Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 1.

There’s days that I just hated my life and everything in it and there’s times where things just come right out of left field. Like the letter I’d been holding here curled up in the window seat of my chilly Montreal apartment.

I thought we were good, I thought she loved me and that she could handle who I really was. Sylvie just kept poking and picking away at my defenses, and It was just choking me off like a slow death not being able to be me.

It was just three nights ago…we went out, dancing, went to some clubs had too much wine. It had just happened….. I loved her or though I did, I trusted her.

“Morgan, my love, why do you not open up to me?”

“I am open with you honey, I let you in to parts of me no other girl has ever seen.”

“No, there ess something else non? I see eet sometime and you close up like ze jiant claw eef you think that someone see you with that face.”

“What face?”

“Thee face you have that say you are not here, you are off in some dream and when you come back there ees pain there. Please Morgan I love you.”

So that became the beginning of the end of us.

I had said. “Okay, but please, please don’t hate me….”

Then I had gotten up and went into our bedroom where I took out my stash of things from my hidey holes and took an hour to get dressed.

She loved the girl me.

And didn’t.

I fell into this thing where I honestly thought she still loved me. We sort of became lesbian lovers and I became the bottom. And I went through all the jumps through the hoops to get my transition started and while I was working and living outside our home in stealth home I was Sylvie’s girl.

Then like she became this bad villain out of a forced femme TG story she got even more domineering, and abusive. I think she was getting off on this emasculating mean power trip. It was like I was the venting for all of her frustrations against men.

The fact I loved her got less important.

The fact that I was never a man never seemed to sink in with her.

Then she brought a guy home, she wanted to have sex with him, she wanted me to dress up in some moronic maids outfit, she wanted me to have sex with him.

I said. “No.”

“Non, why not you are a leetle faggot nes pas, you like me and my toy in you.”

“No, I like making love with you and only you. I’m not like that.”

“Yes you are you know you want thees, now go geet dressed.”

“I said no.”

Then the guy grabbed me by the arm and said in French. “Go get dressed now you little bitch.”

I yanked my arm free and pointed to the door. “Get the hell out of my house.”

He slapped me and knocked me to the floor and Yelled at Sylvie. “I’m not going to take this, get your little fuck toy in line. I’ll be out in the car!” He left and I through the bottle of red we’d been drinking at him. I missed but it smashed when it hit the doorframe. I think I got him sprayed with the glass and contents.

That’s when She slapped me. Three times in a row as she was screaming at me. “I was doing this for US, but no you had to spoil this, like everything else you’ve done! I loved you, you were my girl, but you ruined our old relationship, you had to be this fake woman but I still loved you so I took my needs elsewhere and I was ready to share my lover with you…but you had to fucking ruin it!”

I looked at her face smarting tears running down my face and asked. “You’ve been with him since I came out to you?”

“Oui! You we’re a man anymore but I still loved you so I made it work, this was going to be the three of us!”

I screamed back. “You were cheating on me! I loved you, I wanted to make you happy dammit that’s why I put up with you’re bullshit!”

She screamed back. “I hate you! You ruined everything! Why couldn’t you just go along with it!? We would have been happy!”

“No, oh fuck no Sylvie, you would have been happy but you’ve been nothing but a nasty, angry person and have been taking it out on me. I’m not just some fuck-toy-punching bag for you and your ego-stroke!”

“I hate you!”

She punched me in the face this time and would have again but I caught her wrists and held them and forced her out the door.

She screamed and yelled and beat on the door and yelled for me to let her in. Then yelled for Steven. “I’m calling the cops.”

And she kept it up right up until the police came. We both got separated and she was charged with assault and yes I pressed charges. I had to go to the hospital to get some glass out of my foot and when she came to get her things there was an officer with her. She wasn’t happy with that but she had to abide by the TRO I got too.

Yes, I kicked her out and even though she took me to court over it I was the one in the police pictures take at the ER with the swollen face, the black eye and bruises on her arm.

She wanted me to be the bottom…well guess who got to stay in the house.

There might be a whole lot of religion in Quebec but they’re a very liberal kind of place too or at least in the cities. But while I was living in stealth I stopped after that, my lawyers idea. There’s this whole thing about hitting women they really from on here and even if it’s two women, and even if it’s me not being really that far along in my transition it’s just not done. Spousal abuse they called it even if we weren’t married.

………………………… So that brings me back to the letter.

*To Morgan Spencer

We have the unfortunate duty to inform you that you have been named the sole heir to the estate of your younger brother Mathew. We regret the timing but it had taken some time to find any of the late Mr. Spencer’s family. Many records were lost or damaged in the flooding we have had here earlier in the year. There is contact information enclosed ans will await your decisions regarding the property.

Sincerely and with our condolences.
Augustine Howell and associates. *

My younger brother had taken off and got into all sorts of adventures working all sorts of odd jobs all over the planet. When I told the family about my intention to transition they all sort of freaked on me except Mat.

Dad had gotten mad and quiet and told my mother to make sure I had everything I needed before I left. He’s still not talking to me. My sister is quiet about it and never said too much about it only she gave me funny looks. My older brother just lost his shit and called me a faggot and took his kids and left with his wife. He said he won’t come to any family even with me there. Mom was and is as stunned as dad but nicer about it. Actually she looked scared.

And after the stuff with Sylvie I can get why.

But Mat god bless him when I had told him over the phone he just kept right on talking about his work and the girls he’d been seeing and how much he really liked it in Brisbane.

His last words to me were. “I Love You Sis.”

Excuse me a bit I have to cry some more.

……………………….. It’s here looking at the letter I’ve made up my mind. I’m going there. Brisbane, Australia.

I know next to nothing about Oz as I’ve heard it called. Crocodile Dundee, Men without Hats, Midnight Oil, all the North American stereotypes but Montreal has just gotten too small for me. I know it’s a big city but there’s Me and Sylvie all over the place and I keep running into people we know and while there’s no drama and stuff.

I need a fresh start, I need something else.

God, scary though starting over again at thirty two.

I’ve got a few blessings though. I’m a radiologist, and that means a good chance of work anywhere. I own my apartment so There’s money there I’ll need to start over and some modest savings.

…………………. Two weeks later and I’ve got my surgical appointment…No not SRS I can‘t afford all of that yet but actually a chin implant…I‘ve always hat a weak chin for a man and from the before and after stuff I’ll get a nice normal female shape to my face. Nothing major but it’d make a big difference to me. I’ve got a serious dental one too. I want to get all the dental stuff I’ve put off for too long done and I really want and am getting those porcelain veneers. I’ve really wanted a nice smile. And I’m finally growing my hair out.

I’ve landed a job in Brisbane at Mater Hospital and I have to be there in four months to start. I was even given a travel bonus from them too. Even my trans-status wasn’t a problem. I submitted that along with my resume.

That was scary.

The visa’s and passports and work permit all are pretty boring stuff and standard fare but there’s a lot of other details in selling my place, dealing with my things. I’m not taking a lot actually. I send word to my brothers lawyers and get them looking for a storage place for my things and send them off ahead of me. Just my books, movies, my records and some beloved knick-knacks.

I’m heading to Vancouver in a week then overseas, I’m going to Hong Kong and Tokyo as a bit of a mini vacation before heading to my new home, my new start, and my new life.

Just thinking about it I’m really scared, excited but scared.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 2.

Chapter 2

God things came around so fast instead of going someplace else to get myself sorted out I made appointments with different places here in town. Alright I’m a bit vain I guess and I decided that if I’m really going to do this and everything that I was Really going to do this.

So it was me going under the knife and spending more cash than I wanted to. Boobjob, I was sort of always intending to just go with what god and the blessed hormones gave me but honestly I was looking to make an impression. So between what I had grown myself and the good doctors I got myself a set of big full breasts. A set of 36DD’s actually. That was the easy part actually and I even shelled out for this skin grafting thing now that really hides the scars. I can only tell where they are because I know but my doctor said it’d require a medical professional to notice them.

The rest was the hardest. I’ve a nice voice anyway a light spoken buy the hormones and my transition left me with a decent contralto voice even if I can’t sing. But the hardest was the stuff for my face. I wanted a nice smile so I got my dental work all done and fixed and up to date and then porcelain veneers.

That was a nightmare because I really hate going to the dentist. But I was lucky and was knocked out the whole time. I had a chin implant put in. As a guy I had a shallow weak chin, it wasn’t that bad really it had just not really been manly. It didn’t look to bad when I started my transition but I’d always wanted that really female oval face and to go with that I got a nose job.

I’m not raving drool over beauty. But I’ve got a natural looking female jaw line now and it sort of pulled stuff into place sort of so where I had sort of those big dimples that go with the weak chin look they’re now rather nice cheekbones or rather since I’ve never really looked like this rather female cheekbones. I’ve got a cute female button of a nose and on a whole I sort of look like a bit plainer version of Renee Zellweger. My hair’s longer and I’m not all squinty eyed like she seems to be half of the time.

Oh and I’m blonder too, more of a honey blonde with a few “Natural” silver highlights. I’m not going to dye it either.

I did shell out a good deal of money though on my glasses. I need and wear glasses to see while reading and for work but I wanted something new so I bought six pairs of varying designs so I could go from work and looking serious to maybe looking cute and sexy.

I researched Brisbane while I was in recovery and I’m more than a bit daunted by the whole thing. I’ve heard of it but I mean what I know about the place really was sweet f-all and it was really kind of stunning to find out that this city was that big a deal.

I had no idea that nearly two million people lived there. Wikipedia was a good starting point actually I mean I know, it’s full of BS but there’s lots of stuff to learn at the same time and all these things you can look up. Like there’s a significant Chinese population there, enough that they have a real Chinatown.

That’ll be good, I loved Montreal but the food here is French, then Italian, then Middle Eastern and Jewish in about an equal mix and then the rest. I had really good Chinese in Toronto once on a union thing there and well I’m figuring being on the Pacific and all they’re a heck of a lot closer so they should have better Chinese.

But there’s South African there which is sort of Dutch? And Spanish and like a whole bunch of people from the UK there so I’m moving to a bigger sort of melting pot than I’m used to and I buy a bunch of language books to study and learn. It might be nice to be able to say more than happy New Year to someone in Chinese and more than Ola in Spanish. Besides it might help me with my patients once I get working.

I speak Canadian…yes it’s called English and that’s wrong in my book. To me English people should be the ones who get to say they speak English. The rest of us just speak dialects of it.

Of course I speak French, both text book you need this to work in a provincial hospital French and of course Montrealer. Yes another dialect. I’m from New Brunswick, the next province east of Quebec and we don’t speak Quebec French, Montreal people don’t speak Quebec French.

Montrealer you get swore at in English sort of and the odd filthy word of Arabic or Farsi thrown in and flipped off with a Jewish or Italian hand gesture and it’s all finished with a loud “T’bernacle!”

I know some other stuff like a bit of ASL sign language and A bit of German from high school but that’s about it.

I guess I’ve been talking so much about Montreal because I left it…

…………………….. Vancouver, British Columbia.

I really hate to say it because the west coasters are a bit smug about how nice it is out there and I have to say unfortunately they’re right. I went out because it’s my best connections to get to Australia and the far eastern countries and to recover from my surgeries and even actually do a few things.

It is lovely here just looking out at the Pacific and then over to the mountains and all that forest.

I did some shopping, some clothes but a bunch of native art and stuff that’s be a different kind of unique over there. I do buy one of those great tasseled buckskin jackets for myself.

I saw Victoria Island and took lots of picture of the gardens and the parks and just spent a week seeing the sights and shipped off the stuff I had bought there and left Canada for Hong Kong.

………………………. Hong Kong.

I got lost within ten minutes and hadn’t even gotten out of the airport. The sheer crush of people actually sort of freaked me out. There’s not a lot too tell really, I was finally rescued by my tour group and we seen the sights. A few temples that I actually liked being at even though with so many people and the joss sticks of incense the smoke was nice smelling but intense at times. I’m not sure of the temples name but there’s a picture or ten of me with this thirty some odd foot Buddha.

I went to this big zoo and we got to see a whole lot of animals but I did love the pandas and got to feed them some bamboo. My favorites though were these tiger cubs there and I was really lucky and got some nice pictures and the woman there even took one of me with a cub on my lap. The cub might have been still young but she weighed thirty pounds easy.

We got to eat at a lot of places and even went to the night market I had scorpion on a stick and seahorse there and had yam ice cream. Honestly the ice cream was the oddest thing to me.

And again…I shopped. If I’m really going to be me did you thing I wouldn’t get some of the local fashions. I got some nice Chinese dresses even to wear in fun but the malls there had cutting edge nice stuff that wouldn’t hit home at all maybe.

$2300.00 odd dollars damage to my MasterCard.

I was only there three days! With everything else I figure I spent a thousand dollars a day.

Honestly I don’t care either. I can well imagine that I’ll likely never do this again so…f-it, life’s too damned short.

…………………………..Japan.

I’m going back to Japan, I have to.

Hong Kong prepared me for the press of people as I hooked up with my tour company. It took a week and I actually spent less per day than in Hong Kong.

The shopping was good but expensive. The food was good and so were the tours but the thing that I liked about Japan, about Tokyo was there’s this TG sort of ambiguousness in the pop culture and the street culture and I had gotten clocked/found out but also hit on three times while I was there and the tour guide Daniel told me.

“They’re a bit more easy going with these things here in Tokyo. The rest of Japan it varied but it’s a lot less than some other places.”

“So I’m not really seen as a freak here?”

“No, it’s not see as the mental issue here it’s more of a medical thing here, they had a T-Lady run for office her openly even.”

“Haven’t seen that home yet.? But I’m still surprised that they are that uhm... Friendly?”

He laughed. “Morgan it’s not that you’re transgendered?”

“It’s not?”

“No more likely it’s because you’re blonde with big breasts, both are quite the thing over here.”

“Really?”

“Yes and I happen to be an avid fan myself.”

Daniel kissed me and it wasn’t the first kiss I’ve ever had with a guy but it was the best. And my last night in Tokyo I didn’t spend time in my hotel room but in his small apartment but on his very nice but odd Japanese bed.

Daniel wasn’t big, he was well educated, clean shaven, well spoken and sort of just right at five eight and maybe a hundred and seventy pounds. He was uncut and he was my first man, living man I’ve even been in front of naked.

He was the first man I’ve ever been with and I’m still not sure how to feel about it. The ex used a toy on me for a long time but Daniel was flesh and bone (Snicker.) It was a one night stand really with a nice breakfast afterwards and he even took me to the airport.

I’ll say this, he was nice to me.

And that was very nice for a change.

I liked the city, I want to see more of it someday, more of Japan…sigh.

……………………………………..Brisbane.

It was a long flight but when they announced our approach I couldn’t help but to look out the window down at this way bigger that in my head city. The bridges the highways and all of it was so much the same yet so different.

I’m scared and part of me is hurting because as much as this is where I’m going to start my new life, it where my brother died.

He loved it here.

I want to love it here.

I need this, I really need this.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 3.

Chapter 3

You’d think that I’d never been in an Airport before but I’m here. I’m actually here and I can’t help but look around…smell the air, it smells completely different here. I mean there’s the city smells, diesel and gas, cars, pavement and all the other stuff but the sea so close, and different grasses and bushes and trees. This is a country where broad leafed plants actually grow out in nature and not in an atrium somewhere.

I get my luggage and get stopped at customs and there’s of course a thing about my gender on my ID but it’s not as bad as I though it might get and I’m still listed as male on my drivers license and passport even though my photo’s don’t match anything remotely being a guy.

All it takes is a few calls to the law offices handling my brothers estate and the hospital to check things out and they’re actually pretty friendly. I get my luggage and get a cab. The cabby’s a nice enough guy but wow I’m going to have to get a handle on how they speak around here.

“Where to hey?”

“Howell and associates please.” I look at the address on the letter they sent me and he nods and starts driving.

“So yer an American then?”

“God no, I’m Canadian.”

“Same thing isn’t it?”

“No where close actually, we’re still part of the Commonwealth.”

“On vacation then yea?” I’m noticing they clip off some of the vowel sounds here, Yeah to me sounds like yeh to me. Still better than the elongated vowels they use in New England like Paaaaaark and Caaaaaar instead of Park and Car.

“Oh…sorry I was thinking.”

“On vacation then yea?”

“No, I’m moving here. Starting over I guess.”

“Well you could have picked a nicer place really miss, Brisbane’s a nice city all things considered. Been in a lot worse myself.”

“It’s different that’s for sure. My brother loved it here. That’s part of the reason why I’m here.”

“How’s that then, you’ll be staying with him I suppose?”

“Sort of he died awhile back and I was left his place and stuff.”

“Oh sorry to hear that, what happened if I can ask?”

“He fell asleep behind the wheel driving I think he hit a tree. Thank god he never hit anyone else, he’d have hated that.”

“He sounds like he’d be a good fella.”

“He was, even now it feels like Matt’s looking after me.”

We get to the law offices and he helps me with my bags and I pay him thirty A$ (Aussie dollars.) having gotten some of my money exchanged while at the airport. Told him to keep the change it was a pretty steep cab fare but this isn’t Montreal this is a bigger city and much more spread out in comparison.

I only have my carry on and a pull bag with me plus my purse everything else was sent here to a shipping company.

I head inside and make my way to the receptionist this lovely little asian girl.

“May I help you Ma’am.” She asks and it’s so strange to hear the local English or whatever they call it coming out of someone I think should have an oriental accent of some kind. It one of my things, I have a hard time seeing some nationalities speaking French too. I’m not like offended it’s just something I’m never expecting.

“Morgan Spencer, I’m expected but I don’t have an appointment.”

She does some typing and looks at me, looks me over and types some more. She smiles at me after a few moments. “Mr. Howell will se you as soon as he is clear from some current business, may I get you a refreshment? Coffee, a biscuit?”

“No thanks I’m fine for now.” Biscuit? Does she mean a biscuit or like a cookie?

I sit and wait awhile before this older fellow comes out talking with another fellow and then he looks me over. Well both of them do and their eyes hang onto my chest. I give them a shy look but don’t overly encourage either although the older one has an odd look on his face.

“Hello there you must be Ms. Spencer, I’m Augustine Howell but you can call me Auggie. Won’t you come this way to my office and let get you sorted out luv.”

Luv? Oddly I don’t mind that it fits him and down here too. Or is it just here now that I’m here. Auggie seems like a nice guy. Heading to sixty more than likely, portly with a big old square head on him and big arms and hands to go along with the beer belly. Just by the size of him I’d have to say he did a lot of rough work to put himself through law school.

Lots of nice books and odds and ends in his office and lots of pictures too he’s got a lot of official things in frames on his walls too. Old school office too, lot’s of leather and lots of hardwood furnishings.

“Please have a seat.”

I take a chair and slip into it. “I’ll need to see your papers of course Ms. Spencer.”

I take them out from my travel bag and we go over them together. Since he’s been handling the estate I’ve had him working on my work visa and to find out the things required for me to become an Australian citizen.

“Now as to your status and your gender.”

“What about it?”

“Are you going to pursue SRS in the near future?”

“I wasn’t sure on that yet…it’s a big decision and I thought I’d just table it until how things turned out and got clear in my head.”

“Clear?”

“I was in a long term relationship with another woman that turned sour, but recently I had an encounter that made me question my sexual orientation.”

“Oh, I don’t think the details are need right now.”

“Oh, good because honestly I am just looking forward to finding out who I am and getting my life on track before I can see myself in any kind of relationship.”

“Smart and sensible, are you sure you’re related to Mathew then?”

I laugh. “Mattie was the rogue child in my family, always looking for something new and exciting to do or learn. Actually your letter was a double shock to me because I’d have never thought Matt would be a home owner.”

“Well, there was a rumor he won the place in a wager.” Auggie smiles and laughs. “It is Brisvegas after all.”

“I’ve read up on it a little.”

“Now don’t you believe half of what you read, Brissie’s the best city to live in in all of Australia.”

“But you’re just a bit biased about that.”

“Oh just a little.” He winks at me. “Now your brother had left behind some funds and such but seeing the house had seen some damage from that damned flood I thought it best to hire a workman to fit the place up.”

“That’s okay, I said that you should use any discretion towards the property and the estate that way. Was there a lot of damage?”

“Basement was flooded and there was water damage on the first floor and some on the second where the storm put a tree through a bit of your roof.”

“Ouch, expensive?”

“Oh not bad, I hired my sisters, sister in laws boy and he’s been a pretty good worker.”

“So when can I see it?”

“We’re just about done here so, I’ll drive you over if ya like?”

“I’d appreciate that quite a bit thank you. Oh and Auggie?”

“Yes luv.” I can’t help it that just makes me smile.

“Find out what I’ll need to get my license to drive over here and make the arrangements please.”

“My pleasure, a bit different than Montreal I take it then?”

“It’s like a whole new universe here, just what I needed honestly.”

He guides me out and he puts my bags into this minivan. I give him the eyebrow. “No luxury sedan?”

“No, too much a tax on the luxury cars really and no use having one with five grandkids and all. “

I laugh again. It feels good y’know. “I can see that one can of pop and a cone of chocolate ice cream and all that extra cost just jumped up into a big cleaning bill.”

“Exactly.”

He’s still a gentleman and handles my bags and opens the door for me. It’s the little things that are really nice to feel. I’m smiling as we take a bit of confusing drive to where my house is. Where Mathews house is.

I’m in some place called Chapel Hill, in Bynoe Close and it’s not really a two story place but more like one of those split level bungalow types. The yard’s a mess and there’s piles of cut up tree and stuff here and lumber and building things under tarps over there and a generator chained up to this metal post in the front of my carport. I was expecting a garage really because no one has carports anymore back home.

The roof is on thankfully and it looks all new. I see a lot of garbage in one of those rental dumpsters mostly from inside the house. Drywall and the like. Auggie looks around. “Seems like Rudy’s out likely on a supply run. Will you be alright here? Or would you like me to run you to a motel or a hotel?”

“No, I’ll be fine here.”

He hands me the keys to the house and his card. “My house number is on here too and the wife’s phone too if yea have any troubles.”

“Thank you Auggie, you’ve been more than a lifesaver, you’ve been a saint.” I tippy toe and kiss his cheek and he blushes like a tomato.

“Gwan, wit yea….” he smiles though and his eyes shine so sweetly, there’s this light there that honestly…yeah, his wife feel in love with those eyes. I’m smiling too as I wave at him leaving and a bit scared and nervous I put the key in the door and head inside.

Oh…

It’s trashed, well it’s gutted, and there’s this scent to the place? Eucalyptus? Tea tree oil?

Most of the water damaged stuff’s gone and there looks like new electrical is being put in and there’s boxes of stuff all in the upstairs likewise gutted except for the master bedroom and the bathroom in there. It looks though like the carpets been tore out and that someone put in a click together hardwood floor recently.

I put my things in there and wait for this Rudy to show up which he never does and that led me to have a fast nervous shower and to find some of Matt’s clothes to wear to bed. I end up with a pair of ratty old sweat pants that I really had to tie to fit and one of his t-shirts. Either he grew a hell of a lot or I’m smaller than I thought I was. I had no trouble getting to sleep actually with everything that had gone one with me lately.

I’m woken up by the smell of coffee before the sunlight filters into my brain.

I carefully make my way downstairs and follow my nose out back.

Okay…I have a big yard, well huge really compared to not having one before. There’s more stuff tarped and I have a deck? It’s really a platform of bricks about four layers high with a four foot brick wall around it and a built in fire pit it seems and there a a radio playing some music and food on the pit cooking.

Bacon cover in pepper cut like right off the rasher? Is that right? Well it’s cooking and sizzling away and the coffee smell’s coming from one of those stovetop espresso pots and there’s a dutch oven there too.

And this guy.

Ow my bunny. (Yes really that’s what I’m calling my insert guy spot.)

He actually makes me ache.

No one in my life’s made me ache before.

He’s six four, and built, arms as big as my thighs and an ass…muscular even his back, with a plain grey t-shirt on faded jeans that are just…and shoulder length wavy blonde hair under this straw cowboy hat that’s got the sides curled just right.

“Uhm…Morning?” I say.

He turns around and the front is every bit as good as the back. Blue eyes kissed with grey and clean shaven, tanned, nice nose just right and a string jaw but not like the whole thug look no…just right really. Then he smiles at me.

“Morning, I was hoping not to wake you up. Y’must be Ms. Spencer.” his eyes flickers over me, twice over my chest. Oh dammit, my nipples are poking nearly through my t-shirt. Why didn’t I wear a bra?

“Uhm…Morgan’s fine…you must be Rudy?”

“That’s me, you fancy some breakfast?”

“Uhm sure. I’d love some of that coffee.” I try to finger comb my hair and arm cover my boobs at the same time. He smiles again. God damned he’s got a sexy smile.

He pours me some coffee and gets a plate, apparently my kitchen’s been relocated out here. Then he cuts me this thing…kind of like a short biscuit like you’d make for strawberry shortcake. It smells good. “Uhm is there any brown sugar?”

He gives me an odd look and finds some. “Will demarara do?”

“Yes thank you.” I put some butter on my thingy and then the brown sugar and he’s watching me head tilted like a confused puppy.

“You…uhm don’t put brown sugar on a damper.”

I take a bite of mine. “Oh…why it’s good.”

“You put golden syrup on it.” He holds up a bottle. I lean over looking at it.

“Looks like corn syrup to me.”

“It’s not, here.” he cuts through his damper? Cutting it in half and he really liberally butters it and he pours the syrup over both sides. It looks drenched. He cuts me a piece and a bit of his bacon on the same fork. Then feeds…..oh my….feeds it to me his palm under it to catch any drippings.

It’s flaky, butterery but there’s this taste of the syrup like corn syrup have a fair haired lovechild with molasses and this was somewhere in between the two and then I’m hit with the bacon’s salty, smoky peppery loveliness and those eyes of his. Between Rudy to dream and die for looks and him feeding me and the foodgasm I think this is the best mornings of my life in a long long time.

God I think I'm going to love Brisbane.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper 4.

Chapter 4

Have you ever had one of those times where it’s reality and yet it’s so not? I’m sitting here all bed messy with this stunning guy that just being near him makes me breathy and he’s feeding me Hot damper with butter and golden syrup on it and it’s good, he’s good and…

How? How can this guy be real? I’ve know construction guys and contractors all my life and Rudy is nothing like them.

You ever meet someone with an aura like hot spices in a pan. That holy it’s hard to breathe thing…or remember to breathe thing.

It all happens in and instant and ends when I realize I’m getting chewed on by the bugs.

“Wow…okay…that’s a lot better than I thought.”

“Well, Y’know you’re in Brisbane, things are always better than y’think.” He winks at me and takes out this tube of cream. “Here use somma this now, it’ll get rid of the worst of the bugs.”

I take it and smell it and I think I smell teatree oil? Citron oils? I start putting some on and turn around when I slide my hands under my top and rub some on my breasts. Oh hell it’s just made thing feel all hot and bothered a bit worse and should I have even done that with my back turned in front of this guy…I mean I really don’t know what the guys are like down here and really for my age my knowledge of guys is kind of sparse anyway.

But the flies are pretty bad and everything and have you ever had bad bug bites on your breasts. I have and that’s not the greatest thing to experience.

But he’s got this I’m just eating my breakfast thing going on all innocent and stuff until I can see between the bites of his food he’s trying to hide a smirk.

I blush a little. “Enjoyed that?”

“Streuth, I did.”

“Huh?”

“It means yes, I did.”

“Oh…you do know that I’m not a genetic girl…”

I want that up front and out of the way so that if he’s going to be an asshole about it I’ll know and I can get him replaced by someone else. Rudy just looks at me. “Yeah I heard that was the case and all but even if you was as bristly as a razorback you’s still be a girl and all of that.”

He smiles as he talks like it just part of his demeanor to be cheerful and stuff but her gestures with his fork like he’s using it to conduct his sentence. It’s endearing.

“You’re so sure of that are you?”

“Looky here mate, any person that’s going to get surgery and be taking pills and all sorts of stuff to be a woman instaid of staying a bloke ain’t never was a bloke to begin with in the first place. I mean that just common sense right you’d have to be one daft pelican not to get that I figure.”

“That’s pretty enlightened you know, thanks Rudy it’s kind of a relief that you get it.”

“Aww, of course I get it Morgan it’s not all that hard to get plus it’s part of the job description.”

“Job description?”

“I’ll have you know that any good builder work his salt isn’t just looking off into space or just sitting back having a beer there’s a lot more going on there y’know.”

“Like what?”

“Well like Joseph, he was a carpenter and it wasn’t just the words of God that made that lad turn out so well.”

“So carpenters are right there with god are they.”

“Strewth love, we both build things that are beautiful and wonderful and while we’re doing all of that we’re looking to figure out the mysteries of the universe.”

“All with a tool belt showing off the crack of your butt?”

“Prices need to be pain love, prices need to be paid.”

I laugh and it feels good…I’ve never bantered like this in so long and really…”Strewthfully” I’m not sure I’ve ever had that much fun doing that before and certainly not while I’m having breakfast.

He takes the dishes and puts them in this sink/table thing that looks like it might have been a laundry sink from my basement and starts doing the dishes. He’s got tube piping going to what I’m hoping the sewer outlet is.

“So that’s from my basement right? How bad’s the damage.”

“Well you got yerself a right good bog.”

“Wait…doesn’t that mean the toilet or the sewer?”

“And that’s what you have. Whoever did some of this work for your brother took him for a ride and didn’t know what he was doing. It’s a right mess that needs pumped out and dried then filled full of cement.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, with the floods its all way too soft and the concrete walls have started falling apart because the fella that made them made too thin. You’ve got your entire foundation all a mess and unless you get her in good and solid…”

“My second floor window might become my fight floor window?”

“Right, exactly. Your brother was a decent fella but we don’t really do basements hereabouts Y’know.”

“Oh I’m sure Matt was likely even told that but sometimes when he gets….when he’d get…an idea in his head he’d just run with it.”

I stand and try to breathe through that lump there thinking about Matt, he was so full of life and doing stupid stuff like that and I’m trying not to cry when I feel these big strong hands on my arms and Rudy just gently turns me around and pulls me into his chest and then his arms slip around me into this great big hug.

I…

I lose it.

It just…this was my brother, my Mattie and I’m swamped by all these things that I’ve really been trying not to think about. Like when we were kids and all the great times then…I’ve sealed that time off inside because I wasn’t me then but especially after Matt died because the rest of the family just…

The excited little boy he used to be, the crazy kid that built ramps for him to jump his bikes off with his friends and break his arm for the first time that got me fascinated in x-rays and stuff that it became an option for me afterwards…I helped teach him to drive…he taught me how to snowboard…

It all comes tumbling out and I think I’ve never really cried like this because I never felt safe enough to.

Rudy…there’s just something kind and honest about him. Strong and he knows and as much as he jokes it just doesn’t matter what I am and he’s just being there and holding me.

I try and get a hold of myself. God I’m a mess and I’m sort of leaning back and pulling away to rub at my eyes. “God, I’m so sorry Rudy, I just don’t know…just talking and thinking of him and it just got to me.”

“Hey, no worries right? Matt, he was a good lad yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“Was he worth crying over?”

I look at Rudy and my throats closing up again with feelings and I just nod a lot.

“Then for God’s sake woman cry, yer allowed to, yer supposed to.”

I’m start to cry again and I’m looking at him and he pulls me back to his chest and the safety of his arms.

Permission to cry…

I’ve never had that before, not even from myself.

Rudy actually leans from side to side rocking me.

Then he’s singing really softly….to me…softly to me and that accent and the song…I just I’ve heard it a lot really but some how it means more right now than I’ve ever felt it and it just makes me cry all the harder and hand on a little tighter.

“The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother…”

It’s like I can really let it out and that somehow Rudy and I are having our own private funeral here in the backyard of my brothers home and it’s like I’ve been pulled here…I just…

There’s no words that really do justice to the clouds seemingly just drift away from the sun and the light just seems to shine out and make everything right and clean.

I’m supposed to be here right…nothing has ever felt like this before. God what is it about this place?

Brisbane…I haven’t even been here a day and I think I’m finding…

Everything….

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 5.

Chapter 5

It takes me awhile to get myself under control under Rudy’s watch he did set me down in a lawn chair and he got me a cup of the pretty decent coffee he had made for breakfast and I sipped at it while getting to watch him work and actually just kind of let this place sink in and sort of displace some of the stuff that’s been built up inside.

It’s kind of like sitting here sipping my coffee let me see where I’m at. Brisbane, Australia…so far removed from where I’d been living and so much cleaner feeling than what I had left. There’s a handsome guy working and measuring and cutting boards…and while he’s really, really damned fine to look at he’s fed me breakfast, made me coffee and held me and been right there for me when I broke down and cried.

Canadians are a pretty friendly bunch depending on where you go but so far everyone I’ve met since getting off the plane has been on the upper side of really nice.

I swear if Rudy’s what the men are like down here in this part of the world I’m going to be definitely exploring my het side. That’s also another thing, Rudy knows I’m a transwomen and it’s just no big thing to him.

Just watching him but even just having my feet in my grass in my back yard and looking at the different bushes and plants that sort of make the border of my yard it’s so different. It’s different enough to help me shake this round of tears.

Heck I even lean back in the lawn chair and take in some sun. Tanning outside of a tanning salon isn’t really something that you get to do a whole lot of when you live right downtown in Montreal. Maybe if I had a flat roof on my old place but I didn’t so I really didn’t tan a whole lot. I actually never got to sit in the sun and just soak in the heat and everything as a woman.

I haven’t actually sat like this in a nice yard and soaking in some sunshine while I’m doing little toe scrunches in the grass for a long time. Not since I was back in school and still a guy.

I haven’t done a lot of things like this in a long time. Somethings never…or not yet like this. I want to though, I sort of feel even though I’ve started my transition that I’ve missed out a lot on the things that I’ve always wanted to do. Even if I’m not really sure what those are?

After about three quarters of an hour I get up and kill the last bits of the cold coffee. “Thanks Rudy this really helped.”

“Hey, no worries eh, anyone’d do the same.”

I sort of fold my arms a bit. “You don’t actually talk like that all the time do you?”

He smiles at me making me feel that tingle of that handsome, strong, clean-cutness he has. “No Morgan it I though a bit of the old stuff would leave a bit of an impression is all.”

“You already have made a good impression on me Rudy.”

“Oh it was just a bit of fun for the new Sheila is all.”

“Okay.” I start heading back inside the house. “Rudy?”

“Yeh, Luv?”

I almost roll my eyes at him but I can’t stop the smile. “No, not everyone would do the same.”

I head inside and while I’m no where skilled in that whole attracting a man thing there’s a sway to my walk I can’t really just explain there this time and I can feel him watching me go.

Damn a guy like that is pretty good for the heart right now and my ego.

I head upstairs and I get a shower since most of the stuff upstairs is working well and I get dressed in a pair of cut off jean shorts no not the Daisy Duke things and a scoop necked tee-shirt and I start to go through things upstairs. There’s a lot of Matt’s stuff here and I start to go through it all deciding what to keep and what not to there’s quite a bit there and I stop after about an hour when I hear more voices and look out the window to see to black guys working with Rudy.

I’m a bit embarrassed at how ignorant I caught myself when my first though was Aborigine people but after hearing them talking I’m pretty sure these two guys are out of Africa…maybe Senegal?

There’s some more North America stupid. I’m an immigrant myself but I just assumed that all the blacks down here would be Aboriginals. I’m only glad I wasn’t down there to have the chance to shove my foot in my mouth.

I do slip down after another hour and take a cab to the closest local supermarket. I’ve no idea what that’s going to be like but my main reason for going is to beg for some boxes to put things into and get some garbage/rubbish bags for the same thing too.

Actually thet whole thing is a lot less intimidating than I thought that it would be with only these days the major differences are the brand names of things. I just have to read the labels a bit more carefully but it’s sort of the same as when I first moved to Montreal.

Oh there’s some differences like meats, they serve a lot more stuff from the animal here than I’m used to in a grocery store their meat section is a lot more like a butcher shop. Two there’s a lot more lamb here on sale that I’m used to at all. And there’s a lot of sausages here too.

Lucky for me I like lamb and I get a couple of trays of pre-cut chops for the grill and ask the girl there for a suggestion as to what her favorite marinade for them’d be. Turns out that they mostly stick with some pretty basic flavors. Salt and pepper, good olive oil and some herbs. I get a few potatoes to roast too and some bread and some lemons and a bunch of things that I just want to have in the house for now and a lot of cleaning supplies.

I get a cheap pair of flip-flops too just because they were in a bin near the cashes and they called them thongs.

I get chatted up a lot. I’m not sure if it’s my looks but it’s almost certainly my accent. I’ve got a bit of Quebec styled…well Montreal french just ground into me after all the years that I had lived there even though I was raised in an English speaking household and community. It’s true you start living in someplace long enough you pick it up even though you will still sound a bit off to the locals.

I wonder if I’ll pick up the Aussie accent here after a few years.

Turns out that they deliver too and the young guy that delivers the groceries is nice enough to save me the cost of cab fare home. He asks a lot of just general questions as we drive like what home’s like and if I’ve ever met Anne Murray or Celine Dion. “I’ve never met Anne Murray but I have met Celine Dion twice actually long before she became famous.” Which got me the first look I’d gotten from Simon that wasn’t fixed on my breasts.

I smile at him knowing that I kind of dated myself but likely he doesn’t know enough about Celine to really get a handle on my age. It’s kind of sort of nice that I’m getting those looks from a young guy like him. I don’t even mind him staring at my breasts either. While I’m still new to this life I’m no fresh face teenager either and I can take it and the nice looking tent in his cargo pants for the compliment that it is.

I do give him a fiver as a tip though when he carries it all inside for me.

Rudy and the two guys are cleaning out the basement with buckets and shovels and are getting quite dirty and sweaty looking so the first thing I do is find the fridge which is in my garage/car-port thing and I get a pitcher and stuff and I make a tall cool pitcher of homemade lemonade. I needed the stove anyway to par-boil my potatoes and the trick to a really great lemonade is making bar syrup for it. That’s just equal parts water and sugar but it does make a difference. And I use some of the lemon zest grated over the ice cubes even before I stir up the lemonade.

Rudy and the guys are actually pretty happy for the ice cold drink and I tell them that I’ll get lunch on.

He looks at me. “Morgan you don’t have to cook for us, we’ve packed lunches.”

“Well, okay but where I was raised if you had a bunch of people around your place working on your house or whatever you fed them.”

“We’re getting paid.”

“That never mattered back home, my mom’d always have a little something for the guys that’d be working around home.”

He smiles at me and I swear I’ve never felt chemistry between myself and someone else like this before.

“Alright then, we’ll eat I’d never want to insult your mother then. So what are we having?”

“Grilled Lamb chops with mushrooms and potatoes sound alright?”

“Sounds like a feast really, I’m looking forward to you cooking our lamb and seeing how you Canadians cook it.”

“Oh great then no pressure.”

“Naw, the pressure’d be on though if you were doing steaks.”

“Steaks.”

“Yeh, Australia’s cattle country all over luv, we take a cut of beef down here pretty seriously.”

“Well then the first time that steak’s going to be cooked here then you can do it so I can learn the right way to cook it then.”

“What me…and miss out on all that fancy french cookery you’ve got?”

“Me, huh…I’m from Montreal Rudy, professional ladies don’t cook in Montreal we go out to eat or we order it in. I’ve a fifth degree black belt in menu-fu.”

“And you’re cooking dinner now after saying that.”

“Yes, yes I am and I can cook. I had to when I was single and when I was going through school. I’m a bit rusty though maybe.”

“Well I’m sure it’ll be some good eats.”

I head off to get started cooking. Oh and the two black guys are Martin and Geoffrey and both are from Sierra Leone and are two young fellows that have been here since they were twelve and are being builders helpers to pay their way into trade school.

I go pretty basic. Salt and lots of black pepper on the chops while they’re in a bowl. Then some of the lemon juice and the zest and then some minced garlic and fresh rosemary. I let it set a few minutes to get the flavors going and then add the olive oil. Always add that last because if it’s first then some of the other flavors are blocked from getting into the meat.

I just halfway cook the potatoes then I quarter them lengthwise and add salt, pepper some chives and some real butter…okay a lot of real butter and wrap the whole thing in foil.

The mushrooms get sliced lengthwise but get the same treatment. And I find some tomatoes in the fridge and a cucumber to slice up for some fresh stuff on the plate.

I cook one chop first to get an idea of how long I should cook it because you just don’t do it justice to over cook lamb I’ve had it enough to know that and I’m not going to just give it some char either so a test piece is the thing.

I’m actually kind of feeling my woman power at full shine when I’ve got a sheet out as a table cloth over a sheet of plywood and two saw benches and the guys are really devouring the food. It doesn’t matter that we’re sitting on stacked milk crates and lawn chairs it’s just a good meal like my mom would have set out.

It still hurts that I don’t really have contact with the rest of my family but the stuff I learned or seen as a kid is still with me.

I get myself a second chop before their all gone and some slice tomato and talk with the guys about how best to go about learning my way around here as we eat.

Desert was canned peaches with whipped cream over the rest of the damper that was left like a sort of shortcake.

Like I said I really felt this whole sort of surge of woman power when all three guys thank me and all three of them kiss me on the cheek for it before heading back to work.

It was the first time anything like that had every happened.

Right smiling but more work and the dishes.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 6.

Chapter 6

It’s funny how fast things go. I mean especially if you are having a decent time of things and I’d been getting the house straightened around and sorted and the guys have been working pretty darned hard with things all week and I was getting used to being here.

I’ve still been cooking for the guys but like the third day in I asked Rudy if he could build up a proper BBQ pit are and I had the money or rather I had the credit to get the things that we needed and wanted or rather that I wanted.

So I’m the proud new owner of this long BBQ pit made of cinder blocks but covered on the outside with masonry stone. Like that nice looking stuff outside of those wishing wells. It’s got a over box built into it that Rudy had made actually taken from an old wood fired oven that he had known where to get it from. And he sort of built it around that. It’s not really an oven now but it’s more of a place to keep things warm. I still like it though and the oven door has this old look and finish that goes “Right well.” With the stone.

And I knew about grills but I hadn’t known about how they also used a steel plate for cooking on kind of like the whole planche grills that I’ve seen. I’ve got my grill set up that I can move the grates and the flat iron around as I need to. And the whole thing has a hood on it like a regular BBQ might set on hinges but made from a cleaned and polished the painted on the outside half a steel drum. I really love it and I’m going to enjoy cooking out here a lot.

Unless you had a place way on the outskirts of the city or a special business license you couldn’t use wood fired anything in Montreal. I think only a handful of the old places are even allowed to, like the old bagel places.

Rudy’s got the house raised up and the concrete’s is coming today. Him and the guys had dug out all the stuff for the basement and all the funky much and stuff and then they had tamped it solid the brought in sand then gravel to fill up the hole that was left there and more sand and then tamped it all down with this thing that was like a jackhammer if a jackhammer was like a foot.

I’ve gotten Matt’s jeep ready to drive and I’ve an appointment next week to get my license. And I’ll be heading into The Mater soon to start my orienteering soon and stuff. Otherwise I’ve still been mostly bust here at home getting things fixed up. I’m going to redo the interior at least painting wise and maybe a few other things and I want some gardening done. I’d like to have some flowers out front and some it the back yard nothing really high maintenance but just a little bit of pretty.

I’ve got a bunch of other things that I’m going to try and get done while Rudy is still around like a clothesline. I might be really old fashioned and stuff but my grandmother and my mother both have clotheslines out back of their houses and I want one.

And some of this stuff I’m doing on my own being a handy girl. I get a few looks and smiles when I’ll gather some of the building and reconstruction rubbish or junk but they call it rubbish and I’ll get it out of the way of all of us and haul it away to the dumpster in the driveway.

I’m starting to use “Orright.” Instead of alright but I’ve been playing with them too by slipping in “ay or eh” on purpose and I’ve caught Rudy doing it. But I’m saying “Yeh.” A lot too.

Oh and beer is grog and wine is Plonk?

When they guys talk like that I want to giggle sometimes and go Aargh matey…only matey…mate…it really wouldn’t be as funny to them as I find it.

The days are getting better too more getting done and things sort of becoming sort of normal? I mean it’s me and my life and there are sometimes where just being a trans-woman I feel like an alien.

God sometimes it’s so lonely.

And honestly Rudy…

He’s so darned good looking and tanned and has this really muscled body that has me…

And he looks, he checks me out. I think he does but…do I do anything? Would he be even interested in a girl like me?

Would any decent person? Or am I going to just…attract the people that just want me for ex or the tranny thing.

Is he keeping this just professional?

I really need to get driving, like any metro-city there’s a lot of ground to cover when I need things and while they’ve got good public transit here I still have to take cabs and cabs are expensive. Well not too expensive compare to some but it adds up.

………………………….. Another long lonely night. I cried a bit curled around my pillows. Missing my brother and crying over my ex. Yeah…she was a bad person in the end of it but it was a long relationship. Even with it being better for me now. I still miss being touched, held and being with someone. God it’s not even about the sex. It’s…I miss those little things like an arm being draped over me in bed.

It doesn’t help that I’m still learning to be me…and I’m hitting one of those emotional and hormonal walls. It really sucks.

I get up and take my pills and make my coffee and feeling like this…I have a horrible breakfast before the guys show go Ice cream…yep, coffee and Streets double chocolate magnum bars on a stick…I need the chocolate. Some what sedated from the suck I head up stairs and shower then get dressed in my good panties and a nice bra and I slip into my scrubs, fight through my hair and make up. I try to do a decent professional look but I need some new things as my stuff here isn’t make for the weather or whatever. I’m off to the Mater today for the start of my orienteering.

I have lots of time really but I just want to get in and deal with HR and all the other stuff.

I call a cab and have another coffee a large one in my travel mug. It’s a Tim Horton’s (Coffee chain) super sized mug from home. I drink it black and I can drink coffee cold if I have too.

Rudy pulls in and he smiles at me and I try to smile back and I’m actually saved by the cab from the look on his face. He had that look like he wanted to ask me what was wrong. The way I feel this morning I’d likely break down into tears and I honestly can’t handle him being that nice guy that he is right now.

No, that doesn’t make sense I know.

I lose myself in thought and try to pay attention to where we’re headed. Thankfully we’re taking roads I can understand. Come off the Pacific highway…sorry motorway then onto Stanley street. Oh…good a car park. And handy to work.

God almighty this place is huge. It’s not even a campus really, I mean really huge it’d eat McGill university back home in Montreal. I have to ask a few staff coming and going what building I want to go to for HR and head off.

I have to ask three times before I get there.

I’m not clocked at all as being a tranny so that’s a blessing and I’m thankfully not late. They’re late and busy already. Of course at a place this size it would be.

The lady that I see is friendly and nice and a bit forward. She sort of made my day a bit when she looked at me and the file and said. “You’re quite a big of a looker aren’t you? Crickey I wish I’d look half as good as you yeh?”

Home she couldn’t say that because of fear of sexual harassment and stuff here it’s just being friendly.

It was a nice interview and they’re really trying to be a TG friendly place now. We talk about my plans to transition and yes I am planning on getting it all done because really what’d be the point of everything that I’ve been through? Usually I don’t hate my little friend, he’s going to be a much more intimate part of me but today, I’m just wanting it gone, done and over with.

My life would be simpler right?

Maybe.

I honestly don’t think that I could be with someone and not tell them.

The busy morning has me getting out of my damn head and focusing on things. Like getting to go on tour of radiology and getting an intro to the staff and the department head and get a schedule set up to where I can learn the place and know where things are and get used to the computers. Most hospitals have their own private networks or intranets is what we called them home and they have one here that I have to learn.

The rest of the time is talking shop and finding out the differences in the way we do things here as opposed to home and get to see our department doing all the different stuff that we do. Radiology does a whole lot more than just x-rays these days.

About half one in the afternoon I take a break and walk over to Princess Plaza and check things out there a bit. They have an IGA there which actually makes me smile. Home they only exist still down in the Maritimes as far as I know. I get some lunch at the Plaza Deck and after skipping a real breakfast go for the fish and chips.

Great fish…actually in a beer batter and they do decent chips too and I relax and have iced tea to go with it. I know I’m not being that adventurous but given the day and how I’m feeling.

Then it’s back to work and I make a point to have stopped and gotten a big box of bakery goods for oncology and orthopedics both when I go and introduce myself around and get a feel for how they work. These are the two closest departments in terms of where we work together. We do stuff for everyone but we really do work with these two departments more than others.

I’ll have to also get some more goodies too for housekeeping as they do our janitorial stuff and the porters. It’s really, really a good idea to stay on their good sides because if you treat those two departments well then they’ll help you out in a pinch.

Honestly too, the support staff doesn’t get the respect they deserve half the time in any medical facility. And I get that, home a lot of the time some of the doctors treat us like mall photographers. Yeah they can read the stuff we send them but I’d like to see them run a CAT-scanner.

I’m there until nearly seven having spent the bulk of the day there and I’m pretty sure I’ve got the general idea of how to get around my building. I’m tired and still feeling blah? And not looking forward to going home. No one’s there when I do get home and out of the cab.

I get a shower and slip into just panties and a tee-shirt and go to my bedroom and watch some television. I drift in and out of sleep with the TV tending to put me to sleep like this. My cell phone rings about half eight and I look at who’s calling.

Rudy…

Should I answer it?

Yeah, he’s done nothing wrong.

“Hello?”

“Morgan?”

“Hi Rudy, how’d the day go?”

“Off actually, kind of out of sorts really not having you about.”

“Rudy…please don’t…” My throat tightens and I’m in tears, not about to cry just crying straight off.

“Morgan what’s wrong, I don’t like seeing you like this morning or hearing you like this now.”

“Nothing…just hormones, and just feeling the house being so empty at night.”

“Homesick?”

“No, no real home left to be homesick over.”

“Orright, I’ll be over in a bit. You eat did yeh?”

“Lunch…just wasn’t hungry when I got home.”

“Right then I’ll take care of that too.”

“Rudy…”

He hung up on me.

I fall back on the bed and rub my face, and the tears away and then go find some yoga pants to put on and wash my face. It’s not that long before I hear him pull up and the doorbell rings.

I head down and open the door ad he’s got take out bags in one hand and this little four, five year old in his arms and the little guy’s blinking bleary at me while holding onto his dad and he’s got some action figure clutched in his hand.

“Hey, can we come in?”

“Uhm…okay…”

He comes in and puts the little guy on my couch and covers him up, and kisses his forehead.

“Rudy, you shouldn’t have come over and woke him up and everything…I’d be…”

I’m stopped by him kissing me…he just walked up and tilted my chin up and kissed me with the most romantic, longest best kiss of my entire life.

“I wasn’t leaving you like the way you were, I’m a single dad Morgan.. He’s used to it…see he’s already back to dreaming. Got anything to drink?”

The little guy’s conked out already and he’s snuggled into one of my sweatshirts that was left on the couch and my heart does this thing…and I feel this feeling in my insides that makes me want to smiley-cry.

“Sure I’ve some red in the fridge.”

It’s the first time I’ve had Chicken Treat…better than KFC, I like the pineapple fritters that came with the food and good fries. I’m not sure that red wine goes with take away chicken but…it’s all I had in the house.

I get some plates and he lit some of my scented candles and we sit on the floor in front of the coffee table.

I’ve never really had this before…I’m not sure what to do next.

Previously…

“Rudy, you shouldn’t have come over and woke him up and everything…I’d be…”

I’m stopped by him kissing me…he just walked up and tilted my chin up and kissed me with the most romantic, longest best kiss of my entire life.

“I wasn’t leaving you like the way you were, I’m a single dad Morgan... He’s used to it…see he’s already back to dreaming. Got anything to drink?”

The little guy’s conked out already and he’s snuggled into one of my sweatshirts that was left on the couch and my heart does this thing…and I feel this feeling in my insides that makes me want to smiley-cry.

“Sure I’ve some red in the fridge.”

It’s the first time I’ve had Chicken Treat…better than KFC, I like the pineapple fritters that came with the food and good fries. I’m not sure that red wine goes with take away chicken but…it’s all I had in the house.

I get some plates and he lit some of my scented candles and we sit on the floor in front of the coffee table.

I’ve never really had this before…I’m not sure what to do next.

And Now… Chapter 7.

I’m not sure if things would have turned out like they did that night in a perfect world but they sort of did. We talked and ate and Rudy just stayed all night and he kept me company and he even ended up taking me to bed.

No, as much as part of me wanted him…I think there wasn’t any chance of that going on with his little boy there with us.

Actually Rudy cleaned up the leftovers and like I said he took me to bed and the little guy with us and he even slept outside the sheets that night and in his clothes but he took those strong builder’s arms of his and wrapped the around me and he held me really tight and close.

It had been a long, long time since I had anyone hold me in a caring and loving way. Way too long and I know I cried on him during the rest of that night and when I did fall asleep I never budged until nearly eleven the next morning.

I think though that and the early stuff with the house is how things got really started with us. Sort of started…I don’t know were still in the friends but more thing but without the sex.

Rudy finished with my place the week after that and there really wasn’t much of a reason for him to stay around except for him calling me and asking how I was doing and then offering to show me around to this spot or to that one.

Oh yes and I smacked him good and hard for him teaching me about “Grog and Plonk.” I went to a welcoming staff party when I started two weeks ago at The Mater and actually called a decent Shiraz…plonk…They sort of stared at me then laughed as they thought I was making a joke.

I’ve paid him back for that by haranguing him “En Francais.” He has no idea what I’m saying but we were getting some stuff for our picnic in Coles and there was a couple of Vietnamese girls there who got what I was saying and we three had a giggle.

He blushed…he knew we were talking about him and didn’t know what we were saying but he blushed anyway.

He has that Irish blush, that one where all the blood seems to rush to their head as they get really red.

Making a guy blush and get all self conscious is way more fun than I ever thought that it could be.

I miss him like crazy after him being there at my place all the time. Works been helping with that since it’s so big a place and spread out that two weeks in and I’m just getting used to the building that I’m in.

I’ve spent some more money than I planned on too. I have a stationary bike home now and a rowing machine and I bought an old styled bike with no speeds and the lovely basket in the front and a rectangular one in the back to just meander around and pick up odds and ends.

The food here is too good sometimes and I really love some of the heavy stuff. It makes me happy. I know I should be all diets and rabbit food but that doesn’t make me happy. A nice bit of really well made pie crust with a filling with slow cooked veggies, meat and stuff takes me back to stuff my grandmother used to make. I’m used to rich, thick, heart foods heck Montreal can kill with it’s restaurant fair. Butter and cheese, Fois gras…and poutine are all just so healthy.

Though I never liked meat pies there. They add spices to it that’s baking spices to them and to me it’s a bit of me being fussy.

Make a meat pie make a meat pie…not a minced meat pie, I like both but not a lame attempt in the middle.

But the other food here is just killer. I’m a sucker for great seafood and it’s all over the place here and I like ethnic foods here and there are way more ethnic places here to eat than I thought.

Actually there’s a lot more different people down here than the outside…no North America thinks. I had this whole thing of the whites and the aborigines but there’s all sorts of Middle easterners and Afrikaners and I swear from India on eastwards makes at least fifteen percent of the population here.

It’s actually a lot like home, like Montreal but without the Cititude…yeah Montreal has a city attitude. You’ve heard Toronto thinks it’s the center of the universe. Montreal just chuckles. Of course they do they’re Anglais…and all at the same time Montrealers are Montrealers before being Quebecois.

But it’s hugely multicultural there and they love it.

But Brisbane is Aussie friendly, fun…people seem to always be having fun here and it’s spread out, not so cramped and there’s other things.

Like I’ve woken up able to smell my lawn and the trees and the hint of ocean in the air.
It’s actually a very clean town.

It’s been good and yet Rudy and I are…it’s more than friends I think.

But he’s got Sam, that’s his son and that’s a lot of stuff to consider right there.

I was just getting in from work and hitting my days off. I’m full time so 38.5hours a week buy the union and I do twelves so that’s three shifts a week mostly with a fourth every five weeks. It’s actually pretty much standard for most places and I can say that I really, really love having four days off.

Anyway I was just getting in and had my shoes just off and the phone rang.

“Ello-Qui?” Years and years of living in Quebec I’m permanently accented now.

“Morgan what are you doing love?”

“Jus got in Rudy, taking my shoes off.”

“Y’got plans fer the weekend?”

“Laundry and some housework but maybe checking out the trains.”

“Y’can do that later, I have the weekend fancy a trip to the beach?”

“God…actually yes. I’d love that I haven’t been to a beach in years.”

“Orright we’ll do the weekend seeing a few then.”

“Okay, are we picnicking?”

“Sounds like a plan but I might bring my camp stove with.”

“You can cook at the beaches?”

“Suttons does.”

“Okay that sounds great.”

“Feel like going shoppin then?”

“Oh…yeah, I need a bathing suit.” Well more than one and more than that but he’ll find that out at the mall.

“We’ll be over in an hour luv that good enough?”

“Qui-sure-d’accord.”

“God I love that accent woman.”

I blush a bit over the phone and bite my lip. “Yours too mate, I’ll see you soon.”

I really have just enough time before Rudy gets here to shower and then pick out something to wear…really nice lingerie…Yes I think I do like Rudy that much and I go with a nice halter top in pink and a pair of Capri’s and some thongs…uhm flip flops back home.

I’m just getting my hair mostly blown dry when I hear Rudy’s truck pulling into my yard. I get my bag and meet him at the door.

“B’jeur Rudy.” I say with a smile as he was just about to knock and he’s smiling and staring at my chest. Not too long but it’s there and honestly I like it, I did spend money to get this reaction. Some women might complain about it, I might too but at the same time I want to be seen as the woman I am and it’s part of the deal.

Besides when a person you like’s doing it, it makes it all different.

“Howdy Morgan.” He’s smiling at me with that grin he seems to be born with.

“Howdy? Do you guys even say that?”

“No, not really but I like it.”

“Oh well it suits you but you should have…”

He sort of cuts off what I was going to say buy slipping one of those straw cowboy hats on and he looks damned cute in it, like I feel that funny yum-yay flutter in my stomach. He offers an arm and I take it letting him lead me to the truck.

“You’re in a good mood.”

“I’ve the weekend off and got a fair bonus t’go with it fer doin a bit of my above and beyond on a raised bed bunch of gardens.”

“So you thought of me?”

“Naturally.”

Really? I’m looking at him. He gives me this look and it’s like he’s reading my mind because he says.

“I actually think about you a lot Morgan.”

“You do?”

“Kind, smart and beautiful of course I do.”

“Rudy…” I’m blushing badly but I’m smiling.

We walk to the truck and Sam just about kills me with a flood of hormonal mommyness when he gets out of the truck all small and super cute and he holds the truck door open for me…

I’ve got a so big lump in my throat and I…. “Merci Sam…”

“It’s sokay, you’re a nice lady. M’da likes you lots.”

I’m blushing and so is Rudy too and I slip onto the seat as ladylike as I can and he closes the door for me. He comes around to the other side with his dad and he climbs into the back of the truck it has one of those little bench back seats.

God he so has Rudy’s smile and the same hair too though it’s shaggy looking and in his face a lot.

Ow…my maternal feeling are just…yeah.

Rudy drives us down to Queens and the Coles store there and we all get out and Sam’s all charged up to get the shopping cart. I can vaguely remember being like that at his age. We let him steer while it’s empty enough for him to handle it and I’m.

I’m happy, okay we’re…we’re whatever we are but this is normal on a whole level that I thought that’d never be for me. I’ve done more grocery shopping actually in the store here than ever in Montreal. Sylvie was very much one of the urbanites that went online to order things, mostly take out but we went out a lot too.

It’s been a long time since I’ve shopped or cooked and I like doing it now.

I like the things I find in the store here and it’s pretty much normal stuff but they have their own like names for the kinds here. Like I get a bag of Rose apples and that’s just the name of the variety but they look like a Courtland from home. Yes I am girly enough I bought them just for the variety name.

And just neat stuff like Silverbeet, that looks like Swiss Chard to me. It’s still pretty neat to me still.

Actually produce here tends to be pretty well priced. Iceberg lettuce is on so I get some of that for a dollar a head and we get potatoes and cabbages and things for salads and such to take to the beach…actually beaches this weekend.

Rudy wants to take me touring and I have no problem with that. It’s been forever since I’ve been to a good beach…actually never as the girl I am now. Pools a few times but there’s no beaches worth anything around Montreal and home.

Saint John’s on the Bay of Fundy and while there are some nice beaches they’re a bit of a drive. Between a summer job and stuff I went about maybe three times a year in high-school.

I’m going to enjoy this.

Rudy gets meat and by meat I mean lamb chops and chicken parts and some steaks. Me I get some ground lamb and ground beef since I want burgers. I love a good burger and while I’m into it I get some pickles and some pretzel buns but I get some tomatoes and onions too and we get a few other things just that whole shopping for a beach weekend thing.

I look at Rudy. “Have you two had supper yet?”

“No luv I was planning on taking us out.”

“I’d rather cook if that’s okay with you?”

“Us fellas turning down a free home cooked meal, no much of a chance of that.”

“Good so what’ll we have?”

Sam’s of course mentioning all the kids stuff like chips or chicken and stuff like that. Rudy’s telling him that he can have that stuff all the time but this’ll be special.

“We can do that.”

“What Morgan?”

“Chicken and Chips. I like that too.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

I get some more chicken parts and I buy some spices and I get some corn starch and some rice flour and a can of coconut milk.

We stop and get gas/petrol once we’re done because they have a discount thing if you buy so much at the store which I’ll have to remember and I’m smiling because as we’re fueling up he’s got Sam in his arms holding him up high enough so he can squeegee the windows of the truck off.

Then I have a few things to get for my beachwear and I send the boys to rent some DVD’s to watch. I head into Lorna Jane first and David Jones at the plaza and get a few things that I think will fit and look nice and daring. My bits are at the whole point where a simple tuck and something tight and getting revealer’s not really an issue for me.

Yes I am still getting my surgery, I do really want that and to get on with my life. I’m not hating that part as much as it’s not really part of me, or who I was really and it’s just that last part of a self identity that I never really felt. My peg was meant to be a hole.

Sigh…yeah but I am girly enough that the whole shopping and getting some cute things picks me up and I get some cute other stuff to go with it like beach towels and a couple of sunhats and some sunglasses and there was this awesome pashmina wrap that I just had to get…okay…I see the boy’s and Rudy’s staring at me.

“Holy…Morgan didja leave anything there fer the other girls?”

I grin. “Yes, there’s lots there I just needed some basics is all.”

“Basics?” Oh he has that guy look like girl logic just shorted something out a little in his guy brain.

“Yes, I didn’t have anything to wear for the beach so I got some things.”

He smiles and shakes his head and takes my bags and Sam has the bag from the movie place they went to and we head back to my place.

It takes a bit to unpack stuff and I get things going in my kitchen I’m going to do things up for our weekend as well but I start with getting some pots of oil on the stove and boiling some of the potatoes to make potato salad then I start my chicken since that’ll take the longest.

I take the chicken bits and wash them off first and then I marinate them in the coconut milk. It adds a different sweetness to the chicken and it’s something from home…well Montreal that one of my fave Caribbean places used to do.

I get the cornstarch into a bowl and then in another bowl I take four cups of self rising flour and a cup of the rice flour and mix them together. The rice flour adds this wonderful crunch to the chicken that’s the only reason I use it. Then to that I add a tablespoon of sea salt, two of black pepper, one of turmeric, smoked paprika, onion powder, garlic powder then a pinch of dried thyme and marjoram, powdered ginger…just a small pinch of that and another small pinch of cumin. I mix everything together though really well and then I take an egg and pour off the coconut milk into it and a handful of the breading mix and whisk it into a light batter.

So first the chicken gets dusted/rolled in the cornstarch so the batter will stick really well and then into the thin batter and from that into the spiced flour and from there onto waxed paper on the counter.

I like to give the coating time to rest and get really stuck to the chicken. It doesn’t take too long to let it sit either just long enough for me to get it all coated and the chips cut and the boiled potatoes off and draining.

The chicken comes out amazing and there is just enough coconut oils in there that the coating gets really flaky, it’d fall apart without the egg batter but it’s really good and there’s just enough play between that coconut sweet and the savory elements that it’s really good.

When the last of the chicken’s cooking I drop my fries then and I make just package brand chocolate pudding for desert.

The boys are watching that Will Smith version of Karate kid while I’m cooking and it’s just so much fun to have this going on in my house. It feels alive in here and I feel alive too.

I pretty well get it all timed out and things turned off by the time they’re putting on the second DVD something called Prince of Persia and I’m just bringing it all into the coffee table in baskets with paper towels and some paper plates and a bottle of ketchup.

The boys look up at me and they actually cheer at the food. (Blush.)

I sit down with them and Rudy looks at me. “This smells an looks amazing Morgan. Thank you…”

Sam misses it with a mouthful of chips but I certainly don’t when Rudy leans over and kisses me sweetly on my lips.

Oh….oh…wow….

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 8.

*Rudy…………

Well here I am at Morgan’s again with my young fella and we’re watching movies as Morgan is cooking up a storm.

Been truthfully ages since me and Sam had something like this other than the odd time that we go over to me mums place.

Oh don’t get me wrong I love my mum to death but she’s my mum and when I go over to her place it’s either me doing stuff for her and all her friends ‘cause she’s got herself a builder t beck an call or she’ll me asking me about me love life or she’ll be trying to set me up.

And I’m real particular now about the women that I like.

I got married pretty young and stuff and Vicky was a right as they say smoking hot girl and we got along great before when we was sweethearts and stuff in school then we moved to Sydney.

I am not bad mouthing the town but we were not the kind of kids used to the fast life and Sydney had, has a fast life. I got through school and got my papers to be a builder and Vicky was into real estate and we did good and we made some decent money until she…well she got into the wrong crowd one that was a whole lot more cultured and exciting that Your’s truly and she and I started having troubles.

And to top it all off we had Sam.

I love my boy I really do but him mom…Well Vicky was so effin disappointed when she found she was pregnant it was like someone took all the light out of her.

To her credit she didn’t think of having an abortion or something like that but that was the nail in our coffin as far as relationships went and our marriage. She had Sam and she hired us a nanny so she had as little to do with him I think as she could and she went a little nuts on the exercise and stuff…but she wasn’t getting rid of the baby weight for me.

No she hooked up with some fella at her office that was one of those blokes with the keen cars and a couple of houses and a boat and she left. She filed for divorce and gave me full custody and stuff too.

Thankfully she didn’t try for support or alimony either it still hurts me to think just how completely she just up and cut me out from my life.

It makes me angry though at the fact that she abandoned Sam…he doesn’t even mention her and she doesn’t even send him a card or nothing at his birthday or even Christmas. It could be that he doesn’t really know or remember her but then again who really knows sometimes what kids think about when it comes to that stuff.

So I moved home here to Brisbane where there’s people I know and family and where all those memories aren’t at.

I know he likes Morgan though, he thinks she’s nice and I do too.

Honestly I’m a bit baffled at the amount that I like her.

Morgan’s in transition which means she was born a guy. It don’t mean she was one inside or in her head I get that much and I’m not prejudiced really there’s all sorts of things in the world we don’t get yet and need to take a longer look at y’know and I’ve nieces and nephews with stuff they’re been born with and I’m not going to fault them for it.

And besides…I’ve known a few and even had one as a neighbor and if you respect people especially some of the trans people and don’t rip them off and just do a good job they’ll share yer name out.

I’ve done a fair amount of work actually in the LGBT community and I’m listed I guess as a friendly builder.

It’s why Auggie had hired me in the first place I imagine after learning about Morgan.

But back to Morgan…

I never thought that I would be interested in a girl like her but…beautiful…she is with these really great breasts that a fella just can’t help but admire on her nice frame. She’s not fat but she’s not thin either and she’s not really obsessed with it either even if she does try and stay in shape.

Blonde hair, glasses and these big puppy dog eyes that just catch you up all mixed in with that sexy and cute french accent and the fact that she’s traveled, and that she’s loved and lost and been hurt.

And even compared to the ones that mum fixes me up with Morgan’s real.

A fella likes real even if she’s in transition.

I can’t help but to smile at here when she brings in the chicken and the fries and she’s got a big bowl of salad on there too all dressed and such. We get all set up and she’s sitting beside me and Sam’s sitting on the floor but using her coffee table to eat his food and he’s looking at the salad a bit dubiously as any young kid might.

He spears a forkful and tries some making that it’s going to be yucky face before he’s even got it in there and he gets the oddest look on his little mug.

“S’good dad!”

I look at Morgan and she smiles. “It’s really coleslaw more than salad I just winged it.”

“Winged it eh.” I’m trying to sound Canadian.

I grab a forkful trying to make sort that I get a good bit of everything that she’s got in it.

Wow it is good and I like my veg just fine but this is cabbage cut really fine and carrot shavings in these long peel and she did the same with small yellow courgette and there’s tart green apple cut into matchsticks there and she’s got some walnuts and pecans in there with some almonds and she’s dresses it with something sweet and tart at the same time.

“Oh…that’s good Morgan what’s the dressing?”

“Just some unsweetened thick yogurt and a teaspoon of ground mustard and a tin of crushed pineapple.”

“That’s it? That’s pretty easy.”

“I don’t use a whole lot of mayo.”

“Fattening?”

“Yeah but not that just a taste thing for me I ate a ton of it as kid the same with ketchup but I don’t eat a lot of it now.”

“I can see that but with me it’s reverse.”

“Reverse?”

“I like stuff my family liked that I hated as a kid.”

She nods.

“I was the same way with some stuff too especially baked beans and stew.”

“You didn’t like beans and stew?”

“We weren’t well off with a bunch of kids and just dad working we ate what we had and a lot of that was what dad bought, soups, stews, baked beans, liver.”

Alright I shudder at the liver. “Now there’s something I never got a taste for liver.”

“Mine’s alright I like it now and then you just have to treat liver like squid or octopus.”

I look at her. “You’re pullin me leg right?”

She has this happy grin. “Nope, you either cook it just quick enough that it’s cooked and tender or you’re cooking it for hours because once you go past that just right point it becomes tough.”

“So you’ve cooked liver then.”

“Parties with Sophie, in Montreal.”

“Oh fancy stuff I suppose.”

She nods. “But the best way to have it I’ve found is in a good deli.”

“Ah, that’s that chopped liver stuff.”

She nods. “A good deli is amazing, it’s one of the little things about Montreal I miss that and the wood fired bagels.”

“That’s all?”

She stops and thinks for a minute and it’s so tempting to reach out and touch her hair and do that brush it behind her glasses thing.

“No, there’s not much else I really miss. Brissie’s got just as much international culture if not more, great wine and cheeses down here and I think I like some of the cheese better actually, beaches, warm weather and friendly people.”

“Was Montreal that bad then?”

“Oh no, it’s a great city but really expensive and the people had their own way about them it’s just Sophie was everywhere, we were everywhere and people we knew and friends and trust me when you’re the one in transition…and you break up suddenly to a lot of people you’re male again…”

“Oh, that had to bite then.”

Morgan nods and gets herself a leg with the thigh on.

“I had to leave and Matt’s will and everything it just seemed right.”

“So you like it here now then.”

She turns and she looks at me and gives me one of those looks that makes a fellow damned glad he’s a man. “I like you Rudy and that makes a lot of a difference.”

I can’t help it I think part of me just fell for her, or fell more. There ain’t a lot or girls willing to say something like that to a guy when they’re not married to him and it’s the first time someone’s said anything like that to me in years.

I’ll tell you it means a lot, it feels so damned good just to be seen. No strutting like a jackanape just…

I lean over and kiss her out of the blue loving the catch in her inhale and the little mmmrph! Of surprise she makes then that slow exhale as she sort of melts some and kisses me back. We break the kiss and we’re both smiling and we’re both blushing though.

No we haven’t kissed much at all.

But I’m really into each time we have.

We end up schooching closer together and sitting hip to hip eating as we watch the movies but we’re sharing and tearing bits of that amazing supper and feeding each other.
I haven’t felt like this around a girl, a woman just having fun since I was a lot younger. Well maybe not that long ago considering but it sure has felt like forever and a day.

Y’know supper, her, Sam just watching DVD’s probably one of the best dates that I’ve ever had even with Sam shushing us and saying “Da…your missing the movie slobber-lockin…”

Slobber-lockin…he must have got that at school.

“Sam we’re guests.”

“Okay…” He’s looking at us and he’s got that look on his face like he’s halfway between happy that we’re…well he’s right I do talk about her a lot. I guess you’d say that I’ve been crushing on her ever since I fed her a bit of scran for breakfast with my hand under the fork and her all shy and mussed up in just an old t-shirt of her brothers and no bra.

Oh right…

It’s a look halfways between yay and ick girls.

Morgan’s smiling too. “Okay, we’re sorry we were just goofing off okay?”

I love that she has that assent on her e’s and the way she says okay. It’s very cute and kind of sexy.

“S’kay old people can have fun too.”

I’m laughing at the not sure what to do or say look on her face when Sam calls us old. At his age fifteen is being old.

I wrap and arm around her waist and lean back into her couch and look at Sam. “Okay, okay start it up all over again and get up here.”

He re-starts the DVD and he climbs up but instead of the other side of me he climbs up to Morgan’s other side and snags the blanket off the end of the couch and settles in snuggling up against her.

I’m as surprised as she is and her eyes are really big when she’s looking at me like is this okay and I smile and nod then mouth…. “if it’s okay with you?”….

Morgan nods and she bites her lower lips and there is this look there on her face that I’ve seen with women who give a shit about their kids and with Mum.

It takes about thirty minutes into the movie before she leans her weight on me and her head on my shoulder and I think we both let out this contented exhale.

We kissed tonight…I mean really kissed…I’d love for this to be more but not too soon…I need to be sure for both of us.

But this, this I’ll take.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 9.

Chapter 9.

I told Rudy the truth.

“I like you Rudy and that makes a lot of difference.”

It really, really does too.

I had all these thoughts and feelings of what it was like to be a transgendered woman that was really influenced by Sophie. I felt for the first time in my life right in my skin but it was missing things…feelings and connection.

I’m here tonight with Rudy and it’s just supper after a nice day out before we do the weekend and movies and Sam with us and talking and kissing and cuddling up.

Nothing you couldn’t find anyone else doing at any night of the week.

But actually I’ve never done this before.

And I’m full of happy girl angst.

Yeah angst or sort of. The very best of being torn between wanting passionate carnal sex with Rudy because he’s strong and built well. Then there’s this making out like a girl and a teen thing going on too and then there’s the fact that it’s so good just like this snuggled and held and doing this…just this.

Yeah it’s all good actually.

And he knows and he doesn’t care that I’m pre-op and he still likes me.

I look at him after pulling away from our kissing and taste my lips…it’s not just tasting him but there’s this wild tingle from kissing him in my lips. Honestly I’ve never really had that with someone in a hugely long time.

Like highschool.

Yes I had dated back then just it never really worked out and there were a few times when I got to kiss like that when I was young and full of hormones.

I guess now I’m not so young and I’m full of different hormones.

But it’s a really amazing feeling to have to lick and bite my lips and feel that tingle and that zip and the buzz of liking someone as a girl, as a woman.

My heart is seriously beating hard as I ask.

“You and Sam want to stay over?”

“You think we should?” He’s being serious.

Well he has to be really there’s his son involved and it’s really different when there’s kids involved.

Sam doesn’t even turn around. “Dad…can we, she gotta make a better breakfast than you do.”

“Hey!” Rudy plays the wounded dad bit and I’m giggling and he smiles at me.

The look and the strong soft way he does that makes me feel pretty. Like he likes what he see’s and it’s more than the body stuff. I know I pass…I know I’m lucky and I’m pretty and I paid money to do so and it’s something that was…well for me but…this look was right past the body stuff. This is that look between tow people and it still says…he likes what he see’s.

I bite my lip and tuck some hair out of the way and yes I’m nervously fidgeting and stuff until he leans over and he kisses me. “We can definitely give it a try.”

Okay part of me does this little swoon thing along with a happy rush and I kiss him back and I hug him tightly.

God I love the way that his hard body feels pressed to me.

Rudy actually pulls me over into his lap and he holds me while we all watch the DVD’s and then when we’re done I get the blankets and stuff made up for Sam on the sofa and leave the bathroom light on and then I go to my room and get it ready and stuff while Rudy and him are talking and I do give myself a tiny little shot of perfume into some lotion and I’m debating how I should dress to got to bed.

I’m actually running all these ideas on what I should wear in my head and whether or not I should wear my lingerie and try to be sexy or just…

I jump and squeak when he slips his arms around me from behind and holds me around my waist.

“Let’s go to bed.”

“I…I wanted to figure out what to dress in.”

“Morgan…”

“Yes…?”

“Just dress the way that you’d dress normally. I just want you I don’t need more.”

“I wanted to be sexy for you with this being our first time in bed together.”

Rudy turns me around and he looks at me.

“Well I find you sexy in your glasses, I find you sexy in your scrubs when you’re at work, I adore you in those ratty old sweats with the holes in them you wear to do the washing and I find you sexy when your hair’s all messy and you haven’t had a cup of coffee yet.”

Oh dammit he made me jaw tremble…that was…just.

He’s kissing me again and we sort of do that walk and waltz around my room doing that and we break it and he….he…reaches up and does the sexiest thing any one has ever done and that’s pull the bobbi-pins out of my hair and with each one he’s using my fingers to free up my hair from where I had it in place.

“Can you wear something if I ask you to?”

I nod. “Oh…definitely yes…what?”

He smiles and raises his eyebrows at my ‘oh definitely’ and kisses me again. “Wear that black Led Zeppelin t-shirt I’ve seen you come down stairs wearing in the mornings.”

“That’s it?”

“Bottoms are you’re choice but yeah, we have the time Morgan…you want to wow me sometime we can do that…Sam can stay with my folks the night and we can have a romantic night and everything but we can wait for it…for when you want to do that.”

“Really?”

“Yes really you’re sexy as all-get-out anyhow and I love the way that you look in that shirt.”

“Okay…I’ll, I’ll be right back.”

I get the said t-shirt and it’s one of my brothers and it is big enough or rather I’m small enough that it does the sorta short night shirt thing ending about halfway down my butt and I get some pajama bottoms and slip into the bathroom and it’s a minute or two of me almost crying because of what he said and I’m almost happy hugging myself.

I know he’s just wanting me to be me and that he has been through some stuff himself that seems to have left him with a kind of a low tolerance for snobby kind of stiff and that he’s not just looking for someone real for himself but for Sam too.

But to me…on my end…Sophie was so fake…the way she was with our so called friends and stuff and just that whole crowd.

And I lived that and I was choking on that has to be “Juste-comme-la.” Life style she and they had it was like being in a room over a garage made to be pretty and fancy and for entertaining and being praised and I’m the only one that was choking on the car exhaust.

It’s kind of a really big thing and one that feels so good to have someone want me that way, just me and to have the option for lingerie and naked…and all that serious stuff just handed to me with a…. when we’re ready.

And it’s really kind of sobering to be in a real adult respectful relationship.

And it’s wonderful that he has noticed all those things he just told me too.

I slip Matt’s old t-shirt on like it’s a blessing and finger it a minute smiling at it and thanking him in my head if this is in anyway him helping me out. Then I get into my bottoms and I brush my teeth and come out looking at him.

Oh…

He’s undressed himself down to a pair of grey boxer briefs and while he’s not absolutely ripped he has a great body.

Actually in my opinion he could give guys like Curtis Stone and Simon Baker a run for their money.

I was not expecting that though or my reaction to seeing it all.

He actually blushes at me stopping. “Sorry I can put my pant’s back on.”

“No…definitely not.”

“Definitely not?’

“Yes, Definitely not…I really like what I see.”

“You do?”

I nod. “I’m still really getting used to it though…I started my transition in a whole other place…I had a wife.”

“And now?”

“And now I like what I see.”

I go over and run my fingers through his chest hair some and there’s not a lot and it’s so strange because me and me being hairy is really kind of not me…ever but there’s this electric tickle in my fingertips that I’m getting.

I reach down and take him by the hand and walk and lead him to my bed and I get in and pull him in with me.

“I mean it’s new Rudy, but it’s real in a whole new way for me too.”

He nods and he kisses me and I reach and feel for the lamp and switch it off. “I’m glad we’re doing this, this speed Morgan.”

“Me too…it means a lot.”

We snuggle into each other and we move around and we actually trade places with me rolling over him until we’re kind of finally at where we’re used to sort of sleeping at and then it’s just magical.

A few more little kisses, his arm around my waist and….

I wake up smelling breakfast.

I’ve never slept like that in my life.

I have one of those brains that unless I’m exhausted it takes my brain an hour or more before it shuts down enough to try sleep and that’s if I don’t wake myself up. I have bad dreams sometimes…Sophie is there a lot especially if I’m stressed…sometimes their bad with her sometimes they’re good-bad dreams…you know where you dream an ex is a far better person that you know in reality they’s ever be and that’s when missing them hits.

A few are of the jerk she tried to set me up with, sometimes family stuff and even some bad dreams about my surgery.

It’s really just typical still getting over relationship stress disorder stuff and the rest is sort of trans issue stuff but last night.

I remember him slipping his arm around me and then I was gone and out like a light.

I get up as I hear my juicer going and I head downstairs after a quick peak in my mirror and a fast brush through my hair.

Wow…9:22 by my bathroom clock.

Rudy’s up and in my kitchen and Sam’s up too and he’s already in these shorts and a kid’s sized Hawaiian shirt and he’s feeding oranges into the juicer and I can smell bacon cooking and coffee perking on the stove.

I love when he does that I missed his on the stove top coffee perk, Rudy makes the best coffee.

“Morning guys…sorry, I was going to get up and cook breakfast for you.”

Rudy pours me a coffee and kisses me as he puts it in my hands.

“You were dead to the world, I wasn’t about to wake you.”

“So were you dad. I’da starved if I’da waited fer you two to wake up.” Sam crows at him and Rudy blushes a little.

“Okay, that’s true I slept like a baby too but I still didn’t want to wake you.”

I kiss him and then take a sip of his coffee and I smile…it’s first sip smile worthy.

“Honestly I can’t remember sleeping like that.”

He smiles like I just gave him something nice, something special and he nods then takes some bread styled biscuits out of the oven and looks at me.

“It’s been too long for me too Morgan, to hold someone…no to actually have someone to hang onto for a change…it was pretty great.”

“It was?”

“Yeah it’s been like I’ve been treadin water for a long time and then you come along instead of all the garbage out there and holding you was like getting a hold of a life boat.”

“Rudy…”

He’s still smiling or giving off that guy happy feeling and he puts me together some breakfast…a biscuit cut in two and buttered, thick cut bacon but in short strips to fir on the biscuit and there’s a poached egg for each side and he made hollandaise?

“Eggs benny?”

“Sorta my take on it but yeah.”

I eat and it’s the sauce that does it, he replaced the lemon with another citrus or something and there’s some shaved red hot pepper in it just to wake me up but the egg all sort of calms it down.

“You’re a good cook.”

“Well I try, you bachelor it enough you get tired of a lot of things quickly.”

Sam laughs and he does that kid two handed careful carry over the pitcher of orange juice and then he whispers to me loudly.

“He’s not that good a cook but you’re special you got the girlfriend eggs.”

Rudy turns beet red and I can’t help but laugh.

We eat and we do the dishes and it’s just this good kind of warm calm all morning and then we pack up his truck and we set out for our day at the beach. It’s not even really out of the city really and home even back in the maritimes you’d have an hour to get to a really nice beach.

We pull into Sutton’s beach and my heart does this OH….

This is one of those times that just drives home to me that I’m in a whole new place…and that it’s a really beautiful place.

I look out at all the water and the place is amazing…the water this really nice beach but there is this park built right to the edge of the beach with these pagoda like camping places with tables and a BBQ pit and there’s all this really kid friendly stuff to play on here and even going from the grass to the water there’s this concrete boardwalk and benches and even the trees…they have these wonderfully tall trees here that just make it even more of a scenic wonderland.

I have actually never been to a beach this nice in my life…not even home.

I slip off to go and get changed and the boys are setting things up for the day.

Thirty plus years.

Thirty plus years and I think that I’ve finally found my way home.

I really…

Thank you Matt…Just Thank You.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 10.

Chapter 10.

*Before…

“Well I find you sexy in your glasses, I find you sexy in your scrubs when you’re at work, I adore you in those ratty old sweats with the holes in them you wear to do the washing and I find you sexy when your hair’s all messy and you haven’t had a cup of coffee yet.”

Oh dammit he made my jaw tremble…that was…just.

………………………………...

We pull into Sutton’s beach and my heart does this OH….This is one of those times that just drives home to me that I’m in a whole new place…and that it’s a really beautiful place.

*And now…

I get changed and I’ll admit I’m nervous about my bathing suit but I check three times and settled in there’s nothing showing. Not that there’s anything to show but still. And I’m doing a two piece. More the classic older or vintage style covers more bikini than the ones that are G-string types.

I so don’t get the appeal of a string wedged up my bum-crack all day. And while I don’t have a bad behind it’s still so just not me.

I know I’m sounding old but someone should tell these girls that just because you can it’s not a dare to do it.

I also make sure I use the lotion I bought first, a decent SPF and some bug repellent tea tree stuff. Yes having Rudy rub some on me would be nice but this is a public beach with kids and I don’t want to wait until I’m almost burned to put some on.

And the bug stuff, well that’s just smart really, even on a beach in a nice open and breezy spot the wind can die off and then you’re under siege.

I add my wrap just as an added bonus and head out getting my sunglasses and my beach hat and my flip-flops.

I feel a bit scared and kind of amazing.

Me out in public…dressed like this on a beach for the first time ever.

It’s actually more than just nice.

I’ve missed this, the beach, the water. Montreal has sorta beaches but they don’t compare.

I walk over to where Rudy’s making the fire in the public grill pit and he’s got it going with wood he brought. No, not like branches and stuff or lumber trimmings but what are bundles of cut and split wood and a few small four or five inch wide logs.

“Fruit wood?”

“Some, I don’t like charcoal for special occasions.”

“This is a special occasion?”

“Our first big date and family thing…it’s special to me.”

“Me too. Where’s Sam he needs a top coat.”

“He’s trying to get some of the coolers out of the truck, don’t help him hon he’ll get insulted.”

“Course not; he’s a little man y’know.” I’m smiling because he said Hon…to me that’s kind of a big deal.

I do smile as I watch Sam struggle with the cooler or more with the height at the back of the truck. I honestly can’t remember that sense of little man pride he’s got. Given that I am the way I am now I’m not really sure I had it even then.

It’s kind of funny when I look back at things and my life and sure I sort of knew I was one of the family odd ducks but I was never really like Sam.

And me being me now…I kind of adore the little guy for being himself.

I smile wide and give him a big. “Sam! Thank you! You muscled that over here by yourself?”

He grins at me. “Yep, I did you need anything else miss?” He just did this really sweet imitation of his dad that it’s just pretty awesome.

“No I’m good but thank you I’d have had trouble bring all that pop and ice over.”

“That’d cuz I help dad out at work and all, I got’s the muscles.”

“Can you show me?”

“Sure!”

He makes the whole arm flexing stuff. I reach out and give his bicep a little squeeze. “Ooh, cool…!” I sort of girl coo about it and he gets that little guy grin and he so reminds me of Rudy it’s kind of amazing.

I look over at Rudy as Sam goes for more stuff and he gives me this look. It’s this make my heart roll over kind of look. It’s not the you’re beautiful look and it’s not that you’re sexy look that he’s giving me he’s giving me this look that almost feels like.

Mom…but in the Dad and wife happy paternal guy kind of way.

And it’s really that ache and me feeling my phantom ovaries and womby bits kind of feeling.

Me…a wife? A Mom?

I smile and bite my lip and I can’t actually say that that’s on his mind but it’s on mine and I mean he’s been through some stuff and I’ve been through stuff and we’re just. Well we’re well past that point in our lives to play games and stuff.

And really, just as much as me wanting to finish my transition I want a real life and Rudy seems like the guy that might just be my guy.

I get up and I go over and I stupervise Sam in setting up the beach lounge chairs and stuff and he’s really an awesome little trooper and when he’s done I look at him. “Okay mister you need a top coat.”

“Aaaw that stuff!?”

“Yes this stuff you done want to get a sunburn do you?”

“No….okay.” he closes his eyes and he sticks out both arms like he’s a zombie with a face like I made him eat a veggie he doesn’t like and I give him a decent coating of the sunblock and he make noises. “Eeew…ick…this stuff stinks.”

“I know but the last thing you need is to get a really bad burn kiddo….there all done and your dad’s going to be setting up for a while so how’d you like to show me around?”

“Okay that I kin do.”

Rudy’s watching us both and I bring my camera with me and Sam takes me all over the place. It’s kind of busier doing that than I thought I mean I’ve never had kids so I’m not really that used to having them around like this but it’s really satisfying as much as it’s a different kind of challenge and there’s the playground and I do stuff there too like be on a set of swings in like the first time in twenty odd years or more or go one the see-saw with him and watch him playing on the monkey bars.

It’s a really amazing thing too.

And once he’s good and hot from all that running around we both hit the water and Rudy joins us. The water’s warm and it’s pretty pleasant and we really don’t go too far or too deep since we sort of want it so Sam’s feet are touching the bottom and I’m sort of sitting and treading water and just letting the ocean sort of carry my weight and I’m having fun.

I wasn’t a woman the last time I was swimming and it’s very, very different swimming with breast and the gentle lift and float and bounce and sway that I feel in the water is so relaxing and just nice.

“This is really nice guys.”

Sam grins and Rudy nods. “You came from a place by the water right?”

“Saint John it’s off The Bay of Fundy and not a really great kind of area to swim a lot there were a few spots. It’s just all of this. The ocean and the feeling and the smell, sane between my toes. And the biggest thing really guys is not being alone.”

Sam swims over and gives me a little kid hug around the waist and he smiles. “You’re a lot of fun Morgan it’s really cool that you came with us.”

Rudy swims over and he gives me a kiss.

Oh…Mmmm…

And have I mentioned just how good he looks shiny and wet with his hair all darker from being wet and seeing his muscles. He’s buff but in that working guy kind of way so he has some meat on him too and he’s not all gym or beach rat trim and stuff he’s just so solid and I even like…well I like all of it chest hair and all.

And the fact that the water has made his trunks as baggy as they are kind of stick to him in all the right places is.

It’s very, very good and as we kiss it’s getting better.

Yay me?

I mean there’s chasers and perv’s and stuff out there that’d take a girl like me and do things if I was remotely looking for something like that but I’m not. And this isn’t it’s so much different than that scene this is me a woman being very attracted to a guy that she really and honestly likes and he likes back.

Sam’s making those young kid retching fake noises as our kiss deepens and Rudy slips me some tongue.

It’s my first time for that kind of kiss from someone that means it as a kiss.

So it’s a good thing when the feelings in your heart are stronger than the feelings in your body right?

We break the kiss and I’m catching my breath and Rudy looks at Sam. “Let’s go get cookin and we can let Morgan finally get to use her tanning chair and get some rest and Sun.”

“I kin grill?”

“Yeah, let’s”

They leave and Rudy smiles at me and he walks out of the water backwards and his grin gets all teasing and devilish as he’d definitely sporting some serious arousal going on down there and I blush because he’s doing that and it’s pretty obvious if someone looks.

I sink down in the water some more to hide the goofy grin that’s there too because yeah, he’s showing off and stuff but he’s with me and he’s kind of showing off for me.

And that feels just.

Yeah I’m so happy hugging myself right now.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 11.

Chapter11.

*Before…

It’s my first time for that kind of kiss from someone that means it as a kiss.
So it’s a good thing when the feelings in your heart are stronger than the feelings in your body right?
We break the kiss and I’m catching my breath and Rudy looks at Sam. “Let’s go get cookin and we can let Morgan finally get to use her tanning chair and get some rest and Sun.”
“I kin grill?”
“Yeah, let’s.”
They leave and Rudy smiles at me and he walks out of the water backwards and his grin gets all teasing and devilish as he’d definitely sporting some serious arousal going on down there and I blush because he’s doing that and it’s pretty obvious if someone looks.
I sink down in the water some more to hide the goofy grin that’s there too because yeah, he’s showing off and stuff but he’s with me and he’s kind of showing off for me.
And that feels just.
Yeah I’m so happy hugging myself right now.

*And Now…

I float there in the water for awhile just doing that.

Hugging myself because I need to, I’m that over the moon happy right now I just need to hang on or just end up acting silly or something.

But really I’m crying some too.

Oh they’re happy tears and I dip under the waves a bit to just you know…

It’s just so…

It’s going from discovering that I was really trans to being in a toxic relationship and then this whole fresh start. Honestly I was never expecting this, or Rudy.

And I’m at that age where that would’ve been okay. I was just going to move along with my life and as long as I had some peace and quiet and could just be myself without all the hassle and drama that would have been perfect.

I was never expecting to fall in love.

Oh…yeah…

I grin to myself and bite my lip some and smile.

I’m in love.

Now there is a realization that really kind of bowls you over when it hits and everything. I’ve been there before or well I’ve thought that I’ve been there before a few times but this is really the first time as my real self and with all of the stuff that that comes with it.

And by all of that stuff I guess that I mean in sort of makes the noise in my head go away, get reduced to what it might actually really be in the grand scheme of things and makes me have these really crazy thoughts like what it might be like to be married and a wife and a step mom and those thoughts might have been scary before.

Okay they’re still sort of scary but in a whole other way.

I mean…Wanting a life is scary stuff.

I swim, well tread water for awhile longer and enjoy my happy thoughts but also the whole ocean thing. It’s my first real dip in the Pacific and there’s that and then there’s the fact I spend my days on concrete floors at the hospital and moving patients for scans and the like so the whole floaty take the stress off thing is welcome.

It feels good and after leaving home so long ago I missed this.

Yes even those little tickle fish and all.

I wade out of the water feeling very self conscious of my lower torso even though I’m pretty sure that all is well and safe and tucked away and then there’s that water feeling of it running off my body, running off the right curves and shapes and even the weight of it pulling at my body is both an experience I’ve never had out of the shower and new to me at the beach.

Rudy smiles at me as I get my towel and my little kit and head for the shower head thing they have here to rinse the salt water off.

I smile back and then he’s quickly attending Sam who turned something to start a grill flare up with the food.

That was likely the sausage.

There’s a couple of women there and a few girls and the like there doing the same thing and I rinse off with them and if there’s something amiss they’re keeping it quiet and to themselves.

There’s a red head there about late twenties and she looks at me up and down like three times.

I sort of look at her too. “Morgan right?”

I blink. Okay that I was not expecting. “Uhm yes and you are?”

“Heather, I worked with you the other day.”

I’m looking and thinking. “I’m sorry, it’s just without scrubs I barely recognize people I work with on the street much less in a bathing suit.”

She nods and she laughs. “Oh that’s the truth I hardly recognize myself out of them. I was in with the fracture twins that cracked up that Ute the other day.”

“Oh…wow boy those two were a handful.”

“You had them for an hour I had them in my department for five.”

“Five…why/”

“Casts had a ward clerk and an aid call in sick.”

“Ouch.”

See usually in a bigger hospital there’s casts done in the ER or there’s a othro clinical bunch that runs a space so that once your break or fracture is scanned and diagnosed and if it’s just run of the mill you get sent to them to do it. This frees up the ER and it helps all the way around since othro does a lots of that work as their work.

But short staffing makes backlogs and even a ward clerk or an aid slows things. Especially the clerks when you have either a new clerk or a nurse doing it instead and ward aids they do everything that helps with flow in a department and they work really hard too.

Losing two would make the whole thing just effing drag and drag like hell.

She nods and we both step out of the way of some younger girls who give us the looks that you can only get from teenagers who are wondering why you’re even there or something like that.

I grin at heather and she grins back and I dry off and open my little pouch and take out a brush and comb and mirror and get myself back in order and stuff and there’s a look of want at my stuff from the tens but I offer both to heather as I start to re-apply sun screen.

“Thanks, so how are you settling in?”

“Pretty good, it’s been a process with the move and things that cropped up with my brother.”

“Your brother?”

“Matt, he was killed in a MVA and of all the people who knew me or were family he was never a shit-bag about my transition.”

“Oh shit hon, I’m sorry to here that, you came down to take care of things?”

“No, that was already done and everything before that except Matt left me everything he had here.”

“Everything?”

“House, and I was next of kin on his insurance.”

“Why? I mean if you don’t mind me asking?”

I look at her. “Honestly Heather I don’t know, we were sort of close when we were younger but that wasn’t much and it was the old me and then well I moved and then he moved and we never saw each other again.”

“Did you write and e-mail?”

“A little, mostly once or twice a year and Matt never owned a computer he had all the x-box stuff but no computer. So we sent gifts and stuff and wrote letters for the holidays and stuff.”

“Sending stuff’s good I’d like something’s from Canada.”

“And I liked the things that he’d send too, pictures of things he did and places he worked and postcards and stuff or like art. It was special since he really was the only one who actually bothered and I’d send him things too like food from home but also some of the local stuff.”

“Local stuff?”’

“Junk food, maple candies when it was in season but things like bagels from home…uhm Montreal and smoked meat, cured Atlantic salmon stuff he could share with his friends and stuff like that.”

She’s smiling. “That’d be really nice. I’m not that close to my family either they’re kind of a bunch of Bogans and they have this whole idea that I’m all stuck up for not wanting my kids to get hauled down either.”

“Bogans?”

“Rednecks.”

“Oh….I totally get that parts of my family were like that with me too even before my transition. It wasn’t a manly thing to do it was kind of like being a nurse.”

I do air-quotes then look at her. “Not that there’s a damn thing wrong with nursing.”

She nods. “Oh I know, they see what they want and think what they want…I just want better for my kids it’s why I moved here.”

“Family can suck.”

Heather gets a look on her face and there’s more there, a bunch of it and she just sort of nods. “Yeah…nothing like blood to think that being sociopaths and stuff’s excusable…sorry.”

“No…heck no, you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe some time.”

We’re disturbed by two kids a boy and a girl running up and they’re wet and stuff and they’re going over and over again. “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…can we go to Maccas? Can we go to Maccas?”

And I’m…well stumped. “Maccas?”

Her daughter crows. “Mac Don nalds”

Heather’s looking like she’s kind of under the pump about it and I look at her. “You and the kids want to join us?”

She looks surprised. “Us?”

I point over to Rudy and Sam and say. “We have lots extra really.”

She bites her lower lip. “Are you sure it looks like you’re having a day.”

I nod. “We are but days are better shared with friends right?”

She still looks like she’s on the fence. “No traffic, no pick up round abouts.”

She sighs and she gives me a sheepish smile. “Okay…as long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

We get the two kids sort of and we walk and they sort of run over and Heather’s looking him over.

“Not bad, you worked fast.”

I blush. “Well he’s my builder.”

“Oh, well tradey lads can be a lot of fun.”

I nod. “I think it’s more than that though.”

She looks at me and I sort of shrug. “He cares, and he knows and he doesn’t care about that.”

“Well that a plus, have you/”

I shake my head. “No, not yet but I’ve been really close to wanting to.”

“Would he?”

“No idea, but he’d likely wait.”

“Well that’s good too.”

I nod. “He’s special.”

Rudy looks over at me and he stares at us and then it seems to occur to him that we’re both talking about him and he starts to blush in that good way.

It makes heather and I both laugh and we head over to the coolers and the basket and start taking stuff out to set up for the beachside meal and everything.

I’m unfurling the table clothe with a smile and Sam’s with the twins or their with him and Rudy and he’s letting them have a go at the tongs and they’re all fascinated and stuff and heather takes the other end and helps me and we do one of the things we used to do home and that’s take a staple gun and staple the four ends of the table clothe to the picnic table and I just look and smile.

Rudy and Sam, Heather and her two…family maybe and the start of maybe friends.

We get the food done and we have a bit of everything, salad and potato salad and mine goes over really well or the old, old recipe from home does and that’s just the one with then boiled potatoes and then there’s diced sweet onion and canned peas and chunks of hard boiled eggs and you use mayo or Miracle whip if your home with a couple of table spoons of sour cream and some celery salt and black pepper and a bit of mustard.

I have the leftovers of the ones from the other night too and some of my leftover fried chicken which the three kids demolish and Rudy’s doing a sort of a sampler with the local beef in a couple of really nice looking steaks and then the local lamb with burgers well he’s actually doing sliders and stuff and then there’s the sausages and there’s of course hot dogs which you’d think would be sort of the same as home but they taste different here and I’m used to a whole different flavor even if they’re the nasty factory stuff.

I actually cook a really, really mean or amazing boiled hot dog.

I’m a Mon-re-aller and we do Le-hot dog really well.

It’s actually turning into a lot of fun as the kids take breaks between food to play on the cool playground here at the beach while we watch out for them and stuff our own faces and listen to the local radio and talk, kids, school stuff hospital stuff so I’m not left out and food as we’re talking about stuff like Saint John and Montreal and the stuff I grew up with there and ate and things and the stuff we have home that’s not here and the two of them talking about stuff that they have here that Rudy wants me to try.

You ever have one of those really great days?

We even took a sunning break from things as Rudy took stuff and made a place for the kids once run out and stuffed to crash in the back of the truck and stuff.

An afternoon walk on the beach up and down and beach combing a little. I have my first baggy of shells and smoothed down beach glass and Rudy actually had a baggy just for using a stick he found and speared the odd bit of trash as we went and Sam and them helping.

We made some sand castles and things and Rudy took the boys while Heather and I had Tara and she and I’ll have to say me too had a nice little bit of just girl time as we did more sunscreen and we brushed and combed out our hair and stuff form all the moisture and beach wind and we just sat and sunned as girls.

Supper we met a few more parents and stuff and I have a bit of a burn even with the sunscreen and we all sort of talk and end up pooling some of our resources it’s kind of surprising because there’s a few people ith the whole plan was a bit of beach and swimming and a pack of hot dogs without buns on the public grills with their kids and honestly there was a couple of teens that looked like that was the whole meal plan as they arrived on bikes.

Rudy kind of got it together as the kids showed up with some of the other kids and some they knew from school I guess and it just sort of snowballed.

And honestly it was just leftover of ours and pooled packs of hot dogs and other things but we all just sort of gathered together.

We left shortly after dark was starting to be a thing and the mosquitoes decided they didn’t care about the beach air and must of smelled us all well fed and decided to do the same.

It was a really, really good day.

Even just driving home and with Sam falling all over me completely worn out and asleep and mumbling it was perfect.

We stop at my place and Rudy get’s my things and dishes and he carries them for me and I can’t help but to look back at Sam still in the truck and part of me does this sigh.

Rudy sets the things on the counter and he looks me in the eyes and he kisses me.

“We have time right?”

I nod.

“It’s just I don’t want to rush this, not with how good this is and Sam.”

I nod and swallow. “I get that. I really do and I want to whole thing Rudy, even the waiting.”

He has this soft look on his face. “I know that this whole single dad thing’s not what you’re used to Morgan.”

“No, but the thing is Rudy you’re both worth it, you’re both worth the wait.”

It’s true, with the way that he wraps his arms around me and the crossing of them settling into the small of my back and then he’s kissing me long ans slow and sweetly.

Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 12.

*Before…

It was a really, really good day.
Even just driving home and with Sam falling all over me completely worn out and asleep and mumbling it was perfect.
We stop at my place and Rudy gets my things and dishes and he carries them for me and I can’t help but to look back at Sam still in the truck and part of me does this sigh.
Rudy sets the things on the counter and he looks me in the eyes and he kisses me.
“We have time right?”
I nod.
“It’s just I don’t want to rush this, not with how good this is and Sam.”
I nod and swallow. “I get that. I really do and I want to whole thing Rudy, even the waiting.”
He has this soft look on his face. “I know that this whole single dad thing’s not what you’re used to Morgan.”
“No, but the thing is Rudy you’re both worth it, you’re both worth the wait.”
It’s true, with the way that he wraps his arms around me and the crossing of them settling into the small of my back and then he’s kissing me long and slowly and sweetly.

*And Now…

Never in a million years would I’d ever think that I’d be this happy. I mean there was a whole bunch of times that I was in some really bad spots and there were some times that I really wanted just out of it all and to just unplug and vanish off somewhere and somehow just be me but left alone me. Left alone me would have been unhappy as hell. And yes Rudy’s a really big part of that.

And so is Sam who makes parts of my that I’ll never have in my lifetime ache in that wanting to be a mommy way.

Actually kids in general are sort of hitting those buttons inside of me.

But I’m happy.

I have a good job and I’m getting better at it and I’m getting better at understanding Straya and getting to get along and know my co-workers and town even better and it just feels despite my age fresh and new.

I’ve thought about Rudy and I and some people might be all hung up on the fact he’s one of the first guys that I’ve met here and that I’m so hung up on him. Actually in love with him but we’re taking it slow.

After my ex and what I know of his slow’s good, especially with a child in the mix.

But there’s a time when you are allowed to see a good thing for exactly what it is.
And he’s not perfect but he’s a good thing.

It’s been two months since the beach party get together.

Two months and it’s gone by so fast but it’s been good too.

He doesn’t work on my place now it’s all done and he’s moved onto other jobs and as it turns out he’s in a decent demand for his skill with doing cabinets and the stuff he can do with tilework too and he has some regular landscaping clients too.

Some of them have fruit trees and there’s things that he drops off that he was given that are just sort of mind boggling to me that these things are growing in yards here.

I have more lemons and limes than I knew what to do with so i bought some kitchen appliances and some mason jars and I can cook and I can bake even though the heat here is still something that I am trying to get used to.

And the blackflies sometimes and the mozzies… that’s mosquitoes back home and when you’re in town you’re kind of sort of sheltered but when you’re home it’s a different thing.

I made lemon jelly with some of the lemons and that’s a lot like just a lemon marmalade and I juiced some of them and you can keep the juice frozen and that actually works great for me and making drinks.

And lemonade, I adore lemonade really.

And I made pies and tarts and even if I’m sick of eating them Rudy will eat them and so will the people at work too.

I’ve learned to really like persimmons they’re this fruit that sort of tastes to me like ripe papaya and a little of cantaloupe but as a shape and the fruit itself they remind me of a tomato a lot.

There’s still lots to get used to like the prices on some things.

Lamb, it’s cheap here and even if the locals don’t think so try buying lamb the quality here and frequency here in Montreal it’s way less available and more expensive. The beef is amazing here too and I’ve been exploring various butcher places around the city just looking and seeing what they have to offer.

I don’t like Emu; it’s like a strong flavor to me.

And on Rudy’s days off…today he took me to Princess Charlotte Seafood’s and the place is huge. I mean huge for me and I’m from Saint John we’re a Bay of Fundy Port and I will tell you that not even on our best day do we come close to that place.

I don’t know yet what half of the things were but he bought a bunch of Blue-eye and we cooked them home on my grill nice and slow and crisp and they were a nice fish. Actually not like anything I ever had before and I’d never just had it the way that Rudy served it up either with two bottle of white and he made this oil out of olive oil and lemon juice and the zest and some garlic and lots of parsley and capers and salt and pepper of course.

He had some of the Naan bread he’d heat up on the grill and we’d eat bites of fish with that oil dip and feed each other and drink wine.

And Sam?

Rudy’s Mum was up and she was babysitting.

And she’s staying for a while too.

Because she wants to meet me.

....................
……………….

I roll over in the bed in his arms and I’m in my under things and he’s in his since we’re still not there yet and I look at him.

“She wants to meet me?”

He rolls and gets comfortable and he looks at me. “Yeah she’s tired of just hearing about you.”

“I have never talked to the woman so much as on the phone yet.”

“So? Isn’t it better this way?”

I sit up and look at him. “Really? So just what am I going to say to her when things about me come up like me getting my operation and stuff? I mean you’re amazing hon and I love you but I’m not so sure that your mother’s going to take things the same way.”

“Well she knows.”

“What!”

I can’t help it it’s the reaction that I had when it comes to something like this…being Trans is scary. Being Trans home’s pretty bad but I’ve seen enough stuff in the paper to watch where I go and who’s hanging about.

And be thankful for my car because as bad as the traffic can be it’s not as bad as French drivers and the trains here while they’re nice trains oh sweet Jesus the horror stories from the girls at work.

Bogans the trains and stops are full of Bogans.

There’s enough transphobia around for me to freak a little at being outed.

Rudy’s sitting up and he’s moved to sitting cross legged on the bed which is for him this sign that he’s taking this really seriously. He does it watching sports he’s into on the couch or movies too.

“It’s okay Sam told her.”

“Oh…”

I don’t know why it’s different coming from a kid but it is.

“So what happened?”

I move so I’m sitting and matching him and we sometimes do this sitting facing each other so that our knees are touching and we’re looking into each other’s faces.

“We were home and she was asking him what was new and instead about talking about school or his favorite game he said just right out of the blue. I might have a new mum.”

He rubs at the back of his neck a bit embarrassed. “Needless to say mum stopped her baking for a bit.”

I nod. “What she’d say?”

Rudy blushes. “Well mum being mum she broke out the golden’s and sat Sam on the porch and grilled him over you and all and he said she’s a girl but she wasn’t like born that way.”

A golden is an ice cream bar brand called Golden Gaytime and yes it’s an old name. But they’re stuff actually pretty good.

“And what’d your mum say?”

“You dad’s dating a man?”

Ouch.

He looks at me. “Sam looked at her and he actually set down the ice cream bar and he poked her in the chest with his finger and he said like he was all mad at her. Who you are’s in there grandmum Morgan’s a girl, she’s like a super girl.”

Oh…

Oh that sweet little man.

I wipe at my eyes and Rudy reaches out and wipes some of my tears away too. “There wasn’t much she could really say after that and so she asked questions instead about the things that we do together and what you’re like and she wants to meet you.”

“But she said…?”

He nods. “Yeah I know but she hasn’t said it since and she’s not the kind to cling to something like that.”

I look at him. “Maybe hon but there’s a lot of stuff people will shut up and cling to around the people they love.”

He nods really quietly and he looks me in the eyes.

“I really do want you two to meet but this isn’t an interview Morgan I love you and I’m not asking her for permission.”

I nod and I swallow. “When?”

“Whenever you want dad’s having himself a vacation while she’s gone.”

“What does he think?”

Rudy does a little chuckle. “Well dad’s dad and his first bit was as long as you love her it’s none of my business son. Then he saw a picture of you and he said holy Christmas look at those tits!”

I’m blushing and yet I’m smiling between my implants and I wanted size and now the hormones I have a very, very nice set of breasts.

I look at him and I bite my lip and I shift so I’m up on my knees and I’m kissing him and I reach up and over and unhook my bra.

“You mean these?”

He stares a second in this really gratifying way and he nods. “Definitely those, oh my god Morgan what are you doing to me?”

“It’s been way past three dates Rudy.”

He’s nodding but still eyes locked onto my breasts like he hasn’t seen breasts for a long time and the reaction is well I’m not going to lie it’s exactly what I had been dreaming of.”

I get up and walk off the bed backwards and smile at him. “I’m going to get cleaned up, I’ll be right back.”

He nods and watches me go and I get cleaned up both inside and out and of course wouldn’t you know it all of the excitement goes to exactly where I don’t want it to go and I swallow and take a deep breath and walk out and bite my lower lips.

“Hey…”

And he looks at me and he smiles.

Even with that going on.

“Gosh you’re lovely.”

I blush and I make my way to the bed and I get out some condoms from the bed table and some lube and set them on the sheets and I keep going across the bed until we’re kissing.

“Good answer bucko.”

He smiles at me and it’s not his boyish one it’s this deep loving kind of smile. “That’s because it’s the truth Morgan.”

We kiss and kiss and his hands sink to my breasts and his touch is magic. Oh I’ve done lots of touching and I’ve a toy and I’ve had my Rudy and me dreams and fantasies but my touch isn’t his touch and his touch is a lot better.

Rougher but in a good way, his hands are hot and big and they’re rough and his mouth is so hot and wet and the things that he’s doing to me.

It’s a pure pleasure thing that no guy can really get as it sort of reaches into you with such a depth…there’s so many nerves and feelings and they’re so widespread and they’re so big and they feel…I love having breasts and I love having big breasts I do and I don’t even have the words to express the levels of pleasure and satisfaction.

Well there’s this…the feelings for me and I don’t know about natural born women but the feeling are so satisfying in that dysphoria shattering sort of way.

Amazing and validating and Rudy is making sounds come out of me that I usually don’t make but they’re me, that deep down me and they’re affirming too.

“Schooch up here and straddle me honey.” I tell him and he looks confused and he’s sort of doing it and he looks like he’s scared to because he’s a big guy and I wriggle my butt and self-down and I grab the lube and I squirt some into my hand and on him and then a little in my cleavage and I pull him to my chest.

Rudy’s eyes go huge. “Really?”

I nod. “Guys like that right?”

He looks at me. “I’ve never Morgan.”

“Well hon it is my idea.”

He looks at me and he bites his lip and in extreme boner he actually says to me. “We can still wait; you don’t have to do this for me.”

I look at him and I stroke his cock, it’s actually a really nice one too about seven inches and he’s cut but it’s still very, very nice.

“I know but I want you, and did you ever thing that I want this and the feelings of us making love together as something to draw strength from when I go and meet your mum?”

“Me…me giving you strength…oh hell girl you’re half the reason I wake up and do stuff in the mornings now Morgan. Sam’s the other half but before you I was a dad but the rest was just a builder-bloke going through the motions.”

I use his cock and I pull him to me and he comes willingly and it’s a little clumsy at first and I will say it’s sort of fun and kinky but sexually it’s only kind of a thing…it feels good , it feels a hell of a lot better once he gets his hands on them and starts feeling and doing things that way while he’s pumping away and he gets some lube on his hands and on my nipples and he’s slippery twirling my nipples really fast as he’s getting faster and faster and when he pops I’m so aching and worked up that the hot shooting streams covering my chest send me over the edge myself and I pop.

He pulls away. “Did you just?”

I nod, it was a pop and a long overdue one for myself really but the feelings were far more powerful than any volume I did.

Rudy on the other hand well he’s had that pent up first cum and I get some Kleenex and I wipe myself down. It has a serious funk scent to it. That first in a long time does actually for everyone I guess it’s stuff in your stuff guy or girl that builds up.

I clean him off pretty good and I kiss him and then I roll us over until he’s on bottom and I kiss my way down to his cock and I start giving him a blowjob to get him hard again.

Okay I’m no expert on that either having really little experience that way but I don’t bite and I don’t gag either but I don’t actually try to swallow him either.

I know that’s not going to happen.

But he gets hard again and that’s a plus and once he is I suck on that for a while before I get out a condom and I slide it onto him and it thankfully fits and I’d been just guess from the size of his boners that I’ve felt before.

I roll over and he follows me and I pass him the lube and he gets some and he starts to lube me up and finger me but he does it with one hand while he’s kissing me and playing with my right breast.

I’m bi or something and I have liked and loved girls before but I’ve also discovered that I like men, I really like men and that real is far, far better than a toy.

He’s a little thicker than my toy and he’s a little longer but he’s alive and there’s this feeling of another person’s body heat all heated up because of passion and pheromones and all that good stuff and he feels so hot as he’s sinking into me.

We make love for a long time, I pop twice before it’s just happy twitchy sort of orgasms after than but Rudy is just a machine and he keeps getting there and then recovers and we go through five condoms before the very last session is like three AM and he actually stops after that and immediately gets a runners stitch in his side.

Me…I’m just sort of sweat soaked and just…just amazingly made love to and well not to be vulgar but well and beautifully fucked.

I shove a pillow between my legs and sort of squeeze since the last two were missionary like and my legs and thighs are sore from being wrapped around him.

I deeply exhale as it’s soft and soothing. “Oh wow, oh my bunny.”

Rudy laughs. “Bunny what the hell?”

I reach over and I pull him to kiss me and he rolls over and he has such a happy smile and he’s sweat soaked too and he looks amazingly beautiful to me.

“Well buns you know and it’s not a beaver or a pussy.”

He bursts out laughing and it’s something that goes right to my heart literally as he keeps laughing and he pulls me to him and buries his face in my chest and he laughs.

And that feels good and I’m more than giddy too and we’re both laughing and I wince some. “Ow…”

He breathes against me. “You okay?”

“I hurt, I’m sore and in a really good way sir, you have a very powerful and sturdy dick Bucko.”

I feel him blushing and he says into my chest. “Well I had help.”

“Little blue help?”

He nods.

I laugh. “I thought something was up.”

Rudy goes. “Booo…that was bad.” Into my chest and I giggle but I can feel him smiling.

I run my fingers through his damp hair and say. “You really didn’t need to use that hon.”

“I’m thirty five Morgan tow maybe three would be like it that’s all, hell that’d be everything and I wanted to make a good impression.”

“Good impression, Jesus Rudy we nearly boffed a whole through the bed not leave a dent. If you did me any harder then I wouldn’t need SRS you’d have boffed it off and carved me a fanny.”

He’s laughing into my breasts and my chest again and he kisses my breastbone. “That might be a plan we can attempt.”

I laugh. “I don’t think it’ll work honey but I’ll give it a go for sure.”

We just sort of lay there in this big sweaty pile of intertwined happy before end up giving him a nudge.

“Let’s go.”

“Mmmm…where?”

“Your place, if I’m going to go and meet your mom I want to do it on my terms.”

He looks up at me. “Your terms?”

I look down at him. “I want to go there and make you all breakfast.”

He stares at me. “Okay…seriously okay.”

I smiles and we sort of sit up and we kiss slowly but it’s really long and deeply and sweetly with a sort of feeling we weren’t letting come through before now.

It’s really, really amazing.

Kissing can be amazing.

We get up and I carry off the sheets to get them in the wash and make coffee and then get a shower and we leave after two cups and I have the sheets out on the line to dry and we get in his truck and he head out to his house and it’s still really early.

I fought to get out of a relationship and I’m damned well woman enough to fight and keep this one too.