I do a small favour for my friend
who decides to teach me a new skill in return

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 1

A first lesson

Mid November can get quite cold and miserable in London, especially if there is driving rain. It was just such a Saturday morning when I pressed the intercom button at the flat of my friend Suzanne Fisher in Westbourne Park. I heard it buzz inside, but knew from experience that it would be a minute or more before I received any answer. Suzanne had severely impaired mobility and could not walk easily without crutches, and so I waited patiently, hunched against the rain. At last the speaker phone crackled into life.

‘Who is it?’ asked a confident sounding female voice.

‘Hi Suzanne, it’s Tom Evans, I’ve brought your shopping.

‘Tom, you’re a lovely young man, please come in.’

She pressed the button to release the front door and I entered into the lobby of the building and then her flat on the ground floor. Two minutes later I was unloading her purchases on to her kitchen table and placing some of the items in the refrigerator.

‘I’m afraid you’ve caught me just as I was doing my makeup’, she called out from an adjoining bedroom. ‘I hope you won’t mind if I finish doing my face; I won’t be too long. In the meanwhile you can take the money for the shopping from my purse, pour yourself a coffee and come and talk to me in the bedroom if you like.’

Suzanne was in her mid-twenties three or four years older than me, and was my only real friend in London. We’d met six weeks before when she’d allowed the battery of her electric scooter to go flat, and I’d had to rescue her from a local supermarket, and we’d been friends since. As I entered her bedroom she was sitting at a dressing table with a wide assortment of makeup products spread out before her. Two crutches were leaning against the wall. She motioned me to a small bedroom chair adjacent to her, whilst she continued to put mascara on her eyelashes. I sat down and watched for a few moments.

‘Are you just going to sit there staring without saying anything?’ she asked as she continued with her face.

‘Sorry, but I don’t think I’ve ever watched a woman putting on her makeup before,’ I commented for want of something to say.

‘Really?’ she said with an obvious note of surprise in her voice.

‘My mother was a 1970s feminist who used to wear dungarees and bovver boots who rather looked down on women who wore makeup.’

‘I know the type,’ commented Suzanne. ‘Does she still feel the same way?’

‘She died last year.’

‘I’m sorry about that. But didn’t you have any sisters?’

‘No, I was the only child.’

‘Me too! But you must have had girlfriends in the past who wore makeup?’ she said as she put the finishing touches to her eyes.

‘No, I’m afraid not,’ I said blushing faintly at my admission.

I suppose one of the reasons that Suzanne and I got on well together was because there was never any question of a sexual relationship between us, which rather cleared the decks and enabled us to be good friends. It was something that we both knew without having to think about it. Suzanne appeared to sense my embarrassment at her last question and so changed the subject.

‘I love wearing makeup, and used to teach women how to use it properly. It’s the one thing that makes me still feel like a woman since I’ve been confined to a wheelchair and crutches. I may not be able to wear high heels or go out dancing these days but at least I can still make up my face to look healthy and do my hair nicely,’ she said.

‘Yes, you always look great whenever I see you,’ I said.

‘Thanks, but that does involve a certain amount of effort to achieve.’

‘So I see! That’s quite an array of products you have there,’ I said, referring to the top of the dressing table.’

‘I’m afraid those are only the tip of the iceberg,’ she said smiling as she opened two drawers both of which were full of cosmetics.

‘My goodness, what on earth are they all for?’ I asked.

‘Oh they all have their different uses,’ she replied smiling.

---

Suzanne was now brushing her hair, but she turned to look at me.

‘What are you doing for the rest of this morning Tom?’ she asked.

‘Nothing, I’ve no particular plans for today.’

(My weekends in London were always pretty lonely, that’s why I was happy to volunteer to do Suzanne’s shopping for her.)

‘In that case why don’t I give you a makeup lesson, to help broaden your education?’

I hesitated before answering not knowing what to say, so she continued talking in an authoritative tone.

‘Take off your jacket and come and sit here so that you can see what I’m doing,’ she said moving from the stool in front of the dressing table mirror, to the bed.

‘You want to put some makeup on me?’

‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt. You’ve quite an attractive face you know, but it could do with some enhancement.’

‘Won’t it make me look like a girl?’

She laughed at my naivety.

‘Yes, I should think so, and quite a pretty one at that, but don’t worry I won’t tell anyone,’ she said.

I hesitated for a moment before obeying her instruction.

‘Alright then, but you’ll have to promise to help me clean it all off afterwards.’

‘Of course I will.

---

She asked me to pull up the chair that I’d been sitting in so that it was next to the stool in front of the mirror so that we could sit next to one another and so I could either face her or the mirror and began carefully inspecting my face.

‘You have a nice bone-structure and no trace of any beard or Adam’s apple, which would be the main obstacles. You also have a clear complexion and lovely long eye-lashes for a lad. With your face you should really have been a girl.’

‘Thank you for that boost to my male self-confidence,’ I said with a note of sarcasm.

She ignored my comment and continued to scrutinize my face.

‘Alright we’ll begin the lesson by using a cleanser just to make sure there are no traces of grease or makeup left on your face,’ she said rubbing my cheeks with cotton pads soaked in a pink liquid.

‘But I’ve never had makeup on my face before.’

‘I know that; I was just telling you that for next time. Now I’m going to put on some moisturiser, it’ll help to plump up your skin before we put on the foundation.’

I watched in the mirror as she gently spread dabs of white cream over my cheeks, neck and round my eyes and then smoothed them into my skin. It was a pleasant relaxing sensation. Suzanne continued her running commentary on what she was doing, and why.

‘Before we put on your foundation, I think you’ll need a few dabs of concealer under your eyes, and along the bridge of your nose, that way you won’t need to use as much makeup to achieve a nice even skin tone. We’ll have to find a colour that suits your complexion as you’re a shade or two lighter than me.’

She found what she was looking for in the drawer.

‘How come you also have colours that don’t suit you?’ I asked.

‘I used to run a beauty salon before I became sick and had to sell the business. We were always getting free samples of new beauty products. I’ve kept them because you can sometimes mix two colours to create one that does suit.’

‘Oh, I see,’ I said, for want of any more intelligent response.

‘So now we come to the foundation, which is probably the most important cosmetic for any girl. Choosing the right shade can be hard to do on your own. If you’re not sure then you should always seek advice from a friend.’

‘But why is she referring to me as if I were a girl?’ I thought to myself, but said nothing.

Suzanne began to apply some dots of a skin-coloured liquid on my forehead, nose, chin and cheeks, and gently began to blend them together using a small sponge. She then told me to continue with the task.

‘You won’t need to apply much foundation, but it’s important to blend it in evenly to begin with. Work from the centre of your face outwards paying particular attention to your hairline and jaw-line,’ she said as she demonstrated the technique.

‘Do I really need to know all these details?’ I asked.

She sighed.

‘Just humour me, Tom; it takes me back to the time when I was fit and healthy and gave makeup lessons.’

‘Alright, I’m sorry, I won’t interrupt you again,’ I said, feeling a little guilty about my complaint.

‘In any event, the knowledge might come in handy to you sometime.’

‘I doubt it.’

‘Now take your time and make sure that you do it properly. Once you’ve blended it in, gently press the tips of your fingers over your face - the heat will help the blending process.’

She showed me what to do, and then asked me to try it for myself. I followed her instructions.

‘That’s good, now I want you to take the hand mirror over to the window and carefully check your face in the natural light, as it’ll show up any lines or other problem areas.’

I went over to the window as instructed.

‘My skin looks evenly toned to me,’ I answered, at last entering into the spirit of the exercise.

‘Great, now before you sit down again, I would like you to open that cupboard for me, inside you’ll find a brown wig on a block.’

I found what she wanted and handed it to her. She put it on one end of the dressing table.

‘That’s for you to wear after we’ve finished with your makeup.’

‘I’d assumed as much.’

‘Alright, now we’ll brush on some loose powder to set the foundation, and apply a little blush later on, but only after we’ve finished doing your eyes and lips. Are you alright to begin again?’

‘I suppose so,’ I replied, and once again took the seat in front of her mirror.

‘Now Tom, applying eye make up properly takes practice and there are a few things which you’ll need to bear in mind when deciding which colour eye shadow to wear.’

I didn’t respond not knowing what she wanted me to say. But she continued with her lesson regardless.

‘You have grey eyes, like me, so we’ll look out for a combination of three colours to suit them. Choose your primary colour first. This will be the one that you apply to your eyelid, but remember you don’t want your eye shadow to deflect attention from your eyes themselves, which is a mistake that some girls make, so we’ll go for a medium shade.

She selected a pastel grey-blue eye-shadow cake.

‘Now shut one eye, and using the eye shadow brush apply the colour to your eyelid, working upwards from the lashes to the crease of your eye’, she said demonstrating as she did so.

‘Would you like to try with the other eye?’

‘Alright then’

I did my best to follow her instructions.

‘That isn’t too bad, but I’ll just need to finish off for you.’

She neatened off my initial attempt.

‘We now need to apply the lightest shade to the outer half of your brow bone just below your eyebrow. It’ll open up the look of your eyes. If possible the entire area should be covered in one movement.’

Again she demonstrated on one eye and let me try on the other, but once again she had to neaten off my attempt so that each eye matched the other.

‘Don’t worry everyone is a little ham-fisted to begin with.’

I didn’t respond, not knowing what to say, so she continued with her commentary.

‘Now shut and then open each eye in turn.’

I did so.

‘Do you see the crease? We can deepen your eyes by applying the darker eye shadow to that crease.’

Once again she demonstrated on one eye and handed me the applicator to do the other.

‘Applying eye shadow is a skill you have to learn and will take you a little while to perfect.’

‘So I see,’ I said as she again repaired my last clumsy effort.

‘Now I’m just going to darken and shape your eyebrows a little, and also pluck out one or two stray hairs.’

‘Please don’t do anything that’ll still be noticeable after I’ve taken it all off.’

‘Don’t worry, nobody is going to notice if you’re missing a few eyebrows and they’ll soon grow back’ she replied.

‘I hope you’re right.’

---

Having removed a few hairs with tweezers she went over the remainder with an eyebrow pencil, darkening them and giving the brow more of an arch shape. My eyes were beginning to gain in definition and stand out more.

‘Next comes your eyeliner, which is available in both liquid and pencil form. I suggest that you use pencil to begin with as you can end up putting on too much liquid if you’re not careful. You need to draw a thin line as close to the base of your eyelids as you possibly can. You should start at the inside corner of your eye and work outwards. It can be rather fiddly at first, but if you find it difficult to complete in one line, short strokes can be used. I’ll do it for you today as we don’t want to spoil your eyelids, but you can do it next time.’

Next time?

I followed her instructions to close each lid in turn whilst she drew the line.

‘For the bottom lids you go in the opposite direction to the top eyelids. Again I’d better do it for you on this occasion, but if you promise to be careful I’ll let you put on your own mascara.’

‘That is big of you,’ I replied with a note of sarcasm which she ignored.

‘We use the mascara to give your lovely long eyelashes a fuller look and make them stand out. Insert the wand in its container and turn it a couple of times before pulling it out, making sure there are no blobs or lumps. Now carefully apply it by running the brush along your top and bottom lashes, away from your face.’

Again I followed her directions and appeared to make quite a good job of my eyelashes. In fact it was quite a pleasurable sensation.

‘Good, we’ll give your lashes a few minutes to dry and then you can apply a second coat to help to make them appear thicker. Afterwards, we’ll gently go through them again with an eyelash comb to separate any that have stuck together and remove any clumps that may appear.’

Once my eye lashes were finished and scrutinized by Suzanne I stared at myself in the mirror, and was amazed at the difference in their appearance.

---

My teacher now turned to the matter of my lips.

‘We’ll have to think carefully about your lipstick colour and finish. I think darker tones should complement your overall colouring. Matt lipsticks give a muted finish for everyday makeup, but on this occasion we want you to look glamorous and so I suggest a satin finish.’

I shrugged my shoulders, I’d now gone beyond the point where arguing or even contributing an opinion would have been any use.

‘I suppose you know best,’ I said.

‘You should begin by dabbing on a small amount of lip balm to give your lips a little moisture,’ she said handing me a stick.

Once I’d finished, she selected a dark red container from one of the dressing table drawers.

‘I’m going to draw a thin line along the edge of your lips with a lip liner that is a shade darker than your lipstick. Notice how I start at the centre of the upper lip and work outwards. I’m keeping to the outer edges to make your lips look fuller. When we’ve finished I’ll apply your lipstick to the remainder of your lips using a small brush.’

‘Alright then.

‘Now purse your lips so that they are both coated evenly,’ she said, indicating with her own lips what I should do.

‘Do you mean like this?’ I asked.

‘Good girl! This is another thing that’ll become second nature with a little more practice,’ she said.

Finally she handed me a tissue to blot the lips removing excess colour and to even out the texture.

‘Remember you’ll probably need to touch up your lips after having a meal or a cup of coffee.’

‘Do I put on the wig now?’ I asked, beginning to be anxious to see the overall effect.

‘No, not yet, I’m just going to put some blusher and give your nose a dab or two of face powder, but we have to be careful not to overdo it at this stage.’

She used a large makeup brush and lightly stroked the blush over my cheek bones, and then gently applied some loose powder to my nose with a puff and then brushed off the excess.

‘Face powder is another thing we have to keep an eye on during the day, especially your nose, which can appear to become shiny after a while. That’s why we carry powder compacts in our handbags, so we can do a quick repair job as necessary,’ she observed.

She really was treating me like one of her former customers.

---

At last it was time to secure the wig. I had a respectable amount of hair of my own, and so Suzanne provided me with a nylon wig cap to hold it in place. Then she held the wig from the back and carefully drew it over my natural hair until it sat neatly in place.

‘This is synthetic wig, but quite an expensive one, so it looks and feels like the real thing, but also holds it style after it has been washed.’

‘I would never have known that it wasn’t real,’ I commented.

She adjusted it to make sure it was straight and then adjusted the Velcro straps under the hair at the back so it sat firmly in place.

‘That should be secure enough indoors, but you can always clip it to your own hair if you ever go out on a windy day.’

She proceeded to brush the long brown hair into a style.

‘Alright madam, I think that is you done, so what do you think?’

I stared at my image for nearly thirty seconds in the mirror before responding.

‘It’s amazing,’ I said.

Suzanne smiled triumphantly. ‘Yes you have turned out looking much better than I imagined.’

‘But I look just like a young woman’ I commented.

‘You don’t ‘look just like a young woman’, you look like a photographic model,’ she commented.

I blushed but also had to smile at my reflection.

‘In that case would you mind taking a photo of me with my mobile phone before I get cleaned up?’

‘No, not yet. We can’t leave the job half done when you look so good. Let us stop for some lunch and then I’ll find you some of my clothes to wear this afternoon, and maybe we can do something about your finger nails as well. Once that is done I’ll take some proper photographs of you with my digital camera.’

I thought for a moment before agreeing to her plan.

‘Very well then, I suppose I have no other commitments today.’

‘Good, you’ll find there’s some ham and grated cheese in the fridge. If you’ll kindly make us a couple of toasted sandwiches and a fresh pot of coffee, I’ll start sorting out something for you to wear this afternoon. By the way, what shoe size do you take?’ she asked.

‘Six, I’ve always had rather small feet.’

‘Brilliant, you take the same size as I do. See, I told you that with your looks you should have been a girl.’

Suzanne completes the task she began
and I am surprised and quite pleased with the results

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 2

Finishing the job

After we’d finished eating our lunch and I’d cleared the dishes, Suzanne invited me to touch up my lipstick and to check whether my nose required further face powder, using her dressing table mirror. Once I’d made the necessary repairs I was instructed to come to her spare bedroom where she’d laid out a matching set of dark blue lingerie and a brand new pack of stockings for me. There was also a pair of pink furry slippers on the floor by the bed.

‘Here, you can be putting on these underclothes whilst I go and find you a suitable dress and some jewelry to wear. You can fill the bra cups with these,’ she said, pointing to a pair of old stockings which she’d part-filled with rice, and knotted, which were on top of the dressing table.

‘They’re the right weight and consistency for real breasts, and the knots will create the outline of a nipple inside the bra. We’ll have to make sure that the dress you wear doesn’t have a very low neckline. It’s lucky that we seem to take the same size in clothes.

‘Alright,’ I said, beginning to warm to the prospect of wearing something really nice for once.

‘Don’t put on the stockings for the time being as we’ll need to de-fuzz your legs first,’ she continued.

‘Aren’t you bothered about me wearing your clothes?’

‘No, not at all, I’ve lots of clothes which I’ll never have opportunity to wear again now that my condition has worsened. I’m just pleased to see them being used once again.’

‘Alright then, if you’re sure that you don’t mind,’

---

I followed her instructions regarding the lingerie and suddenly found that I’d acquired the shape of a young woman. A few minutes later Suzanne struggled into the room on her crutches carrying a long grey silk dress over her arm, which she lay down on to the bed. I was wearing the filled bra and the knickers, but was still working out how to put on the suspender belt.

‘You’ll have to give me a hand with this Suzanne, I’m afraid I’m not very knowledgeable about women’s underclothing’ I admitted, blushing.

She laughed.

‘I didn’t think women wore suspenders and stockings nowadays,’ I continued. ‘My mother never wore anything remotely like this.’

‘Oh dear, what a sheltered life you’ve lived Tom!’ she said laughing. ‘But you are right, tights have replaced suspenders for everyday wear, although we want you to look really glamorous on this first occasion.’

I wasn’t sure about the significance of the word ‘first’ but I didn’t argue the point with her. She showed me how to put on the belt and then tuck the four suspenders inside my knickers before helping me to put on and straighten a short petticoat.

‘Your legs have a nice shape and aren’t particularly hairy for a young man’, she commented, running her hands up them, ‘but we’ll have to de-fuzz them together with your armpits, just to be on the safe side.’

‘Is that really necessary?’ I asked.

‘Oh yes, you’ve come this far in your quest and we’re not going to spoil the effect with hairy legs. In any event, having smooth arms and legs will make you feel more confident.’

‘Quest? What quest?

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, realising that nobody would know other than Suzanne and myself. If I were absolutely honest, I might even admit to enjoying myself, at least it was preferable to sitting in my bedsit, surfing the internet. I therefore let her show me how to use a hair removal cream.

‘It feels wrong to be calling you Tom now that you look the way you do, if you don’t object I’m going to start calling you Clare and referring to you as she whilst you’re dressed as you are.’

‘Alright, as long as you call me Tom again as soon as I’ve changed back. But why Clare?’ I asked.

‘You remind me of someone with that name, that I used to know.’

---

By now the hair removal cream was covering my legs, arms and armpits.

‘I want you to stand and wait for ten minutes whilst it does its job, and in the meanwhile I’ll find you some more clothes to wear.’

Whilst I was waiting, Suzanne sorted out a pair of high heeled shoes which she also brought through to the spare bedroom. At last she decided that my legs and arms were ready and showed me how to remove the bulk of the cream with a spatula and then wash off any remaining traces.

---

‘See Clare, your arms and legs now look and feel lovely and smooth and there’s no trace of any soreness.’

‘I just hope that nobody notices,’ I replied.

‘But Clare we want people to notice, that is the whole idea of your wearing stockings,’ she joked.

I blushed.

‘I meant at work, next week.’

‘I doubt if anyone will notice your legs if you’re wearing trousers, and, in any event, what difference would it make if they did?’

‘One of my colleagues, Debbie, is quite nosey and she’d be bound to ask me why I’d shaved my legs.’

‘In that case you should tell her that it helps you to improve your swimming.’

That sounded pretty lame reason to me; I’d just have to hope that she didn’t notice.

---

We then sat down together and Suzanne explained to me how to put on a new pair of stockings without laddering them. There seemed to be so much to learn.

‘Gather together the leg potion in both hands, slip your foot into the toe, then gently draw the stocking over your leg. When taking them off, do the same thing but in reverse. It cuts down the snagging hazard to a considerable extent. Once they are on straight you should attach them to the suspenders.’

I followed her instructions, and then put on the slippers.

‘So how do the stockings feel on your legs?’

‘I must admit they do feel very nice and silky,’ I said as I ran my hands along my legs.

‘Yes, of course they do’, said Suzanne. ‘Now come back to my bedroom and we’ll see if we can do something with your finger nails.’

---

I held out both my hands for Suzanne to inspect.

‘Your fingers aren’t bad, given that you used to be a guy, but you’re going to need some acrylic extensions before we put on the polish.’

‘Are you sure that they’ll come off?’

‘Yes, don’t worry, there’s a special acetone solution which is used to soak them off. It takes about twenty minutes’

‘Alright as long as you know what you are doing.’

---

The next quarter of an hour was spent by Suzanne in cleaning, shaping and buffing my nails, pushing back the cuticles and removing dead skin.

‘This all seems to be rather a rigmarole, given that it’s only for one day,’ I commented.

‘Maybe so Clare, but for once I’m really enjoying myself so please humour me, and I promise that you they’ll look absolutely beautiful when I’m finished,’ she replied with feeling.

I didn’t have the heart to object further, and, in any event, I was now quite looking forward to seeing the finished job.

---

Suzanne found a set of nail forms in her drawer which she shaped, trimmed and filed to fit over about a third of each of my existing nails. As each one was finished she painted on a primer to the nail surface. Whilst we were waiting for my left hand to dry, she started on the right. As soon as each nail was dry she put some adhesive on the underside of a new tip and gently attached it to about one third of my natural nail, rocking it into place and then holding it for a few seconds, also pressing gently at sides to ensure maximum bonding. Once each extension was secure, she shortened and shaped the tips and sides and blended the overlap as far as possible in to the natural nail surface with an emery board.

‘These extensions should now be as strong as your natural nails’ she said, brushing away the dust. ‘We now apply a coat of resin to your nails and the tips, followed by a puff on to them with a coat of polymer powder, and another coat of resin. Finally I’ll use a spray activator which causes a chemical reaction to harden the surface and disguise any sign of the join.’

‘As long as it all comes off without leaving any trace behind.’

‘Don’t worry, Clare, you’ll be fine.’

---

She carried out each of these actions on each nail in turn. I said nothing but just watched in amazement as I gradually acquired a set of long, smooth and shapely finger nails.

‘Now for some nail varnish,’ continued Suzanne in a matter of fact way. ‘I always use a base coat first. It evens out the nail and prepares it for the coloured lacquer. We’ll have to wait until this is completely dry (not tacky) and then paint your nails with one straight line going from the base to the tip on either side and then another down the middle. Re-dip the brush if you find it dragging along the nail.’

She used a nail varnish that matched my lipstick.

‘I’m afraid you’ll now have to sit and do nothing for a while, waiting for them to dry fully. In the meanwhile would you mind if I pierce your ears as I don’t have any suitable clip-on earrings.’

‘Is that really necessary?’ I felt duty bound to ask, although I knew what her answer would be, before doing so.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so, Clare,’ answered Suzanne. ‘It’s one more visible detail that’ll make you look a little more convincing.’

‘But won’t that leave a mark?’ I said.

‘Yes, but only for a little while, until the holes close up again. In any event lots of young men wear studs in their ears these days.’

I sighed, not wishing to spoil her fun.

‘Alright then, I’ve let you come this far, and so I suppose you had better finish the job,’ I said.

‘Exactly, you’re beginning to get the right idea,’ she said, giving me a nice smile.

---

Ten minutes later Suzanne had wiped my ears with antiseptic, then frozen them with ice cubes before piercing them with a sterilised needle and inserted two dangling earrings.

‘Now that wasn’t too painful was it? I’ve sprayed the holes with brine which acts as an antiseptic. If you want to keep them, I can give you some studs to wear after you’ve taken them out.

‘I just hope you know what you’re doing,’ I said.

‘Of course I do, I’ve pierced hundreds of ears in my time. As I told you, I used to be a beauty consultant,’ she answered, as she attached a matching pendant to my neck.

‘Can I see what I look like now?’

'Wait a minute, I’ll just spray on a little perfume for you and then we'll need to check how are your nails are doing.’

I spread out both my hands to display immaculately lacquered nails.

‘I think they’re probably dry by now.’

‘Alright then, I’ll help you to put on the dress but be careful not to touch anything as the varnish probably still needs a little more time to harden and it will be a pain if we have to do them again!

Leaning against the dressing table, Suzanne helped me to step into her long grey dress and zipped it up at the back for me. She then put on a simple gold bracelet on to each of my wrists.

‘Now slip on your shoes and we can go and look in the full length mirror in my room.’

Suzanne gestured to a pair of high-heeled sling backs, and helped me to put them on so that I wouldn’t spoil my nails.

---

I was a little unsteady wearing high heels at first but after a few steps I managed to retain my balance.

‘Well Missy, so how do you feel now that you’re really beginning to look like a girl?’ asked Suzanne as we stood looking at my reflection.

I took a minute or two before answering.

‘I’m not sure what to say. It feels a little strange to be wearing these clothes and makeup. The high heels are also a little bit tiring for my feet, but I quite like the feeling of the long hair and having these lovely long finger nails. However, the main thing is that I can’t get used to how I look.’

‘Yes, you do look lovely, even for a girl. I’m very pleased with my efforts today,’ said Suzanne. ‘How about your arms and legs, are they at all sore?’

‘No, in fact it’s quite a pleasant sensation to have them smooth, and to be wearing stockings.’

‘What about your earlobes?’

‘They’re a little sore, but it’s also a nice sensation to feel the earrings move when I move my head,’ I said, smiling.

Suzanne smiled as well.

‘It sounds as if you’re beginning to think like a woman, as well as look like one,’ she commented

I blushed a little then smiled.

‘Thank you Suzanne, I must admit I’ve had a novel but quite enjoyable experience today.’

‘Good, I hoped that you would think that way. Now it’s time for us to take some photos with my digital camera?’

‘Alright, you may do so but you must promise not to show them to anyone without my permission.’

‘I promise, but I suspect you may be quite proud of the results.’

---

Suzanne took several shots of me alone in various poses and then using the self-timer she also took a number of the two of us together. I also took a couple of Suzanne.

‘I think we are both naturally photogenic,’ commented Suzanne as we later inspected the results on her computer, but you’re the true beauty.’

I blushed and said nothing.

---

It was now nearly five o’clock in the afternoon. My transformation had taken nearly five hours.

‘You know, there’s no reason why you have to change back straight away Clare. How would you like to stay here for dinner tonight? I have plenty of ready meals in the freezer and I would love to have your company.’

‘Alright then as long as you promise to help me get changed back before I do leave tonight.’

‘The only thing is that we’re going to need a bottle of wine and something for a dessert, I don’t suppose you would mind going across the road to the convenience store for me?’ she asked.

‘I can’t go out to the shops dressed like this,’ I said.

‘Well, with all that makeup and those finger nails, you can hardly go out in your own clothes without anyone noticing’, she replied. ‘But I suppose you do look a little too glamorous to go to the local store. What if you were to change into a more conservative dress and some sensible shoes, and put on my winter coat you’ll look like any other smartly dressed young woman.’

‘But I’ll give myself away as soon as I open my mouth,’ I replied.

‘Clare, or perhaps on this occasion I’ll say Tom, have you ever heard a recording of your voice recently? It’s quite high pitched for a young man and could easily pass for a woman’s voice.’

‘No one has ever commented on that before.’

‘That’s because people hear what they expect to hear. They see a young man standing in front of them and accept that the voice is a man’s, but if an attractive young woman were to be standing there then they would accept the same voice as being a woman’s. There have been a couple of occasions when you’ve spoken to me on the phone, that I started by mistaking you for a woman.’

I blushed, realising that my friend was probably speaking the truth and there had been one or two embarrassing incidents in the past where other people had assumed I was a woman over the phone.

‘In any event you probably won’t even have to say anything, just take the purchases to the counter and pay in cash.’

I hesitated for a moment before answering.

‘Alright then, if you’ll find me something more suitable to change into.’

---

Ten minutes later I’d changed into a shorter dark red dress and some more comfortable medium-heeled shoes.

‘You can wear these clothes this evening, if you want.’

‘Alright then, I should hate to drop food on your lovely long dress, but wouldn’t it be safer for me to wear flat heels to go out?’ I asked.

‘No, we don’t want you walking like a man do we?’ answered Suzanne. ‘You’ll need to be conscious of how you walk as this could give you away just as much as your mannerisms or your voice. Remember to take small steps rather than strides, and that you’re no longer a guy.’

‘I can’t easily forget that with all this makeup on, but I’ll do my best,’ I replied.

‘Here, take my purse, and you’ll find my winter coat is hanging by the front door’, said Suzanne.

‘No that’s alright I can pay,’ I said.

‘No Clare, you’ve been such a good sport today that I want it to be my treat. In any event, I also want you to buy me a new toothbrush whilst you’re there.’

‘Alright then, any particular make or colour?’

‘I’ll have a pink one, if they have one, but otherwise it doesn’t really matter.’

---

Half an hour later I’d returned with the purchases, feeling quite pleased with myself.

‘Did you’ve any difficulties?’ asked Suzanne, as I came in again.

‘No, none at all; I don’t think anyone recognised me as a man.’

‘Of course not; I told you so.’

‘People seem to be friendlier to young women than they are to young men. The shopkeeper called me ‘love’, and one guy held open the door for me.’

‘So what did you do?’ she asked.

‘I just smiled sweetly at him, and he blushed,’ I answered laughing.

‘So you appear to have enjoyed your first trip out as Clare?’

‘Yes, I suppose I did,’ I admitted, blushing a little as I did so.

---

After taking off Suzanne’s coat and stowing the shopping I offered to help finish preparing our meal as the exertions of the day appeared to have tired her out. By 6.30pm I’d laid the table and we were about to share a class of wine.

‘So, have you enjoyed yourself today young Clare?’

‘Yes, I suppose I have, once I got used to the idea,’ I replied.

‘I thought so. In that case let us have a toast - to Clare,’ said Suzanne, raising her glass.

‘To Clare and Suzanne,’ I corrected.

‘Alright then - to Clare, Suzanne and their continued friendship.’

Suzanne asks me for a favour
but I’m not confident enough to agree to it

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 3

A request

I don’t remember ever having had such a pleasant evening as I did with Suzanne on that Saturday night. We didn’t do anything special, just shared a tv-dinner and a bottle of wine and got to know one another a lot better. Sometimes women talk to one another not primarily to exchange information but rather as a means of bonding. I told her about my childhood, my mother’s death last year and how I’d travelled down from Newcastle to find work in London. She in turn told me about her own childhood in Melbourne, Australia and the business that she used to run before she became so ill. It was a relaxed and friendly conversation; nobody dominated the discussion or attempted to impress the other — just two girl-friends chatting together.

‘You seem to be enjoying yourself this evening, Clare,’ my new friend commented at one point

‘I am; it is a long time since I had such a relaxed and pleasant time,’ I replied.

‘So no regrets that I transformed you into a young lady for the day?’

‘Not as yet, as long as no-one else finds out.’

‘I was wondering whether you’d consider spending some more time as Clare at some future date,’ she asked tentatively.

‘What do you have in mind?’

‘Maybe we could go to the cinema together sometime, or you could come round for a meal again?’

I thought for a little time, inspecting my beautifully painted finger nails, before responding.

‘I suppose I wouldn’t mind, if you’re willing to provide the clothes and help me with my makeup once again,’ I answered a little hesitantly.

She smiled.

‘In that case, does Tom have anything planned for next Saturday?’ she asked.

‘No, Tom’s weekends tend to be fairly uneventful. As a rule he goes out shopping, catches up with his laundry and any housework and then spends the rest of the time reading or surfing the web.’

‘I’ve had an idea during the course of the evening where Clare could perhaps help me.’

‘Go on,’ I said.

‘Perhaps I need to begin with some background explanation. As you know I’ve been suffering from a form of muscular dystrophy for the last few years.’

‘Yes, I am sorry. Is there no prospect of an improvement in your condition?’ I asked.

‘No, I’m afraid not, not for the type of disease that I have, which is genetic, My muscles will get progressively weaker as my condition worsens. In fact I’ve recently learned that the disease is beginning to affect my heart and lungs and so it is possible that I don’t have more than a few months left to live.’

‘Suzanne, I’m so sorry, I’d no idea it was that serious,’ I said, quite shocked by the revelation.

Suzanne shrugged as if it were one of those things we had to put up with.

‘Yes, life is unfair isn’t it? Muscular dystrophy is just one more thing that I appear to have inherited from my mother, along with her looks and a little bit of her money. But at least I should retain my mental faculties to the end, and I would hate to spend several years as a bedridden cripple. The main thing is for me to keep active and independent for as long as I possibly can or else I’ll end up in a home with a load of geriatrics for the last few months of my life, and I can think of nothing worse than that.’

‘A nursing home for old people! But you’re only a few years older than I am,’ I said in surprise.

‘I know, but the Health Service doesn’t get that many terminally ill patients, who are still in their twenties. There’s a lack of long-term care facilities for people like me. That’s why it’s so important for me to stay active and in my own flat for as long as possible.’

‘Yes, I understand,’ I said, not knowing what else to say. Suzanne always seemed to treat her condition in a matter-of-fact way.

‘I could afford to pay for someone to come in and do my housework for me, but I can still manage relatively light weights and I’m determined to fend for myself for as long as I can. I could even have my meals delivered, if I wanted them, but I prefer to cook and clean for myself. These days I order most of my shopping online and only occasionally do I have to ask anyone to help out.’

‘Well if Tom can ever be of any help, you always have his mobile phone number,’ I answered.

It seemed odd referring to myself in the third person, in this manner, but at that moment I truly felt like he was a different person.

‘Yes, thank you. I appreciate that,’ she continued.

‘But what does this have to do with next Saturday?’

‘I’ll be entertaining a couple of women friends and need some moral support. They’re planning to go abroad for a year soon after Christmas and have been trying to persuade me to move into a nursing home before they leave, but they don’t seem to realise that it would be the worst fate possible for me.’

‘Surely it’s up to you what you do?’ she asked.

‘Yes of course it is, but now they are talking about changing their plans for my sake, and I really don’t want that to happen. Somehow, I need to be able to convince them that I’m going to be alright continuing to live here on my own, and that when the time comes I’ll be able to make my own arrangements for my care.’

‘In what way would I be able to help?’

‘Some time ago I told my friends that I have two relatives living in the UK: an aunt and her daughter Clare, who is a few years younger than me — in fact about your age. I said that they would be able to keep an eye on me and help out in case of any emergency. It was a white lie as my only surviving cousin is in Australia and we’ve had no contact with one another for many years. I’m now wondering if you would be prepared to come to the dinner on Saturday and pretend to be my cousin Clare?’

‘But you can’t expect me to try and impersonate a young woman in front of your friends,’ I said in some alarm.

‘I don’t see why not!’ she answered. ‘You’ve made a most attractive and convincing young woman so far today, and have even been down to the convenience store across the road without giving yourself away. I’ll lend you my long wig and a dress and help you to get ready again.’

‘But Suzanne, there’s a lot of difference between spending a few minutes at the local shop and several hours in the company of your friends. I would be bound to give myself away during the course of the evening, and then you would be in a worse position than before.’

‘Clare, I’ve spent most of the day with you and, honestly, I keep forgetting that you were ever a young man. If you did give yourself away then of course I’d explain that it was all my crazy idea, but I really don’t think you would do so. In any event we’ll have all next Saturday for you to practice.’

‘So what would I be expected to do as your cousin?’ I asked.

‘Nothing much, just come along, eat your food and pretend to be my cousin from the Midlands who has come down to London to make sure that I’m managing alright. I only need to demonstrate that you exist to put their minds at rest.’

‘I may look like a girl and even sound one, but I don’t think or act like one, and that’s what would probably give me away.’

‘No, not if you’re careful. You’ll only have to act the part for a few hours, and, as I said, we’ll have all day for you to practice.’

‘I don’t know Suzanne, of course I would like to help you, if I can, but I don’t think that I could keep up the pretense for so long.’

‘Please Clare, you did offer to help me in any way you could just now.’

‘I believe I offered Tom’s help,’ I said a little guiltily.

Our conversation died and an awkward silence ensued, but Suzanne wasn’t prepared to leave things like that and after a few minutes she responded.

‘I have a suggestion to make: why don’t you stay as Clare in my spare room tonight. Tomorrow we’ll go out together to have lunch in a restaurant that I know in Covent Garden and then you can take me in my wheelchair around the market during the afternoon. If anyone recognises you as a young man, or even acts a little oddly towards you, then I promise that I’ll forget all about my plan for next week.’

‘And if I’m not recognised?’ I asked.

‘Then we’ll discuss my idea again tomorrow evening, after you’ve gained a little more confidence.’

‘I can’t go back to my flat for my bedclothes, dressed like this.’

‘Don’t worry about that, Clare, I’ve everything you’ll need for tonight including a brand new pink toothbrush.’

I sat quietly for a few minutes thinking about the implications of Suzanne’s request. I’d enjoyed my evening and wasn’t particularly anxious for it to end, but she was asking a lot of me. My friend said nothing more, not wishing to push things too hard.

‘Alright then I’ll see how we get on tomorrow, but I’m not promising to go through with your idiotic idea next week,’ I replied eventually.

‘Good, come with me through to my bedroom, I’ll show you how to remove that makeup and then we’ll find you some night clothes to wear.’

---

The following morning I awoke in Suzanne’s spare bed with a number of strange sensations. My legs, arms, and hands all felt different, and there was a slight ache in my earlobes. I opened my eyes to find that I was wearing a pink nylon nightdress, and noticed that my long painted finger nails. I then remembered the events of the previous day and smiled at the recollection. I looked around for my clothes, but could find no trace of them I must have left them in Suzanne’s bedroom, and she seemed to be still asleep. She had however left out a towel, dressing gown and clean set of female underwear on the chair by the dressing table for me. I thought about Suzanne’s request from the previous evening. How could I refuse a request from someone with less than a year to live? On the other hand it seemed a crazy scheme that was bound to be found out. Yet the idea of being able to pass successfully as a young woman also intrigued me. I had at least agreed to a dry run today, although in retrospect this too seemed a bit of a rash thing to promise. But if it was going to work then I’d have to learn to walk, talk, act and even think of myself as Clare from this point onwards.

---

I got up and took a shower then carefully dressed myself in the new underclothes. These were not quite so ‘girly’ as those I’d worn the day before and included a pair of tights rather than stockings. I inserted the breast forms into the cups of the bra and then slipped on a camisole top. I now had a choice between continuing to wear the dressing gown that Suzanne had left for me or else the dark red dress which I’d worn the previous evening. After a moment’s thought I chose the latter and put it on. It was a little fiddly to zip up behind and to hook the eye at the top as I was unused to having such long finger nails. Finally I sat down in front of the dressing table and put on the wig as Suzanne had shown me the previous day, and brushed it into a style.

I then inspected the various items of makeup that Suzanne had given to me the previous evening. I didn’t feel confident enough to attempt do my face properly without her guidance, but I did at least put on some lipstick and mascara, just to show willing. Once I was finished I put on the pink slippers and went to the kitchen to prepare us some breakfast.

---

Suzanne emerged from her room on her crutches half an hour later to find that I’d made us coffee and toast.

‘Good morning Clare, it would seem that you’re still willing to go ahead with my suggestion for today?’ she said.

‘Actually, I was beginning to wonder whether this is such a good idea and whether I might have got a bit carried away after a couple of glasses of wine last night.’

‘Oh please don’t say that when you’ve already made a pretty good job of getting yourself dressed.’

‘Alright I’ll do my best at being Clare for today, but remember that I’m not making any promises about next week,’ I answered.

‘That’s all I ask of you. After breakfast I’ll take my shower and in the meanwhile I want you to show me how much you learned from my makeup lesson yesterday.’

‘Alright, but you’ll have to check me over and make any repairs before we leave,’ I said.

‘It’ll be best if you start with a clear canvas so make sure you remove the makeup you’ve put on this morning and moisturise your face. Also make sure that you wipe the holes in your earlobes with antiseptic.'

'I'll do my best.'

'That's all I ask from you.'

---

When Suzanne came into her spare room carrying a dark blue jersey dress an hour later, I was still trying to put on some eyeliner, but had made a fairly good job with the other cosmetics.

‘Here you are young lady, you can wear this, together with my spare winter coat, and some medium heels.’

‘I’m afraid I’ve not done too well with my eyes.’

‘So I see, but everything else is alright, and it’ll come with more practice.’

Suzanne quickly repaired the damage, and then drew the line around the edge of my lips.

‘If you finish off your lipstick and mascara and get yourself dressed, I’ll sort you out a purse and a handbag for you.’

---

Ten minutes later Suzanne returned.

‘How do I look?’ I asked.

‘Not bad for a novice,’ said Suzanne, but then changing her mind she said, ‘actually, Clare you look lovely.’

I blushed, but it was nice to receive such a compliment.

‘Now remember to try and walk in the way that I told you, without taking big steps. You’ll not have the high heels to help you in this respect.

‘My goodness, there are so many things that might give me away.’

‘The odd slip up probably won’t be noticed, but the overall impression you give is important. However don’t worry, I’ll tell you if you do or say anything that’s likely to give you away.

‘Thanks.’

Suzanne handed over a black leather handbag.

‘This is for you to use. Make sure you take your lipstick, powder compact, mascara, and some tissues. You’ll also find a purse containing sixty pounds, as I want you to pay the taxi driver and for the meals.

---

‘Do you have everything you’ll need?’ asked Suzanne as we waited for the taxi to arrive.

‘I believe so.’

‘Are you ready to face the world as Clare.’

‘I suppose so, but you’ll have to try and remind me if I do or say or do anything out of character.’

‘I’ll use the word ‘awkward’ as our private code to mean ‘mannish.’ So if I tell you that you’re walking or talking ‘awkwardly’ then you’ll know what I mean. If I use the word ‘nice’ it’ll mean feminine. So if I say that you look ‘nice’ or are walking ‘nicely’ then all is well.

‘Alright, I’ll do my best to have a ‘nice’ time.’

‘Don’t worry Clare, you look and sound the part, I’m sure you’ll do very ‘nicely’ and nobody will guess.’

‘I hope so.’

---

Suzanne had booked a minicab to collect us at midday. It was a company that she regularly used as they could cope with her folded wheelchair and the driver knew her well.

‘Hi Suzanne, you look very smart this morning where would you like to go?’ he asked as he helped her into to back of his cab.

‘We’re going to Covent Garden, Joe, next to the transport museum. By the way, this is my cousin Clare.’

The driver smiled and said hello to me and I acknowledged his greeting He helped Suzanne into his cab and loaded the wheelchair then proceeded to drive us to our destination.

‘So what are you ladies up to today?’ he asked cheerily.

Suzanne prodded me to indicate that I should answer.

‘We are going to have some lunch and then look around the market stalls for Christmas gifts,’ I said.

‘You girls do love your shopping,’ he said in a jokey, but patronising manner.

It occurred to me that he was reacting quite differently to me as Clare than he would have done as Tom, which I suppose was just as well. We carried on a friendly three-way conversation throughout the twenty minute journey, before Joe dropped us off at our destination and helped Suzanne into her wheelchair. As requested, I paid him.

‘Thanks love, now you have a nice day ladies.’

Suzanne smiled, and I blushed.

‘We would like you to pick us up here again at four o’clock please,’ I said as he was about to leave.

‘It’ll be my pleasure, dear,’ he replied.

---

‘Well so far so good, I didn’t notice any awkwardness there,’ I commented as he drove off.

‘No it all went very nicely,’ said Suzanne as I pushed her unpowered wheelchair towards the market.

---

In fact the remainder of the day went remarkably well; Suzanne was always good company despite her disability, but seemed to respond to me particularly well as Clare. Our relationship as girl-friends was different, and somehow warmer and more relaxed than it had previously had been. We ate a leisurely lunch in a restaurant with good wheelchair access and then I pushed Suzanne around the various stalls where we made a few purchases. We both had cause to talk to a number of people during the day and no-one seemed to take any particular notice of me other than to compliment me on my looks (particularly if they were trying to sell me something). I wasn’t aware that anyone thought there was anything odd about me or my demeanor. I was also able to try on a silk scarf and sample some perfume without a trace of embarrassment. Gradually as the afternoon went on I became more confident about my appearance and my voice and so I began to engage the stall keepers and waiters in conversation. I began to appreciate the fact that I could be more talkative with strangers in my new role, than I could ever have been dressed as Tom.

‘How am I doing?’ I asked Suzanne as we stopped for a coffee whilst waiting for our taxi to arrive.

‘Very nicely my dear, but be a little careful when you’re talking to young men or else they may get the wrong idea and think that you fancy them,’ warned Suzanne.

‘I suppose I still have a lot to learn about presenting as a woman.’

‘Yes, but don’t worry, you’re doing fine.’

‘I must say that I’ve had a good time during my weekend as Clare.’

‘I thought you would do so. How would you feel about coming to my dinner party next Saturday night?’ asked Suzanne.

‘You promise not blame me if I give myself away,’ I replied.

‘No of course not, so long as you gave it your best effort.’

‘Alright then, I’ll agree to go along with your plan, but I do think that we both must be mad.’

‘Thanks so much, Clare,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek. ‘As soon as we get home we can make our plans.’

‘Alright but remember that you’ve promised to help me to become Tom again afterwards,’ I replied.

Suzanne and I get ready
to entertain her guests

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 4

Dinner preparations

The next four days were fairly uneventful for me after the novelty and excitement of the previous weekend. Suzanne had done her best, as far as possible, to return me to the condition in which she’d found me on the previous Saturday morning. She successfully cleared away all traces of the acrylic nail tips, and, as it was winter, I was able to ensure that my shaven arms and legs would remain covered. The one thing I couldn’t hide, however, was my pierced ears. I suggested that we should let the holes close up, but Suzanne insisted that Clare would need them again the next weekend and told me to wear the studs at night and two tiny pieces of clear nylon fishing line to keep them open during the day. We just had to hope that nobody would notice, and certainly nobody at my work passed comment, if they did so. It was fairly busy at the office that week and on a couple of occasions, I worked late, which was helpful as I wished to leave early on Friday afternoon. In fact, by Thursday afternoon I’d clocked up sufficient extra hours for my boss Karen to agree that I could leave at lunchtime the following day.

---

Suzanne telephoned me on Thursday evening, as she’d earlier promised to do.

‘Hi Tom, I trust we’re still on for Saturday evening? I’ve told my friends that my cousin will be staying for the weekend.’

‘I guess so, although I still have my reservations about what you’re planning to do,’ I replied.

‘Don’t worry, you’ll be alright as long as we both prepare ourselves properly. Can you come round to my place after work tomorrow and stay the night, so we have plenty of time to get ready?

‘Yes, I suppose so. Actually I’m having Friday afternoon off work and so I could arrive any time after about 2.30pm.’

‘That’s brilliant, please come as early as you can. Will you also still be able to stay over until Sunday evening again?’

‘I hadn’t really thought about Sunday.’

‘I hope you can. If all goes well, I should like to take you out to celebrate our success.’

‘And what if all goes badly?’ l asked

‘Well in that case you can take me out to commiserate.’

‘I could stay, if you wish as I’ve nothing else planned and it’ll inevitably take a few hours for me to change back to Tom after the dinner.’

‘That’s agreed then. I’ve been sorting out my spare bedroom and have found some more clothes for Clare to wear. By the way how are your ear lobes feeling?’

‘They’re alright, I think. They were a little sore for a couple of days but now I have no trouble putting in and taking out those studs that you gave me.’

‘That’s good, because I’ve found just the right pair of earrings for Clare to wear with my long grey dress on Saturday night. We’ll do as much of the basic preparation as soon as you arrive on Friday afternoon and evening which will leave you plenty of time to get into character and for us both to make ourselves look glamorous on Saturday afternoon.’

‘What do I need to bring with me?’

‘Nothing at all — just bring yourself with as few clothes as would be necessary to avoid pneumonia, adverse comment on the underground or arrest in the street. There must be as little evidence of Tom around the flat as possible. Also, from the time you arrive until the time you leave, there must be no reference to anyone except my cousin Clare.’

‘Very well, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon,’ I answered laughing.

---

‘Are you planning to do anything special this weekend Tom?’ asked my colleague Debbie, as I was getting ready to leave work on Friday lunchtime.

‘I’ll be staying with my friend Suzanne, the one who suffers from muscular dystrophy. I’m helping her to organise a dinner party on Saturday night,’ I answered.

‘That’s very noble of you. Who will be doing the cooking?’

‘Suzanne can still manage to cook by herself, I’ll just be the helper.’

‘So you’ll just be acting as kitchen maid and waitress?’ she asked.

‘Something like that,’ I answered, blushing.

‘In that case, you can tell me how it went on Monday, there’s only going to be the two of us in the office in the morning so we’ll need something to talk about,’ she said as I left.

On the way home I wondered whether there was any significance in her choice of the feminine forms in her questions to me. Did she suspect something or was I just being paranoid? Was there something in my looks or manner that had given her a clue to our plans, or was it just a fluke? Would it matter if she did know about Clare? After all, she’d previously made it quite clear that whilst she was happy to be friends with me, there would be nothing else between us.

---

I arrived at Suzanne’s flat at the promised time having first been home and changed into some jeans, a t-shirt and jacket. I was carrying a bunch of flowers and a bottle of white wine.

‘Here you are Suzanne; these are for your dinner party tomorrow.’

‘Tom I thought I told you not to bring anything.’

‘Yes I know, but these are contributions from Clare rather than from Tom,’ I said pointing to the label on the flowers, which contained that name. ‘She wanted to thank you for last weekend.’

Suzanne smiled.

‘In that case you’d better come in and get changed so that I can thank her in person for offering to help me this weekend,’ she replied.

I entered the flat.

‘I’ve put out some clothes and cosmetics for you in the spare room,’ said Suzanne. ‘I should like you to get changed and put on your makeup straight away. You’ll find a small suitcase next to your bed, please put the clothes that you’re now wearing inside and then leave it outside your bedroom door, and I’ll lock it away in my bedroom so there will be no danger of it being found.’

‘You just want to make sure that I don’t have any last minute attack of nerves,’ I said smiling.

‘Well that’s also a factor! By the way, will we need to de-fuzz your arms and legs again?’ she asked.

‘No, I had a bath last night and did them myself using a safety razor’ I replied.

‘What a clever girl you are?’

‘No I’m a guy when I’m dressed like this, remember?’

‘Sorry, but you had now better get yourself changed into a girl as quickly as possible.’

---

An hour and a half later I emerged from the bedroom dressed in a silk blouse, black skirt, tights, slippers and the earrings, I’d previously worn. I’d also brushed the hair of Suzanne’s wig into a simple style.

‘I’ve done my best with my eye makeup but I think I’ll need your help again tomorrow.’

‘Hmm, your eye shadow and the mascara are acceptable but the eye liner isn’t quite right, but don’t worry it’ll come with practice. Your foundation and your lips look good though,’ she commented.

‘Thanks, I bought myself some mascara and a lipstick after work on Monday and have been trying them out at home in the evenings’ I replied, blushing a little, but pleased with the compliment.

‘I thought your eyelashes looked a little fuller and darker than they did last week, but there was really no need for you to buy anything. I could have provided you with everything you might need. I’ve masses of cosmetics, most of which have never been used and I’ll not live long enough to use them.’

I changed the subject, not wishing to dwell on the future.

‘I’ve also been studying the way that women walk, both at work and on television and I’ve been practicing.’

‘Good, but be subtle, don’t accentuate the differences too much.’

‘Will you also help me to do my finger nails again?’ I asked in a matter-of-fact way

‘Yes of course, we can do them this evening as soon as we’ve eaten dinner. I must say Clare you’ve made a pretty good job with your appearance today,’ she commented.

'So you think that I look quite nice,' I said with a smile.

'Very nice indeed.'

---

Over dinner Suzanne briefed her ‘new cousin’ about everything I might need to know concerning Clare’s background. From time to time I would ask her for clarification, and I made some notes of the key facts.

‘Your name is Clare Alice Simpson; you were born 13th October 1983 (so that means you’re just twenty-three years old). ‘You were born in Melbourne Australia but came to this country as a baby (which explains why you don’t have an Australian accent). You currently live with your mother at 162 Station Road, Loughborough in Leicestershire. Have you ever been there?’

‘Actually yes, I have two cousins living at a place called Shepshed, which isn’t very far away,’ I said. ‘I stayed with them last summer and we went into Loughborough shopping on a couple of occasions.’

‘That’s lucky because I’ve only been there once myself and I’m fairly sure that neither of my friends knows the town.’

‘But do I look old enough to be twenty-three?’ I asked Clare.

‘I think so, you certainly look a year or two older as Clare, than you used to do as Tom, especially when you're dressed up and wearing makeup,’ answered Suzanne. ‘Your mother is named Helen; she was the younger sister of my late mother who was called Elizabeth. You work as a secretary and receptionist for a small company in the town. We don’t know one another very well and have only met on a couple of occasions when we were children.’

‘Do I have a boyfriend?’

‘That’s up to you to decide. I’ve told you everything that I’ve already said to Christine and Eleanor and so you’re welcome to fill in the gaps as you choose. If they ask you any question to which you don’t know the answer, then you’ll probably be fairly safe to invent one. However, I would advise you not to get too carried away and to try and keep your story as simple as you can so you don’t get caught out.’

‘Alright but I think you’d also better explain to me what I’m doing here this weekend,’ I said.

‘Your mother has recently heard that I’ve been ill. You were planning to come down to London for another reason (you can decide what this is) and so your mother has asked you to make contact to see how I am and if there’s anything they can do to help. When you telephoned me last week suggesting that we meet, I told you about my dinner party and invited you to stay for the weekend. Can you remember all that?’

‘Yes I think so. I’ll try to portray her as a quiet little mouse with a boring life,’ I replied.

‘No, not too boring! Remember that you look fairly attractive and sophisticated as a girl, so it would be natural for you to be fairly self-confident as well,’ said Suzanne smiling.

‘In that case maybe I ought to invent a boyfriend for myself.’

‘Perhaps it would be better if you were just getting over the break-up of a relationship, that way they’ll not ask you too many questions about him.’

‘Very well, I’ll do my best,’ I answered.

‘Just one last thing, you can use the handbag that I loaned you last weekend, which is in your room. Have a quick look to familiarise yourself with what is inside. When you go to the bathroom, remember to take your handbag and refresh your lipstick. You’ll also find a purse with a chequebook and bank debit card in the name of Miss C.A. Simpson. You’ll find the signature is quite straightforward and easy to copy. If you get the opportunity, I would like you to write out and hand me a cheque during the course of the evening,’

‘Why is that?’

‘After you’ve given it to me I’ll put it up on the mantel piece where the others would be able to see. It’ll be just one more means of confirming your identity, if there’s any doubt in their minds.’

‘Suzanne, why do you have a bank account in the name of a fictitious cousin?’

‘It’s a long story — but a few years ago I needed to live under a false identity for a few weeks to prevent a former boyfriend from finding me, and so I opened an account in the name of Clare Simpson, who was a couple of years younger than me. In those days it was far easier to open new bank accounts than it is now and they didn't ask for multiple proofs of identity. I’ve never had cause to close the account and so I use it for financial transactions from time to time.’

‘Is that legal?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know, but as long as the account doesn’t go into the red and I don’t try and cheat anyone using it, then nobody is likely to find out,’ she replied.

---

After dinner Suzanne again attached the acrylic extensions to my finger nails and then carefully polished them so that the joins were not visible.

‘It’s best for us to do this now so at least you can spend some time getting used to them before tomorrow evening. I know they’re a little bit awkward to wear, but they do make a lot of difference to the appearance of your hands.’

‘So I see. I must admit that they do feel quite 'nice, as well,’ I said admiring my outstretched hand. ‘What else would you like me to do for you tomorrow?’

‘Would you be willing to do some last minute shopping for me in the supermarket in the morning, whilst I begin to get the meal ready?’

‘I suppose so, as long as you’ll check out my makeup and hair before I go.’

‘Thanks, and when you return you can help me to organise the room and lay the table.’

---

The following morning I was washed, dressed and ready to go out by 10.00am, and my hair and makeup only required a little remedial action by Suzanne.

‘You’re becoming quite competent with your makeup, and I get the distinct impression that you enjoy making yourself look pretty,’ commented Suzanne.

‘Maybe, just a little,’ I answered, blushing.

---

The trip to the supermarket proved to be fairly uneventful. There were plenty of people around, but nobody seemed to look at me in an untoward way, just the occasional admiring glance from young men as I passed. At first I found this to be a little disconcerting, but then I told myself it was something which all girls experienced to some degree. I spent a little time at the makeup counter, without the intention of buying anything, but to get an idea of the range of products on sale. This was something I’d never be able to do without embarrassment if I were dressed as a young man. When it came to the checkout I paid by means of the switch card in Clare’s name, which Suzanne had provided, entering her pin number. I then carried the shopping home. It wasn’t far, but with the shopping bags I wished I’d chosen to wear some lower heels.

Once I returned to the flat I helped Suzanne to prepare the dishes and get her flat ready for the dinner party. By half past four all the preparations for the dinner that could be carried out in advance were complete: the meal was safely cooking in the oven and the table had been laid.

‘Alright young lady, it’s time for us to help one another to get ready for the ball. Please will you clean off your makeup with this cold cream, take off the wig and then hop into the shower, I’ve already laid out your clothes for this evening on the spare bed. When you’ve finished in the shower, get yourself dressed as far as your underclothes and then I’ll come and help you to put on your makeup.

I did as I was instructed, once again inserting the false breasts into my bra and putting on the lingerie, this time without any difficulty. Whilst I waited for Suzanne to take a shower and get dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror in the spare bedroom. I wasn’t wearing any makeup or a wig, just the dark blue underclothes and a pair of stockings and some slippers, but there was no doubt that I looked like a young woman. As I did so, I wasn’t aware that Suzanne had appeared at the bedroom door in her underclothes, and had been watching me examine my reflection.

‘You make quite an attractive young woman, even without the makeup,’ she commented.

‘As long as I can convince your friends.’

‘How are you feeling now?’ she asked.

‘A little nervous, but I suppose I’m alright. How about yourself?’

‘I’m ok thanks. Now Clare, are you sure that you’re willing to go ahead with my plan?’

‘Well I’ve come this far and so I may as well go through with it now,’ I answered.

‘As I said before, I’m really grateful to you, and who knows you may even have a good time this evening?’

‘I’ll decide about that after your visitors have left without having discovered my true sex.’

‘Alright then, sit yourself down and I’ll help you to put on your wig and some makeup.’

---

Despite her recent loss of mobility, and difficulty in lifting weights, Suzanne was still perfectly competent in the use of makeup and hair styling, and so over the next two hours she transformed both herself and myself into glamorous young women, once again explaining what she was doing at each stage. Suzanne also loaned me some long dangling earrings, together with a matching necklace and bracelet, and then helped me to put on the long grey dress and matching high-heeled shoes. I in turn helped her to put on her own bright red dress. In spite of her condition she still could look good.

‘So what do you think of yourself now Clare?’ asked Suzanne when we were finished.

‘I think we both look amazing!’ I said once again looking at myself in disbelief.

‘Well you certainly now look and sound the part, and with my perfume you also smell like a woman as well,’ commented Suzanne. ‘It’s now up to you to make sure you act like one as well.’

‘I promise to do my best both to act and also think like a woman,’ I replied.

‘Good, I believe you’ll do well this evening,’ said Suzanne patting me on the hand.

Next time: Suzanne's dinner party

Suzanne’s dinner party

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 5

Dinner at eight

Eleanor and Christine arrived at about seven o’clock armed with a bottle of wine and a large bunch of flowers. They were a couple of single women in their late twenties or early thirties who lived together, presumably in a lesbian relationship, although nobody actually said so. They’d been friendly with Suzanne for several years, and had stuck with her during her prolonged illness. Neither of them was at all mannish in her looks or deportment. In fact, in common with Suzanne, they both seemed to get pleasure from dressing up and looking nice.

Suzanne let them in to the flat using her automated door phone, whilst I was checking on the progress of the meal in the kitchen. As soon as I heard their conversation in the hall. I took a quick glance at myself in the kitchen mirror, just to make sure that I still looked alright, and took a deep breath.

Well, here goes! I thought to myself as I emerged, smiling.

‘This is my cousin Clare, from Loughborough, who will be staying with me for a few days,’ said Suzanne to the newcomers.

‘Hi, Clare,’ they both answered in unison, as they took off their outdoor coats.

‘I really like that dress you’re wearing, Clare,’ said Eleanor as we shook hands.

‘Thank you, it is nice, isn’t it, but I’m afraid it belongs to Suzanne and is only loaned to me for this evening. I’d no idea that I was going to be invited to a posh dinner party during my brief visit to London, or else I’d have brought something of my own to wear,’ I answered.

‘Yes, now you come to mention it I think I have seen it before, but it does suit you, all the same,’ she continued.

‘That’s exactly what I said,’ added Suzanne.

I smiled and blushed slightly at the compliment.

‘We organise these dinner parties from time to time; it gives us a chance to put on our best frocks, and also to have a gossip together,’ said Christine as we shook hands.

‘It sounds like good fun,’ I replied as I began to take the guests’ coats from them and hang them on the hooks by the front door.

‘Would you like me to deal with these flowers Suzanne?’ I asked, glad of any opportunity to withdraw from the limelight for a few minutes.

‘Oh yes please Clare, you’ll find a vase under the sink, but be careful not to splash water on my dress.’

‘Don’t worry! I promise to be careful.’

I picked up the bottle of wine and the flowers and took them through to the kitchen, whilst the others continued talking together. I put on Suzanne’s apron and began arranging flowers. This was one traditional feminine skill that I’d learned from my mother, and so five minutes later I was able return with quite an attractive arrangement, which I placed in the middle of the table, moving my own flowers from the previous afternoon to the sideboard. The others had clearly begun to discuss ‘my cousin’s’ medical condition.

‘So how have you been feeling this week Suzanne?’ asked Christine.

‘I’ve been pretty good for the last few weeks, thank you. The doctor tells me that my condition is currently in remission and that if I carry on this way I could well have a year or more of reasonably active life left to me,’ she said in a matter of fact way.

I looked across at her, knowing that what she’d just said was a lie.

‘But there’s still no prospect of any cure?’ asked Christine.

‘No, I’m afraid not. I lost any hope of that many months ago, and am now resigned to getting the most out of my remaining years of my life and making the best of the time left to me.’

Again, I realized that this was probably an exaggeration.

‘That’s why we’re both feeling so guilty about leaving you just now, but we have been waiting for the opportunity to go together for so long,’ said Christine.

‘I know, and you mustn’t feel guilty. You have your own lives to lead, and I know that you’ve been planning this trip for several years. In any event, you’ll only be gone for one or two years, and I’ve every intention of still being around when you get back and hearing all about your adventures, since I’ll never be able to travel again.’

‘We can keep in touch by phone and email and I suppose we could always come back if you needed us,’ added Eleanor.

‘Yes please do keep in touch, but I assure you that your offer of returning early will not be necessary.’

Then, wishing to change the subject, Suzanne turned towards me.

‘Clare, the dinner still has half an hour to cook, would you be an angel and get everyone a glass of wine whilst we are waiting.’

‘Of course,’ I answered smiling, glad of yet another excuse to withdraw from the conversation.

---

I poured the drinks, and later discovered that I would be expected to stand in for my ‘cousin’ as the practical hostess for the evening whilst Suzanne looked after the conversation. This suited me well as I could get on with things whilst the others continued their talking. I didn’t remain entirely in the background, however, and during pauses in the conversation I asked both of the visitors about their plans for Voluntary Service Overseas for the next year, where they were going and what they hoped to do whilst they were there. They, in turn, asked about my background and I added some more detail to the basic outline that Suzanne had given me. Neither of the visitors appeared to be suspicious of any of my answers.

‘So what is it that brings you up to London this week Clare?’ asked Eleanor.

‘I’m looking for a new job. I’ve recently ended a relationship with a work colleague that seemed to be going nowhere and I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic living and working in Leicestershire. At first I thought I might try for a job in Birmingham, but that’s not far enough away to make a real break with the past, so I’ve decided to come down to London for a few days to see if I can find a suitable job. My mum made me promise to call in to see Suzanne whilst I was here, and, when I got in touch, she kindly offered to let me stay with her for a few days whilst I see what work is available.’

’That seemed to go down quite well,’ I thought.

‘What sort of work are you looking for?’ asked Christine.

‘General secretarial work - a personal assistant - that sort of thing. I might even consider a receptionist, but I’ve a few years of experience and have pretty good keyboard and computer skills,’ I answered. ‘I’ll start off by registering with a temp agency and then try and find somewhere to live.’

‘You shouldn’t have too much trouble finding suitable office work in central London, but finding decent and affordable accommodation may be more of a problem,’ commented Christine.

(I should perhaps explain to my readers that this was five years ago when such jobs were relatively easy to come by in London.)

Eleanor agreed with her friend with respect to the shortage of decent and affordable accommodation. Suzanne seized the opportunity to join in.

‘If you do get yourself a job, Clare, then you would be welcome to stay with me for a while, until you find something of your own. We seem to get on together and we could come to some arrangement over the rent.’

Christine exchanged a glance with Eleanor. I could see that they both approved of the idea.

‘Thanks for the offer, Suzanne,’ I said. ‘I may even take you up on it, at least until I can find myself something a little more permanent. However, I’ll have to see whether I can find a suitable job before committing myself.’

‘Well the offer is there if you wish to take it up.’

I smiled and thanked her. Things seemed to be going according to plan, and Suzanne appeared to be quite pleased with my performance so far.

‘By the way, here is a cheque for the forty pounds that you loaned me this morning when I went out shopping.’ I continued opening the handbag that she'd given to me.

I took the already completed cheque and handed it over, as previously arranged. Suzanne smiled and thanked me, and then asked Christine if she would mind putting it on the mantel piece for her for the time being. The name, Clare A Simpson, could easily be seen, if either of our visitors chose to look.

---

The remainder of the dinner went well. I served and our two guests helped to clear the table. Suzanne was an imaginative and capable cook, even though she sometimes now needed help in the kitchen. The conversation between the four of us gradually became more relaxed and friendly, oiled by wine. I deliberately restricted myself to a single glass in case I should let my guard down; and thereafter I stuck to drinking bottled water. The others seemed not to notice and shared a second bottle of wine and the beginning of a third, before having a liqueur with their coffees. Towards the end of the evening Suzanne asked me to fetch her camera and I took several pictures of the group, including one with me as well, using the timer. Eventually, at about 11.00 pm the two visitors offered to help with the washing up before they left.

‘No it’s all right thanks; we don’t want to spoil our dresses. Clare has kindly offered to help me with the clearing up tomorrow. You two can call yourselves a cab and get ready to leave.’

‘Alright then, as long as you’re both sure that’ll be ok,’ said Eleanor.

‘Yes of course it will,’ I said, ‘Suzanne did most of the cooking, so I’m happy to do the washing up, as long as it can wait until tomorrow morning.’

‘Alright then, but in return, why don’t the two of you come to our place for lunch tomorrow, it’ll save you having to prepare anything for yourselves?’ suggested Christine.

Eleanor nodded in agreement but I quickly answered for us both without even consulting Suzanne.

‘Thank you for the offer, but I’m afraid I’ve already arranged to take Suzanne out to lunch tomorrow as a ‘thank you’ for putting me up, and we’ve booked a table at a restaurant.’

‘That’s a pity,’ said Christine, what about the following Sunday?’

‘That will be fine by me, how about you Clare?’ answered Suzanne.

‘No I’m afraid I’ll be back in Loughborough before then, I’ve only taken a few days off work to have a preliminary look around London.’

‘Alright then, we’ll see you next Sunday then Suzanne.’

---

Ten minutes later the taxi had arrived. I fetched their coats and the two friends were just on the point of leaving.

‘Goodbye Clare, it has been so nice to meet you, and I hope you find a good job soon and decide to take up your cousin’s offer. Christine and I would be much happier to know that someone is keeping an eye on her,’ said Eleanor.

I smiled and thanked her.

‘I don’t need anyone to keep an eye on me’, commented Suzanne. ‘I only made the offer so that I could keep an eye on Clare and make sure she comes to no harm, if she does decide to move to London.’

‘Well in that case you can keep an eye on each other,’ said Christine.

‘We’ll have to see how things work out, but it was nice to meet you both,’ I answered, briefly exchanging a kiss on the cheeks with the two departing guests.

---

As soon as our guests had left I let out an audible sigh of relief.

‘Well Suzanne, so how did I do?’ I asked with a satisfied smile.

‘Clare, as you know perfectly well, you were brilliant. Not only were you lively and interesting company but I’m also sure that neither of them had the slightest suspicion about your origins,’ said Suzanne smiling.

‘Thank you, I must admit to being rather pleased with the way things went tonight, but I was anxious all the time that I might let down my guard and say something to give myself away. Do you mind if I have another drink of wine now to calm my nerves?’

‘Not at all, I’m not feeling particularly sleepy and so we can finish the bottle together.’

Suzanne poured me a drink and then one for herself.

‘I’m sorry that I stepped in and refused their offer of Sunday lunch tomorrow, but I thought it might be more difficult to keep up the pretence in broad daylight.’

Suzanne laughed.

‘Don’t worry, I can just as easily go the following week, but what was all that about going out to a restaurant tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne.

‘I just needed to think of an excuse quickly.’

‘Alright but I’m sure you would have been just as successful if we had decided to go. You’re much better than I ever expected you to be when I cooked up this crazy scheme. Where on earth did you learn to act so well?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t know really, but once I got in to the character it just seemed to come naturally to me; it was almost as if I’d become another person. I think the fact that I looked and sounded the part also helped,’ she replied.

‘Yes, you do look and sound like a girl; most of the time that you’re dressed as Clare, I tend to forget that there ever was a young man called Tom,’ added Suzanne.

‘I suppose I should accept that as a compliment,’ I said blushing a little.

‘It was meant to be one. Tom is generous and kind but Clare strikes me as having a livelier and more interesting personality.’

I wasn’t sure whether I should feel flattered or upset by Suzanne’s comment so I sought to change the subject.’

‘Well your friends appear to have accepted our explanation of my presence in London.’

‘Yes, that was also a good story of yours about coming down to look for a new job, I even began to believe it myself.’

‘But won’t they now want to know what happened to me the next time they meet you?’

‘Yes probably they will, but they’re both scheduled to leave the country in early January and so I’m sure that I can make up some convincing story about you starting work in London at about the same time as they leave.’

‘As long as you will truly be alright living on your own once your friends have left,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry about me, Clare, I’ll be fine. I’m determined to stay independent for as long as I can,’ she answered.

‘I suppose Tom only lives a few streets away and he could pop in from time to time.’

‘Or indeed Clare would be welcome to come and stay, whenever she wants.’

‘It’s a pity that you don’t have a young cousin who could share your flat with you and keep an eye on you,’ I said.

‘Well there could be a vacancy for anyone who was prepared to live under the name of Clare Simpson, if you were interested in taking on the role,’ said Suzanne looking seriously into my eyes.

‘I don’t think so, thanks all the same,’ I answered dismissing the idea. ‘I may have been able to get away with being Clare for one evening but it would be a different matter to do it full-time, and in any event I already have a job and a flat, and what would I tell my father?’

‘Well the offer is open for a while if you ever want to reconsider,’ said Suzanne smiling.

It was an intriguing thought, but not a realistic one, so I didn’t answer, and Suzanne changed the subject

‘What are you going to do now young lady? I take it that you’re going to stay the night again and get changed in the morning?’

‘Yes please, I can’t very well go back to my flat dressed like this, just in case I should meet with one of the neighbours’. In any event, I’ve already promised to help you with the clearing up tomorrow.’

‘Good, in that case let us both get ourselves ready for bed and we can decide what we’re going to do tomorrow morning. The wine is beginning to have its effect on me. Will you need my help in getting undressed and removing your makeup?’

‘No I think I should be alright tonight thanks.’

‘In that case I’ll say goodnight Clare, and thank you again for all your help this weekend!’ said Suzanne holding my hand to steady her and then kissing me on the cheek.

‘Goodnight Suzanne, and thank you for inviting me to such a delicious meal with your friends.’

She smiled and made her way slowly to her bedroom.

It took me more than three quarters of an hour for me to clean off my makeup, moisturize my skin, remove my earrings (replacing them with the pair of studs) and get changed into the nightdress which Suzanne had provided for me. But as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell fast asleep.

---

I had two particularly vivid dreams that night, or at least two which I was able to remember clearly afterwards. These were no doubt the result of all the nervous energy that I’d expended during the course of the evening. In my first dream I was dressed only in the lingerie loaned to me by Suzanne but was in the playground of my old school. Inevitably I was feeling both exposed and embarrassed about the way I was dressed especially as there were lots of people there whom I knew from my childhood. I could also see my mother and father standing at the school gate. Yet nobody seemed to be taking any particular notice of me or my attire. In my second dream, I was dressed in a beautiful long white ball gown, had long styled hair and immaculate makeup. I was at some form of social gathering, talking happily to my three colleagues from work, who were dressed up as well. Suzanne was there too, sitting at a table nearby, but looking happy and healthy. Once again, nobody appeared to react strangely towards me or see anything particularly out of the ordinary in my appearance.

The day after the dinner party

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 6

Sunday lunch

I woke up at 7.00 am the next morning and lay in bed for some time recalling my dreams from the previous night, trying to work out what they meant. The first one had started out as a typical ‘anxiety dream,’ but in the end was just strange. I was half-dressed in women’s underwear, yet nobody took any notice of me and my initial worries disappeared. In the second dream, I’d looked good, felt good and was completely accepted by my friends and colleagues. I assumed this was due to my having passed so successfully at the dinner party the previous evening. I recalled the events and conversation of the previous night and was pleased that I hadn’t let Suzanne down.

I was still not used to the feeling of my smooth and hairless legs and arms against the pink satin of the nightdress that I was wearing. It was a nice feeling, although my ears also felt different and ached a little. I sat up in bed and touched my ears, realising that they had a pair of studs in them, and then I looked at my finger nails and noted how beautifully shaped and lacquered they were once again. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror of the dressing table. It struck me how feminine I looked, even without the long wig or the padded bra, both of which were lying in front of me on the dressing table together with various items of makeup left from the previous night.

I emerged from the spare bedroom and surveyed the remains of our dinner party from the previous night, which I’d promised to help clear up. There was no sound of Suzanne in the flat, so I took the towel, flannel and toothbrush that I’d been given when I arrived on Friday afternoon and went to take a shower.

Fifteen minutes later I’d finished my shower and started to look for some clothes to wear. Suzanne had taken away Tom’s clothes on Friday afternoon and had them locked away in her room. There were however, quite a number of Suzanne’s things which she had transferred to the spare room and had informed me that I was welcome to wear. I put on the underwear from the previous night as it had been worn only for a few hours and then looked for something that wasn’t too girly in the bedroom drawers, as I intended to do the clearing up and didn’t want to spoil any of her nice clothes. Eventually I found a black pair of slacks, a pink, jumper, some white socks and the pink furry slippers that she had previously loaned to me. Once I was dressed I began to clear up the mess that we’d left behind the previous evening. By the time I’d finished doing so there was still no sign of Suzanne waking, and so I went back to the spare room, and put on some lipstick mascara and a little eye-shadow. By 9.30am the dishwasher had completed its cycle and after putting everything away I was feeling quite hungry, so I started to make some coffee and toast. It must have been the smell of the coffee which finally roused Suzanne.

‘Hi Clare,’ she said, coming from her room with the help of her crutches. ‘I’d not realised that I would be seeing you again today.’

‘Well, if you remember, you hijacked all of Tom’s clothes on Friday and I didn’t feel comfortable walking round in a frilly night dress.’

‘I’m sorry, I’d forgotten all about them, but if you’ll just give me a couple of minutes to get up and go to the loo and I’ll join you for some breakfast, then Tom can have his clothes back.’

For some reason we had both gotten into the habit of referring to Tom in the third person whenever Clare was around.

---

Ten minutes later we were sitting down to breakfast together, with Suzanne in her dressing gown and myself, fully dressed.

‘Thank you very much for doing all the clearing up for me, Clare, I was feeling pretty tired after all of our efforts last night.’

‘And after all the wine that we drunk,’ I answered laughing. ‘I woke up quite early this morning and was feeling really alert so I thought I might as well make a start on the dishes.’

‘I must say you’ve dressed yourself ‘nicely’ again this morning, Cousin Clare,’ continued Suzanne with a slight emphasis on the word ‘nicely’. ‘Why you’ve even put on some makeup and some earrings.’

‘I was worried in case someone should come to your door.’

‘I see,’ she said, sounding unconvinced.

I tried to think of something to say in reply, but was unable to do so.

‘So what are we going to do today?’ asked Suzanne as she drank a second cup of coffee. ‘After all your efforts yesterday, I think you should decide.’

‘As it’s quite a nice day outside, why don’t I treat you to that Sunday lunch that I mentioned last night,’ I suggested.

‘That would be very nice, thank you. Where would you like us to go?

‘I suggest we go somewhere nearby; that is, if you know of anywhere suitable for your wheelchair.’

‘There’s an Indian restaurant in the High Street that runs a buffet on Sundays and which isn’t too expensive.’

‘Alright then.’

I was relieved by the words ‘isn’t too expensive’; Suzanne knew that I didn’t have a lot of money left over after paying my rent each week.

‘But tell me, will I be going out to lunch with Clare or Tom?’ asked Suzanne.

I hesitated for a moment knowing what I wanted to say, but in the end copped out.

‘I don’t mind, I’ll leave it to you to decide whom you would prefer to go out with,’ I answered.

Suzanne appeared to think hard before answering.

‘On balance, and since you’ve given me the choice, I think I’d prefer to go out with Clare again, as long as Tom will not be upset by my decision. Tom is a too young to be my boyfriend and conversation with him can be a little bit stilted, but I really enjoyed my cousin Clare’s company as we were getting ourselves ready yesterday.’

‘No, Tom will not be upset, as long as you promise to help him to change back later this afternoon,’ I replied with a gentle sigh.

I suspect that she realised that I wasn’t particularly sorry about her choice.

‘Of course I will, and what is more, if you come out as Clare, you may use her debit card that I loaned you last night to pay for the meal.’

‘No Suzanne, this can be my treat.’

‘You can hardly hand over Tom’s debit card when you’re dressed as Clare.’

‘Oh, I hadn’t thought of that, but I could go to a cash dispenser beforehand and withdraw some cash,’ I suggested

‘Please Clare, I can afford it and it’ll be nice to go out with my young cousin. You can do the business of paying the bill, but using Clare’s debit card. After breakfast, I suggest that you put on a dress and some tights and also put on a little more makeup whilst I get myself showered and ready to go out.’

---

Suzanne went to have her shower whilst I found something else to wear and went back to her dressing table where I struggled to make up my face once again. After a few minutes I had to stop to answer the telephone as Suzanne was still washing.

‘Hi Clare, it’s Elaine from last night,’ said a cheerful voice. ‘Is Suzanne there?’

‘I’m afraid she’s still in the shower and will be for a little time yet. Can I get her to ring you back later when she’s fully dressed?’

‘Yes of course, and by the way, it was nice to meet you last night.’

‘And you too,’ I replied.

---

I passed the message on to Suzanne in the shower before returning to the dressing table to continue my struggles with eye-liner. At least I now knew what I was doing and each time I tried I became a little more proficient in using cosmetics and in styling my hair. An hour later I was at last fairly satisfied with my appearance, even without any intervention from Suzanne. I went in to sit with my cousin who was just finishing her own makeup despite having spent half an hour chatting on the phone to her friend.

‘My friends were both most impressed with my young cousin’.

‘That’s nice; I quite enjoyed their company once I’d got over my nerves.’

‘Come over and let me have a look at your face,’ said Suzanne.

I did as I was instructed.

‘Hm! That’s not bad at all, you seem to be becoming proficient, and have not made the usual beginner’s mistake of putting on far too much,’ commented Suzanne as she finished her inspection.

‘Maybe but it always seems to take me an awfully long time,’ I replied.

‘Don’t worry you’ll soon speed up with a little more practice,’ she said in a matter-of-fact way.

---

Suzanne asked me to bring her two winter coats, and to help her to put one on. The other was for me to wear.

‘Now, have you brought everything you might need: lipstick, tissues, powder compact, and Clare’s debit card?’ she asked.

I checked the purse in her handbag and confirmed that I had.

‘The pin number is 5874.’

‘You’re very trusting — what is to stop me from running off with the full contents of the account?’ I asked.

‘Nothing, but you would have to do so as Clare. In any event you’ll find that there’s not a great deal more money in the account and there is a  £300 per day withdrawal limit.’

I’d chosen a pair of shoes for myself with flat heels.

‘I don’t think you should wear those, Clare, until you are a little bit more experienced at going out as a woman. Find yourself a pair of medium heels, as they will tend to make you walk in smaller steps.’

I found a compromise pair of medium-heeled shoes and put them on. At least they weren’t as bad as the high heels I’d worn the night before.

---

At midday we left the flat and took a leisurely stroll down the Portobello Road, with me pushing Suzanne’s wheelchair. The road was crowded but it was also closed to motor vehicles whilst the market was on. It was a cold, but clear and dry day as we visited several stalls and shops in the area. Suzanne was on good form once again, cheerfully chatting to myself and the stall-holders that we met. She even bought herself several items of cosmetics, which amazed me given that she already had so many, and also a pair of gold studs with little blue butterflies. She handed over the memory card from her camera at a photographic shop and ordered two sets of the prints. As soon as they were ready she gave one set to me.

‘There you are, they will be a small memento of your last two weekends as Clare,’ she said.

‘Thank you,’ I said and began to examine the photographs.

They really were quite good. Suzanne owned a good quality camera, and we were both quite photogenic, knowing instinctively how best to pose. I then put them in my handbag.

---

We found the restaurant that could cope with Suzanne’s wheelchair, and were shown to a table in a quiet corner, where our conversation couldn’t be overheard. As it was a buffet style, Suzanne explained to me what she wanted to eat, and I served her before returning to fill my own plate.

‘So how are you feeling this morning, Clare?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Alright I suppose, I’ve had an interesting and enjoyable time looking around the market but I’m still not used to wearing heels and my feet are now beginning to ache.’

‘You just need a little more practice and for your calf muscles to adjust. I must say though that you seem to be much more confident this week compared to last Sunday and continue to make a remarkably convincing young woman.’

‘So I have been behaving ‘nicely’ again today.’

‘Absolutely, I haven’t noticed any trace of ‘awkwardness’ all day.’

‘Thanks. I suppose I am feeling a little more confident after our success last night, but I still have to concentrate in order to act, walk and talk like a woman as it would be really embarrassing to be publicly unmasked.’

‘Believe me Clare there’s not been a single person we’ve met this morning who has doubted your sex for a second. Also, although you were under scrutiny for several hours by Christine and Eleanor last night, neither of them had any suspicions about you. They would have said something to me this morning if they’d done so.’

‘So exactly what did they say to you this morning?’

‘That my cousin seemed to be a lovely young woman and they hoped that you can find yourself a suitable job in London and come and share my flat with me.’

I blushed again.

‘Suzanne, I’m afraid that’s not going to happen, I already have a job and a flat as Tom.’

‘I know that,’ she answered in a subdued voice.

We both sat quietly eating our meals for a minute or two and then we both started to talk simultaneously. I offered to let Suzanne speak first, but she insisted on giving way to me.

‘Suzanne, … although I may have complained about it, I must admit I’ve enjoyed myself as Clare over the last two weekends. If you would like me to stand in as your cousin again at some time in the future, I suppose I would be willing to do so.’

My friend’s face lit up.

‘Really Clare! You have just answered the question that I was about to ask you. In that case would you be willing to take me Christmas shopping in Regent Street one Saturday soon? I honestly believe that this will be my last Christmas and so I want to celebrate it properly.’

‘Yes of course, I’d be happy to do so, but I could just as easily do that dressed as Tom.’

‘No, I’m afraid it will have to be as Clare since you’ll need to help me in the ladies’ changing rooms.’

‘In that case I’ll be pleased to do so, but you’ll have to loan me some clothes, and particularly some more comfortable shoes, to wear for the day’

‘There’s no problem there. What is more I’ll also treat you to some brand new undies as a thank you for everything you’ve done for me this weekend.’

‘So when would you like us to go shopping?’

‘I’d rather not leave it too late. How would Saturday week, the 9th December suit you?’

‘Unfortunately you’ve chosen the only Saturday between now and Christmas when I’m not free. My father and his new lady-friend are going away on a 3-week cruise for Christmas and the New Year and so I’ve promised to spend that weekend with them in Newcastle before they leave. However, I could manage next Saturday or else the 16th December, or indeed any other day in December after that as I have ten days of my annual leave remaining, which together with the Christmas Bank Holidays will mean that I will not have to go back to work until after the New Year.’

‘Alright then Clare, shall we go Christmas shopping next Saturday, before the shops get too busy?’

I nodded. Suzanne continued to look pleased.

‘We’ll need to leave quite early, so perhaps you wouldn’t mind staying at my flat again next Friday evening.’

‘Alright then, but I’ll also have to leave before Sunday lunchtime as you’re due to have lunch with your two friends on that day.’

‘You could always change your mind and join us for lunch, after all the invitation was originally extended to you as well.’

‘Let me think about that over the next week, it might involve difficult explanations, but I’ll be happy to take you shopping next Saturday.’

‘That’s great Clare. As soon as we’ve finished lunch we’ll go out and buy a new set of lingerie for you to wear next Saturday.’

---

We arrived back at Suzanne’s flat at about 4.30pm with various other purchases made during the course of the afternoon. After a quick cup of tea, Suzanne began the process of transforming me back into Tom. She returned my clothes to me and then helped me to remove the makeup and long finger nails.

‘So it’s goodbye for now cousin Clare’, said Suzanne as she began the transition. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you again next week.’

‘Me too,’ I answered.

---

‘Tom, make sure that you keep wearing your studs this week so that you can keep the holes open and we don’t have to pierce your ears again next week,’ said Suzanne, as I was about to leave.

She also handed over the studs that she’d purchased in the market earlier that day.

‘These are for you to put in each night.’

‘Alright, but what do I do when I go in to work tomorrow morning?’ I asked.

‘Surely there must be some other guy at your office who wears studs in his ears?’

‘No, there are only four of us in the office and the others are all women.’

‘I’m sure they wouldn’t object if you were to wear them.’

‘Maybe not, but it would attract attention to me and might give rise to awkward questions.’

‘Well, if you must take them out, do so only at work and put them back in as soon as possible afterwards,’ said Suzanne. ‘I’m only trying to make it less uncomfortable for you next week.’

‘Alright then, I’ll try’ I answered.

‘Just one other thing,’ said Suzanne handing me a small makeup case.

‘What’s that?’

‘Tom, here are various items of makeup and some cleansing pads which I bought for you today. I should like you to practice making up your face just as I’ve shown you. Try to make up your face every night this week until you’re able to do it quickly and proficiently. Then there will be one thing less for us to worry about next weekend.’

‘Suzanne, you bought all these things some time before I even agreed to go out with you as Clare next week.’

‘Yes, I know, I was frantically trying to think of a way of persuading you, but then you volunteered before I’d a chance to do so.’

I sighed.

‘Will you promise to do that for me?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I suppose so, but won’t I also need to have the wig as well’ I replied.

‘By all means, please take it so you can also practice styling your hair as well’

She went into the spare bedroom and came out a plastic carrier bag which she gave to me; inside there were several items of clothing and the wig.

‘What about the clothes?’

‘If you’re going wear the wig as well you may find it easier to practice dressed as Clare rather than as Tom. There are only a few basic items; you must decide whether or not to wear them. Maybe if you do decide to dress as Clare you could contact me on Skype during the week, if your computer has a webcam.’

‘Alright, we’ll see how I feel during the week’, I said.

‘Goodbye Tom, I’m really looking forward to seeing my cousin Clare again next Friday evening,’ she said kissing me on the cheek.

---

I returned to my small bed-sit a few streets away feeling decidedly confused, but I also had the distinct feeling that I had no regrets about my weekend.

What happened to me during the following week

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 7

With Debbie at work

---

I was the office junior at work having only been appointed to a one year contract at the beginning of March, and I was also the only male on the staff. Karen, who was in her early thirties was in charge, Helen who was a few years older was the second in command, and then there was Debbie who was only a couple of years older than me. She worked hard and was good at her job but liked to chat a lot at the same time. She was always keen to discuss what everyone had done over the weekend, although I rarely had much of interest to contribute in return. All the same, I enjoyed my work and got on well with my three colleagues and got the impression that they appreciated my efforts. The main disadvantage with the job had been that I’d not been permitted to take any paid leave until I’d completed my first six months of probation, which meant that I had a sizable chunk of leave entitlement remaining which I planned to take from mid-December, as by then the pre-Christmas rush was over. I’d originally planned to return to Northumberland for a couple of weeks and it was only after I’d arranged everything at work that my Dad informed me that he would be going away for Christmas and the New Year.

I arrived at my job at the usual time on Monday morning, having first carefully taken out the studs from my ears, and scrutinised my face to ensure that we’d removed all trace of the makeup from the previous day. On this occasion our two seniors were out visiting clients and so I had Debbie’s undivided attention, although after various non-committal replies in answer to her enquiries about the dinner party on Saturday, she gave up her attempts at making conversation. Mid-way through the morning, we stopped work for a while to have a cup of coffee. After a few minutes of awkward silence Debbie decided to try again on a new subject.

‘Tom, if you’re going to have pierced ears then you’ll need to put in a pair of studs to stop the holes from closing up,’ she commented in a matter-of-fact way.

I coloured a little, wondering what to say.

‘You’re very observant. I do have a pair of studs which I’ve been wearing at night but they’re a little too ‘girly’ looking for me to wear in the office,’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘I’ve some transparent nylon sleepers that I could put in for you if you wish. Once they’re in place they’ll barely be noticeable, but they will stop the holes from closing.’

I agreed and she found them in a small tin box, which she kept in her handbag. She drew close and started to insert the tiny pieces of plastic into the holes in my ear lobes. As she did so she looked closely into my eyes.

‘If you’re worried about looking girly then why did you pluck your eyebrows?’

My cheeks were now bright red with embarrassment.

‘Your eyelashes also seem to be darker than they were before. Just what have you been doing over the weekend, Tom?’ she demanded.

I sighed, then answered.

‘It’s a long and complicated story.’

Her face brightened up at the prospect.

‘Good! In that case you can tell me all about it. It’ll give us something interesting to talk about this morning, for once,’ she said.

‘If I do tell, you must first promise me not to tell the others.’

‘Alright then, I’ll promise, but in that case you had better give me the whole story before either of them returns.’

---

Over the next hour or so I told Debbie about my last two weekends and even showed her the photos of Clare taken by Suzanne.

‘Tom these are amazing, you look so much like a young woman that I’d never have guessed it was you, or indeed any bloke.’

I was still blushing slightly, but also feeling quite pleased by her reaction.

‘I suppose I did look fairly good by the time Suzanne had finished with my makeup,’ I commented diffidently.

‘And you also managed to persuade two of her friends that your name was really Clare?’ she said a little incredulously.

‘Yes, I believe so, at least they showed no signs of having any suspicions about me,’ I added.

‘That’s such a bizarre story, and what did you feel about it all?’ she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

‘At first I was a little anxious about the idea and was frightened that I would be found out. However, as time went on, I got used to wearing the clothes and makeup and began to relax a little. I even began to feel like a different person and gained in self-confidence, so in the end I had quite a good time during my evening as Clare.’

Debbie smiled and shook her head.

‘Yes you must have enjoyed yourself as you went out in public dressed as Clare on the two Sundays as well?’

‘The first occasion was just a trial to see how I got on and whether I would be recognised. Yesterday Suzanne took me out for lunch to thank me for standing in as her cousin, and to celebrate our success. I must admit to having had a really good time.’

‘Did anyone recognise you then, as you were in broad daylight?’

‘No, I don’t think so. I was aware of some people looking at me, at first, but not in a nasty or sneering way. I don’t believe anyone recognised me as a man dressed in women’s clothes,’ I answered.

‘I would tend to agree with you,’ said Debbie looking at the pictures from Sunday once again. ‘The guys were probably admiring your good looks and wondering what you would be like in bed, and the girls were just sizing you up as a potential competitor.’

I blushed at this thought.

‘In some ways I felt like a different person when I was dressed as Clare, and I also discovered that people are generally nicer in the way they respond to women. They’re chattier and friendlier, and hold doors open for them,’ I replied.

Debbie smiled.

‘You only saw the half of it though, guys also tend to patronise us and expect us to do all the menial tasks in return for a little attention,’ she said ruefully. ‘But I wouldn’t want to swap places with one.’

I continued to blush so she looked at the pictures once more.

‘So you appear to have had a good time as Clare on Sunday as well as the Saturday night?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I suppose so.’

‘And when are you planning to go out as Clare again?’ she asked

‘What makes you think that I shall be doing so?’ I countered.

‘The holes in your earlobes of course, and the fact that you’re still trying to keep them open. You don’t strike me as the sort of bloke to wear one, let alone two studs. That’s what attracted my attention in the first place.’

I hesitated before answering.

‘Suzanne has asked me to go with her Christmas shopping in Regent Street next Saturday. She has asked me to dress as Clare again so that I’ll be able to go into the changing rooms with her and help her to try on some clothes.’

‘In that case why don’t you come into work one day before Christmas dressed as Clare? We could see whether Karem and Helen recognise you.’

I shook my head.

‘I’m sorry but you can forget about that idea; remember that I’ll be using up the remainder of my leave from 12 December. In any event, the clothes I wore belong to Suzanne, and I don’t think Karen would approve of her junior assistant coming in to work in drag.’

‘I don’t think either of them would mind if you looked as smart and convincing as you do in those pictures,’ answered Debbie.

‘I only looked as good as I did due to Suzanne’s help with my makeup,’ I replied.

She paused for a minute, continuing to look at the photographs.

‘Alright then, but now I’ve heard the story and seen the pictures I would really like to meet you when you’re next dressed as Clare. What if I were to come into central London next Saturday, could we perhaps meet up for lunch together?’

I’d been working with Debbie for the last seven months and she’d never once suggested that we met up outside of work before now. In fact on the one occasion that I’d suggested we might have a drink after work she’d rather dismissed the idea.

‘I don’t know Debbie; I’ll have to ask Suzanne this evening to see what she thinks of the plan.’

Karen returned to the office at that point and so further discussion about the previous weekend and Cousin Clare was curtailed for the remainder of the day. Nothing more was said about the holes in my ears and neither Karen nor Helen seemed to notice them.

---

That evening, after I’d finished my evening meal and cleared up, I locked my bedroom door and proceeded to change into the clothes loaned to me by Suzanne, putting on a bra and knickers, a pair of tights, and a camisole before sitting down in front of my bedroom mirror. I took out the nylon sleepers and inserted the two ear studs. I then carefully made up my face in the way that Suzanne had shown me, paying particular attention to my eyes. It took me some time to achieve satisfactory results, and there were a couple of false starts, but eventually I was pleased with my look. I wished that I had longer hair of my own to complete the image, but instead I put on Suzanne’s wig and brushed it into place. It was now almost nine o’clock and most unlikely that anyone would call for me, so I finished dressing and then picked up my mobile phone to call Suzanne.

‘Hi Suzanne!’ I said when she answered

‘Oh hi Clare, I’m glad you’ve rung’

‘How did you know it was Clare rather than Tom that was calling?’

‘I don’t know, it must have been something about your voice, but I was quite sure as soon as you mentioned my name. I trust that you’ve been practising with the makeup that I bought you.’

‘Yes, if you could see me now I do believe you would be quite pleased with my efforts.’

‘In that case why don’t we speak to one another on Skype? I’ll then get a better idea of how you are doing.’

‘Alright then, I’ll log-on.'

A few minutes later the connection had been made and both of us could see one another.

'Well I must say that you appear to have done a good job again on your appearance again,' said Suzanne.

'Thanks,' I said.

‘So what can I do for you young lady?’

‘My workmate, Debbie, noticed my pierced ears and my plucked eyebrows this morning — you know, the ones which you said would never be noticed.’

‘I’m sorry about that Clare, but I’m sure that nobody made a great fuss about it though, did they?’

‘No. Fortunately the others in the office haven’t noticed, but Debbie was quite determined to find out what I’d been doing and so in the end I had to tell her the story of my weekend and even showed her your photographs. She was really cool about it all and has promised to keep my secret at work, but says that she’d like to meet Clare. She has asked whether she could join us for lunch in the West End next Saturday. What do you think?’

Suzanne hesitated.

‘I don’t want to sound unfriendly but I think it might be difficult for us to meet up with your friend on Saturday, especially in one of the cafeterias at lunchtime. I know there are still three weeks to go before Christmas but the stores get very crowded at that time and it can be a problem with a wheelchair and so I would rather not commit us to being in one shop at a given time. If she’d like to meet you as Clare, then why don’t you meet up to have lunch with her on Sunday when I’ll be having lunch with Christine and Eleanor? Alternatively, I should be happy to entertain you both to an afternoon tea on that day at my flat.’

‘Either of those options would mean my having to stay a second night in your flat as Clare.’

‘Yes, but I’d rather hoped that you would do so, in any event, since you won’t be able to come and stay with me the following weekend,’ said Suzanne.

I thought for a moment before answering,

‘Alright, I’ll put your suggestions to Debbie in the morning and let you know what she says tomorrow night.’

‘Good; it’ll be another opportunity to have a chat to my cousin Clare.’

---

The following morning I was able to have a brief conversation with Debbie whilst our colleagues were otherwise engaged, and explained Suzanne’s reservations about her plan to meet us on Saturday.

‘So it’s a choice between Sunday lunch with Clare alone, or else afternoon tea with the pair of you, at your friend’s flat,’ said Debbie.

‘Or indeed both, if you wish,’ I added.

‘In that case both would be nice. We may as well spend some time together as I shall be making the journey into central London. Then we could have a wander around the West End together in the afternoon. I don’t often get the chance to come into central London at weekends.’

‘Alright. Shall we meet at about 12.30 at the entrance to Leicester Square tube station?’ I asked.

‘That would suit me. I’m quite looking forward to it. What will Clare be wearing?’

‘I’m not sure, it’ll rather depend on what Suzanne will loan to me, but from what I know of her wardrobe, I imagine Clare will be quite smartly dressed, and in any event she’ll be able to recognise you.’

‘So you’ll definitely be wearing a dress?’

‘Not me, but I expect that Clare will.’

‘In that case I’ll probably do the same.’

I confirmed the arrangements with Suzanne that evening during another chat session using Skype.

---

Nothing more was said between Debbie and I on the subject of Clare until the Friday afternoon, I continued to practice wearing makeup each evening although I had to lay off the mascara brush somewhat as I couldn’t help noticing that my eyelashes appeared to be gradually growing thicker and darker. Debbie appeared to have noticed as well as she fluttered her eyelashes at me in a significant way on one occasion in the office. However, I don’t think my two older colleagues noticed, or at they least didn’t say anything if they did. On the Thursday I purchased a tube of hair removal cream. That night I ensured that my legs, arms and armpits were once again smooth ready for another weekend to be spent as Clare.

On Friday afternoon, just as we were packing up for the weekend, I went over to Debbie and quietly said to her.

‘So you’ll be meeting Clare on Sunday lunchtime.’

‘Yes, and I’m quite looking forward to it,’ she replied enthusiastically.

‘Me too,’ I mouthed.

---

I hurried home and quickly showered and changed into a t-shirt, jeans and trainers. I then collected the various item of apparel and cosmetics loaned to me by Suzanne, and made my way to her flat, arriving about twenty minutes earlier than I’d predicted.

‘Hi Tom, I’m afraid dinner won’t be ready for forty five minutes,’ said Suzanne.

‘That’s alright, would you like me to get myself changed whilst I’m waiting? I’ve brought with me your clothes and wig’ I asked.

‘My goodness, you are keen to become Clare again!’ she commented.

‘I just wanted to show off my newly acquired skills in using cosmetics’ I said.

‘Alright then, but first of all let me show you what I’ve been doing over the last few days sorting out my wardrobe. It has been a major task for me and one that I’ve been putting off for a long time.’

She led me through to her spare bedroom.

‘All of the clothes in this room are surplus to my requirements, as I now have to restrict myself to wearing items what I can manage to put on by myself without difficulty. They should all fit you alright and you’re welcome to wear anything you choose from them.’

I noticed a substantial range of female clothing hanging in the wardrobe or else neatly folded in the drawers.

‘My goodness, I wouldn’t know where to begin with all these clothes or know what is going to suit me.’

‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon learn by trial and error, and I promise to tell you if you make any disastrous mistakes. You’ll also find that there’s some costume jewellery and plenty of makeup in the top drawer, as long as you don’t mind using stuff that I’ve already used,’ she added. ‘You’ll find the lingerie that we bought for you last week is in the second draw. I’ve also added a few items of my own that were almost new, but you may prefer to buy some more for yourself tomorrow. So now you’ve everything you might need for this coming weekend.’

There is enough here for the next six months, let alone a weekend, I thought to myself. Whatever has she got planned for me?

‘Alright, I’ll see what I can do,’ I replied.

---

I quickly changed out of Tom’s clothes and put on a bra and knickers and carefully inserted the false breasts, and tucked my penis out of sight, and began to feel like Clare once again. I put on a pair of tights and a camisole top, before selecting a dark blue dress and matching shoes. Before putting them on I sat down and carefully applied some makeup and fixed the wig in place. Finally I found myself some items of jewelry including some dangling earrings which I was now easily able to insert into the holes in my earlobes and put on the dress and shoes. I emerged just as Suzanne was serving the meal.

‘Well done Clare, your timing is spot on. You have chosen your outfit well and your makeup looks most proficient,’ said Suzanne. ‘Does that mean that you’ll be able to get yourself ready to go out tomorrow morning?’

‘Yes, I should think so,’ I said, feeling quite pleased by her reaction. ‘But I’ve not had time to do anything about my finger nails, and so I wondered if you could help me them after dinner tonight.’

‘Yes of course, but let’s have our meal first and sort out what we’re going to do tomorrow.’

---

The evening passed quickly. During our meal we each talked about what we’d done over the previous week and made plans for the coming weekend. I explained that I would be bringing Debbie back for tea on Sunday afternoon, and Suzanne said that she would be happy to meet her. Once we’d washed up and cleared away the dishes Suzanne carefully affixed some false tips on to my nails once again and polished them for me.

‘I’m gradually getting to enjoy having longer finger nails and wearing nail varnish’

‘In that case why don’t I give you a pedicure and paint your toe nails as well?’ suggested Suzanne.

‘Alright, as long as everything comes off on Sunday night. The last thing I would want is my father to discover that I had painted toenails when I go and see him next weekend,’ I replied laughing.

‘It’s strange,’ commented Suzanne, ‘I’ve known you as Tom for several months and although we always got on well together, we were never going to become close friends. However, now I find that I really appreciate your company as Clare.’

I could feel myself blushing.

‘I suppose I should thank you, for the compliment,’ I answered. ‘To be honest I also feel more relaxed in your company as Clare than I did as Tom, and am quite looking forward to the weekend.’

‘In that case let us hope it’ll be the first of many such weekends in the future’ she replied.

Clare goes shopping with Suzanne and meets up with Debbie

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 8

Decisions, decisions

We both got up at 7.00am the following morning and had breakfasted and were ready to leave the flat before 8.30am. It was bitterly cold outside and so I dressed in a thick blue jersey dress and a pair of calf-length leather boots, together with Suzanne’s winter coat. I put on my own makeup and styled the wig, whilst Suzanne was getting herself ready, but she did a quick check and suggested a couple of minor adjustments before we left.

‘I’m sure you’ll be ok today but remember to keep a check on your appearance if you pass a mirror, or when you go to the toilet, and if necessary refresh your make up,’ suggested Sue.

‘I’ll do my best to look nice and act nicely,’ I replied smiling.

‘Good! If you do as well as you did last weekend we should be fine,’ replied Suzanne.

We called a minicab from Suzanne’s usual company, which took us to Regent Street just as the major shops were opening their doors to customers. Once again I felt a little self-conscious to be out in public dressed as a woman, but this quickly wore off as I settled in to the role of Suzanne’s assistant and bag carrier. Nobody appeared to take a second look at me, indeed, it was Suzanne and her wheelchair which attracted far more attention, and by mid-morning I’d lost any sense of anxiety.

My first serious shopping trip with a woman friend proved to be a great learning experience for me. Suzanne had already done much of her Christmas shopping via the Internet, but there were several items she wanted to examine or perhaps try on to see if they suited and whether she’d be able to manage putting them on. She’d prepared a list of everything she wanted to buy, and knew exactly where to find them. She often needed my help however, either in helping her to try on clothes, offering a second opinion between alternatives or merely queuing to pay for the items that she’d selected. Once again I was asked to use Clare’s mysterious debit card in my name, which appeared to have been topped up during the previous week. I decided that if I was going to spend the weekend as a woman then I ought to buy myself another set of underclothes to wear the next day. Suzanne enthusiastically agreed and helped me to select them but also insisted that I should also pay for them using the magic debit card. I noted that money never seemed to be a particular problem for her.

The basket on Suzanne’s wheelchair quickly became filled and so I found that I was carrying a growing number of shopping bags and parcels as well. I was relieved when she suggested that we should have a break, and offered to buy us lunch at a cafeteria in one of the stores.

‘Can you see why it would have been difficult to arrange to meet your friend today,’ said Suzanne.

‘Yes, but there was no problem, the way things have worked out will be better for all concerned.’

‘I’m glad about that and am looking forward to meeting your colleague.’

---

Suzanne was clearly enjoying her first West End shopping trip in many months, and in any event was always fun to be around. However, by the middle of the afternoon both of us were feeling exhausted. I was therefore relieved when she announced at 4.00pm that she’d purchased everything she’d planned, and several other things as well. After a little delay we were able to hail a black cab to take us home. Once we were in her flat Suzanne was breathless and had a coughing fit, so that I was worried that she may have over-exerted herself. However, after a half hour or so she seemed to recover and I rang to organise a take-away meal to be delivered. That evening we set about re-examining our purchases and then stowing them away.

‘Thank you so much for your help today Clare, it has really meant a lot to me to be able to get everything ready for Christmas,’ said Suzanne as we were eating our evening meal.

‘That’s alright. I’d no idea that shopping could be so tiring, but it has also been good fun. If there’s anything else I can do to help you over the next few weeks, apart from next weekend, I’ll be happy to do so.’

Suzanne paused for a moment considering what to say next.

‘I was rather hoping you might be willing to spend a while staying with me over the Christmas holidays — You mentioned that you’ll be taking some time off work and so you wouldn’t need to keep changing back in to Tom.’

‘I shall be using up my remaining leave and so I’ll not need to go into work between 16th December and 2nd January,’ I replied. ‘I suppose I could come and stay for a few days during that period, if you want me to.’

‘What plans have you made for the Christmas holidays?’

‘Actually, I’ve no plans. I’d normally go and stay with my father, but he will be away this year. How about you, Suzanne, what are your plans?’

‘My two lady friends have invited me to spend Christmas day with them, but other than that, I’ve made no specific arrangements.’

There was a slight pause before she continued.

‘I was half hoping that my cousin Clare might consider spending some time staying with me over the holiday period since we seem to get on together so well together. Maybe even a week or more?’

‘A week! with me living as Clare?’

‘Yes of course! I’ve plenty of food and drink and, as you know, there are now plenty of clothes for you to wear. Also it would be so much easier if we didn’t have to keep switching you back into Tom every few days. It would be a good way of your celebrating Christmas without spending too much money. Maybe we could go out to the theatre or cinema together as well, I’d pay!’

‘What about your existing arrangements with your friends?’

‘I’m sure that if I told Christine and Elaine that you were staying they would be more than happy for you to come along with me on Christmas day as well, but I’ll check that it’s alright. As far as I’m concerned you could stay for the whole two and a half weeks if you wanted to, I would appreciate the company, particularly over Christmas and New Year which can be rather depressing if you’re on your own.’

‘That’s very generous of you, Suzanne, but I’m not sure I could manage as Clare for such a long time, but perhaps I could stay for a few days over the holiday period. Let me think about it over the next week.’

‘Yes, of course, but I hope you’ll say yes.’

---

The following morning Suzanne and I had a leisurely breakfast together before proceeding to help each other to get ready to go out. As we were doing so, I began to notice that although she tried to hide the fact, Suzanne was beginning to have difficulty in performing certain basic personal tasks such as brushing her hair or getting herself dressed. If her condition were to deteriorate much further then she’d be in need of a carer to help her get up each morning and go to bed in the evening.

‘What are you planning to wear today Clare?’

‘It’s fairly cold outside and so I suppose that I could put on that blue dress again, it was fairly warm and seems to suit me, but today I think I’ll risk wearing some high-heeled court shoes rather than the boots.’

‘That will be fine but remember you’ll be walking round the shops in the afternoon, and so I suggest that you choose a pair that you find reasonably comfortable.’

‘May I borrow your dark red coat again Suzanne.’

‘Yes, of course! You’ll find a matching handbag in the cupboard and you’ll probably need a pair of gloves as well.’

---

Just before midday Suzanne telephoned for a minicab.

‘I can drop you at Holloway Road tube station, if you wish Clare; it’s then a simple journey in to Leicester Square.’

‘Thanks. What time should we come back here for tea?’

‘If you arrive at about five o’clock, that should give me enough time to get home and get myself organised.’

---

As I came up the stairs at Leicester Square tube station I could see Debbie waiting for me at the entrance on other side of the Charing Cross Road. Rather than go back down and under the subway, I crossed the road in front of her, as it wasn’t too busy with traffic. She didn’t look in my direction, being more concerned with looking for me among the passers-by on the pavement. As a result, she didn’t notice my approach until I opened my mouth to greet her.

‘Hello Debbie, are you looking for me?’

‘Hi Clare, I’m sorry not to have recognised you straight away, but I must say you look lovely this morning.’

‘Thanks,’ I answered, blushing a little at first and not knowing how to answer. ‘You always look nice.’

She smiled in acknowledgment.

‘Thank you, but remember it’s the first time I’ve seen Clare in the flesh — and I must say you look just as good as in those pictures.’

I blushed again, and didn’t know what to answer.

‘So what are we going to do this afternoon?’ asked Debbie.

‘I suggest that we find somewhere to have lunch together first of all, and then perhaps we could have a look around Chinatown. My friend Suzanne is expecting us back for tea at about 5.00pm.’

‘That sounds fine by me!’

---

We found a suitable restaurant and over our meal I answered many more of Debbie’s questions concerning how I’d spent my last three weekends and my longer-term plans regarding Clare, of which I confessed there were none.

‘You’re so convincing as a girl; you really must give our colleagues the opportunity of meeting Clare sometime. If you’re not willing to come into work one day then my flat-mates and I are planning a New Year’s party and I was intending to invite everyone from work. You could come as Clare rather than Tom. Both Karen and Helen will be there with their respective partners?’

‘I’m not sure about that Debbie, I still feel quite nervous about being out in public dressed like this — in fact this morning’s journey to meet you was the first occasion that I’d ventured out on my own other than quick trips to the supermarket.’

‘But you don’t appear to be at all nervous; you look and sound to me as if you were an attractive young woman. I’m sure that with a little more practice you would feel more confident.

‘That’s what my friend Suzanne says, in fact she’s asked me to stay with her, as Clare, over the holiday period, as my father is going to be out of the country.’

‘Are you going to accept her offer?’

‘I’m not sure what to do, even though I’ve had an interesting and pleasant time over the last few weekends; it would be a different matter to be a girl for a week or more at a stretch.

‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t have a good time? After all you appear to have enjoyed immersing yourself doing typically girlish things over the last few weeks.’

I didn’t reply, but blushed as I realised that she was probably right.

‘If your friend is willing to loan you the clothes to wear, you might consider accepting her offer,’ Debbie continued.

‘I’ll have to think about it over the next week or so,’ I replied continuing to blush.

With that our conversation moved on to other things.

---

After lunch we looked around the shops in Chinatown and then walked on to Regent Street, making one or two purchases along the way. Once again, it struck me that the people seemed to deal with me differently as a young woman than they would have done to Tom. Both the men and the women that I came across seemed to be friendlier and kinder, and I found myself thinking how much I’d enjoyed spending the last three weekends as Clare, and regretting the fact that I’d not be able to do the same next weekend. At one point, after I’d just finished flirting with a stall holder, who was trying to sell me a silk scarf, I caught Debbie looking at me and shaking her head.

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.

‘I really cannot get used to how much you’ve changed, and it isn’t just in your appearance, but also your personality. Tom was alright, I suppose, although perhaps a little dull, whereas Clare is someone who is fun to be with.’

‘Are you sure it isn’t a question of other people changing in their reaction towards me?’

‘Probably it’s a bit of both, but there’s a definite improvement,’ she said smiling.

Soon afterwards we began to make our way back to Suzanne’s flat in Westbourne Park.

---

‘Suzanne, this is my friend Debbie from work,’ I said as we entered. ‘Debbie, this is Suzanne who’s been largely responsible for the creation of Clare.’

‘I think you’ve done a very good job, Suzanne. Clare is more fun to spend time with than Tom, and is also a lot better looking,’ said Debbie smiling as they shook hands.

‘I’m glad you think so too. However, any improvement is partly due to Clare’s efforts as well, she has worked hard on her presentation over the last three weekends.’

‘Yes and from the sound of it, she’s been enjoying herself in the process,’ added Debbie. ‘I’ve been trying to persuade her to come into work one day and introduce herself to our two colleagues.’

‘If I were due to be working on the last day before the Christmas holiday, I might consider doing so, as no-one expects any work to be done on that day, but if I were to come in on another day it would just be a distraction, and would probably not go down too well,’ I interposed.

‘I don’t think so; once the introductions were made you could just get on with Tom’s work,’ replied Debbie

---

As my two friends got to know one another I began to feel a little irritated at the way they seemed to be taking over my life and making assumptions or decisions about my future before I’d had a chance to weigh them in my own mind. I didn’t regret for one moment the events of the last few weekends but, on the other hand, I wanted to choose if and when they would continue. I didn’t say anything, however, as I’d enjoyed both of their company individually over the course of the weekend.

‘By the way Clare, I was discussing the arrangements for Christmas with Christine and Eleanor this morning and they’d both be very happy to have you join us at their house on Christmas day. So you’d be more than welcome to stay at my flat at any time over the Christmas and New Year period that you wish,’ said Suzanne

‘In that case Clare rather than Tom could also come to my New Year’s party, added Debbie.

‘Hang on a minute, both of you. I’m still not sure what I want to do over the Christmas holiday and need to sort out in my own mind whether I want to spend any more time as Clare,’ I said.

Suzanne looked a little disappointed with my reaction but realised it was probably better not to press the point at that moment.

‘Alright then, it is entirely up to you what you do over Christmas, as long as you promise to consider our suggestions’, she said.

‘But you’ve already admitted to me that you have had a good time during your last three weekends living as Clare’ added Debbie.

‘Alright, yes I admit that. I have had a good time and will give consideration to your suggestions over the next two weeks,’ I replied with just a hint of irritation.

At that point my companions changed the subject and we were all soon chatting happily together once again. Suzanne served up a simple tea and we continued chatting together on other matters until the early evening. Debbie and Suzanne seemed to get on well together, but they also treated me as one of themselves and we all took equal shares in the conversation, which I seemed to find much easier to do as Clare than I’d have done as Tom.

Eventually, at about 8.00pm, Debbie told us that she would have to leave to travel back to her home in south London.

‘I’ll walk to the underground station with you, if you like’ I said.

‘Alright then, and thanks for the tea Suzanne, it was nice to meet you,’ said Debbie as we left.

‘I hope we meet again sometime,’ replied Suzanne.

---

As her train approached Debbie turned to me.

‘Thanks for everything, Clare; I’ve had a most delightful day. I think you make a lovely young woman and I hope to see you again very soon.’

‘Yes, but in the meanwhile you’ll be seeing Tom again in the morning,’ I replied.

‘I realize that,’ she said as she kissed me on the cheek and boarded her train.

---

I was feeling rather subdued and thoughtful as I returned to Suzanne’s flat a quarter of an hour later.

‘I’d better get changed back to Tom now and return to my flat,’ I said soon after my arrival.

‘Alright but you would be welcome to stay here another night and change back early tomorrow morning, if you wish,’ said Suzanne.

‘No thanks, there would be too much to do first thing in the morning, and in spite of what Debbie thinks, I’ve no intention of going into work dressed as a woman.’

---

Both Karen and Helen were working in the office every day over the next week, and as Debbie had promised not to discuss the subject of Clare in front of them, there was hardly any opportunity for her to speak about the previous weekend or to enquire about my plans for Christmas. She merely offered a few words about how pleased she’d been to meet Clare and Suzanne and how impressed she’d been with the former, before changing the subject. I wasn’t too sorry about this as I wanted to sort out things in my own mind over the next few days. I also stopped experimenting with makeup each evening in my flat as I wanted to be sure there would be no give-away traces when I stayed with my father over the coming weekend. In any event, I’d left most of the stuff behind in Suzanne’s flat. The only concession I made to Clare was to retain the near invisible sleepers in my ears. My weekday evenings were rather spent in catching up with various domestic tasks that I’d neglected over the past few weekends and in doing some of my own Christmas shopping, as the coming weekend would be the last opportunity of seeing my father before he and his new lady friend left for their cruise.

I wondered whether I should telephone Suzanne during the week, but wanted to avoid answering any questions about my plans for the time being, and so, instead, I went out and bought a rather girly looking ‘Thank you’ card. Inside I wrote a message in Clare’s name thanking her for her hospitality over the last three weekends and saying how much I’d enjoyed them. I also added a postscript thanking her for the invitation for Christmas but saying that I’d need a little time for before deciding whether or not to accept. Finally, I promised that Tom would telephone her after returning from his trip home. I hoped that she would understand my need to be left alone to think things through. On Wednesday, I received a text message from Suzanne:

‘Clare,
thx 4 card will await yr decish! speak 2 u next week,
luv Suzy xx.
P.S. u forgot 2 take wig clothes & makeup 4 more practice — will arrange 2 send em to u —’

Clare acquires some assets

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 9

Tom’s last week at work

After my previous three weekends living as Clare, the next weekend felt a little flat and uneventful. I dutifully made my pre-Christmas visit to see my father, who lived between Newcastle and Sunderland. I also went out for a meal to meet his new lady friend, the first he’d had since the death of my mother just over a year and a half ago. Things seemed to be getting quite serious between them, which in some respects was a relief to me, as I would no longer have to worry about how he was coping, or make such regular and expensive trips up to North East England. She was friendly and polite towards me, but she had a grown up family of her own, and I could see that in future I would be of secondary importance in their lives, and from now onwards I would largely be on my own.

At first I was a little anxious whether, like Debbie, my father might notice a subtle change to my demeanor or the tiny holes which were now quite well-established in my ears, but if he did so then he said nothing. I think he was more pre-occupied with his new friend and in preparing for their extended trip, but he was also anxious to know my plans over the Christmas holiday. I’d said nothing about my taking a period of leave from work, in case he felt guilty that I wouldn’t now be able to return to my former home at that time. To put his mind at rest I explained that I’d been invited to stay with a friend named Suzanne and would probably accept her invitation, although the details had not yet been finalised. I also mentioned that I’d been invited to a New Year’s party with one of my workmates named Debbie, and both my father and his lady friend seemed to be quite satisfied that I was going to be alright.

On the train back to London on Sunday evening I thought long and hard about what I was going to do during my two and a half weeks away from work. I hated the thought of being alone over the Christmas holiday and had enjoyed Suzanne’s company. I’d also found that dressing and acting as a young woman had been fun, although the prospect of spending such a long time as Clare was quite daunting. I therefore decided to compromise and to suggest that Clare might stay for the eight days between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day. I could also offer to help Suzanne with any shopping before that time, to decorate her flat and take down the decorations afterwards, but would do so as Tom rather than Clare. Once I’d made up my mind, it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and suddenly I began to look forward to Christmas.

---

I was greeted by Debbie as I arrived at the office the next day, who informed me that our two colleagues were not expected in until lunchtime and that we were therefore free to discuss my alter ego.

‘I was really impressed by Clare when I met her the weekend before last,’ she began.

‘So you told me,’ I replied.

‘Did you tell your father about Clare this weekend?’

‘No, it isn’t the sort of thing that a young man says to his father.’

‘Did he notice anything different about you?’

‘I don’t think so, or at least he said nothing if he did do so.

‘And have you made up your mind about your plans for the Christmas holiday yet?’

‘I don’t really fancy spending the Christmas holiday on my own so I’ve decided to accept Suzanne’s invitation and stay between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day, if it’s still convenient for her,’ I answered.

‘Great! So does that also mean you’ll also come to my party as Clare?’ she asked.

I hesitated for a moment, but then thought to myself, ‘what the hell! Why not?’

‘Yes, I suppose so, if you want me to, as long as you are discreet and promise not to announce it to the whole world.’

Debbie looked really pleased.

‘That’s great news, as I’m planning to stay with my father for Christmas, and so otherwise I wouldn’t have the opportunity of meeting Clare again,’ she answered.

It seemed a little strange, but was not entirely unwelcome, how both Suzanne and Debbie seemed to seek out Clare’s rather than Tom’s company.

‘I’m sure that Suzanne will be pleased when you tell her,’ continued Debbie. ‘By the way, I have a carrier bag for you in my locker with some of Clare’s things inside, which I’ll hand over to you after work today. Suzanne also asked me to tell you that she will only be accepting Video calls from Clare and not from Tom this week. She says that if you want to talk to her then you should first send a text asking her to connect to Skype.’

‘Have you been in contact with Suzanne?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

‘Yes, she telephoned me at work last Wednesday lunchtime and we had a chat when no-one else was around. I offered to call in to her flat and collect your things on my way home from work last Friday and bring them in for you today.’

‘You didn’t mention her call to me last week. What did you two talk about?’ I asked, knowing that the only thing they had in common with one another was myself.

‘Oh, it was only girls’ stuff and nothing to do with you, young Tom.’

‘I’ll bet’

‘If you really want to know, then you’ll have to wait until we have an opportunity to discuss our plans with our friend Clare,’ she answered smiling, but nevertheless seemed determined that she would say nothing more on the subject.

---

The idea of Suzanne and Debbie having been in touch and making plans together both intrigued and bothered me, but I knew that I’d get nothing more from Debbie and so I decided to ask Suzanne for some more details of their conversation that evening. As promised, Debbie handed me a large carrier bag as we were leaving work. I thanked her but didn’t examine the contents at the time as I didn’t wish to excite questions from Helen who was leaving work at the same time. Once I got home I found that Suzanne had carefully packed a clean set of underwear, a skirt, a blouse, a pair of tights, her long wig, a pair of shoes and various cosmetics into the bag. There was also a note addressed to Clare, which said: ‘if we are going to spend Christmas Day with my friends, you’ll need as much practice as possible beforehand.’ It was signed: ‘love Suzanne.’

At first I’d felt a little irritated with Suzanne’s peremptory instructions to be sure to change into Clare before contacting her, and her assumption that I was going to accept her invitation for Christmas. There was also the matter of her phoning Debbie and talking about me to behind my back. However, I was quite anxious to talk to her again after more than a week, and so I decided that I’d go along with her plan. I took a shower and carefully shaved my arms and legs. It was still relatively early but I assumed that there would be no visitors and so by 7.30pm I’d dressed and transformed myself into Clare once again. As soon as I was satisfied with my appearance I sent a text message from Clare saying that she was logged on to Skype. Whilst I waited for a response I ate a sandwich, before my computer indicated that Suzanne was online and trying to contact me.

‘Hi Suzanne!’

‘Hi Clare, it’s good to hear from you again, and as usual you’re looking good. So how did your visit to your father go?’

‘Alright I suppose, but it was a little dull. At least I’ve fulfilled my filial duty for the year. We exchanged presents, went out for a meal and nothing much else happened’ I said.

‘So it wasn’t as exciting as your recent weekends staying with me,’ she commented.

‘No, I suppose not,’ I admitted.

‘I’m pleased to hear that.’

‘By the way, what did you talk to my friend Debbie about last week?’ asked Clare.

‘Oh nothing much, I just wanted to compare notes with her as to whether she found you to be as convincing as I did, and whether there were any aspects of your presentation where you needed some more practice. She was very flattering about you, and wants me to talk you into going to her party as Clare rather than Tom.’

‘I know. But you don’t need to; I’ve already agreed to go, this morning. Also I’ll be willing to stay with you for eight days over Christmas beginning on Christmas Eve, if you still want me to.’

‘Yes of course I do, but I was also rather hoping that I might call upon your help once again this weekend, as I still have several jobs still to do.’

‘Yes, by all means, but does it have to be as Clare?’

‘Yes please, if you don’t mind. I want you to take me to the hairdresser and to get my fingernails done, and it’ll be far less embarrassing to be taken there by a young woman helper,’ answered Suzanne. ‘In any event I thought you enjoyed your weekends as Clare?’

‘I do, but I’m beginning to get a little concerned about the amount of time I’m spending dressed as a woman, particularly if I’m going to be staying with you for a week soon afterwards.’

‘I don’t see why you should be worried. Is there something that you would rather be doing this weekend as Tom?’

‘No, not really,’ I admitted.

‘In that case I hope that Clare will come round for a meal on Friday evening after work. I’ve also invited your friend Debbie as well, as there’s something we would like to discuss with you.’

‘What sort of thing.’

‘You’ll have to wait and see.’

I sighed.

‘Yes, alright then, I’ll see you on Friday evening.’

---

Nothing further happened at work over the next three days and there was no further reference to Clare by Debbie. I did, however, practice with Clare’s clothes and makeup each evening, but didn’t contact Suzanne or mention it to Debbie. Friday was going to be my last day at work until the New Year and so I brought Christmas cards for my colleagues into work together with a little gift for Debbie. They thanked me, and wished me well for my holiday and a happy Christmas. Later, when the others were out of earshot, Debbie motioned for me to come over to her desk.

‘I’ve got a Christmas present but it’s for Clare rather than Tom and so I can’t give it to you now. I understand from Suzanne that you’ll be seeing her after work this evening. She has invited me to come as well and so, if you don’t mind, I’ll travel with you and hand it over this evening.’

‘That will be fine by me’, I replied, ‘but I’ll need to call in to my flat first to change out of my work clothes and pick up Clare’s things before going on to Suzanne’s flat. My bedsit’s only about a quarter of a mile away from her flat’ and so it won’t delay us much.’

---

It was a comparatively mild night for mid-December, but was very dark when Debbie and I reached my home at about 5.30pm. There were no lights on in the house as I let us in through the front door. I turned on the hall light and we went up to my first floor bed-sitting room.

‘Is it normally this quiet here?’ asked Debbie.

‘Yes, sometimes. The other tenants tend to keep to themselves. Most use the place as a dormitory whilst they are working, and disappear to their families at weekends,’ I answered.

‘It seems a lonely and depressing place to live,’ she commented.

‘It is alright during the week, but would be a bit bleak over the Christmas holiday,’ I replied.

I handed Debbie the bag in which Clare’s clothes and wig were stored.

‘Hold on to these for me for a moment and look the other way whilst, I just change out of my suit,’ I said.

‘As there’s no-one around in the house why don’t you change straight away into these clothes and arrive at Suzanne’s flat dressed as Clare, I’m sure she’d be pleased if you did so.’

‘Maybe so, but I don’t have an outdoor coat to wear. I would attract attention to myself if I were to go out wearing just a skirt and blouse in the middle of winter.’

‘You’d be welcome to borrow my raincoat for the short journey, if you like. I’m wearing a jacket underneath and will be quite warm enough.’

I sighed, and then took the offered carrier bag.

‘You and Suzanne are forever trying to turn me into a woman,’ I said.

She smiled.

‘Yes, I suppose that may be true, but it’s only because we both enjoy Clare’s company, and get the impression that you do as well,’ she replied.

---

My transformation into Clare didn’t take long and I made a pretty good job with my hair and makeup. Debbie looked on impressed. As soon as I was finished, I began to collect a few of Tom’s clothes, and put them into a carrier bag.

‘What are those for?’ she asked.

‘The clothes are for me to change into before I come back on Sunday night.’

‘Are you sure that you are going to need them. You said yourself that the place will probably be deserted and so you’ll be able to creep back unseen on Sunday, I think you should leave Tom behind for this weekend,’ she said emphatically.

Debbie was hard to argue with once she’d decided on a course of action. She took away the plastic bag and placed it on a table and handed over her raincoat. It fitted me perfectly well, so we made our way the quarter of a mile to Suzanne’s flat.

---

Debbie was right. Suzanne appeared to be delighted to open her door and see that it was Clare rather than Tom standing there and welcomed us both in.

‘I’m afraid that I’m running late and the meal won’t be ready for over an hour, but all the preparations have been made so we can have a glass of wine whilst we’re waiting. I also understand that Debbie has got something to give to you Clare.’

Debbie took out a small package that she’d been carrying in her shopping bag.

‘My father works for a medical supply company and obtained these for me. They’re intended as a Christmas gift but this will be a good opportunity to show you how to put them on.’

‘What are they?’ I asked.

‘They’re a pair of silicone breast forms designed for women who’ve had a double mastectomy. If you attach them to your chest as instructed, they’re supposed to look and feel just like the real thing’ replied Debbie. ‘

‘Really?’

‘Would you like me to show you how to put them on?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘In that case I’d like you to strip off above the waist and sit down in front of the mirror next to me.’

I felt distinctly embarrassed being bare-chested in front of Suzanne and Debbie, but neither of them seemed to give it a second thought. Once I was sitting, Debbie carefully placed each breast in its correct position and drew around the outline with a felt tipped pen. She then stuck an inverted v-shaped piece of double-sided medical grade adhesive tape above each nipple, and a shorter piece underneath.

‘These adhesive strips will carry the weight of each breast, and then we’ll put a thin line of glue to stick the edges down securely. Once you’ve added some flesh-toned makeup the joins shouldn’t be visible.’

She spread the adhesive just inside the outline of each breast and then added another line around the breasts themselves before waiting for a few minutes.

‘Now comes the fiddly part. I’ll do it today, but you’ll need to pay attention so you can do it for yourself next time.’

She peeled off the back of the double-sided tape and then carefully positioned each breast, and when she was confident, she begun to press each one in place, beginning at the bottom and moving to the top.

‘I want you to hold each breast in place for a few minutes whilst I work around smoothing down and hiding the edges.’

I did as I was instructed. When Debbie finished working round the edges, she cleaned away any remaining trace of the adhesive or the felt tip pen.

‘How on earth would I do this on my own?’ I asked as Debbie completed her work.

‘With difficulty, I guess, but don’t worry; they’re designed to stay in place for a week or more at a time, if you wish.’

Before I’d time to respond, Debbie instructed me to remove my hands and let the two appendages dangle under their own weight. The result was quite surprising. What had at first appeared to be two quite small breasts seemed to enlarge once gravity had its effect on them, and their weight also pulled my existing flesh into a new shape creating a most convincing cleavage. The two breasts now hung down, seeming to move of their own accord whenever I moved my upper body. Debbie then carefully worked round the edges using some concealer until the joins were no longer visible. She then dabbed on some darker powder between my new breasts to enhance the appearance of my cleavage.

Suzanne came over and expressed her surprise and admiration.

‘Debbie you’ve done a great job with those, I’d never have known that they were not the real thing’ she said.

‘It’s as if they have a life of their own,’ I commented.

‘Yes, so you will now understand why women need to wear a bra to keep our breasts under control’ added Suzanne.

Debbie helped me to put on a bra and adjusted the straps to fit and provide support for my new shape, I now appeared to have two substantial, but otherwise quite normal looking female breasts.

‘I’ll find you something with a lower neckline to wear so you we can all admire your new assets over dinner,’ said Suzanne with a smile.

She went to the drawer in the spare bedroom and returned with a rather skimpy white knitted top together with a ruby pendant, both of which I put on. The top showed off my cleavage rather nicely.

‘How does it feel to have real boobs Clare?’ asked Debbie.

‘You tell me, I wouldn’t know. However, these two look and feel like pretty good substitutes,’ I replied smiling.

‘Alright you two, it’s time to stop admiring Clare’s boobs and help me serve up the dinner,’ said Suzanne.

Clare falls out with her friends
but then gets her hair styled

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 10

An appointment with the hair stylist

My new breasts were the inevitable topic of conversation and some teasing by Suzanne and Debbie over dinner that evening. I was warned about the potential pitfalls of having two such projections; the effect they might have on the opposite sex and the care I’d need to take in future. I took it all in good part and enjoyed the meal and the conversation.

‘You’d better show me how to take these off before you leave tonight Debbie,’ I said.

‘I’m afraid that it’ll inevitably be a prolonged and slightly uncomfortable business as they’re stuck on so well that you’ll have to use a special solvent to remove the adhesive without damaging the breasts or hurting yourself, she answered.

Debbie paused for a moment and looked at Suzanne before she continued speaking.

‘However, we were both hoping that you might be prepared to keep them in place for a little while,’

Before I could respond, Suzanne took over.

‘Clare, I want us both to look our best when we go out together on Christmas Day, and so in addition to having my hair done and getting myself a manicure, I would like to pay for you to have professional hair extensions fitted and for your hair to be styled properly rather than rely on the wig. I’ve spoken about you to my friends in the local salon, and they’re quite cool about the idea, but the only time they could fit us both in before Christmas would be tomorrow afternoon, and so I’ve taken the liberty of booking us both an appointment. That’s why I wanted you here dressed as Clare again this weekend.’

‘But how will I be able to take hair extensions off when I need to change back to being Tom?’ I asked.

‘They can be removed at any time but it’s going to be a little fiddly and it’ll cost almost as much as having them fitted in the first place. So we were rather hoping that you might be willing to stay here living as Clare until after Debbie’s party.’

‘But that’s more than a fortnight away! I only agreed to stay as Clare for this weekend and then again from Christmas Eve.’

‘I know, but this Saturday is the only time that they can fit us both in. I hope you’ll humour me,’ she said in a pleading voice.

‘Whenever I agree to something Suzanne, you always want to stretch it that little bit further, and I don’t like the way you two have cooked this plan up behind my back,’ I said beginning to feel a little annoyed with my friends.

Suzanne began to look a little downcast.

‘I’m sorry if you think we have gone too far. It was just that I knew that you won’t need to go into work during that period, and in any event, you have already agreed to stay here for a week,’ she answered.

‘I know, but that was my decision,’ I replied irritably.

‘Sorry, I could always cancel your hair appointment tomorrow morning, if you insist.’

I didn’t answer.

‘Is there anything that Tom needs to do, or anyone that he needs to visit over the next week?’ asked Debbie in a conciliatory tone.

‘I suppose not. I was planning to do some shopping for one or two Christmas gifts and was also going to offer to help Suzanne to decorate her flat,’ I replied.

‘Surely Clare could do those things just as easily as Tom.’

‘Maybe so, but I only agreed to stay as Clare for a week over the Christmas period,’ I continued irritably.

‘Wouldn’t you be more comfortable staying in this nice flat with Suzanne than in Tom’s dreary bedsit?’ asked Debbie.

Again, I didn’t answer; but she did have a point. Suzanne now took up the task of trying to persuade me.

‘As far as I’m concerned you’ll need only to remain as Clare until Boxing day, and you could then revert to being Tom until Debbie’s party a week later, but it would be a nonsense to waste all that money and effort to make you look attractive, only to take it off a few days before you go to a party,’ she replied.

‘Will they be expensive?’ I asked.

‘Yes, they will be quite costly, but I can afford it, and so I was hoping you might agree to my request on this occasion, as it is for Christmas,’ she answered.

‘How do you know I’ll look so good with hair extensions?’

‘Clare, believe me, with your face, those new boobs, genuine long hair and manicured nails, you’ll not just look like a convincing young woman, but a beautiful one as well,’ said Debbie. ‘I’ve done a pretty good job with your new boobs tonight so please leave them in place for the weekend at least, and also let Suzanne go ahead with your hair appointment tomorrow. We’ll see how you feel about it then.’

‘If I agree to your plan, it’ll mean that I’ll be stuck with the hair extensions and these false breasts for the next two and a half weeks, whether I like it or not,’ I said. ‘Once you leave this flat tonight I won’t see you again until your party,’ I said to Debbie.

‘That's not necessarily so: if you wish, I’ll call round on Sunday to admire your new hair style. If you’re still unhappy about the boobs, I promise that I’ll take them off for you straight away, with no questions asked.’

‘And what if I decide I don’t like the hair extensions?’ I asked Suzanne.

‘I could cut them off whenever you want to, if necessary, but I hope you’ll leave them in place at least until after Christmas Day,’ said Suzanne.

‘You mean New Year’s Day,’ contradicted Debbie.

I thought for some time before answering

‘I’ll see how I feel about things on Sunday, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been the victim of a conspiracy between the two of you.’

‘So you’ll agree to have the hair extensions put in tomorrow,’ said Suzanne.

‘I suppose so.’

‘So I can also fix your finger nails as well this evening.’

‘Alright then, if you must,’ I replied a little sourly.

‘Clare, we just want you to look good and have some fun over the Christmas Holiday’ added Suzanne.

‘I know and I am grateful, but please let me make my own decisions next time, both of you.’

---

Over the next two hours Suzanne provided manicures and nail extensions to both Debbie and myself. Afterwards Debbie had to leave to take her train home and so I walked with her to the tube station this time wearing one of Suzanne's outdoor coats. By this time my mood had softened somewhat.

‘I’m so glad that you’re going along with our plan Clare. I’m sure that you won’t regret it, and in fact will probably find that you’ve had a good time once you get used to the idea.’

‘We’ll have to see,’ I replied without committing myself. ‘But thanks for the boobs, even if I do ask you to take them off on Sunday.’

‘I hope you won’t. I’m looking forward to seeing how you look on Sunday,’ said Debbie, giving me a kiss on the cheek, and leaving to enter the station.

That night I discovered that it would now be difficult for me to sleep on my front or my side as I’d usually done in the past, because of the size and weight of my new breasts which were a fixture on my chest. Instead I had to get used to sleeping on my back.

---

It took me longer than usual to get ready the following morning. I had no real difficulty with my new breasts in the shower: they remained firmly attached and I only needed to disguise the join with some skin toner afterwards. Also I was now quite adept about tucking my penis out of sight and didn’t feel any discomfort when it was hidden in this way. Most of the extra time was spent relearning how to put on and adjust my bra now that I’d something more substantial to fill each cup, and then getting used to the new feelings and appearance. The presence of a couple of extra pounds on my chest was quite noticeable and made me move differently. Likewise, I discovered that several of the dresses that Suzanne had given to me now seemed to fit better than before. As I had a final look at myself in the full-length mirror before emerging from the spare bedroom I decided that actually I quite enjoyed having the new breasts, for the time being at least.

---

Suzanne was clearly still a little anxious that she’d upset me the previous evening, so I did my best to put her mind at ease.

‘You’d better tell me what you’ve said about me to the manageress of the hair salon, Suzanne.’ I said when we were both ready.

‘At first I wondered whether I needed to say anything at all, but guessed that they might notice as you had a rather boyish hairstyle to begin with,’ answered Suzanne. ‘I therefore explained to her that I’d a young male friend who wanted to spend the next few weeks living as a young woman and needed to have longer hair in order to complete the transformation.’

‘What did she say?’

‘She didn’t seem to be particularly surprised by my request, and I got the impression she has done the same thing before. She did ask me whether you were very convincing when dressed as a woman. Fortunately I’d remembered to take in a photograph of you dressed as Clare when I made the appointment. As soon as she saw that she was quite relaxed about the whole thing. They’ve promised to treat you as if you were any other of their customers.’

‘What will they do to my hair, Suzanne?’

‘They’ll begin by tidying up your existing hair style and making sure that the back of your neck and sideburns are clear. Then they’ll add the extensions, which consist of little swatches of hair bonded to keratin tips. The hairdresser will attach them to tufts of your own hair by means of a heat sealer. These will be done close to your scalp, so the joins will not be visible. After a few seconds your hair and the extension tip fuse together and they should remain quite secure. You’ll then be able to brush the extension as if it were your own hair, but using a special brush.’

‘How many extensions and how long will they be.’

‘Your new hair will be about 14 inches or so, otherwise there’d be no point in using them. I guess you’ll need about thirty or so to give your new hair plenty of body. Once they’re in place, the hairdresser will cut your newly extended hair into a suitable style. The extensions won’t be noticeable and will normally remain securely in place for between six weeks and three months before they need to be adjusted or re-affixed.’

‘I’ve no intention of keeping them for that long,’ I replied Clare quickly.

‘I realise that; but don’t worry, it’ll be entirely up to you how long you keep them in place.’

‘But what if I were to change my mind about the hair extensions and wanted to change back into Tom before Christmas?’

‘I suppose I’d be disappointed at wasting the money, and embarrassed about having to explain your absence to my friends, but I’d respect your wishes. I can’t force you to remain as Clare against your will, and in any event I wouldn’t want to do so.’

‘Thank you for everything but I’ve no idea of what sort of hair style I should ask for.’

‘I guessed that would probably be the case, and so I should like to make a suggestion as to what I think would suit you, based on the wig that you’ve been wearing.’ she said handing over a photograph. ‘You’re going to need a style which is relatively easy to deal with for most of the time, but can also be pinned up when we need you to look really glamorous.’

The picture she showed me was of a girl with long dark brown hair with no fringe, parted on the right side of her face and with the bottom of the hair curled.

‘Yes that style looks nice, if you think it would suit me.’

‘Yes it would look alright with the oval shape of your face, but you’ll have to learn how to put your hair up in rollers after you’ve washed it, if you’re going to keep it looking alright.’

‘Alright then I’ll go ahead on that basis, but please explain to me why are you spending so much money and effort in trying to turn me into a woman?’

Suzanne shrugged her shoulders.

‘The money isn’t really a problem for me, particularly as I’ll not be around this time next year, so I might as well spend it on things that I enjoy doing. I suppose I see the development of Clare as a kind of project - someone that I’ve helped to create. It takes my mind off my rather bleak future. However, I don’t think I would have pushed it this far if I didn’t get the distinct impression that you’re also enjoying it.’

‘I suppose you are right. So far I have enjoyed myself as Clare, at least for most of the time, but it’s quite a commitment that you’re now expecting from me and sometimes I get anxious about where it all might be leading.’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Well it’s almost as if you and Debbie are trying to push me into becoming Clare full-time.’

‘How would you feel about that prospect?’

‘I don’t know! I’m feeling confused about everything. In some respects the idea appalls me, but there are also some aspects of being Clare that I really enjoy.

‘Ultimately it’ll be up to you to decide how to live your life, but so far nobody has done anything to you that can’t easily be reversed. Debbie and I are only suggesting that you should give Clare a fair opportunity to enjoy herself and grow in confidence over the Christmas holidays to see how you get on. After all, Tom has had twenty years of your life to develop.’

‘Alright then Suzanne, I’ll go ahead with your plans, at least until Boxing Day, and then decide what to do after that.’

‘Thanks, and I hope you’ll have a good time as Clare over the next week or two,’ said Suzanne.

---

Our afternoon visit to the hairdresser proved not to be as embarrassing or as stressful as I’d feared. Suzanne gave me the picture and provided instructions as to what I should ask for. The staff treated me in a business-like and respectful manner and got on with their respective jobs without any odd looks, impertinent questions or funny comments. The only reference to my true gender was after the hairdresser had trimmed and shaped my own hair.

‘You’re going to look nice with longer hair, but with your looks you could probably have gotten away with having it short, if you wished,’ she commented.

‘Perhaps so, but if I’m to go out as Clare then I would feel more confident with longer hair.’

‘Alright then let us see what we can do for you.’

---

Over the next couple of hours Jean, the stylist, chatted away to me about my plans for Christmas as she might have done with any other customer, and I responded as necessary.

‘Perhaps Suzanne is right and I’m not the first young man that they have had to deal with in this way’, I thought to myself.

In no time I’d lost any sense of self-consciousness or embarrassment, as I sat back and began to enjoy the experience of having my hair done by an expert.

---

‘So madam, what do you think of your new hair style?’ asked Jean once she’d finished and taken out the rollers.

There was no hint of irony or sarcasm in her voice as she said so; it was merely a hairdresser enquiring what her customer thought.

‘I think it looks lovely,’ I answered turning my head in each direction to look at the sides.

As I did so I felt the pleasant sensation of the long hair on my shoulders. Jean then held up a mirror so that I could look at the back. There was absolutely no sign of where the extensions had been attached; it just looked like natural long hair.

‘Just what I wanted, thank you very much’ I replied.

‘You’ll need to have the extensions checked in about eight weeks in case any of the hair pieces have begun to slip,’ said Jean as I was paying the bill. ‘Would you like to make an appointment to have it done?’

‘No thanks, I’d better wait to have a look at my financial situation in the New Year,’ I replied.

Suzanne had told me to pay my bill (which came to £130.00) using the debit card in Clare’s name, and I left respectable a tip out of my own money. I then went to join my friend, who was waiting for me in the salon, having had her own hair cut and styled, and her finger nails manicured and polished.

‘Suzanne, your hair looks lovely,’ I said before she had a chance to pass comment on my own appearance.

‘Thank you, you look pretty good yourself young lady. That style really suits you.’

I smiled and blushed a little but I said nothing.

‘Do you need me to pay your bill using the debit card?’

‘No it’s ok, I’ve already done so using another one in my name.’

As we were leaving I caught sight of myself in a full-length mirror and felt pleased with the way I looked.

‘Thank you Suzanne for persuading me to get my hair done, I’m now glad that you did so and am happy with the results,’

‘Does that mean you are willing to stay with me until after Christmas?’ she asked.

‘Yes I suppose it does,’ I replied.

Suzanne smiled and squeezed my hand.

---

That evening Suzanne showed me how to look after my new hair style, how to brush it in the morning and evening and how to put it in rollers after it had been washed. She also gave me various hair care products. In future it would be a time consuming process to look after, but the results were probably worth the trouble. Nothing more was said between us about how long I might be willing to keep the extensions in place. Suzanne just acted as if they were going to be long-term fixtures, and I made no commitment one way or the other.

Clare goes to visit Tom’s colleagues at work

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 11

Clare’s visit

Debbie arrived at Suzanne’s flat mid-way through Sunday morning, as promised. We’d arranged to go out together for Sunday lunch at a restaurant just off the Charing Cross road, which had good facilities for the disabled.

‘Wow just look at you two glamour girls all dressed up as if you were going to a wedding, I feel distinctly underdressed in this outfit,’ she announced as she entered the flat.

‘You look fine,’ answered Suzanne. ‘Clare and I just wanted the opportunity to show off our new fancy hair styles.’

‘You both look great, I now wish I’d had my hair done as well,’ she announced to us both before turning to me.

‘So how are you getting on with the new silicone boobs, Clare?’

‘They’re alright I suppose,’ I answered, beginning to blush a little. ‘They’re both still securely in place, and I’m gradually getting used to the feel of them and the way they move.’

‘Are you experiencing any soreness with the adhesive?’

‘I’m not aware of any.’

‘So you won’t be insisting that I take them off for you this afternoon,’ said Suzanne.

I sighed.

‘No I suppose not, as long as I’m able to remove them whenever I need to.’

‘That’s a relief. When I got home on Friday evening I found that I’d left the bottle of solvent at work, but I swear to you that I didn’t do so deliberately.’

‘Maybe, but I can’t possibly keep them glued on to me for the next fortnight. What am I going to do if need to change back in a hurry for any reason and am unable to get hold of you?’ I asked.

‘Does that mean that you are planning to remain as Clare during the Christmas Holiday?’

I sighed.

‘As Suzanne has paid for these hair extensions, I suppose I’m bound to keep wearing them until Boxing Day, and so I may as well stay living as Clare as well, and keep the boobs. However, I’ll need to take them off soon in order to check that they’re not causing any soreness.’

‘Alright, but when you take them off, I trust that you’ll also learn how to put them back again, so that you get used to having them. You’ll need to have them in place at my party, so that you can wear something slinky with a low-cut neckline.’

I wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not.

‘I’m not promising anything Debbie. I’ll have to see how I feel after Christmas. But in the meanwhile how am I going to get that bottle of solvent?’

‘Why don’t you call in to the office to collect it from me one day next week?’ she suggested.

‘But Karen and Helen will be there.’

‘Yes, I know, and it would be a good opportunity to introduce Clare to them before my party. If you were to call in on Friday afternoon we won’t be doing any work as it is the last afternoon before the Christmas break. I could introduce you as my friend Clare and then we can see whether either of them recognises you.’

‘If they don’t recognise me from my appearance one of them is bound to recognise my voice,’ I said.

‘I’m not sure about that, but even if they do so — so what? After all Clare will be meeting them both at my party, irrespective of whether or not you retain the false boobs after Christmas — remember you did make a promise.’

‘Yes, but I made that promise before I realised that you would trick me into becoming Clare this weekend and remaining so until Christmas,’ I replied.

She wasn’t sure whether I was serious or not, so changed the subject.

‘I’ll tell you what, Clare, if you come into work and can last in their company for half an hour without them recognising you, I’ll organise a special treat for you after Christmas.’

‘There you go again Debbie, you and Suzanne are constantly trying to push me further than I want to go.

‘Come on Clare, be honest, have you or haven’t you been having a good time so far this weekend?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Well, yes I suppose I have,’ I answered reluctantly.

‘And you’re now quite confident when you are out in public dressed as a girl.’

‘I guess so.’

‘So why not do as Debbie suggests and call in to collect the bottle of solvent?’

‘You wouldn’t mind if I were to leave you alone for a few hours?’

‘Of course I wouldn’t mind, you’re not my prisoner! You may do whatever you wish whilst you’re staying with me.’

‘So how about it Clare?’ asked Debbie.

I was clearly going to get no peace until I agreed, and I thought that it might be nice to see Karen and Helen’s reaction to me in advance of my meeting them at the party.

‘Alright, I’ll call into the office early on Friday afternoon.’

‘And you’ll do your best to look good, act the part and not be discovered by them.’

‘Yes I suppose so.’

'Great, so now that's sorted let's go and get ourselves some lunch and you can tell me all about your visit to the hairdresser's,' said Debbie.

---

In spite of my earlier misgivings, I really enjoyed the next few days living as Clare, getting used to my new appearance and the wardrobe provided for me by Suzanne. I liked to experiment with different looks and try on the last few items in my new wardrobe, which I’d not hitherto worn, together with different coloured cosmetics. With Suzanne’s help, I was beginning to get a good idea as to what sort of styles and colour schemes suited me best. I also found that putting on my makeup and dealing with my new long hair became far less time consuming each morning as I became more competent and confident. In fact it became quite an enjoyable experience. It was nice not needing to worry about becoming Tom again after a couple of days. I could just sit back and enjoy my new life as Clare.

I also enjoyed helping Suzanne to prepare for what was likely to be her last Christmas. We decorated her flat and her Christmas tree together, with me performing the more physical activities and my friend telling me what to do. Although far from well, she was usually cheerful and on good form and so we chatted and joked together, more like two sisters than cousins. I went out and did some shopping for both of us on a couple of occasions. Suzanne had been right, I now thought nothing of going to the shops on my own, and it didn’t occur to me that I might be read by the shop assistants or other customers.

‘Alright, you win, I’ve enjoyed myself over the last few days and I’m glad that you and Debbie tricked me into spending this week as Clare. I would also like to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me,’ I announced on Wednesday afternoon.

Suzanne looked genuinely pleased.

‘Clare, sometimes other people can recognise things about you that you cannot see for yourself. That was why I was pleased to have the opportunity to talk to Debbie alone. I wanted to ask whether she had also noticed something about you. When she agreed with me, we decided to create this opportunity for you to discover for yourself.’

I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that Suzanne had noticed and wanted me to discover, but what she said reminded me of something my mother had said to me as she was dying. She’d told me that I needed to discover who I was and then go for it. She’d also said that she was sorry that she wouldn’t be around to witness my discovery but wished me luck. An hour later she was dead. I decided not to dwell on these matters or draw parallels with Suzanne’s situation, whatever it was would come to me in due course. I looked for an opportunity to change the subject.

‘Suzanne, there’s a new romantic comedy on at the cinema that is being well-reviewed, what if I were to treat you, as a way of saying ‘thank you’ for everything,’ I asked.

‘That is kind of you to offer Clare, but if you don’t mind I’d rather stay in and watch a video or else just chat together.’

I couldn’t help noticing that Suzanne was in a worse physical condition than she liked to admit. The strength in her arms and legs was gradually deteriorating and she needed help in an increasing number of areas. Furthermore, the bouts of coughing and breathlessness that I’d witnessed before were becoming a regular, almost daily, feature and were not always associated with strenuous activity. She seemed to be particularly poorly on the Thursday morning and I became quite concerned.

‘Shouldn’t you be consulting a doctor about your breathlessness Suzanne?’ I asked.

‘Clare, I’ve been seeing doctors at regular intervals ever since I was twenty-one and I know exactly what is happening to me. There’s nothing to be done, the muscular dystrophy has begun to affect my heart and lungs, giving rise to bouts of pneumonia and will eventually lead to heart failure. One of those conditions will finish me off in the not too distant future,’ she answered in her matter-of-fact manner.

‘I hate to say this Suzanne, but if your condition gets any worse, then you won’t be able to cope with living on your own.’

‘I know and I promise that I’ll organise some home help for myself early in the New Year. In the meanwhile though, please do me a favour and help me to disguise the fact from Christine and Eleanor. I only need to keep well until after Christmas. That’s why I was so pleased that you’ll be staying with me this week Clare.’

There were now two different reasons that I was pleased to have been ‘persuaded’ to stay with her for this week. I did what I could to help so that by Thursday evening she’d largely recovered.

‘I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I’ll cancel my trip into work tomorrow afternoon if you like,’ I said.

‘No, please don’t, I’d really like you to go and to hear how you get on with your workmates. You’ve been looking and acting so naturally as Clare these last few days that I’m sure they’ll be most impressed with you. In any event, you’re going to need that bottle of solvent.’

‘Alright, I’ll go as long as you’re feeling well enough to be left tomorrow.’

---

The following morning I checked on Suzanne’s condition to ensure that she was still feeling better before deciding to go ahead with my promised visit. She was adamant that she was well and that I should go ahead. I then spoke to Debbie on the phone to check that all was still well with our plan and told her to expect my arrival at 2.30pm. I wanted to give my workmates the impression that I’d spent the morning working in an office, and so I chose a smart dark red two-piece suit and white blouse from the wardrobe provided for me by Suzanne. I also found a plain black handbag and a pair of matching medium-heeled shoes. As usual, I went to some trouble over my hair and makeup and had no need of any help from Suzanne. By the middle of the morning my friend was still feeling better and she suggested that the two of us should have an early lunch together in a nearby café before Clare made her way into her work.

‘Good luck with your visit this afternoon young lady. If you perform as well today as you did when you met my friends a couple of weeks ago, you should get on alright. You certainly look very smart and I’m proud to have you as my cousin. You don’t look or act remotely like Tom these days. In fact I’ve quite forgotten what he looks like,’ said Suzanne.

‘Today will be that much more difficult for me since I’ll be talking to two people who know Tom quite well.’

‘Would it be such a disaster if they do recognise you?’ she asked.

‘No, I suppose not, but it will boost my confidence if they don’t do so. If I’m going to Debbie’s party dressed as Clare, then I’ll have to explain the situation to them at some point. I’ll be a little disappointed if either of them should recognise me before I decide to tell them though.’

‘You seem to be confident enough of being accepted as a woman whenever you go out these days.’

‘Yes, the hair extensions and the makeup do help in that respect. I’m no longer worried that my wig might be blown off, or that I might be recognised by anyone in the street, but it’s a different matter when you’re talking to people who already know you.’

‘I suggest you use the same tactic as you did when you first met my friends, and try to appear to be a friendly and confident person. It’ll be a contrast to Tom’s more shy and self-effacing personality.’

‘I’ll do my best to do so. In fact I do seem to be more confident and talkative as Clare than I did as Tom.’

‘Yes, both Debbie and I have noticed that as well.’

---

After lunch I made my way across London to the office. It was the last afternoon before the Christmas break and all work had finished at our office by the time I arrived to find my three colleagues sharing a bottle of wine together and eating mince pies. I’d prepared my introductory spiel and taken a deep breath before I went in.

‘Hi Debbie, so this is what you do all day at work then,’ I said as I entered the office.

Debbie looked round and smiled at me. I could see she approved of how I looked.

‘Hi Clare, I’m glad you could pop by on your way home. Please come in and have a mince pie! Let me also introduce you to my colleagues Helen and Karen.’

Helen smiled and said hello to me, but didn’t attempt to shake my hand as her own hands were occupied with a glass of wine and a mince pie. Karen also nodded in acknowledgment. There appeared to be no immediate sign of recognition by either of them.

Debbie went to pour me a glass of wine and whilst she was doing so I tried to make conversation with the others,

‘So are there just the three of you working in the office?’ I asked.

‘No there’s also our young man, Tom, but he’s on leave until after Christmas,’ said Helen.

‘It was a pity he couldn’t be here to join in our little Christmas celebration,’ commented Debbie as she handed me a drink.

‘Never mind, your friend can take his place and have his glass of wine and mince pie,’ said Karen.

---

For the next twenty minutes or so, I joined in the conversation with the others regarding their various plans and preparations for the Christmas holidays, and the presents that they had bought or hoped to receive. The conversation proceeded quite naturally and I seemed to be accepted without question. Neither of the older women appeared to act in any way awkwardly or suspiciously towards me. Eventually, as previously arranged with Debbie, I asked whether I might use the office toilet so that there would be an opportunity for them to discuss me in my absence. Debbie later related to me the conversation that took place once I was out of earshot.

‘So what do you both think of my friend Clare?’ asked Debbie.

‘She seems nice enough,’ answered Karen politely, not sure what answer Debbie was wanting.

‘Does she remind you of anyone you know?’

‘I don’t think so. I was puzzled at first by her voice as it sounded like someone I knew, but I couldn’t place it, but as far as I know we’ve never met before.’

‘For a while I thought her voice sounded a little like Tom, but of course she doesn’t look anything like him,’ added Helen.

‘You think not? Have a good look at ‘her’ face when she comes out of the loo,’ said Debbie.

---

I emerged from the toilet, having first checked that my hair and makeup were alright. I came out smiling, knowing that my colleagues now probably knew the truth about my identity.

‘Tom! Is that really you?’ asked Helen incredulously.

I blushed deeply.

‘Yes I’m afraid so, but if you don’t mind, I’d prefer if you called me Clare when I’m dressed like this,’ I answered.

‘Good heavens! You look … incredible. Whatever have you done to yourself?’ asked Karen. After a slight hesitation she added the word ‘Clare.’

‘Nothing too drastic,’ I answered smiling. ‘At least nothing that can’t be fairly easily undone after Christmas.

‘Well you’d better tell us the whole story,’ said Helen.

I proceeded to tell the story of Clare once again and answer all the questions of my colleagues.

‘But you look entirely convincing as a girl. I’d never have guessed,’ commented Karen as soon as I’d finished my account.

‘I suppose it’s re-assuring to me to have you say so,’ I said, my face still blushing a little. ‘I seem to be able to pass as a young woman in public.’

‘Yes you do, but have you done this sort of thing before?’ asked Helen.

‘No I’d never thought of impersonating a woman before, but I do seem to be quite good at it, now that I’ve had a little practice.’

‘And you’ve been enjoying yourself too by the looks of things,’ added Karen.

I blushed, but there appeared to be no point in denying it.

‘Yes I suppose so.’

‘I’m trying to persuade Clare rather than Tom to come to my party at the New Year,’ added Debbie, changing the subject.

‘Oh yes, you must, and since you look so smart in that outfit you may come in to work as Clare after the holidays as well, if you want to,’ added Karen laughing.

‘No thank you! This transformation is strictly limited till Christmas. I’m still not even sure about the New Year party, but Tom will be certainly returning to work in January, as usual,’ I answered.

‘That’s a pity, I don’t think any of our customers would realise that it was Tom,’ added Karen.

I didn’t answer and so Karen didn’t push the point any further.

‘So what are you planning to wear to Debbie’s party Clare?’ asked Helen, ignoring my previous reservations.

‘I’ve no idea, and will have to think about that nearer the time, that is if I decide to go,’ I answered emphatically.

‘I could loan you a party frock that would suit, but I’m afraid you would have to provide your own shoes,’ said Debbie.

‘I’m rather broke at present, so I don’t think I’ll be buying any new shoes. If I do go I will have to wear one of the pairs of shoes provided by Suzanne.’

‘Does she have any that would be suitable for a party?’ asked Debbie

‘I’m not sure,’ I said.

‘The office has a  £60 surplus in the petty cash fund this year which I was going to divide between the four of us. Would you two agree to my contributing your  £15.00 to the ‘Cinderella shoe fund’ on the condition that she promises to come to the ball as Clare?’ Karen asked the others.

Helen and Debbie both agreed with the suggestion.

‘That would be fine, and I would be happy to take you out shopping in the sales after Christmas — so I’m sure we would be able to find something suitable without it costing you anything,’ said Debbie.

‘Thank you very much, all three of you but I’m not promising anything. I’ll see how I feel after Christmas,‘ I replied.

‘Alright then I’ll telephone you on Boxing Day and we can make the necessary arrangements for our shopping trip then,’ said Debbie ignoring the possibility that I might decide not to go.

---

It wasn’t until I was on the tube train returning to Suzanne’s flat that I realised that, with all the excitement, I’d entirely forgotten to ask Debbie for the bottle of solvent — which had been the original reason for my visit. I thought about going back, but knew that my colleagues were planning to close the office for the Christmas holiday and there was a good chance that everyone would have left by the time I got there. I therefore telephoned Debbie to explain the situation.

‘Oh I’m sorry Clare, the bottle was in my handbag all the time and I have it with me now. I suppose we were both so concerned with introducing you to the others that I forgot to remind you about it.’

‘That’s alright, it was my fault as well; I quite forgot to ask you for it. Perhaps we could meet up somewhere this weekend so you can hand it over?’

‘I’m sorry but I’ve already arranged for my father to collect me this evening and I’ll be away until Boxing Day. I could put it in the post to you though, if you wish.’

‘No, please don’t do that!’ I said. ‘The package might get broken, or at least delayed in the Christmas post and end up sitting around in a sorting office over the holiday.’

‘In that case what do you want me to do with it?’

‘I suppose the breast forms are not uncomfortable and still appear to be stuck on securely. I’ve already promised Suzanne to remain as Clare until after Christmas, so I may as well stay as I am for the time being. I’ll have to collect the bottle of solvent from you when we go out shopping together.’

‘Very well, as long as you don’t mind,’ answered Debbie.

‘I don’t think I have much choice in the matter,’ I said.

‘No I suppose not, but in that case you may as well resign yourself to having a good time as Clare over Christmas,’ answered Debbie.

‘Alright since it appears that the fates are quite determined for me to do so. I’ll speak to you on Boxing Day. In the meanwhile, have a good Christmas yourself Debbie.’

Debbie laughed.

‘Actually I slipped the bottle of solvent in to your handbag whilst you were in the toilet, but I wanted to see how you would react to the idea of having to keep the breast forms on.’

Clare and Suzanne spend Christmas together

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 12

The Christmas holiday

Suzanne was still feeling reasonably well when I returned to the flat and she insisted on hearing all about my visit to the office and the reactions of my colleagues. I was feeling quite elated and the visit had been a big boost to my confidence, just as the trip to the hairdresser had been the week before.

‘I knew that you’d be alright, you have a natural feminine charm,’ she commented after I’d finished.

‘So it would seem, but I’d no idea that Tom appeared to the world as being so effeminate,’ I answered.

‘Tom wasn’t especially ‘effeminate’, he rather presented as a kind and gentle young man. It was only after we transformed you into Clare that your innate feminine character became apparent.’

‘I see,’ I said not quite knowing what it all meant.

I noted that she’d used ‘we’ when referring to the creation of Clare and wondered who exactly she was referring to, herself and Debbie or whether I was involved as well, or just the passive focus of their games.

‘So you seem to have enjoyed yourself again today, young lady.’

‘I suppose it felt good when they didn’t know that it was Tom speaking to them, and just treated me as if I were a young woman.’

‘But don’t Debbie and I do that as well?’

‘Yes, you are both very kind to me, but it is different, somehow, as you already know about my origins. That is why I am quite looking forward to meeting your friends again, since they do not know, and will just accept me for what I am.’

‘Hmm,’ said Suzanne without committing herself further, but didn’t seem anxious to spell out what she was thinking.

I therefore changed the subject.

‘What do you think about Debbie’s proposed shopping trip to the sales?’

‘That will be fine by me if you want to go. In any event, we’ll probably be fed up with the sight of one another by the 27th,’ she joked. ‘If you like, I’ll contribute a further  £20 to your shoe fund.’

‘No, that’s alright thank you Suzanne, you’ve spent more than enough money on me this holiday as it is.’

Suzanne smiled and touched my hand.

‘Believe me Clare, it has been my pleasure to do so,’ she added.

---

That evening I carefully removed my two breast forms using the solvent, intending to put them back on the following morning. They had been in place for the last week and I’d gotten quite used to having them, that most of the time I forgot all about them, except when I was getting dressed or in the shower. They didn’t appear to have done me any harm, but it was good to be able to have a good wash and to allow my own skin a few hours to recover before they went back on again. It felt distinctly odd to be flat-chested once more, and I was conscious that my clothes no longer fitted so well, so I used the breast forms that Suzanne had originally made for me.

---

The last two days before Christmas were spent by us both in a fairly leisurely manner. It took me a bit of time to stick my boobs back into place the next morning, and I didn’t make such a good job as when Debbie had helped me. They were fixed quite securely but I wasn't as successful at disguising the joins as my friend. Nevertheless, I was pleased to have them back in place again and I wasn’t planning to wear anything particularly revealing over the next few days. It even went through my mind to wonder what it would be like to have breasts of my own, but I quickly put that thought out of my mind.

I did my own and Suzanne’s laundry and helped to finish decorating the flat. I also went out for a few last minute purchases in the locality, on the Saturday afternoon mainly to ensure that Suzanne had sufficient supplies of her medications to cover the holiday period. During the evening I wrapped the presents that I’d bought for Suzanne and her two friends and placed them next to the artificial Christmas tree that I’d help Suzanne to erect. As I did so I realised that I’d now become quite adept with my hands despite having long finger nails. This made me realise that there wasn’t anything about being Clare that now felt particularly unusual. I was now quite used to having long hair, long fingernails, breasts, wearing high heels, and a dress. I could now insert earrings into my pierced ears without giving the matter any thought. I could also make up my face properly in a fraction of the time it once took and wearing cosmetics no longer felt strange. In fact I quite enjoyed the time I spent in front of my dressing table mirror at the beginning and end of each day as it gave me a chance to reflect upon my life.

It was during one of these periods that I wondered what my mother would have said, or thought, if she had been alive to see me. She was not exactly the feminine type herself and didn’t go in for pretty dresses or makeup, but she never condemned or looked down on anybody who did so. Also she stressed to me that I should be my own person and I had a sneaking suspicion that she would not be upset, especially after what she had said to me on her death bed. My father, on the other hand, was a different matter and I had no idea how he might react if he could see me. He was never an angry or a violent man, but I am not sure whether he would understand the thoughts feelings that were beginning to form in my head, and I would not wish to be a disappointment to him.

---

Christmas Eve was a Sunday. I de-fuzzed my arms and legs in the shower that morning before washing my hair and put it up in rollers. I also carefully checked my breast forms to make sure these were still secure but found no problems. I then began to check the condition of my finger nails, removing the old nail varnish and replacing it with new.

‘Would you like me to paint your toe nails for you as well Clare?’ asked Suzanne as I was waiting for my nails to dry.

‘Is that necessary in the depths of winter? I’m hardly likely to be wearing open-toed shoes,’ I replied.

‘No, it’s not really necessary, but it would be one more minor detail, and I thought you’d got beyond the stage where you would automatically resist any suggestion to make you look a little more girly. I any event, if I do your toe nails I can then ask you to do mine afterwards’

‘Alright then, you win, please go ahead and do them and then I’ll do the same for you,’ I replied laughing.

‘Suzanne, why did you decide to give me a makeup lesson on that first occasion I became Clare in November? Was it just because you wanted me to stand in as your cousin?’ I asked as I was painting her toe nails.’

‘No that idea only came to me later when I saw how nice you looked. It was just that you never seemed to be quite comfortable in your body somehow. It was just an idea I had to give you an opportunity to sample another way of life.’

‘Oh,’ I said not quite sure what I thought about her answer.

After a minute or two of silence, Suzanne suddenly perked up.

‘I know why don’t we also give one another a facial when you’ve finished with my toe nails, so we look our best tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Alright, if you feel well enough to do so, but you’ll have to show me what I need to do,’ I replied.

Suzanne emerged from the bathroom with a shower cap to cover my hair and a tube of bright green cream, which she proceeded to smooth over my face. The sensation was quite pleasant, but the effect was quite startling when I looked at myself in the mirror.

‘Now you can do the same for me.’

I proceeded to do so and we spent a couple of hours in our dressing gowns watching daytime television before eventually removing the cream.

‘How does it feel?’ asked Suzanne when it was finished.

I rubbed my hand over my chin, and was glad that I could feel no trace of hair.

‘Very smooth.’

---

Eleanor rang Suzanne during the afternoon and I could hear they were discussing the arrangements for the following day.

‘So what will be happening tomorrow?’ I asked when she came off the phone.

‘Eleanor will be coming to collect us in her car at about 11.00 am. There won’t be room in her car for my wheelchair, but I don’t think I’ll need it, if you can give me a hand getting in and out of the car.’

‘Yes of course.’

‘If you don’t mind we had better get up early to ensure that we are both ready in plenty of time.’

‘That will be fine by me, I’m normally up and showered by about 8.00am in any event,’ I replied.

‘Shall we exchange our presents over breakfast then?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Yes that’ll be nice.’

‘Eleanor also asked me if you had found a job yet and were willing to stay.’

‘What did you say to her?’

‘I said that you had been offered a job to start in mid-January and would be staying in my flat. I hope you’ll be willing to confirm that tomorrow.’

‘Of course I’ll do so, if you want me to, but please don’t forget that I already have a job, a flat, and various possessions in the name of Tom Evans.’

‘I know but I’m not expecting you actually to stay with me, merely to confirm your intention of doing so.

‘What will happen when she discovers it’s not true?’

‘They will both be abroad, and anyway I’ll have arranged a live-in helper by then.’

‘Alright, I’ll back-up your story but I hope you know what are doing, Suzanne.’

‘Yes, of course I do.’

She decided to change the subject.

By the way, Clare, have you decided what you’re going to wear tomorrow?’

‘There’s that rather smart brown trouser suit,’ I suggested.

‘It would look nice on you but I think you ought to wear a dress for Christmas day at least. The rest of us will be doing so, and you wouldn’t want to be the odd one out,’ she said.

‘Alright, I’ll wear the light blue, if you don’t think it looks too dressy.’

‘No that’ll be just right. Now I think I’d better have an early night.’

‘Alright, would you like me to help you get undressed?’ I asked.

‘No I think I should be ok tonight thanks.’

‘Good night then Suzanne’, I said kissing her on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to sample another way of life over the last few weeks.’

‘It’s me who should be thanking you, Clare; I’m not sure how I would have managed without you.’

As I sat at my dressing table cleaning off my makeup I thought about what might otherwise have been my alternative Christmas, alone in my bedsit.

---

As promised, I was awake and out of bed before 8.00am. I was making my way to the shower in my nightdress and slippers when I found that, for once, Suzanne was already up and had even prepared a pot of coffee and some buttered toast.

‘Merry Christmas Clare! Sit down and have some coffee and toast. You can get yourself showered and dressed afterwards,’ said Suzanne.

‘Merry Christmas Suzanne! How are you feeling this morning?’

‘Not too bad thank you. I’m a little breathless as usual these days, but I’ve felt much worse.’

‘Just let me go to the loo, and then I’ll join you.’

By the time I emerged five minutes later, Suzanne had also brought our Christmas presents to one another and put them on the table.

I sat down and she handed me a parcel wrapped in Christmas paper. It had a label addressed “To my dear cousin, Clare.” In turn I handed her a somewhat smaller gift-wrapped package.

‘I hope it’s alright, I wasn’t sure what to get you, but I noticed that your supplies are getting quite low’ I said.

Suzanne opened her parcel first.

‘A ‘Lancome — Poeme’ gift set, this is quite expensive stuff, and I know you don’t have a lot of spare money, thank you very much,’ she answered, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Now you can open your present.’

I took the wrapping off a black cardboard box. Inside was a lingerie set in dark-blue silk, together with a matching nightdress and housecoat.

‘Suzanne, these are really lovely’, I said holding up a camisole to my chest and looking at myself in the mirror. ‘You should never have spent so much on me, particularly after the paying for my hair extensions as well.’

‘I ordered them off the Internet, and they were delivered ten days ago. I just wanted you to have some nice underclothes of your own for Christmas, rather than only the ones that I have passed on to you.’

I blushed.

‘Thank you, but I’ve bought some for myself as well you know.’

‘Yes, I know, but a girl can never have too many underclothes, and in any event these are for special occasions.’

‘Does today count as a special occasion?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course it does, that was the main object of my getting up so early this morning, before you had a chance to get yourself dressed.’

‘Do you need any help to get yourself washed and dressed Suzanne?’ My cousin sighed.

‘I could probably manage by myself but it’ll take much more time if I do so. Would it embarrass you to help me with such an intimate thing as getting me washed and dressed?’ asked Suzanne.

‘No, not at all, not when I’m Clare. I suppose it might have done so if you had asked Tom to help in this manner. Does it embarrass you?’

‘I’ll have to resign myself to accepting such help in the future, but for the time being I would also find it to be far less embarrassing coming from Clare than from Tom’ she replied.

‘Come on then, let us get ourselves ready.’

---

I helped Suzanne to get herself washed and dressed before having a shower myself and putting on my new lingerie. I was now quite used to wearing panties and a bra, having done so every day for the last ten days, but these were particularly lacy, and in any event, it was more than a month since I’d worn stockings and a suspender belt.

‘What do you think Suzanne?’ I asked, coming in to her room wearing my new lingerie and housecoat.

‘You look quite sexy, and that colour really suits you. How do they feel on?’

‘They feel really soft and sensuous. Girls get to wear much nicer underwear than guys.’

‘I should have thought you’d discovered that several weeks ago. It’s a pity you don’t have someone to show them off to’ added Suzanne.

‘I’m showing them off to you.’

‘You know what I mean — someone special.’

‘I don’t think too many girls would fancy me wearing this outfit,’ I answered.

‘I wouldn’t be so sure, and there are also plenty of guys who would,’ she replied.

I didn’t respond, preferring to keep my thoughts on this matter to myself.

‘Would you like me to help you put your hair up?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Yes please. If you’re able to,’ I replied. ‘I’ll just finish dressing and put on my makeup first.’

---

We were both ready, looking our best with immaculately styled hair by the time Eleanor called to collect us at 11 o’clock and take us back to her flat. I hadn’t seen Eleanor or her partner since our initial meeting at the end of November, but recalled that the best approach was for me to try to convey an air of confidence about myself. This was much easier for me to do as Clare than it would have been as Tom. This time I was a guest and wouldn’t be able to hide away in the kitchen or busy myself serving food. I would be expected to take a full part in the conversation. I had however grown in confidence and experience since I’d last met them. I’d even prepared one or two stories about my childhood Christmases, to portray myself as a little girl and talked about my favourite dolls and the clothes I used to wear. Thus I managed to answer all of their questions without attracting suspicion. It did feel different to be accepted as a woman by a couple who did not know any different.

Eventually we got round to the subject that was on their minds.

‘How did you get on job hunting Clare,’ asked Christine as we were just finishing our Christmas lunch.

‘I’ve been offered a job beginning soon after the holidays’ I lied.

I was asked for more details and so I converted Tom’s job into the one that I’d supposedly applied for, and told them all about it.

‘When do you start?’ she asked.

‘I'll start the first full week after the New Year.’

I knew that they would be gone by then.

‘So does that mean you’ll be staying with you cousin?’ asked Eleanor.

I looked across to Suzanne.

‘Yes, I will, for the time being at least, until I can find somewhere of my own. That is, if Suzanne will have me of course.’

‘You know that you’re most welcome to stay for as long as you want,’ added Suzanne smiling.

I noticed Christine and Eleanor exchanged glances and looked relieved thereafter.

---

I believe that Christmas day was enjoyed by everyone, although there was also a degree of sadness as well. Christine and Eleanor were almost packed up ready to move overseas, in just over a week’s time and were a mixture of excited and apprehensive. Suzanne had a nagging suspicion that she’d never see them again and suspected that this would be her last Christmas. I couldn’t celebrate without thinking back to previous years when my mother was alive and healthy. Nevertheless, everyone was determined to enjoy themselves, although by the end of the evening Suzanne began to look very tired. Shortly before midnight, Suzanne at last admitted that she’d had enough and so Eleanor gave us both a lift home. I helped my friend inside and to get herself undressed and ready for bed.

‘Thanks again Clare, you’ve played your part well once again this evening. I’m not sure whether you are a very good actor or whether it is your true personality beginning to blossom. In either event, Christine and Eleanor are now quite satisfied that I’ll be in good hands when they leave next week,’ said Suzanne.

‘You’re welcome, I’ve had a good time today, and over the last ten days,’ I replied.

‘Yes, you have cheerfully done everything that I’ve asked of you. I therefore give my full permission for you to dress however you please tomorrow and for the remainder of your stay.’

A shopping trip with Debbie

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 13

A shopping trip with Debbie

I was a little taken aback by Suzanne’s announcement, on our return to her flat, that I could dress as I wished for the remainder of my stay.

‘Oh!’ I said; ‘but I thought you wanted me to remain as Clare until Debbie’s party.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I’d be delighted to have you remain as Clare for as long as you wish, but if you do so from now onwards, it is because you have decided to do so, rather than because anyone is putting pressure on you.’

I hesitated.

‘But you’ve paid so much for me to have these hair extensions and have supplied me with nice clothes to wear.’

‘Yes I know; in addition to convincing Eleanor and Christine, I wanted to give you the opportunity of seeing what it was like to be a young woman. But I’ve been thinking about your situation over the last few days and feel that, from now onwards, you should take responsibility for how you choose to live and dress.’

‘It’s not as simple as that Suzanne. Remember that Debbie is expecting me to go on a shopping trip with her tomorrow. Also, she persuaded me to change into Clare at my flat ten days ago and so I arrived here without any of Tom’s clothes. If I wanted to change back, I would have to go home and collect something to wear first.’

‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten that, but I could always loan you some jeans and a unisex sweater if you wish,’ said Suzanne smiling.

‘I’ll see how I feel about things in the morning,’ I replied, ‘but maybe I ought to call in at my flat to collect some of Tom’s clothes, just in case.’

‘Very well, please do whatever you wish, but from now onwards you must take responsibility for who you are and what you wear.’

---

As I was removing my makeup and fixing my hair before I went to bed, I went through the events of the previous month in my mind, trying to work out what I thought of it all. I’d initially allowed myself to be changed into Clare, and then, to some degree, had been encouraged to do so again on a number of subsequent occasions. Yet I had to admit that I’d always enjoyed my times spent as a young woman and had not resisted the schemes of my two female friends, as I might easily have done. Now, after having had a most agreeable time, Suzanne was suddenly taking off the pressure from me. I had to decide for myself whether or not I wished to continue with things as they were. Yet it could only be for one more week at most. After all, I had a job, a flat, and indeed a different life to go back to. Eventually, I changed into the nightdress that came with the set Suzanne had given me for Christmas and went to bed without having made any certain decision one way or the other.

---

On Boxing Day morning I woke and immediately noticed the pleasant sensation of wearing the silk nightdress, and gradually remembered my indecision of the previous night. I sat up in bed and looked at myself across the room in the dressing table mirror, brushing the long strands of hair from my face. I then examined my painted fingernails, and touched the studs that were in my ears, and which no longer gave me any discomfort. There was really no point in my changing back into Tom on that day, or indeed until after Debbie’s forthcoming party on Saturday. If, therefore, I was going to remain as Clare then I might as well make the best of things and enjoy myself. It also seemed silly for me to put on jeans and a sweater, whilst I retained my long hair and polished nails and had so many other nice clothes to wear. I shrugged my shoulders and went for a shower before going to the wardrobe and choosing some feminine looking clothes to wear for Boxing Day.

Suzanne was still fast asleep by the time I’d dressed, so I sat down and fixed my face and hair giving both the ‘full works’, so there would be no question in Suzanne’s mind as to my intention when she awoke.

---

‘Good morning Clare, you look nice again this morning, ’ said Suzanne cheerfully when she eventually emerged from her bedroom. ‘It looks as if you’ve decided whether you’re going to stay as you are for the next few days.

I blushed before answering.

‘I did promise to Debbie that I would go to her party as Clare and she has offered to loan me a party dress. Also she wants to take me shopping for some shoes tomorrow, so perhaps I’d better remain as I am for the time being.’

Suzanne laughed.

‘Alright, you can blame Debbie for your remaining as Clare for the next few days, if you like, but there must soon come a time when you’ll have to take responsibility for deciding in what gender you’re going to spend your time.’

‘I’m sure you’re right, Suzanne, but it is quite difficult to come to terms with the fact that I enjoy spending time living in a different gender from the one in which I was brought up.’

She looked at my quizzically, as if she didn’t quite believe me, but didn’t say anything.

---

Suzanne was feeling a little stronger that morning, but she still appreciated my help in getting herself washed and dressed, and we chatted together happily as we did so. Debbie also rang during the course of the morning to wish us both a happy Christmas and I confirmed my intention of going to her party in a dress, to which she said she was pleased, but didn’t sound particularly surprised. Debbie was a natural chatterbox, but I doubt whether I’d spent more than ten minutes on any telephone call in my life until then, but now I found myself joining in quite naturally, asking about her presents and what she’d done over the holiday and describing my own and the events of our Christmas. In what seemed like no time, I realised that we’d spent more than an hour talking together.

‘Dad is beginning to make frantic gestures to me about using the phone,’ she said. ‘So what are the arrangements for tomorrow?’

‘What do you suggest?’

‘Dad will be driving me home this afternoon, and he'll stay in my flat tonight. He could bring me over to your place on his way back tomorrow morning. That way I’ll be able to bring over my dress for you to try on. If it suits you, we can then get a tube train into central London to go to the Sales and look out for a pair of shoes to go with it.

‘Alright, but I’ll need to call in to my flat to collect one or two things for Tom to wear after your party. It shouldn’t take long and we can do that on the way to the tube station I said.’

‘You’re not planning to change back before my party are you?’ she asked, slightly anxious.

‘No, but I want to have something of Tom’s to hand, just in case of emergencies.’

‘Can’t you do that afterwards?’

‘I could do so but the house is likely to be empty just now and in any event I’m going to need Tom’s bank card for our shopping trip.’

---

So what do you think?,’ I asked the others the following morning as I tried on Debbie’s pale pink party dress and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. ‘Does it suit me?’

I was fairly sure it looked good on me, but wanted their reassurance, all the same.

‘It looks lovely on you Clare, and is just your colour,’ commented Suzanne. ‘Of course you’ll have to change the colour of your nail varnish, but I can let you have some that will match.’

‘I knew that dress would be just right for you,’ said Debbie. ‘You’ll look great wearing it on Saturday night, especially if you put your hair up in that style again. So it’s now just a question of our finding you the right pair of shoes to go with it.’

‘Alright then, give me a moment to put on another dress and I’ll be ready to go out,’ I replied.

---

As arranged, we called in to Tom’s flat on the way to the tube station; there was no sign of anyone else in the building at the time and it was very cold.

‘It looks as if the landlord has turned off the heating for the Christmas holiday as nobody was around,’ I said as I turned on the knob to open the vent of the electric storage heater and got no response.

‘Well you’re not going to be staying here for the next few nights so you needn’t worry about it now,’ said Debbie, anxious to get going.

I found Tom’s bank card, and started to put various items of his male attire into a plastic carrier bag.

‘Clare, you’re not planning to cart that bag around the West End whilst we go shopping today are you?’ said Debbie.

‘Well we’re only going to buy a pair of shoes.’

‘You don’t know that, you may find something else to take your fancy as well. You aren’t going to have need of any of Tom’s clothes for several days, so why not leave them here, for now, and collect them later?’

‘Alright then, I suppose you’re right,’ I said, putting down the bag on top of the heater. ‘Maybe we can collect them on our way home tonight.’

---

Debbie was right, not only did we find a dainty pair of white strappy sandals, with just enough of a heel to look good, that would go well with the dress, but there was also a matching handbag, both at a bargain price. Debbie also pointed out to me a nice pair of earrings and a matching necklace that would go well with the dress and I bought myself several pairs of tights. The total for all my purchases came to  £40 more than the money I’d been given, which was a lot for me to spend on an outfit for a single party, but she was right, they did all go well together. I withdrew the remainder from an ATM, thinking that January was going to be a bleak month for Tom. Debbie also purchased a number of bargains for herself, and so as we made our way back to Suzanne’s flat, all thought of making a detour to collect yet another bag containing Tom’s clothes was forgotten.

---

How did you both get on today?’ asked Suzanne, when we returned.

‘Pretty good, you can come and have a look at what we’ve bought if you wish,’ I replied.

We showed off our purchases, and I again tried on Debbie’s dress, this time with the new shoes and the necklace and earrings, just to confirm that they looked well together.

‘That dress shows off your cleavage rather nicely, but I do see a slight sign of the join?’ commented Debbie.

‘Yes, I know. Although I managed to stick them on quite firmly I didn’t do quite as good a job as you did. However, I’m getting quite used to having them.’

‘Maybe we should check up on them one more time, just to make sure that everything will be ok for the party?’

I agreed and stripped to the waist and Debbie applied the solvent and then carefully peeled off each breast. I felt a little discomfort as they came off, but once they were off there was no discoloration of the skin underneath.

‘These have been on now for twelve days. Are you sure they’re not sore?’ asked Debbie.

‘I did leave them off for one night before Christmas, but most of the time they feel fine,’ I replied.

‘Good, but I suggest that as you aren’t planning on doing anything energetic for the next couple of days, you should leave them unglued until my party, to give your skin a chance to recover. The forms should be ok as long as you’re wearing a bra. If you wish I’ll help you to stick them back properly on Saturday afternoon.

‘Would that be alright with you Suzanne, if we were to arrive a little bit early on Saturday?’ I asked.

‘Actually, I’ve been thinking this afternoon and I’m afraid that I won’t be coming on Saturday night Debbie. Thank you for asking me but I’m not really well enough to travel across London and stay up late again. I found Christmas day to be rather exhausting,’ said Suzanne.

‘Oh Suzanne, I can’t go without you,’ I said.

‘Yes you can, there will be several people that you know there, and if I were to go with you in a wheelchair, I might cramp your style. You never know you might even meet some dishy guy there, particularly as you’re going to look so good.’

I blushed at the prospect.

‘But I’ll need you to help me get myself ready and I don’t really fancy travelling across London dressed as Clare, on my own late at night.’

‘If you come over to my place during the afternoon, I would help replace your boobs and also help you to get ready,’ said Debbie. ‘You could even stay the night after the party if you’re anxious about the journey home, and don’t mind sharing a double bed with me.’

‘See Clare! You’ll be much better off without me on Saturday night. You and I will be able to spend New Year’s Eve together on the Sunday evening, instead,’ said Suzanne.

I hesitated about leaving Suzanne alone, but was now looking forward to Debbie’s party.

‘Alright, if you’re sure,’ I said a little reluctantly.

‘Yes, of course I’m sure’

‘In that case Clare, I’d better take the dress and your new shoes back to my flat now and I’ll see you sometime on Saturday afternoon,’ said Debbie.

‘Alright then, and I’ll also bring a change of clothes so I can stay on afterwards,’ she answered.

---

The next two days of that week were spent by Suzanne and I taking things fairly easy, eating and drinking and watching some girly films on television. Neither Suzanne nor I made any reference to my gender or choice of clothing during this time, we were just two girlfriends relaxing together. She did however remind me that I would need to change the colour of my nail polish from the deep red to a more feminine looking pink and offered to do it for me on Friday afternoon. I knew she would make a much better job of both my fingers and toes than I would, so I let her go ahead. I’d grown quite used to having long nails and felt that they made my hands look slimmer and more graceful. I did not mind the additional chore of having to look after them.

In retrospect, Suzanne was probably wise in declining to go to the party on Saturday. She seemed to tire quickly and needed help to get up and also to get ready for bed. I was happy to provide this help but was becoming anxious about how she would cope once I returned to my flat after the holiday. It was also just as well that I’d decided to remain as Clare, since Christine and Eleanor called round unexpectedly on Friday evening for a final farewell to Suzanne. They planned to visit relations over the New Year and then would be leaving immediately afterwards.

‘Please look after our friend, Clare,’ said Christine when they were out of earshot of Suzanne, ‘she isn’t at as well as she pretends to be.’

‘I know that and I promise I’ll do my best to keep an eye on her,’ I replied.

I actually meant it. Although I wouldn’t be living with Suzanne in the New Year I’d only be a few streets away, and had resolved to do as much as I could for her until she found some more permanent help.

---

By the Saturday it had been six weeks since I’d first dressed as Clare, and fifteen days since I’d lived entirely as a young woman. For once I decided to wear some slacks, but my chosen top, my long hair and makeup all proclaimed my adopted gender. I helped Suzanne to get up and ensured that she was set up comfortably for the day, and had everything she might need. I borrowed a small weekend case and packed my makeup and a change of clothing, before leaving the house.

‘Are you sure that you are going to be alright tonight Suzanne?’ I asked as I was leaving.

‘Yes of course, it’ll just take me a little bit longer to get myself ready — that’s all.’

‘You have my mobile number if you get in to any difficulties — I could always take a taxi back.’

‘I would call an ambulance first, now please don’t worry about me Clare, just go and have a good time tonight. You can tell me all about it when I see you tomorrow afternoon.’

I gave her a hug and then made my way to the tube station with a mixture of emotions. I was excited about the prospect of the party, sad about Suzanne’s condition and worried for her future, and also confused about whom I really was and, more to the point, whom I wanted to be. The latter part of 2006 had certainly been a disconcerting time for me and I wondered what 2007 might have in store.

I get to meet someone new at Debbie’s party

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 14

Debbie’s party

I arrived at Debbie’s house just over an hour after leaving Suzanne having negotiated my way across central London to Debbie’s house in Balham. She lived in a large Victorian family house which had been let to a group of young professional women, all in their early twenties. They had jointly decided to organise a New Year party for their friends.

Debbie answered her doorbell; she was wearing jeans, a baggy top, and large rollers in her hair.

‘Hi Clare, it’s good to see you, please come in,’ she said kissing me on the cheek. I handed over a bottle of wine as my contribution to the party, and also some flowers for her room, that I’d bought at the station. She showed me up to her bedroom on the first floor. It was quite large, somewhat more so than my own bed sit, and she also had access to a shared kitchen. Her room was furnished with a large built-in wardrobe, a dressing table, and an en-suite shower and toilet. I noticed my party dress was hanging on the wardrobe doors and my new shoes were on the floor underneath.

‘We’re going to have to share the shower and dressing table, but we should be alright. Now let’s sort out your boobs first of all, whilst the others are out, they should be back fairly soon and we do tend to wander in and out of one another’s rooms, so you should be a little careful,’ suggested Debbie.

‘Fine, I’m quite looking forward to having my boobs attached to me once again.’

‘Things do seem to have changed since I first put them on you a fortnight ago,’ she commented smiling.

‘Yes, I believe they have,’ I replied.

I stripped to my waist once again and lay on the bed. Debbie carefully replaced my breast forms and disguised the joins. Twenty minutes later it was as if they were a part of me once again. During this time we heard various female voices downstairs, as her housemates and their friends returned.

‘Thanks a lot Debbie, I feel so much better now that they are securely in place again.’

Debbie smiled, and I began to get myself dressed.

‘Will you need any help with your hair or your makeup later on?’ she asked.

‘I hope I’ll be able to manage alright, I’m now quite used to putting on makeup and Suzanne has been showing how to put my hair up, but I would welcome a last minute inspection just to be sure I look ok.’

‘Yes of course and you can do the same for me. If you like we can get ourselves ready together later.’

‘I should like that as long as I’m not in your way.’

‘I’m a little ahead of you,’ she said, pointing to her rollers. ‘So why don’t you come up at about six o’clock and take a shower, I’ll join you about ten minutes later.’

‘That sounds good to me. Is there anything I can do to help with the preparations in the meanwhile?’

Yes, by all means, come down and meet everyone in the kitchen and perhaps you could help preparing some snacks for an hour or two, but don’t leave it too late to get yourself ready.’

‘Do any of your housemates know about Tom?’ I asked hesitantly.

‘No. The only people who know your secret are me and your two colleagues, and I’ve sworn them both to secrecy. It’s therefore up to you to ensure that nobody else finds out or even suspects during the course of the evening, unless of course you want them to know,’ answered Debbie.

‘Thanks, I’ll do my best to keep things the way they are.’

---

We joined several other young women who were all about Debbie’s age in the kitchen and my friend introduced me to them as her workmate. My outlook and approach to life had changed since I’d become Clare and I now had more confidence. I soon found myself something to do to help and joined in the general conversation around the table, whilst Debbie continued with other last minute preparations for the party. It didn’t occur to me to be anxious about being unmasked.

Eventually, at about 6.00 pm I excused myself to go upstairs to begin to get myself ready for the evening. Debbie arrived, as promised, soon after I’d emerged from the shower, dressed in my underwear, and had begun putting my hair in rollers, and using her dryer. By the time she emerged from the shower she had just about caught up with me, but fortunately it was a large dressing table and there were two stools in the bedroom and so we could sit and do our makeup together.

‘You really are getting good with makeup Clare,’ said Debbie as she watched me do my eyes.

‘Thanks; I guess I’ve had a very good teacher over the last few weeks,’ I replied.

‘But Suzanne appears to have had an enthusiastic pupil.’

I shrugged.

‘Yes, I do quite enjoy making up my face and doing my hair.’

‘I used to do so as well, but when you have to do it every day for work some of the shine wears off, but I always enjoy getting ready for a special occasion.’

‘You always look smart when you come to work,’ I added.

‘You could too, if you wanted. I’m sure that Karen wouldn’t mind.

‘I don’t think so,’ I replied without exploring that topic further.

Instead we got to discussing Suzanne’s condition and our shared concerns for her future.

Once I’d finished with my hair and makeup and put on the new necklace and earrings, I put on the dress that Debbie was loaning to me and the new shoes. I then looked at myself in her full-length mirror. Debbie, who was almost finished herself, came up and stood behind me.

‘How do I look?’ I asked expectantly.

‘Clare you look absolutely stunning in that dress and your shoes and makeup are also just right.’

I certainly felt that I looked as feminine as Debbie, or any of her housemates.

‘You look lovely too, Debbie, but in your case it is the real thing,’ I answered with a note of sadness in my voice.

‘The real thing is what goes on up there,’ she replied, gently touching my forehead. ‘Anything else is just superficial, and, if necessary, can be fixed.’

I smiled and changed the subject.

‘Whilst we are on the subject of superficial, what about my boobs? This dress is rather revealing, are you sure that nobody will notice they’re not the real thing?’ I asked.

Debbie peered carefully at my cleavage.

‘Honestly Clare, I would never know that they were not genuine, but even in the event that someone did notice, lots of girls wear falsies these days.’

---

The guests began to arrive soon after 8.00pm. I didn’t know any of them, and so was quite pleased when Helen, Karen and their respective partners, arrived. My two colleagues promptly sent their escorts away to find something to drink and used the opportunity to congratulate me on my appearance.

‘You look even lovelier tonight than when we saw you before Christmas Clare,’ said Helen.

I blushed but was quite pleased by the compliment.

‘Let me have a look at these new shoes then’ added Karen

‘There you go, Debbie helped me to choose them’, I answered holding back my skirt so they were more visible.

‘They go well with that dress, and your hair looks most impressive too,’ said Helen.

‘Thank you, I styled it by myself,’ I answered proudly, ‘but please be careful what you say about me when others are in earshot.’

‘Don’t worry, Debbie has already warned us, and we both promise to be careful. So far I’ve seen nothing about you that would raise any suspicions.’

‘So this is how you’ve been dressing since I last saw you?’ asked Karen.

‘Well not exactly, I have made a particular effort for tonight.’

‘But we’ll not be seeing Clare at work next week.’

‘Sorry, but no, this little adventure will be coming to an end tomorrow, by which time I’ll have fulfilled all my commitments.’

‘That’s a pity you look so nice as a girl. I’m sure that we would be happy to work with Clare rather than Tom if you ever change your mind.’

‘Thanks for the offer, Karen, but my life is quite complicated enough as it is,’ I replied.

Karen’s boyfriend returned with drinks for the three of us at that point and so the conversation moved on to other matters.

---

The party went well, and Debbie introduced me to a number of her friends of both sexes. She was undoubtedly the ‘life and soul of the party’, and appeared to know everyone. I noticed that she embraced several guys and was clearly having a good time, but there seemed to be nobody special at present. I couldn’t spend the whole evening chatting to my workmates and so did my best to circulate. At one point I found myself chatting with a group who clearly knew one another well, with the exception of a slightly shy young man in his mid-twenties. Gradually the others in the group moved away to dance or else to get some food, leaving the two of us together.

‘Hi, I’m Andy. May I get you a drink?’

‘I’m Clare, and no thanks I already have one on the side there, but if you’re going into the kitchen you can bring me back a bite of food if you like,’ I replied smiling.

He did as I asked and soon returned with a plate of food finger-food, which we shared as we chatted together for half an hour or so. It transpired that he’d worked with Debbie in her previous job with a firm of stockbrokers and like me, he didn’t know many others at the party. He then asked me about how I came to know Debbie. I didn’t want to admit that I worked with her as then it would mean that I lived in London, and I could see that he was edging towards asking me out. So I made up a story that we were old friends and that I’d been staying with another friend in London over Christmas but would be returning home to Loughborough on New Year’s day.

‘That’s a pity, I was about to offer to show you some of the sights of London,’ he said.

I smiled that I’d been right in my prediction.

‘Thanks for the offer Andy, but I’m afraid I have to get back to work on Tuesday, and it’s a little too far to travel down from Leicestershire for an evening out,’ I replied.

He sighed and looked disappointed but accepted the situation and changed the subject. We stayed talking to one another for some time and enjoyed one another’s company. I even decided that I would dance with him if he asked me, but before he did so I noticed that Karen and her boyfriend were about to leave.

‘Goodbye Karen, I’ll see you on Tuesday’ I said.

She kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear.

‘Goodbye Clare, it has been really nice meeting you and please think about my suggestion.’

I smiled but said nothing.

---

Karen’s departure was followed soon afterwards by Helen and her husband, and one or two other guests. The party was now beginning to break up and I noticed that Andy was on the point of leaving, so I went over to say goodbye.

‘Goodbye Andy, it was nice talking to you’ I said smiling.

He looked as if he wasn’t sure whether to believe me or not, but decided to do so.

‘Are you sure I can’t telephone you sometime?’ he asked, hopefully.

‘Sorry, it wouldn’t really be practicable, but it has been nice to meet you,’ I replied.

I felt awkward and also a little sorry for him, knowing what it was like for a guy to lack confidence in social situations. On impulse, I went to kiss him on the cheek, but at the last moment he turned his head and I ended up kissing his lips. For a moment it seemed quite pleasurable, but then I felt the tip of his tongue and felt a pain between my legs as my penis began to grow. So I quickly turned away from him and returned inside, without looking back, knowing that my cheeks had turned bright red.

---

Once the guests had left Debbie’s housemates disappeared to their bedrooms together with their boyfriends. Debbie and I did a quick survey to make sure that everything was ok, but decided to leave the bulk of the clearing up until the morning.

‘I must say Clare, you were an absolute triumph tonight. You looked lovely in my dress, and I sure that nobody who didn’t already know would have suspected your secret.’

‘Thanks, it was good fun, but I’m glad it’s over now. However you appeared to be having a good time as well,’ I commented.

‘Yes it was a good chance to catch up with some old friends. By the way did I see you snogging with my friend Andy?’ she asked laughing.

‘It wasn’t supposed to be a snog, just a goodbye kiss on the cheek which missed its target,’ I replied blushing.

‘Did you like him then?’

‘He was ok to talk to, although perhaps a little shy.’

‘A bit like Tom used to be in that respect.’

‘Maybe, but it was Clare he was talking to tonight.’

‘Will you be seeing him again?’

‘No, I wouldn’t give him my telephone number, there’s no time and it would all be too complicated’ I answered.

‘That’s a pity, I think you two would go well together’.

‘I’ll just change out of this dress and these shoes and then help you to clear up after the party,’ I said wishing to change the subject.

‘I would rather do it in the morning when the others will be around as well, if you’re still willing to help then,’ said Debbie.

‘All right, as long as we can make a reasonably early start. I should like to look in on Suzanne by lunch time, then there will be the complex an arduous task of changing myself back in to Tom,’ I replied.

‘Remember that you’ve promised to spend tomorrow evening with Suzanne and Monday is a Bank Holiday, so you could change back then.’

‘Yes I suppose so. It has been a great couple of weeks living as Clare, but I’m soon going to have to pick up the threads of Tom’s life once again.’

Debbie didn’t respond but led the way upstairs to her room.

---

Ever since that first Sunday when we met, Debbie appeared to have accepted me as Clare, and she had no inhibitions about getting undressed in front of me or even sharing her double bed. She didn’t need to spell out that it was just two girlfriends sharing a bed in order to get some sleep, it was just understood between us. So we chatted happily together as we removed our makeup.

‘How are your boobs?’ asked Debbie.

‘Fine thanks, how are yours?’ I asked with a smile.

‘Clearly they aren't as attractive as yours,’ she replied smiling. ‘I noticed a couple of guys peering down your cleavage during the course of the evening.’

I blushed, as I hadn’t really been aware.

‘I guess that dress is a little revealing.’

‘Don’t worry, you’ll know better next time, but what I meant to say was: are they comfortable and still on securely?’

‘ They feel fine. At present they feel as if they could happily stay in place forever.’

I blushed again, not having intended to spell out what was then going through my mind. Debbie noticed my embarrassment and decided not to pursue the issue.

‘Do you need to borrow some of my pyjamas?’ she asked.

‘No I’m fine thanks, Suzanne bought me a lingerie set for Christmas with a nightdress,’ I said, retrieving it from my bag, and holding it up in front of me for her to see.

‘Very nice!’

We got into bed and turned the light out.

‘Tell me Debbie, why exactly have you devoted so much attention to Clare over the last few weeks.’

‘Selfish reasons, I guess. Tom was not exactly the most interesting colleague to work with, and whatever happens from now onwards, we’ll always have something interesting to talk about. I don’t think Tom will be able to go quite so far back into his shell again, and, in any event, I hope there will be opportunities for us to meet Clare again.’

---

We both got up early the next morning as I’d promised to help Debbie and her housemates to clear up after the party. I dressed fairly simply with a denim skirt and a plain top together with a minimum of makeup. As there were a number of helpers, the task of putting everything to rights only took a couple of hours, when the two others in the house returned to their respective rooms and Debbie and I stopped for a cup of coffee and some toast in the kitchen. My mobile phone started to ring. I looked at the display, expecting the call to be from Suzanne, but I didn’t recognise the number. I therefore answered the call with ‘hello’ in a non committal and androgynous voice. The caller asked to speak to Tom Evans. Only Debbie was within earshot and so I confirmed that I was Tom and tried to adopt a more masculine sounding voice.

‘Mr Evans, this is Simon Johnson of the Andrews and Johnson letting agency. I’m afraid to tell you that there was a fire in your room last night. Most of your belongings appear to have been damaged by smoke and your room is currently uninhabitable. Please will you come down to see us as soon as possible.’

Picking up the pieces after the fire

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 15

A happy New Year

The sudden news about the fire in my flat stunned me for a couple of seconds and I didn’t answer the agent’s question.

‘Hello, Mr Evans, are you still there?’ asked Simon Johnson.

‘Er, yes, sorry, whatever happened?’

‘The fire brigade say that you appear to have left a plastic bag containing some clothes on top of one of the storage heaters, in contravention of the notice warning you not to do so. The bag had been smouldering for a day or two, but eventually caught light when the heaters came on again last night. Fortunately, one of your neighbours noticed some smoke in the hallway and called the fire brigade otherwise the whole house might have gone up in flames.’

‘What about everything in my room?’

‘That’s why you need to come and inspect your belongings. It looks as if there’s been a fair amount of smoke damage to your clothes and other belongings, and also some damage from the residue left by the fire extinguishers. There’s also the issue of your having to find yourself somewhere else to live. I’m afraid that under the terms of your contract you will be forfeiting the damage deposit on your flat as the fire was clearly your fault. When can we meet to discuss your room?’

I thought for a moment before answering. Tom had never met the agent, but he had met several of the other people living in the house. I didn’t have time to change back into Tom, and it would only complicate matters if I were to turn up there on such an occasion dressed as Clare.

‘Mr Johnson, I’m currently staying with friends in Scotland, and can’t get down to London for a day or more, but I have a friend who knows where everything is in my room, could I arrange for her to meet you there this afternoon?’

‘Yes that’ll be alright — I’ll be at the house between one and two o’clock today.’

I closed down the call.

‘What was all that about Clare?’ asked Debbie, who had overheard my half of my conversation.

‘There was a fire in my flat last night. They want someone to go round and inspect the damage. Would you be willing to do that for me, and then come round to Suzanne’s flat and tell me the worst?’

‘Yes, of course I will, but are you insured?’

‘I do have a policy covering my personal possessions, but I’m not sure if they’ll pay out if the fire was judged to be my fault.’

‘I’m sure they will do, so as long as you didn’t start it deliberately.’

---

Debbie came with me on the train, and went then to talk to Mr Johnson and look at the damage to my flat, whilst I went to see Suzanne and explain what had happened. Debbie joined us about an hour later. She’d had the good sense to take a digital camera, and took out the memory card and inserted it into Suzanne’s computer so we could all see the extent of the damage.

‘I’m afraid it is pretty bad Clare. From what I can see there’s very little in your room that’s going to be worth saving. All of Tom’s clothes, your audio and video equipment and your CD collection appear to have been ruined by oily smoke or else by the extinguishers used to put out the fire. The room stinks and is going to need a fair amount of work before it can be made habitable again. The landlord is insured for the damage to his property but it won’t cover the loss of rent and he isn’t very happy with you at present. The agent is saying that you’ve forfeited your deposit and made yourself homeless, and to be honest, it would be difficult to argue with them. He therefore wants someone to collect any salvageable belongings tomorrow, so that the builders can move in on Tuesday and begin to strip the place in order to repair and redecorate it as soon as possible. They’re threatening to throw away anything that’s still there when they start work on the room.’

‘Oh my God! what am I going to do and where am I going to live?’

‘You can stay with me until the mess is sorted out,’ said Suzanne; then added as an afterthought, ‘either as Clare or as Tom.’

In all the excitement I’d momentarily forgotten about issues of gender.

‘If necessary, I’ll loan you some money to get yourself some clothes for Tom, but it might make more sense for you to continue as Clare until you get yourself sorted out, since she already has plenty to wear.’

‘But if I stay as Clare what am I going to do about my job?’

‘Karen has already offered to let you come in to work as Clare next week, if you want to. She may have said it in a lighthearted way, but all you have to do is telephone her to explain the situation,’ said Debbie.

‘But how long will it be for?’ I asked.

Suzanne shrugged.

‘As long as you wish, or feel it is necessary. Maybe it’ll be until you’ve received your insurance payment and gone out and bought some new clothes for Tom, or perhaps Karen will want to place some time limit, or I may drop dead — who knows! Let us not fix any kind of deadline or time limit — you can stay with me as long as you wish to.’

‘That is very kind of you to offer, Suzanne, but I’ve already spent the last two and a half weeks as Clare,’ I said.

‘So you will be getting used to the idea, by now,’ said Debbie with a grin.

‘What do you think I should do Suzanne?’ I asked.

‘I know what I think would be best for you, and I also think I know what you would like to do, but it is now time for you to take ownership of your decision and responsibility for its consequences,’ she replied.

Debbie nodded in agreement.

I sighed.

‘Alright, I’ll see what Karen has to say about me coming in to work as Clare.’

Debbie handed me her mobile phone which included the number of our boss. I called her number.

‘Hi Karen, it’s Clare, Tom’s alter ego, you’ll no doubt remember from last night.’

‘Of course, how could I forget someone who looked so lovely,’ she replied.

‘I’m afraid I have a bit of a problem. There was a fire in my flat last night and all Tom’s clothes and belongings have been destroyed. I’m fairly broke and so I was wondering whether I might take you up on your offer and come in to work dressed as Clare for the next few days until I’ve a chance to make an insurance claim and get myself some new clothes.’

Karen laughed.

‘Now why doesn’t this call surprise me?’ she answered. ‘Of course you can come into work as Clare, if you want to, but there was no reason for you to set light to Tom’s clothes just to make an excuse for doing so.’

‘I didn’t burn them deliberately!’

‘So how did the fire start then?’

‘I seem to have left a bag of his clothes on top of a heater, which was turned off at the time, but later came on automatically.’

‘I see,’ she said, and then paused before continuing.

‘We won’t argue about it now. I’m sorry to hear about your fire, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t come into work as Clare on Tuesday, if that is most convenient for you to do so.’

‘Thanks, do you think Helen will mind?’

‘It’s not up to her to mind or not, but why ever should she? In fact she was saying to me on the phone this morning that you are much better looking and more interesting to talk to as Clare than as Tom.’

‘I’m not sure how to take that.’

‘Don’t let it worry you, just take it as a compliment. We’ll look forward to seeing you on Tuesday morning as Clare, and as far as I’m concerned, you can continue doing so for as long as you need.’

‘Will you mention it to Head Office?’

‘Probably not, it is not the sort of thing I need to worry them about although I doubt if they would be concerned so long as your work was being done,’ she replied.

I put away the phone, turned to the others and shrugged my shoulders in resignation.

‘It looks as if Clare is going to be around in place of Tom for a little while longer.’

‘Good,’ said Debbie. ‘I think we all know that you’ve made the right decision, but, as Suzanne said, it was for you to decide.’

‘It’s as if fate is conspiring to keep me as Clare,’ I said smiling.

‘No, you’re wrong,’ said Suzanne. If that were the case then fate had also conspired to give your mother cancer or me muscular dystrophy. Nobody, not even fate, has been conspiring to keep you as Clare against your will. You have decided to do so in response to events that have happened, but you might equally have taken other courses of action. We make our own decisions and take responsibility for them.’

I didn’t respond, not being sure what I felt about my decision, and its implications. At last after an awkward silence, I changed the subject.

‘How long will these hair extensions stay in place?’ I asked.

‘They should be alright until the end of January, but we can always arrange for them to be re-secured, if necessary,’ said Suzanne.

‘I’m sure that the end of January will be more than enough time for me to get myself organised.’

‘Alright then, if you’re sure, but what about your boobs?’

‘Debbie fixed them for me again yesterday and they feel and look alright. I’ll need to keep an eye on them but they should be ok for a few days.’

‘So that seems to have sorted your problem for the time being. Now Clare, why not make a pot of tea for everyone,’ said Suzanne.

I did as she asked and we were soon talking of other things. We invited Debbie to stay with us to see the New Year in, but she’d already agreed to spend the time with her flat mates and their boyfriends, so she left us soon afterwards.

‘I’ll see you at work on Tuesday then Clare, it’ll be a brand New Year,’ she said as she left.

‘Yes, 2006 hasn’t ended particularly well for me,’ I replied.

‘I don’t know about that, if nothing else you have made interesting discoveries over the last few weeks and also found yourself a couple of new friends in the process. It may well mark the beginning of an entirely new chapter in your life.’

I didn’t press her about exactly what she had in mind.

‘We'll see. Thanks for your help and a happy New Year to you,’ I replied.

---

Suzanne and I spent the remainder of New Year’s Eve quietly at home together discussing my predicament and the options for the future. Eventually, at midnight, we had a final drink together to celebrate the New Year.

‘Well, Clare, do you have any resolution for the New Year?’ asked my friend.

‘I hadn’t really thought of any but it I looks as if I’m going need to get my life sorted out and begin again after the fire,’ I replied.

‘I suspect you may be staying here for a few more weeks until your insurance claim is settled, so you may as well accept the situation and enjoy yourself, as you did over Christmas,’ said Suzanne.

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I said smiling.

‘In that case may we agree that there will be no further reference to a certain young man called Tom, whilst you are staying here?’

‘Alright, at least until he gets his insurance claim, but how about you, Suzanne, what do you hope for, from the New Year?’

She sighed and looked sad, and I realised that I’d asked the wrong question.

‘I just want to carry on living for as long as I can,’ she replied.

It was a rather sombre note on which to begin the New Year and so I tried to think of something to cheer things up a little.

‘I suppose there’s one advantage to my continuing to stay in your flat, I’ll be able to help you get up and get yourself washed each morning and changed again in the evening.’

‘You see, my offer wasn’t entirely unselfish​,’ answered Suzanne. ‘I must admit that it took me more than two hours to get up this morning without your help. However, if you’re going to look after me on a regular basis then I’ll have to arrange to pay you.’

‘No, Suzanne, I will certainly not accept any payment after all the things you’ve done for me over the last few weeks. I do think though that you now need to think about arranging for some regular help for yourself.’

‘Yes, I know you’re right. I’ll do so as soon as you leave me.’

I was now quite used to helping Suzanne to get ready for bed and also to get up and get herself dressed the following morning, and neither of us felt embarrassed.

---

‘Is there anything you would like to do today, as it is your last day off work?’ she asked me the following morning, as we shared some breakfast.

‘I thought that I’d walk over to my former flat this morning, to make sure there’s nothing worth saving.’

‘Go ahead, by all means, but aren’t you worried that one of your neighbours might recognise you?’

I shrugged.

‘Not really. If anyone challenges me, I’ll pretend to be the cousin of a certain person whom I mustn’t name, and am acting on his behalf. But it hardly matters now if someone does recognise me, I won’t be going back to live there again.’

‘After you have done that I suggest we have a quick look through your wardrobe together to ensure that you have some suitable clothes to wear at the office next week. If you’re short of anything I’m sure I’ll be able to find you something of mine to wear.’

‘I was thinking of that myself, but I can’t keep taking your clothes Suzanne but perhaps I may borrow something if you don’t mind. I’ll also buy myself some more underwear in town, assuming there are some shops open.’

‘Off you go then Clare, and I’ll see you this afternoon.

---

There was nobody around at the house when I let myself in to my old room and examined the scene of devastation. Various electrical items with plastic cases, including my laptop computer and radio/CD player had caught fire causing oily black smoke. My wardrobe door had been open and so this smoke had spoiled all of the clothes hanging there. There were a few items of my underwear that had been in a drawer that were still wearable although they also stank of smoke, but there was very little else worth saving. I put them in a plastic bin liner and went to see what else I could find. Fortunately, all of the important documents relating to my former self, including Tom’s passport, birth certificate and insurance policy had been stored in a metal filing box. This was scorched but still usable and the documents inside were all still intact, although smelling of smoke. I dug out my insurance policy and rang the number for the claims hotline, trying to remember to speak as I used to. I reported the fire and asked what I needed to do to make a claim. The assistant took down all the relevant details and promised to post a claims form. I explained that my flat was no longer habitable and gave Suzanne’s flat as my new temporary address. The assistant promised to note the change of address.

‘How much am I covered for?’ I asked

‘If we accept liability, you’re covered for  £5000 for your belongings, but we’ll need to consult our loss adjustors first.’

‘How long do you think it’ll it take before I receive any payout?’

‘The company will normally make a decision within three weeks of the receipt of your claim form.’

---

A few minutes after I’d finished my call to the insurance company my mobile phone rang once again.

‘Hi Debs! A happy New Year to you!’

‘Hi Clare, and a happy New Year to you as well. You sound a bit more cheerful today.’

‘Yes, you were right; things could have been worse. At least I’ve somewhere to stay and a job to go to and two good friends, even if it does mean that I’ll be living as Clare for a while.’

‘So you’re counting your blessings?’

‘I guess so.’

‘I tried to ring earlier, but you were engaged.’

‘Yes I’m at my former flat, checking for anything that might be salvageable. You were right though, there’s very little that can be saved but I found my insurance policy and it looks as if I should be covered for the contents of my flat up to the value of  £5,000.’

‘That’s good,

I relayed the details of my conversation with the insurance company.

‘How long will it all take?’

‘Two or three weeks by the sound of things.’

‘So it now looks as if you’ll be remaining as Clare for the greater of January,’ said Debbie.

‘I could approach my father for a loan, but I’d have to explain how it was that I came to be living as a woman at the time of the fire.’

‘How do you think he’d react?’

‘I’ve really no idea, it’s not the sort of thing that goes on in Tyneside — or at least among those known to me and my family. On balance, I think it may be safest if I stay as I am, He’s away at the moment and I don’t think there’s much likelihood that he’ll want to pay me a visit during January.’

‘In that case I think you’re probably wise. You may even find that the fire was a blessing in disguise.’

‘Why, what do you mean?’

‘Well, that brings me on to my main reason for calling you this morning. How did you like my friend Andy?’

‘He was ok, I suppose, a little quiet but we had an enjoyable chat. Why do you ask?

‘He’s been on the phone to me this morning; he was really quite taken with you on Saturday night. He said that he was going to be in the Midlands next week and wanted your phone number so he could drive out to see you at Loughborough.’

‘Oh dear! Whatever did you tell him?’

‘I’m afraid that I had to tell him that your situation had changed since you’d met and that you were now planning to stay in London for a while. So now he wants me to give him your mobile phone number. I said that I’d check with you first. What do you think?’

‘Thanks a lot Debbie. That would be one more thing on top of all my existing problems to make my life even more complicated.’

‘But I thought you got on quite well with him?’

‘I did, but he won’t be very happy once he finds out about my past life, will he?’

‘You don’t know that. You should at least give him the opportunity to express an opinion on the matter once he knows the whole story.’

‘You mean give him a chance to insult me and call me a freak.’

‘You don’t know that he will do that. Not all men are so hung up about their sexuality. He may still want to meet you. Don’t you want a relationship?’

‘I don’t know Debbie. I’ve always been too shy in the past to ask anyone out, but I did enjoy talking to him on Saturday night.’

‘In that case you’ll have to take the risk that he might reject you.’

I thought for a moment before answering.

‘Alright then, you have my permission to tell him the whole story about me and then see if he still wants to know my phone number. If he does, you may give it to him, but not my address. After that I’ll just play it by ear.’

‘Good idea, I’ll ring him back now and let you know his reaction.’

I return to work after the holiday
and start to pick up the threads

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 16

Back to the office

I took the most important documents with me when I left but decided that the few remaining clothes in the flat were probably not worth the trouble of washing and storing. In any event, I’d promised to forget about Tom for the duration of my stay with Suzanne. When he eventually re-emerged from the ashes he could have an entirely new wardrobe. I then went to a cash dispenser to check on the state of his finances. There wasn’t a lot of money in the current account, but probably enough for me to manage until the end of the month as I wouldn’t now have to pay any rent. I therefore withdrew fifty pounds. I’d noticed an advertisement in the paper that the ‘Next’ shop at Marble Arch was having a New Year’s sale, and so I took a bus, and managed to buy myself a two-pack bra set and matching knickers, plus a couple of packets of tights. I was now broke but had enough underclothes for a week at work. I’d also do some washing and sort out my wardrobe during the afternoon. I would then be in a position to decide what else I needed to buy. On the way home I had four pictures of myself taken in a photo booth as I was going to need one for the photo card to accompany my new season ticket when I went in to work the next day.

I returned to Suzanne’s flat at lunchtime and discovered that she’d already been quite busy sorting through her clothes and had found me two rather attractive two-piece suits together with coordinating blouses and accessories that would be suitable for me to wear to work.

‘These are for you Clare, and I’ve decided that you may keep my burgundy winter coat as well,’ she said.

‘Suzanne, they’re great, but I can’t keep taking your best clothes all the time.’

‘You’ll want to look smart at the office, and I can’t see any likelihood that I’m going to be wearing them again. If you like, you can treat them as a loan for the time being, as I’m intending to leave all my clothes to you in my will, so you had better make sure that you don’t put on any extra weight in the meanwhile.’

‘First of all I hope your demise will be a long way off, and secondly, what on earth would I do with so many women’s clothes once I have my own flat again?’

‘I hope you’ll be happy to wear them from time to time. I think that over the last five weeks we may have stumbled on a hitherto hidden aspect of your character. I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you were previously.’

I could feel myself blushing, but was saved from having to answer by the ringing of my mobile phone. It was Debbie again. For once, I was pleased to be interrupted by the call.

‘Hi Debs!’

‘Well Clare, your secret is now out to at least one guy. I’ve told Andy all about you.’

‘How did he react!’

‘Disbelief, at ,first. He thought I was winding him up, but I eventually managed to convince him that, despite appearances to the contrary, you were 100% male in body, if not in mind.’

‘Then what?’

‘At first he became quite angry with you, with me, and also with himself.’

‘I thought so, but why should he be angry with himself.’

‘He obviously still fancies you, and I suppose he feels that it must somehow undermine his masculinity to be fancying another genetic male, even one as lovely and feminine looking as you are. However, he did calm down, and in the end he even took down your telephone number. He will probably need a bit of time to think things through, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he does contact you again in a day or two.’

‘What will I say if he does ring me?’

‘Just tell him the truth and let him decide whether or not he wants to take it any further. If he does, then you’ll just have to play it by ear like any other girl.’

‘What was that all about?’ asked Suzanne, once I’d finished my call.

‘I’m sorry Suzanne, but with all the fuss over the fire and everything, I’d forgotten to tell you about the party on Saturday night. I spent some time chatting to one of Debbie’s former workmates, a young man called Andy. We got on well together and he asked me out, but I told him that I lived in Loughborough and would be returning home today. Now he has discovered that I’m going to be in London during January and has asked Debbie for my phone number. I gave her permission to tell him my number, but only after she’d explained to him about my situation first.’

Suzanne didn’t look particularly surprised by the news.

‘That was probably the wisest course of action. Do you think he’ll phone you now that he knows the truth?’

‘I doubt it; apparently he was both surprised and angry when he discovered that the girl he’d kissed goodnight was really a bloke.’

‘So you let him kiss you goodnight?’

‘I didn’t intend to, I was trying to kiss him on the cheek as he left, but he turned his head at the last minute and caught me by surprise.’

‘I see; and how will you react if he does now ring you?’

‘I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to see how I feel. What do you think I should do if he were to ask me out?’

‘If you liked him, then go for it.’

‘But I’m not sure what I do feel about him. I’ve never had a girlfriend before as I was always too shy to ask anyone, but I’d never thought of myself as being gay.’

‘I always assumed that Tom was probably gay, although he might not be fully aware of it,’ answered Suzanne, in a matter of fact way. ‘As to Clare, just take a look in that mirror and tell me what you see.’

I did as I was told.

‘I suppose I see a young woman.’

‘Exactly. You now look, act and sound like an attractive and feminine young woman. Only you can decide what you feel inside, but I would remind you of what I was saying before you took Debbie’s call. That I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you used to be,’ said Suzanne.

I blushed again then sighed.

‘Maybe you’re right, but it does create all kinds of problems.’

‘But life would be a lot less interesting without them.’

---

Later that evening as we were watching television, I took a call from a number I didn’t recognise.

‘Hello Clare, it’s Andy, we met on Saturday.’

‘Hi Andy, I gather you’ve been let into my little secret,’ I answered as I got up and went to the spare bedroom to talk.

‘Yes, I was utterly amazed by the news — I’d no inkling when I was speaking to you.’

‘I’m quite pleased to hear that, but I wasn’t deliberately trying to trick you.’

‘But you succeeded, all the same.’

I blushed and was relieved that we were talking on the phone. I would have felt a lot less confident if we had been talking face to face.

‘So what can I do for you?’ I asked.

‘I wondered if we could meet again, for a chat and a drink one evening next week?’ if that’s ok by you.’

‘So you would still like to meet me again, in spite of what you now know about me?’

‘Yes, I think so,’ he answered.

I hesitated before answering.

‘Alright then, let’s meet to see how we get on, but there are no commitments or expectations on either side.’

‘My feelings entirely,’ he said.

‘Would you mind if we waited until near the end of the week before we met up, as I’ve a number of things that I have to sort out before then?’

‘Shall we say next Thursday evening at 8.00pm at Piccadilly Circus? I’ll be waiting for you by the statue of Eros.’

‘Alright I’ll see you then,’ I replied, wondering if there was any significance in the chosen meeting place.

Suzanne had been sitting in the chair next to me when I first took the call and so there was no way that I could avoid sharing the news with her.

‘That’s great Clare, you can’t stay in every night with me. I hope it goes well for you,’ she declared.

‘Thanks I’m not sure what to expect from our meeting, or how I feel about the idea of seeing a guy, but he seems quite keen on the idea’ I replied blushing a little.

‘Just let him take the lead, and follow your instincts,’ she advised.

‘I suppose so.’

‘So what are you planning to wear when you see him?’

‘I don’t know whether I should dress casually or try and look glamorous for our first meeting.’

‘The latter of course, half of the fun of being a girl is getting dressed up ready for a date.’

‘Well it’s not really a date, as such’

‘In that case you’ll want to give him a taste of what he might be missing if the relationship goes no further. On Wednesday night I’ll help you to choose something to suit the occasion.’

---

I set my alarm for 6.00 o’clock the following morning, nearly an hour and a half earlier than I would normally have done on a working weekday. I wanted to ensure that I’d enough time to get myself ready and then to help Suzanne get out of bed and dressed before I left. However, the two tasks didn’t take as long as I feared. On most days Suzanne was still able to do many things for herself, and I was now proficient at putting on my own makeup and doing my hair. As a result, I found that we had half an hour before I needed to leave for work where we might enjoy some breakfast together.

‘How will you feel about going back to work after nearly three weeks away?’ asked Suzanne.

‘I’ve enjoyed my break and especially staying with you, but I’m also looking forward to returning to work. I expect I’ll feel a little bit self-conscious to be going back as Clare, but I’m used to dressing like this now and my colleagues have all seen me before and seem to accept me.

‘Will you have to deal with customers or regular callers at the office?’

‘Not really. Most of our work is done over the phone or by electronic mail these days. I’ll have to deal with messengers and postmen in person, but nobody who regularly dealt with my former self, so I’m fairly confident that I’ll be able to pass successfully as a woman without arousing their suspicion.’

‘Well you certainly look the part in that outfit - feminine yet business-like,’ said Suzanne.

I smiled, quite pleased with the overall look that I’d achieved.

‘I’m beginning to understand how nice clothes and careful grooming can make a girl feel much more confident.’

‘So you do think of yourself as a girl now?’ commented Suzanne.

‘I suppose I do, or at least I do so when I’m dressed like this.’

‘I’m glad; it’s now some time since I’ve thought of you in any other way.’

---

My journey in to work was fairly uneventful. I wore a pair of thigh-length leather boots with medium heels together with my new long winter coat. I was glad not to be wearing high heels, just in case there should be any mishaps when I was travelling on the tube train to work, but I took a smarter pair of shoes with me in a bag to change into, once I arrived at work. At the station I picked up a free a fashion magazine to read on the train, feeling that it would be in keeping with my new identity, and make me feel less self-conscious if I didn’t have to make eye contact with the other passengers. Nobody appeared to take much notice of me, apart from the occasional admiring look from young men, but I was gradually getting used to that. I used a pay-as-you-go Oyster card for the first week as it did not have to be registered in any one name, but if I was going to do this long term then it would be cheaper for me to register a monthly or quarterly travelcard on the Oyster, but in that case only Clare would be permitted to travel.

I arrived at the office ten minutes early and so had time to change my footwear and carefully check on my appearance in the mirror in the toilet before my three colleagues arrived.

‘Good morning Clare. You look very smart again this morning,’ said Karen as she came in.

‘Thanks, and it’s nice to be back at work,’ I responded, smiling.

I’d decided to act as if it were the most normal thing in the world for me to be dressed as I was, and only respond if they asked me specific questions about my dress.

‘So how long are you planning to stay with us as Clare?’

‘I’m not sure really, it may be a week or two if that’s alright. It rather depends on how long it takes me to receive the payment from my insurance so that I can buy Tom some new clothes and find him somewhere to live.’

‘As far as I’m concerned you’re welcome to come into work dressed as Clare for as long as you like. However, we’ll have to agree among ourselves what you shall do or say when anyone from head office telephones or comes to visit.’

‘I suppose on the telephone I’ll just have to pretend to be Tom if anyone needs to talk to me specifically, but that doesn’t happen very often. However, it might be difficult if anyone comes to visit. When is that next likely to happen?’

‘I was expecting a visitation from the district manager in about a fortnight’s time, but I’ll know more after a meeting at Head Office on Thursday of this week. Maybe if you’re still dressing as Clare when they plan a visit you could take another day’s leave.’

‘Of course, I’ll do whatever is necessary, I don’t want to get you in any trouble,’ I answered.

---

Debbie and Helen both arrived soon afterwards and they likewise congratulated me on my appearance. After a brief initial conversation about the fire at my former flat, we all settled down to dealing with the backlog of work that had come in whilst the office had been closed for the holidays. As I’d been away for three weeks there was a lot for me to do and I was determined to show them that Clare was just as good a worker as I’d previously been. In fact I kept my head down all morning, and it was not until lunchtime, when our older colleagues had left the office before I had a chance to have a chat to Debbie.

‘Well Clare, has he rung you yet?’

‘Has who rung me?’

‘Andy of course, how many other men are there fancying you?’ she asked.

I smiled at the thought.

‘I thought you said it would be a couple of days to give him time to think.’

‘That’s what he said to me, but I suspect that he didn’t really mean it.’

‘Yes he rang me yesterday evening and we chatted for a while.’

‘So how did it go?’

‘I think we’re both still a little confused about things and our feelings, but we’ve agreed to meet on Thursday evening for a chat.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Maybe we’ll also have a drink together, just to get to know one another a little better and decide whether we want to take things any further.’

‘So is it a date or not?’

‘No, it’s not a date, just preliminary discussions which may, or may not, lead to a date at a later date,’ I said smiling.

‘Well good luck with your preliminary discussions, but don’t let them go on for too long. He may be a little shy but he isn’t bad looking and has a good job in the city. You could do a lot worse for yourself.’

‘We’ll see,’ I replied and then changed the subject of our conversation.

---

By the evening I was feeling pleased with myself. My first day back at work had gone pretty well for everyone at the office, and all four of us had worked hard to catch up with the backlog. Nobody who visited the office had questioned my gender, and the single occasion when I needed to speak to a colleague elsewhere in the company I simply reverted to Tom’s persona, and at the same time tried to add a little extra depth to my voice to sound more masculine. The strain of having got up early, worked hard and having to be careful in my demeanour at work had an effect, and I felt tired by the time I returned home. Suzanne had also had a good day and had prepared us both a nice meal and so we chatted together and I told her all about my first day at work.

---

The Wednesday morning followed much the same pattern as the previous day both at home and at work. Once again I was up fairly early to help Suzanne get out of bed, and then got myself ready. I turned up to work on time looking as well-groomed as before, and again experienced no problems in being accepted in my new gender by those I came across at work. In fact, I found that I enjoyed my work more in my new role, and that visitors to the office were more friendly and talkative to me as Clare than they had previously been to Tom. Where possible I avoided calling colleagues elsewhere in the company, preferring to use Tom’s email, but on those few occasions when it couldn’t be avoided, I used the same tactics as I’d done on Tuesday.

When I got home again on Wednesday I discovered that, as promised, Suzanne had spent part of her day deciding what I should wear the following evening.

‘I have this light grey wool dress, which would look good on you, with a blue neck and hem. It also has a jacket to go with it, and should look alright with your black shoes and handbag.

‘I’m sure it would look lovely on me, Suzanne, but I feel so guilty about constantly borrowing your clothes,’ I replied.

She sighed impatiently.

‘Clare, I thought we’d been through all this before; I’m pleased that my nice clothes will be used again. I wouldn’t suggest anything that I didn’t want you to wear or I didn’t think would suit you. So please, just do me a favour and at least try them on.’

I couldn’t very well argue after she’d gone to so much trouble on my behalf.

‘Alright, I suppose and I’m broke at present.’

Of course the clothes she’d suggested looked and felt great on me, as I knew they would. Suzanne had such good taste, and I would always follow her advice on matters relating to my appearance. So that was the end of that problem. I was more concerned about how I would react when I actually came to meet Andy.

I meet up with Andy

but then receive some bad news

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 17

Some bad news

Karen was away at her meeting of office managers on Thursday and Helen was out visiting clients so Debbie and I were in the office alone. Inevitably she asked me about what I intended to wear, later that evening, and I related the events of the previous night.

‘Don’t worry you should be able get yourself something to wear when your insurance money comes through’

‘I don’t know about that, remember I will first of all have to replace all of Tom’s clothes and pay a deposit on a new flat.’

‘But you’re surely not going to abandon Clare altogether after you’ve been doing so well over the last few weeks.’

‘I really don’t know Debbie, I feel rather confused about things at present. I’ve enjoyed myself as Clare over the last few weeks, and feel that Suzanne has begun to rely upon my help each day, but I’m a boy rather than a girl and can’t spend my life pretending to be something I’m not.’

‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue living as Clare a little longer as you do it so well. Maybe you’re a boy underneath but recently you’ve been acting much more like a girl. You’ve admitted that you enjoy your time as Clare, and as far as your friends are concerned she is much more fun to have around than Tom.’

I sighed.

‘Suzanne said something similar to me the other day. I guess it must be true.’

‘Of course it’s true, Karen was only saying as much to me yesterday. Do you think that Andy would have chatted to you at my party if you had been dressed as a boy?’

‘I suppose not, and I doubt if he’d want to go out with me if I turned up tonight dressed as Tom.’

---

Four hours later I arrived at Piccadilly Circus, unsure whether or not I was making a big mistake. Andy was already waiting for me at the base of the statue of Eros, just as he’d promised. He smiled and waved as I approached.

‘Hi Clare, it’s nice to see you again.’

‘You too,’ I replied smiling, but not altogether convinced that I meant it.

Andy seemed to hesitate about whether or not he should kiss me, but then thought better of it.

‘It’s a bit chilly out here tonight, shall be go somewhere and have a drink together?’

‘Alright, but I’d prefer somewhere fairly quiet and not too busy where we can have a talk together, if you don’t mind,’ I replied.

‘In that case let us find a hotel bar, rather than a pub.’

He led the way down Piccadilly until we found somewhere suitable, and went inside. I now felt glad that Suzanne had been adamant that I should dress smartly and take care with my makeup when I’d arrived home from work.

---

The waiter showed us to a quiet table in a corner of the room and then took our coats. Andy helped me to my chair, a minor attention that nobody had ever paid to me before.

‘What would you like to drink Clare?’

‘A white wine and soda please.’

He ordered my drink and a pint of beer for himself.

There was a moment’s hesitation. There were things that I wanted to say but he had asked to see me and so I was determined to let him take the lead in any conversation. I smiled expectantly.

‘I must say that you look very nice again this evening.’

I smiled and waited until the waiter was out of earshot before replying.

‘You mean I look very nice for a bloke in a dress.’

‘I didn’t say that. You look very nice — full-stop. I’ve never thought of you as anything but an attractive young woman.’

I blushed, and quietly thanked him, feeling that he had overcome the first hurdle successfully.

‘I thought you were planning to return to Leicestershire on New Year’s day,’ he said, changing the subject.

‘I’m afraid that was a lie; I’m sorry but I couldn’t very well explain to you that the reason I could not go out with you was that I was planning to revert to my true gender.’

‘No I suppose not, but it would seem that you now appear to have changed your mind and have decided not to change back.’

‘That was partly due to circumstances out of my control — my flat and all of Tom’s clothes were being destroyed in a fire, as we were speaking together on Saturday night. Now it looks as if I’ll have to remain as Clare for a couple of weeks until I can get things organised.’

‘I’m glad’ he answered tentatively.

‘Thanks very much!’

‘No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not glad about the fire, but I am glad that you’ll be around as Clare for a while longer.’

The waiter returned with our drinks before I could answer. I had to wait until he’d served them and was again out of earshot.

‘Andy, I don’t understand why you wanted to see me again after Debbie had told you about my background,’ I said.

‘I don’t know the answer to that either Clare. All I can say is that I was rather taken by the young lady that I met last weekend and got the impression that she enjoyed talking to me. It came as a bit of a surprise when Debbie told me all about you, but I suppose I wanted to discover whether I would still feel the same way about you now that I know the full story.

‘I’m sorry if you thought that I’d misled you. I didn’t set out deliberately to do so, but you just seemed quite nice,’ I replied quietly.

‘No I don’t blame you; although you did let me kiss you goodbye.’

I blushed.

‘I know and that was probably a mistake. I’m sorry.’

‘I’m not sorry, but it was something of a surprise to find that I was fancying someone who used to be a guy.’

‘Believe me it has been even more of a surprise to me. Eight weeks ago I’d never even worn a skirt, let alone gone out for a drink with a guy, dressed and made up as I am.’

‘Well you do look very nice dressed as you are.’

This comment seemed to lighten the atmosphere between us.

‘Thank you, kind sir,’ I replied smiling.

There was again a brief silence.

‘So where do we go from here?’ he asked.

‘That rather depends upon you. What conclusion have you reached now that you’ve met me again.’

‘I would like to go out with you sometime, if you feel the same way about me.’

My feelings were in a turmoil. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I played for time.

‘When?’

‘How about Saturday night?’

‘Andy, before I answer you, will you tell me how you would have reacted if I’d turned up this evening dressed as a guy?’

He hesitated before answering.

‘I’ve no idea, I find it very difficult to visualise you as anything other than a pretty girl, and I’m not sure that I want to do so.’

‘You must understand that Clare won’t be around forever.’

‘I realise that, but let us see how we get on together whilst she is around and then cross that bridge when we come to it.’

I thought for a moment before answering.

‘I’m afraid that Saturday is too soon for me. Will you give me a couple more days to sort out my own feelings?’

He looked disappointed.

‘So when may I ring you?’ he asked.

‘How about next Tuesday.’

‘Very well Clare, I’ll call you on Tuesday,’ he said touching my hand, ‘and maybe we can go out together afterwards.’

‘We’ll see.’

‘What are we going to do about this evening?’

‘I suppose we both have our drinks so there’s no reason why we shouldn’t stay for a chat for a little while longer, if that is ok with you.’

‘Yes, I’d like that,’ he said.

In the event we spent the next hour or so chatting about our respective lives and jobs. I tried to avoid saying too much about my past as a young man, and so was happy to let him talk about his job in the City. From this I gained the impression that he was doing fairly well and was comfortably off, but worked long hours and didn’t seem to have had many girlfriends. Eventually we shared a taxi home that dropped me off first. I offered to pay half of the fare but was quite relieved when he refused. I kissed him quickly on the cheek and thanked him for the drinks.

‘I’ll call you on Tuesday then,’ he said.

‘Alright,’ I answered, smiling. ‘I’ll look forward to that.’

---

‘So how did it go then?’ asked Suzanne as soon as I arrived back in the flat.

‘We got on alright, I think. We just had a drink together and a chat about how we felt, about things.’

‘So what was the conclusion? Will you be seeing each other again?’

‘He asked me to go out with him on Saturday, but I suggested that he should call me on Tuesday instead.’

‘Clare, be careful that you don’t play too hard to get.’

‘I don’t want to mess him around, but I felt I needed a little time to sort out my own feelings first.’

‘Alright then, but don’t leave it too long, if you don’t want to lose him.’

‘At the moment, Suzanne, I don’t know what I want.’

---

Karen was already in the office, looking rather anxious when I arrived for work the next morning. As soon as I’d taken off my coat and changed my boots, she asked to have a word with me before the others arrived. We used the small meeting room that was reserved for any private interviews or discussions with clients.

‘Clare, I’m afraid I’ve some rotten news for you at the start of a New Year. The company has decided that this office is overstaffed compared with others and so they won’t be renewing your current contract when it expires at the end of February. I’ll be allowed to recruit a part-time assistant in your place. I explained to them that you’ve worked hard and had been doing an excellent job over the last nine months, but I’m afraid they didn’t want to set a precedent, which the other office managers might use to argue for more staff. As you were only on a fixed term contract they were adamant that the office will only be permitted to employ one and a half assistants in future. I’m so sorry.’

‘Oh!,’ I said, taken aback by the unexpected news, ‘When do I have to leave?’

‘The company will honour your existing contract to work until the end of February. I’ve also managed to get the concession that if you find yourself another job and want to leave before that time they’ll not require you to work the usual four-week period of notice, although they’ll pay you as if you had.’

‘I suppose if I’m going to be paid until the end of February I’ll at least have enough time to re-establish myself as Tom and look for something else,’ I replied.

‘They have left it up to me to recruit someone for the part-time post once you’ve left. I would be more than happy to offer that job to Tom, or indeed to Clare, if you were interested,’ said Karen.

‘So getting rid of me has nothing to do with my coming in to work dressed as Clare.’

‘Absolutely not, nobody at head office knows about you, and even if they did they would probably only worry if it was affecting your productivity. They’re really only concerned with the balance sheets. Would you consider working part-time for a few months? Maybe I could try and make a case for a full-time post again later on?’

Karen looked distinctly embarrassed by having to give me this news.

‘Thanks for the offer, but I could only just manage financially when I worked full-time, there’s no way that I could afford to go part-time unless I found myself another job as well.’

‘In that case I’m really sorry that we’ll be losing you, and hope you will find another job very quickly. I promise to give you an excellent reference if you need one.’

---

I took a few minutes in the toilet to gather my thoughts, dry my eyes, and repair my makeup before I went out to face the sympathy of my colleagues. Tom would never have cried in such circumstances, but somehow I felt it was allowable to Clare. In the meanwhile Karen explained the unhappy situation to the others as they arrived for work. The news cast a shadow over the office and conversation was rather subdued throughout the morning. Debbie did however offer to take me out for coffee and a sandwich together at lunch time.

‘So what are you going to do Clare?’ she asked.

‘I’ll see if Suzanne will be willing to loan me the money to buy some clothes for Tom this weekend and then get rid of these hair extensions, which will soon be reaching their sell-by date. I can’t very well go job hunting looking like this,’ I said looking at my manicured and polished finger nails. ‘It was Suzanne who got me into this mess after all, so maybe she will help me get out of it.’

‘You can’t blame Suzanne for the fire in your flat or for losing your job, for that matter,’ said Debbie.

I sighed.

‘No I suppose not, in fact she has been very kind to me over the last few weeks.’

‘Where will you stay?’

‘If I can find a new full-time job I should be alright once the insurance payment comes through and I can afford to pay a deposit on a flat, but in the meanwhile I’m hoping that Suzanne will take pity on me for the next couple of weeks.’

‘You could, if necessary, sleep on my settee until your cheque arrives but it’ll not be very comfortable.’

‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you to offer Debbie, but for the time being shall we change the subject and talk about something a little more cheerful.’

‘Alright then Clare, before I heard your news this morning I was dying to ask how you got on with Andy last night.’

‘We had an enjoyable time, once we’d both got over a little bit of awkwardness at the outset. In fact I’d just decided that I would take the plunge and go out with him on a date next week, when Karen broke the news to me this morning.’

‘So you’ve not made any specific arrangements to see him then?’

‘No, we left it that he’d ring me next Tuesday, but I’m afraid he will now find himself speaking to Tom when he does.’

‘He may still want to take you out, nevertheless’

‘No I don’t think so. I don’t think either of us is ready to go out in public as two guys on a date together.’

‘I’m sorry Clare, and just when things were beginning to go so well for you.’

---

I felt quite bitter with my employers, but it was clearly nothing to do with Karen or my colleagues. I determined that I would continue to work hard until I left, after all I might need a reference from them at some time.

---

As soon as I got home that evening I broke the news to Suzanne.

‘So what are you planning to do?’ she asked.

‘I’ve been looking around this afternoon and there seems to be plenty of work around, but I’m now going to need to change back into Tom as quickly as possible so that I can start applying for jobs and attending interviews. I was wondering whether you might be prepared to loan me some money to buy some clothes. I would promise to repay you as soon as my cheque arrives.’

‘Of course I will, although I’m going to miss having Clare around. I only have thirty pounds in my purse at present, but you’re welcome to use Clare’s debit card to spend a couple of hundred pounds. Will that be enough?’

‘Yes, thank you Suzanne, but that means I’ll have to go shopping tomorrow dressed as Clare.’

‘I guess so, but that shouldn’t be a problem, no-one would think it unusual for a girl to be buying men’s clothes.’

‘No, I suppose not, and I’ll also need to make an appointment with the hairdresser to have these extensions taken out.’

Suzanne sighed.

‘I expect I can sort out your hair and give you a male haircut without you having to go to the hairdresser,’ said Suzanne. ‘But what will you do about your living accommodation?’

‘I should be alright as soon as my insurance money arrives. May I stay here for a little while, until I’ve a chance to explain to my father and borrow some money for a deposit on a flat.’

‘I won’t be throwing you out on to the street, but you can only stay for a couple of weeks as it’s becoming daily more apparent that I’ll soon need to employ a live-in helper.’

‘Yes I realise that, Suzanne. Of course I’ll continue to help you as much as I can but you’re going to need a female nurse and so I promise to leave as soon as I can.’

The news created an air of gloom over the flat for the rest of the evening and neither of us said very much more. We both went to bed early. Once I’d helped her to get changed I lay in bed thinking about my future and also the changes to my life over the last few weeks.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 18

A Proposition

Dad and his lady friend were due to return from their Winter cruise on 6th January, the day after I heard that I would lose my job, so perhaps it was just as well that I’d decided to change back to Tom. Life was quite complicated enough without having to make awkward explanations about what I was doing. An awful lot had happened to me during the five weeks since I’d travelled up to see them both before they left. For four of those weeks I’d been living as Clare full-time, and had even been to work as her as well. I’d attended a party dressed as a woman and had happily spent time chatting to a guy there. I’d even been out with a him for an evening afterewards, something I’d never have dreamed of doing. During the same period I’d lost my home, most of my belongings and would soon be losing my job. Life had certainly been eventful, but the time had come for me to begin my transition and to pick up the pieces of Tom’s life. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the prospect.

However, before I could do anything, I would have to go out and buy some new clothes for Tom, using Clare’s debit card. I’d enjoyed my shopping trips with Suzanne and Debbie over the last few weeks, and would miss getting myself ready each morning. I therefore decided that Clare could at least look her best for one last time. As soon as I’d helped Suzanne to get up and get herself showered and dressed, I went to my room to choose myself something nice to wear and began to get myself ready to go out. Suzanne joined me half an hour later having put on some makeup in the meanwhile.

‘You’re looking very smart again this morning Clare,’ she commented as she came into my bedroom.

‘Thanks,’ I replied, pleased that she had noticed.

‘I thought you were only intending to go out to buy Tom a few clothes this morning,’ she continued.

‘Yes, I am, but I’m going to miss putting on my makeup and doing my hair each morning, so I thought I’d make a particular effort on this last occasion,’ I replied diffidently.

My answer seemed to please her and she sat down on the bed, and rested her crutches next to her.

‘Do you mind if I stay and watch you for a while?’

‘Of course not,’ I said a little surprised. ‘In fact it reminds me of that first weekend in November when you showed me how to put on makeup for the first time.’

I continued to put the finishing touches to my eyes. Using eye-liner and mascara had become almost second nature to me. I then expertly put on some lipstick and a couple of dabs of face powder before checking for any small blemishes that I’d missed.

‘You’ve learned quickly how to use makeup, without over-doing it.’

It was true, but nice to be reminded of the fact, all the same.

‘Thanks, I had a very good teacher, but I’m usually quite pleased with the result these days.’

I started to brush my hair into its usual style. There was extra work involved in having long hair, but I enjoyed looking after it. Suzanne continued to watch me.

‘If you hadn’t lost your job, would you have been prepared to stay living as Clare for a while?’

‘Yes I suppose so, for a little while at least,’ I replied not knowing what she was getting at.

‘How long for?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t really know — a few weeks, maybe? I was going to play it by ear and see how I felt about things. After all, I’d only just talked myself into going out with Andy.’

‘Yes, what is going to happen about him now?’ she asked.

‘I suppose we’ll both have to accept that events were against us, and it was never meant to be,’ I said a little sadly.

‘That’s a pity.’

I didn’t respond, as I wasn’t sure what I thought about the matter, so instead I continued to brush my hair. I could see Suzanne’s face reflected in my dressing table mirror and no doubt she could also see mine. There was a short silence as I inserted a pair of earrings in the holes in my ears; this was another skill I’d acquired without realising it.

I was now almost finished and was just collecting up the various items of cosmetics to put away in my handbag, when I noticed that Suzanne was still looking at me, as if there was something she wished to say, but was not sure how to say it. This was unlike her as she was usually quite confident and spoke her mind. I turned round and smiled at her.

‘Suzanne is there something you want to say to me?’

‘Yes Clare, in fact I’ve a proposition to make to you,’ she said tentatively.

‘What kind of proposition?’ I asked, stopping what I was doing for a moment.

‘My doctor came to visit me yesterday whilst you were out at work and we had a long talk about my future. He says he is now concerned about my living on my own, but I told him that I’m not ready to move into full-time nursing care. I also explained that I had a girlfriend staying with me for a few weeks whilst she was looking for a flat, and that she was helping me get up and go to bed. This satisfied him for the time being, but we both know that I can no longer manage at home on my own. Of course I didn’t realise then that you would be wanting to look for another job so soon. If you do decide to go back to being Tom again and find yourself another job, I will loan you the money for a deposit on a flat and to buy yourself some clothes, but I would want you to move out as soon as possible, so that I can find myself a care-giver who can live in. However, if you remember, at the end of November I jokingly suggested that you might like to become my paid live-in nurse. At the time you raised two objections: that you already had a flat and a job. Both of those objections no longer seem to apply. If you were interested, I could to employ you as a part-time helper, and would pay you enough to make up for your loss of earnings. You could then continue to work part-time at your office.’

‘I couldn’t accept any payment from you Suzanne, you’re my friend. Helping you to get dressed is the least I can do for you.’

‘I’m soon going to need more help than just getting up and going to bed. Please at least think about my offer, Clare. After all, it’s going to be difficult enough for me to find a care-giver who can live in. If I do find someone, I may not even like them. At least I know that we get on well together, and that I can rely on you. If you accept my proposal I would pay you the difference from what you currently receive but it would be cash in hand rather than subject to tax, so you would be better off. There would be certain conditions attached to my offer though,’ she continued.

‘What sort of conditions?’

‘First of all, I want you to understand that this offer is only being made to Clare. If you accept you must agree to remain as you are now and forget all about Tom for the duration of your employment with me - however long that may be. I don’t want to end my days being looked after by Tom, or even by a part-time Clare. In return, I’ll provide you with all the clothes and anything else that you might need to live as a woman full-time.’

I noted her words but didn’t respond to this point.

‘Secondly, I want you to promise to remain with me until I die, even if it eventually means you have to give up your job and work for me full-time. I really do not want to spend my last days in a nursing home or hospital, and have made that quite clear to the doctors.

I also want you to arrange for my funeral and cremation and be the executor of my will. If you agree to do these things for me, I promise to make it worth your while. I believe that I can trust you. There is nobody else I can ask. My only surviving relative is a cousin in Australia whom I’ve not seen in several years. I expect that she’s forgotten that I even exist. My only friends, other than you, have just gone abroad.

I sighed, feeling truly sorry about her bleak prospects, but not sure what to do.

‘My goodness Suzanne, I agreed to stand in as your cousin for one evening and now you’re asking me to spend the next few months, maybe even years, living as a woman full-time,’ I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.

‘No Clare, it may be a few weeks; a few months if I’m lucky, but it certainly won’t be years,’ she said sadly. ‘Believe me I am well aware of the seriousness of my condition and its likely outcome.

I didn’t know what to say in response to her. Of course I was desperately sorry for her, and also grateful for everything she had done and was doing for me, but what she was suggesting would take things to a new level. There was an awkward silence.

‘I know that I’m asking a lot of you, but I wouldn’t have made the suggestion if I’d not been convinced that, deep down, you prefer living as Clare and will continue to do so.’

Was this so? I looked down at my long lacquered finger nails and suspected that she was right, even though I’d not entirely come to terms with the fact myself.

‘I suppose I have said to you that I’ve enjoyed my time staying with you as Clare,’ I began, but Suzanne interrupted.

‘Actually, it was pretty obvious to both Debbie and me without your needing to say so, otherwise we would not have pressured you in the way that we did,’ she said smiling.

‘I’m glad that you did,’ I said blushing. ‘But I need to think about any potential problems with your plan. What would happen if my employers discovered that one of their male employees was coming in to work dressed as a woman and it became impossible for me to continue working at the office?’

‘I don’t think that is likely to happen, but if it did, you could either work for me full-time or else look out for another part-time job as Clare.’

‘How would I do that without the necessary identity documentation?’

‘Don’t forget that I have a birth certificate, a National Insurance number, and a bank account in the name of Clare Alice Simpson. You could walk into any job using that name at any time. In fact I would suggest that, if your office manager agrees, Tom should give in his notice on Monday and that Clare should apply to take over as soon as he leaves.’

‘Surely someone is going to check and I could be prosecuted if they ever found out that I was living under somebody else’s name,’ I said.

‘That would be a possibility, but there’s no reason why anyone should find out as long as you lead a quiet and law-abiding life in all other respects. I also have an Australian passport in that name that will soon need to be renewed. It’ll be a relatively simple task to get a new one with your photograph and your signature. Clare Simpson already has indefinite leave to remain in the UK and doesn’t need a work permit. She could even apply for UK citizenship if she chose to do so.’

‘Suzanne, how is it that you possess this duplicate identity?’ I asked.

‘There are reasons, which I’ll explain to you at some future time, but only if you agree to my proposition.’

I stopped for a minute or two to think through the implications of what she was suggesting to me. In some respects I found the prospect quite exciting, but it would also have many far-reaching implications for me as well. I’d always enjoyed my time as Clare, but there had always been an end in sight.

‘So what do you think about my proposition, young lady?’ she asked at last.

‘Suzanne, you’re looking for quite a commitment from me. I’m going to need a little time to think about it.’

I think she was a little disappointed that I hadn’t immediately accepted her offer, but on the other I hadn’t turned it down either.

‘Alright then; I realise that what I’ve just proposed will take some thought on your part, and that you’ll need to take a little time to decide what to do, but in the meanwhile don’t go shooting off to the shops to buy a whole load of men’s clothes that you may not ultimately need.’

‘If I agree to postpone my shopping trip, will you let me have until tomorrow to make my decision.’

‘Yes, of course, tomorrow will be fine, but I won’t be able to afford to leave it much longer.’

‘I know,’ I replied.

Suzanne got up and made her way back to her own bedroom on crutches without saying anything more. There was no doubt that she was right, she did now need help. I’d noticed the deterioration in her condition over the last two months; she was often now breathless and the slightest exertion would tire her out. My presence in her flat for the last few weeks had disguised the fact that she would not now be able to manage if she were to be left on her own. I absent-mindedly started brushing my hair once again as I thought about the implications of what she’d just said.

---

I needed to think things through on my own, without the proximity of Suzanne. I was dressed and ready to go out but I’d done all of our shopping for groceries on Wednesday evening and didn’t now have to go shopping for Tom’s clothes. I therefore decided to take a walk in nearby Holland Park instead. It was a cold sunny day, ideal weather for clearing my head and sorting out what I wanted to do with my life.

It wasn’t as if I’d been desperately unhappy living as Tom, but I’d always felt that things weren’t quite right with my life. It was as if everything was a little bit blurred, whereas ever since I’d become Clare it was as if I’d acquired my first pair of glasses. Everything now appeared to be in sharp focus. With Tom, the colours had all seemed a little muted whereas as Clare it was like being in a 1950s Technicolour film; everything appeared to be bright and shiny. No doubt I’d soon get used to the colours and sensations of living as a woman and begin to take them for granted, but for the time being I was enjoying the novelty of wearing pretty clothes and taking trouble over my appearance.

Although there was frost still on the ground in places, I was warmly dressed in a winter coat and boots. I therefore sat on a park bench for a while turning over things in my mind. I’d been there about fifteen minutes when a guy in his twenties walked past with his dog. I could see from his expression that he quite fancied me, but I was now getting used to receiving admiring glances from guys, and this didn’t worry me too much.

‘Hello love, are you alright?’ he asked.

It was an odd sensation, half of me was quite pleased to be noticed and that he taken the trouble to ask, something that would never have happened to Tom, but the other half was exasperated that I could not be left on my own to think for ten minutes.

‘I’m fine thanks, I’m just waiting for my boyfriend,’ I replied smiling. ‘In fact I think that is him coming now,’ I said pointing to someone in the distance.

‘OK then,’ he said and we both walked off in different directions.

I clearly couldn’t stay sitting in the park all morning without the danger that I might get arrested for loitering or that someone would come over and try to chat me up. In any event, I really needed to talk things through with someone who understood my situation, other than Suzanne. My only other friend was Debbie, so I decided to ring her and ask whether I might go and see her.

‘Hi Debs, what are you doing this morning?’ I asked.

‘Hi Clare? or is it Tom that I’m speaking to now?’ she asked, apparently a little surprised by my call.

‘I thought you could tell the difference from my voice.’

‘Well it sounds like Clare, but yesterday you seemed to be adamant that you’d be reverting to Tom this morning.’

‘I know I was, but you were right first time; it’s still Clare, at least for the time being.’

‘Good; in that case what can I do for you my dear?’

‘Would it be possible for me to come over to your flat and have a talk with you later today, there’s something I need to discuss fairly urgently.’

‘Well I happen to be shopping in central London at the moment and have just bought myself a great new evening dress in one of the Oxford Street sales. As you’re still en femme you would be welcome to come over this evening if you like. Alternatively I’d be happy to meet up for lunch, if it’s urgent.’

‘Lunch would be better for me if that is alright. Shall we meet up in that café in Leicester Square where we went once before?’

‘Yes, I’ll see you there in about an hour.’

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 19

Decisions and preparations for a new life

Debbie arrived at the restaurant to find me already sitting at a table examining the menu. I’d deliberately chosen a seat in the corner where we were unlikely to be overheard by the other diners. She was dressed in tight-fitting jeans, leather boots, a woolly jumper and a bomber jacket, and with minimal makeup — quite different from her normal ‘smart-professional’ look at work. Yet she still looked like a pretty girl, all the same. We must have looked an odd couple with me dressed and made up to the ‘nines’ and her so casually attired.

‘Hi, Clare, you look very smart today.’

‘You always look lovely, whether you make the effort or not,’ I replied, smiling.

‘I suppose I should take that as a compliment.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound rude, I just meant to say that your femininity comes from within, whereas I have to work quite hard to achieve mine.’

‘Don’t worry, it’ll come in time with practice, but yesterday you were saying that you were going to abandon Clare and return to your old life.’

‘That’s what I need to talk to you about.’

At that point we were interrupted by the waitress who took our orders. As soon as she’d gone, I related my conversation with Suzanne of that morning.

‘Wow, I could see that Suzanne was very ill but I’d no idea that her condition was quite so desperate.’

‘I suppose she only told me as she needed my help.’

‘That’s quite an offer she’s making, I assume you’re going to accept?’

‘So you think I should do so?’

‘Yes, of course I do! You’ll then be able to continue working with us at the office, and also save yourself some money.’

Then after a moment’s thought, she tempered her initial enthusiasm.

‘No, I’m getting carried away. I can see that it would be a considerable commitment on your part. You should only accept if that’s what you want to do. You’re the one who has to decide.’

‘It’ll also be emotionally grueling to have to watch my friend die, but at least I would know that I’d done my best for her. I suppose it would also solve my immediate financial and accommodation problems,’ I replied. ‘But it would mean my having to remain as Clare for some time.’

‘Well isn’t that what you want? It has been obvious to us all at work that you’re comfortable living and working as Clare, and Suzanne clearly knows it to be the case otherwise she would never have made you the offer,’ she replied.

Then, as an afterthought, she added: ‘it would also mean that you could still go out with Andy as well.’

‘I’d rather forgotten about Andy, but do you think that Karen and Helen would be happy if I continue working as Clare part-time for the next few months?’

‘Why should they object as long as you did your work? I’m sure they’d both be delighted with the idea. However, why not phone them and discuss it with each of them individually, if you need re-assurance?’

‘I may do so, but there would be other complicating matters as well.’

‘What sort of things?’

‘Whatever will I say to my father? He’s due back in the country later today.’

‘That is something for you to decide, Clare, but didn’t you tell me that he lived a long way from London?’

‘Yes, he doesn’t live far from Newcastle-upon-Tyne. I was brought up in the south, but my parents moved back there a couple of years ago.’

‘That’s nearly three hundred miles away so he’s hardly likely to be dropping round tomorrow to show you his holiday snaps.’

‘No, I suppose not, but he does visit London from time to time and also expects me to go there at Bank Holidays. He will expect to see me at Easter.’

‘That’s not until April, but if you don’t feel ready to tell him the truth, you could always say that you’re going to be out of the country for a few months and promise to keep in touch with him by email and the occasional phone call.’

‘I suppose that might work for a few weeks, although he might decide to pay a visit to wherever I’m supposedly staying.’

‘In that case you should pretend to be somewhere a long way away - on a different continent - so that he is unlikely to decide visit you at short notice.’

I thought for a moment.

‘Actually, that’s not a bad idea, Debs. He has recently found a new lady friend, and needs to make a new life for himself without me popping in to see that he is alright, just as I need to sort out my own life. If I were supposedly living in America for a few weeks I could stay in regular touch without his having to know the full story of what I was doing.’

‘There may come a time when he will need to be told the whole story.’

‘Yes, I know, but only at a time when I know what the whole story is, and also when I feel ready to tell him.’

‘So it sounds to me as if you’re inclined to accept Suzanne’s offer?’

I sighed.

‘I really don’t know Debbie. I feel desperately sorry for Suzanne, and I enjoy my time living as Clare, but, as you said, I would be entering in to a long-term commitment. If I agreed to her proposal I would not be able to back out afterwards. That’s why I wanted to talk it through with you, and ask what do you think I should do?’

She thought for a moment before replying.

‘Suzanne is undoubtedly in need of your help, but I think you should do whatever feels right for you. However, I don’t think you would be asking me unless you knew in your heart what that was.’

The waitress began clearing the dishes, leaving us both with a cup of coffee. This provided me with a minute or two to think about what Debbie had just said. She was quite right. I’d known since before Christmas what I wanted, but all the time I’d been hoping that somebody else would tell me what to do and therefore take responsibility for my choice. As Suzanne had said to me on boxing day, I had to take responsibility for my decision, one way or another, and face the consequences. I took a deep breath.

‘Alright, I’ll accept Suzanne’s offer as long as Karen is agreeable for me to carry on working as Clare.’

I could feel my heart beating as I said those words, but at the same time I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Debbie touched my hand.

‘Clare, I honestly think you’re making the right decision, not just for Suzanne’s sake, but principally for your own sake as well.’

‘I hope so,’ I replied.

‘I’m sure so. I don’t think you would have dressed the way you have done this morning if there was any doubt in your mind. So why don’t you ring Karen at home now and tell her your intention and then let Suzanne know. That way, we can carry on shopping together this afternoon.’

She handed me her mobile phone which contained Karen’s number.

‘Will she mind if I ring her at home?’

‘No, of course she won’t mind; she was really worried about you yesterday.’

Having first made sure that nobody else in the restaurant was likely to overhear my conversation, I rang Karen. I told her about Suzanne’s proposition to me and her suggestion that the company should re-employ me part-time under my new name, using Clare’s documentation.

‘I’d love to have you stay on part-time, and would have no problem with you coming in to work dressed as Clare, but I’m not sure about re-employing you under your new name. After all, it could be construed as fraud.’

‘Nobody is intending to cheat the company out of anything, I’ll just do the same job as before, but for fewer hours. After all, you are only following the instructions of the regional manager at Head Office. In some respects it would make your life simpler as the names and genders of the staff actually doing the work would correspond with the company personnel records.’

Karen thought aloud for a while.

‘I doubt whether anyone at Head Office knows anything about Tom other than as a name on their books, and once he resigns he will soon be forgotten about. You do look and act the part of Clare most convincingly and so as long as you have a birth certificate, NI number and bank account in Clare’s name I suppose there shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it is not my role to check up on the backgrounds of our employees, I just forward their documents to the Human Resources Department. I don’t think they would be likely to check either. However, Helen and Debbie would also know and so they would have to agree to keep your secret.’

‘Debbie is with me at the moment and would be happy with the idea.’

‘I suspect that Helen will also be pleased to have Clare continue as her workmate; she asked me whether some arrangement could be made for you to continue working with us.’

‘Should I ring her and explain the situation?’ I asked.

‘No, leave that to me. I’ll see you on Monday morning then with Tom’s letter of resignation and Clare’s documentation.’

‘Thanks Karen, I know that you are taking a small risk for me, but I promise that Clare will be a model employee.’

‘I hope so.’

I rang off and handed Debbie her phone back.

‘From the smile on your face I assume there were no real problems with Karen,’ she commented.

‘I don’t think so, in fact I’m beginning to feel quite excited by the prospect of living as Clare full-time.’

‘I thought so, and now it’s time to give Suzanne your decision, and then there can be no second thoughts,’ she said.

‘Yes, I realise that.’

I took out my own phone from my bag and rang the flat.

‘Hi Suzanne, I’ve been thinking about your proposition all morning and I’ve spoken to my colleagues from work. I would like to accept your offer and will stay with you as Clare for as long as is necessary. If all goes to plan, I’ll arrange my working hours so that I’ve plenty of time to help you in the mornings and at night.

‘Clare that’s wonderful news, I’m so relieved that you’ve agreed to help me, and I’m sure that you won’t regret it.’

‘Thanks, I just needed a little time to recognize and then come to terms with what I really wanted.’

‘So you won’t now need to buy any more clothes for Tom.’

‘No, not for the foreseeable future, but I am going to need to buy some more items of lingerie if I’m to be living as Clare full-time. I’m with Debbie at the moment and she has told me where there are some bargains to be had. Would you object if I spent that money that you’d already agreed to lend me on clothes for Clare rather than Tom? I’ll pay you back out of my first week’s wages.’

‘No, of course I don’t mind. In fact, it’ll be a far more sensible use of the money. It is high time you started buying your own clothes and I’ll look forward to seeing what you’ve got for yourself. In fact why don’t you both come round this evening to celebrate. I’ll order a takeaway meal to be delivered.’

‘That sounds like a great idea, but hold on I’ll just ask Debbie.’

I relayed the invitation to Debbie.

‘I’m not really dressed for a celebration meal, and it would be impracticable for me to go home and change, but as long as Susanne doesn’t mind me as I am, I’ll be happy to come.’

Once again I passed on the message to Suzanne.

‘In that case I’ll see you both as soon as you’ve finished your shopping. Please would you bring a bottle of champagne back with you, Clare, and I’ll settle with you later. We can aim to eat at about seven thirty.’

---

After we left the restaurant we went out shopping together in the West End. I helped Debbie to choose herself a pair of shoes to go with her new dress and bought myself sufficient underwear so that there would be no danger of my ever running short, and a pack containing six pairs of tights. It was nice to be able to choose myself pretty feminine lingerie without having to worry about what other people might be thinking of me. Debbie also pointed out several other bargains to me and I tried on a dress that I liked, but managed to restrain myself from buying it. I didn’t want to get more in to debt with Suzanne than I could avoid, and needed to see how the new financial arrangements would work out.

My mobile phone rang during the course of the afternoon. I was about to respond using my recently perfected female voice which I tended to use automatically these days, when I noticed from the display that the caller was my Dad. I had therefore to think of myself into the role of Tom once more before I spoke.

‘Hello Dad, how was the cruise?’ I asked.

‘The cruise was fine thanks, son, but you never phoned us on Christmas day as you promised,’ he said accusingly.

‘I did try, on a couple of occasions, but I couldn’t get through to your ship. I suppose the lines were all busy,’ I lied.

(There was no way that I was going to risk making such a call on Christmas Day when Elaine and Christine had been present.)

‘Never mind, did you get our postcard?’

‘No, I’m afraid not; there was a fire at my old flat whilst I was away during the Christmas Holiday and I’m having to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. But I’ll be going round to pick up my post in a few days.’

‘I hope you are covered by insurance.’

‘I believe so, but it is going to take a couple of weeks to sort out.’

‘In that case you’d better give me your new address.’

‘Well, actually Dad, my current address is only temporary as it looks as if I may be be going to the USA for a few weeks with my work.’

‘Oh that sounds interesting! Whereabouts?

‘Denver.’

(I wanted to choose somewhere fairly remote where he would never dream of visiting me.)

‘Where’s that?’

‘Colorado, I believe.’

‘You have a cousin in Boston, perhaps you could look in on her one afternoon?’

(Dad’s geography got a little bit shaky once he got outside the UK. Like many Brits he assumed that you ought to be able to visit anywhere in a country with half a day’s driving.)

‘I don’t think that will be practicable, Denver is nearly as far from Boston, as Boston is from London.’

That would at least bring it home to him how far it was.

‘Oh, so when will you be leaving?’

‘In about ten days, as long as I can get a work visa in time.’

‘But how long are you going for?’

‘I’m not sure at the moment. It may be for a few weeks, I’ll know more when I get there. An opportunity came up at work just before Christmas. I’ve been offered a posting and also somewhere to stay.’

‘This is all very sudden, Tom.’

‘Yes, the chance came up whilst you were away. Someone had to drop out at the last minute for family reasons. I’ll be taking their place. I would have liked to have discussed it with you but you were away.’

He sounded quite impressed.

‘You have to make your own way in the world now, son, but I’m sorry we won’t even be able to see you before you go.’

‘Don’t worry, I saw you both just before Christmas, and it is easy to keep in touch by phone or email these days.’

‘Mobile phones can be rather expensive to use overseas, but I suppose we can use email,’ he replied.

Fortunately my father was a technophobe and he would be most unlikely ever to want to use Skype or MSN. We continued talking for five minutes or so and I made up a convincing story as to why I had to go so far and at such short notice. He seemed to accept my story, but just before we completed our call he made an odd comment.

‘You do know, son, that you can always tell me,’ he said.

‘Tell you what?’

‘I don’t know, whatever you need to tell me.’

’What I’ve got planned for the next few weeks isn’t the sort of thing a boy tells his father,’ I thought to myself.

‘Yes, of course,’ I answered and then finished the call with a sigh of relief, reverting once again to being Clare.

‘What was that all about?’ asked Debbie, who had been nearby throughout the conversation.

‘I was just making sure that my father doesn’t decide to pay me an unannounced visit over the next few weeks.’

‘So you won’t be telling him about your new way of life?’

‘No; at least not for the time being, not until I know exactly what I want to do long term,’ I answered feeling guilty.

‘Be careful that you don’t create too elaborate a fictional life or else you may get caught out.’

‘Believe me Debs, my living and working as a guy in Denver is far less far-fetched than what I’ll actually be doing in London,’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘I think you’ll soon get used to it.’

---

Later that afternoon I bought myself a new ‘pay-as-you-go’ sim card for my mobile phone which would give me a new number. I’d keep my existing mobile account operating until the day I was officially due to fly to the USA and then cancel it and transfer to my new number. This would give me enough time to notify my friends and colleagues before I changed over. In future though I’d only be able to receive calls that were intended for Clare. I intended to remain in regular contact with my dad, but it would be me who controlled the means of communication. I’d already set up an email account in Clare’s name by this time. Debbie also mentioned a new service called ‘Facebook’ to me, which was a means of keeping in touch with people you knew in a controlled manner. She had already created her own page and suggested that I should create two pages, one for Tom (for keeping in touch with my family] and one for Clare (for my friends and workmates. I could even make them friends with one another.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 20

Saturday night and Sunday morning

Debbie and I completed our shopping and made our way back to Suzanne’s flat, arriving at about 5.30pm. Suzanne had given me a key to her flat before Christmas, and so I let us both in; my friend was dozing on the couch, but appeared to have been quite busy and had already laid the table for our meal. We put down our shopping bags and then gently began to waken her.

‘Hi, you two, I’m sorry, I must have dropped off,’ she responded, a little breathlessly, but seemed pleased to see us all the same.

‘Hi Suzanne, are you feeling alright? I asked.

‘Yes, I’m fine thanks, I just seem to get tired so easily these days, but I’m feeling better now.’

‘Have you ordered the meal for tonight?’ I asked.

‘Yes, don’t worry, everything is in hand. I know that you both like Indian food so we’ll be having a prawn curry, but it won’t be delivered until 7.30pm so we have plenty of time. Did you buy that bottle of champagne?’

‘Actually, that is going to be my contribution to the festivities this evening,’ said Debbie, ‘I’ll put it in the fridge to chill.’

‘I’ve bought a chocolate and cream dessert for us. It won’t be good for our waistlines, but it is, after all, going to be a special occasion and we all normally eat fairly sensibly.’

‘Thanks, both of you. Once you’ve unpacked your shopping you can show me what you’ve bought today,’ she replied noticing all the carrier bags.

‘As we have nearly two hours before we’re due to eat, perhaps you would like to try on your new outfit to show us Debbie,’ I suggested.

Debbie appeared to be willing to oblige us.

‘I know,’ said Suzanne, ‘why don’t we all three of us dress up in our best frocks for the evening. I won’t have much chance to wear nice clothes now that Elaine and Christine have gone overseas.’

Of the three of us, I was already dressed smartly, but I was quite taken with Suzanne’s suggestion, both to please her, but also for my own sake.

‘Would that be alright with you Debs?’ I asked.

‘Well I wouldn’t want to be the only one wearing trousers if you two decide to dress up,’ she said smiling. ‘But I’m wearing socks so I’ll need to pop out to the convenience shop and buy myself some tights, first.’

‘You’re welcome to have one of the pairs of tights that I bought this afternoon,’ I suggested.

‘And I can provide you with any makeup you might need,’ added Suzanne.

‘Since we are going to dress up, may I wear your long grey dress once again, Suzanne; the one I had on at your dinner party last November?’ I asked. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to try it on again ever since.’

‘Oh yes, I saw the photographs of you wearing it and you looked lovely,’ added Debbie.

‘I’m afraid I don’t possess that long grey dress any more, I’ve given it away,’ Suzanne said.

Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she smiled and added: ‘you’ll find it together with some other clothes laying on your bed. Come through and have a look.’

We went through to my bedroom. Suzanne had clearly spent the afternoon going through her own wardrobe once again and had passed on lots of different clothes to me, which were laying on the bed or else piled up on the chest of drawers. The dressing table also now had additional supplies of costume jewelry, cosmetics, and other items that might be needed to help me maintain my new way of life.

‘I think you’ll find that most of what I’ve chosen will fit and also suit you and that you now have everything that any well-dressed young lady might need,’ she said.

‘Suzanne, thank you, but you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble, I already had enough clothes to be going on with.’

‘It was part of the deal — if you agreed to remain as Clare, I promised to provide you with everything you might need to do so. In any event, a girl can never have too many clothes. At least now you’ll have a choice of what to wear for any occasion.’

‘But I was only just beginning to get the hang of what clothes looked good together, and now I’ll have to start all over again.’

‘You’ve barely reached ‘O’ level standard,’ she said. ‘I expect you to have reached at least ‘A’ level before I die. You can undertake your degree level studies afterwards.’

I didn’t like it when Suzanne joked about her demise, so I attempted to divert the subject of our conversation to less morbid topics.

‘But it isn’t just going to be a question of learning about what clothes to wear; I’ll also need to discover what it is to live as a woman.’

‘Surely you’ve been discovering that over the last six weeks?’ said Suzanne.

‘Yes, in some respects that’s true except that now it is going to be full-time and also for the foreseeable future.’

‘You’re a fast learner and I’m sure you will get on fine,’ added Debbie.

‘Maybe, but I still don’t fully understand why I was born male, yet somehow feel more comfortable in the female role,’ I said.

‘You certainly appear to be more relaxed and confident when you’re living as a girl,’ added Debbie.

‘I noticed that on the first time I persuaded you to put on some of my clothes and became Clare. You, will no doubt wish to learn more about your condition and feelings, but I think you’ll find you are not alone in that situation.’

Now that I’d accepted in my own mind that my immediate future was going to be as a young woman, I was quite pleased with the reaction of my two friends, but I also privately resolved to spend some time looking on the Internet over the next few days to try and make sense of my situation and my feelings about myself.

‘Thank you once again, Suzanne, for all the clothes and for everything else that you’ve given me. I’ll let you have them back when I’ve had a chance to buy some of my own. It shouldn’t be too long before I can go shopping for myself once again, now that I won’t have to worry about clothing Tom for a while.’

Suzanne sighed.

‘As I’ve already told you, there’s no need for you to return anything that I’ve given you. I won’t be wearing them again, and it’s satisfying for me to know that you’ll now be making good use of them. However, I also understand that, as a newly emerging young woman, you’ll want to choose some clothes of your own and gradually develop your own look.’

‘So what’s your look going to be Clare, Goth? Punk? Hippy? Grunge? or Lesbian Chic?’ asked Debbie laughing.

‘How would I know what looks good on me?’ I replied, I’ll have to rely on you two to advise me.

‘You’ll soon get to know what’s right for you, but in the meanwhile, for this evening, I suggest we go for ‘Girly-glam’ look and we can take it from there,’ suggested Debbie.

‘Alright, ladies we have an hour and a half to help one another to get ourselves ready before the meal arrives.’

I helped Suzanne to take a quick shower whilst Debbie put all my new clothes away for me, then we all helped one another to get ready for the evening.

---

One thing that I had discovered over the last six weeks was how the clothes you are wearing, your hair, makeup and jewelry can all contribute to the way you feel about yourself and how you interact with others. If you look good, you tend to feel good as well and are fun to be with. During the course of the evening we chatted together happily on a wide variety of subjects unrelated to recent events. For once there was no mention of Tom, the fire, the loss of my job or Suzanne’s illness. There were still a number of questions in my mind to ask Suzanne about my status in her house and who exactly was Clare Simpson, whose identity I would be using. However, these topics might be best discussed later, when Suzanne and I were alone. For the time being I was happy to join in her enjoyment of company, and be accepted by both my friends in my new role.

We drank water with our meal which was quite spicy, but as we were eating the dessert Debbie retrieved the bottle of champagne, opened it and poured three glasses.

‘Ladies, I should like to propose a toast to my two friends Clare and Suzanne, and also to say farewell to a certain young man whom I needn’t name.’

‘I hope you will be happy in your new home Clare,’ said Suzanne, raising her glass.

‘Yes, and for a long time to come,’ added Debbie.

I could hardly argue with that, for both our sakes.

We drank the toast, then re-filled our glasses and continued chatting happily until after 11.00pm. Debbie announced that she needed to go to the toilet, and then would have to get changed.

‘It’s getting a little late for her to be travelling home on public transport on her own,’ I said. ‘Would you mind if I offer to let her stay with me tonight?’

‘Of course I don’t mind; you didn’t need to ask. Please now regard this as your home as well,’ said Suzanne.

A few weeks before, I would never have dreamed of offering to share my bed with Debbie, and she would never have dreamed of accepting, but now it seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

‘Thanks for the offer Clare, but I really can’t stay tonight, as I’ve already made arrangements to go out tomorrow morning. But don’t worry, I’ll get a taxi.

There was something in the way she said it that aroused my suspicions.

‘Debbie, are you going on a date tomorrow?’ I asked.

Her cheeks became even more flushed than they had been as a result of the champagne.

‘And you weren’t planning on telling us?’

‘I wasn’t intending to keep it a secret for long, but I wanted to see how things went first.’

‘So what’s his name and when did you meet him?’ asked Suzanne.

‘He’s called Guy and I was introduced to him at my party.’

‘I never noticed you chatting to any ‘Guy’ at your party?’ I said.

‘That’s because you were too busy looking doe-eyed at my friend Andy; by the way what is happening on that front?’ she replied, studiously changing the subject.

I’d rather forgotten about my proposed date with Andy, given all the fuss about losing my job; but now things were settled there was no reason why we shouldn’t go out as planned.

‘Andy said that he would ring me on Tuesday. So what are you planning to do with Guy then?’ I said, determined to return to my original line of enquiry.

‘Nothing much, just getting to know one another.’

‘I’ll be expecting a blow-by-blow account when we next meet,’ I continued.

‘I doubt if it’ll come to blows, at least not on the first date,’ she replied laughing.

‘Well let’s hope that Guy’s the guy for you.’

The others rolled their eyes in disgust at my joke.

Whilst Debbie changed back into her trousers and jacket, Suzanne rang her local mini-cab firm and persuaded them to take her friend home at a discounted price, the cost of which we divided three ways.

‘Thanks for helping me to make up my mind and for everything else, Debs,’ I said as I saw her to the taxi.’

‘I’m sure you’ve made the right decision, Clare, you seemed so happy this evening,’ she said giving me a kiss on the cheek.

‘I think you are probably right,’ I replied.

‘I’ll see you on Monday.’

‘And good luck with Guy!’

She blushed and waved as the taxi pulled away.

---

When I got back I found that Suzanne had fallen asleep on the settee, once again. I helped her to her room and to get undressed and ready for bed. I then went back to my room where I stood looking at myself in the full-length mirror for a few minutes. Debbie was right, I was sure that I had made the right decision, but there were still matters to be discussed with Suzanne, although they would now have to wait to the next day. In the meanwhile I would just enjoy the feeling of wearing that long dress and looking so good; it showed off my boobs rather nicely. I then remembered that it was more than a week since Debbie had helped we to stick them on, and that I ought to take them off for a little while to give my skin a chance to recover. Reluctantly I changed out of my dress, removed my makeup and began the painful task of peeling off my breasts. As I did so I found myself wondering for the second time in as many weeks, what it would be like to have my own breasts, but on this occasion I didn’t force the idea out of my mind and began to wonder how one might go about it — whether through taking hormones or having plastic surgery. There was so much I needed to discover about my new life. It was with those thoughts going round my head that I eventually fell asleep.

---

It felt a little odd to be flat-chested again in the morning when I woke, and so I took off my nightdress and examined myself in the mirror. The skin was a little red where the breast forms had been stuck down, and pale where it had been covered by them. My initial reaction was to want to replace my boobs again as soon as possible but I wasn’t planning to go anywhere and it was probably better for me to leave them off for twenty-four hours to recover, if I could bear to do so. I looked at my face in the mirror. I was wearing no makeup or jewelry and my hair was loosely tied back with a ribbon, yet it was undoubtedly Clare rather than Tom who was looking back at me. What exactly had changed over the last six weeks? Was it the way I looked and acted towards other people? Or was it more a question of how I saw myself? Perhaps it was a combination of both.

I decided to conduct an experiment. There was one pair of black women’s trousers and a fairly androgynous looking t-shirt among the clothes that Suzanne had passed on to me, and also some white trainers and socks. I put these on and brushed and tied my hair back into a pony tail, just to see what it felt like. I even went so far as to remove my nail varnish for the first time in several weeks. I again looked at myself in the mirror. Perhaps I didn’t look quite as feminine as usual, but I was sure that I would be able to walk down the street dressed as I was and nobody would bat an eyelid. In fact there was only one way to find out. I was going to need to acquire a travelcard for getting into work over the next week, so I put on a zip-up jacket, that further disguised my lack of breasts and walked to the station.

‘What can I do for you miss?’ asked the young man in the ticket office.

He seemed to be in no doubt about my gender; in fact I got the distinct impression that he liked the look of me.

‘I’d like a travelcard for Zones 1 and 2 please,’ I answered in what was now my normal speaking voice, but deliberately giving him a friendly smile.

My smile caught him a little off guard, and he blushed for a moment, but then recovered himself.

‘Fill in this form please, love.’

The ‘love’ confirmed to me that he thought I was a woman. No man would ever have referred to Tom as ‘love’.

A wicked idea went through my mind. What if I were now to fill it in using Tom’s name and sex; how would he react towards me then? But that wasn’t the object of the exercise, so I filled in all the details for Clare instead and passed it to him.

‘You haven’t ticked the box saying whether you want a monthly, quarterly, or annual ticket?’

I took a breath, wondering which one to choose.

‘As long as you will be travelling for at least three months it would be worth your while to get an annual ticket. You can always cash it in if you change your job,’ he said.

‘In that case I should like an annual ticket please.’

He ticked it for me, and we again exchanged smiles. It occurred to me that he would be happy to chat to me if I were to give him some encouragement, but other customers arrived at the window and so we didn’t continue with our pleasantries. A few minutes later I was in possession of a new season ticket. Tomorrow I would arrange to transfer Tom’s remaining funds into Clare’s account.

I’d now burned the last of the bridges to my former life. Tom had lost his flat, his job, and severed contact with his family, at least for the time being. The following day Clare would be embarking on a new job and would be around for some months to come, and possibly longer. Henceforth I would be living as Clare Simpson, so I now needed to ask Suzanne a number of questions about exactly who she was and where she had come from.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 21

Who is Clare?

Suzanne emerged from her slumbers soon after I returned home with my new season ticket. I helped her to get out of bed, get showered and dressed. She didn’t say anything about my choice of clothes, and had promised that in future she would only comment on my dress or makeup if invited to do so. We then had some breakfast together, and I mentioned my trip out to collect a season ticket. She didn’t appear surprised that I should have ventured out dressed as I was.

‘That reminds me Clare, there are various documents that I need to hand over to you now that you’ve agreed to stay,’ she said going to a drawer in the bureau

‘Here’s the cheque book for your new bank account. You already have the debit card and the pin number. I’ve written down your date of birth, your mother’s maiden name and the answers to the other security questions in case you ever have to telephone the bank.’

‘Although the signature on the back of the debit card is relatively easy to copy, I suggest that you use the pin as much as possible until you’ve had time to practice using it’ commented Suzanne. ‘In fact we may as well report the cards as being lost so that they send another one which you can then sign. You’ll find that just over seven hundred and fifty pounds is transferred into this account each month, but don’t get too excited as I’ll want four hundred of that back to cover your share of the rent and for your keep. The remainder will be my contribution towards your pay. I know the arrangement sounds complicated but there are good reasons for doing so.’

‘That’s fine by me, in fact it all sounds very generous, Suzanne,’ I replied.

Here’s your new birth certificate and national insurance number. I’m afraid that you’ve aged four years overnight, but when you wear makeup you could easily pass for a twenty-four year old. Notice also that you are now an Australian citizen although you don’t need a work permit as you came in to the country on a five year ‘ancestry visa’. In fact you’ll soon be able to apply for UK citizenship, if you wish.

‘Wouldn't that would involve an interview when it would be apparent that I don’t have an Australian accent?’

‘You have a fairly nondescript London accent which would probably pass for most purposes, but if you want to sound Australian try to cultivate the ‘questioning intonation’ used by the younger actors on the ‘Neighbours’ or ‘Home and away’ soaps. There are also websites to teach actors to sound Australian.

‘Strewth cobber, it’s going to be enough learning how to speak like a Sheila without also having to learn 'strine,’ I said in a cod Australian accent.

‘Remember that we don’t all talk like Crocodile Dundee, responded Suzanne in perfect RP English.

‘Point taken, but you do seem to have thought of just about everything,’ I said.

‘I hope so.’

Don’t you think it’s time that you let me into the secret concerning Clare Simpson since I’m going to be living under her name and spending her money for the next few months?’

‘What do you want to know?’

‘For a start, I want to know who she is and why you possess two sets of identity documents.’

‘Alright, If you make us both another pot of coffee I promise to tell you everything.’

Suzanne and I sat down together at the kitchen table and she poured me another coffee.

‘So you haven’t guessed about Clare then?’ she said.

‘No, what is there to guess?’ I replied.

‘That Clare Alice Simpson is me. It was the name that I was given when I was born in Melbourne in 1982.’

This came as a surprise to me, I’d always assumed that Suzanne was five or even six years older than me rather than just four, but I guess her medical condition had made her look older than she was.

‘So why did you adopt a new name when you came to this country?’ I asked.

She sighed.

‘I had a difficult childhood. My father was a successful businessman but he drank heavily. My mother was also a very troubled woman. She took overdoses of pills on several occasions before she eventually succeeded in killing herself when I was fifteen, just when I was going through my own emotional turmoil.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘At the time, I blamed my mother’s suicide on my dad’s drinking, although, in retrospect, I suspect some of his drinking was because of my mother’s erratic behaviour. She was beginning to realise that she had inherited a genetic condition from her own mother that was going to cripple and then kill her in a few years. What is more, she realised that she’d also probably passed on that condition to me. Of course I knew none of this until much later. I was so upset and angry after her suicide that I told my dad I wanted nothing more to do with him and left home.’

‘What did you do?’

I’m afraid that for three or four years I got mixed up with some pretty bad people who were heavily involved in dealing drugs. Eventually though, I came to my senses and decided that I had to leave the country and change my name in order to get away from them all. I then made contact with my dad again and learned the full circumstances surrounding my mother’s suicide. He gave me the money to come to the UK and when I was twenty-one he gave me enough to buy into a small business.

‘That was good of him.’

Yes, I suppose it was, but unfortunately it didn’t stop him from continuing to drink heavily after my departure, just as he had done so since my mother’s death. He was always able to hold his liquor and function quite effectively in his business, but in the end cirrhosis caught up with him. He died a couple of years ago. I then found out that he’d left a substantial sum of money in his will to purchase an annuity in my old name, not realising that I was now living and working as Suzanne Fisher.

‘Why didn’t he leave it to you outright?’

‘He still didn’t trust leaving me a lump sum in case I blew it all on drugs. So that explains why I have a monthly allowance arriving in Clare’s account, which will continue for the rest of my life. With hindsight, it wasn’t a very good investment on his part as they will only need to pay out for a few years before I die.’

‘I see,’ I replied, ‘but that doesn’t really explain why you needed to change your name to Suzanne.’

‘There were a couple of reasons, which I am not particularly proud of. I knew it would be only a matter of time before the police caught up with my associates and, although I was only on the sidelines of their activities, I didn’t want to be involved in any criminal proceedings, either as a defendant or as a witness. Also, there was one guy that I used to hang out with who was quite dangerous. On more than one occasion he threatened that he’d track me down and kill me if ever I walked out on him, and I never doubted that he meant it. That’s why I changed my name as soon as I arrived in London.’

‘So is this guy still looking for you now?’

‘No, the police prosecuted the ring leaders a few months after I left; my former boyfriend was arrested but agreed to give evidence against the others in return for a reduced sentence. It didn’t do him any good though as he was later stabbed by another drug dealer in prison a few months after the trial. They really were a bunch of thugs and I’d no idea what I was involved with.’

‘How about the Australian police, are they still looking for you?’ I asked, in a state of shock about what she had just revealed.

‘No, as far as I know there are no further charges outstanding. I think they realised that I was one of the small fry and that it wasn’t worth their while to come chasing after me half way across the globe. In any event, the only person who could incriminate me is now dead.’

‘I see.’

‘By this time I’d already established an honest and successful new life in the UK as Suzanne Fisher, running a beauty salon, but was also beginning to experience the first symptoms of my medical condition. I didn’t want to go back to living as Clare Simpson again; it would have involved too many explanations to my new colleagues. So, after dad died, I used my Australian passport to open a bank account in Clare’s name in order to receive the annuity and I periodically transferred the contents into Suzanne’s bank account.’

‘When did you give up the business?’

‘About eighteen months ago. My partner and I were quite fortunate as we received a good offer for it as a going concern. We both realised that I wouldn’t be able to continue working for much longer, and she wanted to move back to the West Country, and so we accepted and divided it up proceeds. There was more than enough money for me to live on for my few remaining years.’

‘So will it be quite safe for me to live as Clare for a while?’

‘Yes. As far as I’m aware there is nobody living in this country who has ever known me as Clare Simpson. The only official document with her name and photograph is her passport which is now almost ten years old, and so you should have no difficulty in renewing it in a few weeks’ time if you send my old passport and birth certificate to Australia House. We are the same height, build and have the same coloured eyes, and it was acquired before they started recording biometric data.’

‘What about the age difference between us?’

‘I can easily make you look a few years older when we come to take your new passport photograph. Of course, you’ll need to provide them with some confirmation of your address, but you can do that by providing the bank statements. Also, you will need to provide a signature from an established member of the community, who has known you for several years, to confirm your identity. I suggest that you ask your good friend Suzanne Fisher to do that for you whilst she still can. You’ll also need to copy Clare’s signature, but I deliberately made it simple and easy to copy when I opened the bank account in her name.’

‘You really have thought it all through,’ I said.

‘I believe so.’

‘Are you sure that there isn’t anyone else who might wish to get in touch with Clare Simpson one day?’

‘I don’t think so; I lost touch with all my school friends and my surviving relations when I got involved with drugs, and then deliberately broke with everybody else that I formerly knew when I came to this country.’

‘Alright, so that explains about Clare Simpson, but where did the name Suzanne Fisher come from and how did you manage to get hold of official documents in her name?’

‘Several years ago I shared a flat in Melbourne with a British girl called Suzanne Johnson, who like me was an only child who had left home following a family row after her parents had split. Unfortunately she died of a heroin overdose, which served as a wakeup call to me. My boyfriend was her dealer and didn’t want to risk any police investigation into her death so he paid to have her body taken to the outback where it would be disposed of by wild animals. Her body was never found and so her death was never officially registered. She was a year older than me but we looked similar and so I hung on to her various identity documents just in case I should ever need them.

‘And so you used them to avoid being traced?’ I said.

‘After I arrived in the UK and had successfully obtained an ancestry visa and work permit for Clare, I did a little bit of research about Suzanne Johnson, just to make sure that she had no close family who were likely to come looking for her. When I was sure that it was safe to do so, I adopted her identity. However, I also changed her surname to Fisher by deed poll just to make it a little more difficult for anyone from either of our pasts to trace her. When I die, I want you to administer the affairs of Suzanne Fisher, it’s the name by which I’ve always been known in this country, and will certainly be the one the doctors will put on the death certificate.

‘I expect that Suzanne’s Johnson’s parents are now wondering what happened to her?’

‘I think they had their suspicions that she’d been taking drugs before she left the UK, but I was not in a position to tell them. I know the address of her mother, and have written a letter to her explaining exactly what happened, but sparing her the details of the disposal of the body. I want you to post it to her it after I have died.’

‘What will happen to Clare Simpson after you die.’

She shrugged.

‘That will be up to you to decide. As far as I am concerned you are Clare Simpson. You will have to decide whether you wish to continue living as her and receive the annuity from my father or else revert to being Tom Evans.’

If you do decide to go back to being Tom, there is nobody that you will need to notify.

‘But I wouldn’t be able to continue living as Clare indefinitely.’

She shrugged.

‘I don’t see why not, if you choose to do so! I’d rather you had the benefit of the money from the annuity than the insurance company,’ she answered.

‘But won’t the insurance company want to verify that you’re still living from time to time?’

‘Yes. The bank will no doubt tell them if the account is ever closed and the money isn’t being collected. Each year the Company sends me a statement for tax purposes, but the income is never sufficient to warrant Clare paying any Australian income tax. This statement includes a form to record any change of address or other details. There will be a new form coming in April so I suggest you should write changing something — such as your telephone number. That should be enough to satisfy them of your continued existence for a couple of years. Thereafter you may have to forge my signature from time to time, but remember the insurance company is based in Melbourne and so they are unlikely to check up too thoroughly.’

‘I would however need to notify my father, I couldn’t just leave him wondering what happened to me.’

‘Yes, I suppose so, but you won’t need to worry about it for now, Clare. So far it is only me who has done anything illegal so let's hope you’ll have many months to think about it for yourself.’

It went quiet for a while. Suzanne had certainly provided me with a lot of information about her past to take in and process. I had no idea that her story would be so complicated and entwined with so much sadness. My own life had been totally uneventful in comparison. There was no doubt that she had done many wrong things in her past, but it was in her past.

‘So now you know the full story, Clare, I hope it won’t make any difference between us.’

‘You have always been kind to me, so there’s no way that I’m going to go back on my promise now that you need me.

‘Thank you,’ she replied.

‘In any event, I’m just learning how to enjoy my time as Clare.’

‘I’m glad, I wouldn’t want your time staying with me to be only work.’

---

Neither of us said much more to one another for the remainder of the day. I believe that we were both pre-occupied with our thoughts. I did various necessary chores to take my mind of what I’d heard. I did a load of laundry for both of us, then washed my hair and afterwards removed any traces of fuzz from my arms legs, face and armpits. I also carefully replaced my breast forms and put on some nail polish so I would have one less thing to worry about it in the morning. I also changed into some more feminine clothes and put on a little makeup, although without going over the top. I realised that I looked ok as Clare without the boobs and makeup, but felt more comfortable wearing them, all the same. Suzanne made no comment about my appearance; it was just as if I was exhibiting normal behaviour for her flat mate on a Sunday.

Whilst I was waiting for my hair to dry, I began to look on the internet for information about people who lived in a different gender from the one in which they were born. In no time at all, I’d unearthed a mass of web sites: encyclopaedia articles; sites offering medical or social advice; advice on fashion and makeup; autobiographical accounts; fictional sites; humorous sites; and even some pornographic sites. At first it all seemed overwhelming, but I began a task that would eventually take me several weeks; that of immersing myself in information and gradually understanding my condition.

Over the next few days it became apparent to me that I was transgendered and had always been so, although I’d gone through the first twenty years of my life without letting myself recognize that fact. It would inevitably take me some time to accept this about myself and to deal with it accordingly.

However, in seeking to describe the excitement of my gradually beginning to recognise my true self, I find that I have begun to stray from my chronological narrative. I stress that the process of self-discovery which had begun before Christmas took some time and in many respects was running in parallel to the events relating to my job and my living accommodation.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 22

A new employee

The resignation of Tom Evans from his job and the subsequent appointment of Clare Simpson were put into operation by Karen without a great deal of fuss the following morning. I handed over Tom’s letter of resignation, then sat down and completed a new application form giving my new name, address, telephone number, bank account details and of course showing my sex as female. I also made sure that my new signature looked quite different from Tom’s old one. Once I’d completed the form I gave it to Karen together with Clare’s birth certificate and national insurance number. She didn’t ask where these documents had come from and I got the impression that she preferred not to know.

‘I appear to have aged four years overnight,’ I said as I handed over the documents and she began to read through them.

‘Yes, I suppose you do look a little younger than the twenty-four years stated here, but as long as you continue to wear some makeup at work no-one is likely to question your age,’ answered Karen.

She checked the various documents, before putting them in a brown envelope.

‘Thanks Clare, these all seem to be in order. I’ll forward them to Head Office tonight. You realise, of course, that any National Insurance payments by the company will be credited to the wrong name.’

‘Yes, I know, but it’ll only be for a few months and I’ll be able to make up for them later, I answered smiling.

I then added as an afterthought: ‘unless of course I decide to remain as Clare until I retire.’

Karen looked up at me to see whether I was being serious or not, but didn’t make any comment.

‘I’m also going to need two passport-sized photographs from you; one to send to head office with your application, and the other so that I can issue you with a new ID badge.’

‘Here you are, will these do?’ I said as I retrieved the three remaining photos of me from my handbag.

‘Thanks,’ she said taking them.

She selected two of them and returned the third to me.

‘You are very photogenic,’ she said inspecting the pictures. ‘There are many girls who would love to have your looks.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing slightly but beginning to enjoy such compliments.

Karen rang the Human Resources Department at Head Office and informed them of Tom’s resignation, saying that she would be forwarding his letter. At the same time she reminded them of their agreement to replace him with a part-time worker and requested their authority to go ahead and appoint Clare in his place.

‘Tom’s salary for January will be credited to his bank account by the end of the week, she said as she came off the phone. ‘They’re also happy for Clare to start work tomorrow morning, so let us now decide upon your new working hours.’

We were soon agreed. I’d begin at 10.00 and work through to 3.00pm, taking only thirty minutes for lunch, that way I could complete my required hours between Tuesday and Friday. That suited the job quite nicely as Mondays were always fairly quiet in the office and it would be useful to have me around to cover the lunch-times if Karen or Helen ever had to be away from the office. It also quite suited me as it meant that I would no longer be travelling during the rush hour and would also have the opportunity to get Suzanne settled for the day before I left for work.

‘If I ever need to take my friend for a hospital appointment, will it be possible for me to change these hours and make up the time?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course, that’s one of the advantages of the new arrangements, we can be fairly flexible on both sides as long as you complete the right number of hours each week,’ answered Karen.

‘I’ll start work at 10.00am tomorrow then.’

‘Yes please. Did you have cause to speak to anyone from Head Office last week?’

‘No I don’t think so. In fact I can’t remember dealing with anyone there since the beginning of December.’

‘Good! In that case I suggest that you should avoid answering the phone for the first couple of weeks just in case anyone thinks that they recognise your voice once you start introducing yourself as Clare. Nobody will expect the new girl to be contacting them straight away.’

‘That’s fine by me.’

‘I also suggest that you should now remove any trace of Tom’s former existence from your desk and take the rest of the day off. We can start you off as Clare with a clean sheet tomorrow morning.’

‘Yes, it certainly will be a clean break with the past,’ I replied.

‘Well it is what you want isn’t it?’

‘Yes, I believe so. Having to go part-time has rather forced my hand, but on reflection, I’m not unhappy about the way things have worked out for me.’

‘In that case, good luck with your new life.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure I will continue to enjoy working here and will do my best,’ I replied.

There wasn’t a lot of evidence of Tom’s former existence in his desk; he wasn’t the sort to make much of an impact on his surroundings, or bring his personal possessions to work. What there was from him was quickly deposited in the rubbish bin. From tomorrow it would be Clare’s desk and would be populated with her belongings in the same way that her colleagues seemed to do. As I was clearing my desk Helen arrived in the office, having been out somewhere. She came over to greet me.

‘So Clare is officially one of us now,’ she commented, smiling.

‘I guess so, I’ll be starting work again tomorrow.’

‘I wasn’t referring to you as a colleague; how does it feel to be a full-time woman?’

I shrugged.

‘Pretty good, but I’ve been living as Clare for nearly four weeks now and so am beginning to get used to it.’

‘I’ll expect that you’ll find there are both advantages and disadvantages to the change,’ she replied.

‘Yes, I know, but so far things have gone well, thanks.’

‘I’ve spoken to the others and we decided not to get Tom a farewell present, but rather to buy something for Clare,’ she said taking out a rather nice deep red orchid in a pot, from a shopping bag. She gave it to me, together with a large pink ‘Good Luck’ card.

Karen and Debbie came over to have a look, as she did so.

‘Thank you very much everyone, but there was really no need to get me anything,’

‘Maybe, but we thought we’d encourage you to brighten up your desk a little — it was almost as if Tom was afraid of bright colours,’ said Debbie smiling.

‘You may be right there. I’ll do my best to be a little more colourfull but it will require practice to learn what looks well together,’ I said smiling.

‘Between the three of us and your friend Suzanne we’ll soon have you sorted,’ said Debbie.

Once I’d arranged my card and plant on the desk, there was just one task remaining before I left for the day. I wanted to have a brief private chat with Debbie. Fortunately it was then almost coffee time and Debbie was due to hold the fort for ten minutes whilst the other two went out to the café next door, so I offered to hang on and keep her company.

‘So how did it go yesterday?’ I asked, once the others had left us.

‘How did what go?’ she responded in mock innocence.

‘Debbie you are no doubt going to want me to tell you about how I get on with Andy later on, so you had better start telling me how it went with Guy. Remember that I have so much to learn in this respect.’

She smiled.

‘Alright, since you put it like that, I suppose I’d better tell you. I think it went quite well, and he has promised to call me again,’ she said in an excited voice.

Over the next ten minutes she proceeded to tell me what they’d said and done together on Sunday and also how she felt about it. She did so in an open, confiding, manner that nobody had ever used with me before, so that I found myself empathizing with her excitements and uncertainties regarding her new friendship. This was another aspect of being a young woman that I hadn’t fully taken on board.

---

Before I left work I phoned Suzanne to tell her that I’d be home at lunchtime. She too was anxious to find out how I’d faired, and to know the details of my future working arrangements. I suggested that we went out together for a late lunch, but she didn’t feel well enough. I therefore made my way home and made us both some soup. Suzanne was tiring easily these days and so she had a nap after lunch.

Once I’d cleared up I used my free time on the Internet learning more about myself. I found that the more I read, the better I began to understand who I really was, and why I’d spent the first twenty years of my life living in a shell. It hadn’t been an uncomfortable life, but was certainly one lacking in colour, excitement and adventure, which suddenly now seemed to be on offer to me as Clare. I tried to make sense of the enormity of what had happened to me over the last seven weeks. I’d changed from being a shy and retiring boy without any social-life to a confident and attractive young lady who now had two part-time jobs and an extensive wardrobe. I also had two female friends to confide in and if necessary discuss my feelings and emotions with, something I’d never done in my life before.

I woke Suzanne at six, to give her some tea and then we stayed in together watching TV for the evening until I helped her to get ready for bed. It was nearly midnight when I sat at my dressing table in my nightdress brushing my hair. As I did so I reviewed the events of the day. Looking after Suzanne would inevitably restrict my social life to some degree, but far less than living as Tom would have done. In any event, she was quite good company and had been adamant that she did not expect me to stay in with her every night. Since I’d now come to terms with the idea of living as a woman in most other respects, why shouldn’t I also have a boyfriend? The idea simultaneously attracted and repelled me. I pictured myself getting ready and going on a date: what I’d wear and how I’d react when we went out together. This in turn led me to wondering what I was going to say to Andy when he phoned the next day — if, of course, he did choose to phone after my rather luke-warm response to our first meeting.

---

Things went very smoothly the next day. Suzanne was soon settled and I actually had time to think about what I was going to wear. I’d also now got the process of getting myself ready - putting on makeup and doing my hair — down to a fine art. I arrived in the office at 10.00am on the Tuesday having had a far more leisurely and less crowded journey in to work than usual. For once I had a seat all the way and was able to read the fashion magazine loaned to me by Suzanne. I even stopped to buy a couple of my own plants as well to keep the orchid company.

As soon as I’d arrived and changed out of my winter coat and boots and put on some heels, Karen came over to my desk and handed me a new identity badge and a plastic sign for my desk, both in my new name, together with a desk diary for the New Year.

‘That was quick work,’ I commented.

‘Well I like to get organised,’ she answered. ‘Now remember Clare, for the next couple of weeks you’re the new girl around here so let the three of us answer the phones for the first few days. When you do begin to answer them and it is someone from Head Office, act a little dumb and ask a few basic questions so as not to give rise to any suspicions.’

‘They’ll think I’m a complete idiot,’ I said.

‘It is only for a week or two, then you can go back to being your normal efficient self.’

The disruption caused by my resignation and re-employment under a new name was now over and my three colleagues henceforth accepted me as one of themselves. No further reference was made to my former life or identity. In the event, I had more than enough to do in catching up with paperwork without answering the office phones. In fact the only phone call I answered that morning was one on my own mobile.

‘Hi Clare, it’s Andy. If you remember, you suggested that I should call you this morning. Maybe we could meet up and have lunch together?’ he asked.

He actually sounded nervous; very much the way I felt.

‘No I’m afraid not Andy. I’m only taking half an hour and I’ll be covering for my colleagues for most of the lunch period, but I’m glad you phoned and would like to have a talk with you sometime soon. I could be free any time after about 3.30 pm this afternoon,’ I answered.

‘Will it be good news or bad news?’ he asked.

‘I hope it won’t be bad news,’ I replied laughing. ‘There are just a few points of clarification I need to make with you first.’

‘Oh dear, that sounds a little ominous, but we’d better get it over with. I suppose that I could pop out from work for an hour this afternoon. There is a cafe that I use close to St Paul’s tube station, why don’t we have tea together there at 4.00 pm?’

‘That would be nice, if you can spare the time,’ I replied.

‘Anything for you, my lady,’ he said with mock courtesy.

‘I’ll look forward to it, kind sir,’ I replied smiling.

---

Andy and I met, as arranged. The café that was close to his work, but also quite convenient for my journey home on the Central Line. We greeted one another a little shyly, and sat down at a secluded table. When the waitress came I ordered a tea but turned down the offer of a cake.

‘So what did you want to say to me?’ he asked once our drinks had arrived.

I related to him the events of the five momentous days since we’d last met, including the fact that I was now working part-time but had agreed to remain living as Clare whilst looking after Suzanne. He listened intently as I told my story, but didn’t appear to be particularly surprised by any of the events. It was almost as if my change of gender was nothing out of the ordinary.

‘So what are these ‘points of clarification’ that you need to make?’ he asked when I finished.

‘Andy; I should be happy to go out with you, if you want me to, but only on the understanding that you always treat me as a woman and never make any reference to my past gender.’

‘Yes of course,’ he answered sounding quite surprised that I should have asked. ‘I’ve only ever thought of you as a young woman, and have no interest in your past or wish to think of you in any other way,’ he said gently touching my hand for a moment as he did so.

I felt a brief sensation of pleasure as we touched one another, and my cheeks coloured a little. He then seemed to become self-conscious and moved his hand away. I felt a dash of regret as he did so.

‘Also, if I’m to continue dressing like this it’ll be quite expensive and I can’t keep relying on Suzanne all the time. I’m only now working part-time, so I’d better warn you that I’ll not always be able to afford to pay my share when we go out together.’

‘Look Clare, if I ask you to go out with me then I’ll expect to pay; your responsibility is just to look beautiful,’ he answered.

I blushed, but was quite pleased with his answer.

‘In that case, I’ll be happy to go out with you sometime, if you ask me nicely.’

He smiled and seemed genuinely happy.

‘Clare, would you like to go out for dinner this coming Saturday night, and then perhaps we could go on to a nightclub afterwards?’

‘That’ll be nice,’ I answered. ‘I’ll need to make arrangements to make sure that Suzanne is alright, but it should be alright.’

‘Great,’ he said continuing to look really pleased with himself.

We finished our teas and then he walked with me to the tube station, before returning to his work. As we walked along the pavement our hands brushed against one another. I made no attempt to move away, and so he took my hand. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze in acknowledgment.

‘Where shall we meet on Saturday?’ he asked, as I was about to go in to the station.

‘You know where I live. Would you be able to come round to collect me at my place at about 8.00pm? ’ I suggested. ‘Then you’ll be able to meet my flatmate Suzanne before we go out?

‘Yes, of course, I should like that.’

We were about to go our separate ways when I turned to him.

‘Andy, thank you for being patient with me,’ I said kissing him on the cheek.

‘I hope it’ll have been worth it,’ he replied and then kissed me on the lips.

As he did so, I opened my lips to let his tongue come inside my mouth and allowed my body to be drawn closer to his. I could feel the shape of his erect penis under his clothes but was also conscious of the beginnings of a similar reaction from my own, which was fortunately tucked out of the way between my legs. Not sure how to react, I pulled away and muttered goodbye, with a promise to meet on Saturday evening, before disappearing into the tube station.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 23

Discoveries

After leaving Andy at the entrance to St Paul’s tube station, I travelled home in a state of shock, trying to make sense of what I’d just done and of what I was now feeling about myself. I could hardly believe that I’d just shared a long lingering kiss with a man and enjoyed every moment. What is more, I‘d been aware of his penis growing in his trousers as we did so and took pleasure in the realization that this had been due to his feelings towards me. It had even entered my mind to take hold of the offending organ and stroke it, although this would have been highly inappropriate to do in the street just as the rush hour was beginning. What had happened to me? What had I become?

As Tom, I’d never thought of myself as being either gay or heterosexual, but rather as someone for whom sex was not particularly significant. I’d always enjoyed female companionship and had always found girls to be more interesting to talk to than guys, but I’d never thought of either group as sexual partners before. I’d never been out on a date nor did I entertain any fantasies about sleeping with anyone. But things had changed dramatically for me, without my being fully aware of how much. Tom, my former self, was no longer around nor likely to be for many months. I was Clare now, a different person, who enjoyed dressing in smart clothes and wearing makeup. I was a young woman who chose to wear high heels at work even though they made my calves ache, because they also made my legs look so much better. I was someone who had blushed when she received a wolf-whistle from one of the motorcycle messengers that came to the office, but was also pleased to have been noticed, all the same. So why shouldn’t Clare kiss a guy and let herself imagine what it would be like to be engulfed in his arms?

But was this the real me, or was it merely a passing phase on the route to self-discovery? I wasn’t sure. Where did my current feelings about myself leave Tom? Did he have any future or had things now changed forever? If I’d asked myself that question the week before, I’d have known the answer, but now I was no longer sure. Perhaps I was always meant to be a woman and this was how I would live my life? But if this were the case why had I only just begun to recognise it?

My mind was in a state of uncertainty, but I’d undertaken to stay living as Clare for the next few months, and both my job and my living accommodation depended upon that fact. So I would certainly continue to do so, but whilst that was happening I also determined to discover everything that I could about my new way of life. It was with these thoughts in my mind that I made my way back to the flat and let myself in.

‘Hi Suzanne, I’m sorry I’m late,’ I said as I took off my winter coat and boots.’

‘That’s alright, Clare, was the Central Line closed again?’

Anyone commuting regularly in Central London would recognise this as an occupational hazard since the whole underground system is chronically overcrowded as well as being the target for suicides who wish to inconvenience as many people as possible on their way out, not to mention those wishing to blow up western civilization.

‘No, nothing like that, I was invited to go for afternoon tea. Perhaps I should have rung to warn you.’

‘You only needed to ring if you were going to miss dinner. You don’t need to account to me for every moment of your day. I could have rung you if I was worried.’

I could see that she was intrigued to know who had asked me out, but was not going to ask. I felt sorry that she was now pretty much housebound without my help and that I was now one of her few contacts with the outside world.

‘I was invited to have tea by Debbie’s friend Andy, the guy I met at her party.’

‘Oh yes, the one you went out with for a drink last week, where I warned you not to play hard to get.’

‘That’s right.’

‘And?’

‘Well he offered me a cake as well, but I wasn’t feeling hungry.’

‘I don’t need to know what you ate and drank; what did you say to one another.’

Suzanne and I hadn’t really discussed my friendship with Andy in any great detail. The day after we’d last spoken on the subject there had been the news about my job and various decisions to make about my future and so any further discussion about boyfriends was overtaken by events. Andy’s name had briefly come up in our conversation when Debbie came over on Saturday evening, but I’d not taken the bait as I was by no means sure that he would ring me again. I didn’t share some details with her, after all she was pretty much housebound now without my help. However, I wasn’t going to go into any detail about our final kiss as I still needed some time to make sense of my own feelings about the incident, and in some respects this was a topic which I might better discuss with Debbie in the first instance.

‘We didn’t say too much. I told him that I’ll be living as Clare for the foreseeable future and he has asked me to go out with him on Saturday evening.’

‘It sounds as if things are beginning to get a little more serious between you.’

‘I wouldn’t say that; we’re just trying to get to know one another a little better,’ I replied.

‘So what’s he like?’

‘OK, I suppose. He’s intelligent and quite good looking but also a little geeky and unsure of himself. I don’t think he has had lots of girlfriends but I do get the impression that he is kind.’

‘It sounds as if he needs a good woman to take him in hand.’

I blushed a little but didn’t say anything, so Suzanne continued with her questions.

‘I trust you said yes.’

‘So you wouldn’t mind if I went out with him then?’

‘Of course I don’t mind, it will be good for you to go out rather than being stuck here with me every evening. I want you to have a life, even if my own will soon be coming to a close.’

‘Please don’t keep saying that, Suzanne, it makes me feel awful.’

‘There’s no point in my refusing to face the obvious.’

‘Perhaps not, but do you need to dwell upon it?’

‘Sorry Clare, perhaps you’re right. I do spend too much time thinking about my future, or lack of it. So let’s return to discussing you and Andy. It will be nice to hear how you get on together. When do I get the chance to meet him?’

He’s coming to collect me on Saturday evening so I’ll introduce you, and you’ll have the opportunity of making your own judgment.’

‘Good! Now remember what I told you last week. Don’t make things too hard for him, he may need some encouragement or re-assurance on your part.’

‘I’ll just have to play it by ear. I haven’t had much experience going out on dates before.’

‘Just follow your instincts, and you should be ok.’

This conversation took place as we were preparing our dinner together, and the conversation then moved on to other topics, but returned to Andy and my forthcoming date after we finished eating.

‘So have you decided what you are going to wear for your date yet?’ Suzanne asked.

‘No, not really.’

‘Clare, it is important for a girl to look and feel her best on her first date. It will give you more confidence.’

I noticed that over the last few days Suzanne had begun referring to me as a girl or a woman without giving the matter any second thought. This pleased me.

‘Why don’t we have a look through your wardrobe this evening, and decide what you should wear on Saturday evening and whether there will anything that you will need to buy.’

‘Alright, thanks Suzanne, I should like that,’ I replied, pleased to have her advice.

After trying on a couple of outfits we eventually settled on a purple polyester and cotton drape dress which she had given me. It was fully lined and had a semi-transparent crepe overskirt, and an elegant embroidered waistband. The dress was comfortable to wear but also looked and felt quite feminine. The neckline showed off just a hint of my cleavage without giving away the fact that my boobs were not the real thing.

‘That colouring suits you and I’m fairly sure I’ve some lipstick and nail varnish to match. We’ll also need to find you a pendant with a stone to match and also perhaps some large hooped earrings to frame your face,’ commented Suzanne.

‘I’m still learning what looks good on me, so I’ll have to trust your judgment,’ I said.

‘You are quite lucky, most colours seem to look good on you.’

‘What colour eye shadow should I wear?’

‘We’ll have to experiment. If I’m feeling well enough on Saturday afternoon I’ll help you to get yourself ready and do your hair.’

I was quite capable of doing my own hair and makeup, but Suzanne had done it professionally and had a better eye for colour combinations than I did.

‘Thanks, I’ll know that I will look good if I have your help.’

‘By the way, how are your hair extensions these days?’

‘They’ve been attached for four weeks now but still feel fairly secure. According to the hairdresser they should be good for a couple more weeks, but I suppose I ought to make an appointment soon,’ I said.

‘Good, is there anything else that will need to be taken care of before Saturday?’

‘I wish there was some way that I could keep my penis tucked out of the way, there are times when it could become embarrassing.’

‘You mean if he kisses you.’

I blushed, remembering what had happened two hours before.

‘You could always have one of my valium if you wish; I’m sure that would stop you from getting too excited, but of course it may take away some of the pleasure at the same time.’

‘I’ll look up the options on the internet and in the meanwhile I’ll have to try and find a way of keeping my penis tucked safely between my legs next time I go out with Andy.

‘Would you like my help?’ she asked

‘Won’t you find it embarrassing?’

‘Not really. You’ve had to do some very personal things for me in the past. It will be like helping my friend to look her best to go on a date.

‘In that case I would appreciate your help to get myself ready.’

‘So that just leaves us to sort you out some shoes.’

‘What do you recommend?’

‘I don’t really have anything suitable to loan you. You will need to wear some high heels with that dress, maybe you could go out on Saturday morning and buy some.’

‘To be honest Suzanne, I would rather not spend too much money on clothes at the moment, at least until my insurance claim is paid.’

‘Yes of course, how about those white strappy sandals that you wore to Debbie’s party, they would look alright and then you’ll also have a handbag to match.’

‘Won’t the heels be too high if he’s going to take me dancing afterwards?’

‘I thought you told me that you’d been wearing heels at work each day.’

‘I have and don’t have too much trouble walking in them, but I’ve never tried dancing in heels before.’

‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you there, but why not see whether Debbie can come round one evening to give you some guidance?’

‘Alright I’ll see whether she is going to be free one evening later this week.’

---

That night I lay in my bed for two hours or more before I fell asleep. I was thinking about my tea with Andy, and looking forward to our date on Saturday. I was trying to picture how I would feel, and what I would say. I then moved on to the other deeper topics which had worried me on my way home - exactly who I was, and how did I wish to spend the rest of my life.

---

As soon as I got in to work on Wednesday Debbie came over to my desk and wanted to know how I’d got on with Andy the previous afternoon.

‘OK I suppose, we had tea together and a chat’ I replied non-commitally.

‘Yes, I know that, but what was the outcome?’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently.

‘Come on Clare, stop teasing me. Are you going to go out with him or not?’ she demanded.

I looked over to Karen’s desk where she was discussing something with Helen and not listening to us.

‘We’re planning to have dinner together on Saturday night and then go on to a night club,’ I answered quietly.

‘Good for you Clare,’ said Debbie smiling. ‘I hope things work out alright for you both.’

‘I’ll tell you more about it at lunchtime.’

‘Good, I’ll want to hear all the details.’

Fortunately both Karen and Helen had appointments to see clients on the other side of London, and so Debbie and I were left alone in the office. It was raining outside and so Debbie and I ate sandwiches bought from the café next door, and it provided a good opportunity for me to have a private chat with Debbie where I related the whole story, including our parting kiss.

‘So how did it feel when he kissed you?’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure, what to say. It was a great feeling at first, but then I started to become a little bit alarmed by some of the thoughts that were going through my head.’

‘What sort of thoughts? Were you thinking about the possibility of having sex with him?’

I blushed at the thought.

‘I don’t know, we’ll have to see how it goes,’ I answered. ‘It is something I’d never really thought about before, but I must admit that it felt wonderful when he started to kiss me. It just felt so right somehow.’

‘Be careful, Clare; take your time and don’t get carried away,’ she answered. ‘Every girl tends to feel like that when she first meets a new guy, but those feelings don’t always last.’

‘So you think of me as a girl then?’

‘Yes, of course I do, it is several weeks now since I have thought of you as anything else, but you are lacking in experience, particularly with respect to affairs of the heart and so you should take care.’

‘I realise that. I don’t think that I have fallen madly in love with Andy, so much as crossed a threshold in my own mind. Yesterday afternoon when I was in his arms, I felt like a real woman for the first time and not just like someone pretending to be one. I felt that this was the real me, and was how I was supposed to be.’

‘Was that a good feeling?’

‘In some respects it was a wonderful feeling, but also quite frightening as well. For the first time I have thought about the possibility of spending the rest of my life as Clare, and having once entertained that thought I can’t seem to get the idea out of my mind.’

‘What exactly are you saying?’

‘That I have felt so much more content since I have started to live as Clare, so much more so than I ever did as Tom, and I don’t see that ever changing.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘As sure as I can be, and given that discovery perhaps I should now start investigating what would be involved in my changing my gender on a permanent basis, with the help of female hormones, and perhaps one day undergoing surgery. I would also need to inform my father what was going on.‘

‘Do you really mean that?’ Debbie asked looking at me intently.

‘Yes, I think I do. I’ve been reading about possible options recently and have thought about little else. I think that the time has come for me to seek referral to a Gender Dysphoria clinic.’

‘What you are considering would be very drastic and there would be no going back.’

‘I know, but I have been reading accounts of other people my age who were unhappy with their bodies and who subsequently found contentment and fulfillment by changing their gender.’

‘You must do whatever is right for you, Clare, but please take your time and don’t do anything rash,’ she said earnestly.

‘Don’t worry, it isn’t the sort of thing that anyone can just decide to do, off-the-cuff, unless of course they have the money to go abroad to have it done. I’m broke, and so I’ll just have to wait in line with everyone else, but I do intend to seek advice on my future.

‘Have you told Suzanne how you feel?’

‘No, not yet, she has enough to worry about with her own deteriorating condition, without me adding to her troubles.’

‘I think you should tell her, particularly if you are intending to seek therapy. It will hardly come as a great surprise to her given the way that you have slotted so well into your new identity.’

‘Perhaps you’re right. To be honest, I hadn’t even intended to discuss it with you today. It just slipped out.’

‘I am glad you have told me.’

We then moved on to other matters and Debbie agreed to come to dinner with Suzanne and myself on Friday evening and give me a lesson in how to dance in high heels without breaking my ankle.

‘Before I come, I really think you should tell Suzanne what you have just told me, so we can discuss your future openly together.’

‘Alright, I’ll tell her tonight.'

And as soon as I've done so I'll make an appointment for Tom at my local surgery to see one of the doctors for a referral. The receptionist will probably be surprised when I turn up dressed as Clare,’ I thought to myself. 'But there is no way that I'm ever going to go back to pretending that I was someone I wasn't.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 24

The wheel begins to turn

‘This is a sudden development,’ said Suzanne to me later that evening as I related to her the details of my conversation with Debbie. ‘Yesterday we were talking about you going on a first date, and now you tell me that you want to become a woman for evermore.’

‘I know, it wasn’t that I wanted to keep any secrets from you. Last night I was still struggling to prevent certain thoughts from coming in to my head. It was as if my mind was frightened of the implications of what my soul was aching for. Once I allowed myself to think the unthinkable, it suddently opened the flood gates, and I knew that I would never go back to living or thinking as Tom ever again.’

‘So when did all this happen.’

‘I allowed myself to consider the possibility of permanent transition to Clare in bed last night, and then found that I couldn’t sleep for ages because of the excitement of the idea. The more I thought about it the more certain I became that it was the right course of action for me in spite of all the difficulties involved. I wasn’t planning on saying anything to anyone for a week or so, but once I started to talk to Debbie at work today, I found that I just couldn’t stop myself from telling her what was going on in my head. Then I realised that I would have to tell you as well.’

‘So, this has got nothing to do with meeting Andy and your date on Saturday.’

‘I’m not sure; it may have been a catalyst. When I kissed him, it made me realise how much I wanted to live, and act and think as a woman - not just for a few weeks - but for the rest of my life. However, I want to make it clear that I’m doing this for myself, not for Andy or anyone else. I just want to become the real me.’

‘You didn’t mention to me that you’d kissed him,’ said Suzanne, smiling. ‘So that is why you were so late home.’

I blushed.

‘I know, I was still trying to make sense of what I was feeling when I spoke to you. It is not so much a question of being madly in love with Andy, so much as recognizing that this was who I really was.

Suzanne didn’t seem totally surprised by my revelation.

‘Ever since the first time I met Tom I noticed that there was something in his character that was not quite right, like a jigsaw piece that didn’t quite fit. It was as if Tom’s soul was not comfortable within his body. That may have been the reason why I encouraged you to become Clare in the first place, although I do admit that it was useful to have you stand in as my cousin at my dinner party.’

I smiled at the recollection of that evening.

‘Yes, I enjoyed myself that evening, once I’d got over my nerves.’

‘That was obvious, and the next day as well. As I got to know Clare, all trace of that awkwardness on your part seemed to disappear. I therefore suspected that you might eventually come to this decision, although I admit that I wasn’t expecting you to do so quite so quickly. After all, it was only a few weeks ago that you were arguing against going to the hairdressers with me.’

‘I know. I so wanted to go and have my hair done, and also to spend the whole of the Christmas holiday living as Clare, but I was also frightened about what it all meant.’

‘Debbie and I had both recognized that and had discussed how far we should encourage you to go ahead and embrace Clare, but in the end it had to be your own decision.’

‘Thank you, I see that now and I’m glad that you did encourage me. I am also pleased about the fire in my flat. It is almost as if things were meant to happen in this way.’

‘I am only pleased that I have been around to see you take the first few steps on your journey to becoming a woman. Does this mean that you are going to retain Clare’s identity, after I die?’

‘Yes I suppose it does. I realise it is illegal but I cannot see that anyone is going to find out.’

‘I’m glad about that since my will already names Clare Simpson as my executor, and also as one of a number of beneficiaries, and so I’m glad that I won’t now need to change things.’

‘You don’t need to leave anything to me Suzanne; you have done enough for me as it is.’

‘I promised to make it worth your while if you stayed with me and looked after me until the end and I intend to keep that promise.’

‘In that case, thank you, and of course I hope it won’t be for a long time.’

‘We’ll see, but I am finding that I am a little bit weaker every day.’

There was an awkward silence, so Suzanne decided to change the subject.

‘So, what are the implications of your decision to become Clare permanently?’

‘I suppose the first thing I need to do is to consult my local doctor and get a letter of referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Once I’ve been formally accepted as a patient, I can then begin the process of transition to become a woman, both medically and also legally.’

‘What does that involve?’

‘I’ve been researching the subject on the Internet. I will have to satisfy them that I am both psychologically and physically capable of living successfully in my new gender role.’

‘I can’t see that creating any difficulties for you. There is no question that you look and act the part quite naturally. My two friends never questioned your gender, and I’ve never noticed anyone else do so on those occasions we’ve been out together.’

‘As I’ve lived as Clare since mid-December and been to work as a woman the beginning of this month, I’m hoping that the doctors will accept this as a part of the qualifying period.’

‘How long is the qualifying period?’

‘I would normally need to live for three months as a woman before I can qualify for hormone therapy, and at least twelve months before I could be considered as a candidate for surgery.’

‘So do you intend to go all the way?’ asked Suzanne.

‘There is no point in taking half measures. If I’m going to live as Clare I would want to do so in every respect that I possibly can. However, to be realistic, genital surgery is likely to be very expensive. There is no way that I could pay for it myself and so inevitably there will be a long waiting list.‘

‘What will you say to your father?’ she asked.

‘That’s going to be a problem. He thinks that I’m about to leave to travel to the USA. I suppose I could wait until it is all over before telling him, but now that I’m certain about my future, I think that I need to tell him as soon as possible after I’ve been officially diagnosed as gender dysphoric.’

‘Are you going to say anything to Andy?

‘I don’t think that I need to say anything to him at present, I’ll just see how we get on together over the next week or so, and then perhaps tell him at a later date if it seems appropriate.’

‘Well, good luck, Clare. What you are embarking upon is a very serious matter which will need a lot of thought. There can be no going back.’

‘I realise that.’

‘I suspect that it will be the right thing for you, but it is your body and your life and it can only be your decision.’

‘Thanks, Suzanne. I have taken a long time to come to the decision but now feel quite confident. I’ll try and arrange an appointment with my doctor either tomorrow or Friday afternoon, after work, to set things in motion.

---

I telephoned my GP practice from work the following morning and asked whether I might make an appointment to see one of the women doctors as soon as possible. They offered me an appointment the following afternoon. I quickly checked with Karen that it would be ok for me to arrive at work early and work through my lunch break on that day, and then accepted.

‘What is your name, address and date of birth?’ asked the receptionist.

‘My name is Thomas Evans and I was born 14 April 1986,’ I replied and proceeded to give her my new address.

‘There is something which you and the doctor need to know.’

‘What is that?’

‘I am living as a woman full-time and use the name Clare Simpson, which is the name that I will give when I arrive at the surgery tomorrow afternoon. It will be confusing and also a little embarrassing if you start to address me as Tom Evans.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll put a note on your file and also warn the doctor,’ she said, as if it were nothing particularly unusual.

‘Thank you; that will be helpful.’

For some reason I always assume that things will be more problematic than they turn out to be.

Karen and Helen did not ask me about my doctor’s appointment, but I felt sure that they would quiz Debbie on the subject at the first available opportunity. Debbie, who realised the reason why I needed to consult a doctor, had agreed to pretend ignorance for the time being. It was not that I intended to keep my intentions a secret, but wanted everything in place before I started announcing them to all my colleagues, and also my father.

---

Although I’d been registered with the GP practice ever since I’d come to London, which was more than nine months ago, I hadn’t had any cause to use their services nor meet any of the doctors before this time. I gave my name to the receptionist and had to wait for a few minutes before I was called to see Dr. Andrews, who was a smart looking woman in her late thirties. As I entered her consulting room, I could see that she was reading a typed note that had been clipped to my medical file. She turned to me, smiled, and invited me to sit down.

‘So what can I do for you, young lady,’ she began.

I had been rehearsing in my mind what I would say all that morning.

‘I was born as Tom Evans, a male, but now live and work as Clare Simpson, a female, and I intend to stay that way for the rest of my life. I realise that I’ll never be able to change my genetic sex, but in my mind I have always been a woman and I now need your help to enable me to begin the process of changing my gender.’

‘How long have you been living as a female?’

‘I have been living as Clare, full-time, since early December and have also been going to work as Clare ever since we returned from the Christmas Holidays. But I did cross-dress and go out shopping as a woman at weekends before this.’

‘For how long have you felt the wish to live as a female?’

‘I believe I have always known that I was not the same as other boys, but I tried to hide that from myself and pretend that once I grew up and left home my feelings would change — only they didn’t do so. Then, once I had the opportunity to spend some time as a woman I realised that this was who I really was and how I was always meant to be.’

I deliberately kept things a little vague.

‘But when did you begin to dress as a woman at weekends?’

‘Nine months ago when I came up to London,’ I lied, thinking that if I admitted that it was only mid-November I would lack credibility. ‘Before that it was not really practicable for me to do so at home as my mother had a prolonged terminal illness. Prior to that I always assumed that one day I would grow out of these feelings, only now that I am twenty and away from home the feelings have just got stronger.’

‘I see,’ said Doctor Andrews, beginning to make notes on her computer screen.

‘It is only during the last few weeks that I have been able to live as Clare full-time, and I have never before felt so happy and contented with my life,’ I added.

‘Have you experienced any difficulties with your accommodation or your work since you started to dress as a woman.’

‘Not really, I have left my original bedsit and am now sharing a flat with a woman on the understanding that I do so as Clare, and that is working out fine. My boss also accepts me as Clare, and as soon as I have a formal diagnosis, I will seek to obtain a new National Insurance number and regularize my legal position.’

‘How about your colleagues at work?’

‘They all accept me as Clare.’

‘Good! Do you have a boyfriend,’ she asked.

‘I am quite friendly with a guy, who knows about my past life, but we have never had sex. My wish to become a woman does not come from any wish to improve my sex life, so much as becoming the person I really am.’

‘So, what are you looking for from me?’

‘I hope you will be prepared to prescribe some testosterone blockers for me and also to refer me to a gender identity clinic where I may begin the process of changing my gender.’

‘You appear to be well versed in the procedures involved.’

‘Yes, I have been reading about nothing else for the last few weeks. I believe that I am suffering from gender dysphoria and that it would be in my interests to live the remainder of my life as a woman.’

‘That will be for others with more training than either you or I to decide, but I must say that you do present to me as a very convincing young woman. From what you have told me today, I would be willing to refer you on to a clinic specializing in this condition.

‘Thank you Doctor.’

‘I will write to them today and they will be in touch and offer you an appointment in due course. You should realise that the course of action you are embarking upon will be prolonged and with no certain outcome.’

‘Yes, I know that Doctor, thank you very much.’

‘I am also prepared to prescribe you with a course of Aldactone, which is an anti-androgen, since the effects of its short-term use would be reversible. This will prevent the testosterone in your body from making you any more masculine in your appearance. However, it will be for my colleagues to decide whether or not you are a suitable recipient of hormone replacement therapy.’

She handed me the prescription.

‘Once you start to take these tablets you will become sexually dysfunctional, as a man, but this will end if you stop taking them. If you continue taking them over a prolonged period this loss of function could become permanent.’

‘I realise that Doctor, and understand the implications of what I am doing.’

‘In that case, Clare, I hope you are eventually able to find contentment in your new life.’

I left the surgery feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took the prescription to a pharmacist and came away with a two-month’ supply of pills, and had taken the first one before I left the shop.

---

I told Suzanne and Debbie about my consultation over dinner later that evening. They both seemed to be very pleased for me.

‘It may be a week or two before I hear any more but at least the wheels have now begun to turn. Assuming they accept me as a patient, I will have to find a way to tell my father.

‘Of course they will accept you, I cannot imagine that they have any other patient who is more obviously a woman in the wrong body than you are,’ said Debbie.

‘Thank you,’ I replied.

‘I’m not being nice; I am simply stating the truth as I see it.’

‘So you think I am doing the right thing, Debbie.’

‘In the end only you and your therapist can say that, but I certainly think you are doing the right thing in going to see one.’

‘I’ve also now got a supply of pills to stop me from becoming any more of a man,’ I said.

‘You never were very masculine in your appearance,’ said Debbie.

‘I know, but at least my own penis won’t now struggle when I go out with Andy tomorrow.’

‘I have been looking up how female impersonators cope with their dangly bits. I think I know what to do, but am not sure that I am as physically capable as I once was,’ said Suzanne. ‘Would you be willing to help me deal with Clare’s little problem, Debbie?’

‘I don’t see why not, I think we both owe it to her to help her look as presentable as possible tomorrow.’

I sat on the edge of my bed and then lay back and closed my eyes whilst my two friends gently eased my testes into my body cavity, allowing my penis to be pulled back between my legs and wrapped in the empty scrotal sack. The arrangement was then held in place with medical adhesive tape. When I sat up, my penis and scrotum were entirely hidden from my view. Only the tip remained uncovered.

‘Thank you, both,’ I said. ‘That doesn’t feel too bad.’

‘You had better make sure that you can still pee,’ suggested Suzanne. ‘You’ll have to do so from the seated position from now onwards.’

‘I’ve been in the habit of doing so ever since I became Clare,’ I replied.

A minute or so later I emerged from the toilet confirming that all was ok with the new plumbing arrangements.

‘You will need to remove and replace the tape from time to time to keep yourself clean, and it’ll be uncomfortable when you do so,’ said Suzanne, but with practice you should be able to do this for yourself.

‘It will be worth all the trouble to look and feel more like a woman,’ I said.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 25

An unproductive date

Debbie, Suzanne and I had a good time together again on Friday evening. I was glad that both of my friends were now aware of my intentions and appeared to be supportive of my decision. Also, once I’d gotten over the embarrassment, I was pleased that they’d both assisted me in disguising the last vestiges of Tom Evans, (at least until such time as they might be removed altogether). That rather personal action helped form a bond between us, just as my helping Suzanne with her washing and dressing did so.

To date I’d found that Clare’s interactions with her female friends and colleagues to have been surprisingly easy, but now I would have to see how she got on with members of the opposite sex and find out how they would react to her. My initial conversations with Andy had been quite positive, but things seemed to be moving to a different, more serious stage and I wasn’t quite sure what I felt about it. Then there was the difficult issue of how my father would react when he finally discovered about Clare. I realised that I would have to tell him, but when and how? Would it be best to do so be in person, by letter or over the telephone? I really missed my mother as I felt sure that I would have been able to tell her, and then perhaps she could have broken the news to him. However this was not a matter of great urgency, as he was under the impression that I would be leaving for the United States in a few days.

Debbie didn’t stay very late on Friday, as like me, she was due to have a date with her ‘Guy’ the following evening and wanted to have a reasonably early night. Maybe one day we could go out together as a foursome, I thought, but didn’t say anything as this would inevitably leave Suzanne out of the conversation. I felt so sorry for her; she should be going out on dates with guys, not sitting in a wheelchair at home, waiting to die. Life could be so unfair.

‘So what are your plans for tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne as I helped her to get ready for bed.

‘I’ll need to do our household shopping in the morning and maybe you can help me to get ready in the afternoon.’

‘Yes I’d like to do that,’ she replied.

Before going to bed, I removed my breasts once again, cleaned them and my skin and checked that they had been causing no irritation to my skin. I decided leave them off for the night, and perhaps just insert them in my bra in the morning, leaving it until I was getting myself ready to go out before fixing them properly once again.

---

Suzanne was a regular customer of the Marks and Spencer, ‘Simply Food’ range, which tended to be more expensive than many other supermarkets but was always good quality. We usually used the shop in Notting Hill Gate, but on that Saturday I decided to have a change and went instead to the larger store on Kensington High Street, where they also sold clothes. I was still trying to make sense in mind of the changes that had taken place in my life over the last few weeks, and what I’d told Suzanne and Debbie. Whilst I was there, I had a look round the ladies’ fashions. It was nice to look at what was available and I even toyed with the idea of trying on a dress that I liked, and felt would probably look good on me, but I wasn’t in a position to spend much money on myself until my insurance claim was settled. In any event, I would need to save money to finance my transition so I would have to make do with what I had for the time being. However, it was nice to be able to do look round the lingerie department without worrying what people might be thinking about me. In the end I decided to treat myself to a new bra and pair of knickers. After all, a girl can never have too much underwear.

---

I returned to the flat and prepared lunch for us both.

‘Ok, Clare, the time has come for you to experience one of the pleasures of being a young woman,’ said Suzanne, ‘that of getting yourself ready to go out on a date.’

‘Really,’ I said.

‘Yes you’ll find that it is both a physical and mental process. You have to take time over small details of your appearance, knowing that at the end you will not only look your best but, more significantly, you will feel good about yourself and confident when you go out tonight.’

‘I need to glue on my boobs once again, but what else needs to be done?’ I asked.

‘You can do that after you’ve had a shower. Begin by de-fuzzing your legs, arms, armpits and face and then you can hop in the shower to remove the depilatory cream.’

I followed her instructions, and, as I did so, I did my best to keep the water away from the tape holding me in place down below. I would need to learn how to deal with this by myself in future, but for the time being it was still securely in place. Suzanne and Debbie had made a neat job and I had plenty of other things to worry about.

‘If you wash your hair, I’ll help you to put it in rollers afterwards,’ she said whilst I was in the shower.

I emerged from the shower, dressed in a bathrobe, and started to dry my hair. Suzanne helped me to stick on my breast forms once again and disguise the joins.

‘I feel happier having my breasts stuck down, particularly since I’ll be wearing that dress, otherwise I would be worrying that the joins might be visible.’

‘You should have no difficulty now,’ she said and then began to brush my hair and put in rollers for me.

‘That’s nice, thank you very much.’

‘How would you feel about a facial?’ she asked. ‘I think you have enough time.’

‘I feel guilty letting you do all this for me and then my going out tonight, Suzanne; it is me who should be looking after you.’

‘Don’t worry, Clare, I’m enjoying myself.’

‘But how will you manage tonight?’ I asked.

‘I’ll be fine. You have already helped me to have my shower this morning, and there are the remains of last night’s dinner in the fridge for me to eat later. Perhaps you can help me to change into my nightclothes just before you go out, but I should be able to get myself in to bed. You go out and have a great time tonight and forget about me.’

‘Alright, if you’re sure that it is alright.’

Once she finished with my hair she spread the cream on my face, whilst I lay back and luxuriated in the experience.

‘You will need to keep still for half an hour whilst I tidy up your nails and change the colour of your nail varnish to match the dress that you’ll be wearing.’

Suzanne was right; it was one of the pleasures of being a young woman to be pampered in this way. I began to realise why beauty salons were so successful, and why women were prepared to spend as much money as they did on cosmetics and other beauty products. When the time came to put on my makeup, my friend sat with me and advised me what colours to use and how to apply them most effectively, but left me to do the work myself. I was glad to do so as these days I was becoming quite proud of my skills in using cosmetics.

Eventually I was ready. My hair and makeup were both complete to our mutual satisfaction; I’d inserted a pair of hooped earrings in to my ears and put on a necklet, and then stepped in to my dress and put on the sandals. A few squirts of perfume finished the job. I stood in front of the long mirror in my room.

‘What do you think Suzanne?’ I asked tentatively.

‘More to the point, what do you think?’ she replied.

‘Well I certainly feel good.’

‘Yes, I can see that, and how do you think you look?’

‘I guess I look pretty good as well,’ I replied, blushing a little as I did so.

‘Precisely. You look quite stunning, young lady.’

I don’t think that any compliment paid to me before had made me feel quite so good. It was a mental process — I felt good and confident because I knew that I looked good.

We returned to her living room and sat down to await the arrival of my escort for the evening.

What if he should stand me up now after having gone to all this trouble. I thought to myself, but five minutes later the door buzzer sounded. Suzanne was sitting closest to the intercom.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi, it is Andy. I’ve come for Clare.’

‘Come in,’ she said pressing the entry button to open the front door, ‘Clare will meet you in the hall.’

I went out of the flat to greet him. He was holding a bunch of flowers. He took one look at me and I could see the admiration in his eyes.

‘Wow, just look at you!’ he exclaimed, with obvious approval.

I blushed slightly but it only served to reinforce the knowledge that what I was doing, what I was planning to do, was the right thing for me. This was how I was meant to be, but there had been some plumbing mix-up by Mother Nature along the way.

‘Are those for me? Thank you very much, they’re lovely,’ I said taking the flowers and giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

‘I’ll need to put them in water before we go out, so come inside. I’d like you to meet my flat mate, Suzanne.’

‘Alright but I’ve parked my car in one of the residents’ parking places outside, will that be alright?’

‘Yes, that’s fine, there are no restrictions on Saturday nights.’

He followed me inside the flat, and I made the necessary introductions. I then busied myself in the kitchen with the flowers and I could hear them chatting with one another in quite a relaxed way. They were, after all, the same age. Eventually I emerged carrying a vase full of nicely arranged flowers, which I placed on the table.

‘I’m just going to help my friend get changed, Andy, but I’ll be ready to leave in ten minutes,’ I said.

‘No problem, we’ve plenty of time,’ he replied.

As I said this, my mobile phone rang. It still had my original sim card inside as I’d intended to swap to the new one at the beginning of the next week. I opened my handbag and looked at the number from the incoming call, but didn’t recognize it.

‘Hello,’ I said as androgynously as I could.

‘Is that Tom Evans?’

It was a woman’s voice with a Tyne and Wear accent, which I was unsure whether I recognized or not.

‘Hold on,’ I said and pressed the mute button.

‘Will you two excuse me for a minute,’ I said to the others, and went to my bedroom and shut the door.

‘Hello, this is Tom Evans, I said trying to adopt my more masculine voice.’

‘Hello Tom, this is Vera Hepburn, your Dad’s friend. We weren’t sure whether you were still in the country or not.’

‘I’m due to leave on Wednesday,’ I lied.

‘I’m afraid your Dad’s been taken to the Sunderland Royal Hospital. He was suffering from chest pains and shortness of breath

‘Do they know what is wrong with him?’

‘They said it was a pulmonary embolism — some sort of blockage in the lung.’

‘Is that serious?’

‘I think it can be. They’ve removed one blood clot from his artery, but they’re anxious in case there are any others in his blood stream. They are keeping him in hospital so that they can keep a close eye on him over the next few days. Your Dad told me not to tell you about it, but I thought that you’d want to know.’

‘Yes, of course. Thank you, Vera, I’m glad that you’ve told me.’

‘Do you think you will be able to come and see him before you leave for the USA?’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure, it might be difficult,’ I said feeling awful as I did so.

She sounded a little disappointed.

‘Well I’ll be visiting him over the next few days and so I’ll let you know if there are any developments.’

‘Thank you very much.’
I rang off and went to join the others again.

‘Is there a problem, Clare?’ asked Suzanne as I emerged from my bedroom, clearly looking worried.

‘That was my Dad’s new lady friend. He’s been taken to hospital in Sunderland with a pulmonary embolism, whatever that is. It sounds quite serious’

‘Let’s look it up on the NHS Direct website to see,’ said Suzanne, turning to her laptop computer which was on the table.

She soon found the relevant page where it was described as ‘a serious and potentially life-threatening condition.’

‘I’m very sorry, Clare, what are you going to do?’ asked Andy.

‘I ought to go and see him, but I can’t leave Suzanne on her own for such a long time.’

‘You would never forgive yourself if he were to die and you hadn’t been to see him,’ said Suzanne. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be able to manage on my own for a couple of days.’

‘Why don’t we get in my car now and drive there,' suggested Andy. 'We could probably get two thirds of the way before we needed to stop and find a motel for the night. That way you would be able to reach the hospital by lunchtime tomorrow. Assuming all is well, we could be back in London by late tomorrow night.’

‘But you’d be exhausted driving all that way,’ I said.

‘I’ll be alright, I’m quite used to driving long distances, and it will be nice to have such attractive looking company for the journey,’ said Andy.

‘We can have separate rooms in the hotel if you prefer,’ he added, as an afterthought.

I blushed. I hadn’t given any thought to the sleeping arrangements but now found myself wondering what it would be like to share a bed with Andy.

In the meanwhile, Suzanne had turned to a Routefinder website.

‘According to the AA it should take just over five hours to drive there; that’s without any breaks. It would just be feasible, if you left straight away.’

‘But I can’t go looking like this. I’ve not yet had a chance to explain to him about Clare; the shock of finding out might kill him.’

‘Well it is up to you to decide,’ said Suzanne. ‘I think any father would be proud to have such a daughter, but maybe you could take advice from his lady friend. ‘Remember also that you don’t have any clothes for Tom and the shops are all now closed. In any event, it will probably take several hours of work to get you looking remotely like a young man again.

She didn’t remind me that I’d also promised her to remain as Clare, but I was aware of the fact, and also that I didn’t want Andy to see me dressed as Tom.

‘Alright, I’ll go as I am and face the consequences.’

Then turning to Andy I said: ‘thank you for your kind offer to drive me. Twin beds in a shared room will be fine with me.’

He looked quite pleased with himself.

‘I’ll just need to grab a change of clothes and some makeup. Will you need to collect a change of clothes from your flat Andy?’

‘I have a bag containing some clean underclothes, socks and a t-shirt in the car, just in case I got lucky with my date tonight,’ he said with a wicked grin.

Within half an hour of receiving the phone call from Vera, I’d packed an overnight bag and also helped Suzanne to change into her night clothes, whilst Andy went to the garage at the end of our road to fill his car with petrol.

‘Are you sure you’re going to be alright, Suzanne?’

‘Yes, I’ll be fine thanks. There’s plenty of food in the fridge.

‘Would you like me to see whether Debbie can call in on you tomorrow?’

‘Look, Clare, I may be confined to a wheelchair but I’m not yet suffering from dementia. If I need any help or visitors I’ll organize them for myself. You just go and see how your Dad is doing.’

‘Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow night.’

‘Good luck.’

‘Thanks for all the help.’

---

I put my bag on the back seat of the car and took my place in the front with Andy. As soon as we were clear of London and were driving on the M1 motorway I retrieved my mobile phone from my handbag and rang the number of the last call I’d received.

‘Vera, it is Tom Evans, I’m on my way to Sunderland and hope to be able to call in to see my Dad tomorrow lunchtime.’

‘Oh I’m so glad to hear that, lad. Your Dad told me not to say anything to you, but I knew he wanted to see you.’

‘The only thing is, there is something I need to tell you that may surprise you and him as well. Also, I’m going to need your help tomorrow.’

‘What’s that?’ she asked.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 26

Revelations

After two and a half hours of driving we both needed to stop for a toilet break so Andy pulled in to the Trowell service station. We then agreed that we could both also do with a cup of coffee.

‘You look tired, Andy. I see that there’s a Travelodge next door, would you like to spend the night here?’ I asked.

‘Ideally, I’d like to press on for an hour or two more. If you get the coffees, I’ll go and ask if there is another Travelodge going north on the Motorway.’

He rejoined me five minutes later.

‘There’s one at Woolley Edge Service Station near Wakefield, which is only about an hour and a half from here and is about the same distance from Sunderland. That would be ideal, but they only have a room with a double bed available. I can always take some blankets and sleep on the floor. What do you think?’

‘Go ahead and book the room, and there’s no way that I’m going to let you sleep on the floor when you’ve driven me all this way, but please understand that I’ll be in no mood for anything other than sleeping.’

He smiled.

‘Of course not; I’ll be pretty knackered myself by then.’

I felt a little sorry that his hopes of an enjoyable evening had turned out this way, and decided that I’d try and make it up to him sometime.

‘Andy, I’m really grateful to you for driving me all this way. I promise to pay you back, both for the cost of the petrol and also for the accommodation, but it may have to wait until I receive my next salary payment.’

‘That won’t be necessary, Clare, I would probably have spent just as much if we’d gone out to dinner in a restaurant and then on to a club. However, you can buy me a pasty and chips if you like, whilst I book the room. I’m absolutely starving.’

I did as he asked, but wasn’t feeling particularly hungry myself, so made do with a second cup of coffee.

‘I’m sorry if I’ve not been very talkative on the journey so far,’ I said lightly touching his hand. ‘I’ve had many things on my mind.’

‘Of course, I understand,’ he replied giving my hand a squeeze. ‘It must have been a shock.’

‘The first of many, for both Dad and myself.’

‘So how did it go when you spoke to your Dad’s lady friend? I couldn’t really judge from overhearing only your half of the conversation.’

‘Alright, I think. She was obviously surprised by my revelation, but in the end made a comment to the effect that young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit. I believe she has a son of her own who is openly gay and lives with a dress designer in Brighton and so the world of gender variance isn’t entirely new to her.’

‘She probably believes that all Southerners are effete, decadent, and likely to lead honest hardworking Northern lads astray,’ said Andy laughing.

‘Or, worse still, turn them into lasses,’ I said laughing.

‘How did she think your Dad will react to meeting you tomorrow?’

‘She wasn’t sure. Apparently he’s allowed to have one visitor outside of normal visiting hours, so she will go and see him at ten tomorrow morning and gently break the news to him. It won’t be easy to do so in a busy hospital ward, but at least there will be medical help to hand if the news causes him to have a heart attack,’ I said, half joking.

At least I hoped as much.

‘I told Vera that we would meet her in the hospital cafeteria at noon, to see how she got on.’

‘How do you think he will react?’

‘Well he’s not exactly the archetypal bluff northern type, but it will inevitably be something of a shock to see his only son wearing a skirt and high heels for the first time. I now wish I’d brought some lower heeled shoes to wear and also thought to bring some nail polish remover,’ I said examining my immaculately polished nails.’

‘You look great as you are. What would be the point in wearing dungarees and Doc Martens if you want to convince him that you wish to continue living as Clare?’

‘I don’t possess either garment, but I suppose you’re right, if I’m going to live as a girl I may as well try and look and act like one as well. I just wish my mum was still with us, she would have been able to talk him round, although I’m not sure that she would have entirely approved of the heels and the makeup.’

‘Well, as the lady said, young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit.’

‘I suppose so,’ I said thoughtfully.

‘And now, my lady, it’s time for us to hit the road again.’

We continued our journey and I had to use all of my powers of conversation both to take my mind off my forthcoming meeting with my father and also to make sure that Andy remained awake and alert whilst he was driving. For the next hour and a half we talked about almost anything, that came in to my head — our respective jobs, my flat mate’s medical condition, how I came to be living as Clare. The one thing I did not mention, however, was my recent visit to my doctor and my intention to seek gender re-assignment. It was something which I felt able to discuss with my female friends, but not yet able to discuss with Andy, or indeed my father.

It was almost midnight when we eventually checked into our room. Andy looked really tired, and so he had the first shower whilst I took off my makeup and fixed my hair. By the time I emerged from my shower he was already fast asleep.

---

‘Wakey wakey,’ I whispered into Andy’s ear, and then gave him a kiss on the cheek to reinforce the point.

‘What time is it?’

‘It’s nearly eight-thirty’.

He opened his eyes.

‘Hey, you’re up and dressed already.’

‘Yes, I’ve been awake since 7 o’clock, and what‘s more, I’ve been out to get us some breakfast. Shall we be totally decadent and eat it in bed together?’

‘Why not?’

Andy sat up and I passed him the tray that I’d borrowed from the café next door containing mugs of coffee and plates of eggs and bacon. Then I kicked off my shoes, slipped out of my dress and joined him. It had been a cold morning outside and it was nice to return to a warm bed. We ate our breakfasts and put the plates down on the floor and then both lay back for a minute and turned towards one another.

‘So what is happening today, young lady?’ he asked.

‘I’ve rung the hospital. All they would say was that Dad has passed a comfortable night and was still under observation. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do until we meet Vera in the hospital at midday. After that we’ll just have to play it by ear.’

‘In that case we’ll need to check out of the room by about 10.00am, so would that give us enough time to have a quick kiss and a cuddle before we get up?’

‘Maybe just a quick one,’ I said as I slipped my hand into his boxer shorts. ‘But I’ll have to leave myself enough time to take a shower and fix my makeup.’

---

‘Well, I must say you’ve changed a lot since we last met, my lad, or perhaps I should now say, my lass,’ said Vera as we met in the hospital cafeteria.

‘It might be less embarrassing for us all, if you did,’ I replied.

I was wearing a purple two piece skirt suit and a pink blouse. I’d chosen it as it was the same colour as the dress I’d worn the previous night, but looked less provocatively girly, somehow.

‘And who is this?’ she asked.

‘This is my friend Andy; he drove me here last night.’

‘That was very good of you to do so,’ she said, shaking him by the hand.

He smiled and looked a little bit awkward,

‘So how is Dad this morning?’ I asked, changing the subject.

‘Not too bad. I think we were all a bit shaken up by the incident, and of course he’s also had an operation to clear the blocked artery. They are now treating him with Warfarin, to thin his blood, and are cautiously confident that it will prevent any recurrence of the problem.’

‘Warfarin? I thought that was rat poison.’

‘It is, or at least used to be, but apparently it also had medical uses.’

‘Does Dad know I’m in Sunderland?’

‘Yes, at first he was angry with me that I’d told you.’

‘Have you told him about ….. Clare?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I told him exactly what you told me on the phone last night. It was a little difficult as there were other patients in the same room and also staff coming and going.’

‘I guess so. So how did he react?’

‘He became very quiet and thoughtful for a while. It was almost as if he wasn’t completely surprised by the news.’

‘Really? It came as quite a surprise to me when it all happened.’

‘Well maybe he didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but he’d previously said to me that he was worried about how you were getting on in London, although you’d apparently seemed to be happier when you visited just before Christmas. I think he was disappointed that you hadn’t felt able to tell him the whole truth, but was relieved to discover that you were no longer going oversea.’

‘I see,’ I said, feeling rather guilty. ‘At the time I thought I might be able to sort things out without him finding out.’

‘Well, he knows now.’

‘So how have you left things with him?’

‘I spoke to the nurse in charge and explained that you’d driven up from London and had to return there later today, and so you can go up and see him straight away, if you wish. Your young man had better wait here with me, though.’

‘Is that alright with you Andy?’

‘Yes, of course, you go up and see him.’

I followed Vera’s instructions to get to the ward and then asked a nurse where to find him. He was in the corner of a side ward containing six beds. The bed next to him was empty but the other four all had elderly male patients, some of whom were sleeping or listening to music on headphones.

‘Hello Dad,’ I said, putting some flowers that I brought down on to his bedside table. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m alright, just a little bit tired.’

He looked at me carefully for what seemed like ages. I didn’t know what to say.

‘Well hinny, you remind me of your mother when she was your age and we first started stepping out together.’

‘Do I really?’ I said, blushing, but with a note of relief in my voice.

A ward orderly came over and picked up the flowers.

‘I’ll put those in a vase for you,’ she said.

We both waited quietly for her to leave us.

‘So what has happened to Tom?’ he asked

‘I’m not absolutely sure; he’s gone away for a while.’

‘Gone to America?’

‘I suppose you could say that, but Clare will still be living and working in London.’

‘Is Tom ever coming back?’

‘I’m not sure, Dad; possibly not. But please understand that I’ve been really happy over the last few weeks.’

‘And Tom wasn’t happy?’

‘No! Not really.’

‘I suspected not, so did your mother,’ he replied sadly.

The orderly returned bringing the flowers in a vase, and put them down on the locker then busied herself checking the forms at the end of her bed. I looked around at the other occupants of the room, whilst we waited for her to leave

‘When do you go back to London?’

‘This afternoon, I’m afraid. We’ll need to leave by three if we’re going to be back in London tonight.’

‘Who’s we?’

‘A friend gave me a lift up in his car. He’s waiting downstairs with Vera,’ I said beginning to blush.

‘Oh! I see. Is it serious?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I said, blushing even more. ‘It is the first time I have ever been out with someone. I am still trying to work out who I am.’

He didn’t answer. A trolley appeared at the entrance to the room; an orderly came over to us.

‘We are serving the patients their lunches now, would you mind coming back at two o’clock, please Madam.’

It was said as an instruction rather than a question.

‘Listen, my bonny lass, we will need to have a serious talk about things - about the past and the future - but this isn’t the time or place to do so,’ said Dad.

‘Yes, I can see that,’ I replied.

‘I should be out of here in a day or two and once I’ve regained my strength I’ll come down to see you in London.’

‘That’s a long way for you to come, why don’t I come up here, or perhaps we could meet half-way?’

‘No, I want to see how and where you’re living. In the meanwhile please come back at two, and you can bring your young man with you, if you wish.’

‘Alright,’ I said getting up to leave. ‘I should like that.’

---

Andy and Vera seemed to be getting on alright and were having a cup of tea together, when I rejoined them. Vera offered to go and get me a cup.

‘How did you get on Clare?’ Andy asked when she left us.

‘OK, I think, for the time being at least. I think Vera must have done a good job breaking the news to him, and he’s not the type to ‘freak out’ in public. However, he says we wants to come and see me in London when he’s a little better, ‘to talk about the past and the future,’ whatever that means.’ I replied. ‘They are giving him lunch now but he would like us to come back at two o’clock. You can come as well, Andy, if you wish to do so.’

‘Alright, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to stay for long.’

Vera returned with my tea.

‘Thanks so much for everything you’ve done for my dad over the last few days,’ I said.

‘Think nothing of it, lass,’ she said, touching my hand. ‘I’m glad that you decided to come and see him.’

‘So am I now, but thanks for telling him … everything.’

‘No problem. Now what will be happening this afternoon?’

‘I think we should try and leave at 2.30pm,’ said Andy.

‘In that case you two go up to see him at 2.00pm. I’ll go home now and come back by 2.30.’

---

The afternoon visit was much less of an ordeal for us both. The ward was full of visitors to the other patients and so there could be no opportunity for any embarrassing discussions or revelations. Dad appeared to accept me as his daughter and shook hand with Andy. He also thanked him for driving me up to visit him. Andy apologized that we would not be able to stay for very long, but Dad said he understood, but was glad we had made the effort. Eventually Vera arrived and so I took my leave of them both, giving them a parting kiss.

‘One other thing, hinny, maybe you could send me a photograph of yourself sometime,’ said Dad as I was about to leave.

I smiled.

‘Yes of course, Dad. My flat mate has a good quality camera, I’ll ask her to take one of me as soon as I get home.’

---

I’d texted Suzanne a couple of times over the course of the last twenty four hours, ostensibly to let her know we’d arrived safely, but also as a means of checking that she was still alright. Once we were underway I called her, to let her know when to expect me home.

‘Hi Clare, how’s your Dad?’

‘Not too bad, I think the need to panic is probably now passed. How are you?’

‘I’m fine, Debbie is here with me.’ So how did the meeting with your dad go?’

‘A lot better than I feared. At least he didn’t try and tell me to take a cold shower and pull myself together or seek to have me committed to a mental institution’

‘Well that’s something, I suppose.

‘He also called me hinny’

‘Is that good?’ she asked, sounding surprised.

‘It's a local term of endearment. It's how he used to address my mum. However, he says that he intends to come down to London when he’s better and have a serious talk about the future.’

‘How have things been with Andy?’

‘He’s been great,’ I said looking across to him then added, ‘he’s sitting next to me now.’

I gently placed my hand on his knee in acknowledgment that we were talking about him. He smiled.

‘In that case you’ll have to tell me all about it later.’

---

Andy and I continued chatting quite happily for a couple of hours and whilst we stopped for a drink at the Watford Gap Service Area. I offered to buy him some dinner, but he preferred to have a snack and press on. During the final leg of our journey I couldn’t stop myself from falling asleep in the car. It was partly because we had the heater on full, but also the relief of having seen my father and knowing he was alright had lifted a weight of worry from my shoulders. The next thing I remember was when Andy gently spoke my name and touched my shoulder. We had left the motorway and were in the Kilburn High Road, less than two miles from Suzanne's flat. A few minutes later he pulled up outside.

‘I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me this weekend, Andy, I said, expecting him to lean across to kiss me.

‘That’s ok, I was happy to do so,’ he said a little awkwardly, and staying put.

I tried again.

‘And I’m sorry that our date was ruined.’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

So why don’t you ask me out again? I thought to myself, but found myself unable to voice the words.

There was an awkward silence. It occurred to me that he must have been doing a lot of thinking during those two hours that I’d been sleeping. Eventually I undid my seat belt, got out and collected my case from the back seat.

‘So you’ll call me sometime?’ I said.

‘Alright,’ he said but without a lot of conviction in his voice.

What had I done?

‘Goodbye then, and thanks again.’

I didn't look back as I heard his car start and then drive off. I let myself into Suzanne’s flat not knowing what to make of it all.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 27

The next week

Suzanne had appeared to be very tired when I arrived back on Sunday night and so I’d only given her the barest outline of my weekend before I helped her to bed. I was also feeling pretty confused and emotionally drained myself and so I followed her shortly afterwards. I must have fallen asleep almost as soon as I’d undressed, fixed my hair and got into bed. The next thing I remembered was waking up the following morning feeling much better and with a clearer head. I got up, showered and for once I just put on a pair of jeans and a sweater and only bothered with a trace of lipstick and mascara since I didn’t have to go into work and had no plans to go out. It was the first time I’d worn trousers since before Christmas and my legs now felt a little unfamiliar in them, but this didn’t trouble me. I was beginning to feel that my femininity had taken root and was growing within me and not just something expressed by the clothes and cosmetics I chose to wear or how I styled my hair. I quickly examined myself in the full length mirror. I may not have appeared as girly as I usually did, but there was no doubt that it was Clare rather than Tom whose reflection was facing me. As each day of the new year passed I felt more like a woman and my memories of my previous life were beginning to fade.

Suzanne announced that she was also feeling a lot better when she woke. I was glad that we would be able to spend the day together so that I could make amends for having been away for much of the weekend and leaving her on her own. I therefore organized a leisurely breakfast for us both during which I related the full story of my weekend.

‘That’s just typical of a man,’ commented Suzanne as I came to the end of my account. ‘They chase after you and profess undying love until they get you into bed with them, and then start to back off in case they should one day find themselves having to ‘commit’ to something or somebody.’

‘We may have slept in the same bed but we didn’t actually have sex, apart from a little cuddling and manual stimulation on my part.’

‘That probably counts as a conquest in his eyes and will be enough to give him one more notch on his bedpost or bragging rights with his mates in the pub.’

‘I don’t believe Andy is like that,’ I replied blushing at the thought. ‘I never had the impression that he was only after one thing. In any event, he didn’t have to volunteer to drive me all that way to see my father.’

‘Believe me, Clare, all men are only after one thing; they are genetically programmed that way,’ she replied definitively. ‘But, I suppose you may be right in some respects. It was good of him to drive you all that way, even if it proved to be a false alarm in the end.’

‘Yes but I’m still glad we went, though; and also that my father knows about Clare, even though he is now threatening to come to London and pay me a visit sometime in the future.

‘Did you discuss your long term intentions with him?’

‘No, not really. It was difficult for me to say much in a public ward, and in any event I want to see a therapist and have some idea of the timetable before I say too much about it. However, I did try to imply that my living as Clare wasn’t just a passing whim.’

‘So how did he react to meeting his new daughter or perhaps we should say more strictly, his daughter-to be?’

I thought for a moment before answering.

‘It is difficult to say exactly what was going on in his mind. Vera, his new lady friend, had done a pretty good job of preparing the ground for me, which made things a lot easier. So Dad didn’t seem as surprised or upset as I’d imagined. He was even prepared to meet Andy.’

‘How did Andy react to that idea of meeting your Dad?’

‘He seemed ok about it.’

‘I just wonder whether it was a little premature for Andy to be ‘meeting the parents,’ and that scared him off. Do you think that may be the reason why gave you the cold shoulder last night?’

‘I’m not sure, I wouldn’t have planned it that way, but that’s how it turned out. He seemed alright when he was with Dad and was also quite chatty to me during the first part of our journey home,’ I answered sadly. ‘It was only during the last two hours when I was asleep that seemed to become change, as if he’d been brooding about something.’

’In that case, Clare, don’t just sit at home and mope. Phone him to find out what is his problem? After all, we are now living in the twenty-first century and a girl is allowed to phone a guy if she chooses to do so.’

‘Good heavens no,’ I replied vehemently. ‘If I am going to be a girl, I fully intend to avail myself of all the advantages on offer.’

‘What advantages?’ asked Suzanne, sounding a little surprised.

‘That I get the right to say yes or no, and don’t have to go through the nightmare of plucking up courage to ask the question.’

‘If you are not careful you will set back the cause of women’s lib by years. There are lots of young women who resent being expected to remain the passive recipients of a man’s attention.’

‘Maybe so, but I’m not one of them.’

She didn’t press the point.

‘It is also possible that he’s unsure of himself and how you feel about him?’

‘I did my best to make that clear to him in bed yesterday morning.’

‘Maybe he was becoming a little worried about the growth of his feelings for you?’

This hadn’t really occurred to me, and would take some thinking about. I decided to try and put an end to the discussion.

‘If Andy wants to see me again then he must ask me out,’ replied decisively.

‘Alright then, it’s your life. Let us hope that his crisis of confidence is quickly resolved and he sees sense. In the meanwhile, young lady, you’ll just have to wait patiently by the phone hoping that it will ring, as so many of our sisters have done ever since the invention of that device.’

‘I like Andy but I’m not so smitten that I’ll be incapable of doing anything else until I hear from him. Now that Dad knows about Clare, I want to get my physical transition started as soon as possible’

---

I rang the hospital in Sunderland during the course of the morning, only to be told that Dad had been discharged about an hour before. I therefore rang his mobile phone and afterwards the landline of our home but got no response from either number. Eventually I rang Vera’s mobile to see if she knew what was happening.

‘Your Dad is going to spend a few days with me, so I can keep an eye on him. He’s asleep at the moment, but maybe you could ring back this evening to have a chat?’

Things certainly seemed to be getting more serious between them. I felt a little sad for my mum’s sake, but on balance I thought it was probably be a good thing, and that it was probably what my mother would have wanted for him.

‘That’s very kind of you, Vera; I’ll feel a lot happier knowing that he isn’t on his own.’

‘It’s no problem, lass. My family have grown up and moved away so I’ve plenty of spare room.

The inclusion of that one word — lass — into her sentence had a profound effect on me. It showed me that she accepted me as I was. Before I knew it, I found myself gossiping away to Vera about her family, my Dad’s health and my job in London in a way that I’d never done before. Tom’s telephone calls had always been short and to the point, whereas as Clare I found myself both able and willing to chat without being conscious of the time. Eventually, after twenty minutes or so, Vera broke in.

‘This call must be costing you a fair packet, Clare. When I talk to my son in Brighton we use something called Messenger which doesn’t cost us anything and you can see one another as well? Can you use it on your computer?’

‘I’ve been using Skype but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t use Messenger as well. I’ll try and get it working this afternoon and so I’ll be able to chat to you both later on.’

‘If you do, I’ll show your father what he needs to do at this end. It’ll be nice for him to see you as well as just talk. It will remind him that he now has a daughter rather than a son.’

‘I can see that you and I are going to become great allies, Vera,’ I said.

‘Well I saw what happened between my son Peter and his father when, when my lad announced that he was gay. It nearly broke the whole family, and I’m sure it brought on my Eric’s heart attack and shortened his life,’ she said sadly.

‘That is sad. I hope that the father and son were reconciled before he died.’

‘Yes they were, but it was all so unnecessary. Peter and his partner make a lovely couple together and have now entered into one of those Civil Partnerships. We have to let our children make their own decisions and live their own lives, just as we did when we were young. I said that to your Dad and told him not to make the same mistakes as my Eric.’

‘Vera, you are a lovely woman, and I’m so glad that you and Dad have become friends.’

I also had a long chat over the phone with Debbie, who was on her own in the office. She had rung me and so on this occasion it was our employers that were paying the phone bill, but I did not feel too guilty as they’d been perfectly happy to let Tom go in spite of his having worked hard for the previous year. Debbie was anxious to know how things had gone for me over the weekend, and was unwilling to wait until I went in to office the next day, including the slightly surprising behavior of Andy at the end.

‘Would you like me to ring him to find out what was wrong?’

‘No thanks. I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on him. It is up to him if he gets in touch with me again.’

‘I realise that but I might make a few discreet enquiries on your behalf among his friends,’

‘Be very careful, he may not want his friends to know that he has been out with a transgendered woman.’

‘I promise be the sole of discretion, and will see what I can discover.’

‘Alright, but now that I’ve told you the full story I expect a detailed account of your weekend and the progress of your love life in return.

‘That’s nearly two hours that you’ve spent on the phone this morning; you really are turning in to a woman,’ commented Suzanne, laughing, when I’d finished both my calls. ‘It must be those pills that you’re taking.’

‘If only that were true, but unfortunately they are only to stop me from becoming any more of a man. I can’t wait until I begin taking the hormones so that I can look and feel like a real woman.’

‘When do you expect to hear from the clinic? ‘

‘I only saw my GP on Friday and so I suspect it may be a week or more. I just hope that they will be willing to accept that I have been happily living as Clare since November and don’t try and keep me waiting for another three months before prescribing me with oestrogen.’

---

Suzanne and I continued to chat together as I made us some soup and a sandwich for our lunch.

‘If you smarten yourself up a little and fix your makeup this afternoon, I could take some photographs of you to send to your Dad,’ she suggested.

‘Are you sure that you’re feeling up to it?’

‘Clare, I’m quite capable of pressing a camera shutter. I can even do that from my wheelchair.’

‘In that case, thank you very much.’

Two hours later we were inspecting the results on the computer that we shared in the living room as my own laptop had been lost in the fire. We were trying to decide which ones would be best to get printed to send to my father.

‘What sort of image are you looking for, Clare?’

‘A sensible and attractive young lady and not too girly,’ I replied.

‘How about that one?’ she said, pointing to the thumbnail of a three quarter head-shot of me in a dark blue dress.

I double clicked on it so that we could look at the image full-sized.

‘Dad said that I reminded him of my mother, when she was my age. I think I can now see what he means.’

‘In that case, she must have been very good looking,’ responded Suzanne.

‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing a little at the thought, but pleased that she had said so. ‘I’ll take the SD card with me tomorrow into work afterwards and arrange to have two or three printed to send to him.’

I just wish my mother could have seen me as Clare,’ I thought to myself sadly.

Although a keen photographer herself, Suzanne didn’t like having her own photograph taken. She did however relent and allowed me to take one photograph of the two of us together, using the timer. As I was copying this on to the computer, I compared it with the photograph that we’d taken together back in November, on the first occasion I’d dressed as Clare. I was quite shocked to see how much her appearance had changed in just over two months as her condition gradually deteriorated.

---

Whilst I was using the computer, I set up Microsoft Messenger and then did the same for Suzanne on the computer in her bedroom, so that we were able to try out the software. Once it was working, I called Vera again and talked her through how to contact and then connect to me online. Eventually I was able to spend ten minutes conversing with my Dad. I was glad that Suzanne had persuaded me to change into a dress and put on more than basic make up for the photographs as I now felt more confident when talking to him.

Dad was no more talkative to me as Clare than he used to be to Tom, but I persevered and he dutifully answered my questions about how he was feeling, what pills he had to take and when he was due to return for an outpatient’s appointment at the hospital.

‘They want me to come in on Monday week, but I told them that I feel fine now that they’ve cleared that blockage.’

‘Good but please take it easy, Dad and do whatever Vera tells you. I don’t want to have to come driving up all that way to visit you in hospital again,’ I said, having just about run out of other things to say and drawing the conversation to a close.

‘Alright but I’ll need to come and see you soon, hinny.’

‘Well, you can’t for the time being, you’ve only just come out of hospital, remember?’

‘I’ve looked up the train times, If I left Sunderland at eight o’clock I could be in London by 11.30. That would give me five or six hours in London, which should be enough time to talk to you.’

‘Can’t we talk over the Internet or by phone?’

‘No, I’ve something that I want to show you.’

‘Well if you want to see me, you’ll have to come down on a Monday, as that is my day off work. Since you have a hospital appointment on the 29th I suggest you can come down on the 5th February,’ I said, hoping that by then he would be fitter and that I would have had my first appointment with the therapist and so I might have something to say to him as well.

‘But that’s three weeks away!’

‘At least I’ll be reasonably happy that you have regained some of your strength by then. Also that way you’ll be able to take advantage of cheap rail fares by booking more than two weeks in advance.’

I thought that the second point would probably carry more weight with him than the first.

‘Alright, I suppose so,’ he replied reluctantly.

‘And promise me that you’ll reserve a seat for yourself both ways, I don’t want you dropping dead from exhaustion on the train.’

‘You know, hinny, you’re beginning to sound just like your mother.’

‘Good!’

---

Not a lot else happened to me during the rest of that week. As usual, I went in to work in full-Clare mode (smart suit, high-heels and immaculate makeup) as dressing elegantly always made me feel more confident when dealing with customers or my colleagues. I also organized the pictures and sent them to Dad care of Vera. I also contacted Dad by Messenger each evening just to check that he was still alright, but tended to end up chatting to Vera rather than him. She was always easy to talk to and often complimented me on what I was wearing. I didn’t hear anything from Andy, and Debbie had not yet received any feedback from her discreet enquiries on the subject. Suzanne’s condition remained much the same. I was on my own in the office on Friday lunchtime, when my mobile phone began to ring.

‘Hi Suzanne’ I said, recognising her ring tone.

‘Hi Clare, I thought I’d let you know that there are two official-looking letters which have just arrived addressed to Tom. One is from the West London Mental Health Trust and the other appears to be from an insurance company.’

‘Oh dear, I wasn’t expecting anything quite so quickly, would you mind opening them for me and telling me what they say please.’

There was a pause, and then a minute later Suzanne came back to the phone.

‘The first one is an appointment for you for next Wednesday afternoon. Will you be able to get the time off work?’

‘I should think so, Karen said they could be quite flexible with my hours. I’ll talk to her later this afternoon.’

I waited for a moment whilst she opened the second envelope.

‘It contains a cheque for  £4,925 made out to Tom Evans, settling his claim in full. That’s the maximum sum except for a  £75.00 excess which they have deducted.’

‘Wow! That’s wonderful news, now I’ll be able to buy myself some clothes of my own so that I can return some of those that I’ve been borrowing from you.’

‘Clare, I’ve already told you that you can keep all the clothes I’ve given to you as I won’t be wearing them again.’

‘Alright then, thank you, but it’ll be nice to be able to choose a few things for myself for a change. Also I’m going to need to get these hair extensions fixed as one came out when I was washing my hair in the shower this morning.’

‘Of course, but don’t be in too much of a hurry to spend all your money, you may decide that there are other things you want to do with it?’

‘What sort of other things?’

‘At least wait until after your appointment. You may find that you need to pay for a course of hormones or perhaps even a boob job!’

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 28

My preliminary interview

Of course Suzanne was right; I now had more than enough clothes to wear and in all probability I would need the insurance money to help finance my transition and begin my new life as a woman. I therefore decided that once I’d banked the cheque and it had cleared I would transfer all the funds from Tom’s to Clare’s account. I would then close Tom’s account as one more, largely symbolic step on the road. Yet at the same time I did feel that I deserved a small treat and was eager to experience the pleasures of going out and choosing something for myself to wear, rather than relying on the judgment and choices of my friends. I still had some money in Tom’s current account and would receive Clare’s first salary cheque the following week. I remembered a red and white floral dress that I’d seen in Marks and Spencer the previous Saturday morning but had refrained from trying on. The interaction of the two colours created a pleasing and very feminine appearance of pink. I therefore decided to call in at the Marble Arch branch on my way home from work and have another look at it.

The dress proved to be a light-weight chiffon type of material, and with short sleeves it was probably more suitable for summer wear than January, but it was fully lined and I knew it would go well with a pink Bolero jacket given to me by Suzanne. I took it to the changing room and tried it on. It certainly felt good to wear and as far as I could judge it suited me. It went through my mind that perhaps I ought to ask Debbie to come and check it out for me before I bought it, or at least ring home and ask Suzanne’s opinion, but then I decided to go ahead. If I was going to live successfully as a young woman I would need to feel confident about how I looked and what I wore and wouldn’t always be able to rely on my friends. Perhaps I might make some mistakes along the way, but didn’t every girl do so? I went ahead and bought it, and also a pink coral necklace and pair of earrings which I felt would go well with it.

In the event Suzanne was very flattering when I showed her the dress and accessories later that evening, and agreed that it would go well with the Bolero.

‘I never meant to suggest that you shouldn’t buy any new clothes for yourself, Clare, just that you should start to think about the long term future.’

‘I know, and of course you’re right, but having now discovered the pleasures of having nice clothes to wear, it is something of a temptation,’ I said admiring myself in the bedroom mirror. ‘I think I may even wear this outfit when I go for my first appointment at the clinic. Unfortunately this first appointment is made in the name of Tom Evans, but I’m determined not to make any compromise in my appearance or conduct as a result. What do you think?’

Suzanne smiled.

‘I think you will look fine, Clare. Were you successful in getting some time off next Wednesday?’

‘Yes Karen was happy for me to exchange my days off next week, although I didn’t spell out to her exactly what the appointment was for. She assumed it was so that I could accompany you to see your doctor.’

‘Well in some respects that is not too far from the truth. My doctor, a health visitor and a social worker from the hospital will be coming here next Wednesday morning to discuss my future and it would be helpful to me if you could also be present.’

‘Yes, of course, as long as I can be away soon after lunchtime.’

---

Our weekend seemed a little flat after the excitement of getting myself ready for a date, followed by my trip to Sunderland and the ultimate disappointment of the previous weekend, but I kept myself busy cleaning the flat and on various other chores. I also continued to be in regular brief contact with Dad, who seemed to be doing alright, and with Vera who was a lot chattier. There was still no word from Andy and I was coming to the conclusion that that friendship was probably now over, before it had really got established. I guess I was expecting a lot for him to accept me as a woman, whilst I was still physically (and indeed legally) a man, no matter what I felt like inside. But at least I had something to look forward to — my forthcoming appointment. Wednesday was going to be an important day for both Suzanne and myself for different reasons.

I helped Suzanne to get up early the following Wednesday and we were both dressed and had eaten some breakfast by the time her visitors arrived at 10.00am.

‘Now remember, Clare, we have to convince them that I will be able to manage at home, with your help. I do not wish to end my days in a hospital.’

‘Yes, of course, I understand.’

‘No matter what happens to me here, it is my wish to remain in my flat.’

‘Suzanne, even if I have to give up my part-time job, I will continue to look after you at home. That is my promise.’

Suzanne very much took the lead in the subsequent discussion between the medical professionals and us. I was introduced as her cousin Clare, who had taken on the role of her part-time, live-in care giver and that, if needs be, I would be prepared to take on the role full-time. I confirmed that this was so. Suzanne spelled out in no uncertain terms that she would be willing co-operate with any treatment undertaken in her own home, but refused absolutely to go into hospital. The doctor argued that she might be shortening her own life as a result, but when challenged he admitted that this could only be by a matter of weeks, if at all, and that the prognosis was grim whatever she did. It took some argument on her part to convince them, but eventually they agreed to her wishes. We decided that she would receive regular visits from the health visitor who would liaise with me and also with the hospital, but that she would continue to be treated at home.

We all could see that the interview had been quite draining for Suzanne, so we let her have a nap whilst I showed the visitors out of the flat.

‘You do realise how serious is your cousin’s condition, Miss Simpson. There is really nothing more that we can do and I am afraid that it can only be a matter of weeks now before the end.’

‘Yes, I’ve noticed how much she has declined over the last few weeks that I have been staying here. ‘What will happen at the end, doctor?’

‘It is impossible to say with certainty. Heart failure is the most likely outcome; she may even die in her sleep. You should be prepared for any eventuality.’

‘I see.’

‘When the time comes you should telephone the health visitor directly rather than the usual emergency number to call an ambulance; she will have my contact number.’

‘Thank you, doctor. I will do my best for her.

In some respects it felt wrong to be thinking about myself and my future after this rather sombre conversation, but I knew that Suzanne would want me to go ahead and keep my appointment. I also knew that it would be important for me to look my best. Our visitors were gone by 11.00am which gave me plenty of me time to get myself ready for my own appointment in the afternoon and then get us both some lunch.

When she woke at lunchtime, Suzanne resisted any attempt at discussing her condition any more, but rather turned the conversation on to me and my future.

‘You look very nice in that outfit, Clare, I can see you are developing an eye for what suits you,’ said Suzanne once she woke up from her sleep

‘Thank you. I didn’t want to go over the top with ‘girlyness’, but at the same time I don’t want to leave anybody in any doubt of my adopted gender.’

‘I don’t think there ever could be any danger of that now.’

‘So you appear to have got what you wanted this morning,’ I said changing the subject.

‘Yes I did, and thank you for your help in that matter. If you stay with me to the end, I promise to make it up to you.’

‘Suzanne, you have already done more than enough for me as it is. Apart from anything else you have shown me who I really am and how I want to spend the rest of my life.’

‘In that case I hope you get what you want this afternoon.’

---

My GP had referred me for a preliminary assessment of my gender identity ‘issues’ by a psychologist at the West London Mental Health Trust in Southall. This was some way outside the area in which I was then living but my doctor advised me that they had more experience in this field and worked closely with the Charing Cross Hospital Gender Identity Clinic which was now in Hammersmith. This unit had been in operation since the 1960s and was believed to be the largest such clinic in Europe and would be the best place to oversee my transition. However, they only accepted referrals from Mental Health professionals, and so this would be an important preliminary step.

I arrived at the Southall clinic in good time and went up to the reception.

‘My name is Thomas Evans, I have an appointment with Doctor Underwood,’ I said feeling my cheeks colouring as I did so.

There was a slight double-take on the part of the receptionist, and a typist working at a computer in the back office raised her eyes from her work for a second, but I’m sure they’d both come across this situation before.

‘Oh yes,’ she said consulting a list of appointments. As this is your first time here will you take a seat and complete this form please,’

She handed me a clip-board and pen and I followed her instructions. I filled in the form accurately with my given names, address, date and place of birth, National Health number etc. but I left question about my sex until the end. Eventually, instead of ticking either the M or the F box as requested, I crossed them both through and wrote ‘not sure’, then took the form back to the receptionist. She smiled and quickly read it through.

‘How would you like us to address you?’ she asked.

‘I’ve been using the name Clare Simpson at work, although I haven’t yet legally changed my name.’

‘Is that Miss or Ms?’ she asked.

‘Ms please,’ I replied, already feeling quite relieved.

She wrote on the top of my form ‘Prefers to be known as Ms. Clare Simpson.’

Thank you.’

She smiled and said, ‘Doctor Underwood is running a little late this afternoon, but she shouldn’t be more than ten minutes or so.’

I took off my outdoor coat and hung it on a coat hook provided, and took a seat in their waiting room. I took out a powder compact and checked my makeup in the mirror. It seemed ok, but I dabbed a little powder on the nose just to be on the safe side to give myself something to do. I then idly flicked through some copies of Elle and Cosmo whilst I waited to be called, trying to stop myself from feeling too nervous. In fact it was more like twenty minutes before I was invited to go through to the consulting room.

‘Please come in and take a seat Ms. ….. Simpson,’ said a middle aged woman, who was reading my form. May I call you Clare?’

‘Yes please, I should prefer that.’

‘I have a letter from your GP who suggests that you would be a suitable candidate to attend our Gender Identity Clinic. My job is to make an initial assessment of your overall mental health and to determine whether changing your gender is right for you. Although in your case you appear to have taken several steps down that road of your own volition.’

‘Yes, I started dressing as a woman last year, and I’ve been living full-time as Clare since the beginning of last December, and have no intention of ever going back to living as a male.’

I wanted to make my determination clear at the earliest opportunity.

‘I see, and have you experienced any problems living in a different gender?’

‘Not really, apart from having to break the news to my father, that is. In every other respect I have never felt as contented with my life as I do now.’

‘How did your father react to your news?’

‘He was surprised, but not angry. I think he is coming to terms with my decision.’

‘And your mother?’

‘She died just over a year ago.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any brothers or sisters?’

‘No, I was an only child.’

She looked again at my form.

‘I notice that you have written the word ‘not sure’ next to the box asking what sex you are. Why did you do that?’

‘Well, it isn’t that I’m unsure of my physical sex, although I’ve always been small for my age and have never really developed many overtly male physical characteristics. As far as I’m aware I am a fully-functioning male, or at least I was until I started taking the Aldactone, but I’ve never really felt like a male in my head.’

‘So what does a male feel like?’

I smiled.

‘That’s just the point, I don’t know, but I do know that I’m not one.’

She smiled at me in response.

‘However, as soon as I started dressing, acting, and then living as a woman it felt just ‘right‘ for me somehow. It is difficult to explain but I felt as if this is who I really was, or at least who I should have been.’

‘In that case why did you leave it until you were nearly twenty before taking any action to rectify your situation?’

‘My mother was seriously ill for nearly three years before she died and I felt that I couldn’t saddle her or my father with any additional problems about my own life. Prior to that, although I realised that other people didn’t feel the same way as I did, I assumed that one day I’d grow out of the feelings that things weren’t quite right in my life.’

‘So what makes you sure now that you won’t grow out of these feelings one day and want to revert to being male and perhaps starting a family?’

‘I’m absolutely certain,’ I replied looking her straight in the eyes. ‘I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I feel more comfortable with myself, and in the way I interact with others. I have more friends and find it easier to talk to people as a woman. I realise the sacrifices that I will inevitably make by taking female hormones and eventually having surgery, but am happy to make them. Now that I have seen how good life can be for me as a woman, I couldn’t bear to go back to living as a male again.’

Doctor Underwood spent another twenty minutes or so probing different aspects of my decision and asked for details of my background, childhood, education, job, domestic circumstances, sex life and my mental health generally, taking notes as she did so. She also spelled out the implications of my proposed course of action for my future, and that once I started there could be no going back. I did my best to convince her that I was well-balanced, happy and had given serious thought to my future. Eventually she brought the interview to an end.

‘Well Clare, you appear to have several things going for you in your quest to live your life as a woman. You present to me as a convincing and attractive young woman, who has lived and worked successfully in her chosen gender for some time. You seem to have a regular and stable life with a job and accommodation, which is important for those undergoing transition. What is more, you appear to have faced up to the task of informing your family. From looking at you I do not believe that you will require speech therapy, ENT surgery or extensive laser treatment to be able to pass successfully as a woman. I therefore endorse the opinion of your GP and am happy to recommend that you should become a patient of the Gender Identity Clinic.’

‘Thank you Doctor Underwood.’ I replied, suddenly realising how relieved I felt.

‘You will receive an appointment letter from them and they will discuss with you what they can do to help you. I do warn you that they will want to see you at least twice and investigate the reasons for your wishing to change gender in some depth before they will agree to prescribe any female hormones.’

‘Yes, Doctor, I do understand the situation.

‘Any other decisions about surgery will depend upon the opinion of the consultants as to your suitability, and will inevitably be subject to waiting lists.’

‘I realise that, but will I at least be able to continue taking the testosterone blockers in the meanwhile?’

‘Yes, you should be able to get a repeat prescription from your GP. I will write confirming my recommendation’

‘How long will it take before I am given an appointment?’

‘I’m not sure, it is a busy clinic, but as you live within easy travelling distance and can be quite flexible as to when you can attend, it may be possible for you to be placed on a list of patients who can fill in at short notice in the event of cancellations.’

‘Yes please, I should like that. Now that I have decided on my course of action, I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.’

‘I understand your wish, Clare, but we don’t want the ball rolling so fast that it cannot be stopped if need be.’

Oh yes we do,’ I thought to myself, but just smiled and said nothing.

I thanked her and left feeling really elated. I collected my coat. The receptionist smiled at me as I left and I smiled back. I guess she could see from my face that I’d got what I wanted. On the way out I stopped off at the ladies to give myself an opportunity to gather my thoughts and check on my makeup once again. I also rang both Suzanne and Debbie on my way home to tell them the good news. They both said how pleased they were for me. Debbie said that she would call round to the flat after work so I could give her a detailed account, as it might be difficult for me to discuss it in front of the others in the office.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 29

Andy again

Suzanne, Debbie and I spent the first half hour or so over dinner on Wednesday evening discussing the visit by Suzanne’s doctor and health visitor together with her rather bleak prognosis. Debbie and I were both in awe of the calm and controlled way in which she spoke of her situation and her imminent demise, as if it were the most natural topic of conversation to have over dinner. I think we both found it difficult to put in words our feelings of sympathy for her.

‘How can you accept the unfairness of it all, without getting angry and bitter?’ asked Debbie.

‘I have been aware of what is going to happen for more than two years now and have had plenty of time to be angry and bitter, but in the end it didn’t help. All it succeeded in doing was to alienate me from people who were trying to help. Meeting Tom last year, and then, more specifically getting to know Clare over the last few weeks has helped me come to terms with my situation.

I looked down, feeling embarrassed. All of my issues were as nothing compared with what she was facing. There was an awkward silence; at last Suzanne turned to me and said:

‘I’m getting fed up with this gruesome conversation. Let’s talk about something a little more cheerful. Clare, why not tell Debbie how you got on this afternoon?’

I did as she asked and related the full story of my own appointment, and the likely outcome and timetable.

‘You certainly don’t hang around once you’ve made up your mind,’ said Debbie. ‘It was only just over a month ago that we had to talk you in to spending the Christmas and New Year holidays as Clare; now you are planning to do so for the rest of your life. Are you sure that you know what you are doing?’

‘I know, but once I began to entertain the idea of spending the rest of my life as Clare it was as if the final piece in the jig-saw had been put in place. I have hardly thought of anything else since then, and the more I think about it the more convinced I am that it is right for me. In fact I feel quite guilty as my father and my good friend are both seriously ill, and yet I still spend most of my time thinking about myself and my future.’

‘It sounds as if your father is on the mend now, and worrying about me is going to make any difference to the outcome, so I would far rather that you thought carefully about what you are planning to do,’ said Suzanne.

‘But don’t you think that Clare might be rushing in to things?’ Debbie asked Suzanne.

‘I’m not going to make any specific recommendations to her as I will not be around to help pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.’

Then, turning to me, she said ‘if you want my opinion, Clare, I suspect that what you are planning to do is the right thing for you. However, it must be your decision and you should go into it with your eyes open wide as to the difficulties and delays involved, and above all what you will inevitably have to give up in the process.’

‘I will have to satisfy all concerned that I have carefully thought through the implications and know exactly what I’m doing, before I am permitted to take any irrevocable steps,’ I said. ‘However the longer I leave it the more prolonged and difficult will be the task. I am already twenty and am conscious that my looks will soon become more masculine.’

‘You don’t look at all masculine at present,’ said Debbie. ‘That was one of the things I always noticed about Tom.’

‘It was one of the reasons why Tom was never successful as a young man. But inevitably my feminine looks will change unless I take some action. In fact I now wish that I’d faced up to the issue when I was sixteen.’

‘Were you aware of wanting to be a woman when you were sixteen?’ asked Suzanne.

‘No, not specifically, but I was just aware that things weren’t right for me as a man. Unfortunately I ignored those feelings hoping they would go away, whereas I should have discussed them with my parents or looked for counseling. I suppose I was lucky in being a late developer. The sad thing for many young people in my situation is that their body starts to change before their mind is fully mature. However, as far as I’m concerned I now know what I want and have never felt as confident about the rightness of a proposed course of action as I do now.’

‘In that case, all I can say is good luck to you,’ said Debbie.

‘Hear, hear,’ added Suzanne.

I thanked them both and we moved on to talking about other things — Debbie’s new relationship which seemed to be going quite well, and my own abortive one, which now seemed to be ancient history.

‘I’ve made discreet enquiries with a couple of Andy’s male friends, but neither of them knew exactly what is up with him. Apparently he gives everyone the impression of not being too happy with his life at present but doesn’t appear to want to take anybody in to his confidence,’ said Debbie.

‘Please don’t trouble any more on my account, Debbie, it sounds as if the whole thing is over now,’ I said, but was unable to disguise a note of sadness in my voice. ‘I’ve plenty of other things to worry about with my transition, keeping an eye on Suzanne and also my Dad’s plans to come and see me in a fortnight.’

‘Sometimes people don’t know what’s good for them,’ commented Suzanne.

I sighed, but had no particular wish to continue on this subject, so I attempted to change it.

‘My Dad is still adamant that he wants to come up to London the Monday after next, and has even bought the train ticket so there will be no change of mind.’

‘How is he doing now?’ asked Debbie.

‘He seems to be recovering quite rapidly after the scare he gave us and his friend is looking after him, but whether he is up to such a long round trip in a single day is a different matter.’

‘What does he want to come for?

‘I’m not sure what he wants: he already knows about Clare and the way I live and has seen me most days on MSN, but whatever it is appears to be important to him.’

‘In that case you’ll just have to wait and see,’ said Suzanne.

‘I’ll meet him off the train and bring him here for lunch so you can meet him, and he can see where I live now.’

‘Yes, I should like to meet him.’

Our informal dinner party broke up soon afterwards as both Debbie and I had to work the next day and Suzanne found that she soon became tired these days.

---

These days I was no longer concerned about being out in the street dressed as Clare, and although I quite often received admiring glances, I was confident that nobody was seeing me as anything other than a young woman. I was also quite happy when dealing with people who came to our office, or those I dealt with over the phone. I quite enjoyed flirting with the messengers, knowing that in all probability they would never have the confidence to ask me out. I now dealt with any phone calls that came in and had even spoken to some people at Head Office who had previously dealt with Tom. I once even found myself answering a question as to what had happened to the young man who used to do my job. My two elder colleagues also now seemed to accept me as one of their female colleagues and were happy to share conversations with me on subjects that they would never have discussed with Tom. In fact they hardly ever made reference to my past. It was as if all trace of my previous life had disappeared, which was really how I wanted it to be.

I was quite busy working in the office mid-morning on Friday when my mobile phone began to ring. I looked at the display and was most surprised to see that it was from Andy. I was in two minds about what to do. I really wanted to talk to him, but the last thing I wanted was to be told that he didn’t want to see me again, when I was in the office and in front of my colleagues. I was not yet taking female hormones, but was not sure whether or not I would be able to control my emotions, so I sent him a ‘busy’ signal. He again tried to contact me at lunch time but Helen was eating her sandwiches and reading a magazine at her desk, so once again I didn’t take the call, but rather sent him a text saying: ‘Busy 'til 3.30 can u ring me later?’ I toyed with the idea of adding the word ‘luv’ before signing it but in the end decided just to add ‘C’. A few minutes later he texted back, ‘OK will do,’ which succeeded in leaving me in a state of great emotional turmoil and unable to concentrate on my work for the remainder of the day.

I cleared my desk and said farewell to my colleagues promptly knowing that Andy might ring at any moment. I’d just left the office and was in the street when my telephone rang once again.

‘Hi Clare, its Andy.

‘I can see that from the caller display,’ I replied, trying my best to stay cool and not give anything away.

‘I’m sorry that I haven’t rung you before now.’

‘It has been nearly two weeks,’ I replied.

‘Yes I know. I needed to think about things.’

‘And?’

He sighed.

‘Can we meet up again for a coffee?’

‘Andy, if you have something to say to me you can say it now, over the phone’ I said, preparing myself for the worst.

‘No I can’t. At least give me half an hour of your time.’

I guess I owed him that for taking me all the way to Sunderland.

‘Alright, when do you want to meet?’

‘Now, if you like? Would you be able to meet me at that coffee bar near to St Paul’s on your way home?

‘What about your work?’

‘Not a problem, I can leave early; they owe me plenty of time.’

I’ll have to ring Suzanne to warn her that I’ll be late home, but I suppose I could be there in half an hour.’

‘Good! I’ll see you then.

---

I always took trouble over my appearance when I went in to work, but I found a ladies’ toilet in a shop nearby just to make sure that I looked alright, as any girl would have done when facing a difficult interview. I looked fine, but I tidied my hair, refreshed my lipstick and brushed some mascara through my lashes just to be on the safe side, and to give myself the opportunity to prepare for our meeting. As a result I was a few minutes later than I’d said. Andy was already sitting down at a table in a corner of the café, far away from the other customers. He was looking quite anxious as I came over and took a seat.

‘HI Clare, can I get you something to drink?’

‘Black coffee, please.’

He placed the order, and also one for himself and we waited whilst our drinks were delivered to our table. There was an awkward silence and I was determined not to be the first one to speak. I was also determined that whatever happened I was not going to cry. As soon as the waitress had left I looked at him expectantly.

‘Sorry I didn’t phone.’

‘As I said on the phone, it has been nearly a fortnight, but I guess that was up to you.’

‘I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say.’

‘But now you do, so why don’t you go ahead and say it.’

‘Clare, I really like you ….’

He hesitated, looking for the right words.

‘I really like you but I cannot cope with who or what you are?’ I suggested.

‘I wouldn’t put it like that.’

‘OK then, how would you put it?’

‘It’s just that I thought we would just take things steadily and play it by ear, but then I started to get worried about the way in which my feelings for you were developing. Then we spent the night together and there was meeting your father who treated me as if I were your regular boyfriend.’

‘It was you who asked me out. I’m sorry the way things worked out; I wouldn’t have planned it that way. I had no idea my father would be taken ill just as we were about to go out with one another.’

‘I realise that but …’

‘But you are also frightened by the way you feel and what other people might think of you,’ I said finishing his sentence for him.

He blushed.

‘The first of those is certainly true. I feel in real danger of getting hurt by you.’

You’re in danger of getting hurt, what about me?’ I thought to myself but didn’t reply.

‘I don’t even know if there will still be a Clare in a few weeks’ time.’

‘Andy, I can assure you that once I’d told my Dad I’d gone beyond the point of no return. Tom is now dead. My friends, work colleagues and family all know that Clare is going to be here to stay. This week I have begun the process of formally changing my gender. In a week or two I hope to begin taking the female hormones that will change my body. I will also then change my name, and in time will apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate. It will inevitably be a prolonged process, but if you cannot deal with who I am and who I was whilst that is taking place, then it is better for us not to see one another, no matter how much we both might feel for the other.’

‘You look, sound and act so like a woman and I feel really attracted to you,’ he said.

As he did so his hand gently touched my own. I would like to have left my hand touching his but instead found myself gently withdrawing it. I was amazed at how calmly I was reacting although my feelings were in utter turmoil.

‘Andy, why don’t you admit that you are worried that I’m still physically a man, no matter how I feel inside?’ I said quietly so that there was no danger that we might be overheard.

‘It felt so good when we were in bed together on Sunday morning.’

‘It did so for me as well, but if you can’t come to terms with who I am then there can be no future for us.’

‘Can’t we at least remain friends with one another?’

I smiled.

‘What and go to the pub or a football match together? It would never work. Andy, I want to become a real woman, not half of one. If I have a boyfriend I want us to have a real relationship together. Maybe I’m expecting too much at this stage in my transition, but that’s the way I feel. If I can’t have that then I have plenty of female friends.’

This last point was something of an exaggeration, but he wasn’t to know. He didn’t answer and our conversation seemed to be going nowhere, so I decided to take a stand.

‘Look Andy, I shall not be going anywhere, so if you wish to renew our relationship you know where I am and how to get hold of me. But I won’t wait forever and if a better offer comes along in the meanwhile I intend to take it,’ I said picking up my handbag and leaving my coffee untouched.

I didn’t look back to see how he reacted to what I just said, but made my way to St Paul’s tube station. It wasn’t until I was on the train going home that I wondered whether or not I’d done the right thing

---

I told Suzanne about my meeting with Andy once I reached the flat and asked her what she thought.

‘If he can’t accept you for whom you are, then you are better off without him,’ she said.

‘I know that, but it is difficult for guys. They are brought up to bury their feelings and emotions and just live according to this macho code that someone somewhere has determined should be the way all men should live. It was hard enough for me to come to terms with my wanting to live as a woman; although I’d always known that I wasn’t happy living as a man.’

‘In that case all you can do is to give him a little time to come to his senses, but in the meanwhile you should get on with your own life.’

‘Yes, I intend to do that,’ I replied.

I was learning fast; men may be the physically stronger but it is women who usually hold the power in any relationship. Life as a woman was more complex than that of a man, but was also far more interesting.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 30 - A second appointment

The last few days of January and the beginning of February are a bleak period at the best of times. The weather is often cold and miserable and the hours of daylight are short. The prospect of spring still seems some time away. It is a time when memories of the Christmas and New Year celebrations begin to fade, but the expenditure incurred during the process has not been settled. But for my flat mate the spring of 2007 was going to be nothing to look forward to. No matter how much she tried to disguise the fact and act as if she didn’t care, Suzanne was depressed about her grim prospects and the fact that she now had to rely upon me for so many everyday tasks that she would have been able to manage on her own only a few weeks beforehand. For my part, I often didn’t know what to say or do to try and make things any easier for her, and was reminded of how helpless my Dad had seemed when they both knew that Mum was dying.

At least now that I was living as Clare I could show my emotions in a way that would not have been ’permissible’ for Tom to do. There were a few occasions when we simply hugged one another and cried. Suzanne even thanked me after the first time this happened, saying that the release of pent up emotion had made her feel better. Thereafter our relationship seemed to enter a new phase. Whereas up to that point she had been the dominant personality, deciding what we would do, I found myself imperceptibly taking over the role of the ‘parent’. We became much closer both physically and emotionally, rather like a mother looking after her sick child. I would often sit next to her stroking her hair and would always make a point of kissing her good night or when I left to go to work.

There was also the matter of Andy which I still had to come to terms with in my own mind but didn’t feel that I wanted to discuss it with anyone else. I had no second thoughts or regrets about what I’d said to him or how I'd walked away. Yet I also felt sad because I believed him when he said that he really liked me. But that was no good to him or me if he was unable to come to terms with my transgendered status. Would this always happen to me, every time I found somebody that I really liked? I realised that no matter how far I took my change of gender I would never be a woman in the true physical sense, but I had hoped that I might one day be accepted into the gender role which I now realised had always been occupied by my mind.

The only person of my acquaintance who remained at all cheerful during this time was Debbie, who was clearly enjoying her social life, and so she was a welcome dinner guest a couple of evenings each week who served to cheer up both Suzanne and myself. Dad continued to do well and so my internet contacts became less frequent, and our conversations less prolonged. On those occasions when I did ring I often found myself rather chatting with Vera, who seemed perfectly happy to accept me as a surrogate step daughter.

---

On Wednesday of that week I received a letter from the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic offering me an appointment, together with a patient information leaflet describing their services and what I could expect. I was a little disappointed that it was not going to be until the third week of February before they could see me, and the leaflet made it clear that I shouldn’t expect any decision or prescription after the first appointment. I suppose I was relieved that ‘things’ were at last beginning to move in the right direction, albeit rather slowly. By that time I would be nearly twenty-one and I felt that my youth was beginning to slip away from me. I’d also hoped that I’d be able to give Dad some concrete information about a timetable for my transition when he came up to visit me the following week, but instead I would have to be satisfied with merely telling him about my forthcoming appointment.

However, the following day I was busy at work when an unknown caller rang my mobile number. I fished it out of my handbag to answer.

‘Hello?’ I answered, without identifying myself.

‘Good morning, may I speak to Clare Simpson please?’

‘This is Clare Simpson speaking.’

‘Hello Ms. Simpson this is the Coordinator’s Office at the Gender Identity Clinic. I note you are scheduled to see Dr. Roberts on the 20th of this month. We have just had a last minute cancellation, would it be possible for you to come in tomorrow morning at 11.00 am instead? It will be a one-hour appointment.’

‘Oh,’ I said, both pleased and surprised by the offer. ‘I hope so, but I’d just like to go away and check with my manager and ring you back in ten minutes if I may?’

‘Alright, but please don’t leave it any longer or I’ll have to offer the appointment to another patient.’

I put down my phone and went straight over to Karen’s desk.

‘Karen, may I have a quick personal chat with you please?’

We went into the meeting room together and I closed the door.

‘Karen, I’ve just been given a really important hospital appointment at 11 o’clock tomorrow morning, but I’ve already had my day off this week, and I won’t be able to swap for next Monday as my Dad is coming up to town. Is there any chance that I can make up the time later?’

She could see from my manner and tone of voice that this was important to me.

‘Of course, if it is urgent you must go, Clare, but I trust there is nothing seriously wrong?’

There was no longer any point in keeping my intentions secret from her, especially as I might need her co-operation at a later date as well.

‘It is not serious in a medical sense, but it is really important to me. I’ve been offered a cancelled appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic and hope to begin my permanent transition to Clare as soon as possible. If I don’t go tomorrow, I’ll have to wait several weeks before I get another appointment.’

‘Does that mean you will be having a sex-change operation?’

‘It could do, but that would be some time away. It is more about helping me to live successfully as a woman and obtaining the female hormones that will prevent me from turning into a man.’

Karen was clearly surprised by the news, but not horrified or appalled.

‘In that case of course you must go and do whatever you need to.’

‘What about making up the hours that I miss?’

‘If you have the time you could call in at the office after your appointment to make up some of the hours and also repay us gradually over the next week. But don’t worry! I’ll cover for you if anyone wants to know where you are or what you are doing.’

‘Thanks so much Karen,’ I said excitedly. ‘I promise to make up the time as soon as I can.

I went back to my desk and proceeded to ring the clinic and confirm my attendance the next day. I was so excited by the prospect that there was no way I could keep my news a secret from Debbie and Helen who were also both in the office. Thus the rest of the morning was spent answering questions from all three of my colleagues about the clinic, about the process of gender transition and my hopes and ambitions to get a Gender Recognition Certificate making me legally a woman as soon I had been living as Clare for two years. I would then be able to get a new birth certificate as a female as well.

I also rang Suzanne at lunch time to tell her the good news.

‘That’s great Clare; I’m really pleased for you, and hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. I should like to see things settled for you before I die.’

---

As for my previous appointment with Dr. Underwood at Southall, I dressed myself with particular care and discretion the next morning, wearing a smart dark red skirt suit, and a pink blouse. As the weather was forecast to be cold and wet I also wore the winter coat that Suzanne had given to me and long medium heeled boots. I put on just enough makeup and jewelry to show that I’d gone to the trouble to look nice, but without going over the top. In fact I did everything I could to convey the impression of being an intelligent, thoughtful and attractive young lady, who was completely comfortable in her newly chosen gender.

‘What do you think?’ I asked Suzanne as I was about to leave.’

‘You look lovely my dear. If it was up to me, I’d let you have the hormones straight away and I’d sign you up for a boob job and the other operation next week.’

‘If only it were that easy,’ I said laughing, as I left the flat and then made my way to the underground station.

The clinic was in the Fulham Road, not far from Hammersmith underground station and so was a relatively straightforward journey for me. I arrived with plenty of time to spare, and was forced to do some window shopping to kill some time, although my mind was rather pre-occupied with my forthcoming appointment. When I did eventually arrive the receptionist was polite and friendly, making me feel at home as I nervously waited for my appointment. I’m sure she’d seen it all before. At last I was called in to see Dr. Roberts.

‘Good morning, Miss Simpson, please come in and sit down.’

He was in his late forties, quite distinguished looking and beginning to go grey. We shook hands and I was glad that I was wearing a fairly subdued colour of nail varnish which matched my suit.

‘Thank you Doctor, and please call me Clare.’

He smiled but didn’t return the same invitation to me. I guess they like to preserve some level of formality between Doctor and Patient.

‘Alright, Clare, I’ve read the detailed reports from both your GP and Dr. Underwood, but I should now like to hear from you. I should like you to regard today’s appointment not as an ‘interview’ or a ‘test’ but rather as an opportunity for you to talk with a sympathetic clinician about your experiences and needs to help us decide how best to move forward.’

‘I’m not sure what else I can tell you other than that I have never felt comfortable in the male gender, although for most of my childhood years I didn’t really know why. However, ever since I’ve been living as Clare, I’ve felt as though it was who I was meant to be. I felt more comfortable and at ease with myself. The more time that I spend living as a woman, the more sure I am that it is right for me. As to my needs, I don’t think I could ever now go back to my previous life, and I hope you will be able to help me live successfully as a woman.’

‘Both of the reports on you have commented about how well you appear to have fitted in to the female gender role already.’

‘Thank you Doctor,’ I said blushing slightly, ‘but I feel as if I’ve barely made a start on my journey to become a woman. I should really like to begin taking female hormones so that can I feel more like a woman and in future won’t have to rely on this padding all the time. Eventually I want to be able to be legally recognized as a woman, and perhaps one day to have a full physical relationship with a man.’

‘The clinic does offer hormone therapy funded by the National Health Service, but we will first need to satisfy ourselves regarding a number of questions to make sure that it is the right treatment both mentally and physically for you. Also you will need to have completed at least two of these one hour Assessment interviews before we consider it.’

‘Alright, I’ll do my best to answer your questions as fully and as honestly as I’m able.

‘I’ll be your lead clinician who will act as your primary carer throughout the time that you use our services, although I may also refer you to other specialist colleagues such as a psychiatrist, endocrinologist or speech therapist. In due course, if all goes well, I would also be in a position to carry out an assessment of you for a Gender Recognition Panel. Unfortunately the NHS does not provide for these reports so you will need to enter into a private arrangement but you will need to have been living as a woman for nearly two years before we need to worry about that.’

I nodded in acknowledgment and he continued to talk.

‘We may ultimately refer you for surgery to remove your penis and create a vagina and possibly you may also require breast augmentation, but we will only consider this after you have been on hormone therapy for some time. You should also realise that there is a waiting list of patients requiring such operations.’

‘Yes I understand Doctor, I have read the notes for patients.’

‘Good, so now let us begin.’

The next fifty minutes or so were spent going over much of the same ground as Dr. Underwood, although in more detail. He spent some time asking about my childhood and my relationship with my parents. I kept thinking to myself that I’d said all this before, although not, of course, to Dr Roberts. His questioning was quite probing but not aggressive. I did my utmost to remain calm, cheerful and thoughtful, when answering his questions although all the time I was feeling pretty nervous. I explained about my mother’s death and was pleased to be able to say that I’d recently visited Dad as Clare, and that he would be visiting me the following week. This seemed to go down quite well with him. I spoke about my work and the fact that my colleagues were now very happy to work with me as Clare rather than Tom. This also seemed to count in my favour. I went on to explain about my relationship with Suzanne and how I’d come to be living as woman in her flat, although I said nothing about who the original Clare Simpson had been. He didn’t ask about my new name, but just accepted that I would wish to change it as I changed my gender.

During the course of our discussion I observed that I seemed to have more friends and a more interesting life as Clare than ever I’d had as Tom. This led him to ask about boyfriends. I explained that I considered myself to be a heterosexual woman and that I’d once gone out for a drink with a guy, but I had been completely open about my physical status, and so it had come to nothing. He asked me what I thought about that, and I said truthfully that I was a little sad but accepted that it would be one factor that I would have to bear in mind with my transgendered status. He also wanted to know whether I’d so far experienced any other difficulties with living as a woman, and I assured him that I had not. I’d never been challenged or subjected to abuse or harassment. In fact, if anything people had been more polite and friendly to me since I’d started dressing as Clare.

‘Yes I can see for myself that you will have relatively few problems with your appearance and in your general presentation as a female. You are more fortunate in this respect than many of our patients.’

‘Thank you doctor,’ I said taking it as a compliment rather than an observation.

He smiled, then finished then put down his pen and note book .

‘Alright then Clare, I think that will probably be enough for today,

I felt quite relieved.

‘I think we have made good progress but I should like to see you again before we discuss any courses of action.’

I’d realised that this was the probable outcome of today’s meeting, although I’d half hoped that they might take on look at me and abandon all their usual procedures and go ahead and prescribe the oestrogen.

‘Yes, of course Doctor,’ I said trying not to sound disappointed.

‘So when shall we meet again?’ he said, consulting his desk diary.

‘As soon as possible, please,’ I replied.

He smiled.

‘I can offer you an appointment at the same time three weeks from today?’

I accepted and he made a note in his diary, but he could see from my reaction that I was a little disappointed by the delay.

‘If you like I’ll also ask my secretary to get in touch with you should there are any other cancellations.’

‘Yes please. I’m sure I could arrange to come in any time apart from next Monday when my father is coming to see me for the day.’

I thanked him again, and I left the office feeling that, all told, things hadn’t gone too badly for me.

---

I hurried back to work and arrived by 1.00pm so that I’d made up most of my hours by the time I eventually made my way home. Inevitably, though I had to recount the events of the morning to my three colleagues, and also Suzanne when she phoned in to find out how I’d got on.

‘So it sounds as if Clare is now here to stay,’ said Helen.

‘Absolutely, I would rather kill myself than ever go back to living as Tom,’ I replied.

I noticed that Karen and Helen exchanged significant glances with one another, but they didn’t say anything. Debbie didn’t seem at all surprised by my reaction.

‘I don’t think that that will prove to be necessary, young lady,’ she said.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 31 - Mum’s letter

I was at Kings Cross station on Monday morning with twenty minutes to spare before the arrival of Dad’s train from Newcastle upon Tyne. I therefore wasted forty pence just to go to the ladies toilet to check on my hair and makeup. They were both fine, as I knew that they would be, just as my outfit had been given the seal of approval by Suzanne that morning. I suppose it gave me something to do whilst I waited for his arrival. There were two thoughts going through my mind: why he had been so accepting of my new life, and what was it that he wanted to tell me urgently? Why hadn’t he tried to talk me out of my decision to live as Clare; ordered me to ‘pull myself together’ and even perhaps ‘take a cold bath’? After all, I was his only child and his only chance of ever becoming a grandfather and I was now planning to throw this away. I’d assumed that he’d been too ill to argue on the first occasion he met me as Clare, and that the arguments and recriminations might come later as he regained his strength. Yet we had spoken together on MSN several times since then and this had not been the case. He had simply accepted that whereas he once had a son, he now had a daughter. To judge from many of the transgender stories that I now read on an Internet story site, this was not the way it usually worked. Fathers were supposed to get angry, perhaps even violent, or feel demeaned in some way if their sons chose to reject their masculinity.

Then there was the matter of just what it was that was so important that he would subject himself to two three and three quarter hour train journeys just to come and see me in London for the day, in early February. I’d asked Vera if she knew what it was all about earlier that morning, when she’d phoned me to confirm that she’d just taken him to the station and that he’d caught his train.

‘Sorry pet, he didn’t say. I got the impression it was something to do with your mam and his former marriage and so I didn’t like to pry. He asked me to drive him over to his house yesterday so he could collect something that he was intending to take to you, but that is all I know.’

‘It is all rather mysterious. I just hope he doesn’t catch cold or tire himself out with the journey,’ I replied.

‘Yes, I know; men can be really stubborn at times,’ she commented and I had to agree.

I loved the way that from the day that I’d first explained to her about Clare, Vera had accepted me as a young woman and I suspected that this had helped my father come to terms with the situation. Vera could never replace my mother but all the same I felt she appeared to be a good influence on Dad.

‘Thanks so much for looking after him since he came out of hospital, Vera.’

‘Think nothing of it pet.’

I looked at my watch; it was almost 11.45 so I made my way to end of the platform where his train was due to arrive, just as it was pulling in to the station. A crowd of passengers soon began to alight and I watched carefully for any sign of Dad as they streamed past me. At last I caught sight of him walking slowly, carrying a small briefcase. Mum and Dad had left it quite late to get married and then it had taken them some time for her to fall pregnant with the result that there was a forty year age gap between us. Even so, he appeared to have aged an awful lot over the last two years. No doubt this was partly due to the trauma surrounding Mum’s illness and death and then, more recently, with his own health problems. He was no longer the vigorous middle-aged man that had brought me up.

I waved and then walked up to meet him half way.

‘Hi Dad,’ I said, kissing him on the cheek. ‘How was your journey?’

The kiss was something that Tom would never have done to his father.

‘Hello, kidda. It was fine thanks.’

He stopped to take a good look at me.

‘You know you make a canny looking lass.’

I blushed.

‘I do my best,’ I said taking him by the arm.

’So far so good,’ I thought to myself.

‘Let’s go find ourselves a taxi.’

‘You don’t want to be wasting good money on taxis in London, why can’t we take a tube train?’

This was the Dad I knew and loved, but he did have a point. A taxi from Kings Cross to Notting Hill Gate would be much more expensive and would also take quite a bit more time over the journey than simply hopping on to the Victoria Line and changing to the Central Line at Oxford Circus.

‘Alright then, I suppose it is only a five minute walk for us at the other end and it seems to have stopped raining.’

‘So where are we going, hinny?’

‘We shall be having some lunch at my flat, with my friend Suzanne. I’ve prepared us all a casserole and it has been in the slow cooker since 7.00am.’

‘That sounds fine to me, lass, but I do need to have a private talk with you.’

‘Don’t you worry, Suzanne has promised to leave us on our own after lunch, so we can have a talk. She will probably go to sleep. By the way what time is your train back?’

‘Five thirty’.

‘That should give us plenty of time to talk.’

Our tube train journey was spent checking up about the state of his health, asking about how things were progressing between him and Vera, and then explaining about my own domestic and work situation. He made no further comment that I was currently living and working as a woman. In fact there was no reference to Tom or to the fact that he had once had a son. This suited me for the time being, but I knew that there must soon come a time when the matter had to be addressed.

---

Our meal went quite well. Suzanne did her best to join in the conversation and be cheerful but even eating meals in company was becoming more of a struggle for her these days. Eventually I cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher, and then helped her back to her room for an afternoon sleep.

‘Alright Dad, I think we can both talk in private now. I know you are anxious to discuss something with me, but there is also something important that I need to tell you, and if you don’t mind I’d like to get that out of the way first.’

‘Go ahead lass.’

‘I think you should know that I had an appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic last week. Do you know what that is?’

‘Yes I do, he answered in a matter-of-fact way.

This came as a slight surprise to me, but I carried on without registering the fact.

‘I believe they will soon begin to prescribe a course of oestrogen for me. Once that happens there will be no going back to being Tom.’

I waited for the explosion of anger — there was none. Instead he spoke in quiet, measured tones.

‘You are sure that is the right thing for you to do?’

‘Yes Dad, I’m quite sure.’

He sighed.

‘In that case, all I can do is accept your decision, wish you luck and offer both you and your late mother a sincere apology.’

‘Why is that? What has this got to do with Mum?’

‘We both realised that you were not happy with your life as a youngster, and there was something troubling your mind. I suspected that you might be wondering if you were gay as you never seemed to have any special girlfriend. Your mother wondered whether your issues went even deeper and related to what she called your gender identity. She did a certain amount of research on both topics so that she would be able help you to come to terms with who you really are, when and if you eventually decided to ‘come out of the closet.’ However, she became seriously ill, herself, and for a while your problems were rather overlooked by the whole family. Once we realised that her condition was going to be terminal she wanted so much to talk to you about your future before she died. I was frightened that if she did so, it might put ideas in to your head, and that you might grow out of whatever feelings you may have had. I’m afraid that I talked her out of speaking to you on the subject, and am now bitterly regretting having done so.’

‘But you were not to know that I would one day discover that I was transgendered. I didn’t even know myself at the time.’

‘Yes, but we both knew that you were very unhappy, and were perhaps unwilling to face up to your own feelings. I’m now sorry that I deprived you of the opportunity of having your mother’s advice and support before she died.’

‘It would have been nice to have known that she understood and that I would always have her support no matter what I decided to do, or how I lived my life,’ I said.

There was an awkward silence for a few moments, before my father continued talking.

‘Shortly before her death, your mother managed to type two letters to you on her computer and I arranged for them to be printed out. One letter was written to you in the event that you would one day admit to me that you were gay and the other one if you should admit that you were transgendered. I promised that I would keep both letters a secret until one or other of them should be needed to pass on to you, and then destroy the other one. I have followed her instructions, and so here is the last letter written to you by your mother.’

He handed me a sealed envelope from out of his briefcase. I immediately recognised my mother’s handwriting on the outside: ‘To Tom, or whatever name you now use.’ I opened it and began to read.

14 May 2005

My dear child,

If you are reading this letter then it probably means that my long-held suspicions about you were justified and that you have not been happy living in the male gender. It is not easy for me to accept the fact that the body that your Dad and I provided for you does not correspond with the mind that is inside it, but the most important thing is for you to live a happy and fulfilled life. If that means that you have now decided to live your life as a woman, and will one day undergo surgery, then you must go ahead and do what is right for you. I am only sorry that I will not be around to offer you my support and to discover what a fine young woman you will undoubtedly become.

Your Dad has persuaded me not to discuss this matter with you before I die. In return, I have made him promise that he will learn all about your transgendered condition and do his best to accept you as the daughter that perhaps you should have been in the first place. He is a good man, and I am sure that he will keep his side of the bargain. It will be difficult for him after I die, and I hope that one day he will again find companionship. In the meanwhile I hope you will also do your best to help him come to terms with my loss and your new life.

As you know, I never wore much jewelry, but there are a few items left to me by my mother which I should now like you to have. I hope you will remember me when you wear them. I have asked your father to give them to you when he hands over this letter.

Your Dad and I were always proud of you as our son, but I am sure we would have been just as proud of you as our daughter. Keep well, and look after one another.

With much love,

Mum.

I read the letter two or three times before the contents fully registered.

‘Oh Dad, if only I’d known,’ I said dissolving into tears.

‘If only we’d all spoken about our feelings a little more,’ he said putting his arm round my shoulders to comfort me.

‘I would have so liked Mum to meet me as Clare, but I didn’t know what I wanted for myself, when she was ill. I only know that I didn’t want her to die.’

‘I know, Clare, but I am sure she would be happy if you and I can now make up for lost time.’

‘That’s the first time you’ve actually called me by my new name,’ I said, sniffing.’

‘It’s a nice name and suits you.’

My father reached in to his briefcase and handed me a dark blue jewelry case, and a brown box for a ring.

‘Your Ma wanted you to have these as well.’

I took them without saying anything and opened each in turn. The first contained a lovely sapphire necklace, with matching earrings, and the second contained a diamond engagement ring. I slowly put on each item in turn, first removing my existing earrings. Then, suddenly it all seemed too much for me, and I was overcome by the emotion and I began to sob. Geordie men are not renowned for showing their emotion, but Dad did his best to comfort me.

Once we had both recovered our composure Dad and I stayed chatting together about the past, the present and the future for the next hour or so. Time passed very quickly and before I knew it, Suzanne’s clock was showing four and it was time for us to think about him getting back to the station in time for his train.

‘You would be welcome to stay here in my bed tonight, if you like; I could sleep on the couch.

‘No thanks, Clare, I would not be able to change the ticket I’d booked and in any event I’d prefer to return to Sunderland tonight.’

‘Alright then, I’ll just have a look to see whether Suzanne is awake, so you can say goodbye to her.’

In fact Suzanne was still deeply asleep so we decided to leave her in peace and made our way back to Kings Cross.

On the way Dad told me that he would be moving back to his own home the following day as he was now fully recovered and no longer needed to attend the hospital as an out-patient.

‘I hope you stay friends with Vera though, I think she’s a good influence on you and I get on well with her.’

‘Don’t you worry about that, hinny; we have plenty of plans to go out together come the spring. Now you tell me some more about this appointment you had at the Gender clinic.’

I went through the story of my first assessment appointment and then explained that I was waiting for a second appointment in the next week or two. I reminded him that once I’d satisfied them that I was truly suffering from gender dysphoria and it was not just a passing whim on my part they would probably begin to prescribe me with the medication I needed for my permanent transition.

‘Would it help if I rang to say that your mother and I were behind you in your decision?’ he asked.

I smiled at the idea.

‘No I don’t think so, thanks. I’m an adult now and responsible for my own life, but I may just show them Mum’s letter to me at my next appointment.’

We waited for his train to be made ready and I saw him on board.

‘I’m so glad that you came today, Dad, and gave me that letter from Mum. Please don’t feel that anything in the past was your fault, it was just the way things happened.’

‘I’m glad that I came too, Clare. Good luck with your new life.’

I kissed him one more time and then left without looking back in case I became tearful once again.

The visit had been emotionally exhausting for me but it had been an important milestone in my relations with both my parents.

---

By the time I made my way back to our flat it was the height of the afternoon rush hour and so I had to stand all the way with my nose pressed against some guy’s armpit as we both held on the flexible overhead handles, to stop ourselves from falling over. I let myself in to the flat calling out to Suzanne as I entered the front door. There was no reply, so I assumed she was still sleeping. I took off my coat and boots, and put on some slippers and noticed that it was 6.30 pm. We would both soon need an evening meal but decided to make us both a cup of tea first. Five minutes later I took the tea to my flat mate only to find that her bed was empty.

‘Suzanne, where are you?’ I called out in alarm.

There was a muffled sound coming from inside the toilet. I tried the door, which was not locked, but I could only open it an inch or two. This was just enough for me to see that my flat mate had collapsed on the toilet and was lying on the floor, preventing me from getting in.

‘Suzanne, are you all right? What has happened?’ I asked.

A slurred voice responded.

‘Remember that you promised me that you would not call an ambulance.’

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 32 - Debbie calls in the cavalry

As soon as I’d realised what had happened to Suzanne I telephoned the district nurse.

‘It’s Clare, ringing about Suzanne Fisher; she seems to have collapsed in the toilet. I can’t get in to help her and she says she doesn’t want me to call an ambulance.’

‘Is she conscious then?’

‘Only half conscious, her speech is slurred and I don’t think she can move.’

‘Leave her where she is, I’ll be with you in ten minutes. I’ll also call the doctor.’

As soon as I finished the call I rang Debbie.

‘Is there any chance that you could come over as soon as possible? Suzanne has collapsed and it looks quite bad. She’s trapped in the toilet and I can’t get to her.’

‘Oh Clare, I’m so sorry. Of course I’ll come, but I’m on the other side of London so it is going to take me at least an hour to get to you.’

‘Thanks Debbie, any help would be really welcome.’

I tried to talk to Suzanne, assuring her that help was on its way and that we would soon have her back in her bed, but wasn’t sure how much she understood. It seemed like ages before the nurse arrived, although it was probably not much more than the promised ten minutes. She took one look at the situation and tried to talk to Suzanne, only receiving a mumbled response.

‘This is serious. She may have had a stroke. I think we’re going to have to call an ambulance.’

‘Suzanne was adamant that she does not want an ambulance, and does not want to leave the flat; it was the last thing that she said to me.’

‘I know, I’ll wait to see what the doctor says but we’re going to need to get her out of there as soon as possible.’

A few minutes later the intercom buzzer went, I pressed the entry button to the block without even checking who it was and then opened our flat door. Andy appeared at the door.

‘Debbie has just contacted me, and I came straight over. Can I be of any help?’

I invited him in.

‘My flat mate has collapsed and fallen behind the toilet door and we can’t get in to help her.’

He seemed to size-up the situation.

‘These internal doors are hollow and usually pretty flimsy. I could try and break through it if you wish.’

‘Alright, but please make sure that you don’t injure her further in the process,’ said the nurse.

‘I’ll be careful. Do you have any tools, Clare?’

‘There are a few in a box underneath the sink.’

I showed him where to find them and he armed himself with a large screwdriver and claw hammer. He shut the door on the latch and proceeded to punch a series of holes through the top half of the door until he was able to insert the hammer claw and begin to rip off pieces of the hardboard covering. By the time the doctor arrived there was a sufficiently large hole for a relatively small person to be able to crawl through.

‘Clare, you’re the smallest here, could we lift you through the hole? Then you might be able to pull Suzanne out of the way of the door.’

‘Alright, but let me take off this skirt first,’ I replied, and hurriedly found myself a pair of jeans.

Andy and the doctor gently lifted me up and eased me through the hole in the door, feet first, until I was standing on the edge of the toilet pan. I was then able to get down to the floor and carefully ease Suzanne out of the way of the door, so that Andy could get in, and I could get out of his way. Following instructions from the doctor, Andy gently picked her up carried her through to her bedroom laying her on the bed. The doctor and the nurse proceeded to examine her, whilst I waited at her bedside and they carried out their various tests.

At last the doctor turned to me and said: ‘I’m afraid your friend has had a stroke. She may recover some consciousness, but I’m afraid it’s a symptom of her underlying condition. It will be only a matter of time before she has another one.’

‘How long does she have left doctor?’

‘I cannot say for certain; it could be a matter of hours, or of weeks. I suspect that a few days is the most likely prognosis. I’m afraid she is going to need full-time nursing from now onwards. I could arrange for her to be admitted to hospital, but, to be honest, there isn’t a lot that anyone will be able to do for her now other than make her comfortable, and I understand she has expressed a wish to remain at home.’

‘Neither she nor I want her to go to hospital. I've promised to look after her for as long as she needs my help.’

At this point Debbie came in to the bedroom, having been let in to the flat by Andy.

‘Suzanne has had a stroke, I’m afraid she doesn’t have much longer to live,’ I said beginning to sob.

Debbie took me in her arms: ‘I’m so sorry Clare.’

‘I’m going to have to stay home and look after her now. Will you explain the situation at work tomorrow?’

‘Now don’t worry about work. I’ll tell Karen in the morning.’

Now that Suzanne was back in her bed and her condition had stabilized, the doctor and nurse began to get ready to leave us, promising us that one of them would call in the following morning.

‘Would you like me to stay with you tonight?’ asked Debbie.

‘Yes please, but what about your work clothes in the morning?’

‘Perhaps you could loan me something of yours to wear.’

---

With all the fuss centred around Suzanne’s bedside, I’d rather lost track of Andy, who had quietly withdrawn from the bedroom, cleared up the mess that both he and Suzanne had made in the toilet and had even found a piece of cardboard to nail over the hole in the door, so that anyone using it would at least have some privacy. He’d also let himself out of the flat at the same time that he admitted Debbie. I felt truly sorry that I’d not had the opportunity to thank him for his help before he left, but decided that I’d ring him to do so as soon as I got an opportunity.

---

Debbie slept in my bed, and I slept on some cushions in Suzanne’s room, just in case her condition should change for the worse. In the event it did not do so. It was not particularly late when we went to bed but I was in a state of both mental and physical exhaustion after my day with Dad and then finding Suzanne, so was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Debbie woke me with some breakfast at 7.30 the following morning, and after checking on Suzanne, I found her some of my clothes to wear to the office. She had to leave for work, just as the District Nurse arrived to check on the patient. Suzanne was still drifting in and out of consciousness, but I think she was aware of where she was and recognized me. Together the nurse and I helped her to have something to drink and I tried to get her to take something more solid but without much success. There was not a lot more that the nurse could do so she left me with the instruction to ring her if there were any further developments and the promise that either she or the doctor would call in the next day. By ten o’clock I found myself alone with Suzanne, but she was now sleeping and so I was inevitably lost in my own thoughts.

The knowledge of my acceptance as a transgendered woman by both my parents — the living and the dead — had been a comfort to me, although it was also tinged with sadness and a little regret about what might have been if my mother had been permitted to talk with me on this subject before she died. This revelation had been followed, almost immediately afterwards by the collapse of my dear friend. I’d known that Suzanne was dying for several weeks, and thought that I was prepared for the worst. Yet to find her in that state had been a profound shock to me. I knew now that she would never recover, but hoped there would at least be the opportunity for me to say farewell and tell her how much she had meant to me over the last few weeks. Then, to complicate matters even further, there was the arrival of Andy, just when we had needed him. If only he had stayed a little bit longer to give me the opportunity of expressing my thanks.

I was roused from my thoughts by the sound of the intercom buzzer.

‘Hello!’

‘Hi Clare, it’s Andy; I’ve come to fix your door.’

I suddenly became conscious that I’d not put on any makeup that morning and certainly looked a total mess, but I couldn’t very well keep him waiting outside. I let him in together with the brand new internal door that he'd brought. He could see my look of surprise.

‘Well I thought I’d better fix it as I’d punched a hole in the other one. I took the measurements last night and have been out to collect a replacement this morning.’

‘But what about your work?’

‘I think I’ve made enough money for the company in the last few weeks. It is high time that I took some time off and did something a little more worthwhile,’ he said in an off-hand way.

(It would be another eighteen months before the bank for which he worked went bust, but that’s another story.)

‘How is Suzanne this morning?’ he asked.

‘Not good, I’m afraid.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Yes, thanks.’

There was an awkward silence between us.

‘Andy, I’m not sure what we would have done without your help last night. Thank you so much, for everything,’ I said.

He blushed and looked at the floor.

‘Well …’

He’d been about to say something, but then appeared to change his mind and the subject.

‘I’ve brought some tools with me in the car. I’ll just put this door down here and go and get them.’

---

Andy spent the remainder of the morning removing what was left of the old toilet door and replacing it with another one, whilst I continued to check on Suzanne, dealt with various telephone calls from Debbie, Karen and my father and also surreptitiously smartened myself up a little. He did a surprising good carpentry job, for an investment banker, and even cleaned up after himself, taking the old door out to the rubbish skip. I offered to repay the costs of the new door but he wouldn’t hear of it, so the least I could do was to offer him some lunch. We sat down together a little awkwardly, neither of us knowing quite what to say. I was half hoping he might make some reference to our last meeting or our trip to Sunderland, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so. In the end, it was a relief when my mobile phone rang again. I answered assuming that it would be Debbie once again. It wasn’t; it was the Charing Cross Clinic.

‘Hello Ms Simpson, Dr. Roberts asked me to contact you if we had any last minute cancellations. Would you be able to come in for your second assessment interview at ten o’clock on Friday of this week?’

‘I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t do so; my housemate has just been taken seriously ill and I’ll have to stay with her. I’m not even sure that I’ll be able to make my original appointment in three weeks’ time.’

I was about to finish the call, when Andy touched my hand to attract my attention, signaling that he wanted to say something, and that I should ask my caller to hold for a moment. I did as he said.

‘If you have a hospital appointment, I could always stand in here for you.’

‘I’d be away for at least two and a half hours, possibly longer.’

‘No problem, I’ll take another day off work. I have plenty of leave owing to me.’

I hesitated, not knowing what to do for the best.

‘Just accept the offered appointment before it is given to someone else.’

He seemed quite genuine and persistent in his offer so I went back on the line and confirmed that I would be attending the clinic, noting the new date and time.

‘Thank you very much, Andy, that’s very kind of you.’

‘No problem! What time should I come round on Friday?’

‘Nine o’clock, please.’

‘Nothing serious, I hope.’

‘Pardon?’

‘Your hospital appointment.’

‘It was the Gender Identity Clinic, I’m beginning my permanent transition to a woman.’

‘Oh!’

He might have said something, or at least offered me good luck!’ I thought. ’He seems to give out such conflicting signals.’

---

By this time we’d both finished our meal. I cleared the table and he began to pick up his tools and got ready to leave. Once again there was an awkward silence. I really wanted to kiss him, but I was a girl now and mustn’t be seen to make the first move. I therefore hoped that he might kiss me, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so. Maybe it was me who was misreading the signals and I was trying to see something beyond what was simple kindness on his part?

‘See you on Friday then,’ he said.

‘Alright, and thanks again for everything.’

---

There was some slight improvement in Suzanne’s condition during the afternoon. I even managed to get her to eat a little broth and take a drink although she seemed to have some difficulty swallowing. I also gave her a wash and helped her to use the bedpan. She was even able to speak a few words to me.

‘What happened?’ she asked, in a slurred voice.

‘You fell over in the toilet, but you’ll soon be better again,’ I lied.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘My friend Andy broke down the door, but he has fixed it now.’

She attempted to smile.

‘Good, I liked him when we met. I’m glad you are friends again.’

I started to tell her about my meeting with Dad, but by then she was no longer listening so I sat with her stroking her hair for half an hour or so.

‘Thank you Clare,’ she said, at last drifting back into consciousness.

‘What for?’

‘For not letting them take me into hospital.’

‘Thank you, Suzanne, for everything that you’ve done for me.’

‘Would you mind if Andy kept an eye on you for an hour or so on Friday, whilst I go to the clinic?’

‘Of course not, you go ahead. I want to see you settled before I die.’

Soon afterwards she lapsed into unconsciousness once again, and I wondered whether this would be the pattern of her last few days of life.

---

Debbie called round again after work, to see how we both were. She even offered to stay the night again, but I told her that there was no point. After all she had her own life to lead. She promised instead that she would call in from time to time and maybe even bring her new boyfriend round one evening.

‘Thanks for explaining my situation to Karen, she rang me afterwards.’

‘So what is going to happen about your job?’

‘As ‘Clare’ had only been working since mid-January, there was no way I could qualify for any sick pay, but Karen said that she will try and manage with only occasional temporary help for a while. That way my job will still be open until ….’

‘Until after Suzanne has died,’ she said, completing my sentence.

‘Yes. I suppose so.’

‘How will you manage for money in the meanwhile?’

‘Suzanne paid most of the bills by standing order, including one for her credit card, which I will be able to use for telephone purchases. She also has an account to have her groceries delivered. I should be alright for a few weeks at least.’

(I didn’t mention the annuity monies paid in to Clare’s current account each month.)

Then, changing the subject, Debbie said: ‘I must say you have got that door fixed quickly. How did you find a builder so soon?’

‘Andy did it. He came round this morning with a new one.’

She smiled.

‘I’m glad that I thought to ring him last night. I knew he would be able to get here more quickly than me.’

‘I’m glad you did as well.’

She looked at me as if she was expecting me to say a little more on the subject of Andy and myself, but there was not a lot more that I could say.

---

Over the next two days I discovered that the job of a full-time care giver is not an easy one, especially if you are emotionally attached to the patient concerned. Everything is centred around catering for their physical needs. The carer becomes housebound, with few outlets for mental stimulation or outdoor exercise which might take their mind off the decline of their loved one. Suzanne had come to play a vital part in my life as a woman. She’d quickly become the big sister that I’d always wanted, my mentor and my best friend. But now she was almost entirely reliant on me.

There were intermittent periods of lucidity where Suzanne pointed out to me where to find her will and the various private papers, deeds and certificates that I would need as her executor.

‘There’s also a letter addressed to you, Clare, but only to be opened after I die.’

‘If we have anything to say to one another before we part I think it is better to say it face to face,’ I said, remembering the sadness associated with my mother’s letter to me.

‘Don’t worry, it is only detailed instructions, and my good wishes for your future life. I always intended to tell you how much I’ve grown to love you, Clare.’

With that she attempted to raise her head to kiss me. I leaned my face over towards hers to make it easier.

‘I’ve grown to love you, too, Suzanne,’ I whispered.

With that she again fell asleep, although with the trace of a smile on her lips.

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 33 - My second assessment interview

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 34 - Tying up loose ends