I looked around casually to check that no one was watching me.

It was a busy market day and I was trying not to be seen–or rather noticed. Easy enough for thirteen-year-old boy who looked more like ten or eleven.

I liked to blend in. It meant that I could do what I had to, hopefully without being caught. It was summer and the pavement where I was sitting was hot. 1963 was a scorcher and that made everyone feel lethargic–I hoped. I was wearing grey school trousers, a shirt that used to be white but was now somewhat grubby; iffy socks and black shoes that were well scuffed and had seen better days. I didn’t have much in the way of clothes; not that it mattered, clothes were just clothes, what if they get worn more that once–or several times for that matter.

I had strolled through the market once or twice, eying up my ‘shopping’. It was a busy day and the place was crowded. The record stall was belting out Please Please Me on the turntable and the stallholders were spieling about their ‘bargains’.

In my hand was my mum’s old shopping bag and I hoped to fill it with food that would at least keep us going for a while longer. The problem was that I had no money to pay for anything.

Standing up, I wandered down the rows, avoiding being jostled and trampled on by larger people–that meant everybody–and stopping occasionally to inspect the merchandise.

I had to have eyes in the back of my head whenever I did this. The stall holder had to be busy with a customer and hopefully, no one would be looking at me, least of all policemen!

Luckily, PC Roberts, the local bobby and bane of my life was, I knew, over on the other side of the market, because I had been watching him. I had had more than one thick ear from that gentleman, not forgetting the kick up the backside when I cheeked him once. Then of course I would have to keep an eye out for Mr Percival Pointer as well–but more of him later.

Anyway, I was at one of the larger fruit and veg stalls and the two assistants were busy up the other end with some women who were either buying stuff or fingering the merchandise to see how fresh it was. Nobody was looking at me so I seized the moment.

In a flash, I had stuffed some potatoes, carrots, oranges, apples and a few bananas into mum’s bag and then I was away on my toes as my dad used to say, without anyone realising what I had done. I always got a bit of a thrill pinching things. I felt bad too, of course, as I was taking things from others, but it was the excitement of it all that got to me.

I repeated my informal shopping technique several times to include a bit of meat and fish and a few other things that we needed and some we didn’t. By the time I had finished, I was well and truly cream crackered. I wasn’t a big boy, quite scrawny really. At times I didn’t get much to eat and it was only what I could manage to nick that kept me and my mum alive. That and the other things I did to pay the rent and keep her happy.

After a bit of a breather, round the corner and away from the possibly prying eyes of Constable Roberts and Percy Pointer, the truancy officer – who hated me almost as much as I hated him and liked to prowl the market for kids playing hooky; I sat on the kerb for a moment thinking, of all things, my schooling–or lack of it.

I had been to school a few times the previous year but not many. The teachers all said that I was bright but that wasn’t much use as I was rarely there. I always looked forward to the school holidays when all the kids were out and someone like me wouldn’t stand out like a sore thumb. But now the schools were back from the summer holidays and Percy was on the prowl again.

Last time he caught me, I was dragged back to school and given six of the best with a cane; I couldn’t sit down for two days.

Anyway, I had got my breath back by now, so after quick squint round the corner and finding no sign of the authorities, I went down Market Street, around the back of the row of shops and up the steps that led to a row of flats above the shops; our flat being over the eel and pie shop. As I walked along, I noticed a couple of bottles of milk outside old Ma Dawlish’s flat, so I picked one up without stopping. Well, if she left them outside, what could she expect? I hated the old bat anyway; she shopped me to Percy once. I don’t forgive and forget that easily.

I let myself in through our battered front door and called out, ‘Mum, I’m home!’

‘No answer,’ came the stern reply–nothing unusual there–so I traipsed to the kitchenette and put my ill-gotten gains away. The kitchen was a mess, as usual, with dirty dishes in the sink and a general air of filth. I sighed, just hoping for once that mum got up off her backside and actually did some cleaning and washing-up for a change. I was the bread winner and couldn’t be expected to do everything.

I made a cup of tea for mum and one for me and then took the drinks into the living room. As usual, mum was on the sofa staring at the box but not really watching the rubbish on it. The ash tray was full of fag-ends and the place stank of drink and fags. As usual, she was wearing an old pink nylon nightie and stained housecoat. She didn’t often bother to get dressed nowadays.

‘Here you are, Mum, a nice cuppa tea.’

I put it on the table by the side of her but she didn’t seem to notice that I was there–she was drunk and she looked like she had been taking those pills again.

I shook her and she looked at me, a bit confused then her eyes seemed to focus on me.

‘Brian?’

‘Yes, Mum, have you been taking the Valium again?’

She looked at me as if I was a stranger. The empty gin bottle and the pills in the bottle on the table showed all I needed to know, not forgetting the bottle of cider that had been full when I went out earlier but was nearly empty now. She had started on Valium after the doctor prescribed them following my dad’s death a year ago. He had been a fork lift truck driver and some heavy machinery that he was lifting, toppled back on to him and killed him. Mum never got over it–neither did I, for that matter.

‘I need them, love.’ She said in that whiny voice that I had grown to hate.

‘I’ve got some food.’ I said, changing the subject.

‘I’m not hungry. Have I got any more gin?’ She asked, looking up hopefully at me.

‘No, that’s the last bottle.’

She sort of woke up a bit then.

‘I need it, Brian, you know I do.’

‘I don’t have any money for gin––’

‘–You can get some, you know you can.’

‘What about the rent–?’

‘I’ll go back to work next week and we can pay the landlord then. Please, Brian, get me some more to drink; even cider if we can’t afford gin.’

She grabbed my wrist in a surprisingly strong grip.

I looked at her and nearly cried. This had gone on for far too long. I couldn’t tell her about the letter from British Home Stores that told her that she had been fired. I couldn’t tell her that the landlord was going to chuck us out at the end of the month if we didn’t pay up. I didn’t tell her that I had been paying the rent by nicking things and passing them to Solomon Worth, the fence.

Mum couldn’t cope anymore and I was the bread winner now. I knew that I could have and should have asked for help, but I didn’t want to be put into care and I knew that would happen if mum was found to be like this; she would be put away somewhere and I would be sent to a home. I couldn’t split us up; we only had each other now. I just wished that she would pull herself together. The only time she ever sobered up was when she went to the doctors’ for a repeat prescription.

I knelt down again and took her sweaty hand in mine. She was already feeling sleepy again.

‘I will see what I can do a bit later, all right?’

She smiled that lazy smile of hers that in previous times had made her look so pretty. Now her face was just a shadow of what it had been. She wasn’t pretty any more, she looked ill, pale, blotchy and her eyes were full of the drugs that she had taken for far too long. I wanted to get her out of this, I needed to, but I had tried hiding the drink and the drugs, and she nearly wrecked the place before I caved in and gave them back to her.

She fell asleep then and I stood up. I wanted to cry but I was all cried out now. I went into the kitchen and boiled an egg; that was all I wanted. Mum never ate much and her stick-like figure was painful to see.

As soon as it was dark I went to tell mum that I was going out.

‘Mum,’ I said gently, touching her arm.

‘Mmm?’

‘Mum, I have to go out.’

‘Get me some drink, dear,’ she said without opening her eyes. ‘You’re a good boy.’

I put on my dark woolly pullover, let myself out and went down the back stairs that led out to the street.

All was quiet in the market now; the stalls were empty and deserted as everyone had left for home. I went diagonally across the market, negotiating my way through the empty stalls, flapping pigeons and the rubbish strewn everywhere. Looking up, I could see the stars but no moon. This was good, because the less I could be seen, the better.

I caught the bus in the High Street. I knew where I was going as I had seen the shop I needed only yesterday. It was on the other side of town and it was ideal for my purpose because no one knew me over there. Once again I clutched mum’s shopping bag as I paid the conductor tuppence for my fare and watched the streets go by, thinking of my dad–of all things.

I may not have been very old, but my dad had taught me more than a few things about thieving. Before getting a job as a forklift truck driver, he had been in and out of prison for years. He had passed on a lot of what he knew about what he called ‘the business’–without my mum knowing, obviously. I think that he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, my being young and impressionable, I absorbed the information like a sponge. He was quite good at it–robbery, thieving and anything else illegal he could think of. Well he had been good before he got sloppy and too big for his boots. He was caught trying to rob a post office and they put him away for two years. Then he came out of prison for the last time and the rehabilitation people found him a job and on the second day, the job killed him.

The night before he died, we had a ‘man to man’ talk and he told me that what had been doing was a mugs game that had kept him behind bars for most of his adult life. Then, just the next morning, a badly loaded fork lift killed him and he wasn’t alive to watch me grow up. Mum went to pieces and I had to do the job of being my dad. Going straight hadn’t helped my Dad. If he was stayed as a criminal, he would probably still have been alive today.

I wouldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry–crying was for girls. Men have to be strong and brave and do whatever has to be done. I was eleven then and now, at thirteen, I had to be the man of the house.

After my dad died, mum started drinking to forget and then the doctor started giving her pills to help calm her down and sleep. Now she was an alcoholic and dependent on drugs to keep her going. I wasn’t about to tell anyone about that as I would have been taken into care and Mum put into some soulless rehabilitation clinic–I couldn’t do that to her.

After about twenty minutes, we arrived at my stop. As the bus drew away, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I had nicked things before: in broad daylight I had gone into shops and taken stuff that I could pass on to my dad’s old fence. He had laughed at first, but when Solly Worth saw the quality’s the gear, he stopped laughing and started paying.

Three times I had done this and it had kept the roof over our heads. This was the fourth and the biggest job that I had ever attempted. Goldstein the Pawnbroker was just off the main road. It had a small shop front and around the back was a low wall and backing a small garden. Dad’s tools of the trade were in my bag, including a small crowbar and a glass cutter. I had been in Goldstein’s the previous day and had pawned a couple of mum’s rings–not her engagement or wedding ones–but others that I had found in her jewellery box. I had cased the joint and felt sure I could get in all right. The security on the shop was laughable with masses of the goods were on display, ripe for the picking.

No more time for thought. I glanced around furtively–the place was deserted. I sneaked down the alley that led to the back of the row of shops including the one I wanted to burgle. It was quiet–almost too quiet–and I almost jumped out of my skin when a cat started making a noise.

I stopped for a minute–my heart in my mouth–but all was quiet again. Climbing over the wall and running across the overgrown garden was the work of a moment. I reached the window and looked in. It was a back office and the window was large enough for a puny lad like me to get in.

I carefully put mum’s sink plunger up against the glass and made sure that it was sucked tight. Then, using the glass cutter I carefully cut a hole in the glass near the catch on the sash window. I didn’t want to break the glass as that could have attracted attention. The glass came away quietly, still attached to the plunger. I’m sure the manufacturers never thought about this illegitimate use of their product, but it certainly helped me!

A few seconds later, I had pushed the window up and climbed in.

Immediately, I saw the safe and realised that the valuable stuff was probably in there. With a thumping heart, I moved through the office and out into the shop. I didn’t want to use a torch and I was lucky in that there was quite a good light coming in from the street lights outside, almost flooding the shop.

Behind the counter there were lots of things like clocks, china, portable wirelesses and stuff like that. The items I was after resided under the glass counter-top–mainly watches, jewellery and small silver items deemed too inexpensive to be put away in the safe. Opening the back of the counter, I just took everything I could lay hands on and put the goods in Mum’s shopping bag. Soon it was half full and I didn’t think I could take any more due to the weight, so I opened the till and took out the silver and copper that the shopkeeper had for some reason left and then made my way back out of the shop.

I had done it!

All was still quiet and I caught the bus at the top of the road that was heading back to my neck of the woods but I passed my stop and went a bit further. I had to see Solly Worth tonight.

He had a second hand shop on Market Square called Solid Worth and obviously, as the premises would be closed, I just knocked on the door by the side that led up to his flat.

The light came on and then a few seconds later I could hear the sounds of footsteps coming down the stairs. The door opened and I blinked in the strong light.

‘Is that you, Brian?’ Solly asked, his voice sounding a bit harsh.

‘Yes, sorry, I’m a bit late.’

‘Got some stuff for me?’

I nodded.

‘You’d best come in then,’ he said looking up and down the street and then standing to the side to let me through.

I went up the stairs and made my way into his sitting room, putting the shopping bag on the table but hanging on to the handles. He followed, puffing slightly. Solly Worth was, I suppose about fifty, balding, overweight and always had a cigarette dangling from his lower lip. Not a very salubrious character but there again, he wasn’t in a particularly salubrious trade.

‘Okay,’ he said rubbing his hands together, ‘let’s see what you’ve got for me, already?’

I took the swag out one piece at a time and put them on the green table. I was a bit surprised at the sheer volume and the table was virtually covered by the time the last items were put down.

‘Blimey, you’ve been busy. I won’t ask where you got this stuff. What I don’t know I can’t tell. Give us a minute and I’ll price the stuff up.’

He got his magnifying glass out and went over all the items, making notes on a pad all the time. He reminded me of a sort of fat Scrooge or even a Fagin as he poured over the items, mumbling to himself all the time. In the end he looked up at me.

‘No high value gear here, so I can’t pay you a fortune–thirty quid the lot.’

‘How much? I queried, shocked.

‘Thirty pounds; take it or leave it. It’s all obviously hot so I’ll have to hold it for a while.’

I looked at his greedy face and his mouth with its ever present cigarette hanging from it–ash falling gently to the lino floor as he spoke.

‘It’s a fair offer.’

‘Not fair enough,’ I said, remembering what my dad said-never take his first offer. ‘I’ll take the stuff to Arnold’s.’

‘Arnold’s-Schmarnolds! He’ll fleece you. He hasn’t got a heart, that man.’

‘I don’t want his heart, I want a fair price.’

I wondered afterwards how ridiculous I must have looked, knee-high to a grass hopper–just a very young kid, and trying to barter with a man who would sell his mother’s burial plot–if he hadn’t done so already.

I picked up the bag and started putting the watches and things back in it.

‘Hang on a minute, Brian, he said grabbing hold of my arm tightly, ‘my life, I have a soft spot for you, what with your dad, an’ all, God rest his soul. Look, I tell you what, I’ll give you thirty five: I can’t be fairer than that.’

‘No, Arnold will give me fifty…’

‘Fifty-schmifty Oy vey, you drive a hard bargain even, forty and that’s yer lot already.’

I looked at him and smiled.

‘Forty five in cash or I walk away.’

‘My life even, you’re worse than your dad–okay, forty-five, but I won’t make anything out of this.’

‘Yeah, I bet,’ I said as I held out a slightly grubby hand.

Sniffing, he pulled a greasy wallet from his hip pocket: it was full of banknotes. He peeled off nine fivers and, reluctantly, handed them to me.

‘Thanks, Solly, nice to do business with you.’

‘Oy vey,’ was all he had to say and with a cheery farewell, I left him and made my way back out to the street.

My work wasn’t done yet: I headed for the off-licence on the corner, the lights of the shop looking bright against the dark street. Before going in, I put forty pounds in my shoe, leaving me with a fiver in my hand.

The door pinged as I opened it. There were a few customers waiting to be served and I hung back until they were gone. Then I walked up to the counter.

‘Hello, Brian.’

‘Hello, Mister Davis. I’ve come for mum’s medicine.’

We both knew what I meant and he picked up a bottle of gin from the back shelf, put it in a brown paper bag and handed it to me. I paid him and smiled sadly.

‘I shouldn’t be doing this,’ he said, shaking his head, ‘but I know it’s not for you. One of these days, I’m going to get caught and then what will you do?’

‘I don’t know; anyway, thanks, Mister Davis.’

‘Be careful, Brian.’

‘I will; ’bye.’

Mr Davis was a nice man. I had done odd jobs for him sometimes and he knew the score about Mum. He was worried in case she got violent and hurt me or herself if she didn’t have her ‘medicine’. She wouldn’t hurt a fly, but who knows what she might do if she didn’t get her daily dose.

I let myself in and, as usual, received no reply to my hello. I was more cheerful for a change: I had enough money to pay the rent now and maybe even buy some food instead of nicking it. I would have to keep some back for gin, but at least we wouldn’t starve or get chucked out now.

Mum hadn’t moved. She was still on the sofa watching some mindless drivel on the telly–Opportunity Knocks with smarmy Hughie Green, I think. She looked up as I came in the room.

‘Got the drink? Good, be a love and pour me a drop.’

I took the bottle out of the paper bag and poured some into the dirty glass by the side of her. She took it eagerly and with shaking hands, she downed the lot in one go as if it was water.

‘Mum, slow down.’

‘I need it love, you know that. It helps take the pain away–’

I looked at her sadly. ‘I’m going to bed.’

She was away with the fairies again and didn’t even respond. Shaking my head sadly, I left her to her TV, gin and Valium and went to bed.

My bedroom was the neatest place in the whole flat. I liked to keep it tidy, so it was a bit like a refuge from all the bad things that had been happening since Dad died.

I normally read one of my Biggles books before going to sleep, but tonight I was really tired so I didn’t bother, and just got undressed, cleaned my teeth and then into bed, shutting my eyes almost straight away. At least when I was asleep my worries went away…

~ §~

I awoke the next morning and judging by the light streaming through the window, it was going to be another hot one.

After using the toilet and washing my face, I got dressed in the same clothes I had worn yesterday but I did put on clean underpants and socks. A boy has standards after all.

As usual mum hadn’t surfaced yet, but at least she had gone to bed, taking her bottles with her, I noticed.

I had some cornflakes and a cup of tea before waking mum. I was still tired after yesterday, but was pleased that I had the money safely tucked down my sock–well I didn’t want anyone to nick it! Later I would go and see the landlord: he was a hard man, but fair; if he hadn’t been, we would have been chucked out on the street months ago.

I drained my cup and then poured a fresh one for mum. As a treat, I toasted some bread on the grill and put the buttered toast and tea on a tray. Holding the tray in one hand, I knocked on her door. ‘Mum, time to wake up.’

I heard nothing so I let myself in. After one of her nights, she was bit hard to wake up, sometimes.

The room was dark, the heavy curtains having been pulled across. I wrinkled my nose, as I could smell unpleasant things in the room. It smelt like she had been sick and had also wet the bed again. More work for me later.

In the dim light, I put the tray down on the dressing table.

‘Mum, wake up, I have some tea and toast for you.’

I pulled the curtains back, blinking in the sudden strong sunlight. Looking down, I could see the stallholders getting ready for the mornings trade. I was glad that I didn’t have to take anything from there for a while.

‘Nice day outside Mum, you might want to go out for a breath of fresh air later.’

I turned around.

‘Mum?’

‘MUM!’

I approached the bed hesitantly, gazing at her face. She had been sick and her long hair looked sticky with it. The smell was worse as I got nearer to her. Her eyes were open, staring at the ceiling but not seeing anything. Her face was as white as a sheet and her lips were blue. I touched her cheek with a finger; it was ice-cold despite the warmth of the day.

My mother was dead.

I sat down at the end of the bed, gazing at her. I expected her to move, to smile at me, to stretch and then yawn and be my mum again. But she was dead and would never do those things again. My eyes travelled to the bedside table. She hadn’t overdosed as there were still pills in the bottle, not many, but some.

So it must have been the drink.

The drink that I had bought for her.

I had killed my mum––

I broke down and cried–heaving sobs that wracked my body. After what seemed a long while, my tears began to stop, to be replaced by fear, remorse, sorrow and a sense of loss. I had no one now. I was by myself.

I went to the bed, leaned over and kissed my mum’s cold forehead.

‘Bye, Mum,’ I said, my voice choking with emotion.

I still expected her to turn her eyes to me and smile, but of course she would never be able to do that again. I couldn’t just leave her like this. Hesitantly, as I had seen in a film once, I shut her eyes for her and then covered her over with a sheet. I stood there for a moment, full of indecision. My nose was runny and I wiped it with my sleeve. I couldn’t stay any longer, I had to go and do–something.

I made a decision and went out and closed the door quietly. Then without looking left or right, I went downstairs picked up the shopping bag for some reason and went out onto the street. On the corner was a phone box and I walked towards it. I think a few people said ‘hello’ to me, but I’m not sure. I opened the phone box, dialled 999 and waited.

‘Emergency, which service please?’

‘H—hello. C—c—can an ambulance go to 7a The Parade, Market Square. My mum’s dead.’

‘Pardon, sorry can you repeat that?’

‘M—my Mum, please send an ambulance to 7a The Parade, Market Square, she’s dead.’

‘Where are you, love?’

I put the phone down and left the phone box. I walked the streets for hours, not bothering about where I was or anything. After a while I found myself in the recreation ground and I sat on the bench and watched the little kids with their mums playing on the swings, see-saws and other things.

I envied them and their simple happy life and then started to get tearful again. Sniffing loudly, I pulled myself together. I had to do something, but what? Crying wasn’t going to help. I wasn’t going back to the flat yet, not if the ambulance and more than likely, the police was going to be there. I needed time to think–

Someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.

‘Gotcha!’

I recognised the voice– it was Percy Pointer, the truant officer. Looking up, I saw his unpleasant, leering face.

‘Leave me alone.’ I said quietly.

He pulled me to my feet and then looked at me.

‘Have you been crying?’

‘Yes.’

‘Someone stole your dinner money–’ang on, you don’t go to school much do you so it can’t be that; why aren’t you in school now?’

He was holding me tightly by the arm and I squirmed a bit, trying to get out of his grasp.

‘Well, answer me; what kind of excuse is it this time; dentist, doctors; got a cold?’

‘No, my mum’s dead!’ I blurted out, trying my hardest to pull away from his firm grasp.

‘Ha-ha, that’s a good one; wasn’t it your granny last month? Well, we will see what your headmaster has to say; a good dose of the cane will do you some good–’

I wasn’t going with him, I couldn’t. I did the only thing that I could think of. I kicked him hard–in the goolies–and then, as he let me go and then grabbed his nuts, I ran as if the hounds of hell were after me and didn’t stop running for ten minutes. I climbed a few walls, snagged my trousers on some barbed wire and then my shirt–not in good condition anyway–got greasy marks on it from a rusty old car left abandoned in a narrow lane.

I had no idea where I was running, only that I wanted to get as far away as possible from Percy Pointer. My chest was burning and my heart was hammering away. Eventually, I found myself in a graveyard of all places and after checking that I had lost the truant officer, I sat on a bench and waited to get my breath back.

One thing was sure, I wasn’t safe. Everyone in my area knew me and the police and social services, as well as that pestilential Percival Pointer would be on the lookout for me. I wondered if Mum would end up here, in this graveyard and that made me shiver and not want to stay there, but what could I do?

It was obvious to me that I needed clothes and badly. The way I was, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had the money still in my sock, but if I spent that, people might ask where I got it from and where was my Mum? It wasn’t easy stealing clothes from shops and I discounted that idea straight away.

Washing lines, now that had possibilities! Suddenly, I had a plan of action and that was enough to cheer me up a bit. I left the churchyard and being careful not to be seen by anyone remotely official-looking, I carried on down the road. I recognised where I was now. I was close to the posh side of town where all the nice detached and semi-detached houses were.

I passed several houses before I came across a likely candidate. A detached house, where, through the trees and bushes, I saw a lot of clothing swaying in the breeze on the line. There didn’t seem to be anyone about. After a final, swift look about and as bold as brass, I walked up the path and knocked on the door. If anyone answered I would say that I had got lost and ask for directions to the High Street.

There was no answer so I quickly went around the back of the house and there was the washing line, full of clothes, but none that looked anything like my size–except––

–I stopped for a minute and had a think. It went against the grain; after all I was a boy–

–Mind you, what a disguise–

Looking up at the line again, I realised that I had to make a decision quickly, in case anyone returned. Behind the house, I was un-overlooked, but who knows who might see me if I tried somewhere else and anyway, it was a good idea.

I took a deep breath and went over to the washing line. There was a girl's checked dress, cardigan, undies and socks pegged on it. I pulled the girls clothes off the line, got out of my boys’ clothes and changed into the girl’s ones.

The navy-blue knickers felt strange to put on as there was no opening at the front and they felt softer and more comfy than my boys’ ones, but I had to wear them, because any stiffish breeze would display my boys pants straight away. I had some difficulty with the dress as it had a zip up the back and I had to do all sorts of contortions before it was done up correctly. It was pink check with a round neck and had sleeves. The hem came down nearly to my mid calves and sort of flared out a bit. Then hopping on one leg and then the other, I put on the ankle socks. I had no shoes–girls ones, that is–so I had to make do with my boy’s black ones and hope that they wouldn’t be noticed.

I put my money in my sock before putting the shoes on. It was a bit uncomfortable, but at least the money would be safe down there.

I stuffed my old clothes behind a bush. They were dirty and useless now and I was better off without them. Then looking at my reflection in the windows, I finger combed my longish blond hair and made it part in the middle. I needed a brush but I just had to make do. I suppose that it was lucky that I never had enough money to go to the barbers’ for a trim. Last time I went to school the headmaster threatened to do a basin cut on me!

Peering at my reflection in the window, I didn’t think that I looked too bad. I hated the idea of wearing those soppy clothes and felt a right nana because of it. I just hoped that I wouldn’t be caught and laughed at by people such as Percy Pointer or PC Plod!

After a quick glance around, I saw that the coast was clear; so, trying to look as casual as possible, I picked up the shopping bag and went out through the gate and then turned right and carried on down the road. I had no idea as to where I was going but had thought that I could hole up somewhere and think things through.

I felt a bit weird ambling along wearing a dress. It felt strange and flapped about somewhat against my bare legs–talk about distracting! My hair, now that I had parted it in the middle, seemed to get in my eyes more for some reason.

My first test came when I walked around the corner and bumped headlong into a lady.

‘Sorry!’ I said.

She stopped and looked at me.

‘That’s alright, dear, my fault, I wasn’t looking.’

She smiled, nodded and then proceeded on her way.

‘That’s a relief.’ I thought, ‘she didn’t scream “boy”, or laugh at me. Maybe I do look all right.’

Carrying on, I came up to a road with several shops. There were more people about now and I was still nervous about being found out–but no one took any notice of me– that’s not quite true, some of the ladies smiled and nodded to me, so I still must have looked all right.

I saw a shoe shop and on an impulse walked in. There were two customers being seen to by the staff and I took the opportunity to take off my shoes. I put the notes inside one of the shoes and then put both into Mum’s shopping bag, which for some unaccountable reason; I had carried all the time I had been out.

I saw some shiny black shoes about my size so I sat down and tried them on. They were too big though and I was just about to take them off when I sensed a presence. Looking up, I saw a lady looming over me.

‘Don’t they fit, young lady?’

‘N—no, erm; t—too big.’

‘Would you like to try the next size down?’ She asked, smiling.

‘Y—yes please.’

She pottered off and I nearly had a blue funk and almost ran off there and then, but for some reason I just sat and waited. In next to no time she came back with a white shoe box, removed the lid and took out the shoes.

‘Try these,’ she said handing them to me.

I put them on and they fitted just fine after doing up the fiddly buckles. I stood up and walked around a bit.

‘Can I have these please?’

‘Don’t you want to wait for your mother?’ She asked looking around expecting her to appear.

‘N—no, mum–my mum said that I should get some myself, to show how grown up I can be.’

‘Riiight, well if you say so. They cost three pounds six shillings.’

‘I have the money in my bag.’

‘Would you like me to put them back in the box?’

‘N…no I like them so much, can I wear them out?’

‘Of course, Miss. Would you like to come over to the till?’

‘Yes, all right.’

The woman went ahead and I fished out one of the five-pound notes and then, when she rang the sale up, I handed her the money. She kept looking around, I think expecting my mother to turn up. ‘Fat chance of that,’ I thought, my eyes suddenly stinging.

‘Are you all right, dear?’ The shop worker asked as she handed me my change.

‘Yes, thank you.’ I said, taking the money.

‘Well call again, won’t you?’ She said with a smile.

I nodded and then walked out, my heart was beating fast and I wondered why I had been so bold as to actually go into a shop like that. I was so lucky that she didn’t cotton on to who or what I was–

I groaned.

Ahead of me, about fifty yards away and coming towards me was a policeman. I didn’t recognise him which was good, kind of, but I had to pass him. He was talking to an old lady and he glanced up as I passed, trying to look all casual.

I felt a tap on my shoulder just after I passed him.

‘Excuse me but why aren’t you at school?’

I thought quickly.

‘Footh.’

‘Footh?’

‘Mmm, footh,’

I pointed at my cheek.

‘Been to the dentist have you?’

‘Mmm,’ I said and then grimaced.

‘Hate dentist’s meself, can’t stand needles, that’s me. Well cut along then and get home. Take aspirin and cloves, my wife swears by them.’

‘Ankoo,’

‘That’s all right, now off yer go, sweetie.’

I walked on and it took all of my will power not to break into a run. After a minute or two, I looked back and the policeman had disappeared. I breathed sigh of relief, although I didn’t like the idea of being called a “sweetie”, what boy would?

A few moments later, I could smell baking and realised that I was rather hungry. I went into the bakery and stood at the counter. I immediately saw a hot cabinet with pies and things in it. My mouth watered.

‘Yes, love?’

‘Can I have a steak and kidney pie please?’

‘Yes, love,’ she said, getting a paper bag, opening the cabinet and picking out a pie.

‘Six pence-ha'penny please.’

I handed her the money, said thank you and walked out.

Continuing down the road I was soon away from the shops and came across a small park with a pond in it. Sitting down on a bench, I ate my pie while it was still hot, blowing on it to stop it burning my mouth and trying hard not to get crumbs and gravy onto my frock.

I stared at a few ducks on the water as I ate. Every time I had the opportunity to stop and think, I thought about my mum and how I had effectively killed her. I munched mechanically as I wondered where she was now. Had they taken her to the hospital? Was she in some horrid box somewhere–at a funeral parlour or somewhere like that? I didn’t know, but I missed her so much. It wasn’t always like that, before the drinking and the drugs I mean. All right, dad had been away a lot in prison, but mum made the best of it and we had good times occasionally, especially when we had money coming in from mum’s work. All that stopped when dad died and she went on the Valium and the mother’s ruin.

Finishing the pie, I thought once again about what I should do. I needed somewhere to sleep tonight. I couldn’t go back to the flat dressed like this–I hadn’t thought things through, I realised; I was just muddling along.

Sighing, I rubbed my eyes that were still sore and gritty from the crying. Where I was sitting was fairly secluded as it was off the path, down by the pond and behind some bushes. I couldn’t stay here all day though. I shut my eyes for a moment and then jolted awake when the cold wet nose of a dog touched my bare arm.

I was then licked.

‘Josie, stop that, the girl doesn’t need washing!’

I smiled as the old man came up.

‘Sorry love, she’d lick you to death given the chance.’

‘That’s all right,’ I said. ‘Erm what’s the time?’

‘Four o’clock love.’

Four o’clock, I had been asleep for ages!

The man nodded to me and walked on with the dog sniffing along beside him and I stood up and stretched. I was still a bit fuzzy from my extended sleep and it took a moment for me to recall the full horror of what had happened earlier and why I was wearing these daft clothes. It was a miracle that I hadn’t been caught out yet.

‘I had better get going.’ I thought.

But where do I go?

I didn’t fancy sleeping under a bush in the park, or anywhere outdoors. Maybe I could find an abandoned house or at worse a shed in a garden, then decide what to do tomorrow?

The sun had gone in now, behind some clouds and I was feeling a bit chilly in my thin frock. I pulled out the white cardigan from my bag and put it on and that helped quite a bit. I only hoped that it wouldn’t rain.

I picked up my bag and made my way out of the park. I hadn’t realised it, but I was near the edge of town where the houses were larger and more spread out and I could see the fields and hills in the distance. As I said, I thought maybe I could try one of the houses and kip down in one of the outhouses, a garage or shed, if the way was clear. Things didn’t look good as all the houses that I passed seemed to have walls, gates and fences that looked pretty impenetrable.

Then I came across a lane with a sign by the side saying:

I looked wistfully at the sign, realising that the girls in that school didn’t have much to worry about. No worries about board and lodging there–

Not thinking much about it, I turned into the gates and strolled up the long, hedge-lined drive that meandered through the grounds. I turned a corner and immediately beat a hasty retreat as I nearly ran straight into a bunch of girls playing in the grounds. Hiding behind some bushes, I peeked out at them and smiled.

They were having a great time playing what I think was rounders in some sort of P.E. kit consisting of white blouses with navy knickers. There was a teacher–wearing a gym tunic–blowing a whistle every so often and there was plenty of giggling going on. I couldn’t help but smile, seeing how much fun they were all having.

Just then the teacher blew a long whistle and the girls picked up their things and made their way back up the hill to the school building, which I hadn’t paid much attention to yet.

It was an old brick-built building mainly and it looked like a large mansion with a bell tower in the middle. At either end more modern bits had been added, I supposed as the school had got bigger. It looked a nice place and I thought that it probably cost a fortune to go to a school like that. I remembered my school, Sir Isaac Newton Secondary School; the place was a dump, the teachers hated the kids and the kids hated the teachers. Bullying was rife and I was one of the unlucky ones who got bullied. That was one of the reasons why I bunked off so much; that and the fact that I had to look after Mum half the time.

Thinking of mum again started me off and I had a bit of a snivelly cry. I hated this; boys don’t cry or wear stupid dresses and pretend to be silly girls! What would my dad say looking at me like this in a pink checked frock, standing in the grounds of a girl’s school and feeling sorry for myself?

I stopped for a second. This was a girl’s school. I was pretending to be a girl. Doors would be open, except at night and a girl or even a boy dressed like a girl could come and go if s–he was careful.

I could sneak in, find somewhere to hide, pinch a uniform and just blend in. This was a big school with nearly eight hundred girls. It was a new term too, so there would be a lot of new faces. A boy like me was used to looking after himself, maybe I could stay here until the heat died down and then I could move on?

Looking around, although most of the kids I could see were wearing uniform, a few weren’t. I supposed that out of school time the girls were allowed to wear their own clothes.

I didn’t think about it, I just did it.

I got up, brushed myself off and walked across the grass towards the doors where most of the children and a few of the adults were passing in and out. I walked like I knew who I was and where I was going. I didn’t stop at the doors, but just walked in. I got a few curious glances and even the occasional smile, which I returned.

I walked up a marble staircase and then another smaller one and then a third. I wasn’t stopped or questioned and by the time I had reached the third floor it was quiet. I walked down a corridor and glanced through some open doorways. These, I noticed were dormitories. I went to the end of the corridor and there was a closed door. I quietly opened it and peaked around the doorway. There were stairs leading up. Looking around and making sure that there was no one about, I went through and closed the door behind me. Going up the wooden stairs, I had to be as quiet as possible because my shoes were noisy on the bare wood.

Reaching the top, there was another corridor with a number of rooms off it. Looking in the rooms I could see that they were unoccupied and looked like they were used for storage. I looked at several of the rooms and in one I found some old mattresses.

I stopped for a moment as I heard a bell go in the distance and the thunder of many feet. Then after a couple of minutes, all was quiet again. I remembered that one of the rooms was nearly empty, if a little dusty. I dragged a mattress out of the room and pulled it across to the empty one. Then I found a chair and a small table and did the same with them.

Having done that, I closed the door and locked it from the inside because a key had, conveniently, been left for me. I hadn’t noticed before that in the corner stood a closet. I opened it and it was empty. However on the inside of the door was a mirror and I drew my breath in as I looked at my reflection properly for the first time.

In that dress, with those socks and shoes and my hair parted in the middle, I looked like a girl–a real girl. There was no outward sign of Brian. Oh, the face was the same but the hair had sort of changed its shape, if you know what I mean. The clothes made my body look more girl-like all the way down to my short white socks and shiny black buckled shoes. I knew what this reflection reminded me of as I had seen photos in the old albums of mum when she was younger. I looked just like her. A strange uncomfortable feeling came over me, which I couldn’t pin down–

I slammed the door shut, not wanting to look any more. I hated being like this. I wasn’t a stupid girl; I was a strong, resourceful boy. I couldn’t wait for my voice to break and have hair on my face and grow big strong muscles like my dad–

It took a while to get over my black and guilty feelings. I was haunted by the face of my dad and then my mum. After a while, I lay down on the bed as the sun went down and it gradually got dark. In the distance I could hear the sounds of happy girls as they moved about, contented and sure of their future. I wished that I could feel the same. Then after a while, there was a bell ringing and everything gradually went quiet. After a while, I checked the door and then took off my dress, folding it neatly and putting it over the back of the chair. Just in my pants–knickers or whatever they are called–I padded back to the bed, covered myself with the scratchy blanket that I had found with the mattresses and after a while, fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke to sunlight streaming through the window. The bell rang for a while and I could hear the stirrings of the school waking up. Somehow, I felt better. I still grieved for my mum and felt a guilt that was real, even though I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t really to blame for my mother’s death. It was just one of those things. No, I had decided that I had to get on with my life and make the best of things as they were.

I got out of bed and looked out of the window. It was a bit misty and I could see a few rabbits gambolling about on the lawns and over in the distance, someone running around a lake that I had somehow missed from yesterday. The noises grew louder as the school woke up.

I smiled, realising that I would be able to make the most of things here. First though, I needed a uniform–so that I could get around downstairs, hopefully without being questioned–and a girl-name: I thought Bryony would be appropriate. I also needed as much knowledge as I could find out about the teachers, classes and everything that made the school tick. I would have to find someone who could be a friend, without, of course, giving myself or my secret away.

A lot to do, but first, when everyone had gone into breakfast, I would have to find a uniform that fitted me. It shouldn’t be too difficult–after all, I was an experienced thief.

To Be Continued...

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Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

The next morning, I awoke to sunlight streaming through the window. The bell rang for a while and I could hear the stirrings of the school waking up. Somehow, I felt better. I still grieved for my mum and felt a guilt that was real, even though I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t really to blame for my mother’s death. It was just one of those things. No, I had decided that I had to get on with my life and make the best of things as they were.

I got out of bed and looked out of the window. It was a bit misty and I could see a few rabbits gambolling about on the lawns and over in the distance, someone running around a lake that I had somehow missed from yesterday. The noises grew louder as the school woke up.

I smiled, realising that I would be able to make the most of things here. First though, I needed a uniform–so that I could get around downstairs, hopefully without being questioned–and a girl-name: I thought Bryony would be appropriate. I also needed as much knowledge as I could find out about the teachers, classes and everything that made the school tick. I would have to find someone who could be a friend, without, of course, giving myself or my secret away.

A lot to do, but first, when everyone had gone into breakfast, I would have to find a uniform that fitted me. It shouldn’t be too difficult–after all, I was an experienced thief.

And now the story continues…

I heard a bell ringing and the stampeding of feet, and realised straight away that the girls were going to breakfast. I was hungry myself but that would have to wait because I had other matters to attend to first, so I would just have to ignore my grumbling tum.

I could hardly expect that I wouldn’t be seen if I wandered around so I needed to be very careful or some interfering busybody would be wondering, one–why I wasn’t at breakfast and later lessons and two–why wasn’t I wearing a uniform?

I got dressed quickly. It still felt a bit strange wearing a dress, but alarmingly it didn’t bother me that much now. I was an actor, pretending to be somebody that I was not. People wear fancy dress, well this was my fancy dress and I wasn’t going to worry my head over it as I had a job to do and not much time to do it.

I finger-combed my hair, mentally noting that I needed to ‘borrow’ a hair brush and other personal items like a flannel, tooth brush and things like that.

Checking myself in the mirror, I still could not believe how girl-like I now looked and the spitting image of my mum when she was younger. I sighed, not wanting to think about my mum and getting all upset again. I had to try to concentrate on what I needed to do now.

I had no idea how long I had before breakfast finished. I needed to go and get the things I wanted and return to my room before anyone spotted me. Unlocking and then opening the door, I poked my head out. The floors were uncovered wood, so I would have heard anyone coming, but I was taking no chances.

The way was clear so I just closed the door behind me and locked it. It was my room now and I had hidden what few things that I had–including the money. The last thing I wanted was someone going into the room and realising that it was being used. I was carrying my shoes because I didn’t want to clomp on the wooden floors up there.

I reached the end of the corridor, stopped for a moment to put my shoes on–the buckles were a bit fiddly and for some reason my hands were shaking–then went down the short flight of stairs and opened the door a crack. There was no one about as I scanned the corridor, so I went through, closing the door behind me; then I proceeded down the corridor, stopping at the first door which was a dormitory. I poked my head around the door and as there was no one around, I went to the first bed, by the side of which was a clothes cupboard. I opened the door, smiling that it wasn’t locked. What a trusting lot these public schoolgirls were!

There were photos Selotaped to the inside of the door of several pop stars like Paul McCartney and Cliff Richard–girls eh?

Then, looking at the clothes I noticed that they were all for someone much bigger than me. I said a rude word, shut the cupboard door, then made my way out of the dormitory. After checking that the coast was clear, I went next door.

I picked a cupboard at random and opened up the door. This was more like it, the clothes looked more my size, which–let’s face it–was small, verging on the puny–probably, I estimated, the equivalent of an eleven-year-old. Then I had a look in several other wardrobes and they all contained similar clothes.

It would have raised suspicion had I taken things from just one of the wardrobes, so I did some unofficial shopping and took things from several, hoping that the girls wouldn't notice, then put the clothes on a bed. I checked the door and saw that there was still no one around so I went back in and to the bed to see what my haul, looked like.

There were two navy-blue gym tunics–pinafore dresses¹–a number of white blouses, three other non school dresses, some coloured blouses, skirts, cardigans an overcoat and raincoat. I didn't have much time, so after holding one of the gym tunics up against me, I could see that it would probably fit, with luck. I put it in my bag together with one of the blouses, a plain black skirt and a peach coloured dress, also I put in the raincoat as I needed to stay dry if I had to go out into the rain for something. Then I put the rest of the clothes back in the cupboards–hopefully in the right ones–but it didn’t really matter if they weren’t, as it might add to the confusion if anything was said about the missing clothes. I was hoping that they might think that it was all part of a joke or something; wasn’t I a devious person?

In the drawers beneath one of the cupboard were some underclothes, so I took a small selection of knickers, a few pairs of knee high white socks and a long cotton nightdress, in case I had to be out at night 'sleepwalking' or something. Also there was a pair of pink slippers, once again to help with my nocturnal expeditions for food and suchlike…

I heard a bell go in the distance and wasted no more time and put the clothes in my bag and hurried back down the corridor and up the stairs to what I now considered to be my room and temporary home.

When I arrived at the door, seemingly all fingers and thumbs, I fumbled with the key and dropped it in my haste to get in. The key clattered on the floor and I thought that the noise would wake the dead!

I stopped for a moment and listened. I could hear nothing and then the sound of hundreds of feet seemingly coming my way. Without wasting any more time, I picked up the key pushed it into the keyhole, turned it and opened the door.

In a moment, I was inside and had slammed it shut and locked it in one quick desperate movement.

My breath came in gasps, almost as if I had run a marathon. I listened for sounds of people coming near where I was, but all the sounds were coming from downstairs and not the floor I was on.

Going over to the bed, I sat down; that was too close for comfort. I would be an old woman–I mean man–before I was fourteen at this rate.

I lay down on the bed and thought things through. It was odds on that I would be caught out if I wasn’t careful. It was really important that I learnt how things were around here before going out on the off chance.

I would spend a lot of the day in this room and note down the times when there were people about legitimately. I was quite hungry but knew the dangers of wondering around the school during daytime without being caught. If this place was anything like my old school, prefects and teachers not on duty would prowl around looking for wayward pupils. Mind you, this being a posh public school, they may not do that here–although, I didn’t want to find out the hard way.

Another bell sounded and there was more noise, laughter and the sounds of girls running all over the place. This school was far from quiet.

After a minute all seemed quiet again. I looked out of the window carefully. From my high vantage point I could see a lot of the school grounds from here. There were extensive lawns leading down to a lake. To one side of the lake was a boathouse and outside stacked up were canoes, sailing dinghies and some rowing boats.

To the left of where I was, were some playing fields, a running track and a large playground. As I watched some girls in gym slips with red and blue sashes came out from an entrance over to the left of me and ran towards the playing fields. They were carrying hockey sticks and there was a lot of laughing and giggling, they were accompanied by a youngish teacher in a track suit and her hair in a ponytail.

Then some more girls in bathing suits and life jackets went towards the lake. It was lucky that it was still September, or I would have thought that it would be a bit chilly if they got dunked in the water.

For what seemed ages I watched the girls on the playing fields and on the water. I smiled somewhat sadly, feeling very envious that they were able to be in a position to really enjoy themselves while others like me had to struggle to survive.

Eventually, I turned away and had a look at the clothes that I had ‘borrowed’.

It was a start, but I would need more clothes, I realised that. I tried on the school uniform, struggling a bit with the buttons on the blouse that were, to me anyway, the wrong way round.

Once I had donned the blouse, I tried the gym tunic which was much easier to put on as it was just a question of putting it over my head and putting my arms through the arm-holes.

Looking in the mirror, I thought that I looked like any of the girls that I had seen outside. The uniform was slightly big for me, but not too bad at all. I smiled shyly, I was sure I would be able to blend in. My first test would be at lunch time when I would chance going to see where I could grab a bite to eat. There would, I hoped, be safety in numbers and I would try my best to be the model pupil and get some food, eat it and disappear back up to my lair. Then, later on I would do the same at tea time. Tonight, I had decided, I would do some serious looking around to get a better idea of where everything was and how I could take advantage of that knowledge.

~ §~

I changed out of my school uniform–funny that, ‘my school uniform’ and changed back into my original dress.

I spent the rest of the morning either watching the girls at play or just lying on my bed. To tell you the truth, I was bored half the time and worried the rest about how I was going to manage and what lay in the future for me.

Laying there, looking up at the plain white, slightly cobwebbed ceiling, I wondered what was happening back at ‘home’.

Had mum been buried yet? No, she had only died yesterday and they may have to do one of those post-mortem things on her. The thought of her being cut up made me feel a bit sick so I tried to take my mind off it.

I wondered if I anyone was searching for me. It was probable as everyone knew that mum had a son and let’s face it, I was well known in the area. Then there was the 999 phone call. It didn’t take rocket science to realise that I was missing. Percy Pointer was probably sticking his long nose into things and telling anyone who would listen how I had kicked him in his crown jewels and then ran off.

The choice I had made to hole up in the school was a good one. I looked nothing like I had as a boy and was in a place in which no boy of my age would be seen dead. I got up and went to the window again, smiling as I saw the girls laughing and giggling in their canoes and occasionally getting a soaking when they capsized. There were plenty of teachers about too and I noticed that apart from one sporty type in a track suit, they were all women.

It was strange but the teachers all looked rather nice and weren’t shouting and screaming at the kids all the time. This was a stark contrast to my old school where no one ever smiled, least of all the teachers.

Below me was a gravelled path along which I could see a few girls strolling. They stopped just below where I was and I pulled down the sash window carefully so as to not make a noise. I strained to hear what they were saying.

‘So, Cynth, what do you think?’

‘I don’t know, maybe we can have a dorm party tonight as Melissa has had a parcel from her people. There were lots of delish things in it from what I could see when she let me have a peep.’

‘Like what?’

‘Well, she has biscuits, chocolate, cakes, some lemonade, all things like that.’

‘Sounds delish, mind you she can be a bit of a hoarder, our Melissa.’

‘Well, we can always jump on her head!’ They both giggled and moved on.

I went back and sat on my bed. Their posh accents were interesting, I hadn’t thought about that. I would have to sound like them for me to blend in.

My normal voice would give me away, even though it hadn’t broken, but I was lucky in as much as I was a good mimic. It had helped a bit at my own school where I could impersonate some teachers, pupils and television stars to make the bullies laugh rather than hit me. It didn’t always work, but it did sometimes.

‘Oh Stephanie, don’t be beastly.’ I said quietly in my best posh girl-type voice. It was a bit too shrill, high and unnatural to my ears, so I lowered and modulated the tone slightly–it sounded much better and more natural all ‘jolly hockey sticks and Horlicks before bedtime’. I would have to listen to some of the girls talk a bit more before I would be happy with my new voice. Maybe, I could pick up some more at lunch?

Lunch; that reminded me how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten much in the last couple of days and my tummy was grumbling rather a lot; It was lucky I was well away from the other girls or my rumblings would have given me away. I would just have to wait.

Eventually the bell went. It was one o’clock and that appeared to be the time for lunch. I swiftly changed back into uniform, put on my shoes, brushed my hair and sallied forth as they say in books.

I made my way along the corridor, down the stairs and opened the door at the bottom–just a crack. There were three girls just coming out of a dormitory and walking away from me. I came through the door, closing it quietly behind me and followed them at a distance. They were so busy giggling and talking, they had no idea that I was following them. Why do girls giggle like that? You wouldn’t hear a boy giggle, it sounds stupid!

On the next floor down, there were more girls–lots more and I just joined the general throng heading downstairs. No one paid any attention to me. I was good at blending into the background and not being noticed and that suited me down to the ground.

There was a great deal of chatter and babble–they all had a sort of plummy voice, but some had slight northern accents, other’s sounded like they came from the west country and I swear that I could hear the smattering of Scottish and Welsh in there somewhere. I took it all in, trying to absorb how they spoke and the kind of things they talked about. The younger ones seemed to like shouting, giggling and generally making as much noise as possible about how Amanda was in detention and how Julie pulled Claire’s hair in prep, whatever that was. The older ones seemed to like discussing boys, men, fashion, pop stars, makeup and clothes–and more boys.

All this was very interesting and I filed it all away for future reference. Being, by looks anyway, about eleven, I was more interested in those girls and what they did and said, rather than the older ones.

Very soon I found myself in a large hall with a huge ceiling and lots of tables dotted around to the right and left in a sort of cafeteria style layout where the girls grabbed a tray and went along choosing what they wanted as they went down the line. There were a number of catering staff behind the counter, dishing out the food. I just joined the queue behind a girl about my age.

‘What would you like, dearie,’ the lady in white behind the counter asked the girl in front.

‘Sausages and chips please.’

‘There you are dearie,’ she said as a plate was handed to her and the girl moved on.

‘How about you dearie?’

‘Can I have the same please?’ I asked.

To my ears, I sounded all right and the lady didn’t throw up her hands in horror and shout ‘fraud’ so I assumed that I was doing okay, accent wise–gosh, this was such fun!

I carried on down the counter, received an apple crumble with custard and then finally some orange squash and then picked up some cutlery and went over to a corner with my tray where there were a number of empty tables.

The place was filling up rapidly and the sound of girlish voices increased. There were a few teachers or dinner ladies dotted around the room and I naturally steered well clear of them when I had chosen the place to sit. In fact it was a rather good place as it was quite near a pot plant with large leaves that hid a lot of the room from me and vice versa.

I was just about to bite into a juicy sausage when a girl came up to the table, she looked about twelve.

‘Is this taken?’ She asked.

‘Erm, yes, I’m waiting for my friends to come–sorry.’

She looked disappointed, shrugged and moved off down the room.

I felt bad about that. Maybe like me she was new. Mind you, at least her parents, who I bet were Mummykins and Daddykins, cared for her enough to pay for her education. Mine weren’t bothered either way, leastwise lately, that is. Mum had been proud of me once and when I received a book as a prize in my junior school, she looked really happy then.

Looking around constantly, I was trying to take in and mimic what the girls were doing. Girls, I realised were vastly different from boys in the way they talked, acted and presented themselves. Girls seemed to like touching a lot, arms, hands, you name it. If a girl saw a friend, they hugged. What boy in his right mind would do that?

All this touchy-feely stuff was making me feel a bit sick, but not sick enough to put me off my food. Soon I had eaten my fill and I didn’t waste much time and went out of the dinner room–or refectory as I had learnt it was called–and began to make my way back upstairs.

‘You, girl.’

My heart leapt into my mouth as I turned around to be met with a rather stern looking lady in black robes of a teacher.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Erm, up to the d…dorm, Miss.’

‘For what reason?’

‘’T—t-t—to get my hankie, Miss.’

‘Hankie, hankie? The word is handkerchief; young girls of today are always trying to shorten words–I can’t abide sloppy speech. You know that you are not allowed in the dormitories at lunchtime. Get a tissue or something from one of your friends and then go out and get some fresh air.’

‘Yes, Miss.’ I squeaked going down three steps and moving past her.

‘What is your name?’ she demanded as I passed her.

‘Lucinda Davenport.’ I replied with the first posh name I could think of, Lucinda sounded posher than Bryony–I must be becoming a snob, maybe I could be Lucinda Bryony Davenport.

‘You are new, I see, well I’ll let it pass this once, but detention next time, all right?’

I just nodded.

Then she smiled and she looked a lot less forbidding.

‘Cut along then.’

I cut.

~ §~

When I ventured outside, I didn’t hang about but ran off down the path and hid behind a hedge, sitting down and then catching my breath. It didn’t look strange, my running off like that as lots of the girls were running around and letting off steam. I was just making sure that I kept out of their way.

I wasn’t the only girl by to be alone; some were lying down on the grass reading or just daydreaming. Others were just wandering about, no doubt happy in their own company. I noticed that one of the girls by herself was the one that asked if she could sit at my table. I wondered if she was new or a loner. I knew all about loners, I had been one all of my life. I had never been good at making friends even though I was a bit of a comedian and comic. My small stature had always picked me out as one who could be tormented.

~ §~

I stayed put until the bell rang and everyone went indoors. I made sure I wasn’t observed as I made my way upstairs and back to the safety of my room. I had had a nice lunch and learned a few things in the mean time. I knew where to go for meals and that I had to go out with the others at break time. I had seen that not all the girls stayed together, some liked to be by themselves which suited me down to the ground. I wanted to be that girl who people recognised as being part of the school. If I could do that without making waves, that would be all right with me.

Now I knew the way of things, I took a chance about an hour later and stole out of my room again and went downstairs to the dormitories. The corridor was empty and there was no one about as I presumed that everyone was beavering away in lessons–rather them than me!

I went to the first dorm, where the bigger girls slept and over to the cupboard that I had tried that morning. Opening it, I looked at the inside of the door again. In amongst all the pin-up’s there was a timetable. I had a look in one of the girls’ drawers and found a pencil and note paper. I took them out and jotted down the times of breakfast, lunch, tea, and high tea as well as all the other breaks during the day. I noted that lights out was at nine pm for the older kids and eight o’clock for the younger ones. The fourth, fifth and sixth years were able to stay up until ten thirty —lucky things.

I replaced everything where I found it and then left, noting that there was a newspaper in the waste paper basket. I took it out, as it would be something to read later, and then went into the younger girls’ dormitory. I had a hunch that these were new girls, mainly from the fact that all the clothes seemed new and the place seemed stuffed full of stuffed animals–well an exaggeration as they were on the kids’ pillows.

I rifled through a few drawers. There was a small amount of money in some but I left that. I did take a flannel, some soap, a tooth brush still in its packet and some toothpaste from the bottom of one of the drawers though, hoping that by the time it was discovered, I would be long gone.

I thought whilst doing all this that I might get away with a few clothes and other things missing; that, I hoped, could be put down to laundry mistakes and the likes, but if I stole valuables, the place would be humming with people trying to find out who the pilferer was.

Eventually, at the bottom of a cupboard, I found what I was after–a pamphlet about the school. It was one that was obviously given to new girls as it said ‘Welcome to our school,’ on the front. I wasted no more time and took it out and added to the newspaper. Then I saw that there was a shelf full of books. I went over and picked out a couple at random–more things to read while I was waiting about in my own “dormy”, as I had heard some of the girls saying. I liked reading; it took me away from my worries and problems.

I put my head around the door and as the way was clear, I hurried upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me. After putting the things on my bed, I went to the window. I could see more girls out on the playing fields and running track, although the lake was empty.

It seemed that this school was very sporty. My school played football in the winter and cricket in the summer, although it wasn’t much good with either. It took teachers that cared and pupils who were enthusiastic, to produce the sort of school spirit to make a success of games. This school compared to my old one was poles apart in that respect and once again, I felt jealous of the girls here. Even the uniforms were clean and smart here, compared with the ones at my old school, where appearances didn’t seem to matter much.

As things were quiet and I knew that, as I would hear anybody approaching from the sound of their shoes on the wooden stairs that led up to this floor, I was pretty safe from being surprised.

I think that this floor had either been used by servants in years gone by or as dormitories at one time. I needed to use the toilet rather badly, both number one and number two, as mum used to say, so I wondered if there was one on this floor as I didn’t really want to go where I might be seen, too often. I therefore took my shoes off, to stop the clonking, put the pink slippers on, which were nice and soft and comfortable, even though I didn’t think that pink was my colour and then went down the corridor to have a look-see.

There were several rooms on either side that looked similar to the one I was staying in. Some were empty and others had old furniture, beds and other items in there. I reached the end where there was a door in front of me. I opened it and smiled. Lady Luck was on my side as it was a bathroom with lots of sinks and toilet cubicles. I quickly went over to one cubicle and opened the door, wrinkling my nose as it hadn’t been used in a while and the water down the toilet looked a bit off. I was lucky that there was still some Izal toilet paper on a toilet paper holder and I used it to wipe the seat before sitting down. I sighed with relief as I went and thanked my lucky stars that I had found somewhere where I could go without waking up the whole school.

I pulled the chain and worried a bit as it the cistern was bit noisy and clanky. A few heart-stopping moments later, all was quiet again. As I had heard no stampeding of feet, I think that this time I had got away with it. Next time I pulled the chain, I would make sure that there were plenty of background noises first!

~ §~

Studying the details that I had written down from the timetable, high tea was at a quarter to seven and it was soon that time. The bell had gone several times in the afternoon and as I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t go down to tea, which was at four.

I put on my uniform again and as soon as the noises began I went downstairs. Peeping around the door, I did a double take as no one was wearing a uniform. They were dressed in ordinary dresses for the main part or skirts and blouses. I sneaked back up to my room and did a change so quick that Superman would have been proud–or would that be Superwoman?–the way I was now wearing the frock that I originally came here with. I didn’t wear my “new” dress that I had erm–“acquired”–just in case it was recognised by one of the gels.

Anyway, I went back out again and quickly made my way downstairs, once again following some other chattering and giggling girls–what is it with this giggling? I would have to practice even though it might make me choke!

I was up close behind some bigger girls as they entered the dining room and it wasn’t until I had taken several steps in that I saw that, rather than lots of individual tables, now there were four rows of them and all the girls were finding their way over and sitting down. I felt like a deer in headlights as nearly all the girls were seated. I had just turned around to bolt out the door and do my famous disappearing trick when someone grabbed my arm. Looking around, it was another lady smiling down at me.

‘Not sure where to go? Find an empty seat somewhere, there’s no ceremony here. New girls always have problems at first; you’ll soon get the hang of it.’

‘Thank you, Miss,’ I said with a slight tremble in my false posh voice.

‘Run along then, dear.’ she said.

I turned to my left and sat in the nearest seat between two girls about my age or younger. In front of me on the table, there was a soup plate on top and others underneath. With knives forks and spoons either side of the plates, silver by the look of them. They certainly didn’t go hungry here and Solly Worth would love this place; it was a fences dream!

One of the girls was speaking to someone across the table and the other one was spinning a spoon and looking a bit bored.

‘Hello,’ said the spoon spinner, glancing up and smiling, ‘not seen you here before, are you new like us?’

I looked at the girl. She was pleasant enough and was smiling.

‘Yes, I arrived yesterday, a bit late, ’coz I have only just got back from New York.’

‘Soooooper! I love New York. Did you have a fab time?’

‘Yes, it was great–erm–super.’

‘Did you go with your parents?’

I gulped for some reason, nearly starting to blub like a girl, but I got myself together and replied with the first thing that came into my head.

‘No, grandparents–it was a treat.’

‘Super. We must chat about it after. Did you go up the Empire State––?’

There was a clap of hands and a lady on the top table stood up; she had the look of a headmistress–so this was Amelia Molestrangler M.A. (Oxon), I bet she starched her knickers.

‘Girls–prayers.’

Looking around I could see that the others including my new ‘friend’ had closed their eyes and bowed their heads, I did the same–when in Rome…

‘For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen. O Lord, please protect and look after the poor child of Sharon Tranter. His name is Brian. He lost his mother in tragic circumstances not three miles from here. He is missing and Lord, we ask that you protect him and keep him safe from harm–Amen.’

I kept my eyes closed and didn’t look up. There was silence around the room for a moment and all I could hear was the sound of my tears falling on the soup plate in front of me––

To Be Continued...

---

¹ Gym tunic, gymslip or pinafore dress: known as a “jumper” in the USA. In UK a jumper is a woolly pullover. Girls at boarding school often refer to their gym tunics as “gymmers”.

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

I was up close behind some bigger girls as they entered the dining room and it wasn’t until I had taken several steps in that I saw that, rather than lots of individual tables, now there were four rows of them and all the girls were finding their way over and sitting down. I felt like a deer in headlights as nearly all the girls were seated. I had just turned around to bolt out the door and do my famous disappearing trick when someone grabbed my arm. Looking around, it was another lady smiling down at me.

‘Not sure where to go? Find an empty seat somewhere, there’s no ceremony here. New girls always have problems at first; you’ll soon get the hang of it.’

‘Thank you, Miss,’ I said with a slight tremble in my false posh voice.

‘Run along then, dear.’ she said.

I turned to my left and sat in the nearest seat between two girls about my age or younger. In front of me on the table, there was a soup plate on top and others underneath. With knives forks and spoons either side of the plates, silver by the look of them. They certainly didn’t go hungry here and Solly Worth would love this place; it was a fences dream!

One of the girls was speaking to someone across the table and the other one was spinning a spoon and looking a bit bored.

‘Hello,’ said the spoon spinner, glancing up and smiling, ‘not seen you here before, are you new like us?’

I looked at the girl. She was pleasant enough and was smiling.

‘Yes, I arrived yesterday, a bit late, ’coz I have only just got back from New York.’

‘Soooooper! I love New York. Did you have a fab time?’

‘Yes, it was great–erm–super.’

‘Did you go with your parents?’

I gulped for some reason, nearly starting to blub like a girl, but I got myself together and replied with the first thing that came into my head.

‘No, grandparents–it was a treat.’

‘Super. We must chat about it after. Did you go up the Empire State––?’

There was a clap of hands and a lady on the top table stood up; she had the look of a headmistress–so this was Amelia Molestrangler M.A. (Oxon), I bet she starched her knickers.

‘Girls–prayers.’

Looking around I could see that the others including my new ‘friend’ had closed their eyes and bowed their heads; I did the same–when in Rome…

‘For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen. O Lord, please protect and look after the poor child of Sharon Tranter. His name is Brian. He lost his mother in tragic circumstances not three miles from here. He is missing and Lord, we ask that you protect him and keep him safe from harm–Amen.’

I kept my eyes closed and didn’t look up. There was silence around the room for a moment and all I could hear was the sound of my tears falling on the soup plate in front of me––

And now the story continues…

There was the immediate noise of hundreds of starving girls as they started eating, drinking and being jolly merry. I was pleased, as the racket distracted possible attention from how upset I was.

I was looking down, my long hair for once, not a nuisance as it curtained my face as I carried on looking down as I tried to get my emotions back under control.

I looked up as I was tapped on the arm.

‘So, you liked New York?’ said the chatty girl, continuing the conversation as if they’re hadn’t been an interruption, ‘I do to…oh, you’re crying, why?’

‘Oh, erm, it was just…just that I was sad about that woman and boy who has gone missing?’

‘Gosh, you are sensitive. Yes rotten shame that. I bet the boy is terribly upset, I know I would be if I lost Mummy–Daddy too–he’s a brick. Look, wipe your face. Where’s your hankie?’

‘U…upstairs in the dormitory.’ I sniffed.

‘Oh, use mine, it’s clean and I have heaps of the stupid things upstairs; prezzies from grandma–every year, knickers, stockings, socks and hankies. I would much rather have a Beatles LP, wouldn’t you and isn’t that Paul to die for?’

‘Y—yes, I suppose.’

Someone tapped my shoulder and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked up and behind me and there was a woman looking down at me with a concerned look on her face.

‘Are you alright dear? You look a bit upset.

She was wearing a teacher’s gown–old fashioned but it was that type of school.

‘Y— ¬yes, m—miss.’

‘You look a bit peaky,’ she felt my rather damp forehead, ‘mmm, a bit hot. After dinner, pop up and see matron. What’s your name? I don’t think that I have seen you about.’

‘Lu—Lucinda Davenport.’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘Well, Lu ¬—Lucinda, tell matron that you’re excused prep tonight and get a chit for your form mistress to that effect. If you have any sort of temperature, we don’t want you breathing germs over everyone, do we?’

‘Yes, Miss...I mean no miss,’ I sniffed, hamming it up a bit and adding to the impression that I might be going down with something.

The teacher–I had just twigged that they were called mistresses in posh schools like this–smiled again and then walked on, her heels noisy on the parquet flooring as she stopped and spoke to several girls.

‘She’s nice, isn’t she, Luce?’ said the girl.

‘Eh what: yes she is?’ I said, turning back to my new uninvited friend. ‘Who is she?’

‘Miss Packworthy, head of the second year. She can be frightfully strict, but she’s a bit like a hard boiled sweets you get from the tuck shop with a soft centre and her bark is worse than her bite.’

‘What’s your name?’ I asked, a bit confused with her somehow mixing sweets and dogs. We were in the pause between the soup being whipped away and the next whatever that was.

‘Tanya, well, don’t laugh but it’s really Titania, you know from William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night's Dream? I think my parents have a weird idea about names. My sister Helena is the fourth year, she told me all about the mistreses and everyone else here. She’s all right, for a sister, but a bit bossy sometimes.’

All talk ceased as our dinner arrived.

I haven’t explained, but it appears that pupils took turns serving the food, each year taking the job on and changing weekly, I supposed that it was the closest that they would get to serfdom in their pampered lives. The kids came in with lots of plates containing bangers and mash with onion gravy. Others carried heaped plates of bread and butter. And here was I thinking that they would be eating posh nosh!

Anyway, as I said, the dinners were served by some kids who didn’t seem to like the chore too much. My mouth watered just looking at it steaming mound in front of me. I wasn’t a well brought up gel and would have jumped in and gorged myself in a trice if I wasn’t supposed to be one of the elite, stinking rich, plum in the the mouth sort that came here–not that I have any sort of chip on my shoulder, of course. So I just took a grip on myself and tried not to make a little piggy of myself.

Tanya managed to do a neat trick; she could talk continuously and somehow manage to finish her meal at the same time. Me? Well I was so hungry I must admit that half of what she had to say washed over me. As I wasn’t ‘well’ I was not expected to hold up a conversation and I sniffed and coughed delicately at times just to reinforce the fact that I was coming down with something.

I did take some of what she said in, but it wasn’t much, as she was more interested in the dresses she had bought in the hols and weren’t the Hollies a great group? Not as good as The Beatles or Freddie and the Dreamers, but still, they are really with it…

On she went and I just ate and grunted my agreement or nodded when required. The place was so noisy with the combined rabbiting of all those girls; I had real fear for my hearing. Why do girls talk so much? We men are strong and silent types and only speak when absolutely necessary.

Dinner was consumed and pudding was jam rolly-polly with thin yellow custard. I prefer thick custard, but I wasn’t about to complain to the cook and just ate it up like a good little girl–well boy who looked like a girl, anyway.

Tanya was saying something.

‘What?’ I said, ‘I mean, pardon?’

‘I said I wish that I was as pretty as you. I am an ugly duckling. Mummy says it’s just puppy fat, but what does she know.’

‘I’m not pretty,’ I said forcibly, ‘but you are.’

‘Thanks for being nice, but I know what I look like. I have to stare at my face in the mirror. I bet when you get older, all the boys will be after you.’

‘Rubbish,’ I replied, but feeling strangely happy with what she was saying and then got her off the subject swiftly as I didn’t want to even think about being considered pretty. ‘So, erm, d’you like The Rolling Stones?’

‘They’re all right, I s’pose; Mummy adores Mick Jagger and whenever they come on the box she stops whatever she’s doing to watch them. I asked if she liked their songs, but she said she preferred watching them as she could see Mick’s willie and goolies flopping up and down inside his trousers.’

‘His what?’ I asked, not believing my ears.

‘Oh, you must know, Luce,’ Tanya replied; ‘his boy-bits–you know the dangly things boys have down there,’ she winked knowingly, ‘instead of a front bottom like we girls have. I’ve got an elder brother and I’ve seen his. Have you ever seen a boy’s goolies and willie, Luce?’

~ §~

Soon, dinner was finished and I got up with Titty-Tanya or whatever she called herself. She was a nice girl, but a bit dim and to tell you the truth, I just wanted to get away and up to my room without any more fuss.

‘So, are you going to the San?’ asked Tanya as we got up and left the hall with the other girls.

‘San?’

‘Yes, silly; the Sanatorium where Matron gives you ghastly concoctions for whatever is wrong with you.’

‘I might––’

‘–You better had or Miss Packworthy will have your guts for garters.’

‘All right, I’ll go.’ I said coughing delicately behind my hand and hopefully looking as if I was suffering in silence. ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘What dorm are you in?’

I coughed more loudly and pretended to sneeze.

‘Sorry, better dash, see you later.’

I hurried off down the corridor. I had no idea where Matron and her lotions and potions were, but anything to get away from Tanya and her annoying questions.

By some fluke, I was heading in the right direction and it soon became apparent that the girls had disappeared. I assumed that they were doing their prep–whatever that was. Anyway, I walked straight past the Sanatorium and then around a few corners until I found the stairs where I needed to go to get up to my own room. The place was as quite as a church and I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t meet anyone as I climbed the now familiar stairs that led to my room.

Mind you, this was a golden opportunity to have a look in another dormitory to see if there was anything that I might find useful. I didn’t really feel guilty about rummaging through drawers and closets. These girls had it all and I was into wealth distribution in a big way. I found a torch and that was a nice useful item. I made sure it worked before pinching it and luckily it was nice and bright.

Other items I acquired were a hair brush and a few more pairs of knickers, a girl–I mean boy–can’t have enough knickers…I stopped at that thought and my giggle sounded quite realistic. I found some hair ribbons and for some reason on an impulse, I took a selection including red, blue (after all I was a boy) and pink, together with several hair clips; one pair having some rather pretty butterflies on them. A lot of the girls did the Alice thing and it kept their hair back using ribbons and I thought that they might help me to blend in. I was only being practical and I was not going all girlish!

Then over in one corner I saw what looked suspiciously like a clothes basket. Not being one to miss an opportunity, I went over and lifted the lid of the wicker basket and there were various items of clothing. I searched through, ignoring the yucky knickers–I do have standards–and found a couple of blouses and skirts that looked about my size, a nice, I mean functional cream cardigan, a few slips and a pink dressing gown–pink isn’t my colour really but I was strangely drawn to it as I already had a few items of this obviously girlish colour and anyway it would be useful to have on my nocturnal expeditions and would add to my impersonation of a giddy, jolly-hockeysticks schoolgirl.

I was nearly done and finally, I struck lucky in the last drawer that I tried. There was a map of the school with all the classrooms and other places in the building including the kitchen and offices. This was a really great find because now I would be able to find my way around without difficulty.

I had been long enough and with a final check to make sure that everything–on the surface anyway–looked the same as when I went in, I left the dorm, carrying my plunder and made my way swiftly along the corridor and through the door that led upstairs to my room.

I was only just in time as when I closed the door leading up to my landing, I could hear another door open behind me and the sound of steps coming my way!

I took off my shoes, so my feet weren’t noisy and scampered up the stairs as quietly as I could and ran to my door, opening it swiftly; I shut it behind me and locked it, then breathed a huge sigh of relief as I sank down on the bed. I held my breath for a moment just in case the mysterious feet had followed me, but all was quiet again.

That could have been awkward! How could I have explained being in a dorm and rummaging through girls’ drawers––?

‘Ooh, I’m just the maid miss, cleaning up after those girls, Lord luv a duck! ’ followed by a curtsy, of course. Nah, somehow I think it wouldn’t have worked!

Taking off my shoes, I lay down on the bed with my head on the pillow and had a bit of a think.

There were a few times when I had been close to being caught out, but I had managed to get out of trouble by the skin of my teeth. I couldn’t expect to get away with my deception forever, but as long as I could, I would stay at the school and make the most of things.

A couple of weeks should do it, I reckoned. Then the search for me would have died down and I could go on my merry way. Where that way was, I wasn’t sure, but I knew I was on borrowed time here and I would have to be very careful in future.

That got me thinking about the school and the people who lived here. I must admit, from what I had seen, they didn’t seem a bad bunch. Tanya went on a bit, but her heart was in the right place. I had seen no sign of bullying or lack of respect for the mistresses. This was in stark contrast to my former school where bullying was rife and the mistresses didn’t know or maybe even care about what was going on under their very noses.

I smiled as I remembered what Miss Packworthy had said. She really seemed to care about how I was feeling. We could have done with a dozen like her at my old school. Maybe then I wouldn’t have needed to stay away from the place so much and or have Percy Pointer on my tail all the time.

I got up and went to the table. The books that I had ‘borrowed’ were in there. I couldn’t do much for a while. It was still light–just and the kids wouldn’t be going to bed just yet. I had plans for later, but for now I would take it easy and have a read and wait for things to die down. I picked up one of the books and went back over to the bed and lay down.

Looking at the book I could see that it was called Excitements at the Chalet School. Shrugging, I opened it up and started to read.

It was a story about a school called The Chalet School–obviously. A boarding school in Switzerland of all places full of young gels and understanding mistresses–a sort of bad girl makes good and becomes the mistress’s pet type book. A bit like this place, maybe–with hills and yodelling thrown in for good measure. Still it kept me going for a bit until the light faded and I couldn’t read any more. The windows had no curtains and although the electric light worked and I had a torch, I just couldn’t take the chance of some busybody seeing a light coming from the–supposedly empty–room.

Eventually, I could hear noises from down below as the girls finally made their way up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire and got ready for bed. I just hoped that they all went to bed early like good little girls so that I could do a bit of a reconnaissance.

I thought about things for a while and decided to get in character, so I got undressed and put on the long cotton nightdress. If I was caught out of bed–horror of horrors–I would pretend that I was going to the toilet–I’m sure I’d heard them calling it “the loo” or “the lav”–or something. Fully dressed wasn’t an option creeping along darkened corridors in the middle of the night.

It felt strange wearing a nightdress rather than pyjamas and a bit draughty to say the least, but it wasn’t unpleasant, quite the contrary, so I just got into bed picked up my book and torch, went under the covers and read a bit more about The Chalet School and all about Joey Bettany and her chums.

~ §~

I don’t remember switching off the torch and I woke up in the dark, my head still under the covers with my book; I must have been quite tired. I yawned and sat up. It was still very dark and I wondered what time it was. I would have to ‘borrow’ a watch from someone. Then a few seconds, almost on cue, I heard the distant sound of the clock in the tower chime the hour. It was two o’clock.

‘Mmm, perfect.’ I thought.

My dear old dad, in one of his more chatty moods, told me that the best time for a bit of burglary is from about one to four AM when everyone was normally deeply asleep. Well, if they weren’t asleep now they would never be.

I slipped out of bed, put on my pink dressing gown and pink fluffy slippers–if my dad could see me now–put my hair in a pony tail using an elastic band, picked up my torch and trusty swag-bag and I was ready. Then I stopped, remembering the map, I picked it up and put it in my dressing gown pocket.

I went to the door and unlocked it silently, opened it and poked my head around. All clear, but very dark with just a faint moonlit glow coming from the window down the corridor.

Slipping out, I made my way along the corridor and reached the staircase. I stopped for moment, my ears straining for any sounds–nothing–so I continued down the stairs and opened the door at the bottom, just a crack.

There was light on the other side from a single bulb, half way down but nothing more. It was probably left on in case the girls needed to use the lavatory or something. Once again I stopped and held my breath as I listened for any sounds. Apart from someone snoring rather loudly in one of the dorms, it was all quiet on the western front.

I closed the door quietly and then made my way silently in my pink slippers down to the end and continued downstairs, stopping occasionally to have a listen. Eventually I was on the ground floor and heading towards the kitchens according to my map. Here and there were dotted ceiling lights that made the place feel a bit eerie as there were plenty of shadows out of the light where rampant mistresses might be lurking in wait for me. But this school didn’t seem to be into high security and for that I was grateful.

The kitchens were at the far end of the school and I soon found them. I pushed the swing doors open and there I was. I could smell greens and wrinkled my nose. I hated greens and had a theory that they are cooked for at least three days before being served up.

There were a couple of large refrigerators in the corner and I crept over and opened one. The light came on, sending a glow across the kitchen. I only hoped that some sort phantom cook wouldn’t pop up from somewhere with a dirty great meat cleaver–dripping with blood, natch. You may have noticed that I have a rather vivid imagination.

Anyway, there were meat pies, sausage rolls, sliced meat in dishes, a trifle and all sorts of goodies.

My idea was to take a few bits and pieces and take them back to my room. Then I wouldn’t need to use go down for meals so much, if at all. Clever gir–boy, aren’t I? I took one of the pies and three of the sausage rolls. I was tempted by the trifle, but wouldn’t trifle with it.

Mind you, there were several pints of milk too, so as I needed healthy teeth and bones, I snaffled a pint and put it in my bag with the other food. I went quickly and opened several doors and finding the pantry, I appropriated two packets of biscuits, some apples and oranges and a banana because, after all, fruit is good for you.

With a nearly full bag and as I didn’t want to stretch my luck, I left the kitchen and made my way back to my room.

The dim light was okay to see by, so I didn’t need my torch and that was good. I passed a door and glanced at the name plate. It said ‘Office’.

After a moment I decided that I could have a quick peak, as offices sometimes have money laying carelessly in closed drawers for anyone to come in and take.

I opened the door–it wasn’t locked–and entered.

I marvelled at the fact that they didn’t appear to be doing anything at all about stopping people like me from getting in and plundering the place. My dad would be salivating over the opportunities here and probably weeping with joy–emotional man, my dad.

Anyway, I was in the office and the lights were all out. I used my trusty torch and the place was then bathed in light. There were two desks, one with a typewriter on it. Papers were on the desks in trays and there were several filing cabinets dotted around the room. Over in the corner was another door and on the door it said ‘Head Mistress’.

My heart sort of flipped at seeing the sign for some reason. Anyway, I didn’t have time for wool gathering, so I had a look through some drawers and the filing cabinets and was more than a bit peeved that no money was evident.

One filing cabinet I hadn’t tried was over in the corner next to the dreaded head mistresses door. I went over and looked at the label. It said ‘Pupil records’.

I opened the cabinet. It was a bit squeaky and I stopped for a moment and listened. I do wish people would use oil or something on these runners.

As I heard no sound I had a peek inside. There were tabbed sections, A to Z. I picked up one of the records and written on the sheet was Lorna Ainsworth and it had all sorts of details like full name, address, age, doctors, parents, contact details and a number of other things like academic records.

At the front were some unused sheets and I wondered…could I?

After pondering for a moment, I took Lorna’s sheet and a few of the unused ones and stuck them in my bag and then as quietly as possible, I shut the drawer, wincing at the screeching noise and hoping that there was not anyone sleepwalking tonight.

I didn’t have any more time to think and I was just about to leave when I glanced at the head mistresses door. Should I?

I did.

I went over, half expecting the door to be locked but it wasn’t. ‘What is it with these people,’ I wondered as I went in the room and shut the door quietly behind me.

The torch was quite powerful and I swept the room with its strong beam. I suppose I thought that it would be like the head masters room at my old school; a place that I was intimately acquainted with. With the desk and cane lying along the front, just to intimidate the poor kids quavering in their shoes; pictures of long gone headmasters lining the walls like wanted posters adding to the gloom and lack of compassion. A functional room without any frills, without a doubt. A bit like our head, a plain man, rather short in stature but big with ideas as to how his school should be run–with a rod of iron. He gave sadists a bad name. It was a pity that the cane only appeared to be used on those who were the least offensive, while those who bullied seemed to get preferential treatment. There was a man who only smiled when he knew that he was going to inflict corporal punishment.

This room was different though. It was a study with wood panelled walls, a long comfortable sofa in the corner; a mahogany desk dominating the room with of all things, flowers on it and a comfortable leather and wood office chair behind the desk. The floor was thickly carpeted and my slippered feet sank slightly into the deep pile. There was a big fireplace over to my left and to the right were French doors looking out, I think, onto the lawns outside.

A nice room, a comfortable room, a room where people would be welcomed and not, hopefully, too frightened to go into. Oh there were probably naughty girls but I wouldn’t mind betting at that point that the punishment would be fair and not too physical. A hundred lines rather than a dozen lashes?

I went over and sat in the office chair; then I went over to the sofa and sat on that. It was as comfortable as it looked. I could have rifled through the drawers, but something stopped me–guilt? No, not me, I was beyond all that; no it was because I didn’t really have time.

I stood up again and the torch beam reflected on a long floor length mirror over in the corner. I wondered why it was there. I couldn’t think that Amelia Molstrangler was a vain person. I shrugged and walked over to the mirror and caught my breath as I saw my reflection.

Looking at my face and hair up in a rather high ponytail, wearing an obviously girl’s dressing gown with a long nightdress peaking out beneath; together with the slippers–a shocking pink in colour–I felt a bit strange, but looked every inch the girl I was pretending to be. It felt right somehow. As if these clothes and persona was the me I was all along. I felt tears sting my eyes as I shook my head angrily, trying to chase those bazaar thoughts out of my head.

I was a boy, for goodness sake, and proud of it. I had only been here for five minutes and I was thinking like a girl–it must be something in the water. I didn’t know how long I could stay here before I was beyond saving. What would my mum and dad think, looking at me now, dressed as a girl and snivelling like one too!

I tore my eyes away from the disquieting reflection of the false me and moved towards the door, not wanting to think about things and wanting to get back to my room–sharpish…

Then there was a noise–

Coming from outside in the office––

I searched around desperately and with my bag of goodies, dived behind the sofa like some sort of Anita Lonsbrough, switching my torch off as I went.

I was wedged between the wall and the back of the sofa. It was a good job that I wasn’t any bigger as I would never have made it.

Just then the door opened and the main light was switched on, making me blink. There were muffled footsteps crossing the carpet and then a creak as somebody sat down, I think at the desk. Then more footsteps from outside coming this way–

‘Headmistress, we will have to get them out quickly.’

‘I know Miss Smithers, I shall ring 999 now.’

There was a slight tinkling sound as the receiver was lifted and I could hear her dial 999.

I was terrified. What had given me away? Why call the police? How was I going to get myself out of this––?

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

A nice room, a comfortable room, a room where people would be welcomed and not, hopefully, too frightened to go into. Oh there were probably naughty girls but I wouldn’t mind betting at that point that the punishment would be fair and not too physical. A hundred lines rather than a dozen lashes?

I went over and sat in the office chair; then I went over to the sofa and sat on that. It was as comfortable as it looked. I could have rifled through the drawers, but something stopped me–guilt? No, not me, I was beyond all that; no it was because I didn’t really have time.

I stood up again and the torch beam reflected on a long floor length mirror over in the corner. I wondered why it was there. I couldn’t think that Amelia Molstrangler was a vain person. I shrugged and walked over to the mirror and caught my breath as I saw my reflection.

Looking at my face and hair up in a rather high ponytail, wearing an obviously girl’s dressing gown with a long nightdress peaking out beneath; together with the slippers–a shocking pink in colour–I felt a bit strange, but looked every inch the girl I was pretending to be. It felt right somehow. As if these clothes and persona was the me I was all along. I felt tears sting my eyes as I shook my head angrily, trying to chase those bazaar thoughts out of my head.

I was a boy, for goodness sake, and proud of it. I had only been here for five minutes and I was thinking like a girl–it must be something in the water. I didn’t know how long I could stay here before I was beyond saving. What would my mum and dad think, looking at me now, dressed as a girl and snivelling like one too!

I tore my eyes away from the disquieting reflection of the false me and moved towards the door, not wanting to think about things and wanting to get back to my room–sharpish…

Then there was a noise–

Coming from outside in the office––

I searched around desperately and with my bag of goodies, dived behind the sofa like some sort of Anita Lonsbrough, switching my torch off as I went.

I was wedged between the wall and the back of the sofa. It was a good job that I wasn’t any bigger as I would never have made it.

Just then the door opened and the main light was switched on, making me blink. There were muffled footsteps crossing the carpet and then a creak as somebody sat down, I think at the desk. Then more footsteps from outside coming this way–

‘Headmistress, we will have to get them out quickly.’

‘I know Miss Smithers, I shall ring 999 now.’

There was a slight tinkling sound as the receiver was lifted and I could hear her dial 999.

I was terrified. What had given me away? Why call the police? How was I going to get myself out of this––?

And now the story continues…

There was a pause while Miss Molstrangler waited for someone answer her call. I was trying not to breathe too hard but to myself sounded rather like an asthmatic sheep.

Dad always said that when it looked like you were about to be nabbed, get the h**l out of it. Easy for him to say, he wasn’t stuck behind a sofa with two rampant women not ten feet away, with me just dressed in a nightdress and pink slippers. I had a vision then of my dad in a nightdress and pink slippers and nearly giggled–I held my hand over my mouth, noting in passing that I was getting very giggly in my old age–

‘Hello? Oh ambulance please. Yes it’s St Helen’s School For Gels here…Amelia Molestrangler, I’m the headmistress…yes, one of our gels has been hurt, we are worried about head and neck injuries…yes she’s conscious but in pain…Yes…all right…good…yes that’s the right address and phone number, but please be quick…thank you.’

I heard her replace the receiver.

‘They’ll be here in a few minutes. Would you go down and show them where to go? I’ll ring Alicia’s parents. I don’t know what they’ll say.’

‘Well, headmistress, what was she doing on that roof at this time of night or at any time, for that matter?’

‘I shall question her when I can,’ she sighed, ‘silly little girl, always up to mischief, I wish her parents weren’t going through that messy and very public divorce. We’ve tried to shelter her from it, but what can we do when it’s in the papers every day and she has access to them in the school library? It’s all a cry for attention, I’m sure–look, you go down and I’ll speak her parents–well her father anyway, God knows where Lady Constance is; abroad again–probably?’

‘I’ll go now,’

‘I’ll be down in a minute,’

‘Very well, headmistress,’

I heard the sound of a door closing and then a tinkle and some dialling.

‘Hello? Please may I speak to Lord Wentworth?’

‘It’s St Helen’s School–yes it is urgent–thank you,’

There was a drumming sound of her fingers beating a tattoo on the desk for about a minute.

‘Hello, Lord Wentworth? Amelia Molestrangler here, I am sorry to get you out of bed, but I regret to inform you that Alicia has had an accident… yes…if I can explain; she had a fall and has hurt her head and possibly her neck. An ambulance has been called and should be here momentarily…she will be going to County General…yes, they do have private wards…we don’t know why she f…yes, I realise that we are in charge of her but…look, will you be going to the hospital? Yes she is conscious…we don’t know the extent…very well, I will ring you as soon as we have more news. Goodbye, your Lordship.’

She slammed the phone down on the cradle, making me jump a bit.

‘Damn the stupid man!’ she said and then–a few seconds later–I heard the door slam closed and the sound of her retreating footsteps.

I waited for a moment and heard nothing and so left my hiding place and crept over to the door, it was time for me to get to safety.

Quietly, I opened the door and peeked out–all clear. Making my way as silently as possible with a bag that was clanking slightly with all the goodies within; I crossed the office and opened that door. Poking my head out carefully, I saw the corridor was deserted. In moments I was scuttling down it and up the stairs back in my room. I sank down on the bed gasping. Any more of this and my hair would turn grey!

~ §~

I put my ill-gotten gains on a shelf and then took my dressing gown and slippers off. Then I let my hair down by removing the lacky band and gave my hair a brush before slipping under the covers again. The bed had got cold and I wondered if I might nab a hot water bottle from somewhere, although a kettle of hot water might pose a bit of a problem.

I heard the distant sound of bells jangling.

‘That must have been the ambulance,’ I thought.

I wondered about Alicia; by the sound of it, she was having a pretty rotten time. There was I thinking that I was the only person here that had any problems and the toffee nosed, upper crust, privileged, silver-spoon-in-the-mouth types here had it all; when this girl had obviously been through the mangle too.

I hoped that she was all right and that her father at least would make the effort to go and see her in hospital.

As I lay there in the dark I wondered what I was doing there. This place wasn’t for me. It was full of people who were nothing like me. They didn’t steal things. They hadn’t had to make decisions about their lives. I was a boy who dressed like a girl to fit in and not be noticed. What was I doing?

On the other hand––

There was that girl, Alicia; it seemed like she had problems too. How many other girls here had things going on that they weren’t happy with? Did some of them stay awake at night worrying as I had done ever since my mum had died? Why would any mum or dad for that matter, send their kids away to school, didn’t they love them? Mum loved me, I know that she did, even after she started drinking and mixing the drink with the drugs, I knew that she loved me. She wouldn’t have sent me away if she could afford it would she?

But mums and dads want the best for their kids, or they should do anyway. Maybe the best thing for some people is for them to send their kids away to school, so that they had the best education that money could buy. Comparing this place to my old school was like comparing chalk and cheese. If I had children and money I would want the best for them and might consider sending them to a school like this, wouldn’t I?

On the other hand––

I sighed, I was tired and my mind was going around in circles. Yawning, I snuggled further under the covers and closed my eyes.

~ §~

The sound of the bell in the clock tower wakened me. Subconsciously I counted the number of dongs, it was 7 o’clock. I yawned and stretched, then, after a few seconds of remembering where I was, what I was and why I wasn’t wearing pyjamas, it all came back. I wondered as I got up and stretched again whether that girl, what was her name, oh yes Alicia, was all right. For some reason, I had to know, but first things first.

I put on my dressing gown and slippers, unlocked the door and peeped out; it paid to be cautious–as dad always used to say–mind you, it didn’t always work for him.

As the coast was clear, I picked up my wash things and went down the corridor to the washroom-come-lavatory. It wasn’t that warm, so I did my business as fast as I could and then returned to my room.

I could hear some stirring type noises coming from down below and it looked like the young ladies were beginning to wake up. A quick look at timetable showed that breakfast was at eight. I wanted to go down to breakfast as bacon and eggs sounded quite nice, but I didn’t think that I should as the more I was seen, the more chance of awkward questions being asked.

Anyway, I did have some supplies due to my raid last night and I would have to make do with that for the moment. I drank some milk, had a meat pie and sausage roll followed by an apple–an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

As I finished my breakfast in bed, I heard a rush of feet coming from below.

‘Noisy neighbours,’ I mumbled to myself, as I carried on reading the strangely compelling Chalet School story.

I wasn’t too sure what I was going to do when everything had quietened down. Somehow, I would have to find out what had happened to Alicia. All was quiet now as the kids and presumably the staff, were feeding their collective faces.

Then I had an idea.

I knew that below this room was one of the bedrooms–I mean dormitories. The floorboards in this room had been repaired at some time and in a few places there were small sections of floorboards. If I could prise up one of the boards I might be able to make a small hole in the plaster and then I might be able to hear what was being said. Someone surely would say something about Alicia if I put my shell like ear near the floor and when I didn’t need to eavesdrop, I could replace the floorboard.

Clever aren’t I?

I had a search around in a couple of other rooms to find something to use to prise a floorboard and struck lucky when I found an old rusty screwdriver amongst some tools in a wooden chest. I returned to my room quickly and found a good place to try: it was over in a corner where the old central heating pipes went down through the floor. It looked like an inspection point of some sort and the board wasn’t nailed down. After prising the foot long section of board out, there beneath was what I think they call a lath and plaster ceiling. There was a chance that I might make a mess and even horror of horrors, the ceiling might fall down so I had to be very careful. I pushed the screwdriver gently through a gap in the lathe and twisted it. The ceiling wasn’t very thick and I was soon through.

I gently withdrew the screwdriver and could see a very small hole with light coming up from below. It was by the wall, so I hoped that it wouldn’t be noticed. Time would tell though. While waiting for some action and the sound of tramping feet, I decided to get dressed and for some reason, put on my school uniform.

I didn’t take long to dress and realised that I would somehow have to do some washing or “borrow” another blouse as this one was getting grubby. As a boy I used to wear shirts at least twice before getting them washed, but now, as a sort of girl, I was picking up the cleaner habits of actually bothering to change on a more regular basis. This place and all this femininity was getting to me–I would be washing my hair with conditioner next.

As I brushed my hair, making it all silky, I pictured myself going to the doctors.

‘Doctor, I have a dose of the girlies, can I have a blue pill or something to make it go away?’

I smiled and giggled at my reflection in the dirty mirror and then stopped smiling as the reflection was too real to be taken as a joke. I looked more like a girl now than ever. It was as if I was growing into one. Large eyes, naturally arched eyebrows, thin face; lips that were fuller than I wanted and a small slightly turned up nose. This was me as I have always been, but dressed like this with my girlish hair, there was little sign of a boy now.

As a boy, I had sometimes been mistaken for a girl. Maybe I should have had my hair cut short, but I always liked long hair and pop stars wear their hair longer, so why can’t I?

I turned away from the mirror, dismissing my dark thoughts and sat on the bed reading my Chalet School story and waiting for the girls to come back for breakfast before going to lessons. I got quite engrossed in the book where the girls in Inter V were trying to put on a pantomime show–

Suddenly I heard the sounds of stampeding buffalo–no, it was the girls coming back. I put the book down and went over to the corner where the board was up and got down on my knees. I couldn’t see anything; the hole was quite small, but I could hear the conversations quite clearly, from down below.

‘…Katie, did you finish that essay for Miss Priestley? Can I borrow it? I haven’t finished mine I’ll be in trouble if I don’t.’

‘…I had some red bits in my egg this morning, it wasn’t yuckie blood was it? I don’t want to eat another egg, ever!’

‘…Sue, can I borrow a cardi, mine’s got paint on it?’

‘Wasn’t it just awful about Alicia? I’m glad that it isn’t too bad. She’s in the san, isn’t she? Lucky devil, getting off all those lessons cos of a bump on the head. Maybe I should throw myself off the sun room roof; anything rather than maths––’

‘Don’t be unkind Tam, she’s having a rotten time of it, what with her parents and everything.’

More sounds of stampeding buffalo and then after a minute, all was quiet.

I was glad that Alicia wasn’t too badly hurt and I wondered how she was feeling. I shrugged and went back over to the bed. I was just about to sit down, when I heard the distant sound of a door opening and multiple steps coming along the corridor towards my room.

I nipped over to the door and made sure that it was locked and then just stood there, listening to the steps coming ever nearer.

Two people…

‘Well,’ said the male voice, ‘what room is it in?’

‘At the end on the right,’ said another younger male voice.

‘Why she had to use her bed as a trampoline, I’ll never know. Still, she got a hundred lines and her parents will have to pay for the damage. Maybe she’ll think again before doing something so daft.’

‘You’re right there, Henry and her dad an MP too.’

A door squeaked open and then a lot of thumping noises and the steps came back, sounding heavier.

‘To your right Albert…no left.’

‘Make yer bloody mind up, Henry, this frame ways a ton.’

‘Stop whinging like a big Jessie…’

‘Who are you calling a Jessie..?’

The sounds and occasional thumps and curses receded and then it gradually went quiet again. I sighed with relief and sat on the bed.

‘That was close,’ I thought, ‘I’ll have to make sure that the door is locked all the time.’

~ §~

There were no more bits of excitement and I decided to stay in my room and wait for nightfall. I had an idea, but didn’t want to think too much about it until things had quietened down for the night.

In the mean time, I watched the girls out on the playing fields, carried on reading my book, had a snooze, so that I would be fresh for the evening and had a closer look at the pupil record that I had obtained together with the blank copy.

Lorna Ainsworth was the pupil’s name; she was twelve and lived in Surrey. She had the usual childhood illnesses and was in 2B. Her interests included hockey, drawing and she had a dog named Bess and a pony called Merrylegs. There were a few other bits and pieces about her like blood group, her doctor and previous academic record, but that was it.

I felt that I could easily do something similar for me if I wanted. One snag was that it was all type written and the only typewriters that I had seen were in the office–hang on though.

I recalled looking in all the junk rooms on this floor. It was a place where all things not needed or to be chucked away were stored. Maybe I should have a little look.

I made sure, as usual that the coast was clear and then made a systematic search of the rooms. After half an hour I had to concede defeat. There were no typewriters stashed away up here, so I would have to resort to plan B.

Wiping my brow, I sighed, wondering if I would get away with it–trying to make a record of myself, that is, or even if I should do it because, after all, I wasn’t planning to be a permanent fixture here.

You see, I had decided to go down to the office at the dead of night and use a typewriter to forge my own record. Why? Well, I had been stopped or spoken to by two mistresses now. What if one of them took it into her head to look up my school record.

‘I must be mad,’ I thought. ‘What would dad say? “Don’t take risks that you don’t need to.”’

Well my dad wasn’t exactly a success was he? I almost wished that he had been involved in the Great Train Robbery a few months back. What he could have done with a share of over two million pounds. Mind you, thinking about it, people were hurt on that job so maybe it was good that he wasn’t part of it. It was all academic anyway; he was dead now, just like my mum.

I paused what I was doing for a moment, wondering if mum had been buried yet. It made me shudder to think about it. It had only been a few days ago that she had died, although it seemed much longer. I had a crazy thought about going to her funeral and then shook my head–no I couldn’t. I snapped out of it and made my way back to my room.

I paused at my door. By now my blouse and skirt looked more than a little grubby. According to the bell tower and my timetable, I had about forty minutes before the girls would go to break. I needed a change of clothes. Although I now knew that girls weren’t allowed in the dorms at break time, it would just be my luck if some Cynthia, Petunia, Hyacinth or Daffodil, came up for a hankie.

Luckily I knew just which dorm to go to for a fresh supply of clothes, so I decided to take the opportunity and get a nice clean set of clothes and put the old ones in the wash basket by the door of the dorm.

‘Aren’t I a bright little girl?’ I thought as I made my way carefully downstairs and into the dorm.

I opened several drawers and cupboards and found that the little darlings had plenty of changes of clothes; I picked three sets at random that looked my size and as I had time, changed there and then into one of the sets. Then, after putting the soiled clothes in the laundry basket, I left the dorm and made my way back to my room–only just in time, because the bell went for end of classes.

It felt so good to be wearing clean clothes again, but I still felt a bit grubby, so I went to the wash room at the end of the corridor and gave myself a quick wash before returning to my room all nice and clean again.

It’s funny how most boys don’t care about their appearance and seem quite happy to go around all smelly and sweaty, including–I suppose–me, although I was never as bad as some. There was one boy at my school that boasted that he didn’t believe in washing or changing clothes more than once a fortnight–and he wondered why nobody wanted to sit next to him in class? One thing my dressing as a girl had taught me was that it’s decidedly pleasant to look and smell clean.

I had some more to eat and polished off the remainder of the milk. As I was going out on my rounds that evening, I decided to get in a few more supplies. In the mean time, I rested up, read some more about Joey Bettany and her chums and had forty winks.

Surprisingly soon, it was dark and the evening came. I listened to the girl’s conversation through my little hole as they went to bed. There wasn’t much of interest, the general subjects being clothes, boys, pop groups, boys, pimples, boys, makeup and boys, not necessarily in that order.

Listening to them, I smiled–it all seemed so normal and they sounded like a happy bunch. It was as if they belonged to some sort of extended family. Oh, they had rows and sniped at each other sometimes, but all in all they seemed happy to be where they were and I must admit, once again, to be feeling a bit envious.

They belonged and I didn’t.

~ §~

After final bell, the girls settled down. There were muted conversations for a while, but soon I could hear nothing other than the noises of sleep. Thank goodness that there weren’t any midnight feasts with goodies supplied from the tuck shop!

I carefully replaced the floorboard and got up stiffly. I had been down on the floor listening for ages. By torchlight, I quickly got changed into my nightdress and slipped into bed. I would wait until about one and then make my move.

Once again I must have slept as the clock struck two when I awoke again. Yawning, I got up from my comfortable warm bed, put on my dressing gown and slippers and then picking up my bag, the torch, map–just in case–together with the pupil records, I carefully made my way downstairs.

As before, all was quiet as I crept downstairs and headed for the kitchens. I would go to the office and type the pupil record on the way back. I just hoped that there wouldn’t be a repeat of last night’s drama!

As I now knew the lie of the land, I found the kitchens quickly and stocked up on more supplies of milk, pies, biscuits, cakes and a few items of fruit. I didn’t take very much as I didn’t want to raise suspicions. I just hoped that no-one kept much of a tally of the food here.

Having finished my unofficial shopping, I only regretted that I wasn’t eligible for Green Shield stamps. I didn’t need a torch as there were a few lights on to guide my way back towards the office–my next port of call.

I wondered whether the gels from The Chalet School did this sort of thing. They hadn’t yet in the book I was reading but I felt that it was the sort of thing that Inter V would get up to, given time.

You may think that I was just strolling along, but I was going carefully, stopping every few seconds and checking around corners to make sure that no one was about, before proceeding.

I reached the office fairly quickly and opened the door, shutting it behind me silently. Then I went over to the headmistress’s study and opened the door, almost expecting the good lady to be behind the desk, flexing a cane in her hands. It was empty, thank goodness!

It was nice and cosy in there as the fireplace had embers still burning in the grate.

I crossed the room to the window and drew the thick curtains across. My idea was to bring a typewriter in here and close the door. I needed to have the desk light on so that I could see what I was typing. I couldn’t use the office outside because there was a window that looked out on the corridor.

It was the work of a moment to bring in the typewriter, put it on the headmistress’s desk and slot the paper in the machine’s carriage.

I won’t bore you with my lack of typing skills or the number of new sheets I had to get from the noisy drawer before I completed my pupil record. I didn’t realise that I had so many thumbs and it was hard going. I don’t think that I would be a very good typist as my average speed was two words per minute–well it seemed that way. I tried to near enough copy the record for Lorna Ainsworth–changing a few names and places to protect the innocent, of course.

In the end, I finished my task and then put both Lorna’s and my pupil records back in the right order. I then shut the squeaky drawer as quietly as possible and returned to the head’s study. I picked up the spoilt forms and put them on the fire, making sure that they were thoroughly burnt; after all I didn’t want some Sherlock Holmes rifling through the ashes, did I?

Then I returned the typewriter to the office and finally pulled the curtains open again after switching off the lights in Miss Molestrangler’s study.

I had finished and it wasn’t even three thirty yet!

~ §~

I passed the San on the way back to my room and heard a sound coming from inside. Hesitating for a moment, I did something quite mad, I opened the door a peeped my head around.

To the left was matron’s office and it was dark in there. Ahead was a sort of hospital ward with four beds. Three of them were empty, but the fourth, by the window, was occupied. There was a small light by the side of the bed and the girl was lying on her side, away from me and she was sobbing her heart out, her body heaving.

My eyes pricked with tears and without realising what I was doing or the consequences, I went in, shut the door behind me and walked over to the bed.

There was a chair by the bed so I sat on it. It creaked slightly as I sat down and the girl stiffened and turned over.

‘Matr–oh, gosh, who are you––?’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

I passed the San on the way back to my room and heard a sound coming from inside. Hesitating for a moment, I did something quite mad, I opened the door and peeped my head around.

To the left was matron’s office and it was dark in there. Ahead was a sort of hospital ward with four beds. Three of them were empty, but the fourth, by the window, was occupied. There was a small light by the side of the bed and the girl was lying on her side, away from me and she was sobbing her heart out, her body heaving.

My eyes pricked with tears and without realising what I was doing or the consequences, I went in, shut the door behind me and walked over to the bed.

There was a chair by the bed so I sat on it. It creaked slightly as I sat down and the girl stiffened and turned over.

‘Matr–oh, gosh, who are you––?’

And now the story continues…

‘Erm, Lu—Lucinda, are you Alicia?’

‘Mmm.’

I looked at her tear-stained face and my heart went out to her.

‘Why are you crying, are you hurting?’

She looked at me and sniffed a bit. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy. Normally, I would have said she was quite pretty, with her long dark hair and a pleasant face.

‘No–well yes, a bit. My head is throbbing where I bumped it. I’m lucky really, I could have been killed.’

I moved on the wooden slatted seat, it wasn’t very comfortable and my thin night clothes were no protection, hence the slightly numb bum.

‘You haven’t said why you are crying.’

She sat up in bed, wincing slightly. ‘You’ll get told off if you are caught.’

‘I know, I’ll just say that I have a headache and wanted something for it. Now out with it, spill the beans, why have you been blubbing?’

She giggled.

‘Spill the beans? You sound like a cowboy–well cowgirl really.’

She stopped for a moment and then looked at me.

‘My Auntie came to visit me–she has virtually looked after me for a while now–but my father didn’t even bother after the accident.’

‘That’s rotten.’

‘Yes, he’s always too busy for me. He was different when Mummy was around, even though things were difficult, at least he tried, but now’s she’s gone, he’s cold and distant and doesn’t want to know me.’

‘Because of the divorce?’

‘You know about that, do you?’

‘Erm, everyone does, it’s in the papers.’

She looked so sad lying there in her pink cotton nightie. About my age, I suppose twelve or thirteen. Mind you, I looked younger than that, so she might think that I was still a kid. The look on her face made me want to cry–or I would if I wasn’t a tough boy and master criminal–who was I kidding?

My heart went out to her; divorce can be hell for kids. My mum and dad nearly divorced several times and I remembered the rows so clearly. They were either about money or the fact that dad’s occupation wasn’t exactly legitimate.

We had been having this conversation in whispers and I was getting a crick in my neck, looking behind me for any signs of a ten-foot tall matron with a huge syringe in her hand.

‘Why do you keep looking behind you?’ asked Alicia.

‘I don’t want any surprise visitors,’ I said.

‘Like you?’

I giggled at that.

‘Don’t worry,’ continued Alicia, ‘Matron sleeps like a log and won’t come and see me again tonight as I am not exactly on the danger list. I have this bell button thingy in case I need her though. I was going to try it and time how long she took to get up and come and see me, but I’m in enough trouble as it is. The Mole is coming to see me tomorrow morning––’

‘–The Mole? Oh the headmistress.’

‘Exactly.’

‘So, why did you do something daft like throwing yourself off a roof?’

‘I wasn’t throwing myself off. I bet that’s what all the girls are saying. Hyacinth Trubshawe probably told everybody that. She hates me because I copied her essay on Henry the Eighth for history and when Miss Burnett saw it, she got the blame for cheating and not me. I can look quite angelic and innocent when I want to.’

She suddenly let her face go slack and then did something to it to make her look more angelic than Joan of Arc.

‘Blimey,’ I said, ‘that’s a neat trick.’

‘Yes, well, I hate Hyacinth, she’s a sneak and told on me when I had a ciggie behind the bike sheds and coughed my lungs up. You have to watch her; she’d sell her soul for a house point.’

We looked at each other and sort of saw the rebel in each other’s eyes.

‘So why did you do it?’

Her face looked sad again.

‘I…I just wanted to go away and hide. Everyone–except Hyacinth and her two cronies, Beatrice and Roberta–have been nice and supportive; being kind to me and everything, but I don’t want kindness, I just want all the awful things to go away so that I can get on with things. I feel sometimes smothered by it all, do you know what I mean?’

‘Yes, I do. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb.’

‘Exactly.’

‘They would have gone out to get you though and then you would have had more attention.’

‘I know that now, but I always do silly, impulsive things. They always seem to be a good idea at the time.’

‘A bit like me really,’ I said smiling.

‘I don’t even know your name,’ said Alicia looking at me rather intently.

‘Br…erm Lucinda.’

‘Lucinda, that’s a nice name. What form are you in, you’re new aren’t you?’

‘Never mind that–look I have to go now as I might get caught.’

She looked disappointed that I would be going.

‘Oh, all right, look…’

There was a noise from outside in the corridor: it sounded like steps coming nearer.

‘Oh gosh, Lucinda, get under the bed, quick!’

I dived under the bed and moved over towards the wall, hunching up so I didn’t look big. The quilt covered the side of the bed so with luck, I was out of sight. Suddenly, my bag was pushed under the bed after me. I had forgotten that!

Alicia started making like a snoring sound that reminded me somehow of a piglet. I nearly giggled–nerves probably.

The door opened slightly squeakily. Didn’t anyone oil hinges around here?

There were steps coming across the room towards us and my heart felt like it was doing the twist as I tried to breathe quietly and not make a noise.

There was a slight cough.

‘Alicia, I know that you are awake. Stop that ridiculous wheezing.’

There was movement in the bed above and the mattress squashed me down a bit as Alicia sat up.

‘Sorry, Matron.’

‘I heard a sound of talking while I went to the toilet.’

‘Sorry, Matron.’

‘Don’t “sorry, Matron” me you young tyke. Who were you talking to?’

‘No one–myself, me, I—I do that sometimes.’

‘Hmm, don’t put that angel face on. I have seen it all. I have been matron here for twenty years, I’ve seen it all and know all the tricks. If I find out that one of your chums has been visiting, young lady, I’ll have your–and her–guts for garters. Do I make myself clear?’

‘Yes, Matron, but none of my friends has been here, honest injun.’

I could hear the sigh.

‘In my day, we didn’t have television–I can’t see why you like Bonanza so much.’

‘Oh Matron, how did you know?’

‘I have my nose to the ground. Not much gets by me.’

‘Don’t you just love Little Joe?’

‘No I don’t. Now how are you feeling?’

‘Just a bit of a headache.’

‘Well if you must go bouncing off roofs what do you expect. Would you like an aspirin?’

‘Please.’

‘All right, won’t be a mo.’ There was the sound of more footsteps going away, splashing water in a glass and then the steps returned.

‘Here you are.’

Silence and then the sound of gulping.

‘Thanks Matron, did Daddy ring up about me?’

‘No, but your Aunt did. She will come and see you tomorrow.’

‘Okay, thanks.’

‘Right; you get down and go to sleep now. If you need me, give me a buzz and no more talking, even if it is only to yourself.’

‘Okay, Matron.’

Alicia settled down and bumped into me as the bed springs pressed down on me again.

‘Look, Alicia, I know that you’ve had a rotten deal but running off like that doesn’t help. If you need a chat and a shoulder to cry on, come and see me and don’t bottle things up, it’ll tear you apart.’

‘All right, Matron–and thanks.’

‘Goodnight, dear.’

‘’Night.’

‘By the way, I preferred Hoss; now get some sleep.’

‘Yes, Matron,’ giggled Alicia, sounding a bit more cheerful.

There was the sound of footsteps retreating and then the door closed quietly. A few moments later I could hear in the distance another door closing with a squeak.

‘You can come out now,’ Alicia whispered.

I squeezed myself out and sat down on the chair again. I would have to wait a while before going back, just in case.

Alicia sat up again. ‘Phew! That was close,’ she said.

‘Yes, I don’t know what I’d have said if she’d caught me.’

Alicia looked at me rather strangely.

‘Well before you go, you had better tell me exactly who you are and why you have a load of goodies in your bag.’

~ §~

I gazed at her feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car, as it rushed forwards at a hundred miles an hour.

‘Erm.’

‘Don’t erm me, Lucinda, or is that not your real name?’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘Look, I can tell a fib a mile off. I’m quite good at it you know. All right whose form are you in?’

I wriggled on my seat. ‘Erm… Miss Packworthy’

‘Wrong, Miss Packworthy is head of the Second Year and isn’t a form mistress. So who are you really?’

I looked at her. She seemed nice and I didn’t think that she would tell on me. Dad said never tell anyone what you were doing because they would grass on you, but I had been alone for what seemed like a year rather than a mere few days. I had to tell someone. I needed–I needed a friend.

I glanced up at her. She seemed to be a nice girl a bit like me–not a girl, I was a boy–but in personality I mean.

I could almost see dad in my mind’s eye telling me to keep my mouth shut, but I wasn’t my dad or my mum, I was me, scared, yes I was scared, lonely, friendless and without anyone to talk to.

I stopped thinking and began talking after making sure that there weren’t any rampaging matrons prowling around in the corridor.

I sat back down on the chair. ‘Look, Alicia, if I tell you about me, will you promise not to tell anyone?’

‘Natch, cross my heart and all that rubbish.’

Her face had lost that red look and her eyes were less puffy. She appeared to be a really nice girl, one with whom I could be friendly.

‘All right, well don’t scream, but–but, I’m not a g—g—girl.’

‘Not a girl–? Don’t be daft. Oh, you mean you’re a woman? Well, I suppose you are but a very young one like little old me!’

‘You don’t understand, I’m a–a boy––’

Her face went white. ‘W—what–? But you can’t be. You are joking aren’t you? I might be young, but I’m not thick. I know a girl when I see one, I should know, I’ve been one for twelve years, two months, three weeks and two–no three days, not that I’m counting–’

Her voice trailed off as I could feel the tears running down my cheeks.

‘L—let me tell you about w—what happened.’ I shivered.

‘Okay, but get into that bed next to me so you don’t catch cold. I want hear this!’

I got into bed and then in a hushed voice told her all about me. I could have held back and lied but I didn’t. I needed to talk to someone. All that had happened to me and the guilt about my mum had come to the surface.

I told her about my dad and the fact that he was a petty criminal who had died. I told her about my life–how I had to help feed and clothe my mother and me by using illegal means. My mum’s drinking and the deadly cocktail of drinks and drugs that had finally killed her. The thieving and how I had found the school and my daft plan to live in secret until things died down, ‘borrowing’ clothes and food and also the false record of me in the squeaky cabinet in the office.

I even told her about the strange feelings I had now that I was dressed as a girl and how guilty I felt about that as I was really a boy, not strong and masculine looking, but still a boy. I even told her some things–my innermost thoughts that I hadn’t even thought about consciously.

I took a deep breath and then told her how I liked being dressed and seen as a girl. I loved the feel of the clothes and the sense that it was the real me inside–a girl and not a boy who was now coming out and had been inside me all my life probably. I realised now–as if a light had lit up in my head–that I had felt different all my life. A square peg in a round hole, as mum would say if she could see me now, and I didn’t know why that had been the case until the last few short days.

I recalled standing in Miss Molestrangler’s office and by the light of her fire, saw the real me, I knew then that I wasn’t well. I must have been sick to feel the way I did. What healthy boy would ever want to be a girl?

A – boy – can – not – be – a – girl!

By this time, I was crying my eyes out and I dared not look at Alicia. I just stared at the ceiling, trying to blink back the tears and not be so–so girlie.

I expected her to laugh at me, to shout out for matron or press that silly little buzzer thing. I would be laughed out of the place. They would send the police. Then I would be put in an awful, soulless children’s home. I would rather die than that. Why, oh why did I tell her?

Then I heard the pad of feet and suddenly she was there in the bed with me and hugging me tightly. She was crying too. I jumped as a cold foot touched my bare leg.

‘Oh, you silly goose. It doesn’t matter what anyone says you are, if you’re a girl then you’re a girl. You aren’t the only one who feels like you. We have another girl here who was born a boy. I only know because I overheard Matron and The Mole talking about her once. I don’t know her name, I didn’t get that bit because a mistress came around the corner and I had to skedaddle. For ages I looked out for some big lumbering boy with acne and an attitude, but I couldn’t see anybody here remotely looking like a boy–and that includes you. Then I read in papers about this man who said he was a woman and went somewhere for an operation and then–hey presto, he’s a she!’

We stayed like that for a while and it was nice, even though her feet were cold for a bit. We talked about our lives and she told me something about her background.

‘Mummy and Daddy never really loved each other. He got her in the club and was sort of forced to marry her. Heaven forbid a “B” in the family–as grandma said while I was eavesdropping on a conversation that I shouldn’t have, last year. I think having me sort of brought them together for a while and then the rows began and it all went horrible. I had Auntie of course and she looked after me much more than my real parents. She lost Uncle Albert before I was born and hadn’t any kids of her own. I think that she treats me as almost her daughter even now. Anyway, when I was six, I was shifted off to the prep school here–’

‘Six–?’ I exclaimed.

She looked at me and smiled.

‘It was better than being in a frosty old house–with parents glaring at each other across the breakfast table and Auntie trying to be a referee when she was around. It’s okay here though and I feel more at home in this place than I ever do at home. Mind you, Mummy was never around much; she’s a bit of a jetsetter always off to New York, Cannes, you know the sort of thing and Daddy does “something in the city,” so he wasn’t always there, either.’

Looking at her and the way she had spoken, I thought that it all sounded a bit false to me. She missed her mother and was really upset that her father couldn’t be bothered to come and see her, even after the accident; thank heavens for the aunt who sounded like a real sweetie.

‘That’s enough about me, Lucinda–or do you prefer Brian when we’re alone?’

‘Lucinda,’ I said quietly and without thinking. Up until a short time ago, I was protesting to myself that I was all boy, but who was I kidding, I had never been a proper boy in the real sense, no wonder I was a crazy mixed up kid!

‘I can’t believe that you are a sort of Raffles here in our school.’

‘Raffles?’

‘Yes, he was a cool master criminal who used to go around with his friend Bunny and rob from the well off while pretending to be a goodie-two-shoes.’

‘I’m not that great at it. Like my dad, I think I’m not very good and anyway look where it landed him.’

‘What about your mummy, you haven’t said much about her?’

I stared at the ceiling for a moment.

‘S…she couldn’t cope with my father being in and out of the nick all the time and then he died doing the first honest job that he had ever had. She blamed herself for making him go straight–silly I know, but she felt that if he was still a tea-leaf, he would have been alive today.’

‘Tea-leaf?’

‘Cockney rhyming slang for thief.’

‘Oh.’

‘At first the pills worked and then she asked for more and more tranqs but the doctor said no. She then started drinking–a lot. She always liked a tipple, but she needed more and more to keep calm and sleep at night. She lost her job and I had to look after both of us. I was too young to work and anyway I was always trying to stay one step ahead of Constable Roberts and Percy Pointer, the truancy officer. So I—I had to steal to keep us going.’

‘Why didn’t you tell the authorities?’

‘And get taken into care while mum got put away? I had already lost my dad and I wasn’t about to lose my mum and go into a home. I know about those places–not nice. Anyway, the last night I went out and robbed a pawnbrokers.’

‘Gosh!’

‘Yea, gosh and a few other words too. I got some decent things and passed them to a fence.’

‘Fence–? Oh I know, a bit like Fagin?’

‘That’s it; with the money I got some drink for mum and I was going to get some food too and pay the back rent and then… then… I found her in the morning, she was dead and I did it!’

I began crying again and received another hug as my body shook with grief. I had already told her about what had happened after I arrived at the school so she now knew the full story. Whether she would tell on me I didn’t know. Somehow it was a relief to tell someone and I just felt that Alicia and I were alike in some ways, through the problems and grief that we had both had of late.

After a while, I was all cried out and felt much calmer and at peace for it. The bell on the clock tower chimed two o’clock and I realised that I should be getting back to my own bed. For all I knew the matron might be an insomniac and what would she say about finding me here?

‘I have to go,’ I said.

‘I suppose so,’ Alicia said regretfully.

‘How long are you in here for?’

‘Another night, I think. I believe it’s more to keep an eye on me rather than my sore head though.’

‘I’ll come back tomorrow, if you like,’ I said hopefully. I had found a friend and I hoped to keep her.

‘That would be brill!’ she said, her face lighting up. ‘But don’t get caught, will you?’

‘I’ll try not to.’

She looked at me and was going to say something but hesitated.

‘What?’ I asked.

‘Have you seen the local paper?’

‘No.’

‘Matron let me read her copy earlier as I was bored out of my skin. There’s something in it about you–as Brian, of course.’

‘Where is it?’ I asked.

‘On my bedside cabinet.’

I sat up and looked over. Getting up, I slipped on my dressing gown and fluffy slippers and then across to the cabinet and picked up the folded paper. I could just read it by the dim night lighting of the room and my eyes were drawn by the article on the bottom right hand side of the page.

I looked up–heart attack–? And continued reading the article.

It is believed that Brian rang the emergency services on the morning following Sharon’s untimely death. Brian was last spotted in the Recreation Ground by Mr Percival Pointer, the local truancy officer.
‘He looked a bit upset and I tried to comfort him,’ said Mr Pointer, ‘but he wouldn’t stop and just ran off.’

‘Flaming liar,’ I hissed loudly and carried on reading.

There was a picture of me taken at the zoo about a year before. Even I could see how much of a girl I looked even though I was wearing my boy’s school uniform. I remember one of the bullies at school always used to call me a big girl’s blouse, looking at what I was wearing now, he wasn’t far from the truth.

If you see this boy, please contact Constable Roberts on 45252 or the Social Services Department on 452201.

Sharon Tranter’s funeral service will be held at St Mark’s Church at 11.00am on Wednesday.

Wednesday, that was tomorrow!

‘Hmm,’ I thought, an idea popping into my head suddenly.

‘Are you all right, Lucinda?’

I had almost forgotten where I was and I jumped slightly at Alicia’s whispered call.

I went back over to the bed.

‘I—I’m all right,’ I said.

‘You don’t look it.’

‘N—no I’ll be fine. Look I had better go. I’ll try and come back tomorrow night. If I don’t though I’m up in the rooms above the dormitories, fourth door on the right. Knock three times and then I’ll know it’s you; but for goodness sake keep schtum about me.’

‘Okay, and you be careful.’

She got out of the bed we had been sharing, straightened the bed and then turned to me.

‘See you tomorrow night, if not I’ll come and find you when I’m out of the san and back in circulation. Don’t get caught, will you?’

‘I’ll try not to. I hope you feel better soon.’

‘My headache’s gone away now, so the pills have worked.’

We stood there for a moment and then hugged each other. I was feeling all teary again and I could see that Alicia was in the same state. Why do girls cry so much? I must be a girl–I turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat!

Alicia got back into bed and I picked up my bag of goodies, gave her quick wave and a whispered, ‘goodbye,’ and then after making sure that the coast was clear, I was off down the corridor and safely back to my room.

~ §~

I was really tired when I got back into bed. Too many late nights and not enough shuteye. I immediately went to sleep and didn’t wake up until 8.30 in the morning.

It was quiet downstairs so I guessed the girls had either gone to breakfast, assembly or their first lessons. Thinking about it, I recalled that it was assembly at about 8.30 then followed by the first lessons, so things would be fairly quiet for a while.

I wondered how Alicia was and whether I would be able get to see her tonight. It was nice to have found a friend amongst “the enemy.”

But were they the enemy? The few people that I had spoken to had all been nice to me, the two mistresses and two girls treated me better than almost everyone at my old school. I ate my breakfast of cakes, biscuits, a sausage roll and piece of pork pie, washed down by some milk that would have been nicer colder, but as I hadn’t got a refrigerator, I shouldn’t complain.

I thought of my Mum’s body waiting to be buried in a box. I believed that her spirit wasn’t there anymore but was with Dad up in heaven looking down at me and not frowning too much that her little boy was slightly different now.

I couldn’t believe that she died of a heart attack, she was quite young. Maybe it was the drink and the drugs that made her heart weak.

Once again as I had many times since I found her lying on her bed on that terrible morning, my eyes pricked with salty tears as I remembered her face, once so full of life and now so still and lifeless. Then the thought that I had fleetingly had when I read that newspaper, bubbled to the surface once again.

I wanted to say goodbye to mum.

Could I do it? Should I do it and could I get away with it?

A plan hatched in my mind and mad though it was. I was going to go through with it.

I made my way down the corridors and had a quick wash and when I returned, I changed into a smart blouse and skirt, “borrowed” from one of the girls. After brushing my hair, I put on some shiny black shoes and inspected myself. I looked fine as far as I could see. But it was cold outside so I needed a cardigan and coat. After ensuring that the coast was clear, I slipped downstairs and into one of the dorms.

Going to a wardrobe, I searched for a suitable coat. On the third attempt, I found a grey mac that fitted and tied at the waist with a belt. It was a school mac and luckily it had no badges on it–I didn’t want to be seen as a schoolgirl from St Helen’s, but having seen lots of girls wearing these macs, I knew I wouldn’t stand out. I also found a red beret which looked nice and made me seem even more feminine so I put that on too.

All in all I looked the part. The clock struck nine thirty and there was a stampede of feet for a few minutes followed by a silence.

It was time to go.

I was in luck. This was the kind of school where there weren’t any mistresses or prefects on the prowl. Glancing out of the window I could see there were a few workmen outside doing things in the gardens and I could also see that there were already some girls playing hockey in the distance.

Inside was another matter–all seemed quiet.

I wasn’t my father’s child for nothing. Dear old dad always said, always make a plan of escape and make sure that you case the joint (his words) before doing anything stupid like being caught down an alley with nowhere to go.

Well in my wanderings, I had already found my exit route and I had noted it without really thinking; aren’t I clever?

I avoided obvious hot spots like the office and kitchens and made my way out via a slightly different route. This was where the map of the school and good sense of direction became invaluable as I could see where I could go to get out, hopefully without being seen.

I did have to duck into doorways a few times and check my progress when a few people were nearby, but I wasn’t my father’s son–or should that be daughter now?–for nothing. I knew how to creep about and remain unnoticed so I used that skill as well as I could.

There was a side exit which was a fire door at the end of a corridor not far from the kitchens, but far enough away, hopefully, to avoid being spotted. I had spied it on my nocturnal wonderings and had noted it as a possible escape route if and when necessary.

Fire doors are never locked from the inside and that was handy for someone who wanted to get out without being noticed. Getting back in might be a problem, but I would worry about that when the time came –I might be a master or even a mistress criminal, but I couldn’t plan everything.

I slipped out of the school as quietly as a mouse. Outside, there was a path with a hedge along both sides which effectively hid me from view. This led to the side of the school grounds and an entrance that must have been used as a sort of tradesmen’s entrance for the kitchen.

I made a sort of crouched run for it and made it to the gate in what was probably record time. I reached the gate and hung on for dear life, my breath coming in gasps. I couldn’t believe my luck that I had managed to avoid being seen. Mind you, I was out of shape and could do with more exercise. Maybe I could join the gels playing hockey or lacrosse?

I giggled at that thought and then carefully glanced around. It was all clear. It was the work of moments to slide the bolt back and let myself out through the gate. I did wonder why there was such a lack of security here. At my old school, we never knew whether we were being locked in to protect us or locked in to keep the surrounding area safe from some of the nutters who went there.

I slipped out and closed the gate quietly behind me.

It was a longish walk to the cemetery–about 2 miles. I kept a careful look out for anyone who remotely looked like a figure of authority. I was in luck because it appeared to be some sort of teacher training day for the local state schools because there were quite a few kids about. No Percy Pointer around to try and nab me–what luck!

Posh schools probably didn’t need teacher training days so that was maybe why the gels were still beavering away at their lessons. I knew I had to try to get back into St Helen’s without being seen later but I would worry about that when I had to–it was strange, I was missing the old place already!

I reached the High Street which was busy with people shopping. As I say, there were a lot of kids about and a few that I even recognised, but I managed to look the other way when they passed, just in case. I could just imagine what Joey Stevens would do to me if he recognised me as Brian in a skirt. Joey was one of the worst ones at school. He had a little gang that seemed to get away with murder. He was big for his age and had more muscles on his little finger that I had in my entire body. His gang of four terrorised anyone not strong enough to look after themselves and somehow they managed to stay on the right side of authority by not being caught kicking some helpless kid like me or flushing our heads down the toilet – not nice that, but at least you got your hair washed.

Luckily there was no Joey about–he was probably pulling the wings off a bird or something.

I marvelled at the fact that no one pulled me up and said something like “What the hell is a boy wearing girls clothes for?” Despite the evidence of my own eyes, I was still terrified of being found out. The fact that I wasn’t clocked made me feel strangely happy. As a boy I wasn’t much of a specimen but as a girl, to tell the truth, I think I looked the part. Anyway, Dad always said, look as if you belong and don’t draw attention to yourself, and that was exactly what I was doing.

I had a few coins jingling in my pocket and with a sense of bravado, I went into the bakers and bought a sticky bun. I was bit peckish and I had no idea when I would have time for something to eat later.

‘That’ll be tuppence please, dear.’

I handed her one penny and two halfpennies.

‘Thank you,’ I said, smiling.

I ate the bun as I walked along. It was still fresh and slightly warm. No butter, but you can’t have everything.

Soon I was way from the bustling High Street and I made my way up the hill to the church. I knew the place well as this was the churchyard where my dad was buried. Now mum would join him. At least they would be together again.

It was a fine but slightly cool day–the promise of winter just around the corner. The leaves in the churchyard were already dropping from the trees and making scrunching noises beneath the shiny black shoes I was wearing. The slight breeze felt strange on my bare legs and I wondered what it would be like wearing a dress when the weather really turned cold. My hair was getting in my eyes, despite the beret and I wondered if I dared try to cut my fringe.

It was ten thirty and apart from several cars in the church car park, there didn’t seem to be anyone around. I was a bit early obviously, so I walked along the well-trodden path to where my father lay, gradually going slower and slower, not really wanting to go where I knew I had to. I reached my dads final resting place and next to his grave was an open one and I shivered realising that shortly my mum would be in there–it looked so deep...

I nearly turned and ran away. I didn’t want to be here and I didn’t want to see her coffin.

But I had to stay. I couldn’t not see her off. I might be the only mourner there. I couldn’t stand the thought of that. It was my duty to be with her one last time.

I heard the sound of a car engine and turned around. My heart flipped as, through the trees, I could see a hearse slowly go up the drive to the church. Inside, behind glass, was a coffin and my heart lurched. Mum had arrived.

Several other cars followed the hearse and then I noticed that there were quite a few people milling about outside the church, most of them in black. It looked like there was quite a turnout after all.

People started going in the church and I sort of reluctantly joined in on at the end. I couldn’t look at the hearse, it was too painful.

I was quite surprised to see that the church was half-full already. I found a pew near the back and others sat next to me and a few other people then drifted in before the proceedings commenced.

Everyone looked sad. I sort of recognised a few of mum’s fellow workers from the shop where she had worked for a while. There were several neighbours too. There were no relatives though, that I knew of anyway, as far as I knew, we had none that were now alive.

That made me shiver involuntarily–I was the only one left now.

There was soft organ music filling the air with a mournful tune. The church seemed colder inside than it had been outside. The high arched roof soared above me as I wondered in passing why it was so high in the first place.

‘Are you all right dear?’ the old lady sitting next to me asked. Suddenly I realised she lived down our road.

‘Yes,’ I said shortly.

‘Did you know Sharon?’ she asked.

I didn’t really want to talk but it would have been rude to say nothing.

‘Erm, not really, I am a friend of Brian.’

‘Well it’s nice that you’ve come to pay your respects. Sharon was well liked in the area, despite her problems after she lost her husband and Brian’s a sweet boy. I hope that they find him before he comes to any harm.’

‘Yes,’ I said, not knowing what else to say.

A few seconds later, we all stood and the pallbearers in sober black suits carried Mum’s coffin in–I couldn’t look and just studied the floor instead.

I nearly lost it then and gulped back my tears with a great deal of difficulty. I closed my eyes and then I didn’t have to see–her. But she was there, in my mind’s eye, still alive and smiling, as I remembered her before things went terribly wrong.

Somehow, I found myself holding the old lady’s hand and I looked up at her. She too had tears in her eyes. If I was a boy, even here, I would have been ashamed to show my true feelings, but as a girl, it was right and natural. So I cried on the old lady’s shoulder as the service continued and finally ended.

Mum’s coffin was taken out the way it came and we all followed after it. I wasn’t the only one crying by any means and I wondered why that was so. Nobody here knew my mum as I did and yet here were genuine tears of sorrow all around me.

Then I saw them.

John and Paul.

The only real friends that I had at school. They were wearing the school uniform and they too looked upset.

John’s eyes found mine and I nearly wet my knickers there and then.

He looked away with no recognition and I breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Are you all right, lovie?’ asked the kind old lady who I realised had been holding my hand.

‘Yes, thank you,’ I said smiling sadly.

The coffin up ahead was being taken to its final resting place next to Dad. The vicar was with the coffin and many were following him.

‘Look dear, you don’t want to see the burial, it isn’t nice and you have been upset enough today. You have paid your respects and had a good cry. Why don’t you go off home now?’

I looked at her grey-haired and lined face, full of concern, realising she was right. I had said goodbye to mum and if I stayed I might do something stupid like collapse or something.

‘Okay,’ I said quietly and on an impulse I kissed her on the cheek, ‘thank to for being so kind.’

‘That’s all right, love. Now off you go.’

I let go of her hand, smiled and then went down the path that led to the road. I paused at the gate for a moment and saw a glimpse of the coffin and all the people processing to the grave.

‘Bye, mum,’ I said quietly, my voice catching in my throat and then sadly turned for home.

~ §~

It didn’t seem to take very long to reach the now familiar school gates. I hadn’t been very careful to make sure that I wasn’t seen by people who might recognise me on the way back from the church. My mind had been full of the funeral and what had happened to me. I think that mum and possibly dad were looking out for me as I wasn’t challenged.

It was lunchtime when I returned and I could see through the gates quite a few girls out and about. I took off my red beret and put it in my pocket. With my mac on, I looked just like the others so I just joined the throng and waited for the bell to go.

I was watching some girls playing hopscotch when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I nearly jumped out of my skin–I was feeling a mite nervous, and turned around.

‘Hello, Lucinda, not seen you around.’

‘Oh hi Titania,’ I said, my heart skipping several beats.

‘Tanya please, so where have you been hiding?’

‘Oh nowhere special.’

‘Funny I haven’t seen you in any of the classes or at meals.’

‘Mmm,’ I said, not knowing what to say.

She looked at me and then noticed my skirt under the mac.

‘Hey, you’re not in uniform.’

‘Erm no. I erm went to that lady’s funeral, you know Sharon Tranter, I had permission from The Mole.’

‘How come you could go then?’

‘Well, I didn’t tell you, but Brian, her son, is a distant cousin that makes her an aunt.’

‘Oh gosh, I am sorry. I won’t pry anymore. I suppose you’ve not been about because you are all upset?’

‘That’s right–’

The bell went then and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Tanya and I went in and I managed to shake her off, telling her that I had to go up to the dorm to get changed.

‘Which dorm–?’

‘–See you later,’ I replied hurriedly before sloping off and leaving her staring after me.

Nice-but-dim Tanya was becoming a nuisance. Now, if I was a hardened criminal, I might have bumped her off, hiding the body in a cellar or something, but Tanya was a nice girl and so was I and nice girls–or even gels–just don’t do that sort of thing. As it was, I managed to avoid any more unwanted people and finally got up to my room with the minimum of fuss and bother.

I ate some more pork pie, an Eccles cake and a glass of milk and that was lunch finished with. I kind of ached for a nice hot meal and the smells from the kitchen occasionally and tragically wafted over in my direction and tortured me a bit. But I was strong and resourceful and managed somehow to stop myself from rushing downstairs and throwing myself on a plate of bangers and mash–just.

I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid thoughts of the funeral and my position by carrying on reading my Chalet book and waiting for the night to come. I was going to see Alicia again and maybe talk to her about what to do with the rest of my life.

I was really looking forward to having a nice girlie chat with my new “chum.”

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

Tanya and I went in and I managed to shake her off, telling her that I had to go up to the dorm to get changed.

‘Which dorm–?’

‘–See you later,’ I replied hurriedly before sloping off and leaving her staring after me.
Nice-but-dim Tanya was becoming a nuisance. Now, if I was a hardened criminal, I might have bumped her off, hiding the body in a cellar or something, but Tanya was a nice girl and so was I and nice girls–or even gels–just don’t do that sort of thing. As it was, I managed to avoid any more unwanted people and finally got up to my room with the minimum of fuss and bother.

I ate some more pork pie, an Eccles cake and a glass of milk and that was lunch finished with. I kind of ached for a nice hot meal and the smells from the kitchen occasionally and tragically wafted over in my direction and tortured me a bit. But I was strong and resourceful and managed somehow to stop myself from rushing downstairs and throwing myself on a plate of bangers and mash–just.

I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid thoughts of the funeral and my position by carrying on reading my Chalet book and waiting for the night to come. I was going to see Alicia again and maybe talk to her about what to do with the rest of my life.

I was really looking forward to having a nice girlie chat with my new “chum.”

And now the story continues…

Lying on my bed, staring at the slightly cobwebbed ceiling, my ears kept picking up at the noises outside of children having a good time. The playing fields were crowded with a multitude of girls doing healthy, sporty things like hockey and lacrosse. I had left the window open a crack so I could hear all the activity, it helped me feel as if I was part of it somehow. From time to time I could also hear the sound of scampering feet as the girls went from class to class as the afternoon wore on into the early evening.

I cast my mind back to the day’s events and my mum’s funeral. She was with dad now, side by side in the cemetery. I felt a bit numb about things at the moment, not willing to think too much of the future or what might happen to me.

So much had happened in such a short period of time. When my dad died, I lost part of myself and then when Mum passed away too, more of me felt somewhat dead inside. It’s hard to explain, but at one time I was someone with a family and roots and a home to go to, although my home wasn’t that great and my parents, especially latterly, had argued so much, that I felt like running away sometimes. Then Dad died and Mum fell apart. Sometimes it was if I was the breadwinner as Mum was just not able to cope with life.

Now she was gone and I had no roots, real home or family. I couldn’t return to my old home as it wasn’t mine anymore to go back to. Anyway, if anybody recognised me outside, I would be taken away into care and I wasn’t having any of that!

Attending Mum’s funeral seemed to draw a line under my old life. I didn’t have anyone to care for me and I was sure that Mum and Dad wouldn’t want me to dwell on the past too much. I would miss them forever, but I had to move on and look after myself, because as sure as eggs are eggs, no one else would be looking out for me.

I heard a whistle outside and lots of clapping. The gels had finished a game and were no doubt glowing–as naturally, gels don’t sweat–chattering with friends and going in for a shower and then some supper, followed by some prep which is, I think, a bit like homework without going home, and then bedtime when they could go to sleep, sure in the knowledge that the following day would be nice, cosy, friendly and safe.

Then I thought of Alicia and remembered that her life was less than fun-filled at the moment. She had parents who were divorcing and appeared not to care about her. She was desperate enough to climb on a dangerous roof and fall. So, others too had problems and I doubted if Alicia was the only one. Then there was the girl who used to be a boy, here at the school and Alicia didn’t know who she was. I wondered if the girl worried about being found out, whether her parents didn’t mind her now being a girl and also did she always feel like she was a girl?

I would really like to meet that girl and I wondered if I could pop down to the office in the night and see if there is any mention of her in the filing cabinets. I would be going down anyway to see Alicia later and I might do that before visiting my new friend.

I got up and went to have a look at my stash of clothes. I was all right for a few days, but then I would have to do another one of my expeditions for some more clean ones. I would return the dirty ones via the washing basket so I wasn’t stealing, just borrowing. Somehow I was starting to feel a bit guilty about taking things. My dad would say that I was getting soft, but it wasn’t that. I had to admit that I was beginning to like this quirky place and it had become sort of home–albeit a temporary one.

I yawned. I had had too many late nights lately and it was all catching up with me now. I decided to go and have a lie down. Today had been very rough on me and I could do with forty winks.

I picked up my dressing gown and went back to the bed and lay on top of the covers. I spread my dressing gown over me and then sank my head back onto the pillow. In seconds, I was asleep.

~ §~

I awoke with a start. It was dark and I could hear the sombre chimes of the bell in the tower. It struck two. I had been asleep for hours! I hadn’t realised how tired I really was. I got up and stretched, my back was rather stiff as the bed had seen decidedly better days–that being the reason it was up here in the first place. Going to the window, I shut it as the room was rather cold. I noted that it was raining and I wondered in passing if that would mean that the girls wouldn’t be able to play games in the morning. Mind you, some of the girls looked quite hard and fit and a bit of rain and mud wouldn’t cause them many problems I would have thought.

I decided to grab a bite to eat and then go walkabout. I had a pork pie which looked and smelt okay and then a Swiss roll, quickly followed by some milk straight out of the bottle–after smelling it for freshness. After that I was ready for anything.

I contemplated whether I should stay dressed or not but decided that I had to be careful. Dad always said that it was all in the planning. It was a pity though how his plans went wrong so often. I loved him dearly, despite his obvious faults, but he was a bit of a dipstick sometimes as Mum was forever pointing out to him.

So I got undressed and put on a clean nightie–my last one. It was white, cotton, with small pink flowers and quite long–down to my ankles in fact. I would have to be careful not to go bum over tits when walking about. I stopped for a second and giggled quietly. “Bum over tits”–where did that come from?

I put my pink dressing gown over my nightie and the slipped on my pink slippers, I was getting to be a bit of a pink freak, it seemed. I used a lacy band to put my hair into a highish ponytail: I didn’t want my hair flying about tonight.

I picked up my trusty bag and torch, then after a quick glance round, opened the door and popped my head out to check all was clear. After closing the door carefully, I made my way along the passage and then downstairs. Opening the door at the bottom of the stairs was a bit of a heart-in-the-mouth moment because I had no idea if there was anyone on the other side, but I was in luck as the passage was empty. I closed the door behind me and winced at the slight creak. I would try and get some 3 in 1 or other oil from somewhere and make it my life mission to make this place squeak free!

I padded along the passage and could hear some heavy breathing and the occasional snore coming from behind closed doors. Now if this had been The Chalet School, the place would be heaving with girls coming to and from midnight feasts, playing tricks on their chums and generally having a jolly time, but this place was as quiet as a nunnery and I wondered where all the spirit was? There wasn’t even a whispered snigger or giggle. Maybe I had caught them on a bad night where they were all cream crackered from all that healthy lung-knackering sport. If I was an enrolled and fully paid up member of this school, I would have larks and jolly japes every night except Sunday–well one did need a rest day.

Soon I was downstairs, not before nearly tripping on the hem of my nightdress and muttering some less than genteel–though girlie–oaths. I crept along like a shadow–assuming that’s what shadows do. Anyway I found my way to the kitchens, once again marvelling that there was no one about. I had visions of a female Percy Pointer, in hair rollers, stalking the corridors searching out wayward and strayward girls with a stout walking stick and an evil eye or two. Did I mention that I had a vivid imagination?

Being a bit of an expert now, it took me moments to grab a bottle of milk and a few other tasty items from the fridge and pantry and then I was off again, heading towards the office.

I heard a noise.

I was just by a cupboard outside the kitchens and to the side of the doorway. In flash, I opened it and slipped in. It had, by feel, brooms, brushes and other cleaning things in it and it was amazing that my foot didn’t kick a bucket or something. I held my breath as I heard the clip clop of heels on linoleum coming towards me, stop for a second, seemingly outside where I was hiding and then continue towards the kitchens. I started breathing again because I was becoming lightheaded as I heard the swing doors of the kitchen–erm swing open.

Then my super-sensitive ears heard the soft but unmistakable sound of the fridge being opened and then closed again, the chink of a cup and then, I think, kettle being boiled. I wasn’t very comfortable where I was and a broom handle was sticking into me, rather unpleasantly in a place that I would rather not mention. I had the fervent hope that whoever it was, would finish doing whatever and just go as my eyes were starting to water. It would just be my luck if he or she was staying in there and maybe rustling up a three-course meal with all the trimmings.

But no, after the sound of a cup being stirred, I heard the rattling of a cup and saucer come nearer and then the door to the kitchen swung open with the now recognisable and inevitable squeak.

Footsteps disappeared into the distance and then came the sound of another door–after that silence.

I stayed where I was for a few more minutes, just in case and then with a sigh of relief, I extracted myself from the broom cupboard as silently as I could. As it was, I did kick a bucket, but not loudly enough to waken the school.

I stood there for a few moments to get my breath back and allow my heart rate to reduce to less than dangerous levels. I tied a mental knot in my finger to check for grey hairs at the earliest opportunity–I was bound to have dozens.

As soon as I was sure the coast was clear, I continued on my merry way. Next stop was the office. I let myself in and then went straight over to the filing cabinets. When I opened the drawer this time, I lifted it slightly and luckily there was only a slight screeching sound. I stopped for a moment just in case, and then began looking through the files.

It was hopeless: there were too many files there. It would take forever and a day to look through all the records and anyway, there were no guarantees that the girl I was looking for would even have any mention on her record of her former status. I gave up after half an hour, just as the clock struck three.

Regretfully, I left the office and made my way to the San. All was quiet and I was pleased about that. I do hate midnight prowlers–don’t you?

After making sure that there was no one about, I crept into the sanatorium and walked over towards the bed in the corner where Alicia was.

It was dark in there, but I daren’t put my torch on. There was a bit of light coming through the windows and I realised that there was a full moon–or close to it anyway.

That was when my luck ran out as somehow I tripped on my nightie and fell over with a clatter, my foot hitting something china-like and solid. I bashed my head on the leg of a chair and was momentarily stunned.

Before I knew it, a light went on, making my eyes shut involuntarily with the brightness.

‘What’s going on here––?’

~ §~

I opened my eyes and there–looking at least seven feet tall–stood Matron and she didn’t look very happy.

I struggled to my feet.

‘Well, girl?’

‘Sorry, Matron, I––I had a headache and––’

‘–Are you blind, girl? Didn’t your form mistress tell you to come to my bedroom if you were not well during the night and not to the sanatorium. What about your dormitory captain? She should have been told first and then come with you. We can’t have girls popping up and wondering about the corridors in the wee small hours of the morning–’

I had started to leak tears. My head hurt where I banged it, so the headache wasn’t really a lie. I touched the bump on my forehead and winced.

‘What house are you in? Who is your form teacher, what dormitory are you––?’

I burst into real tears then, it wasn’t an act. It was all getting really too much for me. I couldn’t take any more.

‘There, there, dear,’ said Matron much more softly, ‘sit on that bed and let me have a look at you.’

I sat down and she looked at my head and then asked me to follow her finger with my eyes as she waved it about in front of me.

‘You’ll do. Look, I think you should stay here tonight, just in case,’

‘But–’ I sniffed.

‘No buts, young lady. What’s your name I can’t remember seeing you but there are lots of new gels at this time of the year.’

‘Lu—Lucinda Davenport, Miss.’

‘And what house are you in?’

‘Bronte, Miss.’

‘So, Miss Howe is your House Mistress. Well it’s late so I’ll speak to her early tomorrow and go and leave a note on the dormitory notice board tonight, so the other gels don’t worry about you. You are in the Firsts dormitory, I take it?’

‘Yes, Miss.’

‘Well, pop into bed and I’ll get you an aspirin.’

I climbed into the bed and she bustled off, all kindness after the initial frostiness.

Despite being upset and a bit sore, I was proud of myself for remembering reading up on the houses and other things that made up the school–the four houses and other important information like that, I mean. I was still in a pickle, but I had gained myself a bit of time–or I hoped I had. I stopped for a moment and remembered my swag bag, where was it? Then I remembered, it was still in the cleaning cupboard, by the kitchen. It was a good job that I didn’t have it as how would I explain all the goodies inside?

A few minutes later, Matron was back with a glass of water and a pill. I had managed to stop crying, thank goodness.

‘Right pop this in your mouth and settle down. I’ll pop along to your dormitory and leave a note there and also at Miss Howe’s office, just in case I don’t catch her first thing. Then I’ll toddle off to bed. If you need me though ring the bell push and don’t get out of bed unless you need the loo which is at the end of the corridor. If you are desperate to go though, use the chamber pot under the bed. Oh you must have kicked it when you fell earlier. It’s all right though, no damage.’

She put the pot under the bed and then tucked me in.

‘Goodnight, dear. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Goodnight, Matron,’ I said as I snuggled down, ‘and thank you.’

‘That’s all right. Sorry I was a bit gruff earlier. I’m not at my best when I’m woken up suddenly.’

She bent over and kissed my forehead.

‘Goodnight, dear,’ she said.

‘’Night, Matron.’

She went to the door, gave me another smile and then switched the light off and went out.

I heard her steps retreating down the corridor so I waited there in the dark and had a think.

As soon as the light had been switched on by Matron I noticed that Alicia was not in her bed. She must have been released from captivity or something. So my coming here was waste of time and had put me in danger, if that was the word.

I lay there, my mind in a turmoil, wondering what to do. It didn’t help that my head was still throbbing from the knock and I hoped that the pill would kick in sooner rather than later.

‘What would dad do?’ I thought, ‘well he wouldn’t stay here in the first place, but still… I know where Miss Howe’s office is, so that isn’t a problem. The dorm is the one beneath where my room is, so I know that too.’

A plan of campaign formed and although it was far from perfect, it would have to do.

I waited for about ten minutes and then heard the soft footfall of the matron come back towards me. She opened the door and came quietly in. I pretended to be asleep when she came over. I nearly jumped when she softly moved some hair off my face and then went off again. Despite outward appearances, Matron was a bit of a sweetie and she would be perfect if she didn’t keep saying ‘pop’ like that!

I waited for about half an hour, not daring to move and then I quietly got up and went to the small office that took up the corner of the Sanatorium. On the desk was some notepaper and pen.

I quickly wrote a note for Matron.

Matron,

I’m feeling much better, so I have gone back to my bed as I miss my chums.

Thank you for my pill and everything.

Lucinda.

I left the note on the bedside cabinet by the bed and left the San as quietly as possible. I made my way back to towards the kitchen and opened the cupboard and retrieved my ill-gotten gains. Then I went back up the corridors and along to the office of Miss Dawes. I thanked my lucky stars for a good memory and the fact that I borrowed the information and map of the school. Opening Miss Dawes’ office, I immediately found the note and pocketed it. Then I made my way upstairs to the dorm that was supposed to be mine.

By the side of the dormitory door was a notice board with lots of information pinned on it. I saw ‘my’ note and took it off, pocketing it and then moving swiftly and quietly away and up the staircase. In seconds I was at my room and I opened the door and let myself in by torchlight.

I nearly jumped out of my skin because there, sitting on the bed, reading by torchlight and sucking some of my chocolate, was Alicia. She looked up and grinned.

‘You took your time,’ she said.

‘Alicia, how–who–what are you doing here?’

‘Jump into bed, it’s jolly cold up here, I don’t know how you can stand it.’

I took off my dressing gown and joined her and she jumped as my cold foot touched her leg.

‘Ooh, your feet are icy!’

‘That’s how you were last night,’ I said smugly. I was very pleased to see her though. ‘Anyway how come you’re here?’

‘We said we would meet up and this seemed like a good time. I was let out this evening as I was deemed to be in a fit state of mind, whatever that is and then I remembered that you were going to come and see me. I came up here a while back because I didn’t want you to have a wasted journey, but I must have just missed you coz the bed was still warm. Anyway I jumped into bed and was waiting for you. You took an age so I just had a read and some of your delish choccy.’

‘Won’t you get into trouble?’

‘No, the girls in my dorm sleep like little logs and anyway, they all know that I like to go walkies at night.’

‘What about your head of dorm or whatever they call her?’

‘Milicent? She’s a drip and sleeps heavier than the rest of them put together. You could have a pop concert in there and she wouldn’t wake up. So what happened to you then?’

As we lay there, I told her all that had happened to me that eventful night.

‘Cor,’ she said as I finished my sorry tale, ‘you do get about, don’t you? I can understand why you couldn’t stay in the san. Awkward questions and all that, but you were jolly clever to cover your tracks though.’

‘Maybe,’ I said.

We lay there for a few moments in companionable silence.

‘It can’t go on though,’ Alicia said, after a while.

‘What d’you mean?’ I asked, taking a bite of Cadbury’s finest milk chocolate.

‘You’ll get caught, even if Matron doesn’t investigate. You’ve come very close more than once. Soon your luck’s going to run out.’

I sighed.

‘I know, but what else can I do?’

‘Give yourself up and hope for the best?’

I looked at her in the faint light of our torches and thought for a moment.

‘At my old school was a boy, Daniel was his name. His mum couldn’t look after him so he was put into care. He was bullied there and hated it. He came to school with bruises on his back but wouldn’t say who did it. Eventually he was pushed down some stairs by one of the boys at the home and he broke his leg. The other boy was sent to borstal, and Daniel moved out of the area. I don’t want to live in a place like that.’

‘It might be better now,’ said Alicia.

‘Maybe, but I’m not taking any chances. Anyway, how would the kids or even the adults treat someone like me?’

‘What do you mean?’

I said nothing for a moment and then took a deep breath.

‘I’m different, a boy who is really a girl inside. I saw the photo in the paper, I looked like a girl in a boys uniform. I don’t fit in. I suppose I never have. If I go to into care, I don’t give a fig for my chances.’

We were quiet again for a moment and then Alicia coughed.

‘I’m going to see my Aunt tomorrow and I’m allowed take a friend.’

‘Are you?’

‘Yes and I think that you should come as well.’

I sat up in bed and looked at her.

‘What?’

She looked up at me with a sort of lopsided grin on her face.

‘We need to tell her about you–the real you. She’ll know what to do.’

‘She’ll tell on me.’

‘No she won’t, she’s a brick. She’s a bit of a rebel too and likes taking up “causes” and I can see that you are someone she could get her teeth into; you could definitely be one of her good works.’

‘Teeth?’

‘Oh you know what I mean, she would help you all she can. Come on, what have you got to lose? You will be caught in no time flat and sent to the “home from hell” sooner rather than later. This way, you have a chance.’

I lay back down again, my mind going around furiously. I knew that she was right, but could I take a chance?

‘One thing,’ said Alicia after a moment, ‘she is now my guardian coz Daddy’s gone off abroad to try and patch things up with Mummy. Whether anything will come of it, I don’t know, but he might be away for some time as it appears that Mummy has disappeared.’

‘Oh I am sorry, Alicia,’

She shrugged her shoulders.

‘She’s done it before, maybe this time they will sort themselves out. In the meantime, Aunt Dulcie is in charge of me and she’ll help us both out. What do you say?’

‘I don’t know how you can think of me when you have your own problems.’

‘Never mind all that tosh, what do you think, are you game?’

I hesitated for a moment and then nodded.

‘All right, I’ll go.’

~ §~

The next morning, I was up bright and early. I was to meet Alicia at the school gate–the same one that I used to go to the funeral–at ten o’clock. I was to wear my school uniform, as that was what Alicia was to wear as per school rules. I made sure that my uniform and blouse were clean. The neck of the blouse was a bit grubby as I had worn it once before, but apart from that, I was presentable. I had my school coat on and hat, which helped hide my features a bit.

I wondered what Alicia’s Aunt Dulcie was like. Would she be nice to me and help me or more likely shop me to the authorities and get me sent to some Godforsaken children’s home where they feed kids on gruel and have them picking oakum or something.

I had to trust Alicia though. I didn’t have the stomach for much more, although if I did get sent to a home, I would just escape and maybe find another school like this one.

The timing was carefully calculated, as that was when the girls came out for break and I wouldn’t be quite so noticeable as I would be on my own. I waited by the gate and then, horror of horrors Tanya came up.

She looked at me happily.

‘Hi, Luce, not seen you around, not still upset about the funeral?’

‘No, I’m fine,’ I said looking around, waiting to be rescued by Alicia. Where was she?

‘Gosh, it’s chilly today and I have to play hockey after break. Funny that we don’t have any classes together. Wonder why that is and I haven’t seen you at meals, why is that––?’

‘–Hi, Lucinda.’

I turned and there was Alicia, dressed as I was.

‘Oh, Alicia, you know Luce then?’

‘Yes, she’s coming out with me today. Can’t stop, there’s Auntie’s car.’

There was a beep on a horn and a Rolls Royce slid almost silently up to the curb. A chauffeur got out and opened the door.

‘Bye, Tanya,’ I said, smiling as Alicia led me to the car. Then I stopped smiling as I remembered where I was going and who I was about to see.

Alicia got in and I followed. It was big car and sitting to one side was a lady about thirty to thirty-five and dressed in clothes that had never been bought at Marks & Sparks; chic was an understatement. This woman had style with a capital S.

‘Auntie Dulcie, this is my friend Lucinda and she needs your help––’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

I waited by the gate and then, horror of horrors Tanya came up.

She looked at me happily.

‘Hi, Luce, not seen you around, not still upset about the funeral?’

‘No, I’m fine,’ I said looking around, waiting to be rescued by Alicia. Where was she?

‘Gosh, it’s chilly today and I have to play hockey after break. Funny that we don’t have any classes together. Wonder why that is and I haven’t seen you at meals, why is that––?’

‘–Hi, Lucinda.’

I turned and there was Alicia, dressed as I was.

‘Oh, Alicia, you know Luce then?’

‘Yes, she’s coming out with me today. Can’t stop, there’s Auntie's car.’

There was a beep on a horn and a Rolls Royce slid almost silently up to the curb. A chauffeur got out and opened the door.

‘Bye, Tanya,’ I said, smiling as Alicia led me to the car. Then I stopped smiling as I remembered where I was going and who I was about to see.

Alicia got in and I followed. It was a big car and sitting to one side was a lady about thirty to thirty-five and dressed in clothes that had never been bought at Marks & Sparks; chic was an understatement. This woman had style with a capital S.

‘Auntie Dulcie, this is my friend Lucinda and she needs your help––’

And now the story continues…

We moved off silently: so silently that I could clearly hear the beating of my heart. Alicia’s Aunt inspected me with slightly raised and perfectly shaped eyebrows. She wasn’t smiling. I took that as a bad sign and immediately looked away from her and wondered whether I ought to make a run for it at the next set of traffic lights.

‘Auntie, Lucinda is in a bit of bother–’

I looked back at Alicia’s aunt, trying to gauge her reaction to my friend’s words.

‘Indeed, and you thought I might help? Alicia, you always think I am a soft touch where you are concerned. I think you’re a spoiled brat who should be in prison by now for all the tricks you have played on the poor unsuspecting staff at your school.’

‘But, Auntie––’

‘–Don’t “but, Auntie” me, young lady. No doubt this poor girl has been drawn into one of your nefarious schemes and has been found out. Only yesterday, I received a letter from your head mistress telling me about your latest escapade–oh no, it was the one before that–the last one had you diving of a damned roof. No the one I am referring to was where you put glue on your mistress’s chair and she got her rear end stuck on it. She had to strip off her dress, ruining it in the process and then had to go and change. Luckily the room was cleared whilst this was going on and you got off your lesson, no doubt the reason for the trick in the first place. This has got to stop, Alicia. God alone knows what your father will say when he gets a bill for the dress––’

‘–But Auntie–’

The lady stopped then and looked enquiringly. ‘All right I will listen but it had better be good.’

I sort of shrank into the corner at this. Alicia’s aunt had barely looked at me and for that, I was grateful, she looked extremely formidable to me and she scared the “you know what” out of me. If my dear old dad had an aunt like her, history would have been very different.

Alicia fished about in her bag and pulled out a local newspaper. It didn’t take even a Dr Watson to work out what she was going to show her aunt.

‘Look at this, Auntie.’

She pointed out the article in question and I tried to blend in with the upholstery–not easy when it’s cream leather.

‘What? Oh yes, poor woman and that boy, he looks quite delicate…they haven’t found him yet. I feel so sorry for the poor child; tragic, just tragic and the whole county looking for the poor mite. Well, what are you trying to say, you–you, blot on the landscape?’

Alicia glanced at me and then at the chauffeur behind the old-fashioned glass partition.

‘Look closely at the photo of Brian.’

The great lady’s eyes went heavenward and then she glanced at my photo more closely, not a wonderful photo, but it was me right enough and recognisable in all my weedy glory.

‘Brian–oh yes, the boy; well, girl, spit it out, you know I can’t abide conundrums.’

‘Is that Ringo Star, auntie?’

‘What–?’

‘On the conundrums––’

‘–Stupid girl, what are you drivelling about now?’

‘Sorry, Auntie–look.’

She pointed at me and her aunt turned in my direction and her eyes sort of bored into me–talk about uncomfortable.

‘Yes, so, oh I see what you mean. Are you related, young lady?’

I just nodded–the cat had got my tongue.

‘Sister? No he has no sisters I believe. I was talking about it the other day to Pru Ponsonby. Cousin then, I thought he didn’t have any relations–?’

I looked down and my eyes started leaking, again!

‘I don’t under–good God, it’s you–him–her. Oh hell, the penny has dropped.’

There was silence for a few moments which seemed like hours in my tortured state.

I sensed her pick up a ’phone, I had already seen the drinks cabinet, I wondered where the toilet was–

‘Alfred, the Jubilee Tea Rooms and don’t spare the horses.’

She studied me closely and then the photo in the paper, then she just shook her head slightly.

‘It’s hard to believe that you are one and the same person. Are you doing this as a disguise or some sort of trick? No, don’t answer, have my handkerchief–you may keep it. We will speak further when we arrive at the tea rooms. It is quiet there at this time of day and we will find a corner table and you can tell me your story, all right?’

I just wiped my eyes, blew my nose and nodded. I did wonder if I would ever be able to speak again though. Then she smiled at me warmly and I immediately felt a bit better.

Alicia came closer and held my hand; that was nice, she was a real friend and I was so grateful that we had found one another.

~ §~

It did not take long to arrive at the tea rooms. I vaguely recalled passing the place on a couple of occasions and remembering that it looked a bit posh for the likes of me. You know the sort of place–cucumber sandwiches and drinking from dinky cups with your little finger cocked. No place for my sort.

The car swished to a halt and the chauffeur opened the door for us. I liked that, it took my mind off my problems for a micro second and made me feel all important.

The teashop door was opened by a lady in a frilly apron and cap. She didn’t quite curtsy, but it was a close run thing. Alicia’s aunt breezed into the place as if she owned it, said a few words to a lady who looked like the manageress and then we were ushered to a corner table behind a flaming great pot plant that Alicia’s aunt called an Abbydisco or something. I wasn’t paying much attention at that point as my tummy was deciding whether to do a Mount Vesuvius trick on me and erupt.

We settled down and Alicia was told to button it as the waitress came up and took our order, which included tea, orange squash and a number of cakes–no cucumber sandwiches thank goodness and then went off again on her errand of mercy!

We were not allowed to talk about little me before the waitress returned and that was okay because I didn’t know what to say and was still a bit dumb struck. I wanted a wee, but daren’t ask to go. That would be a great to-do, apart from everything else, were I to wet my knickers in public!

I wondered if my dear old dad felt the same–not wet his knickers, of course–but I mean after getting his collar felt by the local constabulary, was he nervous? He always said “say nothing until the solicitor comes,” but there was no solicitor for me today. I was here to tell this rather gorgeous looking and impressive lady, why I was dressed like this and quite frankly, I was in a blue funk despite the nice smile that she gave me in the car earlier.

Crocodiles had a bit of a smiley face, if you look at them, but that didn’t stop them from tearing poor little and not so little furry animals apart with their rather sharp teeth. I hope that she didn’t have sharp teeth!

I just sat there, my hands clasped together on my lap, trying not to look too scared and failing miserably. It was my life on the line here. How could I explain that I wasn’t a boy and never was really? How could I tell her that I had always been a square peg in a round hole and it was only very recently that the puzzle had been completed and the last piece had fallen into place and I had realised, at long last that I was different from normal people.

The drinks and eats came and then there was an agonising wait while the waitress did a bit of waitressing and served us our tea and orange squash.

‘Lovely day, modom.’

‘Yes, isn’t it? Thank you so much, I think we can manage now.’

A little bob and the perky waitress left us to it.

I sat with a sticky bun and orange squash untouched before me.

I didn’t look up as I was scared at what I might see.

‘Brian–or is it Lucinda?’

I was very interested in the hem of my skirt and the fact that I saw a thread–

‘It’s Lucinda, Auntie…’

‘Quiet, you odious child, I wasn’t asking you. Well, what is it, Brian or Lucinda?’

I glanced up at her enquiring face. She didn’t seem angry or about to stand up and denounce me as a child spawned by the devil–there I go again with my imagination.

Oh to hell with it–

‘Lucinda,’ I said in a voice sounding like a frog had taken up residence in my throat.

‘Well, Lucinda, tell me all about it–without interruptions from you, young lady.’

‘Oh, Auntie!’

‘Quiet, you reprobate. Lucinda,’ she continued quietly, ‘tell me all about it and don’t hold back as I cannot help you unless you tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’

So I told her everything. About my life up until when my mum died and all that had happened since. How I realised that I wasn’t a normal boy and it was only the events of the past few weeks that had put everything in my life into some sort of meaning and focus. I didn’t hold back about my unlawful activities, although I felt a lot of shame now, I knew at the time, it was the only way I could survive. If I could have paid back everything, I would, but I was as poor as a church mouse and in no position to rectify matters.

In days gone by, I would have been hanged for less.

They listened in silence as I spoke to my navel, not daring to look up. On occasion I heard a few snuffles or possibly sniffles, but I ignored that and ploughed on with my sorry tale that would have put any law abiding citizen to shame. We may have been in the nineteen-sixties now, with all the modern, with it and laid back attitudes, but I was a child of the fifties really and I know that my mum at least would not have approved of what I had done despite having a husband who stole things in a way that was as natural to him as breathing.

As to the fact that I was a girl now, well, I had visions of both of my parents spinning in their graves at how little Brian had turned out. It almost seemed a good idea to join them–at least the pain would be over…

It was all too much and as I finished my sorry tale, I broke down and cried.

I heard the rustle of skirts and then she was sitting next to me and I was in her arms. Her scent smelt nice and I wondered in passing what it was.

The next few minutes were a bit of a blur and it took some time for me to get myself together again. I vaguely recall the waitress coming over and asking if everything was all right and being told that everything was fine but that was about all. Then, as I wiped my eyes, Alicia’s aunt with disturbingly glistening eyes, disappeared for a moment leaving us to wonder what was going to happen.

It seemed that Alicia was as upset as me as her eyes were red with crying and her hanky was sopping wet. Underneath that tough exterior there was a nice girl, no matter what what she and the teachers said.

I sipped my drink and despite the allure of the cream cakes, I felt no hunger. Not so Alicia as she downed two in quick succession. Evidently, being upset didn’t spoil her appetite in the least.

A moment later–call me Auntie Dulcie–came back and sat down. She sipped some more tea and then looked at us both.

‘This needs sorting out and quickly. I have spoken to Miss Molestrangler on the telephone, Alicia, and have told her that you are to stay with me for a few days as you are still upset over certain things. You are to come as well Lucinda and when we get home, we will discuss the best way forward. It was a bit sticky when the head mistress asked who the friend was that was supposed to come with you today and I just told her that her friend had changed her mind. I am not sure if that blithering idiot Tanya or any of the other girls will blab about two girls getting in the Rolls but we will meet that problem if and when necessary. Come along, the sooner that we are home, the better.’

After a quick and relieving diversion to the ladies, we made our way to the car. It was standing outside with the chauffeur standing by the open door. People had stopped to look at us as we got in and I felt quite self-conscious but the others didn’t bat an eyelid.

~ §~

The journey took about an hour: I sat between Alicia and her aunt and said nothing. I was dog tired from all the late nights and I think Alicia was in the same boat. The rocking of the car soon sent us both to sleep and it seemed like only moments until we arrived at Auntie Dulcie’s “little pile” as she liked to call it.

As I wakened, I realised that my head was on Auntie Dulcie’s lap, so I struggled up and apologised at the same time.

‘Don’t be silly, dear, you were tired and at least you were not snoring like Alicia–’

‘–I was not snoring,’ Alicia protested as she stretched, yawned and looked out of the window. ‘Oh, we’re here.’

After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I looked out and did a double take where “here” was.

‘Blimey,’ I thought, ‘if this is what Auntie Dulcie considers a little pile, what is a big one like?’

The place was huge, bigger than the school I would say. It looked Georgian, I am not being a smarty pants, as I saw some Georgian buildings in a book at our local library. All right so I like going to the library and reading things, want to make something of it?

The car scrunched to a halt on the wide sweep of the gravel drive in front of some ginormous double doors. The gardens looked huge and I swear I saw deer in the far distance or were they cows? ‘Maybe I need an eye test.’ I thought.

One of the doors opened and a man wearing butlery type clothes came down the steps. The chauffeur, Albert–no, Alfred–got out smartly and opened the door for Auntie Dulcie.

She swept out and went up the stairs and we followed behind. As she passed the butler, she whispered a few words and he nodded briefly.

‘Hello, Mr Dawes,’ said Alicia brightly.

‘Lady Alicia, please, just Dawes.’

‘Oh pooh, you’ve known me all my life and I happen to know from your wife that when I was a little sprog, you had been known to change my nappy on more than one occasion. You should call me Alicia and this is Lucinda, my friend.’

‘Miss,’ he said looking at me and then returning to Alicia, ‘you know that I cannot address you in any other way than Lady Alicia, we have discussed this matter before and anyway, cook would be shocked and the under parlour maids would start giggling at me.’

With that, he smiled and didn’t look half as crusty!

‘Her Grace has requested that you step into the morning room while she changes. I will arrange for some refreshments while you are waiting.’

We followed the butler through the huge doors and into a reception area that was mind bogglingly large and had marble floors, an ornate ceiling and no less than two chandeliers one at each end of the vast space. There were lots of paintings of people in old fashioned clothes on the walls and believe it or not, there was a full suit of gleaming armour by the wide stars that went up one flight and then split into two–going left and right.

If the hall or whatever they called it was anything to go by, this place was certainly not a council house! Mind you, some of those town halls…

Alicia dragged me over to a door before Dawes could open the door–get it?

We went in and then Dawes followed and asked us what we fancied–well he didn’t say it like that, but I don’t speak Butle, so there.

We both settled for an orange squash and he slid away silently–as if on casters. I supposed they must teach butlers to glide, appear and disappear unobtrusively in Butler School.

I sat in a Queen Anne chair–I like antiques and there were books about them in the library too–oh I’m not going to make excuses any more–I admit it I’m a swot and love books.

Alicia sat in another chair and we kicked our heels until the drinks came, together with a plate of rather nice ginger biscuits. I hadn’t realised how hungry I was as I had only nibbled at the cakes in the tea shop, for obvious reasons.

Dawes exited stage left, silently and efficiently as we devoured our biscuits. I had stopped worrying about my perilous position–a sort of fatalistic mood had come over me–Que Sera, Sera as Doris Day sang in that film, whatever the name of it was.

‘So,’ I said between mouthfuls, ‘are you a lady or something?’

‘Mmm, Lady Alicia Whitworth,’ she replied, and I thought that might explain that she seemed to have a screw loose.

‘So what title has your aunt got?’

‘She’s Her Grace, The Duchess of Billingham,’

‘Blimey, that’s a mouthful.’

‘You get used to it. Uncle Harry–that is, His Grace the Duke of Billingham–can’t stand the title stuff, he was the second son, not in line, but Uncle Dick, who was the first born, broke his neck while hunting and Uncle Harry sort of took over by default. He just likes pottering about in the gardens and arguing about flowers with, Milligan, the mad Irish gardener.’

‘This is confusing,’

‘Tell me about it. Now where is Auntie Dulcie, she only has to throw on a frock?’

As I sat, I looked about the room. I noticed that it had a gilded and painted ceiling, large windows and doors that reached the floor that let lots of light in. Just off center was a large, highly polished dining table with chairs to match, all antiques by my reckoning. Dad would have loved this place and would have helped to empty it, given the chance. Strangely, that thought made me feel ashamed. I had grown to realise that taking things wasn’t that glamorous or exciting. You deprived others, that was was the long and short of it.

Before seeing the light, I supposed that I had been thinking in terms of my father being some sort of Robin Hood figure, who took from the rich and gave to the poor. As we were always poor, then we were the rightful beneficiaries or so it seemed at the time: now I wasn’t so sure.

The door opened and Auntie Dulcie entered. It was funny my calling her that, but I suppose that was easier than trying to call her by her title, which was a mouthful and a half.

‘So, Lucinda,’ she said as she sat down in her cream, A-line dress that showed her rather fine figure off to the full, ‘Let’s talk business. Do you want Alicia to leave?’

‘No, I would rather she be here.’

‘Very well–but, Alicia, one peep out of you and you are out.’ She gazed at her and then rather me intently and then continued; ‘Now, Lucinda, what do you want?’

‘Want?’

‘Yes, want. What I mean is, if you had the chance to do or have anything now, what would you want?’

I stared at the floor for a moment.

‘I want my mum back.’

‘I am sorry dear that is something we cannot do for you. Bearing that in mind what else do you want to do, with your life, I mean?’

‘I want…I want…’ I sighed, ‘I don’t want to go back to living as a boy.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I have never been a good or successful boy and although I didn’t realise that until just a short time ago, everything now makes sense. I don’t believe that I was ever really a boy.’

‘You know that you cannot return to the school and live as you have been, don’t you?’

‘I suppose not, but I do not want to be put in a horrid home. I would run away, I know I would and how can I go looking like this?’ I asked waving vaguely at my girls clothes, ‘they would kill me.’

‘They?’

‘The other kids; children can be horrible sometimes.’

‘Are you afraid of being a boy again?’

‘No…yes; but, miss, madam––’

‘–Auntie will do, dear.’

‘A—auntie, you don’t understand, I am not a boy. I thought I was but now realise that I’m not, so how can I be one…it…it would be a lie.’

I began to cry again. Why did I cry so much?

In the distance I could hear the tinkling of a bell.

‘Look dear, we have to find out how we can to help you. To be honest I am a bit out of my depth. I know a doctor who has had experience of dealing with the problems that you are facing and if I’m not mistaken, that was her ringing the doorbell. She is an old chum of mine from my student days at Cambridge; I rang her earlier–’

The door opened and the butler was there.

‘Dr Hargreaves has arrived, My Lady.’

‘Very good, Dawes, show her into my study, would you?’

‘Very good, My Lady,’

Auntie turned to me.

‘I have explained some of your circumstances to her, but she will have to have a look at you; are you agreeable?’

‘Will it hurt?’

‘Of course not, and she’s a sweet old thing, although a bit of a devil with a hockey stick and I’m sure that the two of you will get along like a house on fire. I’ll just go and see her and then call you when she’s ready; is that all right?’

I just nodded and, with a smile, she left us.

Glancing at Alicia, she was looking out of the window and seemed unusually quiet.

‘What are you thinking about?’

‘My parents; I wish that they would get over their squabbling and then we might be a family again.’

‘Oh I am sorry, I keep forgetting that I’m not the only one with troubles. It’s very selfish of me.’

‘Don’t be a silly goose, I understand. At least my parents are alive and there’s a hope that they might get back together again. I do hope that Auntie and this doctor can sort things out for you.’

I didn’t have time to say anything more, as the door opened and Auntie beckoned me. I got up and smiled nervously at Alicia.

‘Good luck,’ she said, holding her thumbs up.

Auntie Dulcie held my hand reassuringly as I was taken down the hall to a room at the end. She opened the door and motioned for me to go through. Feeling a bit like being sent into the lion’s den and with my heart thumping nineteen to the dozen, I walked through.

Sitting behind a desk sat a lady who was of a similar age to Auntie, but dare I say it, not so pretty. It didn’t help that she was dressed in a rather severe ladies’ suit. If she changed her clothes and let her hair down, lost the glasses and had a bit of make–

‘Hello there, come and sit down. Thanks, Dulcie, I’ll call if I need you.’

I heard the door close quietly behind me as I smoothed my skirt down and sat on the Chippendale chair opposite the doctor.

She had a soft pleasant voice with a slight Scottish accent and it made me feel a bit better that she didn’t sound angry with me.

‘So, would you like me to call you Lucinda?’

‘Yes, please.’ I replied quietly, taking a deep breath to quieten my anxiety.

‘Very well, dear, perhaps you can answer a few questions about how you are now and also how you found yourself getting into this position. I know a lot about the circumstances, but I need to dig a bit deeper, can you help me do that?’

‘Y—y—yes.’

‘Don’t be frightened, I don’t judge people by the colour of their skin, their age, gender or even their sexual preferences–although I hope you don’t have to think about the last one for a few years yet. Now I’ll ask some questions and all I ask of you is that you tell the truth. Evasive or incorrect answers will not help you or me, okay?

‘Yes, Miss.’

She smiled, ‘Doctor will be fine, dear. Right, here is the first question is, are you a boy?’

‘No.’

‘Are you a girl?’

‘Yes.’

‘You have boys’ bits down below so how can you be a girl?’

‘Because my body is wrong.’

‘In what way?’

‘Because–it’s difficult to explain but when I look in the mirror I know that I am seeing a boy not a girl and the boy bits shouldn’t really be there. In my head, I’m a girl.’

‘But you didn’t feel that way before, when your mother was alive.’

‘I know that I didn’t actually put it in words, but I always felt different right from when I was young. I know that I sometimes tried on my mother’s clothes, but I was just playing dress up then, or so I thought. Now I’m not so sure, I remember feeling nice and calm when I did that and I was upset when I had to be my boy self again.’

‘Dressing in girls clothes doesn’t make you a girl though. Some boys and men do it because they enjoy dressing up but they don’t think that they are girls.’

‘No, I realise that. The clothes represent what I am, but if you take my clothes away, that doesn’t make me feel any less of a girl.’

‘So the clothes are just the outside or public showing of how you feel inside?’

‘Yes, that’s it.’

‘When did you finally realise that you are a girl?’

‘Shortly after hiding in the school. Oh it felt strange at first when I stole the clothes from that washing line but I felt more at peace somehow and comfortable in myself even then. When I arrived at the school and everyone there were girls, it just felt right to be dressed as I was and being the real me. I never knew that I would have the courage to carry all this through, but I am glad that I did because now I know who I am.’

‘And that is?’

‘Lucinda.’

The doctor talked to me for another half an hour and sort of squeezed me through the mangle and then took me up to a bedroom and asked me to get undressed, which I did. I was a bit embarrassed but nevertheless did as she asked.

She examined me from head to toe and did things which were rather uncomfortable. Then she took some blood and did some other tests. After she finished, I was allowed to get dressed again.

She sat on the bed as I dressed and talked to me.

‘Well Lucinda, I have had a good look at you and I must say that you are very under developed for your age and you haven’t hit puberty yet, although that isn’t all that unusual. I need to get this blood analysed to see what is going on but I have a rough idea about what is happening. Give me a few days to get the results and then we can talk further. You may have to go into hospital for a few additional tests, but we will cross that bridge, if and when. It is obvious to me that you believe strongly that you are a girl and looking at you, there is no doubt that you are quite androgynous–even feminine. In my medical opinion, provisionally anyway, I feel that it would do more harm than good for you present yourself as a boy at this time. For the moment I am happy to support you in this and will do all I can to smooth the way with the authorities.’

‘Will I be taken away?’

‘No, Dulcie has told the authorities that she will be looking after you until things are sorted and because she carries a lot of weight around here; be assured that no one is going to take you away. The matter of your gender has not, as yet been discussed with the authorities. Experience tells me that it is best to have everything in place, before broaching the subject with them. I’ll let Dulcie explain more later. For the moment, let’s go downstairs and see if we can get a cup of tea.’

Ten minutes later, I found myself in Alicia’s room. She had her own room because she stayed with her aunt quite a lot and more regularly since her parents’ marriage problems had surfaced.

We were lying on the bed staring at the ceiling and talking quietly. I told her about the doctor and what she said — I didn’t mention the medical bits much as they were embarrassing and I preferred not to talk about them.

‘Golly, that’s great; you can stay here for a bit anyway. Maybe I can get some compash leave from school so I can keep you company.’

‘Don’t you like school?’

‘Yes–well sometimes. You see, I hate being told what to do. I know it’s a fault of mine. Daddy is a bit like that, so I probably got it from him. It’s a jolly good school really, compared to some.’

‘My old school was awful. Lessons were a joke and teachers had no control. I was bullied like a lot of other small kids and the teachers–the headmaster in particular–always seemed to side with the bullies. I lost count in the end, the amount of times I came home battered and bruised after a thrashing from the bullies and a caning from the headmaster.’

‘It sounds absolutely horrible.’

‘It was.’

‘Not like my school. I know that I knock it sometimes, but the mistresses are fairly decent and we have quite a good time really. The Mole is a bit frightening and you don’t want to get a tongue lashing from her, but I thinks she’s quite nice for an oldun.’

‘I would love to go there, as a pupil not a stowaway or whatever it’s called when you are on dry land.’

‘That would be soooper. Mind you, you would have to do school work and prep if they allowed you in.’

‘I can’t go there though; I’m not rich like you.’

‘Oh they have scholarship girls and I reckon that you must eat lots of fish because you seem quite brainy. The school loves brainy kids for some reason.’

‘What about my boy bits?’

‘What about them? You aren’t going to go around school parading them are you?’

We both began giggling at that thought and then one thing led to another and in no time flat, we were having a pillow fight with feathers flying everywhere.

‘Excuse me.’

Everything sort of stopped dead. We looked over at the door and there was Her Grace, The Duchess of Billingham and she was not amused. Feathers were falling like soft snow, getting into our eyes and hair and making me sneeze — it was like a Christmas scene — almost!

‘What is the meaning of this?’

‘Oh, Auntie, sorry it’s my fault, we sort of got carried away.’

‘Alicia, you should know better–’

‘–No, Auntie, it was my fault, I said something silly and then we were off.’

Then I sneezed as a feather went up my nose.

‘Thank you for owning up, Lucinda but it looks as if the blame is shared equally so you should both go to Miss Trotwood and ask for some dustpans and brushes–off you go.’

Miss Trotwood, the housekeeper, supplied us with the necessary and I could see that she was holding back the laughter as she handed us the cleaning equipment. Ah well it was worth it, I supposed.

~ §~

‘Time for bed, Alicia.’

‘Oh, Aunteee!’

It was quite late in the evening. We had had a nice supper in the morning room of all places and I must say, cook did us proud with steak and kidney pudding followed by jam roly-poly. Auntie had gone out to some function or other so it was just Alicia and I, not forgetting a staff of eighty–well that was an exaggeration but that’s how it felt at the time.

After our rib stretching meal, we watched a few programs on television before Auntie returned and pronounced that it was bed time.

She was wearing a floor length lemon silk gown and she looked really fab. She was dripping with jewellery and had a beautiful tiara in her hair. I did so wish that I could wear things like that when I was older, but the jury was out on that and I did wonder a bit about the future. After kissing us both goodnight, she shooed us off to bed.

Alicia’s bedroom was next to mine. I borrowed a nightie, pink–I like pink–dressing gown, slippers, flannel and toothbrush from her and we went to our respective bedrooms. I think Alicia wanted to stay up all night and talk, but to be honest we were both tired out and so we just hugged and said goodnight with the promise in the morning that Alicia would show me her pony–Tinkerbell.

I slipped into bed and pulled the cover up. It had taken moments to change, brush my teeth, have a wee and wash my face and hands. The bed felt soft and warm and I snuggled down and with the bedside lamp off, I shut my eyes, sighed and settled down to sleep.

Only I didn’t sleep. I was so tired but at the same time totally wound up like a clock spring. Thoughts kept on going around my head as I wondered what would become of me. I couldn’t go through any more pain and heartache. Although Auntie had been so kind to me and the understanding doctor too, all I could think of was that someone would come and take me away. Maybe Percy Pointer would arrive on the doorstep and demand that I be taken back to the boys school and then be thrashed with the cane for truancy.

Then it could be some terrible person from the council insisting that I change into rough boys’ clothes and then be put into a home with other kids who would never understand who I really was.

I tried for ages to sleep, but I couldn’t. Then I had a thought, maybe a glass of milk might help. I was sure that they wouldn’t mind–well I hoped so, anyway.

I switched on the light on the bedside table and got out of bed. I stepped into my slippers and then put on my dressing gown over my nightie and when I was ready, I went over to the door and opened it. It almost felt like I was back at the school as I slipped into the hallway and made my way downstairs waiting for that ever-possible tap on my shoulder.

Only this wasn’t the school it was a house–well mansion if you want to be picky. There were a few lights on and I didn’t have any trouble finding the kitchen. It was about one in the morning and the place was a quiet as the grave, apart from the loud ticking of a grandfather clock in the hall.

I switched the light on in the kitchen, which was large by any standard and almost as big as the school one.

Going to the fridge, I picked up one of the bottles of milk. Over to the side were some saucepans including a small milk pan.

Soon the milk was heating on the gas stove and I found a mug hanging on a peg with some others in a huge dresser to one side of the kitchen.

After pouring the hot milk into the mug, I sat at a huge farmhouse-type wooden table and blew on the milk to cool it down a bit.

I jumped when I heard a noise.

Then the door opened and there was Auntie!

I nearly dropped my drink in fright as she looked at me sitting there, mug in hand and no doubt looking as guilty as sin.

‘Hello, Lucinda,’ she said coming up, ‘are you all right?’

‘Sorry, please don’t send me away. I shouldn’t have come downstairs, oh please don’t send me away!’

All my insecurity came flooding out as I once again began crying almost uncontrollably. How I didn’t spill my drink I never knew, but somehow I found myself in her arms as she tried to comfort me.

So this was what I was now? No longer the tough, resourceful person, able to face up to the world alone and without help. I was now a nervous wreck, not able to do anything without bursting into tears.

Eventually I calmed down as I heard soothing words that to this day I cannot remember. I was emotionally drained and so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. The disturbing outpourings had released a pressure valve that had been building all day. It took a while to realise that I wasn’t in trouble and once I realised that, I became more rational.

‘Now dry your eyes and drink your milk before it gets cold. Then up to bed with you.’

Sniffing, I did as I was told and then Auntie took me back upstairs to my room and made sure that I was safely tucked up again. She then sat on the bed and talked to me in a quiet and gentle voice.

‘Lucinda, I know you’re tired, but being tired doesn’t always guarantee sleep, that is why you got up in the first place. I was going to have a chat with you tomorrow, but to put your mind at rest; I will let you know what has happened today. As Dr Hargreaves mentioned, I have spoken to the authorities and they are happy for you to stay here. The police have been informed that you have been found and are safe. I will not let you be put into any home no matter what the outcome of your medical tests. I have a few ideas as to how we can solve your problems, but need to speak to my husband when he arrives home from Cannes tomorrow. As it is, I can promise you solemnly that you will be well cared for in a loving home and not placed anywhere where you do not want to be. Also, I will do everything in my power to help you be the person you want and need to be. Do you believe me?’

‘Yes, miss,’

‘Auntie.’

‘Yes, A—Auntie,’

‘Good girl–hmm, something is missing, I won’t be a tick.’

She got up and left the room. I was wondering what was going on when almost as soon as she left, she was back, carrying something small and furry. She put it on the bed and it meowed at me–it was a kitten!

‘This is Mandy; our cat Ellie-Mae has had a litter and they are all going to good homes in the next few weeks except this one as everyone loves her too much to let her go. She is a bit adventurous and likes to find nice warm places near people. She might stay the night and she might not, but judging by the way she has made herself at home, I think you have some company for tonight. Goodnight, dear, we will talk tomorrow.’

She kissed me on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, sweet dreams. If you are worried or can’t sleep, come and see me, I am three doors up on the left.’

‘Goodnight and thank you for having me.’

With my immediate worries out of the way, and to the gentle purring sounds of the tiny cat sleeping against my tummy, I was able to sleep more peacefully than I had in a very long time.

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing, help with the plot-lines and pulling the story into shape.

Previously…

‘Sorry, please don’t send me away. I shouldn’t have come downstairs, oh please don’t send me away!’

All my insecurity came flooding out as I once again began crying almost uncontrollably. How I didn’t spill my drink I never knew, but somehow I found myself in her arms as she tried to comfort me.

So this was what I was now? No longer the tough, resourceful person, able to face up to the world alone and without help. I was now a nervous wreck, not able to do anything without bursting into tears.

Eventually I calmed down as I heard soothing words that to this day I cannot remember. I was emotionally drained and so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. The disturbing outpourings had released a pressure valve that had been building all day. It took a while to realise that I wasn’t in trouble and once I realised that, I became more rational.

‘Now dry your eyes and drink your milk before it gets cold. Then up to bed with you.’

Sniffing, I did as I was told and then Auntie took me back upstairs to my room and made sure that I was safely tucked up again. She then sat on the bed and talked to me in a quiet and gentle voice.

‘Lucinda, I know you’re tired, but being tired doesn’t always guarantee sleep, that is why you got up in the first place. I was going to have a chat with you tomorrow, but to put your mind at rest; I will let you know what has happened today. As Dr Hargreaves mentioned, I have spoken to the authorities and they are happy for you to stay here. The police have been informed that you have been found and are safe. I will not let you be put into any home no matter what the outcome of your medical tests. I have a few ideas as to how we can solve your problems, but need to speak to my husband when he arrives home from Cannes tomorrow. As it is, I can promise you solemnly that you will be well cared for in a loving home and not placed anywhere where you do not want to be. Also, I will do everything in my power to help you be the person you want and need to be. Do you believe me?’

‘Yes, miss,’

‘Auntie.’

‘Yes, A—Auntie,’

‘Good girl–hmm, something is missing, I won’t be a tick.’

She got up and left the room. I was wondering what was going on when almost as soon as she left, she was back, carrying something small and furry. She put it on the bed and it meowed at me–it was a kitten!

‘This is Mandy; our cat Ellie-Mae has had a litter and they are all going to good homes in the next few weeks except this one as everyone loves her too much to let her go. She is a bit adventurous and likes to find nice warm places near people. She might stay the night and she might not, but judging by the way she has made herself at home, I think you have some company for tonight. Goodnight, dear, we will talk tomorrow.’

She kissed me on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, sweet dreams. If you are worried or can’t sleep, come and see me, I am three doors up on the left.’

‘Goodnight and thank you for having me.’

With my immediate worries out of the way, and to the gentle purring sounds of the tiny cat sleeping against my tummy, I was able to sleep more peacefully than I had in a very long time.

And now the story continues…

I awoke the next morning to something wet licking my nose. Opening my eyes, there was Mandy’s face up real close, her eyes huge and she was purring loudly.

‘Morning Mandy,’ I said stretching and yawning.

Mandy looked at me for a moment and then after another yawn and stretch, she nibbled a bit on the ribbon on my nightie, got bored with that, jumped off the bed and stood by the door. Looking at the door and then at me; she gave out a pitiful meow that sounded as if she had something terrible on her mind.

It didn’t take long to work out that she wanted to go out, so I got up and padded over to the door and opened it. She nodded and then after a quick and I think maybe even a grateful glance in my direction, she scooted out of the door. After closing the door again, I padded over to the window and drew back the heavy curtains, blinking a bit in the strong sunlight.

The grounds were huge and yes, it had a lake in the distance and plenty of livestock over what appeared to be a sort of farm bit to the left. My eyes could see sheep and cows and small dots that could be anything but might be chickens — I would have to get my eyes checked out...

Then I remembered. I was waiting for the verdict about my future. His Grace or whatever he was called would be coming home from abroad today and there would be discussions about my future. I remember Auntie saying late last night that I would be safe here and I believed her. I wondered if Alicia knew about what was going on.

I had to wait for a bit though as my bladder had decided that it wanted sorting out and I went to the loo and did the necessary. I was a bit cold and realised that I should have brought my pink dressing gown with me, but that was still in my secret room in the school with everything else. Then I remembered that Alicia had lent me one of hers — white, but you can’t have everything.

That reminded me — it wasn’t my room at the school any more. I wouldn’t ever sleep there again or do some sort of midnight sortie to find goodies. It made me feel strangely sad. I had gotten used to living there and felt as if I actually belonged at the big school with daft Tanya and all the girls and the teachers and even Matron ‘popping up’ all the time. It gave me a rush to live on the edge like that, not knowing if or when I would be caught and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. But it wasn’t a proper life and I couldn’t continue the way I had been. Eventually I would have been caught and then, who knows what would have happened — borstal for stealing; who knows?

Who was I then? All this was a bit deep and heavy for a kid like me, but I always was a deep thinker. Sitting on the bed again, I thought through a few things. I was still a boy — physically that is, but underneath, I was all girl. The mere thought of putting on boy’s clothes made me feel slightly sick. Not because boy’s clothes were wrong and let’s face it, I had been wearing them all my life — no it was because of what they represented — something that simply wasn’t me.

I shivered slightly in my thin cotton nightie, it wasn’t the cold, it was the thought that all this could be taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I did go over to the door and took the dressing gown off the hook and put it on but my mind was still on other things. I was in the hands of others now and I wasn’t sure that I liked that. I was independent and had been ever since I started having to fend for myself and my mum.

There was knock on the door and I jumped slightly.

‘Come in,’ I said in a voice that sounded a bit quavery.

The door opened and Alicia bounced in wearing a dressing gown over her short nightie.

‘Hi Lucinda,’ she said as she came over, gave me a quick hug and then plonked herself down next to me. ‘This is well groovy, you being here and us not having to go to school.’

‘It wasn’t my school, though,’ I said.

‘I know that but still, no lessons and no Miss Peabody telling me to take off that lipstick. No Mole telling off and asking me to be more ladylike — as if.’

‘You shouldn’t wear lipstick in class, it says so in the handbook I erm, borrowed.’

‘Hark at Miss Prissy Lucinda...’

I wasn’t going to stand for that, so I proceeded to tickle her and one thing led to another and we started a pillow fight and were jumping all over the bed....

There was a cough from the door— an aristocratic cough.

We stopped mid swipe and looked across; it was Auntie Dulcie— who else!

‘I see that you enjoy cleaning, girls. You will get dressed, have breakfast and after that you will come up and clean the room. I don’t know; put too airheads together like you two and all hell breaks loose. Alicia, you should know better, but I give up on you and Lucinda, I am not sure whether I ought to forgive you because of all the problems you have had or put you on bread and water for a week.’

My face must have dropped at that as her features softened somewhat as she continued.

‘I suppose I should make allowances. Alicia is bad company and not a good example of how a well brought up gel should behave.’

‘Auntie, that’s not fair...’

‘Quiet you poor excuse for a girl. Maybe I should get your father to send you to a school for delinquents.’

‘Delinquent, me? I’m from a broken home and I have issues.’

‘Alicia, you have been reading The Daily Sketch again; I keep telling you that you are not from what you call a broken home. Your parents’ relationship is, shall we say, difficult, but they will, I am sure, get their act together again and things will be back to normal— you know how sickeningly lovey—dovey they can be after one of their spats. Now, you two, get dressed and I mean properly dressed, no jeans in this house, and then go and have your breakfast and then clean up this mess.

‘But Auntie, I promised that Luce could go and see Tinkerbell this morning.’

‘Tinkerbell can wait. I have a good mind to refuse you permission to see her today...’

‘Ooh Auntie...’

‘Don’t, “ooh auntie me”, young lady, now get cracking you two!’

We cracked.

I borrowed a nice pink dress from Alicia — did I tell you that I love pink. It went down to mid thigh and it was Hot with a capital H. Well I thought so, but it wasn’t as short as the dresses Twiggy wears but she’s so thin and stick insect like; but let’s face facts here, apart from her fantastic good looks, she would look great in a bin liner. Not that I’m jealous — well I am, but I have to be satisfied with what I have, not what I want to have or be, if you know what I mean. I was burbling, I knew I was, but that was how I felt at the time, all nervous and apprehensive about what the day would bring and concentrating on my dress rather than on what was really worrying me — the Duke.

Before we went down, Alicia put a bit of war paint on me. Light foundation, blusher, eye shadow and mascara and some red lipstick. Then she back combed my hair and gave me a fringe somehow and then...

Looking at myself in the mirror I said a silent, ‘wow.’

I looked pretty. Not drop dead lovely, I was too young for that. But it gave me an idea as to what I would look like when I was a bit older. That’s what makeup does; make you look older and more sophisticated.

I was very aware of my thickened eyelashes as I blinked — weird or what?

Alicia let me admire myself while she did her face. I could see, when she had finished, that she was a bit of an expert at makeup and it looked pretty flawless to my untutored eye.

‘How long have you been doing this?’ I asked.

‘Since about eight.’

‘You’re good.’

‘I know. Mummy taught me. She is truly beautiful and knows all the tricks. It’s a pity I can’t wear makeup at school, that sucks, but when I get away from the prison, I am allowed to wear a bit, not much, but enough to make me feel better.’

We went downstairs and had some breakfast in a sort of a conservatory at the back of the house overlooking an ornamental pond complete with goldfish and ducks.

Auntie wasn’t around and we were served by a manservant or whatever he was called. He was quiet and unobtrusive and glided about a bit like the butler did the previous day. I wanted to ask him how he did that, but got all shy.

Alicia chatted a lot and we talked, or rather she talked and I sucked it up like a sponge, about films like Hud and the dishy Paul Newman with his blue eyes and groups, especially The Beatles, what Paul was doing with that girl on his arm in that photo and wasn’t Ringo funny? How “this” was groovy and “that” was fab. How short should a skirt be without showing your knickers and other fashion essentials that all girls should be aware of. I think that Alicia talked about those things to see if the servant blushed, but that must be another thing they teach at the servants and butlers school, how not to blush in public.

The ham and eggs were great, as was the toast and tea and other bits and pieces we ate as we chatted. I almost forgot the fact that today was going to be a very important one for me.

Soon we had finished and went for the cleaning things. The housekeeper couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she handed us the dustpan and brushes. I wondered why she was smiling like that.

After thirty minutes of hard slog and toil, I decided that I did not want to be a domestic when I grew up — too much like hard work.

Alicia and I were much of the same size, and after we had finished cleaning up my room, we went into hers and changed for riding. I turned my back as I changed as I didn’t want her to see anything that she didn’t have and I was once again rather shy. I don’t think that she would have batted an eyelid at my puny male parts, but I didn’t want to give her the opportunity.

I felt strange in jodhpurs, long boots and a pink striped polo shirt and carrying a riding helmet as Alicia and I walked over to the stables. I had my hair in bunches and tied with pink ribbons — I know pink, get used to it! That felt funny too as I hadn’t worn my hair like that before, but I just went with the flow and followed Alicia over to Tinkerbell’s stable trying not to feel too self-conscious.

There were several girls around similarly attired as us, all with ponies. It appeared that the local pony club used the place as well as members of the family.

Alicia said hello to several girls and there was a general horsy type chat going on for a while. I only understood every third or fourth word, but it didn’t matter much as the others were talking nineteen to the dozen and seemed to accept me for who and what I was — a new girl.

Eventually I got to see Tinkerbell — she was a lovely grey colour and as gentle as a lamb as Alicia helped me up and I was able to sit astride her.

No-one laughed at me or thought that I looked silly as I was led around a paddock with Alicia holding the reins. I was nervous and I wondered at one stage if I would wet my knickers as Tinkerbell broke into a canter, but she was a gentle thing and I soon began to enjoy myself, although afterwards I had a bit of a sore bottom!

All too soon, I had to get off slightly bow-legged and I watched Alicia in another paddock jump some low fences as if she had done that sort of thing all her life— which she probably had, come to think of it!

As I watched from the other side of the fence, I was aware that someone had come up. It was a man, wearing a suit.

‘Hello there, hot isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ I replied wondering who he was.

He was I suppose about thirty to thirty-five rather athletic looking and had a pleasant open face. He was much taller than me, I supposed six foot, give or take an inch.

He put out his hand.

‘I’m Harry Billingham, how do you do Lucinda.’

‘Harry? Oh, erm, hello Your Lordship, Grace or erm.’

My voice sounded very Minnie Mouseish as I squeaked my reply.

‘Nice to meet you; look, I’m going to change and then speak to my wife for a bit. After messing about with the ponies, would you like to come up and see us in the library, I will be up to speed by then?’

‘’Y...yes sir.’

‘Oh none of that nonsense; call me Harry or Uncle Harry, if you want.’

‘Ooo-kay, H...Uncle Harry.’

He smiled and turned away, striding across the yard and disappearing in the distance. Just then Alicia rode up, rather out of breath.

‘Luce, did you see me have that clear round —Luce, what’s up?’

I looked at her smiling glowing face.

‘I have just met your uncle.’

‘Oh, he’s back, super, I want to beat him at croquet, he’s 12-9 up and I have a nifty new shot with a bit of spin I want to try on him...why do you look worried?’

‘He wants me to see him and your aunt later.’

‘How much later?’

‘When we have finished with the ponies, he said.’

‘Well, let’s get you back on Tinks for a bit and then we will go and get you something to wear that will show dear Uncle how sweet and girlie you are.’

I looked at her and wondered what she had in mind.

Forty five minutes later, I was ready — or as ready as I would ever be. I wearing one of Alicia’s dresses by a Mary Quant — I had never heard of her but she was evidently “with it” and “in” according to an enthusiastic Alicia. I was wearing a black & white check sleeveless dress and white tights. It was rather short, the dress I mean, but dresses and skirts were getting that way now that we were in the swinging sixties — or so it said in the glossy magazines.

My hair had been brushed straight. Although not long, my hair looked nice and feminine with, after a bit of snipping here and there, the fringe just above my eyes and the sides and back, just flicking in and touching my shoulders. I hadn’t realised just how much it had grown and it had now, according to the expert Alicia, given me more options whatever that meant.

Anyway, I was wearing a nice dress and I had on some shiny black shoes. My hair was right and my makeup had been touched up and I smelt nice as I had been spritzed with Topaz by Avon. As a finishing touch, my finger and toe nails were bright red, to match my lips. No way did I feel like a boy. In this outfit I was all girl and I loved it. I would be enjoying myself if it wasn’t for the fact that I had to sort out my future. I had visions of being laughed at and then carted off to the boy’s home by a sneering Percy Pointer. I know that I had been promised things, but promises don’t mean a thing— actions do.

I thought that the dress was a bit short and tried to pull the hem down, but it didn’t help and I hoped against hope that my knickers would not show under the rather thin tights. Then I wondered if my flat chest would be held against me — oh you know what I mean! Alicia had budding breasts and I had nothing to speak of.

I licked my slippery red lips as I made my way to the library and after nodding to the butler who had somehow appeared out of the woodwork, he opened the door and motioned me in. My heart was banging like a big base drum as I walked in, my low heels clicking on the marble floor and my nearly bare knees trembling like jelly.

‘Ah there you are,’ said Auntie Dulcie as she got up from a sofa and walked over to me, looking cool and sophisticated in a pale cream dress. Uncle Harry was on the phone and looking out of the window.

‘Hmm,’ said Auntie, as she gave me the once over. ‘Not bad, too much makeup, but that’s Alicia for you. At your age and with your skin, a light touch is better and I don’t really approve of mascara for young girls. You have lovely lashes dear, why hide them?

‘Sorry,’ I said looking down at the floor, my hair curtaining my face, feeling all self-conscious.

‘Don’t apologise dear, look at me.’

I looked up at her lovely face as she pulled my hair away from my face.

‘Never apologise for what you are; be proud and hold your head up.’

Just then I heard a tinkle as Uncle Harry put the phone down.

He turned my way and I could see the surprise in his eyes. Last time he saw me, I was in riding gear and I maybe I was shocking him, the way I looked now, I mean.

I wanted the earth to swallow me up. He was going to laugh or shout at me or worse throw me out on my ear...

Auntie had her hand on my shoulder.

‘Well Harry, what do you think of young Lucinda here?’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do try, in fact my friends say that I'm very trying!

Previously…

I thought that the dress was a bit short and tried to pull the hem down, but it didn’t help and I hoped against hope that my knickers would not show under the rather thin tights. Then I wondered if my flat chest would be held against me — oh you know what I mean! Alicia had budding breasts and I had nothing to speak of.

I licked my slippery red lips as I made my way to the library and after nodding to the butler who had somehow appeared out of the woodwork, he opened the door and motioned me in. My heart was banging like a big base drum as I walked in, my low heels clicking on the marble floor and my bare knees trembling like jelly.

‘Ah there you are,’ said Auntie Dulcie as she got up from a sofa and walked over to me, looking cool and sophisticated in a pale cream dress. Uncle Harry was on the phone and looking out of the window.

‘Hmm,’ said Auntie, as she gave me the once over. ‘Not bad, too much makeup, but that’s Alicia for you. At your age and with your skin, a light touch is better and I don’t really approve of mascara for young girls. You have lovely lashes dear, why hide them?

‘Sorry,’ I said looking down at the floor, my hair curtaining my face, feeling all self-conscious.

‘Don’t apologise dear, look at me.’

I looked up at her lovely face as she pulled my hair away from my face.

‘Never apologise for what you are; be proud and hold your head up.’

Just then I heard a tinkle as Uncle Harry put the phone down.

He turned my way and I could see the surprise in his eyes. Last time he saw me, I was in riding gear and maybe I was shocking him, the way I looked now, I mean.

I wanted the earth to swallow me up. He was going to laugh or shout at me or worse throw me out on my ear...

Auntie had her hand on my shoulder.

‘Well Harry, what do you think of young Lucinda here?’

And now the story continues…

I looked down on the white and black checked marble floor. Funny that, the floor was the same colour as my dress. Maybe I would be camouflaged and he wouldn’t see me...

‘Hello again Lucinda.’

His voice was full of warmth and friendliness. Maybe he wasn’t going to bite my head off after all.

I looked up, all self-conscious and wondering if he was just toying with me. I had had so many bad things going on with my life up to now, would this be another ‘bad thing’?

His face was nice, I hadn’t realised when I saw him earlier; he had laughter lines around his eyes. He was so tall and athletic. Somehow I wanted to have those strong arms around me. I was desperate for a hug but no, these were silly thoughts. I was just a boy dressed up as a girl as far as he was concerned...

I looked down again and I could hear steps coming towards me.

He was in front of me now. He had nice highly polished black shoes on...

A finger went under my chin and pushed gently upwards.

‘Don’t look down, look up and be proud of what you are.’

‘What am I?’ I asked in a small voice.

‘As far as I can see a very pretty girl. Are you a pretty girl or a boy, just pretending?’

I looked at his face. That smile was still there so he wasn’t disgusted with what he saw.

‘A g...girl.’ I whispered in a small almost inaudible voice.

‘That’s good; I like a girl who knows her mind. Now come and sit down by the window and we can all have a chat about what can be done for you.’

Auntie looked at me encouragingly and soon we were all sat in easy chairs with a coffee table laden with cakes and cola for me and tea for the older ones. Nothing was said while the maid dished out the goodies and it was only after her short bobbed courtesy and then almost silent leaving of us that the Duke spoke.

‘Well this is nice; tuck in Lucinda or I’ll nab that rather nice and scrummy cream cake.

I giggled at that and after a look at Auntie, who looked amused, I picked up the cake and took a rather unladylike chunk out of it.

They both laughed at that!

‘Well Lucinda, you have a few boy like traits that might need ironing out!’ said Auntie Dulcie, smiling.

‘Sorry,’ I said and nearly sprayed her with crumbs. What a way to break the tension, well it was a delicious cake!

After carefully cleaning my creamy mouth with a lace hanky supplied by Auntie and looking at the red lipstick stain on the once pristine white material, I realised that I was being spoken to.

‘Sorry?’ I said, looking up suddenly

‘I think,’ said Uncle Harry, ‘that my wife will put it all better than me, what has been decided, I mean–with your approval, of course.

I turned to look at Auntie, who had just taken a sip of tea.

She put her cup and saucer gently down on the table and then looked at me.

‘Alright Lucinda; whilst you and my silly niece have been cleaning up the mess you two created in your bedroom...’

‘Sorry about that.’

She smiled and continued. ‘I was young once, you know.’

‘Was you? Oh sorry, that was rude!’

The duke snorted for some reason and after a black look at him from the duchess he continued.

‘As I say, I’ll let Dulcie continue,’

‘Right Lucinda, pay attention girl and stop looking down, you aren’t in any trouble,’

I looked up at her, wondering why I was so touchy at the moment and full of self doubt. Then I remembered my circumstances and why I was there and I knew full well why I felt that way.

‘My husband and I have spoken at length, last night on the telephone and today when he got back from Cannes. We agreed on a course of action and have made a number of phone calls. We are, for our sins, foster carers. We have in the past taken on any number of children with problems, mainly on a short term basis. I myself could never have children and I suppose, Alicia is as close as we can get to having our own child.’

‘I’m sorry,’

‘Don’t be; we have had a wonderful life and have helped many children. The long and short of it is that the council are willing for us to look after you for the moment. The will be send someone around to us in the next few days to have a chat with you. There are issues that need to be addressed, but nothing that need concern you. Also, you will have to see a doctor regarding your health and also gender issues. My doctor is Janice Ellis, she is a brick and sympathetic to your problems. She might, indeed probably will refer you on to someone with experience of the type of issues you have, but once again, you need not worry as we will be with you all the way. What do you think?’

‘You have both been very nice,’ I said in a choked voice. I was apt to cry at anything recently.

‘Never mind all that, we love to help. Now off you go and find Alicia and then come back in here. We need to get you some of your own clothes.’

‘Does that mean shopping?’ I said, for some reason feeling excited at the thought.

‘Yes, you can’t wear other girls’ clothes; you need some of your own, so off you go and get Alicia. If I know her, she will not be averse to a shopping trip!

I got up and on an impulse, ran over to Auntie Dulcie and Uncle Harry and gave them both a big hug. Before they could say anything though, I was out of there like a scared rabbit, hoping that I had not gone over some sort of boundary, by showing so much familiarity. They didn’t seem at all stuck up. They were nice people!

Alicia was up in her room painting her nails a vivid pink colour. I rather liked the colour but had no time to ask her to repaint my nails because as soon as I said the magic word ‘shopping’. She was jumping about like a cat on a hot tin roof, getting herself ready and then making sure that I was appropriately dressed for the occasion.

Before my feminine metamamorphwhatsit, it had been a sort of mysterious to me how anyone could get excited about going shopping. When I was younger and my mum had dragged around the shops, all I could remember was how boring the whole experience was. Now, I felt different. I was excited at the prospect of owning my own clothes and not just pinching them as and when required. Then I had a thought.

‘Alicia.’

‘What?’ She asked as she pulled on her shoes.

‘How am I going to pay for the clothes; I have no money?’

‘Don’t worry about that, Auntie and Uncle are loaded.’

‘I don’t want charity,’

‘But you were willing to pinch things.’

I sat on her bed and the water works started again. She immediately came over and gave me a hug.

‘Sorry Luce, that was a tad insensitive,’

‘Maybe,’ I sniffed, ‘but it’s true. Before, I didn’t even think that it was particularly wrong to steal. My Dad did it and it seemed like fun and maybe a bit dangerous, but now, I see it for what it is. Stealing taking things from others, pure and simple.’

‘Here, dry your eyes with this tissue before your mascara runs.’

‘Your Auntie doesn’t approve of too much makeup.’

‘What does she know; she’s ancient.’

We both looked at each other and giggled. She did cheer me up!

Soon we were downstairs waiting with Auntie for the chauffeur to bring the Rolls to the front of the house, mansion or whatever.

I was wearing a loose fitting, below the knee lemon dress and a cardigan as it was not cold enough for a coat. Alicia was wearing a similar dress, but in sky blue.

‘Easy to get in and out of when you have heaps to try on,’ said the practical and experienced one.

I had my hair in a plait, a bit short, but nice as it kept my hair out of my eyes and tickled the back of my neck as the bottom was tied off with a yellow ribbon.

Auntie only raised one eyebrow at the sight of us, so I assumed that we passed inspection.

Tadminster was the largest town in the county and it took us about forty-five minutes to get there. By a quirk of fate, we passed The School and I sort of slinked or is that slunk down in my seat as we went by. Alicia giggled for some reason as I sat back up again once we had passed my scene of crime. Auntie was reading the Times and didn’t notice, I was please to say.

Anyway, we soon arrived in Tadminster and we were dropped off outside a rather plush department store called Hillier and Hillier. I had heard of H&H, of course. It was an up market shop built on the lines of Harrods, but more exclusive. People came from hundreds of miles away to window shop, the prices being in the main, mind boggling.

We swept in through the large imposing doors– well Auntie Dulcie swept and I did my by now famous slink thing, trying not to be noticed, while Alicia, once again had a fit of the giggles at the sight of me. I nearly sloshed her one with my hand bag. Yes, I know, I’m too young for a hand bag, but in my defence, it was more of a shoulder bag and it held sweets, a spare pair of knickers, a hankie and other essentials like the makeup emergency repair kit. Boys have pockets, girls have hand and or shoulder bags– sometimes I thought that boys have it easy.

I nearly stopped in my tracks at that thought. I was thinking more and more like a girl and if my boy side was dead and gone. Did I want that, did I want to forget what I was?

Could this all be a ghastly mistake and...

‘Lucinda, do keep up.’

I was pulled out of my reverie by Auntie’s rather severe tone and I smiled. I did know who I was– Lucinda; and I wanted it to stay that way. I wouldn’t forget my past; it was part of me, but I knew in my bones that I was a girl–a sometimes scared and confused girl but nevertheless a real one in my eyes. Others might not think so, but I would deal with that when I needed to.

Alicia had already dived headlong into some racks of clothes and I dived in after her. Auntie had seen someone she knew in a mink coat and let us loose on the poor unsuspecting sales staff. I was given an armful of dresses by a gushing and over the top Alicia to try on and was led to a cubicle like a lamb to the slaughter. Alright, a bit of poetic licence there as I was a very willing lamb.

The youngish woman with ‘Sharon’ on her gold name tag was put in charge of ‘my wardrobe’ and she looked on with a slightly shell shocked expression as Alicia showed me how she shopped ‘her way’.

As I tried some of the dresses on in the rather restricted but thankfully individual cubical with a door on, I nearly fainted at the prices. I would have to wash a lot of dishes to pay for even one of the dresses.

Anyway, I put these thoughts aside as I tried on dress after dress, after dress.

They were all colours and fabrics, short medium and long, silk, satin, cotton and other materials that I had no idea what were called, but almost all felt wonderful on me, even though a few of them were far too old and sophisticated...there I go again, burbling away. Well that’s how I felt.

I had to go outside after putting on each dress and there were Auntie, Alicia and Sharon; to decide in some sort of loose committee system whether to give the yea or the nay regarding the dress I was wearing.

After a goodly pile, erm, piled up, I was handed skirts, blouses, jumpers, cardi’s, coats, shoes, boots, slippers and other things too numerous to mention and given the same appraisal by my betters.

Then there were the under garments, I’m too much of a young lady to mention my unmentionables, but the things we bought were in the main plain and functional but some were truly scrumptious.

Nearly three hours later, I was flagging but the others seemed as fresh as daisies as we went up to the top floor and visited H&H’s famous Tea Rooms.

My new wardrobe was being bagged up, packed and sent home via one of the shop’s well known and recognised yellow and brown vans. By the time we got back, I was told, the clothes would be hanging in my wardrobes (I had two, wasn’t I lucky) on in my chest of drawers.

We sat and had tea and tiny sandwiches followed by dinky little cakes. Looking at Auntie Dulcie and Alicia, they seemed very fresh and ready for round two, given the chance, but I was tired too many late nights and shocks to my system, so after we had finished, we made our way downstairs past the grateful shop manager and other employees who had ‘helped’ and finally into the Rolls. No money appeared to have changed hands, but I assumed that money was a dirty word there and that some sort of mind bogglingly large account would be sent in due course.

As I sank into the soft leather seat, I sighed, this was one day I would never forget. The others were talking excitedly–Alicia hadn’t missed out on some clothes either, so she was happy. I shut my eyes; the smooth ride had made me even sleepier than I thought...

I awoke with a start as we pulled up outside the shack where I was now living.

Alright it wasn’t a shack, but it woke you up too!

Alicia nudged me in the ribs and Auntie looked on with an amused expression on her face as I was pushed out of the car before the Alfred, the chauffeur had a chance to fully open the door for us.

‘Oof,’ he said as the door caught his rather ample tummy.

‘Sorry,’ I said, even though it was Alicia doing the pushing.

We ran up the steps–two at a time. Somehow I had my energy back and I was ready, willing and able to try on all the clothes that had been bought. The large doors opened and there was the butler, in all his glory. Normally there was a slight smile on his face, but this time he looked a bit unhappy.

‘What’s wrong Mr Dawes,’ said Alicia brightly.

‘Erm, nothing Miss,’

Auntie Dulcie by this time had followed us up the steps.

‘Problem Dawes?’

‘The Duke is in the Library with some...people, Milady.’

He looked pointedly at me and then back at Auntie. What was going on here?

‘Girls, pop of upstairs and make sure that all the clothes have arrived. I will be up to see you in a moment.’

After looking at each other and shrugging, Alicia and I did as we were told and went upstairs to my room the strange remarks by the butler forgotten.

Everything had been unpacked and put away. Now that was what I called service!

Soon we had everything out and on the bed, chairs and everywhere else.

We had lots of fun trying on the clothes and it was amazing how different you can look, just by changing a dress style and colour!

I had just put on a cream mini dress and wondering if I would show too much in the knickers department when Mr Dawes knocked and entered. It was a good job that we were not, shall we say, showing anything that we shouldn’t. A few minutes earlier, and it would have been different!

‘Sorry, I did not realise...’

‘That’s all right Mr Dawes,’ said Alicia brightly.

‘Dawes, please Miss Alicia.’

‘Whatever. What up then?’

He turned to me.

‘Your presence is required in the Library Miss.’

‘What about me?’ asked Alicia?

‘You presence is expressly not desired, Miss Alicia– his Lordships exact words.’

‘Well, I like that. Luce is my friend and where she goes, I should go.’

‘Her Ladyship did say that if you were not cooperative, she would find some work for you to do. An example being that the pig sty was in need of spring cleaning.’

‘On second thoughts Lucinda, I think that I’ll go to my room and have a lie down. I feel a bit faint.’

I giggled at that and followed the stately butler out of the room, along the long corridor with portraits of long dead family members, down the marble staircase, along yet another portrait infested corridor to the library.

I wondered what all this was about. Was I in trouble again?

The butler knocked, opened the door for me and sort of evaporated from behind me; neat trick that.

The Duchess was sitting sipping tea and the Duke was pacing the room. They did not seem very happy.

Auntie looked up with a smile that seemed a bit forced.

‘Sit down Lucinda dear, we have to talk.’

I sat down, very conscious of the length or rather the brevity of my skirt. I cross my legs at the ankles and held my knees together and hoped that it would help.

Uncle went over to the huge fireplace and stood by it; seemed to take a deep breath and then turned to me.

‘Lucinda, a problem has arisen. When you told us about your life and the things that you have done, we felt that it was only fair that the authorities be told about the thefts including the pawn shop one. We thought that to do otherwise would be wrong and that at some stage, someone would put two and two together and come up with your name. We were going to tell you about this course of action before we went ahead with it. Your circumstances are such, that in our opinion and the opinion of our solicitor, you would not be prosecuted and would therefore be able to continue with your life with having your previous problems hanging over you.’

‘What’s happened?’ I asked suddenly feeling a bit sick.

Auntie spoke up.

‘Events rather took over, before we could discuss matters with you and then the authorities. Solomon Worth, the man you sold the goods too was caught yesterday trying to sell some of the things you gave him. To lesson his chances of a long sentence he named you as the one who stole the articles.’

‘Oh no.’

‘Goldstein the Pawnbroker was approached and he has insisted that charges be brought against you, even though you are a minor and have had terrible things happen to you.’

I looked down, my thoughts whirling with emotion. So I was going to be punished. I almost missed what Auntie said next.

‘...solicitor is on the case and he will be at the police station tomorrow morning. A couple of policemen have just left. Luckily we know one of them and he is satisfied that you will present yourself at the police station at 9.00am. We will, of course come with you and I am sure we can sort this mess out once and for all. Lucinda dear, look at me.’

I looked up, eyes stinging and tears coursing down my face and dripping onto my lovely new dress.

‘What I told you holds true now, more than ever. We are with you on this and we will ensure that no harm will come to you. Your circumstances are such that no hearing could possibly blame you for the things that you have done, even if it ever went to juvenile court–which is debateable. Our solicitor believes that you had strong mitigating circumstances that drove you to what you did.’

They both spoke some more and to be honest it all went in one ear and out of the other. I knew what would happen. I was under their roof but as a friend of Alicia’s, nothing else. They had been charitable and kind, but I knew when it came down to it, no amount of influence on their part would stop me be prosecuted and put in a young offenders institution or borstal.

‘I was,’ as my dad would say, ‘bang to rights or guilty as charged.’

After a while, I said that I had a headache and went up to my room. Only it wasn’t my room was it. I had no room or home of my own now. This was all temporary. Within a few days, I would be taken to some God forsaken place and locked away, just like my dad had been. How would I be treated? Would I be bullied, called a girl–let’s face it, I looked more like a girl than a boy– and suffer because I was a bit different from ‘normal’ boys?

I would have my hair cut short. I would be put in rough boys’ clothes and made to act like a boy.

But I wasn't a boy.

It was all too much.

I got up and went over to the window. Looking out, I saw the extensive lawns, woodland, lakes, ornamental gardens and beyond that the fields. To my left I saw a glint of light reflecting off something. The road, with cars passing the estate...

Cars...

Road...

I would leave–escape, if you like. I wouldn’t be taken away. I would not allow them to put me away....

I jumped; there was a cough behind me. Spinning around, there was Auntie just inside the doorway; I hadn’t heard her come in.

‘It wouldn’t work you know,’

‘What?’

‘Running away.’

‘How did you know?’

‘Because that would have been in my thought too in your circumstances. There is a time when you have to face up to things or you will be running away from something for the rest of your life. Do you really want that, to be looking over your shoulder, wondering if the next hand on your shoulder was someone you fear to see?’

I thought for a moment and turned back to look out of the window again. I saw a young deer– a doe, I think– run across the lawns on the far side of the lake and disappear into some woods. She was free, able to go where she liked, not troubled by anything more than where her next meal would come from. I wondered fleetingly if she was part of a herd, or like me, an outcast.

I shuddered, hating to be part of nothing. I missed my mum and my dad...

I felt arms go around my shoulders and I turned around and buried my head in Aunties chest and cried my eyes out.

She made soothing noises and stroked my longish hair. After a minute or two, I drew away and looked up at the kind, concerned eyes.

‘Auntie?’

‘Yes Dear?’

‘I’m tired of running,’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do try, in fact my friends say that I'm very trying!

Previously…

After a while, I said that I had a headache and went up to my room. Only it wasn’t my room was it. I had no room or home of my own now. This was all temporary. Within a few days, I would be taken to some God forsaken place and locked away, just like my dad had been. How would I be treated? Would I be bullied, called a girl–let’s face it, I looked more like a girl than a boy– and suffer because I was a bit different from ‘normal’ boys?

I would have my hair cut short. I would be put in rough boys’ clothes and made to act like a boy.

But I wasn't a boy.

It was all too much.

I got up and went over to the window. Looking out, I saw the extensive lawns, woodland, lakes, ornamental gardens and beyond that the fields. To my left I saw a glint of light reflecting off something. The road, with cars passing the estate...

Cars...

Road...

I would leave–escape, if you like. I wouldn’t be taken away. I would not allow them to put me away....

I jumped; there was a cough behind me. Spinning around, there was Auntie just inside the doorway; I hadn’t heard her come in.

‘It wouldn’t work you know,’

‘What?’

‘Running away.’

‘How did you know?’

‘Because that would have been in my thought too in your circumstances. There is a time when you have to face up to things or you will be running away from something for the rest of your life. Do you really want that, to be looking over your shoulder, wondering if the next hand on your shoulder was someone you fear to see?’

I thought for a moment and turned back to look out of the window again. I saw a young deer– a doe, I think– run across the lawns on the far side of the lake and disappear into some woods. She was free, able to go where she liked, not troubled by anything more than where her next meal would come from. I wondered fleetingly if she was part of a herd, or like me, an outcast.

I shuddered, hating to be part of nothing. I missed my mum and my dad...

I felt arms go around my shoulders and I turned around and buried my head in Aunties chest and cried my eyes out.
She made soothing noises and stroked my longish hair. After a minute or two, I drew away and looked up at the kind, concerned eyes.

‘Auntie?’

‘Yes Dear?’

‘I’m tired of running,’

And now the story continues…

I awoke the next morning at 6.00 am according to my new watch. It was a lovely watch with a gold bracelet and jewels on the delicate looking small pearl covered face.

For a moment, a brief, nice and relaxing moment, I had forgotten all my problems and now everything came back with a rush.

I was to go to the police station with Auntie Dulcie and Uncle Harry at nine o’clock. The previous night I had been upset and I could not get out of my head that I would be taken away and put in a kid’s prison — known as a borstal. I would not be treated as a girl but a boy. I would wear rough clothes and be with rough boys. I wasn’t like that. I had never really been like that. I was always quiet, sweet natured and hated the rough and tumble of being a ‘normal’ boy.

At school I had been bullied. Boys are quick on the uptake and can spot someone who was different, quite easily. I was Different with a capital D, I knew that. I was intelligent, but hid my light under a bushel. It was almost a crime to be clever at our school. It wasn’t like St Helens where the girls seemed to be treated very well and were rewarded for being good by the teachers and even respected by the girls and not made to feel bad about whatever talents that a girl had.

Even the head mistress with the improbable sounding name of Amelia Molstrangler was head and shoulders above the sadistic old creep that I had as a head master at my old school.

I reluctantly got out of my warm bed and padded over to the window in my lovely silky nightie. It would be back to rough boys’ prison type pyjamas for me soon and no more soft lovely fabrics.

Looking out of the window onto the immaculate lawns with the lake behind and then the grounds beyond, I sighed.

All right, I was a tea leaf (thief) and I admit it. I had been drawn by necessity to commit the crimes and now I was going to pay for it. It had seemed so exciting and glamorous — just me against the world, but I now knew how shabby a thing it is to do something that deprives others. I didn’t deserve all this– the lovely mansion and nice people to look after me. I was a bad as my dear old dad. He thought that he should have everything on a plate and not work for it and look what happened to him–he spent large chunks of his life in prison and I didn’t see him for months on end.

A tear started out of my eye. It was not going to be a nice day today and I would just have to take what was coming to me.

Then I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. I may be a girl, but I wasn’t a wimpy girl. I would face the world and get through it.

I just nodded at my reflection in the window and turned away. I had to get dressed and downstairs to breakfast — today was going to be a busy day.

I went downstairs to breakfast. As I opened the door to a deep breath (I was doing a lot of that!), I put a smile on my face and walked in. The others were already there and all looked up as I walked in.

I sat down opposite Alicia who was looking at me with a puzzled expression. Well if she expected me to be all of a wilting violet about today, she had another think coming.

‘You look nice today dear,’ said Auntie.

‘Thank you,’ I replied with a small voice as I put a white napkin on my lap and then stabbed a sausage from a silver platter.

I did look nice though. I went for the angelic; butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth look. If I was going down, I would go down with flying colours!

I was wearing a crisp cotton, peach A-line dress with cap sleeves. It went to just below my knees and was one of my new purchases. It cost a fortune, but I had been told to not worry about the price. I thought that it made me look sweet and innocent, especially as I had managed to put my hair into a high pony with some matching ribbon. I didn’t bother with makeup as I wanted to appear as young as possible. It might or might not help with the authorities, only time would tell!

It was quiet, sombre meal. Nothing much was said, but Uncle Harry did mention that he had spoken to some people and had hopes that everything would be all right. I wished that I had his confidence.

All too soon, Uncle, Auntie, Alicia (who had made a fuss when it was even contemplated that she couldn’t go) and I were in the Rolls heading towards the police station. Alicia tried to cheer me up by saying that she thought that prison food was quite nice now, but it went down like a lead balloon and even she said little more as we went to meet my destiny.

The police station was not a large one, but had the familiar blue lamp outside. To be honest, without the signs etc, it would have looked much like an ordinary house. Not like in my home town just forty minutes away, where the one there was huge and had gates, bars and other things to make sure you knew that bad things and bad people were being dealt with there on a regular basis.

In seconds we were inside and I was shown into an interview room. Alicia had to stay outside and Auntie stayed with her, after giving me a big hug and a few words of encouragement.

A few seconds later a man in a pin-striped suit came in.

‘Ah Donald, thanks for coming,’ said Uncle getting up and shaking his hand.

‘Lucinda, this is your solicitor, Donald Smyth-Hill.’

‘Hello Lucinda, no don’t get up, let’s get cracking. Inspector Jones will be interviewing you shortly but we have a few moments to chat. It’s lucky that we all belong to the same lodge.’

‘Lodge?’ I asked.

‘Never mind, just let me say that we know each other and he is a decent sort of chap. Some policeman are not so, shall we say, accommodating? Anyway, enough of that, tell me all that has happened and don’t leave anything out. I can’t help you if you lie or miss things out.’

I took (another) deep breath and told him all about what had happened to me. This was the third time I had done this and I was beginning to get a bit fed up with telling and retelling my story, but I knew that I had to do it.

I had only just finished when the door opened and a policeman walked in. He was in plain clothes, but from where I came from, you could spot a copper from miles away. Just after a young police woman came in, she had a pen and writing pad inner hand. She sat in a corner and said nothing but just kept writing furiously. I noticed her red nail varnish and thought that her hands looked really pretty with that colour...

‘Right, we need to have a talk young erm... Brian?’

I nearly giggled at that. I think that he expected see some boy in fancy dress or something instead of a young seemingly well bred gel in a designer dress.

‘Lucinda,’ I said quietly.

‘Right...yes, erm Lucinda. Look, let’s find out what can be done here.’

The others sat down next to me with the inspector opposite with a packet of cigarettes and a lighter on the table in front of him. He offered everyone except me and the police woman a cigarette; there were no takers so he just lit one for himself, drawing in the smoke deeply and then looking up as he exhaled the blue grey smoke.

‘Right Br...Lucinda, tell me everything...’

I nearly groaned, here we go again...

Twenty minutes and glass of water later, I had finished telling him my life story, warts and all.

‘So, you are saying that you knicked all this stuff because of your mother.’

‘Yes and the fact that I didn’t want my mum taken away and definitely didn’t want to be put into any sort of care.’

‘How do you feel about Mr Goldstein?’

‘I’m sorry I ever stole anything from him and the other things I did. I was desperate; I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to make my mum happy...’

I started to cry then and Auntie was called in. After a few minutes when all the men left, leaving Auntie and I alone apart from the police woman who was doing quite a good impression of a wall flower; I somehow recovered myself. A few minutes later the police woman was called out and shortly after two cups of tea and some digestives were brought in by her.

The woman in blue actually smiled at me as she handed me the tea and she seemed to be a nice person. We were left alone again as the police woman took the tray out, closing the door after her.

Auntie asked me how things were going.

‘I don’t know. He seems nice, for a policeman, but my dad never trusted policemen and the local police never liked my family for some reason.’

‘Well you father did have a bit of a record.’

‘I know and I will now too.’

‘We’ll see. Don’t keep looking on the dark side of things.’

‘I can’t help it. My whole life seems to have been jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.’

‘Look...’

Auntie Dulcie was interrupted by the door opening.

The Inspector Jones, Uncle Harry and Donald Thingie-Whatsit came in and they all sat down and joined us with a scraping of chairs on linoleum.

‘Right Lucinda,’ said the inspector. ‘I have spoken with Mr Goldstein about this and fully explained the facts. He knows about you and how you got yourself into this mess. He wants three things. One he wants paying for the things you took. He wants an apology from you and a promise on the bible that you will never do a thing like this again and thirdly, his garden is a mess and he wants you to spend the next two weekends clearing it up. If you agree to this he will drop the charges. Do you agree to these conditions?’

‘I haven’t any money...’

‘We’ll sort that side out and come to some sort of arrangement,’ said Auntie.

I looked at her kind face and felt like crying again. I did wish that I wasn’t such a cry baby sometimes.

I turned back to the inspector nodded and said, ‘yes,’ in a small voice.

‘In addition to this, we have ascertained that the school will not bring any charges against you. I think that your foster parents will fill you in on other aspects regarding the school later. As far as we are concerned, consider yourself lucky that you have a lot of support. I have seen too many youngsters turn out like your father. It never got him anywhere and you and your mother suffered from the consequences of the actions he took. I never want to see you here again, if I do, I will make sure that you will be prosecuted. Do you understand?’

‘Yes sir.’

After that, with a scraping of chairs everyone got up and soon we were outside again. I was feeling a bit numb. I was not going to be put away. I wasn’t going to have to be a boy again. I had my freedom and it was thanks to everyone around me. Impulsively, as we walked out into the bright sunshine I hugged my foster parents and Donald Double-Barrelled.

Alicia ran up with two ice cream cones.

‘Here you are Lucinda, I knew that it would be all right. I didn’t fancy visiting my best friend in prison and trying to smuggle a file in a cake.’

‘Alicia, don’t be over dramatic.’

‘Yes Auntie, I mean no Auntie.’

I looked at them both and just laughed out loud.

After eating the ice cream and thanking my solicitor profusely, we made our way back to the mansion. As we slid along the country lanes with just a whispering sound from the tires and engine, I wondered what was going to happen now. I knew that I had to go and see Mr Goldstein on Saturday and that I would have to apologise and work in his garden, but that was a small price to pay for what I had done to him. I was to have pocket money from Auntie and Uncle, the same as Alicia, but half would be taken away to pay for the things that I had taken. Once again, it wasn’t a problem. Things seemed to be working out okay at the moment, but the future, I had no idea.

We arrived back to the place that was now my home, however temporary and I made my way upstairs and changed out of my dress and into another one —a pink mini with white flowers. After taking my hair out of the pony tail, I spent a bit of time brushing it. It was getting longer all the time and I hoped that I would be able to go to a salon soon. Evidently, I had spilt ends and that sounded painful.

I still couldn’t believe that i was free. I had been convinced that I would be locked away somewhere and I wasn’t. I was back in my room and I had something positive to look forward to–well i hoped I did, anyway!

I powdered my nose and then I tried to put on some lipstick and it took three goes for me to get it right. My hands were still a bit shaky for some reason. Eventually I was happy with my appearance so I went downstairs again.

Alicia was in the hall with a phone receiver in her hand. I looked at her inquisitively and she mouthed ‘Daddy,’

I left her to it, hoping that things were going to work out for her too and went into the big sitting room. Auntie was there reading some sort of glossy magazine in a deep armchair by the huge French doors.

‘Hello Lucinda, drag up a chair. I wanted to have a chat with you when all was quiet.’

I pulled over and sat down beside her.

‘How are you feeling dear?’

‘A bit drained. I really thought that I would be taken away from here.’

‘You like it here?’

‘Yes, very much but...’ I felt my face go red.

‘What dear?’

‘I...I like being here with you, and...and...Uncle.’

She stared at me for a moment and her eyes suddenly looked bit moist.

‘Yes, well we love having you here and to be truthful it’s nice to have children about and you are a rather special child.’

‘I’m not.’

‘Well we think that you are, but enough of that. We need to talk about the future. Harry wanted to be here but he has had to go up to the city to do some business, so I have been delegated to sound you out on a few things.’

‘A few things?’

‘Yes, we want to do thing right thing by you. We need to get you to see a psychiatrist and find out what can be done for you. That is being seen to and something will be arranged next week. Also, I have spoken to the authorities and they are happy for us to look after you until something more permanent has been arranged.

‘I don’t want to be in a council home!’

‘No one is going to put you in a home if I have anything to do with it. In fact, we would like you to stay here permanently, if it can be arranged. Would you like that?’

‘Oh yes Mummy...I mean Auntie.’

There. I had said it. I had spoiled everything I had called her Mummy. She would think that I was stupid, idiotic, above myself and that I presumed too much. In my heart of hearts that was what I wanted — them as parents. They wouldn’t be a replacement for my own parents but something new and wonderful and now I had spoiled everything with my wild dreams of being part of a family again...

I was being hugged as I cried yet again. Where were all these tears coming from? When would they ever stop?

Eventually I did stop and pull myself together. Auntie’s wet lace hanky was clasped in my hand as I sniffed and awaited her response to my too far too familiar remark.

‘Lucinda, look at me.’

I looked up at her kind, caring face. I hadn’t been the only one with tears on her face. How could I have ever thought that she was in any way severe and haughty?

‘If you want to call me Mummy, you can, and if you want to call Harry Daddy, that’s fine too. We are not your biological parents, but there are thousands of people who have been fostered or adopted in similar circumstances to you and I am sure that a large percentage of them call their new carers mother, father or whatever. If all goes well and we get on all right we will, if we can, make it so that we adopt you. Would you like that?’

‘More than anything, but you hardly know me.’

‘That’s true, but sometimes first impressions are the true ones. As soon as we knew you we thought that you were nice sweet girl and nothing you have done in the past changes that opinion. But this brings us again to the future. Would you like to go back to St Helens as a pupil?’

I thought about that happy place, the girls, laughter, fun and games and the community of the school itself. It may not be the Chalet School, but it was the next best thing to me.

I nodded.

‘Would they accept me? They know about my past.’

I have spoken to Miss Molstrangler at length. She understands and is sympathetic.’

‘What about my erm, boy bits?’

‘She has another pupil there at the moment in a similar state to yourself and she feels that it won’t be a problem. She has intimated that she would need to see you first though. We have an appointment tomorrow morning.

‘Tomorrow?’

‘Yes.’

‘Morning?’

‘Yes.’

‘What will I wear?’ I asked in alarm.

‘Spoken like a true girl!’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do try, in fact my friends say that I'm very trying!

Previously…

‘...this brings us again to the future. Would you like to go back to St Helens as a pupil?’

I thought about that happy place, the girls, laughter, fun and games and the community of
the school itself. It may not be the Chalet School, but it was the next best thing to me.

I nodded.

‘Would they accept me? They know about my past.’

I have spoken to Miss Molestrangler at length. She understands and is sympathetic.’

‘What about my erm, boy bits?’

‘She has another pupil there at the moment in a similar state to yourself and she feels that it won’t be a problem. She has intimated that she would need to see you first though. We have an appointment tomorrow morning.

‘Tomorrow?’

‘Yes.’

‘Morning?’

‘Yes.’

‘What will I wear?’ I asked in alarm.

‘Spoken like a true girl!’

And now the story continues…

I awoke the next morning to a loud purring coming from a furry ball next to my face. I opened my eyes and smiled.

‘Morning Mandy.’ I said.

The kitten opened her eyes and the purr, if anything became louder as she got up, stretched, licked my nose and then disappeared in a flash. I wondered sleepily how she had managed to get into my bedroom, but had heard that some cats could appear to walk through walls, so I wasn’t too surprised at seeing her.

Then I suddenly remembered what was happening today and my cosy warm feeling left me in an instant. I was going to see The Mole!

It all came rushing back. Memories came flooding onto my mind and woke me more than a wet flannel on the face ever could. Yesterday I had been to the police station and I was a gnat’s whisker away from being put away in some horrid borstal, or so it seemed at the time. It was only the kindness of Mr Goldstein and the support of Mummy and Daddy...I smiled at that thought...that had helped me through the horrid time.

Now I was to be here more or less permanently and as long as I kept my nose clean (i.e. not pinch the silver and other less than law abiding stuff) I would be adopted and then I would be part of a loving family. Not that I would ever steal again. It was a mugs game and the only real loser would be me. I felt so guilty about it all now and I was determined to help Mr Goldstein as much as I could even if it meant getting yucky dirt under my finger nails. I would have to wear old type clothes if I was going to do things to his garden. I wonder if I could borrow some Marigold rubber gloves from cook?

I smiled again, thinking about what Mummy had said to me yesterday about being part of her family.

Family...

That made me think about my mum and dad and how I missed them. Alright, we weren’t perfect and Dad was no angel at the best of times, but we all loved each other and it was a shame that they were both now dead. I dearly hoped that they were looking down on me and smiling at my good fortune.

I looked at my pretty watch on the bedside table. It was 7.30; I would have to get a move on!

When I walked into the breakfast room forty minutes later, I was greeted by smiles all around. Alicia was wearing her St Helen’s uniform as she was to return to school today. Auntie...I mean Mummy (warm gooey feeling at the name) was attacking some dead kippers on her plate. Daddy was evidently in his office doing officey things. He had a directors meeting in the city and would go on to it after our dreaded meeting with Amelia Molestrangler at 9.30.

For my part, I was wearing a white silk blouse, grey knee length skirt and white ankle socks together with shiny black shoes with buckles. These were the closest thing I had to school type clothes and looked similar to the school uniform for girls at my old, hated school.

I did wonder, when we went on the clothes shopping spree the other day, why Mummy decided to buy me these clothes, but now I knew why. I had a feeling that it was all a bit planned. Maybe she had decided very quickly that she wanted me to go to St Helens if possible and would need some ‘suitable’ clothes for the inevitable interview. Old people can sometimes be a bit devious.

‘You look nice Lucinda.’

‘Thank you Aun...I mean Mummy.’

Alicia was just mid slurp with her milky porridge and nearly choked at my words.

‘Mummy! Wow, when did that happen?’ she asked as she wiped some stray milk off her lapel.

‘Do stop making a mess Alicia.’

‘Auntieeee, what do you expect? When a girl hears things like that mid gulp, accidents are bound to happen.’

‘Don’t be a drip, Alicia.’

‘But Auntie,’

She sighed and then turned to me.

‘Well, what’s the gen?’

‘Gen?’

‘Yes gen. What happened? Why are you now daughter to the wicked witch. Did you put something in her drinking chocolate?’

‘Alicia, do you want your bottom smacked,’ said Mummy while I smirked behind a napkin, imagining all sorts.

‘That’s cruelty that is. Will someone please tell me what is going on?’

‘It has been decided that Lucinda will be staying with us permanently, subject to the agreement of the authorities and the cutting of red tape. She will hopefully be adopted when it can be arranged.’

‘Blimey!’

‘Alicia, you know that I disapprove of the use of profanity.’

‘Yea, whatever,’

Mummy sighed and I just giggled. That set the others off and we were soon all laughing our heads off!

‘So,’ said Alicia once we had all calmed down, ‘that makes us sort of cousins.’

‘Mmm, I think so, when it all becomes official.’

‘Wow.’

‘Wow,’ I agreed.

I had been very quiet on the journey for obvious reasons, just listening to the others. Daddy had rejoined us after making a few phone calls and I was glad that he was with me, thinking that there would be safety in numbers. I could always hide behind him.

‘I hope that The Mole doesn’t play up rough,’ said Alicia, ‘she can be a bit of a brute sometimes,’

‘Only when you are naughty,’ said Daddy.

‘Naughty–me?’

‘Yes you.’

I squirmed a bit at the thought of my coming ordeal. Mind you I was a bit squirmy anyway as I was wearing what was known as a training bra with padding, borrowed from Alicia. I didn’t need a bra, but Alicia said that it was essential to ‘fit in’. I mentioned to her that I didn’t have any breasts to speak of, well not girlie type ones anyway, but Alicia dismissed my concerns.

‘Well I haven’t got much up top and neither have most of the other girls of our age, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t all try to look more developed.’

Mummy had frowned a bit when she saw what I was wearing.

‘You look a bit uncomfortable there Luc.’

‘The straps are biting in a bit.’ I said as I did a bit of a wriggle.

‘Mmm, we are going to have to go shopping again, I didn’t think about bras last time. Mind you, in my day girls only wore a bra when they needed to and then they were functional rather than pretty.’

‘That was in Queen Victoria’s time wasn’t it?’ asked Alicia a little too innocently.

Daddy laughed, I giggled and Mummy frowned.

‘So you don’t want to go shopping with us at the weekend then?’

‘Sorry Auntie,’ replied Alicia with a look bordering on panic.

We all laughed.

All too soon, Alfred, the cool efficient but nice chauffeur drove the Rolls Royce through the tall wrought iron gates and the car whispered up the long wide drive of St Helens School.

There were several girls milling about and over to the left, the playing fields were already in use as girls ran up and down a pitch with lethal weapons in the shape of hockey sticks in their hands.

As we walked to the main entrance, I was kind of reluctant to go in. The last time I was here, I pretended to be a school girl and had lived up in the attic rooms, only coming down when it was safe to do so. I marvelled at the fact that I was never caught out. Well Matron did catch me, but I managed to get out of that one by the skin of my teeth.

My coming interview with The Mole made me feel almost physically sick. I might have felt a bit of a nana at other times because I was gripping Mummy’s hand rather tightly, girls my age just don’t do that normally–well I think they didn’t anyway–I lacked experience in that department.

I was reassured by her presence and that of my brand spanking new Daddy, who looked tall, strong, handsome and very self assured.

It seemed incredible to me that in a few short days I had been as low as anyone could be, all alone and no one to care for me and now I had a readymade family and I was, hopefully going to come to St Helen’s as a bona fide–if that’s the word–school girl.

‘See you later,’ called Alicia. She had classes to go to. She didn’t seem too concerned about my chances and just said ‘Break a leg,’ and gave me swift hug then rushed off in the general direction of the classroom end of the school.

We walked up the steps and then I was barged into...

I just about kept my balance.

‘Ooh, so sorry, I didn’t see you and I’m late for hock...oh hello Lucinda.’

I groaned inwardly. Of all the people I didn’t want to see, it just had to be busybody, nice-but-dim Tanya.

‘Gosh, I was looking for you yesterday. Where have you been?’

‘Erm, I have to go to see the headmistress with my erm, parents.’

It sounded lame, but at least it was the truth.

‘Gosh, not in trouble, are you?’

‘N...no, look I’ll see you later maybe.’

‘Okey-dokey–Lord, I’m going to be in hot water soon; Miss Cathcart can be beastly when you are late. See you later.’

With that, she rushed off to the playing fields. At least I didn’t have to give her some long drawn out account regarding what was happening.

‘Strange girl,’ said Daddy.

‘No stranger than Alicia,’ remarked Mummy.

‘True.’

‘I think her heart is in the right place,’ I said as we carried on in.

We were inside now. In a few minutes we were outside the office. Oh how I remembered my midnight travels that included this office and the headmistress’s one. It was dark then and the place was empty. It wasn’t now and as Mummy opened the door, I could see several ladies sitting at desks righting things or typing letters. One lady was on the phone and another one had just opened the squeaky drawer that I had opened on that fateful night. They still hadn’t oiled the drawer and it made an awful racket. The lady looked up as we went in and she just put a file in the drawer, screeched it closed and then walked over to us. Daddy took charge.

‘Hello Nora, Miss Molestrangler is expecting us.’

‘Of course, Your Grace. I won’t keep you a moment.’

She went to the back of the office and knocked on the The Moles door.

I heard a muffled ‘come in and Nora went in. A few moments later she ushered us into the presence of The Headmistress of St Helen’s–Miss Amelia Molestrangler (M.A Oxon).

She stood up as we walked in and after a few pleasantries between the adults we all drew up chairs as she sat behind her desk and riffled through a few papers. I remembered doing the exact same thing in that chair a few nights ago–talk about weird!

She was about forty to forty-five I would say and she looked quite pretty in a pink blouse with a thin double string of pearls around her neck. Her fine brown hair was shortish and in a bob. Altogether she looked cool and efficient. She terrified me. What would she say about me? I was determined not to cry...

I looked at Mummy and she smiled reassuringly. Daddy was sitting close to me and I felt his hand touch my arm. I looked at him and he winked!

‘Right, sorry about that; had to sort out some bumf. Now, Lucinda, what are we going to do with you?’

It was then that my mouth started talking without the benefit of any input from my brain.

‘Oh, I am so sorry I did it. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble and I will pay for any loss or damage. It’s just when I first saw the school. I thought that I could hide out for a few days and then I got hungry and I had to have some food and then I had to pretend to be one of the pupils and I had to borrow some clothes. It all got a bit much and I started to hate what I was doing and then I met Alicia and she made me see that it couldn’t go on and then...’

I cried. I just couldn’t go on. I had been determined not to cry. I wanted–no needed to be strong and not some weak, lily livered girl and now it had all gone wrong. I was a weak lily livered girl after all. Mummy was hugging me and a lot of fuss and bother ensued. It all ended with a glass of orange squash and a Royal Scot biscuit as the adults chatted about me as if I wasn’t there. I didn’t pay much attention to what was said, I was still too caught up in my misery. I didn’t realise at that time that I was still suffering from the after effects of all that had happened to me.

Eventually I calmed down and I started paying more attention to what the others were saying. Mummy was talking...

‘...of course she realises that she needs to change her ways. She is a good girl and I think that she has learnt that you cannot just keep taking things, no matter what circumstances arise.’

Miss Molestrangler nodded and then turned to me.

‘Feeling a bit better dear?’

‘Yes Miss.’ I sniffed.

‘Good. Now I think it might be a good idea if I talk with Lucinda on her own. Would you mind stepping outside for a few minutes? I am sure that Nora can rustle up some tea and biscuits for you.’

I felt a slight panic when Mummy and Daddy, after reassuring smiles went outside and closed the door quietly behind them leaving me to the tender mercies of The Mole.

She looked at me for a long moment, a slight quizzical smile playing on her lips. I couldn’t tell if she was pleased to see me or whether I was the equivalent to an unwanted wart on her nose.

I was wringing a rather damp lace hanky in my hand as I wondered what she was going to say.

I jumped slightly as she started to speak. I think that my nerves were completely shot at that point.

‘Well Lucinda, you have led us a merry dance haven’t you?’

‘Sorry, I...’

‘Never mind that; it’s in the past and I like a girl with a bit of backbone–although if you do anything like that again, I will not be so tolerant. Now, tell me why you feel that you have a place in this school?’

I looked down at my skirt and removed a loose thread as I considered her question.

‘I...I think that the girls here have a good time and the ones that I have met are nice and the teachers or erm you aren’t the same as the ones in my old school.’

‘Why do you say that?’

I looked up and could see her eyes boring into me.

‘W...well, at my old school, bullies were allowed to get away with what they liked and it was the bullied kids that always came of worst.’

‘And were you bullied?’

‘Yes. I tried to do my best in disruptive classes but as soon as I started showing some intelligence, I was jumped on by the thugs. Being small for my age didn’t help. I did not have the muscles to fight even if I wanted to–which I didn’t anyway. The teachers, especially the Head seemed to always side with the bullies. Kids like me had no chance.’

‘What is your favourite subject?’

‘English Lit. I love reading and getting inside the head of the author. I can forget my own troubles and pretend that I am someone else in another place.’

‘Do you still feel the same–I mean do you wish that you were now in another place?’

‘Not any more. I have a family and I am pretty sure that they love me, in spite of the things that I’ve done. I think it’s like coming out of a bad dream and finding that things are much nicer now.’

‘And what about Brian?’

‘Brian?’

‘Yes, is he there inside you still?’

‘Yes and no. I can’t forget my past, but it all seems almost like I was acting in a play. Brian was a character and this is the real me.’

‘So you feel, even after such a short time dressed as a girl that you are now in fact a girl?’

‘Sort of, I mean that it isn’t like I magically changed as soon as I pulled on some knickers. It’s like I have always felt different somehow and it was only when I started wearing the clothes that I realised that this is the real me. The jigsaw puzzle in my head was finished and I felt whole for the first time. I don’t know if that makes sense Miss.’

She nodded and then stood up. Going over to the window, she stared out at the girls play in the fields a couple of hundred yards away. The window was open and a girl passed by.

‘Dawn,’ called the Head.

The girl stopped and Miss Molestrangler said something to her and then ran off in the direction of the hockey fields. The Head turned back to me and then sat down behind her desk.

‘Well Lucinda, you look like as girl and sound like a girl, have the mannerisms of a girl–well some of them, you must keep your knees together dear and wiping your nose with your cardigan sleeve is not what we expect from girls at this school...’

‘So you mean, sorry to interrupt, that I can come here?’

‘Let’s call in your foster parents.’

Mummy and Daddy came in and we all sat down again. Mummy held my hand and Daddy looked more serious than normal.

‘Well, Lucinda and I have had a little chat and I am pleased to say that I think that she will fit in here without too many problems. She will have to do a few tests to establish her level of intelligence. I am hoping that she can be in the same classes as Alicia, she seems to have a positive influence on the girl.’

‘What about her, um, unique status?’ asked Daddy.

‘I assume that she will be seeing doctors?’

‘Yes, we are arranging appointments in the next few days.’

‘Good. Well as to her being physically a male, that might have caused problems last year, but we have individual changing rooms available and the toilets and bathrooms are no longer communal. Of course in our day it didn’t matter, but now I think that some parents are sending their children to some sort of glorified hotel... Well enough of that–I do sometimes get on my hobbyhorse. As far as you are concerned, Lucinda’s gender situation will be kept secret and only those whom I deem to be in the loop will be told, like her house mistress, the matron and my deputies. There is one other person I want to tell, with your permission. As you know, we have had a few unique children like Lucinda here at the school and in fact we have one girl at the moment. I think that it would of advantage to both children to know one another and at least have one confidante at the school. Do you agree?’

Mummy and Daddy looked at each other and did one of those raised eyebrow wiggling things that parent think that children don’t know about but we all do. One day I would crack the code...

‘We have no objection,’ said Mummy, ‘Luce, how do you feel about it?’

The thought of having someone else in the same boat as me and willing to share things with sounded rather nice. I know that I had Alicia and I loved her to bits, but she hadn’t gone through what I had and as such, I thought that it would be nice to share things with another ex-boy or whatever we are called.

‘That would be lovely.’ I said enthusiastically.

‘Good,’ said The Mole, standing up, ‘I have asked for her to come and see you. She should be outside by now. I won’t be a moment.’

She went over to the door and went out. She was gone for rather longer than a moment and I stared at the fire place remembering the cheerful fire that was lit the last time I came and then at the sofa where I had hidden behind when I was trapped in the room, that fateful night. I wondered if the girl was nice and I hoped that we could be friends. I also speculated about what she might have gone through before becoming a girl, well outwardly anyway as I believed strongly that the person inside was what mattered really.

The door opened and Miss Molestrangler came in followed by a girl in hockey kit.

‘Blimey!’ I said, my jaw dropping and landing on the floor with a thud.

‘Lucinda don’t swear,’ said Mummy and Daddy in perfect unison.

In came, with an ear to ear grin, nice-but-maybe-not-so- dim Tanya!

‘I just knew that there was something funny about you!’ she said laughing and coming over. She gave me a big hug and I wondered not for the first time what I had let myself in for.

‘We are going to have so much fun!’

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do try, in fact my friends say that I'm very trying!

Previously…

The door opened and Miss Molestrangler came in followed by a girl in hockey kit.

‘Blimey!’ I said, my jaw dropping and landing on the floor with a thud.

‘Lucinda don’t swear,’ said Mummy and Daddy in perfect unison.

In came, with an ear to ear grin, nice-but-maybe-not-so- dim Tanya!

‘I just knew that there was something funny about you!’ she said laughing and coming over. She gave me a big hug and I wondered not for the first time what I had let myself in for.

‘We are going to have so much fun!’

And now the story continues…

It was Monday morning and Mummy and I were in her Mini. I never knew that she had a Mini. I liked Mini’s they were brill! I also didn’t know until that morning that Mummy and Daddy owned loads of cars of all shapes sizes and ages. But enough of that for now; we were in town again going past places that I had known for most of my life including my old school, quiet at the moment as it was quite early. I felt physically sick as we passed the wrought iron gates and the old Victorian building where I had spent too much time being tormented and prosecuted.

I shut my eyes and shook my head at such thoughts.

‘Are you all right dear?’

‘Yes Mummy; that was my old school we just passed.’

‘Mmm, I believe that I might have to have a few words with some people I know. In fact I believe one of the governors belongs to my bridge club. It’s scandalous how you were treated. Anyway never mind that; you are going to start your new school tomorrow–are you excited?’

‘Yes and no,’

‘I know what you mean. But you have Alicia there and of course Tanya.’

Tanya...

I remembered on Friday when I went for the school interview with Miss Molestrangler and Tanya came in dressed in hockey kit, a wide grin on her face.

The head and my parents agreed that I could go for a walk in the grounds with Tanya while they sorted out some paperwork.

Tanya hadn’t said much as we went out, her arm in mine. We passed a few other girls and everyone said hello or maybe nodded a greeting.

I did try to say something but she just answered, ‘in a minute,’ with a smile and secretive look on her pretty face.

Soon we were outside. It was a bit chilly, what with it being autumn now and winter just around the corner. Wearing skirts and dresses can be a bit drafty sometimes but I wouldn’t change what I was wearing for boys’ long trousers for all the tea in China!

To one side of the main school building were some ornamental gardens, with lots of paths and seats dotted about. With an assurance of someone who knew her way around, Tanya led me to a secluded corner and after looking around and seeing that we were alone, she sat me down and then turned towards me.

‘Well you could have knocked me down with a feather when Moley sent for me. I thought that I was in trouble as I had thumped a hockey ball so hard, it hit one of the greenhouse windows. Good shot really, it’s all in the flick of the wrist...anyway enough of that. Is it true what I was told?’

‘What were you told?’ I asked, not knowing how much she actually knew about my situation.

‘That you weren’t really a pupil and that you snuck in and pretended to be a school girl and that you lost your mother and that underneath, you still have boy bits and you are really a girl?’

‘Erm.’

‘Look you can tell me; I can keep a secret. I have a pretty big one myself, after all. I knew when I first saw you that there was something not quite right about you but I thought that you were a sweet girl and I wanted to be your friend. I had no idea that you were like me, with boy bits but desperate to be a girl.’

I looked at her and could see that she meant what she said. Well if we were going to be fellow ex-boys or whatever, I had to tell her about me.

And so I did. It was nice to unload what I had been through to her. All right, others had heard my story, but this was a girl who had gone through similar things to me–not the stealing or losing parents bit, but she had once had to live as a boy when she should be a girl, so we had this strong link in common and importantly, I hoped that she would understand how I felt about myself.

It took a while to tell her about my life; not daring to look at her face in case she didn’t like what she was hearing. I told her about my father and what he did for a living–a thief and the fact that the only time he ever went straight, was when he got himself killed. Then I related the problems I had with my mum and the fact that she went to pieces after Dad died. Recalling her overuse of tranquilizers given to deaden the pain and then the drink because the drugs weren’t enough. I told her about how I managed to keep us afloat by stealing just like my dad and then the final robbery at Goldsteins on the night that I last saw my mum alive.

Telling Tanya how I found Mum in the morning, dead and covered in her own filth almost made me break down and I felt a soft warm hand go in mine as I continued with my story. When I found those clothes on that line after leaving home with no real sense of direction felt almost like a dream to me–it all seemed so unreal, but trying to explain my feelings to Tanya, I felt the I couldn’t express my words in a way that matched the feelings that I had at the time. It was a feeling that I felt “right”. It wasn’t only the clothes; it was just that the outward “me” now seemed to match the me inside. I had now realised was what I had been all the time–a girl.

Then I smiled as I recalled finding the school and how I hid away in the attic room, only coming down when it was safe to do so to get “supplies”. I heard a few gasps from Tanya as I recounted my adventures in the dead of night, being caught by matron and how I found Alicia in the sanatorium.

Finally, I told her about my new parents and how things were now going right for me at long last. At the end I just sat there. I had been surprised that Tanya had not interrupted or said anything while I told my story. Maybe she was shocked or too horrified to speak. True she still held my hand. Maybe she just felt pity for me...

‘Luc, look at me.’

Through damp eyes, hesitantly, I looked up.

She had been crying and her eyes were red.

‘We’re a right pair, aren’t we? Well at least as girls, we are allowed to cry sometimes. You’ve been through a lot haven’t you? Well we are now going to make things right. You don’t know what it means to me to have another girl like me as a friend. The others are nice, except for Muriel who nobody likes because she never washes and tells tales to the teachers. I would never have dreamed that you weren’t born a girl, you are a natch.’

‘What about you; how did you come out as a girl?’

‘Me, I was a girl ever since I realised that boys were different to us. I couldn’t understand why some children wore dresses and others trousers–until I was told why. I kept telling my parents that I was happier in dresses, but you know what parents are like. They never listen and think that they are right all the time. ‘Boys do not dress like girls, Giles,’ they said –that was my name then, Giles; I always hated it and in my head I was Tanya.

‘ In the end I would only answer to Tanya and I refused to wear trousers or get my hair cut. Then Daddy got all strong and manly with me and took me into the woods for a camping and hiking trip. I hated every minute of it as he tried to get me to toughen up and be strong. In the end he realised that he was flogging a dead horse and when we came home, he and Mummy put their heads together and then I was hauled up in front of a head doctor. He was about a hundred and fifty and almost deaf. When he eventually realised what all this was about, he said that I was ill and he knew a clinic that might be able to get rid of my feminine tendencies and make me grow like a normal boy.

‘Gosh.’ I said, ‘and I thought that I had it bad.’

‘Well, maybe, anyway, when I got home I had a strop and told my parents that no way was I going to allow them to open up my head and play about with my brain. I was sent up to my room and the door was locked on me. Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me and thought that they were doing what they considered to be the best for me. Anyway, I got fed up with shouting at a locked door so I did something about it. I climbed out of the window and went along the edge to the bathroom next door.

‘The window was open because someone had had a bath and it gets a bit steamy in there sometimes. I nearly fell off the ledge but managed somehow to scramble in. I was lucky that no one was in there at the time–anyway; I sat on the loo and had a think. I was so unhappy by then that I didn’t know if there was a way out for me. No one would listen and I was disgusted with the way I looked. I just wanted to be a girl and be pretty and do what girls do. Instead I was being forced into being someone I wasn’t. The bathroom cabinet had some of Mummy’s sleeping pills in there. I had seen her take them out often enough. I had the idea that I couldn’t live as Giles and they wouldn’t have me as Tanya, so there wasn’t much point in carrying on.

‘I wanted to end all the pain and suffering. I was very young, but old enough to realise what death meant. I would go to sleep ...and not wake up and then I wouldn’t suffer any more...’

‘You didn’t...’

‘...I did. I took several of the pills and then after a bit I felt very sleepy and then didn’t remember anything else until I woke up in hospital with a sore throat, headache and feeling very sick. My first thoughts were that I had failed. I was still in pain and I had nobody that would help me. I burst into tears and the next thing I realised was that Mummy and Daddy were there cuddling and hugging me.

‘A doctor came in then and they had to go out, but not before telling me that I wasn’t in trouble and that they would help me all they can. The doctor sat by me and then asked me lots of questions. I told him about why I did what I did and why. He kept asking me about what I liked. What sort of clothes that I would wear and things like that. Then he asked about what hobbies I liked and if I had many friends and if they were boys or girls. He then got out this writing pad and did a thing called word association. He asked me to say the first word that came into my head in answer to his word. He did it for ages and then because my throat was so sore from the tube they put down me before, we stopped.’

Tanya looked into the distance for a moment and then looked at me.

‘After that, things got better. My parents were told that although I had a boy’s body, I had the personality, temperament and nature of a girl. I was asked what I wanted to be, which was nice as no one had ever asked my opinion before. I, of course said that I was a girl so there was no question that I wanted to be one and not be a boy. It took ages for things to get sorted out but at first I was allowed to dress and be a girl at home but not outside. I was home tutored then so at least I didn’t have to deal with a nasty school like you had to. Eventually, my parents found this place and it’s great. Now you are here and that’s brilliant. It’s great to have someone like me here. We can look out for each other and at least we have each other to share secrets with.’

She beamed at me and the next thing we knew we hugging each other. I was sure that there was a lot more to her story and |I would try to find out more at another time, but for now, I was relieved to find someone like Tanya to be friends with and share things that I couldn’t do with other girls.

‘Tanya,’ I said after a minute,

‘Yes?’

‘Don’t get me wrong, but when I saw you before you seemed to be a bit, erm...’

‘Thick?’ she laughed.

‘Well I wasn’t going to put it like that.’

‘No, it’s all right. I find that it’s quite funny to appear stupid, when you’re not. I have a hoot of a time with the teachers and some of the brainier kids. Anyway, I didn’t want to stand out as some sort of brain machine. The less I stand out, the better. I am written off as nice, but dim and harmless.’

‘You shouldn’t have to do that. At my last school, I had to act like that or I would be bullied.’

She looked at me with a strange smile on her face.

‘Well, maybe now that you are coming here, I might stop the act. We’ll see.’

My thoughts came back to the present as we passed Market Square, where I had lived in grotty rooms above a shop with my mum before she died and then further on at all the places that I had known so well. I recognised a few faces, but they wouldn’t recognise me now, as a girl–well I hoped they wouldn’t anyway.

We were getting near our destination and I started to feel a bit nervous, wondering what my reception would be like.

‘Worried dear?’

‘A bit, Mummy,’

‘He won’t bite, you know.’

‘I hope not,’ I replied doubtfully.

All too soon we had arrived and I got out of the car and walked with Mummy to the shop and at her insistence, I opened the door and walked in. There was a bell over the door which jingled or was that jangled as we went in. Behind the counter stood Mr Goldstein; he looked up at us as we approached the counter.

‘Can I help you?’ he asked.

‘I’m Lucinda,’

‘Sorry, do I know you.’

‘I stole some things from your shop.’

‘I thought that you were a boy called Brian?’

Hadn’t anyone told him?

‘Erm no, it was me.’

He looked confused and Mummy spoke up.

‘Lucinda is here as you requested to do some work on your garden.’

He shrugged and said, ‘I must be getting old or deaf; I am sure that it was a boy called, I think, Brian. Never mind, you are here to work so you shall. Come out to the garden in the back and I will see show you what has to be done. I don’t approve of boys who steal, but girls, now that seems even worse. Come along...’

‘I will leave you Lucinda and will pick you up in three hours.’

‘Do you have to go Mummy?’

‘Yes dear. This is one thing that you have to do for yourself.’

She kissed me briefly and gave me a hug and then she was gone, leaving me to the tender or maybe not so tender mercies of Mr Goldstein.

The back garden was more like a back yard with a lot of rubbish, a concrete patio area and edges that were lined with what were once some flower borders, but now had been given over to weeds. It was a mess and I crinkled my nose. Cats had used this place as a toilet and I could smell things that no politely brought up girl should experience.

‘There you are then. You can get started on this. There are tools in the shed and some refuse sacks. I’ll leave you to it.’

With that he gave me a strange smile and then went back into the shop, shutting the door behind him.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing an old jumper and a skirt of Alicia’s that had seen better days. It was deemed to be a good idea that I should not wear nice clothes and I could now see the sense in that.

Sighing, I went over to the old wooden shed that had seen better days and wrenched the door open. It looked like this hadn’t been used much as there were cobwebs everywhere and the tools wee dusty and a bit rusty in places. After a few more sighs at the unfairness of it all followed by a wry smile reminding myself this was very fair under the circumstances I started taking some tools out and then when I had what I needed, I started the clear up.

I won’t bore you with the details as it was Boring with a capital B. I was soon tidying up, putting rubbish in backs, sweeping and then weeding. It was surprising how fast the time went as I worked like a beaver. The garden had a low wall and the occasional passer by looked in at me and a few even said hello, but I was concentrating on what I was doing as the sooner this mess was cleared up, the sooner I could go and have a bath, be disinfected and be able to put nice clean clothes on.

I suppose I was there for a few hours, when I realised that someone was looking at me over the wall. Looking up, I brushed some hair out of my eyes and then my heart sort of flipped. It was Percy Pointer, the truancy officer and he didn’t look happy.

‘It is you, Brian. What the hell are you dressed like that; another one of your tricks is it?’

I stood up and went over. At least I had the wall between him and me.

‘I’m Lucinda now.’

He looked very red in the face and he was breathing heavily. I could see the sweat on his forehead and his hands that gripped the top of the wall were white and seemed to be trembling slightly.

‘I heard a rumour. I couldn’t believe it. You have wormed your way out of trouble again. Listen, you will always be a boy. This is another way of getting out of your responsibilities. I got into trouble over you and nearly lost my job. I should have been more help, they said. I shouldn’t have tried to bully you. Me bully you? The council have no idea how hard it is to run down you truancy kids and you were one of the worst, always giving me cheek. They should have caned you more not less. Look at you, a boy in a dress. You disgust me. You must be sick to want to look like that. You may have pulled the wool over the eyes of everybody, but not me. I know you for what you are. It wouldn’t have happened in my day...’

He took a deep shuddering breath. I was so upset though, I didn’t pay much attention and then it happened, he gave a sort of a sigh and then with eyes closed he sunk out of view.

The back door to the shop opened and Mr. Goldstein came out.

‘What is going on?’

I shouted for him to dial 999 and ask for an ambulance and then without further thought, I somehow jumped up on the wall, somehow scraping my bare knee in the process and went over the other side.

I landed next to Percy Pointer who ominously was very still and his lips were turning a funny shade of blue...

When I was at my old school, there was a demonstration by The St John’s Ambulance Brigade about how to do CPR and mouth to mouth or the kiss of life. It was one of the few useful things that I ever learnt at that place. They used a dummy and several of the kids in our class had a go, including me. Most of the others thought that it would be a good laugh to mess about with the dummy, but I wanted to know how to do it. I had been worried about mum and the fact that she wasn’t very well. Her drug and alcohol addiction was getting bad and I thought that it might be a good idea to learn all I could–just in case. I wanted to help if something nasty happened to her. The fact that she died while I was asleep next door would make me feel a bit guilty forever. I cleared my mind of such thoughts as I looked down at Pointer.

Anyway, I saw immediately that he wasn’t breathing. I seemed to go into some sort of automatic response. I opened his mouth. He had dentures in and I took them out, I somehow stretched him out onto his back and then made sure that his tongue wasn’t obstructing his breathing, then, I must admit, with some distaste I started mouth to mouth and chest compressions. I tried to remember the ratios; I think that it was 15:2 but wasn’t sure. Anyway, I worked on him as well as I could and tried to find a pulse, but to be honest I couldn’t find anything and wasn’t that sure that I was looking in the right place. It all seemed to go on for ever and my arms really started to ache with the effort. I vaguely realised that Mr. Goldstein had come back and he said something about an ambulance was on its way. I was starting to get really tired by now and I didn’t know if I was doing any good. Other people had arrived, but were doing nothing helpful. It appeared that no one else knew what to do and so it was left to little me. I was waiting for someone to come through and say, ‘stand back, I’m a doctor,’ but that only happens in films. Eventually, after what seemed like hours but was only in fact minutes, I could hear the bell of the ambulance.

I was pulled away as the ambulance men took over and then after a few minutes, Percy Pointer was whipped away, all bells clanging in the ambulance. The crowd quickly dispersed and I was left with M. Goldstein who led me into his shop, sat me down and gave me a cup of strong tea. My hands were shaking so much that I had trouble holding my cup.

‘You did very well there, young lady,’ said Mr. Goldstein looking at me over gold half-moon glasses.

‘Is he dead?’ I asked.

‘The ambulance man said they could feel a pulse, so there’s hope for him.’

‘I never liked him; he wasn’t a nice man.’

‘You knew him then?’

‘Yes he was the truant officer.’

‘And you were out of school often?’

‘Yes, I hated the place and had to look after my mum. He was always after me and was never happier than when he pulled me back to school.’

‘Well, you did the best that you could today.’

I looked up from my cup and could feel my eyes fill with tears.

‘He said hateful things about me.’

‘Maybe he was just feeling unwell and didn’t know what he was saying.’

‘He knew all right.’ but I didn’t add anything.

I finished my tea and got up.

‘Thanks for the tea,’ I said as I moved towards the back door. I still had some things to do out in the back yard.

‘You have had enough for today. You don’t need to finish.’

I looked at him and just smiled.

‘Oh yes I do,’ I replied after a moment.

Another forty minutes and I had finished. My back ached and my knee was sore from the scrape that I had getting over the wall. It hadn’t bled, but it looked rough and raw and I would have a nice bruise in the morning.

Just as I finished, Mummy arrived and we went home. Mr. Goldstein was serving a customer and just said goodbye to me and thanked me for a doing a good job and saving that man.

After getting in the Mini, Mummy asked what he meant about ‘saving that man.’

‘Oh nothing much; what’s for tea Mummy?

She laughed.

‘You have hollow legs Lucinda. I’ll see what cook can rustle up when we get home.’

I smiled tiredly. Looking down at my dirty clothes, I just couldn’t wait to get a bath and some clean and very pretty things on. I also wanted to brush my teeth vigorously. Percy Pointers’ mouth wasn’t very nice and I want to wash that taste out of my mouth as soon as possible.

As I lay on my bed that night, still a bit battered and bruised, with my favorite dolly on one side of me and my favorite kitten purring in her sleep on the other, I reviewed the day that had just passed. I had no idea if Percy had survived. I hoped that he had because life is precious, even a life like his. Mr.Goldstein turned out to be quite a nice man and I would go and see him again and thank him for being so nice in the circumstances.

On another note, Alicia wasn't with us tonight as she was staying at school. I would be going to school the very next day and I was in her and Tanya’s dorm as well. I would come home at the weekend. Alicia had said that morning that her mother and father were patching things up and hoped to be home very soon so we didn’t know if she would be with us at the weekend or at her own home. I hoped that things worked out OK with her parents. It was so nice to have a happy family around you.

I smiled at the thought of the happy family that I was in now. After all that I had been through, I felt the luckiest girl alive!

To Be Continued...

---

Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue

Please disregard any inaccuracies regarding medical treatment mentioned in this chapter. I did do a course with the St Johns Ambulance Brigade when I was much younger and I remember some of the boys playing about with the dummy, so that bit is fairly accurate anyway. Also, as usual forgive my errors and spelling mistakes. I do my best, but none of us are perfect!

Previously…

As I lay on my bed that night, still a bit battered and bruised, with my favourite dolly on one side of me and my favourite kitten purring in her sleep on the other, I reviewed the day that had just passed. I had no idea if Percy had survived. I hoped that he had because life is precious, even a life like his. Mr.Goldstein turned out to be quite a nice man and I would go and see him again and thank him for being so nice in the circumstances.

On another note, Alicia wasn't with us tonight as she was staying at school. I would be going to school the very next day and I was in her and Tanya’s dorm as well. I would come home at the weekend. Alicia had said that morning that her mother and father were patching things up and hoped to be home very soon so we didn’t know if she would be with us at the weekend or at her own home. I hoped that things worked out OK with her parents. It was so nice to have a happy family around you.

I smiled at the thought of the happy family that I was in now. After all that I had been through, I felt the luckiest girl alive!

And now the story continues…

‘Lucinda, come and have some breakfast.’

‘Okay Mummy,’ I called.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a young girl in the uniform of St Helen’s School for Girls. There was absolutely no sign of Brian and for that I was grateful.

The uniform was a dark green pinafore dress with a white, soft collard, short sleeved blouse underneath. The dress went to just below the knee and to finish things off were a pair of white knee socks and black, highly polished buckled shoes.

Hardly the height of fashion but it beat my old boys’ uniform hands down!

I brushed my hair again rather nervously and wondered whether I would get away with it– not the hair, that was nice after Mummy treated me to a salon experience a few days ago; no what I meant was I wondered if I would be found out, exposed and things like that at my ‘new’ school. After all, I had been a sort of land based stow-away or whatever it was called at the school and had survived by stealing clothes and food.

Now I was going to be a real pupil there and to say was nervous, would be an understatement and I had had very little sleep the night before as I went over and over what might happen today.

After one final look and the fervent wish that makeup had been allowed at school (it wasn’t) as I wanted to disguise myself, I had to make do with a bare face and trust in luck that no one would recognise me as someone other than who I was presenting.

I picked up my green hat with red and green hat band, another non fashion item, my coat–you guessed it–green and my satchel and went down to breakfast.

In the hall were two cases–my cases; chock full of clothes and other things. I was going to board during the week, like Alicia and Tanya and come home for the weekends.

I left my satchel and hat in the hall with the cases and made my way into the breakfast room. Mummy and Daddy were there and my heart warmed as they smiled at me.

‘You look nice dear,’ said Mummy.

‘Mmm,’ said Daddy, nice colours,’

‘Ha ha Daddy–it’s not very cool, but I suppose I have to wear the stuff. Now give me a nice mini skirt and...’

‘Enough of that young Luc,’ said Mummy in a mock stern voice, ‘you look the very epitome of a well brought up gel.’

‘If you say so.’ I said, not really minding about the uniform and sitting down opposite them. I feel that it’s a girl’s job to wind up parents–don’t you?

‘How are you feeling dear?’ said Daddy.

‘Nervous,’

‘Why.’

‘Because I’m worried that someone might realise that I had been there before and make trouble for me. It would only take a word or two from someone in the office or the matron or the teachers that spoke to me, when I shouldn’t have been there...’

‘Look,’ interrupted Mummy, ‘you have no need to worry. The people that work there are the soul of discretion. They have to be; there are girls with issues at the school and privacy is one of the important rules.’

‘What about Alicia or Tanya? One stray word out of place and my life won’t be worth living.’

‘Tanya won’t say anything; she, above all, knows the meaning of secrecy when it matters and Alicia is as good as a sister to you and would hate to hurt you. Beneath that daft, exasperating, infuriating and troublesome exterior, there beats a heart of gold–but never let on that I said so. Let’s hope that her parents can at last get their act together and think before they do something sillyt. Alicia has been the main one affected by their shenanigans.’

‘Is that an Irish pop group?’ I asked innocently.

‘Who?’

‘Shenanigans.’

‘Idiot girl!’ said Mummy as Daddy nearly choked on his coffee.

As we drove to the school in the Rolls, I kept ringing my hands and my heart felt like it was jumping over hurdles.

‘Oh by the way Lucinda, I had a word with the hospital and that Pointer chap is going to be all right–or should be, despite appearances it was only a minor heart attack. Nevertheless you saved his life and should be proud of yourself.’

‘If you say so.’ I replied, remembering the hateful things that he said to me just prior to keeling over.

‘Yes, it appears that he will be taking early retirement due to the heart attack and the stress of the job.’

‘Good,’ I replied shortly, dismissing him from my mind as I continued to worry my way towards school. At this rate, I would have to retire from the school myself, due to stress and that was before I even got there!

Despite Mummy’s encouraging words, I was as nervous as a turkey at Christmas. After what seemed like seconds, we had arrived at the school. As before, the place was all hustle and bustle and it didn’t help that it was break time.

Alicia and Tanya must have been looking out for me and ran up as the car stopped in front of the imposing main entrance.

They grabbed my door and opened it and in moments, I was outside and both of them were talking at once and not making much sense.

‘You’re here!’

‘About time we’ve been waiting for ages.’

‘The Mole said that we were allowed to settle you in.’

‘So no lessons this morning!’

There was more of this and I was getting a bit embarrassed as a lot of the girls were looking at us and no doubt wondering why these two girls were hopping about and getting excited.

I heard the bell go and the place suddenly emptied.

As far as I was concerned, I was getting close to a blue funk as a few moments later, I recognised one of the teachers that had spoken to me when I had been there incognito as it were, was coming our way! I hadn’t a clue who she was, but she looked as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

Alicia looked over to where I was staring.

‘Oh Lord, its Stinky’

‘Stinky?’ I said in a strangled voice.

‘Mmm, she causes a stink whenever she sees any wrongdoing which, to be honest, is quite often when I’m around.’

She strode over, her brown brogues making crunching noises on the gravel.

‘What is all this about girls? The bell has just gone and I don’t see any movement from you lot, except Alicia and Tanya; you two were jumping about like overactive rabbits.’

‘Sorry Miss,’ said Tanya brightly, ‘we have permission from Miss Molestrangler to show the new girl around and settle her in.’

Her radar type eyes swivelled towards me and she frowned slightly.

‘And you are?’

‘Pardon?’

‘Your name girl?’

‘Oh, it’s Lucinda Miss.’

‘Lucinda, hmm, there’s something about you? Hmm I must have seen you around. Have you been here before?’

‘Erm yes Miss...’

‘She came the other day for an interview with The Mole...I mean Miss Molestrangler, Miss.’

‘Thank you Alicia and don’t let me hear you call the head by any other name than Miss Molestrangler, otherwise, I might think that you need a bit of detention. Do you understand?’

‘Yes Miss.’

Stinky–I would have to find out her real name–turned back to me.

‘Welcome to the school Lucinda. I hope that you will do well and be a credit to us. Now, you had better go to the office first and report in.’

‘Yes Miss,’ I said brightly and after a nod, the teacher went off in search of more prey.

I entered the school with my two minders. It was pandemonium as other children were rushing about in an attempt to get to their next class without being late.

Knocking on the office door, I went in. The others stayed outside as they didn’t want to run into The Mole, for some reason.

The secretary looked up from her typing and smiled. I think that her name was Dora or Nora–I couldn’t remember.

‘Lucinda? Good we were expecting you. The Head Mistress would like a word. Would you like to sit over there and I’ll let her know that you are here?’

I sat on the hard wooden chair and like a good girl, I brushed my skirt under me as I sat. It still felt a bit strange dressed like this after so many years having to dress as a boy, but I wouldn’t change it for anything!

I was miles away when the door opened and Miss Molestrangler came out.

‘Ah Lucinda, come in and let’s have a chat.’

I stood up and she motioned me into her inner sanctum and then following me, she closed the door and walked over to her desk and sat down. She motioned for me to sit in a chair opposite her.

‘You look very smart in your uniform.’

‘Thank you Miss.’

She opened a file in front of her and glanced at it.

‘Good...hmm; yes,’ she looked up and smiled, ‘right, as I think I mentioned before, you will be in the same dorm as your cousin and Tanya.’

I felt a warm glow; cousin, well I suppose I was in a way, well I would be when all the paperwork went through and I was officially adopted. Anyway, I already thought of Alicia as my sort of sister, but this would really make me family. I looked up as the headmistress continued.

‘Also you will have same form teacher and are in most of the classes that they are in. However, because you are a bit of a wiz at some subjects, I have decided to place you in a higher stream for maths and English. We tend to place pupils in the correct classes for their ability. Don’t worry though, I am sure that you can cope. If you have any problems about things, you can always talk to your form teacher–Miss Howe, your head of year, Mrs Golightly or myself. How are you feeling dear, nervous?’

‘Yes, very. I can’t forget the time I was here before and what I did.’

‘Well, that is water under the bridge. In have forgiven you and realise that although what you did was wrong, it was understandable. I won’t hold it against you. I heard about what you did to save Mr Pointer,’

‘That was nothing.’ I replied, not wanting to think or speak about it.

‘I would not describe saving someone life as ‘nothing’ Lucinda. It shows that you have gumption, foresight and an ability to deal with a crisis and those qualities I hold in high regard. I won’t embarrass you any more. I can see how it makes you uncomfortable. Let’s get down to practical matters. I have given you a list of those members of staff who are in the know about your condition, so you are aware of whom you can talk to about it. After leaving here, please go and see the matron as she wants a word. Then you can go up to your dormitory and get your cases unpacked. Your form teacher will see you after lunch and then the rest of the day, you can have a good look around, study your time table and familiarise yourself with where your classes are. I am sure that Alicia and Tanya will help you to get around.’

She stood up, walked around the desk and put out her hand.

I shook it and smiled up at her. I don’t think that I would ever call her The Mole now. She was a bit of a sweetie on the quiet!

‘Thank you for letting me be a pupil here.’

‘I want you to prove that my trust in you is well placed. Work and play hard and do the best that you can. That is all I ask.’

The others were waiting outside the office, whispering and giggling. They looked up as I came out and closed the office door behind me quietly.

‘She’s still in one piece then?’ said Alicia, grinning.

’No blood as far as I can see.’ said Tanya, ‘Hyacinth recons that The Mole is a vampire in disguise. She comes out in the full moon and sucks the blood out of those kids with marks of less than fifty percent.’

‘Fifty, I thought that it was thirty, I’ll have to look out!’

‘Stop it, you two; I think that she’s lovely.’

Alicia looked at me anxiously and then stared at my neck.

‘No puncture marks–hmm, mind you Tan, we’ll have to watch her. She might be one of those clone girls that are under The Mole’s spell. I’ll dust off my crucifix, dig up some garlic and sharpen a stake; you can’t be too careful!’

We all started giggling at that and were shushed by a passing prefect and then I told the others about my meeting with the head.

‘So,’ said Tanya, ‘Matron first; let’s try and catch her now.’

It was fairly quiet in the halls and corridors of the school as all the girls except us were now in classes. We made our way to the medical room and I knocked on the door and went in. the others, cowards that they were, elected to stay outside.

I walked in and saw the Matron was in her office. I looked over at the ward, remembering the time in the dead of night when I was here before and the deception. I wasn’t looking forward to this; but ‘needs must’ as Mummy was apt to say in sticky situations.

I knocked on her office door.

‘Come,’

I went in and stood in the doorway.

‘Well come in girl, I don’t bite. Pop yourself on that chair and let have a natter.’

I erm, popped myself down, as requested and waited for Matron to speak. My legs felt a bit jellified for some reason.

‘Well young Lucinda, you have been through it. I thought that I had heard everything. Been here since Queen Victoria was knee high to a grasshopper, but your story is quite remarkable, but don’t look so worried, I don’t bite. Right let’s get down to brass tacks shall we?’

She glanced at some papers on her desk and then looked up.

‘You are under a doctor for your gender issues, I see? Doctor Fletcher–nice chap, if a bit modern for my taste. Anyway, he knows his onions, so should be helpful to you. Now re PE and all that; as you know we have individual changing rooms here and I have a chit for you to say that you can bathe in private due to unspecified medical issues. If any teacher queries that, tell him or her to see me. If Doctor Fletcher prescribes anything for you, he’ll pop the stuff over to me and I’ll dish it out to you, comprende?’

‘Sorry?’

She shook her head.

‘Do you understand?’

‘Erm, yes Miss.’

‘Yes Matron.’

‘Sorry,’

She smiled.

‘You’ll learn. Now I know that it’s not going to be easy for you, but try to ensure that you don’t expose your erm, boy bits when you get changed or anything. The last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself. I know that it’s supposed to be the swinging sixties and all that, but we do not want you to be in a position where you are embarrassed in any way. This school is progressive, but there are dinosaurs around even in the most modern of establishments and we don’t want to give them any ammo to shoot you down–understand?’

I was finding it a bit difficult to understand all of the things she was saying–but I got the gist. I wondered if the other adults here were a bit, well strange, I would find out soon enough, I supposed.

‘Right, off you pop then and tell Alicia that if she comes to me any more with scraped knees and elbows after scrambling about doing Lord knows what, I will put something on her wounds that will make her smart. I get fed up with having to repair her self-inflicted damage and Lucinda?’

I stood up and looked at her. She smiled and her face looked twenty years younger.

‘Welcome to our school. It will be a real home for you as long as you stay. Come to me if ever you want to get things off your chest, all right?’

I just smiled, blinked back some sudden tears and nodded.

Outside were the terrible two as I now sort of named them.

‘She looks okay,’ said Tanya as she scanned my features.

‘Hmm, I think that Matron is another vampire type. I swear that she enjoys the sight of blood. Look at the armful she took out of me when I was in the San that night. It all seems suspicious to me.’

I giggled at that and then looked at Alicia with a serious look on my face–well I hoped that it was serious, anyway.

‘She asked me to tell you not to go to her with any more scrapes. She has some nasty stuff that she’ll use on your cuts and bruises–she implied that it would hurt–a lot.’

Alicia turned a sort of puce colour.

‘Blimey, she has got it in for me. I am an innocent young girl and I get the blame for everything around here. You can almost see the halo around my head.’

Both Tanya and I looked pointedly above her head and then as one we just shook our heads. No way was Alicia an angel in any way shape or form!

We dropped my cases off in the dormitory and then for the rest of the morning we had a look around and I got the opportunity of looking at the classrooms that I would soon be going to. It was strange as everyone seemed so well behaved in class. Not like my old school. I could vividly remember what it was like there. Teachers had little or no control over the classes. Many kids just couldn’t be bothered to learn. What was the point? There were no jobs for losers like us. I was quite bright, but any signs of intelligence meant that you were marked down as a swot or teacher’s pet.

Mum did her best when she was sober and not full of drugs. She went up to see the teachers on countless occasions to find out why I came home with bruises or how it was that my grades were going down the tubes.

I tried to explain why things were the way they were, but she didn’t really understand. Even if they had stopped the bullying at school, there was little that the authorities could do once school was over. There was always the chance that I and those like me would be attacked once the final bell went and I was on my way home to Mum...

I shook my head and tried to stop such negative thoughts, but I still missed my mum and dad so much. I sometimes felt guilty that I had sort of managed to get my life together and they hadn’t. I just hoped that they were looking down at me and maybe approve of the way things were going for me.

‘Penny for them?’ asked Tanya as we all sat on the grass and watched a surprisingly frenetic and brutal game of hockey on the field before us. And here was I thinking that these public school girls were all dainty and refined. Judging by what I was seeing before me, they had more mud on them and did more brutal and bone crunching manoeuvres than boys on the rugger field!

‘What have I let myself in for?’ I replied.

‘What do you mean?’ said Tanya.

‘Never mind; I was just sort of comparing this school with my old one.’

‘Is it better?’

‘Is it better? Well at least the violence is controlled here and I don’t have to go around without the danger of being thumped because I am too brainy or have my dinner money pinched because I wasn’t big or ugly enough to defend myself.’

‘Gosh, your old school sounds like hell,’ said Alicia as she loudly sucked on a can of coke through a straw.

‘Hell sounds like heaven after that place. Anyway, enough of that; what shall we do now?’ I asked, getting up and brushing the grass from my skirt.

‘Don’t know really,’ said Tanya, ‘we’ve seen everything you need to see and lunch time is half an hour away.’

‘I’m starving,’ said Alicia.

‘You are always starving,’ I replied, ‘if you eat much more, you’ll look like the Michelin Man,’

‘I’m not fat,’ she said, sucking in her tummy.

‘I’ll be kind and call it puppy fat!’

‘Do you think that I should be a red-head?’ asked Alicia, doing a lightning change of subject for some reason.

‘Oh Alicia, you have such nice mousy hair.’ said Tanya.

‘Flaming cheek!’ shouted Alicia as she proceeded to chase the shrieking Tanya down the hill towards the school.

I followed at a more leisurely pace, as becoming of my stature as a more mentally mature girl and general good egg. Being the soon to be daughter of almost royalty, I had a sort of position to keep up–who was I kidding?

I found them doing a sort of tickle-fest on the lawn in front of the main entrance. Why no one stopped them I would never know. I could see that being involved with these two nut cases would be interesting to say the least.

Once things had calmed down and they had got their breath back, Tanya looked up at me and smiled. I was smoothing down my hair. I hate fly away hair, don’t you?

‘What?’ I said looking up at their smug faces.

‘You look more girlyfied than me and I am considered extremely girly here. I’d have pink cornflakes if it was available.’

‘Well pink is my colour,’ I said.

‘Tell me about it,’ said Alicia. ‘Do you know, Tan, she has pink wallpaper and pink sheets and pink everything in her bedroom. She wears pink nighties’ too. I went into her bedroom the other day and I couldn’t see her. Perfect camouflage–pink, including her face...’

It was my turn to attack Alicia and get her writhing about on the grass again. She was extremely ticklish and I knew her weak spots.

‘What is going on here?’

We stopped mid tickle and looked up. There was someone standing there in front of us and she looked far from happy. She looked like a teacher. You can always tell a teacher. They have that expression on their faces that they always know more than you and they have seen it all.

‘Sorry Miss Golightly,’ said Alicia as she struggled to her feet. I followed and sort of tried to hide behind Tanya, who was trying her best to look the innocent party and failing miserably.

‘You should be in classes girls.’

Tanya explained in a few words why we were not in class and Miss Golightly looked at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

‘Ah, so you are Lucinda. I am your head of year and I expect a certain level of good behaviour. Hmm, I am not sure that you should...well never mind that. I expect you to be a credit to the school and not show us up. Bad publicity will do us no good. I suggest young, erm–lady, that you keep a low profile and not rock the boat. I am surprised at you, Tanya, you should know better. Alicia, I expect little from you but I do expect to have a hundred lines from each of you by breakfast tomorrow. You shall write the following–I shall not play the fool in future as it is not becoming of a young lady. Now be off with you before I decide that detention is in order.’

She strode off leaving me feeling breathless and slightly sick.

‘She’s a cow,’ said Alicia with venom, ‘she was made head of year at the beginning of term and she likes to throw her weight about.’

‘She doesn’t like me,’ I said.

‘She doesn’t like anyone,’ said Tanya.

‘She knows about me.’ I said.

‘Well she knows about me too,’ replied Tanya, ‘but she’s been no trouble really. I don’t see her much. I try to avoid her like the plague,’

‘She confiscated my stink bombs once,’ said Alicia. ‘I never did get them back. That’s theft, that is.’

‘Anyhoo,’ said Tanya,’ can you show me your hideout, when you were here in secret, I mean. I know that Alicia has seen it, but I’m dying to have a look.’

I looked at Alicia and shrugged. We still had twenty minutes before lunch so I led the way into school and then across the hallway, along the familiar corridor past the dorms and then through the door, up the staircase and then along to the room that I called home for a few short nights.

As I opened the door, I had a strange feeling come over me. It all seemed like a dream to me now–how I had stayed up here without anyone knowing. It seemed amazing to me that I managed to get away with it without being caught. As the others chatted excitedly, I went over to the window and looked out. The last time I did this, I had realised that I couldn’t continue the way I had been. Alicia had made me confront the truth–that you can’t run forever. Then, shortly afterwards she had persuaded me to confide in her aunt and the rest was now history–a history which was part of my life.

I had learned from my experiences and although I had been through a lot of heartache, I knew that it had all been for a reason. I had confronted my problems and with the help of the ones that I loved, I had won through.

The others had stopped talking and as I turned they looked at me. I think that they could see how I felt at that moment and without a word, they came over and we went all had a bit of a group hug.

The bell went off in the distance. We were all a bit tearful for some reason and after wiping our eyes and blowing our noses, we were ready to go.

I took one last look at the room as the others went out and then without looking back, I closed the door behind me.

A few minutes later we were downstairs and about to go into the dining hall. This was the moment when I would join the rest of the school and become one of them. Alicia grabbed one of my arms and Tanya, the other. There was cacophony of noise coming from the hall and I was feeling nervous. Would I be accepted? Would I be happy?

Alicia pushed open the door and we went in–and then...well that’s another story.

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Please leave comments…thanks! ~Sue