Sweet Dreams-26…Holy F#*K did I just get A Life?
Chapter 26
I love every moment now; I love every second of this now. I can’t even process not feeling that this isn’t something that’s right, deeply and truly right as we make love. I moan in his ear as he sinks into me with long strokes that fill me up with hardness and silk and pleasure and heat.
I love the fact that he makes this almost chirr or a purr as my nails slip scraping over him skin and that we kiss and we kiss and I reach up and run my hands over his rock hard muscles and over his scars and then running my hands through his hair.
I love the fact the we’ll almost stop and we’ll just look at each other…it’s just looking at each other and there no words for the sweet look in those coffee silk deep eyes of his and he smiles then lays me down in our bed and kisses me…starts moving again, long deep hard strokes changing everything about me moment by moment….it does you know, when the one that you’re with really and truly loves you and takes you away from that person you used to be until your soul seems to take flight towards heaven and you get to be in the height of that bliss…
You get to be the person that they see you as…and not that reflection in the twisted mirror of your own life’s experience.
Alex sink’s in deeply and there’s that frission of energy that ripples through his body and he gathers me tightly into his arms and plant’s his face into my shoulder…my collar bone and I feel the hot, thick, juicy spurts going off deep inside. There’s not grunting stuff just that and him leaving the love bite to my shoulder with a kiss and he nuzzles my face and smiles the sweetest shy hurt boy finally showing that lost smile to me, for me just for me.
Ow……..my heart.
The second time it’s so much more powerful and it get’s me loud…it makes me want to cry out because it’s so good, it’s like wild possession…there was William, then Me, then there’s this me that I’m becoming more and more sure that I am really supposed to be and the second time Alex is making love to me she takes over and she…I’m pretty sure leaves a little bit of herself behind every time.
The third time that Alex makes love to me is the best…I know it sounds un-sexy and stuff but it’s just face to face. It’s just this slow and steady gentle loving rhythm that just fits with us having burned our way through that passionate full burn sex.
The first time we are together its love making and foreplay and passion, the second time our blood’s all pumped full of sexual adrenaline and the hormones are flowing and it’s that intense wild sex. But this, the third time Alex is making love to me is just slow.
There’s nothing to be in a hurry about, there’s no desperation in it. The fire’s not raging…and that might sound bad but this is this slow, sweet lovemaking where it’s as much as about taking our time with each other as it is about every touch and every kiss.
This’ll sound off I know but here like this we get to this point where Alex kissing me the way that he does when we’re like this is every bit as powerful and sensual as him sinking into me.
I’m so sure now that the person living here between my ears isn’t a guy. I might not fit in any mold that you’d judge a girl by but I’m sure than I am a girl in my head.
As much as everything’s messed up in my head…just knowing that and being able to admit it even to myself is a relief.
I know so all that unsure self torture shit can start… (I know)…to stop. I hope that makes sense.
And after he holds me and we doze and cuddle just getting the energy to get up so we can take a bath together…
I like doing that.
Alex has a real big tub so to soak away his bumps and bruises and sore muscles after a game or practice and it’s more that big enough for the two of us. And even as late as it is and the day we had he let’s me slip into his dry warm spot while he runs us a bath and then he changes the bed sheets while I slip into the bathroom and do the stuff I sort of need to do after we make love.
It’s just a nice little slice of perfect when we’re in the tub together and he wraps me up in those huge muscular arms of his that feel so good holding me and keeping me safe. I love the feel of being able to just relax and lean against him and feel his muscular chest against my back. I’m literally half the size of him and then some so being held like that really feels good in this I’m a girl kind of feminine way.
There just so many little things now happening for me and I really, really treasure them.
Like having him, and not being alone. And it’s this not alone in my heart thing more than a physical thing.
Mom and the Stepshit were around a lot since neither on had a decent job and there were always lots of their shitty “friends” around too, and there was school but that was just…
I have something now, someone and something real.
Its clean clothes and just stuff like having deodorant and powder, toothpaste and a new toothbrush…being warm and clean.
It’s Alex making the bed with clean sheets after we make love and him being that kind of guy that knows about me and heat and stuff. He put the sheets for a heating spin in the dryer before making the bed.
It’s those arms around me as we settle into bed.
It’s being asleep and us having rolled over and kissed each other finding each others lips in the dark before I wrap my arms around him and settle myself against his chest.
Him kissing the top of my head in his sleep.
Me falling ever deeper into sleep as I listen to his heartbeat.
I really, really think that I’m actually in love.
……………………………………………………Alex is the first time in my life I wake up smiling.
I really love the fact that if I’m really out of it he tries so hard to detangle himself from me and head to the bathroom to get ready for his morning jog. Even on the weekend he trains.
I get it though. As much as he doesn’t really want to play, he wants to play and the training and the whole routine’s likely kept him sane.
I like watching him in the morning too like this. Not that I’m even really moving but I like laying there sort of half face down hugging his pillow breathing in his smell while he’s really trying to be quiet and not wake me.
He gets his things and heads out to do his road-work…it’s what they call all that running to build up stamina and everything. I doze another ten or fifteen minutes before getting up and making the bed and getting our wash ready and they shuffling out in my Pj’s to the kitchen and starting to make breakfast.
I’m getting better at the domestic stuff too. The coffee is perking when there’s a knock at the door and Jennifer and Cindy are there in their sleepwear too.
“Can we eat here? There’s nothing really down there for food.” Jen pleads with me her eyes still not totally out of sleep mode.
“Sure, you girls are up early?”
“Ugh…April’s up already doing pilates. And Adam’s up too so…”
Cindy yawns. “Jen knows Alex has food here and he’s usually up by now so…” she stops looking between us in this oops oh shit thing.
I grin and take down three mugs. “The advantage of being the ex-girlfriend.”
Jen looks a bit sheepish now. “Sorry Hunter if this is just too weird then we can go.”
“No, if it wasn’t a big thing here last night hanging out then it’s not a big deal today okay?” I pour three coffees and take out the various things for it. It’s a good thing too because I’m a three sugars girl and creamer, Cindy does sweetener and half and half and Jennifer uses sweetener and soymilk.
“But you’re here you’re helping.”
“Helping?” Jennifer asks.
“Making breakfast.”
“Uhm…” She actually looks flummoxed. Cindy snerks and smiles at her…oh yeah there’s some more than she’s my best friend in there. “Jen’s really good at ordering over the phone, but she’s never really done the whole domestic stuff before.”
“Hey, me neither. Well not that much and I’m still getting used to it too.”
We start cooking and I’m actually impressing them with my knowledge of scrambled eggs and microwaving bacon and toastmaking which is kinda…sad but actually understandable. It’s the last couple of generations really either the girls don’t cook, or won’t cook. I think that Mom could cook but it just never happened enough. Well that and the fact that most of what we had was just stick it in the oven or heat in on the stove kind of stuff.
Or nuked it in the microwave…when we had a microwave.
I know Adam bought all or most of Alex’s stuff here but it’s more than what I’m used to having.
We’re all kinda ick…about Alex and his thing about liking cottage cheese. And Cindy shoes me this really kind of yummy trick where you swap out the milk that you pour over your granola for yogurt.
I’m not a fan of either things but like the veggie-fruit juice stuff that Alex drinks I eat some and I try it and while it’s not something I’d be all OMG it’s good about it’s not canned dog food sandwiches. So I’m pretty good about eating the healthy stuff. God knows I must be seriously deficient.
It is funny the look on Alex’s face though when he comes in and he see’s his current girlfriend there in the kitchen with his ex-girlfriend. I mean we’re not even really talking about him and stuff but he stopped and was towelling off the sweat and then he stopped with that look.
Huh?...What?...Ohfuck.
He almost gingerly makes his way to the bathroom to get a shower.
Yeah we end up giggling and laughing together. It was just too funny and stuff because I can sort of get where his head’s at and everything. But at the same time I’m seeing I’m so on the pink side of the gender line.
Breakfast is a bit more active and crowded than I’m used to and I do up two paper plates with some scrambled eggs and some toast and a few slices of bacon and slip into the main house while Alex is showering.
Adam’s got his glasses on and is reading from a tablet while standing beside one of those insert the packet dish coffee things. I come in beside him and just set the food on the counter. “Thanks for everything last night, you didn’t have to get involved and you let me talk you into all of this.” I step up on my tip-toes and kiss his cheek.
I’m heading out the door and back upstairs when I hear him say quietly. “It’s been awhile since anyone thought I could make a difference...”
I turn and both he and the plates are gone. I can’t help but to smile a bit from that. It’s a good thing I hope. I know some people don’t like being put into positions like that. Still…I hope that’s a good thing.
Sweet Dreams-27...Oh Crap! WTF?
Chapter 27
The rest of the day gets pretty hectic. It’s Saturday so both Alex and I have to work. Saturday’s a good shift for me at work because it’s one a really full day from nine until nine and it’s also the day that we get some new inventory for the store. I’m really getting into working for Hali too she’s actually helping me get some of the girl stuff down. I guess I’m sort of naturally girly though I never thought so just…punk…goth…sorta weird. I mean some of the gay kids and the odd kids would get beat on every once in awhile but those that were truly weird like me most of the time got ignored.
I’m going through skirts and holding some up to me looking in the mirrors. Hali has this folding changing screen thing that’s like three full length mirrors very useful in a clothing place.
“Hey, you think back in my old school they didn’t really think of me as a weird kid but a weird girl?”
“Could be, I mean you’re such a natch at this you’d think you’d have a fanny under there.”
“Ugh, that’s just weird. Fanny’s another body part over here Y’know.”
“I know, I know but it’s half the fun getting a rise out of you.”
“Isn’t that called taking a piss or something.”
“Indeed it is my duck, you’re coming along nicely now.”
“Oy, great that is now by the time yer done wit me I’ll sound like Eliza bloody Dolittle.”
We both giggle and laugh my UK accent is complete trash about as convincing as me trying to do impressions of Arnold Swartzenegger.
“It’s actually closer to pirate if you ask me love.”
“Great well if I need another job I’ll go see Disney about working the whole Pirates of the Caribean thing.”
“Only as a bloke, your gelly padding wouldn’t cut it in a bikini I’m afraid.”
“Hey!” I look down my front, frown…frown some more. “You know…I never thought of myself as being gay. I mean I wasn’t like typical teenaged boy horny so much he’d fuck a hole in the drywall… but I got turned on by girls all the same and I still kinda sorta do but….the sex with Alex is getting better actually and I like it as gay as that sort of seems then it’s not because what If I’m supposed to be a girl? Wouldn’t that make me straight?”
“No luv, you still had a think for girls, that’d make you Bisexual.”
“But still, what If I’m really supposed to be a girl?”
“You feel that way hon, foe real?”
“What kind of guy gay or not wants to have curves like a woman? I mean Alex does this stuff with my chest and my nipples that feels awesome and I know it’s like habit or something…but I want more…I want the girl part of it, I want the real thing sometimes so much to have breasts of my own and even Y’know…I’ve been thinking more and more on the whole downstairs thing too, what it’d you know be like.”
“Well as much as I like meself as a woman, a fanny’s not all it’s advertised Y’know and the surgical ones are a bit tricky too I’ve heard. Hunter y’don’t wan to be messing around with wondering, think long and hard about that kind of stuff.”
“I know, but I’m just really kind of getting the message from like just life and being just me that…I was always supposed to be a girl.”
“Hey now, I’m not saying that it’s not true or that what you’re feelings not right and all but this stuffs really serious. Just think about all the bad stuff you hear about plastic surgery stuff and apply it to like serious life stuff like your plumbing.”
“Okay…” I smile looking up. “Oy, Hali look who came round to take his tea break with us.”
Alex walks in and as usual when we’re working he’s got a tray for us all and good guy…no great guy that he is he’s got my coffee and his but a small two or three cup pot of tea that they serve up at wired. Plus there’s scones which is like a North American biscuit but sort of sweet like just sweet enough not to be bready. And there’s a dollop of something that looks like yogurt but sort of off white it’s not cream cheese or sour cream, well it sort of looks like sour cream and there’s blueberry jam.
Thankfully he brought me my brownie…I love the caramel brownies at wired. First no nuts, just fudgy brownie yayness. Two instead of the nuts as the crunchy bits they have bits of Skor bar then this dark chocolate icing and that has caramel poured over it and the kicker to it all is these crunchy bits of sea salt call fleur de sel over top.
Okay…I am a Girl that has the Choco-gasm…I love chocolate and it’s not because I’ve been deprived…I swear in speaks to my soul.
But Hali’s having intimate relations with here clotted cream? Ugh! I mean C’mon it’s Clotted…Clotted…when has clotted ever meant good?
But Hali’s all over the moon at this stuff and the fact it’s Devon Cream or something. Apparently the coffee shop serves a good deal of UK ex-pats here or something including a lot of people from India who I guess have a thing for British stuff as much as the Brits have a thing for stuff like curries and the like.
Alex has some of the stuff but that’s him and his thing for cheeses like that nasty cottage cheese stuff.
It’s a good break from work even though works not really that hard and stuff and we leave for burgers at Hardy’s for supper and I spend the last few hours at work actually looking stuff up online, watching a few shows online about cooking stuff and I stop with Alex off at the Kroghers and get a few things.
I love him pushing the cart and me standing on the front of it hanging on. He smiles at me. “So why are we here?”
“Sunday dinner.”
“We’ve got groceries Hunter.”
“I know but with Jen here and Adam and April and things going alright I was thinking that I’d try to have us do up a family dinner tomorrow. We did really good all together the other night and I’ve never really had the family thing Alex.”
“We don’t exactly have the family thing here either.”
“No, we don’t but what’s the harm in trying?”
“Lots if he’s trying something.”
“Alex…C’mon, I really want this…Jen needs it too and I…I want us to at least to try.”
“There’s a lot of stuff between him and I Hunter.”
“Yeah, and there’s a lot of bullshit too.”
“Bullshit?” He stops the cart and he’s giving me the eyebrow.
“Yeah, bullshit…a lot of that stuff happened a long time ago and you’ve blamed him for shit and pulled away, he’s pulled away because you’re pretty fucked up too Alex and he didn’t know how to deal but in you guys pulling away he’s losing the only family he felt he had left because of the issues with his family and that’s where he becomes the control freak.”
“I’m fucked up?”
“Hell yes, and you know you’re screwed up and so am I. The whole world is made up of screwed up bent and twisted up people. That’s life and don’t change the subject. Look you two are both so used to the way things are that it’s scary as shit to change things or even make the attempt. But you’re going to do this.”
“I am?” He actually looks a bit mad, on edge, end of my shift and she’s pulling this sort of look. Heck I’m scared because this is kind of a fight…
I step off the front of the cart and hug myself.
“I need this Alex…we all need this…I love you and I just see so much more…? If we try? I want to try Alex, I’m tired of being curled up in the corner.”
Great I’m crying and I’m wiping away at the tears and he comes over and wraps me up tight in those huge arms of his and lets out this sigh. You ever been to the zoo and see a bear or a lion lay down with that big hhhhhhfff sigh, yeah one of those.
But the hug is real, the way I’m being held is real and he kisses me on the top on my head and stays just that way before breaking contact to murmur.
“Okay…so what are we having?”
(Sniffle) “Whatever’s your favorite?”
He kisses the top of my head again. “Suck up.”
(Sniffle) “Yeah…”
“C’mon lets go look.”
We get back to looking but instead of going with me riding the grocery cart I’m glued to his side as we do that couples walk and sway together. It’s very cool and romantic or at least it’s really romantic to me.
We look a lot of stuff over and I’m not really fussy or that familiar with a whole lot of stuff. Cheap meats to me was like fish-sticks or breaded chicken cutlets. Mom and the step-shit wouldn’t buy stuff like liver or tripe or any of those less choice cuts of stuff. I don’t really know how to cook them but my eyes can’t help but to notice the prices and I might just learn just in case. I could eat pretty good for cheap in college like this.
Holy…did I just say college?
Huh?
God…Alex, everything it’s just sort of sinking into me maybe that I might actually be able to do stuff like that. Have a life? And I think it’s actually coming from actually living one instead of being out there in the cold looking in and wondering and dreaming what that life would be like.
Chicken, I decide on a big chicken as big as they got there and I buy lots of veggies to go with it. Potatoes and carrots, turnip though I love that Hali calls them neeps. Some of these squashes and yellow beets, a few sweet potatoes and some rosemary, and thyme and some apples. I think I have everything for tomorrow. I’m actually kind of excited about it all and I talk Alex’s ear off a bit talking about the stuff I seen on the computer (Jamie Oliver.) and how I’ve never done anything like this before.
It’s midnight before everything’s away and we’re home and I’ve set the bird in this salt/sugar water mixture called a brine. It’s supposed to make the bird really juicy and the skin crisp.
I love chicken skin…I know it’s awful to admit to something like that but Y’know so does a lot of other people. I’ll admit to even having a weakness for pork rinds. But it could be my body craving the fats.
I remember there was this movie, I’d only seen like part of it but there was this gothy girl witch on it and she called the four food groups …Sugar, Salt, Fat and Booze. I know I need all these good things but it’s still kind of funny.
Alex showers while I did all of that then it’s my turn and while like I said my sex life is getti ng better and better we are not all about the screwing around. But this…me being warm, dry, clean and comfy in my snoopy Pj’s and Alex making us hot chocolate and just kissing me and holding me as we sip at our hot chocolate and dance…yeah sometimes we’ll just sneak in a few slow dances with the lights down before going to bed…to go to sleep dreaming of him holding me while we dance together…then his arms around me as I drift away…it kills bad dreams I know it does.
It’s really just another way of making love right? I mean am I just being a corny spaz or is making love really way more that sex?
I think so now.
God I love Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” We almost always dance to that song.
I love the contented sigh he has when we get snuggled together in bed and I can almost feel Alex’s heart saying with that….everything’s right in the universe. I hope that’s it…another reason I’m more and more sure I’m supposed to be a girl. Guy lingo, I’m just as non-fluent as any other girl is at Gruntese.
I love mornings like this morning sometimes…Sunday and Alex creeping up from bed to go run…but I hang onto his wrist and pull him down again and we kiss while my fingers slip into his boxer briefs and soon after we’re making love.
I won’t get into the details but I’m wide awake with my blood pumping during it and loud and glad the walls are thick and we’re away from the main part of the house. Then by the time he cleans off and goes for his run I’m breathless and boneless and slip into his dry spot and bury my face into his pillows and scent as I drift off back to post sex sleep.
I get up when he gets back and I join him in the shower and yes, today we do it twice…and get cleaned up in the process and do the whole morning ritual stuff we always do in that lazy, boneless, happy way.
It’s a lazy breakfast too with me not doing a damn thing and my guy’s making me waffles while I nurse a great big coffee and watch him sitting sideways in our big comfy chair. He’s got the radio on and it’s just kind of nice to be doing that while listening to a real radio station. Hey I listen to downloaded stuff all the time but there’s nothing like the stuff you get with a real D.J. team.
Always WCSX…94.7 FM Really good tunes, and something I’ve listened too all my life regardless of Mom or the step-shit Cliff.
By ten though I’ve got the veg all peeled and it’s all in the biggest roaster we’ve got with an apple and some rosemary and some thyme shoved inside the bird and just a light dusting of salt and pepper and I have it in the oven.
Dessert I actually use the rest of the apples and make a big apple pie that’s in one of those rectangular glass casarole dishes since we don’t actually have any pie tins in either place. I used granny smith apples and I added brown sugar, and some salt, cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg and all-spice plus a big cheat by using a box of lemon Jello. I read that online, it makes the Jello from the juices from the apples and the sugars will make it not taste like lemon but the lemon will spark up the flavor for the pie so it’s not too sweet.
God I hope it turns out alright, the crust too.
April was over the moon when I said that I was cooking a big Sunday roast chicken dinner and said that she and Adam would be more than welcome to have it in the dining room of the main house.
It actually became a pretty big thing or it felt like it. Cindy came over to hang out with us and Jen. Jen had been with Adam apartment hunting most of yesterday and doing homework last night so she actually slept in until close to eleven or so. I did notice Cindy looking tired and she had band aids on her fingers? And of course both of them are hanging out at my and Alex’s place for most of the day watching these 80’s movies that I’ve never seen before.
Wow…okay “Better off Dead.” is really funny and “Sixteen Candles.” was pretty awesome too and “Jake” soooo reminds me of Alex in a whole lot of ways. I’m cooking or rather checking on the food and watching with them and Alex is laying face down on the floor with a cushion and some of his sketch pads. I do peak and there’s one that has me in it dressed oddly in a castle with this big hulking thing in a shadow and this rose floating in a glass domey thing and a petal is floating to the table it’s on.
The others are these really great drawings and sketches of houses and people, I mean when you can see care and laugh lines on a woman’s face as she’s tying the shoe of her granddaughter. He has so much talent it’s scary, and amazing.
I’m back in the kitchen and wondering a little of why would someone like Alex wo9uld be with someone like me…?
I look over to them in the living room and Alex is looking at me and I bite my lip a little and he gets up off the floor and comes into the kitchenette and kisses me then picks me up by my waist and sets me on the counter and leans in and kisses me again. “It’s because I Love you.”
“How…”
“You get this look Hunter, you get this look that’s hurt, sad, lost….it scares me babe, it scares me more than my shit ever could…”
He kisses me again and I sort of wrap my legs around him as just like that he went into my dark place and pulls me out of it and it’s so….so amazing that he gets that about me…we need that, as people in general I believe because sometimes even when we try to stop ourselves from going there there’s no brakes.
Supper was really a success with the bird just almost falling apart it’s cooked that well and the skin all crispy and the scent of the apple and the herbs was just coming out it. The veggies were chunky and well roasted and I tilt the roaster and collect the juices in the corner and take the extra oil off with a bit of paper towel to blot some of it away. The rest I add some flour and sort of make a base by cooking it in the juices and the bit of pan greases that I left and scrape the roaster clean then add a pat of butter then a can of chicken broth and that made the gravy.
I…
There’s such a feeling I don’t think I’ve ever had before feeding everyone and Alex kisses me with “This is awesome babe.” and April is praising me a lot saying it’s so good, Jen says a couple of times that. “If I wasn’t there watching you make this I’d never have believed it.” and she teases Alex by telling him that. “You definitely traded up Alex, treat her right.” Cindy’s biggest compliment to me came with the smiles and her saying. “Homemade…I only ever get homemade anything at Grams house at Christmas or when my Aunt cooks at Thanksgiving.”
Adam…He thanks me, says that it smells very good. But it’s what he doesn’t say as we eat it’s him and Alex cleaning the rest of everything while I’m cutting squares of the pie. Nothing left, just the chickens poor picked over bones, not even the gravy was left the gravy boat claimed by someone and was cleaned of all traces by fingers.
They all have pie and ice cream except for Adam and Alex who actually put slices of cheddar on theirs and melt in in the microwave.
Eeeew!
I guess the real compliment came from Adam when I was doing the dishes and he came up and he took one of the dishtowels and he dried as I washed pausing only to make a pot of coffee.
We finished and he poured us two coffee’s and he took his smokes to head outside. But when he passes me he smiles? Hides behind a sip of his coffee. “That was the first family dinner for this house Hunter, it was good.”
He heads/slips out.
Damn…I really wish I hadn’t quit smoking…hot coffee after a meal and dessert…that’s prime smoking time…aaah dammit. I hold my mug with both hands not for the heat but to have something to do with my hands.
Then…
He said the “first family dinner.” so does that mean that I’m family?
I’m mulling that over when April comes in and she pulls me close into a hanging onto me hug. “Thank you Hunter, it actually feel like a home here tonight for a change.” I lean into her just enjoying the moment. “Thanks Mom…”
She just holds me and nods for awhile as the girls are talking and showing Alex some of the places that they’ve been looking at for apartments. She leans over and looks at me. “I was talking to my doctor today Hunter we’ve got an appointment tomorrow after lunch to go and see about the nosebleeds and to get you checked out. Is that okay?”
I’m quiet, thinking about all the stuff that might go wrong but also the whole confidentiality thing and if I might be able to crossover from the way I am now to the girl I’m more and more sure I am.
“Okay…I need to start taking real steps forward right?”