The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #1: The not-so-prodigal daughter To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's hard to do a Jack Nicholson imitation in text, but I'd like to say that "I'm baaack!"

Yes, that's right - I am back from my self-imposed exile from BC.   As I went through my quest to find myself, my quest, though only partly done, brought me to an unexpected realization that, well, I've already found myself.   Mostly.   And I think being around my friends here will not make me lose perspective nor cause me to lose all that I have learned about relying on myself.    (To understand what I'm talking about, see http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/24045/working-girl-blog-5... )

I now think that visiting here, or posting or blogging once in a while won't cause me to "un-learn" anything in any way, and contrary to how many post-op TS folk feel, I feel okay to be here.   Don't get me wrong - I am still as neurotic as heck.   But I guess the fundamental thing is that I am not fighting the idea that I am really a girl, and that I am deserving to be a girl.   And that I believe there is a future for me.

Those simple lessons came at a high price, and my old Working Girl blogs perhaps hinted a little bit about that (see http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs ).   But in the winter of 2010, I finally took the finals and passed.   Not with flying colors, perhaps, but passed nevertheless.

I am woman, hear me roar (or perhaps in my case, a tiny five-foot-tall meow).

So with this new assurance, I think I am safe to try and rejoin everyone here in the old stomping grounds.

For the past few weeks, I've been dipping my toe to test the waters, posting a couple of comments in some blogs, emailing some of my old BC friends, talking with some new BC folks via Yahoo, and visiting the ole chat room (but I have been a bit unlucky with the chat room since the old gang hasn't been visiting or maybe they have but I've just been unlucky with the timing).

I guess it's like someone peeking through the doorway, and looking around first before coming in.   

So here I am.

Like I said, lots have happened.   I am more-or-less okay with my folks, I am not too sure about the family on pop's side but those on ma's side seem okay with me, I am paradoxically relating better with my sis, my best friend knows about everything now and nothing seems to have changed between us, and my roommate and I moved out of the old apartment in DC and now have an honest-to-goodness house of our own ten miles away.   Still got the old Suzuki, but with all the expenses, Cricket won't be getting a brother or sister anytime soon.   That's not a problem since my roommate doesn't drive, so we will remain a one-car family for the foreseeable future, or until she finally gets the nerve to start learning to drive.

Yes, we are a family.   I now have a life-partner.   And that's the reason for the name of the blog.   Stuff to tell, but maybe later.

Suffice it to say, my little family of two's not perfect, but I think we are okay.   Superfine, actually.   Having a partner is pretty new to me.   My one miss that one other time didn't go well.   But this time it's different.

So you see it's no wonder I think it's great to be back.

Btw, stories comin up in a couple of days, too :)

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #2: Bob the Bear To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I just found out Bob Arnold passed away.

I knew him, that is to say, I barely knew him.   I had no occasion to talk with him, whether via a PM here in BC or via an email, much less interact with him in the real world.   I guess that's my loss.

I knew him more as the owner and administrator of the Stardust website, as well as the administrator of the shared chat room of Stardust and BC, which I used to be a frequent visitor of.   Nowadays, I don't anymore since my old gang doesn't visit it anymore as well.   I remember with fondness those days when the old gang and I would stay late into the night and talk about nothing and everything, where conversations would spontaneously ebb and flow, and, as the night wore on, each of us would sign off and grab some shuteye, or whatever, typically leaving me and Mutabilis as the last to be on-line (Mutabilis coz of a flipped-over time zone n me coz of insomnia), only to be back in there again the following night   And, in those few times when the chat room would shut down and all of us started feeling withdrawal pains, Bob Arnold would post a reassuring blog that, although the chat room was down, he'd have it up in short order.   And he was always as good as his word - the chat room would be back up pretty quickly.

As just a user of the site and the chat room, I, like most users, take the stuff we get from the site for granted, rarely sparing a thought to what it takes to keep them going.   I hate to think that Bob, perhaps even Erin and all the others in the community who give us such service (the one that comes to mind is Crystal and her site, Storysite), felt taken for granted. At the very least, I would want to send him a short PM, saying, "thanks, Bob, for taking care of the site," but it's too late now since he's gone.

I am a Christian (though since transition, I'm a little unsure of what particular kind anymore since organized religion hasn't really pigeonholed people like me yet), and as one, I believe in an afterlife, so I can actually post it here and know that he will read it.   But for me, such messages, such conversations, are private things best done one-on-one.   Catholics know all about such one-on-one conversations, when they light their candles in church and say a silent whispered prayer that only their loved ones will hear.   When we say something like "farewell" or "God bless" or "I miss you" or "I love you" out loud, I have this sneaking suspicion that its actually meant for other people.   I mean, would you yell "I love you" across a crowded coffeehouse at your beloved, unless you meant for others to hear?

So it is a declaration, to everyone, instead of a message meant just for Bob, when I say "thank you, and I will miss you."

When I finished all of my surgical operations late August or September of '04, and I was home recuperating and looking for a job online, worrying about what the future will bring, I became an avid fan and frequent visitor of sites like Fictionmania and Crystal's Storysite (of course, back then, FM was a much more friendly site, and less hardcore than it is now, with less arguments in their chats and less... graphic stories that paid more attention to people interaction than to anything else).   And I spent my days reading these stories, alleviating my loneliness with the wonderful stories I found there.     

I can't remember where I read one of Bob's stories - in FM, Storysite maybe, or some other site (it was seven years ago, after all) - a story with the title, "Zapped."   For a scifi-slash-comicbook fan, a title like that was like a red cape being waved in front of a bull.   When I read it, though, I was initially disappointed coz instead of being about some costumed guy who wore a cape and underwear on the outside performing amazing feats of derring-do, or people exploring a planet populated by killer cyborgs with bad skin conditions, it was a story about a former-guy named Jennifer Stevens, and how she made her way through life, discovering love, happiness and purpose.   I couldn't have found a better time to read such a story coz it, as well as several others written by other equally-talented writers, uplifted me at a time when I sorely needed it.   Thoughts of loneliness and hopelessness circled me like vultures then, and I sorely needed these stories.   I doubt I would be here now if not for some friends and these stories.

I had long connected that particular story, plus a few others, with Bob.   I had noticed that he liked to use "Bob" as the name of his lead male character in his stories, as well as the name "Bear." I therefore couldn't help but think that, for him, his stories, like mine, were like a form of wishful thinking, that it is a way to realize, even if in a virtual way, the wishes that many of us here have, projecting himself into his own stories and make his wishes come true, sort of.   Maybe Bob's nickname really was Bear.   I would like to think it was.   I suppose that's just the romantic in me.

I think he knew what was coming.   Coz in recent months, he turned over control and management of Stardust and everything connected to it to Erin.   I can only hope that it gave him a kind of solace or contentment, that he had already passed the torch.

I guess I knew Bob, then, if just the image I have pieced together in my mind.   And if the image in my mind doesn't match the reality, I'm sure Bear will understand and say, "that's okay," as he writes another story, wherever he is now, and will soon be posting it in his new website, wherever that is.

Thank you, Bear.   Wherever you are.   May you have all that you have ever wished for. I'll be lighting a candle for you tomorrow. Hope you don't think that's too silly.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #3: Getting back to writing To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

After about seven months of being away from BC, I finally posted a new story.

Well, to be more accurate, seventeen months since I posted a story, and seven months since my last regular blog. There's a long story behind that, but suffice it to say, I'm back, and I was able to knock together a story.

I'm sure there were a few who were disappointed that it wasn't the next part of the "real" Danny story, and that it was just one of those quicky day-in-the-life ones like that other one I wrote before. But I'm getting to that.

I have been having trouble finishing my Danny story, so I've   been writing other stuff to sort of get me started writing BCTS-type stories again.   I thought I needed to have some practice first - being away from BC for more than seven months seems to have affected my writing "skills", as paltry as they are.   So I have been clicking and clacking away, trying to get it going. My house mate has been curious as to what I've been typing away at, but I haven't shown her any of my half-baked stuff.

Anyway, because of this, I now have lots of bits and pieces of stuff for my two other stories here in BC, as well as for lots of new ones:   I have the next installments of my Library and Witching Hour stories well on the way now, as well as stuff for a Transformers story, a space epic, an adventure-type story, a scifi transformation story and a semi-autobiographical love story. (As you see, I am very ambitious...)

I guess, being in a different place in my life now, everything changed, and it's difficult to pick up where one left off.   It takes a while, I guess, to get that mindset back, of being able to write the same kind of stuff as before.   Truly, I have been busting my buns to try and get Danny Part 7 done, but it's going real slow despite my trying real hard.   I've shown parts of what I've already written to some friends from BC, just to get some encouragement, and hopefully to get me more motivated   (thanks, by the way, guys!).   I have high hopes that I'll get it done soon.

Anyway, with all this practice writing, I was able to piece together something - one that was a Danny story as well as being a nod to one of the  stories I like here in BC, called "The Center."

I have heard of such things happening to real writers and other artistic people, about how big life changes change them enough that they have trouble writing, like Ernest Hemingway or Tolstoi, for example, although I am not saying I am even in shouting distance of a Hemingway (although some people have commented on the similarity of my work with "A Farewell To Arms" and "For Whom the Bell Tolls".... heeheehee). And, like my pal Ernest, I struggle through my own form of writer's block. Hopefully, like Ernie, I will conquer it.

Perhaps this new post will be the start of more regular posting and blogging for me.

So... Be warned... Mwahahahahah!

p.s. Thanks to everyone who commented. I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate it.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #4: Going my way To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

This blog is a little explanation for  
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/29402/playing-part-cou... - it was a little bit unorthodox, I have to say, putting a story in the comments section, but...

Do you remember when you were a kid, when you'd spend a lot of time arguing with your friends things only kids found important, like about comic books?   Like who would win in a fight - Superman or the Hulk, or if Batman really deserved to be called a superhero, or doesn't Wonder Woman feel cold in that outfit, or what is it with the skintight costumes?   You know? Important things?

I didn't have many friends growing up, except when I was real young.   But can you really say that kids you knew when you were like seven or eight were "real" friends when you lose track of them soon after hitting puberty, and your focus changes -when comic books and other things become less important, like what's on TV start to have less significance than wearing the right thing to school so you don't get laughed at, or like when the exploits of comicbook superheroes become less important as knowing the latest schoolyard gossip.

Most of us are like that, I guess.   It's what people call "growing up" - when you start leaving your... kid stuff for other more adult stuff.   I remember that quote that goes - "when I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

There are, however, those that have difficulty doing so.  

There are a few BCTS readers out there who are very "into" the whole comic book and superhero genre.   I have recently (as in just tonight) had a run-in with a couple.   Virtual-wise only, of course - just via email.   Anyway, one of them, one of the more opinionated and vociferous critics I've met in BCTS, had a lot to say about my writing, and why I should have stayed away permanently, and how my writing "leaves much to be desire".   (that was an exact quote, as in exact)   He/she was actually the person who made me decide to leave that first time.    In fact this is the first time I've heard from him/her ever since then.   He/she also said that I "do not do superheroes injustice." (That is also an exact quote, but from the context, I think he/she meant it to have the opposite meaning.)

Ah, well.

I also had another email from another comicbook fan earlier, who had some positive stuff to say for a change.   But he had a particular concern about the just-posted story.   After a few email exchanges, we had talked it over (it's difficult to conduct a "discussion" via email, you know) and I was convinced to make an addition to the story. (see http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/29402/playing-part-cou... )

It is unusual to use BCTS's comments section to make an addition to a story, but he explained it wasn't good to add this to the story itself as it might have an impact on Danny's "real" story, but then if this wasn't posted, the ending for the Counterfeit Crusader story won't work (y'know, Ray giving Danny the tasers and other stuff).   As you see, my new friend reeeally takes his comicbook and superhero stuff seriously...

Anyway, I guess I agreed with what he said, and I agreed to go his way this time, hence the just-posted comment-as-story.   It's somewhat akin to being dragged away by a bunch of kids to play with them in the yard, and to do things their way for a change.

But what I really took away from our email exchange wasn't about anything to do with the story.   It was that it's sometimes good to indulge your inner child sometimes and go back to kid stuff, and that it's always nice to make a new friend. I hope I hear from him again.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #5: Gonna make it after all To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I'm sure you've had one of those. You know - one of those songs that refuse to go away, that keeps on rolling around in your head and you keep on humming or singing it for days on end. And, sometimes, you even end up "infecting" those around you, and they end up with the same song in their heads, too? I've had my share of those kinds of songs. And I have a new song to add to this list.

A while back, the Blockbuster store near my old apartment closed, the one right where the CVS drug store was. Even after they quit renting out videos, they kept the place open for a while in order to sell off their stock. The prices were really low, in the $5-to-$15-per-title range, and I bought a few, but didn't buy too many. After a couple of months, though, the store closed up finally, and I didn't have much of an opportunity to buy more movies.

I was chatting with some BCTS folks quite a while back, and the topics of discussion ranged up and down different topics, as usual, and somehow we got to talking about favorite movies and TV shows. One show that was mentioned was The Mary Tyler Moore Show, from the seventies. I haven't seen it before, but I've heard about it, as I'm sure most have. It came highly recommended by Aunt Andrea and a few of the others, so I decided to rent or buy it. But, as I said, the video store had closed. A person from CVS gave me a number to call, though.

It turned out to be an enterprising gentleman that was in the video store frequently, and he apparently bought up a lot of the store's DVDs during the sale. It wasn't for his collection, I eventually found out, but for business - he bought the videos to eventually sell later on.

When I called, I asked if he had a copy of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. He quoted me a very reasonable price for the complete set (and an even more reasonable price for, ummm, shall we say, a... less than original copy... wink wink). I said I preferred the real deal, though, and we met at Soho, my favorite coffee place, nearby the following day. I dragged my friend Nikki with me, though, as I haven't done this sort of thing before.

As we waited, we looked around surreptitiously. It's like we were a couple of junkies waiting for our connection... heehee.

It was a bit of an anticlimax, really, as our "connection" turned out to be a fairly old gent, neatly dressed, very polite and smelled real nice (sort of like tobacco and Old Spice). We talked with him a bit and it turned out he was buying a lot of DVDs from other video stores that were closing down, not just the Blockbuster in Dupont Circle. He would have bought their entire stock if he could, but the store clerks wouldn't have liked that. Besides, he said, since he was on a fixed income, he couldn't afford to, so he just picked out what he thought people would buy, or were unavailable anymore.

Anyway, we got the original set of the original Mary Tyler Moore show, as well as a few others (we politely declined his offer to sell us the... unauthorized copies he... "remastered"), and went home.

The DVDs have remained untouched until recently, when a little talk with Aunt Andrea sort of brought it up again, and my house mate and I decided to start watching them.

We saw the first four episodes of Season One, and, surprisingly, the show still holds up. The references were a bit archaic now, and the story was a trifle slow and very... tame... (compared to How I Met Your Mother or even Friends) but it was pretty good.

Some of the references went over my head a little bit, and people seemed pretty sensitive about propriety. But I found it okay. Being a girl overly obsessed about clothes, I couldn't help notice what people wore. I liked Mary's outfits. I suppose they were a little dated. Actually a lot dated, but some of the current fashions look similar to some of the stuff she wore. Like color-block clothes, for example, which were sorta what the girls in the office were into now. Pantyhose and stockings, too, seemed mandatory for girls back then, but they were making a resurgence now, thanks to Lady Catherine. I read recently that the new trend was mismatched tops and bottoms. Sounds like something Mary would wear. I guess my still-fledgeling clothes sense will need a bit more time assimilating all of these, though I have to say, the few color-block outfits I had rocked.

Still, I guess I liked the TV show not because of the retro feel of it, but because of the optimistic kind of world it lived in. And, yes, I know it's dangerous to look back through nostalgia, at a better time and place, and to want to go back to a more innocent time. My therapist has often said that we should look forward instead of wanting to escape your present by obsessing about the past.

I guess the difference here is that the era wherein Lou, Ted, Rhoda, Phyllis, Mary, Murray and Marie lived (cute, huh? Mary, Murray and Marie...) - I wasn't alive then, so I never really knew that era. So how can I have nostalgia for it? But there were things there that resonated with me a lot. And it makes me wonder a bit, and it makes me think that, wouldn't it have been nice to have lived in that time. I suppose that's something to talk with my therapist about next month.

I suppose people as screwed up as us always find it great to escape our troubles once in a while, whether into the make-believe world of a Mary Richards, or into one of the stories here in BCTS. Once, someone commented that my stories weren't any special, and were simple stories of escapism. Well, of course they were. What else?

I guess I think we need to escape our troubles from time to time. Maybe by watching a nice TV sitcom or reading a nice BC story, but I think the trick is not to obsess about them or get lost in them, so we will still be able to come back.

The theme song of the show was also pretty nice. A peppy tune whose style you could tell was from that earlier era. Listening to it as you saw the images of Mary Richards driving makes you feel so much more optimistic. It was like Mary was driving to somewhere better. You couldn't say Mary was escaping - it was more like Mary was moving forward, trying to look for something better. How can one not feel that optimistic? "You're gonna make it after all" the song goes. Oh, how good that makes me feel. Makes me want to be like her, and all the other make-believe characters on TV since then. Wonder if I'd look as good as Mary in a seventies-era print dress as well. And maybe I can practice tossing a hat while walking down Old Georgetown Road. Although maybe the people downtown will start wondering if I was crazy or not...

Now all that's left is to get the song outa my head...

How will you make it on your own?   This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone   But it's time you started living   It's time you let someone else do some giving   Love is all around, no need to waste it   You can have a town, why don't you take it   You're gonna make it after all   You're gonna make it after all Love Is All Around (theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show) by Sonny Curtis

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #6: Ghost Girl To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's 2:30am now as I start writing this - a dark, windy and rainy early Sunday (or is it late Saturday evening)   Appropriate, I guess, for what I am writing right now.   Yes, honey - this is a ghost story.   It's even true.   And I'm all alone right now, writing about it.

First off, people shouldn't worry about us here.   Though we are near the path of Hurricane Irene, we aren't in it.   But thank you to those who worried. ;)

What we DO have is a whole lot of rain, strong winds and a lot scary moaning and groaning.   Our house was built in the late forties, so it's full of a lot of creaking and groaning boards, doors and windows.

Moe had to leave Friday evening for her regular reunion with her friends.   A couple of them went to our house for dinner so they could ride to Baltimore together for their flight to Washington state all the way on the other side of the country.

Anyway I've been alone in the house since and Moe will only be flying back later tonight (or maybe Monday or Tuesday, depending on the weather).

Along with being lonely, my insomnia, the weather outside, and the creepy sounds in the house, I have the TV and all the bedroom lights on, and I'm watching a DVD trying to stave off my loneliness and, let's face it, being scared.

Anyway, I was gonna tell you guys about my scary story, which is appropriate, I think for a night like this.

Three days ago, I had to go to DC for an afternoon meeting with my bosses. Nothing major - just one of those meetings where the big dogs feel like slumming with us regular folk.   So I thought, while I was in the city, I might as well pass by my old apartment on 17th St. (Andy the building manager called a while ago asking if I could check my old place and see if I had anything I wanted to get or forgot, before the new tenant takes possession of the place on September 1.)

So after a boring late lunch with some of my fellow managers and the bosses in a hoity-toity restaurant on Pennsylvania Ave. called the Occidental Grille (at least the food was great and the service was top-notch: it pays to have lunch with the boss heehee), I went over to my old place.

I parked in the street coz I didn't have my old parking spot inside anymore, and went to Andy's office.

After living in the building for more than seven years, it sure felt comfortable and familiar being in the old place again.   Even the smells felt familiar and oddly comforting.

Anyway, after a short and pleasant chit-chat, Andy gave me a key to the new lock for the apartment.   He didn't offer to come with me but that was okay (he had a stroke a long while back and though he has mostly recovered from it, he prefers not to strain himself much nowadays).

Anyway, I went up, saw some familiar faces and went to my apartment.

Opening the door, I felt the place very welcoming.   I spent almost eight years here, and everything seemed so friendly and familiar despite the six months worth of stuffiness and staleness.   (no dust anywhere, though - Andy did a good job of cleaning up the place)   The place smelled a certain way, slightly musty, a bit sweet with my old potpourri scent, a hint of SwissMiss chocolate and so many other things that I never knew was there. Coming back after being away for six months, I instantly recognized the scent of, I guess, home.   Even the feel of the light in the room - it was oh, so familiar.   The place felt like a person, I guess. Someone you know and love, and once again meet after a long time being apart.

So I turned on the lights and went around, looking at and touching all the fixtures and furnishings, touching all the familiar things - the old electric oven, the faucets in the kitchenette's sink, the bathroom (I flushed the toilet once and heard the familiar gurgling), and the bedroom.

The furniture that was there when I moved in was still there, but the bedroom felt empty without my old bed in there.   I saw an old cookbook on the shelf in the kitchenette as well as a few odds and ends in the bedroom (small pieces of costume jewelry and some little trinkets In the dresser drawer, though I left the old Altoids tin with its no-doubt stale mints).

There were no curtains or drapes so the place looked very bright and sunny in the afternoon sunlight, and I had to sigh in melancholy contemplation.   This was my first apartment, the place where I became "independent," where I transitioned, where I broke up with my ex, and where I almost died in loneliness.   But this was also where I got back up again, where I picked up the pieces and where I met Moe, and where, I guess, I found myself.

Sad-happy days and long lonely-happy evenings rushed through my mind.   Indeed, it was like home.   No, it was home.

But as I was by the door, about to turn off the lights and leave the apartment, I looked though the familiar view out window that faced the street. As I was doing so, I saw the very transparent, fluffy-looking ghostly image of a blonde girl (or maybe a girl with silver hair. I'm not sure) sitting at the old second-hand study table I kept there, where Moe and I liked to sit while we read the paper or write or just look out at the sky.   I guess I say "fluffy" because she and her clothes had very light, pink and yellow and white pastel colors that made me think of pillows on my bed, or soft fluffy things.   It was more a feeling than an actually looking literally fluffy.

She was looking at me, sort of smiling, sort of sad.   In my fright, I stepped outside into the hallway and slammed the door.   

No one was in the hallway so I didn't embarrass myself.   After a few moments, the logical part of my brain kicked in and I said to myself, get a hold of yourself, girl - it's probably just your imagination.   I took a few minutes to get myself together.   As I did, I realized I couldn't leave yet because I left the key inside.   So, talking myself into believing that she was just my imagination, I slowly opened the door.

I couldn't stop myself and my eyes immediately went to the table by the window.   And there she was.   She was standing this time, still looking at me with that melancholy smile of hers, and she faded like smoke.

It wasn't even ten seconds, so in a way, I could rationalize that it was just my imagination, but the thing was, the apartment key was on the window table, and I never even got close to the table the whole time.   So I rushed to the table, grabbed the key, turned off the light and slammed the door...

Anyway, I went down to Andy's office and dropped off the key.   We had a long chat and I wanted to bring up the mystery, but in the end I didn't bring her up.   I guess I didn't want Andy to come away thinking I was some weirdo, but I tried to drop hints and try to fish for some info, or maybe he knew something, but he wasn't taking the bait, or maybe he was just playing dumb.

Anyway, his last words were, "take care of yourself.   We miss you. She'll miss you."

I didn't really pay attention to that (I didn't recall him saying it actually, and I only remembered it as I drove home).

I don't know who Andy meant by that, and what he really meant.   Truth is, though, that ghost, if she really was real, wasn't really scary.   I guess It was the shock of seeing the transparent apparition that got me.   When I think about her, in my mind, the image wasn't really scary.   Actually, she somehow seemed familiar, like someone I knew, and that she has always been in the apartment. She felt familiar and friendly.

Wonder who or what she really was, or was she just my imagination?

Gosh, it's 8am now... It's unbelievable it took me six hours to write this... I guess this had a larger impact on me than I realized...

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #7: Blackout Bagels To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe hasn't come home yet, which is a good thing, I suppose.   At least she skipped the power blackout.

I live in a neighborhood where the power and phone lines are still mounted on wooden phone poles.   In fact, right outside my house is a wooden telephone pole with a   transformer.   And last night, it blew.   Hurricane-connected, I'm sure.   Hence power blackout.   Or is it brownout - I'm not sure.   Not that big of a deal, actually - after the hype of Hurricane Irene, I was actually anticipating something several magnitudes worse.

Anyway, my little alarm was a wind-up clock so I was abe to wake up at 5:30, as usual.   But I couldn't have my usual bagel and hot chocolate.   I had a cold shower (brrr!!), did my morning ablutions and got dressed by the light of a couple of battery-powered lights.   

Don't know how long the lights will be off, but thank goodness I made a lot of ice in plastic bags so I know the stuff in the fridge will last a while.

Thank goodness for Cricket, too - my little Suzuki 4x4.   I was able to splash through the flooded parts of River Road and Arlington Avenue, and made the ten-minute drive to this bagel place for something hot for breakfast.

It was my first time there, but we've seen the place lots of times while driving home.   It was   a little bakery with yellow awnings out, and it was right beside a coffee place.   They didn't have electrical power as well, but they were doing a brisk business.   When I got there this morning, there was a line out, but most of the people didn't look like me - they didn't look like they were driven out by the power outages to look for something warm for breakfast.   Actually, most of them looked like regulars.

The people were friendly (many of them older than me, though there were a lot of young people, too) and gave me pleasant nods as I queued up with them.   Some of the women asked me if I lived in the neighborhood and I told them that I sort of did, coz my place was just a five-to-ten minute drive away.   I further explained that I was fairly new to the city, not even seven months.   I guess that sort of cracked the ice and most of them introduced themselves.

After getting my bagel & cream cheese and hot chocolate, the people told me to get the pumpernickel as well coz it was good.   I got two to eat later at the office.   The place was pretty warm so I went out to munch my goodies outisde before drivng on to the office.   One of the ladies got up and gave me her spot on the little bench outside.   She waved away my protests, saying she needed to get home already.

I has a pleasant chat with the people outside. A few of the girls gave me phone numbers and I made promises to get in touch (I suppose none of the men didn't because of the implied meaning that would have had).   I suppose they were friendly because it was partly due to the "disaster syndrome," where people become closer and try to help others during times of crisis, but I say "partly" because Hurricane Irene didn't turn out to be the disaster it was supposed to be.   Maybe it was also part of the feeling of community that these people out so early in the morning clearly had, making small talk over coffee and bagels with friends and just shooting the breeze.   Hopefully, this could be the start of our integration into the neighborhood for real.

Our new city isn't like DC, with its hustle-and-bustle, and never-ending traffic jams, but our new city isn't a backwoods kind of place either - its as cosmopolitan as DC but it was just a little more laid back.   It's a nice change of pace, and I hope we get to become as used to it as I was to my old neighborhood.   Maybe this place or the coffeeshop next door can be my new Soho's.

In my short life, I (and I suppose people like me) have rarely been accepted off the bat or at face value like this.   It was a good thing.   I guess I can't really be blamed for being sort of grateful for the power outage and the hurricane.   Just a litle bit.

Anyway, I was just thinking, wouldn't it be nice to have neighbors who you can chit-chat with, and share neighboorhood news with, and possibly even neighborhood gossip, too? :))

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #8: Blackout No More! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Power's back on!   Yayyy!

Thank goodness for that.   After work, I passed by a KFC and a convenience store and brought home lots of ready-to-eat munchies.   I was afraid that the power would still be out.   Good thing it's back on.   No water, phone or cable though.   Still, I had my wireless internet, MiFi, iPad, and a whole bunch of DVDs so I guess I won't be too lonely (not to mention a whole pile of junk food, a bucket of chicken, and enough soda to drown my dad's new Shelty Sheepdog), which will give me something to do until my insomnia gets sleepy heheh.

It's a funny thing tho. A while back, being home alone wasn't a big deal.   Now it is.   

Anyway, back to watching classic movies and TV.   Mary Tyler Moore, Friends, and season 1 of Eureka.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #9: The shopping excursion of death! or  "Killing your credit card with kindness" To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Last weekend was Labor Day Weekend, as you all know,  which as most know is when sales usually happen.

As some of you might also know, my room mate and I moved out of our apartment last January and moved into a real house in a small suburban community a few minutes from the city (the papers were finalized April).   It's a colonial-type house with a brick face, built in the late forties, two bedrooms and a bath upstairs, an attic (strictly for storage), a living room with a fireplace, a   kitchen, dining area & breakfast nook, another bedroom and a bathroom.   The basement has lots of space, and that's where we have our "office," where we do our writing et cetera, and where we share our office with the electric water heater, washing machine, drier and   ironing board.   It has its own cellar door that opens to the back, where we have a little patio surrounded by a couple of trees.

It's actually a relatively small place - my folk's house is probably larger by half, and don't get me started on my sister's place.   

Our place was largely untouched by the recent hurricane, tho Moe's beloved front yard (apparently very few Japanese homes have yards, and Moe just loves the fact that we have one) was covered by a lot of debris - leaves and tree branches mostly.   She immediately had it cleaned as soon as she could, as well as our back yard, and the front yards of our immediate neighbors as well. It cost a lot more but Moe insisted, and I learned to just agree when she gets into that kind of mood (which she was only in verrry infrequently, thank god).   Besides, helping clean our neighbors' yards got us props, and we are now on first-name basis with most of them.

I guess it's a little cliche to be so house-proud (it's the 21st century, after all), but I guess that's how first-time home owners tend to be.   At least we don't hang around the house with aprons cleaning endlessly.

Anyway, back to last weekend...

We've been in the house since January but have yet to really furnish the place - aside from the big polished-oak dining table, the fridge and the built-in stainless steel kitchen stuff, the place was bare, and we have survived these last seven months with the few pieces we brought from the apartment.   Our plan was to save the money we had earmarked for the house for the past months and blow it all in the upcoming Labor Day sales.  

But as many can attest, the labor day weekend sales weren't too good.   I made the feeble remark that maybe we should wait for Black Friday, but we decided to bite the bullet instead of waiting two more months.   Moe didn't offer to help pay with her trust fund since she knew it was a point of pride for me (and I loved her for it), so we used up what we had saved and broke our credit card "moratorium."

Macy's on 12th (the old Hecht's) didn't really have the best sale, but they had everything we intended to get, so that's where we shopped.   

We started Saturday after lunch, after visiting with my folks and the new pup.   The first thing we bought was a three-piece burgundy couch set (Moe brought the tape measure), a couple of matching teak-colored end-tables, lamps with off-white shades and a coffee table.

We also got a medium-large electric oven, a four-burner induction stove  and a whole mess of flat-bottom stainless steel pots and pans for the stove (we also bought a butane-powered camp stove in case of power outages, plus a spare butane bottle) and a real nice dishwasher.   We didn't need other kitchen stuff since we were okay with our old microwave, blender et cetera, and the fridge that came with the house was great.   We did, however, needed to buy a complete set of knives, spatulas, et cetera.

We did get a little two-foot tall fridge that only cost a hundred, which we put in the "office" (along with the chocolate maker I got from the office guys last year).

We also got a small sound system, a forty-inch flat screen TV and a mounting rack for it which we put pounded into the wall above the mantel (we could have saved some money and mounted it directly, but the salesman recommended the optional mount because the brickwork can heat up which might damage the TV).   We also got a smaller eighteen-inch one for the bedroom, so we moved my old one to the "office," and would move it to the guest room only when we have a visitor.

We also got a whole bunch of DIY kitchen & bathroom fixtures and knicknacks (Moe likes refrigerator magnets, go figure).   By then we had our own salesman following us around ("just to help," he says - aparently, even with the sale, business was slow and I suppose they didn't want to lose a couple of marks... I mean, "good customers" heehee).    We also bought some power-saver lightbulbs, fancy, high-tech brooms, mops, mop heads, dustpans, a garden gate, a plunger and reusable shammys and rags.

We also got some foldable patio furniture that we'll probably be keeping folded in the cellar, excuse me - "office", most of the time, an enameled backyard barbecue grill with a firebox, a bunch of barbecue utensils and a starter set of barbeque condiments, and a couple of sacks of charcoal briquettes.

We spent time looking at china.   I suppose, in all families, buying the "family china" is important.   In my house, we would only use the "good dinnerware" when we had company over, or during Christmas and such.   Anyway, we spent half an hour looking at patterns and designs and ended up picking an eight-place-setting from the Oberon Collection (very hoity-toity, huh :))  that had green and orange and gold ivy/vine-like designs.   So I guess this will be the "family china."   We also got an eight-place silver "american bead" set of flatware.   We also got appropriate "stemware," serveware," "drinkware" and "barware."   I wouldn't even have known those words if Moe didn't use them.   "Stemware?" I go, "well, of course, we need stemware."   I hung back and whispered to "our" salesman, "whatinheck are stemware?"

Well, after spending more bucks on the fancy cutlery, we bought a bunch of cheap, "kid-freindly" micro-wavable plates, bowls, mugs, glasses stainless steel spoons, knives and forks.   Moe insisted on oversized mugs like the ones they use in the coffeeshop in Friends.   I agreed, although my mug would have chocolate instead of coffee half of the time...

We also bought a lot of linen, curtains, lace curtains, drapes, bedclothes, pillowcases, slipcovers, towels, et cetera, all in different shades of cream, yellow, white and maroon to match the house   (except for those for the bedroom and Moe - she likes periwinkle, blue and violet).

We also decided to buy a pair of bicycles - nothing fancy, just a pair of small department-store women's steet bikes that were marked down as well as discounted ($600 for both) and two sets of safety helmets and pads.

The last thing we did was buy groceries, with "our" salesman pushing the cart.

At the end of the day, as they tallied our purchases and made arrangements to deliver everything and we sat waiting, pooped, in the manager's office, we sipped coffee and smiled at each other.   We had fun buying and shopping.   The stuff we bought was a bit girlie, but it's our place so I don't care what others will say.   

I guess there really is a basis for saying that the need for, and the pleasure in, the acquisition of things is genetic.   A female malady, for sure.

When the bill came, it took my breath away.   I asked them to split the bill, and Moe and I used our cards.   The delivery fee was waved, and we got complimentary house VIP discount cards.   Everything was included in the delivery, except for the groceries, and we went home.

As I drove us home, I felt bad - I guess the both of us will be paying for our stuff for months to come, and I guess I will need to economize in my day-to-day expenses for a while.   But I guess I can take that.   Now I can, at least.   And the fun we had was great.   But, I guess, what makes it more than okay was that our house was really home now, or as much as material things can.   All that's left is to start living in it now, and start accumulating memories.

It sure has been a long time since SRS, and I guess, in my own way, I've really gone far.

Our stuff arrived at nine the following day, and we made short work of setting up everything.   The security company we hired a month ago put some of the preliminary stuff, and mounted the horizontal security bars Moe asked for.   With the lacey curtains mounted, the bars went over that, so people on the outside of the house couldn't see them and the drapes inside hid them completely.   And because they are thin and horizontal, and were like eight inches apart, they didn't look too bad, even with the drapes pulled back.

The security guys would be coming back today, as well as the cable company to put some more outlets in the other rooms.  

We christened our bikes this morning (good thing there was no rain this morning) and realized we needed baskets for the steering bars.   As it is, we had to bring the bags with our bagels hanging from the bars.   If my old jogging buddies should decide to come over for our old Saturday jogs, or if it's raining, then we won't use the bikes, but until then, I think I like biking more than jogging.

Mom n dad are coming over for a look-over tomorrow, and dad is bringing weenies (no jokes!), rashers of canadian bacon and burger patties,  and ma's bringing some veggies and home made rolls, and the new puppy, as well.   (Tell you about him later.)   Dad sez he wants to try the grill n Mom sez she wants to try the induction stove.

So that's the latest news over here at Casa Bobbie's, except for some developments at work, but I'll reserve that for Blog #10.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #10: Waiting for the other shoe, Or, "after 9-11, what next?" To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Since last month, I have been dreading September.   I was informed by the bosses that, because of my recent work, I was put on a short list of middle/upper-middle managers that were supposed to be part of the company's so-called "flying squad."

"So-called" because it wasn't an official unit of the company.   Essentially, we are the bunch that management would stick the jobs no one else wanted.   Sure, they tried to sell it as some kind of honor, that they would trust us to do the business-critical assignments no one else could.   But we knew better - we were the bunch low enough on the totem pole that we wouldn't raise a ruckus when we got the scut jobs,   but competent enough that admin wouldn't question our being assigned to them.   Woe to all hard-working americans who don't have enough tenure to buck the bosses... But would you want to rock the boat, in a business climate like today's?

Anyway, the reason I brought this up is because, a month or more ago, I was "asked" by the bosses to go to the middle east this September, to check on a project that is months behind schedule, over-budget like heck, and hemmorraging money because of penalty fees, and to fix it.   I repeat: the middle east.   Imagine how a post-op TS like yours truly would fare in the land of 13th century muslim conservativism.   I may be acting paranoid, but I can't get rid of the image of an arabian version of a lynch mob after my petite little ass...

I couldn't say no, though I did drop a lot of heavy hints with all concerned parties.   So I gritted my teeth, said some prayers and made some preparations, such as look for long-sleeved, high-neck blouses and long skirts. et cetera.   I even arranged with Aunt Andrea to help me to upload my posts for me, and email the latest BCTS stuff to/for me, since internet access will undoubtedly be very restricted over there.

But last Tuesday, I was told that HR had my assignment canceled.   The grapevine said that the guy who kept on insisting I should go on the assignment has started the paperwork for retirement.   The grapevine also said this super-senior guy wasn't too... TS-friendly... I seem to be getting a lot of practice reading between the lines...

But it seems they couldn't very well cancel it as there would be repercussions up and down the chain.   The official word is that I couldn't go to the Middle East coz I was needed elsewhere.   Someone else is going to the Middle East, and I am now goin to Manila (yay!), to help fix a project which is similarly troubled (the project I worked in last year, actually).

But, instead of going to Manila this week, I'm flying out the following   week: the company has postponed all company business-connected flights for now in case of possible... 9/11-connected stuff.   Nothing will probably happen, but my company is yellow, and likes to take the safe road.   Which is the usual thing for big, old-time, corporate-elephant businesses.

Much has been changed by 9/11.   Most know about the big changes - the new complicated security measures in airports, airplanes et cetera, the new mission of the military, the thousand-and-one human-outreach programs, and the rise of Homeland Security.   But it has also affected the minutiae of day-to-day life.   As it has with me now.

Remembering 9/11 is important, especially today, but the timing is not the best, since 2011 is a presidental campaign year:   the danger of these people using today as a means for political chest-thumping is extremely likely.   Moe and I are therefore trying to avoid watching TV and the news today. I'm hoping against hope that, through the years, 9/11   won't be trivialized by too much exposure, as so many things have been, and its meaning would disappear and it would become just like any other  TV special.

I feel a bit selfish, actually, cluttering my life with the many   little inconsequential things that make up my life now instead of thinking of the bigger things, like  9/11.    I guess trying to claim a new life for myself, like any TS girl who has hoped for a chance for a normal life, has made me selfish, at least insofar as it concerns these inconsequential things.

But in a way, the meaning of things like 9/11 is that people have the right to live their lives free - of fear, of terrorism, and that it might mean that you need to fight for that sometimes.

Like anyone else, I can't help but think that those responsible for 9/11 might use today for some kind of follow-up attack.   What will happen next?   When will the other shoe drop?   Selfishly, I am glad the office postponed my flight.   Just in case.

I guess I need to stop all of this typing.   Moe really wants me to help clean up the place before my folks arrive for their visit later.   Hope the weather holds so Dad won't be disappointed.

So. Time to help Moe clean up.   Seeya later.   

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #11: The pluses with the minuses Or, "So that's what it's like?" To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Two weeks ago, I was scheduled to go abroad, but that got changed quick, coz, the Saturday before, one of the guys in the office died.

I told some of my BCTS friends over YM about it already.   I won't go into the details of the guy's death, except to say that he was hit by a car and died almost instantly.   And, because I had to make some arrangements to manage his work stuff (and because of some personal health-related stuff), suffice it to say I had to postpone my business trip.

I found out about it when Human Resources told me first thing  Monday morning.   I asked Sammi to get everyone into CX1 for an announcement later in the afternoon, and I made a short speech and said it's okay if anyone wanted to pay their last respects, just be sure to inform me and Sammi ahead of time.   

I also asked Sammi to arrange for a nice flower arrangement to be delivered when we fould out where the wake was. Sammi also circulated a card that anyone who cared to could sign.   I was the last to sign, and Sammi put it with the flowers.   A couple of guys from his old team went, and they hand-delivered them.

I myself didn't go, which may sound callous, especially since I was technically his boss, but I had some problems with him, and everyone knew.   It might be a little hypocritical if I did, since everyone knew he didn't like me, and, truth was, I didn't like him, too - he was one of the openly-anti-Bobbie (or rather anti-TG) people from last year, just before that... "incident," and he never really warmed up to me and I him.   I tried to not let it bother me, and to be fair, the guy did everything to stay within proper office behavior from then on, but just barely.   I heard through the grapevine that he tried to transfer out but wasn't successful.   No wonder since he wasn't liked too much in the office.

I'm sorry to speak ill of the dead, so I'll stop.

Anyway, the guy left a ton of pending stuff, and I, of course, had to take care of it.   I therefore postponed the trip, started the ball rolling to get a replacement, farmed out his two projects to the other teams, distributed his staff appropriately, and tried to manage his remaining stuff myself.

So, last week, I gave a short presentation that he was supposed to have delivered to one of his clients, as well as "wined & dined" them (nothing major - just took them out to dinner) to get them to sign off on a project. The presentation and the dinner went well enough that they signed off, which meant the project was only a month behind (and therefore no penalty fees. yay!).   Thing was...

All throughout the presentation, and throughout dinner, the six older gents I presented to made a lot of... risque comments and quips.   Downright sexist many times.   Mostly about me, my apparent youth and my looks.   (It probably was my youth coz it couldn't be the looks) I suppose that's to be expected from these people, and I couldn't help but think how well they matched my now-deceased ex-project manager.

But that was the extent of it, except for one of the older ones who put a suggestive hand on my shoulder, and another one who patted my butt a couple of times...    I'm sure these guys wouldn't have tried anything if I were male, or older-looking, or if they were sober.   I suppose I should be the one blamed, sort of, since I ordered drinks, which these guys really took advantage of, and often.   And tipsy clients aren't the most well behaved clients.

I suppose real girls have to deal with things like these, probably even far worse.   I guess I just really didn't have much skill in managing such things.   I wanted to say that maybe in time, I'll have enough practice that I'll know how to handle myself better.   But, in a way, I don't really want to have to practice for it.

For me, in my little experience, nothing can really be as bad as being bullied and being beaten, or being shamed in front of people you knew. So what are a few off-color or sexist jokes?   What's a pat on the butt compared to being hit in the face strong enough that you'd fall down?   It's less than nothing.

But then again, I felt that my my skills, expertise and intellect were being ignored, no, actually it felt like they were being belittled.   I suppose, as far as abuse go, this was better, coz it left me angry instead of in despair.   And anger is sort of empowering, in a way, coz it makes you want fight back.   If you know what I mean.   It beats the heck out of having to hide, or to lie down and cry. Despair is a familiar acquaintance of mine, and what these dirty old men did - it was nothing.   And in the end, they signed offon Ollie's project.   And I guess they wouldn't have if he was still alive and did the presentation himself instead of me.

I guess I had a bit of a taste of the drawbacks of playing the female part. But on the positive side, I also had a bit of a taste of its power.   At least with mysogynistic old farts.   

So that's what it's like.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #12: Channeling Mary Or, "Retro? What retro?" To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Does anyone know where the word/prefix "retro" comes from?   I'm sure many do, but I didn't so I had to google it.   Anyway, it's a Latin prefix that means "backwards" or "in the past."   Hence you now get words like "retrospective" or "retroactive" et cetera.   Last Monday, I indulged in a little bit of retro-ing.

As those that I chat with in YM, and those that read my blogs probably know, I just recently discovered the Mary Tyler Moore Show (thirty-five-plus years too late, I know, I know...) but I'm a fan now.

We bought a complete set of DVDs of the show, used, from a friendly fella who bought it from a Blockbusters that was closing down.   We have all seven seasons, but we have only seen up to episode twenty of season three (the one where the new boss falls in love with Lou).

I don't understand why we're fans, really (and it's useless to ask Moe, coz she'll just say that she likes it coz I like it).

I guess my fascination with the show isn't really about the stories, even though they hold up pretty well today despite the dated references and the more old-fashioned manner of delivery (it seems to me that back then they were more conscious of propriety than today).   But surely the more current sitcoms have faster-paced action and more current/relevant plot elements and storylines.

I guess it's the fact that it's content has enough commonality with today that the slightly off-mark references and the old-fashioned ideas and ideals are just interesting anachronisms.   But mostly, it's fun.

Back in her day, Mary was trying to make her way as a woman in a man's world, and many of the situations of the different episodes centered around this theme, of a woman making it in a man's world.   In the last episode we saw, for example, Mary and the newsroom had a new female boss, and many of the situations were all about how awkward it was to have a lady boss.

Today, women being in the workplace is not as earth-shaking, but withme being fairly new to the female role, I guess I identify with Mary and her situation more than most, and I picture myself trying to be her, despite the gulf of time that separates her and today.   So, I guess it's just not it's fun.   I suppose that's also why I like the theme song so much (the song withthe chorus, "you're gonna make it after all" seems an appropriately positive sentiment that I want to adopt it as my own personal theme song).

Anyway, about the retro thing...

Another thing that I also like with the show are the clothes.   Sure, many of the clothes are... well, laughable... and seventies fashion has endlessly been lampooned a lot in current shows (another favorite sitcom of mine comes to mind here: "The Seventies Show," where Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis got their start). I guess I'm quirky that way, but I love that seventies look.   Not all of them, mind you - just some, especially those that Mary wore.

I did a bit of googling, and it seems that the people behind the show  picked clothes for Mary that were deliberately not high-fashion, but just regular clothes.   I would never have  known that just by looking at the clothes. (How could I?) But I thought Mary looked very nice and really well put-together.

Anyway, last Monday, Moe-Moe and I decided to try putting together outfits to wear that were "Mary Richards-friendly."   

Moe had it easy since she bought a couple of color block-style outfits a few weeks ago, which, with the proper accessories, looked very seventies-like.   And they make her gorgeous, too - I really like her in short skirts.

With me, I didn't want to wear my color block dresses, but I was able to scrounge a nice light-blue-and-white paisley blouse I haven't worn yet, in some synthetic material (surely not rayon heehee), a nice white skirt and cream pumps.   I even wore nude pantyhose (a fashion faux pas, nowadays, I know, but it was part of the seventies ensemble).

A few people commented, and a girl, even a manufactured one, appreciates nice comments like that.   And all afternoon, I felt, I don't know, empowered.   I got lots done, and it was a fun day, even if it was just filled with mundane stuff.

I know it was all in my head, sort of like a kid in a superhero costume that feels like he can fly - it was just Mary in my head.   It was like wearing a costume of sorts.   True, for trans-girls, being dressed was like wearing a costume... sort of... you know what I mean.   But this time, it was even more so.   

So I was all self-actualized yet self-deprecating, confident yet insecure, as I went about the day.   Just like Mary.   And I was funny, too - I don't know what it was, but I was witty that day, and held my own with Slinky - that was just the nickname we had for the junior analyst that always had a fund of jokes (every office has a funny-man, the guy who keeps cracking jokes and keeping everything light and funny, ans Slinky was ours).

If I can channel Mary everyday, I think I can make it after all.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #13: A discussion about Story Universes To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I just had a long discussion about story universes with someone here in BCTS, via Private Message, and it was a long discussion.    Pretty long discussion, though it had the feel of a slow motion kind of discussion since we did it by taking turns and responding to each other's PMs.   

Anyway, the discussion kinda got hot and heavy towards the end, since I had a lot of strong feelings about it, and told the person about it.   But fortunately, we ended amicably, which is always good.   I find it best for me to not take one's self too seriously, and not to be afraid (or be too proud) to apologize.   I just wish I coud do this all the time, instead of just some of the time...

It brought to mind other discussions   here in BCTS, also via PM, and some via email and some via Yahoo Messenger and in chats in the BCTS/Stardust chatrooms, where others stubbornly held onto their points of view, unwilling to compromise or concede, escalating the discussion to actual arguments.

Girls are stereotypically supposed to be argumentative, whereas guys are supposedly more physical, preferring to fight rather than argue.   Whether that's true or not, I really can't tell since it seems to me that guys are as willing to argue, and girls are willing to fight, given enough provocation.

Then I catch myself when I think such thoughts - do I really want to be more argumentative just to be more like a girl?   Isn't that a bit... twisted?

In trying to be the opposite sex, should one adopt both the good things as well as the bad things about them?   Then you think, perhaps objectifying sexual roles and mores in such a way, maybe that's not what it's all about? That I'd be no better that those that have persecuted me in my life.   That the point is to live in a way that makes you happy/fulfilled/true to yourself regardless of any labels or any stereotypes?

I have had ample opportunity to think about such things in my own personal Journey of Self, and, sad to say, looking deep into myself, I have found that I was willing to adopt whatever stereotypical traits that were needed if I could just be accepted as female, even to the point of faking them, and even adopting those traits that weren't, well, ok...

And even if I was willing to, there was a roadblock there. For those who knew (such as with my coworkers, staff, family and close friends), I would be dismissed as just someone doing these things like she was playing a role.   Like a transvestite who isn't really hiding the fact he/she is just faking it...

That's not a bad thing, if that's what you want, but that was not the point of my journey... Then I had that epiphany, oh, those many months ago.   Perhaps being a girl wasn't really the reason for happiness, but that living to be happy and accepted was the big thing, and living as a girl was just an after-effect, or maybe just a prerequisite for this?   But then... here's a bigger thing - what do you do if you can't achieve happiness because the prerequisite was so hard to do, that it was "anti-happiness," in that way?

It made me ask myself what are my reasons for wanting to be a girl, perhaps to actually list them down.   But I guess that is for another time and another blog...

Anyway, going back... That long discussion of ours about story universes had one output, a funny one.   I had written a bogus recruitment post for a fictitious story universe loosely based around a person we know (heeee), which I paste here (with minor corrections), which embodies the points we discussed when making a story universe.   I hope that you find it funny as well.

- - - -

Hi, everyone,   Bobbie here again, and I am again recruiting for my new story universe, "Bobbie and Her Amazing Adventures in the Suburbs."

The universe is about Bobbie, a post-op TG girl, and how she manages living in the burbs with her pet zombie goldfish, her self-aware 4x4 mini-SUV, and her anime-loving French girlfriend, Fifi.

The universe is based on my Bobbie stories:

Bobbie and the Shopping Spree of Death,
Bobbie and the Ultra-supermicromini Teeny-Tiny, Itsy-Bitsy Tankini,
Bobbie and the Coffee Break that Time Forgot,
Labyrinth, i.e. Bobbie and the Knights of the Round Paperweight,
Raiders of the Lost I.T. Project, and
Journey to the Center of the Mall.

Please feel free to check them out in BigCloset, and see if you like em, and if you would like to write a story involving Bobbie, her fiendish friends and her mis-adventures, please consider writing for the Bobbie-Verse, "Bobbie and Her Amazing Adventures in the Suburbs."

Here are the rules:

Your story's locale or setting must be in and around Washington DC and the surrounding areas.

Your story's adventure must be similar to a Bobbie adventure, i.e. about shopping, working in an office, shopping, driving around and having problems with the car/traffic, shopping, trying on clothes, office politics, washing clothes and other domestic mishaps, singing or dancing (or both), shopping, and, or course, shopping.

You can use any of the characters from the stories, but they must be written in line with the characters' backgrounds, history and major characteristics in mind, which are:

Bobbie - a five-foot-zero post-op trans-girl who loves dressing up, lives in the suburbs with her French girlfriend   and runs a small IT office.   Her days are filled with managing her cardre of computer programmers, analysts, program and system testers, hardware engineers, finance and admin staff, office custodial staff, cafeteria crew, security personnel, and her ever-reliable personal secretary, Janey.   She always has doubts about her capabilities but stubbornly doesn't give up, and, in the course of doing so, gets trapped in a lot of embarassing situations.   And chocolate.

Fifi - a normal girl from France who's clothes sense is tinged with her penchant for anime and manga, is ridiculously spoiled and embarassingly rich (but shy), is married to Bobbie and, despite the fact Bobbie is seven years older, Fifi treats her like a younger sister.   She has a very good grasp of English, except that she speaks with a very noticeable French accent, and has problems with pronouns.   Fifi and Bobbie are crazy about each other, even though they keep having arguments about how Bobbie dresses, why Naruto is cool   and why garterbelts are sexy.

Nikki - Bobbie's best friend that looks like a younger version of Natasha Henstridge and Bobbie hates her for it.   Nikki and Bobbie have exactly a foot of difference in height, and Nikki likes to rub this in.   A lot.   Nikki drives around in a fancy Volvo, putting Bobbie's eight-year-old 4x4 economy mini-suv to shame.   She is brash, always speaks her mind, always puts her, Bobbie and Fifi in embarassing situations, and loves wearing four-inch heels that she always has trouble walking around in.

Marie - Bobbie's therapist.   Bobbie has been going to Marie ever since before RLT (excuse me, I mean RLE), and they have become as close as a therapist and patient can be.   Marie knows almost everything about Bobbie and likes to embarass Bobbie as often as she can, but does it because Bobbie needs it, does it out of a sense of love, to make Bobbie face up to her demons.   And, besides, it's fun.

Larry, Curly and Moe - Bobbie's geek friends from college, who knew her long before her electrolysis, hormones, RLT, SRS, FFS, and whatever other "S"'s are left.   They have dinner at Larry's decrepit old apartment that smells like dirty socks at least once a month, to try out Larry's latest culinary experiment-slash-disaster.   They usually end up ordering a pizza.   They play cards after dinner using Curly's old Star Wars deck, and never for money but for "favor vouchers" which allow them to ask consequence-free favors of each other.   Bobbie is usually the loser in these card games and, over the course of the year: has helped her buds wash their clothes, moved their furniture, helped Moe rehearse for a TV game show contest, shopped for gifts for their girlfriends (well, just Larry's semi-girlfriend) and occassionally drove them around.   Fifi doesn't like them.   And they are always trying to peek down Bobbie's and Fifi's blouses.

There are certain constants that must be observed when writing in Bobbie's universe:

The writer is free to create her own characters but must be sure to make them interact with either Bobbie, Nikki, Fifi, Marie or Bobbie's three buds in some way.

The writer must be sure to keep her story theme related to day-in-the-life situations involving TG characters or concerns.

The writer must always end with chocolate being part of the last scene in some way.

Additional universe rules can be found in www.what-me-worry.com.   Note that more rules will be added to the list there as "glitches" are unearthed.   But rest assured I will not make new rules that contradict earlier rules.

For any prospective writer for my Bobbie-verse, I reserve the right to check whether your story is in keeping with the universe's rules prior to posting: only stories that pass muster can be part of the universe.   You can email your stories to me (plain text format only, please!) at bobbie@what-me-worry.com, or just email me to ask about details of the universe, chat or exchange info.   You can also PM me anytime, and I will try and respond as best and as fast as I can.

Thanks, and Happy Writing!

- - -

I also PM'd him something I read from somewhere, but I can't seem to recall where, which I modified a lot to suit our discussion.   Here it is, and I am calling it My  Story Universe Mantra.

My Story Universe Mantra

I will refrain from requiring my contributors to write me first, or to only share info with a select few (whether whole or in part), or that I ban certain people. I pledge that I will publish all info, and that I will not require pre-approvement before they can start to write for my universe.   It is the right thing that others can write for my universe on-spec, with the understanding that they run the risk of not being included in the universe for inadvertent non-compliance with my rules, or they can do the smart thing and ask for my advice first, but that is their call to make - that is their mistake to make, and I should let them. I also promise not to continuously revamp my universe as that is being too anal, not to mention ridiculously unfair to others, that I will not take away rules I put in before. I also promise that the info I will give will be as complete as I can manage it, and that I will allow my contributors free reign regarding details that I have not covered which they made on their own. I promise to evolve my universe by adding more details and info from time to time, without deleting old rules and info, but, of course making sure that new stuff will not contradict old stuff. and above all, that I will be fair in spirit and demeanor, and share - as in truly share.   

(pause, and then bow to acknowledge applause...)
 

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #14: Being Mr. Heckles To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

this was supposed to be a comment, a piece of unsolicited advice, actually, for dorothycolleen, in her blogpost, "Disassociation" -

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/32731/disassociation

i originally wanted to post it as a comment, but looking at how involved i got in writing it, i thought i'd make it a blog instead. so, i think you'd best read her blog first, so this one will make some sense.

so, here goes...

hey dorothycolleen.

i am not any kind of medical expert, nor do i claim having any kind of formal study (no psych electives in school, even).   all i can claim is that i have been going to the same therapist for more than seven years now (it'll be eight this march), and, hypochondriac that i am, i always claim to her that i have this one-or-other so-and-so condition.   with long-suffering (but kind) patience, she would then explain why i don't have it.   as a parting piece of advice, at the end of our session for that day, she would say that it's not healthy to be always doing that.   and she'd do that everytime i come to her with another of these imagined conditions.   she has refrained from calling me a hypochondriac, although i don't know if that's the proper term when it involves psychosis instead of some biological thing, and i'd be grateful for that.. and after all of these bouts of psycho-hypochondriacy-ness of mine, i have accumulated a lot of info about why i do not have a so-and-so condition-slash-syndrome-slash-psychosis.   she sez it's a common thing for people to blame something on some sort of condition, coz its an easy-out to be able to blame something on something else and therefore absolve themselves of the consequences, or to not take responsibility for it to not work at it to fix it (i am not saying you are).   so i shouldn't feel bad when i do it occassionally.   its when it becomes too much that it becomes unhealthy, and that's when someone is said to be hypochondriac (or whatever the term is).

anyway... that is the extent of my psychological-therapeutic expertise, so keep that in mind when i give this piece of unsolicited advice, ok? so here goes...

i take it that you are referring to "dissociation" and not "disassociation?" okay, then.   as jamie explained it to me, dissociation is when, like, i'm driving home and i get to the house and i don't recall anything about my drive home.   or when i think i blacked out and i suddenly wake up to find myself standing over the prone body of my irritating, smart-aleck engineer lying on the ground with a black eye, and my left hand in excruciating pain.   or when i am so pre-occupied by something that i find that i have been running in autopilot for a while and not recalling anything i have been doing.   one of the heavier dissociative conditions is split personality (like tara in the tv show, the united states of tara).   thak god that hasn't happened. yet.... yeesh...

it's when your mind "dissociates" or is chopped up or compartmentalized in such a way that the conscious "you" that you are now (maybe that's the id, i don't know) isn't aware of what your physical you is doing.   the fact that your mind is able to make a commentary about things as you go through whatever you are going through proves that isn't dissociation since you are aware of the "voice".   the main cure for split personality, for example, is to make the different personalities aware of each other as the dissociation is happening. in that one moment, the fragmented mind can get back together.   the fact that you are "in touch" with the "voice" means its not dissociation.   also -  

the fact that you say it is a "habit" means it's not dissocation coz you are aware of it but you just can't seem to have the willpower to stop.   like addiction? i don't know.   but it's definitely not dissocation. the fact that you call it an "ability" implies you control it. can you? or did you mean something else?   the fact that you say it's a "weapon" implies that you use it to fight something.   what is it that you're fighting?

anyway... clearly you have other questions you have to ask, but whatever you have, its not dissociation...

now, if what you meant wasn't a typo and was actually "dissacociation," well, that means it's the disavowing of responsibiity for something.   like, when ethan hunt is told, "if you or any of your im force is caught or killed, the president disavows any knowledge..."   or when my programmer sez, "that program? it's not mine, so i'm not responsible for that system crash", or when i say to my boss, "that project isn't mine so it's not my fault if it missed a deadline."   in which case, then i dare say all of us suffer from that from time to time (heehee).   especially me.   but i think you won't blame me if you knew who i live with heheheh... Joke!   (just in case she reads this later...)

i hope you don't mind my flippant way of commenting. i'm trying to lighten things up, and to say that what you are experiencing isn't a deep-grained psychological problem or anything as severe as dissociation.   but, like i said, what do i know, so it may be helpful to talk to your therapist about it.

lighten up, k?   not everything is as bad as it seems. trust me, i know.   true i don't know about flashacks and ptsd, but i have had my own dark moments, my own destrucive/self-destructive moments, my own close call with suicide.   but i have fought/am fighting that. i am staying in the light. deliberately. i am practicing smile therapy. deliberately. i am trying my damndest, deliberately, to look at the greener side of the street, and not to wallow in the dark things, even though i am tempted to. hey, it's the only real weapon we have against unhappiness.   it's hard but its the only way.   deny the bad things and try and lighten up. k?   especially in your blogs.

one of these days, you will have to trust.   to not trust anyone just traps you where you are. in the dark.   so, yes, it is a risk. but your only alterative is to remain in the dark.

i don't know if you watched the tv show, friends.   anyway, early in the show's run, there was this character,   mr. heckles, the grumpy, delusional neighbor who lived one floor down. in one episode, mr. heckles dies just while he was poking his broom at the floor again. having no-one closer, in his will, he left all his possessions to 'the two noisy girls above', who think it's his last revenge since there's nothing valuable, and it is just a mountain of junk that they have to clear out, but several items do have an impact. as they go through his junk, in heckles' high school yearbook, old photos and other things, chandler is shocked to find how similar heckles was to him at his age (they were both considered the funniest guy in school, et cetera), which terrifies him coz he might end up just as lonely and mean.   seems heckles "played it safe" and never took the chance... in the end, he died alone, as an eccentric, old and crabby man.   by the end of the episode,   however, chandler realizes, through heckles' example, that he has to take a chance, on life, love and everything else. in the final scene, chandler looks around heckles' apartment one last time, smiles gently, lays heckles' poking broom down and says, "thanks, mr. heckles.   we'll try to keep it down."

so, in my long-winded way, i'm saying, lighten up and take a chance.   with therapists, people, et cetera. sure, it's a chance, but do you want to be like mr. heckles?   so consider me as mr. heckles to your chandler (although, i'd much prefer to be rachel, heehee), and realize, through my mistakes and flirtation with suicide, that although there is no guarantee, there is a chance at getting better.   and that, my dear, is worth the risk.   unless you really do want to be like mr. heckles...

and, by the way, you owe me a waffle...

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #15: Flying is fun? Hah! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am leaving for Manila at 8:30 this morning.   It's for work, not fun.   I'm arriving in Manila thirty-eight hours later, or Monday 10:30AM Manila time.   And I'm flying back Tuesday 8AM Manila time, and arriving in Reagan twenty-five or so hours later, or Tuesday, 8PM Eastern Standard.   Sixty-three hours, or more than two-and-a-half days of flying time, for all of twenty-one hours in Manila.   and much of that would be time on the road, getting ready, or whatever.   I'd probably just have eight hours with the office guys... yeesh...  

I'm going to Manila and visit our call center there.   I'm supposed to go there and make THE Announcement and attend their office Christmas Party, sort of to get to know everyone, and let them get to know me (although everyone knows it's just a cheesy Human Resource PR ploy).  

Anyway...  Let's try and break the trip down.  

Six AM pickup by the shuttle, and a thirty-minute drive to Dulles. Check-in two hours before the flight, take-off at around eight-thirty.   And thirty-eight hours flying, switching planes, eating stale plane food, try and nap and what-not.  

Arrive in Manila 8AM Monday (Manila time), maybe an hour through customs, and a car will bring me to the hotel.   The guys tell me that might be a two-hour drive.   That means I will arrive at the hotel 11AM.

So assume maybe three or four hours to check-in, rest, have lunch and get ready.   And an hour's drive to the office.   So that'll probably be at 4PM.   So, I'll have an hour briefing with the managers, and a couple of hours to make the all-important announcement and make the rounds.

7PM - back on the road, and maybe an hour's ride to the place they booked for their party.   And then announce some awards, some pep talk and then Partay!!! (although I have to keep up apearances and be reserved and boss-like...)

The party should wind down around 1AM or 2AM (there's work the following day, after all).   So maybe an hour or so to say my good-byes and go back to the hotel.   So just an hour to rest a bit, freshen up, get ready and check out, and then the thirty minute to an hour taxi ride to the airport.

That'll allow me to check in two hours before the 8AM Tuesday flight back home.   And this time, it'll be just a little over twenty-four hours of flying, switching planes, eating stale plane food, try and nap and what-not.   Again. And I woud be back home 8PM Tuesday.   An hour to go through customs, and another thirty minutes to an hour in a taxi, and then I'm finally home.

I tell you, is that any fun?   Can't be good for a girl, even an ersatz girl like me... Bleah...

Anyway.   Shuttle's coming in a while.   Talk to you guys in three days.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #16: back in Manila. Again. To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hi.   Just arrived in Manila, checked in, and Stinky Bobbie just had a looong hot shower, a nice meal, and is resting up.

The last thirty minutes of the flight was a real doozey.   Seems there's a tropical cyclone.   It's just leaving the country, actually, so I'm gonna miss it. What a coincidence - last time I was here there was one, too.

Anyway, I'm down on the ground safe n sound.   Feeling clean n rested, snug as a bug in a rug in the huuuge bed they have here, and surfing on the free internet.   Got my office clothes out, and my new cocktail dress in the wardrobe bag ready for later. It's from the rack, but I think it's a pretty nice dress. Nice shoes, too.

Just wanted to check in.   Car's coming by in a while, so I'll talk to you later.

p.s. sorry for re-using an old graphic...
 

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #17: Flying Back Home. Again. To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's 5AM here in Manila, and I'm all packed, waiting for the front desk to call me for my short ride to the   airport. I'm going home.   After all of twenty-one hours here... This is getting old real quick...

So.   Checked in with the managers yesterday at 2PM and had our short meeting-briefing. Went and shook the hands of whatever staff I saw and wished everyone a Merry Christmas.   Hunted down Tintin and gave her my little Christmas gift. Attended their office Christmas Party (in my new LBD and Gucci pumps) in that fancy-shmancy garden restaurant.   Made the "important announcement."   Announced the yearly awards.   Made a fool of myself in the talent contest.   Felt obliged to dance with several of the staff who asked.   Made my goodbyes when the party broke up at 2AM.   Went back to the hotel and had EXACTLY one hour of sleep. And here I am - flying again...   Does this make me a jet-setter? Heehee...

Anyway.   Should be back home in less than twenty-eight hours.   Seeya.

p.s.   Sorry for recycling an old graphic again.   Haven't found the trick to uploading a picture from my iPad yet.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #18: Back Home Again, or I'm so tired, I don't think I can finish  writing this blogzzzzz... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Due to a very cooperative tailwind, our plane landed early, and I got through customs real quick on account of I only had my wheelie and my wardrobe bag, and I am now home.   I missed my Moe.  

Speaking of which, thanks to those who helped Sweetie (she told me about it and, I read the blog).   Really appreciate it.   Domo arigato gozaimasu.

She's a peach ain't she?

Anyway, maybe I'll blog some more about my trip later. I'm so tired, I'm liable to fall asleep right herezzzzz...

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #19: Pre-Christmas Mayhem. To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Ma is coming later tonight.   By some artful arm-twisting (not literally, of course) by Ma, Moe n I are playing   host to eighteen people for Christmas tomorrow. And one Shetland Sheepdog.   And Ma's invited herself to stay at the house tonight to help us prepare for the family Christmas lunch tomorrow.  

But this particular blog isn't a moan-and-groan about this.   Though it's a bit of a cliche female domestic stereotype, I nevertheless like the idea of being the hostess.   And it's a switch from being the family pariah and office kick-toy.   My sister has gone through several of these trial-by-fire things (or, rather, trial-by-kitchen) and, in all honesty, sis's cooking leaves something to be desired heehee.   And I suppose, for whatever reason Ma has changed her opinion of me, she has now decided to put me through the crucible, as well.   But with Moe's amd Ma's assistance, this'll be easy.

Aside from my folks, we're expecting my sister and her husband who are flying in tonight   (Dad's fetching them from the airport, and they're staying at my folks' tonight).   An aunt and uncle from Ma's side is coming, along with their families (that'll be their spouses, two girl cousins and one boy cousin).   Besides them, two of Moe's friends from work, my three friends from college & a girlfriend.   An aunt from Dad's side is also coming, which in and of itself is a minor miracle (rarely do we see any of Dad's family).   I'm cool with everyone that's coming, more-or-less, except for Dad's sister.   We're all a little surprised at her visit, and I'm a little worried.   I'm sure you've heard of the stereotype ummm... snooty french-canadian.   Well my Dad's family is really snooty.   And none of them have really accepted me and my... condition.   Oh, well. c'est la vie.   But Moe n I have resolved to do good so, ummm, ma tante will bring a good report back to Quebec.

Mitsu, the new dog is also coming. Hope he behaves. In case he doesn't, Dad is bringing some "special" doggy treats from the vet. It's supposed to mellow him out a bit. The people at the obedience school recommends it, especily for families with Shetland Sheepdogs and other yappy pets that are having parties.

Moe n I even spent time deliberating on what to wear tomorrow.   We finally settled on a nice burgundy dress for her, and a fitted white blouse and burgundy flare-leg slacks (with-high-heeled beige platforms, but my shoes   won't be too obvious on account of the pants).   The blouse isn't one of my expensive ones so, if there's some kind of kitchen accident, I won't feel too bad.

So, although they're feminine, our outfits will be pretty conservative.   No need to give my aunt fits.   Yep, I know it is a little too AR, but with Dad's family, details count. I really wanted to wear this really pretty red party dress with a full skirt, lace, faux pearls and sequins, but Moe sez that's too over-the-top for a family party. I guess my girl-sense still needs some work. (But even so, I have it ready, plus an outfit for Moe as well, just in case it turns out to be a dressier party)

I have the special Christmas ham marinating in Ma's pineapple-spices-honey marinade, and later we're mixing up Moe's special Chicken Macaroni and chopping up a couple bowls of carrots 'n other veggies, to be covered with saran wrap and put in the fridge later, and other kitcheny stuff.   And as soon as Ma comes over, we're gonna be doing even more kitcheny stuff.

We didn't go overboard with decorations, but we do have a Christmas tree (especially decorated by Moe), with our gifts for everyone artfully arranged underneath (in case there are some unexpected guests, we have a few "generic" gifts in our upstairs closet).   

A small supply of firewood is ready in the basement, (and several bags of marshallows and some bamboo skewers are in reserve in case my buds want to roast marshmallows).   As I  do not know much about wines, Moe went and bought a selection of good, yet affordable reds and whites.   We're also gonna have diet sodas, coffee and chocolate for those who aren't drinking.

I, ahem, acquired about a gigabyte's worth of instumental christmas songs which we'll be playing to give a bit of background, and Moe had the backyard raked and dragged (no salt, of course) so no one will slip if they want to hang out there (our house isn't that big so people might want to hang there, despite the forty-degree weather).

So, I guess we're all ready, or as ready as we can be, and I have to go downstairs now and help Moe.   Best not to piss her off, as I've learned :)

Anyway, Moe 'n I hope you all have a great Christmas tomorrow.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #20: Being Preachy Again. To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Please check this link:

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/33074/worst-time-year#com...

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #21: Christmas Aftermath - Tummy Trouble To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Those that chat with me regularly online know some stuff about me.   Among them is that I ain't too tall, I have chronic insomnia and, aside from chocolate, I don't eat all that much.   It's not anorexia or anything like that, or any other kind of medical condition.   I guess I just don't eat much.   But yesterday was different.

I was responsible for cooking a lot of the food at my family Christmas party at our house yesterday (with Ma's... tutelage, though...).   Moe sez most cooks sorta turn off to eating their own cooking.   I guess being the hostess and all, and with complimentary comments from everyone save my aunt from Canada, I guess I got to relax a bit instead of being on the defensive like I usually am.

My three buds from college (let's call em Larry, Curly and, ummm, Shemp) were aways chatting Moe up, which vaguely irritated me and Curly's girlfriend, (let's call her Lucille).   But that's okay in the long run:   They were clearly out of their league with Moe. (Listen to me.    Used to be I couldn't fake confidence if my life depended on it, and now I can say bullshit things like that wth a straight face... good thing I didn't say anything out loud, athough Lucille said something to that effect as a joke.)

Anyway, I enjoyed last night, and I guess I ate too much because I wasn't self-conscious (too much for me, that is).   After all, everyone that was there have already said they were okay with us, sauf ma tante du Quebec.

I caught her and my dad having words in the kitchen, but I coudn't understand what they were saying.   In any case, I apologized and backed out real quick.

Anyway, though she wasn't friendly, she was at least civil.   I think we impressed her enough (or maybe it was because of   Dad) that we mostly got along.   It was a good night, or good enough.   (at the end of the night, she was actually hoping to spend the night at our house.   Well, tough noogies.   Dad was firm that she's sleeping over at my folks' house.)

The center of attention was my sister (as usual), Moe and her two Asian friends (especially the real sexy Indian girl) and our new dog, Mitsu.   My dad brought beefy-smelling dog biscuits shaped like the nut part of a nut-and-bolt,  called "Foster and Smith Ultra-calm Bites" and it sure made    Mitsu non-yappy the whole night.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts - I got pocketbooks, a couple shawls (fake hermes scarves, but who can tell? heehee), some DVDs, computer-related things and various artices of clothing.   My aunt gave me some Arrow button-down men's shirts, (Arrow is Dad's favorite brand), and she didn't give Moe anything.   Grrr... Anyway, the laugh's on her - the solid-color shirts she gave will work real well with Moe's and my skirts n slacks.   I guess she isn't aware of color-block outfits.

Anyway, last night went real good, but this morning...

I woke up with a real bad tummyache at around 4 or 5.   Moe gave me a laxative, and   I've been to the bathroom six times already (okay - all together now: one, two, three, "ewww!")

I guess, when one normally doesn't eat a lot...

Out of consideration to Moe, I've been using the downstairs bathroom.

My bum doesn't feel good right now.   Good thing I'm on vacation.

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The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #22: Road Trip To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hi.   Moe n I decided on going on a spur-of-the-moment road trip.   She had just resigned from her job and yesterday was her last day, whereas I am having a mild case of cabin fever.   So, crazy or not, we're going on a road trip to cheer ourselves up.   So we're getting an early start on the day, and just drive around, just be a couple of tourists, check in at a hotel, and be back tomorrow.   Or maybe Friday (wink wink).   Weather seems good, save for the 40-degree temp.   But we'll be okay.

So seeya in a day or two!

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The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #23: Blonde Ambition To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I may have mentioned before that my partner had resigned from her job, for family reasons.   But as is typical with her, she had it all planned out.   Prior to resigning, she had sent out her CV and had lined up some interviews.   Moe is going abroad this week for interviews with the ADB, the Thomas Jefferson Cultural Center, the WHO and JICA.   Not for any big position, mind you, just a position with their PR or research departments.   So she had an appointent at the hairdressers this morning, to get all gussied up for her interviews.   I went with her to get a trim, but mostly to keep her company.   But as these things always seem to go with her, I got roped into trying something.   So guess what?

I'm a blonde now.

You know how it goes.   A bit of good-natured teasing here, a little hint there, and after almost an hour - I'm a blonde...

Moe had it easy: all she had done was a trim, some dark red highlights and some styling. Not with me. Still, it wasn't as complicated as I thought it would be - a little trim, a light wash, and then the developer and lightener.   After the prerequisite thirty minutes, a rinse and then a conditioner, and then styling.

I am now sporting a head of dark ash blonde, shoulder-length hair in a Mary-Louise Parker-style layered do, with the dark roots fashionably showing.

I thought it looked good, but as I stared at it longer, the fear that I'd done something terribly wrong got bigger and bigger...

To my relief, the hairdresser said not to worry, that it'll wash out in two weeks or ten washings, whichever comes first.   But apparently, I mis-heard - Moe explained that my hair would be ready for another bout of coloring in about two weeks, so, if I should so decide I don't really like it, I can have it dyed back to its original color then.

The color is officially "dark ash blonde" - what I thought was called "dirty blonde."   And I had this sneaking feeling that it doesn't really match my face.   Sorta like Jessica Alba in The Fantastic Four.   She really looked super-gorgeous as a blonde in that movie, but it was so obviously a do simply because her features were not that of a blonde.   I'm not saying I look anything remotely as gorgeous as Jessica, but I think you know what I mean.

Many times I've said that girls have the advantage over guys in our almost unlimited options for accessorizing.   One of em's the hair.   Unless he can bring it off, or is very subtle about it, a guy coloring his hair is usually making a mistake since he's liable to stick out like a sore thumb.   Not so with girls.   At least, I think so.

But, regardless, a guy OR a girl has to do her accessorizing appropriately, and do it with taste, otherwise, she may end up doing an Ugly Betty.   I am praying so hard that this isn't an Ugly Betty mistake.

Well, it remains to be seen what the people at the office will say when they see me tomorrow.

Now, like, the only remaining danger is that, like, I might start talking with a blonde accent.   Like, y'know, when, like a grrrl starts to get into the whole blonde thing, and, like, totally get into the part.   It's, oh, I don't know... it's rilly gross how, like, some girls, act like complete bimboes just coz they're, y'know, blonde or somethin.   Totally bogus.

But that's not goin' to happen to me.   Totally.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #24: Not the Same Anymore To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

My housemate is abroad for a couple of weeks.   She left early Wednesday morning for some interviews.   From our last Skype conversation, she said she finished two of them, and she has one more on Monday, and another Tuesday.   Tuesday afternoon, she's flying to her little hometown in Kyoto Japan for a long-scheduled visit. And she'll be back Saturday evening. Which is the problem.  

She now has a guaranteed spot at the ADB, provided she accepts, but she's gonna wait to finish her interviews with the TJCC and WHO, before she decides.   

Then she's gonna go visit her folks.   Though she is late for Oshogatsu (which MoeMoe has explained is somewhat similar to our own Spring Cleaning tradition, except that its highlight is a family gathering at the end), as well as most of the Shinnenkai parties (which I learned are like New Year's Eve parties, but with lots more alcohol), she has decided to visit her family.   Just in case there are "problems", she has booked a room at a nearby hotel.   I hope everything goes well.   

Anyway, I really miss her.   Sure she'll be away for just about two weeks - still.

It's been just me for a long time.   After my surgeries and my ex-girlfriend decided to leave, I have always relied on myself for everything - an effect of my estrangement from my family, losing touch with old friends, and a limited circle of new ones.   I lived for a while bordering on poverty, but made sure I had enough to pay for my place and the monthly payments for my debts (which by then I had transferred them all into one account, making it more simple to pay for them).   Being alone was no big deal, it was just how things were.   And, truly, it wasn't so bad.

Going on and slogging through life, after a while I came to a sort of equilibrium, which allowed me to take charge, find new work.   Life seemed less lonely and more fulfilling - new office-friends and more fulfilling work, more "distractions" - jogging, blogging, writing stories in the web, finishing off my bank payments, shopping.   And finding a life partner.  

Even a few... bumps in the road weren't too hard to get past now.

But along with all of these things, my armor against loneliness seems to have been... eroded.   I find that my independent nature has disappeared and have become dependent on other people.   Nights alone are not as easy to endure, and my insomnia has become worse (I'm still awake, as you can see heehee). I sure do miss her. It's not the same anymore.

Those like me find it easy to lapse back into old ways, to wallow in the darkness as before.   But I won't.   And though I feel very lonely right now, and can't sleep (as per use), I'll try to get some shuteye.

I have a brunch date with my best friend later and then window-shopping with some of the girls from the office, and then dinner.   Everything to stop feeling lonely and sad. I won't sit around like before and let things happen to me.

Aldous Huxley once said, “if one's different, one's bound to be lonely.” Perhaps.   But, I prefer the quote I googled from writer Darren Shan:     “You do not have to be alone. The world never inflicts loneliness upon us. That is something we choose or reject by ourselves.” So I'm choosing to reject it.

I began this blog thinking it's not the same anymore. No, things are not the same anymore.   Things are better.   And if they're not - I'll find a way to make them better.   I guess, mostly, that's what's different now.

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The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #25: Anticipation To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

My partner's done with her interviews in Manila, and she passed three of her four interviews.   So I guess we are pushing through with it.   She visited her family, and is having a wonderful time.   Turns put that she didn't need to check in at the hotel she had reserved a room in.   But the biggest, most important thing, is that she's coming home tomorrow.   Yayyyy!   I'm excited!

2012 is shaping up to be a year full of changes for my little family, at a time when I was hoping that we'd actually be settling in.   The predictability of established routines are things I crave, and perhaps as time passes (as it eventually does), maybe I'll eventually get bored with routine, but for now, I want predictability, routine, structure... normalcy.

As 2011 was winding down, normalcy seemed to be settling in: a morning routine of breakfast, work, an evening routine of picking up MoeMoe, dinner out some days, most others dinner at home courtesy of Moe's cooking, and a few hours of together-time after, of maybe DVD watching, reading, talking, or some other quality time thing; Saturday - weekend bike/jog, laundry, house cleaning, an afternoon out with friends, or just us; Sunday - our official no-plans day where we do anything after church (just me - Moe practices Shintoism, but not... religiously). Typically it's shopping, whether it's just grocery-shopping, clothes shopping, whatever, but sometimes we just stay at home or maybe just get lost downtown.

But, as the French writer, Francois de la Rochefoucauld, wrote, "the only thing constant in life is change." There have been developments at work that necessitate yet another upheaval in my family life.   Depending on who you talk to, it could be a positive change or a negative one.   It will remain to be seen.   Personally, though, I thnk it's a positive thing, though a bit scary.

Well, there are other changes - minor, inconsequential ones - that have been happening.   For example, I've been wearing more... racy outfits to the office this week.   I guess my new do has emboldened me to try new outfits.   I wore a tight red outfit, a black one and a white one, all of them with hemlines higher and necklines lower than my usual clothes.   But still within the bounds of office decorum - maybe hems a maximum of 4 inches above the knee, and nothing too low-cut.   Yesterday, I didn't even wear a skirt, but a pair of plum-colored slim-fit flare pants with 3-inch stiletto pumps and a fitted long-sleeved bright-white sheer bodysuit with a poet collar.   I think my clothes' funky colors complement my new hairstyle.

I've been getting compliments for my new look most of the week, and I guess I like it enough that I might continue on with it for a while, or until feb. 17, or until we have to go.   I've also been getting looks when I've been out (but more likely, it's nothing, and it's just all in my head).   But, in all honesty, I have been making justifications, or taking advantage of, opportunities to go out for lunch, or do windowshopping.   If I have to be honest with myself, I guess I like the attention.   I suppose, though, this is an effect of feeling a little lonely - wanting attention and so forth.    Guess I miss Moe.

Anyway. Goes to show, changes can be positive or negative.

But, like I said, the most important thing is - Moe's coming home tomorrow!   Yayy!

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")   Blog #26: Moe's Back! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

MoeMoe is Back!

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #27: Of Shakespeare and Private Messages To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I got a pleasant private message early this morning, which I read before my usual early Saturday morning jog (sometimes bicycle ride), from someone named Kate, and she wanted to talk about some of the stuff I wrote.

Seems that she spotted an error in one of my stories, specifically, Danny Part 6.   

There was a quote there which I used, which went, "I love thee, I love but thee, with a love that shall not die  till the sun grows cold and the stars are old."

A beautiful quote, but, in the story, I said that it was from Shakespeare.   Kate had pointed out that it was actually from a poem by Bayard Taylor called "Bedouin Song."   

I did some research and it was true.   It was by Taylor and not Shakespeare.   Taylor was an American poet who lived in the eighteen hundreds., and wrote his poem two hundred years after Shakespeare.

But I also found out that my mistake wasn't unique (thank goodness) and that a lot of others made the same mistake.   Which bucked me up a bit.   Another quote that is regularly attributed mistakenly to Shakespeare were the lines,  "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways" et cetera.   This was actually from sonnet number 43 from a 44-sonnet piece from 1850, called "Sonnets from the Portuguese" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I truly appreciated Kate's considerateness (or is it "consideration") for correcting me privately, but I could not help but think of others who do the same thing - correct the writers, but as public comments instead.  

In my last story, I felt sorely picked on when every other public comment seemed to be a correction.   There was one particular comment that I thought was particularly brutal.   It was a fairly long comment - twelve paragraphs long, and each paragraph was about how the commenter did not quite agree... or how it was odd that... or how she can't believe that...

Still others' posts were more, ummm, quantifiable, and talked about specific errors about the technology I used in the story.   At least those were easier to field.

The one thing I learned here was that readers feel a direct connection to the stories they like, and as such feel very proprietary about them, and feel that they have the right to make demands of the writer, to correct, possibly to improve, the story they so like.   That's okay by me.   But I just don't understand why they have to do so publicly.   I wish that they would do so in a private way, instead of in public.

Anyway, I guess I am considering discontinuing my latest story now.   Or maybe I just need time for my wounded pride to recover.   I don't know yet.

Those who haven't written much do not really know how much of themselves writers put into their work, nor do they know how difficult it is to write stories, and therefore how badly negative commennts or corrections can hurt, even though they couch them in polite words (At least that is one thing I am glad about here in BCTS - that Erin will not allow obviously negative or rude posts and comments.)

So, my apologies to The Bard, and a big thank you to Considerate Kate.   I will quote Shakespeare again: "I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks."

An this time, I'm sure this is really Shakespeare.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

In My Life - Thoughts and Dreams and Hopes "Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." - C.S. Lewis a blog by Andrea DiMaggio   The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #28: Lessons From the Heart - A Blog by Aunty Andrea and her niece, Bobbie C. To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Lessons From the Heart -
A Blog by Aunty Andrea and her niece, Bobbie C.

 
Andrea and Her Days

It's amazing how blessed I am. Today I spent the better part of an hour in therapy weeping - beginning the hour with tears of bitter anger and sadness until in the midst of it all I realized just how great things have become. What could have turned into self-pity has been transformed by the knowledge that I have so much to be thankful for.

I suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and yet I think I am fortunate because I have the good fortune to be under the care of the foremost immunologist in the field, in the NY/Metropolitan area.

I also have a tremor disorder but, through a series of missed connections, I ended up contacting a practice in Manhattan for help with my problem instead of the one I was supposed to contact, which turns out to be the number one treatment practice in the world for tremor and epileptic disorders.

And I deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. In looking for a therapist, I happened to have called the wrong phone number last February. Instead of the therapist I had been referred to, I ended up connecting with my present therapist (who is highly recommended by Psychology Today as an expert in Traumatology, by the way).

You might be in good hands with Allstate, but I am wrapped in a cocoon of care that no one could have foreseen two years ago.

Today was a hallmark day as well, because I finally gave myself permission to be angry for all the hurt I endured as a child. Not to stay angry, but to get rid of the anger. And I've discovered that many of the symptoms that gave me great concern about more serious conditions have turned out to be just the logical outcomes of the stress and strain my whole being has gone through. I am also no longer dealing with out-of-control diabetes, and my health - both emotional and mental - is improving.

But the best part? A relative who had been hostile to me since very early on has become so kind and accepting and affirming. Things between us have improved so much that she smiles when we greet, and she actually cries when we part. How blessed am I?

My signature has changed quite a few times over the years, and the current one reflects how I feel: "Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." (C.S. Lewis)

I've found that crying has been alright in its own way, and while I don't imagine this old girl is going to stop crying altogether any time soon, I've decided on what I'm going to do. There's a song that says, "I'm wasting no more time looking back over my shoulder." So... maybe volunteer work now that my health is finally improving? And exploring the possibility of publishing my work in venues other than solely the internet? The possibilities are many, bringing as many challenges as solutions, but I'm moving forward!

 
Bobbie and Her Metamorphosis

Though I cannot claim to have gone through as much as Andrea has (whom I have considered an aunt for quite a while now, in spirit even if not by blood), I also think I am also blessed.

My tale of woe was perhaps not as trying as was hers, but I guess it has also taught me things, too.

My early days are familiar to most TGs, I'm sure, and though they may differ in the details, the broad strokes are probably the same: A child feeling something wrong at an early age, identifying with the wrong gender, wanting to play the wrong games, dressing in the wrong clothes, preferring the wrong things. And like many who thought like that child, hid it from the family, playing a masquerade of being "normal," keeping family and siblings clueless.

But other children can be perceptive in many ways that grownups aren't, and they can see through such a subterfuge, and can be cruel to that child as only children can be.

I have gone through this kind of cruelty and, though stories like mine have become trite, overused and clichéd in today's coming-of-age stories, no one really knows how it really is and how it can affect you unless you go through it yourself. I grew up with a lifeless, lonely and humiliation-filled childhood. Ridicule and, many times, physical persecution were common things in my young life, though to be fair, I did have a few good times as well (though I wish there were more of those times).

In growing older, this did not diminish but rather it increased. But as my ideas of myself and the world coalesced, I was finally able to put two and two together. And with the things I have read, and the things I have seen on TV and in the news, I discovered that there was a way out. I was glad for what I found. But with my sexual awakening, it made me more frantic and desperate for this way out.

I was fortunate that I found a kindred spirit (or so I thought), and together we went through our young adulthood, both of us leaning on, and relying on, each other - me more than her.

And, with her encouragement, I took the plunge. I complied with the SOC requirements, got myself under psychoanalysis, began HRT (but not before depositing some "samples" at the "bank") and started to go out into the world "dressed." I liquidated all that I could liquidate, borrowed the rest of what I needed, and took the plunge. Like a well planned military campaign that she and I outlined, I methodically went through what else I needed to go through - SRS, cosmetic surgery (mostly FFS procedures), et cetera. But when all was done, my kindred spirit turned out not to be. To my (and her's as well) surprise and dismay, it turned out she couldn't stand the new me and decided to deprive me of what sustained me through those years of hope and transition: herself. What I thought was the answer to my prayers to be free and be myself - well this wasn't it. And there was no way back now.

Because of what I had done to myself, I could not go to my family, or even the few friends I had. I was truly alone now. Truly and completely alone with literally no way back. Only the timely intervention of my therapist-turned-friend rescued me from suicide, and thus began my long trek back to the world of the living, bereft of my rudder and my life compass, of everything but what I had left of myself.

I began my journey back by considering practical matters first. Taking what job I could to survive and stave off destitution, I squeaked narrowly past the line between poverty and survival by being a waitress-slash-cashier for a time, earning less than minimum wage (which, needless to say, was insufficient to hold back my ever-growing debts) but surviving. And after a while, I was eventually able to find a job similar to the one I had prior to HRT. I was able to improve my financial situation but not my emotional one - contrary to my hope that with what I had done to myself, I would be closer to the true me, and everything would be fine, sadly, it was not a magic switch - seems despite what mask I wore, the ugly side of people still reigned.

Although to strangers, I was who I outwardly seemed to be, but to co-workers and ex-friends, and the people that mattered, I did not. But I refused to believe my dream a lie: that all I had done was just an exercise in failure. So I pushed on. Rebelling against the persecution I felt at work, I left my shitty job and my prejudiced, intolerant and mercenary coworkers, and got a new one.

I was under no illusions when I started my new job, but I was determined to make a good showing of it. The plan was fairly simple - do not volunteer my history and try and behave as the new me without the baggage that was my past, face whatever came with confidence and forthrightness even if I didn't really feel the confidence and forthrightness. And for a time, it seemed to work. For a time, I was free to be. I even dared to think that I might already have found my real kindred spirit and partner-in-life.

But something happened which seemed to have brought my charmed new existence crashing down. But, in the end, it didn't - all that that "incident" did was to steel my resolve, and paradoxically, it sort of crystallized things for me: It seemed that my new resolve was strengthened all the more. Ex-friends were friends again (more or less) and new friends are waiting in the wings (perhaps just waiting for me to let them in), and my family is now back in my life. My new partner-in-life stayed with me, unlike the one before, and good things are still happening. And, maybe this time I can be free for real. And if it doesn't last, I will at least savor every moment.

Like Aunt Andrea, I feel blessed as well. Blessings come in many forms, that's true. And another thing that I found true was that blessings don't come to you. You must look for them, make them happen even. Blessings, I think, aren't gifts without strings attached. They are rewards for your hard work, for denying the darkness and the lonely days, for fighting through to the light, never giving up and daring to reconnect with others - going to them instead of waiting for them to come to you (because they won't ever do, unless you make the first move). Scream it into the face of loneliness, gimme your best, bitch! You're nothing! I deny you! I refuse! I deny you.

 
Bobbie, Reaping the Whirlwind

In BCTS, I often find myself in lecture-mode, and I guess it's because I want to communicate to people what I had learned. But words are a paltry, threadbare way of communicating things - like when one is unable to communicate feelings and emotions on the internet and resort to smileys. Except that there is no smiley that will help me to properly say what I want to say.

It's easy to say, "I attempted suicide." But in this current world, those are mere words, worse they are clichéd words. But has anyone paused to think what that meant for the person? What dark depths of despair her soul must have plumbed for her to actually want to end it all? And what must she have discovered or felt to actually get her to claw her way back, even if the world was indifferent to her return?

Those who fling around words of sadness and despair with such unconcern like a teen goth-girl or emo-girl indulging in manufactured feelings of loneliness, feeling herself full of profundity and, in that way, feeling fulfilled - they only play-act in a grotesque vicarious way what the failed suicidee felt.

What they do not know is that they are playing with fire. Woe to them when the words they mouth off so casually become real instead of just the literary bricks that they use in creating their blogs and stories. And when they tell them often enough, they will indeed become real. As any politician knows, tell something often enough and people will start to believe.

I have tried to impart this to people, but writing about depression is too easy, too effortless, while writing about good things is so very hard to do. After all, you have to look for them (unlike the dark words which are just lying readily around just waiting to be picked up), and good words are actually hard to use because, if you don't feel them - to actually hear them, much more speak them yourself... well, imagine seeing someone smiling and happy while you are trapped in a spiral of frustration, anger, depression (that you created for yourself)... betcha you'd like to pop the supercilious little altruist a big one in the face.

But the thing is, if what you want is to be happy, isn't it sort of the wrong thing to be talking about the opposite thing?

Isn't it worth everything to put the extra bit of effort, if the payback in the end is something good?

I have tried to remain true to this point of view, to walk the walk and talk the talk, and have tried to make most of my posts positive and life-affirming. I just wish my words were clear enough that I could tell this more understandably...

 
Andrea and the Fellowship

One of my favorite movie scenes comes from the movie, The Fellowship of the Ring, where Frodo says to Gandalf that he wishes the ring had never come to him. Like me, he wishes that none of 'this' had happened. The hard, painful, and even grievous things in my life, you know. But Gandalf is encouraging, saying that all of us feel that way, but it's not for us to decide what happens, but rather to decide what to do with the time we have. A choice to respond to stop feeling sorry for myself and forge ahead and take whatever adventure comes my way. Like Bobbie says, fighting through to the light.

So, every day, many of the things that come to me are more than just challenging. Some things have gotten better and some haven't. I could just look at things and say that it's okay to feel sorry after all, you know? But I choose instead not to surrender - to never give up! I expect that each of us deals with challenges that would daunt even the bravest of heroes, but I hope that my friends here (at BCTS) would choose to face those challenges, since the payoff is growth and change and success. And maybe even happiness. Choose to dare, aye?

 
Andrea & Bobbie

We’ve both had our ups and downs in life, as you have read, and while our paths have been decidedly different, our destinations are very much the same, at least in one regard: we’re doing our darndest to become the persons we believe we were meant to be. And that has only happened by moving forward. As Bobbie reminds me all the time, and as Aunt Andrea has shown me through her example, if we're moving forward, even if slowly, and with small steps only, we're making progress. And in many ways, if we stop in our tracks, perhaps to maybe take inventory of how bad things are, we'd be moving backwards as if we’ve stopped walking on a moving treadmill. But even the slightest movement forward is a gain.

The both of us wish for you the same kind of resolve, the same kind of outlook. Our lives have shown us the path to follow. Perhaps you'd care to walk the path with us?
 
 
 

Andrea DiMaggio    To see all of Andrea's blogs - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/andrea-lena-dimaggio To see Andrea's stories - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/drea-dimaggio

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #29: The Big Move To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Okay, then.   Moemoe and I are completely packed.   Our wheelies and carry-ons are all set.   The house has been cleaned and shut up.   We've called a taxi service, and early tomorrow morning, a cab is coming to bring us to the airport.

You see, we are leaving and moving.   To another country, in fact.   

So, goodbye, everyone!

GOTCHA!   Heehee...  

Actually, we ARE moving.   But not completely... Hmmm.   I think I will explain.

It's my fault, actually.   For one reason or another, it seems I have been "volunteered" to be the interim manager for our BTO/call center in Manila.   After some management and financial snafus, maagement at HQ has decided to send someone to keep things there on the level as they clean house.   And that someone turned out to be me.   Management said I was on the top of the list of people they think can do this, esp. because of how I handled myself when we were there July 2010.   

Actually, I've known about this since November of last year.   In fact, that was why I was at their Christmas party last December, to formally make the announcement. That's also the reason why Moe got a job in Manila (Her first day will be Thursday, Feb. 23).

I am going to be there four weeks out of every six, and, after six months, if things have improved, it'll be changed to two out of every six.   At that point, I'll start interviewing some local folks and see if we can find someone who HQ will trust to run things full time.   They should be completely on their own in less than a year.

I will still be running things at my old office at the same time, though, although somewhat remotely.   Sammi is now deputy manager, and we will run things together somehow.   Any project meetings, or like that, will be scheduled for when I'm there, and Sammi will run all other matters (although she only has LOA for $1,000 or below).

Thank goodness I was able to convince Sammi to move her planned availment of the company's early retirement program to next year so she could help (which ups her retirement package more...), which I am grateful for, otherwise all of this won't work.

Her equivalent in Manila is Tintin, the girl that I got to be friends with two years ago, who was the admin executive for the sales operations division.   The difference is that she can't approve or sign any payroll, OT, or other C&B documents, nor any payment or contract-related or paperwork.

Tech has also set up permanent video-conferencing equipment between the two offices to help, too.

My lawyer got in the act last November, and got some safeguards in place to see that this isn't actually some way for management to ease me out.   Since that "incident" more than a year ago ( http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/22332/working-girl-blog-4... ), my lawyer's been on guard for such a thing, so he's put some contractual safeguards in place.   Although he said that, as best as he could find out, this is all totally legit and on the up-and-up...

'Kay.   Time to go.   Next time I post will be from Manila.   Wish us luck!

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #30: About Jetlag and Writing To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I always hear a lot of stories about people having to cope with jetlag, and all the little tricks one can do to overcome it. Well, did you know, besides being a wonderful website, BCTS is also good for avoiding jetlag...

There is exactly thirteen hours time difference between the local time in Manila and the time back home. So, knowing this, Moe and I came prepared. All throughout our flight (there were four connecting flights, by the way... grrr...), Moe and I decided not to sleep. That way, our internal clocks would find it easier to adjust.

Moe wasn't able to, though (poor dear), but I was able to. What I did was I finished off a little story I had in the back burner since last December. Wonder of wonders, I did finish it, and I didn't fall asleep...

So now, it"s nine in the morning here and I find myself almost adjusted to local time. Anyway, we're straightening out the new place a bit, and at about twelve noon, my driver will be coming over and driving me to the new office. (I'm real nervous!)

So, wish me luck at the new job, and I hope you enjoy my story, "The New Agent." ( http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/34511/new-agent )

Bye!

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #31: Oh, No, You Don't! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

For those intending to "borrow" text from my stories or posts here or in the website, fictionmania.tv, or in other websites, I am stating directly and without any qualification, exception or limitation, that I am not giving permission for any part of my stories and blogs here and in other websites to be used in other stories, posts or publications.

   
Now, I'm sure you're all wondering what brought this up from out of the blue.   Well, I'll tell you.

I have been exchanging some emails with certain fellow BCTS readers.   Having gone the other side of the planet, my time zone's been flipped over, which sort of cuts me off from most of my BCTS friends - they'd be asleep at the time when I'm awake.

But since a  lot of people read BCTS, there are a few out there that, though they don't have the same time zone as my current one, at least their time's closer to mine, and these were the folks I was chatting with via email. Sure it's a slow way of chatting, since you have to wait for a response after you send an email.   We didn't really mean to chat this way - it just happened.

We emailed back and forth about the topics that were currently "hot topics" in BCTS.   The "talk"  turned to that plagiarist that used the pseudonym, "Austin Logan," who published in amazon.com stories he had plagiarized from elsewhere, and claimed them as his own.

Playing amateur Nancy Drews and Hardy Boys, we tried figuring out what this joker's plan was, but we couldn't.   He is very deluded to think he would never be found out.   In any case, the stories he plagiarized from a BCTS/FM witer with the pseudonym "Tigger" were pulled from Amazon.   My new email buds say Mr. Austin had supposedly plagiarized other stories but they didn't know if these stories were pulled as well.

There were also some discussion about someone "borrowing" portions of others' work and splicing them into his.   Many things have happened regarding this, but I guess, for obvious reasons, I won't detail them here.   We had also wondered why this person thought he could do this without being found out, but we couldn't figure it out either.

I just wish such people would stop doing this.   I don't have much stuff here, much less stuff that is worthy of being plagiarized, but the possibility that someone would gets me quite hot under the collar (or the neckline, depending on which top I am wearing heehee).

So, here's a "point of clarification" for anyone contemplating "borrowing" text from my posts and blogs - let me reiterate: I am unequivocally stating that I am NOT giving permission for any part of my stories and blogs here, in fictionania.tv, and in other sites as well, to be used in other people's stories, posts or publications.   No exceptions.   Claims that I gave such permission are bogus:   if anyone should use my text - they should put a link in their post or publication to whatever website/webpage where I supposedly gave permission.   I will NOT give persmission that cannot be substantiated this way.

And, can I ask a favor?   If anyone finds someone doing this, please let me know.   Privately, of course - it's only fair to check it out before publicly claiming that it IS a case of plagiarizing.   Erin will not stand for anything less.

I suppose it would be okay if it was a quotation - which means that the text is identified with quotation marks, and the person being quoted is also identified. Apologies - I know you guys know what a quotation is.   I am just being thorough.

But then again, quoting someone wouldn't be the plagiarist's objective, which is to claim other people's words as his own.

Many have said that there are no more truly original ideas to be had.   I sort of believe that - a lot of the stuff I write are based on other people's ideas, or were inspired by other people.   But I have not stolen other people's words and claimed them as mine.   And to illustrate what I am saying, here's a quote from that great inventor, writer and statesman, Benjamin Franklin:   "There is much difference between imitating a man and counterfeiting him." (Please note the quotation marks and the fact that I identified the words as coming from Mr. Franklin.   Heehee)

May your muse keep your mind filled and your imagination alive, and may your conscience keep you guilt-free and plagarism-free.
     

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #32: I'm a Hot Girl To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am one hot girl.   And you know why?   Coz it's ninety-four degrees over here.   Heehee.

And people say I'm cute, too (joke!).

Yep.   It's pretty warm over here.   Ma and I were skyping last night (morning for her), and according to her, temperature's been hovering between 35 and 45 degrees back home.   When I told her this weekend was the hottest day in the country for the year so far, at 34.5 centigrade or 94.1 farenheit, with some meteorologist saying it might even go up to 37 centigrade (98.6 F) or even higher, Ma said that sounded nice. Eh? Dad says to watch out for heatstroke, and I told him not to worry - the office and the new house is fully air-conditioned.   Dad, being a nerd-at-heart despite his acting all macho to impress Ma, worries about such things...

It's officially summer here, which coincides with the kids' summer vacation (which is from mid-March to June).   Being in the tropics, Manila doesn't really have summer months - the year is divided into wet and dry seasons and one of the dry seasons is from March to May, which peope around here call "summer."

Most people are wearing summer-type clothes, which is nice, but, in truth, if you don't wear summer-type stuff, you'll probably be drenched in sweat by the time you get to the office.

Girls prefer wearing light, short-short sundresses partnered with light tights or leggings.   Around the office, most of the girls are bare-legged and in heels (my former-guy radar is happy).   As for the guys, short-sleeved shirts are de rigeur here, but for some who need to be more formal, they have a kind of shirt called a Barong Tagalog, and there are short sleeved versions of this.   They look pretty light and cool, just made for Manila weather.

The driver assigned to me is, of course, not included.   He has to wear a jacket (which he has lately swapped for a thin windbreaker) so he can hide his sidearm - yep, I have an armed bodyguard-slash-driver.   I feel like some politico or some kind of celebrity, or maybe a gangster (well, actually more like a gun moll heehee).

The weather doesn't faze Moe much - according to her, Tokyo has similar hot-and-humid weather around July.   Except that they don't indulge in summer-weather clothes there - most have to sweat it out in western-style office clothes.

But, although it's a little humid, I don't know - I like it, although I may get a little too tanned (having taken after my mom who's from south Italy, I am not exactly fair, and tan quite easily).   A lot of the girls here use umbrellas to get out from under the sun.   I even saw one using a dainty little parasol, but she was a little girl and it went well with her little sundress outfit.   We even went to a beach in a place called Puerto Azul last Saturday, which was a short 3-hour drive away, and just lazed around under a beach umbrella doing absolutely nothing except surf (the net, that is - I brought my iPad), drink coconut shakes and rum-free virgin Pina Coladas.   Any excuse to wear a swimsuit, y'know.   And to get tan lines...

Anyway, enough blogging - it's back to work (it's Tuesday, 9AM here).   All I seem to be doing nowadays is paperwork.   Grrrr.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #33: A Lesson on Language, or No, My Thing Isn't Broken... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Online translators are rarely perfect when they translate sentences from one language to another, but most times they at least approximate what you intended to say.   Sometimes, though, they don't even come close.

Aunt Andrea sent a comment recently and she said, in Filipino, "pumalya inyo."
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/34843/family-girl-blog-32...

Anyway, I talked to Tintin, my assistant here, and asked what that meant.   She said it meant, "your thing is broken."

Huh?

Hmmm.   Sounds faintly worrisome.   I assumed that wasn't what she was trying to say, so I tried to figure it out, with some interlingual assistance from Tintin.

And my "thing" is working fine, thankyouverymuch...

So.   Here's what I got from "Professor" Tintin...

"Pumalya" is a verb that translates to "miss" or "to be absent," and  "inyo" is a pronoun that translates to "your" or "yours".   But It's our guess when Aunt Andrea used Google, Google thought the word "miss" was akin to the "miss" in "I 'miss' you," but according to Tintin "pumalya" is more like the "miss" in "I 'missed' the target," or like "I will 'miss' the meeting."

Like English, Filipno is a very polysemic language, where one word can have many meanings.   Thing is, the polysemic English pronoun-slash-verb "miss" did not have a one-is-to-one match with the polysemic verb "palya," and its past participle form, "pumalya."

Colloquially, "pumalya" is used in sentences referring to misfiring car engines or things that went wrong.   For example, "my car is not running smoothly," or "my car is misfiring" can translate to "pumapalya ang kotse ko."   "I made a mistake" can translate to "pumalya ako."   Or "your thing did not work" can translate into "pumalya ang inyo."

The thing is, the idea or sentiment behind the sentence, "I miss you" isn't directly translatable since the Filipino language doesn't have a direct equivalent to that sentiment.   The closest would be "I wish you were here" (formally - "ang nais ko ay nandito ka" or informally - "sana nandito ka.").   

Tintin says there are more ways of saying the same thing, but Filipinos nowadays just bridge the translation gap by resorting to what they call "Taglish," which is when they use English words in sentences, conjugating them as if they were Filipino words, especially if the idea they want to convey has no direct equivalent in Filipino, or if they want to convey the exact same idea.   This is no problem for bilingual Filipinos that know both English and Filipino - they do word-substitution instinctively.   In common discussions, in fact, it's very common for Filipinos to mix both languages.

Anyway, the colloquial taglish translation of "I miss you" is "nami-miss kita," or, informally, "miss kita" or "miss ko na ikaw."

So, to respond to Aunt Andrea, "oo, miss ko rin ikaw."

Which translates to "Yes, I miss you, too."

And there's definitely nothing wrong with my thing...

p.s. Hi, Aunt Andrea!   Hope you don't mind my little funny-blog.   You know I love you...
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #34, Imitation of a Regular Life (1 of 2) To see all of my Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

There are so many things that have happened to me these past seven or so years, though I know that all I have gone through don't even compare to one-tenth many of those here in BC have gone through.   But these changes of fortune and ups and downs in life are mine own, and they have helped to shape what I am now, whatever that is, which includes my attitudes, my beliefs, my points of view on life, and so many other things.

Being in a foreign land makes one look at one's life from a fresh perspective.   I suppose because the people around you look at you differently, forcing you to re-assess who and what you really are - to see yourself from a different perspective.

Hence this blog.

I suppose I should say a more different persepective heehee.   After all, us BC denizens already have "skewed" perspectives.   No offense, of course... note the quotation marks? :)

I guess all I ever really wanted was to be like everyone else, or, hmmm... That's not strictly correct... Lemme think that one through a bit...

Actually, who wants to be like everyone else?   Of course, everyone wants to be different from everyone - to be noticed, for example - to be given recognition: to hear the words "good work!" from one's boss, for example, or to be credited for your work, to be recognized for your skills or knowledge.   So. Definitely not just like everyone else.   Even with something as simple as getting kudos for your stories here in BC. :)

So it made me wonder what I really meant when I said I wanted to "be like everyone else," when I clearly didn't want to BE just "like everyone else."

Let's change tacks.

I'm sure people in DC know about 96.3FM and the Quiet Storm, which they would have on air during late evening and after midnight.   At least they did way back around 2005 or 2006.   The Quiet Storm's mostly mellow music,  jazz and old R&B.   Just the kind of soft music you'd want to have at night.

Anyway, all of this doesn't have much bearing to this blog, except that WHUR is memorable to me because of the slow, sad songs that I used to indulge in back during my suicidal "dark phase."

One of these songs that had an impact on me was a real oldie from Barry Manilow (and you guys can quit your eye-rolling and eyebrow-raising, okay?).   The lyrics go, "she's a great little housewife though sometimes she talks like a fool.   But she helps at the store in the holiday rush and she picks up the kids after school, and she puts down the phone when her husband comes home and she changes from mother to wife.  'Til she feels the words hanging between them, and she hangs by her words to her life."

A sad song from a melancholy suburban wife - pretty dated imagery which, I suppose, has less meaning in today's more emancipated world, where the stereotype of a modern female includes going beyond the confines of a housewife or homemaker - an acceptance of career, personal fulfillment and personal goals & recognition.

I grew up in a house where this was the accepted norm even though my folks weren't into that.   So my sister always knew she would be able to do what she wanted, which was just as well, given her outgoing and self-actualized persona.   I doubt if being "just" a housewife was part of her life goals.

As for me, though, the life of that girl in the Barry Manilow song seemed like a wonderful life to me - one I would probably have killed for.   But when I listened to the song a bit more, the lyrics, the melancholy melody and Barry's slightly-lisping singing did indeed make her humdrum housewife-life seem tragic, and cutting her wrist on a broken glass "quite by mistake" seemed like an explainable thing.   Justification for suicide can be many and different, one from the other (I should know), and her diappearance into the obscurity of suburbian life seemed to be one of the more justifiable reasons.

Now, with a little bit more experience with this thing we call life, with my now-jaded-yet-expectant pov, I can understand where she's coming from.   My own reasons for suicide those years ago were more "direct" reasons, but her reasons - a sense of unfulfilment, of not reaching her potential, of not discovering what else she could be - is comparatively vague and amorphous, but yet understandable.

Her life-role seemed one that people expected of her, that of "housewife" and "mother" - honorable labels that older generations hold in respect and esteem.   But for Generation Y folks such as me - those labels have become mutable and less rigid, and included "professional" and "working woman" as parts of the definition of wife and mother.   (Although my being born in 1981 makes that debatable - if I am really a Gen Y or a Gen X baby boomer.   I suppose it's better to say I'm an Echo Boomer, then. heehee...)

I suppose, in my patented long-winded way, I am saying that I am still confused about what I really wanted.   I am still looking for that storybook life that I have in my mind's eye, just like everyone has of their own particular dream, but, like everyone who has gone through enough life experiences, I, like everyone else, know that the storybook thing will always just be in the storybook, that real life will always be less than that.

That girl from the Barry Manilow song was living the storybook sixties-seventies wife, but it wasn't enough for her.   And, lookimg back, although, at the time, I thought that was the life for me, I don't think I would have wanted it for long. I am a child of my time, after all - a child of the internet, of Murphy Brown, Rebecca in Cheers, the gang from Friends, of Hillary Clinton, Tailhook, of the Pentium computer.

I love my ma, and I can look at being the stereotypical kind of wife like she was as some sort of ideal.   But, in reality, it's just not for me.   At least not completely.

Hillary Clinton's infamous quote from the nineties goes "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession, which I entered before my husband was in public life."   That is the crux of the thing - the stereotype, traditional "storybook" life and the Gen Y self-actualized career-driven life.

For me, there are many role models out there that seem to be able to balance a home life/family life yet pursue a career, and do it femininely and with unquestionable success.   One of them is Giada DeLaurentiis - pursuing a glamorous, unquestionably feminine career, and balancing it with a family life.   I  have no talent in the kitchen, of course, and have no real ambitions to be a famous chef or anything like that, but I think you know what I mean. In her program on the Food Network, I always liked it when she shares her culinary masterpieces to her friends or her husband & family at the end, looking beautiful, coiffed and galmorous.   It's probably staged and all that, but I can't help but hope they're real.   And that's what I want - to be who I have a potential to be, and yet have the kind of family life that Ma and Dad have. If I don't, well, the girl in Barry Manilow's song put it better than I ever could:

"Oh, God, I love my husband and I love my kids.   You know, I wanted to be like my mother, but if I hadn't done it as soon as I did, oh there might have been time to be me - for myself, for myself..."

This blog may be a selfish one, perhaps - at least that's how it sounds to me, wanting to have my cake and eat it, too.   If it does, I hope you don't feel too bad about me.

In the meantime, I say goodnight, for tomorrow, I will need to continue on with my imitation regular life.
     

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #35: Imitation of a Regular Life (2 of 2) To see all of my Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am a post-op TG girl, as many know, and I have had to make adjustments over the years - from the simpler, visible side of things, like the way I dress and act and sound (and even smell heehee), to more complicated things like learning new ways to live, to relate to others, and to be happy.   No choice, really, especially after I had changed what my therapist calls my "basic physical parameters," which is 21st century doctor-speak for HRT, SRS and the other plastic surgeries.

It's real difficult adjusting to a feminine life.   That's not to say it's unwanted - after all, these are the things I needed to do to accomplish the magical transition that I had desperately wanted, and eventually  have the life I have dreamed about - to have my imitation regular life.

In my last blog, I talked about more zen-like "what is life" kinds of things.   Pretty heavy stuff. But having made the commitment and having pushed on with the change, one needs to get past the fundamental sense-of-self questions like "who am I," et cetera, and adjust to the idea that this change is forever whatever comes my way (a pretty scary idea for post-ops, coz, what if life isn't any better, especially since there is no way to go back if it turns out to be as bad or worse.   Did I make a mistake and ruined my life?)

But not all of it is gloom-and-doom.   There are lots of fun aspects to the change.

Like, have you ever thought of dressing without consequences?   Of what it's like to put on makeup, of freely going into exclusively-female places, or of doing things that you couldn't do before?   I have to say, though, that it is wonderful , but not in the way pre-transition folks imagine it to be.   After a while, it becomes normal.   Almost.   Lemme give you an example: before the change, I would never have thought that putting on a pair of pants was an event, nor was going to the men's room a big deal.   It was just a guy thing.   But, during my "honeymoon phase" immediately after the transition, when everything was still new, putting on a skirt, or wearing a form-fitting outfit was an event, and going to the ladies was like a kid going into a toy shop or a candy store (I know, I know - comparing the bathroom to a candy store... ugh... but you know what I mean).

As the novelty of all the new things fade with time, wearing dresses becomes as non-event-like as putting on pants used to be, and going to the ladies becomes just a thing that one needs to do in order to pee.

But there will always be a touch of that new-wonderfulness, even if just a little.   Some days there's more, sometimes there's less.   I find if I am in a good mood, or have had a good day, there's more of it.   But there is always some of it.   I guess one of the things that differentiates post-op tg girls like me from born girls is that I will always have that "new-wonderfulness," and, because of it, I will never take any of this for granted.

For example, wearing a feminine outfit - always a treat.   There are things, though, little things mostly - the nuances of dressing - that one learns as time goes by, that can either lessen or enhance the experience.

Things like avoiding a badly-tucked blouse, for example.   Such a small thing, really...   When I was a guy, tucking a shirt requires that the tuck be even but not necessarily neat, so one can afford a crumpled tuck. But girls should try to avoid that - a smooth line is always the rule.   So that means, your top should fit you as exactly as it can, so that there is no extra material that will crease when you tuck.   Just one of the reasons for trying on stuff before buying them.

However, tucking seems to be the trend today, and the crumpled tuck seems the thing now, but mostly for casual/semi-casual outfits only.   And there's a specific way to tuck now - tuck the shirt or blouse real well just at the pants button (for guys, that'd be at the belt-buckle area) and keep the rest of the tuck loose, even untucked a little bit.   (That's another thing that one needs to do more than guys - be hyper-aware of trends... although today's metrosexual guy is probably as fashion-aware as women...)

Still, as a rule, if a girl's not in casual, its best to have smooth lines.   For me, the easiest way to have smooth lines is to wear bodysuits   (I used to worry too much about bodysuits.   Used to be, when I needed to pee and I was wearing a bodysuit, I had to practically disassemble everything: unclip my skirt, unsnap the suit, pull down my underwear, and then, when reassembling everything afterwards, being careful my suit was straight and smooth. But I have learned that, if your skirt has some stretch to it, or is loose enough, no need to disassemble anything - just raise your skirt and pull the gusset of your underwear and/or bodysuit to the side without unbuttoning or unsnapping anything.   Hey - a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, especially when she needs to go. :)

The advantage of a smooth line is that a girl with modest curves can make her booty look great.   But, for the front - well, truth is, with today's fashions, less up top is not a problem, at least for the kinds of outfits I like, and for corporate-style outfits that I have to wear for work.

- - -

Prior to HRT, I never dressed (out of fear and shame) and, as a consequence, during RLT/RLE, when I did dress, I Iooked like a tranny with a bad fashion sense.   You know what I mean - high necklines, long sleeves, low shoes, and long & shapeless skirts in brown, paisley cetera.   I didn't have the confidence (and flamboyance) of many of my TS and gay acquaintances, nor a lot of experience like those that have been dressing for a while.   In fact I never did shuck my bad-tranny look all throughout my RLT/RLE.   But when I had to go back to work after the surgeries (I worked as a cashier at a fancy uptown restaurant for a few months - it was the only work I could find at the time), I developed a bunch of fashion "theories" in order to slough off this image of a fashion-don't.   See  
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/20137/working-girl-blog-3...

At the heart of it all, in order to be real, you have to think real.   What I mean to say is that, If you are preoccupied with trying to hide the fact, and you fill your mind with questions like "will they know" or "do I look like a guy" or "are they laughing at me," you are being a guy trying to look like a girl, and not being a girl.   A girl wouldn't worry about being found out, or looking like a guy, or if people are laughing at her.   And once you start being a girl in your head, those questions will disappear, and you will act and dress more naturally.   A girl doesn't have those concerns.   But she does have different ones, like - "does my dress make me look fat" et cetera.   So, apparently, you are just changing your old neuroses for a new set...

Okay, back to the fun part of the blog.   

- - -

So, let's talk underwear, and let's start with bras.

Maximizer bras and push-ups are sometimes the only choice to wear underneath. Outfits with low necklines, even if you have minimal boobage, is the rule. Not plunging, perhaps, but low enough. So pad it out.

But the supermodel-waif look can also work.   Look at Gwyneth Paltrow, Kiera Knightly, Kate Hudson, Selma Blair and their low-cut outfits despite their having modest assets. But I don't want to experiment with that.   I think, if you don't have the looks of a  Gwyneth Paltrow, a Kiera Knightly, a Kate Hudson, or a Selma Blair, it ain't worth the risk, and just pad it out instead.

Still, I found out from my own experience that you tend to stand out more if your wardrobe features mostly high necklines or covered-up fronts.   You'll stand out, but not in a good way.   In fact, even if you're in corporate, it's best to keep the top button (or buttons - depends on you) of your shirt undone, and if you still want to wear a covered up ruffly front or perhaps wear a ribbon or a tie, you have to match your high neckline with a short skirt.   Seems to me, if you want to cover up your chest, you have to wear something that bears your arms and shoulders, or partner it with a short skirt, or make sure your high-neckline outfit is extra-form-fitting.   It's sorta like you have to look like you aren't covering up deliberately.   My best friend Nikki showed me a style that works for me that has a low-cut neckline - try looking for a low-cut top that's form-fitting, but with a cowl neck.

Now, back to bras.

If you're wearing something plain and smooth and tight, there's really nothing for it but to wear a t-shirt bra.   I have lots in several colors so I can pick one that'll match whatever I'm wearing and it'll be as invisible as possible.   There are times, though, that an outfit looks sexier when the bra can be seen through your top in silhouette.   That trend is over ten years old, though, and I'm not sure if that particular trend's coming back, or if it already has and I just haven't become fully aware of it.   Still, I don't wanna be styling that and come off as a bit, I don't know, too desperate or attention-starved? Sigh... not the first time I've made that sort of mistake.   Thank God Moe keeps me straight about these things most of the time.

Speaking of styles coming back, when Princess Kate got married to Prince William last year, she's become the latest fashion icon, and, largely because of her, pantyhose seem to be coming in style.   At least that's what I hear - I haven't seen many women wearing it, except for my eighty-year old nonna and my aunt from Quebec, and she's as stylish as a doily...   Guess I'll start wearing them when Moe does.   That's what's great by having someone else to backstop one's fashion sense, especially if one doesn't have a fashion sense...

Now, let's talk about shoes.   High-heel shoes, specifically. Yayyy!  

Let's not get stuck talking about Christian Louboutins or Jimmy Choos, though, and let's just talk about heels in general.

Wearing heels - ahh, that part of the female arsenal that has held a lot of mystique for people like me.   But wearing them for more than six years has demystified them a lot.

For one thing, walking in heels doesn't really make girls walk sexily.   In fact, if you're new to it, you're liable to look ungainly, gawky... fumbly.   And it's all from the inherent insecurity you feel in walking on a tiny, pointy heel. Because it feels a little unsafe to step on the heel first, most girls tend to step toe first and then heel second, instead of heel first then toe second, or to walk flat-footed because of a fear of a mis-step or the heel breaking, and then falling.   What one needs is to be brave snd to step heel first and then toe second.   But the problem with this is that if you step wrongly, you'rs liable to unblalance or even break the heel altogether.   Just one of the dangers of being a girl.

You can opt to wear thick high heels, though, and it'll be (and feel) safer to do the heel-toe thing. It might look less  sexy than a stiletto, but not by much.   I think what really makes heels sexy is that they make legs look slimmer and longer, and I think that's inherently sexy.   One can have a long-and-leggy look even if the heel is chunky, although a stiletto or other slim heel can make a girl's legs look long and slim.   

Heels do not really make one walk sexy, with the bump-and-grind that Marylin Monroe had all but patented.   Heels don't really give you that.    Heels actually make girls walk more awkwardly, and it's an effort to have that slinky walk.   The technique to do it has been quoted to death but let's repeat it here just one more time:   first, you have to walk a straight line, and place the back of the heel  of one foot in front of the toe of the other foot, and then the next foot, and so on.   Thing is, you can do that with or without heels.   You can therefore be a Marylin in flats!   And you can even hyperdrive the look by moving the heel past the toe and more to the outer side of the foot, and actually walk in a kind of scissor-walk.   And when you do, watch out guys!

- - -  

'Kay, it's one AM over here and I do have to leave early tomorrow. (Moe n I are flying back home for my two weeks, and then flying back here for another four weeks   and so on.)   So I'll end here for now.

Apologies, though.   I tried to make a light-hearted blog to sorta counteract the heavy blog before, and I just end up rambling about dressing... I'm sorry to go on and on about these things. For born-girls, such things are learned gradually over the course of a lifetime.   Those like me have to learn these things real quick, and there are no crash courses available that can teach me all of this.   So I try to get info wherever I can get it, and consequently I may have gotten most of these things wrong.   But as I learn, I can't help feeling that I am getting closer to my goal, and besides, on the whole, it's fun.   The things I need to do to make my imitation life...

Of course, it's a forgone assumption that physically passing is essential.   I do not claim any special skills or beauty to pass easily myself.   I know that my ease comes not from me but from the surgeon's scalpel, so please know I am NOT putting on airs - just makin' conversation, 'kay?

Also...

To my BC friends, specifically those that chide me (in the friendliest ways possible) when I say things like I don't feel like a "real girl" et cetera - know that I am happy.   For now.   But being honest is important.   And knowing that whatever I will ever have in this world will always be a dodge of some kind, that even if my inner self is true, my physical self is less than true, at best an imitation, and that what I have  will always be less than what it could be if I was natural-born.   But what I have - my imitation life - can be good enough for me to find my place and be happy. Smile for me. 'kay?
     
     

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #36: Back home! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe n I are back home. Yayyy!

Our plane touched down about five hours ago. Dad picked us up at Dulles, as pre-arranged, with my brother-in-law to help carry and stuff. He didn't do much tho, except order the skycap around :))

Anyway, we got to the house, where ma and my sis had an enormous meal waiting. Not fancy, but always tastey. It was sorta like a mini-party. It was unusual, to say the least, that my sis and her husband were in town, and apparently they've been here since Wednesday. "House-sitting," she sez. Like I didn't know her... heeheee. Snooping, more like it. :))

Anyway, during dinner, we gave everyone their pasalubong. We gave Dad n Marvin several light summer shirts as well as some paperweights made from volcanic rock from that mountain that exploded about twenty years ago, and ma and sis got one suitcase worth of clothes as well as three pairs apiece of some nice shoes from a town called Marikina. It was worth it to see my sister's jaw drop, heehee, but I told em this was a one-time thing.

We got out one of the packages of chocolate we bought. It's called "Tablea" and it comes in a tube of little round chocolate balls the size of golf balls, and what you do is you take three or four of these golf balls and drop em in boiling water, wait a while, and voila! Instant, delicious hot chocolate from Manila! Went real well with the spaghetti and toasted italian bread ma cooked up.

Anyway, we told some stories (actually, it was mostly Moe), showed some pictures and that was it. My sister and brother-in-law went with my folks to their house (over our protests), but they insisted so we could rest up.

Anyway, we're in the big bed, Moe's snoring, and I'm typing this up, still wide awake (it's still 8am in my head).

Guess I'll putter around the house a while, get used to things again, and try and get sleepy.

It's good to be home!
     
     

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #37: Back in Manila To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe n I arrived in Manila this morning - about 6AM Sunday (or 6PM Saturday EST).   Another four weeks here in sunny Manila.

Anyway, we arrived with minimum baggage again (so there'll be room for more new stuff), so we got through all the customs stuff et cetera fairly quickly.   Stil, after our driver picked us up at the airport, we got to our house at about ten.   We ordered some take-out food from a place call Chow King (cute name, huh?).   Orange chicken, fried rolls, chicken noodle soup and chinese fried rice.   It wasn't the best meal (sorta like a chinese TV dinner), but we weren't picky.   We then went to bed for a nap.

It's about three in the afternoon.   Moe's still sleeping, but I should wake her up in a few hours so we can clean up, tidy up the house a bit, and be ready when Manny comes by with  Tintin, and we can go out for dinner.

It's Palm Sunday (as most Catholics and hardcore Christians know), which is the first day of Holy Week (I guess I'll miss the service today, maybe I'll go to church tomorrow), so it's almost guaranteed that there'll be a lot of people out.

Tintin texted we're going to an itslian-type place called Balducci's and it's supposed to be good, but no need to get all dressed up.   It' not really fine dining like I know it, but that's ok, so long as the food's tasty.

It's pretty bright and warm here, as usual.   Wish it was like this at home all the time.   And since I heard most of Holy Week is a holiday here, it's Beach Time!   (The office doesn't need to know heehee.)   Gotta ask Tintin where to get swim suits and stuff.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #38:  Holiday Blues (1 of 3): The Pew Mafia To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's Maundy Thursday today here in Manila, the Thursday before Easter, and it's almost 11PM as I sit in front of the computer typing all this.

I attended church services earlier this afternoon.   Pretty lonely, though - I was in a foreign country surrounded by strangers.   Not as bad as it could have been, really, as everyone knew how to speak English, and the mass I attended was in English.   But I won't bore you with a lot of stuff only familiar to Catholics, except to say it's a holiday here, as well as tomorrow (I knew being Catholic would pay off someday heehee.   Four-day weekend! Whee!).

Manila feels like a ghost town.   Most days, it's like wall-to-wall cars and buses.   Now... well, the city must be lighter by several megatons.   Manny drove me around the city tonight, with no specific destination, and I saw the city in a different way.  

Most places were empty and there were precious few places that were open for business.   Stupid me, I thought it was an opportunity to shop some more.   The city, actually the whole of Metro Manila seems denuded of people. Manila and the surrounding towns and cities are collectively called Metro Manila - a huge commercial, residential, business, cultural and manufacturing mega-hub that houses fifteen percent of the people in the twelfth most populous country in the world.   And with maybe eighty percent of its residents currently out of town visiting relatives in the provinces or taking vacations outside of the country, it really is a ghost town in many ways.   

So, no wonder I feel lonely and out-of-place.

In church today, I felt a lot of attention being given me by many of the parishioners. I suppose because I look a little different from the locals and that I seemed to be overdressed for church.   (Seems I've been getting a lot of that, including yesterday, but I'll reserve that funny story for a little later).   My driver-guard, Manny, didn't help much. Although he was trying to be unobtrusive, he was clearly my bodyguard. And it's hard to not be imposing if you're a big 6'4" guy in a country whose population is predominantly in the 5'5" range. It's hard not to be noticed with him around.

No one bothered me, and most were friendly.   but many of the people in the front pews, especially the women, were a little... stand-offish.   Actually, I thought they were snooty. Most of the people there, all pretty well-dressed, didn't seem to want me there and I sorta felt like they were crowding me out.   Was this how visitors were treated?

Anyway, after being overly jostled and bumped, I whispered to Manny if we could find another pew to sit in.   Manny stood, spotted a bench near the middle that wasn't too crowded, and escorted me there.   I had this suspicion that the front-pew mafia didn't like it that I left, but then was I supposed to stay and be crowded out?   I guess I was missing some cues, which is par for the course in a foreign country.   

But when they realized that Manny was my guard, they sorta did a double-take.   (Manny later said that they probably thought I was some celebrity or a person of some importance since I was relatively well-dressed, looked a bit caucasian/European, spoke English well and had a personal bodyguard.)

Anyway, in our new spot, I felt more out of my element, and even more overdressed as I stayed in the "economy section."   But the people were loads friendlier, especially the teenage kids.   I said hello and they greeted me as well. A gentleman to my right, with his family beside him, handed me a missalette so I could follow the service, and we had a little bit of chit-chat (where was I from and how did I like the weather and like that) as we waited for the service to start.   So... Is this how visitors are treated here?

A kid from "first class" came over, ignored the man and his family, and invited me to their pew (as if he wasn't just crowding me out of there a few moments ago).   I politely said no, thank you, I didn't want to sit with them.   He didn't want to take no for an answer and insisted loudly until Manny stood up, stood against him, his chest against the kid's nose, and quietly said to stop bothering us.   He slunk off, and a few minutes later, the service started.

I guess I really didn't understand it.

The service was longer than a usual one, with lots of other stuff just for today, that are probably not familiar to you, and I won't explain them now and risk boring you.

After the service and the other stuff, I did my praying there so I wouldn't need to do the traditional church visits (Again, I will skip explaining that as well).   Anyway, after I finished, the pew mafia was there, surrounding me. They offered to take me to dinner, to apologize.   And they didn't even know me.   I smiled sweetly, thanked them but I said I didn't want to.   I then walked outside.   Manny hammed it up a bit and blocked them from following.

I walked to our car, waited for Manny, and we got in together.   I asked him to drive by the front entrance, and we saw the nice family who sat with me.   When we pulled up, I went to the father, said thanks, wished them well, and gave him a couple of thousand pesos, telling him to take them to dinner on me.   It wasn't much really, and I had my per diem.

People were people, anywhere you go, and everyone's essentially the same, everyone's got the same hassles.   It's just that the economy magnifies things.   Who was rich andwho was poor always made a difference.   But in a poor country, the differences are magnified, even up to something as petty as preferred seats in church.   Quarrels about territoriality, social classes... Pretty familiar.   Just a little more exaggerated here and in a different form, that's all.

Anyway, after my ride around Ghost-Town, we bought MoeMoe a takeout large thin crust pizza from Shakeys (yep, Shakeys. I thnk I need to tell Ma), and Fish and Chips for me.

Somehow, I don't feel so out-of-place now.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #39: Holiday Blues (2 of 3): Mall Insecurity To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Wednesday was a regular workday here in Manila, but it was the day before the start of a four-day weekend. Most everyone wanted to go home to their hometowns, so there's usually a massive exodus of people from Metro Manila going towards various other places in the country.

Thing is, leaving Manila is hard to do when everyone else is trying to do the same thing.   After all, Metro Manila is home to 15% of the country's population.   Tintin says bus stations become like madhouses, the roads to the airport become clogged and the piers become full of anxious passengers waiting for rides.

So most people therefore take the Wednesday off so they'll be sure to get to their appointed places at the appointed times. Most employers expect this and therefore make it easy for most by canceling work for the afternoon.

I didn't know this beforehand, of course, so I found it weird that the office was mostly deserted.

But after Tintin explained things, and I found out that the office was running on virtually a skeleton crew, I became worried about productivity falloff.   But everything was cool.   Everyone who could filed for leaves but our call center operation wasn't affected (the duty people had juggled their assignments and swapped leave days, all on their own), and our office staff had worked out their schedules appropriately.

So, feeling like I was Ebenezer Scrooge (or maybe Ebenezerette), I told everyone that didn't have business-critical activities to do to take the afternoon off, and that I will see them on Monday. And wonder of wonders, that applied to me, as well.

I called Moe and got our driver to bring us, Tintin and her assistant out to have late lunch and do some window-shopping.

We seemed to be dressed a bit out of step with everyone as we had lunch at a largely-empty restaurant that Tintin says is never this empty.   Anyway, we made a noisy group as we enjoyed lunch.   Afterwards, we walked to a nearby mall, much to the consternation of my guard.   Anyway, we were accumulating a bunch of kids that were following us.   

South Korean TV soaps are big here in the Philippines, except they call them Telenovelas. And there's a growing community of Koreans in Manila as well. Korean stars are celebrities here.   Anyway, it seems the kids thought Moe was some Korean starlet named Sandara Park, and were following us around.

Sandara Park used to be big in Manila after winning some contest, although she left for Korea using her popularity to kickstart her career there.   I've googled her picture and Moe and her do not even remotely look the same.   I guess, since Moe is an oriental, the kids assumed. (I apologize to those who might take offense at the term.   I'm referring to people with Chinese-Japanese-Korean features.   I would have said Mongoloid as that's what science calls these features, but that may have had more racial overtones if I did.   I mean no offense - my love is "oriental" as well - she's Japanese - and I think she's beautiful.)

Anyway, having a big bodyguard around, I guess it's understandable for them to make the connection, And I guess I got a bit of that celebrity "spillover" as well because I was with her so they thought I was a celebrity, too lol.   But I guess that makes Tintin "our people." (Sorry, Tintin! heehee)

Anyway, I got so carried away with it and got real involved in our talking that I jumped and shrieked when someone patted me on my butt.   (I'm afraid I may have flashed some people.)   We had reached the mall entrance and there was a security guard patting down people.   Seems, with a lot of people out and about for the holidays, most mall and store operators hire extra mall security to do pat-downs and things like that.

Anyway, the mall guard was patting me down and running a wand over me, and it was my fault for not paying attention.   Anyway, my shriek must have been heard for miles.   

Still, no harm done - everyone had a friendly laugh at my expense, and I was embarrassed but just a little bit - it was okay.   I suppose it makes for a funny little story, and I do see the humor in it,

Being in a different country can make you homesick for the familiarity of home, and of things you know, and your pigeonholed place in the fabric of things, even a post-op m-t-f tg girl.   But sometimes, mired in the familiarity of home, you want to start fresh, get to start over but this time do things right.

But that can be scary, too.   It's like you don't know the rules.   Sure, you can start over, but it means starting over from scratch.   No rules.   Not knowing who you are or how to behave.   And therefore it's like you're alone. Starting over is scary.

so you fill the unfamiliar with familiar things - safe people, safe things.   And sometimes it takes a little "boo!" to shock you out of complacency.

Exploring can be an adventure.   But an exploration adventure is inherently dangerous.   It's a matter of degree, of course.   It's not like exploring the amazon.   It's just workin' abroad for goodness' sake.

Sorry - seems I'm in a fey mood.   Apologies.  

Anyway, talk to you guys later,   Bought some beach outfits Wednesday. Goin' to the beach later in the afternoon. Yayyy!
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #40: Holiday Blues (3 of 3): Poolside Musings To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

The stereotypical image we have of summer (and it's most definitely summer here - ninety degrees, can you believe it?) is a sumer spent mostly at the beach.   But some girls - girls like me - don't look at time at the beach as a stereotypical summer - lying in the sun, lounging around and working on their tans.   But, being "a stranger in a strange land," I felt anonymous enough that I thought I could do some of that without any of the consequences.   We planned on going to the beach this afternoon.

But we didn't really have an opportunity to spend time at the beach - the highways were too full of holiday commuters, and besides the beaches were too far.   So we just went to a pool in one of the hotels.   Not exactly a beach but at least it wasn't crowded, and we were in the sun and near water.

I didn't get to practice swimming - still not good at it - so I stayed in the kiddie side of the pool.   Moe ranged over most of the length of the pool, though, showing off.   I'll be able to do that eventually.   I hope.

I'm gettin' pretty brown.   I'm way past tan lines now, and since my ma is from South Italy, I guess I tan pretty good.   I was worried that if I tan too much, my plastic surgery incisions will become obvious.   Thank goodness they didn't.   My surgeon was right.   Anyway, like I said, I'm way past tan lines now.   My one-piece was incredibly white on me. Good thing Moe likes me this way.

But it wasn't all fun.   I mentioned in the previous blog, when you're in a strange place, you tend to fill the unfamiliar with familiar things - with safe people and safe things. And I guess that's what I'm doing.   Coz I actually miss home a little bit.

Holidays can be pretty lonely, but it's always good to look at what you have, and do things to keep busy,   I'm doin' okay, I got my Moe, and I am enjoying my stay here as much as anyone can when one is away from home.

It was pretty much okay today.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #41: Easter Sunday To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter from sunny Manila.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #42: Easter Backyard Picnic To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am a second-generation Italian-American (well, one-half of me is), and I am sure that those of you who have Italian roots and celebrate Easter in the traditional way, you'll know that the big deal thing is (aside from the morning High Mass) is lunch.   Lasagna, hard-boiled eggs and green salad with asparagus (or salads with tuna), and then roast beef and lamb and roast potatoes, and for dessert - sweet Easter bread and chocolate eggs, and then ending with an espresso or a nice cappucino.

But, of course, none of that for me this time as I'm not at home. Darn...

It's no big deal for MoeMoe coz Easter isn't really celebrated in Japan, except when they share chocolate or candy bunnies (anything involving bunnies are always popular in Japan).

Anyway, since Tintin and her sister were unable to go home to their folks (they are from a town in Palawan (that's somewhere in the southern part of the country, I think), we had decided to get together and have an impromptu backyard picnic at our house.   So, after high mass, Moe, Manny and I went and bought lasagna, bread, cheese, little chocolate eggs wrapped in foil, and a couple kilos of beef.

By eleven, we were home, and Moe did her magic with the veggies and made a nice asparagus-spinach-cabbage salad with sliced hard-boiled eggs and (unfortunately) store-bought vinaigrette.   She also boiled up a bunch more eggs and shelled them when they were done.

I sliced up the beef thinly and soaked them in ma's special marinade, but since it wouldn't have enough time to soak, I made a thicker version of the marinade that I can trowel on to the beef as it cooks on the grill (just so you know, it's a thick gunk made of A1 sauce with brown sugar, pineapple juice and salt-and-pepper).   I also brought out some hot dogs and sausages I found in the freezer which should cook quickly and tide us over while the beef cooks.

In the end, there were six of us that enjoyed lunch in our little back yard, and we listened to some mellow music from the radio as we enjoyed coffee - Tintin's boyfriend showed us how to make Irish coffee with cheap supermarket gin and evaporated milk.   Not to be outdone, I served cappucino using instant coffee and Milo.

Everyone was in warm weather clothes, but since Moe and I were cooking, she was in a tanktop and I was in a tube and shorts (otherwise we would have melted).   Tintin's boyfriend and his buddy couldn't stop their eyes from wandering, though, and got multiple shots in the shins - couldn't blame them, being surrounded by four girls in abbreviated summer outfits and all.   (Just exaggerating! They were actually perfect gentlemen.)

Anyway, at least we got to have a "proper" Easter lunch.   

It's about 11:30PM Sunday, almost midnight.   Moe's gone to bed, pooped, but I'm staying up til about one AM so I can make a skype call to ma and dad during Easter lunch.

From all of us here to all of you there, hope you have a happy and meaningful Easter!
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #43: Me? Jealous? Nahhh... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

We had a late business lunch with this movie/TV personality & print model yesterday, at a very, very upscale (not to mention expensive) out-of-the-way little restaurant in one of the five-star hotels in the main business district.   She was a very sweet and friendly girl, and had a big fund of funny stories to tell and had most of us giggling and laughing, much to the consternation of her personal assistant, since we were starting to bother the nearby tables.

But what really got us to pay attention was that she was drop-dead gorgeous. As in REALLY drop-dead gorgeous.

Was I jealous? Nahhh...

I guess it's my girl's fault that we had the meeting: Tintin suggested a simultaneous recruitment and PR TV-print campaign, and it involved hiring local TV and print talent.   She sold me on the idea and I had it vetted by the home office's marketing people.   They beefed up her plan a whole lot, adding lots of details, essentially "professionalizing" her outline and changing it into a full-blown marketing program (they sent back a one-inch-thick ring binder... grrr) and suggested getting a locally-based PR company to execute it.   I tentatively approved it, but agreed to push it on our own first as far we could, until we had to commit real funding, and to see if we wanted to really do it when we reached that point.

So, to start the ball rolling, since she knew some people in one of the major TV networks here, Tintin started some "infomal" inquiries.   One of the results of this was this little tete-a-tete.

After doing all I can to be physically female, and learning all I can to live as a female, I thought I did good (though I only really felt... "real" a little over a year ago - about the end of 2010), but when I get to meet people like this girl, and naturally end up comparing myself to them, it makes me question things - if I really am doing good, or I'm just deluding myself.

Actually, the girl, empirically speaking (nice nerdyword, huh?), doesn't fit the stereotype of the beautiful girl.   Slim curves gone to thinness, extremely modest boobies, and though she had a pretty face, she wasn't beautiful.   Empirically speaking, that is.

But to hear her, and to talk to her in the flesh, she was indubitably female, and attractive to the nth degree.   Everyone couldn't take their eyes off her.

I guess I wasn't as friendly as I could have been. and I tried to find out why.   I don't know how it is for real girls, but I guess I reacted to her like she was a rival (I guess I need to go meow or something now heehee). I don't know why, though, since we weren't competing for the attention of some guy. And, as I said, she was a sweet girl, friendly, sincere and funny (except that she talked about her dad a lot... I wonder why)

Back at our place later, I tried to puzzle it out.   I suppose I was jealous of the fact that she was getting people's attention. Being made much of as The Boss here, plus the natural attention that foreign females get here, has made me (forgive the word) cocky, so perhaps I was expecting to be the center of attention as usual... I highly doubt it, though - I am egotistic, yes (lol), but not that egotistic.

I think it's more likely that I resented her for her perfection, that it was so effortless and so effective, and so all-encompassing, despite not being stereotypically physically beautiful. (And I am not saying she isn't pretty - she is. Very. Just not beautiful... sorry if I am expressing myself badly, but I think you know what I mean.)

I wish I could get that easy manner, and that natural, unaffected femaleness that I suppose "made-girls" like me have to work hard at.   And why was I so affected this time, as opposed to other times when I met gorgeous women before?   What was different?   Thinking it through, I guess the difference now was that I really do accept that I'm female now, and I suppose I consider myself in play now, as in, I'm also in the running along with all the other women, deserving or not.

I guess I was more envious than jealous, and I had to think that over, as in what really is the difference between envy and jealousy anyway?   Ah, well.   It doesn't matter, really.

Last night, Moe said it was useless to be envious. It's only natural that she'd be gorgeous - she is a TV celebrity and model after all.   If I were that gorgeous, I'd probably be on TV, too.

That, of course, deserved a pillow throw.   Too bad Moe dodged it lol.

(BTW, the banner picture of Toni Gonzaga is a publicly-accessible picture of her on the internet, from a Belo billboard ad - no i.p. or copyright infringement is intended.   Also, the girl in the blog is not Toni, 'kay?   Toni has no connection with her, except that Toni's a Filipina as well, is a TV celebrity too, and is super-pretty, too.)
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #44: Flying Around To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

To anyone who's read my random conglomerations of words here before, they probably know I've been shuttling back and forth on planes between work assignments for some time now.   Used to be there was novelty in flying. Now, its pretty much like going on a long trip in a bus.   And the airport inspections in DC? Grrr...  

Anyway, Moe n I are flying home tomorrow morning for our scheduled two weeks.   It'll be good to go home of course, but I all I can think about right now is the hassle of it all.   I've done this so often now, I sometimes think I can do this without the airplane anymore...

Used to be, I would have done anything to get to this point in my life. And I practically did. Never would I have thought that my next big concern would be such picayune things as the troubles that a run-of-the-mill plane traveler worry about - nothing as life-shaking as thinking of the future, of being accepted, of being outed and ostracized, of being hurt, betrayed or the dozens and dozens of thoughts and worries that people like us usually allow to fill our waking moments.

Right now, it's just about missing our flight, losing our luggage, getting lost, security. The worst worry is about our plane crashing. Do things often enough and even the most unique or special thing can become humdrum. Things can change for the better or the worse. But there is the middle road - when things become humdrum... even for transpeople. At least things aren't changing for the worse.

We're flying again... yayyy... or maybe I should say ho-hum...

Seeya later.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #45:  Reunited with my Sweater, or Whatinheck's Wrong with the Weather!?! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe and I are back home and found our house to have been meticulously cleaned as only my ma is capable of.   Kitchen, living room, bathrooms all spic n span, and bed clothes nice n crisp n clean (I know ma did the wash coz the sheets smell faintly of Huggies), front n back yards clean and well raked (probably Dad) and a note on the living room table saying that two of the microwavable "Friends" mugs got broken (Aha! That's my sister!).

Anyway, the at-home feeling came back slowly and we settled in.   But what didn't come back was how the weather felt.   Egads, it's cold!!

So Moe n I broke out a couple of our long-unused sweaters, and made plans to pick a nice n wooly sweater ensemble for work the following day.   But why was it so friggin cold all of a sudden?   I checked the thermometer. It was a nice eighty degrees. Eh?

It's obviously a case of acclimitization.   Maybe after a few days, we'll start feeling more at home.

Anyway, going to the office, I tried to avoid looking like I was bundling up, and though I wore a sweater dress, I decided to just wear opaque tights (they were 100-denier leggings though - almost as good as thermal tights).

I made my rounds at the office, distributing some souvenirs to a few of the girls (it was becoming a tradition with me) - nothing expensive, keychains and little pieces of costume jewelry that, though they looked exotic and expensive, they were each ridiculously cheap (but I won't tell them that, of course heehee).   I also saw a couple of new faces (temps, Sammi said).

Anyway, everyone appeared to be glad to see me back, and I eventually got caught up in the daily nonsense of officework.

My tan seemed to be such a novelty with everyone, and they all said I looked great.   I pshawed the compliments (though inside I was preening like a little kid) and told them some stories over lunch of how it was over there.

As I got caught up in the day, I couldn't help but feel how everything was so... off.   Everything was so big, everyone seemed so tall (and me so small), the light a touch dimmer, and everyone seemed to be moving a little slow.   I couldn't help notice how, well, bundled up everyone was, and then realized that it wasn't them but it was me.  And everyone was so... well, pastey (no offense, of course).

In a way, it was like I was on a different planet, like I was on some planet full of big, pastey-looking aliens bundled up in bulky sweaters et cetera, and all smelling faintly of... antiseptic.   But I shifted my paradigm and realized that I was actually the "alien" among them, using the parallelism.

I didn't like it.   Not at all.

I realized, in some remote way, that I was indeed the odd-one-out, and I didn't like that.   Fighting a lifetime of stereotyping and being pigeonholed as the weird one - I didn't like it.   Being made the exception was something I have always wanted to escape.

But then everyone came over to say hi, even those I wasn't close to found some pretense to come visit me over some form, report or other. And they all commented on my tan, about me looking so great and so well-toned, to say thanks for the little trinket I gave, or whatever.

Then I realized, being given attention for being different can be either a bad thing or a good thing (as in this case).   As most of us here are wont to do, we tend to automatically look for the bad or negative, for whatever reason, and it takes a while for the good things to percolate through our brains and realize that, hey, it's pretty okay here, after all.   And as I mulled that little epiphany over, I thought, hey, perhaps everything is all in how you view things.   Hmmm... Gives a deeper dimension to looking at the world, doesn't it, and what the future holds for you.

I spent a little time googling some quotes that seem apropos:

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."   (William Shakespeare)   "Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."   (William Jennings Bryan) "If you do not create your destiny, you will have your fate inflicted upon you." (William Irwin Thompson)

I think it's stupid to not see the sunnier side, or if not apparent, to search it out.   It might be difficult to see the greener grass on the other side of the street, but it only takes some effort, some practice, and then one will always find it.   I think Jack Welch said something which best says what I want to say: "Control your own destiny or someone else will."   Meaning to say, hey, if you want to feel down, well it's your own darn fault.   Don't wait for it to be given. Take the reins of your life and go out and find it.   Attitude is key.   Be a Debbie Downer if you want.   Me, I don't want to be.

It took me a while for my pov to adjust, but eventually, I got used to things.   Again.

And to think this was all brought on by my being reunited with my sweater...

Still... it's sooo cooold!!!
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #46:  The Upside to Mental Problems, or At Least I'm Still a Size Zero To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I spent Friday evening and the whole day Saturday in the hospital for a checkup. Just a checkup, no big deal.   My therapist thought it a good idea for me to have the checkup, and I did.   And since the set of tests to be done was just a hop, skip and a jump from those required for a full-blown complete physical, I agreed to the extra tests, x-rays and whatnot and made it a full physical - at least the kind of tests that my company's insurance carrier requires for a "full physical."   That means I doan pay nuthin'!   :-)   It's all on the company's bill, and it satisfies the yearly checkup requirement.

The results came Monday (the hospital apparently doesn't process test results on weekends), and then the squad of doctors that my therapist required did their thing and interpreted the results and typed up their findings, and we got everything Tuesday, which we brought to my therapist for her further perusal.

Anyways, my less-than-perfect bod was mostly okay.

There were some things that confirmed some major concerns of my therapist, but we are figuring out how to manage that, and to eventually "cure" me. But we are keeping it within the family for the moment, otherwise it might affect my standing at my  work.   She will consult with the medical care provider so everything's square. Nothig really wrong aside from low blood pressure, low bmr, bmi and fat percentage, and some vitamin n mineral deficiencies.

The blood tests, weigh-in, the urine n poop samples (yuuuck), and the mri,   x-ray and other scans were pretty much what I expected, but there were some other tests that I never had before.   Whoever heard of your hair and fingernails being tested, or your wrist and ankle being measured, or getting your butt and tummy pinched with gigantic calipers that looked like lobster tongs, or the color of the inside of your eyelid being looked at? But, hey, what did I know? Besides, none of them hurt. Thank goodness all of it was done quickly and one after the other.   I was out Saturday evening.

There are times when you feel pretty good, and you are liable to let small things pass, but when you are lucky enough to have an observant professional looking out for you, or a concerned spouse keeping your welfare in mind, things can be caught.   Small things - low weight,  feeling weak and tired often, especially at the end of the day, insomnia, unsociability, feeling cold often even when the temperature outside isn't particularly cold, dry skin, dehydration   even trouble pooping (eww), et cetera. All indicative of my "condition."   And, of course, the eating thing, but that is the problem, isn't it?   

Still, one needs to put a positive spin on things.   Not that I'm avoidiing this, coz it's a big deal, but one can't stop the world and start obsessing about the negative things like this.   Nope, I am not avoiding it.   Besides, Moe won't let me forget it or get away with it anymore lol.

When one's troubling habits are brought out tothe surface so that one cannot hide them anymore, and one has to face up to them - that's the beginning of healing.   I apparently need some kind of paradigm shift, as my therapist calls it, and perhaps try and understand where this is coming from.   Family Relationship problems, maybe? Body image problems? Gosh, I thought this kind of thing only happens to preppy teenage girls. Like OMG. Totally. (lol)

I'm still not totally sold on my therapist's conclusions, but more than eight years has taught me to trust her, if nothing else. So I will just trust her and go along with her for now, although I feel like a kid being watched over all the time, and being checked to see if I finished all my veggies.   Daily skype calls (so even while I'm in Manila, I can update her) et cetera. She even set me up with weekly sessions with a psychiatrist friend of hers who's based in Manila, and got Moe to agree to have breakfast, lunch n dinner with me as often as she can.   Like, OMG! Overkill much? Totally...

On the plus side, though, I think I look pretty good, and I am still a size zero. Lol

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #47: My Thirty-First Birthday and Still Counting, or  "My bathroom scale is now my new best friend" To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Some folks here know that it's my birthday today (or rather, tomorrow if you're back home since Manila is like twelve hours ahead).   Yep, thirty-one years on the planet.   Happy-sad actually, coz I currently have some problems, but that is something I have to work out for myself, and I won't lay my troubles on you, dear blog-reader.   I think I'll stick to the happy part of the happy-sad equation.

There was the usual hoopla in the office, and I got some small gifts.

One of the highlights of it all was a biiig three-feet-by-four-feet birthday card signed by all eighty-plus employees in the office.   It had one of those things that, when you opened the card, an electronic version of The Happy Birthday Song would play.   Sure, it's an old, tired and tacky gimmick, but still cute, and I appreciated it a heck of a lot, even though (the cynical part of my brain said) most of em were just brown-nosing.

Another one was the gift my driver-slash-bodyguard gave me after he dropped Moe and I home earlier tonight - three bright-colored necklaces threaded around each other that Manny's wife made just for me, with a small siver tag, smaller than a dime, hooked onto them, with a personal birthday message engraved on it (I hope you don't mind if I don't share it) from Manny and his wife. I was very touched.

Thanks to Tintin, to celebrate, there were several banoffee pies in the break room, enough that everyone would at least get a little slice. We kept the pies for the 10pm-6am evening shift in the two fridges in the break room for them to munch on later, while everyone else had a nice afternoon snack.   For me, I had a biiig slice.   Banoffee pies (or are they cakes? I never was sure) are my newest favorite dessert.   They make a reeeally scrumptious version in the Starbucks near the office, but Tintin got these pies from a place called Banapple, and they were even better.

I guess the pie put me above my minimum calorie count for the day, and Moe and my therapist will be happy to know that, I'm sure.   Here's another piece of good news - I am now just a hair above the magic number of 100 pounds!   Having put on these many pounds in a month is incredible (in my humble opinion only, of course. Heehee) and it's all thanks to Drill-Sergeant-Moe and my therapist... grrr...

Another upside is that I can still fit into most of my clothes despite the extra poundage, although a lot more more snugly.   According to Moe, tho, my stuff now fits me like a second skin, which Moe likeee a lot :)   I, in fact, have learned a few new Japanese words, coz Moe keeps on using them: sekushi-na, sekushidesu and kawaii.   (I won't translate them anymore)

I am also proud to say I am now a full-fledged B-cup instead of a "smallish B."   Well... actually just barely.   Gaining weight apparently means gaining weight in the boobies, too.   Coolness.

All I have to do now for the next six months, aside from keeping my weight a pound or two near 100, is to keep my weight steady.   Apparently, a fluctuating weight is as bad as no weight gain since it's (one) unhealthy, and (two) it just means I am not yet "stable" and I am not "exhibiting the proper change in lifestyle," as my therapist would quote from the latest APA-approved text.   Anyway, Moe will keep me in line, I'm sure. *sigh*

    Moe n I are not going out  tonight and just staying in, but we have a whole day of frivolity scheduled for tomorrow.   In the meantime, I have the bouquet of summer blooms she gave me to tide me over til then. :)

Anyway, I will be calling Ma and Dad later.   Funny that it's not them calling, but since I get to charge my celphone bills to the company, I have therefore been ordered by Brigadier General Dad (and Ma) to call them so I may receive my Happy Birthday on schedule, and thereby be put on notice that my parental units do indeed love me... Sir, yes sir!!! :))

I have been relatively quiet in the site for the past few weeks. I guess I am just not too keen on blogging, what with all this... stuff to deal with, plus all the frustrating, mauldin regular office nonsense that I am   sure you wouldn't really want to hear about.   But I am trying to put a deliberately positive spin on things, as you see lol.   When it gets a bit much, I just go to the office building's rooftop (my own patented way of gettin some alone time at the office, as you know), relax, take off my shoes and try to forget about my problems for a while. And afterwards, I would usually be good to go.   No negative thoughts! Especially today. Nosiree, Bob!

    Anyway. I am thirty-one years old today!   Yayyy!

To read my old Working Girl Blogs, click this link - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs To read all of my blogs, click this link - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c To read my stories in BCTS, click this link - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot To see my profile and know more about me, click this link - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/user/bobbie-c     note: pictures used are publicly-accessible pictures from the net - no i.p. or copyright infringement is intended

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #48: Saying goodbye: Life lessons from a dead friend To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I knew someone - someone from work who I thought of as a friend, but she probably didn't.   She was a pretty brunette, very popular, super smart, outgoing, lots of friends and very ambitious (but in the good sense of the word).  I didn't know her too well, really, and despite having met her face-to-face just a few times, I liked her a lot, and I thought of her as a friend, like I said.   I just hope that she remembered me in the same way, although I think that was a futile hope, given how many people she knew.

I met her face-to-face January last year over in Singapore (she loved to travel). She was staying in some fancy hotel (the fancy-shmancy Marina Bay Sands, I think) while the company booked me in a cheaper (much, much cheaper lol) hotel called Costa Sands, in Sentosa.

She was tall for a girl, and very pretty, very popular and super-smart like I said, and I was therefore very, very intimidated by her.   She  and MoeMoe hit it off almost from the start, however.   The few days that we got to hang out with her and her friends were lots of fun.   They even went swimming in the infinity pool in Marina Bay despite the fact it was January. Moe went but I had meetings, so I didn't go (though to be truthful, I didn't want to go anyway, because I was too shy to go swimming in public in a suit).

She lived in a really fancy apartment in Manhattan, was an avowed expert in advertising trends, and did a lot of work for the Atlanta people. Last I heard, she was in the middle of a big project.

What happened to her got me thinking, and the thing I kept on thinking was that, if I had to pick someone I wanted to be like - it was her.   How could I not, right?   If being self-actualized, outgoing, popular, and successful were the goals, she was the person to be.

And that I was gonna miss her.

About three days ago, people found the body of my friend. She had aparently jumped from her apartment. I was told she was in the news, though I'm sure only in the local news (you might have caught it if you lived in the New York area) but being overseas, plus not being from NewYork, I didn't. I found out about it from my old assistant Sammi, and she emailed the inter-office bulletin about it (as my assistant-but-soon-to-be-ex-assistant. Sammi's pushing through with her retirement this December since my old branch is being closed).   Police are saying it was suicide, but I couldn't believe such a girl with a wonderful-seeming life and a bright future woud commit suicide, but no foul play is suspected (although the case was still under investigation).

With my own unsuccessful attempt at suicide, I know my reasons why I did it, and my reasons were apparent and easily understandable, I think, if viewed by others. But my friend?

I can think of some things that can drive a girl to suicide: job pressure, perhaps? Family trouble? Financial reasons? A failed relationship, maybe? Drugs? So many reasons.   It is all a matter of perspective, I think.   But, as someone from the outside looking at her, all I saw was a pretty girl with lots of friends, a successful career, et cetera.   If I had what she had, I think I could weather any kind of trouble that comes my way, especially if I didn't have my gender problems.

Like I said, it is all a matter of perspective, I think: certain things, both good and bad things, define us - for example, a fashion model finds definition and fulfillment in her looks; a rich man finds it in his wealth and power; a social worker finds it in her ability to make life easier for others; a doctor finds it in his ability to heal.   And on the negative side: a junkie defines his life between fixes; a gambler defines his life as how well he can pay off hIs gambling debts; a hooker defines her life by how many Johns she can do in a night.

And for those of us here, many of us define our life around our transgender issues.   I know I did.   But is that right?

Thinking about my friend, since I do not know the kind of life pressures that brought her to the point where she felt compelled to commit suicide, I cannot comment. But if I knew her intentions, I'd probably tell her the reasons why she shouldn't. I will tell her all that she had going for her, which is substantial.   And that, surely, among all the dozens and dozens and dozens of friends that she had, surely one of them would have been someone she could have turned to for whatever kind of emotiomal support she needed.

In my short life, I have learned a handful of life lessons - truisims that have helped me in making my way through the world (not that I have gone through much compared to most).   Four of them are: do nor be afraid to ask for help; allow yourself to consider others' points of view and others' ideas; be willing to admit you can be wrong, and; be grateful, and give value to, what you have.

I apologize for the third-grade sensibility of these "life lessons," but life lessons, I find, are lessons easily expressed but the hardest to understand and learn.   Like, if my friend really did give value to what she had, I doubt if she would have done what she did.

I suppose that most of us here, whose lives have been defined by our gender problems, were to apply these "third-grade" lessons to ourselves, we might find our gender problems being relegated to something that will NOT define us anymore, and therefore allow us to live life DESPITE them.

I am trying my darndest to apply these to myself, really I am - and I think I am all the better for it.

To my friend who has decided to pass on - good luck to you, girl. I'm sorry you decided to leave. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for wherever you are.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #49: Sandy Come A-Knocking To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am from DC, as many know, and I cannot help but be worried about the superstorm coming to hit the east coast. My ma and dad have buttoned down their house and are ready to ride out the hurricane.   Dad also secured my house in Maryland, so it's as safe as it can be. I hope all of you have prepared in like manner.

Moe and I are safe all the way here in Manila, but the reason I am posting this blog is so that we can wish all of our friends there in the east coast to be safe, and to weather the hurricane (pun intended) and come out on the other side safe n sound. Good luck, be safe, follow the warnings, and don't do anything stupid.

See ya all later!

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #50: Makeup 101, Ala-Bobbie To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

There was a blog-question relating to makeup recently, and I wanted to respond, but as I was writing it, I noticed how long my comment was turning out to be, and how involved I got, so I decided to write a new blog altogether.

The blog started with a question, why does one need to wash one's face before putting on makeup.

Well, IMHO...

You clean your face at the start coz you need a clean slate. Makeup isn't like paint - it's not permanent so it gets smudged and ruined at the slightest thing. It is ruined by sweat, the ambient temperature, outside environmental conditions, the natural oils that come out of your face (skin covered with makeup manufacture more oils - it's the body's way of getting rid of the makeup), and by regular activities as well: just try getting through the day and see if you can keep your hands off your face, even if fleetingly (like rubbing an itchy eye coz the lashes are covered by mascara, or blowing your nose, or scratching an itch, or rubbing your temples because you're tired or frustrated, et cetera). And since it's mostly powders, it's not like you can repair sections of your makeup like you would repair the paint job of your car. And besides, getting rid of the makeup the moment you don't need it is the hygienic thing to do, to stop your face from breaking out in acne/pimples, blackheads, et cetera. Plus, you don't go to bed with makeup on otherwise you ruin your pillowcases, etc. And old makeup on the face feels yucky.

As for starting over, say in the afternoon, if it looks okay overall, then there's no need to start over - just touch up the eyes and lips. The eyes and the lips are where the damage mostly happens coz that's where most of the moisture on the face comes from, and where most of the action is. Mascara gunks up, and lipstick gets wiped off/rubbed off. However, if in fixing up your lips or eyes, you inadvertently "damage " your makeup further, it is best to start over from a clean slate - wash the face and then start from scratch. The makeup routine is like in layers, and makeup is the whole, so spot-fixes aren't usually possible.

Anyway, this is my routine. I am not recommending it, per se, and it is definitely not the same with those of other girls:

I usually have a shower in the morning. If I didn't shower, I would, at the very least, wash my face. I have oily skin so I don't use moisturizers much but use astringent lotion to "open" the pores and exfoliate a little bit. "Opening pores" is a myth - it's more like unclogging the pores of the oils and gunk from the makeup, the environment and from your skin itself that clog them. The reason "closed" pores are bad is coz they trap bacteria in with the gunk, and this can cause pimples et cetera, or cause blackheads and whiteheads (ewww), or, in very rare cases, extremely severe infections, or impacted detritus that can even cause cellular and nerve damage (the face has a lot of nerve receptors). Anyway - people with oily skin should always use astringent after every bath/shower/face wash, and before going to bed.

If I just had a shower, I'd use body powder or baby powder everywhere but the face and neck, and if my outfit is sleeveless, I leave off the arms. If I'm wearing a skirt, I leave off the legs, too. (If my outfit's like that, I'd use a touch of baby oil or moisturizer on my arms and legs to make em smoother-looking and shinier.) But if I'm going to be wearing something dark, I leave off the powder altogether.

I towel-dry my hair, and if that's not enough, or if I have the time, I'd blow-dry it but just use the no-heat setting (otherwise my naturally wavy hair frizzes and I'd start looking like an eighties new-wave groupie or something, with hair bigger than Cher's). Wet hair that touches newly-applied makeup, especially when it's not all done yet (even if it's just a few strands) can ruin things. So I dry it and/or clip it back before starting the main part. BTW, blow-dried hair (at least with me) need to be put into the proper do IMMEDIATELY, even before the makeup. Otherwise, it's bad hair day all day!

I inspect the brows and trim the longish strands with the small scissors from my kit. (I have learned my lesson long ago - I don't pluck anymore since it's painful and I tend to over-pluck and ruin my look, so I have the guys in the salon do it for me when I am there, and just satisfy myself with trimming the long or unruly strands a bit).

I use primer prior to the foundation. You put a dab on your cheekbones, the bridge of your nose, your forehead and chin (that's five dabs), and you spread them outward with your fingers. You then wait for a few minutes for it to dry.

I then put concealer on the parts of my face that have problems. With me, I use concealer when I just had a pimple or something, otherwise I don't since my face's tone is fairly even and I have few blemishes - the point of the concealer is to hide the uneven colors or the blemishes/beauty marks/freckles on your face. So picking the right shade that matches your NATURAL tone is VERY important.

I then put foundation evenly all over my face. I don't use the sponge or the puff that comes with the compact, but a soft camel brush. I am not too expert at it as my sis is, so my minimum is 2 layers of a medium opacity foundation. Like the concealer, pick a color closest to your skin tone.

I then put highlighter on my cheeks, et cetera, and bronzer at the line of my jaw, the sides of the nose, the cheekbones, et cetera, to emphasize them and give my face some definition, otherwise, my face will look flat. I rarely use bronzer, though, since my foundation is medium opaque so my cheekbones et cetera come out anyway, and my tone is a little dark, to begin with.

I then pencil in my eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil, but I sometimes skip this since my brows are bushy enough as it is, and they've been shaped already at the salon to look real well defined.

I then put light-brown powder on my upper eyelids using a small brush, and sometimes smudge them if I use the oilier L'oreal stuff. I put just a touch (almost nonexistent) on the lower ones.

Then, using either a small pencil or a liquid liner with a fine wet brush, I draw a dark-brown line from the corner of my eye to the outer edge, along the edge of the lid. And then you repeat it for the lower eyelid. The thing nowadays is to make this line wider than usual, and extend it farther than the edge of the eye, to a point, giving you a somewhat cleopatra-ish look. In order to do this properly, you'll need a steady hand and a fine wet brush with long strands.

I then use eyelash curlers to shape my eyelashes into an upward-curving shape, and the lower ones into a downwar-curving shape. I then use the applicator from the mascara bottle to apply liquid mascara with an upward stroke for the tops, and downward for the bottoms. (I sometimes use fake lashes, or have them applied at the salon. There are many applications and kinds - pick one you like. But the salon-applied ones are better coz they last for a while)

I then use lipstick from the lipstick tube, and apply it to my lips. I usually have two tubes - the other one I use a fine brush or toothpick with (similar to the one I use with the liquid liner) to outline the lips, and not ruin the other tube's stick - the stick won't get everywhere, especially the corners, hence this extra step with a brush/stick. Have some tissues on hand to dab at where you "don't stay in the lines." Since the shades I like only come in matt, I usually apply some lip gloss. I don't do the entire lip - just at the front part, usually, to give the illusion of shine. (Sometimes, when I use the cheaper brands of lipstick, some of the lipstick gets on the lip gloss applicator. So I use some of the tissues to clean it off).

Some pointers - (1) Don't use brushes, sponges, applicators, et cetera on several different stuff. Keep separate applicators for each item. Be prepared to buy replacements when needed. Do not let them touch each other even, so the colors don't mix. (2) Some girls prefer to put on their outfits before the makeup. I don't. I prefer to put on my clothes after. I just take precautions. I've ruined many a blouse because I dropped some makeup on em while doing my face. So never again, except, of course, if its a touch-up. (3) Also, have lots of tissues on hand in case of accidents or emergencies. (4) Speaking of tissues - you know that thing that some girls do with lipstick? - the blotting thing with the tissue? It's good to do that before you eat or drink so you don't leave too many lipstick smudges on glasses, softdrink straws, et cetera. But I don't do it otherwise - as someone with a darker complexion, I like having emphasized lips. The only danger is when I give a girlfriend a friendly kiss and leave a mark. That's why hugs and air-kisses are de riguer. But if I'm really giving a kiss (a real one), I'm gonna smudge her/him anyway and blotting won't really help.

Biiiiig tip: Just before going home, esp. when it's getting dark out, freshen you makeup before going home or whatever, with more blush, darker or black liquid eyeliner, and darker lipstick. If you don't, you'll look washed out and tired just when it's getting dark out. Just try it if you don't believe me.

Biiiiigest tip of all: before going to bed, don't eave your makeup on - wash your face thoroughly! Otherwise you're asking for trouble, and after a while, you'll have the same complexion as Edward James Olmos, and the cleaning bill for your pillows will skyrocket. If you have oily skin, use astringent right after you wash, otherwise, use some moisturizer.

'Kay. There you go - Makeup 101 ala-Bobbie, in less than twenty steps.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #51: Contacting Me Via SMS, or am now AOC starting 2DAY, K? To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hello, everyone. I have been having problems with Yahoo Messenger, and I gather that a lot of the people I keep in touch with with via YM are having the same problems as well.

So, to supplement YM, and hopefully reduce the comm problems, I just got a prepaid, pay-as-you-go cellular plan here in Manila specifically for my friends here, so, if you want, you guys can contact me via SMS later, starting 8PM Eastern (which is 8AM Manila time).

Obviously, I don't want to publish my new Manila cell phone number in a public blog, nor give it to just anyone, so here's what I want to do: if you want, you can PM me your cell number (include area code, please) and I will send you an SMS with my number. If you want an additional layer of security, you can PM your email address and we can exchange information via email, and if your address is a Yahoo email address, we can do it via YM (which was what started this whole idea after all heehee).

I know there is a cost to sending SMS or text (I think twenty cents per, unless you have one of those unlimited plans), but this is just an alternative to YM, after all - we can still do it the conventional way.

And since Manila has one of the more prohibitive per-call rates in the region, my new number is going to be stricty for SMS/text only.

K. So, B2W. TNT, and SYL.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #52: A Simple Palm Sunday this year To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Since we are twelve hours ahead of everyoe back home, I decided to wait until now to post this.

That's so I can greet everyone, and say Happy Palm Sunday!

I attended Palm Sunday mass 9:30 this morning, picked up Moe for a nice early lunch out, and then went back home where we plan to have a nice, quiet Sunday for the rest of the afternoon. A simple Palm Sunday for us this year, but still a good one.

For Christians who observe Lent, Lent is a somber, reflective kind of season. On the whole, for me, Lent is actually a bit sad, except for a couple of bright spots - Easter Sunday (of course) and Palm Sunday.

Palm Sunday commemorates Jesus return to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover (for the Jewish people, Passover starts tomorrow this year, I think). The "palm" in Palm Sunday refers to the palm fronds and branches the people laid on the streets for Jesus to ride/walk over. Back in Roman days, it was a tradition to cover the path of someone important or respected. Also, for the Romans, the Palm is the symbol for triumph. Pretty appropriate for the occasion, huh?

Anyway, apologies for the factoid, but, hey, I AM a nerd after all. Or is that "nerdette?" lol

Happy Palm Sunday, everyone! Baruch Haba Hashem Adonai!
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #53: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Ma said during our last skype call a few days ago that it's forty-five degrees back home. Living in Manila for a while now, I am now more used to using Centigrade when measuring temperature, as opposed to Fahrenheit, and using kilometers instead of miles when measuring distance. So when she said forty-five degrees, I used my iPad and came up with 7.2 Centigrade. I told her it was 95 degrees here (which is 35 in centigrade-speak). It's so friggin' hot here! What I wouldn't give for a forty-five degree day.

For Moe, well sweetie doesn't want to leave the house much lately because of the heat, and she therefore misses out on all the nice sunshiney days, the warm breezes and the bright outside.

I tell her it's her chance for her to wear all the nice new summer outfits she has in her closet. If that doesn't get her to go out, I guess nothing will. But no... Ah, well I don't insist much anymore since a girl in her condition knows best (although it doesn't show yet) what's good and not good for her. It's the weather's fault, she sez. Still...

For me, I'm enjoying the weather here, and though I occasionally complain about the heat n humidity, I would prefer this over cold n dank n windy any day. N it's always a good excuse to wear my short n sassy summer outfits heehee. Guess I'm a Summer Girl at heart.

I just have to laugh when ma tante du Quebec, tells us stories over the phone/skype, about her being trapped in her house in Sillery, Quebec because of the cold. It's the weather's fault she sez.

Tante Berniece is one of Dad's sisters, and is one of our least favorite people. Although Moe-Moe doesn't like her much, she tries to be nice n polite to her out of deference to Kumadesu-san, which, is the Japanese thing to do. (Kumadesu is her pet name for Dad. Sometimes she calls him our Big Tediebea, and though he won't admit it, I think Dad likes being called that.)

I mentioned my aunt before, I believe. (http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/33131/family-girl-21-chri...)

I suppose Moe's being polite to Berniece backfired on us a bit, and though Tante Berniece isn't happy with me and my "condition" (which is the biiigest understatement of the century), she seems to have taken to us (more to Moe than to me, of course), and has been calling us regularly since early last year. Originally, she kept on calling collect. If you didn't know, Quebec-ers (ahem, i mean "Quebecois") have a reputation for being... ummm... thrifty. And lest I anger anyone, please know I am not generalizing - I'm just repeating what my Dad, a transplanted Quebecer himself, told me. I am sure it's not true except, of course, for Berniece heehee.

Anyway, when she finally noticed that we rarely accepted her collect calls (It's like sixteen pesos a minute, after all, and an average call from her is never less than thirty minutes), she discovered Skype... So there's no escapin' her now. Oh well...

Anyway... I began this blog talking about the temperature and how Moe-Moe and my aunt couldn't leave the house, blaming the weather for it.

This sort of brought to mind another conversation I recently had with a friend over the computer, too. She was telling me about a medical consdition of hers. I, being my usual caustic, acerbic self, cut to the chase and said that blaming what she ends up doing on something she has no control over is just a way of absolving one's self of responsibility for one's actions, as in, "I am doing this because of my condition," or "I have no choice because my condition..."

She sez that's not it at all - that she is actually saying that it is more like it's validating what she feels, and therefore what she is doing. Again, cutting to the chase, I sez it's still the same thing - that she is using something beyond her influence to justify, i.e. "validate" her actions.

I tell her that once she accepts responsibility, she will feel a kind of freedom that she hasn't felt before, and I speak from my own experience.

In one of the lowest points in my life, nothing seemed to be worth it, that it isn't worth comtinuing if all it means is that the black hole that was life would just be continued. Emptiness prolonged wasn't exactly a good thing. My girl left me, I was just this side of penniless, my family was not part of my life anymore, my coworkers make fun of me at every opportunity, and so on.

With the help of my therapist I came to a realization that remaining where I was, wallowing in self-pity wasn't really helping me, and it just made me pathetic. Disgusting, really. And that, more than anything, plus the idea that I was already at the bottom, that there wasn't really anything else to lose was what spurred me to try and better my life.

In the beginning, perhaps, I didn't really have much to motivate me except my self-image of how disgustingly pathetic I had become, and how I didn't want to be that way. And, also, I had my therapist's tough love to bully me into making me move forward. So I did, and I was scared. I was really scared. What will people think? What will happen to me? Will I be able to find a job & keep myself going? I was timid to the extreme, so wrapped up in feelings of worthlessness, always feeling I was, say, not supposed to be allowed to be in a store and buy clothes, or go to a theater and watch a movie, or go to a restaurant and have a meal. I became this deathly mousy, shy thing, and in her own way, aspathetic as the old me.

My second epiphany came. Why, I asked myself, am I behaving so? Why do I feel that way when I go into a store or a restaurant, or a public bathroom or a movie theater? Apparently, life wasn't really empty, wasn't really a black hole, coz there were still things to lose. "Wow," I thought to myself... Wow...

My inmer me then asked myself a question: Is whatever's left worth it to keep on forcing mdyself to "move forward," as my therapist sez. Well, me answered me, apparently they are, otherwise why would I be afraid of losing them? Wow again...

So, me asked myself again, what are these things, anyway? Let's "concretize" them, as my therapist would say. Let's list them down and see.

So. Wanting to go to a public bathroom and not feel like I'm not allowed to be in there. Wanting to walk the sidewalks and not feel like everyone's staring at me. Wanting to walk into a store and be able to buy whatever cute clothes I wanted (if I had the money, of course) and not wonder if I was worthy to even want such things. And as I inventoried the list, I started to see a pattern. So... Is this it, me asked myself again? That's not exactly a great list...

Ponder, ponder...

Then another Aha! moment. These weren't really the things. These were only things that I associated with something else. Hmmm... So what is it? What is this other big thing? Ponder, ponder... This needs lots of pondering. So... Ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder.... (lol joke!)

I came to the realization that what I want is to be the person I want to be, and with that came a lot of other "wants."

And my wanting to be this - would this be enough to want to push on? Confusing, huh? Just imagine what I was was thinking.

It was sort of a circular kind of argument, and it didn't make sense. Where is Sigmund Freud when you need him? But when I pondered it some more (Ponder again? really? lol), It did make a cockeyed kind of sense - it means that what I want wasn't one simple thing - that there are so many little, inconsequential things (some of them even petty) that make up the the big thing, the big goal that I wanted, and there are all of these many, myriad little thIngs that I had to do to reach that big goal, and therefore so many things that I can fail in... Maybe that's what's really scary.

And here's my last Aha! moment: regardless of my present situation, regardless of who or what was to blame for my situation, or even if these things just "validate" why I was this way - that doesn't really matter. These "causes" or "reasons" for who or what I am now - they are all beside the point. The point is, I have to take responsibility for what I have done, and what I will do. No more looking at causes, no more looking for blame, no more looking for validation, no more passing the responsibility - there are things to be done. and I have to own up to these things that need to be done. No more "waiting for tests" or "waiting for so-and-so to finish whatever." Coz that's passing the blame for postponing what I need to do, or confirming what needs to be done has to be be postponed yet again, or confirming, "ah, so the reason that I am like this is because blah-blah-blah so I am not responsible for it..."

Meanwhile, the things that need to be done gets... postponed yet again. I came to the realization that postponing means not doing it. And I know, deep within me, that not doing it means not facing up to the fear, or escaping what I fear - fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of rejection. Fear of whatever.

And postponing and postponing just means it will never get done.

So, me sez to me - "there it is, honey, in black and white. It's as clear as day. So, whatcha gonna do about it?" Do you know how I answered me?

Okay - switch the time machine to several years later, and here I am. I am still asking the question from time to time, but I think I have conquered some of those fears, and I am still here, happy for the most part. Definitely light years better than the old me of eight years ago. There are still lots more of those "things" to be done, but laying blame, laying responsibility, confirming why things are the way they are - these are beside the point. The important realization is that there are things that need to be done regardless.

My friend who I talked with over the net - I have posed the same question. I wonder how she will answer the question, and if she will remain true to her answer. Or will she just look for reasons again why something cannot be done, or why something needs to be postponed....

Gosh, listen to me - I must sound crazy, huh?

If I do - just ignore me. It's probably because of the hot weather... There I go again, blaming something....

Anyway, Summer Girl signing off. Sorry for the long blog. Seeya later!
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #54: To Wear A Bra Or Not To Wear A Bra - That is the question... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I read a blog here in BC posted just little while ago, and it caught my eye. I mean, how can it not, with a title like, "Women Better Without Bras." Right? And you don't have to be a boy for a blog like this to pique your interest. Prurient male curiosity aside, women would be interested in the blog, too. (See the post http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/43836/french-study-women-..., by MITTFH)

Seems MITTFH was referring to an article from a site called "The Local," where a Professor Rouillon talked about a study he did that showed bras provide no physiological benefit for women, and that it might actually be the opposite - that it might actually be detrimental...
Hmmm...

Though I haven't been living as a girl for that long, I know that what a girl thinks of herself is based in large part on her looks. And to our current western standards of beauty, a girl's breasts figure largely in her beauty. My sister is so lucky to have large C-cup babies. True, they aren't double-D's or anything, They were, at least, plenty big for them to make her a cheerleader back in high school.

Those who have transitioned MTF, or are going through RLE or something similar, are always concerned about passing, and boobies are, of course, required to pass. But for girls like me who are... mammarily deficient (lol), bras are a godsend. With the right pair, an... under-endowed girl can still look spectacular.

And besides which, they are actually very pretty just for their own sake. That's just my own opinion, of course.

I also subscribe to the notion that a girl who who isn't completely nude is always prettier than when she's in the altogether - with a strategically-positioned scarf or a tiny diaphanous brassiere instead of being completely naked, a girl can use her womanly charms to devastating effect. (And though I don't have much experience compared to other girls, I know that this is true wink-wink)

As to the physical benefits of a bra, all I can say is that wearing a bra helps bring my little babies under control, and stop them from, ummm, shifting around when it's not convenient or appropriate.

More than that, having bras help reduce the irritation on the nipples when one's clothes keep on sliding over them. When my boobies were just coming in, I was really thankful for this protection that my trainers gave me.

I cannot have an opinion, though, on whether bras do help provide support or prevent sagging. My babies aren't exactly hefty, and I haven't been wearing bras long enough to notice the benefit (or lack thereof): with the help of the hormones, I grew to smallish B-size cups. I would have wanted them to have grown bigger, but that's it. And I don't wanna monkey around with my med's dosages just on the off-chance that they'd help me gain a cup size girls my height and build are more susceptible to liver and kidney problems from wrong hormone levels.

The thing I think a study like that of Professor Rouillon has overlooked is the other things a brassiere gives a girl, other than supporting her breasts or preventing them from sagging.

Ancient Greek and Roman women can't all be mistaken, not to mention those from ancient China and those from more modern eras, like the Victorian and Edwardian eras, not to mention those from imperial France, and the girls from the 1920's, thirties, forties, fifties and sixties. For boob-challenged girls like me, one of the greatest inventions of the seventies, the wonderbra, was the best thing since sliced bread (lol).

I cannot claim to think that my point of view regarding women's clothes, women's underwear in particular, is typical but, for me, lingerie in silky, delicate materials an in sexy colors, cuts and patterns are a big turn-on, and I love wearing them, even if I am the only one who knows I am.

But it seems a lot of others think the same way I do: Many women are not too happy with the good professor's conclusion that bras provide no physiological benefit, given the many comments that the article generated. So much so, I think, that The Local, or perhaps Professor Rouillon himself, felt the need to put up another article not even 10 hours after the original was put up. (The same site where MITTFH got the link came out with a new article hours after the first one, this one entitled "Author of breasts study: more research needed." (see http://www.thelocal.fr/page/view/women-doubt-controversial-f...)

In the new article, the professor stressed the preliminary nature of his findings, and that more study is needed.

Hmmm...

Well, in any case, the question still remains: to wear a bra or not to wear a bra - that is the question... (apologies to William Shakespeare lol)

For me, however, even if it is indeed proven that bras don't really help physically, I think I will continue wearin' em.

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #55: A Reminder On My Calendar To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I had a... drama-filled discussion with a BCTS friend about twelve hours ago via Yahoo Messenger. Seems those are the only kinds of discussions we've had lately. Anyway, she has finally given me a date for when she will be taking the first concrete step towards arresting the "steady decline" (her words) in her life.

I have marked down that date, July 1st, 2013, in my iPad's calendar, and I plan to email/YM/text/PM her on that day, and see if she really did what she said she'd do, or if this is just another one of those things that she plans but ends up never doing.

After more than two years of us going back and forth on the same thing - more than two years of hemming and hawing, of unrealized grand designs, of brave but un-executed plans, of empty intentions, of her making plans but end up not doing anything - I guess I am now thinking she really isn't serious about this. Many times she has made plans and put deadlines on them, but ultimately nothing came of them, often with lots of excuses why they weren't. So her making another deadline isn't new, but she's saying this is real this time. Do I believe this time? But as Erin says, everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt....

If this is, in fact, real this time, then this is something of an accomplishment for her. Earthshaking, actually. She, of course, pushed the date eighty-four days away. For me, that's too far away, and so many things can happen before then.

So I don't think anyone can blame me for doubting her, after hearing her make so many plans in the past, and to hear her say that she is serious about it and she's really gonna do what she said she will "this time." Well, after more than two years of hearing her cry wolf... Like I said, can you blame me?

Us TG folk have always had a hard time with life, and not many will ever reach out with a sympathetic helping hand. I have always thought most "normal" folks were a little short-sighted when it came to people like us, and most are stuck in their own little world-views, scared of thinking out of the box. Never did I think a TG person would actually be the same, that even being TG, she would be unable to shake the normal world's conventionalities and restrictions and make things right for herself.

Looking back at my own experiences, despite being TG, I was, deep within me, ashamed - that who I was was a shameful thing. After all, the rest of the world, especially those closest to me, told me so. It was just my own need to change myself to what I thought was the real me, to correct such a fundamental wrongness, that I was willing to do anything, face anything.

My fear is that my friend doesn't have that need, that hunger to change, to be able to overcome her emotional inertia and be willing to take a chance.

At the beginning of things, I have told her that she had so many medical problems, not to mention problems with her family, to even consider transitioning at this point in her life. But she ignored me. She came out, without a plan for the possible repercussions and consequences for coming out.

As expected, her family life became a bigger turmoil and her medical problems have just increased. So, I said that the next logical step must be taken if she does indeed want to push on with transitioning (not hormones or operations, but to do something to make it right between her and her family). But she doesn't - for two years, she has always had a reason not to do anything of consequence. So she has had to endure the disdain, the disrespect of people around her. She has even been physically threatened by her own offspring. I told her it was a mistake to do this without any follow-through.

So she is now in this abyss of her own making, where everything is, using her words, in a "steady decline," that she has "run out of strategies" to cope or to fix things. She said, "I have examined my living conditions, and found them wanting." And the thing is, it's not as if she can't do anything about it - she can. It's just that she doesn't. It's like she goes out of her way to make things harder for herself...

Anyway, she has set a deadline for her first concrete step to stop this vicious cycle, even though she's set it so very far away - eighty-four days away, to be exact. I have a suspicion the reason it's so very far away is that it is just another one of her delaying tactics to escape doing something concrete.

But, like Erin says, benefit of the doubt and all that... If this July 1 deadline is real, it might be a way for her to escape this devil's hamster wheel.

So...

I'll be watching out for July 1. I have marked my calendar.

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The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #56: Jealous Girl To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Oftentimes I find myself jealous of others, for a myriad of things. I suppose girls with similar... "problems" as mine do, too. When life has given you lemons, and you don't know about lemonade... I am a regular Jealous Girl. At least some of the time.

My spouse, on the other hand, is rarely jealous. She can be envious from time to time, though, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Some people use the words "jealousy" and "envy" interchangeably. So I did a bit of research and I found a post on WiseGeek that explained the differences very clearly: there are two main differences actually - one was that jealousy is almost always a negative emotion while envy can have positive effects; the other one was that envy focused not on the person but the thing (or whatever it is) that the envy is about, whereas jealousy is focused on the person.

Anyway, like I said, I have been jealous of other people (and so many other other things that I am not proud of) so many times, I can't even count them. I was a very sad, angry, and bitter little ducky. But I am not the same person anymore. I have done a lot to be better, to be closer to the person I thought I should have been.

And as I continued the journey to find myself, the things that I am not exactly proud of are sort of fixing myself. The big ones I am still working on, but some of the smaller ones I am starting to fix, such as my moments of jealousy. And I credit my girl for a lot of that.

Lately, she hasn't been herself, because of a combination of too much work and her condition, I suspect. She needed to get out a little bit so convinced her to go out. I don't dance and clubbing isn't really my scene, but it is Moe's. (The doctors said its still early so it was okay, and it actually recommended)

So we got all dressed up in our new club dresses, met up with some people from the office and went to a club called Encore in a place called The Fort, and it was pretty good. Not too many people around though, they told me, because it wasn't the right day of the week.

The music was mostly trance and techno, with a few songs by Ke$ha Lana Del Rey thrown in, but my tastes were more pop than anything else. Still, I was able to dance a bit, though I begged off quite early, and I basically parked myself at our table with some of the people from my office (whose idea this was). Moe, of course, spent most of the night dancing, and I was happy she wasn't a shut-in tonight. She looked real sexy and was enjoying herself instead for a change. If you've ever been in trance or techno clubs, dance partners are optional, and you don't really need to dance "with" anyone. I did, however, notice that Moe had a lot of guys vying to be be her dance "partner." Par for the course, after all.

After a while of sitting with the guys, we were getting a bit bored so they were able to coax me onto the floor for a bit. Like I said, I don't dance (Moe finds it funny when I try to), so I was there in the middle of the place shuffling my feet and trying to stay with the rhythm. I guess I was doing okay since there were a few who wanted to dance with me. And I guess I was able to fool myself a bit because I was enjoying myself.

I was surprised, though, that, sometime in the middle of some song I didn't know, Moe came and pulled me to our friends at our table saying she was tired and needed a rest. I was a bit miffed, but what she wants and all that...

No one was talking much as we sipped our drinks, and since it was nearing 2am (closing time), we decided to go home.

After dropping everyone off, Moe got to talking, and it turns out Moe was jealous!

I won't talk about what she said, since she was plenty mad, and the language was... well... And you haven't been dressed down until you've been yelled at in a combination of English and Japanese. Why was I leading on those men! Bakka!

I was totally mystified since I didn't do anything bad. But as she wound down, I finally realized she was jealous. My Moe, the most even-keeled and reasonable people I know, was jealous. And there was no reason to be.

I haven't really put her on any pedestal (well, a little bit maybe), but in our two-plus years of being together, I guess I have been getting a lot of my cues from her, in my quest to be an all-around better girl.

I guess it's a mistake to idolize anyone since everyone has feet of clay. But that shouldn't affect how you feel about them. This is my lady, after all, and a little incident like the night before hasn't changed how I felt about her. I would forgive a lot just because it was her. And then I realized something...

If I do that for her, I suddenly realized that she does that for me as well. I then realized that I do the same for other people I know as well, and should do so for others, too. And If I can do that for others, why can't I do the same for myself? I am far from perfect, but I am really trying my best to be better, and that is the main thing. So, so long as I am trying to be better, I think I can forgive myself for my mistakes and faults. That will go a long way to making me a happier Bobbie. Whitney Houston sang about it before - that the greatest love of all is inside of me.

When Moe woke up later, she apologized profusely, saying she was being silly the night before. I shrugged and just smiled, saying there's nothing to forgive. It was just the hormones, after all. They've been pretty out of whack lately, but not unexpected.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #57: It's Half Full! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It is disheartening at times (lately it's almost all the time), to be reading tales of woe and hardship, of depression and sadness, here in my favorite site. I suppose our community has more than its share of hardship stories. More than other equivalent communities, I'm sure. I can understand that. I've been there, too, after all. But, even so, I wish there were more positive posts. Goodness knows I try to be positive in my blogs as often as I can, if just to provide a contrast to what is apparently the norm now here in the Blogs section of BCTS.

I cannot really comment on how bad it is for some, but I do know that it's quite easy to write about the bad things. And it's sometimes a lot harder to write about the good things, especially if they come all too infrequently (or at least they can appear to).

A lot of people here are supportive to fellow members, especially to those who write about the darker side of life. I just wish these writers who frequently write these dark posts would take a break, and try to post about something more positive for a change.

People take a lot of good things from BCTS, especially the supportive, encouraging comments that people give us all the time. But perhaps it is time to take a break and give something back for a change instead of taking all the time, and maybe write a positive kind of blog next time.

While looking for a nice graphic for the post, I came across something from Sardonic Salad: in it, a scientist, Dr. Hamilton, was taking notes on his latest breakthrough experiment on converting pessimists to optimists. As he observed his test subject flounder in a big glass of water, the test subject yelled, "Half full!! It's half full!!"

Writing too often about depressing things can be self-fulfilling. As Hamlet said in Shakespeare's famous play, "there is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so."

It's time to make a change, I think. Half full is so much better than half empty.
  

click here to read my old Working Girl Blogs, click here to read all of my blogs, click here to read my stories in BCTS, and click here to see my profile & know more about me.