Stories and verse by Jenny W83
There’s a girl that I hold prisoner,
I don’t want to but I do,
Sometimes when I’m feeling bold,
I promise her the world,
But once we step outside the door
My word I cannot keep
I tease her tell her things we’ll see,
But we never get to close,
I’m scared she’ll get away from me,
And finally be free,
Could it be this world’s for her?
Or is it just a trap,
For once she’s free I’ll be no more
When she’s out she’s out for good,
Will this world be kind to her?
Or throw her in a ditch.
Will she see the sights she seeks?
Or hide away in fear
Will she get to live her life?
Or lose it just for trying
Is my breath without freedom worth the breathing?
Is a day without hiding worth dying?
Someday I hope to know.
There’s a girl that I hold prisoner,
But I’m the one confined.
“I am sorry we are no longer in need of your services.” what a line of crap, they said the company was downsizing but I had just trained someone new for my department apparently they liked my work well enough to have me train my own replacement. The line about downsizing just a little C.Y.A.* in today’s warm fuzzy bunny world no one wants to say we are firing you because your Transgendered. I know with my build at 5’8 170 lbs plus a little padding in all the right places I was no beauty queen but I also didn’t scream freak ether. What now if it isn’t Spokane’s finest with their red and blue lights? My bad day just got worse, apparently in my rage I’d been speeding just a little well 20 mph over really isn’t that little. The silver lining to the $100 ticket at least he called me ma’am! I swear that will never get old.
Please forgive me I’ve just been ranting and I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Jennifer, my friends call me Jenny. I am a 29 year old transgendered woman who just finally got approved for hormone therapy, came out at work and I have been living full time for about a month now. I live with my best friend Sarah and her husband David. They have been very supportive and without them I would never have made it this far with my wrists intact. Sadly due to the recently poor economy they have both lost their jobs in the last three weeks, today it was my turn.
I finally make it home and as I go to put the key in the lock I discover I still have my office key, so which key did I turn into my supervisor? That would be my house key and it just started raining. No one else is home yet, probably still pounding the pavement. God I hope one of them has good news. So I call Sarah, hey how far away are you? yeah I don’t have my key. It’s a long story I’ll tell you when you get home. She’s 20 minutes away at best so I take a seat in my old truck, lean back the seat and wait. God I wish, if you are up there, why I couldn’t have been born a normal woman? And that’s the last thing I remember.
*C.Y.A. = Cover your a*ss
I woke up the next morning to the smell of breakfast. I was lying in my bed wondering how I got here when I noticed the first strange thing. It’s not really a strange thing in that it was just a pillow but I only have the one and my head is currently resting on it. So where did this mystery pillow come from? It has a matching pillow case so it looks like it belongs. My thoughts of mystery pillows is quickly interrupted by a few things I’m hungry, it smells like breakfast, and I need the bathroom urgently. That’s when I sat up and my mind exploded. I am wearing something with a little lace and not a lot else, completely out of character I hate my body why would I show it off with lace. But today there’s something else my breasts there huge, not really huge but average everyday C cup sized breasts and there mine and there real at least they look real and, Oh MY GOD they feel real. Suddenly I’m not that hungry or at least I don’t notice anymore. But I do really need that bathroom I throw off my covers and that’s when I notice the very lacy see through panties and they don’t need any help maintaining a feminine look my waist is narrow my hips are wider I’ve got curves in all the right places and nothing I shouldn’t have I’m so excited. I forget about the bathroom and scream for Sarah to come quickly. She burst through my bedroom door as I stand up to meet her.
“What’s wrong Jen?” she asks.
“Nothing’s Wrong” I say in reply “look at me I’m normal “
“Well nothing about you is normal but what are you hyper about?”
“My Body silly it’s a woman’s body completely Female in every way that I can tell!”
“Yes it is” she says “and while I’m completely jealous of the figure That you are completely showing at the moment why are you so excited about it today? Or does Tom have something to do with that”
It’s then that I notice Sarah is 5’6” I’m 5’8”, neither of us is wearing shoes. Why is she taller than I am? Why does she not think it is weird that after 24 years of prayer I finally woke up a woman? And wait a minute who’s Tom?
“Hold on a sec” I tell her” I need to use the bathroom then we will talk.”
I grab my robe put it on and run across the hall to the bathroom. Now we all know that these quick trips work one of two ways so I will spare you the details and just say that I was not disappointed with the process. I return to my room to find Sarah sitting on my bed waiting for my return.
I asked her again “you mean to tell me that you don’t think anything is off about my appearance today.”
“You don’t recall that for the entire time I’ve known you that I’ve had a very mannish figure until this morning and that my name was John until a month ago.”
Sarah’s reply threw me more than my apparent overnight transformation.
“Nothing’s odd about your appearance, you’ve never had a mannish figure, and I would have NEVER had a bridesmaid named John.”
As odd as the situation was I felt the need to prove I was not hallucinating and that she was the one whose history was off. So I grabbed one of my work shirts with the embroidered name tags that my former company refused to change “so what is this?” I said pointing to my name tag.
“It’s um, a name tag.”
“And what name does it say?”
“Jennifer”
Her reply startled me I turned the shirt to look. Sure enough it did say Jennifer on the tag. The inside tag reveled it to be a woman’s medium issued to Jennifer instead of the men’s large issued to John. I dropped the shirt to the floor and reached for the vendor pass on my work bag that too was in the name Jennifer with a very pretty face where my picture was yesterday. Wait I turned in my vender pass yesterday with my office key which was actually my house key. I checked my keys the house key was back next to my office key. I will have to find a good way to mark those I thought. I then went to my book shelf to check my high school yearbooks in all of them absent was the man I had tried to be for so long in all of them was a very pretty very popular Jennifer. I sat on my bed next to Sarah crying. “This is the happiest day of my life why am I so sad that I can’t prove what I don’t want to have been through.” To her credit Sarah just hugged me and told me everything would be okay. Then she suggested breakfast before it gets cold. I suddenly remembered my tummy it was indeed hungry.
That’s when I saw my proof. I ran from Sarah’s arms and picked up a man’s button up shirt lying on the floor. “If I have never been a man then what is this? And where did it come from?”
“That is Tom’s shirt.” She said.
I had almost forgot about Tom she said his name before, but who was he? Why was his shirt on my floor? That’s when I remembered the first strange thing of the day the mystery pillow.
Sarah and I walk down the hall, past the living room into the kitchen. I expect to see David in the kitchen,
wonderful smells are usually his fault but we always forgive him. I stop dead in my tracks it's not David.
The creature in front of me is at least 6'0 tall, with short brown hair that's messed from sleep and not yet combed. wearing nothing but long black shorts and MY pink and blue striped slippers. {No wonder I couldn't find them.} He has just the right amount of muscle on his body lite definition that shows he's strong without looking like a body builder and deep blue eyes that make me week in my knees. I feel all kinds of warm inside at the sight of him.
He hands me a plate with bacon, eggs, and french toast my favorite breakfast. as I take the plate he steels a kiss just a quick peck on the lips but enough to throw me of balance. it's a good thing he is still holding the plate or my breakfast would be on the floor. I gather my thoughts this must be Tom. as I take hold of the plate his hand hooks the inside of my robe pulling it open just enough to get a look at my breast in its lacy covering. I swat his hand away. he looks hurt and says "what I already saw them Last night!"
My Mind is fuzzy what happened yesterday?, Why am I a woman?, Do I still have my job now?, who is this Tom?, how long have I known him?, and why is there a ring on my finger? A What there is a ring on my finger. a single gold ring on my finger with a small square diamond in it. I'm engaged to Tom who I've never meet before but apparently we slept together last night.
I take the plate back to the living room and sit down to eat. Tom grabs his own plate, sits down next to me and says "quite a night last night."
"You have no idea." was my only reply I stick a piece of bacon in my mouth its heaven just crisp enough without being crunchy the eggs are perfectly cooked and the french toast is to die for no wonder I said yes.
"This food is really good I think I'll keep you."
"I hope so I'd kinda like to keep you too." we kissed again this time was not such a shock he tasted like maple syrup.
then the phone rang I broke our kiss to look at the phone. It was work guess now is as good a time as any to find out if I still have a job.
"hello"
"Sorry to bother you but we need you to come in early there's been an accident and we need you on site."
"okay I'll be in soon"
Wait that call should have gone to a supervisor why was I called? I check my phone it's 7:00 on a Saturday. I tell the room I've got to go in to work early, some one's had an accident. I go back to my room to get dressed, no time for a shower today I groan and I check the work badge "supervisor" When did that happen? I look at my self in the full length mirror on the back of the door and drop the robe. My first real look at myself I'm about 5'4" now the bra I just grabbed from the drawer says 34C its lavender with just a hint of lace I take the matching pantie a place them on the bed I strip out of my little black lace baby doll nightie put on my under clothes followed by the uniform shirt from before and some black paints size 8 black socks with black tennis shoes complete the outfit add a quick touch of light makeup I grab my purse, my work bag and I'm out the door. I don't see my truck anywhere I reach in my purse grab my keys there's a remote I push the unlock button and a lite blue 2010 Dodge Neon beeps hello. I hop in and I'm off. There's not a lot of peace on my trip into work, so many changes what do I think of it all heck I've never been out on a date in my life. Now I'm engaged and what happened at work I hope everyone's alright.
Once upon a time there was a small child, and like all children do they dreamed there dreams and played there games,
But something was different, this child didn't play the games that other People thought they should, they didn't act the way others thought they should. The Child didn't know they were different, other children played the games they played and dreamed the dreams they did, If others could then why can't I.
The World is cruel and the child learned how bad they were for being who they were. The Child didn't want to be bad, so they did the things they thought they should and not the things they wanted to. That's the way this child died not in body but in soul. and from that child a person grew and good did come from tragedy. a person thought, if I will never be happy others can, I'll do my best to bring them joy and be the best that I can be, but when you live how others want true joy you'll never find.
When They thought all hope is lost the person grew to know, I must be who I am not who they want, but what I want I do not know, it's been so long since I've asked who am I?, what do I want? Now I sit, a shell am I, I can not know who I am, I can not be who they want.
The girl in camouflage she hides,
behind the mask behind the lies,
she feels so safe invisible,
what she's lost she can not count,
the man she loves,
he does not know,
he can not see the girl that hides,
behind the mask behind the lies,
he can not know how much she cares,
the camouflage that keeps her safe,
behind the mask behind the lies,
they keep her back from what she wants,
they keep him from approaching her,
until the day the mask dissolves,
the truth is told the vale removed,
she'll never live, he'll never know,
the'll be forever held apart,
behind the mask behind the lies
Some times you find yourself experiencing Emotional turmoil, for me it helps to vent these feelings onto the written page or in my case the typed word; sometimes those words do such a wonderful job of conveying your inter turmoil that they nag at you until you finally share them. The form these words take would cause many to worry for the person who wrote them, TO all who read this I am in no immediate danger and 39 days have dulled the hurt SO without further ado "You Say Good Morning"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
You smile and say good morning like the world isn’t in turmoil, I smile and say good morning because I can’t handle that you don’t see that the world is falling apart around us. Voices of my mother’s demons crawl inside my head and tell me lies until I believe them. Little things conspire against me, little things that can’t but do. My every error in judgment or character flaw saved and replayed all inside my head so I never forget my failings and I wonder why me? Why did I have to wake up today and still breathe? Why me? Why must I carry this burden on my back? When will I fall? when will the voices get to loud and the weight get to much to bear, while the people, places, and things conspiring against me finally amass an army big enough to conquer the walls I’ve put up to protect me from myself. When will I fall? WHY CAN’T I FALL? Now you tell me the thing that keeps me sane will kill me sooner, like it would be a bad thing if I died young. You tell me how young I am because you don’t see the struggle I have made to get this far, and while you have walked further in your journey, I have no idea how I made it this far. AND YOU, YOU WANT ME TO GO FARTHER. I am tiered and I am done but I can’t stop because what would it do to my loved ones? What have they done to me? When you wish those loved ones would die already so you don’t have to deal with the guilt of not seeing them so they don’t trigger your past. I am five. You naive little girl in a naive little world you think it is an innocent question. I laugh you have no Idea that Bomb squads and storm chasers would run if they had to answer: What kind of juice would you like this morning? If I had known then what I know now; I never would have answered, I never would have told my mother Orange juice, I would have run from that house and never looked back. Wrong wire cut damage done 26 years later I can be that little girl again in the blink of an eye. You ask me what would it do to her, I hope she finds me, with a blood stained note that says “Mother you were the first straw and the last”. In comparison my father was a saint, always making sure I had a plan B with his constant question: What will you do WHEN you fail? Why do you try when you can't succeed? And the wonderful way he learned to vanish when Tropical storm MOTHER rolled into town and ruined everything. Thank you Father I am glad I got to handle that ALL BY MY SELF at the ripe old age of 5 I handled that storm ALL BY MY SELF while watching out for 4 others who were less equipped then I, But good news at 12 when the storm was at its worst you were gone when they came to drag my mother away. I don’t know how to sleep anymore; it is quiet now I keep waiting for the storm of 7 years, how can I sleep I won’t see it when it comes, and the monsters in my dreams now make Stephen king seem like bed time stories for small children. What would it do to him? how would he feel if he found me? Never mind he forgot me again 32 and the world didn’t notice but don’t worry I was not completely forgotten MY insurance agent sent me a birthday card. What would it do to my loved ones? If I fell after fighting for 32 years fighting someone else’s battles against someone else demons just to be forgotten and discarded. Statistics give me 43 more years; I have walked less than half way but some days I wonder if there is a tomorrow, would it be so horrible if there wasn’t? When the idea of following in my mother’s footsteps right in to that padded cell stops sounding like a bad thing, but I have been SOO hungry it hurt to eat, why would I stop to look after myself when I have more on my plate at work for less pay then those around me and I am still not making it to payday with food in the cupboards but I make too much money for help, no help with food, no help for the demons, my only hope is that one day it gets so bad someone takes my choice away and takes away my chances of success in this life, because the most valuable lesson my mother taught me is that no one gives opportunities to those who have been forced into mental health care, but no one cares until you are a clear and present danger to someone important. I was 5,6,7,8,9,10,11, and 12 but I was never so important that my safety mattered, so why should I matter now. Good morning =D.