Kaylie's time at summer camp draws to a close with new challenges leading to a scary campout. Her relationship with Hillary grows. High School is ahead, but that is another story.

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In the morning Kaylie lingered in the cabin bathroom a few extra minuets. She knew that Pam, Stacy, and Hillary were anxious to get their turn, but this was a chance to admire her changing body as she showered. Last year she had been a frustrated boy named Kyle and now she was blossoming into a woman. The very rushed preliminary surgery she had received in the spring had ended any chance of her entering male puberty, and now her medically approved hormone regime was starting to take effect. As she pulled on her clothes she thought about how lucky she was not to have any boy parts hanging between her legs creating embarrassing bulges. Being recognized as a potential Special Boy by Madeline Lee and then being officially feminized was the best thing that ever could have happened to her.

She thought about her situation compared to that of Patricia Ruhr, the only other Special Boy she had met so far. Pat was strong, outgoing, and brilliant, but clearly more conflicted about undergoing gender change. To Pat being feminized was the price for being allowed to complete her education and be trained for science and math professional work. She suspected that Pat's issues related to being required to keep her male gonads intact until she could act as a sperm donor generating specimens frozen in liquid nitrogen. This was all part of a complicated eugenics program to keep up the intellectual strength in future generations born in the Feminist Republic. In a way it made complete sense. If the smartest males were identified as Special Boys who were then castrated the remaining stud pool of men from the work camps would become less and less intelligent. Still, this did not seem fair to Patricia.

Kaylie was glad she did not have to live on a pharmacological razor edge balancing a reduced dose of feminizing hormones with the minimum male hormones needed to stay fertile. And she could not image what it was like for girls like Pat when the time came to switch to a male hormone regime for a few months so she could start producing sperm. At least Pat had been assured this "male interlude" would all be temporary. The genetic counselors emphasized that after the donation period she would be eligible to be castrated and take a full dose of female hormones.

Kaylie missed Patricia with all her clever and erudite remarks. Erudite was another word she had learned from Pat. Anyway, she was here at camp with Hillary, her best friend and supporter. Her other friends, Stacy and Pamela, were not only here at camp but even sharing a cabin with Kaylie and Hillary. Since they had all been in the same Middle School they had watched Kaylie's transition from the timid boy Kyle into the well-adjusted girl she was now. Most of the girls at camp were aware that Kaylie had been a Special Boy but did not make a big deal over it. A few, like Connie and Nancy B, definitely were potential troublemakers. Kaylie recalled the term TERF; meaning Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists which described a small, but persistent group in the Feminist Republic.

"Kaylie, quit daydreaming and get ready. The rest us need the bathroom too."

"OK, Hillary. Just a few seconds more."

She went back to her bunk and finished getting dressed in the functional clothes needed for rugged outdoor fun. Like the others she wore athletic shoes, jeans and a tee shirt with the camp logo. Everyone's shirts were a bit small, and Kaylie suspected this was by choice. She definitely liked the look of her budding chest and sports bra pressing out against the fabric.

Finally everyone was ready and Kaylie grabbed her backpack and headed out with her friends ready for another fun day.

Delicate Topics

Paula, the camp counselor and patrol leader was sitting on a bench under the trees with a stack of pamphlets beside her. The look on her face seemed to be somewhere between embarrassment and amusement. Kaylie and Hillary found a spot in the shade and sat down wondering what this was all about.

"Today girls we are going to talk about some delicate topics. Pay attention and remember, this is important. Absolutely no jokes or giggling. OK."

"I think I know what's next," Hillary whispered with a smile.

"We are going to talk about female hygiene in the woods. Some of you have already started having periods and know what to do at home and in school. The rest of you will soon start having to deal with this aspect of being a woman.

"What I will be talking about today is how to manage in wilderness situations where you do not have a modern bathroom. An important part of the Girl Scout camp experience is learning to survive under primitive conditions. You may not always have access to modern pads and tampons. But, for thousands of years women had do deal with exactly this situation. Like Sarah Winnemucca you need to master skills needed to live in the wilderness. Remember, when camping you still need to keep yourself clean to avoid rashes and infections. You also need to handle used absorbent materials properly when there is not a waste basket available.

"Now, each of you take one of these pamphlets and follow along."

Kaylie did her best to act like one of the girls as the lecture demonstration continued. A lot of this was new to her. She had not been in the girl's health classes in Middle School, and Mother had obviously not seen any need to prepare Kaylie for her first period. Occasionally she noticed she was getting snide glances from Connie. She was one of the few girls at camp who had shown hostility regarding Kaylie's transgender status. The day was getting hot and the session seemed to go on and on.

"OK girls, that's all for this morning. You have a free hour before lunch. Then this afternoon we will review what you have been learning about wilderness camping skills. Off you go."

Kaylie and Hillary started back toward the cabin but Connie cut in front of them.

"Well, that session was certainly wasted on YOU."

Hillary came to the defense. "Leave my friend alone. It is not her fault that she was born without normal girl parts."

Stacy and Pamela gave Connie a dirty look and moved next to Kaylie. "Lets go. Don't mind her."

Hillary turned to Kaylie. "Are you ready for tonight?"

"I'm not sure what everyone has been hinting about. What's the big deal?"

"Remember tonight is only two days after the new moon. The moon sets shortly after sunset and it will be really dark."

"So?"

"I think they are going to take us out into the woods have us sleep under the stars. Girls who were in our age group last year said it is a really scary experience."

Rumors about the coming night filled the dining hall conversations at lunch. Everyone seemed to have heard a little from "someone" but everyone had a slightly different version. Some of the more assertive girls were telling stories about wild animals and strange sounds that were terrifying the more timid girls. Through all this the counselors refused to answer specific questions.

Kaylie was especially attentive during the afternoon wilderness skills session hoping for a hint of what was coming. She figured that in they were reviewing important information that would be helpful tonight, but exactly what? Finally the afternoon session was over and everyone headed back to their cabins.

"Hillary, how come everyone is being so secretive?"

"I think it is a plot to help us develop confidence by putting us in an uncomfortable situation that we will need to deal with on our own."

"Why don't the girls who were at camp last year tell us what to expect?"

Pamela leaned over. "The idea is to keep everything secret so each year's group can have the experience. My cousin told me that at the end of camp everyone is asked to promise not to share details about certain things with younger girls. Discovering on their own is supposed to be a big part of camp for each year's group."

"Yes, but all this anticipation is making me nervous."

"I noticed. You didn't eat much lunch."

Just before the usual dinner time Paula and the other counselors were running around instructing the girls to assemble at the amphitheater. Kaylie headed over with the rest of her patrol and joined the growing crowd.

"I thought this was supposed to be dinner time like always," Pamela gripped.

"Missing dinner will not be your only concern tonight," a girl for a different patrol said with a smirk.

Just then the senior camp counselors got up on the stage while other counselors pulled up a series of heavily loaded carts. Just then Ms George, the fearsome Camp Director, picked up the microphone.

"Tonight will be an adventure and a lesson in self reliance. Is everyone excited?"

A weak response followed. Looking around Kaylie saw confused and uncertain faces. Breathing deeply she thought about everything that had happened in the last year and figured she was ready for whatever the camp was going to throw at her.

Ms. George continued, "You will each be given a backpack with a survival ration for your dinner, a water bottle, and a blanket. It will be up to each of you to take care of yourselves tonight. No cabin, no soft bed, no modern conveniences."

Sighs and gasps flowed across the amphitheater. Kaylie shuddered.

"Also, no flashlights. The moon will set soon but your eyes will adjust. You will be amazed by how much you can see with only starlight. Of course you should be huddled in your blanket by then and will not need to move around until dawn.

"And no snacks, no candy bars, and no electronics -- absolutely. The counselors will be checking and anyone found breaking the rules will have to do extra chores the rest of camp.

"You will head out on the north trail an hour after sunset. Use the moonlight to set up your camp and go to sleep. No heading back to camp until the rosy fingers of dawn indicate the approaching sunrise. Then use your navigation skills to find your way back here for breakfast.

"Being out in the woods at night can be scary but we have been teaching you girls all sorts of skills that will help you with this adventure experience. A big purpose of Girl Scouts is to teach young women how to manage intimidating situations when modern technology breaks down. That is why much of the program is adapted from military reconnaissance and primitive living skills.

"In really ancient times males thought they dominated the outdoors, but no longer. Boys grow up staying safe in the cities and waste time playing sports and mindless video games. It is the girls, like all of you here at Camp Winnemucca who have wilderness skills and self-confidence. Male dependence on technology was what lead to their defeat during the Times of Trouble and is what now keeps our Feminist Republic secure against misogynist enemies.

The talk continued with warnings, reminders of the techniques learned in various skill exercises from the past few days, stories of outstanding girls and women, and slogans to encourage character building.

"We are having you do a self-reliant campout to build your personal character. Remember that Native American women like Sarah Winnemucca had to sleep in the woods every night. Learn from them. Now lets have our camp cheer!"

The half-hearted voices began the chant, "We are the Winnemuccas and can't be beat ..." After the first round Ms. George kept them repeating it and calling for more enthusiasm and energy until she finally got a loud, rousing shout-out of the closing line "... We have the outdoor skills to knock boys off their feet!"

"Now line up and get your items from the counselors, and then regroup with your patrol leader. Hurry, we need to use the fading twilight to our advantage."

Kaylie followed Hillary though the line to get her backpack and blanket. She was dismayed to see how small the survival food ration packet was. And the blanket was both small and thin.

"Hillary, this is going to be a rough night."

"I know. I expect they expect us to gather leaves and dried branches for a bit of extra warmth and shelter, but still ..."

It was almost dark by the time Paula told them to head out following the patrol ahead using the light of a crescent moon. They quickly reached the end of the camp road and continued on a well-worn path into the woods. The north trail followed a steep walled valley with a trickle of a stream meandering along the bottom land.

"At least we will have the hills as landmarks to follow to get back."

Connie couldn't resist. " Yes, unless you confuse north and south. I guess even a Special Boy knows that the sun rises in the east."

"I better on the navigation problems than you did. Besides, the stream runs toward camp."

"Quiet," Paula called out. "No talking from now on. Keep looking at the trail ahead."

From the sounds Kaylie realized that there were fewer and fewer girls behind her. Periodically she could hear muffled instructions and then sounds of breaking branches as someone headed away from the trail.

Suddenly there was a tap on her shoulder as someone whispered, "Leave the trail, go in 50 paces, and sleep."

She hesitated, took a deep breath, and then started to pick her way through the brush. She had been counting steps and realized that someone was leaving the trail every 50 paces. That would mean that the distance between girls was about the same as their distance off the trail. Hillary would be the next to head into the woods. She listened for the sounds of the girl who left the trail before her and soon heard Hillary crashing through the woods ahead.

Kaylie reached out her hand to measure how much longer the moon light would last. Only half a hand-width above the horizon remained which meant less than 15 minutes until the moon set. Quickly she found a level spot and moved the sticks and rocks aside. More by touch than by sight she gathered handfuls of leaves and pine needles and piled them up before spreading out her blanket. Fortunately there was no wind as there was no time to build a brush shelter.

As darkness set in Kaylie sat on her blanket and dug in her pack for the food. There was a mystery loaf of what tasted like firm bread loaded with dried fruit and nuts. She decided it was probably nutritious even if it tasted awful. Alternating between the survival bread and a few sips of water to wash down the crumbs reminded her of starvation stories. She was still hungry after finishing the loaf and regretted not eating a full lunch.

Kaylie sat and listened to the night sounds. After this I will never be nervous walking on the Riverside Trail again she thought as she recalled the day when she rushed out of the woods and back to the safety of the street. Minutes later she had gone into panic when Pamela's mother drove by and then went around the block and had stopped the car behind her.

Shivering Kaylie pulled the blanket around her even though she was not really cold. Suddenly she jumped when she heard something scurrying around near her. Then she swatted at a mosquito that was buzzing around her face. Digging in her pack she confirmed that she had eaten all the food ration.

Rolling on her back she could clearly see the shapes of the tree branches against the sky. Looking down into the surrounding forest she realized how much her eyes had adapted to the dark. The rocks and branches on the ground were dimly visible. Looking back up she was able to identify a few bright stars overhead. She began thinking about the night exercises the patrol had done finding time and direction by the stars. She had done very well at celestial navigation and that knowledge was reassuring at the moment.

Kaylie's thoughts drifted to more unsettling experiences: being forced to act like a boy while growing up, being bullied at school for being a sissy, the year-long stress of preparing for the identity and gender assessment. The darkness and isolation made these thoughts even more depressing. She wished she could build a campfire, but that was against the rules that Ms. George had spelled out. Besides she had no matches. This was going to be a long, lonely night.

Recalling the number of paces she knew that Hillary was less than 200 feet away. It would be so nice to be together right now.

She thought about all of Ms. Georges's rules. Although the girls had been sent off into the woods one by one there seemed to be nothing against trying to find each other during the night. They had been warned about smuggling extra supplies in their pockets. There was a prohibition against taking the trail back to camp before dawn. Feeling like Alexander cutting the Gordian Knot with his sword Kaylie decided she could follow her own rules.

Kaylie wet her lips to whistle. "Who's awake? Are you?" She paused. "Who's awake? Are you?" She knew that the Great-horned owl was active at night so her secret bird call would not seem unusual or unexpected. She repeated a few more times.

Suddenly she heard a quick another bird call. "Drink-your-tea-ee-ee-ee" The Rufus-sided towhee was not a night active bird so the call had to be Hillary responding.

"Who's awake? Are you?" she immediately answered repeating three times like a distress signal.

After a few minutes she heard the sound of something big pushing through the brush then stopping. She gave the owl call again for location and heard more snapping branches followed by the towhee call. After repeating this several times she saw a human shape moving carefully through the trees.

"Hillary!," she whispered. They moved together and embraced.

"I was so scared, then I heard your bird call. It sounded real, but when you repeated I took the chance and answered."

"I was scared too. Did you bring your blanket?"

"Yes, I felt around and put everything in my backpack before starting out. I was afraid of getting lost on the way and did not want to be without my blanket the rest of the night.

"I have a pile of leaves right behind me under my blanket. We can share."

They sat down on Kaylie's blanket and wrapped Hillary's around the two of them. For a long while they sat silently and listened to the night sounds.

"This feels much better being together. I was so scared."

"I was scared too. I never realized how many sounds of insects and animals there are during the night.

"Girls support each other, you know that."

"Yes. Lets keep close together tonight."

"Are you cold?"

"Not, yet. Just uneasy."

Hillary reached for her pack. "I did not eat all of the survival bread that they gave me. Do you want the rest?"

Kaylie felt hungry. "How about if we break it in half and share?"

"No. You didn't eat all your lunch. Here take it."

"Thanks."

Kaylie crunched on the small piece of dry bread and drank some of her water. Hillary was such a wonderful friend. She adjusted her position to get more comfortable and pulled the blanket tighter. Slowly, without saying anything, the two girls slid their arms around each other and pulled close as their lips met and lingered. This was more than a friendly kiss.

"That was nice. Can we do it again?"

"Sure."

After a few minutes they were lying side by side on the blanket-covered leaves holding hands and looking up at the sky.

"How do you feel right now?"

"I was hoping something like that kiss would happen eventually, but I was afraid to make the first move."

"Just like some of the teen romance stories you have been reading?"

"I guess so. I think all those girl romance magazines you gave me to read really helped me transition socially."

"Kaylie, I am really happy that you are officially a girl now, and that we are here at Girl Scout camp together all day long."

"I was really afraid that you and me and Stacy were going to have an awkward triangle relationship this summer. It looks like Pamela may have solved that problem by becoming Stacy's girlfriend."

"Stacy is nice, but I like you better."

"Let's try to get some sleep."

"OK. Put your arms around me. It will be warmer."

"And more fun too."

Kaylie looked up and could see that the eastern sky was getting brighter. It had cooled off during the night and she snuggled closer to Hillary for a few more minutes. As the dawn approached she felt Hillary's hands moving slowly and gently over her body. She rolled toward Hillary and offered a good-morning kiss.

"Well we survived the night."

"More than survived. It was wonderful."

"Camp is supposed to be about character development and discovery. I wonder how many other girls at camp have discovered what we just did?"

"We are not the first."

"Let's straighten out our clothes and get ready to head back. It's almost light.

"We don't want anyone to see us coming out of the woods together. You go diagonally that upstream and I will head downstream. We can act like we met on the trail."

Soon they were joined by a growing line of girls heading down the valley back to camp. Most were so hungry that they headed directly to the dining hall without even stopping at their cabins. The cooks were ready for them and dished up fruit, oatmeal, buttered toast, and hot chocolate as fast as the girls arrived.

After breakfast Hillary and Kaylie headed back to their cabin and started washing up. Soon Stacy and Pamela arrived holding hands as they walked through the door. There was a moment of silence as the two couples exchanged knowing looks.

Stacy broke the ice. "I think you two did more than just camp out alone last night. But I won't ask."

Hillary and Kaylie put there arms around each other's waist, pulled close, and smiled.

The last few days of camp passed quickly. On the last full day there was a big celebration banquet. Kaylie sat in the cabin dressed in her full scout uniform as Hillary brushed out her hair and slipped a colorful scrunchie around a high ponytail.

Pam came over. "Let me give you some help with your makeup. This is the big dress-up occasion and you want to look like the beautiful woman you are becoming."

The girls headed to the dining hall which had been decorated by the counselors. There was a delicious feast and Kaylie had to remember to eat in small bites like a girl. She was aware that when the food was really good she still tended to gulp it down like the boy she had been for most of her life. She looked at Hillary sitting next to her and recalled that they had been friends even before Kaylie started on the path to femininity. Hillary must have sensed the confused emotion and took Kaylie's hand.

"We are girlfriends now. Remember that when we get home."

"Yes, I know. It's wonderful isn't it?"

The next morning Girl Scout camp was over and it was time to pack up and head home on the bus. Since girls had come from various communities were lots of hugs, air kisses, exchanging of contacts, and promises to see each other next year. In a few days it would be off to High School.

Epilogue

Kaylie's outstanding ability in science in math developed rapidly once she began High School with the other girls. The challenging curriculum and the opportunities to grow socially were overwhelming at first. But, by her second year she had fully compensated for the intellectual deprivation experienced during the years she spent as a boy, and she was placed on the honors study track. After an anxiety-inducing application process during her Senior year she was admitted to the best science-focused university in the Republic. Her growing relationship with Hillary and her semi-competitive friendship with Patricia Ruhr continue to be part of her college experience. Looking forward Kaylie anticipates a scientific career where she can contribute to the advancement of an environmentally responsible feminist society. The Feminist Republic of Pacifica needs women like Kaylie to create the technology needed to deal with the recurring threats from the misogynistic hostile states beyond the borders. But all this may be the topic for future stories.

The End.

Synopsis:
In the near future the Great Social Transformation has created a society in which women hold all the authority and power. Men remain uneducated and are restricted to mindless labor. But the Feminist Republic does not waste science and math talent, and has provided an alternative for a few Special Boys.

In Part 1 Kaylie succeeded in proving her intellectual and social merits and was approved for gender reassignment. The summer will be time for discovery about her new identity and relationships. History reading reveals how the Feminists were able to gain power.

Ann Clark was tense as she entered the procedure room where Kaylie had already changed into a hospital gown. She was calmly placing the professional-looking clothes that she had worn to the clinic into the personal belongings locker. She turned and smiled when Mother entered.

"It looks like you and Dr. Taylor have something planned for the afternoon," Ann remarked, trying hard not to show her anxiety. "What have you decided? Are you just starting hormones for now?"

"I told Dr. Taylor that I am ready to be castrated, now, today. I know I am a girl. I want to grow up female. I do not want those boy parts anymore."

Ann sat down in the extra chair and let out a deep breath. For a moment she focused on what had been discussed during her extensive sessions with Madeline Lee and the other specialty counselors. Madeline was the career counselor at the Middle School, the mother of Kaylie's best friend, Hillary, and had organized a team of adult counselors who helped Ann work through her repressed issues. Madeline was so important to both Ann and Kaylie now.

"I knew surgery was a possibility once the Chief Psychologist handed me the maternal consent form, but..." She paused to collect her thoughts. Kaylie looked so happy and confident. "But, this is so fast. Are you sure?" She looked at Kaylie and reconsidered what she was going to say. "I ..., I accept you ... for who you really are, and ..."

"Mother." Kaylie reached out and started hugged and crying. "This is what I have been preparing for ever since ... ever since I learned I could still be reassigned as a girl. I was never happy as a boy." Kaylie remembered what she had resolved when discussing her past with Madeline. "And I forgive you for not having me assessed for gender reassignment back in elementary school."

After a few more minutes of emotional hugging and sobbing Kaylie and Ann knew they had finally broken through a barrier.

"Kaylie, you have been through a lot of stressful situations in the past months. You are an incredibly strong girl. You are doing better than I am. I still have not forgiven my father for the abuse he inflicted on me and your grandmother. I still have flashbacks to the terrible patriarchal pseudo-religious indoctrination I was subjected to when I was a child."

Kaylie looked at her mother confidently. "We are going to support each other as daughter and mother; two women in the Feminist Republic. OK?"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Kaylie, are you ready?"

The nurse could see that her patient was still a bit emotional. "Wash your face quickly. It will make you feel better. Then, I am going to give you the sedative pill that Dr. Taylor prescribed. What you are going to be having done today is stressful at any age.

"Now get up on the gurney and lie down. Relax and I will cover you with this blanket until Dr. Taylor comes in. Ms. Clark, you can go to the waiting room or cafeteria until the procedure is over."

Ann gave Kaylie a big motherly kiss as her daughter started to relax.

A few hours later Ann and the nurse maneuvered a still very groggy girl into the car to head home. Madeline and Hillary met them there to help get Kaylie to bed and cheer her up as needed. The after effects of the anesthesia meant an upset stomach but Kaylie was able to sip a little when Hillary offered a glass of sugary juice. Madeline demonstrated how to change the overnight absorbent pads and placed a towel-wrapped ice pack between Kaylie's legs to keep down the swelling.

Ann was amazed by the efficient care being offered. Madeline reassured her. "I knew what Kaylie was in for after Dr. Taylor did her procedure, and I read up on the post-operative guidelines. We want to help her heal quickly. Hillary will stay here tonight for companionship, and I will be back tomorrow."

Ann had a hard time relaxing before going to bed herself. She had not been ready for Kaylie to take that ultimate, decisive step immediately. Ann was suddenly bothered by thoughts dredged up from her fundamentalist, patriarchal upbringing. No, she though, that is not what I believe anymore. It is right for Kaylie to become a girl. She made her decision and I need to support her.

By the next afternoon Kaylie was beginning to feel normal again. Hillary had been keeping her entertained by reading aloud from teen romance magazines, telling jokes, and just being a good friend. Madeline visited several times during the day, and continued to be the champion and knowledgeable adult, which Kaylie greatly appreciated.

In the afternoon Madeline gave Kaylie a knowing look like she had something important to say. "Hillary, bring me some fresh gauze and the hand mirror from my supplies bag. Ann, you will want to be here for this, too."

Madeline carefully removed the bandages from between Kaylie's legs and expertly wiped the area with moistened gauze pads.

"OK, Kaylie, it's time for a look. Hold the mirror so you can see yourself. Don't be shocked, it will look bruised and swollen for a few more days."

Ann leaned in for a look as Kaylie gasped, "I look just like a girl!"

"You ARE a girl, mentally and legally, remember?" Hillary said with a smile. "Why shouldn't you look like the rest of us down there?"

"I think I have to go to the bathroom. Can you help me get out of bed."

"Taking your new equipment for a test drive?" Hillary joked.

"Hillary, help Kaylie stand up, this is serious. But, from now on, Kaylie, you will be able to sit and pee exactly like a girl. Isn't that exciting? Wipe carefully, the incisions are not fully healed yet.

"In a way you are fortunate in the way Dr. Taylor did your surgery. She chose the Stage 1 option where she only removed your testicles and then folded your scrotum over your short penis. You do not have to deal with all the complications of creating an artificial vagina until you are much older if ever. You already have what you need to be a functioning lesbian."

Madeline glanced at Ann. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I just guess I was momentarily shocked by what I saw. There is no going back now. Kaylie is my daughter forevermore."

"The public record section of today's news report has Kaylie's gender reassignment notice," Hillary announced excitedly.

Ann looked shocked. "Public record notice?"

"Yes, gender reassignments are now publicly published along with the traditional births, deaths, adoptions, commitment ceremonies, and other civil matters that the district recorders have always documented and certified."

"Let me read it to you 'June 1, Kyle Clark, age 13, male son of Ann Clark and undisclosed male partner, residing in Mountain View Township, Southern District, Feminist Republic, legally reassigned as Kaylie Clark, female; surgery performed by Dr. Rebecca Taylor MD at Southern Regional Gender Clinic.' Isn't that awesome?"

"What's wrong, Mom? This is something I am proud of. I am finally the girl I wish I had been born as."

"We'll talk later, Kaylie"

Madeline and Hillary had brought over a precooked light supper to share with Ann and Kaylie. The evening's conversation was casual and relaxed, in contrast to the intense, focused, feminization training discussions of the past months. After dinner Hillary went with Kaylie to her room to watch some dance and teen romance videos.

"Remember that novel you read when you were just starting your transition? The one about the two girls who were both afraid to initiate a first serious kiss?"

"Yes, it was a fun book at the time."

Hillary moved closer and put her arms around Kaylie's neck. "What do you think about that story plot now?"

Kaylie was trying to figure out how to answer when a voice came from the living room.

"Hillary, it's time to go. We need to let Kaylie rest.

Kaylie was exhausted and appreciated her mother's help getting ready of bed. She had been enthusiastic about being castrated when Dr. Taylor had offered that option immediately after her official, legal, approval from the Chief Psychologist. She knew she made the right decision, but for the moment she was still really sore down there.

Ann held out a clean pair of panties. "I put an extra thick sanitary pad in there. The doctor said that it will help cushion the area while your incisions heal. Do you want to use an ice pack for the swelling first?"

"I think I will be alright with just some ibuprofen and a sleeping pill tonight."

"OK. Good night, Kaylie, my dear daughter."

"Thanks mom, I really appreciate your support."

Kaylie swallowed her pills, sank down into the bed, and let out a sigh. She had succeeded in passing the aptitude and psychological assessments, there was a long journey ahead. She realized that she had been confused by what she suspected Hillary had been hinting when talking about a serious kiss. As she dosed off her hands moved slowly over her body. What would it be like to have a real girlfriend like in those stories...

Madeline and Hillary arrived after breakfast the next morning with a heavy book bag and a couple of notebooks. Madeline was clearly back in counselor and champion mode.

"There is over a month before you and Hillary go to Girl Scout Camp and it is important that you use the time to get ready for High School in the fall. You were denied all the educational enrichment that other girls received, and have a lot of catching up to do. This first notebook has a summer study plan all worked out for you. You should plan to spend at least four hours a day studying. That will still leave you plenty of time for fun.
"I also signed you up for the three-week summer math and science intensive at the High School you will be attending. Summer session will be lectures to give an introduction to advanced topics combined with working on small-group projects. You will be challenged a bit by the fast-paced academic content, but what you really need is the opportunity to work with other smart girls as a peer."

Kaylie enjoyed hearing the references to 'other girls' as a reminder of her new status. "Will you be there Hillary?"

"I'm not sure yet. There is a dance and music summer intensive at the same time."

"I really like being with you and I ... I appreciate all your support and ..."

"Kaylie, Hillary will be spending plenty of time with you this summer in any case. You need to start enlarging your social and academic circle of friends and supporters."

Ann was listening from the edge of the room and had stayed out of the conversation. "Well, why don't you girls go to Kaylie's room and chat for a while? You can start your summer homework later."

As Kaylie headed toward her room she realized that Hillary had grasped her hand. It was not like she was leading anywhere. It as just a different sort of hand holding. Kaylie turned and their eyes met for a long moment. Kaylie was about to say something but Hillary spoke first.

"We have only a few minutes before I have to go. My mind is really mixed up right now, but my mother keeps telling that is normal at the start of the teen years.

"I am going to continue to help you catch up with the rest of us girls. You, I, and Stacy can do things together between now and Scout camp. I promise. And we will be in scout camp together. That will be a lot of fun."

"You and Stacy are the only girls I have had a chance to spend time with. Remember that until late in this past school year someone named Kyle had to follow the social rules for a boy."

"I know. That is why my mother told you that your need to enlarge your circle of friends. You are nice, attractive; girls will like you."

They were standing close together. Kaylie hesitated. She wondered how to respond. Suddenly Madeline called for Hillary and the moment was over.

Each day Kaylie's recovery continued and she found that she could be more active and was even able to resume the dance stretching that Hillary had taught her. Doing the splits really hurt so soon after surgery, but Kaylie considered the pain a rite of passage. The summer study material, socializing with Hillary, and helping mother around the house filled each day. Ann and Kaylie were adapting to the new family reality. Kaylie was especially happy whenever her mother made a favorable comment about "my wonderful daughter."

Kaylie looked at her pile of summer study materials courtesy of Madeline. She had emphasized how important it was for Kaylie to use the summer wisely and learn as much as possible of the advanced science and math that she had been strictly excluded from as a boy.

A shiver went down Kaylie's spine as she recalled the events of the last year. The assertive classroom questioning by a boy named Kyle lead to discovering that a select few "special boys" could be feminized, reassigned as girls, and then be allowed to stay in school to train for a professional career instead of being sent to the male work camps. For both Kyle Clark and James Smith a life spent as a construction foreman would have been their assigned fate.

Instead, Ms. Lee had arranged for Kyle to take the eighth grade aptitude test which was normally for girls only. His outstanding scores were what belatedly identified Kyle as a "special boy" with valuable intellectual skills. Ms. Lee had told Kyle that she would be his champion and help him prepare for the comprehensive Gender and Identity psychological assessment. Months of emotional stress and effort had followed before all the official approvals were in place. Kaylie Clarke reminded herself that she was now legally a girl, she had been castrated, was now taking a feminizing dose of medically approved hormones, and was on her way to a future as a woman. Jimmy proved to be a testosterone-poisoned stereotypical male, started a fight, and had been kicked out of school after the assault incident. He threw away his chance to be a construction foreman and was likely to spend the rest of his life as a laborer.

Kaylie knew she had succeeded on the aptitude test by a combination of luck, cramming from the books that Madeline contrived to have Hillary loan her, the ability to guess the right answer without actually being able to solve the problem, and whatever native wit and cleverness she had developed. Ms. Lee kept telling Kaylie that she had incredible natural ability. Maybe that was true, but succeeding as a girl in an intensive science and math program would take hard work. Kaylie also knew that as someone who was not reassigned at the normal time she would also have to continue to prove her political reliability and commitment to feminist principles if she was ever to gain a position of responsibility.

Ms. Lee's support was continuing and Kaylie knew that she had used her professional role as Middle School counselor to get both Hillary and Kaylie admitted to the same specialty high school. The Marie Curie School for Science was considered the most selective and demanding high school in the city. Hillary had been a stellar student throughout elementary and middle school and, as expected, she had placed high on the entrance exam. The other girls who would be entering this high school class were also smart and had been taking advanced girls-only enrichment classes all along. They also had been provided extracurricular opportunities like science club, Girl Scouts, and educational field trips.

Being well aware of all the catching up she had to do, Kaylie had decided it was best to alternate between the math and other science study and literature and history reading. The social studies and humanities reading was a way to clear her mind before going back to the equations and formulas.

A key aspect of education in the Feminist Republic was to only give boys the minimum education needed for them to do low-skill manual labor or to be useful household companions for the more traditional-minded women who enjoyed having a well-controlled male around. As a boy she had not been allowed to read anything beyond carefully selected school books and mindless boy-oriented magazines. Online activity carefully monitored and was limited to homework and a highly restricted phone. Now the whole intellectual world was open to her.

She looked up at the highly political wall poster Ms. Lee had given her. Heroic women representing the Feminist Republic were arrayed in front of computer terminals doing cyberbattle with hostile forces from misogynistic foreign nations. "The Feminist Republic needs all the best science and math talent to survive in a hostile world" declared the poster banner.

The next time Hillary came for a visit Kaylie had left an book about historic and contemporary gender roles open on her desk as a conversation opener.

Hillary took the hint. "I see you have been working on all the reading my mother is sending you. What do you think about this?"

"I'm a bit confused at the moment. I know that there are good reasons, but I sometimes still question how our society treats males. Look at what happened to Jimmy. The same or worse could have happened to me too."

"Remember that everything the Feminist Republic legislates is intended to keep males from ever again regaining power. When men were in control they oppressed women, wasted soldiers lives in imperialistic wars, caused tremendous civilian hardship, and destroyed the environment with their greed. Those things are still going on beyond our borders. Just this month there was an attack on one of the Feminist governments in Europe. Look at all the desperate women and children refugees who risk everything to get across the border into our Feminist Republic every year."

"I know. I have been doing my studying. But, what is justice in all this? Is society being fair to males? "

"Look, the genius of the founders of our Feminist Republic was that they found ways to keep men contented and happy. Didn't you read in your philosophy survey about how happiness is a definition of a good life?

"Besides, our society treats men much better that misogynistic societies have treated women throughout history. The rules that are imposed are necessary, but not vengeance . Look in your history books about what life was like for women in Arabia and Afghanistan - covered head to toe, confined to the home, no formal education. Even in "modern" societies men passed laws to control women's bodies and limited their sexual and reproductive rights. Didn't you read about how the 'motherhood trap' and 'glass ceiling' that kept women from reaching top positions in their professions? And, don't get me started about date rape, revenge porn, and partner abuse. Read about what happened in North America as the religious fanatics and male supremacists became powerful and initiated the Era of Oppression.

"The Feminist Republic is just! Men are provided with socially meaningful duties and abundant pleasures for their free time. In the work camps they have access to alcohol, drugs, pornography, and stimulating toys. They are free to do what they want as long as they stay in their place. The only real restriction is that males have absolutely no access to the knowledge and technology that is the basis of real power in a contemporary society."

"Unless the male is a 'special boy' who has their balls cut off so they can stay in school," Kaylie snapped.

"You have a point there, girl. But, I think your motivation to become a girl involved more than just getting a STEM education."

"Yes, I always was jealous of you girls. The fun things you got to do with your friends, the relationships you have with your mothers, all that. You mentioned a Feminist government in Europe. Are there other Feminist Republics I haven't heard of?"

"The largest is a queen-governed feminist monarchy in what used to be the United Kingdom during the Times of Troubles. There are also a few other Feminist enclaves around the world. Our Republic tries to help them survive and prosper."

"It's all complicated. I need to do more history and sociology reading; it's on my list.

"What I am really curious about is how the women got control of this territory and created our Feminist Republic in the first place. Weren't there men living in this part of the continent during the Times of Trouble? Why did those men not cooperate with the enemy territories and fight to keep control. What happened to to all the men who were living here once the women were in charge? "

"I am sure we will study a lot about this in High School and College, Kaylie. Girls on the political and government track spend most of their time on this material. Girls like us on the science, technology, engineering, and math track spend less time on history, but still need to understand these issues to effectively support the feminist cause.

"I think there are several history books on your summer reading list. Spend some time with them, but don't try to study everything at once. "

Suddenly a voice was heard from the living room. "Let's let Kaylie do her summer school work tonight so we can all go shopping tomorrow."

The next morning Hillary was bubbling with excitement when she and Madeline arrived at Kaylie's house. "This will be exciting. My mother and I want to give you some advice on summer fashions and then help you celebrate at lunch. I think Stacy will be out shopping too and might decide to meet us. "

Mother seemed indecisive as she was getting ready to go. Madeline went back into her champion and professional counselor mode. "Ann, everything is official now. You need to be supportive and get used to doing the normal mother-daughter things that you and Kaylie have been missing."

"I know. I just need to get over my emotional guilt. I really hurt Kaylie by causing her to miss her opportunity for gender assessment back in elementary school. And I still have flashbacks about my own father and those misogynists that he associated with."

"Remember, our society has a lot of resources to support transgender girls and their families. Schedule as much counseling as you need, Ann.

"OK, girls, lets get going."

Other than all of Hillary's hand-me-downs, Kaylie had acquired only a few girl clothes of her own. The professional-looking outfit she wore for the psychological assessment had been her biggest purchase to date. Now she needed some stylish, casual summer clothes to wear when spending time with the other girls who would be in her high school class in the fall. Madeline was practical and suggested they start by making sure Kaylie had sufficient underwear.

"We need to get you fitted with a couple of bras and some more panties. I would not get too many bras today. At your stage in your transition you will soon be growing fast. I bet that by the end of summer you will be showing a nice figure without padding in the cups."

"And your current pants will be getting too tight in the butt," Hillary added.

"You will also need some sports bras. No more running around outside in just a tee shirt for you."

Kaylie smiled at the thought. Unlike previous shopping trips Ann actively helped select items and provided supportive comments and advice. It was a lot more fun to have mother finally suggest a really feminine bra with ample padding instead of the plain braletts she had gotten for Kaylie when first starting her transition.

After getting the 'foundations' they picked out some nice jeans and skirts with mix and match tops. By then it was lunch time and they headed to the food court. On the way Hillary reminded Kaylie that she also needed dancewear, sports wear, swim wear, and rugged outdoor clothes for summer camp.

"We can deal with that after lunch," Madeline advised. "Let's eat, but not to much. Girls need to watch their figures."

As the four were eating their healthful salads and diet soft drinks they noticed Stacy Miller striding toward them with her mother, Valerie, trying to keep up. Kaylie pulled back as she saw Stacy's expression.

"Well, if it isn't the Hillary and Kaylie couple!"

Hillary went on the defensive. "So what?"

"Hillary, you and I used to do everything together. You haven't been over to my house for months. I never see you anymore. You are spending all your time with Kyle, sorry, I mean Kaylie, now."

Kaylie suspected the dead naming was not accidental.

"Maybe, Hillary, you like Miss K. because you two were friends back when she was a boy not the thing he has become, and ..."

"Stacy, behave yourself!," Valerie nearly shouted. "That is not the way to treat anyone, especially one of your friends. And remember, Kaylie is not a 'thing' she is officially a girl, just like you."

Stacy took a deep breath. After a long pause she started to get misty eyed. "I am just so upset. I just have been incredibly lonely and feeling left out lately. I miss you Hillary."

"But I have been inviting you to join me and Hillary. It's summer now and we can all spend time together. OK?"

"Well, it is just that I never get any time alone with you. Just the two of us. Sometimes three is a crowd, and ..."

Kaylie looked around wondering how to defuse the situation when Madeline went back into counselor mode.

"I think it would be best if you three girls added a few more to your little clique. You are at an age when you all need to interact with as many friends as possible. And three is not a crowd unless you are getting intimate, which should wait until you are older."

Kaylie decided to try to help. "Hillary, I don't mind if you and Stacy spend some time together without me. But I think we should have fun as a group too. We did a lot of things together while I was a girl in training. Let's enjoy the summer as friends."

Hillary glanced toward Madeline. There was a long silence. It was clear that this was a growing-up situation that she would have to figure out without her mother's help.

"Stacy, if it is alright with Kaylie I will come over to your house this Wednesday. Just the two of us. But after that I really want you to start spending more time with me and Kaylie." Hillary, turned to Kaylie. "Are you OK with this?"

"I'll manage," she replied looking down at the table.

The three mothers looked at each other and decided that the girls had satisfactorily resolved their conflict. As Stacy headed off Kaylie nibbled at her food while wondering why she had made that offer. What would she do for a day without Hillary? She was a full-time girl now, but had almost no experience being outside the house without Hillary as her companion, guide, and protector. Staying inside all day did not seem like a good way to spend her first summer as a female.

That evening Kaylie slacked on her summer school textbooks and spent a couple of hours reading romance fiction. The stories of other girls struggling with relationships seemed particularly engaging at the moment. After a while her mind started to wander and she thought about Hillary. Hillary had been a childhood friend, and she had continued to be nice to Kyle when they reached the age where girls stopped openly associating with boys at school. Once Madeline had become Kyle's advocate for gender reassignment Hillary had assumed the role of a personal tutor. But there were times when it was clear that Hillary was not just doing this because it was what her mother had asked. It seemed like she was a real friend.

Kaylie took out her ID card and looked at the "Female" gender marker. It had been a long journey since she discovered that special boys could be reassigned as girls. It was only a few weeks since it became official and she was still adjusting. She got up and stood in front of her mirror and admired the reflection of a somewhat attractive almost teen girl. Her hair was still shorter than most of her friends. She was disappointed that had not started to develop a figure, but was confident that it was only a matter of time. At least the swelling and soreness 'down there' from the surgery was over she thought with relief.

Her thoughts went back to Hillary. Was it possible that they were becoming more than just casual friends? Did Hillary like her? Kaylie hesitated. She looked up at the list of resolutions she had neatly written in a pink pen and taped to her wall. Yes, it was time to quit daydreaming and get working on her summer goals.

Suddenly she plopped down in the chair in front of her desk and picked up one of her history books and turned to the section on the Era of Oppression. Kaylie already had a general idea of how social and technological trends during those times lead to the men's ultimate downfall, but tonight she decided to dig into some details. As she skimmed the introduction she was reminded of the reasons why women wanted to resist the patriarchy. It was disgusting to read about how women were treated back then by men who considered their privilege and social dominance to be the natural order of things.

The chapter on 'Technology and the Feminist Resistance' began by explaining that designing the hardware and software behind technological devices had always been hard work that required years of focused study in multiple fields. However, even before the Era of Oppression high school boys became more and more interested in mindless electronic entertainment and sports and they stopped making the effort needed to study demanding subjects. As time went on the college enrollment reflected these changes. Females first became the majority of college students overall, and then they became the vast majority of students in science and technology fields. The gender shift in academic paths increased female representation in engineering and computer science careers where smart women worked under the incompetent supervision of male managers.

It was easy for 'men in suits' with management titles to demand long lists of innovations in each new generation of mobile phones, home automation devices, 'smart' appliances, self-guiding vehicles for consumers, automated machinery for industry, and the surveillance drones and target-detecting weapons for the police and military. But, due to their lack of math and science background it became impossible for these managers to understand the details of the technology being used to implement their ideas. To them that was 'women's work' and below their dignity.

During the Era of Oppression a network of equality-focused Feminist organizations developed that encouraged women to address their oppression and envision ways to create a better society. The Feminists were fully aware of social trends as the family-level abuse of women expanded into institutionalized national policy. With time the Feminist secret societies moved from consciousness raising to outright opposition to the whole idea of patriarchy. The activities of these Feminist secret societies remained undercover by presenting the unthreatening public image of being frivolous social gatherings. The groups had names like 'Ladies Literary Club' or 'The Dance and Music Society' to conceal their real purpose.

As the secret societies began active opposition to the oppressive patriarchy women realized that they could weaponize their knowledge of modern computer-based technology. Activist women who were responsible for essential technology in their workplaces became dedicated guerilla fighters for the Feminist cause. At great personal risk they began planning for the day when the only answer would be to be to resist the patriarchy with an organized Feminist force.

The Feminist Secret societies knew that they could not to fight on male terms based on battlefield courage and strength. Instead, these women began clandestinely developing cyberweapons aimed at lists of targets, both human and technological. Computer networking had become a total black-box to nearly all males, and it was easy to develop back channels that allowed scanning of the streams of business and personal data. Female programmers devoted nights and weekends to developing algorithms to mine this data for strategic purposes while telling their fathers and husbands that they had been 'reading poetry' or 'playing music' with the other girls.

While the male 'marketing managers' had been sitting in conference rooms talking about how to monetize the steams of user personal data the Feminists had been developing software to militarize the same data. They were able to compile detailed dossiers on every misogynist ranked by vulnerability and importance.

For the lazy, incompetent, misogynistic men the 'Internet of Things' proved to be their ultimate vulnerability. Virtually every piece of modern equipment contained computer chips that communicated wirelessly with other devices. This ranged from automated factories and power plants to airplanes, mass transportation systems, self-driving cars, household appliances, phones, computer tablets, even the smart speakers in their homes. Men and boys were content to deal with the so-called user-friendly interface of their devices and never thought about what was happening inside. Meanwhile, the women who dominated both software and hardware engineering were becoming more and more familiar with the intricacies of every technology from imbedded software to global networking.

A few traditionalist-minded computer scientists had warned the male leadership that modern civilization was vulnerable to attacks in cyberspace, but because these warnings came from women, the patriarchy paid no attention. Over the decades female engineers and programmers honed their skills by defending against the Russian and Chinese international enemies who engaged in commercial spying and made ransomware hacks into vulnerable computer systems. In the process of developing defenses these brilliant women associated with the Feminist Secret Societies became world-class experts at cyberwarfare.

While the male marketing managers and financiers were dreaming about an Internet of Things as a business opportunity the feminist programmers and engineers were planting extra code in the software and extra logic circuits in the firmware chips that would someday enable them to take control of these myriad devices at will.

The Feminists gradually developed more and more innovative strategies and eventually were routinely hacking into even the most secure systems. As the years went on there were almost no males who were able to understand what was going on at the front lines of science and engineering, and it became easier and easier for women to conceal their accelerating efforts to weaponize high tech.

The history book continued with several more long chapters describing the activities of the Feminist secret societies once they became open centers of resistance during the Times of Trouble. Kaylie was really curious about the battles that happened when the misogynist regions attempted to control the feminist territories by force. But, going into that seemed too much for tonight. Stressed by what she had been reading Kaylie decided it was time to get some sleep.

Kaylie was feeling lonely and jealous as she got dressed for breakfast on Wednesday morning. As usual she checked her chest looking front and profile to see if she was starting to show breasts. Not much yet, but soon, she thought as she took her morning hormone pill.

"What are you going to do this morning, dear?"

Kaylie looked up from her weight-watching light breakfast. "I think I will read for a while then put on a nice outfit and take a walk down to the park and back. Ms. Lee says I need to get used to being outside alone. Might as well get started."

"Remember that girls look people in the eye, even strangers, and smile; no looking down or away like boys are taught to do when encountering women. Rules for girls are different, and this summer is the time to start experiencing your new social role and freedoms."

"I know. Thanks for supporting me."

Ann smiled. But Kaylie thought the reaction still looked forced. She had learned knew that her mother had a lot of emotional baggage about sex and gender from her childhood. Yes, grandfather had been a horrid misogynist, but what was still bothering Mother now?

Kaylie headed to her room and grabbed a math book and began her summer homework morning session. She was a fast learner, but still occasionally struggled because of the years when she had been restricted in what she could study solely because she had been born male. After a couple of hours she decided she was ready to go outside.

As a boy she never gave much thought to clothes, but now she carefully considered every choice of her appearance. For today she wanted to play it safe: a pair of casual jeans, a plain loose-fitting blouse, and a low ponytail. Something totally ordinary that any girl could wear without attracting attention. Jimmy had been sent to a work camp, but the neighborhood still had a lot of younger boys around who might remember her as Kyle from the middle school. Nervously she gave everything a last check and headed toward the front door.

"Mom, I am going to walk down to Riverside Park and then take the nature trail back."

"Be safe, dear."

Kaylie started down the street fully aware that this was her first time out in public alone and without the protection of either her mother, Madeline, or Hillary. She reminded herself that many of the male-restricting laws of the Feminist Republic were intended to make the streets and all other public places safe for females day and night. Still she was reassured by knowing that she had an emergency alarm and pepper spray in the outside compartment of her shoulder bag.

The route to Riverside Park was on a wide sidewalk along a fairly busy scenic parkway. The day was warm, and the street was noisy as the cars hurried past. A few women and small children walking the other direction passed Kaylie without taking any notice. Then she noticed a group of boys were loitering on the curb far ahead. She decided to use the crosswalk and go to the other side of the street. She did not recognize them, and they likely did not know her either, but avoiding proximity seemed the safest choice. After walking a few more blocks past them she crossed back and continued to the nature trail entrance.

The nature trail was a narrow gravel path that wandered through the trees along the river and eventually looped back to the street. The shimmering light of the sun filtering through the vegetation and the sound of the small rapids and whirlpools were relaxing. On the other hand the shrubs close to the trail blocked a full view of what was ahead. Kaylie jumped at a sound and then laughed that she had been startled by a squirrel. Reaching a large clearing Kaylie sat down on a log bench to rest and meditate. So much had happened in the past few months and she still needed to occasionally reassure herself that she was now a girl. She had successfully demonstrated her eligibility for gender reassignment, and Dr Taylor had performed the initial bottom surgery two days after the psychologists signed off on everything. Her official counselor and personal champion, Madeline Lee, had warned her that High School was an emotionally trying time for all girls, and that she needed to not get stressed out by academic, social, romantic, and body image issues. The upcoming summer program promised to be intense and demanding. And, once High School started she knew that she needed to continue to focus because academics were her pathway to a professional career. She thought for a moment about her past schooling as the male who no longer existed and quickly put that memory aside. She was now free to study topics that were forbidden to boys.

Kaylie sat back, enjoyed the peaceful setting and listened to the sounds of nature for a while longer. She knew that she needed to start maturing in her new female role. When her transition started she had often caught herself thinking or acting boyishly from force of habit, but rarely now. She remembered how Jimmy would often drag the boy Kyle off on a random exploration or mischievous prank that broke the rules. She knew now how stupid that was and resolved to never, never let herself act like a boy again. Still, as a boy she had never been afraid to go into the woods or a deserted building. Today, taking the nature trail alone as a girl seemed an intimidating experience. She knew that she needed to start maturing in her new female role.

The darkness among the trees make her recall her history reading about social conditions before the Great Cultural Transformation. It was a time when domestic violence, date rape, and harassment by random males was a constant concern for women. Rallies to "take back the night" were a feeble protest in face of the entrenched misogyny and the sense of male entitlement. She also remembered stories of how transgender girls were harassed, assaulted, and even murdered. Kaylie decided that the grim events during the Era of Oppression were not something to be thinking about on a solo walk on a lightly used trail. Maybe she it was time to head home.

She got up from the bench, looked around cautiously, and hurried along the rest of the trail. She breathed a sigh of relief as she emerged from the dark, forested streamside trail and started along the major street leading toward home.

She noticed a somewhat familiar car race by, then noticed that the car slowed and turned at the corner ahead. She had not seen who was in it due to the glare of the sun on the windows as it passed. Moments later she was aware that the car had gone around the block and was approaching again more slowly. This did not look good.

Kaylie starts experiencing a wider range of relationships and earns more about how the Feminists used technology to defeat the patriarchy.. At the summer science intensive Kaylie meets another Special Boy who experienced a different transition path.

Kaylie was on high alert as the car came to a stop at the curb beside her. This had been her first long walk outside and alone as a girl without the support of Hillary, Ms. Lee, or Mother. She knew, from both sides, that the Feminist Republic had strict laws and social rules to protect females from harassment by aggressive men and boys, but incidents still happened. She looked straight ahead and started walking more quickly. Remembering that running only encouraged predators she slowed down a bit and tried to appear calm and in control while reaching into her shoulder bag for the self-defense spray that Mother said all teen girls should carry.

"Kaylie, Kaylie, I want to talk with you," a distinctly feminine voice called out from behind her. "Kaylie, it's me, Pamela. Pamela Leland, from school."

Kaylie stopped, took a deep breath, and turned toward the voice. "Hello, ... Pam," she replied slowly. "I was not sure who it was in that car."

"I didn't mean to frighten you. I saw you walking as my mother drove past and I asked her to turn around so I could get out and talk to you. What's up? Where are you going?"

"I just took a walk on the nature trail and was heading back home. Hillary was busy today so I had to go out alone, and ... and the experience was new and I was a bit nervous. When the car turned around and came back I was afraid it might be some boys who recognized me, and ..."

"I understand. It never hurts for a girl to be cautious about strangers. But, the car was a civilian vehicle driving on a parkway. You know that males without a female escort are only allowed to drive clearly marked construction and delivery trucks and only on designated commercial routes. And they can only drive at times that are directly related to their work. Males cannot casually cruise around in neighborhoods like they did during the Era of Oppression. All vehicles licensed in the Feminist Republic have driver ID software and GPS-based guidance systems to prevent any inappropriate use. If they tried something illegal the car would automatically stop and lock the doors on them. Besides, all the Middle School boys who knew you at school are still to young to drive, and most of the older boys from this neighborhood are already off living in work camps."

"You're right. I should have thought about that. Ms. Lee keeps reminding me that the Feminist Republic has made the world safe for girls and women.

"Sorry that I thought you were a threat. My mistake. So, why did you stop?"

"I have a lot I want to talk to you about. How about if I tell my Mother I am going to walk with you to your house? It's a nice day to be outside."

"OK, I guess. It would be nice to get to know you better. Right now all I know is that you are smart, were the popular leader of a clique at school, and you defended me in front of your friends that day in the lunchroom."

"Actually, I recall that I defended a cute boy named Kyle. And that day I said that I thought Kyle would make a wonderful girl. Didn't I? And I think I was totally right, Kaylie. What you have done in the last few months was awesome."

"I try not to think about my dead name anymore. Those were tough years when I had to live as a boy. I wish I had been reassigned as a girl much younger and ..." Kaylie started to choke up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I want to help you make friends and enjoy this summer as a girl. I saw how Hillary and Stacy supported you when you were getting ready for your big assessment. I apologize for not supporting you before school got out. I guess your situation being a boy at school and a girl-in-training the rest of the time was awkward for both of us.

"Let me tell my mother to go. Then we can talk more."

Kaylie waited while Pamela talked to her Mother. That gave her time to think about the unexpected opportunity to make a new friend. "Let's go the long way to my house. If you have enough time, that is. We can go back to the nature trail, cross the foot bridge at 10th street and then take 10th to Riverside Drive. The woods will not feel so intimidating with you along."

"Sure. That sounds like fun."

The two girls waved goodbye as Pamela's mother drove off and then headed back toward the nature trail. At first the conversation was limited to remarks about the day and the scenery separated by long silences. Eventually both became more talkative and inquisitive.

"So, what made you interested in talking to me today?"

"I have been really curious about your story ever since that day in the lunch room. You stood your ground when you were being harassed. You openly declared that you were trying to become a girl and that Hillary was helping you prepare for a big assessment. I knew right then that you were someone special, and decided that I wanted to get to know you better."

Kaylie pondered for a while. "What do you mean by 'special'?"

"I guess I meant special meaning someone interesting and fun to be with. But I also know how the teachers and counselors use the term 'Special Boy' to describe the very intelligent boys who are selected to be reassigned as girls so that society can benefit from their science and math talents. The last week of school Ms. Lee arranged for the girls in our class to attend an optional talk about your situation. I went and dragged a few of my friends along. I think 'special boy' really fits you."

"Yeah." Kaylie said with a bit of hesitation.

"But I also think you are special as a girl who is fun to be around. Hillary and Stacy seem to be your only friends, but I would like to become your friend too."

Kaylie thought about her jealousy because Hillary and Stacy were off together without her today. What did Pamela mean by her remark? "Being friends would be nice," she answered softly.

"I heard from Stacy that your mother had prevented you from being assessed back in elementary school. You really missed out on a lot of middle school girl experiences because of that. I am happy that you were finally assessed and approved for.. "

Kaylie looked off into the distance. "I really don't want to talk about my assessment and reassignment right now. Maybe once we get to know each other better. OK?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset. I just want to focus on my future. There is so much for me to learn before school starts again in the fall.

"Let's talk about something else. Pam, what are you doing this summer?"

"Starting next week I am going to the Math and Computers Intensive that the Marie Curie High School is sponsoring for incoming students. And after that I am going to Girl Scout Camp. Hillary and Stacy are active in Girl Scouts and I as sure that they are going. Are you signed up too?"

Kaylie smiled. "Of course am I going to Girl Scout camp. Hillary and her mother got me signed up almost as soon as I got my new official ID card.

"But, I am also signed up for the Math and Computers Intensive. Ms. Lee, I still keep calling Hillary's mother that, told me that the intensive was the best way to prepare for my academic classes in the fall. So, I guess we will be doing the same things for the next few weeks."

"I will be nice being with you at the intensive and at camp. I am really looking forward to it. Will Hillary be at the intensive too?"

"No, her mother wants her to go to a dance and fine arts intensive before Girl Scout camp. Stacy is still deciding what to do with the summer."

"Well, I don't mind if you and I are at the intensive together without Hillary and Stacy," she said as she gently touched Kaylie's hand.

Kaylie did not know how to respond. This conversation was starting to sound like one of the love triangles that were the plot of many stories in the teen romance magazines and novels that she had been encouraged to read as part of her feminine socialization.

"It will be nice having someone I know at the intensive. I have been told that girls come from all the Middle Schools in the city. The intensive really emphasizes collaborative learning and I was concerned about finding someone from this neighborhood to study with. I never got a chance to really get to know any of the academic stars in our Middle School since I was excluded from all of the more advanced classes."

"Kaylie, I will be your friend and will help you the best I can. We will have a fun summer together."

Their eyes met, then Kaylie look down. "We can be just friends, not girlfriends if you know what I mean.

"We are almost to the 10th Street bridge. I guess we took more time on the nature trail than I expected. But I have enjoyed it."

The two girls picked up their pace as they headed back toward their home neighborhood. The conversation drifted from topic to topic: clothes, makeup, upcoming summer events, the start of high school in the fall, and more.

"Well, this is the corner where the way to my house goes one direction and your house is the other. Shall we plan to get together again soon?

Kaylie turned to face Pamela then reached out and lightly took both of her hands at arms length. "Thanks for spending so much time talking with me this afternoon. I am still learning how to be a girl and you have given me a lot of good advice today.

"I know you are curious about my gender reassignment. I promise I will tell you all the gory details sometime. I just was not ready for that right now. Bye."

A few hours later Kaylie put down her 'A First Introduction to Computer Algorithms' book and stared out the window. Normally she stayed up late working through the massive summer reading plan that Madeline Lee had emphasized was important for High School preparation. But tonight neither hard science nor social studies nor even romance fiction appealed. Computer algorithms seemed the least appealing. It all seemed so abstract and loaded with unfamiliar jargon. Besides, all through Middle School Kaylie had been under the constraints applied to males and this meant absolutely, absolutely no access to anything but the high-level interface on devices that had multiple levels of access controls. She had never had any exposure to even the most basic computer programming.

Kaylie though about what was ahead. The summer science intensive. was starting on Monday and Kaylie would be there while her absolutely best friends, Hillary and Stacy, would be at the Fine Arts Summer Intensive. Her new friend, Pamela Lee, would be the only girl she already knew before the intensive started. She would be on her own and would need to find her way onto the work teams and into study groups. Kaylie had been struggling for months to catch up but she knew she was still far behind the honors section girls her age. All her middle school years had been a time of low-level classes considered suitable for boys and she had been denied access to the library, unrestricted internet browsers, honors-level courses, and enrichment clubs.

She started thinking about the adults in her life. Maybe Ms. Lee had planned this summer arrangement for a purpose. Hillary was on a science track and could have benefited from the intensive, but she loved dance and the arts too. Forcing Kaylie to be in an academic program without her Middle School friends might have been a part of the female socialization that Ms. Lee emphasized was so essential.

Kaylie and Ann Clark were becoming more and more a mother and daughter team, but there still was tension. Kaylie had to struggle to suppress her resentment over the fact that Mother had prevented her from being assessed way back in third grade. Her life would have been so much different now if she had been identified as a 'Special Boy' back then and had been started on the path to gender assignment when she was younger. She knew that she had missed out on a lot by not growing up as one of the girls. But Kaylie had been told many times that her mother had repressed emotions resulting from her own upbringing by a domineering, patriarchal father. Ann's attitude to the whole idea of gender reassignment for boys and been confused and inconsistent all along. Eventually Kaylie acknowledged that she and Mother both now have childhood hang-ups to work through. With a sigh she tried to get back to her studying.

Her mind wandered and she started wondering if there was anything to the fact that Hillary and Stacy were both going to the Fine Arts Intensive. Probably not, but for some reason that still bothered her. Maybe I have been reading too much about love triangles in teen romances, she thought. Feeling exhausted she decided it was time for bed.

Science Intensive

"Are you looking forward to your first day at the the summer intensive?" Ann asked over breakfast.

"I guess so. It will be tough at first not knowing any of the other girls, except for Pamela."

"Meeting people and making friends your age is important. It will be good for you both socially and academically. Hurry up, and get dressed. You know it will take you a while to walk to the school and it would be good to be there early."

Kaylie went back to her room, dropped her robe, and very deliberately got dressed in a just-below-the -knee length dark skirt and a solid color blouse that she had selected the night before. She brushed her still somewhat short hair, applied an almost invisible touch of makeup, and decided she was ready. The understated very proper school-girl look was exactly what she wanted for the occasion.

The summer science intensive was being held at the Marie Curie High School of Science, which was about a half hour walk for Kaylie. Mother insisted that she plan to walk each day saying the exercise would be good for her. The day was sunny and she arrived a bit overheated. She saw a bench in the shade of a tree and plopped down and closed her eyes to meditate for a few moments.

"Hi, mind if I join you?"

Kaylie looked up and saw an unfamiliar girl standing in front of her. She had an attractive, but angular face, a bit tall, and had a stocky build. She was very attractively dressed in a summery but somewhat formal skirt and blouse.

"Please sit down. My name is Kaylie Clark, and yours?"

"Patricia Ruhr," she replied with a smile. "I wanted to meet you and I am glad I got a chance before our first session today."

"You wanted to meet me? Why? I don't think we know each other."

"We haven't met before, but I heard about you. Aren't you the person who managed to pass the assessment for gender reassignment at the very end of Middle School?"

"Maybe, is that any of your business?," Kaylie snapped then immediately regretted her remark.

Patricia sat down and turned toward Kaylie with a serious look. "We have something in common, Kaylie. I was also a boy once. I know what you are going through, and I want to support you."

Kaylie gasped.

Kaylie had been in high anxiety for weeks about attending the summer science intensive and she suspected that Ms. Madeline had arranged for Hillary to be elsewhere because it would force Kaylie to start meeting new people and making friends as a girl. She had not expected that the first girl she would meet at the intensive would be another 'Special Boy.'

"I .. I don't know what to say. I have never met someone else who openly identified as a reassigned boy and ... I mean who was reassigned as girl and ... I mean a girl like me. "

"That's OK. Just remember people like us are 'girls' first and foremost. Anything about our social and biological gender in the past is only relevant if we want to talk about it."

"Thanks. Looking at you I would have never guessed what you just told me about yourself."

"Well, I will give you one hint. Those like us who have been reassigned as girls are always especially conscious about our appearance and presentation while avoiding any extreme looks. Whenever you see a girl who always looks like a future professional, even when other girls are not, there is a good chance she was once a 'Special Boy' who is somewhere along in her transition." Kaylie looked around and realized that she and Patricia were the only ones dressed in 'school girl proper.' It was obvious that most girls had taken advantage of the lack of a dress code and had come to the intensive wearing casual summer sportswear and were showing lots of skin.

Just then the bell rang. Kaylie and Patricia got up from the bench and walked together up the steps into the building. As the neared the door a dark-haired girl wearing high-top boots, really stretchy tights and a crop-top cut in front of them almost bumping into Patricia and definitely blocking Kaylie's way.

"Don't mind her. Her name is Nancy Black, and 'black' really fits the way she dresses. Always some version of self-centered gothic punk rebel. She has an opinion about everything and is convinced that she is the only one who is ever right." Pat looked at Kaylie. "I shouldn't say things like that, but you will see for yourself in the next few days. Her latest thing is to declare that her last name is racist and we should call her Nancy B. Let's get to our classroom."

When they arrived the room was already nearly full but they found two empty desks near the back. Looking around Kaylie saw Pam Leland up near the front, reading in a book. Kaylie noticed that Nancy B was also in the class. Unlike most of the other girls Nancy was not reading; she was scanning the room like she was looking for someone.

The instructor was an older girl who was bubbling with excitement about being able to lead a math class as part of her college-preparation program. Her attitude immediately brought all the girls to full attention and set the mood for the morning.

"Today we are going to start a week-long session on the absolutely classic text 'Euclid's Elements' which was the most important mathematical textbook used by students for centuries. The language is archaic and the illustrations are crude compared to modern computer-drawn graphics, but learning to find your through primary material is a vital part of your education. You all will have seen much of this in simplified form intended for average Middle School students. But you girls are here because you are going to be attending a science-focused High School in the fall and are being trained for high-level professions in STEM fields. We will be emphasizing rigorous, step-by-step proofs building the entire field of plane geometry from five basic postulates. This is serious training in abstract mathematical reasoning and logic, and is essential for your intellectual development. Let's get started."

Kaylie opened the book that had been handed out and quickly scanned the first few pages. Her innate speed reading ability had been her salvation while cramming for the assessment leading to her gender reassignment but this writing style was different and one needed to keep going between the concise text and the diagrams. Some of the material on lengths and angles, and laying out geometric shapes with a compass and straight edge looked familiar from the construction trade classes she had taken as a boy, but the logical approach was new.

The instructor was trying to motivate the class. "This classic book was central to the curriculum studied in patriarchal Western Europe by BOYS for centuries, from the Middle Ages through the Industrial Revolution. Back then girls were not given an education that would prepare them for the universities. Much later, girls were allowed to attend school but were still expected to become wives and homemakers, not scholars. When aptitude tests were invented boys always scored better than girls on things like logical reasoning and the graphical shape, length, and angle problems. Men claimed that this showed that males were innately better at technical subjects. This was NONSENSE! The difference was that boys had studied geometry and girls had not. Now we make sure that only GIRLS learn this material and boys are strictly prevented from learning advanced math. Well, actually our society allows a few Special Boys to learn math and science as long as they agree to made into girls."

It seemed that the instructor's remark had been directed right at Kaylie and Patricia. A slight giggle went around the room. Kaylie looked up and noticed Nancy B staring at Patricia with an icy look.

There was no time to worry about gender-related remarks as the instructor immediately started filling the blackboard with problems and proofs, and all of Kaylie's attention needed to be on the work at hand. Every few minutes there would be a shift from mini-lectures to individual problem solving.

Kaylie quickly got the idea. Identify the known information, make deductions from the basic postulates and from the theorems that had already been proven, conclude that what was to be shown followed logically step by step, and then end the proof with the abbreviation 'QED.' Keeping up became easier as the morning went on, but it was still an exhausting experience. Finally the geometry class was over for the first day. She put away her notes and text and followed Pat toward the door. It was lunch time and Kaylie and Pat were greeted by Pamela in the hallway.

"Hi, Pam. This is Patricia Ruhr, we just met this morning. Pat, this is Pamela Leland, someone I sort of knew in Middle School."

There was a quick exchange of 'Nice to meet you,' followed by a moment of awkwardness. Pam and Pat were both looking at Kaylie then at each other and back to Kaylie again. No one wanted to be the next to speak.

Kaylie realized what the problem was. "Pamela knew me when I was still a boy in Middle School. Patricia heard a little about what I went through in the past year so she knows my background too."

Kaylie looked at Pat. It's your turn, she thought.

"OK. This morning I told Kaylie that I was identified as a 'Special Boy' back in elementary school. I have been living as a girl ever since.

"Now our secrets are out between us girls, but let's not make big deal about it to the others who are here. Legally and academically Kaylie and I are girls, 100% girls. How we became eligible to attend this summer intensive is none of their business." Patricia ended emphatically.

Pam was standing in a relaxed pose with her hand on her hip. "I wasn't very nice to Kaylie back in Middle School and I am sorry about that. But that's all past. After school got out I told Kaylie that I was going to support her, and I mean it. She had only two close girl friends during her transition, and neither one is attending this science intensive. She told me that she is a bit uneasy about that."

"It was hard for me to transition even though I started much younger. I can hardly imagine what it must have been like to go through school under all the male restrictions and then get approved for reassignment the summer before High School."

"Yes. One hurdle after another. Being allowed to take the aptitude test that I would never have survived without Hillary getting in 'good trouble' by loaning me unapproved books. Then months of intense socialization as a girl at home while still being legally a boy at school. I still feel so far behind everyone else socially and academically."

"Well, I am going to be on your support team for the next three weeks."

"Me too."

"Thanks. Thanks to both of you."

"We better get through the lunch line and find a table. We all need a break and some food. I heard the afternoon is going to be even harder than this morning was."

As they went through the line Kaylie picked up a fruit and salad plate and a drink, skipping the temptation of potato chips or dessert. She noticed a completely empty table by the window and headed there followed by her friends. She noticed that Pam was also watching calories, but Pat seemed to have a big appetite.

"Well Kaylie, how do you feel about your first morning in a math classroom with honors-student level girls?" Pat asked with a sly smile.

"I have never had to concentrate as much as I did this morning. But I think I am enjoying it. The math that I was allowed to take in Middle School was so lame."

Pat leaned forward so that other tables would not hear. "Well, welcome to the world of Special Boys. The reason we are being feminized is because the teachers and counselors decided we have the potential to reach the top levels of science and math. We are continually being assessed and need to surpass even the very smartest biological girls. I have been dealing with this for years. You will catch up and get used to it."

"Remember the payoff of being a woman when you grow up," Patricia added.

"And don't forget what happens to boys who start being feminized but then don't measure up academically. If they are lucky they get a position as a caregiver or household domestic, if not then ..."

"I know, the work camps are totally macho and are extremely dangerous. Especially for someone who has any effeminate traits."

Pamela decided to change the topic. "So, Kaylie, now you see what you were missing while I was in the girls-only enrichment programs and honors classes, and you were taking the easy classes with the boys and remedial-track girls."

"I hated being with the boys and was always jealous of girls like you and Hillary and Stacy. I would hear the boys talk about how happy they were that they did not have to take any hard classes like the girls. Boys thought it was great that they got to spend most of their short school day goofing off then playing video games and sports while the girls had to study then do extracurricular activities in the afternoon and evening."

"Did you ever hear any boys complain that they couldn't study things like math?", Patricia cut in.

"No."

"Did you ever hear other boys complain about not being able to train for science, technology, engineering, math, medicine, and computer science careers?"

"No. If they talked about things like that at all they would say that those fields were too hard and took too many years of school. Nearly all boys were happy to get out of school as soon as they could. The only reason I was allowed to complete eighth grade was that I was on a construction foreman training track."
Feminist History

"You have a much better future available to you now. Like I said though, you need to keep proving yourself worthy. Total loyalty to feminism. Outstanding ability to use technology to advance the feminist cause. What do you think about all that?"

"I have a big question that has been bothering me. I know that the Feminists triumphed during the Times of Trouble by using technology. But why were the males so vulnerable? I really have never understood what happened that allowed the women to gain control over the men after thousands of years of patriarchy."

"I remember hearing in Political History class that boys had been falling behind the girls academically for decades," Pamela remarked. "We read that back during the Era of Oppression men avoided the hard majors in college. They believed that as men they were entitled to success and did not need strive. Men either went into 'high prestige' white-collar careers in business management, marketing, financial trading, and other types of wheeling and dealing, or else made a blue-collar living mindlessly tending highly automated production equipment,"

"Pam, I would say that male reluctance to work hard in academics was the biggest reason that the women were able to take control during the Times of Trouble. Kaylie, political history was another topic you were not allowed to study as a boy. That knowledge is too dangerous for males to learn."

Pat leaned forward. "As a girl you will be able to study all this in your High School history classes, and but let me give you a quick version right now if Pam doesn't mind. Like all Special Boys going through the normal transition program I had to attend evening and weekend training sessions to build our feminine identity and ensure we would grow up politically reliable. There was a group of us from different schools who would show up and act like 'good girls' while we read, took tests, watched videos, and did role-playing exercises until the history and ideals of the Feminist Republic were firmly planted in our minds."

"It sounds like brainwashing," Pam remarked.

"It was, but let me tell the highlights of the story.

"Before the beginning of agriculture most human societies were matriarchal. The women knew the foods to gather, the medicinal herbs, the skills to maintain camp and get through the winter, and most importantly produced the babies. Religion was centered on the idea of a Mother Goddess. Men hunted, fought other tribes, and considered themselves important, but only survived because of their mothers, sisters, and wives.

" The brute physical strength and aggressiveness of the males became more important with the beginning of agriculture and the founding of city-states and empires. It was more productive for the men to raid a nearby community, steal their food, and enslave their children than for the women to gather the fruits of the forest as they had done for generations. This pattern of male-dominated society became more and more prevalent. As so-called civilization evolved the male-dominated social structure focused on materialism and exploitation of weaker groups. The warlords and chieftans used both large-scale war and small-scale domestic violence to insure their position as an elite patriarchy.

"The industrial revolution diminished the importance of physical strength, but males used their long-time privilege to give themselves preferred access to the education needed to deal with the new technologies. Eventually, though, men became less and less interested in doing intellectually demanding work. As the economy and society shifted in the late twentieth century men lost out. Male unemployment increased as jobs in ranching, logging, mining, and manufacturing disappeared. Meanwhile jobs increased in traditional 'women's work' like nursing and teaching. The men retreated to what they saw as appropriate male activities: watching sports, engaging in fights and other physical contests, playing violent video games, and getting drunk while socially bonding with their buddies. Striving academically ceased being a male activity.

Kaylie, remember what you said about your male classmates being glad they did not have to tale the hard classes like the girls?"

"Yeah, Pat, that was pretty much the attitude."

"Well, that trend continued for decades. The men who went to college took easy courses like descriptive 'rocks for jocks' geology as their 'science' and majored in easy but high-prestige majors like recreation and leisure, finance, marketing strategy, and business management. The looked forward to careers sitting in conference rooms doing wheeling and dealing while telling each other how important they were.

"Meanwhile the females, called 'girls' by men even when they were adult women, took the hard courses all through high school and then majored in STEM fields like physics, chemistry, engineering, mathematics, and computer science. After graduation they moved into both important applied positions like medicine and design engineering and the fundamental research and development positions that provided the foundation for a knowledge economy.

"It became rare to find a male who could troubleshoot an electronic circuit or debug a piece of software code. With each decade men became more and more fat, dumb, and lazy."

"And disgusting," Pam quipped.

"Meanwhile, the women took over more and more of the essential jobs that were needed to sustain a modern technological society. They were underpaid compared to men because males were uncomfortable having their wives earn more than them. They endured social restrictions and male violence because men dominated the legislatures, the courts, and the police.

"The patriarchal leaders and their enforcers, both civilian police and the military, thought of future conflicts in traditional terms of guns and planes and armored tanks with waving flags and massed troops. Training emphasized hand-to-hand combat and 'joy-stick control' of weapons platforms. However, with modern technology this type of hardware became more and more obsolete.

"When conflict started during the Time of Troubles the Feminists unleashed devastating cyber counterattacks. This is how the women seized control of the patch of territory that is now the Feminist Republic of Pacifica and a few other enclaves around the world."

"This sounds too easy. Didn't the men have any way to fight back?"

"I gave you a really condensed version, Kaylie. I covered nearly a century of social, technological, and political change while you were eating your salad. I left out the years of growing Feminist consciousness, the waves of Feminist political activity, the secret Feminist organizations, the extensive preparations the Feminist leaders made for the conflict that they knew was coming, the weapons they embedded in software applications and in circuit chips, and lots more."

Pat glanced at the wall clock. "We can talk about this more some other time. Besides you will get all this information again in the historical and political orientation sessions that are a required for all of us Special Boys attending science intensives. If you haven't figured out yet, Special Boys always get an extra level of scrutiny no matter how long ago they were reassigned.

"We better get going back to class."

As she headed to the afternoon session Kaylie thought about what Pat Ruhr had just told her. Now the strict Feminist Republic restrictions on boys learning technology started making a little more sense. All through Middle School she had been frustrated by the prohibitions on reading advanced books, using the library, internet and computer access, and so much more. She always wondered what the girls were doing in the honors section classes and extracurricular enrichment activities, and was very, very jealous. The social studies reading the Ms. Lee had given her when she was cramming for the big psychological, political, and identity assessment emphasized historical facts and events, but had not gone deeply into why social trends happened.

Brainpower and control of technology had been the key to the Feminist victory that lead to the creation of the Feminist Republic of Pacifica. Now the strict restriction on the education of males was being used as a way to insure continued female dominance.

She had been close friends with Hillary and a few other girls in Elementary School but they had been forced apart as they grew older because the teachers and parents started enforcing rules preventing boys from socializing with girls. School had been lonely, very lonely. The things other boys did not interest the boy dead named Kyle, and contact with the girls had been cut off. Passing the assessment and being approved to be reassigned as a girl had been the most wonderful day of her life. She was way behind the normal treatment schedule because she had not started on her gender reassignment at the normal time. She remembered that her mother had kept Kyle at home the day of the scheduled assessment in elementary school.

Gender reassignment of selected boys was now an institutionalized practice and widely accepted within the Feminist Republic. Of course feminization of males was totally rejected by the surrounding misogynistic countries. Even within the Feminist Republic there were traditionalist groups and religious cults that expressed objections to gender change.

Then there was the matter of personal choice. Pat Ruhr was the first Special Boy her age that she had met, and Pat seemed like a much less girly-girl than Kaylie considered herself. She had embraced feminization for both social and intellectual reasons. As she approached the classroom she wondered if every Special Boy was as enthusiastic about castration as she had been.

The afternoon session was focused on algebra, formal logic, and pre-calculus. Fortunately Kaylie had studied some of this while cramming for the assessment and had done more self-study following Ms. Lee's suggestions. Well, it had been more than suggestions. Ms. Lee had emphasized how important it was for Kaylie to catch up with the other girls and be clearly eligible for honors-level work each year in High School. As a 'Special Boy' her social status and career prospects were totally dependent on intellectual merit. Her surgery meant that she would never go back to being male, but there were no guarantees for her professional future. Each step was competitive and Kaylie knew success would take hard work.

Kaylie enjoyed being with Patricia and Pamela at the science intensive but also missed being with Hillary and Stacy. Hillary must have sensed this because she wandered over to the Clark house Monday afternoon almost as soon as Kaylie got home. Kaylie rushed to the kitchen to get some refreshments then the two girls went out into the back yard and sat down on the lawn.

"So, how was your first day of summer science intensive?"

"Mentally challenging, but fun too. And I know it is important for me. The whole place is full of absolutely brilliant girls and I can see how much catching up I have to do. You mother told me I need to expand my circle of friends and supporters and that seems to be happening.

"I think it is great that Pamela Leland is there with you. She has really been supportive of you since you reassignment. Is there anyone else from our Middle School there?"

"No, but let me tell you the exciting news. This morning I met Patricia Ruhr who introduced herself as being another Special Boy. She was identified back in Elementary School. You know, I have never actually met another Special Boy my age. Patricia said she knows what I am going through and would help me get ready for High School. Besides, she is really smart and great to be with in classroom breakout groups."

"That sounds promising. I guess both Pamela and Patricia will be at Marie Curie High School in the fall? It sounds like I need to meet Pat sometime."

"How about you? Are you happy that you are taking the fine arts intensive instead of the science intensive this summer?"

"You know my mother pushed me toward the arts intensive, and I am OK with that. It is mentally and physically exhausting though. We had three hours of really hard dance movement class in the morning. I barely recovered during lunch and then we had an acting class followed by an hour lecture discussion about integrating technology with traditional art presentation. We are going to have to do an integrated project in the last week and we were warned that all this information would be important."

"Thanks for coming over. We both need to unwind and relax, and be friends together. Let's go sit on the bench in the shade over there."

Hillary held onto Kaylie's hand after helping her up from sitting on the ground. and continued to hold hands as they strolled across the lawn. The sat close to each other on the bench and chatted until it was time for everyone to go home.

The same pattern of geometry in the morning and algebra and something called introduction to algorithms in the afternoon continued for the next few days of the science intensive. The effort was mitigated by the promise that the next two weeks of the would include more fun activities. Of course this 'fun' would still involve highly focused learning experiences.

Friday came and the algebra class ended early so that a guest instructor could introduce the second week's activities. Nearly all the girls sighed with relief after a week of full days spent on geometry and algebra. Even the most mathematically inclined had burned out. After a short break a tall, thin woman in a well-tailored summer outfit managed to get everyone's attention.

"You girls did a great job this week. I know it was hard and extremely academic, but there was a purpose. Next week we are going to start doing computer programming using the development of a simple video game as the unifying exercise. The next two weeks will be a lot more fun and will give you learning experiences that will help motivate you in your High School classes. What you worked on so hard for this past week will give you essential background that you will need for the projects coming up.

"You are all familiar with using devices that contain computer chips. Nearly every piece of modern technology phones, cars, reading tablets, even household appliances have imbedded software that controls the device. But, you have only been interacting with the software through elaborate graphical user interfaces that someone wrote to control the underlying logical processes. Have you ever thought about what really happens when you scroll down to a menu item and press 'enter'? Or do you know what exchange of data really takes place when you enter a phrase into an internet browser and press the search icon?"

Kaylie thought back to the time before her gender reassignment. The devices she had access to as a boy were deliberately crippled and lacked nearly all the functions of the 'smart phones' all the girls were given. All a boy's phone could do is call or message a limited set of approved contacts: mother, the school office, emergency services. It was a big deal to be granted permission to call a friend's parent so that a message could be relayed. Any attempt on the school and library computers to explore beyond the strictly limited curriculum-related material brought up a big red 'access denied' flag and also alerted the adult supervising the computers room.

"An important part of this intensive is to give you your first exposure to computer science. This means learning the technical fundamentals of logic and memory circuits and the logical processes behind every piece of software. It may feel tedious compared to following your friend's video links on social media, but understanding computer science is the most powerful thing in our modern world. Those who control the computers control the world! You all heard about this in your girls-only political history sessions at school. But starting next week you will start gaining the skills to join the elite sorority that protects our Feminist Republic. To get you excited repeat after me ..."

A shout of high-pitched voices soon filled the room.

"She who controls the computers controls the world!"

Then another chant, "Sisters unite. The computers win our fight!"

Finally the chanting and cheers died down and the instructor resumed the presentation. "Yes, as the world learned during the Great Cultural Revolution the control of the software behind the internet of things means control over every aspect of modern technological hardware. The lazy, uneducated, misogynists were helpless in the face of feminist cyberattacks during the Times of Trouble.

"Never forget that electronic circuits and computer logic are the most powerful thing our the modern world. More powerful than the mines, factories, and armies that men once thought were the source of political and economic power. Even the marvels of genetic engineering and biotechnology would be unmanageable without computer databases and DNA sequence comparison software. Let's have another cheer."

"Women rule; controlling men is not cruel!"

Kaylie felt a shiver go up her spine. She had never been in a room where the level of feminist intensity was so high. No wonder that the boys she had been with in elementary and middle school were so terrified of women. For them it probably seemed like relief to be sent off to live in a man camp where their days were filled with modest work requirements followed by leisure time spend with drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex toys, and male bonding. That would have been her fate too if Madeline Lee had not discovered her intellectual potential and shepherded a frightened boy down the path to gender reassignment.

As the girls rushed out the room to start enjoying their weekend the instructor called out Patricia Ruhr and Kaylie by name.

"Close the door and then sit down, I have something important to go over with you."

Nancy B noticed that they had been singled out and gave them a knowing sneer as she marched out the door.

Patricia looked tense as she nearly slammed the door behind Nancy.

"What the heck is it going to be about this time?," Pat whispered to Kaylie in a low voice so the instructor would not hear.

Kaylie and Patricia continue to prove themselves compared to the other girls at the science intensive. A backyard party leads to resorting of romantic relationships. A clever subroutine by Kaylie may have consequences.

For some reason Patricia Ruhr and Kaylie Clark had been detained by the instructor while the rest of the girls got to head home to relax after the first week of the summer science intensive. Pat plopped down at a desk looking frustrated. Kaylie sat down more properly smoothing her skirt underneath and crossing her ankles. Both were wondering what this was about as the instructor stared at them sternly.

"Your school records indicate that you were both born male and have since been approved for gender reassignment. I am delighted that you have agreed to become girls and devote your intellectual talents to the Feminist Republic. Although you two were reassigned at different ages you are both now on the same STEM education track. You are also at an age where gender transitioning involves intense biological, psychological, and social adjustments.

"Your records were assessed by the political cadres for political reliability indications before your registration for this summer intensive was approved, and you both passed that screening. However, I need to remind you the absolute importance of total loyalty to the ideals of the Feminist Republic. Once you have been given access to what is called the 'administrator', 'superuser' or 'command line' level of any computer you have obtained incredible power. Intact males, and even feminized men who have male lovers, have not been allowed this power since women took control during the Great Cultural Revolution. Do not abuse your privileges. Doing so will bring swift punishment. Understand?"

Patricia and Kaylie nodded nervously.

"At the start of every computer science course every girl is required to go through the standard warnings and check the box acknowledging that use is being monitored and that they understand the rules regarding what is prohibited.

However, given your transgender status the two of you will be required to take additional training and undergo an additional examination regarding political reliability. It is nothing personal, everyone who started as a Special Boy has to do it.

"We take this very, very seriously. Here is a reading packet that you need to go through over the weekend. Next week you will have to take a written, hardcopy test to verify that you fully understanding about what is prohibited, the historical context of why these restrictions for males exist, and the measures the Feminist Republic and its allied sister states now use to protect against their misogynistic enemies.

"You can go now. Have a nice weekend."

Pat lead the way out of the room. Kaylie noticed that Pat had grabbed her books under her arm instead of carrying them in front girl-style. Once out of earshot she turned to Kaylie.

"I hate being singled out like that. I know why, but I still hate it!"

"Well, I did not like being reminded of my gender reassignment either. I am sure she was only doing her job."

"Kaylie, the problem is that the Feminist leadership is still paranoid about the gay male traitors who tried to sabotage feminist cause during the early years of the Republic. Once the feminists got control of this territory they tried to set up what they called a 'rainbow society' with complete equality for women, gentlemen, gay men, bisexuals, transgender persons, queer persons, intersex persons, any race, creed, or color. The only group not granted full rights were the born-male, male-identifying individuals who refused to accept the ideals of identity equality.

"Unfortunately there were a small number of effeminate men who initially presented themselves as feminist allies, but had secret male lovers living across the border in the misogynistic regions. This created a conflict of loyalty, and some became spies and saboteurs. They used their access to computers in the Feminist Republic to support attacks by the enemy governments. Fortunately they were caught and deported before they did too much harm.

"Ever since then the Feminist Republic has been very cautious about any male-born individual who does not pass 100% on the political loyalty assessments. Effeminate gay and heterosexual men are socially accepted as artists, entertainers, service workers, caregivers, social escorts, and domestic companions, but are not considered politically reliable. As a result they are not allowed to be trained for science, technology, and math positions and definitely are not allowed unfettered computer access.

"I know it is not transphobia or homophobia, it is history. But that does not mean I like the suspicion that girls like us have to be subjected to. Does that make sense?"

Kaylie thought back to her psychological assessment day and the terrible experience during the Thematic Apperception Test where she was shown provocative images while her subconscious physiological responses were being monitored by cameras and instruments. She passed. She felt attracted to Hillary. Why was her loyalty a question.

"Pat, can I ask you something? Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Not really. You?"

"Hillary Lee had been my friend since Elementary School and is my biggest supporter. We haven't gotten serious though, if you know what I mean."

"Sounds normal for our age. Let's go home. It looks like we have a lot of homework before we get to log on to the computers next week."

Computer Camp

The second week of the summer science intensive began with a flurry of old-fashioned hard-copy forms where the girls had to promise to follow all the computer access and computer security rules, and to agree that a violation was grounds for immediate dismissal from the science intensive. The instructor was accompanied by two computer security staffers who gave a demonstration of how easy it was for them to monitor use and detect any improper activity.

After completing her weekend computer security homework Kaylie knew to pay full attention. It was clear from the whispering in the room that most of the girls were clearly impatient and wanted to get going on the week's activities. Shortly the computer security cadres logged off from the classroom video channel and headed back to their crypt where they could respond to any automated alerts from the omnipresent monitoring software.

The instructor brought up a demonstration screen and began discussing the basics of interacting with a computer operating system in programmer mode. In place of the usual colorful graphics and menus there was a monochrome display with a simple command prompt: '>'. The entry '> dir *.exe' brought up a list of executable programs. The entry 'list demo1.exe' brought up the actual source code for a simple program. The instructor showed how using the text editor to change a few characters followed by a 'compile' command altered how the program worked or even brought it to a complete halt. It seemed boring at first but Kaylie quickly realized that there was enormous power to being logged in as an administrator who could directly manipulate source code.

The instructor started another demonstration by giving Pamela Leland the cable to display her screen on the classroom projector and then launch a popular social media program on her laptop.

The instructor gave the class a cunning look. "Now I will use my network access to hack into Ms. Leland's laptop at the super user command level. We will display our screens side by side."

The class watched as Pamela started looking at some harmless photos and messages. The instructor typed in a few lines of concise commands and Pam suddenly was not able to use the cursor to select anything. After a few frustrating seconds the instructor restored cursor control to Pamela but then all the images turned to blood red squares. After a few more seconds Pam's computer went blank except for a "You have been hacked!" message.

"Girls, all the fancy graphical user interface based software that you are accustomed to using is easily disrupted by anyone who understands the operating system at a command line level. That is true power in a technological society."

Finally it was time for the first break. As the girls got up the instructor called Kaylie and Patricia up to her desk and told them that they needed to go to a separate room afterward. They headed out the door and joined the end of the line outside the girl's restroom. Some things never seem to change. Nancy B came out and another girl squeezed in.

As Nancy walked past Kaylie and Pat she grinned knowingly. "I have been told that 'Special Boys' need to get extra security clearance before they get a login password," she said in a matter of fact voice that was loud enough for anyone nearby to hear.

"She always does things like that. I hate it but can't do anything about it," Patricia grumbled softly.

"Why not" I thought there were rules about harassment of all students including girls like us."

"Think about her remark. She simply spoke a totally factual declarative sentence. She cannot be penalized for that. That girl is smart about what says. Any harassing implication or indication that it was directed toward us was solely in the mind of the listener. Move ahead, it is almost our turn."

After Kaylie and Patricia did their business they went to the indicated room where there was another instructor there accompanied by one of the computer security staff. As soon as the girls sat down the examination started.

"Do you pledge full allegiance to the Feminist Republic?"

"Yes!"

"Now stand, recite the loyalty oath, then sit down, give your phones and laptops to our security officer, and get ready to take the written test.

For the next two hours Kaylie and Patricia worked furiously through multiple-choice, short written answer, and multi-paragraph essay questions about the crucial role of computer technology, cybersecurity, and cyberdefense to the creation and preservation of the Feminist Republic. Most was straightforward and based on the homework they had been given over the weekend, but some involved integrating their previous studies in history, gender relations, human sexuality, political science, and logical reasoning into well thought out answers.

It was demanding, and Kaylie was aware that despite the intense study and female socialization she had received under Ms. Lee's direction she was still at a disadvantage. It had been less than a year since she had learned about the possibility of being identified as a Special Boy at her age. First it had been cramming for the eighth-grade aptitude test where she had overcome the years of being restricted to the lower-level classes that boys were allowed to take and prove that she had important intellectual potential. Then it was the socialization and feminist reading that prepared her for the big psychological, gender identity, and political reliable assessment that had made her eligible for legal, and medical, gender reassignment. She had been officially a girl for only a few weeks and ... Focus on the test she thought.

Answer: "As the legend of Davidia and Goliath shows a clever person using distance weapons can overcome the size and strength advantage of aggressive males."

Answer: "The ability to seize control of the misogynistic enemy's self-driving vehicles was a key to stopping the attempted invasions of feminist territory."

Answer: "As time went on the males stopped studying topics like electronic circuit design because it required too much hard preparation in math and physics."

Answer: "Feminist engineers had secretly imbedded numerous vulnerabilities in the integrated circuit chips that were the brains of modern equipment."

Answer: "Both intense loyalty to the Feminist Cause and hatred of patriarchal social structures motivated the brave women who planned ways to use technology to overcome traditional male advantages."

Finally the test was over. Patricia turned to Kaylie, "That was painful. I hate being reminded of how lazy and stupid but totally self-centered males have been throughout history and how smart and hardworking the Feminist pioneers were. Being reassigned was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want to get my ...; well we can talk about that later."

"I feel the same way.

The computer security cadre arrived and gave them back their phones and laptops.

"We ran a scan and your devices are totally clean. No spyware or unauthorized software was present. Activity logs and history show no improper activity.

"As you know all computer-based devices in the Feminist Republic have basic security built into both the firmware chips and the operating systems. Your laptops and phones had only the standard-issue technology approved for all high school girls. Since you will be now be learning real computer science we have upgraded the security software on your devices to the higher level that is found on university level and professional devices. I have added several layers of activity monitoring software that prevents both improper activity by the user, that means you, and also defends against cyberattacks from outside sources.

"Some of the most devastating cyber hacks prior to the Times of Trouble were accomplished by socially discontent teen-agers and college dropouts working in their bedroom. You are at the age where computer genius blossoms. You may be tempted to try to find and disable the security software that that has been installed.

"Do you know what will happen if the automated monitoring systems detect that you have tampered with a security program?"

"I expect that I would be severely punished and banned from access to technology for life."

"No. When we find a girl who is smart enough to hack into our highly sophisticated computer security software we first tell her that she was caught, and then we rapidly advance her into higher level training and ultimately give her an internship in one of our national data security labs. The Feminist Republic needs the smartest, most clever cyberwarriors in the world!

"On the other hand, I need to warn you that any indication of illicit communication with the misogynistic enemy or disclosing of crucial classified information WILL be severely punished.

Computer hacking is a time-honored tradition. But the sport has rules: do not implement a system breach that you do not know how to repair when asked; do not cause any permanent damage through either data deletion or disclosure; do not cause critical infrastructure to malfunction; do not cause any harm to citizens of the Feminist Republic. It is perfectly acceptable to temporarily lock up an administrator's terminal with a funny message. It is unacceptable to do anything that would make the Republic vulnerable to misogynist attack. Use good judgment and keep your computer hacking within the bounds of these rules.

"That's all for now. Soon you we will be welcoming you into the sisterhood of software experts. I think they left box lunches for all of us in the cafeteria. Go grab some nourishment. You can eat at your terminals in the computer room. The afternoon session has already started. "

That afternoon Kaylie proudly entered her newly assigned administrator-level username and password that connected her to the school's fully programmable computers for the first time. The other girls had already working on the day's exercise when Kaylie and Pat arrived from their 'Special Boy' security session.' As a result she had to catch up with their head start as she started going through the lesson in basic commands. She noted that Pat was getting a bit of extra attention from the computer security expert, but finally got her administrator login as well.

Kaylie had known for years that the electronic devices accessible to boys had been severely crippled and were basically limited- purpose displays with highly structured menu choices. The devices she had been allowed to access once she had become legally a girl were able to search many topics on the internet and were able to run age-appropriate cloud-based software, which had been an enormous improvement. Prior to the summer science intensive she had been reading introductory books on how computers work, but now she had programmer access. She wanted a chance to experiment with her new powers, but there was so much to learn.

At first the girls followed structured exercises designed to familiarize them with the operating system command line and running simple executable files. Kaylie tried to integrate all this information with the background reading she had done. Looking around the room she saw the everyone was struggling to keep up with the instructor's pace. Finally the day came to an end.

Patricia was waiting for her in the hall outside the computer lab. "That was exciting, wasn't it? The power that computers have, and the limitless ability a programmer has to manipulate them -- amazing!

"What is the schedule for tomorrow?

"I think we are going to learn about designing computer algorithms. That is part of the reason we learned some of those awful confusing theorems in algebra last week."

"What are you doing tonight?"

"I asked the instructor if I could take the workbook home so that I can memorize the various programming commands tonight. We are going to start editing executable files tomorrow and I want to be ready. She gave me permission but warned me not to leave it where a male could steal it or even look at it.

"She reminded me that occasionally computer manuals are smuggled into the Feminist Republic from misogynist countries. Boys caught looking at this sort of material are severely punished. For intact males pornography is OK, but computer science is not."

"Sounds like you will be busy tonight. See you tomorrow. "

The next day started with making various changes in the source code for sample programs and then compiling and running the modified version. By afternoon the lesson had progressed to actually writing simple programs from scratch. Kaylie learned fast and saw the concept: take the instructor's word problem and express it in logical statements and equations, organize the steps, write program commands by recalling patterns from previous software examples, check all the details, compile and then run the debugger, fix the errors, and try again. Kaylie quickly got the hang of it and was soon able to help write line after line of (mostly) error free code. By the next day she was delighted that her attempt at coding the iterative method for finding a square root worked on the second try.

On Thursday the class was presented with the big challenge problem that would be the capstone of the summer intensive. The goal was to program a primitive 'space war' game where a player used to the keyboard to send projectiles through a gravitational field to hit the enemy ship. The instructors had provided a basic template for the students including a compiled subroutine for the target ship's evasive maneuvers. The coding project required applying the physics and math from last week to calculate the projectile's path based on the aiming inputs. It was clear that this project would require a lot of concentration and team work. Kaylie was in a workgroup with Pamela and two girls she had not met before. They had been in the special enrichment classes offered only to girls and all done a little computer programming before. They were supportive of Kaylie and were a big help. By Friday afternoon they had gotten further on the project than most of the other teams.

Patricia found Kaylie and Pam talking outside. "Well, we made some progress. How about you?"

"It was intense, but we are off to a good start. I am going to do some more home study this weekend."

"OK, but we should also relax and enjoy ourselves this weekend. It is going to be hot."

Pamela jumped in. "How about coming over to my place for a backyard party on Saturday? We have a lot of shade and a barbeque. No pool, but we can use the lawn sprinklers to cool off.

Pam noticed that Kaylie was hesitant. "I will invite Hillary and Stacy too. I have not seen them much since school got out. Is that OK with you Pat?"

"Thanks for the invitation, but you four all went to the same Middle School and need to reconnect. I already have an invitation to hang out with some of my friends from my gender transition support group. Maybe next time."

After Patricia had headed off Pam turned to Kaylie. "This is going to be a fun party and four makes it easy to pair off." She gave a knowing smile "I think Stacy is hot. I want to see if she is willing to make out with me. Nothing serious, just a few real kisses. How about you and Hillary?"

"We still seem to be just friends. Like all girls we share hugs and light kisses, but nothing serious. I really don't know how she feels about me."

"Well, you will never find out unless one of you makes the first move."

Backyard party

Kaylie agonized over what to wear. Attending a weekend party at Pamela's house seemed more special than just casual hanging out, but is was clearly nothing formal. This was her first summer as a girl and she did not yet have a lot of hot-weather clothes to choose from either. As she sorted through options she realized that part of her anxiety was a combination of wanting to look attractive, maybe even a bit sexy for her friends, and self-consciousness about her still boyish pre-teen figure.

Finally she settled on a pair of tight-fitting tan shorts with an attached mini-skirt, a sports bra, and shortened floral pattern top with a plunging neckline that also showed a bit of midriff. Kaylie decided to walk rather than ask for a ride so that she could get her thoughts in order. It was not far since both she and Pam lived in the neighborhood of their former middle school.

Kaylie realized she was being a bit daring. Compared to her nervousness on her first solo walk on the nature trail going out in public dressed like this showed progress.

Pamela's back yard was fully fenced and had a lot of trees, tall hedges, and brushy shrubs dividing the space to create quiet nooks for reading or meditation. Her mother had designed it as a peaceful refuge with fountains, benches, sitting logs, and comfortable grassy patches. She clearly had a gardener to help tend the beautiful landscape. When Kaylie arrived Hillary and Stacy were already there preparing lunch on the grill while Pam put out some appetizers and refreshments.

Hillary ran up and threw her arms around Kaylie as soon as she came through the fence gate. "I missed you. Fine Arts intensive was fun, but I missed you."

"Same here. We can catch up after. Here comes Stacy"

Stacy looked sadly at Kaylie. "I am sorry about that outburst at the shopping mall. I was upset, but could have handled my feelings better."

"Forgiven, lets be friends, OK?"

"It looks like lunch is almost ready. Let's eat."

The four girls loaded their plates and sat down at the picnic table. Hillary and Kaylie on one side and Pam and Stacy sitting really close together on the other. The sound of munching on food mixed with the usual girl chatting and gossip.

"Kaylie, you are not eating much."

"Well, I am trying to watch my weight. I do not want to bulk up any more than I already did last year."

"But you want to develop a figure don't you? The really skinny girls like ballerinas and gymnasts don't grow big breasts."

Kaylie was again reminded that her friends had already started to 'show' and her medical hormone dose had not yet had much effect.

After lunch Pam and Stacy headed off to a bench hidden behind a hedge. Knowing what Pam had in mind Kaylie indicated to Hillary that they should find some place else to chat. The found a comfortable grass covered mound with a view of the flower beds and sat down on the ground.

Kaylie listened as Hillary described the dance, music, and drama experiences that the fine arts intensive offered. It sounded like a lot of fun but also emotionally and physically demanding. In turn Kaylie excitedly described her first experiences with computer programming for a video game. After while they heard giggling on the other side of the hedge.

Hillary grinned. "It sounds like someone is having fun over there."

"I agree. Let's not disturb them."

"I think Pam and Stacy make a nice couple."

Kaylie though about what to say. "I thought you liked Stacy. The two of you spent a lot of time together last year. Both at school and outside."

Hillary looked into Kaylie's eyes. "But we spent a lot of time together too."

"Was it just because your mother wanted you to help me prepare for the assessment so that I could get reassigned."

"Come on, I was nice to you starting way back in Elementary School."

"Hillary, it really hurt when the teachers and counselors started keeping boys and girls apart as we got older."

"You always seemed different from other boys: smarter, more sensitive and empathetic, more gentle, not at all aggressive. And cute too."

"Thanks, do you really like me?"

Kaylie noticed Hillary's hesitation. "What do you mean?"

Now Kaylie choked up. "I ... I mean like me as more than just a friend from school?"

"You mean like Pam and Stacy are liking each other over there?"

Kaylie was aware of Hillary's body language and verbal implications. They were already sitting really close so that they could sense the warmth of each other's bodies. Kaylie started to gradually put her hands on Hillary's backside when they were interrupted by a shout.

"Hello, girls! I am having the houseboy bring out some treats," Pamela's mother called from inside. There was a pause. "He will give you a moment to make sure you girls are decent before he comes into the yard."

Kaylie pulled back from Hillary and stood up. Then she heard the sounds of Pam and Stacy working their way out from behind the hedge. She could not help but notice that Stacy was straightening out her tank top and adjusting her shorts as she walked out onto the lawn..

The houseboy was a thinly built male who appeared to be in his twenties. He was immaculately groomed and wearing a tight-fitting summer outfit that showed his both masculine muscles and an ample amount of exposed skin. He meekly walked to the umbrella table and set down a tray of juice and cookies then left without making eye contact or saying a word.

"Who was that?," Kaylie asked.

"That is one of my mother's domestics. She keeps him around as a harmless companion who is also extremely good at housework," Pam replied smugly.

"I have never seen anyone like that. Where did he come from? Are males like that common?"

"Male domestics are very common in wealthy neighborhoods, but my mother is the only one around here who has one full-time. Becoming a household domestic is a life path available to males who have been socially feminized by their mothers but who are not intellectually qualified to be classified as Special Boys."

"Well, I just learned something," Stacy remarked.

The backyard party wound down with a lot of knowing looks and unspoken thoughts. Pam's mother brought out a final round of treats and gave each of the girls a take-home plate of leftover goodies.

Kaylie had a hard time getting started on her independent study work that evening. Something significant had happened and thoughts of those few moments with Hillary. Romantic thoughts kept intruding on the math and computer science concepts. By Monday morning she was again focused and rushed to the Marie Curie Science High School campus to launch into the next week of her summer science intensive.

Secret Software

"Hi, Pam. Have a good weekend?"

"It was OK. I spent some time with other former boys who are in my support group. Even though we are all officially girls now there are still issues unique to being identified as a Special Boy that each of us sometimes needs to deal with. "

"So, what do you talk about?"

"Mostly about teen relationships. Getting in touch with our emotions, romance, the lingering effects of testosterone on the brain, gender identity versus sexual orientation. The differences in the medical feminization procedures that each of us have had affects what we can and cannot do; you know, things like how to make our partners comfortable with the facts of our bodies. And of course, we always have to address how we can avoid any words or actions that might lead to accusations of political unreliability.

"You might think about joining us sometime. It would be good for you. One of your issues is clearly all the extra years you had to spend as a boy, but I am sure you have other issues too."

Kaylie recalled her experience with Hillary. "I sort of understand."

"Maybe sort of, but there is still a lot you have to learn. The experience of every Special Boy is different. Some are delighted by femininity from the start, and others fight and resist for a long time after being told that they are going to be made into girls. A few fight and resist so much that they are kicked out of the program and get an early trip to the male work camps.

"Not only did you start late, you were put on a fast track once you were approved for reassignment. I heard that you had your first bottom surgery the same week as your assessment. Is that true?"

"Yes, as soon as the Chief Psychologist signed off Dr. Taylor asked if I wanted to be castrated. Of course I said yes, and my mother had already signed the overall consent form. I think she was shocked by how much of a rush I was in."

"Lucky you. I still have my balls and little tool. They are hidden away by a reshaped scrotum so that I do not shock the other girls in the changing room, but those parts are still there. It means I have to take male suppressors, and the effects of the estrogen I take are reduced."

"Why haven't you had your surgery?"

"Well, I was identified as a Special Boy with highly desirable genetics. Some years ago the experts in population biology realized that by castrating and feminizing the really smart males the pool of sperm donors would get less intelligent with each generation. So they developed this program where a few Special Boys were kept intact until they reach reproductive age.

"In a few years I will be forced to go through a temporary hormone treatment so that my testicles start to produce viable sperm. A few 'donations' will be collected and frozen for use by the fertility clinics. After all that mess is over I will finally be able to get my balls chopped off. Or so they promise me."

"You don't seem to happy about all this."

"Right. I am supposed to be fully socialized as a girl, but I still have to carry these damn boy parts around for at least five more years. These ideas about using Special Boys to enrich the stud pool came from Europe. You know, there is another feminist country in what used to be England. Our leaders get a lot of ideas from there.

"Well, the morning session is about to start. We have a lot of work ahead of us. Let's get inside. We can talk more about this later."

The new week of the science intensive started with a lecture by a visiting political cadre who again emphasized the incredible power of cyberwarfare and its importance in the defense of the Feminist Republic.

"You girls are extremely privileged to be allowed access to powerful software at your age. This has been allowed because you all have shown outstanding aptitude and we know that developing intellectual skills at an early age increases the likelihood of achieving exceptional career success. With opportunity comes responsibility. You must be totally committed to the Feminist ideals and show complete political reliability.

"I want to mention that there are a some girls attending this intensive who had the misfortune to be assigned male at birth. However they have since been identified as Special Boys and offered the gift of feminization. They are now legally, socially, and medically regarded as females.

"If they had not agreed to be feminized their innate mental skills would have been severely suppressed. One absolute rule in our Republic is that males are never, never allowed to learn the science and math that underlies computer technology."

As the lecture continued Kaylie felt that more and more was being addressed specifically to her and Pam. There was a lot of lecturing on the differences between acceptable computer hacking and actions that could have serious security implications. It was clear to Kaylie that her career survival depended on being more clever and more intelligent than the female-born girls without ever getting to close to the line defining criminal misconduct. Finally the political security lecture was winding up.

When Kaylie arrived at the computer lab she found out that two of the girls on her team had dropped out of the summer program. This left only her and Pam competing against teams of four. To rebalance the teams the instructor had Patricia Ruhr switch to make a trio, which delighted Kaylie. With the change in membership they decided to rename their team as PP&K.

As the day's work went on the combination of Pat, Pam, and Kaylie became conspiratorial. As usual, the two Special Boys felt they needed to prove themselves, and Pam was happy to help.

"The problem with this game is that by the time the shooter mentally figures out where to aim the target as already changed its path," Pam observed.

"It is called a trajectory in space physics," Pat replied.

Kaylie had been thinking about exactly this problem and had done some hand calculations at home. "I have an idea. Why don't we cerate a subroutine that uses the target position history data and calculates the aiming parameters for us?"

"You are using a lot of big words. Besides, that would just get us disqualified as cheaters."

"I read the project rules twice through. There is absolutely nothing that prohibits this approach. Pam, read the rules and see if you agree."

"So what do you propose?"

"I played with the math and physics and discovered that if our subroutine collects the time and position of the target for the most recent five locus points it is possible to calculate the velocity, acceleration, and curvature of the path. This equation then can predict the point where the projectile will intersect the target. It will be so much faster than mentally figuring out the trajectory and manually aiming that any second-order effects like change in the target acceleration and increase in its curvature will be insignificant. Here let me show you my calculations."

"More big words, but I will at least take a look."

The girls eventually agreed that Kaylie's idea would work and there was nothing in the rules to prohibit it. Kaylie immediately started writing her clandestine subroutine while Pam and Pat continued to refine their main program. They spoke quietly when they exchanged ideas, and avoided giving any hints to the instructors about what they were really doing. Methodically they began to put it all the subroutines back together.

"I edited the source code so that it is really hard to see what the automatic fire control subroutine does. I left out any programmer comment lines and used non-descriptive variable names. Let's give it a try."

"Remember to be typing on the keyboard as the game runs. Otherwise the instructors might wonder how our aiming is being done."

"Maybe we need to modify it so that some shots slightly miss the target. If we have 100% success it will immediately look suspicious. Even a 50% success rate will be a total winner. I have been looking at some of the other teams screens. They are satisfied to have the game run at all and almost never hit the target."

"Make the success or failure for each shot depend on a random number generator. That is easy to code."

By Thursday afternoon Patricia, Pamela, and Kaylie were satisfied with their testing and debugging, the three girls decided that they were ready for the big shoot-out competition tomorrow. Looking around the room they saw other teams frustrated by software bugs and scrambling to get something working. They noticed that Nancy Black and her team were relaxed and their software working. They were playing for high score in three minutes against each other.

"Hey, you guys want to try our version? Pat and Kaylie should be good at video games."

"Kaylie cringed. She noticed the use of gender-neutral 'guys' instead of 'girls' and did not miss the implication that as Special Boys they might retain the male propensity for video games.

"OK, I expect yours is standard -- arrow keys to aim and space bar to shoot?"

Pat tried first and struggled to be fast enough on the keyboard. She managed only one hit before giving up. Kaylie did no better.

Nancy watched with a detached expression. "I would have expected you two would do better given your background. Maybe Pamela is better with hand-eye coordination and visualizing where the target is on the screen. This competition is about more than software."

That night Kaylie did her usual mix of self-improvement reading and study related to the science intensive. Clearly Nancy did not fully accept Patricia and Kaylie as girls. Maybe the fact that neither had started developing yet made them look more vulnerable. She recalled Patricia's remark the other day about eliminating the smartest males from the gene pool by castrating them. Something bothered her and she wondered about how Pat was affected. She wanted to talk about this more when she and Pat had time. Self consciously she washed, changed, and went to bed.

Friday morning began with another 'political lecture' from a visiting cadre. The science intensive had consistently emphasized the importance of technology to the creation and survival of the Feminist Republic. It was a complex story and slowly Kaylie was putting all the pieces together.

"You girls have spent the last three weeks building up to this final demonstration of your ability to design a video space-war game where you will attempt to destroy targets that are being created and controlled by the black-box software routine that your instructors have provided. You might ask why this was the unifying theme of this science intensive. Playing violent video games is certainly not a feminine activity!

"In fact, playing video games was part of the downfall of the misogynist males who dominated society during the Era of Oppression leading to the Time of Trouble. Instead of improving themselves physically and mentally they sat in comfortable chairs mesmerized by the sounds and graphics as they exercised little more than their fingers.

"Back then most male-dominated jobs involved relatively mindless entry of routine data and commands into complex programs and automated machines they did not create and, more importantly, did not understand. When the conflict started these males became helpless when the Feminist forces disrupted their software.

"Your space-war exercise has been intended to show you the important difference between working at the level of creating computer code and passively interacting with devices through a fancy, but opaque interface. The real power belongs to those who understand the fundamental principles and application details behind modern software-based technology.

"However, we also wanted to instill a sense of competition and a drive to win in battle. Within each team you were collaborators and supported each other as females instinctively do."

Kaylie noticed that Nancy was staring at her. The lecture was coming to an end.

"Between teams you are competitors fighting for dominance.

"History is full of women warriors. Spies, undercover agents, saboteurs, guerrilla fighters, code breakers, rocket designers. Women's brains and cleverness won many wars while males claimed the credit for their strength.

"Now is your chance to show your female intelligence and desire to succeed. Head to the computer room. May the best girls win!

Now, lets have a cheer. Follow me."

The room burst into high-pitch shouting. "Females fight! We are bright! We have the might! Leave men to their plight!"

As they headed to the computer room Patricia remarked, "Sometimes these Feminist chants are a bit too much."

Soon all the girls were bubbling with excitement as they booted up their computers and each team loaded the product of their previous two week's work. Pat, Pam, and Kaylie sat confidently waiting for the competition to begin, totally confident in the power of their secret weapon.

As she launched the program Pamela whispered to Kaylie, "I hope your secret software does not work so well that it gets into trouble."

The first round consisted of the instructors setting the target navigation subroutine to a low level of evasion. As each team launched their program it was clear that most had written barely functioning software. One team could not get their program to boot up, and only three teams even managed any successful shots at the slow-moving target.

The lead instructor was very supportive. "Nice try everyone. You all made a great effort this past week. The collaboration with your team mates and learning how to work together on the challenges of programming was the most important part of this exercise. Programming is difficult and that is why women began to dominate the field way back during the Era of Oppression. As to the competition aspect, women have always succeeded through collaboration and mutual support in working against the enemies of our Feminist values. Remember these lessons as you continue your education.

"Now let's make the target a bit harder to hit and see what our three remaining teams can do."

The other teams had switched their displays to monitor mode to watch the remaining competitors. After a few more minutes one team dropped out they realized that the target was moving in apparently random zig-zags and had become much too hard to hit.

It quickly became obvious that Nancy and her team of four were falling further and further behind the score of the PP&K trio. The rest of the class watched in amazement as about half of the PP&K team's projectiles hit the target. Pamela, Patricia, and Kaylie all sat at their computers and appeared to be passing the aiming control back and forth between them. Nancy B. seemed to be getting more and more irritated, but her team soldiered on. The instructors watched, made complements, and encouraged both remaining teams to continue the game.

Eventually the instructors asked Pamela and Kaylie to stop and left Patricia punching away at the keys. Then the instructor asked Pat to stop using the keyboard and the PP&K team digital projectiles continued to hit the target. The assistant instructors and the computer security cadre gave each other knowing looks.

"Kaylie, we've been caught," Pamela said in an angry murmur.

"I know"

Kaylie's computer hack is discovered and we learn the consequences. After the science intensive Kaylie is ready to join Hillary at Girl Scout camp.

<--BREAK-->

Pamela, Patricia, and Kaylie stood nervously as their automatic fire-control software continued to aim and hit the elusive digital target. Finally the computer security cadre told them they could shut down their program.

At that point the lead instructor declared that the competition was over and the PP&K trio was the clear winner. A wave of chatter started through the room. Suddenly Nancy B. stormed toward the instructors at the front of the room.

"They cheated, just like I warned you. It is because who those two are. I ..."

The lead instructor remained calm. "Ms. Nancy Black, please sit down. We will discuss what happened as a class. However, the PP&K team got highest space war targeting score and won the 'shoot-out' competition. They have earned the outstanding programming award for this science intensive session. Now, everyone let us give these three girls a round of applause."

After a few moments the shouts and clapping quieted down.

"Now I will present awards to the runner-up team and also awards for 'best collaboration,' 'most creative design,' 'most helpful to others,' 'most rapid improvement,' and 'best documented code.' Certificates of accomplishment will be given to everyone who participated because you all made a great effort the past few days."

"It looks like nearly every team gets some award," Kaylie whispered to her team.

"That is how women are. We encourage and support each other," replied Pat.

The presentations were accompanied by more clapping, high-fives, and supportive comments. After a while the instructor got more serious and called on the PP&K team.

"So, maybe you three can tell us honestly how you were able to hit the target so successfully. Especially explain what was going on after you stopped using the keyboard. No evasion, no denial, just the truth."

The three looked at each other. Kaylie realized that as the instigator she needed to confess.

"We put a secret subroutine into our game software that calculated the target trajectory and automatically controlled the aiming and firing timing for us. We followed the rules and did nothing to tamper with the target's evasion subroutine. We did the aiming calculations based on the time and location of the five most recent digital steps of the target."

She looked around the room. There was a mix of wonderment from some, hostility from others, and an amazingly calm look from the instructors.

"I believe we played by the rules as they were written. I do not think we did anything wrong."

"And why did none of us notice this subroutine when we looked at your source code?" the assistant instructor asked.

"I suggested to the team that we keep it hidden. There were no comment lines indicating its purpose and the variable names were deliberately uninformative."

"Cheaters!," Nancy B screamed which encouraged a few others to join in.

The lead instructor managed to get the room settled down again, and then began to speak.

"These three girls did something that is in the best tradition of the Feminist Republic. They studied the rules of combat and then used the rules, including the omissions and loopholes, to their advantage. This is exactly how the Feminist resistance developed cyberweapons over the many years during the Era of Oppression and kept them hidden until the conflicts started during the Time of Trouble.

"A hero of classic antiquity, Alexander the Great, was told by an oracle that whoever loosened the Gordian Knot would rule the world. Many had tried unsuccessfully to untie the knot. Alexander approached the knot, drew his sword, and cut through it. He went on to create an empire stretching from Europe to India.

"By designing an automatic fire control system these girls showed the same determination, imagination, and cleverness that Alexander did. They all deserve extraordinary recognition."

Then the computer security cadre got up and went to the front of the room. There was a serious look to her demeanor.

Cadre's telling of Cyberwarfare History

"What the team of Patricia Ruhr, Pamela Leland, and Kaylie Clark did was a perfect example of what has protected Feminism ever since the beginning of Feminist resistance to the patriarchy during the Era of Oppression. Most video game players, especially adolescent boys and unemployed men, treat the contest as a hand-eye coordination challenge. They become ecstatic about the simulated violence that is vividly portrayed in professionally developed games. To them winning consists of punching the aiming keys and hitting the firing key at the right time to obliterate the target, nothing more. Our winning trio used brains to triumph over a well-engineered opponent by applying computer technology to their advantage. In an very short time they have learned a great deal about computer programming; the feminine traits of intense study and attention to details is what enabled females to dominate computer science. Our winning team skillfully wrote a hidden piece of code that gave them secret power to overcome the elusive target that the your instructors provided. Hidden code is how Feminists prepared during the Era of Oppression and what enabled them to triumph during the Times of Trouble.

"The PP&K team deserve special recognition for their skill and cleverness with software. Let me give you one example of how hidden code was crucial during the Times of Trouble. How many of you know about the Battle of Portland? No one? Then listen because this is important history. As you have been told many times during the Era of Oppression the female programmers and engineers spent decades embedding secret code in both software and firmware. Virtually every computer chip, operating system, and software app produced during the Era of Oppression contained these hidden latent weapons.

"Male managers in the defense industry were oblivious to the threat caused by using off-the-shelf microprocessor chips in what was supposed to be highly secure military hardware. When the Battle of Portland began the misogynist National Guard troops from the tradition-bound states assembled outside the city and their commander issued a ultimatum to surrender or be attacked. The men had a formidable array of troop transports, armored combat vehicles, and attack drones. But the Feminist defenders were ready. Their cyberwarfare experts were at their consoles as their high-speed computers monitored every digital signal between the enemy troops and their high-tech equipment that used wireless communication links.

"The Feminist commander responded to the ultimatum with a sarcastic reply "Guard your nuts!" which had major implications for the male enemy. The battle began. First all the GPS-based navigation signals were scrambled. Next, software commands were sent to the ground vehicles that disabled the engines. Moments later the Feminists seized control of the drones causing them to take off, hover above the enemy forces, and discharge warning volleys of bullets. Now a return ultimatum was issued: "Retreat from your vehicles or we will begin using lethal force." Most of the misogynists began running from their vehicles as the drones began attacking. Soon the men realized they were helpless and all surrendered. This was a decisive battle because it revealed a fatal vulnerability that applied to all the misogynist military and police. In the days that followed other attempts by the patriarchal government to suppress the Feminists met a similar fate. After a series of increasingly humiliating defeats the balance of the conflict shifted and there were no more attempts to invade the declared Feminist enclaves. During the peace negotiations the Feminist continued to launch highly effective cyberattacks on crucial infrastructure in the patriarchal territories. The men knew where these attacks were coming from, but had no understanding of the nature of their software vulnerabilities. Of course, these vulnerabilities had been planted over decades and could not be corrected quickly even if the men had the technological know-how. This story illustrates why the Feminist Republic nurtures science and math talent, but only in individuals who fully accept the social and political vision of Feminism.

"What the PP&K team did is also an example of why the Feminist Republic is so concerned about preventing males from having access to the math, science, and computer skills that underlie modern technology. These skills are too powerful to place in the hands of anyone who is not totally reliable and fully committed to the ideals of fairness and justice that motivate us as Feminists. In our society women rule and control government, science, the arts, and the raising of children. Males are restricted, but are given a choice of pleasant lifestyles where they exchange socially useful work for abundant entertainment and pleasures. Our society has developed measures that control the aggression and uncontrolled emotions that are unfortunately associated with excessive levels of testosterone.

"Let me explicitly address an issue. Some girls in this room are upset because two of the winners started out as Special Boys. Our education system looks for exceptional talent in those persons who had the misfortune to be assigned male at birth. Intelligence is not a sex-linked trait and gender is only a social construction. Boys with exceptional talent are given the opportunity to be feminized, and then be officially reassigned to the female gender. Patricia and Kaylie are now legally girls and are to be treated as such. They are showing exactly the skills we are trying to nurture."

The security cadre sat down and the lead instructor prepared to end the session.

"You all have done extremely well during this science intensive. The experiences you have had here will prove valuable in providing context for your work in high school as you prepare yourselves as technological defenders of our Feminist society. Enjoy the rest of your summer."

Pamela indicated that she wanted to talk as Kaylie and Patricia gathered their things and got ready to head home.

"Well, everything turned out all right. I am sorry I doubted you two."

"Well, we took a risk and it paid off. I am ready to relax for a few weeks at scout camp. How about you Pat?"

"My mother is taking me on a trip to visit museums and historic sites. I signed up for a club that studies the occurrence of Fibonacci numbers in natural systems - we meet online. Other than that a lot of reading.

" You two have a good time at scout camp. I'll see you back here at Marie Curie High School in the Fall."

"Patricia, you are a model super student. I admire you. But I am really looking forward to camp. My friend Hillary Lee and I are going to be in the same cabin along with Pamela and her friend Stacy. I need to get away from math and science for a while."

"See you later. Bye."

Getting Ready for camp.

Ann was busy helping Kaylie get packed for her first time at summer scout camp. Several shopping trips were required since she still had not acquired a full range of girl clothes. Ann bought Kaylie her first complete Girl Scout uniform with the white blouse and green sash and then got both the dark pants and the tan skort options for the bottom portion of the uniform. They also stocked up on rugged, outdoorsy outfits and on sports bras for activities. More interesting for both was the first experience shopping for girl's swimwear. At Mother's insistence they settled for a modest one-piece suit that was not very flattering, but was a good fit on her still developing figure (or lack thereof).

Mother also suggested getting a white, frilly, very well-padded bra. "This bra will look good under your scout uniform blouse," she said with a proud smile.

Kaylie was a bit nervous about the upcoming experience. She would be doing new things and learning new skills in a more structured environment than she had ever experienced during previous summers as a boy. She knew she would also be navigating friendships and relationships, especially with her friends Hillary, Stacy, and Pamela.

Departure day arrived. Kaylie and Ann had a tearful good-by while other girls from the neighborhood were also showing up at the pickup point for the camp bus. Luggage was hauled from the cars and shoved into the baggage compartment underneath and the first girls to arrive rushed aboard to grab the best seats.

Kaylie and Hillary sat near the middle of the bus, and Stacy and Pamela claimed the pair of seats across the aisle. The ride was just over an hour, but seemed much shorter, because an older girl with a cheerleader personality picked up a microphone and began talking in the front of the bus. She introduced herself as Pauline, said she had been working at the Girl Scout camp for three seasons now, then began telling stories and leading songs. As the bus approached the camp Pauline gave instructions about unloading, finding your assigned cabin, and getting ready for the orientation talk by the camp director.

As they had requested Kaylie, Hillary, Stacy, and Pamela were in the same cabin. It was a rustic structure with two bunk beds, a table with chairs, and a spartan bathroom at the far end of the common room. There was immediately a bit of negotiation about who would get the top bunks.

"Neat place," Kaylie exclaimed.

"I don't know. At home I have a bigger bedroom all to myself," whined Pamela.

"Get over it. This is scout camp, not a luxury hotel."

"Yes, but remember that four girls are all going to have to share a single bathroom when we get going every morning. Last year, there was one girl in my cabin who hogged the mirror putting on her glamour makeup."

"Do most girls wear makeup when at camp?" Kaylie meekly asked. "I'm new at being at a girls' camp and didn't know I should bring my cosmetics."

"A few Queen Bees and Fashionistas paint their faces every day, but most of us don't bother except for the formal occasions like the Awards Ceremony and the closing Mother-Daughter banquet. Don't worry, we can all loan you what you didn't bring to look glamorous for those few times."

"Regarding the bathroom. Everyone just needs to respect each other's space and share."

"Let's get going. The orientation session is in a few minutes."

The girls hurried to the camp amphitheater and found places on the semicircle of log benches. The amphitheater was built in a natural hollow so the rows of benches climbed the gentle hillside giving everyone an excellent view. Many of the girls were excited to be greeting friends from previous summers and the high-pitched noise was deafening.

The camp director, Ms. George, was an intimidating woman with a loud voice and a muscular build. There was a rumor that she had received awards for heroism in actual physical combat during the time she spent in the Feminist Republic Self-Defense Forces. Fortunately, Kaylie had heard that the director was good at delegating and most of the girl's interaction would be with the huge team of camp counselors. The counselors were older high-school and college-age girls who had excelled in camp in previous years. The few that Kaylie had met so far were all very friendly, knowledgeable, and supportive.

Suddenly Ms. George's voice boomed from the loudspeakers mounted on the light poles. "Welcome to Camp Winnemucca girls! Everybody shout 'Hello' to all your new and old friends."

The screaming finally died down and Ms. George continued. "Camp Winnemucca was named for the Native American woman Sarah Winnemucca a Piute who lived in way back in the 1800s and had extraordinary knowledge of the wilderness. She was also a woman who fought for human rights. She had excellent language skills and traveled extensively to speak and write on behalf of Native American tribes, forcing members of the dominant white patriarchy to acknowledge the mistreatment of her people. Here at camp you will learn about Sarah and about many other outstanding women like her who can become your role models.

"You will have fun, but will also learn important skills. Your experiences will combine exercises based on military reconnaissance and primitive wilderness survival. You will learn to find routes, send messages, gather and cook foods, and build shelters. You will also have a chance to develop your personal values and learn to be of service to others."

The orientation lecture continued for a long time. Daily schedule, location of camp resources, safety rules, options for various projects and much more was covered. Again and again Ms. George came back to the importance of activities to build the character and skills that Feminist women need in a hostile world. Pamela was listening intently, Stacy was looking around, and Kaylie was wishing she could ask Hillary about what camp was like last year. Finally the session began to end.

"Enjoy your time here at Camp Winnemucca. Remember that each group of two or three cabins will be organized as a small-group patrol lead by a counselor. Head back and plan to meet your patrol leader outside your cabin in half an hour. Now let's have a camp cheer! Follow after me:"

"We are the Winnemuccas,
And we can't be beat
Because we got the outdoor skills,
to knock boys off their feet!"

Kaylie joined in with the chorus of high-pitched voices. The sounds of excited girls reminded her how lucky she was that her voice had not deepened before she started on hormones. As the chanting came to an end she continued to think about her own situation. Being a girl definitely was much better than the alternative, but she felt sorry for the boys she had known in middle school. There was so much that they were going to miss out on. On the other hand, a lot of the boys had chosen to drop out in fifth or sixth grade so they would be done with the structured school environment and could join the older boys and men at the work camps. A lifestyle centered on mindless work and relaxation based on alcohol, drugs, electronic entertainment, and pornography sounded totally disgusting to Kaylie, but a lot of the boys she grew up with seemed excited by the idea. Kaylie's thoughts were brought back to the present by the closing announcement.

"OK girls, time for our afternoon activity. Go back to your cabins where you will meet your patrol counselor. Today she will teach you how to secretly signal your companions."

Kaylie and Hillary walked together to the meeting point with Pamela and Stacy following behind. Four other girls from an adjacent cabin were apparently also in the patrol. Paula Steiner, their patrol counselor, greeted everyone with bubbling enthusiasm. Paula was few years older than the four campers, and was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt that accented her figure.

"Let's go sit under that tree over there and get started. We will create a pretend situation based on real events. I will teach you an important communication skill that may prove useful sometime.

"Suppose you want to let your friends know where you are without alerting a hostile enemy, what could you do? And no, the answer is not to call them on the phone. For this exercise assume that there is no electronic communication. And you cannot shout because that would let the enemy know where you are."

After a moment of silence Pamela spoke up. "I remember last year we learned to make bird song sounds that appear natural."

"Wonderful! That is exactly what we are going to do again. Each of you will pick a bird and learn to whistle that bird's song. Once you have mastered your own call we will have a game where you learn to recognize and remember each other's bird call.

"Why do we have to learn this? It does not sound like anything that would ever happen," complained one of the girls from the other cabin.

Paula was patient. "During the Times of Trouble the Feminists were able to succeed because they had ways to communicate that were not dependent on modern electronic devices. In many battles the Feminists used their cyberweapons to totally shut down electronic communication in the area. The misogynist male forces were rendered helpless because they had become totally dependent on electronic messaging and had no way to communicate beyond the sound of their desperate voices.

"A big part of Girl Scout camp is to teach each new generation of girls the primitive skills that allow us to survive and overcome in an era of ongoing electronic warfare. You will learn to prepare food without electricity by cooking on a campfire. You will learn to send text messages with a flashlight using Morse code and also by using what are called semaphore flags. You will learn to navigate in the woods without a GPS-based device. Girl Scouts earn Merit Badges when they master various wilderness skills, self-sufficient living skills, and community service topics. When you have earned sufficient merit badges you move up in rank to become a higher level scout. Here at Camp Winnemucca we will emphasize outdoor reconnaissance and survival skills. Learning these things is fun and will build your self-confidence, especially when you show the mastery to earn a merit badge.

"Now Pamela, what was your bird call last year? Can you do it for us?"

Pamela thought a moment then whistled what sounded like " what cheer, what cheer."

"Great, I immediately recognized that as a cardinal. You must have practiced a lot last year to remember it so well."

The next half hour was a cacophony of hoots, chirps, whistles, and throat sounds an the eight girls in the patrol learned and practiced various bird calls. Eventually each had picked out a favorite as their private signal, and Paula began making sure each could identify everyone else.

"Hillary, you're next"

"Drink-your-tea-ee-ee-ee. Drink-your-tea-ee-ee-ee. That was the Rufous-sided Towhee."

"And Kaylie.?"

"Who’s awake? me too, who’s awake? me too, I'm the Great Horned Owl."

"Finally you Stacy."

"Sweet sweet I’m so sweeeeet. A yellow warbler."

"Great job girls. We will finish the afternoon with an identification game. Everyone will use their scout neck kerchief as a blindfold. When I tap one of you on the shoulder you will give your bird call signal and everyone else will call out who it is."

Finally the afternoon activity was over and the girls headed back to their cabin to get ready for dinner.

"I think that was a dumb thing to spend time on two years in a row," grumbled Pamela.

"I don't agree. It might be useful sometime. Besides it was fun to learn all those bird calls. It is nice to be able to identify the real birds you hear in the woods."

"Kaylie, remember how scared you were in the woods when you took that walk on the nature trail? And how scared you were when my mother stopped the car on Riverside Drive?"

"Yes, Pam. But I am getting more confident now."

"Well, self-confidence is a big part of what camp is about," added Hillary.

"Lets hurry up and head to the dining hall."

After a unremarkable dinner of camp food the girls were directed to the amphitheater where a roaring campfire was already blazing. As twilight approached the counselors began telling stories and leading songs. Finally it was dark and the girls had to stumble their way back to their cabins by starlight and the dim lights on camp buildings.

"Why did they not let us bring flashlights to the amphitheater?"

"The want us to realize how much we can see with our night vision. Do you notice that the moon was low on the horizon and set before the sun did tonight? It will be the new moon in a couple more days."

"I never learned to pay attention to things like that"

"Here's our cabin finally. It's late. Let's get to bed."

The next day began the standard camp routine starting with a hearty, but healthy, breakfast in the dining hall followed by room cleanup and then preparation for a full day of activities. The patrol was becoming a unit and the girls from the other cabin came over to join in the girl gossip, joking, and harmless pranks. Camp activities left little unstructured time, but they all enjoyed what they had.

Paula finally got her patrol organized and started handing out the items they would need for the day. Some of the girls looked bewildered when they were given things like an old-fashioned analog watch, a magnetic compass, paper maps, a real hard-bound book with sky charts, a measuring stick and other antiques. After loading their packs they followed Paula to a small clearing by the lake shore.

"Today we are going to learn navigation techniques using the sun, maps, and dead reckoning. We will also learn to figure out heights and distances using triangulation, you know, basic geometry. Then tonight instead of campfire we will learn to find our direction from the stars."

"What's dead reckoning?" asked Connie. She was the most outgoing and assertive of the girls from the other cabin.

"Dead reckoning is finding your way to a destination by keeping track of your direction and how long you have been traveling. If your destination is a mile north and you are going cross country then by dead reckoning you know to walk as straight north as you can and continue for about half an hour. That will put you very close, and with practice you will walk right to where you wanted to go. If you are in a boat on the lake over there you will go faster than walking in the woods and will be able to get to a point a mile north in twenty minutes of steady paddling.

"The high school girls, the ones one or two years older than you, do an exercise where the counselors set up flags for each patrol on the far shore. During the day the girls have to use triangulation to figure out the direction and distance to their flag. Then at night, in the dark, they need to use dead reckoning to paddle their canoe over to get their flag and then bring it back to the dock. You will do an easier exercise tonight, but still harder than the navigation problem you all did last year."

Except for those of us who did not go to Girl Scout camp last year, thought Kaylie. Her thoughts about the years she had wasted as a boy were interrupted by Connie.

"That seems like another stupid to do. Why learn to do dead reckoning when you can just use the navigation app on your phone?"

"Well, remember that today you were told to leave your phones behind in the cabin. But, in real life you might have lost your phone, or the batteries might have gone dead. But most importantly, modern electronic devices are vulnerable to cyberattack and might not work when you need them. Worse they could have been hacked to mislead you."

"Isn't that what happened to the men during the Times of Trouble?" asked Pamela.

"Exactly, during the battles the misogynist forces were totally helpless once the Feminists released their secret weapons. You will hear this message again and again because it is essential to understanding both history and current policies. The men could not find their way because hidden code that had been planted in commercial GPS navigation microprocessors years earlier that allowed the Feminists to manipulate all the enemy's navigation equipment. At times the Feminists used false navigation signals to lead men into traps where they could be captured.

"During the Era of Oppression boys became more sedentary and spent less time outdoors. They excelled at playing violent video games, but lost the kinds of primitive technology skills you are learning here in camp. The men were helpless once their electronic devices had been hacked.

"Remember our camp cheer - 'we got the outdoor skills / to knock boys off their feet.' Now let's get back to learning basic navigation. We have a lot to do before lunch. This afternoon you will practice these skills then have time for swimming. Remember that after dinner we will learn night navigation by the stars so bedtime will be late."

Paula took out some hard-copy printed information cards and passed them out. "No electronic reading devices today," she said with a grin.

There followed an intense, fact-filled session on the position of the sun, moon, and stars by time of day and season, and exercises in triangulation to measure heights and distances.

Most of the navigation material was very mathematical which enabled Kaylie to keep up with the pace even though she had not been in scout camp the previous years like the other girls. Finally it was time for afternoon swimming and Paula directed the girls to run to their cabins and get changed.

Hillary and Kaylie set a quick pace and lead the patrol back along the lakeshore path and across the open field to their cabins. They quickly grabbed their swim suits and towels and followed Paula to the changing shelter by the beach. There was an outdoor shower to wash off mud and sand, and inside was a single room with benches and clothes hooks on the walls.

Looking around Kaylie realized that she was going to have to change in front of the rest of the patrol. She wished that she had changed at the cabin then put her outer clothes back on. Too, late now. She had been undressed in front of Hillary and Stacy on sleepovers, but the four girls in the other cabin were still basically strangers. And, worse girls from other patrols were also heading into the changing shelter. The camp sessions were grouped by age brackets and this time period was all girls who were also finishing Middle School. Old enough to start showing a lot more figure than me, thought Kaylie. After considering her situation Kaylie decided that she had nothing to hide 'down there.' Following the example of the others she simply faced the wall as she pulled off her shirt, shorts, sports bra, and panties. She quickly pulled on her black one-piece bathing suit and was ready.

With giggles and screams the girls headed into the water as Paula and the other patrol leaders tried to maintain some order. Everyone was directed to swim over to a float anchored a short way out, swim around it, and then head back. As she struggled to follow the others Kaylie was grateful that boys at least got basic survival swimming lessons in physical education class. Most of the girls were much stronger swimmers and several were able to smoothly glide around the circuit twice while Kaylie went around once then dragged herself up on the beach panting.

On the way back to the changing shelter Hillary came up beside Kaylie and gave her a nudge.

"That wet swimsuit is really clings to you doesn't it"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Kaylie, you are starting to show a little bit."

Kaylie looked down at her chest. There really were noticeable bumps above the shelf bra that was built into the swim suit. Finally, she thought. Self-consciously she balanced a towel on her shoulders as she turned to the wall and quickly changed back into her dry clothes.

There was a short break before dinner to be followed by the outdoor star gazing session to learn navigation by the constellations. While waiting for meal time the girls in the patrol sat chatting outside their cabins.

"Today was mostly review for me, how about you?," asked Connie, the extroverted girl in the other cabin.

"Same here."

"Yeah, each year at camp they build on what we did the year before. Where are Pam and Stacy?"

"Here they come. Sit down and join us. "

Stacy sat down and started thumbing through a printed copy of the scout handbook. "I am really enjoying all these outdoor navigation exercises; they are all real confidence builders."

"And part of the fun of being a girl. Boys never get to learn stuff like this," Connie added. "Our culture wants to keep boys totally dependent on technology to find there way to their jobs and back. Navigation technology helps keep men from wandering away from the work camps and causing trouble."

"How so?"

"If a male tries using his limited-purpose phone to navigate somewhere where he is not authorized to be the phone sends a message to the police and they quickly track him down."

"Serves them right. Think of all the misogynist countries in the world where women are confined to the home and cannot travel without a member of the patriarchy."

"I am looking forward to the rest of the week. We will be doing a lot more exciting things than we did last year."

Connie noticed that Kaylie had been sitting quietly and tried to draw her in. "What do you think about all these primitive skills exercises. You have been doing well at them. Did you go to a different camp last summer? I don't remember seeing you back then."

Kaylie hesitated then decided the truth would come out eventually anyway. "I was still a boy last summer. This is all new to me."

The four girls from the other cabin stared with their mouths open. There was an uncomfortable moment before someone spoke.

"You must be joking!"

Kaylie looked down "No, it's true."

Connie stood up. "You mean I was in the changing shed with a BOY this afternoon!"

Hillary came to the defense. "No, Kaylie is officially a girl, 100% girl. She was identified last year as a Special Boy at school and with my mother's encouragement I was her peer supporter during the transition. I know she is mentally and socially a girl now."

Stacy and Pamela joined in. "We were in the same school and saw the change happen. It's for real."

"Kaylie is an awesome girl."

"Yes, and she deserves our support."

Connie turned sharply and started to walk away. "Well, I am glad I do not have to share a cabin with YOU."

Hillary and Pamela put their arms around Kaylie. "Don't worry, she will get over it. We'll talk to her when she calms down."

Stacy was looking off in the distance. "Sometimes I still think that making a boy like Kyle into a girl is weird."

"Stacy, her name is Kaylie and she is our friend."

"I know, sorry."

That evening Kaylie and Hillary walked somewhat behind the rest of the patrol as they all headed toward the dining hall while Pam was talking to two of girls in the second cabin.

"Kaylie, you are unusually quiet tonight."

"Yeah." A long silence followed.

Kaylie's nemesis, Nancy B. had shown up at camp. Apparently she had a conflict or something that prevented her from arriving earlier because her mother had personally delivered Nancy to the camp directors office just before dinner. Fortunately she was assigned to another patrol, and her cabin was on the far side of the residential area. On the way to the amphitheater Kaylie noticed that Nancy B, Connie, and Stacy were walking together. She wondered how Nancy knows Connie and why they had teamed up so fast.

At the campfire after dinner there were songs interspersed with a series of both uplifting and cautionary talks by the counselors and even a brief appearance by Camp Director Ms. George. Everything seemed to be building up to some upcoming secret event. Kaylie was still contemplative as she sat watching the flickering flames.

Hillary leaned over. "I think I know what is happening tomorrow night. The counselors aren't supposed to tell us in advance, but I got one of them to at least give me a hint."

"What do they have planned?"

A sensitive boy is gently asked to crossdress to allow his mom to go on an 'all-girls' minivacation to a National Park. Soon after arriving at the hotel McKenzie is read by a girl who gives him a mixed message. The park is a big place and he hopes he can avoid her for the rest of the trip. Will McKenzie be able to pass as a girl when out hiking?

Part 1 -
I was thinking about my Mom as I dragged myself home from school. I should have been happy - this was the start of a long weekend for my school's Fall Break. Instead I was concerned. For months now Mom had seemed really down, and I wished I could do something, anything, to cheer her up. Aunt Karen and my cousin Kaylie also were concerned about Mom and had been spending a lot of time over at our house. I didn't mind the visits. Kaylie is my age, and we have a lot of interests in common.

I suppose being close friends with a girl cousin is unusual for a boy my age, but Mom thought it was delightful. She often remarked that I seem a bit intimidated by other boys my age because of my short height and slender build. She seemed to be encouraging my hanging out with Kaylie, even when seemed to be doing girlish things. Dad, when he was around, thought otherwise. He was always irritated whenever I failed to measure up to his macho expectations. He especially hated the fact that Kaylie and I took piano lessons together. Fortunately for me, he is in the military and has been deployed most of the time since I started school. My role models while growing up have been Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie.

My heart sank as I came through the back door of our house. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table crying and Aunt Karen was standing with her arm on Mom's shoulder. She indicated I should sit down and be quiet.

"Kaylie will be here soon," my aunt whispered.

I sat at the table dreading whatever news I was about to get. Just then the door opened and my cousin rushed in, looked around, and gave me a hug. I wanted to ask what was going on, but my intuition told me that this would make Mom cry more, so I waited, Finally Mom collected herself and looked up.

"You father, the pompous, self-important, war-hero Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark, called and said he wants a divorce right now. He admitted he has been having an affair throughout his last deployment, and now wants to carry on with his war-bride girlfriend." Mom paused wipe her eyes. "I know I should have seen this coming, but the rejection ...."

We all sat around sharing tears and hugs. Eventually Aunt Karen asked, "Did he say anything about McKenzie?"

Hearing my name made me look up. It was supposedly an old family name from a great-grandfather on my Mother's side, but McKenzie is also becoming more common as a girl's first name. My name was another thing that annoyed my father. Once Mom told me that I was born while he had been on deployment and she never consulted him about names.

Mom looked up. "He wants a new family. I asked if he had considered his son. Is response was 'You can keep that sissy faggot -- he will never be a soldier anyway!' McKenzie, I know this hurts, but the truth is that your father has rejected both of us." We were all crying together again.

Eventually things calmed down and Aunt Karen took charge. "Carol, what you need is to get away from this house. You love the outdoors. How about a girls' outing to Bryce Canyon National Park? It will be fun; sun, beautiful scenery, and you will be away from the reminders of that man who shoved his ego into you life."

"A vacation sounds like what you need, Aunt Carol," Kaylie chimed in.

"Yes, Mom. You need to be cheered up. Do it!" I added. As the encouraging comments continued from my aunt and cousin I realized Aunt Karen had said 'girl's outing.' How was I going to fit in?

Finally Mom smiled for the first time since I had gotten home. "Yes, that sounds like what I need. A relaxing trip, free from men. . Just fun times for us girls. Karen, it will remind me of when we were in Girl Scouts together. Those outings are my fondest memories from growing up."

"Can I go with you?" I finally had the courage to ask.

Mom, Karen, and Kaylie all turned toward me. "Forgive me for not thinking, Of course, I want you with me this weekend, I guess the next best thing to a girl's outing will have to be three girls plus one ..."

"McKenzie, I have a favor to ask you," Aunt Karen cut in. "I proposed a girl's outing, and you mother was enthusiastic. How would you like to do her the biggest favor imaginable?"

"What do you mean?"

"McKenzie, dear, you have always been gentle and sensitive. You really fit in well with girls, and ..."

Kaylie cut in on Aunt Karen, "Yes, McKenzie is always hanging out the me and my girlfriends at school."

"Wait, Kaylie. I need to ask McKenzie something important" She looked at me very seriously. "Could you pretend to be a girl for a couple of days so you mother can go on an all-girls trip? A female adventure is what she needs to recover from a bad relationship with that disgusting man."

I didn't know what to think. I wanted to do whatever I could to cheer mom up, but this sounded absolutely weird. I enjoyed chilling with Kaylie and her friends, but never considered myself to be one of the girls. I would never be able to live down being caught doing this. I saw Kaylie trying to suppress a giggle. "I don't know. Would you like that, Mom?"

Before Mom could answer Aunt Karen cut in. "Please, McKenzie, do it for your Mom. I am sure everything will work out."

"Wow, making McKenzie into a girl for the trip sounds like fun."

"Don't tease, Kaylie. I have asked McKenzie to do something very special for your Aunt Carol."

"It would be nice to revisit our Girl Scout days, and share the experience with our children," Mom said faintly.

"Mom, if it makes you happy I will do whatever you want, and ..."

"Marvelous," Aunt Karen cut in. "Now dear, we will not expect you to go overboard. No flamboyant outfits. This will be an outing to a national park with sightseeing and trail hikes. For times like that girls wear practical clothes, and that is all we will ask of you. But, I will expect you to act like a real girl. That shouldn't be too hard, you have been spending a lot of time with Kaylie and her friends anyway, and I have even noticed you picking up a few mannerisms. We can all coach you along."

At this Kaylie could no longer restrain herself. "I guess your Auntie will not be putting you in pretty petticoats for a while yet, cousin, but maybe someday. Since your father thinks you are a sissy faggot you can return the favor by acting like one for your Mom."

"KAYLIE!" Aunt Karen shouted. "You cousin is doing something wonderful for his mother's sake. The least you can do is be supportive. Now apologize."

"OK, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have teased you, McKenzie. I promise to be supportive and help you learn to be a girl on the trip."

"And where did you get those ideas about petticoats, Kaylie," asked Aunt Karen in a stern voice.

"McKenzie and I were digging though some old books in the library once and we found a Victorian story about a little boy whose aunt made him wear petticoats and play with dolls. We both looked at the story, and ..."

I had to say something fast. I did not want her to say anything about how much I enjoyed the story. That day she had watched me read it twice before putting the book back on the shelf. "Kaylie, I accept your apology, Let's be friends."

She looked up and our eyes met. "Great, I always wanted a girl cousin. It will be fun to do this together."

"Let's all go over to my house tonight. It will get Carol away from the Master Sergeant's junk that is still here, and McKenzie can try on some of Kaylie's clothes. We can finish packing and head off very early tomorrow morning. It's a long drive."

That evening the conversation and assignment of dinner chores made it seem like they were already treating me as a girl. Afterwards I was ushered into Kaylie's room and Aunt Karen pulled open the closet.'

"Fortunately you and Kaylie are close in size so we have a lot to work with. Now, let's see. How about a pair of cute boot-cut jeans? They have a nice design on the back pockets that will make your behind look more feminine." She glanced at me standing uneasily, "Sorry, dear. I don't want to embarrass you. This should be a fun chance to explore a different side of your wonderful personality." Holding up a distinctly girl-style western shirt she continued, "Perfect, nice lines and the color of the plaid almost matches your red face, A cowgirl look will be perfect - lady like, but practical for hiking and not too outlandish for a boy. Try it on. Now let me find something a bit more dressy to wear if we go out to dinner."

Kaylie was sitting on her bed looking amused. Meanwhile, I was slowly relaxing and starting to enjoy learning about options in girls' clothes. "Is this going to really work? What about my hair?"

"Kaylie, find that clip-on pony tail you got for cheerleading. I need to see if the hair color is a good match on McKenzie. If not she can wear a cap to cover between her bangs in front and the sporty ponytail. McKenzie, don't fidget. You need to get used to female pronouns. Kaylie, get your pink princess nightgown for McKenzie. She will need something pretty to sleep in."

Mom wandered in and smiled. "McKenzie, you will make a wonderful girl for the trip. Turn sideways, dear. Karen, don't you think McKenzie will look a bit more convincing with some, you know, shape on top?"

"Well, I was not going to push her, but now that you mentioned it, maybe. Kaylie, do you still have any of your training bras, or did you throw them all out?"

"Anything for my cute girl cousin. I think I still have a few" Kaylie rummaged through her drawers and came back holding something frilly.

"McKenzie, take of that cowgirl shirt and your ugly boy undershirt. Let's see if this one fits. Don't be embarrassed undressing, it's just girls here."

Nervously I did as asked. Having my bra straps being adjusted by my Mom on one side and my Aunt on the other was an experience I never imagined before today.

"Marvelous," exclaimed Kaylie. "I found the matching panties too."

"She can wear those, but I think a girl like McKenzie will also need some extra help 'down there' to make sure that girl-style jeans fit properly. Carol, do you remember the TV show where a crossdresser was explaining how he tucked then wore two pairs of really tight panties? Why don't you show McKenzie ..."

This was going too far. "Remember I watched that show too. I can figure this out." I grabbed the panties and headed for the bathroom. After a bit of struggling I had everything pushed into place and my tightly fitted jeans back on.

I could see all six eyes focused on my vee as I came back. "Perfect! Totally convincing." Everyone seemed satisfied except me. The feeling was not exactly comfortable. "Now we need to show you how to walk and wiggle your pretty rear end," Aunt Karen added.

What followed was a crash course in feminine walking, sitting, and holding my hands. Aunt Karen or Mom would ask Kaylie to do something that I was expected to imitate. I tried to be a good sport about all this and made a real effort to learn.

Finally Aunt Karen called it quits. "McKenzie, just remember what you have been practicing and imitate Kaylie. No one will suspect you are a boy underneath."

Kaylie couldn't resist. "You are really good at this. I guess something rubbed of from all the time you have been spending with my friends at school."

"Tomorrow we can fix her hair a bit and add a touch of makeup. Nothing fancy, just what Kaylie usually wears," Mom added. "Does Kaylie have any magnetic earrings? Some accessories would be a nice touch, but I obviously don't have time to go to the mall and get McKenzie's ears pierced tonight."

"Mom, this girl stuff is just for the weekend!" I protested.

Mom pulled me into a hug. "Dear, I was just joking. I know you are a boy, but you are pretending to be my daughter for a weekend. That shows how empathetic and sensitive you are. Don't worry - no one is going to make you do something you do not want,"

It was getting toward bedtime, and it had been an emotional day. "McKenzie can sleep on the bunk bed in Kaylie's room. I am sure they will behave; after all they are first cousins. Besides, we will all be in one motel room tomorrow night."

Kaylie was carrying on with girlish chatter as we got ready and climbed into our beds. "You know, sleepovers are a big part of growing up as a girl. Enjoy the opportunity. Making you into a girl is going to be lots of fun."

I started at the wall in the dark. What had I gotten myself into and how would this adventure end?
****************

Well before dawn the next morning I got up and started putting on the clothes that Aunt Karen had picked out the night before. Kaylie watched closely and made sure I had everything right. While Mom loaded the car I was given the final touches. Karen and Kaylie took great delight in fitting me with the fake ponytail, combing my hair into bangs, and adjusting my cap with the ponytail extending above the adjusting strap behind. This was not the end. Magnetic earrings went on my unpierced lobes with a warning not to lose them. Next came some pale pink lipstick and a hint of blush. Kaylie pushed me back as I started to get up.

"Your nails look awful for a girl. We can't make them grow, but at least I can file them and put on a coat of polish," She quickly went to work. "I'll be done quick, Mom, McKenzie can learn to hold her hands properly and let her nails dry in the car."

I was still holding my hands in midair as the car headed up the ramp and accelerated onto Interstate 15. It would be several hours before we crossed to Highway 89 and then took Highway 12 to Bryce Canyon. This gave me plenty of time to worry about whether I could really pass as a girl. Meanwhile, Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie chatted about both the scenery and exclusively girl topics like romance novels, chic flicks, and fashions, They kept trying to pull me into the conversation, but a lot of the topics were unfamiliar. Kaylie pulled out a copy of Cosmo Girl and handed it to me. "Here, you can read up on what interests other girls our age."

I actually found some of the articles interesting. Maybe I was more of a girl than I had expected. Anyway, after a couple hours I started regretting having both juice and coffee with breakfast. Not only did I have to go, but I realized that I was going to have to use a public restroom. That was not something I had prepared for. Maybe I could sneak into the men's and use a stall for privacy. A moment's reflection told me that would not work. Even if no one noticed my shirt buttoned right over left and my tight-fitting jeans there was the matter of the ponytail, earrings, and nail polish.

My thoughts were interrupted by Mom's announcement that we would take a rest break at the next exit. To my relief, she pulled into a Maverick store, a popular chain in the area. I knew most of the older style Maverick stores had a single, unisex restroom, which usually meant a line, but would make things much easier for me. Fortunately I was right. As we waited Kaylie whispered in my ear, "Be patient. Waiting in line to pee is part of being a girl. Grin and bear it."

Finally we were all done and had gotten another round of drinks and snacks for the next leg of the trip. I was amazed by the morning sunlight on the cliffs and changing leaves as we headed east on scenic Highway 12 toward Bryce Canyon park. The enjoyment of the scenery was countered by the increasingly urgent need for another rest stop. I asked if we could pull of at a roadside rest area, since most of the forest service areas also had unisex facilities. Unfortunately, the first one we passed was closed for construction, and we missed the turnoff for the Red Canyon Visitor Center. Mom told me to be patient; we would be there soon,

Finally we arrived at Ruby's Inn, the huge hotel and restaurant complex just outside the National Park. Mom stopped in the registration parking at the front entrance. I couldn't wait any longer and jumped out of car. I dashed through the rustic doors and spotted the 'restrooms' sign over the hall straight ahead. I didn't wait for Kaylie who could have offered me some etiquette guidance and moral support. Instead, I ran down the hall, turned left, pushed through the door at the end of the side hall, and rushed into first stall I saw ahead. I pulled down my jeans and panties, sat down, and finally let go.

As I relieved myself I suddenly realized I was in trouble. Looking through the crack around the door I saw that across from the toilet stalls there was a row of urinals. In my rush I had either not read the door signs, or my urgency had distracted me from choosing the one appropriate for my appearance. Fortunately, I seemed to be the only one in the men's room at the moment. Maybe I could sneak out without being seen.

Just then a crowd of high school age boys piled in. At least I was still in the stall where they couldn't see me. Then I realized I was wearing a pair of Kaylie's brightly colored running shoes with pink laces. These would be a giveaway if any looked under the partition. I pushed the cuffs of my jeans down over the shoes the best I could, pulled my feet back under the bowl and waited, nervously.

Finally they left. I pulled up my jeans, and rearranged my cap to sort of cover the clip-on ponytail. I stuck my hands into my pockets to hide my nails, listened again, then dashed out. As I entered the hall I saw the ladies' door on my left. I guess I had missed that turn on my way in. Just then a girl my age came out the women's restroom door and momentarily blocked the hallway ahead of me.

She continued to block the hallway as she checked me out head to toe. There was really nothing I could do. I hoped Mom, Karen, or Kaylie would come around the corner and rescue me.

"Hello, cowgirl. Cute outfit, those fancy jeans really look good on a boy."

"W... What do you mean?"

"Don't try to deny it. I watched you run like a boy when you dashed through the front door. Besides, you just came out of the men's room. So, tell me why are you dressed in girls' style jeans and shirt? Pull your hands out of you pockets, real girls don't stand like that."

I pulled out my hands and saw her smile as she saw my bright red nails. "Please, don't make fun of me. I am only doing this because my Mom needed cheering up and ...."

"Your Mom is cheered up by this?"

"It was my Aunt's idea. She wanted to take my Mom on an all-girl outing, and ..." Her eyes rolled as I nervously related my story.

"OK. No teasing, but it seems weird for your mom to ask for this. And I can't imagine any boy I know going along - you must be special in a way, or maybe the other way." She pulled back and checked me out again. "You have potential, ask your mom to give you some more lessons in being a girl. What's your name, cowgirl?"

"McKenzie"

"My name is StacyLyn. Now that I know your secret you have to be nice to me, or else." With that she turned and headed into the main hall.

I followed a few steps behind StacyLyn, and to my relief I say Aunt Karen and Kaylie heading toward me.

"You mother is finishing up at registration and we need to freshen up. Are you all right? We were concerned when you dashed in alone. You haven't had much experience in public and it would have been safer to have one of us with you. "

I reassured them that everything was OK, but decided not to mention the incident with StacyLyn. This was a big tourist place and I figured that I would not see her again. I decided to wait in the main hall while they went into ladies' room. I had been read once already and did not want to be read again as a nervous boy intruding into space reserved for females. I had survived a potential crisis, but now someone outside the family knew about me. As we walked back down the main hallway toward the entrance I had a chance to look around. The place was a combination of an old-west rustic lodge and a modern tourist hotel. Massive wood beams, high ceilings, hunting trophies mounted on the walls recalled the local ranching and wildland heritage. Overpriced paintings on the walls and the General Store full of souvenirs indicated a more commercial side of this place. I was looking forward to a walk in the park. I needed some space to calm myself back down.

We drove from the hotel to the park visitor center so Mom could pick up a hiking map. While I was admiring the big telescope in the lobby I spotted StacyLyn standing outside the auditorium entrance. Luckily, she did not seem to notice me, and I quickly turned and started toward the information desk where Mom was just finishing up.

"McKenzie, what do you want to do? We can leave for a hike now or watch the park movie in the auditorium first."

Guessing that StacyLyn was in the auditorium my answer was obvious. "Hike now, Mom."

"OK, we will go all the way around the loop on the Fairyland Trail. The Ranger said it is long but really popular."

Fairyland Trail, I thought that was probably an appropriate name given how I was dressed. Just then Kaylie came over and joined us.

"Given your urgent needs when we arrived at Ruby's Inn I think you better let me escort you to the ladies' room before we hike. You know, it is really inconvenient for us girls to go behind a bush."

"Kaylie, stop teasing your cousin," Aunt Karen responded. "But she is right, McKenzie. Go with her. Remember that girls always wash their hands and check their makeup in the mirror. Relax, act natural, imitate Kaylie, and no one will notice anything unusual."

With that we headed around the corner toward the restrooms. I glanced at the skirted figure on the door sign as we went in.This was the 'right' one given my appearance. Inside I saw a crowd of Asian tourists chatting in a language I didn't understand. Good, I thought, at least I won't be able to understand them if these women notice anything and start talking about me.

"Now be sure you sit down in the stall," Kaylie said in a voice loud enough that I hoped none of the Asian women understood English well.

I did my business, washed, then checked myself in the mirror. Kaylie smiled and handed me a tube of what looked like lipstick. Actually it was labeled as 'sunscreen with a hint of color.' Trying my best to act natural I touched up my lips and gave it back. She smiled approvingly.

We headed out of the Visitor Center. My doubts remained as we headed to the shuttle bus staging area. I doubted I could pull this off, but I was not going to hide in the woods while they hiked. As I climbed into the bus I noticed StacyLyn coming out from the visitor center. It must have been a short movie. At least we were not on the same bus. I sat down and flicked my ponytail free so it would have a nice bounce. I had no choice, so I better act the part.

The bus was mostly empty and being away from the crowds helped me start to relax. Part way there I started to worry again as I thought about spending several hours on the trail. I knew we would encounter many other hikers on the trail, and I wondered if they would notice my boyish walk Mom must have guessed what I was thinking.

"Don't worry, you look OK. People will be looking at the scenery, not at you."

Kaylie couldn't resist adding, "Besides I know a lot of tomboys who look and act less like a girl than you do, pretty cousin."

"Kaylie, stop teasing her. Remember, McKenzie, the three of us will be right with you for support."

Mom decided to get off the shuttle at the first overlook for a quick view, and then take the next bus to the Fairyland Trail. The delay at the overlook must have been when StacyLyn and her family got ahead of us.

To be continued.

McKenzie is enjoying the park when he sees StacyLyn with her family on the trail ahead. Will she out him or be nice?

Fairyland Trail - Part 2

Here I was, getting off shuttle bus at the trailhead and dressed in girls' clothes. Everything I had on from the pink baseball cap covering my clip-on ponytail to my brightly colored shoes was functional but distinctly feminine. I had agreed to do this so that my mother, Carol, could have an all-girls minivacation with Aunt Karen and my cousin Kaylie. Mom had been terribly upset by my father's abrupt asking for a divorce, and I certainly was willing to do anything to help cheer her up. Still I was very nervous. Dressing as a girl was totally new to me, but my cousin Kaylie had already been a good coach. She was the same age as me, and most of what I was wearing was borrowed from her.

Bryce Canyon National Park is a spectacular place with pine forests on the plateau rim high above the wild rock formations below. The road and parking lot are on the top so the scenic trails all start with a steep descent into the canyon. We were going to do the Fairyland Loop trail, which we had been told is one of the best in the park. We had been warned that this was a long trail so we were carrying plenty of water.

We walked for an hour or so past fantastic rock formations; fluted cliffs, balanced rocks, compact knobs, and soaring spires and columns. As Mom had assured me, most of the people we met on the trail were busy taking pictures and looking at the scenery. No one seemed to notice the awkward girl with a boyish walk that I likely presented. I gradually became less nervous and started to focus on the magic of the light bouncing off the red, tan, and white rocks. Being outdoors has always been relaxing for me. As we walked the ideas of Fairyland and femininity swirled in my head.

Kaylie was walking beside me when she pointed out a particular rock spire. "That one looks just like a 'male member,' but I guess those things don't interest you."

"Kaylie! I warned you to stop teasing McKenzie. Remember, this is something SHE is doing for HER mother."

I blushed and ignored Kaylie's remark. There was so much to see, and I decided to just have a good time. I figured that if I acted like a tourist I would be less noticeable.

Suddenly I realized I was in trouble. Ahead I saw StacyLyn, the girl who read me at the hotel. I had dashed into the wrong restroom by mistake, and she had confronted me about being dressed like a girl when she saw me exiting the men's room. I had tried to explain my situation, but I wasn't sure she believed me. That time she had been alone, but now she appeared to be with her family. They had stopped to take some pictures and there was no way I could avoid overtaking them without being even more obvious.

StacyLyn spoke first as we approached. "Hello again, McKenzie. Meet my sister Sara and my brother Jacob. Those are my parents sitting on the rock."

Her brother was a bit older than me and was wearing baggy pants low on the waist and a backwards baseball cap. He looked like a skateboarder with an attitude. He started checking me out with an admiring smirk. At the same time her younger sister Sara was also starting at me with a curious expression. I was terrified that StacyLyn would tell them my secret. To my relief I saw Kaylie dashing over to rescue me.

"Kaylie, this is StacyLyn. We met at the hotel. And that is her brother Jacob."

"Hi, Jacob," Kaylie responded seductively. She moved over next to him, brushed back her hair and stared into his eyes. Suddenly his attention switched to Kaylie and I gratefully stepped back while she distracted him with her flirting.

Sara looked at Jacob and Kaylie and warned, "Watch out, Jacob hits on every cute girl he sees." With that she ran off toward her parents.

I figured I best make myself inconspicuous and keep our group moving. More time spend around StacyLyn meant more opportunities for her to out me. Maybe we could hike faster and avoid them the rest of the day. I went over to Mom and Aunt Karen and indicated we needed to get going. Before I could maneuver Mom and Aunt Karen down the trail our path was blocked by an older man. He was wearing a khaki vest and was loaded with camera equipment.

"Hi, I am Jeff King, a travel writer for Western Highways magazine. Do you mind if I ask you charming girls to pose for me. Landscape photos always look much more interesting with people in them."

I hesitated, but again Kaylie took the initiative. "Sounds like fun. Where do you want us?"

"I love posing. Come over here, Sara," added StacyLyn

"Why don't you four girls start by going over in front of those red-colored balanced rock formations? What are your names?"

As he wrote our names in his notebook I looked at Mom. She was clearly amused by all this. "Go ahead McKenzie, Karen and I will watch.

With that the photographer steered us into position along the side of the trail. StacyLyn and Kaylie immediately posed like experienced models. "OK, now look pretty and smile. Sara, pick up your pack and act like you are looking for something. You in the gingham shirt, McKenzie, right?"

Suddenly I realized he was talking to me. I did not want to be the center of attention.

"Put your hand on your hip and pull your shoulders back. Good, now turn a little; tilt your hips a bit. OK, now tilt your head and look right at me. Good."

I gave him my best effort. Pulling my shoulders back made the padded bra much more obvious under my shirt. At first standing like this seemed embarrassing, but after a few pictures it began to feel natural. We moved several times to have different rock formations in the background. I started to imitate whatever Kaylie and StacyLyn were doing in response to his requests. Kaylie seemed to be ready to break out in giggles at my situation. StacyLyn and Sara just went along with the picture taking and seemed to ignore me.

"You're doing great," Kaylie whispered.

Finally the photo session was done. StacyLyn's parents announced that the loop was too long for them and the family should go back the way they came. Mom and Aunt Karen started to continue around the loop. I headed off behind them when I felt StacyLyn grab my arm.

"Wait a minute. I want to talk to you."

I was afraid of what would happen next. This time Kaylie was not with me for support. At least our respective groups were headed in opposite directions and were already out of earshot.

I decided to speak first. "Thanks, StacyLyn."

"Thanks for what?"

"For not telling everyone my secret."

"Why should I? You told me you were doing this for your mom. Not every boy would do something like that." She looked at me closely. "Besides, you really pass."

"You mean that?"

"Do you think that photographer would have had you pose if he thought you were a boy? He didn't ask my brother."

"I guess I didn't think about that. I just did my best to pose for him."

"I noticed. You have potential as a girl. Got to run, bye."

I watched her run back up the trail, then I turned and rushed to catch up with Kaylie, Aunt Karen, and Mom. The rest of the loop trail was just as fantastic as the start. Ponderosa pine trees, incredible rock formations, cliffs above, and forested mesas in the distance. I kept thinking about what had happened. Hiking on the Fairyland trail seemed to make me into some kind of fairy, a boy who could pass as a girl. Where was this all heading? By late in the afternoon I was tired and we still had the uphill hike back to the road and shuttle bus.

We returned to Ruby's Inn and I collapsed on the bed in our motel room. It had been a physically and emotionally hard day. I was in the middle of a dream about fairies and princesses when I felt Mom shaking my shoulder.

"Wake up, dear. You need to take a shower and get dressed for dinner. Kaylie and Karen have already freshened up and are napping until you get ready."

"Do I have to dress up for dinner? I'm tired."

"You did great as a girl on the trail today, and now I want to show off my daughter in the restaurant. We didn't pack all those nice clothes for nothing. Now get cleaned up."

She must have seen the apprehension on my face as she handed me a change of underwear.

"I told you before, don't be embarrassed. We are all girls on this trip. Put your clean panties and bra on in the bathroom and wrap a towel around yourself before you come out. Meanwhile, I will get your evening outfit out of the suitcase."

I took a really quick shower, and got partially dressed as asked. When I came out Kaylie was talking quietly with Mom and Aunt Karen.

"OK, take off the towel and put these on."

Mom handed me a frilly white blouse with ruffles down the front and a pleated skirt. I was totally embarrassed about standing in the motel room wearing a bra and panties in front of my mother, aunt, and cousin, but Mom's look told me I had no choice. Aunt Karen was acting like she was enjoying the show.

"The preppy school-girl look really fits you," Kaylie giggled. "Here, try these on," she added as she handed me a pair of open-toe sandals. "Looks like we have to do your toes to match your pretty finger nails."

"Kaylie, go ahead and help McKenzie with her pedicure. Then Carol and I will help both of you with your makeup. Given your age, we have discouraged you from wearing too much makeup, but tonight is a big occasion. We will give the two of you real big-girl glamour looks."

I didn't like the sound of all this, but cooperated. As they painted my face I got more and more apprehensive. After all I had zilch experience as a girl in eating in a restaurant. The way they were dolling me up knew I would be attracting unwelcome attention from males. I should know; after all I had personal experience checking out attractive girls. Finally everything was ready, and the four of us walked from our room to the main Ruby's Inn building.

The dining room on the north of the main building was imitation old west, just like the lobby area. It was decorated with peeled logs used as posts alongside the dining booths, coat hooks made from horseshoes, vinyl imitation-leather benches, and dark green wall paper like you see in cowboy movie saloon scenes. We decided to eat from the buffet since that seemed faster and easier than ordering off the menu.

As we returned to our table with loaded plates I suddenly noticed StacyLyn a couple of tables over. Not surprising, her family likely was staying here too. I sat down and tried to avoid eye contact with her. She had been nice to me on the trail, but there was still the potential for her to cause me big trouble. I could just see her announcing in a loud voice 'that the girl over there is really a boy' or something like that.

Glancing up from my food I noticed the she was looking right at me. As our eyes met she smiled then started to get up. I ignored her. Maybe she was going back to the buffet for a refill. Then I saw she was heading straight to our table. What next?

"Hi, McKenzie. Could you come with me? I want to talk to you a moment."

This was the second time she used that line today, and I was wondering what she wanted now. I looked around the table for support.

Kaylie tried to rescue me. "I'll go with you."

"No, I want to talk to McKenzie privately. OK?"

I looked around again. Mom and Aunt Carol were nodding approvingly.

"Go ahead, dear. I am sure it's all right."

StacyLyn grabbed my hand as I stood up. "Follow me," she said as she dragged me past the cash register and toward the ladies room.

This didn't look good but I was helpless. Any resistance would call more attention to me, and I didn't want that. StacyLyn pulled me thorough the door then pushed me back against the wall and looked into my eyes.

"Heading to the restroom to talk is a favorite girls' trick when they have something they don't want the boys to overhear. I am treating you like another girl, now cooperate."

I started to relax a little and she sensed my decreasing tension. "What do you want?"

"I watched you today on the trail, and started suspecting something. Seeing you come into the restaurant tonight convinced me."

"What?"

"I don't think you are just dressing up because you mother asked you. It may have started that way, but you are really getting into being a girl. I like that, and wanted to tell you."

"Thanks. Do you really think I pass?"

"Of course you pass. My brother couldn't take his eyes off you until your cousin flirted with him. Didn't you notice?"

"I guess not. I am new at being a girl, you know."

"Let me tell you something else. I think girly boys can be a big turn-on. You are really cute and I like you. Maybe we can see each other again tomorrow."

"I'd like that." Suddenly I wondered why I had agreed. Maybe I was becoming comfortable with my feminine identity. She took out her cell phone and entered our motel room number before we headed back to our tables.

"Did everything go all right," Mom asked as I sat down.

"Yes, she wants to know if our families can do something together tomorrow."

"I bet she has a crush on you," Kaylie teased.

"Doing something together is certainly possible if you are comfortable with it," Mom added.

Aunt Karen looked right at me with a big smile. "So, McKenzie, how do you feel about being a girl? Are you enjoying the experience?"

I saw Kaylie waiting for my answer. I took a moment to think. I recognized that there were a lot of implications to the question. People were really nice to me today, and it was fun posing for the photographer. The Fairyland trail must have had a magic effect on me and my attitude. StacyLyn's compliments helped too.

"Well?" Kaylie's question interrupted my thoughts.

Suddenly I knew the answer. " I like being a girl and am looking forward to staying a girl the rest of the trip. Thanks for giving me this experience." Seeing their approval gave me the incentive to go on. "I am glad I did this for you, Mom."

"Thanks for doing this for me, dear. But, how do you feel about today?"

"I noticed today how everyone smiles at girls and is nice to them. I like that." I suddenly realized I might be showing too much enthusiasm, and paused to collect my thoughts. Looking down at the table I continued, "Would you be willing to let me do this again?"

As I looked up I saw Aunt Karen giving Mom a thumbs up. Kaylie was smiling.

____

Should this story be continued?

Before leaving home McKenzie was told by Aunt Karen that going on a vacation as a girl was just a game to cheer Mom up, but now events seem to be going unpredictable directions. StacyLyn invites McKenzie's family to join them for their last day at Bryce Canyon. A fun mother-daughter day of sightseeing is followed by a picnic. StacyLyn leads McKenzie away from the campfire and reveals a secret.

I was having a hard time getting dressed for breakfast. Fumbling with the fasteners on my training bra while Mom and my cousin Kaylie pretended not to be watching was not my only problem. My mind was in a whirl over the events of the last two days. Aunt Karen had proposed an 'all-girls outing' to Bryce Canyon National Park as a way cheer my Mom up over Father's asking for a divorce. I had been told that my temporary gender readjustment was only a game, but I suspected Aunt Karen had an agenda. I had dashed to the restroom alone when we first arrived at Ruby's Inn and had been read by a girl named StacyLyn. She asked me why I was a boy dressing as a girl, and I tried to convince her that I was doing it for Mom. While hiking the Fairyland Trail later in the day we encountered StacyLyn with her family, and that time she had been really nice to me. The natural fairyland changed my mood, and I went from just pretending to be a girl to really enjoying being a girl. Maybe it was all the posing we girls did for the travel photographer. Last evening StacyLyn saw me at dinner, and we had an private conversation in the ladies' room of the restaurant. Back at my family's table I sort of admitted that I was enjoying these girl experiences, and Aunt Karen gave my reply a thumbs up. Since then it seemed like my life was on a new path, and I was mixed up in something I couldn't control.

Four of us were crowed into a motel room at Ruby's Inn, the famous resort complex just outside the park. With only one bathroom we had to do our essential business fast and get out. This meant finishing getting dressed in front of everyone else, a really awkward situation for me. Here I was, a middle school boy wearing panties and a training bra in front of three females while Mom rummaged through the luggage making suggestions of what I might wear today. Kaylie was obviously amused.

"Too bad McKenzie doesn't have any cleavage yet, otherwise my vee-neck top would look great on him"

"KAYLIE, I told you to stop being such a tease. Let Carol have fun dressing her new daughter."

In the end what Mom selected much the same as yesterday, practical, outdoorsy, but distinctly feminine items borrowed from Kaylie, who was luckily about my size. A clip-on ponytail, magnetic earrings, and a light touch of makeup completed the look. I had been totally nervous yesterday, but this morning I felt much more confident in my presentation. My thoughts wandered back to the pretty dress Mom had me wear to dinner in the restaurant last night. Getting dressed up and going out was... Just then the phone rang bringing me back to the present.

"For you," Kaylie said as she handed me the phone. "I think it's your new friend."

It was StacyLyn. She asked if we could join her family for a drive to some of the viewpoints in the south end of the park during the afternoon and then a picnic in the evening. I passed along the message, and Mom agreed that sounded like fun. The forecast was for much hotter than yesterday. With this plan we could go on a shorter hike in the morning then not exert ourselves during the warmest part of the day. After a little negotiation on both ends of the call we had agreed on a midday meeting time and place.

Compared to yesterday the morning was uneventful. Yesterday Mom and Aunt Karen told me to imitate Kaylie whenever I was unsure how a girl should act. I still had a lot to learn. I was heading for the eggs, sausage, and pancakes on the buffet when I was told in no uncertain terms that a girl should have things like yogurt and fruit for breakfast.

"You know, girls have to watch their figure."

I wondered how I should take that comment. While eating I reminded Mom and Aunt Karen that StacyLyn knew my secret, but as far as I knew the rest of her family just assumed I was a girl. Hopefully things would stay that way.

After breakfast we did a hike on the Navajo Loop trail starting from Sunset Point. This was a much shorter and easier hike that the Fairyland Loop that we did yesterday, and we finished climbing back to the rim before it got too hot. It was a good choice with lots of nice scenery and famous rock formations with fanciful names like Thors Hammer. Looking at the map I had thought it would have been nice to do the Queens Garden trail instead, but figured everyone would suspect a double meaning if I suggested that one.

We headed back to Ruby's Inn, had a quick snack, and met up with StacyLyn as planned. She arrived with her mother, Mary Waterman and her younger sister, Sarah. Her father, Mark, and her brother Jacob, were no where in sight.

"Dad and Jacob wanted to watch football on television this afternoon then play games at the resort arcade. Looks like those couch potatoes have had enough outdoors."

"Well, looks like I still have my all-girls vacation," Mom remarked to Aunt Karen. "Frankly, I was not looking forward to having those guys around. Nothing against them, but..."

"But that they are males, right Carol?" Aunt Karen continued.

I was wondering where that left me, both now and once we headed back home tomorrow. Our merged group got onto the shuttle bus for the south end of the park, and I sat down next to Kaylie with Stacy Lyn across the aisle. The roar of the engine was so loud that Kaylie needed to speak directly into my ear.

"At least you don't have to worry about Jacob hitting on you today. If you keep dressing so pretty you will have to learn how to handle horny boys." Watching for my reaction she continued. "I really think StacyLyn has a crush on you. This can be your first girl-with-girl date. Sounds romantic, what do you think?"

I sort of blushed and ignored her until the bus stopped at the first overlook on the route. This bus had a fixed route with stops at major overlooks. Having to time our sightseeing to the bus schedule was not as convenient as driving, but it can be hard to find a place to park at the popular overlooks during the busy season. Fall is the nicest time of year at Bryce Canyon and there were tourists everywhere. Yesterday I had been terrified about being read as a boy. Today I felt much more confident, but still was carefully monitoring my self for possible slipups.

We walked from the parking area to the view point and started posing for snapshots of each other with the canyon as background. It was getting warmer, but there was enough wind to keep it pleasant. I did start to appreciate that the lighter fabrics of girls' clothes made them more comfortable that boy's outfits in hot weather. Cooler in more ways than one, I thought.

At the next stop Mom suggested we walk along the Rim Trail for a few minutes since there was still some time before the bus was scheduled to leave. I was walking beside StacyLyn with Kaylie a few steps behind. "McKenzie, you really need walking lessons. When you get in a hurry you walk just like a boy. Join me in dance class and learn to use your hips." I ignored Kaylie's teasing, but knew she was right. StacyLyn looked at me and grinned.

I think part of the reason I passed as a girl was that the tourists were looking at the scenery and not paying attention to the strangers all around them. At least the focus on the scenery applied to adults. My greatest risk of being read was from teenage boys and inquisitive preteen girls. StacyLyn's brother has shown great interest in me yesterday and I had no idea of what I was going to do. I had zero experience acting like a real girl around typical boys. Fortunately Kaylie saw my distress, rushed over, and started flirting with Jacob to distract him.

Yesterday StacyLyn's little sister, Sarah, had momentarily stared at me with a curious expression, and the same thing was happening again today. At each bus stop I would notice that Sarah was carefully observing me. Kids are insightful and not bashful about asking embarrassing questions. I was not surprised when I overheard Sarah and StacyLyn talking about me.

"StacyLyn, is your friend McKenzie really a ...."

"Shush - that isn't polite." StacyLyn grabbed her sister by the shoulders and looked right at her. "Remember, Mom and Aunt Jessica keep telling you to respect people's privacy. Let's go look at the wildflowers over there."

StacyLyn had mentioned her Aunt Jessica several times today and was obviously fond of her. Jessica sounded like an interesting person. By 5 PM we had been to a half dozen viewpoints, wandered along several sections of the canyon rim, and had taken more pictures than we needed. I was really getting into posing as a pretty girl in the landscape. With Kaylie's encouragement, and Aunt Karen's obvious approval, I was mastering adjusting my posture to emphasize hips and breasts, even though I really had neither.

As the shuttle approached the visitor center StacyLyn announced, "Let's head to Ruby's Inn and get ready for the picnic.

At Ruby's Inn we dashed to our motel room, freshened up, and grabbed some warmer clothes. Bryce Canyon is at high elevation in the desert and temperatures drop quickly after the sun goes down. We met up the StacyLyn, Sarah, and Mary Waterman in the large store that is on the south side of the main Ruby's Inn building. There was a huge grocery section that supplied both the local workers and tourists like us. We had no problem finding deli foods and other treats. The market knew what was needed for a spontaneous picnic and disposable plates and utensils were available at the deli counter. Fully loaded with food and a bundle of firewood we headed to the picnic area just as dusk approached.

We found a table, unpacked our food, and started a small campfire. We were all hungry even though we had not hiked very hard during the day. Frankly, I was famished. I was not used to eating girl-sized portions of the healthy foods preferred by the weight conscious. I was not sure which direction my life would take, but I suspected I might have to get used to eating like a lady. Anyway, we all dug into the sandwiches and salads, but skimped on the potato chips. Mom and Aunt Karen started taking about their Girl Scout days, and Mrs. Waterman joined in. Soon we were singing campfire songs and telling jokes.

I started noticing the differences in interpersonal interaction between this sort-of all-girls group and what I usually saw and heard in mixed or all-male settings. With girls there was much more mutual support and much less bragging and fake aggression. I thought this picnic was more my style and joined in the best I could. After a while StacyLyn, Kaylie, Sara, and I got tired of listening to tales of scout camps long ago and we wandered over to a vacant table nearby.

"My Mom always talks about how different things were before cell phones and the internet."

"Same here, StacyLyn," continued Kaylie. "Personally, I think things are more interesting now."

"And of course our Moms were told things were better way back when our grandmothers were growing up."

"Yes, McKenzie's and my grandmother was telling me about her high school days once."

Suddenly I was all ears. Grandma never had that kind of conversation with me.

"She often told me about how different things were, no birth control pills, thick sanitary pads and never tampons until after 18. She had to put up with strict "morality" and people getting upset about a girl ever being in a private place with a boy. Grandma once told she that she had no idea of what grandpa looked like down there until their wedding night, and ..."

About this time Sarah lost interest and drifted back to the mom's table.
In the distance we heard, "They're talking about sex and other big-girl stuff over there."

By the campfire light I saw Mom start to giggle at my predicament. Meanwhile Mrs. Waterman asked Sarah if she wanted to learn another campfire song.

Kaylie and StacyLyn continued talking about the topics of interest to girls. I was listening carefully, amazed about what I was hearing. Occasionally I would nod or murmur vague agreement. I was afraid if I said anything substantive I would upset the situation by reminding them that one of the three of us was not really a girl. Things really got awkward when they started talking about the gross things they had heard about boys. Eventually StacyLyn's attention turned to me.

"McKenzie, you amaze me."

"What do you mean?"

"For the last hour your cousin and I have been talking about girl things: our bra sizes, our periods, boys, French kissing, and everything in between. You have just been soaking it up. A normal, straight boy would have gotten grossed out and slithered away long ago."

"It's not the first time he's heard girls talk. McKenzie spends a lot of time hanging out with me and my friends at school."

"OK, but still its not normal for a boy. Maybe McKenzie really is a girl in a boy's body."

"What do you think, cousin? Want to ask your mom if you can get it cut off?"

I couldn't figure what to say, and just reached out my hands to Kaylie and StacyLyn. Gradually we pulled together into a group hug. I like the way girls support each other emotionally.

"Kaylie, do you mind if I talk to McKenzie privately?"

As Kaylie headed back toward the campfire I started wondering what StacyLyn had to say next. Or maybe she wanted to do something with me in private. She indicated we should walk, and lead me into the trees.

"I need to tell you a secret. My parents didn't want me to talk about it, but I think it will help you understand me better if you know. Please, please, don't repeat this to anyone without asking me first."

"Promise, I can keep a secret."

"My family keeps this pretty quiet, but ..."

"Keeps what quiet?"

"Please, don't interrupt. Let me tell you what I have to say. This is important for both of us."

I nodded in agreement.

"You need to know about my background. There is a reason why I was able to read you right away. You are not the first effeminate, cross-dressing male I ever met."

Suddenly I was afraid of where this conversation was leading. But, somehow I also knew it would affect my future in a good way. Maybe it was StacyLyn's reassuring manner.
I listened carefully for a long time and did not say anything. I had never heard anything like this, but the whole story was something I could relate to. Her eyes were misty when she finished. I looked at her with both shock and amazement and then pulled her into a comforting, non-sensual hug.

"Now you know why feminine boys interest me. McKenzie, I want you to stay my friend."

We held each other again. Finally we joined hands and walked back into the warm glow of the campfire. It was getting chilly and we all stood close together on the upwind side of the fire to keep the smoke out of our eyes. Eventually someone suggested it was time to head to the motel. We had used up all the firewood and the coals were going black. Not only was I starting to get cold, I was emotionally drained by what StacyLyn had told me.

I was quiet on the way back to the motel. I said a long good night to StacyLyn when we got back to Ruby's Inn. We both would be heading for home tomorrow, and I had no idea of when I would see her again. We had exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses, and I promised I would keep in touch with her. Kaylie asked what StacyLyn had wanted to talk about a couple of times, but it was too complicated, and besides I promised to keep the secret.

At our room we took our turns washing up, and I changed into the nightgown Mom had borrowed from Kaylie for me to wear on the trip. Like most motel rooms this one had two king-size beds: one for Kaylie and Aunt Karen, the other for Mom and me. Even when pretending to be a girl it seemed totally weird to be sharing a bed with Mom at my age. As I did last night, I stayed way over on one side of the bed with my back turned toward her. I guess sharing a bed with Kaylie would have raised even more issues.

For a long time I couldn't fall asleep. The conversation with StacyLyn opened my eyes to a whole new world. In the brief time we had in private she had explained why she had developed empathy for all the types of people who did not fit into the standard male-female categories. She said that she was active in the gay-straight alliance at her high school and attended other gender-related support groups too. I hadn't realized she was in ninth grade until she told me. In one way I was really curious to learn more about her background and her relationship with Aunt Jessica. There was so much to think about. Eventually I dozed off.

McKenzie and Mom return home from the 'all-girls' vacation at Bryce Canyon. Mom expresses serious concern that McKenzie's dress-up activities will interfere with the custody hearings. Aunt Karen continues to be enthusiastic about McKenzie's changes, but what is her agenda? McKenzie has conflicted feelings, but keeps communicating with StacyLyn.

Closeted at Home

Finally we were on our way home. For the last three days I had been privileged to be part of an "all-girls" vacation to Bryce Canyon National Park in southern Utah with Mom, Aunt Karen, and cousin Kaylie. Aunt Karen has initiated the idea of my dressing as a girl for the event, and Kaylie, who is my age, had been an excellent tutor. StacyLyn, the girl who read and asked why I was dressed as a girl me when we first arrived, had been really nice to me when we met in the afternoon on the Fairyland Trail and again during dinner in the restaurant. Yesterday she had invited us to join the female members of her family on a scenic drive and evening picnic. StacyLyn had led me away from the campfire to tell me that she liked feminine boys and then revealed a secret about her background that put things into a totally different perspective for me.

I was enjoying the scenery as we drove along Highway 89 toward the Interstate. Again I was wearing casual sportswear borrowed from Kaylie with the clip-on ponytail sticking out above the adjusting strap on the back of my cap. Mom and Aunt Karen were chatting in front while Kaylie and I were in back entertaining ourselves listing to music and looking at magazines. I gave the copy of Cosmo Girl back to Kaylie and traded for a hairstyles magazine. It was an issue on short summertime haircuts which were now a bit out of season since we were well into the fall. But, for me these girls’ hairstyles were absolutely fascinating. I had never thought much about how feminine and pretty hair could look even if it no longer that what I already had but carefully styled. I started wondering if I could find something that could be brushed to look reasonably boyish for normal wear but could also be fancied up for girl time.

Unlike the first day I was not worrying about rest stops. After two days as a girl in the park I was now confident that I could go anywhere, including the ladies room, and pass as a girl with a ponytail who was wearing jeans and a feminine shirt. Well, maybe this was overconfidence. When in public I found it reassuring to have Kaylie nearby in case I got into an uncomfortable situation. I was thinking about how she had expertly saved me by playing the flirt when StacyLyn's brother Jacob showed a bit too much interest in me. This did bring up some troubling questions about how I was going to deal with boys if I ever got a chance to dress up like this again. I put this thought aside when I realized that the conversation in the front seat was about me.

"Karen, do you think what we did was right in making McKenzie into a girl for this trip?"

"Nothing was wrong, Carol. McKenzie enjoyed herself and discovered a new aspect of her personality. Yesterday it was so marvelous to watch McKenzie interacting like a normal girl with Kaylie and StacyLyn."

"But this was all so sudden. What ever made you suggest the idea?"

"I have been watching McKenzie for years. We both know he spends a lot of time hanging out with Kaylie and her friends. I figured my nephew would enjoy the experience. Besides, you needed to get away from reminders of that awful, soon-to-be-ex husband of yours. What could be better that an all-girl trip in the outdoors that let us relive our summer camp experiences and share them with out daughters?"

"Yes, I could see McKenzie was enjoying himself, so I went along. Still, I was really scared at times."

"Scared of what? You know, crossdressing is not illegal. The three of us could have bailed McKenzie out of any situation if the fact that she has boy parts had become an issue. "

"What frightens me is having the self-important and arrogant Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark find out. Right now it looks like he will negotiate a quick divorce and not fight for custody of McKenzie. All that selfish man wants is to be with his new girlfriend. But, if he found out about this trip he could use it as a weapon in court. Cross dressing may not be illegal but a lot of local judges are really traditional and conservative. Jared's lawyer could easily argue that what we have done to McKenzie is deviant and abusive parenting."

"We didn't force McKenzie into this. I asked and he went along with the suggestion to be a she for the weekend. Don't worry, it was all a lot of fun."

I looked back at the magazine and didn't say anything. The mention of my father had suddenly shaken me out of the pleasant fantasy of the last few days. Memories of his shouting at me to man up and quit being a sissy flooded through my mind. My father was career military and spent most of the recent years on deployment so I didn't see him too often. Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie had really been my family influences, and that suited me just fine. I knew a little about family court issues from the experiences of some of my class mates at school. As I sat thinking about the upcoming changes in our family situation I realized that my future would really depend on the judge who would eventually rule on child custody.

I started thinking about going back to school in boy mode. There was no question, at school I would have to again be my normal self. In some ways that was a relief. I needed time to think about all that had happened in the past few days. Kaylie must have sensed what I was thinking.

"Well, I guess my cousin needs to become a boy again for school tomorrow. How sad, I will miss the new McKenzie."

"You know, I am going to miss her too. I'll still hang out with you and your friends but it won't be the same as being one of the girls."

"Well maybe you mom will let you have some girl time again soon. I'd like that, and so would you."

We went back to listening to the music. I was still very mixed up about my feminine side. I was enjoying the experience, but somehow uncomfortable as well. Maybe it was because of all the arguments I had with Father over my being a sissy. Eventually my thoughts turned to my private conversation last night with StacyLyn. She made me promise to keep it a secret so I was the only one in the car who knew the truth about StacyLyn's family situation. We had talked privately only a few minutes, but StacyLyn had told me something I had never imagined. StacyLyn had a lot of empathy for feminine boys. She emphasized that she liked me and wanted to be my friend. We had exchanged contact information but she lived in a major city a half-day drive from my home so I was not sure when I would see her next. Some things StacyLyn told me were fascinating, but I was also frightened. I decided that this was all something I was not quite ready to think about. My immediate problems were school, being supportive of Mom, and making sure I stayed living with her without interference from my Father.

************
We arrived safely back home in Santa Carla and the next morning it was back to Pineview School as my usual self. All during the trip to Bryce Canyon I had been coached by Kaylie on walking like a girl. Now I suddenly needed to switch back and monitor my movements so that I didn't act too girly. I wasn't sure which I considered worse -- being read as a boy when wearing girl's clothes in the park or being called out for acting as a sissy at school. I had been taunted before and I was sure it would happen again.

"Hi, McKenzie, I hardly recognized you the way you are dressed."

"Quiet, Kaylie, I don't want your friends to overhear us talking about the trip and start asking questions."

"You mean I can't tell everyone about how we posed for the photographer who wanted some pretty girls in his landscape pictures of the Fairyland trail?"

"No!"

"OK, just kidding. Let's head to class. Remember to carry your books under your arm, not in front of your boobs."

"Quit teasing me."

As I said this I noticed a couple of unfamiliar students staring at Kaylie and me. Just then a bunch of Kaylie's friends walked up and joined us heading into the building. A few of the tough boys from our class were hanging out near the front door, and I thought I heard someone mumble "faggot" as we passed.

For the next few weeks I realized I was looking at girls differently now. I had always been friends with a lot of the girls my age, but now I wanted more than just friendship. I wanted to be one of them. I found myself being jealous of their nice clothes, their long hair, their jewelry, and other fashion accessories. I kept noticing how everyone treats girls nicely compared to the boys. I knew I needed to talk to Mom about this sometime, but was not totally sure what I wanted to say.

My trip to Bryce Canyon as a girl had awakened something, but these feelings that I should be a girl were not totally new. Thinking back, I could remember identifying as a girl as far back as kindergarten. On the first day of class the teacher asked us to line up and I had gotten behind Kaylie in the girls' line. Everyone laughed at me when the teacher pulled me over into the other line and told me to act like a boy. I remembered being corrected multiple times for playing girls' games, but it took me well into grade school before I could figure out what I was doing wrong.

Father was somewhat aware of all this and when he was home between deployments he did is best to try to toughen me up. The experience frustrated both of us. Still, by the end of grade school I had mastered acting sufficiently boyish to get by but had also gotten used to being called a sissy. Now in middle school I was having to face these issues again.

***************
During the weeks that followed Aunt Karen was enthusiastic and encouraged every sign of femininity in me. She had suggested the dress-up trip to Bryce Canyon and had enjoyed watching me learn how to act as we hiked the Fairyland Trail. Since our return she had been very supportive of my spending time with Kaylie, and complemented me whenever I did something noticeably girlish.

There were times when Mom seemed totally delighted about having a pretend daughter, but more often she was reminding me to be careful how I presented myself at school and in public. Santa Carla was definitely not the most open-minded town. The population was a mix of old-time western rednecks, conservative retired rich people, and a few military families associated with the National Guard training site. It was the sort of town where people were expected to follow traditional roles: working fathers, stay at home mothers, macho boys and sugar-and-spice girls. Between the small-town social pressures and the upcoming custody hearings it was clear the Mom did not want to be accused of making me into a girl.

I really wanted to find a low-risk way that I could express at least a little femininity. I usually followed Kaylie over to her house after school and stayed there relaxing, playing, or doing homework until my Mom got home from work and hour or two later. Sometimes a few of Kaylie's friends joined us, and I did my best to act like one of the girls.

I started to explore the limits of what Mom would allow. Mom and I were visiting over at Aunt Karen's for dinner, and I was sitting with Kaylie in her room talking about nothing in particular. Thumbing through the make-up tips section of one of her teen-girl magazines gave me an idea.

"Kaylie, would help me paint my nails? You did such a neat job just before we left for the Bryce Canyon trip. Remember that StacyLyn thought my nails looked really good on that trip."

"Guess so, do you want some clear polish this time so it won't show?"

"Let me be daring -- bright red. The brightest you have."

"If that's what you want, girl."

My nails were dry by the time we were called to dinner. We sat down and began loading our plates as the various dishes were passed around the table. I used exaggerated, overtly feminine hand gestures so that my nails would be as obvious as possible. I was going to make a statement.

"McKenzie, why are your nails painted?"

"I felt like it, Mom. Kaylie helped me when I asked."

"Well, you better plan to have her help you clean it off before we head home. You are not going to school tomorrow like that. What if your father found out?"

"Calm down, Carol. McKenzie is trying desperately to tell you something. The least you could do is listen and be supportive."

"Dear, I know you want to be a girl. Let's just be discrete about it until things settle down." I looked intently at Mom. Finally I said, "OK, Kaylie can help check that I get the polish all off."

One day on the way home from school I asked Kaylie, "Do you still have that short hair styles magazine issue? You know, the one I was looking at on the way back from our special trip."

"Might have it. Let me look." We went to her place and she rummaged around in her room for a while. "Yes, here. What's up?"

"I am looking to see what I could do if I let my hair grow just a little bit. You know, something that looks like a shaggy mop of hair on a boy but can be sculpted with some styling gel to look like a girl's cut."

"Your Aunt Karen would find that sort of hair cut fascinating. She might even help you. She styles my hair sometimes, you know."

"That would be fun. Do you think my Mom would allow it?

I had a number of intense discussions with Mom, but eventually she agreed to let me skip a haircut for two months then go to a stylist. The ground rules were that whatever I did with my hair it still had to be something the could reasonably be a boy style at critical times. She emphasized that the absolute rule for me was that I had to be a boy in public, at least for now. I know she was worried about community reactions to anything different.

Finally the time came. Aunt Karen had been combing and brushing my hair when I visited her place and one day she had announced I was ready of a professional job. She set up an appointment, and I went with Kaylie to her usual hair stylist. The signs implied this was a unisex salon, but I only saw women and girls inside. Kaylie got a light trim to even things up but stayed with her basic bangs and ponytail cheerleader look. Then it was my turn. The hairdresser's eyes rolled when I showed her the magazine picture of what I wanted, but she was a professional about it.

"You know that hair style will make you look like a girl."

"Maybe, but I think is unisex enough so that it can be combed into a boy-style cut."

"Can I ask why you picked this style?"

"I ... uhh ...."

"OK, I can guess sweetie." She gave me a wink and a smile. "I know just what to do. I promise I won't gossip about you with my other customers."

"Thanks, that's important to my Mom."

After a few minutes of cutting I still looked like a boy with shaggy hair. Then I heard her say, "Watch carefully what I do now so you can do it whenever you want at home."

She took a bottle of styling gel and a comb and swiftly sculpted the hair to give it a lot more volume. With a few more adjustments sweeps of hair delicately framed my face. I was amazed by what I was seeing in the mirror.

"Awesome!" exclaimed Kaylie. "I dare you to wear it home like that. Hurry up, my mom is here to pick us up."

I gave the hairdresser a big tip along with the payment and promised I would be back to see what else she could do for me when I had a bit more hair. Aunt Karen showered me with compliments as we got into the car. On the ride home I kept thinking about that marvelous evening when we had the fancy dress-up mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant at Ruby's Inn. I had asked softly if I could do this again, and everyone had smiled and Aunt Karen gave Mom a thumbs-up. But once we got home and she had talked to a divorce lawyer she became really afraid that people would find out about my dress-up activities. I began to suspect that she Mom having doubts about our trip to Bryce Canyon.

When I got home from the salon Mom seemed pleased by my new appearance, but she insisted I shampoo and get my hair back into boy mode before going to school again. Styling and then unstyling my hair became part of my after school visits with Kaylie and her friends. The other girls were always amused when Kaylie took out a comb and gel to demonstrate her hair styling skills on me.

But alas, I could only be seen in public with shaggy boy-style hair. Mom was even concerned about Kaylie styling my hair in front of her friends.

"What if one of those girls started to gossip, or worse, took a picture with her cell phone camera?"

"I trust them. Besides, if a picture got taken I could always say we were just playing."

"Well, be careful."

Mom and I continued to visit at Aunt Karen's on weekends and evenings. I the unspoken rules were that I could borrow some of Kaylie's clothes as long as I only wore them in the house or the backyard which had a high fence. I thought it was nice to wear something pretty and I found myself doing it more and more. Usually it was just casual sportswear like girl-cut skinny jeans and a blouse, but sometimes we had full-scale fancy dinners when I got to wear one of Kaylie's dresses and a little makeup.

********
As promised, I was careful how I presented myself around Santa Carla, but I also felt a need to share with StacyLyn. During the past school year I had been maintaining contact with her. Emails, text messages, and an occasional phone call allowed me to share my progress and keep up with events in her life too. StacyLyn became a special confidant and was the one person I could really share my gender confusion with. Kaylie was supportive, but often teased me when I wished she would be serious.

Against Mom's instructions I occasionally took some pictures of myself when dressed up and sent them to StaceyLyn. She always replied with support and delight. The secret that StacyLyn had told me during the picnic was something we kept between us and had become a source of encouragement for me. StacyLyn kept telling me that she liked feminine boys and thought that any boy who wanted should be able to live as a girl. Those sorts of ideas both excited and scared me. StacyLyn sent me a steady stream of advice on gender issues.

Kaylie kept trying to figure out what we had talked about that night a Bryce Canyon when StacyLyn pulled me aside for a private conversation. Keeping a secret is hard, but I kept my promise.

**************
One Saturday Aunt Karen suggested we make a trip to the mall, and of course I was interested. I have always enjoyed shopping trips, especially when I follow Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie through the womens' and girls' sections. Mom was still occasionally depressed when she heard more about my father's affairs or had a bad meeting with the divorce lawyers. We all hoped this shopping trip would cheer her up.

As we got into the car Mom said, "I want to make this a nice day for you too."

I wondered what that remark meant as we headed toward Red Desert Mall. As usual we started by window shopping the full length of the main corridor before heading into the first specialty shop. Spring was coming and Mom and Aunt Karen were both looking for seasonal outfits for work. Neither Kaylie nor I were especially interested in career clothes so we sorted of wandered off and found ourselves next door looking at hair accessories.

"You know, you have enough hair now that some of these would really look neat on you."

"Yes, but I'm not sure Mom wants me to be seen buying this sort of stuff."

"Come on. Guys get gifts for a 'special girl' all the time."

I ended picking up a few hair clips and a headband. It ended up being no big deal, but still it was nice to have some accessories of my own instead of what I borrowed from Kaylie.

Mom and Aunt Karen found us and announced that we needed to do some shopping for Kaylie next. That sounded good. At least I would be able to look at clothes more appropriate for girls my age. As we headed toward the next store Aunt Karen remarked to Mom that Kaylie would need to get new clothes more often now as she was starting to rapidly develop a teen figure. The remark was addressed to Mom but somehow I think it was also intended for me to hear it. This could pose a problem for my borrowing her clothes.

Aunt Karen decided Kaylie needed a new, larger bra and I started becoming totally jealous as I watched her get measured, pick a style, and head back into the changing rooms. For the first time on this trip I knew I was definitely excluded. Why did I have to be born a boy? Next Kaylie got a nice white blouse with a lacy collar and a floral-print summer weigh skirt. One again I felt left out.

At one point I noticed Mom had disappeared and I was with just Aunt Karen and Kaylie wandering through the girls sportswear section.

"Your Mom will be right back," said Aunt Karen, and I did not think any more about it.

After Mom came back we headed to the food court, had a light snack, browsed a bit more, then headed home. We dropped Aunt Karen and Kaylie off at their house then Mom and I drove the short distance home. I went to my room and sulked. In one sense I had enjoyed the shopping trip, but compared to previous trips I had also felt very much left out. For weeks I had been thinking about ways I could experience a little more femininity and today I was reminded that I was still stuck as a boy. I started playing with my hair and wondered if I could convince Mom to let me grow it even longer.

Just then Mom knocked on my door. "May I come in?" She entered carrying several packages from the same store where Kaylie had gotten her summer outfit. "I have a nice surprise for you."

She handed me the packages and indicated I should open them. It was unbelievable -- a blouse and skirt set just like Kaylie's. The only difference is that Kaylie had gotten a green and yellow print and this one was in green and brown. Identical style and complementary color patterns to give a coordinated, but not matching, look. "For me?"

"Yes, dear. Now open the other package too."

It was a heavily padded training bra. Mom indicated I should take off my shirt, and then she helped me adjust the shoulder straps to get just the right fit.

"Both you and Kaylie have grown a lot, and it has been a long time since she stopped wearing training bras. The ones you were borrowing from her were really too small for you. I decided you needed one of your own."

"Mom, thank you. I never expected this. I haven't understood how you feel about my dressing."

"I am still nervous about all this, but Aunt Karen convinced me that the right thing to do was to be more supportive of you. We just need to keep your dress-up sessions private, OK."

"Yes, Mom."

"McKenzie, I think we both wish you had been born a girl."

Suddenly we were hugging each other and crying. Before I went to bed I sent a message to StacyLyn telling her about Mom's purchases for me. Almost immediately I got a reply"

> snd me a pix of you in your new top & bra ;) want to show aunt jessica
> maybe later mom keeps warning me
> goodnight sleep like a princess

I few days later I overheard her talking to Aunt Karen. "Look, I just don't what the issue of McKenzie's feminine interest to come up in court when I ask for sole custody. McKenzie, will have a lot to regret if her ... that is his ... father gets join custody and tries to use that as a lever to send him to some military prep school or wilderness therapy camp as a way to toughen him up and make him into a man."

Facing Puberty and Seeking Help

McKenzie continues to be closeted at home while puberty approaches and Mom remains concerned about anything that will interfere with the custody hearing. Depressed over the discussion of puberty in health class McKenzie turns to StacyLyn for help. She has a suggestion, but acting on it means sharing family secrets.

Part 5: Facing Puberty and Sharing StacyLyn's Secret

There have been a lot of changes in my life since that wonderful fall day when I first hiked the Fairyland Trail wearing clothes borrowed from my cousin Kaylie. That trip with Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie stirred up long-suppressed feelings of wanting to be a girl. For almost a year since then I have been dressing as a girl in private, but still presenting as a boy at school and in public around our home town, Santa Carla. Mom has continued to jump between enjoying the idea of having me as her pretend daughter and fearing the consequences if my father found out before the custody issue was settled. Aunt Karen has been supportive, and Kaylie too, but she also likes to tease. Phone and internet have kept me in touch with StacyLyn, who I met at Bryce Canyon. She has continued to give me advice and has urged me to become more decisive about my future.

For a while things continued pretty much as they had been for the past year. I was allowed to dress as a girl as long as it was in private, that is, at home or at Aunt Karen's. But I was endlessly cautioned to be careful in public. StacyLyn had directed me to some interesting biographies on the internet and I had read about the anguish of boys who kept their feminine side closeted for years. I could relate to the problems, but for the time being I was closeted. Keeping my feminine side hidden had been emphasized repeatedly by Mom. What helped me cope was my marvelous support network of Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie, and StacyLyn, who all knew my situation.

My dressing in girls’ clothes was really low key most of the time. Nowadays teen girls wear pants more often than they wear dresses, and the same was true for me. When Kaylie and I were together I was usually wearing jeans and a shirt. Of course my preference was for girl-styled jeans with a bit of fancy trim and a shirt that buttoned right over left. When this all started with the 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon, and for a few months after I got back home, I was dependent on borrowing clothes from Kaylie. More recently Mom had been buying me more and more girl clothes of my own. Now my underwear drawer contained both jockey shorts with a fly for school and doctor visits and pretty panties for all other hours of the week.

Mom repeatedly explained why I needed to stay closeted. Santa Carla is a smallish, conservative town in a conservative state, and Father had a lot of friends and acquaintances around town who might be feeding him information. Mom was really afraid that Judge Coleman, the local judge who handed family matters, was likely to be react unfavorably if Father made the claim that she was an abusive parent who was trying to force me into being a girl. Obviously no force was involved, I had needed a little persuasion at first, but now this was something I wanted to do more than anything else in my life. I was rediscovering feelings going back to kindergarten that had been suppressed in response to Father's demands regarding how I should, in his arrogant opinion, act.

One afternoon when I was at Kaylie's house Mom called me sounding panicked. The court-appointed custody evaluator had stopped by to make a short-notice home visit. Mom needed me to come home and in a hushed voice told me to be sure I was 'presentable.' Earlier Mom had explained that the custody evaluator is a social worker who prepares a written report for the judge that makes recommendations based on the 'best interests of the child' so this interview was important. When Father first told Mom he wanted a divorce she had asked about me and his reply was that "you can keep that sissy faggot, he never will be a soldier anyway." Ever since then I had been anxious to get him totally out of my life.

When Mom called I was wearing my typical after-school girlish outfit. I hastily explained to Kaylie why I had to head home, and that before I left I needed to do a quick change. Unfortunately all my actual boy clothes were at home since I had changed before Aunt Karen picked me up that afternoon. With Kaylie's help she found a pair of her jeans that were reasonably unisex, a bit tight cut, but no embroidery or other ornamentation. She also found a generic sweatshirt with a college logo printed on it. I grabbed these things and headed into the bathroom to take off my frilly ruffled shirt, padded bra, and Capri pants. Usually I was totally casual about changing in front of Kaylie, but the upcoming social worker visit had put my mind into boy mode. As I was finishing I realized I had worn knee length boots with a distinct heel. I asked Kaylie if she had any plain running shoes that I could borrow, and she found a pair of grubby sneakers that were so faded that the original colors were gone. I checked myself in the mirror and realized I still had a couple of barrettes in my hair. I quickly pulled them out and wet my hair down at the sink so I could comb it back into my shaggy style I wore at school. Finally 'presentable' I headed to the kitchen and told Aunt Karen I was ready for a ride home.

Mom had arranged our home to cover up my dress-up activities. We lived in a three-bedroom suburban house with the two secondary bedrooms, mine and the guest bedroom, each having a doorway into a shared bath between. The rule was only boy clothes and boy things were to be stored in 'my' bedroom while my girl clothes, makeup, fashion magazines, and accessories were in the 'guest room.' In practice this meant I spent most of my time in the guest room and left the other bedroom in a boyish mess. Mom figured that if someone ever noticed the girl's stuff she could say her niece kept some of her things in the guest room to use when she stayed over while her mom was out of town.

Since I was in boy mode I could have walked home, but Aunt Karen suggested a ride both to save the social worker some time and also to have a few minutes to talk to me. As she drove she reminded me of the answers we had rehearsed. I needed to express my strong preference to be raised by Mom and explain that I had never had a close relationship with Father due to is frequent and prolonged absences. Aunt Karen gave me a look-over as I got out of the car as a final check. Fortunately Kaylie and I rarely put on makeup unless it was a special occasion, so I didn't have to worry about unremoved lipstick or eyeliner smudges. The custody evaluator, a very proper-looking middle age lady, was talking with Mom as I entered.

"My report will be easy to complete since Sergeant Clark is not contesting your custody claim at this time. Most of the items are check-box formalities. Thank you for the tour of your house. I have just noted on the form that your home is habitable with no safety or building code issues." She looked up. "Good I see McKenzie is here."

She proceeded to ask me a list of fairly routine questions as she went down the list, and things went smoothly. As she finished she looked at me and smiled.

"You know, the way you have been sitting is consistent with the teacher report I got from your school."

"Do you mind my asking what that report said?"

She flipped down a few pages on her clipboard and started reading. "McKenzie is an excellent student with no behavior problems. He associates mostly with girls and often expresses slightly feminine mannerisms. As a result, he is occasionally bullied about being a 'sissy' but he deals with these taunts in a mature manner." She stopped reading. "I couldn't help but notice that you have been sitting with you knees together and your hands folded in your lap. Given my training in personality evaluation I am very sensitive to body language. Your behavior certainly doesn't bother me personality as I have a flexible attitude toward gender roles. So far, your father has not brought up the need for a 'male influence' in your upbringing, and I certainly do not intend to raise that issue in my report. Well, have a good day."

With that she gathered her papers, got up, and left. I had been concentrating so much on my clothes and my oral answers that I had not noticed my posture. Recently I had read a book by the great modern dance choreographer Martha Graham. She had written, 'movement never lies' and I guess she was right.

The social worker's comments confirmed Mom's concern that my feminine interests could become an issue in the custody decision. I decided I better be really careful around town. I certainly did not want my father sticking his nose into my life now. Things were confusing enough already.

Mom was right to be concerned about community reaction in Santa Carla, and she was not imagining threats. One day Mrs. Russica, who is well know as a 'traditional values' activist around town, abruptly confronted Mom at the supermarket.

"Mrs. Clark, you really need to think about how you are raising McKenzie. That child is going to grow up gay or worse if you don't make him act like a man. I never see him playing with boys. And the way you let him dress..."

"Mind your own business." With that Mom turned away and finished her shopping. The confrontation upset her and she talked on the phone with Aunt Karen for a long while that evening.

*************
For months now I suspected that Aunt Karen had suggested I dress as a girl for the trip to Bryce Canyon because she had seen signs of my feminine behaviors. What she did was really awaken thoughts that I had been keeping suppressed. What began as role-play to cheer up Mom was becoming more and more a central part of my identity.

Part way through the school year the curriculum pushed me to confront my confusion about gender. It all started the day the teacher announced that the health classes for our grade included sessions on 'puberty and maturation,' and that the girls and boys would be meeting in separate classrooms for these lectures. My reaction was a mix of anxiety, curiosity, concern, and loneliness. The day of the first separate lecture I was walking down the hall with Kaylie lost in my thoughts.

"I bet you wish you could go into the girls' class with me, don't you?"

"Quiet Kaylie."

"OK," she whispered. "Besides, you need to learn about boy parts even if you wish..."

"Please, someone might hear!" We had reached the classroom for the girls and I waved reluctantly to Kaylie as she turned and I continued down the hall.

One of the boys in my class came up beside me and sneered. "So, what were you and Kaylie talking about? I couldn't quite hear."

I didn't reply to him and just dragged my self into the classroom assigned for the boys' session. The lecture that day was bad and the one the following week was worse. It wasn't the teaching that was bad, it was the facts I was being taught about male development. In a few months my body was going to start changing in a direction that I was sure I did not want. Deepening voice and facial hair seemed disgusting to me, but I had never really confronted this before. I was afraid of what would happen once my hormones kicked in.

That afternoon Kaylie stopped by at my house after school. I was feeling confused and depressed and I plopped down in the kitchen while I was still in my boy-mode school clothes.

"Aren't you going to change?"

"Maybe later, I just don't feel girlish right now."

"How was health class today?"

"I don't want to talk about it, OK."

"Mine was a lot of fun. We talked about how girls become women, you know, breast development, having periods, dealing with cramps. Most of us girls are already pretty well into the process. I thought of you when one girl asked when she would start getting bigger breasts and everyone sort of laughed because she was so flat. Too bad you couldn't have been there - at least you could learn about what you are missing. And ..."

"Kaylie, I don't want to talk about that."

"... then we talked about how girls get pregnant, something you don't have to worry about, and got all sorts of warnings about ..."

I couldn't listen any longer. "I'm so confused. This past year I have really enjoyed all the time I have spent as a pretend girl. But..."

Finally Kaylie got the message. "You are really afraid of what will happen soon, right?."

I looked at Kaylie. "This is all going to end when puberty hits me!" I started to cry. Kaylie put her arms around me and we cried together. After a while Kaylie said she really needed to go home, got her things, and left.

***********

I went to my room, threw myself face down on the bed, and started thinking about the private conversation I had with StacyLyn toward the end of the evening picnic on our last full day at Bryce Canyon. She had asked to speak to me privately and we had gone off together away from the campfire. After making me promise to keep this conversation a secret she started talking about her 'Aunt Jessica.'

"Remember when I mentioned Aunt Jessica several times today? StacyLyn had said."

I had replied, "Yes."

Then she had dropped the bombshell. "Aunt Jessica is my biological father."

In the following minutes StacyLyn had described how her father always felt he should have been a woman and finally decided to get medical help to transition.

"Mom tries really hard to be understanding, and she wants me to have an ongoing relationship with my real father. But it's hard for her. She just couldn't accept a lesbian partnership with Jessica after being married and having three children with Jesse. Five years ago my father announced ..."

I couldn't remember all the details of what she told me that night. It was too overwhelming. But I do remember how she ended the conversation.

"You know, there is an old saying that every girl wants to marry a man like her father. Maybe that's why feminine boys interest me now. McKenzie, I want you to stay my friend."

********

I got up from the bed and sent a text message to StacyLyn. I felt she would be sympathetic, and that is what I needed. 'need to talk 2 U. health class - puberty. IM afraid.'

To my delight my phone rang only a few minutes later. StacyLyn was totally supportive. She is such an awesome person. What was encouraging is that she reminded me there were ways I could be 'helped' and that Aunt Jessica was knowledgeable about all this.

"You really need to talk to Aunt Jessica."

"But how? We live four hours drive away. Besides, your parents don't know my situation, and my Mom wants to keep it a secret."

"Believe me, my family knows how to keep things quiet. Look, have your mom call mine. I will just tell her to expect a call."

"Are you sure the idea of calling will work?"

"Of course. McKenzie, and believe me you shouldn't have to face this alone."

I agonized all the next day about having Mom make the call. This seemed to be asking for trouble, there was no telling where this would lead. Finally, while cleaning up after dinner I awkwardly said, "Uhh, Mom? Uhh ... StacyLyn called last night, and she ... er ... wants you to call her mother, like sometime soon."

Mom calmly looked at me. "Sure, Mrs. Waterman is a charming woman and I will enjoy chatting with her. I wonder what it's about?" With that she headed to the living room and left me to finish cleaning the kitchen. After a few minutes I realized Mom was on the phone. I sat down quietly near the door and listened the best I could.

"... but enough reminiscing about the wonderful trip when StacyLyn and McKenzie met. There must have been a reason why StacyLyn wanted me to call you."

"... I see ... that's amazing ... yes, I agree ...."

I really wished I knew what was being said on the other end of the call. I was sure it involved me. The next turn of the conversation left no doubt.

"How long have you known about McKenzie?" ... "You, mean StacyLyn told you right after we met on the Fairyland Trail?" ... “You asked first?” … "Well I suppose Jessica gave you experience in reading the signs.

"Yes, ... I agree ... I think StacyLyn has been very supportive of McKenzie. ... There are so many issues for us to sort out. ... Yes, it was best for you to wait for us to be ready before having this conversation."

"So you really think it would be helpful for McKenzie and me to meet Aunt Jessica? ... I certainly promise to listen to her." ... Yes, a spring break trip to Bryce Canyon sounds like an excellent plan. .... Yes ... OK, let's do it."

I came running up as Mom put down the phone. She put her arms around me but didn't say anything for a while. Finally she started, "McKenzie you know I love you whether you act like a boy or a girl. Aunt Karen keeps saying I need to be more supportive of your feminine interests, but I have been holding back. I am still so concerned about anything that could upset the custody decision. I want you exclusively with me, ... "

"Yes, Mom. I don't want Father interfering, and ..."

"... and I know that is what you want too. There is a real risk arranging for you to meet with a transwoman like Jessica, but Mrs. Waterman convinced me that it would help you. Are you willing?"

"I'll do it. StacyLyn has been suggesting that I meet her Aunt Jessica for months now."

Mom and I talked for a long while before calling it a night. The next day I told Kaylie about the phone call and the planned return trip to Bryce Canyon. She was excited, and I was finally able to share StacyLyn's secret with Kaylie.

"You remember when StacyLyn and I had that private conversation away from the campfire?"

When I finished retelling the story Kaylie responded, "I know that you will enjoy seeing StacyLyn again and I am SURE you and Aunt Jessica have plenty in common to talk about."

"I'm worried about what is going to happen to my body in the next few years. I'm not sure I want to go through what Jessica has."

"Come on cousin. You were meant to be a girl. Why do you keep torturing yourself by trying to stay a boy?"

**************

For the next few weeks I was really anticipating the trip. What amazed me is how often my concerns turned to girl-type questions like what clothes to bring, just one skirt or two, what necklace looked best with my blouse, should I bring my full makeup kit or just a few essentials. Obviously I was going to be 100% girl for the trip without any need for prodding. Finally Spring Break arrived and we were off.

The drive from home to Bryce Canyon National Park was familiar this time and the miles went quickly. Unlike the first trip I was fully confident that I could pass as just another girl in the crowd. I did have a concern. Being seen by anyone who knew Mom, Aunt Karen or Kaylie would blow my cover no matter how well I presented. I realized I had been lucky the last time, but this was Spring Break for my school. A lot of families took advantage of the break to take short vacations, so there was a reasonable chance of running into someone from Santa Carla. I put this worry aside. The bigger issue on my mind was what would happen when I met with Aunt Jessica.

The first line of spectacular red cliffs came into sight as we turned onto Highway 12, a scenic road leading to Bryce Canyon National Park and then continues east through spectacular canyons before climbing over a mountain and ending near Capitol Reef National Park. Maybe we could take a vacation further east on Highway 12 sometime.

"Ready for a rest stop, girls?"

Kaylie and I responded affirmatively in unison. We stopped at a gas and groceries place. As Mom took care of the fuel Kaylie and I strolled into the ladies room and did our business. We bought some not-too-fattening snacks and headed back to the car. As Mom pulled out onto the highway I noticed a familiar car pulling up to the fuel pumps behind us. I glanced back and saw two boys that Kaylie and I knew from school get out of the car. That was a close call. "Mom, the family in that car are people we know.'

"Well, I told you there was a risk to this trip. We will have to deal with it. McKenzie, did you bring the emergency boy clothes like I asked?"

"Uhh, no Mom. I needed room in my suitcase for ...."

"McKenzie, you know how many times I warned you about having a backup plan in case you need to get back into boy mode fast. Remember the day the custody evaluator showed up? Thank goodness Kaylie had some gender-neutral clothes to loan you."

"Yes, but ..."

"Well, dear. We will just have to hope we can avoid them."

"Mom, I think they are right behind us. What if they see me?"

"Well, your hair is the same length as always, run your fingers through it an push it more into your school day style. Through the car window they won't be able to see the details of what you are wearing."

I sat nervously as they followed us for miles as we climbed up Red Canyon and headed across the high plateau beyond. To my relief they pulled into the left lane, passed us, and continued east when we slowed down to turn south from Highway 12 onto the road into the park. I slouched down and held a magazine in front of my face while Kaylie smiled and waved to the boys. In a few more minutes we were rolling into the tourist complex just outside the park entrance. I looked at my cell phone to check the time. We had only an hour before we were scheduled to meet StacyLyn and Aunt Jessica.

Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica:
The families have arranged a spring break vacation that will give McKenzie a chance to meet StacyLyn's 'Aunt Jessica.' How will the conversations on this repeat visit to Bryce Canyon affect McKenzie's future? What will be the consequences of McKenzie not bringing an emergency set of boy clothes?

Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica

For the past year I have been living, well more surviving, as a closeted girl at home while dreading the hormonal changes that were already starting to affect most of the other boys in my class. Cousin Kaylie and her mother, Aunt Karen, were my biggest supporters. Mom remained endlessly concerned that my feminine interests would cause problems with the judge who was handling her divorce from my domineering and philandering father. Meanwhile, Father seemed to be harassing Mom by dragging out the proceedings in family court. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had met StacyLyn who told me that she only liked girly boys and shared the secret that her biological father was transgendered. Now she had managed to convince our families meet up for a short vacation so I could talk to her 'Aunt Jessica.'

We checked into our motel room without incident, unlike our first time here at Ruby's Inn. We all freshened up after our drive, and I found myself sorting through all my clothes and accessories deciding exactly what to wear for the rest of the day.

"For heaven's sake hurry up McKenzie, you are a girl hiking in the park, not a fashion model in a sportswear catalog."

"OK, Kaylie. I am just having trouble figuring out how to make the best impression."

"Don't worry. Everyone here accepts you for exactly who you are, dear," added Aunt Karen.

"And remember that I am taking my 'daughter' out in a public place. You shouldn't call too much attention to yourself."

"Yes, McKenzie, no deep scoop neck tops or push-up bras to show the boys your boobs."

"Kaylie, stop that."

I decided on a practical choice of trim-fit jeans, a decorative belt, and a floral design sweatshirt over a sports bra. The day was overcast and the temperature was quite cool due to the high elevation of the park.

I filled my water bottle and made sure I had a jacket and sunscreen in my pack. Given Mom's warning to not be conspicuous I decided not to wear any makeup, but I took a lipstick along anyway. As a final feminine touch I tied a ribbon around my short, but real ponytail. Finally we were all ready to meet StacyLyn and her group.

We had arranged to meet by the large fireplace in the main Ruby's Inn building. The hotel-store-restaurant complex is centered on a large entry room decorated in faux Old West with hunting trophies and cowboy artifacts everywhere. We were just sitting down when I say StacyLyn come through the huge front doors and head straight toward me.

She threw her arms around me in a quick hug. "McKenzie, you look so, like, neat. It's awesome to see you." She stepped back to take a good look. "You certainly have changed."

"I've had practice and tutoring.

"You bet, I help my cousin get some girl time in every day after school."

"How was the drive?"

"We're here, but Mom is really concerned about running into someone who knows us. She doesn't want any rumors to get started. You know how small towns like Santa Carla can be."

"That makes sense, at least for now, I guess. Here, meet my father, Aunt Jessica."

I hadn't noticed the tall, heavily built woman who came up behind StacyLyn. She was dressed like someone heading to a country western dance hall. Embroidered jeans, bra outlines showing through a fancy ruffled top, medium heel pointed toe boots, and lots of bold Navajo turquoise jewelry. Her lipstick picked up the red in her blouse and her eye shadow and nails picked up the green-blue of the stones. Neatly styled blond hair cascaded over her shoulders.

"Hello, McKenzie. StacyLyn has been telling me all about you, and I really envy your fine taste in clothes."

"Thanks."

"I wish I could have dressed like you when I was your age. Anyway, we will have lots to talk about."

"Where's Jacob?" Kaylie asked.

"My foster father is a bit phobic about all this. He decided to take Jacob on a male-bonding fishing trip on the Sevier River today. We'll see them after dinner at the earliest."

Aunt Jessica tried to get us moving. "Let's go for a hike now. We can talk a bit on the trail. We don't have a lot of daylight left after all the driving."

"Which trail?"

"Queen's garden and Fairyland both seem appropriate," said Kaylie.

Aunt Jessica noticed me admiring her hair as we waited for the shuttle bus. "It's a wig. I became bald before I became a woman. Male hormones do nasty things," she whispered in my ear.

That comment sent shivers down my spine. As we sat down on the bus I started thinking again about all the things that would soon start happening to my body. StacyLyn was sitting next to me and could sense that I was a bit upset. "Aunt Jessica knows what you are going through."

Actually we decided on the Navajo Loop, though I would have preferred a return to the Fairyland Loop. A lot of wonderful things happened the first time on that trail. StacyLyn, her sister Sarah, Kaylie and I took the lead as we headed down off the rim into the canyon while the four parents followed behind. I really enjoyed hanging out with Kaylie's friends at school but for this hike I was not just accepted by the girls, I was one of the girls. We chatted about everything -- gossip, fashion, boys, music, makeup, hair styles, growing up. The combination of being outdoors surrounded by spectacular scenery and supportive friends made me forget my concerns for a while.

****************
I was wondering about dinner as we were heading back to the motel after our hike. Last time we all dressed up really fancy and had an elegant mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant. I would have loved to do that again, but there were problems with the idea. Mom, of course, would be concerned about other people from Santa Carla seeing us in the dining room. More importantly, there were things that I needed to talk to Jessica about that I didn't want anyone to overhear. StacyLyn came to the rescue again.

"Aunt Jessica, why don't we order take-out pizza tonight and eat in the room. That way McKenzie can talk to you in private.

"Great, I'm starving for pizza," added Kaylie.

That decided, we headed to our rooms to wash the trail sweat off. I dried my hair and brushed into the most feminine style I could manage given the limited length. I replaced my hiking sports bra with a lacey heavily padded bra I used only for real occasions. I was glad I had decided to bring my newest floral print spring dress. It had nice lines that flattered a shapeless body and made a bit of a statement by ending well above my knees.

"Be careful how you sit. You don't want to show what other girls don't have."

"Yes, Kaylie. Now will you mind helping me button the back?"

StacyLyn's family had rented a suite consisting of two adjacent rooms with a connecting door so they had plenty of space. Besides Jacob and Mark Waterman were still off fishing when Mrs. Waterman came back with the pizza. Sarah grabbed a couple slices and headed back to watch the TV. The show looked interesting so Kaylie and StacyLyn did the same. Jessica suggested that Mom and I sit with her at the table in the other room so we could talk without the electronic distraction. We ended up talking for hours.

This was my first experience talking to a TG woman in person. Over the past year Jessica had suggested some really helpful internet sites, and StacyLyn had passed the links on to me. An in-person conversation is really different because you become sensitive to the other persons unspoken thoughts. We talked about when I first started feeling I should be a girl and continued through the events of the last few months. We bounced from stories of my playing jump rope with the girls in first grade to my uncomfortable experience in health class last month. Over and over Jessica told me I had 'options' and that help was available. Mom listened and occasionally asked a question. From time to time Aunt Karen joined us, said something encouraging, and then wandered back into the other room. I sensed she knew this was something Mom and I had to resolve.

I kept mentioning my terror about puberty and hormonal changes. Jessica carefully explained about drug treatments and emphasized that if I really wanted to feminize then the sooner I started the better the results would be. She expressed regrets about all the irreversible changes that had taken place in her teen and college years when she was still in denial. The 'counseling advice' from a Mormon bishop back then had been to get married because having a relationship with a woman would 'straighten things out.' Jessica explained how she had finally accepted the truth and started transitioning. At times this all sounded reassuring, but I got upset again when she described how expensive and painful beard removal and facial feminization surgery had been for her. This was something I did not want to undergo.

The conversation with Jessica had left me emotionally drained. I now knew a lot more about the options that would be open to me. I was just assuming that Mom would be fully supportive of me becoming her full-time daughter. We really had never fully discussed what would happen with my dressing activitiess once Mom had full custody. As Jessica reminded me, both staying as I was born and transitioning would have irreversible consequences. The choices were scary, and the more I thought about it the more upset I became.

Finally we realized how lated it was and we decided we needed to get some rest. Hiking in the high-altitude desert air is tiring. Besides Jacob and Mark had returned, and hours of wading in the stream with a fly rod had worn them out too. All of us girls hugged as we said good night. Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie and I headed back to our room, and quickly got into our night gowns and ready for bed.

"So McKenzie, did Jessica tell you where to go to get it cut off?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I sobbed as I planted my face in the pillow.

Aunt Karen looked sternly at Kaylie. "Young lady, you need to be more supportive of your cousin. You don't have to deal with the issues that SHE is going through. Now get to sleep."

************
Sometimes sleep helps clear the mind and, other times good healthy outdoor activity works wonders. We slept in late the next morning so I had the benefit of both. We had scheduled a full day at Bryce Canyon, so we had decided we had enough time to have a leisurely breakfast then hike the Fairyland Trail. I was glad everyone agreed on this hike since it gave me a time to revisit the good memories I had from the first trip. I was wearing my usual, a practical but feminine outfit. StacyLyn, Kaylie, and I walked together joking about all the events from that day when we first hiked this special trail. Jessica, Aunt Karen, and Mom stayed close to us. Meanwhile Sarah alternately dashed ahead and lagged behind. Jacob and Mark Waterman set off at a fast pace and deliberately stayed far in the lead.

"My brave brother Jacob is still embarrassed about hitting on a boy named McKenzie by mistake. It's not his fault, you really did pass as a girl even way back then."

"A lot of men are really uncomfortable with transgender people. They act like it's contagious. You just have to accept their attitude and be yourself."

I turned to Aunt Jessica. "Talking to you really helped me yesterday. Thanks."

During gaps in the conversation my mind returned to the question of my gender identity and how I was going to deal with puberty. I must have seemed a bit absent mentally.

"Come back to earth, McKenzie. We are coming to the place where we posed for the photographer. Remember."

"It was amazing watching you trying to pose like a girl that day. It didn't take long for you to get the hang of it. That's when I decided you were a special boy," added StacyLyn.

"Well, it was fun figuring out how to show off the breasts and hips that I didn't have."

"Well, I thought you looked a little awkward," Sarah chimed in.

"Remember, Sarah, that was McKenzie's first time in public as a girl. I think she was very brave," added Jessica. "McKenzie is lucky to have such a delicate build and pretty face. Not every boy has those natural advantages."

"Those are only advantages if the boy wants his mom to make him into a girl."

"Kaylie, don't confuse me. I need to think." With that I drifted again into a contemplative mood. My future seemed so confusing. Whatever I decided in the next few months would shape me for life. I could take the 'easy' route, throw away all my girl clothes, and focus on growing up male. But was that the right path for me? What would the default outcome be if I stayed indecisive? On the other hand if I became a girl full time who would I date in high school and beyond? At least the magnificent scenery occasionally brought me back to the present time and place.

We started hiking quite late and we had taken our time so it was already turning to evening when we climbed the last section of the Fairyland Trail that lead out of the canyon to the Rim Trail above. The low-angle sun highlighted the red rocks and the shadows emphasized the fantastic shapes of the rock formations. I looked down into the canyon and felt at peace with myself.

I indicated to Mom that I wanted to talk and we sat down on at a marvelous viewpoint overlooking the area we had hiked trough. The others must of sensed what was happening because they all moved out of earshot farther down the trail. I was glad that what I had to say would not be interrupted by Kaylie's teasing or Sarah's childish wisecracks, but I would have loved to have StacyLyn beside me for support.

"Mom, ... I need to tell you something important."

"Yes, dear. I'm listening." She must of sensed my nervousness because she took my hands and held them.

"I have decided ..." I took a deep breath, this would be decisive. "... that I don't want to grow up to be a man like Father."

"McKenzie, you are a gentle and sensitive person. No matter what you do you won't be like your father."

"No, I mean, that is, uhh... I don't want to be a man at all. I want be a girl and grow up ... as a woman ... and ....."

Mom pulled back momentarily like she was frightened by what I had said, then she looked into my eyes. "Is that really what you really want, or has Jessica been putting ideas in your head?"

"That's what I want. I have been thinking about this all year. I ... I don't know exactly how to say this. The times I have felt most my self have been when I was dressed up as a girl. You know how quickly I change when I get home after school and ..."

"Maybe you just like dressing up."

"I don't want to be your pretend daughter for a while then go back to being a boy. I want to be your daughter."

"It's not that easy. Remember everything that Jessica has told you about all the suffering she went through. The expenses, the loss of Jesse's friends, awkward social situations when she was transitioning, her difficulties at work, the expensive medical treatments, the separation from StacyLyn's mother, the ..."

"I know, but also know I would suffer more if I grow up as a boy then find myself stuck for life as a male."

Mom had tears in her eyes as she hugged me. "McKenzie, I love you. We will work this out, but everything will have to wait until the custody decision is final. Your father would intervene if he had any idea."

We sat quietly for a few minutes before getting up to join the others who had been waiting ahead on the trail. I grabbed Kaylie and StacyLyn and turned them toward me. "I did it! I told Mom that I want to become a total girl."

StacyLyn threw her arms around me. "Brave girl."

For once Kaylie wasn't a tease and just went to get Aunt Karen. This was news to be shared. Mom stood back looking a bit concerned. Sarah seemed oblivious to all this and was scratching in the sand with a stick. And, of course, Jacob and Mark were no where in sight. Given what happened next I was of glad they had just continued along the trail while the females waited for me and Mom.

Jessica stepped up to Mom. "It would be so terrible if McKenzie went into male puberty when she is so close to being able to transition. I really recommend you get her on blocking drugs to suppress the male hormones right away."

"I can't do that. There is no way I would risk talking to a doctor in Santa Carla right now with custody pending. Remember a court subpoena trumps confidentiality. Besides I can't imagine how I would even bring up this sort of idea with any of our usual doctors. "

"I can give you the contact information for a very sympathetic clinic in California. The head doctor is a bit controversial, but they know how to protect patient privacy. It is a long day's drive each way, but no one outside the family needs to know you even took McKenzie there."

"I'll have to think."

That last comment by Mom worried me, but there was little more that I could say or do.

We finished the hike and returned to Ruby's Inn. We decided to eat in the restaurant and, of course, I used this as an opportunity to dress in my most feminine spring clothes. Kaylie and I decided to wear the complementary outfits our mothers had bought for us - same style dress in different colors. At the table Kaylie and Mom sat on either side of me and StacyLyn and Jessica were opposite. I couldn't help but notice that Jacob and Mr. Waterman positioned themselves as far as possible from me and Jessica. I also noticed how Mom scanned each new party entering the dining room to see if there was anyone she recognized from Santa Carla.

The day had worn me out. Both the hiking and the conversations had been exhausting. But, I had told Mom my wishes. I was thinking about the implications of all that had happened as I dozed off.

*****************
The next morning StacyLyn called our room and asked if she and Aunt Jessica could come over before breakfast. I said I was still getting dressed, and she replied that was fine because they wanted to bring something for me to wear anyway.

Jessica and StacyLyn arrived with a shopping bag. "I have some gifts for you. I wanted to give you something nice to wear today. Here is a really cute stretch nylon vee-neck top. But before you put it on I need to and teach you a few t-girl tricks. Take off your top and that unflattering sports bra."

I looked around. I had gotten used to undressing in front of Kaylie, Aunt Karen and Mom, but StacyLyn was sort of a girl-friend and she was the one who immediately read me as a boy the first time we met. At least I could turn my back as I stripped.

"Go ahead, we're all girls here now." Jessica started taking things out of the bag. "Here, put this on. It's a special design of push-up bra. But, first brush a little of this makeup down the center of your chest. Good. Now, take this tape and apply it the way I tell you."

In a next few minutes Jessica worked magic on me. The tape, combined with adjustment of the push-up pads and the bra shoulder straps pushed my chest up and inward. As directed, I pulled the blue and white top down over my head then looked in the mirror. I saw what looked like a pair of real breasts popping out from the edges of the deep vee-neck with a distinct cleavage separating them.

Kaylie and StacyLyn watched with fascination. \"McKenzie you look lovely," chimed StacyLyn.

As usual Kaylie had to get in a wisecrack. "I'm jealous. My cousin looks like he has bigger boobs than me."

Mom, looked alarmed. "Do you think McKenzie should really go out dressed like that?"

"Well, why not?" asked Aunt Karen.

"I warned yesterday about not calling too much attention to herself."

"It's time for McKenzie to go out and express her beauty," added Jessica.

"Please, Mom. I like it."

Mom reluctantly agreed. We headed across the parking lot and into the main lodge building for the breakfast buffet. As we walked I had a distinct feeling that boys and men in the crowd were looking at my chest with a bit more interest than yesterday. Of course Jacob went out of his way to ignore me and my 'enhanced' appearance.

We wanted to have a relaxing day and drive back late, so we decided to start by looking at the exhibits in the park visitor center. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had been far too nervous to stand around in the museum area, but now I was totally confident. I found that the information on geology, erosion and cliff formation was fascinating, but I have always been somewhat of a science geek. Kaylie was more interested in the displays on the Native American's food and clothing. Given my announcement to Mom yesterday I decided I needed to show more interest in these domestic activities, so I let Kaylie set the pace as we wandered from exhibit to exhibit.

Suddenly Kaylie elbowed me. "Look, over there," she whispered.

I glanced up and saw Ms. Byland, a teacher from our Middle School, heading out of the exhibit area. Her back was turned and I had no idea of whether she had seen or recognized any of us. Kaylie and I headed in the opposite direction and ran into Mom and Aunt Karen coming back from the gift shop.

Kaylie spoke first. "I think we saw Ms. Byland leaving the museum, but she may not have seen McKenzie."

Mom turned pale. "I certainly hope not. This is what I have been worried about." She turned to Kaylie. "Let's get McKenzie out of here - now."

We hurried out of the Visitor Center with Mom keeping a eye out for Ms. Byland or anyone else who might know us. StacyLyn and Jessica stayed close so I was almost surrounded as we walked across the parking lot. Aunt Karen was somewere behind.

Once we were safely in the car Mom turned toward me. "I never should have let you wear that outfit in public. Usually you dress modestly and reasonably unisex, but that bra and stretch top are way too provocative. And hardly age-appropriate I might add."

Just then Aunt Karen showed up. "Ms. Byland greeted me and I decided it was best to distract her by carrying on a conversation while you got McKenzie into the car. She is here with two other teachers who are also enjoying school break. Of course they asked where Kaylie and McKenzie were. I made up a quick excuse, but now they will be expecting to see them."

"McKenzie, now you know why I wanted you to bring an emergency change of boy clothes. What if the teachers see you like this?"

Jessica was apologetic. "I caused this problem, let me help."

With that Jessica headed back into the Visitor Center. She came back a few minutes later with an adult-sized, solid-color, hooded sweatshirt with "Bryce Canyon" written on the front and back.

"Pull this sweatshirt on. It is thick and loose enough to cover your breasts and the bra lines under the stretch top."

"But Jessica, it's warm."

"I'm sorry but it was the only thing I could buy in the gift shop that might work. Pull it all the way down. It's long enough to cover the fancy design on the butt of your jeans too."

Mom looked paniced. "Get covered up. Now."

"Calm down, Carol. Most likely Ms. Byland didn't see McKenzie in the visitor center. Now McKenzie is back wearing something unisex. If the teachers see us now nothing will come of it."

"All these close calls make me nervous. Besides, McKenzie's skinny jeans and boots are not exactly something a boy would wear."

Jessica was trying to be supportive. "I had some close calls when I was starting to transiton but was still closeted to my neighbors and co-workers."

We quickly said our good-byes and left Bryce Canyon in a hurry without running into the teachers from Santa Carla again. We made a minimum of stops on the drive home. I kept the sweatshirt on and made sure it was pulled down over my rear end when we were out of the car.

We arrived home without further incident. Mom pulled the car into the garage, turned off the engine, and hit the remote to lower the door before she let me get out. Usually she was not this cautious about my being seen.

Over breakfast the next morning Mom clearly wanted to talk. "Jessica gave me a lot to think about and right now it is all a bit overwhelming. There isn't a lot I can safely do until the court proceedings are final. Until then, please be careful, dear."

I got up and put away my dishes. I must of seemed nervous and distracted. I was still trying to sort through everything that happened on the trip.

Mom came up gently touched my arm. "You told me something very very important while we were hiking the Fairyland Trail. I haven't forgotten what you said."

McKenzie continues waiting for the custody issue is settled and Father is removed from control over medical care decisions. The teacher who was at Bryce Canyon now wants to talk to McKenzie's mother. McKenzie sees the first signs of puberty begin to emerge and becomes desperate.

A Race Between Custody and Puberty

Our second trip to Bryce Canyon National Park had proven as eventful as the first. This time I met StacyLyn's biological father, Aunt Jessica, who educated me and Mom about transgender support resources and about the challenges that I would face if I decided to transition. At the end of our repeat hike on the Fairyland Trail I had found the courage to tell Mom that I did not want to grow up into a man. The big problem was Mom's concern about small-town gossip affecting the divorce and custody issues that were still pending before Judge Coleman. We were both afraid that my father would try to use my feminine behavior as a lever to retain legal rights over my upbringing and medical care. Meanwhile every day brought me closer to the hormonal changes that I dreaded. More and more of my classmates were showing the first signs of facial hair and changed voice.

The trip to Bryce had been an escape from the confines of Santa Carla and a rare chance to gain go out in public with Kaylie and StacyLyn and just be another girl. Presenting myself as a girl had been a big risk since this was spring break and lots of people from my home town were likely to be on vacation. That morning Jessica had taught me some t-girl skills, and I had left the motel wearing more makeup than usual and a stretch vee-neck top that showed simulated cleavage. I enjoyed the glances I had gotten from boys but we also had several close calls including when Ms. Byland, a teacher at my school, might have seen me in the Visitor Center. After spotting Ms. Byland I was hustled out of the museum area and into the car, and Jessica got me a oversized sweatshirt to cover up most of my appearance. Boxes of tissue and bottles of water had cleared the makeup from my face, but I had no boy clothes to change into. As a result we made a hurried departure for home Fortunately, we did not encounter Ms. Byland or anyone else from Santa Carla on our return. Now, my girl self now more closeted that ever. To minimize the risk of being seen as a girl I could dress at home, at Aunt Karen's, and in the car going directly in between, but that was all.

Being closeted made it difficult to have a decent wardrobe for my girl time. Given Mom's intense concern about community gossip getting back to Father I was certainly not allowed to waltz into a clothing store and openly shop for myself. We had worked out a few strategies as a compromise. Occasionally Mom did some 'gift shopping' and came home with a new item for me, but she was afraid to do this too often in case a clerk got suspicious about exactly who she was buying for. Aunt Karen and Kaylie came to the rescue with a couple of other work-arounds. My picking out mail order clothes then having Aunt Karen buy them on her credit card and having them shipped to her house was totally safe. After all Kaylie was my age and close to my size. But mail order denied me the opportunity to browse, admire, try on, select, and mix-and-match clothes like a normal girl. The other work-around was that the four of us would go shopping and act like everything was being bought for Kaylie. I got to browse and comment on choices but had to be careful that no one noticed that what we bought was not quite Kaylie's size. We were at the age when girls start having a growth spurt earlier than boys so she was now a little taller than me. On the other hand, I was afraid that I was already developing broader shoulders. I needed to address what was going to start happening to my body.

*****************
The week after the Bryce Canyon trip I was walking down the school hall at the end of the day when Ms. Byland came up to me. McKenzie, could you please step into my classroom? I need to talk to you."

I started to sweat. I knew that acting evasive just increased suspicions, but still tried an excuse. "I need to find Kaylie and get home right away this afternoon."

"It will take only a minute."

Reluctantly I followed. Ms. Byland was advisor for lot of extracurricular activities. I hoped that some club was what she wanted to talk about.

"Did you enjoy yourself over spring break?"

I wasn't sure how to take that question. It could be a polite conversation opener, but I immediately suspected she had seen me at Bryce Canyon Visitor Center and was asking how I felt about dressing as a girl. "It was OK, I guess."

"Just OK?" She smiled and handed me a note in a sealed envelope. "Please give this to your mother."

I headed back into the hall. I spotted Kaylie. "Ms. Byland gave me a note and asked me to give it to Mom."

"Well I can hardly guess what it is about. Maybe she has some fashion recommendations for you."

"Kaylie, this is serious! What should I do?"

"I don't see that you have any choice."

I got home and gave the note to Mom. She turned pale when I said it was from Ms. Byland. Her hands seemed to be shaking as she opened it. After a quick glance she sat down.

"Ms. Byland has asked to come here to talk with me as soon as possible. I'm sure it is about you. This is terrible. She must have seen you dressed as a girl at the visitor center."

"Are you going to invite her over?"

"What else can I do. Ignoring her will only make things worse."

*************

Ms. Byland came over after school a few days later. Mom had come home a bit early from work to tidy up the living room. Obviously, I stayed in my boy-mode school clothes that day. Mom had considered asking Aunt Karen to be present, but then decided this would make her look too defensive.

Ms. Byland arrived exactly at the scheduled time. She was neatly dressed as she always was at school. After a bit of friendly informal conversation Ms. Byland got right to the point.

"How long has McKenzie been dressing secretly as a girl?"

"You saw him at Bryce Canyon, didn't you? I really would appreciate if you would respect our privacy- what you saw was totally away from school."

"Mrs. Clark, I am trying to help."

"Help?"

"I have been suspecting something like this for a long time. I have known McKenzie since grade school and have seen that he has been repressing his feelings. You could always tell when his father was back from deployment because McKenzie would become even more withdrawn than usual. Recently he has been acting like he is hiding a guilty secret - that's not healthy."

I looked at Mom and could see nervous anxiety. "I'm sorry."

"McKenzie, never apologize for who you are. The McKenzie I see here is Santa Carla is always shy and trying to hide something. Last week at the Visitor Center I saw a stylishly dressed, attractive, self confident girl. She was animated, happy, and enthusiastic. Her appearance and body language was that of a leader who people want to have as a friend. I think the at Bryce Canyon I saw the real McKenzie for the first time." She paused and looked right at me. When I nodded in silent agreement she turned back to Mom. "At school McKenzie is happiest when he is around Kaylie's friends and the girls all accept him. When he is forced to be in an all-male setting he acts uncomfortable and withdraws. All the teachers notice this.

"Ms. Byland, I appreciate your trying to help. But please don't tell everyone about seeing McKenzie dressed as a girl in public."

"What concerns me is that keeping his real personality a secret is not good for McKenzie; People will respect him if he is honest first with himself. I am sure that the attractive, confident girl I saw in the national park would be accepted and popular here in Santa Carla."

"I absolutely can't let McKenzie parade around Santa Carla wearing a padded bra! This is a very conservative town."

"Mrs. Clark, or may I call you Carol?" Mom nodded. "People in this town have known for years that McKenzie is an extremely feminine boy. It's no secret, and it's not a big deal with most people."

"It will become a big deal if Sergeant Clark complains to Judge Coleman about how I am raising McKenzie. No matter what or how McKenzie feels inside I can't be seen as encouraging his acting like a girl. You can appreciate my concern -- the divorce proceedings are still before Judge Coleman."

"Judge Coleman is not as closed-minded as you seem to think."

"How do you know?"

"Judge Coleman is my second cousin. All the old families in town are intermarried. I talk to the judge at family gatherings all the time."

"Well, maybe he is progressive in his personal attitudes. I still don't want to take a chance."

"I respect your decision, but think you are being overly concerned." Ms. Byland turned toward me. "I want you to know that you come to me for help if you ever have a problem at school or elsewhere. I have no tolerance for discrimination or bullying. McKenzie, be who you really are, and be proud of it."

"Thanks. I may come and talk to you after class sometime."

"Anytime." Then she smiled. "You know, I would be delighted if the girl I saw at Bryce Canyon was the McKenzie that graduated from high school in a few years."

After Ms. Byland left Mom sat in the living room a long time. I decided it was best to leave her alone, and I went to bed early.

************
I was anxious to do anything possible to become more feminine while waiting in the closet. StacyLyn's biological father "Aunt Jessica' had emphasized doing things properly if I wanted good medical care, but she had also hinted at some 'grey therapy' approaches. One alternative therapy I had learned about was that 'excessive' use of lavender oil products sometimes caused slight breast development in boys. That sounded delightful. I started using my spare allowance money to buy anything and everything I could find over the counter that contained lavender oils: lotions, soaps, shampoo. Kaylie was with me on most of these shopping trips and sort of knew what results I was hoping for.

"So you think that using all this stuff is going to give you boobs? Why don't you just use tape and padding like Jessica taught you?"

"I read that this stuff can cause actual development in some cases. Maybe it will work for me too."

"How about other herbal treatments?"

"Like what?"

We were in the health and nutrition section of the drugstore." Well, this one is supposed to help women with hot flashes, maybe it can boost your estrogen too." She was definitely looking for something more. "Here it is 'Ultimate Breast Enhancer Formula!' Just the thing for you."

"I don't want to upset Mom by buying THAT in public."

"OK, I'll buy it and you can pay me back later. I'm a REAL girl and the clerk with think it's for me."

To my disappointment the lavender and phytoestrogens didn't work any magic. Actually my expectations were so high that I was not giving my self-medication credit. One evening I was wearing a rather tight girl-cut tee shirt when Aunt Karen took notice.

"McKenzie, turn so I can see your profile. Carol, look this is marvelous. Your little girl is starting to develop."

I blushed as Mom stood next to Aunt Karen and examined my figure. There was actually a little puffiness on my chest.

"McKenzie, I warned you about all the over-the-counter things you have been taking. Do you realize you are playing with fire? We have been trying to keep all this a secret and you have been trying to give yourself gycenomastia. What do you think a doctor will say if I have to take you in for a checkup or if you get sick?

"Don't worry so much Carol. Gycenomastia is becoming a more and more common medical condition these days. What with all the environmental chemicals around ..."

"I think McKenzie looks cute with those budding little boobs."

"Quiet, Kaylie! Let me talk to Carol in peace."

I was trying to sort all this out. Maybe I had already feminized more than I had thought. On the other hand Mom's reaction bothered me. She seemed to be having second thoughts about making me into a girl. I was getting more and more confused. I looked at Mom and Aunt Karen and decided this was as good a time as any to ask the question that had been bothering me.

"I need to understand what is going on. Will you two answer some important questions?"

"Of course, dear."

"Aunt Karen, why did you ever suggest my dressing like a girl on that first trip to Bryce Canyon? I enjoyed what happened, but I have never understood why you thought it was a good idea."

"McKenzie, I have known you since you were born. Even when you were a toddler you showed interest in girls' things. You probably have forgotten the doll you loved to play with, or the way you cried when your father found it and threw it out. I could see how happy you were whenever you had a chance to play in a girl role. But, as you got older I saw you struggling to suppress your feminine side in response to demands from your father. When Jared Clark was home he pushed you to be tough and do what he thought of as manly, and you always ended up upset and crying in your room. I could see the tragedy developing but there was little I could do."

I looked at her and nodded in agreement.

"I always felt that you would be happier if you were a girl, and I read a lot about gender identity in children. Carol and I talked a lot about this, but your mother was afraid of your father and his reaction. When your father asked for a divorce I saw an opening. I was sure that all you needed was a little push to send you on a path of discovering your real self."

I was misty-eyed by now. "Mom, do you want me to be a girl or not? Sometimes you seem delighted with having a daughter, but other days you seem to be discouraging me."

"I want you to be happy now and grow up to be happy and successful in whatever you choose. I am ..., how can I say this..., I"

"Carol, share with McKenzie the conversation we had last week."

"If you truly want to become a girl I will help you become one."

"Then why do you sometimes seem upset when I do things like try herbal treatments?"

"I just don't want anything to interfere with the custody issues. You don't want the court to demand that you spend half the year living with him do you? Or what if he insisted that you be sent to a military -prep boarding school? If I get the court to award me have full custody then he cannot interfere if I allow you to voluntarily transition into a girl. Until then we have to be very careful. "

The possibility of having to live with my oppressive father never crossed my mind. The idea sent shivers up my spine. Demands to play tackle football, go hunting and target shooting, hanging around the motorcycle park with his beer drinking buddies -- those where the things had happened during his times at home between deployments. I couldn't imagine facing months of this without Mom around was terrifying.

"I think I understand. You are willing to let me become a girl, but only after the judge makes the custody decision."

"McKenzie, you mother and I will be delighted to do everything we can to make you into a girl. Carol and I agree we have to wait until the time is right."

***************
I knew that puberty was fast approaching. The stuff they had talked about in health class seemed disgusting. I wanted no part of deep voice, beard, hairy chest, or big muscles. Kaylie had been right; I would have been much happier if I could have gone into the other classroom and attended the girls' session on puberty even if I didn't have the right plumbing.

Kaylie and I still spent a lot of time together after school. I appreciated her accommodating my dressing even though it meant that it limited her ability to invite other girls over. Obviously she couldn't have guests when I was in girl-mode at her place. One afternoon we had taken a break from our homework and were listing to music and singing along with the recordings. We were doing a rendition of a song by a female singer and I suddenly noticed trouble hitting the highest notes. I considered myself a good singer and had never had this problem before. I was scared.

That night I took a shower then carefully examined my body. I was sure I was seeing more and darker hairs than even a few months ago. I went to the guest bedroom and got the magnifying mirror I used when practicing with makeup and looked closely at my face. Thin fuzz was apparent where I had never seen it before.

The next evening I was wearing more feminine after school clothes than usual while I helped Mom in the kitchen. I sensed the Mom was in a good mood for a serious conversation, and she had just complemented me on how pretty I looked. I had been rehearsing what I was going to say all day, and I took this sign of accepting the girl McKenzie as a good omen.

"Mom, we need to talk about ... puberty. You know ... uhh ... the stuff they talk about in health class. Male secondary characteristics and all that." I had lost my carefully planned lines,

"OK. Let's sit down and talk."

We went into the living room and sat down close to each other on the sofa.

"I think I know what you want to talk about, You have mentioned many times how much you dread the idea of growing up as a man."

"Yes, I told you at Bryce Canyon that I do not want to grow up as ..."

"McKenzie, I love you, But, right now there isn't a lot I can do. The custody decision isn't final."

"Jessica suggested we go the clinic in California. She assured us that they know how to keep things confidential."

"That still is a big risk. Look how many close calls we have had."

"Mom, I think my voice is already starting to change. I can see more hair growing all over. I can't be a convincing pretend girl much longer. Jessica kept telling us that 'younger is much easier.' I don't want to have to try to undo all the awful things that testosterone will do to me." I started crying.

"McKenzie, dear, I know how you feel."

McKenzie has declared that he does not want to grow up to be a man. Signs of puberty appear and McKenzie begs Mom to schedule a visit to the clinic Jessica recommended. Will McKenzie get past the gatekeepers? Kaylie's remarks and McKenzie's increasing femininity lead to harassment incidents at school.

Gatekeepers and Harassment

Santa Carla is typical Utah small town where gossip spreads like wildfire and Mom has been terrified that my dressing as a girl could become an issue in the divorce and custody decision. As a result I she has insisted that I be closeted with only a small circle, Aunt Karen, cousin Kaylie, my friend StacyLyn, and StacyLyn's immediate family, knowing the full truth about me. The experience of going to back Bryce Canyon on spring break and openly presenting as a girl had been empowering. Away from home I had the marvelous experience of being a girl in the anonymity of a national park. The goal of the trip had been for me to meet StacyLyn's transgendered father 'Aunt Jessica."

Unfortunately one of my teachers, Ms. Byland, had also been visiting Bryce Canyon at the same time and had seen me in wearing a very provocative feminine outfit at the visitor center. The next week she came over to our house for a conversation with Mom. Ms. Byland expressed concern about my secretiveness, and said people in Santa Carla would respect me if I were open and honest about my femininity. Mom felt that my coming out now was too much of a risk, and was especially concerned because Ms. Byland was a relative of Judge Coleman.

In the last few weeks I had started noticing the onset of puberty. Trouble hitting high notes when singing, and hair in places where I used to have none were terrifying signs. Earlier this evening I had an intense talk with Mom about my concerns over approaching puberty.

**************
After talking with Mom about puberty I went to bed afraid that she was not going to be able to help me in time. I thought about Stacy's 'Aunt Jessica' and the struggles she had to make to look presentably female: the effort she put into speaking softly and gently to mask her deep voice; the heavy makeup she wore to hide the texture of her skin; the nail extensions that pulled attention away from her thick fingers. I wanted to grow up looking like a genetic woman, not a tranny. On the other hand, Jessica seemed to be accepted for who she is now by her current circle of friends. Jessica had talked to me at length about gender treatment options and emphasized how wonderful her support community was. I fell asleep troubled and confused.

When I came home from school the next day Mom seemed a bit agitated. She told me to hurry up and change to my after school clothes then we would talk. I tried to hurry, but I didn't rush. I felt that for this conversation I needed to look as much as a girl as possible. I picked my most heavily padded bra, not a sports bra like I normally wore around the house, and put on a skirt, not my usual jeans. I carefully brushed my hair, put in a couple of barrettes, and even applied a light touch of makeup. When I came back into the living room I saw she had some road and city street maps on the coffee table. She checked out my appearance as I walked in with my best hip swing.

"McKenzie, I had a long talk with Aunt Karen and she convinced me that we need to take the risk and go the clinic that Jessica recommended."

I threw my arms around her. "Thank you."

"I called the clinic and they said you needed a professional referral before they schedule an appointment. I called Jessica and she gave me the name of a transgender-care clinical social worker who will interview you by phone tomorrow. Come home right after school. With the time zone difference it will still be working hours where she is."

Jessica had warned me about professionals who acted as gatekeepers. Fortunately the tone of the call indicated that this social worker was very sympathetic. She explained that she always preferred to interview in person, but understood my situation with travel. After asking a lot of personal questions she told me to write a 'why I feel I am a girl' personal essay and email it to her for the files. She also asked for some photos of me both in my boy school clothes and as a girl.

As soon as I finished the phone call I sent a message to StacyLyn. An hour later I had an email from Jessica which started with 'be honest and truthful' then followed with a long list of buzz words that she recommended I work into the essay. I spent the rest of the evening working harder than I ever had on a school writing assignment.

The next night Mom and I spent a lot of time going through the photos she had on her computer. As we looked for the best ones to send I realized that Ms. Byland had been right. The pictures of me as a boy consistently showed someone whose body language and expression indicated shyness, withdrawal, and discomfort: arms crossed defensively, focus downward, standing away from the others. In contrast the pictures of me as a girl that she had taken at Bryce Canyon showed someone happy, confident, and close to her friends. Mom was hesitant to send the girl-mode pictures to a stranger, but I insisted that we needed to cooperate with the social worker. Besides the social worker had promised to treat everything as confidential.

Two days after emailing the essay and photos Mom told me that the social worker had sent a referral to the clinic recommending they see me as soon as possible.

This was fantastic. "Have you called the clinic yet?"

"Yes, they were will be able to see you in two weeks. You are just going to have to be a patient girl until then. I am just going to have you take an unexcused absence from school. I decided I did not even want to tell them I was taking you to a doctor's appointment. The less people know the better."

I hurried to my room and called Kaylie, then got on my computer and sent a message to StacyLyn. This was news to share. The rest of the evening my mind was on the upcoming clinic visit. I just knew things would work out.

*****************
For the trip to the clinic in California I wanted to be a feminine as possible in both external appearance and mental state. I had pressured Mom to help me get on puberty blockers, and I sure didn't want to mess things up in any way. During the waiting time before the clinic visit I tried to put my mind in 100% girl mode. I made a real effort to avoid doing anything masculine and spent my free time reading girls' magazines and chic-lit fiction. I must have packed and repacked a dozen times while waiting to leave. Kaylie was helpful with fashion tips and loaned me a few items. StacyLyn shared the excitement and kept sending me web links to helpful sites so I would know as much as possible before talking to the clinic. The day before I left I got a 'good luck' email from Jessica.

I was giddy with excitement when Mom ushered me into the car to leave. Even though it was before dawn she kept the garage door closed until I was safely in the car and shielded by the tinted back windows. The drive to California was uneventful and I spent the time alternating between homework and looking with envy at fashion magazines. I had a hard time thinking about school work given the prospect of getting medical help to prevent going into male puberty. After we were well away from Santa Carla Mom relaxed a bit. The occasional rest stops and restaurant lunch were my first opportunities since the spring break trip to Bryce Canyon to be in public as a girl. We arrived late, checked into a motel, and got to bed early so we could be up and to the clinic on time in the morning.

The clinic visit quickly became traumatic. Detailed interviews and medical histories were followed by a physical exam, blood samples, and more interviews. Everyone seemed professional but skeptical. It seemed they were asking the same questions over and over. Their attitude was making me nervous. There were interviews with the both me and Mom together and other interviews with each of us separately. Toward the end of the day Mom and I were ushered into the office of the clinic's medical director. I nervously sat down being careful to smooth my skirt underneath me and pull my knees together.

"Mrs. Clark, McKenzie Clark, good afternoon. I have gone through all the charts prepared by my staff today. According to the reports your presenting complaint was 'gender dysphoria and anxiety about onset of puberty.' Although McKenzie presents some of the well-recognized signs of being transgendered, I am frankly not convinced."

My heart sank. The clinic was not going to help me after all. Jessica warned me about doctors who claim to treat gender issues but instead play the all-powerful gatekeeper. But this was the clinic Jessica had recommended! I had not expected these people to be a roadblock. In my excitement since Mom made the appointment I never imagined the gate being slammed shut.

For what seemed like forever the doctor continued to comment on all the reasons why he was skeptical about my case: the recent onset of crossdressing coincident with my father's abandonment, the absence of extreme feminine self-expression at an early age. I had given honest answers to the interview questions. Now it seemed that all the efforts I had made over the years to please my father by trying to obey his demands to 'act like a man' were being used as evidence against me. The doctor expressed concern about my being closeted and Mom's secretiveness and said this made him suspect that my current behavior was more 'play acting' than real. In effect, my obeying Mom by not openly displaying femininity at school and around Santa Carla was more evidence against me.

"Moreover, cases like this require psychological evaluation over an extended period. We pride ourselves as being a leading clinic in transgender care and protect our reputation by being meticulous in evaluation of what is in the best interest of each patient. What I recommend is scheduling a complete follow-up evaluation once a year through high school. That will give us a much better basis for evaluating any possible ..."

Follow up next year? I couldn't wait that long. Every day I expected my voice to start changing. I tried to set these thoughts aside and listen to what the doctor was saying.

"... so there are a lot of possible directions for McKenzie. However, I do note that he is very concerned about going into male puberty in the near future. While I do not support rushing into transgender therapy I have also seen the devastating effects that body changes can have on an adolescent's mental health. I have noted McKenzie's attempts at self-medication with herbal and over-the-counter substances, and regard this as a high risk of progressing to black-market hormone therapy, a very dangerous practice. Also, gender confusion in teens often leads to tragedy, including suicide. As a doctor I have a duty to prevent harm ..."

I couldn't hold back any longer. "Doctor, are you going to help me or not?"

"Don't interrupt. Listen to what the doctor is saying."

The doctor looked at me with an expression of concern. "As I was saying, I want to prevent harm, and McKenzie is clearly at great risk. Fortunately, drugs are available that can delay puberty temporarily, and their effects are fully reversible. Stop taking the drugs and normal puberty begins, just delayed. In the future, and depending on further evaluation of your best interests, you can enter puberty under the control of either your own natural hormones, or under the control of prescribed cross-gender hormones. McKenzie, I am willing to consider drugs that can 'freeze' your development for a while and give you time to think before you have to make a permanent decision."

I took a deep breath of relief once I understood what he was saying. The clinic was going to help me after all. "Thank you," was all I could say.

"I am greatly concerned that you have not involved your usual physician at home. These drugs are powerful and require monitoring. I need you to promise to come back here next month. We will start with two powerful anti-androgens as pills. We can also put you on monthly injections of Lupron. Since your home doctor is not involved, you can get your blood test to monitor the effects of the drugs when you come for each monthly injection. It is best to think this over. If you want to start the injections come back tomorrow morning, tell the receptionist, and my nurse will take care of it. I will write the prescriptions now."

As we left Mom told me she was concerned about the need to make monthly trips back to the clinic and the cost of the drugs. This was obviously not something she could put on her medical insurance policy. We discussed my situation over dinner and she finally agreed to pay cash out of my college savings fund. We got the prescriptions filled at a pharmacy near the clinic the next morning then went to the clinic for my first injection.

I headed home with a sore behind and a lot of concern about Mom's willingness to continue making these clinic visits.

***********

Fortunately, the next month went quickly, and it was time for another visit to the clinic. Mom again expressed concern about the time and cost, but we went. The clinic personnel were efficient. I got a blood test and my next injection and we were back on our way home. Mom commented that this was a ridiculous amount of driving to get a shot. We talked about it a lot since we had plenty of time.

During the silences in the conversation I kept thinking back to a conversation I had with Aunt Karen several months ago. She told me that Mom was overly worried about custody and her emotions were getting in the way of her making sound decisions about me. Aunt Karen had also said that Mom had always been an insecure and indecisive person, and that she depended on her big sister Karen for advice. At the time I had not understood what Aunt Karen was getting at, but gradually it was starting to make sense.

As the miles went by I also thought back to the conversation I had with StacyLyn's 'Aunt Jessica' at Bryce Canyon. We had been talking about being closeted. Jessica told me that being partially or totally closeted was very common. One remark she made seemed to explain a lot about Mom and her concerns.

"A lot of feminine men sped their entire lives in the closet because they are terrified of the reactions of others if they came out. When young they worry about parents, siblings, and school mates. When older they worry about spouses, employers and neighbors. They use this fear as an excuse to avoid being true to their real selves."

The monthly trips to California continued for the rest of the school year, and it was getting harder to keep my situation hidden. The puberty blocking drugs meant that I continued to have a little-boy build and a high soprano voice. With each month that made me more of an outlier at school as the other boys in my class continued to mature on a normal schedule. My 'boy clothes' definitely included unisex and my pushing boundaries lead occasionally to frankly flamboyant choices. Between my appearance and the fact that I tended to hang out with Kaylie and her friends I was increasingly the target of both nasty comments and jokes that bordered on outright harassment.

A growing problem was that Kaylie wanted to also spend time with other girls. Once I started dressing Kaylie had dropped out of her dance class so she could be with me after school. I really appreciated that big favor. Kaylie's need to spend time doing girl things with her friends left me with two choices: be in girl-mode but lonely at home, or dress as a boy and hang out as much as possible with Kaylie and her friends. What I really wanted was to just be another girl who did fun things with her friends. For now I had to be patient.

**************
One afternoon Kaylie and I were walking back across the athletic field after gym class when we passed some of the older girls practicing cheerleader routines. They looked amazing with their shapely but muscular bodies wearing tight short-shorts and sports bras. My emotional reaction to their appearance was envy and not sexual attraction. Kaylie must have read my mind.

"I bet you wish you could wear an outfit like that."

"Quiet, we are at school."

"Come on, don't you want a nice pony tail and bouncy breasts?

Just then I noticed two boys following us close enough to overhear Kaylie. One was the Gary, the son of the ultra conservative, traditional family values gadfly Mrs. Russica. The other was Greg Coleman. I wasn't sure how he was related to the judge, but all the Colemans in town descended from a single pioneer family.

"Does pretty little McKenzie want to be a girl?"

We ignored them and kept walking.

"I bet McKenzie is going to try out for cheerleading, there is no way he could make the team in a boy sport."

"He'd look cute in a short skirt."

"McKenzie, can you wiggle your behind a bit more when you walk?"

After a few more taunts Gary grabbed my arm from behind. Fortunately one of the teachers was near by.

"Gary Russica, you know this school has a no harassment policy. Get away from them."

Kaylie and I headed into the school building. I was afraid to go into the boy's locker room to change but had no choice. I rushed in and out, then headed to class. That evening Kaylie and I had a serious talk.

"I'm sorry about what happened today."

"Kaylie, you need to be careful what you say at school.

"You know my teasing is all in fun. I like you and like your girl side too. Sometimes I just can't stop myself from saying something I think is funny."

"But those boys overheard your stupid comment after gym class, and look what almost happened. You know how concerned Mom is about community rumors. Gary's mother is always writing letters to the editor and posting on blogs, and Greg is a Coleman."

"I said I'm sorry. I'll be more careful from now on. Promise."

We shook hands. I decided that was too masculine a gesture and pulled her into a hug.

***********
One good thing did come out of the harassment incident -- it gave me the courage to suggest something daring to Mom. Kaylie had been talking about doing the school's cheer camp during the summer then trying out for the team in the fall. I knew this was something she wanted, but also knew it would mean I would have less time to spend as a girl with her and have more time girl time sitting at home alone. Eventually I realized that if people at school already considered me a big sissy then it would not be any worse if I took dance or cheerleading lessons with Kaylie. After all, there are male dancers and cheerleaders around.

Ms. Byland was the coach for cheer camp and she told me that if I ever needed help at school I should talk to her. When I approached her about the idea of my doing cheer camp over the summer break she was immediately supportive.

"It would be really good for you. You could do something fun with the girls and get some good exercise and movement training too. I promise I would never, never, mention your dress up activities or put you in any embarrassing situations."

Mom was reluctant, but I persisted. Finally she agreed that allowing me to do cheer was not out of line with contemporary parenting even though there had never been any boy cheerleaders at our particular school. Ms. Byland finally made the convincing argument to her.

"Carol, there are lots of cheer teams with boys on them, and most cheer competitions have coed divisions. There were several boys on the cheer squad with me in college so I know how to handle it. When the routine gets too girly you just have the boys move to the back and shout into the megaphones. I can always give McKenzie some substitute choreography if a dance routine involves too much hip movement."

Mom agreed but had real concerns. I was delighted and started looking forward to the summer break. Kaylie and Aunt Karen were totally enthusiastic.

"It will be fun to do something girly together. I promise I will not laugh at your wearing pants when the rest of us put on our cute short skirts."

"Kaylie, I asked you to be careful what you say, especially at school! Besides, cheer is athletic, not girly"

The first few days of cheer camp went well. Many of the girls were Kaylie's friends. I had been hanging out with them (as a boy) for years, so I fit right in with that crowd. There were a few other girls who were a bit uncomfortable with a boy doing the cheer exercises along with them, but most of them quickly got used to it. Brittany Benson was a hold out.

"Look, when cheerleaders perform in public the men and boys are way off in the distance. You were standing right behind me when we started that last routine, and your nose ended up inches from my butt when we all bent over."

Kaylie intervened. "Come on, McKenzie isn't like all horny around girls."

"Yeh, he hangs out with us all the time and is always well-behaved," added one of her friends.

After a few days of cheer camp some problems with my body quickly became apparent. Most of the girls had already started to develop wider hips and had the flexibility to do the splits. Some men can do the splits too, but it takes them a lot more time to work up to that much flexibility. My legs were always well off the ground and my back knee was bent when Ms. Byland asked us to drop down into splits.

The other body problem was that the and the anti-androgens prescribed by the clinic in California seemed to enhance the effects of all the lavender oil products I had been indulging in. The combination of suppressing testosterone and taking herbal estrogen-mimics had started to give me a noticeable amount of puffiness on my chest. Looking in the mirror I realized that this meant I looked a bit funny if I put on a really tight thin shirt. But, if I wore a loose shirt I tended to bounce a lot, and after several hours of running and jumping in cheer routines I developed definite irritation on my nipples. I was sort of embarrassed by this, but decided I could talk with Kaylie about anything.

"Well, wearing a sports bra like the rest of us would solve your problem."

"You know I can't do that!"

"OK, then wear two shirts. Put a really tight stretch bicycling shirt on first, then a loose t-shirt on over it. The bike shirt will tuck into your pants and not look like the support bra it is substituting as. The t-shirt will cover up your figure. "

Kaylie's suggestion worked. By the third week of cheer camp I was really getting into the routines and had memorized a lot of neat choreography. We were jogging back from the field for lunch when I noticed Gary Russica and Greg Coleman with a bunch of other boys at the edge of the field. Kaylie and I had taken extra time stretching at the end of the practice session and were lagging a little behind the rest of the girls.

"Let's catch up with the others."

Suddenly the crowd of boys had surrounded me and had pushed Kaylie aside. I looked around for help but the girls were heading through the gate toward the parking lot.

"Is McKenzie practicing to be a girl?"

"Let's teach McKenzie a cheerleader toss"

With that a couple of the boys grabbed me by the waist and violently threw me up into the air. Even though we had not advanced that far in the camp curriculum I knew that proper cheer tosses take preparation, coordination, timing, and are done with a spotter. As soon as my feet left the ground I knew I was in big trouble. I had been launched into an uncontrolled spin. I saw I was going to land head down just before I lost consciousness.

As I was being lifted into the ambulance I heard Ms. Byland say, "You will be all right. I called Dr. Coleman, and he will meet you at the hospital."

Coleman ... Coleman ... in my foggy brain I couldn't remember what that name meant to me.

Crisis Time
McKenzie has a double crisis. Harassment at summer cheer camp has left McKenzie injured and on the way to the hospital. There will be no way to avoid a full physical examination by the family doctor, who is also a brother of the Family Court judge who is scheduled to make a final divorce and custody ruling in a few weeks.

**********
Crisis Time

A lot has happened since my first experience as a girl hiking on the Fairyland Trail in Bryce Canyon National Park. Well over a year ago Father asked for a divorce so he could marry his military girlfriend. The more I thought about him the more disgusted I got. Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark was a classic military man, aggressive, gung-ho, tough, and expecting me to grow up to be just like him. While growing up I had wanted no part of this, and had been glad when his short visits home ended with another deployment. The last thing either Mom or I wanted now was for him to have any continued involvement in my life. Mom had expected the divorce to be final sooner, but apparently Father was causing things to slow things down by asking for schedule changes and extensions. All this time Mom’s insecure personality has made her terrified about community gossip causing issues in the divorce and custody process that was pending in Judge Coleman's court. Aunt Karen and Ms. Byland have been far less concerned, and even suggested that I would be better off being open about my femininity.

When signs of puberty emerged I had persuaded Mom to take me to the clinic recommended by StacyLyn's father, Aunt Jessica, and I was now on blocking drugs. My little-boy build, my always hanging out with girls, and my attending summer cheer camp made me the target of a lot jokes and taunting school. Toward the end of the summer I had been assaulted by a group of boys at the edge of the practice field.

**********
As the ambulance headed toward the hospital the EMT explained that I was strapped to a backboard with a foam collar around my neck since the way I hit the ground made a spinal injury possible. That meant that all I could do was stare upward and think. I could now remember being grabbed by the boys and being tossed into the air in an uncontrolled spin. I wondered what kind of undershorts I had put on this morning. For school I wore boy briefs, but sometimes for summer cheer camp I put on a pair of smooth tight-fitting panties with no fly. I was too confused to remember. As my mind cleared I realized there was no way to avoid a physical examination by our family doctor who was totally unaware of my visits to the transgender-care clinic in California.

On arrival at the hospital I was rushed into X-ray then was taken to an examining room where a nurse did a preliminary evaluation. I was told Mom was on her way. In a few minutes Dr. Coleman came in and began a full head-to-toe examination. He was calm and professional and his bedside manner was very reassuring. After a while he looked at the x-rays again and told the nurse that the spinal restraints could come off. He left for a few minutes then came back.

“McKenzie, it appears you have had a mild concussion and some severe bruises, but nothing that won’t heal in a few days. You will be fine for the start of school next week. You know, I haven’t seen you for some time, so I really need to update your medical history. Let’s go over all the prescription drugs and over-the-counter medications you are taking.”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes, before I prescribe anything for your pain I need to be sure there will be no adverse interactions with anything else you are taking. Try to remember everything.”

I mentioned aspirin and a few vitamins.

“McKenzie, it is important for you health and safety that I have complete information. I sense that you are being evasive. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

I bit my lip and said nothing.

“I think we need to talk about something. I have noticed that your physical development is not what would be expected for a boy your age. Is this related to what you are concerned about?”

“Would you mind closing the door?”

Dr. Coleman had been our family doctor for years and was someone I had completely trusted when I was younger. Now he was clearly aware that something was wrong and seemed determined to get all the information. Slowly my answers became less evasive and I sensed that talking to him about my gender issues was the right thing to do. He kept reassuring me that whatever I said would be kept confidential and I believed him.

Finally I seemed to have answered all Dr. Coleman's questions to his satisfaction.

"McKenzie, you made the right decision in telling me the truth. I promise to treat this as confidential, but it would be best if you gave me permission to discuss what you told me with your mother."

"Permission?"

"Yes, you are old enough to make certain medical decisions about yourself. Doctors frequently deal with teenage issues related sexuality including venereal disease, need for contraception, and unplanned pregnancy. Many times teenagers are afraid to talk to their parents, and much harm would result if they could not turn to a trusted medical professional. Professional ethics and the patient privacy laws insure that a doctor can act in the patient's best interests even when teenagers do not want to involve their parents.

"But, involving parents almost always helps, and is something I recommend except in cases of neglect or abuse. I understand your reasons for keeping this from your father. Your mother already knows about your gender issues, I am only asking your permission to let her know we have had this conversation."

"OK, when she gets here you can talk to her."

Mom nearly fainted when she discovered that I had told Dr. Coleman about my closeted dressing as a girl, my attempts to self-treat with over-the-counter herbals, and my traveling to California to get puberty blockers. "McKenzie, this is awful."

"No, Mrs. Clark, discussing these issues openly with your family doctor is something that is best for McKenzie. I wish you had involved me earlier. I would have been willing to help before, and I am willing to help now. There is no need to drive to ten hours for a monthly blood test and injection. With your permission I can work with the clinic to take care of the routine monthly visits in my office and can exchange information with them so that the gender-care specialists can provide oversight."

"But, what about your brother, Judge Coleman."

"First, I respect patient confidentiality. Second, having psychological tendencies that differ from gender norms is not illegal. I regard McKenzie as having a medical condition that needs to be addressed. Third, my brother and I respect our professional boundaries. I do not discuss patients with him, and he does not discuss pending cases with me."

I don't know if Mom believed Dr. Coleman or not. She did not say a word on the way home. She seemed to be in a daze and driving on autopilot. When we got back home Aunt Karen and Kaylie were already there and they helped me get into bed. The pain reliever that the doctor gave me put me right to sleep.

**************
Mom's concerns increased when she got another call from the court-appointed custody evaluator. It appeared that my father was now raising the issue about my 'proper upbringing' and had asked for an investigation into why I was being harassed at school. The custody social worker would have to do another home-visit report for the judge.

Mom emphasized how important it was to show I was 'normal and healthy' in spite of my recent visit to the hospital after the injury. I carefully checked my room for any stray girl items before the social worker visit. For the interview I put on the most masculine clothes I still owned. To cover up my noticeable gynecomastia I put on a really tight tee shirt the compressed my chest and covered that with a heavy loose-fitting tee shirt, then a heavy outer shirt. I combed my hair into something boyish, and resolved to put on a credible performance. No ankles crossed, no knees together, no hands folded in my lap mistakes this time.

The social worker visit happened without incident, as best as I can tell. She did quick walk though of the house with a checklist that was basically building code and health issues - making sure Mom was housing me in acceptable conditions. Then we went through interviews with me individually and with me and Mom together. She was very reserved and professional in her manner, unlike last time she did not give much of a hint as to her thinking.

Afterwards Mom came out of the bathroom with a padded bra hanging from her finger. "I thought you checked carefully. I hope she did not notice this. She wouldn't have believed it if I said it was something Kaylie had left."

*******
Finally, the family court hearing date arrived. The lawyers had submitted their briefs to the judge, and all the court-requested reports had been filed. I convinced myself everything would work out, but Mom was incredibly worried. She kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Everything that could possibly affect Judge Coleman's opinion of her as a parent was cause for concern. Aunt Karen did her best to calm Mom down but it didn't help much.

To go to the courthouse I dressed up in my 'school best' boy clothes. Mom told me that I needed to be well dressed in court, judges expected that. Well outwardly I presented as a boy, but Kaylie convinced me that wearing 'something special' underneath would help my luck. I am not superstitious, but I took her advice anyway. I picked out my prettiest pair of panties, the pink lace-trimmed ones that were cut high on the legs and put them on. Then, just in case, I covered them with a pair of my white boxer shorts. Aunt Karen and Kaylie went with us to the hearing and sat next to me on the hard wooden benches. Mom and her lawyer, a very business-like young woman, were seated at a table up in front of the judge. Father's lawyer was alone at the other table. I was relieved to see that my father had not shown up when the time came for the bailiff to call for all to rise as the judge entered. Not having Father there would certainly not strengthen any arguments on his behalf. I sort of listened as the judge and the lawyers exchanged formal comments that really did not make much sense to me. I guess this is how courts work. Finally Judge Coleman picked up a paper and started to read a long series of legal items one after another. What I remember is when he got to the part about me.

"... and further, I award Carol Clark with sole and exclusive custody of the child, McKenzie Clark, as this court finds maternal custody to be in the best interests ..."

Finally! What Mom and her lawyer had been advocating for months was now approved by the judge. Kaylie put her arm around me in congratulations, and Aunt Karen whispered that she had never doubted that this would happen in the end. Mom had her back to me but I could feel the happiness radiating from her posture.

The judge concluded the official hearing. He stated we were now off the record but that he had some personal remarks to make to us. Father's lawyer asked if he could be excused, then packed up his papers and headed out without even looking at us. Judge Coleman watched him leave.

"I make these remarks in open court so neither party can accuse me of favoritism. Mr. Clark's lawyer chose to leave, and that probably makes things more comfortable for you anyway."

He continued by telling us how he felt it was really important for judges to make contribution to society by helping people deal with difficult issues in their lives. He remarked that he felt he had been able to make a difference today and wished us all well. All this seemed like polite, patriarchal advice. But what came next was totally unexpected.

"I went to a law school at a very liberal university and always have considered myself to have progressive attitudes. Judges and lawyers need to take continuing education, and this year I attended a session organized by the Lambda Defense Fund. That session really opened my eyes to contemporary issues of gender diversity and the legal needs of sexual minorities.

"As you may already know, the issue of McKenzie's feminine behaviors was brought up both in the brief submitted by Jared Clark's lawyer and by the social worker reports. Actually, in a small town like Santa Carla everyone has known about this for a long time."

I noticed that Mom's lawyer nodded in agreement. Mom looked surprised by the judge's remarks. I wondered where this was all leading and what it meant for me.

"The brief filed by Sergeant Clark read like a selfish tirade about traditional roles and said nothing expressing concern about McKenzie's well-being. I would not have given much weight to Mr. Clark's claim that McKenzie was being unduly influenced even before the gender law seminar. But now I understand, better than ever, that personality is a complex thing -- influenced by both genetics and environment. McKenzie needs to grow up to be the person he is comfortable being, nothing else.

"McKenzie, if you feel you need to express your feminine side I want you to do it openly and with confidence. I do not know if you will ultimately consider yourself straight or gay. You may grow up to be stereotypically male, a heterosexual cross-dresser, or you may decide you are transgendered and chose to become a woman. Yes, I said 'transgendered', because that is what actually I suspect from the social worker reports. No one actually put that in writing, but I can read between the lines. Whatever you become, I want society and the courts to protect your legal rights.

"Alternative forms of gender expression are not illegal, even if they sometimes disturb more traditional members of the community.

"What happened to you at cheer camp was totally unacceptable. Since the perpetrators are legal minors the school officials and juvenile court will need to sort out what happened and what needs to be done in response. However, if you ever find yourself threatened, harassed, or denied your civil rights, especially by any adult, you are encouraged to petition this court for judicial relief. I am proud that this court can serve as a protector of diversity in the Santa Carla community."

I was speechless. Mom's lawyer spoke up. "Thank you, Your Honor."

With that Judge Coleman got up and left.

This was unbelievable. The judge had known about me all along and was not disturbed about the very things that Mom had tried so hard to keep secret! Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie, and I rushed into a group hug as soon as Judge Coleman closed the door to his chambers. The bailiff reminded us to be quiet so we would not disturb proceedings in the adjacent rooms, but we were all so excited that we had a hard time controlling ourselves. We headed out to the courthouse parking lot that was blistering hot from the desert sun. As we started the car to get the air conditioner running we saw Judge Coleman heading to his car in a sport shirt and the over-the-knee shorts that are popular with men in Utah. I guess this is how he kept from overheating under that heavy black robe.

"You see Carol, there was nothing to worry about after all. Judge Coleman seems to have known more about McKenzie than I ever expected, but he did not consider McKenzie's femininity a problem."

"How was I to know?"

"Mom, does this mean I can come out of the closet finally?"

"It's wonderful that Judge Coleman is so open minded. Now we have to see how the rest of the community reacts to your feminine side, McKenzie."

"Let's go to the mall. It's air conditioned there and we can have lunch then do some shopping for the new girl in the family. I can't wait to see everyone's face when McKenzie and I show up at school in matching skirts."

"Quit teasing, Kaylie. Let me just enjoy what has happened."

Coming Out In Public The custody decree is final and Mom no longer has to worry about interference from McKenzie’s father. Aunt Karen suggests they use the afternoon mall visit as a coming-out experience, and this causes a range of reactions from the small-town community.

Finally, the big question of custody has been resolved. I had been dressing as a girl in secret for almost two years since we took the 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon. This trip was right after Mom received the message that Father wanted a divorce. My support network of Aunt Karen, cousin Kaylie, StacyLyn and her biological father, Jessica, had helped me along on my personal journey toward femininity. Of course the biggest help was Mom getting me to a gender-care clinic where I got my prescriptions for puberty blocking drugs.

Mom thought that was Santa Carla a conservative, closed-minded town, and she had insisted I stay closed while the divorce and custody were pending. She had been terrified that my feminine interests would become public, and was really concerned that community gossip would be used as evidence that she was an inadequate parent, and justify allowing Father to retain some say in my upbringing. Aunt Karen had told me that Mom’s concern about the custody process was due to her insecure and indecisive personality. Aunt Karen, Ms. Byland my teacher and cheer coach, and eventually our family doctor all felt that I should be open about my identity. As it turned out, Judge Coleman already knew a lot about my feminine side, but was very very open minded about gender diversity. The Judge indicated that he suspected from the social worker reports I was transgendered, and told me that whoever I grew up to be I should be open and proud of it. I hadn't needed to be closeted after all. Now I wanted to take advantage of my new freedom.

***********

We headed from the courthouse straight to the Red Desert Mall. On the way I took my cell phone and sent a text message to StacyLyn with the exciting news. Aunt Karen and Kaylie were bubbling with excitement about my future. Mom was just relieved that it was all over and nothing had gone wrong.

"Judge Coleman was amazing. I would never have imagined that a rural, small-town judge would be so knowledgeable about gender issues and so accepting of diversity. He certainly did not fit my expectations."

"Carol, I told you there was nothing to worry about. What we also learned is that McKenzie's personality has not been a secret in this town. Remember that Ms. Byland commented that all the teachers have noticed that McKenzie is more comfortable hanging out with the girls. There is an old saying the 'movement never lies' and McKenzie's posture and body language have been giving a message even when you have insisted on strictly boy clothes in public."

"Yeh, McKenzie always acts just like a girl around my friends. I wonder what they will think about him, or her, now."

"I think we should all agree to use female pronouns for McKenzie from now on. She's not going to be a boy any longer," said Aunt Karen as we pulled into the mall parking lot.

We headed to the food court and I deliberately picked a 'weight watcher' special of salad with chicken and a diet drink. The blockers were keeping me from growing much, and sure did not want to become chubby. Kaylie had found an empty table in a quiet corner where we could talk. In a few minutes we had all made our purchases and sat down.

Aunt Karen opened the conversation. "Well McKenzie, are you ready to join us girls full time? And Carol, are you ready let McKenzie become completely a girl in public?"

I couldn't believe she said something like this in a mall food court. I glanced around to be sure no one was listening before answering with an enthusiastic 'yes.'

Aunt Karen noticed how I checked the area before answering. "McKenzie, if you are going to become a girl you have to be willing to say so openly and honestly in front of anyone. Remember the advice Judge Coleman gave you this morning. Be yourself and be proud of it."

"McKenzie, dear, I know we have talked about this many times. I would be delighted to have you become my daughter, but are you totally sure that is what you want?"

"Yes, I'm sure." We all held hands around the table in a gesture of support.

"Given what Judge Coleman said, I think we need to figure out how to announce to the community that McKenzie is now a girl. We need to get the news out ourselves before any rumors get started. Being open about this is the best way to deflect criticism from bigots and my ex's friends."

"Agreed, it's time McKenzie comes out of the closet, and we need to be dramatic about it. Let's use this afternoon to start the process. Openly taking her to a beauty salon then going shopping for girls’ clothes is a way to make a real statement. You may have arrived here as a boy but I want to see my pretty niece leave the mall. Are you ready?" Seeing me nod agreement she continued. "This is going to be a marvelous experience for you - a public makeover, my treat. Where would you like to start, hair, nails, or lingerie?"

Finally I had to say something. "I expected this would be my last trip to the mall as a boy."

"Why wait, let's start shopping for my girl cousin. I think McKenzie should get her ears pierced. That way we can share earrings, not just clothes."

"That’s a nice suggestion, Kaylie. McKenzie, what do you think about starting with a symbolic 'permanent change?' The jewelry store over there does piercing."

"But I'm dressed as a boy." As soon as I said this I realized my mistake. I was out of the closet now.

"So what? Some boys wear earrings too. Besides, you will not look like a boy by the time you leave this mall today."

"It will be fun," Aunt Karen added.

I looked around with both appreciation and apprehension. Finally Mom was going to let me come out of the closet, but she was letting Aunt Karen make a public spectacle of it. We took our lunch remains over to the food court trashcan, and headed to my first public transitioning adventure.

We had barely started to admire the earring displays when the store manager came over. I immediately recognized her as Heather, who had grown up in our neighborhood. She had just finished college and moved back to Santa Carla.

"Hello, Heather, its so nice to see you are back in town," said Aunt Karen.

"It's great to be back here away from the big city congestion. What can I do for you today?"

Mom spoke first. "We decided to get McKenzie's ears pierced. Both sides low on the earlobe just like Kaylie's."

Heather gave me a look-over. "I certainly know how to do that. Let's get him a nice starter set."

In a whirl I was seated in the chair. Mom, Aunt Karen and Kaylie gathered around as Heather made a pen mark on each ear and stepped back to check that they were even. Suddenly I felt a sharp stab first on one side, then the other. Heather handed me a mirror so I could see the results.

"If you don't mind my saying so, those earrings really make McKenzie look very feminine."

"He wants his Mom to make him into a girl. Neat, huh?"

"Kaylie, remember we agreed to use female pronouns for McKenzie from now on," corrected Aunt Karen.

"Well," said Heather, "SHE certainly looks pretty with HER new earrings!"

"Well that wasn't so bad," said Mom as we headed back into the mall corridor. "Heather was totally accepting and supportive."

I checked my text messages. Sure enough, there was already a congratulations from StacyLyn and even a message from her 'Aunt Jessica.'

"How about a trip to the salon next?"

I didn't argue as we headed into the beauty salon where Kaylie and I had been getting our hair cut for some time.

"Pretty earrings," the receptionist greeted me. "What can we do for you today McKenzie? Your Aunt called a few minutes ago and told us to reserve some time for you."

Just then, Nancy, my usual stylist came up to the counter. "We decided it's time for McKenzie to get a totally feminine hair cut," said Aunt Karen. "Do you think you can come up with something?"

"Of course! I have been expecting this for months. Once McKenzie expressed regret about having so little hair, so I have been letting it get a bit longer with each cut. I have the perfect style in mind."

"McKenzie, was this another of your ways to 'sneak out of the closet' without my noticing?" asked Mom jokingly. "Will you also have time to do McKenzie's nails? We are trying to give her a makeover today."

"Leave it to me. So, what's going on with McKenzie?"

"Aunt Carol has custody and wants to make my cousin into a girl!"

"Neat. I bet its really McKenzie's idea and not entirely his, oops her, mom's. Well, let's get started. Carol Clark, you will be delighted with your daughter's hairstyle. Anything else for now?"

"Uhh ..., one other thing. We have been trying to figure out how to get the news out into the community and ..."

"And you want me to tell all my customers the McKenzie is becoming a girl? That will be the juiciest piece of gossip I have had to tell in ages. Of course I will be delighted to let the 'secret' out."

Nancy chatted as she worked. It seemed like she was totally supportive of my being a girl and even wondered why I had waited so long.

"McKenzie, you have always been more girl than boy. It's so exciting to see you become who you were really meant to be.

I left the salon with a bouncy hairstyle with bangs and a shape that framed my face. Nancy had also added an age-appropriate touch of makeup, bright red nails, and she assured me that the news about would soon be all over town. Looking at my face anyone would now see a girl, but I still had my boy shirt, pants, and shoes on. As we turned the corner we saw Mrs. Russica, the nosy neighbor who had confronted Mom in the supermarket. She stood back and looked me over from head to toe.

"Disgusting!" She turned had headed down the corridor. This gave me a bad feeling. I expected her to do more that just express verbal displeasure, but I wasn't sure what she intended.

"Don't let her upset you, dear. You are going to have to get used to the fact that some people will always be upset about your gender presentation. Jessica warned you about that."

"You know, my niece would look much better without that 'disgusting' shirt and pants. Let's get her something pretty."

Aunt Karen steered us into the large department store anchoring one end of the mall and headed for the teen girl section. Kaylie grabbed my hand and started pulling me thorough the racks of clothes.

"Finally you can try on whatever you want. Let's like shop until we drop."

We picked up a few items and headed for the dressing room together only to be confronted by a stern-looking sales assistant.

"And where do you think you are going, Mr. McKenzie Clark?"

Once again I was confronting someone who knew us. Small towns are like that.

Aunt Karen came to the rescue. "May we speak to the manager?"

After a few minutes of negotiation the manager acknowledged that according to the chain headquarters policy I was entitled to use the dressing room to try on a blouse and slacks. It seemed his agreement was somewhat reluctant, but at least I got to check that everything fit. Another crisis was past, at least for the moment.

"Let's go somewhere where we are more welcome," said Aunt Karen. "I checked the websites for a lot of the chain stores regarding diversity policies before we came here today. Sometimes local management is not as open-minded as the national office. Linda's Lingerie is a local store, and the owner is a friend. Let's go there next."

Suddenly I found myself heading into a women's intimates store. I had 'shadow shopped' with Kaylie in such places, but most of my girl underwear was items Mom had bought for me. Today I would be publicly shopping for myself.

Kaylie elbowed me as we entered. "You remember who Linda is? She was our third grade teacher before she left teaching to start this business. I wonder what she will think of you now?"

"Hello, Karen, Carol. It's so nice that you came in. What can I do for you ladies today?"

I braced myself for what I knew would come next.

"We need to get some bras for McKenzie. We are in the middle of a big transition."

"No problem, happy to accommodate all customers." Linda led us toward on the racks toward the back of the store. "You know this is not totally unexpected. I have watched McKenzie growing up and have always felt he should have been a girl. Remember, McKenzie how I kept trying to get you to play with the boys at recess without success?"

I guess hearing such comments from people who knew the boy McKenzie was something I would need to learn to deal with. "Well, now I have asked my Mom to let me become a girl."

With that she indicated I should raise my arms as she wrapped a tape measure under my armpits the around the fullest part of my chest. I am sure she noticed the puffiness that the testosterone inhibitors combined with the over-the-counter herbal treatments had helped me develop.

"It's so you, McKenzie." She sorted through the merchandise. "I think this padded bra will be perfect for you right now. Let's take you back to the fitting room. If the size is right I recommend you get several in different colors, and get the matching panties too."

As we checked out Linda paid me a wonderful compliment. "McKenzie, you were always meant to be a girl and now you have found the courage to become one. I wish you well." With a wink she added, "Come back to my shop as soon as soon as you need something with less padding."

"McKenzie can't wait to get real breasts! Right cousin?"

I spotted a couple of boys I knew from school heading towards us we left Linda's shop. Kaylie saw them too and she closed ranks with me walking between her and Mom.'

The boys stared at me as we passed and I heard one of them mutter, "I think I'd kill myself before I let someone do that to me."

"Ignore them," Aunt Karen said loudly.

As Aunt Karen predicted, I did not look at all like a boy by the time we left the mall. The clerk in the shoe store had been someone we did not know, and I am sure he wondered why a girl had come into the store wearing boys' shoes.

Mom was her usual inward-focused self on the drive home, but she said one thing really significant. "Tomorrow you can pack up your unneeded boy clothes and we will take them to the donation center."

"Yes Mom." It was so wonderful for her to be finally willing to let me do make a full-time change.

Our neighbors from across the street were working in their front yard as we pulled into our driveway. I am sure it was a deliberate choice that Mom stopped the car in front of the garage and did not open the overhead door and pull in as usual. Of course, this meant I had to get out in full view.

"Good evening Carol. And is that you, McKenzie?"

"You need to learn how to introduce your new self. Let's go over and talk to Mike and Glenda," said Mom.

The Pallaks, our neighbors, were totally cool about my altered appearance, and I got compliments on my hair and earrings.

"You know, we have noticed McKenzie hiding in the car when riding between here and you sister's place and wondered what the big secret was. We always felt McKenzie was more of a girl than boy anyway. It's nice to see the girl personality out in public today. Is this going to be permanent?"

"I hope so," I replied sincerely.

"Wonderful, it's great having another girl in the neighborhood that we can hire to do babysitting."

"She will needs some training, but I am sure she will learn fast," said Mom. "See you again soon."

I collapsed once we were inside the house. It had been an intense day.

***************
The next morning took a marker pen and drew a heavy line across the page in my diary. Above I printed 'Boy' and below in my neatest cursive script I wrote 'Girl.' It seemed fitting to mark the transition.

Next I started to take inventory of the previous day. Judge Coleman, Heather, my hair stylist, Linda at the lingerie shop, and the neighbors across the street has all been supportive and acted like they thought I should have been a girl all along. On the other hand the department store clerk had objected to my going into the women's' changing room and her manager had reluctantly followed corporate policy. Mrs. Russica was the only person who was openly hostile, but she could be my biggest problem because she was well known as a community activist for conservative causes.

I phoned StacyLyn and gave her a complete run down on the previous day - the court session, the conversation with Judge Coleman, the shopping trip, and the reaction of people who knew me. As usual she was totally supportive and friendly. All through our conversation I kept wondering if she really meant it when she said she liked 'girly boys' and what would change in our relationship as I became a full-time girl who had been born a boy. After all, her mother was not able to deal with her biological father's transition to Jessica. They remained friends with children in common, but were no longer a couple. Finally I asked her out right.

"Will you still be my friend if I become a girl full-time?"

"McKenzie, I think you will become an absolutely fascinating girl and do I want to stay your friend. OK?"

We talked for a long while about the upcoming school year and made plans for another fall break trip to Bryce Canyon so our families could again enjoy the outdoors together. We joked about how quickly she had read me that first day, and we fondly remembered the wonderful experiences we had hiking the Fairyland Trail.

Mom was in the kitchen when I got off the phone. She was again looking a bit stressed.

"What's wrong, Mom?"

“I was surfing the internet and decided to look at Mrs. Russica’s blog. After you got hurt she wrote a tirade complaining that her son and his friends were being subjected to a disciplinary investigation because a frail, uncoordinated sissy fell and hit his head. If she believes what she wrote she is delusional about what her son Gary did, and if she read at the school report she is a liar.

"I am looking forward to helping you become a girl, but I am still worried about the community reaction. Mrs Russica is the type who enjoys making trouble in a small town."

To be continued.

Community Reactions

McKenzie is now openly presenting herself as a girl around Santa Carla. Will she be accepted in her new identity? Now that the divorce is final Father wants to come to the house to remove his personal stuff. Mrs. Russica publishes a tirade in the local newspaper.

It has been a long journey since Aunt Karen first suggested I dress as a girl for a trip with Mom and cousin Kaylie to Bryce Canyon National Park. That initial experience of public femininity had reawakened long-suppressed feelings. For years I had tried to act masculine in a hopeless attempt to please my militaristic and macho Father. Now that was all past, the divorce was final, and Mom had custody. StacyLyn, who first met me coming out of the restroom that did not match my altered gender presentation, had become my friend and supporter, and had introduced me to 'Aunt Jessica,' her transgendered biological father. Jessica's advice and my insistence combined to get me on puberty-blocking drugs before I was poisoned by testosterone. Meanwhile, Mom had been terrified about my dress-up activities interfering with the custody decision, and her insecure personality meant that I had spent over a year totally closeted. What had been most amazing was learning that Judge Coleman had known about my feminine side all along and was not bothered in the least. The judge told me that whatever my gender identity was I should be open and proud of it. In response, we had gone to Red Desert Mall and I initiated my public transition. In retrospect I am not sure who started the idea of using the mall visit to announce my new identity, but I sure did not need much convincing.

**************
The morning after the court hearing I woke up with the knowledge that this was going to be my first full day living publicly as a girl. I got dressed in my usual girl-casual clothes but carefully brushed my hair into a feminine style and put on a little makeup. When I sat down in the kitchen I noticed that Mom had not yet brought in the newspaper. I decided this was an opportunity and went out the front door, walked down the driveway with a bit of hip swing, and gracefully bent to pick up the paper.

I wasn't sure who would see me when I went outside, but I just felt that being out of the closet meant I needed to start confidently presenting my new self to the neighbors. Mike and Glenda Pallak, who lived across the street, were outside doing some early morning yard work and just gave me a friendly wave. They had seen me dressed as a girl when Mom and I had come home from the Red Desert Mall yesterday, so my presentation was no surprise to them. As I walked back to the house a car passed on the street, but I didn't turn to see who was driving.

When I came back in Mom was on the phone talking to Aunt Karen.

"Karen, I know you wanted announce the new McKenzie to the community, but was it really right to give Nancy, the hairdresser, permission to spread the news? ... Yes, ... This is all so sudden. But what about Judge Coleman being so explicit right in open court? ... Maybe it would have been better to keep McKenzie's gender issues private for a while. ... I don't agree. Not everyone in the community is going to be accepting. ... What about Mrs. Russica and my ex? ... I hope you are right."

Mom was having her usual doubts. What I knew for sure was that initiating beauty salon gossip would result in the news about me spreading like wildfire through our small-town community. Whether people approved or not, no one would be unprepared when they saw the new me. I was more confident than Mom, but listening to her did stir some doubts and concerns in my mind.

StacyLyn and Jessica were my confidants when I was unsure about gender and transitioning issues. Right after breakfast I sat down and sent them both messages. A short while later I got a long, carefully written email reply from Jessica.

"Years ago the standard advice for t-girls was to transition in secret. This meant moving to a new location where no one knew the old male personality. Moving and transitioning in secret avoided a lot of issues, but running away also meant a big hassle. One consequence was loosing all your old friends and community contacts. Worse, t-girls who transitioned in secret lived in terror of someone finding out. It was like being a fugitive -- always afraid of being recognized or having an old document become public.

"Once a few pioneering women and young girls made their transition in public it opened up society's attitudes. Think about all the real-life news stories and biographies that I have forwarded to you. Utah is a conservative state, but there have been a number of prominent people there who have transitioned from male to female publicly while keeping their jobs and community contacts -- a university professor, a rural county planner, a member of a suburban city council. Judge Coleman was right in telling you to be open and proud of who you are. Most people will accept you and support you. There will always be bigots, but you can't let the bigots run, or ruin, your life. I urge you to go out and show the world that you are a brave girl."

Jessica's reply gave me a lot of confidence. I started thinking about all the YouTube videos I had watched that chronicled various t-girls in transition. Some had conflicts at school, some had conflicts with their parents, but they all were willing to show their face and state that they were transgendered. What I did by letting Nancy spread the news was nothing like appearing on prime-time television for an interview. I knew I would have problems with some people, but I now felt like we had done the right thing yesterday by publicly declaring that McKenzie was now going to be living full-time as a girl.

Kaylie came over later and we spent several hours packing the clothes I was not going to need anymore and discussing how to make my bedroom into a more feminine environment. I was finally able to take my girl clothes and makeup out of their 'hiding places' in the guest room, a ruse that apparently had never really fooled the social worker anyway.

Kaylie had contacted some of her girl friends and arranged for us to meet late in the afternoon at a nearby Walgreens drug store. As an excuse, she told them I needed suggestions on makeup and grooming products. Although I had been hanging out with Kaylie's friends for years I had always been the outlier effeminate boy in a crowd of girls. I trusted all of them as friends, but still was very nervous about having them see me dressed as a girl for the first time.

What amazed me was that all the girls seemed to ignore my changed presentation and acted like everything was perfectly normal. We greeted each other with hugs, wandered down the makeup aisle, and compared notes on the various products while chatting about local gossip. I was wondering if when someone was going to make a specific comment about what I thought of as a major change in my life.

As I was looking at various shades of nail polish Beth came up beside me. "This is neat finally seeing you stop hiding your interests."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, like this is not the first time you have been with us shopping for makeup. We all knew you were jealous of us and wished you could buy stuff to make yourself pretty too."

"You all knew that? Is that why no one has commented on what happened yesterday?"

"You have been hanging out with us for years. It was pretty obvious you wished you could be a girl instead of a boy. On the way over here today we all decided to not make a big deal over finally transitioning. As far as we are concerned, you really have been a girl all along, but just couldn't show it."

We wandered down the aisles and eventually got to the feminine hygiene products. Kaylie, as usual, couldn't resist getting in a wisecrack.

"Well this is ONE girl thing McKenzie will not have to start buying!"

Beth laughed. "Now it's my turn to be jealous."

The laughing and joking continued as I filled my shopping basket with hair accessories, makeup, perfume, panty hose, and other daily necessities. I was having fun stocking up on supplies for being a girl. When it came time to check out the clerk, who had seen the boy McKenzie shopping in the store for years, just rang up the items, put them in a bag, and told me to have a nice day.

That evening Kaylie and Aunt Karen joined us for dinner at a nearby restaurant. The hostess greeted us as 'ladies' and the staff certainly showed no reaction to my appearance even though I had been there as a boy many times. On the other hand, I noticed some customer stares and whispered comments that I am sure were in response to my new appearance. It was clear that not everyone in town was comfortable with the change.

During the dinner conversation Aunt Karen continued in her listening role as Mom's big-sister confidant and adviser. "Karen, we are going to have to watch out for Mrs. Russica. She is always stirring up trouble and it looks like she is really upset about McKenzie's transition."

"What's happened?" I asked.

"You know she writes a blog that is a favorite of the arch-conservative, red-neck crowd. Today she posted a long tirade about traditional gender roles and family structure. She declared that deviation from 'normal' gender behavior was an 'abomination' and a sign of society going down hill. She didn't mention McKenzie's name, but it is clear she has heard the news and is upset. Given that she wrote about the importance of schools preserving 'traditional values' I sort of expect her to make an issue over how McKenzie presents herself at school in the fall."

"Well Carol, I think Judge Coleman will be an ally. Remember he said he wanted his court to be a protector of diversity in Santa Carla."

"I'm still worried."

"You always worry too much. McKenzie is brave enough to do this, and you need to support your daughter."

**********
The next morning Mom got a phone call from Father. He said there were still a few things of his in the basement and garage and he wanted to come over and get them sometime. That raised the issue of what I was going to do when he came over. Since Mom had exclusive custody she could prevent him from seeing me, but my change was now public knowledge. Besides, Santa Carla is a small town and sooner or later he would cross paths with the girl McKenzie anyway. Again, Mom went into her indecisive, worry-mode.

I sensed that this was a time to leave Mom alone, so I told her I was going over to see Kaylie. This would be the first time I walked over to her house alone and dressed as a girl. Just like when I first went out as a girl to pick up the morning newspaper I was a bit nervous. The neighbors had been friendly then, so what could go wrong now?

As I headed along the sidewalk I noticed a bunch of boys from school across the street. I recognized Tim, the football team captain, and several of the real jocks plus a couple of boys I did not know well. As I turned the corner toward Kaylie's house I realized they had crossed the street and were following behind me. I picked up my pace. Memory of the cheer camp incident was fresh in my mind even though the bruises from being tossed in the air had healed.

"McKenzie, wait. I just want to talk to you."

I wasn't sure what to do. This could be the start of more harassment. I knew if I started to run they would easily catch me before I got to Kaylie's house. I also knew that running implied fear and that fear attracted predators. Maybe walking to Kaylie's had been a dumb idea. I heard them getting closer and decided to stop, turn around, and show that I wasn't going to be intimidated.

Tim came up to me with the others following behind. "I just wanted to tell you that we all really respect you for what you are doing. You're a brave ... girl."

That is not what I had expected. "Thank you." I paused wondering what to say next.

"You do want us to treat you a girl now, don't you?"

"Of course. That's what I am going to be." I started to relax.

"I am having a hard time understanding all this, but if becoming a girl is what you need to do it's OK with us. You probably guessed that Gary Russica and some other guys have been making nasty comments about you. My friends talked it over and we all agreed to watch out for you. If anyone ever gives you trouble they will have to deal with me."

This was followed by a chorus of "me too."

"Thanks again. I was really nervous when you guys started following me."

"Well, I am a bit nervous being seen talking to a charming girl who I know has boy parts down there."

One of his friends cut in, "Come on Tim. Let's go before you decide to ask her for a date."

They headed off joking like typical boys. That last comment got me thinking. Up to now I had been focusing on being accepted as one of the girls, and had not thought much about how I wanted to act around boys. Kaylie gave me a temporary solution.

"Just say your Mom thinks you are too young. You never were close friends with boys before, so continue keeping your relationships very cool and casual now that you are a girl. It will buy you some time."

Kaylie and I also discussed the problem of Father's upcoming visit to the house. I needed to decide if I wanted to hide elsewhere or be at home when he arrived. If I was going to be at home that raised the question of how should I be dressed. Aunt Karen joined our discussion and, as always, provided good advice.

"You don't want to deny who you are, but you don't want to appear to be giving the wrong message either. If you appear excessively feminine the message is almost rubbing his nose in the breakup of your relationship. I suggest you let him see you, but just dress low-key like you used to do when you were hanging out with Kaylie: jeans, practical shoes, a modest top over a sports bra and no makeup.

***********
I followed Aunt Karen's advice, but still was nervous on the afternoon when Father said he would come over. We were sure he was aware of my new appearance given the speed of small-town gossip, but this would be the first time for him to see me in person in over a year and a half. Father had been overseas on deployment most of the time since he had told Mom he wanted a divorce, and we neither of us had made an effort to see each other since he got back. Aunt Karen and Kaylie arranged to be at our house when Father came over in case Mom or I needed support.

Kaylie and I headed into the front room when we heard his car pull into the driveway. I figured taking the initiative and being visible was the stronger position rather than having him ask to see me. He came in the door, coldly greeted Mom, and then glanced in my direction. He clearly was displeased by what he saw.

"Is this something your mother is making you do, or is it your idea?"

"This is what I am, and what I want to be." It took a real effort to say that calmly.

"You are a bigger sissy faggot than I ever expected. Get the hell out of my sight!"

"Mr. Clark, this is McKenzie's home not yours anymore! SHE has a right to be in this room," Aunt Karen shouted.

Father muttered an obscenity and stormed down the basement stairs.

Aunt Karen may have been right, but I decided I didn't want to push the issue. Kaylie and I head to my room and closed the door. Throughout the custody proceedings I kept saying that I wanted him out of my life. Still the harshness of his rejection hurt. Kaylie held me as I sobbed softly.

************
For the next few days I was on an emotional roller coaster. When people accepted me as a girl it was great, but the occasional nasty comments really hurt. I spent a lot of time communicating with my support network. Aunt Karen, StacyLyn, and Jessica all kept reminding me to be self-confident and proud. I tried, but it was hard.

As the weekend approached Aunt Karen suggested taking Kaylie and me on a Saturday trip back to the Red Desert Mall where I had come out publicly. Mom stayed behind to go into the office and catch up on work. She always was a career-focused person, but had become noticeably more so since I went on puberty blockers. She had explained to me that gender therapy was not covered by normal medical insurance and that we would have a lot of big expenses ahead if I transitioned all the way.

Aunt Karen was speeding along on the Interstate when Kaylie broke into my thoughts. "I am sure you will get noticed today shopping as a girl. Once a hairdresser starts spreading gossip there is no stopping it."

I put down the copy of Cosmo Girl that I had borrowed from Kaylie. "What I am looking forward to is just being able to shop for myself and actually try things on in the store. No more handing items to you so you could pretend to be buying them for yourself like we had to do for so long."

"You did a good job at staying closeted. You always acted nonchalant when we shopped together in the girls' section even when I knew you are really jealous of me."

"Come on, I was not jealous."

"Yes you were jealous, and you still are. You want a bod like mine don't you? You are disappointed because all the herbal treatments and lavender oil you have been soaking in hasn't given you bigger boobs."

"I guess I just have to live with what little I have for now."

"At least that over-padded bra makes you look believable." Kaylie looked over at the magazine I was holding. "OK, which sexy outfit on that page do you wish you were wearing?"

"Kaylie, stop teasing McKenzie," Aunt Karen cut in. "I want her to have a nice experience today."

We headed down the exit ramp and turned into the Red Desert Mall parking lot.

After a while I found myself in the teen girl section at Nordstroms. Kaylie was lingering behind while Aunt Karen lead me slowly along the rack picking up dresses, holding them up in front of me, then putting them back. A college-age sales clerk came up behind us.

"Can I help you ladies find something?"

As I turned she looked me over. "Are you the McKenzie Clark everyone is talking about?"

"Yes - it's the new girl in town." I was following Judge Coleman's advice and being open and proud of who I was.

"Well you look marvelous. I am so glad to have you as a customer."

Aunt Karen held up a light blue empire style dress. "I think my new niece would like to try this one on."

The clerk was a professional who knew that flattering the customer was the way to make the sale.

"I think it is perfect for her. You know empire style always looks good on girls with boyish figures so why not for a girl in transition? It's a great fabric, not to clingy, so it will look good even if she doesn't have real curves yet. Let's have you try it on."

When she got near the changing rooms the clerk told me to wait, and she went back and carefully checked the area before she let me go in. I went into a changing room, put on the dress, then went out to model it for Aunt Karen and Kaylie. They thought it looked marvelous and we decided to buy it.

"My treat," Aunt Karen said.

As the clerk was ringing up the sale I risked a question that had been bothering me. "Why were you so cautious checking the changing area before I went in?"

"Your being there certainly is OK, but Mrs. Russica and a couple of her collaborators were in this store earlier today. They were very vocal about how disgusting it was that a boy was going around town dressed as a girl. I knew exactly whom they were talking about. They had used the changing rooms earlier, and I wanted to be sure they were not still around to cause you any embarrassment.

"Thanks, but eventually McKenzie will need to learn to deal with narrow-minded people who cannot accept gender diversity." Aunt Karen looked at me. "Are you ready to face bigots like her?"

***********
The regional weekly newspaper, the Southwest Desert Times, was on the kitchen table when we got home. It was lucky that Aunt Karen had decided to come in with me as Mom was clearly upset by something she had read. I picked up the paper and saw a lengthy op-ed piece by Mrs. Russica. She was ranting about how permissive society was tolerating deviant behavior including boys running around dressed like girls. She seemed to have taken the most insulting and inflammatory parts from her conservative blog, added remarks from her fellow-travelers, and submitted it for publication. She didn't mention me by name, but said 'A certain boy in Santa Carla is an embarrassment to the community and to his patriotic father who has been serving overseas in the military while his mother has been supporting and encouraging this disgusting behavior. She also repeated her lies that her son and his friends were being unjustly accused when all that happened was the result of a 'frail boy falling and hitting his head.'

At first I wondered how anything so hurtful could be published in a community newspaper. Then I looked over at the editorial on the facing page.

"This newspaper has always given the highest priority to defending our American Constitutional rights, and these rights include free speech. However, this paper is also sensitive to ethical issues including minority rights and tolerance for those who differ from the majority. The citizen opinion piece on the next page presented us with a challenge of how to balance free speech for the outspoken and justice for all. After much deliberation we have chosen to publish the opinion column submitted by Mrs. Russica on the condition that it focus on issues, and not mention any individual by name. The writer complied with the letter, but not the spirit, of these stipulations.

"It is important to note that this week's citizen opinion column does not reflect the opinions held by the editorial board of this newspaper. We wish to go on record as supporting a policy of opposing any and all discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, sex, marital status, familial status, parental status, source of income, religion, political beliefs, sexual orientation, gender identity, or genetic information."

Further down the page was a boxed advertisement by American Retail Properties, the owners of Red Desert Mall.

"All are welcome to eat and shop at our properties regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity or manner of dress. Harassment of our guests by store employees or by members of the public will not be tolerated."

I showed the editorial and mall advertisement to Mom. These expressions of support clearly made her feel better. Aunt Karen put her arm around me.

"Don't worry about Mrs. Russica. Most people in this community fully support you. Next week you will have a nice surprise."

Community Acceptance

McKenzie finally understands Aunt Karen's motivations. Ms. Byland organizes an event that shows McKenzie some wonderful things about her hometown. This episode concludes a story that began long ago with a hike on the Fairyland Trail.

Community Acceptance

What started as an 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon National Park to cheer up Mom after Father asked for a divorce has become a long journey of discovery and transition for me. When I first started hiking the Fairyland Trail dressed as a girl I never imagined what my acceptance of feminine presentation would lead to. A shy boy who enjoyed hanging out with his cousin Kaylie and her girl friends has now become a full-time girl. My friend StacyLyn, her biological father, Jessica, and my Aunt Karen have provided support and practical advice on the path to femininity. Mom, who has a very insecure personality, had been so terrified of community reaction that she insisted I stay totally closeted for over a year until the divorce and custody were final. Harassment during summer cheer camp resulted in an injury, and at the hospital I ended up telling our family doctor about my secretly being on puberty blockers. The doctor's reaction was 'why didn't you ask me for help?' The family court judge proved to be very open minded, and after granting Mom exclusive custody Judge Coleman said he suspected I was transgendered, and encouraged me to be open and proud about whoever I grew up to be. When I was finally able to come out of the closet, and did it very publicly. Community reaction since has been mixed with some people thinking I should have been a girl all along, while a few social conservatives have been ranting about preserving traditional gender roles.

*********

"Aunt Karen, why did you ever suggest my dressing as a girl for that first trip to Bryce Canyon? I've never understood how you came up with the idea, or why you were so sure I would go along your plan."

I was relaxing in Aunt Karen's living room while Kaylie was in the kitchen finishing preparing a treat for dessert. My dinner preparation duties were momentarily on hold while my chicken and rice casserole baked in the oven. I had always loved cooking. Now that I was living as a girl the housework chores seemed a bit more routine, whereas when I was closeted at home being asked to do housework had seemed more 'special.'

"McKenzie, I have known you since you were born. Even when you were a toddler you showed interest in girls' things. You probably have forgotten the doll you loved to play with or the way you cried when your father found it and threw it out. I could see how happy you were whenever you had a chance to play in a girl role. But, as you got older I saw you struggling to suppress your feminine side in response to demands from your awful father. When Jared Clark was home he pushed you to be tough and do what he thought of as manly. You always ended up upset and crying in your room. I could see the tragedy developing but there was little I could do.

"You mother has always been a very insecure person who easily goes into depression, and she did not defend your behavior when your father was around. Her unwillingness to deal with your father and her fear of community reaction during the custody proceedings are both related to her cautious personality.

Meanwhile I, and a lot of others in the community, saw that you really identified as a girl. As much as you tried to hide it, your true personality kept showing herself. It was sad seeing you being forced to act like a boy, but we couldn't do much about it. When your father asked for a divorce I saw an opening and took it."

"Thanks, Aunt Karen. I'm so glad you did."

*******

The first of weeks after I started publicly dressing as a girl full-time were both exciting and stressful. It was great to be able to walk down the street with Kaylie and her friends knowing that I appeared to just be one of the girls. It was great to finally be able to shop for girls' clothes and try them on in the store. It was great to receive complements on my appearance from both strangers and from people who had known the boy McKenzie. On the other hand, Mrs. Russica, a conservative social-causes activist was saying hurtful things about me on her blog and in letters to the local newspaper. Mom was now worried that Mrs. Russica would really cause trouble, most likely concerning how I would present myself at school.

On Saturday morning Aunt Karen and Kaylie had come over to our place for breakfast. From the looks on their faces they clearly had an agenda. After we cleaned up Aunt Karen made her announcement.

"We have a big surprise tonight for you, dear. Ms. Byland has organized a party in your honor and has invited lots of people from around town. It will be semiformal, and still you can consider it your official debut as a girl."

"Wow, a real coming-out party."

"Quit teasing, Kaylie. This is a big event for your cousin."

Ms. Byland was the teacher at my school who had seen me dressed as a girl when we were on our second trip to Bryce Canyon. Her followup had been to tell Mom that my girl personality was much happier and self-confident than the boy she saw at school, and that my being closeted was not good for my well-being. Ms. Byland was also the cheer coach, and she had helped me convince Mom that cheer was something I could do even while I was publicly presenting as a boy.

"Remember the empire-style dress I bought for you at Red Desert Mall? Plan to wear that one," Aunt Karen continued. "You will look marvelous in it, especially if you let us help you with accessories and makeup."

Needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready. My feminine wardrobe was still quite limited, but having limited choices made it easier to decide on lingerie and shoes. Obviously I was going to wear my new dress, and I now knew why Aunt Karen had picked that one out. Since it had been a while since my visit to the salon Aunt Karen offered to refresh my hairstyle then apply my makeup. As I got ready Kaylie was more serious than her usual teasing self, and was an endless source of flattering comments and advice on fashion accessories.

Mom and I sat talking in the living room while Aunt Karen and Kaylie dashed home to change and freshen up. "McKenzie, this will be a wonderful experience for you. You have nothing to worry about tonight. Everyone who accepted the invitation is really expressing their acceptance of you. I have been amazed by the community response to your changed gender presentation since the court hearing.

"Let's use the time for me to give you a few pointers on how to act. You have learned a lot from hanging around Kaylie, but there is a difference between a teen girl relaxing in casual sportswear and a fine young lady going to a grown-up party."

For the next hour Mom tutored me on the finer points of posture, walking, sitting, eating fancy finger foods, and making polite conversation with adults. I realized that this party was going to be a lot different from passing as a girl on a trail in a National Park.

"It is amazing how fast you are picking up acting like a proper and polite girl."

"I did have time to practice while you were keeping me closeted."

"Thankfully, that is all behind us. You know I nearly fainted when Judge Coleman talked to us at the end of the hearing. To imagine that he had known about your feminine side all along."

Finally Aunt Karen and Kaylie returned and it was time to head to Ms. Byland's house. It was a chilly fall evening, and I wished I had worn something warmer on top than the shawl Kaylie loaned me. As we approached I was amazed by all the cars parked on both sides of the street. We pulled up into the circular driveway in front of Ms. Byland's house and a teen boy in a red blazer and carefully pressed pants opened the doors and offered to park her car. Just then I noticed another boy wearing the same style of blazer jogging back along the sidewalk. I had not expected valet parking for this party.

I started up the stairs and someone opened the door for me. As I entered the entry way I heard what sounded like a lot of excited people inside. Ms. Byland rushed up, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, grabbed my hand, and led me into the living room. The room was crowded with people, and more were still arriving. Suddenly the room erupted in applause.

As I glanced around I realized that nearly everyone I knew seemed to be there plus a lot of people I didn't recognize. Before I could develop stage fright I was surrounded by Kaylie's friends -- the girls who I had known for years. Tonight they were all dressed to impress with their hair and makeup perfectly done.

Beth came up to me first, followed by the rest of Kaylie's friends. "Don't worry. We're here for you. Besides, tonight you are as good looking as any of us."

"Yea, you're awesome, McKenzie."

"Thanks. I wanted to …"

Before I could finish Nancy, my hairdresser came over and eased her way through the ring of girls surrounding me.

"McKenzie, you look marvelous. You know, your Aunt and I used to work together in the same salon while Karen finished college. I can see that she is still a master beautician.

"But, enough of that. I wanted to tell you how much fun I have been having telling all my customers about you. I have been watching initial reactions as I shared the juicy gossip about the newest girl in town. Some were shocked at first, but after we talked a while attitudes always became approving. Well, almost everyone approved. Mrs. Russica's fellow travelers were the exception. I just ignored them.

"Look around at every one who is here to support you. All the people in town who consider themselves progressive see it as a status thing to be at a party celebrating the new transgirl in Santa Carla."

Again, before I could respond someone else was cutting in. This time it was the social worker who had done the home visits while custody was pending before Judge Coleman.

"McKenzie, I wanted you to know that I was shocked when I heard about what Judge Coleman said after the official hearing. He was so totally outspoken and explicit when he said you might be gay or transgendered. Outing you in his courtroom is not what I had recommended."

"What did you tell the judge about me?" I was really curious.

"I told him that you clearly had extreme feminine feelings, were making a great effort to keep them hidden, and that suppressing your real personality was causing you a lot of emotional stress. I put in my report that you needed support and encouragement to find how to express your gender identity. Well, Judge Coleman sure gave you encouragement! I am glad it worked out so well. When I heard that you gave Nancy permission to spread the news I knew you had the self-confidence needed to face the world. Still, I think Judge Coleman should have been be more discrete."

Just then I heard someone announce, "Please stand for the flag ceremony." Santa Carla has always been big on flag-waving patriotic symbolism, so the idea of a flag ceremony at a party did not seem all that unusual. What was a total surprise is who came in the front door.

A troop of Boy Scouts, including Greg Coleman, paraded in followed by a lieutenant from Father's army unit in full dress uniform.

"At the request of Judge Coleman and State Senator Benson, I will lead the pledge of allegiance," the lieutenant declared in an authoritative voice.

As everyone reached "... with liberty and justice for all" the words had a special meaning for me, especially given what Judge Coleman had told me about wanting his court to be a protector of diversity.

Aunt Karen came over to me. "What a wonderful way to make a statement. By just being here the lieutenant is showing that your father's army unit does not share in his bigotry. But, publicly repudiating a comrade is bad form in the army. Judge Coleman and Mr. Benson gave him perfect political cover. Lieutenant Richards can act like he was simply responding to a request by local public officials who asked him to lead a civic ceremony. Nothing more has to be said.

"You recognize Senator Benson, Brittney's father, don't you? He has a lot of influence in this part of the state."

I say Greg Colman approaching with the rest of the scouts.

A boy I did not know spoke first. "This is a bit awkward for us, but ... we all want to say that ... we ..., " he stammered.

"We respect your right to express your self as you wish," someone else finished for him.

"What's this all about?" I asked. It seemed that a bunch of Boy Scouts were trying to do a good deed that they were uncomfortable with.

"Judge Coleman is active in scouting, and he told us we had to do this public show of support for you or he wouldn't pass us on our citizenship merit badges. He said standing up for minorities and dissenters is a lesson in being a good citizen. We were all reluctant at first, but now it seem totally like being here was the right thing to do anyway."

"Yea, we all support you McKenzie."

Greg Coleman finally got his courage back and spoke up. "My uncle had me over last Sunday for a long talk. What I did the day when you got hurt was wrong and I apologize. I want you to know that I am going to sign the paper in principal's office saying that I accept responsibility for participating in the harassment incident and agree to a week of suspension at the start of the school year."

"I'm sorry you got into trouble."

"No, I'm sorry I did not intervene to stop Gary Russica from grabbing you."

I think Ms. Byland saw an awkward situation developing. She came over and changed the topic, allowing Greg to slip away. Then she led me over to the buffet table and indicated I needed to at least get something to drink.

"It's too bad you aren't old enough to have real booze. You could use something to steady your nerves."

"Be polite, Kaylie," I heard Aunt Karen command.

I got some green punch to drink, and put some grapes and crackers on a plate. Before I could eat much I saw StacyLyn and Jessica walk in.

"What a surprise to see you tonight."

"It was a long drive, but we absolutely had to be here for you tonight. McKenzie you look marvelous! That dress is so you."

"You don't look so bad yourself, StacyLyn. It will be great having you here for support. I'm like overwhelmed by all that's going on tonight."

Jessica was elegantly dressed in a flattering floor-length gown and high heels. Her blond hair draped over her shoulders, and a delicate gold pendant dangled above her cleavage. I realized that this was the first time I had seen Jessica in a dress. Fancy jeans, frilly blouses, western-style cowgirl boots, and Navajo jewelry comprised her usual outfits.

"McKenzie, you don't realize how lucky you are to be able to transition so young. With the support of your mother and your family doctor you will be able to completely avoid male puberty like I went through. You can grow up to look just like a genetic female. Now that you are out of the closet I want to get you in contact with more support groups so you can meet other t-girls. I want you to meet someone who drove down with us."

Jessica indicated toward a tall, thin girl who had walked in behind her. She looked a little older than me or StacyLyn. Probably in high school.

"This is Shelby, another t-girl. She has been a leader in the Gay-Straight Alliance at her school and is a gender-rights activist. When StacyLyn told her the news about your coming out in public she asked if she could meet you in person."

"McKenzie, I just wanted to express my support and offer my help. Transitioning can be really intimidating even in a big city, and you shouldn't have to do it without friends who have gone through the same thing."

StacyLyn added, "You have a standing invitation to come stay with us so we can take you to some gender-related events up north. Even my brother is OK with this now."

I realized that Jacob Waterman had also arrived, but was standing in the background. Jacob had been on both Bryce Canyon National Park trips, and been nice to me at first. Once he found out the truth about me he had been somewhat cold and distant. On the second trip it always seemed like Jacob and his stepfather were finding ways to go off by themselves and avoid Jessica and me. He hesitated as he approached me.

"Hi, McKenzie. I ... I just wanted to say that I respect you and I think understand you now a lot better than I did back on our second trip to Bryce. I apologize for being rude to you then."

"Apology accepted."

"Looking back I was still really upset about Jessica's transition. Mom and dad separating was bad enough but it's not easy for a boy to watch his father become a woman. It really confused me for a long time and looking back I had become transphobic."

"Well, you didn't seem transphobic tonight riding down with me and Jessica," Shelby added. "We carried on a pretty decent conversation."

"Yes, but I am still a bit embarrassed about hitting on McKenzie when we first met. I mean it was her first time in public as a girl and I acted like I thought she was a potential date."

"Well, what do you think of me now?"

"Yeh, tell us Jacob," Kaylie cut in.

Jacob took a deep breath. "I think McKenzie looks like a beautiful girl, but ..." He paused and leaned closer so he could talk more quietly "but, I know she still has boy parts down there. I am not comfortable having a boy-girl relationship or anything like that."

"I understand." In the whirl of the party my mind had been completely in girl-mode. Jacob's remark reminded me that I would eventually need to figure out who I could get into a relationship with once I wanted to start dating.

I think Ms. Byland had realized that an important private conversation was going on. I noticed her keeping other guests from interrupting us while I talked some more with Jessica, StacyLyn, and Shelby.

As they moved off Jacob whispered in my ear, "Let me know when you get your plumbing fixed. I might feel different about you then."

The meeting and greeting continued. Everyone was so wonderful to talk to. Suddenly, Ms. Byland gave a cue and the girls who were with me at cheer camp separated from the rest of the crowd and started an energetic dance-spirit routine that ended:

"G - I - R - L, what's it spell? MACKENZIE!!!"

Immediately everyone was cheering and clapping and rushing over to congratulate me yet again.

Brittany Benson came over. She was one of the girls who had initially objected to a boy being part of the cheer camp, and had made some really nasty remarks. Even with her father being here I wasn't sure what to expect from her tonight, but needn't have worried.

"You know I was really looking forward to our being a coed cheer team. There aren't many teams with boys on them so it is easy to win a trophy in that category at the competitions. Now with your changed gender presentation we are going to have to negotiate how our team is treated, but I for one don't think it should be considered a coed team. I wanted to say I love you as you are now, and really want to be on a team with you.

"We all know there are going to be locker room and restroom issues when you show up at school as a girl this fall. My father is on the school board and asked me what my friends thought about all this.

"I told him we took a cheer team vote. Everyone agreed you are going to be welcome to use the locker room with us. Once the rest of the school sees that the popular crowd of cheerleaders accepts you as a girl they will follow along."

At this Judge Coleman, Mr. Benson, and my school Principal came over. I think they knew what news Brittney was sharing.

Judge Coleman opened in his patriarchal style. "Miss McKenzie Clark, you have chosen to present yourself as a girl, and we support you. You have a right to grow up and live as you wish. I told you to be open and proud of who you are, and now you can see that the community supports you. Congratulations."

Mr. Benson spoke next. "I am sure you know that Mrs. Russica is going around complaining about the idea of you attending school as a girl. I want you to know that we have already discussed this within the school board and the administration. We are on your side, and will use our official positions to protect you.

"Let me introduce you to a couple of other prominent citizens. This is Mr. Moore, the editor of the Southwest Desert Times, and Mr. Chappell, the manager of Red Desert Mall and president of the local Chamber of Commerce."

I quickly made the connection. "Thank you very much for the editorial and advertisement that appeared in the paper right the same day as that awful piece written by Mrs. Russica. What the two of you said really made me feel so much better."

"McKenzie, we are proud to be your supporters."

Ms. Byland was rushing around indicating that everyone should move over to the tables and sit down for the dinner. She took me by the hand and led me to the head table. I was finally able to sit down. I was seated between Ms. Byland and Mom with Jessica and StacyLyn across the table from me. Ms. Byland assigned Aunt Karen and Kaylie to be the family representatives at the next table with Judge Coleman and Senator Benson.

We all enjoyed an elegant dinner catered by the fanciest restaurant in town. The food was delicious and I had to remind myself that girls need to watch their figure. It would have been bad form to be seen gulping food down like a teenage boy!

During the dinner conversation I leaned over to Ms. Byland. "This is all so marvelous, thank you, thank you."

"It was something I really wanted to do for you. And don’t worry about what this all cost. I started asking around and got more donations than I could accept. The restaurant, the parking valet, and the event furniture rental company all donated their services."

"That's amazing."

"Well, Mrs. Russica's hateful op-ed piece in the newspaper affected people's attitudes about you. I got lots of comments from people that felt that when a schoolgirl in the community is being attacked they needed to rally and show their support. Besides, this town is changing. A lot of the newcomers to the area are really progressive and showing support for a transgendered person is a way for them to show that they are not red-necks."

This was all so unbelievable. Mom was in tears of happiness, and StacyLyn was giggly with excitement.

Ms. Byland warned me what was coming next. "Remember at cheer camp we did a session on pageant preparation. You girls might have thought beauty pageants were a bit silly, but there was a purpose. For example, you all had a chance to practice giving thank-you speeches in a proper style. Think about what I taught you and get ready. I will ask you to stand up in a few minutes."

I hurried to get my thoughts is order. I knew the acceptance speech formula: thank everyone, say what the gift means to you, say what you will do in the future, thank everyone again. Fortunately I also had practice public speaking from English class and from Sunday School. When Mr. Byland tapped on the glass I was ready.

I spoke for several minutes before reaching my conclusion. " ... And, again thank you all so very much for this wonderful evening. I will remember and treasure this evening the rest of my life. I promise I will do my best to live up to your expectations and be deserving of the support and encouragement you have given me. Santa Carla is a wonderful place, and I am grateful to be part of this community."

I nodded and waved as everyone applauded. Now the pageant preparation drills on elegant waving paid off: 'elbow-elbow, wrist and wrist, touch your pearls, blow a kiss.' I knew exactly how I should act while waiting for the excitement to run its course. Finally I decided it was appropriate for me to sit down. As I smoothed my dress I realized that I had been operating on autopilot since Ms. Byland told me to get ready to speak. Only when it was over did the rush of emotions hit me. This was all so unexpected. During the long months of being closeted I had never imagined that Santa Carla would be so accepting of a transgendered girl. Now I knew for certain that I was accepted by the community as a girl and could look forward to a wonderful time finishing high school and beyond.

*****

This concludes the story of McKenzie's journey from the Fairyland Trail at Bryce Canyon to girlhood in her hometown. Reader comments along the way definitely affected the plot development, and were all very much appreciated. Working through the parental issues, coming out of the closet, and achieving community acceptance were the themes of McKenzie's experience in this series. Continuing a chronological narrative following her debut party would not be very interesting. You, dear readers, have gotten to know McKenzie, StacyLyn, Kaylie, and Jessica. I would be very open to suggestions of issues, incidents, or events that might be the focus of another story about these personalities.

Brianna and Jayden A TG Dress Shop Story By Torrey Grover Copyright© 2015 Torrey Grover Brianna, who works in her mother's dress shop, is a confidant, cheerleader, and mentor to boys with special interests. Jayden was encouraged to meet her, and now they are having a deep conversation about Jayden's identity crisis.

Brianna Isabella Mitchell was stunningly beautiful with fashion model looks and posture. Her makeup was always dramatic, but never overdone: translucent skin, accented eyebrows, long lashes, bright lipstick, matching nails. Wavy brown hair with blond highlights cascaded past her shoulders. As usual a stylish headband kept it pulled back from her face. She was wearing a tight-fitting top that accented the shape of the bra cupping her well-developed breasts. Her short, but not too short, skirt hugged her nicely rounded hips. She always claimed she only dressed up because she had to impress the customers at her mother's dress shop, but nobody believed that excuse.

Jayden Sanders was much more slender but still looked attractive. Her hair was trimmed in a short androgynous style that barely called attention to her face and tiny earrings. She was wearing a loose subtly patterned cotton top and a dark, full-cut skirt. In contrast to Brianna's high heels, Jayden was wearing comfortable sandals over opaque socks. As always, her selections were carefully chosen to aid in passing by avoiding calling attention to herself.

"Let's sit over near the loudspeakers. That way we can talk without being overheard."

"Good idea, mind if I sit facing away from the crowd?"

"Fine by me. Personally, I like showing myself to everyone passing outside the food court. Besides, I'll keep a lookout for any lurkers."

"Now you are making me paranoid again!"

"Don't worry. Let's have the girl-to-girl chat we agreed to, Jayden. Your mom was really anxious to have you meet with me today. She called the Teen Girl Dress Shop yesterday and this again morning just to be sure I remembered." Brianna had a good idea of what Mrs. Sanders wanted Jayden to talk about, but Brianna knew that conversations like this needed to develop naturally. "So, what would you like to talk about?

"You know, I am trying to sort things out." Jayden looked around. "Are you sure its safe to talk here? I'm scared."

"No one is sitting right next to our table and the music system drowns everything out anyway. "

"You will keep all this like confidential, won't you, please."

"Of course, Jayden," Brianna said in her most reassuring voice. I need to be real careful with this girl, Brianna thought to herself. I have never seen someone be so scared and still come dressed into the mall. Any rushing on my part and she will either break down in tears or run away in terror. Her mom must have really pushed her to come here. "There is nothing to be afraid of. My mom and I both love meeting girls like you and helping them out. That's a big part of why my mother opened the dress shop."

"I guess you know I was born a boy, and ... and ..."

"Please go on." This kid is desperate; giver her some encouragement. "I would never have guessed by looking at you." Brianna paused, but Jayden seemed unable or unwilling to continue. "Of course, you know our mothers have been talking about our getting together for several weeks. Nothing you say is going to shock me."

"Yes, my mom said it would really be good for me to meet with you. She said you could help me see my options, and ..."

"Does your mom like to see you dress up as a girl at home?" Brianna saw Jayden nod silently. "But, you attend school as a boy?" Jayden nodded again and Brianna sensed that she was ready to say something. Maybe an open-ended question would help. "How does this all work?"

"This switching from boy to girl and back again can't go on much longer." Jayden was almost in tears.

"Everything's OK. Lots of special boys go through this. Just relax and have a sip of your drink."

Finally Jayden calmed down. "My mom always likes me to dress pretty at home. Ever since I can remember she always pushed me in that direction. I know she really wanted a daughter. When I was born she insisted I be given a gender-neutral name.

"When I was little Mom was really active in contacting other mothers in the neighborhood and finding playmates for me.

"What I was too young to realize right away was that all my playmates were girls. In fact, looking back, Mom made a real effort to keep me away from boys. There was a storefront preschool and private kindergarten near our house called Princess Academy. Of course that is where Mom sent me over my father's protests."

"Princess Academy sounds like awesome fun. Like, were you the only boy in the preschool?"

"Yes, but nobody made a big deal about it. As time went on I started to sort of think of myself as being a girl too. After all, girls were the only ones my age I ever had a chance to talk to. We used to watch boys on television and see them on the street outside the academy and giggle about how gross they were.

"Do you think your mom was trying to make you into a girl?"

"Looking back I think she was a bit ambivalent about going all the way and raising me as a girl. And, of course, there was my father to deal with as well. Some days she got me all prettied up, and other days she sent me to preschool looking like a tomboy."

"So, what happened next?"

"After preschool my father insisted I start regular school as a boy. Once I attended first grade as a boy it ... each year it was easier to go back as a boy again, and ... A couple of years ago my parents divorced and mom got custody, but now I ..., I'm stuck as ... as... I'm so confused."

"Yes, I understand. Tell me more about school now."

"I get a lot of bullying. Everyone calls me a big sissy and a queer." Jayden paused. "Well, not everyone. There are a few girls who are my friends. I hang out with them and they protect me."

"How much do those girls know about your home life?"

"I know they suspect something. Every once in a while one of them says something like 'I bet your mom is trying to make you into a girl!' I never tell them the truth, but they can guess and ..."

Brianna changed the topic. She wanted to get a sense of how Jayden identified. "How did you feel when you came to the mall dressed this morning.

"I felt like I was showing the world my real self, but I was nervous too. I rarely go out in public dressed like this except when Mom and I are far away from home on vacations. I'm so afraid someone will recognize me."

"Don't worry. You're not the first boy who has had this kind of experience."

"But, I'm almost 13. Mom says that I am lucky not to have started puberty yet. But she says she can get me to a doctor who can help if I want."

"I understand, Jayden. I had to make the same choice."

"You did?"

"Yes, That is why your mom wanted us to talk. I was born a boy and made the choice to grow up as girl. When the time came I started taking what Mom called 'special pills.' I've had no regrets since. " Brianna noticed Jayden was staring at her. "Yes, these boobs are totally real." Brianna let Jayden think for a moment. Lots of this was apparently new to her.

"I was lucky and my mom made me into a girl before I ever started school. From kindergarten on the only thing that made me know I was different from other girls was that Mom would kept telling me that I had a 'deformity' between my legs that would scare my friends if they saw. I was constantly reminded that I needed to be careful when using the toilet and should always change clothes in private. To keep my thing hidden she always made me wear a pair of tight, opaque underpants and then put frilly panties on over them. But when I was 16 mom took me on a vacation trip to a clinic in Mexico and got me 'fixed.'

Jayden suddenly looked pale. Brianna realized she had gone too far too fast. "Not every feminine boy makes the choices I did. You have lots of options. How do you feel?

"I ... I don't know! I'm so scared. At times I think making me permanently into a girl is just Mom's idea. Other times I dread growing up because I know what puberty will do to me. Being a girl seems so right, but..." Jayden took a deep breath. "No matter what I chose I will always wonder what my life would have been like if I ..." Suddenly tears started streaming down Jayden's face. Brianna reached across the table and gently held Jayden's hands.

"Is she all right?"

Brianna looked up and saw a tall girl with dark hair and bright lipstick that she recognized as one of the employees at the mall's gothic shop. "Yes, she is just a little emotional about boy problems right now."

"Well, I know all about boy problems. Most of the time the problem has something to do with an unwelcome penis," she laughed.

"Keep your advice to yourself. She just needs some space right now."

Brianna sat quietly as the goth girl headed to the trash can by the food court exit. Eventually Jayden looked up. "Thanks for covering for me."

“Glad to help.”

“I wonder if she knew how close to the truth she was. Unwelcome, is right. Just in a different way.”

Bianna smiled. This was the first joke Jayden had made today.

The girls continued to talk and Jayden slowly regained her confidence. Brianna started to gently reassure Jayden that there are lots of paths open to transgendered and questioning boys.

Eventually, Brianna started writing on a pink notecard. "Here is all my contact information: cell phone, email, Facebook. Any time you want to ask a question or get together I will be there for you. I also gave you the web site for two local gender identity support groups, one run by the Pride Center and the other that my Mom helps with."

"I know, Brianna. You are the best friend I can imagine. Totally supportive. You are awesome. Looking at you it hard to believe you were born a boy just like me. We have so much in common.

"You have a difficult choice ahead. Your mom is guiding you one way. Tradition and social pressure are pushing you the other way. Don't base your choice on what someone else thinks. Think about how you really identify. Follow your heart and chose what seems right to you."

"We'll talk again soon, OK."

The food court janitor noticed the two girls hugging before picking up their trays and slowly walking toward the exit. He thought for a moment about how hot they looked, then he grabbed a towel and headed over to wipe down the table for the next customer.

Devon is jealous when his childhood friend, Cathy, leaves him behind with her activities and starts developing physically. He begins to explore on the internet. A shopping invitation leads him to Brianna Mitchell at the Teen Girl Dress shop who is experienced both selling trendy clothes for girls and helping confused boys like Devon.

"Ann Mitchell is the successful owner and manager of the Teen Girl Dress shop. She combines an excellent sense of fashion trends, a prominent location in Fashion Towne Mall, and creative marketing to operate a highly profitable and well-regarded local business. Ms. Mitchell and her daughter, Brianna, provide personal and financial support for many charities that are vital to our community." Ann looked over the opening of her self-promoting mini-biography with pride. She had been asked to submit a brief write-up to go with the newsletter photo announcing her latest major donation to the local Pride Center. She knew that being a community leader helped her business, but she was also sincerely committed to the causes she supported. The Teen Girl Dress Shop was not only a business, but also a place where young people could comfortably come in and talk about any and all issues with someone who was sympathetic and cared.

Her daughter, Brianna Isabella Mitchell was stunningly beautiful with fashion model looks and posture. When on duty in the store her makeup was always dramatic, but never overdone: translucent skin, accented eyebrows, long lashes, bright lipstick, matching nails. Wavy brown hair with blond highlights cascaded past her shoulders. A stylish headband was her usual way to keep her elegant hair pulled back from her face. Typically, she would wear a tight-fitting top that accented the shape of the push-up bra cupping her well-developed breasts. She had a large collection of short, but not too short, skirts that hugged her nicely rounded hips. She always claimed she only dressed up like that because she had to impress the customers at her mother's dress shop, but nobody believed that excuse.

Ann and Brianna had recently developed a new marketing theme of special services for girls getting their first bra. Although the shop was named 'Teen Girl' a large fraction of their business came from younger girls who wanted to look more grown-up and the target demographic was already coming into the store. The marketing theme was "We make you daughter's first bra a memorable occasion." They reinforced this theme with exceptional fitting expertise, discounts for multiple bra purchases, and a set of fitting room photographs on a secure CD to take home for memories. Needless to say, this integrated marketing lead to significant development in their intimate apparel section.
____________

Meanwhile, out in the suburbs Nancy Abell was getting ready for a talk with her son.

"Devon, come sit in the living room. I need to talk to you about something."

Devon knew this was always the lead-in to a 'personal conversation' about some aspect of his behavior or activities. Mom had a way of making gentle suggestions and providing encouragement in specific directions without any direct or harsh demands. He wondered what was up today.

"Mrs. Stewart told me she is taking Cathy to the Teen Girl Dress Shop at Fashion Towne Mall to be fitted for her first real bra tomorrow. They saw one of that store's advertisements and decided Cathy was at that age."

This put Devon on immediate alert, and questions raced through his mind. Bra fitting was not the sort of thing most mothers would be talking to their 13-year old sons about.

"She invited us to come along to share the experience. Mothers are always so excited when their daughters start blossoming into women, and buying a first bra is a real milestone. I hope you are willing join them. It will be a lot of fun. Besides, you and Cathy have shared so many other first-event experiences over the years."

"Yeah, she has been my best friend. But ..."

Devon suspected this shopping experience was another step in mom's ongoing project to make up for the fact the she ended up with a son, not a daughter. Her selection of an androgynous name was the start of it all. A few months after Devon was born mom's best friend Sarah Stewart had delivered Cathy, and the two children had been brought up together almost as siblings. Both Nancy and Sarah were strong ecofeminists who believed in things like population control, meaning having only one child, and absolute gender equality, which meant non-gender directive upbringing. The result was that Devon and Cathy grew up in an environment where boys and girls were encouraged to do the same things and wear similar outfits. In practice that meant the Devon often played the role of a pretend daughter to Nancy and pretend sister to Cathy.

Mom and Sarah Stewart's idea of equality in upbringing allowed for distinctly girlish tendencies. Cathy had the more assertive personality so her interests usually one out. Devon though back to how Nancy and Sarah would buy both dolls and action figures for their children, but somehow the dolls ended up getting nearly all the play time. Story book purchases involved both heroes and strong heroines, but it seemed to Devon that he was always about girls and women doing wonderful things. For active playtime Devon and Cathy ran around in jeans and tee shirts, but the pants usually had decoration on the back pockets, and the tee shirts were often pink-trimmed or had a floral design on the chest.

"But what darling?" Nancy replied with concern and brought Devon's wandering mind back to the present.

"What will people think about me hanging around in the underwear section of a dress shop."

"Devon, I have told you many times that it does not matter what people think. Most people are bigoted, small-minded, and loaded with cultural baggage. You need to be yourself and express your own interests and values."

Devon had heard all this before. It seemed that mom was always setting him up in situations where he had to go beyond gender norms and do it openly and with confidence. Once Devon got beyond the initial reluctance he often found the situation pleasurable, and would show no resistance to repeat opportunities.

Devon never forgot the time when he was six or seven and there was a 'meet the Lilac Fairy' reception party after a City Ballet matinee performance of Sleeping Beauty. The day of the show mom took him over to Cathy's house where matching wannabe ballerina outfits were waiting. Nancy and Sarah fussed as they put Devon and Cathy into the tights, tutus and sequined 'I want to be a dancer' tops. They finished off the ballerina look with fake hair buns, eyeliner, blusher, and bright red lipstick. As the walked from the parking lot into the theater they saw lots of little girls in similar outfits. Still, Devon was terrified both sitting in the theater during the show and as they went backstage afterwards. Devon kept looking around and saw only girls, but no boys, at the stage party. He said something about this to his mother and was told, 'Just think of this as wearing a stage costume like the real dancers. Besides, you many not be the only pretty boy enjoying himself here this afternoon.' After that experience it became more and more common for Devon and Cathy to wear matching outfits when attending dance events in the big city, but as they grew older the choices were usually more unisex and less flamboyant.

"Will Cathy want me there? I mean, she is ..."

"Sarah and I talked this over with Cathy and she is totally cool with it. Her reaction is was that she has always been willing to share her growing-up experiences with you. Besides, there is nothing embarrassing about girls undies. Come on, it will do you good to learn."

"Learn what!" Devon almost shouted.

"Dear, I have always tried to teach you to be a gentle, artistic, sensitive human being who appreciates and understands girls and women. I want to be sure you do not end up like that chauvinistic pig your father was, and probably still is."

Devon though about all the negative things he had heard about his father. No wonder she hates men Devon thought. I know she wishes I had been born a girl.

"OK, I'll go tomorrow. Just so I don't have to wear a dress and high heels," Devon joked.

Nancy brushed off the joke. "No dress for you, but I think a pair of your black stretch pants and a pink pullover would look good."

"Can I go to my room now?"

"Certainly, but be sure to change into something nice before dinner. We're going out with the Stewarts tonight."

Normally Devon would be hanging out with Cathy after school, but now she was in Level 4 gymnastics and had practice tonight. Years ago they had started pre-gymnastics together. Cathy declared that she no longer wanted to play baseball, and Devon agreed to drop the ball team to be able to continue to do the same activities as her. The beginner gymnastics classes were officially coed, but Devon never saw another boy in the studio. For a few years Devon kept up with Cathy as they learned increasingly difficult stretching, balance, and tumbling moves. The more advanced classes were officially for girls only, but Nancy asked for special permission. There had been a question about what Devon should wear. The gym director had told Nancy that as long as Devon wore a really tight dance belt underneath he could wear the same leotard as the girls, and that settled the issue. Of course, the matching leotard idea delighted Cathy.

Devon's problem occurred last year with the auditions for advancing to the next level. Being able to do the splits and a full backbend were considered an essential criteria to decide if the girls had enough flexibility to safely do the next level exercises. Cathy was able to easily slide down to the classic front splits position and could comfortably arch her back and look up. When his turn came to do the splits Devon struggled and was in great pain with several inches remaining between his thighs and the floor. He desperately tried a backbend, but the spotter had to catch him before his hands got half way down. That night there had been an extended discussion between Nancy and Sarah with the resolution that Devon's physical limitations should not hold Cathy back from something she loved. Devon was given the option of saying with the less talented girls for at least another year, but decided to drop gymnastics.

In the weeks that followed Cathy tried to console Devon, but her explanations made him feel worse. There were just some things like hip flexibility where female hormones gave a distinct advantage she kept telling him. It was Devon's first confrontation that with approaching puberty he and Cathy were going to change in different directions, and that there were a lot of things that he would not be able to do with her anymore.

"Are we still best friends forever?" Devon asked.

"Of course you are my BFF, but you know BFF can stand for something else, too," Cathy replied with a wink.

The afternoons when Cathy was away at gymnastics had given Devon time to sit at his computer and explore. He had never liked the violent action video games that boys his age were excited about, but he enjoyed exploring sites related to art, music, dance, and things like that. One day, while searching for New Orleans jazz music he stumbled on a video called "I am Jazz." This was his first real exposure to the topic of growing up transgender and he was inspired by this child's story. Next he started following web links and viewing other things related to gender identity. The ideas confused him. Were there really boys who were attended school dressed as girls and used the girl's restroom? Was it possible for a biological boy to look as beautiful as Kim Petras? He found other sites about European t-girls like one called genderkinderen, but a lot of these videos were in Dutch or German and he could only enjoy the pictures and struggled to guess at the dialog. He also found a few high-quality sites dedicated to legal and medical issues for gender non-conforming teens. Devon was internet savvy enough to use private browsing so history would not be saved, and he wrote key web addresses on a piece of paper rather than using browser bookmarks. He figured he was covering his tracks, but is hard not to leave slip up occasionally and leave some digital breadcrumbs.

For weeks Devon had been struggling with how the things he was discovering on the internet applied to him. He reasoned that since he absolutely was not attracted to boys he couldn't possibly be a girl inside. On the other hand, he did not seem to have typical male interests in girls either. Maybe being such close friends and growing up with Cathy had taken much of the romantic mystery out of boy-girl relations for him, but he wondered about what was going to happen in the next few years when hormones hit them both. For Cathy the process was already starting. Devon wished he could talk to someone about all this. He was afraid and needed to find a low-risk way to open a conversation with Mom. He leaned back on his bed and wondered why mom and Sarah wanted him to go with Cathy tomorrow.

Since mom had told Devon they were going out for dinner he called Cathy as soon as he was sure she was back from gymnastics. "What are you wearing for dinner?"

"Nothing fancy, my new Calvin Klein jeans and a pink blouse. How about you?"

"I'll do the same. See you at Olive Garden later."

Devon and Cathy still had a lot of matching or complementary outfits and knew their moms enjoyed seeing them dress alike. At Nancy's insistence Devon always kept his hair rather longish and neatly trimmed in a totally unisex style. When Devon went clothes shopping with Cathy it was not really obvious to strangers if they were two girls or a girl and a boy; and if anyone figured it out nobody ever said anything.

That evening Devon and Nancy met Sarah and Cathy for dinner at the Italian restaurant. Eating out was frequent since neither mom had much time for cooking. Sarah complimented Devon on his appearance: jeans that exactly matched Cathy's but a pale blue girl's blouse. "I see we have a boyish girl in pink and a girlish boy in blue tonight, how cute."

Devon blushed. "Not so loud, the next table might hear. Mom asked me to wear something nice, and I called Cathy to coordinate."

Sarah kept on topic. "Tomorrow Cathy is getting fitted with her first real bra. Before long she will be going from pre-teen blouses to ones with a fuller cut and darts on the side. What are you going to wear then, Devon?"

Devon looked down shyly and Nancy cut in. "We'll have to see, won't we?"
______________

The next morning the two mothers loaded Cathy and Devon into the car for the shopping adventure. As promised, Devon was wearing his black stretch pants, a wide ornamented belt, ballet flats on his feet, and a girl's style pink pullover on top. His hair was neatly brushed, and he had used a plastic headband to keep strays back from his face. Nancy looked approvingly at Devon's appearance, distinctly feminine, but so subtle that someone would need to being paying attention to notice.

The conversation turned to clothes and makeup as they drove to Fashion Towne Mall. Sarah and Nancy were teaching Cathy about the difference between looking like a strong, self-confident woman and looking like a frivolous, plaything for men. Meanwhile, Devon was along for the ride, and attempts to draw him into the conversation were met with one-word answers. They found a parking place convenient to the mall wing where the TG Dress Shop was located and headed inside.

"Come on, Devon. This is going to be fun," exclaimed Cathy with her usual outgoing personality.

They were a bit early for their scheduled fitting appointment so they took time to browse at various women's wear shops along the way. Evening dresses, casual wear, sports bras and tights were familiar to Devon, but the excited chatter was becoming too much. He looked at Cathy and realized that she was developing more and more of a feminine figure while he was stuck without the slightest hint of curves. At least he had not started to develop a masculine build either, but he dreaded the inevitable.

Finally, they came to the ornate sign for the Teen Girl Dress Shop in its fancy script and rainbow colors. Entering they were immediately greeted by Brianna Mitchell in her signature dressed-to-kill outfit consisting of dramatic but tasteful makeup, a short skirt with black mesh panty hose encasing her shapely legs, and a open-neck top that showed plenty of cleavage. "Welcome, you must be Mrs. Stewart with your wonderful daughter, Cathy. Yes? Well, I am here to make this a marvelous day for you. And this must be Nancy and Devon Abell? I have heard about Devon too."

Devon wondered what that last remark meant as they were directed to the intimates section of the store. Brianna indicated that he should wait on the couch while she lead Cathy back into the fitting rooms. Devon's eyes wandered around the store. If the goal had been to make him jealous of Cathy this was going to do it. The entire place was a celebration of youthful femininity with sections devoted to intimate wear, dresses ranging from practical to sensuous, and really stunning athletic wear suitable for track stars, gymnasts and cheerleaders.

After what seemed like an eternity Cathy emerged with distinct breasts pushing out the fabric of her blouse. "Devon, do you think I look good in a heavily padded A-cup? So far I have gotten a sports bra with lots of real support, some plain white bras for everyday, and this sexy one to wear when I what to show off what I will look like naturally in a year or so. Brianna has been taking keepsake pictures of the whole fitting process for Mom and me to remember this day by. I told her I wanted to get a few pictures with my BFF, but she insisted I cover my bra up with a blouse for any pictures outside the fitting area."

Somewhat reluctantly Devon got up and stood next to Cathy and they put arms around each other's waists. Brianna took a few pictures then encouraged them to try some more 'exciting' poses including snuggled really close together on the couch and standing facing each other chest to chest. Meanwhile Nancy and Sarah looked on approvingly. Suddenly Devon burst into tears.

"What's wrong? Aren't you happy for Cathy?" asked all four women as they hugged Devon.

"I ... I ... I'm so confused. I don't know how to say this but ..."

Brianna was very experienced in situations like this. Besides, Mrs. Stewart had briefed her about Devon's personality and about how he and Cathy had grown up sharing experiences together.

"Everything's OK, Devon. You might not believe me, but I understand your situation completely."

Devon did not know what to think. Fear, jealousy, curiosity, even a bit of awakening sexuality all ran through his mind. He wondered what Mom knew and what she may have told Brianna.

Brianna continued in her most reassuring voice. "I think you want to have breasts too. Don't you, Devon? You are not the first boy who has ever felt that way, and I know how to help special boys like you in touch with their feminine side. Do you want me to take you back for a fitting? I have bras that can make you look like a pretty girl."

Devon was near panic. He looked from Nancy to Sarah to Cathy and back.

"Devon, if you want to have a bra fitting that will be totally all right with me," said Nancy calmly.

"It would be neat if my BFF had boobs too."

Sarah cut in, "Cathy, use proper language. But, Devon, I also will be totally supportive if you are brave enough to do it. I think this is right for you."

Nancy put her hand on Devon's shoulder. "Dear, I suspect this is something you have secretly wanted. You did a pretty good job covering your tracks on the computer, but there were a few hints. I know you have been spending a lot of time exploring gender-related topics. Being gender-nonconforming is nothing to be ashamed of. Follow your heart, not social constraints."

Brianna was always quick to close a sale. "How about it Devon? Can I take you back to the fitting room now and show you some nice bras?"

Nancy and Sarah answered together. "It's OK to do it."

"If you get a padded bra then we can keep buying matching outfits," encouraged Cathy.

Devon was almost trembling as Brianna lead him and Nancy back into the fitting area, ushered him into a booth, asked him to take his shirt off, and took a quick pair of measurements. "Don't be embarrassed by me, just think of yourself as another girl. Hmmm, this is encouraging. Even though you have a slender build there is a distinct bit of puffiness on your chest. Estrogen-mimicking environmental chemicals cause that in lots of boys these days. Some boys are really embarrassed about having man boobs, but in your case it will be a treasure. I know just what will work, a 36 AA with full 'add-two-cups' padding. I'll be back in a minute."

While waiting for Brianna to return Devon and Nancy looked at each other. "Anything you want to say, dear?"

"Mom, I have been thinking about this sort of things for weeks, and ..." He was choking up.

"That's OK, sometimes it is hard to find the courage to begin a delicate conversation. Sarah and I figured that bringing you hear might be the trigger. Wasn't Brianna supportive once you began to express your self?"

Brianna returned with an armful of merchandise. "Is our new girl ready for her fitting?" she teased. "You don't mind me calling you a girl, do you, Devon?"

"I'm OK with that. Thanks."

"You know a big reason my mother started this business was to be a resource for helping boys who want to be girls. I think you are one of those, aren't you?"

After a few rounds of trying on various bras Devon was equipped with the TG Dress Shop first-fitting special combination. Given his build they had selected a dark blue fully lined sports bra, a three-pack of white lightly padded everyday bras, and a pink well-padded figure-enhancer. With Nancy's enthusiastic consent Brianna used the digital camera to document the fitting room process with factual, non-erotic images. Devon blushed as Brianna gushed, "The first bra is such a special occasion that mothers and daughters always want to be able to remember it in the privacy of their homes."

Next, she had Devon put on his pink pullover top which was tight-fitting before, and now was really stretched by the well-padded bra underneath. Cathy jumped off the couch in excitement when Devon reappeared from the fitting area. Of course, they had to redo their series of pictures together, but this time Brianna added extra ones showing them facing with their breasts close together. She even took a few with them lightly kissing with their arms wrapped around each other in a clean teen girlfriends pose.

Brianna went into her usual marketing mode. "Cathy, be sure to tell all your friends about the great experience you had at the Teen Girl shop. Here are some discount cards you can give the girls at your school to encourage them to come in for some dress and accessory shopping. My mother, Ann, and I pride ourselves on running the most fashionable store in the mall for pre-teen and high school girls. Thank you for becoming a customer." Then she turned and got more serious. "Devon, your mother is proud of what you did today. You made a decisive step. Give yourself a few days to think about how far you want to go in becoming a girl. If you start quickly you can transition before your male parts start pumping out testosterone. Here is a flyer with contact information for community resources that will be a big help if you and your mom decide that you should feminize further. My information is on this card. You can always contact me if you want to talk about social life, transitioning, or anything else."

Nancy, Sarah, and Cathy thanked Brianna for everything. Devon was getting emotional again. "Brianna, I don't know how to thank you enough for what you convinced me to do today."

Brianna gently brushed her hair back, put her hand on her shapely hips, and smiled coyly. "I want you to look back on today with the fondest memories. You are starting on a new path, but want to reassure you that I will be there to help. Making the transition from boy to girl is challenging and even painful at times. I know from personal experience."

The End