Chapter two

I went back upstairs and had a go at my hair again. Nothing going, it simply refused to look feminine and I learnt the hard way what 'bad hair day' meant. I was close to tears when I gave up and nearly cried out for Mum to help me out but my pride objected so I turned to comfort food and a few good movies and spent my first full day as a girl in my bed eating cookies with copious amounts of milk while watching the DVD’s I'd collected and alternately wishing I hadn't been born XY or at least had a little sister.

Basically I was utterly miserable. Not exactly what I'd had in mind.

That evening I decided that the problem was the atmosphere at home. It wasn't exactly beneficial to my cause so I begged Pete to let me spend the day in his apartment and he agreed. I was wearing a pink top and denim skirt with my feet in low heels and clutching a goody bag with all my toiletries and my laptop when he and Myra turned up in the morning.

“Please don't laugh I know I look pathetic but if you laugh I'll burst out crying,” I moaned as Pete shook in his seat with barely repressed laughter and tried not to grin too much.

“Stop it Pete! Your voice sounds lovely Charlene and for a start you look okay. You just need extensions and a bit of make-up,” said Myra kindly.

She'd called me Charlene and was being so sweet. My eyes filled with tears.

“Thanks, could you help me out?” I replied.

“I'd love to,” said Myra and she came over to the back and we rifled through my bag.

She made a list of stuff to get for me and then set about examining my hair to see what shade of extensions would go with my hair. Pete had looked at us amazed at our girly chatter and the sound of my voice which he hadn't heard as I hadn't used it till that morning. He drove us to his place while the pair of us conferred in the back seat.

“Pete I thought Charlene was your buddy. How could you do that?” said Myra angrily once they'd left me at their flat.

“Do what?” said Pete confused.

“Laugh you twit. She was really close to tears you know,” retorted Myra, “Put yourself in her shoes for a second. Imagine how hard things are for her without her best friend laughing at her,” she added.

“Looked funny, sorry,” mumbled Pete.

I spent that day pretending I was at work and meeting clients. I wasn’t confident enough to venture outside so I stayed in the whole day waiting for Myra and Pete to come back from work and trying to look at the bright side of things and doing a better job of it than the previous day. When my friends came I felt much better and had put my culinary skills to good use by making a sumptuous dinner which earned me a big smile from Myra

“How come you're such a good cook and Pete is hopeless?” laughed Myra.

I just shrugged remembering that it was thanks to me having been Mum's kitchen helper and messing about in there with Ellen.

“You did a great job kid. If you ever feel like leaving your job I’ll hire you,” Pete teased.

After dinner Myra and I went to work with the make-up she'd bought for me- step by step she showed me how to apply make-up from cleansing my face to the foundation to the eye shadow and variations depending on the setting and time of day. It was fascinating and when we were through I was very pleased with the final effect. Myra told me to practise at home.

“Thank you so much!” I said gratefully.

“Don't mention it okay,” she told me. “Now,” she said eyeing my face critically, “about your hair. Hmm, how about we go to this place I know on Saturday?” replied Myra.

“Whatever you say,” I agreed happily, thankful for her going out of her way to assist me.

I spent the next few days at their flat going back home in the evenings. I was very grateful for the use of their home since it gave me the chance to practise with nobody giving me funny looks if I messed up. I worked on my make-up skills, moved around in heels and generally built up enough self-belief to begin to think that barring my hair I might not be a complete disaster after all when I returned to work. Besides I’d always looked more like a girl than a boy, I just needed a bit of help to look like a woman my age.

***

Saturday dawned bright and hopeful although I was terrified about going out into the world as a girl. I spent ages trying to get myself ready for my first outing; all my self-belief seemed to have ebbed away overnight. It didn't help matters when I met Jo downstairs with Rhys my two year old nephew and Mum looking at me like I was insane. I ignored the looks and greeted them cordially because there's no point in showing self-doubt before one's detractors. Instead I ate a tiny breakfast and waited for Myra to rescue me.

Once in the car I let my anxieties assail me. I wondered if they’d serve in the salon or hound me out the minute I showed up.

“No. The owner is a pink guy and they serve all sorts happily,” said Myra with certainty, “It’ll be okay Charlene. You do want to look good right?” she added.

I nodded.

“Great. I promise you won’t recognise yourself,” she said with a smile.

When we got there Pete stayed in the car playing with his phone while Myra whisked me off to my salvation. Inside the people at the counter treated us warmly and directed us to a guy they said was called Ivan.

“Hi ladies,” he greeted when as we reached him.

I wondered who the other lady was, then smiled when I realised he meant me before I frowned thinking he was having me on seeing as I wasn’t anywhere near looking like a lady let alone a girl.

“Hi,” we chorused.

“I’ve got a problem with my hair. It’s too short and I can’t wait for it to grow,” I explained.

“No problem. Take a seat and let’s get started,” he replied cheerfully.

Satisfied I was in safe hands Myra left to do her own hair while Ivan got to work on my extensions. He was really chatty telling me I had a lovely face and how pleased I was going to be when he finished. His manner was so reassuring I found myself readily telling all about myself and how I was supposed to go back to work that Monday and my fears that I’d look ghastly.

He understood and was sympathetic.

“Only the first few weeks are tough but if you get the right look at the beginning it’s easier. And you’re lucky, you have a lovely oval face and a pert nose so you don’t look like a guy,” he replied before giving me loads of handy advice about the look I should aim for and how to get it.

Steadily my hair lengthened as he deftly added the extensions to my existing mop. Before I knew it he was done and I was the proud owner of a blond mane that swept past my shoulders. It looked so nice!

But that was only the beginning; he started styling my hair after that. I was just thrilled and just managed not to fidget as he magicked my hair into something incredible.

“Voila!” he exclaimed, twirling my chair my chair in front of the mirror.

I gasped when I saw Charlene looking at me. She was awesome.

I was mesmerised, I had gorgeous blonde hair in a wavy style.

“Thank you,” I gushed, “it’s wonderful!” I exclaimed.

I searched the handbag I’d borrowed from Myra and gave him a twenty which he turned down under the pretext that he’d had fun working with me and only hoped I’d do well on Monday and that I’d become a regular.

I thanked him profusely and promised to come back.

He gave me instructions on how to maintain my hair and the stuff to use on it before steering me towards the nail parlour where I had a manicure and pedicure followed by a facial. I loved it and Myra was especially pleased,

“I told you you’d look great,” she purred.

I felt like a totally new woman when we left.

Pete was at a loss for words when we climbed into the car and Myra presented me as Charlene Cross.

“Wow, you are a girl,” he finally said.

I beamed at him.

We went shopping for work clothes, accessories and shoes after that. I discovered that ladies clothes are cheaper than men’s clothes but as you need more of them they became more expensive in the final reckoning. We bought nine different outfits to start with but Myra made sure they were all interchangeable so I would be able to mix and match them for variety. Getting me a handbag was a cinch as we were now on a roll and having a ridiculously good time buying things.

Finding me nice ladies shoes for my size seven and a half feet was easy and I was thankful for small mercies like not having size 11 or 12 feet.

Pete who was tagging along with us said as much while adding that he’d never known I harboured a passion for shopping as we hauled the bags to the car.

“That’s coz I hated buying guys clothes and it would make me depressed but now..,” I explained.

We had a cosy lunch with Pete picking up the tab saying he was worried about my financial future seeing as my shopaholic instincts had surfaced!

Unfazed Myra and I went on another round where we got earrings, hair clips and then casual clothes. We wound up our shopping spree because Pete was getting jittery about missing his football teams’ game and we drove home at top speed and I thanked Myra profusely but she told me it was nothing and she’d do it again any day.

But it was something. Myra will always have my gratitude for how she helped me take my first few steps as a woman and making the difference between me looking like a guy in drag and a decent looking girl. I will always be in debt to her and won’t ever forget her help.

I was all smiles when I floated into the living room and was greeted by Jo and Mum’s looks of stunned disbelief.

“Hello Mum, Jo,” I chirped loving how surprised they were with my appearance.

Rhys, my two year old nephew didn’t recognise me. I opened the shopping bags and handed him a teddy bear and a toy car which I’d bought for that exact moment. I’ll admit it was a bribe but I didn’t care.

He said, “Thank you,” but it came out as, “Tankyou,” as he smiled. It had worked.

I turned to Mum who wasn’t easily bought.

“Remember I told you. I’m getting my name changed next week. If you and Dad want to give me a second name I won’t mind,” I told her.

“What are you going to be called?” asked Jo curiously.

“Charlene,” I replied.

Jo gazed at my hair then the rest of me all the way to my now lovely feet. She looked impressed against her will but didn’t dare say so in front of Mum.

“So you’re going ahead with this?” said Mum.

It wasn’t really a question more an expression of frustration.

“Yes I am,” I said happily.

“What about your job? What will they say?” said Mum, trying and failing to reason with me.

“Nothing, I told Mr Smith on Monday and he said the agency had no problem with me being a woman so he gave me one week leave to fix everything,” I told her before picking up my things and going upstairs.

I went back downstairs to make myself a cup of tea and Jo found me there. Mum had taken Rhys and gone next door to chat with her old friend Mrs Dalny no doubt about me.

“Umm,” she began hesitantly, “where did you get your makeover?” she asked, curiosity overwhelming embarrassment.

I told her the place.

“How much did it cost?” she went on.

I couldn’t remember but said I thought it’d been worth it.

“Yes you look awfully nice,” she said warmly.

“Thanks,” I said with a big smile.

“I owe you an apology for not taking you seriously and thinking you’re crazy when you’re not. You wouldn’t be going through all this unless you really wanted it so I’m sorry,” she offered.

“That’s fine Jo,” was all I could say.

I was too happy to think up anything else.

“Charlene, Charlene,” she repeated, rolling around my name on her tongue, “it suits you,” she offered.

“I picked it when I was six and it’s sort of what I always thought I should have been called,” I replied.

“Six? So you thought you were a girl by then?” asked Jo amazed.

“Yes I knew it even before that when I started pre-school. I noticed that I preferred playing with the girls and playing house but not the games boys liked and I figured that I couldn’t be a boy and that I was supposed to be a girl. I told Mum and she said not to be silly but I still didn’t want to be a boy and being a child I thought some fairy godmother would help me out sort of like Cinderella. When I went to school all my friends were girls and my best friend was a girl called Ellen and she believed I wasn’t a boy either and we’d spend ages playing with her dolls or dressing up in her clothes or her sister’s. It didn’t change as I grew older instead it only became worse. You won’t believe how awful it feels to go through puberty as a boy when you think you you’re a girl and discover that you like guys but they’ll never like you and not know what to do about it. I think I’d have killed myself if it hadn’t been for Ellen being there for me. When she moved away I felt lonelier than ever and I honestly wished I was dead. I made friends with Pete and took my frustrations out on my books while trying to be a boy and forcing myself to forget how I felt. It worked for a while but deep down I knew I was lying to myself and I only wanted to be a girl more than ever.

The rest you know- I started drinking to ease the pain I felt and if I wasn’t drinking I was drowning myself in my work. My drinking spiralled out of control and Mum and Dad told me to get help. The psychologist told me I could either go on denying who I was and eventually kill myself or I could accept that I had a female brain and stop living a lie and I accepted it.

I don’t want to die or to go back to how I was 2 months ago and being a girl feels normal, it’s like I’ve left jail especially today,” I finished on a happy note.

“Oh my goodness, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry Charlene. I had no idea,” Jo apologized looking horrified at my life story.

I was touched, “Look it’s okay Jo,” I replied kindly, “my life’s back on track now so don’t worry about the past,” Jo nodded and offered to help me.

“If you need anything or you want to talk just say so,” I told her.

I would and asked her about hair products. Soon we were chatting away like old friends and I had the sister I’d longed for, my first ally at home.

Dad’s reaction to my new look didn’t show. He didn’t gasp, show surprise or say a word. He just took one look at me and went back to his paper but then again Dad had always been a man of few words and he probably guessed it wouldn’t make a difference if he criticised me. Good old Dad!

He preferred his peace and quiet to noisy arguments. Wills takes after Mum I suppose because when he came in the following day and saw me in a skirt with long hair totally changed from the last time he’d seen me he was aghast, “Charlie! What on earth’s gotten into you?” he demanded.

“It’s Charlene not Charlie and I told you I’m transgendered meaning I don’t want to be a guy,” I replied patiently.

“You mean to tell me you actually believe that bull your shrink gave you as the cause of your drinking?” he retorted.

“It’s not bull it’s the truth,” I answered calmly.

“Gosh, you need serious help! You, a woman? Lord help us,” he said which hurt but I didn’t let it show.

“Whatever. It’s my life so you can think whatever you want,” I replied indifferently before turning my attention back to my coffee and laptop.

Wills glared at me before shaking his head and leaving me to my devices. I was rather hurt by his attempt to ridicule me but I vowed not to let it get to me especially as I might get similar treatment at work.

To be continued.

Chapter three

I woke up pretty early on Monday morning bathed then spent close to an hour applying makeup and making sure my hair was up to scratch before carefully getting dressed in my new white blouse and grey ladies suit, checking my appearance in the mirror every few seconds until I was fully dressed.

When I’d stopped agonizing over my appearance and was satisfied I looked fine I took my laptop and placed it inside its case and packed my handbag remembering to put my compact and hair brush first.

I breathed deeply then went downstairs to find Mum already making my breakfast after she’d heard me puttering around as I got ready. Whatever Mum thought of my transition she wasn’t about to let me go off to work looking silly or even on an empty stomach which is why she’d gotten up early to check that I looked okay and to feed me.

Whatever I was I knew I was still her baby and would be cared for as long as she was there. I had my breakfast while Mum scanned me from head to toe checking if I’d overlooked anything. Then she came over and touched my blouse collar which I’d already checked and knew to be okay but I thanked her knowing she was just doing what came naturally to her looking out for me.

“Your father and I haven’t decided on your name yet. We’d like a few more days dear,” she said.

I wondered if they were stalling but since they seemed to be thinking about it I decided to a few more days wouldn’t hurt.

“That’s fine but I’d like to see the solicitors before Friday,” I replied.

“Don’t you think you’re doing all this a little too fast? What if you change your mind later on but you’ve gone too far?” asked Mum not wanting to waste a chance to bring me to my senses with a good argument.

“Trust me I’ve put a lot thought into this, it’s not something I took a fancy to overnight. I’ve known I wasn’t a man for ages and it’s been tearing me apart. This is my chance to make peace with myself and I won’t let it slip past neither will I change my mind,” I remarked.

Mum sighed then asked if I needed a ride to work. I said no I’d take the Tube before I stood up and kissed her goodbye.

“Good luck,” she said which warmed my nervous soul.

I left the house with a spring in my step knowing Mum cared made life so much more bearable.

My journey to the station took a lot longer than usual thanks to my shoes which I hadn’t gotten used to but as I’d woken up early I had lots of time to spare. I hoped my gait didn’t look awkward then remembered one of Pete’s ex-girlfriends had told me I walked like a woman and that eased my anxieties a bit and I was much more relaxed when I reached the station. The place was already full of early morning commuters, which was surprising seeing as the streets had been deserted.

However, no one gave me a second glance to my relief and five minutes later I’d boarded a train bound for the City. My heart rate rose in tandem with every stop the train made as I realized I was getting closer to my workplace. Finally the train rattled to my stop and somehow I found the nerve to get out, get on the escalator and walk out of the station.

I deliberately walked the two blocks to the advertising agency I was employed at very slowly with my heart pounding away at an ever increasing rate.

What were people going to say? I asked myself.

What have I gotten myself into? I thought morbidly and I briefly thought of going back home but then wondered what Mum would say.

“I told you so,” her voice echoed in my head and that was more unbearable than whatever lay in store for me at work.

On reaching my destination I stood outside the building for a full minute taking a few deep breaths to calm myself before taking the plunge into the unknown.

Once inside the first thing to do was to get past the security guy who sat by the reception and kept the visitors log book. I walked past and he touched his cap to me. I smiled and went to the lifts where to my dismay there was already a crowd waiting. None of them took note of me as they were all intent on getting into the next lift. I stood up back a fraction until the crowd thinned by which time I was ready to get into the next available lift. I recognized a few faces from the other firms once we were inside and they recognized me too and used the mirrors to stare.

I looked at the door wishing the elevator would go straight to the 12th floor so I could stop being goggled at like a zoo creature. Finally after what seemed like an eternity we finally reached my floor and I made my way out, thankful for my release, though I could feel the eyes of my fellow passengers boring into me as the lift closed.

I wondered what was being said about me as I walked past the doors of my workplace and to the reception where Beth the receptionist was seated.

“Hi,” I began feeling my workmates merited greetings at the very least as I’d spend 8 or more hours in their company unlike the people in the other firms who I needn’t really worry about.

“Hi,” replied Beth, “had a nice break?” she said in a friendly tone and acting like me being a woman was of no concern although I thought she was having a hard time hiding her surprise at everything.

“Oh it was okay,” I replied.

“Mr Smith asked that you go straight into his office when you come in,” she informed me.

Thankfully the rest of the office was yet to arrive and I was spared the necessity of talking to people and ignoring their stares. I went to my cubicle and unpacked my briefcase before going to see the boss. His secretary wasn’t in as well so I went directly into his office and was admitted after one knock.

“Morning sir,” I said upon entering.

He smiled and said, “Good morning. How are you?” while motioning for me to sit down.

“I’m fine thank you,” I answered feeling less nervous.

“Excellent. Well Charlene I’m glad you’re back. I trust by your appearance your transition has gone smoothly?” he asked.

I nodded, “Yes sir it’s going well so far,” I told him.

“Good, good. I’ve kept my end of the bargain too. Everyone’s been informed of the changes in your life and they’ve been briefed on your name and to refer to you properly. I don’t expect any problems and I hope things will go smoothly. You’ve also got a personal bathroom, here’s the key. It’s the spare one just down the passage from the reception,” he advised.

“Thank you sir for all the trouble you’ve taken,” I replied picking up the key.

“Don’t mention. Just glad I could help,” said Mr Smith warmly.

He was a great boss just as I’d always thought. We moved on to my work, he gave me two new accounts to see to and told me I’d be working with Ridwan and Cathy and that Richard (who incidentally was the office’s new drinking champion after my abdication and a likeable fella) and John would be needing my help with the accounts I’d given up on my leave as they’d taken them over in my absence.

We didn’t want to unsettle the existing clients with my transition which is why I’d be getting brand new accounts to handle which was fine by me although my professional pride was a bit nettled that I’d had to give up a brilliant campaign for which I might not get the credit. We discussed a few technical things before I took my leave and headed back to my office deep in thought about my assignment and forgetting all my worries about how the others would treat me as well forgetting the sensation of wearing different clothes.

I got down to work and did some intense brainstorming to the extent of becoming extremely oblivious to my surroundings so much so that I didn’t notice the office filling up and the noise level rising until Richard popped his head in and said,

“Eh, hi. Alright if disturb you?” before walking in without waiting for a reply.

“Hi Richie how can I help you?” I replied as he appraised my appearance.

“So this is the new you, new voice and name huh?” he asked lightly.

I nodded, “Yes new and improved,” I joked making him chuckle.

‘New and improved’ was the phrase some of our customers adored but it was an oxymoron seeing as something improved couldn’t really be new. Still the cliché persisted and was a sort of standing joke between us.

“I don’t mind telling you I was shocked when Smithy told us about you. I wondered if you’d lost it,” admitted Richard, “but then again I know you to be a careful, thoughtful person so you’d obviously worried yourself sick till you made up your mind about it. So good luck, I hope everything works out for you,” he offered.

“Thanks,” I said meekly, somewhat taken aback by his respect for my choice.

Gosh, I wished everyone would take a cue from him and realise I wasn’t a child making half- baked decisions without weighing the pros and cons. I’d done that and I knew I was my own worst critic but I’d still come to the conclusion that being a woman was the way to go and it bothered me that people couldn’t respect my informed choice as an adult to run my life as I wanted.

After Richie’s show of confidence we talked about the accounts he’d taken over I gave him advice on how to run them and everything before we were satisfied that there’d be no problem and he left and I returned to my work but I couldn’t concentrate and longed for a cup of the wonderful coffee our firm supplied us with.

That meant taking a stroll to the communal coffee machine and subjecting me to that fickle mistress known as public opinion and the stares that went with it, a rather unpleasant prospect for which there was no solution except to go through with it.

Anyway postponing it would only pique their curiosity. I sighed, picked up my mug and did what had to be done. The instant I appeared in the open plan office the chatter lessened as everyone paused what they were doing to take a good, hard look at me.

Acting supremely unaffected I made my way to the coffee stand where I found Raisa and Sheryl gawking but they smiled quickly and gave me over friendly greetings and I wasn’t sure if they were being friendly or as I suspected they were covering the fact that they’d just been talking about me minutes before being the gossips they were and me being the topic of the day or was I getting paranoid?

Perhaps I should have twirled, smiled and said, “You like?”

I couldn’t tell but I couldn’t do anything about it except sticking it out and staying positive or that’s what I tried to say to myself as I walked back to my cubicle and heard the office start returning to life and the buzzing started. I knew I’d be getting discussed even as I sat down as my appearance had guaranteed it. I shrugged it off and tried my best to do my work.

Later I had to call Ridwan and Cathy so we could begin our assignment. Ridwan couldn’t hide the look of utter disgust that showed on his face when we made eye contact. I was appalled and wondered how on earth I was supposed to work with him when he seemed to loathe me for being transgendered.

I hid my disenchantment behind a professional countenance and Cathy looked the same and I thought, ‘At least I’ll get something done with her. A neutral person is fine with me.’

Nobody addressed each other by name; we just did our job ignoring our private thoughts about each other while working out proposals for the client’s campaign. When they’d gone I found myself typing into my journal on my laptop-

“Being a woman is going to make my office life unpleasant but who cares, I am what I am and I love it and if I’m happy with myself which I am what everybody thinks shouldn’t count. I don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy nor am I going to ask for it. If they don’t like me then tough luck for them, they have no idea what their missing.”

The rest of the day was neither good nor bad but somewhere in between. Every time I went into the outer office (three or four times) I was greeted by the same looks as before. Nobody talked to me unless it concerned work and that was fine by me as it meant no one was going to ask me about my sanity or criticise me (I’m being silly here. No one would say anything because they’d been told not to question or hound me). Besides I hadn’t expected to be given hugs and kisses on arrival or to be harassed either. All I wanted was to get on with my job. Of course I expected a lot more from my family even though I didn’t their approval but their love which is the one thing I did worry about.

I’d never wanted that at work. Anyway I stayed on late as per habit and for the sake of avoiding all those people staring at me at knock off time. It was only when Richie popped in and asked me for a drink that I left my work.

“Hey Charlene, still in, fancy a drink?” he asked.

The most decent guy in the office I thought as I replied, “I’m about to go but I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I quit a while back,” I said.

“Oh how about dinner then I know this great place where I can go without a reservation,” he offered.

“Sounds fine I’ll just clear up,” I replied warmly.

Richie was treating me just like he’d always did but was using my proper name and I was really grateful for that. Maybe there was hope for this firm yet.

To be continued.

Chapter Four

“Edith he is really serious about becoming a girl and if there’s anything I know about Charlie it’s that if he really wants something and had set his heart on it he’ll get it and he is really determined and won’t heed a thing we say,” Mum declared to her pal, Edith Dalny early that evening.

“But why Maggie, he’s got everything he could wish for, a nice job he likes and good looks. I just don’t get it,” replied Mrs Dalny, shaking her head.

“I don’t understand him either. He told us he hated being a man, that’s why he drank so much and that he couldn’t go on living a lie. I suspect he might have a point. He once told me he was a girl when he was a wee child and he always preferred playing with girls, you remember that friend of his that sweet girl, Ellen, they were inseparable until she moved away. He always avoided playing boys games and I thought it was a phase but now I’m so confused,” answered Mum unhappily.

“Now he speaks like a girl all the time, got his hair done, wears makeup and women’s clothes and went to work dressed as a woman and calls himself Charlene,” went on Mum, “I just don’t know what to do with him at all,” she finished in a tired voice.

“So how was your first day?” Richie asked, after we’d left the office and were making our way to the restaurant.

“Sierra Square, Double Delta,” I told him with a smile., being a Tom Clancy addict like me he knew what it meant.

“S2D2. Same shit, dreadful day,” he said. “That bad, don’t worry it’ll get better,” he consoled.

We had a nice dinner, talking shop all the while and I was glad for a pleasant end to a not so pleasant day.

Later that week I decided that Ridwan was a bastard and slimy lowlife, no doubt he had similar opinions about me and while not expressing them verbally his body language told me as much.

Why did I come to such a conclusion you might ask? Well it’s because we clashing with each other on our joint assignment and I felt he was trying to undermine everything I was trying to do and to frustrate me at every turn for no reason except that I was transgendered. I longed to be finished with the account so I’d be rid of him.

Meanwhile I’d also begun classifying my colleagues into three groups depending on how I thought they were acting and taking my transition. The first group I labelled ‘Friends’, it had only one member, Richie who was the only person I could really talk to unguardedly. Next up were the ‘Neutrals’ which consisted of mainly the ladies in the office and a few guys who had no qualms with me being a woman of if they did it didn’t show. I could count on them to act as the pro’s they were and I could say a word or to two to them. the last group I dubbed, ‘Enemies’ and it definitely included Ridwan and a few other guys who seemed to take my transition as a personal insult to them and I dealt with them in two ways. Avoidance where possible and by being at my very best and highly professional if I had to interact with them.

Of course I tried to keep my interaction to a bare minimum. In the meantime I’d visited a solicitor to get my name changed and sort out the legal side of my transition.

Mum and Dad had chosen a second name for me despite their feelings about what I was doing.

“Dad and I found a name for you. We thought May would do as that’s what we’d wanted to call you if you’d been born a girl,” my mother told me.

I was pleasantly surprised at their co-operation and at the news that I’d have been known as May had I been born ‘ok’.

“May,” I murmur to myself, “it sounds nice,” I concluded.

It took Pete to show me the humorous side of my full moniker. When I told him name he said,

“Okay, you may cross,” he teased.

“Cross what?” said Myra puzzled.

“Oh don’t be silly,” I told him.

“Charlene May Cross but don’t cross her if you know what’s good for you,” continued Pete happily making us all chuckle at his silliness.

That Friday I went to the solicitors and had my name changed by deed poll from Charles Cross to Charlene May Cross and to celebrate I had dinner with Pete and Myra. I was really happy I’d taken this massive step of doing away with a name I’d never liked or accepted in favour of my true title, the one I’d always longed to be called by- Charlene.

My dream was unfolding slowly and nothing from Ridwan, Wills, Mum and Dad or any other obstacles was going to stop me from living it.

I had to live for at least one month as a woman before I could qualify for hormones and it felt like an eternity to me. Adjusting to living as a woman was tough at first especially with a curve less body. Somehow I got through that month and I learnt invaluable lessons along the way not least of all, that image is everything.

This meant I began spending a lot more time on my appearance than before because women are judged more on how they look than anything else. I’d spend my spare time experimenting with makeup, which is almost routine for adolescent girls but wasn’t for me as I hadn’t done it in nearly eight years and it was like starting from scratch even with tips from Myra.

Still it was fun and it didn’t take long for me to get the hang of it. I noticed that when I made up my face my confidence rose exponentially and I could face anything, it was like having my own suit of armour. I also found that I was starting to spend a lot more time checking out clothes and thinking if they’d go well with this or match with that as well as analysing other girl’s outfits and critiquing them based on my own taste.

Like a good friend Pete accompanied me to the hospital for my appointment with the endocrinologist. I was so excited and I think I wouldn't have been able to make it there on my own. Besides Pete had a car and I didn’t savour the journey by tube so he took me.

There were other transgendered people when we got there and I think Pete was slightly disconcerted by their presence though he said nothing. Later he told me it was because all the girls there didn’t look like guys, which wasn’t how he expected transsexuals to look.

“Is that how you think of me? Do I look l like a guy?” I asked him, taken aback by his views.

“No you don’t. You’re rather good looking. You always looked like a woman anyway so it’s normal for you,” he replied in a rather matter-of —fact tone.

“Oh, then what do you mean?” I enquired.

“I meant you could pick up any of these girls in a bar, they don’t look like they were ever guys,” explained Pete.

I sighed, “That’s the whole point. No woman wants to look like a man at all so they’ll do anything to look good, besides it’s a confidence booster to look pretty okay. They aren’t guys and they don’t want to be taken for guys so they’re not supposed to look like they were guys,” I told him.

“Amazing isn’t it,” he said with a smile.

When I got my pills I immediately popped one and Pete looked at me expectantly. It was like he expected me to grow boobs instantly.

“Well,” he said, watching me.

“Well what,” I retorted.

“Feel any different,” he replied.

“I’m excited but that’s coz I finally got them. It’s got a sweet taste, I think that’s because I really want it but there’s no magic yet,” I said, “ask me in a week. The doctor said I’ll be able to see something then,” I added.

“What’s gonna happen then?” he queried interestedly.

“Well my skin will begin to get a lot softer and then in time I’ll get real breasts, hips. Basically I’ll turn into a woman and I can’t wait!” I said excitedly.

“Now I’m sure you were never a guy,” said Pete sardonically.

“Why?” I replied.

“Just the way you’re acting. If you were a man getting boobs would scare you,” he said with a smile.

I smiled back.

Two months passed and I realized I was happy. I spent nearly every evening at home with Mum and Dad watching the telly, reading or surfing the net. I discovered transgender fiction and it didn’t take long before I was hooked on Bigcloset and Sapphire’s Place and the myriad of tales they contained.

I had developed a nice bust though it was small I loved showing it off when I was at home much to Wills chagrin. My body was changing rapidly thanks to the hormones, my bum got bigger as did my thighs and hips. I lost my abs and got toned tummy in their stead while my waist became smaller. My skin was softer than before and I lost that hardness guys have as the adipose tissue under my skin was increased by the action of the oestrogen. My hair seemed to grow faster while bodily hair growth which wasn’t much in the first place seemed to slow down to nothing.

Getting boobs was the best part, it was so exciting to have them and they couldn’t grow fast enough for me. When I was in bed I’d find myself gently touching the soft round mounds feeling their gentle curve and getting this feeling of contentment that I was a girl at last.

My face changed slightly as more fat was deposited on my cheeks, softening my cheekbones and my jaw.

Jo was the first to tell me how beautiful I looked.

“You are lovely Charlene and your complexion is to die for,” she gushed one Saturday when I caught her eyeing me weirdly and I’d asked what the matter was.’

I felt my pride soar because I hadn't used any makeup that morning. My mother said nothing, not wanting to encourage me but I knew Dad and her where happy at least with the fact I was retaking control of my life. I hadn’t touched alcohol in six months, had just enrolled for another qualification and it was patently clear I wasn’t the same binger I’d been.

They were beginning to believe my drinking might have been caused by my desire to be a woman after all though this didn’t mean they accepted the new me.

Pete was fascinated by the changes in my appearance.

“You know I can hardly believe you’re the one formerly known as Charlie,” he said one evening, you don’t drink, wear lipstick and high heels and have morphed into a woman.”

I pulled my tongue at him though I loved hearing how much I’d changed.

“Thanks man that’s a big compliment,” I said happily.

“How are the hormones going?” he asked.

“Great! I’m calmer now, I don’t get stupid hard-ons anymore and I feel normal. I’ve got breasts and it feels wonderful. My skins so sensitive now,” I said leaving out the bit about the wobbly bits on my thighs and bum that was a bit personal.

To be continued.

Chapter Five

Wills persisted in his denial of my true identity. He took every opportunity to remind me and everyone that in his eyes I was not a woman. On one occasion Rhys forgot his teddy at our place and I had to take it Will and Jo’s. Wills answered the door and let me in.

“Who is it darling?” enquired Jo from the living room where they were entertaining some guests.

“It’s my brother,” replied Wills out loud as we reached the entrance to that room.

Everyone looked up to see and as you guess they were disconcerted to see a woman with Wills. Hot with embarrassment mingled with anger I turned on my heel and left swearing not to set foot there again.

There was no adjustment in the climate at work, I still felt like a pariah there except with Richie who treated me as if nothing had changed. The others were all professional in their conduct towards me which was fine by me because it made work tolerable. Part of me did long for the camaraderie everyone else seemed to share but it wasn’t forthcoming nor was I willing to throw myself out on a limb at people so they could like me that just wasn’t my style.

The only place where I was treated like a friend, woman and a normal person was at Pete and Myra’s. They accepted me for whom I was, never gave me queer looks or glared at me. We were frank and totally free in each other’s company and I never felt like I was forcing myself on them. I also attended a transgender support group. This is how I met a girl named Claire with whom I quickly became friends. She was the first person who completely understood my need to be a woman because she was going through the same thing.

I could tell her about everything- my family’s attitude, work and my colleagues, hormones, my childhood- she understood. We had similar middle-class backgrounds. She’d come out at around the same time as I had. Unlike me, her family had completely disowned her.

“They never owned me anyway!” was her cheerful take on this.

She also worked in a far worse environment than me, an auto clinic though you’d never guess she was a mechanic by looking at her. All her colleagues were chauvinistic men, making it doubly hard for, being a transsexual woman. Claire told me she was retraining to become a draughtsperson going to night school 3 times a week. Character wise I can only describe her as charming, kind, sincere and cheerful. At 5ft 6 with a round, pretty face she was clearly going to be pear shaped by the time she got her op. her hair was medium length for work purposes and she was a brunette whereas I was the slender blonde, an inch taller and just as determined to live my life as a woman. We did lots of things together, like going shopping, giving each other moral support and bashing the bad guys like Ridwan when we felt wronged by them!

My relationship with my brother reached breaking point six months after I began my transition when Wills finally let loose and expressed his feelings for the entire family to hear.

Wills invariably called me Charlie just to show how much he disagreed with my decision. He was the only one in the family who did so, to Jo I was Charlene, Mum occasionally called me Charlene but never Charlie, she used my childhood nickname or endearments ditto with Dad.

I hated this and one day I just burst out at Wills when he referred to me as Charlie.

“Charlie get a haircut mate, you look like a hippie,” he mocked me one morning when he saw me with rollers in my hair. Such barbs were common from him and I’d learnt to ignore but that day I decided enough was enough.

“Why don’t you go to hell, this is my life not yours and my name is Charlene,” I told him strongly.

That really got him going.

“S’far as I know you’re Charlie you twit!” he responded.

“Oh, so now I’m a twit because I don’t want to be a man, has it ever crossed your mind that I’m doing this because it means something to me? No of course not, you’re dumb to ever figure that out,” I remarked.

I had always been the cleverer child and telling Wills that had always infuriated him.

“Dumb? You’re insane and you’re a huge embarrassment and a total disgrace to this family with your stupid cross-dressing you filthy drag-queen!”

That hurt and Mum and Jo gasped.

“William,” said Dad warningly, “that’s enough.”

Wills was livid.

“No Dad it’s got to be said. Charlie you are flaming insane you hear! You will never be a woman, go and get help and while you’re at it stay away from my son before you infect him with your damned disease. You’re a disgrace you hear Charlie? An effing disgrace,” Wills yelled as tears formed in my eyes.

“WILLIAM!” said Dad and Jo sternly.

I turned and fled to my room, white hot tears burning my cheeks. I heard the door slam, signalling Wills departure.

Blinded by tears I locked my door and slumped to the floor and allowed myself to cry my heart out, completely miserable. How could Wills say all that awful stuff to me especially the part about Rhys? Being transsexual was something I would never, ever want to wish on anyone let alone the nephew I loved so much.

I cried for what seemed like hours reliving every insult that had been flung at me wondering why my only sibling could be so hateful. He didn’t want me as his sister which meant he didn’t want me at all since I could never be his brother. Mum came and knocked but I ignored her, she and everyone else probably agreed with Wills in private.

To them I was some crazy fool. He’d spoken for them I thought. No one cares about my happiness only the image of the family. If that was the case I wasn’t going to stay where I was unwelcome

Over the next few weeks I withdrew. I stopped talking to my parents except in greeting and purposefully stayed out late after work so I could be alone and arrive home when they’d fallen asleep. I’d leave early before Mum awoke just to avoid her. I stayed away from Jo and Rhys when they were downstairs and went out on weekends sometimes to Pete’s or to play the tourist around London.

I skipped meals at home though Mum always left me some preferring to eat in restaurants. Since I was an embarrassment I couldn’t buy Mum groceries because I was so filthy I might spread my disease. I’d leave cash in an envelope addressed to her so she could the shopping herself. I became a stranger in my own home hiding out in my room and slowly packing my things for a move away from there. I’d already started looking for a place of my own and had sounded out Claire, Pete and Myra on keeping an ear out for decent apartments for me. Wills hardly came over anymore and when he did I completely ignored him just like he ignored me.

Clearly no one regretted his outburst though Mum looked at me worriedly whenever she saw me. I made sure she had no chance of talking to me by never spending more than two minutes in her or Dad’s presence.

I was miserable but hid it behind the façade of a carefully made up face. Pete and Myra saw right through it though and they wanted me to take a weekend in the country to recharge and cheer me up after the incident with my brother.

I spent a glorious weekend with two close friends who understood me or at least tried to though I realised I missed Rhys badly. The Wiltshire country side would have been just the place for my rambunctious nephew and thinking this dampened my spirits. Noticing this Myra took my hand and suggested a short walk for the two of us.

“Let me guess you’re thinking about what your brother said?” she asked me.

I nodded and my eyes smarted.

“Hey it’s okay Charlene,” consoled Myra before embracing me.

“You’re a woman honey. That’s you, don’t let anybody demean you luv,” said Myra as tears streamed down my face.

“They all hate me, they don’t care how I feel, it’s like they don’t want me,” I sobbed.

Myra placed my head on my shoulder and I cried onto it as she comforted me.

To be continued

By Sydney Moya

 ©2012

Chapter Six

“How was your weekend?” asked Mum gently when I got back on Sunday evening.

“Fine,” I said coldly.

It hadn’t been fine, I’d felt very sad that I was happiest away from home.

“Oh,” said Mum with a start seeing I was still in a bad mood. I allowed her to kiss me before I took my things and headed to my room.

“Aren’t you going to greet your father?” asked Mum expectantly.

I didn’t reply. I just went to the living room and said, “Hello Dad,” in an empty voice.

“Hello,” the reply came.

Duty done I continued to my destination.

“A friend of yours called. Her name is Claire, she said you should call her back, it’s about your apartment,” said Mum as I passed the phone in the passage.

“Oh, thanks then,” I replied as if the news was of no consequence though my spirits lifted.

“Charlene you’re not moving out, are you?” said Mum in concern.

“Yes I am,” I replied, “seeing as I’m not wanted here. I might infect you with my madness,” I said vehemently.

Mum looked like I’d whipped her.

“Don’t go, not like this!” she pleaded.

“Why not,” I replied my voice cracking, “I’m a disgrace to all of you. I embarrass you and Dad and Wills. None of you cares about how I feel. You want me to be something I’m not, something that’ll kill me. I’m trying to pick up my broken life and achieve my dream but you’d rather I stayed a drunk, ’’ I accused as I broke down.

“No!” said Mum in an anguished voice.

“YES! I’m a woman but none of you can accept it, you can’t even use the name I want to be called by. I may be many things but I’m not thick, I can tell where I’m not wanted. It’s amazing how much the people I care for the most are the ones who don’t give a damn while at work even my enemies have to get to grips with me being like this,” I finished, crying.

“Charlene I do love you,” said Mum gently before taking me into her arms and comforting me.

I clung to her and cried like a baby.

“How could Wills say all th-that?” I sobbed, “I love him and Rhys so much. D-do y you think I would want Rhys to g-go through w-what I have?” I stuttered.

My mother just held me and hushed me, “My poor baby, let it out honey,” she said softly as she embraced me.

I cried for a long time, letting out all the pent up emotions I had. Dad had risen at the noise and now stood watching for a while. Then unnoticed he took his coat and went out for a walk.

“Okay luv, you and I are going to have a wee chat, all right?” said Mum when I finally calmed down.

She led me to the sitting room, her arm around my waist and mine around hers. She then sat me down on a sofa before sitting down herself. I poured out my heart out to her in a way I’d never done before. I told her about having always felt I’d been born into the wrong body, how from childhood I’d known I ought to have been a girl, how I’d confided in Ellen and she’d believed me, preferring girls to boys as friends, dressing up in Ellen’s clothes and loving it, playing with her make-up, loathing my body even before puberty and how that hatred and shame grew as I got older, finding out I was attracted to boys but not as a boy and I had to hide it and try to fit in when Ellen left by trying to suppress who I was and how it depressed me leading me to turn to alcohol for comfort since I was afraid of telling anyone my feelings.

I told her how booze became my master until I realized I was on the verge of ruining my life. I told her about the psychologist, how I cried when she confirmed I was a girl, telling Pete, my voice lessons, my workmates and how they treated me, Wills and Jo’s different attitudes, Myra’s help and friendship, Claire, my hormones and what they were doing to me and how much I loved it.

When I was finished Mum also had tears in her eyes but she hugged me fiercely.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you, I didn’t understand,” she apologized.

“Do you understand now?” I asked her.

“Yes I do. You’re my little girl,” said Mum warmly, “let’s make a fresh start,” she offered.

I couldn’t believe it, “Really?”

Mum nodded, “Yes I’ve always wanted a daughter,” she said with a smile.

I threw my arms around her, overjoyed, “Mum you’re wonderful. I love you,” I told her, meaning it with all my heart.

“I love you too Charlene,”” was Mum’s reply accompanied by a kiss on my forehead, “You’re such a beauty,” she said in genuine admiration.

“Thanks Mum,” I said to her

In a sense that evening was the start of a new chapter in my relationship with my mother. I told her what I hoped to do in future and she listened, seeing me in a new light. We became friends when she called me her daughter. Dad found us talking over tea, my tears all gone and replaced by a happy smile. He left us in peace understanding something had changed between Mum and me.

“Mum I’m going to stay because I don’t want to live alone and I love it here, it’s my home,” I told her.

“You’re right. This is your home and you cannot go because you feel unwanted. I can see I’m to blame for not trying to understand you. You have my support from today,” said Mum.

Making peace with my mother changed the atmosphere at home considerably. My mother went out of her way to do things for me, to talk to me and I did my best to meet her half way. I stopped working late and made sure I was home in time for dinner, watched the telly with my parents. I resumed helping with the cooking if I was in early something I’d abandoned ages ago and I loved it, so did Mum. We bonded best in the kitchen as she loved cooking as much as I did, we talked more easily in there and slowly Mum began discovering who I was- her adult daughter.

Though Mum and I had accepted that we needed each other and loved each other more than we differed, it wasn’t the same with my brother. I was still upset about what he’d said and it made me avoid him and his family during the time I spent working things out with Mum. They helped by not coming as much but I knew we couldn’t avoid each other forever.

“Mum I’m going to get my hair done,” I said, “I’ll be back in a ...oh hi Jo,” I said quickly as I walked into the kitchen before pausing at the sight of my sister in law

“Hi Charlene, how are you? I hardly see you anymore,” replied Jo.

I felt tears sting my eyes but said nothing. Rhys waddled towards me and hugged my legs.

“Auntie,” he said endearingly.

I looked down at him.

“Hi baby,” I said gently. I didn’t touch him though, remembering Wills warning.

“Please pick him up he’s missed you so much,” said Jo gently.

I wanted to but the memory of Wills words was still sharp. I just looked at Jo and Mum feeling close to losing it.

“I’m sorry Charlene, what Wills said was uncalled for and I definitely don’t agree. Rhys is my son and I don’t want you to exclude him from your life,” said Jo.

“Aunt Charlene,” Rhys remarked, still holding onto my legs and tugging my heartstrings.

I couldn’t resist, I picked him up and hugged him while I cried.

“Don’t cry Auntie,” my nephew said, putting his chubby hand to my cheek.

I was so touched I tried to stop crying and grin as Mum and Jo smiled.

I kissed Rhys before handing him back to Jo but Rhys refused and started crying.

“He wants you,” said Jo with a smile.

“I can’t, I have to go,” I replied.

“Tell you what, why don’t I come with you? That way you can stay with him and show me that salon of yours,” suggested Jo.

Every bone in me said no, Wills told me to stay away from his son, there’s enough bad blood between us and I don’t want to worsen it I thought.

“Come on girl,” pleaded Jo.

I’d missed chatting to Jo a lot; she’d always been an understanding person so how could I refuse?

“’Kay we’ll go together,” I agreed.

“Thanks,” replied Jo.

“Stay here with your auntie and granny luv, Mummy will be back soon,” Jo cooed to her son before she made her way out to go and change.

I looked at Mum while Rhys pulled my hair.

“Jo’s going to get me into trouble with Wills,” I said quietly.

“Don’t be silly,” replied Mum.

“He made it clear I was to stay away from Rhys,” I went on.

“That was a stupid thing for him to say. Your father and I did have a word with him about it that day. Jo too, if anything happened to him and Jo who do they think would look after Rhys like their own?” she asked.

“You and Dad would,” I said quietly.

“Stu and I won’t be here forever dear and the fact is you are Rhys aunt and what he said hurt all of us. Have fun with Jo okay and don’t reject Rhys he’s just a baby,” said Mum gently.

I reached for her and she embraced me and Rhys.

“What have you been up to these past weeks?” asked Jo when we were in the bus.

“I was hiding; Wills really hurt me that day. I just needed to be away from everyone so I stayed away from everyone so I stayed late at work and left early in the morning, I was planning on moving out,” I admitted.

“I’m sorry he said that and that no one spoke out against it. I didn’t agree with Wills,” said my sister-in-law.

“I wanted to talk to you but you were never there,” she explained while I cuddled Rhys absently.

“I’m sorry I avoided you I just don’t want to put you and Wills into conflict. If he won’t accept me fine, don’t give him a hard time because of me. He said I should avoid Rhys which hurt but I won’t go against him if that’s what he wants,” I replied.

“Charlene he didn’t mean that,” said Jo desperately.

“What did he mean? Look when Rhys grows up and ever behaves in any strange way it’ll be my fault which is what Wills meant right? I’m some filthy drag queen in his eyes,” I said despondently.

Jo sighed helplessly.

“So you’re going to avoid Rhys and move away because of that?” she asked me.

“I’m not moving out of my home. Mum and I have worked things out, she doesn’t think I’m a disgrace and she wants me to stay as long as I please,” I replied deliberately avoiding the first part of the question.

Jo said nothing and I took advantage of this to turn our conversation to more trivial issues.

to be continued

By Sydney Moya

 ©2013

Chapter Seven

I had Dad’s silent but clear acceptance Mum’s and Jo’s full support. All of them knew my decision and respected it. Wills on the other hand remained against me being a woman and our relationship turned frigid.

We didn’t talk to each other anymore, if he appeared at home I usually left and found somewhere else to go or something else to do that did not involve being around. I didn’t venture to his house but couldn’t maintain my avoidance of Rhys since he was so irresistible and I loved him so much.

Jo and I remained excellent friends and if Wills disapproved he never said. I had the whole family on my side except Wills and I didn’t care or least began persuading myself to that effect. Naturally our mother was concerned about this but could not talk to either of us since we were so set in our beliefs. I had always looked up to my brother but now my view of him had been dimmed, he’d let me down and kicked me when I needed him.

I could never forget his harsh words to me. I wondered what makes men feel threatened by transsexual women.

Is it because they harbour hidden desires to be female too and resent them for accepting theirs or do we make them vulnerable since their world view of masculine superiority is slapped in the face by us telling them being a guy isn’t as wonderful as they make out to be.

I will never understand it. Wills had known me forever, he knew I’d been feminine from day one, he’d been worried about my serious drinking problem but he’d never disliked me for it. Now you could feel the contempt he had for me because I was a woman. I hadn’t changed in character, I was still the same person on the inside only I was happier, stable and a teetotaller and he didn’t like that because it came packaged in a dress, long hair, lipstick and high heels. He wanted me to get help and I got it yet he hated the results.

What a hypocrite! I told myself.

Mum was at my side when I had my boob job nine months into my transition. She was holding my hand and was the first person I saw when I woke up. My recovery was uncomfortable to say the least but Mum was there with compresses and gentle reassurances which only strengthened our bond.

“I know you’re sore but I’ll take you shopping for those low cut tops girls your age seem to love so much,” she told me one night a few days after my return from the clinic as she tended to me.

The pain was worth it though as I was really pleased with my bust after I recovered. I was now a 38C and I felt super gorgeous and proud of myself. I didn’t have to put up with the prosthetics anymore which was a relief as they’d made me feel like a fake. I’d longed to have a normal bust for years and I couldn’t wait for summer so I could wear revealing tops!

Having seen the light, my mother treated me more like her daughter than ever before. On one outing together with Jo and Rhys she referred to me as her daughter when she met old acquaintances. It’s funny what gender does to peoples thinking, now that she saw me as a girl she was assigning me more housework, I realised I was doing the cooking more frequently, along with the dishes and some of the vacuuming on weekends. Mum became loathe to let me handle big loads, when she wanted to get a large box with old things downstairs she called Wills over to help Dad lug it downstairs.

Wills came over, did it and said nothing, the next time the kitchen sink wouldn’t drain and some bathroom tiles where coming unstuck she called on Will once more.

“Can’t Charlie do it?” he asked exasperatedly.

“William,” said Mum quietly.

Wills came over and did the DIY job for her though he muttered something about me being unable to do it because, “Charlie’s long nails would get damaged I suppose,” in a voice loud enough for me to overhear.

I kept my cool and ignored him knowing he was baiting me. Afterwards I told Mum, “If you want something fixed around here don’t call Wills over just tell and I’ll get somebody to do it,”

“Charlene you can’t waste money like that,” my mother replied.

“Mum I heard him he’s itching for a row with me. I don’t want that. Besides it’s my money I’ll be wasting but it’ll give me peace of mind knowing Wills won’t have a leg to stand on,” I replied.

Mum sighed; she hated seeing her children in bad books with one another.

“Don’t worry Mum he’ll come around soon,” I told her gently.

“I hope so,” she murmured.

Wills and I were still not talking and my words were just wishful thinking judging by the way he looked at me after my op though he said nothing.

“The way he looks at me, so disparagingly,” I explained to Claire.

“He sounds like my brother except he threatened to beat me up when I told him I wasn’t a guy,” replied Claire, “you’re so lucky your mum understands how you feel, mine wouldn’t listen to me,” she added.

“Do you miss your family?” I asked.

“Sometimes but they made it abundantly clear I was unwelcome if I wasn’t a woman. It doesn’t matter anymore, I’ve had a great nine months and I’m very happy now,” she replied calmly.

I admired her; she was so independent at 20.

“If you met them in the street what would you do?” I asked her.

“Ignore them I guess. As far as their concerned Claire McCaskill doesn’t exist and I’m not their son,” she replied.

“Um Claire when is your birthday?” I asked getting an idea.

“Next month, why’d you wanna know?” she answered.

“You’re my friend, I wanna get you a pressie that’s all,” I replied with a smile.

I knew Clare was on a tight budget and she was saving for implants. Besides liking her I felt a bit sad that she had such a family while mine was behind me (well most of them anyway).

Did I mention that after I got my implants I seemed more comfortable with the idea of actually going out with a real live guy? I knew I was attractive just from the way men I didn’t know looked at me in restaurants, shops and in the streets.

Richie my colleague looked at me in a rather less friendly and more man to woman way which I liked as it validated my womanhood in a great way though I didn’t want this new dynamic to alter our purely platonic relationship.

I don’t know how I would have handled a bloke’s real interest but the fact that they were looking did wonders for my ego.

“I know this sounds silly but I do want a relationship with a guy preferably someone I’ve never known. Where do I meet hot, eligible men then? Clubbing’s not my scene, I hate pubs and every guy see in a restaurant is with another woman. Now I hear you asking, what will you do with a man when your body’s a W-I-P? Fair point, but that aside I would like a boyfriend, someone to share life with, to worry about and share all the joys and sorrows life throws and a waiting a year seems a daunting prospect,” I wrote in my journal one night.

“Charlene you shouldn’t have!” Claire exclaimed when I sprung my surprise on her, a gift certificate for a cosmetic procedure of her choice.

“Do you want the boobs or not?” I replied with a smile whereupon Claire threw her arms around me.

“Thank you so much!” she said emotionally.

“Happy birthday Claire but there’s more. You’re invited to dinner at my place tonight,” I said when we pulled apart.

“I don’t know what to say,” she added, still stunned.

“What about yes I’d love to,” I teased.

“Yes I’d love to. Your family won’t mind right?”

“It was Mum’s suggestion actually and I liked it. You can’t have your 21st all alone,” I told her gently.

“You’re such a great friend,” answered Claire, looking close to tears.

Mum had made Claire a wonderful cake while I’d cooked a splendid dinner for her if I do say so myself! Pete and Myra also pitched up and Claire a nice time. Even though she was doing well without her family and behaved like she didn’t miss them, deep down I knew she would have been particularly lonely that night, her first birthday without her family.

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

 © 2013

Chapter 8

Apparently someone in her family did think of her on her birthday because her phone rang after dinner.

“May I speak to Claire McCaskill,” said a female voice.

“Speaking,” replied Claire before excusing herself from the table.

“It’s me Julie, I just called to wish you a happy birthday,” said the caller.

Julie was Claire’s 17 year old little sister.

Claire was shocked.

“Hi Julie, thank you but why are you calling me. I don’t even exist according to your parents. You’ll be in trouble if they find out,” replied Claire coldly.

Not one of her family had tried to understand or back her up, each and every one of them had turned their backs on her, Julie included. She’d called her a freak.

“I’m sorry I insulted you, I shouldn’t have done that. I now understand why you wanted to be a girl thanks to this girl at school who is just like you. We all treated you badly and I miss you terribly. Please forgive me, I was so stupid,” pleaded Julie.

Claire was dumbstruck, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“Hey are you still there?” Julie queried.

“Yeah I am, I’m just stunned that’s all,” Claire replied.

“I really mean this Claire, I know I hurt you but I’m sorry,” Julie answered fervently.

Claire took a deep breath and said, “I forgive you. Thank you for calling, I’ve missed you too,” she said softly.

“Thanks sis, I won’t be in trouble I’m sleeping over at a friend’s. How are you doing?” Julie asked with interest.

Claire heard her call her ‘sis’ and was touched.

‘I’m okay, how’s everyone back home doing?” Claire found herself asking.

“Their fine but the place sucks without you,” came the teen’s reply, “I wish you could come back and we could start over,” she sighed.

“I can’t, you heard Mum and Dad and Logan will kill me. Things are better off this way,” said Claire.

Julie began crying, “We were so cruel to you, how can a family do that to one of its kids,” she wept.

Claire knowing Julie well knew she hardly ever cried so she could tell she felt bad and was sorry for her.

“I don’t hate you or Mum, Dad, Logan and Colin. Don’t cry its water under the bridge now, I have my life back now and you’ve made my day by getting in touch,” said Claire gently.

“Are you happy? Did you have a nice birthday?” Julie asked, trying to regain her composure.

“Yes I love being me and I had a nice birthday celebration at a friend’s house and we’re cutting the cake soon,” explained Claire.

“I’m not holding you up am I?” queried Julie anxiously.

“No not at all. My friend will understand,” said Claire.

“Is your friend a guy?” Julie asked.

Claire laughed, “No it’s a girl. I don’t have a boyfriend if that’s what you’re thinking not that I wouldn’t mind one.”

“How do you look?” enquired Julie, “Are you pretty?”

“I don’t know about being pretty but my hair’s longer these days,” replied Claire.

“Send me a photo,” suggested Julie.

“You know I can’t do that. What if Mum and Dad see it, you know how they are about your phone and they don’t want you to have anything to with me. If they saw my picture you’d be in hot water,” replied Claire.

“Please Claire, I really miss you. No one will see it besides me. I need to see you. I’m on MySpace and I check my account at Bev’s house, sign up and I’ll add you to my list or if you think that’s a risk I won’t add you but it’ll be a way of keeping in touch,” supplied Julie.

“You do want that right? Because I do, you’re the only sister I’ll ever have,” finished Julie.

“That’s so sweet Julie. I’ll do it if you’re sure it won’t get you into trouble,” said Claire really moved.

“I promise to be careful. I have to go. Happy birthday honey, I love you.”

“I love you too and thank you for calling you made my day really special,” responded Claire.

“Good for you Claire,” I said to Claire when she told me who had called her.

“I can’t believe it, her call was the perfect birthday present,” Chloe told me.

In the ensuing weeks Claire and Julie chatted online until Julie asked to see her.

“No you can’t meet with me. If Mum and Dad found you met with me it’ll be a disaster,” she told her sister.

“Come on Claire. Don’t you want to see me?” replied Julie.

“Yes I do but I don’t want to get you into trouble,” responded Claire.

“Sod them. If they find out I don’t care. I’ll have seen you and followed my conscience,” said Julie forcefully.

“What about me? You’ll put me at risk,” said Clare unhappily.

“How, you don’t exist in their eyes and they don’t know where you live,” said Julie.

“Remember in their view I’m all sorts of things so I’ll be a bad influence and they know where I work, I don’t anymore trouble or anything to do with them,” said Claire.

“Maybe you’re still mad at me and that’s why you don’t want. I’m sorry I treated you the way I did okay,” said Julie in a sulky voice.

“Julie, we’ve been through this, I have nothing against you. I love you and I forgave you way back,” said Claire in exasperation.

“Then why won’t you let me see you, it feels like you’re punishing me. Do you want me to show up at your garage?” replied Julie sadly.

Claire gave in.

“Alright,” she said with a sigh, “name the time and place.”

I told Claire that I thought it was wonderful that her sister wanted to see her.

“I think it’s just great Claire you ought to show her your flat,” I suggested.

“No way, we’re meeting at a coffee shop. I can’t risk bringing her home because she might start showing up whenever she wanted to see me,” said Claire though she was smiling.

“Look, um,” began Richie nervously one Friday.

“Yes,” I said wondering what was on his mind.

“Would you like to come see a play with me tomorrow, I just happen to have a spare ticket,” he said leaving me taken aback.

Was he really asking me for a date?

“Um sure why not?” I said without giving it a second thought.

He smiled that cute smile of his and I suddenly realised I’d never thought of it that way.

“Great, I’ll pick you up at six,” he said cheerfully.

“Okay,” I said smiling while I thought- what just happened here?

Did I really just get asked out by Richie and did I agree? Sounds like a date.

I tried to talk myself down.

“Don’t be silly Richie’s just being friendly like he’s been at all those lunches and dinners you’ve had.”

I wasn’t convinced.

‘Come to think of it what were those dinners anyway? Okay we talked about work, him and me. Fair enough but what work could we possibly be chatting about on a Saturday night at the West End? That leaves him and me so logically he’s interested in me!

Whoopee! Wait a sec, women aren’t supposed to think logically or are they?

He likes me! Does he see me as a woman or is he gay? Don’t think like that!

What am I going to wear?

Does he really like me that way?

Why was he so nervous?

Oh gosh, I don’t know what to think.’

I texted Claire, “If a guy you work with who has always been friendly to you asks you to see a play on a Saturday night what do you make of it.”

Her reply was almost instantaneous.

“OMG! Don’t tell me you’ve got a date. What are you going to wear? Is he good looking? Do you like him?” she texted back.

I immediately phoned her.

“Congratulations girl!” Claire said the minute she picked up.

“Um thanks but I don’t think it’s a date you know, its more friendly less datey” I said more to convince myself than Claire.

“Of course Charlene but if that’s the case what would you call an outing with me?” Claire pointed out.

I thought she had a point.

“Listen girl, you have every right to have guys like you, there’s nothing wrong with it. After all you are a girl. I want you to stop lying to yourself and go to that play and have fun, alright?” Claire instructed, putting me at ease, she could always be relied upon to say the right thing.

“I will Mum,” I teased.

So what if Richie was being friendly or not, it didn’t matter as long as I had fun which is what I intended to do.

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

 © 2012-2013

All rights reserved

Chapter 9

“Edith I was so wrong about Charlene,” Mum told her friend Mrs Dalny, “No man would go to the lengths she’s gone. I’ve been so wrong to think she was a man when she hated it so much,”

Her crony nodded.

“She is rather pretty and she doesn’t drink anymore does she?”

“No she doesn’t, ever since stopping living as a man she hasn’t touched drop. I think that was the cause of her boozing, she was trying to numb the pain. My poor child,” replied Mum.

Mrs Dalny nodded once again.

“She does look content, there’s this serenity about her lately,” she remarked.

“Yes I know what you mean. I’m so happy that she’s at peace with the world and happy nowadays,” agreed Mum quietly.

“What’s Stu’s take on losing his boy?” Mrs Dalny asked.

“You can never tell with Stu but I think he’s a bit disappointed. Of course he understands how badly our Charlene felt about it, the way she drank! And gosh how she cried when she told me how she felt. He saw that and even if it was a blow he knows her happiness is the most important thing and he would never stand in the way of that. Wills is the most affected by all this, he is totally opposed to Charlene and they haven’t spoken to each other in months. Charlene hates how he mocks her and always calls her Charlie. I think Wills is taking it the wrong way and it’s costing him the respect and affection Charlene has for him.”

“Mum tell me what you think of this dress?” I asked my mother on the afternoon of my ‘non date’ with Richie.

I held up the navy blue gown I’d just bought.

“Hmm, try it on first. It’s yours right?” she responded uncertainly.

“Yes its mine,” I responded happily before going to change into it.

‘I love this, being a girl is so cool,’ I thought as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I had a really pleasing figure

“I wish I could get my op today,” I sighed before going back downstairs.

“So how do I look?” I said when I reached Mum.

“You look lovely; it’s perfect on you it brings out those gorgeous eyes. I wish I’d had your figure when I was your 23 luv, you’re gorgeous,” exclaimed Mum in wonder.

I smiled.

“Thanks Mum. I love it too,” I responded happily.

“What’s the occasion?” enquired Mum.

“I’m going to see a play tonight,” I answered in the same cheerful tone.

“Alone,” said Mum with interest.

I felt my cheeks colour.

“No I’m going with Richie,” I replied.

“Really, I thought you said he was just a friend,” said Mum.

I rolled my eyes.

“He is,” I said but without conviction.

Mum gave me a shrewd look.

“If you say so but I wonder why you bought such a beautiful dress but then what do I know, I’m just an old biddy,” said Mum.

“It’s not what you think Mum. We’re just friends and I bought this because I liked it. Richie doesn’t see me that way anyway,” I told her though I was still flushed.”Whatever you say dear,” remarked Mum knowingly before she turned away to attend to her chopping board.

“Oh Mum,” I sighed walking up to her and giving her an over the shoulder hug. “I can’t have a boyfriend yet okay? I don’t like Richie except as a friend and colleague who see’s me as a complete human being,not as a freak or transsexual. Besides, we always do lunch and some dinners together and he has never indicated liking me as a girlfriend. I’m perfectly happy with that,” I told her.

Mum just turned me around and kissed my cheek before smiling at me, “Have fun dear,” she said.

“I will,” I replied before walking out of the kitchen.

I met Wills as he walked in and he gave me the usual sour look which I ignored.

All the sour looks in the world would never make me into his brother again I thought. We passed each other in silence as usual.

Richie was at my place at six on the dot.

“Hey Richie,” I said nervously.

“Hi Charlene, all set,” he replied with a smile.

“Yep let’s go,” I answered still not believing I had a date.

“Dad I’m really concerned about Charlie and all this rubbish about being a woman. I really think you should talk some sense into him,” Wills told Dad as I left the house. They were in the living room watching the football like they did nearly every weekend.

Dad said nothing for a while, carefully considering his words as usual.

“I know you’re concerned but Charlie’s 23 years old and isn’t a small child anymore. The more we tell Charlie to be a man the more she resents it because she hates it,” said Dad quietly.

Wills shook his head, “So you think that barmy doctor was right to tell him to get a sex-change, then?” he asked.

“Possibly, Charlie hasn’t touched the sauce since then, in my experience something unbearable drives someone to drink the way Charlie did. It’s a form of escape so to speak and in Charlie’s case it was extreme. The fact is Charlie must have hated being a man to drink like that because the minute she stopped hiding and being a man the boozing stopped and Charlie seems happy being a woman. Who am I to tell her not to be something that fulfils her if it’s not illegal?” Dad answered solemnly.

Wills was shell-shocked.

“But he’s your son,” he said.

“Was my son,” Dad corrected him, “its time you stopped thinking of Charlene the way you do William, I don’t mind her being my daughter if she wants it that much nor does your mother. Charlene thinks you hate her and that’s no good, you two have no one else besides each other you know,” said Dad calmly.

“Well you and Mum might like it but I don’t, Charlie’s a man not a woman,” Wills insisted.

“Why are you so obsessed about Charlene being a man?” queried Mum from the door.

“You’re fighting a losing battle when you oppose someone’s identity Wills, all you’ll do is just cause antagonism. Charlene wanted to be a girl when she was 4 and it’s been bothering her throughout her life. In case you haven’t noticed your brother had breast implants a while back, what kind of a boy does that unless she is a girl on the inside or can dress as a woman all the time and feel normal. Face it you’ve got a sister not a brother and that’s not going to change no matter how much you hate it or argue against it,” Mum said.

I had a great time watching the play with Richie, it was Mary Poppins and I found myself laughing and crying all in one evening but the really interesting thing happened afterwards.

“You look nice,” Richie said as we were having dinner.

“Um thanks,” I replied, looking into my plate not knowing what to think while I coloured slightly.

We had the rest of the meal in companionable silence with a bit of chitchat here and there. When we got back to the car, Richie didn’t immediately start the engine but just looked at me.

“Charlene there’s something I want to get off my chest,” he began, “I love you,” he said quietly.

Before I could reply he tenderly drew me towards himself and for some reason I just went with it like a moth to a light and he kissed me, his mouth warm and sensual, I was too stunned to resist as his tongue invaded my mouth and actually found myself responding and enjoying it.

“Gosh you’re lovely,” he whispered when our lips parted.

“Richie,” I said softly as I attempted to collect myself and catch my breath.

He looked at me with longing.

“I like you but only as a friend, we can’t have that kind of relationship because my body’s not okay yet and I don’t want people at the office to ostracise you,” I wanted to say but it came to as,

“It won’t work Richie,” I said in a whisper.

In truth I didn’t know how I felt as conflicting emotions and thoughts overwhelmed me. I had just received my first kiss, a red letter moment for any girl but it didn’t mean I loved Richie, or did I? Everything was so confusing.

Where does the line between friendship and what Richie wanted lie?

“It will and you know it,” Richie insisted before picking up my hands.

I wondered how on earth our relationship reached the point where Richie kissed and proposed love to me.

Did he love me because I was a woman or had he always had feelings for me? Was he straight and attracted to me or was he gay?

All these questions flitted through my head. Sure I liked him but it was how I liked Pete, purely platonic.

“Richie please I don’t know what to say,” I pleaded.

“Say you love me,” he replied passionately before picking up my hands.

“I need to think,” I answered.

He gave me a pained look, the longing in his eyes plain to see.

“I need some space,” I said softly.

“Okay,” he agreed before he gently kissed my forehead.

I couldn’t sleep that night because of that kiss and what it meant. I had never been in love with anyone and that was my first kiss. I hadn’t even told Mum what had happened, it would have simply publicised what I needed to sort out alone, internally.

I’m a girl and Richie’s a guy who says he loves me. Okay, but can a man love a transsexual and if so one who is pre-op? Unless he is gay which won’t do because I’m a straight woman, more to the point do I love Richie?

What is love anyway and if I love him can he wait till my surgery? I asked myself

Unfortunately there were no answers coming forth and when I finally dozed off I was nowhere near clarifying things

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

 ©2014

Chapter ten

“Morning Mum,” I said the next morning at breakfast.

“Morning dearie, what’s wrong, you look peaky,” said Mum, eyeing me worriedly.

“Insomnia, I couldn’t sleep for most of the night,” I said with a yawn.

“Probably that laptop of yours, you spend so much time each evening on it, it’s a wonder you can still sleep,” Mum responded.

I rolled my eyes.

She’d been having a go about me having a TV and being glued to my laptop while in bed for ages. As far as she was concerned it interfered with my sleeping habits. In her eyes bedrooms were for sleeping in only.

I called Claire and asked if I could drop in on her.

“Sure, how was your date? Claire queried.

“That’s what I want to talk about. You won’t believe what happened,” I replied.

“Ooh, sounds interesting. Do tell,” she replied.

“I can’t, I have to tell you in person sit tight and give me an hour,” I told her.

“An hour and counting,”

I fixed myself up and left to go to Claire’s. A cup of tea greeted me.

“Now tell me all about your date,” she said excitedly.

“You first, how was your sister?” I replied.

“That’s not the deal we made,” explained Claire.

That didn’t stop her from gushing about it.

“It was great to see her again, I didn’t realise how much I missed her until yesterday,” she went on.

“Was she happy to see you, did she recognise you?” I asked.

My pal nodded, “Yeah she did despite the hair she claimed she’d have known me anywhere and was quite pleased with how I look. Boy was she thrilled to see me.”

“Are you going to keep seeing each other?”

“‘Course though I had said we shouldn’t both of us need to be in each other’s lives. I can’t tell Julie I can’t keep seeing her when she wants it so much and to be honest I’ve missed her so much too,” answered Claire.

“What about your parents?” I queried.

“They don’t have to know. I just hope they don’t find out,” she answered before passing me her camera. There was a picture of her and another girl with a strong resemblance to her.

“That’s Julie,” she said proudly.

“She looks just like you,” I said warmly.

Claire smiled liking the comparison.

“Does she? Thanks,” she answered as she looked at the pic, a smile on her lips.

“Enough about me, tell me about your date,” said my friend with an inordinate amount of interest I thought.

“It wasn’t a date,” I corrected.

“You’re not convincing anyone so drop the pretence,” replied Claire with a smirk.

I had to smile back.

“It looks I’m the only one labouring under that delusion,” I answered as I thought of Mum, Claire’s words and Richie’s kiss.

“What do you mean?” Claire asked.

“Richie kissed me last night and said he loves me,” I told her.

Claire was gobsmacked, “Really, OMG Charlene! Do you feel the same?” she exclaimed.

“I like Richie but not that way,” I replied in a worried voice.

Claire gave me a sympathetic look.

“Are you scared of liking him or you just don’t know?” she asked.

“Frankly, I don’t know,” I said with a sigh.

“Okay spill, what’s on your mind?”

I took a sip of tea.

“Part of me says I should be flattered that a guy can feel like that for me but then I think maybe Richie thinks I’ve had my op or he’s bi. And then I worry if I’m ready for a full scale relationship,” I told my friend, “especially if I don’t know what if feel about the guy, I’m just so confused.”

We sat in silence for a while, drinking copious amounts of tea, until Claire asked,

“What did you tell him?”

“That it wouldn’t work but he insists it will. I think he’s crazy about me and he came on really strong Claire. I was too overwhelmed to say anything except to tell him I needed some space,” I responded, my voice sounding distressed.

“Will he give you your space?” replied Claire gently.

I nodded, “Yes but I don’t know for how long that’ll be. I don’t think I can go to work tomorrow, what’ll I say to him?” I replied morosely.

“Charlene,” said Claire gently, “you don’t love this guy but you’re fond of him and I think you’re scared to lose your only friend at work if you turn him down. You’ve come to depend on him because he treats you normally and that’s what you don’t want to lose. Unfortunately he’s fallen for you in the process. Tell him you don’t feel the same, it’s the only thing you can do,” she advised.

***

“What’s the matter dear?” Mum asked me at dinner.

“Your mind’s elsewhere,” commented Dad as he looked at my plate, the food had barely been touched. I was so lost in thought about in Richie and what Claire had said that eating was the last thing on my mind,

“Sorry, I was just thinking about work, that’s all,” I told my parents before giving my meal a bit more attention so as to get them off my back. Dad seemed satisfied with my answer but Mum gave me that look mothers always have when something’s bothering their child but the child won’t tell. I avoided meeting her eyes which confirmed I was hiding something.

Maybe it’s my fault. I probably led Richie on. Wasn’t I the one who told herself she wanted a relationship with a guy? Maybe I sent the wrong signals and admit it you know what some guys are like if a girl shows even the friendliest interest.

Yes I probably sent the wrong signals- I smiled and said yes to the West End thingy and countless other things- yes he probably thought I had the hot’s for him, after all I omitted to say otherwise.

Gosh what a mess, I thought as I lay in bed.

I went to work the next morning not knowing how I’d handle Richie when I saw him. I had told myself I didn’t want a romantic relationship with him and had a mental picture of myself telling him it wouldn’t work.

“I can’t go out with you,” I whispered to myself the entire morning.

Finally I went to his office and asked him to lunch, my mind made up.

“Richie I can’t go out with you, I’m not in love with you,” I said to Richie from out of the blue.

We were in the midst of lunch and discussing a client’s needs. There seemed to be no other way of letting him know than for me to just get it off my chest. It sounds harsh I know but I said it in my gentlest tone.

Richie froze in mid-sentence, looking shattered and my heart swelled with pity for him.

“I like you as a friend,” I added.

“Oh,” he replied in a whisper, “I understand,” he added quietly, regaining control.

I hated myself for a moment for putting him through this.

“I’d better get back, I’ve got work to do thanks for the meal,” he said before standing and leaving the restaurant.

I didn’t know what to say or do.

We hardly talked to each other for the rest of the week and when we did it was only because it had something to do with work. Part of me knew it was Richie’s way of getting over me. It probably hurt him a lot to see me so I respected his tacit wish for me to keep clear from him. Yet another part of me regretted what my words had to our previously easy going friendship.

Still it was a surprise when Mr Smith called us all and announced that Richie had tendered his resignation. He was leaving to do VSO work in Sierra Leone. Needless to say the entire office was taken aback, it was so out of the blue and Richie was pretty good at his job and definitely had a bright future. He had all the reasons to stay on; he was young, talented and well thought of. The pay was great and the job challenging.

So you can imagine what a shock it was to hear he was going to Sierra Leone. Was it my fault? I asked myself almost as soon as the news was broken. Had I hurt him so much that he felt it necessary to go all the way to Africa?

To be continued.

A New Direction

Sydney Moya

©2015

Chapter 11

I can’t begin to describe the nature the nature of my thoughts and emotions concerning Richie in the four weeks that served as his notice period. I wanted to talk to him but he’d clearly made it a point to avoid me and I was too reticent to seek him out. His behaviour confirmed my suspicions. Ever since our date at the theatre things between us had gone pear-shaped. He didn’t pop in to say hi or to ask if we could do lunch like he used to. Furthermore we were working on separate accounts so professionally he had no reason to consult me. So the weeks and I grew to despair of the thought of going to a workplace where I had no one I could call a friend. Richie was the only person who’d gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable. To everyone else I was a pariah. Richie’s avoidance of me brought home that fact.

The day of Richie’s farewell party and departure came too quickly but come it did. As usual I was alone and definitely not enjoying myself while everyone feted Richie.

I’d better go home I thought even though I badly wanted to talk to Richie. I took another glance at him, he was still surrounded by people but our eyes met and we held each other gaze for a second before I tore my eyes away and went to my cubicle.

Seconds later I’d packed my things and was leaving when I noticed Richie standing by my door.

“Oh hi Richie,” I said.

“Hi,” he answered.

“So you’re leaving,” I started for lack of anything better to say.

“Yes,” he replied.

We stood in silence gazing at each other and wondering what to say.

"You weren't enjoying the party?" Richie asked, breaking the silence

“No not really,” I replied honestly.

How could I when my only friend was leaving possibly because of me?

“I was about to leave,” I added.

“Oh,” he said his voice holding a note of disappointment.

He turned to leave.

“Richie wait,” I whispered and he halted, surprised.

I went over to him.

“Look I’m sorry about things turning out the way they did, I never meant to hurt you it’s just that I didn’t share your feelings,” I told him looking into his eyes, “and I want to thank you for being a great friend and being the only person who treated me like a human being. I loved every second I’ve spent with you and I don’t want you to leave with hard feelings,” I said very sincerely.

He looked at me for a few seconds before coming over and embracing me.

“No hard feelings,” he said as he held me in his arms for what seemed like an eon though it still felt nice. When he let go I promptly pecked him on the cheek.

“That’s for giving me a lovely first kiss,” I told him while I blushed wildly, “good luck and best wishes on your travels,” I added warmly.

We hugged each other again.

“Thanks girl, you will keep in touch right?”

“Yes, make sure you reply,” I teased before letting go.

“’Course I will.”

The office was never the same place after Richie’s departure. I had absolutely no one to socialise with but was still grateful that I’d parted on amicable terms with Richie. When I told Pete about the whole Richie affair he told me it was my fault in a way.

“You sent him the wrong signals,” he remarked as he sipped his Coke.

“How, I never once told Richie that I loved him,” I responded.

“Well maybe not but to some guys’ actions speak louder than words,” he replied in a rather knowing tone.

“I don’t get you because I never insinuated that I loved him either by word or gesture,” I answered half-irritated by his assumption.

“You went to dinners and lunches with him right?” Pete queried.

“Sure but that was for work purposes,” I retorted.

“Really,” said Pete looking at me with smiling eyes, “was advertising the only thing you two ever discussed? Didn’t you talk about colleagues, family, yourselves? Didn’t you make him laugh and laugh at his jokes in turn? He trusted you, you’re more attractive than you probably think and maybe he doesn’t mind you being transgender and its becoming harder and harder to reconcile you and the Charlie of 11 months ago,” remarked my friend.

In a way I could see his point but it rankled.

“So you’re going to say he fell for me because I was friendly and entertaining?” I asked, shocked.

“No I’m not but stranger things have happened,” said Pete with a smile.

“That’s not fair, are you saying I can’t be friendly to someone because I’m asking them to fall for me?” I asked, “Because that’s ridiculous.”

“You’re right but it sounds like what happened with Richie. You were nice to him and he assumed you loved him. Guys are like that,” commented Myra matter-of-factly, “you have to keep them at arm’s length then when you have one keep him on a leash,” she joked making me laugh.

Pete didn’t find it funny, “Say what?”

“It’s a girl thing, you wouldn’t understand,” replied Myra as we chuckled.

Even though I had no friends at work I still enjoyed my job, it was challenging and fulfilling and I made up for the lack of social interaction there by starting to go out again. Myra, Claire and I set up a girl’s night in and a girl’s night out every other Tuesday and Thursday. On those Thursday’s the three of us would spend the evening watching chick flicks and giggling incessantly about everything while on the Tuesday’s we either went clubbing or ate out. I never touched alcohol but always had fun and enjoyed being with my friends. The fact that Myra actually loved being with me and Claire, calling us, ‘a pair of silly girls,’ which in a way we were and treating us naturally was wonderful and Claire and I really appreciated her friendship.

You have to be transgendered to know how it feels when people of your chosen gender know your situation and still choose to accept you completely as one of them, it’s fantastic.

Time went by and before I knew it the one year anniversaries of two momentous events in my life came up. The first was my decision to quit drinking and the second and most important was my decision to embrace my true identity. I could scarcely believe it when they came by 2 months after each other. I hadn’t let a drop of alcohol pass my lips in over a year and looking back I wonder how I did it, the first two months were the hardest though the AA programme helped. It wasn’t until I came out to everyone and stopped living as a guy that the urge to drink lost its potency.

Sure there had been times when I felt tempted to buy a pint and this usually happened when I was stressed like after my argument with Wills or whenever I was in a restaurant and saw the wine list, reminders of alcohol being everywhere in this country and it being a social lubricant makes it a hard thing to ignore especially for an ex-boozer like me but there I was, a year later, alcohol free.

No more blackouts and killer hangovers, in a way I had removed a burden from my shoulders by becoming a teetotaller. Hot on the heels of this anniversary was me completing one year living as me! I remembered that first day when I’d struggled with my hair without hormones and unsympathetic family, I’d spent the day in bed eating milk and cookies and watching dvds and feeling miserable. How things can change in a year! I had hair that almost reached my shoulders now and though I still had bad hair days none of them were half as bad as that first day. I loved the way I looked now, I had the body I’d always wanted with one exception down there. The majority of my family accepted and supported me and I had great friends and best of all oestrogen was now the dominant hormone in my body, I was more in touch with my emotions, felt a lot less aggression anger and I was a lot calmer.

There were no more erections and in 3-4 months I would have the surgery I’d waited for my whole life. Naturally I felt like a million bucks and to celebrate Pete, Myra and Claire took me for dinner where a great time was had by all even though no one had wine with their meal in solidarity with me.

“I’d like to thank you all for a lovely evening and for making the last year the most interesting and happiest of my life,” I told my friends at the end of the meal.

“Hear, hear Charlene,” replied Pete lifting his soft drink in a toast, “and I’d like to thank you for letting us in on your secret identity, as Charlene you’re far more interesting, healthier, funnier and thankfully I don’t have to carry you home every night after you’ve drunk too much,” he teased.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for telling me to get help and not abandoning me when I told you what I was going through,” I replied with a smile.

“Don’t mention it, what are mates for?” Pete said grinning back.

To be continued

A New Direction

Sydney Moya

All rights reserved

©2015

Chapter 12

“A year ago I took a big step in making the life I always wanted, I became Charlene and started living as a woman, which at the time was admittedly a very scary prospect. I was scared I would look like an unconvincing drag queen, my voice wouldn’t sound right, my family and friends would reject me and I’d lose my job. One year later none of these scenarios have come true. I know I’m gorgeous and even though it sounds vain it’s a fact, ask Richie my first admirer and the man who gave me a never to be forgotten first kiss. I’ve got a nice voice; Mum and Dad still love me and have accepted that I’m their daughter. They are definitely doing all they can to accept me. They call me Charlene and use the correct pronouns all the time now and I appreciate it so much. I know how hard it’s been to watch me change but at least they didn’t shun me and we are still a family. Wills is the only one completely against my transition for no better reason than that I’m embarrassing him. How on earth I do that is only known to him since I never go to his home, the places he hangs out nor have I been seen with him by his mates since my transition as we only meet at home- my home as well and even then we don’t speak to each other, in fact I haven’t said a word to him since his outburst. I didn’t even send him a Christmas present or even wish him a happy new year.

I suppose I’m being too proud but I hate what he said to me so much that I can’t bear to speak to him let alone stay 5 minutes in the same room with him and its driving Mum crazy. I do love Wills but if he can’t accept me I can’t do anything about that except to stay out of his way and go on with my life. Anyway I hope that in a year’s time I’ll be ten times happier and that I’ll finally be ok down there-and dare I say it?-Maybe I’ll be in love with a great guy. I am what I am I don’t want praise or pity. I just want to march to the beat of my own drum!” I wrote in my journal that night.

That same month (April ’03) I received an unsettling email. There were two transphobic cartoons both very offensive as my initials were inscribed on the transgender woman. The first one showed the girl kissing a guy while sporting a woody. I was obviously the woman being referenced as ‘Charlene’ was inscribed on the girls dress.

The next one hurt me so much I can’t even describe it here. I suppose I got the email accidentally because it was a chain message with the address of the sender (which I didn’t recognise), 12 workmates and 6 other people from our building were also cc’d. That email along with the way my colleagues treated me, gossiping, staring, wearing distasteful looks finally turned me against my firm. Though I never confronted anyone as if felt it wouldn’t get me anywhere I found that I couldn’t work with all 12 people in the address list anymore if that was what they were up to behind my back. I felt they were making cruel fun of m and it poisoned my working relationship with them. I decided I wanted out.

The minute I had my surgery I would leave and afresh somewhere else in stealth and with no baggage. So even though I tried to act unconcerned people’s prejudice finally got to me and made me decide to leave and avoid interacting with the 12 as much as I could. If they had the temerity to mock me how could they have the audacity to expect me to help them? This incident left a sour feeling in my mouth though it spurred me to greater heights in my output as I now wanted to burnish my credentials by doing the best I could as it would make me more marketable and was my own way of getting back at them.

“So you’re going to resign?” Claire asked when I told her about the emails.

“Yeah, how can I work with people like this?” I replied in exasperation.

“Good point but right away?” Claire replied just as sick of this as I was.

I knew her workplace was much worse than mine. She received snide remarks left, right and centre and still ignored them. The men she worked with gave her as a hard a time as was possible without breaking the law. She got the toughest and dirtiest jobs; her cleaning cloths regularly vanished with dirty ones left in their stead. As a result she didn’t take a lunch break anymore, arrived earlier and left earlier too just so she could have less time in their company. I was always telling her to leave, she had other skills that could get her a job but she couldn’t as the money was good and she had to put herself through school

“No but when I get my surgery I’m out,” I told her.

“In October,” Claire replied.

“Yes I’m going private. I’ve been saving since I came out and I have some money I’ve been saving since I started working,” I replied.

“You’re lucky I might have to wait for at least eighteen months on the NHS,” complained Claire.

“I know,” I clucked in sympathy, “at least you will get it in the end,” I remarked trying to put a positive spin on things.

“I should be grateful for small mercies I guess,” she muttered, “like Julie,” she said smiling.

“That’s nice,” I remarked.

Claire had been getting closer to her sister and she decided I should meet her.

“Where will I meet her?” I asked after she told me.

“At my place,” replied Claire.

“Your place?” I quizzed her, “I thought you weren’t too sure about letting her know where you stay for safety reasons,” I added, worried that her parents would find out from Julie.

“She’s genuine, I trust her,” replied Claire, “besides my family knows where I work, if they wanted to do something they’d have done it. I’m not a part of their lives anymore not since they chucked me out in January,” she reasoned.

“Okay but Julie is and if I’m not mistaken they didn’t want her associating with you. Imagine if they found out and made Julie tell them where you stay,” I responded, “and before you say it I know Julie’s 18 now but she still stays there and depends on your parents,” I continued, “so let’s meet at a restaurant or something at least till she goes to varsity.” I suggested.

“Ok I suppose you’re right,” conceded Claire.

“I know I’m right, you’ll thank me later,” I said not knowing how prescient my words would turn out to be.

One week later the pair of us walked into the restaurant where Claire had arranged to meet her sister. We were both wearing nice dresses, had fixed ourselves up and were looking our best when Claire took one look at a corner table and immediately turned around and said, “Let’s get out of here,” before grabbing my hand and leading me out before I could say a thing.

“Why are we leaving, what’s happening?” I asked in concern.

“I saw my mother with Julie, how could she?” Claire angrily said as we hurried down the pavement.

“What,” I said, involuntarily looking back.

“I can’t believe her,” my friend muttered as she turned into the entrance to an Underground Station and descended down the stairs.

I was amazed she could walk so fast in her 3 inch heels.

“Claire, hold on a second,” I said hurrying after her and grabbing her wrist.

“Maybe she’s got a valid reason for bringing her,” I suggested.

“Charlene, mum’s ten times worse than your brother. She told me that if I wanted to be a woman I should get out of her house and forget about being her child, she called me all sorts of things and Julie was there. My own mother spat at my feet okay and I have no wish to see her again now or ever,” Claire told me, shaking with anger.

She turned and walked onto the platform.

“I can’t believe you brought her with you. I trusted you and now you do this,” Claire texted her sister as we sat on the train. When we got off at the next station, her phone rang. It was Julie. Claire declined the call and walked on. Her phone rang again, this time she answered it.

“What is it Julie?”

I realised I’d never seen her so upset.

“It’s not what you think Claire,” replied Julie frantically.

“Oh come of it you’re sitting with Mum at the place I was supposed to meet you, what am I supposed to think?” Claire hit back.

“That’s because she’d like to talk to you, said Julie, leaving her sister in shocked silence.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

 © 2016

Chapter thirteen

I saw Claire’s features freeze and I couldn’t define the expression on her face, it was a mix of fear, confusion, and shock.

“Claire, are you still there?” Julie asked, she sounded worried.

Claire looked at me and her eyes looked gave it away, she was still hurt and vulnerable, clearly unsure what to do.

For the first time I had no idea what to say.

“I’m sorry I sprang this on you,” went on Julie before Claire finally found her voice again.

“I’ve got nothing to say to her. I don’t want to meet her Julie. Goodbye,” she said in a steely voice before ending the call and switching off her phone.

She looked at me, her eyes bright and I gave her a hug, right there in the street.

“Charlene,” announced Helen McMillan at the end of one session a few weeks later.

“Yes,” I said, rather despairingly.

I just went to see her because I had to not because I wanted to.

I wasn’t too happy at the fact that I still hadn’t received my go ahead for the surgery. I felt she was dragging her feet at my expense, in effect putting up more hoops for me to jump through.

She kept saying she was still gauging my state of mind. I wondered what there was to gauge. I had proved that I could live successfully as a woman, my relationship with my family was mostly intact and I was a better a person than I had been before my transition. What more did she want?

I didn’t appreciate it to say the least and was thinking about getting a second opinion. I hadn’t bothered asking her about a timeline for my surgery as I didn’t see the point. She’d been great until now. I was beginning to see her as an impediment to my progress.

“I think it’s time we started looking into your surgery,” she announced.

I was over the moon.

“Really,”

She nodded and smiled.

“It’s about time,” I said, a silly smile plastered on my face.

“I’m sorry if you felt that I’ve been delaying you. I’m required to ensure that only people who can meet the standards of care are put on the list,” she said apologetically.

“Yay I’m on the list. Thank you,” I responded happily.

I wasn’t the only one receiving good news.

Claire received an unexpected visitor at work. She called me that evening, sounding very emotional.

“It’s me Mum,” she murmured.

I waited for the explanation and she duly narrated what had happened.

“ McCaskill you’ve got visitors,’’ her supervisor had announced.

“Who are they?” Claire asked from beneath the car she was checking out.

“Dunno, just get yourself to the bay will you,” the supervisor gruffly said.

Minutes later Claire was at the visitors bay. Standing there was her mother, her back turned. For an instant Claire’s heart stopped, she felt bile in her throat, her face tightening into a frown. She stood there stock still, looking at the woman who’d brought her into the world and then disowned when she’d voiced what she believed was her true identity.

Claire’s brain told her turn back and head back to work but her heart wouldn’t allow her to turn her back on her mother.

‘I’m a glutton for punishment,’ she thought.

So she walked towards her until she was right behind her before giving a gentle cough. Her mother turned and saw her, she tried to reach out and embrace her but Claire stepped back, holding up her hands.

The embrace died before its birth leaving an awkward moment where the two women just stood looking at each other.

Claire’s mother finally broke the silence, “I thought you wouldn’t come,” she began.

“So did I,” said Claire, trying and failing to keep the ice out of her voice, “What do you want?”

“I wanted to see you, its been a year since I last laid eyes on you,” answered Mrs McCaskill.

“Well I’m sure we know which one of us wanted that,” responded Claire, unmoved by the attempted rapprochement.

"I know, I just came to ask your forgiveness. I'm sorry," her mother remarked, her eyes watering.

Claire was stunned, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

She rushed to the woman who'd brought her into this world and gave her the hug to end all hugs.

She was very happy when she called, telling me everything.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"I know I can't believe it either," she said.

I could feel her happiness over the phone.

We talked about what it meant.

"It turns out she had a heart to heart with Julie and the new GP and they made her understand everything I was going through," Claire explained.

"What about your Dad and your brothers?"

"Mum says their still upset but she thinks they'll come around," Claire explained.

My friend was the eternal optimist, always hoping for the best while I had a more pragmatic streak. Its one of the things I liked about her. She was so upbeat about life all the time no matter what it threw at her.

I would live to regret that.

Claire and her mum had lunch later that week with Claire telling her all about her life over the past year. Her mother apologised profusely again for everything. Claire sent me a text saying things were being patched up.

"Don't move back in just yet," I teased her though truth be told I was overjoyed for her.

Family is so important and I know how much it hurts when you think they don't care.

Not everyone in her family was like her sister though, her older brother Logan came by that Friday as she was knocking off work.

"Hey," he yelled when he saw her.

Claire's heart sank, she tried to increase her pace.

Logan upped his pace as well.

"Hey you fairy, I'm talking to you,'' he hollered.

Claire ignored him, walking away hoping he'd leave her alone. Logan ran up to her and grabbed her by the wrist.

"Let go," said Claire.

"No you listen up you stupid fairy. Stay away from Mum and Julie we don't need your sort around us,"

"Go to hell!" Claire said angrily.

"What did you say to me?"

"Go to hell Logan, why don't you leave me alone?"

Logan punched her repeatedly, felling her in the process. Once she was on the ground, the blows rained down, one after the other her screams piercing the air.

When I went to see Claire at the hospital, I was shocked at her appearance. Claire's face had been battered, she was black and blue, quite a sight. The nurse had told me she was in a bad way but that she was conscious.

I felt my heart break, how could people do this to each other?

I quickly hid my emotions behind a mask. I couldn't let her see my shock.

"Claire, how are you?" I asked in a concerned voice, while plastering a false smile on my face.

"Charlene," she croaked, ''you came."

"'Course I did," I murmured taking her hand and squeezing it.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"I brought you some flowers," I said, placing them on the table.

I was rewarded with a small smile.

"How are you?''

Claire shook her head, "Not good. I just want to go home," she remarked.

"Soon, just get better okay," I told her, “you can come and stay at my place, ‘kay?”

Claire shook her head slowly, "I don't know,'' she said quietly.

“You’ll be okay sweetie,’’ I urged her, willing it with all my heart to be so.

I hurried to the station. I hadn't seen her for a couple of days because of the deadline I was facing. I was worried about her, she sounded really down whenever I called or texted her. Her last message was quite uplifting thanking me for being a friend. For some reason this worried me. I’d promised Claire I’d be in to see her yesterday but I’d been held up at work. I knew she was depressed but I’d got her some chocolate in the hope of cheering her up. The train moved far too slowly. I worried I might miss visiting hours.

‘Dammit,’ I thought.

Finally after an age I reached the hospital and raced up to Claire’s ward. To my surprise Claire’s bed was empty. I looked around the ward and couldn’t spot my friend.

I went to the nurse’s station to find out if my friend had been moved or discharged.

“Hi, sorry to bother you but I can’t find my friend. Claire McCaskill,” I explained to the duty nurse, a middle aged black woman.

“Hello let me see,” said the nurse.

She typed in the name and I saw her face fall.

She looked up at me, “I’m sorry but Ms McCaskill passed away yesterday. I’m sorry.”

I looked at her.

“No,” I whispered, “no.”

That must the moment the tears began to fall and with my eyes a practically blinded I staggered to the benches. The sobs escaped from my throat with ever increasing intensity. I don't know how long I sat there or how I eventually got home.

I was stunned speechless when I heard Claire had died. I honestly didn’t know what to feel, I was just numb. My cheerful, sweet friend was gone forever. I would never see her bright smile again.

I looked at her last text to me, a sweet message I hadn’t replied too as I was in a meeting. She’d passed away a couple of hours later.

I couldn’t get any news of the funeral arrangements; days went by and neither Claire nor Julie's phones were being picked up. When I went round to her place it was locked. When I went to her workplace to enquire about what was happening I was told she’d already been buried at the East London cemetery. Her boss told me she’d been buried as Cyril, her old name.

I was horrified, that would have been the last thing my friend wanted.

I cried that night, missing my friend and feeling terrible that I’d been unable to even say goodbye to her. Maybe it was my fault, I should have told her to be careful about her family, as a leopard can’t change its spots.

I morbidly wondered if Will might kill me too, for the first time I feared my brother.

Over the next few days I fell into a funk, I carried on as normal but inside there was a hole in my heart. I could be watching the telly and see something which would remind me of something Claire had done or said. I could be at work and a client would be shitty and I’d think of telling Claire to complain then I’d remember.

“She’s dead,’’ I would think.

I wasn’t familiar with death. My grandparents had passed away before my birth. My immediate family was still alive and I’d never experienced this pain. It was awful.

It was so unfair. Claire had so much to live for.

‘Why?’ I asked for the umpteenth time. Needless to say an answer wasn’t forthcoming.

For the first time in a while I went to an AA meeting. I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop. My lovely friend was gone and I couldn’t cope with it. The only coping mechanism I knew was the bottle and there were many occasions when I came close to turning back to my old friend.

I knew Claire would have been mad I'd fallen of the wagon because of her so I went back to AA. The meeting helped a bit as I realised I didn’t have to give in to my demons, I wasn’t weird for wanting to numb the pain. Like I've said it helped a bit but the gaping hole in my heart remained.

Getting my surgery didn’t seem half as important anymore. Who would I share my euphoria with now? She was the only one who'd known what I was going through. For some weeks I was just a robot, mechanically going through the motions but completely gutted inside.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

(c) 2016

Life goes on.

For me it did, despite the pain and acute sense of loss I felt after Claire’s death. I awoke some mornings thinking it was a dream, some horrible nightmare I’d wake up from. Unfortunately this nightmare was all too real. It seemed I was a glutton for punishment as I’d dial her number sometimes.

I’d reach her voicemail and listen to it. My heart would break all over again. After a while that stopped working and all I could do was take solace in my memories. For a while that is all I did. When I was at work, at home all I did was think of Claire and the horrible way she’d died.

I cared for nothing any more. I was just empty inside. Even Pete couldn’t reach me. I turned down every offer to hang out. Pete’s place was tainted by happy memories of Claire. I just wanted the pain to stop. My family was worried about me. Apparently I hardly smiled anymore.

“You’re so glum,” Mum told me.

I didn’t have the energy to dispute or justify it. I retreated into a shell. I was an actor in my own life, a mediocre one at that. It’s a wonder I didn’t get fired from my job because I was just cruising. Looking back now, it was clear my standards had dipped. I lacked that passion I’d once had. I didn’t give a damn at the time though. I switched off nearly everything around me, the things which had upset me before didn’t have any effect now. I was already damaged.

She gave me a hug.

I couldn’t even cry anymore. I was just so tired.

Months passed. I don’t remember too much of that time, maybe I’ve purposely blocked it off for the sake of mental health. I think I gained 10kg which wasn’t good. Mum’s way of dealing with it was making me tons of comfort food. I was just drifting, still disconsolate.

I know I did all the preps for my surgery, sent a couple of job applications out but I couldn’t have cared less. Nothing seemed real as I was disconnected with everything, a stranger in my own life with the exception of my grief which dogged me relentlessly until one day that summer. Jo, Rhys and were having a day out. I don’t recall how she’d dragged me out of bed and the house but she’d managed it and took us into town. After some shopping we’d made our way to Hyde Park.

It was surprisingly pleasant for some reason, looking across the Serpentine made me less sad. Jo wanted to show Rhys the fountains. We walked through the Italian gardens and my little nephew was amazed.

He grabbed my hand, “Auntie, look at how pretty they are!” Rhys declared.

I looked at him, then the fountains. I wondered at his childlike innocence which warmed my sad soul. I thought nothing was more beautiful than his happy face.

‘I don’t want to miss this kid growing up,’ I thought to myself.

I smiled for real for the first time in months.

“Yes they are my luv,” I replied.

I walked over to the edge of the fountain with him so he could get a closer look. Children love simple things, they find joy in the small things we take for granted. The world isn’t jaded for them. They have the capacity to melt even the coldest hearts. I found joy in Rhys happiness and for the first time in ages I didn’t feel haggard and disconsolate. I could feel life was worth living again. That was the day I began to live again.

This doesn’t mean I forgot Claire but the crushing sadness wasn’t as oppressive anymore. I started to exercise again. I reached out to Pete and Myra, two people who’d been friends to Claire too. They had never abandoned me and told me they’d been worried sick about me but I’d been in a world of my own. I remembered Myra trying to get through a few weeks back. She’d had tears in her eyes and I hadn’t cared. I wondered for the first time if I’d lost my sanity while I grieved. It seems like I’d turned into a complete stranger after Claire’s death but my therapist said it was normal, some people just handled extreme shock like that.

I was relieved but still a bit worried about my mental health. Still the fact that I could worry about my health was a positive.

By the time I went for my surgery I was beginning to recover. There was still a huge emptiness inside over Claire but I wasn’t as overwhelmed anymore. I actually looked forward to resolving something that had been a huge issue over my whole life.

Mum and Dad accompanied me to the hospital for the surgery. There were no tears from either of them,( me mum is one tough old bird you know).

Dad hugged me.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will go well lass,” he reassured me.

I smiled at him before pecking him on the cheek.

Mum also gave me a hug.

“I know you’re excited,” she told me.

I nodded, “Nervous too,” I replied.

I was just a bundle of nerves at that point

“You’ll be fine,” she said, clearly more confident than I was.

The next morning I was wheeled into the operating room. I was a bit scared, I mean who wouldn’t be but I knew I wasn’t going to chicken out at that stage. I really wanted to finish what I’d begun, months before, to be whole.

The surgery went well. I woke up hours after the deed had been done. Mum was sitting at my side reading a magazine.

She noticed me stirring and looked me in the eye,

“How are you feeling?”

“A bit wonky, it’s really sore,” I mumbled.

Mum took my hand and squeezed it.

“You’ll be fine, you heard the doctor,” she reassured me.

I gave her a wan smile.

“I am so proud of you my darling,” Mum continued, “when you started this I was certain you were making a terrible mistake. Now I see I was the one mistaken because ever since you were child I’d never really seen you happy but when you started this you came into your own. I’m so happy you’re the way you need to be now,” my mother told me.

I cried in her arms, very touched. She really got it. The surgery plus her words made my day.

You have to have experienced dysphoria to know what it felt like. It’s an oppressive weight on your soul, knowing you should be the opposite of what your body says, struggling to live a lie. Then trying to fix it so you can be the person you always wanted to be, while people stare and point and shake their heads, all the while wondering if you aren’t making a mistake. Then it’s done the end of the beginning and you’re free to start in a new direction.

I walked to the bar.

“Hello,” said the barman in a faint Irish brogue, “what can I get you?”

“Orange juice please. Make it plain,” I responded.

Going to soirees was annoying because of the quantities of alcohol freely available. Being an ex-alcoholic here wasn’t easy. Still it had been three years since I stopped drinking. I’d been through a lot and nearly fallen off the wagon more than once.

He nodded and got to work. Less than a minute later he had my drink.

“Thanks,” I said grabbing my drink and leaving him a tip.

I walked towards the melee in the centre of the room. I found an empty couch and draped myself on it before taking a sip of my juice, all the while scanning the room for anything interesting.

I saw Ellen, who waved at me. I gave her a little wave back.

Yeah that Ellen from my childhood, the very first person who’d seen who I really was. It was her doing that I was here, social butterfly that she was.

We’d reconnected shortly after my surgery.

Jo and I had gone shopping in Oxford St to celebrate my successful surgery. It had gone well, though it had been incredibly painful. I’d still do it in a heartbeat because nothing beats that feeling of looking at your reflection in the mirror and seeing the woman you’ve always felt you were. To say I was thrilled was the understatement of the century.

It was a relief and a joy to be physically a woman. I knew the minute I woke up I had done the right thing despite the tendrils of pain around my lower body. Having the right bits did wonders for my self-esteem. I know some people might say who cares when no one can see them but that didn’t matter because I could and didn’t have to feel uncomfortable with that part of my body again.

Being in high spirits I asked Jo to come shopping with me just for the hell of it. Rhys came along too and we hit the Regent Street. We’d just come out of Hamley’s the toyshop where we’d spent ages buying and looking at toys with Rhys.

(To be honest I think I wished I was a kid again around all those awesome toys, kids today have everything!)

Jo was just expressing this very opinion when a woman had barged right into us.

“‘Scuse me,” I said.

“Oh I’m so sorry,” she said, looking up with a concerned expression.

“Ellen?” I whispered, barely believing my eyes after being hit by a flash of recognition.

She cocked her head sideways like she’d always done, making me grin involuntarily.

“Charlie,” she murmured slowly, her eyes big while her mouth was huge ‘o’.

I nodded still smiling.

She looked me from top to bottom before throwing her arms around me.

“Wow!’’ Ellen remarked, “You look fantastic, I can’t believe you did it,wow!”

I shrugged.

“You have to tell me everything,” she continued, “can you imagine. I always wanted to look you up. In fact I went round to your old place but you’d moved,”

She hugged me again which was nice. She was happy to reconnect and wasn’t freaking out. How could she when she’d known who I really was before I did.

“We only moved a couple of streets away,”

Belatedly I remembered Jo, who was looking on with amusement.

“Ellen this is Jo, my sister in law and the little one is Rhys, my nephew,” I said.

“Jo this is my first friend Ellen,”

“Hi,” chirped Jo, “I have heard so much about you,” she said a smile on her face.

“It’s a pleasure. You have such a cute little boy. How is Wills?” Ellen asked.

Ellen promptly abandoned what she was doing and tagged along with us for another hour as we caught up on each other’s lives. She really wanted to hear about my transition, telling us she’d always felt I didn’t fit in as a boy and how she’d worried about me after they’d moved to Sunderland for her dad’s job.

I told her everything with Jo frequently chipping in too. As we talked I remembered why she’d been such a great friend to me. Ellen was quite empathetic, squeezing my hand through the hard parts especially about Claire when it threatened to overwhelm me.

I learnt about her life too, she’d gone to varsity and studied human resources before talking her way into a job at a headhunting firm. I mentioned my job and how I wanted out and she promised to help.

A couple of weeks later I had a new job.

Things were very different at my new agency. As far as I knew the rest of my colleagues didn't know who I had been and I intended to keep it that way for as long as possible.

It was strange and novel to be treated like any other woman by everyone for a change with all the attendant baggage that goes with it. Strange as it sounds it was liberating. I blossomed somewhat and did the best work of my career.

Some of the other girls took an interest in me and took me under their wing, giving me the low down on everyone around.

I made new friends like Sheryl Evans. She was a blonde with a sunny disposition and always saw the bright side of life. A bit like Claire if I’m honest and we just clicked. She wasn’t a replacement for her though as I missed Claire more than ever, now that I had the new start we'd dreamt of together. I wondered what she'd make of my life now. Especially seeing as I had chosen a significant other.

I'd met Tim at one of Ellen's events. He was gorgeous and I’d been interested from the minute he walked up and said,

“Hi, I’m Tim, could I get you a drink?”

“Hi,” I smiled, “I’m fine thanks,” I responded.

“Okay Ms I’m fine thanks could I chat with you,” he offered unfazed.

I couldn’t help laughing. He was all charm so I decided to see where this led.

We began talking and it was nice. He was a good listener and I found myself enjoying his company. He took my number at the end of the evening after monopolizing my time.

Ellen told me she hated me.

“Why, you’ve got so much going for you,” I replied.

“You’re gorgeous and you have inside information,” she smirked, “He made a beeline for you and you kept him there the rest of the evening.”

“I can’t help it,” I teased, making Ellen roll her eyes, “Besides I thought you and Cormac were all but married,”

Cormac was her boyfriend; they’d been together for four years now.

“I know but can you imagine how long it took for me to get him to look at me let alone say something,”

“Goodness, you’re jealous,” I joked, making Ellen laugh.

“Definitely,”

My brother and I still had a cold war going on. We hadn't spoken in ages even though he lived round the corner and Jo and Rhys were always at our home. It was like I didn't exist to him. I told myself I didn't care what he thought and went out of my way to avoid him usually missing the usual Sunday roast Mum made for the whole family.

I didn’t hate Wills per se, he is my brother and my only sibling but after what had happened with Claire I couldn’t help making connections. I decided I was just going to avoid confrontations with him wherever possible. I never got to hear what might have happened to make Logan kill my friend because he’d hanged himself a few days after Claire passed away.

I vaguely remember the police talking to me but I wasn’t in a state to remember what I said. Pete later told me both cases had been closed as a murder suicide. I know I felt terrible for Claire’s family and I shivered in fear of my own family ending up like that. I prayed that I never encountered hate like that which ultimately destroys everyone around it.

Apparently Claire’s mother had wanted to meet me but I told Mum I couldn’t, not after how they’d buried Claire. I couldn’t help but wonder if I they’d had anything to do with it. Burying her under a name she didn’t want was so vindictive. Thankfully my mother told the policewoman I wasn’t ready for this. I put it out of my mind and no one brought it up again.

However I couldn’t change my relationship with Wills so we carried on as before with me more wary of him.

I was mostly happy with my life. I was and felt quite attractive which did wonders for my confidence. I wasn't yet 25 and had my whole life ahead of me without the burden of gender dysphoria on my shoulder.

I didn't jump into bed with anyone after the surgery. After all I hadn't had it so I could sleep around. I have heard about some girls who go wild after the surgery bedding loads of guys so as to prove their femaleness or something. I wasn't one of them. I still lived with my parents after all and they were old fashioned. Wills had Jo had only moved in together after their wedding so I can imagine the look on my Mums face if I'd returned from the walk of shame.

I had told Mum about Tim after our second date. She didn’t freak out, (I don’t know why I expected her to).

“I have been wondering when you would start dating. I’ve been a bit worried about you,”

“Why, I always wanted to wait till the surgery,” I replied

“Honey ‘m your mother, I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone and even when you were a teenager you never seemed interested in dating. When I found out you were a girl it explained a lot but I’ve been worried still,”

I hugged her, thankful she was my mum.

To be continued

A prisoner in my own mind

Sydney Moya

© 2015

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artifact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter Two

Ashley didn’t remember falling asleep. He just awoke from what seemed to be a deep slumber. He remembered being told his body would be changed into a female so some alien could reproduce. He shuddered at the thought.

Jav was sitting in front of his desktop, taking seconds to read the pages it seemed.

“Good morning,” Jav said to him.

“How did you know I was awake?”

“I have an instinctive awareness of everything in this body particularly you. I don’t have a subconscious like you,” said Jav.

“What are you doing?” Ashley wondered.

“Finding a way to change your reproductive system and make it socially acceptable at the same time,” said Jav.

“Why did you pick me?”

“I didn’t, you did by touching my pod,”

“Can’t you bugger off to someone else?” Ashley asked.

“Really Ashley, accept what has happened, it’s no use moaning about what can’t be changed,” said Jav.

The next few days were odd for Ashley; it was like he was dreaming. Jav lived his life and he was nothing but an observer. He would have gone mad if it wasn’t for Jav secretly tweaking something thus preventing him from freaking out. It worked up to point.

“Honey you’ve got breasts,” said his mother when she spotted him taking off his shirt to place in the clothes hamper.

Ashley was mortified as a worried Lorna came over and looked at the budding nipples and the puffy chest. He was sure he would have blushed if it was possible. He hadn’t noticed any changes which proved Jav was playing with his mind as well as moving on with his plan.

As it was Jav turned red on his behalf.

“It’s nothing Mum,” he heard the usurper say.

“It most certainly is. How long has this been going on?” Lorna.

“I just woke up like that,” said Jav.

“Go change, I’m taking you to Dr Evans,” said Lorna.

“Mum,” said Jav.

“This is not a discussion young man,” said Lorna sternly.

Jav skulked up to his room and changed into a hoodie and jeans. Ashley was disgusted by how well he pretended to be him. His reaction was just what he’d have done too.

“Ashley,” he heard his mum call.

Jav hurried downstairs and joined Lorna in the kitchen. She locked the door and they got into the car. The drive to the surgery took 30 minutes and before Ashley knew it they were there.

Dr Evan’s examined Jav and took some blood samples. He then told them to return in two weeks while assuring both of them that it was probably gynecomastia which affected a percentage of teenage boys but usually resolved itself within months. He told them the blood samples were just to ensure there was nothing untoward happening.

Ashley should have been relieved but he knew Jav’s plan was working; he was going to be turned into a girl against his will. As they left the surgery he started yelling and shouting at Jav to let him out and to stop what he was doing. Jav’s response was to put him under.

Jav was a weird one. If he'd been human he'd be termed a sadist. He woke Ashley up as he was trying on a bra and panties. Looking in the mirror Ashley saw a body that looked different. His face had changed slightly, he looked prettier and those breasts looked like more than fried eggs now and as Jav put on the bra, they seemed to get bigger.

“I don’t own any bra’s,” was all a shocked Ashley could say.

“Yes I remedied that. I got this and another one yesterday. Nice, aren’t they?” Jav answered.

He showed him a memory of him walking into a Victoria’s Secret outlet as bold as brass and buying two Wonderbra’s. Jav had then went and bought some make-up, skirts, two tops and a summer dress and pair of heels all while dressed as a boy.

Jav turned around and admired the image in the mirror. Ashley noticed his bum was much bigger and his waist seemed smaller while his hips seemed to have expanded slightly. The bulge he was supposed to see in the tiny panties was non-existent.

“Yes I’ve been shrinking your meat and two veg. I’d rather do the whole thing overnight but I can’t afford to bring too much attention to this,” explained Jav.

Ashley wanted to yell out in frustration as he heard this but Jav had dampened his emotions it seemed. All he could feel was a sense of resignation as he watched Jav put some make-up on his face and dress in girl’s clothes.

The result surprised him, he looked incredible. Ashley looked at a pretty sixteen year old in a fetching summer dress.

If he thought he’d be embarrassed, that was nothing compared to how he felt when Lorna knocked on his door and walked in just as Jav was done. The look on his mother’s face was priceless. Her jaw was for all intents and purposes trying to scrape the floor. Ashley would have laughed if she wasn’t looking at him and he’d been control of his body.

“Ashley Morgan Smith, whatever are you doing?” Lorna shrieked.

Reagan, Ashley’s 14 year old little sister immediately ran out of her room to check what was going on.

The look on her face was an impeccable copy of their mothers.

Jav was as cool as a cucumber though.

“I’m getting dressed,” Jav answered.

“Those are girl’s clothes,” said Lorna.

“Yes they are,” said Jav.

“Don’t be cheeky,” said Lorna, rapidly becoming irritated.

“I’m not but you just barged into my room without my consent and are stating the obvious. Pointing that out isn’t cheeky. I’m dressed like this because I want to. I don’t want to live as a boy anymore. I’m not particularly happy being one and I don’t see the point of living my life depressed,” said Jav.

The expression on Lorna’s face immediately changed to one of concern.

“How long have you felt like this?” Lorna queried.

“Since I was four or five, I didn’t know what it was but by the time I was 12 I knew it was because I was a girl inside. I’ve tried to be a normal boy but its eating away at me. I can’t go on like this,” said Jav as a tear made its way down Ashley’s cheeks.

Lorna hugged her child as Jav cried

Ashley could have groaned.

“Have you been taking anything, pills of any sort?” Lorna asked

Jav shook his head.

“No,”

“Okay. We’re going to get through this,” murmured Lorna as she held her child.

Reagan just looked on, stunned at what she’d just heard. She didn’t believe what she was seeing. Her brother was just like any other boy in her opinion. She knew him too well.

‘Ashley a girl, no fucking way,’ she thought.

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

(c)2015-All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artifact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter 3

Ashley had never felt so powerless. He was literally trapped in his own mind, unable to control his body which was being run by an alien called Jav intent on turning his body female so that he could reproduce.

Jav’s sinister intentions were well underway. He had already succeeded in making Ashley’s body undergo a female puberty. He had also come out as transgender and had intimated to Ashley’s family that he was actually a girl and didn’t want to live as a boy. The coup de grace came a week after that day when they went back to the doctor for updates about Ashley’s breast development. Jav had insisted on going as a girl and Lorna had given in as it was obvious the teen was quite serious about presenting as a girl. Since coming out a week before Jav had spent every day dressed as a girl. She had Lorna and Matt (Ashley and Reagan’s parents) tentative support after another tear fest and a heart rending account of how miserable she’d been living as a boy. They were okay with her dressing as long she did it at home. They had made plans to see someone to figure out what was going on with her.

Dr Evan’s had more shocking news for Lorna and Ashley.

“The blood samples I took showed an elevated level of oestrogen, very unusual in a teenage boy. Upon further testing we found that Ashley has XX chromosomes,”

“Does that mean he is a girl?” Lorna queried

“Genetically that is a karotype associated with females but there are a few men with that chromosome combination. I’d like Ashley to undergo a scan so we can confirm what I’m thinking,”

Ashley was driven to a nearby hospital and had her abdomen scanned. The results were shocking. The specialists identified a fully formed but immature female reproductive system inside him. They examined Ashley again before giving the Smith’s the news.

“Ashley is female genetically, what appears to be a penis is largely an overgrown clitoris while the scrotum is a fused labia,” said Mr Musgrove, who seemed to be the head honcho.

“What are our options?”

“Well we can either, remove the female equipment and then give Ashley testosterone injections to complete male puberty or we can open her vaginal channel. If Ashley stays as a male he will be infertile but that won’t be the case as a female,” the specialist announced.

“What would you recommend?” Lorna asked.

“This is up to Ashley,” said Mr. Musgrove, ‘’but from what I can see this seems to be good news,” he said.

Jav smiled, “Yes I’d rather be female and I guess it explains why I feel the way I do,”

“Okay. Mrs. Smith are you okay with that?”

“Yes it’s just such a shock,” said Lorna with a shake of the head.

Jav squeezed her hand, “it’s okay Mum. This is what I want,”

Lorna looked into her child’s eyes and nodded.

“If you’re sure,” she said.

“Yeah I am, this is a dream come true,” Jav said softly.

Lorna hugged her child.

“I’ll schedule you for next week then. I’d like you to talk to a psychologist before though,” said Mr. Musgrove.

The rest of the Smith family was shocked by the news of what the doctors had found. Matt, Ashley’s father who was still reeling from the discovery of his child’s gender dysphoria was stupefied but once he read the doctor’s report and listened to what Lorna had to say he was less disturbed. His thinking was if Ashley actually had a female reproductive system then it made sense that he felt he was a girl. As such he found it more palatable now than before even though he was disappointed and felt a profound sense of loss though he hid it. He was going to miss having a son and a part of him wondered how he’d missed Ashley’s unhappiness. He’d had no idea what his kid had been going through nor did Lorna who felt terrible for missing her child’s misery. Even Reagan who’d had her doubts about the whole Ashley being transgendered thing couldn’t argue with medical facts. She’d been aloof from from her sibling ever since Jav came out but not now. When Lorna gave her the news she’d given her new sister a hug.

‘It’s a good thing I can’t feel this or I’d be puking,’ thought Ashley.

It was fair to say Reagan wasn’t her favourite person. He thought she was a very conceited know it all.

“Wow, so you’re a girl. Are you okay?” Reagan asked

“I feel great Reagan. It’s a dream come true,” Jav said in soft tone Ashley found sickening.

“You have honestly felt you should be a girl,” Reagan remarked

“Yes I have though I tried to deny it,” Jav answered, “so I acted like a typical boy. Being friends with Marco helped. I learnt what to do from being around him,” Jav explained.

Ashley was disgusted by the ease the lies rolled off Jav’s tongue.

“Are you going to tell Marco?” Reagan asked.

Marco and Ashley had been friends for close to eight years. They had the same interests and were in the same group of unassuming gamer boys who didn’t make ripples at school academically or socially. They were those instantly forgettable kids no one ever remembered at school. Reagan was one of those popular girls, you know the type- good looking,talented and hyper aware of it and made sure that everyone in the school knew this. Needless to say the pair of them weren’t close

“Yes I will,” Jav answered.

“When,”

“Right now,” said Jav.

This news gave Ashley hope. If anyone could see through Jav it was going to be Marco he thought before he realized that the fiend had access to all his memories.

‘Crap’ he thought.

“Are you sure about that?” Lorna asked.

“Yes. I’m not going to go into hiding Mum, the sooner I do this the better,” said Jav.

She went upstairs and called Marco.

“Can you come over?”

“Sure,” said Marco, “what’s up,”

“I have something to tell you,” said Jav.

“No problem,” said Marco.

Jav changed clothes and donned something boyish for the first time since he’d come out to his family. Whenever he’d gone out before he’d had to dress as a boy and he did that now to soften the blow for Ashley's friend who’d had no idea what was happening in his ‘friends’ life.

When Marco reached the Smith house, Lorna told him Ashley was upstairs.

“Mate,” said Marco in greeting after knocking on his friends’ door.

“Hey,” said Jav, “I’ve got something to tell you,”

“Yeah what,”

“I went to the doctors last week. Something’s wrong with me,”

Marco’s frowned, he looked worried.

“You don’t have cancer do you?”

Ashley smiled from his mental prison. Jav was exactly like a cancer and it made him feel better that his only friend could be so concerned.

“No. It’s not that bad,” Jav replied.

“Yeah so what is it?” Matt queried.

“I’m a girl,” said Jav slowly looking Marco in the eye.

Marco frowned.

“Huh,”

“The doctors found I have some girl stuff inside so I’m supposed to have surgery,” Jav explained.

“Shit," swore Marco.

"Yeah it was a shock," Jav agreed, "so I have to have an operation to sort it out. Not the shock obviously."

A wan smile made it to Marco's lips.

"How does that work? Are they going to take it out?” Marco queried.

“They can but if I do I won’t be able to have kids. I really want kids so I decided I might as well be a girl, they’ll fix me up and so I won’t have the boy bits anymore,” Jav replied.

“Man that sucks,” Marco replied.

‘Tell me about it’ Ashley muttered.

He wanted to tell his friend that it wasn’t him speaking but an imposter that had stolen his life. He knew he couldn’t though and he was resigned to being nothing but an observer in his own life. Any rage led to Jav putting him under for days. He decided being an observer was better than nothing.

“Totally…but I reckon it won’t be so bad. I mean half the world is female right,” said Jav trying to be upbeat.

Marco nodded, “As long as you’re okay with it,”

“I’ll have to be. Let’s hope I don’t turn into a clone of Megan Hopkins,” said Jav referring to the class bimbo.

That earned a chuckle from Marco.

“So when’s the surgery?”

“Next week,” said Jav, “some specialist's coming in from London to do it,” he said.

“So will you like boys now?”

“No way.. I’ll get a sperm donor when I want a baby or maybe my partner will carry the baby,” said Jav with some indignation.

Marco nodded taking a gulp, “I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. You’re a braver man than me,”

Both of them laughed at his gallows humour when it hit them what he’d just said. They spent the rest of the day playing with Ashley's gaming console. Jav had fooled yet another of the people in Ashley’s life.

The visit to the psychologist was a mere formality. Jav knew what to say and it wasn’t a surprise when the doctor said Jav had gender dysphoria which was explained by him being intersex. Surgery was seen as the best outcome and recommended.

Jav was wheeled in for the surgery some days later and it went well. He put Ashley under for the whole surgery and kept him like this for three weeks afterwards. The next time Ashley awoke was when Jav was drying his body after a bath. On seeing his naked reflection Ashley nearly passed out. In the mirror stood a complete stranger. There was no way that was him, from head to toe only a girl looked back at him. She had all the correct parts, her bosom seemed bigger than the last time he’d seen it. His bits where gone forever he realized with sadness and replaced with a feminine cleft. His hair was much longer than he’d ever had it as it went to the girl's shoulder blades and it was no longer blonde but auburn. His eyes seemed bigger and his face seemed rounder. The features were his only a lot more feminine

“Phase One is complete. Now I have to find a suitable partner to impregnate this body!”

“You can’t get me pregnant!” Ashley protested.

“I can and I will. I’ll just make this body more attractive and when I pick a suitable mate a pregnancy will follow shortly. Everything works perfectly and this body will have its first period tomorrow,”

Ashley was stunned into silence at the thought of being on the curse.

“This can’t be happening, it’s a dream,” he thought to himself over and over.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2015

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artifact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter four

Jav now set about embedding herself into Ashley’s life while her host was virtually catatonic.

That summer Jav stepped out as a girl and slowly developed into a young woman. She spent a lot of time with Marco Guildford, Ashley’s best bud who’d more or less accepted his friend’s forced transition in a far more mature way than most teens would have. His family had followed his lead and done the same. Their relationship remained unchanged, they were frequently at one another’s houses gaming, watching movies or just chilling. Their mom’s had made new rules about them being upstairs together behind closed doors which both of them found slightly embarrassing as neither of them thought that way of each other. In Marco’s eyes Ashley was still his best mate and nothing more.

He’d visited her at the hospital and when she’d returned home watching as his friend’s appearance changed.

“You dyed your hair then,” he noted when he found her with long auburn hair, “it’s longer too,”

She looked quite different he thought with different hair. Seeing his pal in a skirt and top was weird enough but the hairstyle was another step towards womanhood. A part of him was worried his friend would change too much for him to understand. He guessed it was something Lorna had got Ashley to do like the doctors had insisted she wear a skirt or dress for medical reasons.

“Yeah Mum thought it’d make a change. She thinks girls should have long hair and I dyed it so I don’t look like Reagan. It also reduces the likelihood of me becoming a bimbo,” Jav said with a grin.

Marco smiled, it was jokes like these that made him realise Ash hadn’t changed inside.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Weird it is strange being like this and having to sit to pee now. I’ll miss that and wearing a bra sucks,” Jav said.

He looked at her fascinated. He didn’t think he could have coped with the change which made him think Ashley may have been more open to it than he was

“I can imagine,” he said thoughtfully looking worried.

“Don’t worry I can handle it. It’s not like I was wonderful at being a guy so this will be a new experience,” said Jav freely.

“You were okay,” said Marco, “even if you were a girl underneath,” he pointed out.

Jav snorted, “Yeah right,”

“Serious. You weren’t half bad. Being a guy isn’t about being great at sports or being macho you know,” Marco answered.

In the Smith household things were changing subtly. It had taken Jav’s first period to jar Laura out of the shock that had gripped her since the issue of her oldest child’s gender had suddenly emerged. Helping her child out during her first period had brought home the reality of her oldest child’s femaleness in a way even the surgery and the aftercare hadn’t and she’d been forced to adjust her worldview accordingly as it was such a quintessentially female thing. She remembered what a stressful event her first time had been and imagined how much of a shock it must be to someone who hadn’t grown up expecting it. She vowed to do the best she could for Ashley. She’d informed her extended family about the change of circumstances while beginning to get her child new clothes as well as cosmetics. Jav’s pocket money increased while her ability to go out as before was curtailed.

Lorna reassigned the household chores so that both girls took turns helping with the cooking, cleaning and washing up. Ashley’s outside chores were given to Matt while she was recovering from the surgery but never returned. There was still a gap between Lorna and Jav stemming from the nature of their personalities and the fact that Lorna was subconsciously mourning the son who’d disappeared so abruptly. She was fighting to build their relationship though and some progress was being made as Lorna did care for her kids just like any mother.

Matt was surprised that his new daughter’s personality hadn’t changed. She still showed an interest in the car he was rebuilding and was still helping him out with it. They still chatted about their favourite football clubs prospects and were still close. Matt didn’t have to change much in their relationship except in learning not to say ‘son’ as often as he did or to use the wrong pronouns when referring to his child. Whenever he did this there’d be an awkward silence between the pair and he was trying to lessen his mistakes. It had been a shock to lose his son but he didn’t want to push Ashley away as Jav’s personality gave him hope that his child was still the same person deep down.

It was Reagan who couldn’t get her head around her new sister. She watched as Jav effortlessly became more feminine. She was amazed at how good she’d become at makeup and the wardrobe she developed in the weeks after her surgery. A big part of her had been thinking Ashley would be tom-boyish and clueless yet within a week of the surgery her sister was perfecting a look that could go straight into 17. Ashley only seemed tom-boyish around Matt and Marco, around Reagan and Lorna she was quite feminine which truth be told annoyed Reagan. She’d picked out a lot of nice clothes and had got hair extensions before dyeing her hair auburn. Reagan had no idea how she’d mastered makeup like a pro in such a short space of time. This new sister of hers was a complete stranger to her; Ashley was supposed to be a nerdy, scruffy boy with an obsession with football, PlayStation and cars. Strangely around her father and Marco that was exactly who she was, the brother of old. With their mum, Ashley seemed to be the naïve yet self-assured young woman and Lorna ate it up. It seemed like Reagan was the only one who could see that the beauty who’d been her brother didn’t seem to need any help from the house’s most experienced teen girl. Jav kept to herself and Reagan after her initial show of concern at her sibling’s predicament had reverted to type, basically ignoring her sibling or trying to as she failed miserably. The house was monopolised by Marco and Ashley as Reagan didn’t want to bring her friends into such a weird situation. She didn’t care to explain to her chums the changes in Ashley’s life.

She didn’t want to see it as envy, for the new girl was lovely without makeup or in jeans. She was slender and 3 inches taller than her at 5’8 with long legs that went on forever. Her breasts were now a B cup and were still growing and she was already comfortable with showing them off. They’d been down to London with their mum for some shopping and she’d seen the attention Ashley got from men and it was made her a bit cross, as it was far more than she got and things weren’t supposed to be like that. She had grown up being the only girl in the family and a good looking one at that. How could her brother turn into a beautiful girl who it seemed was well on her way to upending her?

Nana, Matt’s mum and the girls’ gran wasn’t one to notice the idiosyncrasies of her granddaughter. Ashley was still the sweet kid she’d known for 16 years and once the medical stuff was explained to her she happily accepted that her grandson was now her granddaughter and continued to spoil her.

The rest of the community wasn’t too bothered as the Smith’s hardly interacted with them. They lived in a dormitory town and Matt commuted to an industrial park 20 miles away. Lorna was a financial planner who worked from home and went into her firms London office twice a week. Ashley had just taken her GCSE’s and wasn’t intending on returning to her old school, a mixed private school. Reagan went to a different school and never brought her friends over so Ashley’s change wasn’t too widespread. Her friends’ houses were across town while in their suburb the Guildford’s were their only family friends. They had new neighbours who’d arrived at the beginning of summer and Ashley didn’t have any other friends besides Marco so this meant there was hardly any gossip.

Jav found this quaint civilisation fascinating. This race was still quite simple with only a basic understanding of basic mathematics. They seemed preoccupied with social hierarchies and from what she could see just fulfilling their basic needs. They had potential she acknowledged. She’d been studying her hosts brain and it was quite complex though underused. Humans clearly didn’t have the knowledge of how to maximise their brains. It seemed they were too busy surviving to discover this. She’d already begun tweaking her host’s brain firstly increasing the neuron activity in certain parts of the brain. This enabled her to make Ashley telepathic which was a useful skill humans seemed deficient in. She made sure to hide it from everyone she didn’t want her abilities discovered. Human’s it seemed were not very of anything different and would quickly destroy her despite her superior intelligence.

Her host wasn’t a worry though. Humans seemed very set in their binary gender system and society seemed to favour males like her host had been and didn’t tolerate switching. The shock of losing control of his body and then having his body made female was too much of a shock. Ashley was in a state of distress and perpetual shock at what he’d done. Jav felt sorry for him which was weird, she’d never realised hosts felt so strongly. Where she came from hosts were specifically bred for her race to use and didn’t have a sense of independence, their sole reason of existence was to serve the Ghjy ukkhis’dngvrytjgn. They didn’t have any other feelings to worry about. Human’s had strong emotions. Their lives revolved around themselves and Ashley felt robbed of his body and his life and Jav felt this keenly though she had no use for human morals.

Dealing with Ashley’s family and discovered that humans had very strong filial bonds that exceeded anything he’d seen judging from Ashley’s feelings about his family. This seemed typical of most humans as he observed the Guildford’s and watched the human’s entertainment.

They had a statutory maturity and Jav knew though that while Ashley could leave school, his parents expected her to go to university. Jav knew that her prospects for successful infiltration of this race depended on her not standing out too much so she was going to carry on with Ashley’s schooling. Chances of finding a mate also increased at school it seemed.

August came around and with it Ashley’s GCSE’s. Ashley had done fairly well with a mix of A*’s, A’s and B’s (mostly B’s). Her parents seemed fairly happy with the results and they sat down with her to discuss which school she was going to attend.

“I don’t want to go back to Whitemount,” said Jav carefully.

“I hope you’re not moving to St. David’s,” said Reagan from the other said of the room.

“She will go where she pleases Reagan,” said Lorna curtly.

“I don’t want to go to St. David’s mum,” said Jav, “I might end up with an attitude problem,” she said sotto voce making both her parents smile and Reagan frown.

“A sixth form college perhaps?” Matt said, “You’d be treated like a varsity student,” he added.

Ashley nodded, “I want to try the Rydings School. I want to get into Cambridge and they have excellent results in Further Maths, Physics and Biology and Chemistry.

The entire family looked askance at her. Ashley was the last person they’d expect such a difficult combination. She was just someone who coasted through school.

“Well this is a surprise,” said Matt.

“I know I was really preoccupied with everything. I wasn’t in a good place,” said Jav softly.

Lorna squeezed her hand.

“That makes sense but Math’s isn’t your strongest subject, how will you cope with Further Math’s,” asked Matt.

As an engineer he was a bit of a math boffin and he’d struggled getting his older child interested in the subject. Reagan showed a natural ability Ashley didn’t share. As it was he was quite pleased she’d obtained a B grade at GCSE.

Jav stood and retrieved one of her dad’s math texts from his university days.

“I’ve been studying. Pick a couple of questions you think a sixth former might struggle with,” she suggested.

Matt paged through the book and gave her the textbook pointing out which questions he wanted answered. He’d picked out some fairly difficult ones in the hope of proving his point and encouraging his child to do something more suited to her abilities. Jav had other ideas though. She breezed through the three questions giving perfect answers much to Matt’s surprise.

“How did you do that?”

“I’ve been reading those books since I was 13. The math’s at school is so dull I quickly lost interest in it. I can do it dad you just need to believe in me,” said Jav with a smile.

“Who are you and what have done with my child?” Matt said his face a mask.

A bolt of fear struck the imposter as she eyed Matt’s stern expression.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2015

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artefact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter 5

“Matt,” said Lorna, “stop being silly.”

Matt grinned and Jav realised he’d been joking.

“I have to admit being surprised but it’s a pleasant surprise,” he smiled at his daughter.

“You’ll have to keep on working hard luv,” advised Lorna.

“I will,” said Jav cheerily.

That set the stage for Jav to visit the ridiculously elitist Rydings School for an interview. Jav knew that her chances of succeeding based on her marks alone were not high. She'd also read enough to know humans had irrational prejudices against those humans with gender confusion. Consequently she’d prepared for this eventuality. She brought Matt with her to assist her as he was a computer engineer and was well respected in his field as well as being a supportive father. Jav had also decided to use her telepathic abilities on the Head if need be.

The Head, Mr Lyle was looking through her grades and old report books.

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I am somebody who wants to make a difference. I love challenges and gaining knowledge,” Jav replied.

“Miss Smith, you are not a bad pupil but nothing in your reports indicates you have the ability to cope let alone excel in the subjects you want to pursue,” said Mr Lyle.

“That is correct sir. However I was dealing with a number of problems chief among them the fact that I was experiencing gender dysphoria and wasn’t able to fully concentrate on my school work,” she answered.

What Mr Lyle didn’t know was Jav was manipulating his mind to make him more open to letting her attend the school. She’d already succeeded in making him allow Matt to sit in on the interview and she was working on getting him to offer her a place.

“I see. Where do you see yourself in ten years?” Mr Lyle asked not realising that Jav was making him ask the question.

“I will be working at the cutting edge of science,” said Jav confidently.

“You are ambitious and know what you want which is refreshing in a student. I think I may be able to offer you a provisional place subject to your performance this term,”

Jav knew that was as far as he could go. What counted was that she had a foot in the door, the rest would be child’s play.

“I accept. Thank you sir,” she replied.

“Work hard and I’m sure you will be a credit to this school and yourself Ashley,” he said with a smile.

They left the school with a spring in their step. Matt was rather impressed with his child's new found confidence. It was a revelation as Ashley hadn't done things like this as well. Jav seemed to handle them with typical aplomb.

Maybe having to be a boy had hindered her a lot more than he'd realised he thought sadly.

After gaining admission to the school, Jav and Lorna had to go shopping for the schools sixth form uniform which consisted of a navy blue skirt and a plain white blouse and school tie, stockings, black court shoes, straw hat, jungle hat, navy ladies trousers for winter and cold days, the school anorak as well the girls’ sports kit, school tracksuit, school anorak, school bag and the schools striped blazer. Lorna had also decided her girl needed underwear for school as the one’s Jav had were inadequate and fast becoming too small as her cleavage was still growing.

When they got home Lorna had told her to try out her uniform so Matt could see what they’d bought.

After a bit of complaining Jav went upstairs and changed into the uniform.

“You look very scholarly,” said Matt warmly, eyeing his daughter.

Jav smiled sheepishly before hurrying back to her room to change into her everyday clothes.

“Do you feel old now?” Matt asked his wife as they watched their oldest child leave the room in her new school uniform.

“Unbearably, I can’t believe Ashley’s going to the sixth form now. It seems yesterday that I was getting my GCSE’s,” admitted Lorna.

Matt nodded, “I know. It feels like yesterday that I was bringing you both home,” he murmured.

Lorna kissed him on the cheek.

“I know I never would have guessed she’d be wearing the girl’s uniform at seventeen. How did we miss that?”

Her husband shook his head, “I don’t know but I’m glad she seems okay,” he murmured.

Ashley catatonic state didn’t last forever. He woke up a couple of days before the summer holidays ended during the start of the Smith’s annual vacation. Matt and Lorna had decided to take the kids to the scenic Amalfi coast that year.

He was gutted that he wouldn’t experience this holiday physically and he briefly wondered if he’d ever experience another holiday again a thought which threatened to send him spiralling into another bout of self-pity. It was here that his mental strength came through. He decided that his depressions were depriving him of seeing what Jav was doing to his life. He had to stay alert.

“What for,” Jav asked, intruding on his thoughts

“So that I can get my body back,” said Ashley defiantly.

“You are rather silly Ashley. As your sister says, ‘dream on,” Jav said.

“I intend to,” returned Ashley in anger, “why don’t you kill me and be done with it?”

Jav didn’t answer him.

“I can let you stay awake during this trip so long as you don’t start yelling and screaming,” Jav announced.

Ashley was about to hit back and argue what gave Jav the right to do that and boss him around when he realised that this was a chance to at the very least get to see Italy.

“Alright,” he agreed.

Jav nodded than began changing her clothes to get ready for the boat trip Ashley’s father was taking them on. She was more than eager to try out another of these creatures’ antiquated contraptions. The aeroplane they’d flown to Italy was another, a surprisingly crude invention that had made these beings shrink their planet. The anthropologists in her race would consider this planet the find of the ages. She was pretty sure they had never encountered such a primitive race yet one that was advancing so quickly. She wondered what had happened to the race she’d found here when she’d arrived eons ago. It seemed that the humans thought they were the only beings to reach this stage of development in their evolution on this planet. A majority of them foolishly believed they were alone in the universe. There was no trace of the group she’d encountered on her arrival. She’d gone dormant after trying and failing to enter a number of them thanks to their neural defences. They hadn’t even realised she’d tried anything and she’d decided to bide her time by sending her pod underground.

Ashley looked forward to the boat trip until he saw what Jav had done to his body. Looking at the mirror he saw someone who wouldn’t look out of place on a catwalk. In the white halter top paired with a denim look pleated shorts and striped blazer accented with nude ankle strapped heels, a pair of sunglasses Jav looked every bit the fashionista.

Jav looked stunning in the outfit and this was confirmed by the sour look on Reagan’s face when the girls met in their parents adjoining room. Ashley thought it was almost worth losing his body to see his sister green with envy. In Ashley’s eyes his sister had always been his parents favourite. She was the one with perfect grades and was excellent at manipulating Matt and Lorna or so it seemed to him. It was almost refreshing to see the tables turned.

“Aren’t you a bit overdressed?” Reagan asked.

“No, I think this outfit is just right,”

Reagan eyed her with a death stare but held her tongue.

Still the boat trip turned out to be rather pleasant despite the leers Jav received from some of the males on board.

This was nothing compared to what happened the next few days as Jav and the other members of the family continued with their holiday with sunbathing on the beach along with the ignominy Ashley felt as Jav flaunted his body in a bikini, eating fish in the bay at the Conca dei Marini.

Ashley wished it was him who could have experienced the classic car trip in a Ferrari with Matt instead of Jav. Instead he had to watch as Jav accompanied his mum and Reagan on a shopping trip for clothes. He also had to live with watching Jav get chatted up by boys that he instantly disliked on principle. His dislike of them grew the more he heard them speak, they seemed as conceited as some of the boys that were popular at his old school and seemed to have only one goal in mind which was to bed a girl.

Ashley also noticed that the family dynamics had realigned during that trip. He knew his sister well enough to know that Jav was clearly pissing her off with how she looked and behaved and the attention she was getting from Lorna and Matt, not to mention the waiters.

It all came to head after the gelato making class that Lorna had insisted they take when Jav outshone her by making the perfect gelato and earning all round praise from the teacher and a cute American boy named Tony who was infatuated with Jav while ignoring Reagan.

They’d met at their hotels pool on their second day there and he’d immediately started chasing Jav leaving Ashley worried that Jav would have sex with him.

‘He isn’t what I have in mind for a mate so not yet,” Jav had told him.

Ashley breathed a sigh of relief.

That didn’t stop her from flirting with him and wrapping him around her little finger much to Reagan’s chagrin. She’d watched while her sister made him her devoted slave while consigning her to annoying little sister status.

They were on their way back to the hotel in the hotel’s courtesy bus where Reagan contrived to sit next to Tony which meant Jav had to go sit near the front.

“You do know Ashley’s not a real girl right?” Reagan suddenly whispered as she looked at Tony.

He laughed, “Sure she is. You’re really funny,” he smiled.

“I’m serious. Ashley was born a boy. She’s only been a girl for two months,” Reagan returned.

“You’re kidding,” Tony returned.

“No look,” she replied before showing him her phone where there were some older snaps of Ashley.

Tony was shocked.

“How,”

“She had a sex change,” she murmured.

As she said this a part of her felt ashamed of what she’d just done.

Tony spent the rest of the journey glaring at the window. When they reached the hotel he hurried away to his room ignoring a smiling Jav.

“Hmm strange,” Jav thought.

Ashley chuckled, ‘Nah wasn’t he sitting with Reagan. I bet she told him about the sex-change,”

“Why would she do that?”

“Coz she’s jealous. In case you haven’t noticed Tony’s been watching you at her expense. Reagan is used to getting what she wants and you’re upsetting things,” Ashley returned.

“Oh no matter if she likes him so much she can have him,” Jav muttered.

“Yeah that’s what I tend to do where Reagan is concerned,” Ashley agreed.

Tony however wasn’t so easily appeased. He’d gone to his room and checked the internet for Ashley and his research had found his Facebook page. Jav hadn’t closed the page yet and it still had the same pictures and information. Crucially Matt and Lorna were present on his wall which nailed it as far as he was concerned.

The Smith’s had gone downstairs for dinner and Toby and his family who’d actually been keen on them had looked at them funny before taking a table further down the room.

“I wonder what the matter is, Fred said we’d have dinner with him,” Matt wondered referring to Tony’s father and worried at their queer behaviour.

“Yes I remember Marsha saying so,” Lorna added. Marsha was Tony’s mum.

Jav looked at Reagan and winked, “I think its cause I told Tony I wasn’t always like this,” she said quietly.

Reagan’s mouth fell open.

“Oh honey,” Lorna murmured.

“Why would you do that?” Matt asked.

“He was coming on to me and I don’t think I’m into boys like that,” said Jav softly.

“You like girls,” Lorna asked.

Ashley could have frowned if it was possible.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Pulling the rug from under Reagan,’ Jav answered mentally.

“I don’t know, I don’t think so. I’m not sure yet but I wanted to get rid of him and I kind of guessed he’d be the type to be bothered by it,” Jav said.

Lorna squeezed her hand.

“Bigot,” said Matt angrily though he was slightly relieved Ashley wasn’t boy crazy and didn’t know which way she swung yet.

“I think we need to teach you how to deal with boys. You can’t always tell them about your past or they might turn violent,” said Lorna slowly.

“Yeah but take your time deciding what you want and don’t rush into anything,” Matt advised.

Jav nodded and smiled, “I need all the help I can get,” she said sweetly.

‘That bitch!’ Ashley heard in Reagan’s voice.

He was momentarily confused. Reagan hadn’t spoken and their parents didn't seem to have heard her swearing or they wouldn't eating their dinner so calmly.

“You’re hearing her thoughts,’’ Jav answered.

“You can read minds,” said Ashley staggered.

“Yeah but it’s a trade secret,” Jav replied.

The next day was spent lounging by the pool in a bikini with Lorna while Matt and Reagan visited an old convent together. Mother and daughter just spent the morning chatting about their trip and life in general. Ashley realised with a bit of sadness that Jav was developing a better relationship with his mum than he had.

“Do you mind refilling my glass as well honey,” Lorna requested when Jav stood up to go refill her glass.

“No problem,” Jav agreed standing up.

She wrapped a sarong around her waist to protect her modesty before she walked to the bar. The bar staff gladly refilled her glasses. Tony crossed her path as she walked back.

“Get out of my way you faggot,” he said upon meeting her.

“Excuse me?” Jav responded.

“You heard me you pervert. I know you’re a man,” Tony remarked.

Jav promptly threw the contents of her glasses on his face leaving Tony enraged.

“Why you little…,” he angrily said before lunging towards her.

Jav sidestepped out of the way, leaving her foot out for him to trip on and fall headlong into the pool. The people nearby clapped while a waiter came and gave her fresh glasses.

‘That was so cool,’ Ashley said as they walked back.

‘I saw it on the television,’ admitted Jav making Ashley laugh for the first time in weeks.

Lorna though was completely oblivious to what had just happened as she was engrossed in her paperback and on the far side of the pool.

“Thanks,” she said as she accepted the drink.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2015

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artefact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter 6

“Have a nice day sweetie,” said Lorna before kissing her new daughter on the cheek.

“Thanks Mum,” said Jav with a nervous smile.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be alright, the other kids won’t eat you,”

“Easy for you to say,” the teen murmured, “you didn’t go from boy to girl over the summer,” Jav joked.

Lorna laughed and gave her baby a hug.

“You’ll be okay, now off with you,” she advised.

It was a nervous Jav who stood in front of her new school after being dropped off by Lorna.

‘Why did you have to choose this pretentious school?’ Ashley asked.

‘It guarantees entry into Cambridge dunnit,’ Jav replied before walking into the school.

‘How did you get it in anyway and what are you taking?’

Ashley had been under at the time and didn’t see the interview.

“Why did I ask?’ he murmured when he saw Jav reading the Head’s mind. He was startled at Jav’s choices though, ‘Further Maths, are you effing mad?’

“It’s not like I can wake up and start revolutionising your sciences without a background can I? Don’t you worry about that though,” said Jav confidently before walking into the school.

She headed towards the Hall as they’d been told to do during orientation a couple of days before. Being as attractive as she was it immediately brought a lot of stares from both sexes, a mixture of lust and envy. Jav wished Marco was here but unfortunately he’d gone back to Whitemount as his parents considered it an excellent school.

The assembly was long and boring in Ashley’s eyes but Jav didn’t mind and she lapped up the information the Head gave. When it was over they headed to their class teacher for registration which lasted for one period. Lessons commenced immediately after that.

The first class was a Physics lesson taught by a Mr Hemming. He didn’t’ teach anything but just gave an overview of what they’d be covering during the coming school year. The other lessons were the same except for Further Math’s where one boy asked her if she was lost.

“This is Further Maths right?” Jav asked.

“Yes it is,” he answered

“Great,” Jav replied before looking around for a seat.

The other kids stared at her. It was then that Jav realised the other six in her class were all male. She decided to use her telepathic abilities for the first time that day just for fun you see.

Being able to read minds was an interesting power to have at that moment, as nearly all the boys thought she looked great. A couple of them wondered what on earth she was doing here as girls weren’t into Further Maths. One actually thought she shouldn’t even be in the classroom. The rest thought she was hot but one’s thoughts caught her attention.

‘I wish I looked like that,’ he thought.

Jav looked straight at him and smiled. She walked over and asked to sit.

“Um sure,” said the boy, who looked amazed.

Ashley immediately piped up, ‘I don’t like you reading people’s minds. It’s like you’re stealing something,’ he said feeling sorry for him as Jav trawled through his surface thoughts.

Jav ignored him but noted that Ashley sympathised with this transgendered kid.

She offered her hand, “I’m Ashley Smith,” she said with her winning smile.

“Lesley Marshall,’ offered the young man who was anything but, “It’s a pleasure,”

“Thank you,” said Jav happily.

Their teacher walked in a second later and the lesson commenced. He stared at her for a second.

‘A girl at last,’ he thought happily much to Jav's surprise.

It had been 5 years since he’d taught a girl in this class and it wasn’t for want of trying. Girls didn’t seem too interested in Further Maths it seemed.

He introduced himself as Mr Mitchell then asked the rest of the class to do the same before he launched into an outline of what they’d cover in their two years here. He talked about Mathematics and as he talked even Ashley was won over by the man’s passion. He loved the subject and it was contagious.

He asked each of them what they wanted to do after school and all of them responded with interesting ideas.

Jav announced that she wanted to find out if there was intelligent life in the universe which to her surprise wasn’t greeted with laughter or doubts but with people nodding their heads. She realised that not all humans were sheep, at least all the time and she was left with a lot to think about.

The rest of the day passed quite quickly. Jav stuck to Lesley for the rest of the day. He showed her around and told her about his life. He was 16, one of three kids, with one older brother and a younger sister. His mother and father were barristers. He liked gaming and reading and was fascinated by Mathematics and wanted to enter the Math’s Olympiad. Of course he didn’t tell her he ached to be a girl and that he had no real friends and was in a lot of pain about it. Lesley also wasn’t attracted to her, he just thought that it was nice to have someone to talk to and wondered if it he’d ever look half as good as she did. Jav simply scanned his mind and saw it. She felt sorry for him and realised how bad it must be to be trapped in a body you didn’t want. It was a good thing Ashley couldn’t read her thoughts because she realised that humans took their gender very seriously.

The school day ended with a trip to the PE department so she could sign up for the sporting activity she was required to participate in. All pupils at their school were expected to take part in at least one sporting activity and one social club as well. Jav signed up for hockey as she knew Ashley had played it and had the stuff at home. Lesley chose two clubs to ensure he didn’t have to do a sport as he hated them with a passion. He wasn’t nearly as big as the other boys and was uncoordinated and didn’t want to develop muscles either though she didn’t tell this to Jav.

When they done they headed to the carpark where she said her goodbyes to him and went to her mother’s car where Reagan was already seated looking bored. This was rectified by the arrival of a text and her countenance changed instantly.

‘Don’t make me like that,’ Ashley warned.

Jav ignored him.

“Hi Mum, hi sis,” she said after flouncing into the car.

‘Hi honey,” said Lorna.

“Hey,” said Reagan as she texted furiously on her mobile.

“How was your day?” Lorna asked.

“It was ok,”

“Did you make any friends?”

“Yeah I made one. His name’s Lesley,”

“A boy,” said Lorna, her expression quizzical.

Jav nodded, “None of the girls talked to me,” she said, “and there aren’t any in my Further Maths class,”

“I bet their talking about you,” muttered Reagan.

"Why?" Jav asked.

"Coz you're the new girl," said Reagan, "you might be a threat," she added.

"Me a threat, no way," said Jav slowly.

"You have a lot to learn," said Reagan without looking up from her phone.

She didn't bother to elaborate.

“You’re the only girl in Further Maths?” Lorna asked

Jav nodded, “There are only seven of us any way. I have hockey practice tomorrow so we’ll see,”

On arriving home Jav had done her schoolwork before changing into her football shirt and jeans and heading over to Marco's so they could do some gaming.

"How come you never showed at school today?" Marco asked.

"I changed schools. I go to Rydings now," she explained.

"Serious?" Marco asked his eyes wide.

Jav nodded, "Yeah I couldn't go back to Whitemount as a girl could I?"

"Oh, I guess you're right but you should have said," said Marco.

He sometimes forgot his best friend wasn't a boy anymore as her personality was still the same and nothing had changed between them. Ashley still acted the same and liked the same things aside from sometimes wearing skirts and dresses, she was essentially unchanged.

"You never asked," said Jav, shrugging.

"So what are you taking?" Marco asked.

"Further Math's, Physics, Biology and Chemistry," said Jav.

“What!" Marco exclaimed, stunned.

"NO WAY!"

Jav smiled sweetly, "Hey I have to be serious with life now that I'm a girl you know. Life's harder for us," she joked.

Marco shook his head, "I can’t believe you’re doing Further Math’s and at Rydings too!” he exclaimed.

Jav shrugged, she hadn’t really specified what she’d be doing for her ‘A’ levels or shared her ambitions for the future.

"Better believe it boyo," she remarked, “It isn’t too bad,” she added at the disbelieving look on her pals face.

“Mate you’re the one who told me you couldn’t wait to finish your GCSE’S so you could never do another quadratic equation again. You said it was mental torture! What other secrets are you hiding?”

“I’m an alien who took over your friend’s body and turned him into a girl,” said Jav with a serious face.

Marco burst out laughing, “You’re the worst,’’ he added, shaking his friend at his friends joke.

Ashley groaned from his mental prison.

‘You humans are so strange,’ Jav told Ashley, ‘I tell him the truth and he laughs. Just like your dad asking what I’d done with you. I find your sense of humour fascinating,’

“So how is your posh school?” Marco asked as he signed into the PlayStation network so they could continue their quest.

“Very posh daahling..caan’t you tell from my accent,” said Jav.

“Geroff,” said Marco, rolling his eyes, “I’m serious,” he added.

“S’okay, so far,” Jav asked.

“Any cute chicks?”

“Some,” said Jav as if considering it.

In truth she’d already ranked herself against the girls she’d seen at her new school and found most of them wanting. A part of her wondered if Marco found her cute.

‘Eew!’ Ashley said.

“Hook me up,” teased Marco.

Jav snorted, “They are a bunch of stuck-up toffs. They make Reagan seem adorable,”

Marco looked at his friend questioningly but she didn’t care to elaborate.

They played their game getting into it as before and Mrs Guildford had to remind them to keep the noise down as they yelled and cheered.

She shook her head and thought, ‘Boys will be boys,’ before shaking her head as she recalled Ashley wasn’t a boy anymore. In fact she was quite a lovely young woman even though she never dressed like one when she visited.

Reagan was still fuming over how Jav had outwitted her in Italy. She felt threatened by her sibling for the first time in a long time. Jav was a lovely girl and she seemed to know it and show it off for the best effect.

She had their parents wrapped around her little fingers and seemed well-adjusted. She’d made being a girl a walk in the park. It seemed Ashley was also incredibly brainy, taking Further Maths at A’ Level was something she wouldn’t have expected Ashley to do but Rydings had given her place and that was a school to write home about. Who would have thought it?

What worried her most was that Ashley seemed to have rumbled her in Italy, how on earth had she known she’d outed her to that American?

That wink proved it, was she going to tell their parents? She hadn’t said a thing about it since then though. They hardly talked anyway and when they did Ashley had been quite nice and polite but she was worried what all this meant. Deep down she loved Ashley but they’d never been close save for a short time as when they were very young. He’d been a very gentle child which is why he had so few friends as this wasn’t a characteristic suited to the rough and tumble of the world of boys. Reagan had been made of sterner stuff though and quickly learnt how to navigate the world to her advantage. Everything in her life was managed including her hapless brother. This new sister of hers was something else though. Ashley’s old persona seemed to be still inside but there was something different about her, gender change excluded. That wink, the dressing, the ambitious schooling choices spoke of a different Ashley, one she didn’t know how to deal with.

She’d never envied Ashley for anything but now she did and she didn’t like it all. She sat on her bed wondering what to do about this.

To be continued

A prisoner in my own mind

Sydney Moya

© 2016

All rights reserved

Synopsis

Ashley touches an alien artifact one day and an alien invades his body with incredible results.

Chapter 7

An uneasy truce existed between Jav and Ashley. Ashley wanted his body back but knew it was impossible at the moment. So he watched what Jav was doing instead. Jav wouldn’t put him under anymore so long as he kept the peace.

Ashley realised what an impossible situation he was in. He had no way of dislodging the usurper from his body and he figured getting mad wasn’t going to help things. He decided that he would watch and wait and maybe he’d be able to wrest control back. Of course Jav knew exactly what he was thinking but felt so secure in his abilities that he didn’t bother worrying about Ashley ever regaining control.

Instead Jav focused on settling into human society, primarily at her new school and further developing the human brain that she’d stolen. She started working on her powers of telekinesis that same evening after getting home from Marco’s.

Ashley was flabbergasted when he saw Jav’s clothes float towards them as she prepared for bed.

He couldn’t help asking.

“How are you doing that?”

Jav showed him a series of symbols that were gibberish to Ashley.

“I don’t get it,” said Ashley.

“I suppose you wouldn’t,” Jav answered, “I have accelerated your neuron activity. By doing this your mind’s magnetic resonance is amplified and as a result I can pull objects towards or away from me.”

Ashley was suitably cowed by this and didn’t know what to say. He went to sleep quite disturbed.

Jav had earmarked Lesley as a friend and after discovering they were in the same classes she glued herself to him. This didn’t go unnoticed by some of the others students.

The next day at school a couple of girls approached her as she left her Further Maths lesson.

“Hi,” the taller of the two girls, a slinky blond began, “who is your new friend Lesley?”

“Hi Marie, Rachel,” replied Leslie, “this is Ashley,” he said.

“Hi,” Jav remarked smiling.

Jav scanned both girls, all she could see was curiosity about the new girl. Both of them wondered why she was hanging out with Leslie.

“So you’re new,” said the slinky blond known as Rachel.

“Yeah,” replied Jav.

"Where are you from?" Marie asked.

Marie was much darker and shorter but quite pretty too.

"I'm from Stepney," said Jav confidently.

"What are you taking?" Rachel queried.

"Further Maths, Physics, Biology and Chemistry," Jav answered.

The girls looked a bit impressed.

"Really why?" Rachel wondered.

"I want to be a scientist," said Jav slowly.

"But you're so pretty," Marie blurted out before covering her mouth with her hand.

Jav shrugged, "Thanks but are you saying being beautiful isn't compatible with being a scientist?"

Rachel took over, "No its just unusual, that's all. Welcome to Rydings," she said offering her hand.

"Thank you," said Jav warmly before turning to go for her next lesson.

"See you at lunch then," Marie offered.

"Sure,'' said Jav eyeing Lesley who nodded.

The two of them headed to their next class.

"Why are you hanging out with me anyway, that’s what they really want to know, you know," Lesley offered.

"I don't know, do you give your friends interviews for the job?" Jav responded.

Lesley looked wondering if she was taking the piss but her smiling eyes indicated otherwise.

He chuckled, "No it’s just that I'm a bit of a nerd and well you heard them, you don't look like one," he pointed out.

"Well don't judge a book by its cover, I'm a nerd too, and you're alright," Jav replied.

Hockey practice was interesting to say the least.

The girls trying out for the first time were asked to dribble a ball about some cones. Jav started off gingerly and there was a fair bit of giggling at her lacklustre efforts.

'One less hopeful then,' she heard the coach think, 'no basic skills.'

Jav had a bit of an ego however. The thought of being written off so easily wasn't particularly appealing. So she used Ashley's memories and fair bit of telekinesis to keep the ball glued to her stick as she navigated the cones, dramatically increasing her speed before she reached the middle of the cone forest.

Her return journey was quite impressive and the giggling had stopped replaced by low murmurs.

'It's like the balls glued to her stick,' one girl thought.

A five on five game followed. During the 5v5 game no one could get the ball off her. Whether it was Ashley's skills or Jav's telekinesis that made this possible was not easily discovered. Only the end result mattered, a three nil victory for Jav’s goal with her scoring a brace and setting up the other after a crucial interception.

A scan of the coaches mind revealed that she’d revised her team list with Jav’s name now featuring near the top.

Weeks passed by, Jav had made the 1st team in hockey. She was doing very well in school, averaging A*'s in all her classes. On the sports fields she was wreaking havoc with her insane hockey skills. Jav had mastered the use her powers and Ashley's skills in order not to look too extraordinary. However her team was unbeaten in its league thanks to those mad skills. She'd made a bunch of friends too; Leslie, Rachel and Marie were always by her side on most days. With the last two she learnt all the intricacies of girlhood she hadn't already picked up from the internet.

They were quite fascinating specimens of young humanity, just being around them gave Jav immense pleasure. They had the most absurd ideas about how to carry oneself in their little society but more often than not they turned out right. It made Jav think of his own youth eons ago.

Ashley found it all too boring, he couldn't stand it most of the time and he diverted himself by trying to figure out where he stood in his mind. It was nigh on impossible because Jav completely controlled everything. All he could do in essence was wait for a moment of weakness. He had no intention of giving up but he knew he couldn’t fight Jav and win. All he could do was watch and wait.

However even he could see that Lesley was troubled, it was patently clear to them that he wasn't happy being male, as they could hear his thoughts. Being around the girls was pushing him over the edge and he felt bad for him.

Just the other day he had wondered about ending everything.

"You have to help him," Ashley remarked.

"I thought you didn’t want me interfering or reading people's minds."

"I don't but when have you ever listened to me," Ashley pointed out.

Jav said nothing.

"Look we can't let him kill himself,"

"Survival of the fittest," Jav remarked.

"That's bull and you know it. You like Lesley once he dies that’s that. It would also look bad that he killed himself after you came into the picture. People will think you jilted him or something," said Ashley desperately.

"I suppose you have a point," Jav remarked.

Jav certainly didn’t want to have that following her around and though he wasn’t prepared to admit it Lesley had made quite an impression on him. He was a special somebody and she didn’t want to lose him over something that could be easily fixed.

Later that evening Jav went to the school lab and mixed up a complicated concoction that would essentially reprogram Leslie's chromosomes. When it was ready Jav poured it into a thermos and went home.

She placed it in her drawer and fell asleep.

Later that night Reagan tiptoed into her siblings room and after making sure Jav was asleep she started going through her things. It was now a regular habit of hers to trawl her sister's room. She didn’t know what drove her to do it but or some reason she was suspicious of Ashley and this instinct had to be obeyed.

When she was done with the school bag she turned to the drawers. After rummaging through the first two she struck pay dirt on the third. There was a thermos shoved amongst some socks.

Her curiosity immediately piqued. She wondered what Ashley was hiding. Was she a drinker, her school was notorious for the way its students partied, maybe this was a chance to get Miss Goody Goody into trouble.

She opened the thermos, sniffed it. It didn’t smell like alcohol. Maybe it was a science project but why would it be hidden in a sock drawer. She lifted the container to take a sip.

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2015

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part two- A family again

After helping her unpack I left my sister upstairs as she wanted to take a shower and change.

I wandered downstairs and found Mum and Dad seated on the couch watching the sleeping baby.

"Is she still asleep?"

"She is," Mum told me.

I went to Bonnie and watched her too. She looked so small yet so perfect.

"She's beautiful," I murmured.

"She is isn't she," Mum concurred, “just like you at that age.”

"Where is Des?" Dad asked.

"Showering I think," I answered.

Dad shook his head.

"Are you okay?" I asked the olds.

Mum sighed, "I don't know. I'm so confused. How could he do that?"

"He was suicidal. I always thought we'd given you two a happy childhood?" Dad asked looking at me.

He suddenly seemed so much older.

My heart broke. I'd never seen my father so uncertain about anything now here he was second guessing himself.

"I had a happy childhood Dad so don't go thinking otherwise. Part of me thinks Des was happy too which is why he came home," I told them before giving him a hug.

"Besides we should be happy that Des is back and look at the latest addition to our family. I know I'm thrilled to be an aunty. Just look at her, she's so precious," I remarked glancing at Bonnie.

Dad’s tired look vanished, "You're right about that honey," he offered.

My parents decided we ought to talk some more when Des was done with freshening up. She came downstairs wearing a delectable white summer dress that showcased her awesome body. She was tall for a girl at 5ft10 but all that was mostly legs that went on forever. Des had never had a big body and as a woman he was supermodel slender but with curves that defined her as a female. She didn’t seem to have put on any makeup but still looked perfect.

Looking at her I felt pride that I had such a gorgeous sister as well as a bit of envy that my brother could look so good. Once again Mum and Dad were left speechless at her appearance.

I wolf whistled and she blushed and giggled. Her laughter was such a nice sound and so infectious I joined in. I went over and made her turn around so I could see what the dress looked like from every angle.

“This is a great dress but I suspect you make anything you wear look good. You’re making me so jealous,” I told her.

“Thanks sis, but this is just something I threw on. Besides look at you rocking that short,” she pointed out.

I slapped her arm, Belinda responded by tickling me, I shrieked and we fell onto the sofa laughing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mum shake her head, a smile on her face.

“Girls,” she called out which immediately got our attention.

Had she just said girls? To Des and I?

Mum turned red, which made me wonder if she’d intended to say that.

“We need to talk,” Dad announced.

“Sure,” said my sibling, sitting up straighter and smoothing the skirt of her dress, her legs crossed in a very feminine way.

I nodded in agreement while noting how natural my sibling seemed as a female. I'm sure our parents couldn't help noticing that too.

“We’re happy you’re home kiddo and the last thing we want is to drive you away,” Dad began.

“We want to get to know you and Bonnie and for you to always feel this is your home,” Mum added.

“We won’t pretend that we understand what drove you to leave and change so much but you’re 28 and a parent and we have to respect your decision even if we don’t agree or like it,” she explained.

Dad looked at her without speaking and she prompted him, “Tom?”

“Yes,” agreed Dad. He didn’t look too happy though.

My sibling nodded.

“Will you ever go back to being a man?” Dad asked.

“No,” said Belinda, “this is me for the rest of my life. Let’s just say even if I had the inclination to do that which I don’t the surgery isn’t reversible. I simply don’t have the bits that make a man. Only a gynaecologist could tell I wasn’t born female now,” she added.

Our parents both paled at this. They didn’t seem to have understood the intricacies of gender reassignment. I barely did and was only slightly less taken aback than they were.

“The only thing I can’t do is have a period and fall pregnant, otherwise I’m female,” she explained.

My parents were gobsmacked.

So was I for that matter, she really was a woman I thought, I mean I don’t know a guy who’d want to have female junk. Most cross-dressers didn’t, at least I thought they didn’t. I knew squat about my sister’s condition.

My parents were still shell-shocked.

“So do you have a boyfriend?” I asked.

Belinda shook her head and gave me the look. It was a look we’d patented as kids that meant something not be discussed in front of the ‘rents.

“Sweetie, how are you going to marry?” Mum wondered, latching onto my question.

My sister- there was no way I could see her as a boy after what I’d just heard- gave me a glown (glare+frown).

“I don’t know if I’m the marrying type. I haven’t met the right person like you two did,” she answered softly.

“You mean the right girl right?” Dad hinted.

Belinda shook her head, “I’m not attracted to women,” she murmured.

“You’re gay!” Dad hollered.

“I think she’d be gay if she was attracted to women. Gay men want to stay as men I think,” Mum enlightened him.

Belinda nodded as we all stared at her, she certainly didn’t look anything like a man.

“I’m not happy about this,” Dad muttered.

“Neither am I but what’s done is done. He is a girl now and won’t be going back so what is the way forward?” Mum said looking at Dad.

“I know I look different and that I’ve been gone for a long time but I’d like it if we reconnected. I want to be part of your lives. I want Bonnie to know the amazing people you are and for you to watch her grow up. I want to be accepted as your daughter and sister,” said Belinda slowly.

“You are my sister and I’d love to get to know you. I will also kill you if go away from ten years again,” I immediately piped up.

“Thank you,” said my sister.

She gave me a bright smile just like the one's I'd seen on her face when I was small. I smiled back.

Dad shook his head, "You're my son. How am I supposed to forget that?"

"Tom," Mum said looking at Dad.

Belinda wasn't one for turning though.

"I was never your son. I've never seen myself as a boy. My body lied about my gender. How many boys do you know who would hate their bodies so much they'd do what I did? Not too many I bet and that's because no man would want this. I'm not a man and I never was which is why the doctors agreed to help me. I had to do it because I just couldn't stomach being a man. It was a horrible feeling looking at my reflection and loathing it. I hated having erections, watching hair grow on my face and on my body, hearing my own voice break. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable I was? Everyone else was proud of who they were and I only wanted to cut off the parts that made me male. I hated it so much I actually tried to kill myself when I was seventeen by walking onto the road." Belinda told us.

Mum gasped.

A car had nearly hit Belinda when she was 17. The driver's quick thinking and reflexes had led to him narrowly missing her. Thankfully there hadn't been any oncoming traffic and no one was hurt. He'd stopped his car to to check on my sibling before insisting on driving her home. He'd told Mum he'd narrowly missed hitting her son as he hadn't been paying attention on the street.

"You did that on purpose," Mum stated, her face white as she realised how close she'd come to losing her child.

Belinda nodded tears running down her cheeks.

"I was so miserable I couldn't see the point of carrying on," she murmured, "But after I saw the sheer terror on that man's face I decided I wasn't going to make my misery ruin someone else's life. I decided to do whatever it took to be the girl I felt I was." Belinda finished.

"I'm your daughter. I always have been," she whispered.

Mum went over to her and hugged her, both of them crying.

"It's okay sweetheart. It's okay," she told her child as she stroked her hair.

I placed an arm around Belinda too. I felt miserable that she'd suffered so much at a time when she should have been carefree.

Even Dad had glint in his eye. He came over and joined the hug.

"Welcome home my girl," he said which only made Bel sob some more though these were tears of joy.

After this heavy conversation Dad retired to his shed while Mum went into the kitchen to cook the evening meal. She wanted to make something nice to mark her child’s return. This left my sister and me to our own devices.

We used the time to talk. I told Belinda what had been going on in my life. We had a lot of catching up to do as I’d last seen her when I was 13 and she was 18.

By the time dinner rolled around my sister and I and had spent an eternity chatting, filling each other in on the happenings in our lives.

It was cathartic as we shared the things that had unfolded in our lives. I found out Belinda had walked a hard road to become the woman she'd always felt she was.

I wanted to know more about what made someone change their gender.

"I didn't change it. I was always female inside but my body didn't reflect that. When you were born I asked Mum why you were different and she said you were a girl. That was the moment I first realised I wasn't right. Being a child I sort of thought I could turn into a girl one day."

She looked wistfully at the mantelpiece.

"I spent a lot of time imagining myself as a girl. I'd see the girls at school and I'd wish I could join them. I used to wonder what it would be like to be one of them. In my mind I could see myself being a mother when I grew up. Puberty was a slap in the face. It was like I was being mocked by my body. Every day took me further away from my dream."

"I'm sorry," I said to her unable to imagine going through something that bad.

"It's so much better now. I'm not in pain anymore. I can look in the mirror and face the same insecurities as every one else."

Bonnie stirred in her cot. She woke up and almost reflexively her mother was at her side.

"Good morning Bonbon," Belinda cooed.

Bonnie gurgled and grabbed Belinda's finger in her tiny fist. Belinda laughed and made silly faces at her infant. I watched enamoured by the two of them. Belinda then changed Bonnie’s diaper all the while cooing at the baby.

When she was done she placed the child on her knee.

"Bonnie meet Megan. She's my sister and your auntie,"

"Hi Bonnie," I said cheerfully.

Bonnie looked at me with the large blue eyes she’d inherited from my mother. Belinda passed her to me while she was still eyeing me curiously.

"Lets go give her a bath," Belinda suggested.

I stood up holding Bonnie who was still looking at me.

"Gaga," Bonnie said waving her arms, "Ma, ma." She added.

"Time for a bath sweetheart," Belinda told her daughter.

We went upstairs and Belinda ran a bath. She'd left a baby bath in the bathroom when she was freshening up. She checked the water temperature with her elbow and once satisfied it was fine she took the baby from me and began undressing her. When she was done she gradually slipped Bonnie into the water feet first, using one hand to cradle her neck.

I watched as she lovingly washed the baby, a smile on both their faces. She sang softly to her child making Bonnie laugh happily. Before long she was done and Bonnie was dressed and soon feeding from her mother's breast. It was an age-old act as ancient as our race but it struck me how natural my sister looked and how happy she appeared. She looked beatific.

I knew intellectually that Belinda was a woman but the way she cared for Bonnie finally convinced my doubtful heart.

I knew men could be gentle with children too but Belinda feeding Bonnie from her breast was something no man could do. It was utterly feminine and it was at that moment I fully understood that Belinda had never been male no matter what her body had been like before.

After some minutes Bonnie decided she'd had enough. We went back downstairs and my sister and I set up Bonnie's toys. We had her stack some cups while we watched clapping and encouraging her as she attempted her task. Bonnie however was like all babies in that she had a short attention span. After some minutes she abandoned the cups and decided to explore her new surroundings. We watched carefully as she crawled around the living room looking and trying to touch the coffee table and the flower vase our mother kept in the corner.

Belinda had the perfect counter to this. She placed her daughter's favourite toys near her and called out to her. Bonnie saw her mother clutching her teddy and started crawling towards her.

Mom walked in on a lovely scene. Her daughters happily playing with her granddaughter. Belinda and I were sitting cross-legged clutching a stuffed animal each as we enacted a play for Bonnie who was enraptured I have to say.

Mom was so fascinated she started filming us on her phone unbeknownst to us. She’d called Dad back to the house for dinner and he stumbled onto this scene. My mother shushed him before he could say a thing and he also stood there watching his descendants. A smile slowly appeared on his face, the first one since my sister had arrived.

I happened to look up at that moment and saw my parents holding hands and smiling as Mum filmed us. I knew then that whatever happened we were going to be okay.

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

© 2015

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part 3- New beginnings

Dinner that night was a pleasant affair. It was so nice to sit down as a complete family. The first meal in years where we didn't wonder where Des was or what he was doing with his life or if he'd ever come back home.

Mum started the meal by expressing her gratitude that her child had come home and that she’d brought an unexpected present too.

Belinda smiled and announced that Bonnie wasn’t the only gift she’d brought. She then gave my parents gifts as well. Mum received a pair of diamond earrings, pearl necklace and a Cartier tennis watch.

She was overcome with emotion.

"Their beautiful thank you," she said softly, squeezing Belinda's hand.

"Don't mention it," Belinda replied giving our mother a warm smile

Bonnie clapped as she followed proceedings. Bel also had something for Dad.

"I know you always wished to travel but you never had the chance. This will remedy that," my sister announced before passing Dad a glossy folder.

"You didn't have to," he said opening it.

He gasped at the contents.

"What is it?" Mum asked.

"An all expenses paid trip to New Zealand for two," Dad said clearly dazed.

"Oh my goodness," murmured Mum.

This time Mum came round and gave my sister a hug.

“Thank you,” said Dad quietly

“It’s nothing don’t mention it,” said Belinda softly.

“You didn’t have to do this, you being here is enough,” Dad told her a smile on his face.

“Okay but please tell me you’ll go?”

“We will," Mum and Dad chorused.

Bonnie was properly introduced to her grandparents who promptly fell in love with her. As usual the meal was delicious as my mother outdid herself.

“Mum this is amazing. I missed your cooking,” Belinda remarked after taking a couple of bites into the tarragon chicken and sauce much to Mum’s pleasure and Dad's amusement.

Dad volunteered to feed Bonnie which was interesting to watch. Bonnie seemed fascinated by Dad, perhaps it had something to do with him being the only male around but I like think it was how he fed her. He pretended every spoon was an aeroplane and he’d buzz while the spoon hovered while telling Bonnie that a plane with supplies was coming in for a landing. Bonnie was hooked and ate every spoonful much to her mother’s amazement.

“How are you doing that? She usually hates veggies, it’s a mission to get her to eat them,’ said Belinda with a shake of the head.

Dad laughed, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it seems,” he said.

“You hated your vegetables too,” Mum pointed out.

“I did not,” Belinda replied.

“You did, when we started feeding you solids like Bonnie here you’d have a hissy fit but your Dad would play this game with you and you’d eat,” Mum answered.

“Really,” said Belinda in amazement, “I had no idea,” she said looking at Dad and Bonnie.

We all talked a bit about our lives. Dad still worked at the local auto plant as he done for the last twenty nine years. Mum was still a house wife who worked part time at the same plants day care centre. I also worked in the same company doing logistics. It was an okay job and it kept me close to my parents as I didn’t want to compound their hurt by going away like Des had. Of course I didn’t tell my family that as they’d all have felt awful that I’d curtailed my ambitions because of them. I hadn’t of course as I also enjoyed living in my hometown.

After the meal Belinda and I did the dishes together chatting about everything while Mum and Dad played with Bonnie. When we were done we took the baby upstairs so she could go to bed and carried on our conversation for hours in Bel’s room.

I was so happy to have her home I didn’t want to leave her side. We both fell asleep on her bed in the early hours of the morning.

The next morning Mum chased my sister and I out of the house, giving us a shopping list of items we were to return with while she cleaned the place. Mum insisted we leave Bonnie with her while the two of us went on our trip. Belinda smiled and happily acquiesced; quite happy our mother was developing a bond with her daughter. Mum gave us a list of groceries to get before reminding my sister to get more diapers for the baby just as we were getting out of the house.

“And some formula too,” Mum added.

“Sure thing,” said Belinda, before rolling her eyes. I could get the sentiment; she was the mother after all and was doing a great job with Bonnie.

“I missed her nagging,” she said once we were out of earshot.

I giggled as she unlocked her car. She then walked to the passenger door tossing me the smart key.

‘You want me to drive?”

“You got a license?”

“Yeah,”

“So let’s go,”

I was stunned; she was going to let me drive her expensive, new car. I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth though so I hopped in before she had second thoughts. She showed me how the controls worked and off we went.

It handled like a dream.

“This car is amazing,” I told her, it was so smooth and just a touch of the accelerator produced a smorgasbord of power. I loved it.

"Yeah,"

“I saw the ad with that Swedish DJ and I figured it looked nice but this is just wow,” I told her.

Belinda shrugged, “its okay. I liked the safety record of Volvo and I may be a soccer mom in a few years so I thought I’d get ready."

I giggled, “You have everything planned out for her don’t you.”

“Just a bit,” she smiled.

I raised my eyebrows.

"Can't a mother dream?"

"Of course you can but don't get disappointed if she's got her own ideas," I warned her.

"’Course not, I'm not going to be a pushy Mom,' Belinda replied.

I just rolled my eyes earning me a swat on my legs from my sister.

We arrived at our destination in good time. After a powwow, we decided we’d just go around the huge mall until we ended up at a supermarket where we’d get Mum’s groceries before heading back.

The mall had changed a lot in ten years and I showed Belinda the new stores. We checked out the clothing stores first as I’d discovered that my sister was a bit of a clothes horse which was fun as I’d always envied other girls who had sister’s to shop with and steal clothes from. We went into a couple of shops and tried out a few things and in the process I accidentally got to see Belinda in nothing but her underwear and was once again struck by her gorgeous figure.

How could someone so female ever have been a boy? I wondered. There was nothing to indicate her past from her slight shoulders and generous bust to her heart shaped behind and flat crotch. Belinda's body all but shouted woman. I briefly wondered if I would have found it harder to accept her change had she been less good looking and more masculine.

I stared for too long but she didn’t mind, she looked at me nonchalantly and casually asked me to pass her another dress and I did. She put it on and asked me to zip her up.

“How do I look?”

“Fantastic,” I said truthfully.

She was a knockout and I wondered why she was still single.

“Thanks but I’ll leave it,” she said, ‘’I don’t really like it.”

“Okay,” I said my mind still on how gorgeous she was.

Once again I couldn’t believe she’d ever been male and I was her sister.

“Why are you still single?” I blurted out.

Her face fell a bit as she took off the dress.

“What do you mean?”

“Belinda, do you have any idea what a great bod you have? I’m sure the guys must be falling all over themselves for you.” I told her.

She sighed, “There is the small matter of me having been a boy. It tends to be a deal breaker,’ she murmured as she left the dressing room.

I followed her out as she left the store. She found a café across from it and we sat down. We ordered some coffee. When it arrived she explained what she'd said in the dressing room.

“It didn’t take too long for me to start getting hit on by guys when I transitioned. I was lucky in that I was young so the hormones worked really well so after a few months I passed okay. I wasn’t prepared for it even though it comes with the territory. There was one man who was quite charming. He lived in a neighbouring apartment complex. We met at a laundromat and he started flirting. I liked it as it validated my identity as a woman. If a man found me good looking enough to flirt with then it meant I was attractive and that means a lot to someone just beginning to transition you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I think nearly every girl goes through that," I replied remembering how much fun it had been for me when I discovered boys found me attractive. It was empowering in a way.

“He wooed me for ages until I agreed to go for a date with him. We had a nice time and after the date I decided to tell him I’m trans. He flew into a rage and punched me and would have beaten me to a pulp if a cop hadn’t been down the road. I didn’t press charges because I was scared I’d be a laughing stock. I was so scared I had to find a new place to stay so I wouldn't run into him," Belinda explained.

I felt awful for her, "I'm sorry," I murmured, "he didn't stalk you did he?"

Belinda shook her head and carried on. I hated that she'd had to live in fear after experiencing violence from someone she thought liked her. Life could be so cruel at times.

"After that I didn’t dare date anyone until I had my surgery. Six months after the surgery I met Ross at a party. He was tall, good looking and he was different from any man I’d met before. He didn’t talk bullshit and seemed interested in me as a person not just as a hot woman. We danced; I fell head over heels for him. He was the first man to make love to me," she wistfully told me.

“After a couple of months we moved in together. I still hadn’t told him I used to be a boy as I was so scared he wouldn’t want me and I was hopelessly in love with him. I met his family and I liked them. I felt welcome among them. He wanted to meet you guys but I kept fobbing him off. After two years together he asked me to marry him. I knew I had to tell him the truth. He was shocked. I told him everything. He was in a daze and slept on the couch for some days afterwards. He was barely talking to me. Then after a week or so he started talking again. Both of us wanted it to work and we talked it out. I told him I hadn't told him because I was afraid of his reaction. I also said I couldn't marry someone while keeping a secret. He said he loved me and wanted me in his life. So we carried on and I thought we still had that spark. Imagine my surprise when he moved out at the end of the month."

Her voice was tinged with sadness.

"He said he couldn't see me as a woman anymore and that it was best if we ended it," Belinda finished.

Her eyes glistened with tears. I felt my heart break for her. I scooted over to her side and embraced her.

"I'm sorry," I told her, "I'm so stupid and shouldn't have made you relive that."

"'s Kay sis," Belinda told me, "I'm not gonna hold it against you."

"You know he was a jerk right?" I told her.

"I know but I shouldn't have hid it from him," Belinda remarked.

"You're falling into the trap all good women find themselves in. You can't blame yourself for his bad behaviour. How could he suddenly say he didn't see you as a woman? He had issues and you're better off shot of him,” I answered.

Belinda sighed, "I don't deserve to be with anyone,"

I looked at her open mouthed. I felt the tears form in my eyes.

"It's true. I'm just too weird,"

"Don't say that. Heck hon, don't think that. You are as deserving of love as the next girl. You are absolutely not weird sis," I gently told her.

Belinda nodded at me and I held her a bit tighter.

After a cup of coffee we continued our walkabout but didn’t see anything that caught our eye for us.

We saw a couple of nice outfits that might fit Bonnie and Belinda didn’t think twice before buying them.

"She's growing so fast," my sister told me, "you won't believe how tiny she was when she was born."

Naturally she had the pictures on her phone.

"Aw, she's so cute!" I exclaimed.

Belinda opened her bag, digging out a card to pay for her purchases.

Shit was that a black card? The clerk also seemed to perk up at the sight of it or maybe it just my imagination. My sister paid up and we were on our way. We spotted a supermarket at the far end of the walkway.

"Was that a black card? What do you do for a living?" I asked her.

After seeing her nice clothes, expensive car and incredible gifts I knew she was loaded and I was curious about it.

She smiled, "I like that you're still so curious."

It was true Dad liked to say I asked more questions than the IRS. As a child I was always asking questions about everything.

"I want to know all I can about my sister. That can't be a crime," I added.

"You'd be an accessory if I told you," said Belinda, "I'm a high class escort." She said all serious.

I stared at her stunned and she burst out laughing.

"Gotcha!" She exclaimed, "The look on your face," she said giggling, "it was so precious."

I had to smile; some things never change as she'd always loved teasing me. She'd never been mean but she'd loved playing around with my head. I gave her a little push to reassert my dignity just like old times too.

"You got me now level with me," I requested.

"I am a partner in an equity firm. We specialize in angel investments in software startups," she told me.

"A partner, huh. So you must be rich," I answered.

"I don't want for much," she told me.

"How much?" I insisted.

"You do know that's an inappropriate question right?" Belinda countered.

"I heard sisters don't have secrets between them," I said, smiling at her.

She sighed theatrically, "So is that emotional blackmail?"

"I'm sure it’s in the rule-book," I remarked.

"My assets are worth about 30 million," she said in a long suffering tone.

I ignored her and stopped while staring at her.

"What?" Belinda asked wondering why I'd stopped walking.

I scanned her from head to toe twice before settling on her bust.

"Which assets?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

Belinda burst out laughing. I loved the sound of her laughter. It was wholesome and came from her soul.

"You're so bad Mags," she told me before wrapping an arm around me.

Belinda and I ambled our way to the supermarket where we purchased our groceries before heading to the checkout. After paying we walked out of the store and headed back to the car.

"Megan,"

I turned around already knowing who it was. I just hoped Belinda wouldn't be too surprised.

"Hi Jack," I said before giving my boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey sweetie," he said before kissing me full on the lips.

He turned to look at my sister, "Who is your friend?"

Belinda had a neutral expression on her face which I couldn't decipher as she watched her former best friend after kissing her little sister. I looked at her for a cue not wanting to out her and unsure what to say.

"Hi," Belinda said with a smile.

"Um this is Belinda," I said to Jack.

"It's okay Mags," said my sister before I could finish the introductions.

"Are you alright Wacko?" Belinda said.

I swear Jack's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

"No," he said shaking his head, "who told you that name? Only one person called me that and I haven't seen him in 10 years."

"Yeah because I once walked in on you dancing to MJ's 'I'm bad' in your room when we were 16," Belinda remarked.

Black people can blush and my boyfriend proved it just then.

"Des?" Jack said in a whisper.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sydney Moya

© 2015

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part 4-Renewal

Belinda nodded, her eyes bright.

"You're a woman?"

“Yeah,” my sister answered.

Jack looked and I mean really looked at her from head to toe. It was hot so Belinda was wearing denim shorts and a floaty blouse. Neither left much to the imagination. I realised he was checking her out, I was about to tell him off when he spoke,

“How, “Jack said, “why?”

Belinda flicked the hair from her face. Part of me hated her for that while another marvelled at the practised ease with which she pulled off such feminine gestures.

“I wasn’t supposed to be a man Jack, I hated every minute of it. This was the only way I could be happy with my life. I love being a woman. I feel so free now. As for how it was through hormones and surgery,”

He stared at her, "Wow! Damn so this is why you left?"

My sister nodded, "Yeah, it was either this or suicide,” she said.

"Shit," Jack swore.

He then reached for Bel, "Come here," he said before giving her a hug, "you should have told me."

I wasn't going to begrudge them that. Jack was a big teddy bear sometimes. Thankfully he wasn't freaking out too. I didn't want to see Belinda get hurt especially after what she'd told me earlier.

"I had no idea how you'd take it," she murmured.

“I was your friend,” Jack countered.

“You were a jock and 17. Imagine how terrified I was of it getting out. Can you put yourself in my shoes? A teenage boy who desperately felt he was a girl inside and longed to be one on the outside. I couldn’t even tell my mom,” she answered as he held her.

“I guess you’re right,” said Jack slowly before letting go.

"I can't believe this," Jack said shaking his head, "you look really nice, I’d never have guessed." he added after letting go.

Belinda turned an interesting shade of pink, "Thanks," she said.

I made a mental note to ask him if he thought she was more attractive than I was. Oh the pitfalls of having a sister!

“When’d you get back?”

“Yesterday,” said Belinda, “look, if you’re not too busy why don’t you join us for lunch at home? Maybe we can catch up,”

Jack looked at me. I nodded.

“Yeah come along,” I said.

Belinda opened the car and sat in the passenger seat again.

“Sweet ride,” he said to my sister as he admired her car.

“Thanks,” my sister replied.

“I’d love to take a spin but I brought my car so I’ll just follow you,” Jack remarked.

We nodded. I started the car and I pulled out of the parking lot.

“You okay,” I asked my sister.

She nodded her head, “Yeah. So you and Jack,” Belinda said, it was a statement but one clearly meant as a question.

“We’ve been going out for a year,” I explained.

She looked at me, “I never would have seen that coming,” Belinda said.

“What do you mean?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t passing judgement on me.

My sister was obviously a woman. She saw right through me whereas a guy would have just ploughed on regardless.

Belinda put her hand up, “Chill sis. I don’t mean anything by that,” she added.

I looked her in the eyes and I saw nothing but concern and love in them.

“When I left you were thirteen and I would have beaten Jack for even looking at you. Now you’re driving my car and dating him. It’s a lot to take in,” Belinda told me.

“When you left you were my brother and now you’re a yummy mummy,” I countered, “people change. I grew up sis,” I gently told her.

She sighed and turned to look out of the window.

I placed my hand on hers. She took it and squeezed it.

We arrived home a quarter of an hour later. Jack was only minutes behind us.

“Mom we’re back,” I announced as we walked into the house.

We found our mother reading a storybook to Bonnie who sat there listening an enraptured look on her cute face. We both smiled at the sight of them. The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” I offered, “its Jack,” I added for our mother’s benefit.

“Jack,” said Mum with a raised eyebrow before looking at Belinda.

“I invited him, we met and talked a bit at the mall,” my sister responded.

“Really,” said Mum looking interested.

She looked like she wanted to say something but then thought better of it.

I opened the door and Jack walked in, “Hi Mrs Masters,” said Jack to our mother.

“Hello Jack,” said Mum, “How are you?”

“I’m fine thanks,” Jack remarked politely.

His politeness was one of the reasons why Mum had always liked him. She’d known him since he was thirteen when Belinda had become his friend.

"Babysitting?" He said on noticing Bonnie, "Hi honey," he said waving at her.

Mum smiled, "Yes," she replied, "say hello honey," she told Bonnie.

Bonnie lifted her hands, waving them about while she laughed.

I smiled and briefly wondered what it was about Jack and the girls in our family.

Belinda grabbed some Cokes, "Mom could Jack please stay over for lunch?"

"Of course," responded Mum.

The three of us left the kitchen for the deck outside the house.

"So who is your Mom babysitting for?" Jack asked me.

"That's my daughter Bonnie," said Bel.

"That's your kid?" Jack asked, clearly astonished.

Belinda nodded.

"Wow, adopted?"

"No, she's mine," said Belinda.

"I thought you had surgery and all that?" Jack said looking confused.

"I did but I knew I wanted kids one day so I had my sperm frozen before I transitioned," Belinda explained, "I had a surrogate mother," she explained.

"Oh," was all Jack could say. He looked staggered.

It led to a bit of an awkward moment until Belinda piped up.

"So man what happened to the bro code of not dating friends sisters?" Belinda queried, a naughty grin on her face.

"Belinda!" I exclaimed.

Jack smiled, "You're not exactly a bro so I think its null and void," he observed.

Bel just smiled at him.

"How'd you guys hook up anyway?"

"Believe it or not we met at Sherry’s about a year ago,” I said.

"Sherry's is still open?" Belinda asked, "and both of you still go there?"

Jack and I laughed. Sherry's was an infamous diner frequented by the teen crowd. It was straight out of the sixties and had survived the onslaught of MacDonald's and the other fast food brands.

"Hey don't knock the joint. They make great burgers,"Jack said.

Belinda just smiled.

"I drop by there when I need my burger fix and I bumped into Jack there," I explained.

"I was stunned to see her. I think it had been five years since I'd last seen her," Jack said.

"We just started talking and one thing led to another," I told Bel.

I reached for Jack's hand and squeezed it.

"Aw. That's so cute," Bel remarked at the sight of us.

She sounded genuinely happy for us and fool that I was I'd been worried she'd be upset about our relationship. Luckily Belinda wasn't that kind of sister.

"So what's it like being a woman?" Jack asked.

He looked genuinely interested in Bel's answer.

My sister sat deep in thought, "It's so different to being a guy and yet a lot hasn't changed. Physically there's the obvious things like being weaker. I feel less safe than I did when I lived as a boy especially at night. I love the way my body feels and looks, the soft skin, my boobs and hips and not having a dick. It's a relief though I know you don't think so," she said as Jack grimaced.

I looked at her and she smiled. I imagined waking up male and felt uncomfortable. She'd had to live most of her life feeling worse than that.

"I like the clothes women get to wear. The looks I can put together. Skirts and dresses are amazing.Honestly guys have no idea what their missing. They can be a hassle though and bra's and heels are sometimes necessary evils. I do hate the social pressure being a woman brings. You have to look perfect at all times or you're letting yourself go. I don't like being seen as an object or being leered at. People tend not to take me as seriously as they would a man. It's like my opinions matter less. However as a woman I'm free to express my emotions, cry if I have to and no one will think I'm weak. I'll be excused because I'm a girl whereas as a boy I was expected to man up and be stoic which was very distressing. I think its part of the reason I couldn't get help when I was younger. Men have to be strong and in control and I had to live up to that. I find that society doesn't appreciate women like this. I see women turned down for exhibiting the same traits all the time which is very unfair. Still I honestly think I am better off now and nothing beats being a mom. The connection I have with Bonnie is incredible," Bel explained before sighing.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Now that I have Bonnie I wish I'd been open with Mom," she said the regret in her tone clear, "I can't imagine how much they must have hurt."

I wrapped my arm around her.

"At least you're home now. I know their happy about that," I reassured her.

Camille Masters, Belinda and Megan’s mother.

"I was quite surprised when the girls returned from their shopping trip with Jack in tow. That boy was Des’s best friend for years and now is Meg’s boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to mind what his old friend looks like which is good. I don’t want Meg to have to choose between him and Des. Still I wasn’t expecting them to tell someone about Des’ return which made me realise that people were going to find out that Des was quite different now. I can foresee problems with certain people not least of all in my family.

Des had left home at 18 after graduating high school.

That final year in high school had been a difficult one for us. Des seemed uninterested in planning for college or getting a job. Indeed he seemed restless and in retrospect I am not surprised he left after the year ended. I’m stunned I didn’t see this coming. As a child Des had been quite a sweet boy with a lovely disposition. I don’t remember him acting effeminate as a child but he was really close to his sister and she followed him everywhere. They were so cute together. He'd changed as he entered his teens becoming emotionally distant though not from Meg. I'd ascribed it to growing up thinking it was typical of kids to grow less attached to their parents with time. Tom and I always tried to let him know he was loved but we also didn’t want to be too clingy so we did give him space when he needed it. I never would have guessed it was because he was struggling with his gender identity. I never saw this part of him at all.

Nothing can explain the confusion and horror I felt when that beautiful girl claimed she was Des. I was so shocked. Tom was just as upset. I didn’t want to believe it but deep down I knew it was Des. A mother always knows you see. When she turned around to leave, I instinctively ran after her. I wasn’t going to lose my child again.

Megan fainting was another twist to what was developing into a day I would never forget. Luckily her father caught her and prevented her from getting hurt thank goodness. Tom picked her up and laid on her on the couch, she came to after a few moments. When she woke up she stared at her sibling before approaching her and giving her a hug. Both of them were crying and happy to see each other. It’s like they’d always been sisters. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with Des being a girl. I have to say she made Des feel more at home than Tom and I did.

I still get a bit startled whenever I hear her singsong alto calling for me. I hope it doesn't show though because I don't want to drive her away or make her feel awkward. My heart broke when she told us that she’d tried to end her life. I felt like I’d failed my baby.

I really don't know what to feel about Des becoming a woman. She says it saved her life. I can’t argue with that as I could sense the pain as she talked about how miserable she’d been as a boy. She's so beautiful; she looks like her aunt Sandy, Tom's sister did at that age. She carries herself well and is so convincing at it that I have to accept this is inborn. Maybe my little boy had never been my little boy but a daughter I didn't know I had. The thought of this cuts me up, especially when I think of the pain that drove her to try and end her life.

As it is she's changed a lot from the child I knew and while I'm overjoyed she's back and we know she's okay it's difficult. I don't know how to relate to my adult child, she’s changed in more ways than one. When I last saw her she was still a child. Ten years have passed and she's made her way in the world without my guidance and has a child too. I don't know what has shaped her into the person she is today. Part of me misses my son but I feel terrible about what she went through and that she was so afraid of my reaction that she'd went through such a drastic change alone.

Bonnie was a lovely surprise. She is a perfect little angel and there’s so much of my child in her. I’m a grandmother and I’m so pleased about that. I love this girl more than I can say and Belinda rightly looks happiest around her. With Bonnie she wears a look I was very familiar with as I'd seen it in the mirror as a young mother. I was pleased my child had found the joy of parenthood even if it was by unconventional means. Watching her with Bonnie made me even less certain if Des had ever been a man emotionally. She breastfed Bonnie like it was the most natural thing in the world. She was so comfortable in the role of a mother. My hackles ought to be raised but she looks so natural as a woman and mother. She dresses tastefully and doesn't flaunt her body. Everything I've seen so far indicates she carries herself as a lady and I can't help but be proud of this. I am a bit of a social conservative who believes in the family as the heart of society. I don't pretend to understand why someone would want to be the opposite sex and go through the surgery to achieve that but I assume it’s a symptom of a deluded mind but Des doesn't strike me as deluded. She seems a perfectly sane person and a sensible young lady. Now that I know how much pain she was in I can't regret her decision to change her lot in life. She's my child and if she's happy this way and harming nobody I guess I can live with it.

I would love to sit down and get to know her. I’ve missed her so much and I want to hear all about her life up to today."

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2015

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part 5-Feliz cumpleaños

I think it was inevitable that Jack would ask his old friend what sex was like for a woman.

I was interested too but didn't have the guts to ask such a personal question with my boyfriend present. I spluttered on my coke when my boyfriend asked it.

"Jack!"

Bel turned pink again leaving Jack grinning.

"Some things never change," he muttered, "still shy," Jack finished rather smugly, I thought.

"Hey that's totally inappropriate," I warned Jack.

"Sorry," Jack replied, "I'm just curious who has it better,"

Bel nodded, "I don't think I can answer that. I never did it as a guy," she explained.

"Really?"

Belinda nodded, "The very idea put me off. I think that's why I was so shy as a teenager.”

"Are you single?" Jack asked.

"Yes," said Belinda.

"What no way. I need to move to Cali if hot girls like you are single. Sounds like paradise," Jack said looking starry eyed.

I gave him the evil eye, "It'll be hell if you keep talking like that," I told him.

Jack's eyes widened.

Bel and I burst out laughing before Jack joined us.

Jack stayed over for lunch and we carried on our conversation though it was more suited to the presence of Mom.

"Tell me what happened when you graduated?" Bel asked, "I remember you had won a scholarship,"

"I went to college and played ball. I got a degree in Business. I enjoyed it and after I graduated I got a job at Steinman and they sent me here after a couple of years."

"He is deputy VP for the Midwest," I said, rather proudly.

Belinda nodded, "That's good," she replied.

Jack smiled and thanked her.

"What about you?" Jack asked her.

"What's there to tell?" Belinda responded.

"Well I for one am interested my dear," Mom remarked.

"When I left the only thing I wanted was to change and stop being a boy. I wanted to go somewhere I could be a girl and no one would know who I had been. The first thing I did when I got off the bus was find a place to stay and then changing my appearance so I looked like a girl. I had some money and I worked a couple of jobs. Convenience store, waitressing until I met a girl called Callie. She figured out I was transitioning and she found it fascinating. It was in a nice way though. She offered to help me with stuff and be my friend. I could see she was sincere and I needed a friend so I agreed. She taught me a lot, all the stuff girls grow up picking up like behaviour, dressing, makeup. It was thanks to her I met Mark and Barry. I was lucky with them, they hired me and I was sort of a girl Friday for them. They were brilliant but as they were so busy coding they couldn’t attend to anything non-essential which was everything so I had to keep everything going while helping with the code when I could. When they sold the business, they had given me 1% and some cash too. Because of them, I was set for life.

“Wow, that’s some story,” said Jack, “I can’t believe you know Mark Reynolds and Barry Sarkissian,” he said clearly awed. I was just as amazed that my sister moved in such circles.

Bel shrugged, “Their great guys, their wives are just as nice,” she added.

Bonnie put out her hands to her mother, clearly wanting to be picked up. Bel obliged,

“You want to sit with Momma, okay snookums,” she said with a smile taking the child from her high chair.

Bonnie smiled and cooed at her leaving us all smiling.

Bel nuzzled her baby and for the first time I really felt the urge to have a child of my own. Watching Bel and her infant was giving me baby fever. I wanted to have my own baby too, as I could see the the joyfulness in Bel’s eyes whenever she was with her daughter.

The barriers between Belinda and the rest of us fell during the next few days as we got used to her. Dad and I went back to work the next day leaving Bel to spend the day with Mom at home which was good for them both as it allowed Mom to find out more about her child’s life. That morning they woke up with Mom making breakfast while Belinda cleaned the house after making sure Bonnie was fed and dry.

By midmorning, my sister would be hard at work glued to her high spec laptop, running meetings on Skype with her associates or doing her work while Mom watched Bonnie or took her for a walk. When she came back Belinda would insist on taking Mom out for lunch at a nearby bistro. It had recently opened and the meals cost an arm and leg.

Reluctantly she agreed but was stunned when she saw the price list.

“Don’t worry Mom, I’ve got it covered,” my sister would tell her before ordering her meal, “It has good reviews on Trip Advisor.”

Mom didn't grill Bel over lunch that afternoon. Part of it was because she wasn't sure where to begin and also that she just enjoyed being with Bonnie and Bel.

When this continued to happen over a number of days, Mom finally asked Belinda how she could afford this.

“This can’t be cheap honey, how are you paying for this?”

“It’s cheaper here than in California,” my sister replied.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking but what exactly do you do for a living?” Mom asked.

“I decide what we can put our money in, and can get us the best return,”

“Our money?”

“Well when Mark and Barry sold the business we started an investment group. Basically we fund tech start ups,” Belinda replied.

Mom nodded, starting to get it.

"Ok that makes sense, are you doing well?"

"We have better returns than the market. Things are good," said Bel with a smile, "it's okay to ask Mom I'm still your child. I suppose you have a thousand questions," Bel added sensing our mother's curiosity.

"Did you ever go to school. I always thought you should have gone to college," Mom asked.

Bel smiled, "I did. I have a masters in investment finance and a bachelors in business."

"Oh my goodness, sweetheart that's wonderful," remarked Mom happily, "I'm so proud."

Belinda smiled.

"A Masters degree. I wish I could have been there," said Mom.

"I have the videos on my laptop,"

"You"ll have to show me. Your father will be so proud. I'm really glad you are doing well. Have you bought a house?"

"I have two," said Bel looking slightly embarrassed.

"Goodness," Mom said taken aback, "that's great."

"Thanks," said Bel before tearing up, "I'm so sorry I didn't keep in touch. I'd go mad if Bonnie disappeared,"

Mom reached for her hand and squeezed it, "That's alright sweetheart. All that matters is that you're back," she said softly.

They sat in silence for a bit before Mom asked another question.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes. I am though I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life alone, people still find it hard to accept changes like the one I had,"

Mom being a mother sensed there was a story behind this.

"Who hurt you?"

She looked into her child’s eyes which were the one thing that hadn’t changed, she could see the pain in them.

Bel narrated her relationship with Ross and how he'd walked out on her after she'd told him about her past.

"I loved him and he just couldn't stand to be with me when he found out."

A tear rolled down her face. Mom's heart broke at this. She squeezed Bel's hands.

“I’m thankful for everything but it just feels like no one will love me for who I am,” Bel finished, clearly sad.

Mom placed an arm around her child, “Oh sweetheart,” she murmured.

“Am I a freak?”

“No,” said Mom immediately, “you’re not. You should never think that.”

“I dunno Mom sometimes I wonder,” a tearful Bel sighed.

“You said there are doctors who screen people before they can change right?”

Bel nodded.

“Well I think they knew what they were doing. When I see you with Bonnie, everything you said about being a woman isn’t necessary my darling. I can’t see you as a man when you’re with her,” Mom replied, “and stop thinking you’re a freak, you’re unique like everyone else and your father, Meg and I love you to death. This little girl needs a strong woman, be strong for her, ok?”

Bel nodded as Mom squeezed her.

“Love is a funny thing sweetie. It’ll make its way to your door sooner or later. Don’t worry about it,”

Bel had to smile at Mom’s pearls of wisdom.

As I’ve said Mom and Belinda began rebuild their relationship. I found them cooking together in the kitchen. My mother didn’t let anyone into her kitchen and there was Bel puttering around in there like an old hand.

“What’s going on?” Dad asked.

“Bel’s making dinner for us tonight, she wants to show us how they cook on the West coast,’’ Mom explained.

Bel just smiled and carried on cooking . The meal she served us was exqusite. We were all wowed by her cooking.

“I need this recipe sis,” I told her over the meal.

Bel shook her head, “No way, it’s top secret. Besides now you have to keep me around so I can repeat this,” she said making us laugh.

A couple of weeks passed, Bel and Bonnie slotted into our lives almost effortlessly. All of us had just started getting used to the idea that Bel and Bonnie existed. Even Dad was gradually coming around to having another daughter. Mom was relaying the information Bel gave her back to him and as he listened to how they spent their days and about Bel’s life in California, he realised his child had done rather well for herself and that having a sex-change wasn’t a sign of mental illness or his fault. As he had accepted that Bel would be a woman for the rest of her days, he concluded there really was no point being upset over something he couldn’t change. Apart from that he also wanted to get to know his child, he’d missed her terribly and he certainly didn’t want to drive her away by being hung up over her change. He admired her courage in pursuing her goals, however odd he thought they were and coming back to them too. She could just as easily have never come back and he was glad she hadn’t done that.

So in the evenings he’d make sure to talk to her or join in the conversations, ask about her views on the stock market seeing as she was an expert and things would flow from there. Dad was a serious conversationalist when he wanted to be and my sister was clearly well read with interesting takes on global events. Listening to them debate things was educational in itself. I certainly enjoyed listening and talking with them. I know Bel appreciated this and one night she hugged him before he went to bed which made Dad smile.

Before we knew it, Dad’s 54th birthday was upon us. Mom had been planning this for a bit now and she was going to have a little do at home. This brought up the issue of Bel, none of us had let our extended family know about her but as we prepared for the party this was the elephant in the room.

One week before the party we’d already had an awkward moment when the local busybody, Mrs. Chatsworth had showed up on our doorstep when Mom was out taking Bonnie for her morning walk. Bel had answered the door.

“Hello there,” Mrs Chatsworth began.

“Hello,” said Bel, vaguely remembering the woman.

“I’m looking for Camille. I have my RSVP for Tom’s birthday,”

“She’s not in at the moment but I can tell her you called. If you’d like to leave then that’s ok too,” Bel insisted.

“Oh okay, I’m sorry but you are?”

“I’m Belinda Masters,” said Bel.

“I’ve seen you around. You must be related to Tom and Camille,” Mrs Chatsworth.

Bel nodded, “Yes I am,” she responded.

Mrs Chatsworth looked her up and down, “If I might ask, are you Meg’s cousin? You look like some of the Master’s girls,”

Bel shook her head, “Meg’s my sister ma’am,” she supplied.

Mrs Chatsworth looked like she had a million questions now but the expression on Bel’s face probably told her not to push it.

“Alright dear here is my RSVP. Please pass it on to Camille,”

“Sure thing ma’am. Have a nice day,”

We had a family meeting that evening. We had to decide what we were going to say about Bel. As much as we happy to have her home, we weren’t sure what the rest of our friends and relatives would say or do about her. We came from a pretty conservative family and part of the country, a county that religiously voted red in every election. It was a place averse to change so much so that I wasn’t in good books with some of my family for dating Jack.

In the end we all decided to go with the truth, Bel existed, she used to be Des and there was nothing more to be said. Mom and Bel continued with their preparations for the party and one occasion Mrs Chatsworth came round as they prepared to drive out to get some drinks and ice for the party.

Bel rolled down Mom’s window.

“Hi Camille, hello Belinda,” she said.

“Hi,” both women responded.

“I didn’t know Tom had another daughter,” she said cutting to the chase.

My mother smiled, “She’s my daughter too Allison,” said Mom, “she’s come down here with her daughter to see us. She’s staying for a while,” she added.

“I didn’t know you had another daughter,”

“Neither did I but it turns out I always had two girls instead of a boy and a girl,” Mom responded, “I’m sorry Allison but we have to go. Can we talk later?” Mom finished which was the cue for Bel to pull out of the driveway.

“Why didn’t you just come out and say it?” Bel asked as she drove off.

“It’ll give her something to think about, nosy witch,” Mom remarked, making Bel smile as she discovered another side to Mom.

Belinda was quite nervous the morning of the party. She had no idea what the rest of her family would make of her and Bonnie. She’d actually told my parents that she wouldn’t mind going to a hotel for the afternoon so as to avoid any awkwardness that would arise from her being there. When Mom and Dad heard this they collectively put their foot down. They wouldn’t hear of it

“No, this is my home and you’re my child. Anyone who doesn’t want you here can go to hell,” Dad told her while Mom nodded.

“We’re not going to hide you,” Mom said, “you’ve been gone for long enough,” she murmured.

Our parents confidence in her inspired her to stay. She took my hand and insisted we had to get ready.

“We need makeovers. Where can we get ourselves done up around here?”

I smiled, “I like your thinking,”

“Mom, you’re coming too,” my sister insisted, “this is my present to Dad,” she teased.

She drove us to a spa in the next county and we had complete makeovers in a couple of hours. I swear that Dad jaw dropped when he saw us. Mom looked years younger. Jack who I’d asked to come keep Dad company that morning whistled as he looked at me and I felt great

“Happy birthday Dad,” my sister smirked, presenting our mother to him

“Wow, you look incredible all three of you, especially you Cami,” he remarked.

Mom walked over to him, "I heard some hunk is having a party here," she said in a vampy tone.

"Hmm you heard right sugar," Dad remarked.

Bel and I giggled as Dad took by her into his arms and struck a chachacha pose with her.

Bel smiled and took Bonnie upstairs so she could change. I followed her there letting myself into her room. She looked at me and held up two outfits.

"Which one?"

"I like that one,'' I replied pointing to a dress on the left.

"Great minds think alike," she remarked.

She slipped out of her clothes and put on the dress.

Bel looked amazing in her Brent Jones jungle print mini dress. A dress that I as an avid fashion follower knew cost close to almost $500. Her wardrobe was full of very nice, bespoke items all of which pointed to a woman of means. Most women would kill for her looks, taste in clothes and bank account. Bel strangely wasn’t too concerned about it. She carried herself with the ease of someone sure of themselves and her place in the world.

I certainly envied that trait of her character and I hoped I could develop that trait by time I was her age.

The first person to arrive was Dad’s brother, Uncle Ben. He pulled into the drive and bounded up to the door.

“Howdy,” he said when the door opened.

Uncle Ben was a big bear of man, standing at 6ft4. He was quite a character, a jovial man who’d lived a very rich life. It went without saying that he was our favourite uncle growing up as he had so many stories to tell.

He gave Dad a strong handshake, their usual greeting. As usual Dad had to wince before my Uncle released his vice like grip. It was a weird ritual between them,

“Happy birthday,” he roared patting his little brother on the back

He turned to Mom, “Are you getting younger Camille?” he teased before kissing my mother’s cheek.

I was engulfed in a hug before I could say anything, “Hello my dear,” he after he easily picked me up and lifted me into the air. I felt like a rag doll in his arms.

He then shook Jack’s hand before noticing Bel and her daughter.

I saw the uncertainty in Bel’s eyes.

“Howdy miss, please excuse my manners. I’m Ben Masters, who might you be?”

“Hi Uncle Ben, it’s me Des,” said my sister slowly

My uncle looked puzzled for a moment, before the penny dropped.

A roar erupted from his chest

“What!”

To be continued

Sydney Moya

© 2016

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part 6-Fallout

"What?"

Uncle Ben looked at a loss for words which was quite novel.

"Is this some sort of joke?" He said looking at us all.

Everyone shook their heads.

"It's not a joke," Dad remarked.

"This is who I am now," Belinda said.

Uncle Ben shook his head before walking towards her. He offered her his hand. Bel looked him in the eye and took the proffered hand. They shook hands.

"Well welcome home I suppose," he declared.

"Thanks," murmured my sister.

"I could use a drink," he said to his brother.

Dad shepherded him to the minibar and poured him a stiff one.

"That went well," I said to no one in particular.

"Who is the little tyke?" Uncle Ben queried, gesturing at Bonnie.

"That's Bonnie. She's her daughter," Mum responded.

"Oh, that's nice," he said a smile plastering his face for the first time since we'd broken the news.

"So you're like that, what's his name. I forget the name. He was in the news for a while,"

Bel shook her head.

"I'm not like anyone. I'm just myself, a woman," she remarked.

Uncle Ben shook his head, "Well whatever floats your boat," he said, "I am glad you're home."

More people streamed into the gathering. Aunt Sandy and Uncle Tim were next. Aunt Sandy was my dad's little sister. She was two years younger than him.

"Hi, happy birthday," she said giving Dad a hug.

"Thanks," said Dad happily.

"Carmen," said my aunt to my mother before pecking her cheek.

"Sandy. I'm so glad you came out,"

Sandy lived 150 miles away which made for infrequent family gatherings

"I wouldn't miss Tom's birthday for anything,"

"You missed the first two," Uncle Ben remarked leading to assorted chuckles.

Sandy went over to her eldest brother and gave him a big hug too but not before punching his shoulder for the wisecrack.

She spotted Jack and me across the room. We went over to greet to her.

"Hi Aunt Sandy," I said with a smile.

We embraced.

"You look more beautiful with each passing day,"she said kissing me on the cheek.

I blushed.

"Hello young man," she said to Jack.

"Ma'am," said Jack politely.

Uncle Tim just glared at us. When I started going out with Jack I realised what a racist he was. He'd always been a bit of an embarrassment with some of his archaic views but I'd never taken him seriously until he'd asked what the hell I was doing dating a nigger.

If I'd had my way he wouldn't have set foot here again but Sandy and Dad were close and he was family.

Jack looked at him, right in the eye and he looked away. Bel came into the room at that moment from the kitchen where she'd been getting a bottle for Bonnie.

It just so happened that everyone looked at my sister and her baby.

Bel looked up and caught everyone staring at her. She looked at Aunt Sandy who looked like she'd seen a ghost.

I remembered Mom mentioning the uncanny resemblance.

"Hi," said Bel, a small smile on her face.

"Hello dear and who might you be?" Uncle Tim.

Bel gave a nervous smile. I wondered how hard this was for her.

I walked to her and placed my arm around her.

“This is Belinda my sister and her daughter Bonnie. You used to know her as Desmond,” I announced.

Aunt Sandy squinted and Uncle Tim looked at us like we’d grown two heads.

“What the heck?” Uncle Tim said his voice loud and unpleasant.

“You’re Desmond, that’s not possible,” Sandy said.

Her kids arrived at that moment. Sandy had two sons and a daughter. Earl who was 25, Mason 23 and Rhiannon who was 20.

“Are you pulling my leg, that’s no way that’s Desmond,” Aunt Sandy said.

Earl, Mason and Rhiannon immediately looked at us.

“She’s telling the truth,” said Bel softly, “I’m Des.”

Rhiannon’s eyes literally bulged out of their sockets while her mouth simultaneously made a perfect o.

You could have heard a pin drop.

Dad spoke up, “Belinda is my daughter. This is her home. I won’t have anyone treating her rudely or trying to hurt her,” he declared.

Uncle Tim looked at him his face reddening.

“You’re actually going to defend this faggot?” he remarked, his tone contemptuous.

Uncle Ben stood up, “Watch your language Tim, that’s no way to talk in mixed company and that’s my niece you’re insulting,” he thundered.

“Fuck that, I’m not going to listen to you defend this shit,” Uncle Tim remarked.

He turned his ire on Bel, “How dare you show up here but I’m not surprised. You people has no dignity, dating a nigger and now a faggot to boot, dammit!” He sneered looking at my sister and I and Jack.

He spat at our feet. I felt myself tremble; it started at my core and worked itself outward. It was pure, undiluted anger. I tried to swallow the hard knot of rage that was lodged in my throat hoping to make it subside but I didn't have enough self-control. I let go of Bel and I moved towards him, furious. No one was going to insult the people I loved like that.

I had half a mind to slap him and who knew what else but Uncle Ben beat me to the punch. He just lost it; he stood up lightning quick and socked Uncle Tim on the jaw.

Uncle Tim was knocked out cold.

My aunt, Rhiannon and Ma screamed while Mason and Earl jumped on Uncle Ben’s back but he shook them off and Dad rushed in to pull them off before anyone else got hurt. The commotion caused Bonnie to start crying and Bel rushed upstairs with her.

Needless to say this wasn't how we'd imagined the party going. Earl and Mason picked up their father and left in high dudgeon, promising to make us pay.

They were as good their word because less than 15 minutes later a patrol car arrived and Uncle Ben was arrested. Mom and Dad soon left to post bail.

Sandy followed them out a short while later clearly torn between her siblings and her boorish husband and brainless boys.

Jack and I held the fort and I was left to entertain the guests who streamed in minutes later and milled around drinking the beer while waiting for my father. Rhiannon stayed downstairs with Jack and I as we valiantly tried to keep it going.

My parents managed to post the bond and get Uncle Ben out. They returned home with him and we managed to salvage the party but Bel stayed upstairs with her baby leaving me with my boyfriend and cousin.

It took a while but my cousin finally approached me. With all the ruckus I hadn't had a chance to say hi and catch up.

"Hi," said Rhiannon, looking a bit wary.

I was still in a no nonsense mood and it must have probably showed on the expression I wore.

My cousin put her hands up slightly in a gesture of non-confrontation.

"Hey cuz," I remarked, smiling slightly.

I realised that she wasn't her dad.

"Dad was way outta line," she said.

I nodded.

"Des is upstairs?"

I nodded, "Yeah but please call her Belinda from now on,"

She nodded.

“Can I talk to her?”

“I don’t know, let me go check,” I answered, not sure if Bel wanted to see anyone.

My sister wasn't in her room when I checked. There was a note on her bed.

"Mags. I need some air. I've taken Bonnie for a walk."

Belinda

I couldn’t believe what I’d heard, had I been in my stealth bubble so long that I’d forgotten what it’s like to be looked at like a vile, disgusting lump of flesh?

‘Why had I come back?’ I wondered after Dad’s party degenerated to violence and insults. I should have avoided the party, I mean after Mags told me that he didn’t approve of Jack, I ought to have guessed what would happen next.

His face had changed from warm and welcoming to one marred by loathing just because I’m different. I couldn’t help but remember how Ross had looked at me when I’d told him, it was the same disgusted look he’d worn when I came out to him, the same that bigot I’d dated had before he started hitting me.

It really hurts.

Maybe that is why I had put it out of my mind.

I would never be accepted by some of the family. I doubt that even Uncle Ben can stomach my change. I didn’t go back to the party. Instead I went upstairs changed Bonnie and walked to a spot in the woodlot behind our sub division.

I don’t know why it had never been cut down and developed but its a little forest in the middle of suburbia, with old oak, pine and ash trees and squirrels I had my own secret little place in there, a large granite boulder, with a nearly flat surface that I used to lie on when I went there.

I walked into the lot, just as before there was very little brush to deter me and I’d changed out of my party dress as I had no intention of partying anymore.

As a kid it’s a spot I used to visit when I was overwhelmed by everything, which was nearly all the time in my latter teens.

I didn’t know why I had the misfortune of being born a boy who was a girl on the inside. Sometimes it felt so terrible I couldn’t function. This was invariably my go to place on those days. My rock was still there. I smiled despite how I felt. Bonnie looked sleepy, as she invariably did after a feed. I sat down and sang her to sleep with a lullaby I remembered from my own childhood.

I smiled at the memory. I had hazy memories of that time just before Mags was born, it had been a happy time for me, times which became increasingly rare as I grew older, I don’t think I’d realized the seriousness of my dilemma back then. I just knew something was wrong but it really turned into a full blown ache when I was about 10 and realized no matter how I wished I wasn’t going to wake up a girl the next morning or ever fall pregnant.

It may have been the saddest point in my life, I was never truly happy again after that realization and puberty just cemented my feelings of depression.

I smiled, things had seemed so bad, so insurmountable back then yet here I was, a woman, carrying my baby. I may not have carried her for nine months but I was her mother. I had more than achieved my dreams and I had come full circle.

Why did I care so much about how I was seen?

I sighed; I didn’t want her growing up here with such toxic relatives around.

I mean I’m glad I’m back as I’d missed my immediate family so much. There had been so many occasions when I’d come quite close to calling Mum or confiding in Mags but the fear they would be like Ross and Uncle Tim and all the people who’d looked at me like I was a freak made me chicken out of getting in touch. I could never abide rejection from these three people.

I had been back once when I made a secret trip back here to watch Mags graduate high school, it had broken my heart to see them but not go talk to them as nothing could have made me come forward at that moment. It had taken losing Ross and having Bonnie for me to find the strength to return home.

My heart never beat as fast as it did except for the day I left home, the night before my surgery and before Ross and I spent our first night together. I’d literally never been so scared.

Their initial reaction left me terrified, I was ready to give up and Bonnie was crying as was I. Like I’ve said I’d never felt so scared. I’d also never felt so alone. I remembered the shocked expressions on their faces and my mother’s gasp. I turned and ran. Which is when Mom surprised me, she ran after me, telling me to wait. When she caught up she just embraced me and we both broke down. She led me back into the house to the sort of reunion I’d always wished for but feared would never happen.

I should never have doubted Mom and Dad, their happy I’m back. They may have been mad about my transition but after my explanation I think Mom came on board. Anything had to be better than me dying. I’ll never forget the expression on her face after I’d jumped in front of that car.

Dad has taken a while to accept it. I think the whole thought of the surgery I had and actually becoming a woman is hard for him to take, especially seeing as I was as he saw it his boy, I think a part of him blames himself like he feels he wasn’t a good enough model for me. If only he knew how much I look up to him and how I ached just to be his little girl with Mags.

I don’t doubt that he loves me too; he even gave me a hug and a good night kiss the other night. I know nothing could ever stop me loving Bonnie. There’s just something special about having a kid, you want only the best for them and if I can feel like that about Bonnie Mom and Dad certainly feel like that about me warts and all. Maybe I should have told them when I was younger but I’m not sure they would have understood it all. I don’t think I could have transitioned here whatever Jack thinks.

I guess there was no other way. Looking back it’s a wonder I actually finished high school without ending my life. I’d been so miserable, wanting so bad to stop being male and be the girl I really was. Every day had been full of torment at how wrong my body was, the terrible envy I felt of the girls at school, of Mags of Jack and how comfortable he was in his own skin.

I’d tried wishing it away by studying, playing sports, heck I’d even used weed once but it just came back stronger than ever. Nothing could make me feel or accept that I was a male.

I instinctively knew no one around here could or would have understood me. I think it was that realization that drove me to the brink and away from my family.

The world has changed since 2005, people like me aren’t on the fringes anymore and if you’re lucky like I was you can live a mostly normal life in some places except where families are concerned.

I love Mags and my parents way too much to ever lose them again but maybe I was dreaming too much, my life isn’t here. I wonder if I can persuade all three of them to move to California. I can imagine the whole neighborhood will know about me by sunset tomorrow.

I just can’t help feeling they will be more like Tim than Ben.

I wish I could say I didn’t care but I care far too much for my family and my daughter. I don’t want Bonnie to grow up hearing slurs about her mother or aunt’s boyfriend.

I didn’t see Bel come back, Dad’s party had been salvaged after all and I’d enjoyed it after the unpleasantness that had marred its start. I had the awkward realization that this may not have been the case had Bel stayed on.

I now knew why she had initially refused to attend.

I suddenly felt a swooping sensation in my stomach as I realized this wasn’t new or unexpected to her. Sure she was rich and beautiful but there would always be that epitaph hanging round her, she used to be Des, a man.

I was dancing with Jack when this epiphany hit me. I instantly felt guilty for enjoying myself while my sister was alone feeling awful somewhere.

I tensed and Jack felt it as led me around the makeshift dance floor.

“What’s wrong?”

“Bel, I can’t believe I’m having fun after what happened,” I confessed.

Jack sighed, “I know,” he murmured shaking his head.

I looked him in the eye.

“How does she deal with that?” I asked.

“How do you deal with it?” I carried on.

Jack shrugged, “I just live, I tell myself not everyone is like that. My best friend was a white guy and my girl is his sister. I mean how do you cope with being a woman and all the sexism? Do you mope or just plod on?” Jack answered.

“I see what you mean, after a while you just get used to it and hope no one does it to you in particular,” I murmured.

“There you go,” Jack answered.

“What about Bel? I mean at least you have people that share your experiences and I can always talk to other women about this being a man’s world. I don’t know anyone else like Bel,” I said slowly, feeling sorry for my sister.

Jack nodded, “It’s more common than you think, when I was in college one of my professors was like her. She ran a campus group for people like your sister. So she’s not alone. She’s got you. I’ve seen how you’ve welcomed her, how you defend her. I know you were this close to beating your uncle.”

Jack smiled. I kissed him

“Why don’t you go cheer her up?” Jack suggested.

“She hasn’t come home yet,”

“She’s upstairs. I saw her sneak back in an hour ago,”

I pushed on his chest.

“You didn’t tell me?”

Jack smiled, “Hey I needed you too,” he laughed, his schoolboy grin lighting up his face and my heart.

How I loved this man.

I kissed him savouring the long, sweet kiss, not caring that my parents weren’t too far from us.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He lifted up my chin, “I love you too,” he said in his deep baritone.

“Call me,” I murmured before blowing him a kiss.

He put out his hands to catch something before bringing the tips of his fingers to his lips and kissing them.

I giggled and turned to go upstairs.

To be continued.

Sydney Moya

© 2016

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

---

---

Part 7-The dance

I knocked on Bel's door.

"Come in," she said, her voice soft.

I entered the room. Bel was sitting up in her bed staring out at the window. I walked up to her.

"Hey," I murmured.

"Hey sis," Bel remarked.

She looked tired and forlorn. I sat down besides her. I reached for her hand and clasped it.

She squeezed back. We didn't need to say anything else.

The fallout from Belinda's revelation was something else. Uncle Tim cut all ties with us much to his wife's annoyance as she thought he should have been more civil to us.

Mason and Earl were mad as hell but we'd never liked the buggers anyway. They had all of our uncle's bigotry and none of their mother’s tact. Rhiannon was torn between both camps as was her mother.

Both of them couldn't get Bel's decision to transition but they were morbidly fascinated by the whole thing. It certainly wasn't something they were going to quarrel with us over and to be honest Bonnie was amazingly cute. They talked to Mom for ages on the phone when they called to apologise for the horrible events of the previous day.

They assured Mom it certainly wasn't something they were going to cut ties with us over. They knew the fault lay with Tim. Sandy promised she would talk to her husband, she let us know she was outraged at his behaviour and didn't blame Ben for socking him.

Mom's side of the family was still in the dark about Bel as she had left the party after the altercation. I don't think Mom knew what to say to them and she was walking on eggshells around Bel for the next few days as she didn't want to upset her further. Dad was the same, hard to read, so I guess only Mom knew what was going through his head.

Bel wasn’t really the same for some days after the incident at our father’s party. She seemed down even though she wore her usual smile. It didn’t extend to her eyes. I recalled what she’d told me about her ex, Ross, how he’d just stopped seeing her as a woman after she’d come out to him.

I had no idea how horrid it had been to listen to Tim’s vitriol. I’d been pretty upset myself at his taunts, there was no telling how she felt. I realised I didn’t know Bel as well as I thought I did, I’d probably never known her.

Despite this I loved her, she was my sibling and from what I could tell a great person. I certainly didn’t want to lose her again so I made sure I was always upbeat around her, smiling, helping with the baby and drawing her into stuff when I came back from work in the hope of not letting her get into a funk and feel out of place.

I think it worked up to a point.

There was some sort of good news later in the week. Uncle Ben didn’t have to face prosecution. We had all braced ourselves for a fight with Uncle Tim but apparently Sandy had talked him into withdrawing the charges for her sake. My uncle was a damn bigot but I have to say he loved my aunt. That wasn’t in doubt, despite all his horrible views, I think it was why Dad and Ben tolerated him.

Family is everything we are always told. Blood is thicker than water, well Uncle Tim wasn’t my blood. Bel, Ben and Bonnie were my blood. I loved Jack without a doubt. I could take the fallout from Belinda's coming out. Not talking to Tim wasn't something I'd lose sleep over.

I doubted there would be much hope for making peace with Mason, Earl and Tim though especially if they didn’t change their views about Bel and Jack. I just knew they were running their mouths somewhere about Bel and Jack. I couldn't care less if I didn't set eyes on them again.

Naturally this would upset my sister though she never said. I know the last thing she wanted was to be cause of division in the family but she wasn’t to blame. I wanted to get her mind off things so I did my level best to cheer up

Later that week I finally coaxed Bel into taking a girls night out with me. I dressed up to the nines and made sure she was too. This was after Mom had reassured her Bonnie would be alright with her.

“You won’t regret this,” I told her as we drove off.

Bel glanced at me, smiled wanly.

“You need to cheer up,” I told her, “and this is just the thing,” I told her.

“Are you sure we have the same mother?”

“Why,’’

“Because my idea of relaxing is my couch and Netflix,” Bel informed me.

“Oh no I have an old maid for a sister,” I gasped in mock horror.

My sister giggled a wry grin on her face.

“Who are you calling old missy?” Bel hollered.

“You, I mean you’re twenty-eight and would rather be in bed right now, if the shoe fits,”

Bel smiled and shook her head at me as she drove

“We’ll see,” she said.

I did see and was forced to eat my words. Bel could party with the best of them, because as soon we entered the club she had me dancing to my shoes off. Boy could she dance, in heels too. I wondered what had possessed my demure sister. I thought she might actually have a second career dancing in Queen Bey videos.

This is from a girl who used to practice dancing in her room every day as a teen.

Yeah she was that good she could break dance and crump with the best of them while completely comfortable in her party dress and 4’’ heels. I could barely keep up, she danced with me and two different guys.

“Can’t keep up?’’ Bel asked me, as I staggered to a table, “It is way past your bed time Missy,” she snarked.

“Okay, okay I was wrong sis. Where did you learn to dance like that?”

“It’s a gift,” she said with a smile.

“I hate you,” I told her as we sat down. She smiled.

“Hate the game not the player,” she said sagely.

I rolled my eyes.

We ordered some drinks I had a fruity cocktail while Bel had a soft drink as she was going to drive us back. It was only a matter of time before Bel starting bumping into people from her past. When she was in school my sister had been a quiet kid, she hadn’t stood out much or anything.

Beautiful women stand out far more than teenage boys though. We were busy looking at the dance floor when someone squealed.

“Megan!”

I turned around and saw the source of the squeal a smile crept on to my face. It was my friend Sharon.

“Sharon,” I said just as happily.

She was an old school friend of mine. We’d been besties in junior high. We’d lost touch when I’d headed off to varsity.

I stood up and hugged her.

“Oh girl it’s been too long,” my old friend murmured.

“Yeah, what’s up?’’ I said taking in Sharon.

She looked great and I told her so. She smiled and joined us at the table.

“Hi,’’ she said to Bel who smiled and said hi back.

She didn’t seem to recognise Bel and my sister didn’t seem bothered.

I forgot my manners and didn’t introduce Bel to Sharon as I didn’t want to out my sister or lie about her either. A couple of seconds later Bel downed her drink and went back to the dance floor.

As I’ve said Bel was gorgeous, she had fantastic style which made for quite the looker. I don’t think she really believed it as she seemed to have a low opinion of her looks. She didn’t seem to get how lovely she was. She certainly wasn’t a bitch about it.

Of course I have been told I’m good looking too and I’m no bitch, at least I hope not so it might be genetic.

That plus her ability to dance certainly ensured she would attract male attention. As hip hop number blared from the speakers, my sister was shaking it for all she was worth. A guy came over and started dancing with her.

This guy was clearly a good dancer too and it was only natural that they dance together. Boy did they dance. They were so good, people actually made a circle to watch them as they one upped each other. Slowly their moves became more suggestive and I opened my mouth shocked my sister was such a tease, seriously I was a stunned I didn’t know my sister was confident enough to do that.

The song drew to a close and the crowd cheered them. I saw Bel and the guy head away to a nearby table.

“Wow she’s good. Do you know her?’’ Sharon asked.

I nodded, “Yes,” I answered.

“You look alike, related?” Sharon asked.

I nodded as I watched Bel laugh at something the dude she’d picked up was saying.

I changed the subject and paid more attention to my friend. We talked over the din before her beau finally came. We exchanged numbers and promised to call each other.

Bel came back soon afterwards with her dance partner in tow.

Belinda

I will admit I was feeling low after Dad’s party. I worried about my past being broadcast to the public. Mags saw right through me and she did her best to cheer me up, as did Mom. She actually sat me down the next morning

“Don’t go sweetheart, please,’’ she told me the next morning, “we love you. Don’t listen to Tim ok.”

I shook my head, sighing.

“I,I,” I began my eyes filling with tears.

She pulled me into her arms giving me a warm hug. I cried for a bit while she held me. It felt so cathartic.

“I’m so tired of people like that,” I murmured.

“I know but your father and I love you, okay,” said Mum, patting my back.

I nodded feeling ten again which come to think of it is the last time I cried in Mom’s arms when Grandma Pattie died.

Dad didn’t say much to me. I didn’t know how to bring up the whole thing and I didn’t want to but I wished he’d say something. I wondered if he was upset that I’d ruined his party and his sister’s marriage.

I was still worried over the next few days about Uncle Ben and if we’d have to go to court and all, it probably showed and Mags seemed to take it upon herself to cheer me up suggesting we go clubbing later that week.

I hate saying no to her, she’s always had this sad look in her eyes if someone disappoints her. It's gut-wrenching. I hope Bonnie never learns that or I’m toast.

When it turned out Tim wouldn’t be pressing charges I breathed a sigh of relief.I also had some good news from Alana, my p.a. The start-up we'd invested in a year ago was about to launch their app. Apparently Barry thought it was an excellent product, our beta testers agreed as well. It looked like it was going to be quite profitable.

That saved my week making me amiable to going dancing with Mags. I didn’t let her think I was too eager to do it and she ribbed me all the way to the club. Inside I was smiling, happy to be with her. My sister is quite a person, I'm a so proud of the young woman she's become. I used to be so scared she wouldn't want me after my transition but she's been great especially on Saturday. I saw how mad she was at Tim. I think she would have gone for him if Ben hadn't done so first. She cares so much which is humbling.

I love the relationship we are developing. She is full of fun and isn't afraid to live life to the fullest. I don't know how I've managed without her in my life for so long.

When we arrived at the club she dragged me to the dance floor. Of course I didn’t tell her I had started dancing lessons in California. It was another of Callie's harebrained ideas to increase my confidence. Turns out I was pretty good at it, I literally saw Mags jaw drop as she tried to keep up with me.

Who is the old woman now, hah!

Of course I didn’t tell her that, I just kept dancing until she called it quits dragging me back to a table.

She was dying to know how I just did that. I just let her stew in her curiosity, enjoying the look on her face.

I teased her just a teeny bit.

Gah! When did I become so competitive?

We had some drinks, while talking about how maddening heels were. I'm taller than most so I don't like being taller but they do wonders for my legs. I look so good in them and I'm a sucker for looking good.

I was feeling quite good at that moment. Imagine my consternation when Sharon Andrews showed up. I immediately recalled her, she was a good friend of Mags when they were younger. I literally froze inside, terrified she would recognise me though I guess I was nonchalant on the outside.

I didn’t feel like that with Jack maybe because we weren't in such a crowded place and I had yet to experience my no good uncle's prejudice. After Dad's party I'd come to my senses and realised this was a redneckish area, was I going to become another stat after Sharon outed me as a dude in a dress in a crowded nightclub. Who would raise Bonnie?

Countless thoughts went through my head.

Thankfully she only had eyes for Mags who was alert enough to deflect. We were operating on a strictly need to know basis nowadays. With my heart pounding I slinked off to the dance floor to avoid giving Sharon fodder-time to have a thorough look at me.

A nice song started, it was Ciara’s, 'Like a boy,' an old favourite of mine. I found myself slowly swaying to the beat. I must have lost myself in the song because before I knew it there was a guy making the same moves, perfectly.

I accepted the unspoken challenge.We went mano a mano, dancing to some upbeat songs. Slowly the dance became more intimate as a more sensual song played but I was enjoying it. I was lost in the moment; he was a very good dancer.

After what seemed like an eternity we finally finished, it was then I noticed the circle of people and the applause. I turned red. The stranger bowed and then offered his hand. For some reason I took it feeling a frisson of excitement as the tips of our fingers touched.

I looked him in the eyes, they were a whirlpool of blue, quite arresting. He gave a wry grin and my tummy did somersaults.

"You are now pregnant with my child. It is the magic of the dance," he said,

I know corny right? Straight from the Simpsons too. But I'm weird like that and I found it funny and his baritone did things to me.

I found myself laughing.

"Lets find a place to sit,'' he suggested, placing his hand on the small of my back.

I allowed myself to be led to a table, aware of how strong he was.

To be continued

Coming Home

©2016

Sydney Moya

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

Part 8

---

---

Belinda

I learnt that my dance partner's name was Javier. He was tall, definitely over six foot two or thereabouts. He had an average build neither small or big with an ordinary face with jewels for eyes.

"It's a pleasure. My name is Belinda," I replied.

He smiled. His smile was easy, warm and extended to his eyes. I liked it.

"Ditto.”

I shook my head slightly, “You’re Belinda too?” I teased.

He chuckled, “You’re funny and you have great moves too,''

"I try,'' I remarked.

His mouth fell open, he shook his head now.

"Yeah right, are you a professional?" Javier asked.

I laughed, "Heavens no, its just fun," I remarked.

He chuckled, "Then you have an interesting life," he observed.

"I doubt it. I haven't danced in ages," I replied.

"Now that I find hard to believe," Javier said.

I giggled a bit like a school girl much to my embarrassment.

"It's true. I just came here to de-stress is all," I explained.

He nodded.

"So where did you pick up those moves?" I asked.

“I got into hip hop dancing as a teen,” he explained, “my mother forced me to take dance lesson’s when I was 7, saying it would come in handy one day.”

"Like today. I met you," he announced, " thanks Momma!"

I shook my head and rolled my eyes and he just laughed. His laughter was a joyful sound and it was contagious. I found myself chuckling with him.

We talked for ages about dancing and all sorts of things.

I found out a ton about him. Javier also had a passion for dancing in his spare time but he was a free lance programmer.

"You don't look it," I immediately said without thinking.

The words just popped out of my mouth. I blushed.

He laughed, "I get that a lot," he remarked.

Yeah he probably did seeing as he was a bona fide hunk. I half expected him to be a personal trainer or something.

I smiled.

"What do you do when you're not dancing up a storm?"

"I work for a hedge fund,"I said.

"You don't look it,"Javier remarked smirking.

"Touché,"

I laughed.

He explained what he did for a living. He consulted a lot but he mentioned some ideas he had for apps which I found interesting.

I was so engrossed I had forgotten about Mags who had to come over and remind me of her existence.

"Hey," she said to us.

"Hi,"Javier nodded.

"Javier this is Megan, my sister," I began.

He smiled. Mags gave a little wave.

"Hi," my sister said.

"Pleased to meet you," Javier remarked, “I see that beauty runs in the family,” he said.

Mags turned red and I shook my head, something that had becoming common around this guy. At this rate swiveling will be my neck’s default setting.

Mags looked at me apologetically.

"I have work tomorrow," she whispered.

I turned red again.

"Sorry," I said in a whimper.

I looked at Javier.

"I have to go," I said definitely disappointed. I hadn't clicked with a guy like this in ages.

Javier seemed disappointed too.

"That's ok. Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow," he offered.

"I'd love to," I said.

I really wanted to talk to him again. I got up and with a sigh followed my sister outside.

"Okay spill," Mags said as soon as we were outside, "you dance like..," she said her mouth open wide.

I shrugged.

"I was having fun which is what you wanted right," I remarked, taking a quick glance at her.

"Not fun like that. I thought you were going to get arrested for lewd behaviour," my sister said.

I grinned happily, "You’re just jealous," I teased.

Mags laughed as we got in the car, "Maybe just a bit. Okay I lie I'm very jealous. I can't believe you girl. You have some great moves," she replied.

"Thanks," I said.

She shook her head, "You never cease to amaze me Bel."

"I aim to please," I chuckled.

"So Javier?" Mags prompted.

"He is cute but his moves are hot," I confessed.

"Who are you and what have you done to my sister?" Mags teased.

“I am the genie who appears when you call Belinda an old maid,” I whispered.

Mags laughed.

What a night! I have never enjoyed a night out so much in my life. I hardly drank but Bel surprised the hell out of me. I had been teasing her about being an old bore but I had to eat my words last night.

Have I mentioned what a fantastic dancer she was?

Bel is saucy, flirty and definitely not as shy as she seems. I watched her bring a bouncing club to a stop and then slink off with a hot guy like it was something she did every day. Sharon who kept following my glances hated her immediately. She had been one of the mousy girls in school and hated the cheerleader types that Bel could easily have been. If only she knew.

“Your friend is such a show-off,” she muttered.

In Sharon’s world that could mean anything from a hussy to a show-boater. I was going with the latter.

“Don’t hate the player hate the game,” I automatically said.

“Puleez!” Sharon announced.

“Who is she anyway?”

“A very good friend, maybe I’ll tell you about her someday. Do you want another drink?” I responded knowing it wasn’t my secret to tell and that plying her with alcohol would probably get her to shut up about my sister.

It worked up to a point.

I turned my full attention to catching up with Sharon while my sister probably flirted with her hot guy. I hoped she was having fun. Before long a couple of hours had passed and every time I looked at my sister she was deep in conversation with her catch.

It sounds like I am jealous doesn’t it? I’m not. I was curious to know who he was, especially after what had happened to my sister with her last man. He definitely looked interesting and he exuded confidence even from afar.

I was loathe to disturb them but I had to go to work tomorrow and my sister was my ride home.

So I stood up and went over after Sharon had made her goodbyes.

Belinda was sitting there enraptured by Javier. She seemed to be listening closely to him. Just looking at them seemed to be interrupting an intimate moment.

I could see why, Javier was easy on the eyes even in the subdued lighting that permeated the club.

I had no choice but to disturb them certain my sister would hate me for interrupting. Bel was actually very apologetic and we left without a fuss though both of them looked dismayed their time together was up.

"You really like this guy don't you?" I asked her as we drove home and I was done teasing her about her dancing.

"I don't know what to think, I did enjoy meeting him," Bel answered me.

They had arranged a lunch date though which got me thinking.

"Are you going to tell him?" I asked.

Bel looked at me, "I don't know. I was having so much fun it didn't even cross my mind,'' she said, a small smile on her face.

"Good," I answered.

I didn't want Bel dwelling on her past or letting it weigh her down like I suspected it had for the past week. I wanted my confident sister back.

"Yeah. It's nice when I can just forget myself for a while," she murmured, "It would be nice if I had just been born a girl.”

I didn’t know what to make of this but I didn’t agree with her.

“You wouldn’t be Bel then, maybe you’d have been Megan,” I told her.

“No, that wouldn’t do then because I can’t be you. You can’t dance,” she teased.

I gave her the middle finger which only made her giggle.

“I love you sis,” Bel said, smiling at me, “you brought me out of my funk,” she murmured.

I would have hugged her if she wasn’t driving.

“I know Bel. I love you too,” I said, my eyes teary.

It wasn’t the wine talking.

She squeezed my hand.

Belinda

Javier was waiting at the restaurant when I got there. He stood up when I reached the table. I was a bit taken aback at his manners. I wasn't used to this back home.

"Hello," he said before offering his hand.

I smiled, pleased to see him.

I gave my hand and he kissed it. 'Wow,' I thought.

"Hi," was all I could say in response.

He pulled a seat for me and I sat down.

"So how has been your day?" I asked.

"Brilliant now that you're here," he told me without batting an eyelid.

He seemed so sincere. I smiled.

"That can't be true," I replied.

"I have just been counting the hours," he returned with an easy smile.

Join the club I thought. I had been a bundle of nerves the whole morning much to my mother’s amusement.

Javier wasn't all charm and no substance though. He was great to talk to. As we had the meal he regaled me with anecdotes from his past. It was a gas. He had my sides splitting with laughter.

We talked about everything including my addiction to TV shows.

"They say it’s the golden age of TV," I remarked, "It's a wonder I ever get anything done."

"Yeah I know the feeling there are lot if great shows and you can tivo anything you can’t watch live now,"

"It has its down side too. It’s killed off promising shows too like Terra Nova for instance," I replied.

"It had promise being a Spielberg film and all," he agreed.

"I hate how it didn't end," I remarked.

"True what else do you watch? Game of thrones?"

I shook my head,

"I don't see what the obsession with Game of Thrones is about. Its just porn and murder."

"It's an interesting story," he remarked.

"Not my cup of tea."

"Okay you still didn't tell me what you like?”

“Have you ever watched Person of Interest?”

“Have I ever? BEST SHOW EVER!”

“Really I think so too!”

You have no idea how nice it was to finally meet a fellow POI addict. No one else I know in the real world seems to find it as interesting as I do. I was trying to get Mag's interested but as you know she didn't respect the art of watching TV.
Javier was a big fan of Person of interest which stoked my interest as it was my absolute favourite tv show.

"Really, I love that show, I hate how CBS treated it,"

"I know. It should at least have a had a full last season,"

We talked about Carter, Shaw, Root, Elias and Finch.

“Did you watch the episode after Carter got killed?”

“Yes, Reese deserved an Emmy for that performance,”

"Yep did you see how clinical he was with those Marshals? Even Finch couldn’t talk him down. "

"Definitely in my top three episodes,"

We talked and talked about the show. Reliving our favourite moments and quoting the lines.

"Eternal Vigilance is the price of liberty always got me," Javier remarked.

I nodded, "But Control, Elias, Greer and Dominic had the best lines. 'National security is not a game!"

"What about, 'Everybody dies. No man is a river?"

I one upped him, "What about the special beat when Greer appear starts talking about Samaritan. And that accent. Loved it!"

Javier quoted the guy in a polished British accent making me laugh.

"The relevant side and Vigilance had the best music though. Very sinister," he remarked

Our meal finished as did the lunch hour while we just chatted away. I had never enjoyed talking to a guy so much. I had found a kindred spirit it seemed. After what seemed like minutes he checked his phone.

“Will you look at the time?”

It was 4:30. OMG, had we just spent three hours discussing a tv show?

“I have to go,” Javier announced.

“Me too” I agreed, thinking of the meeting with a client I had skipped.

I didn’t regret it though. I had enjoyed myself immensely.

“Thank you, I really enjoyed the time I spent with you Belinda,” he said in that sexy gravelly voice of his.

“Same here,” I responded, smiling brightly.

He refused to let me pay and walked me to my car where I didn’t hesitate before kissing him on the cheek. He made me feel so gooey inside. Gosh, I am not a teenage girl but he made me feel like one

I went home on a cloud.

Mom smiled when she saw me.

“How was you date?”

I smiled, “It was just lunch,”

“Well where I’m from when a woman walks in from lunch with a man smiling like a cat that got the canary, she had a great date,” Mom told me.

“It was fun,” I said, trying and failing not to smile.

Mom smiled at me.

“That’s great honey,” she said.

"Mum I like him a lot," I confided,"is it wrong that I want to see him again?"

Mom walked over to me and gave me a hug.

"No it's quite normal," she said softly.

She let go of me then stroked my hair.

"You're beautiful baby. I wish I had seen this part of you years ago," Mom said, sighing before kissing my forehead.

That night I dreamt about Ross. We were in in our apartment, kissing. As he unbuttoned my nightie he stopped kissing me for a moment.

He turned into Javier whose cute smile suddenly vanished. He was looking at me with horror. I was Des again.

My body just felt wrong all over again only this time it was worse than ever.

Tim was there spitting at me while people who appeared from nowhere mocked me and sniggered while Dad looked on, a grim expression on his face as Mom cried, "Son how could you?"

I looked around for Bonnie but I couldn't find her. I screamed for her. Root appeared and pulled out a gun and smiled that evil smile of hers.

"You are just bad code," she said before pulling the trigger.

My eyes opened and I nearly screamed again. This wasn't my house.

Where was my baby? My glance flew to the cot in the corner. Bonnie lay there sleeping peacefully. I sighed relieved and noted I was still a woman.

The next few days confirmed something I had suspected since our club night, Bel was falling in love with Javier. She told me she couldn't stop thinking about him as we sat in the lounge in our shorts having ice-cream on a Sunday morning, while some movie provided the side dish to our conversation. It felt nice to have this moment with her. Mom, Dad and Bonnie had gone for a picnic. Bel felt it was good for her daughter to spend time with her grandparents even though she felt they spoilt her rotten.

So it was just the pair of us. She had been on a third date with Javier the previous night, a Saturday.

I had watched my cool, composed sister panic about her hair, makeup and dress.

“Just chill Bel,” I had told her before helping her make choices with her outfit.

Apparently the date had gone well, too well in fact.

“I told him I’m a single mother and he said that was okay. He even asked to meet Bonnie,” Bel told me.

“And you wanted to jump his bones there and then?” I said with raised eyebrows.

Bel swatted my legs, “No you twerp. You have such a dirty mind but I don’t put out that fast. It was maybe 5 minutes after that,” she said.

I giggled.

“The thing is I like everything he does. He is romantic, has great taste, has empathy, is smart and he is open to dating a single mother.”

She sighed longingly.

“I’m going to have to tell him soon,” she murmured.

“He will be okay with it. He seems like a nice guy,” I reassured her.

“Ross was a nice guy and he was sickened by me,” Bel said, her voice tinged with pain.

I put down my ice cream and placed an arm around her.

“I don’t want that magic to go away, you know,” Bel said quietly.

“I know,” I agreed having been in a couple of relationships before going out with Jack.

That feeling when you can’t wait to see the guy diminishes and you can’t help but see his faults, small at first but ultimately you can't live with them. you discover parts of his personality that you find annoying. It isn’t too long before it sours. With Jack I knew his faults and he knew mine and I still longed to be with him which is how I knew he is the one.

“Bel you’re a girl. No a woman and a wonderful human being. If Javier can’t look past your past he doesn’t deserve to be with you and you’re better off without him,” I told her.

“Why do you love me so much?” Bel asked, “After everything. You don’t think I’m weird or what?”

I looked at her, “Of course you’re weird Bel and not because of the sex-change but you’re my sister and I have always loved you. You have no idea how much I missed you when you left. There were many times I wanted to get on a bus and follow you. And stop questioning it we’re family so I’m not going to bail on you. I love you for you not because of whatever’s going on in your crotch,” I told her.

Bel laughed and flicked her ice cream on my cheek.

“Dirty, dirty mind,”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her. I then picked up a scoop of ice cream

“No, no, no!” Bel yelped

I chucked it onto her hair.

“Megan!”

I hugged her to prevent a food fight the way a boxer does to his opponent when he can’t roll with the punches. Bel giggled and I joined in.

“You’re a witch!”

“I know but you started it,” I told her.

I let go and took out my phone for a selfie.

Bel made a silly face as did I and we took a picture of us. I printed it the same day. It has pride of place on the wall in the lounge now.

“Let’s go to London,” Bel said out of the blue, “take some time off. Maybe a week. Just the two of us?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Bel remarked.

“I’d love to but I can’t afford that,” I replied.

She waved me off, “Don’t even worry about that. My treat,” she said.

“Okay, I’ll find out at work,” I returned.

Belinda

I was happy again. Mags and I were going to England together and I couldn’t wait to show her around. She was rapidly becoming my best friend which was how it should be. We were sisters after all. Then there was Javier. I didn’t want to jinx it but I was falling for the guy. Mom and I were closer than ever which warmed my soul. I don’t know how it had happened but Dad’s party had changed everything between us. She wasn’t scared of mothering me anymore and it was thanks to these three that I put Tim out of my mind.

There was Dad too. We had a complicated relationship at the best of times but I felt he was holding back. I needn’t have waited too long to find out.

Dad wasn't too enthused about me seeing a guy. He looked like it disturbed him a bit. The excitement of Mom cooing at my appearance and my sister telling me I needed to look less or more hot in colourful terms wasn't something he shared or seemed comfortable with. Whenever I caught his eye he didn’t seem what can I say, accepting isn’t the right word. He had opened his doors to me but he had a way of making me feel like I was doing something wrong without saying a word just by his gaze, short as it was. It was a feeling I knew all to well from my childhood and it still had the power to make me question what I was doing.

I said nothing but it was only a matter of time until it came to a head. It wasn't like I was 12 anymore and would automatically back down in fear of his disapproval.

I saw Javier again on Monday evening. Neither of us could stay away from each other but I still hadn’t told him my story. When I came home I found Dad waiting up for me.

I smiled at him.

"Hey Dad," I said

"Hello, did you have fun?"

I nodded, "Yes we went to Mario's. It was quite nice,"

Dad nodded. He looked me in the eye, "You like this guy don't you?"

No beating about the bush then.

I nodded sheepishly, a bit embarrassed.

Dad stared at me before sighing. "Do you have to like men? Don't you think that's wrong given you used to be one?"

My heart fell. I wanted to run to my room. The way he said it.I was so hurt and a bit ashamed. I couldn't stomach his disappointment.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

"Dad I can't help how I feel," I said softly, "I'm sorry I couldn't be the son you deserved."

"I didn't mean it like that,"

"Then how do you mean it?" I asked.

To be continued

Coming Home

©2016

Sydney Moya

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

Part 9

---

---

Belinda
He remained silent.

"I wish I could have been happy being a man dad for all our sakes but it wasn't me, I hated all of it with every fibre of my being. I couldn't stand my own body. Do you know how horrid that feels? Waking up and feeling everything about you is a lie, disgusted by your body. Every single day of your life; during every in between moment. Knowing you should be a girl because you have all the feelings girls have. It hurts so bad,"

I was crying now, “I like guys Dad. I can't help how I feel okay."

I hate that my body used to be like theirs and I would give anything to just have been a normal girl but this is the best I can do. Maybe I should just give up and get ready to be alone for the rest of my life," I managed to say.

"Darling I'm sorry," he murmured

Dad reached for me. I lost it.

''I just wish you would look at me differently," I sobbed.

"I love you,” Dad murmured, “I worry about you but I only want the best for you. In my head you left ten years ago and came back a girl. It's hard for me too. Getting used to the idea I have two girls and what that means."

I pulled apart a bit, "It doesn't mean I am a different person,"

There was a pained look in his eyes.

"But you are. I had no idea about what you were going through. I feel like I failed you. You suffered right in front of me and ran away from home because of it. Now look at you. I don't know this person you have become and it scares me. You are this confident, successful woman and I have no idea how that person came from my baby boy,"

I saw a tear fall from his eye.

I gave him a hug.

"I wanted to tell you."

He nodded.

We sat down on the couch.

I started talking about the time when I was five and found out that I was going to be a man when I grew up. I told him how even at that age it didn't add up.

"As a kid you always knew you were a boy right?"

He nodded.

"I just knew I was a girl too even though everybody said I was a boy. It was confusing and no one seemed to feel the way I did. When Mom explained to me about girls and boys around the time Mags was born she said I would grow up to be a big strong man something inside said no that isn't right. I should be a Mommy.

As a child I was happy enough. You know I loved playing with Mags and Matt and Lucy the (neighbouring kids). Everything was simple enough. I could forget how I felt most of the time even though I'd pray that I would be a girl the next morning. I knew better than to tell anyone but Mags as she was too young to care. Kids my age were already picking on each other for the smallest things. Being a boy wanting to be a girl was never going to be acceptable. I dressed up in Mom’s clothes every once in a while. I think she thought Mags was doing it but she never caught me.

"Oh she knew but we ignored it. We figured you would grow out of it. I remember doing it with your aunt when I was 5." Dad replied.

My eyes went round, "Really,"

I was a bit surprised he used to dress up as a kid.

Dad nodded, “It’s just one of those things,” he shrugged.

I shook my head, it wasn't so clear cut to me back then. I didn't get why I was a girl who had to be a boy.

“It made me feel better. I stopped as I got older because I realized it wasn’t acceptable. The feelings of being a girl only became worse as I entered puberty. I wanted to tell someone so bad but I feared how people would take it. So I just kept inside, trying and wishing I would come to like being a boy. That didn’t work because I became more depressed the more time passed without my feelings being sorted out. When I couldn’t handle it I decided dying had to better than this. After that man missed me I knew I could never end my life, so I began planning how I was going to change,”

Tom

When Belinda first showed up I was stunned beyond words, imagine a beautiful young woman with a baby claiming to be your long lost son. A son you haven’t seen for 10 years I might add. On top of that she had a baby.

After the initial shock wore off she told us why she’d left.

I couldn’t believe it and I was very hurt, what had I done wrong that my son didn’t want to be a man? Had someone abused him?

Belinda explained about her depression and her suicidal feelings and I had to admit I would rather have her like this rather than six feet under. Since I didn’t want her to leave I did my best not to show how upset I was.

I couldn't fathom being a woman or wanting to be a woman. If you were born one then fine but getting cut up on purpose so you could be one when you were a man just didn't sit well with me. How does one live with that? It was beyond the pale.

My heart broke when Des said he had never felt like a man and nearly committed suicide. No doubt I was upset, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my son had ruined his life. What kind of a life had he chosen?

Then he had explained that he was for all intents and purposes a woman and would never change back. He told us he liked men. How his own maleness had sickened him, the discomfort he felt.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. This was too much but I held my tongue in the hope we could find out more about our kid. The last thing I wanted was to drive away my child. Ten years had been far too long.

Carmen shared my worries at first for a few weeks afterwards. She would tell me that it was so hard to reconcile Des with Belinda. Her baby boy was now a grown woman and a mother too.

Despite this we were both pleased to know our child was alive and relatively well and we resolved to let her stay as long as she wanted. After all she was our child, and Bonnie was our granddaughter.

I watched my wife and daughters bond, Carmen and Megan spent every free second with Belinda. I saw the cloud that had hung over my wife since we’d lost touch with Des disappear.

Every night Carmen would regale me with stories about our eldest 's life. That’s how I learnt she had two homes, a master’s degree and a sizeable bank account. I also discovered she’d had a heart broken by some man which made the hairs on my neck bristle.

Apparently they had lived together for two years before he broke up with her upon finding out she was born male. I hated the guy on principle but was thankful he hadn't harmed her physically.

"They were living together?" I asked my voice strained.

I wasn't sure I liked the implications of that.

Carmen nodded, "Yes for two years," she explained.

Carmen looked into my eyes, "I know what you're thinking Tom. Bel is a woman hon. I had my doubts but I've been watching her. I can't explain it but I don't doubt her anymore. She is a girl."

I said nothing, didn't voice my doubts to her. She had clearly accepted Bel as her daughter and was happy.

I couldn't say the same for myself but who was I to throw mud in her milk.

I didn't know what to make of Bel dating men but I worried it would endanger her when they inevitably found out.

The odd bit was Bel was beautiful. You wouldn't mind if your son brought along a girl that looked like she did home. For me it was strange. My son had become that girl. Nothing about her seemed contrived though. She definitely favoured my mother and sister and acted just like a woman. Her voice and mannerisms were perfect. She never appeared with a hair out of place. There was no sign she hadn't always been that way. I think she could have been a model.

Gone was the shy teenage boy who hardly smiled. He had been replaced by a confident lady. It was jarring to say the least. I wasn't sure I could get used to it.

Still some things hadn't changed, Mags still worshipped her sibling, it was like they had never been separated and she didn't mind that her brother was now a girl too. I could see the affection they shared and it warmed my heart.

Bel hadn't lost some of her old traits. She still rubbed her forehead when deep in thought and was a stickler for cleanliness and setting things in their proper place. She still had excellent manners as well to my delight. It was nice to see she hadn't changed completely. I mean she could have been a druggie with tattoo's everywhere so one has to be thankful for small mercies. She was too strong to look for answers in substance abuse.

Then there was Bonnie. I loved her from the moment I picked her up. She was so precious, her smile could melt the coldest heart. I don't care how Bel conceived her. She was the child of my child and I didn't want her ever to leave or grow up. I couldn't help but see how Belinda was devoted to her. I realized my kid had grown-up which made me loathe to tell how her to run her life. It did look like she had done pretty okay without our help which hurt a little. She could just as easily have stayed in California but she wanted her child to meet us. I respected that and would always be grateful.

I worry about my kids all the time. After Tim's behaviour the other day I was even more worried about what people would make of Bel. So far there hadn't been any thing. Whenever Ben called he would politely ask about the family but he never said anything about Bel in particular which suited me just fine. I was not up to her story yet. Our neighbours were also in the dark but I worried it was only a matter of time till people found out and began talking and who knows what else.

Ben told me no one would harm her but I still worried. I stayed up and waited whenever either of the girls went out.

Now Bel was dating a man she'd met at a night club with Megan which made me worry.

I sat there waiting for her, my mind filling with horrid images of what might have happened to her.

When she walked into the house my heart beat a little less faster.

Bel was hearing some sort of mini dress and high heels. She looked stunning which left me a bit proud and worried at the same. I knew she was going to break someone's heart soon enough but I only cared what would happen to her once that happened. The men I know are generally simple people and most of them would have a hard time comprehending her story. I don't want people lashing out at my child.

She smiled, that grin had been the same from the she was a babe in arms.

It always melted my heart, I did my best not to smile. It would hardly do, I don't approve of this Javier fella for her sake.

"Hey Dad," she said.

"Hello, did you have fun?"

She nodded, "Yes we went to Mario's. It was quite nice,"

Nice in what way I thought.

I nodded.

I had to know if she was serious about this boy, "You like this guy don't you?"

Bel nodded wearing another look from years gone by. I remembered seeing the same look when I caught her with some candy I had forbidden her from eating when she was eight.

There was no hiding how she felt about this Javier. Dammit couldn’t she see this wasn’t California? If her own uncle could spit on her what would a random man do when he found out her past?

I stared at her before sighing. "Do you have to like men? Don't you think that's wrong given you used to be one?"

I regretted it the instant the words left my mouth. I had only wanted to warn her not to hurt her which was clearly what I had done. Her face fell. Gone was the cheerful girl thanks to me. I prayed she wouldn’t leave again because of my stupid mouth.

Darn why had I said that?

I saw a tear roll down her cheek.

"Dad I can't help how I feel," she said softly, "I'm sorry I couldn't be the son you deserved."

My heart broke as I listened, her voice was shaky, she was clearly fighting back tears.

"I didn't mean it like that," I muttered

"Then how do you mean it?" Bel asked.

That was a damn good question.

Belinda

“What happened in California?”

I sat there dumbfounded.

I had no idea how to even answer my father’s question. How had the last ten years gone? I would have to write a book to even begin to explain to anyone.

I had made a lot of mistakes, had so many regrets especially regarding my folks.

Still I had been fortunate.

"I can't even begin to tell you," I told him, running my fingers through my hair.

Dad gave a wan smile.

"Just try," he murmured.

I nodded and proceeded to tell him a potted version of what I had been doing since the day I left home.

I told him about starting my transition, finding a job that paid enough to support said transition.

How hard it was till I met Callie and she led me to Barry and Mark. How scary living as a woman was after 18 years of being a guy.

I told him how exciting it was to see the changes brought by the hormones and the pleasure I felt when I looked in the mirror and saw my body becoming how I had always felt it should be, a feeling dampened by the belief that it wasn't happening fast enough.

To his credit he didn’t seem discomfited by my words.

I told him how people sometimes took second glances at you as they tried to figure you out which made you want to redouble your efforts so you could pass 100%

How much I missed home but had no idea how I would even tell them what I was going through. How easy it was to just stay out of touch.

Dad sat there and listened.

I told him about my first date and how excited I had been and how that ended in tears when I shared my history.

I could see the pain in his eyes as I told him how I had been beaten for being trans.

I told him about my work with Barry and Mark, how challenging I found it. Learning to code was amazing and it was nice to build something.

I told him how I had decided to take online undergrad classes to better my options.
 
Tom

Belinda opened her heart to me that evening. I listened as she narrated her life story. I found all of it interesting and some of it painful especially when she told me about her first date and how it ended.

I wanted to throttle that s.o.b so bad but it got worse when she told me about Ross Burns. She had made a fortune with her bosses and had all the surgeries that had left her happy with her body for the first time in her life.

"I can't explain it Dad. I felt whole like a person for the first time. I was so happy. I wasn't disgusted by how I looked anymore," Belinda said with a sigh.

Hearing about her surgery made me squeamish. I couldn't imagine willingly going under the knife in my groin or my face.

Still I couldn't miss the satisfaction on her face as she explained the joy she felt at having the 'correct' body.

I found myself feeling happy too. How couldn't I be? My child had been carrying a burden that had driven her to her to try and take her life. She had finally overcome that and was overjoyed. I couldn’t help sharing her joy even though a part of me mourned all the things she would never know about manhood, fatherhood and being a husband. I knew it wasn’t fair because I didn’t regret that with Megan but I still felt an acute loss because Bel had been my son and realized that son was gone and my heart ached at his loss.

I would never tell her that though.

"I wanted so bad to get in touch but I convinced myself you would hate me for what I had done. So I stayed in Cali and carried on with life."

"We would have been mad but we'd never hate you," I replied.

Nothing could make me love my children less, nothing.

Bel sighed, "I know that know thanks to Bonnie. I can't imagine hating her," she remarked.

I smiled.

She explained how having achieved her dream everything else soon fell into place. She bought a house and met someone.

A man much to my chagrin but looking at her it made sense. Bel wasn't a man and she assured me she'd had never liked girls romantically. If I accepted her as my daughter I had to know she would like men like Megan.

"I fell in love. Ross was my everything. He made me laugh. He was sweet and sensitive yet strong. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We moved in together and it was wonderful. He made me a woman," said Bel blushing slightly.

Listening to her I realised that I now knew deep down Bel should have been born a girl.

She sounded just like her sister after she met Jack.I can't think of a man who would feel that way about a man. I didn't know any gay men but the vibe she gave out said woman.

"There was a cloud on our relationship from the get go though. He introduced me to his family but I couldn't do the same. I always told him I didn't want to talk about you guys and I think he inferred that you had done something bad to me."

That hurt a lot.

"Was that the time you stopped calling?"

We had lost touch with Des after that. Bel told me she had changed numbers after moving in with Ross so we wouldn't accidentally call him.

She still wrote from a post office box address. She had told us she worked out of network range. Camille had been sick with worry. Megan had lived for those post cards. I wondered what I'd done wrong to drive my kid away every day.

She looked at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry Dad."

There were tears in her eyes.

"I was so stupid," she murmured.

I squeezed her hand.

"None of that now honey bunch," I reassured her.

I was just glad to have her home.

She described her relationship with him.

"I thought he was the one. I fell deeper for him every day and I so wanted to tell him my secret. Everyone who knew said to tell him but I have never been great at sharing my secrets.”

She sighed, sounding like her mother.

“I badly wanted to but I wasn’t prepared to find out his reaction. Things went well for two years and we were happy. One day Ross made dinner and as were eating I found an engagement ring in the dessert. He wanted to marry me,”

“I knew I had to tell him then. So I did. He stood up and left, came home hours later drunk. He wouldn’t talk to me for a week. When he did talk he said he was willing to give it a whirl. I did my best to show him how much I cared but it wasn’t enough because a few weeks later he left me. He said I wasn’t a woman to him anymore,” Bel said fighting back tears.

I reached for her and embraced and she cried onto my shoulder.

“Shh,” I murmured, stroking her hair, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. He was a fool,” I told her.

“Is that why you don’t want me to date guys? I don’t want to die alone Dad,” Belinda said still sobbing.

My heart broke as I held my beautiful girl. Life was so unfair.

“I want what you and Mom have,” she murmured.

To be continued

Coming Home

©2017

Sydney Moya

Synopsis

A man left his home town years ago as a teenager. Now he returns but is very different from the person who left years ago.

Part 10

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I noticed a new rapport between Dad and Belinda that week. Bel had finally won over Dad, the last holdout in the family. They seemed to get one another better it seemed. I had no idea what had passed between them to make that happen but I was happy for them.

Of course I asked her what had happened. She told me that they had a heart to heart the previous night.

“He wasn’t comfortable with me seeing Javier,” Bel told me.

“Really,” I said surprised a bit. I mean Belinda was 28 and she had a kid.

Then I realized he hadn’t let go of Des.

“Shit,” I murmured.

Bel nodded, “How was he when you first started dating?”

I shook my head, “Very uptight,” I said recalling how much Dad had terrified the first boy I brought home when I was 15.

“He was worried about me dating a guy given my past and I just broke down. We talked and I told him why I am the way I am. I think he gets me now,” Bel remarked, “He wants me to bring Javier over.”

I hugged her, knowing how much this would mean to my sister.

“I am so nervous,” Bel told me.

“I know, you worry they won’t like him but Mom and Dad are cool. All they want is for you to be happy,”

“I know but I’ve never done it before and it’ll just be weird for me,”

“Weird how, I’m sure they want to meet this guy you like so much. The biggest thing is you’re sharing your life with us again and this is a bonus,” I remarked.

Bel nodded.

“I have to tell him before he comes here or it’ll be awkward,”

I didn’t envy her at that moment. I squeezed her hand.

“You’re the strongest person I know sis,” I murmured.

“I wish,” Bel said with a wry smile.

“So how and when will you tell him?”

“Hopefully not in this life,” she joked trying to sound light hearted.

I appreciated her efforts at least she wasn’t letting this get her down.

“Come on. When you tell people what is their general reaction?” I asked my eyes searching her face.

“It depends on who they are. Callie was okay with it from day one. It wasn’t any issue with her at all. She handled it great. Barry and Mark had a few questions about the process but they were respectful. It helped that they had never seen me as boy so that didn’t cloud their perceptions of me.”

She looked quite thoughtful for a bit her face a mask, “Well you know how it turned out with Ross and Spencer. Uncle Tim and Spencer are how I have always feared people would react but Ross’ reaction was the worst. When you love someone they should never look at you like that,” Bel remarked, sounding sad.

She sighed.

“I just have to bite the bullet and get on with it,” she added a bit morosely.

“I’m sorry this is even necessary sis,” I murmured.

Belinda

Callie my best friend back home got a chance to call me for the first time since after I’d arrived here nearly a month ago. We should have got in touch sooner but life got in the way.

Still it was a pleasant surprise to see her picture light up my screen that morning.

“Hi Callie!” I shrieked, overjoyed.

“Bel, what gives? You haven’t called since you reached there. You haven’t been on Facebook or Instagram either doll. You just text,what gives,” she admonished.

“I know, it’s been hectic with my family and everything but it’s great to hear from you,” I apologized.

"I hear you and I shouldn’t be hassling you. You haven’t been home for ten years. I guess you had a lot of catching up to do,” Callie remarked.

“Damn straight,” I told her.

My friend laughed, a sound always made me smile.

“So girlfriend," Callie stated, "how is it? I miss you and Bonbon," she said.

My smile grew wider.

"I know. We miss you too. How are you keeping?"

Callie and I went way back. Back when l was a callow youth fresh off the bus, naive, scared and just beginning my transition, Callie had been a lifesaver helping me get the hang of being a young woman in today’s world.

She was the first person I had trusted with her identity and I had never regretted it.

Callie had clocked me within moments of us meeting at a clinic but it hadn't scared her off. I don’t know why I opened up to her. In fact she had asked a lot of questions but she'd been cool with the idea someone could feel they were supposed to be the opposite sex. She told me I didn't give off the same vibe guys did so she had believed my assertions. I could feel her empathy. Callie had sensed the pain I was in and I felt a kinship with her. It didn’t take much for her to want to help were she could.

It was a friendship built on navigating life in our twenties together helping each other up after falling and enjoying life. I would never forget how she’d helped me in the run up and aftermath of my surgery. I’d been scared to death and she’d come through for me when I had no else to turn to.

I know Callie loved me like her sister. We were pretty close and she had advised me to let my family know who I was from day one. I had refused for years coming up with one excuse after the other until I had Bonnie.

"I'm ok. Rob went to LA. Work sucks and I'm bored to death with you not around. I hadn't realized how much you fill up my calendar," Callie said sighing.

l giggled knowing it was impossible for the force of nature known as Callie Thompson to be bored.

"Yeah right," I said rolling my eyes.

"So give me the lowdown. We haven't talked for a bit. Is your family okay with the new old you? I can't believe they wouldn't be. You're rich, beautiful and have a lovely baby," Callie remarked.

l smiled, my friend had a way of spinning stuff. She made it all seem so simple.

"Why is being rich and beautiful on your list?" I remarked, "You just like me for my money don't you?" I teased

I liked being well off and was happy with my looks but that wasn't the sum total of Belinda Master’s. I was a human being with hopes and dreams like everyone else.

"I am rolling my eyes honey. If you don't like it give me that moola!"

I laughed.

"So what gives?" Callie opined.

"They all love Bonnie and they seem glad I'm back. They don't loathe me and I've hit it off with my sister."

“That’s fantastic. I told you so. What else?’’

I rolled my eyes too and sighed wondering why I could never fool her, “I've met someone too,”

"Oh be still my beating heart!" Callie exclaimed, "Tell me everything," she demanded.

“How did you meet?”

“I went clubbing with Megan,”

“OMG my dancing queen is back! You guys are really living it up aren’t you?” Callie responded to hoots of laughter from me as she recalled the name she’d given me when we started dance lessons all those years ago and I turned out to be a natural.

I told Callie all about my last month. Gosh had it really been that long. It felt like a few days.

I told her about how I'd nearly chickened out when I first arrived. How Mom had chased after me and stopped me from leaving.

How I realized I had missed my family, every single one of them and how much it meant to me that they knew and we were getting to know each other again. My friend was ecstatic.

"I won't say I told you so but no one who raised a girl like you could have a heart of stone," Callie remarked.

After my talk with Dad, things at home settled. That nervousness and discomfort I had felt before was gone. I felt he got me and who I was. I had no doubt he cared and understood in his own way what I had gone through which was fantastic. I was finally his daughter, it made me so happy.

He did ask to meet Javier of course after telling me to be careful with him.

I agreed but thought it best to let him know about my past. Talking to Dad had given me the courage to accept that I couldn’t make everyone accept me but that those who truly loved me would.

So I decided to tell Javier my story the next time I met him. It happened to be a few days after my heart to heart with my dad.

I was nervous maybe because I've always found it hard to let people in and Javier was someone I wanted to let in.

He was smart, funny, irreverent and just got me which tickled me silly.

I intended to introduce him to my parents, which was scary too. Mom and Dad had never met anyone I dated but I had high hopes for them. I know they only wanted the best for me and that they’d like Javier too.

I had to decide if I would tell him before he met them and thinking about soured my mood a bit. Coming out was always hard and in my experience it got harder all the time. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him to not tell him so he could know what he was getting into.

‘You are a catch!’ Callie had told me one too many times but it never sank in. I was just me, nothing to write home about I kept telling myself. Why would anyone want me especially since I had this huge secret like a black hole that threatened any and all relationships I made.

I looked into the mirror, seeing my reflection. I smiled just a teeny bit. I loved how I looked to be honest. Of course I was a catch and if Javier didn’t like how that came about well it was his loss.

He had called me and asked if we could have a late lunch again.

Would I ever! I had to bring Bonnie too as Mom was at work and she was just about the only person I trusted with my baby around here. Mother’s are a godsend. She’s taught me so much on childcare in the short time I’ve been here. I hadn’t realized how much I have missed her until I got back here.

I dabbed at my eyes as I pulled out of the yard. She’s helped me so much with everything from Bonnie who she loves to bits to just showing how much she loves me no matter how I look.

I never expected this much from her when I came back.

She’s my hero.

Javier was waiting for us at Sherry’s. I can’t believe I am back here especially after teasing Mags and Jack about it but it was Javier’s idea. He told they make great burger's just as Jack said.

“Hey,” he stood as I approached with the stroller.

He gave me peck on the cheek and looked at Bonnie.

“Hi cutie,” he said with a smile, “you must be Bonnie,” he said smiling brightly.

Bonnie smiled back and waved her tiny hands.

I can’t help but giggle. I was scared she wouldn’t like him. Bonnie is a shy girl and doesn’t take to new people easily except with Mum, Dad and Megan for some reason, she adores them. It is important to me that she likes him as she is my number one priority.

I maneuvered her into the booth before seating myself.

“So, how have you been keeping?” Javier asked a smile still on his face.

I took everything I had not to sigh, that grin of his is devastatingly handsome and I can never get enough of it.

“I’ve been great,” I said to him, finding myself smiling back.

“You have a beautiful daughter,” he told me.

“Thank you, she makes my life so much better,” I said, looking at my little darling, “it’s like my life was meaningless without her,” I remarked.

And it was. I thought my surgery would be how I divvied up my life as in before surgery/after surgery but Bonnie changed my world. Don’t get me wrong, in its own right my surgery was a game changer, but Bonnie filled a hole in my heart I never knew existed. After I had her, everything changed. That was when I realized what was truly important in life and it had led to this place.

Javier nodded. I hope he can get what I said and that I am not being sanctimonious but the next one came out of left field. It was a question he didn’t ask when I told him I had a baby.

“Where is her father?”

This is a difficult question and it’s one I am not ready to answer truthfully at least not today even though I had planned to get everything out in the open.

“He isn’t in the picture,” I murmured.

“Oh,” he said, at a loss for words.

I hate the pause in conversation, when I first told him I had a child he hadn’t asked about the father then. Now he wants to know which is okay but and I am acting like he just asked me to pass an act of congress.

‘No I don’t want this,’ I thought.

I feel the need to bridge the silence and give him some idea of what is going on.

“I never met him to be honest so I got a donor because I wanted a child,” I explain hoping he can understand.

He nods, strangely he didn’t look perplexed. I would have given a million bucks to know what was on his mind in the that moment but I don’t want to look needy.

Yay! I guess, I so want this guy to like me and yet why do I feel so rotten inside. I should just come out and tell him the truth instead of obfuscating it.

“I can get that,” he said looking at Bonnie and smiling.

‘I am such a tool,’ I thought.

We ordered and talked about other things. He told me about his current project which was interesting to say the least and I was engrossed. Bonnie was a little angel, she just sat there looking and smiling to herself and didn’t cry.

The best part was near the end when an elderly couple passed by and spotted the three of us.

“You have a lovely family young man,” said the old man.

“Beautiful,” said his missus.

“Mighty fine,” said the old man nodding his head, “I remember when I was your age. You look after them good, boy,” he instructed with the gravitas and dignity only old age can bring.

Javier smiled and shook his hand, “Thank you sir,” was all he said which made my heart soar.

After they left we looked at each and smiled.

“It would be nice to get to that age,” I murmured

“Only with the right person,’ said Javier softly.

He reached across the table and took hold of my hands.

“Belinda, I like you a lot,” he said, his voice sounding nervy for the first time ever.

“I like you too,” I admitted.

“Is there anyone else, back in California?”

I shook my head, “What about you?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No,”

He swallowed, “Will you be my girlfriend?” sounding like a high school kid.

I nodded though I was just as nervous. It's a feeling I imagine schoolgirls know all too well around boys they like.

“There is lots you don’t know about me,” I replied.

“It’s the same with me and we have all the time in the world to get to know each other. So what do you say?”

“Only if you will be my boyfriend,” I heard myself respond.

Javier grinned, before kissing the back of my hand.

As you can guess I didn’t tell him about my past that afternoon but I did manage to give him an invitation to dinner at my parents over the weekend.

I knew I still had to tell him, sooner rather than later but I was happy. I dare anyone to be miserable after spending time with Javier; he is a warm, charitable person and just lifts me. So Bonnie and I went home, where I started that evening’s meal while I danced along to some upbeat tunes on my tablet as Bonnie watched fascinated.

I smile to myself, I’m sure she’ll think I’m a dork one day but that day is far away.

Camille

I having been hoping Tom would sort out his angst about Belinda’s transition and it finally happened this week. I am so happy. I think Tom has been hurting and worrying about why Bel did what she did. Thankfully they have talked it out and well things have changed around here.

Bel isn’t walking on a tightrope around her father anymore. When Tom is around she tended to become more withdrawn and less chatty. I’m sure she thinks I haven’t noticed but I could always tell she wasn’t entirely comfortable around him nor that Tom hasn’t fully opened up.

I knew things had changed when they came down for breakfast and Bel hugged him and he hugged her back. I didn’t have to be told to know something had passed between them.

Of course I am delighted with this. Things have been hard but love has won out in the end. We have our family back, three darling girls and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I am so happy Bel and I have a great relationship, it’s wonderful to know I have a daughter like her, she’s sweet and loving and we are becoming close. She recently met someone who is very interested in her and the feeling is mutual. I know she is worried about him rejecting her like her last boyfriend did but at least she hasn’t given up on love. No one should ever give up on that especially at her age.

I will never forget her telling me,

“I’m thankful for everything but it just feels like no one will love me for who I am.”

My heart broke at those words. I can’t fathom how hard her life has been because of this. It makes it difficult to connect with others because you always worry that when they find out the journey you took to being the person you are involved a sex change it will put them off.

I found her home with Bonnie when I knocked off from work. She had already started that evening’s meal and was dancing about in the kitchen to some music and singing to Bonnie who watched her looking fascinated.

I smiled, remembering doing the same thing with Bel. The circle of life, Bel blushed on seeing me.

“Oh hi Mom,” she said before turning down the volume.

“Don’t stop on account of me,” I said smiling, “show me some of those moves Megan has been raving about,”

Bel smiled and played ‘All night long’ by Lionel Richie

I laughed and clapped my hands, how could she remember that? I used to dance to that when she was just a baby.

“Come on Mom,” said my daughter as she danced.

She pulled me in and we danced together as we laughed till the song was over. Belinda looked at me with those big baby blues. She smiled and it warmed my soul.

Nothing beats seeing your child happy, it has to be the greatest feeling a parent can get.

To be continued

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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

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Chapter Two
 
“What?” said Connie, surprised, “Why?”

“Whoa? What’s with the attitude? Can’t a girl visit her brother?” returned Gina.

“Of course she can but what I mean is you’ve never shown the slightest interest in visiting before,” remarked Connie.

“Yeah, sorry about that Dave, I know I haven’t been the most supportive sister but I’m trying to fix that so give a girl a break,” Gina answered.

“What about school?” asked Connie, vaguely aware that her sister ought to be at school or something.

“Semester’s over,” Gina chirped, “so I thought I’d drop by and see you unless you want to remain in splendid isolation coz that’s the vibe you’re sending me.”

“Of course not,” said Connie, indignant.

“Then give me your address and the directions to it,” replied Gina.

Connie realised she was in a quandary as Gina like the rest of her family had no idea of the dramatic changes that had taken place in her life.

‘It was bound to come to this,’ thought Connie with apprehension.

“Well? Still thinking of a way to get rid of me?” Gina went on as Connie deliberated what to do.

“No,” said Connie quietly before giving her sister the directions to her building and her apartment number.

“Okay I’ll get a cab. I’ll be there before you know it,” Gina told her.

Connie wondered what to do. The thought of dressing up in men’s clothing cropped up but she realised she’d got rid of all of David’s clothes and the one’s Jason had in the apartment were way too big for her. Also she didn’t have a binder anymore and the thought of hiding the body she’d fought so hard to get was nauseating and would only be a copout postponing something that ought to have been done ages ago.

She sighed and decided there was no point hiding or trying to get out of this, her family wouldn’t stay in the dark forever and she would have to face them sooner or later and she thought it best that she deal with Gina on her own terms in her apartment.

At least that way she could stay in control of the whole thing.
 

 
The doorbell rang half an hour later and Connie checked the peephole and saw her sister waiting outside. Taking a few deep breaths to maintain her composure she then opened the door.

“Oh hi,” said Gina in surprise as a beautiful woman answered her brother’s door.

“I’m looking for David Richards, I think this is the address he gave,” she said uncertainly.

“Come in,” said Connie making way for her sister. She was surprised that Gina hadn’t recognised her yet but then again she didn’t expect a woman.

She closed the door behind her and turned to face her sister.

“Where’s David?” Gina asked before cocking her head and staring at Connie, “You look familiar. Have we met? Where’s my brother?”

Connie sighed deeply, “Gina it’s me,” she said softly.

Gina squinted for a few moments before the flash of recognition hit her.

“OMG!” she screeched in shock, mouth agape.

“What, what are you doing?” she added in a loud voice.

“Sit down please,” requested Connie calmly.

“NO I DON’T WANT TO SIT DOWN DAVID, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING DRESSED AS A GIRL. FOR PETE’S SAKE YOU EVEN HAVE BOOBS!” shrieked Gina.

“Calm down and sit down. I’m not going to have you yelling in my home and if you want an explanation you’re going to have to be civil to me,” Connie coolly told her baby sister.

Gina opened her mouth to but thought better of it when she saw the no nonsense expression on Connie’s face.

Staring daggers at her sibling she reluctantly sat down on the couch. Connie sat across from her and began her story.

“I guess the easiest explanation for this is to start at the beginning,” began Connie, “so please bear with me,”

“Have you ever heard of the term transgender?” she asked.

“Yes, don’t tell me you’re one of them?” said Gina, sounding stunned.

Connie nodded, “I am or more to the point I was,” she answered.

“What do you mean?” replied Gina not getting her meaning.

“I mean,” said Connie before momentarily falling silent, “I had surgery six months ago,” she said.

Gina’s face paled, “You did?” she said, clearly at loss for words which was a first thought Connie.

“Yes,” began Connie, “I’m not your brother anymore. In fact I guess I’ve never been really,” she added.

“You had a sex-change? How could you do that?” said Gina clearly upset, “That’s so selfish,” she said.

“Don’t you dare judge me, you never had to wake up every morning and go to bed every night feeling trapped in the wrong body!” Connie retorted losing her cool.

“You didn’t go through your childhood feeling different from everyone else; you never went through adolescence as a boy terrified you'd rurn into a man when your heart says you’re a girl. You never had to hide your feelings all your life so you wouldn’t hurt anyone you loved or thought of ending the whole damned mess and killing yourself. You and Julian never wondered why I had no friends, didn’t hang out or wasn’t as cool as either of you; I was just your weird brother. I was depressed throughout high school and you were too self-absorbed to see it and now I’ve fixed the problem you have the audacity to tell me I’m selfish. Well to hell with you,” said Connie angrily before going to her room slamming the door behind her.

Gina was mortified, this was a side her gentle sibling had never shown and the things she’d said were heartrending, she had never thought David was unhappy let alone depressed and suicidal. The stuff about being trapped in the wrong body was incredible and she’d never realised it over all this time.

What kind of a sister am I? Gina wondered sadly as the tears coursed down her cheeks. She stood up and went to the room her sibling had fled to. The girl on the bed was heaving with silent sobs and Gina joined on the bed and embraced her.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I had no idea,” she said gently as she cried too.

“I’m sorry too. I wish I’d told you earlier,” answered Connie.

The two women sat like this for a long moment as Connie cried and finally connected with someone in her family about her life.

They talked and Connie shared her secret life with Gina.

“You’ve been on hormones for seven years. Damn you could have damaged your liver,” said Gina concerned.

“I know but it was a risk I had to take and I did get my blood checked every few months. It was also the only way to make sure I didn’t become too masculine,” said Connie, “I wouldn’t have been able to deal with that and it would have made transitioning difficult,” she finished.

Gina had no idea what to say, she was learning so much about her sibling and this person was such a stranger. She wanted to be there for her but it was like building a relationship with a family member she was only meeting for the first time that they might as well have been separated at birth.

“You have no idea how strange this is honey. It’s like I’m meeting you for the first time and I don’t know how to relate to you,” she told Connie.

Connie smiled.

“At least you're here and I’ve told you. I’ve really longed to tell you who I am. I hope we can be friends?” she offered.

“Don’t be silly, of course we’re friends and besides I’ve always wanted a sister. I just didn’t expect to get one this late in life or this way,” said Gina.

“I was always your sister, you just hadn’t figured it out yet,” Connie told her.

“Yeah I suppose you’ll make a better sister than you were a brother,” she teased.

Connie hit her with a pillow and Gina squealed as she got hit. As she ducked the next blow she noticed the pictures on Connie’s bedside.

“Hold on a sec,” she said her voice serious.

“Who is the hunk?” she added picking up a framed picture of Jason holding Connie.

Her ‘new’ sister blushed, which was enough to tell Gina who he was, not that the way they were posing wasn’t enough.

“Boyfriend huh,” she said simply.

“Yes,” said Connie softly, her voice betraying her feelings for the fella.

Gina was once again lost for words, trying to reconcile this woman with her brother. That she was once David was amazing and the fact that she had a boyfriend was mind boggling. She had no idea how to proceed.

“How long have you been seeing him?” she finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Five months. We met a month after I came back from Thailand,”

“Oh,” said Gina trying to process this, “um so have you, you know,” she uneasily.

“What? Slept with him?” asked Connie eyeing her sister warily.

Gina nodded.

“Gina I’m a straight woman, I like guys and yes I have slept with him,” answered Connie.

Gina looked uncomfortable.

“Look Gina, I was a girl trapped in a male body. I like boys and girls didn’t do a thing for me but I never did anything with a man before the surgery. I’m not a gay man and I need my man to see me as 100% woman. Besides I hated my body so much I could never find myself attractive and people can sense that. After the op my self-confidence increased and next thing I knew guys were hitting on me,” Connie explained.

The tension in the air evaporated with that statement. Their upbringing simply didn’t allow them to be comfortable with men having relationships with other men and Gina was glad to discover that her sister had been chaste before her surgery and Connie sensed this.

“I love Jason,” she said from the bottom of heart, “and to me it’s a normal man-woman relationship,” she added.

“It couldn’t be anything else Connie. I don’t see the slightest sign of a man in front of me,” Gina answered, “so I’m happy for you,” she added warmly holding Connie’s hands.

“I admit I never would have bet you’d have a lover before me,” she quipped.

Connie smiled too knowing what a loner she’d been.

“I’m really happy these days and Jason is the most amazing man,” she gushed.

“Does he know about your past?” asked Gina.

“No. I have no idea how to even bring it up. He’s already introduced me to his family and his hinted he’d like to meet Mum and Dad and you,”

“Oh, oh. You really know how to get in shit don’t you,” said Gina.

“Tell me about it. I don’t know how to even start dealing with this. I’m so scared Mum and Dad will hate me for this,” she confessed.
 
 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

---

 

 
 
Chapter Three
 
Gina stayed over for the weekend as she got to know her sibling anew. She was still a bit dazed about the whole thing and this wasn’t helped when she saw Connie buck naked that afternoon when she’d walked in on her in the bathroom just as she was stepping out of the tub.

“I’m so sorry, I thought you were done,” she said apologetically, trying to avert her gaze and failing.

Connie had to smile despite blushing too. It had been ages since this had happened.

“It’s okay,” said Connie, as she covered up.

“You look fantastic; it looks like you were born a girl. Are you sure were David because you certainly look like you were a high school cheerleader?” remarked Gina.

“I wish! I guess starting on hormones at 16 helped a lot,” said Connie happily.

“You know I’m actually jealous. Are the boobs all you?” asked Gina

“Yes, all home grown,”

“And down there, how does it feel?” asked Gina.

“I can’t really describe it; I can say I feel ‘right’ if you can get what I mean. I finally feel complete and I didn’t feel that way before the surgery. Everything’s as it should be,” explained Connie after a brief pause gathering her thoughts.

“Was the surgery sore?” asked Gina gingerly.

“Extremely, it was the most painful experience in my life but it was so worth it. It sure beats waking up feeling awful about my body,” Connie remarked.

Gina’s curiosity finally overcame her prudishness.

“Um…can I see?” she asked.

Connie dropped the towel.

Gina stared.

“Wow, modern medicine is amazing,” she finally said after taking in her sister’s form.

Everything looked so real from the rounded shoulders, ample bosom to the cleft between her legs and Gina could hardly get her head around the fact of Connie being David and that this had been hidden away from her for so long.

Connie had been on hormones for all this time and the Richards hadn’t noticed their son gradually turn into their daughter and if Connie hadn’t told Gina they most likely wouldn’t have found out.

“Mum and Dad are gonna have a cow,” Gina said.

Connie sighed, “That’s why I can’t bring myself to tell them,” she said.

“Well you have to unless you plan on moving further away and pretending you’re a boy over the phone for the rest of your life.” Gina told her before her eyes narrowed slightly, “When were you going to let us know about all this?” she asked.

Connie picked up her towel and headed to her room Gina following close behind.

“Or was it ever gonna happen if hadn’t insisted on paying you a visit?” Gina went on as Connie opened her closet and started picking out an outfit.

“Julian knew,” said Connie quietly the pain in her voice apparent.

Losing Julian had been a huge blow to her, Connie loved her family and Julian had been a great brother who didn’t give her a hard time for being an unusual kid. When she’d told him about her situation he had been supportive, promising to help tell their parents. His sudden death six weeks later had been a major reason for retreating into her shell for so long.

“Really,” said Gina, surprised.

Connie nodded, “He was going to help me tell Mom and Dad,”

“You’re serious,” said Gina. After all her brother had been the epitome of masculinity the least likely person to understand gender dysphoria.

“I know what you’re thinking, he was a jock and all that but a lot of that was for show. He was a really cool guy and he cared about my well-being,” said Connie, “I miss him,” she said quietly, eyes misting.

“Me too,” said Gina softly remembering the big brother who’d always been there for her when she needed him.

Julian’s death had been a painful thing to process and she hoped this transition of Connie’s wouldn’t finish off what was left of the Richards. She kind of saw why Connie had deceived them for this long. With David gone it would be like he’d died too and she guessed Connie hadn’t wanted to put them through that so soon after the loss of one son.

Still their parents weren’t going to remain in the dark forever, all it took was a determined parent and the whole thing would come out, she doubted Connie still had the energy to keep up the charade her relief at telling her kind of proved it. But how were they going to react?

Jack Richards was not the most liberal of men but he wasn’t a fascist either. Could they get him to accept Connie as his daughter? Like most men he was the type of guy who wanted to leave his legacy on earth, have someone carry on the Richards name. Now David wouldn’t be able to do that. Gina knew that David was already a disappointment to him after all he hadn’t joined the military and showed absolutely no interest in providing a grandchild.

Granted Julian was a tough act to follow and he’d cut him some slack but she’d seen the way he looked at David when he visited and during their childhood. He certainly loved him but it wasn’t the same as Julian or her. She suddenly wasn’t surprised Connie hadn’t felt at home back home, she’d certainly not had an understanding father. He was kind of aloof to her.

Mom loved David, of that there was no doubt at least in Gina’s eyes. He was constantly being cited as an example of good behaviour when she partied too hard or slacked with her schoolwork and she called him regularly to check up on him. Losing Julian had probably hurt her most and she’d responded by being more attentive to the remaining two. The fact that she hadn’t seen David for two years was bound to lead her to come visit one of these days and she’d be in for a surprise when she saw the person she thought was her son.

Gina decided to get to know Connie better so she could help her sister when the time came. It was the least she could do for her after all the pain she’d suffered.

Consequently the girls spent the remainder of that weekend rebuilding their relationship, learning what made the other tick and becoming friends. Gina found Connie to be sweet, chatty and a wonderful shopper which explained the wardrobe she was becoming quite jealous of.

“At least I can steal your outfits,” she told her older sister.

“Ah, how things change, I never thought I’d hear you say that. I was always so jealous of your clothes,” replied Connie.
 

 
Telling her sister was a relief for Connie and knowing she still cared made her day. Of course she still had to worry about their parents’ reactions when they found out about her transition as well as that of her beau, Jason.

She had no idea how he would feel on discovering her past and she debated whether to tell him or her parents first. They all had a right to know and in Jason’s case things were getting quite serious, he’d already introduced her to his parents and they seemed to like her a lot, his mother Lynne had already extended another dinner invitation to the couple. She clearly liked her which could make things more complicated. Heck, she was sleeping with Jason on a regular basis as if things weren’t complicated enough as it was.

What on earth had gotten into her? She wondered but then she’d remember how great in bed Jason was and a little smile appeared on her face. She was certain she loved Jason because she’d never felt so strongly about someone and sometimes she’d imagine herself married to him with a suburban house with a white picket fence featuring in those daydreams.
 
Three months later
 
Things would have continued in this manner because Connie had no desire to face her parents at that moment and she was terrified of telling Jason lest she lost him. Unfortunately for her Helen,her mom wasn’t too chuffed at not being able to see her child and she insisted on David coming home for a visit or else she would come drag her off her job. For some reason the threat worked and Connie didn’t fight not to go, after all how many reasons could she give for not seeing her parents.?

When Gina heard about it she immediately called her sister to reassure her of her support.

“So how are we going to do this?” she asked.

“I honestly don’t know,” said Connie.

“It definitely can’t be the way you showed me. I don’t think Dad will take kindly to the shock and awe treatment,” Gina pointed out.

“I guess but it’s not like I can turn into a guy for the duration of the visit,” explained Connie.

“I suppose not but you’d have to dial down the girlishness a bit Connie or they’ll have a heart attack,” said Gina.

“Why did I agree to this? I just know it’ll be a disaster,” said Connie.

The sadness in her tone was unmistakable and Gina’s heart went out to her.

“Don’t stress honey, I’m sure It’ll work out and I’ll be right there to support you,” she told her sister, “I love you sis,” she added.

“I love you too Gina,” remarked Connie, her spirits lifting slightly.

“Connie, please don’t take this wrong but I think something’s bothering you. You haven’t been yourself tonight or in the last few days,” Jason Koumakis her beau asked later that night after their date.

Connie looked at him wondering how she could explain the whole situation to him. She sighed,

“I’m just worried about my family,” she said.

“Why, what’s wrong?” he asked in concern.

“I have to go visit my parents this weekend,” she answered.

“Really, do you want me to come with?” Jason replied.

Connie froze.

“Uh, no not this time. I think it’ll be a bit disconcerting to them to discover I’ve got a serious boyfriend,” she said.

“You mean you haven’t told your family about me?” said Jason, sounding hurt.

“No Jason it’s not like that. My sister knows about you but my parents don’t and I will tell them this weekend,” said Connie softly.

“Besides I don’t think my dad would take too kindly to finding out you’re sleeping with me,” she teased.

Jason laughed and proceeded to tickle her. Before they knew it they were in bed and for a while Connie’s troubles were put aside as Jason stroked in and out of her. She loved the feelings that were generated by their lovemaking, that feeling of surrendering to Jason yet still controlling him as he caressed her as deeply as he did. Though being a woman was not only about sex this was one perk she’d got from her op. Of course she had nothing to compare it too, having never slept with anyone as a male but she was certain she would never have enjoyed it so much.
 

 
Despite her misgivings Connie had decided to face her fear and bite the bullet. She was dressed androgynously in pants and man’s shirt, her hair in a simple ponytail all the styling removed. She wasn’t wearing any makeup or earrings. It was quite chilly so the thick jacket she wore helped disguise her breasts. Both of them felt this was the best they could do to bring David back though neither of them was convinced it was very convincing; Connie still looked like a girl. They’d been uncertain if she should go as she really was or dress as David but ultimately Gina had thought it might be too much of a shock to their parents if Connie’s gorgeous self showed up.

When they reached their parents neighbourhood they drove a block away from their home before parking. Both of them sat in the car mapping out a strategy as befitted the children of a military man. They wondered if Gina should go in first and explain the situation before Connie came in but Connie didn’t feel it was fair to her sister, she felt that as the older one she ought to be responsible and tell her parents herself.

So they drove back and both girls left the car simultaneously. Gina gave her sister a hug for morale and let her know she was there for her.

They then walked to the door and rang the doorbell.

Their mother answered the door less than a minute later.

“Gina!” she said happily embracing her youngest child.

“Look what the cat dragged home, hello son,” she said with a smile before kissing Connie on the cheek and attempting to smother her with a hug. Connie knowing this might happen had bound her breasts and didn’t go into the hug like her sister had; fearful her mother might sense her bust.

“Gosh, don’t they pay you? You’re so thin sweetheart,” she said taking a good look at the child she hadn’t seen in over two years.

“And your hair, what on earth are you keeping it for. It makes you look like a girl,” she commented before Connie could a get a word in.

“Hello Mom,” said Connie in a carefully modulated voice.

Gina nearly sniggered, Connie couldn't even sound convincing as a boy but luckily their mother didn't notice it.

“John, the kids are home,” Helen told her husband, calling him by his given name.

Seconds later Jack Richards appeared in the foyer to greet his offspring.

He embraced Gina kissing her on the cheek in that affectionate way fathers’ reserve for their youngest daughters.

“Well, look who we have here,” he said looking at the person he thought was his son.

“Hello Dad,” said Connie, smiling slightly.

Jack seized his hand with a firm grip, “Hello kiddo. Been a while son. They finally gave you some leave and you decided to see your old folks hey, good to see you man,” he said heartily as he pumped Connie’s hand and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Connie suddenly felt awful, it was clear her parents were glad to see her and all she could do was avoid them and she was certain she’d hurt them once more before her trip was over.

“I wish I could have visited more but my job is really hectic,” said.

“Sure David, I can see that, you haven’t found time to get a haircut as well,” pronounced Jack, “well I guess we’ll go visit the barber before you go eh,”

Connie grinned slightly, “I don’t think so,” she said.

“Good thing you’re not in the air force my boy,” he said with a frown eyeing Connie’s long hair with distaste.

Helen shepherded them to the family room and proceeded to give her children the third degree, well Gina any way since Connie simply wasn’t the chatty type.

Jack was content to comment here and there as was his right as head of the household but he left the talking to the women and read his paper while grunting every once in a while about what those fool Democrats were doing in Washington with the country.

“Give me Reagan any day. Those lefties will spend us into poverty,” he muttered.

Connie knew better than to remind him that Reagan had increased the deficit every year in his second term with his dumb Reaganomics. She hoped he hadn’t become a Tea Party adherent in her absence.

Before long Helen was marshaling Gina around the kitchen while directing Connie to lay the table.

During the meal Connie remembered why she ought to have come home more often, her mother’s cooking was divine and she found herself enjoying it despite the tension she felt. She hoped to tell them after dinner but when the meal ended she couldn’t find the courage to bring up her situation.

She caught Gina looking at her and she quickly she shook her head.

Later that evening when their Dad had dozed off in front of the television the girls met up in Gina’s room.

“I thought you were going to tell them over dinner,” said Gina wondering why Connie hadn’t spoken about her transition.

“I chickened out sis, I don’t know why I’m so scared, I really wanted to say something,” replied Connie.

“Well you’d better before they figure it out or you go back without them knowing,” said Gina.

“Would that be so bad?” said Connie softly.

Gina looked flabbergasted, “Of course it would. You had a sex-change for Pete’s sake and you’re not gonna hide it from your parents forever, what happens when Mom makes her way to your apartment and finds Connie there? Or dad wants to do some father-son bonding or when I decide to get married. Are you gonna pretend you’re a guy till they die?”

“Shh!” said Connie spiritedly not wanting their conversation to carry downstairs.

“Okay but you’d better tell them or I will,” Gina hissed.

“I just don’t want to hurt them,” said Connie softly.

“I think it’s a bit too late for that honey, you’ll make it worse if you withhold it any longer,” said Gina frankly.

Connie knew she was right; it had to be done so she could move on with her life. They were her parents and she owed them the right to know that David didn’t exist anymore. They had to realize that their son was gone which was just the problem. They had already lost another son and it felt like she had killed their remaining son. After all David was all they’d known for 23 years while Connie had been hiding. This is what made her reluctant to tell them about the drastic changes she’d undergone.
 

 
The next morning she gathered her courage and after breakfast asked to talk to both her parents in the family room. She felt Gina ease up next to her and squeeze her hand.

“What’s the matter David?” their mother asked.

“I’ve been keeping a secret from you for most of my life,” began Connie softly.

She saw and felt her parents tense up. The temperature in the room seemed to decrease.

Helen was about to interrupt but Jack held his hand up so their child could continue.

“Ever since I was four or five I’ve felt something was wrong with me. It’s like I was something inside that I wasn’t on the outside,” began Connie trying to stay calm.

“Go on,” urged Helen.

Connie sighed, “I’ve always felt I wasn’t a boy that I’m supposed to be a girl,” she told them.

That was the easy part in Connie’s eyes but she couldn’t have guessed the reaction that would follow.

“Goodness you’re gay!” said Helen in a tone no child wants to hear from their mother, it was tinged with disappointment and shame.

Her father though just looked at her, his expression verging on disgust. It was then that Connie knew her relationship with her parents was over. All that was left was to tell them the rest and go home she thought.

“No Mom I’m not. I’m not gay, I’m transsexual,” she pointed out.

“What’s the difference; you’re one of those boys who want to be turned into a woman so they can sleep with men! Where did I go wrong honey?” said Helen tears flowing down her face clearly distressed.

“After everything we’ve done for you,” she wept.

“I’ve already had the surgery,” announced Connie.

“What?” said Jack and Helen at the same time, even more shocked than before.

“I’m not a man anymore. I went to Thailand and had the surgery nine months ago,” she said more forcefully.

“My name is Constance now and I live my life as a woman,” she added.

“Why?” Helen asked plaintively.

“Because I had to. Like I said I hated being a boy and my body and that was the only way I could feel comfortable with myself and it worked. I like the body I have now and living as a woman feels so right,” explained Connie.

“What the hell?” Jack swore. He was getting angrier and angrier. Connie didn't think she'd ever seen him so riled up.

“David, that’s nonsense. You’re not a woman, please tell me you will get this undone before you ruin your life. If you need money I’ll give it to you,” said Helen, begging her child to come back to her senses.

Connie was aghast.

“Did you hear anything I said? I hated being a man and I wanted to kill myself until I stopped living a lie. I was miserable Mom, all my life and you never noticed,” said Connie, raising her voice.

“So this is your way of getting back at me?” said Helen angrily.

“No Mom, it isn’t. I did this for myself so I can feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel suicidal anymore. I’ve never been happier in my life than I am now and I wouldn’t go back to being guy even if you paid me. Besides my surgery isn’t reversible and even if it was I wouldn’t want it undone,” said Connie.

“So what is it you want here? Did you come here to tell us you’ve mutilated your body and you’re proud of it?” Jack demanded.

“You’re throwing away everything we’ve done for you,” Helen remonstrated.

“Look, Mom, Dad. I didn’t do this to hurt anyone. I did it to save my life. I want you in my life and I’d like you to recognise that I’m your child, your daughter,” pleaded Connie.

“Forget it David, I will never accept that bullshit. You’re not a woman and I won’t have it,” said Jack angrily.

“Is that your final word?” said Connie her eyes blurring.

“Aye, I won’t have a son of mine pretending he is a woman. That’s completely unacceptable,” he responded.

“I’m not going to be a man whether you like it or not Dad,” shot back Connie.

Jack stood up, “Then get the fuck out of my house,” he told Connie.

“Dad,” protested Gina.

“I’ll thank you to keep silent Gina,” he warned her.

Connie looked at her sister and just nodded telling her not to get thrown out with her.

She stood up and headed to her room took her luggage as well as a few mementos from her childhood and left.

“Don’t darken my door again as long as you continue to live like a pervert,” he told her as she pulled her suitcases to the door.

Connie struggling to hold back the tears stopped and looked at her Dad.

“I’m not a pervert but if you think that about your own child then I guess I don’t need a father like you either. I swear I’ll never bother you or Mom again. Thank you for raising me,” she told her father before walking out her head held high, her heart broken.

“Just get out of my sight before I do something we'll both regret,” said a furious Colonel Richards.

Somehow she managed to load her car and drive about six blocks before it all overwhelmed her and she broke down.
 
 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

---

 

 
 
Chapter Four
 
She lost all track of time as she sat there crying her heart out. Her worst fears had become reality; her family had disowned her because of her situation. Her father thought she was some sort of pervert and her mother was bitterly disappointed.

After what seemed like hours and having cried herself numb she finally drove back to her apartment. Once there she changed into a large t-shirt and fell into her bed and dozed off not bothering to check her phone which had half a dozen messages from Gina.

She slept till dawn but woke up feeling lethargic and after eating some breakfast she promptly threw up. Connie wanted nothing more than to crawl back into her bed at that moment but she needed a pay check to keep a roof over her head. It wasn't like she had parent’s who’d bail her out she realised which set off another crying jag.

Somehow she managed to pull herself together and get ready for work. Her day went by quieter than usual; she completely lost herself in duties and managed to put aside her misery through this intense focus. She’d always kept to herself and her work[lace was no exception, she had no friends there just known strangers which suited her just fine that day, she wasn’t in the mood to chitchat with the nerds she worked with. Being the only girl and a gorgeous one at that helped, a lot of them had no idea how to socialise with her anyway and she’d never felt the need to break the ice.

When she got home she was surprised to find Jason there.

“Thank goodness, you’re okay!” he exclaimed looking and sounding relieved.

“I was worried sick, you never called last night,” he added as he took her hands and kissed her cheek.

“I’m sorry, I completely forgot,” said Connie.

After the devastating events of the weekend she’d completely forgotten to call Jason on her return.

“Didn’t you get my phone calls; I nearly went to the police,”

“No I didn’t, I had switched off my phone,” she told him.
 

 
In the aftermath of Connie’s announcement all was not well in Richards’ home. Jack had gone out to let off some steam while Helen was shell shocked.

“He doesn’t even look like a girl,” she muttered to Gina who was devastated at how things had gone and was quietly sobbing hurt by what had happened to Connie.

“I can’t believe this. What on earth did I do wrong?” she kept saying.

“Is that all you can think about Mom, Dad just threw Connie out and that’s all you’ve got to say,” said Gina, scandalised.

“Don’t you dare call David that, his name is David,”

“David doesn’t exist mom, he never did. You and dad just threw out my sister!” said Gina angrily.

“Are you saying you believe that nonsense?” retorted Helen.

“It’s not nonsense Mom, Connie’s always been a girl on the inside, always and I understand why she had to get surgery. She was never going to be a man like dad or Julian,” answered Gina, “when I stayed at her place I noticed how happy and more open she was. David was always glum and Connie is so alive. Truth be told I could never get David because he wasn’t real, Connie’s different that’s the true person,” responded Gina faithfully.

Having gotten to know Connie a lot better since their first meeting she certainly believed her sibling was far happier being female.

Her mother shook her head.

“I don’t get it Gina. Why would you change yourself like that?” remarked Helen.

“Mom if kids are born with an extra finger they cut it off right so they can be like everyone else right?”

Her mother nodded.

“David’s like that too, he was never really a guy. Sure his body might say so but inside it was killing him. It was either that or death,” explained Gina.

“But why didn’t he get therapy or something to cure him?” Helen wondered.

“He did and the surgery was the cure Mom. You don’t just get a sex change Mom the way you get a nose job, you have to see a number of doctors and stay as a girl for a year or so to prove if the right path for you. Connie didn’t do this on a whim; it’s the result of a lifelong journey,” pointed out Gina.

Helen shook her head, boys were boys and girls were girls and never shall the twain meet was her default thinking and as much as she loved her child, what Connie had done was too hard to understand let alone accept. She was too hurt to even begin understanding Gina’s argument.
 

 
“Connie no offence but you look like hell, what happened?” Jason asked worriedly.

Connie sighed; the tears were not too far away. Part of her wanted to say nothing was wrong but she figured Jason would pry it out of her.

“I had a fight with my parents, they don’t want to see my face again,” she told him in a sad voice.

“Why, I mean, why would they say that?” said a stunned Jason.

For some reason Connie wasn’t thinking straight, ordinarily she wouldn’t have done what she did next but she was feeling pretty fatalistic that day so she told him why.

“Let’s sit down,” she suggested softly, “I have to tell you something,” she added.

“What is it? I doubt there’s hardly anything I don’t know about you,” remarked Jason.

Connie sighed, “There is, Jason but first I want you to know something. In the eight months I’ve known you, I’ve fallen head over heels for you. I love you Jason,” she said.

“I love you too Connie, you’re my world,” said Jason warmly picking up her hands.

“I know that’s why I have to tell you something. It’s the reason my parents threw me out,” she told him her eyes bright with the tears she was fighting back.

“Whatever it is I can handle it,” Jason reassured, “we’ll handle it together,” he added.

“I’m not like other girls,” began Connie before Jason interrupted her.

“Of course you’re not that’s why I love you,” he teased.

“Jason, have you ever heard of gender dysphoria?” Connie queried.

“Yeah isn’t it like one of those diseases where the person thinks they are the opposite sex?” he responded.

“It’s not a disease,” said Connie defensively.

“Wait, don’t tell me you want to be a guy?” said Jason in surprise.

Connie shook her head, “No way,” she said fervently.

Jason looked relieved but the gears in his mind were still turning.

“So what about the gender thingy?” he asked.

Connie looked into his eyes briefly before looking away.

“I had it before you met me. When I was born I was named David,” she said softly.

“You’re a man?” asked Jason in disbelief.

“No I’m not Jason but I was born with the wrong body and I got it fixed but my parents can’t accept that,” said Connie.

“You’re a man, you lied to me,” said Jason angrily jerking his hands away from Connie’s.

“I’m not a man!” Connie sobbed.

“I never lied to you. This is who I am, a woman. How I was born shouldn’t matter,” she said.

“You’re a faggot. What the hell were you doing, trying to get me join your disgusting ways?” said Jason furiously.

“You bastard, did I feel like a man when you were sleeping with me?” said Connie just as angrily.

“Would you tell a man you loved him?” she added.

Jason stood up and made to strike her but restrained himself when he saw her wince and realised what he was about to do.

“You conned me you, you freak! I don’t ever want to see you again or I really will beat you up David,” he declared vehemently before storming out of the apartment banging the door behind him.

Connie curled up on her couch and cried over the shambles that was her life. At that moment she wondered what the point of her life was. What had just passed seemed to suggest that happiness was destined to be a fleeting occurrence in her life with misery her constant companion all because of something she’d never asked for.

Gina found her in this state just a few hours later, she’d been worried by the lack of contact from her since her abrupt departure. Worried, she’d decided to go to the apartment to check on her. Connie had given her a key on her first visit and she’d used it to gain entry.

Her sister looked terrible, her eyes red from the crying, her hair dishevelled while her makeup was ruined. Gina rushed to her side, joining her on the sofa and taking her into her arms.

“Gina,” said Connie, “what are you doing here?”

“You’re my sister, I came to check on you,” said Gina softly.

“Dad will..,” Connie was saying.

“I don’t care what Dad does. I love you and I’m not gonna abandon you,” Gina said which only elicited more sobs from the older girl.

“You’re the only person who cares,” wept Connie, “I’m a freak yet you still love me,” she sobbed.

“You’re not a freak Connie. You’re a strong woman and you’re my hero. I don’t think I could have dealt with the life you got but you made the most of it and today you a beautiful woman with a great job and good prospects,”

“Jason doesn’t think so; he almost beat me up when I told him everything. I’ll never be happy,” said Connie, choking on the sobs, her body heaving with despair.

“You told him and he broke up with you? What a bastard,” remarked Gina angrily.

“No, I’m the freak. Look at me, first Mom and Dad, now Jason. What’s wrong with me?” Connie asked.

“You’re wonderful Connie; they’re the ones who’re wrong. Don’t beat yourself up over this, you did your best with them and they couldn’t handle it. You did what you were supposed to now you can move on with your life sis,” Gina said in an attempt to console the older girl.

“Am I going to go through life like this, losing the people I love because I had a sex-change?” Connie asked.

“Hey I’m still here right? Mom and Dad were wrong to disown you. I know you didn’t choose this but even I can tell you’re better off as a girl, you’re a natural. Your problem is you’re not selfish enough Connie, you don’t want to hurt anyone but you have your life and Mom and Dad have theirs. You can’t live your life for them or any other human being. Answer me this question as honestly as possible, do you want to go back to being David?” Gina asked.

Connie stayed silent for a while thinking of everything that had happened. However she knew there was only one answer to that.

“No. I mean I wish they could accept me as the person I’ve become but I can never be David not for anyone. It’s just that it hurts so much that they don’t want me,” she told her sister.

“I know honey,” said Gina, tears falling from her eyes, “but you’ll get over this and trust me they will regret this. I’ve got to know the real you and I’m proud to have a sister like you. We’ll make it together. When Dad threw you out, he threw me out as well,” she added.

“Thanks but I please don’t break it off with them too. They are still our parents and their quarrels with me not you so don’t destroy your relationship for my sake,” Connie, “promise me that?”

Gina realised what a self-less person her sister was, right then. She’d always thought her sibling wasn’t assertive but then she learnt of Connie’s secret transition and she’d resented it as being selfish but when Connie told her what she’d gone through, how she’d postponed it and hidden it so as not hurt her family while it was grieving then hiding it from them to preserve their relationship she’d realised Connie was the most selfless individual she’d met. Now she was begging her not to destroy her relationship with them for their family’s sake even though in her shoes some people wouldn’t have cared. Even when hurting she still tried to help her family, the very same people who’d hurt her and it made her admiration of Connie swell tenfold.
 

 
Connie insisted Gina go back home the following day. Gina wanted to stay for a while and make sure she was okay but Connie told her she’d be okay and to go spend her Thanksgiving break with their family saying her absence would only make things worse for everyone.

“We don’t want them to say I led you astray so please go for my sake,” she begged her sister.

“I don’t have to like it but I’ll do it,” said Gina reluctantly.

“You’re a star Gina. Remember don’t fight with them about what happened, you still need to finish college,” Connie reminded her.

Both of them were sad to separate but both agreed it was for the best; Gina was still dependent on their parents for her schooling and upkeep as she hadn’t got a scholarship like her sibling. Connie also didn’t want to split the family over her. Gina didn’t deserve to lose their parents because of her. This was why Connie insisted she not fight them or argue her case.

So Gina returned to the Richards while Connie stayed behind at her apartment. She was still devastated at losing her boyfriend and her parents attitude and as you can imagine there were lots of tears shed over this though Gina’s visit helped Connie a lot. She didn’t feel as hopeless as she had at first and she began trying to deal with it. Her work helped a bit and so did the television and the copious of amounts of fried chicken, chocolate and ice cream she devoured and the increased exercise she started to keep the above-mentioned food off her hips.

Meanwhile at the Richards the atmosphere was strained, it was obvious to even a stranger that Helen and Jack were upset. Thanksgiving was dull and Helen had to fight the urge to call her child and invite her over. You’d think that they’d be used to a three person dinner by now as Connie hadn’t attended for the last three years but it was strange because they knew Connie wouldn’t be coming because they would have no truck with a person like her even if she was their child.

They were all hurt though it hardly showed on Jack except with the increased irritability while Helen seemed close to tears when she passed David’s room or Julian’s while Gina bitterly resented her parents for creating this situation and hurting everyone.

Connie was used to being lonely. It was something she’d grown up with as a child so it was nothing new to her but this time it felt different, in the past she’d always had the hope that one day things would get better and indeed they had in the past year, she had finally corrected nature’s mistake, fallen in love and come out to her family but in a week everything had gone awry save for her relationship with Gina which if anything was stronger.

She wondered about her future. Would anyone love her after they learnt her story?

Would she be able to have her own family?

Why didn't she have any close friends still?

She didn't question her decision to transition, her gender was most certainly female but she didn’t want to be alone for the remainder of her existence. Losing Jason who’d been her first love and first real friend hurt deeply and the look on his face when he’d nearly hit her, it had been like she’d stopped being a human being and become a thing to him and that had hurt more than his words.

Would everyone react like that to her and was that a reason to remain friendless?

She couldn't answer this definitively but she did resolve that being alone wasn’t a way to live and she was going to live.

That’s why she changed and drove to a soup kitchen to donate some food and her time. Besides spreading some cheer it would make her feel less miserable. Maybe getting some air would also make feel better physically because she’d been feeling lethargic and nauseous since her return from her parents home and she ascribed this to being depressed. She’d learnt about psycho-somatic illnesses in college and she supposed that was happening to her.

The folks at the soup kitchen were quite glad to have her help and for the first time that week she started to feel good.

“Do you come here a lot?” she asked the girl she was helping with the potatoes.

"Once a week, my dad was once homeless when he came back from Vietnam,” explained the girl whose name was Pattie.

“He turned his life around thanks to the help of places like this. My brother and I wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for that,” she added.

“Wow,” said Connie in amazement that a simple act of charity had helped make the existence of the girl beside her possible, “life is strange isn’t it?”

“Definitely, how about you, what’s your story?” Pattie returned.

“Mine, well I used to do some volunteering in college. I was free today so I thought what better way to spend my time than to help out,” answered Connie.
 
 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

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Chapter Five
 
The holidays did nothing to alleviate Connie’s pain. They did just the opposite in fact as they let her know that while others had close knit family’s hers didn’t want her. She wondered at the irony that even crooks had visits from family while in jail while she who hadn’t committed a crime didn’t enjoy the same right because her mother and father hated her for having a medical condition resolved.

Helping at the soup kitchen helped a bit as she felt somewhat appreciated there and felt she was doing something positive and her sister was always a phone call away. Knowing that Gina loved and accepted her was a big boon for her and it lessened some of the misery somewhat though not entirely as nothing could temper the ache in her heart at being tossed aside by her mom and dad and the love of her life in short succession.

Her body seemed to be taking it out on her too, she felt lethargic a lot of the time for some reason.

Thanksgiving as well as Christmas passed. She was planning to be alone as usual having made Gina go to their parents. Connie refused to take another child from them no matter how much a part of her wanted to get back at them, the better part of her still loved them.

Her plans for having a quiet Christmas didn’t come to pass though.

“So what’s up for Christmas?” Patty asked a few days before the big day when they met up at the soup kitchen.

“Oh this and that,” said Connie defensively.

Being a private person she didn’t feel like weighing down someone else with her woes.

“Connie I like to think we’re sort of friends and forgive me for intruding but you seem like you need someone to talk to. I’m there if you want to,” said Patty gently, clutching the other girls hand.

Connie wanted to cry. People seemed to want to care but they would turn their backs on you once you shared with them, Jason and her parents being a case in point.

“I wish I could but you wouldn’t get it,” she murmured.

Patty saw how much she’d been hurt and gave her a hug.

“It’s okay if you can’t talk about it. You can tell me when you’re ready but tell me this at least, are you going to be alone over Christmas?”

Reluctantly Connie nodded.

“Oh no, we can’t have that. Why don’t you come and have Christmas with me and my family, I promise I won’t be nosy. Please say yes Connie,” responded Patty begging her with puppy dog eyes.

Connie wanted to say no, she wanted to be alone and miserable which is why she said,

“Okay,”

The McNulty’s were a very hospitable clan who gave Connie a warm welcome.

There were eight of them Grandpa and Grandma McNulty, Patty’s parents Don and Ruth, her two brothers Connor and Matthew as well their wives Zoe and Diane.

“When are you going to bring us a boyfriend Patty?” teased her grandmother affectionately.

Patty laughed.

“I think I’ll be a spinster a little longer,” she joked as she kissed her grandma.

“Hello dear, forgive my rudeness. I’m just a poor old woman who wants a great grandchild before she dies,” said the senior Mrs McNulty to Connie though evidently the message was for her grandchildren who laughed.

“Oh come on gran, you don’t look a day over 55,” Connor teased her while the rest of the family introduced themselves to their guest.

Connie loved the easy-going nature her hosts seemed to have; they were such a close, loving family and she wished she could have had something like this in her own life. Her time there was good for her, it lifted her flagging spirits. She nearly forgot all her problems during her stay with the McNulty’s. Nearly being the operative word, because the McNulty’s were so happy she was shown what she thought she would never have, a happy, loving family of her own. She did her best not to let her sadness show to the people who’d been kind enough to open their home to her.

Patty sensed this and she tried in her own way to cheer up her guest.

“Look Connie I now you’re sad at the moment but life’s too short to spend being miserable. You’re gorgeous and I can guarantee someone will scoop you off your feet,”

“Sure,” said Connie rolling her eyes.

After the holidays and being cheered up by Patty and the fact that it was a New Year, the time for new beginnings Connie was just starting to recover her mojo when she ran into Jason’s mother as she did her monthly groceries at a supermarket she rarely frequented.

As she rounded a corner her cart nearly hit Mrs Koumakis’ cart.

“Hello Mrs Kou...,” Connie was saying when Mrs Koumakis cut her off with a stinging clap.

“That is for lying to my son and pretending to be a woman. What the hell did you think you were doing trying to seduce my son into your evil ways?”

Connie opened her mouth to answer but Mrs Koumakis cut her off again.

“Don’t you dare talk to me you, you freak,” she said, “to think you I welcomed you into my home and that my son had found someone special. You’re disgusting,” she hissed before hurrying off in high dudgeon.

Connie just stood there fighting back tears. She’d thought Mrs Koumakis was a wonderful person but this outburst had come from nowhere. She never would have pegged her to be so full of hate.

This episode left her convinced that she couldn’t trust people with her secret and it snuffed out the good mood she’d been developing.She reacted by becoming more of a loner. More than once guys at work asked her out but she would politely turn them down fearing an outcome similar to the one she’d had with Jason. Going out which had been so interesting suddenly lost it’s all its lustre and Connie’s life descended to one where the only thing that got her out of bed was the need to go to work.

She also continued feeling sick and tired for no reason she could identify, her workload was the same and she didn’t think she was losing sleep. Gina was the only person she allowed to get close and she called every night and came by every other weekend making the 50 mile trip to see how her sister was doing.

It took Gina to notice something was wrong one weekend when she saw her sister vomit two mornings in a row.

“I think you ate something that didn’t agree with you, you should go and see a doctor,” she suggested.

“No I’m fine,” insisted Connie.

“No you’re not; this isn’t the Connie I met months ago. I know you’re hurting over everything but maybe they can give you something to make it better,” Gina responded.

Connie wanted to argue but she just didn’t have the strength to do so. She had no choice but to go along with her sister’s suggestion. Connie wanted to see her endocrinologist but when they called his practice there was no answer. Gina wouldn’t let her wait until Monday so they headed to a nearby practice and it wasn’t too long before a doctor saw her. Connie narrated all her symptoms and the doctor took a urine and blood sample. She didn’t mention that she was a transsexual and was on hormones.

“Miss Richards I can tell you what’s been making you sick lately. You’re pregnant,” said Dr Davis slowly.

Connie was stupefied as was Gina.

“What?” they both queried quite shocked.

“When was your last period” Dr Davis asked thinking she was one of those girls whose monthlies were irregular and wouldn’t notice missing a period.

“That’s not possible,” said Connie, “I wasn’t born a girl,”

Dr Davis’s eyes narrowed, “Is this a joke because,”

“No it’s not. Connie used to be my brother David until she had a sex-change,” explained Gina.

Connie nodded and explained her medical history to the doctor.

“Well I’m stupefied,” remarked Dr Davis, “I guess I’ll just have to run the tests again,” she told them.

The Richards sisters sat there holding hands while Dr Davis went to retest, both of them still stunned by what had just happened.

“She had me going there,” Connie finally said to her sister.

“Yeah I was shocked too,” said Gina looking at sister closely, “but you’d like kids wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, but I can’t have my own you know, that’s the saddest thing about being the way I am,” remarked Connie.

“Didn’t you like save your ..,” she queried before flushing, “stuff,”

Connie giggled, “No, I took hormones for too long from a pretty young age, I was infertile by the time I had the op,” she explained, her tone becoming sad.

Gina gave her a hug wishing she could help her sister somehow.

Still she didn’t have to wait too long because an hour later the doctor came back.

“I’ve just rechecked the test Ms Richards and I’m afraid the tests were right, you are about two months pregnant,” announced Dr Davis.

“How, that’s not possible,” remarked Connie, staggered.

“Somehow, it happened, so the best thing we can do is to deal with this,” said Dr Davis, “I think you’re inter-sexed,”

Connie was shocked, she had no idea how this had happened, sure she’d had unprotected sex with Jason but she’d been physically male before her surgery. A dazed Gina looked at her also in shock while Dr Davis carried on with her spiel.

Everything was a blur as Connie was led to scanner and had her belly scanned. The next thing she remembered hearing was,

“It appears that you have an ectopic pregnancy, this could be potentially fatal if you carry the baby to term,”

Dr Davis then explained what an ectopic pregnancy was, apparently Connie had one ovary but no womb and the baby had become attached to her tubes or her abdomen and this was a dangerous thing. She suggested a termination.

That snapped Connie out of it, “No, I can’t do that,” she told the doctor.

“It’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to carry the foetus to term Miss Richard’s, this could kill you if not treated,”

“I won’t destroy my baby,” insisted Connie.

The doctor looked helplessly at Gina as Connie made to leave.

“I always wanted to be a girl Gina, since I was six or seven, now I’m going to be a mother and I can’t believe it. I never thought something like this would happen,” said Connie.

“You’ll be risking your life honey,” Gina answered.

“I know but I can’t kill this baby so I can live,” said Connie firmly.

“So you’re going to kill both of you instead?” Gina replied.

“I want another opinion. Maybe there’s a way for my baby to survive. After all it’s not like doctors know everything or they’d have told me I was a girl when I had my surgery,” said Connie.

“I understand are you going to tell Jason?” Gina queried.

“I don’t know,” said Connie softly.

“What about Mom and Dad?” Gina asked.

“No way am I not going back to them,” Connie said vehemently.

“But Connie, this is your chance to make up everything, if you’re pregnant it means you’ve always been female, even genetically, it’ll make them come round,” argued Gina.

“No, I’m not going to have anything to do with them again,” Connie told her sister, “they are not going to be a part of my life again.”
 
 
To Be Continued...
 

 

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Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

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Chapter Six
 

She remembered being told not to worry if she had vaginal bleeding, as it sometimes occurred months after the surgery. When it had happened she’d worn a pad and gone on with her life not knowing she just had a period and was actually a fertile female.

Connie was in a daze for the next few days, she couldn’t believe what happened. She was pregnant something she’d never expected to happen. This was something out of a fiction story, real life wasn't meant to be like this was it? Still she felt a sense of relief, her feelings had not been the result of an unbalanced mind as some bigots liked to claim. Somehow she’d had the female parts all along which validated how she’d felt all her life.

Gina was also stunned, almost as much as she’d been when she’d first found out about Connie. She’d had a sister all along, one who was expecting. She would have been happy except for the fact that the pregnancy might kill Connie and the child.

The prognosis was grim. The doctors told her a termination was the safest bet and that even if by a miracle she carried the baby to term, there was a huge risk to her life as she could rupture an artery or an organ and the chance of extreme disability for the child.

When she heard this Connie had burst into tears, terrified and very lost. Gina did her best to comfort her.

Nothing could convince Connie to abort the pregnancy though as she was determined to have the baby. She decided that as long as she wasn’t in immediate danger she would fight for her child.

Connie needed a miracle. So for the first time in a while she prayed. Connie prayed for her child’s life and the chance to look after him or her.

Months passed by. Connie was showing now and it had changed her life drastically. Her body had felt a bit alien. She had weird cravings at random times, her bladder was annoyingly smaller. Her emotions were all over the place, much worse than when she’d started hormones as a teenager. The weight gain wasn’t her favourite change. A lot of her clothes couldn’t fit her anymore which was more than annoying. People’s attitudes had changed too. For example at work everyone was solicitous and overly friendly. Women tended to smile more at her now; she didn’t get some of the catty looks that came with being an attractive woman anymore.

She grew closer to Gina who was over nearly every other weekend and did everything with her from shopping for maternity clothes to attending Lamaze classes with her. She needed the support more than she let on as she sometimes wondered if she was capable of facing this.

 

 

Connie slowly walked into the cemetery with her six-year old son. They were here to pay their respects to the boy's father Jason. On reaching his grave they placed a bouquet of flowers on it. She still felt the raw pain of his loss and the emotion threatened to overwhelm Connie. He was the only man she'd ever loved and his death had been so painful. Despite the being dumped by she'd never stopped loving him. She looked at her little angel, her miracle and the tears threatened to flow.

Her baby looked so much like his father. He had the same jet black hair and the laughing blue eyes. Kellan looked up at his mother and saw her glistening eyes. He squeezed her hand. She squeezed back and they turned and began walking away.

Lynne Koumakis was stunned as she saw the young woman and little boy at her son's resting place. When that little boy had turned to leave her heart had nearly stopped. Even from a distance he looked like her son had at that age. She'd wondered if she was losing it. She still mourned him, was she hallucinating?

Because of this she refrained from calling out. Instead she watched the pair walk away. When they turned a corner she walked to the grave. The flowers there were real enough and they were fresh too. She picked them up. This was as much to make sure of this as it was to ensure that they weren't a figment of her imagination. Satisfied that she wasn't losing her faculties she noted that there was no card.

Her thoughts turned to the woman. Had Jason impregnated a girl before his death? If this was so, was that her?

She raked her memory in an effort to recall if he'd been seeing anyone around that time. There was Stephanie, the Sevenakis girl she'd set him up with after he'd broken up with that freak that had the temerity to pretend to be a woman.

She immediately discounted Stephanie as she and her mother were close. Her heart sank as she recalled the young woman's hair. It had been the same strawberry blonde as that freaks. It couldn't be that had been a man and men couldn't give birth unless Jason hadn't told them the truth.

She shook her head as if trying to get these disturbing thoughts out of her mind. She didn't want to sully her boy's memory. However she couldn't help feel an aching need to find out who that boy was. She told herself she'd speak with her husband about it.

 

 

Connie and her little boy got into their vehicle a mini SUV her employer had issued her and drove to their hotel. Kellan looked around excited to see the city of his birth. He asked his mother all about the place, curious as to why she'd left. Connie did her best to answer him as she tried to remember that 'keep left' didn't apply here. Kellan then asked about his father. He was at that age where a child wants to know everything about everything. He'd asked her about his father a couple of days ago and Connie had sat down with him and shown him her pictures of him. Jason had passed away before his birth.

She would never forget that day. She was eight months along at the time. It was a Saturday and she was at home resting. She was due in the hospital the next day as the doctors felt she should be under constant care now. It had become an increasingly difficult pregnancy, her feet were swollen and her back ached. Gina wasn’t around that weekend and she was alone.

Connie didn’t like being alone with her thoughts anymore so she’d switched on the TV to cast away any gloomy thoughts she might have. As she was channel surfing, looking for something suitably distracting to watch she happened upon the news.

There was a shooting going on downtown. She watched and was surprised to see Jason’s workplace being filmed. A helicopter was hovering above the building. Someone had walked in and started shooting indiscriminately.

A growing sense of foreboding crept into her mind as she watched, after 30 minutes of rolling coverage she saw bodies being wheeled out. She was hit by a wave of wracking pain worse than any she’d ever experienced. Connie quickly reached for her phone and dialled 911, bringing her go bag near.

She was rushed to hospital where the doctors made the decision to remove the baby. Her son was born while she was under as the doctors worked to save both their lives. Connie nearly bled to death. She’d needed 6 pints of blood. It had been a difficult birth and nearly dying had made her very close to her baby. After hours after of painstaking surgery she was stable and came back to. She was too weak to stand but the nurse took her bed to the incubator so she could see her son.

That was the happiest moment of Connie’s life, surpassing even the day she’d seen her new body for the first time. Connie realised that her life had changed now, nothing would ever be the same, she had someone who needed her and promised herself to do her best. It was an emotional moment, she’d cried, as he looked so tiny and unprepared for the world. She could hardly believe he was hers, that she’d carried him. Connie didn’t think it was possible to love anyone more than she loved her son at that moment.

Her good feelings didn’t last. The next day brought news that Jason was dead.

He'd died in the shooting. A disgruntled former employee had walked in and started shooting indiscriminately. Jason had died instantly probably before realizing what was going on. Because she was still convalescing she'd missed his funeral. When she got out of the hospital she'd managed to go with Gina to the grave and cry her heart out.

Connie had decided she needed to get away from it all. She didn’t want to raise her child in an apartment where she’d experienced so much sorrow. Luckily an opportunity had arisen in her company to go overseas. She'd taken a job in the U.K. when her son was six months old just to get away from the pain she was feeling from everything that had happened in the last year or so. Gina had followed her there on an exchange program a couple of months later. So strong was the bond both girls had developed that it was a no-brainer that they would live together in Hertfordshire.

Kellan had been a literal lifesaver. His birth had given Connie purpose for the first time since the fallout from coming out to her loved ones. Here was someone completely dependent on her. He wouldn't judge her and needed her. As he grew older she appreciated each and every moment she managed to spend with him and marvelled at the unique individual he was. It amazed her that her own parents could have disowned her as she loved her own child so much that she could never push him away.

Of course being a single mother wasn’t easy she had to juggle her job with looking after an infant while adjusting to living in a foreign country. Gina’s presence helped a lot though and between the two of them and her company’s in-house nursery they managed not to make a hash of things. Even then there were moments when she’d wished for her mother. There were times when her baby would cry in the middle of the night and nothing could placate him and she’d end up in tears too. She’d come close to calling Helen more than once but the wounds her parents had inflicted on her were too deep for her to forget let alone forgive. Luckily her sister was there for her and that kept her from hurting too much. They talked about what had happened which did a lot to help Connie heal.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go sis,” Connie had told her sister, “I mean look at Kellan. He is so precious, I can’t imagine ever not wanting him around,” she murmured.

“If Mum and Dad feel the way I feel I don’t know how they could have said the things they did,” Connie remarked.

Gina looked at her sister before giving her a hug, as much for herself as it was for Connie.

Gina had taken a job in England after graduating to be near her sister and nephew. They’d been a happy little family, both sisters doting on the little boy while growing closer than ever.

 

 

Helen Richards missed her children. Gina was living in England at the moment at least she knew where she was even though the girl seemed to avoid them. She called once a week but Helen sensed that she'd never really forgiven her for what had happened with David. She would never get over Julian's death but it was what had happened with David that finished her broken heart.

It had been more than half a decade. With hindsight she realised she should have stood up for her child, throwing her out had been cruel. She didn’t like the idea of a sex-change but they were the only parents David had.

He was still alive, at least she hoped he was as she had no way of knowing but she'd acquiesced to her husband treating him like he was dead. She had no idea where he was. His number wasn't active anymore. Helen suspected Gina knew but she wouldn't talk about it.

She couldn’t help wondering what her child was up to what he looked like just like she wondered what Julian would be like if it wasn’t for that accident, she couldn’t get her mind around the fact that her baby was living as a woman. She would have loved to see what he looked like, to at least talk to him. She ached for her children. Never in her worst nightmares could she have imagined things would be like this.

Jack had mellowed on a lot of things but on David he was intransigent, he wouldn’t hear of them looking for him. Helen looked at a family portrait taken when her kids had been 18, 12 and 10. She couldn’t help but miss those days. Things had been so much simpler back then.

Helen picked up the phone and called a number she’d found months before.

“Hello, this is Lansing Security. May I help you?”

“Hello, my name is Helen Richards. I’m trying to track down my son, is it possible for you to help me,”

“You’ll need to come down to our offices on Westlake and Sixth. When are you free?”

“Will this afternoon do?”

“Ok, I’ll pencil you in for 3 o’clock,”

“Thank you,”

To be continued.
 
 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

---

 

 
 
Chapter Seven
 

Connie smiled as she walked out of her company’s head office. The interview had gone quite well despite her worst fears and her rushed start that morning as she tried to keep time while making sure she looked perfect and that Kellan was fed and clothed too. They had just made it and she felt she might get the job.

She hoped it was the British post as she was already based there and didn’t want to uproot Kellan who she noted had a faint English accent now. She loved the US as much as the next person but she wasn’t sure she wanted her child to grow up in a country where people could walk into schools and shoot kids.

It seemed like every time she switched on the news there was some new shooting. The only solution she'd heard was more guns, which in her opinion was ludicrous. Considering what had happened to Jason she wasn’t sure she wanted his son to grow up here facing the same dangers. Plus Kellan had a bunch of friends back in the UK; especially one girl named Stacy who he’d declared was his future wife.

Why take the interview, knowing she might be posted back to the States?

It was a question she’d asked herself many times but in the end there were a number of reasons. A part of her wanted to go see her home again as well as show her son where he came from. She also wanted to see where she stood professionally, was she good enough for a place in senior management?

All this had made her apply and she didn’t regret it. It had been nice to see her old team again. The guys hadn’t changed except that some of their tables now had pictures of their kids. Aside from that it was just like old times.

 

 

Dion Lansing wondered how crazy some people could be. The story he’d just heard beggared belief. Basically this woman had a son who’d had surgery to become a woman and when the parents found out they disowned him. Helen, the client had no idea where her child was. Their other kid had gone to England and hardly spoke to them. She thought she had no intention of returning. Who could blame her, he wondered.

He shook his head. He didn’t have kids but liked to think if he did, his door would always be open for them. He shook his head again to clear his mind. It wasn’t up to him to judge his clients especially when they were paying top dollar for his services.

He had to establish his quarry’s name first. The mother didn’t even know what the kid’s name was. More work for him and more money he thought. He turned to his desktop, knowing that name changes are a matter of public record.

It didn’t take him too long to find the record of a name change. Some years before, his client’s child had petitioned for a name change, possibly because of the sex-change she'd done. He knew who to look for now, a Constance David Richards.

He googled her, knowing that people left more information than they realised online. There was no sign of her. He sighed; he was going to have to work for this money. He picked up the dossier he'd compiled on Connie from the information her mother had passed onto him.

She was the second of two siblings, sandwiched between a now deceased brother and a little sister who was in the UK. Mrs. Richards had said they barely talked to the younger girl; maybe it was because of their reaction to the transition.

He decided a cold call might be in order.

 

 

"Mummy," yelled little Kellan when he spotted his mother.

He hadn't reached that age when little boys don't want to be seen as too close to their mothers in public thought Connie with a smile as she embraced her son.

Truth be told, the two of them were quite close, Kellan simply adored his parent while Connie loved him more than life itself. She couldn’t imagine her life without him.

She looked into his impossibly blue eyes, which reminded her of her brother's.

"Hi honey, did you have fun today?'' Connie asked him

Kellan nodded happily, "Yes, we made paper planes and mine flew the furthest,'' he chirped.

Basil Koumakis coughed, making a rasping noise that was the result of years of cigarette smoking.

“A kid who looks like Jason," Basil wheezed.

"I know it sounds crazy but he is the spitting image of our boy Basil. I thought I was hallucinating," Lynn said shaking her head.

Basil wanted to say she was but he knew that wouldn’t be fair to his wife. Losing their son was the worst thing that had happened in their long marriage. They were still struggling to get over it.

He squeezed her hand gently.

"I took a picture," said Lynn, pulling her phone out of her bag, "look,'' she said scrolling through her phone.

Basil took the proffered phone if only to indulge the woman he'd loved for so long.

Lynn had one of these new android phones that took excellent pictures even at a distance. It had been a gift from their daughter Leia and she now fancied herself an amateur photographer. She wasn't half bad too and he was glad she had something to interest her.

The image on the screen nearly stopped Basil's old heart.

"Goodness," he murmured.

"See I told you," Lynn remarked, happy that she'd proved her point.

Basil looked at her, immediately seeing the potential for her heart to break again if as he still thought this wasn't Jason's boy.

"He would have told us," he argued.

"What if he didn’t know?''

"This is a big city Lynn, I'm sure we can find someone who looks like you if we try hard enough,'' Basil argued.

"I need to know, what if we have a grandson out there." Lynn argued.

Basil sighed heavily, "I don't want you to get hurt," he said softly.

Lynn embraced her husband, "Nothing could hurt more than this," she murmured.

 

 

Gina had just arrived home when the telephone rang. She sighed having the house to herself was not as fun as she'd thought it would be, for one she had to answer the phone instead of Connie. She saw it was a US number which wasn't her parents (which had a special ringtone so Connie wouldn’t pick it up).

Her heart leapt, she hoped it might be Connie and Kellan, they'd been gone three days, and she missed them already.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"Hello ma'am, may I speak to Constance Richards please?"

"Sorry I didn’t get your name?" Gina said, rather wary.

"Oh, I apologise, my name is Lenny Weiss, and I’m calling on behalf of the Eastwood University Alumni Association. Ms Richards left this number on a contact form, we are currently organising some programs to help Eastwood and are looking up alumni we have on record to see if their interested."

Dion Lansing was an excellent liar when he needed to get information.

Gina suspicions settled, her university did this at least every year too. She didn’t recall Connie ever mentioning it but it was one of those things that you wouldn’t mention anyway. It sounded legit too.

"I'm sorry Ms.Richards isn't around at the moment. Try calling again in a week," Gina responded before putting the phone down.

Lansing sat in his little office, brows knitted, opening, and closing a bull clip repeatedly. It was something he'd picked up back when he was still a cop and was deep in thought about a case. He carefully pieced together the clues he'd gathered.

A woman had answered Gina Richards’s phone. She didn’t have a British accent but she'd confirmed that was a number where one could reach Connie. Ergo Connie lived with Gina. Connie wasn't around at the moment but would be in a week.

He thought Gina was very safety conscious, she didn’t say anything other than confirm a hunch. He now knew the siblings lived together in England and Gina obviously hadn't let her parents know that she wasn't estranged from her sibling as they were.

On another hunch he visited the site of Connie Richard's last employer. He checked under the human capital link. There was no sign of her. He then saw a link to the companies British operations. He followed the link and then visited the people page.

He saw his first picture of Constance Richards; he stared for a whole minute. She had the loveliest smile, bright green eyes, and gorgeous mane of strawberry blonde hair. He was stunned; there was no way that used to be a man. He couldn’t see any of the telltale signs that indicated someone who'd had a sex-change.

He noted that she was the Senior Systems administrator for a British region. Her qualifications matched the information he'd been given by Helen except for the name. He did a double take when he read that she was a mother of one.

He knew enough about gender reassignment to know that wasn't possible, unless she adopted.

Yes that was probably it, she'd adopted. He also noted that there was no mention of her marital status.

‘Interesting,’ Dion thought.

He tried to imagine why parents would disown a child. He didn’t have kids and had never married as he simply hadn’t met the right girl; his own father had been a marine sergeant while his mother had been a housewife. They had been loving but strict. Unless he was naughty there wasn't much he'd feared to be open with them about. Of course he didn’t pretend to understand the first thing about why someone would change their gender, except he knew that the people who felt like were very cut up and couldn't live what their mind insisted was a lie.

He glanced at Connie's graduation picture, heck she didn’t even look like a 22 year old man but like a girl acting as a man. Well she'd certainly grown into quite a woman; she wasn't turning tricks like so many other transwomen did to survive and clearly ascending the career ladder and had a kid to boot. He was sure she was a daughter most would be proud of. A woman he would ask out no questions asked.

'Except she used to be a man,'

He shook his head; Jack Richards was a fool he thought.

He needed to find out where Connie was and the easiest way was to call her employer.

 

 

Connie listened to her child regaling her with his exploits at school. She couldn’t help thinking how beautiful the world was when you saw it through the eyes of a child. Had she ever had that happiness?

She wanted to think so, before her gender issues had all but consumed her waking existence. Maybe when she was 4 or 5 and her world revolved around Gina, Julian and her mother. Julian would place her on his shoulders and race around the garden with her while she shrieked with joy. Mom made the most amazing treats for them and was always there with a kiss and hug. Gina was her playmate, following her around all the time. Even Dad hadn’t been so bad he was an idol to them. Life had been much simpler back then. It was a crying shame that people grew up and things had to change.

“Mom, are you listening?” Kellan asked worried look on his face.

“Of course honey, you were telling me all about Mark,” Connie said giving her son an indulgent smile.

Jack Richards looked at his wife of over 3 decades wondering what was bothering her. She’d been behaving funny lately. He didn’t know what it was but she wasn’t acting her normal self these days. There were furtive calls in the hallway when she thought he was outside, he thought she was avoiding him somewhat.

All in all he was highly suspicious. Something was up but he was prepared to let it go, she probably had a good reason for it. He looked across the room and saw a family portrait from years back. He sighed as he asked himself what he had done wrong to have his family destroyed.

Julian was dead, the little boy who’d been so cheerful and brought so much joy to their lives, gone at 24. His heart still ached at the loss, it was so unfair. He wondered why he couldn’t have died instead. Then there was David, as if Julian dying wasn’t enough he had got some notion into his head that he was a woman. He’d even had the surgery, that had been six years back.

“I wouldn’t stand for that,’’ he muttered.

Still deep down he wondered where he’d gone wrong with the boy.

He could barely recall if he had beaten him or anything. Had anyone abused him, the kid was a loner and they had tried to bring him out of his shell but he’d seemed happy enough with his books. He tried to remember what he’d said.

“Ever since I was four or five I’ve felt something was wrong with me. It’s like I was something inside that I wasn’t on the outside”.

“Because I had to. Like I said I hated being a boy and my body and that was the only way I could feel comfortable with myself and it worked. I like the body I have now and living as a woman feels so right,” David had explained.

He remembered his disbelief and anger then his disgust when he’d revealed that he’d mutilated his body. His anger had been justified but now with time he believed he should have counselled his child not disowned him.

They hadn’t heard from him since that day and didn’t know whether he was alive or dead. His pride wouldn’t let him look for him, call him home. He wasn’t going to accept that shit but he couldn’t help feeling an acute sadness at the loss of his kid. He’d been so proud of David, he wasn’t a sportsman or popular but he had always respected his intelligence and kind heart. Of the three of them he knew David was the cleverest, kindest, and most mature of his kids which is why he’d been so upset at him being a homo. He was willing to admit that he was quite disappointed.

Then there was Gina, he’d spoilt the girl no doubt but after what had happened with her brother, she’d transferred to England and barely talked to them. She hadn’t said as much but he knew she wasn’t pursuing educational opportunities. She didn’t trust them anymore. Not that he blamed her, she probably saw him as a monster for how he’d treated David.

Jack rubbed his eyes, tired.

He sighed heavily, unable to fathom the answer to why his family was broken. This wasn’t how he’d envisioned his retirement. He stood up and walked outside hoping to lose himself in his garden.

For a while he could forget all his troubles.

To be continued

Hello David

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com. The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

Legalities: This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author. ~Sydney Moya.

---

 

 
 
Chapter Eight
 

Dion Lansing called Connie’s office in an effort to find out where she was. The friendly assistant informed him Connie was out of the country at the moment but asked if she could pencil him in for an appointment as soon as she got back.

Knowing there was no way he could cross the Atlantic without informing his customer of the added expense he declined.

He had to find out where she was.

“Do you know which country she went to?”

“Oh she went to the States, she is visiting our head office,” the friendly assistant informed him.

Dion made an air punch.

“Oh well, thanks. I’ll wait for her to return. You’ve been so helpful,” he told her.

“You’re welcome sir,” the bubbly secretary said.

It continued to amaze Dion what kind of information a few phone calls could get you if you asked the right questions.

‘Maybe I should have had a career in the CIA or as a burglar,’ Dion thought, not for the first time.

 
 

 

Connie was blissfully unaware that someone was searching high and low for her. Instead she was too busy showing her kid the city where he’d been born. Kellan had so many questions for his Mom like,

“Where were you born Mommy?”

“Oh I was born in California, that’s across the country,”

“Really, you travelled a lot didn’t you?”

“Not really, my parents used to travel before I was born because of Dad’s job,” she told him.

“What was your dad’s job,” Kellan queried.

“He was a pilot in the airforce,”

“Was he a jet pilot?” Kellan asked, “I want to fly jets too,”

Connie smiled at her little boy.

“I really don’t know what he did in the airforce. I know he flew planes before I was born and he was in charge of deploying them later on.”

“Mommy,”

“Yes my darling?”

“Where are your daddy and mommy?”

Connie sighed mentally, it was a question she and her sister always tried to avoid but her son had been asking it repeatedly for months now almost as frequently as the one about his father. Apparently all the kids at school always spent weekends at their grandparents all the time.

“I haven’t seen them since before you were born luv,” she responded.

“Why not?”

“Well they live in America and we live in Britain,”

“Can we visit them?” Kellan asked.

“No,” said Connie abruptly.

“Why not?” Kellan repeated.

Connie took a deep breath, what she was about to say went against everything she had told her child.

“Well they my parents don’t want to see me ever again,” she confessed.

The little boy frowned.

“That’s not nice,” he remarked.

“No its not sweetie, no more questions okay,” she said before ruffling his hair.

“Mommy I will always love you,” said Kellan solemnly.

Connie was touched, “Me too sweetie, it’s us against the world,” she said before kissing him.

“Time for a bath if you want to see the dinosaur exhibit,” she added.

“Yay,” Kellan whooped before rushing to the bathroom.

Connie smiled, wondering how poorer her life would be without this little boy.

 
 

 

Dion called his client to update her on the progress he was making.

“Hello,” said the gruff voice of Jack Richards.

“Hello, I’m looking for Helen Richards,” Dion replied.

“Why, what is it in connection with?”

“Sorry who am I speaking to?”

“Jack Richards, her husband,” said Jack, getting curious.

Dion was aware Mrs Richards hadn’t informed her husband about her search for their child.

“Sir could you please get tell her to contact Mr Lansing, she’s won a sweepstakes competition,” lied Dion his voice cheerful, “she get one year’s supply of hair care products.”

“Oh that’s nice, I’ll get her to call you back. What is the number?”

Dion gave an unlisted number of his that didn’t give the name of his business. It was a security system he had in place for similar situations only they usually involved infidelity. The guilty partner wouldn’t find out about Lansing Security.

“Okay got it, have a nice day,” said the colonel after taking down the number.

Helen would be pleased he thought. She’d seemed a bit down lately.

While he waited for her call Dion decided to do a bit more research. If Connie was in the States he figured she was probably on a work related assignment. He thought it wasn’t a coincidence that the hq of her company was in this city meaning there was a high chance she was around.

Maybe he could talk to her.

He stood up and went downstairs.

The people at her firm were very nice and told him all he wanted to know. He knew which hotel she was in so all he had to do was wait in the lobby for her to show up. He wasn’t disappointed as after a couple of hours she rocked up with a little boy.

They wore big smiles and were walking hand in hand.

He stood up and approached her.

‘Gosh, she’s lovely,’ he thought as he looked her up and down.

She was about five foot seven, her strawberry blonde mane shone in the light with a trim figure that had curves in the right places that seemed to be emphasised by her jeans and sweater. Her green eyes twinkled and brightened her fine features.

She was drop dead gorgeous.

Dion couldn’t believe this woman could ever have been a man.

He doubted she was the right person even as he hailed her,

“Ms Richards, excuse me,”

Connie stopped and looked at the man who was calling her.

He was white, with short brown hair, of average height, slim build and wore non-descript glasses that hid a plain yet chiselled and clean shaven face with an inscrutable expression.

Connie gave him a quizzical stare.

“Yes,” she said smiling

“Hi my name is Dion Lansing, I’m a private investigator,” he said offering his hand.

Her smile faded and Dion felt like someone had switched off the sun.

“What’s the matter?” Connie asked, her expression closed up.

She drew her child closer to her.

“Do you know a Helen Richards?” Dion asked.

He saw the colour drain out of her face. Her eyes narrowed.

“What’s this about?”

“She’s looking for you,” he explained.

Connie blinked back surprise, her face became a canvas of conflicting expressions curiosity versus disdain versus anger.

Anger won out in the end.

“I don’t want to be found Mr Lansing,’’ she said, her voice ice cold.

‘Let’s go,” she said to her son.

Dion wasn’t prepared for this answer and he stood there confused as they walked away. By the time he had recovered his wits, mother and son had already boarded an elevator.

There was no doubt he had found his quarry and she wanted nothing to do with her mother.

He realised that she was still hurting from the rejection by her mother.

 
 

 

“I am returning Mr Lansing’s call,” Helen said on reaching Dion’s voicemail.

Dion picked up the phone.

“Hi Mrs Richards,” he said.

“Hi Mr Lansing, I heard you called,” said Helen, sounding nervous.

“Yes I found your daughter,” said Dion.

He couldn’t refer to Connie as a man

Helen’s heart skipped a beat.

“David’s alive?”

“Yes but he is certainly not David anymore. She is a systems manager at an IT company in England,” Dion began.

“England?” Helen asked confused.

“Yes she has lived there for close to five years now,”

Helen’s realised why Gina had wanted to go there so badly now.

“Gina lives with her no doubt,” Helen said with a sigh.

“I think so,” Dion replied.

Helen was sad her Gina had kept this from her but pleased someone in the family hadn’t rejected Connie.

“DO you have an address?”

“Not yet but there’s something else you should know, Connie is in the US at the moment. I met her today,” Dion said.

“You did?” Helen asked, her heart beating faster at the news, “is she okay? Healthy, does she seem happy?”

Dion felt sorry for her.

“Yes she seems happy enough. She has a son. I think he might be five or six,” Dion said.

Helen gasped.

“A son?”

“Yes,”

“Oh my goodness,” Helen said, shocked and delighted at the same time.

“I am sending you a picture right now,” Dion continued.

Helen glanced at the message.

It was a clear picture of a beautiful strawberry blonde woman in her twenties and a little boy with dark hair. Tears fell from her eyes as she stared at the picture.

“Ma’am I approached her,” Dion said.

“What did she say?” Helen asked, hungry for information.

“I introduced myself and asked if she knew you. She said she didn’t want to be found. I’m sorry,” Dion said.

He was genuinely sorry as he heard the woman sob. It was such a sad state of affairs

 
 

 

“The nerve, hiring a PI to look for me after what she did?” Connie angrily complained to Gina.

“Tell me you’re kidding?”

“I kid you not sis. Why now?”

“You’re her child Connie, she’s a mother. It’s natural,” Gina replied.

“Was it natural to disown me?” Connie snapped.

“No it wasn’t but don’t yell at me,” Gina answered.

“Sorry sis I’m just so upset ya know,” apologised Connie

“I know hon, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling,” Gina responded.

Connie sighed, “It hurts so much that they couldn’t love me for I was and that they threw me out and now they want to find me. That doesn’t fly,” she said.

“What do you want to do?”

“Nothing, they should just keep their distance and I’ll keep mine,” Connie remarked.

Gina wished her sister would forgive her parents but she remembered the girl she had found in that apartment after they had thrown her out. Connie had been wild-eyed and dejected.

It was a minor miracle she had recovered from that in her opinion. It would be hard to forgive her father and mother hurting her . Heck she’d been so angry herself she’d followed her sister out of the country.

“Con, when you get back maybe you should see someone,” Gina suggested.

Connie ran her fingers through her hair.

“Yeah, Kellan asked about them this morning,” she told her baby sister.

“Wow again, what’d you tell him?”

“The truth, that they threw me out and didn’t want to see me again. Do you know what he said afterwards?”

“Yes,” Gina prompted.

“He told me he would always love me,” said Connie, her voice cracking with emotion.

Gina blinked back tears too.

“That’s so sweet. Give him a kiss for me will you.”

Connie regaled her with what they had done earlier in the day, from their trip to the museum to see a dinosaur exhibition to their sightseeing tour around the city as well as the lunch and two ice creams Kellan had asked for.

Gina sighed, then noticed the time.

“I wish I was there,” she told her sister, “I have to go, ‘night,”

“Goodnight Gina, love ya,”

“I love you too girl,” Gina replied before hanging up.

She reflected on her last words. It never ceased to amaze her how much her sibling had changed from when they were kids. She had had no idea David longed to be Connie and was actually a girl like her.

That was why she had been so shocked when she found out what Connie had done.

She’d read up on gender dysphoria after Connie had come out. Looking back she had realised her sibling had been quite different from other boys and let’s face it effeminate. She remembered how the kids had pushed her around just because she was so introverted and they couldn’t get it.

One friend of hers had told her that people thought David was a homo.

“I mean look at him,” she’d said pointing out David’s girly face and gait.

Gina had ended that friendship out of loyalty to her sibling but she hadn’t reached out to David either. She’d had been too self-absorbed to see her sibling's pain and to be honest David had been such a loner.

All that had changed with her unplanned visit years back which had led to her discovering Connie that fateful afternoon. She had seen her sister happy for the first time in her life and realised that David was nothing but an illusion.

She’d talked Connie into telling their parents leading to the disastrous results Connie had predicted. She’d watched Connie get her heart broken by a useless man, get her life back on course and then discover that she was pregnant and had been genetically a girl all along.

Gina had felt cheated on Connie’s behalf, cheated out of an older sister for so long. She had watched her risk her life to have her baby against the doctors and her own advice. She’d seen her stand up to her fear to have a baby.

She’d watched her grieve for her baby’s father before taking a leap and moving to a foreign country in an effort to find peace. Gina had watched her raise Kellan with so much love and care.

They had navigated womanhood together and were as close any sisters you could find. She was in awe of her sister, her best friend and confidante, without a doubt the bravest person she knew.

‘Mom and Dad have no idea what their missing,’ she thought.

To be continued.
 
 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

 

CHAPTER TWO

ONE YEAR LATER

Jenny Wolhuter sat in the conference room of her law firm looking at the Golden Gate Bridge. She was a rising star at the prestigious law firm of Rutledge, Goldstein and Faber, an associate already in the running for plum position as a partner and this was from a person barely out of law school though she’d graduated magna cum laude and top of her class. The 21 year old had everything going for her, a stellar career, stunning looks, a vibrant social life and the biggest wish of her life was about to come true.

Sighing she reached for the picture on her desk and looked at it. Her sister June was in it and half a world away in Johannesburg. It had been over a year since they’d seen at each other and that had had been at the airport as Jenny left for the States to pursue her dream, leaving her family shattered. Her parents hadn’t spoken to her since she’d told them what she planned and she missed them terribly. Their failure to accept her decision to live her life as a woman hurt Jenny deeply especially considering how they’d completely cut themselves from her not answering her letters or taking her phone calls. June was the only member of her family in touch with her and consequently the only one Jenny felt she could ask for assistance.

“Hello June, it’s Jenny. I really wanted to talk to you but you’re obviously not in so let me just say it. I’ve finally got the money for my surgery and I’m going for the op next month I’d really appreciate it if you could be there for it, I don’t want to go through this alone and it would mean so much if you came. I hope you’re okay, everything’s great here, rumour has it I might get a promotion anytime soon so keep your fingers crossed for me. ‘Kay that’s about it. I love you and I’ll call you later. Bye,” said the message June found on her answering machine.

A great wave of sadness washed over June as she realised the importance of her sibling’s words. Basically in a month or so her sweet little brother would take the final step in his transformation into a woman, becoming Jenny forever for reasons she barely understood.

Jenny’s decision had meant leaving for America and becoming estranged from their parents who never mentioned her anymore. It was like Jan had died. The person she spoke to on the phone spoke in Jan’s sweet, high pitched voice basically unchanged since childhood but to June that person was a stranger she barely knew and possibly didn’t want to know. Deep in heart she knew she wanted her cute, sweet, shy brother back though another part of her knew that that same boy had been very different from other boys. They’d liked the same toys as children, when they’d played dress-up Jan had worn her clothes and had always played the part of the mother or daughter or sister. Not once June recalled had Jan voluntarily being the father or son.

Jan had also cried when made to get haircuts as well as despising having a penis. She remembered how much Jan had wanted clothes like hers and to be a girl all the time not only when they played. As she grew up she’d thought that had finished but it obviously hadn’t.

It hadn’t taken June long to realise her brother was unlike other boys. Just looking at her male cousins and schoolmates told her so but she’d never disliked Jan for it, in fact she loved him for being so sweet, sensitive and affectionate and as they grew up and apart that hadn’t changed.

Still the idea of a sex-change was so shocking even to a liberal young woman like her. After all those things were only done by crazy, unbalanced people whose stories appeared in the “wacky” section of her local paper.

In South Africa getting a sex-change was unheard of and in her 25 years she’d never met a transsexual. No wonder her father couldn’t even consider the idea and was of the opinion that sending Jan to America at 17 had corrupted him.

‘This house is so sad without Jan around thought June at dinner later that night at her parents’ home. Things were so different, her father was silent, taciturn, while her mother over-compensated by chattering to both of them, though it could never be the same as when Jan had been around as Jan had always been Rachel’s darling, able to chatter back to her and talk seriously with Dad while gossiping with June too.

Even when in the States for three straight years, talking about Jan’s latest phone call and prospects had done the trick. Now Jan’s name was never mentioned in this house and June wasn’t about to bring up a painful subject by telling her parents Jan was going to go under the knife and end up with a vagina in thirty days. That would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Heck her parents didn’t even know she was regularly in touch with Jan. still it hurt to see how her parents pretended Jan didn’t exist. Sure Jan’s decision had turned everything upside down and hurt them but she was still their flesh and blood and nothing would undo that.

‘I know Jan would back me up if I needed it, if Mum and Dad don’t care I still do,’ she thought.

“Mum, Dad I’m planning on going overseas next month,” June announced at the end of dinner.

“Really, where to?” Rachel queried.

“Europe for some business,” replied June, “I also need a break,” she added.

She wasn’t lying per se because she did mean to go Europe before making her way to the US.

“How long are you staying there?” Rachel asked.

“Four to six weeks,” replied June.

Even though she’d decided to go the States it took June another 2 days to get back to her sister because she’d been having second thoughts about it. Was she about to give her approval for Jan’s unusual decision? Her parents would probably never forgive her of she was party to what they thought of as Jan’s folly. In the end though after a lot of introspection her love for Jan won out. Ever since they’d been kids she’d always looked out for her sibling and they’d always been there for one another. Even if Jan was a girl that didn’t change the fact that she was still her older sister and with that came a fierce protectiveness which had remained strong since Jan’s birth.

‘Besides, what if I was in her shoes, wouldn’t I need my family with me?’

“Hey Jenny, its June,” began June awkwardly when she called to tell Jan she was coming. The awkwardness happened every time she had to use Jan’s new name, getting used to it was very difficult but she did it because it was what Jan/Jenny wanted.

“Hey sis,” said Jenny cheerfully in the same voice she’d used forever.

Her voice had never broken but since coming out June had always been unnerved by it. It was so feminine, something she hadn’t realised until Jenny came out. Part off her knew this knowledge was poisoning her view of her sibling because she was now reading into every feminine thing about Jenny.

“How are you? I hope you got my message,” continued Jenny.

“I’m okay love,” replied June, “when do you want me to fly over?” she added.

“You’re coming? June that’s fantastic. You have no idea how much that means to me and I’ve missed you much,” gushed Jenny, clearly overjoyed.

June’s heart swelled, “I’ve missed you too,” she said warmly, “when I can come?” she finished.

“ASAP doll! You’ll love it here, there’s so many cool shops,” Jenny said, sounding very excited, “and we have so much catching up to do,” replied June happily.

Her sister’s excitement seemed infectious.

June guessed the queasy feeling in her stomach was trepidation. It happened every time she was on a plane, especially during the landing. This time it felt stronger than ever for reasons she didn’t quite understand though she guessed some of her nervousness had a lot to do with meeting her sister for the first time.

‘What would Jenny look like?’

‘What am I going to say to her?’’

‘Will people stare?’ June asked herself over and over as the plane made its descent.

Jenny meanwhile was waiting patiently at the arrivals lounge. She was even more anxious than June was. She had only seen her pictures but never met her as Jenny. Coming alone hadn’t helped much but since no one she was close to in the States had any idea of her background it had been the only viable option if she didn’t want to be outed by her sister. Not that she expected June to do that but she wanted to play it safe and avoid the potential for awkward moments with any third parties.

After clearing customs and immigration, June had walked slowly into the terminal, scanning the mosaic of faces for her sister's. Suddenly she saw a huge placard with, “JUNE WOLHUTER” inscribed on it. A svelte blonde was holding it up and she realised that girl was Jenny.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before starting towards her

‘Wow,’ thought June as she walked towards Jenny, ‘she’s absolutely gorgeous!’

Jenny happened to look in her direction at that moment and their eyes met. At the sight of her sister, Jenny’s joy overcame her nervousness and she rushed meet her.

“June,” began Jenny happily, giving her sister a big hug, “it’s so good to see you. Thank you so much for agreeing to come. So how are you?” said Jenny all at once after letting go.

June stood there holding Jenny’s hands and unable to reply because she was so shocked by Jenny’s appearance. The honest truth was Jenny was drop dead gorgeous with a long mane of blonde hair, attractive face, nice bust and sculptured legs to die for. Everything about her just shouted “girl”.

“I know, I know I look a bit different from when you last saw me but I’m very happy with who I am,” said Jenny, sensing her sisters amazement, “and chill I’m not going to eat you or anything,” she teased finally winning a smile from June.

“Well don’t you think a bit different is an understatement?” June remarked making Jenny laugh and lightening the moment.

“How are you honey?” June gently asked.

“I’m great sis,” said Jenny simply, “my life’s back on track again.”

Looking into Jenny’s eyes June sensed that she was right, her eyes were just so alive and radiated life and inner peace, something that had been absent that winter night in Johannesburg.

Jenny smiled knowingly as the older girl stared at her.

“Come on let me take this,” she said easily, taking the handle of the baggage cart from her sister.

“Okay shall we go home or do you want to look at the local attractions first,” went Jenny before striking a sexy pose which made her sister giggle.

“Still funny I see,” remarked June, smiling back

To be continued

CHAPTER THREE

In the car Jenny talked about the sights in San Francisco and the places worth visiting while June listened, while watching the bubbly young woman for any sign of her brother. She failed to find any sign of Jenny’s male past. From head to toe all she saw was a girl, a very attractive one at that if she was honest and she wondered at the changes in her sibling. From what she could discern Jenny had the whole girl thing down pat, all the way to her body language and voice inflection and it left her quite shaken.

“Wow,” breathed June, when they arrived at Jenny’s apartment.

“You like?” Jenny said.

June nodded as she scanned her siblings well decorated apartment.

“You have really great taste,”

Coming from June, an interior designer this was a major compliment, “I didn’t know you had it in you,” she added.

“Thanks,” said Jenny gracefully, “Would you like a drink, snack?” Jenny said, as she put away her sister’s bags and showed her the guest room.

“Sure what do you have here?” June replied.

“I have soda’s, coffee, iced tea,” responded Jenny.

“Any rooibos,” June asked.

“Sorry I hate that stuff and it’s hard to find here,” said Jenny, rather too happily in her sister’s opinion.

Jenny had despised the South African tea from her childhood while June thought it was an absolute must.

“Sure it is,” she said rolling her eyes before asking for a coffee.

The coffee did nothing for the jet lag and June dozed off after finishing her cup despite Jenny’s dire warnings that she’d regret it later. Jenny knew first-hand the effects of jet lag as she recalled her arrival in the US.

Over a year ago she’d found herself in San Francisco so she could become whole. It was a journey that had started many years before though she recalled as she set about making dinner.

Jenny had a prodigious intellect. As a child she’d skipped three grades and her IQ had been in the 140’s. She’d matriculated at 14 and won a special dispensation to go to university two years early. She’d taken her first degree in business at 17 before going to the US for law school. While there she’d taken a law degree as well as a history degree through long distance.

Her problems with her gender had been quite clear to her by the time she was ten. She knew deep down that she needed to have a female body and had secretly started taking birth control pills at fourteen in an attempt to make her body develop as a woman’s and not as a man’s. The hormones worked very well. She’d been pretty small for her age and hadn’t really been touched by testosterone which meant that the oestrogen had a blank slate to work on. Her breasts had developed as had her hips giving her a very feminine figure that she hid under the baggy clothes that were so fashionable when she first attended university. With time she learned to bind her breasts when presenting as a boy. Her face wasn’t so easily hidden and was quite pretty but everyone (her parents) assumed it was just puppy fat which she’d grow out of one day.

She was quite an independent child. Going to university at a young age made her parents assume she was more mature and they were inclined to watch from a distance. Since she kept getting top marks and was well behaved, polite and responsible she was quite free to chart the course she wanted.

Willem was also quite busy with his career while Rachel also ran a successful wedding business as well as a being involved strongly in a charity to help orphans. With her sister at university in Cape Town while she was at the local one just miles from her house she had carte blanche with her wardrobe and was regularly going out as a girl sometimes missing lectures just to get to be herself. Initially she’d been terrified someone would realise she wasn’t female but when no one batted an eyelid and one or two boys wolf whistled at her she became far more confident. She visited malls and just wandered about and it was on one of these jaunts that she’d made friends with a bunch of kids who’d found her sitting alone at a table and asked to join her.

Jane, Courtney, Lucas and Sean were students at the local polytechnic. They were studying different things but had all attended the same local high school and were still friends. Jane was doing a course in office administration. Courtney was studying bookkeeping while Lucas and Sean were doing electrical engineering. All of them were easy going and quickly drew Jenny into their clique. Jenny was an outgoing person though shy around strangers and learning with kids older than her had only tended to make her more so. She’d had one close friend in high school, Lionel Van Zyl and that was because he was overweight and was a new boy at the school. None of the other kids had really warmed to him and she’d felt pity for him and become his friend.

Before she’d left school she’d told him her secret and to her surprise he had been disgusted and hadn’t wanted to talk to her for a couple of days though he didn’t tell anyone. After a week he’d apologised and said he’d thought about it and was sorry for his reaction. They’d continued as friends but never mentioned her gender again. When she matriculated Jenny had purposely lost touch with him as she didn’t want to remember the way he’d looked at her when she told him. It also made her more guarded with her secret.

As a result her new friends knew nothing of her real life and she lived a secret life until she graduated at 17. She’d even dated Lucas for a bit but because she was so young he’d ended it. By the time she’d gone to the State’s she’d socialised as a girl and was quite comfortable presenting as one.

Her reminisces were disturbed by June waking up. Once again she was surprised by her sibling. Jenny had a lovely meal ready for her. She'd had no idea Jenny could cook this well.

It consisted of fried langos potato bread, baked cherrystone clams and a bavette steak with yoghurt parfait for dessert.

A part of her wondered if this was another way of expressing her femininity.

“Where did you learn to cook so well?” June said as she ate her meal.

“Eva taught me when you were in Cape Town. I took some classes when I first came here,” Jenny revealed.

“How did you get Eva to do that?” June remarked referring to the domestic worker who’d practically raised them. She'd retired when Jenny went to the US and was sorely missed by all the Wolhuter's.

“She never wanted me to disturb her when she was in there,” June added.

“I asked her,” said Jenny simply.

“She always had a soft spot for you,” June mused.

“I have a way with people,” said Jenny primly.

June rolled her eyes.

“Well it’s true,” said Jenny with a smile.

June had to smile remembering the number of times her sibling had got out of trouble with her charming smile.

The two chatted about their lives catching up on one each others news. June regaled Jenny with anecdotes from her interior design business and the obnoxious people she sometimes worked for. Jenny talked about her job as a lawyer and the joy it brought when she won a case. She described a big case that she’d helped on and which had made her name as the best associate and June listened with interest.

“Nice. I bet Dad would love to have heard that,” said June without thinking.

Jenny’s face saddened.

“I guess so, I only did law because of him and grandpa,” she murmured.

“Do you have to go through with this?” June asked.

“Yes I do,” Jenny answered.

“Really, it just seems so drastic and well kind of weird for you to try and be a woman,” said June.

"I am a woman and I'm not trying," Jenny replied.

June sighed, "Really," she said pointedly.

“June you shouldn’t have come here if you have a problem with me and the choices I’ve made. I refuse to live my life to please you and Mum and Dad,” argued Jenny.

“That’s your problem Jan, everything has to revolve around you. Did you ever stop to think that they could be hurt by what you’re doing? You just showed up at home and told Mum and Dad you were going to get a sex-change then a week later you’d flown off to the States,” June answered.

“Oh dear, now it’s my fault huh? I didn’t throw myself out, Dad did,” Jenny hit back.

“Oh yes you did, you took the easy way out, you never tried to talk to him or show him what you look like or anything, you just gave up on him,” June retorted.

Jenny fought back the tears that threatened to overwhelm and her yelled back at her sister.

“I DID NOT; DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO HURT THEM? I WAS TRYING TO TELL THEM HOW I FELT.”

“Except you didn’t tell them Jan they have no idea you were suicidal you simply told them you needed surgery to make you a woman. How did you expect Pa to react when his only son said that? As far he was concerned you were doing something silly for reasons best known to you!”

“What would you have had me do, jump out of my office and leave him a note on my desk? Maybe you’d all believe me if I was dead. I’ve written once a week to them and not once have I gotten a response from them,” said Jenny angrily before turning her back on her sister and going to her room.

"There you go, walking away from the difficult discussions again," said June, also upset.

"I can't talk to you right now I need to be alone ok," answered Jenny before closing her door.

‘I wanted to be a girl so bad it hurt!’ Jenny thought as she flopped onto her bed.

The truth was she had hated having a male organ sticking out of her entire life, had detested it so much she’d felt like hacking it off.

People didn’t know how horrible it felt to hate your own body so much, to feel so trapped that you wanted to end your life. June didn’t seem to get it. Tears coursed down Jenny's cheeks as she lay there wondering.

‘Why can’t people get it?’

To be continued

Norwich girl

By Sydney Moya

(c) 2012-2013

This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.

Chapter two

Mr Devlin’s offer was too good to pass up, it wasn’t every day that someone offered you an all- expenses paid education in exchange for playing football as well as guaranteed employment after you were finished that education.

The more Ellen thought about it the more she came to realise she had nothing to lose; all she had was frankly a dead end job working in a sports shop. Sure Dave was a great boss but Ellen didn’t exactly see a future there in ten or so years.

This was a chance to get a university degree, something that wouldn’t hurt her in the long run. In fact it would probably widen her prospects in life. After all she was a woman and in the workplace she needed every advantage she could garner just to keep up with the guys.

Furthermore she had nothing in Britain, no family after her transition, no significant other or any close friends for that matter.

In the end her decision was a no brainer. Mr Devlin had returned a few days later and Ellen had given him her decision.

“So have you made up your mind yet?” he asked, almost impatiently. He was that eager to have her in his squad it made her smile.

“Well I thought it over and I’d love to go to the States with you,” she told him graciously.

Lance Devlin definitely did not look like a 50 year old granddad as he punched the air while Dave and Ellen smiled as they watched him.

Arranging the visas and passports was a lark and before Ellen knew it she’d packed up her meagre belongings, donating her furniture to charity and packing what she could ship off to the States. Two days before her departure Dave threw a farewell party at his house, all her teammates and colleagues pitched up and Ellen had a bit of fun carousing with the people she’d grown to appreciate in the time she’d been in London. A part of her couldn’t help but feel sad that her own family couldn’t share in her celebration let alone come to see her off. After what had happened with her father they had never been in touch, she supposed she was dead to them. She hadn’t bothered keeping in contact either, having gone the whole way her father would probably strangle her if he saw her let alone heard from her. It was better this way; she didn’t have to like it but that was life.

Another page was opened in her life as she boarded her flight to New England. It was Ellen’s first time on a plane which wasn’t at all surprising considering her lower middle class background and the fact that she’d never needed to use a plane either, after all the UK is a pretty small place, you can traverse it from North to South in a day and the few family holidays she’d taken were done using her dad’s old Escort and their caravan. All her school and football trips were by bus and train.

‘If they could see me now,’ she thought with a smile as she looked out of the window.

After an hour or so the novelty of being in the air had worn off and she’d dozed off watching an in-flight movie. Before she knew it a hostess was waking her up and telling her to prepare for the landing.

The immigration process went much too slowly for Ellen’s liking, it seemed that everybody and his brother had decided to use the airport at the same time as she had though she didn’t really mind being as excited as she was. She hadn’t felt this level of excitement since the run-up to her surgery; it was a similar kind of feeling rooted in the fact that she was building a future for herself. She was sad to leave Dave’s, he’d been very kind to her but other than that she was rather pleased at the unexpected turn her life had taken.

Having had to sacrifice a chance to play top-flight footie so she could be Ellen had been a huge ask and she’d resigned herself to never playing on a serious competitive basis again. A smile broke out on her face as she cleared customs and walked into the terminal where it widened when she saw Coach Devlin holding up a sign with her name on it. He was accompanied by a lady around his age a second after she spotted them they saw her and waved at her.

Ellen waved back as they moved towards her relieved her of the cart.

“Hello Ellen. Welcome to the USA, I’m glad you made it. Did you have a good flight?” Lance began.

“Yes sir, thank you for meeting me,”replied Ellen politely, burnishing that questionable British reputation for good manners.

“This is my wife, Sandy,” he told her.

“Hello ma’am,” said Ellen politely.

Sandy waved her off, “Please call me Sandy,”she insisted.

The Devlin’s told Ellen that she was to spend the night at their home as they didn’t want her to spend her first night in their country in a an empty dorm room. They also confessed to having an ulterior motive, that of having dinner with her so they could get to know each other better.

As you can guess Ellen had no objections to this, it wasn’t like she had anywhere to go as yet and as these were the only people she knew in the States at the time it made perfect sense.

The Devlin’s lived with their ten year old son Billy in a leafy suburban house that Ellen’s lower class background told her was much too big for a family of three. Billy hardly spared her a second glance as he was quite absorbed playing some Xbox game.

He only muttered a hurried greeting when pressed by his mother. Ellen was shown to the room allotted to her while she was a guest of the Devlin’s. Dinner was quite nice they had a well-cooked Thai curry and the elder Devlin’s went out of their way to ensure Ellen felt welcome in their home.

Sandy asked about her life in the UK and Ellen responded with a censored version of a childhood that didn’t include being born a boy or her father assaulting her. Sometime in the past year Ellen had decided that she was going to tell people on a need to know basis only. This was because she felt it would colour people’s perception of her if they knew she’d been a sufferer of GID.

She’d been upfront with Lance because he had a part to play in her life but she’d also let him know that she didn’t want anyone else in life to know about her before he’d left England. Part of her hoped that included Sandy. In this light she gave her hostess rather general answers as to her background which wouldn’t give her away as someone who’d had gender dysphoria and this seemed to satisfy Sandy somewhat.

“So what’s Norwich like?”asked Lance.

“It’s okay, not worldly but a nice place to grow up in and does have a few sights worth a visit,” she said.

“The churches?” he asked.

Ellen nodded, “I’m told their some of the loveliest in the country,” she told him.

“Hmm we should go there the next time we visit Alison,” decided Sandy before going off on a tangent and talking about her daughter which was a relief to Ellen as she didn’t want too much light shined on her past.

All in all it was a pleasant evening, instantly forgettable if it wasn’t for the fact that Lance was the catalyst for the sudden upsurge in her fortunes and when she went to bed she thanked her lucky stars he’d stopped to watch her that Sunday.

She was up early the next morning as was her wont for her early morning run. To her surprise she found her host was up too and he decided to use this opportunity to gage her fitness levels. They took a run together and before long he had her doing sudden sprints and stops, running at constant speed for certain lengths of time, in short putting her through her paces.

He was rather pleased with her fitness levels.

“This is pretty good Hayes, I suppose you do this daily,”he remarked.

“Yes sir,” replied Ellen.

“Well that’s good discipline, I don’t have to worry about you being behind the rest of the team,”said Coach Devlin.

“When is our first session?” Ellen asked the coach.

She still didn’t know much about the team she’d been recruited for and was quite nervous wondering if she still had it but though she would never voice it she was particularly worried about how she would fit into an all-female side.

Would her teammates quickly spot her as a tranny and ostracise her?

Though she’d transitioned, her life in London had not been in a female environment. There had only been three other girls in Dave’s staff of twelve and they’d just got along with her not that they’d been bosom buddies or anything. The guys at work had basically treated them as guys with boobs in her opinion. In the Sunday league there had been a few other girls around in different teams but it was an overwhelmingly male environment where she’d known due to lifetime of experience how to handle herself. Here soccer was just the opposite a female dominated sport and Ellen doubted her ability to fit in as she still didn’t have the slightest clue what girls her age were all about.

Were they princesses or tomboys?

Or were they ditzy WAGs or vain supermodels?

She’d never had a boyfriend or been kissed, her wardrobe wasn’t worth a second glance.

What would she talk about to them?

One thing she knew about women was they had seriously spooky intuition, she knew this from personal experience as she could always spot someone who was hiding something without too much thought. She hoped it wouldn’t work against her.

“We should start next week, I thought if you came across the pond earlier, a week would give you time to settle down some,” she heard the coach tell her.

Ellen spent that day with her hosts who graciously took her around the town. Dumont University was located in lovely New England town of Lyndhurst.

She found it a pretty relaxed place definitely not moving at the frantic pace of London but more like her home town, kind of homely. Dumont University itself was a on a sprawling campus with number of buildings some dating back two centuries and some as recent as the last decade. There were very few kids out and about and the ones that were there tended to be clad in sports uniforms. She guessed they had decided to get some early season training and the athlete within her yearned for some action as well. She was also eager to begin her lessons, after all that why she was here for, an education. Her classes were set to start in week too and she was enrolled for degree in Business with a specialty Sports Management thinking she might as well play to her strengths.

Two day later she moved into her digs, as a freshman she was housed in one of the dorms. At Dumont the residential halls were segregated via gender so she found herself in an all-female building. Boys were only allowed in up to 1900h and were not allowed upstairs were the rooms and showers were. Each person was allocated a room which they shared with another. There were communal showers on each floor. The dining hall was located in a building 800 metres away from her hall.

Most of the students began arriving that weekend which was when Ellen met her roommate, a fresh faced 17 year old Alison Hutchins straight off some Iowa farm. She’d just arrived from a stroll when she met a whole clan okay a family of four occupying her room.

“Hello,” she began uncertainly.

“Howdy,” replied a huge man who Ellen assumed was the dad.

“Hello,” said a much smaller lady.

“Hi,”said one girl shyly.

The teenage boys nodded at her before mumbling gruff hellos.

Here was an awkward silence for a few moments.

“How can I help you? This is my room,” she informed them.

“Oh, we’re the Hutchins’s,” said the apparent mom pushing her daughter forward, “Alison’s gonna be your roommate,” she added cheerfully.

“I’m Donna, that’s Robert and the boys are Trent and Teddy,” chirped Mrs Hutchins.

“Ted Mom, I’m not a bear,” protested the younger boy making Ellen fight to stop from grinning in wry amusement.

“Oh, welcome to Dumont I suppose,” Ellen said, “I’m Ellen Hayes,”

“Where are you from honey?” Donna queried.

“I’m from Norwich in England," said Ellen.

“Really, Alison you’re in luck honey, getting an overseas roommate,” said Robert, cheerfully obviously chuffed his girl would expand her horizons just by being here.

She chatted with them for a while before excusing herself as she could see the family wanted some time to see off their daughter.

Some people have all the luck thought Ellen thinking of her own situation, they have loving families, bodies they like and enough money to go to schools like this.

She realised she missed her family particularly Trish who she’d lived vicariously through and had sponged of loads of info about being a girl and she wondered what it would have been like to be sisters.

Richie too, was he still seeing his high school sweetheart, Dinah? Though she’d never told him she’d always been fond of him, he was a good guy and she wondered what he was doing these days. Probably sleeping in she smiled or having a kick about with his mates.

She sighed at the thought of her parents; she hadn’t got over her father hitting her that had hurt more emotionally than physically. Her dad had never hit her until that day.

Why couldn’t people just understand what it felt like to hate the sight of your own body to long to be different? She’d spent her whole life wanting to be a girl, it wasn’t a sudden spur of the moment thing and now the people she would have expected to have unconditional love for her had reacted like she was an axe-murderer and despite all she’d achieved it hurt.

Nothing would have made her happier than for her parents to have accepted her as their daughter with open arms but this was real life and not a bedtime story. On most days she didn’t spend her time worrying about the past but seeing the Hutchins' concern for Alison had touched a raw nerve. She hoped one day her parents would forgive her and maybe accept but that was as far-fetched as pigs flying.

Self-reliance was the name of the game; you couldn’t trust anyone but yourself and if people like Dave and Coach Devlin showed up don’t think everyone was like them, they were the exception rather the norm she reminded herself.

to be continued