. "May I come in?" She entered carrying several packages from the same store where Kaylie had gotten her summer outfit. "I have a nice surprise for you."

She handed me the packages and indicated I should open them. It was unbelievable -- a blouse and skirt set just like Kaylie's. The only difference is that Kaylie had gotten a green and yellow print and this one was in green and brown. Identical style and complementary color patterns to give a coordinated, but not matching, look. "For me?"

"Yes, dear. Now open the other package too."

It was a heavily padded training bra. Mom indicated I should take off my shirt, and then she helped me adjust the shoulder straps to get just the right fit.

"Both you and Kaylie have grown a lot, and it has been a long time since she stopped wearing training bras. The ones you were borrowing from her were really too small for you. I decided you needed one of your own."

"Mom, thank you. I never expected this. I haven't understood how you feel about my dressing."

"I am still nervous about all this, but Aunt Karen convinced me that the right thing to do was to be more supportive of you. We just need to keep your dress-up sessions private, OK."

"Yes, Mom."

"McKenzie, I think we both wish you had been born a girl."

Suddenly we were hugging each other and crying. Before I went to bed I sent a message to StacyLyn telling her about Mom's purchases for me. Almost immediately I got a reply"

> snd me a pix of you in your new top & bra ;) want to show aunt jessica
> maybe later mom keeps warning me
> goodnight sleep like a princess

I few days later I overheard her talking to Aunt Karen. "Look, I just don't what the issue of McKenzie's feminine interest to come up in court when I ask for sole custody. McKenzie, will have a lot to regret if her ... that is his ... father gets join custody and tries to use that as a lever to send him to some military prep school or wilderness therapy camp as a way to toughen him up and make him into a man."

Facing Puberty and Seeking Help

McKenzie continues to be closeted at home while puberty approaches and Mom remains concerned about anything that will interfere with the custody hearing. Depressed over the discussion of puberty in health class McKenzie turns to StacyLyn for help. She has a suggestion, but acting on it means sharing family secrets.

Part 5: Facing Puberty and Sharing StacyLyn's Secret

There have been a lot of changes in my life since that wonderful fall day when I first hiked the Fairyland Trail wearing clothes borrowed from my cousin Kaylie. That trip with Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie stirred up long-suppressed feelings of wanting to be a girl. For almost a year since then I have been dressing as a girl in private, but still presenting as a boy at school and in public around our home town, Santa Carla. Mom has continued to jump between enjoying the idea of having me as her pretend daughter and fearing the consequences if my father found out before the custody issue was settled. Aunt Karen has been supportive, and Kaylie too, but she also likes to tease. Phone and internet have kept me in touch with StacyLyn, who I met at Bryce Canyon. She has continued to give me advice and has urged me to become more decisive about my future.

For a while things continued pretty much as they had been for the past year. I was allowed to dress as a girl as long as it was in private, that is, at home or at Aunt Karen's. But I was endlessly cautioned to be careful in public. StacyLyn had directed me to some interesting biographies on the internet and I had read about the anguish of boys who kept their feminine side closeted for years. I could relate to the problems, but for the time being I was closeted. Keeping my feminine side hidden had been emphasized repeatedly by Mom. What helped me cope was my marvelous support network of Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie, and StacyLyn, who all knew my situation.

My dressing in girls’ clothes was really low key most of the time. Nowadays teen girls wear pants more often than they wear dresses, and the same was true for me. When Kaylie and I were together I was usually wearing jeans and a shirt. Of course my preference was for girl-styled jeans with a bit of fancy trim and a shirt that buttoned right over left. When this all started with the 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon, and for a few months after I got back home, I was dependent on borrowing clothes from Kaylie. More recently Mom had been buying me more and more girl clothes of my own. Now my underwear drawer contained both jockey shorts with a fly for school and doctor visits and pretty panties for all other hours of the week.

Mom repeatedly explained why I needed to stay closeted. Santa Carla is a smallish, conservative town in a conservative state, and Father had a lot of friends and acquaintances around town who might be feeding him information. Mom was really afraid that Judge Coleman, the local judge who handed family matters, was likely to be react unfavorably if Father made the claim that she was an abusive parent who was trying to force me into being a girl. Obviously no force was involved, I had needed a little persuasion at first, but now this was something I wanted to do more than anything else in my life. I was rediscovering feelings going back to kindergarten that had been suppressed in response to Father's demands regarding how I should, in his arrogant opinion, act.

One afternoon when I was at Kaylie's house Mom called me sounding panicked. The court-appointed custody evaluator had stopped by to make a short-notice home visit. Mom needed me to come home and in a hushed voice told me to be sure I was 'presentable.' Earlier Mom had explained that the custody evaluator is a social worker who prepares a written report for the judge that makes recommendations based on the 'best interests of the child' so this interview was important. When Father first told Mom he wanted a divorce she had asked about me and his reply was that "you can keep that sissy faggot, he never will be a soldier anyway." Ever since then I had been anxious to get him totally out of my life.

When Mom called I was wearing my typical after-school girlish outfit. I hastily explained to Kaylie why I had to head home, and that before I left I needed to do a quick change. Unfortunately all my actual boy clothes were at home since I had changed before Aunt Karen picked me up that afternoon. With Kaylie's help she found a pair of her jeans that were reasonably unisex, a bit tight cut, but no embroidery or other ornamentation. She also found a generic sweatshirt with a college logo printed on it. I grabbed these things and headed into the bathroom to take off my frilly ruffled shirt, padded bra, and Capri pants. Usually I was totally casual about changing in front of Kaylie, but the upcoming social worker visit had put my mind into boy mode. As I was finishing I realized I had worn knee length boots with a distinct heel. I asked Kaylie if she had any plain running shoes that I could borrow, and she found a pair of grubby sneakers that were so faded that the original colors were gone. I checked myself in the mirror and realized I still had a couple of barrettes in my hair. I quickly pulled them out and wet my hair down at the sink so I could comb it back into my shaggy style I wore at school. Finally 'presentable' I headed to the kitchen and told Aunt Karen I was ready for a ride home.

Mom had arranged our home to cover up my dress-up activities. We lived in a three-bedroom suburban house with the two secondary bedrooms, mine and the guest bedroom, each having a doorway into a shared bath between. The rule was only boy clothes and boy things were to be stored in 'my' bedroom while my girl clothes, makeup, fashion magazines, and accessories were in the 'guest room.' In practice this meant I spent most of my time in the guest room and left the other bedroom in a boyish mess. Mom figured that if someone ever noticed the girl's stuff she could say her niece kept some of her things in the guest room to use when she stayed over while her mom was out of town.

Since I was in boy mode I could have walked home, but Aunt Karen suggested a ride both to save the social worker some time and also to have a few minutes to talk to me. As she drove she reminded me of the answers we had rehearsed. I needed to express my strong preference to be raised by Mom and explain that I had never had a close relationship with Father due to is frequent and prolonged absences. Aunt Karen gave me a look-over as I got out of the car as a final check. Fortunately Kaylie and I rarely put on makeup unless it was a special occasion, so I didn't have to worry about unremoved lipstick or eyeliner smudges. The custody evaluator, a very proper-looking middle age lady, was talking with Mom as I entered.

"My report will be easy to complete since Sergeant Clark is not contesting your custody claim at this time. Most of the items are check-box formalities. Thank you for the tour of your house. I have just noted on the form that your home is habitable with no safety or building code issues." She looked up. "Good I see McKenzie is here."

She proceeded to ask me a list of fairly routine questions as she went down the list, and things went smoothly. As she finished she looked at me and smiled.

"You know, the way you have been sitting is consistent with the teacher report I got from your school."

"Do you mind my asking what that report said?"

She flipped down a few pages on her clipboard and started reading. "McKenzie is an excellent student with no behavior problems. He associates mostly with girls and often expresses slightly feminine mannerisms. As a result, he is occasionally bullied about being a 'sissy' but he deals with these taunts in a mature manner." She stopped reading. "I couldn't help but notice that you have been sitting with you knees together and your hands folded in your lap. Given my training in personality evaluation I am very sensitive to body language. Your behavior certainly doesn't bother me personality as I have a flexible attitude toward gender roles. So far, your father has not brought up the need for a 'male influence' in your upbringing, and I certainly do not intend to raise that issue in my report. Well, have a good day."

With that she gathered her papers, got up, and left. I had been concentrating so much on my clothes and my oral answers that I had not noticed my posture. Recently I had read a book by the great modern dance choreographer Martha Graham. She had written, 'movement never lies' and I guess she was right.

The social worker's comments confirmed Mom's concern that my feminine interests could become an issue in the custody decision. I decided I better be really careful around town. I certainly did not want my father sticking his nose into my life now. Things were confusing enough already.

Mom was right to be concerned about community reaction in Santa Carla, and she was not imagining threats. One day Mrs. Russica, who is well know as a 'traditional values' activist around town, abruptly confronted Mom at the supermarket.

"Mrs. Clark, you really need to think about how you are raising McKenzie. That child is going to grow up gay or worse if you don't make him act like a man. I never see him playing with boys. And the way you let him dress..."

"Mind your own business." With that Mom turned away and finished her shopping. The confrontation upset her and she talked on the phone with Aunt Karen for a long while that evening.

*************
For months now I suspected that Aunt Karen had suggested I dress as a girl for the trip to Bryce Canyon because she had seen signs of my feminine behaviors. What she did was really awaken thoughts that I had been keeping suppressed. What began as role-play to cheer up Mom was becoming more and more a central part of my identity.

Part way through the school year the curriculum pushed me to confront my confusion about gender. It all started the day the teacher announced that the health classes for our grade included sessions on 'puberty and maturation,' and that the girls and boys would be meeting in separate classrooms for these lectures. My reaction was a mix of anxiety, curiosity, concern, and loneliness. The day of the first separate lecture I was walking down the hall with Kaylie lost in my thoughts.

"I bet you wish you could go into the girls' class with me, don't you?"

"Quiet Kaylie."

"OK," she whispered. "Besides, you need to learn about boy parts even if you wish..."

"Please, someone might hear!" We had reached the classroom for the girls and I waved reluctantly to Kaylie as she turned and I continued down the hall.

One of the boys in my class came up beside me and sneered. "So, what were you and Kaylie talking about? I couldn't quite hear."

I didn't reply to him and just dragged my self into the classroom assigned for the boys' session. The lecture that day was bad and the one the following week was worse. It wasn't the teaching that was bad, it was the facts I was being taught about male development. In a few months my body was going to start changing in a direction that I was sure I did not want. Deepening voice and facial hair seemed disgusting to me, but I had never really confronted this before. I was afraid of what would happen once my hormones kicked in.

That afternoon Kaylie stopped by at my house after school. I was feeling confused and depressed and I plopped down in the kitchen while I was still in my boy-mode school clothes.

"Aren't you going to change?"

"Maybe later, I just don't feel girlish right now."

"How was health class today?"

"I don't want to talk about it, OK."

"Mine was a lot of fun. We talked about how girls become women, you know, breast development, having periods, dealing with cramps. Most of us girls are already pretty well into the process. I thought of you when one girl asked when she would start getting bigger breasts and everyone sort of laughed because she was so flat. Too bad you couldn't have been there - at least you could learn about what you are missing. And ..."

"Kaylie, I don't want to talk about that."

"... then we talked about how girls get pregnant, something you don't have to worry about, and got all sorts of warnings about ..."

I couldn't listen any longer. "I'm so confused. This past year I have really enjoyed all the time I have spent as a pretend girl. But..."

Finally Kaylie got the message. "You are really afraid of what will happen soon, right?."

I looked at Kaylie. "This is all going to end when puberty hits me!" I started to cry. Kaylie put her arms around me and we cried together. After a while Kaylie said she really needed to go home, got her things, and left.

***********

I went to my room, threw myself face down on the bed, and started thinking about the private conversation I had with StacyLyn toward the end of the evening picnic on our last full day at Bryce Canyon. She had asked to speak to me privately and we had gone off together away from the campfire. After making me promise to keep this conversation a secret she started talking about her 'Aunt Jessica.'

"Remember when I mentioned Aunt Jessica several times today? StacyLyn had said."

I had replied, "Yes."

Then she had dropped the bombshell. "Aunt Jessica is my biological father."

In the following minutes StacyLyn had described how her father always felt he should have been a woman and finally decided to get medical help to transition.

"Mom tries really hard to be understanding, and she wants me to have an ongoing relationship with my real father. But it's hard for her. She just couldn't accept a lesbian partnership with Jessica after being married and having three children with Jesse. Five years ago my father announced ..."

I couldn't remember all the details of what she told me that night. It was too overwhelming. But I do remember how she ended the conversation.

"You know, there is an old saying that every girl wants to marry a man like her father. Maybe that's why feminine boys interest me now. McKenzie, I want you to stay my friend."

********

I got up from the bed and sent a text message to StacyLyn. I felt she would be sympathetic, and that is what I needed. 'need to talk 2 U. health class - puberty. IM afraid.'

To my delight my phone rang only a few minutes later. StacyLyn was totally supportive. She is such an awesome person. What was encouraging is that she reminded me there were ways I could be 'helped' and that Aunt Jessica was knowledgeable about all this.

"You really need to talk to Aunt Jessica."

"But how? We live four hours drive away. Besides, your parents don't know my situation, and my Mom wants to keep it a secret."

"Believe me, my family knows how to keep things quiet. Look, have your mom call mine. I will just tell her to expect a call."

"Are you sure the idea of calling will work?"

"Of course. McKenzie, and believe me you shouldn't have to face this alone."

I agonized all the next day about having Mom make the call. This seemed to be asking for trouble, there was no telling where this would lead. Finally, while cleaning up after dinner I awkwardly said, "Uhh, Mom? Uhh ... StacyLyn called last night, and she ... er ... wants you to call her mother, like sometime soon."

Mom calmly looked at me. "Sure, Mrs. Waterman is a charming woman and I will enjoy chatting with her. I wonder what it's about?" With that she headed to the living room and left me to finish cleaning the kitchen. After a few minutes I realized Mom was on the phone. I sat down quietly near the door and listened the best I could.

"... but enough reminiscing about the wonderful trip when StacyLyn and McKenzie met. There must have been a reason why StacyLyn wanted me to call you."

"... I see ... that's amazing ... yes, I agree ...."

I really wished I knew what was being said on the other end of the call. I was sure it involved me. The next turn of the conversation left no doubt.

"How long have you known about McKenzie?" ... "You, mean StacyLyn told you right after we met on the Fairyland Trail?" ... “You asked first?” … "Well I suppose Jessica gave you experience in reading the signs.

"Yes, ... I agree ... I think StacyLyn has been very supportive of McKenzie. ... There are so many issues for us to sort out. ... Yes, it was best for you to wait for us to be ready before having this conversation."

"So you really think it would be helpful for McKenzie and me to meet Aunt Jessica? ... I certainly promise to listen to her." ... Yes, a spring break trip to Bryce Canyon sounds like an excellent plan. .... Yes ... OK, let's do it."

I came running up as Mom put down the phone. She put her arms around me but didn't say anything for a while. Finally she started, "McKenzie you know I love you whether you act like a boy or a girl. Aunt Karen keeps saying I need to be more supportive of your feminine interests, but I have been holding back. I am still so concerned about anything that could upset the custody decision. I want you exclusively with me, ... "

"Yes, Mom. I don't want Father interfering, and ..."

"... and I know that is what you want too. There is a real risk arranging for you to meet with a transwoman like Jessica, but Mrs. Waterman convinced me that it would help you. Are you willing?"

"I'll do it. StacyLyn has been suggesting that I meet her Aunt Jessica for months now."

Mom and I talked for a long while before calling it a night. The next day I told Kaylie about the phone call and the planned return trip to Bryce Canyon. She was excited, and I was finally able to share StacyLyn's secret with Kaylie.

"You remember when StacyLyn and I had that private conversation away from the campfire?"

When I finished retelling the story Kaylie responded, "I know that you will enjoy seeing StacyLyn again and I am SURE you and Aunt Jessica have plenty in common to talk about."

"I'm worried about what is going to happen to my body in the next few years. I'm not sure I want to go through what Jessica has."

"Come on cousin. You were meant to be a girl. Why do you keep torturing yourself by trying to stay a boy?"

**************

For the next few weeks I was really anticipating the trip. What amazed me is how often my concerns turned to girl-type questions like what clothes to bring, just one skirt or two, what necklace looked best with my blouse, should I bring my full makeup kit or just a few essentials. Obviously I was going to be 100% girl for the trip without any need for prodding. Finally Spring Break arrived and we were off.

The drive from home to Bryce Canyon National Park was familiar this time and the miles went quickly. Unlike the first trip I was fully confident that I could pass as just another girl in the crowd. I did have a concern. Being seen by anyone who knew Mom, Aunt Karen or Kaylie would blow my cover no matter how well I presented. I realized I had been lucky the last time, but this was Spring Break for my school. A lot of families took advantage of the break to take short vacations, so there was a reasonable chance of running into someone from Santa Carla. I put this worry aside. The bigger issue on my mind was what would happen when I met with Aunt Jessica.

The first line of spectacular red cliffs came into sight as we turned onto Highway 12, a scenic road leading to Bryce Canyon National Park and then continues east through spectacular canyons before climbing over a mountain and ending near Capitol Reef National Park. Maybe we could take a vacation further east on Highway 12 sometime.

"Ready for a rest stop, girls?"

Kaylie and I responded affirmatively in unison. We stopped at a gas and groceries place. As Mom took care of the fuel Kaylie and I strolled into the ladies room and did our business. We bought some not-too-fattening snacks and headed back to the car. As Mom pulled out onto the highway I noticed a familiar car pulling up to the fuel pumps behind us. I glanced back and saw two boys that Kaylie and I knew from school get out of the car. That was a close call. "Mom, the family in that car are people we know.'

"Well, I told you there was a risk to this trip. We will have to deal with it. McKenzie, did you bring the emergency boy clothes like I asked?"

"Uhh, no Mom. I needed room in my suitcase for ...."

"McKenzie, you know how many times I warned you about having a backup plan in case you need to get back into boy mode fast. Remember the day the custody evaluator showed up? Thank goodness Kaylie had some gender-neutral clothes to loan you."

"Yes, but ..."

"Well, dear. We will just have to hope we can avoid them."

"Mom, I think they are right behind us. What if they see me?"

"Well, your hair is the same length as always, run your fingers through it an push it more into your school day style. Through the car window they won't be able to see the details of what you are wearing."

I sat nervously as they followed us for miles as we climbed up Red Canyon and headed across the high plateau beyond. To my relief they pulled into the left lane, passed us, and continued east when we slowed down to turn south from Highway 12 onto the road into the park. I slouched down and held a magazine in front of my face while Kaylie smiled and waved to the boys. In a few more minutes we were rolling into the tourist complex just outside the park entrance. I looked at my cell phone to check the time. We had only an hour before we were scheduled to meet StacyLyn and Aunt Jessica.

Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica:
The families have arranged a spring break vacation that will give McKenzie a chance to meet StacyLyn's 'Aunt Jessica.' How will the conversations on this repeat visit to Bryce Canyon affect McKenzie's future? What will be the consequences of McKenzie not bringing an emergency set of boy clothes?

Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica

For the past year I have been living, well more surviving, as a closeted girl at home while dreading the hormonal changes that were already starting to affect most of the other boys in my class. Cousin Kaylie and her mother, Aunt Karen, were my biggest supporters. Mom remained endlessly concerned that my feminine interests would cause problems with the judge who was handling her divorce from my domineering and philandering father. Meanwhile, Father seemed to be harassing Mom by dragging out the proceedings in family court. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had met StacyLyn who told me that she only liked girly boys and shared the secret that her biological father was transgendered. Now she had managed to convince our families meet up for a short vacation so I could talk to her 'Aunt Jessica.'

We checked into our motel room without incident, unlike our first time here at Ruby's Inn. We all freshened up after our drive, and I found myself sorting through all my clothes and accessories deciding exactly what to wear for the rest of the day.

"For heaven's sake hurry up McKenzie, you are a girl hiking in the park, not a fashion model in a sportswear catalog."

"OK, Kaylie. I am just having trouble figuring out how to make the best impression."

"Don't worry. Everyone here accepts you for exactly who you are, dear," added Aunt Karen.

"And remember that I am taking my 'daughter' out in a public place. You shouldn't call too much attention to yourself."

"Yes, McKenzie, no deep scoop neck tops or push-up bras to show the boys your boobs."

"Kaylie, stop that."

I decided on a practical choice of trim-fit jeans, a decorative belt, and a floral design sweatshirt over a sports bra. The day was overcast and the temperature was quite cool due to the high elevation of the park.

I filled my water bottle and made sure I had a jacket and sunscreen in my pack. Given Mom's warning to not be conspicuous I decided not to wear any makeup, but I took a lipstick along anyway. As a final feminine touch I tied a ribbon around my short, but real ponytail. Finally we were all ready to meet StacyLyn and her group.

We had arranged to meet by the large fireplace in the main Ruby's Inn building. The hotel-store-restaurant complex is centered on a large entry room decorated in faux Old West with hunting trophies and cowboy artifacts everywhere. We were just sitting down when I say StacyLyn come through the huge front doors and head straight toward me.

She threw her arms around me in a quick hug. "McKenzie, you look so, like, neat. It's awesome to see you." She stepped back to take a good look. "You certainly have changed."

"I've had practice and tutoring.

"You bet, I help my cousin get some girl time in every day after school."

"How was the drive?"

"We're here, but Mom is really concerned about running into someone who knows us. She doesn't want any rumors to get started. You know how small towns like Santa Carla can be."

"That makes sense, at least for now, I guess. Here, meet my father, Aunt Jessica."

I hadn't noticed the tall, heavily built woman who came up behind StacyLyn. She was dressed like someone heading to a country western dance hall. Embroidered jeans, bra outlines showing through a fancy ruffled top, medium heel pointed toe boots, and lots of bold Navajo turquoise jewelry. Her lipstick picked up the red in her blouse and her eye shadow and nails picked up the green-blue of the stones. Neatly styled blond hair cascaded over her shoulders.

"Hello, McKenzie. StacyLyn has been telling me all about you, and I really envy your fine taste in clothes."

"Thanks."

"I wish I could have dressed like you when I was your age. Anyway, we will have lots to talk about."

"Where's Jacob?" Kaylie asked.

"My foster father is a bit phobic about all this. He decided to take Jacob on a male-bonding fishing trip on the Sevier River today. We'll see them after dinner at the earliest."

Aunt Jessica tried to get us moving. "Let's go for a hike now. We can talk a bit on the trail. We don't have a lot of daylight left after all the driving."

"Which trail?"

"Queen's garden and Fairyland both seem appropriate," said Kaylie.

Aunt Jessica noticed me admiring her hair as we waited for the shuttle bus. "It's a wig. I became bald before I became a woman. Male hormones do nasty things," she whispered in my ear.

That comment sent shivers down my spine. As we sat down on the bus I started thinking again about all the things that would soon start happening to my body. StacyLyn was sitting next to me and could sense that I was a bit upset. "Aunt Jessica knows what you are going through."

Actually we decided on the Navajo Loop, though I would have preferred a return to the Fairyland Loop. A lot of wonderful things happened the first time on that trail. StacyLyn, her sister Sarah, Kaylie and I took the lead as we headed down off the rim into the canyon while the four parents followed behind. I really enjoyed hanging out with Kaylie's friends at school but for this hike I was not just accepted by the girls, I was one of the girls. We chatted about everything -- gossip, fashion, boys, music, makeup, hair styles, growing up. The combination of being outdoors surrounded by spectacular scenery and supportive friends made me forget my concerns for a while.

****************
I was wondering about dinner as we were heading back to the motel after our hike. Last time we all dressed up really fancy and had an elegant mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant. I would have loved to do that again, but there were problems with the idea. Mom, of course, would be concerned about other people from Santa Carla seeing us in the dining room. More importantly, there were things that I needed to talk to Jessica about that I didn't want anyone to overhear. StacyLyn came to the rescue again.

"Aunt Jessica, why don't we order take-out pizza tonight and eat in the room. That way McKenzie can talk to you in private.

"Great, I'm starving for pizza," added Kaylie.

That decided, we headed to our rooms to wash the trail sweat off. I dried my hair and brushed into the most feminine style I could manage given the limited length. I replaced my hiking sports bra with a lacey heavily padded bra I used only for real occasions. I was glad I had decided to bring my newest floral print spring dress. It had nice lines that flattered a shapeless body and made a bit of a statement by ending well above my knees.

"Be careful how you sit. You don't want to show what other girls don't have."

"Yes, Kaylie. Now will you mind helping me button the back?"

StacyLyn's family had rented a suite consisting of two adjacent rooms with a connecting door so they had plenty of space. Besides Jacob and Mark Waterman were still off fishing when Mrs. Waterman came back with the pizza. Sarah grabbed a couple slices and headed back to watch the TV. The show looked interesting so Kaylie and StacyLyn did the same. Jessica suggested that Mom and I sit with her at the table in the other room so we could talk without the electronic distraction. We ended up talking for hours.

This was my first experience talking to a TG woman in person. Over the past year Jessica had suggested some really helpful internet sites, and StacyLyn had passed the links on to me. An in-person conversation is really different because you become sensitive to the other persons unspoken thoughts. We talked about when I first started feeling I should be a girl and continued through the events of the last few months. We bounced from stories of my playing jump rope with the girls in first grade to my uncomfortable experience in health class last month. Over and over Jessica told me I had 'options' and that help was available. Mom listened and occasionally asked a question. From time to time Aunt Karen joined us, said something encouraging, and then wandered back into the other room. I sensed she knew this was something Mom and I had to resolve.

I kept mentioning my terror about puberty and hormonal changes. Jessica carefully explained about drug treatments and emphasized that if I really wanted to feminize then the sooner I started the better the results would be. She expressed regrets about all the irreversible changes that had taken place in her teen and college years when she was still in denial. The 'counseling advice' from a Mormon bishop back then had been to get married because having a relationship with a woman would 'straighten things out.' Jessica explained how she had finally accepted the truth and started transitioning. At times this all sounded reassuring, but I got upset again when she described how expensive and painful beard removal and facial feminization surgery had been for her. This was something I did not want to undergo.

The conversation with Jessica had left me emotionally drained. I now knew a lot more about the options that would be open to me. I was just assuming that Mom would be fully supportive of me becoming her full-time daughter. We really had never fully discussed what would happen with my dressing activitiess once Mom had full custody. As Jessica reminded me, both staying as I was born and transitioning would have irreversible consequences. The choices were scary, and the more I thought about it the more upset I became.

Finally we realized how lated it was and we decided we needed to get some rest. Hiking in the high-altitude desert air is tiring. Besides Jacob and Mark had returned, and hours of wading in the stream with a fly rod had worn them out too. All of us girls hugged as we said good night. Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie and I headed back to our room, and quickly got into our night gowns and ready for bed.

"So McKenzie, did Jessica tell you where to go to get it cut off?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I sobbed as I planted my face in the pillow.

Aunt Karen looked sternly at Kaylie. "Young lady, you need to be more supportive of your cousin. You don't have to deal with the issues that SHE is going through. Now get to sleep."

************
Sometimes sleep helps clear the mind and, other times good healthy outdoor activity works wonders. We slept in late the next morning so I had the benefit of both. We had scheduled a full day at Bryce Canyon, so we had decided we had enough time to have a leisurely breakfast then hike the Fairyland Trail. I was glad everyone agreed on this hike since it gave me a time to revisit the good memories I had from the first trip. I was wearing my usual, a practical but feminine outfit. StacyLyn, Kaylie, and I walked together joking about all the events from that day when we first hiked this special trail. Jessica, Aunt Karen, and Mom stayed close to us. Meanwhile Sarah alternately dashed ahead and lagged behind. Jacob and Mark Waterman set off at a fast pace and deliberately stayed far in the lead.

"My brave brother Jacob is still embarrassed about hitting on a boy named McKenzie by mistake. It's not his fault, you really did pass as a girl even way back then."

"A lot of men are really uncomfortable with transgender people. They act like it's contagious. You just have to accept their attitude and be yourself."

I turned to Aunt Jessica. "Talking to you really helped me yesterday. Thanks."

During gaps in the conversation my mind returned to the question of my gender identity and how I was going to deal with puberty. I must have seemed a bit absent mentally.

"Come back to earth, McKenzie. We are coming to the place where we posed for the photographer. Remember."

"It was amazing watching you trying to pose like a girl that day. It didn't take long for you to get the hang of it. That's when I decided you were a special boy," added StacyLyn.

"Well, it was fun figuring out how to show off the breasts and hips that I didn't have."

"Well, I thought you looked a little awkward," Sarah chimed in.

"Remember, Sarah, that was McKenzie's first time in public as a girl. I think she was very brave," added Jessica. "McKenzie is lucky to have such a delicate build and pretty face. Not every boy has those natural advantages."

"Those are only advantages if the boy wants his mom to make him into a girl."

"Kaylie, don't confuse me. I need to think." With that I drifted again into a contemplative mood. My future seemed so confusing. Whatever I decided in the next few months would shape me for life. I could take the 'easy' route, throw away all my girl clothes, and focus on growing up male. But was that the right path for me? What would the default outcome be if I stayed indecisive? On the other hand if I became a girl full time who would I date in high school and beyond? At least the magnificent scenery occasionally brought me back to the present time and place.

We started hiking quite late and we had taken our time so it was already turning to evening when we climbed the last section of the Fairyland Trail that lead out of the canyon to the Rim Trail above. The low-angle sun highlighted the red rocks and the shadows emphasized the fantastic shapes of the rock formations. I looked down into the canyon and felt at peace with myself.

I indicated to Mom that I wanted to talk and we sat down on at a marvelous viewpoint overlooking the area we had hiked trough. The others must of sensed what was happening because they all moved out of earshot farther down the trail. I was glad that what I had to say would not be interrupted by Kaylie's teasing or Sarah's childish wisecracks, but I would have loved to have StacyLyn beside me for support.

"Mom, ... I need to tell you something important."

"Yes, dear. I'm listening." She must of sensed my nervousness because she took my hands and held them.

"I have decided ..." I took a deep breath, this would be decisive. "... that I don't want to grow up to be a man like Father."

"McKenzie, you are a gentle and sensitive person. No matter what you do you won't be like your father."

"No, I mean, that is, uhh... I don't want to be a man at all. I want be a girl and grow up ... as a woman ... and ....."

Mom pulled back momentarily like she was frightened by what I had said, then she looked into my eyes. "Is that really what you really want, or has Jessica been putting ideas in your head?"

"That's what I want. I have been thinking about this all year. I ... I don't know exactly how to say this. The times I have felt most my self have been when I was dressed up as a girl. You know how quickly I change when I get home after school and ..."

"Maybe you just like dressing up."

"I don't want to be your pretend daughter for a while then go back to being a boy. I want to be your daughter."

"It's not that easy. Remember everything that Jessica has told you about all the suffering she went through. The expenses, the loss of Jesse's friends, awkward social situations when she was transitioning, her difficulties at work, the expensive medical treatments, the separation from StacyLyn's mother, the ..."

"I know, but also know I would suffer more if I grow up as a boy then find myself stuck for life as a male."

Mom had tears in her eyes as she hugged me. "McKenzie, I love you. We will work this out, but everything will have to wait until the custody decision is final. Your father would intervene if he had any idea."

We sat quietly for a few minutes before getting up to join the others who had been waiting ahead on the trail. I grabbed Kaylie and StacyLyn and turned them toward me. "I did it! I told Mom that I want to become a total girl."

StacyLyn threw her arms around me. "Brave girl."

For once Kaylie wasn't a tease and just went to get Aunt Karen. This was news to be shared. Mom stood back looking a bit concerned. Sarah seemed oblivious to all this and was scratching in the sand with a stick. And, of course, Jacob and Mark were no where in sight. Given what happened next I was of glad they had just continued along the trail while the females waited for me and Mom.

Jessica stepped up to Mom. "It would be so terrible if McKenzie went into male puberty when she is so close to being able to transition. I really recommend you get her on blocking drugs to suppress the male hormones right away."

"I can't do that. There is no way I would risk talking to a doctor in Santa Carla right now with custody pending. Remember a court subpoena trumps confidentiality. Besides I can't imagine how I would even bring up this sort of idea with any of our usual doctors. "

"I can give you the contact information for a very sympathetic clinic in California. The head doctor is a bit controversial, but they know how to protect patient privacy. It is a long day's drive each way, but no one outside the family needs to know you even took McKenzie there."

"I'll have to think."

That last comment by Mom worried me, but there was little more that I could say or do.

We finished the hike and returned to Ruby's Inn. We decided to eat in the restaurant and, of course, I used this as an opportunity to dress in my most feminine spring clothes. Kaylie and I decided to wear the complementary outfits our mothers had bought for us - same style dress in different colors. At the table Kaylie and Mom sat on either side of me and StacyLyn and Jessica were opposite. I couldn't help but notice that Jacob and Mr. Waterman positioned themselves as far as possible from me and Jessica. I also noticed how Mom scanned each new party entering the dining room to see if there was anyone she recognized from Santa Carla.

The day had worn me out. Both the hiking and the conversations had been exhausting. But, I had told Mom my wishes. I was thinking about the implications of all that had happened as I dozed off.

*****************
The next morning StacyLyn called our room and asked if she and Aunt Jessica could come over before breakfast. I said I was still getting dressed, and she replied that was fine because they wanted to bring something for me to wear anyway.

Jessica and StacyLyn arrived with a shopping bag. "I have some gifts for you. I wanted to give you something nice to wear today. Here is a really cute stretch nylon vee-neck top. But before you put it on I need to and teach you a few t-girl tricks. Take off your top and that unflattering sports bra."

I looked around. I had gotten used to undressing in front of Kaylie, Aunt Karen and Mom, but StacyLyn was sort of a girl-friend and she was the one who immediately read me as a boy the first time we met. At least I could turn my back as I stripped.

"Go ahead, we're all girls here now." Jessica started taking things out of the bag. "Here, put this on. It's a special design of push-up bra. But, first brush a little of this makeup down the center of your chest. Good. Now, take this tape and apply it the way I tell you."

In a next few minutes Jessica worked magic on me. The tape, combined with adjustment of the push-up pads and the bra shoulder straps pushed my chest up and inward. As directed, I pulled the blue and white top down over my head then looked in the mirror. I saw what looked like a pair of real breasts popping out from the edges of the deep vee-neck with a distinct cleavage separating them.

Kaylie and StacyLyn watched with fascination. \"McKenzie you look lovely," chimed StacyLyn.

As usual Kaylie had to get in a wisecrack. "I'm jealous. My cousin looks like he has bigger boobs than me."

Mom, looked alarmed. "Do you think McKenzie should really go out dressed like that?"

"Well, why not?" asked Aunt Karen.

"I warned yesterday about not calling too much attention to herself."

"It's time for McKenzie to go out and express her beauty," added Jessica.

"Please, Mom. I like it."

Mom reluctantly agreed. We headed across the parking lot and into the main lodge building for the breakfast buffet. As we walked I had a distinct feeling that boys and men in the crowd were looking at my chest with a bit more interest than yesterday. Of course Jacob went out of his way to ignore me and my 'enhanced' appearance.

We wanted to have a relaxing day and drive back late, so we decided to start by looking at the exhibits in the park visitor center. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had been far too nervous to stand around in the museum area, but now I was totally confident. I found that the information on geology, erosion and cliff formation was fascinating, but I have always been somewhat of a science geek. Kaylie was more interested in the displays on the Native American's food and clothing. Given my announcement to Mom yesterday I decided I needed to show more interest in these domestic activities, so I let Kaylie set the pace as we wandered from exhibit to exhibit.

Suddenly Kaylie elbowed me. "Look, over there," she whispered.

I glanced up and saw Ms. Byland, a teacher from our Middle School, heading out of the exhibit area. Her back was turned and I had no idea of whether she had seen or recognized any of us. Kaylie and I headed in the opposite direction and ran into Mom and Aunt Karen coming back from the gift shop.

Kaylie spoke first. "I think we saw Ms. Byland leaving the museum, but she may not have seen McKenzie."

Mom turned pale. "I certainly hope not. This is what I have been worried about." She turned to Kaylie. "Let's get McKenzie out of here - now."

We hurried out of the Visitor Center with Mom keeping a eye out for Ms. Byland or anyone else who might know us. StacyLyn and Jessica stayed close so I was almost surrounded as we walked across the parking lot. Aunt Karen was somewere behind.

Once we were safely in the car Mom turned toward me. "I never should have let you wear that outfit in public. Usually you dress modestly and reasonably unisex, but that bra and stretch top are way too provocative. And hardly age-appropriate I might add."

Just then Aunt Karen showed up. "Ms. Byland greeted me and I decided it was best to distract her by carrying on a conversation while you got McKenzie into the car. She is here with two other teachers who are also enjoying school break. Of course they asked where Kaylie and McKenzie were. I made up a quick excuse, but now they will be expecting to see them."

"McKenzie, now you know why I wanted you to bring an emergency change of boy clothes. What if the teachers see you like this?"

Jessica was apologetic. "I caused this problem, let me help."

With that Jessica headed back into the Visitor Center. She came back a few minutes later with an adult-sized, solid-color, hooded sweatshirt with "Bryce Canyon" written on the front and back.

"Pull this sweatshirt on. It is thick and loose enough to cover your breasts and the bra lines under the stretch top."

"But Jessica, it's warm."

"I'm sorry but it was the only thing I could buy in the gift shop that might work. Pull it all the way down. It's long enough to cover the fancy design on the butt of your jeans too."

Mom looked paniced. "Get covered up. Now."

"Calm down, Carol. Most likely Ms. Byland didn't see McKenzie in the visitor center. Now McKenzie is back wearing something unisex. If the teachers see us now nothing will come of it."

"All these close calls make me nervous. Besides, McKenzie's skinny jeans and boots are not exactly something a boy would wear."

Jessica was trying to be supportive. "I had some close calls when I was starting to transiton but was still closeted to my neighbors and co-workers."

We quickly said our good-byes and left Bryce Canyon in a hurry without running into the teachers from Santa Carla again. We made a minimum of stops on the drive home. I kept the sweatshirt on and made sure it was pulled down over my rear end when we were out of the car.

We arrived home without further incident. Mom pulled the car into the garage, turned off the engine, and hit the remote to lower the door before she let me get out. Usually she was not this cautious about my being seen.

Over breakfast the next morning Mom clearly wanted to talk. "Jessica gave me a lot to think about and right now it is all a bit overwhelming. There isn't a lot I can safely do until the court proceedings are final. Until then, please be careful, dear."

I got up and put away my dishes. I must of seemed nervous and distracted. I was still trying to sort through everything that happened on the trip.

Mom came up gently touched my arm. "You told me something very very important while we were hiking the Fairyland Trail. I haven't forgotten what you said."

McKenzie continues waiting for the custody issue is settled and Father is removed from control over medical care decisions. The teacher who was at Bryce Canyon now wants to talk to McKenzie's mother. McKenzie sees the first signs of puberty begin to emerge and becomes desperate.

A Race Between Custody and Puberty

Our second trip to Bryce Canyon National Park had proven as eventful as the first. This time I met StacyLyn's biological father, Aunt Jessica, who educated me and Mom about transgender support resources and about the challenges that I would face if I decided to transition. At the end of our repeat hike on the Fairyland Trail I had found the courage to tell Mom that I did not want to grow up into a man. The big problem was Mom's concern about small-town gossip affecting the divorce and custody issues that were still pending before Judge Coleman. We were both afraid that my father would try to use my feminine behavior as a lever to retain legal rights over my upbringing and medical care. Meanwhile every day brought me closer to the hormonal changes that I dreaded. More and more of my classmates were showing the first signs of facial hair and changed voice.

The trip to Bryce had been an escape from the confines of Santa Carla and a rare chance to gain go out in public with Kaylie and StacyLyn and just be another girl. Presenting myself as a girl had been a big risk since this was spring break and lots of people from my home town were likely to be on vacation. That morning Jessica had taught me some t-girl skills, and I had left the motel wearing more makeup than usual and a stretch vee-neck top that showed simulated cleavage. I enjoyed the glances I had gotten from boys but we also had several close calls including when Ms. Byland, a teacher at my school, might have seen me in the Visitor Center. After spotting Ms. Byland I was hustled out of the museum area and into the car, and Jessica got me a oversized sweatshirt to cover up most of my appearance. Boxes of tissue and bottles of water had cleared the makeup from my face, but I had no boy clothes to change into. As a result we made a hurried departure for home Fortunately, we did not encounter Ms. Byland or anyone else from Santa Carla on our return. Now, my girl self now more closeted that ever. To minimize the risk of being seen as a girl I could dress at home, at Aunt Karen's, and in the car going directly in between, but that was all.

Being closeted made it difficult to have a decent wardrobe for my girl time. Given Mom's intense concern about community gossip getting back to Father I was certainly not allowed to waltz into a clothing store and openly shop for myself. We had worked out a few strategies as a compromise. Occasionally Mom did some 'gift shopping' and came home with a new item for me, but she was afraid to do this too often in case a clerk got suspicious about exactly who she was buying for. Aunt Karen and Kaylie came to the rescue with a couple of other work-arounds. My picking out mail order clothes then having Aunt Karen buy them on her credit card and having them shipped to her house was totally safe. After all Kaylie was my age and close to my size. But mail order denied me the opportunity to browse, admire, try on, select, and mix-and-match clothes like a normal girl. The other work-around was that the four of us would go shopping and act like everything was being bought for Kaylie. I got to browse and comment on choices but had to be careful that no one noticed that what we bought was not quite Kaylie's size. We were at the age when girls start having a growth spurt earlier than boys so she was now a little taller than me. On the other hand, I was afraid that I was already developing broader shoulders. I needed to address what was going to start happening to my body.

*****************
The week after the Bryce Canyon trip I was walking down the school hall at the end of the day when Ms. Byland came up to me. McKenzie, could you please step into my classroom? I need to talk to you."

I started to sweat. I knew that acting evasive just increased suspicions, but still tried an excuse. "I need to find Kaylie and get home right away this afternoon."

"It will take only a minute."

Reluctantly I followed. Ms. Byland was advisor for lot of extracurricular activities. I hoped that some club was what she wanted to talk about.

"Did you enjoy yourself over spring break?"

I wasn't sure how to take that question. It could be a polite conversation opener, but I immediately suspected she had seen me at Bryce Canyon Visitor Center and was asking how I felt about dressing as a girl. "It was OK, I guess."

"Just OK?" She smiled and handed me a note in a sealed envelope. "Please give this to your mother."

I headed back into the hall. I spotted Kaylie. "Ms. Byland gave me a note and asked me to give it to Mom."

"Well I can hardly guess what it is about. Maybe she has some fashion recommendations for you."

"Kaylie, this is serious! What should I do?"

"I don't see that you have any choice."

I got home and gave the note to Mom. She turned pale when I said it was from Ms. Byland. Her hands seemed to be shaking as she opened it. After a quick glance she sat down.

"Ms. Byland has asked to come here to talk with me as soon as possible. I'm sure it is about you. This is terrible. She must have seen you dressed as a girl at the visitor center."

"Are you going to invite her over?"

"What else can I do. Ignoring her will only make things worse."

*************

Ms. Byland came over after school a few days later. Mom had come home a bit early from work to tidy up the living room. Obviously, I stayed in my boy-mode school clothes that day. Mom had considered asking Aunt Karen to be present, but then decided this would make her look too defensive.

Ms. Byland arrived exactly at the scheduled time. She was neatly dressed as she always was at school. After a bit of friendly informal conversation Ms. Byland got right to the point.

"How long has McKenzie been dressing secretly as a girl?"

"You saw him at Bryce Canyon, didn't you? I really would appreciate if you would respect our privacy- what you saw was totally away from school."

"Mrs. Clark, I am trying to help."

"Help?"

"I have been suspecting something like this for a long time. I have known McKenzie since grade school and have seen that he has been repressing his feelings. You could always tell when his father was back from deployment because McKenzie would become even more withdrawn than usual. Recently he has been acting like he is hiding a guilty secret - that's not healthy."

I looked at Mom and could see nervous anxiety. "I'm sorry."

"McKenzie, never apologize for who you are. The McKenzie I see here is Santa Carla is always shy and trying to hide something. Last week at the Visitor Center I saw a stylishly dressed, attractive, self confident girl. She was animated, happy, and enthusiastic. Her appearance and body language was that of a leader who people want to have as a friend. I think the at Bryce Canyon I saw the real McKenzie for the first time." She paused and looked right at me. When I nodded in silent agreement she turned back to Mom. "At school McKenzie is happiest when he is around Kaylie's friends and the girls all accept him. When he is forced to be in an all-male setting he acts uncomfortable and withdraws. All the teachers notice this.

"Ms. Byland, I appreciate your trying to help. But please don't tell everyone about seeing McKenzie dressed as a girl in public."

"What concerns me is that keeping his real personality a secret is not good for McKenzie; People will respect him if he is honest first with himself. I am sure that the attractive, confident girl I saw in the national park would be accepted and popular here in Santa Carla."

"I absolutely can't let McKenzie parade around Santa Carla wearing a padded bra! This is a very conservative town."

"Mrs. Clark, or may I call you Carol?" Mom nodded. "People in this town have known for years that McKenzie is an extremely feminine boy. It's no secret, and it's not a big deal with most people."

"It will become a big deal if Sergeant Clark complains to Judge Coleman about how I am raising McKenzie. No matter what or how McKenzie feels inside I can't be seen as encouraging his acting like a girl. You can appreciate my concern -- the divorce proceedings are still before Judge Coleman."

"Judge Coleman is not as closed-minded as you seem to think."

"How do you know?"

"Judge Coleman is my second cousin. All the old families in town are intermarried. I talk to the judge at family gatherings all the time."

"Well, maybe he is progressive in his personal attitudes. I still don't want to take a chance."

"I respect your decision, but think you are being overly concerned." Ms. Byland turned toward me. "I want you to know that you come to me for help if you ever have a problem at school or elsewhere. I have no tolerance for discrimination or bullying. McKenzie, be who you really are, and be proud of it."

"Thanks. I may come and talk to you after class sometime."

"Anytime." Then she smiled. "You know, I would be delighted if the girl I saw at Bryce Canyon was the McKenzie that graduated from high school in a few years."

After Ms. Byland left Mom sat in the living room a long time. I decided it was best to leave her alone, and I went to bed early.

************
I was anxious to do anything possible to become more feminine while waiting in the closet. StacyLyn's biological father "Aunt Jessica' had emphasized doing things properly if I wanted good medical care, but she had also hinted at some 'grey therapy' approaches. One alternative therapy I had learned about was that 'excessive' use of lavender oil products sometimes caused slight breast development in boys. That sounded delightful. I started using my spare allowance money to buy anything and everything I could find over the counter that contained lavender oils: lotions, soaps, shampoo. Kaylie was with me on most of these shopping trips and sort of knew what results I was hoping for.

"So you think that using all this stuff is going to give you boobs? Why don't you just use tape and padding like Jessica taught you?"

"I read that this stuff can cause actual development in some cases. Maybe it will work for me too."

"How about other herbal treatments?"

"Like what?"

We were in the health and nutrition section of the drugstore." Well, this one is supposed to help women with hot flashes, maybe it can boost your estrogen too." She was definitely looking for something more. "Here it is 'Ultimate Breast Enhancer Formula!' Just the thing for you."

"I don't want to upset Mom by buying THAT in public."

"OK, I'll buy it and you can pay me back later. I'm a REAL girl and the clerk with think it's for me."

To my disappointment the lavender and phytoestrogens didn't work any magic. Actually my expectations were so high that I was not giving my self-medication credit. One evening I was wearing a rather tight girl-cut tee shirt when Aunt Karen took notice.

"McKenzie, turn so I can see your profile. Carol, look this is marvelous. Your little girl is starting to develop."

I blushed as Mom stood next to Aunt Karen and examined my figure. There was actually a little puffiness on my chest.

"McKenzie, I warned you about all the over-the-counter things you have been taking. Do you realize you are playing with fire? We have been trying to keep all this a secret and you have been trying to give yourself gycenomastia. What do you think a doctor will say if I have to take you in for a checkup or if you get sick?

"Don't worry so much Carol. Gycenomastia is becoming a more and more common medical condition these days. What with all the environmental chemicals around ..."

"I think McKenzie looks cute with those budding little boobs."

"Quiet, Kaylie! Let me talk to Carol in peace."

I was trying to sort all this out. Maybe I had already feminized more than I had thought. On the other hand Mom's reaction bothered me. She seemed to be having second thoughts about making me into a girl. I was getting more and more confused. I looked at Mom and Aunt Karen and decided this was as good a time as any to ask the question that had been bothering me.

"I need to understand what is going on. Will you two answer some important questions?"

"Of course, dear."

"Aunt Karen, why did you ever suggest my dressing like a girl on that first trip to Bryce Canyon? I enjoyed what happened, but I have never understood why you thought it was a good idea."

"McKenzie, I have known you since you were born. Even when you were a toddler you showed interest in girls' things. You probably have forgotten the doll you loved to play with, or the way you cried when your father found it and threw it out. I could see how happy you were whenever you had a chance to play in a girl role. But, as you got older I saw you struggling to suppress your feminine side in response to demands from your father. When Jared Clark was home he pushed you to be tough and do what he thought of as manly, and you always ended up upset and crying in your room. I could see the tragedy developing but there was little I could do."

I looked at her and nodded in agreement.

"I always felt that you would be happier if you were a girl, and I read a lot about gender identity in children. Carol and I talked a lot about this, but your mother was afraid of your father and his reaction. When your father asked for a divorce I saw an opening. I was sure that all you needed was a little push to send you on a path of discovering your real self."

I was misty-eyed by now. "Mom, do you want me to be a girl or not? Sometimes you seem delighted with having a daughter, but other days you seem to be discouraging me."

"I want you to be happy now and grow up to be happy and successful in whatever you choose. I am ..., how can I say this..., I"

"Carol, share with McKenzie the conversation we had last week."

"If you truly want to become a girl I will help you become one."

"Then why do you sometimes seem upset when I do things like try herbal treatments?"

"I just don't want anything to interfere with the custody issues. You don't want the court to demand that you spend half the year living with him do you? Or what if he insisted that you be sent to a military -prep boarding school? If I get the court to award me have full custody then he cannot interfere if I allow you to voluntarily transition into a girl. Until then we have to be very careful. "

The possibility of having to live with my oppressive father never crossed my mind. The idea sent shivers up my spine. Demands to play tackle football, go hunting and target shooting, hanging around the motorcycle park with his beer drinking buddies -- those where the things had happened during his times at home between deployments. I couldn't imagine facing months of this without Mom around was terrifying.

"I think I understand. You are willing to let me become a girl, but only after the judge makes the custody decision."

"McKenzie, you mother and I will be delighted to do everything we can to make you into a girl. Carol and I agree we have to wait until the time is right."

***************
I knew that puberty was fast approaching. The stuff they had talked about in health class seemed disgusting. I wanted no part of deep voice, beard, hairy chest, or big muscles. Kaylie had been right; I would have been much happier if I could have gone into the other classroom and attended the girls' session on puberty even if I didn't have the right plumbing.

Kaylie and I still spent a lot of time together after school. I appreciated her accommodating my dressing even though it meant that it limited her ability to invite other girls over. Obviously she couldn't have guests when I was in girl-mode at her place. One afternoon we had taken a break from our homework and were listing to music and singing along with the recordings. We were doing a rendition of a song by a female singer and I suddenly noticed trouble hitting the highest notes. I considered myself a good singer and had never had this problem before. I was scared.

That night I took a shower then carefully examined my body. I was sure I was seeing more and darker hairs than even a few months ago. I went to the guest bedroom and got the magnifying mirror I used when practicing with makeup and looked closely at my face. Thin fuzz was apparent where I had never seen it before.

The next evening I was wearing more feminine after school clothes than usual while I helped Mom in the kitchen. I sensed the Mom was in a good mood for a serious conversation, and she had just complemented me on how pretty I looked. I had been rehearsing what I was going to say all day, and I took this sign of accepting the girl McKenzie as a good omen.

"Mom, we need to talk about ... puberty. You know ... uhh ... the stuff they talk about in health class. Male secondary characteristics and all that." I had lost my carefully planned lines,

"OK. Let's sit down and talk."

We went into the living room and sat down close to each other on the sofa.

"I think I know what you want to talk about, You have mentioned many times how much you dread the idea of growing up as a man."

"Yes, I told you at Bryce Canyon that I do not want to grow up as ..."

"McKenzie, I love you, But, right now there isn't a lot I can do. The custody decision isn't final."

"Jessica suggested we go the clinic in California. She assured us that they know how to keep things confidential."

"That still is a big risk. Look how many close calls we have had."

"Mom, I think my voice is already starting to change. I can see more hair growing all over. I can't be a convincing pretend girl much longer. Jessica kept telling us that 'younger is much easier.' I don't want to have to try to undo all the awful things that testosterone will do to me." I started crying.

"McKenzie, dear, I know how you feel."

McKenzie has declared that he does not want to grow up to be a man. Signs of puberty appear and McKenzie begs Mom to schedule a visit to the clinic Jessica recommended. Will McKenzie get past the gatekeepers? Kaylie's remarks and McKenzie's increasing femininity lead to harassment incidents at school.

Gatekeepers and Harassment

Santa Carla is typical Utah small town where gossip spreads like wildfire and Mom has been terrified that my dressing as a girl could become an issue in the divorce and custody decision. As a result I she has insisted that I be closeted with only a small circle, Aunt Karen, cousin Kaylie, my friend StacyLyn, and StacyLyn's immediate family, knowing the full truth about me. The experience of going to back Bryce Canyon on spring break and openly presenting as a girl had been empowering. Away from home I had the marvelous experience of being a girl in the anonymity of a national park. The goal of the trip had been for me to meet StacyLyn's transgendered father 'Aunt Jessica."

Unfortunately one of my teachers, Ms. Byland, had also been visiting Bryce Canyon at the same time and had seen me in wearing a very provocative feminine outfit at the visitor center. The next week she came over to our house for a conversation with Mom. Ms. Byland expressed concern about my secretiveness, and said people in Santa Carla would respect me if I were open and honest about my femininity. Mom felt that my coming out now was too much of a risk, and was especially concerned because Ms. Byland was a relative of Judge Coleman.

In the last few weeks I had started noticing the onset of puberty. Trouble hitting high notes when singing, and hair in places where I used to have none were terrifying signs. Earlier this evening I had an intense talk with Mom about my concerns over approaching puberty.

**************
After talking with Mom about puberty I went to bed afraid that she was not going to be able to help me in time. I thought about Stacy's 'Aunt Jessica' and the struggles she had to make to look presentably female: the effort she put into speaking softly and gently to mask her deep voice; the heavy makeup she wore to hide the texture of her skin; the nail extensions that pulled attention away from her thick fingers. I wanted to grow up looking like a genetic woman, not a tranny. On the other hand, Jessica seemed to be accepted for who she is now by her current circle of friends. Jessica had talked to me at length about gender treatment options and emphasized how wonderful her support community was. I fell asleep troubled and confused.

When I came home from school the next day Mom seemed a bit agitated. She told me to hurry up and change to my after school clothes then we would talk. I tried to hurry, but I didn't rush. I felt that for this conversation I needed to look as much as a girl as possible. I picked my most heavily padded bra, not a sports bra like I normally wore around the house, and put on a skirt, not my usual jeans. I carefully brushed my hair, put in a couple of barrettes, and even applied a light touch of makeup. When I came back into the living room I saw she had some road and city street maps on the coffee table. She checked out my appearance as I walked in with my best hip swing.

"McKenzie, I had a long talk with Aunt Karen and she convinced me that we need to take the risk and go the clinic that Jessica recommended."

I threw my arms around her. "Thank you."

"I called the clinic and they said you needed a professional referral before they schedule an appointment. I called Jessica and she gave me the name of a transgender-care clinical social worker who will interview you by phone tomorrow. Come home right after school. With the time zone difference it will still be working hours where she is."

Jessica had warned me about professionals who acted as gatekeepers. Fortunately the tone of the call indicated that this social worker was very sympathetic. She explained that she always preferred to interview in person, but understood my situation with travel. After asking a lot of personal questions she told me to write a 'why I feel I am a girl' personal essay and email it to her for the files. She also asked for some photos of me both in my boy school clothes and as a girl.

As soon as I finished the phone call I sent a message to StacyLyn. An hour later I had an email from Jessica which started with 'be honest and truthful' then followed with a long list of buzz words that she recommended I work into the essay. I spent the rest of the evening working harder than I ever had on a school writing assignment.

The next night Mom and I spent a lot of time going through the photos she had on her computer. As we looked for the best ones to send I realized that Ms. Byland had been right. The pictures of me as a boy consistently showed someone whose body language and expression indicated shyness, withdrawal, and discomfort: arms crossed defensively, focus downward, standing away from the others. In contrast the pictures of me as a girl that she had taken at Bryce Canyon showed someone happy, confident, and close to her friends. Mom was hesitant to send the girl-mode pictures to a stranger, but I insisted that we needed to cooperate with the social worker. Besides the social worker had promised to treat everything as confidential.

Two days after emailing the essay and photos Mom told me that the social worker had sent a referral to the clinic recommending they see me as soon as possible.

This was fantastic. "Have you called the clinic yet?"

"Yes, they were will be able to see you in two weeks. You are just going to have to be a patient girl until then. I am just going to have you take an unexcused absence from school. I decided I did not even want to tell them I was taking you to a doctor's appointment. The less people know the better."

I hurried to my room and called Kaylie, then got on my computer and sent a message to StacyLyn. This was news to share. The rest of the evening my mind was on the upcoming clinic visit. I just knew things would work out.

*****************
For the trip to the clinic in California I wanted to be a feminine as possible in both external appearance and mental state. I had pressured Mom to help me get on puberty blockers, and I sure didn't want to mess things up in any way. During the waiting time before the clinic visit I tried to put my mind in 100% girl mode. I made a real effort to avoid doing anything masculine and spent my free time reading girls' magazines and chic-lit fiction. I must have packed and repacked a dozen times while waiting to leave. Kaylie was helpful with fashion tips and loaned me a few items. StacyLyn shared the excitement and kept sending me web links to helpful sites so I would know as much as possible before talking to the clinic. The day before I left I got a 'good luck' email from Jessica.

I was giddy with excitement when Mom ushered me into the car to leave. Even though it was before dawn she kept the garage door closed until I was safely in the car and shielded by the tinted back windows. The drive to California was uneventful and I spent the time alternating between homework and looking with envy at fashion magazines. I had a hard time thinking about school work given the prospect of getting medical help to prevent going into male puberty. After we were well away from Santa Carla Mom relaxed a bit. The occasional rest stops and restaurant lunch were my first opportunities since the spring break trip to Bryce Canyon to be in public as a girl. We arrived late, checked into a motel, and got to bed early so we could be up and to the clinic on time in the morning.

The clinic visit quickly became traumatic. Detailed interviews and medical histories were followed by a physical exam, blood samples, and more interviews. Everyone seemed professional but skeptical. It seemed they were asking the same questions over and over. Their attitude was making me nervous. There were interviews with the both me and Mom together and other interviews with each of us separately. Toward the end of the day Mom and I were ushered into the office of the clinic's medical director. I nervously sat down being careful to smooth my skirt underneath me and pull my knees together.

"Mrs. Clark, McKenzie Clark, good afternoon. I have gone through all the charts prepared by my staff today. According to the reports your presenting complaint was 'gender dysphoria and anxiety about onset of puberty.' Although McKenzie presents some of the well-recognized signs of being transgendered, I am frankly not convinced."

My heart sank. The clinic was not going to help me after all. Jessica warned me about doctors who claim to treat gender issues but instead play the all-powerful gatekeeper. But this was the clinic Jessica had recommended! I had not expected these people to be a roadblock. In my excitement since Mom made the appointment I never imagined the gate being slammed shut.

For what seemed like forever the doctor continued to comment on all the reasons why he was skeptical about my case: the recent onset of crossdressing coincident with my father's abandonment, the absence of extreme feminine self-expression at an early age. I had given honest answers to the interview questions. Now it seemed that all the efforts I had made over the years to please my father by trying to obey his demands to 'act like a man' were being used as evidence against me. The doctor expressed concern about my being closeted and Mom's secretiveness and said this made him suspect that my current behavior was more 'play acting' than real. In effect, my obeying Mom by not openly displaying femininity at school and around Santa Carla was more evidence against me.

"Moreover, cases like this require psychological evaluation over an extended period. We pride ourselves as being a leading clinic in transgender care and protect our reputation by being meticulous in evaluation of what is in the best interest of each patient. What I recommend is scheduling a complete follow-up evaluation once a year through high school. That will give us a much better basis for evaluating any possible ..."

Follow up next year? I couldn't wait that long. Every day I expected my voice to start changing. I tried to set these thoughts aside and listen to what the doctor was saying.

"... so there are a lot of possible directions for McKenzie. However, I do note that he is very concerned about going into male puberty in the near future. While I do not support rushing into transgender therapy I have also seen the devastating effects that body changes can have on an adolescent's mental health. I have noted McKenzie's attempts at self-medication with herbal and over-the-counter substances, and regard this as a high risk of progressing to black-market hormone therapy, a very dangerous practice. Also, gender confusion in teens often leads to tragedy, including suicide. As a doctor I have a duty to prevent harm ..."

I couldn't hold back any longer. "Doctor, are you going to help me or not?"

"Don't interrupt. Listen to what the doctor is saying."

The doctor looked at me with an expression of concern. "As I was saying, I want to prevent harm, and McKenzie is clearly at great risk. Fortunately, drugs are available that can delay puberty temporarily, and their effects are fully reversible. Stop taking the drugs and normal puberty begins, just delayed. In the future, and depending on further evaluation of your best interests, you can enter puberty under the control of either your own natural hormones, or under the control of prescribed cross-gender hormones. McKenzie, I am willing to consider drugs that can 'freeze' your development for a while and give you time to think before you have to make a permanent decision."

I took a deep breath of relief once I understood what he was saying. The clinic was going to help me after all. "Thank you," was all I could say.

"I am greatly concerned that you have not involved your usual physician at home. These drugs are powerful and require monitoring. I need you to promise to come back here next month. We will start with two powerful anti-androgens as pills. We can also put you on monthly injections of Lupron. Since your home doctor is not involved, you can get your blood test to monitor the effects of the drugs when you come for each monthly injection. It is best to think this over. If you want to start the injections come back tomorrow morning, tell the receptionist, and my nurse will take care of it. I will write the prescriptions now."

As we left Mom told me she was concerned about the need to make monthly trips back to the clinic and the cost of the drugs. This was obviously not something she could put on her medical insurance policy. We discussed my situation over dinner and she finally agreed to pay cash out of my college savings fund. We got the prescriptions filled at a pharmacy near the clinic the next morning then went to the clinic for my first injection.

I headed home with a sore behind and a lot of concern about Mom's willingness to continue making these clinic visits.

***********

Fortunately, the next month went quickly, and it was time for another visit to the clinic. Mom again expressed concern about the time and cost, but we went. The clinic personnel were efficient. I got a blood test and my next injection and we were back on our way home. Mom commented that this was a ridiculous amount of driving to get a shot. We talked about it a lot since we had plenty of time.

During the silences in the conversation I kept thinking back to a conversation I had with Aunt Karen several months ago. She told me that Mom was overly worried about custody and her emotions were getting in the way of her making sound decisions about me. Aunt Karen had also said that Mom had always been an insecure and indecisive person, and that she depended on her big sister Karen for advice. At the time I had not understood what Aunt Karen was getting at, but gradually it was starting to make sense.

As the miles went by I also thought back to the conversation I had with StacyLyn's 'Aunt Jessica' at Bryce Canyon. We had been talking about being closeted. Jessica told me that being partially or totally closeted was very common. One remark she made seemed to explain a lot about Mom and her concerns.

"A lot of feminine men sped their entire lives in the closet because they are terrified of the reactions of others if they came out. When young they worry about parents, siblings, and school mates. When older they worry about spouses, employers and neighbors. They use this fear as an excuse to avoid being true to their real selves."

The monthly trips to California continued for the rest of the school year, and it was getting harder to keep my situation hidden. The puberty blocking drugs meant that I continued to have a little-boy build and a high soprano voice. With each month that made me more of an outlier at school as the other boys in my class continued to mature on a normal schedule. My 'boy clothes' definitely included unisex and my pushing boundaries lead occasionally to frankly flamboyant choices. Between my appearance and the fact that I tended to hang out with Kaylie and her friends I was increasingly the target of both nasty comments and jokes that bordered on outright harassment.

A growing problem was that Kaylie wanted to also spend time with other girls. Once I started dressing Kaylie had dropped out of her dance class so she could be with me after school. I really appreciated that big favor. Kaylie's need to spend time doing girl things with her friends left me with two choices: be in girl-mode but lonely at home, or dress as a boy and hang out as much as possible with Kaylie and her friends. What I really wanted was to just be another girl who did fun things with her friends. For now I had to be patient.

**************
One afternoon Kaylie and I were walking back across the athletic field after gym class when we passed some of the older girls practicing cheerleader routines. They looked amazing with their shapely but muscular bodies wearing tight short-shorts and sports bras. My emotional reaction to their appearance was envy and not sexual attraction. Kaylie must have read my mind.

"I bet you wish you could wear an outfit like that."

"Quiet, we are at school."

"Come on, don't you want a nice pony tail and bouncy breasts?

Just then I noticed two boys following us close enough to overhear Kaylie. One was the Gary, the son of the ultra conservative, traditional family values gadfly Mrs. Russica. The other was Greg Coleman. I wasn't sure how he was related to the judge, but all the Colemans in town descended from a single pioneer family.

"Does pretty little McKenzie want to be a girl?"

We ignored them and kept walking.

"I bet McKenzie is going to try out for cheerleading, there is no way he could make the team in a boy sport."

"He'd look cute in a short skirt."

"McKenzie, can you wiggle your behind a bit more when you walk?"

After a few more taunts Gary grabbed my arm from behind. Fortunately one of the teachers was near by.

"Gary Russica, you know this school has a no harassment policy. Get away from them."

Kaylie and I headed into the school building. I was afraid to go into the boy's locker room to change but had no choice. I rushed in and out, then headed to class. That evening Kaylie and I had a serious talk.

"I'm sorry about what happened today."

"Kaylie, you need to be careful what you say at school.

"You know my teasing is all in fun. I like you and like your girl side too. Sometimes I just can't stop myself from saying something I think is funny."

"But those boys overheard your stupid comment after gym class, and look what almost happened. You know how concerned Mom is about community rumors. Gary's mother is always writing letters to the editor and posting on blogs, and Greg is a Coleman."

"I said I'm sorry. I'll be more careful from now on. Promise."

We shook hands. I decided that was too masculine a gesture and pulled her into a hug.

***********
One good thing did come out of the harassment incident -- it gave me the courage to suggest something daring to Mom. Kaylie had been talking about doing the school's cheer camp during the summer then trying out for the team in the fall. I knew this was something she wanted, but also knew it would mean I would have less time to spend as a girl with her and have more time girl time sitting at home alone. Eventually I realized that if people at school already considered me a big sissy then it would not be any worse if I took dance or cheerleading lessons with Kaylie. After all, there are male dancers and cheerleaders around.

Ms. Byland was the coach for cheer camp and she told me that if I ever needed help at school I should talk to her. When I approached her about the idea of my doing cheer camp over the summer break she was immediately supportive.

"It would be really good for you. You could do something fun with the girls and get some good exercise and movement training too. I promise I would never, never, mention your dress up activities or put you in any embarrassing situations."

Mom was reluctant, but I persisted. Finally she agreed that allowing me to do cheer was not out of line with contemporary parenting even though there had never been any boy cheerleaders at our particular school. Ms. Byland finally made the convincing argument to her.

"Carol, there are lots of cheer teams with boys on them, and most cheer competitions have coed divisions. There were several boys on the cheer squad with me in college so I know how to handle it. When the routine gets too girly you just have the boys move to the back and shout into the megaphones. I can always give McKenzie some substitute choreography if a dance routine involves too much hip movement."

Mom agreed but had real concerns. I was delighted and started looking forward to the summer break. Kaylie and Aunt Karen were totally enthusiastic.

"It will be fun to do something girly together. I promise I will not laugh at your wearing pants when the rest of us put on our cute short skirts."

"Kaylie, I asked you to be careful what you say, especially at school! Besides, cheer is athletic, not girly"

The first few days of cheer camp went well. Many of the girls were Kaylie's friends. I had been hanging out with them (as a boy) for years, so I fit right in with that crowd. There were a few other girls who were a bit uncomfortable with a boy doing the cheer exercises along with them, but most of them quickly got used to it. Brittany Benson was a hold out.

"Look, when cheerleaders perform in public the men and boys are way off in the distance. You were standing right behind me when we started that last routine, and your nose ended up inches from my butt when we all bent over."

Kaylie intervened. "Come on, McKenzie isn't like all horny around girls."

"Yeh, he hangs out with us all the time and is always well-behaved," added one of her friends.

After a few days of cheer camp some problems with my body quickly became apparent. Most of the girls had already started to develop wider hips and had the flexibility to do the splits. Some men can do the splits too, but it takes them a lot more time to work up to that much flexibility. My legs were always well off the ground and my back knee was bent when Ms. Byland asked us to drop down into splits.

The other body problem was that the and the anti-androgens prescribed by the clinic in California seemed to enhance the effects of all the lavender oil products I had been indulging in. The combination of suppressing testosterone and taking herbal estrogen-mimics had started to give me a noticeable amount of puffiness on my chest. Looking in the mirror I realized that this meant I looked a bit funny if I put on a really tight thin shirt. But, if I wore a loose shirt I tended to bounce a lot, and after several hours of running and jumping in cheer routines I developed definite irritation on my nipples. I was sort of embarrassed by this, but decided I could talk with Kaylie about anything.

"Well, wearing a sports bra like the rest of us would solve your problem."

"You know I can't do that!"

"OK, then wear two shirts. Put a really tight stretch bicycling shirt on first, then a loose t-shirt on over it. The bike shirt will tuck into your pants and not look like the support bra it is substituting as. The t-shirt will cover up your figure. "

Kaylie's suggestion worked. By the third week of cheer camp I was really getting into the routines and had memorized a lot of neat choreography. We were jogging back from the field for lunch when I noticed Gary Russica and Greg Coleman with a bunch of other boys at the edge of the field. Kaylie and I had taken extra time stretching at the end of the practice session and were lagging a little behind the rest of the girls.

"Let's catch up with the others."

Suddenly the crowd of boys had surrounded me and had pushed Kaylie aside. I looked around for help but the girls were heading through the gate toward the parking lot.

"Is McKenzie practicing to be a girl?"

"Let's teach McKenzie a cheerleader toss"

With that a couple of the boys grabbed me by the waist and violently threw me up into the air. Even though we had not advanced that far in the camp curriculum I knew that proper cheer tosses take preparation, coordination, timing, and are done with a spotter. As soon as my feet left the ground I knew I was in big trouble. I had been launched into an uncontrolled spin. I saw I was going to land head down just before I lost consciousness.

As I was being lifted into the ambulance I heard Ms. Byland say, "You will be all right. I called Dr. Coleman, and he will meet you at the hospital."

Coleman ... Coleman ... in my foggy brain I couldn't remember what that name meant to me.

Crisis Time
McKenzie has a double crisis. Harassment at summer cheer camp has left McKenzie injured and on the way to the hospital. There will be no way to avoid a full physical examination by the family doctor, who is also a brother of the Family Court judge who is scheduled to make a final divorce and custody ruling in a few weeks.

**********
Crisis Time

A lot has happened since my first experience as a girl hiking on the Fairyland Trail in Bryce Canyon National Park. Well over a year ago Father asked for a divorce so he could marry his military girlfriend. The more I thought about him the more disgusted I got. Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark was a classic military man, aggressive, gung-ho, tough, and expecting me to grow up to be just like him. While growing up I had wanted no part of this, and had been glad when his short visits home ended with another deployment. The last thing either Mom or I wanted now was for him to have any continued involvement in my life. Mom had expected the divorce to be final sooner, but apparently Father was causing things to slow things down by asking for schedule changes and extensions. All this time Mom’s insecure personality has made her terrified about community gossip causing issues in the divorce and custody process that was pending in Judge Coleman's court. Aunt Karen and Ms. Byland have been far less concerned, and even suggested that I would be better off being open about my femininity.

When signs of puberty emerged I had persuaded Mom to take me to the clinic recommended by StacyLyn's father, Aunt Jessica, and I was now on blocking drugs. My little-boy build, my always hanging out with girls, and my attending summer cheer camp made me the target of a lot jokes and taunting school. Toward the end of the summer I had been assaulted by a group of boys at the edge of the practice field.

**********
As the ambulance headed toward the hospital the EMT explained that I was strapped to a backboard with a foam collar around my neck since the way I hit the ground made a spinal injury possible. That meant that all I could do was stare upward and think. I could now remember being grabbed by the boys and being tossed into the air in an uncontrolled spin. I wondered what kind of undershorts I had put on this morning. For school I wore boy briefs, but sometimes for summer cheer camp I put on a pair of smooth tight-fitting panties with no fly. I was too confused to remember. As my mind cleared I realized there was no way to avoid a physical examination by our family doctor who was totally unaware of my visits to the transgender-care clinic in California.

On arrival at the hospital I was rushed into X-ray then was taken to an examining room where a nurse did a preliminary evaluation. I was told Mom was on her way. In a few minutes Dr. Coleman came in and began a full head-to-toe examination. He was calm and professional and his bedside manner was very reassuring. After a while he looked at the x-rays again and told the nurse that the spinal restraints could come off. He left for a few minutes then came back.

“McKenzie, it appears you have had a mild concussion and some severe bruises, but nothing that won’t heal in a few days. You will be fine for the start of school next week. You know, I haven’t seen you for some time, so I really need to update your medical history. Let’s go over all the prescription drugs and over-the-counter medications you are taking.”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, before I prescribe anything for your pain I need to be sure there will be no adverse interactions with anything else you are taking. Try to remember everything.”

I mentioned aspirin and a few vitamins.

“McKenzie, it is important for you health and safety that I have complete information. I sense that you are being evasive. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

I bit my lip and said nothing.

“I think we need to talk about something. I have noticed that your physical development is not what would be expected for a boy your age. Is this related to what you are concerned about?”

“Would you mind closing the door?”

Dr. Coleman had been our family doctor for years and was someone I had completely trusted when I was younger. Now he was clearly aware that something was wrong and seemed determined to get all the information. Slowly my answers became less evasive and I sensed that talking to him about my gender issues was the right thing to do. He kept reassuring me that whatever I said would be kept confidential and I believed him.

Finally I seemed to have answered all Dr. Coleman's questions to his satisfaction.

"McKenzie, you made the right decision in telling me the truth. I promise to treat this as confidential, but it would be best if you gave me permission to discuss what you told me with your mother."

"Permission?"

"Yes, you are old enough to make certain medical decisions about yourself. Doctors frequently deal with teenage issues related sexuality including venereal disease, need for contraception, and unplanned pregnancy. Many times teenagers are afraid to talk to their parents, and much harm would result if they could not turn to a trusted medical professional. Professional ethics and the patient privacy laws insure that a doctor can act in the patient's best interests even when teenagers do not want to involve their parents.

"But, involving parents almost always helps, and is something I recommend except in cases of neglect or abuse. I understand your reasons for keeping this from your father. Your mother already knows about your gender issues, I am only asking your permission to let her know we have had this conversation."

"OK, when she gets here you can talk to her."

Mom nearly fainted when she discovered that I had told Dr. Coleman about my closeted dressing as a girl, my attempts to self-treat with over-the-counter herbals, and my traveling to California to get puberty blockers. "McKenzie, this is awful."

"No, Mrs. Clark, discussing these issues openly with your family doctor is something that is best for McKenzie. I wish you had involved me earlier. I would have been willing to help before, and I am willing to help now. There is no need to drive to ten hours for a monthly blood test and injection. With your permission I can work with the clinic to take care of the routine monthly visits in my office and can exchange information with them so that the gender-care specialists can provide oversight."

"But, what about your brother, Judge Coleman."

"First, I respect patient confidentiality. Second, having psychological tendencies that differ from gender norms is not illegal. I regard McKenzie as having a medical condition that needs to be addressed. Third, my brother and I respect our professional boundaries. I do not discuss patients with him, and he does not discuss pending cases with me."

I don't know if Mom believed Dr. Coleman or not. She did not say a word on the way home. She seemed to be in a daze and driving on autopilot. When we got back home Aunt Karen and Kaylie were already there and they helped me get into bed. The pain reliever that the doctor gave me put me right to sleep.

**************
Mom's concerns increased when she got another call from the court-appointed custody evaluator. It appeared that my father was now raising the issue about my 'proper upbringing' and had asked for an investigation into why I was being harassed at school. The custody social worker would have to do another home-visit report for the judge.

Mom emphasized how important it was to show I was 'normal and healthy' in spite of my recent visit to the hospital after the injury. I carefully checked my room for any stray girl items before the social worker visit. For the interview I put on the most masculine clothes I still owned. To cover up my noticeable gynecomastia I put on a really tight tee shirt the compressed my chest and covered that with a heavy loose-fitting tee shirt, then a heavy outer shirt. I combed my hair into something boyish, and resolved to put on a credible performance. No ankles crossed, no knees together, no hands folded in my lap mistakes this time.

The social worker visit happened without incident, as best as I can tell. She did quick walk though of the house with a checklist that was basically building code and health issues - making sure Mom was housing me in acceptable conditions. Then we went through interviews with me individually and with me and Mom together. She was very reserved and professional in her manner, unlike last time she did not give much of a hint as to her thinking.

Afterwards Mom came out of the bathroom with a padded bra hanging from her finger. "I thought you checked carefully. I hope she did not notice this. She wouldn't have believed it if I said it was something Kaylie had left."

*******
Finally, the family court hearing date arrived. The lawyers had submitted their briefs to the judge, and all the court-requested reports had been filed. I convinced myself everything would work out, but Mom was incredibly worried. She kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Everything that could possibly affect Judge Coleman's opinion of her as a parent was cause for concern. Aunt Karen did her best to calm Mom down but it didn't help much.

To go to the courthouse I dressed up in my 'school best' boy clothes. Mom told me that I needed to be well dressed in court, judges expected that. Well outwardly I presented as a boy, but Kaylie convinced me that wearing 'something special' underneath would help my luck. I am not superstitious, but I took her advice anyway. I picked out my prettiest pair of panties, the pink lace-trimmed ones that were cut high on the legs and put them on. Then, just in case, I covered them with a pair of my white boxer shorts. Aunt Karen and Kaylie went with us to the hearing and sat next to me on the hard wooden benches. Mom and her lawyer, a very business-like young woman, were seated at a table up in front of the judge. Father's lawyer was alone at the other table. I was relieved to see that my father had not shown up when the time came for the bailiff to call for all to rise as the judge entered. Not having Father there would certainly not strengthen any arguments on his behalf. I sort of listened as the judge and the lawyers exchanged formal comments that really did not make much sense to me. I guess this is how courts work. Finally Judge Coleman picked up a paper and started to read a long series of legal items one after another. What I remember is when he got to the part about me.

"... and further, I award Carol Clark with sole and exclusive custody of the child, McKenzie Clark, as this court finds maternal custody to be in the best interests ..."

Finally! What Mom and her lawyer had been advocating for months was now approved by the judge. Kaylie put her arm around me in congratulations, and Aunt Karen whispered that she had never doubted that this would happen in the end. Mom had her back to me but I could feel the happiness radiating from her posture.

The judge concluded the official hearing. He stated we were now off the record but that he had some personal remarks to make to us. Father's lawyer asked if he could be excused, then packed up his papers and headed out without even looking at us. Judge Coleman watched him leave.

"I make these remarks in open court so neither party can accuse me of favoritism. Mr. Clark's lawyer chose to leave, and that probably makes things more comfortable for you anyway."

He continued by telling us how he felt it was really important for judges to make contribution to society by helping people deal with difficult issues in their lives. He remarked that he felt he had been able to make a difference today and wished us all well. All this seemed like polite, patriarchal advice. But what came next was totally unexpected.

"I went to a law school at a very liberal university and always have considered myself to have progressive attitudes. Judges and lawyers need to take continuing education, and this year I attended a session organized by the Lambda Defense Fund. That session really opened my eyes to contemporary issues of gender diversity and the legal needs of sexual minorities.

"As you may already know, the issue of McKenzie's feminine behaviors was brought up both in the brief submitted by Jared Clark's lawyer and by the social worker reports. Actually, in a small town like Santa Carla everyone has known about this for a long time."

I noticed that Mom's lawyer nodded in agreement. Mom looked surprised by the judge's remarks. I wondered where this was all leading and what it meant for me.

"The brief filed by Sergeant Clark read like a selfish tirade about traditional roles and said nothing expressing concern about McKenzie's well-being. I would not have given much weight to Mr. Clark's claim that McKenzie was being unduly influenced even before the gender law seminar. But now I understand, better than ever, that personality is a complex thing -- influenced by both genetics and environment. McKenzie needs to grow up to be the person he is comfortable being, nothing else.

"McKenzie, if you feel you need to express your feminine side I want you to do it openly and with confidence. I do not know if you will ultimately consider yourself straight or gay. You may grow up to be stereotypically male, a heterosexual cross-dresser, or you may decide you are transgendered and chose to become a woman. Yes, I said 'transgendered', because that is what actually I suspect from the social worker reports. No one actually put that in writing, but I can read between the lines. Whatever you become, I want society and the courts to protect your legal rights.

"Alternative forms of gender expression are not illegal, even if they sometimes disturb more traditional members of the community.

"What happened to you at cheer camp was totally unacceptable. Since the perpetrators are legal minors the school officials and juvenile court will need to sort out what happened and what needs to be done in response. However, if you ever find yourself threatened, harassed, or denied your civil rights, especially by any adult, you are encouraged to petition this court for judicial relief. I am proud that this court can serve as a protector of diversity in the Santa Carla community."

I was speechless. Mom's lawyer spoke up. "Thank you, Your Honor."

With that Judge Coleman got up and left.

This was unbelievable. The judge had known about me all along and was not disturbed about the very things that Mom had tried so hard to keep secret! Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie, and I rushed into a group hug as soon as Judge Coleman closed the door to his chambers. The bailiff reminded us to be quiet so we would not disturb proceedings in the adjacent rooms, but we were all so excited that we had a hard time controlling ourselves. We headed out to the courthouse parking lot that was blistering hot from the desert sun. As we started the car to get the air conditioner running we saw Judge Coleman heading to his car in a sport shirt and the over-the-knee shorts that are popular with men in Utah. I guess this is how he kept from overheating under that heavy black robe.

"You see Carol, there was nothing to worry about after all. Judge Coleman seems to have known more about McKenzie than I ever expected, but he did not consider McKenzie's femininity a problem."

"How was I to know?"

"Mom, does this mean I can come out of the closet finally?"

"It's wonderful that Judge Coleman is so open minded. Now we have to see how the rest of the community reacts to your feminine side, McKenzie."

"Let's go to the mall. It's air conditioned there and we can have lunch then do some shopping for the new girl in the family. I can't wait to see everyone's face when McKenzie and I show up at school in matching skirts."

"Quit teasing, Kaylie. Let me just enjoy what has happened."

Finally, the big question of custody has been resolved. I had been dressing as a girl in secret for almost two years since we took the 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon. This trip was right after Mom received the message that Father wanted a divorce. My support network of Aunt Karen, cousin Kaylie, StacyLyn and her biological father, Jessica, had helped me along on my personal journey toward femininity. Of course the biggest help was Mom getting me to a gender-care clinic where I got my prescriptions for puberty blocking drugs.

Mom thought that was Santa Carla a conservative, closed-minded town, and she had insisted I stay closed while the divorce and custody were pending. She had been terrified that my feminine interests would become public, and was really concerned that community gossip would be used as evidence that she was an inadequate parent, and justify allowing Father to retain some say in my upbringing. Aunt Karen had told me that Mom’s concern about the custody process was due to her insecure and indecisive personality. Aunt Karen, Ms. Byland my teacher and cheer coach, and eventually our family doctor all felt that I should be open about my identity. As it turned out, Judge Coleman already knew a lot about my feminine side, but was very very open minded about gender diversity. The Judge indicated that he suspected from the social worker reports I was transgendered, and told me that whoever I grew up to be I should be open and proud of it. I hadn't needed to be closeted after all. Now I wanted to take advantage of my new freedom.

***********

We headed from the courthouse straight to the Red Desert Mall. On the way I took my cell phone and sent a text message to StacyLyn with the exciting news. Aunt Karen and Kaylie were bubbling with excitement about my future. Mom was just relieved that it was all over and nothing had gone wrong.

"Judge Coleman was amazing. I would never have imagined that a rural, small-town judge would be so knowledgeable about gender issues and so accepting of diversity. He certainly did not fit my expectations."

"Carol, I told you there was nothing to worry about. What we also learned is that McKenzie's personality has not been a secret in this town. Remember that Ms. Byland commented that all the teachers have noticed that McKenzie is more comfortable hanging out with the girls. There is an old saying the 'movement never lies' and McKenzie's posture and body language have been giving a message even when you have insisted on strictly boy clothes in public."

"Yeh, McKenzie always acts just like a girl around my friends. I wonder what they will think about him, or her, now."

"I think we should all agree to use female pronouns for McKenzie from now on. She's not going to be a boy any longer," said Aunt Karen as we pulled into the mall parking lot.

We headed to the food court and I deliberately picked a 'weight watcher' special of salad with chicken and a diet drink. The blockers were keeping me from growing much, and sure did not want to become chubby. Kaylie had found an empty table in a quiet corner where we could talk. In a few minutes we had all made our purchases and sat down.

Aunt Karen opened the conversation. "Well McKenzie, are you ready to join us girls full time? And Carol, are you ready let McKenzie become completely a girl in public?"

I couldn't believe she said something like this in a mall food court. I glanced around to be sure no one was listening before answering with an enthusiastic 'yes.'

Aunt Karen noticed how I checked the area before answering. "McKenzie, if you are going to become a girl you have to be willing to say so openly and honestly in front of anyone. Remember the advice Judge Coleman gave you this morning. Be yourself and be proud of it."

"McKenzie, dear, I know we have talked about this many times. I would be delighted to have you become my daughter, but are you totally sure that is what you want?"

"Yes, I'm sure." We all held hands around the table in a gesture of support.

"Given what Judge Coleman said, I think we need to figure out how to announce to the community that McKenzie is now a girl. We need to get the news out ourselves before any rumors get started. Being open about this is the best way to deflect criticism from bigots and my ex's friends."

"Agreed, it's time McKenzie comes out of the closet, and we need to be dramatic about it. Let's use this afternoon to start the process. Openly taking her to a beauty salon then going shopping for girls’ clothes is a way to make a real statement. You may have arrived here as a boy but I want to see my pretty niece leave the mall. Are you ready?" Seeing me nod agreement she continued. "This is going to be a marvelous experience for you - a public makeover, my treat. Where would you like to start, hair, nails, or lingerie?"

Finally I had to say something. "I expected this would be my last trip to the mall as a boy."

"Why wait, let's start shopping for my girl cousin. I think McKenzie should get her ears pierced. That way we can share earrings, not just clothes."

"That’s a nice suggestion, Kaylie. McKenzie, what do you think about starting with a symbolic 'permanent change?' The jewelry store over there does piercing."

"But I'm dressed as a boy." As soon as I said this I realized my mistake. I was out of the closet now.

"So what? Some boys wear earrings too. Besides, you will not look like a boy by the time you leave this mall today."

"It will be fun," Aunt Karen added.

I looked around with both appreciation and apprehension. Finally Mom was going to let me come out of the closet, but she was letting Aunt Karen make a public spectacle of it. We took our lunch remains over to the food court trashcan, and headed to my first public transitioning adventure.

We had barely started to admire the earring displays when the store manager came over. I immediately recognized her as Heather, who had grown up in our neighborhood. She had just finished college and moved back to Santa Carla.

"Hello, Heather, its so nice to see you are back in town," said Aunt Karen.

"It's great to be back here away from the big city congestion. What can I do for you today?"

Mom spoke first. "We decided to get McKenzie's ears pierced. Both sides low on the earlobe just like Kaylie's."

Heather gave me a look-over. "I certainly know how to do that. Let's get him a nice starter set."

In a whirl I was seated in the chair. Mom, Aunt Karen and Kaylie gathered around as Heather made a pen mark on each ear and stepped back to check that they were even. Suddenly I felt a sharp stab first on one side, then the other. Heather handed me a mirror so I could see the results.

"If you don't mind my saying so, those earrings really make McKenzie look very feminine."

"He wants his Mom to make him into a girl. Neat, huh?"

"Kaylie, remember we agreed to use female pronouns for McKenzie from now on," corrected Aunt Karen.

"Well," said Heather, "SHE certainly looks pretty with HER new earrings!"

"Well that wasn't so bad," said Mom as we headed back into the mall corridor. "Heather was totally accepting and supportive."

I checked my text messages. Sure enough, there was already a congratulations from StacyLyn and even a message from her 'Aunt Jessica.'

"How about a trip to the salon next?"

I didn't argue as we headed into the beauty salon where Kaylie and I had been getting our hair cut for some time.

"Pretty earrings," the receptionist greeted me. "What can we do for you today McKenzie? Your Aunt called a few minutes ago and told us to reserve some time for you."

Just then, Nancy, my usual stylist came up to the counter. "We decided it's time for McKenzie to get a totally feminine hair cut," said Aunt Karen. "Do you think you can come up with something?"

"Of course! I have been expecting this for months. Once McKenzie expressed regret about having so little hair, so I have been letting it get a bit longer with each cut. I have the perfect style in mind."

"McKenzie, was this another of your ways to 'sneak out of the closet' without my noticing?" asked Mom jokingly. "Will you also have time to do McKenzie's nails? We are trying to give her a makeover today."

"Leave it to me. So, what's going on with McKenzie?"

"Aunt Carol has custody and wants to make my cousin into a girl!"

"Neat. I bet its really McKenzie's idea and not entirely his, oops her, mom's. Well, let's get started. Carol Clark, you will be delighted with your daughter's hairstyle. Anything else for now?"

"Uhh ..., one other thing. We have been trying to figure out how to get the news out into the community and ..."

"And you want me to tell all my customers the McKenzie is becoming a girl? That will be the juiciest piece of gossip I have had to tell in ages. Of course I will be delighted to let the 'secret' out."

Nancy chatted as she worked. It seemed like she was totally supportive of my being a girl and even wondered why I had waited so long.

"McKenzie, you have always been more girl than boy. It's so exciting to see you become who you were really meant to be.

I left the salon with a bouncy hairstyle with bangs and a shape that framed my face. Nancy had also added an age-appropriate touch of makeup, bright red nails, and she assured me that the news about would soon be all over town. Looking at my face anyone would now see a girl, but I still had my boy shirt, pants, and shoes on. As we turned the corner we saw Mrs. Russica, the nosy neighbor who had confronted Mom in the supermarket. She stood back and looked me over from head to toe.

"Disgusting!" She turned had headed down the corridor. This gave me a bad feeling. I expected her to do more that just express verbal displeasure, but I wasn't sure what she intended.

"Don't let her upset you, dear. You are going to have to get used to the fact that some people will always be upset about your gender presentation. Jessica warned you about that."

"You know, my niece would look much better without that 'disgusting' shirt and pants. Let's get her something pretty."

Aunt Karen steered us into the large department store anchoring one end of the mall and headed for the teen girl section. Kaylie grabbed my hand and started pulling me thorough the racks of clothes.

"Finally you can try on whatever you want. Let's like shop until we drop."

We picked up a few items and headed for the dressing room together only to be confronted by a stern-looking sales assistant.

"And where do you think you are going, Mr. McKenzie Clark?"

Once again I was confronting someone who knew us. Small towns are like that.

Aunt Karen came to the rescue. "May we speak to the manager?"

After a few minutes of negotiation the manager acknowledged that according to the chain headquarters policy I was entitled to use the dressing room to try on a blouse and slacks. It seemed his agreement was somewhat reluctant, but at least I got to check that everything fit. Another crisis was past, at least for the moment.

"Let's go somewhere where we are more welcome," said Aunt Karen. "I checked the websites for a lot of the chain stores regarding diversity policies before we came here today. Sometimes local management is not as open-minded as the national office. Linda's Lingerie is a local store, and the owner is a friend. Let's go there next."

Suddenly I found myself heading into a women's intimates store. I had 'shadow shopped' with Kaylie in such places, but most of my girl underwear was items Mom had bought for me. Today I would be publicly shopping for myself.

Kaylie elbowed me as we entered. "You remember who Linda is? She was our third grade teacher before she left teaching to start this business. I wonder what she will think of you now?"

"Hello, Karen, Carol. It's so nice that you came in. What can I do for you ladies today?"

I braced myself for what I knew would come next.

"We need to get some bras for McKenzie. We are in the middle of a big transition."

"No problem, happy to accommodate all customers." Linda led us toward on the racks toward the back of the store. "You know this is not totally unexpected. I have watched McKenzie growing up and have always felt he should have been a girl. Remember, McKenzie how I kept trying to get you to play with the boys at recess without success?"

I guess hearing such comments from people who knew the boy McKenzie was something I would need to learn to deal with. "Well, now I have asked my Mom to let me become a girl."

With that she indicated I should raise my arms as she wrapped a tape measure under my armpits the around the fullest part of my chest. I am sure she noticed the puffiness that the testosterone inhibitors combined with the over-the-counter herbal treatments had helped me develop.

"It's so you, McKenzie." She sorted through the merchandise. "I think this padded bra will be perfect for you right now. Let's take you back to the fitting room. If the size is right I recommend you get several in different colors, and get the matching panties too."

As we checked out Linda paid me a wonderful compliment. "McKenzie, you were always meant to be a girl and now you have found the courage to become one. I wish you well." With a wink she added, "Come back to my shop as soon as soon as you need something with less padding."

"McKenzie can't wait to get real breasts! Right cousin?"

I spotted a couple of boys I knew from school heading towards us we left Linda's shop. Kaylie saw them too and she closed ranks with me walking between her and Mom.'

The boys stared at me as we passed and I heard one of them mutter, "I think I'd kill myself before I let someone do that to me."

"Ignore them," Aunt Karen said loudly.

As Aunt Karen predicted, I did not look at all like a boy by the time we left the mall. The clerk in the shoe store had been someone we did not know, and I am sure he wondered why a girl had come into the store wearing boys' shoes.

Mom was her usual inward-focused self on the drive home, but she said one thing really significant. "Tomorrow you can pack up your unneeded boy clothes and we will take them to the donation center."

"Yes Mom." It was so wonderful for her to be finally willing to let me do make a full-time change.

Our neighbors from across the street were working in their front yard as we pulled into our driveway. I am sure it was a deliberate choice that Mom stopped the car in front of the garage and did not open the overhead door and pull in as usual. Of course, this meant I had to get out in full view.

"Good evening Carol. And is that you, McKenzie?"

"You need to learn how to introduce your new self. Let's go over and talk to Mike and Glenda," said Mom.

The Pallaks, our neighbors, were totally cool about my altered appearance, and I got compliments on my hair and earrings.

"You know, we have noticed McKenzie hiding in the car when riding between here and you sister's place and wondered what the big secret was. We always felt McKenzie was more of a girl than boy anyway. It's nice to see the girl personality out in public today. Is this going to be permanent?"

"I hope so," I replied sincerely.

"Wonderful, it's great having another girl in the neighborhood that we can hire to do babysitting."

"She will needs some training, but I am sure she will learn fast," said Mom. "See you again soon."

I collapsed once we were inside the house. It had been an intense day.

***************
The next morning took a marker pen and drew a heavy line across the page in my diary. Above I printed 'Boy' and below in my neatest cursive script I wrote 'Girl.' It seemed fitting to mark the transition.

Next I started to take inventory of the previous day. Judge Coleman, Heather, my hair stylist, Linda at the lingerie shop, and the neighbors across the street has all been supportive and acted like they thought I should have been a girl all along. On the other hand the department store clerk had objected to my going into the women's' changing room and her manager had reluctantly followed corporate policy. Mrs. Russica was the only person who was openly hostile, but she could be my biggest problem because she was well known as a community activist for conservative causes.

I phoned StacyLyn and gave her a complete run down on the previous day - the court session, the conversation with Judge Coleman, the shopping trip, and the reaction of people who knew me. As usual she was totally supportive and friendly. All through our conversation I kept wondering if she really meant it when she said she liked 'girly boys' and what would change in our relationship as I became a full-time girl who had been born a boy. After all, her mother was not able to deal with her biological father's transition to Jessica. They remained friends with children in common, but were no longer a couple. Finally I asked her out right.

"Will you still be my friend if I become a girl full-time?"

"McKenzie, I think you will become an absolutely fascinating girl and do I want to stay your friend. OK?"

We talked for a long while about the upcoming school year and made plans for another fall break trip to Bryce Canyon so our families could again enjoy the outdoors together. We joked about how quickly she had read me that first day, and we fondly remembered the wonderful experiences we had hiking the Fairyland Trail.

Mom was in the kitchen when I got off the phone. She was again looking a bit stressed.

"What's wrong, Mom?"

“I was surfing the internet and decided to look at Mrs. Russica’s blog. After you got hurt she wrote a tirade complaining that her son and his friends were being subjected to a disciplinary investigation because a frail, uncoordinated sissy fell and hit his head. If she believes what she wrote she is delusional about what her son Gary did, and if she read at the school report she is a liar.

"I am looking forward to helping you become a girl, but I am still worried about the community reaction. Mrs Russica is the type who enjoys making trouble in a small town."

To be continued.

Community Reactions

McKenzie is now openly presenting herself as a girl around Santa Carla. Will she be accepted in her new identity? Now that the divorce is final Father wants to come to the house to remove his personal stuff. Mrs. Russica publishes a tirade in the local newspaper.

It has been a long journey since Aunt Karen first suggested I dress as a girl for a trip with Mom and cousin Kaylie to Bryce Canyon National Park. That initial experience of public femininity had reawakened long-suppressed feelings. For years I had tried to act masculine in a hopeless attempt to please my militaristic and macho Father. Now that was all past, the divorce was final, and Mom had custody. StacyLyn, who first met me coming out of the restroom that did not match my altered gender presentation, had become my friend and supporter, and had introduced me to 'Aunt Jessica,' her transgendered biological father. Jessica's advice and my insistence combined to get me on puberty-blocking drugs before I was poisoned by testosterone. Meanwhile, Mom had been terrified about my dress-up activities interfering with the custody decision, and her insecure personality meant that I had spent over a year totally closeted. What had been most amazing was learning that Judge Coleman had known about my feminine side all along and was not bothered in the least. The judge told me that whatever my gender identity was I should be open and proud of it. In response, we had gone to Red Desert Mall and I initiated my public transition. In retrospect I am not sure who started the idea of using the mall visit to announce my new identity, but I sure did not need much convincing.

**************
The morning after the court hearing I woke up with the knowledge that this was going to be my first full day living publicly as a girl. I got dressed in my usual girl-casual clothes but carefully brushed my hair into a feminine style and put on a little makeup. When I sat down in the kitchen I noticed that Mom had not yet brought in the newspaper. I decided this was an opportunity and went out the front door, walked down the driveway with a bit of hip swing, and gracefully bent to pick up the paper.

I wasn't sure who would see me when I went outside, but I just felt that being out of the closet meant I needed to start confidently presenting my new self to the neighbors. Mike and Glenda Pallak, who lived across the street, were outside doing some early morning yard work and just gave me a friendly wave. They had seen me dressed as a girl when Mom and I had come home from the Red Desert Mall yesterday, so my presentation was no surprise to them. As I walked back to the house a car passed on the street, but I didn't turn to see who was driving.

When I came back in Mom was on the phone talking to Aunt Karen.

"Karen, I know you wanted announce the new McKenzie to the community, but was it really right to give Nancy, the hairdresser, permission to spread the news? ... Yes, ... This is all so sudden. But what about Judge Coleman being so explicit right in open court? ... Maybe it would have been better to keep McKenzie's gender issues private for a while. ... I don't agree. Not everyone in the community is going to be accepting. ... What about Mrs. Russica and my ex? ... I hope you are right."

Mom was having her usual doubts. What I knew for sure was that initiating beauty salon gossip would result in the news about me spreading like wildfire through our small-town community. Whether people approved or not, no one would be unprepared when they saw the new me. I was more confident than Mom, but listening to her did stir some doubts and concerns in my mind.

StacyLyn and Jessica were my confidants when I was unsure about gender and transitioning issues. Right after breakfast I sat down and sent them both messages. A short while later I got a long, carefully written email reply from Jessica.

"Years ago the standard advice for t-girls was to transition in secret. This meant moving to a new location where no one knew the old male personality. Moving and transitioning in secret avoided a lot of issues, but running away also meant a big hassle. One consequence was loosing all your old friends and community contacts. Worse, t-girls who transitioned in secret lived in terror of someone finding out. It was like being a fugitive -- always afraid of being recognized or having an old document become public.

"Once a few pioneering women and young girls made their transition in public it opened up society's attitudes. Think about all the real-life news stories and biographies that I have forwarded to you. Utah is a conservative state, but there have been a number of prominent people there who have transitioned from male to female publicly while keeping their jobs and community contacts -- a university professor, a rural county planner, a member of a suburban city council. Judge Coleman was right in telling you to be open and proud of who you are. Most people will accept you and support you. There will always be bigots, but you can't let the bigots run, or ruin, your life. I urge you to go out and show the world that you are a brave girl."

Jessica's reply gave me a lot of confidence. I started thinking about all the YouTube videos I had watched that chronicled various t-girls in transition. Some had conflicts at school, some had conflicts with their parents, but they all were willing to show their face and state that they were transgendered. What I did by letting Nancy spread the news was nothing like appearing on prime-time television for an interview. I knew I would have problems with some people, but I now felt like we had done the right thing yesterday by publicly declaring that McKenzie was now going to be living full-time as a girl.

Kaylie came over later and we spent several hours packing the clothes I was not going to need anymore and discussing how to make my bedroom into a more feminine environment. I was finally able to take my girl clothes and makeup out of their 'hiding places' in the guest room, a ruse that apparently had never really fooled the social worker anyway.

Kaylie had contacted some of her girl friends and arranged for us to meet late in the afternoon at a nearby Walgreens drug store. As an excuse, she told them I needed suggestions on makeup and grooming products. Although I had been hanging out with Kaylie's friends for years I had always been the outlier effeminate boy in a crowd of girls. I trusted all of them as friends, but still was very nervous about having them see me dressed as a girl for the first time.

What amazed me was that all the girls seemed to ignore my changed presentation and acted like everything was perfectly normal. We greeted each other with hugs, wandered down the makeup aisle, and compared notes on the various products while chatting about local gossip. I was wondering if when someone was going to make a specific comment about what I thought of as a major change in my life.

As I was looking at various shades of nail polish Beth came up beside me. "This is neat finally seeing you stop hiding your interests."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, like this is not the first time you have been with us shopping for makeup. We all knew you were jealous of us and wished you could buy stuff to make yourself pretty too."

"You all knew that? Is that why no one has commented on what happened yesterday?"

"You have been hanging out with us for years. It was pretty obvious you wished you could be a girl instead of a boy. On the way over here today we all decided to not make a big deal over finally transitioning. As far as we are concerned, you really have been a girl all along, but just couldn't show it."

We wandered down the aisles and eventually got to the feminine hygiene products. Kaylie, as usual, couldn't resist getting in a wisecrack.

"Well this is ONE girl thing McKenzie will not have to start buying!"

Beth laughed. "Now it's my turn to be jealous."

The laughing and joking continued as I filled my shopping basket with hair accessories, makeup, perfume, panty hose, and other daily necessities. I was having fun stocking up on supplies for being a girl. When it came time to check out the clerk, who had seen the boy McKenzie shopping in the store for years, just rang up the items, put them in a bag, and told me to have a nice day.

That evening Kaylie and Aunt Karen joined us for dinner at a nearby restaurant. The hostess greeted us as 'ladies' and the staff certainly showed no reaction to my appearance even though I had been there as a boy many times. On the other hand, I noticed some customer stares and whispered comments that I am sure were in response to my new appearance. It was clear that not everyone in town was comfortable with the change.

During the dinner conversation Aunt Karen continued in her listening role as Mom's big-sister confidant and adviser. "Karen, we are going to have to watch out for Mrs. Russica. She is always stirring up trouble and it looks like she is really upset about McKenzie's transition."

"What's happened?" I asked.

"You know she writes a blog that is a favorite of the arch-conservative, red-neck crowd. Today she posted a long tirade about traditional gender roles and family structure. She declared that deviation from 'normal' gender behavior was an 'abomination' and a sign of society going down hill. She didn't mention McKenzie's name, but it is clear she has heard the news and is upset. Given that she wrote about the importance of schools preserving 'traditional values' I sort of expect her to make an issue over how McKenzie presents herself at school in the fall."

"Well Carol, I think Judge Coleman will be an ally. Remember he said he wanted his court to be a protector of diversity in Santa Carla."

"I'm still worried."

"You always worry too much. McKenzie is brave enough to do this, and you need to support your daughter."

**********
The next morning Mom got a phone call from Father. He said there were still a few things of his in the basement and garage and he wanted to come over and get them sometime. That raised the issue of what I was going to do when he came over. Since Mom had exclusive custody she could prevent him from seeing me, but my change was now public knowledge. Besides, Santa Carla is a small town and sooner or later he would cross paths with the girl McKenzie anyway. Again, Mom went into her indecisive, worry-mode.

I sensed that this was a time to leave Mom alone, so I told her I was going over to see Kaylie. This would be the first time I walked over to her house alone and dressed as a girl. Just like when I first went out as a girl to pick up the morning newspaper I was a bit nervous. The neighbors had been friendly then, so what could go wrong now?

As I headed along the sidewalk I noticed a bunch of boys from school across the street. I recognized Tim, the football team captain, and several of the real jocks plus a couple of boys I did not know well. As I turned the corner toward Kaylie's house I realized they had crossed the street and were following behind me. I picked up my pace. Memory of the cheer camp incident was fresh in my mind even though the bruises from being tossed in the air had healed.

"McKenzie, wait. I just want to talk to you."

I wasn't sure what to do. This could be the start of more harassment. I knew if I started to run they would easily catch me before I got to Kaylie's house. I also knew that running implied fear and that fear attracted predators. Maybe walking to Kaylie's had been a dumb idea. I heard them getting closer and decided to stop, turn around, and show that I wasn't going to be intimidated.

Tim came up to me with the others following behind. "I just wanted to tell you that we all really respect you for what you are doing. You're a brave ... girl."

That is not what I had expected. "Thank you." I paused wondering what to say next.

"You do want us to treat you a girl now, don't you?"

"Of course. That's what I am going to be." I started to relax.

"I am having a hard time understanding all this, but if becoming a girl is what you need to do it's OK with us. You probably guessed that Gary Russica and some other guys have been making nasty comments about you. My friends talked it over and we all agreed to watch out for you. If anyone ever gives you trouble they will have to deal with me."

This was followed by a chorus of "me too."

"Thanks again. I was really nervous when you guys started following me."

"Well, I am a bit nervous being seen talking to a charming girl who I know has boy parts down there."

One of his friends cut in, "Come on Tim. Let's go before you decide to ask her for a date."

They headed off joking like typical boys. That last comment got me thinking. Up to now I had been focusing on being accepted as one of the girls, and had not thought much about how I wanted to act around boys. Kaylie gave me a temporary solution.

"Just say your Mom thinks you are too young. You never were close friends with boys before, so continue keeping your relationships very cool and casual now that you are a girl. It will buy you some time."

Kaylie and I also discussed the problem of Father's upcoming visit to the house. I needed to decide if I wanted to hide elsewhere or be at home when he arrived. If I was going to be at home that raised the question of how should I be dressed. Aunt Karen joined our discussion and, as always, provided good advice.

"You don't want to deny who you are, but you don't want to appear to be giving the wrong message either. If you appear excessively feminine the message is almost rubbing his nose in the breakup of your relationship. I suggest you let him see you, but just dress low-key like you used to do when you were hanging out with Kaylie: jeans, practical shoes, a modest top over a sports bra and no makeup.

***********
I followed Aunt Karen's advice, but still was nervous on the afternoon when Father said he would come over. We were sure he was aware of my new appearance given the speed of small-town gossip, but this would be the first time for him to see me in person in over a year and a half. Father had been overseas on deployment most of the time since he had told Mom he wanted a divorce, and we neither of us had made an effort to see each other since he got back. Aunt Karen and Kaylie arranged to be at our house when Father came over in case Mom or I needed support.

Kaylie and I headed into the front room when we heard his car pull into the driveway. I figured taking the initiative and being visible was the stronger position rather than having him ask to see me. He came in the door, coldly greeted Mom, and then glanced in my direction. He clearly was displeased by what he saw.

"Is this something your mother is making you do, or is it your idea?"

"This is what I am, and what I want to be." It took a real effort to say that calmly.

"You are a bigger sissy faggot than I ever expected. Get the hell out of my sight!"

"Mr. Clark, this is McKenzie's home not yours anymore! SHE has a right to be in this room," Aunt Karen shouted.

Father muttered an obscenity and stormed down the basement stairs.

Aunt Karen may have been right, but I decided I didn't want to push the issue. Kaylie and I head to my room and closed the door. Throughout the custody proceedings I kept saying that I wanted him out of my life. Still the harshness of his rejection hurt. Kaylie held me as I sobbed softly.

************
For the next few days I was on an emotional roller coaster. When people accepted me as a girl it was great, but the occasional nasty comments really hurt. I spent a lot of time communicating with my support network. Aunt Karen, StacyLyn, and Jessica all kept reminding me to be self-confident and proud. I tried, but it was hard.

As the weekend approached Aunt Karen suggested taking Kaylie and me on a Saturday trip back to the Red Desert Mall where I had come out publicly. Mom stayed behind to go into the office and catch up on work. She always was a career-focused person, but had become noticeably more so since I went on puberty blockers. She had explained to me that gender therapy was not covered by normal medical insurance and that we would have a lot of big expenses ahead if I transitioned all the way.

Aunt Karen was speeding along on the Interstate when Kaylie broke into my thoughts. "I am sure you will get noticed today shopping as a girl. Once a hairdresser starts spreading gossip there is no stopping it."

I put down the copy of Cosmo Girl that I had borrowed from Kaylie. "What I am looking forward to is just being able to shop for myself and actually try things on in the store. No more handing items to you so you could pretend to be buying them for yourself like we had to do for so long."

"You did a good job at staying closeted. You always acted nonchalant when we shopped together in the girls' section even when I knew you are really jealous of me."

"Come on, I was not jealous."

"Yes you were jealous, and you still are. You want a bod like mine don't you? You are disappointed because all the herbal treatments and lavender oil you have been soaking in hasn't given you bigger boobs."

"I guess I just have to live with what little I have for now."

"At least that over-padded bra makes you look believable." Kaylie looked over at the magazine I was holding. "OK, which sexy outfit on that page do you wish you were wearing?"

"Kaylie, stop teasing McKenzie," Aunt Karen cut in. "I want her to have a nice experience today."

We headed down the exit ramp and turned into the Red Desert Mall parking lot.

After a while I found myself in the teen girl section at Nordstroms. Kaylie was lingering behind while Aunt Karen lead me slowly along the rack picking up dresses, holding them up in front of me, then putting them back. A college-age sales clerk came up behind us.

"Can I help you ladies find something?"

As I turned she looked me over. "Are you the McKenzie Clark everyone is talking about?"

"Yes - it's the new girl in town." I was following Judge Coleman's advice and being open and proud of who I was.

"Well you look marvelous. I am so glad to have you as a customer."

Aunt Karen held up a light blue empire style dress. "I think my new niece would like to try this one on."

The clerk was a professional who knew that flattering the customer was the way to make the sale.

"I think it is perfect for her. You know empire style always looks good on girls with boyish figures so why not for a girl in transition? It's a great fabric, not to clingy, so it will look good even if she doesn't have real curves yet. Let's have you try it on."

When she got near the changing rooms the clerk told me to wait, and she went back and carefully checked the area before she let me go in. I went into a changing room, put on the dress, then went out to model it for Aunt Karen and Kaylie. They thought it looked marvelous and we decided to buy it.

"My treat," Aunt Karen said.

As the clerk was ringing up the sale I risked a question that had been bothering me. "Why were you so cautious checking the changing area before I went in?"

"Your being there certainly is OK, but Mrs. Russica and a couple of her collaborators were in this store earlier today. They were very vocal about how disgusting it was that a boy was going around town dressed as a girl. I knew exactly whom they were talking about. They had used the changing rooms earlier, and I wanted to be sure they were not still around to cause you any embarrassment.

"Thanks, but eventually McKenzie will need to learn to deal with narrow-minded people who cannot accept gender diversity." Aunt Karen looked at me. "Are you ready to face bigots like her?"

***********
The regional weekly newspaper, the Southwest Desert Times, was on the kitchen table when we got home. It was lucky that Aunt Karen had decided to come in with me as Mom was clearly upset by something she had read. I picked up the paper and saw a lengthy op-ed piece by Mrs. Russica. She was ranting about how permissive society was tolerating deviant behavior including boys running around dressed like girls. She seemed to have taken the most insulting and inflammatory parts from her conservative blog, added remarks from her fellow-travelers, and submitted it for publication. She didn't mention me by name, but said 'A certain boy in Santa Carla is an embarrassment to the community and to his patriotic father who has been serving overseas in the military while his mother has been supporting and encouraging this disgusting behavior. She also repeated her lies that her son and his friends were being unjustly accused when all that happened was the result of a 'frail boy falling and hitting his head.'

At first I wondered how anything so hurtful could be published in a community newspaper. Then I looked over at the editorial on the facing page.

"This newspaper has always given the highest priority to defending our American Constitutional rights, and these rights include free speech. However, this paper is also sensitive to ethical issues including minority rights and tolerance for those who differ from the majority. The citizen opinion piece on the next page presented us with a challenge of how to balance free speech for the outspoken and justice for all. After much deliberation we have chosen to publish the opinion column submitted by Mrs. Russica on the condition that it focus on issues, and not mention any individual by name. The writer complied with the letter, but not the spirit, of these stipulations.

"It is important to note that this week's citizen opinion column does not reflect the opinions held by the editorial board of this newspaper. We wish to go on record as supporting a policy of opposing any and all discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, sex, marital status, familial status, parental status, source of income, religion, political beliefs, sexual orientation, gender identity, or genetic information."

Further down the page was a boxed advertisement by American Retail Properties, the owners of Red Desert Mall.

"All are welcome to eat and shop at our properties regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity or manner of dress. Harassment of our guests by store employees or by members of the public will not be tolerated."

I showed the editorial and mall advertisement to Mom. These expressions of support clearly made her feel better. Aunt Karen put her arm around me.

"Don't worry about Mrs. Russica. Most people in this community fully support you. Next week you will have a nice surprise."

Community Acceptance

McKenzie finally understands Aunt Karen's motivations. Ms. Byland organizes an event that shows McKenzie some wonderful things about her hometown. This episode concludes a story that began long ago with a hike on the Fairyland Trail.

Community Acceptance

What started as an 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon National Park to cheer up Mom after Father asked for a divorce has become a long journey of discovery and transition for me. When I first started hiking the Fairyland Trail dressed as a girl I never imagined what my acceptance of feminine presentation would lead to. A shy boy who enjoyed hanging out with his cousin Kaylie and her girl friends has now become a full-time girl. My friend StacyLyn, her biological father, Jessica, and my Aunt Karen have provided support and practical advice on the path to femininity. Mom, who has a very insecure personality, had been so terrified of community reaction that she insisted I stay totally closeted for over a year until the divorce and custody were final. Harassment during summer cheer camp resulted in an injury, and at the hospital I ended up telling our family doctor about my secretly being on puberty blockers. The doctor's reaction was 'why didn't you ask me for help?' The family court judge proved to be very open minded, and after granting Mom exclusive custody Judge Coleman said he suspected I was transgendered, and encouraged me to be open and proud about whoever I grew up to be. When I was finally able to come out of the closet, and did it very publicly. Community reaction since has been mixed with some people thinking I should have been a girl all along, while a few social conservatives have been ranting about preserving traditional gender roles.

*********

"Aunt Karen, why did you ever suggest my dressing as a girl for that first trip to Bryce Canyon? I've never understood how you came up with the idea, or why you were so sure I would go along your plan."

I was relaxing in Aunt Karen's living room while Kaylie was in the kitchen finishing preparing a treat for dessert. My dinner preparation duties were momentarily on hold while my chicken and rice casserole baked in the oven. I had always loved cooking. Now that I was living as a girl the housework chores seemed a bit more routine, whereas when I was closeted at home being asked to do housework had seemed more 'special.'

"McKenzie, I have known you since you were born. Even when you were a toddler you showed interest in girls' things. You probably have forgotten the doll you loved to play with or the way you cried when your father found it and threw it out. I could see how happy you were whenever you had a chance to play in a girl role. But, as you got older I saw you struggling to suppress your feminine side in response to demands from your awful father. When Jared Clark was home he pushed you to be tough and do what he thought of as manly. You always ended up upset and crying in your room. I could see the tragedy developing but there was little I could do.

"You mother has always been a very insecure person who easily goes into depression, and she did not defend your behavior when your father was around. Her unwillingness to deal with your father and her fear of community reaction during the custody proceedings are both related to her cautious personality.

Meanwhile I, and a lot of others in the community, saw that you really identified as a girl. As much as you tried to hide it, your true personality kept showing herself. It was sad seeing you being forced to act like a boy, but we couldn't do much about it. When your father asked for a divorce I saw an opening and took it."

"Thanks, Aunt Karen. I'm so glad you did."

*******

The first of weeks after I started publicly dressing as a girl full-time were both exciting and stressful. It was great to be able to walk down the street with Kaylie and her friends knowing that I appeared to just be one of the girls. It was great to finally be able to shop for girls' clothes and try them on in the store. It was great to receive complements on my appearance from both strangers and from people who had known the boy McKenzie. On the other hand, Mrs. Russica, a conservative social-causes activist was saying hurtful things about me on her blog and in letters to the local newspaper. Mom was now worried that Mrs. Russica would really cause trouble, most likely concerning how I would present myself at school.

On Saturday morning Aunt Karen and Kaylie had come over to our place for breakfast. From the looks on their faces they clearly had an agenda. After we cleaned up Aunt Karen made her announcement.

"We have a big surprise tonight for you, dear. Ms. Byland has organized a party in your honor and has invited lots of people from around town. It will be semiformal, and still you can consider it your official debut as a girl."

"Wow, a real coming-out party."

"Quit teasing, Kaylie. This is a big event for your cousin."

Ms. Byland was the teacher at my school who had seen me dressed as a girl when we were on our second trip to Bryce Canyon. Her followup had been to tell Mom that my girl personality was much happier and self-confident than the boy she saw at school, and that my being closeted was not good for my well-being. Ms. Byland was also the cheer coach, and she had helped me convince Mom that cheer was something I could do even while I was publicly presenting as a boy.

"Remember the empire-style dress I bought for you at Red Desert Mall? Plan to wear that one," Aunt Karen continued. "You will look marvelous in it, especially if you let us help you with accessories and makeup."

Needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready. My feminine wardrobe was still quite limited, but having limited choices made it easier to decide on lingerie and shoes. Obviously I was going to wear my new dress, and I now knew why Aunt Karen had picked that one out. Since it had been a while since my visit to the salon Aunt Karen offered to refresh my hairstyle then apply my makeup. As I got ready Kaylie was more serious than her usual teasing self, and was an endless source of flattering comments and advice on fashion accessories.

Mom and I sat talking in the living room while Aunt Karen and Kaylie dashed home to change and freshen up. "McKenzie, this will be a wonderful experience for you. You have nothing to worry about tonight. Everyone who accepted the invitation is really expressing their acceptance of you. I have been amazed by the community response to your changed gender presentation since the court hearing.

"Let's use the time for me to give you a few pointers on how to act. You have learned a lot from hanging around Kaylie, but there is a difference between a teen girl relaxing in casual sportswear and a fine young lady going to a grown-up party."

For the next hour Mom tutored me on the finer points of posture, walking, sitting, eating fancy finger foods, and making polite conversation with adults. I realized that this party was going to be a lot different from passing as a girl on a trail in a National Park.

"It is amazing how fast you are picking up acting like a proper and polite girl."

"I did have time to practice while you were keeping me closeted."

"Thankfully, that is all behind us. You know I nearly fainted when Judge Coleman talked to us at the end of the hearing. To imagine that he had known about your feminine side all along."

Finally Aunt Karen and Kaylie returned and it was time to head to Ms. Byland's house. It was a chilly fall evening, and I wished I had worn something warmer on top than the shawl Kaylie loaned me. As we approached I was amazed by all the cars parked on both sides of the street. We pulled up into the circular driveway in front of Ms. Byland's house and a teen boy in a red blazer and carefully pressed pants opened the doors and offered to park her car. Just then I noticed another boy wearing the same style of blazer jogging back along the sidewalk. I had not expected valet parking for this party.

I started up the stairs and someone opened the door for me. As I entered the entry way I heard what sounded like a lot of excited people inside. Ms. Byland rushed up, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, grabbed my hand, and led me into the living room. The room was crowded with people, and more were still arriving. Suddenly the room erupted in applause.

As I glanced around I realized that nearly everyone I knew seemed to be there plus a lot of people I didn't recognize. Before I could develop stage fright I was surrounded by Kaylie's friends -- the girls who I had known for years. Tonight they were all dressed to impress with their hair and makeup perfectly done.

Beth came up to me first, followed by the rest of Kaylie's friends. "Don't worry. We're here for you. Besides, tonight you are as good looking as any of us."

"Yea, you're awesome, McKenzie."

"Thanks. I wanted to …"

Before I could finish Nancy, my hairdresser came over and eased her way through the ring of girls surrounding me.

"McKenzie, you look marvelous. You know, your Aunt and I used to work together in the same salon while Karen finished college. I can see that she is still a master beautician.

"But, enough of that. I wanted to tell you how much fun I have been having telling all my customers about you. I have been watching initial reactions as I shared the juicy gossip about the newest girl in town. Some were shocked at first, but after we talked a while attitudes always became approving. Well, almost everyone approved. Mrs. Russica's fellow travelers were the exception. I just ignored them.

"Look around at every one who is here to support you. All the people in town who consider themselves progressive see it as a status thing to be at a party celebrating the new transgirl in Santa Carla."

Again, before I could respond someone else was cutting in. This time it was the social worker who had done the home visits while custody was pending before Judge Coleman.

"McKenzie, I wanted you to know that I was shocked when I heard about what Judge Coleman said after the official hearing. He was so totally outspoken and explicit when he said you might be gay or transgendered. Outing you in his courtroom is not what I had recommended."

"What did you tell the judge about me?" I was really curious.

"I told him that you clearly had extreme feminine feelings, were making a great effort to keep them hidden, and that suppressing your real personality was causing you a lot of emotional stress. I put in my report that you needed support and encouragement to find how to express your gender identity. Well, Judge Coleman sure gave you encouragement! I am glad it worked out so well. When I heard that you gave Nancy permission to spread the news I knew you had the self-confidence needed to face the world. Still, I think Judge Coleman should have been be more discrete."

Just then I heard someone announce, "Please stand for the flag ceremony." Santa Carla has always been big on flag-waving patriotic symbolism, so the idea of a flag ceremony at a party did not seem all that unusual. What was a total surprise is who came in the front door.

A troop of Boy Scouts, including Greg Coleman, paraded in followed by a lieutenant from Father's army unit in full dress uniform.

"At the request of Judge Coleman and State Senator Benson, I will lead the pledge of allegiance," the lieutenant declared in an authoritative voice.

As everyone reached "... with liberty and justice for all" the words had a special meaning for me, especially given what Judge Coleman had told me about wanting his court to be a protector of diversity.

Aunt Karen came over to me. "What a wonderful way to make a statement. By just being here the lieutenant is showing that your father's army unit does not share in his bigotry. But, publicly repudiating a comrade is bad form in the army. Judge Coleman and Mr. Benson gave him perfect political cover. Lieutenant Richards can act like he was simply responding to a request by local public officials who asked him to lead a civic ceremony. Nothing more has to be said.

"You recognize Senator Benson, Brittney's father, don't you? He has a lot of influence in this part of the state."

I say Greg Colman approaching with the rest of the scouts.

A boy I did not know spoke first. "This is a bit awkward for us, but ... we all want to say that ... we ..., " he stammered.

"We respect your right to express your self as you wish," someone else finished for him.

"What's this all about?" I asked. It seemed that a bunch of Boy Scouts were trying to do a good deed that they were uncomfortable with.

"Judge Coleman is active in scouting, and he told us we had to do this public show of support for you or he wouldn't pass us on our citizenship merit badges. He said standing up for minorities and dissenters is a lesson in being a good citizen. We were all reluctant at first, but now it seem totally like being here was the right thing to do anyway."

"Yea, we all support you McKenzie."

Greg Coleman finally got his courage back and spoke up. "My uncle had me over last Sunday for a long talk. What I did the day when you got hurt was wrong and I apologize. I want you to know that I am going to sign the paper in principal's office saying that I accept responsibility for participating in the harassment incident and agree to a week of suspension at the start of the school year."

"I'm sorry you got into trouble."

"No, I'm sorry I did not intervene to stop Gary Russica from grabbing you."

I think Ms. Byland saw an awkward situation developing. She came over and changed the topic, allowing Greg to slip away. Then she led me over to the buffet table and indicated I needed to at least get something to drink.

"It's too bad you aren't old enough to have real booze. You could use something to steady your nerves."

"Be polite, Kaylie," I heard Aunt Karen command.

I got some green punch to drink, and put some grapes and crackers on a plate. Before I could eat much I saw StacyLyn and Jessica walk in.

"What a surprise to see you tonight."

"It was a long drive, but we absolutely had to be here for you tonight. McKenzie you look marvelous! That dress is so you."

"You don't look so bad yourself, StacyLyn. It will be great having you here for support. I'm like overwhelmed by all that's going on tonight."

Jessica was elegantly dressed in a flattering floor-length gown and high heels. Her blond hair draped over her shoulders, and a delicate gold pendant dangled above her cleavage. I realized that this was the first time I had seen Jessica in a dress. Fancy jeans, frilly blouses, western-style cowgirl boots, and Navajo jewelry comprised her usual outfits.

"McKenzie, you don't realize how lucky you are to be able to transition so young. With the support of your mother and your family doctor you will be able to completely avoid male puberty like I went through. You can grow up to look just like a genetic female. Now that you are out of the closet I want to get you in contact with more support groups so you can meet other t-girls. I want you to meet someone who drove down with us."

Jessica indicated toward a tall, thin girl who had walked in behind her. She looked a little older than me or StacyLyn. Probably in high school.

"This is Shelby, another t-girl. She has been a leader in the Gay-Straight Alliance at her school and is a gender-rights activist. When StacyLyn told her the news about your coming out in public she asked if she could meet you in person."

"McKenzie, I just wanted to express my support and offer my help. Transitioning can be really intimidating even in a big city, and you shouldn't have to do it without friends who have gone through the same thing."

StacyLyn added, "You have a standing invitation to come stay with us so we can take you to some gender-related events up north. Even my brother is OK with this now."

I realized that Jacob Waterman had also arrived, but was standing in the background. Jacob had been on both Bryce Canyon National Park trips, and been nice to me at first. Once he found out the truth about me he had been somewhat cold and distant. On the second trip it always seemed like Jacob and his stepfather were finding ways to go off by themselves and avoid Jessica and me. He hesitated as he approached me.

"Hi, McKenzie. I ... I just wanted to say that I respect you and I think understand you now a lot better than I did back on our second trip to Bryce. I apologize for being rude to you then."

"Apology accepted."

"Looking back I was still really upset about Jessica's transition. Mom and dad separating was bad enough but it's not easy for a boy to watch his father become a woman. It really confused me for a long time and looking back I had become transphobic."

"Well, you didn't seem transphobic tonight riding down with me and Jessica," Shelby added. "We carried on a pretty decent conversation."

"Yes, but I am still a bit embarrassed about hitting on McKenzie when we first met. I mean it was her first time in public as a girl and I acted like I thought she was a potential date."

"Well, what do you think of me now?"

"Yeh, tell us Jacob," Kaylie cut in.

Jacob took a deep breath. "I think McKenzie looks like a beautiful girl, but ..." He paused and leaned closer so he could talk more quietly "but, I know she still has boy parts down there. I am not comfortable having a boy-girl relationship or anything like that."

"I understand." In the whirl of the party my mind had been completely in girl-mode. Jacob's remark reminded me that I would eventually need to figure out who I could get into a relationship with once I wanted to start dating.

I think Ms. Byland had realized that an important private conversation was going on. I noticed her keeping other guests from interrupting us while I talked some more with Jessica, StacyLyn, and Shelby.

As they moved off Jacob whispered in my ear, "Let me know when you get your plumbing fixed. I might feel different about you then."

The meeting and greeting continued. Everyone was so wonderful to talk to. Suddenly, Ms. Byland gave a cue and the girls who were with me at cheer camp separated from the rest of the crowd and started an energetic dance-spirit routine that ended:

"G - I - R - L, what's it spell? MACKENZIE!!!"

Immediately everyone was cheering and clapping and rushing over to congratulate me yet again.

Brittany Benson came over. She was one of the girls who had initially objected to a boy being part of the cheer camp, and had made some really nasty remarks. Even with her father being here I wasn't sure what to expect from her tonight, but needn't have worried.

"You know I was really looking forward to our being a coed cheer team. There aren't many teams with boys on them so it is easy to win a trophy in that category at the competitions. Now with your changed gender presentation we are going to have to negotiate how our team is treated, but I for one don't think it should be considered a coed team. I wanted to say I love you as you are now, and really want to be on a team with you.

"We all know there are going to be locker room and restroom issues when you show up at school as a girl this fall. My father is on the school board and asked me what my friends thought about all this.

"I told him we took a cheer team vote. Everyone agreed you are going to be welcome to use the locker room with us. Once the rest of the school sees that the popular crowd of cheerleaders accepts you as a girl they will follow along."

At this Judge Coleman, Mr. Benson, and my school Principal came over. I think they knew what news Brittney was sharing.

Judge Coleman opened in his patriarchal style. "Miss McKenzie Clark, you have chosen to present yourself as a girl, and we support you. You have a right to grow up and live as you wish. I told you to be open and proud of who you are, and now you can see that the community supports you. Congratulations."

Mr. Benson spoke next. "I am sure you know that Mrs. Russica is going around complaining about the idea of you attending school as a girl. I want you to know that we have already discussed this within the school board and the administration. We are on your side, and will use our official positions to protect you.

"Let me introduce you to a couple of other prominent citizens. This is Mr. Moore, the editor of the Southwest Desert Times, and Mr. Chappell, the manager of Red Desert Mall and president of the local Chamber of Commerce."

I quickly made the connection. "Thank you very much for the editorial and advertisement that appeared in the paper right the same day as that awful piece written by Mrs. Russica. What the two of you said really made me feel so much better."

"McKenzie, we are proud to be your supporters."

Ms. Byland was rushing around indicating that everyone should move over to the tables and sit down for the dinner. She took me by the hand and led me to the head table. I was finally able to sit down. I was seated between Ms. Byland and Mom with Jessica and StacyLyn across the table from me. Ms. Byland assigned Aunt Karen and Kaylie to be the family representatives at the next table with Judge Coleman and Senator Benson.

We all enjoyed an elegant dinner catered by the fanciest restaurant in town. The food was delicious and I had to remind myself that girls need to watch their figure. It would have been bad form to be seen gulping food down like a teenage boy!

During the dinner conversation I leaned over to Ms. Byland. "This is all so marvelous, thank you, thank you."

"It was something I really wanted to do for you. And don’t worry about what this all cost. I started asking around and got more donations than I could accept. The restaurant, the parking valet, and the event furniture rental company all donated their services."

"That's amazing."

"Well, Mrs. Russica's hateful op-ed piece in the newspaper affected people's attitudes about you. I got lots of comments from people that felt that when a schoolgirl in the community is being attacked they needed to rally and show their support. Besides, this town is changing. A lot of the newcomers to the area are really progressive and showing support for a transgendered person is a way for them to show that they are not red-necks."

This was all so unbelievable. Mom was in tears of happiness, and StacyLyn was giggly with excitement.

Ms. Byland warned me what was coming next. "Remember at cheer camp we did a session on pageant preparation. You girls might have thought beauty pageants were a bit silly, but there was a purpose. For example, you all had a chance to practice giving thank-you speeches in a proper style. Think about what I taught you and get ready. I will ask you to stand up in a few minutes."

I hurried to get my thoughts is order. I knew the acceptance speech formula: thank everyone, say what the gift means to you, say what you will do in the future, thank everyone again. Fortunately I also had practice public speaking from English class and from Sunday School. When Mr. Byland tapped on the glass I was ready.

I spoke for several minutes before reaching my conclusion. " ... And, again thank you all so very much for this wonderful evening. I will remember and treasure this evening the rest of my life. I promise I will do my best to live up to your expectations and be deserving of the support and encouragement you have given me. Santa Carla is a wonderful place, and I am grateful to be part of this community."

I nodded and waved as everyone applauded. Now the pageant preparation drills on elegant waving paid off: 'elbow-elbow, wrist and wrist, touch your pearls, blow a kiss.' I knew exactly how I should act while waiting for the excitement to run its course. Finally I decided it was appropriate for me to sit down. As I smoothed my dress I realized that I had been operating on autopilot since Ms. Byland told me to get ready to speak. Only when it was over did the rush of emotions hit me. This was all so unexpected. During the long months of being closeted I had never imagined that Santa Carla would be so accepting of a transgendered girl. Now I knew for certain that I was accepted by the community as a girl and could look forward to a wonderful time finishing high school and beyond.

*****

This concludes the story of McKenzie's journey from the Fairyland Trail at Bryce Canyon to girlhood in her hometown. Reader comments along the way definitely affected the plot development, and were all very much appreciated. Working through the parental issues, coming out of the closet, and achieving community acceptance were the themes of McKenzie's experience in this series. Continuing a chronological narrative following her debut party would not be very interesting. You, dear readers, have gotten to know McKenzie, StacyLyn, Kaylie, and Jessica. I would be very open to suggestions of issues, incidents, or events that might be the focus of another story about these personalities.