Part 1

Chapter 1

I was sitting on my suitcases trying to decide what was pissing me off more; being sent out to the middle of nowhere to live with a father who I don’t even remember or having said father forget to pick me up. Now to give him the benefit of the doubt, which I really don’t want to do, but let’s say I do; it is entirely possible that he is here.

I wouldn’t know him if he was standing right in front of me. Thinking that, I glance up, looking at the man standing at the curb. Hmmm, probably not, this guy is about fifty something and black. My father should be in his early forties and not black, not Asian either. Beyond that, I haven’t much of a clue except he’s supposed to be tall, slim and have dark hair. He’s also supposed to have a recent picture of me. If not, there’s no way he’ll spot me, even if he remembers that I no longer look like a boy. This already long crappy day is getting worse.

My name is Angel MacGarry. MacGarry was my Mom’s maiden name and Angel is the name Mom gave me when she realized that my wanting to be a girl wasn’t just a phase. That was seven years ago.

I can’t remember what the final thing was that convinced my Mom. We had been going on and on about my acting like a girl and saying that I WAS a girl since I was about five. I’d try to stop feeling like a girl and I’d try to act like a boy but it never worked out, at least for long, then I’d get all upset and then Mom would get all upset. This kept going on and on until finally one day, shortly after I turned nine, we went around about this again. Like I said, I don’t remember the details but the end result was Mom looking at me and this time finally seeing me. She finally saw me as a girl.

I may not remember the details of the argument we were having but I do remember every detail of the revelation. We were both reduced to tears of frustration; me by insisting that I really was a girl and Mom by trying to convenience me that I wasn’t. Well we both were crying and Mom was looking at me. As she looked I saw the moment she realized the truth. Her eyes got wider, her mouth formed an ‘O’ and she brought her hand up to her face. She then reached out and gently touched my cheek. Her next words I’ll never forget, “Oh my angel, why didn’t I see it before. I’m so sorry baby.” She then gathered me in her arms and we cried and laughed and ever since that day, I’ve been ‘Angel’. The rest, as they say is history.

Ever since that moment I’ve lived as a girl. Mom found some really great doctors to help me too. One worked with us to help me get my body on the right track to look female and the other worked with us to help us on the mind and emotional end of things. The end result is today I look and act just like any other teenage girl. In one more year I’m going to have my operation to finally correct my little birth defect, but even if that never happens, and believe me it will, but even if it doesn’t, legally I am a girl. It says so now on my birth certificate. That was Mom’s big present to me this year. Her final gift to me was to legally make me her daughter.

Oh gods, just remembering is making me cry again. I hate crying. Three weeks, two days and glancing at my watch, seventeen hours ago, my Mom became my angel. Last year she found out that she got the big ‘C’ and we fought it. Oh boy did we fight it too. We saw the best of the best when it came to doctors and we tried every treatment there was to try and beat it. But sometimes it doesn’t matter how good the person is, or how hard you fight, you still end up losing. An hour and fifteen minutes after Mom gave me the present of my new birth certificate, she died. She died and my faith in god and all the good things in life died with her.

So a bit over three weeks later I find myself sitting on one of my suitcases at the curb of a small airport, waiting for a father who I haven’t heard one word from since he left us when I was three to pick me up. My nose is all stuffy and my mascara is running and I just want to go home, a home that no longer exists.

“Jason Hawkins, Jason Hawkins, please meet your party at Passenger Drop off, Jason Hawkins, please meet your party at the Passenger Drop Off area at the main terminal entrance.”

I’m not sure how many times I listened to that announcement before it finally dawned on me that I was born ‘Jason Hawkins’ sixteen years ago. I had all but forgotten that name. Apparently father dear “forgot” that it isn’t my name anymore and it hasn’t been for a very long time. Bastard. I can see that this is going to be a real fun time.

I get up and grab my two suitcases, my backpack, purse and my guitar case and go back inside the airport. First to the ladies room to repair my face, I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing that I was crying, and two, to make my way up from ‘Passenger Pickup’ to the ‘Passenger Drop Off’ area. Oh dopey me for thinking that I should be at the pick-up area like was agreed upon.

After making sure my face is on ok, I make my way up the escalators and out the main doors. Looking around, there is no sign of any tall dark slender men, especially one that looks like he’s trying to find someone. Great, just freaking great. With my luck he’s probably already gone, although admittedly that could be a mixed blessing. I suspect he’s about as happy about me being here as I am which is not at all.

Grabbing my bags, I decide to give it one more try. I drag my stuff on over to a police officer who is currently trying to get some lady with a pickup truck to move. Hopefully he can help me find out who paged me.

“Lady, I’ve already let you stay here too long as it is. You’re going to have to move now.” he was telling her.

“Excuse me officer,” I interrupt, “but could you help me please?”

The policeman turns to me, the lady looks relieved for the bit of reprieve I’ve given her and he says, “Sure kid, what do you need?”

“I need to find out who’s been paging Jason Hawkins.”

“You his sister?”

“Something like that.”

“This is your lucky day.” Turning to the lady he says “You got five more minutes before I ticket you and have your truck towed.” He then walks off.

What the hell?

I’m standing there watching the policeman’s retreating back trying to figure out his cryptic comment when someone clears their throat right behind me.

Turning, there’s that lady. Wow, she’s a tall one. Of course everyone is tall to me. If I think really tall thoughts I’m almost, maybe 5’2”, ok only 5’1” and only if I cheat. This gal is six foot easily.

“Sorry, did I hear you correctly, were you asking about Jason Hawkins?”

“Um, yea.”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought I’d screwed this up proper. You’re Bill’s kid? Um, Jason?”

“Yes and no. Yes, Bill Hawkins fathered me, no my name isn’t Jason, not anymore, its Angel. Who are you?”

“Praise be I lucked out again. Oh, um, Angel, I’m your Aunt Carol, Bills’ sister. Wow, you really look like a girl.”

“Wow, Aunt Carol, so do you!” I hate when people say that. “Now what? If we wait around much longer, that cop is going to come back.”

I could tell my response surprised her. This is the first I’ve ever heard of having an aunt. Of course, Mom never talked about father and his side of the family, I mean ever. Anyway, I had no intention of getting too lovey dovey with the people who’ve ignored me for sixteen years. As soon as I graduate high school I’m out of here.

“Well, let’s just toss your stuff in the back here and we’ll head on out.” With that, she grabs the bags that I’ve been struggling with and tosses them both in the back of the truck like they were two feathers. Keeping hold of my guitar, I go to open truck door but am struggling to get it unlatched.

“Here hon, let me. Ever since your daddy sideswiped the gate post, it takes a bit of persuasion to get ‘er open.” With that she gives the door a viscous kick then a hard yank on the handle. Then the door opens with a loud creak.

Lovely. Putting my guitar case on the floor of the back I literally have to climb up and onto the seat. I put my pack and purse on the floor beneath me.

“Make sure you’re all tucked in darlin', got to slam it to get it to stay.” With that she slams the door making the whole truck rock.

Looking around, the inside is covered in dust, there are what look like Indian blankets covering the seats, there’s a gun rack with rifle in the back and a straw cowboy hat resting on the dash. I suppose technically it’s a cowgirl hat as Carol jams it on her head as soon as she climbs in.

With a big white smile she says, “buckle up darlin’ and relax. We’ll be home in a few hours.”

Hours? Oh joy, oh rapture. If that gun in the back is loaded, I wonder if Carol would let me use it to put myself out of my misery. Probably not.

As Carol concentrates on getting out of the airport and onto the highway, I take the opportunity to give her a closer look.

The first thing I notice is she looks young. She looks like she’s closer to my age than someone father’s age and if father is anything like her I can be sure that I take after Mom’s side of the family. Well, except the nose. Mom had this little button nose that I always wanted too. Instead I’ve got this nose that Mom always said has character. If that meant big, she was right. Now I see where I got it from. Carol and I have the same nose, only on her it looks good, on me it just looks big.

As I mentioned, she is a very tall woman and the heels of her cowboy boots just help add to that impression. For all of her height she looks slim. Not skinny, nope, this is someone who screams ‘I am a woman’ and has the curves to prove it. She’s got very long legs in snug well worn jeans, a narrow waist and an impressive bosom wrapped in a flannel shirt with no sleeves. On top of all of that, she has long straight black hair, dark eyes that you can tell are use to laughing and facial features that well, I suspect make most women if not hate, at least envious of her. I include myself in that list, she’s gorgeous.

We get out on the highway and are heading south. I’m looking at the mountains on my right. I’ve never seen mountains so big before. Who am I kidding; I’ve never seen mountains before. All this blue sky and wide open spaces is beginning to freak me out a bit.

“Bet this is sure different from what you’re used to isn’t it?”

Looking at Carol, she’s smiling at me. I say, “I’ve spent all my life in New York City. The wilderness there is bordered between Fifth Avenue and Central Park West one way, and West 110th Street and East 59th Street the other way. Central Park is big and impressive and can get pretty wild, but it’s nothing like this. I never realized the sky could be so blue.”

“Yea, it’s going to be a purty day. Well you’ll get used to it here in no time. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for getting things all messed up back there. Your daddy is in the middle of a difficult foaling and couldn’t get away so he asked me to come fetch you. It wasn’t ‘till I was almost at the airport that I realized that I forgot to get the picture you sent and then I couldn’t for the life of me remember your new name. I tend to be a bit scattered brained sometimes.”

“Oh it’s ok. I thought he might have forgotten or something.”

“Oh darlin’ no, he’s been really lookin’ forward to meeting you.”

“Ma’am, it’s ok, you don’t have to say that. I suspect he really isn’t all that eager to see me. We’ll get through this year in no time, and then I’ll be out of your hair for good.”

She got a kind of worried look on her face and was holding her lower lip between her teeth.

“I know all of this landed on you guys all of a sudden and I’m sure it’s a huge imposition. You don’t have to worry; you’ll hardly know I’m there. I won’t be a bother.”

“Darlin’ really, when I found out you were commin’ I was really pleased. Your daddy was too. I hope you’ll like it here. Oh, and please call me Carol. I’d really like us to be friends.”

Not really knowing what to say to that, I decided to change the subject. “Um Carol, if you don’t mind me asking, just how old are you?”

“Me? I’m twenty-eight. Daddy, your granddaddy, and Momma got hitched late but wanted a girl. Now Momma was Daddy’s third wife and Daddy couldn’t have any more kids so they adopted me, so I reckon that just makes me kind of your half-aunt by marriage, but I guess I’m also your cousin, like third or fourth removed, ‘caus my birth folks were Daddy’s second or third cousins. They died when I was five and that’s when Daddy and Momma took me in. It gets a bit complicated but we’re all family, so actual relations don’t really matter. Family is family.

I sure was sorry to hear about your momma, that’s mighty sad. I remember when Bill brought her home that one time. They had just run off and got married and he was showing her off to the family. She was just the prettiest little thing and I hate to admit it but I was so jealous of her. Now keep in mind, I was what? Let’s see, I was twelve years old and your daddy was eighteen and I thought he hung the moon, he was just so big and handsome. Anyway, here he comes home with the prettiest little thing you ever did see. I see a lot of her in you. You’re smaller, lordy you’re a tiny thing, but you’re even prettier than your momma was.”

Wanting to once again change the subject I ask, “Carol, since it’s going to be a couple of hours until we reach your place, do you think we could stop somewhere so I can get something to eat? I haven’t eaten in awhile.”

“Oh darlin’ I’m so sorry. I should of thought of that. If you can hold on just a bit, there’s a nice little diner up here that we can get an early lunch at.”

“That will be fine thanks.”

“Sure ‘nuff darlin’.” And she gives me one of those hundred watt smiles of hers.

Carol is nice, too nice really. I can see that it’s going to be hard keeping my detachment around her. I don’t want to get to know these people; I especially don’t want to start liking them. These people never wanted to have anything to do with me and Mom and quite frankly at this point I didn’t really want to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately I couldn’t convince anyone back home that I could take care of myself and they ended up insisting that I go live with father.

Chapter 2

About ten minutes later we pull off the highway to what looks like some derelict building but is obviously popular based upon all of the cars and trucks in the gravel lot. There is a beat-up sign over the door that says ‘Pete’s Diner’.

We pull up in a cloud of dust and instead of fighting the door, I tell Carol that I’ll just slide across and go out her door.

Feeling proud that I didn’t break something jumping down from the truck, we go inside the diner. We pause just inside the door to let our eyes adjust then make our way over to a booth.

A harried looking waitress shows up just after we get settled and hands us a couple of menus and lays down our silverware.

“Howdy ladies, get you something to drink?”

Carol says, “Coffee with cream for me.”

Figuring that they probably don’t have a mocha latte, I say, “Iced tea, no lemon please.”

“Fine, I’ll be right back to take your order.” With that she's off again.

Looking through the menu I don’t see much that is too appealing so I decide that I’ll just stick with the chef salad.

Just as Carol closes up her menu, the waitress reappears with our drinks, mine with lemon and a bunch of seeds at the bottom of the glass. Oh well.

“Ok ladies, what’ll it be?”

Carol says, “I’ll have the chicken burrito, smothered green with a side of sour cream.”

“Um, I’ll just have the chef salad.” I say.

“All righty, it’ll be right out.” And off she goes again.

I just look out the window and I can see Carol out of the corner of my eye. She’s acting like she wants to say something but isn’t sure about how to go about it.

“Um, Angel hon?”

I turn my head and raise my eyebrow.

“Um, I want to apologize, you know for earlier.”

“For what?” I know I’m not making this easy for her but damn it, I don’t want to get close to these people.

“You know, that whole ‘gee you look like a girl’ comment. I didn’t mean nothing by it. I was just surprised is all. I’m not sure what I was expecting but a pretty little thing like you sure wasn’t it. Well, I just wanted to say I was sorry. Like I said, I do want us to be friends. Ok?”

“I accept your apology Carol; I guess I’m a little sensitive about that. Thank you.”

I turn back to looking out the window and I hear Carol sigh.

A few minutes later our lunches arrive. Carol’s lunch is this massive burrito with cheese and a green sauce bubbling all over it. It actually smells kind of good, but I could live off of that for about a week it’s so big.

This is obviously not the place to get a chef’s salad. My salad consists of a wedge of iceberg lettuce, a slice of tomato, half of a hard-boiled egg and some cheddar cheese grated over it. Oh well, it’ll fill the hole in my stomach.

We eat in comparable silence. I’m finished before she is, but not by much. I’m stunned, I can’t believe she at that whole thing.

While we’re waiting for the check, I dig through my purse trying to find some Tylenol. Fortunately I do and I wash down three of them with the last of my tea. My head feels like it’s absolutely going to explode.

Part of the problem I think is it’s so damn bright here and I don’t have any sunglasses. Couple that with the stress of traveling and well, stress in general and I’m not surprised that I have a headache.

The waitress comes and Carol grabs the check. “My treat darlin’.”

“Thanks. Um, I’m going to run next door and get a pair of sunglasses. Meet you at the truck?”

“Sure thing.”

I grab my purse and get up. I noticed a little convenience store next to the diner and I think I noticed sunglasses through the window.

I make my way on out. I figure I’ll have a bit of time as there was quite a line at the register.

I gratefully duck back into the shade of the convenience store. It’s also quite a bit cooler in here too. I go on over to the sunglass rack and find a nice dark pair. They’re pretty cheap but what do you expect for ten bucks? I decide to get two just in case and with them and cold bottle of water; I go back out to the truck.

Carol isn’t there yet and it’s hot waiting by the truck. I’m definitely going to have to get out of my top and maybe my pants too. They’re a sport outfit and it’s real comfortable to fly in but this heat is building fast and they’re getting progressively more uncomfortable to be in.

Carol soon shows up and unlocks the truck. I climb up her side and on across. Once settled, I take the jacket off and after thinking about it for a second; I pull off the pants as well. Underneath I’m wearing matching cami workout top and black shorts. Much better.

“That’s a cute little outfit there but girl you need to get you some sun. You’re white as can be.”

I give her a small smile and say, “Listen, I’m bushed from the travel and I have a splitting headache, do you mind if I just close my eyes a bit?”

“Not at all. In fact, why don’t you just lie on down on the bench here. You could use your jacket for a pillow.”

That sounds like a great idea so I make a pillow out of my jacket and pants, loosen up my seatbelt and lay on down. Before I know it, I’m fast asleep.

Chapter 3

I wake up when we leave the highway. I’m really not fully awake at this point, just in that half-dream state before fully waking up. I feel nice. There’s some soft music playing, it’s country western music which is odd since I never listen to it. There’s a soft feminine voice singing quietly along and someone is gently stroking my hair. I hug the leg my head is resting on a bit. I feel nice and safe as I drift back asleep.

A particularly strong jolt wakes me as the truck hits a pothole. Fully awake this time, I realize that I had stretched out quite a bit more than I intended and that my head is resting on Carol’s lap. Startled and a bit embarrassed, I quickly sit up.

“Well, look who decided to rejoin the world. Hey darlin’ sleep well?”

“Um yes, yes I did. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t you worry about that. It looked like you needed it. We’ll be at the house here real soon.”

Still feeling embarrassed, I rub the sleep from my eyes and take a drink of now tepid water. Looking about I see we're now in up in the mountains.

We pull onto a barely grated road and we bounce along the rutted lane for quite awhile until we top a rise. Carol stops the truck and when the cloud of dust settles around us, I see we're looking down into a beautiful valley.

"Well darlin', just a few more minutes and we'll be home."

"Nice view. Where's your place?"

"All around us, we've been driving on it for the last fifteen minutes."

Stunned, I say "the last fifteen minutes? Just how big is this place?"

"Oh all told about fifteen-hundred acres. Now keep in mind there's a fair chunk of that that is up and down as opposed to side to side and only good for the mountain goats and bighorn sheep. But it's still a respectable bit of land."

Fifteen-hundred acres? I couldn't get my head around that size; I just had no point of reference.

Carol starts back up and conversation is stopped as we bounce along the road. The tires and the kicked up rock and dirt make conversation all but impossible.

There are several times that my seatbelt saves me from smacking my head on the roof of the truck as we bounce along.

I no longer am paying much attention to the view as I hold on for dear life. On Carol's side there's mountain, on my side is what looks to be a sheer drop and Carol is going much too fast for my comfort.

Eventually we reach the valley and cross a small bridge and the road is much better. I have to consciously loosen my grip on the armrest though.

About ten minutes later I begin to see the ranch buildings. This place is a lot bigger than I thought. There are several buildings that look like barns and on the bluff overlooking everything is a sprawling ranch style house.

Out in the pastures I see horses and cows. Around the buildings several people working at various tasks.

As Carol approaches some look up and immediately start waving at us. Carol honks the horn and waves back as we speed by and up the road to the main house.

We pull up under the shade of a huge tree and stop.

"Well darlin' here we are. Home sweet home and we made it here all in one piece."

She opens her door and I shakily crawl across and hop down.

I'm looking at the impressive house. It has a deep shaded porch and much of it is built out of what look like whole trees. A real log cabin but an impressive one. It looks like there are a ton of rooms in this place.

"Oh no! Dang nab it no!"

Turning around to see what Carol is all upset about, I can't figure it out at first. Then I see it. One of my suitcases had popped open and my stuff is all over the back of the truck. Looking back the way we just came I see articles of my clothing leading back up the road and disappearing in the distance.

"No!"

I run to the back of the truck and take the blouse Carol is holding. Then seeing a slip about ten feet away I run to that and pick it up out of the dirt.

"Damn it. Would you look at this?"

I'm practically in tears as I go over to the next article of clothing and pick it up.

Carol is saying she's sorry and swearing under her breath but I'm just too upset to pay attention to her.

A minute later a small very stocky Hispanic man comes jogging up and hands me an armload of clothes.

"Seá±orita, aquá­ tienes."

"Thank you." I say absently, and then I break down and start crying. This has all just been too much and this is the last straw.

Someone is soon next to me and has their arm around me leading me up to the house. I don't even know who it is as I bury my face in my torn, dirty clothes and cry.

Chapter 4

The sound of a door softly closing wakes me up. At first I'm disoriented, not knowing where I am or how I got here. Then I remember and the thought of all my clothes lost and scattered along the highway starts me crying again.

I try to get myself under control as I hear Carol's voice outside the door.

"Selma and Fernando have everything under control, let them handle it. You need to get something to eat, you need some rest and most of all you need to meet your daughter."

I can't make out the response from, I assume my father, but it's not hard to figure out from Carol's angry reply.

"She is yours you fool and she looks more like a girl than many born that way."

". . . . . "

"You haven't seen her. If that's a boy, I'm Chief Ouray. At least come take a look at her, she's purtier than a mornin' dove.”

". . . . ."

"That's not fair and that's not the reason. Damn it Bill, you stubborn assed mule. That little thing in there has been through hell and I'll be damn if I'll . . . ."

I couldn't make out the rest as they move away.

So father dear doesn't want me here. That's not a big surprise. I wonder why he said yes then. It can't be for money. Given how big this place is it doesn't look like he needs it and besides, Mom wasn't all that rich and most of what she had was put into a trust fund for me. He could have refused. Had he done that, I'd have just stayed in the group home for the next year or so.

Oh I feel so alone. Mom, why did you leave me? I don't know how I'm going to make it here. They told me that this is what you wanted but I can't believe that. Why mom, why?

Once I get my crying back under control I realize that I'm starving. I really need to get something to eat. After that, well we'll see. First food, no strike that. First the bathroom then food.

The room is fairly dark but there is enough light coming from under the door to see that there is a bedside lamp. Turning it on I find that I'm in a rather large bedroom on a big four-poster bed. There's a dresser, makeup vanity with mirror, and a couple of chairs on either side of a fireplace. Everything is very western, which I guess shouldn't be too much of a surprise. The room has a distinct feminine feel to it though and I wonder whose it is.

Tossing back the blanket someone put over me; I swing my legs over the side of the bed and hop down. There are plenty of beautiful thick rugs all across the tile floor and heading to an open door; I hope to find the bathroom.

I do and turning on the light I see it's a rather nice one too. I quickly take care of business then looking in the mirror I can't believe how I look. I have a perfect face for Halloween. My eyes are red and puffy, my makeup is almost completely gone and what little remains makes me look like an extra in a zombie movie.

I wash my face and look and feel much better. Looking around though I don't see any towels. Wonderful.

Back in the bedroom the corner of the bed sheet takes over for a towel. With that done I look around for my shoes. Spotting them next to one of the chairs I go over and quickly put them on. The need for food is getting stronger as my stomach is now on continual growl mode.

Squaring my shoulders and steeling myself for a confrontation with father dear, I promise myself to not cry, not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. If at all possible I'll ignore him.

Carol, I'll deal with her. She doesn't seem to have a problem with me and even said she'd like to be friends. While I don't know if I can dare be friends with anyone here, she does seem nice and I'll at least need someone to occasionally talk to.

Reaching out, I open the door and step into a hallway.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 2

Chapter 5

To the right seems to lead further back into the house. My left seems to lead out to the living areas.

I hesitantly make my way out and rounding a corner I find myself in the living room. Carol is curled up in a big chair doing some sewing and looks up as I come in.

“Hey darlin’, are you feeling any better now?”

“Yea, a bit I guess.”

“Well I’m not surprised you getting all upset and all. I would have too, but don’t you worry, I think we found everything and the last of it will be coming out of the dryer real soon.”

I was immensely relieved. “Thank you Carol, thank you so much. That makes me feel a lot better.”

“And this should too. It looks like most everything just got a bit dirty except a couple of pair of hose and these jeans which got all torn up somehow. We can replace the hose and I just got finished sewing up the tears in the jeans. Here ya go hon.”

I take the jeans from her and look at what she’s done. I’m stunned; each tear has been carefully and very neatly sewn up. She did a beautiful job. My hundred and thirty dollar designer jeans that were oh so artfully cut and torn are now all sewn up.

After everything else that’s happened, the only thing I can do is to start to giggle. Soon I am laughing and I’m not too sure I can stop.

“What is it? What’s so funny?”

Getting myself under a bit more control I tell her, “The jeans, they came that way. I bought them like that.”

Carol’s eyes get bigger with the realization and soon she is joining me and we’re both laughing until our sides are hurting.

Carol is looking past me and stops laughing. Calming down I turn to see what she’s looking at and see a very tall handsome man standing in the doorway. I feel like someone just threw a bucket of cold water on me. This must be my father.

“Bill, there you are. Come on in and meet your daughter. Angel honey, this here’s your daddy.”

There’s tightness around the eyes; you can tell he’s not happy.

“A daughter, humph. Carol will see that you’re settled proper in your room. If you need anything, see her.”

I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe there was a part of me that was hoping that everything had been a mistake and he’d see me and it would all be like a story book. Well it is, a story book written by Steven King. The coldness in his tone and the black look in his eyes put an end to any hope I might have been harboring.

Carol’s looking worriedly back and forth between us. As father starts to turn to leave, I say in as a cold and emotionless voice as I can, “Bill, if you didn’t want me here, why tell everyone you did?”

“Now Angel hon, that’s your daddy, you shouldn’t talk like that,” says an increasingly worried sounding Carol.

Not taking my eyes off of him, I say “no Carol, you’re wrong, he might have fathered me, but he’s not my 'daddy'. Daddies don’t abandon their three year old child and nineteen year old wife and never even attempt to––never mind. He might be my father, but he sure isn’t my daddy.”

With that, I turn my back on him and look out the window at the lengthening shadows. Soon I hear a door slam behind me and the tension in me suddenly is released. Turning I fling myself into Carol’s arms and cry.

Holding me and stroking my hair, Carol says “I don’t know what else you got from him, but you surely got his temper. Give him time Angel honey, he’ll come around. This is all new to him too and though he’ll never admit it, I think he’s scared.”

“But why Carol, why bring me out here if he doesn’t want me?”

“Oh darlin’, every journey starts with a first step. Give it time; it’ll be fine, you’ll see. Now I bet you’re hungry. Dinner isn’t for another hour or so but I bet we can rustle you up a little something to hold you over ‘till then. Come with me.”

Chapter 6

Carol’s idea of ‘a little something’ turns out to be a lot like my idea of a full meal. We go into the kitchen and Carol pulls out enough food to feed an army. I have to stop her and I end up fixing a small chicken sandwich and finish with a peach and a large glass of lemonade.

“Are you sure you’ve had enough? Doesn’t seem like you eat more than a little bird.”

“Oh that was plenty, thank you. I only hope I didn’t eat too much and spoil dinner.”

“No wonder you’re so tiny.” She says with a smile.

Smiling back I ask, “Carol, where’s my stuff? I’d like to change into something more than these shorts and top.”

“Well, right now they’re all in the laundry room. I wanted to show you around and give you your choice of rooms. Then we can move your things in. Come on.”

With that we get up and head down the back hallway.

“Carol, whose room was I in?”

“Oh that was one of the guest rooms. You can take it if you want to but I think you might be more comfortable in one of these, they’re a bit more private.”

The first room that Carol showed me was very nice. The furniture was very much like what was in the guest room but the room was slightly smaller, done in cool blues and there was no bathroom.

“Now this one is kinda nice. The bathroom is right next door and um . . . . . your daddy’s room is across the hall.”

At that I stiffen. I’d rather sleep in the barn than close to him. We leave that room and go down and round the hall.

“Jiminy Carol, this place is huge.”

Chuckling Carol says, “Yea, it’s a big rambling place. Seems like each generation adds on to it just a bit. It used to be a bear to heat but just two years ago we did some major upgrades and it’s not so bad now.

Now here is the room that I thought you might like the best.”

Opening the door she ushers me into the room. The site makes me catch my breath. The room is beautiful. It’s all done in whites, pale blues and pale pinks. Now this is a girl’s room.

The furniture is all done in bleached wood and the bed is an actual canopy bed. I’ve always wanted one of those.

“Oh Carol, this is so pretty. Whose is it?”

“Yours if you want it. It’s one I had awhile back. Let me show you around. Over here is a little sitting room that looks out over a little garden area. This door is to your closet and if you go on through to this here other door, here’s the bathroom.

I’m afraid you don’t get the bathroom all to yourself, through this door is my room. We share the bathroom and that little sitting room. What do you think?”

As she’s talking we’re walking around and are back at the sitting room. It’s a cozy little room with a couple of big soft chairs and a little fireplace.

Turning to Carol I say, “It’s perfect Carol. I’ll take this one if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok. Let’s go get your things. I thought you might like it.”

I can tell that Carol wants to give me a hug and quite frankly I really want to get one. I hesitantly move towards her and with a smile she opens her arms and we’re hugging. It feels so nice being in her arms and being held. I guess I’m not very good at the tough guy act.

“Thank you Carol. Thank you for all you’ve done and well, all you’re doing. I’m not sure why you’re doing all of this for me, but I do appreciate it.”

“Why I’m doing this? Why darlin’ I told you, we’re family.”

With one more quick hug, we’re off to track down my stuff. Hugging Carol is nice but I feel like I’m ten again. Carol’s so tall that my head barely comes up to her chest and her chest is big enough that if she hugs me too long I’d be in serious danger of suffocation. But it’s nice.

There hasn’t been anyone to just get a hug from since Mom died. Oh Maggie, my therapist, helped me out tons to get through things until I came out here, but Carol is right, there’s something special about family. I really don’t know how I can keep my promise to myself in not getting close to these people. Well Father won’t be a problem, but Carol? No, it may already be too late for that.

Chapter 7

We grab my bags and I load up with them while Carol fills her arms up with my piles of clean clothes. Once back in my room I tell her to just set them on the bed.

As she helps me put things away, I put aside my now ‘repaired’ jeans, a nice pullover blouse and some clean underwear.

“Carol I can finish this up later. Right now I thought I’d just take a quick shower and wash the travel grim off of me. Ok?”

“It’s not a problem honey, you go right ahead.”

“Thanks.”

I grab my makeup case and go on into the bathroom and start the shower. Carol has shampoo and conditioner in here already so I just grab my razor. I don’t really need to use it much, thank god, but I hate body hair and just want to touch up things a bit.

I give myself a critical look in the mirror. Not too shabby. My figure isn’t too bad, the orchestra is nice but I could do with a larger balcony. My hair is my best feature. It’s long, thick and wavy, though I’m always toying with giving it some color. It’s beyond bleach blonde. Given how dark father is, I must have gotten it from Mom, but even though she was blonde, she wasn’t this blonde. The face could do with some work, especially the nose, but the mouth isn’t too bad. Carol’s right, I am pale but I think it looks good on me. Besides, I never seem to tan, just burn and whenever I’ve tried a bronzer any bronzer, I turn orange. I do not look good in orange, especially orange skin.

Looking further south I tell myself that my little ambiguity won’t be a problem in another year. Maybe I can have them work on the nose and boobs at the same time? Nah, not the boobs, Mom said she was a late bloomer and I’d hate to get them just the size I wanted then have a growing spurt. That would suck.

I step into the shower, it’s nice and big and the water pressure is divine. I hate wimpy water pressure. I quickly soap up and discover why Carol smells so nice, it’s this soap. I’m not sure of the brand, but it’s really nice. A quick run over everything with the razor then a rinse and that’s done. Now for the more daunting task of washing my hair. I really like having long hair; I just wish it wasn’t such a pain in the you-know-what to take care of.

I turn off the water and as I wring the water out of my hair, I notice that I don’t have any towels. Just as I’m about to call out to Carol, there’s a knock on the door.

Carol says from the other side of the door, “I just realized you might need some towels, can I come in?”

“Thanks.”

Carol comes on in with a stack of towels and hands me the top one. “Here ya go darlin’.”

I bend over and wrap my hair up and when I stand up, I notice Carol looking me over.

“I was right; you are a pretty little thing. Now turn around and I’ll dry your back.”

I’m a little bit surprised by her reaction. I thought that she’d be at least passing curious by my condition but she paid it no mind.

“There ya go darlin’. Now come get dressed so we can finish up with putting your belongings away. I want to finish giving you the tour around the house and introduce you to some folks.

We go back out to my room and I start to get dressed.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what are your plans for, ah your ah . . . . “

“Birth defect?”

“Um, yea. If it’s none of my business, just tell me to butt out. I’m just curious is all.”

“Oh I don’t mind. Hopefully in another year, I can have my operation. Mom set up a trust fund for me and I’ve been working with my doctors to make sure all is in place to have it done.”

“After that, no more reminders right?”

“Of my birth gender? Well physically that’s kinda true, however I’ll still have to take hormones and there’s a couple of other things that won’t be real pleasant from what I hear that I’ll need to do. Actually I’ll have more things to do afterwards than I do now because thankfully I don’t have to take blockers right now but that would change anyway after the operation. Plus I’ll never be able to have kids of my own. Course, that’s not a problem right now, but someday it might have been nice.”

“Blockers, what are they?”

“Well normally I’d need to take something to block the male hormones from doing their thing, but that’s not a problem for me anymore.”

“Why not?”

Smiling I say, “You weren’t paying much attention before I put my underwear on were you?”

“Well I didn’t want to stare or anything.”

“No maracas.”

“What?”

“No testicles, I’m gelded.”

“What! How on earth?”

Holding up my arms side-by-side in front of me, I say, “See my arm, how the left one is slightly bent?”

“Yes.”

“That happened at the same time. Some kids I knew a couple of years ago found out about me. One of them was a boy that, well let’s just say we were a little curious about each other. Anyway, they found out and felt that I needed to be taught a lesson or something. So one day they beat the crap out of me. That boy? Well he broke my arm. When I was lying on the ground, his little sister proceeded to kick me repeatedly in the groin, even after I was unconscious. The result was two ruptured testicles and a long painful hospital stay. Nothing could be saved so they removed them.

It turns out that little lemon turned into lemonade for me. Now I don’t need the blockers.

“Oh my god, you poor thing. How could they?”

“As I said, I’m different. People don’t like what they don’t understand and they don’t understand someone being born physically one gender but being the other gender in their mind, heart and soul and wanting to change the body to fit the soul. It scares some. Heck, I don’t understand it and I have a far better perspective on it than most. It scares me too sometimes.

Just ask your brother. To him I’m a freak, a slur on his manhood or some such crap.”

“Oh darlin’, he’s not . . .”

“Carol stop.” I finish dressing and continue. “Carol, why am I here?”

“Why darlin’, I told you. We’re family.”

“That might have worked the first time but it doesn’t wash now. Carol your brother, my father, doesn’t want me here and he’s royally pissed off that I am. So why am I here? He didn’t send for me did he?”

Looking much like I did the time Mom caught me using all of her best perfume to scent my bubble bath, Carol says, “No, no he didn’t.”

“Was it you?”

“Yes.”

“Why? Why after all these years. Especially why when it’s so obvious that he hates me?”

“Oh darlin’ he doesn’t hate you, there’s something else goin’ on there and I’m not sure what it is. As to why after all these years, well, I just learned about you a year ago myself.”

“What? How?”

“Your mamma. She got in contact with us. It turns out she had been trying to reach us for some time, but your daddy wouldn’t call her back.

See we, none of us, knew about you. When your daddy moved back here he was different, darker. As much as we all tried, he would never talk about what happened and he never mentioned you.

When your momma got sick, and when she realized she wasn’t going to get better, she felt you should be with family.

Your daddy was off up north on some business when a registered letter came. Thinking it was something to do with the ranch, I opened it and it was a letter from your mamma. I called her right away and that first time, I think we talked for hours. That was also the first time I heard about you. Anyway, I agreed with your momma that you needed to be with family so I promised that I’d do all I could to get your daddy to take you in.

Well, here you are.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to make of all of this. I was staring down at my feet trying to take in all I had just heard.

“Um, so he really never wanted me here, I’m only here because he’s being forced to take me.”

Taking a shaky breath I say, “Ok, that’s ok. If I can use your phone tomorrow, I need to call the storage company so they don’t ship my stuff out here. Um, I’ll also need to call Mom’s lawyers to see what I need to do to move back there. I, ah I guess I’ll need to get a plane ticket or something too. Ah . . .”

“Oh darlin’ no, no darlin’ no.” And the next thing I know I’m wrapped in Carol’s arms and it’s taking everything I have not to cry. I feel like a guitar string wound too tight, I’m that wound up.

“This is where you need to be darlin’. Give it time, give him time. Please sweetie, I haven’t known you for even a whole day and I already care so much for you. Don’t go darlin’, please. Give it time, please?”

My hands are clinched so hard my nails are cutting into my palms. It’s taking everything I have to hold myself together.

“I, I can’t call anyone tonight. L-let me think, think on it. Ok? Right now, I’d really like to be alone. P-please?”

“Sure, but I’m just on the other side of the door if you need me. I’m here for you Angel.”

After Carol leaves and closes the door, I go over to my pack and pull out the picture I have of Mom and me when were visiting Ellis Island. We had a stranger on the ferry take it for us. We’re up against the rail with the Statue of Liberty behind us and we’re hugging each other. It was just before Mom told me about the cancer.

I take it and hugging it to my chest I curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep. It takes a long time.

Chapter 8

All my life I’ve had nightmares and they’ve always been variations of the same one. See there are these creatures that are made out of blackness and they kind of look like a sheet flapping in the wind. In fact, there’s been any number of times that on seeing a dark sheet drying on a close line I would freeze in place with fear. These things fly along by flapping and I know, just know that if they reach me and cover me, I’ll die. I call them black flyers.

It used to be that they’d remain in the background of my dreams or while I’m awake I’d catch them out of the corner of my eye. About the time that I started being a girl full time, they got bolder in my dreams and would come closer to me. All they touched in my dreams died. If for instance I was dreaming about let’s say a field of flowers, they would show up and wherever they passed, the flowers would wither and die. While awake, I’d just catch them moving out of the corner of my eye but when I turned my head they’d disappear.

Maggie my therapist tells me they aren’t real, that they’re just a manifestation of the fear I feel in transitioning. I don’t think so, but she’s supposed to be the expert.

Since Mom died, they’ve been bolder. I haven’t told anyone about the change in their behavior, figuring that they’ll just attribute it to my being upset about Mom dying. Maybe they’d be right. They feel real to me.

One time a black flyer just brushed by me, lightly touching my arm in my dream. I cried out and when I woke up, my arm was cold and numb and I could hardly move my fingers for the first hour or so after waking.

When I have a black flyer nightmare, I know I’m dreaming. I know it, but I can’t wake up. Tonight I have another, and there are more of them in it.

It’s bad. I’m running down deserted streets. In the deepest shadows, eyes appear and follow me as a run. Looking back I catch movement flitting from shadow to shadow, getting closer and closer no matter how hard I run. Soon there are others on either side of me and they start to move closer.

Weeping in fear, I turn down a street only to find that it’s a dead end. I stop and when I turn, the exit to the street is completely blocked by the flyers. As they flit closer and closer I retreat until my back is to a cold wet wall.

They continue to get closer and I’m cowering, whimpering in fear. A large rat darts across the alley but is caught by one of the shadows. There’s a high pitched squeal then nothing. When the shadow retreats the rat is laying there dead. Its once bloated body shriveled and wrinkled. That’s what is going to happen to me, I just know it. Occasionally a tendril like a finger of black smoke will whip out closer to me, making me flinch. I can feel that these creatures enjoy my terror. Each whimper, each cry makes them stronger but I can’t stop. They take pleasure in tormenting me.

There is a flyer, larger than the others and as it approaches the others give way. It towers over me and I know that it is preparing to cover me; I know that I’m going to die this time. But just as it seems that it is going to strike, I hear the sound of a crow. The sound seems to make them recoil. Each caw makes them flinch and pull back a bit more.

No longer are they pressing in on me quite so close. Unbelievably, they begin retreating. The sound of the crow is getting closer. The cawing of the bird is mixing with the whimpers coming from me.

The next thing I know, there is a large black bird between me and the black flyers, its blue-black feathers glitter in the subdued lighting. The cawing of the bird sounds almost like a challenge. The shadows retreat and finally disappear.

The bird turns towards me, one shiny black eye looking me over. It hops upon my shoulder and the terror that fills me lessens. Its large beak preens my hair and soon my whimpering stops.

It almost seems to me that I hear the crow whispering to me as normal sleep finally takes over.

Part 3

Chapter 9

I wake up feeling safe and warm. I’m under the covers and there’s someone under there with me. After a second or two to gather my thoughts, I realize it must be Carol.

She’s beginning to stir, that may be what woke me up, and she is slowly pulling her arm from around me. I can tell she is trying to not wake me so I just lay still. She must have covered me up and joined me when I had my nightmare. Is she my crow from the dream? Is that why things changed?

I watch through slitted eyes as she gets up and re-tucks the covers around me. She then leans down and kisses me on my forehead and tiptoes back to her room.

After she leaves, I just lay there thinking. What am I going to do? I really don’t want to go back to New York and the group home. Heck, I don’t even know if that’s possible now. Father sure doesn’t want me here, but Carol does. I really like her too. If it wasn’t for Bill, I’m not sure if I can continue to call him father, if it wasn’t for him, this wouldn’t be so bad.

As I lay there trying to figure out my options, I slowly fall back asleep.

The sound of an overly enthusiastic song bird wakes me back up. Opening my eyes I look out the window and see a lovely little garden. The sun is well up and looking at my watch, I see it’s just past nine-thirty.

I get out of bed and snap up my jeans and slip on my sneakers. I notice that while I slept, Carol must have put the remainder of my stuff away. The picture of Mom and me is on the side table next to the bed.

I go into the bathroom and am greeted by a frightful sight. Last night I hadn’t braided my hair before bed and I now look like I’ve spent the night with my finger in the wall socket.

Sighing, I grab my brush and start the tedious process of getting all the knots out of my hair. With a short break to answer nature’s call, I finally get my hair all unknotted and in a braid just before ten.

With my stomach growling, I head off to the kitchen in search of food and Carol.

When I get there I start looking around to see if I can’t find some cereal or toast or something. As I’m looking through a cupboard, a strange voice from behind me says, ”May I help you find something?”

Startled, I spin around and am greeted by a young lady with ginger colored hair pulled back in a bun and wearing a yellow tank dress.

“Oh, um, I was just looking for something to eat.”

“You must be Angel. I’m Judy and I do most of the cooking and general housework around this zoo. Carol told me you’d be sleeping in a bit, that you had a busy day yesterday. So what can I fix you?”

Judy is very pleasant and her smile is infectious. Returning it, I say, “Just a bit of toast would be nice. Thank you.”

“If you want, there’s juice in the fridge. Will an English muffin be ok? Oh and glasses are in that cabinet.”

Getting a glass, I tell her an English muffin would be nice and I get my juice. Noticing a jar of orange marmalade, I grab that too.

“Do you happen to know where Carol is?”

She should be down by the birthing barn. It’s just past the big barn if you’re going down there.”

“Birthing barn?”

“Yea, we have a separate facility for when the mares are about to foal. The stalls are larger and easier to work in. There is a couple about to drop any time now.”

Judy hands me my toasted muffin and I spread the marmalade all over it. Taking a bite, I’m thinking that this is really good marmalade. It looks to be home made.

Finishing up, I hand Judy my plate and thank her.

“Lunch in two hours, let them know down there will you? They tend to lose track of time sometimes.”

“I will. Thank you again Judy.”

I step out onto the porch and immediately go back inside, it’s darn chilly out there, and bright. I run back to my room and grab my jacket and sunglasses.

Back outside, I start off the porch and down the hill to the barns. Looking off to my left I see horses in the near pasture. I’ve always loved horses, not that I’ve had a lot of experience around them. There aren’t that many in New York City, but I think all girls at least go through a stage where they’re horse crazy.

I decide to detour to the fence line, hoping that I can entice one of the horses nearer. They’re beautiful animals. They all are different colors but they all also have spots, some have them all over, most just on their hindquarters.

As I walk along, something hits me lightly on the shoulder. Looking around, I don’t see anything and continue on my way. I climb up on the fence and start to make clicking noises hoping to get one of the horses to come over. As I’m sitting on the fence, again something strikes me on the shoulder. Looking down, I see a small pebble land in the grass.

I look around but there is no one around and there isn’t anywhere for someone to hide either.

I get entranced watching two horses play with each other. It looks like they’re playing tag. One will chase the other, then they’ll switch. The next thing I know, Carol is next to me.

“Fun to watch aren’t they?”

“Yes they are. It looks like they’re having a fun time.”

“Horses are very sociable animals. They love to play and I find them very smart, especially ours. Appaloosas are one of the smartest of the breeds, and ours have a good bit of Arabian in them too.”

“So these are Appaloosas.”

“Yes ma’am, and some of the finest you’ll find anywhere, if I do say so myself.”

Carol is giving me another of her mega watt smiles and I can’t help but smile back.

“Oh, Judy wanted me to remind you that lunch is at noon and that’s not that far off.”

Chuckling Carol says, “She is constantly after us for missing meals.”

At that point something hits me right on top of my head.

“Hey!” And I spin around. Nothing there.

“What’s wrong Angel?”

“I keep getting hit with stuff but no one is there.”

We’re both turning and looking around when something drops right in front of me. Looking up, there’s this crow on the light pole over our heads.

“I think it’s that crow. I just saw something fall from there.”

“That’s no crow, that’s Edgar. He’s a raven.”

“Edgar?”

“We have a few ravens around here on the ranch. This one is Edgar and he’s a little prankster. Aren’t you Edgar?”

The raven lets out a “kraa, kraa” and flies off.

“So what’s the difference between a crow and a raven?”

“Well a crow is smaller and its feathers are a flat black, the body is rounder too. The raven is quite a bit larger. Its feathers are a glossy blue-black and they’re very intelligent. Some have been taught to talk like a parrot. They’re very lucky birds to have around.

My animal spirit guide is the raven.”

“Animal spirit guide?”

“You know we’re part American Indian right?”

“No, but it does explain a lot now that you mention it.”

“Ok, well we are. We’ll get deeper into family history later; in fact Daddy would be best for that. If he ever shows back up that is. Anyway, in part of our culture is the spirit guide. Mine is the raven, your father has the fox as his and Daddy’s is the wolf.”

“Do I have one?”

“I’m sure you do, the trick is finding it. Daddy can help with that.”

“Where is he?”

“Oh he’s off up in the hills communing with nature. He should show up here any time.”

“So why is Edgar hitting me with rocks?”

“Oh they aren’t rocks, just little ‘ol pebbles. It’s just his way of saying howdy and welcome. He obviously likes you. Give it some time and he’ll even eat from your hand.”

There’s a “toc, toc, toc” sound coming from the tree where Edgar flew to.

“Come on; let me give you the nickel tour.”

As we head off down towards the barn, I start thinking about last night’s nightmare. I’m assuming now that it wasn’t a crow but a raven in my dream and that Carol is the raven. But how did she get into the dream? That’s never happened before.

Before I can think any more on this we get to the main barn and Carol is explaining everything she can to me. When we were done, my head is spinning. There are several barns and as to livestock, well the main business is raising horses and cattle (not cows as I was reminded). We also have chickens, goats; we do have a couple of cows, also some pigs, a large vegetable garden and the list keeps going on. It’s going to take some time to process everything.

Our place is part of a regional coop apparently. By several ranches combining through a coop both our buying and selling power is increased. We also share grazing land and help each other out during round ups and such.

It’s all a bit over my head.

By time we were done with the tour its lunch time, so we swing by the barns to remind everyone that lunch is ready. We then go up to the house and to a wing of the house that I hadn’t been shown yet. It’s a huge hall with enough table space for about thirty people.

“Wow Carol, how many people work here?”

“Right now, only ten, including family. There are times when we’ll have as many as twenty-five or thirty on the payroll and others as few as five or six.

Come on, it’s serve yourself and first come, first served. If you’re too late you get the scraps and might have to fight the pigs for it.”

Chapter 10

After a great lunch of pulled-beef sandwiches and potato salad, I ask Carol if we can visit the birthing barn.

“After our errands, I noticed you don’t have any suitable boots or jeans for that matter. I thought we’d run into town. We also need to pick up a package and a couple other little things. Let’s go get our purses and get this done, then we can go down to the barn. Maybe Selma will be back by then. I want you to meet her; she’s our vet and one of my best friends.”

An hour later we were in the thriving community of Montrose. After living all my life in New York City, some of these towns look absolutely tiny. Montrose is a nice little place though and I have yet to see any scenery that you could complain about. I guess my only complaint is its so darn ‘open’ around here. I’m used to being able to only see a couple of blocks, out here you can see for miles. It doesn’t feel natural somehow.

Our first stop is the western store. It’s not quite like the stores back east. Here you can get anything from clothing to gear for your horse. The first thing we do is find me some boots.

I found out earlier that running shoes are not suitable for wearing around a barn or any large animals. I'm having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of what exactly I stepped in. Eww, gross. Carol just laughed at me and my 'shake the poo off the shoe' dance.

So I end up getting a nice rough out pair of Tony Lamas cowboy boots in grey. Then off to find me some jeans. These range from a looser fitted blue jean to some that are a bit more form fitting, two of these are in grey denim and fit me like a second skin.

As I’m checking out the fit of these jeans in the mirror, Carol starts to chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are, you’re preening like a peacock.”

“Hey, I might not be an Amazon goddess like you but I’ll be the first to admit that I have a nice ass. I figure if you got it, flaunt it.” I start giggling along with Carol.

“Well you got it, and you sure are flaunting it, and I am not some Amazon goddess.”

“I take it you’ve never actually looked in any mirrors then. Carol, I could be dancing on the tables topless and in a g-string and if you were there too, no one would even look at me. Don’t give me that false modesty act, you know good and well that you’re beautiful.”

“Yea, maybe so darlin’ but I wouldn’t be so sure about you not getting noticed if you were dancing topless in a g-string. You’re no slouch in the looks department yourself.”

“Let’s face it Carol, we’re just too damn good looking, all the other women don’t have a chance with us around.”

That gets us giggling all over again.

After deciding on the jeans, Carol picks me out some western style shirts; some for work, some more ‘fancy’ as Carol says. One is very cute. It’s pale pink with white piping and grey pearl snaps. Still, this whole 'country' look is new to me and is going to take a bit of getting used to.

When we have everything, Carol says, “One last stop. No self-respecting cowgirl would be complete without a hat. You’re going to need a straw one for the summer and a felt one for winter and get togethers and all.”

So I got the hats too and now look like a true western gal. At this statement Carol starts to laugh.

“What?”

“Darlin’, you aren’t there yet but you’re getting there. It’s a start at least.”

After loading my stuff in the back seat of the truck and giving Carol a stern glare for even suggesting we put my stuff in the bed of the truck, we head over to pick up Carol’s package.

With all that done, we run in to the ice cream shop for a couple of cones then head on back to the ranch.

Chapter 11

We get on back to the ranch and unload all my new plunder. I’m just finishing putting away the last of it when Carol calls me into our sitting room. In front of her is the opened package and she’s just finishing up reading a letter.

“What’s up?”

“Here, read this,” and she hands me the letter. It’s from my Mom.

Dear Carol and my sweet Angel,

By now the two of you have met and I bet there are a ton of questions. Hopefully this package will answer them for you.

Please watch the video on the enclosed CD first and please do so together. It will explain much.

Thank you again Carol for all you are doing, and please take care of my baby for me.

Angel, my sweet little girl, I love you so. I do so hope you and Carol get along, she seems like one of the good ones. I’m sorry I never got the chance to meet her in person.

Take care of yourself baby and always know that I love you and will be looking over you.

Forever, Mom

With tears running down my face I whisper, “I love you too Mom, I miss you so much.”

Suddenly Carol is there and holding me while I finish crying.

“Darlin’, want a suggestion?”

“What’s that?”

“Let’s watch this tonight after dinner. I reckon neither one of us will feel up to much of anything afterwards. That way we can just go to bed afterwards.”

“That’s probably not a bad idea. I can probably guarantee that I’m going to be pretty worthless after wards, especially if Mom is on the video.”

“Ok then, that’s what we’ll do. For now though, let’s go on down to the birthing barn. I want to check on the mares and introduce you to some people.”

“Ok.”

“First though, I can’t let you go out looking like that. Go on and blow your nose and wash your face then meet me in your room.”

“Am I that bad?” I say smiling.

“Hmm, you’re moderately splotchy. You seem to get that way when you cry.”

“The curse of a fair complexion. I’ve always been that way.”

I go into the bathroom and blow my nose and give my face a quick wash. Looking at myself in the mirror I figure I could do with a bit of color so I quickly put on a bit of blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of mascara. Satisfied, I go back out to my room.

Carol’s there and hands me a bag. Inside is a tooled leather belt with silver and turquoise on it and a big silver buckle with a large polished turquoise in the center. Also in there is silver hat band.

“Carol, these are so nice, thank you.” I go and give her a big hug. “Thank you for everything, not just these.”

“You’re welcome darlin’, that ought to complete the look for ya. The hat band is for your good hat. Grab your straw one and let’s get.”

I put the belt on and grab my hat and off we go.

Once outside, we make our way down to the birthing barn. During my tour we went by it but didn’t go in.

Inside there are only six stalls and a couple larger areas. Currently there are three stalls occupied. There’s a group of people at one of the stalls, one of them is father dear. He turns at our entrance but turns right back with his back to us after a quick sneer.

“Well hon, as you can see, we have six large stalls here but we can actually handle up to ten in a pinch. We haven’t had to do that yet, knock on wood, but we can if needed. Right now the mares we have in here are Delilah, Molly and Flower. Don’t laugh, we give everyone a chance to name a new foal and as a result we can get some interesting names.

Flower is down there on the end and she’s going to drop just any minute. We’ll check in with Selma when we get down there. Delilah here isn’t due for another week and this bad girl is Molly.”

“Bad girl?”

“Yes. She’s far too old to be dropping a foal but couldn’t seem to say no to men folk. That’s why she’s in here where we can keep a closer eye on her. She isn’t due for another month but at her age we need to keep a close eye on her.

How you feeling Molly girl? Holding up ok?”

Molly comes over to the stall door and sticks her head out. She gives a soft wicker as Carol starts rubbing her between the eyes and up to between her ears.

“She’s beautiful Carol.”

And she is too. Her front, I’d say three quarters, is almost solid black but her rump and hind legs are white with black spots all over.

“Come on over darlin’ and say hello, she won’t bite. Molly doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Do you girl?”

Another soft wicker is Molly’s reply.

Tentatively I go over and hold up my hand. I really feel tiny next to this large animal. Molly puts her nose against my hand and moves it around.

“Oh Carol, it’s like touching velvet. Hey there Molly, my name’s Angel. Can we be friends?”

Like she knew just what I said, Molly bobs her head up and down as if to say ‘yes’.

“Come on, help me out with her. I want to give her a quick look and it looks like she needs to have some fresh water.”

Carol opens the stall door and goes inside.

“Ok girl, back up a bit. Come on Angel, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Despite Carol’s assurances, I do feel nervous as I enter the stall.

“Just talk to her or pet her so she can keep track of you. You’ll be fine.”

“Easy for you to say, if she side steps I’ll be squished like a bug.”

“Nonsense. See, she likes you.”

Molly had turned her head and lowered it and I was giving her a good scratch between the ears.

“Her belly looks so big.”

“Yeah, that’s another reason we have her in here. It looks like she’s going to have a big one. That could mean trouble during the birth.”

“I thought you were leaving.”

Carol and I both turn and there’s father dear at the stall door looking pissed. If looks could kill etcetera.

“Why father dear, whatever gave you that idea? I simply love it here.”

His eyes tighten and it looks like he wants to say something but then stops himself. I just smile at him though I feel scared. There’s a darkness behind his eyes that frightens me.

At my grin, Father steps towards me. I don’t know what he’s going to do because Molly suddenly lets out a deep almost squeal and hits him dead center of his chest with her head.

Father is forced back several steps and has a very surprised look on his face. As he comes forward again, Molly starts to snap her teeth at him like ‘take one more step mister and I’ll remove something important’.

Meanwhile I’ve retreated to the far corner of the stall behind Carol. Father gives me one last weathering glare and storms off.

“What in the blazes was all that?” Says Carol.

Molly, her skin still twitching begins to calm down with Carol rubbing her coat and talking with her. Molly turns her head back to me as if to say ‘you ok?’

“Thanks Molly.” And shakily I move back to her and start to rub her head again.

“She’s never acted like that before; it was like she was protecting you. She and Bill have always gotten along together.”

“What did I do Carol? He’s so angry at me.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong darlin’ but I do know that you didn’t do anything.”

Carol gives me a hug and at that point two other people come up to the stall.

“Carol, what came over Molly here?” Asks the woman.

“I’m not really sure; maybe the pregnancy is putting a strain on her. Selma, I want to introduce you to Angel. Angel, this is my best friend Selma and her brother Fernando. Selma and Fernando keep all the animals around here healthy and happy.”

We all say hello. Selma is a tall very attractive woman of about twenty-five or so. She has dark eyes and dark brown hair just long enough to pull back into a ponytail. Her brother Fernando looks to be in his thirties and is shorter, about five foot nine or ten, but he’s got muscles on his muscles. This guy is the proverbial brick outhouse. He has light brown eyes and a face that looks like it was carved out of granite. He’d be frightening except for his large smile and laughing eyes. His long black hair is in a ponytail almost down to his waist.

“Oh, can I have her Carol? “ Says Fernando looking at me and grinning.

Have me, for what?

“That’s up to her.”

Everyone turns to look at me.

Worriedly I ask, “What? What are you guys talking about?”

“Well Selma isn’t here all the time, she travels a lot to the other ranches and stables in the area. Fernando here has been bugging me for someone to help him to care for the animals and to especially help him out here with the births. If you’re interested, you can help him.”

The thought of helping to care for all these animals is exciting, especially helping to care for the pregnant mares.

“I don’t know how much help I can be. You’re talking to the original city girl here, but I’d like to do what I can to help.”

“Most excellent.” Says Fernando. “Excelent锝 And he gives me a big grin, I give him a nervous one in return. What did I just get myself into?

Chapter 12

We visit the other horses and when we're done, Fernando tells me to check in tomorrow mid-morning and we’ll go over what he wants me to do to help.

Carol and I go back up to the house. Carol has some work to do in her office and I just need some time to sit back and think a bit. An awful lot has happened to me recently.

At the house Carol and I go our separate ways; she to her office and me back to my room to grab my guitar.

Once I have my guitar, I go back out to the front porch and settle into one of the big plush chairs and just idly strum and pick out tunes as I think. There’s country music playing on a radio somewhere so my strumming has a decided country flavor to it.

I’ve been out on the porch for quite some time when I hear, “You’re pretty good.”

Looking up, there’s Judy with a bowl full of grapes and a big glass of lemonade.

Smiling, I say, “Thanks, but I’ve seen good, I’m not there. I’m not bad though but I have to work too hard at it to make it sound ok.”

“Well I think you sound just fine. Here, I thought you might like a snack.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem. Later.”

As I set my guitar down and reach for the grapes, Edgar lands on the railing. “Tock, tock, tock.”

“Well hello Edgar. Done hitting me with stones?”

Edgar turns his head to the side as if he’s trying to figure out what I’m saying. He then proceeds to make little almost chirping sounds. I didn’t think ravens made sounds like these. He’s a funny bird. He’s watching me as I eat the grapes.

“Would you like one? You’ll have to come here if you do.”

I hold a grape out and he gives a little flying hop over to the arm of my chair. As birds go, he’s a big one. Very pretty too.

“Here you go Edgar.”

He gently takes the grape from my fingers. I alternate feeding him then myself. This is so cool.

“So, I guess your last name is Poe.”

“Degas.”

Turning my head, there’s Carol.

“What?”

“His last name is Degas, not Poe. It also looks like you’ve made a friend. Animals really seem to take to you.”

“He’s a neat bird. Why name him Degas?”

“When he first showed up here we were painting one of the barns. He’d land on the wet boards then he’d fly over to Bill’s truck and walk around. He did this several times. Turned the hood of the truck into a nice little piece of artwork so we named him Edgar Degas. Your daddy was not amused. The two of them are constantly going at each other.”

I giggle at the thought of what happened to the truck and father arguing with a bird. As Edgar doesn’t look any the worse for it, I assume that he comes out on top more often than not.

“Carol?”

“Yes darlin’?”

“What do you think we’ll find on the video Mom sent?”

“I don’t know Angel, I haven’t a clue.”

“I don’t think it’ll matter though. I don’t think I can stay here.”

“Now darlin’, why ever not?”

“He doesn’t want me here. It really won’t matter what’s on the video, it isn’t going to change anything. He hates me and he wants me gone. The look on his face in the barn was scary. I actually thought he was going to attack me.

I can’t stay here with him that against me, no matter how much I may want to stay.”

“Oh darlin’, give it some more time. If it doesn’t get better, hell’s bells, I’ll kick him up to the line cabin.”

“What? How can you do that?”

“Darlin’, he may run the day-to-day things here but I own this place.”

“What! I thought this place was his.”

“Nope. The land is passed down through the female line. That’s the way the original deed was written. We don’t make a big production of it ‘cause we tend to see eye to eye on most things. That plus most of these old timers around here want to deal with a fella as opposed to a gal, but the bottom line is I have the final say here, not your daddy. Give me some time, please?”

“Well, it won’t be tomorrow, but I’ll give you as much notice as I can.”

“Fair enough darlin'. Now let’s go on in and get ready for supper.”

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 4

Chapter 13

Dinner is great. I’m thinking of asking Judy if she’ll teach me some cooking. Mom and I would cook basic stuff but really, when you live in New York City with all the fantastic places there to eat, well we ate out more often than not.

Selma and Fernando sit with Carol and I and we talk about what I will be doing with Fernando. I basically will resemble an indentured servant but since I’ll be helping with all the animals, it ought to be bearable.

Father comes in after everyone had sat down, takes one look at me and storms off under his own personal black cloud. I’m not kidding; I swear that he has a black cloud around him that strongly resembles a flyer. When I ask Carol if she sees anything though, she says no. The joys of having an overly active imagination I guess.

When we finished up dinner, Carol and I go back to our sitting room to watch Mom’s video. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. My stomach is all knotted up and I find myself shaking.

Carol loads the CD into the player then joins me. Fortunately these are huge chairs and we both squeeze into one. I end up mostly sitting on Carol’s lap.

“Ready darlin’?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”

Carol presses ‘Play’ on the remote and I find myself silently crying as I once again have Mom speaking to me and saying she loves me.

Hello Carol, hello my Angel. I miss you so much sweetheart and I love you so much. Now you just stop that. The time for tears is past. Now I need to tell you and Carol about your father and I and why we haven’t spoken since he walked out thirteen years ago. Well he didn't walk out, I threw him out. I'll get to that in a minute.

Sweetheart, I hope he isn’t making things too hard for you; you let Carol help you if he is. He wasn’t always like that. I first met your father when I was your age. Goodness, thinking of you doing the same thing I did scares me to death. Maybe I was too hard on your grandparents. Yes, they’re still alive but I’ll get to them later in another CD that you'll receive soon. We were talking about your father.

So there I was, sixteen years old, going to a boarding school in Virginia and thinking I had all the answers in life. There was a short school break and I was staying at a friend’s house when your father showed up. He was back East buying horses. Heck, he was only eighteen himself, but carried himself so much older.

Well we met and if he hasn’t changed too drastically I’m sure you can see how handsome he is and was to me. We ended up falling head over heels in love and ran off and got married. The result of that was me being disowned by your grandparents and having you. The first made me sad and the second has been the source of my greatest joy.

We were deliriously happy and nine months after we said ‘I do’ you were born. At first your father was very happy; after all, he had a son which is what he wanted. But things didn’t stay that way.

You were such a beautiful baby. Very tiny, but healthy, and you had the brightest blue eyes and of course your silky white hair and pale, pale skin. In time your eyes turned to grey, but your hair never darkened. We decided right away that we wanted another child, but despite all of our efforts we didn’t have any luck.

We finally decided that we would see a specialist; the greatest mistake we made was to see the guy we did. He determined that your father was sterile. This came as a brutal shock. After all, we had you, how on earth could he be sterile? Your father was the only man I ever slept with honey. There was never anyone before him or after for that matter.

But the news changed your father. It changed him drastically. He turned into a completely different person. He got these dark moods and I’d find him glaring at you or me or at the both of us. His looks grew more and more into hate. He accused me of infidelity and said he’d not recognize any bastard child of mine. I pled with him for us to see another doctor but he refused.

One afternoon I came home with you from doing some shopping to find your father in bed with another woman. We argued heavily and I ended up throwing him out when our fighting caused you to cry and he hit you.

Since that day I haven’t spoken of your father and we have never heard a word from him. But Angel, despite all that we went through, I still love the man, at least the man that I married. I guess I always held out some hope that we could get together again someday.

Now as to you, you are his daughter. I’ve included in the package I sent this video in, your complete medical records. These records and the reports included, positively prove that he is your father.

Do you want to know why your hair is white and your skin so pale? Well it’s only because the enzymes in your body don’t produce much melanin. You are not an albino, but the condition is very similar.

You are blood type O negative, so am I. Your father is blood type O positive. That’s a bit of proof, but it only proves that your biological father has to have type O blood, not that Bill is your father. That’s where the enclosed report from the Cambridge Genetics Laboratory comes in. I had the samples we used to test our fertility sent to this lab along with a blood sample from you. The result is in the report but all it says is Bill is your father and I am your mother.

Our inability to have another child? It turns out I have scaring on my uterus that would make conceiving, much less bringing to term a child extremely difficult. You my Angel were a miracle.

Over the years I’ve tried to tell Bill all of this but he has always refused to take my calls or any correspondence from me. Hopefully you two will have better luck.

I love you my sweet Angel. Don’t think that this is the last time you’ll hear from me. I made several of these little videos for you to get over time. You’ll just have to wait and have them as a surprise. Always know though that I’ll be watching over you and that I love you.

Goodbye for now sweetheart. Take care of my baby Carol and bless you.

When the video ends, I just turn my head into Carol’s shoulder and cry. It isn’t the huge racking sobs I’ve done in the past, just gentle crying from missing my Mom. I’m so thankful that Carol is with me. She just holds me and strokes my hair.

Chapter 14

I step off the front porch and the sky is an eerie red. Dark shadows are everywhere and there is no sign of anyone about. There isn’t even any sign of any animals. There’s no horses in the pasture, no birds in the sky. The air is dry and musty and the vegetation looks like it hasn’t been watered in ages.

I start to head down to the barns and when I move I catch the flickering of movement out of the corner of my eyes. Pausing, I’m thinking that maybe I should go back into the house and the light where I’ll be safe. Suddenly I hear the sound of a horse in distress, more than one horse in fact. Going back into the house is no longer an option. I break into a run and the shadows keep pace with me. Other shadows from the fields and the other buildings head to the birthing barn.

Flyers.

The thought of heading to where all the shadows are going fills me with terror, but the sound of the crying horses drives me forward.

Racing into the barn, I find Molly and Flower in the main section of the barn. The flyers have them surrounded and they’re pressing them further into the back of the barn.

Flower is obviously terrified and just as obvious is her impending birth. The flyers are pressing her the hardest, Molly just looks pissed but can hardly move due to being so heavy and pregnant.

My path to the horses is blocked by flyers. Their tendrils of blackness flick out to me like whips. My panic increases and I see that the flyers have managed to separate Flower and Molly from each other. Flower goes down and despite her attempts to fight, Molly is driven back.

I watch in horror as the flyers swarm over Flower’s body, entering her and then the sight of them pulling her foal from her body. With the still born body pulled out, a huge gout of blood follows. At that the flyers fling themselves onto the body of the foal and all over Flower. One heart rending cry more from Flower and her body is still under the mass of flyers.

When the flyers finally move off of Flower, it’s obvious she’s dead. It looks like both she and the foal are just skin over a skeleton, everything else is gone.

I’m weeping and sick over the death of Flower and her baby. My sorrow and fear compete for dominance as a small group of flyers keep me cornered as I watch on. Suddenly the attention of the flyers is directed towards Molly.

Molly is trapped in the corner with the flyers pressing in on her from all sides. Molly’s ears are pressed flat against her head and she looks ready for battle despite her heavy condition.

Whip-like tendrils of black flick out at her and when they land, she cries out in pain but then snaps her teeth towards her antagonists. Suddenly a smaller flyer drops down from above onto her hind quarters. Molly lets out an anguished cry at the flyers touch but then the white in her coat blazes up and the flyer is turned to dust.

The atmosphere changes at this; now I can sense a certain amount of concern coming from the flyers. They can be destroyed.

At the demise of one of their own, the others press closer but now the white in Molly’s coat is glowing brighter and none of the flyers can approach her from that end.

A large flyer comes into the barn and slowly makes its way towards Molly. I’m terrified but the demise of the flyer seems to have allowed me to now think. These creatures can be hurt, killed even. Since this is a dream, maybe, just maybe I can do something.

The light coming from Molly is what destroyed that creature, can I create that light too? As the flyers that are around me really aren’t doing anything but keeping me in one place, I start to concentrate on light, I need to create light.

The large flyer is getting closer to Molly. Despite her courage, I can see fright in Molly’s eyes, I need to do something.

I’m concentrating with all my might but nothing, then the large flyer reaches Molly and a large black tendril whips out and strikes Molly in the chest. She cries out in pain and her legs almost buckle.

I’m trying so hard. I have to do something or I’ll lose Molly too. Tears of fear and frustration blind my eyes as the flyer strikes again and then again. This time Molly’s knees do buckle and in a heartbeat the flyers swarm over her.

NO! Suddenly it’s like a hundred camera flashes go off all at once. The shock of the flash wakes me.

Carol’s with me and trying to hold me and calm me. I’m in a panic as I try to free myself from both the bed covers and her embrace.

“No, Molly’s in danger!”

The next thing I know, I’m running down the hill towards the barn, I don’t remember getting out of bed or making my way through the house.

I reach the barn and fling open the door. The lights are all on and I hear Molly making angry frightened noises in her stall, she’s very upset. In the main portion of the room is Selma and Fernando, standing over the dead form of Flower and her baby, holding each other and crying.

Flower and her baby are just where they were in my dream, the only difference is they both aren’t reduced to much more than skeletons, but where they are laying and all of the blood is the same.

“Oh no.”

Selma and Fernando look up at my entry and exclamation. They both come towards me, trying to keep themselves between me and the bodies, trying to block my view.

“Ah Chiquita, you should not be here.” Says Fernando.

I’m crying as I tell them, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop them, there were too many of them and I didn’t know how to stop them.”

Selma hugs me to her and says, “What are you saying Angel, nothing did this to them. The foal was still born, the cord had wrapped around its neck, and Flower hemorrhaged. It happens honey, you couldn’t have stopped it.”

“But . . . Molly!”

Turning I break away from Selma and run to Molly’s stall. She’s there and she's fine but she's very agitated. As I open her stall door, Carol comes into the barn, out of breath and holding her hand to her head.

As soon as I enter the stall, Molly seems to settle down. I’m stroking her and she’s rubbing her head against me when Carol, Selma and Fernando come up to the stall door.

Selma and Fernando explain what happened to Carol and they huddle at the stall door comforting each other.

I suddenly remember Delilah. “Where’s Delilah?” I was scared that the flyers got to her too.

“Easy Chiquita, she was moved to the other barn. She was making so much noise she was disturbing Flower and Molly.” Says Fernando.

“Darlin’, remind me never to get you mad at me. You tossed me across the room like I was a feather. What on earth happened? One minute you’re crying in your sleep and I’m trying to get you to wake up and the next I’m flying across the room.”

“I, I dreamt this. My nightmare was about these creatures getting Flower and her foal then going after Molly here.”

“Oh, you poor thing. Darlin’, I suspect that you heard Flower. She was makin’ quite a bit of noise in her labor, which probably got all tangle into your dream and turned it into a nightmare.”

Not feeling like trying to explain right now about the nightmares I’ve had all of my life, I just agree.

"Darlin' help me take Molly over to the other barn. We need to get things cleaned up here and she needs to be around other horses. Being here will just upset her more."

"Ok Carol."

Carol snaps a lead rope to Molly's halter but when I go to take a step I almost fall.

Looking down, I notice my bleeding feet.

"Oh my goodness darlin', look what happened to you. You sit right here while I take Molly over to the other barn. You need to stay off of those.

Selma says, "I'll take her Carol. I want to give her a good going over tonight. This has been rather stressful for her and given her condition I don't want to take any chances. You take care of Angel."

"Thank you Selma. Ok darlin', let's get back up to the house. We need to take care of those feet and get you in a new nightgown. How on earth did you rip the back of that?"

Checking out my nightgown I see that indeed it's very loose. The girls are almost completely in view. I quickly get things readjusted and as soon as I do, Carol scoops me up in her arms like I don't weigh anything.

Embarrassed I say, "Carol, you don't have to carry me."

"Darlin' you sure can't walk and it's no bother, you don't weigh more than a mite. Let's go."

As we reach the door, Father comes in. He looks like he's had a real bad night. After giving me a quick glare, he goes over to Fernando.

Chapter 15

Back up at the house, Carol carries me directly to our bathroom and sets me down next to the tub.

"Ok, let's get you out of these clothes and into the tub. So while you're doing that and the tub is filling, I'm going to go get dressed and then go get the first aid kit and we'll deal with those feet after we get them all cleaned up."

"Carol, I'm fine, really."

"Now darlin' don't you even think of arguing with me. You do as I say now, ya hear? I'll be right back."

Sighing and bowing to the inevitable, I pull my nightgown over my head then pull off my panties. Looking at the back of my nightgown I see that sure enough, somehow I must have caught the back on something as it has a couple of rips on the back. Feeling my back, I don't notice any scratches or anything, so I must have just caught the nightgown. Poo, that was my favorite one too. Maybe it can be fixed.

Just as I ease myself into the hot water, Carol returns with a small first aid kit.

"Here darlin', let me help you." Carol steadies me as I sink into the water.

"Ok, let me see one of those feet."

She takes a foot and looks it over. "Well, it looks like you ran across some thorns. Hold on a sec and I'll pull them out. This will probably sting a bit darlin'. Sorry, can't be helped."

I grit my teeth as Carol pulls the thorns out of my feet. With that done I let them soak in the water as I wash up.

"Here, let me do your back."

Carol washes my back and I feel like I'm back with Mom. She used to do this too.

"I think I'm jealous of you. I haven't seen a single freckle, mole or blemish anywhere on you."

"Well Mom always had me put lotion on daily. I tend to burn real easy so it's a must. That's probably why."

"You're probably right, still your skin is amazing. Ok, all done. Let's get you out and dry so we can bandage up those feet."

Carol helps me out and as soon as I'm dry, Carol goes to pick me up.

"Carol, my legs aren't broken, I can walk."

"Yea, but I don't want blood on the floor."

"Oh, alright."

Again, Carol lifts me like I don't weigh anything and carries me in the bedroom. Plopping me down on the bed, she starts to examine my feet.

"Well this is downright peculiar."

"What is?"

Grabbing my other foot she says, "Your feet, I can't find any sign of your injuries."

"Well they're still a little tender, maybe being in the water swelled the skin enough to close things up."

"Hmm, maybe. It's still peculiar, mighty peculiar. Well if that's the case, then they might start bleeding again once the swelling goes down. I'll just put some cream on them and wrap them up for now and we'll check them later."

A few minutes later my feet are wrapped up and in some comfy socks.

"There ya go, that should hold things for now. How do they feel?"

"Fine, thanks again Carol. Carol, do you think the tears in my nightgown can be fixed?"

"I'll take a look at it. Now then where's another nightgown? You aught to get back into bed and at least try to get a bit more sleep. It's just past four in the morning."

"Oh I don't think I can get back to sleep at this point. If nothing else my stomach is growling thinking it's time for breakfast. I'm just going to get dressed and fix a bite to eat. Don't mind me."

"Well, I'll keep you company then"

I get dressed and we both head on down to the kitchen.

As we're eating I really feel the need so I tell Carol about my dreams. After explaining that I've had them all my life and how they've been changing lately and then going into detail about last night's dream, I ask, "So, you think I'm crazy?"

"No darlin' I don't. Now they might just be dreams and then again they might be something more. I just don't know. I wish Daddy would get back, this is more in his line than mine."

"What do you mean?"

"I keep forgetting you wouldn't know, Daddy's a medicine man. If anyone would be able to get to the bottom of your dreams, he would. Unfortunately, I'm not sure when he's getting back and I have no way to get in touch with him.

I'll give some people a call and let them know we're looking for him. He'll hear about it soon enough. Now, since neither one of us will be able to sleep now, let's finish up breakfast and take some coffee on down to the barn. There's going to be a lot of work to do down there.

I don't want you in the birthing barn 'till we get it cleaned up but do you think you could help out in the main barn?"

"I'd like that."

"Good, let's finish up then."

After finishing up our breakfast, we fix a large batch of coffee and take it in a couple of thermoses on down to the barn. Carol goes on into the birthing barn and I head into the main barn.

Chapter 16

Going into the main barn, I see a low light on down at the end of the bay. Reaching the end stall, I find Selma with Molly.

"Hey Selma. How's Molly doing?"

"Oh, hello Angel. She's awfully jittery but otherwise ok. Horses are very sociable animals and the death of one tends to upset the others. That's why we moved Molly in here. After they get the birthing barn cleaned out and aired for the day, we'll move Molly and Delilah and probably a couple of the other mares back over."

"Oh, ok. I have some coffee here if you'd like some."

"Bless you Angel. I'm about spent."

"Here you go. Do you know what happened to Flower?"

"Thanks hon. No, she hemorrhaged, we do know that but as to why exactly she hemorrhaged, well I wont know that until I can do a post-mortem. It sometimes happens during birth. It's very sad, this was Flowers first pregnancy.

Say, can you stay here and keep Molly calm for a bit? I'd like to go and check on Delilah."

"Sure, I don't mind."

"Thanks. If you need me, I'll just be down at the other end."

After Selma leaves, I get down the brush from just outside the stall and go in and start to brush Molly. She's calmed down considerably and leans her body into the brushing.

"Like that do you? Well if you keep leaning into it like that, you're going to squish me between you and the wall here."

Almost like she understands me, Molly stops leaning so hard.

"I'm not sure what happened last night girl, but I think it was real, or at least almost real. You showed me that those things can be killed. I just hope I can learn how to do that on demand.

I don't know why no one else sees them though. But you do, don't ya girl?"

Molly just turns her head and blows warm air into my hair.

Smiling at Molly, I hear the door to the barn open. Sticking my head out of the stall, I see Selma just leaving Delilah's stall as Carol comes in.

I see Selma turn her head towards me but I don't think she can see me as the corner I'm in is in shadow.

When they meet they hug each other and then . . . . kiss? One of the horses kicks a stall and they quickly separate.

Interesting. This may explain why Carol is so understanding of me. Why are they so jumpy about being found out though? Hmmm, I'll have to think on this.

I go back to Molly and am giving her a good scratch between the ears when Selma and Carol come up.

"Hey darlin', how are you and Molly getting along?"

"She's a greedy gus isn't she? I've about worn my fingers down to the bone and she keeps demanding more."

"She's certainly calmed down around you that's for sure" says Selma. "You seem to have a way with animals."

"I like them, maybe they can tell."

"I'm sure they can. If you aren't doing anything here, Fernando thought he'd start you off early. He'll be by in a bit. He says that you'll start off riding and to make sure that you're dressed properly."

"Riding? Me? Oh I don't know about that. I mean, I've never been on a horse before, at least if you don't count the times I rode the carousel."

Both Carol and Selma are laughing at me.

"Darlin' you'll be just fine, trust me."

"If you say so, but I hope you have a saddle with a built-in ladder."

"We'll start you off on Sugar Plum, he's small, sure footed and as gentle as can be."

"He? Sugar Plum is a he?"

"Told you we get creative with the names here."

Laughing they lead me over to another stall with a small bay horse with a white rump with brown spots. Small is relative, compared to other horses he may be small, compared to me, he's still big.

Handing me a lead rope, Selma tells me to bring him on out so we can get him saddled up.

Entering the stall, we eye each other.

"Ok Sugar Plum, you and I are going to be friends, right?"

My reply is a flick of his ear. Snapping the lead rope to the halter I bring him on out of the stall.

Selma tells me, "Just snap the other end of the lead to that ring and we'll get him all saddled."

After doing as she tells me, we then go into the tack room for the bridle and saddle.

Selma grabs a set and hands it to me and I can barely lift it, much less carry it. She then proceeds to grab a second set and says, "come on, we'll have them saddled and you riding in no time."

Wonderful. Following after Selma, struggling with this saddle and bridle, we go back out to the main part of the barn.

Carol is out there with a large buckskin.

"Hey, I thought you guys just had appaloosa's here."

Carol says, "Oh this is Fernando's baby. This is Diablo."

"Um, doesn't that mean 'devil'?"

"Yea, but he's not bad, just high spirited. Aren't you baby?"

To which Diablo tries to bite Carol. She easily moves out of the way and smacks him on the snout.

With a glare, Carol says, "now don't you go making me out to be a liar. I have friends at the glue factory and they'd love you."

They glare at each other for a bit until Diablo looks away.

Laughing, Selma proceeds to saddle Diablo and Carol comes over to help me.

"Let me help you with that darlin'"

Gratefully letting her take the saddle from me I say, "I take it there weren't any short cowboys."

"Actually, there were."

"Fine, I admit it, I'm a wimp."

Giggling Carol says, "We just need to toughen ya up is all. You'll be saddling and riding all by yourself in no time. Now here, watch what I do."

Carol then proceeds to give me the 'How to Saddle Your Horse For Dummies' lesson. It actually doesn't look that hard if you have the horses’ cooperation, without that cooperation, I really don't think I'll be able to do this. Maybe if I end up riding a Shetland pony, maybe.

We finish up just about the time that Fernando comes into the barn.

" Buenos dias Seá±oritas. Is everything ready?"

Selma says, "Just about, why don't you take this shovel head of yours out and work some of the sass out of him while I go get the saddlebags."

"Buena. Come on baby."

Selma goes back to the tack room and Carol says, "Come on darlin', you're going to want to see this."

We take Sugar Plum and follow Fernando out of the barn. Once outside, Fernando quickly steps into the saddle and Diablo starts to buck. It looks just like something out of a rodeo. Diablo is twisting and turning, jumping and kicking up is legs. This goes on for a couple of minutes then just like throwing a switch, Diablo settles down and Fernando comes back over and slides off of his back.

"Ah, that woke me up. So Chiquita, you ready?"

"Um, I don't think I can do that."

"Not to worry, this is just how Diablo and I say hello to each other. Your little Sugar Plum is very placid."

"Ok. If you're sure."

Carol comes over and helps me up. It feels different being up here. Nerve racking comes to mind right off.

Carol is explaining how to hold the reigns and how to control the horse. Fernando is adding his comments too. I'm only catching about every other word as I'm trying to think calming thoughts at Sugar Plum.

"Um, you guys, maybe this isn't the best idea."

"Darlin', you'll be just fine. Fernando won't let anything happen."

"Ok, if you're sure."

Selma comes back out and she's carrying several bags.

"Ok Angel, in this bag is a snack and some water, along with some other items that come in handy. In this bag is a radio and a GPS unit. Whenever anyone goes out on the ranch, they need to carry both."

She attaches the larger bag with the water and snack to the back of the saddle and the smaller one hooks right over the saddle horn.

With a parting "have fun" from Carol and a "see you at lunch" from Selma, Fernando and I are off.

After we get past the fence line, Fernando turns to me and asks, " ¿Habla usted espaá±ol?"

I shake my head at him and reply, "Parlez-vous français?"

Smiling he says, "looks like we're stuck with English, eh Chiquita?"

Smiling back I say, "I'm not a banana, why do you keep calling me 'Chiquita'?"

"Oh, Chiquita means 'petite' and after all, you are."

For all of his gruff exterior, with his perpetual smile and laughing eyes, it's hard not to smile around this guy.

"So, where are we going?"

"I like to ride around to various parts of the ranch to check on the general welfare of the animals. Selma is our vet and a very good one too, but my job is to spot problems and illnesses before they get bad. She is the doctor, but we all know that most of the work is done by the nurse, no? I am the nurse to all of the animals on the ranch. Also, if we come across anything else that Bill or Carol need to know about, I make note of it so someone can deal with it, a broken fence or a fouled water hole, anything like that. If it's simple enough, I deal with it myself."

"So you're kind of a jack of all trades around here."

"Sá­ that is it."

"Fernando, why is it that your sister has no accent but you have a very strong one?"

With no accent at all he says, "I'm lazy, and it is how I'm used to speaking, that plus when people look at me they expect to hear an accent, so I give it to them."

Smiling at each other, we continue our ride.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

Part 5

Chapter 17

As we continue our ride, Fernando explains the running of the ranch and all that they do. I'm impressed by how beautiful this area is. The mountains surround us and I can't describe the feeling I have being out here. I'm also impressed by Fernando's strength. I'm convinced that if Diablo hurt his leg, Fernando wouldn't have any trouble carrying him back to the barn.

At one point we come to a part of the fence that has had a sizeable boulder roll down the hillside into it. To repair the fence, the boulder needs to be moved. Given the size, I assume that at the very least we're going to need to tie a rope to it and have the horses pull on it. Well Fernando just hops on down, plants his feet and reaches under the boulder then smoothly rolls it out of the way. I am suitably impressed.

After the boulder is out of the way, we quickly nail the fencing back up. As we ride, Fernando tells me about the duties he wants me to do and I ask endless questions back.

When we're about two and a half to three hours out and beginning to head back, Fernando stops us at a small creek. We stay up on the horses but let them graze and drink a bit while we eat our snack.

Just as we're finishing up, Fernando points up to some birds that are circling not too far away.

"What are they?"

"Vultures, something died recently or is dying. Let's go check it out."

Riding over, we pass a number of steers. Fernando makes it quite clear that these are not cows by the way. In about fifteen minutes, we find what is attracting the vultures, a recently killed steer.

Fernando gets down and looks over the carcass and around the site.

"There's a cat around."

"Cat? As in mountain lion?"

"Sá­, keep a very close eye out while I call back to the ranch."

Fernando pulls out the radio and GPS unit and calls back to the ranch. He's talking to someone, explaining what we found while looking all around. I'm trying to see every which way at once. Fears of being pounced upon motivate me to look hard.

Fernando finishes up his call and sees how nervous I am.

"Chiquita, look to Sugar Plum and especially Diablo. They have far better senses than we do and they are relaxed. I believe that we scared it off when we approached. It will return as soon as we leave.

We must return to the ranch now. This is troubling news. This cat is new to this area. If it continues to kill our stock, we will have to hunt it. Fortunately it will not be for me to do that. Let's go."

Around two hours later, we reach the ranch house. Fernando leads us straight to the main barn and hands Diablo over to one of the ranch hands to take care of. He then goes off with my father to discuss the mountain lion.

I’m looking forward to getting off of Sugar Plum. It’s been real fun riding, but I’ve been doing it for almost six hours. My butt is sore and I really need to pee.

Bringing Sugar Plum over to some bales of hay, I swing off and promptly fall right on my butt. My legs completely give out on me.

One of the ranch hands comes over and helps me up and I promptly sit right back down on the hay. Chuckling, he leads Sugar Plum away.

I hadn’t realized how bad my legs had gotten. I’m really not sure how well I can stand.

After about fifteen minutes I finally am able to get up and slowly make my way up to the house and to my room. My legs and hips are in agony.

Once in my room, I strip off my clothes and literally crawl into the bathroom. I get the water in the tub going as hot as I can and slip into it.

Oh. My. God. I may never walk again. The hot water feels wonderful however and it isn’t too long before I doze off.

“Hey there darlin’. Careful you don’t drown in there.”

Opening my eyes I see Carol smiling down at me.

“It would solve any number of problems though. I think I’m a cripple now.”

“Let me help ya. We should have started you out a bit slower. If you were going to do the grand tour, we probably should have used one of the mules.”

“How would a mule be better than a horse? They seem close enough alike to not make a difference to me.”

“I was referring to one of the little ATV’s we have. We call them mules.”

“You mean I could have avoided having my legs permanently maimed?”

“Oh posh, you’ll be fine in no time. Let me help you out and we’ll give your legs a little rub then get you down to the kitchen for some food. By tomorrow, you’ll be just fine.”

“We’ll see, I feel like I've been split in half. I’m defiantly going to take you up on the help though. I’m not kidding when I say I don’t think I can stand on my own.”

With Carol's considerable help, I get out of the tub and back into my room. After feeling the pain when I put on my underwear, I decide to forgo jeans and pull on a casual lavender purple dress.

"Ok you, on the bed, face down. I'll give your legs a bit of a rub down then we'll go get lunch."

Moaning I do as she says. When Carol starts to massage my legs however I have to scream into my pillow. My poor muscles really hurt. Soon the pain moves from excruciating to merely unbearable and eventually I think I might be able to walk unassisted.

With my massage done, we walk down to the dinning room. Well Carol walks, I kinda hobble.

Carol has me sit and says she'll be right back. Judy comes over and hands me a sandwich and a bowl of fruit. Giving me a sympathetic smile, she tells me to just call out if I need anything else.

Carol returns with a large glass of ice tea and some ibuprofen. I gratefully accept both.

Chapter 18

After lunch four days later, I'm settling myself on the porch with my guitar. It's been extremely hectic trying to learn all that I can about the ranch and the animals; hectic but fun too.

Who would have thought that a city girl like me would like ranch life so much? Not me certainly. Oh don't get me wrong, I miss the big city a lot. The hustle and bustle, the noise and the energy. The little Armenian restaurant just around the corner where we'd get the best apricot jam anywhere and where the owner always seemed to have a piece of lemon cake or baklava to give me. No, I do miss New York, but I'm learning to love this place too.

Fernando taught me how to drive the 'mules', the little ATV's that they keep around on the ranch and today was the first time I've been able to get back up onto a horse.

I'm fingering a little jazz piece when Edgar shows up. Edgar tends to follow me around a lot.

"Well hello there Edgar, like jazz?"

"Toc, toc, toc."

Giggling at him, I continue while watching him turn his head almost completely upside down. I do a bunch of different fingerings and it seems that Edgar likes the fast paced stuff the best.

Edgar flies off when Judy hurriedly comes out asking me if I've seen Carol or father. I tell her no and without saying anything else she rushes back into the house. Something definitely is up as shortly afterwards father, Fernando and Selma come running up the hill.

Setting aside my guitar, I follow them into the house and back to the office. There Carol is on the phone with someone. She quickly hangs up and turns to us.

"That was Sally Evans. There's a big fire over at the Parker ranch. No word yet on if anyone is hurt or not, but their main barn is completely engulfed and it's spreading to some of the other buildings.

Things are quiet here so I told her to let them know we'll be over as fast as we can to help.

Selma, they're going to need you right away so go ahead and take off now, we'll be shortly behind you. Take Miguel with you.

Bill, call in all the hands, I'll get things ready to move out and when I do, I'll take everyone with me. I want you and Fernando to stay here.

We have a big storm that is expected by the weekend and we also have that cat out there. We need to make sure everything here is ready for both. Fernando, with Delilah and Molly both so close to dropping, I can't have you gone"

Father, Fernando and Selma all take off.

Turning to Judy and me, Carol says, "Judy, make sure the house is ready for the storm. Also if the fire reaches the barracks or the main house, I'm going to offer for them to stay here. Make sure we're ready for them. Angel hon can you help Judy and Fernando?"

"Sure Carol."

"Thanks darlin'."

With that we all head off. I go get my guitar and put it away then find Judy.

She's rapidly packing food into coolers and other carriers.

"Help me get this out to the truck, then well grab some cases of water. The last thing they're going to think about is food but they're sure going to need it."

We quickly get a huge amount of food put together and loaded into Carol's truck just before she heads out.

It was forty-five minutes of chaos and everyone running around and now it's quiet.

When Judy assures me she doesn't need me, I go off to find Fernando.

Chapter 19

I go down to the main barn and find father and Fernando talking. Father gives me his usual glare and says, "You need to stay out of the way. Go up and help Judy."

"Judy doesn't' need me right now and with everyone gone, you need every hand you can get. You don't have to deal with me, I'll work with Fernando."

Before father can say anything, Fernando says, "Good, I can use your help."

Father glares at me again and tells Fernando, "I'm going to go check the near sheds to make sure they're in good shape. Tomorrow I'll go out and check some of the outer ones. The timing on this is terrible but that can't be helped. Let me know if you need my help on anything. See you at dinner."

Father then turns and walks off without another look at me. No loss there.

"Ok Fernando, what can I do?"

"We're not going to move Delilah or Molly over to the birthing barn after all. We'll keep them here but we need to rearrange the stalls to give them more room."

For the next couple of hours I help Fernando rearrange things so Delilah and Molly will have more room. We also feed and water the animals for the night and generally do the work of everyone who took off to help with the fire.

By the time dinner is ready I'm exhausted. After dinner and the promise of an early start, I go off to clean up and go to bed. That night I again dream without nightmares. I haven't had any since Flower and her baby died.

Come morning, I wake to every muscle in my body complaining over the abuse I've been giving it recently. Hobbling into the bathroom, I take a hot shower to try to loosen up then get dressed and head down to the kitchen for some breakfast.

Despite the early hour, Judy is up and gives me a sympathetic smile.

"You look terrible."

"I feel terrible. Every muscle in my body aches. I thought I was in shape but this last week has kicked my, um has really worn me out."

"This should help." And she gives me some ibuprofen.

"Bless you."

After downing them with some orange juice and following that up with some scrambled eggs, I go off in search of Fernando.

I find him in the barn checking out Delilah.

"Morning Fernando. How's our girl doing?"

"I think today will be the day, tomorrow at the latest. I want to stay very close to her, can you look to the other animals on your own?"

"Sure, no problem. Any word from Carol?"

"Si, the fire was very bad. It missed the main house but the stable and barns are completely gone along with many of the out buildings. With the storm moving in, she and the others will be staying there to help tend the stock. I do not envy them.

Your father is out hunting the cat. Yesterday he found two more fresh kills. The signs indicate that it is the same animal but it is not typical mountain lion behavior. There is something very wrong with this one, possibly rabies. That would support the indiscriminate killing it is doing."

"Rabies? Yuck. Well I better get busy. If you need anything, give me a yell."

"Thank you Chiquita. Take a radio with you. With everyone gone, we'll need them."

"Ok."

By lunch time, I had taken care of the morning feeding. With the storm scheduled to hit tomorrow, I also have to make sure that everything is closed up and ready.

After getting myself something to eat, I fix something for Fernando and take it down to the barn.

Judy is down there talking with Fernando when I get there.

"Ah, Chiquita, gracias. We just heard back from your father, he is on his way back. No luck in finding the cat. Judy is going to take some supplies over to the Parker's along with a change of clothes for Carol and Selma. Can you help her load the truck?"

"Sure thing, come on Judy."

"Thank you again. I'll have my lunch then I 'm going to grab a shower and then back to playing nursemaid."

I help Judy load the truck. The sky is getting rather dark and it's not that far past noon.

"Judy, it looks like you better hurry if you're going to beat the storm."

"Maybe I should wait. If I'm not able to get back you guys are going to be awfully short handed."

"Don't worry about it. We have everything buttoned down. Father is on his way back and Fernando and I are here. The only thing we're going to need to do is try to stay dry. If you can't make it back, don't worry."

"I suppose so."

"Go on, they need this stuff and I'm sure that Carol and Selma will appreciate the change of clothes."

"Ok, but you be sure to call if you guys need us."

"We will, don't worry."

Judy takes off and I head back down to the barn. Just as I get there, Fernando comes rushing out.

"Chiquita, have you seen Delilah?"

"No, what happened."

"Maldito. She is not in her stall, the gate is open."

"What! How did that happen?"

"I do not know. I know I closed the stall door."

We quickly split up and look around but there is no sign of Delilah. When I get back to the barn, Fernando is saddling up Diablo.

"I am going out to look for her, get on the radio and tell your father what happened and then call Carol and let her know. She can't have gone far in her condition. I will be back as soon as I can. Don't worry, you will be fine here."

"I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about her."

"She will be fine too."

With that he mounts his horse and is gone. I go into the office and call Carol. I end up getting her voicemail so I leave a message and tell her everything. I also try to call Judy but I don't even get voicemail with her.

Then I get on the radio and try to reach father without success. Ten minutes later, I try him again. This time I get through but there is a ton of static and I can barely make out what he is saying.

Before I can tell him what has happened, he says that his horse threw him and he thinks his leg is broken. The signal is getting weaker but I manage to get the coordinates of where he is. I tell him what has happened here but there isn't any response. I'm not sure if he heard me or not.

I get back on the radio and try to reach Fernando but no luck.

Outside the sky is getting darker, the temperature is dropping and the wind is picking up.

Damn, damn, damn. Reaching a decision, I quickly write a note explaining what happened to father, where he is and that I'm going after him. I grab the big first-aide kit and a heavy coat and head out on one of the mules.

Chapter 20

With the GPS to guide me, I head out on the mule. The wind is blowing and its cold out but no sign yet of rain. The landscape looks surreal, a kind of weird twilight with the clouds letting just enough light through to make everything seem like a different world.

Travel is fairly smooth at first and I can head right towards father's coordinates but after forty-five minutes, I need to start to detour around things that if I were on horseback, wouldn't be a problem.

In another forty-five minutes I'm very near to where father said he was. It's quite a bit darker now with the occasional spot of rain. What light there is has take on a red-orange glow from all of the blown up dust and dirt. The clouds occasionally light up from lightning. Hopefully the lightning will stay up in the clouds and not start striking the ground.

As I take a short break to try to find away around a small wash, I try again to reach father or Fernando on the radio. Heavy static is all I get in reply.

Movement out of the corner of my eye makes me turn but nothing is there. It happens again and again then I suddenly realize that the landscape and the darting shadows are just like the nightmare I had about Flower. This time I'm not dreaming though. Shit.

Unclipping the spot light from the mule, I shine it where I last saw darting shadows. Nothing is there.

Ok, you're under stress, you have an over-active imagination, that's all it is. I keep telling myself this over and over again.

Heading out again I make my way eastward until I find a way across the wash, then I turn back towards where father is supposed to be.

The rain starts at this point and I could wish that it had waited just a bit longer. At least until I got to father. The good thing is the darkness looks a bit more normal now, the bad is the lightning is striking up in the hills and not staying in the clouds. Being hit by lightning would definitely not be a good thing.

As I'm driving along, I'm trying to figure out just what the hell I'm doing out here. First, I'm a city girl, this wild, wild west stuff is for the birds. Second, I'm heading out into a storm to try to rescue a man who hates my guts. Obviously I'm nuts. When I get back, if I get back, I need to have a long call with Maggie about all of this. I'm sure she can find me a nice padded cell somewhere.

I have to creep along as my visibility is very poor now, even with all the lights on this thing. Suddenly I stop as I hear what could only be gun shots. That has to be father and I'm close.

Just as I start to head out again, there's a blinding flash and the immediate blast of thunder as lightning strikes.

Dazed, I pick myself up out of the dirt, checking myself to make sure that I wasn't what was hit by the lightning. Then I realize there shouldn't be dirt and a second ago it was darker than the inside of a hat, now it isn't.

Looking up, everything is dry, the light is an eerie reddish orange and there is no wind. Things aren't just quiet, it's like every sound is muffled. Then the shadows start to move.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I am so screwed. I'm not dreaming I know I'm not, but what happened?

I move back to the ATV and the engine has stopped. I try to restart it but it doesn't even make a click as I turn the key. Trying the radio, I get nothing, not even static. I notice that the GPS unit is not working either.

Shit. I seem to be saying that a lot lately but it seems the most appropriate word. I'm not really sure what is happening but the safest place will probably be with father.

The ATV was pointed right towards where father was supposed to be. Grabbing the first aid kit I start in his direction.

The moving shadows resolve themselves into flyers but at present they're ignoring me. Unfortunately they're going in the same direction that I am.

Making my way around some brush, I come across the body of a dead cow, sorry Fernando, steer. It's nothing but hide over the skeleton. A flyer kill.

Shaking, I make my way past the carcass and head up the hill. Just before reaching the top, I hear two more gun shots. From the sound of them, they're just on the other side.

Rushing the rest of the way up the hill I find where all the flyers were going.

Looking down the hill, I see my father. He's lying down, partially propped up against a fallen tree. All around him are flyers. They appear to be just waiting. Father's head is back and he appears either dead of unconscious.

I've never been more scared in my life as I begin to make my way down the hill.

Although this feels real, I know it can't be. This must be a dream, it just has to be. And being a dream, maybe I can do the light trick that Molly did.

I keep trying to make light as I go down the hill. As I approach the flyers, they part and let me pass. There's no light so why are they making way for me?

I reach father and see that he is breathing. He has a nasty gash on his head and his left leg is swollen and looks like it might be broken. In his hand is a revolver. Trying to keep my eyes on the flyers and father, I take hold of the gun and pull it out of his hand then gently shake his shoulder.

"Father. Bill wake up."

No response. I open up the first aid kit and start to clean up his head wound. After getting that relatively clean, I wrap his head in gauze to stop the bleeding. Not a great job but it'll have to do. With that done, I start looking around for something to splint his leg with.

Still keeping an eye out on the flyers, I make my way over to a dead fall that looks to have some branches that I can use. As I struggle to get the branches I need I hear a scream from my father and turn to see that a flyer has moved and is covering his legs.

Suddenly there's a flash of light and the nearby flyers turn to dust and I'm suddenly at my father's side without being aware of moving.

As I bend over him to see if I can wake him again, father's hand shoots up and grips my throat. Holding me by the neck, father opens his eyes and there's nothing there but blackness. Once he is standing, he continues to raise me up until my feet clear the ground and I'm dangling in his grip.

Hardly being able to breath, I desperately grab his hand and arm, trying to break his grip. Father just smiles.

"So the little bastard is a hero too. How charming. Were you going to save me? Then out of gratitude we'd be father and son once more? Oh forgive me, father and daughter."

A look of absolute disgust comes over his face and he shakes me. My vision is starting to black out and I hear a great roaring in my ears.

"As if I'd want a freak like you." With that he throws me to the ground where I gasp desperately for air.

In a quieter tone he says, "you shouldn't have come. You should have stayed in New York."

"What's happening? Why are you doing this?" I gasp out.

"Why to destroy you, why else?"

"Why kill me after all these years?"

He backhands me and I go flying to the ground again.

"You don't listen, I said destroy, not kill."

Father turns and looks up the hill. "If I'd wanted you dead, you'd be dead. Just like that slut of a mother of yours."

At his words I grab a large branch on the ground and screaming swing at him.

My blow catches him right on the side of the head, just as he's turning. He crumples to the ground.

As I watch him, his face changes. The color seems to run out of him a bit, then his mouth opens and a black writhing tentacle emerges.

I back up in horror as a flyer begins to leave my fathers body. As it emerges, my father looks more worn and tired looking.

When the flyer completely emerges, it makes its way up and over the opposite hill.

Cautiously, I make my way back to my father. He's still breathing.

Now, all of the flyers are rushing up the opposite hill. Looking up to the top of that hill I see a black form resolve itself into the shape of a giant cat. This must be the mountain lion, but it's like no cat or lion I've ever seen a picture of. It's huge and black and as the flyers reach it they seem to be absorbed into it, make it bigger and even more evil looking.

Oh why can't I have normal nightmares like other people? Of course I've never been normal about anything so there's probably not a reason to start now.

I'm not sure what's happening or why this is happening, but I do know that everything that's happened recently was to get me here to this place at this time. For some reason, this thing wants me dead. No not dead, destroyed or something even worse than that. Before that happens though, it's going to kill my father, Carol and everyone close to me. This I somehow know.

The cat thing lets out a frightening scream. It works, I'm frightened. As the echo of the cat's scream comes back and dies away, I seem to hear the faint cawing of a raven too. The sound of the raven seems to build some resolve in me, to what I'm not sure. Before I can think on it further, the cat starts to charge down the hill. A band of bright light seems to extend from either side of me as I realize that I'm running to meet it.

The great cat leaps and flinging myself into its path I raise my hands to some how block it. My small hand meets the huge paw of the cat, its claw sinks deep into my palm.

There's a loud scream, from me or the cat I'm not sure. Then nothing.

Epilogue

Last nights storm made it almost impossible to make it back to the ranch and completely impossible to go out looking for Angel and Bill.

When I got Angel's message then Fernando's frantic call that both were missing in the storm, Selma and I headed back to the ranch with Judy and Miguel. A trip that normally takes forty-five minutes took three hours last night and when we got to the ranch, every time we tried to leave to go in search of them, the storm seemed to get worse.

The weather finally broke at five this morning and with Selma and Judy taking care of Delilah and her new baby, Fernando, Miguel and I loaded up and went in search of our missing family.

Fernando rode ahead on Diablo and Miguel and I each drove one of the mules.

"Carol,  ¡date prisa!" calls out Fernando.

Gunning the engines of the mules, we race forward to find Fernando at the mule that presumably Angel took. There's no sign of Angle though, or of Bill.

Fernando is circling and I'm checking Angel's mule. It starts right up, so where is Angel? Why would she leave it?

From the top of the hill Fernando calls out, "Carol, I found Bill!"

Mounting back up, Miguel and I quickly follow after him. There at the bottom of the hill is Bill. There's a blood soaked bandage wrapped around his head and an open first aid kit next to him, but no Angel.

At our approach, Bill's eyes flicker open and he sees us. Before we can say anything he points up the opposite hill. Looking, I see a pale form lying near the top. With Fernando and Miguel looking after Bill, I race up the hill and am beside the still form of Angel in no time.

Her pants are torn and muddy; her shirt is in tatters around her waist. She's laying face down with her hair spread about her like a halo.

"Angel, Angel honey, it's Carol."

I quickly check her over and the only injury I see is to the palm of her right hand. I gently turn her over and as I do her eyes flicker open. She gives me a little smile and reaches up and touches my cheek then her eyes close and she is again unconscious.

Gathering her small form, I pick her up and carry her back down the hill.

~o~O~o~

Looking down at Angel sleeping in her bed I turn to Bill and ask, "Bill, what happened out there?"

Shifting on his crutches, Bill replies, "Carol, I wish I knew. Trying to remember is like trying to find things in a fog. I had gone out checking the outer sheds and hunting the cat when something spooked my horse. When she reared up my reins broke and I fell off and hit my head. I don't even remember hurting my leg. When I came to, things were getting dark. Fortunately I had grabbed the radio and the GPS when I fell.

When Angel here called, I gave her my coordinates but there was so much static I wasn't sure that she got them. Then the cat showed up. I shot at it but my head was so muddled I kept missing.

At one point I was hallucinating. I saw Angel but she was so much larger and seemed to be made of light and it even looked like she had wings. She was fighting the cat that had changed into a monster. There was a great blast and I don't remember anything else until you guys found me."

"Well the blast you heard and saw was probably the lighting. We found the mountain lion, it was hit by lighting; dang near cut in half. Angel it seems was close enough that it knocked her out. Fortunately, aside from a puncture wound on her hand, she's ok. Doc just says that she's exhausted is all. That is one lucky little gal there"

"I've been a fool Carol."

"You usually are."

"It's like for the past thirteen, fourteen years my mind has been wrapped in cotton. I haven't thought straight at all, at least concerning her or her mother. Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"

"In time maybe, just give her time Bill. She may never be your daughter, and she is a girl, not a boy, but someday, she might be your friend."

"No, she's no boy alright, and I can live with friend. That would be nice."

~o~O~o~

A hand wrinkled by time but still strong and tanned reaches under a bush and retrieves a large iridescent feather. Looking to the dead puma and the blackened scorch marks on the ground around it, the man looks thoughtfully to the south then tucks the feather inside his shirt and leaves. Behind him a raven glides after on silent wings.

Image credit: 'Doves' by Marta Dahlig

 

---

 

Prologue:

Ok, first let’s get this straight, this is NOT a diary. This is a journal. Specifically, this is the journal of one Alexander Conners, known to everyone as Alex. If you are not Alex, then you should not be reading this! And if I ever catch you, you’re dead meat.

Part 1

Journal Entry: August 2^nd

The First

Now then, where do I start? Well first off, I really don’t want to be doing this but my Mom insists that I do.

See, I’m home-schooled and one of the things that I have to do is keep this stupid journal. Fortunately no one is going to read it. Every now and then, Mom will check to see if this file has grown. So I probably could just write garbage and get away with it. But knowing my luck, Mom would check and my goose would be cooked.

Mom did lay down one rule for this journal. I can’t delete anything. If I need to change something, it can only be crossed out, not deleted. Bummer!!

Let’s see, what else to tell? Well I’m fourteen years old and a bit of a runt as my sister would say. I don’t like it, but it’s true. Mom says that I can get my growth spurt at anytime so I’m constantly checking.

I hope this growth spurt comes soon because I really, really, need to grow more. See I’m only 4’10” and with my rather high voice and soft features, I am constantly being mistaken for a girl! Can you believe that?

For example, just this past spring, the family went with my Dad to Washington D.C., and while we were there I went with my Mom to meet with our congressman. Now my sister was spending the summer with some friends, and the twins were with Dad, so that’s why it was just me and my Mom.

Having gotten real tired of being mistaken for a girl, I had had my hair cut real short just before our trip. Think military short. I hadn’t told my Mom before I did it and she was not pleased. She said it was almost a sin to cut off all of my thick black hair. But damn it, a guy can only take so much!

Anyway, back to our congressman. I was dressed in a tee shirt that said “Run Free, Run Far,” my jeans and cross trainers. I had this buzz cut and I’m thinking there is no way I will ever be mistaken for a girl again, when this jerk tells my Mom what a beautiful daughter she has and then asks her if my hair is so short because I’ve been ill.

ARGH!! It’s probably a good thing that Mom pulled me back or my foot would have connected quite well with this guy’s knee.

So you see why I want this growth spurt to get here really bad. I am just so tired of being told that I look like a girl.

Well I’ll write more later, it’s time to go to bed.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 3^rd

Yuck. Did I write that stuff? Oh well, Mom said I had to write, she didn’t tell me what I should write about. Now where was I?

Okay, we were talking about girls and how I am constantly being mistaken for one. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a thing against girls. They’re great. But I’m not a girl. As my Dad told me several years ago, I’m a boy and need to look and act like one.

Hmmm. Reading that last sentence over, I realize it might just need a bit of an explanation. See when I was seven, we lived in Athens Greece and a kid I had made friends with and I were playing up on the roof. Now the roofs in the area we lived in were flat and were used for outside seating, like a patio. Anyway, we were up on the roof when I took a stumble and went right over the edge. Man was I messed up. I broke my nose, my right leg, two ribs and my pelvis. Apparently I had bounced off of a balcony rail before continuing on to the ground, where I bounced some more. I ended up in a cast from about my waist down and from about my eyebrows down, I was one big bruise.

This little accident put an end to all activities beyond playing cards and reading for the next six months. This actually turned into a good thing because my sister Ellen decided she was going to nurse me back to health. She kept me company and played with me and I bet there aren’t another brother and sister out there closer than the two of us.

Towards the end of my recuperation, we moved back to the States. Somehow the movers misplaced some boxes and of course it included the boxes with my clothes in them and for the week or so that it would take for my clothes to catch up to us, I dressed in some of my sister’s old things. Now it wasn’t that bad. It’s not like Mom and Dad put me in her dresses or anything. I just wore some of her old shorts and blouses. Okay, panties too. Well she had an unopened pack of panties and I needed to wear something. It’s not like we went out a lot, especially just having moved into a new neighborhood and unpacking and all.

Well even after my clothes caught up with us, I still borrowed some of my sister’s things from time to time. I’ll even admit it here in this journal that we would experiment and I would dress up in her dresses and pretend to be a girl. I thought it was fun, and it brought my sister and myself together even more.

It was the one time that we did go out when I was dressed in one of her old summer dresses that got me into trouble. I had put on her old dress because it really was much more comfortable to wear in the heat and we went out for a short walk. The doctor was really encouraging me to get more exercise at this point. Anyway, we were out front walking up and down the block when my Dad came home early with some company.

Now I didn’t think we had done anything wrong and we went back into the house to say hi to Dad and greet our guest. Dad’s eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw me and the guy that was with him said he was pleased to meet Dad’s two lovely daughters.

Ellen and I thought that was funny and we went off to play in her room. When Dad got back from taking that other guy home, he took me into my room and gave me the “Talk.” He told me that boys do not dress up like girls and that boys do not play as girls and that I needed to act like a boy. He told me that even my twin brothers acted more like boys than I did.

Now Dad wasn’t mad but he was clearly upset so I promised that I would never do that again. It was all very embarrassing and I was sad to have to give it all up, but I didn’t want to upset my folks again. Not if I could help it at least and I haven’t broken my promise yet.

I think I need to stop writing now. For some reason this is all rather upsetting.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 21^st

Sorry I haven’t written in here for awhile. It’s been hard to and I’ve been real busy. Now let’s see where we were.

I see that I mentioned the twins but haven’t really said much about them. Well let me just give you a breakdown of the whole family.

First there’s my Dad. His name is Robert and he works for the Department of Energy. Because of his position, we tend to move around a lot. As ’fathers go, he’s a good one. He works real hard and is away from home a lot but he always tries to make it up to us and we know he loves us.

My Mom, Sharon works from home as a stock manager or something like that. She does that so she can home-school all of us kids as well. Since we move around so much, my folks figure that the consistent education that can be provided by home-schooling is the best way to go–that is, except for high school. For that, they want us in a proper school. They feel that is real important. Next year I might start high school and am really looking forward to it...NOT!

Next is my sister Ellen. She’s now in college out in California. She’s 19 and studying fashion at this posh, posh fashion college out there. We’ll be moving out there at the beginning of the year, and then will be there for the next six years as I and then my brothers go thru high school.

You know me. I’m Alex. I’m 14. My interests are in gymnastics, Parkour and art.

Finally there are the terrible twosome who are my twin brothers William (who prefers to go by Bill) and Mark. They’re two years younger than me, a couple of inches taller and several pounds heavier as well. They both live and breathe sports. Doesn’t matter what the sport is, they love them all, preferably the rougher the better. I think rugby is still at the top of the list but I think that cage fighting would be if Mom didn’t keep telling them, “NO” about every other day. They’re also big into the Scouts and are about the most outgoing pair that you’ll ever meet.

That’s my family in a nutshell, although nuthouse is probably a better description.

Sorry for the short entry today.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 23^rd

Great news! I’m almost a full inch taller. Yippee! Mom was right: I think that my growth spurt has started. I’m increasing my workouts in both the weights and the Parkour to see if I can bulk up a bit too.

Parkour? In looking back I see that I mentioned that I like Parkour but I haven’t explained it yet. Well, Parkour is the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one’s path by adapting one’s movements to the environment. In short it’s efficient running around, over and thru obstacles to get from point A to point B in the most efficient manner possible. People often get Parkour and Free Running mixed up but there is a difference. Parkour is all about efficiency and Free Running is more about show.

That’s Parkour and if I do say so myself, I’m rather good at it too. I’m not quite in David Belle’s league yet, but I am good. I may be small but I’ve been doing gymnastics since I had my accident when I was seven and I practice almost every day.

So, almost an inch taller! I am so excited! Let’s just hope this is the beginning and not the whole growth spurt. Now I just need to bulk up a bit and my voice needs to change.

I am going to bed now, so I can get up early to fit a run in before breakfast.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 24^th

Mom and Dad say I can’t go running at five in the morning anymore. I don’t see what the big deal is. I was awake and knew I couldn’t get back to sleep so I went out running. How was I to know that when they got up and didn’t see me in my bed that they’d freak? I really did mean to get back before anyone woke up, I just got delayed a bit.

Anyway, for the next week I can only run around the block. What good is that? Parents!!

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 27^th

Well I’ve got to tell you that running around the block is BORING! But I think that I have a work around. My parents told me that I couldn’t leave our block, that if I wanted to run so bad, I could just run around the block. Now the way I see it, so long as I stay on our block, I’ll be fine–they didn’t tell me I couldn’t run across my block.

See it’s not about the running’–as I mentioned earlier–it’s about getting from point A to point B as fast and efficiently as possible. So today I scoped out the route straight from our house down the long way on our block to end up at the news-stand. Hey it’s not much but it will sure beat running in circles. I’m going to give it a try tomorrow after breakfast.

There’s not much else to write about. Oh yes there is, I almost forgot, Ellen will be heading back to school in a couple of days and I’ll go back with her and Mom.

It’ll be sad not to have her here, but the trip to California should be fun.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 28^th

Not a bad run today. Nothing much happened except about four houses down, there lives the biggest damned dog I’ve ever seen. How come I never noticed him before? He’s now the proud owner of my right shoe. Thank goodness I was wearing an old pair and that he just got my shoe and not the foot that was in it too. He did add a bit of excitement to the run, though.

Speaking of excitement, the neighbor right after the demon dog likes to sunbathe topless. I didn’t see much as I was more concerned with the dog crashing thru the fence and she didn’t seem to mind too much.

On second thought, she might just have been asleep as I really didn’t make much noise going by and she was facing the other way.

It’s official: I am one full inch taller than I was when I started this journal. Yeah!

I’ve got to pack up for the trip to California so, later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 6^th

I got back from CA yesterday. It was a good trip but I’m sure going to miss seeing Ellen. I won’t see her again until Christmas. When she goes back after winter break, Mom is going to go with her to find us a house. We checked out some neighborhoods when we were out there on this trip and the move might not be so bad. Ellen will be with us again and that’s what really matters.

More news on the growth spurt front: first, I didn’t think that it would affect my hair and nails too but it has. I am constantly trimming my nails and as for my hair, well back in the beginning of March is when I had it cut short to about an inch in length. From what I’ve been able to find out, hair grows about a half-inch per month, so doing the math, my hair should be around four inches now. It’s almost six inches long! I’d kind of like to have it cut again but Mom was really upset the last time I did so I won’t do that. I only had it cut because I thought it would stop people from thinking I was a girl. We all know how well that worked. After having it cut, they still thought I was a girl, just one with a strange haircut. Oh well.

Now the second part of the news is really good. I think my chest is bigger. I seem to be finally bulking up a bit. Between all of the exercise and the protein drinks, it’s about time too. Do you have any idea how it feels when your brothers, who are two years younger, are bigger and have more muscle definition than you do? It messes with your head.

Anyway, I may finally be turning that around. Whee!

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 10^th

I’m exhausted. The day started off okay. I got up and knocked off all of my schoolwork with Mom, then started my workout right after lunch.

Today I decided to first do some upper body free weights then some gymnastic tumbling then I went out on a run. I made my way downtown and there is an area down by the warehouse district that you can go for a couple of miles it seems like without hitting the ground: just from rooftop to rooftop.

Needless to say, that wore me out. There are some places that you have to jump about ten feet over and at least ten down to get to the next roof. Those jumps tend to hurt a bit if you don’t hit them just right.

All in all, I’m really happy with how the day went. The only downside was the route I took to go downtown was my neighborhood route. Well I successfully avoided the demon in dog’s clothing but discovered that the neighbor who likes to sunbathe topless is really a mannequin lying on a lawn chair. Bummer!

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why I don’t hang out with other kids my age. Well there are a couple of reasons. It’s always been hard to make and keep friends when you move every couple of years. I think that the longest time we’ve ever spent in one place was when Ellen was in high school. So that tends to make it difficult. Also, I’m really shy. Now I don’t just mean I find it difficult to speak in a group or something like that. No, I get this overwhelming fear when I’m in a social setting. I’m okay when I’m with my family, but out on my own is a different matter.

This is why I’m really not looking forward to high school. It’s also why I really don’t have any friends.

I’m really jealous of the twins. They make friends real easy. Brats!!

Oh well, time for a hot shower and bed.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 15^th

I’m grounded, again! This has to be a short entry because it’s hard to type. I was doing a run downtown again and took a fall down a stairwell and I sprained my wrist and broke the little finger of my left hand.

I don’t think that was the real reason for me being grounded. I think the real reason was because I was injured, the security guard for the building was able to catch me and he called the police and they came, then they called my folks and you see how this little thing got blown all out of proportion.

The police had taken me to the ER because of my wrist and hand and then called my folks who had to come pick me up. They were not pleased to say the least. As a result, I’m stuck here at home and Mom said to help me pass the time, she’s going to double my schoolwork. Oh gee, thanks. I wouldn’t like to get bored or anything.

I suppose it’s just as well. I haven’t been feeling real great lately. All of my joints ache all of the time. I wonder if I’m catching something.

Well, I’ll add more info later.

Bye.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 27^th

Well the wrist is better but I still have this funky splint on my finger. It makes it real hard to type, let me tell you.

I’m still grounded but it’s not so bad. I spend my time doing schoolwork, working out downstairs in the gym or doing my artwork.

Right now I’m working in chalk pastels and trying to do a self-portrait. How is it I can draw other people, but I can’t draw myself? Anyway, it’s slow going but it does relax me.

On another note, it looks like all of my aches and pains may be growing pains. I’ve grown another inch! Whee! My hair is also getting ridiculously long. I told Mom about it all and she is going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything is okay. She also said that if I wanted to get my hair cut, that she would make an appointment for that too. I’m kind of torn on that. On the one hand, when my hair is long, I get mistaken for a girl more. On the other hand, even when my hair is short I still get mistaken for a girl and I really like having long hair.

I think I’ll hold off on getting it cut for now. Besides, I think I’ll want it long for my Halloween costume. I’m going to be Captain Jack Sparrow. I really think I can pull it off. Ellen said she would help put some things together and ship them out to me.

Well, got to get some rest.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 3^rd

I’ve been up here in my room since dinner. Something doesn’t seem right with me and I just can’t figure it out.

It’s hard to explain, it’s kind of like a combination of a physical and an emotional feeling. I don’t know if I can explain it, I just feel like something isn’t right. Anyway, I’m sure that I’ll figure it out.

In the meantime my growing spurt is still going strong. Drum roll please, as I am now officially over 5’. To be exact, I am now 5’ ¼”. This is from my doctor’s appointment that I had today. Not sure what good going to the doctor did. He just looked into my ears and down my throat, hit my knees with his little rubber hammer and pronounced that it was just growing pains. Oh well, at least I have the “official” height measurement.

My growing doesn’t seem to be slowing down and that’s great. Now all I need is to get more muscle definition and my voice to start to change.

My stomach is flat and has some definition but that “washboard” look just won’t show up. The same is true with everything else too. My legs are really strong but don’t have much definition, my chest: well it is getting bigger but no real sign of pecs yet. Maybe I’m just too impatient. Mom keeps telling me to give it time but really, how much time does it take?

One other thing, and this is embarrassing, there hasn’t been any change with my, well my boy parts. You’d think that since everything else is growing, that would too.

I wanted to talk to the doctor about it, but it’s not the easiest thing to talk about. Also, the doctor is like sixty or something. It’s kind of hard to talk about it to someone so old. Oh I don’t know. I’m sure everything will be fine.

I am going to go to sleep.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 5^th

I’ve been working on my costume for Halloween. Ellen and I talked last night and she said she wanted to make the clothes but that I needed to take care of the boots, hat and all of the accessories. Mom suggested that we hit the secondhand stores and I think we’ve hit the jackpot.

Today I got a bunch of rings, chains, scarves and stuff. I also found a pair of over-the-knee boots. They’re girls and they have about a two-inch heel but they don’t have a pointy heel or anything and they fit perfectly. I just need to take care of the scuffmarks and I think they’ll be fine. Now I need to find or make the hat, I need the pistol and I need to figure out how to do the makeup. I also need to find at least one gold hoop earring that clips on.

This is going to be a great costume.

On other news, I’m still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe not “wrong” just “not right.” I still can’t seem to put it into words. All I know is I feel different and when I look into the mirror, it’s almost like I’m looking at someone else.

Oh, I’m not saying this right at all. I’m going to bed now.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 7^th

Mom’s bugging me to get more of a social life again. She says she’s worried about me becoming a hermit or something. She said maybe I should join the twins’ scout troop. Now that really isn’t my thing. I told her that I was going to the scouting Halloween party. She pointed out that was because we were having it here at our house.

Okay, I admit that she had a point, but I will be at the party and not holed away in my room. I told her that and she just sighed. Parents do that a lot I’ve noticed.

I’m now completely free of the splint for my finger and the brace for my wrist. I’m still grounded to our house though. I’m going to ask and see if we can expand to our block again. I’d like to do that run through our block. I think I’ve figured another way past Cujo the demon dog.

Wish me luck on getting the grounding expanded.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 12^th

You know, I think I’m really fortunate. I’m part of a very close family. We all love each other and get along with each other really well. Mostly that is.

Today was not a good day for family closeness. I had a fight with my brothers.

You see Ellen got done with my Halloween costume and had shipped it out and it came today. I wanted to try it on, so I went up to my room and put on the wig we made up, and using a picture from the movie, I worked on putting on the makeup. Now Mom is still helping me make up the mustache and beard so I couldn’t try that, but I could try everything else.

I go on downstairs to show Mom and I’m thinking I look pretty good. Ellen did a great job on the outfit and all of the accessories help a lot. I think I make a good Captain Jack.

Well I get downstairs and am turning this way and that, showing Mom the outfit when the twins come in. Now Mark immediately starts to giggle and before you know it Bill is too. When I ask them what they thought was so funny, Mark says that with the long hair and makeup I make a very pretty pirate wench and then breaks into more laughter.

I turn and look into the hall mirror and sure enough, between the hair, makeup and the way the shirt puffs out in front when I twist my body, I do look like a girl.

With the twins laughing at me and this being a bit of a sore spot with me, I just kind of snapped. I jumped on Mark and started wailing on him. Bill jumped on me and was hitting me, and then they both were. All three of us are yelling until Mom comes up and quite literally starts knocking heads together to stop us. Man that hurts.

The end result is I’m still grounded to the house and now the twins are too.

All of that would have been bad enough, but after being sent to our rooms, I started to get undressed when I took a real close look at myself.

Looking into the mirror on my closet door I didn’t see me dressed as a pirate. With the wig and makeup on and all of the jewelry, wearing the pirate shirt, tight pants and knee high boots–well I had to admit it: I did look like a girl.

I can’t begin to tell you how sad this makes me.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 22^nd

Well we’re all off our grounding now. Not that it makes any difference to me: I don’t plan on leaving the house.

I’ve got no one to tell this. I am so scared and I don’t know what to do. You see, ever since the fight with my brothers, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I think I finally figured out what has been bothering me and I’m so scared that I might be right. I think I’m turning into a girl!

I know, I know. This is impossible. Boys are boys, and girls are girls and you just can’t change your gender, we aren’t frogs after all. I know all of this but just the same I think it’s true.

First of all, as I’ve already mentioned, I have always been mistaken for a girl, and as much as I hate to admit it, I do have all of the general features of a girl. Even when I dress in very “boyish” clothes, I still look more like a tomboy than an actual boy.

Second, my voice has always been higher than other boys my age and even though I’m going thru this growing phase, my voice has not changed at all.

Oh and I’ve gained another inch. I’m now 5’1”. Big whoop!!

Third, no matter how hard I work out, no matter how physically fit I am, I can’t get the strong muscular definition that guys get. In fact, I just look like a very fit girl.

Now I am growing like a weed but more like a girl would rather than a boy. My hips are a bit broader, and that could be from all of the gymnastics and running I do, but my waist is staying narrow and then there is my chest.

Here’s what is freaking me out so much. I think I might be growing breasts! Now again, I know that isn’t possible but my chest is getting bigger and although I am developing some chest muscles, above that is some definite puffiness. My nipples and some of the area around them are tender and puffy all of the time and it looks just like other girls about my age! There is also what feels like a raised bump behind the nipple and it is kind of tender.

This can’t be happening to me. I mean it just isn’t possible. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell anyone, at least not yet but maybe I can talk to Ellen. She’ll know what to do.

Oh I hope I’m wrong. Please let me be wrong.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 2

Journal Entry: November 1^st

Well thank goodness Halloween is finally over. I tried to get out of going to the party. I just wanted to stay in my room. I certainly didn’t want to wear my costume, but Mom overruled me. I think the only way I could have gotten out of it was to tell her my fears. I just couldn’t make myself do that so I ended up going to the damned party.

It started out fun enough but then ended in disaster.

So I got all dressed up, I go downstairs and am beginning to feel good about things. The party is moving along and everyone is having a good time except when the little beard and mustache that Mom made up for me decides that it will no longer stay on. The glue we used seems to have been too old to work right. Okay, so maybe this can still work–nope, not with my luck anyway.

Now I think I mentioned that this party was for the twins’ scout troop. Well it was and never having met anyone from their troop, it just never occurred to me that there would be kids older than them or for that matter, older than me in the troop.

Well there are and one of them, a sixteen-year-old boy named Sam, came over to me and started talking. Now being really shy, I didn’t do much talking back and as he seemed nice, I didn’t leave him. That is until he told me how cute he thought I was! He thinks I’m a girl too!

Well I excused myself and ran up to my room, locked my door and have been here ever since. I’m seriously considering not leaving my room again. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that stupid party.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: November 1^st

Well this is the second entry for the day. Mom and Dad made me come downstairs and help clean up the party mess.

Mom kept bugging me by asking why I was acting so depressed. I kept telling her that I was fine. Why can’t she leave it at that?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking over what I said earlier and do you know what? I still think it’s true. Somehow or other I think my body and my mind got all mixed up about what gender I am. It’s almost like I’m both or neither or, oh I don’t know.

I mean think about it for a minute. Look at how I look. Even I have to admit that I have very feminine features. I may not like to admit it, but I do. Also look how I’m continuing to develop, more like a girl than a boy, but I am a boy.

Then there’s the time that Ellen and I used to play dress up. I enjoyed those times. I liked dressing in my sister’s things. Even today, I admit that I like how girls’ clothes look and feel. I may not dress in them but I do like them.

Oh god, I am such a freak! I really don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of is to just hope that I’m wrong. Maybe there are other reasons for everything that is happening to me and I’m just overreacting. I hope so at least.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: November 15^th

It’s been a couple of weeks but there really hasn’t been much to tell.

The weather has been really crappy so I haven’t been able to go on any runs. I just spend my days doing my schoolwork and working out downstairs.

All of my tumbling has gone to crap. It seems that my center of balance is all whacked up with me growing so fast. I’m now at 5’2” and that makes it four straight months that I’ve grown at least an inch.

Mom’s afraid I’m going to eat us out of house and home and is praying that the twins don’t start growing at the same rate that I am or there will be no way to feed us all.

I am constantly hungry and no matter how much I eat, my body just burns it all up.

My hope from the last entry here is getting less and less. It really does look like I’m growing breasts. There is definitely more definition there.

I’ve started to wear looser clothing trying to hide what is happening. If they keep growing I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know how I’ll be able to hide them and I don’t know how to tell Mom and Dad.

They would so freak about this. I mean I just think on how they acted when I was younger and wore Ellen’s dress. How do you think they’d feel if they knew I was a freak and turning into a girl? Oh geeze, they might not want me anymore. I mean, who wants a kid that isn’t normal?

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: November 30^th

Thanksgiving came and went. Can’t say I found much to feel thankful for.

Mom keeps telling me that I need to get out of the house and stop moping around.

On some good news, Ellen will be coming home in two weeks for winter break. I’m hoping that I can talk to her about my problem. I need to talk to someone, this is driving me crazy.

However, I think I must be wrong about all of this. I mean, this just can’t happen, right? There has to be a better explanation for what is happening to me, I just haven’t found it yet.

I’ve been running searches on the Internet trying to find something that would explain why this is happening. No luck so far, but I’ll keep looking.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: December 11^th

Well Ellen is back and boy is it great to see her. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any time alone with her. In order to get some, I’ve even volunteered to go with her to the mall. Malls drive me crazy and around the holidays they are even worse, but this may be the only time I have to talk with her.

I still haven’t had any luck on finding a different explanation for what is happening to me. They keep growing and it’s hard to hide the fact that something is happening to my chest.

I have to find a solution fast.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: December 12^th

Grrr! You know if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

Ellen and I are in the car and about to pull out of the garage to go to the mall when Mom and the twins decide to join us. I could have screamed!

So now no time alone with Ellen, just two and a half hours of severe anxiety and a major headache.

We got home and Ellen took off again to go visit some of her old friends that just got back into town.

I’m going to bed. Maybe this headache will be gone by morning. The other distinct possibility is my head will explode. That might solve all sorts of problems.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: December 20^th

Among the other changes happening to me, I must be changing color, too. What color you ask? Why yellow, bright yellow. You see, I’m a coward.

I finally had some time alone with Ellen and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Here I’ve been doing everything possible to get some time with her so we can talk and when I do, I can’t bring myself to mention it.

I’m a true coward.

Everything is still progressing as it has been. I’m now 5’3” almost 5’4”. My hair is out of control. It’s about 9”—10” long, and the boobs? Well, let’s just say they’re growing too. I can’t deny it, I really am growing breasts. To top everything off, I’ve got a grade ‘A’ stomach ache to go with everything else. God I hate my life.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: January 15^th

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote in this, and this is probably going to be my last entry. Let me bring you up to date.

Mom and Ellen are back in California. Ellen’s classes will be starting up again and Mom will be buying us a new house.

Christmas came and went but I just couldn’t get into the spirit of the season. I know I was a wet blanket for everyone else.

I’m just over 5’4” now and I definitely have breasts. We’re not talking minor swelling or puffiness. I have two well-formed tits sitting on my chest. My first look and feel of a breast and it turns out to be mine. Does that suck, or what?

Anyway, the only way I can hide them anymore is to wrap an ace bandage around them and wear baggy clothes.

I just can’t stand this anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear to see the disgust in my family’s eyes when they find out. So I’ve decided to leave. It’s either that or kill myself and I just can’t do that. I think we’ve already established that I’m a coward.

So, this is my last entry, and this is also my goodbye note to my family.

I love you all so very much. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 3

Journal Entry: January 16^th

Well I obviously didn’t run away after all. I was set to. I was out the door and on my way. To where, I have no idea. But I was leaving.

Within a half-hour, it had started to rain, then sleet. After an hour, the weather had turned to snow. As I was walking down the road, guess who pulls up next to where I was walking? It was Sam from the party and his mom.

I was looking and feeling cold, wet and miserable and Sam’s mom insisted on giving me a ride back home.

Now I couldn’t very well tell her the truth now could I?

I get into their car and Sam’s mom turns the heat up full. Sam, being the good scout that he is, reaches into the back seat and pulls out a blanket and wraps me in it. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. Sam puts his arm around me to help me get warm and eventually we get to my house.

Well they dropped me off and all I could think of was getting warm again. So I thanked them for the ride and went inside to crawl into a warm shower.

I’m not sure if I can muster the courage to run away again. At least not until spring and by then we’ll be in California.

Maybe once we get there I can come up with a solution.

Oh, two more things: The first is that no one even noticed I had gone, and second, Sam still really thinks I’m a girl. He wanted to know if I liked going out to the movies. Great, just friggin’ great.

To top off my crappy day, my stomach feels like it’s in knots. No more pepperoni and anchovy pizza for me.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: January 20^th

We heard from Mom and she thinks she may have found the perfect house. She and Dad were on the phone for a couple of hours discussing it and going over pictures that she had e-mailed to us.

It looks like a nice house. Ellen would have her own place in part of the basement. I think they called it a mother-in-law apartment. Funny. Anyway, it also has a pool which would be cool. The twins think so too.

If Mom and Dad buy it, Mom would fly back here in a couple of days, and then back out there for the closing in about a month. We may be in California by the end of February.

I’ve been thinking on what I did and I realize it was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. The problem is, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

There have been times that I’ve thought of killing myself. The problem with that is the prospect scares the crap out of me. I could never go through with it. Running away didn’t seem to go so well either. I mean, even if I succeed in running away, what am I going to do? How would I live?

The only thing I can do is just keep to myself. I’ll keep binding my chest and wearing baggy clothes. I can do that until I can figure something out. At least I hope I can. Binding my chest is not real comfortable, in fact it hurts, but I don’t see much else I can do.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: January 22^nd

It looks like we’re going to get the house. Mom signed the paperwork and took care of some other stuff and in thirty days we can move in. That’s not to say we will, though.

Mom and Dad are going to have some work done on the house and we’ll have to sell this one, so we may not move until the first or second week in March.

This move is probably going to be the hardest on the twins. They’re really getting into their scouting. Apparently Sam–you remember Sam?–well Sam looks to be making Eagle or Hawk or Buzzard Scout this upcoming summer. Anyhow, it’s supposed to be the highest scout rank and pretty important.

Anyway, Sam has really taken the twins under his wing (ha, ha, get it? wing...) and has been helping them with their merit badges and stuff. Well I did say he seemed nice. He just needs glasses is all.

Mom will be flying back home by Friday. It will be nice to have her back. I’m trying to work up the nerve to talk to her about my little, but growing problem.

Wish me luck.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: January 31^st

I’m not feeling real well today. I think I might be coming down with something. Wouldn’t you know, I get over my stomach ache only to catch a cold. Life sucks.

Mom came home last weekend and has been at a dead run ever since. There hasn’t been any opportunity to talk with her, even if I could have mustered the nerve.

You really aren’t going to believe what has happened. Well, tonight I’m going on a date with Sam. “Date” is the only word I can use to describe what this horrible thing is. Here’s what happened.

The twins had their troop meeting last Saturday. During this meeting, it was suggested (guess by whom) that the troop have a movie night. Families would be invited as well. Have you guessed who made this suggestion? Yep, it was Sam. Well the suggestion fell a bit flat given everyone’s schedules, so Sam suggested that he and the twins just do a movie night themselves.

The twins were absolutely wild about this idea. Then Sam suggested that they could also invite their sister.

Now normally the twins would have broken into laughter and said that their sister was in California and if he was talking about me, well I was their brother.

They didn’t do that this time. Apparently ol’ Sam is a great merit badge helper, or whatever he’s doing for them, and they don’t want to hurt that relationship. So they told him that they were sure that I would love to go, too.

They came home all excited and told Mom about the movie invite and she said that they could go and then they dropped in that I was invited, too. I immediately said no, but they begged and looked pathetic and I still said no. Then Mom declared that I spend far too much time cooped up all by myself and that it would do me good to go out, and then proceeded to call Sam’s mom and finalize things.

I went up to my room, and despite objections to the contrary I did not slam my door. The twins came up shortly after that and explained what happened, and well, the short of it is I now have a date with another boy. I may be sick.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 4

Journal Entry: February 1^st

In my last entry, I mentioned that I thought that I might be sick. Well that was true on several levels. First, I really do feel crappy. All of my joints ache, I’m just not with it and I’m constantly tired. This may explain what happened on my ‘date.’ *Shudder.*

Okay, here’s what happened last night. Sam’s mom picked us up and drove us to the mall Cineplex. Sam was acting okay, not being real weird or anything but he always seemed to be walking right next to me.

We go into the theater and I am able to get the twins between me and Sam–at least at first. Somehow, between when we sit down and when the movie starts, he trades places with Mark. Okay, this can still be fine. It’s not like he’s a stalker or anything.

Well the movie starts and I’m feeling real tired and I must have fallen asleep. I wake up when the action begins with some explosions on screen and I discover that I’m leaning into Sam and he has his arm around me!! AHHHHHHHHH!

I am really trying not to freak out here. I slowly straighten up in my seat and he loosens his arm from around my shoulders. I kind of pull a bit more away and he pulls his arm back and I’m thinking that I have just saved myself from a real close call. Well, I am wrong. He reaches over and takes my hand.

Man oh man: the twins are so going to owe me for this.

I really try to act cool. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with the movie as I am now completely focused on keeping Sam from earning his octopus merit badge. As soon as I get his arm from around me, he holds my hand. As soon as I get him to let go of my hand, he puts it on my leg and starts to rub my knee. I get him to let go of my leg and his arm is back around my shoulders again and we start all over. Frustrating doesn’t even come close to describing how I’m feeling.

Now I really have no idea on how to act or what to say and my head feels like it’s stuffed full of cotton, so my thoughts and reaction time are almost zero at this point.

Well the movie is almost over and I’m beginning to think that I just might make it home safely when Sam leans over and kisses me! YUCK!

Well, he kisses me, I drop my soft drink, and the twins are cheering something on the screen. At least they’d better be cheering something on the screen. Sam tells me that he thinks I’m real cute and maybe we can go out again and I’m desperately trying to find some gasoline to rinse my mouth out with.

Wait, this all gets better.

Well the movie ends and we all head back out to the lobby. I’m suddenly feeling like I have to throw up and not real sure if it’s from being sick or from the kiss. Anyway, I need to get to the restroom and fast. Sam sees my distress and takes my arm and starts to lead me thru the crowd and practically pushes me thru the bathroom door. I just make it into a stall when Mt. Vesuvius erupts.

Afterwards, I feel better but still kind of out of it. I flush and go to the sink to wash up and rinse my mouth when this girl asks if I’m okay.

I tell her that I think so and am rinsing my mouth again when I realize just where I am. Sam has taken me to the girls’ restroom. There are about a half dozen girls here going to the bathroom, washing up, talking and reapplying their makeup. I’m trying to be invisible and turn to make my way to the door, when the girl who originally asked me how I was, stops me.

She says I really need to reapply my makeup. I tell her that I don’t have it with me and try to get away again. She stops me again and says, “No prob,” in a very perky manner and whips out some lipstick and starts to put it on me!

Do girls really do this with other girls they don’t know?

Well before I know it, she has the lipstick on me, brushes something along my cheeks and spritzes me with her perfume. She is very pleased with herself and all I can do is thank her and make a dazed but quick exit.

I re-emerge into the theater lobby and there are three stunned looking boys staring at me. Sam asks if I’m okay, then without waiting for an answer tells me that I’m even prettier with makeup on. Bill and Mark are just staring at me with their mouths open and if I can, I’d strangle them both, Sam too for that matter.

Well I tell them that I’m not really feeling that well and we should go and find Sam’s mom. We go outside to wait for our ride and who do you think should appear? My good Samaritan from the loo, and the fastest makeup applier in the South.

She comes up to us and introduces herself. Her name is Robbyn, “that’s two ‘Bs’ and a ‘Y’.” It falls to me to introduce everyone, so I present Sam and my two brothers. Just then, Sam’s mom arrives and we head to the car. Robbyn whispers to me just as I’m about to turn to go that she thinks Sam is cute and that we make a cute couple. Oh yuck! That really makes my night. I thank her anyway and run to the car.

I explain during the ride home that I’m really not feeling that well and I thank Sam for the movie. When we get to our house I practically run inside and up to my room. I grab my sleepwear and head into the bathroom. Before starting the shower, I look into the mirror and am shocked. It’s amazing what just a little blush and some lipstick can do. I really do look like a girl now. At that, I turn to the toilet and throw up again.

After making sure that there is nothing left in my stomach, I turn on the shower and literally crawl into it. After scrubbing my face and washing up as best I can, I just lie down and cry until the hot water runs out and I start shivering.

I turn off the water, dry off, dress and brush my teeth–five times. Then I crawl into bed and pass out.

This morning I feel better, absolutely no energy, but better.

Mom comes into my room this morning and sees the ace bandage that I’ve been using to bind my chest lying on the ground. I about have a heart attack when she asks me about it. I end up telling her I had twisted my knee and had used it to give it some support.

As I still look like death warmed over, Mom lets me sleep in. Just a bit before lunch, my bratty brothers come into my room and wake me up.

They thank me again for what I did for them last night and then ask about the makeup and the bathroom. I explain everything to them, and then I tell them that there is no way I am going to put myself thru that again.

After I shoo them out, I get up and dress. I really don’t want to have another couple of days like the last few that I have had.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 5

Journal Entry: February 3^rd

Well, I spent yesterday recuperating from whatever bug I had come down with and trying to avoid phone calls from Sam. This guy is turning into some kind of stalker or something.

Mom and Dad are absolutely clueless and I’d just as soon keep it that way. This whole misunderstanding with Sam is embarrassing enough as it is, without them knowing.

The twins, however, think it’s hilarious. At least they do until I tell them that if they keep it up I am not only going to tell Sam the truth, but tell him that they put me up to it as well. They’re real pleasant to me after that.

Thank god we’re moving from here. It can’t happen too soon for me. This whole misunderstanding is getting way out of hand.

For instance: I went out for a run this afternoon. Nothing special or too strenuous but I ended up at the mall. I decided to go in and get something to drink and was sitting back in the food court when good ol’ “two Bs and a Y” Robbyn suddenly plops down at my table and starts chatting away.

Well Robbyn is nice, and she’s downright gorgeous, but she thinks I’m a girl too. I can’t really blame her after our meeting in the bathroom but geeze this is getting aggravating.

Now according to Robbyn, I really need to drop my whole tomboy look and dress up more. After all, my complexion, skin tone and hair color absolutely scream for a more glamorous look and oh my, with my eye color, the right eye shadow would make them just “pop.”

Oh joy, just what I want, my eyes to pop.

I think the only reason I don’t start throwing up again is because I really hate to and I’d done so much of that so recently. Okay, she’s real nice too and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

As I said, Robbyn is a nice girl–if a bit chatty. Okay, she’s a lot chatty. In fact, I’ve never really been around anyone who could talk as much as she does. I have never seen anyone talk so long without taking one breath–amazing.

I really would like to be able to tell her the truth but don’t see how I can. It would be nice to have a friend to talk to. For some reason, I’m not as shy around her as I am others. Of course, she’s outgoing enough for about twenty people so that may help.

We exchange phone numbers. I probably won’t get the nerve up to call her and I don’t think that she’ll call me. Even if she does, it scares me that this whole “everyone thinks I’m a girl” thing is going to get way out of hand.

I tell Robbyn goodbye and head home.

It’s funny but I am in a much better mood tonight than I have been in quite a while.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 4^th

I’ve got a couple of things to cover today.

First, we had a little family meeting about our move. When Mom flies out to handle the closing on the house, she’s going to stay to supervise the remodelling that they are going to have done before we all move in.

I ask if I could go with her and after a bit of an argument, they agree! Whee!

In the meantime, we’ll pack up things here and when the time comes, Dad and the twins will drive out just ahead of the movers. The twins are, as they say, “totally stoked” and practically bouncing off the walls.

It’s going to be great to be out in California with just Mom and Ellen. I hope I can get a chance to talk to one of them about what’s happening to me.

Another thing I want to cover is where I currently am with this growth spurt. I guess ‘spurt’ no longer covers it. I’m growing like the proverbial weed.

Mom commented that I am now as tall as she is and that I should probably get a few clothes before we move to tide me over until I stop growing. Most of the stuff that I currently have is getting way too small for me.

One good thing is I am now taller than the twins. Ha ha.

So here are the current stats. I am now 5’7” tall and my hair is real close to being 12”. I’m staggered by how fast I’ve grown. Dad told me that when he was growing up he grew an inch a month for fourteen months. He said that Grammy would buy his pants extra long and hem them. Then she’d let the hem out every month. If I grow fourteen inches then I’m going to end up being six feet tall!

I should get something done with my hair but I’m not sure what. For now I just pull it back into a ponytail. I wish it wasn’t so curly. It isn’t tight curls but it’s more than being wavy and it’s a total pain in the you-know-what sometimes.

Sam called...again. I wonder if I can get a restraining order–probably not. Anyway, he wants to do another movie and in trying to get out of it, I told him that my parents say I’m too young to date. His response was that the twins could come along too. Damn. Well I put him off with the excuse that between just getting over being sick and getting busy with the move that I didn’t have the time right now but that we’d see.

Hopefully I can keep stalling until Mom and I fly out of here. Have I mentioned recently my desire to strangle my brothers?

Oh, I almost forgot. Mom said that I could go to the mall and get some clothes by myself. She also said that she wanted me not to get clothes that were so baggy on me. I needed to make sure that they fit me better but did have some growing room.

I’ll go tomorrow and hopefully find something that will continue to hide my growing breasts and that satisfies Mom’s criteria. Yes, the tits are still growing too. I’m going to try to find out how to measure the damn things properly and I’ll add that to my stats too, maybe. I’m still in denial about all of this.

That’s all for tonight. Later.

End Journal Entry

Part 6

Journal Entry:February 6^th

Yesterday was an interesting and very long day. It started off normally enough but didn’t stay that way. I got up and had breakfast, and then did my schoolwork for the day plus some extra. I then went downstairs and did some gymnastics to warm up before my run. I got back from my run and had lunch and was working on some of my artwork when Mom came out of her office.

Apparently I haven’t been keeping my emotions quite under the control I thought I was. Mom asked if there was anything wrong or if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about. It seems that she and Dad are worried about me.

I know, I know, a perfect set up. Here was Mom giving me the perfect opening to talk with her, and I almost started to when the twins came crashing downstairs for a snack and to have Mom check their schoolwork.

The opportunity was lost and I just told her that everything was fine and I was okay. I’m not sure if she believed me or not.

Anyway, after getting the twins squared away, Mom came back and handed me three-hundred dollars and told me to go on over to the mall and get my shopping done. She said that I had to spend it on clothes and told me again that she would like me not to wear clothes that were so baggy on me.

Mom then told me to give her a call when I was ready and she would come pick me up.

So off I went to the mall. I figured that I could get by with a couple of pairs of jeans and some loose pullover tops. I also needed to get something to run in and that at the same time would hide my growing problems.

I went thru Sears and grabbed a couple of pairs of jeans and some shirts. I was walking down the mall when I came to the Victoria’s Secret store. Pausing, I was looking at all of the different types of bras and wondering what it felt like to wear one. I was also still wondering how you figured out what size you were. I had gone online to get the answer, but the explanation didn’t help too much. Apparently the best way is just to try them on–not real helpful for me.

As I am standing there idly daydreaming, I hear a squeal and suddenly someone is hugging me from behind. With my heart racing and feeling rather embarrassed for having been caught looking in the Victoria’s Secret window, I turn to my ‘attacker’ only to find Robbyn hopping up and down and giving me pecks on my cheeks.

“Alex!” she squeals. “It’s so great to see you here. Getting some shopping done? Me too. I just have to get started on getting the new summer styles before all of the good ones are gone. Are you here with someone or by yourself? My mom is here with me but we’ve split up for now. We’ll meet up later at the food court. So what have you got so far? Here, let me show you this lovely blouse I got. It’s so cute and I think they marked it wrong because it was so cheap. Isn’t it just lovely? Are you going in to get some new lingerie? Gee I wish my mom would let me buy something from here. Can you imagine wearing something like that? I’d feel absolutely wicked but it would be a blast. Let’s go in, at least we can look around.”

Yes, that’s exactly how she talks. Okay, maybe not exactly. I had to put in punctuation as she doesn’t use any. It’s just one long run-on sentence. But she is fun.

Well she drags me into the Victoria’s Secret store to look around and I am astounded at all of the different types of female underwear out there. Guys really only have boxers or briefs. I do get out of there as fast as I can and Robbyn is still chattering away. I can’t help but laugh a bit.

I need to get some new running shoes as mine are both worn out and too small. Robbyn tags along and when she finds out what I’m looking for, she drags me into the Lady Footlocker.

Great, just frigging great–now what am I supposed to do? I’ve already told her that I need shoes and here are shoes–girl shoes, but they are shoes. Figuring that I can just look around then declare that there isn’t anything to my taste, I let her lead me in.

Robbyn starts to grab different styles of shoes while expounding on the merits and faults of each. Now I’m sure they’re fine shoes and all, it’s just that pink or sequins or pink sequins are not my thing. I need running shoes, not fashion statements and definitely not shoes that scream, “girl!”

Well a salesperson comes up and asks if she can help us and before I can say anything, Robbyn tells her that I’m looking for some shoes. She asks my size and I’m stumped. I confess my ignorance and explain it away by saying that my feet have been growing a lot lately. Well the salesperson measures my foot then goes and grabs some styles for me to try.

I spend some time trying on shoes–more to placate Robbyn than really thinking I’d buy a pair, when the salesgirl pulls out a pair of dark blue Nikes. I slip them on and can’t believe how comfortable they are. The color is also good. So I end up getting them.

I go ahead and tell the salesgirl to toss my old shoes and that I’d wear these out. As I’m about to put them on, Robbyn comes back with her arms full of clothes and grabs my arm and starts to pull me towards the dressing room.

Before I even realize where I am, Robbyn has pushed me into one of the changing rooms.

“Now I know you seem to like that whole industrial grunge look and all, but I tell you it’s an absolute sin for someone with your looks to hide behind clothes like that. Now you said you were also getting some new running clothes and I just want you to try these on. I think that they’ll look great on you and the blue in the fabric will really bring out the blue in your eyes. So please, please, please for me will you try this on?”

I’m beginning to panic being in here and then I look in her eyes and she’s so eager and so...well, so perky and upbeat, that I just can’t bring myself to turn her down. I am really caught between a rock and a hard place here. But I finally give in and tell her I will try them on, but no promises on getting them.

Robbyn squeals and hops up and down, clapping her hands. (She seems to do that a lot.)

I take the clothes and go into the dressing room to change. Oh god, I can’t believe that I am going to do this. I pull off my sweatshirt and looking down I realize that the ace bandage would have to go as well. Nervously I unwrap myself and pull on the tank top Robbyn gave me. I then I take off my cargo pants and look at the shorts she gave me.

This is not going to work. The shorts are short in length, low on the hips and tight all over. First of all, my briefs would show thru, and second my itty bitty boy bits would, too. This top is rather snug as well and leaves no doubt that I have boobs. Oh geeze!

Robbyn calls out for me to hurry because she wants to see how it all looks. I take the plunge and whip off my briefs and tuck them into my pants pocket. I then pull on the shorts and boy oh boy are they snug. I reach in and push and tuck and arrange what little evidence of my maleness I have. When I’m done I double, then triple check to make sure that nothing that says, “boy” is visible then take hold of the latch and...freeze.

I can’t undo the latch. I can’t seem to make my hand lift it. I realize that the reason is that I am absolutely terrified. Robbyn calls out again for me to hurry. I really, really try and slowly the latch rises. The latch is up, but there is no way in hell I can open the door.

Just as I think that, the problem is taken out of my hands–quite literally. Robbyn pulls on the door and it flies open and I am standing there with what must be a real stupid look on my face.

Robbyn’s eyes light up when she sees me and she says, “I knew it, I just knew it. You have got to see yourself.”

At that she grabs my arm and pulls me out to face the mirror. The sight that faces me absolutely floors me. Facing me from the mirror is a tall, slender, attractive girl with her mouth hanging open. She’s wearing a very snug light blue tank top with dark blue edging and dark blue shorts (really short shorts) with light blue stripes. I am completely incapable, at this point, of saying anything. That is not the case for Robbyn.

“I knew it, I just knew it. That looks great on you. Wow, you have great legs, however, you really should shave them. Have you thought of getting them waxed? Your figure is great, I just don’t understand why you hide it like you do. Girl, you’re not wearing a bra? Why ever not? You’d really feel better with the support and don’t your nipples get sore? I don’t think I could go without one that’s for sure. But just look at how well this fits you! The colors are great, too. I just knew that they would be. Here, let me undo your hair. Now, just look at that: a perfect outfit to run in. You do need to wear a bra, though. I wish I had your figure. Well, what do you think? I really think you need to get this. Well, don’t you?”

So, I get the outfit. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m going to wear it or anything. I just think I get it because I am so stunned and Robbyn is so eager for me to buy it.

Anyway, I go back into the dressing room and change back into my old clothes. I have to admit that they aren’t as comfortable and don’t really feel ‘right’ for some reason. But I have to hide my body–at least until I can figure out what to do about it.

Robbyn and I leave the store and are just aimlessly walking around when I mention how much I’ve grown over the past year. I use that as my excuse for dressing the way I do. I also tell her that I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy. (Ain’t that the truth?)

We end up at the food court and I tell Robbyn that I need to give my Mom a call so she can come pick me up. At this point, Robbyn’s mom shows up and Robbyn immediately asks her if they can give me a ride home.

Well if that happens, there is a good chance that the truth will come out so I do my best to get out of it–no such luck though. Robbyn’s mom insists on giving me a ride. Robbyn starts to jump up and down clapping her hands. (See, I told you she does this a lot.)

Now it is only about 4:00pm and you can just see a light bulb go off in Robbyn’s head. She turns to her mom and says that since they’ll be giving me a ride home anyway, why don’t I come over for dinner. They can then take me home afterwards.

I’m turning bright red from embarrassment and am trying to tell Robbyn that isn’t necessary. But that’s like trying to hold back the tide. I’m learning that Robbyn is like a force of nature unto herself. Once she gets an idea, there’s no stopping her.

Her mom agrees, but trying to end this before it goes too far, I say that I have to call home to see if it’s okay first. I’m really hoping that Mom will say no. At this, Mrs. Anderson (Robbyn’s mom) whips out her cell phone and hands it to me.

So I call mom and that conversation goes a bit like this:

“Hello, Mom?”

“Hey, kiddo. Are you ready for me to pick you up?”

“Well, you see, I made a new friend and her mom said that they could give me a ride.”

“She? Your new friend is a girl? Yes, I suppose her mother can bring you home.”

“Yeah, it’s a girl, um, well that’s not all. See my friend’s name is, ah um, Robbyn Anderson and her mom is Joan and well, they invited me to dinner as well.”

“I see. Is her mother there?”

(I was dreading this part.)

“Um, yeah, she’s right here.”

“Well, may I speak with her please?”

(Oh god!)

“Um, okay. Mrs. Anderson, my Mom would like to talk with you.”

(Okay, here’s what I heard Mrs. Anderson say. Now what I’m dreading is a reference to a feminine me then having Mom correct her or Mom referring to me as a boy.)

Mrs. Anderson says, “Hello? Mrs. Connors? I’m Joan Anderson.”

“Yes, it seems that our children have the beginning of a friendship building.”

“Yes. Alex is more than welcome: it won’t be an imposition at all.”

(At this point, my Mom is obviously telling Mrs. Anderson a lot. Mrs. Anderson keeps looking over at me and nodding her head and occasionally saying things like, “yes,” or, “oh really,” or, “I quite understand.” Meanwhile, I’m looking around for a rock to hide under.)

“Okay then. I’ll talk to you later, Sharon. Here you go, Alex,” and she hands me back the phone. Sharon? They’re on a firstname basis already? Oh great!

“Um, Mom?”

“Yes, dear, you can have dinner with the Andersons. Robbyn’s mother seems quite nice. You need to be home no later than 9:30 okay, sweetheart?”

“Okay, Mom. Um, thanks.”

“Have fun, dear.”

And that’s how I ended up at Robbyn’s house.

I’ll fill you in on my adventures there and when I got home next time. You absolutely won’t believe everything that happened. But it’s past midnight, and I’m nodding off, so later.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 7

Journal Entry: February 7^th

Okay now, where were we? It seems that I was going home with Robbyn and her mom.

We leave the mall and go to their car and load all of our stuff into the back of their Honda Pilot, then Robbyn and I climb into the back seat and off we go.

It turns out that Robbyn only lives about a mile away from my house. At first I wasn’t too worried until Robbyn mentions that we could get together all of the time, now.

Now the prospect of hanging around Robbyn all of the time is rather mixed. On the positive side, well, I think that I’ve already mentioned that she’s gorgeous. Well, she’s also real funny, and real smart too. She’s a lot smarter than she acts. She tends to act the ‘dumb blonde,’ but she’s anything but dumb. She also makes me feel at ease. This isn’t something I take lightly. I think I’ve mentioned that I’m really shy and I’ve never felt that way around Robbyn. Maybe because of how we met, but the only other person I feel this at ease with is Ellen.

Now on the negative side, it’s all tied up in that she thinks I’m a girl. What will happen if she finds out the truth? I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to lose what’s turning out to be an important friendship for me.

Ugh! Why does my life have to be so complicated?

Well, we get to Robbyn’s house and we unload the car and take all of Robbyn’s things up to her room while her mom goes to take care of dinner.

Now I had formed a picture in my mind of how I thought Robbyn’s room would look. Boy am I wrong. I had expected pink and fluffy and boy band posters and movie star pictures and lots and lots of stuffed animals. I’m right about the stuffed animals and close about the pink.

Her room is a pale rose color and she has a big canopy bed covered in stuffed animals. On the walls though, there aren’t posters of movie stars and boy bands, instead there are pictures of the planets and posters of galaxies and other astronomical things. On her desk is even a picture of her meeting Stephen Hawking! Now I’m not big into physics (some of the math is just too out there for me) but even I have heard of Hawking.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a bunch of stuff around that absolutely made it clear that this is a girl’s room, but the astronomy and physics stuff threw me.

I asked her about it and she suddenly seemed very nervous and if I didn’t know any better, shy.

“You don’t think I’m weird or anything, do you?” she asks me.

Well, this question floors me and I’ve never seen her act so, well, so unsure of herself before. I quickly tell her that absolutely not, I think it is cool but I do wonder why she tends to put on the ‘dumb blonde’ act.

“Well, I am blonde you know. Plus I need to perfect my image if I’m going to get the scholarship I’m after plus the money I’ll need for school.”

My reply is, “You can get money for acting dumb?”

“Not dumb, but in a certain way.”

“Okay, I give, how?”

“I plan to win the Miss America contest the year I graduate high school.”

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I just stand there with what must be a stupid look on my face, then ask her to explain further.

“Well,” she starts, “you see, I plan on going to Stanford University and I’m going to study physics. My grandparents and my mom and dad have an education fund all set up for me to pay for it. Now I’ve made a deal with them, for every dollar, real or in the form of a scholarship that I can apply towards school, they will pay me directly into my personal account a dollar and a half.

“Now basic tuition at Stanford can be as much as $50,000 plus per year. So the more that I can apply to that, the more I can get. If I can get a $50,000 scholarship, I’ll get $75,000 from my folks and grandparents. That’s a huge incentive for me.

“These beauty contests are big on scholarships and in addition, did you know that the last Miss America earned over $100,000 for speaking engagements during her reign?”

“Okay,” I tell her, “let’s say you get into the contest, you’re certainly pretty enough, what’s your talent?”

She turns to her stereo and puts in a CD. The music starts to play then the singing begins and the voice is beautiful. I then realize that Robbyn is the one singing!

I can’t begin to describe the sound of her voice. You not only hear it, you feel it on an emotional level.

Robbyn sings a bit then stops and shyly asks, “Well?”

My only response is, “Wow!” I can’t tell her that at that moment I think I’ve fallen in love with her.

After I get my senses back, I tell her that between her wonderful voice and how absolutely gorgeous she is, she’s sure to win.

She smiles and immediately is back to her perky, energetic self. Apparently, Robbyn is a bit self-conscious about her abilities.

Robbyn then tries to tell me that she thinks I am far prettier than she is.

“Oh yeah, for a tall skinny boy I’m not too bad.” Then I realize what I have just said and my heart falls thru the floor.

There is silence in the room and I am afraid of looking at Robbyn for fear of her reaction.

I finally look up at her and I’m right: she looks just a tad pissed at me.

“Please don’t be mad at me Robbyn, I’m sorry.” I’m on the verge of tears.

Angrily she says, “As well you should be. Is it any wonder you say that, given the way you dress? You are pretty–beautiful in fact, but dressing the way you do you’ll never realize it. Now, Miss Thing, I’m going to show you just what a knockout you truly are. Now sit here and do exactly what I tell you to do. Understand? Good.”

Oh my god! Now what have I gotten myself into? I think I have blown the whistle on myself and she takes it for me putting myself down. I have no idea what to do, but to try to bluff my way through.

I sit at her dressing table where she indicates and say that maybe we should see if her mom needs any help with dinner. Her immediate reply is that her mom is just going to put together a chef’s salad and shrimp cocktail and that most of it is already made, and for me just to sit and be quiet for a minute while she looks me over.

She tells me that if we had the time that we’d do a total package makeover but for today, we’ll just do a bit of makeup.

Make up!? Me? I can’t wear makeup and I try to tell her this, too. I tell her that I’m not allowed to wear any and besides it is bad for your complexion, it clogs pores and is the leading cause of global warming, so you see, I just can’t...

Robbyn just stares at me, tapping her foot. I think I might have mentioned that she’s a bit of a force of nature when she gets an idea in her head.

“Bu-but I don’t know anything about makeup and I’m sure we don’t have time before dinner for me to learn and then I have to go home so there won’t be time for me to learn and...”

Tap, tap, tap.

“We can wash it right off, right? I mean I’m sure that you’re great at putting this stuff on and all but I just know I’ll look ridiculous and so we can just do a tiny bit then wash it all off. Right?”

“Hmm...we’ll see. In fact, I’ll make you this promise, if you do look ‘ridiculous’ when I’m thru with you, then you can wash it all off. Okay?”

Feeling totally defeated I tell her, “Okay.” After all, no one is going to see me, right?

Oh god, how do I keep getting into these situations?

Robbyn’s response to my saying, ‘Okay,’ is to start jumping up and down clapping her hands.

“Okay then, come with me. I need your help carrying something upstairs.”

So we trek downstairs to the kitchen to get a barstool from the breakfast counter.

Mrs. Anderson is doing something at the sink and I immediately offer to help with dinner in any way possible.

Mrs. Anderson says that everything is pretty much done and that we’d eat in an hour. Robbyn just glares at me.

We carry the stool up to Robbyn’s room and Robbyn has me sit with my back to the mirror.

“Now, absolutely no peeking and try not to move around too much,” she says.

“This isn’t going to hurt or anything is it?” I ask.

“Don’t be silly. Now sit.”

I sit and Robbyn starts to brush my hair. I ask her why she acts dumber than she really is.

“Well,” she replies, “I tend to scare off people when they find out how smart I am. They tease me and call me names. I just find it easier all around to act the way people expect me to act. I guess I just gave up trying to tell everyone that I’m really not the way they initially perceive me to be.

“You don’t know how hard it is to be constantly mistaken for something you’re not.”

I’m about to jump in and tell her everything when she continues.

“There’s also the whole Miss America thing. It’s not that they’re looking for stupid, it’s just they look for a ‘type’ and a ‘look.’ If I can give them the look and type they’re seeking, I figure I’ll win. Anyhow, if nothing else, it’ll be fun.”

As she talks, she brushes my hair. I become so relaxed. I never realized just how relaxing having your hair brushed can be.

Robbyn is brushing, and then using what looks like a mechanical brush that is hot and spins on my hair until she finally pronounces that part done.

I start to get up and turn around when she stops me.

“Hey, we haven’t even begun yet. Sit.”

So I sit, and sit, and sit. All the while, she keeps rubbing stuff into my face then wiping it off, then putting something else on.

This goes on and on and I finally ask her what she is doing. She tells me not to worry about what she’s doing and to just relax and enjoy it. If everything goes as she has planned, she is sure that I will be begging her to learn it all.

Well, I don’t think that is at all likely, but I take her advice anyway and try to relax.

I must have done a good job of it because between the music playing in the background and the sound of her voice and all of the gentle touches on my face, an hour passes without me even realizing it.

The next thing I know, Robbyn’s mom comes and knocks on the door and sticks her head in the room to tell us that dinner is ready.

I’m still a bit dazed and totally relaxed so I barely notice the shocked expression on her face.

Robbyn says that she’s just finishing up, and I stand up and stretch. I then turn to look into the mirror only to find that Robbyn has covered it up with a sheet.

Robbyn says she wants to wait until after dinner for the unveiling.

My immediate response is to look and then wash it all off, but eventually Robbyn gets me very reluctantly to agree to wait until after dinner.

So we all traipse downstairs. I’m bringing up the rear when about halfway down the stairs I notice someone in the living room. I freeze and Robbyn takes off running, yelling, “Daddy, you made it!”

I’m frozen on the stairs. This is getting way out of hand now. I’m sure that with whatever Robbyn has done to me and, oh I don’t know–all I do know is that I’m scared to death. Here is someone else who would either mistake me for a girl or see thru this charade and blow the whistle. It is a no win situation for me.

Robbyn and her dad are obviously close and after they finish their hugging, Robbyn looks around and sees me still on the stairs.

Robbyn comes over to me, takes my hand and gives me a tug. “Alex, I want you to meet my dad.” Robbyn pulls me over to her father and says, “Dad, this is my friend Alex. Alex, this is my dad.”

“Um, it’s nice to meet you, sir.”

“The pleasure is all mine. Are you in school with Robbyn?”

“Oh no, sir. We just met the other day at the theater.”

“Oh, do you work there?”

“Me? Oh no, I’m not old enough to get a job yet.”

“Oh, my mistake, you look like you’re 17 or 18.”

I give a little laugh and tell him I’m only 15, or will be in May.

We are all heading into the dining room and at my remark, all three of them stop and look at me.

“What?”

Robbyn says that she was sure I was 17, 16 at the youngest.

I’m thinking that maybe everyone believes I’m too young and that Robbyn might not want me to be here anymore ’cause I’m too young to be with her, and I start to mumble that maybe I should just go and that I’m sorry and I won’t be a bother as my house isn’t too far away.

Okay, so I’m just a little bit insecure. So sue me.

So I stop and Robbyn stops and sees that I’m clearly upset and her parents see that I’m upset and leave us alone after telling me that I am more than welcome to stay, that they are just a bit surprised because I look so much older than I really am.

Robbyn comes over and gives me a hug. “Silly goose, mom was right, we all just thought that you were older because you look and act so much older. It’s okay if you’re not, it was just a surprise. Heck, I’m only fifteen myself. Now let me dab your eyes ’cause if you let your makeup run, I’ll clock you a good one.”

Oh god, I have almost forgotten the makeup.

We all sit down to eat and Mrs. Anderson keeps looking at me and it’s beginning to freak me out. I finally ask her if something is wrong.

Her reply is, “No, I was just admiring the makeup job. Did you do it or did Robbyn?”

“Me? No way, I don’t know the first thing about makeup. This is all Robbyn. It doesn’t look too bad, does it?”

Smiling, she says, “Lord no, Robbyn did an outstanding job. You also have great features and a wonderful complexion so don’t give Robbyn all of the credit.”

“Robbyn won’t let me see it yet.”

To this, Robbyn says that I can, right after dinner.

Well, both Mr. and Mrs. Anderson make a few more compliments that only make me more nervous and embarrassed, and then the conversation turns to other things like Mr. Anderson’s work. Apparently he is a doctor, a surgeon to be exact.

I’m afraid that I don’t eat all that much, I’m much too nervous. After dinner, I offer to help clean up but Mrs. Anderson just tells Robbyn and myself to run on and have fun. So we go back up to Robbyn’s room.

The time has come for me to see exactly what Robbyn has done to me. To say I’m nervous would have been an understatement. Quite frankly, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Robbyn has me sit back down at the makeup table, facing the mirror this time. She gives my hair a quick brush and then touches up the makeup a bit and then tells me to close my eyes.

Just wanting to get this over with at this point, I follow her instructions and close them. My stomach is doing flip-flops the whole time and the butterflies I have, have grown to the size of eagles.

I hear Robbyn remove the sheet from the mirror and find myself holding my breath when she finally tells me to open my eyes.

You’re absolutely going to love what happens next.

So, I open my eyes and look into the mirror and the next thing I realize is that Robbyn and her mom and dad are leaning over me asking if I’m okay. I had fainted.

After assuring everyone that I am indeed fine, I sit back up and look into the mirror again. I almost pass out again.

The person looking back at me isn’t me! This can’t be me. This is a girl, a girl older than me.

Okay, I know that I’m constantly being mistaken for a girl, hence my current predicament. I will even reluctantly admit that I do look a bit like a girl. But this! What is looking back at me was not someone who happens to look a bit like a girl, this IS a girl, a beautiful girl. There is nothing to say boy but my clothes. Robbyn has done some sort of magic.

My hair is now straight with the ends curling inward. It even looks longer. The makeup itself is very subtle: I have to look really closely to see most of it. My cheekbones are more defined and I also now know what Robbyn means about making my eyes pop. They are now popping away. They look far bluer than they have ever looked before, larger too.

My lips look fuller and are shiny. I find myself wondering what it would be like to kiss those lips then suddenly remember that those kissable lips are mine. Even my slightly crooked nose looks good.

I am completely speechless and I don’t know how long I stand there just looking at myself. It is obviously long enough for Robbyn to worry that I hate what she has done.

Robbyn says, “Oh, you don’t like it! I really, really thought you would, too.”

All I can do is turn to her and hug her. I bury my face into her shoulder and cry. I cry and I cry, and between sobs I try to tell her that she has done a wonderful job. When she asks why I’m crying then, I can’t tell her. I don’t know the real reason myself.

After making sure that I’m okay, Robbyn’s dad leaves the room but Robbyn’s mom is still there. When I finally get my crying under control, I can see that she and Robbyn are both worried about my reaction.

I try to tell them that everything is fine, that Robbyn has done such an outstanding job that it is just a shock for me to see it. I hadn’t expected such a dramatic change. All of that is true up to a point, but there is more to it than that and I can’t tell them. Hell, I don’t know all of the reasons myself.

At this point, all of my crying has totally ruined Robbyn’s wonderful makeup job. I now look like a raccoon with puffy red eyes.

Mrs. Anderson tells us to get all cleaned up then she’ll drive me home. Robbyn shows me how to clean off all of the makeup. We then go downstairs, both of us in much better spirits.

They take me home and Robbyn won’t let me get out of the car until I promise her that we’ll get together again later this week. I agree and she says she’ll call me after school the next day and we’ll arrange a day and time.

I tell them both goodbye and thank you, and then take my packages inside.

That was pretty much how my weekend went. Oh, today Mom went thru all of the stuff I had bought. Okay, not the running outfit that Robbyn talked me into buying, I hid that, but everything else. She isn’t real pleased by how big some of the stuff is but I did point out that given how fast I’m growing, bigger is better. This is just meant to hold me over until my growing slows down or stops.

She agrees and then comments on my new shoes. She asks, “Why did you get girls’ shoes?”

Well, I’m floored. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I thought Nike only used the pink swoosh on the girls’ shoes.”

Damn, I never even noticed that. I just say, “Oh man, I didn’t even see that. Well they’re probably the most comfortable shoes I’ve gotten so far. Maybe I can just cover the pink with a marker or something.”

That seems to satisfy her. I still have almost a hundred dollars left so she says I should go back and get some more clothes–ones that fit even better. She’ll deal with having me grow out of them.

Damn. Well, hopefully I’ll think of something.

Oh well, this is one of the longest entries that I’ve done so far and I think I need to end it.

Later.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 8

Journal Entry: February 8^th

I’ve got to say that this past weekend has been one of the most emotionally-draining weekends of my life.

I am so confused by how my life is going right now. I need to find some answers. I don’t know what to do about what is happening to my body. I really want to talk to someone but I’m too scared to.

I want us to move so I can get away from so many people thinking I’m a girl.

Yes, Sam called me again today–several times in fact. I’m beginning to wonder what the stalking laws in this state are.

Then there’s Robbyn. I really like her. I mean I really, really like her. But she thinks I’m a girl, too. The first time in my life I think I’ve found a true friend, and I can’t tell her my fears or ask her advice.

If I tell her the truth, she won’t want to see me again. Yet I think I’d be willing to maintain this charade so we could remain friends, but that won’t happen because we’re going to be moving clear across the country. Argh!

Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just go with the flow for the next few weeks before we move. Hopefully Robbyn won’t find out that I’m not a girl, although the chances of her finding out are getting bigger and bigger. It seems that our moms have taken to each other and are forming their own friendship. I figure it’s only a matter of time before my true gender comes up then ‘splat’ as the proverbial doo doo hits the proverbial fan.

It’s a wonder I’m not bald by now given how much I tend to pull my hair. Maybe that’s why it’s gotten so long.

Anyway, Robbyn called this evening and we’ll be getting together on Wednesday. Hopefully it will be a quiet meeting. I’m all over having the drama for awhile.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 9^th

Well nothing much happened today except I went back to the mall to get some more of the clothes Mom wanted me to get.

I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I kept expecting to have Robbyn jump out and drag me into the junior miss department and force me into dresses.

Then the more I worried about that, the more I started to think that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I can’t begin to tell you how thoroughly messed up and confused I feel.

There was one point that I almost talked myself into going back into the Lady Footlocker for another running outfit–I chickened out.

It seems like my mind is getting as mixed up as my body. I really don’t know what to do any more.

I did decide one thing though: I decided that I really wanted my friendship with Robbyn to work and even survive me moving away. Hopefully I can get up the nerve to tell her the truth about me and she will still want to be friends. If our friendship is to be, then I know I’ll have to tell her the truth. I’m just so scared.

We’ll see.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 10^th

Robbyn and I get together over at her house and surprisingly it is a relatively quiet time.

We primarily talk about our likes and dislikes and they are very similar. For instance, we both love closing the door to our room and cranking the stereo and singing and dancing to the music.

The difference between us is I can’t carry a tune in a bucket and she has the voice of an angel.

I ask her why she bothers with the beauty pageants when she has a voice that is as good as or better than any you hear on the radio. She figures that she has a better chance with the pageants over a singing career.

I find out that she wants to be the physicist that discovers the secret to cold fusion and she learns that I will probably be a starving artist. I just don’t really know what I want to do yet, and I’m not sure how I can make a living out of the things I enjoy. Hopefully I can figure it out in the next few years.

We talk about the other night and how I reacted to seeing what she had done.

When she asks again why I fainted, I tell her, “I’m not really sure why. It was a shock, I mean, I’ve never had makeup on before and I just looked so different.”

“You’ve never played with makeup? I thought that every girl had by the time she was our age.”

“Well, not me. I was always interested in other things.”

She then says, “I know you were upset about everything the other night and I’m sorry. I tend to go overboard on things a lot. I hope you’re not mad at me.”

“Robbyn, I’m not mad, not at all. I was shocked, that’s all. Um, in fact, ah, maybe you can show me some of what you did, sometime.”

I really can’t believe that I said that.

Robbyn’s response is to squeal, clap her hands and jump up and give me a hug.

That makes it worth it, right there.

So the next time we get together, I’m going to get a lesson in how to apply makeup. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a cliff to jump off.

I suppose it won’t be too bad and maybe I can maintain some sort of control of this whole thing.

We have a pretty quiet evening and then I go home. Robbyn is busy for the rest of the week so, we’ll get together this weekend.

End Journal Entry

Part 9

Journal Entry: February 13^th

I’m just re-reading what I wrote in my last entry and my oh my, I’m still laughing over what I said. Me? Maintain control? HA!

So, Robbyn and I got together again today.

After I took care of my chores, I tell Mom that I’m going over to Robbyn’s and she says that it’s fine.

Since Wednesday I’ve been struggling with an idea and you’ll be proud that I didn’t chicken out. Oh, I can tell you’re all aquiver wanting to know just what I did. Well, you know that running outfit that Robbyn talked me into getting? Well, I’m wearing it. Ta-da!

What I did is put on my regular running clothes over it and when I’m out of sight of the house, I just take the outer layer off and put the clothes into my pack.

I gotta say that it is real comfortable to run in. I suppose I should have had a bra but I don’t and I couldn’t wear the ace bandage. I thought that for the short run to Robbyn’s house that it would be okay. Physically it isn’t too bad–I’m a little sore, but generally okay.

There is another problem that I discover: my nipples pop up when I run. Apparently the rubbing from my top makes them do it. I don’t realize it until I’m at Robbyn’s, and she mentions my lack of bra again.

Can you say, “embarrassed?” I nearly die. Robbyn just laughs at me and tells me to get a bra. Yeah, easy for her to say.

So tonight, I learn some of the basics of putting on makeup. I’m finding that the concept is far easier than the reality. I have no idea that there are so many different types of makeup. Robbyn, I think, has them all.

Did you know that there is makeup that won’t reveal its color until it’s mixed? And the application methods! Robbyn has nearly as many brushes as I have, and I have a ton of brushes. There are also sponges, airbrushes, trowels, shovels and backhoes. I was half-expecting a John Deere tractor to show up to put on the final touches.

Well, I find out that applying makeup is like art and I am picking it up real fast. I think Robbyn is impressed with how fast I’m learning it.

I still can’t get over how different I look with makeup on. I mean, I’m still me, but it’s like the makeup refines the feminine and erases what little maleness I have. Maybe that’s the point. I don’t know but I’m surprised that that prospect doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it should.

Am I really turning into a girl? Am I coming to terms with that if I am?

I don’t have the answers and I sure wish I did. I do so want to tell Mom. I also want to tell Robbyn because she’s my best and only friend and she should know, and Mom because I really need her help on this.

It’s like I’m lost in the woods and I know that the only way out is to ask her help. I’m just scared of what her and Dad’s reaction is going to be.

Yuck, enough of this, back to the makeup lesson.

Robbyn and I play with different looks. It’s amazing what just a minor change in shading or color can do to your ‘look.’ I know this from my artwork of course, but somehow I just never thought of it in the context of makeup application.

Once I start looking at it from an artistic perspective, my confidence and skill grow rapidly. By the end of the evening, I feel like I have been doing this for years. Robbyn is shocked–let me tell you–actually, so am I.

There’s still an awful lot that I need to learn, and when it comes to girl stuff, Robbyn looks to be the best teacher I could have.

All too soon, it’s time for me to go home. Robbyn and I promise to get together again tomorrow, and maybe take in a movie.

So off I go and I’m almost home when I realize that I need to put my other clothes on. I can’t believe that I almost forget!

I’m thinking that I’m going to try Band-Aids over my nipples next time I go out. That might help the rubbing, and is worth a try at least.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 14^th

If I hadn’t mentioned it before, this whole girl thing is really messing with my head. Seriously, one minute I’m in a total panic about changing into a girl, and the next minute I seem to be embracing it. I really don’t know what’s happening to me.

Take today for example. When I first got up and was thinking about what happened with Robbyn yesterday, it initially depressed me. Then Mom asks if Robbyn and I still have plans for a movie, and that if we do, she will plan on a late dinner.

I tell Mom that it is still on and go upstairs to give Robbyn a call to firm up the arrangements. I’m still a bit depressed about the whole thing, but soon Robbyn and I are talking and her excitement catches hold of me, and then the next thing I know, I’m wondering if I should ask Robbyn for a bit of makeup to wear to the movie!

See what I mean? It’s really hard to put into words but there are times that I both dread and look forward to what is happening to me at the same time. It’s crazy but true.

Before I leave for Robbyn’s house, I once again try to talk with Mom. As you probably guessed, I chicken out. Instead, I ask about the move and the now-depressing answer is that Mom and I are driving out in two weeks. If I’m going to tell Robbyn, I have that long to do it.

It’s now time for me to get ready to go on over to Robbyn’s house. We are going to meet up there, have lunch and then her mom is going to run us over to the mall.

So, I go and take my shower. While in there, I wash my new running outfit and I’m hoping that I can dry it with my hair drier. It works, but it takes forever. I put a Band-Aid over each nipple to try to keep them under control, and then dress in my running outfit with my boy clothes over it.

I yell a fast goodbye to Mom and head out the door quickly, because without the bandage binding my chest, it’s easy to tell that I have breasts. Two blocks away, I take off the boy clothes and stuff them into my pack and jog the rest of the way to Robbyn’s house.

Mrs. Anderson greets me at the door and says, “Why hello, Alex. That’s a very nice running outfit you have on today.”

Feeling a bit embarrassed I reply, “Thank you, Mrs. Anderson.” I’m then rescued by Robbyn who immediately takes me up to her room.

Once up in her room, I begin to feel like I should have stayed downstairs with her mom, being embarrassed. Robbyn immediately quizzes me on my attire.

“So, is that what you’re going to wear to the movie?”

“Um, no, I have a pair of jeans and a shirt in my pack.”

Robbyn takes my pack from my hands and pulls out my clothes. “You’re going to wear these?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with them?”

“Just about everything. Here, let’s do this right. Follow me,” and she leads me into her bathroom.

“Take your shoes and socks off and sit on the edge of the tub.”

Not really knowing what she has in mind, I hesitantly do as she asks. Robbyn then proceeds to rub a thick lotion all over my legs from about mid-thigh down to my ankles. The lotion has a strong orange odor to it, but it also has a sharp chemical smell that the orange scent doesn’t completely cover.

When I ask what she’s doing, Robbyn just says, “Hush, I’m thinking.” She then tells me that she’ll be right back and goes back into her room. Robbyn is gone for about five minutes and when she returns, she has a bunch of clothes with her.

As I sit on the edge of the tub, Robbyn looks at me, then mumbles to herself and sorts thru the clothes she has and then does it again. This goes on for about ten minutes, and all the while, my legs start to tingle and kind of itch in an odd way. I finally interrupt Robbyn’s musings to tell her and she instructs me to swing my legs into the tub and rinse the lotion off.

To say that I’m shocked to see my legs completely bare of all hair would be an understatement.

“Robbyn! All of my hair fell out!”

“Oh good, that’s much better.”

“Good? Better? How can you say that? It all just fell out!”

“Of course, silly, what did you expect?”

Well I just stand there with my mouth opening and closing without any sound being made. I expect that I closely resemble a stranded fish. After a few seconds of this, I start to both laugh and cry at the same time. It’s not real easy to do, but I manage it.

This whole time, Robbyn just stands there with her head cocked to one side and a puzzled expression on her face. I finally manage to get myself under some control and still slightly giggling and sobbing to myself, I ask Robbyn what she’s up to.

“Well you just can’t go in what you brought with you so I thought that you could wear something of mine but it can’t be pants because your legs are much longer than mine, damn it, so I thought either a skirt or shorts and since it’s either a skirt or shorts, then you just have to have smooth legs so what is it going to be, a skirt or shorts because either would look absolutely fab on you and even more so if your legs were a bit more tan and that can be taken care of with a good bronzer but not today since I don’t have any at the moment so what do you think?”

Somewhere in there I think I’m lost, so my only response is an unintelligent “What?”

One heavy sigh and an eye roll later, Robbyn answers, “A skirt or shorts, silly. Which one or should I pick?”

“Pick?”

“Okay then, although I think a skirt would look best but maybe we should go with the shorts instead. NO! I have the perfect thing!” and off she dashes back into her room.

If you are wondering what my expression is during all of this, just look into a mirror then have someone slap you in the back of the head with a board. That will come pretty close.

I dazedly follow Robbyn back into her room. She’s rummaging around in her closet and finally lets out a triumphant, “Ah ha!” Turning around she holds in one hand a hanger that in turn holds what looks like a square of white denim and in the other, a hanger that has a blue shirt on it.

“Ta-da!” she lets out with a smile.

My response is, “You’ll look very nice in that.”

“Ugh, they’re not for me, silly, this is for you to wear.” After this, she tosses them to me and turns back to her closet. “I have what I’m going to wear right here.”

Well, I just stand there stunned, holding the clothes and looking over what she tossed me. As I say, the shirt, blouse, whatever, is easy enough to identify, while the other seems to be a combination of a skirt and shorts.

When I finally look up to ask Robbyn just what she expects me to do with these, I notice that she is standing in front of her closet wearing nothing but her panties!

I quickly turn away but the image is burned into my brain–boy oh boy. My face feels like it is about to burst into flames and I think I’m hyperventilating.

“Um, R-Rob-byn?” I squeak.

“Don’t just stand there, change. I want to see how they fit.”

“Ra-Ra-Robbyn? Ch-change? I, I can’t, n-not h-here!”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, you are a silly one, you know that?”

With that, she takes my arm and leads me to the bathroom. I’m trying to look and not look at the same time, then she shoves me in and closes the door after stating quite firmly, “Now change!”

Okay, now what do I do? I mean these are girls’ clothes! I can’t wear girls’ clothes. I know the running outfit is girls’ clothes too, but they’re enough like regular boy clothes that I can kind of pretend. Okay, maybe not, but I feel like I can, but these? These are real clothes, I mean real girl clothes. It, it’s a b-blouse and a, a skirt or at least it looks like a skirt even if it’s really shorts, and if I wear that, everyone will think I’m wearing a skirt and not shorts and even if they think I’m wearing shorts they’d be girl shorts and...

The babbling goes on in my head for some time until Robbyn knocks on the door demanding to know what’s taking me so long.

“Hold on, hold on,” oh geeze, why does this always happen to me? I try to be good. I help kittens cross the road; I get little old ladies out of trees. So why me?

As I continue to babble to myself, I’m pulling off my top and putting the top Robbyn gave me on. I’m having difficulty as the buttons are all on the wrong side! Damn, damn, damn.

After managing to get the top on right, my attention turns to the shorts/skirt thingy. Now the running shorts that I have on are too tight for me to wear underwear with, but also tight enough to hold all of my boy parts tucked away. I think that I can wear this skirt thingy over them and try it on.

I’m in a complete daze as I try to figure out how this thing goes on. I finally find the tag and slip my legs in and pull it on up. The fit is rather snug and I have a bit of trouble pulling up the side zipper and getting the waist snapped.

I get everything put together and look down at myself. Crap, this is one short skirt, shorts. Whatever it is, it’s damned short.

Robbyn knocks on the door again telling me to hurry.

My reply is, “I can’t wear this, it’s too small for me.”

Robbyn’s reply is to open the door and see for herself. Damn, I forgot to lock the door.

“It looks fine. See, I told you it would. Now get out here.” She grabs my hand and pulls me back into her room.

“Robbyn, I don’t know about this.”

“What? You look great. Now your tennis shoes would work, but I think I have something better.” At that, she turns back to her closet and starts rummaging around on the floor.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to see if I can pull the hem any lower and am trying real hard not to have a panic attack. I’m not having much luck with either one.

With an exclamation of triumph, Robbyn emerges with a pair of white sandals.

I finally have to sit down on her makeup bench because I’m beginning to feel light headed. I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing and I don’t even notice Robbyn putting the sandals on my feet until she says, “There,” and pats my leg.

I open my eyes and see Robbyn kneeling at my feet smiling up at me. I can’t help but smile back. Here is someone who truly is my friend. All she wants to do is help me. It amazes me that I feel so close to her this fast. I know that I’m going to do everything I can to keep this friendship.

Robbyn asks me if I’m okay and I smile at her and say I’m fine. “But don’t you think that this skirt shorts thingy is a bit too short?”

“It’s a skort and no, it isn’t too short. It covers more of you than your running shorts do so what’s the problem?”

“Well, the running shorts are different, I’m running in them. This, well, this is a skirt and I’ll just be hanging around and my legs are so, well I don’t know, exposed I guess.”

At this, Robbyn starts giggling and then laughing. I review what I have just said and can’t help but start to giggle myself. Suddenly I’m not so nervous and think that maybe I can survive this after all.

I start to get up when Robbyn tells me to stay put. “You need just a bit of makeup,” and before I can do or say anything, she has brushed a bit of blush on my cheeks and hands me some lip-gloss.

“There, you don’t need that much and that should do it. Besides, I don’t want you fainting on me again.”

At this, I stick my tongue out at her and get up. Robbyn tells me to wait and goes back to her closet. Gads, what now?

When she turns back, she has a wide belt in one hand and a small purse in the other.

“Okay, first, un-tuck the blouse and put the belt over it, it should look better. Second, here,” and she hands me the purse.

“What’s this for?” At her look I amend, “I know what it’s for, but why do I need it?”

“Well if you check closer, you’ll realize you don’t have any pockets. You need something to carry your money and makeup in.”

“Okay, but couldn’t you carry my money? And besides, I don’t have any makeup.”

“Why don’t you want to carry a purse?”

“Well, it’s just so, oh I don’t know, it’s so...okay, give me the purse.”

“Here, put this lip-gloss in there too.”

Sighing to myself, I do as she says and then we go downstairs.

We go into the kitchen to fix some lunch and as Robbyn pulls things out of the fridge, she hands them to me and I place them on the counter.

Soon we have all the fixings for ham and cheese sandwiches out and are beginning to make them when Mrs. Anderson asks from behind us if we could make her one too. Well, this obviously startles Robbyn and she lets out a little yelp and spills mustard on her top.

“Shit.”

“Robbyn Marie Anderson! Watch your language, young lady.”

“Sorry, mom, I just spilt mustard on my new blouse.”

“Well go take it off and get it soaking before the stain sets and get a new top on. Alex and I will finish making the sandwiches, and watch your language from now on.”

“Yes, mom. Sorry.”

So off she goes and I’m left alone with her mom. I’m trying to be invisible and hoping, maybe not rationally but still hoping, that she won’t notice what I’m wearing.

No such luck.

“That’s a nice outfit you’re wearing, Alex.”

“Um, thank you, Mrs. Anderson. Um, it’s Robbyn’s idea.”

“Well you look very nice in it. I’m glad to see you and Robbyn are getting along so well.”

“Oh she’s great, Mrs. Anderson. I’ve never had a friend like her before.”

“Well to tell you the truth, Robbyn hasn’t very many friends herself and I can’t tell you how very pleased I am that the two of you have gotten so close so fast.”

“You know, I was thinking about that too. It’s almost like we’ve known each other all our lives. I don’t make friends easily. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit shy. But with Robbyn it’s different. Anyway, I’m glad we met.”

“I am too, honey, just don’t let her bully you into doing things you don’t want to.”

“Oh I won’t, ma’am.” Now what does she mean by that?

We finish up making the sandwiches and by then Robbyn has returned.

We eat and talk about fashion. Well we eat and THEY talk about fashion. I don’t know the first thing about it. Ellen, on the other hand, would be right at home in this conversation.

At this, I’m reminded that in two weeks I’ll be leaving, and that I need to tell Robbyn about myself.

When we finish, we go out and Mrs. Anderson drives us to the mall.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 10

Journal Entry: February 15^th

Sorry about that. I had to take a break. It was 1:30 in the morning and Mom came into my room and made me shut everything down.

So let’s see. I believe that Mrs. Anderson was taking Robbyn and me to the mall.

We have her drop us off at the end opposite the theaters so we can do some window-shopping on the way to the movie. Actually, that’s Robbyn’s idea. If it had been left up to me, I would have gone straight to the theater wrapped up in a blanket.

I don’t care what Robbyn says, this skort is damned short. Also, I never realized what the hair on my legs did until suddenly not having it. Now my hair wasn’t either thick or dark, and you’d hardly notice it, but I gotta tell ya, I sure notice now that it’s gone. Every slight breeze is felt and it’s like my sense of touch is heighted tenfold on my legs.

Well, we get out of the car and head towards the entrance and I’m feeling more and more self-conscious. It seems that everyone is turning to stare at me. They aren’t, but it does feel that way.

I stop just before we go in and I’m really nervous. Robbyn turns and asks me what’s wrong.

“Oh, gee, I don’t know. Just a bit, I don’t know, nervous I guess.”

“Nervous, what have you got to be nervous about?”

“Um, well, wearing this skirt for one thing.”

“Skort, and why should that make you nervous?”

“Skort then. It still looks like a skirt and I’ve never worn one before.”

“What!? You’ve never worn a dress or a skirt before? That’s incredible.”

“Well, not since I was about seven I haven’t.”

“Wow, I had no idea. You look great, it will be fine, you’ll see.”

“I don’t know...”

“Come on, you’ll see.”

At that, she takes my hand and leads me inside.

The first ten minutes or so are pure hell, but soon I realize that Robbyn is right, it is no big deal, at least from everyone else’s perspective. To them, we are just two girls at the mall.

So I gradually relax and by the time we get to the theater, I have pretty much put it all from my mind. I’m really having fun being here with Robbyn.

Well, the movie is one that had come out last year about Amelia Earhart and they are doing a short re-release of it. Robbyn has heard that it is really good and wants to see it. It sounds interesting to me so I agree.

Afterwards, we are both in tears. I keep denying it but Robbyn isn’t buying it.

“So, you got something in your eye?”

“Yup.”

“Both eyes?”

“Um, yes, must be dust or something.”

“So when she said, ‘Everyone has oceans to fly,’ that wasn’t you who let out a little sob?”

“How would you know? You were sobbing, too.”

“So it was you?”

“Okay, maybe.”

We both start laughing. We are back in the lobby and we’re talking about the movie and the love that Amelia and George had for each other. The next thing I know we are in the girls’ bathroom.

Oh boy, does this bring back memories. Well I can’t really go screaming out of there, so I figure that the best thing is to do our business then get out as fast as possible. So, I go and do my business then am out at the sinks washing up when Robbyn finishes and joins me.

I’m about to leave when Robbyn stops me.

“You can’t go out like that.”

Looking at myself in the mirror, I can’t see what’s wrong.

“Like what?”

“You need to touch up your makeup, silly. What if you run into someone you know?”

“Well, I don’t really know anyone so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Robbyn isn’t to be dissuaded so I pull out the lip-gloss and re-apply it.

“Better?”

Robbyn just kind of rolls her eyes at me, finishes touching up her makeup then we leave.

We leave the theater and are heading to the food court when Robbyn says, “Who just said they didn’t know anyone? Isn’t that your boyfriend over there?”

Looking up quickly, I see Sam going into the music store. Damn.

“He’s not my boyfriend. I just went to the movies with him that one time and that was for my brothers’ sake. I sure didn’t want to go. Ever since, he’s been calling, wanting to go out again.”

“Well, can you blame him? A cute little number like you?”

My mouth falls open and Robbyn starts laughing. I raise my fist and Robbyn lets out a little squeal and laughing, rushes off to the food court.

“Robbyn Anderson you’ll pay for that.”

I catch up with her and we get in line for a couple of salads.

“Let’s hurry so we can get out of here. I don’t want Sam to see me here.”

“I’m not going to wolf down my salad just so you can avoid one of your admirers. You’ll just have to deal with him.”

“You make it sound like I beat them off with a stick.”

“With your looks, I don’t know why you don’t.”

“You’re far prettier than I am. Oh, I know, I’ll get Sam interested in you and you can see how you like getting kissed.”

“You kissed him!”

Oops. “No, he kissed me. There is a difference.”

“So how did you like it?”

“I didn’t. Besides, I was too busy being sick to pay too much attention to it at the time. He did it the night you and I first met.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Ugh, so tell me about the kiss, silly.”

“There’s nothing to tell. The movie had just ended and he leaned over and kissed me before I even realized it.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“Nothing else? Just leaned over and ‘smack’ planted a kiss and that’s all?”

“Pretty much, but the good news is I still haven’t had any signs of morning sickness.”

“Wha...? Oh you! You’re teasing me.”

I can’t help but laugh. Robbyn throws a crouton at me.

Just then someone comes up to our table. “Um, hi, Alex...”

Looking up, there is Sam. Poor Sam, when Robbyn and I both look up at the same time, the first thing we both do is start to laugh. Sam has a real confused look on his face. Unfortunately he doesn’t leave. He just stands there looking confused and like he wants to say something.

Still giggling I say, “Hi, Sam. You remember my friend, Robbyn?”

“Oh, yeah. Um, Alex, I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime.”

“Sam, I already told you that I’m too young to date, my folks won’t let me. Listen, you’re a nice guy and all but I don’t want to date anyone, even if I was allowed. We can still be friends, though.”

“Oh, yeah well, um yeah, I’d like that. Well, you take care. Bye.”

At that, he takes off.

“Wow, you came down hard on him.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“That whole, ‘I don’t want to date you and let’s be friends,’ thing. I’d have a hard time being that blunt.”

“Humm, yeah, normally I would, too. I mean I have been, but he just wouldn’t take the hint.”

“Just hope he doesn’t take that, ‘let’s be friends,’ thing as hope that he can change your mind.”

“You don’t think he will, do you?”

“Boys are weird. Who knows how they’ll react to anything you tell them?”

What can I say to that?

We finish up our salads and are just wandering around looking in the windows. Robbyn turns to me and says, “You seem quiet. Something wrong?”

“Yeah. I was just thinking that in about two weeks, I’ll be moving out to California with my Mom and I’ll probably never see you again.”

I can feel my eyes start to tear up.

“I’ve never had a friend like you, Robbyn, and now that I’ve found you I’m going to lose you.”

We are off to the side and Robbyn comes over and hugs me.

“Oh, Alex, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I’m going to miss you so much!”

Pretty soon, we’re both crying. After a bit, we both calm down and wipe our eyes. We make our way outside to meet Robbyn’s mom.

“Robbyn, can we get together tomorrow? I really need to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what do you want to talk about?”

“Well I’d rather wait until we can talk in private.”

“Okay, but why not tonight?”

Just then, Mrs. Anderson pulls up.

“We’ll see.” We get in the car.

Back at Robbyn’s house, after grabbing a couple of drinks, we head up to Robbyn’s room.

When we get to her room, Robbyn plops down on her bed and asks, “So what did you want to talk about?”

I figure that now is probably going to be the best time I could ever have to do this so I go ahead and take the plunge.

“Robbyn, I have something to tell you. First I just gotta tell you that you really are the best friend that anyone could have. We’ve only known each other for a short time, but it seems like we’ve known each other forever.”

“I feel the same way too, Alex.”

I start to change out of the clothes she lent me.

“Why are you changing? You can wear that home and just bring it back the next time you come over.”

“I’m changing because after you hear what I have to say, you may not want to see me again.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

At this point, I’m down to just my running shorts. “Robbyn, I’m not a girl.”

“What? Well then you’re the best stacked boy I’ve ever seen.”

“No, I’m serious. I’m not a girl.”

“I don’t understand. Of course you’re a girl.”

“Robbyn, really I’m not.”

I realize that there is only one way that I can convince her.

“Please don’t get upset.” I pull down my shorts. “I’m a boy.” I pull my shorts back up and hurriedly get dressed.

Crying I say, “Honestly, Robbyn, I never meant to deceive you. Things just got out of hand and then we became friends and I didn’t want that to end. It’s true. I’ve never ever had a friend like you and I just didn’t want to ruin that. I’m so sorry! I’ll leave now.” I grab my pack and head to the door with tears streaming down my face.

“Wait! Alex, please wait.” Robbyn grabs my arm.

Robbyn turns me to her and puts her arms around me. She’s crying and she’s telling me, “Don’t go, Alex, please don’t go. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you.”

Well I just can’t believe what I’m hearing and that gets me to cry even harder. Soon, both of us are sitting on the floor, holding each other and crying our hearts out.

After a bit, we calm down and are able to stop the crying. I ask Robbyn, “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“Oh Alex, I’m not mad. Confused and surprised, but not mad. What happened to you? How did you start to grow...?”

“Boobs? I don’t know. I just don’t know why this is happening to me.”

“Well what do your folks say? Haven’t you seen someone about this?”

“They don’t know, and you have to promise me that this will remain our secret. You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

“You know I’ll keep your secret but why don’t your parents know? Haven’t they noticed?”

“No, no they haven’t.” I proceed to explain everything to Robbyn.

“Wow. That is so wild. You really need to tell your folks though, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m so scared to. I don’t know how they’ll react. Anyhow, it’s not the easiest subject to talk about. ‘Mom, Dad, guess what? Your son is turning into your daughter.’ Yeah, that’ll go over real well.”

“Don’t you think you should give your folks the benefit of the doubt? I mean, they love you and all; they’ll be able to help you with this. You told me and I’m still here.”

“I’ll tell them, really. As for you, well, I just had to tell you.”

“Oh Alex, I love you so much. Boy or girl, I don’t care, you’re the best friend anyone could have.”

This sets off another bit of crying for both of us.

“Um, Alex? Could you do something for me? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“What? I’d do anything for you.”

“Well, ah, could I see what you look like again? I mean, you don’t have to it’s just...”

“Oh, ah, well...”

“Tell you what, why don’t we both take our clothes off? That would be fair, right?”

“Both? Um, yeah I guess so.”

Blushing furiously, I remove my top and slide down my shorts as Robbyn removes her clothes. Standing awkwardly in front of Robbyn, I let her look. Soon I’m forgetting my embarrassment as I look upon my first nude girl. All I can say is, ‘Wow, does she have a nice body.’

My reverie is broken when Robbyn says, “It’s kinda small, isn’t it?”

In a rush, my embarrassment comes back. “Um, yes. It looks like all of my growing hasn’t affected that.”

“Well what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Me, silly.”

“Oh, you! Well you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, seen a lot of naked girls have you?”

“N-no! What I meant was...”

At that, Robbyn starts to laugh, “Let’s get dressed, silly,” and that was that. We get dressed and go on downstairs, then I head on home.

Robbyn and I have plans to get together again tomorrow night.

Oh, one other thing. The Band-Aids did work covering my nipples, but man oh man, they hurt pulling them off. That’s some tender skin there!

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 11

Journal Entry: February 20^th

It was soon after my first and only official outing dressed as a girl, that Robbyn and I got into our routine. I would go over to her house and she’d get a chance to play ‘Barbie Doll’ with a real live doll. Not that I’m a doll or anything, I was just saying…oh never mind.

Robbyn would dress me up and sometimes she would get pretty carried away with the outfits. I did learn a lot but we never went out again with me in full girl dress. I just couldn’t get the nerve up and besides, with me moving away, we wanted to spend better quality time together.

It was funny sometimes trying on her clothes. Our waist is the same, but Robbyn has curves: her hips are a bit bigger and her bust is quite a bit bustier (is that a word?). Anyway, when I would put on one of her short skirts, it was REALLY short on me and some of her tops just didn’t hang right on me unless I added some padding. Forget me trying on any of her slacks or pants, they were just too short.

One time I have on her leather mini-skirt, fishnet hose, real high heels (just a bit too tight for me), bright red satin blouse tied below my bust with heavily stuffed bra and this exotic makeup job. I look like twenty bucks and a dark corner would buy you a good time. Well, I’m dancing and camping it up to the music on the radio, Robbyn is laughing her butt off and then her mom opens the door on us. I could have died. There I am looking like some type of hooker and dancing like I’m up on a stage waiting for dollars to be stuffed in my bra, Robbyn is whooping it up, and her mom walks in. Naturally my back is to the door so I don’t stop and Robbyn, being the brat she is, doesn’t tell me her mom is there so I keep dancing.

Well the song ends and I immediately say to Robbyn, “So sailor, do you want that lap dance now or do you just want to go back to my place?” The sound of Robbyn’s mother trying not to laugh and really not succeeding finally clues me in that we’re no longer alone.

I spin around too quickly and fall off the damned heels, land on my butt and then come close to bursting into flames from embarrassment.

As I try to crawl under Robbyn’s bed, her mother lets us know that she’s running out for a bit and that we’ll have dinner when she gets back.

She leaves, I crawl back out from under the bed and Robbyn is convulsing on top of her bed still laughing her ass off. Her face is all red and tears are streaming down her face. I pick up her overstuffed panda bear and proceed to beat her with it.

Dinner that night with her mom is a very embarrassing thing. Fortunately, she has the good grace not to say anything. She does smile a lot, though, and it is all Robbyn can do to not break out in full-blown laughter again; instead she just giggles her way thru dinner–brat.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Yesterday, when I was over at Robbyn’s and we were up in her room, Robbyn asked, “Alex?”

I was concentrating on applying nail polish to Robbyn’s toenails. “Hum?”

“What was it like?”

“Hum? What was what like?”

“Kissing that boy, Sam.”

“Oh I told you, I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.”

“Okay then, but what was it like?”

“I don’t know really. He surprised me and besides, I was awful sick at the time. Analyzing the kiss was the last thing on my mind that night. Why?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone before. Have you? I mean, besides that time with Sam.”

“No, I never have. It’s not like I’ve ever had the opportunity before. Just as I start to really notice that girls are so much different from boys, then I start to turn into one. Besides, I’ve never had someone that I could try it with.”

“Well...”

“What?”

“There’s me.”

I look at Robbyn and she blushes and drops her head, hiding behind her hair.

My heart is beginning to race a bit but I’m not really sure I understand her.

“What do you mean, Robbyn?”

Shyly, Robbyn says, “Well, I just figured that since neither one of us have actually kissed anyone before, well, maybe we could try it together?”

“Oh. Oh! Ah, yeah, that would be, I mean ah, sure we could ah, you know, um kiss. Ah, are you sure? I mean, you’re so beautiful and you could really kiss anyone you wanted to and me, well...”

“Hey! You’re beautiful too, and I’d really like to have my first kiss be with you. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

“Oh, Robbyn! I love you too.”

I go to give her a hug and almost spill the nail polish. We start to giggle at each other and that helps to break the tension.

“We gotta wait until your nails dry or we’ll get polish everywhere.”

It seems to me that this time the polish takes forever to dry. Eventually it does and we both are sitting side-by-side on her bed trying to figure out just how we’re going to manage this first kiss.

Awkwardly we lean into each other and so very lightly touch our lips to each other. Since lighting didn’t strike us or the world stop spinning, we manage a second, bolder kiss, then a third.

I have closed my eyes, and even after we stop, I can still feel the presence of her lips on mine.

“Wow,” she says.

“Yeah,” I squeak, “That was nice.”

“Real nice, so you liked it?”

“Oh did I, and you?”

Robbyn answers me by giving me another kiss.

Zowie! This could get habit forming.

We do learn the proper need for lip balm. Our lips soon get real dry. We end up making a guessing game by having one person guess the flavor of the lip-balm or gloss the other was wearing. This is lots of fun.

The downside to this first experimental make out session is red puffy lips. That’s how much we kiss. We do discover that frozen fruit pops help take the swelling down.

* * *

Journal Entry: February 25^th

Oh my god, I get my first kiss and all I can say is, “WOW.” Robbyn and I decide to do a little experimenting and our favorite pastime changes from trying on clothes to making out.

When we kiss, I get all woggley inside. Thank goodness we’re sitting or my knees would have given out.

I can’t say how much I care for Robbyn, she is just so super. Instead of wanting to move, I’m starting to dread when we do. I’m going to miss her so much.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Over the next few weeks before my Mom and I left for California, I spent all of my free time with Robbyn and we in turn spent most of our time together learning about kissing.

Sometimes you read in a story about a kiss that makes you curl your toes. I always thought that was a figure of speech. I was wrong.

There was one time that Robbyn and I were kissing on her bed. We had graduated from the chaste, pursed lip kiss to full-blown, open-mouthed, French kissing. We had also discovered that light kisses to the face and neck drove both of us absolutely up the wall.

Anyway, we are deep in this make out session, passionately kissing and our hands are lightly caressing each other, when my body starts to tingle and I’m aware of my toes actually curling. Both of us are making little mewling sounds and our combined breath is coming in short little gasps.

Suddenly it feels like all of my nerves are beginning to fire all at the same time and we’re both holding each other tighter than we have ever held each other before. It’s fortunate that our mouths are covering each other’s, as we both let out a squeal.

Eventually, we settle down and are able to catch our breaths.

“Oh my. Robbyn, what the heck was that!?”

“I have no idea but it was the best thing I’ve ever had happen to me.”

“Yeah, me too. Wow.”

“Oh, um, I’ll be right back.”

With that, Robbyn gets up and quickly goes into the bathroom. While she’s gone, I just lie back and enjoy the tingling sensation I’m feeling all over my body, but especially centered on my breasts and in my groin. Talk about feeling all woggley inside. I thought that the first time we kissed was great, but this? Holy moly I’m still twitching.

When Robbyn gets back out, she asks, “What do you think happened?”

“I’m not sure, but I think we both might have had an orgasm.”

“Ya think? Wow. It was nice, wasn’t it?”

“Sure was. If that wasn’t one though, I can’t imagine how one could be much better. I almost passed out.”

“Me too.”

Soon we’re both giggling and trying to explain to each other what we felt.

* * *

Journal Entry: February 27^th

Life sucks. I think I’m going to get a tee shirt made up that says that, as well as a bumper sticker. At least my life does at the moment.

Last night I found out that Mom and I will be going out to California in a week and a half. If that isn’t bad enough, Robbyn found out that she and her folks will be spending the entire summer on vacation in Europe. They won’t be getting back until sometime in August, just before school starts.

Now I know what you’re going to say, ‘Well Alex, you’ve been saying all along that you can’t wait to move,’ and, ‘Alex a summer in Europe would be great, how can that be so bad?’

Well things have changed in the last couple of weeks. Robbyn and I have really become close friends and I love her so much. I know, I know, you’re just a kid, what do you know? I know that she’s my best friend. I know that I can talk about anything with her; what keeps me up at night and what shames me so badly that I can’t share it with anyone else. I know that none of that bothers her, and that she will never judge me, only love me. I know I’m going to miss her so much.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 28^th

Robbyn and I had a good cry yesterday but we decided that we’re going to make the best of our time together and also that we will remain friends forever. Nothing is going to change that.

Robbyn and I are up in her room again. We have just finished up our crying jag over me moving out to California and her going off to Europe for the summer.

“Oh, Alex, I’m really going to miss you.”

“Me too, Robbyn.”

“Hey, I know.” She gets up and starts to rummage around in her desk.

“What?”

“Ta-da!” and she holds up a small penknife.

“What’s that for?”

“Our oath.”

“What oath?”

“The oath we’re going to swear to always be there for each other, to always be friends, to always love each other no matter what.”

“What do we do?”

“Well, we’ll need to speak the words at the same time so, let’s figure this out. It’s going to be like a spell.”

“Okay.”

We sit there figuring out the words we’d say together. When we’re done, she takes her penknife and cuts her palm then hands me the knife.

Swallowing, I cut my palm and we clasp our hands together as we say, “Our blood mingled, two into one. Our hearts joined, two into one. Our souls bound, two into one. Our friendship and love to the end of time.”

With the final words we kiss, our hands still clasped tightly together, and something happens that I can’t describe but it is there. When our kiss finally breaks, we pull back a bit from each other and I realize that both of us are crying.

“Alex, did you feel it?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“It worked, our spell worked.” We’re both smiling now and then we’re laughing. We know that this separation is only temporary. We know that we will be together again.

End Journal Entry

Part 12

Journal Entry: March 9^th

It’s been a real whirlwind of a week and a half and Mom and I are now in California. Robbyn and I spent absolutely as much time together before I left as we could and when we said goodbye on Thursday, I didn’t think either one of us would stop crying.

Just before we say goodbye for the last time, Robbyn and I exchange gifts and to show you how in tune with each other we are, we get each other practically the same thing. I get her an Irish friendship ring and she gets me one, too. The one I get her is a delicate silver band with two hands holding the crowned heart. The one she gets me is a wider silver band with the design of the hands and crowned heart engraved on the band itself.

With a final hug and promises to not lose touch with each other, I return home and Dad drives Mom and me to the airport.

End Journal Entry

* * *

I’m in a real down mood for the entire flight and don’t start to come out of my funk until we’re about to land in San Francisco. At that point, I start to get excited about seeing Ellen again.

After we land and get our bags, Mom gives Ellen a call to come around and pick us up. Ellen has been waiting in the temporary parking lot for us to arrive. Five minutes later her little Honda pulls up and Ellen gets out and she and Mom are hugging. I’m dragging all of our luggage over to the car and when I get there, Ellen looks at me and doesn’t recognize me at first.

“Alex? Oh my god! You’ve grown so much. Geeze you’re taller than I am now. You look so different from just a couple of months ago.”

We quickly hug and load all of the bags into the trunk then take off to the house.

The work that Mom and Dad had done to the house has been done for a couple of weeks and Ellen is already moved into her place in the basement. It isn’t all that far from the airport so we’re pulling up into the driveway in almost no time.

The whole time on the drive to the house Ellen has been telling Mom all that she has done to get the house ready for us to move into. A few times, Ellen looks at me in the rear-view mirror and gives me a wink. I know that we’ll get our catching up after we get home.

We pull up to the house and all I can say is, “Wow.” The pictures that Mom sent back just don’t do it justice. The house is a kind of a cross between a mission style and a Mediterranean style with an adobe-type wall all around and red tiles on the roof.

One of the real good things about coming out here first with Mom is I get to check out which bedroom I’d like before my brothers get a chance.

We go on inside and drop our bags in the foyer, then Ellen gives us a tour, showing me everything for the first time, and Mom all of the changes that were done.

Mom and Dad’s bedroom is huge but the bedroom that Mom thought I’d like is quite a bit bigger than my old bedroom and it has its own bathroom attached. That is going to be so nice. The twins each have their own room with a bathroom in between that they’ll share.

I leave Mom and Ellen talking about some stuff that was done outside while I get my suitcases and take them upstairs to unpack. After that, I set up the airbed that I’ll be using until our furniture arrives.

I’m laying back listening to a new song from this new female artist on the radio. I didn’t hear the name of the song or who the artist was but it’s great. The song is just ending when Ellen comes into my room. The radio announcer says, “That was the new single release called ‘Intuition’ by a very promising new singer by the name of–”

“ALEX! Didn’t you hear me?”

“What?” I ask, taking off my headphones. Damn, hopefully I’ll get her name next time. She has a great voice.

“I said, grab your suit and let’s go for a swim. The water is great. Come on.”

Now there’s no way I can take a swim, not the way I am. “Um, Ellen, ah I don’t think so. I’m still a bit tired from the plane ride.”

“Well at least throw on some shorts and a tank top and join us outside. Geeze, you look like you’re wearing dad’s clothes and I’m surprised you aren’t boiling to death as covered up as you are.”

“Yeah, well I’ll be down in just a bit.”

“Okay, but hurry. We ordered some takeout. It’s dinner time for you and Mom and lunchtime for me.” With a quick smile she turns and leaves.

I go over to the closet and grab a pair of shorts, a small tank top and one of my larger tee shirts. Taking everything with me, I go into the bathroom for a quick shower and to change.

I take my clothes off and unwrap the bandage from around my chest. I stand in front of the mirror trying to rub some of the wrinkles out of my poor, abused skin while examining how I’ve developed.

My breasts seem to be getting bigger every day. I’m not nearly as big as Robbyn but taking a guess, I think I might be getting close to how big Ellen and Mom are.

I get into the shower and let the warm water soothe my sore chest. I know I need to tell everyone what’s happening soon, if for no other reason because it hurts so damned much binding these puppies. I just wish I knew how everyone would react.

I finish up my shower and dry off. Taking up my bandage again I realize that I need to switch it out as this one is getting a bit ripe. I quickly grab another bandage from my bag, re-bind my chest and finish dressing. The small tank top helps hide things too, so after double-checking to make sure that I look okay, I wash out the other bandage and hang it in the shower to dry.

I re-check myself in the mirror and I realize that I’m not going to be able to keep my secret a secret for much longer, anyhow. Right now, binding my chest makes me look like I’m developing chest muscles, but at the rate they’re growing, even binding them won’t help for too much longer.

Crap. Well hopefully I can figure something out soon. Maybe I can break it to Ellen first. She’ll be able to help me tell Mom and Dad.

I go on downstairs and join Mom and Ellen in the kitchen just as the takeout food arrives.

* * *

Journal Entry: March 26^th

Okay, I know. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote here. Things have been kind of crazy, and I’ve hardly seen Mom or Ellen because they were constantly on the go trying to get everything ready before Dad, the twins and the movers got out here.

I’ll fill you in on all of the move in just a minute. Before I get to that I realize I haven’t given my latest stats in awhile, mostly because I’m still in denial over all of this. Well anyway, I’m now about 5’9” tall, maybe a bit taller and almost 115 pounds. You’d think I’d weigh a lot more considering how much I eat. I’m constantly hungry. To continue, my breastline, bust size, whatever seems to be 32 inches if I’m measuring things right. As to what the cup size is, well I still can’t figure that out. My hair is long: it goes past my shoulders and is crazy thick. I think I’ll need to have something done with it soon. Right now, I just keep it braided in a ponytail.

Now as to what all has been going on since my last entry. The movers ended up here before Dad and the twins because Dad’s car broke down just outside Salt Lake City and it took a bit of time to get it fixed.

That meant that when the truck got here it was up to Mom, Ellen and I to help with the unloading. Fortunately, the movers took care of most of the lifting, but we still had to shift things around and put together beds and such. I had to work with some of the worst stomach cramps I’ve ever had. Fortunately, it only lasted for a few days but it was no fun while it did. Mom said that I’ve been getting these stomach problems far too often for her comfort and if I get them again, we’ll have to go in and have it looked into. That is something I really do not want to happen, at least not until I can tell Mom and Dad.

Just when we got the lion’s share of the work done, Dad and the twins show up. We’re convinced that they did it on purpose to get out of helping. Dad swears it was all an accident but the twins keep laughing so I have my doubts.

Anyhow, things are beginning to get on a normal footing around here, or at least as normal as this household ever gets. The twins are already joined up with the local scout troop and I’ve already told them that if they try anything like they did with Sam, I’d strangle them.

We’ve hardly seen Dad as he’s been busy trying to catch up on his work and the same goes with Mom. I’m pretty far ahead in my schoolwork so I’ve been helping the twins with theirs.

Robbyn and I have been talking every night until we’re kicked off the phone. At least we were until she and her folks left for Europe. I really miss her. It’s going to take forever for August to get here when they get back.

On a brighter note, I did find a spot that looks great for my Parkour. There’s this abandoned industrial complex about two miles away that it looks like they’re going to tear down at some point. There’s a gap in the fence that I am able to get thru and between the parking garage and the adjacent buildings, it ought to be a blast. I did a walk thru yesterday to lay out my route and will give it a shot soon.

That’s about it for now. Oh, one more thing–and it was driving me crazy until I got my computer set up and I could look the information up. There’s this new song that just came out called ‘Intuition’ and I kept missing the name of the artist. It turns out the singer is a girl named Sarah Carerra and she has a great voice. I’m trying to find out if she has an album out yet or not. Tonight I’m going back on the web and check out some of the fan sites I saw.

Okay, that really is it for now.

End Journal Entry

Author’s Note: Special thanks to Megan Campbell for letting me mention her great character, Sarah Carerra. If you haven’t read her story yet, please do, it’s really, really good.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 13

I’m feeling really bored, so I decide to go downstairs to see what Ellen’s up to.

“Hey sis, whatcha working on now?”

“One of the outfits I’m going to need for my presentation. This one is going to be a cocktail dress. What’s up?”

“Nothing much. I’m almost done with all of my workbooks and I thought I’d take a break and see what you were doing.”

“Well, pull up a seat and keep me company. I’ve been a bit worried about you lately. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m still getting settled. Say, this cloth is nice. What is it?”

“That is yummy. That’s raw silk and probably my favorite fabric since it comes in so many textures and weaves.”

“You’re doing a great job on your outfits. They really do look super.”

“Thanks. Remember when we used to play dress up?”

With a small laugh I respond, “Yeah, that was kinda fun.”

“Did you really like dressing up as a girl?”

“Well, I was only 7 or 8 but yeah, I did. Well a lot of it was just getting to play with you, but I did enjoy dressing as a girl.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, the fabrics are softer, the styles are so much more varied, and I just felt more comfortable. It felt kinda right. Weird isn’t it.”

“No, I don’t think it’s weird, I’ve often felt that girls have it way better than boys when it comes to clothes. I certainly can’t fault you for liking them better than boys’ clothes, I know I do,” she says, smiling.

“Yeah, but you’re a girl, I’m not.”

“Remember when Dad caught us?”

“Oh my god, I was soooo embarrassed,” I say, laughing. “The look on Dad’s face when we went into the house...”

“Mom and Dad said that it was just a phase. Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Well, was it just a phase?”

I turn away, and say, “I, I’m not sure.”

“Have you wanted to dress up since then?”

At Ellen’s question, I just collapse back onto the couch crying. All of my pent-up emotions are released.

Ellen rushes over and asks, “Alex, what’s wrong? Don’t cry, hey it’s no big deal. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s not that so much, it’s, well...Oh god, this is so embarrassing.”

“Alex, you’re beginning to worry me, tell me, what’s wrong. I love you, you can tell me.”

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“You can’t tell a soul–not anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

“Well, how about this, I won’t, unless you tell me it’s okay to. Also, if you are in danger, all bets are off. Deal?”

“Okay, deal.”

“Well then, tell me.”

I get up and slowly move away from Ellen. With my back to her I say, “Remember, you promised.”

“I remember.”

Grabbing the bottom of my sweatshirt, I pull it over my head.

Noticing the ace bandage, Ellen asks, “Why are you bandaged?”

Without answering, I unwind the bandage. With my arms in front of me, I slowly turn until I’m facing Ellen. Tears are running down my face.

“Alex?”

With my head held down, I lower my arms and Ellen lets out a gasp. “Oh my, Alex what happened? How did this happen?”

I stand there shaking in front of Ellen. “I don’t know,” I cry, and then collapse into my sister’s arms.

* * *

After calming down, I begin to tell Ellen my story.

“You know how I’ve been trying to bulk up? I’m so damned skinny and everyone mistakes me for a girl.”

“You’re not skinny and not everyone thinks you’re a girl.”

“No, just everyone who meets me. Anyway, I’ve been working out and really trying not to look so girly. Well around Halloween, I thought that I was finally seeing some progress: I was getting taller and it was looking like my chest was bulking up. Boy oh boy has it ever been bulking up!

“Anyway, around Christmas I couldn’t deny it any longer. I realized that I was growing breasts! The nipples are so sensitive, and the entire area is sore. That may be from keeping them bound all the time, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m really scared. Why is this happening to me?”

“Oh honey. I don’t know, but I think that we need to tell Mom and Dad.”

“NO! We can’t, you promised me.”

“Easy, Alex. I’ll keep my promise, but I really do think we need to tell them. I think you need to see a doctor to find out just what’s going on. This is too important to hide, and besides, if things keep progressing, you won’t be able to hide it much longer anyway.”

“Oh crap. I know that. But I need to tell Mom and Dad my way–when I’m more prepared. They are so going to freak. If you thought they were bad when they found their seven-year-old son in a dress, just how do you think they’re going to react to their fifteen-year-old son having tits!?”

“They didn’t freak when you were seven, you’re exaggerating, and I don’t think they’ll be that bad now. Well, Dad might freak out a bit, it’s hard to tell. But Mom will certainly be supportive and you’ll have me with you. I love ya, little bro.”

“Little bro? Yeah, right. God I wish I knew what was happening to me.”

“We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I think I have something here for you, let’s see.”

Ellen rummages around in one of her stacks of fabric and pulls out a piece and tosses it to me.

“Here ya go.”

Ellen has given me a beautiful, black silk camisole.

“I can’t take this.”

“Why not? It will help ease the irritation to your nipples, and it’s really comfortable.”

“Because this is really beautiful and it can’t have been cheap and besides I’d kind of like to keep what’s happening a secret awhile longer, and going around wearing this isn’t going to help.”

“Well it didn’t cost that much as I made it, and just wear it under your shirt. No one will know you have it on. Just try it on. You’ll see.”

“Okay, but no laughing!”

I slip it on. Oh, that’s nice! A shiver runs down my spine.

“Like that, do ya?” she says with a grin.

“Yeah, I’ve got to admit it is really nice.”

“That should help with your nipples getting sore, as to the aches in your breasts, a bra would help. You’re going through a growing phase and there isn’t going to be a whole lot you can do but any support that you give them will help some.”

“A bra!? No way, I can’t wear a bra. Oh, this just gets better and better.”

“He he, now I know what to get you for your birthday: some nice lingerie.”

“Grrr!”

Just then we hear Mom as she comes into the house. “Kids?” she calls out.

“Oh crap,” I say, “where’s my shirt?”

“Down here, Mom. Quick, go into my bathroom and wash your face and get your shirt on.”

“Hey, sweetie. Is Alex around?”

“Hey, Mom, yeah, he’s just in the bathroom right now.”

“Okay. Say do you kids want pizza or Thai tonight? I’m too tired to do much more than that.”

I come back into the room. “Hey, Mom, how was your day?”

“Great, honey, I was just asking your sister if she wanted pizza or Thai for dinner, I’m too pooped to cook. Oh and your father won’t be home until late again, and your brothers are over at the Marshall’s house getting ready for some big scouting event, so it’ll be just the three of us.”

“I vote for Thai but pizza would work, too.”

Ellen says, “Thai sounds good.”

“Okay then, Thai it is. I’ll just go up and change then place the order. Alex, I have some boxes in the car, could you bring them into the study for me?”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

I run on out to get the boxes. Mom is coming down the stairs as I bring the last box in. She’s giving me a funny look. It seems as if she is about to say something when the phone rings. I put it from my mind and take the box into the study.

After moving the boxes, I go into the kitchen to talk with Mom.

“So, hon, how was your day? Did you get all of your assignments done?” she asks.

“Yes they’re all done. In fact I should be done with all of the assignments by this Monday, maybe sooner.”

“Wow, I knew that you were pushing ahead but I didn’t realize just how far you had gotten–sorry about that. It’s just that I have been so busy since we moved trying to get everything settled that I’ve been neglecting you and your studies.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I know you’ve been busy and the workbooks are really kinda easy so it’s no problem.”

“Well, I still feel like I’ve been neglecting you and I’m sorry, honey.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, it’s okay, I understand.”

“You’ve seemed kind of down lately. Is everything okay? Are you upset about us moving again?”

“Oh I’m okay. I guess that it’s just kinda hard moving all of the time. I also miss Robbyn. It was nice to have a friend to hang around with all of the time.”

“Well, no more moves until you graduate. That’s something your father and I feel very strongly about. You need these years in high school to be stable. It’s an important time in a young person’s life. You’ll make some new friends too, and you can always give her a call. Lord knows the two of you were on the phone all of the time when we first moved out here.”

“Yeah, but she and her folks went off to Europe for vacation over the summer. That’s why we haven’t talked recently. They’re going to be gone all summer then school will start and we’ll hardly have time then, too.”

Ellen comes into the kitchen, grabs two sodas and tosses me one.

“Hey, after dinner I’m going to run out to the mall for a bit. Anyone want to join me?”

Mom said, “I can’t, hon, got too much I need to finish tonight.”

I say, “Thanks, not tonight.”

“Come on, Alex, I could use the company.”

Mom said, “Alex, you haven’t gone out since we moved here. It’ll do you some good.”

“Oh, all right”

Before the Thai food arrives, I go up to my room to wash up and realize that I never re-bound my chest. Oh god, that was close. Thank god I have my sweatshirt on or Mom might have noticed. I grab a new bandage and bind things back up.

After dinner, Ellen and I are driving out to the mall, when I notice that we’re going the wrong way.

“Hey, I thought that the mall was the other direction.”

“Well, the nearest one is. I wanted to check out some of the stores in the mall south of here. It’s not that much further.”

“Okay. Now tell me, why were you so insistent that I come with you on your little expedition. You know that I don’t like going out where there are crowds.”

“I thought that we could continue our conversation from earlier. Also there is something that I want to get for you.”

“Me? What is it?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see. Now tell me, what’s bugging you the most about what’s happening?”

Letting out a snort I reply, “What isn’t bugging me? One, I am a fifteen-year-old boy, or near enough. As said fifteen-year-old boy, I should not be ‘A,’ growing a set of knockers and ‘B,’ like dressing up in girls’ clothes. I mean, nothing about this situation is ‘normal’ by any stretch of the imagination! It feels like I’m caught between two worlds and I’m neither fish nor fowl. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’m here to help. I can certainly understand why you’ve been acting differently and why Mom and Dad are worried about you.”

“What? Mom and Dad have been talking about me?”

“Don’t worry, they’ve noticed that you’ve been acting more withdrawn and dressing differently and they asked me if I knew what was wrong. I told them that I’d see if I couldn’t find out what was going on.”

“Hey, you promised me you weren’t going to tell them.”

“I did promise you and I intend to keep my promise. You’re going to tell them, but only after we figure out the best way and make sure you are ready. But we need to do this soon for your sake. If you wait too long, promise or not, I will tell them.

“I can’t imagine the stress you are going through, but I’m here for you and I am going to help you, no matter what you decide.”

With a sniffle I say, “Thanks, sis, you don’t know how much that means to me. I’ve felt so confused and so alone these past few months. I really do appreciate your help.”

“Okay then, so tell me, do you really still like girls’ clothes?”

“Well yeah, I guess I do. You know, back when we used to do it all of the time, I really liked it. I didn’t feel like a boy dressing up as a girl. It just felt normal to dress that way and play with my sister.

“Then Dad caught us. You know, Mom and Dad didn’t get mad, but they certainly let me know in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t to dress up again. I haven’t. In all of these years since then, I haven’t. Well, until recently that is.”

“What? When?”

“Well, you know my friend Robbyn? Well, she thought I was a girl.”

I proceed to tell Ellen all about how I met Robbyn and how our friendship grew, and how just before we moved here, I told Robbyn my secret.

“So she’d want to do some dressing up and eventually, I stopped fighting it. I mean I still like the feel of soft, silky fabrics, I always have. I have got to tell you, this camisole feels so nice. But no matter how much I may have wanted to, how much I’ve missed it, I had always stopped myself, well until recently that is.

“I’ve tried so hard to be a proper boy. I’ve tried to work out and get muscles, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve got no definition at all, well not much, anyway. I’ve tried to do the ‘boy’ sports, but I’m just not built to do most of them. I’ve been too small. I mean, look at the twins, they’re almost two years younger and both of them are twice my size, or they were until I got this growth spurt, but that will change once they get theirs, I’m sure.

“I can do swimming and running and I’m pretty good at them, but the contact sports, well just forget them. I just don’t like them.

“When I got this growth spurt, I was really hopeful that finally I would start looking like a boy and not a ‘tomboy’ girl. Then just when I was sure things were finally looking up, bam! Tits, I start to develop tits!

“I’ve got to tell you that I’ve been in some serious denial over this. I mean, how can I be developing breasts? This is just not normal.”

“That’s all the more reason to tell Mom and Dad. You need to get checked out by a doctor.”

“Yeah, I know that and I will, promise. It’s just so hard to talk about this, especially to them. I mean, how do I tell them that their son is some sort of freak?”

“Now you just stop that! You are not a freak. Something is going on with your body that may be unusual, but that does not make you a freak. I don’t want to hear you talking about yourself that way.”

“Okay, okay. But this is really hard to deal with.

“You know what else sucks about all of this? I can’t go swimming and my Parkour makes my chest hurt.”

Giggling, Ellen says, “Well if you want to go swimming, I might have a cute little two piece that you can borrow.”

“Hey, cut that out!”

Smiling she says, “Sorry, just couldn’t resist.

“Here we are, now you can see me at my favorite sport, professional shopping!!”

Grinning, I say, “I hear that they’re thinking of adding it to the next Olympics.”

“I’d take the gold every time.”

So Ellen and I start at one end of this small mall and start working our way to the other end. Let me tell you, watching my sister shop is amazing. She can spot a bargain in a heartbeat and is even able to convince some of the stores to discount things further.

Me? I don’t like malls. I think I’ve mentioned that I don’t like hanging around large crowds, they make me really nervous. I am not looking forward to starting high school next year. It is certainly going to tax my nerves and that’s if I can get my body to behave itself and develop normally. Ugh, life is so unfair.

By the time we make it to the other end of the mall, I’m exhausted and Ellen just looks like she is warming up. We eventually make our way back to the car.

“Now I know why you wanted me along, you needed a pack mule. How can one person buy so much?”

“Ha, ha. This isn’t anything. You should see me when I’m really shopping!”

Collapsing in the front seat, I dramatically plead, “Home?”

“Yeah, yeah, we can go home, ya big wimp.”

“Oh, thank goodness.”

When we get home, I help Ellen lug all of her bags downstairs.

Ellen asks, “Did you have fun?”

“I don’t know if I would go that far, but it was different. In any case, it gave us the chance to hang out together. I sure have missed you while you were out here. I’m so glad we made the move to join you.”

“So am I. I’ve really missed you, too.”

“Well, I’m for bed. Night, sis.”

“Night, sleep well.”

Going upstairs, I stop by my Mom’s office and stick my head in, “Night, Mom.”

“Night, honey. Did you and your sister have fun?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“That’s good, sweetheart, it’s nice to see that you two are so close. Well, you sleep well.”

“You too, Mom, night.”

I then go upstairs and get ready for bed. Just as I’m beginning to fall asleep, I remember that Ellen said she was going to get me something but she never gave it to me. I couldn’t even think of what it could be as we were together all of the time. Well, except in the changing rooms. Hmm. Oh well, she probably forgot.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 14

Journal Entry: April 1^st

Going to be a quick entry today. It’s been almost a week since I wrote here. I’ve been crazy busy trying to get all my schoolwork finished but that’s not the best news, guess what? I told Ellen. No, this is not an April fool’s joke. God, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Ellen is going to help me figure out the best way to tell Mom and Dad.

Now I know that Robbyn and Ellen both didn’t freak out on me when they found out but I still can’t but feel scared that Mom and Dad will, oh I don’t know, I guess I’m worried that once they find out they won’t love me anymore.

Ellen says that I’m being silly, there’s no way that they’ll stop loving me. I agree intellectually, but I can’t seem to get my emotions to go along with my head. Anyway, Ellen says she might have an idea for us to try.

Wish us luck.

End Journal Entry

* * *

The next morning I awake to a minor earthquake happening. Normally that would be of some concern, especially here in California; this earthquake however, is accompanied by the loud yells of my two idiot brothers. That’s not really fair to them, they aren’t idiots–well not most of the time–but I swear they sound like a large herd of wildebeest charging across the Serengeti. That’s when they’re just walking, get them running and poorly-made buildings are in serious danger of collapse.

I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. Thank goodness I have a bath all to myself now. Showering is fun as someone flushes the toilet–twice. The last time happens just before I’m going to rinse the shampoo out of my hair–ouch.

Wrapping up in my big, soft terry robe, I go back to my room to dress for my morning run. Even though afterwards my chest hurts, I still try to get in a daily course of Parkour. It really seems to help clear my mind of troubles, at least temporally. Today I’m going to try those abandoned buildings down the road.

I’m surprised to see Ellen sitting on my bed when I get back.

“Hey, Ellen, what’s up?”

“Well first, unless you want to talk to Mom and Dad sooner rather than later, you shouldn’t leave this laying around,” she says, holding up the chemise she had given me.

“Oh man, I completely spaced that this morning. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. The main reason I’m here though, is to give you this.”

She hands me a small bag.

“What is it?”

“Go ahead and look.”

Opening the bag, I pull out some grey fabric.

“It’s a sports bra. You said that your chest hurts when you run. It’s probably because things are moving around so much. This should help and it will be a lot better than trying to bind them with that ace bandage.”

“Thanks, but a bra? I don’t know, sis.”

“Come on, it will help and no one needs to know you’re wearing it.”

I can tell that Ellen really is trying to make things easier for me and I’m really grateful.

Suddenly crying, I wrap my arms around her. “Thank you so much, Ellen, you’re the best sister anyone could ever have.”

“Hey, why the tears?”

“I don’t know. I find that my emotions are going all over the place lately, and for no apparent reason, either.

“Thanks again, sis, I’ll let you know how well it works.”

“Sure thing, kiddo. Have a good run.”

Taking my chemise, she says, “Oh, I’ll take this downstairs and wash it with some of my stuff. You don’t want Mom to wonder why you have lingerie drying in your bathroom.”

“Thanks, sis.”

That morning sees one of the best runs I’ve had in a long time. The sports bra really does work well, and as much as it compresses things, with my small tank top and baggy t-shirt it looks like my secret is going to remain secret, for a bit longer anyway.

I approach the abandoned office complex. Since this is going to be the first time running through here, I’m taking it kind of slow. I don’t want any surprises that could end up hurting me.

The layout looks good. I make my way up through an empty parking garage then across to the building next to it, then down a large drainpipe to the third floor and into a broken window. Next it’s across to the open elevator shaft and a quick slide down the cables to the second floor. Rounding the corner on the north side, I build up speed to make the leap through a window opening to the roof of the small building across the way. I tuck and roll then flip down to the loading dock next to it and off for the fence line.

Wow, this place has all sorts of possibilities! I can’t wait to do this one again.

A little more than two and a half hours later and I’m back home sweaty, dirty, and tired but feeling better than I have in a long time.

Walking in the door, Mom’s immediate response in seeing me is to say, “Oh my lord, what happened to you?”

“What do you mean?” Looking down, I check myself out.

“You’re filthy.”

“Oh that? I did my run through some old buildings and they’re kind of dirty.”

“Kind of? That’s an understatement. Go shower and get those dirty clothes in the wash.”

“No worries, Mom.”

“After you get that done, come see me, we need to talk.”

“Okay, Mom.” Now I am worried. Does she know?

* * *

Once again, I find my sister sitting on my bed when I come back from my shower.

“Hey, sis, what’s up?”

“Where is it?”

“What?”

“The bra. Mom grabbed your dirty clothes!”

“No problem.” I pull the sports bra from the pocket of my robe.

“Whew. I was worried there. Give it to me and I’ll put it in with my stuff.”

“Thanks, here.”

“Oh man, it’s all sweaty. Yuck.”

“Sorry, it was a long run. It really did help, though, thanks again: I really appreciate all of the help.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Here are two more sports bras. You really shouldn’t keep them compressed all of the time, though.”

“Yeah, but if I don’t, someone is sure to notice. By the way, do you know what Mom wants to see me about?”

“Not a clue.”

“I hope she doesn’t know.”

“Well if she does, it wasn’t from me. You really should tell her, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Well I’d better get dressed and see what she wants, then. Wish me luck.”

“You’ll be fine.”

Ellen leaves and I pull on a pair of jeans and one of the sports bras Ellen just gave me and a loose sweatshirt and go downstairs to find my Mom.

* * *

Nervously, I make my way to my Mom’s study.

“Mom, you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, honey, come on in. There are actually two things I wanted to talk to you about. First is your schoolwork. As soon as you’re done with your last workbook, we need to get all of them turned in. I want to get all of your paperwork together for high school as soon as possible. When we submit your work to the school, they will do a placement evaluation to determine what classes you will need.”

“Oh, okay. Do you think there will be any problems with the work I’ve done?”

“No, I really don’t. But if there are any issues, I want to deal with them sooner rather than just before school starts.”

“Okay, what else did you need me for?”

“Your running. I really don’t feel comfortable with you running through some deserted buildings. You could get hurt, or worse.”

“Mom! I’m perfectly safe. I don’t make dangerous jumps and I always scout my route before doing a run.”

“I know you do your best, but too much can happen in some of these places. You need to stay away from them.”

“’Snot fair! It’s about the only thing I enjoy doing and you’re taking it away from me,” I say with tears beginning to run down my face.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t run, I just don’t want you running in those dangerous places. End of story.”

“Fine. Anything else?”

“No, I’m sorry you’re upset. You can go if you want.”

I run from the room. It just isn’t fair!

I run out to our backyard to be alone.

Sitting in the back corner of the garden, wrapped in my thoughts, I don’t hear my sister come up until she speaks.

“Hey there. You okay?”

“Oh, you startled me. Yeah, I’m fine I guess.”

“Well if you’re so fine, then why all the tears?”

“Did you hear? Mom said I can’t do my Parkour through that industrial park down the road.”

“What? You’ve been running over there? Are you nuts?”

“What? Why?”

“Well for one thing, they’re going to be tearing it down soon to build a new set of homes, and for another, there have been some unsavory characters that hang down there. You’re lucky you haven’t gotten hurt.”

“Yeah, but where can I do my running now? That place was prime.”

“Tell you what, we’ll do some driving around and we’ll find a place. Deal?”

“Thanks, sis.”

“Great, now let’s go inside and I’ll buy you a soda.”

Grinning we go back inside and down to her studio.

Part 15

Ellen and I go inside and grab some drinks just as the twins come charging down the stairs in their scout uniforms. Dad yells out that he’s taking the boys off to their scout meeting and would be back in a bit.

I snag my last workbook so I can work on it while sis and I talk. I’m almost done, and then I can forget about schoolwork until the fall.

Downstairs, I curl up on the small couch and Ellen goes to her worktable to continue her work on the latest outfit she’s putting together.

Our conversation is kept limited as we both concentrate on our respective tasks. Finally, I complete the last problem and set my book down with a large sigh.

“Oh I’m so glad that’s finally over. So what are you making this time?”

“Right now I’m still working on that cocktail dress. This fall I start my senior year and they expect you to put together a diverse line of clothes. With any luck, I’ll be able to get my line into the Senior Fashion show. I’m trying to get ahead of the game by getting as large a variety together as possible. This way I can make sure the items I finally submit are top notch.”

“Well, I think your stuff looks great.”

“Thanks, kiddo, but I know that there’s still a lot of room for improvement. So, tell me, when are you going to talk to Mom and Dad?”

“About what?”

“About what, about your little but growing problem, ya knucklehead.”

“Oh, that?”

“Yes that. Well? When are you going to talk to them?”

“Damn it I don’t know. This whole thing is driving me crazy. I’m so confused and I’m really, really scared of what Mom and Dad are going to say when they find out.”

“Find out about what?” We both turn and there’s Mom.

“Mom!!”

* * *

“So when we find out about what?” Mom asks again.

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! “Ah, nothing?” was my weak reply.

“Come on, young man, it sounded like there was something that your father and I need to know about, so I suggest you start talking.”

“It’s okay, Alex; tell mom, you know you need to. I’m here and will stay with you the whole time.”

“Ellen? Will someone please start?”

“Mom, this is something that Alex needs to tell you but I promised him that I would be with him the entire time for support.”

“Okay then, both of you, upstairs now. March.”

I am petrified. After making our way upstairs to the living room, I just collapse onto the couch.

I say, “Mom, there’s something you need to know, something about me.”

Ellen sits down next to me and holds my hand.

“Umm, you see, it’s like, well I know you and Dad have noticed that I’ve been acting different lately, well something is happening to me and I don’t know what it is, well I know what, I just don’t know why.” I start to cry. “It’s my body, I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do.”

I pull away from Ellen and I take off my shirt and the sports bra. Looking up and not being able to see anything thru the tears, I say, “I’m sorry Mom! I’m so sorry! Please don’t hate me!”

I collapse in a heap crying my heart out. The next thing I know, I am in my mother’s arms, being held and stroked.

“Shhh, baby. Oh, honey, I could never hate you. It’s okay, everything will be fine, you’ll see. Everything will be fine.”

Through exhaustion, I finally pass out, my head resting on my mother’s lap as she tells me that everything is going to be okay.

* * *

I’m not sure how long I am out. Slowly I start to come back to reality. I remember feeling warm and I realize that I’m wrapped up in a blanket, being held and with my hair being stroked gently. Gradually I remember what has happened and that Mom didn’t seem mad or upset at all. But what about Dad? Oh god, how is he going to react?

In a panic, I open my eyes and it isn’t my Mom holding me, it is Dad! His eyes are red and they have the tenderest look in them. Before I can do anything, he hugs me tightly and says, “I love you.”

Being all wrapped up in a blanket, I can’t hug him back, but I lean against him and say, “I love you too, Dad. Thank you.”

I must have been out of it for a couple of hours as it is now dark outside. Mom and Ellen come back in and turn on the lights. Dad helps me sit up. I keep the blanket wrapped around me as I have no shirt on and am just a bit self-conscious about how I look.

Ellen says, “Hey there, sleepyhead”

“Feeling better, honey?” asks Mom.

“Um, I’m not sure. I feel like a wet rag and I have a pounding headache.”

“This should help,” and Ellen hands me a large glass of sweet tea and some aspirin.

“Thanks.”

Dad asks, “How about us? Feel better that we’re not going to disown you now?”

“Yeah, I do. Guess I was being silly.”

“No, honey, you weren’t,” says Mom. “Your father and I have talked with Ellen and between what you said and what we’ve seen, you’ve had every right to be just a bit stressed out.”

“But your mother and I want you to know, and you really need to believe this, we love you very, very much, and there is nothing that will change that.”

“Really, Dad? Mom? You don’t hate me or think I’m a freak or anything?” I ask with tears in my eyes.

Mom quickly comes over and puts her arm around me on one side and Dad puts his arm around my other side.

“Really,” says Dad.

“We could never hate you, and you’re not a freak,” affirms Mom.

“Your mother’s right, we’ll love you no matter what. Now then, why don’t you run upstairs and freshen up and then we can try to figure out our next step.”

“Thanks, Dad, I’ll be right back down.”

When I come back downstairs, we all gather around the kitchen table. Thank goodness the twins are out on their scouting trip. I couldn’t deal with their ribbing right now–no matter how good-natured it might be.

Dad says, “Okay, first things first. Alex, are you feeling better now?”

“Yes, Dad, thanks.”

“Great. Now I think that we need to find out just what is happening to your body and why.”

Mom says, “That’s why I went ahead and called my doctor and set up an appointment. Fortunately there was a cancellation and we’ll be able to see her tomorrow morning.”

Dad says, “Well that’s the main thing. We won’t know what else to do until we know exactly what is happening to you. Your mother and I noticed the breast development, is there anything else we should know about?”

Feeling very embarrassed I say, “I’m not sure.”

Mom says, “Honey, we all know that this isn’t going to be easy for you, but all of us are here to help you in any way. If there is anything else, you need to tell us so we can do our best to help you. We’re not going to judge you or think badly of you. You are our child and we love you, honey.”

“Well, there might be something else.”

I just don’t know how to tell them about Robbyn and me pretending to be a girl and all.

Mom asks, “Is it about dressing up as a girl before we moved?”

Stunned I just sit there with my mouth open.

I must look pretty silly because Mom, Dad and Ellen all start to chuckle.

Mom asks, “What, you didn’t think we knew about that?”

“Well, no. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Dad says, “We knew you had to tell us in your own way. Quite frankly, that’s what we thought was bothering you. If we had any idea of the physical issues, we wouldn’t have waited.”

Mom adds, “Also, we knew that some of it really wasn’t your idea at first.”

“You did? How?”

“Well, you had that Sam boy–the twins were in scouts with–chasing after you. It was pretty obvious that he thought you were a girl and we got the twins to fess up and they told us all about the movie night you guys had and how they begged you to not tell Sam the truth.

“That was very nice for you to do that for your brothers, but it was hardly fair for Sam, don’t you think?

“Then there was your friend Robbyn. I got to be good friends with her mother and talked about what was going on that very first night you had dinner with them.”

“You did? She knew!?”

“Yes, she did.”

“Wow,” was the only thing I could say.

Mom continues, “You see, honey, Robbyn’s mother told me that even though Robbyn is upbeat and very outgoing and everyone seems to like her, she really doesn’t have any true friends. That is until the two of you got together.

“Did you know that you were the first friend she brought home to her house? It’s true.

“I think everyone wanted to keep things quiet to make sure that your friendship was allowed to grow.”

“Wow,” I say again. “I have got to call Robbyn. I’ve got to talk to her. But she’s on vacation until August! Why did they have to go out of the country this year?”

“You’ll have plenty of time to talk to her. She’ll be back to the States before you know it and you know she’ll call as soon as they return.”

Mom is right and that makes me feel better.

Dad says, “The important thing now is to get you all of the help we can. Your mother and I have talked a bit about this and we think you might benefit by talking to someone about what’s going on and your feelings.”

“You mean a shrink?”

“We mean a psychiatrist who specializes in gender disorders. Someone who can help you find your way through all of the emotion and feelings you are experiencing. For that matter, someone who can help all of us deal with this.

“This is something we haven’t dealt with before, either. I’m sure that all of us are going to need help of one sort or another.”

I look over at Ellen. She is smiling and she just nods her head. Tears are running down her face and then I realize that we all are crying. Then we all are hugging each other and I truly feel that if they let me go I would float to the ceiling–such a weight has been lifted from me.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 16

Journal Entry: April 3^rd

Well it’s all out in the open now. Mom and Dad know and needless to say, yesterday was one of the most emotionally-draining days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you the relief that I feel for finally having this all out in the open and having the love and support of my family.

We stayed up late last night talking and Mom and Dad were constantly reassuring me that they love me and support me and will be there for me. How could I have been so stupid for thinking that they would kick me out or stop loving me? Just goes to show you how out of it your emotions can lead you.

Now don’t get me wrong, this whole thing still has me freaked out, but at least now I don’t have the added burden of wondering if my family will still love me or not. I now know the answer.

End Journal Entry

* * *

I really expected to be absolutely wiped out this morning but instead I feel remarkably refreshed.

I get up and take my shower and then start getting dressed. I catch myself halfway through wrapping my chest and smiling, I unwrap the bandage and put on one of the sports bras that Ellen got me. I guess that now I can get a proper bra for these babies. Oh man, I hope the doctor has an answer because this not knowing if I’m coming or going is driving me crazy.

For the first time in ages, I dress in clothes that fit me properly and it feels nice. I look into the mirror and I’m not sure what I see. Is it a boy or is it a girl? I don’t know.

If I get to choose, which would I prefer? I’m not sure of that either.

Brushing away such thoughts for now, I put on my shoes and head downstairs for some breakfast.

When I get downstairs, Mom is in the kitchen reading the paper at the counter.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Morning, honey. Sleep well?”

“Surprisingly, I did. You?”

“Not too bad. You need to hurry and eat your breakfast so we can get to the doctor’s office.”

“Okay. Mom? What do you think is wrong with me?”

“Oh, honey, I don’t know. I suspect that there’s going to be a bunch of tests that they will want to do but I’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll get answers, okay, sweetheart?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

So I have a quick bowl of cereal and Mom and I take off to her doctor’s office.

Now everything is going just fine until we get into the car and head on out. Then I start to get more and more nervous and worried. By the time we get to the doctors’ office I am extremely worked up and feel like I’m going to throw up at any moment.

Mom notices as we pull into the parking lot. She turns off the car and asks me how I’m doing.

“Mom, I don’t know if I can do this.”

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know. I, I’m just so scared.” At that, I start to cry.

Mom leans across the seat and pulls me to her.

“Oh, honey, it’ll be okay. I’ll be with you, but we need to do this. We need to find out what’s going on with your body.”

“You promise that you’ll be with me? Please?”

“Of course I do. It’s your decision. Now do you think you’ll be okay or do you need another minute?”

“I think I’ll be okay now. Just don’t leave me.”

“I won’t dear. Now wipe your eyes and let’s go in. Dr. Martin is really very good. I think you’ll like her.”

So we go on in. I am holding on to Mom’s hand so tight that she has to ask me to loosen up. I’m so nervous that I hadn’t even noticed doing it.

We sign in and take a seat in the waiting room and that’s when I notice that the sign over the front desk reads, ‘The Women’s Clinic’ and lists a whole bunch of doctors’ names below.

“Mom, this is a women’s doctors’ office.”

“Yes, dear, I know. But she’s the only doctor I know out here and she was able to see you right away. She’s still a doctor and an extremely good one at that. This is her clinic. If she can’t help us herself, she’ll know someone who can.”

That calms me a bit and I sit there while Mom fills out forms. I sit there trying to calm myself even more. I’m not having a whole lot of luck, but I am trying.

When my name is finally called, I nearly jump out of my skin. Mom gives me a little smile and pats my hand.

I go over to the receptionist who called my name.

“You’re, Alex Conners?”

“Yes, and this is my Mom. She needs to come back with me.”

“Fine, go through that door and the nurse will show you to an examining room.”

“Thank you,” and off we go.

A nurse directs us into an examination room and has me sit on the exam table. She takes my temperature, pulse and blood pressure and then says that the doctor will be in shortly and leaves.

While Mom continues to fill out some forms, I look around the room. The exam table I am on is short and has these two U-shaped thingies on poles attached at one end. There’s the usual sink and cabinets as well as a small desk and a portable curtain on a rolling framework.

Finally the doctor arrives. There’s a light knock on the door and she comes in and immediately greets Mom.

I can’t put an age to the doctor. Her face is very smooth with what you just know are laugh-lines at the corner of her eyes and she’s very fit. Except for her long grey hair pulled back in a ponytail, you’d think she was younger than Mom. I immediately like her.

“Sharon, so nice to see you again. This must be Alex?”

“Hello, Helen. Thank you for getting us in so quickly. Yes, this is Alex.”

“Hello, Alex”

“Hello, Doctor Martin.”

“So what seems to be the problem?”

“Well, Alex doesn’t seem to be developing normally and we’d like to get a thorough examination to see if we can’t figure out why.”

“Not normally? In what way? She appears to be fine on first glance.”

“That’s just it, Doctor, she is a he. Alex is my son.”

At this point, Doctor Martin’s eyebrows rise about three inches and I turn bright red and look down with embarrassment.

“Well then, I think I’d better give you that exam and just see what’s going on with you. Take this gown and get behind the curtain and remove all of your clothes and put it on. Sharon, why don’t you step outside while we do this?”

At this I say, “Um, Doctor, could my Mom stay please?”

“Well, I really like to do these exams in private, but tell you what, would it be okay if at certain points we ask your Mom to step behind the curtain, and can you promise me to answer my questions, even if answering them in front of your Mom will embarrass you?”

“Sure, Doctor, that would be fine.” I breathe a big sigh of relief.

I go behind the curtain and change and I gotta tell ya, these gowns they give you, well I almost think that it would be better if you just stayed naked. Almost that is.

I really don’t know why she has me put it on. It only stays on long enough for her to look into my eyes, ears and nose, and listen to my back. Then she has me take the gown off.

I think I figured out why they keep those examination rooms so cold, you tend to heat up from all of the embarrassment. At least I do.

Well the doctor pokes and prods me. She examines my breasts and let me tell you, they’re tender! At one point she has Mom go behind the curtain while she has me lay on my side and she...well, let’s just say that she ‘pokes’ me intimately in my rear. Gods, that is just so embarrassing, even more so than when she examines my boy parts.

I do have to say that if the sign of a good doctor is how thoroughly they examine you, well she must be the best damned doctor ever.

When she is all done she has me get back into the gown and she grills me and my Mom about my medical history. Fortunately, Mom learned long ago to have copies of all of our medical files. This is a necessity given how often we move. She gives a copy to the doctor and it even has copies of the x-rays from when I fell off the roof in Greece.

The doctor tells us that she wants to run some tests and that as soon as we’re done, she will see us again. It seems that everything for the testing can be done in this building and she wants to put a rush on it.

So, then a nurse comes in and takes three or four gallons of blood, has me pee in a cup and she swabs the inside of my mouth. I then have to get dressed and Mom and I go downstairs to get X-rays and an ultra-sound. Both of them require me to get into those gowns again. By the time we’re done it has been over three hours! Personally, I’m exhausted.

We’re back in the waiting room and I’m nodding off despite my growling stomach when Doctor Martin comes out and asks us to follow her back to her office.

We’re invited to sit on a couch and the Doctor sits in a chair opposite.

“Well, Alex, you’ve certainly made this an interesting morning,” she says, smiling. “Now it’s going to be a few days before we get all of the results back from your tests, however there are some things I can tell you right away.”

“I’m turning into a girl, aren’t I?”

“Well, not quite. People can’t change like that. The term that refers to your condition is ‘Intersexed’. Someone who has the biological characteristics of both male and female sexes is considered intersexed. What we need to find out is why you have both male and female characteristics.”

“Doctor, just how extensive is this in Alex?”

I gotta say I was kind of wondering the same thing myself.

“Well we won’t know the full extent until all of the tests come back. However, and with that caveat, you already know about the breast development and the presence of a penis and testes. The ultra-sound reveals that just as your penis and testicles, although present, are underdeveloped, you also appear to have ovaries but any sign of a uterus or vagina is at this point inconclusive. The full extent of your condition will have to await the report from my radiologist.”

At this point I stop hearing what was being said. I suddenly feel like I have a band tightening on my head. My face is hot and I feel chills on my back. I hear a great rushing in my ears and everything seems far away. Mercifully, I pass out.

I don’t know how long I’m out. I don’t think it’s for very long. When I wake up, I am lying on the couch with my feet propped up and I have a wet cloth on my forehead.

Mom is sitting on the edge of the couch holding my hand and is talking to the doctor. I’m not sure what they’re talking about, and quite frankly at this point I don’t care.

All I want to do right now is crawl under a rock somewhere and die. I keep my eyes closed but I can’t stop the tears from flowing.

The next thing I know, Mom is urging me to my feet. I’m still not sure what everyone is saying. I just kind of go where I’m led. I think Doctor Martin says goodbye but I’m not sure. I don’t think I reply.

Mom must have a transporter because the next thing I am aware of is being led into the house. How the hell did I miss the trip home? It’s a good twenty-minute drive.

Mom leads me to my room and soon I am curled up under the covers facing the wall. Maybe this is all just a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. I sure hope so.

Part 17

Author’s Note: Warning–This Part is rather disturbing as it deals with an attempted suicide. If this is too disturbing for you, please skip to Part 18.

I’m really not sure how long I lie in my room. The shades are drawn so it’s dark and that’s all I care about. I drift in and out, not really sleeping but not really awake either.

There are times that I think someone is in my room but I can’t swear to it. There are other times that I know that Mom or Dad or Ellen come into my room and try to talk with me: I just don’t care anymore. I just can’t summon up any, oh I don’t know, energy, emotion, nothing.

Sometimes I am able to get with it enough to have a bite or two of toast or a sip of juice, but mostly I just lay down in the dark, not thinking but unable not to think. It’s hard to explain.

On the morning of the fourth day I am a bit more aware of things but still not really caring. Ellen comes into my room and starts talking to me.

“Gag me, Alex, it stinks in here. You need to get up and take a shower. Come on, it’s a beautiful day out and I have a surprise for you. I told you I’d help find you a new place to do your running and I think I found just the place. Get on up and we’ll go check it out.”

I want to reach out to her, I really do. I want to be held and have everything made better but I just can’t summon the energy or the desire. Instead I turn back to the wall, hoping that she’ll leave and praying that she won’t.

“Damn it, Alex, if you don’t get up and get cleaned up and rejoin this family, I’m going to make you. Please, Alex, we’re all worried about you.

“Fine, have it your way then.” With that, she leaves and I feel the despair wrap me up again.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I know I am suddenly very wet and very cold. Startled, I sit up and there is Ellen standing next to my bed holding an empty bucket that I presume until recently held cold water.

I’m sputtering and trying to get untangled from the wet covers and all of a sudden the dam breaks open. I finally free myself and fling myself into Ellen’s arms, sobbing for all I’m worth.

I’m babbling nonsense and weeping and Ellen just holds me.

I think that Mom comes in at one point but then she soon leaves. Ellen just holds me and after a very long time I start to calm down. I continue to cling to Ellen crying and hiccupping.

Ellen finally gets me up and leads me into the bathroom. She gets the shower started and helps to peel my wet clothes off me then gets me under the water with instructions to get clean. With her clothes being almost as wet as mine, she leaves me to go change.

I stand under the spray, absently soaping my body and washing my hair. When I’m done, I just stand there, staring off into space. After a few minutes, I realize that I’m not staring off into space but staring at the razor blade I keep in the shower to lance the blisters I sometimes get from running.

I don’t remember picking it up, all I remember is watching the water hit the tiles then swirl down the drain, then wondering why the water is now red but thinking that it looks pretty as the red water hits the floor and the lines of red grow as they approach the drain.

I eventually follow the drops up to see where they where they were coming from and see that somehow I have a cut about three or four inches long on the inside of my forearm. I then notice the red razor in my other hand and it begins to dawn on me just what I have done.

About this time, Ellen comes back to get me out of the shower.

“Okay, Alex, time to get out. You spend much more time in there and you’ll turn into a prune.”

I can’t take my eyes off of my wrist. “Ellen? I think I did something wrong.”

“What? What are you talking about?” She slides open the door to the shower. Looking in, Ellen sees me standing there with blood running down my arm and splashing on the floor.

Ellen screams, “MOM!” and grabs one of the hand towels, turns off the water, wraps the towel around my wrist and pulls me out of the shower all in about two seconds.

“Mother! I need you, please hurry!”

Ellen gets me out of the shower and sitting on the toilet in record time.

I kept saying over and over, “I’m sorry.”

Mom comes flying into the room from wherever she was at and takes it all in at a glance. She pulls the towel away and sees that the blood flow is still heavy so she puts the towel back and applies pressure.

Mom tells Ellen to take over, that she needs to make a call and then we need to get to the hospital.

A couple of minutes later I am wrapped up in my now ruined terry robe and in the back seat of the car with Ellen still holding and squeezing my wrist.

I keep saying that I’m sorry and Ellen keeps asking me why and Mom just looks determined and a whole lot older.

Mom comes flying into the emergency entrance and is out of the car and has the back door open almost before the car has come to a full stop.

I’m getting progressively more out of it but still mumbling, more to myself than to anyone else, that I’m sorry.

Ellen just clings to my wrist, crying.

There is a whirl of activity and I realize that I’m being lifted onto one of those wheeled beds and brought inside where I’m then moved to another larger bed.

I see Ellen being led away, crying. I’m being stripped of my robe and someone exclaims, “What’s happened to her?” I’m being stuck with needles and just as everything starts to fade away, I see Mom crying while she talks with Dr. Martin at the foot of the bed.

Part 18

Slowly I start to wake up. My head feels real fuzzy and I don’t feel anything. I don’t mean physically, emotionally I don’t feel anything. It’s like there’s a wall between me and my emotions. It’s very strange.

I soon realize that I can’t move my arms and looking down I see that they’re tied to the bed. My left arm is bandaged from wrist to elbow and my right has a couple of IV bags attached to it.

The room is dark and I’m alone. In a short while, I hear someone open the door and turning my head, I see Dr. Martin. She turns on the light and comes over to my bed.

“Well, I see that you’re finally awake. How are you feeling today?”

“Hello, Doctor. Um, not real sure. Muzzy headed. I’m kinda out of it.”

“Well that’s from the meds you’ve been given. Now then, you want to tell me what all this is about?”

“I, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t remember doing this. Really I don’t. One minute I was in the shower and I see the razor, and the next I’m looking at the blood going down the drain. I never meant to do this. If I had thought of it, I never could have done it.”

Dr. Martin just stands there for a minute looking at me. Finally she nods her head and says, “Okay then. You realize that you could have easily died? When you got here, you had lost quite a bit of blood.”

“Yes, Doctor. I don’t want to die, I really don’t. I’m just so confused, I don’t know what to do.”

“I can understand that. I’ve given your mother the names of some doctors that can help you sort out your emotions. They can also help you come to terms with what’s happening with your body. Will you talk with one of them?”

“Yes, Doctor. I need all the help I can get and if one of them can help me get through all of this, I’ll gladly go.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear that. I think we can untie your arms now. But you have to promise that if you start feeling bad or confused or wanting to hurt yourself again, you’ll talk to someone right away. If you can’t reach anyone, call me. Promise?”

“Yes, Doctor, and thank you.”

“No problem. Now I think there are a couple people here who would like to see you. Feel up to visitors?”

“Oh yes, please.”

After the doctor unties me, she goes to the door and sticks her head out and calls to someone. Shortly, in walk my Mom and Dad.

They’re smiling but you can also see the worry in their eyes. They come over and sit down on either side of my bed. Dad gently takes my left hand and Mom brushes some hair off my face and takes my right hand and asks me how I’m doing.

“Okay I guess. I’m still a bit out of it. I’m sorry this happened, I didn’t want to worry you. I’m not sure why I did this.”

“Oh, baby, don’t worry about that, you just get better now.”

“Your mother’s right. The important thing right now is for you to get better. We love you and we’re here for you. The doctor says that you might be able to go home tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I scared you guys. Are Ellen and the twins here, too?”

Mom says, “No, they’re at home. We had a long talk with your brothers. They know what’s going on. They’re very worried about you, as well.”

“Well, if they start to tease me, I reserve the right to bop them one.”

Dad says, “If they tease you, they’ve already been told that their lives will be as miserable as your mother and I can make them. I think they’ll behave. As much as they tease you sometimes, they still love you.”

“Is Ellen okay?”

“She was pretty upset for awhile but she’s better now,” Mom said. “You gave all of us quite a scare but we’re going to get through this. Okay?”

“Okay, Mom, Dad.”

I’m beginning to doze so Mom and Dad just sit there quietly holding my hands.

When I wake up later, they’re gone and a nurse is coming into the room.

“Well hello there. How are we feeling?”

“Uh, I don’t know about you, but I think I’m feeling better.”

“Think you could eat something?”

At that, I realize that I am quite hungry. “Yes, I think so. I think I need to use the bathroom first, though.”

“You think you’re strong enough?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Let me just help you, and we can leave the door open just a bit in case you have troubles.”

So I make it to the bathroom and back and feel like I’ve done a five-mile run. Jiminy, I’m as weak as a kitten.

After getting me settled back into the bed, the nurse leaves to go get my meal. It turns out to be the typical bland hospital food.

Just as I’m finishing up, there is a quiet knock at the door and in peeks Ellen.

“Ellen!”

She smiles and comes over and gives me a hug.

“Hey there, kiddo. How are you doing?”

“Better now. Ellen, I’m real sorry for all of this.”

“Oh that’s okay. You’ve been through a lot lately. I understand.”

“I know. But I feel bad for having you and Mom and Dad and even the twins go through all of this because of me.”

“Listen don’t worry about that. You just concentrate on getting better, okay?”

“Oh, Ellen, I love you so much!”

She’s suddenly holding me again while I’m crying. It’s different this time though. I can’t explain how, just that it is and when I’m done, things don’t seem quite as bad anymore.

“Thanks, sis. Mom and Dad say I might get out of here tomorrow.”

“Um, it is tomorrow, you’ve been in the hospital for the past three days. Mom is over talking to your doctor right now about maybe getting you out of here. She’ll be here in just a bit.”

“Oh that’s great.” Three days? Wow.

“So, are you willing to see a psychiatrist?”

“Yeah, I need someone to help me figure all of this out. I sure can’t seem to do that on my own.”

“Well, Mom has been on the phone all day talking to the ones your doctor recommended. There’s one that has an office right near my school. You could go in with me when you have an appointment and then get a ride home with me too. That is, if that’s something you’d like to do.”

“That would work, although for the first one or two, I think I’m going to need someone with me to hold my hand.”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Pretty soon, we’re chatting away and my spirits are higher than they have been in a long time.

In a bit, Mom and Dr. Martin come into the room followed by the nurse.

Dr. Martin wants to change the bandage on my arm and see how it’s doing and the nurse has some more meds for me to take.

So Mom and Ellen step out and Dr. Martin starts to remove the bandage.

“Let’s just see how this is doing. I tried to make it as neat as possible so we could minimize the chance of scaring. I think we did a pretty good job on it.”

“How many stitches did you give me?” I ask while watching her remove the remaining bandages.

“Thirty-three. You came real close to taking out some major vessels. I hope you realize that if you had done even slightly more damage, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

I look at the ugly red line on the inside of my arm and gulp. It’s a good thing I’m in the bed because I suddenly feel a bit light-headed.

“Thank you again, Doctor for all you’ve done. I promise, you won’t have to do this again.”

“That’s the best thanks I could get, honey. You just take care of yourself and remember, there are an awful lot of people out here who care for you and want to help you.”

“Thank you, I know that now.”

“Good, and there you go. We’ll send your Mom and sister back in but I don’t see any reason to keep you over another night. I think you can go on home. That is, unless you want to stay?” she says, smiling.

Beaming back at her, I say, “Oh, I’d like to go home, I’d like that very much.”

“Good, we need the bed. I’ll go tell your Mom and she can get the discharge paperwork signed. I’m going to want to see you in two days at the clinic to change that bandage and see how it’s healing. If it starts to hurt, you or your Mom give my office a call. If it starts to swell up and/or turns an ugly red–you’ll know if it happens–you get your little posterior back here pronto. Okay?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Good, I’ll see you in two days. Take care, honey.”

“Bye, Doctor.”

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

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Part 19

Soaking in the warm water feels so nice and relaxing. Opening my eyes, I watch the blood run from the cut parallel to the healing one on my left arm. As it flows out, I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. As my weakness grows, I start to slide further down into the water.

I begin to realize that I am going to die and I that I really don’t want to. I try to call out, to get someone to come and help me but my voice is too weak.

I begin to struggle but it’s so hard to do anything. I’m crying and trying to call out, to get someone, anyone to hear me and come save me.

Looking up, I see Ellen standing next to the tub shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, Ellen, please, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to die.”

Ellen is just standing there watching me. Why won’t she help me?

I’m so weak now. I slide down further and then I’m under the water. Everything is now tinted pink as I look up.

I’m struggling harder and finally Ellen reaches down towards me and starts to pull.

At that point, I fully wake up. Tangled in my sheets and dripping wet from sweat, I struggle to free myself. Suddenly I realize that I’m not alone. Someone is with me, helping me, telling me to take it easy, that everything is going to be all right.

As I get disentangled, I realize that Ellen is with me.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. Alex, everything is going to be okay. Relax, honey,” and I do.

“This is the fifth night in a row that you’ve had a nightmare. Same one?”

“Yeah. Same one. Only this time you were there but you were just watching me. Oh, Ellen, what am I going to do?”

“Well the first thing is we’re going to get you out of this mess of a bed and cleaned up. Then, you’re going to sleep with me in my bed. Maybe that will help keep the boggles away. Fortunately, you meet with your new doctor in the morning.”

“Do you think she’ll be able to help me?”

“That’s what she’s trained to do. But if she can’t, we’ll find one who can. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, sis, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Now come on, let’s get you cleaned up and get back to bed.”

* * *

In the morning, I slowly wake up. I’m curled up next to Ellen. She has her arm wrapped around me and is holding me close.

This is nice, I feel safe. I also feel like I need to pee.

I lift Ellen’s arm and slide out of her bed, trying not to wake her. She stayed awake last night comforting me and I don’t think she got much sleep.

I tiptoe into the bathroom and do my business, then make my way upstairs.

In the kitchen, Mom is drinking coffee and reading the paper.

“Hey, honey, another bad night?”

“Yeah. Thank goodness Ellen checked on me. She insisted on me going down and sleeping with her. I sure hope this doctor can do something.”

“She will. Now fix yourself something to eat and then go on up and get dressed. Your appointment is in two hours and the traffic isn’t going to be fun.”

“Okay, Mom.”

So I fix some breakfast and then go upstairs to shower and get dressed.

Looking in the mirror as I dry myself off, I see less and less the boy I was growing up and more and more the girl I seem destined to become. What am I? Am I a boy or a girl? Do I have a choice in this or is it all out of my hands?

I really hope that this doctor can help me. Between the nightmares and the changes my body is going through I really need some help getting this straightened out.

I pull up my briefs and slip on one of my sports bras. Then it’s jeans, tee shirt and my trainers and I’m dressed.

I look into the mirror again and something isn’t quite right. I’m not sure what it is, though.

I brush my hair and decide that I’ll leave it down today and not in a ponytail.

That done, I go downstairs to see if Mom is ready. She is, so off we go to San Fran.–always a fun drive.

Surprisingly we make pretty good time and we’re even able to find some parking which is another miracle.

We’re a bit early, but that’s just as well given all of the forms that have to be filled out.

As Mom does that, I check out the two-year-old magazines that are there.

My name is called just as Mom sits back down from delivering the completed paperwork and we’re shown back to the doctor’s office.

My therapist’s name is Doctor Amanda Rivera. She’s probably around 45 or 50 years old, and has graying hair, worn short. She’s about four feet nine inches tall and can’t weigh more than eighty or ninety pounds.

She has a very warm and expressive face and I immediately like her.

We all sit down and get to know each other. After a bit, Mom goes out to the waiting room and I stay to continue talking to Amanda, as she wants me to call her.

* * *

After my appointment, Mom and I leave Dr. Rivera’s office and get the car and head off to lunch. After that, we have to go to Dr. Martin’s office to have my bandage changed and to get the latest results from all of the testing I had done. I’m not sure if I want to hear what she has to say or not.

I know that I need to and I know that whatever it is, I’ll need to deal with it one way or another, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to go and hide from the world.

Part 20

We get to Dr. Martin’s office and we don’t even have a chance to sit as we are immediately sent back to the Doctor’s office.

Dr. Martin greets us and invites us to sit.

“Well, Alex, how are you doing today?”

“Not too bad, Doctor. I met with Dr. Rivera this morning and she seems real nice.”

“She’s one of the best and should be able to help you. Now, we have the full results back from the tests we did and I’m sure you both are eager for the results.”

“That’s an understatement,” both my Mom and I say together.

This gets us all chuckling a bit, then Dr. Martin continues.

“Okay, I’m not going into the details, just boil it all down to how it all relates to you, okay? I’ll make sure that you have the full report before you leave, but I think this way will mean more to you.”

“Okay, Doctor.”

“To start, a quick lesson on how boys and girls are made. Humans are genetically determined to be either a boy or a girl by chromosome pairs, specifically the XY chromosome. Now boys have a XY pair and girls have a XX pair. During reproduction, a male can produce either an X sperm or a Y sperm, while a female can only provide an X egg. A Y sperm and an X egg produce a boy, while an X sperm and an X egg produce a girl. Got it?”

“Yes, that seems simple enough.”

“Okay, we found that you actually have a XX chromosome pair and that does support your development. But we’re still left trying to explain the presence of what appear to be both sets of reproductive organs.

“With me so far?”

“I think so.” My Mom agrees.

“Good. Now at first I thought that you may have what is called ‘ovotestes.’ But closer examination seems to indicate that you may have PIV or Progestin Induced Virilization.

“Sharon, were you perhaps given progestin during your pregnancy with Alex?”

“Yes, we were living in Thailand at the time and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. The progestin was supposed to help prevent a miscarriage. Are you saying that the drug they gave me did this to my child?”

I just gulp and hold on tighter to my Mom’s hand. I didn’t even realize that I took it.

“It is entirely possible. The sad thing is that the drug didn’t work as they thought it did.

“We’ll need to have some additional testing to confirm PIV, but it is looking like that may be what happened.”

“Just what does this all mean, Doctor?” I ask.

“Well basically, you are physically a female. The progestin that your mother was given while she was carrying you verilized your genitals. It fused your labia and closed the entrance to your vagina and it also developed an almost complete phallus. The tissue of your fused labia is what looks like your scrotum.

“Yes, you do have ovaries and they are slightly underdeveloped, but they are there. And yes, you do have a uterus, cervix and a vaginal canal. Your internal structure appears to be on par with that of an adolescent female. I will want to get some additional testing done to verify all of this.

“Now there is also a chance that you may be infertile. The ovaries are underdeveloped and I believe that the likelihood of them producing eggs is slim. We’ll need to do more tests to determine that. It’s possible that they are underdeveloped due to you being a ‘late bloomer’ and we’ll need to keep an eye on that. These additional tests will also help us determine if we need to be concerned with other potential complications given your condition.

“The lab tests confirm that you’re definitely producing estrogen. Physically, and with a few notable exceptions, you have all of the physical characteristics of a pubescent female of approximately sixteen to seventeen years of age.

“Now we’re going to want to run these additional tests as soon as possible, but that is what is going on in a nutshell.

“Do you have any questions?”

My Mom and I just sit there, stunned, trying to process all that the doctor has just told us.

I finally say, “Um, Doctor? You said I was sixteen or seventeen. I’m only fourteen, well almost fifteen.”

“I said that ‘physically’ you appear to be sixteen or seventeen. Your body appearance is what I was referring to.”

“Oh, okay.”

My Mom asks, “What’s next, Doctor? Where do we go from here?”

“Next will be some more testing, I’m afraid. We need to understand as fully as possible what is going on inside Alex’s body. Ultimately though, Alex here is going to have to decide which gender he wants to live as.

“That’s something I want you to discuss with Dr. Rivera. From a medical standpoint, we can perform surgery to help your body conform to who you feel you are, but before we can do that, you need to know inside what you are, what you feel most comfortable as.

“I won’t lie to you, Alex, no matter what you choose, it isn’t going to be easy. What I will promise you is that I will do everything in my power to help you.

“Now once you make your choice, we can start to work with your body to make it the gender you want. If you decide to be female, we can let your body continue to develop as it is and eventually you can have surgery to give you a full vagina.

“If you decide to be male, we’d start you on blockers to suppress the female hormones and you would begin hormone replacement therapy. This would start to make your body more masculine, and again, eventually surgery will be needed to remove the excess breast tissue and to enlarge your penis.

“I know this is an awful lot to throw at you all at once. Talk it over with your Mom and Dad and especially with Dr. Rivera. You don’t need to make a decision right away, at least from a medical standpoint you don’t.

“Now do either of you have any more questions?”

Mom says, “You mentioned possible complications. What were you referring to?”

“Well if Alex’s uterus is fully developed, Alex could start menstruating. If that happens and there isn’t any way for the body to discharge, then Alex could be in a bit of trouble. The tests we’ll do will help us determine how developed the uterus is. We will need to operate if Alex is capable of menstruation, otherwise the danger is just too great.

“Anything else?”

We don’t have any other questions. I think we both are still in shock–I know I am. After all, it isn’t everyday you find out that for the last fifteen years the gender you think you are is wrong, at least physically that is.

“Well you will, and you can call me at any time. If I’m not available, I’ll get back to you just as soon as I can.

“We can start the tests I mentioned next week if that’s okay. Perhaps on the day you come in to get those stitches out?”

“Okay, Doctor, and thank you.”

At that, Mom and I leave and start home. We are both very quiet.

***

I just stare out the window on the way home. I can’t even tell you what I am thinking about–just trying to process all of the information I just got.

I finally realize that Mom is calling my name and has been for some time.

“Alex? Honey?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what to say, or what to ask. I’m just trying to get my head wrapped around this whole thing. All those times you told me that I was special: guess you didn’t know just how right you were. I guess I can always get a job now in a circus.”

“Hey! You stop that and stop it right now! I will not let you put yourself down like that. Do you understand me?”

“Sorry, Mom.”

“I mean it. Yes, you are special, very special. But it isn’t because of your condition, it’s because of WHO YOU ARE, not what you are.

“You are a wonderful person. You are kind and caring, you’re smart, very smart, and you are extremely talented.

“Everything that makes you special, that makes you the wonderful person you are, is independent of your gender or physical appearance. You need to realize that, to believe that because it’s true, honey.

“As far as the gender issue, that needs to be decided solely on what makes you feel the best and NOT what anyone else thinks. Not me or your father, Ellen or the twins, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, and whatever YOU decide, your family will be there to support you. Understand?”

It’s a good thing that Mom has pulled into a Target parking lot and stopped the car because at this point I broke down into tears and so did Mom and we just hold each other, crying.

“Oh, Mom! I love you so much.”

“I love you too, honey.”

After both of us have a good cry, we wipe our eyes and blow our noses.

Mom says, “Let’s go in the store. I want to get you some things.”

“What?”

“Well, I think you’re going to need something better than those three sports bras your sister got for you. You’re big enough to need a real bra and since we’re here we can get you a few more things as well.”

“A bra? Really?”

“Don’t worry, you can keep dressing the way you have been, but you need the support a real bra can give you. Besides, no one will know what you wear under your clothes unless you tell them.”

“Oh, okay, I guess. I gotta tell you, Mom, this isn’t the easiest thing to get used to.”

We both kind of chuckle at the understatement as we go into the store.

“I’m sure it isn’t, honey, but you dressed up with Robbyn, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but that was different somehow. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“Did you like it?”

“Oh, Mom.”

“I’m not trying to embarrass you, sweetheart, I’m just trying to help and to understand.”

“I know but still. Yeah, I did like it. If nothing else it was different.”

“I bet.”

At this point, we enter the Girls Department. Now I have been in one before, it’s just that this is the first time I’ll be in one to get me something. I’m going to have so much that I’ll have to work out with Amanda it’s not funny. Oh well, time to take the plunge.

Mom gives me a critical look then starts to examine the rack of bras that is there. She picks out several then motions me to follow her. She goes straight to the dressing rooms and I follow very nervously.

Mom has me go into one of the dressing cubicles and remove my shirt and bra. She then passes over one of the bras she has.

After repeatedly trying to hook the closure in the back, I finally call out to Mom.

“Mom? Can you help with this? I can’t seem to get it.”

Opening the door, Mom says, “Oh my. That one is way too small for you. Here, try this one.”

I shrug off the one I’m trying to get on and put the other one Mom gave me on. Fortunately, this one has a clasp in the front.

“That’s better but I think you need a larger cup size.”

“Larger? Just how big am I?”

“Here, try this one on. You look to be about a 32B. You really do have a lovely figure, especially for your age.”

Turning several shades of pink, I try on the other bra.

“I’m really not trying to embarrass you, honey.”

“I know. It’s just going to take some getting used to is all. Say, this feels pretty nice.”

“Yes, I think we got it. Keep in mind that between you still growing and each manufacturer being a bit different, you’re going to have to try on any new bra you want before you buy it.

“You can get dressed now, I’m going back out to get a few more. Join me when you’re done.”

“Okay, Mom.”

After getting my clothes back on, I go back out to Mom.

“Honey, would you like to get some more feminine-type clothes?”

I gulp and say, “Do I have to?”

“No, but you might want something to try. I also feel you should think about a swimsuit: it can be a one-piece. You’re going to need something and even just using our pool, you can’t go topless, not anymore that is.”

“Oh, um, yeah. Um, could we put this off for now? I think I need to prepare myself a bit more, first.”

“Sure, honey, there’s no rush.”

We pay for our stuff and then go back out to the car to head home.

“Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Sure you can, anything at all.”

“Well, when you look at me, do you see a boy or a girl?”

“I see my child whom I love more than life itself.”

“I know that, Mom, really, but when you look at me, aside from being your child, what do you see? Do you see a boy or a girl?”

“Honey, you’re kind of putting me in a tough spot here. I don’t want to influence you and I’m afraid that this might.”

“No, I don’t think so. You and the doctors are right. I’m the only one who can decide what I really am, but at the same time I need to know how you see me. I need to try to figure out how I present myself and maybe that can help me figure this all out. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, yes it does. Well, you’ve always been a beautiful child. I’ve got to admit that between the four of you kids, as a baby you were the most beautiful. Now don’t you dare tell the others I said that. As you were growing up you did tend to be, oh how do I say this, well gentler, more like a little girl really than a boy. Certainly if you compare yourself to your brothers.

“There was also that time when you were dressing in your sister’s old dresses. You looked so sweet and there wasn’t anything to tell you apart from any other girl. Your father and I just thought that it was a phase that you were going through when we caught you.

“I guess if I’m being honest here, I’d have to admit that it is easier to think of you as a girl and not a boy, but either way, you’re my baby and I’ll always love you, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, honey. One other thing and take it for what it’s worth, the times you were dressing as a girl when you were little, and the times you spent with Robbyn, well, you seemed a lot happier, more at peace with yourself, if you know what I mean.”

“Really?”

“It seemed so–to me at least.”

* * *

Mom and I get home and I take my shopping bags up to my room. I figure I might as well try on one of the new bras I got. Oh man, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Me, a girl? I guess all of those times people mistook me for a girl, well, I guess they were right and I was wrong.

I am so glad I’m going in to see Amanda again tomorrow. She really does seem to understand a lot of what I’m going through.

I get up to my room and dump the bags on the bed. Well, it looks like Mom got me a bit more than the bras. Along with the bras were some matching panties. Oh wonderful. Does she really want me as a girl?

I’m just sitting there looking at those panties and finally say to myself, ‘screw it’ and I take my pants off and underwear and pull on one of the new pairs of girl panties. Hey! Well what do you know? These actually fit me better than the boy ones do. I bet Mom thought they would too. The fabric feels better as well.

Shaking my head to myself, I slip my pants back on then grab a bra to match the panties: powder blue cotton. Okay, let’s see if we can get this puppy on.

As I slip it on, I hear a knock on my door.

“Who is it?”

“Ellen. May I come in?”

“Sure.”

“Hey there. Oh, I see you’re moving up in the world: from sport bras to real girl ones.”

“Ha ha. Save the smart remarks and help me here. I don’t think this one fits right but the one I tried on at the store did.”

“That’s what these adjustment straps are for. Let me help you.

“Okay, adjust these and this one until the fit feels good. Better?”

“Much, thanks. Um, Ellen, ah don’t they look rather big to you? It seems to me that I’m huge.”

“Oh you’re not too bad. First of all a lot depends on your overall body shape. A ‘D’ cup on one person could look smaller than a ‘C’ cup on another just by how they are built.

“You have a rather slender frame so you do look a bit bustier, also these bras that Mom got you have a bit of padding to them and that will make you look bigger.”

“Why would Mom want me to look bigger?”

“Hey, take it easy, let’s take a look at you. Hmmm, well it looks to me that you’re in the awkward stage between cup sizes. By going with a larger but padded cup, Mom got you the best fit.

“I can tell you from experience that you don’t want to go with a bra that’s too small for you and one that is too big will gap and look and feel weird, so this was the best solution.”

“Oh, I see. I’ve been kind of jumping the gun on why people are acting or doing something a particular way. That’s the second time in the past few minutes that I thought Mom did something because she’d rather have another girl rather than just because she wanted to help me.

“Oh, Ellen,” and I just start to cry.

“Hey there, what’s this all about?”

“Oh I don’t know. I’m just so confused and it seems that I start crying at the drop of a hat. I just don’t know what to do any more.”

“Well that’s understandable. Things have been coming at you pretty fast and strong for a while now. I’d be surprised if you weren’t feeling overwhelmed at times. The important thing is to realize what is happening and to talk with someone, not leave things bottled up inside. Okay?”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“Of course I am, I’m always right.”

My pillow caught her right in the face.

After a bit of a laugh, Ellen asks, “So, what was the other thing you misunderstood about Mom’s motives?”

“Wha... Oh, she got me matching panties too. They do fit a lot better but when I saw them I couldn’t help but think that she’d rather me be a girl. Stupid, I know.”

“Well don’t let it worry you. Finish getting dressed and you can make it up to her by helping get dinner ready.”

“Okay, that’s not a bad...hey, it’s your turn to help tonight!”

I go for my pillow again and Ellen takes off, laughing as she goes.

I finish dressing and go downstairs to the kitchen. Ellen is peeling potatoes and Mom is cleaning green beans. I go up behind Mom and put my arms around her and give her a hug.

“I love you, Mom.”

“Well, that was nice. I love you too, sweetheart. Want to help?”

“Sure, what do you want me to do?”

“Finish with the green beans while I check on the chicken.”

So, I finish up with the green beans and go to set the table. With that done, I step outside and sit next to the pool. I’m just sitting there staring out into space when Mom comes out.

“Hey there. Thanks for the help. The boys should be home any minute and dinner will be ready in about forty-five minutes. Care for some company?”

“Sure. Mom? I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately. I really don’t mean to take things out on you guys.”

“That’s okay, honey. You really haven’t been bad and we all understand.”

“Well, I’ll try to be better. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the, um, the underwear. It, ah, fits a lot better. Thanks.”

“No problem, honey. We can go and get you some more later if you want.”

“Oh, yeah. Um, that’ll be good. I probably should get used to it. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking that maybe we could get something for me to swim in. I mean, I really would like to make use of this pool and I suppose I can’t skinny dip. Maybe this weekend?”

“Sure, honey. You want me to go with you?”

“Oh god yes. There’s no way I can do this on my own.”

Chuckling, Mom says, “Well, I think you could probably convince your sister to go with you if you didn’t want me to go.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well maybe we could all go?”

“Up to you, honey. I certainly don’t mind.”

At this point, the twins come crashing in the house and Dad, looking a bit wild-eyed, follows.

I’ll never understand those two. They only seem to have two speeds, the first is when they sleep and the second seems to be just short of the speed of light.

They are currently in seventh heaven. Mom and Dad decided that they could take martial arts so they started jujitsu. Mom and Dad were hoping that it would work off some of their energy. I wouldn’t place any bets on that.

All three head out to the patio where Mom and I are. The twins are both talking a mile a minute, excitedly telling us about their latest lesson.

Dad collapses dramatically in the other chair. I giggle at him and Mom just rolls her eyes.

Ellen comes out with a glass of wine for Mom and a gin and tonic for Dad.

Mom tells the twins to run and get cleaned up for dinner. Dad makes the sign of the cross at Ellen and says, “Bless you, child.” Ellen and I laugh.

Dinner is good as always. Right after dinner, when we we’re clearing our dishes, the twins start one of their whipsaw conversations. This is when they start and finish each other’s sentences. It can get kinda creepy sometimes, but then that’s the twins.

“Alex...”

“...we were talking...”

“...and we wanted you to know...”

“...that if you wanted to...”

“...be a girl...”

“...that’s okay...”

“...with us, ’cause...”

“...no matter what...”

“...we still think...”

“...you’re all right and all...”

“...and this way...”

“...Mom and Dad...”

“...would have...”

“...two sons and...”

“...two daughters...”

“...and that would...”

“...be cool.”

My brothers can be little creeps sometimes, but it’s times like this that they make up for it. I tell them, “Thanks,” and give them a hug. Dad looks proud and Mom’s eyes are watery. I have to admit that I am a bit misty-eyed myself.

* * *

Journal Entry: April 17^th

It’s been quite awhile since I wrote in here. Things got a bit out of hand there for some time but they’re beginning to get straightened out now. It won’t be easy or quick, but it will happen.

You see, I did something really stupid: I tried to kill myself. What’s even crazier is I don’t remember doing it.

See I had just learned what was happening to me from the doctor and I guess my brain just couldn’t cope with it. For a while I turned into this zombie type. I just stayed in bed in this black mood. Ellen finally snapped me out of it and it took a bucket of water to do it too.

Anyway, while I was in the shower, I slit my wrist and I almost died because of it. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is what it did to my family. This whole thing really hurt them, it hurt them a lot.

The doctor has me taking some meds to help me and we’ll gradually reduce them, but I don’t think I need the meds. You see, I don’t think I could ever put my family thru that again. I realize that no matter what, they are going to be there for me, that they love me. I also realize that nothing is so bad that you can’t work your way thru it. It might not seem like it at the time, but it’s true.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell my family that I’m sorry that I put them thru all of this. I figure that the best way is to get better and make sure that it never happens again.

The doctor who is helping me sort thru all of this is called Amanda and I really like her.

I don’t know if I’m ready to get into the detail of what we talked about here but she gave me some things to think about and I’ll be going to see her in two days and then weekly for awhile.

When I return from my next appointment, I hope we can discuss this whole intersexed thing I have. From what we talked about today, I’m going to have to make a decision at some point as to what gender I want to be.

Since I’m really trying to cut back on my whining, I’ll only state here, ‘why me?’ and spare my family. This whole thing sucks big time. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to choose? What if I make a mistake? Hell, I don’t know what I want for lunch, now I have to choose my gender? Crap.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 21

Ever have one of those nights that when you wake up you feel like you didn’t get any rest at all? That was my night. It is all I can do to drag myself out of bed and into the shower.

The shower helps some and I’m hoping that a bit of breakfast will get me fully awake.

I get dressed in my usual baggy clothes and make my way downstairs. Mom’s in the kitchen and greets me with an entirely too cheerful, “Morning, sunshine.”

“Mmmmgh,” is about the best I can do for my reply.

Mom just laughs and pours me a glass of juice.

“Tough night last night?”

“Rugsnuffle.”

“Well, get some breakfast into you, that should help. I thought that we’d have lunch in town right after your appointment. Your father dropped Ellen off at school this morning and we’ll pick her up right after your appointment then catch some lunch–if that’s okay.”

“Um, fine. Where are the boys?”

“Upstairs. We’ll drop them off at the Marshall’s on our way. They have some stuff to take care of for their scouting.”

“Oh, okay. I think I’m going to go for a run. Maybe that will wake me up.”

“Dressed like that? It’s already getting warm out there. You might want to change.”

“Hmm, good point.”

So I go back upstairs to change and since there really isn’t any reason not to, I put on the running outfit Robbyn had me get. Besides, I really miss her and I feel a bit closer to her when I wear it.

So I finish getting dressed, and looking into the mirror I really can’t see the boy I used to be, anymore. I can’t help but wonder if he’s gone for good or if I can get him back. If I can, do I want to?

I put my hair in a ponytail and dash downstairs. I yell out that I’m going and head out the front door. I figure a run down to the yacht club and back will be a good one. Besides, I love looking at some of the yachts there–oh to be rich enough to afford one of those.

The run is largely uneventful, but it does serve to wake me up finally. I do get to see a couple of really nice boats. One is absolutely huge and oh so nice. I also am able to scope out what might turn out to be a prime Parkour route. I’ll have to give it a try real soon. The one that Ellen found for me is okay I guess, but I like it on the rooftops and her route is on the ground.

Anyway, I make it back home and as my run took a bit longer than I had anticipated, I have to shower quickly, change and then rush downstairs to meet up with Mom and the twins so we can get going.

I’m afraid that I’m not a very good conversationalist for the drive up to the city. I’m awfully preoccupied with my upcoming meeting with Amanda. We’re going to be discussing the test results I had just gotten as well as a whole bunch of other stuff.

Traffic and parking is a real bear and Mom has to drop me off in front of Amanda’s building so I can get there on time. Mom is going to find a parking spot and then come on up.

I walk into the reception area and check in, then try to find something to read that is relevant to this century–not much luck there.

Just as I’m about to settle down and read a two-year-old People magazine, Amanda comes out and asks me to come on back.

Days later–okay, maybe it was only about an hour later–Amanda steps out to ask my Mom to come back so the three of us can discuss some stuff.

Mom comes in and immediately comes on over to me. She can tell that I’ve been crying. She asks, “What’s wrong, honey? Why have you been crying?”

“Oh nothing, Mom, everything’s okay.”

Mom doesn’t seem to believe me and Amanda adds, “We’re making some great progress and I’m afraid that some of that progress comes with a lot of emotional release. We wanted you to come on back to discuss some of what was dealt with in this session.”

Mom sits down next to me on the couch and says, “Okay.”

“Well, Alex, do you want to talk or shall I?”

“Um, could you please?”

“All right. Mrs. Conners, some of what we dealt with today is Alex’s need to make a choice of gender. Now Alex has spent his life up to now, living as a boy. In order for him to make an informed choice, we’ve discussed, and Alex agrees with me, that he’s going to have to experience life as a girl.”

Mom’s eyes widen but she doesn’t seem too terribly surprised. I just turn a bright shade of red and nod my head.

“Now I’ve suggested that since Alex has already experimented with dressing as a girl, that he now continues it full time over the summer. At the end of summer, Alex should have a much better idea of the route that he needs to choose. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of both choices and if he wants to, Alex can share them, it’s entirely up to him.

“We wanted to discuss the idea of Alex going full-time as a girl with you to get your reaction and your thoughts of the reactions of the rest of the family.”

“Well, I can’t say that this surprises me. Dr. Martin did mention it when we got the test results. I am a bit surprised that it’s come so soon, but quite frankly I don’t know why I should be.

“I’ve discussed this extensively with my husband and we both are in full agreement. We will support Alex fully no matter what decision he makes.

“Does this bother me? Heck yes it does–but only because this is causing Alex pain. If I could, I’d take all of the pain away. Since I can’t, the only thing I can do–that Alex’s father and I both can do–is give Alex all of the support and love that we can. We only want the best for Alex, whatever the choice he makes is.”

I hug Mom and quietly start to cry. Mom is a bit choked up as well.

“That’s very good to hear, Mrs. Conners. I can’t begin to tell you how much easier that this will make it for Alex. It is still going to be difficult, but the full support of you and your husband will help greatly.

“Now, what about the rest of your family? Alex’s sister and two brothers–will they be as supportive as well?”

“I know his sister will. Although his brothers are two years younger than Alex, they’ve been remarkably understanding and supportive so far. I don’t see why that would change.

“Has a decision been made as to when this will happen?”

At this, both Mom and Amanda turn and look at me.

“Well, Mom. Um, we’ve kinda talked about it and well, ah, probably the sooner the better.”

“Honey, are you sure?”

“Yeah. I know I’m going to have to decide and well, the sooner the better. Right now, I feel like I’m being torn in half. I, I want to get moving on this.”

“Okay, honey. Doctor, what’s next?”

“That’s up to Alex–he’s setting the pace on this. We’ve agreed that it should be soon, but, Alex, you decide on the actual timing, okay?”

“Okay. I’m kind of thinking that maybe this weekend.”

“Fine. Now both of you remember, I’m only a phone call away if anything comes up.”

At this, Mom and I stand and Amanda walks us out.

We schedule my appointment for next week and head out to the car to pick up Ellen. I wonder how I’ll be dressed for that next appointment. Oh god, I can’t believe I’m going to do this.

***

We’re running a bit late, so Ellen is already outside her building waiting for us when we pull up.

She quickly tosses her stuff in the trunk and jumps in the back seat.

“Hey, guys. How’d the appointment go, Alex?”

“Um, ’kay I guess.”

“What? What happened?”

“Ellen, Alex has decided to try to live as a girl for awhile, starting this weekend.”

“Really? This is going to be so cool.”

Somehow, I just can’t get as enthused as Ellen is about all of this. Quite frankly, I’m nervous as hell.

“So what does all of this mean?”

“Well for starters, it means that we’re going to have to get your brother, I mean ‘sister’, a new wardrobe.”

At the word ‘sister’, Ellen starts to giggle and I lean out the window and throw up.

Mom quickly pulls over and I get out and finish heaving breakfast into the gutter. After I’m done, Ellen hands me a bottle of water and I rinse and spit until I get all the taste out of my mouth. God I hate throwing up.

Mom has her arm around me and Ellen is rubbing my back. Mom asks, “Are you going to be all right now? We’ll be home in just a bit.”

“No. You said all three of us would go out for lunch and believe it or not, I feel much better now. I think everything just hit me at once.”

“Are you sure, honey? We can just go home and I can fix us something there.”

“No, Mom, I’m sure. I really do feel fine now. I just think that my nerves just hit all at once.”

We all get back into the car and we make our way to a little restaurant down by Fisherman’s Wharf.

All three of us get a light seafood salad that tastes great. Along with it comes some of the best sourdough bread I’ve ever had. I can probably make a meal of just the bread, it’s so good.

During lunch we discuss my upcoming transformation to ‘sugar and spice and everything nice.’ We talk about the need for me to get a new set of clothes and makeup, and even changing my room a bit to make it more like a girl’s one.

Near the end of lunch, Ellen gets a sparkle in her eye. “Mom, I just had the best idea. It’ll be perfect to get Alex into ‘girl mode’.”

“What would that be?”

“Two words, ‘spa day’. What do you think?”

I’m looking confused at both of them.

“That’s a good idea, Ellen. I’ve wanted to try that one that just opened up over by the country club. I wonder if they have any openings on Saturday. Let’s get home and make some calls.”

“Will you two tell me what you’re talking about?”

Ellen giggles and Mom says, “Your sister had a great idea. If you’re up to it, we can do some shopping tonight or tomorrow, then all three of us can go to this day spa I heard about on Saturday.”

“Okay, what’s a day spa?”

“Well, basically it’s a place to go and get pampered. You can get something as basic as a manicure or a pedicure to a massage or hairstyling. You name it, these places do it.

“They’re a lot of fun and it’s wonderful to get pampered and well, your sister and I think it’ll help get you in the right mindset.

“We can start with getting your hair done, then your nails and well, we can just take it one step at a time.”

“I don’t know, Mom.”

“Come on, Alex,” Ellen chimes in, “it’ll be a blast. All you need to do is just sit back and relax. We’ll take it slow but I think you’re going to really like it.”

“We can go slowly? And we can stop at any time?”

“You’ll have the final say.”

I look at Mom and she nods her head and then I look at Ellen and she’s looking real eager. I have the same feeling I quite often had when Robbyn talked me into things.

“Okay, but if I say we go, we go.”

“Yippee,” says Ellen.

Mom says, “Of course, honey. Let’s get home so I can give them a call.”

After we get home, Mom goes to make her phone calls, Ellen goes downstairs and I go up to my room. I have a whole bunch of stuff to try to straighten out in my mind.

I go into my room and lay down on my bed and start going over just what all was decided today. I wonder if I’m too young for an ulcer or a nervous tick.

The next thing I know, Ellen is gently shaking me awake.

“Hey there, sleepyhead. You need to get up and come on downstairs. Dinner will be ready in a bit.”

“Wow, I was really out of it. I didn’t think I was that tired.”

“Well, all things considered, I’m not really surprised. Feel any better?”

“Hmm. Good question. I suppose so. I’m still trying to get used to all of this.”

“What are you having trouble with? It seems to me, and based on all you’ve said you and Robbyn have done, that you were getting pretty used to dressing up as a girl. What’s different now?”

“You know, that’s one of the things I’ve been trying to get straight myself. Amanda has been helping me a lot in getting me through this. I think that the difference is this. Before, when I was seven, I was still real young. I didn’t have any of the notions of how girls act and dress one way and boys act and dress another. I mean really, when you’re seven, that just isn’t part of what you think about.

“Then there are my times with Robbyn; well I think part of it–maybe all of it–was like make believe and it was ‘dress up’. Somehow, this isn’t real and I’ll always go back to being ‘me’. Kinda like an actor, I suppose. When you act, it’s just a role, you don’t become the character. At some point, the play ends and you go back to being you.

“Living full-time as a girl, well, it’s not going to be like that. I will be a girl full-time and I may never go back, I may never be able to go back. I might not want to. All of that is very scary.

“I’ve grown up thinking of myself one way. I’m a boy. I might look a bit girly but damn it, I’m a boy. Then comes Robbyn, and to a certain extent what we did when I was seven, but mainly Robbyn I think. There’s some sort of connection that she and I have. It’s a lot like what you and I have. Anyway, Robbyn comes along and thinks I’m a girl and treats me that way. She forces me to act like one and to dress like one and I like it. I can’t explain why, but I do.

“But the whole time, I still think of myself as a boy. I might dress like a girl sometimes and that may make me a weird boy, but I’m still a boy.

“Then there’s my body, it starts to develop all wrong. At least it’s wrong for a boy to develop this way. Anyway, it turns out that I’m not a boy after all, and the kicker is I’m not sure I’m really a girl either. I guess maybe I’m something in between. Now because of how I am and how I’m developing, I need to decide if I want to be a boy or a girl, and to make this rather important decision, I need to experience how it is to live as both.

“This isn’t going to be pretend anymore. If or when I get tired of it, I won’t be able to go back and that scares me. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. My whole sense of self is being challenged and sometimes it overwhelms me a bit.”

“I can understand that. Well, despite how you look, how do you feel? I mean, do you feel like you’re a boy or a girl?”

“Now that is the question of the day. The answer is ‘I don’t know.’ I mean I thought I did, but that’s why I need to do the whole live as a girl bit. After all, what does it feel like to be a girl? What does it feel like to be a boy? I really don’t know and I can’t know until I have experienced living on both sides of the street.”

“You can look at it this way. You are kind of lucky you know.”

“Lucky? Me? Some luck this is.”

“No, I mean it. Oh, I’m not saying that what you’re going through isn’t traumatic but you have an opportunity that few do. You get to choose. You get to define your path and how you’ll present yourself to the world. Not very many people get that choice.”

“That’s an interesting way to look at it. I think I’d have skipped this honor but it is a different way of looking at it.”

“It’s true though. Anyway, think about it. I know it won’t be easy but I’ll help you all that I can.

“In the meantime, let’s get on downstairs. Dad’s doing steaks on the grill and I’m hungry.”

Part 22

My Dad’s a funny guy. You put him in the kitchen and he can, and probably would, burn water. You stick him in front of a grill and he can do wonders. His steaks practically melt in your mouth and he does a grilled veggie dish that is out of this world. Tonight is no exception.

The food is great and during dinner, Mom tells me that we are set for Saturday to do my spa day. Whoopee. Sorry, just a tad nervous about this.

Dad and the twins have been brought up to date on what is happening and that I’ll be living as a girl for the summer.

The boys giggle a bit and I suppose I can’t blame them. I mean, it is a bit funny if it isn’t happening to you. But all in all, they’re being super-understanding–far more than I ever expected them to be. I only have to push them in the pool once.

Dad is informed that he’ll have to fend for himself on Saturday, so he decides that he’ll just spend the day at the club since the twins will be leaving Friday night for a scouting camp out. He really doesn’t look all that heartbroken.

We decide that we’ll do some of my shopping tonight as tomorrow morning I need to get my stitches out and do some more tests. Since we don’t know how long the test will take, we’ll go ahead and do some shopping tonight and then more tomorrow.

I help clean up after dinner, and then Mom, Ellen and I get into Mom’s car for the drive to the mall.

Every mile closer to the mall we get, my anxiety level rises. Amanda has given me some relaxation techniques and I’m doing them for all I’m worth. I think they might have helped a bit, not much, but at this point I take all that I can get.

We get to the mall and Mom and Ellen take things nice and slow for me. Going into Nordstrom’s it appears to me that we’re just wandering aimlessly around. Not so, my sister is a champion shopper and she learned her trade from the ‘master,’ my Mom. This ‘aimless’ pattern is really their way to maximize the shopping in the shortest amount of time.

The first place we hit is the cosmetics counter. Fortunately, my training with Robbyn helps me here. I actually think I surprise Mom and Ellen a bit when I shyly talk makeup with the saleswoman.

“Where did you learn about makeup so well?” asks Mom as we gather my packages and move on.

“Robbyn. We’d not only dressed up but would put on makeup and experiment with different looks. I thought you knew that.”

“Well I did, but I just didn’t realize that you learned it so well. Now keep in mind, I don’t want you wearing too much makeup, especially at your age. When your sister was your age, I didn’t let her wear anything more than lip-gloss.”

“Then why are you getting me this stuff and letting me do more than that?”

“You have a lot of catching up to do. Your sister grew up thinking of herself as a girl. This is all new to you and I figure that a little bit of makeup might help you with that process.”

“Oh, okay, I can see that, not that I plan on wearing much if any. At least I learned the basics from one of the best. You two may be champion shoppers, but there isn’t anything about makeup that Robbyn doesn’t know. I think she might have tested most of her knowledge on me at one time or another.”

We giggle at that and suddenly I find myself in the Juniors Department.

“Okay,” says Mom, “I think that we’ll only want to get one or two items of each type for tonight. I’m thinking a couple of pairs of jeans, some shorts, a couple of skirts, maybe a light dress. Then we’ll get you some tanks and blouses and once we get those, we’ll get you some shoes. Oh, and you’ll need something for swimming and of course you’ll also need something for your running.

“Well, that’ll be a start at least. Okay then, Ellen, what about these?”

And the two of them are off. I follow behind with I’m sure a dazed expression on my face. Mom and Ellen pull items off a rack and hold it up to me. They give it a quick look and either put it back or add it to the increasingly large pile of clothes.

When we each have a large arm full of clothes, I’m thinking that we’re were finally done. I’m wrong. We instead go to the dressing rooms.

“Oh geeze, guys. I don’t think I can do this.”

“It’s okay, honey,” Mom says.

“Yeah, Alex, besides there isn’t anyone back here anyway. Now we need to see these things on you, so in you go.”

With that, I’m shoved into a dressing room and told to strip down to my skivvies.

The first thing handed to me is a pair of jeans. I get them mostly on and just know that they’ll get no further.

“Hey, guys, these are way too small for me.”

“No way,” replies Ellen. “Let me see.”

Ellen opens the door and I squawk, “Ellen!”

“Oh stop. Now let me see. Hmm, they’re not too small, they’re supposed to be snug. Here, let me help. With that, she pulls me out and stands behind me, grabs the waistband and lifts. Sure enough, they come up the rest of the way but no way will they close.

“See, there’s no way they’ll be able to close.”

“Oh posh. Suck in your stomach.”

I do and she closes them! I’m thinking that I’m being cut in half and say so. Ellen accuses me of being too dramatic. Mom just laughs at us.

“Look, sis, they have some stretch in them and you have the type of figure that will really look good in these.”

“What?”

“I said your figure is ideal for this type of jean. Now try this top on.”

I hadn’t meant that, Ellen called me, ‘sis’. For some reason that got me all emotional and I don’t know if it’s because it makes me happy or if it makes me sad. I do know that it makes me love my sister all the more.

Ellen seems to be directing this show tonight and I am more than willing to let her. She has me in and out of all of the clothes we have brought back with us and then she’d remember another item of clothing and run out to get it.

During one of these runs, Mom asks me if I’m okay.

“Oh, I’m okay. I don’t know how you guys can do your all-day shopping trips though. This is wearing me out and we haven’t even been at it for an hour and a half yet.”

“You get used to it. It can be a lot of fun. It looked like you were about to cry there for a while. We can stop at anytime you know. Your sister can sometimes get carried away.”

“I know, Mom. It’s not that. It’s just...”

“What?”

“Ellen called me sis for the first time. It kinda got me all choked up there for a minute. She’s gotta be the best sister anyone could ask for.”

“You’re pretty swell yourself, you know.”

“Thanks, Mom. You’re not too bad, either.” With a big smile, I give Mom a hug.

Ellen soon returns with several more items that I have to try on.

Soon it looks like we we’re about done. We now have two piles. One is the rejects and the other larger one is all of the keepers.

I look around and don’t see Mom. I take off the last outfit and am getting ready to put on my old clothes when Mom comes back.

“Just a couple more things, honey, then we can move on. You’re going to have to take off your bra though.”

In Mom’s hands are a couple of different types of swimsuits. She hands them to me and gives me a little shove into the changing room.

“Try the light blue two-piece on first. I think it’s real cute.”

“Ah, okay, Mom.”

I take my bra off and slip the bottoms up. They’re almost like shorts–real tight short shorts, but shorts. These might not be so bad. I’m afraid of getting something too skimpy.

The top looks like, well I’m not sure how to describe it. It has about a three-inch zipper closure in front. I guess that the best way to describe it is a real short vest but the back is open. It’s made by Body Glove and the dark blue one-piece is by Speedo.

“Well?” both Mom and Ellen call out.

“Well what?”

“Let’s see it,” is Mom’s response.

“Um, I don’t think so, Mom.”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“Well for starters, it’s awful snug.”

Ellen starts to giggle at this and Mom says, “It’s supposed to be, honey. Come on, open the door.”

“No one is out there, are they?”

“Just your sister and me.”

“Okay.” I open the door and step out.

Mom nods her head and says, “Not bad.”

Ellen says, “Wow, that one’s nice. Turn around, let’s see all of it.”

Turning bright red I do a spin.

“Okay, sis, let’s see the one-piece.”

I quickly go back in the dressing room and close the door. I strip out of the two-piece suit and pull on the dark blue one-piece. I feel much better wearing this as it covers more. The sides of the leg openings are cut higher so you can see my panties but I won’t be wearing them after we buy it, anyhow.

I finish putting it on and go back out. “Well, how’s this one?”

Ellen says, “Well you could lose the panties but otherwise that one is very nice, too. Here, try this one on now.”

What she hands me is a very small, very pink bikini. “You got to be kidding me. I’m not going to wear that,” and I give it back to her.

“Why not?”

“Well...it’s just, well I’d feel naked wearing it. The entire thing could fit in a thimble.”

“Oh it’s not that bad. Just try it on. Please. Who knows, you might like it.”

Extremely reluctantly, I take it back from her and go back into the dressing room.

“You’re going to have to take your panties off for this one, sis,” she giggles.

So I put it on. I have a bit of an issue getting the back tied until I figure that I can tie it in front then spin it around then tie the neck pieces. When I’m done, it feels like I’m still naked.

“This is way too small.”

“Well, let’s see it,” replies Mom. “No one is out here, it’s safe.”

I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Oh, I don’t know why I let you guys talk me into this.”

I open the door and step out. Mom is covering her mouth with her hand but I can tell that she’s smiling at me. Ellen gives me a wolf whistle.

“Wow, sis, you’re going to have to beat them off with a stick with that one. It’ll look even better when you get more of a tan. You’re lucky that you have a darker complexion. It’s going to take me half the summer to get to where you are now, ya brat.”

I turn and look at myself in the three-way mirror. Holy moly! Is that me?

“I can’t wear this! My boobs are hanging out and my butt...well let’s just say only my doctor should be seeing this much of me.”

Mom and Ellen are laughing. Mom says, “Oh I wouldn’t say that. I think it looks real nice on you, honey.”

I go back into the dressing room to change into my clothes and say, “Well, I don’t think I can wear that. Sorry.”

“Okay, sis, but I think it looks the best of the three.”

I toss the bikini out to Ellen and finish getting dressed.

We lug all of the new clothes over to the register and the clerk starts to ring it all up.

Ellen takes me over to the accessories area and we pick out a couple of belts, a purse and clutch and a wallet as well as some headbands and clips.

We get it all back just before the clerk finishes ringing up the clothes.

As soon as Mom is done paying, we all grab a handful of bags and head to the shoe department.

Here we just get a couple of pairs of flats and some sandals.

When we’re done, we head back to the car. Mom and Ellen are chattering away and I feel exhausted.

“I really don’t know how you two do it.”

“Do what? asks Ellen.

“When it comes to shopping, you two are like the Energizer Bunny, you keep going, and going, and going. Me? I’m wiped.”

Ellen and Mom both laugh and at the same time say, “You’ll get used to it.”

This gets all three of us laughing.

We get home and lug all of my new clothes up to my room.

While we were gone, Dad brought up a number of boxes to my room. I now need to pack up the majority of my old clothes to make room for my new wardrobe.

Mom goes back downstairs and Ellen stays to help me. We pack up just about all of my old stuff and begin to put my new clothes away. Ellen is hanging things in the closet and I am putting things in my dresser when I come across a flash of pink. I pull out the bikini that I had tried on at the store.

“Ellen, why is this here? I said that I wasn’t going to wear this.”

“Oh that. Well, I figured that you might change your mind. Anyway, you can wear it here when you’re working on your tan by the pool. No one will see you and that will work much better than your other suits.”

“Hmmm, not likely. It really felt like I didn’t have anything on when I tried that on.”

“Who knows, you might change your mind. There, that’s the last from tonight’s shopping and there’s plenty of room for when we get the rest of your clothes.”

“I don’t need that much more do I?”

“Are you kidding? There’s a ton more that you’ll need. Boys may be able to get by with just a couple of shirts and a couple of pairs of pants; there’s no way any self-respecting girl can.”

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 23

I didn’t sleep real well last night. I keep tossing and turning. Finally, at around five this morning I give up and get up. I figure that I can put the time to good use and decide that today I will go out as a girl. Just what in the dickens am I getting myself into?

I get out of bed and figure that the best thing I can do is just keep moving and try not to think about it. So, I strip off my tee shirt and panties and go take my shower.

I take my new razor and shaving gel and lather up my legs and shave them. Hmm, not too bad. With luck the bleeding from all of the nicks will stop before I’m done. I check my underarms and there’s no hair there. Thank god. I’d probably cut off my arm if I tried it this morning.

I shampoo and condition my hair then soap up with the new body wash that Mom got me. It smells kinda nice.

When I’m finally done I rinse off and happily note that I’m not bleeding anymore.

I turn off the water and grab my towel and dry off. With that done I go back into my room and grab a pair of panties and one of the new pairs of jeans I got yesterday. I figure that jeans will be the safest to start out with.

I put on some socks and pull on my jeans. I have to hop up and down a couple of times to get them all of the way on then pull hard to button and zip them. Why on earth did Ellen get these so snug?

With that done, I put on my trainers and go back into the bathroom to finish my hair. I grab my blow dryer and brush and begin the long process of drying my hair. It really is getting to be more of a pain to deal with. It’s around eighteen to twenty inches now and really wavy. I’m seriously thinking of having the place we’re going to tomorrow cut it all off.

With my hair dry, I hold it back with a headband and apply a bit of lip-gloss. I think I’ll just limit my makeup to that for now.

I step back and look at the result. Hmm, not too bad I suppose. Probably ought to put on a bra and shirt though–might raise a few eyebrows if I don’t.

I start to giggle at the thought then sober up as I take a close look at myself. Standing here in front of the mirror in my jeans and with no top on, there’s no doubt that what I’m looking at is a girl. A rather tall, thin girl with a crooked nose that Mom and Ellen say is pretty. Quite frankly, I don’t see that part.

Oh well, better finish up and get downstairs and fix some breakfast. I’m starving. Last night’s dinner was early and my stomach is growling.

I grab a green bra to match my panties and then pull on one of my new tee shirts. With that done, I head on downstairs.

I’m surprised to see Mom already up with a cup of coffee and reading the paper.

“Hey, Mom, you’re up early.”

“Morning, sweetheart. I could say the same for you. Starting early are you?” she asks indicating my clothes.

“Oh, yeah. I figured there wasn’t any reason not to, so I figured I’d take the plunge. I look okay, don’t I?

“You look very nice. I was just a bit surprised. Why are you up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Figured I might as well get up as stay in bed and toss and turn.”

“No food, honey. Not until after your appointment.”

“What! I’m starving and it’s a good three hours until I see the doctor. How am I supposed to last till then?”

“Waiting until after the appointment won’t kill you, and you can drink all that you want. In fact, Dr. Martin wants you to drink until you think you’ll float away. So have some juice.”

“Oh man. Why no food and all the drink?”

“I’m not sure of the specifics but Dr. Martin said that it will improve the test results.”

“Oh. Um, Mom? Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure you can, honey, anything at all. What’s on your mind?”

I pour myself a large glass of grapefruit juice and sit across from Mom.

“Well, am I adopted?”

“Where on earth did that come from?”

“Well?”

“No, honey, you are not adopted. What makes you ask that?”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. The birth of my children is one of the events in my life that I don’t think I can ever forget. Now what is this all about?”

“Well, it’s just that I’m not like anyone else in this family. This whole thing I’ve got and how I look and all. I mean, Ellen looks just like you and the twins look like Dad. Me? I don’t look like either one of you. You all have a lighter skin tone and lighter hair and all and I thought I might be adopted.”

“Oh, sweetheart. I promise you, you are not adopted. It’s true that you don’t take much after either your father or me, although you do have my mouth I think and you have a lot of your father around your eyes. However, that does not mean you were adopted. In fact, you look so much like your Aunt Dee that it’s spooky. You’ve seen pictures of her, haven’t you?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’ve heard Dad talk about his sister but I don’t remember seeing any pictures of her.”

“Come with me.”

Mom gets up and heads off to the den. This is one of the inner sanctums of the house. None of us kids are allowed in here without Mom or Dad saying it’s okay.

We go in and I sit on the leather loveseat and Mom goes over to the bookcase, pulls out a photo album and brings it over.

Mom sits next to me and opens it up. “Here’s a picture of your aunt. I think this was taken a couple of years ago.” Mom stops at one page and there’s a studio shot of my aunt. She and I have the same coloring. Her hair is black like mine but she has some of the greenest eyes I’ve ever seen and mine are blue. She’s also far prettier than I could ever be.

“Wow, Mom. This is wild. How come we don’t hear anything about Dad’s family?”

“Well, your father and your grandfather had a bit of a falling out just before your Dad and I got married, and being two of the most stubborn men on the Earth, neither one has taken steps to make up to the other. Between that and them still living in Ireland and of course, us travelling around the world like gypsies, well, we’ve just lost contact.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“You are, too. You look a lot like her, you know.”

“Mom, I am not pretty.”

“You are so, and if you decide to be female, you are going to make a very beautiful woman.”

“Do you really think so? I mean, well, I’m not fishing for compliments or anything, but I don’t think I look all that pretty. I have this crooked nose and I’m tall and skinny, then I look at you or Ellen or someone, say like Robbyn, now she’s beautiful, and I just don’t think that I’m like that.”

“Well you aren’t silly. Yes, Robbyn is very pretty and she’s going to grow up to be a very beautiful woman. But her beauty is all too common, almost like a Barbie doll. Now I’m not putting her down or anything but there isn’t anything about her that stands out. I think she’ll do very well in her beauty contests because she has that same type of look. Watch any of these pageants and all the women look very much the same.

“Then there’s you. You too are very pretty and will grow up to be very beautiful. The difference between you and Robbyn is you are going to be the one that will be remembered. Your features stand out. You have a classic beauty look with a hint of the exotic about you. You have a nice figure already and it will only get better. With your very long legs and narrow waist and that thick black hair of yours, well you’re going to draw attention wherever you go.

“Does all of that make any sense to you?”

“Yeah, kind of. I’m not sure I believe it all though.”

I smile at my Mom and she gives me a hug.

“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Let’s go back into the kitchen. I could use some more coffee and it looks like you need some more juice.”

“Ugh, I slosh when I walk as it is. At least I don’t feel as hungry anymore.”

Mom has just started a new batch of coffee when Dad comes into the kitchen.

“Well, good morning, you two, you both are up awful early this morning.”

“Morning, honey.”

“Morning, Dad.”

“Well so...um, Alex. You look, um, very nice this morning.”

“Thank you, Dad.”

Dad starts to fix some toast, then gets his coffee. All the while he keeps looking over at me. I finally say, “Kinda hard to get used to, isn’t it?”

“Wha...? Oh, sorry. Yes, it’s going to take a bit to get used to seeing you this way.”

“You ought to try it from my side,” I said smiling.

Dad smiles back and says, “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass. So, what’s on everyone’s schedule today?”

“Well, we’re going to the doctor’s for some more tests, then Mom is taking me out to get some more clothes.”

Mom says, “Ellen will be going too. She’s going to need some new things for summer and I could always use a new outfit. Just so you don’t feel left out, I’ll get you some new shirts.”

“Now don’t go spoiling me.” Dad goes over and gives Mom a kiss. “Oh, by the way. I might be doing quite a bit of travelling around the state for the next month or so. It’s going to make scheduling things like dinner fun but I’ll try not to let it get too out of hand.”

“Well, just try to let me know how many plates I should set at the table.”

“Dad, do you have any other pictures of your sister? Like when you guys were kids?”

My question catches Dad just as he’s swallowing some coffee and it goes down wrong. Coughing and sputtering, he asks, “Where did that come from?”

“Alex got the notion that he, I mean she, might be adopted because she doesn’t look very much like either you or me. I got out the picture Dee sent you a couple of years ago to show her that she takes after your sister. The resemblance is quite strong.”

“Well, there should be an old photo album or two around here somewhere. Lord knows where it would be since we moved, but I don’t see why we can’t dig it up. Now that you mention it, Alex does look a lot like Dee did at that age.”

Mom says, “We can look for it later, right now we need to finish getting ready and leave for your appointment.”

“You two have a good day and I’ll see you tonight. If I get home early, I’ll look around for those albums.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

I finish up my juice and run upstairs to brush my teeth. Afterwards I’m standing by my dresser and realize that I can’t just stuff my wallet and keys in my pockets and be off. I grab the new leather purse that we got yesterday and pull out all of the paper stuffed in it. I put in my wallet, keys and at the last moment, I put in some lip-gloss too. Feeling a bit silly and a tad self-conscious, I go back downstairs to meet up with Mom.

Shortly after, Mom comes downstairs and we call out our goodbyes to Dad and leave.

We leave just in time to hit the morning rush. I think that we probably could walk the distance faster.

We get to the doctor’s office and I’m her first appointment of the day. My name is called and we get up and while I’m asked to go on in to the exam room, Dr. Martin pulls Mom aside and they speak briefly before coming on in.

“Good morning, Alex. You look very nice this morning.”

“Thank you, Doctor, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Well, first things first. You need to take this pill and you need to drink this entire bottle of water.”

“What’s the pill for? And there’s no way I can drink that much water anytime soon.”

“The pill will help you stay relaxed for the exam and you need as much of the water in you as possible to improve the test results. We’ll be using an ultrasound, and the more water, the better.”

“Okay, but I thought we did an ultrasound already.”

“We did, but this one will be more detailed. Now take the pill and start on that water while we get these stitches out.”

So, down goes the pill and I start in on the water while watching the doctor remove the stitches.

“That’s healing very well. Now I want you to continue using that cream we gave you and keep it bandaged for another week. Hopefully that will keep the scarring down. It looks like it’s working quite well. How does it feel?”

“Fine.”

With the last of the stitches out, the doctor applies some more cream that will help reduce the scarring and then re-bandages everything. I’m beginning to feel real lethargic and out of it.

Dr. Martin gives me a close look and says, “That’s working faster than I expected. Now I’m going to have your mother help you get undressed and into this gown. I’ll be back shortly and we’ll get this test done.”

I’m feeling really light-headed at this point and am not much help in getting undressed. My sense of balance is shot but eventually I’m in the hospital gown and lying down on the table.

A short time later, the doctor comes back with the nurse and they’re rolling a cart in with them.

“How are you doing, Alex?”

“Okay I guess, I really need to use the bathroom though.”

“Hold on there and you’ll be able to just as soon as we’re done with the test. Now I need you to roll over on your left side. There you go. Now let’s straighten out this bottom leg and bend this top leg just a bit more.

“Okay, now Alex, I need you to try and stay as relaxed as possible. The more relaxed you are, the easier this will be. You’re going to feel a bit of pressure in your rear. Just relax and take deep, steady breaths.”

“Okay, Doctor.”

At this point I haven’t a clue what is going on. About the only thing I know is I really need to use the bathroom. My bladder feels like it is going to explode. Then the whole ‘you’re going to feel a bit of pressure’ takes on its full meaning as something cold, wet and feeling the size of a baseball bat is slowly pushed up my bum!

I completely forget about my full bladder and even forget to breathe until the doctor reminds me. Then I’m breathing like a freight train until she tells me to slow it down. This lasts for about a year in my time–I have no idea how long it really lasts. Finally, the tree trunk is slowly being pulled out. Thank god!

“Excellent job, Alex. You did very well.”

All I could do was look between the doctor and my Mom with eyes the size of dinner plates.

“Oh my goodness! Why didn’t someone warn me about that! Oh my goodness! Why did you have to stick it up there?”

“If I had told you, it would have made you too nervous and you would have tensed up and that makes it far worse, and we ‘stuck it up there’ because that gave us the best images.”

“Oh, okay, but geeze that hurt. Can I use the bathroom now? I’m about to wet myself.”

“Sure, here, let the nurse help you. While you’re at it, we’ll need another urine sample.”

“Not a problem.”

The nurse helps me get none too steadily to my feet and I shuffle over to the bathroom. Oh boy, am I sore. I close the door and do my business.

Eventually I finish and as I go to stand there’s a sharp pain that shoots up my...never mind.

I waddle back out and the nurse helps me back to the table.

“Are we done now?”

“Yes, Alex, you can go behind that curtain and dress if you want.”

“I’d rather not do any unnecessary walking. Mom, can you hand me my clothes?”

“Sure, honey. Let me help you.”

“So, Dr. Martin, did this help?” I ask.

“Oh yes. I’m going to have these images looked at by another doctor and we can discuss the results at your next appointment. I’ll leave you to finish up. Make another appointment in a week and we’ll go over everything, okay?”

Mom and I both say, “Thank you, Doctor,” at the same time and she leaves.

“Mom, I sure hope you didn’t know what was going to happen before we got here.”

Smiling she says, “If I did?”

“Then I’d be very disappointed in you for not giving me a chance to run away.”

Laughing she says, “No, honey, it was a surprise to me as well.”

I finish dressing and we leave after making another appointment for next week.

***

We drive back home from the doctor’s office and I swear I feel every bump in the road on the way back.

When we get home, there is a note from Ellen that she has had to go into school to take care of some things but that she would be home around lunchtime and then we could go shopping.

Seeing as how I didn’t sleep well last night and that my bum was so sore now, I decide to go up to my room and lay down for awhile.

Before I know it I am fast asleep.

It seems like I have just closed my eyes when Mom is gently shaking me awake.

“Alex, time to get up, honey.”

“M’kay, Mom.”

“Come on downstairs and have some lunch.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there.”

I get up and go into the bathroom to freshen up, then head on downstairs.

I get downstairs and Ellen and Mom are in the kitchen talking.

Mom asks, “Feeling better?”

“Much, thanks.”

Ellen is smiling at me and says, “I heard that you had an interesting exam this morning.”

“You have no idea. That was the worst thing I’ve ever had done to me.”

“Oh I think I can imagine what it was like. You’ve never had a full pelvic exam. Those are no fun either.”

I just shudder in response and start to fix myself a sandwich. I am so hungry. I can’t believe that I went and took a nap without eating anything this morning.

“Ellen, you keep telling me that I don’t have nearly enough clothes. What else are we going to get. It seems to me that I have all I’ll need.”

“Oh young seeker of knowledge, you have truly come to proper path of enlightenment. Come sit at my feet and I will reveal unto you the mysteries of the female wardrobe... Honey, you can never have too many clothes.”

Mom and I are laughing at her.

“Seriously, Alex, you do need more, even just to last through the summer.”

“Like what?”

“Okay, here’s my summer fashion spiel: Ladies, for summer, the key is to dress for comfort and to keep it simple. Now remember shorts and a tee shirt are great for this because they’re fast and easy, but they can be boring and a bit predictable at the same time.

“Now to get away from all of the tee and short blandness and kick things up a bit, you’re going to need a skirt. Now skirts instantly up your style and they have the added bonus of being cool and comfortable to wear. You’re going to need several different types of styles and lengths.”

Mom and I are giggling at her. Ellen sounds just like a fashion reporter on TV.

Ellen continues, “You’re also going to need some sandals, boots and plain old flip-flops. I think you probably should also have a couple of dresses, both casual sundresses and something more sophisticated for when we go out to dinner or something.

“There’s still an awful lot you are going to need.”

“Skirts, dresses? Really? I don’t know about that.”

“Trust me. You’ll be fine.”

“You guys are really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Yup, it’s not often you get a totally blank canvas to work with. Don’t worry, we won’t go crazy. If nothing else, Mom here will keep me in line.”

“Yeah, but who will keep Mom in line?”

“Don’t worry, honey,” Mom says. “We won’t go too crazy. After all you are only fourteen and incredibly new to all of this. We’ll keep things appropriate to your age.”

“I’m almost fifteen and why doesn’t that make me feel any better?”

We finish up lunch and then head on out.

This whole experience is pulling me in so many directions. It’s scary and nerve-racking yet enjoyable and exciting at the same time. It’s kinda like being on big rollercoaster ride. Yet despite how scared I am, I’m determined to at least try and make the best of this and enjoy myself.

I notice that this time we aren’t going to the mall.

“Mom, where are we going?”

“Oh, there are some nice boutiques that I thought we’d try today.”

So off we go. Things go much like they did the other day at the mall. I learn that there’s a world of difference between seeing someone in a short skirt and thinking how nice they and the skirt look and actually wearing one. I gotta tell ya, you put on a miniskirt and you become acutely aware of how exposed you really are. I’m constantly pulling on the hem and I couldn’t imagine sitting down in one. When I mention this, Mom’s reply is, “Just remember to keep your knees together, dear.”

That’s easy for her to say. I try to tell them that I really didn’t think I need a miniskirt. Ellen looks aghast and says, “But you have to have some. They’re all the style and you really do have the legs to wear them to the best effect. Plus they look hot and will keep you cool.”

“Ellen, I’m not sure ‘hot’ is the look I want to go for.”

“Trust me on this, Alex. You’ll be fine and you’ll look fabulous. You won’t wear them all the time, we’ll get you some knee and calf-length styles too. I mean, they will be more versatile, but you’ll need some minis.”

So I end up getting some miniskirts, also some knee and calf-length skirts. I get both blue and white denim skirts because according to Ellen, they’re a ‘classic’ and go with everything. Ellen also insists that I get a ‘peasant’ skirt in all three lengths and both plaid and seersucker minis.

Most of the time I don’t know what Mom and Ellen are talking about.

There is one outfit that they have me get that makes me look like Esmeralda from that Disney movie. I actually like that one. It is super-comfortable to wear.

After skirts come the shorts, and what a difference from boy shorts. I end up getting both short shorts (yeah, like I’ll really wear them, these babies are really short) and some that come to just above the knee. These come in a wide variety of styles and fabrics, too.

After the shorts come shoes. After trying on what seem like hundreds of pairs I end up getting some flats, some more sandals, some boots and some things called espadrilles. They’re basically canvas sandals and shoes with a rope sole.

Our big argument of the day comes when they both insist that I am going to need shoes and sandals that have a high heel. They keep telling me that the heels aren’t that high but I felt like they are when I try them on.

As usual I end up caving and we end up getting some called wedges. Ellen says they aren’t heels but to my mind, if they put my heel higher than my toes, they’re a heel and it really doesn’t matter what other names you call them.

Ellen looks appalled at this. Sometimes I forget that fashion is Ellen’s religion.

I do end up getting some dressier shoes that have a low heel to them for my dress up outfit.

After all of this, Mom and Ellen load me up with accessories. Mom says, “When your outfit seems a little lacking, the right accessory can pull your look together perfectly.” I’ll take her word for it. So I end up with some more belts and other assorted jewelry like some funky cuffs that they think are great and some necklaces.

Now all of the time I’m getting things, Mom and Ellen are also getting things, and as promised, Mom gets Dad some new shirts too.

When we were all done, the trunk of the car and half of the back seat is packed with shopping bags and I’m exhausted.

Mom and Ellen are chattering away in the front seat as we head back home and I just lay my head back for a second to rest a bit.

The next thing I know we’re pulling up into the garage.

I’m thinking as I lug all of my bags up to my room and start to put things away, that one good thing that has come from today is I’m now not so nervous trying on girl clothes. In fact–and this makes me pause a bit–for the most part I don’t even think of myself as dressing as a ‘girl.’ Oh, how do I say this right? I think what I mean is, it feels normal to be dressing and trying on and shopping for dresses and skirts. Oh that’s not quite right either but it’s closer.

I guess it’ll give me something else to talk to Amanda about next week. It certainly is giving me a lot to think about.

Feeling real good and wanting to show Mom and Ellen that I appreciate all of their help today, I change into a knee-length white peasant skirt with a wide brown leather belt and an olive-green tank top. Feeling particularly daring, I also wear one of the wedge espadrilles in brown. Then I put on a couple of the necklaces and go downstairs after freshening up in the bathroom.

Going into the kitchen I see that Mom has made up some of her delicious fruit smoothies and has left me a glass on the counter.

Seeing Mom and Ellen on the back patio talking, I take my glass and go to join them.

Pausing at the screen door, I take a deep breath and go on outside.

Hearing me come out, they stop talking and look over to me. Mom just cocks an eyebrow at me and gives me a smile. Ellen’s eyes look to pop out of her head and her jaw is hanging open.

She gets this huge grin on her face and says, “Quite the boho look you got going there. Good job.”

“Boho? Is that a good thing?”

“It’s short for Bohemian and it depends on how the person is doing it if it’s good or not. Some can’t pull it off, you did very well, only next time, go with just one necklace.”

“Oh, okay.”

I sit and Mom says with a smile, “You look very nice, dear. You might want to practice keeping your knees together, though.”

“Yeah, that’s going to take some getting used to,” I say as I readjust my sitting position.

“Yeah, but, Mother, did you see how Alex smoothed her skirt before she sat down? Sis, you’re a natural.”

“No I’m not. I’m just trying to remember how you and Mom act.”

“Well, I think you’re doing great. Isn’t she, Mom?”

“I have to agree with your sister there, I think you’re doing very well too. Why’d you decide to get dressed up?”

“Well, mostly as a way to show you two that I really am grateful for all you’ve done for me. I also figure that I’m going to have to get used to it sooner or later and now is as good a time as any.”

“Well I can’t speak for your sister, but I had a great deal of fun today. We’ll need to do this some more.”

“Yeah, Alex, me too. It’s been a blast.”

Dad called and said he had to work late so with the twins off with their scouting, it’s just us girls tonight. Gods it’s so weird to refer to myself that way.

Anyway, we have a lot of fun just hanging with each other and talking about clothes and styling and the various things we’ll be able to have done tomorrow at the spa. I am still a bit nervous about tomorrow but feel much better than I had before.

It’s been a long day so after dinner we all decide to call it a night. Since it felt like a special night, Mom had given me a small glass of white wine with dinner and it had relaxed me tremendously.

The folks would occasionally give us some wine on special occasions. They figure that better with them than on our own. This way they could help teach us responsibility, too.

As I finish getting ready for bed and turn out the light, I can’t help but reflect on how nice this day has been–especially considering how it had started out. With that thought, I’m soon asleep.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 24

Have you ever been trying to sleep and something keeps tickling your nose and every time you go to brush it away, you just can’t? I hate that and it was happening to me.

I’ve had a very restful night and am in the middle of a great dream. I’m flying, not in a plane, me, á  la superman, or more like supergirl I guess. It’s great. At least it is until this damn tickle on my nose popped up. Every time I think I have brushed it away, it comes back.

Wait a minute, there’s no giggling in my dream. I drag myself awake and pry one eye open. Sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a string over my face, is my sister. Ellen is trying real hard not to laugh and not succeeding very well.

Now I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned how much I love my sister. This morning I’d gladly strangle her myself.

With a growl, I pull the covers back over my head and try to recapture my dream.

No such luck. Ellen starts to shake me.

“Wakey-wakey! Rise and shine, sleepyhead. We’ve already let you sleep in. Wait much longer and it’ll be lunchtime.”

“Go away.”

“No can do, sister dear. Today’s your big day! Up and at ’em!”

“Piss off.”

“Now, now, now. Is that proper language for a young lady to use? Now get up.” With that, Ellen rips the covers off me.

“Ellen!”

“Come on! We’ve got to get moving. Here, I’ll even help. I’ll pick out what you should wear today. Also, you’ll need an outfit for when we’re done.”

“All right, all right. I’m moving! Why do I need two outfits?”

“You’re going to need something to wear after you’re all dolled up. You’re not going to want to wear your spa clothes.”

“You’re off your meds again, aren’t you?”

“Be nice. Here, put these on. You’ll want to be comfortable for today. I’ll just take this and this and this and put it in my bag for tonight. Now, get moving!”

I turn back towards Ellen to see what she’s picked out but she was already out the door.

I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. After a bit I’m finally awake enough to face the world. I finish up washing and get on out and dry off.

Back in my room, I take a look at what Ellen pulled out for me to wear. It looks like the uniform of the day will be my powder blue bra and panty set coupled with a light-blue tank top and khaki shorts and my brown leather sandals.

After dressing, I make my way downstairs and Mom and Ellen are already there. I pour myself a bowl of cereal and join them.

Ellen smiles at me and says, “She’s alive!”

“Ha, ha. Morning, Mom.”

“Morning, honey.”

“Mom, are you sure I’m not adopted?” I give Ellen a pointed stare and she sticks her tongue out at me.

Smiling, Mom says, “Quite sure. Sleep okay last night?”

“Like the proverbial dead.”

“Well eat your breakfast. We’ll leave here in about two hours.”

“Okay. Um, Mom, about this spa thing.”

“What?”

“Well, um, I’m not going to have to take off my clothes am I?”

“Your outer clothes you will. You can keep your underwear on, although you might want your bra off for the massage. It’s up to you.”

“Oh, good. I was worried there.”

Ellen says, “Instead of wearing your underwear, grab that pink bikini. It will keep you covered and the lotions and things they use won’t stain that.”

“I don’t know. That bikini is awful small.”

“Don’t worry, there’s not going to be any men about. Get it, you’ll be just fine.”

“Fine. Why do I keep letting myself get talked into these things?”

As Ellen is heading out of the kitchen she says, “I don’t know, but they do say that simple minds are easy to influence.”

Mom pulls me back down to my seat as I hear Ellen’s laughter come from the other room.

“I am so going to get her for that.”

“Finish your breakfast first. Besides, waiting for your revenge will drive her crazy.”

“Hey, it will, won’t it?”

I give Mom a big smile as I munch my Cheerios.

***

A couple of hours later we get into the car. Ellen brings out a garment bag and places it in back and I hurriedly get in the back with it.

Now normally I like to sit in the front seat whenever possible, but this time I make sure that I am sitting right behind the front passenger seat where Ellen is sitting.

Ellen is constantly looking back at me with a slightly nervous expression on her face the whole way over to the spa. I just give her a little smile whenever she looks at me.

Mom was right, this is driving her crazy. Hee-hee.

We pull up to this place and go on in. I have to tell you that the inside is far different from the outside.

Outside, it’s a rather large, plain brick building. Walking inside is like walking into a rainforest. There’s a large reception area with windows along the back that look out into an enclosed greenhouse/courtyard area, complete with pond and waterfall and birds singing and fluttering about. It all has an Asian look about it and there is low music playing that goes very well with the sounds of the waterfall and the birds from the greenhouse area.

The receptionist is a very perky girl who doesn’t look much older than me. Mom goes over and tells her who we are and before we can even sit down, a much older woman comes out to welcome us.

“Hello, my name is Jackie and you three must be the Conners’ ladies.”

“Yes,” says Mom, “I’m Sharon and these are my daughters, Ellen and Alex.”

“Welcome, ladies. I’ll be your liaison for the day. My job is to see that you have the most enjoyable experience we can provide. Now I understand that when you made your reservation, you requested that you all stay together. If you care to follow me, I will take you to one of our larger rooms and help you get started in what I am sure is to be a wonderful experience for you all.”

With that, we’re led to a large dressing room where we can change and store our stuff.

When we get to the room, Jackie continues, “Now I’m not sure if you were told, but today is a ladies-only day and therefore clothing is optional, however for the more body-conscious it is not required. We have our facilities designed to allow minimal contact between our patrons. So please feel free to dress as comfortably as you wish.

“After you have changed, please go through this door and we’ll begin with the initial body cleansing and hot soak.”

At that she leaves the room.

“Okay, girls, let’s get moving,” says Mom.

Ellen and Mom start to disrobe and I am just standing there feeling a bit stunned.

“Uh, Mom? Did she say that there were going to be naked women here and what are you guys doing?”

“We’re changing dear and you need to do the same. I suggest that you do wear the bikini you brought. It should work out the best and yes, I’m sure that we may see other women here. Just ignore them.”

“But, but–”

“Honey, it’s okay. Really.”

“But couldn’t we get in trouble? I mean, I’m a guy.”

“No, honey, you aren’t. You’re a girl, and you are doing very well presenting yourself as a girl and your sister and I are going to continue to treat you as one. Now I do think that you need to keep the bottoms of your bikini on, but I don’t see any reason why you can’t go topless, I plan to.”

“Me too, Alex. Don’t worry: you’ll be with Mom and me the whole time. Now hurry up, that hot soak sounds wonderful.”

I just stand there staring with eyes as big a dinner plates as Mom and Ellen take their clothes off and hang them in the lockers, then they pull on their bikini bottoms and then both put on light cotton robes that have been left for us.

Feeling stunned and extremely self-conscious, I start to take my clothes off. Ellen takes out my bikini from her bag and lays it on the stool for me, and then she and Mom start to talk about something and pointedly don’t look at me until I have the bikini on.

“Um, could one of you guys help me tie this?”

“Sure, sis.” I turn away from Ellen and she ties the back.

“Thanks, Ellen. Man, it feels like I’m not wearing anything in this.”

Mom hands me a robe and says, “This should help. Just try to relax and enjoy the experience and you’ll be fine.”

“I’ll try.”

After we are all ready, we open the door and it leads us down a short corridor to another door. Opening that door we’re greeted by hot humid air and what looks like either a real large tub or a small swimming pool. Along one wall are three short wooden stools and standing next to them are three young ladies in white one-piece swimsuits. Jackie is also there.

“Hello again, ladies. If you’ll come over here we can get started. This is Pam, Margo, and Terry. They’ll take your robes and give you your bath, and then you’ll move over to the soaking pool for a bit.

“When you’re done here, we’ll go back to your room for your massage. In fact, I’ll leave you in their capable hands and go see to the preparation of your room.”

Well, I get Margo and she takes my robe and has me sit on the stool in front of her. Feeling real nervous, I do as I’m told and soon she has my hair twisted up on top of my head and pinned in place then she’s rubbing my back with this big sponge full of soapy water. I look over and Ellen and Mom are getting the same treatment.

I notice that I am all hunched over with my arms covering my breasts and try to relax. It’s not the easiest thing to do with a complete stranger washing you. Mom gives me an encouraging smile and Ellen winks at me.

After being washed and rinsed from the neck down, fortunately not where the bikini covered, we are led to the soaking tub. It’s just like a hot tub but without the bubbles. Man that water is hot!

It isn’t long before the tension starts to leave me. Apparently, it can’t stand the heat.

Mom asks, “How are you holding up, Alex?”

“Okay, I guess. This is certainly different.”

“It’s a lot different from the spa I used to go to. Ellen, what do you think?”

“This is great, Mom. I can’t wait for the massage.”

Feeling thoroughly parboiled and much like I suspect a lobster does just before hitting the dinner table, we get out and Jackie leads us back to our changing room.

There we find that three massage tables have been set up side by side.

“Okay, ladies, I brought you all one of our fruit smoothies. I hope you enjoy them. In just a couple of minutes your masseuses will be here. Is there anything you need? Are you enjoying yourselves?”

All three of us say we are fine and the fruit smoothies are delicious and very refreshing after the heat of our soak.

Just as we finish, there is a soft knock at the door and Jackie escorts three ladies into the room.

“Ladies, this is Rose, Janice and you met Margo. They’ll be your masseuses. If there is anything else you need, please let them know and they’ll pass it on to me. After your massage we’ll take a break for a light lunch.”

With that, she leaves.

Margo directs me up onto the center table and gets me positioned correctly.

“Miss?” she asks, “It really will be better if you remove your top.”

Looking over at Mom, she gives me an encouraging smile and so I nervously say that it’s okay.

Margo unties the back and the neck ties and I pull my top away. Blushing furiously I put my head back down.

Soon, Margo is rubbing warm, scented oil into my back.

“Ohhhh my, that feels good,” I just can’t help saying. I hear both Mom and Ellen give a little chuckle. Soon, they too are giving out little moans of enjoyment as their massages continue.

My massage starts at my shoulders and works down my back, then down each leg to my feet. I can’t believe how great it is to have your feet massaged. Then it starts upwards again.

Occasionally I let out a little yelp of pain as Margo expertly works out all of my knots and tension. By the time she reaches my neck and head I’m sure that I have been turned into a large mass of jello. If someone yelled fire, there is no way I’d be able to move to escape.

I’m in a very pleasant, almost dream state, when Margo finishes massaging my scalp and asks me to turn over. Somehow I manage it and my massage continues along my front, releasing tension from every muscle.

When Margo is done, she covers me with a sheet as I lay there in this totally relaxed, almost dream state. I hear Margo and the other ladies leave the room.

All too soon, Ellen says, “For some reason, Mom, I think Alex liked that.”

“I think you’re right.”

I just smile as I lay there with my eyes closed. I can hear the humor in their voices.

I hear Mom and Ellen get up off their tables and know that I have to get up now, too.

Stretching and feeling better than I have in a real long time, I sit up and open my eyes. Mom is putting on her robe and Ellen already has hers on and is holding mine out to me.

I shrug it on and get up off the table and belt it around me. It’s at this moment that I realize I’m still topless. I also realize that I had turned over to get my front massaged topless too. Oh my!

I grab up my top just as Jackie knocks at the door and enters. Not wanting to take my robe off in front of her, I just stick my top in the pocket of my robe.

“So, ladies, how was your massage?”

Mom and Ellen say that theirs were great and I ask if Margo wouldn’t mind being adopted. Everyone laughs at this as Margo is older than Mom.

They think I am joking, but I’m not so sure. That massage felt great!

Jackie leads us to a small lounge area where we can have our lunch. The menu consists of mostly salads and fruits but there are also some light sandwiches as well.

I order a small chef’s salad as do Mom and Ellen.

We talk about how much we’re enjoying this and surprising myself, I really am having a good time. I mean yeah, there are some awkward moments, like getting washed or having my top off and trying to ignore the other guests that are taking advantage of it being ladies only today. But all in all, I am having a good time and it really is getting me thinking about the decision I’m going to have to make.

After lunch, Jackie explains what else is on our schedule for the remainder of our stay. First we get a facial, then the bronzing. This entails getting ourselves spray-painted then a lotion rubbed in to fix the color even more in place. After that, we get a manicure and pedicure and then our hair done, ending with a cosmetic makeover.

The facial is real strange. They rub on this smelly mud mask then leave it to dry. It feels like my face is shrinking while this thing is on. After it’s dry, they wash it all off. My skin feels great afterwards–if a little tender.

After this comes the spray-on suntan.

Not really knowing what to expect, I decide just to go with the flow. It is weird: you stand with your legs and arms out and your eyes closed and they really use a spray gun on you. Then you move to an area under some heat lamps to dry off, then you go to the next station to get lotion rubbed in everywhere, and I do mean everywhere they painted.

Mom goes first, then Ellen, and then it’s my turn. I am really nervous about this as I really don’t want to be topless but figure that making a scene by putting my top on would be worse. So, I bite the bullet and when it’s my turn I just take off my robe, close my eyes and let them spray me.

I damn near jump out of my skin when I’m first sprayed. That spray is cold! It also feels real weird to have it done.

After being sprayed, I’m led to the drying booth. I keep my eyes closed because it feels like the spray is going to run into my eyes. As a result I am quite surprised when they start to rub the lotion into my skin and really surprised when I feel it being rubbed into my breasts. But it is all done in a quite professional manner and in no time at all, we are off to get our manicures and pedicures.

The manicure and pedicure are interesting and I now have perfectly shaped nails on my hands and feet colored a dusky rose. They’re quite pretty I think, especially with my new tan.

Just as soon as we we’re done, we’re led to the hair salon part. The hair stylist starts to recommend various looks and after thinking about it, I tell her that I’d like to keep as much length as possible but other than that I’ll leave the look entirely up to her. She is extremely pleased.

“Oh, sweetie, you’ll not be sorry. I’m going to make this a surprise so I’m just going to spin you around and no peeking now. Oh what fun.”

Now what did I just get myself into?

So my stylist, Pam, starts to prep me. She says she is going to add just a bit of color for highlights, but not to worry.

Soon she is tugging and doing lord knows what with my hair. She mixes up a real foul-smelling paste that she brushes on my hair. When she’s done doing that, I’m placed under a dryer to get everything to set.

I occasionally get glimpses of Mom and Ellen. After the hair dryer and a washing and conditioning, Mom comes over briefly to see me.

“So, Mom, what do you think? Does it look okay?”

“So far, so good, but you still have the styling to go. See you soon.”

At that point, Pam goes to work with her scissors and a straight razor. After about fifteen or twenty minutes, she’s done.

“Not bad, not bad if I do say so myself,” says Pam.

“Well, spin me around, let me see.”

“Hold on, your mother and sister are just finishing up and I want them to see it too.”

Very soon, Mom and Ellen come over and all I have to say is, “Wow!” They look great. In fact, they look more like sisters than mother and daughter. Now Mom really does not look her age. She’s thirty-eight and really looks–especially with her new haircut–about twenty-eight, maybe even younger. Now I realize I might be a bit prejudiced, but Mom has always kept herself in great shape and I’m really trying to not let my bias interfere.

Both Mom and Ellen have cuts that are very closely alike. They each also have had some highlights put into their hair, and well, they look great.

“Wow you two, you guys look super. You need to tell everyone that you’re sisters, not mother and daughter.”

“Thank you, honey.”

“Thanks, sis. You look fantastic. Wow yourself!”

“Okay, Pam, they’re here, let me look.”

“Okay, sweetie, tell me what you think,” and she spins me around.

Wow. I know I’ve been saying that a lot but...wow.

Pam starts to explain what she did. “Okay then, I did a light amount of layering here in the lower ends of the hair and kept the shortest layers chin length or better. Now the rest is styled to lie over the head with an angled center part, the ends are treated to give some definition and a hint of shape to the layers and the large soft curls create a bit of a tousled and ravished look that is, I think, both sultry and innocent–perfect for a young lady like yourself. But the biggest surprise here is in the almost-hidden splash of color in this, otherwise sable, mane of yours. I gave this blue-black hair a rich, aubergine rinse that literally makes it shine in a vibrant purple wherever the light strikes it.

“Well? What do you think?”

“I, I love it. It looks beautiful. Mom, what do you think?”

“I think it’s lovely. Pam, you did a wonderful job.”

“Thank you, and thank you, Alex. It’s not often I get to do this.”

With that done, we go over for the cosmetic makeover.

Having gone through all of this before, I won’t bore you with the details, but when we are done, Mom and Ellen make me promise not to look in a mirror until after we are dressed. Sighing, I reluctantly agree.

The big surprise here though, is having my ears pierced.

Jackie then escorts us back to our dressing room so we can get dressed and leave. I am surprised that it is now about four-thirty in the afternoon.

When we get back to the dressing room, Ellen pulls a blindfold out of her bag. “Here, Alex, you need to put this on.”

“Aw, Ellen! Enough games already.”

“Please oh please. Mom and I have been working on this since we first decided to do this. Your final look just has to be a surprise. Please.”

“Oh okay.” Grumbling, I reluctantly let her put the blindfold on me.

“Hey, watch the hair.”

“Don’t worry. Okay, Mom, get out the dress. Here, Alex, here’s your underwear.”

“Um, Ellen? This isn’t my underwear. I don’t have any that feels like this.”

“You do now. Now put them on.”

So I pull off my bikini bottoms and slip on the panties. They come a lot further up my hips and really hug me. Ellen then hands me a bra and I can tell this is a new one, too. It feels like it has lace on it to match the panties and it pushes things up and together a bit more and is cut a bit lower than what I am used to.

“Okay, Alex, arms up.” Mom and Ellen work the dress over my head and down. After having it adjusted a bit, someone zips me up.

“Now sit here.” I’m led to a chair and someone puts a necklace around my neck.

“Give me your foot.” Ellen then slips some heels on my feet–real high heels.

“Hey, what’s with the heels. I told you I didn’t want anything high and these must be at least six inches. I’ll never be able to walk.”

“Oh pooh, they’re only three inches and you need them for the dress. Now sit there nicely while Mom and I finish dressing.”

While waiting for them I am trying to figure out what they dressed me in. The dress comes to just above my knees and feels real nice. It has a bit of a v-neckline and no sleeves but wide straps. Blindfolded, that is about all I can tell.

Finally, Ellen says that I can stand and she leads me over to where the mirror is and says that I can now take off the blindfold.

You’d think that at this point that I would be used to being stunned by my appearance but I’m not. Looking back at me from the mirror is a beautiful girl. My makeup is perfect with a smoky look around the eyes. The necklace is a light strand of pearls and they match the pearl studs that are in my ears. The dress is a black silk v-neck tiered dress that comes to just above the knee and the shoes are beautiful black leather open-toed pumps.

The overall look is amazing. I’m a girl, a very pretty girl at that. I finally see that.

Ellen is grinning from ear to ear. Mom asks, “Well, honey, what do you think?”

Still in awe of what has been done to me, I say, “I’m beautiful, Mom, I’m really beautiful aren’t I?”

“Yes, sweetheart, you are.” She comes and puts her arms around me and Ellen lets out a loud, “Yippee!”

I’m trying real hard not to cry. It would be a shame to ruin this wonderful makeup.

***

I’m still in a bit of a daze after seeing the ‘new’ me. I finally get my crying under control and am extremely proud that nothing got smudged. Then I really notice Mom and Ellen.

They too, are dressed up. Both are wearing very similar black dresses that come to just above the knee and are completely sleeveless. They are also both wearing a strand of pearls with pearl studs. They look lovely and even more like they are sisters.

“You two are amazing. Did you plan on looking so much alike?”

Mom says, “Not really. Everything just happened that way. We did plan on all of us wearing the pearls and the little black dresses, but that’s the extent of it.”

“Well you’re both so beautiful. Now that we’re all dressed up, what now?”

“We’re going to meet your father over at the country club and make him buy us dinner.”

Ellen says, “We’re going to absolutely blow his mind when he sees us, too.”

We all start to grin at that.

When we get out front, we are escorted out to the atrium where we all have our pictures taken. I can’t wait to show Robbyn what I look like.

We finish up and gather our things. Mom settles up with Jackie. We all thank her and promise that we’ll be back.

Soon, we’re pulling up at the country club and I am being helped out of the car by the doorman. Blushing, I take his extended hand and being real careful to swing my legs out and not flash him, I let him help me.

Walking into the main foyer of the country club, we are a sight. Heads are turning in our direction as the three of us walk towards the lounge. We have to go slowly because I’m not quite used to the heels and that only accentuates my walk. Soon, both Mom and Ellen are putting a little something extra in their walks, too.

It is all the three of us can do not to start laughing. We enter the lounge and look around for Dad. Not seeing him, we make our way over to a table to wait.

Mom pulls out her cell phone to try to track Dad down and a waitress comes over to see what we want to drink. Mom and Ellen order white wine and I ask for a Shirley Temple.

Mom finally gets hold of Dad and says that he’ll be along in a few minutes.

The waitress arrives with our drinks and when Mom goes to pay, the waitress tells her that the gentlemen at the bar have already taken care of our bill.

Looking over where she indicates, we see a distinguished-looking gentleman about Dad’s age, maybe a bit older, and two men in their twenties who look like they could be his sons.

When they see us, they raise their drinks in salute and smile. All three of us start to giggle at this. The next thing we know, the older gentleman has come over to our table.

“Excuse me ladies, I was hoping that you three would be available to join myself and my sons for a drink and possibly dinner?”

I’m turning bright red, Ellen is giggling and Mom very elegantly says, “I’m sorry, we appreciate your offer but we’re expecting someone shortly.”

“Ah, well we figured that it was too good to be true. Three beautiful ladies such as you wouldn’t be unattached. Please enjoy your drinks. Goodnight.”

He turns and goes back to the bar and starts to talk to his sons. They keep looking over at our table and all three of us have to try hard to stifle the giggles.

Ellen says, “I can’t believe that happened. Oh, I know what we can do. Alex, move to that table there and we’ll surprise Dad with your new look.”

“I don’t know, sis.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“You and your games. Oh all right.”

So I pick up my stuff and move over to the table next to ours with my back to them. I sure hope Dad gets here soon.

Mom and Ellen go on with their conversation and are keeping a lookout for Dad. The next thing I know, one of that man’s sons is at my table.

“Excuse me. I know I’m being a bit forward, but I noticed that you’re not sitting with the others you came with and was wondering if you’d like some company.”

“Oh, ah no. Um, no thank you. You see, we’re going to be surprising my father with my new look. Um, he hasn’t seen me like this before.”

“Well, how about I help? He’ll have a more difficult time noticing you if you’re with someone.” With that, he sits down across from me.

I look over at Mom and Ellen and Ellen is trying real hard not to laugh. Mom is keeping a real close eye on this guy, so I feel a whole lot better.

“By the way, my name is Brandon Perrot. May I ask yours?”

“Oh, ah, my name is Alex, Alex Conners.”

“Alex? Short for Alexandra?”

“Um, yes. Ah, Perrot, that’s French isn’t it?”

“Yes, my parents were from France. My brother and I were born here, though. Did I understand correctly, are those your sisters at the other table?”

“Well, my sister and my Mom.”

“Your mother? Amazing. My brother and I are up here from school. Please tell me that you’re unattached and even better, go to UCLA?”

“Oh! Well, no I’m not attached. I’m–”

At that moment, I hear Ellen call out, “Daddy! Over here.”

“Sorry Brandon, I’ve got to keep an ear out for my cue.”

“I understand. I’ll just make small talk and gaze at you. That’s very easy to do, you’re quite beautiful. Did you know that? I’m sure you hear that all the time. That’s great news that you’re not attached. Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.”

Brandon is smiling and even I can tell that he is a good-looking guy. I really don’t know how to react to all of this attention and finally, I hear my Dad say, “You two look absolutely amazing. Two of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Where’s Alex?”

“Je vous remercie pour l’aide, Brandon, au revoir.”* I smile at him and the surprised look on his face makes me smile more, then I stand up and taking a deep breath I turn to face my Dad.
(*“Thank you for the help, Brandon, goodbye.”)

“Hey, Dad. Surprise.” Oh boy, do I have butterflies in my stomach.

Dad looks at me for a second and I can tell that he doesn’t recognize me at first. Then his eyes widen and his eyebrows go up. “Alex? Is that you?”

“Clean up pretty good, don’t you think?”

“Um, um,” and he looks over at Brandon.

“I’m Brandon Perrot, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Brandon shakes my Father’s hand. “I was just helping Alex here with her little deception. Well if you’ll excuse me now. Alex, peut-áªtre plus tard?”* At that, Brandon takes my hand, kisses the back of it and leaves.
(*“Alex, maybe later on?”)

Mom is smiling and Ellen is saying softly, “Alex has a boyfriend, Alex has a boyfriend.” Dad just looks stunned.

“Well, Robert, what do you think?”

“Yeah, Daddy, doesn’t she look great?”

“Yes, yes h...she does. I take it all of you had fun today?”

“We did, but the girls and I are starving so let’s finish this conversation in the dining room.”

We head out of the lounge and I take a quick look back. Brandon raises his glass in salute and smiles. I give him a quick smile and walk out the door behind Ellen. Dad is giving me the strangest look.

We have a lovely dinner and when Mom and Dad order a bottle of wine to go with the meal, the waiter places a glass in front of me. Mom leans over and tells me that I can have just one glass and to take it easy.

I am really having a great time. I feel, really for the first time, that I am a beautiful girl. When Ellen and I go to the restroom to freshen up, I see a girl in the mirror, not a boy dressed as a girl.

After a lovely dessert, Mom announces that it has been too long since Dad took her dancing; therefore we are off to the dance club next door.

Before going over, Mom tells me, “Listen, if any of this gets too much, you just let us know and we’ll go home, okay?”

“Sure, Mom. This is going to be fun.”

“Not too much fun. Remember, you’re only fourteen. No more alcohol.”

“No worries, Mom.”

We go into the club and they don’t even ask for my ID. We make our way over to a small table and Mom immediately takes Dad out onto the dance floor. Ellen and I are laughing and really having a good time. Keeping my promise to Mom, I only order a soda. When Mom and Dad come back to the table, Dad grabs Ellen and takes her out for a dance.

I’ve always liked dancing and feel myself swaying to the music. Dad might be my Dad, but he is a good dancer and it is fun watching him and Ellen out on the floor.

After a bit, they come back to the table and Dad collapses in his chair saying, “You ladies are going to wear me out.”

I figure that Dad will rest up a bit and then it will be my turn. I am looking forward to dancing with my Dad as his daughter. This is turning into one of the best nights I’ve ever had.

After a bit, a slow song starts to play and Dad stands up. He reaches out and takes Mom’s hand and off they go. Oh well, maybe next dance.

Mom and Dad dance for a couple of songs, then Ellen says, “Come on, sis, let’s show them how it’s done.”

Smiling, Ellen and I go out on the floor and really have a blast. When they start to play a slow song, Ellen and I start to make our way back to the table. Just before we get there, Brandon steps up and asks me if I will dance with him.

Ellen says, “Go for it,” and winks at me. Not knowing how to refuse, I let him lead me out onto the floor.

This is the first dance I’ve ever had with a man. It is very different than with a girl. For one thing, Brandon is a big guy. He’s at least six foot four or five, so even though I’m just less than six feet in these heels, he still towers over me. He’s also very strong. I can feel the power when he holds me. I kinda feel all, oh I don’t know, I can’t explain it as I’ve never felt like this before.

For the entire dance, he is the perfect gentleman and when the music picks up again, he lets me go and doesn’t get grabby. We have one more slow dance together during which we continue our small talk and he continues to try to get my number. I keep putting him off and he is very gallant about it.

When Brandon escorts me back to the table, I notice my Dad watching us. The look on his face is hard to describe. He doesn’t look mad or anything, but I can tell that he isn’t really happy about something, either. Have I done something wrong?

I thank Brandon for the dance and tell him that perhaps we’ll see each other again but that I have to get home. I’m not feeling all that well, suddenly. When Ellen gets back to the table, I ask if she will take me home. That way Mom and Dad can continue on and have a date night.

Mom comes over and gives me a hug. “Night, honey, I hope you had a great time.”

“I did, Mom. Thank you so much for everything. It was super.”

“Good night, Dad.”

“Good night, Alex.”

“Nite, Daddy,” says Ellen.

“Good night, sweetheart.”

Once in the car, I can barely keep my eyes open. There is one thing that I have to do, though. Reaching down, I take off my heels.

“Oh god that feels good. I don’t know how you can wear these things all day long.”

“You’ll get used to it. So, you have fun?”

“Yeah, it’s been a great day. Thanks, Ellen. I really appreciate all you and Mom did for me today.”

“Hey, I enjoyed it. So what’s his name again?”

“Brandon.”

“Ah ha! So tell me.”

“What?”

“‘What?’ she says. Tell me about Brandon, you ninny.”

“Not much to tell. You know about as much as I do. I saw you dancing with his brother.”

“His brother is quite nice, tell me what you thought of Brandon.”

“Oh, let’s see. We didn’t talk all that much. The music was much too loud. I did find out that he and his brother go to UCLA. He’s a business major and his dad is an investment banker. His mother passed away several years ago. That’s about all I know. Well, except he’s a pretty good dancer, too.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t get your number.”

“Oh he tried to, but geeze, I’m only fifteen and he’s twenty. He’s far too old for me. That, and I’m not sure I like guys–at least in that way.”

“Okay, you might change your mind, though, and a five year age difference isn’t bad, that’s what Mom and Dad’s are.”

“Humm.”

I’m just kind of dozing when we finally pull into the drive. We get out and I go upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. I feel like a wet rag.

After brushing and braiding my hair, I crawl into bed. Laying there, I suddenly start to cry. I have no idea why I’m crying but I find that all of a sudden I am rather sad.

This is so weird, why am I like this? It’s probably just all the emotions being released after an emotionally-heavy day like today has been. I sure hope so.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 25

The next morning I am still in a depressed mood. I get up and throwing on a robe, I make my way downstairs for some breakfast.

Ellen is up and eating breakfast. “Wow, you look like you had a bad night. You okay?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I guess I’m just not used to days like yesterday. Maybe a good run will help.”

“Want some company?”

“You run?”

“Hey, I run. I just don’t do your obstacle course running. But if you want, I can keep you company.”

“Hmm, okay. We can leave in about an hour. Where are Mom and Dad? Aren’t they up yet?”

Giggling, Ellen says, “Well, I think they had a really good time last night–if you know what I mean.”

“What? Oh. Oh!”

“Yep, no telling when we’ll see them. Hee-hee.”

“Well, if they aren’t up by noon, we’ll either have to throw a bucket of water on them or pick up the twins ourselves.

“Oh, okay. Well I’m going to go change. See you in a bit.”

“Okay.”

I eat my breakfast and go up to my room to change. I am beginning to shake whatever blue funk I was in. I change into my running outfit and go downstairs to the gym.

I start my warm up routine and soon Ellen is there with me. As soon as our muscles are loose and warm, we go out and start our run.

After about a quarter mile, we reach the starting point that I use for my Parkour.

“Okay, sis, feel up to a little bet?”

“Like what?”

“You know that little Italian Ice shop four blocks down?”

“Sure.”

“Well, here’s the bet. I bet that I can beat you there and I won’t touch the ground until the shop. Well?”

“And I can run down here?”

“Yup, that’s the bet. I take the high road, you take the low and the loser buys the Italian Ice.”

“Hmmm. Okay, I’ll take that bet. When do we start?”

“How about now?” At that, I take a running leap and grab the lower rail of the next level of the parking garage we’re facing. Going from level to level, climbing the outside like a big ladder, I am soon at the top. I look down and there’s Ellen, looking up at me with her mouth hanging open.

“Ellen, you better hurry. You’ve given me a huge lead.”

“How’d you do that? Are you part monkey?”

Laughing, I yell down, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.” I turn and start my run.

I feel that I have a good chance of beating Ellen. It’s true that she’s on the flat, but she has to also deal with traffic lights and I don’t.

I make my way to the far side of the garage and jump up to the rail. I run along the top of the rail until I get to the corner and drop to the roof of the building next to the garage. I run across this roof and jump the wall between buildings and came up from my front roll without losing much speed.

I pick up speed now as I know I’ll need all I can get and I also need to get the timing right to make this next leap. This is the most dangerous part of the run. If I miss, it is three stories down with not a whole lot to slow my descent.

I feel good and relaxed as I let my speed build and I hit the edge perfectly. Launching myself up and out, I know that I’ll have no worries on this run.

Bringing my feet back under me, I hit the next roof, roll and am back up in no time. I make my way to the far side and up onto the service access roof and from there it is a small hop to the next parking garage.

At this point, I change my normal routine. Normally, after using the parking garage to get across the next street, I’d drop back to the store roofs. This time I want to beat Ellen so I stay on the upper level of the garage. The last half block is a level lower, so after making that easy drop it is a quick run to the edge.

Fortunately, the design of the garage creates these niches that on the outside give me a perfect three-sided chimney to make my way down.

I hit the ground just as I see Ellen round the corner. A twenty-foot dash and I am at the Italian Ice shop.

Ellen comes running up and she is really excited. “Oh my god, oh my god. You flew, I saw you fly. That was the biggest jump I’ve ever seen. How on earth did you do that? Do Mom and Dad know what you do? Do you do that all the time? Oh my god, Alex.”

“Easy, Ellen, catch your breath. You’ve known what I do on these runs.”

“Yeah, intellectually I did, but it’s entirely different seeing you do it. Alex, you flew!”

“I didn’t fly. It was just a long jump.”

“Alex, I saw you. It was, it was like amazing!”

“It was only like fifteen or so feet. Now, buy me my Ice, I want a large orange please.”

Still shaking her head in disbelief, Ellen goes and gets our Italian Ices.

Sitting at one of the sidewalk tables, we eat our Ices and I ask, “So, you want to go down to the harbor or make our way back home?”

“How can you be so blasé about all of this? You climb up that parking garage like a monkey, you fly across that street and jump from the roof on this end. Did you happen to get bit by a radioactive spider?”

Laughing I say, “First, I climb well because I have had a lot of practice and there’s a lot of handholds where we started. Second, I ‘jumped’ across an alley, not a street. Third, I did not jump from the roof, I climbed down that gap there and jumped the last eight or ten feet–no big deal.

“Now, how about we just make our way home? Going by the harbor will add a couple of miles and we should get back in case Mom and Dad can’t get the twins.”

“Okay, fine. But I still think that was pretty amazing.”

So we finish our Ices and head home. We decide to take a different way back and it leads us by the high school.

“So is that where you’re going in the fall?”

“Yeah, I guess. Mom said that I need to go in for some testing. Apparently the State requires it to see where you belong. I think she has me scheduled to do that this week.”

“Big school.”

“Yeah, oh joy.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it in no time.”

“I hope so.”

***

When Ellen and I get back to the house, there is still no sign of Mom and Dad. Ellen goes downstairs and I go up to take my shower and get dressed.

After showering, I decide to leave my hair down and dress in a pale yellow peasant skirt that comes to just above the knee and a white tank top. Slipping on my white sandals, I’m done.

Feeling very girly and liking it, I skip on downstairs to the kitchen. I’m thinking I’d repay Ellen for keeping me company by fixing us a fruit smoothie.

Everyone is in the kitchen when I get there. Mom and Ellen are talking and by the sound of it, Ellen is talking about last night. Dad is sitting at the counter huddled over his coffee.

“Morning, you two. Good to see you’re both alive. Mom, you look great this morning. Dad, you look like something the cat dragged in.”

Dad says, “Gee thanks, son.”

Mom says, “Thank you, honey. You look pretty nice, yourself.”

“Thanks, Mom. I figured that since it looks like it’s going to be a hot one today, this would be nice and cool. Does it look okay?”

“It looks just fine, honey.”

Dad finally looks up and says, “That skirt is a little short, don’t you think?”

Before I can say anything, Ellen says, “Oh, Dad, it’s not that short.”

Mom pipes in, “It’s fine, dear. Leave her alone.”

Feeling a bit hurt, I start cutting up the fruit for the smoothies. I figure I’ll make enough for everyone. This also gives me an excuse to not say anything and keep my back to everyone.

“Hey, Mom, if you want, Alex and I can go pick up the twins.”

“Thank you, Ellen, that would be nice.”

Finishing up the smoothies, I pass them around and then take mine out to the poolside.

I hear someone else follow me and Ellen comes over.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Want to talk about it?”

“No. Can we talk about something else, please?”

“Sure. What did you put in the smoothie? It’s different somehow.”

“I used some mango juice this time. Not too bad, is it?”

“I like it. Well, we’ll leave to get the twins at about eleven thirty, okay?”

“Sure, just come and get me. I’ll be ready.”

Ellen gets up and goes back inside. Soon I hear her, Mom and Dad all arguing–probably about me.

Crying, I get up and walk out the back gate. I need to be alone and I can’t get that at the house.

I wander down the street to a little park. It isn’t much but it has some nice trees and some benches to sit on. There are also some swings and I go over and sit on one of them.

I idly swing back and forth. I’m not even thinking about anything in particular. All I do is watch my tears fall.

After a bit, I’m able to stop and figure that I’d better get back home before someone starts to worry.

I come back in the front door and I can actually feel the tension in the air. I’m not sure what all went on while I was gone, but I know it was all about me and Dad’s reaction to me.

Before I can even climb up the stairs to my room, I hear Dad call me into the study.

“Alex, could you come in here please?”

Grabbing some tissue, I wipe my eyes and go to the study. Dad is alone there and he looks decidedly uncomfortable. I just stand in the doorway looking at him.

“Um, son, er, Alex, I want to apologize for upsetting you about how you were dressed.”

I just stand there in disbelief. “My clothes? You think this is about how I’m dressed?”

“Well I–”

“Dad, you can barely look at me. I know all of this makes you uncomfortable but if you think you’re uncomfortable, you ought to see things from my side of the fence.”

“Yes, well I’m sure–”

“No, Dad. Stop. I know this is all a disappointment to you and I do realize that it’s hard to get used to but I’m not your son. I’m not a boy. I’m not a girl either and that makes this even harder. I’m trying to find out what I am. Now over the past couple of days I’ve really kinda felt like maybe I was a girl, you know? Like maybe that was what I am. I don’t know but I need to find out for sure.”

“Well son, I–”

“Damn it, Dad, just listen to yourself!” I say with tears running down my face. “You can’t seem to refer to me as anything but ‘son’ and it’s making you uncomfortable to think of me as NOT your son. But look at me. LOOK.” I whip off my top and bra.

“Dad, this body isn’t a boy’s body.” Whipping off my skirt and panties, I say, “and this isn’t a girl’s body either. It’s both and neither and I know, I’m just a fucking freak and I’m so sorry. I just want to get through this and I don’t know how. I’m so sorry, Dad.”

I turn and run out of the study and up to my room. Mom is coming down the stairs and sees me naked, running and crying.

“Alex? Wait, what happened?”

But I run past her and throw myself onto my bed, weeping like I’ll never be able to stop.

At some point, I must have passed out because when I come to, I’m covered and someone is sitting on the bed with me.

Opening my rather sore eyes, I see that it’s Mom.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, sweetie. Feeling any better?”

“Surprisingly, I do. I feel a lot better. Oh god. I swore at Dad. I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Don’t worry about it, honey. He needed it. Just don’t make it a habit. Okay?”

“Sure, Mom.” We give each other a little smile.

“Your father and I had a long talk and he is very sorry. I expect he’ll want to apologize to you when he gets back. He loves you very much, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just hard enough trying to deal with all the cra…stuff going on in my own head, I just can’t handle anything else. He’s not mad, is he?”

“No, sweetie, at least not at you. I suspect he’s rather mad at himself, though.”

“Mom? Do you think I could just...?”

“What, honey?”

“Well, do you think I could just go ahead and have the operation to get rid of my penis?”

“Oh, honey, why are you asking?”

“Mom, I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I hate being on the fence like this and I figured that I make a better-looking girl than boy and well, they could just chop it off. I wouldn’t have to worry about all this anymore.”

“Sweetheart, I really don’t think that would be a good enough reason. You need to decide who you are and how you want to spend the rest of your life. Having the operation because you don’t want to make that decision isn’t going to be good enough. That doesn’t even make sense really. This decision needs to be made for the right reasons, not the wrong. You’ll need to decide at some point, then we’ll make it happen. You’ll know when that time comes. Okay?”

“Okay, Mom. Well at least this will all give me something to talk to Amanda about tomorrow. What time is it anyway?”

“Just a bit after eleven.”

“Oh, I’d better get up, Ellen and I need to leave to collect the twins, soon.”

“Don’t worry about that, honey, I can go get them.”

“No, Mom, it’s okay. I’d like to go. Let Ellen know I’ll be right down. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart.” Mom leans down and kisses me on the forehead then leaves.

Getting up, I go into the bathroom and wash my face. It’s still a bit splotchy so I put on a bit of makeup so I’ll at least be presentable.

Back in my room, I notice that someone, probably Mom, has brought up the clothes I ripped off. I still can’t believe I did that.

Ripped is an apt term too, as both the panty and bra are torn. Crap.

I grab another pair and quickly dress. After brushing all the knots from my hair, I go downstairs to see if Ellen is ready.

Part 26

Journal Entry: April 22^nd

Okay, so the last few days have been absolutely crazy. The spa that we went to was da bomb! I got to tell you that at first I was sooo scared but no one even gave me a second look and soon it wasn’t so bad. Anyway, I think the best part was getting the massage. Oh me oh my, that was divine. Afterwards I felt like melted butter.

Mom and Ellen kept my final look a surprise by not letting me see myself until they were all done dolling me up. When they finally let me look at myself, I almost fainted again! I looked HOT!

For the first time since this whole roller coaster ride started, I saw a girl in the mirror, not a boy dressing as a girl. Girl hell, I looked like I was Ellen’s age.

Speaking of Ellen, she and Mom, well all I can say is, “Hubba hubba.” They looked terrific and totally like sisters, not mother and daughter.

We all were dressed in these little black dresses and pearls and went to meet Dad at the country club. While we were waiting for Dad to show up you’ll never believe what happened: this guy and his two sons bought all of our drinks. Oh my god, they were hitting on us! Is that wild or what?

It gets better. Ellen wanted to surprise Dad with how I looked, so I sat at a table next to ours with my back to it. Well, while I was waiting, one of the sons came over and joined me! If Mom hadn’t been right at the next table, I would have run screaming from the room.

This guy’s name is Brandon and he’s tall, about 6’5” or so and I’ve got to admit he’s good looking and real nice. Now it’s not like I noticed how broad his shoulders were or how nice his smile was or anything, it’s just anyone could tell he’s one handsome guy.

So anyway, Brandon is keeping me company until Dad arrives and he’s really laying on the charm and I’m so embarrassed with him telling me he thought I was pretty and all. Thank goodness the lighting was kind of low as I’m sure I was turning bright red.

When Dad showed up Brandon gallantly departed after, wait for it, kissing my hand! Dad’s eyes nearly popped out of his head and I’m not sure if it was because of how I looked or because of Brandon.

After dinner we went over to the club for some dancing and again, it was tons of fun. Brandon and his brother showed up and Brandon kept dancing with me and his brother kept dancing with Ellen.

During the last slow dance, Brandon held me closer than he had before and I just felt so small next to him. As I said, Brandon is a big guy and he has a real broad chest and wide shoulders and I could feel the strength in his arms as he held me. It was all so weird, I mean at first I was like totally nervous, but soon I was relaxing and just enjoying myself. I felt, oh I don’t know, I’ve never felt like I did when we had that last slow dance so I don’t know how to describe it.

Anyway, it’s not like anything could happen anyhow, I’m just fifteen and he’s twenty, and despite his persistence I did NOT give him my phone number. Gods, Mom and Dad would freak if a boy started to call me–might be fun to see their reaction though. Tee-hee.

Okay, now on to the serious stuff. I got into it with Dad today. You see, Dad’s been acting real weird since this whole thing started with me. I mean he has been supportive and all but he keeps giving me these odd looks and always stammers out how to address me and well, just making this whole thing a lot harder. It has seemed that he was disappointed in me or something.

Well, Ellen and I went for a little run today and after we got back I got dressed in this cute skirt and a tank top. So I go downstairs and Dad’s comment on seeing me is, “That skirt is a little short.” Geeze, if he thinks this is short, wait until he sees me in one of the miniskirts!

Anyway, I’m hurt and pissed off and just need to get away and so I go and sit out back. Mom and Ellen start arguing with Dad, obviously about me and I book it. I go to the park down the street and I’m surprised I don’t get run over as I’m crying so much I can see hardly anything.

Once I calmed down I went back home and Dad called me into his office. Well the short of it is he thought I was upset about the clothes comment and I just snapped. I swore at him and told him that I didn’t know what I was and him treating me the way he was wasn’t helping and then I ripped off my clothes and ran from the room! I can’t believe I did that.

Things have calmed down now, at least I hope so. Mom says Dad’s sorry. I haven’t seen him yet, he’s been working.

So that’s what has been happening. I’ll write more later.

End Journal Entry

***

On Monday, I went up with Ellen to San Francisco so I could meet with Amanda.

“Good morning, Alex.”

“Hello, Amanda.”

“Have a seat. You’re looking very nice today. That’s a very nice outfit.”

“Thanks. It’s still hard to get used to wearing a skirt, especially one that is this short.”

“Well, you look quite nice.”

“Yeah, but looks can be deceiving.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, Amanda, I just don’t think I can do this!”

“What, exactly?”

“Well, you know...this whole being a girl thing. I, I just don’t, I don’t feel like a girl. I, I feel like I always have.”

“How is that?”

“Well, you know...like I have all my life.”

“Okay then, tell me something. How is it supposed to feel to be a female?”

“That’s just it, I don’t know. That’s why I don’t think I can do this.”

“Okay, then tell me what being a male feels like.”

“Well, um, it’s like...well, you know.”

“No I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“Well it’s, um...oh hell, I can’t put it into words.”

“Okay, we’ll get back to that in a minute. Tell me something. It has seemed to me that you’ve actually enjoyed the last couple of weeks. Have you really?”

“Well, yeah I have. I mean it’s been kinda crazy at times and all but, yeah, it’s been fun. I just don’t know if I can be a girl though and I’ve tried, I’ve really tried.”

“Well ultimately, you are the only one that can make that choice, Alex. But think on this. I can’t tell you what it’s like to be female, nor can your sister, nor your mother, and your father can’t tell you what it is like to be male. No one can.

“Oh sure, we can cite things like how we dress or act or even how we emote in a given situation. But none of that will tell you what it is like to be a male or a female. How I perceive my femaleness can be, and probably is, very different from how your mother or sister perceive their femaleness.

“Your perception of your gender is just that, YOUR perception. How you view yourself is uniquely yours, it isn’t mine or anyone else’s. What makes me female is the way I see myself, in my mind and in my heart and it can’t be properly described. It would be like trying to describe the color blue to someone who has been blind from birth. This is true of everyone.

“Many people mistakenly believe that gender is tied to the physical but that just isn’t true. In my work, I deal every day with men born in the physical body of a woman and women born in the physical body of a man. Their true gender is tied to their psyche, not to their physical body.

“Now ultimately they may choose to try to alter the physical to conform more to their self-perception, and that could be anything from how they wear their hair to full sexual reassignment surgery. Yet some may never make any physical changes but they are as female as I am or as male as your father because that is how they perceive themselves.

“Alex, you will need to decide what is right for you, what you feel comfortable with.”

“But shouldn’t I feel different?”

“Good lord, why? You are still you. Nothing about what makes Alex ‘Alex’ is different or will change. You are just trying to figure out how you will present yourself to the rest of the world, and more importantly, how you perceive yourself. The point of all of this is to figure out what is the most comfortable ‘persona’ for you. We’re not trying to change your personality.”

“But...well I still don’t think I can be a girl.”

“Why?”

“Well, um if I’m a girl, then, um, shouldn’t I, well you know, like boys?”

“Why?”

“What? Well, because girls like boys, that’s why.”

“Says who?”

“Well...”

“Alex, listen. You are fourteen, almost fifteen years old. At your age, you are just beginning to explore and develop your sexual identity. Right now, you’re showing an increased interest in girls. Okay, fine. You might also develop an interest in boys along with or instead of girls. That’s okay too, and it’s only natural.

“Your sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with your gender identity.”

“Really? I’m not a freak or anything?”

“No, you’re not a freak, just a healthy teenager trying to figure out your place in the whole scheme of things, and all in all, you’re doing a remarkably good job of it, too.

“Listen. This whole process is to try to help you find your comfort zone–what YOU are most comfortable living as.

“This is going to be a scary process and you are going to have some understandable anxiety from time to time. That’s why I’m here, to help you through those times.

“Does all of that make sense?”

“Yeah, yes it does. Thank you.”

“Good. Now last week we were talking about...”

***

After my appointment I have to hang around a bit before Mom can be by to pick me up and then we are going to go to the school so I can do the testing that is required by the State before they can place me in a grade.

I sure hope I don’t screw it up and end up placed back in kindergarten.

Amanda and I talked about what happened with Dad. He and I still have not been able to talk. Yesterday Dad got called into work and by time he got back, I was asleep.

Mom did say that he was really sorry and to make sure that I knew he wasn’t trying to avoid me.

This morning he was already gone by time I got downstairs.

The session with Amanda went well. I think I understand a bit better what Dad has been going through and Amanda was able to help me refocus on myself.

There’s a small park not too far from Amanda’s office that I told Mom I’d be at. I go there and take out my sketchbook. There is a great view of the ocean from there.

I have the sketch almost done when Mom pulls up and honks the horn. I grab my stuff and hop in the car.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, sweetie. Been waiting long?”

“No. Just long enough for one sketch.”

“Well we’ve got to hustle, we need to be at the school in forty-five minutes. Afraid there won’t be time to grab some lunch.”

“That’s okay. I’ve got some granola bars here and my iced tea. I’ll be fine.”

“Have a good session?”

“Yeah, Amanda is real good at helping me put things into perspective. Oh, Amanda said that I might get a benefit out of meditation. Can we look into finding someone who can train me how to do that?”

“Sure. That shouldn’t be a problem. Let me think on it.”

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I eat my granola bars and drink my tea while we listen to the music on the radio.

We pull into the school visitor lot and go on in. We must have timed it right between classes because there are a ton of kids in the halls. Kids are rushing everywhere, others are huddled in groups in the hall so everyone has to go around them and the noise is incredible–hundreds of voices talking all at once. I am so not going to have a good time here.

We make it to the administration offices and shortly after the principal comes out to meet with us.

The principal, Mr. Santiago, leads us back to his office.

“Mrs. Conners, it is a pleasure to meet you. This must be your daughter, Alex.”

Mr. Santiago indicates that we should sit, and then he goes behind his desk.

“I see that you’ll be turning fifteen soon, Alex.” Looking intently at me he says, “Remarkable, oh and happy birthday.”

“Um, thank you, sir.”

“Well, Mrs. Conners, Alex’s test results are certainly impressive, but the State of California requires that all new students be tested for placement. Is Alex prepared to take these tests today?”

“That’s why we’re here.”

“Splendid. The full tests take about one-and-a-half to two hours, maximum. Alex, if you’ll follow me, we’ll get you started at the lab. Ms. Henderson will monitor you.”

“Oh, okay. Mom, I can walk home when I’m done. There’s no need to wait.”

“You sure, honey?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Not really, but I can’t tell her that.

“Okay, I’ll see you home in a bit.”

I follow Mr. Santiago out into the chaos of the halls and we make our way up and down stairs and around corners until it feels like he is deliberately trying to get me lost–if so, I think it worked.

Finally we arrive at a door marked ‘Computer Lab’ and go in. There I am introduced to Ms. Henderson, a pleasant middle-aged woman.

Ms. Henderson has me take a seat at a computer monitor up front and sets up the testing program. There are other kids in the class and they are all checking me out. It is really making me nervous.

We get everything set up and I get started and soon I have everything but the test blocked out. About an hour later, I finish up and tell Ms. Henderson I am through.

“Since you finished so fast, you might want to go back through the test to double-check your work.”

“Yes, ma’am. I already did that. I think I’m all done now.”

“Very well.” She gets up, comes over and does the final sign-out then tells me I’m free to go, but I should stop back into the office and tell Mr. Santiago before I leave.

I thank her, gather my things and leave.

I only get lost a few times trying to get back to the main office. One of the times, I am going around a corner and there are a bunch of boys there and they keep trying to hit on me. Not really knowing how to deal with something like this, I just keep quiet. This apparently is not the correct response. They keep getting more and more aggressive and won’t let me by. Finally, a teacher comes along and I am able to get away and get directions to the office.

Mr. Santiago doesn’t have anything else for me so I head on home. I really am not looking forward to going to that school next year.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson

 

---

 

Part 27

“Alex.”

“Hey, Dad.” I was downstairs watching television when Dad came in.

Dad sat next to me on the couch and said, “I’m sorry Alex, I’m truly sorry for making this harder for you than it needs to be. Please understand that I love you, I love you very much. I let my own issues cloud how I treated you and I’m sorry that I let that happen.

“I can’t say it won’t happen again, but I’ll certainly do my best not to let it happen. If I do, just let me know. Some of the stuff I was doing, I really wasn’t aware of. Can you forgive me?”

“Oh, Dad!” I gave him a huge hug. “I’m sorry for all the drama, I guess I kinda snapped.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. I gave you plenty of reasons. Listen, I’d like to make it up to you. Tomorrow and Wednesday I’ve got to be down in San Diego for some business. Would you like to come with me? It’ll mean flying down there in a helicopter.”

“Really? I wouldn’t be in the way or anything?”

“Really. We’ll just tell everyone that you’re my administrative assistant.” Dad was smiling and I hugged him again.

“That’ll be great, Dad. I’d love to go.”

“Hey, it’ll be our first father-daughter outing.”

“Oh, Dad. Oh no! I’ve got to go see Ellen. I only have one nice outfit for business: maybe I can borrow something from her.”

“Tell you what, have her take you out and get a second one, then. I can’t have my assistant wearing the same thing two days in a row.”

Laughing, I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Dad.” I then dash off to find Ellen.

I run downstairs and tell Ellen what is going on.

“So, can you run me to the mall? Please?”

“Oh, I suppose so.”

Just as we’re heading out the door, Dad calls out, “Hey girls, family meeting tonight at nine. Make sure you’re home for it.”

“Okay, Dad,” we both call out as out the door we go.

When we’re in the car and backing out of the drive, I realize how Dad had addressed us. It makes me feel real good.

***

Ellen and I dash off to the mall. After checking several stores, we settle on getting me a nice navy-blue suit. The skirt comes to just above the knee and the blouse is a lovely Egyptian cotton button down with navy pearl buttons. The jacket is a well-tailored single breasted and the whole outfit looks rather nice.

After getting that, Ellen leads me over to get some new shoes.

“Ellen, I already have shoes. Why on earth do I need more?”

“Sis, trust me, you can never have too many shoes. What you have just isn’t right for a business outfit. Now try these on. They’re a Mary Jane pump with a two inch heel and they’ll be perfect. They’ll work with your business outfits or even with jeans.”

I slip them on and they’re remarkably comfortable. I have to keep up my image though and say, “I don’t know, sis. Why do I have to get heels?”

“’Cause this will look better. Flats are all right but the heels will give you that added little oomph.”

“Well, if you say so.”

“I do, now how do those feel?”

“Not too bad.”

“Cool. Let’s get those then we can get a quick bite to eat and then go home for the family meeting. Oh, we need to stop and get you some hose too. Pantyhose would probably be the better choice for now. We’ll get you graduated up to stockings at some point.”

“Great. Oh well, I suppose that this is all part of the learning experience.”

“That’s the spirit!”

We finish up our shopping and after a quick bite to eat we head back home.

***

We get back from the mall in plenty of time and Ellen and I are upstairs figuring out what I need to bring for this trip when Dad calls for us to come downstairs.

Everyone is already in the family room when Ellen and I get there. The twins are playing something on the Wii and when Ellen and I sit down, Mom reaches over and shuts it off.

“Oh, Mom! I had Mark beat that time.”

“You two can play again tomorrow, now take a seat. Your father and I have an announcement to make.”

Dad stands up and says, “Kids, for the last twenty years I’ve worked for the government. For the last couple of years that’s been in the Department of Energy.

“That’s one of the reasons we’ve moved around so much. Well, your mother and I have been talking and we’ve decided that we’re tired of living like gypsies and we need to settle down.

“What all that means is tomorrow and Wednesday I’m going to be meeting with the top brass at a private company where we hope to finalize the terms of my employment. Since this affects all of us, your mother and I wanted to tell you what was going on.”

“So is our trip off then?” I ask.

“No, honey, this is what the trip is for. The company will be flying us down to the corporate office for the final negotiations.”

Bill pipes in, “Alex is going with you? I want to go.”

“Me too,” says Mark.

“No, this trip will be just for me and Alex.”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” they both say at the same time.

Mom says, “You heard your father, besides, you have a bunch of schoolwork you need to finish up if you plan on going to that scout jamboree this summer.”

That shuts them up quickly. They’ve been talking about this jamboree for ages.

“So, Dad, what will you be doing for this company?” asks Ellen.

“Well, the company is called Northern Lights Industries and they are one of the leading alternative energy research groups out there. They want me to lead their R&D division.”

That’s usually how our family meetings are, short and sweet. The folks just like to keep us in the loop on what is happening.

“Alex?”

“Yes, Dad?”

“The car will be here around eight tomorrow morning. You have everything you’ll need?”

“I think so. Ellen and I just finished up packing before we came downstairs. I’ll have Mom double-check things before I close everything up.”

“Great. Now, don’t be up too late, we’re going to have a busy day tomorrow.”

“I won’t, Dad. Nite. Mom, could you come upstairs when you have a sec?”

“I’ll be up in a minute, honey.”

Shortly after, Mom comes up and together we go through what Ellen and I have packed. Mom suggests that I should bring my swimsuit as there should be a pool at the hotel and I might want to take a swim. So I grab my one-piece and pack that and close up the case.

“Mom, Dad said he was going to tell everyone I was his assistant. Was he just kidding me?”

“Maybe just a bit, but I think he really will want you to help him with a few things. I’m glad you’re going to be there, too.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, your father is genius in his field, but when it comes down to negotiating his compensation he’s like a fish out of water. What I’d like from you is if you see that they start talking about dollar figures, you make sure that your father gets me on the line. Will you do that?”

“Sure thing, Mom. You can count on me.”

“I know I can, sweetheart. Now get into bed, you’re going to have an early start tomorrow.”

“Okay, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”

***

Journal Entry: April 26^th

This is going to be a quick entry because I need to get to bed, but guess what? Dad totally apologized to me and I think our little fight may have actually helped things. It brought some issues out to the open and we’re now dealing with them.

Also, Dad is leaving government work. Wow, he’s been doing that forever. So Dad is looking to go work for this new company and from what I heard they really want him. Anyway, Dad will be going down to this company’s corporate headquarters in San Diego tomorrow and Thursday and he’s taking me! I’m going to be his assistant. Dad said it will be our first father and daughter outing and I almost broke into tears when he said it, too. He really is trying.

Now the super-cool thing is the company is flying us down there in their helicopter! I’ve never been in one and I am so excited!

Well, I’m off to bed.

End Journal Entry

***

The next morning I have no trouble getting up when Mom knocks on my door. Given how excited I am about this trip, I’m surprised at how fast I fell asleep last night. I quickly get up and throw on my robe and go downstairs for breakfast.

Mom and Dad are both in the kitchen when I get downstairs. I immediately pour myself a glass of juice and put an English muffin in the toaster.

“Morning, Dad.”

“Morning, honey. The car will be here in about an hour.”

“I’ll be ready, Dad.”

I quickly eat and down my juice then run up to take my shower. An hour! Geeze I hope I can do it!

I take a quick shower and I’m real proud that I didn’t cut my legs once. Then the long process of drying my hair begins. Damn, this hair takes forever to dry. With that done, I’m applying my makeup when Mom comes in.

“Hey, sweetie, doing okay?”

“Yeah, I just hope I don’t mess up and ruin things for Dad.”

“Don’t worry, honey, you won’t. Would you like me to put your hair in a French braid for you?”

“Oh would you? That would be great. Thanks, Mom.”

“Well, as soon as you’re done with your makeup, come out here and I’ll do it. It won’t take long.”

So I finish up with my makeup and go back into my room. Mom has already taken out a bra and panty set for me as well as my hose.

“Come over here and sit. It won’t take but a minute to braid your hair.”

“I can do a regular braid easy enough; I just can’t do a French braid.”

“Oh, it isn’t much different, but it is easier doing it on someone else than yourself.”

I try to relax as Mom brushes then braids my hair.

“There, all done.”

I look in the mirror and it looks perfect.

I give Mom a hug. “Thanks, Mom, you’re the best.”

“Anytime, sweetheart, now finish up dressing. The car will be here soon.”

I take off my robe and slip on the panties and bra. Then I put on the nylons. Now this is a whole new experience for me. Nylons feel real weird on. Not bad, but certainly different. I do like how my legs look and feel in them, though.

I finish dressing then make sure I have everything for our trip. I grab my overnight bag and my purse and get downstairs just as the car pulls up outside.

Dad takes my bag and tells me to hurry, but Mom stops me and hands me a black soft-bound briefcase.

“Here you go, honey. A good assistant needs to be well equipped.”

“Thanks, Mom, you’re the best.”

I give her a quick kiss and dash out the door.

The driver is just finishing up putting our bags in the trunk and then he goes and opens my door.

The car is a Lincoln Towncar and the interior is real posh. The seats are leather and almost too soft, as I kept feeling like I’m going to fall backwards–not something I really want to do wearing a skirt.

Dad is busy reading over some papers and I take the time to open up the case that Mom gave me.

Inside is a legal pad and Mom has written me a note on it. ‘Honey, have fun and enjoy your trip. The only real thing you have to do as your father’s assistant is to make sure that he doesn’t sign anything before calling me. You being there will take a load off my mind. If you need me, there’s a cell phone in the side pocket. Love, Mom.’

I have to giggle at her note. My Dad is one of the smartest people I know and she makes it sound like he can’t even tie his own shoes by himself.

In almost no time, we’re at the airport, but instead of going to the main terminal, we pull up to a small building nearby. There are a bunch of small planes and helicopters around and I can feel my excitement at riding in one growing.

The driver stops and opens my door. In my excitement, I almost flash him as I swing my legs out. Fortunately, I catch myself. As it is, I’m blushing as I get out of the car. My Dad comes around and we go into the small building while the driver follows with our luggage.

The inside of the building is like a waiting room and I stay by the bags while Dad checks in at the counter. Almost immediately, this guy comes out of a back room to greet us, take our bags and lead us back outside through another door.

We walk up to this absolutely beautiful blue helicopter. I can’t believe how big it is. Waiting by the open door is this lady wearing a very nice navy-blue pant suit. When we get closer, she steps forward to greet us.

“Hello, Mr. Conners, my name is Bridget Parker and I will be your pilot for our trip to San Diego.”

“Pleased to meet you, Ms. Parker, this is my assistant and my daughter, Alex.”

Bridget shakes my hand and says, “Very nice to meet you. If you’ll both climb aboard we can get you settled and take off.”

We climb aboard and Bridget tells us we can sit anywhere we would like. We end up sitting in the two forward-facing bucket seats. These seats are super-comfortable.

Bridget starts her obviously prepared speech. “Okay now, first things first. If you’ll have a seat, I’ll show you how your seatbelts work. Meanwhile, once we take off and reach our cruising altitude, we should be in San Diego in about two and a half hours. We’ll be flying at approximately two thousand feet and at a speed of around a hundred and sixty-five knots, that comes to be about a hundred and ninety miles per hour.”

She goes on with her safety speech and gets us comfortable. I’m almost beside myself with excitement and I guess it clearly shows.

Bridget says, “First time in a helicopter?”

“Yes, this is just so cool.”

Chuckling she replies, “It sure is. If you’d like to listen in on the flight conversations I have with the towers, just put these headphones on and move this switch to here.

“Now the two of you just sit back and relax and we’ll be down in ’Diego in no time.”

With that, she leaves the cabin and closes the door. Immediately all the airport noise disappears.

I see her climb in the cockpit and buckle up. I put on the headphones and listen in as she starts the engine and begin her take-off conversation with the tower.

I’m really surprised at how quiet it is in the cabin. I always thought that the noise in a helicopter was so loud you couldn’t think, but this is no worse than being in a regular airplane–far cooler, though.

Soon enough we’re flying south and I am trying to look everywhere at once. We’re out over the water and the land is on Dad’s side and I have the entire Pacific Ocean on my side.

I can see into the cockpit through the partition and I avidly watch Bridget as she pilots us. I’m convinced that this is the best way to travel. Your view is amazing from up here and I just can’t get enough.

***

All too soon, and it certainly doesn’t feel like it has been two and a half hours, we’re landing at this pad on top of a building.

After the engine is shut down, Bridget opens the door and we are introduced to another lady.

“Mr. Conners, I think you know Susanne, Mr. Dorney’s executive assistant. Susanne, this is Mr. Conners’ assistant, Alex.”

We all say our hellos and follow Susanne inside.

Now that I don’t have the excitement of flying to keep me occupied, I am beginning to wonder just why I’m here and what I can do that won’t be in the way.

We’re escorted to a conference room and told that Mr. Dorney will be with us soon. Susanne asks if she can get us anything and I suddenly realize that I really need to use the restroom.

Susanne shows me where it is and after doing my business and freshening up my makeup, I go back to the conference room.

I decide that since Dad is introducing me as his assistant, then by golly I’m going to act like one. When I get back to the room, I open my briefcase and take out my pad and pens. If nothing else, I can take detailed notes for Dad.

I finally have a use for the shorthand that Mom insisted that all of us learn. She said that it would come in handy and she was right. The twins are learning it now and hating it, just like I hated to learn it, too.

I get everything set up where I am going to sit just as three men enter the room and greet Dad. One is Mr. Dorney and the other two are the vice-president of marketing and sales, a Mr. Danbridge and the vice-president of personnel, a Mrs. Wilk.

“Well, Robert,” says Mr. Dorney, “I thought that we’d start off on your requirements and we can put to rest these last final issues, then we can have a quick lunch and set the final figures on your compensation package. Sound okay to you?”

“That will work fine, Mr. Dorney.”

“Please, I told you it’s Richard.”

I’m busy writing down everything and blessing my mother every chance I get. After about an hour, it is decided to break for lunch. They have some food catered and then they were going to talk dollars it seems to me.

I go up to Dad and say, “Excuse me, sir. If there is a terminal I can use, I can get the morning notes typed up before negotiations continue.”

Dad has a slight smile on his face and he turns to Mr. Dorney and says, “Richard, is there somewhere my assistant could type up the morning’s notes?”

“Well, I don’t see why Susanne couldn’t do that, just give them to her.”

I say, “I’m afraid that she’d have a difficult time reading my writing, sir.”

“Well go see her, she’ll get you all set up.”

I thank him and step out. Susanne’s office is just around the corner and at my knock and explanation, she leads me over to a desk with a terminal.

“Here you go, love. Anything else you need?”

“No thank you, I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

While the computer is booting up, I get out Mom’s cell phone and give her a call.

Susanne is right nearby and not really wanting to have her hear what I’m saying, I think I’ll put on an act and hope Mom catches on.

Mom answers on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Ciao, Signora. Mi aveva chiesto di chiamarti quando siamo arrivati vicino.”
(“Hello, Ma’am. You wanted me to call you when we were getting close.”)

“What? Oh! Si, grazie per aver chiamato me. Potete portatlo a darmi un invito per favore?”
(“Yes, thank you for calling me. Can you get him to give me a call please?”)

“Potrebbe essere piá¹ facile per voi a chiamarlo. Egli ᨠavalible ora.”
(“It might be easier for you to call him. He is available now.”)

“Grazie, a voi e non sei il furbo? Arrivederci.”
(“Thank you, and aren’t you the clever one? Goodbye.”)

“Ciao.”

I hang up and feeling rather pleased with myself, I quickly type up the notes I have made. When I’m done, I ask Susanne where I can print them to. She helps me and I print up five copies and return to the conference room. Dad is on his cell and when I come into the room he turns and gives me a wink. I pass out the notes and ask that if there need to be any corrections, to please let me know.

After getting all of that done, I don’t get a chance to eat so I just grab a soda and resume my role as note taker.

Susanne comes in and gives Mr. Dorney some paperwork and then Dad gets off the phone.

“Richard, before we get into the compensation package, I’d like to get my wife on the phone. Her job is finance and since I’d want to discuss this with her anyway, we could save time by just conferencing her in now.”

Mr. Dorney gives me a penetrating stare and smiles. “Fine, Robert, that would be just fine.”

I get up and dial Mom’s office phone and put it on speaker.

I never have heard this type of negotiation before and it is certainly an eye-opener for me. Mom seems to be one tough negotiator and the figures they are discussing: well I can hardly believe what I’m hearing. We’re going to be rich, real rich by the sound of it.

About three hours later, we’re done and my hand is about to fall off from all of the writing I’ve done. They’re going to take a tour around the complex and although that might be interesting, I beg off so I can type up the notes before we’re completely through.

With that done, I save a copy to my flash drive and tell Susanne that she can have the one on the computer for their records if she wants. I again make copies and when Mr. Dorney and Dad return, I give Dad his.

“Robert, it’s going to be great having you on this team and you be sure to tell your wife that she can have a job here anytime she wants. That woman is a wicked negotiator.” Turning to me he says, “And I understand that you’re not only his assistant but his daughter as well.”

Blushing, I say, “Yes sir.”

“I also have it on good authority that you actually speak Italian?”

“Um, yes, sir.”

Dad proudly adds, “Not only Italian, but French, Spanish and what else?”

“Ah, a little Greek, too.”

Mr. Dorney starts laughing. “Robert, I am so glad I convinced you to work with us, I’d never survive it if you and your family went to work for one of our competitors. It’s clear to me now that I got a bargain after all. I not only got you, but a bit of your wife and daughter as well.”

Turning back to me he asks, “How about you? Want a job?”

“Oh, ah no thank you, sir. I need to finish school first.”

“Well the offer will be open when you’re done. Susanne, is their car here?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Great, then I’ll let you two get settled and we’ll see you tonight.”

***

Susanne escorts us out to the car and tells us that our bags have already been delivered to the hotel and we are already checked into our rooms.

The drive to the hotel goes by without Dad and I saying anything. We are smiling at each other an awful lot, though.

We arrive at the hotel and I am blown away. The place is called the US Grant and it looks like a palace. There’s someone from the hotel waiting for us when we pull up and we’re quickly shown to our room.

I’m truly surprised my eyes don’t dry up into itty-bitty raisins because I don’t think I’ve blinked. This place is amazing and our room–suite really–is huge. The bedroom has two king-sized beds in it and room enough for a third. The bathroom, well what can I say about that except I want one. And if I ever get one, I’ll never leave it. The shower alone is huge, like ten feet square and I counted, it has six showerheads. I can also do laps in the tub: it’s so big.

“Dad, can we afford a place like this?”

“First, the company is paying for it and even if they weren’t, after today we could. Not for long, but we could.

“I didn’t want to say anything at the company and not in front of the driver, but I just have to tell you now how so very proud I am of you. You were absolutely marvellous today.”

“Thanks, Dad. I’m not sure I did all that much but I did have fun.”

“Well I think you did great. Speaking Italian to your mother, you are too much. Well, dinner is probably going to be rather boring for you. It’s just going to be a bunch of the senior people. You’re more than welcome, but if you don’t want to go, you can order anything here at the hotel, I’m sure they have a pool if you want to go for a swim and as my way of saying thank you, they do provide an in-suite spa treatment. What shall it be?”

“Um, well, if you’re not going to need me tonight...” I have thoughts of another massage going through my head.

Dad laughs and says, “Well, I’m going to give your mother a call and then get ready. Why don’t you check out what services they have and that you’d like to try?”

I go over to the desk and open up the large leather binder that the hotel provides regarding all of their services and turn to the spa section. It turns out that there isn’t a pool after all, but the spa treatments look nice. If Dad says it’s okay, I think I’ll get a massage or a pedicure and another manicure.

Dad comes back out and asks what I have decided on.

“Well, maybe a massage or a pedicure and manicure?”

“As I said, you were great today, how about both?”

“Really?”

“Why not? If you want to go change, I’ll call down for you and set it up. I want to make sure that there won’t be an issue charging it to the room.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

I go and give him a quick hug and then go and try out that shower.

***

The shower is fantastic, although when you get all six showerheads going, if you aren’t careful you’re in serious danger of drowning.

The hotel also provides these super-plush, super-soft robes, so after putting on a fresh pair of panties I slip into one and go out to see when Dad is going to leave.

When I get out to the main room, Dad is there watching two ladies set up a massage table–oh goodie.

“There you are, sweetheart. They had an opening right away. Is that okay?”

“Sure thing, Dad, the timing is perfect.”

“Great. I’m going to go finish getting ready and I’ll leave you. Now after this, you be sure to get some dinner.”

“I will, Dad.”

I go over to the massage table and apparently I’m going to get everything done at once. That should be interesting.

One of the ladies directs me up onto the table and I realize that again I’m going to have to be topless. I quickly drop my robe and lay face down on the table.

The other lady comes over and opens a case that has a ton of different colored nail polish in it. Wanting to be a bit different this time, I choose a pale lavender that I think will be nice.

Soon, my muscles are being expertly wrung out, pounded and kneaded into submission and it feels wonderful.

The other lady is working on my hands and I tell her at one point that I’m trying to let my nails grow but I do wish that my nails were a bit longer.

After my back is finished I’m in no state to care so when prompted I roll over to have my front massaged and my pedicure done.

A bit over an hour later they’re done. You’d think that a posh place like this wouldn’t have thieves, but I swear one or both stole every bone in my body. I don’t think I minded too much.

When I try to get up though, I nearly put out my eye: apparently our discussion on my desire for longer nails was taken as a request and they gave me a full set of what are called solar nails. They look great, they’re hard as diamonds and I feel like I can open cans with them without a can-opener. They’re just long enough, as well. Too much longer and I’d be afraid of opening a vein with one.

After they pack up their things, I put on my Esmeralda outfit and order room service and turn on the TV to one of the cable music channels. This is going to be the perfect time for me to do some hard thinking and I plan on making the best of it.

***

I have a wonderful steak salad for dinner, and then settle back on the couch to listen to the music and think.

I wake up and feel a bit disoriented until I figure out where I am. Apparently I nodded off at some point and someone put me into one of the beds. I sure hope it was Dad.

I look over at the other bed and although it has been slept in, it is now empty. I get up and stumble my way into the bathroom. A very rumpled Esmeralda greets me from the mirror. I look like Quasimodo used me to ring the bells.

I quickly do my business and go out to see if Dad is around.

“Morning, honey, sleep well?”

“Morning, Dad, yeah, I slept great. I don’t remember you coming in. Please tell me you are the one who put me in bed.”

“No, no it wasn’t me. Of course the bellboy was just leaving when I got back so maybe it was him?”

At my look, Dad starts to laugh. “No, honey, I’m just kidding. I carried you in to bed, although you looked mighty comfy on the couch.”

“You’re mean. Yeah, that couch is way comfy. So, what’s the schedule for today?”

“Well, we got everything we needed to get done accomplished yesterday, in no small part thanks to you, so we’ll go back over to the offices and pick up some paperwork then we’ll catch the helicopter for home. We should get back a bit after lunch. Sound good?”

“Great, I’ll just go get dressed then we can get some breakfast.”

I go back into the bedroom and pull out my new outfit from the closet. I go into the bathroom and strip to my panties and proceed to wash then makeup my face and try to tame my hair. Not being real good at doing a French braid, I try to put my hair up in what Mom calls a chignon. A couple of hairpins later and by golly, that looks pretty darn good.

I gather up my stuff and go back out to finish dressing. One of the last things I put on is my pantyhose. Although they make my legs look great and they do feel nice, by the end of the day yesterday I was getting rather warm and uncomfortable in them. With dressing done and my bag packed, I go back out and Dad and I go downstairs for breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, the car is there to take us back to the company. When we get there, we’re escorted by Susanne back up to Mr. Dorney’s office.

“Well, Robert, Alex, it’s been a real pleasure and I know this is going to be a great relationship for all of us. We’re all family here and I know you and your family will fit right in.

“Alex, Chá¡rika gia ti gnorimá­a. Boy I hope I just said that it was a pleasure meeting you.”

“Oh, sas efcharistá³, ká½rie, ki egá³ to á­dio. Ah, thank you, sir, me too.”

At this, Mr. Dorney starts laughing again. “I didn’t understand a word you just said. Hopefully you didn’t call me a crazy old man for testing you like I just did. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“Robert, your daughter is a treasure. You’re a lucky man.”

“Yes I am, a very lucky man.”

“Alex, I wasn’t joking, you finish school and you’ve got a job here. You’re one smart young lady.”

“Thank you, sir. Dad, I’ll just take our cases up to the pad and make sure all is ready with the helicopter if that’s okay?”

I think Dad could tell that was just an excuse for me to check out the helicopter again.

“That’s fine, Alex; I’ll be right up there.”

“Well, sir, it was a pleasure meeting you. Antá­o. Goodbye.”

Well, Mr. Dorney starts chuckling again and I grab our cases and go on up to the helipad.

***

I get up to the helipad and our pilot Bridget Parker is out walking around the helicopter. I go on out and I feel my excitement start to build again.

“Hello, Miss Parker, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Hi there. Alex, isn’t it?”

“Yes, ma’am. My Dad will be up in just a few minutes. I decided to come on up with the bags.”

“Call me Bridget. Here, let me store them. You seemed pretty excited on the ride down here, care for the nickel tour?”

“That would be so cool, yes please.”

So Bridget starts to show me around the helicopter, and then has me get into the front seat.

“Okay, so there are only three main controls you use to fly one of these. There’s the Cyclic here between your knees, the Collective down here on your left side and the Rudder that is controlled by the pedals down here.”

Dad comes up at that point and is listening in.

“Wow, I can’t believe that you can actually get paid for flying one of these. You have to have one of the best jobs around.”

“Well I certainly think so. Say, if it’s okay with your dad, would you like to fly back from up here?”

I look over at Dad and I’m pleading with my eyes as much as I can. It must have worked because he said okay.

“All right!”

“Great, we’ll get you buckled up then get your dad settled then we can be off.”

We take off and if I thought that the view from the passenger compartment was great, it is nothing to the view from up front. It is so cool and I just know that I need to learn how to fly.

I chat with Bridget the whole way up and at one point she lets me follow her on the controls. That’s where I lightly hold onto the controls so I can feel how she does things.

I’m so excited that I damned near pee myself. I can’t wait until we get home and I can tell Ellen and Mom about all of this.

 

---

 

Part 28

As soon as we get home and in the door, I gave Mom a big hug and kiss then dash downstairs to see Ellen.

I open the downstairs door and call out, “Hey, Ellen, you’ll never guess what I did.”

Halfway into the room I finally notice that Ellen has company, a tall guy with long curly blond hair and wearing an extremely loud tie-dyed shirt, jean shorts and sandals.

“Oh I’m sorry, Ellen: I didn’t realize you had company. I’ll leave you. Come get me when you have some time, I want to tell you about our trip.”

“Wait, Alex, it’s okay,” says Ellen. “This is a friend of mine from school.”

“Well I really don’t want to intrude and I need to change anyway, so catch me later, okay?”

“I’ll come with you. Monkey, get another drink and we’ll be right back down.”

Monkey?

Ellen follows me back upstairs and I ask, “Did I just hear you call that guy a monkey?”

“No, you heard me call him Monkey, that’s his name.”

“His parents hated him, right?”

Giggling she replies, “No, his real name is Mike Keys and over time it all got morphed into Monkey. It fits him, too. He’s a nice guy–if a bit weird.”

I giggle at that and pause in the front hallway to grab my overnight bag and head upstairs.

“He’s here to talk to you.”

“Me? What on earth for?”

“Well, he’s in the film department and we were talking and I was telling him about the run we had the other day and he needs to do his senior project and wants to film you doing your run.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. I think it would be cool to film what you do.”

“I don’t know, sis, I don’t know how comfortable I’d be having that done.”

“Will you at least talk to him? He’s real nice and like I said, it might be fun.”

“Well, okay. Let me finish changing and we’ll go talk with him.”

So I change into some shorts and a tank top and we head back downstairs.

“Hey, Monkey, this is my sister Alex. Alex, this is my friend Monkey.”

“Hey, Monkey.”

“Peace. Did your sis tell you what the scene is?”

“What?”

“Yes, Monkey, I did. You might want to fill in the details, though.”

“Groovy. Well your sis was telling me what a bitchin’ run you do, like across the roofs and all. Well, I got to think’n’ that your Parkour stuff could be a far out piece for me to do for my senior study, ya dig? So would you like be hip with that?”

I just stand there baffled. I think I only caught about a third of what he just said.

In a stage whisper, I say to Ellen, “It’s like he’s trying to communicate with me. I see his lips move but I don’t understand a word he’s saying.”

Ellen laughs and says, “Okay, Monkey, easy on the hippie surfer speak. Not everyone gets it, ya dig? Alex, he just said he wants to film you doing your Parkour run.”

“Sorry, babe. Your sister is right. I’d like to get several cameras along your route to capture as many angles as I can. If we do this right, it’ll look better than any you can find on the Internet and with the right theme, it’ll work for my senior project. So, ya willing?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I don’t know about being watched and filmed and I’m also not sure if I’m good enough for what you want.”

“Are you kidding, sis? You’re fantastic. Come on, you can do it.”

“When would you want to do this?”

“Babe, I could do this tomorrow if you’re willing.”

I pace back and forth thinking this out. Ellen is kind of pleading with her eyes and as strange as Monkey is and how he speaks, he really seems to be a nice guy.

“Okay, I’ll do it, but on two conditions. First, I get a finished and an unedited copy of all the film for myself.” Holding up and showing him the backs of my hands I say, “And second, I just got these babies done, and if I break a nail doing this, you pay to fix it. Deal?”

Ellen starts to laugh and Monkey just gives me a huge grin and says, “You’re a far out chick, it’s a deal.”

“Groovy, I’ll see you tomorrow morning then. I’m going to go see Mom and tell her about my trip. See ya, Monkey.”

“Bye.”

“I’ll be up later, Alex; I want to hear about your trip, too.”

***

Journal Entry: April 29^th

Oh my stars, where do I start? The last few days have been absolutely crazy. I’ve been doing some heavy thinking and well there’s just been so much going on.

Okay, I’ll save the heavy thinking part ’til later. First, I think the last time I mentioned that Dad was going to take me on his trip down to San Diego. We got back this afternoon and was it ever a blast.

We flew down there in the company helicopter and the pilot is this lady named Bridget Parker and is she ever so cool. The flight down was great. The view is amazing from a helicopter and the ride home was even better. As I said, Bridget is way cool. She learned to fly in the military and she was telling me all about it. Anyway, on the way back home, she let me ride up front with her! At one point, she let me hold the controls and we basically maneuvered the helicopter together. She said she thought I had what it takes to make a good pilot and I’m going to see what it would take to learn to fly, maybe I could get lessons for my birthday. Wouldn’t that be something?

Okay, so we get down to the corporate offices and I’m being Dad’s assistant and all. So we meet the head of the company and some other VP’s and Dad starts to discuss all of what it will take to get him to work for them and I’m taking notes like crazy ’cus that’s what an assistant does. Anyway, we break for lunch and I go to the boss’s assistant so I can get somewhere to type up all my notes.

While I’m waiting for everything to get ready, I call Mom to tell her that they are going to talk money and to make sure that I’m not overheard, I speak Italian to her. It was funny how later Dad’s new boss mentions that he knows I speak Italian and all, so it turns out that I did the right thing I guess.

Anyway, Dad was super-sweet and started to brag about all the languages I speak and his boss offers me a job! Is that wild or what? Anyhow, I told him that I needed to finish school first, but thanks anyway. What a hoot!

Okay, so now to some of the thinking I did while I was down there. See, Dad went out to dinner with all the bigwigs and I stayed at the hotel. While he was off to dinner in a stuffy suit and making nice to the big guys, I was getting a massage, pedicure and a manicure. I definitely got the better of the deal.

Now I know you’re saying, “Why, Alex, you’re certainly getting into this whole girl thing aren’t you?” You’d be right in saying that, too. You see, while Dad was gone and after I had been pampered to the limit, I sat back, turned on some tunes and did some serious thinking on my whole situation. Wanna know what I came up with? Well, too bad. Nah, just kidding, I’ve really been thinking about this a lot lately and I think I really am a girl. Isn’t that just the funniest thing?

In thinking back to how I feel when I’m dressed and acting as a girl and comparing that to when I’ve dressed and tried to be a boy–well I’ve always been happier as a girl. You know, ‘acting’ isn’t the right word to use, you see, I’m not acting when I’m in girl-mode. That seems to be the real me.

As a boy, I could hardly stand being out in public or in crowds, I mean they seriously would freak me out, but as a girl, even though I still really don’t like crowds, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much. Plus, I’ve been thinking about what everyone has mentioned. They’ve said that I appear happier as a girl rather than a boy. I don’t just appear that way, really thinking about it, I discovered that I am happier that way, this way, whatever. I am happier.

This is quite the revelation for me. I can’t wait talk to Amanda about this.

Now onto something that was totally embarrassing for me but I’m sure will crack you up. Dad and I got back around lunchtime and I tear downstairs to talk to Ellen. Turns out she has company, some guy from school by the name of Monkey. Go ahead and laugh, I sure did. Anyway, Monkey wants to film me doing Parkour so we’ll be doing that tomorrow morning before I go see Dr. Martin.

That’s not the embarrassing thing. No, what happened is I go upstairs to talk to Mom and she tells me that she’ll hear about everything later but she has to run. Dad had taken off for his office. Ellen then took off to show Monkey the Parkour route I use and to take him home.

Now with the twins off doing their thing, I suddenly have the whole house to myself and will for the next few hours. I also realize that I have yet to use the pool. There’s just been too much crap going on. So, I go up to my room to put my suit on and then I start to think on what Ellen said. She said that the pink bikini would be great to wear here at home for sunbathing. Since I’m all alone, I figure, why not and put it on. I grab my towel and head out to take a dip and replenish my vitamin D.

I feel almost naked lying back in this little suit. I’m enjoying the warmth of the sun and all is right with the world. I must be a bit more tired than I expecte ’cause I doze off. Now I know what you’re thinking. Oh dear, Alex fell asleep and is now red as a lobster. God, I wish that was the problem.

No, I’m off in la-la land when I’m awakened by the sound of many voices whispering and finally someone saying, ‘Damn, Mark, your sister is smokin’ hot.’

My eyes fly open and I see that I’m surrounded by a bunch of scouts staring at me. Oh gods! Well, they scared the crap out of me, I can tell you. I squeal, “EEKK!” and they all jump back about a foot. I grab my towel and hurriedly wrap it about me and head for the kitchen.

Mom is there and says, “Who just screamed?”

I reply, “It was me, I woke up and found a bunch of pubescent boys drooling all over me!”

Mom starts to laugh and I head to my room. I am so going to get my sister. ‘Get the bikini,’ she says. ‘Who will see you in it?’ she says. ‘Our yard is private,’ she says. ‘You’ll thank me later,’ she says. Yeah, right. Crap. I know that at least half of the little perverts were working on their camping merit badges judging from all the little tents I saw. Eeww!

Told you you’d think it was funny.

So I go back up into my room and change into my one-piece ’cause damn it, I will finish with my planned swim. I get back downstairs only to find that the pool is totally taken over by all these boys.

“Mom, what are they doing here?”

“Well, the pool they normally use has had to close unexpectedly and I said they could use ours. They’re doing their water rescue testing for their Red Cross certification and their merit badges. Since moving that to another day would have messed up a lot of people’s schedules, I said they could use our pool.”

“But Mom, this is the first chance I’ve had to swim and now it’s full of yelling kids.”

“They won’t be here that long. You can deal with it, just stay at the other end of the pool.”

“Ugh, this is so unfair.” I go on out to sit in the shallow end. I don’t really want to be out here with them but by now it’s the principle of the thing. I will not be driven from here.

So I’m sitting in the shallow end watching them and their scout leader is talking to Bill and Mark. Well they come over and ask, “Alex, can you do us a favor?”

“I am not dating anyone, just forget it.”

“Oh no...”

“...that’s not it.”

“We need one...”

“...more person...”

“...to make the...”

“...training easier...”

“...so will you come help out?”

“I wish you two would stop that. Now again, and this time just Bill, what do you need?”

“Well, it’s a whole lot easier if we pair up but right now we have an odd number so could you help us? Please?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh come on, pretty please?”

“We’ll do your dinner chores for you for the rest of the month. Pretty please?”

“I’m going to regret this, but okay.”

“Great, sis.”

“Thanks, sis.”

So I go over and immediately all these boys start to volunteer to be my partner. I quickly inform them that Bill is my partner and no trading.

It turns out to be kinda interesting. One creepy thing is when Bill and I have to practice mouth-to-mouth in the water but in the end I end up with a Red Cross card, too.

Hmmm. I thinks that’s it for now. I need to get some sleep because I’m doing that run for Monkey tomorrow and after that Mom and I are going up to see Dr. Martin for the latest test results. I’m real eager to see what the scan showed. I can tell you one thing, if they want to do another one: they’re going to have to catch me first.

End Journal Entry

Part 29

The next morning I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. Gads I’m tired. If nothing else this run ought to wake me up.

As I’m rinsing my hair, Ellen knocks on the door and sticks her head in.

“Hey there.”

“Morning, Ellen. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay, but Monkey was wondering if you’d wear your hair down for the run. That okay?”

“Well, I like it back in a ponytail so it stays out of my way.”

“Would a headband work too?”

Turning off the water I reply, “I suppose so, but it’s going to be a few more minutes ’cause I’ll need to dry it.”

“Okay, I’ll wait for you in your room.”

I wrap up in a towel and start the long process of blow-drying my hair. When I’m done, I go into my room and there’s Ellen sitting on my bed.

“Hey, Alex, I figured you might need another running outfit so I picked this up. Why not use it today?”

“Okay, I guess.”

Ellen hands me shorts that are very much like my other running shorts. They’re dark blue but instead of white stripes on the sides, these have a row of stars on each side. The top is a red tank top with gold edging.

I get dressed and we go downstairs for breakfast. Mom is at the kitchen counter reading the paper and drinking her coffee.

“Morning, Mom.”

“Good morning, you two. You look nice this morning, Alex. Is that new?”

“Thanks, Mom. Yeah, Ellen got this for me.”

“It’s very nice. You two off to help your friend, Ellen?”

“Yeah, we’re going to meet him in a few. He’s getting the cameras set up right now.”

“Well it’s nice of you two to help him. Alex, don’t forget that we meet with Dr. Martin right after lunch. Make sure you’re back here by eleven-thirty.”

“I remember. I should be back in plenty of time.”

Ellen and I finish up our breakfast, say goodbye to Mom and head downstairs to warm up. With that done, we jog on over to the start of my run where we’ll meet Monkey.

With Monkey are two other guys. Monkey introduces them as Walt and Frank. They don’t really say much and Walt seems really taken with Ellen, he can’t seem to take his eyes off of her and that gets me to giggle a bit.

“What are you giggling about?” Ellen asks.

“Oh nothing. Hey, Monkey, you ready?”

“Hey, babe, we’re in the groove. How about you, you ready to get down with this?”

“Any time you are, so how do you want to do this?”

“Well, babe, I was thinkin’ that we’d do it in stages, dig?”

“I’ll dig if you ease up on the talk.”

“Groovy. Well first, tell me about your run. Your sis explained it but I want to get the picture from you, too.”

“Well first I go up here then...”

I proceed to map out each section and Monkey begins to direct where he wants the cameras. When all is set up about thirty minutes later, he yells down to me.

“Okay, babe, any time you’re ready.”

“Ellen, I forgot something for my hair. Do you have anything? Also can you hand me my bag please?”

“Here you go.”

Ellen hands me a wide golden-yellow headband and my bag. I slip the headband on and take some spray out of my bag and start to apply it to my hands.

Ellen asks, “What are you doing?”

“It’s liquid bandage and it’ll help protect my hands on the climb. Okay, I’m ready.”

I’ve been keeping warmed up so I raise my arms for our signal to start shooting. Gathering myself, I am determined that I am going to make this as spectacular as I can for him. I begin my run and start my climb up the outside of the garage.

I get a good head of steam up before reaching the garage and I go up the outside like a bullet. When I get up top, I have to stop while they re-set the cameras.

Monkey comes up and says, “Oh, babe, that was so far out! This is going to be so wild.”

So we proceed to do the run in stages. When we get to the jump across the alley, I’m a tad nervous. Normally I’m really in a groove by this point. This time I’m not because we keep stopping and starting. Also, all of the stopping and starting is getting me more tired, faster.

When all is set up and I feel that I’m ready, I hit the roof and build my speed up fast. I can tell I’m a bit off and to make sure I hit the roof edge right, I kick in a bit more speed and adjust my stride. My foot plants right at the edge and I launch myself with everything I have in me. I hold my layout position as long as possible and finally hit, tuck and come up into a forward handspring. Wow, that was a good one!

When we’re at the last scene, where I come down the outside of the other garage, I figure we’d go out with a flare. Given how the route down is, I know I won’t need to use my hands all that much, only to keep my balance. If I hit my marks right, it will almost look like an uninterrupted fall down the face of the building. Of course, if I don’t, well, I’ll probably break both legs again–if I’m lucky that is.

I get in position and the adrenalin pumping through me is incredible. I raise my arms...and drop. My feet hit their marks and I count them off. One, two, three, four and collapse at the knees on five then spring back hard, twist and land! A beautiful layout backflip with a half-twist! I land in a crouch and I’m breathing hard but I feel incredible.

I hold my landing and finally Monkey shouts, “Cut!”

I’m still breathing hard and I feel like I can fly home, man that’s a rush! Everyone is cheering: even some people who have gathered to watch the filming are clapping and cheering. Ellen is beside herself and babbling how great she thought it was and Monkey keeps saying “Right on!” over and over.

Ellen has an orange Italian Ice waiting for me and it feels so nice going down. Since it’s a bit past ten, we tell Monkey that we’ll catch him later. I need to get back home so I can get ready for my doctor’s appointment.

“Groovy. This was so far out. I’ll stop by tonight with a rough cut. I want to start putting things together right away. This is so going to get me acing my final! Thanks, Alex.”

“I enjoyed it, Monkey. Let me know if we need to re-shoot anything.”

“I will. Later, babe. Later, other babe.”

Laughing, Ellen and I start our walk home.

***

When Ellen and I get home, Ellen goes downstairs and I go to let Mom know that we’re back.

“So how’d it go? You all have fun?”

“It went great and I did have a lot of fun. I’m exhausted, though and wringing wet so I’m going to take a quick shower then grab a bite to eat, then we can go. Okay?”

“We’ve got time, honey, just don’t dawdle too much.”

Smiling, I turn and go upstairs to get cleaned up.

When I’m in my room and beginning to undress, I look at myself in the mirror. Something about how I look is tickling my brain somehow. Oh well, I usually wear my hair in a braid, maybe that’s it.

I start to pull my tank top and sports bra off and get about halfway and realize I can’t get them any further. My arms are pointing straight up and I realize that because I’m so sweaty and so tight, my clothes are really sticking to me. I struggle a bit more and now my head is covered and now I really can’t get the tops off. Unfortunately, I can’t pull them down now, either. Crap.

The only way out is to get help. Going to the door I bend down and fumble around and finally get my hand on the doorknob. Praying that my brothers aren’t around, I open it up and call out.

“Mom, Ellen! Could someone come up here and give me a hand please?”

“Alex, were you calling me?”

“Yeah, Mom, can you come in here and give me a hand?”

“What’s wrong? Oh my…”

“Mom, stop laughing. This is serious, I’m really stuck here.”

“Here, honey, hold still a sec.”

Mom leaves after helping me. She is still laughing.

After my epic battle with the bra creatures from the Planet Spandex, I need this shower even more.

In the shower, I let the water pound on me. Thank goodness for decent water pressure. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me for the abuse I put them through but I still feel great. When I go downstairs, a couple of Advil will cure the aches and pains.

With the shower done, I dress in a pair of khaki shorts and a sleeveless white button-down blouse. Slipping on my sandals, I go downstairs to get something to eat.

Once my stomach is happy and I’ve put the Advil to work, I go tell Mom that I’m ready anytime she is.

It’s close enough to the time we need to leave anyway, so she decides that we might as well go now.

Once at Dr. Martin’s office we don’t have too long to wait until we’re shown back to see her.

“Hello, Alex, you look very nice today. Hello, Sharon.”

“Hello, Dr. Martin, thank you.”

“Hello, Helen.”

“Why don’t you two sit here on the couch and we’ll go over the results. I brought in this model so you can visualize things a bit better.”

“Well, Alex, I’m sure you’re anxious for the results. The ultrasound we did turned up beautiful images. The images really are textbook perfect. Let me just bring them up and I’ll show you your insides.”

Dr. Martin presses some buttons on a remote and an image appears on the TV screen next to the couch.

“Okay then, it’s time for Dr. Martin’s anatomy class. Here are the images from your ultrasound. I want to point out everything and you can compare your pictures to this model.

“First, as you may know, the female reproductive system contains two main parts: an internal portion and an external portion. If you look here, this is your right ovary and here is your left one. These faint lines here and here are the fallopian tubes and they lead from your ovaries to the uterus, which is here. Here is your cervix and this section is your vagina. That makes up the internal part.

“Now because of your PIV, you don’t have the external part, or at least all of it and not in the proper form. If you recall, I mentioned the last time you were here that the progestin that your mother was given while she was carrying you verilized your genitals. It fused your labia and closed the entrance to your vagina and it also developed an almost complete phallus around your clitoris and urethra. The tissue of your fused labia is what looks like your scrotum.

“Also, we do not yet know to what extent the progestin damaged your internal organs. It is possible that no damage occurred, however, it is also possible that damage did occur. We just won’t know until we can get in there and take a close look at everything.

“But despite the PIV and the damage to your body, you are physically a female. Questions?”

I have been following Dr. Martin’s descriptions by comparing the images on the screen to the model in front of me.

“So I’m really not a boy?”

“Physically, no you’re not.”

Mom asks, “What’s next Helen?”

“First, Alex have you been getting stomach pains? Any sign of cramping in your lower abdominal area?”

“Well, yeah, a couple of times. Why?”

“How often and when was the last time?”

“Gee, I’m not really sure. I think the last time was when we were unpacking from the move. That was when Mom?”

“It was March 23rd. Alex has had these cramps fairly regularly too. Doctor, do you think...?”

“And it’s the thirtieth of April now. It’s possible. If so, she’s late.”

“What are you two talking about? I’m late for what?”

Doctor Martin continues, “Alex, I think that the stomach pains you’ve been having may be the result of your menstrual cycle. If I’m correct, we will need to operate as soon as possible. If I’m not correct, and you haven’t started your period yet, we’ll still need to operate soon anyway for when your cycle does start.

“Now I really don’t think I’m wrong in this. These pictures are very good and they show that you do appear have a healthy uterus in all respects.”

I’m absolutely floored. Me have a uterus? The thought make me slightly queasy.

Mom asks, “When do we need to get this done?”

“ASAP. I’m going to start to make some calls and try to get you in on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. If, and this is extremely important, if you feel any discomfort, any pain at all, we’ll need to move. I don’t want to alarm you too much, but without a way to discharge, a heavy menstrual cycle could cause you some serious damage. I can only assume that if you have experienced cycles already that they have been relatively light and your body reabsorbed the discharge.

“I’m sorry Alex. I know you’ve been trying to decide the gender issue and I wish we could postpone this but the need is just too great.”

To say I’m stunned would be a massive understatement. “Doctor, that’s okay. I guess I really need to do some hard thinking now, don’t I? I kinda think I already know, but I need to talk with Amanda a bit and I’d like to have a family powwow first. Will that mess things up?”

“Not at all. If you decide to stay as a girl, we can arrange for the cosmetic surgery to fix the outside. There isn’t a rush on that part. The immediate need is to just make sure that there is a way for your body to discharge.”

Mom and Dr. Martin continue to talk but I don’t hear them. I’m too busy trying to process everything that I have just been told.

 

---

 

Part 30

I’m really quiet on the way back home and after assuring Mom that I’m okay, I just stare out the window thinking.

Thank goodness that it’s Friday. Amanda doesn’t have any in-office appointments on Friday afternoons. She likes to keep the time open for emergencies. Hopefully this qualifies.

As soon as we get to the house, I grab the phone and head up to my room. I sure hope Amanda isn’t in the middle of something.

She isn’t and for the next hour we talk things through. It isn’t as good as being in her office, but I’m sure glad I can go over everything with her. She really is good at helping me sort my thoughts out.

A couple of hours later, I hear a soft knocking at my door.

“It’s open.”

Mom sticks her head in and asks, “May I come in?”

“Sure thing. I think I’m finally done.” I put down my sketchbook and pastel chalk that I have been working with.

“You doing okay, honey?” Mom comes over and sits next to me on my bed.

“Yeah, I talked to Amanda for about an hour, and then I needed to do some thinking so I’ve just been doing some art.”

“What are you working on?”

“You know that self-portrait that I’ve been trying to do for the past six months? Well, I’ve completed it. Wanna see it?”

At her nod, I hand her my sketchpad.

“I finally figured out what was causing me the trouble with that, why I could never draw myself. Once I did, I had no trouble completing it. This is who I am, Mom.”

Mom opens up the pad. “Oh, honey. Are you sure, I mean really, really sure?”

“Yes I am, Mom, this is what I am. I know that now.”

“It’s beautiful, honey. I love you so much, baby.”

With that, we embrace and quietly cry in each other’s arms. After a bit, we settle down and are just sitting on the bed, holding each other’s hands.

“So, Mom, do you think everyone will be okay with this?”

“I know they will, honey. May I have this? I want have it framed.”

“Sure thing, Mom. Um, do you think that when I get the operation that they’ll be able to make me, you know, look normal? I guess that’s my biggest worry right now. Well, actually getting an operation is probably number one, but looking normal is a real close second.”

“Yes, honey, I’m sure they can. We’ll make sure that you get the best plastic surgeon we can, honey.”

“Great. Um, when can we tell everyone else?”

“Well, I think we need to tell your father right away, but your announcement to the boys will have to be tomorrow. The boys are out tonight. I suppose you can tell Ellen whenever you want to. Okay?”

“Sure. Is Dad home yet?”

“Yep, want to tell him now?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why, but I’m awful nervous about this.”

“Don’t be, sweetie; he’s going to be just as happy as I am once he’s sure that this is really what you want.”

***

Mom and I go down to Dad’s office and Dad waves us in as he finishes up a phone call. Mom and I go in and sit on the loveseat.

“Well, to what do I owe the honor of this visit? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”

“Alex has something she needs to tell you, honey.”

Dad turns and looks at me.

“Um, well Dad, I’ve been thinking, you know about the decision that I need to make. Well, I’ve really been thinking on this and I’ve talked to Amanda about it, and well you see Dad, I, um I’m a girl. I know that now. I want to have the doctors fix things so I’m fully a girl, you know, the operation.”

“You sure, sweetheart? This is something that you want, not what you think anyone else wants for you? This is what will make you happy?”

“Oh, Daddy, I don’t know if it will make me happy, I just know that it’s right, that this is who and what I am. It’s so hard to explain, but as a boy, it’s like everything has been slightly out of focus. As a girl, everything is clear and sharp. Will this make me happy? I don’t know, but I do know I can’t BE happy any other way. This will at least give me the chance.”

Dad comes over and pulls me into a hug.

“You haven’t called me ‘Daddy’ since you were little. Okay then, if this is truly what you want and is going to give you the best chance at happiness, then we’ll make arrangements to get things taken care of.

“We’ll talk to Dr. Martin and Dr. Rivera and see what their opinion is and if they can make some recommendations as to some good plastic surgeons and well, we’ll get you all fixed up, honey.”

“Thank you, Dad, thank you so much. I love you guys.”

***

After our little emotional group hug, I go back upstairs feeling better than I have in a very long time. It’s almost like my feet don’t even touch the ground, I feel that good.

Back in my room, I change into my two-piece swimsuit. I figure that I can get in some quality swim time before dinner.

I really love having a pool and even more so, one with a diving board. I’m practicing my diving, doing flips and twists. I move from doing a half gainer up to a one-and-a-half gainer, then start practicing my inward dives. These are a bit more nerve-racking as I always think I’m going to hit the board, but I think they look the best, especially the inward pike.

After doing my diving, I just float back and enjoy the water. At least I am until a large splash almost drowns me. Sputtering from the water that hits my face, I’m twisting around trying to find the offender when someone suddenly grabs my ankles and pulls me under.

I come up sputtering to find Ellen grinning impishly at me. With a growl I’m after her and soon we’re both squealing and laughing as we each try to get the better of the other.

When we’re both exhausted, we climb out and collapse in the loungers.

“Ellen, you’re a brat, but it was fun.”

“Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.”

“You’re not really sorry, are you?”

“Hmm, nope, not really. Oh before I forget, Monkey called and he’s going to stop by after dinner. He’s put all of the footage he shot on a DVD and wants to show it to us. He says this is the first part of the payment he owes you so there won’t be any editing on this.”

“Cool, I can’t wait. It’ll be neat to see myself doing a run. Um, Ellen?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve decided, I talked to Amanda and I’ve told Mom and Dad. I’m going to get the operation. You’re stuck with having a sister.”

Ellen lets out a squeal and grabs me. She’s jumping up and down with me in her arms saying, “Oh, Alex, I’m so happy for you!”

We end up falling back into the pool and Ellen almost drowns me in her excitement and finally I have to break free just so I can get some air. “So, Ellen, tell me what you really think.”

We both start laughing and after we’ve climbed back out and rested, we go in and get changed for dinner. Tonight is going to be burgers on the grill and corn on the cob. Yummy.

I take a quick shower and after putting on a pair of shorts and a tank top, I go back downstairs to see if I can help with dinner.

Dad’s out grilling the burgers and everything else is done so I help Ellen set the table and am soon munching down on a nice juicy burger and trying to get a piece of corn from between my two front teeth. Does it get any better than this or what?

We’re just finishing up in the kitchen after dinner when Monkey shows up.

Ellen lets him in and I say, “Hey, Monkey, thanks for bringing this over so fast.”

“Always my pleasure to come over to the house of babes. Oh, ah hello, Mr. and Mrs. Conners.”

Ellen and I are laughing at his discomfort, and Mom and Dad are smiling. Mom says, “Always a pleasure to have you over, Monkey.”

“Thanks, Mrs. C. Say, this is some groovy stuff we have here: want to check it out with us? It’s real cool.”

“We’d love to.”

With that, we all go into the family room.

Monkey goes over to load the DVD into the player and is explaining what is on it.

“Well, as I said, this is some really heavy sh... um, stuff. I mean what Alex does is really amazingly cool stuff. I can’t stay long but I did want to get this over here so you can see it. Now keep in mind, nothing has been edited, this is just raw footage. All I did was put all the video in one place. I’ve still got a ton of editing to do to get it to look the way I want it to. Ready?”

At our nods, he presses ‘Play’ and the pictures begin.

The film starts with me stretching and getting ready for the first part of the run, going up the side of the parking garage. When the film changes to another of the cameras, we’re given a side view of Ellen. The camera pans down, then slowly up, pauses at her butt then back up to her face where it zooms in for her full profile.

I start laughing as this is obviously the camera that Walt was using. As soon as Ellen starts to turn in the film, the camera quickly moves to show me.

Ellen is blushing and we’re all chuckling.

The film continues as I start the run and go up the side of the parking garage. It is so cool watching me do this. I’ve never had this perspective before.

Next we’re on top of the garage and I’m running along the top of the rail, then over the side to the next level.

I can hear Mom and Dad give little exclamations as I go through my run. Just wait ’til I get to the jump.

We continue to laugh whenever Walt gets Ellen in the shot. One time there was a very lingering shot of Ellen’s butt. Ellen is blushing and telling us to cut it out. I just say, “Well Ellen, you do have a nice butt, nothing to be ashamed of.”

Ellen just throws a pillow at me in reply.

Next is the alley jump and it’s incredible to watch. I almost do look like I’m flying. I’m busy trying to figure out what all of this reminds me of when I catch Mom and Dad’s quick intake of breath.

I look over and their eyes are riveted to the screen.

“This is so cool, isn’t it, Mom and Dad? Wait until you see the end.”

They don’t even reply and the action continues. Eventually we get to the last scene and I find myself holding my breath.

I’m up on the edge of the rail along the top of the garage and my back is to the camera. The next instant I’m falling straight down. Even knowing how I did it, it still looks like it’s uncontrolled until I reach the last point and I’m suddenly springing back, twisting in my layout position and landing. There’s a great shot of my face as I hold my position. My eyes are alight, I’m breathing heavily and I have a very self-satisfied smile on my face.

Ellen and I are cheering Monkey and slapping him on the back.

“Oh, Monkey, I’m so glad you talked me into letting you film me. This was just so cool. I can’t wait until you have everything all edited together.”

“Me too. I told you this would blow your mind. Well I really do have to split. As soon as the editing is done, I’ll let you know. Later, babes. Later, Mr. and Mrs. C.”

Ellen and I escort Monkey to the door. All three of us are chattering away about the film all at the same time.

When Ellen and I get back to the family room, Mom and Dad are gone, so Ellen and I sit and watch it all again.

“Gosh, Ellen, this is so cool. I never thought it would look like this. I wonder how he’s going to cut it all together. Say, this whole thing is tickling my brain and I just can’t figure it out. What does all of this remind you of?”

“Remind me of? What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure and I’m not sure that I can point to any one thing but it’s just bugging me. Nothing stands out to you?”

“Well…”

“Alex?”

I turn and there’s Mom and Dad. It looks like something is up.

“Yeah, Dad? Say what did you guys think of all of that? Pretty cool don’t cha think?”

“Yes, it was very exciting, in fact it almost gave your mother and I a heart attack. That’s part of what we need to discuss with you.”

They come and sit across from Ellen and me.

“Gee, Dad, Mom, I’m sorry about that. Honest, I didn’t know how it would look on film myself.”

“Well, honey,” said Mom, “It’s not that so much, our concern is you could have been seriously injured doing all of that, or worse.”

“Oh no, really, Mom, it isn’t as bad as it looks like on film. Really it isn’t.”

Dad says, “Alex, honey, this is your Mother’s and my fault. We should have been more aware of exactly what your running entailed. We just assumed that you did all of this on the ground.”

“Wha...what are you saying?”

“What we’re saying, honey, is we don’t think that you should be doing this across rooftops. Your mother and I can’t, as parents and as people who love you so very much, allow you to do this so high that you can get seriously hurt. I’m sorry, honey.”

“Bu...but, Dad…Mom, you don’t understand, I’m really, really careful when I do this. I scope out all of my runs ahead of time and double-check to make sure that there isn’t anything around that would trip me up or hurt me. Really, I’m very careful.”

“We know you are, sweetheart,” says Mom, “it’s just that accidents can and do happen. If you had slipped taking off from that roof for your jump, you’d now be in the hospital at best. The worst is something I can’t even contemplate.”

Tears are running down my face, but I’m trying real hard to be calm about this. I know that throwing a tantrum about this would only make things worse.

“But you saw, everything was fine. No slips or anything. I’m really good at this. Please don’t take this away. Please.”

Dad said, “But accidents do happen, honey. They’re out of your control. But let’s say for the sake of argument that you have a magic pill that means you’d never get hurt. You’re running across private property. Your jumping could cause damage to that property and if that happens, we’re liable.

“The fact of the matter is though, there isn’t a magic pill and your mother and I just can’t let you take the risk. Going forward, you can’t go higher than ten feet and you have to stay off of all rooftops.

“We’re very sorry, honey.”

Looking at my Mom and Dad through my tears I can tell that this upsets them too, that makes it even harder. Crying, I run to my room, mourning something that means so very much to me.

***

I go up to my room and close the door. I just want to be alone. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself. I know that Mom and Dad are right and just don’t want me to get hurt, but losing the Parkour really hurts.

At some point, Mom, Ellen and even Dad come by to see if they can comfort me. I tell them all to go away. I’m not looking to be comforted: I’m looking to be alone.

Eventually I feel the need to do something, if not sure what. I finally decide that a bath might do the trick.

I start the water and add some of the lavender bath oil that Ellen gave me. I strip off my clothes and ease myself into the hot water.

I am just sitting back feeling sorry for myself when I realize that I am staring at the razor blade that’s in there. Picking it up I realize it is the same type I had used on my wrist. I take the blade in my hand and move it along the thin pale line that is along the inside of my forearm.

Shuddering, I quickly throw it into the trashcan. Gods, how could I have ever done that? The memory almost nauseates me. No, that’s not the answer, it never is.

I let the warm water and the scent of lavender relax me until eventually I realize that the water is cooling down. I get up and dry off and slip into my sleep tee shirt and crawl into bed. Sleep is a long time in coming.

***

When morning comes, I can tell that it’s not going to be a good one. I wake up in a bad mood, with a headache and feeling slightly nauseous.

I decide that a run before anything else may help. I may not be able to do the rooftop Parkour anymore, but a run to the marina and back may help things.

I get up and dress and I’m out the front door before anyone knows it. As I round the corner of our block, I hear Ellen calling out to me.

Damn it, I want to be alone. I’m far enough away that I think I can plausibly ignore her so I keep on going.

Despite putting on a bit more speed than what I normally run at, Ellen catches up with me at MLK Park when I pause to drink some water.

“Hey there, I’ve been trying to catch up with you. Didn’t you hear me?”

“Oh, hey, Ellen. Sorry, have a bunch of stuff on my mind this morning. So is it your job to make sure I don’t go leaping across the rooftops?”

At her hurt look, I quickly apologize.

“Oh geeze, Ellen. I’m sorry. I’m in a grumpy mood this morning and I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“Hey, what are sisters for? So where are you off to this morning?”

“Nowhere in particular. I kinda thought I’d go to the bay then up to the marina then back.”

“Okay if I keep you company?”

“Well, you’ve come this far, you might as well. You already know what a bitch I am this morning, so you can’t say you aren’t warned.”

We smile at each other and off we go. Soon we’re at the pedestrian walkway that goes across the Bayshore Freeway. The ramp down isn’t that far from the roof of a motel and I’m thinking that it would be cool to hop the fence, spring to the roof and go! With a sigh, we make our way down and continue to the bay.

When we reach the bay, we turn north and head to the yacht club. The wind off the water feels nice, but I’m soon regretting not having warmed up prior to running. I am beginning to get a stitch and I’m not able to run it out.

By time we reach the marina, I’m really glad for the chance to slow things to a walk. We just meander down the walkway that leads to the different piers. Most of the boats aren’t real big, but there are a couple of big ones and one that is absolutely huge is down on the end.

I wish we could get a closer look but the entrances to the piers are fenced and have little gate house thingies to keep the riff-raff away. I guess that would be us.

As we walk, Ellen is talking and I’m watching the people on the big yacht down at the end. The boat is heading out and it looks like everyone onboard is having a good time.

As I watch them pull away, I notice a small figure at the back of the boat. It looks like a little blonde girl in a colorful dress. She can’t be more than four or five. As I look, the little girl is suddenly taller, and then she’s falling over the side. I watch horrified as she strikes the small platform that is behind the boat before bouncing off and into the water.

“Oh my god! Ellen, call 911!”

“What!?”

“That little girl, she just fell off and into the water. Call 911 now!”

With that, I’m off. I’m flying down the walkway yelling, trying to get someone’s attention. As I approach the little gatehouse, I know I don’t have any time to waste so I pick up speed just before reaching it. I make my jump and get most of the way up the fence. Grabbing the edge of the roof I pull hard and I go up and over.

I hit the other side and I hardly even break stride as I head down the pier. I can’t see any sign of the little girl and I just pray that I’m not too late.

Just before I reach the end of the pier, I begin to hear yelling from behind me. Not even slowing down I do a racing dive into the water, heading to where I hope to find the girl. There is still no sign of her.

It’s a long dive and when I hit the water, the coldness of it is shocking. I didn’t expect it to be this cold for some reason.

I’m looking frantically around for any sign of the child and I don’t see her. Almost weeping, I take a big breath and dive. The water is so dark and murky. I can barely see anything and am frantically looking in all directions, hoping for any sign. I go deeper and deeper. Just as my lungs feel like they’re about to burst, I catch a glimpse of white.

Kicking frantically, I’m after it and soon see a small white hand and a cloud of blonde hair. I grab the arm and shoot to the surface.

I reach the surface and gasp in a huge lungful of air while pulling the little girl up too. I finally can get a good look at her and see a lot of blood coming from the top of her head and notice that she isn’t breathing.

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I try to calm myself and remember what I was just taught the other day. I’m in a near panic as I try to make sure her airway is clear and keep her afloat. Oh god, with her head like this she’s sure to have a spinal injury. I have no choice, I turn her head and give her the initial breaths and start compressions. I have to press from both sides and keep her head up. I repeat the breaths and compressions. Tears are running down my face. I can’t help but move her head around as I give her mouth-to-mouth and the compressions.

Come on baby, breathe, please honey, breathe. Again and again I do the breaths and compressions. Suddenly there are others in the water with me.

I yell out, “Spinal injury! We need a backboard,” and I continue with the breaths and compressions.

Soon, the EMTs are taking over and I feel two sets of hands under each of my arms, lifting me up and onto the dock.

Someone yells, “She’s breathing!” but I look and if she is, it’s weak and she still isn’t moving. Oh god no, I’ve paralyzed her!

A blanket is thrown around me and I’m led away. Soon I’m with Ellen. We’re both weeping and holding onto each other.

“Oh, Ellen, I tried, I tried so hard! I think I made things worse, she’s not moving. I think I paralyzed her.”

I collapse in tears and Ellen is holding me. All of a sudden it feels like I’m being ripped open. Oh gods I’ve never felt anything like this before.

“Aaaahheeeeee! Ellen, oh god! Ellen!”

“Alex! What’s wrong, what’s happening?”

“Ellen, make it stop, please!”

“Alex, easy, honey, you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Oh god, it’s my stomach, call Mom...tell her...call Doctor Garcia. It’s aahhhhh!–” and another wave of pain hits me.

“We need a paramedic over here! Hold on, Alex; hold on, sis, I’m right here with you. Will someone get over here now!? Help’s on the way, Alex. Now tell me, what’s happening?”

“Oh Ellen…call Mom…Mom will...aaiiieeee! Oh please, make it stop!” After that, all I can do is curl up and cry. The pain is such that I’m not even aware of what is going on around me. My total awareness is concentrated on the terrible pain coming from my stomach and groin.

***

A little girl with white blonde hair is lying down in front of me. There’s blood all around her head but she doesn’t seem in any pain as she just lays there looking up at me. Her large blue eyes just stare and slowly a tear forms in one, then slowly rolls down her cheek.

I’m crying as I tell her I’m sorry, that I really tried to help. She just stares at me as darkness forms around us.

***

An incessant beep, beep, beep breaks through to my awareness. The feeling of pain and pressure are in my groin, stomach and face. I begin to cry again as I remember the little girl.

Soon, someone is petting my head and holding my hand.

“Honey, Alex, honey, it’s okay, Daddy’s here.”

I open my eyes and look up. Dad is leaning over me, stroking my hair. It looks like he hasn’t shaved in awhile and he has dark circles under his eyes.

“Oh, Daddy, that poor little girl,” I cry. “I tried so hard, really I did.”

“Hush, baby, it’s okay. You saved her, honey, she’s fine.”

“But I had to keep moving her head and she wasn’t moving. I paralyzed her.”

“No, no, honey. She’s okay. She’s already back home with her family, sweetheart, all because of you. You saved her life, honey.”

“Really? She’s okay?”

“Really, sweetheart.”

At this news I just start crying again, this time in relief. I’m not even aware of when I go back to sleep.

***

The beep, beep, beeping breaks through the darkness again. This time when I open my eyes, I notice that it’s dark in the room. The pain in my groin and stomach is now just a dull throb. My face feels stiff and sore, too.

Looking around I see Mom and Dad curled up together on the bed next to me. As I look at them, Mom’s eyes open and she sees me looking at her. I give her a weak smile and she’s immediately up and at my side. Her sudden movement wakes up Dad.

“Hey, baby. How are you feeling?”

“Hey, Mom. Like someone beat me up. I guess I’m in the hospital.”

“Yeah, sweetie, you’ve given us quite a scare, but everything will be fine now.”

“Dad, the little girl is really okay?”

“Yes, honey, she really is okay.”

“Thank goodness.”

“I’m sooo tired. Mom, Dad, about my Parkour, I’ve been thinking and you’re right, no more jumping off roofs. You see, there’s something you don’t know. When we were in Greece, I was running along the rail when I slipped and fell. I’m sorry. Besides, I think I found something better to do.”

“What’s that, baby?”

“Well, Mom, you know that book you just had me read, The King Must Die? Well I think I’d like to try bull dancing, it might be fun.”

Both of their eyes go wide when they remember the story and what the bull dancers did in it.

“Gotcha,” I say and I smile as I drift off into sleep again.

 

---

 

Part 31

When I wake up again, it’s still to the sound of that really annoying beep, beep, beep and I feel lousy. It’s light in the room and a strange lady in scrubs, whom I take to be either a nurse or a doctor, is fiddling around with some equipment next to the bed.

“Hey there, I see you’re finally awake. I’m Frances and I’ll be your nurse today. How are you feeling?”

“Lousy. Are my Mom and Dad here?”

“I don’t know about your Mom, but your Dad is right outside talking with the doctor. Now then, while I get your blood pressure, why don’t you tell me what’s so lousy, are you in pain?”

I’m really out of it and about all I can manage is nodding my head.

“Okay, then, can you tell me on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, how would you rate the pain?

“Um, I guess about a six or so, maybe a seven.”

“Well, when your doctor gets in here, we’ll see if we can’t get you something for that.”

She proceeds to take my pulse and temperature and then is hanging a new IV bag when Doctor Martin and Dad walk in.

“Dad.”

“Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing?”

“I’ve been better. Is Mom around?”

“She should be here any minute. She went home to get your sister and to freshen up a bit.”

“Oh, okay. Hello, Dr. Martin.”

“Hello, Alex. Just couldn’t wait until Monday could you?” she says with a smile. “So tell me how you feel.”

“Real bad, like someone has been jumping up and down on me.”

“I’m not surprised given what you’ve been through.”

At that point, the door opens and in walks Mom and Ellen.

“Mom, Ellen. Are the boys here, too?”

We all hug and smile at each other. Mom says, “No, they went over to the Marshall’s while we came here.”

Doctor Martin says, “I was just going to explain to Alex what happened. After that, I need to check her out and that means all of you will need to go get a cup of coffee or something. But for now, Alex, what would you like to know?”

“Um, well, did you fix things? Am I a girl now?”

“You’ve always been a girl, but I know what you’re asking. The answer is no, not completely. What happened is you started your period Saturday. From the looks of things this wasn’t the first one either. What made this one so dramatic is it was your first heavy menstruation plus your previous periods had caused some minor damage.

“When you came in, your condition was quite critical. We had to rush you into the operating room and get a drain in place. For now, that’s where we are going to leave things. Once you are done menstruating, then we can get you scheduled for the cosmetic work. At that time we’ll also check again to see if you have sustained any additional damage.”

“I’ve got damage?” This sounds serious.

“Just a little. What we’ve seen so far isn’t anything to be concerned about. We will want to do a more extensive examination to make sure you’re fully fit.

“First though, we need to get you through this. Okay?”

“Thank you, Dr. Martin.”

“You’re welcome, honey. Now all of you, out. Go get some coffee or a pop or something. Come back in about ten to fifteen minutes. You can visit with Alex then.”

After everyone files out, Dr. Martin continues. “Okay, Alex, I’ve already talked to your parents about this so let me expand on what I was saying. It looks like your previous bouts of cramps were indeed menstrual cycles. Fortunately, they were light. Your body was able to re-absorb much of the discharge and there doesn’t appear to have been any serious damage but there is some scar tissue. This time your period wasn’t light and coupled with what had happened previously, you were in a very serious state when you came in here.

“For now, all we did was clean things up a bit and install a drain. Until your cycle is over, we just can’t do anything else. And that leads us to your cosmetic surgery. Dr. Rivera had called me on Friday and we discussed your case. She’s convinced that this is what you want, is it?”

“Yes, Dr. Martin, it really is.”

“Okay, given your condition, I’d be inclined to sign off on the surgery even if you weren’t so sure. What you want is akin to fixing a birth defect. In fact, that is just what it is. Now if you wanted to be male, well in that case I’d be urging that you wait a bit longer.

“Now that we have that settled, tell me, how are you feeling?”

“I feel bad. I ache all over and especially down there. I’m also freezing. Can I get a blanket or something?”

“I think we can manage that. In the meantime, let’s just take a look at you. I’ll also want to draw a bit of blood.”

***

Dr. Martin won’t let me look while she examines me. Quite frankly, I’m glad she won’t. I’m not quite sure I’m ready for that.

While she does that, the nurse draws some blood. After about fifteen minutes, they both are all done and Mom, Dad and Ellen are let back in.

“Hey, Ellen. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. At this rate, you’re not going to want to be around me anymore.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m just glad I was with you. Hey, look who followed us here.”

Ellen pulls out my old plush teddy bear from a bag she is carrying.

“Beau Jangles! Thanks, Ellen.”

For some reason I feel a whole lot better with my old teddy bear tucked in with me.

Dad asks, “Can we get you anything, honey?”

“They were supposed to get me a blanket. I’m freezing, can someone check on that?”

Ellen goes out in search of my blanket and I ask Mom and Dad, “How long will I have to be here?”

Mom says, “According to Dr. Martin, at least until your period is over. After that, we’ll have the cosmetic surgery done. You’re going to be in here for at least the next couple of weeks, honey.”

Feeling rather disappointed, my only response is, “Oh.” I really don’t like hospitals. I’m really beginning to shiver and my teeth are chattering together when Ellen returns with the nurse.

Ellen is carrying the blanket and the nurse has another smaller IV bag and a tray with a little dixie cup on it.

Nurse Frances says, “Okay, hon, I’ve got some meds here for ya and a blanket.” So she props me up and gives me a pill from the little cup, plugs in the new IV and she and Ellen spread the blanket over me. It’s a heated blanket and it feels wonderful.

When all that is done, the nurse takes my temperature again then leaves.

It isn’t too much longer and I’m asleep again.

***

There are times that I feel like I am burning up: so much so that I’m surprised that I don’t burst into flame. Other times, no amount of blankets seems to be able to warm me up.

My head gets so messed up that it’s hard for me to figure out what is real. Once, I swear that Dr. Martin parades six topless girls into my room so I can pick what size bust I will get. I figure this has to be a dream ’cause all six girls look just like me and besides, that’s not the end that doesn’t match the girl me.

Another time, the abominable snowman is in my room and he is busy packing ice cubes all around my body. I keep telling him that there is no way I can make enough lemonade to use up all the ice, but he just won’t stop.

Now once, Ellen, Monkey and I are all playing cards. Well, every time I look over to him, Monkey looks more and more like a real monkey. In the end, he is holding his cards with his tail and is keeping his head propped up with both of his hands. The conversation with him is even weirder. “So, little groovy babe, sorry ’bout getting ya in trouble with the union, but it’s cool that you can join with a small penalty and make everything all groovy again.”

“What? Ellen, what is he talking about?”

“You know, sis, the trouble you got into with the union for making the movie, then doing their bit rescuing that little girl.”

“Okay, now what are you talking about?”

“You know, Local 235 of the JLA. You got amnesia or something?”

If possible, things only get stranger from there. I never do find out what the union thing is all about or why I seem to be in trouble with them.

***

“Alex, Alex you need to wake up.”

Slowly, I become more aware of my surroundings. My head is swimming and I feel very hot and wet. It’s so hard to breathe.

There are people all around me and the room feels like it’s spinning. The lights are very bright and Dr. Martin leans over me.

“Alex, we need to operate. We’re taking you down now. Your body is in full rejection. I’m sorry.”

“Wh-why? What’s happening to me?” I can barely breathe and it’s so very hot. Each of my breaths is coming in more labored than the one previous.

“Your body, it’s rejecting the girl in you. We need to operate or we’ll lose everything and you’ll be a boy forever!”

“No, please. I don’t want to lose...”

***

I slowly wake up to a high-pitched steady whining sound, it is very annoying but it seems to be slowly fading. For the first time in ages, it seems like I don’t feel as if I’ve just been run over by a truck. I also feel that there is somewhere that I just have to be.

Remembering what Dr Martin said, I quickly pull back the covers. Oh thank goodness, she stopped the rejection, I’m still a girl. The thought of being a boy again really bothers me. I get out of bed and am surprised at how steady my legs are. I turn to the door so I can leave and there’s Robbyn!

“Robbyn! Oh my god! When did you get here?” and I rush over and soon we’re hugging.

“Oh, Alex, you didn’t think you could keep me away from my best friend, do you? Alex, I’ve missed you so much. Now where do you think you’re going? I just got here so just turn around and get back into that bed. You’re not going anywhere. Now let me look at you. Girl, you look like crap, do you know that? You are in serious need of a makeover. Hey, I know, how about that place you, your Mom and sister went to? I got your picture and mamma mia you were some spicy number after that place got done with you. Until then, here’s a bit of blush and some lip-gloss. Now that’s better, I always knew you were a girl, did you know that? I mean really a girl, everywhere it really matters. You are and always will be a girl, a beautiful girl who I love and who better stay put in this bed. Now get me caught up on everything that’s been going on. Geeze, I leave you alone for a couple of months and look what happens.”

“Robbyn, I’ve missed you so much too, but tell you what, you wait here and I’ll be back. I have to go now.”

“No, honey. Please stay with me. I don’t want you to go. I can’t let you go. We promised each other, remember? So you see you can’t go or you’d break your promise and I know you’d never do that. Can you please stay? I love you Alex. Come on, just stay with me and let’s talk. I’ve missed you so much and we’ve been apart for so long. You just have to tell me everything. Here, I know, we’ll lie down together and hold each other and you can catch me up on everything you have been doing and I’ll catch you up on everything that I have been doing. Okay? Please?”

Well, I look at her and she’s giving me that look, the one that always gets me to do just whatever it is she wants me to do. This time it’s so hard to do it, I really feel like I need to go somewhere.

I look at Robbyn again and all I see is love. “Well okay, but just for a bit, okay?”

“Yippee,” and she hops up and down, clapping her hands.

We crawl into bed and she is holding me close, very close like she’s afraid that I’m going to disappear on her or something. I start to tell her all that’s been going on and I feel so good laying here with her. I don’t even notice when I fall back asleep.

***

When I wake up again, it’s to that damned beep, beep, beeping noise. I’m really surprised that anyone can sleep with that going off all of the time.

My body is all achy again and I feel weak as a newborn kitten, weaker actually. Someone could probably tie me up with wet toilet paper and I truly don’t think that I’d be able to break free.

Yet despite all of the aches and pains, somehow I feel better. It’s hard to describe but I do.

My face is pressed into something soft and furry. Opening my eyes, I find myself looking into the bright eyes of Mr. Beau Jangles. Smiling, I pull him close to my chest and look around.

There’s no sign of Robbyn nor anyone else for that matter. Tubes and wires are everywhere. I feel a bit like someone’s science experiment. As I’m trying to figure out what everything is for, the door opens and in walks Dr. Martin.

“Well, hello there. Glad to see that you decided to stick around. You’ve kept the excitement level peaked around here for awhile. I hope we can get some rest now. How are you feeling this morning?”

“Hello, Dr. Martin. I feel weak and kind of achy all over but better, yeah, definitely better.”

“Better is good, I always like to hear that. Your mother will be up in just a bit. In the meantime, let’s take a look at you.”

Dr. Martin proceeds to give me a thorough examination. While she is checking me down below, I ask, “How’s it look? Will we be able to do the cosmetic surgery soon?”

“You’re healing very nicely. Yes, I think that we can get your cosmetic work done soon. You’re completely over your menstrual cycle now and everything else is looking very good.”

“Wow, I thought that periods lasted a lot longer.”

As Dr. Martin covers me back up, she says, “Alex, it’s been almost two weeks since you came in here. How much do you remember?”

“What? Um, well I remember getting here and you telling me that you had to put a drain in, but not much else. I had some weird dreams. I remember my friend Robbyn, but not much else. Two weeks?”

“Well young lady, you’ve given us quite the scare. You developed an infection that was not initially responding to the antibiotics we were giving you. The infection moved to your lymph system and spread throughout your body. From the infection you developed a very high fever and at one point your heart stopped. Once we got you back, your fever broke and you’ve been resting since then for the past twenty-four hours.

“Our main goal now is to build your strength back up. When we’ve done that, then we can get your cosmetic surgery done. Okay? Any questions?”

“I died?”

“No, not really. It’s true you didn’t have a pulse, but you still had brain function. It doesn’t appear to have caused any lasting damage but we’ll continue to run tests just to make sure.

“Now let me go see if your mother is here and maybe get something for you to eat. Hungry?”

“Now that you mention it, yeah, I am.”

“Okay then, but don’t be too disappointed, you’re going to be on light, fairly bland foods for a bit. I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

After she leaves, I just lay back trying to take in everything that I was just told. Wow, I was dead, good thing I got better. I start to chuckle remembering an old movie scene about that.

***

I’m just lying back cuddling with my bear when Mom comes in.

“Mom!”

Mom’s face lights up and she rushes over and soon I’m wrapped in her arms. She’s holding me like I’m going to disappear on her or something.

“Oh, sweetheart, how are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Oh, baby, we were so worried.”

I just hold on to her and say, “I’m fine, Mom. I’m doing so much better.”

“I love you, honey, so very, very much.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

We continue to hold on to each other until the door opens and in walks the nurse with a food tray. Mom reluctantly lets me go and when she pulls back I see that she has been crying. I’ve got a few tears in my eyes as well and as the nurse gets the food tray set up in front of me, Mom and I collect ourselves.

While I eat, Mom gets me caught up on everyone. Dad is home with the twins and supervising the installation of some equipment into his office. Ellen is doing some last minute stuff for school before the term ends. She plans to stop by later this afternoon when she is done. Mom has just gotten back from getting some rest at the house. Apparently, either she or Dad or both were always here with me.

I finish up my tray and push it away. I haven’t eaten very much but I’m stuffed. My stomach shrank I guess.

“So, honey, do you need anything else?”

“Yeah, do you have any lip stuff? My lips are all chapped.”

“I think so. Ta-da! Even better, I have one of yours. Here you go.”

I put it on and the cherry flavor reminds me of Robbyn.

“Mom, where’s Robbyn?”

“What do you mean, honey?”

“Well she was here. I got her caught up on everything that has been happening but before she could do the same, I fell asleep.”

“I think you must have been dreaming that, honey. Robbyn hasn’t been here.”

“But it was so real.”

Mom and I continue to chat and in about half an hour, when Dr. Martin comes back in, she asks, “Well, Alex, how are you holding up?”

“Tons better.”

“That’s good to hear. I think that we’ll be able to move you out of ICU and into a private room this afternoon. We’ll also be able to unhook you from some of this gadgetry, too. Right now I want you to get some rest and I think your Mom could use a bit more too.

“Sharon, why don’t you go back home? Alex needs to rest and you can come back this afternoon when we move her to her new room. She’s out of danger now, so get. You need the rest too.”

“Well, okay. Honey, can I bring you anything from home?”

“I don’t think so, Mom. I’m just going to rest a bit. Love you.”

“I love you too, honey.”

***

When I wake up again, it’s to Nurse Frances and another nurse bustling around me.

“Hey there, Alex, how are you feeling?”

“Hello. Much better I think.”

“No aches or pains I should know about?”

“I’m a bit sore, but nothing too bad.”

“Great. This is Nancy, and the two of us are going to get you all unhooked and up to a private room. Just bear with us, some of this isn’t all that pleasant but we’ll be done before you know it.”

They proceed to get everything undone on me and it isn’t all that bad. Well, removing the catheter isn’t pleasant but Frances was right, in almost no time I am unhooked from everything but an IV and on my way upstairs to another room.

Nurse Frances and Nurse Nancy have just left after getting me in my new bed and I’m trying to re-adjust things to be a bit more comfortable when my door opens again.

In walks a man I’ve never seen before but as he’s wearing a lab coat, I assume he’s one of the other doctors around here.

“Well good afternoon, Alex, and how are we doing today?”

“Um, okay I guess.” For some reason I don’t like this guy. Maybe it’s the whole ‘we’ bit in talking to me. I’m the one in the bed hooked up to things, not him.

“That was some excitement you went through rescuing the Dempsey’s granddaughter like you did–must make you feel mighty proud.”

“Is that her name? Well, I’m glad she’s okay.”

“So, why don’t you bring me up to speed on your condition?”

“Um, shouldn’t you know that already? Um, doctor…?”

“Oh, well yes, but I like to get the patient’s perspective on their condition. So tell me.”

“Who did you say you were?”

“Um, well, I’m a specialist and I need to get some information from you. So if you’ll just answer my questions we can get going.”

Now I really am beginning to not like this guy and not knowing who he is, I certainly won’t talk with him. Fortunately, I don’t have to, because just then Nurse Frances comes in.

“You? Security! Nancy, call security now.” Turning to this guy, “You were warned, mister and it looks like you’re trying to impersonate a doctor as well.”

Just then, two very large security guards come into the room.

“There’s no need, I’m leaving, I’m leaving.”

To which Nurse Frances says, “Oh no you’re not, you were warned and you’re bothering a patient and a minor to boot. Larry, Brian, hold this guy for the cops.”

The guards take this guy by both arms and lead him none too gently out of my room.

“Frances, who was that guy? Why was he here?”

“Don’t worry about him, honey. He’s just a creep of a reporter who’s been trying to get in here to see you for the past week. I’m sorry, honey. Are you okay? He didn’t touch you did he? If he did...”

“No, he just asked some questions. What is this all about?”

“Well, I think he wants to interview you because of the rescue you did, but I’ll just let your Mom and Dad fill you in on the details. Now, how about we get you a bite to eat. It’s also time for some more of your meds.”

To say I’m confused by everything going on would be an understatement. Why on earth would anyone want to interview me?

***

Shortly after Frances leaves, the door cracks open and Ellen pokes her head in.

“Ellen!”

“Hey, kiddo, how are you doing?”

Ellen comes in and sits down next to me.

“Much better now that you’re here. It’s been a crazy morning. Some guy, I guess he’s a reporter, tried to sneak in here and Nurse Frances called the guards on him.”

“Oh ho, so that’s who I saw. Yeah, they were handing him over to the police when I got here.”

“Ellen, why on earth would anyone want to interview me?”

“That’s right, you don’t know. Well that little girl you saved is the granddaughter of John and Ramona Dempsey. Add to that the fact that your rescue was caught on film and there have been a lot of people wanting to get in to talk to you. They’ve been calling the house like daily. Mom had to have the number changed–it was getting so bad.”

“What? Who are the Dempseys and who caught what on film?”

“Okay, the Dempseys are among the richest people anywhere. They were visiting some friends when their granddaughter fell off the boat. Anyway, like I said, they’re filthy rich. Pretty much anything to do with publishing has their name on it somewhere.

“Now the yacht club was having something filmed outside when this whole thing went down and when we started screaming for help, they swung their camera over and caught your run and dive and subsequent rescue. It’s been all over the news and you’re a big hit on YouTube.

“The news reports are, um, calling you, ‘Wonder Girl’.”

I start to laugh. “Me? Why on earth would they call me that?”

“Well, um, you see from the camera angle it looks like you just jumped the gate thingy without touching it.”

“So, you know better. It couldn’t have been that great a shot if they think I could do something like that.”

“Um, true, but ah, well there might be something more to it than that.”

Ellen is looking decidedly uncomfortable.

“Ellen, what’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Um, me? Well...”

Just then Nurse Frances and Nurse Nancy come into the room with my lunch and meds. Ellen looks relieved by the interruption.

Nurse Frances says, “Here you go, love, down the hatch with the meds then eat up your lunch. You need to gain your strength back. Oh, and Nancy here will be taking over from me. I need to get back downstairs. Everyone up here has been briefed so hopefully you won’t be bothered again.”

“Thank you, Frances for all your help. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, hon, you just get better. Bye.”

“Bye.”

And with that, Frances and Nancy leave and Ellen is looking sheepish again.

“Okay, Ellen, out with it.”

“What?”

“Damn it, Ellen, just tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“Oh, okay. Well, you see, they might have gotten the whole ‘Wonder Girl’ thing from some other film of you. But not everyone is calling you, ‘Wonder Girl’. Um, some are calling you ‘Supergirl’, or ‘Ultra-Girl’, and there’s a few calling you ‘Increda-Girl’. I personally kinda like ‘Warrior Goddess’ but that’s just me. And there might actually be a radio station having a contest for the best superhero name for you.”

“Wh...what? How could they get...Monkey. Monkey did this.”

“Well, kind of. I mean he didn’t do the naming thing or anything but, well it was like this. The day after the rescue the yacht club film hits the news. Well like I said, the angle showing you go over the little gatehouse thing, well it really does look like you just jump on over. Then when you dive into the water, well your jump is really big. So immediately everyone starts speculating on who you are and how could you jump like that and I guess it was just a matter of time before someone mentions ‘super hero’, especially with that big convention that’s going to be in San Diego later this summer.

“Then all the news shows start having their quote, unquote, experts on and they’re all beginning to say how this whole thing is faked and well I guess that pissed me off and I might have mentioned something to Monkey about how they’d think differently if they could see you do your Parkour and well…”

“Let me guess, he showed them.”

“Um, yeah, but that’s not really all.”

“There’s more? This is unbelievable.”

“Well, yeah. Listen, don’t be mad or anything or at least don’t be mad at Monkey. You see, Monkey was trying to figure out what he was going to do for his project and well his specialty is animation, but...well I told him about your Parkour and how I thought it would be cool if he merged real life, you know, what you do, with his animation.

“He liked the idea and that’s why we had you dress the way you did.”

“The way I was dressed? What do you...oh, that’s it! That was what was bugging me so much. I was in this red, white and blue outfit and...oh, Ellen.”

I’m stunned. Looking at Ellen, she really looks miserable and just looking at her face and thinking about this whole situation gets me laughing. It starts as a giggle but soon it’s a full borne belly laugh and I can’t stop. Even though it hurts like crazy every time I laugh, I just can’t stop. Soon Ellen is joining in and we are both laughing like crazy.

When we eventually calm down, we have to call Nancy back in as I am really in some pain, but every now and then I’d start to giggle and have to fight to stop it from starting all over again.

Fortunately, nothing is damaged. I’m sure Nancy thinks we’re both certifiable, though.

 

---

 

Part 32

My time in the hospital is boring, with a capital B.O.R.I.N.G. Fortunately for me, Ellen is keeping me company. I finish up my lunch of blah with blah sauce and a side order of blah. Ellen and I are chatting away: she’s getting me caught up on what she’s doing at school. She’s done for the summer except she plans on working heavily on her clothing line and will be going up to school about once every other week to meet with her advisor.

Ellen is currently trying to explain to me about all the various types of hosiery. Who knew there was so much variety? About the time my eyes start to glaze over, Mom, Dad and the twins come in.

“Hey, guys.”

Everyone starts asking how I am feeling and we just chat and try to catch up with what everyone is doing. The twins are trying to get everything ready so they can go off to their big scout jamboree next month. Dad says that Mr. Dorney sends his best wishes and that Dad isn’t allowed back to work until I get home. Isn’t that the nicest thing?

Shortly after they arrive, two huge flower arrangements show up. They’re both absolutely beautiful and their fragrance soon fills the room. One is from Dad’s work and the other is from the Dempseys.

“Oh, this is nice. Lordy, they smell wonderful. Mom, next time you come, can you bring me something to write with? I’m not going to have a lot to do so I might as well write some thank you cards.”

“Okay, honey. That’s a good idea. In fact I’ll bring in all of the cards you’ve gotten so far and you can reply to them as well.”

“There’s more?”

“Good heavens yes. The house and the hospital have been flooded by cards and flowers. We’ve been screening them and since you’ve been in the ICU, we’ve had the hospital spread the flowers around to others here.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. I would like to see them before we pass them on, but let’s keep up with that.”

“So, Alex...”

“...do you have a scar?”

“Can we...”

“...see it?”

“How are...”

“...you feeling?”

“Will you...”

“...be coming home soon?”

“I think you guys talk that only because you know how annoying it is. I don’t have a scar ’cause I’m not fully healed yet and no you can’t see it and hopefully I’ll be home in the next week or so.”

We’re all smiling and feeling good and just enjoying being family when there’s a knock on the door and Nancy sticks her head in. She’s smiling and she says, “Alex, there’re two people here who’d very much like to see you. I think you might want to see them, too.”

Nancy opens the door and in walks two older people.

They’re smiling and they obviously know my folks as the man says, “Robert, Sharon, it’s so nice to see you again. This must be Alex.”

Dad says, “Hello, John, Ramona. Yes, this is Alex. I believe you’ve met our other daughter Ellen, and these are our sons, Mark and William.

“Alex, this is John and Ramona Dempsey. You rescued their granddaughter.”

“Oh, hello. It’s very nice to meet you. Is your granddaughter doing well?”

Ramona says, “Very well thanks to you. I don’t know how we can ever thank you.”

“There’s no need, ma’am, I very glad she’s doing better.”

John says, “Well I’d like to find a way to thank you. Would you accept a reward?”

“Oh no, sir, thank you just the same. If you’d like to do something, well, I’d like to meet her, your granddaughter I mean. I’d like to have a happy face to replace the one I have of her in my memory.”

“We’d like that too,” says Ramona. “I wanted to let you know that last year, we lost Elizabeth’s parents in an auto accident. Elizabeth is all we have left of our daughter and her husband. To have lost Elizabeth too, well I’m not sure John and I could have dealt with that and because of you, we won’t. Thank you my dear, thank you very, very much.”

John says, “Your mother and father said you’d not take money and I think we can arrange a little get together for when you get out of here. Robert, if you’d let us know when Alex is settled back home, we can plan to get together. Alex, take care of yourself and thank you again.”

“Yes, thank you very much. We’ll leave you to your family now,” adds Ramona.

“And thank you both for the lovely flowers and for stopping by. Tell Elizabeth that I’m looking forward to meeting her. Goodbye.”

After they leave, Bill and Mark start prancing around the room.

“Oh thaaaaannk yooou for the loverly flowers,” says Bill.

“Oh my yes, they stink soooo nice!” is Mark’s reply before they both start laughing at their own comedic wit, or what is funny to a twelve-year-old.

Mom tells them to stop and Ellen and I just roll our eyes at each other. Dad just stands there grinning.

“Dad, did Ellen tell you about the reporter that came in here?”

“Yes she did and your mother and I need to talk about that with you. First, about that reporter, I talked to the hospital administration people and the hospital is pressing charges directly and we won’t be involved unless absolutely necessary.

“Second, since the interest in you has not died down, they’ve suggested that you do a little press conference. That way we can get this put behind us and hopefully you won’t be bothered anymore. Your Mother and I think it’s a good idea but if you aren’t comfortable doing it, we won’t.”

“It’s so weird that people want to talk to me so much. I can’t say that it’s something that if I had a choice I would do, but it looks like maybe I don’t really have a choice. You guys would be there with me, right?”

“We’ll be with you every step of the way. We will want to get our stories straight before we do, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, do you really want to tell everyone why you are in the hospital? I think we can get by, by just saying it has to do with your appendix. Suit you?”

“Oh yeah, I see your point. Yeah, the appendix story works for me.”

“Okay then, maybe we can do this on Friday if you’re up to it.”

Mom says, “Ellen, could you take the boys down to the cafeteria and get them a snack?”

“Sure, Mom. Come on, guys, I think they have ice-cream down there.”

Turning to me, Mom says, “Okay, honey, I don’t think your brothers need to hear this next bit. Your father and I have talked to Doctor Martin and have made some other inquiries and we found a plastic surgeon that can finish the cosmetic work for you.”

“Really? How soon?”

“His name is Thomas Kenney and he’s a very well respected plastic surgeon with a great deal of experience doing vaginoplasties. He’s also available next week if this is something you still want and his examination confirms what needs to be done. Do you still want this and should we call him in?”

“Yes, Mom, Dad, I really do want this. Please call him. All I want is this to get done, be a girl and get back home with you guys. Oh, and to push the boys into the pool, but that’s just a bonus. I wanna go home but I want to do it as a girl.”

“Okay, sweetheart, we’ll give him a call right away.”

***

Journal Entry: May 22^nd

Gee, it’s been almost a month since I last wrote in here and boy oh boy has a ton of stuff happened. This is the first full day that I’ve been back from the hospital. The how and why of me being in the hospital is all part of the ‘ton of stuff’ that has been going on.

First and most importantly, (drum roll please) I am fully, completely, and unequivocally a girl now. There is nothing, or at least there won’t be anything once I’m done healing, that will ever give you a clue that I haven’t been one my entire life. Okay, I know I’ve always been a girl, but ya gotta realize me and the rest of the family spent the first fifteen years of my life thinking I was a boy and add to that the physical appearance didn’t quite match and well…

Now where do I start all of this? Okay, my last entry was the night before my Parkour run for Monkey. Well I did the run and it was awesome. Monkey brought over a DVD of the film he took and it was amazing. Now when Mom and Dad saw the film they kinda freaked and thinking back on it, I guess I can see why. Anyway, they told me that I can’t do the Parkour anymore or at least at any height above ten feet. Where’s the fun in that?

Needless to say, I was pretty upset about this, but like I said, I do see the reasoning behind it. I don’t like their decision, but I do understand where they’re coming from.

So the day after that, Ellen and I are out running (regular running that is) and end up over at the marina. Now we’re just walking along the sidewalk in front of the piers catching our breath when we see this little girl fall off a boat and into the water. We freak and Ellen calls 911 while I take off towards the pier. I’m up and over the little gatehouse at the end of the pier and before you know it, I’m in the water trying to find this little girl. I dive down and eventually find her, get her to the surface and the EMT’s arrive and get her breathing again and off to the hospital.

Meanwhile, back at the marina, I feel like someone is gutting me with a bunch of hooks. I know, pleasant imagery but you should have been on my side of it: that’s exactly what it felt like. Anyway, this was from me getting my period and my body not being able to do anything about it. The thought just grosses me out but they did end up fixing me up and then this real nice plastic surgeon made everything down there look like a proper vagina. That was a couple of days ago and I sure hope the doctor is right and it will look better ’cause it’s not so nice looking right now. Keep your fingers crossed.

There is some good news to report. While they were doing everything they needed to do to fix me, they really checked me out good. Dr. Martin says that there is some minor scarring on the inside but it shouldn’t cause any problems. We’ll need to keep an eye on things but she said all looks pretty good.

Okay, so the whole little girl rescue was actually caught on film AND Monkey supplied some footage of my Parkour run to the news stations so that whole thing got blown out of proportion and the media starts to portray me as some sort of superhero. Is that nuts or what? Oh, and I’m actually on YouTube and have a ton of hits.

I even had reporters sneaking into the hospital to try to interview me. Well, to try to put a stop to all of that, we ended up having a news conference at the hospital. That seems to have taken care of most of the problem but there is still a radio station that is having a contest to give me a superhero name. Yeah, can you believe it? The winner gets two full passes to some comic convention going on later this summer. I swear some people have far too much time on their hands.

Where did that superhero thing come from, you ask? Well it seems that Monkey, aided and abetted by my sister, arranged things so I looked like Wonder Woman’s kid sister while I did my Parkour. As well, Monkey adding animation to the process to enhance that look even more and you can see how it happened. I even have a fan club. Oh please! At first, I was so pissed at both of them. I mean, the least they could have done was ask me. They didn’t need to trick me.

So that’s about it. I’m back home from the hospital now and I’m trying to get my strength back but it’s difficult when it feels like someone has slapped you hard in the groin with a cactus. Yes, it feels like that, but it is getting better day by day.

Ellen has been absolutely super by helping Mom with my physical therapy and keeping me company and all. We’ve taken to watching the Next Top Model and the Project Runway shows together. At first, I wasn’t all that interested but they kinda grow on you. We bet on who we think will win and who we think will get cut. Hey, it passes the time, what can I tell you? It also gives me a tiny bit of insight on what Ellen is doing with her school. So we’ll watch that together while she works on her clothing line and I write notes back to all my fans.

Since the film of me hit the news, it’s since gone over to YouTube and I get tons of letters and stuff. Some people have even sent checks and cash! Mom, Dad and I have set up an account for all of this money. I don’t feel right taking it and in an awful lot of cases there isn’t a return address. So we set up this account and will donate it all to the Red Cross. If I hadn’t learned the water rescue and CPR from them, I wouldn’t be called a hero now. Oh, and I no longer get to open the letters. Some contained pictures of the sender, like a little girl who said she wanted to be like me when she grew up. That was nice. But I also got some that were, well, rather disgusting. Why on earth would someone take pictures of their privates and mail them to some kid and yes I’ll admit that I’m still a kid in a lot of ways? Dad turned those over to the police, but the end result is I can’t open my own mail anymore. That sucks.

All of the flowers that get sent, we send to other patients at the hospital or over to a nursing home.

Because of all of the interest in me from the media, we decided to do a news conference to get all of the questions over and done with. I couldn’t believe how stupid some of the questions were. They asked things like ‘how does it feel to be a hero?’ I don’t think I’m a hero, and I feel like I’ve always done. They asked if I had a boyfriend and really stupid things like was I glad to have saved her life. Well duh!

Now you know what the real crappy–and I do mean crappy–thing about this whole thing is? My birthday, yeah, look up at the top. It says May 22. That’s six days past my birthday and no nothing. Oh, I got some cards and the folks brought in a cake and they and the hospital staff sang me ‘Happy Birthday’ but it’s just not the same. I did get an email from Robbyn. She said that she’s sending me my present but isn’t sure when it will arrive, since it has to come from Europe. Damn I miss that girl.

Mom and Dad have promised that we’ll do something special once I’m fully better and we’ll just have a belated celebration but it’s just not the same. Crap.

End Journal Entry

***

“Alex, just what in the hell do you think you’re doing?” yells Ellen over the sound Sarah Carerra’s Intuition blasting from the radio.

I finish my crunches as Ellen goes over and turns down the stereo. “Hey I was listening to that!”

“Too bad. Now are you going to answer me? What do you think you’re doing?”

“Right now I’m just hanging around.” And I start to giggle.

“Ha, ha, very funny.” But Ellen starts to smile. “I don’t know how you can hang upside down like that–much less do crunches while you do it. You’re a freak, do you know that? You shouldn’t be able to do all that, much less do it so soon.”

I reach up and grab the bar and unhook my knees, then back roll and drop to my feet. “I think it’s actually easier than doing them on the ground, there’s no stress on the neck and back this way.”

“Which leads me back to my original question that you keep avoiding. You’re overdoing it, you know. You’re pushing yourself too hard to get back in shape. Hell, you’re in better shape right now than most people I know–no, change that, I don’t actually know of anyone in better shape than you.”

“Well, that just proves that you and your friends need to exercise more. Hee-hee.”

“Ha, I say ha, very funny. Seriously, I don’t want you injuring yourself by pushing too hard.”

“I won’t. It’s been three weeks; I’m almost completely healed now. Speaking of which, who’s driving me up for my doctor’s appointment, you or Mom?”

“We’re both going. Mom’s going to drop me off at school so I can talk with my advisor, then she’ll go with you to your appointment. When you’re done, you guys will pick me up on the way back.”

As we’re talking, we’re walking upstairs to my room. When we get there, I begin to take off my sweaty clothes.

“Are your boobs bigger?”

Looking down I say, “Hmm, I’m not sure. I don’t think so, well maybe. I did lose weight while in the hospital so they may look bigger, but I’ve gained it back. Don’t really know if they are or not.”

“That may be it. Do your bras fit okay? I seem to remember that you’re between an A and a B cup.”

“I guess they don’t fit as well as they used to.”

“Hmm, hold on a sec.” Ellen whips out her ever-present tape measure. “Take the rest of your clothes off, I want to get your measurements.”

I finish stripping out of my clothes and am standing naked in front of Ellen. Something feels strange about this until I realize that I don’t feel uncomfortable doing it and the reason I think is my acceptance of being a girl. Interesting, I’ll have to talk to Amanda about this next time.

“Hey, you look great. Is there any bruising left?”

“None that I can see, but then again I don’t have the best angle. I do seem to be healing well.”

“I’ll say. Now hold out your arms and stand straight.”

So for the next couple of minutes, Ellen measures me. When she’s done, she’s just looking at her notepad.

“Well, what are they?”

“Hmm, I think I hate you–no, I know I hate you.”

“Elllleeeenn!”

“Oh okay, I don’t hate you but I am jealous.”

“Will you start talking sense?”

“Okay, have you weighed yourself lately?”

“Yeah, this morning. I’m now up to 127 pounds. You’d think I would weigh more considering how much I’ve been packing away lately. I did lose a bunch of weight while I was in the hospital.”

“I may go back to hating you. Okay, so you’re 127 pounds and you’re five feet, eleven inches tall. Your perky little boobs aren’t so little, although they’re still perky. According to your bra here, you were 32 inches and as I said between an A and a B cup. These puppies are 35 and a strong B cup by my reckoning. That would also explain why they’re so stretched out, too–the bras that is. Weren’t you at all uncomfortable wearing them? Anyway, your hips are also 35 inches and your waist is 22 and a half inches. So to sum it up, with what I just said plus your face, hair, everything else, well you could be a fashion model. In fact I know some models that would kill for your stats and the way you look.”

“Nope, not me. Wow, they really grew this past month or so. I guess I need to go get some new bras.”

“Yeah, you. You’re prettier than those girls on our shows. You practice the walk and some of the photo techniques that models use and I bet you could do it. You’re a natural-born mimic.”

“But that would mean parading around in front of a bunch of people and although I’m not nearly as phobic about being around people as I used to be, I’m still pretty bad.”

I head into the bathroom to take my shower. While I’m washing, Ellen comes in.

“Say, will you at least try some of the walks and posing for me in private? I’d like to satisfy my curiosity about you, plus if you’d let me, I bet I could get one of the photography majors to take some pictures of you. I bet they’d do it for free just to build up their portfolio.”

“Oh no. Last time I helped one of your friends I got turned into a superhero. And I wish that damned contest would get over with soon. I’m not going to get wrapped up into one of your schemes again.”

“Schemes? Me? How can you say something like that about your sister?”

“’Cause I know you?”

“Alex?”

“What?”

Ellen flushes the toilet.

“Ellen! I am so going to get you!”

“Hee-hee, better hurry and get dressed, sis.” And she rushes out.

I finish up in the shower and get out and start the tedious process of drying my hair. With that done, I go back into my room and get dressed. I’d love to slip on some jeans but I haven’t dared to since the operation. Besides, I’m not sure if I could take it. It seems that everything is way more sensitive down there now. That’s something I need to talk to the doctor about.

Instead, I put on a mid-calf peasant skirt in navy blue and a white tank top. I slip on my sandals and head downstairs to get some lunch and to initiate my revenge on Ellen.

***

Before going into the kitchen, I make a quick detour to Mom’s office. There I quickly find what I need for my revenge. I run downstairs then head back up and into the kitchen.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hello, sweetheart. Chicken salad for lunch–want me to fix you one?”

“Please, thank you.”

“Hiiii, Ellen.” I need to keep Ellen as jumpy as possible until we leave for my plan to work.

“Hey. What are you up to?”

“Me? Why would I be up to anything?” And I bat my eyes at her.

“Because I know you, that’s why.”

“Why, Ellen, what a thing to say.” Sotto vocé to Mom I say, “Mom, Ellen is a bit paranoid, don’t you think?”

“Don’t you two drag me into this. Here, eat your sandwich.”

I just sit at the counter smiling at Ellen as I eat my sandwich. In my lap I have a rolled-up newspaper and I bide my time.

Just as I’m finishing my sandwich I see my opportunity. Ellen is walking over to the sink and finishing her drink. I grab the paper and slap the counter as hard as I can with it and purposely do not look at Ellen.

An already jumpy Ellen predictably jumps and ends up spilling some of her drink on herself. Perfect.

“Alex!”

Looking up I say, “Sorry, I was getting a fly.”

“Yeah, right.”

Mom says, “Run downstairs and change your shirt, we need to leave here soon.”

I clear my plate and finish my drink.

Mom turns to me and asks, “Alex, I heard from the Dempsey’s this morning, they would like to get together and introduce you to Elizabeth. I figured Saturday would be nice, we could do dinner on the grill. Does that sound okay with you?”

“Sounds great, Mom, I’m looking forward to seeing Elizabeth.”

Ellen comes back upstairs and yep, she’s wearing her yellow blouse. Now if she’ll turn, I can see if she found my little addition to it.

No such luck. Ellen refuses to let me get behind her. In fact, she grabs her clothing bag and hurries out to the car while I’m running back up to my room to get my purse.

Ellen is in the back seat of the car and so I take the front. We all idly chat on the drive up. When we stop to let Ellen out, I say “Ellen, come here for a sec.”

“Not a chance. Mom, give me a call just before you leave the doctor’s office and I be waiting for you here. Bye, you two.”

“Bye, honey.”

“See ya, sis.”

Ellen turns and walks away and finally, I see that it’s still there.

Looking at Ellen’s retreating form, Mom says, “Oh, Alex. I don’t understand why you two tease each other so much. If I didn’t know how much you two love each other, I might get worried.”

“Hee-hee. Don’t say anything, Mom. I know you always advise me to hold off and to wait but I just couldn’t resist.”

“You’re a bad girl, you know that?”

I just giggle at Mom and we drive away.

***

When we get to Doctor Kenney’s office, we’re escorted straight back to an examination room. I’m given one of those horrid gowns and told to change into it and told that the doctor will be right in.

“Honey, are you sure you want me back here with you?”

“I’m sure, Mom. I probably could handle it now but I do feel a bunch better when you’re with me. Besides, my embarrassment doesn’t come from you being here: it comes from being on my back with my feet in the air and some guy, even if he is my doctor, looking at me down there.”

“Welcome to the world of being a woman, honey.”

I smile at Mom while I take off my skirt and panties. I then climb up on the table and lay the gown across my lap. At Mom’s raised eyebrow I say, “Well the only thing he’s going to check is down there and I figure this would work just as well and it’s a whole lot more comfortable.”

At that point, Doctor Kenney comes into the room with the nurse.

“Well hello there, Alex, Mrs. Conners. How are you feeling these days, Alex?”

“Pretty good, Doctor.”

“Any soreness, problems, anything like that?”

The whole time we’re talking, he’s having me lay back and get my feet up in the stirrups and he’s doing his examination, and I’m turning bright red.

“Um, well there is one thing. I seem to be really, really sensitive down there.”

“You hurt?”

“Um, no. It’s like the nerves are hyper-aware and even the lightest touch, um well, um let’s say it’s intense.”

“Oh, I see. Well that should diminish to a certain extent over time. Some of that sensitivity comes from messing around down there and is common after any surgery. Also, when we did your cosmetic work, we tried very hard to preserve all the nerves we could and you have a lot of them. When we worked on your clitoris, labia and the surrounding area, well the nerves are packed in a smaller area now. That will account for much of what you are experiencing. Like I said, it should diminish over time. Any other issues?”

“No, everything is going great. I’m just trying to get back into shape. Oh, that reminds me, when can I start swimming, wear pants, things like that?”

“You can go back to swimming right away and to wearing pants. You have healed at a remarkable rate. The resilience of youth I suppose. If I could bottle that I’d never have to work again. I do want you to continue to use the ointment we gave you for the next two weeks, and then gradually taper off. Other than that, I’ll want to see you again in three months. If you have any questions or if any problems arise, call or come on in or see your regular doctor.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“You’re welcome, Alex. You’re a remarkable young lady. Best of luck to you and I’ll see you in a few months.”

“Thanks again, Doctor, bye.”

***

As I get re-dressed, Mom calls Ellen to let her know we’re about to leave the office.

As we’re pulling up to get Ellen, I see that she’s just a tad pissed. She’s on her phone and not at all pleased

“Uh oh, maybe I should have taken a cab home.”

Mom just shakes her head.

We pull up and Ellen puts her garment bag in and climbs into the back seat. After slamming the door, she throws a yellow piece of paper at me.

“You’re dead, Alex. Just wait until we get home. I’m going to beat you to death with this phone.”

Just then, her phone rings again. After listening for a minute she yells, “No, I’m not free tonight!” and she hangs up.

I look at my note that says for a good time to call Ellen and it has her number written below.

“Alex, how could you? I didn’t find out about it until my adviser noticed it when I was leaving his office. My phone hasn’t stopped ringing. I think it’s the same guy that keeps calling too.”

“Well it’s just payback for this morning. Truce?”

“Truce, but only if you can get this creep to stop calling me.”

I take her phone and when it rings again I answer, “San Francisco Police Department, Vice Squad, Detective Callahan speaking, may I help you?”

I hand the phone back to Ellen, “Humm, they hung up for some reason. Fancy that.”

“Detective Callahan?” asks Ellen.

“Yeah, Harriett Callahan. You know, this has absolutely made my day.”

At this point, all three of us start to laugh.

XXX

Poor Alex, things just keep on happening to her. Now we have this radio station contest. So how about it, any suggestions on a superhero name for her? Let me know. The winning name will be announced soon.

Luv, Connie

I’d also like to thank, once again, Megan Campbell. I’m a big fan of hers and Alex is a big fan of Sarah Carerra. Thanks Megan for letting me mention your character.

-C

 

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Interlude Part 32.1

“It’s Wednesday at 4:30 and the weather is beautiful here in the Bay area. Welcome back to K-Teen, KTEN, 100.5–the best of the Bay’s Top 40 and that was Just A Beaver, singing Oh baby baby, oh baby, oh baby mine. Not much in the lyrics department but the beat is something you sure can dance to.

“Now in our next non-stop hour we’ll hear from that fab new star, Sarah Carerra, also Josh Holliday singing his latest hit, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and much, much more.

“But first from the station that just keeps on giving, it’s time for a little update on our Name the Superhero contest. The winner of this contest will receive two full passes to Comic Con to be held in San Diego later this summer.

“As you may remember, early this month, young Alex Conners rescued the granddaughter of media mogul John Dempsey in a most spectacular fashion. The video of that rescue and the subsequent film of this remarkable young lady performing Parkour, that crazy running across rooftops sport, led a lot of people to compare her to some kind of a superhero. In that Parkour film she really does look like a young Wonder Woman. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out on YouTube.

“The drawing will be held this Friday, so if you haven’t submitted your entry yet, do so soon. We will draw the winning name from the list of names that had the most votes. So again, vote early and vote often.

“Now, a word from our sponsors.”

XXX

Now don't forget to send me your suggestions. I've got some really good ones so far.

Luv, hugs and all that jazz,

Connie

 

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Interlude Part 32.2

“Welcome back to K-Teen, KTEN, 100.5–the best of the Bay’s Top 40 and that was Just A Beaver, singing his latest hit, I Love Aspen, I Love Pine.

“In our next non-stop hour we’ll hear from Miley Cyrus, Josh Holliday and newcomer Sarah Carerra with her song Intuition which is rocketing up the charts.

“But first from the station that just keeps on giving, it’s now time to draw for the winner of our Name the Superhero contest. The winner will receive two full passes to Comic Con to be held in San Diego later this summer.

“As a reminder, earlier this month young Alex Conners rescued the granddaughter of media mogul John Dempsey in a most spectacular fashion. The video of that rescue and the subsequent film of this remarkable young lady performing Parkour, that crazy running across rooftops sport, led a lot of people to compare her to a superhero. In that Parkour film she really does look like a young Wonder Woman and that in turn inspired this contest. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out on YouTube.

“Anyway, you all have voted what you think Alex’s new superhero name should be. We’re drawing the name from right now and the winner of this contest will not only get these two full passes to the convention, but we’re trying real hard to see if we can’t also get a picture of the winner and Alex together.

“Our people are talking to her people about that. And yes, she has people, they’re called Mom and Dad and boy are they a tough sell.

“We got quite the response to this contest and would like to thank everyone who sent in their entry. So without further ado, the winning superhero name is ‘Catwalk’ submitted by listener, Larry Morse.

“Congratulations, Larry. You have fifteen minutes to call in before we draw a second name.

“Thank you all who participated, and now a word from our sponsors.”

Part 33

Journal Entry: May 29^th

Okay. This is going to be a quick entry but I needed some way to get this anger out of my system and you my dear Journal are it.

You see, I’m just pissed off and tired of everyone either trying to shelter me from something, or tricking me into doing something, or just plain playing these games with me. Now I’ll admit that sometimes a bit of trickery may be the easiest way to get me on board with something, but damn it I want a say in my life!

Now I’m sure that you’re scratching your head wondering just what in the heck I’m talking about. Well I just found out that for lunch I have to be at some event for the Twins’ scouts and it’s a good thing that no one in this family can lie worth a damn or I wouldn’t have found out that this is for some award thing in my honor and that the press will be there. UGH!

No one asked me if this was something I wanted and if I hadn’t ferreted out that this was more than just a family pre-jamboree get together, then I would have been caught totally flat-footed.

I am just so pissed! I am so tired of all the games and tricks and I guess that this was just the last straw. I really laid into everyone, maybe a bit too much, but I’m not going to apologize. At least not for this getting me upset.

Now I was sorely tempted to tell everyone that there was no way I was going, but then I started to feel guilty for disappointing people and ARGH! Why do I have to be like this? How come I can’t tell people, ‘no’ and have it stick? I am such a pushover. {Insert primal scream here!}

There’s a song in the show, Oklahoma, that’s about a girl that just can’t say no. That’s my theme song apparently.

I’m just a girl who cain’t say no
I’m in a terrible fix
I always say come on let’s go
Jist when I orta say nix

Crap. This is so unfair.

There, venting done. I’ll write more later.

End Journal Entry

***

I’m standing in front of my closet in my underwear trying to figure out just what I am going to wear to this blasted scouting event when someone knocks on my door.

“Yes?”

Mom sticks her head in the room and asks, “Is it safe to come in now?”

“That depends on if there are going to be any more surprises. This really is getting to me, Mom.”

“I know, honey and I’m sorry. I guess your father and I have been as guilty as any for treating you like that. Forgive us?”

I just can’t stay mad at my family. I smile and say, “Only if you help me figure out what to wear to this damned thing.”

“Sure, honey, just watch your language,” Mom replies, smiling.

“Oops, sorry. Anyway, I guess I should wear a dress, but I just can’t figure out which one.”

“Well, how about your navy wrap dress and your navy pumps? That would look very nice.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. Now in the interest of full disclosure, I want to make sure you know everything I do about what’s going to happen today.

“First, the scouts are going to give you an award for what you did, then the Red Cross is going to give you something and Elizabeth and the Dempseys will be there, too. Since this is kind of a big deal, there will be some press there but they’ll only have a couple of questions plus they’ll want to get some pictures of you and Elizabeth together.

“After all of this, we’ll all come back here. Okay?”

“No, not okay, but I guess I have no choice. I don’t really feel comfortable getting some award. I just did what anyone would have done.”

Mom comes over and gives me a hug.

“But not just anyone did it, honey. And your attitude makes me very proud. Now finish up dressing, we’ll be leaving shortly.”

“Okay, Mom, thanks.”

***

There are several scout troops in our area and prior to the big summer jamboree, they all go in together to rent a hall to have a family get together. As we pull into the parking lot and I see all of the cars that are there, plus several TV news trucks, well my anxiety level shoots through the roof.

“Um, guys? I think I’ll just wait for you all here.”

“Hey, sis, it’s okay. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“Oh geeze, guys, I really hate this. Do I look okay?”

“‘Does she look okay?’ she asks. Alex, we could have dressed you in burlap and dragged you here behind the car and you’d still look great. You’re just fine. Try to relax, okay?”

“Yeah, easy for you to say. Hey, that’s an idea, why don’t you get up in front of everyone in my place?”

“’Cause you’re the one being honored today, not me. Come on, you’re with friends and family. It will be okay.”

“Okay, but if I faint, I’m going to land on you.”

Once inside, we’re greeted by just about everybody and shown to our table in the front near the head tables and the lectern. Great, nowhere to hide here. Fortunately the rest of the twins’ troop is at the surrounding tables so there are some familiar faces around. Some of the faces are bordering on leering but at least they’re familiar.

What is it about pre-teen and teenage boys? Wave anything remotely female in front of them and ‘BAM’ they start drooling and doing the whole nudge, nudge, wink, wink thing. Both Ellen and even Mom are getting the looks, too. Where’s a bucket of cold water when you need one?

As I was sitting down, trying to look invisible, I was also trying to see if I could spot the Dempseys and Elizabeth–no luck though.

We all eventually settle down and take our seats. The various troops go through their presentations of awards and promotions until it’s the twins’ troop’s turn.

Their scoutmaster goes up and they do their awards and promotions then it looks like it’s my turn. Several additional people go up to the lectern and our scoutmaster starts talking.

“Now not too long ago, our troop was scheduled to do our water rescue and Red Cross CPR training at the local pool, but because of circumstances beyond our control, the pool had to close.

“Now everyone here knows how difficult it can be to reschedule something like that, but fortunately Mrs. Conners, the mother of two of our scouts, Mark and Bill, graciously offered the use of their pool to do the training in. We quickly accepted and we were even able to get Bill and Mark’s sister to assist as we needed an extra body to fill out the training teams. Everything went smoothly and our scouts got their merit badges and their Red Cross certifications.

“Little did we all know that the training we just went through would be put to use so quickly. Within twenty-four hours, Bill and Mark’s sisters, Ellen and Alex were walking down by the marina, when Alex saw a little girl by the name of Elizabeth Morgan fall off a boat and into the water.

“Without hesitation, Alex rushed to her rescue and after several tense moments was able to not only rescue this little girl from drowning, but get her breathing again and keep her well until the paramedics could arrive at the scene.

“Once Alex was assured that Elizabeth was fine, she collapsed with what turned out to be a ruptured appendix.

“Alex’s selfless acts are in the highest honor of the Scouts and it is therefore my pleasure to make Alex an honorary member of the Scouts and of Troop 479. Alex, would you please come forward?”

Blushing furiously, I get up and make my way to the lectern to receive my certificate. There’s a ton of applause and camera flashes going off.

I’m about to turn and go back to my seat after getting the certificate when the scoutmaster says, “Oh we’re not done with you yet. Now that you’re a scout, I’d like to introduce Bill Masters, the national chairman for the Scouts. Bill?”

Another man comes up and says, “Thank you, John and thank you, Alex for your quick thinking and representing the ideals that the Scouts strive for.

“It is now my honor to present you with the Medal of Honor. This medal is presented to Scouts who have shown courage in saving and attempting to save the lives of others with personal risk to their own. We believe that you more than qualify for this.”

Amid more applause, he pins a medal to my dress. I thank him and shake his hand.

As things begin to settle down, I’m told again that there’s more to come.

Shelia Allen from the local chapter of the Red Cross is introduced and comes up to the lectern. I’m still standing there, and I’m sure I’m glowing bright red from embarrassment.

“Alex is the ultimate example for someone caring for the welfare of another,” says Ms. Allen. “We’re grateful for her swift actions that averted what could have been a tragedy. It is therefore my great privilege to present her with this Certificate of Merit. Thank you, Alex.”

The scoutmaster gets back to the microphone and says, “We just have one more presentation for you, Alex, before you disappear.”

From the back of the room I see the Dempseys and with them is Elizabeth holding a bouquet of flowers.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with emotion from seeing her. As Elizabeth starts to walk forward I come around the lectern and when Elizabeth sees me fully, she drops the flowers and runs towards me. I drop to my knees and soon we’re hugging. Everyone else is forgotten for the moment.

When I become aware of my surroundings again, I notice that everyone is on their feet clapping. Flashes are going off and there’s a TV camera nearby filming us.

Elizabeth won’t let go of my neck and quite frankly I really don’t want to let go of her right now, either. It’s so nice to see this beautiful little girl safe.

I look up and there are the Dempseys smiling down at us. Mr. Dempsey has the bouquet of flowers in his hand.

I stand up, taking Elizabeth with me, and with my free arm I give the Dempseys a hug.

When the applause dies down, everyone is looking at me expectantly and I realize that I’m expected to say something now.

“Thank you, thank you all. I really don’t know what to say, this is all so overwhelming for me. I don’t really think I deserve all this. The Red Cross trains people every day and through their training, people are saved everyday and they don’t get the recognition that I have, yet they deserve it no less.

“The Scouts do so much for so very many without the thanks I’ve received. Heck they can keep my brothers in line and that’s a miracle.

“The best recognition for what I’ve done isn’t the medal or certificates I’ve received. They’re very nice and I’ll cherish them, the best thing I could get is seeing this little girl here safe and sound. She’s so beautiful.”

I have to pause to stop the tears and regain control. “Thank you all again, thank you very much.”

“Miss Conners, Alex. Is this the first time you’ve met Elizabeth?” a reporter calls out.

“Yes it is. I’m looking forward to the time I actually get to see her face.”

Elizabeth has had her face buried in my neck since we met and she doesn’t look like she’s going to let go anytime soon.

“Alex, what do you think of the winning superhero name they came up for you?”

“I’m afraid that ‘A’ I’m not really a superhero, and ‘B’ I haven’t heard what it is yet. What is it?”

“I heard that the winning name was, ‘Catwalk.’ What do you think?”

“I think the radio station had a lot of fun with that and congratulations to the winners.”

Inside I cringed, I couldn’t believe that I was now going to be followed around by this for years to come, yuck. At least it’s better than some of the names that were submitted. The questions continue for a few more minutes then we call an end to things so people can have their lunch.

I am more than grateful as Elizabeth is really getting heavy. I also really don’t like having all of the attention directed at me. We all go back to our table and Elizabeth sits on my lap. I finally have a chance to get a good look at her. She really is a beautiful little girl. She has long white-blonde hair and beautiful grey eyes and when she smiles, she has the cutest dimples. Needless to say we bond immediately and soon we are chattering away with each other.

***

With the noise level in the hall being pretty loud and everyone stopping by our table, we all could hardly think much less hold a conversation. So it is decided that we’ll all go back to our house except the twins who want to stay with their troop for a bit longer.

Elizabeth however, does not want to be separated from me. She holds on to me like a limpet, so I say that I’ll ride back with the Dempseys in their car.

The Dempseys have a limousine with a driver, so I make out in that deal. Once we get into the car, Elizabeth snuggles up to me and I put my arm around her.

“It looks like you’ve made a new friend,” says Mrs. Dempsey.

Smiling down at Elizabeth I reply, “So has she. Thank you so much for coming today. I really appreciate it.”

“It is our great pleasure, my dear, and the least we could do for our hero,” says Mr. Dempsey.

“What’s a ‘ero’?” asks Elizabeth.

“The word is ‘hero’, dear heart,” says Mrs. Dempsey. “It refers to someone who does something very brave and worthy of praise.”

“I really don’t think I’m a hero, ma’am.”

“You’re my hero,” says Elizabeth as she gives me a big hug.

“Alex, I believe you just lost that argument,” says a smiling Mr. Dempsey.

Smiling back I say, “I think you’re right, sir.”

In almost no time we’re pulling up to my house and we all go inside. I immediately excuse myself so I can go up to my room and change.

“Elizabeth, would you like to see my room?”

“Okay,” and she takes my hand and we go on upstairs.

Once in my room, I change into a pair of jeans and a nice blouse. Elizabeth is looking around at the posters on my wall.

“Who’s that?” she asks, pointing to some of my posters.

“Well, that’s Taylor Swift, and that one is Sarah Carerra, and that one is Miley Cyrus. They’re three of my favorite singers. Want to hear some of their music?”

“Sure.” So I plug my MP3 player in and turn it on.

“Is this your bear?”

“Yes it is. That’s Mr. Beau Jangles and he’s one of my best friends. Do you have a bear?”

“No, I have a dolly, her name is Samantha. She isn’t as big as your bear.”

Elizabeth pulls out my favorite book from my shelf. “That’s the story of The Velveteen Rabbit. Have you ever heard it before?”

“No, will you read it to me?”

“Sure, it’s one of my favorite stories.”

We climb up on my bed and with me holding Elizabeth and Elizabeth holding Beau, I begin the story of The Velveteen Rabbit.

***

I’m awakened later by a camera flash going off. Opening my eyes, I see Mom with her camera.

“Hey, honey, I couldn’t resist. That’s the type of photo you see on Hallmark cards. The two of you look great together.”

Wrapped in my arms with her head resting on my chest is Elizabeth.

“She’s so beautiful. Mom, did holding us make you feel all gooey inside?”

Chuckling, Mom replies, “It still does. I think you’re going to make a wonderful mother some day.”

“Whoa, not me.”

“Well, not for a while yet, please, but yes, you. You’re very good with children and they obviously love you. Elizabeth certainly does and I don’t think she’ll be the exception. Now, how about we wake up sleeping beauty there and go downstairs. Your brothers got home a little while ago and dinner will be ready in a bit.”

“Okay, Mom. Hey there, sleepyhead, time to wake up.” I gently shake Elizabeth and she opens her eyes. She looks up and smiling she hugs me tight and kisses me on the cheek.

I didn’t think it was possible but my heart melts even more. Mom just gives me a knowing chuckle.

“Come on, you two. You’ve both had a nice little nap but you need to get up and join the rest of us. Now scurry into the bathroom and freshen up.”

So we do as Mom says and Elizabeth and I soon rejoin her and head downstairs.

“Honey, I know you got upset earlier about surprises and I know we promised that there wouldn’t be any more, but I’m afraid that sometimes they just can’t be helped.”

I turn to Mom just as we get downstairs. “Mom, what are you talking about?”

Mom turns me to the family room.

“SURPRISE! Happy Birthday, Alex!”

There in the family room are the Dempseys and all my family, along with a whole bunch of balloons.

“A party, a party!” shouts Elizabeth.

I say, “Oh you guys. I should tell you that you shouldn’t have but instead I’ll just say ‘it’s about time’!”

“Well come on, sis” says Ellen, “Take a seat so we can get this show on the road.”

I go over and sit on the couch and Elizabeth is running around playing with all of the balloons. I think she thinks that this party is for her.

There’s a pile of presents on the coffee table and my fingers begin to itch wanting to tear into them. Ellen chuckles at seeing my reaction. She’s as bad as I am when it comes to opening presents.

After everyone gets settled, which includes Elizabeth being right next to me to be my official present opener, the twins come forward.

“Here Alex...”

“...open ours first.”

“Let me open it, let me,” says Elizabeth.

So Elizabeth rips the paper off and hands me the small box.

Inside the box is a set of beautifully enameled earrings.

“Guys, this is so nice.”

“They’re miniature copies of...”

“...our water rescue merit badge.”

“They’re beautiful, guys, thank you.”

“Okay, mine next,” says Ellen.

Ellen moves a stack of boxes in front of Elizabeth and says, “Okay, Elizabeth, just one at a time.”

Inside the first box is a variety of what I think are hose. Ellen soon corrects me.

“They’re stockings. They are called ‘hold-ups’ or ‘stay-ups’ and you are going to like them a whole lot more than regular hose. Just be careful with them as they are more delicate than normal hose.”

“Wow, sis, these feel real nice.”

“Okay, now the next box.”

Ellen is as excited as I am over these presents.

I giggle and Elizabeth, aka the Shred-O-Matic, soon has the next box relieved of its wrapping paper.

Inside this one is a variety of very nice bras and panties. I can’t wait to check all of them out, but that will have to wait. The twins would freak out and well with everyone here...never mind.

The third and last box has a set of beautiful pale-pink silk pajamas with a mandarin collar.

“Oh, Ellen, thank you so much. These, everything, are so wonderful.” And I give Ellen a huge hug.

Our hug is interrupted by Elizabeth saying there’s more presents to unwrap.

The next present is from Mom.

Elizabeth is only slightly slowed down by the ribbon on this one but soon has the box stripped of its wrapping paper, too.

“My own cell phone! This is so great!”

“Well, your father and I felt that it was time you had one.”

“Thanks, guys.”

“Here’s another, here’s another. Can I open it?” says Elizabeth.

“Hey, it’s from Robbyn, it finally got here,” I say.

In a cloud of confetti, Elizabeth hands me the box. Inside is a large plain yellow tee shirt with block printing on the back that says, ‘My best friend goes to Europe and all she sent me was this stupid shirt.’ She is such a goof. I sure wish she was here.

“Here’s another,” says Elizabeth.

This one is from Mom and Dad together. Once the wrapping paper has been magically rendered down to its molecular parts, I open it up.

“They’re yoga exercise clothing. We thought they would be more comfortable for you when you exercise.”

“Wow, Mom, Dad, these are really nice. Thank you.”

I look around and that’s it. That’s it?

Dad comes over and hands me a small and a large envelope.

“Here you go, honey, open the small one first.”

I do and inside is a gift certificate for two for the day spa that Mom, Ellen and I went to–very cool.

I open the large envelope and inside is my birth certificate. Only this is a new one and it now reads ‘Alexandra Olivia Conners’.

My eyes are tearing up. “Olivia?”

“Well, had your father and I known you were a girl when you were born, that’s the name we would have given you. It was your grandmother’s name. Is it all right?”

Crying I get up and give my Mom and Dad a huge hug.

“It’s perfect, thank you, Dad, thank you, Mom. You guys are the best.”

I sit back down and am showing my new birth certificate to Ellen when Mr. Dempsey clears his throat.

“Alex, we wanted to thank you for including us in your birthday celebration.”

“I’m glad you guys are here. We haven’t known each other long, but it feels like we have. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense and we feel the same way about you and all of your family. I understand that you’re a fan of Sarah Carerra?”

“Yes sir, very much so.”

“Well, we made some calls, and we understand that in about two weeks she may be on the Tonight Show. Now it’s not certain yet, but if she is, would you like to be our guest? It would be our present to you.”

“Really? Oh my god that would be so cool! Thank you so much.”

“It’s our pleasure.”

Mom then says, “Honey, you have one more present.”

Looking around I don’t see any more. At that point, the doorbell rings.

“That should be it. Why don’t you go answer it?”

Shrugging my shoulders, I head up to answer the door.

When I open it, I’m sure my scream can be heard all over the state.

“ROBBYN!”

 

---

 

Part 34

“ROBBYN!”

There standing on our front porch, bouncing up and down and clapping her hands is Robbyn.

“Ohmygod, how did you get here? When did you get here? I can’t believe you’re here. Ohmygod!” And then Robbyn and I are hugging and crying and bouncing up and down and I just don’t want to let her go.

“Surprise! Are you surprised? I bet you are. You should just see your face. I should have had my camera ready, your look is just priceless. Ohmygod, I can’t believe that I’m finally here. I’ve been travelling for like forever. You look fantastic. My god you’ve changed so much. This is soo great, we totally surprised you didn’t we? I knew we would. Hee-hee.”

“So why aren’t you in Europe? Are your folks here too? Where are they? This is soo great; I can’t believe you’re really here. Surprised, me? Heck yeah I’m surprised. Ohmygod!”

“GIRLS!”

Robbyn and I both stop talking and turn and there’s Mom with an amused look on her face. “Lordy, don’t get two teenage girls started like that! Alex, why don’t you let Robbyn come inside?”

“Oh, OH! I’m sorry. Well come inside, come inside. So when did you get here? Why didn’t anyone tell me you were coming? Are your folks going to be here? My god you look fantastic! I love what you did to your hair: that shoulder-grazing bob you got is a total dream, I love the new color and that blouse is gorgeous. You’re going to have to let me try it on. Geeze I can’t wait to get you all caught up on what’s been happening. You just won’t believe it, you just won’t. Why are you laughing?”

And she was too. Not only her, but Mom was laughing as well.

“What’s so funny, you two?”

Robbyn points at me amid her laughter and says, “You are, you sound like me.”

I pause and think on just how I’ve been acting and I start to laugh, too, as I did sound just like her.

“Okay, you got me there, but you being here, you did, you totally surprised me so I think I have a right to babble on a bit.”

“Hey, I don’t babble.”

“Welllll, sometimes. Anyway, let me introduce you to some people.”

Laughing, I lead her into the family room where everyone is still waiting.

“Robbyn, you of course know Mom and Dad and my brothers. This is Ellen my sister and this is John and Romona Dempsey. They’re the grandparents of this little beauty and my littlest BFF, Elizabeth Morgan. Everyone, this is my very best friend, Robbyn Anderson. Ohmygod, I still can’t believe you’re here.”

After all of the introductions are made, Elizabeth starts dancing around singing, “Cake, cake, wonderful cake, it’s time for birthday cake, cake, cake.”

This gets us all laughing and Mom chimes in and says, “No cake until after dinner which we’re putting on the grill right now. Robert, why don’t you and the boys get Robbyn’s things and bring them up to the guest room.

“Alex, why don’t you grab your presents and you girls can take them up to your room. We’ll call you down in a bit for dinner.”

“Okay, Mom. Here, Elizabeth, can you carry this? Ellen, are you coming up?”

“Sure, we can look through the stuff I got you. Hee-hee.”

So we all grab some stuff and head up to my room. Once there I set Elizabeth up on my bed with some paper and crayons and she immediately gets busy creating works of art.

I turn to Robbyn and say, “Okay, you, start talking. Why are you here, not that I’m complaining mind you but where are your folks, how long are you staying, the works?”

“Hee-hee. We so got you, Alex. The look on your face was priceless. So anyway, the main reason we were doing this big trip all over Europe was ’cause daddy had conferences to go to and other doctors to consult with and yada, yada, yada. Now don’t get me wrong, at first it was a total blast, I mean London was so supercool and the shopping is to die for. I put a serious dent in daddy’s credit card there and well just about everywhere we went. Hee-hee. Stockholm is absolutely lovely and just about every place in France we went to was like, totally amazing. But after awhile the fun went out of it and I was missing you and I was missing just hanging and not at some hotel. Then all the stuff happening with you was going on and well, my mom and your mom started talking and it was decided that I’d come stay with you for the rest of the summer.”

“The rest of the summer? Are you kidding me? Ohmygod we are going to have sooo much fun! Oh, you’ve got to see this.” And I hand her my new birth certificate.

“Alexandra Olivia? That is soo pretty. Happy birthday Alexandra Olivia Conners.” And Robbyn gives me a huge hug.

“Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got something for you in one of my bags.” And she dashes out of my room, then comes right back in. “Um, where’s my room?”

Laughing, I point to across the hall.

Chuckling, Ellen says, “Your friend is a total goof. I like her and she’ll fit in here perfectly.”

“What you see with Robbyn is what you get. She’s the most genuine person you’ll ever meet.”

“Okay, I’m really dying to show you all of the new lingerie I got you. I think you’re absolutely going to loooove it.”

I open up the box with the bras and panties and start to go through it.

“Oh, Ellen, these are nice.”

“I figured you needed some special lingerie. Sometimes even if you’re the only one who knows you’re wearing it, the right kind of lingerie can make you feel just great. You won’t wear these every day, but occasionally or for special occasions you’ll want them.”

“Um, and this?” I ask, holding up what looks like black dental floss.

“That, dear sister, is a thong.”

“A thong? Hee-hee. Like I’m going to wear this? It looks awfully uncomfortable.”

“They aren’t that bad once you get used to them and you won’t show panty lines while you wear them.”

At this point, Robbyn comes back carrying two boxes. “Oooh, sexy underwear. Verrry nice. Try it on.”

“I can’t do that!”

“Why the heck not? It’s just us girls. Lemme see ya in those.”

“Yeah, sis, let me see how they look on you.”

“You guys. I can see it starting again already. Only now it’s going to be worse.”

“What are you talking about?” asks Ellen.

“Robbyn, she’s always talking me into doing things. Now I bet the two of you are going to gang up on me.”

“Hey, now there’s a thought,” says Robbyn.

Sticking my tongue out at the two of them, I begin to take my clothes off.

“Alex stuck her tongue out, Alex stuck her tongue out,” chants Elizabeth before breaking down in giggles.

Her giggles are infectious and soon all of us are giggling.

I take off the last of my clothes and Robbyn says, “Holy cow! Boy have you changed!”

“No?”

“Yes you have.”

“No, not boy. Me girl.”

“What? Oh you, you know what I mean. Geeze, your body is amazing. You need to tell me what vitamins you take, I need to get some too.”

“You don’t need them: your body is pretty spectacular, you know.”

“It’s not too bad, but yours is va va va voom.”

Blushing, I pull up the thong and boy howdy is this a new experience. Ellen is giggling at my discomfiture and Robbyn says, “You get used to it real fast, don’t worry.”

“How would you know?”

Robbyn turns her back to me and pulls the top of her jeans down a couple of inches. It’s obvious that she’s wearing a pink thong herself.

“Robbyn, since when did you start wearing a thong?”

As I put on the matching black lace bra, she replies, “For about a month now. Mom and I were shopping and I made a comment about them. My comment was much like yours, and mom ended up getting me some. I don’t wear them every day, but I do like them. Wow, sexy lady. Do a spin for us.”

Blushing, I give a quick turn. Ellen gives me a wolf whistle then says, “Oh, I know.” She then turns and opens the box with the stockings and pulls out a black pair.

“Here, put these on. You’ll need to roll them up carefully.”

As I do that, Robbyn starts to rummage around in my closet.

“What on earth are you looking for?”

“Hold on, you’ll see.”

I roll the stockings up and the difference between these and pantyhose is like night and day.

“Tada!” exclaims Robbyn as she pulls out a pair of my black heels that I haven’t worn yet–mainly because these have about a four-inch heel and I keep thinking that I’m going to break my neck in them.

“These will be perfect, put them on.”

Knowing that it’s useless to argue, I do as I’m told. Once I get them on I stand up and I’m surprised that I’m not nearly as shaky as I thought I’d be.

“Wow, sis, you look like you just fell out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Take a look in the mirror.”

I walk on over to the closet door and my image is startling. Wow, I do look nice.

“I feel naughty wearing all of this.”

“Alex, you’re not naughty, you’re nice,” pipes in Elizabeth.

“Thanks, sweetie.”

“Oh, oh, I know. Open my presents now.”

“Presents? More presents, yeah!” yells Elizabeth.

“Open this one first,” says Robbyn.

“Okay, squirt, help me with this,” I say to Elizabeth.

In record time, the wrapping paper is a mere memory and I’m shaking the box trying to guess what it is.

“It’s heavy.”

“Open it,” say Elizabeth, Robbyn and Ellen all together.

“Okay, okay. Oh Robbyn, this is nice. A leather jacket.” Inside is a beautiful distressed black leather jacket with purple silk lining.

“Oh you shouldn’t have.”

“When Mom and I were in Stockholm, we ran across this cute little second hand shop and I couldn’t resist as they had one almost the exactly the same but in white leather. I got that one for myself. Try it on.”

I put it on and it fits perfectly.

“This is really nice, Robbyn, thank you so much.”

“Okay, now the next one, now the next one.” Robbyn is practically beside herself.

Laughing, I say to Elizabeth, “Okay, Elizabeth, last one.”

Under the small mushroom cloud generated by Elizabeth’s enthusiastic destruction of the wrapping paper, I open the box and inside is...black fur?

“What is it?” I ask Robbyn.

“Well, take it out of the box, silly.”

I do and see it’s a fur hat with a Soviet red star surrounded by a gold wreath.

“Hey, this is nice.”

“It’s called a ushanka. I got one too in white. They’re supposed to be genuine Soviet military officer hats. Not sure if they are or not but they sure look cool.”

I put it on and look back into the mirror.

“This is really nice. Thank you, Robbyn.”

“You’re welcome. Boy, you look even more exotic now.”

At that point, there’s a knock at the door and Mom sticks her head inside.

“Girls, dinner is ready.”

“Okay, Mom, we’ll be right down.”

“Nice jacket, love the hat. But you might want to put something else on. I’d rather not give your father a heart attack or get him thinking that he needs to buy a gun to chase away suitors. Besides, we have company.”

Blushing I say, “Yes, Ma’am.”

Mom gives a small chuckle and closes the door.

I quickly kick off my heels and take off the hat and jacket. I grab my jeans and pull them on and then my blouse. I button my blouse while slipping on my flats. In seconds flat I’m ready and we all head on downstairs with Elizabeth showing everyone her artwork and me walking funny ’cause I’m wearing this damned thong.

***

I’ve never worn stockings under my jeans before and it really is quite different. Not bad, but definitely different, kinda nice actually. This thong is a different story. It’s really going to take some getting used to. I keep wanting to reach back and pull it out. Unfortunately there’s nothing that I can do about it at the moment.

Ellen and Elizabeth rush on ahead and Robbyn and I are kinda lagging behind when Robbyn stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns to face me.

I’m a step higher so she’s nose to boobs.

Robbyn gives out an appreciative, “Hmm,” then says, “nice, but not what I was looking for.”

She hops up to my step, looks at me then hops up one more step and gives me a solid kiss then a hug.

“I’ve missed you so much, Alex. I’m so glad I’m here now.”

“I’ve really missed you too, Robbyn.”

“We’ve got a lot to catch up on. I for one, can’t wait.”

And with that, she gives my butt a little squeeze and my lips a quick kiss and she’s off to the kitchen giggling as she goes.

I’m left standing there on the stairs feeling a warm glowing tingle move throughout my body and with what I’m sure is a stupid expression on my face, I join Mom and Robbyn in the kitchen.

“Hey, Mom, anything I can do to help?”

“Nope, Robbyn’s helping me and you’re the birthday girl so go on outside and sit. It’s so nice out that I thought we’d eat out there.”

“Okay,” and I snag a crouton from the salad bowl on my way out. Mom gives me a playful swat and I’m out the door.

Elizabeth is showing the Dempseys her masterpieces when I join them. Apparently she’s done portraits of all of us. The twins are helping Dad at the grill and the smell of the steaks cooking is making my mouth water.

I join the Dempseys at the table and we all ooh and aah over Elizabeth’s drawings. They’re actually kinda cute.

“Looks like you have a budding artist on your hands.”

“She’s always liked drawing,” says Mrs. Dempsey. “I understand you’re a bit of an artist yourself.”

“Oh nothing great but I do enjoy it. I’d like to try my hand at sculpting sometime. That might be fun.”

At this point plates are being delivered and everyone starts to get settled.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my Dad is a genius when it comes to cooking on the barbeque and today was no exception. The steaks were de-lish as was everything else.

As a testament to just how good everything was, there was hardly any conversation going on until the dishes were being cleared away.

About the only thing said was Dad asking me, “Alex, are you okay? You’re squirming an awful lot in your chair.”

Blushing, I say, “I’m fine.”

Ellen and Robbyn start to giggle and when I look up, Mom has a knowing smile on her face.

Oh gods, can I blush any more?

After we’re all done and while Ellen and the twins are clearing the dishes, Mr. Dempsey asks me, “Alex, have you given any thought to what you’re going to do with your new-found fame?”

“Me, famous? I don’t think so, sir.”

“Oh you are. Were you aware that you have over seventy-five million hits on YouTube? And the count is growing.”

“I had no idea it was so high.”

“Do you mind if I give you my thoughts?”

“Not at all, sir.”

“Good,” says Mrs. Dempsey, “He’d give them to you anyway.”

“Very funny. But seriously, Alex, the way I see it you have one of two choices. First you can do nothing and wait everything out and eventually the public will forget about you. I don’t think that will be very easy to do, however. You’re the type of person that draws attention and draws events to happen.

“The second thing you can do is to take advantage of the situation. The benefit to this is you’ll define events instead of reacting to them this way, and in the process you could make yourself a bit of money to boot.”

“Wow, sir, I haven’t even thought about any of that. I guess that I’ve just been hoping that it will all just go away.”

“I know you have. I want to ask you something. I’ve already mentioned this to your parents but I wanted to bring it to you directly.”

“Yes, sir?”

“As you know, my wife’s and my business is publishing. As publishers, we have a whole host of advertisers, some of them that we deal with on a continual basis.

One of these advertisers has contacted me to see if you would be interested in a business proposition. They’d like to use you in one of their commercials.”

“What!?” I was stunned.

“That would be soo cool, Alex,” says Robbyn.

“They’ve seen your video and think that they could use not only your talents, but your obvious commercial looks to help sell their product. They have asked me if I could put them in touch with you. Romona and I have talked to your parents about this but they feel the choice is yours. I agree.”

“Um, sir, who is this? Who wants to talk with me?”

“The person who contacted me is Alfred Julian. He’s the marketing director for Nike.”

“Nike? As in the shoes, that Nike?”

“That’s the one. They want you for at least one of their ‘Just do it’ television spots.”

“Ohmygod, Alex, you have to do it!” exclaims Robbyn.

“I think I need to think about this a bit. Is that okay, sir?”

“More than okay, Alex. I know this is quite a bit to throw at you but it could be a very good opportunity for you. Discuss it with your parents and if I can give you any advice, I’ll be more than happy to do so.”

I was completely stunned that anyone, much less a big company like Nike would want to use me in a commercial. I was so preoccupied that I missed the beginning of Happy Birthday being sung.

Breaking out of my reverie, I look up to see Ellen and the twins coming out with a candle-lit birthday cake.

Elizabeth is hopping up and down in her chair saying, “Birthday cake, birthday cake, yeah!”

So after having Elizabeth help me blow out the candles, we all have some cake; Elizabeth ends up wearing a good portion of hers.

After finishing the cake and getting everything cleaned up, including Elizabeth, we settle in the family room.

“Mr. and Mrs. Dempsey?”

“Yes, Alex?”

“Have you two seen the YouTube video?”

Mrs. Dempsey says, “To be perfectly honest, I’m afraid we haven’t, just the little that has been on the news.”

“Well, I have the full video from my Parkour run here if you’d like to see it. I’d kinda like to get your opinion on whether or not you think I could actually do a commercial.”

“We’d love to see it,” says Mr. Dempsey.

So I get up and grab the CD and load the film.

“Now keep in mind that this is just the raw footage of the run. Monkey, the guy who took the film, is editing it all together–apparently with some enhancements.” That last part I make with a glare at Ellen. She sticks her tongue out at me in return.

We all sit through the scenes with me providing commentary on what all is going on.

When it’s done Mrs. Dempsey says, “I nearly had a heart-attack at that last bit.”

Mr. Dempsey says, “Alex, this was the raw footage?”

“Yes, sir.”

“No editing and all of that was you? No wires, fancy trick photography or anything?”

“No, sir, I mean yes, sir. What I mean is no, there was no editing and I didn’t use any wires or trick photography. That was all me doing everything.”

“Amazing. Would it be possible for me to get a copy of that? I’d like to show it to Alfred–that is if you decide you’d like to see him. I don’t think he fully realizes your abilities and that footage could get you top dollar for doing the commercial.”

“Sure, I can burn a copy for you before you leave.”

“Thank you.”

“Um, so you guys really think I could do this?” I look at Mom, Dad and the Dempseys.

Dad says, “I’m sure you could, but only if it’s something that you want to do.”

“Honey, your Father’s right. You have the type of presence that I think would do well. I know you don’t like being the center of attention or being around crowds, but you’d never tell by looking at you. If you want to give it a shot, then your Father and I will support you,” says Mom.

“That’s just it, Mom. One part of me thinks that this would be so cool to do, you know? But at the same time the thought scares the bejeebees out of me. You’re right, I don’t like crowds and I don’t like being the center of attention, but the thought of someone like Nike wanting to use me in a commercial is wild. I mean, who wouldn’t want to do that? I just don’t know.”

“Alex, dear,” says Mrs. Dempsey, “I’ve been a part of many a commercial shoot. They really try to keep the numbers on set to a minimum and everyone is very professional. Also, as a minor, you’d have someone from your family with you on set all of the time. That might help. It’s something to think about at least.

“Also, think about this: you come across very well on camera. You have the look that people want to sell their products. This is more than you just being an attractive girl, there are thousands of pretty girls out there, but you have the ‘look’–that special ‘it’ that is often talked about but never properly described.

“I’m not just telling you this to be nice, it’s my business to know what sells and what doesn’t. If you wanted to do commercials or go into modeling, you could do very well my dear.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Dempsey. Let me go burn a copy of this CD while I think on it.”

I grab the CD and head up to my room. Robbyn, who looks like she’s just about to explode, follows me up. When we get to my room, she practically does.

“Ohmygod, Alex, you’re going to be a star! You’re going to do it aren’t you? Say you’re going to do it. This will be soo cool, tell me you’re going to do this.”

“I don’t know, Robbyn. I’d like to; you’re right, it would be very cool, I just don’t know if I could handle doing it, though. The thought kinda scares me–no let me be honest: it scares the living crap out of me.”

“Hmm, okay then, I can see that. Think on this, though, you were scared when I got you to wear a skirt and we went to the movies, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, you know I was.”

“But you did it, and before long you were no longer scared, in fact you were having fun, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, but this is different.”

“I don’t see how, but even if it is, you’ll never know until you try. I also bet that if you don’t do this, you’ll be kicking yourself about this forever.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Didn’t you know?”

“What?”

“I’m always right. I thought you would have figured that out by now. You’re kinda slow, aren’t you?”

My response is to grab her and begin tickling her. Robbyn is really, really ticklish.

“Enough! Enough!” Robbyn gasps a couple of minutes later, “Your CD is done.”

I stop and look down at her. I still have her pinned and am sitting across her hips. We’re both breathing heavily and she’s flushed and I see the laughter sparkling in her eyes. Looking at her, I get a funny feeling and impulsively I lean down and kiss her quickly on the lips, then hop up, grab the CD and all but run from the room.

I pause at the bottom of the stairs to catch my breath and compose myself. What on earth is going on with me? I feel...I don’t know what it is. It’s like I’m excited but not quite, happy but that isn’t it either. My stomach is fluttering and my heart is racing, like I’ve just done a major Parkour run.

I take a few deep breaths and things calm down a bit and I now think I can face people again. One more deep breath and I go back into the family room.

“Here you go, Mr. Dempsey,” and I hand him the CD. “Um, and I think you can let that Mr. Julian guy know that I’ll talk with him. I mean, I still don’t know if this is something I can do, but I’ll at least listen to what he has to say. He can call Mom or Dad to set things up. Is that okay?”

“Fine, that’s fine. I’ll be sure to tell him. Now as much as I hate to do this, I’m afraid that we must be going. This has been a very enjoyable day for us, thank you for including us in your celebration.”

“Oh thank you for being here and for the chance to meet with Elizabeth. She’s such a doll.”

“Well she’s certainly taken with you right away and as soon as I hear something about the ‘Tonight Show’ tickets, I’ll let you and your parents know. Now speaking of Elizabeth, where did she go?”

Mom says, “I believe that she and Ellen went off together.”

“I’ll get her, Mom.” And I run back upstairs.

Back in my room, Robbyn is gone. I quickly go through my pile of stuffed animals until I find Beau’s little twin. It’s a bear that looks just like Beau but is a lot smaller. I had gotten him years ago and just never made a connection with him. Hopefully Elizabeth will like him.

I run down to the basement and there’s Ellen and Elizabeth.

“Alex, look at me, I can sew!”

Ellen has Elizabeth on her lap at the sewing machine working on something.

“Wow, I see that. You need to finish up ’cause your grandparents need to get going now.”

“I don’t want to go! I want to stay here with you and Aunt Ellen.”

I cock an eyebrow at Ellen as if to say, “Aunt?” She just shrugs her shoulders at me.

“Oh, honey, this isn’t goodbye, you can come and visit and you can always call. It’s just, you need to go home now.”

Ellen says, “Here, honey, we’re almost done. Just finish this little bit. That’s it.

“Now, let’s turn this right side out and see how it fits.”

“Hey, you made a dress. Say, that’s kinda cute.”

Elizabeth and Ellen have made a cute little jumper. It is white with big pink roses all over it and it has a pink lace ribbon around the waist.

Elizabeth quickly squirms out of Ellen’s lap and is soon out of her dress. She eagerly grabs her new jumper and slips it on. Ellen turns her around and ties the ribbon behind her and spins her back.

“Well,” says Ellen, “you need to wear a blouse with it but you did a great job sewing that.”

“Ellen, I couldn’t agree more. Elizabeth, that is great work.”

Elizabeth’s entire face is lit up by her smile.

“Okay, sweetie, let’s go on upstairs and show your grandparents,” says Ellen.

Elizabeth grabs both of our hands and off we go.

Once upstairs, she lets go and runs over to Mrs. Dempsey.

“Granma, Granma, look what I made!”

“Why, dear heart, that’s lovely. You say you made that?”

“Yes, Aunt Ellen helped me.”

“I hope you don’t mind that I let her call me that, ma’am.”

“Not at all, dear, I’m so glad you all are getting along so well. Elizabeth honey, do you have everything? We need to get going.”

“But I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.” Elizabeth then runs over and grabs me around my legs.

Kneeling down, I pull Elizabeth on my lap. “Hey there, kiddo, this isn’t goodbye.”

“It isn’t?”

“No, honey, this is just ‘until we meet again’. We’ll see each other again before you know it and you know you can always call me. I have a nifty new phone and you can call me anytime. If I can’t answer it, I’ll call you back just as soon as I can. Okay?”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I promise. Here, this is for you.” I hand her the small bear.

“He looks just like your bear.”

“Yep, they’re related and now he’s yours.”

“Thank you, Alex,” and she wraps her arms around my neck.

“You’re welcome, honey, you be sure to call me, okay?”

“I will.”

Standing, we walk over to the Dempseys. “Mr. and Mrs. Dempsey, thank you again for coming. I’ve really enjoyed you and Elizabeth being here today. I hope you can visit again.”

Mr. Dempsey takes my hand and Mrs. Dempsey gives me a hug. She says, “It was our pleasure, my dear. Thank you again for all you have done for us. We’ll see each other again soon.”

“Yes, thank you again, Alex,” says Mr. Dempsey as they walk out the door. Elizabeth is waving back to me with her new little bear.

Dad walks them out to their car and when the door closes I find that I’m crying a bit. I look over at Mom and she opens her arms and soon is giving me a hug.

“What’s the matter, honey?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s because they’re really nice people and Elizabeth is such a nice little girl. I’m going to miss them.”

“We’ll see them again, honey, don’t worry. Now why don’t you go see if you can’t find Robbyn. She needs to give her folks a call.”

“Okay, Mom.”