The rain droned on endlessly outside. The darkened basement broken by flashes of lightning.

"Blasted stupid internet provider they cannot get anything fixed properly, I told them like 8 times already that it wasn't working whenever it rained."

The now dead line to Rachel was no use listening too. The phone click signaled the hang up, unlike the old days of rotary phones with the handset today it was just a simple click of a button and you were done. The conversation replayed out in her head.

"Why does Rachel Insist I am a girl?" was said outloud.

In a singsong mock voice" Girl you are so much a girl its not even funny"

"But I am supposed to be a boy."

"Maybe a girlie girl Tom boy!"

"You bitch!" ok not the best argument."

Giggles followed. " I have to go pick up my daughter, Mom is calling me, Chat later k."

With a sigh"K.."

"Bye my girly girl girlfriend Tanya" Click.

She was always doing that it was so frustrating. Why was she so positive I am a girl. I work on cars, ride snowmobiles and dirty bikes, like how much more "manly" do I have to be to convince people.

It wasn't just Rachel either, all my life people have repeatedly referred to me as a girl. Is there some part of me that broadcasts it? Can I have it surgically removed?

The silence was broken by the phone ringing.

"Hello"

"Hi is Martin there please."

"Its me Dad."

"Oh." Silence followed for a few seconds," Anyways I am just phoning to let you know your invited to a family dinner this saturday. You have to dress like a boy."

He did this to me every single time. Your invited but your not really invited.

"Dad" I sighed he just.." I'll try ok no guarantees."

Click

As usual I am invited and he doesn't tell me the time or ever where it is. So am I really invited? And how long will it be before he calls me by my name?

With a sigh Tanya stands up from her chair smoothing out the wrinkles in her A line skirt with the pink and white rose patterns. Her pale pink deep V neck top with the small puffy sleeves showed off her ample cleavage. The mid back length red wavy hair drifting from side to side as she daintily walked and then climbed upstairs to her room. Once again looking into her mirror.

"I don't see what people are talking about. I look like a guy in a dress. I am not a girly girl!"

Understanding Rachel part 2

Rachel ran when she heard the phone ring. She looked at the number, and realized it was her friend Tanya, and smiled as she picked up the phone.

“Hi girlfriend!” She sang.

“Who is this girlfriend? I’m a boy.”

“Sweetie, nobody buys that. You look like a girl, act like a girl, dress like a girl, sound like a girl, everyone treats you like a girl....”

“My dad calls me by my boy name. Proves I’m a boy.”

“No way, sister. He treats you like a girl whenever he isnt actively thinking about it. He has to FIGHT himself to even think of you as a boy.”

“I know, I know. I just feel like I should at least try, for his sake.”

“And make yourself miserable? Hon, If being a boy made you happy, I’d back you one hundred percent. But I dont want to see you hurting yourself, trying to be someone you’re not, for his sake, or anybody else’s.”

“Well, that’s enough about me. How are you doing? I know the mother’s day stuff had you upset.”

“It hurts like heck that my family cant seem to manage calling me Rachel, and keep using male pronouns for me. But I dont know if I should speak up, or just let it go. Its not like they dont have a point. I dont look like a girl, I never acted like a girl as a kid. Heck I was married and fathered a kid. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m just trying to hide, because being a man is scary to me.”

Rachel began to cry.

“Sorry. Stupid female hormones have me all over the place.”

“I wouldnt know about those. I’m a guy, after all.”

“Rachel laughed through her tears, and said, “Yeah, right. You’re having a bloody PERIOD, for heaven’s sake. Know too many guys with one of those?”

“Not proven, so not true.”

The two women talked and laughed for another twenty minutes, and then Rachel looked at the clock and then said, “Sweetie, I better go. Work tonight, assuming I dont hurt myself again.”

“Okay hon. Take care. I hope I made you feel a bit better.”

“Always, hon. Always. Take care.” Rachel said, and then hung up the phone.

She shook her head about her friend. How could anybody so girly sit there and try and argue she was a guy? She sighed, and then went to get ready for work.

“Ah well” She thought as she brushed her hair out of her eyes a luxury she relished, “I’ll convince Tanya eventually. Nobody that fem should pretend to be a boy. She just has to face the fact she’s a girl. ”

So saying she slipped into her steel toed shoes and put on her jacket that carried her keys and wallet so she wouldnt have to fight with a purse at work, and went to her car.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the rear-view mirror, and shuddered. She had a bit of five-o'clock shadow, and hated it. She fought back her tears, and drove off.

Another day was set to begin. Another challenge awaited.

And with the love of her friends, she’d see it through.

"Gaaa what is with that girl!" Tanya was frustrated again.

She does this to me everytime we talk! It's not fair! Rachel is so much a girl it's not even funny but she believes that just because she 'fathered' a child that makes her a man. Yeah right mother is more like it. She is all depressed because it was mother's day and nobody called her mother. I can see how it is killing her inside. I even insisted multiple times she was a mother but she just argues.

Then she starts on this 'The only one that thinks your a boy is you everyone else shes a girly girl trying to be a tomboy"

That so not true! Dad calls me Martin all the time so do a number of people. They know I am a boy! I only wear girl's clothing because it fits! Is that so hard to understand. I look in the mirror and all I see is a guy in a dress. Yeah I have boobies, hips and my butt is huge but that doesn't make me a girl.

And yeah I have known my real name is Tanya for years but that's because it fits me where Martin is like so alien! It hurts that people call me that but I try to not let on about that.

My girlfriends love to take me shopping for my eye. And yeah so I get excited over a cute outfit and buy it but I mean there is plenty of boys that do that too.

Face it Tanya your just putting up a fight for the sake of other people you know your a woman. I shouldn't be though I was born male I should fight to be male right? God this hurts so much sometimes.

Anyways I am gonna go work on my car it needs some fixing. Lets see pants check, tshirt check. Clean underwear? Panties bra check, makeup? eh its ok just enough to hide my flaws not enough to make me pretty. Yeah right like there is enough on the planet to do that! Hair scrunchie! That's what I forgot!

But what to do about Rachel? I so ache for her! Hear is this wonderful woman, and dispite what she says she is all woman, who tears herself apart for what? Just so her family can insult her by calling her that fake name all the time! I so wish I could just slap them hard for being silly!

Purse check, meh this thing is getting heavy! I should clean it out again. How can guys get around with pockets mine would be overflowing in no time. Shit I forgot my pad! Stupid fardling things. I hate this part of being a woman so much. Stupid things so yucky to peel out of panties and then put a new one in. Yuck.

I should shove this in dad's face sometime and say 'Look dad menstrual blood. I am a girl' Giggle. Nah wouldn't work he would just run me to the hospital. Ok so it's never more than a few drops because of these pills I am on. Knowing him he would blame the pills. He is already convinced they are killing off his son. Strange Robert is still there even though my brother wont speak to me. Oh well.

I am scared again. But what of? I dunno. I should call Rachel back.. yeah that seems like a good idea.

Speedial a girl's er boy's best friend.

Understanding Rachel, Part 3

Rachel bounced home, feeling giddy. She slipped out of her unisex pants and shirt, and put on a pink robe , reveling in how it felt against her growing breasts.

“I have to call Tayna with the good news.” She thought, and so picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she heard

"Hey girlfriend." Squealed Rachel.
.
"Oh hey Rachel and its Martin. I am a boy can't you tell?"

"Oh my god!" Rachel giggled.

Dropping to her normal voice Tonya replied" What's so funny?"

“That voice. Is that supposed to be a butch voice?”

“Well, pilgrim, sure.”

“Needs work girlfriend. It just sounds like a girl with a cold. You wanna hear what a guy sounds like?” Rachel dropped her voice back down to where she used to talk, “This is how a guy sounds.”

“But I cant do that!”

“Dont know why you’d try. Its more fun to be a girl. After all, we’ve got the cookies.”

“You and your cookies. I’m upset about work.”

“ What’s going on hon?”

“My boss’s nephew came in and asked me why I wasnt in a woman’s uniform. Then he had them send me some skirts and blouses. He wants me to start wearing them to work!” Tayna cried.

“That’s wonderful! I wish I could wear skirts on my job. You’re so lucky!”

“But I’m a guy!”

“Nobody else gets that impression hon. Just join the fem parade it will be a blast!”

“You’re being mean. Besides, my dad says I’m a guy. He’d know, wouldnt he?”

“So he’s delusional. Besides, you’ve told me he treats you like a girl and has to fight to think of you as a guy.”

“But...I cant be a girl!”

Rachel softened her voice again, and said, “I’m sorry sweetie. If I thought for a miniute you’d actually be happy as a guy, I’d back you a hundred percent. But you arent exactly taking a lot of steps indicating thats the direction you want to go. You wear makeup every time you go out, you are in a skirt more than I am. Instead of trying to please your dad, why dont you please yourself?”

“Because i’m SCARED, Rachel! Every time I’ve let my inner girl out I’ve gotten hurt. I got RAPED for God’s sake. If I dont fight the urge to be a girl, every second of every day I ... I ...”

“I’m so sorry sweetie. Am I making it worse? Maybe I shouldn’t tease you so much. .”

“No, sweetie. You’re good for me. I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too. And this friend got some amazing news!”

“What?”

“My ex isnt going to keep me from seeing my kid even if I transition. my biggest barrier left is gone gone gone!”

“That’s fantastic news! To think, not long ago you told me this whole thing had to be impossible. What’s next?”

“Gender therapist again, and then name change. But this is why I worry about you hon. You sound so much like what I was before I started this. If you’d asked me then, I would have insisted I was a guy with an addiction to dressing and acting like a girl. And hiding and lying cost me so much, in fact it almost killed me. I’d hate for you to make the same mistakes I did.”

“I know hon. That’s why I dont really mind you teasing me.”

“Good. So what are you going to do about work?”

“I.. I dont know.”

“Well, big hugs from me while you think about it.” Rachel looked at the clock and said, “But I should go get dressed again. Kid will be here soon.”

“Take care, Rachel, And congratulations.”

“Bye wonderful girlfriend!”

“Bye, you crazy girl, you.”

Tonya fumbled open the door to her house. It may not be a big or fancy house being a 2 bedroom home. But it was hers err his. Mostly hers...his and the rest the banks.

The keys were still in the door lock as Tonya dropped everything, the take home file from work, her err his briefcase which was really a large purse, used, with the long strap removed and dyed black with a shoe marker. The other hand help 3 coat hangers with plastic covering what one would assume was dry cleaning. It wasn't it was the 'New" uniforms for work.

Tonya removed her manly work shoes that killed her feet. She then slipped on a pair of ballet slippers to ease the strain of her poor feet. She was upset still from that rightous pompous ass at work. How dare he!

Getting everything sorted out and in the kitchen along with the almost forgotten mass of keys from the door Tonya went to the fridge to pull out last nights leftovers. Setting the oven on low she removed the plastic wrap and put the plate into the oven to warm.

Next going to her bedroom she removed the tie, dress shirt, dress pants and sport coat of her old uniform. Sitting on her bed she removed her dress socks and put back on the slippers. Removing her sport bra that mostly squished her still developing small a cup breasts she threw that aside. It was then the tears came. The memory of work just spilled over as she sat on the edge of her bed in her panties.

It was a Monday morning much like any others. Martin was going into the office where he answered phones all day and helped customers. The new Office Manager, a nephew of the president, was greeting everyone that came into today. This was really an excuse to inspect everyone was wearing the uniform for work. Thinking nothing of it since he was wearing his normal uniform, clean shirt and tie he went to walk past him.

"Excuse me Marti."he said.

"Yes sir." Martin replied. The nametag N was worn off again.

"You do know that the regulation uniform for women is skirt suit and blouse."he stated. It wasn't really a question.

"Yes sir."repied Martin.

"Very good see you wear one tommorow."

Shocked Martin fumbled a reply that he didn't have one. The Manager just repied to get 3 from stores to replace them. He smiled while he said that. Martin didn't want to lose his job so he agreed. He was upset already so when the girls he worked with, and called him by his real name, saw him it was a round of "Tonya this and poor dear that". This was not helped by two or three others would commented that she should be wearing the proper girls uniform already and to stop pretending she was a guy.

It was the "pretending to be a guy" part that hurt the most. She was a guy dammit! It was the fault of those pills! She grabbed a meat tenderizer mallet and spread the pills on the cutting board ready to crush them. The tears and the pain was too much!

Ring Ring!

Who could that be? With no call display it was hit and miss between friends and telemarketers. I can't talk to anyone right now. Tonya left the phone ring. She looked in the mirror there was nothing to say she was a girl. At least not that she could see. Her makeup, she felt utterly nakid without some, was subtle. Brown mascara on the upper lashes no eyeshadow. Concealer, foundation, and powder to cover the few flaws. No blush and only a bit of lip balm for her dry lips. Nothing that said girl.

"I am a guy. I am a guy." her usual mantra when she was feeling down. She tried as hard as she could to be a guy for work and her father. Yet, as Rachel so often put it, people saw her as a girl anyways. So depressing. Tonya tried to bring down her voice into the normal guy range and practiced speaking like that for a few minutes.

Ring Ring!

The phone was ringing again. Her only guess was it might be Rachel who sometimes called just as she got home.

Putting on her best manly voice she answered as Martin.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hey girlfriend."Squealed Rachel. She was in a happy mood today.

"Oh hey Rachel and its Martin. I am a boy can't you tell?" still in her manly voice.

"Oh my god!"this was followed by very girlish laughter on the other end.

Dropping to her normal voice Tonya replied" What's so funny?"

Understanding Rachel Part 4

Rachel plodded in the door, her eyes still wet from tears. She carelessly threw her coat over a chair, and kicked off her work shoes. Her little dog Snoopy came bounding toward her, wagging her little tail furiously.Rachel picked up the small dog, and went to a couch. She stroked and cuddled with the dog for a few minutes, and then went to grab her phone.

“Gotta call Tayna.”

She let the phone ring, and when Tanya said “hello” she said, “Hey girlfriend" her voice was crackling as she spoke.

"Heya Rachel, and I'm a guy remember." Tayna said.

Usually Tayna’s teasing made her laugh, but she couldn’t manage one today.

"Yeah right you’re a boy and I'm a monster!"

"Say what?" Tayna replied.

“It was my day to pick up Sally from school. Last week, I forgot to change my top and some kids at her school realized I was wearing girl clothes, but nothing was said, so I let it go. But when I went to pick up Sally today, and some kids called me a monster. I cant believe this happened!”

“Okay, sweetie. Calm down. Where’s Sally now?”

“With her mom. I was able to drop her off early today. Not that I dont love spending time with her, but ...”

“You needed to deal with this without little ears listening.”

“Yeah.”

“Listen hon. You dont know for sure this had anything to do with them noticing your top. Why borrow trouble?”

“But what if they’re teasing Sally?”

“Has she seem upset when she sees you?”

“No ...”

“Then I wouldn’t worry about it. Come on, this is so minor, why are you freaking out?”

“She finishes school for the year next month. And that’s when I’m supposed to come out to her. I’m really scared, Tayna. What if she hates me?”

“Then you deal with it at the time, hon. You’re a good parent, and she’ll see that. And she’ll also see how much happier you are being Rachel, and that will help too.”

“Okay. But if she rejects me, I’m putting Rachel back in the closet for good.”

“Sweetie, you cant. Didnt you try and man up for years? How well did that work? And now that you’re letting the real you out, you think you could ever put on the mask full time and survive?”

“I ... I.. “

“I want you to promise me you wont do that. Because frankly, if you tried I fear it would kill you. Promise?”

“Okay. Fine. But you’ve got to help me girlfriend.”

“What girlfriend. I’m a boy, remember?”

“Dont hon. If trying to be a boy would hurt me, it would kill you quicker.”

“Okay, okay. Just for today, I’ll wont fight being a girl.”

“Thanks sweetie. I should go rest, I’m really tired.”

“Okay Rachel. Take care.”

“Bye.” Rachel hung up the phone, and laid down on a couch.

“Thank God for friends like Tayna.” she whispered, and then closed her eyes and fell asleep.

A lone figure approaches the door to her house.

Jingle jingle...clash..jingle and the door to the house opens. Immediatly the kitty cat who had been waiting patiently for her Mommy to come home starts in on her. Mew mew mew mew mew.

"Sorry sweetie mummy just got home." A few pets and little Pepper purrs in contentment all is well and Mommy is well trained.

Tanya thinks her cat is a little too overbearing as she removes the cat treat from the fridge and puts Pepper's preferred amount into a clean bowl. Cats are not picky no way!

After putting down the bowl to a very happy cat Tanya is able to take off her shoes from work. They are an androgynous pair of shoes. You could see them on men but most often saw women wearing them. The pair of microfiber black socks which could pass as womens tights, at least under pants came off next. The bad part to wearing them was that her feet smelled afterwards. Not horribly as would be the case with his father.

Tanya went to her bedroom to remove the rest of her work uniform. She just couldn't bring herself to wear the entire girls uniform to work. It just left her way to exposed. Although a part of her wanted to wear the skirt at work badly she didn't. Instead she worn a pair of slacks that matched the color of the uniform instead. This with the white blouse and its silly pearl looking plastic buttons. The itchy camisole underneath and then a normal bra instead of her usual sport bra.

The coat from her male uniform, which was a closer match to the pants that the girls coat, although they looked very simular in cut and style, which didn't matter as you usually took them off anyways followed the pants, blouse,and cami onto the bed to be put in laundry later, to be safe she would hand wash them. Tanya hated to hand wash stuff.

She hadn't worn a purse to work exactly just her normal fake briefcase. Choosing a light simple plain dress to wear for the evening. Comfy, easy to move around in. She reflected on house the new manager had reacted. To him she was mostly dressed correctly. He couldn't really fault her overall look though you could see on his face that he would have preferred to see her in a skirt. Some men are such letches.

Tanya was not ready to eat supper yet as she wanted to soak her feet first for awhile and relax after her very stressful full day at work, not counting last Halloween where she wore her French maid outfit, as a girl. She didn't die of fright, and she wasn't killed by anyone for appearing in 'Feminine garments unsuitable for a boy like him'.

The bath salts and small drops of oils added to the water of her small plastic bucket would work wonders on her feet. She went to the couch and put her feet down into the hot water. Painful at first but then quickly she could feel herself relax a bit here and there.

Mew mew mew Pepper was still not happy mummy had left her alone all day and needed her attention. Which in this case means jumping into her lap and shedding a few hairs all over her dress before snuggling down beside her to kneed a section of her hip.

Ring ring ring. Mmm who could that be?

"Hey girlfriend"Rachel said over the phone. The voice was crackling, from long experience Tanya knew that this ment Rachel was upset.

"Heya Rachel, and I'm a guy remember." Usually gets Rachel laughing.

"Yeah right your a boy and I'm a monster!" Ding!

"Say what?"

Understanding Rachel, Part 5

Rachel looked at her phone in shock as though it was responsible for what just happened. Her best friend Tayna had screamed at her, and then hung up on her.

Rachel began to feel the wetness of tears run down her cheeks, as she replayed the conversation over in her mind, and began to chastise herself for her behavior.

“Just because I think she’d be happier as a girl doesnt make me automatically right. Sure, I’m convinced that it's the rape that keeps her from accepting her girl side, but what if I’m wrong? I’d be no better than the people who tried to tell me I couldnt ever be a woman and I should just man up.”

“I mean, sure, she’s told me about the last time she tried stuffing Tanya into the closet, and how instead she ended up being literally unable to put on anything but skirts for more than a year. But if Martin is what she wants to be, then I will support HIM.”

“I have to phone him back and apologize.”

Rachel redialed the number and heard it ring.

“I hope he’ll pick up.”

Finally, just when Rachel was about to give up, she heard, “Hello?”

“I ... I just wanted to say I’m sorry. If you dont feel like being Tanya and need to be Martin, then I should be friend enough to accept that, and support you and not pull you down. Its.... Its not my place to decide for you who you should be. Its my job as your friend to love you no matter what you call yourself or what you wear.”

“I’m sorry too, Rachel. I know I’m really a girl, and that its Martin that’s the mask, but I... I’m just not ready yet. If I hadnt been dressing like Tanya, I wouldnt have been ... “

“Hon, it wasnt your fault, and I dont think it had anything to do with your presentation or your gender. Boys get raped too, you know. I was.”

“You were never a boy, no matter what you looked like Rachel.”

“Maybe. But my brother was abused by the same guy I was, and he’s definitely all guy.”

“But it hurts so much, Rachel. I cant be a guy, and I cant be a girl and....”

“I know hon. I know. I was there too, remember? And you helped me get through it. Let me help you in return.”

Tayna cried, and Rachel cried as well, and eventually both said “talk to you later”, and hung up.

Rachel put back the phone on its hook, and smiled through her tears.

“One crisis down. I wonder what’s tomorrow’s will be?”

She wiped her eyes, and got ready for her night shift.

“I guess I’ll find out, in time.”

The door to the house slammed against the door stop as a very dirty and sweat soaked I entered my house. It had been a long day. I had dirt under my grub tshirt and even into my sport bra. Working on old cars, doing minor repairs to major restoration work was not the cleanest job. It was a part time job that paid much needed cash. My nails were always ruined and the few small nicks in my skin here and there didn't exactly give a flawless skin complexion.

However mostly I was just bone tired. The hours drive relaxed me a little too much. I was still majorly pissed off though. First my real part time job doing customer service and that stupid Junior Manager Craig. And now even at this one. I should call Rachel maybe that will help.

Ring Ring Ring.. come on pick up the phone already!

"Hello" answers a familiar voice.

"Hey Rach its Martin."

"Oh hey girl and its Tanya not that icky boys name. You have to stop.." I cut her off.

"No its Martin. There is no Tanya. Tanya is a pipe dream that is never going to happen. I cannot be a woman as that would be death." In more ways than one. I shudder as certain memories start to surface and I quickly put them down.

"Look Tanya I understand where your.."

"IT'S MARTIN! What is so hard for you people to understand! All day at work today while I was working on cars. You know my part time thing. Anyways this one customer kept hitting on me saying it was so sexy that a woman like me works on cars. I told him I am not a girl but a boy named Martin. Hell even my boss and his wife know that and always refer to me as a boy with him, his, he. Never her, she. It says on my birth certificate even MALE!" I almost screamed into the phone to get my point across.

"Tanya your a girl and people see that no matter how hard you try to hide it. You have to understand that boys see that and they sometimes well they will try things."

"He PROPOSED TO ME!" I made it sound like I was totally disgusted but a part of me wasn't that part of me was pleased to no end and was contimplating.., NO can't go there.

"Oh was he cute at least?"

"That's not the point! I am not gay. I cannot go out with men! Gods even you you.. Oh nevermind your not helping GOOD BYE!" I turned off the phone ending the call and threw it towards the other end of the house not caring if it broke into pieces or not.

I had called her for support and what does she do. She keeps trying to make me believe I am a girl! The nerve of some people!

And that ass at work with his proposal and then at the office with Craig and then. Oh great now I am frigging crying! That's all I need.

I turned around and look towards my bedroom with its girly atmosphere. I can't enter that room its killing me. Can't these people see how much pain their comments cause me.

Tanya snuggles up against her couch on the living room floor plush carpet and cries herself to sleep.

Ring Ring Ring...

Where is that dam phone.

Ring Ring Ring...

"Hello?"

Understanding Rachel Part 6

Rachel bounced into her living room, finding herself giggling at every turn. Bit by bit, it was really coming together. Soon, she would be totally “out” with the last person who mattered in her life - her daughter Sally.

She’d been carefully broaching the subject of gender with her daughter, slowly building up the idea that some people are born in the wrong body, and need to get that fixed, and that Sally’s dad was one of those.

That Rachel was her true self.

Rachel thought she’d done as well as could be expected at building up the foundation, and very soon it would be time to do the “big reveal”, but for once, Rachel wasnt really stressing about it.

Bouncing over to the phone, she figured she’d share her good mood with her best friend Tanya, hoping to cheer her up.

“She’s really been feeling down lately. Maybe I can help.”

Ring, ring!

"Hey Rachel!"

"Hey my girly girlfriend" Rachel sings.
.
"Nope I'm a Manly Man Martin. Guess what? I won the lottery but there is one condition I have to be a man to claim it."

“Well, in that case, dont take it, they’re cheating you out of you.”

“Rachel ... I ... I cant do this anymore. I just had a fight with my dad, and .. I got to put Tanya to bed, for good. I ... I’m cleaning out my closet of everything girly.”

“which should leave you just about naked, as I recall. Come on. You’ve done this before, how well did it work for you? Didnt you end up spending a year where you couldnt even force yourself to wear pants?”

“It ... It doesnt matter. I ..have to be a boy... I have to be.”

“Okay then. But there are some things you should know about boys. One is that they dont spend hours on the phone talking to another boy.”

“A...another?”

“Yes MARTIN. If you do this, then so do I. I’ll put Rachel in the closet. Be a lot easier for me, since I actually have boy clothes I can wear. And then I wont have to worry about my daughter freaking out, or people calling me names, or anything. Plus, unlike you, I actually pass as a boy.”

“But you tried that, and almost died from high blood pressure. It’ll kill you.”

“A chance I’m willing to take. The fact is, I envied you. You didnt have to try to be girly, you just are. Even in boy clothes people thought you were a tomboy, called you miss and everything. I had to WORK to look or act even slightly feminine. So maybe I’m not really a girl at all, and the best thing for it would be to put the whole thing away and grow up. I mean, if someone as girly like you cant make it, what make me think I can?”

The was a long silence, and then Tayna said, “Rachel?”

“No Rachel’s here. Just some stupid boy.”

“I... I’m sorry. I wont let you do this. Promise me you wont give up?”

“Only if you do the same. Look, you need professional help to work through what happened to you. The fight with your dad is just topping. Its the rape that’s holding you back.”

“O....Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I.... I wont give up. You dont either, right?”

“Promise, my girly BFF.”

“Thanks Rachel.”

“Anytime. That’s what girlfriends do for each other, right?”

Tayna sniffed, and then said, “Right.”

“Talk soon?”

“Kay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

It had taken me most of the day to pack up all my girl stuff. There was alot more than I thought there would be. Most of the time was spent reminiscing. Got that dress there or that skirt there.. Come to think of it I don't really have that many pants period.

Oh well whatever but those 2 dress slacks and 1 dress shirt look bare in my closet. The ladies skirt suits for work I'll just return.

Panties I chose the most plain white ones I had. Just can't wear those baggy useless things men wear. Correction Tanya we guys wear. Oh shit did it again. Martin think Martin..

It was just too much too fast. I I can't handle it. It oh god here comes the damb tears again! Fucking mones!

Gods! It looks like I am moving out there was soo much girl stuff where did it all come from! Hells looking around this living room I can easily see it as being my sister's place. Shit gotta do something about that. Maybe some rock posters or uhm what do guys, grrr Us guys, usually have ... Blinds! Yes blinds instead of curtains. Uh no doilies under pots. Heck no pots of plants either. So drab and lifeless though.

Lets see what would Daddy, grrr DAD, do? Oh tools in the kitchen sink would be a good one! I have to leave my carpet get dirty and flat. Pity its so comfy to lay down on sometimes to read. Read oh yeah. Lets see get rid of the cosmo and Women first magazines get some car magazines.. Wait I think I have one somewhere here uh yeah lets see. Hot Rodder June 98. Wow that's old!

Ring Ring..

That's probably Rachel. Should I talk to her? Mmmmmm Giggle, STOP THAT!

"Hey Rachel!"

"Hey my girly girlfriend" always the girly comments shesh well I got solution to that giggle.

"Nope I'm a Manly Man Martin. Guess what? I won the lottery but there is one condition I have to be a man to claim it." Don't giggle or she will know your pulling her leg!

Understanding Rachel Part 7

Tanya took a deep breath, and then let it out.

Thanks to some suggestions from her friend Rachel, and counseling she was now getting, she felt she was making real strides in dealing with being raped, and the anxiety it caused relating to transitioning to being a woman.

To make things better, she had seen a doctor, and had an appointment soon to get a cat scan, the first step in the process to see how much surgery she would actually need to be the person she knew she was inside, however much she sometimes protested against it.

In short, she felt like things were going great, but there was one hang-up.

Her friend Rachel.

She’d tried phoning several times to share her good news, but hadnt been able to get a hold of the girl.

Worse, no one else had heard from her in almost a week either - no posts online, no entries in her blog, just silence.

For someone as prolific and compulsive about posting as Rachel, this was not a good sign.

Tanya dialed the number again, and just before the answering machine would have kicked in she heard the voice of an older woman, Rachel’s mother, saying “Hello.”

“Hi. Its Tanya. Is Rachel around?”

“My son is upstairs crying instead of taking care of business.” The older woman’s voice was tight with anger being barely kept in check.

“Crying? What happened?”

“”Her daughter found out about trying to be a girl. She found my son’s dress, and freaked, and has asked her mother to not make her come here any more. Thanks to my son playing dress-up, I’ve lost my granddaughter.”

“Oh no! Please, let me talk to Rachel.”

“I only took this call so you wouldnt keep calling back. Thanks to you and her other so-called friends my son tried to live in a fantasy-land where he was a girl, instead of growing up and taking charge of his life.”

“I thought you were okay with her.”

“I know, I encouraged this nonsense too, because it made my son happy. But I should have seen this coming. Just calling himself a girl wasnt enough. Nothing would be enough. Now, please dont call here anymore. My son needs people who will encourage him to act like the man he is, and not play games any more.”

With that, the old woman hung up the phone, leaving Tanya listening to the dial tone.

“Oh Rachel...” She cried.

She pressed the off button on the phone, and then pulled a number out of her phone book. She began to dial, saying to herself, “Well, this is an emergency ....”

“I hope this works.”

She pressed the off button on the phone, and then pulled a number out of her phone book. She began to dial, saying to herself, “Well, this is an emergency ....”

“I hope this works.”

"Well that's uh.. How am I suppose... Is that girl insane!"

Tanya was sitting at her computer reading the post online from Rachel. The first post in almost a week. The shock of the post boggled her mind. Was this a cry for help? If it was how the heck was she supposed to contact Rachel two provinces away?

While repeated phone calls at the beginning of the week had been unanswered she thought that Rachel was on vacation or something. This however led Tanya to believe her friend was in serious trouble.

"But to post my name over the internet for everyone to read like that!"

Tanya so wanted to swear but, as usual, couldn't bring herself to swear openly. All thoughts of her own unusual troubles from the girls at work took a back seat in her mind. Well sorta it was hard to forget that one of the girls at work had asked Tanya to be a bridesmaid. Something she could not do.

Tanya sent off another email, hoping beyond hope, that it would not be.. yep undeliverable address. Pulling up google she tried to see if there was someone she could possibly contact in Rachel's area to help but all she got was a help line listing for some illusion club. One Rachel had never been to.

With nothing better to do, well aside from feel like a small person because of that “I only took this call so you wouldn't keep calling back. Thanks to you and her other so-called friends my son tried to live in a fantasy-land where he was a girl, instead of growing up and taking charge of his life.”, Tanya got her used truck part and went outside completely oblivious to the pouring rain.

"Gods I hope this is all a really bad dream"because without her bff Rachel, Tanya had no real reason to exist anymore. The walls of Martin had been closing in slowly each day as Tanya was unable to cope with people more and more.

The rain mixed with tears falling unheeded down Tanya's face as she approached her truck.

"Please Rachel come back and talk to me. Please I need you so much."

Understanding Rachel Part 8

Rachel turned on her computer, and prayed the machine worked.

Her problems had started a couple of weeks ago. She had been fighting anxiety about her upcoming “debut” to her daughter, so finally she decided to write out the worse case scenario and publish it online. To make it a little fun, she turned her best friend Tanya into the white knight who would come to her rescue, but left the story on a cliffhanger, with Tanya coming up with a plan, but not saying what it was.

Then the computer totally crashed.

For days, she was forced to schlep the machine to a repair shop, and it drained her of all energy to do anything else.

Finally, the machine turned on, she went online, and uploaded the patch that would fix her email account.

And that’s when she saw the message from Tanya.

“Without you, the walls of Martin are closing in. I dont know how long I can hold out.”

“Oh God....” Rachel said

She went to her phone, and realized it was flashing, saying there was a message on it. When she checked the messages, she found out that Tanya had called at least twice looking for her, and she’d missed the call.

The calls had been frantic, apparently Tanya thought the story Rachel had made had happened, and was freaking out trying to get a hold of her.

Rachel phoned Tanya, worrying.

“As bad as things are for me, they’re worse for Tanya,” She thought as the phone rang.

“I hope I can still help. I hope my little moment of drama hasnt hurt her.”

The phone rang and rang....

Martin was pissed off. Ontop of everything else that had happened lately. Rachel missing probably due to his insanity and interference, being soaked to the bone the other day and getting a nasty cold, the part he got didn't fit. After all that time in the dirty smelly scrapyard getting one it was the wrong one. Heck it took him part of the day to even find the one on his own "new" truck.

Last few days there has been some nutjob phoneing him "unknown name unknown number" who leaves silence for messages. This didn't help him at all. His world is falling apart and now this...

The website he had found, finnaly after searching endlessly that actually had some people that were real trans and not pretenders was going to be lost.

It was just too much. Without Rachel to balance him and help there simply was no room for Tanya anymore just this fake shell that was Martin. His Dad was right he should just give up and live as he was born.

Martin sat on the floor of his living room away from the computer staring at the two bottles infront of him. If he mixed them the pain would be small but after that there would never be any pain again and the world would be rid of him.

He knew it was suicide but that small part of him that was Tanya just couldn't do it. Instead with his knees pulled up to his chest he cried as he remembered the few conversations he had enjoyed with Rachel in the past.

" Your such a girl!" Rachel had said but in the background you could clearly hear little Sally "Of course she's a girl! Like duh Dad she's a girl and your a boy. She was born a girl, she will die a girl that's just the way it is!"

A young child's simple point of view. To Sally there was no question that Tanya was a girl period. She was so wrong and Tanya had tried to patiently explain this over the phone. It never worked. Sally was firmly dead certain that Tanya was a girl... Mind you from her point of view a girl trying, and failing, to be a boy.

But it didn't matter anymore there was no more Tanya. Tommorow Martin would go into work and explain to everyone he was a guy and that pretending to be a girl was just a temporary insanity or something. Next to the bottles was a new unopened package of mens briefs. Martin knew he should be wearing the useless things and not panties but just even handling the package made him sick.

Did anything really matter anymore? My one and only place I called home online is about to be stolen from me by the admin that I somehow pissed off, again. With a smirk Martin thinks about how his and the site admin personality is so similar. It was like putting two alpha female cats in the same room. Fights occurred and alot of fur went missing.

No matter how hard he tried over the years NOBODY ever understood him. Didn't matter if he spoke or wrote it was like people saw things in what he wrote that were not there. What was there was also misinterpreted.

Always the same "well you have to learn tact' was his sisters comments" your a little too blunt" was his Dad's, "You speak in terms of definites. This WILL happen not MAY happen" that one made no sense since it will happen its all right there can people really not see it?

"Well you implied..." What the heck does that have to do with anything? Your not supposed to read whats implied! You learn that in school for crying out loud. "Just read what is written not what is implied." Mr. White said in english 100.

With a chuckle he remembered the example from all those years ago. "Go home and tell your family that Mr. White came to school sober today." It was a perfectly true statement. However it implied the opposite that he came to school drunk or impaired most of the time. News papers and other media make full use of implications. The only way to find out the truth was to read or listen without the implications. Which was easy for Martin to do.

However it seems that most of the people, for some reason or another, failed english in school and read or listened to implications anyways. This left Martin in trouble alot of the time because he could not see that anymore.

Ring Ring

"Gods just leave me alone please!"cried Martin as he sat on his living room floor in curled up in a ball with tears falling down his face.

In a small whisper that was more of a prayer "Please Rachel I need you so much call me please."

The night air was humid but still much cooler than it had been during the day. For the team of men this was best. They were all dressed in black from head to toe including their faces which had the coal black matte finish of a professional.

They enclosed on the location of their target with stealth. This was not easy as the target in question lived in a townhouse apartment surrounded by many other townhouse apartments all of which belonged to people who lived in the lower end of income. These people usually were up and about at all times of day or night.

The team leader had been watching this particular area either in person or through the many hidden cameras he had about the area. All was going according to plan so far.

One must remember these are professionals. Kidnapping people out of their homes was a lucrative business. There are many people in different walks of life that routinely made use of their services.

Once all of the team was in position the signal was given and the townhouse and it's two possible entrances were picked and entered silently inside of 40 secs. To a casual observer it would have been some small shadows and nothing more. Possibly a dog or cat they would shrug and move on.

The target in the house was identified and using a mild sedative knocked out. Insertion into a body bag and less than a minute later the house was empty with no sign of entry.

The older lady who had just returned home from work entered the house quietly so as not to wake her troubled son. It was not till the next morning that she realized her son who had just started to be her son again was missing.

Richard open his eyes and looked around. Although his head was fuzzy he could tell he was not in his home. The room was pink for one thing. While he did like the color his mother would not let him indulge that side. He tried to move his hands and noticed two things. One they were bound as were his legs. Second his nails felt different. Looking down he noticed that his nails now sported extensions and nail polish.

This was not the only change as he could move his head around he noticed he was cuffed to a canopy bed. The dress he was wearing was a flower patterned pale blue sleeveless dress. He could feel that he was wearing panties, pantyhose and ballerina slippers. The bra with its very lifelike breasts moved on his chest.

All in all Rachel knew she had been made into the girl she knew she could not be. No must not think that way I am male. My name is Richard and I am my fathers daughter!

The door to the room opened catching Rachel's attention and she stared at the door. A woman entered with a tray that also contained a medical bag on a tray with other food and drink. They woman put down the tray on the girly bed stand. She next picked up the medical bag and lifted it to the metal hanger containing another bag. It was at this point Rachel knew this lady was drugging her.

"Oh your awake Rachel! Don't worry sweetie I wont let those people hurt you anymore. You are a woman not a man so just sit back and relax I'll take good care of you." Wait a minute that face that voice..

"Tanya? What are you doing? You can't do this to me I have to be a father to my daughter. You have to let me go please." Rachel was worried. Really worried Tanya didn't sound all that there.

"Sssh Sssh. Rachel the nightmare is over. I will take good care of you and in a month's time you will look like the woman you are. Then you can be the mother you were born to be to Sally." Tanya was smiling but her eyes were doing anything but smiling. Rachel was really really worried. As much as she wanted to stay awake her eyes got heavy. Soon she was asleep again and Tanya replaced the headphones that had fallen off while she slept.

Tanya giggled to herself this blog post was getting better and better. The inspiration for the story from a James Bond movie was working well. Needed a bit of editing though.

Tanya continued to type and work on her little story. It was all she could to to keep her mind off of the shredded male clothing now on the floor of her house. The day had been filled with her trying to be Martin. Within minutes of donning male pants or shirt she would fall to the floor and her hands would be actively searching for seams and trying to rip off the hated clothes.

Although she was exhausted from such activities, usually being that her heart was pounding like crazy a sure sign of a panic attack, she needed something to distract her from the pain she had caused herself. She knew deep down that she had little choice but to wear skirts and dresses for a time again. Not even her woman's pants had survived whole, though they were repairable.

Unnoticed in the living room of her house covered by a ripped rag that was once a pair of jeans the phone light blinked telling her she had a new message.