I did not choose this... An Autobiography
As a transgendered person, a pre-operative transsexual, one of the most disconcerting things I hear is "Why did you choose to be this way?"
To put it strongly, and in no uncertain terms, I did not choose to be transsexual.
Being transgender or transsexual does not begin the moment you put on clothes of the opposite gender. Being transsexual does not begin the moment you decide to live full time in the gender role opposite that which you were born into. Being transsexual begins before that, even before the moment you first realize that you're different. The moment in which you realize you were born in the wrong gender. People go their whole lives being transsexual, but never doing anything about it. They are usually angry, depressed, and often very socially distant. But to live like that is like living in a prison.
Why would I choose to be transsexual. It's one of the hardest lives I could imagine. Always looking over your shoulder. Never knowing who you can trust. Being looked down upon by society. I feel like a criminal just because I want to be happy. I wouldn't choose life that for my own worst enemy.
I did not choose to be transsexual, but despite the hardships I knew I would face, I CHOSE to live free.
I was born this way...
Here's the true story of my life. It's not some short biography. It includes details. Lots of them. Details up until now I had considered private. It's time to tell what my life has truly been like. I am not proud of a lot of the things that happened. The only thing I can say is, that is who I was, not who I am now.
I was born on a warm October evening during the final weeks of 1979 in Long Beach, California. I came into the world as a healthy baby boy to proud first time parents Darrell and Debbie Rose.
The first year of my life was normal. When I was a little over a year old, my parents started having trouble in their marriage. From the information given to me by my family, my parents were house sitting in Lakewood one day for my paternal grandparents and had been getting high on marijuana and Valium for most of the day. Neither parent can remember exactly what happened next, but they wound up in a yelling match that ended with my mother calling her uncle to pick her up. Their marriage didn't survive long past that day. The divorce was bitter and my Mom walked away with custody of me.
Now let me tell you a little about dear old Mom. Yes, she had a rough life up to that point, but she was controlling and manipulative. During the divorce, she testified in court that my Dad was neglectful towards me and had even left me alone in the house once leaving me to injure myself on a coffee table. Many of my family members were left not knowing what to believe, but in the end, the judge sided with my Mom and I temporarily said goodbye to my Dad.
My Mom didn’t have a job or a place to live, so we moved in with my great-grandmother. She was a loving woman, who loved living alone, but welcomed my mother and I into her Cudahy home for my sake. Several times she threatened to kick my mother out and keep me. Eventually, My Mom and I left to live with my grandmother. A short time later, my grandmother fell in love and married the man I came to call grandpa. This meant that Mom and I would have to find a new place to live. We spent a few months living in one crappy motel after another. After we spent our 6th month living in motels, Grandma and Grandpa invited Mom and I to move into their mobile home in Anaheim. But this mobile home park we lived in was an adults only residence where the occupants had to be over 40 years old. My grandparents were forced to kick us out for fear of being evicted. At that point, my Mom was involved with a man named Gordon Hansen. We moved in with Gordon and he and my mother married soon after that. During this time, I was occasionally left with an adult cousin of mine. Kenneth. The asshole. The bastard.
What is about to be said is considered even now to be one of the most personal and darkest moments of my life. I guess he had a thing for little boys. He did things to me no child... no person should ever have to experience. And I wasn't the only one. To this day, I still haven't fully recovered. It took over 10 years and the courage of my cousin Garet to even admit to the rest of my family what was done to me. Some think I made it all up, some despised Kenneth for what he had done, but the truly, most sickening part of it all was how normal he made it seem. He made me think that since I did not yet know that anything was wrong with it, that it was all ok. Bastard!
When I was four, Mom and Gordon separated for a time. Soon after that, my mother went to jail for welfare fraud. My Mom asked my Dad if she could leave me with him until after she got out of jail, and he agreed. At the time, my Dad was living with his parents in Lakewood. We lived there with my grandparents until my Dad moved in with his girlfriend, Kathy. We lived in a little one-bedroom guesthouse across the street from MacGregor Park near Downtown Long Beach. Both Dad and Kathy worked long hours at their respective jobs, which left them little time to take care of me. They decided that I would spend the week with my Grandparents in Lakewood, and my dad would pick me up from preschool on Fridays so I could spend the weekend with him and Kathy. Things went very smoothly for the first year of this arrangement, but then my grandmother got sick and was no longer able to care for me. My grandfather worked long days at the Long Beach Naval Shipyards, and was unable to help care for my grandmother and I both. The only solution left was to live fulltime with my Dad and Kathy. The new living situation became increasingly difficult with the little space there already was being packed full of my few belongings.
After my fifth birthday, I was again living with my grandparents in Lakewood. My grandmother’s health had gotten better, but she was no longer able to work, and was having trouble keeping up with an active and energetic five year old child. Since there had been no word on when my mother would be released from jail, my grandmother took the initiative and informed my dad that I would need to be enrolled for the next school year. Since my dad and his girlfriend lived in a very run down neighborhood, it was decided that I would continue living with my grandparents and would attend elementary school near them. I spent my first year of public school at Madison elementary School in Lakewood under the guidance of my first grade teacher, Mrs. Palladini.
Had I known then what I know now...
At this point, I knew I was different. It wasn't Nature vs. Nurture... My parents didn't raise me to be feminine... But something was definitely different about me.
Sure, I did a lot of the things boys did at that young age... I played sword fighting with my Dad's best friend. I ran and bounced off of walls like normal 5 and 6 year old boys. I wanted He-Man, Transformers, and G. I. Joe toys. But I also did a lot of things with a "girly" twist... I had a tendency of being a bit more "fragile" and "fair" in physical activities, even though I appeared to be a normal boy. When friends got together and wanted to role-play, I didn't mind being cast into the female role. I always had a more caring approach to situations. When one of my friends was having a bad day, or had been hurt, I didn't just pat them on the shoulder and leave them recover on their own. I tried to console them, help them, even going so far as to giving them a hug if I felt they needed it.
Many of these things were noticed by my family early on. After moving away from my Grandparents' home in 1986, my Dad tried to get me into sports, as a way to "toughen" me up. He even signed me up for the local municipal sports leagues in Buena Park. Despite 3 seasons with the Buena Park PeeWee and Peanut League baseball teams, Sports weren't for me. In 1990, both of my grandmothers passed away. Six days apart. And I was utterly alone...
Having spent the majority of my childhood with my Dad, and being an only child until I was 13, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom remaining alone. I spent that time reading, self-learning, playing video games, and thinking about how much better my life would have been if I had only been born a girl. Once puberty hit, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop myself from turning into a "man". I did everything I could to seem normal to everyone else. In the 1980's and early 1990's, there wasn't a lot of information about transsexualism that would be readily available for me to study. Not that I even knew what a transsexual was back then. I didn't want to be seen or labeled as a "freak". Homophobia was still quite rampant, primarily due to the association between being gay, and getting AIDS. Despite numerous times being caught with and wearing girls' clothing, I repeatedly denied to my parents that I wanted to be a girl.
When I was 12 years old, My Dad and step-mom were both working long hours at their respective jobs. Once summer came around, I was enrolled at the Boys and Girls Club in Buena Park. However, during the first two weeks of the summer, the Boys and Girls Club remained closed due to issues with beginning their summer program. In desperation, my parents asked my step-mom's sister if I could stay with them until the summer program began. I spent my first weekend with "Aunt Wendy" in total depression. I couldn't see my friends, and there wasn't anything fun for a 12 year old to do. I slept in an extra bedroom, which Wendy used as a storage room. she kept out of season clothes in the closet in my room. On my third night, after she had gone to bed, I snuck into the closet in my bedroom and began trying on various different outfits of hers. Unbeknownst to me, she had gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and had seen my bedroom light on. When she opened the door, what she found both shocked, and delighted her at the same time. She had been the youngest daughter, and never had a little sister to dress up. From that point on, during those two weeks, Wendy let me dress up in her older clothes. I felt so free. I even got to go with her to see a movie as a girl. She picked out the name Danielle to use for me. On the last Saturday I was to spend the night, Wendy had a brilliant idea. She asked her boyfriend at the time to give me a tattoo so I would have something permanent to remember those days. Since I knew this would probably be my last time openly being a girl, I went for it. Dennis, a professional tattoo artist, brought out his portfolio book, and I selected a simple, hollow star about the size of a dime. After determining where to have it done (inside of my left ankle), we called my father, and asked him if I could get said tattoo. Since he was drunk at the time, he asked me a few times if I was sure I wanted it. After several 'Yes!' answers, he asked if it would piss off my Mom. When I told him it probably would, he said to go for it!
That same summer, my Mother straightened up her act, and got sober. She was by then married to my current step-father, Eli Sanchez. 9 months later, in February 1993, they welcomed my new baby sister into the world. A little girl. I was so jealous. Not because she was the baby and would get 95% of the attention, but because she was born the way I wish I had been.
Despite the jealousy, I cared for that little girl as if I were her parent. I bonded with her in a way I would not bond with a child again until 2004. Yes, I was the typical protective big brother, but there was something else there. Several months after Jennifer was born, I again bounced from one parent to another. Having become attached to my baby sister, I decided to tell my dad I wanted to live with my Mom and Step-Dad. Despite his own reservations, he agreed.
Idle hands are the Devil's playground...
I spent the next year and half living with my Mother, and though living arrangements were tight, we were for the most part happy. I spent most of the eighth grade making up for my troubles while living with my Dad... I almost literally spent nearly every waking hour doing school work, doing chores, being forcibly involved my my parents' church, or helping to care for Jennifer. My Mom and Step-Dad kept a very close eye on me. My Dad had informed them about the "cross-dressing" I had done, and was worried I might return to said previous habit. Because of this, my mother kept her clothes locked up tight in a closet at night. I didn't seem to have the time to even think about wanting to be a girl. Surprisingly, I kept out of trouble, or the most part.
Shortly after the beginning of the 9th grade, we moved from Stanton to Anaheim, into an apartment complex managed by my cousin Vanessa. Despite a few incidents during the summer and previous school year, my Mom and Step-Dad loosened up the restrictions imposed on my life. Big mistake, for them anyway. My chore list was lightened, and I had more free time to myself. I had saved up a nice allowance, as well as money received from birthday and Christmas gifts over the past year and a half. It was time for a little splurging. While on a bicycle ride one day, I stopped at the nearest Target. As I walked in, I began to tremble. For some reason, I found myself walking towards the teen girls' clothing section. I was fascinated with all the clothes. Yep, I bought bras, undies, pants, shorts, skirts, and tops. I didn't even think of where to put everything... I had a really big backpack, so I rode my bike to Loara High School, and began to empty my school books from my backpack into my locker.
Carefully hiding just a single outfit in my backpack, I quickly put the rest of the clothes into my locker. That would be my undoing. I was unable to resist the urge to try my new clothes on that night after everybody had gone to bed. Wearing my new outfit instilled in me a sense of comfort, a sense that I was finally "right". I laid on my bed, imagining myself being truly female, having slumber parties, and gossiping with the other girls. I knew I had to be careful. I knew what would happen if my Mom or Step-Dad found me wearing girls clothes. I'd be in deep... yeah. But I knew I could count on those clothes giving me a sense of relief, of mental freedom. What I didn't count on was falling asleep in my new clothes. It was an awkward moment when my mother woke me up the next morning. Suffice it to say, I was grounded. The outfit I had just spent my hard earned money on was thrown out. I was told if I was ever caught in girls' clothing again, the shit would hit the fan. I so was embarrassed, I began to act out again. I got into a lot of trouble. But I couldn't stop the desire to wear a pretty outfit. Then, one day, I had a bold idea. I rode my bike to school, arriving far earlier than anyone else. I got to my locker picked out an outfit, and decided I would wear it in public. I would skip school, and go out in public as a girl. Yeah, or so I thought. Les than two hours later, in full girl mode, I was caught in the very same Target I had bought my outfits at. And after being warned about truancy, a police officer took me home. He wouldn't even let me go back to my school locker to change back into boys' clothes. And when my Mother opened the door...
Yep, the fan was hit, and it got everywhere. I was suddenly the freak again. My parents didn't mind letting everyone know what I had done. Even the entire church seemed to know. Soon after, my Mother decided she couldn't handle me. I was sent to a temporary youth shelter. The Casa Youth Shelter, several miles from home in Los Alamitos. I was there for five days before I got any visitors. I was shocked that it turned out to by my Dad who visited me first.
While I was at Casa, my parents went to the high school to get my school books so I would be able to keep up with my school work. The school had found my hidden stash of girls' outfits in my locker and reported it to my Mother. At that point, she decided I would not be coming home. She called up my dad, told him she was done with me, and that he should take me back.
Let's start over, shall we...
Back to dear old Dad's house I went. The rules for moving back in with them were simple. All of my female clothing had to be thrown away, and I had to agree to my Dad that I would never, ever think of being a girl again. Oh, yeah, I also had to maintain at least a B+ average in school... Like that was ever going to happen.
Several weeks went by, and things seemed to be okay. I got involved in school, even managing to keep my GPA up. But somewhere in the back of my mind, curiosities abound. I knew I was biologically male, but I still felt deep down within me that I was supposed to be female. I wondered if these feelings meant I was gay. I had only just started coming to grips with the possibility.
In January of 1995, I met a boy at school named Freddy. I didn't know it at the time, but he was a closeted gay boy. His outward appearance was a very big, no nonsense kind of guy. He said he had sensed I was different, and asked me over to his house after school one day. After a particularly deep conversation, I sensed he wanted to tell me something. That's when I found out he was attracted to me, or my male form anyway. It was then I told him my secret. That I wanted to be a girl. He said he could live with that, and we began a short, whirlwind something or other... I was dying to see if this would "cure" my feelings... Nope.
After a couple weeks, Freddy began pressuring me into sex. He said since I wanted to be a girl, it would only be logical that I be the receiver. I was quite scared. I didn't know what to expect. Being anatomically male, I knew the only way it could happen. Uh uh... I wasn't gonna go for that. He said ok, and we watched a movie on his bed instead.
This I consider to be the second of the two most personal and darkest moments of my life. I woke up, unsure of what was happening. I couldn't breathe. I was on my stomach, and my glasses were not on my face. I couldn't see. As I said, Freddy was a big boy, and apparently he had all his weight on my back. And my legs were spread apart. It didn't even dawn on me yet that he was already inside me. I screamed for help, but nothing happened. After the act was over, he dragged me, half naked, out through the front door. Upon letting me go, he began punching me silly in the face. I walked home, covering myself with ripped clothing, and covered in blood and bruises. I snuck in through my bedroom window, not even able tell my own father that I had just been raped. He wouldn't have understood. Then I cried myself to sleep. Those events changed me...
At 15 years old, I met a girl named Veronica (Ronnie for short). She was 17 years old, and had a little problem with authority and the "status quo". She was rebellious, and didn't care about how others saw her. I don't remember how we ended up being friends, but she knew from the moment we met that something was different about me. After some weeks, I finally confessed to her my deepest, darkest secret. She accepted me for who I was, and who I wanted to be. My relationship with my Dad at that point was tenuous at best. He didn't care if I was home or not, as long as I wasn't causing trouble that would involve him. Ronnie invited me to start staying with her family. She said as long as I was living there, I could be "me". At the time, I hadn't thought too much about what I would do if given the chance to actually live completely as a girl, but was excited to try. I eagerly accepted, and with her help, I settled on the name Amber. Prior to this, I had imagined that only in my wildest dreams would I be accepted as a girl. My Dad boxed up only a few of my personal belongings, and signed papers indicating that, while I was still in his "legal custody", I would temporarily be living with non-family.
Ronnie was known for taking in "strays". Two other girls, twins Janie and Jamie, were also living with Ronnie. I couldn't believe that, not only had Ronnie so readily accepted me, but so had the twins. Janie and Jamie's mother had passed away from cancer, and their Dad, working 80-100 hour weeks, decided to let the girls move in with Ronnie, whose mother was a distant cousin of the twins' mother. Having a split level home, Ronnie's parents agreed to leave the bottom half of the house to the four of us, excluding the kitchen and dining room. There was a large family room, and single master bedroom downstairs. Ronnie and Jamie converted the family room into a bedroom, and Janie and I would occupy the master bedroom. My dreams had been answered. I was living as a girl. I already had hair that was close to touching my shoulders, and still had a small frame. I "passed" with flying colors. I even managed to attend school with only a few school administrators and a select few friends knowing my true identity. Those 4 months were the best I had up to that point in my life.
But it couldn't last... Ronnie was not only known for taking in strays, but she was also known for picking crappy boyfriends. Janie and Jamie were off visiting their Dad one day, and Ronnie told me she was going out with her boyfriend, Steven. He was 22, an ex-con, and a bad influence. I stayed home and watched a little weekend TV. After about an hour of being bored out of my mind, I decided to go for a walk. When I got close to the house, I decided to go to the corner gas station to get a bottle of soda. Upon reaching the parking lot, I heard a gun shot ring out... I almost didn't even notice Ronnie laying on the ground next to Steven's truck, bleeding... Instead of running to the gas station to call for help, I ran back to the house, informing Ronnie's parents of what had happened...
Later that evening, after returning from the hospital and telling me Ronnie would be okay eventually, Ronnie's parents informed me I had to leave. I was no longer welcome at the house... With no where else to go, I grabbed my bags and walked the whole way back to my Dad's house. After opening the door and hearing what had happened, my Dad agreed to letting me back in, under certain conditions...
This time, my hair had to be cut. And again, I had to throw away all of my female clothing and agree to my Dad that I would never, ever think of being a girl again. End of transition attempt Numero Uno...
A lot of things happened over the course of the next year. I met Shanen Haan, who would go on to become one of the best friends I would ever have. He introduced me to his family, whom I have come to call family as well. We became so close, we were brothers. We spent nearly every waking hour in the company of one another over the next several months. Even my relationship with my girlfriend at the time, Serena, had become less of a priority for me. Despite being intimate with her, the camaraderie with Shanen seemed more important to me than sex. Also at this point, my relationship with my Dad was again very strained. He was simply tired of my mostly harmless, yet sometimes legally ambiguous antics. Again, he agreed to let me live somewhere other than with him. After a month or so of staying at Shanen's house, my Dad agreed to sign physical and legal custody over to Shanen's parents, whom truly seemed to want me in their lives. They knew my secret, but still cared for me a great deal. I was in heaven, or so I thought... Something else that couldn't last...
I still don't know the reasoning behind her actions, but my Mother refused to allow my Dad to sign me over to the Haan's. She even threatened the Haan's with legal action if they didn't turn me back over to her. By February of 1996, I was yet again living with my Mother. In the hopes of straightening me out, I was again put on a very short leash. While living with my Dad, my grades had dropped so drastically, I was kicked out of Kennedy High School and enrolled at Gilbert West, a special Continuation high school. Because of this fact, I was not allowed to re-enroll at Loara. I was instead transferred to Gilbert East. Because of only attending half-days at Gilbert, my home chore schedule became quite rigorous.
As I mentioned earlier, my cousin Vanessa was manager of the apartment complex we lived in. That meant, as far as my parents were concerned, free labor for the Juno Avenue Apartments. On weekends, I was doing things like cleaning the laundry rooms, washing down the patios, and so forth. I also became the free babysitter for my cousins. Vanessa's brother, Garet, had moved into Vanessa's apartment with his young son, Joseph. If I wasn't doing chores in my apartment, or outside, I was usually watching my baby sister, Vanessa's three kids, and Joseph. Occasionally, Vanessa and Garet's oldest sister would bring her daughter around to be babysat... by me. I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to leave. Around 6 or 7 months into my servitude, I finally picked up a job. Grocery bagger at a local produce store. Yeah, well, that didn't last either. I was fired two weeks in after too many complaints about squashed veggies. Needless to say, I didn't tell my parents right away. I enjoyed their renewed trust in me. I also enjoyed the freedom I was afforded by having the afternoons to myself. Yep, time to get into trouble.
Just two weeks before my seventeenth birthday, I got caught shoplifting at Tower Records. My parents didn't want to put up with my deviant behavior any longer, so I was sent to live with my Mom's stepfather. After my grandmother had passed away 6 1/2 years earlier, my grandfather had become a bit of a recluse, and my parents thought it would be beneficial for both my grandfather and myself if I moved in with him into his mobile home in Anaheim. My grandfather was a bit of a disciplinarian, and proved to me immediately that I was going to like living with him even less than I liked living with my parents. I wasn't allowed to watch television, except for current events and educational programs, nor was I even allowed to listen to my Sony Walkman. I was there as a punishment and I wasn’t going to get off easy. Hell, I didn't even get a birthday cake on my 17th birthday! Yeah, I was a bad seed...
I did it to myself...
(Note: I have come to be ashamed of the way I acted in regards to my grandfather. One of the things I never got to do before he died was to apologize for what I did. The events in this next part are a few of my only true regrets.)
My grandfather really liked trains, so we would often go to the train station in Fullerton after he picked me up from school. I got to know a couple of his friends, and even though they were much older than me, I really started liking them. Christine and Larry, two of my grandfather’s friends I saw the most, offered to take me to see more trains in Pomona one night. I had been getting excited about finally getting a break from my grandfather, but he put his foot down and told them I had to stay with him. When Christine and Larry asked him if he would bring me up, he got angry and began yelling at them. When Christine got too close, my grandfather turned around and pushed her to the ground. He then grabbed my t-shirt and pulled me off in the direction of his car in the parking lot.
That night, after my grandfather had calmed down, we were in his bedroom watching the news on the only working TV in the house. We had just finished eating dinner when we heard a knock at the kitchen door. My grandfather told me to stay put, and he went to answer the door. When I heard him yelling, I snuck into the hallway and found Christine and Larry standing on the porch. They were demanding my grandfather apologize to Christine. When he refused and slammed the door in their faces, I quietly hurried back into his room and acted like nothing happened. We finished the night by watching the some more News, and then went to bed around 10:00. I was awoken about an hour and a half later by a loud banging. When I looked out of the window, I saw two police cars in front of the mobile home. I then saw Christine standing by one of the police cars, accompanied by Larry. When an officer came into my room, he asked me if I was okay. When I told him yes, he asked me to get as many clothes that I could fit into one bag. When I asked him why, he told me that he was taking me someplace safe. I grabbed a few clothes and tossed them into my backpack, then followed the officer out of the house.
I overheard Christine talking to another officer outside, and found out that she feared my grandfather was physically abusing me. I finally found a way out of this hell hole! When the officers placed me in the car, they asked me if I had any family in the area. I told them that my Mom and Step-Dad lived on the other side of Anaheim, and my Dad and his wife lived in Buena Park. They took me back to the police station, and offered me a soda while they called my Mom and stepfather first. When the officer returned to the waiting area I was sitting in, he told me that my Mom was still upset about the shoplifting and didn’t want me at home. He then called my dad and asked him if he could come and get me, but I knew my dad would say no. I had already lived with him and his wife once before and made them very angry in the past by skipping school and getting into trouble. I didn’t think I was a bad kid, just very mischievous. I wasn’t a bad student either; I just needed to apply myself to getting my work done.
After the officer returned for the second time, he said no luck with my dad and I was going to have to be taken to Orangewood Children’s Home. I nodded slowly as I realized that I was about to become a “system kid”. I had known a few people who had been taken away from their parents and put into foster homes, but I thought that it could never happen to me. I stopped the officer and told him I didn’t want to go to Orangewood. He looked me in the eye and asked me if I had been telling the truth about my grandfather. I felt bad lying about my grandfather and was about to tell him 'no', but no matter how bad I felt I couldn’t continue living with my grandfather, or be arrested for lying to the police. When I nodded my head and told him it was the truth, he looked me in the eye a few moments longer and then walked away. About 15 minutes later, the night watch commander came out of his office and told me I would be escorted to Orangewood in a couple hours. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already half past midnight, so I decided that I might as well take a quick nap.
A little change might be in order...
I spent just over 3 weeks in Orangewood. On November 21st, I was escorted to the front office in order to meet with a representative from a group home called Olive Crest Children's Home. In contrast to a foster home, a group home employs individuals to watch the children in shifts, and after these shifts, they get to go home to their own lives.
The representative, Steve Goclowski, informed me that both of my parents had signed away their parental rights to the state of California. As such, it was then required that Social Services would have to find a permanent home for me. Apparently, Palm House, one of many homes in Olive Crest, would be it. I spent the next 3 or 4 months getting used to my new life. It wasn't completely horrible, but it wasn't what exactly paradise. Being in a group situation, it wasn't long before the other boys in the house (there were 6 of us) knew my deepest secret. My issues were talked about in group sessions, just as the other boys' issues were talked about as well. They knew I wanted to be a girl. And they never let me live it down.
I was visited by Shanen and his family a couple times, and even Serena and I had worked out enough of our differences for her to come pay me a visit. But being visited by people on the "outside" only made me want to be free myself. By February 1997, I had had enough. I wanted out. I packed up my clothes, took my allowance money, and bussed from City of Orange back to Buena Park. Serena had put me in contact with her brother, Sharif. He told me I could come stay at his house if I wanted. It was what I had dreamed... I was 17, already practically an adult. Why couldn't I go live with friends? I was reintroduced to one of Serena's friends, Raul. A friendly gay guy, not much older than me, I told him my secret early on in the friendship. If I wasn't at Sharif's house, I was hanging out with Raul. One day, we were hanging out in his bedroom, listening to Nirvana's Unplugged album. He brought up that since I wanted to be a girl, how would I feel about sex with a boy. I told him I was already traumatized. He said that he understood.
And it almost happened again... I got too close to a guy... Being woken up by someone touching you in places you shouldn't be touched... I had instant flashbacks of Freddy all over again. I screamed "NO!", grabbed my stuff, and ran out of his house back to Sharif's house. That night, Raul came over and apologized. He said he didn't know what he was doing and asked my forgiveness. I couldn't give it. I called up Palm House. I wanted to go back. I needed the security of being in Olive Crest. I wasn't ready for this. Not yet.
I spent the next week back at Palm House growing increasingly defiant. Something was wrong and nobody could figure me out. I wasn't telling them either. Eventually, amongst all the anger, I got physical with one of the staff. Yeah, that did it... I got locked back up in Orangewood for a 2 week "respite"... That's when I started to re-evaluate things... I needed to play by their rules, so I tried to be the normal kid again. Just a few weeks after I was allowed back in Palm House, I was transferred to a different house. Melody House. A lot more freedom. Apparently, within the hierarchy at Olive Crest, it was seen by some that I didn't belong in Palm House. I soon found out the reason. The Management of Olive Crest knew everything that had happened in my life... including the molestation I endured. They used me, as an experiment, to see if someone who was molested could peacefully live with sexual offenders. Not all of the boys at Palm House were bad, I even got close to a couple of them. I don't know who's bright idea it was, but if I ever find them, I'd probably hurt them. Some within Olive Crest did seem to have compassion, and spent the six months I was already in Olive Crest lobbying for me to be transferred. My AWOL and subsequent lock up in Orangewood seemed to be cause for the powers that be to finally heed the warning and send me to a different house... My nightmare was far from over, but things were finally starting to look up. I had made some good friends in Olive Crest, and even count some of them today as being among my closest friends.
(Joline, Lisa, Jesse, Angel, and Lance... You are some of the best friends anyone could have... You have accepted me for who I am, and I will never forget that.)
I finished out the remainder of my time at Melody House struggling to continue appearing normal. Having turned 18 in October 1997, I was given 6 months to finish school, find a job, and find a place to live. I was so far behind in school credits that I opted for the CHSPE (a version of the GED). I found a job working with my Step-Dad, but due to safety regulations, I wasn't allowed to work there as long as I lived in Olive Crest. I had reconciled with my Mother just a few months before, and we came to an agreement of me moving in with them in their small house, so I could take the job at Cinram.
What a life, what a life...
After moving back in with my parents, I struggled to accept adulthood. I was lazy, self centered, and still had my issues. After a particularly nasty argument, my mother kicked me out of the house again. I then moved in with an ex-girlfriend and her mother & siblings, as she and I had reconciled our failed relationship from Junior High. Bit it ended very quickly, and I was forced to move once again. With no place to go, I moved in with the Haan's again. After a couple weeks, my Mother called to apologize, inviting me to come back home. A few weeks later, we moved from the small house, which was owned by my Step-Dad's family, into a larger mobile home in East Anaheim. Over the course of the next few months, I was still an angry individual. Spurred on by months of mental abuse, I spent a good portion of my free time with Jeff, a staff member I had met during my time at Palm House. He was one of the few males I felt I could trust. He and I had already become close during my time in Olive Crest. He was known as Papa by the other Palm House boys. On Mother's Day of 1998, my parents had plans to go out. Prior to this, I had made plans to spend most of the day with Papa. My parents said it was ok as long as I was back enough time to babysit my baby sister. I spent much of that day venting my frustrations to Papa. He knew my secret, and he was supportive. I told him I didn't want to go back to my parents house, and that began a conversation of where I would go.
After several hours, Papa and I had come up with plans for me moving into his apartment. He already had a roommate, Juan, and he didn't seem to mind if I moved in. The only thing is, Juan didn't know my secret. I still couldn't live the way I wanted to. Papa and I discussed this further, and decided that I could be Leah (the new name I had chosen) while Juan was at work. Around 5pm, my pager went off. It was my parents. I ignored the pager as it went off several more times. I had had enough of living with my Mother. Eventually, I called my Mother back to find out that since I neglected my babysitting duties, I was being thrown out of the house. I could deal with that...
Papa and I drove over the my Mother's house the next day to get my belongings. It finally seemed like I was going to be free... I quit my job at Cinram (I couldn't cope with working with my Step-Dad) and found a job at a local Taco Bell... What a step down. I went from making around $2000 a month to $5 an hour, part time. But it afforded me the chance to explore who I was. My hair had already started getting longer, and I was, at most times, very androgynous looking. I was 18, 5'9", and very thin. I hadn't yet (strangely enough) grown to my full height of what would eventually be 5'11 3/4". Every evening, I had to clean up and be a boy again for when Juan got home.
I was friendly with the next door neighbors. The mother was named Annie, and she had a 15 year old teenage daughter named Tanya, and a 19 year old son, Brian. Tanya was accepting of me, and often tried to help me with things like hair and makeup. She was also the one who introduced me to smoking. Oh yes... a teenager got me into smoking, how ironic... I'm pretty sure I already had it in me to smoke, after all, I had lived with smokers my entire life before Olive Crest. Anyway, Tanya and I spent most afternoons just hanging out on our front porch. And then something happened one day. I was on our porch, having a cigarette in full girl mode. And a familiar car pulled up in front of the apartment. Juan had come home early from work! He walked up the stairs to the porch, walked right past me, started to open the front door, and stopped. He turned around and looked back at me. Stunned? I don't know... but he walked in the house, and never said a word. Papa was inside too, just as surprised as I was to see Juan home.
It was decided then that since my secret was out, I could go back to living full time as a girl. I was so happy, I began to cry. My time at Taco Bell didn't seem so unbearable, and I even enrolled at Fullerton Community College. I was me!
Being only a 2 bedroom apartment, I didn't have my own room, my own space. I slept in the same bed as Papa. The bed was huge. It was a California King. I didn't mind, except for his rather loud snoring. After the lease was up, we were determined to find a larger apartment. Unfortunately, my pay at Taco Bell wouldn't allow for us to afford a 3 bedroom apartment. We instead found another 2 bedroom apartment a couple blocks from the previous one. I was genuinely happy with my life. Papa had taught me how to drive, and I was trying to save up my money for a car. All seemed well...
But the past events of my life had a way of manifesting themselves into my dreams. My nightmares. And it made me something of a paranoid person. I tried to shake off the paranoia, but the nightmares kept returning. Eventually, they started to feel "real". I woke up several times with the feeling that I had been physically touched. And the paranoia just got worse. I eventually accused Papa of touching me inappropriately in my sleep. Things got worse. I felt like I couldn't trust anybody. Over and over the nightmares were affecting my day to day life. I lost my job at Taco Bell, and because I couldn't pay my rent to Papa, I decided to contact my Mother. I had made something of an attempt at making amends a couple months prior. She allowed me to move back in, provided I kept going to school and worked at least part time. I agreed. Papa left me an open invitation to move back in with him, should the need arise... End of transition attempt number two...
Oops, I did it again...
One of the things I should have already learned by this point was to not trust my Mother. The reconciliation didn't last. I wound up being kicked out yet again, this time for no apparent reason.
I spent the next few months bouncing from friend to friend, couch surfing. Lisa also let me stay on her couch for a time, even going so far as to helping me get a job at the same Taco Bell she worked at. Eventually, Papa told me he was no longer living with Juan, but instead had moved in with his brother Dale in Corona. I spent a few weeks staying there, before Papa and I began to look for another apartment. We moved into our 1 bedroom apartment in May of 1999... Not exactly a big apartment, but it was just the two of us.
One of our neighbors turned out o be a male to female transsexual. The first I had ever met in person. While being married and having a daughter, she didn't get to live full time, unfortunately. I quickly confessed my secret to her, and we became friends. After a few weeks, she encouraged me to try resuming my transition. After an injury kept me from working at Taco Bell, and the subsequent recovery, I was forced to remain living as a male in order to get jobs doing odds and ends, working from one place to another. Eventually, I found a job with a security company. The first of many. I re-enrolled at Fullerton college, and thought my life was on track again... until the nightmares returned. I again had the strange sensation of someone touching me while I was asleep. And the paranoia again caused me to accuse Papa of doing something wrong, even though If logically I knew he wasn't doing anything... Eventually, I decided to leave again. And again, I went crawling back to my Mother... I never learn, do I?
This time around, I quit school altogether. I focused on my new 10pm-6am security job at Albertson's Distribution Warehouse . I slept during the day. I still had a little bit of a social life, though attempts at meeting up with my then current girlfriend, Hayley, proved next to impossible. On February 15th, after picking up my Step-Dad from work and dropping him off at home, I went to a birthday party for my friend Shaun. I met him and his girlfriend, Jessica, when I started working security at Albertson's... Upon arriving at the party, I gazed upon the face of someone who would change my life forever... Michelle. Yes, as in my soon-to-be-ex-wife.
The beginning of a new life...
I spent the majority of Shaun's birthday party fixated on Michelle. She matched what I considered pretty to a perfect "T". She was a little big, but that didn't bother me. I liked bigger girls. The party consisted of things like presents and birthday cake, and then a trip over to the computer to play some You Don't Know Jack. After a while, we started getting a little cabin fever, and decided to head from Downey, where Shaun and Jessica's apartment was, down to Michelle's house in Garden Grove. She had assured us that it would be fine with her parents, so Michelle, Jessica, and Jessica's friend Diane packed into Diane's car. Shaun and I got then into my truck and followed Diane all the way back to Orange County. After a small incident (I passed a motorcycle cop while speeding, and thankfully didn't get pulled over), we made it to Michelle's house. At 21 years old, she was still living at home with her parents and older sister. After meeting her parents, Virginia and Mickey, we headed into the large family room in the back of the house. Shaun had been a friend of Michelle's since high school, and even while having dated Michelle in the past, he was welcomed in the Rood home frequently. I was extremely nervous around Michelle's parents, though I did give it my best effort to be as normal seeming as possible. As the evening wound down, all five of us headed out to the front of the house, hanging out on the bed of my pick-up truck until I had to leave.
As I lifted the tail-gate, I asked Shaun to come talk to me in the cab of the truck. Once Shaun had gotten in, I quickly asked him if Michelle was available. He said she was. I told him I liked her very much, but asked him not to say anything to her until I was ready. Yeah... in hind sight, I should've known that was never going to happen.
The next day, I got a phone call from Shaun. He confessed he had told Michelle of our conversation under the pending threat of losing his masculinity at the hands of Michelle. Of course, I knew that was just a humorous reason, but he seemed to think Michelle had similar feelings towards me. After getting Michelle's phone number from Shaun, I called her and asked if she would like to go on a date with me. She quickly accepted.
I spent the next several days panicked about whether or not Michelle would notice my differences, and decide not to spend more time with me. While living with my parents, I had been forced to shed my lifestyle of living like a girl once again. But there were noticeable things in my mannerisms. I tried very hard to push them aside so I didn't have to deal with my parents' criticism.
My fears were obviously unfounded... After spending much of the afternoon together, Michelle and I decided to visit a friend of hers named Desiree. After about half an hour of visiting with Desiree, Michelle and I decided to go get something to eat. And someone decided to put herself into the date with us. Now, Michelle has never been very confrontational, but I had hoped she would've told Desiree that we would rather be alone. Instead, our very first date wound up being at a Jack-in-the-Box with one of her friends tagging along... How romantic... Yeah, ok, so after we finished our meal, we went back to my truck. Michelle finally started getting a little defensive once Desiree attempted to sit in the middle of the bench seat between Michelle and I. Michelle then told her that this was supposed to be our date, and that we would be dropping Desiree off and leaving. Now, I still don't know to this day what was up with Desiree, but either she was being protective of Michelle, or she too had a thing for me. And the latter was complicated by the fact that Desiree was, not only not my type, but she also was pregnant and had a fiancé. Yeah, so awkward...
After dropping off Desiree, Michelle and I managed to finally have some alone time. The sun was near it's setting, so I decided to show Michelle my favorite spot to hang out at the beach. I drove us to Newport Beach, and had her follow me to the jetties, a group of rocks that acted like a wall. They stretched out into the water, like a pier. I brought a beach towel from my truck, and laid it down on the rocks. And that was it... I think at that moment, while sitting on the rocks watching the sunset, is when I began to fall in love. I know, it seemed fast, but there was something about Michelle that immediately made me think she could be the one I would spend my life with. After dropping her off at home, I gave her a quick peck on the cheek, and she reciprocated. Yet, despite all the ups and downs of the day already, this day was not over for me yet. Heading home, I soon found myself being pulled over by the California Highway Patrol. Now, I had already talked myself out of a speeding ticket that night, but, much to my horror, I would not be so lucky this time.
The officer asked for all the usual stuff... my driver license, vehicle registration, and proof of car insurance. Before I go too much further, I need to let you know a couple things. While I was making payments to my parents for the pick-up, it was still technically in their name. I had been told by my Step-Dad that all the information was in the glove compartment. And I believed him. Big mistake, for as soon as I began searching for the insurance card, I knew in my gut that there wasn't one to be found. This led to a chain of events... finding myself betrayed yet again by my parents, and having to find a new place to live again. Thankfully, despite their reluctance, Michelle's parents agreed to let me crash on their couch in the family room for a few weeks. By this time, Michelle and I had grown quite close, spending nearly every waking moment with each other while not at work. By this time, I was now working the night shift doing security in the southern part of Santa Ana, near Orange County's John Wayne Airport. If it had not been for Michelle's friend, Elisha, I wouldn't have been able to keep that job. The three of us wound up spending a lot of time together, as Michelle would often spend the night at Elisha's so she cold be there with Elisha in the morning to pick me up. In April 2000, a few weeks before her 22nd birthday, Michelle told me she was ready to take the relationship to the next level. Yep, I was in love. And not just because she was willing to have sex with me, but she was, still is, one of the kindest, compassionate people I have ever known.
Eventually, I reconciled with Papa again. Before moving back into my apartment in Anaheim, I decided I needed to tell Michelle my true feelings. After all, if things between us got even more serious than just being intimate, I didn't want to have to hide anything from her. She was shocked, to say the least. But she seemed willing to test it out. After moving back into my apartment, I showed her some of the clothes I had managed to keep hidden away when moving back in with my parents just a few months prior. She thought some of the clothes were cute, and others she thought needed to be gotten rid of. Apparently, I had much to learn still about female fashion. After a little more time, Michelle actually began to help me when picking out clothes. I was ecstatic. I thought that I had finally found a long term girlfriend that could accept me and my desire to be female. Guess again.
Several months into the relationship, the lease on the apartment was up. Papa had decided to move into some cheaper apartments in Fullerton. With other roommates. Namely, my cousin Jeff, his, now ex-wife and newborn son, and a couple of other kids previously from Olive Crest. With all said and done, Michelle and I began to look for a roommate of our own. Noticing the rent was indeed cheaper at the apartments in Fullerton, we soon decided to rent a one bedroom apartment. Soon after, we converted the dining room into a bedroom for one of Michelle's high school friends, Jarred. Michelle admitted having had a crush on him in high school, but I trusted the two of them alone.
Eventually, having lost my job, and Michelle's hours cut back at Disneyland and Mervyn's, we were no longer able to afford the apartment. We managed to get the landlords to let us out of our lease, instead of being evicted. Moving in with Michelle's parents, I was forced to hide my cross-dressing (which is what it was referred to by most people as) yet again. Michelle's sister had moved out of the house by then, so I was given my own bedroom. I managed to stash away the clothes in a night stand drawer, but Michelle was worried about her parents finding out. Michelle forced me to get rid of all my female clothes, some of them finding their way into her own wardrobe. I was devastated, to say the least. It went on like this for the next couple of years. We would get our own place, then something would happen to make us move back in with her parents, or move in with mine.
In 2002, after moving out of a rented bedroom in Westminster, we found ourselves packing up our belongings and moving via Greyhound bus to Sandpoint, Idaho area. My parents had moved there the previous, December and offered to help pay for tickets to come out. I should've known not to trust my Mother.
A few weeks into our stay in Idaho, My mother grew extremely impatient, throwing us out of the house after stating we should already have had jobs by then. Now, let me clarify something... Sandpoint itself was actually about 12 miles up the two lane US Highway 95. Without public transportation, we were unable to get to the town unless my Step-Dad drove us. And he wasn't exactly very accommodating about that either. Most times, he wouldn't even let us catch a ride with him to town on his way in to work.
Panicked, we decided to call Michelle's parents to see if they could help us get back to California. Upon getting a resounding "No" from them, I resorted to contacting the last person I ever thought I would go to for help. My Dad. Dear old Dad was willing to let us stay out in Idaho and suffer, but thankfully, his wife was not. I never had a great relationship with Kathy, but at that moment, she was our savior. Two weeks later, we found ourselves once again back in California with nowhere to go. We moved in with my Dad and Kathy for a few months, but eventually needed to find a new place to stay. After Michelle and I had both found, and subsequently, lost jobs, we were again in a bind. By this time, Michelle's parents no longer thought highly of me, and would not allow me to return with Michelle to live in their home again. Also at this time, Papa had gotten fed up living with a bunch of irresponsible party kids. He and I met up to discuss finding a new apartment. With Michelle living at her parents' house, it would just be Papa and I. Well, that didn't last. Soon after, my cousin Jeff began needing a place to stay. He was given temporary custody of his son, Josh, when Jeff's ex-wife was no longer able to provide a stable home for him. Still without a job, I agreed to watch Josh in exchange for Jeff providing me with cigarettes. At other times, Papa would watch Josh if Michelle and I were spending time together. This arrangement worked out well for a few weeks.
How many times am I going to screw up...
Close to New Year's Eve 2002, I was becoming increasingly agitated. I wasn't sure if it was because I still hadn't found a job, or because I was unable to live as a female, despite Papa's acceptance. Finally, after a noteworthy argument with Michelle. I decided to end the relationship with her. While the argument was indeed noteworthy to me, Michelle didn't think it was enough to merrit us breaking up. After refusing to leave, I began yelling furiously at her, insulting her, bringing her to tears. That is a moment I am not proud of. I hurt her with words that I can never take back. Even now, amid our currently active divorce, I would take back those words in a heartbeat if I could.
Soon after, I realized the horrible mistake I had made. Despite my constant apologies and pleadings, Michelle was unwilling to take me back at that time. Feeling alone, and horribly and thoroughly disgusted with myself, I began finding ways to afford a few nightly rounds of alcohol at a local bar. After a few weeks, the loneliness began to sink in even more. I found myself on dating websites when sober, trying to find a new soul mate. My friends tried, albeit in vain, to help fill the void I felt from Michelle's absence. I had spent more time online and in person with Serena in the last few weeks, than I had in our entire relationship back in high school. Eventually, I met a girl named Sarah on an online dating website. After meeting at a local Starbucks, we started talking about the possibility of a relationship. Sarah was a big girl, and as I had previously mentioned, I liked big girls. They seemed less materialistic than thin girls in my opinion. Sarah also attended a local Christian college. Due to her religious beliefs, I was afraid to tell her my secret. After a few dates, she mentioned that I didn't seem to be over Michelle. True, I had brought up Michelle in a few conversations, but I didn't think it was an issue. More of a comparison between Sarah and her, really. Guess I was wrong. A few days later, Sarah broke up with me, believing it would be healthy for me to try and reconcile with Michelle. Despite the failed relationship, Sarah and I remained friends a few more years, before losing all contact. Last I heard, she was happily married and living a great life.
Over the next few weeks, I had met a few other girls online. One of them, Cathy, agreed to meet in person. Sarah agreed to wait with me until Cathy showed up. While chit-chatting, Sarah asked me what had happened between Michelle and I. Not wanting to divulge my true actions, I simply told her Michelle was needing some time apart from me. Not entirely the truth, but not entirely a lie either, Sarah seemed content to accept what I had said. Once Cathy arrived, Sarah left, and I got on with getting to know Cathy a bit better. What I hadn't realized was, even after seeing pictures online, how much Cathy looked like Kristen, Michelle's sister. It was a little too much for me. After agreeing to keep in touch over the next few days, we parted ways. I went home to change clothes, then to the bar. I kept thinking about how badly I had messed up with Michelle. Several drinks later, and a lot of tears shed, I went home. Quietly, I snuck in to the apartment, as not to wake Jeff or his son. After messing around on my computer for a couple hours, I looked at the clock and noticed it was 5am. As I went to lay down on the couch I usually slept on, the phone rang. It was Jeff's boss, asking him to go into work that day, which was now Sunday. Usually, Jeff had Sunday off and spent it taking Josh out to parks and such. Since Papa worked on Sunday, I was asked to babysit Josh. I hadn't even been to sleep yet. Of course, I couldn't say no.
Josh and I spent the better part of the morning simply laying around the house, watching TV and eating Spaghetti-o’s. About noon, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I called a few friends to see if they could come over and help with watching Josh. Not a single one of them agreed to help. Finally, I called Michelle. I was surprised she answered. She agreed to come over and help, as long as we kept the interaction to a minimum. I fell asleep on the couch shortly after Michelle arrived. As promised, I didn't talk with her much, except to say thank you and advising her when Josh's diaper had last been changed.
A couple hours later, after waking from my nap, Michelle and I began a conversation that would soon lead to our reconciliation. I was in disbelief that Michelle was offering to give me another chance. She told me she had thought long and hard about it while I was asleep. Seeing me again in person had not been easy for her, and it made her re-evaluate her feelings for me.
About 6pm, Papa came home from work, and offered Michelle a ride home. Jeff was also home by then, caring for his son, so I went with Papa to drop off Michelle. After a quick kiss on the lips, she promised to call me the next day. My life felt almost normal again.
After a few more times of meeting to talk about restarting our relationship, Michelle and I decided to give it another shot. Sadly, we would not be able to be together physically much longer. Papa, had decided to move to Las Vegas, but was unwilling to bring anyone along with him this time. He wanted a fresh start. I couldn’t blame him, though that left me with very few options of a place to live. Despite our rekindled relationship, Michelle's parents were still unwilling to let me move back in to their home. I called my Dad and Kathy, but they were stll upset due to a couple broken promises I made. Yep, it was time to punish myself. I called my Mom and Step-Dad, who once again agreed to help me move out to Idaho. Now, with my parents now living in town, it would be much easier for me to find a job there.
In April 2003, I once again found myself packing my bags and heading to the local Greyhound station. Once on the bus, I began feeling the sadness of leaving Michelle behind. I didn't know how long it would be before I saw her again. About halfway through the first of 3 days on the bus, I met Meghan. She seemed... well, different to me. After stopping in Sacramento to switch buses, she and I went outside for a cigarette. When I noticed we were alone, I decided to ask her if she was TS. Not exactly the best thing to do, I know, but it paid off. She affirmed what I had been thinking, that she was a transwoman. I quickly told her I was a closeted TS, and we hit it off. We spent the rest of the trip talking, learning about each other. Once we arrived at her destination, she left me with her email address and phone number. The next several hours traveling to my destination seemed a lot more lonely.
Upon arriving in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho, I was greeted by my Mother and her sister. I quickly settled in to the new home, calling Michelle to let her know I had arrived safely. She and I continued to call each other daily, aware of how hard the distance was making it on the relationship itself. My life fell into routine pretty quickly. I found a job at a local gas station, working the early day shift, 5am to 1pm. At night I would often help my Step-Dad clean my sister's private school at his side job. Things were... well, normal.
Life goes on...
At the beginning of Summer 2003, Michelle and I had started making plans for her to come out to Idaho for a visit. at the end of June, my Aunt Char and I went to Coeur D'Alene to pick Michelle up from the Greyhound station. Instinctively, I knew Michelle would not be able to leave. The date for Michelle to go home had come and gone. She and I began to talk about when she would have to go back to get her belongings. During one of these conversations, my mother approached us with questions about getting married. Later that same day, after careful consideration, Michelle and I had a marriage license and were waiting nervously before going in front of the judge. My cousin Les and his wife served as witnesses, as the Judge had us recite our vows. We were married. I loved Michelle, and now that we were married, I had to be there for her as her husband... as a man.
Michelle went back to California to tell her family we were married, and to get her belongings. That did not bode well. Her parents were hurt, and upset that we didn't at least invite them out. She and I were both afraid they would have tried to stop the marriage if they had known about it. Through the next several months, we worked, paid bills, even bought a car. We were husband and wife. Even though I knew I couldn't be female, my life felt normal. Like a void had been filled. Once Winter hit, Michelle found out she was pregnant. Around Christmas time, we went out to California for Christmas with her parents one last time before they moved to Florida. After getting home in January, things began getting desperate in the house. Since we were still living with my parents, we were forced to sleep on a futon in the living room. The futon was later moved to the dining room, which was much colder than the living room. In February, Michelle miscarried... My parents were unsympathetic, and Michelle and I were beginning to feel like we were no longer welcome in the house.
Now, Sandpoint is a very small town. A little more than 6,400 people back in 2003. There weren't very many apartments available, and though Michelle and I both were working, we still couldn't afford a full sized house.
Eventually, we made plans behind my parents' back to move to Florida. Michelle's parents would finance the move, all we had to do was quietly pack our belongings and have them shipped without my parents noticing. To tell you the truth, I was afraid of my Mother. She had shown violent bursts of anger in the past. I didn't know how she'd react to the idea of Michelle and I moving to Florida, but I didn't want to give her the chance. On February 24th, a few minutes before midnight, we put the rest of our few belongings in our car and started the drive to Coeur D'Alene. We spent a week in a motel in Coeur D'Alene waiting for the day we would board the plane to Florida. While staying at that motel, my Cousin Les and his wife came to visit. They were sympathetic to our situation, and had offered to buy our car from us.
At long last, March 4th had come. We boarded a plane in Spokane, Washington and made our way to Florida to start our lives over... again.
Goodbye Idaho, Hello sunshine... state...
I felt a renewed sense of life upon to moving to Florida. I felt like we had been given a chance to start over. Michelle's parents had not only financed our move to Florida, but had provided us with a place to stay. Our own home. Two weeks after landing in Florida, we moved into our cozy two bedroom condo in Longwood. The arrangement was we had to pay $400 a month for rent. I figured that as soon as we got jobs, we could do that. I quickly landed a job at the local Burger King, and Michelle soon was employed at Crisper's, a local deli. Things were going well, though we still didn't have a car. In May, Michelle and I found out she was pregnant again. This time we would be even more careful.
Things at Burger King didn't last, but I had already picked up a second job at a local gas station. Michelle was eventually let go at Crisper's. They feared being sued by us should Michelle fall at work and have another miscarriage. A few weeks later, Michelle's parents went to North Carolina for a vacation. While there, her parents had bought us a car. a 1983 Chevy Caprice. Not much to look at, but it ran, and was comfortable. From there, I picked up a second job at a local pizzeria delivering pizzas. Working both jobs eventually became difficult, as I was Michelle's only form of transportation to and from prenatal doctor visits. I didn't have much time to myself either, so I wound up saying goodbye to the gas station and kept my pizza delivery job. With Michelle not working, things became tight at home. After a few bad decisions, we had started falling short with rent every couple of months or so, and began accumulating debt. We spent the next few months struggling, but being happy. As the summer went on, we were able to have an ultrasound done to determine our child's sex. Up to this point, we had been calling it Peanut. And then it happened... the baby opened its legs just wide enough and long enough to see that she was a girl. A baby girl. My baby girl. We started going through names, but the final decision was yet to be made.
On October 24th, 2004, I dropped off Michelle at her parent's house before heading to work. She had been complaining of a back ache for the past two days, And I didn't want to her to be alone. about 4pm, I received a call from my mother-in-law telling me she was taking Michelle to the hospital, and to get there as soon as I could. With two hours left off my shift, my boss let me leave to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I was escorted to the room in which Michelle was located.
The next thing I knew, a young nurse came in, looked under Michelle's hospital gown, and yelled out loud. An older, experienced came in, saw what had startled the young nurse, and began to try and calm her down. When Michelle and I asked what was happening, the older nurse calmly told us that we were going to have a baby. Michelle and I chuckled, and told her we already knew that. The nurse apologized and clarified herself. We were going to have a baby... Today!
The baby had already begun crowning, and moving Michelle was the last thing the nurses and doctors wanted to do. A call was quickly put in to Michelle's OB, and he would be at the hospital within the hour. Michelle and I panicked. She was only just at the end of her 27th week. That meant the baby still had around three months to go before she was full term. We were told that a special premature baby unit was being sent from Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital in Downtown Orlando. After Michelle's OB arrived, it was decided to move Michelle to a maternity room. Very carefully, and without allowing Michelle to get up, they transferred her from the gurney to the bed in her room.
At 8:18pm, with the Arnold Palmer team assisting, Michelle's water was broken. The next few things that happened are pretty much a blur. I was standing next to Michelle, my hand in hers. She was being told to push. She hadn't been allowed an epidural, they didn't want her sitting up for it to be administered. Her arm went limp, her eyes appeared to roll back and she looked suddenly pale. I heard an alarm go off, and the nurses pushed my away from the bed. Next thing I knew, I was allowed back by Michelle's side, and once again she was gripping my hand, pushing against the contractions. It was a miracle. The miracle of a baby being born. The miracle of life. Everything that had just happened occurred in the span of only 2 minutes. 120 seconds. just a few dozen breaths worth of time had passed.
At 8:20 PM October 24th 2004, My daughter was born. 2lbs 11ozs... 14 1/2 inches long... The life I had helped create. The life that changed me forever. The life that made me a parent, a daddy, a father. In the instant she was born, Michelle and I knew what her name was: Bethany Grace Rose. She was so tiny, so fragile, even more so than full term babies. She was going to have a rough time, we had to be strong for her. Michelle was briefly allowed to hold her before she was quickly spirited away to the NICU... I didn't even get to touch her.
Bethany was transported to Arnold Palmer's NICU, but Michelle wouldn't be discharged until the next day. After a fitful sleep, she was discharged the next morning. Instead of going home, we quickly made our way to Downtown Orlando to see our baby. The next several weeks were indeed hard. Bethany had a few times been required to be put on a ventilator. This was hard for both Michelle and I to see. One time, we were told that Bethany wasn't doing well, and we should have a priest perform a baptism, just in case. Knowing how close we came to losing her is one of the hardest things I'd had to live with at the time. And then a miracle happened. She surprised the doctors and the nurses with her recovery. It was later said that the day all of her family came out to visit her in the hospital, she felt that love, and knew she had to live. She made leaps and bounds in becoming a healthy little baby girl. Altogether, she spent 7 weeks in the hospital.
On December 11th 2004, we brought our baby girl home. Exactly two weeks before Christmas. Who could've asked for a better Christmas gift.
The next 2 1/2 years were a whirlwind of working, spending time with my daughter, trying to be the best parent I could be. Granted, I didn't always sit down and just play with her, but I tried. It was difficult to have time alone with Bethany. Michelle was always hovering, never letting me take care of any of Bethany's needs. Eventually, I came to the decision of Enlisting in the US Army. We had spent the better part of the last year realizing our finances were in trouble. I thought if I enlisted, and Michelle and Bethany move into my in-laws house, we would be able to get out of debt.
Sure enough, I enlisted, and was sent to MEPS in Tampa to complete my medical and physical testing. Somehow, I managed to pass my hearing test with flying colors, despite having had a hearing issue since I was 6 years old. Next, I picked my job. Looking through all the technical choices, I settled on Signal Corp. The last thing to do before being shipped off to boot camp was to enjoy myself one last time. My in-laws had set up for all of us to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. This would be the first time I had been on a cruise ship. Sovereign of the Seas, my was she beautiful. Despite her age, I think she was a marvel of wonder. Anyway, While on the cruise, I picked up an ear infection while swimming with Stingrays. Shortly after getting home from the Bahamas, I went back to MEPS in Tampa to be sworn into the US Army. I was proud of myself. 27 years old, not exactly in the best shape, but I was trying to do something to better myself. Once I received my orders to ship out, I waas on a plane to Atlanta. From there, the other soldiers and I were bussed to Fort Benning, Geargia. In my opinion, the WORST boot camp.
I spent the next 10 days doing what every other soldier in Reception Station was doing... standing around, being told what to do, where to go, and when to eat, sleep, and use the latrine. Oh... how fun. In hind sight, I guess the Army wasn't for me. I respect everyone who has served. I know what they went through during their first few weeks of Boot Camp.
During the first few days, I was nervous. I had been told by my recruiter that there wouldn't be anymore medical tests after MEPS, except for the inoculations. Coming up to the hearing booths, I knew I was going to fail. It had been nothing more than sheer, dub luck that I'd passed back at MEPS. And sure enough, I did indeed fail. I was threatened with being arrested for malingering. I denied those claims, and I was told I was to be sent the Eyes, Ears, Nose, and Throat (EENT) Specialist at Martin Army Community Hospital on base. Yeah, that appointment was fun... not! I had over 15 different hearing tests, some used tones, others used this weird pressure gauge. After 10 days on base, I was told I would not be joining the rest of my Company in Boot Camp. I had failed "Medical Procurement Standards." In other words, my hearing tests eventually caught up with me. No reprieves, no waivers, I was to be sent home within the next 1-2 months. I celebrated my 28th birthday at Fort Benning, and missed my daughter's third birthday. I spent a total of 6 1/2 weeks at Fort Benning before I walked off the airplane in Orlando. Right into the waiting arms of my wife and daughter.
Depression...
It did feel good to be home, but I was now very depressed. I had failed at many of my jobs, I had failed at the Army, and I was afraid I would fail my family. On top of all of that, I had been having the urges to want to live as a female again. I spent the Next 3 weeks leading up to Thanksgiving in a total depression. Finally, on Thanksgiving, Michelle came into our room and asked what was wrong. It was time to tell her. I needed to transition. To say she was shocked is an understatement. She thought that I'd be the man, the husband, and the father for the rest of our lives. She said she needed to think, so I stayed in the room and left her alone.
About an hour later, she had come out of the bathroom, crying. She asked me one simple question. If she didn't let me transition, would I leave her? I didn't even have to think about the answer. As much as she meant to me, this was something I had to do. With, or without her.
A few minutes later, she came up to me and told me that she'd stay... that she'd let me transition, and she'd support me. The next four months went by, I was letting my hair grow back out. Michelle and I had picked out a name for me: Danielle. I was ready for this, or so I thought. I had been put in contact with the then moderator of the Transgender support group at the GLBT Community Center in Orlando. I was invited to attend a meeting with the support group, which I try to attend still to this day. I met several wonderful people. I was getting lots of support from people I had never met before. And it felt wonderful to be able to be me!
Michelle's mom had also bcome quite confrontational. She would have several cans of beer a night, then start an argument. She and her husband didn't want me in their family. I'd screwed up, been caught in a few lies. I didn't want them prying into my business, so I didn't feel like I needed to tell them the truth. To boot, they never really did accept me in their family. I was always the odd one out. Truthfully, I don't blame them... much. I was different than them. I came from a different background, I had had my issues growing up. I didn't have happy memories of being a child. I came from broken families. Michelle's family could not say the same about themselves, nor could Michelle herself.
The events of one particular night are what culminated in the decision to move back to Idaho yet again. Michelle's mother, in one of her drunken stupors, attempted to come in our bedroom, complaining that I had stolen a cigarette out of her pack. Which, of course, I did not. She then began yelling, threatening to kick me out. When I raised my voice in protest, she tried to slap me across the face. I managed to block her using only my arm, but then she tried again. This time, I lightly grabbed her wrist, and told her that I would not allow her to hit me. Memories came flooding back. My father had been a little excessive in his punishments. many times it was with a belt. But when he was drunk, he'd use fists. And I was unable to defend myself as a child.
I let go of her wrist, and she said she was going to call the police on me for attacking her. I got in my car, and drove to the nearest Walmart. I called my mother, crying, and told her what happened. Sympathetic, she told me to come home. This time would be different, she said... This time I would be a parent. So That's what Michelle and I did. We packed up our belongings again, this time in a Ryder truck, and Michelle and I drove cross country back to Idaho. Michelle had convinced her mother to fly out a week later to bring Bethany to us.
We spent 7 months in Idaho, and guess what I learned. My mother STILL could not be trusted. Shortly after arriving, my mother said we'd have to leave, because of my cross-dressing, she said... I was getting tired of this. My mother knew about the transition. She said she supported me. Well folks, I just found out a few weeks ago (November 2011) that she said it only to get us to move out there. Over time, Shaun's brother had come to be friendly with Michelle and I. He was a bit of an ass, but I could deal with him I though. He eventually moved out to Idaho to begin a relationship with one of Michelle's new friends. While living in Idaho, I did happen to meet someone that I would eventually get to know a lot better, a co-worker. He seemed friendly enough, and his wife was someone I worked with occasionally. Anyway, I guess during my time in Idaho, I inspired him. Like I said before, this was a little town. People weren't open minded. But seeing me be who I was, despite all the bigotry and hate, must have made him, now her realize her full potential. Glad I could help.
So once again, we re-packed all of our belongings and moved back to Florida. This time I made the drive alone. It was interesting, and I did get to stop in Kansas and see one of my all time best friends. Once home in Florida, Things seemed optimistic again. Michelle's mother had been going to AA Alcoholics Anonymous for nearly 6 months, and she even apologized to me. I wasn't sure if it was heartfelt, or that she just felt obligated to do it, but I accepted it. Michelle, Bethany, and I spent the next 6 months continuing to live at my in-laws' house in Lake Mary. I managed to find a job at a local call center, and worked there as "Dani". Living and working part time as Danielle seemed to be ok, but I wanted more. I knew It was selfish, but I wasn't satisfied. Finally, after 3 weeks of looking for a new home, Michelle and I talked Robert into moving to Florida, and renting a house with us. I will always remember the date we moved into that house, because it's the date I went Full time as Danielle. April 19th, 2009. I am now nearing my third year of being full time.
Robert knew about my transition into full time, but didn't like, or support it. Moments at home could get a little tense. But I was living my dream. Not to be rich, or famous, or an astronaut... My dream was to be a girl, a woman. And it finally happened. I wasn't able to start hormones, let alone my name change, due to financial difficulties. It went on this way for a year. Michelle and I had rough times too. She was beginning to have difficulties with the change, though she tried to put on a good show for me. In July, despite Michelle's wishes, I came out to her parents. Not a good idea. It made them dislike me even more. Michelle became stuck in between supporting me, and supporting her parents. Sometime later, she left me... we had an argument about how I wasn't allowed at Bethany's fifth birthday party, which was being held at my in-laws' house. And I yelled at her again, much in the same way I did when I broke up with her years before. Only this time, I did it in front of my then 5 year old daughter.
It took a little over a week, but we managed to reconcile. Robert was also beginning to make life tough, getting very confrontational. He suffered from PTSD, caused by unspeakable events that happened to him while in the army, but refused to take his medication. Michelle and I decided to move to an apartment, just a few blocks away. It was tough, living on our own. But we managed. That is, until I lost yet another job. With promises of rent being paid with our pending income tax return, we managed to stay in our apartment until the end of February 2011. Then we got the eviction notice. I talked Michelle into taking Bethany and moving into her parents' house again. But I would not be welcome there this time. We packed up our belongings again, and stored them at various friends' houses around Central Florida. I took a bed and a few other personal things with me to my friend Kelly's house. She was the sister-in-law of Stacey, one of my closest friends in Florida, and had stated I could stay with her for a while. Things eventually didn't go so well, I spent much of my food stamps keeping food in the house. It was part of our agreement, but her kids were eating though everything I bought. When I finally said I was going to cut down on the amount I spent, she started to get distant.
Around this time, I talked a friend into coming over to fix Kelly’s car. Barb, a fellow transwoman, had once been a mechanic, and had helped me fix my car several times. With Kelly's car now fixed, I guess she didn't need me around anymore. I had left on a trip with Barb to help with her truck driving job. She transported cars. When I came back, I had found I was now locked out of Kelly's house, and had effectively been kicked out. With nowhere else to go, Barb let me stay with her and her 80 year old father. I spent the next few months riding along with Barb, helping her with her car hauling in exchange for food, drink, and cigarettes, as well as a little spending money. I had given Michelle our food stamp card, and she was using it all for herself and Bethany. Since I wasn't making a lot of money, I occasionally requested to use it for the times I did not go on the road with Barb.
Prior to the eviction, I had used part of the tax refund money to buy round trip Greyhound tickets for Michelle and Bethany to travel to Idaho for my sister's high school graduation. Since I wasn't welcome at their home in my state of transition, I didn't see any reason to go. In June, near the scheduled day for Michelle and Bethany to leave, I went to my in-laws' house to give Michelle some money for the trip. In exchange, since I was giving her all the money I had, I wanted to use the food card. Michelle said no. That started an argument which led to me yelling at her the way had the last two times. And again, my daughter was there to hear it all. Since I was unable to drive, having found out my license was suspended during a routine police pull over, Barb had driven me there that day. When she saw I had begun to lose my temper, she quickly came and dragged me away... The marriage really didn't survive beyond that day.
After their return from Idaho, Michelle and Bethany continued to call every night so I could say good night to my daughter. But Michelle didn't talk much to me anymore. On our 8th wedding anniversary, I offered to take her out to eat, but she declined. During this time, I spent a lot of time with another of my closest friends, Stephanie. She and I had met a little more than a year and a half earlier when I offered to take her to the support group meeting at The Center. We could always talk, and I always felt like she was someone special. Barb and I invited her to go with us on one of our trips, just a short jaunt up to Georgia. During this trip, my marriage was in trouble. I knew it. But I wanted to stay with Michelle for the sake of Bethany. On our return trip, Barb couldn't go any further. She needed to rest. She asked Stephanie and I to wake her in a few hours, so with that, Stephanie and I left the truck to explore the shopping center we had parked in. During our time there, Stephanie and I had begun to talk, learn more about one another. I quickly realized I was beginning to develop feelings for her. But I was married. I couldn't do that to Michelle, even if the marriage was close to being over.
In August, I had a court appearance scheduled. I was due in court over the ticket I received for driving on a suspended license. I was nervous as it was. I didn't know what was going to happen. I walked into the courtroom, dressed in a matching skirt and blouse outfit. The deputy called out for MISTER Darrell Rose. A name I had not gone by in a while, at least, not with my friends. I was being served divorce papers.
Divorce. the one thing I had hoped would never happen. Michelle had filed, but since I was technically homeless, She had no way of having me served directly. That's where the court had come in. I spent the next few days going through the phases. Anger, depression, denial. Finally, after some days had gone by, I was in such a state of depression, that I took nearly a hand full of Tylenol PM's... I didn't want to wake up. I hadn't slept in 3 days. I think that was the lowest moment in my life. barb tried to wake me up, it was time to get ready to go to work. She said I didn't move a muscle, nor did I make a sound. She said she checked my pulse to make sure I was still alive, and then she left for work.
When I finally woke up, it was after noon. I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself. I cried for a while, then plopped back down on Barb's bed. I looked at her dresser and saw a pair of scissors. Maybe Michelle would take me back if I gave up being Danielle. I grabbed the scissors, and headed to the bathroom. Still crying, I grabbed my hair, and was about to cut it all off when Barb's personal ring tone went off. I knew if I didn't answer, she would've called her dad to come check up on me. I set the scissors down and answered the phone. Despite being angry with me, she needed my help. I did what she asked, and then laid back down on the bed... I couldn't believe I had almost just given up being Danielle.
Eventually, I learned from Michelle that the marriage had indeed been over for a while. She couldn’t handle me being Danielle any more. On top of that, she was tired of always struggling. I couldn’t give her the life she or my daughter deserved. Thankfully, even amid the divorce, Michelle told me she would never take my daughter away from me. I could see her whenever I wanted. But one life was over, and another was about to start.
I had pissed Barb off pretty good at that point. When she got home, she told me I needed to start looking for a real job. Living in a secluded part of Debary in Volusia County, I didn't have many nearby options. It was then that Stephanie and I had begun to consider the possibility of me moving in with her and her brother. And that's when my life changed... again.
About 4 weeks before I began writing this autobiography, I was in emotional turmoil. I still had feelings for Stephanie, but I didn't know how she would respond. I finally decided to come out with it on Facebook. It took her a couple days, and a few clues, but she finally understood how I felt about her... And now I'm lucky to have her. She's my soul mate, and we're also best friends. This is meant to be inspirational to any of you who need inspiration. You can see how I had come to live in the darkness of my demons, but then rose to live in the light when surrounded by people who care. I choose to live, now, and forever, as Danielle. That is who I am.
Danielle LeighAnn Rose
I Began writing this story back in 2006 and posted it on Ficitonmania. Life got in the way of completing the story, so I decided to leave it as a single story. I'm really considering reviving this series (this is NOT the story I was alluding to in my last blog). If you think I should continue this series, please leave a comment saying as much.
That’s How the System Works
By Danielle Rose (Danileigh79)
CHAPTER 1
As I laid in bed, I thought about everything that had happened two weeks earlier that changed my life forever. My name is Darrell, or at least it was until two weeks ago. At first, I thought that what happened to me was punishment for committing an unforgivable act of betrayal towards my family. I couldn't think of what to call myself, but the words "liar" and "traitor" kept popping up in the back of my mind.
Nearly two months ago, just two weeks before my seventeenth birthday, I had been caught shoplifting at Tower Records. My parents didn't want to put up with my deviant behavior any longer, so I was sent to live with my mom's stepfather. After my grandmother had passed away six years earlier, my grandfather had become a bit of a recluse, and my parents thought it would be beneficial for both my grandfather and me if I moved in with him into his mobile home in Anaheim. My grandfather was a bit of a disciplinarian, and proved to me immediately that I was not going to like living with him. I wasn't allowed to watch television, except for current events and educational programs, nor was I even allowed to listen to my Sony Walkman. I was there as a punishment and I wasn't going to get off easy.
My grandfather really liked trains, so we would often go to the train station in Fullerton after he picked me up from school. I got to know a couple of his friends, and even though they were much older than me, I really started liking them. Christine and Larry, the two of my grandfather's friends I saw the most, offered to take me to see more trains in Pomona one night. I had been getting excited about finally getting a break from my grandfather, but he put his foot down and told them I had to stay with him. When Christine and Larry asked him if he would bring me up, he got angry and began yelling at his friends. When Christine got too close, my grandfather turned around and pushed her to the ground. He then grabbed my t-shirt and pulled me off in the direction of his car in the parking lot.
That night, after my grandfather had calmed down, we were in his bedroom watching the news on the only working TV in the house. We had just finished eating dinner when we heard a knock at the kitchen door. My grandfather told me to stay put, and he went to answer the door. When I heard him yelling, I snuck into the hallway and found Christine and Larry standing on the porch. They were demanding my grandfather apologize to Christine. When he refused and slammed the door, I quietly hurried back into his room and acted like nothing happened. We finished the night by watching the some more News, and then went to bed around 10:00. I was awoken about an hour and a half later by a loud banging. When I looked out of the window, I saw two police cars in front of the mobile home. I then saw Christine standing by one of the police cars, accompanied by Larry. When an officer came into my room, he asked me if I was okay. When I told him yes, he asked me to get as many clothes that I could fit into one bag. When I asked him why, he told me that he was taking me someplace safe. I grabbed a few clothes and tossed them into my backpack, then followed the officer out of the house.
I overheard Christine talking to another officer outside, and found out that she feared my grandfather was physically abusing me.
"I finally found a way out of this hell hole," I thought to myself.
When the officers placed me in the car, they asked me if I had any family in the area. I told them that my mom and stepfather lived on the other side of Anaheim, and my dad and his wife lived in Buena Park. They took me back to the police station, and offered me a soda while they called my mom and stepfather first. When the officer returned to the waiting area I was sitting in, he told me that my mom was still upset about the shoplifting and didn't want me at home. He then called my dad and asked him if he would come and get me, but I knew my dad would say no. I had already lived with him and his wife once before and made them very angry in the past by skipping school and getting into trouble. I didn't think I was a bad kid, just very mischievous. I wasn't a bad student either; I just needed to apply myself to getting my work done.
After the officer returned for the second time, he said no luck with my Dad and I was going to have to be taken to Orangewood Children's Home. I nodded slowly as I realized that I was about to become a "system kid". I had known a few people who had been taken away from their parents and put into foster homes, but I thought that it could never happen to me. I stopped the officer and told him I didn't want to go to Orangewood. He looked me in the eye and asked me if I had been telling the truth about my grandfather. I felt bad lying about my grandfather and was about to tell him "no", but no matter how bad I felt I couldn't continue living with my grandfather, or be arrested for lying to the police. When I nodded my head and told him it was the truth, he looked me in the eye a few moments longer and then walked away. About 15 minutes later, the night watch commander came out of his office and told me I would be escorted to Orangewood at 2:00am. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only half past midnight, so I decided that I might as well take a quick nap.
When the officer woke me up, I felt very groggy. As I tried to sit up, I was hit by a wave of dizziness. After I succeeded in standing up, I knew right away something was very wrong. My balance was off, and I couldn't seem to see straight. I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. Putting my glasses back on, I looked myself over and saw that I was still wearing pajamas, but they were different. They were feminine in design. I also noticed a strange weight on my chest and my attention was drawn to the two mounds protruding under my shirt. I had breasts! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I quickly ran into the nearby restroom marked "Men". I proceeded to pull down my pajama bottoms and saw white cotton panties. I didn't see the usual bulge of my penis; instead I saw a flat crotch between my legs. I then pulled at the waistband of the panties and confirmed that I was no longer male.
While I was standing there in awe over my new body, a male officer came into the restroom and froze at the sight of a teenage girl staring down her underwear with her pajama pants around her ankles. He quickly apologized and made his way out of the restroom, shielding his eyes. Immediately after he left, I pulled up my bottoms, and left the restroom to find the night watch commander asking me if I was okay. What confused me even more is how he kept referring to me as "Miss Rose".
"I know this is going to sound crazy, but what is my name?" I asked.
"Amber Lynn Rose," he replied, looking at me as if I really was crazy. He walked to the water cooler and filled up a paper cup with water. I gladly accepted the cup of water and tried to sort through what had happened to me.
I felt another wave of dizziness and fell to the ground, shaking. A few moments later, I felt a strong arm help me stand up. It was the same officer who had woken me up. As I looked into his eyes, he asked me if I was ready to head over to Orangewood. I just nodded and followed him and another officer to the police garage. After I got into the backseat of the police car, I began to feel dizzy again. The police car pulled out of the garage and turned onto the street. We then made our way through Downtown Fullerton towards the freeway. I heard the officers talking normally as if there wasn't anyone in the backseat of their squad car as we pulled onto the 57 freeway. Less than ten minutes later, the police car got off of the freeway and we drove down the street for a few minutes before pulling into a driveway that had a sign marked "Orange County Justice Center".
I thought I was being taken to Juvenile Hall. I breathed a sigh of relief when they turned to the right instead of going towards the jail. We pulled into a parking space in front of a large building that I assumed must be Orangewood Children's Home. The officer in the driver seat got out of the car and proceeded to open the back door for me. When I got out of the car, I recognized the area. We were right across the street from the condemned City Mall. I had never seen the mall at night before, and it looked scary. I looked around for a few moments more, then the officer told me we needed to go inside.
Walking into the main office of Orangewood, I noticed that it was completely empty of life. Then I remembered that it was still the middle of the night. The officer directed me towards the reception window, and asked me to sit in a chair directly beside the window. He then walked through a door on the side of the window.
A few moments later, the officer came out of the door and was followed by an older portly woman. She was holding a clipboard with paper-clipped papers in one hand, and a pen in the other. She sat down in a chair next to me and removed a rectangular plastic card from under the paperclip and laid it on her clipboard. I positioned myself until I could see that it was a California issued driver's license. The picture on it was of a pretty red-headed girl named Amber Rose. Apparently, this was my driver's license.
"Hi, Amber. My name is Sandy." she said. Pointing at the driver's license, she said, "We're going to have to hang on to this. I just need to verify your information here. I have your full name as Amber Lynn Rose. Is that correct?"
I nodded lightly, aware that telling her my name was actually Darrell might have gotten me thrown into a psychiatric hospital.
"Okay, good," she said. "The address on your driver's license says 5781 Los Pacos Street, Buena Park. Is that correct?"
That was my dad's address! My dad had gotten fed up with me ditching school, so he sent me to live with my mom when I was sixteen. That must mean that my dad had never kicked me out of his house. I was ecstatic to know that I must not have completely ruined our relationship. But if he and I were still on good terms, why had he allowed me to be taken to Orangewood?
"That's my Dad's address," I said.
The woman looked up at the officer and asked him if he was sure I didn't have any living relatives. He looked down and shook his head. This frightened me. I had lots of relatives living in Southern California. Aunts, uncles, even step-family who had come to accept me as part of their family. And I had even more living elsewhere.
I looked up at the woman, then over to the officer. "Why am I here?" I asked.
The woman looked over at me and answered, "I'm sorry dear, but from what I’ve been told, your family was killed a few hours ago. This nice officer here said you were sleeping at a friend's house. If you had been home, you too would have been killed. I was watching the whole thing on the news. You poor thing, you're here because you have nowhere else to go."
I felt like I was going to throw up. "Where's my Mom? Where's my sister? My whole family can't be gone!" I yelled out.
The woman looked at me and I could see the sympathy in her eyes. "I don't have an answer for you, I just found out a few minutes ago what happened. I'm sorry, but I don't have any more information than what I've already told you. Look, I know it's been a long night, and you look really tired. Let's finish getting you processed so we can get you to your cottage and in bed. Do you have or have you ever had the following?" She then rattled off a bunch of diseases and health conditions. I shook my head and answered "no" to all the afflictions she mentioned. She then asked if there was any known history of mental illness in my family. I again answered that question with "no". She then asked me to follow her into the back area on the other side of the reception window.
As we walked by a couple of doors, I saw a room that was occupied by incubators and cribs. 'This must be where they keep the newborns,' I thought to myself. As we passed the last door, we came to an examination room. The same kind you find in a doctor's office. I was asked to sit on the exam table, and remove all my clothing. I was handed an exam gown and told that the nurse would be in after a minute or two.
I kicked off my tennis shoes and looked around the room for a moment. I saw a mirror on the back of the door, and couldn't help thinking that I should get a better look at myself. I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I began undressing my self. First, the t-shirt came off. As I pulled it off, I noticed that I was wearing a sports bra underneath. I then pulled down the pajama bottoms so that I was standing in the sports bra and panties. I continued to stare in the mirror, admiring the fact that at least I had a decent figure. I was about 5'4", maybe 110 pounds. I had a fairly average build for a teenage girl. I noticed that I still had "baby fat" around my tummy and hips.
My chest wasn't impressive, but I wasn't flat either. My face still looked the same, except that it was softer and more rounded. I noticed that instead of my usually sandy blond hair, I now had hair that was a light red. I pulled down my panties and saw that it was indeed my natural hair color. As I pulled my panties completely off, I could see my pubic area unobstructed in the mirror for the first time. It looked like every other female's that I had seen while looking through my Dad’s hidden stash of Playboy magazines. Remembering that I was not going to be alone for much longer, I took off my sports bra and pulled on the exam gown. I heard a knock at the door, and a young woman opened the door.
"Hi Amber, my name is Jessie. I'm going to do a quick exam on you so you can get to bed. First off, I need to know approximately when you start your period every month."
I was in shock. I hadn't even thought about having a period after being turned into a girl. I looked at the calendar to find that it was still November 2nd, so I told her that it usually stopped around the end of the month. She then asked me if I was sexually active, and feeling somewhat my cheeks blush, I told her no.
"Even though you answered 'no' on the health questionnaire, we're still required by the health department to check and make sure that you don't have any STD's. I assure you that it's routine for all who become residents here," she stated. Preparing to draw my blood, she continued, "I'm also going to need a urine sample to test for drugs. There's a bathroom across the hall."
After she finished my exam, she told me I could get dressed. Instead of putting the sports bra back on, I pulled my t-shirt on over my bare breasts. I then pulled on my panties, followed by my pants and tennis shoes. I left the exam room and walked across the hall to the bathroom. Turning on the light, I saw a clear plastic sample cup sitting on the back of the toilet. I pulled down my pajama bottoms and panties before sitting down to pee. Somehow knowing exactly what to do, I filled the cup and pulled up my underwear and pajama pants. I washed my hands and left the bathroom.
I was then escorted by Jessie back out through the waiting area, and then out a set of glass double doors. Walking out into the cool night air, I could make out the silhouettes of ten or eleven buildings surrounded by a large brick wall. Jessie led me to the next to last building on the right side of the pathway and opened the door, allowing me to enter. The first room we entered was a large living room with a big screen TV and two or three sofas. The lights were turned off, but I could still see my way towards the next room. We stopped at a small desk located in the hallway. There was nobody sitting at it, so Jessie told me to stay where I was while she went to look for the person working the night shift that night. She came back after a couple minutes, followed by a tall blond woman who appeared to be in her early twenties.
"Hi, my name is Stephanie," she stated. I introduced myself using the name the officer had given the woman back at the main office. She seemed friendly, and didn't stop smiling at me once. "Per the state health department, you do need to shower before joining the rest of the girls here. I'll get you some shampoo and soap, and meet you in the bathroom."
When I walked into the bathroom, it looked just like a locker room you would find in almost any school gym or athletic club. Alongside the door were three wooden benches. Along one wall was a set of sinks, each with its own mirror above. Following the sinks were lockers, each with a different colored combination lock. On the back wall were the showers. Each shower was located in a small stall with shower curtains. And finally, on the opposite wall from the sinks and lockers, were six toilet stalls. The absence of standing urinals only made me think of my situation more. Stephanie came into the bathroom a short time later carrying a small bar of Caress and a travel sized bottle of Pert Plus shampoo. She was also carrying a small bundle of clothing, a towel and washcloth, and some slippers.
"I'm sorry Amber, but you're going to have to wear our clothing too. You can wear your own underwear if you want, but you'll probably want to change out of them after your shower. I picked out a pair of bottoms and a t-shirt for you. I hope you enjoy your shower, and I'll see you in a bit."
Stephanie walked out of the bathroom and left me to take my shower. I turned on the water and quickly got undressed. Stepping into the shower stall, I felt the hot water spraying over my body. As the water passed over my nipples, I couldn't believe how sensitive they had become. I stood there and allowed the water to stimulate my nipples for only a few more moments, then decided that I had better begin washing myself. I grabbed the bar of soap and the washcloth and began lathering myself up. After rinsing off, I knew I was going to have to wash between my legs too. I nervously brought the washcloth down to my pubic area and started to gently wash there too. The sensations I got from touching myself down there were mind-blowing. I had no idea that a girl's vagina was so sensitive. After washing my hair, I shut off the water and began drying myself off with the towel that was provided.
After getting dressed in the clothes Stephanie supplied me with, I put on the slippers and made my way out of the bathroom, walking back to the small staff desk. I found Stephanie sitting there, reading an issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine. After making my presence known, she stood up and asked me how I felt.
"Tired," I responded. "I'm ready to go to bed."
"Good. Now since it's late, I'm going to put you in an empty room tonight, so we don't wake anybody up. If you'd like, we can get you assigned to a room with a roommate tomorrow." I followed Stephanie back down the hallway and into an unoccupied room. It seemed that she had already come in and made the bed with clean sheets for me. The room had two twin size beds, two nightstands, and one long dresser. I plopped down onto the bed and took off my slippers and laid down.
Stephanie looked at me and said, "Good night, Amber. I hope tomorrow will go better for you."
Because I was so tired, all I could manage was a small groan of thanks before taking off my glasses and drifting off to sleep.
CHAPTER 2
A male counselor woke me up around 10:00 the next morning. He introduced himself as Carlos, and told me that I was allowed to sleep in today because of what time I had arrived last night. He asked me to get dressed and then join the rest of the kids in the living room for a short meeting. I found that Stephanie had left a couple different outfits for me to sort through on the other bed in my room. I picked out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I then grabbed the sports bra I had been wearing last night walked out of my room and into the bathroom to change. After donning the new clothes, I threw my nightclothes into the nearby hamper as instructed and walked into the living room. There were about twenty girls sitting around the living room, talking among themselves. I took a seat on the nearest sofa and looked around. The living room was large, and connected to a large dining room and kitchen.
"Listen up girls," stated Carlos. "We have a new girl." He pointed at me and asked me to introduce myself.
"Hi. My name's Amber," I nervously stated.
"What did you do to get tossed in a place like this?" asked one girl.
"There was some kind of accident at my house last night," I replied. "I was at a sleepover with my friends when it happened. I was told my entire family died."
A few of the girls suddenly looked very sympathetic. When I started crying over the loss of my Dad and whoever else had died, a female counselor came over to me and gave me a big hug and then patted me on the shoulder, telling me it was okay to let out all my tears. She told me her name was Jen, and if I ever needed a shoulder to cry on, she would be there for me. I thanked her, and the wiped my cheeks dry. Carlos then began to speak again.
"I want all of you to treat Amber like any of you'd want to be treated. If I hear any of you doing otherwise, it'll be a week of 'basic' for you. That goes double for you and your friends, Miss Camacho. I've got a couple of announcements. Anyone on blue or green levels who wants to go to the gym and have co-ed activities, line up and sign your names on the sheet. Also, we're going to have a community barbecue tonight. If anyone is opposed to having hot dogs or hamburgers, there's also going to be chicken and sausages. Any questions?" When nobody answered, Carlos stood up and said, "Alright, you're dismissed. Have a good day today."
Most of the girls got up and wandered to different parts of the cottage. I leaned over and asked the brown-haired girl still sitting next to me what 'basic' was.
"It's part of the level system here. If you're good and do all of your chores and keep out of trouble, you're on what they call the 'blue' level. You're given the easiest chores and are allowed the most privileges. Then there's green, which means you've been good, but messed up on something small, like not making your bed or you took too long on your chores. Standard means you're in trouble, but not enough to put you on basic. And finally there's basic. If you're on basic, then you've practically committed murder. They make you wear these ugly pink pants and you have the least amount of TV and computer time than the girls who are on the upper levels. It also means you're given the crappiest chores and you have to go to bed at 8:30. Everyone starts on green and either makes their way up to blue, or they immediately screw up and wind up on standard or basic."
I saw Carlos listening to us, and then he said, "She nailed it on the money. That's Kim, and she's a good person here. She's been on blue the entire two months she's been here and knows the rules. She can help you out here. If you have any questions and the staff is too busy, you can ask her. She's a trustee. Someone who helps us staff with small errands."
Kim stood up and asked me if I wanted to follow her into her room. I shrugged my shoulders, got up from the couch, and followed her into the back hallway. Her room was at the opposite end of the hallway from my room. When we entered her room, I noticed that there weren't any sheets on the second bed.
"You don't have a roommate?" I asked
Kim shook her head and replied, "Most of the girls think I'm a goodie-goodie. A lot of the girls are in here because they grew up in crappy homes or because their family didn't want them. I'm in here because my grandma got sick, then sent to an old folks home. I didn't have any other family, so I got sent here. When my grandma died last month, it was decided that I would stay here until I'm either 18, until I get adopted, or until I get placed in a group home. Teens don't usually get adopted. People only want to adopt the newborns and younger children. I've been here for two months and haven't had any placement interviews either. It doesn't really bother me though. After my parents died, I practically raised myself. My grandma was a good person, but she didn't really know how to cook. I know how to take care of myself."
For the next hour or so, Kim and I talked about everything under the sun. I found out that she liked punk rock music, sci-fi movies, video games, and reading. Those were all the same things I had liked to do when I was a guy, and it didn't seem that my tastes were any different now that I was a girl.
"Do you like Bad Religion?" I asked her.
"Like them? I have all of their albums on tape," she responded. "But if you ask me, I think the Ramones are the best," she added.
"My Dad loved the Ramones. They were one of his favorite bands," I commented. When I started thinking of my Dad, I felt the tears welling up inside again. I had never felt like crying so much. Kim gently pulled me over into a hug and let me cry on her shoulder. After a few minutes, I tried my best to regain my composure. Among all the sniffles, I manage to thank Kim for letting me get my feelings out. In an attempt to change the subject, Kim asked me if I liked Steven King books.
"I've only read a few of them," I answered. "The Langoliers is probably my favorite, but I really liked It and Dolores Claiborne too."
We talked for what felt like hours. The topics ranged from things like our favorite subject in school to the different shows we liked. Then Kim brought up the subject of boys. She asked me if I thought Leonardo DiCaprio was cute. I was about to say "no", but surprised myself by saying loudly, "Yes!"
At first, I couldn't believe that I was possibly attracted to guys. Then it dawned on me. 'It's got to be all that estrogen in my system,' I thought to myself. I was beginning to realize that it was only natural for me to start behaving like a girl. After all, I was now a part of the female gender.
Around 12:30, we were called out into the living room, where we lined up to walk over to the main cafeteria. Kim told me as we stood in line that the kitchens in the cottages were mainly for snacks or light meals when the cafeteria was closed. Otherwise, we'd be eating most of our meals with the rest of the occupants of Orangewood. When we got to the cafeteria, I was delighted to see we were having pizza for lunch. After eating two servings each of the pepperoni pizza, Kim and I walked back to our cottage and Kim asked permission to show me around the grounds. Since we were both on higher levels, Jen told us that we could walk around for a little bit, as long as we were back by 2:00.
Kim showed me the on site school that we would be going to Monday through Friday. She then showed me the gym building and the adjacent athletic field and playground. After walking around the field for about thirty minutes, we headed back to the cottage. On our way, Kim asked me if I wanted to be her roommate.
"I'd really like that," I answered. I started to cry again.
"What's wrong?" asked Kim.
"I've just been through so much in the last 12 hours or so," I stated. "It feels nice to have a friend in here."
"Well, just stick with me and everything will be fine. You know, it's nice to finally know someone in this place who isn't a juvenile delinquent."
We shared a laugh at that comment, and then entered the cottage through the front door. We walked up to Carlos sitting at the staff desk, and asked him if it would be okay if I moved rooms so I could be Kim's roommate. After he said yes, Kim helped me move the few clothes I had and my bedding into our room.
"Don't you have any underwear or bras?" she asked.
I told her that all my clothes were in my house when the accident occurred. I didn't like lying to her, but I knew it would be easier than trying to explain that I had been a guy until late last night. She offered to take me to the office and help me search through the donated clothes for underwear and bras. I felt embarrassed when I asked her what size bra she thought I wore. Since I had obviously never worn a regular bra, I had no idea of my size.
"Are you telling me you don't wear bras?" she asked.
"I usually stick with sports bras," I responded. I was afraid Kim was going to ask me why, but she just shrugged her shoulders and let the subject go.
"Well, you look about my size, and I'm a 34-B. You can try one on and see how it fits."
Wile we rummaged through the donated clothing in the main office, Kim held up a brand new matching black cotton bra and panty set. "This looks cute, Amber. Why don't you try these on in the bathroom?"
I took the under garments into the bathroom and locked the door. I pulled off my t-shirt and removed the sports bra. I pulled off the tags on the bra and held it in front of me while I looked in the mirror. It did look cute. I struggled with the clasps in the back for a few moments before successfully putting on the bra. I adjusted the shoulder straps, and found to my delight that Kim had indeed guessed my size correctly. I then reached down for the panties and set them down on the counter before pulling off my shorts and panties. I pulled the tag off the panties and then pulled them up my smooth legs. I turned and looked in the mirror and saw a sight that would have made me horny when I was a guy. I was beautiful. I quickly redressed in my shorts and t-shirt and exited the bathroom.
"Well?" asked Kim. "How do they fit?"
"Perfect," I stated.
"Great. I picked out about a half dozen more bras for you and found this unopened pack of underwear. I hope you don't mind."
"No, I don't mind," I responded. "Thanks Kim, for everything."
"What are friends for?"
Walking back to the cottage, I amazed myself by thinking of Kim as my new best friend. We had only met a few hours before, but I knew we would be friends for a very long time. When we got back to the cottage, we were asked by Carlos and Jen to help take items for the barbeque out to the conjoined patio we shared with the teenage boys. When we stepped outside, I got my first look at many of the boys living in the cottage next to us. They looked to be between thirteen and seventeen years in age. Carlos told us that we were actually going to only eat with the other kids our own age.
About half an hour later, we were all called to dish up our plates with the available hot dogs, hamburgers, baked beans, and potato salad. Kim and I loaded our plates, and then found a quiet corner to sit in. While we were eating, two twin guys came up to us and asked if we minded them sitting with us. We looked up at the guys and told them we didn't mind. They asked our names and, after telling them, they introduced themselves as Aaron and Shawn. I found out that, much like Kim and I, the boys were in Orangewood because their aunt died in a car accident a few weeks before. They had been living with their aunt after their parents had been shot to death in a robbery gone bad at a grocery store. We talked for a little while before Aaron and Shawn left to play basketball with a few of their friends.
After dinner, we were called back to our own cottages so we could do our evening chores. I was assigned to dusting the common areas while Kim vacuumed. These chores were so easy that Kim and I were done within the span of ten minutes. After we put away our cleaning supplies, we went to the clothes closet and picked out a set of pajamas each. We decided to take our showers early because there was a good movie on TV that night and didn't want to miss any of it. Saturday and Sunday nights were usually movie night, and we were allowed to stay up an extra hour on weekends. Tonight's movie was The Lion King on ABC. I'd seen that movie over a dozen times, but loved it anyway. After our showers, we quickly donned our pajamas and walked into the living room to find Carlos had heated up several bags of popcorn.
During the movie, I found myself crying uncontrollably at the part where Simba's father, Mufasa, is killed by the stampeding wildebeests. I had seen this scene many times, and was never affected the way I was now. I got up from the couch and walked into the bathroom. I walked over to the sink, and after turning on the faucet, splashed my face with cold water. A few moments later, Kim walked into the bathroom and asked me if I was okay.
"I'm just being a big baby," I replied. "This movie always makes me want to cry, but this is the first time I've actually cried while watching it."
"Are you kidding me? I‘ve cried every single time I've seen it." Kim walked over to one of the toilets and pulled down her pajama bottoms and underwear before sitting down to use the restroom. I was amazed at how comfortable she must've felt around me if she was urinating with the stall door open. "Don't worry; it's a girl's prerogative to cry if she feels like it, right?"
I cracked a smile and nodded enthusiastically. After Kim finished her business and washed her hands, we walked back out to the living room and finished watching The Lion King with the other girls. After the movie was over, everyone went to bed. As Kim and I headed off towards our room, I noticed Stephanie walk through the main door of the cottage, ready to start her shift.
"Lights out," announced Carlos. I switched off our bedroom light, but a few minutes later, Stephanie knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. I told her she was welcome in our room at anytime, and she turned the light on as she entered the room.
"How was your first day here?" asked Stephanie.
"It was pretty good," I answered. "I met a great friend. My best friend." I looked over at Kim and gave her a warm smile.
"That's good. I was worried about you today. I didn't know how you were going to adjust living here," proclaimed Stephanie.
"It's different," I responded. "But I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Well, good night, girls. Maybe I'll see you in the morning." Stephanie turned off the bedroom light and left to start her nightly duties.
"Hey, Amber? Did you mean what you said about me being your best friend?" asked Kim.
"Of course I did, Kim. I have never had a friend like you before. I want us to be best friends always."
"I've never been anyone's best friend before... it feels nice."
"What are best friends for?" I asked.
"Thanks for everything," she said.
I tried to tell her 'no problem', but I was yawning so much, it made it near impossible to say anything intelligible. We both drifted off to sleep and, for the first time ever, I dreamed about being held by a man.
CHAPTER 3
I had experienced wet dreams as a guy before, but when I awoke to Kim's voice telling me to get up, I felt like I had peed myself. My pajamas and sheets were damp, and I felt sticky between my legs and on my thighs. I couldn't remember much about what I was dreaming, but it must've been one heck of a good dream.
"Hey, Sleepyhead, wake up," said Kim. "I think you're going to want to take a shower."
"What time is it?" I asked, still feeling very groggy.
"It's a quarter till seven," she replied. "I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, I noticed you were sleeping in a puddle of some sort. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened. I thought you'd want to clean up so you didn't continue to sleep in your own love juices."
"Thanks, Kim. Wow… That was the first time that's ever happened," I commented.
"Well, I guess your body's telling you something, huh?" she said.
"To be honest, Kim, I've never been sexually active," I replied. In reality, I had no idea if this body had ever experienced intercourse, but I personally had never been sexually active in this body. I was growing more and more curious everyday about my sexuality. The thoughts I used to have about girls were now being replaced with very similar thoughts of guys.
I bumped into Stephanie on my way to the bathroom, and she asked me if I was okay. I nodded and told her I wanted to get an early rise. Upon reaching the showers, I quickly disrobed and stepped into the hot water. I washed myself from neck to toe, and then washed my hair. After finishing my refreshing shower, I opened the shower curtain to find Kim sitting on a bench by the door.
"Just thought you'd want to know, I already changed your sheets for you," she said.
"Aw... you didn't have to Kim. You should've let me clean up my own mess," I said.
"It was nothing," she stated. "Besides, what are best friends for? I also got you some clean clothes." She handed me a small pile of clothes. I dried myself off and began getting dressed. After putting on my bra and panties, I noticed that she had brought me a gypsy skirt and loose fitting top. After dressing, I walked over to the locker to which I had been assigned and pulled out my hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant. I set these items down on one of the sinks and went to check out a hairdryer from Stephanie. In the bathroom, I dried my hair, and put my pulled it back into a ponytail with a scrunchie. After using them, I put all of my toiletries back into my locker and walked out into the living room. Kim was sitting on the couch, drinking a large glass of chocolate milk. I walked into the kitchen and made myself my own glass of chocolate milk. I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch next to Kim. Since it wasn't even 8:00 yet, all the other girls were still sleeping in their rooms.
At 8:00, a tall middle-aged man came in through the front door. As he walked through the living room, he turned and asked Kim who her new friend was.
"This is Amber," she replied. "She came in late Friday night."
"Oh, well nice to meat you, Amber," the man said. "My name is Dave, but most of the girls here refer to me as 'Papa Dave'. You're more than welcome to call me that too, if you'd like."
"Thanks," I said.
"I'm going to go relieve Stephanie, girls. I'll be back in ten minutes or so," he said. "If you girls want to go ahead and do your morning chores now, I've got a surprise for you when I come back.
While Kim and I did our morning chores, which consisted of gathering the laundry from the hampers and placing it in a large bag for the staff to take to the laundry room, Kim asked me if I was a religious person. When I asked her what made her ask, she told me that there was a chaplain who came and did Christian services on Sunday mornings. I told her that I hadn't been to church since I was younger, and wasn't sure if I still had faith in God. She told me that she had been baptized catholic when she was a baby, but had rarely gone to mass after she entered high school. A few minutes later, Papa Dave walked back into the living room and told us that the staff had a surprise for all the blue and green level girls.
"Don't say anything yet, girls, but all the kids on blue and green are going to Disneyland today!"
Kim and I looked at each other and started getting excited. I hadn't been to Disneyland in a few years, and Kim had said that she had never been there before. I told her that she was going to have so much fun. As 8:00 came around, all the other girls in the cottage began to wake up and join us in the living room. Since Kim and I had already done our chores, we watched some TV while the other girls got ready for the day and did their chores.
At 10:00, all the girls who were on blue or green levels lined up at the door, and then made our way onto to the school buses that would take us to Disneyland. After the staff had done a head count of the 80 or so kids who had been allowed to go, we got onto the buses and began the drive to 'The Happiest Place On Earth'. I explained to Kim that at one point I had lived only a few blocks from Disneyland and could see the fireworks show Disney put on every summer evening from our front porch. What I didn't mention was that I was a guy at the time, and had sat almost every night watching the fireworks with a girl I had a crush on. After we arrived at Disneyland and had gotten off the buses, we were assigned a chaperone along with 3 other girls. Kim and I introduced ourselves to the volunteer chaperone, and she told us her name was Maggie. The other three girls who were assigned to Maggie were sisters named Jan, Marcia, and Cindy. After nearly falling over in a fit of laughter, I apologized and begged their forgiveness. Marcia looked slightly irritated, while Jan told me not to worry about it. She told us their mother was a huge Brady Bunch fanatic, and had sworn that she would name her daughters after Brady Bunch characters.
After we got to know a little bit about each other, we collectively decided to start walking around the Emporium Shops on Main Street. Each girl that had been allowed to make the trip to Disneyland was given a $20 bill for food and souvenirs. We were also given special passes that gave us discounts at all the stores and restaurants. While walking through a watch shop, I decided to buy a Minnie Mouse wristwatch. I had grown up being a big fan of Disney, but I never imagined myself wearing anything with Minnie Mouse on it. After paying the clerk $10 for a $30 watch, we left the Main Street area and headed for Tomorrow Land. As we walked through the entrance to Tomorrow Land, I thought about how my life had been when I was a guy. I was lonely. I didn't have many friends. I stayed in my room and played video games or watched TV when I wasn't with the few friends I had. As Amber, I was almost always happy.
We lined up for my favorite ride, Star Tours, and I told Kim that if she even remotely liked Star Wars, she was going to love this ride. After we experienced the thrilling ride, we proceeded to continue through the park, only staying off the rides just long enough to eat lunch at the Hungry Bear Restaurant. As the day continued on, I thought less and less about my unhappy life as Darrell, and more about the fresh start I had been given. I never knew I could be so happy. As nightfall approached, we made our way back to Main Street. Before each group had gone their separate ways, we were told that we needed to meet near the main gate by 8:00. After all groups had arrived, we made our way back to the busses, and from there, back to Orangewood.
The next day was Monday, and therefore, my first day of school in Orangewood. The teacher was very nice, and the lessons weren't hard at all. Before the change, I did very well on tests, but usually got bad grades because I didn't turn in the assigned homework. At one point, Kim even had to ask me for help on some of the math sheets we had been assigned. I noticed that I was able to concentrate more on my work than when I was a guy. I wondered if that had anything to do with being a girl.
As the next week and a half went by, I hadn't thought much about my old life. I was beginning to become content with living the rest of my life as Amber. One day, after we were dismissed from class at 2:30, Kim and I made our way back to the cottage to watch TV after quickly doing our afternoon chores. While we were watching some ridiculous talk show, Papa Dave came up to me and told me I had received a letter. My heart began to beat fast. If I didn't have any family left, who would be sending me a letter? I got up from the couch and followed Dave to the staff desk, where he handed me the letter. I looked at the return address and was surprised to find that I recognized the address. I opened the envelope to find a letter written by an old girlfriend of mine, or rather, an old girlfriend of Darrell.
Dear Amber,
We heard about what happened to your family. We're truly very sorry. When I saw your house on the news, I had feared the worst. After the fire department finished cleaning up the mess, I went and laid flowers on your front yard. While I was standing there, a neighbor of yours came up and told me you weren't home when the accident happened. After finding out you were still alive, we asked our mom to find out where you were. That's how you're reading this letter right now. I hope that wherever you are, you're doing well. I hope to be able to see you sometime soon. If you'd like, you can give me a call anytime after school. I'll be there if you need me. Your friend,
Serena
After reading that letter, I was in tears. Serena and I had broken up a year earlier, and against the wishes of her mother, had remained great friends. I was glad that, in this reality, Serena and I had been good friends as well. Since I couldn't use a telephone, I walked back to my room and wrote a reply to send to Serena. After finishing my letter, I rejoined Kim in the living room before heading off to the cafeteria for dinner. When we returned, we completed our evening chores, and took our showers before watching Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. After the shows were over, we went to bed.
As I laid in bed, I thought about everything that had happened in the last two weeks that changed my life forever. I knew that, whatever the reason for this mysterious switch, I was a happy teenage girl. I didn't want to go back to being a lonely and miserable guy. I was ready to face whatever came my way.
This is a very short entry. I have wanted to work on this story for sometime, but life has a penchant for getting in the way. Now that I'm ready to work on this story again, I wanted to post this chapter and get a feel from the readers if I'm going in the right direction before I start writing more chapters. One of two things can happen. I can continue in this direction and expand on Amber's connection to the still nameless Society and why she's so important to them, or I can make it to where Amber will never have gotten the letter, and she would be in the dark about her true purpose and the events that led her to becoming a 17 year old girl.
"That's How the System Works" - Interlude
By: Danielle Rose (Danileigh79)
It had been nearly two months since I had woken up in the body of a seventeen-year-old teenage girl. My name is Amber, but I was born a healthy baby boy named Darrell. After being taken from my grandfather’s home, I was due to be taken from the Fullerton Police Department to Orangewood Children’s Home when I had fallen asleep in the Police Precinct’s waiting room. After waking, I found myself in what I could only describe as an alternate universe, where my entire family had tragically been killed when an airplane crashed into our neighborhood. The Amber of this universe had been spending the night with friends at a slumber party. I spent the next month learning the necessities of being female, and dealing with the sudden loss of every single member of my family. I had spent the better part of the last two weeks corresponding back and forth with Serena. Serena was an ex-girlfriend of Darrell’s, and apparently a great friend of Amber’s. I had learned a great deal about Amber’s life prior to me finding myself in her body.
From what I learned from Serena, my entire family was staying at my parent’s house while waiting to go on a family trip. Also, my family was much smaller since I no longer had any stepfamily. My parents had divorced when I was a boy, but seemed to have stayed together in my new life. That being the case, I now had siblings I knew nothing about. I was drastically happier as a girl than I had ever been as a guy. As Darrell, I had been a troublemaker and was often the center of negative attention with my family. But as Amber, I was also dealing with the loss of an entire family. This caused emotional breakdowns, and frequent crying fits on the shoulder of my new best friend, Kim.
I still wondered from time to time how I ended up in this situation. My thoughts kept going back to that one police officer that asked me if I was telling the truth about my grandfather. He really creeped me out with how he kept staring at me after I lied to him. I never believed in magic or anything of that sort, but that is the only explanation I have been able to come up with. Boys don’t just spontaneously turn into girls! Well, that’s what I thought before all this had started.
It was Sunday night, and Kim and I were just getting ready for bed when Stephanie came into our room.
“Hey, girls. I just wanted to let you know that some representatives from different group homes are going to be here tomorrow after school, so try and look your best.”
“No problem, but I don’t think they’d want us,” replied Kim sarcastically. “They couldn’t handle all the trouble we’d give them.”
“I don’t know if I want to leave here,” I stated. “I’ve gotten used to how things are run here.”
“I know, Amber, but you can’t really stay here forever. Besides, at group homes, you don’t have to be confined within brick walls all day. You can get back out into the real world,” replied Stephanie.
“I know, but I just feel secure here. I’m kind of afraid to go out into the world and face real people again. I won’t have anybody to lean on once I’m outside of those walls.”
“Well, thanks,” Kim blurted out in a sarcastic tone. “I guess from now on everybody can start calling me nobody.”
“I didn’t mean you, Kimmy. I’m sorry. Of course I know you’ll be there for me if I need you.”
“Darn skippy. I can see it now. We go to college together. We get married together. We grow old together. My God, It’ll be beautiful. They’d have to stick dynamite between us to separate us,” joked Kim.
“Okay, girls, finish laughing it up, and then get to bed,” commanded Stephanie. “Miss Camacho is starting to complain that I let you two girls get away with too much.”
“Of course you let us get away with a lot,” said Kim. “We’re your favorites.”
“I can’t have favorites, because girls like Juanita Camacho and her friends will think they’re being treated unfairly, and that could cost me my job.”
“Alright, you win,” I said. ”We’ll go to bed.”
“Thank you girls. Oh, Amber, a police officer dropped this off for you.” Stephanie pulled out an envelope from her back pocket. “He said it was for your eyes only, and since it came from a cop, I didn’t read it.”
Confused, I took the envelope from Stephanie and examined it. “I wonder what it could be,” I said.
After Stephanie left, I quickly tore open the envelope and saw a letter inside. I laid down on my bed and began reading the letter.
******
Dear Amber,
I thought I’d drop you a line to see how you were doing. My name is David. I know the officer that took you to Orangewood that night two months ago and asked him to drop this letter off to you. Let me begin by saying that I am aware of your "transformation" and it was not planned. Your real family aren't dead. I guess you could say that they were never here. You also weren't meant to keep the memories you have of Darrell's life. Someone or something changed that. There are other people who have gone through a similar experience. We know you have many questions, but please be patient. We hope all will be answered in time. Meanwhile, I am aware of your desire to remain in Orangewood. You are still confused about what happened and you think that if you leave, you will be alone. This is not true. I implore you to live this life as you would have had you remained as Darrell. There are many out there who will help you. I can’t go into details yet, but you are special. Trust Kim, she will never steer you wrong. I look forward to the day we meet.
David
******
I placed the letter back in its envelope, and set it down on my nightstand. I looked over at Kimmy and saw she was already asleep. I suddenly started crying, overwhelmed by everything I had just learned.
My mouth dropped wide open. “You know about me?”
“Yes, Amber. Officer Samuels came to the cottage and told me while you were getting your medical exam. Like David told you in the letter, we didn’t expect you to be here. Or that you would become trapped in Amber’s body. I can’t go into many details, but I was placed here to help those who were somehow left behind. Not all the girls who come through here are like you, but there have been a few.”
That’s How the System Works — Part Two
By: Danielle Rose
Chapter 4
I woke up before Kim on Monday morning. Looking at my nightstand, I saw the letter I had received the night before. I decided to put it somewhere I didn’t want anyone finding it, so I put it in my nightstand under my bras and underwear. After showering, I returned to our room to find Kim was now awake. We began getting ready for school in silence. I was sure Kim felt something was wrong, but she didn’t say anything. After eating breakfast at the cafeteria, we made our way to class. Despite the silence, Kim never left my side. I couldn’t thank her enough for being there. During class, I was able to focus all my attention and continued my work as if nothing had happened, but during breaks and lunch, I couldn’t stop thinking about the letter. This David person knew about my transformation.
Shortly after school let out for the day, Kim and I were on our way back to the cottage when we were stopped by Stephanie.
“Hey girls, how are you today?”
“We’re doing okay,” began Kim. “But what are you doing here?”
“Actually, I came to talk to one of the group home representatives on your behalf. I know him from my own time spent in the system. His name is Steve, and he’s a good guy.”
“So, we’ll find out if we’re getting placed today?” I asked.
“I’d say that’s a good possibility,” said Stephanie, with a smile.
I turned and looked at Kim. “I hope we get placed together. I couldn‘t imagine not being together.”
“That’s actually something else I wanted to talk to the two of you about,” said Stephanie. “I made sure Steve knew to take both of you together. I explained to him how Kim has been helping you since you came into Orangewood. I told him that I didn’t think it’d be fair if we had to separate you. After hearing everything the two of you have been through, he agreed.”
For the first time that day, I was actually filled with joy. Kim and I would get placed together! “Thank you so much, Steph!” I exclaimed. “When do we leave?”
“Now hold your horses, you still have to meet with Steve. He’s in the front office. He’s going to make you an offer to get placed in Olive Crest, but the paperwork will have to be sent to the court first, and then have a judge sign off on it. Once that’s done, then you’ll legally be transferred into the custody of Olive Crest. It could take quite a few days, depending on the judge’s caseload.”
“So we’ll have time to pack and say goodbye to everyone,” piped in Kim. ”Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening! I thought the only way I’d leave this place was if I got adopted or I turned eighteen!”
“I’m still scared about leaving,” I said. “I mean, I want to be out there, but I’m also afraid of what’s waiting out there for us.”
“I’ll be there with you,” Kim said as she pulled me into a hug. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Don’t worry girls, you aren’t required to accept Steve’s offer. But I do think it would be the best thing for you two right now.”
“Wait a minute,” began Kim. “Doesn’t he have to interview all the kids before he makes a decision and offers the spots to us?”
“Well, that’s kind of my doing. I didn’t think it would be fair to keep the two of you lovely young ladies locked up in here,” said a gentleman, as he walked up behind Stephanie, “Besides, Stephanie put in a good word for you two. Sorry for butting in. My name is Steve Goclowski. I’m the case manager for Palm House in Olive Crest.” After shaking both of our hands, he turned to Stephanie. “Brenda said you were bringing these two up to the office. When you didn't come back, I came down to make sure everything was alright.”
“Yeah, I was just explaining to them about me knowing you, how the system works in getting them placed, and the fact that we wouldn't let them get placed separately,” replied Stephanie.
“Well girls, if you follow me, we can go over the details, and start getting things going,” said Steve.
After walking into the main office through those big double doors, Steve escorted us to a small side office. We sat down in the two chairs closest to the door, while Steve sat opposite us in a bigger chair behind a desk.
“So, how about you two tell me a little bit about yourselves before I go into what Olive Crest is all about. Let’s start with you, Kim.”
“Um, well, you know my name, I’m seventeen, but I’m pretty sure you probably knew that already too. I came here because my grandmother got sick and had to be hospitalized, then got put into an assisted living facility. Since I had no other family after my parents got killed a little over four years ago, I didn’t have any other place to go. I was only supposed to stay here just until my grandmother got better, but then she died.”
I looked over at Kim and could see she was about to cry. I leaned over and gave her a light hug around her shoulders.
“Thanks, Amber. Anyway, what else would you like to know?”
“Actually, I’m sorry, but I knew all of that. I meant, tell me some of your likes, aspirations, and so forth,” replied Steve.
“Oh,” said Kim, sheepishly. “I love to read. I’m kind of a horror and sci-fi novel junkie. I love music, mostly punk and alternative rock. I don’t usually watch a lot of TV, but I’m a fan of Jeopardy. I’ve usually done really well in school, except right after my parents died. And I’m not sure what I want to study in college yet, but I know that I do want to go.”
“What about you, Amber?” asked Steve, as he shifted his gaze to me.
“Pretty much everything that Kim said applies to me too, except I wasn’t particularly good at school.”
“Huh, that’s not what your file says,” stated Steve as he began flipping through pages in a file folder. “Look at this here; it says you were a straight-A student practically every year. It also says you were student of the month ten times in elementary, six times in junior high, and eight times so far in high school.”
I looked at the file as he turned it around to show me. Was I really that much better of a student than Darrell? Kim looked at me with shock in her eyes.
“I knew you were good, but damn girl! I didn’t even make student of the month that many times!”
As I glanced over the file, I saw handwritten notes scribbled neatly next to the typed report. From what I could see, Steve had interviewed at least a half dozen people about me. I saw the name of a math teacher I had as Darrell, Mrs. Ash. She was always a bit hard on me as Darrell, constantly complaining that I had the smarts, but didn’t use them to my full potential in my class work. Apparently in this reality, Amber was her prized student. Mrs. Ash had told Steve that I was the most gifted student she had ever had. I also saw notes from interviews with the high school principal, neighbors, former classmates, and even the parents of a child I had babysat for in this reality, all claiming I was a brilliant, outgoing, and caring seventeen year old girl. I also saw in these notes that I was in the Girl Scouts when I was younger. After I stared at the notes for several moments, Steve cleared his throat, which caught my attention.
“So, let me tell you two a little bit about what I do, the houses, and Olive Crest in particular,” began Steve. “I’ve been a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, LCSW for short, for about ten years. Seven of those have been with Olive Crest. Basically, I administrate Palm House. The staff report to me directly. I’m also in charge of your mental health. We will have weekly sessions, just to make sure things are going well, and you can tell me anything you want.”
Steve paused to drink from a water bottle before continuing. “There are going to be four other girls in the house. It’s a four bedroom house in the City of Orange, with one of the bedrooms converted into the staff office. There are two girls per bedroom, so we’ll shuffle the room assignments around so you two will be in the same room. Palm House actually has three openings right now. We just acquired two more houses in Olive Crest, and three of my girls were transferred to the new houses. Officially, Olive Crest started as a home for abused and neglected girls, but we've expanded over the years to include both genders, and children who don’t have a home to go to due to extreme circumstances, such as not having a single living relative to take care of you.”
After Steve finished describing Olive Crest and the house we’d be living in, he went ahead and made us his official offer to bring us into Palm House. Of course, we accepted. Steve neatly placed all of the paperwork into a briefcase, and then told us he’d be back later in the week. As we walked back to our cottage, we spotted Juanita Camacho being escorted by Carlos to the front office. I looked at Kim, who shrugged her shoulders.
Upon reaching the cottage, we stepped inside and were immediately greeted by thunderous applause from the staff and majority of the girls.
Papa Dave came over to us and put a hand each on our shoulders. “Stephanie told us you were getting placed. Congratulations! Now you can get back in the real world and not be confined by the brick walls here.”
“Thanks Papa Dave,” said Kim.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said, not very enthusiastically.
“What’s wrong, Amber?” asked Papa Dave.
“I’m just really scared about leaving. I mean, my whole world was flipped upside down the night I got here. I accepted the offer to leave, but it’s just a scary thought knowing I’ll be much more vulnerable.”
“That’s understandable, and I totally get where you’re coming from. I was in foster homes too when I was younger. I was taken away because my father had a drug problem. Orangewood isn’t a place that can prepare you for becoming an adult. Olive Crest can help you learn the things you’ll need once you are ready to go to college. They can also help you find jobs, and teach you things like time and money management.”
“And we’ll be together, we can help each other out!” said Kim.
“Thanks Kimmy,” I replied. Turning back to Papa Dave, I sighed. “Since you put it that way, I guess it will be better in the long run if we leave. But I’m going to miss you all so much.”
“And all of us will miss the both of you too. You girls have been a big help around here,” called Jen from the kitchen.
“Well, it’s a little after five, why don’t you two go let the others know it’s just about time to go to the cafeteria,” said Papa Dave.
I looked at my Minnie Mouse watch and saw that a little over two hours had indeed passed since meeting up with Stephanie outside the of school.
“Okie dokie,” Kim and I both replied, nearly in unison.
Chapter 5
“Ugh, please tell me we’re not having meatloaf again!”
I stood on my tiptoes and looked ahead to the food serving area. “Yup, that’s what it looks like,” I responded. “Oh no, it looks like they’re serving Potatoes Au Gratin with it too.”
“Well, hopefully there will be a much better menu at Palm House.”
I giggled a little as I lowered myself back to my normal height. “Anything is better than last Friday’s Tuna Surprise.”
“I heard that, Amber,” stated Louise, one of the serving ladies.
“Hey Louise, you don’t by chance have something I can substitute for the “Ugh Rotten” potatoes, do you?” I asked.
Louise chuckled, “Hang on, Sweetie. I’ll check in the back.”
A few moments later, Louise returned with a covered Tupperware. “How about some left over tater tots from the preschoolers’ lunch?”
“That’s great,” I replied enthusiastically.
“You want some too, Kimmy?”
“Please, and thank you!”
“I heard you two will be leaving us soon,” said Louise. “I hope you girls do good out there, and make us all proud! We’ll miss you.”
“Aw, thanks Louise. We’ll miss you too,” I said.
As we walked away from the serving line, I saw Juanita Camacho being led into the cafeteria by Carlos. I lightly elbowed Kim, and nodded my head towards the serving line where Juanita now was.
“I was wondering where she went,” whispered Kim.
“Me too, maybe she had an interview today too.”
“Maybe, but she sure doesn’t look happy. I wonder if she got rejected.”
We continued whispering about Juanita as we sat at a table. We didn’t even hear Carlos walk up behind us. “Hello, ladies. I hope you’re not gossiping about a certain Latina girl from our cottage. You know badmouthing another kid can get you put on basic for up to a week.”
Kim and I blushed simultaneously. This was the first time we’d ever been threatened with being put on a lower level. “We were just curious about where Juanita went off to,” I said.
“Not that it’s really your business, but she had an interview with one of the group home representatives.”
“Oh, we did too.”
“I know, I was going to take you to the office, but Stephanie volunteered.” Carlos sounded a bit apologetic as he lowered his voice and continued. “I’m sorry for threatening you girls with basic; it’s been a very long day today.”
“We understand,” said Kim. “We’re sorry if you thought we were badmouthing someone.”
“It’s alright girls, I’ll see you both back at the cottage.”
After Carlos walked away, I looked over at Kim. We stared at each other for a moment, then shrugged our shoulders and began eating dinner.
******
After dinner, we all made our way back to the cottage. Upon entering, we found several uncovered cardboard boxes placed along the wall where the computers were. Each box had a variety of items in them, ranging from clothes and sheets, to books and notepads. In front of each box was a small black plastic bag. On top of each box was a plain piece of paper. As Papa Dave walked past the boxes, one of the sheets of paper fluttered in the breeze, and I could just make out Kim’s name on it. When everyone had finally piled into the cottage’s living room, Carlos asked us to sit down.
“Listen up, ladies. The preteen girls’ cottage had a little mishap this evening. A pipe burst in their bathroom. There is going to be a crew out here to fix it tomorrow or the next day. In the mean time, half of the girls will be staying with us, while the other half gets to stay with the kindergarten girls.”
Papa Dave whispered something to Carlos, who nodded and smiled.
“We are moving everyone around so that you older girls will be on the west side of the cottage, and all the younger girls will be on the east side! Everyone’s stuff has already been boxed up, and as you can see, it’s right there along the wall. Don’t worry ladies, Dave and I didn’t touch your bras and underwear, we let Jen pack that stuff up.”
A few girls giggled, while others laughed out loud. “Kim and Amber, we know how you two love your quiet little corner over there in the east hall, but we’re moving you to the blue room,” continued Carlos. “We hope it isn’t too much of an inconvenience for you,” he said sarcastically. The blue room was actually the room that everyone sought. It was associated with the recognition that its occupants were the two girls that were on the blue level the longest. The blue room had its own 19 inch TV, a couple different video game systems, and a small stereo. Kim and I squealed as we hugged each other tight.
“For everyone else, as we call your names, you will grab your boxes and go down the hall to the next room. Now just in case any of you think you can get away with going into a different room, there is a piece of paper with your names on the doors of you new rooms. We didn't change anyone’s roommates, so you’re all still stuck with the same person for now. If any of you decide you want to change rooms, and can find someone willing to swap rooms with you, we will do that later.”
Carlos began calling names out, starting with Kim and I. We grabbed our boxes and bags, and made our way to the blue room. It was the first room in the right hallway after the staff desk in the connecting hallway.
After we got in the room, we looked around for few moments before we grabbed each other into a hug and squealed while bouncing up and down.
I’ve been here for four months, you’ve been here for two months, and we’ve both been on blue the whole time. I can’t believe we’re finally in the blue room!” said Kim.
“I know!” I squealed.
While we were unpacking our things, I noticed the letter was missing. I started to go into a panic.
Um, Kim, they didn't accidentally put that letter I got last night in with your things, did they?”
“No, I don’t think so, but I’ll look again.”
I started flinging clothes out of my drawers, then I started flipping pages inn my books. I looked around frantically. I even looked under the flaps on the bottom inside of the box.
Kim looked over at me and shook her head. “Sorry girly, I’m not seeing it.”
I started freaking out. “This is not good,” I said.
“You never told me who it was from.”
“Um, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Amber, we’re best friends, right?” asked Kim
I nodded. “You know we are.”
“You can tell me anything.”
I looked around the room and sat down on my bed. “Look, I don’t want you thinking I’m a crazy person if I tell you.”
“Honey, we’re both a little crazy already,” she replied with a giggle.
“Alright, well, here goes. It’s a long story though.” I looked over at Kim, who was still intent on hearing this. I sighed. “It kind of started the night I got here. You see, I was in a police station, and I met this police officer. He’s the one who brought me here. Anyway, the letter is from someone…” Just then, someone knocked on the door.
“Come in,” I called out.
Stephanie poked her head in. “Hope I’m not bothering you two.”
“No, not really,” Kim said. “We’re just getting settled in.”
“That’s good. Amber, can I talk to you outside, please?”
“Sure.” I got up off my bed and followed Stephanie to the living room. I noticed all the other girls’ boxes were gone, but now there were different boxes by the couches. I followed Stephanie past the couches and onto the patio. When we reached the patio, Stephanie opened the door and motioned for me to go outside. She had a very serious look on her face as she closed the patio door behind her.
“Amber, I work with David and Officer Samuels.”
My mouth dropped wide open. “You know about me?”
“Yes, Amber. Officer Samuels came to the cottage and told me while you were getting your medical exam. I can’t go into many details, but I was placed here to help those that kept their previous memories. Most of the girls who come through here are regular everyday girls, but there have been a others that, like you, have memories of a different life. I'll admit though, there haven't been many that have changed genders, but there's been a few.”
I sat down on one of the plastic patio chairs. “You’ve known this whole time, and you never told me?”
“It wasn't my place to tell you. David likes to keep things compartmentalized. But when Jen was packing up your nightstand, she found this.” Stephanie reached into her back pocket and pulled out the letter. “She asked me about it, and I told her it was a probably just a joke or something between friends. Since there wasn't a postmark or return address, she accepted my explanation. I was hoping to put the letter back without you noticing. Most people wind up never knowing about us, never knowing anything has changed. You need to keep a better eye on things like this.” She handed me the letter, but didn’t let go. “Unless you want me to hang on to it so this doesn’t happen again?”
I let go of the letter. “Maybe that would be best.”
“Listen, I understand what you’re going through. Not only did you change genders, but you remember being a boy. That has to be hard for you to deal with. I have memories of a different life too. That's why I'm here to help you get through this.” Stephanie sat down in the chair next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “And just because you used to be someone else, that doesn’t mean you can’t be Amber. If we can fix things, we will. But you need to be patient and stay strong. I’ve seen you change a lot since that first night you got here. I’ve seen you grow into a confident young lady. You do things naturally now that identify you as a girl.”
I sat there and thought about it. Stephanie was right. “Thanks, Steph.”
“Anytime, kiddo. Listen, we’d better get inside before they send out a search party.”
“Before we go in, would it be alright if I gave you a hug?”
“Of course you can, kiddo. And I know how much Kimmy loves hugs. Why don’t you give her one when we get inside,” replied Stephanie. “She may not know what it’s for, but she’ll always hug you back.”
“What I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room,” I said.
“You have my word,” replied Kim.
“I’m not sure how it happened. One night, I’m sitting in a police station after being taken from my grandfather’s house by the police, and the next thing I know, I’m not who I used to be,” I said.
"What do you mean by not who you used to be?"
"I haven't always been Amber. That night I came to Orangewood was my first night being Amber," I said.
"Who were you before?"
"I was somebody else. Somebody who didn't know the first thing about being a girl."
“If you’re going to sit there and tell me you used to be a boy, I’m going to hurl this book at you.” Kim said, with a look of amusement while picking up the novel I had been reading.
Pulling my knees up to my chest and putting my arms up in a defensive posture, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tight. “I used to be a boy.”
Chapter 6
The next few days dragged by. On Thursday, Steve dropped by before school to let Kim and I know that the judge still hadn't signed off on our paperwork. Despite my previous misgivings about leaving, I was beginning to get impatient. I had started to daydream about things like high school, boys, college, college boys, and just the future in general. After returning to the cottage following school that day, Kim and I retreated to our room to play Super Mario World.
“Amber?”
“Huh? I’m sorry, did you say something?”
I looked over at Kim sitting on her bed, and noticed she had a smile on her lips.
“First, it’s your turn,” she said, pointing to the television screen. “Second, I asked you if you had any plans on seeing anybody after we leave,” said Kim.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was daydreaming a little.”
“I could tell. You must have been thinking about something nice from that goofy smile on your face. Or should I say someone?”
I picked up my pillow and lightly threw it in the general direction of Kim. “Oh shut up!” I yelled while laughing.
After she threw my pillow back at me, I noticed a serious look come over Kim’s face. “You never did finish telling me who sent you that letter.” I was afraid this would happen.
After returning to our room on Monday night, I found Kim very ensconced in playing Super Metroid on the Super Nintendo. After going to the bathroom and changing into my pajamas, I returned to the room to find Kim’s eyes still glued to the TV screen. She tended to get that way when playing video games. Picking up my book from my nightstand, I began to read several more pages of the new Michael Crichton novel that I had picked out at the library. I guess I must have fallen asleep while reading, because the next thing I knew, it was 6am and Kim was nowhere to be found. The next couple days passed without so much as mention of the letter. I knew it was too good to last.
Looking around the room for an excuse not to come clean to Kim, I took off my glasses, cleaning them with my t-shirt. After rubbing the bridge of my nose, I put my glasses back on and turned off the video game before sitting down on my bed. “Are you sure you want to hear this?” I asked.
“I've been wanting to know what was in that letter ever since you got it.”
I looked at my watch and saw it was a few minutes after 5pm. “Why don’t we wait a little bit. They’re going to call us for the dinner line in a few minutes, and I won’t have enough time to explain before then.”
Kim grabbed my wrist and bent my arm to get a good look at my watch. Confirming the time, she gave me a pouty face and let go of my wrist. “Fine, but before lights out tonight, I want to know the truth. No matter what you tell me, it won’t change our friendship.”
******
Being it was Thursday, they were serving Salisbury steak for dinner. Not one of my favorites, but it was definitely better than the meatloaf or tuna surprise. I picked through my meal, not really hungry. I was thinking about how I could tell Kim my secret without her freaking out on me. After dinner, we returned to the cottage and completed our chores before returning to our room.
Sitting down on my bed, Kim sat down next to me and wrapped me in a hug. “Amber, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Believe me, I've heard and seen a lot of wild things in my short life. I’m open-minded and I don’t really judge or jump to conclusions.”
I let Kim hug me for a few moments more before I let her go and scooted myself back to the corner of the wall.
“What I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room,” I said.
“You have my word,” replied Kim.
“I’m not sure how it happened. One night, I’m sitting in a police station after being taken from my grandfather’s house by the police, and the next thing I know, I’m not who I used to be,” I said.
"What do you mean by not who you used to be?"
"I haven't always been Amber. That night I came to Orangewood was my first night being Amber," I said.
"Who were you before?"
"I was somebody else. Somebody who didn't know the first thing about being a girl."
“If you’re going to sit there and tell me you used to be a boy, I’m going to hurl this book at you.” Kim said, with a look of amusement while picking up the novel I had been reading.
Pulling my knees up to my chest and putting my arms up in a defensive posture, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tight. “I used to be a boy.”
Several seconds passed without so much as a sound, let alone getting a book thrown at me. I opened one eye to see Kim sitting there on my bed, book still in hand, with a very bewildered look on her face, her mouth agape. Opening my other eye, I lowered my arms. Several more seconds passed, and suddenly the book fell from Kim’s grasp.
“I… um… I,” stammered Kim. She appeared to be completely frozen in place. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I started to see a muscle in her neck twitch. Lowering her arm, she closed her mouth. And then she began to cry. I reached over to try and hug her, but she instead pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her knees, and began rocking back and forth.
I leaned over and put my arm around her shoulders. “Kim, I’m so sorry I haven’t told you until now. I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Hell, I didn’t think what happened to me was even possible until it did happen.”
Kim looked up, tears still falling down her cheeks. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I could tell the friendship hadn’t ended. “Amber, I think we’ve got more in common than anyone else would ever believe,” she stated. I jerked upright and turned Kim so I could face her.
“What?” I asked rather loudly.
“Four months ago, while I was being escorted here after my grandmother was hospitalized, I fell asleep in the back of the social worker's car. When I woke up, I wasn’t who I used to be either.”
My mouth dropped open, and I started to feel tears welling up inside me.
“Kim,” I began, “Are you trying to tell me you were a boy too?”
Kim nodded. “I mean, after waking up, everything was the way I remembered it, but nobody knew who Kevin was anymore, they only remembered Kim. I called my grandmother a few times after I got here, and she always referred to me as Kim her granddaughter, not Kevin her grandson.” Kim sniffled.
“Did anything else change?” I asked.
“Besides me being a girl? No, nothing I can think of. Why?”
“When I got here, people kept telling me that my whole family was killed in an accident,” I said. “I thought that was impossible, considering I had loads of family all over the place. Then I got a letter from Serena, and I also found out that my parents had never divorced, resulting in me not having any step-family. No step-family meant my actual family was much smaller than before, by at least fifty people.”
“What are you getting at?” Kim asked.
“I later learned that my family didn’t die. The letter told me they were never here.”
“From someone named David?” she asked.
A little surprised that she knew his name, I nodded. “In it, I learned that I wasn't supposed to have memories of Darrell.”
“Who’s Darrell?” Kim asked.
“Oh, that’s right, I hadn’t told you what my name used to be,” I said. “Darrell; I was named after my father,” I cracked my knuckles. “But, I was not a junior!” I said in a defiant voice. I looked at my watch. It was almost 7:30. “Stephanie has the letter. Jen found it while packing up my things. I told Steph to hang on to it for safe keeping.”
“Oh. Well, I got a letter too. Mine said that I was an orphan, and that they would send me back if they could. It also told me that I could do good things in this reality. I was told that I would meet people who would need my help. Not that I needed much encouragement, but it was Stephanie who asked me to help you. She said you had been though a rough transition, and you would seem as if you didn't know the first thing about being a girl. In hindsight, I should have put two and two together.”
“Don’t feel bad. To be honest, I never would have guessed about you,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders again. “And I am very thankful for the help that you have given me.”
“It wasn’t a big deal,” Kim said. “Most of my friends were girls, so I already knew a lot before I came here. And my first roommate helped me a lot too. My first period really freaked me out, though. But I got through it. I’m glad it happened in the middle of the night when Stephanie was here, you know?. When did she tell you that she knew your secret?”
“On Monday night, right after she asked to talk to me outside.”
“Oh wow. She told me when I was only about three days in,” Kim said.
Kim got up and stripped off her t-shirt and bra, soon followed by her shorts. This was the first time Kim had ever changed in front of me. Pulling on her pajamas, she laid back down on my bed, curling her legs into a near fetal position. “Amber?”
“I swear, I wasn't staring,” I said.
“No, it’s not that. I just wanted to say that with everything we've been through, apart and together, I don't think we're just best friends. We’re sisters. I never want us to stop being there for each other.”
“I wholeheartedly agree,” I said.
Chapter 7
On Friday morning, while Kim and I were getting ready for school, someone knocked on our door. I looked at Kim to make sure she was dressed before allowing anyone to enter.
“Come in,” I called out.
Opening the door carefully, Stephanie poked her head in. “Just making sure you two were decent before I came in,” she said.
I giggled. "I wouldn't have said to come in if we weren't."
Opening the door fully, Stephanie came in our room and leaned against the door once it had closed. “I just wanted to tell you two that Steve came by a few minutes ago. Your paperwork went through last night. It looks like you two will be leaving this evening.”
I looked over at Kim. “And you thought we wouldn’t leave until next week,” I said.
Kim threw her hands up and let them drop dramatically. “Well, even I can be wrong sometimes.”
I turned my attention back to Stephanie. “So, were you ever going to tell me about Kim?” I asked.
Kim then started wagging a finger between her and I. “Or vice versa?” she asked.
Stephanie crossed her arms over her chest. “So, you two finally told each other. I was beginning to wonder how long it would take.” Stephanie then looked at me. “I was considering telling you about Kim on Monday night.”
“Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“Frankly, I thought you might still figure it out from the letter David sent you. He did tell you that you could trust Kim,” Stephanie said.
I stood, a blank look on my face. How could I have forgotten that the letter mentioned Kim directly? “Oh my God. I didn’t even think about it like that.”
“I also saw how well you two were bonding,” Stephanie continued. “My guess was you two would eventually tell each other. I just didn’t think it would take you this long. I was going to sit you both down later today and tell you if you hadn’t already told each other.”
“Well, “ Kim began. “We know now.”
“Indeed,” said Stephanie.
“So, what time will we get picked up tonight?” I asked.
“Probably around five or so,” replied Stephanie. “I’m not supposed to say anything, but the other girls talked the staff into throwing you a little going away party.”
“They had to talk the staff into it?” asked Kim.
“No, not really,” answered Stephanie with a little laugh. “We were already talking about it when a couple girls came up and asked us if they could throw one.”
“What time?” I asked.
“Right after school. Then you’ll need to get packed,” replied Stephanie. “But remember to act surprised.”
“We will,” Kim and I replied in unison as Stephanie left the room.
******
School seemed to drag on forever. We were obviously excited about leaving. Once school let out for the day, we said goodbye to the teacher, Mrs. Newman, while all the other girls returned to the cottage. We had been told to hang back for a few minutes and say our goodbyes to people who would not be at the cottage or office. Since Mrs. Newman left immediately following class, she wouldn’t be able to stick around for the going away party.
Arriving at the Cottage, we were welcomed by thunderous applause from the girls and staff. There were banners saying “Good luck, girls,” and balloons hanging from every possible surface. Of course, Juanita Camacho was noticeably absent. ‘She’s probably in her room pouting, not wanting to be social,’ I thought to myself.
After giving everyone a hug, Kim and I were escorted to the kitchen table. After being blindfolded, Kim and I waited in anticipation of what was coming next. I heard the front door open, and the shuffling of many more feet across the carpeted entryway. Every now and then, I could hear someone saying “shush”. I could also hear items being placed on the table in front of us.
“The staff and girls in this cottage weren’t the only ones who wanted to say good bye,” said Papa Dave.
When our blindfolds were removed, we were welcomed by the sight of nearly every other teen and pre-teen kid in Orangewood, along with many staff from various cottages. In front of us on the table were numerous greeting cards.
“And of course,” began a familiar voice. “You can’t leave without having one of my homemade chocolate cakes.”
“Louise!” I yelled.
“You two didn’t think you were going to leave without me making you a cake, did you?” Louise asked as she walked over to the table, carrying a very large chocolate cake.
Kim and I got up from our chairs and gave Louise a hug from both sides. We knew there was going to be a party, but we didn’t know so many people wanted to say goodbye to us. Plenty of other girls had left over the last 2 months without barely anything more than a mention from the staff that they were gone.
After sitting back down at the table, Kim and I both had a piece of Louise’s chocolate cake set before us on paper plates.
Once everyone had eaten a piece of cake, the kids and staff from the other cottages came over to Kim and I. We received lots of hugs and well wishes, then they started to make their way back to their own cottages.
Once everyone had left, Papa Dave told everyone that Kim and I needed to go pack our belongings. Once in our room, I began to cry.
“What’s wrong, Amber?” Asked Kim.
“When I was a guy, I never had many friends. I didn’t think I was missing out on anything special. It was just so overwhelming how many people came to say goodbye.”
“I know what you mean,” said Kim. “I didn’t have that many friends either.”
“And look at us now,” I said. “We’re popular, we’re happy, and I don’t miss being a guy at all. I’ve already started thinking that I don’t want them to find a way for us to go back.”
“I’ve felt that way since right after I first got here,” Kim said. “It didn’t hurt that I used to wish about being a girl all the time.”
“You wanted to be a girl?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Wow,” I said.
“I was seeing a therapist back then,” said Kim. “She told my parents that I might have Gender Identity Disorder.”
“How did they take it?” I asked.
“Not very well at first. Then my mom came around a little bit. We were still working on my dad when they were killed.”
“You’ve never said how your parents died.”
“Home invasion,” Kim said with a somber look. “Two guys broke into the house in the middle of the night.”
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. “And they just killed your parents?” I asked.
Kim nodded. “I wasn't home. I had gotten chickenpox earlier in the week, and neither of my parents could take any time off from work, so they had me stay at my grandmother’s house while I got better.”
“Oh Kim, I am so sorry,” I said as I wrapped my best friend in a hug. She laid her head down on my shoulder and began to cry.
******
While we were finishing saying goodbye to everyone in the cottage, Papa Dave took our bags up to the reception area, and fifteen minutes later, Kim and I were escorted by Carlos to the front office. Upon arriving at the office, we noticed there was another bag sitting next to ours. After saying our goodbyes to the office staff, we made our way to the the waiting area to wait for Steve to finish signing paperwork. A couple minutes later, I felt a presence walk up and sit in the chair behind me.
“Yo, bitches.”
“What are you doing here, Juanita?” I asked.
“Waiting for my ride,” she replied. “I’m getting placed today.”
“Where at?” asked Kim.
"Palm House, just like you.”
Kim and I exchanged nervous glances. “Wow,” I said.
“I can’t get rid of you two prissy princesses.”
“Hey girls. Ready to go?” asked Steve as he walked up behind us.
Kim and I nodded. Juanita nodded as well.
“This is sure to make for an interesting time,” said Kim as we walked to Steve’s car. All I could do was nod in agreement.
One of the girls, a Native American, walked past our room. A couple moments letter, she walked back and looked in our room.
“Hello. Who are you?” she asked. Her voice was the second voice I had heard when the girls entered the house.
I pointed at my chest. “I’m Amber. That’s Kim.”
Kimmy waved her hand. “Hi. We’re new here.”
“Yeah, I kind of figured that one out,” said the girl with a giggle. “I’m Jessica. My friends call me Jessie for short.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said. Kim simply nodded in agreement.
“Likewise,” said Jessica. “So, when did you two get here?”
That’s How the System Works — Part 4
By Danielle Rose
Chapter 8
The ride to Palm House was made in complete silence. Kim and I sat in the back seat of Steve’s old Dodge Colt, while Juanita sat in the front. About fifteen or twenty minutes later, we pulled up to a house in a decent looking neighborhood. Helping us with our bags, Steve escorted us into the house.
The first thing I noticed was, besides a payphone hanging on the dining room wall, the house looked like any other ordinary house. There was a large dining room on your left with a large window when you first walked in the house. Beyond that as you continued looking left there was a door, which presumably led to the garage. Then there was a decent sized “L” shaped kitchen that kept going beyond the dining room wall. Looking straight from the front door, you could see a living room, with a larger family room beyond that. To the right of the dining room was the hallway that led to the bedrooms and bathroom.
Steve walked into the hall, and then looked in the first bedroom on the right. Waving Kim and I over, he told us that this would be our room. After setting our bags down in the room, we went back into the hallway to see Steve looking into the second bedroom on the right before closing the door. There was a left turn by the bathroom that I hadn’t been able to see from the dining room. In this part of the hallway were two more bedroom doors. The one on the left was open, and I could see two beds, one with sheets and the other a bare mattress.
“Juanita, you’ll be in this bedroom with…” Steve began while looking around to figure out who was currently occupying the room. “Sorry, they shuffled the girls around this morning. Angelina will be your roommate.” Steve finished.
“Okay,” she said, carrying her bags and setting them on the available bed before returning to the hallway.
“Where are the other girls?” I asked
“They are at the computer lab tonight. They’ll be back about 7:30,” said Steve. “I’ll explain more about the activities in a bit.” Then he pointed to the last door at the end of the hallway. “That’s the office. Once you’re all done unpacking, I’d like you to meet me in there, please.”
“Sure thing,” Kim and I replied in unison.
Juanita simply nodded, then returned to her room. Kim and I turned back down the hall and walked into our new room. Much like our rooms in Orangewood, there were two beds on opposite walls. Instead of two nightstands, there was now only one situated between the beds under the only window in the room. This meant that we would have to share it, but there were also now two small dressers. Kim and I engaged in a quick game of rock paper scissors to determine who would get which of the two drawers in the nightstand. After Kim won and determined which drawer she wanted, I started placing my bras and underwear in the bottom drawer. Since all children were required to wear clothes provided by Orangewood while staying there, I was still unaware of the clothes that I had in my overnight bag the night I became Amber.
“Ooh, that’s cute,” Kim said as I unpacked a top from the small bag. “Where did you get it?”
“This is the first time I’m seeing any of this stuff, Kimmy,” I responded. I lowered my voice to barely above a whisper before continuing. “I didn’t even know I had any clothes the night I went into Orangewood.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” said Kim. “I at least got a quick look in my bag while I was in the social worker’s car. Apparently, there were a couple weeks worth of clothes.”
As I continued looking through the bag, I saw a white cotton bra, two tops, a pair of jeans, a pair of denim shorts, and the sports bra and pajamas I was wearing the night I arrived at Orangewood. Shaking my head, I turned and looked at Kim. “It doesn’t look like I have much,” I said. “What am I going to do with only two outfits?”
Steve knocked on the door. “Sorry for interrupting you girls. I was walking by and I overheard you. The three of you are actually going to be taken by the new house manager to Target tomorrow morning to get you some new clothes. That was something I was going to mention when you came to the office.”
******
Twenty minutes later, Juanita, Kim, and I were sitting in the office. Steve was sitting behind one of the two desks. The office was nothing more than another bedroom, albeit filled with desks and filing cabinets rather than a bed and dresser.
“Alright girls, lets get down to the nitty-gritty,” said Steve. He handed each of us a small stack of papers. “This is the client contract. Each of you will be required to sign it. It represents that you understand the rules and that you will obey them. Physical violence and mental abuse will not be tolerated. Any such occurrence can lead to expulsion from the house.”
I looked mine over. I didn’t see anything in it that I would have a problem with. Taking the pen from Steve, I signed my contract. Handing the pen to Kim, she signed hers as well. It became evident Juanita was having a hard time understanding some of the wording when she asked Steve what conspicuous meant. After receiving clarification on a few other words, Juanita signed her contract as well. After all contracts had been signed, Steve got up walked over to a file cabinet and put them away.
“You three are going to be enrolled in the local public high school. School starts on Monday,” said Steve, returning to his chair behind the desk. “Now, before we go any further, I need to admit something to you girls. I actually know about the three of you.”
Did he just say three? “Excuse me?” I asked.
“I was made aware of your circumstances by David. While I do not directly work for him or the group he works with, I have, on occasion, been asked to place others who are in a similar situation to you.” Steve looked at the clock on the wall. “The other girls are going to be back in about thirty minutes, so I wanted to get this out in the open before they do.”
“What did you mean when you said you know about the three of us?” Kim asked, apparently having the same thought as I.
Steve looked between Juanita, Kim, and I. “What I mean is I know that all three of you used to be male.”
I was floored. I looked over at Juanita. “You’re like us?” I asked.
Juanita remained quiet. After several moments, she nodded. “Yeah, I was pretty surprised to find out you were like me too.”
“How long have you known about us?” Kim asked.
“Just since this afternoon,” Juanita said.
“How did you find out?” I asked.
“Stephanie told while you were having your party,” replied Juanita. “She said you two had a lot more in common with me than I thought and that we could help each other.”
“That’s not all, girls,” interrupted Steve. “I have more to tell you. Currently, all the other girls in this house are like you too.”
“What?” Kim and I asked in unison.
Steve nodded. “This is the first time that this house is made up entirely of girls like you.”
Kim and I sat there stunned. We were going to be living with three other girls that had also once been boys.
“Angelina and Jessica came to the house six months ago, and Michelle came a little over three months ago. Prior to them, I had only known about one other in Olive Crest and that was a little over five years ago. Apparently, she was the first who experienced a transformation.”
There was a knock at the office door. Kim and I turned around to see Stephanie standing there.
“Come on in,” said Steve. “I was just telling them about you.”
Kim and I looked at each other with shocked expressions. Stephanie was like us? Kim and I both turned back to look at Stephanie.
“I wanted to tell the three of you,” she said. “I was just waiting for the right time. When Steve called this afternoon, I told him to go ahead and tell you because I knew I’d be here today to answer any questions you had.”
“Is that why you’re here?” asked Kim. “So you could answer questions? Because, you know, I have a lot of them.”
“That’s not the only reason I’m here,” Stephanie said.
Steve cleared his throat, and our attention shifted back to him. “I asked Stephanie to be the new house manager. You all are going to need more help than the regular staff can give. You three coming here just happened to coincide with my former house manager having a baby and quitting. So, I offered the position to Stephanie.”
Kim and I sat there letting it all sink in. This was definitely going to be an interesting place to live.
“The other three don’t know about you yet,” said Steve. “I’m going to sit everyone down tonight, including staff, and tell them.”
“Why don’t you three go explore the house,” Stephanie said. “Steve and I have some business to go over. We can talk later, and I can answer any questions you have.”
Chapter 9
Kim and I explored the house together, while Juanita simply returned to her room. Walking into the kitchen, I noticed there was a small bathroom on the other side of the dining room wall. Excusing myself, I quickly went in to relieve my bladder. When I came out of the bathroom, Kim was standing at the open door that led to part of the back yard.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I walked up behind her.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” replied Kim. "Just thinking."
“Come on, let’s go check out the rest of the house,” I said.
Kim and I walked to the dining room, and opened the door beside the large dining room table that led to the garage. From the doorway, we could see a washing machine and clothes dryer. Closing the door, we walked through the dinning room into the living room. In the center of the living room was a pool table. There wasn’t much else in the living room besides a couch and a small coat closet. I would find out later that evening that the closet was actually where the cleaning supplies were kept. There was a two-sided fireplace between the living room and family room. The large family room was furnished with two full sized couches and a La-Z-Boy recliner. A thirty-two inch TV sat on an entertainment center beside the fireplace. There were plants hanging from the ceiling and framed paintings hung on the red brick walls, all of which made this room feel very cozy. A large sliding glass door led out to a patio in a different part of the backyard.
Kim and I walked back to our room and sat on our beds. Lying back on my bed, I asked Kim what she thought.
“It’s not bad.” Kim said. “I could imagine being in a lot worse places.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said. “My grandfather’s house was a complete disaster. The ceiling was caving in throughout a lot of the house.”
“What do you think about everyone in this house being like us?” Kim asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I think I was more surprised to find out Stephanie used to be a boy.”
Kim and I laid there for another five minutes talking before I heard the sound of a vehicle pulling up in the driveway. A few moments later, I heard the front door open and several female voices.
“I was not!” said one of the voices.
“You were too!” said another. “You were so flirting with that new boy. What was his name?”
“Aaron Philips.”
“See, you wouldn’t have known his name if you weren't flirting,” said a third voice.
“I know his name because we were talking. About basketball,” said the first voice.
“Angie’s got a crush!” sang two of the voices together.
“Whatever.”
One of the girls, a Native American, walked past our room. A couple moments letter, she walked back and looked in our room.
“Hello. Who are you?” she asked. Her voice was the second voice I had heard when the girls entered the house.
I pointed at my chest. “I’m Amber. That’s Kim.”
Kimmy waved her hand. “Hi. We’re new here.”
“Yeah, I kind of figured that one out,” said the girl with a giggle. “I’m Jessica. My friends call me Jessie for short.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said. Kim simply nodded in agreement.
“Likewise,” said Jessica. “So, when did you two get here?”
“Actually,” I began. “There are three of us. The other girl is in that room over there,” I said, waving my hand in the general direction of Juanita’s room. Looking at my watch, I continued. “We’ve been here for a little under two hours, I guess.”
“Oh, okay,” Jessie said. Turning her head towards the dining room, she yelled “Hey! We’ve got new roommates!”
Two more girls suddenly appeared in our doorway. One was a tall white girl with reddish brown hair, and the other was a short and heavy Hispanic girl. Jessica pointed at the tall one, who waved enthusiastically. “That one’s Michelle.” The shorter girl, who was obviously Angie, tried to walk away.
Grabbing the back of Angie’s shirt, Jessica said, “Not so fast, you little sneak.”
“Let go of me.”
“And this one is Angelina, Angel or Angie for short, depending on her mood,” said Jessica. Looking at her two friends, she said, “This is Amber and Kim.”
After Jessica let go of Angie’s shirt, Angie slipped away. Michelle and Jessica walked into our room, sitting on the edge of Kim’s bed. “Don’t mind Angie, she’s not very social,” said Michelle.
“She’ll get along great with her new roommate then,” Kim said.
“Yeah, Juanita’s pretty quiet. All she did all day long back at Orangewood was listen to rap music,” I said.
“Yeah, it sounds like those two will hit it off,” said Jessica.
“They’re like two carrots in a bunch,” said Michelle.
Jessica looked over at Michelle and shook her head. “That’s ‘peas in a pod’, dear.”
“Huh? Oh, whoops.”
Kim and I giggled a little at Michelle’s air-headed comment. Michelle got up and walked out of the room.
“Don’t mind her,” said Jessica. “Half the time, I can’t tell if she’s joking or serious. But she is smarter than she lets on.”
There was a knock on the door. I looked up to see Steve and Stephanie standing in the doorway. “It’s time for a meeting in the family room,” said Steve.
After Steve and Stephanie walked away, Jessica looked back at us. “I wonder what that’s about?” she asked, then got up and left the room.
Giving each other nervous glances, Kim and I stood up and made our way to the family room. Jessica and Juanita were sitting on opposite ends of one of the couches. After we sat down on the other couch, two more adults walked in to the room. One was a middle-aged large man with neatly trimmed brown hair and mustache. The other was a young woman with bleach-blond hair.
“Amber, Kim, this is Jeff and Sonya,” said Steve. “Jeff doesn’t usually work on Fridays, but he’s filling in for Ruben tonight. Sonya is here Thursday through Sunday, and Jeff usually comes in Sunday through Wednesday. Ruben works Thursday through Saturday, Stephanie will be here Monday through Friday, and the two night staff alternate. Their names are Daniel and Parker. Confused yet?” he asked with a grin. Turning to look at Jeff and Sonya, he asked “Can I talk to you two in the Kitchen for a moment please?”
Jeff nodded, and he and Sonya followed Steve to the kitchen. Soon after, Angie walked into the family room and came to a stop in front of Michelle, who was sitting in the recliner. Michelle looked up and saw Angie was staring her down, and got up and moved to the other end of the couch Kim and I were sitting on. Angie sat down in the recliner, pulling the handle which released the foot rest.
“Angie,” said Jessica. “You can’t always get your way. If someone else is sitting there, just find another place to sit.”
“I like this chair. It doesn’t hurt my back like the couches do,” said Angie.
Steve, Jeff, and Sonya walked back into the family room followed by Stephanie, who sat on the arm of the other couch. “Now that everyone is here, I’d like to begin,” said Steve. Pointing at Stephanie, he continued. “This is Stephanie. She is Stacy’s replacement. She is a former client in Palm House. She was here a couple years after I first started working for Olive Crest. Give her the respect she deserves, and she will return in kind. Next, this is Juanita, Kim, and Amber,” he said, pointing at each of us as he called our name. “To put it mildly, you six have more in common than you might think upon first glance.”
Jessica looked at Kim and me. “I knew it!” she said. “I could feel it when I first met you two.”
Michelle had a confused look on her face. “Knew what?” she asked. “I don’t get it.”
Jessica looked over at Michelle and shook her head. “They’re like us.” When Michelle’s confused look still hadn’t gone away, Jessica sighed. “They used to be boys, honey.”
“Ooh. I get it now,” Michelle said, nodding with a smile. Angie and Jessica rolled their eyes.
Stephanie stood up. “I guess that’s where I come in,” she said. “Before I arrived here at Palm house over five years ago, I was lost, confused, and scared. I was a runaway, living on the streets, and I didn’t have anywhere to go. I was afraid of someone finding out I had once been a boy. So, I stayed alone."
Angie and Jessica’s eyes widened. Michelle was lightly rocking side to side to music in her head, obviously not paying attention to the conversation.
“After I changed, I found that I didn't have any family. It wasn’t until I met someone who believed me that I finally began to trust people again,” continued Stephanie. “Some time later, he convinced me to go to Orangewood. From there, I was placed here in Palm House. After I finished college a couple years ago, he asked me to go to work at Orangewood. Having just gotten a bachelor’s in social work, I had no problem getting hired. Then he asked me to keep an eye on any other girls like me who found themselves in Orangewood. I’m here to help you girls in whatever way I can. Since I have gone through what you girls are going through, I may have insight that the other staff do not have.” She turned and looked at Jeff and Sonya. “No offense.”
“None taken,” replied Sonya.
“Well, that’s that, as they say,” said Steve. “I need to get going, but I’ll see you girls bright and early on Monday morning.”
******
After Steve left, Kim and I returned to our room. Juanita and Angie remained in the living room, watching MTV, while Jessica and Michelle returned to their own room.
“Hey, Kim,” I began. “You said you wanted to be a girl before you transformed, right?
“Yeah, why?” she replied.
“How much do you know about girl’s fashion?”
“A bit, why do you ask?”
“Because if we’re going shopping tomorrow, I’m going to need help,” I said.
“Well, whatever I can’t help you with, I’m sure Stephanie can,” said Kim.
“I hadn’t thought about that,” I said. “Thanks for being my best friend, Kimmy.”
“You don’t need to thank me. We’re in this together.”
I closed the door and began stripping off my clothes to change into my pajamas, and Kim did the same. Ten minutes later, we were lying on our beds with the light off making small talk when someone knocked on our door.
“Come in,” Kim called out.
Stephanie opened the door and smiled. You two didn’t think you were going to get out of our nightly chats, did you?” she asked.
I chuckled. “Now that you won’t be working overnights, I hadn’t really thought about it,” I said.
“Well, I’ll still come say goodnight every night,” said Stephanie.
“Thanks Steph,” Kim said.
“You two get a good night sleep, and I’ll see you tomorrow for our little shopping trip.”
“Goodnight, Stephanie,” Kim and I said in unison.
“Girls, there’s somebody in the office here to see you,” she said.
After dropping our backpacks in our room, Kim and I walked up to the office doorway. Sitting in a chair to the side of the staff desk was an older man, probably in his fifties, wearing a gray suit. He was a tall, balding man. Steve was sitting behind the desk and waved us in.
“Girls, I’d like you to meet David Marcus.”
Looking at David, I asked “The same David that wrote me the letter?”
“Yes, Miss Rose,” he replied. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
That’s How the System Works — Part 5
By Danielle Rose
Chapter 10
As Steve escorted us to the front office of El Modena High School early on Monday morning, I could feel the students checking out the new girls. Juanita, as usual, was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Kim and I were both dressed in blouses and skirts. My skirt was substantially longer than Kim’s, having elected to wear a long flowing one rather than one to just above my knees like Kim. It was one of many I had picked out during our shopping trip on Saturday. I never knew I could enjoy shopping as much as I had that day. We spent two hours in Target before heading to the local mall, where we had spent another three hours going from store to store. Due to my extenuating circumstances, Stephanie was given a credit card to pay for my purchases rather than the standard cash allotment usually given for clothing. Kim and Juanita were given $300 in cash to buy things they would need as well. During lunch at the food court, I almost choked on my iced tea when I found that the final bill for my shopping spree totaled almost $1,000.
“Can I help you?” asked the secretary once we had entered the office.
“I’m here to enroll these three,” replied Steve. He handed the secretary some paperwork that indicated us as wards of the state of California, and that Olive Crest was our legal guardian. There were also transcripts from our previous schools.
“Please fill these out,” the secretary said, handing Steve three stacks of paper.
We walked over to a row of chairs and sat down. Steve began working on my paperwork, asking me an occasional question. About ten minutes later, he began working on Kim and Juanita’s paperwork. Once he was done, we walked back up to the counter. Taking the paperwork, the secretary picked up her phone and dialed.
“There are three students here for enrollment. Okay.” Setting the phone back down, she said, “The principal will be out in a few minutes to finalize everything.”
“Thank you,” said Steve.
We returned to the seats and waited for about five minutes before a tall woman came out of the door marked “Mrs. Janet Frasier, Principal”. She looked like she was in her fifties, and was tall and thin.
“Hello. I’m Jan Frasier.”
“Hi. I’m Steve Goclowski, case manager for Palm House in Olive Crest,” Steve said as he handed his business card to Mrs. Frasier. “This is Kim Wilson, Amber Rose, and Juanita Camacho.”
We all shook hands with the principal, and then she escorted us to her office. Kim and I sat down while Mrs. Frasier cleared off a third chair for Juanita.
“I’m sorry my office is such a mess. I’m still getting settled in. I replaced the previous principal only a few weeks before winter break.”
“It’s understandable,” said Steve. “You should have seen my office when I first took over Palm House. And I only have six kids to work with, you have a couple thousand.”
Sitting in her chair behind the desk, Mrs. Frasier began looking over our paperwork. As she read each, she made notes in a notebook. Looking up at both Kim and I, she asked “What electives would you like?”
“Excuse me,” interrupted Steve. “Doesn’t the counselor make the schedules?”
“Usually,” said Mrs. Frasier. “I was the guidance counselor here until I got promoted. I’m kind of doing both jobs until my old position gets filled.”
“I see,” said Steve.
“So,” began Mrs. Frasier. “What electives would you like?”
Earlier that morning, Kim had convinced me to join choir with her.
“Can we get choir?” Kim asked.
“Let me check.” Mrs. Frasier turned to the computer beside her desk and began typing. “Yes. There are openings in choir. It’s a zero period class on Tuesday and Thursday with some after school practices as well.”
“How early would we have to be here?” I asked.
“Zero period starts at 7:40.”
Kim and I looked up at Steve. “I don’t see a problem with that. You can take the local OCTA bus. I’ll get you some monthly bus passes.”
I looked at Kim, and she nodded her head.
“We’ll take it,” I said.
“Would you two mind sharing your other classes?” asked Mrs. Frasier
Kim and I shook our heads. “Not at all, we’re best friends,” said Kim.
“Good, we don’t have very many AP classes, and that would make it easier to schedule your classes.”
Kim looked at me in astonishment and mouthed “AP?” I giggled a little. Mrs. Frasier turned back to her computer. The printer came to life a couple of minutes later.
“Here are your schedules,” Mrs. Frasier said as she handed Kim and I a single sheet of paper each.
As I looked over my schedule, I saw that in addition to choir I would be taking AP Calculus, and AP English, World History, Science, and PE. The last class on the schedule had me confused. It said IL/W. I asked Mrs. Frasier about this.
“That’s Independent Living and Working. It’s a class we give to everyone either in their junior or senior years. It teaches you things like how to adjust for college, time and money management, and how to find a job. As part of the class, some of the students become teacher or office aides; others work in the cafeteria or assist the janitorial staff.”
“Olive Crest started that program nearly twenty years ago, and it quickly spread to the local high schools. About half of the high schools in the county have it now.” said Steve.
Kim and I showed each other our schedules, and we shared every single class together.
“Miss Camacho, your schedule will be different.” said Mrs. Frasier. “With the exception of fifth period PE and sixth period Independent Living and Working, you will not be sharing any classes with these two.”
“That suits me just fine,” said Juanita.
Mrs. Frasier picked up her phone. “Kim and Amber are ready. I’m sending them out.”
Mrs. Frasier hung up her phone and looked at Kim and I. “The secretary, Mrs. Baker, will get you your locker assignments and one of her aides will show you to your first class. I need to speak with Miss Camacho and Steve privately please.”
Kim and I stood up and made our way back into the main area of the office. Walking over to the counter, Mrs. Baker handed us each a folded index card with our locker assignment and lock combination number. Kim and I smiled as we realized our lockers were next to each other.
“You know,” began Kim. “It’s a good thing we like each other.”
A couple of minutes later, a short boy with strawberry blond hair walked into the office. Walking over to us, he introduced himself. “I’m Ben. Mrs. Baker asked me to show you two to your first class.”
“Thanks Ben. Lead the way,” Kim said.
Chapter 11
The day progressed rather quickly. AP Calculus and AP English were a little challenging, but Kim and I managed. The other classes were easy. Before we knew it, it was lunch time. There were two lunch periods. The freshmen and sophomore classes had their lunch during our fourth period, and junior and seniors had lunch immediately after them.
“Ugh, please tell me we're not having meatloaf!”
I stood on my tiptoes and looked ahead to the food serving area. “Yup, that’s what it looks like,” I responded. “Oh no... Why does everybody always have to serve Potatoes Au Gratin with meatloaf?”
“And here I was hoping the food would be better than at Orangewood.”
I giggled a little as I lowered myself back to my normal height. “Anything is better than last week’s Tuna Surprise.”
“I heard that, Amber,” came a familiar voice.
Kimmy and I turned towards the voice as our eyes opened wide in excitement. "Louise!" We yelled in unison.
"Hey, sweeties," said Louise. "I'll bet you’re wondering what I'm doing here, right?"
"Um, well Yeah," I replied.
"Well, I used to run this cafeteria years ago. The head lunch lady left and moved out of state to be with her grandkids, so the school district called me up and offered me my old position back!"
"That's great, Louise, but, um, can I ask you something?" I asked.
Louise held up a covered Tupperware. "I was already thinking about you. I know how much you hate those "Ugh Rotten" potatoes," she said, shaking the Tupperware full of tater tots.
"So how did you know we were going to be at this school?" Kim asked.
"Stephanie told me."
******
Once school had ended for the day, Stephanie picked all six of us up in the house van to take us home. Pulling up to the house, we noticed an old style limousine parked on the street in front of the house. Stephanie asked us to wait by the van while she went inside. A few moments later, she came back out and waved us in.
“Girls, there’s somebody in the office here to see you,” she said.
After dropping our backpacks in our room, Kim and I walked up to the office doorway. Sitting in a chair to the side of the staff desk was an older man, probably in his fifties, wearing a gray suit. He was a tall, balding man. Steve was sitting behind the desk and waved us in.
“Girls, I’d like you to meet David Marcus.”
Looking at David, I asked “The same David that wrote me the letter?”
“Yes, Miss Rose,” he replied. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“We have so many questions,” Kim said.
“Yes, I thought you might,” said David. “That’s actually why I’m here. I was planning on sitting down with all of you and telling you what I know.”
“How many girls like us are there?” I asked.
“Well, that’s a little complicated. Let’s go get the other girls together and I’ll do my best to answer that.”
A few minutes later, Kim and I, along with the rest of the girls and staff, had assembled in the family room. David stood in front of the couches and introduced himself to the rest of the girls and staff.
“I know you all have at some point or another asked yourselves what exactly happened,” David began. “To put it simply, you are not where you belong. Now let me ask this, how many of you like science fiction?”
Jeff, Stephanie, Jessie, Michelle, Kim, and I all raised our hands.
“The best way I can put this is we are all in some kind of parallel reality different from the ones we came from.”
“The ‘ones’ we came from? You mean we’re not all from the same reality?” asked Jessie.
“No, Miss Taylor, I am from one where human beings had developed strong mental abilities. I am what your science fiction would call a telepath. I have the ability to sense someone’s thoughts. This gift is what has allowed me to sense a new individual’s arrival in this reality.”
I raised my hand. “So you knew about me the moment I woke up in the police department?”
“Yes. I asked Officer Samuels to request to his superiors that he be the one to take you to Orangewood, so that he could inform Ms. Miller of your circumstances.”
“Ms. Miller?” I asked. Stephanie waved her hand, indicating she was Ms. Miller.
“So how did we become girls?” Kim asked.
“The only thing I’ve been able to come up with is there were two of you being pulled from your realities at the same time. One of you was male while the other was female. I can only surmise that your male memories must have somehow integrated with the female version of you.”
“So everybody here is from a different reality, but not everyone has memories of being in their original reality?” asked Jeff.
“With the exception of a small handful of individuals, that’s correct Mr. Robertson.”
“Are any of us from the same universe?” asked Kim.
“No Miss Wilson, however you and Miss Rose are from very similar realities.”
“How was this reality created?” asked Michelle.
“To the best of my knowledge, some cataclysmic event destroyed my original reality and shattered the space-time barriers between realities,” replied David. “Now, I’m not a scientist, but I have theorized that the multi-verse created this reality as an orphanage of sorts. With the barriers no longer keeping the realities separate, sometimes a person becomes cosmically disconnected from their reality and “land” here in this reality.”
“I received a letter from someone that I knew in my original reality,” I said. “How is that possible if she’s from a different reality?”
“Let me explain a bit further,” said David. “When someone is brought here from their original reality, their original memories are replaced with ones of having been from this reality. When someone they are cosmically linked with arrives in this reality, their memories are further changed to reflect the arrival.”
“What would happen if another version of Amber or Darrell were pulled into this reality?” I asked.
“Nothing,” replied David. “The multi-verse theory posits that the same matter cannot occupy the same time and space. It simply cannot happen.”
“Why do we remember our original realities?” asked Juanita.
“I believe that is a side effect of your male memories integrating with the female version of you, Miss Camacho.”
“I wonder what happened to the people that knew us in our original realities.” asked Jessie. “Do you think they think we’re missing?”
“To my knowledge, their memories of you would be left intact,” said David. “I wish I could offer you a better answer.”
“So my parents must think I’m lost in the system,” I said. Tears began to form in my eyes. Kim gave me a hug and I laid my head on her shoulder.
******
Several hours later, I laid in bed thinking about everything David had told us. If my parents really did remember me, would they be looking for me? I hated the thought of causing them any more grief than I already had. My last thought before falling asleep was how much I missed my family.