Part 1

Chapter 1

I was sitting on my suitcases trying to decide what was pissing me off more; being sent out to the middle of nowhere to live with a father who I don’t even remember or having said father forget to pick me up. Now to give him the benefit of the doubt, which I really don’t want to do, but let’s say I do; it is entirely possible that he is here.

I wouldn’t know him if he was standing right in front of me. Thinking that, I glance up, looking at the man standing at the curb. Hmmm, probably not, this guy is about fifty something and black. My father should be in his early forties and not black, not Asian either. Beyond that, I haven’t much of a clue except he’s supposed to be tall, slim and have dark hair. He’s also supposed to have a recent picture of me. If not, there’s no way he’ll spot me, even if he remembers that I no longer look like a boy. This already long crappy day is getting worse.

My name is Angel MacGarry. MacGarry was my Mom’s maiden name and Angel is the name Mom gave me when she realized that my wanting to be a girl wasn’t just a phase. That was seven years ago.

I can’t remember what the final thing was that convinced my Mom. We had been going on and on about my acting like a girl and saying that I WAS a girl since I was about five. I’d try to stop feeling like a girl and I’d try to act like a boy but it never worked out, at least for long, then I’d get all upset and then Mom would get all upset. This kept going on and on until finally one day, shortly after I turned nine, we went around about this again. Like I said, I don’t remember the details but the end result was Mom looking at me and this time finally seeing me. She finally saw me as a girl.

I may not remember the details of the argument we were having but I do remember every detail of the revelation. We were both reduced to tears of frustration; me by insisting that I really was a girl and Mom by trying to convenience me that I wasn’t. Well we both were crying and Mom was looking at me. As she looked I saw the moment she realized the truth. Her eyes got wider, her mouth formed an ‘O’ and she brought her hand up to her face. She then reached out and gently touched my cheek. Her next words I’ll never forget, “Oh my angel, why didn’t I see it before. I’m so sorry baby.” She then gathered me in her arms and we cried and laughed and ever since that day, I’ve been ‘Angel’. The rest, as they say is history.

Ever since that moment I’ve lived as a girl. Mom found some really great doctors to help me too. One worked with us to help me get my body on the right track to look female and the other worked with us to help us on the mind and emotional end of things. The end result is today I look and act just like any other teenage girl. In one more year I’m going to have my operation to finally correct my little birth defect, but even if that never happens, and believe me it will, but even if it doesn’t, legally I am a girl. It says so now on my birth certificate. That was Mom’s big present to me this year. Her final gift to me was to legally make me her daughter.

Oh gods, just remembering is making me cry again. I hate crying. Three weeks, two days and glancing at my watch, seventeen hours ago, my Mom became my angel. Last year she found out that she got the big ‘C’ and we fought it. Oh boy did we fight it too. We saw the best of the best when it came to doctors and we tried every treatment there was to try and beat it. But sometimes it doesn’t matter how good the person is, or how hard you fight, you still end up losing. An hour and fifteen minutes after Mom gave me the present of my new birth certificate, she died. She died and my faith in god and all the good things in life died with her.

So a bit over three weeks later I find myself sitting on one of my suitcases at the curb of a small airport, waiting for a father who I haven’t heard one word from since he left us when I was three to pick me up. My nose is all stuffy and my mascara is running and I just want to go home, a home that no longer exists.

“Jason Hawkins, Jason Hawkins, please meet your party at Passenger Drop off, Jason Hawkins, please meet your party at the Passenger Drop Off area at the main terminal entrance.”

I’m not sure how many times I listened to that announcement before it finally dawned on me that I was born ‘Jason Hawkins’ sixteen years ago. I had all but forgotten that name. Apparently father dear “forgot” that it isn’t my name anymore and it hasn’t been for a very long time. Bastard. I can see that this is going to be a real fun time.

I get up and grab my two suitcases, my backpack, purse and my guitar case and go back inside the airport. First to the ladies room to repair my face, I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing that I was crying, and two, to make my way up from ‘Passenger Pickup’ to the ‘Passenger Drop Off’ area. Oh dopey me for thinking that I should be at the pick-up area like was agreed upon.

After making sure my face is on ok, I make my way up the escalators and out the main doors. Looking around, there is no sign of any tall dark slender men, especially one that looks like he’s trying to find someone. Great, just freaking great. With my luck he’s probably already gone, although admittedly that could be a mixed blessing. I suspect he’s about as happy about me being here as I am which is not at all.

Grabbing my bags, I decide to give it one more try. I drag my stuff on over to a police officer who is currently trying to get some lady with a pickup truck to move. Hopefully he can help me find out who paged me.

“Lady, I’ve already let you stay here too long as it is. You’re going to have to move now.” he was telling her.

“Excuse me officer,” I interrupt, “but could you help me please?”

The policeman turns to me, the lady looks relieved for the bit of reprieve I’ve given her and he says, “Sure kid, what do you need?”

“I need to find out who’s been paging Jason Hawkins.”

“You his sister?”

“Something like that.”

“This is your lucky day.” Turning to the lady he says “You got five more minutes before I ticket you and have your truck towed.” He then walks off.

What the hell?

I’m standing there watching the policeman’s retreating back trying to figure out his cryptic comment when someone clears their throat right behind me.

Turning, there’s that lady. Wow, she’s a tall one. Of course everyone is tall to me. If I think really tall thoughts I’m almost, maybe 5’2”, ok only 5’1” and only if I cheat. This gal is six foot easily.

“Sorry, did I hear you correctly, were you asking about Jason Hawkins?”

“Um, yea.”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought I’d screwed this up proper. You’re Bill’s kid? Um, Jason?”

“Yes and no. Yes, Bill Hawkins fathered me, no my name isn’t Jason, not anymore, its Angel. Who are you?”

“Praise be I lucked out again. Oh, um, Angel, I’m your Aunt Carol, Bills’ sister. Wow, you really look like a girl.”

“Wow, Aunt Carol, so do you!” I hate when people say that. “Now what? If we wait around much longer, that cop is going to come back.”

I could tell my response surprised her. This is the first I’ve ever heard of having an aunt. Of course, Mom never talked about father and his side of the family, I mean ever. Anyway, I had no intention of getting too lovey dovey with the people who’ve ignored me for sixteen years. As soon as I graduate high school I’m out of here.

“Well, let’s just toss your stuff in the back here and we’ll head on out.” With that, she grabs the bags that I’ve been struggling with and tosses them both in the back of the truck like they were two feathers. Keeping hold of my guitar, I go to open truck door but am struggling to get it unlatched.

“Here hon, let me. Ever since your daddy sideswiped the gate post, it takes a bit of persuasion to get ‘er open.” With that she gives the door a viscous kick then a hard yank on the handle. Then the door opens with a loud creak.

Lovely. Putting my guitar case on the floor of the back I literally have to climb up and onto the seat. I put my pack and purse on the floor beneath me.

“Make sure you’re all tucked in darlin', got to slam it to get it to stay.” With that she slams the door making the whole truck rock.

Looking around, the inside is covered in dust, there are what look like Indian blankets covering the seats, there’s a gun rack with rifle in the back and a straw cowboy hat resting on the dash. I suppose technically it’s a cowgirl hat as Carol jams it on her head as soon as she climbs in.

With a big white smile she says, “buckle up darlin’ and relax. We’ll be home in a few hours.”

Hours? Oh joy, oh rapture. If that gun in the back is loaded, I wonder if Carol would let me use it to put myself out of my misery. Probably not.

As Carol concentrates on getting out of the airport and onto the highway, I take the opportunity to give her a closer look.

The first thing I notice is she looks young. She looks like she’s closer to my age than someone father’s age and if father is anything like her I can be sure that I take after Mom’s side of the family. Well, except the nose. Mom had this little button nose that I always wanted too. Instead I’ve got this nose that Mom always said has character. If that meant big, she was right. Now I see where I got it from. Carol and I have the same nose, only on her it looks good, on me it just looks big.

As I mentioned, she is a very tall woman and the heels of her cowboy boots just help add to that impression. For all of her height she looks slim. Not skinny, nope, this is someone who screams ‘I am a woman’ and has the curves to prove it. She’s got very long legs in snug well worn jeans, a narrow waist and an impressive bosom wrapped in a flannel shirt with no sleeves. On top of all of that, she has long straight black hair, dark eyes that you can tell are use to laughing and facial features that well, I suspect make most women if not hate, at least envious of her. I include myself in that list, she’s gorgeous.

We get out on the highway and are heading south. I’m looking at the mountains on my right. I’ve never seen mountains so big before. Who am I kidding; I’ve never seen mountains before. All this blue sky and wide open spaces is beginning to freak me out a bit.

“Bet this is sure different from what you’re used to isn’t it?”

Looking at Carol, she’s smiling at me. I say, “I’ve spent all my life in New York City. The wilderness there is bordered between Fifth Avenue and Central Park West one way, and West 110th Street and East 59th Street the other way. Central Park is big and impressive and can get pretty wild, but it’s nothing like this. I never realized the sky could be so blue.”

“Yea, it’s going to be a purty day. Well you’ll get used to it here in no time. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for getting things all messed up back there. Your daddy is in the middle of a difficult foaling and couldn’t get away so he asked me to come fetch you. It wasn’t ‘till I was almost at the airport that I realized that I forgot to get the picture you sent and then I couldn’t for the life of me remember your new name. I tend to be a bit scattered brained sometimes.”

“Oh it’s ok. I thought he might have forgotten or something.”

“Oh darlin’ no, he’s been really lookin’ forward to meeting you.”

“Ma’am, it’s ok, you don’t have to say that. I suspect he really isn’t all that eager to see me. We’ll get through this year in no time, and then I’ll be out of your hair for good.”

She got a kind of worried look on her face and was holding her lower lip between her teeth.

“I know all of this landed on you guys all of a sudden and I’m sure it’s a huge imposition. You don’t have to worry; you’ll hardly know I’m there. I won’t be a bother.”

“Darlin’ really, when I found out you were commin’ I was really pleased. Your daddy was too. I hope you’ll like it here. Oh, and please call me Carol. I’d really like us to be friends.”

Not really knowing what to say to that, I decided to change the subject. “Um Carol, if you don’t mind me asking, just how old are you?”

“Me? I’m twenty-eight. Daddy, your granddaddy, and Momma got hitched late but wanted a girl. Now Momma was Daddy’s third wife and Daddy couldn’t have any more kids so they adopted me, so I reckon that just makes me kind of your half-aunt by marriage, but I guess I’m also your cousin, like third or fourth removed, ‘caus my birth folks were Daddy’s second or third cousins. They died when I was five and that’s when Daddy and Momma took me in. It gets a bit complicated but we’re all family, so actual relations don’t really matter. Family is family.

I sure was sorry to hear about your momma, that’s mighty sad. I remember when Bill brought her home that one time. They had just run off and got married and he was showing her off to the family. She was just the prettiest little thing and I hate to admit it but I was so jealous of her. Now keep in mind, I was what? Let’s see, I was twelve years old and your daddy was eighteen and I thought he hung the moon, he was just so big and handsome. Anyway, here he comes home with the prettiest little thing you ever did see. I see a lot of her in you. You’re smaller, lordy you’re a tiny thing, but you’re even prettier than your momma was.”

Wanting to once again change the subject I ask, “Carol, since it’s going to be a couple of hours until we reach your place, do you think we could stop somewhere so I can get something to eat? I haven’t eaten in awhile.”

“Oh darlin’ I’m so sorry. I should of thought of that. If you can hold on just a bit, there’s a nice little diner up here that we can get an early lunch at.”

“That will be fine thanks.”

“Sure ‘nuff darlin’.” And she gives me one of those hundred watt smiles of hers.

Carol is nice, too nice really. I can see that it’s going to be hard keeping my detachment around her. I don’t want to get to know these people; I especially don’t want to start liking them. These people never wanted to have anything to do with me and Mom and quite frankly at this point I didn’t really want to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately I couldn’t convince anyone back home that I could take care of myself and they ended up insisting that I go live with father.

Chapter 2

About ten minutes later we pull off the highway to what looks like some derelict building but is obviously popular based upon all of the cars and trucks in the gravel lot. There is a beat-up sign over the door that says ‘Pete’s Diner’.

We pull up in a cloud of dust and instead of fighting the door, I tell Carol that I’ll just slide across and go out her door.

Feeling proud that I didn’t break something jumping down from the truck, we go inside the diner. We pause just inside the door to let our eyes adjust then make our way over to a booth.

A harried looking waitress shows up just after we get settled and hands us a couple of menus and lays down our silverware.

“Howdy ladies, get you something to drink?”

Carol says, “Coffee with cream for me.”

Figuring that they probably don’t have a mocha latte, I say, “Iced tea, no lemon please.”

“Fine, I’ll be right back to take your order.” With that she's off again.

Looking through the menu I don’t see much that is too appealing so I decide that I’ll just stick with the chef salad.

Just as Carol closes up her menu, the waitress reappears with our drinks, mine with lemon and a bunch of seeds at the bottom of the glass. Oh well.

“Ok ladies, what’ll it be?”

Carol says, “I’ll have the chicken burrito, smothered green with a side of sour cream.”

“Um, I’ll just have the chef salad.” I say.

“All righty, it’ll be right out.” And off she goes again.

I just look out the window and I can see Carol out of the corner of my eye. She’s acting like she wants to say something but isn’t sure about how to go about it.

“Um, Angel hon?”

I turn my head and raise my eyebrow.

“Um, I want to apologize, you know for earlier.”

“For what?” I know I’m not making this easy for her but damn it, I don’t want to get close to these people.

“You know, that whole ‘gee you look like a girl’ comment. I didn’t mean nothing by it. I was just surprised is all. I’m not sure what I was expecting but a pretty little thing like you sure wasn’t it. Well, I just wanted to say I was sorry. Like I said, I do want us to be friends. Ok?”

“I accept your apology Carol; I guess I’m a little sensitive about that. Thank you.”

I turn back to looking out the window and I hear Carol sigh.

A few minutes later our lunches arrive. Carol’s lunch is this massive burrito with cheese and a green sauce bubbling all over it. It actually smells kind of good, but I could live off of that for about a week it’s so big.

This is obviously not the place to get a chef’s salad. My salad consists of a wedge of iceberg lettuce, a slice of tomato, half of a hard-boiled egg and some cheddar cheese grated over it. Oh well, it’ll fill the hole in my stomach.

We eat in comparable silence. I’m finished before she is, but not by much. I’m stunned, I can’t believe she at that whole thing.

While we’re waiting for the check, I dig through my purse trying to find some Tylenol. Fortunately I do and I wash down three of them with the last of my tea. My head feels like it’s absolutely going to explode.

Part of the problem I think is it’s so damn bright here and I don’t have any sunglasses. Couple that with the stress of traveling and well, stress in general and I’m not surprised that I have a headache.

The waitress comes and Carol grabs the check. “My treat darlin’.”

“Thanks. Um, I’m going to run next door and get a pair of sunglasses. Meet you at the truck?”

“Sure thing.”

I grab my purse and get up. I noticed a little convenience store next to the diner and I think I noticed sunglasses through the window.

I make my way on out. I figure I’ll have a bit of time as there was quite a line at the register.

I gratefully duck back into the shade of the convenience store. It’s also quite a bit cooler in here too. I go on over to the sunglass rack and find a nice dark pair. They’re pretty cheap but what do you expect for ten bucks? I decide to get two just in case and with them and cold bottle of water; I go back out to the truck.

Carol isn’t there yet and it’s hot waiting by the truck. I’m definitely going to have to get out of my top and maybe my pants too. They’re a sport outfit and it’s real comfortable to fly in but this heat is building fast and they’re getting progressively more uncomfortable to be in.

Carol soon shows up and unlocks the truck. I climb up her side and on across. Once settled, I take the jacket off and after thinking about it for a second; I pull off the pants as well. Underneath I’m wearing matching cami workout top and black shorts. Much better.

“That’s a cute little outfit there but girl you need to get you some sun. You’re white as can be.”

I give her a small smile and say, “Listen, I’m bushed from the travel and I have a splitting headache, do you mind if I just close my eyes a bit?”

“Not at all. In fact, why don’t you just lie on down on the bench here. You could use your jacket for a pillow.”

That sounds like a great idea so I make a pillow out of my jacket and pants, loosen up my seatbelt and lay on down. Before I know it, I’m fast asleep.

Chapter 3

I wake up when we leave the highway. I’m really not fully awake at this point, just in that half-dream state before fully waking up. I feel nice. There’s some soft music playing, it’s country western music which is odd since I never listen to it. There’s a soft feminine voice singing quietly along and someone is gently stroking my hair. I hug the leg my head is resting on a bit. I feel nice and safe as I drift back asleep.

A particularly strong jolt wakes me as the truck hits a pothole. Fully awake this time, I realize that I had stretched out quite a bit more than I intended and that my head is resting on Carol’s lap. Startled and a bit embarrassed, I quickly sit up.

“Well, look who decided to rejoin the world. Hey darlin’ sleep well?”

“Um yes, yes I did. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t you worry about that. It looked like you needed it. We’ll be at the house here real soon.”

Still feeling embarrassed, I rub the sleep from my eyes and take a drink of now tepid water. Looking about I see we're now in up in the mountains.

We pull onto a barely grated road and we bounce along the rutted lane for quite awhile until we top a rise. Carol stops the truck and when the cloud of dust settles around us, I see we're looking down into a beautiful valley.

"Well darlin', just a few more minutes and we'll be home."

"Nice view. Where's your place?"

"All around us, we've been driving on it for the last fifteen minutes."

Stunned, I say "the last fifteen minutes? Just how big is this place?"

"Oh all told about fifteen-hundred acres. Now keep in mind there's a fair chunk of that that is up and down as opposed to side to side and only good for the mountain goats and bighorn sheep. But it's still a respectable bit of land."

Fifteen-hundred acres? I couldn't get my head around that size; I just had no point of reference.

Carol starts back up and conversation is stopped as we bounce along the road. The tires and the kicked up rock and dirt make conversation all but impossible.

There are several times that my seatbelt saves me from smacking my head on the roof of the truck as we bounce along.

I no longer am paying much attention to the view as I hold on for dear life. On Carol's side there's mountain, on my side is what looks to be a sheer drop and Carol is going much too fast for my comfort.

Eventually we reach the valley and cross a small bridge and the road is much better. I have to consciously loosen my grip on the armrest though.

About ten minutes later I begin to see the ranch buildings. This place is a lot bigger than I thought. There are several buildings that look like barns and on the bluff overlooking everything is a sprawling ranch style house.

Out in the pastures I see horses and cows. Around the buildings several people working at various tasks.

As Carol approaches some look up and immediately start waving at us. Carol honks the horn and waves back as we speed by and up the road to the main house.

We pull up under the shade of a huge tree and stop.

"Well darlin' here we are. Home sweet home and we made it here all in one piece."

She opens her door and I shakily crawl across and hop down.

I'm looking at the impressive house. It has a deep shaded porch and much of it is built out of what look like whole trees. A real log cabin but an impressive one. It looks like there are a ton of rooms in this place.

"Oh no! Dang nab it no!"

Turning around to see what Carol is all upset about, I can't figure it out at first. Then I see it. One of my suitcases had popped open and my stuff is all over the back of the truck. Looking back the way we just came I see articles of my clothing leading back up the road and disappearing in the distance.

"No!"

I run to the back of the truck and take the blouse Carol is holding. Then seeing a slip about ten feet away I run to that and pick it up out of the dirt.

"Damn it. Would you look at this?"

I'm practically in tears as I go over to the next article of clothing and pick it up.

Carol is saying she's sorry and swearing under her breath but I'm just too upset to pay attention to her.

A minute later a small very stocky Hispanic man comes jogging up and hands me an armload of clothes.

"Seá±orita, aquá­ tienes."

"Thank you." I say absently, and then I break down and start crying. This has all just been too much and this is the last straw.

Someone is soon next to me and has their arm around me leading me up to the house. I don't even know who it is as I bury my face in my torn, dirty clothes and cry.

Chapter 4

The sound of a door softly closing wakes me up. At first I'm disoriented, not knowing where I am or how I got here. Then I remember and the thought of all my clothes lost and scattered along the highway starts me crying again.

I try to get myself under control as I hear Carol's voice outside the door.

"Selma and Fernando have everything under control, let them handle it. You need to get something to eat, you need some rest and most of all you need to meet your daughter."

I can't make out the response from, I assume my father, but it's not hard to figure out from Carol's angry reply.

"She is yours you fool and she looks more like a girl than many born that way."

". . . . . "

"You haven't seen her. If that's a boy, I'm Chief Ouray. At least come take a look at her, she's purtier than a mornin' dove.”

". . . . ."

"That's not fair and that's not the reason. Damn it Bill, you stubborn assed mule. That little thing in there has been through hell and I'll be damn if I'll . . . ."

I couldn't make out the rest as they move away.

So father dear doesn't want me here. That's not a big surprise. I wonder why he said yes then. It can't be for money. Given how big this place is it doesn't look like he needs it and besides, Mom wasn't all that rich and most of what she had was put into a trust fund for me. He could have refused. Had he done that, I'd have just stayed in the group home for the next year or so.

Oh I feel so alone. Mom, why did you leave me? I don't know how I'm going to make it here. They told me that this is what you wanted but I can't believe that. Why mom, why?

Once I get my crying back under control I realize that I'm starving. I really need to get something to eat. After that, well we'll see. First food, no strike that. First the bathroom then food.

The room is fairly dark but there is enough light coming from under the door to see that there is a bedside lamp. Turning it on I find that I'm in a rather large bedroom on a big four-poster bed. There's a dresser, makeup vanity with mirror, and a couple of chairs on either side of a fireplace. Everything is very western, which I guess shouldn't be too much of a surprise. The room has a distinct feminine feel to it though and I wonder whose it is.

Tossing back the blanket someone put over me; I swing my legs over the side of the bed and hop down. There are plenty of beautiful thick rugs all across the tile floor and heading to an open door; I hope to find the bathroom.

I do and turning on the light I see it's a rather nice one too. I quickly take care of business then looking in the mirror I can't believe how I look. I have a perfect face for Halloween. My eyes are red and puffy, my makeup is almost completely gone and what little remains makes me look like an extra in a zombie movie.

I wash my face and look and feel much better. Looking around though I don't see any towels. Wonderful.

Back in the bedroom the corner of the bed sheet takes over for a towel. With that done I look around for my shoes. Spotting them next to one of the chairs I go over and quickly put them on. The need for food is getting stronger as my stomach is now on continual growl mode.

Squaring my shoulders and steeling myself for a confrontation with father dear, I promise myself to not cry, not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. If at all possible I'll ignore him.

Carol, I'll deal with her. She doesn't seem to have a problem with me and even said she'd like to be friends. While I don't know if I can dare be friends with anyone here, she does seem nice and I'll at least need someone to occasionally talk to.

Reaching out, I open the door and step into a hallway.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 2

Chapter 5

To the right seems to lead further back into the house. My left seems to lead out to the living areas.

I hesitantly make my way out and rounding a corner I find myself in the living room. Carol is curled up in a big chair doing some sewing and looks up as I come in.

“Hey darlin’, are you feeling any better now?”

“Yea, a bit I guess.”

“Well I’m not surprised you getting all upset and all. I would have too, but don’t you worry, I think we found everything and the last of it will be coming out of the dryer real soon.”

I was immensely relieved. “Thank you Carol, thank you so much. That makes me feel a lot better.”

“And this should too. It looks like most everything just got a bit dirty except a couple of pair of hose and these jeans which got all torn up somehow. We can replace the hose and I just got finished sewing up the tears in the jeans. Here ya go hon.”

I take the jeans from her and look at what she’s done. I’m stunned; each tear has been carefully and very neatly sewn up. She did a beautiful job. My hundred and thirty dollar designer jeans that were oh so artfully cut and torn are now all sewn up.

After everything else that’s happened, the only thing I can do is to start to giggle. Soon I am laughing and I’m not too sure I can stop.

“What is it? What’s so funny?”

Getting myself under a bit more control I tell her, “The jeans, they came that way. I bought them like that.”

Carol’s eyes get bigger with the realization and soon she is joining me and we’re both laughing until our sides are hurting.

Carol is looking past me and stops laughing. Calming down I turn to see what she’s looking at and see a very tall handsome man standing in the doorway. I feel like someone just threw a bucket of cold water on me. This must be my father.

“Bill, there you are. Come on in and meet your daughter. Angel honey, this here’s your daddy.”

There’s tightness around the eyes; you can tell he’s not happy.

“A daughter, humph. Carol will see that you’re settled proper in your room. If you need anything, see her.”

I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe there was a part of me that was hoping that everything had been a mistake and he’d see me and it would all be like a story book. Well it is, a story book written by Steven King. The coldness in his tone and the black look in his eyes put an end to any hope I might have been harboring.

Carol’s looking worriedly back and forth between us. As father starts to turn to leave, I say in as a cold and emotionless voice as I can, “Bill, if you didn’t want me here, why tell everyone you did?”

“Now Angel hon, that’s your daddy, you shouldn’t talk like that,” says an increasingly worried sounding Carol.

Not taking my eyes off of him, I say “no Carol, you’re wrong, he might have fathered me, but he’s not my 'daddy'. Daddies don’t abandon their three year old child and nineteen year old wife and never even attempt to––never mind. He might be my father, but he sure isn’t my daddy.”

With that, I turn my back on him and look out the window at the lengthening shadows. Soon I hear a door slam behind me and the tension in me suddenly is released. Turning I fling myself into Carol’s arms and cry.

Holding me and stroking my hair, Carol says “I don’t know what else you got from him, but you surely got his temper. Give him time Angel honey, he’ll come around. This is all new to him too and though he’ll never admit it, I think he’s scared.”

“But why Carol, why bring me out here if he doesn’t want me?”

“Oh darlin’, every journey starts with a first step. Give it time; it’ll be fine, you’ll see. Now I bet you’re hungry. Dinner isn’t for another hour or so but I bet we can rustle you up a little something to hold you over ‘till then. Come with me.”

Chapter 6

Carol’s idea of ‘a little something’ turns out to be a lot like my idea of a full meal. We go into the kitchen and Carol pulls out enough food to feed an army. I have to stop her and I end up fixing a small chicken sandwich and finish with a peach and a large glass of lemonade.

“Are you sure you’ve had enough? Doesn’t seem like you eat more than a little bird.”

“Oh that was plenty, thank you. I only hope I didn’t eat too much and spoil dinner.”

“No wonder you’re so tiny.” She says with a smile.

Smiling back I ask, “Carol, where’s my stuff? I’d like to change into something more than these shorts and top.”

“Well, right now they’re all in the laundry room. I wanted to show you around and give you your choice of rooms. Then we can move your things in. Come on.”

With that we get up and head down the back hallway.

“Carol, whose room was I in?”

“Oh that was one of the guest rooms. You can take it if you want to but I think you might be more comfortable in one of these, they’re a bit more private.”

The first room that Carol showed me was very nice. The furniture was very much like what was in the guest room but the room was slightly smaller, done in cool blues and there was no bathroom.

“Now this one is kinda nice. The bathroom is right next door and um . . . . . your daddy’s room is across the hall.”

At that I stiffen. I’d rather sleep in the barn than close to him. We leave that room and go down and round the hall.

“Jiminy Carol, this place is huge.”

Chuckling Carol says, “Yea, it’s a big rambling place. Seems like each generation adds on to it just a bit. It used to be a bear to heat but just two years ago we did some major upgrades and it’s not so bad now.

Now here is the room that I thought you might like the best.”

Opening the door she ushers me into the room. The site makes me catch my breath. The room is beautiful. It’s all done in whites, pale blues and pale pinks. Now this is a girl’s room.

The furniture is all done in bleached wood and the bed is an actual canopy bed. I’ve always wanted one of those.

“Oh Carol, this is so pretty. Whose is it?”

“Yours if you want it. It’s one I had awhile back. Let me show you around. Over here is a little sitting room that looks out over a little garden area. This door is to your closet and if you go on through to this here other door, here’s the bathroom.

I’m afraid you don’t get the bathroom all to yourself, through this door is my room. We share the bathroom and that little sitting room. What do you think?”

As she’s talking we’re walking around and are back at the sitting room. It’s a cozy little room with a couple of big soft chairs and a little fireplace.

Turning to Carol I say, “It’s perfect Carol. I’ll take this one if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok. Let’s go get your things. I thought you might like it.”

I can tell that Carol wants to give me a hug and quite frankly I really want to get one. I hesitantly move towards her and with a smile she opens her arms and we’re hugging. It feels so nice being in her arms and being held. I guess I’m not very good at the tough guy act.

“Thank you Carol. Thank you for all you’ve done and well, all you’re doing. I’m not sure why you’re doing all of this for me, but I do appreciate it.”

“Why I’m doing this? Why darlin’ I told you, we’re family.”

With one more quick hug, we’re off to track down my stuff. Hugging Carol is nice but I feel like I’m ten again. Carol’s so tall that my head barely comes up to her chest and her chest is big enough that if she hugs me too long I’d be in serious danger of suffocation. But it’s nice.

There hasn’t been anyone to just get a hug from since Mom died. Oh Maggie, my therapist, helped me out tons to get through things until I came out here, but Carol is right, there’s something special about family. I really don’t know how I can keep my promise to myself in not getting close to these people. Well Father won’t be a problem, but Carol? No, it may already be too late for that.

Chapter 7

We grab my bags and I load up with them while Carol fills her arms up with my piles of clean clothes. Once back in my room I tell her to just set them on the bed.

As she helps me put things away, I put aside my now ‘repaired’ jeans, a nice pullover blouse and some clean underwear.

“Carol I can finish this up later. Right now I thought I’d just take a quick shower and wash the travel grim off of me. Ok?”

“It’s not a problem honey, you go right ahead.”

“Thanks.”

I grab my makeup case and go on into the bathroom and start the shower. Carol has shampoo and conditioner in here already so I just grab my razor. I don’t really need to use it much, thank god, but I hate body hair and just want to touch up things a bit.

I give myself a critical look in the mirror. Not too shabby. My figure isn’t too bad, the orchestra is nice but I could do with a larger balcony. My hair is my best feature. It’s long, thick and wavy, though I’m always toying with giving it some color. It’s beyond bleach blonde. Given how dark father is, I must have gotten it from Mom, but even though she was blonde, she wasn’t this blonde. The face could do with some work, especially the nose, but the mouth isn’t too bad. Carol’s right, I am pale but I think it looks good on me. Besides, I never seem to tan, just burn and whenever I’ve tried a bronzer any bronzer, I turn orange. I do not look good in orange, especially orange skin.

Looking further south I tell myself that my little ambiguity won’t be a problem in another year. Maybe I can have them work on the nose and boobs at the same time? Nah, not the boobs, Mom said she was a late bloomer and I’d hate to get them just the size I wanted then have a growing spurt. That would suck.

I step into the shower, it’s nice and big and the water pressure is divine. I hate wimpy water pressure. I quickly soap up and discover why Carol smells so nice, it’s this soap. I’m not sure of the brand, but it’s really nice. A quick run over everything with the razor then a rinse and that’s done. Now for the more daunting task of washing my hair. I really like having long hair; I just wish it wasn’t such a pain in the you-know-what to take care of.

I turn off the water and as I wring the water out of my hair, I notice that I don’t have any towels. Just as I’m about to call out to Carol, there’s a knock on the door.

Carol says from the other side of the door, “I just realized you might need some towels, can I come in?”

“Thanks.”

Carol comes on in with a stack of towels and hands me the top one. “Here ya go darlin’.”

I bend over and wrap my hair up and when I stand up, I notice Carol looking me over.

“I was right; you are a pretty little thing. Now turn around and I’ll dry your back.”

I’m a little bit surprised by her reaction. I thought that she’d be at least passing curious by my condition but she paid it no mind.

“There ya go darlin’. Now come get dressed so we can finish up with putting your belongings away. I want to finish giving you the tour around the house and introduce you to some folks.

We go back out to my room and I start to get dressed.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what are your plans for, ah your ah . . . . “

“Birth defect?”

“Um, yea. If it’s none of my business, just tell me to butt out. I’m just curious is all.”

“Oh I don’t mind. Hopefully in another year, I can have my operation. Mom set up a trust fund for me and I’ve been working with my doctors to make sure all is in place to have it done.”

“After that, no more reminders right?”

“Of my birth gender? Well physically that’s kinda true, however I’ll still have to take hormones and there’s a couple of other things that won’t be real pleasant from what I hear that I’ll need to do. Actually I’ll have more things to do afterwards than I do now because thankfully I don’t have to take blockers right now but that would change anyway after the operation. Plus I’ll never be able to have kids of my own. Course, that’s not a problem right now, but someday it might have been nice.”

“Blockers, what are they?”

“Well normally I’d need to take something to block the male hormones from doing their thing, but that’s not a problem for me anymore.”

“Why not?”

Smiling I say, “You weren’t paying much attention before I put my underwear on were you?”

“Well I didn’t want to stare or anything.”

“No maracas.”

“What?”

“No testicles, I’m gelded.”

“What! How on earth?”

Holding up my arms side-by-side in front of me, I say, “See my arm, how the left one is slightly bent?”

“Yes.”

“That happened at the same time. Some kids I knew a couple of years ago found out about me. One of them was a boy that, well let’s just say we were a little curious about each other. Anyway, they found out and felt that I needed to be taught a lesson or something. So one day they beat the crap out of me. That boy? Well he broke my arm. When I was lying on the ground, his little sister proceeded to kick me repeatedly in the groin, even after I was unconscious. The result was two ruptured testicles and a long painful hospital stay. Nothing could be saved so they removed them.

It turns out that little lemon turned into lemonade for me. Now I don’t need the blockers.

“Oh my god, you poor thing. How could they?”

“As I said, I’m different. People don’t like what they don’t understand and they don’t understand someone being born physically one gender but being the other gender in their mind, heart and soul and wanting to change the body to fit the soul. It scares some. Heck, I don’t understand it and I have a far better perspective on it than most. It scares me too sometimes.

Just ask your brother. To him I’m a freak, a slur on his manhood or some such crap.”

“Oh darlin’, he’s not . . .”

“Carol stop.” I finish dressing and continue. “Carol, why am I here?”

“Why darlin’, I told you. We’re family.”

“That might have worked the first time but it doesn’t wash now. Carol your brother, my father, doesn’t want me here and he’s royally pissed off that I am. So why am I here? He didn’t send for me did he?”

Looking much like I did the time Mom caught me using all of her best perfume to scent my bubble bath, Carol says, “No, no he didn’t.”

“Was it you?”

“Yes.”

“Why? Why after all these years. Especially why when it’s so obvious that he hates me?”

“Oh darlin’ he doesn’t hate you, there’s something else goin’ on there and I’m not sure what it is. As to why after all these years, well, I just learned about you a year ago myself.”

“What? How?”

“Your mamma. She got in contact with us. It turns out she had been trying to reach us for some time, but your daddy wouldn’t call her back.

See we, none of us, knew about you. When your daddy moved back here he was different, darker. As much as we all tried, he would never talk about what happened and he never mentioned you.

When your momma got sick, and when she realized she wasn’t going to get better, she felt you should be with family.

Your daddy was off up north on some business when a registered letter came. Thinking it was something to do with the ranch, I opened it and it was a letter from your mamma. I called her right away and that first time, I think we talked for hours. That was also the first time I heard about you. Anyway, I agreed with your momma that you needed to be with family so I promised that I’d do all I could to get your daddy to take you in.

Well, here you are.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to make of all of this. I was staring down at my feet trying to take in all I had just heard.

“Um, so he really never wanted me here, I’m only here because he’s being forced to take me.”

Taking a shaky breath I say, “Ok, that’s ok. If I can use your phone tomorrow, I need to call the storage company so they don’t ship my stuff out here. Um, I’ll also need to call Mom’s lawyers to see what I need to do to move back there. I, ah I guess I’ll need to get a plane ticket or something too. Ah . . .”

“Oh darlin’ no, no darlin’ no.” And the next thing I know I’m wrapped in Carol’s arms and it’s taking everything I have not to cry. I feel like a guitar string wound too tight, I’m that wound up.

“This is where you need to be darlin’. Give it time, give him time. Please sweetie, I haven’t known you for even a whole day and I already care so much for you. Don’t go darlin’, please. Give it time, please?”

My hands are clinched so hard my nails are cutting into my palms. It’s taking everything I have to hold myself together.

“I, I can’t call anyone tonight. L-let me think, think on it. Ok? Right now, I’d really like to be alone. P-please?”

“Sure, but I’m just on the other side of the door if you need me. I’m here for you Angel.”

After Carol leaves and closes the door, I go over to my pack and pull out the picture I have of Mom and me when were visiting Ellis Island. We had a stranger on the ferry take it for us. We’re up against the rail with the Statue of Liberty behind us and we’re hugging each other. It was just before Mom told me about the cancer.

I take it and hugging it to my chest I curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep. It takes a long time.

Chapter 8

All my life I’ve had nightmares and they’ve always been variations of the same one. See there are these creatures that are made out of blackness and they kind of look like a sheet flapping in the wind. In fact, there’s been any number of times that on seeing a dark sheet drying on a close line I would freeze in place with fear. These things fly along by flapping and I know, just know that if they reach me and cover me, I’ll die. I call them black flyers.

It used to be that they’d remain in the background of my dreams or while I’m awake I’d catch them out of the corner of my eye. About the time that I started being a girl full time, they got bolder in my dreams and would come closer to me. All they touched in my dreams died. If for instance I was dreaming about let’s say a field of flowers, they would show up and wherever they passed, the flowers would wither and die. While awake, I’d just catch them moving out of the corner of my eye but when I turned my head they’d disappear.

Maggie my therapist tells me they aren’t real, that they’re just a manifestation of the fear I feel in transitioning. I don’t think so, but she’s supposed to be the expert.

Since Mom died, they’ve been bolder. I haven’t told anyone about the change in their behavior, figuring that they’ll just attribute it to my being upset about Mom dying. Maybe they’d be right. They feel real to me.

One time a black flyer just brushed by me, lightly touching my arm in my dream. I cried out and when I woke up, my arm was cold and numb and I could hardly move my fingers for the first hour or so after waking.

When I have a black flyer nightmare, I know I’m dreaming. I know it, but I can’t wake up. Tonight I have another, and there are more of them in it.

It’s bad. I’m running down deserted streets. In the deepest shadows, eyes appear and follow me as a run. Looking back I catch movement flitting from shadow to shadow, getting closer and closer no matter how hard I run. Soon there are others on either side of me and they start to move closer.

Weeping in fear, I turn down a street only to find that it’s a dead end. I stop and when I turn, the exit to the street is completely blocked by the flyers. As they flit closer and closer I retreat until my back is to a cold wet wall.

They continue to get closer and I’m cowering, whimpering in fear. A large rat darts across the alley but is caught by one of the shadows. There’s a high pitched squeal then nothing. When the shadow retreats the rat is laying there dead. Its once bloated body shriveled and wrinkled. That’s what is going to happen to me, I just know it. Occasionally a tendril like a finger of black smoke will whip out closer to me, making me flinch. I can feel that these creatures enjoy my terror. Each whimper, each cry makes them stronger but I can’t stop. They take pleasure in tormenting me.

There is a flyer, larger than the others and as it approaches the others give way. It towers over me and I know that it is preparing to cover me; I know that I’m going to die this time. But just as it seems that it is going to strike, I hear the sound of a crow. The sound seems to make them recoil. Each caw makes them flinch and pull back a bit more.

No longer are they pressing in on me quite so close. Unbelievably, they begin retreating. The sound of the crow is getting closer. The cawing of the bird is mixing with the whimpers coming from me.

The next thing I know, there is a large black bird between me and the black flyers, its blue-black feathers glitter in the subdued lighting. The cawing of the bird sounds almost like a challenge. The shadows retreat and finally disappear.

The bird turns towards me, one shiny black eye looking me over. It hops upon my shoulder and the terror that fills me lessens. Its large beak preens my hair and soon my whimpering stops.

It almost seems to me that I hear the crow whispering to me as normal sleep finally takes over.

Part 3

Chapter 9

I wake up feeling safe and warm. I’m under the covers and there’s someone under there with me. After a second or two to gather my thoughts, I realize it must be Carol.

She’s beginning to stir, that may be what woke me up, and she is slowly pulling her arm from around me. I can tell she is trying to not wake me so I just lay still. She must have covered me up and joined me when I had my nightmare. Is she my crow from the dream? Is that why things changed?

I watch through slitted eyes as she gets up and re-tucks the covers around me. She then leans down and kisses me on my forehead and tiptoes back to her room.

After she leaves, I just lay there thinking. What am I going to do? I really don’t want to go back to New York and the group home. Heck, I don’t even know if that’s possible now. Father sure doesn’t want me here, but Carol does. I really like her too. If it wasn’t for Bill, I’m not sure if I can continue to call him father, if it wasn’t for him, this wouldn’t be so bad.

As I lay there trying to figure out my options, I slowly fall back asleep.

The sound of an overly enthusiastic song bird wakes me back up. Opening my eyes I look out the window and see a lovely little garden. The sun is well up and looking at my watch, I see it’s just past nine-thirty.

I get out of bed and snap up my jeans and slip on my sneakers. I notice that while I slept, Carol must have put the remainder of my stuff away. The picture of Mom and me is on the side table next to the bed.

I go into the bathroom and am greeted by a frightful sight. Last night I hadn’t braided my hair before bed and I now look like I’ve spent the night with my finger in the wall socket.

Sighing, I grab my brush and start the tedious process of getting all the knots out of my hair. With a short break to answer nature’s call, I finally get my hair all unknotted and in a braid just before ten.

With my stomach growling, I head off to the kitchen in search of food and Carol.

When I get there I start looking around to see if I can’t find some cereal or toast or something. As I’m looking through a cupboard, a strange voice from behind me says, ”May I help you find something?”

Startled, I spin around and am greeted by a young lady with ginger colored hair pulled back in a bun and wearing a yellow tank dress.

“Oh, um, I was just looking for something to eat.”

“You must be Angel. I’m Judy and I do most of the cooking and general housework around this zoo. Carol told me you’d be sleeping in a bit, that you had a busy day yesterday. So what can I fix you?”

Judy is very pleasant and her smile is infectious. Returning it, I say, “Just a bit of toast would be nice. Thank you.”

“If you want, there’s juice in the fridge. Will an English muffin be ok? Oh and glasses are in that cabinet.”

Getting a glass, I tell her an English muffin would be nice and I get my juice. Noticing a jar of orange marmalade, I grab that too.

“Do you happen to know where Carol is?”

She should be down by the birthing barn. It’s just past the big barn if you’re going down there.”

“Birthing barn?”

“Yea, we have a separate facility for when the mares are about to foal. The stalls are larger and easier to work in. There is a couple about to drop any time now.”

Judy hands me my toasted muffin and I spread the marmalade all over it. Taking a bite, I’m thinking that this is really good marmalade. It looks to be home made.

Finishing up, I hand Judy my plate and thank her.

“Lunch in two hours, let them know down there will you? They tend to lose track of time sometimes.”

“I will. Thank you again Judy.”

I step out onto the porch and immediately go back inside, it’s darn chilly out there, and bright. I run back to my room and grab my jacket and sunglasses.

Back outside, I start off the porch and down the hill to the barns. Looking off to my left I see horses in the near pasture. I’ve always loved horses, not that I’ve had a lot of experience around them. There aren’t that many in New York City, but I think all girls at least go through a stage where they’re horse crazy.

I decide to detour to the fence line, hoping that I can entice one of the horses nearer. They’re beautiful animals. They all are different colors but they all also have spots, some have them all over, most just on their hindquarters.

As I walk along, something hits me lightly on the shoulder. Looking around, I don’t see anything and continue on my way. I climb up on the fence and start to make clicking noises hoping to get one of the horses to come over. As I’m sitting on the fence, again something strikes me on the shoulder. Looking down, I see a small pebble land in the grass.

I look around but there is no one around and there isn’t anywhere for someone to hide either.

I get entranced watching two horses play with each other. It looks like they’re playing tag. One will chase the other, then they’ll switch. The next thing I know, Carol is next to me.

“Fun to watch aren’t they?”

“Yes they are. It looks like they’re having a fun time.”

“Horses are very sociable animals. They love to play and I find them very smart, especially ours. Appaloosas are one of the smartest of the breeds, and ours have a good bit of Arabian in them too.”

“So these are Appaloosas.”

“Yes ma’am, and some of the finest you’ll find anywhere, if I do say so myself.”

Carol is giving me another of her mega watt smiles and I can’t help but smile back.

“Oh, Judy wanted me to remind you that lunch is at noon and that’s not that far off.”

Chuckling Carol says, “She is constantly after us for missing meals.”

At that point something hits me right on top of my head.

“Hey!” And I spin around. Nothing there.

“What’s wrong Angel?”

“I keep getting hit with stuff but no one is there.”

We’re both turning and looking around when something drops right in front of me. Looking up, there’s this crow on the light pole over our heads.

“I think it’s that crow. I just saw something fall from there.”

“That’s no crow, that’s Edgar. He’s a raven.”

“Edgar?”

“We have a few ravens around here on the ranch. This one is Edgar and he’s a little prankster. Aren’t you Edgar?”

The raven lets out a “kraa, kraa” and flies off.

“So what’s the difference between a crow and a raven?”

“Well a crow is smaller and its feathers are a flat black, the body is rounder too. The raven is quite a bit larger. Its feathers are a glossy blue-black and they’re very intelligent. Some have been taught to talk like a parrot. They’re very lucky birds to have around.

My animal spirit guide is the raven.”

“Animal spirit guide?”

“You know we’re part American Indian right?”

“No, but it does explain a lot now that you mention it.”

“Ok, well we are. We’ll get deeper into family history later; in fact Daddy would be best for that. If he ever shows back up that is. Anyway, in part of our culture is the spirit guide. Mine is the raven, your father has the fox as his and Daddy’s is the wolf.”

“Do I have one?”

“I’m sure you do, the trick is finding it. Daddy can help with that.”

“Where is he?”

“Oh he’s off up in the hills communing with nature. He should show up here any time.”

“So why is Edgar hitting me with rocks?”

“Oh they aren’t rocks, just little ‘ol pebbles. It’s just his way of saying howdy and welcome. He obviously likes you. Give it some time and he’ll even eat from your hand.”

There’s a “toc, toc, toc” sound coming from the tree where Edgar flew to.

“Come on; let me give you the nickel tour.”

As we head off down towards the barn, I start thinking about last night’s nightmare. I’m assuming now that it wasn’t a crow but a raven in my dream and that Carol is the raven. But how did she get into the dream? That’s never happened before.

Before I can think any more on this we get to the main barn and Carol is explaining everything she can to me. When we were done, my head is spinning. There are several barns and as to livestock, well the main business is raising horses and cattle (not cows as I was reminded). We also have chickens, goats; we do have a couple of cows, also some pigs, a large vegetable garden and the list keeps going on. It’s going to take some time to process everything.

Our place is part of a regional coop apparently. By several ranches combining through a coop both our buying and selling power is increased. We also share grazing land and help each other out during round ups and such.

It’s all a bit over my head.

By time we were done with the tour its lunch time, so we swing by the barns to remind everyone that lunch is ready. We then go up to the house and to a wing of the house that I hadn’t been shown yet. It’s a huge hall with enough table space for about thirty people.

“Wow Carol, how many people work here?”

“Right now, only ten, including family. There are times when we’ll have as many as twenty-five or thirty on the payroll and others as few as five or six.

Come on, it’s serve yourself and first come, first served. If you’re too late you get the scraps and might have to fight the pigs for it.”

Chapter 10

After a great lunch of pulled-beef sandwiches and potato salad, I ask Carol if we can visit the birthing barn.

“After our errands, I noticed you don’t have any suitable boots or jeans for that matter. I thought we’d run into town. We also need to pick up a package and a couple other little things. Let’s go get our purses and get this done, then we can go down to the barn. Maybe Selma will be back by then. I want you to meet her; she’s our vet and one of my best friends.”

An hour later we were in the thriving community of Montrose. After living all my life in New York City, some of these towns look absolutely tiny. Montrose is a nice little place though and I have yet to see any scenery that you could complain about. I guess my only complaint is its so darn ‘open’ around here. I’m used to being able to only see a couple of blocks, out here you can see for miles. It doesn’t feel natural somehow.

Our first stop is the western store. It’s not quite like the stores back east. Here you can get anything from clothing to gear for your horse. The first thing we do is find me some boots.

I found out earlier that running shoes are not suitable for wearing around a barn or any large animals. I'm having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of what exactly I stepped in. Eww, gross. Carol just laughed at me and my 'shake the poo off the shoe' dance.

So I end up getting a nice rough out pair of Tony Lamas cowboy boots in grey. Then off to find me some jeans. These range from a looser fitted blue jean to some that are a bit more form fitting, two of these are in grey denim and fit me like a second skin.

As I’m checking out the fit of these jeans in the mirror, Carol starts to chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are, you’re preening like a peacock.”

“Hey, I might not be an Amazon goddess like you but I’ll be the first to admit that I have a nice ass. I figure if you got it, flaunt it.” I start giggling along with Carol.

“Well you got it, and you sure are flaunting it, and I am not some Amazon goddess.”

“I take it you’ve never actually looked in any mirrors then. Carol, I could be dancing on the tables topless and in a g-string and if you were there too, no one would even look at me. Don’t give me that false modesty act, you know good and well that you’re beautiful.”

“Yea, maybe so darlin’ but I wouldn’t be so sure about you not getting noticed if you were dancing topless in a g-string. You’re no slouch in the looks department yourself.”

“Let’s face it Carol, we’re just too damn good looking, all the other women don’t have a chance with us around.”

That gets us giggling all over again.

After deciding on the jeans, Carol picks me out some western style shirts; some for work, some more ‘fancy’ as Carol says. One is very cute. It’s pale pink with white piping and grey pearl snaps. Still, this whole 'country' look is new to me and is going to take a bit of getting used to.

When we have everything, Carol says, “One last stop. No self-respecting cowgirl would be complete without a hat. You’re going to need a straw one for the summer and a felt one for winter and get togethers and all.”

So I got the hats too and now look like a true western gal. At this statement Carol starts to laugh.

“What?”

“Darlin’, you aren’t there yet but you’re getting there. It’s a start at least.”

After loading my stuff in the back seat of the truck and giving Carol a stern glare for even suggesting we put my stuff in the bed of the truck, we head over to pick up Carol’s package.

With all that done, we run in to the ice cream shop for a couple of cones then head on back to the ranch.

Chapter 11

We get on back to the ranch and unload all my new plunder. I’m just finishing putting away the last of it when Carol calls me into our sitting room. In front of her is the opened package and she’s just finishing up reading a letter.

“What’s up?”

“Here, read this,” and she hands me the letter. It’s from my Mom.

Dear Carol and my sweet Angel,

By now the two of you have met and I bet there are a ton of questions. Hopefully this package will answer them for you.

Please watch the video on the enclosed CD first and please do so together. It will explain much.

Thank you again Carol for all you are doing, and please take care of my baby for me.

Angel, my sweet little girl, I love you so. I do so hope you and Carol get along, she seems like one of the good ones. I’m sorry I never got the chance to meet her in person.

Take care of yourself baby and always know that I love you and will be looking over you.

Forever, Mom

With tears running down my face I whisper, “I love you too Mom, I miss you so much.”

Suddenly Carol is there and holding me while I finish crying.

“Darlin’, want a suggestion?”

“What’s that?”

“Let’s watch this tonight after dinner. I reckon neither one of us will feel up to much of anything afterwards. That way we can just go to bed afterwards.”

“That’s probably not a bad idea. I can probably guarantee that I’m going to be pretty worthless after wards, especially if Mom is on the video.”

“Ok then, that’s what we’ll do. For now though, let’s go on down to the birthing barn. I want to check on the mares and introduce you to some people.”

“Ok.”

“First though, I can’t let you go out looking like that. Go on and blow your nose and wash your face then meet me in your room.”

“Am I that bad?” I say smiling.

“Hmm, you’re moderately splotchy. You seem to get that way when you cry.”

“The curse of a fair complexion. I’ve always been that way.”

I go into the bathroom and blow my nose and give my face a quick wash. Looking at myself in the mirror I figure I could do with a bit of color so I quickly put on a bit of blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of mascara. Satisfied, I go back out to my room.

Carol’s there and hands me a bag. Inside is a tooled leather belt with silver and turquoise on it and a big silver buckle with a large polished turquoise in the center. Also in there is silver hat band.

“Carol, these are so nice, thank you.” I go and give her a big hug. “Thank you for everything, not just these.”

“You’re welcome darlin’, that ought to complete the look for ya. The hat band is for your good hat. Grab your straw one and let’s get.”

I put the belt on and grab my hat and off we go.

Once outside, we make our way down to the birthing barn. During my tour we went by it but didn’t go in.

Inside there are only six stalls and a couple larger areas. Currently there are three stalls occupied. There’s a group of people at one of the stalls, one of them is father dear. He turns at our entrance but turns right back with his back to us after a quick sneer.

“Well hon, as you can see, we have six large stalls here but we can actually handle up to ten in a pinch. We haven’t had to do that yet, knock on wood, but we can if needed. Right now the mares we have in here are Delilah, Molly and Flower. Don’t laugh, we give everyone a chance to name a new foal and as a result we can get some interesting names.

Flower is down there on the end and she’s going to drop just any minute. We’ll check in with Selma when we get down there. Delilah here isn’t due for another week and this bad girl is Molly.”

“Bad girl?”

“Yes. She’s far too old to be dropping a foal but couldn’t seem to say no to men folk. That’s why she’s in here where we can keep a closer eye on her. She isn’t due for another month but at her age we need to keep a close eye on her.

How you feeling Molly girl? Holding up ok?”

Molly comes over to the stall door and sticks her head out. She gives a soft wicker as Carol starts rubbing her between the eyes and up to between her ears.

“She’s beautiful Carol.”

And she is too. Her front, I’d say three quarters, is almost solid black but her rump and hind legs are white with black spots all over.

“Come on over darlin’ and say hello, she won’t bite. Molly doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Do you girl?”

Another soft wicker is Molly’s reply.

Tentatively I go over and hold up my hand. I really feel tiny next to this large animal. Molly puts her nose against my hand and moves it around.

“Oh Carol, it’s like touching velvet. Hey there Molly, my name’s Angel. Can we be friends?”

Like she knew just what I said, Molly bobs her head up and down as if to say ‘yes’.

“Come on, help me out with her. I want to give her a quick look and it looks like she needs to have some fresh water.”

Carol opens the stall door and goes inside.

“Ok girl, back up a bit. Come on Angel, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Despite Carol’s assurances, I do feel nervous as I enter the stall.

“Just talk to her or pet her so she can keep track of you. You’ll be fine.”

“Easy for you to say, if she side steps I’ll be squished like a bug.”

“Nonsense. See, she likes you.”

Molly had turned her head and lowered it and I was giving her a good scratch between the ears.

“Her belly looks so big.”

“Yeah, that’s another reason we have her in here. It looks like she’s going to have a big one. That could mean trouble during the birth.”

“I thought you were leaving.”

Carol and I both turn and there’s father dear at the stall door looking pissed. If looks could kill etcetera.

“Why father dear, whatever gave you that idea? I simply love it here.”

His eyes tighten and it looks like he wants to say something but then stops himself. I just smile at him though I feel scared. There’s a darkness behind his eyes that frightens me.

At my grin, Father steps towards me. I don’t know what he’s going to do because Molly suddenly lets out a deep almost squeal and hits him dead center of his chest with her head.

Father is forced back several steps and has a very surprised look on his face. As he comes forward again, Molly starts to snap her teeth at him like ‘take one more step mister and I’ll remove something important’.

Meanwhile I’ve retreated to the far corner of the stall behind Carol. Father gives me one last weathering glare and storms off.

“What in the blazes was all that?” Says Carol.

Molly, her skin still twitching begins to calm down with Carol rubbing her coat and talking with her. Molly turns her head back to me as if to say ‘you ok?’

“Thanks Molly.” And shakily I move back to her and start to rub her head again.

“She’s never acted like that before; it was like she was protecting you. She and Bill have always gotten along together.”

“What did I do Carol? He’s so angry at me.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong darlin’ but I do know that you didn’t do anything.”

Carol gives me a hug and at that point two other people come up to the stall.

“Carol, what came over Molly here?” Asks the woman.

“I’m not really sure; maybe the pregnancy is putting a strain on her. Selma, I want to introduce you to Angel. Angel, this is my best friend Selma and her brother Fernando. Selma and Fernando keep all the animals around here healthy and happy.”

We all say hello. Selma is a tall very attractive woman of about twenty-five or so. She has dark eyes and dark brown hair just long enough to pull back into a ponytail. Her brother Fernando looks to be in his thirties and is shorter, about five foot nine or ten, but he’s got muscles on his muscles. This guy is the proverbial brick outhouse. He has light brown eyes and a face that looks like it was carved out of granite. He’d be frightening except for his large smile and laughing eyes. His long black hair is in a ponytail almost down to his waist.

“Oh, can I have her Carol? “ Says Fernando looking at me and grinning.

Have me, for what?

“That’s up to her.”

Everyone turns to look at me.

Worriedly I ask, “What? What are you guys talking about?”

“Well Selma isn’t here all the time, she travels a lot to the other ranches and stables in the area. Fernando here has been bugging me for someone to help him to care for the animals and to especially help him out here with the births. If you’re interested, you can help him.”

The thought of helping to care for all these animals is exciting, especially helping to care for the pregnant mares.

“I don’t know how much help I can be. You’re talking to the original city girl here, but I’d like to do what I can to help.”

“Most excellent.” Says Fernando. “Excelent锝 And he gives me a big grin, I give him a nervous one in return. What did I just get myself into?

Chapter 12

We visit the other horses and when we're done, Fernando tells me to check in tomorrow mid-morning and we’ll go over what he wants me to do to help.

Carol and I go back up to the house. Carol has some work to do in her office and I just need some time to sit back and think a bit. An awful lot has happened to me recently.

At the house Carol and I go our separate ways; she to her office and me back to my room to grab my guitar.

Once I have my guitar, I go back out to the front porch and settle into one of the big plush chairs and just idly strum and pick out tunes as I think. There’s country music playing on a radio somewhere so my strumming has a decided country flavor to it.

I’ve been out on the porch for quite some time when I hear, “You’re pretty good.”

Looking up, there’s Judy with a bowl full of grapes and a big glass of lemonade.

Smiling, I say, “Thanks, but I’ve seen good, I’m not there. I’m not bad though but I have to work too hard at it to make it sound ok.”

“Well I think you sound just fine. Here, I thought you might like a snack.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem. Later.”

As I set my guitar down and reach for the grapes, Edgar lands on the railing. “Tock, tock, tock.”

“Well hello Edgar. Done hitting me with stones?”

Edgar turns his head to the side as if he’s trying to figure out what I’m saying. He then proceeds to make little almost chirping sounds. I didn’t think ravens made sounds like these. He’s a funny bird. He’s watching me as I eat the grapes.

“Would you like one? You’ll have to come here if you do.”

I hold a grape out and he gives a little flying hop over to the arm of my chair. As birds go, he’s a big one. Very pretty too.

“Here you go Edgar.”

He gently takes the grape from my fingers. I alternate feeding him then myself. This is so cool.

“So, I guess your last name is Poe.”

“Degas.”

Turning my head, there’s Carol.

“What?”

“His last name is Degas, not Poe. It also looks like you’ve made a friend. Animals really seem to take to you.”

“He’s a neat bird. Why name him Degas?”

“When he first showed up here we were painting one of the barns. He’d land on the wet boards then he’d fly over to Bill’s truck and walk around. He did this several times. Turned the hood of the truck into a nice little piece of artwork so we named him Edgar Degas. Your daddy was not amused. The two of them are constantly going at each other.”

I giggle at the thought of what happened to the truck and father arguing with a bird. As Edgar doesn’t look any the worse for it, I assume that he comes out on top more often than not.

“Carol?”

“Yes darlin’?”

“What do you think we’ll find on the video Mom sent?”

“I don’t know Angel, I haven’t a clue.”

“I don’t think it’ll matter though. I don’t think I can stay here.”

“Now darlin’, why ever not?”

“He doesn’t want me here. It really won’t matter what’s on the video, it isn’t going to change anything. He hates me and he wants me gone. The look on his face in the barn was scary. I actually thought he was going to attack me.

I can’t stay here with him that against me, no matter how much I may want to stay.”

“Oh darlin’, give it some more time. If it doesn’t get better, hell’s bells, I’ll kick him up to the line cabin.”

“What? How can you do that?”

“Darlin’, he may run the day-to-day things here but I own this place.”

“What! I thought this place was his.”

“Nope. The land is passed down through the female line. That’s the way the original deed was written. We don’t make a big production of it ‘cause we tend to see eye to eye on most things. That plus most of these old timers around here want to deal with a fella as opposed to a gal, but the bottom line is I have the final say here, not your daddy. Give me some time, please?”

“Well, it won’t be tomorrow, but I’ll give you as much notice as I can.”

“Fair enough darlin'. Now let’s go on in and get ready for supper.”

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 4

Chapter 13

Dinner is great. I’m thinking of asking Judy if she’ll teach me some cooking. Mom and I would cook basic stuff but really, when you live in New York City with all the fantastic places there to eat, well we ate out more often than not.

Selma and Fernando sit with Carol and I and we talk about what I will be doing with Fernando. I basically will resemble an indentured servant but since I’ll be helping with all the animals, it ought to be bearable.

Father comes in after everyone had sat down, takes one look at me and storms off under his own personal black cloud. I’m not kidding; I swear that he has a black cloud around him that strongly resembles a flyer. When I ask Carol if she sees anything though, she says no. The joys of having an overly active imagination I guess.

When we finished up dinner, Carol and I go back to our sitting room to watch Mom’s video. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. My stomach is all knotted up and I find myself shaking.

Carol loads the CD into the player then joins me. Fortunately these are huge chairs and we both squeeze into one. I end up mostly sitting on Carol’s lap.

“Ready darlin’?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”

Carol presses ‘Play’ on the remote and I find myself silently crying as I once again have Mom speaking to me and saying she loves me.

Hello Carol, hello my Angel. I miss you so much sweetheart and I love you so much. Now you just stop that. The time for tears is past. Now I need to tell you and Carol about your father and I and why we haven’t spoken since he walked out thirteen years ago. Well he didn't walk out, I threw him out. I'll get to that in a minute.

Sweetheart, I hope he isn’t making things too hard for you; you let Carol help you if he is. He wasn’t always like that. I first met your father when I was your age. Goodness, thinking of you doing the same thing I did scares me to death. Maybe I was too hard on your grandparents. Yes, they’re still alive but I’ll get to them later in another CD that you'll receive soon. We were talking about your father.

So there I was, sixteen years old, going to a boarding school in Virginia and thinking I had all the answers in life. There was a short school break and I was staying at a friend’s house when your father showed up. He was back East buying horses. Heck, he was only eighteen himself, but carried himself so much older.

Well we met and if he hasn’t changed too drastically I’m sure you can see how handsome he is and was to me. We ended up falling head over heels in love and ran off and got married. The result of that was me being disowned by your grandparents and having you. The first made me sad and the second has been the source of my greatest joy.

We were deliriously happy and nine months after we said ‘I do’ you were born. At first your father was very happy; after all, he had a son which is what he wanted. But things didn’t stay that way.

You were such a beautiful baby. Very tiny, but healthy, and you had the brightest blue eyes and of course your silky white hair and pale, pale skin. In time your eyes turned to grey, but your hair never darkened. We decided right away that we wanted another child, but despite all of our efforts we didn’t have any luck.

We finally decided that we would see a specialist; the greatest mistake we made was to see the guy we did. He determined that your father was sterile. This came as a brutal shock. After all, we had you, how on earth could he be sterile? Your father was the only man I ever slept with honey. There was never anyone before him or after for that matter.

But the news changed your father. It changed him drastically. He turned into a completely different person. He got these dark moods and I’d find him glaring at you or me or at the both of us. His looks grew more and more into hate. He accused me of infidelity and said he’d not recognize any bastard child of mine. I pled with him for us to see another doctor but he refused.

One afternoon I came home with you from doing some shopping to find your father in bed with another woman. We argued heavily and I ended up throwing him out when our fighting caused you to cry and he hit you.

Since that day I haven’t spoken of your father and we have never heard a word from him. But Angel, despite all that we went through, I still love the man, at least the man that I married. I guess I always held out some hope that we could get together again someday.

Now as to you, you are his daughter. I’ve included in the package I sent this video in, your complete medical records. These records and the reports included, positively prove that he is your father.

Do you want to know why your hair is white and your skin so pale? Well it’s only because the enzymes in your body don’t produce much melanin. You are not an albino, but the condition is very similar.

You are blood type O negative, so am I. Your father is blood type O positive. That’s a bit of proof, but it only proves that your biological father has to have type O blood, not that Bill is your father. That’s where the enclosed report from the Cambridge Genetics Laboratory comes in. I had the samples we used to test our fertility sent to this lab along with a blood sample from you. The result is in the report but all it says is Bill is your father and I am your mother.

Our inability to have another child? It turns out I have scaring on my uterus that would make conceiving, much less bringing to term a child extremely difficult. You my Angel were a miracle.

Over the years I’ve tried to tell Bill all of this but he has always refused to take my calls or any correspondence from me. Hopefully you two will have better luck.

I love you my sweet Angel. Don’t think that this is the last time you’ll hear from me. I made several of these little videos for you to get over time. You’ll just have to wait and have them as a surprise. Always know though that I’ll be watching over you and that I love you.

Goodbye for now sweetheart. Take care of my baby Carol and bless you.

When the video ends, I just turn my head into Carol’s shoulder and cry. It isn’t the huge racking sobs I’ve done in the past, just gentle crying from missing my Mom. I’m so thankful that Carol is with me. She just holds me and strokes my hair.

Chapter 14

I step off the front porch and the sky is an eerie red. Dark shadows are everywhere and there is no sign of anyone about. There isn’t even any sign of any animals. There’s no horses in the pasture, no birds in the sky. The air is dry and musty and the vegetation looks like it hasn’t been watered in ages.

I start to head down to the barns and when I move I catch the flickering of movement out of the corner of my eyes. Pausing, I’m thinking that maybe I should go back into the house and the light where I’ll be safe. Suddenly I hear the sound of a horse in distress, more than one horse in fact. Going back into the house is no longer an option. I break into a run and the shadows keep pace with me. Other shadows from the fields and the other buildings head to the birthing barn.

Flyers.

The thought of heading to where all the shadows are going fills me with terror, but the sound of the crying horses drives me forward.

Racing into the barn, I find Molly and Flower in the main section of the barn. The flyers have them surrounded and they’re pressing them further into the back of the barn.

Flower is obviously terrified and just as obvious is her impending birth. The flyers are pressing her the hardest, Molly just looks pissed but can hardly move due to being so heavy and pregnant.

My path to the horses is blocked by flyers. Their tendrils of blackness flick out to me like whips. My panic increases and I see that the flyers have managed to separate Flower and Molly from each other. Flower goes down and despite her attempts to fight, Molly is driven back.

I watch in horror as the flyers swarm over Flower’s body, entering her and then the sight of them pulling her foal from her body. With the still born body pulled out, a huge gout of blood follows. At that the flyers fling themselves onto the body of the foal and all over Flower. One heart rending cry more from Flower and her body is still under the mass of flyers.

When the flyers finally move off of Flower, it’s obvious she’s dead. It looks like both she and the foal are just skin over a skeleton, everything else is gone.

I’m weeping and sick over the death of Flower and her baby. My sorrow and fear compete for dominance as a small group of flyers keep me cornered as I watch on. Suddenly the attention of the flyers is directed towards Molly.

Molly is trapped in the corner with the flyers pressing in on her from all sides. Molly’s ears are pressed flat against her head and she looks ready for battle despite her heavy condition.

Whip-like tendrils of black flick out at her and when they land, she cries out in pain but then snaps her teeth towards her antagonists. Suddenly a smaller flyer drops down from above onto her hind quarters. Molly lets out an anguished cry at the flyers touch but then the white in her coat blazes up and the flyer is turned to dust.

The atmosphere changes at this; now I can sense a certain amount of concern coming from the flyers. They can be destroyed.

At the demise of one of their own, the others press closer but now the white in Molly’s coat is glowing brighter and none of the flyers can approach her from that end.

A large flyer comes into the barn and slowly makes its way towards Molly. I’m terrified but the demise of the flyer seems to have allowed me to now think. These creatures can be hurt, killed even. Since this is a dream, maybe, just maybe I can do something.

The light coming from Molly is what destroyed that creature, can I create that light too? As the flyers that are around me really aren’t doing anything but keeping me in one place, I start to concentrate on light, I need to create light.

The large flyer is getting closer to Molly. Despite her courage, I can see fright in Molly’s eyes, I need to do something.

I’m concentrating with all my might but nothing, then the large flyer reaches Molly and a large black tendril whips out and strikes Molly in the chest. She cries out in pain and her legs almost buckle.

I’m trying so hard. I have to do something or I’ll lose Molly too. Tears of fear and frustration blind my eyes as the flyer strikes again and then again. This time Molly’s knees do buckle and in a heartbeat the flyers swarm over her.

NO! Suddenly it’s like a hundred camera flashes go off all at once. The shock of the flash wakes me.

Carol’s with me and trying to hold me and calm me. I’m in a panic as I try to free myself from both the bed covers and her embrace.

“No, Molly’s in danger!”

The next thing I know, I’m running down the hill towards the barn, I don’t remember getting out of bed or making my way through the house.

I reach the barn and fling open the door. The lights are all on and I hear Molly making angry frightened noises in her stall, she’s very upset. In the main portion of the room is Selma and Fernando, standing over the dead form of Flower and her baby, holding each other and crying.

Flower and her baby are just where they were in my dream, the only difference is they both aren’t reduced to much more than skeletons, but where they are laying and all of the blood is the same.

“Oh no.”

Selma and Fernando look up at my entry and exclamation. They both come towards me, trying to keep themselves between me and the bodies, trying to block my view.

“Ah Chiquita, you should not be here.” Says Fernando.

I’m crying as I tell them, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop them, there were too many of them and I didn’t know how to stop them.”

Selma hugs me to her and says, “What are you saying Angel, nothing did this to them. The foal was still born, the cord had wrapped around its neck, and Flower hemorrhaged. It happens honey, you couldn’t have stopped it.”

“But . . . Molly!”

Turning I break away from Selma and run to Molly’s stall. She’s there and she's fine but she's very agitated. As I open her stall door, Carol comes into the barn, out of breath and holding her hand to her head.

As soon as I enter the stall, Molly seems to settle down. I’m stroking her and she’s rubbing her head against me when Carol, Selma and Fernando come up to the stall door.

Selma and Fernando explain what happened to Carol and they huddle at the stall door comforting each other.

I suddenly remember Delilah. “Where’s Delilah?” I was scared that the flyers got to her too.

“Easy Chiquita, she was moved to the other barn. She was making so much noise she was disturbing Flower and Molly.” Says Fernando.

“Darlin’, remind me never to get you mad at me. You tossed me across the room like I was a feather. What on earth happened? One minute you’re crying in your sleep and I’m trying to get you to wake up and the next I’m flying across the room.”

“I, I dreamt this. My nightmare was about these creatures getting Flower and her foal then going after Molly here.”

“Oh, you poor thing. Darlin’, I suspect that you heard Flower. She was makin’ quite a bit of noise in her labor, which probably got all tangle into your dream and turned it into a nightmare.”

Not feeling like trying to explain right now about the nightmares I’ve had all of my life, I just agree.

"Darlin' help me take Molly over to the other barn. We need to get things cleaned up here and she needs to be around other horses. Being here will just upset her more."

"Ok Carol."

Carol snaps a lead rope to Molly's halter but when I go to take a step I almost fall.

Looking down, I notice my bleeding feet.

"Oh my goodness darlin', look what happened to you. You sit right here while I take Molly over to the other barn. You need to stay off of those.

Selma says, "I'll take her Carol. I want to give her a good going over tonight. This has been rather stressful for her and given her condition I don't want to take any chances. You take care of Angel."

"Thank you Selma. Ok darlin', let's get back up to the house. We need to take care of those feet and get you in a new nightgown. How on earth did you rip the back of that?"

Checking out my nightgown I see that indeed it's very loose. The girls are almost completely in view. I quickly get things readjusted and as soon as I do, Carol scoops me up in her arms like I don't weigh anything.

Embarrassed I say, "Carol, you don't have to carry me."

"Darlin' you sure can't walk and it's no bother, you don't weigh more than a mite. Let's go."

As we reach the door, Father comes in. He looks like he's had a real bad night. After giving me a quick glare, he goes over to Fernando.

Chapter 15

Back up at the house, Carol carries me directly to our bathroom and sets me down next to the tub.

"Ok, let's get you out of these clothes and into the tub. So while you're doing that and the tub is filling, I'm going to go get dressed and then go get the first aid kit and we'll deal with those feet after we get them all cleaned up."

"Carol, I'm fine, really."

"Now darlin' don't you even think of arguing with me. You do as I say now, ya hear? I'll be right back."

Sighing and bowing to the inevitable, I pull my nightgown over my head then pull off my panties. Looking at the back of my nightgown I see that sure enough, somehow I must have caught the back on something as it has a couple of rips on the back. Feeling my back, I don't notice any scratches or anything, so I must have just caught the nightgown. Poo, that was my favorite one too. Maybe it can be fixed.

Just as I ease myself into the hot water, Carol returns with a small first aid kit.

"Here darlin', let me help you." Carol steadies me as I sink into the water.

"Ok, let me see one of those feet."

She takes a foot and looks it over. "Well, it looks like you ran across some thorns. Hold on a sec and I'll pull them out. This will probably sting a bit darlin'. Sorry, can't be helped."

I grit my teeth as Carol pulls the thorns out of my feet. With that done I let them soak in the water as I wash up.

"Here, let me do your back."

Carol washes my back and I feel like I'm back with Mom. She used to do this too.

"I think I'm jealous of you. I haven't seen a single freckle, mole or blemish anywhere on you."

"Well Mom always had me put lotion on daily. I tend to burn real easy so it's a must. That's probably why."

"You're probably right, still your skin is amazing. Ok, all done. Let's get you out and dry so we can bandage up those feet."

Carol helps me out and as soon as I'm dry, Carol goes to pick me up.

"Carol, my legs aren't broken, I can walk."

"Yea, but I don't want blood on the floor."

"Oh, alright."

Again, Carol lifts me like I don't weigh anything and carries me in the bedroom. Plopping me down on the bed, she starts to examine my feet.

"Well this is downright peculiar."

"What is?"

Grabbing my other foot she says, "Your feet, I can't find any sign of your injuries."

"Well they're still a little tender, maybe being in the water swelled the skin enough to close things up."

"Hmm, maybe. It's still peculiar, mighty peculiar. Well if that's the case, then they might start bleeding again once the swelling goes down. I'll just put some cream on them and wrap them up for now and we'll check them later."

A few minutes later my feet are wrapped up and in some comfy socks.

"There ya go, that should hold things for now. How do they feel?"

"Fine, thanks again Carol. Carol, do you think the tears in my nightgown can be fixed?"

"I'll take a look at it. Now then where's another nightgown? You aught to get back into bed and at least try to get a bit more sleep. It's just past four in the morning."

"Oh I don't think I can get back to sleep at this point. If nothing else my stomach is growling thinking it's time for breakfast. I'm just going to get dressed and fix a bite to eat. Don't mind me."

"Well, I'll keep you company then"

I get dressed and we both head on down to the kitchen.

As we're eating I really feel the need so I tell Carol about my dreams. After explaining that I've had them all my life and how they've been changing lately and then going into detail about last night's dream, I ask, "So, you think I'm crazy?"

"No darlin' I don't. Now they might just be dreams and then again they might be something more. I just don't know. I wish Daddy would get back, this is more in his line than mine."

"What do you mean?"

"I keep forgetting you wouldn't know, Daddy's a medicine man. If anyone would be able to get to the bottom of your dreams, he would. Unfortunately, I'm not sure when he's getting back and I have no way to get in touch with him.

I'll give some people a call and let them know we're looking for him. He'll hear about it soon enough. Now, since neither one of us will be able to sleep now, let's finish up breakfast and take some coffee on down to the barn. There's going to be a lot of work to do down there.

I don't want you in the birthing barn 'till we get it cleaned up but do you think you could help out in the main barn?"

"I'd like that."

"Good, let's finish up then."

After finishing up our breakfast, we fix a large batch of coffee and take it in a couple of thermoses on down to the barn. Carol goes on into the birthing barn and I head into the main barn.

Chapter 16

Going into the main barn, I see a low light on down at the end of the bay. Reaching the end stall, I find Selma with Molly.

"Hey Selma. How's Molly doing?"

"Oh, hello Angel. She's awfully jittery but otherwise ok. Horses are very sociable animals and the death of one tends to upset the others. That's why we moved Molly in here. After they get the birthing barn cleaned out and aired for the day, we'll move Molly and Delilah and probably a couple of the other mares back over."

"Oh, ok. I have some coffee here if you'd like some."

"Bless you Angel. I'm about spent."

"Here you go. Do you know what happened to Flower?"

"Thanks hon. No, she hemorrhaged, we do know that but as to why exactly she hemorrhaged, well I wont know that until I can do a post-mortem. It sometimes happens during birth. It's very sad, this was Flowers first pregnancy.

Say, can you stay here and keep Molly calm for a bit? I'd like to go and check on Delilah."

"Sure, I don't mind."

"Thanks. If you need me, I'll just be down at the other end."

After Selma leaves, I get down the brush from just outside the stall and go in and start to brush Molly. She's calmed down considerably and leans her body into the brushing.

"Like that do you? Well if you keep leaning into it like that, you're going to squish me between you and the wall here."

Almost like she understands me, Molly stops leaning so hard.

"I'm not sure what happened last night girl, but I think it was real, or at least almost real. You showed me that those things can be killed. I just hope I can learn how to do that on demand.

I don't know why no one else sees them though. But you do, don't ya girl?"

Molly just turns her head and blows warm air into my hair.

Smiling at Molly, I hear the door to the barn open. Sticking my head out of the stall, I see Selma just leaving Delilah's stall as Carol comes in.

I see Selma turn her head towards me but I don't think she can see me as the corner I'm in is in shadow.

When they meet they hug each other and then . . . . kiss? One of the horses kicks a stall and they quickly separate.

Interesting. This may explain why Carol is so understanding of me. Why are they so jumpy about being found out though? Hmmm, I'll have to think on this.

I go back to Molly and am giving her a good scratch between the ears when Selma and Carol come up.

"Hey darlin', how are you and Molly getting along?"

"She's a greedy gus isn't she? I've about worn my fingers down to the bone and she keeps demanding more."

"She's certainly calmed down around you that's for sure" says Selma. "You seem to have a way with animals."

"I like them, maybe they can tell."

"I'm sure they can. If you aren't doing anything here, Fernando thought he'd start you off early. He'll be by in a bit. He says that you'll start off riding and to make sure that you're dressed properly."

"Riding? Me? Oh I don't know about that. I mean, I've never been on a horse before, at least if you don't count the times I rode the carousel."

Both Carol and Selma are laughing at me.

"Darlin' you'll be just fine, trust me."

"If you say so, but I hope you have a saddle with a built-in ladder."

"We'll start you off on Sugar Plum, he's small, sure footed and as gentle as can be."

"He? Sugar Plum is a he?"

"Told you we get creative with the names here."

Laughing they lead me over to another stall with a small bay horse with a white rump with brown spots. Small is relative, compared to other horses he may be small, compared to me, he's still big.

Handing me a lead rope, Selma tells me to bring him on out so we can get him saddled up.

Entering the stall, we eye each other.

"Ok Sugar Plum, you and I are going to be friends, right?"

My reply is a flick of his ear. Snapping the lead rope to the halter I bring him on out of the stall.

Selma tells me, "Just snap the other end of the lead to that ring and we'll get him all saddled."

After doing as she tells me, we then go into the tack room for the bridle and saddle.

Selma grabs a set and hands it to me and I can barely lift it, much less carry it. She then proceeds to grab a second set and says, "come on, we'll have them saddled and you riding in no time."

Wonderful. Following after Selma, struggling with this saddle and bridle, we go back out to the main part of the barn.

Carol is out there with a large buckskin.

"Hey, I thought you guys just had appaloosa's here."

Carol says, "Oh this is Fernando's baby. This is Diablo."

"Um, doesn't that mean 'devil'?"

"Yea, but he's not bad, just high spirited. Aren't you baby?"

To which Diablo tries to bite Carol. She easily moves out of the way and smacks him on the snout.

With a glare, Carol says, "now don't you go making me out to be a liar. I have friends at the glue factory and they'd love you."

They glare at each other for a bit until Diablo looks away.

Laughing, Selma proceeds to saddle Diablo and Carol comes over to help me.

"Let me help you with that darlin'"

Gratefully letting her take the saddle from me I say, "I take it there weren't any short cowboys."

"Actually, there were."

"Fine, I admit it, I'm a wimp."

Giggling Carol says, "We just need to toughen ya up is all. You'll be saddling and riding all by yourself in no time. Now here, watch what I do."

Carol then proceeds to give me the 'How to Saddle Your Horse For Dummies' lesson. It actually doesn't look that hard if you have the horses’ cooperation, without that cooperation, I really don't think I'll be able to do this. Maybe if I end up riding a Shetland pony, maybe.

We finish up just about the time that Fernando comes into the barn.

" Buenos dias Seá±oritas. Is everything ready?"

Selma says, "Just about, why don't you take this shovel head of yours out and work some of the sass out of him while I go get the saddlebags."

"Buena. Come on baby."

Selma goes back to the tack room and Carol says, "Come on darlin', you're going to want to see this."

We take Sugar Plum and follow Fernando out of the barn. Once outside, Fernando quickly steps into the saddle and Diablo starts to buck. It looks just like something out of a rodeo. Diablo is twisting and turning, jumping and kicking up is legs. This goes on for a couple of minutes then just like throwing a switch, Diablo settles down and Fernando comes back over and slides off of his back.

"Ah, that woke me up. So Chiquita, you ready?"

"Um, I don't think I can do that."

"Not to worry, this is just how Diablo and I say hello to each other. Your little Sugar Plum is very placid."

"Ok. If you're sure."

Carol comes over and helps me up. It feels different being up here. Nerve racking comes to mind right off.

Carol is explaining how to hold the reigns and how to control the horse. Fernando is adding his comments too. I'm only catching about every other word as I'm trying to think calming thoughts at Sugar Plum.

"Um, you guys, maybe this isn't the best idea."

"Darlin', you'll be just fine. Fernando won't let anything happen."

"Ok, if you're sure."

Selma comes back out and she's carrying several bags.

"Ok Angel, in this bag is a snack and some water, along with some other items that come in handy. In this bag is a radio and a GPS unit. Whenever anyone goes out on the ranch, they need to carry both."

She attaches the larger bag with the water and snack to the back of the saddle and the smaller one hooks right over the saddle horn.

With a parting "have fun" from Carol and a "see you at lunch" from Selma, Fernando and I are off.

After we get past the fence line, Fernando turns to me and asks, " ¿Habla usted espaá±ol?"

I shake my head at him and reply, "Parlez-vous français?"

Smiling he says, "looks like we're stuck with English, eh Chiquita?"

Smiling back I say, "I'm not a banana, why do you keep calling me 'Chiquita'?"

"Oh, Chiquita means 'petite' and after all, you are."

For all of his gruff exterior, with his perpetual smile and laughing eyes, it's hard not to smile around this guy.

"So, where are we going?"

"I like to ride around to various parts of the ranch to check on the general welfare of the animals. Selma is our vet and a very good one too, but my job is to spot problems and illnesses before they get bad. She is the doctor, but we all know that most of the work is done by the nurse, no? I am the nurse to all of the animals on the ranch. Also, if we come across anything else that Bill or Carol need to know about, I make note of it so someone can deal with it, a broken fence or a fouled water hole, anything like that. If it's simple enough, I deal with it myself."

"So you're kind of a jack of all trades around here."

"Sá­ that is it."

"Fernando, why is it that your sister has no accent but you have a very strong one?"

With no accent at all he says, "I'm lazy, and it is how I'm used to speaking, that plus when people look at me they expect to hear an accent, so I give it to them."

Smiling at each other, we continue our ride.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 5

Chapter 17

As we continue our ride, Fernando explains the running of the ranch and all that they do. I'm impressed by how beautiful this area is. The mountains surround us and I can't describe the feeling I have being out here. I'm also impressed by Fernando's strength. I'm convinced that if Diablo hurt his leg, Fernando wouldn't have any trouble carrying him back to the barn.

At one point we come to a part of the fence that has had a sizeable boulder roll down the hillside into it. To repair the fence, the boulder needs to be moved. Given the size, I assume that at the very least we're going to need to tie a rope to it and have the horses pull on it. Well Fernando just hops on down, plants his feet and reaches under the boulder then smoothly rolls it out of the way. I am suitably impressed.

After the boulder is out of the way, we quickly nail the fencing back up. As we ride, Fernando tells me about the duties he wants me to do and I ask endless questions back.

When we're about two and a half to three hours out and beginning to head back, Fernando stops us at a small creek. We stay up on the horses but let them graze and drink a bit while we eat our snack.

Just as we're finishing up, Fernando points up to some birds that are circling not too far away.

"What are they?"

"Vultures, something died recently or is dying. Let's go check it out."

Riding over, we pass a number of steers. Fernando makes it quite clear that these are not cows by the way. In about fifteen minutes, we find what is attracting the vultures, a recently killed steer.

Fernando gets down and looks over the carcass and around the site.

"There's a cat around."

"Cat? As in mountain lion?"

"Sá­, keep a very close eye out while I call back to the ranch."

Fernando pulls out the radio and GPS unit and calls back to the ranch. He's talking to someone, explaining what we found while looking all around. I'm trying to see every which way at once. Fears of being pounced upon motivate me to look hard.

Fernando finishes up his call and sees how nervous I am.

"Chiquita, look to Sugar Plum and especially Diablo. They have far better senses than we do and they are relaxed. I believe that we scared it off when we approached. It will return as soon as we leave.

We must return to the ranch now. This is troubling news. This cat is new to this area. If it continues to kill our stock, we will have to hunt it. Fortunately it will not be for me to do that. Let's go."

Around two hours later, we reach the ranch house. Fernando leads us straight to the main barn and hands Diablo over to one of the ranch hands to take care of. He then goes off with my father to discuss the mountain lion.

I’m looking forward to getting off of Sugar Plum. It’s been real fun riding, but I’ve been doing it for almost six hours. My butt is sore and I really need to pee.

Bringing Sugar Plum over to some bales of hay, I swing off and promptly fall right on my butt. My legs completely give out on me.

One of the ranch hands comes over and helps me up and I promptly sit right back down on the hay. Chuckling, he leads Sugar Plum away.

I hadn’t realized how bad my legs had gotten. I’m really not sure how well I can stand.

After about fifteen minutes I finally am able to get up and slowly make my way up to the house and to my room. My legs and hips are in agony.

Once in my room, I strip off my clothes and literally crawl into the bathroom. I get the water in the tub going as hot as I can and slip into it.

Oh. My. God. I may never walk again. The hot water feels wonderful however and it isn’t too long before I doze off.

“Hey there darlin’. Careful you don’t drown in there.”

Opening my eyes I see Carol smiling down at me.

“It would solve any number of problems though. I think I’m a cripple now.”

“Let me help ya. We should have started you out a bit slower. If you were going to do the grand tour, we probably should have used one of the mules.”

“How would a mule be better than a horse? They seem close enough alike to not make a difference to me.”

“I was referring to one of the little ATV’s we have. We call them mules.”

“You mean I could have avoided having my legs permanently maimed?”

“Oh posh, you’ll be fine in no time. Let me help you out and we’ll give your legs a little rub then get you down to the kitchen for some food. By tomorrow, you’ll be just fine.”

“We’ll see, I feel like I've been split in half. I’m defiantly going to take you up on the help though. I’m not kidding when I say I don’t think I can stand on my own.”

With Carol's considerable help, I get out of the tub and back into my room. After feeling the pain when I put on my underwear, I decide to forgo jeans and pull on a casual lavender purple dress.

"Ok you, on the bed, face down. I'll give your legs a bit of a rub down then we'll go get lunch."

Moaning I do as she says. When Carol starts to massage my legs however I have to scream into my pillow. My poor muscles really hurt. Soon the pain moves from excruciating to merely unbearable and eventually I think I might be able to walk unassisted.

With my massage done, we walk down to the dinning room. Well Carol walks, I kinda hobble.

Carol has me sit and says she'll be right back. Judy comes over and hands me a sandwich and a bowl of fruit. Giving me a sympathetic smile, she tells me to just call out if I need anything else.

Carol returns with a large glass of ice tea and some ibuprofen. I gratefully accept both.

Chapter 18

After lunch four days later, I'm settling myself on the porch with my guitar. It's been extremely hectic trying to learn all that I can about the ranch and the animals; hectic but fun too.

Who would have thought that a city girl like me would like ranch life so much? Not me certainly. Oh don't get me wrong, I miss the big city a lot. The hustle and bustle, the noise and the energy. The little Armenian restaurant just around the corner where we'd get the best apricot jam anywhere and where the owner always seemed to have a piece of lemon cake or baklava to give me. No, I do miss New York, but I'm learning to love this place too.

Fernando taught me how to drive the 'mules', the little ATV's that they keep around on the ranch and today was the first time I've been able to get back up onto a horse.

I'm fingering a little jazz piece when Edgar shows up. Edgar tends to follow me around a lot.

"Well hello there Edgar, like jazz?"

"Toc, toc, toc."

Giggling at him, I continue while watching him turn his head almost completely upside down. I do a bunch of different fingerings and it seems that Edgar likes the fast paced stuff the best.

Edgar flies off when Judy hurriedly comes out asking me if I've seen Carol or father. I tell her no and without saying anything else she rushes back into the house. Something definitely is up as shortly afterwards father, Fernando and Selma come running up the hill.

Setting aside my guitar, I follow them into the house and back to the office. There Carol is on the phone with someone. She quickly hangs up and turns to us.

"That was Sally Evans. There's a big fire over at the Parker ranch. No word yet on if anyone is hurt or not, but their main barn is completely engulfed and it's spreading to some of the other buildings.

Things are quiet here so I told her to let them know we'll be over as fast as we can to help.

Selma, they're going to need you right away so go ahead and take off now, we'll be shortly behind you. Take Miguel with you.

Bill, call in all the hands, I'll get things ready to move out and when I do, I'll take everyone with me. I want you and Fernando to stay here.

We have a big storm that is expected by the weekend and we also have that cat out there. We need to make sure everything here is ready for both. Fernando, with Delilah and Molly both so close to dropping, I can't have you gone"

Father, Fernando and Selma all take off.

Turning to Judy and me, Carol says, "Judy, make sure the house is ready for the storm. Also if the fire reaches the barracks or the main house, I'm going to offer for them to stay here. Make sure we're ready for them. Angel hon can you help Judy and Fernando?"

"Sure Carol."

"Thanks darlin'."

With that we all head off. I go get my guitar and put it away then find Judy.

She's rapidly packing food into coolers and other carriers.

"Help me get this out to the truck, then well grab some cases of water. The last thing they're going to think about is food but they're sure going to need it."

We quickly get a huge amount of food put together and loaded into Carol's truck just before she heads out.

It was forty-five minutes of chaos and everyone running around and now it's quiet.

When Judy assures me she doesn't need me, I go off to find Fernando.

Chapter 19

I go down to the main barn and find father and Fernando talking. Father gives me his usual glare and says, "You need to stay out of the way. Go up and help Judy."

"Judy doesn't' need me right now and with everyone gone, you need every hand you can get. You don't have to deal with me, I'll work with Fernando."

Before father can say anything, Fernando says, "Good, I can use your help."

Father glares at me again and tells Fernando, "I'm going to go check the near sheds to make sure they're in good shape. Tomorrow I'll go out and check some of the outer ones. The timing on this is terrible but that can't be helped. Let me know if you need my help on anything. See you at dinner."

Father then turns and walks off without another look at me. No loss there.

"Ok Fernando, what can I do?"

"We're not going to move Delilah or Molly over to the birthing barn after all. We'll keep them here but we need to rearrange the stalls to give them more room."

For the next couple of hours I help Fernando rearrange things so Delilah and Molly will have more room. We also feed and water the animals for the night and generally do the work of everyone who took off to help with the fire.

By the time dinner is ready I'm exhausted. After dinner and the promise of an early start, I go off to clean up and go to bed. That night I again dream without nightmares. I haven't had any since Flower and her baby died.

Come morning, I wake to every muscle in my body complaining over the abuse I've been giving it recently. Hobbling into the bathroom, I take a hot shower to try to loosen up then get dressed and head down to the kitchen for some breakfast.

Despite the early hour, Judy is up and gives me a sympathetic smile.

"You look terrible."

"I feel terrible. Every muscle in my body aches. I thought I was in shape but this last week has kicked my, um has really worn me out."

"This should help." And she gives me some ibuprofen.

"Bless you."

After downing them with some orange juice and following that up with some scrambled eggs, I go off in search of Fernando.

I find him in the barn checking out Delilah.

"Morning Fernando. How's our girl doing?"

"I think today will be the day, tomorrow at the latest. I want to stay very close to her, can you look to the other animals on your own?"

"Sure, no problem. Any word from Carol?"

"Si, the fire was very bad. It missed the main house but the stable and barns are completely gone along with many of the out buildings. With the storm moving in, she and the others will be staying there to help tend the stock. I do not envy them.

Your father is out hunting the cat. Yesterday he found two more fresh kills. The signs indicate that it is the same animal but it is not typical mountain lion behavior. There is something very wrong with this one, possibly rabies. That would support the indiscriminate killing it is doing."

"Rabies? Yuck. Well I better get busy. If you need anything, give me a yell."

"Thank you Chiquita. Take a radio with you. With everyone gone, we'll need them."

"Ok."

By lunch time, I had taken care of the morning feeding. With the storm scheduled to hit tomorrow, I also have to make sure that everything is closed up and ready.

After getting myself something to eat, I fix something for Fernando and take it down to the barn.

Judy is down there talking with Fernando when I get there.

"Ah, Chiquita, gracias. We just heard back from your father, he is on his way back. No luck in finding the cat. Judy is going to take some supplies over to the Parker's along with a change of clothes for Carol and Selma. Can you help her load the truck?"

"Sure thing, come on Judy."

"Thank you again. I'll have my lunch then I 'm going to grab a shower and then back to playing nursemaid."

I help Judy load the truck. The sky is getting rather dark and it's not that far past noon.

"Judy, it looks like you better hurry if you're going to beat the storm."

"Maybe I should wait. If I'm not able to get back you guys are going to be awfully short handed."

"Don't worry about it. We have everything buttoned down. Father is on his way back and Fernando and I are here. The only thing we're going to need to do is try to stay dry. If you can't make it back, don't worry."

"I suppose so."

"Go on, they need this stuff and I'm sure that Carol and Selma will appreciate the change of clothes."

"Ok, but you be sure to call if you guys need us."

"We will, don't worry."

Judy takes off and I head back down to the barn. Just as I get there, Fernando comes rushing out.

"Chiquita, have you seen Delilah?"

"No, what happened."

"Maldito. She is not in her stall, the gate is open."

"What! How did that happen?"

"I do not know. I know I closed the stall door."

We quickly split up and look around but there is no sign of Delilah. When I get back to the barn, Fernando is saddling up Diablo.

"I am going out to look for her, get on the radio and tell your father what happened and then call Carol and let her know. She can't have gone far in her condition. I will be back as soon as I can. Don't worry, you will be fine here."

"I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about her."

"She will be fine too."

With that he mounts his horse and is gone. I go into the office and call Carol. I end up getting her voicemail so I leave a message and tell her everything. I also try to call Judy but I don't even get voicemail with her.

Then I get on the radio and try to reach father without success. Ten minutes later, I try him again. This time I get through but there is a ton of static and I can barely make out what he is saying.

Before I can tell him what has happened, he says that his horse threw him and he thinks his leg is broken. The signal is getting weaker but I manage to get the coordinates of where he is. I tell him what has happened here but there isn't any response. I'm not sure if he heard me or not.

I get back on the radio and try to reach Fernando but no luck.

Outside the sky is getting darker, the temperature is dropping and the wind is picking up.

Damn, damn, damn. Reaching a decision, I quickly write a note explaining what happened to father, where he is and that I'm going after him. I grab the big first-aide kit and a heavy coat and head out on one of the mules.

Chapter 20

With the GPS to guide me, I head out on the mule. The wind is blowing and its cold out but no sign yet of rain. The landscape looks surreal, a kind of weird twilight with the clouds letting just enough light through to make everything seem like a different world.

Travel is fairly smooth at first and I can head right towards father's coordinates but after forty-five minutes, I need to start to detour around things that if I were on horseback, wouldn't be a problem.

In another forty-five minutes I'm very near to where father said he was. It's quite a bit darker now with the occasional spot of rain. What light there is has take on a red-orange glow from all of the blown up dust and dirt. The clouds occasionally light up from lightning. Hopefully the lightning will stay up in the clouds and not start striking the ground.

As I take a short break to try to find away around a small wash, I try again to reach father or Fernando on the radio. Heavy static is all I get in reply.

Movement out of the corner of my eye makes me turn but nothing is there. It happens again and again then I suddenly realize that the landscape and the darting shadows are just like the nightmare I had about Flower. This time I'm not dreaming though. Shit.

Unclipping the spot light from the mule, I shine it where I last saw darting shadows. Nothing is there.

Ok, you're under stress, you have an over-active imagination, that's all it is. I keep telling myself this over and over again.

Heading out again I make my way eastward until I find a way across the wash, then I turn back towards where father is supposed to be.

The rain starts at this point and I could wish that it had waited just a bit longer. At least until I got to father. The good thing is the darkness looks a bit more normal now, the bad is the lightning is striking up in the hills and not staying in the clouds. Being hit by lightning would definitely not be a good thing.

As I'm driving along, I'm trying to figure out just what the hell I'm doing out here. First, I'm a city girl, this wild, wild west stuff is for the birds. Second, I'm heading out into a storm to try to rescue a man who hates my guts. Obviously I'm nuts. When I get back, if I get back, I need to have a long call with Maggie about all of this. I'm sure she can find me a nice padded cell somewhere.

I have to creep along as my visibility is very poor now, even with all the lights on this thing. Suddenly I stop as I hear what could only be gun shots. That has to be father and I'm close.

Just as I start to head out again, there's a blinding flash and the immediate blast of thunder as lightning strikes.

Dazed, I pick myself up out of the dirt, checking myself to make sure that I wasn't what was hit by the lightning. Then I realize there shouldn't be dirt and a second ago it was darker than the inside of a hat, now it isn't.

Looking up, everything is dry, the light is an eerie reddish orange and there is no wind. Things aren't just quiet, it's like every sound is muffled. Then the shadows start to move.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I am so screwed. I'm not dreaming I know I'm not, but what happened?

I move back to the ATV and the engine has stopped. I try to restart it but it doesn't even make a click as I turn the key. Trying the radio, I get nothing, not even static. I notice that the GPS unit is not working either.

Shit. I seem to be saying that a lot lately but it seems the most appropriate word. I'm not really sure what is happening but the safest place will probably be with father.

The ATV was pointed right towards where father was supposed to be. Grabbing the first aid kit I start in his direction.

The moving shadows resolve themselves into flyers but at present they're ignoring me. Unfortunately they're going in the same direction that I am.

Making my way around some brush, I come across the body of a dead cow, sorry Fernando, steer. It's nothing but hide over the skeleton. A flyer kill.

Shaking, I make my way past the carcass and head up the hill. Just before reaching the top, I hear two more gun shots. From the sound of them, they're just on the other side.

Rushing the rest of the way up the hill I find where all the flyers were going.

Looking down the hill, I see my father. He's lying down, partially propped up against a fallen tree. All around him are flyers. They appear to be just waiting. Father's head is back and he appears either dead of unconscious.

I've never been more scared in my life as I begin to make my way down the hill.

Although this feels real, I know it can't be. This must be a dream, it just has to be. And being a dream, maybe I can do the light trick that Molly did.

I keep trying to make light as I go down the hill. As I approach the flyers, they part and let me pass. There's no light so why are they making way for me?

I reach father and see that he is breathing. He has a nasty gash on his head and his left leg is swollen and looks like it might be broken. In his hand is a revolver. Trying to keep my eyes on the flyers and father, I take hold of the gun and pull it out of his hand then gently shake his shoulder.

"Father. Bill wake up."

No response. I open up the first aid kit and start to clean up his head wound. After getting that relatively clean, I wrap his head in gauze to stop the bleeding. Not a great job but it'll have to do. With that done, I start looking around for something to splint his leg with.

Still keeping an eye out on the flyers, I make my way over to a dead fall that looks to have some branches that I can use. As I struggle to get the branches I need I hear a scream from my father and turn to see that a flyer has moved and is covering his legs.

Suddenly there's a flash of light and the nearby flyers turn to dust and I'm suddenly at my father's side without being aware of moving.

As I bend over him to see if I can wake him again, father's hand shoots up and grips my throat. Holding me by the neck, father opens his eyes and there's nothing there but blackness. Once he is standing, he continues to raise me up until my feet clear the ground and I'm dangling in his grip.

Hardly being able to breath, I desperately grab his hand and arm, trying to break his grip. Father just smiles.

"So the little bastard is a hero too. How charming. Were you going to save me? Then out of gratitude we'd be father and son once more? Oh forgive me, father and daughter."

A look of absolute disgust comes over his face and he shakes me. My vision is starting to black out and I hear a great roaring in my ears.

"As if I'd want a freak like you." With that he throws me to the ground where I gasp desperately for air.

In a quieter tone he says, "you shouldn't have come. You should have stayed in New York."

"What's happening? Why are you doing this?" I gasp out.

"Why to destroy you, why else?"

"Why kill me after all these years?"

He backhands me and I go flying to the ground again.

"You don't listen, I said destroy, not kill."

Father turns and looks up the hill. "If I'd wanted you dead, you'd be dead. Just like that slut of a mother of yours."

At his words I grab a large branch on the ground and screaming swing at him.

My blow catches him right on the side of the head, just as he's turning. He crumples to the ground.

As I watch him, his face changes. The color seems to run out of him a bit, then his mouth opens and a black writhing tentacle emerges.

I back up in horror as a flyer begins to leave my fathers body. As it emerges, my father looks more worn and tired looking.

When the flyer completely emerges, it makes its way up and over the opposite hill.

Cautiously, I make my way back to my father. He's still breathing.

Now, all of the flyers are rushing up the opposite hill. Looking up to the top of that hill I see a black form resolve itself into the shape of a giant cat. This must be the mountain lion, but it's like no cat or lion I've ever seen a picture of. It's huge and black and as the flyers reach it they seem to be absorbed into it, make it bigger and even more evil looking.

Oh why can't I have normal nightmares like other people? Of course I've never been normal about anything so there's probably not a reason to start now.

I'm not sure what's happening or why this is happening, but I do know that everything that's happened recently was to get me here to this place at this time. For some reason, this thing wants me dead. No not dead, destroyed or something even worse than that. Before that happens though, it's going to kill my father, Carol and everyone close to me. This I somehow know.

The cat thing lets out a frightening scream. It works, I'm frightened. As the echo of the cat's scream comes back and dies away, I seem to hear the faint cawing of a raven too. The sound of the raven seems to build some resolve in me, to what I'm not sure. Before I can think on it further, the cat starts to charge down the hill. A band of bright light seems to extend from either side of me as I realize that I'm running to meet it.

The great cat leaps and flinging myself into its path I raise my hands to some how block it. My small hand meets the huge paw of the cat, its claw sinks deep into my palm.

There's a loud scream, from me or the cat I'm not sure. Then nothing.

Epilogue

Last nights storm made it almost impossible to make it back to the ranch and completely impossible to go out looking for Angel and Bill.

When I got Angel's message then Fernando's frantic call that both were missing in the storm, Selma and I headed back to the ranch with Judy and Miguel. A trip that normally takes forty-five minutes took three hours last night and when we got to the ranch, every time we tried to leave to go in search of them, the storm seemed to get worse.

The weather finally broke at five this morning and with Selma and Judy taking care of Delilah and her new baby, Fernando, Miguel and I loaded up and went in search of our missing family.

Fernando rode ahead on Diablo and Miguel and I each drove one of the mules.

"Carol,  ¡date prisa!" calls out Fernando.

Gunning the engines of the mules, we race forward to find Fernando at the mule that presumably Angel took. There's no sign of Angle though, or of Bill.

Fernando is circling and I'm checking Angel's mule. It starts right up, so where is Angel? Why would she leave it?

From the top of the hill Fernando calls out, "Carol, I found Bill!"

Mounting back up, Miguel and I quickly follow after him. There at the bottom of the hill is Bill. There's a blood soaked bandage wrapped around his head and an open first aid kit next to him, but no Angel.

At our approach, Bill's eyes flicker open and he sees us. Before we can say anything he points up the opposite hill. Looking, I see a pale form lying near the top. With Fernando and Miguel looking after Bill, I race up the hill and am beside the still form of Angel in no time.

Her pants are torn and muddy; her shirt is in tatters around her waist. She's laying face down with her hair spread about her like a halo.

"Angel, Angel honey, it's Carol."

I quickly check her over and the only injury I see is to the palm of her right hand. I gently turn her over and as I do her eyes flicker open. She gives me a little smile and reaches up and touches my cheek then her eyes close and she is again unconscious.

Gathering her small form, I pick her up and carry her back down the hill.

~o~O~o~

Looking down at Angel sleeping in her bed I turn to Bill and ask, "Bill, what happened out there?"

Shifting on his crutches, Bill replies, "Carol, I wish I knew. Trying to remember is like trying to find things in a fog. I had gone out checking the outer sheds and hunting the cat when something spooked my horse. When she reared up my reins broke and I fell off and hit my head. I don't even remember hurting my leg. When I came to, things were getting dark. Fortunately I had grabbed the radio and the GPS when I fell.

When Angel here called, I gave her my coordinates but there was so much static I wasn't sure that she got them. Then the cat showed up. I shot at it but my head was so muddled I kept missing.

At one point I was hallucinating. I saw Angel but she was so much larger and seemed to be made of light and it even looked like she had wings. She was fighting the cat that had changed into a monster. There was a great blast and I don't remember anything else until you guys found me."

"Well the blast you heard and saw was probably the lighting. We found the mountain lion, it was hit by lighting; dang near cut in half. Angel it seems was close enough that it knocked her out. Fortunately, aside from a puncture wound on her hand, she's ok. Doc just says that she's exhausted is all. That is one lucky little gal there"

"I've been a fool Carol."

"You usually are."

"It's like for the past thirteen, fourteen years my mind has been wrapped in cotton. I haven't thought straight at all, at least concerning her or her mother. Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"

"In time maybe, just give her time Bill. She may never be your daughter, and she is a girl, not a boy, but someday, she might be your friend."

"No, she's no boy alright, and I can live with friend. That would be nice."

~o~O~o~

A hand wrinkled by time but still strong and tanned reaches under a bush and retrieves a large iridescent feather. Looking to the dead puma and the blackened scorch marks on the ground around it, the man looks thoughtfully to the south then tucks the feather inside his shirt and leaves. Behind him a raven glides after on silent wings.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig