While at work today I experienced an epiphany... I think the thought was something along the lines of I might actually be able to catch up with my reading of Angharad's Bike serial if I could just copy a buncha chapters to my phone in audio format and listen to them while at work... Which led me to, well, what if other people wanted to listen to my story while doing other things instead of taking the time out of their day just to specifically read. Or maybe even they might want to read along with me and hear the way I voice the characters in my head when writing.

Therefore, from now on, I am going to start doing official readings of all chapters of anything I write and post to BC. For now, that's only Open Your Heart.

If I do this before posting up the text version, it could cause a delay in chapters being posted, so I'd be interested in the opinions of my readers whether I should just post up each chapter hot off the keyboard and do the readings after and add them with a quick edit. Or if I should write each chapter, do the reading, and then post both at the same time.

When I finish the book, I'll add a link on the books title page to an archive of cdrom image files containing the entire book as an AudioBook. Additionally, a PDF containing a copy of the book formatted as I would envision it looking if published on paper.

I dunno if I'd be interested in getting myself set up with Lulu or anything, probably not. Free downloads and it's up to you to print/burn/whatever on your own. This and any future stories will be the same.

Well, I don't know for sure how long it'll take me to finish readings for the current two chapters, I'll be sure to reply to this blog post when I do.

Thoughts?

Subject says it all. If you don't want to go back to the story page:

http://www.mediafire.com/?2od89xe980h4ujc

In other news... Chapter 3 is going to be further delayed... Not sure when I'll be able to finish it, but I ended up running all over town on errands yesterday cutting into what would have been writing time.

So... Chapter 3 could possibly be done... maybe.

I'm having difficulty deciding whether to post the chapter as-is, with only half as many words as the other two chapters so far and most other chapters are likely to have, and this, having taking over twice as long to write. Or, switch back from Janet's perspective to Drew's and keep writing (which is what would happen anyways, but as a new chapter), probably wind up taking until late Sunday to finish, and ending up with a chapter-and-half chapter length.

I know what caused the difference in chapter length. If anything, we learn even more about the background of the situation in this chapter than we have in either of the other two chapters, but Janet's mind operates at a different meter than Drew's does, and this caused a faster general pacing, resulting in fewer words to demonstrate the information in.

In actuality, only very little real-time has passed, Janet spends the entire time thinking about the first two times she met Drew, and the first time her and Jack's daughter did.

Since there will be a mostly harmless shower scene, I'm probably going to raise the rating to R for this chapter, simply because there will be some description of female nudity and bathing. Nothing overtly sexual, thanks to it being from Drew's perspective, were the same shower scene written from Christina's perspective... Might have to take it up even higher ;P

Honestly, as much as I avoid gratuitous sexuality, the subject matter alone for this story really isn't suitable for anyone who wouldn't be permitted to an R movie. It's not necessarily because it'd put any nasty thoughts in a younger persons head, though it could, especially with the upcoming scene in chapter 3, but because I highly doubt they'd even understand what they're reading. I mean, really understand it.

Better get used to it. Unfathomably, they seem to actually like my performance at work and plan to keep me around at least to first snow. It was originally supposed to be just a summer job, just till my brother got back on his feet, but he's back on his feet, and they've extended my hire. Now let's just see if they extend it again through the winter months...

Anyways, since I work full-time, usually prepare my own meals, and sleep most of the remaining time through the week, I only really have weekends to myself, either to write, or read. I got myself into Little Katie's God Bless the Child, and so now I'll likely be spending the entire weekend reading that.

I'm not really neglecting writing on purpose... but I really do have limited time to myself. I can't dare to start writing during the week with the hour or two before bedtime after dinner, because if I do, I might get too involved in it and wind up not sleeping - not good when I have to get up at 6:30 to get ready for an 8 hour work shift at hard manual labor.

Some of you may already know some of this.

Anyways, in the first chapter of Open Your Heart (hitherto referred to as OYH), Drew mentions that he's been taking herbal supplements to keep his hormonal imbalance somewhat controlled. I haven't yet mentioned what, though this will come up in Chapter 4 whenever I manage to write it. So right now, I'm going to describe the science behind what I'm writing, for two reasons. First, I don't want anyone going off and telling me it's not possible, when I know full well it is, when I use it in OYH. Second, maybe some of you might find it useful knowledge so you don't inadvertently mess up your own hormonal balance with your diet. Which I think I've done myself, now that I've done all this research for my story... and I think may be the cause of my gynaecomastia and other feminizing features, such as my feet narrowing, and my fingers slimming, my waist narrowing, and my hips widening... none of it is all that severe, but then I probably don't consume nearly high enough concentrations...

Anyways, it's important to know how your body creates its hormones for any of this to make sense, so, a chart:

The chart doesn't list what "A" stands for in the T->E switch, it's aromatase.

There're two main ways to manipulate your hormonal balance herbally. The first, is by preventing the reduction/conversion stages from occurring.

Now, say you do something to prevent 5-alpha-reductase from working. This is called a 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor. A popular herbal treatment for men with male-pattern baldness or prostate problems is Saw Palmetto. Saw Palmetto is also a common ingredient in hair removal creams that advertise inhibiting of hair regrowth. Why? Saw Palmetto acts as a powerful 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor. By inhibiting 5-alpha-reductase, free testosterone cannot be converted to dihydrotestosterone, which causes hair loss on the scalp, hair growth on the body, and all other secondary masculine traits to occur. The only thing free testosterone is good for is muscle growth. Saw Palmetto is also a common ingredient in steroid cocktails for that reason, steroid users want to get muscles, but they don't want the problems associated with excess "sex hormone" testosterone. So, to summarize, if you inhibit 5-alpha-reductase activity in your body, you become less masculine. The most powerful herb to do this with is Saw Palmetto. Saw Palmetto can also act as a mild phytoestrogen, covered later.

Next, say you do something to inhibit aromatase activity. This one should be obvious. The only way to make estrogens is to convert it from androgens. The only thing your body can use to convert androgens to estrogens is aromatase. If you block aromatase activity, you block estrogen development in your body. Luckily, for those who WANT to become more feminine, very very very few naturally occurring substances that you might eat can do this. Of course, in Drew Pattengales case, he was becoming more feminine, and wanted to stop it, so, he had to find something that could. The most powerful aromatase inhibitor, even more powerful than prescription drugs, is the bark of a phellodendron. The phellodendron genus of deciduous trees is common in the Far East, and is a known invasive species anywhere that deciduous trees can grow. The bark is used to treat all kinds of things in traditional Chinese medicine, so if you are female, or an MtF transsexual, you are strongly advised to be cautious of any herbal remedies claiming to be a traditional Chinese one! For the purposes of OYH, I'm going to claim that Drew was able to discover a large quantity of the trees on the apt complex property and has been harvesting the bark himself. Drew just recently harvested a large amount of it and... well, you'll just have to read and find out when I get there.

There's another way to manipulate your hormonal balance with what you eat as well. This is by eating things that directly act as though they are the desired hormone. These are known as phyto-hormones. Phyto means plant-based.

To boost your estrogen count, you can eat something with high phytoestrogens. Interestingly, for you drunks out there, alcoholic beverages, and beer especially, are known to be high in phytoestrogens... Now, I'm not telling you to go out and get drunk, obviously there are better ways. Soy. Soy is extremely high in phytoestrogens, and is also known to be the opposite of an aromatase inhibitor, it actually boosts your metabolism of aromatase... Which is good on two counts for women or MtF's, by keeping your unused aromatase low, you keep fat off better, and, by boosting your metabolism of aromatase more free testosterone becomes natural estrogen. For men who don't want to grow boobs... now you have a reason to tell your wife not to feed you those veggie-burgers anymore. ;)

For those curious about why beer is NOT a good way to feminize: #1: it'd take too much to be effective at changing your overall hormonal balance, #2: instead of being an aromatase booster, it's high in aromatase, and it acts as an aromatase inhibitor. Unused aromatase == fat, well, not exactly, but aromatase that isn't metabolized gets stored in your fat cells and actually makes them worse.

You can also eat things that boost your progesterone. Progesterone is a mood-altering hormone for both genders, and you ought to be careful with it, any excess gets converted to androgens, or cortisols, while you can notice significant improvement to your mood and slight improvement to your ability to concentrate. Or it can go opposite. There's really very few foods that can boost this, but one of the better ones is chasteberry. The fruit, obviously, not other parts of the plant. Chasteberry fruit, however, really really should be used with caution by any male who wants to remain male, it acts as a moderately strong 17,20-lyase inhibitor. While you can get estrogens from plants, you can't get testosterone from plants. Inhibiting your testosterone at that level can also cause full, irreversible, chemical castration if your organs go and stay dormant for too long. You can hope that the one remaining route to testosterone that remains open is enough to keep the organs from completely shutting down, but I don't think you'd want to risk it. (I'm told 6 months, but I'm not sure on the accuracy of that).

Anyways... about why I think this is all related to why I'm feminizing... I'm taking Saw Palmetto for male-pattern baldness, Chasteberry fruit for anti-depressant, and my diet is high in soy. Yeah... I'm hitting it big time.

To be honest, even though I do not believe myself to be transgender, I don't feel any NEED to be female rather than male, I'm not all that bothered by it, and now that I know my diet's likely to blame, and nothing in it is likely to cause me significant grief later in life, I don't honestly give a care.

It'll be interesting as my breasts continue to develop and my figure continues to feminize, finding clothes that fit decently without resorting to cross-dressing though... And I imagine my parents might take it poorly when it gets to the point that I -have- to start wearing a bra. Ah well, maybe I'll have my own place by then and if they want to get all pissy about it, they can just deal with me not wanting to be around them.

I suppose I could see about getting hold of some of that phellodendron bark and see if that helps to at least stem it, but I'm not sure I'd want to risk unused aromatase causing me problems.

Well, this has turned into a very very long explanation, I'm not sure I can even touch half of this in prose without making my readers go cross-eyed. So, when I do push out Chapter 4 of OYH, I will be putting asterisks next to all references to anything covered in this blog entry, and at the end of the chapter, where I've been shamelessly plugging my music, explaining a few extra tidbits, and shamelessly requesting feedback, I will put a link to this blog entry.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT EXCEPT FOR SOY, ALL OF THESE THINGS CAN BE VERY VERY DANGEROUS IF USED IMPROPERLY. I SEVERELY RECOMMEND THAT YOU USE THIS INFORMATION AS A WARNING, AND NOT TRY TO INTENTIONALLY CHANGE YOUR BODY CHEMISTRY WITHOUT THE AID OF A SPECIALIST.

Kudos to anyone who actually managed to read this whole thing to this point. Thanks for giving me so much of your very valuable attention.

EDIT: Corrected the info on progestins, some additional information came to me that suggested my previous information was incomplete, in a bad way. Also, added a further warning, in all caps, near the end. In case someone forgot along the way.

Drew Pattengale told me something very interesting at work today, but I'm not sharing.

Ok, ok, I'll give you a hint. When I first started writing Open Your Heart, I had no idea what was causing Pattengale's hormonal imbalance. He told me at work today what it is. But I'm not telling you any more than that! Well, ok, it's not his diet.

I will tell you that this additional bit has cinched it for me, when OYH concludes sometime next year at the soonest, there'll be a sequel. The sequel will be titled Come to the Grace, and I'm still trying to figure out what to call the two books together, as well as any other novels written about Drew, if there are more. Though "Ask For Forever" is kind of in my mind for that.

I know, I'm a horrible horrible tease. It's my way of living my motto: Play Hard, Laugh Harder. It's all about having fun.

By the way, the cumulative meaning of the three titles ought to give you a very very big hint. Especially if you listen to the lyrics of "Open Your Heart" by Yuki Kajiura and "Everlasting" by Kokia.

Yep. I'm evil. And proud of it.

I hope you all can understand that with what I am going through right now, I really can't even begin to think about writing Open Your Heart.

Don't worry though, I do not plan to give up on it or stop writing it! I merely need to work out my own life before I can help Pattengale with their life.

Even when I do start pushing chapters out again, they will likely be very slow in coming.

Abigail Drew.