so here is another one after so many years coments well come rip it apart

darkness one lone tear

Darkness , the kind that is solid, unforgiving and infinite.

up down left right stillness .BBleeprup.......bluureeep.

Noises in the darkness all around close closer like nails on a marble floor.

Blllureep.........blllrueep.

Mumblings and more noises , the darkness holding them back holding me back .

Breep.....brreeep distant voices talking .......

Faintly hearing a name being called "m........ch......... struggling to listen M......Cha.........

Pain ! White hot like light nerves crying out .

Voices clearer.. Mr.......Cham....

More pain all over now.

Mr......Chambe.............

I mumble a faint "yes", with my dry mouth .

I open my eyes.... things badly out of focus i struggle to look a the near by form.

A voice softly speakes "Mrs Chambers" it said ....." congratulations your SRS has been very sucessfull rest now" .

I faintly smile as one lone tear slips down my cheek and darkness returns.

The shadows masked the room . Silence was unbreakable . Then it was heard a slow creeeeeeking then a thump . My eyes struggled to see my pupils wide to accept what little light there was . Creeeeeeek thump my mind was whirling in fear . Crreeeeek thump creeeek thump . IT WAS COMING UP THE STAIRS! CREEEK thump CREEK thump . it was at my door ! i dove under the covers shaking then peaking out to see the door handle sllloooowwwwly turn......... CLICK the door opened................ there it was looking at me staring at me ........ with a leap it was on me ......... i struggled to no avail i could not win against a GIANT PINK BUNNY giving snuggles .

happy Easter everyone

A small short I found on my comp, I might as well post here . This is a fictional short story I have done . All copyrights 2012 . You can

use as you wish just give me credit in writing it no matter how bad it is rues

Blind Date

I could have choked Dani for this up as I ran around my apartment .

"What am I going to wear"?,as my mind raced at the notion of my first blind date. I wondered to my self if I should be daring or practical.

I met Dani a few months ago and we hit it off right away . She caught me buying a lacy Victoria Secret bra and panty set I just had to have.

No one knew I wasn't a girl as I could pass that good still I was just learning and it must have showed.
Yet for some reason Dani knew . She was trouble right form the start .

My first foray into girls clothing stared back in public school . I was tall for my age and very thin and willowy and fragile , not the most eligible male around .

I new I was different ,I spent more time with girls than with boys my own age . Torments were many till I got older and had grown a thicker skin .

I took my chances at sneaking my sisters things out when I was younger getting caught and such then promising not to do it again .
I failed .

Being taller than most makes you stand out if you know what I mean .
Still it was my sisters yellow sun dress I put on and I was amazed on how well it fit me .

"Wow I could get used to this", I muttered to myself and my first step was taken .

I know my history is a bit short as I write this down , but there has to be some mysteries that must remain so .
With a blur I felt myself snap back from my flash back as I ran to the washroom getting some what better looking as I went .
" Dani's going to pay for this stunt ", I muttered looking in the mirror ......... "Oh GOD" !, as had no make up on I fumbled through putting on the right shadow and and mascara my hands shaking all the while hoping I didn't look like a clown when I was done.

Slowly the girl I new was there came out . My unruly red hair was finally tamed after I had slipped on a red sundress that fit so well it left little to the imagination.I wasn't slutty looking just a bit daring .

My shoes were next as slipped on a pair of open toed sling backs to show off my red toe nails , smiling I looked back up and stopped at my chest . Some day those will be real I thought as I picked up the forms and placed them in the correct spots making sure they looked good and matched.

A loud "knock ", came from the door as I screamed , Not yet "! and with wide eyes held my long nailed hands over my mouth hoping I wasn't heard .

I scrambled to finish myself with a bit of jewelry and as I turned and slid up to the door, I stood tall shoulders back and turned the door handle and pulled .

My mouth dropped open as there was Dani dressed to the nines in a smart suit, looking oh so hot
Oops I guess my secret is out .

With a wide smile and a slight giggle I stepped out and closed the door as she took my arm and led me to a whole new world .

copy rights yada yada 2012 just some i need to put down it helps . post anywhere its free. rues

Dad when i was born you were 35 i cant remember you having hair.
you were my pop the one always busy doing something .
The one i went fishing with as a kid , the one who could scare 5 kids with a stare and make then scatter .
We came first then you .
you laughed at me when i put my foot through the wall be cause i was mad ,
you disciplined me with your hand when i did wrong .i remember back in the sixties the fun we had looking
for bottles on the side of the roads as raising 5 kids was expensive .
the times you did not eat so we could
to the joy you had when you thought you hit the jackpot when you got a job that made $ 2.50 / hr
you were a farmer .
tanned and strong .
i still see you on that tractor with your wool hat on in the middle of summer .
i was small yet i remember you let me steer as i sat between your legs on the seat .
yet life moved on and i grew up we did not see eye to eye any more. i still see your face drop as i told
you to go and #$%@& yourself for that i am and will be always sorry .
the trips you made with mom and me i will treasure , i am glad we had them .
i can see when your dad was ill and i watched in silence as you wiped his face before he passed .
i said goodbye and was told to go and have my vacation and thus missed my opa's funeral
i got back and nothing was said .
life went on
you got sick too soon after the docs not knowing what was wrong .
i can still see you listening to some of my weird music and telling me it was beautiful .
they took you to the hospital 1hr away and you never came back . i couldn't help you so i helped mom
i lost you two weeks later at 62 .
its been 20 years Pop and i miss you just as much as always
i thank you for what you have given me, all the experiences and my life

copy rights are in order 2012 post on any free story site as long as this all says in tact . rues

Life is

life is finding yourself no mater what .
life is making decisions based on no information , and screwing up most of the time.
life is helping those who cant help them selves , making sure we all get a fair shot .
life is being non judgmental and giving your shoulder for some one to cry on .
life is listening to the thoughts of others enjoying their company even at 300 in the morning .
life is choices made in good faith .
life is and cant be summed up in a few words written down in hope that some one will read them .
life is chaotic randomness a mess so messy we cant see the whole pile
life is trying to clean the best way we know how.
life is going for walks on a warm spring days , walking your dog when she whines to get out .
life is trying to figure out how all of this works ,why we are here .
life is hoping you get it right and not complain if you don't .
life is being happy with what you have .
life is family and making sure you stay in touch no mater the pain involved .
life is moving on when you have no choice .
life is friends who love you for you .
life is loving back more than they give .
life is joy and sorrow of loss and restoring
life is giving at church when you cant afford to
life is having a ball on your birthday not caring if you gain weight from the cake .
life is finding your soul mate and hanging on for dear life.
life is giving your kids what they need not what they want .
life is loving your kids till it hurts then loving them more
life is seeing them stumble and fall then watch them get back up and try again
life is seeing you as good parent .
life is visiting your parents if possible remembering them if not .
life is being happy you don't know everything .
life is fitting in your own skin and correcting it the best you can .
life is wearing what you want when you want .
life is putting one foot in front of the other slowly especially in high heels .
life is having bad hair days and less then perfect make up .
life is runs in pantyhose and nicked legs after shaving .
life is bubble baths and treating your self .
life is making the best you there will ever be .
life is ...a journey make it a good one and finally ....
life just is .

copy right yada yada may be posted on any free site as long as i get the credit for it. Must be of age in your area to read
This just some thing i did late one night hope you all like it , comments welcome

The tears were coming fast as I placed the nail tip on my finger.
Here I am.How has it come to this?My struggles for most of my life,
being an outsider,being different.
The compulsions and desires to be a woman.Always there under the surface,in the shadows and the realm of dreams.
Maybe it was my torment of growing up with 4 other siblings that were older than me,yet saw me as nothing special.Maybe it was the abuse,the rejections,the loneliness, the age difference,the constant hiding of my true self.
Now age has ruined my chance.
Being 6'5 inches tall , mildly overweight does not make a good outcome for my anguish.
I will never be a true woman.
All the dresses and clothes cant change that fact.
So here I sit putting on nails, corset, pantyhose,alone, hoping,wishing,my soul to be at peace.

Just something that popped into my head that took a few minutes to put down do with it as you wish it belongs to all here it may help or not comments welcome

rues

Dear Mom and Dad

I hope you still love me with what I am going to say.

Its been a struggle as you know for me to fit in to not be bullied.

I know you love me even if you say nothing but it has come to a point where I must grow or die.

Mom , Dad , .... I am a girl trapped in a boys body!There I said it I am transgendered ! I hope your not too shocked and I know you have a lot of questions for me to answer.

Please don't think ill of me for keeping this from you for so long its just that I love you so much it hurts and I
thought I would loose you over this. I need your support in this to make me feel like I belong.

I have known that I was different since I was 8 and that I liked to play with girls more than boys. I found that dolls and dresses were what I wanted yet still I couldn't tell you for fear of rejection. So the years passed and I said nothing.

I am sure you must have noticed that there was something going on with my long hair and rather thin frame. I spoke to my
doctor and we have been discussing it in every detail.Please come with me to speak to my gender specialist her name is Dr Rosalyn Miller.

Shes nice Mom ,Dad and may have some of the answers we may both be looking for.I hope I am not to forward on this but I must do it for I fear the outcome if I don't.

My school life was and is hell Mom, Dad the constant ridicule and embarrassment of trying to be me and not succeeding has made me make this choice.

Most of my friends have left me and think of me as a freak and a joke so I am moving on by myself with the hope you will be there for me and not judge me for who I am or want to be.

Will you embrace your new daughter to be with love and forgiveness I cant say but I can tell you this.I will be the best daughter you can have and I don't know if you will like my new name or not so I leave you with it.

Mommy,Daddy its with love that I tell you this..

from your daughter .... Hope

This Christmas I wished alone in the dark to see if I could get what I longed for in my heart.

I wished to be soft and sexy and shy for long hair and maybe meet others like I.

This being transgendered is such a hard thing, looking wrong feeling wrong if you know what I mean.

I waited in silence and hoped to see, St Nick who may come to help me.

Then a clatter upon my roof I did hear I knew that St Nick was now here.

The small chimney did groan as he came to see, my small home and I hope he not flee.

There he was like legends did say covered in soot and snow all the way.

We saw each other and said not a sound,as he placed gifts and turned with a bound.

"Well young child " his voice slowly rose, "I see you been good so I got you those"

Looking, I saw what was there, skirts and dresses were everywhere. Boots and coats all things fine and I knew that these were now all mine.

"I know you hurt my child " he did say "so I am here to make this your wonderful day."

"Go get ready be fast and swift, and then I will give you your last gift."

Off I went with speed and grace a whirl of motion in silk and lace.

I finally stopped and looked in my mirror , a cute woman was there I could see her quite clear.

I returned to St Nick and looked a bit shocked, He smiled and and said "man girl you rock!"

"This is your gift oh child so fair, a girl you will be and yes I do care"

"I hope you will like this gift I gave you and I hope in your heart that you stay true"

He then kissed my cheek that's was rosy and pink and turned and smiled and said with a wink.

"Merry Christmas dear child and do not fret you don't know you potential yet."

A wave and a smile he did leave I stood there watching and started to believe,

A girl I am and always will be as shown by the gifts around my small tree.

So you out there I hope you can see be yourself the girl / boy you were meant to be

MERRY CHRISTMAS from rues

warning may cause upset feelings in those who are fragile or transitioning something i did to not be bored , use as you wish , comments welcome blast away rues

YOU

hard choices to be made
outcomes unknown,dark, scared
feeling wrong down to your soul.
pain,slurs,laughter,abuse.
trying to fit in,growing,changing.
making things right.
hoping needing conformation.
doing the best you can,
with what you have
standing tall looking forward
a small light flickers
an opening door
sunshine peace hope life
you are complete
you are home
you are you
a girl finally
free to be
YOU

copy right 2012 bla bla post on free sites just give me credit for doing this just something i tried to do

rues

I wept tears being called names that hit home,my eyes were red and wet.
But I know your out there waiting I just have not got to you yet.
I wish this pain would fade away to cleanse my soul I hope,
for I don't want to be like others dangling from a rope.
I hear your call its very faint and I look from whence it came.
My eyes don't see you just right now so I run screaming your name.
I am here! I am here! my new name I am scared to say
its been years since I saw you last and now I am Rosalyn May
I see you now far away as you run to me, my heart burst forth with joy and love for all the world to see.
we clasp and hug and kiss, our lips meet soft and long.
I pull back and know I am loved as I whisper I missed you Tom.
A smile you do and your eyes they twinkle as you stand right there,
your hands are hard yet soft as you stroke my long red hair.
Things have changed as I was gone and now I no longer roam,
for now I am here with you and this is now my home.
I thought you mad as I left to fill my heart forlorn
to fix a wrong that was done the day that I was born.
You seemed to be so silent and still I thought it rather grim,
yet to know you love me as I am your friend you knew as Jim.

copy rights 2012 rues post on any free sites give me credit for doing this out of boredom

I Cry

I cry for those who have no love, who are in pain.
For those who cant see themselves as they want to,who struggle to be who they want.
I cry for the ones with no voice, who sit in terror of past wrongs.
I offer not pity be strong feel my hand helping you if you slip and my shoulder for you to lean on if need be.
These tears are for the silent screams that all of us shout that no one hears.
Feel my joy as you take a step with out help.
My arms wrap you in strength and compassion for
I know your pain your wants for I have been there.
If you look close in to yourself you will see me there, arms wide to protect and shield you.
I have no armor,just me flesh and bone.
Let me take some of the burdens from your pain, give them to me as I will carry them for you.
I cry for those who have gone before us not knowing how much they are missed.
and I cry for the hope for a better life than the one here and now.
Take my hand,offer yours to others and together we will step in to a world where there is no tears.
Together we are strong and where there is no need for me to cry.

copy right 2012 are in order post on any free site if you want just give me credit for writing it .
rues

Mom you gave me the gift of life for that I am so grateful.
Love to you was unconditional even if you were tired .

It seems I took you for granted all this time having you try to calm my fears .
You would fix ripped clothes and bathe and clean cuts ,
worry as I was out for the night and held my hand when I was down
You would wipe my runny nose and read to me at night ,
I loved the warm soft beat of your heart as you held me .
I remember the time you and dad brought my bed down stairs,
because I had the mumps like no other kid .
The bouts of Chicken Pox and Measles and other childhood bumps were smoothed over .
Needle point and knitting you taught me , you got me hooked on reading,
cooking and doing the laundry , kind of strange but you smiled and did it anyway . still I learned a lot from you .
I learned to love with no hate , not to judge as I was being judged .
never to strike back no mater what the cost . to forgive if I could and not to worry if I cant
To help when I could , to always be on time and to apologize if not .
Your journey through life made you strong when I was young ,
I see you now as you are,a bit frail yet unbending as always .
your eyes show no fear as you slip this world .
I hate whats happening to you as your life is now day to day .You may be with us for a lot more years ,
still your leaving . So I will sit and visit every time I can .Read to you if you want.
Call on the phone to see how your doing just to hear that voice I heard so long ago for the first time
"Hello you nice to meet you welcome to life. I am your mom ."

copy rights are the norm here yada yada you can post this at any free site as long as it remains intact.I know this is a bit of a side track on the stories here, but just an up date on my life and its changes.

My early memories of my mother were of some one who was tired and worn down yet still fought the good fight and won out.
I imagine raising 5 kids would do that to you. I remember she had to leave for a while to go back home to Holland, why was never said but I think it was for mental reasons and a possible breakdown.
I can still see her coming into the bathroom door when she came back and handing me a toy. She never left again only for vacations and such and I was with her on some of them. She never complained on anything and took what came at her at face value. The joys of laughter at her accomplishments and the sorrows of losing her husband and parents and older brother years ago.I can also see the time when her family went back to Holland for a reunion and her younger brother who could not afford to go, suddenly was able to, due to my and my mothers help, my uncle had a ball and so did she. We lost my uncle a few months back and my mother again took it like everything else in life with dignity and poise. (Sorry for the flash back its the only thing that sticks in my mind right now of how she thought of others instead of herself)It seems now shes on another journey that I cant go with her , I may be beside her in the flesh but no closer she was diagnosed with stage 5 Alzheimer's and it rips my heart out to see this happen to a woman who fought like hell to live her life the best way she knew how. Living through war and oppression and coming out the other side to a new life in another country made her a very strong woman and the tough life here added to it I hope. Its just that I at this moment can no longer fix her illnesses as I have done in the past. This is the woman I have given 20 years of my life to take care of her and now it seems I have failed in that respect. My family has mostly condemned me for my choices and on a few occasions like a wedding and reception flatly told me I was not invited.So, this connection to my mother is strong and solid like nothing on this earth can take from me , but I was wrong . She at this moment is slipping from me and the others in my family and there is nothing on this earth I can do about it.I still have my me times but they seem so insignificant right now that its no longer a joy to do. I may be a little shocked at the outcome of all this and need some time to sort things out , but this woman who gave birth to me at 33 yrs old in 1965 will hold my heart for as long as this universe exists and beyond. These small snippets that I put down on my computer I hope still give some out there a look at my life and its course I may still put things into words and post them here for my own sanity. If your reading this hug your mothers a lot if you can, if you cant remember them with love and joy .

It seems that my small drabble has struck a strong nerve. I hope not to hurt anyone's feelings as it's was something to do on a quiet night at 3:00 in the morning and as some wanted to know a bit about me, here it is in a condensed form. Yes the copyright thing still stands as this is my work yada yada post anywhere as long as it's free.

 
My life so to speak was a different one than most I think as I was the youngest of 5 kids and grew up on my own due to the age difference. Yes I got the hand me downs but not like most boys do, some things were from my sisters.Pants shirts etc were the norm back in the sixties when my parents could not afford new clothes for everyone so we made due.

I spent most of my childhood chasing cows playing in mud puddles and cornfields,it never dawned on me that I was wearing girls clothes only in my later years did it become an issue that I kept to myself.

Those were the real great days of my earlier life, long hair was the norm and yes I did have super fine hair that the hairdresser loved. (sigh)I was skinny kind of geeky looking yet still looked ok yet was so dam clumsy it hurt.

I did have some girlfriends but it never worked out I found myself not interested anymore with either sex, its still the same today . I read about transgender etc (I look male but don't feel it sometimes )I have a fem side that is fun I guess who knows

Maybe it was the moving around that the family did those years I was young,I had no father figure as my dad was working all the time to feed us brood and my mother was big time tired at 33 years old when she had me . I was left to my own devices at a young age and began experimenting in my room with dresses and shoes from my sisters closets. They did have cool stuff the silky slips, tie died shirts etc I was curious and who can blame me. The thrills were getting more and more as I loved to dress quite well with my long hair and stuffed bras.

It became more in later years as I was caught and complimented that I fit my sisters dress better than she did,but nothing was said a raised eyebrow or two and it was gone.So in relief went further into my self hoping not to get caught again with the nail polish on or shaved legs (yes i was caught again sleeping in a nice sun dress)

My teens were hell as the new kid on the block that was weird and strange, beatings were normal for me everyday as my inner self slipped out some times,( had gotten a perm in high school I liked it but others did not) my time in school came to an end a bit scared but intact, ( I was 6 foot 4 inches in grade 7 and 8 and hardly grew after that)and never raised a hand in anger.

I filled out a bit as I got older finding that some clothes didn't fit anymore so I graduated to adult sized dresses, shoes are a bitch to find in my size,the runs to the mall to get french tipped nails and the lies to the clerk then life got in the way and these things were left on the side.

Health issues with my grandfather one year(he passed) and my dad the next, took his life early (I still can see him in that hospital bed the machines keeping him alive and knowing he was gone, 2 weeks was all that took.) So my life changed again as my mother now needed me more than ever, it worked good as life came and gone my urges under the surface still there .

Then now her healths failed and my life was sealed for the time being I took care of her for the next twenty years from broken bones to slipping memories, shes happy now I guess but I will now have to deal with my own life at 46 Wow talk about a wake up call. Its doesn't seem to be so bad but my health as slipped and I find age is creeping up on me
which I did not ask for yet got hit with.

I wrote that drabble a long time ago when life was kicking the shit out of me and I have learned to be happy with myself as is.

No there are no girlfriends or boyfriends I live now on a small pension and still dress from time to time for my happiness and yes I did find peace.

I hope this small short story of my life (and i mean short) gives you an insight into my life.I hope yours is as good as you can make it and wish you all love health and hugs. rues

2012 copy write post on free sites but leave intact I got bored again here you go another one from me rues comments welcome

I saw the dress on line and had to have it. So I bought it.I had it shipped to a post box and if your wondering yes I love all things feminine.
I have been lucky as no one knows that I dress and have this deep wish to be a woman.
It started early in my life and has been kept a secret.
The dress caught my eye one night last month, no one had bid on it at all so with my shaky hand I hit buy now and got it for a few hundred bucks plus shipping.
It was gorgeous as I stared at the pictures on line its age unknown.It was long and satin, just the size I wanted yet I had to wait a few weeks for it to be shipped.
Time does not go by fast when you want something bad. I went to the post box and took out a slip saying a package was waiting for me.
My nervousness was evident as I walked to the counter and handed in the slip,the worker came back with a plain wrapped box with my address and box number on it.
With the box in my hands I was re leaved a bit as I left to take it home with me.
I couldn't wait as I made it home and closed the door. Tossing my things on the couch I went with my purchase to my bedroom.
I opened the box quickly ripping the wrapper , It was gorgeous the bodice was detailed with beading and sequins. Lace had been sewn along the hems with the darting just right for my size.
The sleeves could be removed or not as I slid my hand over the soft material.
I could wait no longer and undressed my self and slipped into some finer things.
Panties, a bra with breasts forms, a slip and some hose.
With that done I slowly slid the dress on and and buttoned up the back.
It felt wonderful.
Like electric shocks flowing over my skin.
Moving back I looked in the mirror on the far wall and gasped as it fit not to bad. With a little tuck here and there it would be perfect.
A knock on the front door as it opened broke me from my joy as I quickly closed the bed room door and began to panic.
OH SHIT! CRAP! as I put my hand over my mouth and held the door knob to keep it closed as I could not lock it.
"Be right there" I said my voice sounding light and nervous.
I tried to get out of the dress but it would not come off. The buttons would not move or budge.
I panicked again as I felt my world crashing down.
The dress seemed tighter on me as I could not catch my breath as the sounds of footsteps came closer to my bedroom door.
My mind screamed "not now " "no"as the door knob jiggled as a knock was heard.
The dress was warm as I began to sweat a bit putting a long nail in to my mouth as the door opened.
"That looks fabulous Karen!"as Tammy my best friend stood looking at me.
I had turned to look in the mirror again only to see a pretty woman staring back with her mouth open in shock.
The dress sparkled in the rooms dim light as Tammy reached for the veil and placed it on to my long auburn haired head. My soft shaped face with now high arched brows and deep green eyes had tears flowing from them as I had found a beautiful white wedding dress that fit to perfection.
"James is a lucky man" Tammy said as I finally got my wish granted to be a woman by a white satin dress I bought on line.