Dear Dad,
by Jonelle
I'm really not sure what to say here, I just know I've got to say it. You've been gone since I was ten. You've been physically gone since I was three.
Why should it even matter?
Somehow, it does.
It doesn't matter that you're gone.
It doesn't matter that you were never really here.
The only thing that matters is that you know me.
Not the 'me' that everyone thought they knew, but the 'Real' me.
I'm your other daughter. The one nobody knew about.
It's not like I'm a 'bastard' child.
I'm just the one that nobody knew.
You and Mom were legally united.
I was merely the second child of that union.
I just wasn't what you thought.
I was, by no means the eldest son.
That was my brother.
Granted, he was by no means a role model for anyone.
Three marriages, three kids.
Yeah, a bit too much like you, Dad.
Misogynist; Hedonist; Sexist.
Your perfect ideal of masculinity.
Absolute And Total Bullshit!!!
I've met a man that proves just how wrong you were.
He has a heart;
a soul with so much depth that you couldn't comprehend.
I'm in Love with Him.
I know that thought probably gives you indigestion and then some.
It should.
Your vision of manhood should make anybody sick.
Everybody and everything made me believe that I was male.
I never have been. I never will be.
I'm your other daughter.
The one you never knew.
The one you never will.
I Love You Dad.
I'm not sure why.
You're My Daddy.
That seems to be all that matters to me.
It's all that ever has.
I Love You,
Jonelle
Dear Mom,By Jonelle-Elise copyright 2011
It just seemed easier that way. It's not quite that easy with you. You're still here; actually you're right here under my roof!
That doesn't seem to matter.
You're my Mom.
That seems to carry more weight than it should.
I'm your caretaker now.
I know you don't like that;
Neither do I.
I'm not sure I can handle it.
I've been so stressed out by so many things lately; taking care of my own needs has been put on the bottom of the list.
I'm your daughter.
I always have been.
I always will be.
You never knew that. You might've suspected that I was 'different'.
I always knew.
I hope you can deal with this.
I'm not sure I can.
I Love You Mom.
Jonelle-Elise
It was my first semester in the Art Department. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of drawing naked people, it really wasn't what I had in mind when I changed my major from Biochem.
I just thought I'd be able to draw some pretty pictures, and get away from all the formulae and math that I had no further tolerance for.
Don't get me wrong. I've always been a bit of a science geek. Astrophysics, sub-atomic particles; muons, nuons, quarks and the like have always fascinated me. Biology was just second nature though.
I grew up on a small farm. Nature was just reality for me. Birth, death, procreation; I saw it all from a very early age.
That's just the way the planet and humanity moved forward.
To what end, Who knows?
After wiping visions of dollar signs and endless government grants from my eyes, and drifting aimlessly through the Journalism school, this is where I found myself. One step further down the academic ladder.
The Art Department held dubious distinction at an overwhelmingly Engineering school.
We were relegated to unheated, former garages as far away from the 'mainstream' as possible.
It soon became clear, that this was a blessing.
My instructor was one of the most incredible men I've ever met. His vision of what was possible would've given Walt Disney wet dreams. In his mind, anything was possible. Convention Be Damned!
I latched on to that ideal with a relish I'd never felt before.
When he mentioned that our model had suddenly dropped-out, what else could I do?
I had to volunteer my services.
Of course, the other students were well along with their sketches. I really wasn't that concerned about them finishing their drawings with me as the model.
Then they started to suggest how I should pose; what I should do to appear more feminine.
This was the epiphany I'd been waiting for all my life.
I was...
I am....
A Woman.
I wasn't crazy about the idea, but my sister had a way of talking anyone into doing anything. She often had me doing things that I was more than a bit apprehensive about.
She got me to dance, which I considered to be more than a little bit 'Girly'. She'd play Mom's old 45's. The 'Big Bopper', Buddy Holly, Hell, even 'Kookie' Ed Byrnes! from "77 Sunset Strip". She had this entire routine choreographed to "Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb". It was Hilarious!!!
On more than one occasion we entertained family and friends with that routine. She was in Heaven. I was just glad to be receiving some attention for something that didn't involve athletic prowess or intellect. The former of which I had too little, the latter of which I had a bit too much.
Anywho, the Halloween party for my Cub Scout troop was coming up and guess who was struck with a bolt of genius from the heavens? That's right, You guessed it. My evil genius of an older sister. Okay, she really wasn't evil, but it sure seemed that way to me at the time.
Her brilliant idea was for me to go as a 'Gypsy.' Not a male Gypsy with a headband and earring, possibly a gold tooth mind you, but as a 'FEMALE-type, Belly-Dancer-type Gypsy!!!
Well, Mom and Grandma thought it was a great idea. I still wasn't convinced. That is until I saw the dress that my Sister had in mind. It was PERFECT!!! I didn't even know that she owned such a thing. It was a peasant dress with full billowing sleeves, and floor-length for modesty's sake. (Thank God!) It was a small floral print with a blue bodice and swath around the knees and ankles. The rest was red with the same floral print.
I knew this would work.
By the time I was 'accessorized' I couldn't believe the reflection that stared back at me. The gold-hooped (clip-on) earrings, Mom's long auburn wig, topped off with a red silk bandanna, four or five gold bracelets on each wrist, and a beautiful gold sort of bangly-dangly belt around my waist.
It was stunning, in more ways than one.
They still weren't finished though. How much more could there be? Well that's when I had my first experience with make-up. Rouge, eye-shadow, mascara, lipstick, and even false eyelashes for God's Sake! They were having Way Too Much fun with all of this!
Some knee-high black leather boots (which required a bit of getting used to) And Mom's gold pendant completed "The Look".
I was sure I'd win the costume contest.
I didn't.
Some fool with a 'Nixon' mask did. How much creativity did that take?!!! The guy was being impeached!;0 Of course, I had no clue what that meant. I just knew he did something wrong.
One of life's lasting lessons. If you screw up, you'll be remembered.
My Scoutmaster confirmed the point. Bobbing for apples, I got dunked. In the process Mom's pendant was removed from it's chain.
I was devastated.
Not due to embarrassment, but 'cuz I broke Mom's necklace.
That hurt.
Two Letters
by
Jonelle
Dear Jack,
I know you've always been there for me, to protect me and keep me safe from harm. I do appreciate it, I really do. It's just that I've had enough. I can't take it any more. It's way beyond time for me to have my own life. To seek the kind of happiness you've had so many years to find for yourself.
You've failed miserably, repeatedly.
It's long passed time for me to have a shot.
I deserve to at least have a chance. I've put up with all your misguided efforts. Looking in all the wrong places. All the wrong people to find anything that might be considered 'normal'. It's time for you to face the fact that it's simply not meant to be. This isn't who 'You' are, who 'We' are.
'We' are 'Me'.
Not the image that you've portrayed to the outside world for so very long. Something entirely different.
I'm not going away. I can't. I've always been here and you've always known that. That's why you've protected me. It's what you do. It's part of your/our nature. We care for the ones we Love, no matter the cost.
In this case, the cost is too high.
You've sacrificed everything and it's just not enough. I/we need more. The kind of 'connection' that can only be found with another. I've been lucky enough to find that 'other'. That connection that completes my soul. You have to let me go. You just have to if either of us are ever going to find true happiness.
Jane
Dearest Jane,
I know how much you've suffered, and it breaks my heart. Not just the fact that you've had to endure so much, but that I've been partly responsible for preventing you from being ourself.
You must understand though, that I haven't done it out of malice or contempt. All I've cared about is your safety.
It's exactly like you said, you know me to well. It's because I care. It's what 'we' do. It's part of our nature and there's no escaping it.
I understand your frustration. Trust me, I've felt plenty of it myself. You really do deserve a chance. God knows, I haven't done a whole lot with the chances I've had.
Okay, I went to school, made a decent living, bought the house, took in my brother and mother when they needed a place to stay. Yeah, that's something, but I've done absolutely nothing to achieve happiness on that level that we all crave, need, to be truly fulfilled as members of the human family.
I'm so sorry.
Jack
Ummmm,... Do You Love Me?
I'm fairly sure of your answer.
Just the prospect of it completely freaks me out!
I've been dreading the answer to that question since I was born.
Even though I didn't realize the question had to be asked.
I do Love You.
I Always Will!!!
Forever and Always,
Your Jonelle