Chapter 1

I wake up coughing and feeling….(oh crap) It takes only moments before I’m on the bathroom floor heaving my insides out. The flu, yeah I think I’ve got the flu. Of course this isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve been recently flooding my body with female hormones. I’m told it balances off, that I’ll get used to it but right now, in combination with the flu I feel really, really bad.

It takes me a few minutes to get myself together, to fight my way through the stomach cramps and the dry heaving, I even cough up some crud. (Yick) I have an OCD moment and grab the cleanser and brush and clean the toilet all shiny again before I get up and then sit to pee. I reach over and get my tooth brush and start trying to get that tasted out of my mouth.

I’m just feeling so tired, beat down tired. Drug out with feeling sick and everything else going on in my life. Can being depressed make your bones ache? I spit, rinse, brush again. Yes I don’t need to but I’ve always done it that way. My toothpaste has changed as much as I have, going from Colgate to Close up I like the fact it’s red and seems to strike me as girly.

I need a shower, I smell like sweat and stale tobacco smoke. I don’t smoke but I am walking through clouds of it at where I work. I get my shower really hot and stay in it for awhile. Just being awake and out of bed is hard right now. I’m up and it’s only been maybe twenty minutes and I’m crying actually hanging for dear life onto the safety bar left behind in the stall by a former tenant. I’m going to be that soon enough; a former tenant. My lovely asshole of a landlord is giving me the boot. He just can’t have me around.

I’m a girl in transition into becoming the person who I really am inside. But there are people who hate me and are just more than happy to still try and make my life a living hell. He’s just tired of having his place vandalized.

Alright since I’m telling this story my name is or was Jaime. It was something my mother chose with her francophone background. It was suppose to be a compressed version of Je te aime or I love you. When I was little it was pronounced “Je-em” until we moved out west to Edmonton where as soon as I was entered into school where it became James.

James Morgan.

James “Iron Man” Morgan actually. It was the nick name I earned playing junior high football. I honestly like the game, love it even and could do it all. I was known for playing iron man football after we lost a bunch of guys to a meningitis outbreak leaving us really short on players. Iron man football for those who don’t know is where a player ends up playing in both the offensive and defensive line ups on a team. I played that way my grade 8 year and we went all the way to win provincial and national champions. It was big news and the coach named me “Iron man Morgan” in recognition of my playing and because it sounded good at the time as a sound bite for the press. It stayed with me all through school or right up until about 13 months ago.

Thirteen months ago I discovered Jenna.

Jenna is the real me. I had no clue about it for most of my life actually. I didn’t have this whole I’m a girl thing since I was little. Not that that doesn’t happen. I’ve got online girlfriends and sisters that this was exactly what happened. Not me, I really didn’t know.

Looking back though my entire life I was in somekind of emotional disconnect. I just had this kind of not quite feeling here in the world feeling. Nothing really fit for me. I didn’t find a lot of things funny or moving emotionally. My life was grey, like I was colorblind. I was living in the image of what I though I should be. I was just that a reflection of everyone else’s expectations.

Then I was with Nikki one night. She was one of the wilder girls in school and liked to party and was great in bed. I’ll admit to being a man whore, I’ll even admit to using my jock king status to get laid. I was really popular and I used it. I think now it was desperation just to feel anything. She and I were in my room my step dad built for me over the garage. It was more of a mini apartment for his “Champ” and even my mom turned a blind eye to what James did. I was the epitome of manly success right? Not a good thing for any kid to get whatever they wanted….sorry…I got off track.

We were high and watching Dragnet on cable, not the old TV show but the movie with Tom Hanks in it. There was this scene where Tom Hanks admits to Dan Akroyd that he was wearing the panties of this lady cop bit/extra. And that got us going, well yeah going since we were stoned it wasn’t like we were thinking. So I ended up wearing her underpants. I wore them to school even. Hell I even bragged about it to the guys to showing them off in the locker room like a trophy or something. Oh yeah there were a few moments that a few guys called me queer or a fag but I was James “Iron Man” Morgan. Untouchable. Nikki and I messed about for a bit before I dumped her for Vanessa, the her for Cindy and so on.

I dumped the girls but kept their panties. More trophies? I wore them every night though. It got to somehow feel more real? Actually more like a patch of real. I was getting scared and freaked out enough to worry, to start to look stuff up. Panty boys and from there to all sorts of porn that just got me more and more disturbed, scared, upset, and disgusted. There’s a lot of freaky stuff out there. It took about a month before I found some TS/TG sites and story places like this one where what I was feeling was something different than the skuzzy stuff that was out there.

I took a night where my folks were gone for the weekend with my little sister to a gymnastics thing. I went to my moms room and using several printed off sheets of various how to dress from a couple of TG sites I very poorly dressed and became Jenna for the first time.

It was like having a reverse out of body experience. I had no idea how strong that pull to this point had been but as soon as I was done and seen Jenna staring back at me. I started crying. Bawling actually as for the first time in my entire life I felt real. I felt like a whole person. I cried myself to sleep in my moms clothes on her bed and cried and cried and cried. I was me, I was real and alive and feeling things so unbelievably strongly for the first time in my life.

And I wasn’t James.

Everything went downhill after that really fast. I threw myself into learning everything I could about doing this. I went a bit off the deep end and got OCD about it. I just literally couldn’t help it. It was like living with chronic pain, If you know what I’m talking about. For those out there to be lucky to not know about it that then it’s like this. My life as James was hurting me, It had been hurting me all my life and I was so used to it that…that when I was Jenna, my real self the pain of just being stopped. I felt good, I felt real, I felt alive.

Three weeks went by in a flash and my marks suffered a bit as did my football. I was getting flak about it from my teachers and worried looks from my coach but he didn’t want to rock the boat for fear of my going to some other school. I’d rush through everything just to get more time alone, to read up on it online or sit in my bathroom practicing, over and over.

Then I trusted Ingrid Willshire. She was one of those drama types that gets stereotyped as stuff like you read about in fiction stories, You know the gothy, chic smart ass girl who a lot of people myself included had pegged as a lesbian. The thing was as James I was a jock, actually where I went to school King Jock really. James had a charmed life. I really didn’t get that not everyone liked James. She had this look in her eyes when I asked her to lunch in study hall. That look changed over lunch as I told her about what I had discovered about myself.

“So you’re saying you’re gay?” She asked me playing with her salad.

“No…not really it’s not like that.”

“What’s it Like then.” She emphasized the word like.

“ It’s like I’m not who everyone thinks I am, I’m not me, I’m not Jaimes, I’m somebody else.”

“And this other person’s a girl?”

“It’s not another person though, it’s me. It’s the real me.”

“And you’re telling me this why James?, Why me?”

“I don’t know, we’ve never gone out together and you seem so together and I thought…”

“You thought what?”

“Well people have like said things about you, I figured you might get it.”

“What they’re saying I’m a guy in drag?”

“Nn..no.” I’m embarrassed and turning red at that point.

“Oh, It’s because I’m a dyke right?”

I nod because it’s that embarrassing to bring something like that up so bluntly.

“I’m Not gay James.” Again she emphasizes the not.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t mean to like.”

“Yeah it’s my image right?”

I nod again. “I know about images, people seem to be good at labeling me and I’m not the person they see everyday.”

She stares at me, long and hard. “So what do you want me to do James?”

“Uhm, well you’re hot. I mean you look good all the time. I just thought…I thought you might …”

“Might what?”

“Teach me?”

“Teach you what?”

“How to be a girl, how to be the real me……please?”

She offered to help and did show me a lot. Ingrid actually helped me polish Jenna into this perfect, or as far as I could get version of myself. We talked and laughed and had fun. We went around everywhere together. We hung out and went shopping for Jenna and I bought her things she liked along with my purchases. I fobbed off the stuff on the credit card dad had given me as buying things for my girl friend. Everyone assumed that Ingrid and I were going steady. We had a lot of great times just hanging out. She had become my best friend.

I thought we were having fun, I thought we were friends… But she took all these pictures and stuff.

And then it was all over school and the internet this one day. She never let on she hated me that much. She set me up and never gave me a clue to what she was really doing. I had no clue, no warning. People called my parents and freaked on them. My parents woke me up and confronted me. I bit the bullet and told them yes. I came out as it were. Mom freaked out on me, a French catholic she began to hit me, to throw things at me screaming that I was a pervert, a freak and a monster. That I was going to hell. It scared me to the core, I was a catholic raised kid by virtue of my mom and a practicing Christian even if a poor one through my step dad and the combination of losing her love, and my god…I mean this was my mom, she never acted like this in my life…Then my step dad got her out of my room. I was bawling just sick to the deep parts of myself, I had dreams of being Jenna and my Mom loving me regardless. Instead of her loving me, My mother…hated my guts. There is a pain from that where unless you go through it you can’t know. It hurts so much when part of your soul dies. And just to make everything complete…my phone had been ringing off the hook and going to the machine with threat after threat and accusations and taunting…it just wouldn’t stop.

Hours later and smelling of booze he came into my room with his belt in his hand and locked my door. I know it made it worse as I screamed like a girl as he used his belt like a whip over and over as hard as he could with one of those big cowboy belt buckles at the end of it. He ranted and screamed at me. Then he told me. “If you want to be a little bitch then I’ll give you what you want!” Then he raped me. Beat me some more and raped me again.

I hurt so f-ing bad in both body and soul I tried to will myself to die.

Hours later he threw me and my girls things out of the house. It was 1:09 in the morning as he took everything James owned and began to douse it with gas from the lawnmower jug. And burned everything right out there in the yard. Him and my mom both saying I..or rather James was dead. He was drinking and she was screaming at me in French. Then she grabbed the gas jug and began to splash me with it.

The neighbors called the cops. They yelled at my folks and said they were coming and the fire department too and with both of my parents in a screaming match with them I ran. The cops picked me up four or five blocks away. They looked at me like I was a freak but almost grudgingly took me to the hospital. There I was put through a rape kit and treated decently I guess…?

It got better when the social worker came. She had to call the psychologist on call. They put me in a ward under suicide watch.

I refused to press charges then, I was still too much in shock, I didn’t want to admit what happened. Boys don’t get raped right? It didn’t happen. I hid everything away inside. I think there were charges pressed at my family on my behalf with what everyone saw about me last night. Beaten, raped covered in lawnmower gas I guess they came up with their own conclusions. I was in there for weeks before I really began to move about and even telling me my story to the therapists was hard, as hard as anything I’ve ever done. I got put into a group home and spent about a month there getting tested, talked to and my therapist got me to let my guard down and become Jenna again. He confirmed a diagnosis of me being transgendered.

I was slowly getting my feet back under me, even if they were in strappy sandals instead of football cleats.

I am lucky as far as being TG goes, I’m young at nearly 16 and tall and wasn’t too built going more towards this runners build and very lean. I’ve got long legs or so I’m told and with my long hair which is okay and was kind of a French blonde thing definitely helps my look when dressed. I can pass but then I was still easily made. I was still too much a football player, and still had too much muscle built up in the wrong places.

I was put on meds and given hormone blockers to stop my male growth spurts and other hormones to start me on my way. The house parents at the group home were really decent and Shannon the house mom really got me started.

But the other kids in the house weren’t as kind. The gay guys though I was wrong for wanting to be a girl and not just being gay. They hit on me too much. I wasn’t remotely ready to be sexual with anybody. I had similar problems with the lesbian girls who where hostile to me, even violent when they could. They said I was stealing from them as women. I spent a lot of hours in my room hiding from the world, crying, reading and living on my computer learning more about who I thought I was to be.

Then someone in the house Id’d me. It was a lot of quiet jumping on the bandwagon of lets hate James and how the mighty have fallen thing. A lot of them though it was the greatest thing in the world that this was happening to me of all people. I left like I said after a month.

I quit school and tried to get a job and a place. My id doesn’t match me on the outside. So I’m working or been working waiting tables at this smokey bar well strip club. I don’t dance but the number of pervs that want me scares the hell out of me. I carry bear spray now after people kept getting too “friendly” It was another hard lesson after a couple of harsh beatings when I wouldn’t put out even for money.

Now somehow people from school have found me again. My place has been getting vandalized even though I’ve just tried to stay home, or at work. I don’t go out, I just barely get by enough to live here in my little bachelors apartment in an old building in one of the poorer areas of town. Schools been back in for two months now and I know they’re losing games without James. There’s people going out of their way to find me and make me pay for being me.

…..So now I’m getting kicked out not because of my land lord hating my guts or anything, if anything he’s been good by letting me rent without a damage deposit. But now things are getting trashed and spray painted…with stuff I’m not going to write here.

I finish my shower and get dressed as it were. Jeans, underpants and a satin halter top under a t-shirt.

I make a piece of burnt toast and a black tea. It’s something one of my neighbors a nice little old Croatian lady told me will help. Nona…I’d starve if it wasn’t for her. Rent, bills, groceries I had no idea things were going to be so expensive in the real world.

I sit curled up on my bed well mattresses on the floor staring off into space. I had a few choices. I could go back to the group home. I could try to move which I couldn’t afford or I could do what a lot of T girls my age do and go and turn tricks. (shudder) or the last option…I’ve looked for him for years. My real father.

Jonathan Powers, age 38, a lawyer, and artist. He lives in this town called Red Rapids in northern California. He’s even got a website where he sells his artwork mostly paintings and stuff but he does clay sculptures and pottery and even stone works. He’s talented in a way I’ve never felt about myself.

I had the basics of his personal information from finding it in my mom’s things and stole it. She always told me that he cheated on her in university. She broke with him and got with my step dad before I was born. She really hated him too. He found out that she was pregnant with me and took her to court to get himself listed as my father. She got full custody because he had cheated on her and they moved away from him and yet still took his child support payments. The stubs from these payments helped me find him. I’ll say this you can really learn a scary amount on the computer.

The whole Jaime is a tranny freak has it’s own website.

So what should I do? I’ve never met the man in my life, or even my life as James. I’m very easily the worst possible choice for any father to have. I’m so never going to be his son ever again. I’m not real, I’m not a real girl so I can’t be his daughter could I?

I sit in my room in the daylight but in the dark of it. Nothing turned on but my alarm clock. I sit and stare at my phone, and my laptop. Do I dare?, Do I try? I hunch over them hurting inside and really considering it. But I’m also considering the bottle of sleeping pills I’ve got or the obsessively sharpened chef’s knife on the edge of my bathtub.

What should I do?

What should I do?

I need to get out of here. My shitty little apartment isn’t helping the things I need to think about. I throw on a dress and my Mary Janes and a used baggy T-shirt over my dress and grab my beat up old jean jacket and pull on a ball cap. I shove the bottle of sleeping pills into my jacket pocket and take my purse.

I leave heading out and just wandering around the neighborhood and a bit beyond that. It starts to rain and I keep walking not caring and actually liking the whole walking in the rain thing. I’ve never done it before.

I’m getting soaked and chilled when I smell food. There’s a diner with its neon flickering in the grayness of the day. It’s in the bottom of this old brick store front building that has this old faded bakery sign on the side of the building. I go in and see it’s like right out of the 50’s with the booths and jukebox with real records in it. There’s a few people there and just a guy behind the counter. He’s a teenager like me maybe 17 no more that 19 or 20. He’s young and has long blonde hair and very well built like he works out. I notice he has this dizzying smile as I sit at the counter and start looking through my change.

“Morning.”

“Huh?” I wasn’t expecting to be talked to. I look at him.

“Good morning.” He tries again.

“Not really.”

“Oh?”

I roll my eyes at him. “I’ll just have a coffee.”

“Alright, how do you like it?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

I see him give me this raised eyebrow, just one, like Spock. He turns and takes one of those big white coffee mugs that’s like a bowl down and runs it under this hot water tap then adds a drizzle of something light brown like caramel into it then cream. He pours and stirs at the same time. I’ve never smelled a coffee like this before.

My stomach growls a bit, I’m hungry now but I’m broke. I’m always broke because my hormones and stuff cost a lot of money. No I’m not getting any for free. Alberta heath care doesn’t see it as something they should cover.

He set’s the coffee in front of me. “How much?”

“The coffee’s free.”

“Free?” It’s more of a snarky I don’t believe you sounding comment. “How do you make any money giving out free coffees?” I’m suspicious and kind of really leery of people not being shitty to me. I don’t really pass sometimes, I know I don’t. My body has had too much James the Jock training. I’ve lost a lot of muscle and weight but I’m a stick, kind of girl. Flattish, just out of budding…no hips or butt and shoulders that are just too big. I know I don’t pass sometimes and I keep to neighborhoods like this. It’s just better not to feel the scornful looks from people in more trafficked areas of town.

It’s also made me wary of strangers being nice to me.

“Six hundred dollar doughnuts.”

“Huh?”

“Six hundred dollar doughnuts.”

“What?”……..”Oh…” It’s not that funny but he’s trying. He’s trying to be nice.

He goes back to doing stuff at the grill and stuff, it’s all behind the counter and not behind a wall like some places. I sip slowly at the hot coffee and get up and take a booth so I can look out the window. I lose myself in thought going over everything that’s going on in my life trying to just figure out what went wrong.

I like the coffee, mild from the cream and there’s this caramel but not caramel flavor that’s not overly sweet but blends into the coffee.

I watch the cars go passed and the trains and people that work around here with the business from the train yards. I get to watch the trains and stuff too. I’m playing absently with the bottle of pills. I could just drift away. Sleeping would be nice, just to let things go away. To let me dream until I just stop. Maybe I could be really Jenna in my dream. I’ve always been raised to think suicide is a sin. That’s back when I actually had a scrap of faith left. It’s felt ever since I got thrown out of home, since I was outed and raped and nearly set on fire that I’ve lost my god.

The guy takes the pills right out of my hand while I’m lost in thought.

“Hey!, those are mine!”

“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean no!, they’re mine, that’s stealing.”

“No. You can’t go out like this.”

“What do you know about it?”

“I know a lot about it.”

“Yeah you don’t have a fucking idea of what my life’s like! You got any idea what it’s like to be me! Do you know what it’s like to suffer just to live? Do you?” He gives me this look and this sad sweet smile and pulls out this folded up paper and walks back from my booth to do something else. I’m still mad as hell but unfold the papers.

Dear Mr. Taylor Winters

We are sorry to send you the unfortunate diagnosis but after the biopsy and tests were done we’ve concluded that your tumor is indeed inoperable and we unfortunately can offer you is six to eight months to live. If you come into for treatment we maybe able to treat you better and perhaps extend the amount of time you have.

The rest of it is just a bunch of stuff like all the technical medical stuff and options he was allowed to have and how they were going to extend his life. It all sounded like it was stuff from some Frankenstein novel. It was dated July 8th 2007.

I look up at him and he’s setting down a bowl full of somekind of soup and freshly baked bread rolls. He sits with me and takes back the papers and folds them up. We stare at each other for awhile. He’s got these steel blue eyes that bore into me. Okay…I get it, I think. There’s people who’ve got worse lives than me.

I look at him. “I guess that changed everything for you.”

“Yeah it did, I guess I learned and figured out a lot of things.”

I tear a roll apart enjoying the fresh bread smell a lot and butter it. “Like what?”

“We get one life, one shot and if we don’t give it everything it’s wasted.”

“Yeah I thought it’d be something like that.” I’m still being sarcastic.

“And.”

I look at him because he’s staring at me. “And what?”

“And you’ve got nothing to lose.”

“Huh?”

“We’re all going to die one way or another, one time or another. There’s absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t do the things we want to do or be who we want to be after all there’s really nothing to lose.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it’s not, I know, I’ve been fighting and trying to be me for over a year now and it’s not that easy, hell It’s not easy at all!”

“Why?”

I guess at that point I cut lose on him. It wasn’t a screaming fit or anything like that but one of those all day stories that turns into a day long conversation about everything in my life from my old life as Jaimes and some of the stuff about my mom and my step dad and stuff like how much I had been hurt by Ingrid and other things.

I get caught up in it.

The soup was good and filling with diced veggies I’ve never eaten and stuff but as poor as I’ve been lately it was great.

I ended up following him around as we talked. “Here, you’ll get dirty.” as he passed me an apron and a bandanna.

I end up helping as we talk and he tells me to “Peel these, Chop that, Those are artichokes, that’s eggplant.” The entire time we still talked even through the supper time rush where I waitresses and bus tables and we still talked and even bantered…

Talked about just stuff after awhile, TV, movies, music, what we wanted out of life, who we though we’d be when we were younger and how we never seem to end up fitting any of the images we see ourselves as.

Before long he’s turning around the we’re closed sign.

I stay and help clean up.

I made $43 dollars in tips.

“I should get heading home…”

“Hey I’ll drive you, thanks for the hand with the supper crowd.”

“It’s cool thanks for listening.”

Taylor drives me home in this seen better days Ford F150. I give him directions and before long I’m home…

And all my stuff’s in the dumpster in the alley…

I can’t help but start to cry.

I get angry then too and scream and throw things around in the alley scaring the rats. I storm into the building and to the landlords apartment.

I beat and hammer on the door hurting my fists, I bend my rings, I kick to door and hurt my foot and I swear at him screaming.

He opens the door abruptly. “Listen Morgan, I know yer pissed but I didn’t have a choice.” He shoves a homemade pamphlet in my face.

It accuses me of being a pervert, and a freak and deviant. It’s printed up with sick pictures of gruesome TS/TV/TG porn and warns people and parents of how people like me are a danger to their kids….It hurts and it’s sickening and …I’m running outside to get sick. I …

“Jenna?”

Taylor’s still here.

“Jenna.”

I look up at him, blurry through my tears. He’s standing by my things. “What do you need? What can’t be left behind?”

I try to tell him but just end up falling onto my butt and crying.

I cry for awhile and point at things, sobbing while nodding yes or shaking my head no.

Taylor loads up everything I own which isn’t much, some things are gone, picked up by others or the homeless or just stolen….

I’m wallowing until I see him stop and rest against the truck with his forehead pressed to the cap of the truck. He looks in pain. He looks like his head’s splitting open.

Everything we talked about kind of comes to a head there, right then.

I’m here whining and freaking out about stuff that really does suck but on the other hand here’s Taylor helping me and he’s dying.

He’s really dying and is just here on borrowed time.

I wipe my eyes and sober up. And go over to him and hug him from behind. “Thanks, thanks for being here Taylor.”

He smiles through the pain and I can’t keep my fingers to myself, and move some of his hair out of the way of his face. It’s such a different gesture for me, way out of my comfort zone. He turns so I’m hugging him and pressed into his chest. He smells like a guy and oven baked bread and hints of Dawn dishwashing liquid. It’s nice.

We just stood there until the pain went away and I could feel the tension drain out of him. He gave me this sweet, look. “Come on Jenna I know where you can stay.” We got back into the truck and I notice he opens the door for me and I get in as much like a girl as I can.

We go back to the diner and he pulls in out back of the place and up to the loading dock. He opens my door and helps me out of the truck. It’s nice, It makes me feel nice. He opens up for us and leads me through the back rooms that he uses for storage and the office and the bakery, he’s kept the old ovens here to make his own bread. We get to the stairs and he shows me to his place…

“You want me to live with you?”

“Sure, I own the whole building and there’s plenty of rooms I’m not using.”

“But, I…I could bring trouble down on you like what’s been following me around.”

“Jenna, it’s okay. We’ll deal with it okay? Nothing to lose remember?”

He moves my stuff in and I’m using his washing machines and his dryers to clean my clothes from the junk and filth that’s gotten over them. The laundry room is on the second floor acrossed from his offices. There’s three rooms he’s not using plus his bedroom, master bath room, a linen closet and a kitchen and he’s cleverly turned the hallway into a living room. It’s clean here, dry and warm. I lost a lot of things, He lets me have the bed while he plans to sleep on the sofa….I’m not going to let him sleep on the sofa with him dying…

“Taylor you take the bed I’ll sleep here.”

“Jenna I’m not going to let a woman sleep in my place on a old lumpy sofa.”

“I’ve slept in worse places.”

“So have I.”

“You don’t have to be all gallant about this.”

“Jenna this is me, It’s the way I am.”

“Fine, then sleep in the bed with me.”….Did I just say that?

“What?” His tones matching the question I just asked myself in my head.

“It’s your bed, I’m your guest, or roommate or…Come to bed, I won’t bite.” I’m still not sure I’m saying these things.

Taylor does get up and follows me into his bedroom. He starts undressing and It’s so different than being back in the locker room. He’s tanned and has several tattoos and he’s very good looking. I’m starting to notice more and more things I like about him.

God I thought I’d never feel anything ever again as my nipples and chest are sending me these dizzying feelings unlike any I’ve ever had.

I get to have a bath and cleaned up, Taylor does this thing where he grated lemon zest into the water? Okay it smells really nice and he makes me this tea for my cough and the flu that I’ve still got only it’s kind of worse now that I’m stopping. It tastes funny with herbs and honey and mint? It loosens up the chest congestion and by the time I’m dressed in my ratty looking bed sweats and T-shirt I’m yawning my head off.

I slip into bed with him and try to relax enough to sleep. I’m exhausted, inside and out.

“Taylor, are you really okay with this? I’m not a real girl you know.”

“Jenna real girls don’t want anything to do with me.”

“Why?” He seems like a real great guy.

“Because when the find out I’m dying, that I might not be around tomorrow it’s to real for them.”

“So you’re settling?”

He rolls over and drapes an arm over my side. He quietly says “No, I think you need somebody to just be there. I need someone to be there too.” He shakes just a little and I can feel it through his fingers.

“You’re around my age and here alone, don’t you have any family Taylor?”

“No, I’m the only one left. There was a car accident when I was nine, this was my uncles place and he left it to me.”

“So you don’t have anyone?”

“Just you….”

There’s no talking after that, there’s nothing sexual that’s happening between us even though my body is sending me signals of this is right. I lean into his arms being around me and fall asleep being held. It’s a warm, safe feeling that I can’t really put into words. There’s another feeling too as I can feel him hanging onto me as he sleeps with this hint of need and desperation…He doesn’t want to die alone.

I’ve never pictured this.

It’s the last thing I’ve ever pictured in my life.

I wonder what’s next?

I let myself dream and let the images of what may be form in my head.

Chapter 2

I have no idea how long I slept. I remember Taylor shaking me and it was still dark. He made me sip something with really sweet molasses like flavor and lots of stuff like cinnamon and ginger in it, it made my throat tickle and made my cough a bit.

I passed out after that and kind of remember the spices making me sweat as I was sleeping. The place smells awesome but It sounds busy downstairs. I look at the alarm clock and it’s 7:40 in the morning. I brush my teeth and toss on a skirt and a hoody spray on some Secret spray while getting into my black leggings and my powder blue Nikes.

I go downstairs to help out. To be honest as I apron up I’d rather wait tables and booths here than in a smokey bar full of perverts.

Holy crap we’re busy. I had this idea of I’d go down and we’d talk and work and stuff. Every booth was full, the counter was full and there were people lined up by this window. There were two girls running around waitressing. Taylor slides by “Morning, You wanna take counter and till?”

“Uhm okay?”

The day starts as a rush of chaos. Taylor’s and awesome cook and I’m snacking as we wait on people. There’s sandwiches being done out that side window. Turkey chop with bread dressing and bacon with extras like a club sandwich and tubs of potato salad or coleslaw or this bean salad as the sides, chicken salad sandwiches, tuna fish sandwiches, egg salad and others.

I make toast eight slices of homemade thick slices at a time. There’s fresh squeezed OJ and He makes marmalade off of the used oranges and , real grape jelly and who the heck makes their own…everything.

It’s quite the change from myself who can’t even make Kraft Dinner that well. Jaimes was catered to and pampered by his mom and step-dad. I get burned fingers, get splashed by coffee and I’m running since I get there up to about 9:15 and things die out with just a few customers. I sit with Holly and Njinda as we go over our tips and Taylor set’s us down some coffee’s and me a tall glass of …

“What the heck is this?”

It’s kind of an off sick purple pink.

“It’s juice, you’re sick and you need this.”

“I need this?” The girls started to laugh.

“Jenna…” He’s looking at me and nearly pouting with his arms crossed. I pick up my glass and do the standard blessing crossing myself. “Dear lord, thank you for this glass of Barney that I’m about to drink.”

It tasted really weird and more than a little funky.

“Taylor, what’s in this?”

He looks at me, then like he’s thinking. “Beets, orange, carrots and their stalks, radishes, cucumber, flax seeds and some yogurt and some soymilk.”

“I wan’t to see you drink this crud.”

He goes out back with the pitcher thing for the juicer and tips it back drinking at least 3 cups of the stuff.

“Okay, okay I’d rather have a V-8 instead.”

“I’ll pick some up, tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“I’ve got some things we need to do and pick up, okay?”

“Okay…” I’m a bit worried about being found out, made as it were.

The girls do some clean up while Taylor gets me helping him in the kitchen and the bakery part of things. I get a crash course on making bread dough and rolls and biscuits. He makes a chowder with butter and onions and celery and cream as well as white fish, canned clams and a couple bags of fresh mussels and two frozen bags of shrimp and a bunch of quartered red potatoes and frozen peas and carrots and corn. He makes a corn chowder and grates lots of baking and sweet potatoes together and breads some little fishes called smelts? He also get’s me to chop lots of onions and dice up cold potatoes he had cooked this morning while he slices up several corned beef lumps? He also cooked this morning. I learn how to fine shred up cabbage and heat it to where it wilts? I end up dumping in black pepper, ground coriander and mustard seeds into it and then halve some of it out into a 4 liter ice cream container and put in thin sliced red onions and caraway seeds?

It’s a lot of work, But I’m not getting flak for any thing I’m doing. I’m not getting accosted of pinched and I’m not walking through clouds of smoke.

We still have customers and while it’s not busy, it’s really not boring either. In fact I’m having fun. I’m having fun for the first time in a long time. Everyone calls me Jenna, a few of the older gents call me “Darlin” like Holly and Njinda get. Taylor lets the girls go and do their washing for free upstairs when they have some time.

I learn quickly how to make a basic pie. Taylor makes me make them on my own. Fruit pies are the easiest with frozen fruit, toss them in a bit of corn starch and tapioca flour and sugar then just bake it off. Even making apple isn’t that hard from fresh, or lemon pie from the box but I layer a thin bit of marmalade on the bottom of the pie shell and a bit of real lemon juice in it and lemon zest into the meringue. That was the hardest part for me. But you know, This whole learning to cook thing, waitressing and everything is really girly stuff. I even help Holly and Njinda with their laundry and before lunch rush we do each others make up a little and help each other freshen up.

Feels really good you know. Not being treated like a freak, or feeling threatened. It’s nice.

The lunch rush hits us and we’re selling the chowders and Taylor’s putting those grated potatoes mixes into the deep fryers like a fritter and the smelts to and these go with the fish chowder. The other chowder goes too and there’s corned beef in both sandwiches and cabbage on the grill and corned beef hash. It’s really gratifying to see people eating and enjoying one of my pies.

I like getting called, Miss and stuff like that too.

I’m a little beat after the rush though with not enough sleep the night before. Taylor tells me. “Hey Jenna.” he slides in beside me behind the counter. “Hey.” I say and give him a side glance and a smile.

“You had quite a night last night and you’re looking a bit hot.”

“Hot?” I turn and stare at him….”You think I’m hot…”

He puts his hand on my forehead.

“Yep you’re definitely hot, you’re going through what you did last night and walking in the rain while sick yesterday has really done it’s job on you.”

Great, just great. And here I talked myself into thinking he was feeling something like that for me.

“Come on.” He asks the girls to watch the till and the front and takes me upstairs.

He makes me another bath.

Okay I’ll admit to it feeling good, smelling good and I doze in the steaming hot water. He wakes me up and I’m naked in the water…He smiles at me and I try to cover myself, I’m nearly crying too. “Jenna…Jenna it’s okay. You look beautiful, you don’t have to be shy with me. I don’t bite.”

I stare at him. “No fair using my line on me.”

He passes me a big mug of really good smelling chicken soup and a couple of aspirin and something else.

“What’s this?”

“Multivitamin.”

“Taylor….” I roll my eyes.

“Jenna, c’mon when was the last time you really had anything decent in your system?”

I shrug and take the pills and sip the soup.

“Here, lean back.”

“What and give you a free show?” I’m actually nervous, hell I’m scared. He passes me a towel. There’s this feeling of relief yet this little bit of not relieved, like a little part of me wanted him to look at me. I put the towel over my meager chest then lean back giving him a skeptical look.

“Close you eyes.”

I take a sip of the soup and close my eyes, I’m wary, nervous and scared a bit.

There’s his hand tilting my head back and he pours hot water through my hair…Oh god, he’s starting to run his fingers through my hair, I smell shampoo and I can’t help but start to melt.

Having somebody shampoo your hair is heaven, and right now it’s so good.

I swear, I’m having a hairgasm. My nipples hurt, oh wow in such a good way. He rinses and puts in conditioner and takes the time to leave it in to rub my shoulders….

I wake up with him pulling the covers over me. “Hey get some sleep ’kay?”

“Hmmn, m’kay.” I snuggle into the bed, he kisses me on my forehead.

Okay he might not be all you know but he’s damned well the best man I’ve ever met in my life and the sweetest person I know. I fall asleep feeling cared for, cared for, for the first time in a long, long time.

Maybe even ever?

Did my parents even love me, Jaimes or just because he was good at sports, won trophies and glory and made them look good.

I’m Jenna, even with everything I’ve been through I still wouldn’t ever go back to being Jaime, James.

Here, warm, safe…Taylor makes me feel more real than anyone ever has.

I fall asleep feeling like a girl.

I drift into a new world of dreams and images.

***

I’m running dodging guys a lot bigger than me, football tucked under my arm. It’s my usual style of playing more evasive and speed based like Pin-Ball Clemens a guy hits me to take me down and I roll off the hit or even over his body. It’s summer and it’s hot as we’re playing and dammit my mascara and eyeliner is getting into my eyes, waterproof my ass. I take an elbow to my right breast…ow, ow, ow! But I make a touch down and spike the ball and take off my helmet…The crowd starts to boo, and throw things at me.

I’m in my bed and my step dad is there with the belt again. His first strike is like a whip and that big cowboy belt buckle seems to slow through time and hits me in my forehead with several ounces of steel, It cuts me over my right eye and the blood partly blinds me as he keeps hitting me as I fall onto my old bed and wail and scream. “You wanna be a little bitch! A cunt!, well I’m gonna make it so no matter what no one’s gonna want you!” I don’t really slip into as much shock as before as the belt and buckle turn my back to hamburger. I do remember the rape as he loops the belt into a choke chain like thing and tightens it around my neck from behind… “Bitches like you need leashes.” I feel him take me dry, I tried to fight but he cut off my air…It hurt, the pain sank in so deep into myself…it just seemed to keep going inside of me when it connected to the hurt and betrayal of everything I loved and trusted and thought kept me loved and safe….I remember my mother in my bedroom door staring as he violated me, Her words once on mute because I never remembered her being there came crashing into my memories… “Hit it!, Slap it, hit it again, teach the disgusting freak a lesson!”

I’m out front, My things are burning and I’m in nothing but bloody scars and heavy welts. And my mother is there screaming at me still and she’s got the gas can. She’s pouring it over me, over me, over and over again…

***

I wake up caught up in my covers and screaming The blankets are him holding me and hurting me again and something comes loose in my chest and catches in my throat…choking me. I fall out of bed, bam! Boobs first and grab the waste bin throwing up stuff, something greasy and green brown comes up first and the sight of it and my nerves do the rest.

Taylor comes rushing in and carries me to the bathroom and holds me as I freak out. He holds my hair as I get sick a couple of more times. He washes me off in a luke warm bath, he dresses me in some of his clothes and puts me back to bed.

I think I’m really sick, I keep drifting in and out of sleeping and Taylor washing my forehead, waking me to drink juices and teas, take pills eat soups and (Yuck ) yogurt. He helps me to and from the bathroom.

His clothes keep changing too I think.

I have nightmares and he’s there sometimes as I cry out holding me in the bed with me. He holds me and listens to me as I cried and bawled out what they did to me. How they betrayed me, how any of my once friends had turned on me, the web site and the vandalism of where I lived and that fucking flyer…really sick, tired bone deep and hormonal I think Taylor got to see and hear the absolute worst sides of me. I know I hit him, I know there where times that I woke hitting and beating him just because he was there.

I wake up a few times and we’re still sharing a bed, he usually has an arm around me when I wake up. I coughed so much I’d get those headaches from coughing so much. It’s actually what wakes me up this time. I got up and went to pee then shower and brush my teeth. I’m not a fan of Colgate, I’m going to need to get to a store. The place is quiet. I could say too quiet but well It’s not home as I’d gotten used to it, it was Taylor’s place and I’m not used to the sounds here. I find my meds and take them frowning, I’m going to need more soon.

I go looking for Taylor finding him in the laundry room sitting on the floor in the corner of where the dryers meet the washers. He’s got his head in his hands and he’s shaking…I settle in front of him on my knees and take his hands away. God his face is a mask of pain, there’s tears on his face and he’s bitten his lip. I can see fist, hand like dents in the metal of the washer. His eyes are glassy from the amount of pain he’s going through and he’s got this look in them that god help me I can read like a book. He’s scared this is too much for me. He’s scared I’m going to leave him like everyone else has. I move his hands away ignoring the blood on his knuckles and heart in my throat I give him my very first kiss. It’s just a kiss but so much more. It’s my thank you, It’s my promise. He’s the one with the tears freshly running down his cheeks. I break the kiss and move over beside him and pull his head down into my lap. I spend the rest of the night there covering us with bedding from the dryer and rubbing his temples and running my fingers through his hair, rocking him when the pain would hit so hard he’d turn and bury his face into my stomach. About four or five in the morning I sing him to sleep. I’m not a great singer but I still try to sing to him “In the arms of an Angel.”

The girls find us I guess after a few hours and just before opening and they help me get him to bed. I feed him a couple of Motrin and kiss him again lightly. “Get some sleep, the girls and us can handle this ‘kay.” He gives me this look that just melts me, this look like he’s this sleepy kitten and barely nods. “M’kay.” I give him another light kiss and he kisses me back.

Holly and Njinda both give me looks as we head downstairs and start getting things ready. I do things really as simple as I can while dosing myself with cough syrup and herbal teas and ricolla cough drops and just make scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, pancakes, toast and juice for the breakfast crowds. I do egg sandwiches, tuna, and baloney with cheese grilled if the want it for the pick up window and we make our apologies saying that Taylor’s sick and he might not be in today. I’m really impressed that we made it through stuff with no real idea what to do. I find out from the girls that I’ve been out of it for most of the week. I put my tips into the coffee can where I put my last ones after we swap out coin for bills and then I go and check on Taylor. He’s still breathing and in an exhausted sleep. Just how hard does he push himself so he didn’t have to think about dying. I kiss his forehead and then slip downstairs, It feels more natural than breathing to care for him like this, to be there for him, to love him?, do I love him? Can I love him?

For once I stomp on those daydreams and my really bad habit of over analyzing everything that I do, or everything that happens or what other people in my life are doing or thinking. I’ve ruined friendships and stuff like that before, or they would’ve been friendships and even hurt some of my online family of sisters when I get too out of control. I’m just going to try to live my life instead of think about it.

Speaking of them. I ask the girls to watch the front while I use Taylor’s office computer. Uhm wow what a old piece of garbage but it’ll have to do, my laptop got stolen when my landlord kicked me out. I go online and update my friends there and talk back and forth a few minutes and they send me several recipes to try and I thank them and look up a few more.

I go down and help the girls and decide to go for the basics to get ready for the lunch rush. Mac and cheese, a tomato sauce with lots of ground hamburger in it and some sausage and a whole lot of garlic and onions and any kind of Italian spices. I keep taste testing it with the girls and even testing it out on a random customer of three, I make a lot of sauce and even cook up a lot of extra hamburger for supper rush I‘m already seeing lasagna. I can cook dried pasta, hell before here I lived on it and those cheap ramen noodles. I make bread and…I make a double batch of it making rolls with lots of chives and real garlic in them and some garlic and onion powder in them and roll out a bunch of pizza skins and slice up some salami and pepperoni that was here for subs I think, I chop up some other toppings just using stuff up and grate some cheese.

Desserts….shit, shit, shit.

We whip up a couple of pudding mixes dump them into pie shells and cups out of desperation. In a weird idea fit, I fill egg roll wrappers with a mix of diced apples and canned apple pie filling and roll them in spiced doughnut sugar after they’re deep fried. I only make a mess out of the first ten, get spattered by grease and we’re so busy, I lose track of how much spaghetti we cooked and I guess $10 bottomless spaghetti bowls and garlic rolls went over really well. And apparently I can’t make pizza for shit, nobody really liked them that much. Still never having made pizza before it could’ve gone worse.

God by the time we were done, we’re steamed like clams and covered in sauce. Oh and we didn’t have near the parmesan cheese either. I check our supplies and end up making several lasagnas I use a lot of filler in them to make everything stretch out like shredded carrot, slices of tomato, zucchini, spinach with chopped basil and eggplant and throw in extra meat and I make a bottom layer out of something called polenta? I found it online. I make a pizza version of the egg roll too and garlic fingers.

I make some chocolate pudding and freeze it into ice cube trays then make some chocolate cake batter up and make cup cakes with a hot pudding center by putting in the pudding cubes. I had no idea what I was doing and it worked anyways so we can serve them with ice cream and whipped cream.

The rest of the afternoon I spend doing dishes, and laundry and going over the till and writing lists of what was used and what was needed and cleaning up his office, just putting things in order and in first alphabetical and then by date, everything I don’t get or understand I set into baskets. I dust and clean it too.

I look up from upgrading the software on his computer. Taylor’s up and looking at me leaning in the doorway. “Hey..” he says, smiling. I tuck back some errant hair away behind my ear. “Hey there feeling better?” I ask him. “Lots, actually thanks to you.” I can’t help but blush at the direct compliment.

I start to show him what I’ve been doing and how things are organized and honestly I ask a lot of questions as much as anything. We eventually end up him in his office chair and me on his lap as we go over things and the new software I’ve downloaded onto his computer. Tay’s got his arms around me and his chin on my shoulder the whole time. I look at him after a while over my shoulder. “Tay, I mean I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done but I’m…” He kisses me. I mean he really kisses me. I see lights in my head, I feel like I’m flying and my body starts to wake up on me singing, touch me, hold me, touch me.

He does, his hands caress my breasts over my shirt and my bra but oh my god it still feels so amazing, so perfect and right and true. If you’ve ever had breasts of your own there’s nothing like someone else’s hands touching you for the first time. If you’re like me, an girl in transition then it’s so much more. It’s crossing a threshold, like a kind of losing your virginity. There’s this cold certainty sometimes when you start this journey. I’m going to be alone, I’m always going to be alone.

Tay, meeting Taylor, feeling this way is something I never thought I’d have. Thank you god, Thank you.

He breaks the kiss and holds me close and tightly.

I can hear him whispering. “I’m falling in love with you Jenna, I’m sorry but I can’t help it. I’m falling in love with you.” There’s a tremble that runs through both of us as we hold each other, kiss and stare in each others eyes.

Oh God the images we see.

Chapter 3

It was one of those time moves so slowly moments. Tay had told me he was falling in love with me and honestly I was falling in love with him too. How couldn’t I right? He had been a stand up guy ever since I met him, and when I met him I was so low that I was really considering killing myself.

He got in my face and showed me that as bad as things were for me I as far as would know had a long life in front of me. He also taught me there is really no reason for me to not live as I want to live, need to live. When facing death, there’s really not that much to lose.

He knows because he was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor on his brain and he’s literally been living on borrowed time for months now. He carries his final diagnosis with him as a reminder there’s nothing left to lose.

Me I still have that emptied bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand on my side of our bed.

Five days and my life has changed so much, has gotten to be so much richer with him in it and honestly I can’t really picture myself not loving him. So a few seconds after he said it I turned around on his lap and kissed him. We kissed each other back and forth, both of us in our own hearts had been damned so long ago to just be alone. We stared into each others eyes for what felt like an eternity and it was like we were living those possibilities in those instants of forever. My nose started to bring me out of it because there were things I had to check. I smiled at him with what felt like one of the first real smiles in my life. Another thing Tay’s given me back that I thought was killed by Ingrid and my mother and my stepfather. “Taylor Winters I do believe I just might be falling in love with you too.” I slide off his lap and out of his hands heading to go down and start checking on things in the kitchen. I stop at the doorway and lean against it kind of like hugging it.

“Tay?”

He smiles at me, getting up himself and trying to rearrange and settle Mr. Happy. “Yeah Jen?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“I honestly had thought that I’d never hear anyone say they loved me in anyway ever again.”

“In that case I’m glad I am falling for you because I never thought I’d ever meet somebody brave enough to let me say it. After you put me to bed I thought you might be gone like all the rest of them, but you stayed…. Nobody has ever stayed before. Nobody’s ever sung to me before either Jenna, that was better than anything I could’ve been given at the hospital.”

I can’t help but really blush at that and smile at him before slipping away from the doorway to head down to the kitchen to check on things for the supper rush.

The lasagnas had turned out really well all seven pans of them and I start doing up the pudding filled chocolate muffins when Tay comes down and starts to check everything out. He smiles and tells us all. “You girls did a really great job, I’m sorry I was kind of out of it this morning.”

Holly and Njinda both give him hugs and kisses on the cheek. Holly beams at him. “Hey we know about the “you know” and It’s like the least we could do after the way you’ve been there for us.”

My curiosity is piqued and I can’t help but ask. “So Tay’s helped you both out too?”

Holly nods and smiles as she’s chopping stuff up for salads. “Yeah, I was kind of a problem kid when I was younger and got into the wrong crowd for a few years and actually ended up spending too many of my formative teenage years pulling cheque fraud scams and getting arrested for drugs and prostitution and even stealing cars. I got myself straightened out but there’s a whole lot of people that just won’t hire you when you’ve got an arrest record. When I met Taylor here I was just about to either start stripping or going back into being a prostitute. But he saw me and not the stuff on my record and has given me a pretty good job with lots of benefits.”

“Benefits?”

“Yeah, Taylor here pays pretty decent plus lets us keep the tips we get and he’s even got us all on a health plan with like dental and everything. I’ve got two kids and it really saves my ass to only have to pay down ten percent to get a prescription, or to get stuff for the kids. And the fact he lets us do our laundry here for free doesn’t hurt or taking home any left overs that we ain’t gonna use here the next day.”

I look over at him and with my recent year plus of barely scraping by I can get it how this would be really important stuff. He’s trying to cut some of the loaves of bread into slices but he can’t keep the electric knife steady. He’s got this really unsteady stroke like or almost Parkinson’s like shake happening. I just move myself over to that other side and take a hold of his hand and keep it still. We look each other in the eyes, there’s an understanding there. I just hold him steady as he cuts up the bread. “Thanks, I’m shaky sometimes after an attack.” Then he shrugs “It’s not like I’m going to eat all those left overs, and if there’s not enough to use then you or Njinda might as well take them home to ease up on the grocery bills.”

Holly slid over for a second and kissed him on the cheek. “Yeah but it’s really decent of you Taylor, there’s a real shortage of decent in the world sometimes.”

Njinda is nodding vigorously making her braids bounce a bit. “I am from Somalia; Taylor had given me a job here so the people from the government cannot send me back there. He tell the men from immigration that he absolutely needed me here and I have a good life now and can send money home and bring my family here or what is left of them after the war. He is a very good man.”

I smile at him not really being too surprised as seeing how he saved me. “I agree Taylor’s the best man I’ve ever met.” I beam at him with pride, I can’t help it but I’m proud to know him, I’m proud to be…”It’s why I love him.”

Yeah, I said it. I’m in love with him and I even said it in front of people. God that, it feels good to be able to say that. Even as Jaime, I had never said that to anybody before. Do you know how good that feels to be able to just say that out loud? Tay’s blushing quite a lot but leans over from his bread slicing to kiss me. “I’m not all that special, there’s tons of people that help others out everyday. And I love you too.”

Holly gives him a light slap to his other shoulder before putting the salad in the fridge to keep. “Yeah but you’re the guy that’s made a difference in our live, so we get to say that.”

I kiss him again. “Mmmn, that’s right and besides you’re outvoted on this one.” there’s a few nods and words of agreement from the few patrons that are here at the moment.

It turns out that all the money from the juke box gets donated to buy stuff for the local Boys and Girl clubs of Canada chapter, He lets the girls use the bread ovens to make bread to take home rather than buying it and even buys them the ingredients bulk from his distributors. He keeps an empty big blue water jug in front of the cash to buy a new wheelchair for the Red Cross every now and then. He bakes and cooks stuff up for three local churches that run outreach stuff on Thanksgiving and Christmas too. The regulars are more than happy to tattle on how great a guy Tay just happens to be.

I beam at him some more, happy, proud.

He gives me a mock frown. “Stop it I’m just bribing my way to get into heaven.”

I laugh.

God, I haven’t laughed in forever.

I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards and then just kind of let some…of that hurt I’ve been carrying since the night my mother and my step-father hurt me go.

I can feel myself get a little back, but it’s precious to me all the same. Maybe he hasn’t abandoned me. “God…Thank you…Thank you…” I’m crying just a bit but they’re good tears. Tears I’ve needed. A gift.

Taylor’s looking at me and I smile and wipe a few tears away and step up to the counter as the first waves of the supper crowd wash in from their various jobs down here by the rail yards. It’s Friday night and a lot of these guys just got paid and are coming here first for a good bite to eat before either going home sometimes for the weekend or before going to get cleaned up and heading out on the town.

We’re busy as all get out for two and a half, three hours all the way up to nearly nine in the evening before Taylor closes the doors up and we stop. Heck we had to actually turn people away at that point. I’m sweaty and dirty and just as tired as I’d ever been playing football. I’m way more satisfied though. We clean the place up as Taylor goes up into the office and we start to count our tips. Holly and Njinda both made out better than I did with close to a hundred and fifty each tonight, I’m more than happy with my sixty seven dollars. That along with the other nights I worked before I was too sick and the other tips from earlier today brings me to a total of two hundred and thirty three dollars.

Taylor comes down with the pay envelopes for the girls and one for me. I stare at it.

“What’s this?”

“It’s your pay.”

“My pay?”

“Yes…you’ve been working here and everything, so you get paid.”

“But I’m living here too?”

“So, it doesn’t mean you haven’t been helping out.”

“Yeah but…”

“You have a nice butt.”

I blush, and stare at him. “Taylor, I should be paying rent, if not at least room and board.”

“Jenna, I own the place, totally. I don’t pay rent and most of my groceries come by bulk with what I use here at the diner. You did the work, you get the pay.”

He crosses his arms at me like he did with that horrid juice gunk.

“Okay, okay you win.” He smiles at me. I take the envelope and wave it in front of his face. “Just don’t get used to it.”

I look inside and there’s two hundred and fifty two dollars in cash.

“Just how much are you paying me?”

“Fourteen dollars an hour for eighteen hours.”

“What?”

“Look, I’m paying you under the table right now until you can get your ID’s sorted and everything again and then I can put you on the company rolls for benefits and such.”

“It’s a bit much isn’t it?”

“I’m paying Holly twenty an hour and Njinda seventeen.”

“…..?”

“And full benefits.”

“Okay, okay…Thanks Taylor.”

“You feel like going out?”

“Out?”

“Yeah there’s a bunch of things I need for here and you need some things and I stay closed on the weekends so there’s no rush to get everything done tonight.”

“Okay, can I get showered and cleaned up?”

“Yeah, I need to too.”

The girls both leave and we lock up and kill the lights and head upstairs. I dig out some clothes that are a bit baggy and will help me pass and set them out. I climb into the shower and get a good lather going and a nice hot steam that’s doing wonders for my cold. I hear Taylor in the bathroom as I’m showering and then he slips into the shower with me!

“Taylor! Ww, What are you doing?”

“Saving water.”

“Tay!”

“Jenna, I said I love you and I meant it. I don’t want to wait or waste a second with you.”

So what do you say to that?

I’m scared as hell and I’m hiding my shameful bits from him. I close my eyes and there’s tears there thankfully being washed away from the shower. I love him right?, I want this relationship right?

“Tay?”

“Yeah?”

“Wash my back?”

It starts like that, just the two of us and scared to go with it. Both of us washing the day and the stresses of it off of each other and kissing, lots of kissing and soon my breasts remind me of who I really am. My god the intimate way we just touch each others at first. Then his mouth is over my nipple and breast and then there’s more as he kisses, suckles and does curly moves with his tongue. It takes me over the edge and I have an orgasm. It happens like it used to but oh, oh, oh, if feels so different. I feel so like who I was really meant to be then.

I could go further and talk about how I used my hand to bring him to relief and all the gory and gooey details but it wasn’t like that. It was more for the both of us the release of so much from the intimate touch of another person. We both cried, held each other and laughed. I was reeling with happiness as we dried each other off and still touched each other and tickled each other as we both got ready together in the same bathroom. I loved every second of this even when he was in my way.

You’d think at ten thirty at night there’d be nothing open but we ended up in his truck and going to The West Edmonton Mall, It’s huge and it’s been nearly two years since I was inside. There’s 800+ stores here and over 23,000 people work here and up to 2004 it was the biggest mall on earth. There’s lots of stuff open and we go shopping.

First thing right off I get my meds refilled and Taylor pays for them. I go to object but he kisses me. “You’ll be on the rolls at the diner for the health plan Jenna, just let this go, I can get my money back from this.”

We buy a bunch of stuff at the drugstore, I need everything and especially my close up toothpaste and my razors and powders, deodorant and make up and a whole bunch of other stuff. Taylor fills the cart with combs and brushes and curlers and curling and straightening irons and everything under the sun a girl could want and might never need.

I look at him. “Taylor, you don’t have to get all of this stuff.”

“Jenna, I want to. And considering I might never get a chance to if I don’t…”

I punch him in the arm. “You really milk that a bit too much there bucko.”

He give me a sheepish grin.

“Yeah, but really Jenna please…just let me please.” He looks at me and as much as this is him being playful there’s that reality of it that really is there.

“Okay, but I just don’t feel that I deserve this.”

“Jenna…” He steps up to wrap those nice strong arms of his around me and kisses me.

“Jen, after what you’ve been through in your life honey, trust me you deserve this.”

I kiss him back and I’m really drinking in the PDA and the warmth in the way he say’s Jen or when he softly and gently called me honey.

I shop with him after that finding out stuff like he’s not picky about toothpaste but he likes the old spice shaving soap in a mug, and he likes the smell of Earth the cologne and Stetson too but he hates the smell of Axe anything.

We stock up on vitamins and health stuff especially those shake kits. I look at him as he gets several of them. “They’re good sometimes when I have headaches bad enough to make keeping solid food down.” I nod and get a strawberry one too. “My HRT makes me sick too sometimes.” it’s a weird thing to smile and kiss over but we do.

I do get us several things of gels and lubes and condoms when we’re in that section. I blush but. “I want to try Tay, I love you, and don’t want to waste a minute while I’m waiting to get sorted out to who I really am.”

He kisses me. “Yeah me too, but there’s no rush Jen, not until you’re ready.” He means it I can see it in his eyes. It makes it a lot less scary, and more of a possibility.

We got to a bunch of other places including several bulk stores for things for the diner and I’ll say he buys a lot of things I’m really not familiar with. I grew up in a meat and potatoes household and my step father didn’t even like onions or garlic we weren’t really adventurous eaters and my mother despite being French was a really bad cook. She bought a lot of those ready from store to the oven meals. It’s hard work too loading all the stuff into the truck.

Our last stops are Wall-Mart where I buy some clothes and he gets a new lap top and a desk top for the diner and a flat screen TV. I get it when he says. “I’ve never bothered with any of this because there was part of me saying what’s the point, now I want this, I want all of this Jen.”

He leans against me in the house wares section holding me tighter than ever.

“God Jen, I want to live.”

Chapter 4

Really…

Really…

What can I say to that? Is there anything I can say to that? And really despite everything I’ve been through, I’m still just a kid. I’m barely seventeen years old so what in my life even gets me close to have and answer to this?

“I don’t want you to die either.”

He’s got his arms around me really tightly. I actually sigh into it because there’s something inside all of us who wants to be held and wants to hold somebody there and be that most important thing in that other person’s universe. We all need to be needed. I’ve never had anyone need me. I push my face into his chest a bit more and inhale his scent. I let him hold me; I hold him back and listen to the beating of his heart. I do my damnedest to be that this, the person he can hold onto for dear life.

It’s funny how you can have these moments. I’m holding him and he’s holding me and there’s this guy who works there takes a look at us and goes to one of those staff phones on the wall and talks into it while staring at us. The music stops; you know the mind numbing light pop they play in the store and then another kind of music starts to play and the guy gives us a grin and a thumbs up. “Kiss from a Rose.” by Seal starts to play. We look at each other and start to laugh breaking up the tension of the last few minutes. Taylor’s smiling again so it’s good. He kisses me then we kind of just nuzzle each other. He grins a bit. “Kinda like a something out of some cheesy movie huh?” I nod. “Yeah, It’s just horrible.” I start swaying with the music, he moves with it and we just slow dance together.

2:34AM, in Wall-Mart, in the house wares section in the aisle between the bedding sets and the bathroom stuff. It’s my very first romantic dance as myself.

We dance through the song and are smiling and laughing as we load our stuff into the truck and head for home. It’s about 4AM by the time we’re done and that’s just unloading and getting the stuff that needs to be refrigerated into the fridges. I let him do that while I put away my toiletries and things and take my meds and get my make up off. I even slip into a nice but affordable nylon chemise and matching panties to sleep in. I can’t help but smile at the bedroom.

Taylor’s laid down a new floor rug at my side and the foot of the bed. There’s the two nice little lamps with the flowers on the glass shades that we picked up. There’s new sheets by Martha Stewart on the bed too with a nice big quilt. I can smell potpourri a little and Taylor’s got the new bamboo blinds up already and he’s hanging up the curtains I picked out, I can’t help but smile at him making all the effort to make this our room, our place. I certainly enjoy the view of his arms and shoulders and his back. He’s got a lot of very nice muscles rippling under his skin, his nice tan. He’s got this tattoo of an angel on his right shoulder blade and she’s sideways so she looks like she’s looking off or over his shoulder and is holding an electric guitar and her hair’s blowing in the wind. The rest of his body has lots of scars and several tattoos that are in crude ink like street gang homemade tattoos.

All in all with his shoulder length blonde hair he comes acrossed a lot like a rocker. He looks awesome as he’s putting the curtain up in his red plaid pattern boxer shorts. He finishes getting them set up and turns around. “So, how’s it look?” Then he kind of stops and his eyes slide up and down my body. I’m blushing but I try to sway my way to him and smile and kiss him lightly. “I love it.” He smiles and kisses me back and says “You look beautiful Jenna.” His eyes are shining and I can feel him drinking in my image. I feel like I’m actually beautiful the way he’s looking at me.

We cuddle even while standing up and make our way to our bed. I’d like to be able to say we made mad passionate love but it was late and we both had a really long and emotional day so after a few cuddles in bed getting us situated and comfortable and a few kisses we both pretty much drifted off into dreamland.

The morning was a different matter as I woke with us spooning and Taylor was uhm, well he was a sexually normal guy in the morning. I pressed against him and felt him return the favor pushing against me. He rolled me over and kissed me morning breath and all then he paid great attention to “the girls” with gentle suckles and tiny little licks and even using his tongue to worry my nipples while he sucked on them driving me into heaven. I really learned about my own clothes as he used that slinky sexy slithery nylon to tease and dry them off while he paid attention to the other one.

His other hand touched and teased other places on my body as I really got to revel in the feeling of his touch on my girl soft skin. Occasionally he’d use both to cup and to gently squeeze me breasts, other times he’d kiss me, there was one time his hair was hanging down draping his head and face all sexy like and the tips of it teased me maddeningly. He kissed me deeply then and his hand went south to my bits and he rubbed me through my nice nylon panties and as I was reaching my limit we were rubbing noses, nuzzling each other and in this instant I had just closed my eyes to try to picture how it’d be for me if I was really myself…he kisses me on my eyelids.

It was so sweet and so powerfully erotic it carried me over the edge and I arched my body and cried out his name. I uhm ended up handily returning the favor and…and let’s just say I must work on my gag reflex. But the sounds he made when I did that, the way he seemed to melt and tense at the same time. It struck a chord in me that confirmed my budding feelings I’ve been having and exploring. I’m a girl and I like boys just like any other girl.

No one in my old life had woken these kinds of feelings in me. It’s one of the empty things about my life back then. It’s something of me that, I didn’t know. I thought I knew. I suspected, dwelt on it even and obsessed over some of it even.

I’m in the shower after brushing my teeth twice, and thinking about all of this when It kind of strikes me. Being transgendered is a lot like having amnesia. I mean I can know things and I can self identify myself but at the same time when we all start to go through this we really don’t know a whole lot of things about who we are. It’s all Images, those lives we once led, not anything of substance really.

Kind of like our old or otherselves were a movie, one we had watched over and over until we knew it line by line and hated it. Then we start to transition and we’re given the book to read instead and it’s nothing at all like the movie. There’s similarities but it’s really not the same and we all have to start at the first of the book not really knowing what the real story of us is going to be.

I just hope like in many cases my book is better than the horror movie I was living.

I’m just getting out of the shower and finished drying my hair in my underwear when Tay comes up with breakfast for us. He sets it up in one of the empty rooms and put down a blanket and pillows and we have a breakfast picnic. We eat these really nice omelets and a fruit salad with strawberries and orange segments and melon with just a bit of honey and that coffee he made for me when we first met. We even listen to some music he had downloaded while reading the newspaper together and even cuddle up on the floor doing the crossword puzzle (My first one ever.) And we just talk about what we’re going to do this afternoon. Its 12:22 so I guess I’m/we’re having brunch.

We decide on getting things set up here in the apartment and he’s got some things that he has to prep for us to use during the week. So we get organized and move things around and before long I’m busy and dirty scraping away old paint and plaster off the walls in the extra rooms while he’s making home brined corned beef and is baking bread and organizing the stuff we bought for the diner in the storerooms and all those things he’s got to do while he’s giving me permission to really try and make the apartment more of an us space than his space.

Wow, it’s got this really weird dreamlike playing house like kind of thing to it and there’s part of me that’s kind of feeling like it’s a dream. We meet in the middle on the second floor, I’m washing everything I can get in the laundry and Tay actually takes me up on the gravel topped roof where he sets me up a couple of clotheslines so I can hang out our bedding both his and what I have of mine. I especially treasure these two old but hand made quilts that Nona had made for me.

We take a break from things on the stairs him with a iced tea and me with a V-8 and we share a tuna wrap sandwich with I don’t know what in it but it’s very good. We excitedly talk about the things we are doing and even spend a good ten or fifteen minutes kissing and necking. I don’t notice until I go to use the bathroom but I got a hickie out of it. It makes me grin like an idiot like I’m wearing my first girl scout badge. I’m that proud of it.

I guess it’s close to 5PM and I’m taking down the laundry from the clothesline when Taylor comes up behind me and kisses my on the neck some more. “Hey you.” He says as he squeezes me.

“Hey you.” I say back as I lean into him.

“How about I finish this and you go get changed?”

“Changed?” I turn my head up and around to look at him. “Why do I need to change?”

“I thought I’d take us out for a bit someplace.”

“Tay…I…I…might not pass…I mean there might be people who’ll…”

“Nobody said anything last night.”

“That was the middle of the night.”

“Nobody’s said anything here Jenna, trust me most people won’t have a clue.”

“My chest’s kinda too small, I don’t have any hips, my shoulders are too big, my…” Taylor interrupts me just as I’m winding myself up to a crying my eyes out over just how not a girl I am. It’s a kiss at first, a forceful one to shut me up. You know that kiss that makes your eyes widen involuntarily. “Jenna, I didn’t see some boy in a dress when we first met. I saw a half drowned skinny chick with raccoon eyes, but nothing I’ve ever seen from you then or since says guy.”

“Really…(sniff.)”

“Yeah, really.”

“Thanks Taylor, it’s just that. I’m still not really sure that I’m really…good enough.” I can’t help it but the tears spill out of my eyes, There’s that nagging hurt, that little voice I’m sure that everyone like me has and always will. Saying things like they’ll hate you, they’ll know, you’ll never measure up, never, never ever be real, be good enough…

Those few tears become a hormone fueled flood and I cling to him as I cry really hard about my fears, and all the nasty things that everyone’s ever said to me or that I’ve ever said to myself bubble up. This happens, and honestly things have been going too well. I’m not used to being happy and there’s this tension of waiting for that other shoe to drop finally just overwhelming me.

Tay, is Tay and he just holds me, he kisses me no matter how red eyed and blotchy I get and strokes my hair and is so caring and so gentle. He doesn’t go all gung ho guy and try to fix what I’m going through. It’s my feelings and you can’t fix those just support me. Like any other woman, I don’t want my feelings fixed I want to be listened too. I need him to know my heart. It’s Taylor, of course bit’s exactly what he did. He’s the most beautiful and perfect guy I know and of course he’s dying. He’s just not going to be there one day and he’ll just…he’ll just stop.

That sets me off bawling for another thirty minutes before I get a hold of myself and tell myself that he and I just don’t have the time to waste with me wasting time crying and stuff. Wasting time that we could be doing anything and everything under the sun. I wipe my eyes clear and kiss him back as hard and deep and as passionately as I can. I break it with a smile. “Okay…okay, If you think I can do this I’ll try, we’ll go out.”

He smiles at me. “Jen I know you can do this, now you go and I’ll finish up here.”

“Okay, uhm Tay…what are we doing?”

“I thought go out for a late dinner and maybe a movie. I’d just like to eat something not cooked in the building, and get out for awhile.”

“Okay..sounds good.”

I leave him to go and finish the laundry and I get out my clothes a nice pair of black slacks and a really dark, dark green v-necked sweater, some nice underwear in a light blue trimmed with white lace edges I have a nice pair of boots that’ll go with this.

I’ve been crying so I use a trick I read and just put on a little cold cream before getting into my shower. I wash and shampoo, condition the usual stuff and use a cream to get rid of any hairs I don’t want on myself. I do that actually before I wash so I’m all exfoliated when I go to moisturize and then powder myself until I feel silky and satiny smooth then a bit of perfume that has this really mild lilac scent to it with a bit of lavender and a light shot or two of secret body spray.

I’m doing my make up when Tay say’s from the other room. “Jen I’m going to go and get the truck cleaned up before we go out okay?” I smile. “Sure Hon…I’m still painting my face and got to do my hair yet, I’ll be awhile.” I called him Hon…I’m smiling and feeling pretty good as I’m trying to get myself as ready as I can to be really out someplace. Tay turned on the tunes he downloaded for our breakfast picnic before he left.

***

Taylor-

I smile at how happy if nervous Jenna seems. I don’t get why I fell so in love with her so fast and really I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I love her. I know she’s not born a female but that’s just a detail. Just a stupid little detail. Yeah some people might argue the point but they haven’t lived my life. They don’t close their eyes at night and think this might be it…They aren’t living on borrowed time. Until they do they can’t know. There’s really a huge amount of stupid in the world.

But enough about stuff like that. I grab my digital camera and my baseball bat. And then leave out the back. I walk just a ways away and see the beat up grey ford bronco right where I thought it’d be. Yeah the same guy’s there too.

I noticed the tail when I got Jen out of her place. He’s been following us, ever since. I can spot a tail pretty easily. I was quite the little bastard when I was younger and in and out of Juvy a lot. I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of but when you lose both parents and are stuck with an old uncle who can’t keep up with a young kid who’s angry at the world. I was in a street gang when I ran away to Toronto. All my street tattoos are real, and earned…

I take a picture of the side view of his bronco and the real plates , then cross over to take a picture of the front by way of the passenger side. He’s surprised at me suddenly being there and I takes several flashing pictures of him too holding his camera with his big camera and it’s long lens. He’s looks like he might do something but the flash has him startled and I slide my camera into my sweatshirt pocket and take out his drivers side door window with a two handed swing of my baseball bat.

He lets out a yell and starts to freak out and I reach in right through the window and pull him right through the window onto the pavement. I don’t say anything as I boot him in the head and then three times in the guts. I take his camera and the memory cards and his camera bag and the other camera cards in there. He’s swearing and coughing trying to get up. I turn and kick him in the balls. He rolls away from me and starts to puke.

I open his glove box and start to take out his papers and my camera. I take pictures of them.

“You. Mother fucking bastard I’ll call the cops.” he gasps.

“You go right ahead, dips hit. I’ve got pictures of you following me and Jenna all week or trying to.”

“So, it’s my fucking job.”

“You’re job?”

“Yeah I’m a private investigator.”

“Who hired you?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

I step sideways and smash his really expensive camera with a golf like swing of my bat.

“Hey, that’s fucking expensive!”

“It’ll be your head next.”

“You’re fucking crazy!”

“Yeah. You know who I am?”

“Yeah, I looked you up. “

“You know my record?”

“Yeah…”

“You know my medical history?”

“Yeah…I heard about it…sor..”

“They you know what I’m capable of, you know what I’ve got to lose.”

He gulps.

“Who hired you?”

“Vs James Morgan.com.”

“And your contact with them?”

“Troy Mathews.”

I kneel in front of him and shove my baseball bat under his chin. “I know who you are, that means I can fucking find you no matter where you are asshole. You’re going to quit this job. If you don’t I’ll fucking kill you got it?”

“You can’t do this?”

“Really, I’ve got a brain tumor, I’m pretty sure with some fancy lawyer talk I can get off because my condition made me unstable.”

“But…”

“Look, you made her life a living hell by doing this shit. They’ve not stopped harassing her ever since they came out and really if It doesn’t stop you’ll deal with me, and everyone who owes me a favor. And even if there’s anything left after that Jen can sue you and have you charged for being an accessory to a hate crime.” I look him right in the eyes and hold him with my stare. “Now you tell me Richard Douglass is any of this really worth it?”

He shakes his head no.

“Smart move. Call around, tell the other guys that this is a toxic job, whatever you need to but I see another one of you assholes around I’m coming for you.”

“But..”

I silence him with another hard stare. Then slowly stand up and move away. “Get the fuck out of here.”

He’s not long pulling away his tires squealing as he gets the hell away from me as fast as he can. I know I was violent, I know there tons of people that would never agree with what I just did but It’s not about me. It’s about Jenna and keeping her safe and happy.

The people who hired this guy, the ones that hate her and have been finding her and making her life a living hell have set the mood as far as dirty pool is concerned. They chose the kind of game they wanted to play. It’s too bad for them I’m good at it.

I love her, Jen’s still here. She’s still here when everyone else would have bailed a long time ago. She held me like nobody ever has and sung the pain and suffering away. She’s brave enough to be with me and to have the guts to be herself and to love me.

She’s all I’ve got.

I thought for the longest time that I’d die before I’d ever find somebody who’d just love me. It’s the worst kind of hurt I know. The loneliness was worse that the worst pain storm in my head, the pain is just that pain but being alone, knowing or thinking you’re always going to be alone cuts right down to the soul.

She’s the best thing in my life and I’m not going to let anybody hurt her.

I take a few minutes and then clean up the area a bit. Then I go out back and turn on the stereo in the truck and wash it, polish it and then use armor-all inside of it and febreeze the upholstery and put in a nice blanket on the seats and tuck it in and fix it there with some heavy safety pins.

I took about an hour, plenty of time for the cops to come for me but they don’t show. I guess he got my message. I smile and head upstairs to get changed and showered. I put the memory cards into the safe in my office and I’ll look at those later.

***

Jenna-

I’m just putting on the fishing touches to my make up and hair and just primping in general when Taylor comes in and smiles at me as he fishes through his closet for some things and walks into the bathroom backwards. “Wow Jen…You look amazing.”

“Really?, I was thinking about wearing a dress but I don’t have anything in a dress that’s for uhm going out. I never really though I would be.”

“Well that’s easy enough to fix, and it gives you a reason to got out shopping for some more things.”

“More?!”

“Yeah, look I might be a guy Hon but I know there’s a lot of girl stuff you kinda of need and should have that you never had a chance to get, or have given to you or afford.”

“But..”

“Yeah you got a real nice butt.” he’s grinning then closes the bathroom door to get cleaned up himself. I listen to our music, I listen to our song…we have a song…and wait for him. I can smell that smell that makes me shiver sometimes. Freshly showered guy and shaving cream and aftershave. It’s a visceral scent for me, pleasing like fresh coffee, or popping popcorn, or the smell of a pipe, or leather, fresh tilled earth, or fresh sawdust. I know I love the weirdest things…

Taylor comes out of the bathroom in nice but old cowboy boots with a grey on black patina. He’s wearing nice and pressed black dress pants and a snakeskin? Belt with a celtic cross belt buckle, He’s wearing this steel grey dress shirt not buttoned all the way up just one button loose from the top and one of those black dinner/suit jackets with the collar band but without the lapels kind of like one of those really fancy ones. He’s got a matching celtic cross necklace on a steel chain and his light blonde hair is brushed out lose and gleaming. I feel my breath catch in my throat and my heart is crying. I’ve…I fall for him completely right there and then. Bam, head over my 2 inch heels.

He’s a total gentleman as he takes me down the stairs to the truck and opens the door for me. There’s a nice bouquet of flowers on the seat he gives me with a kiss and then helps me into the truck. It’s really cleaned up and a nice shine on everything and smells nice.

We drive to a place called the Wildflower and we’re given a table. We order and the food is really pricey, but Taylor is ordering stuff that’s quite expensive. The food’s mostly French and I order a French onion soup because it’s one of my favorites soups and the house special salad with edible flowers in it and Taylor gets us both a dish with duck breast and herbs and something called fois gras? It’s a great meal if not really rich especially the duck and stuff. I liked it but I’m really inexperienced in what’s out there. Desert is a pair of Yorkshire puddings filled with this lovely custard that has this sauce over top of it that’s just a bit of butter with white truffles shaved into it and flamed Irish whiskey and touched off with a little bit of creame and shaved dark chocolate as a garnish. They said it was called a Worthington a dish inspired by the Boston cream doughnut. It was a similar to that as a Kia is to a Ferrari. It was easily the best meal of my life. The service was grand and both the staff and Taylor treated me like a real lady. I felt like a princess.

To even top that off the chef herself came out hearing that this was out first date and my first time out at a fancy restaurant. She gave us a plastic box with four of those puddings and the fixings to have cuddled up at the end of our night. And she even said they were on her. I couldn’t help but to hug her. I keep meeting people like her and that kid at Wall-Mart that just let me feel like there’s good things in the world still.

Taylor…looking at him makes me believe in miracles.

We head out and just go for a nice drive. Our dinner must have been pricey because he used his charge card but left two twenties as a tip. We drive up around the park and the riverside before going to one of the downtown theaters to catch the 10pm showing we decide on that Charlie St. Cloud movie and he’s getting our tickets while I go to the ladies room more than a little nervous and scared just being there and use the toilet and I’m just getting my kit out to touch up my make-up when I heard voices chatting but there’s one voice out of the three I recognize.

It’s Ingrid….

Chapter 5

I froze.

It had been over fourteen months since we had last seen each other and she betrayed my trust and our sisterhood and our entire friendship. God, part of me wanted to jump her right there and rip her hair out. Part of me wanted to hurt her in worst ways or to cry and scream at her in hurt frustration of all the pain she caused me. It was kind of like those imaginary cut scenes you see on TV shows, or on the Lohan movie Mean Girls. I flashed on all those things but didn’t’t do anything.

I just took a shaky breath and concentrated very hard on putting on my make-up. I think she looked at me a few times while I was there but as far as I could tell…Omg?...?

She didn’t’t recognize me. She had no idea who I was. I finished my make up and touched up my hair before sliding past her with a quiet. “Excuse me.”

I make it over to Taylor where he’s patiently standing in line at the concession stand I step up and take his hand and stand really close to him. He leans over and kisses and nuzzles my neck a little. “What’s wrong, you’re shaking?”

“Ingrid was in the ladies room.”

“Ingrid?”

“She was the first person who I told I was really Jenna. She’s the one who outed me and put up all of the pictures of me and everything.”

“Oh, do you want to leave?”

I honestly had to think about that. I…was I really ready for seeing her here? What if she saw me later and recognized me? What if she outed me all over again? What more could she do?

Huh.

Yeah, exactly.

What more could she really do to me? It’s not like she hadn’t done enough already.

I reach over and take his hand. “No, I want to see this movie, besides we’ve already got the tickets and we’re nearly at the head of the line here.”

“Okay Hon, Just…I’ve got your back alright?”

“Thanks Tay…I’m not normally all that brave…You…You make the difference.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.” I lean into him as we wait in line. You know you can soak in somebody’s feel like it was body heat. It’s what I’m doing right now. “You told me, taught me not to be so afraid of things. There’s a huge difference in the things that we really need to be scared of and she’s not even in that league anymore.”

“I taught you all of that?”

“Yes, you did handsome.” I turn and kiss him. “I love you Taylor Winters, I love you and I don’t have the time to waste on her when I can be loving you.” He kisses me back and it’s that kind of deep romantic movie kiss right there while waiting in line for our popcorn. There’s people around us smiling and girls sort of pointing and nudging their dates. We end up breaking the kiss and I’m blushing and really enjoying the envious looks from some of the other girls there. I keep my head ducked but I can’t keep the smile off of my face. I keep my fingers interlaced with his as a message to those girls looking at Taylor and how handsome he is.

….That’s right ladies, he’s taken….You all had your chances and couldn’t handle it…

Taylor gets us some popcorn and some candies I kind of find it really nice to get pampered like this and I’m a little caught up in the memories of the times Jaime took girls to the movies. It’s a little heady but I’m getting this little buzz or a charge each time Taylor calls me Jen or hon and asks me if I’d like this or that the entire time we’re in that new love can’t stop touching each other even when we don’t notice we’re doing it. It’s seems to ground me into the whole; This is me, this is so right, I feel real…

We pass Ingrid as we go to the screening room and I give her a nod. “Ingrid...” and keep going with Tay down to watch our movie. I know she did a double take. I couldn’t help it. If she does figure it out I want her to see she didn’t break me.

The movie, well honestly it was okay. It was kind of a mix of the teen ghost story genre mixed heavily with a romance rescue story and a bit of Kevin Costner’s Message in a bottle. It was okay I guess. I’m actually not a fan of this kind of chick-flick. I like some of the oldies and there’s some really good ones I love from Pretty in Pink, to Must love Dogs, I’m actually a huge John Cusack fan. Most recently I can have to say I loved was The Notebook. I know it’s cliché but I really liked it. More now that I think about my life now. I can see Taylor being just like Ryan Goslings character…He’s that sort of man.

We go to leave the theatre and I see Ingrid again. She’s staring at me a little a little knot of concentration and befuddlement on her face. I give her a bit of a she don’t matter smile and we are about to leave when I hear say. “Jenna?”

I turn to look at her. “Hi Ingrid.” She stares at me, and stares, and stares. I stare back at her, a little scared, okay more than a little scared but Taylor wraps his fingers into mine and pressed himself against my back and his presence floods me. I’ve got my Taylor force field now. She looks like she’s going to say something and I tense. She keeps staring at me and now looks a little angry and leaves, she just turns on her heels and leaves walking really fast out from one of the fire doors. Her two friends who I don’t know follow in her wake and then they’re gone.

I really hope that’s it. It probably won’t be and I should, no I’ll have to do something about it. I need to get things in my life in order. I lean into Taylor and take solace in his feel. I slowly turn around and drape my arms over his shoulders and kiss him deeply. He kisses me back and I suppose we’re putting on a show again but I don’t care. I beam up at his face a smile of just contentment of having your partner standing up for you, being there for something hard. “Thank you…Thanks for not letting me go through that alone.”

He looks at me even with all those people around us, and some of them watching us and reaches up taking my face and tilting it up by the edges to look up at him, his right hand moves a few stray hairs of mine out of my face and tucking them away and he smiles this little, loving, sweet smile at me. “I’ll always be there for you Jenna, no matter what.”

Then he kisses me. It’s that kiss you read about, the one you see on TV and movies, it’s the one where you can’t help but react and have one leg just rise up off the floor as he’s kissing you curling like your toes.

We take our time walking to the truck and we kiss some more once we’re there. I’m a little chilled since it’s around midnight. Angel that he is he puts his jacket around me. We end up leaving and not heading back right away instead we just go for a drive. Edmonton is a really nice city and despite living here for most of my life I really haven’t seen a lot of it. We look at places that we’ve never been past and actually write them down on a note pad in his glove box. It turns out he’s never seen a lot of these places either. We make plans to go and see some of these places while we have time.

He stops in at a Tims (It’s what we call the Tim Horton’s coffee chain in slang here in Canada.) and gets us two hot chocolates for our drive home. I lean against him just lit up by the dashboard lights as we take our time getting home.

I’m half asleep when we get there and he carries me up the stairs and home. I wake up enough to take off my make up and take a quick shower. I slip into another chemise and matching panties and crawl into bed with Taylor. It’s not long before he’s kissing me and the kissing lends to touching. I love the way he touches me, feather light caresses most of the time. Like he’s a blind man reading the Braille of my body with the pads of his fingertips. He explores my breasts with them even slowing down to this exquisite swirling motion on my nipples and aureoles. Then he’ll cup me in his hands and let the body heat of them just soak into my breasts as he does the finger pad thing with just his thumbs. He squeezes them with just this hint of pressure, the right hint of pressure sending volts of sexual energy through me. These feelings that just scream I’m a woman in my brain. He uses the satin like quality of the nylon chemise too, so smooth, the lace trim even has this exquisite feel to it when Taylor’s touching me. Mouthing and sucking, using his tongue like his fingers, using the chemise to dry them off.

His kisses are amazing. His touch doesn’t just explore my breasts but the rest of my body.

And okay, I’ll admit that I’m just as bad. I love the texture of his skin. I love the feeling of his really hard well toned muscles under that velvety flesh of his. I feel like a cat and want to rub up against him. I kiss him back and give him these nibbles like love bites along his jaw line. I suck on his neck; I give him a hickie to match the one he gave me.

And as I make my way down his body I get to experience those abs of his and inhale his scent that gets headier and headier as he gets more and more aroused. I suckle on those little six pack bumps, I nibble on them as my hands reach into his boxers and start other work.

I love the sounds he makes during the times I’m doing that to him. There’s a sense of power for me and he’s just so vulnerable like that. Gasping, panting, running his fingers through my hair. Saying my name…That’s one of the best things. He’s in this state of pain, ache, lust and bliss and he’s calling out my name. “Jenna…Jen, Jen, Jen…” It’s a massively empowering endorsement of my real gender, my real sexuality, and it lights a fire in my soul that I’ve never had before.

Taylor makes me feel so real.

It’s enough that we try making love. He’s sweet and gentle and we use lots and lots of lubricants that I bought us at the pharmacy. He wears a condom. And it hurts, he was slow and gentle and used fingers to get me ready but it still hurt nonetheless. The pain does and did lessen as we made love and by and far the only real pleasure I got from it was being so completely with him. I loved the very thought of him inside of me. I need though to finally get sorted and be with him the way I should have been born to.

I know there’s a lot of people who really don’t want to hear these kind of gory details and can’t get past that kind of sex but it wasn’t about the sex. It’s about the intimacy of making love. We both needed that intimacy, we’re running on borrowed time…It hits me after we’ve done it and I’ve gone to clean up. The hurt in my body of what we did mixing in with the fact that I couldn’t be with him the way I should be and how dirty it is and cleaning up…and throw that in with tonight and seeing Ingrid and the fact I might lose him…he could die…I might never be with him by the time I get myself whole…

I’m in the bed again for five minutes before I’m crying. I end up crying myself to sleep in his arms and completely ruining what should have been our wonderful night together. Taylor tries to soothe me, he tries to make things better but I’m really crying hard and my mind is putting things out there that shake me to my core. I have these hallucinations that even as I’m crying and holding me he’s suddenly gone. Like he fades from being there and holding me. The thoughts and fears of losing him are that strong. I cry like I’m having my soul ripped out and Tay has to shake me out of it.

I can remember crying hanging onto him. I remember the sheer soul saving relief of him not being dead.. I remember crying over and over…

“Don’t leave me…”

“Don’t leave me…”

“Don’t leave me…”

Then being rocked into the darkness of my dreams and nightmares him holding me his face pressed to mine saying. “I won’t leave, I promise Jenna I won’t leave you, I promise…”

I woke up in Taylor’s loving arms and sighed at the warm safe feeling that flowed through me. Then I realized that he was still breathing…and that I was looking, feeling for that.

“Morning Jen.” I can feel the smile in his voice.

“Morning lover.” I smile and roll over and kiss him. I’m reminded of my soreness a bit and what we did last night.

“D’d you sleep any?” He yawns a bit as he’s asking.

“Not really.”

“I’m sorry Hon.” I look into his eyes and he is. It’s there and deep as much as the fear that this might be the thing to cause me to leave him. God just how much has he been abandoned?

“I love you Tay.”

“I love you too.”

“We need to talk.”

Again there’s that panic there, it’s hidden deep but it’s as clear as day to me. “Jen…” He starts to talk even maybe bargain or beg…There’s tears at the edges of his eyes. I kiss him and roll on top of him and kiss him. I kiss him and keep it up until I feel his body relax.

I look him in the eyes.

“Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“Did you mean that you’d never leave me?”

“Yeah, I mean Yes I meant it Jen, I promised you and I’m a man of my word.”

“Good, I remember last night, I remember that you promised.”

“Okay…”

“Taylor, I want you to go back. I want you to go back to your doctors.”

“Jenna…”

“No!, you promised me. You said that you’d never leave me.”

“Jen I hate it there, I don’t want to die in there.”

“Tay, you promised me, you told me that you loved me. Were you just lying to me? Were you just bullshitting me to get what you want? Telling me what I want to hear?”

“I wasn’t lying to you!”

“Then you’ll go, you’ll do your damned best to stay alive? To stay with me?”

I stare at him using every bit of will power and love and desperation to plead with him…I don’t say anything else I just sit there straddling him, staring…he stares back and I swear time slows to a crawl. To feel like it’s hours. I can feel the tears fall down my face and they drop onto his chest. Tears slowly form into his eyes and then pour leaking out the sides and makes my heart quiver, it makes me shake inside. I don’t turn away from him, I don’t stop and pull him into my embrace…

“Yes…”

“Tay?”

“Yes!, okay? I’ll go back to the goddamned doctors!” He’s angry, loud, bitter…glaring at me and I don’t fucking care because it’s been months and months since he’s last been there. I’m crying tears of relief and joy because we might…we might be able to have a chance. I lean down and kiss him my Taylor, my sweet Taylor and he breaks…He starts to sob, and shake and I pull him into my embrace and hold him as he cries.

“Thank you Tay, thank you.”

Chapter 6

It got really quiet after he was done breaking. I’ve seen guys really badly hurt in my…well Jaimes’s day of playing football and they hadn’t come close to the pain that I saw just pour out of Taylor. He almost cried himself sick. God I had pushed him, and pushed him and I felt like…I feel like such a bitch.

Still I’m getting him to go back to see the doctors. It’s been four..teen months or so since he was given that terminal diagnosis. Right about the same time I became aware of the real me and Jenna was born. Yeah, I know goosebump time.

I get up slowly so I don’t wake him up but stop to give him a kiss on his forehead. I use the bathroom which uhm, felt weird after we had…you know and the first thing I do is go into the room where all my stuff is and I dig through it until I find my bible. I take an old blanket with me up to the roof along with a quick search a partly used bottle of wine and a few soda crackers. I know some people aren’t religious but I was raised in a Catholic and Christian home and I had faith before. I need to get this sorted too. I’m not what most people think of when you think about the faithful types but them I think most people don’t think those of us who are TG to have faith or morals and expect the worst from people like me. Or I guess people like us. I need to talk to god and right now I don’t have a church to got to so I head to the roof. I set out my blanket and kneel on it our rather sit on my legs almost Muslim like and even face the rising sun. No I’m not facing Mecca but it’s how the day starts so it makes sense to me in my strange way. I let the wind blow through my still damp hair, the summer sun shine on my face and I put my face down on the roof in front of me. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for my life, for my soul.”

“Thank you for letting me see who I really am.”

“Thank you for the trials that I’ve been through because I don’t think I’d be me without them.”

“Thank you because I’m starting to like myself., God…I think I see the me you’ve seen.”

“Thank you for loving me, for sending me Taylor to love and keep me alive.”

“Thank you for the new chance we might have.”

I read after that just reading and looking for inspiration.

*1 John 4:18 “ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…”

*Ezra 10:4 “Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

*Psalm 30:10-12 “Hear, Oh Lord and be merciful to me. Oh Lord be my help; you turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God I will give you thanks forever.”

I read a bit of Psalms because there’s so much strength there and eveytime something I read rings true I lift my head from reading to the sunshine and I can feel him. I know there’s people that never will and might believe in a lot of other things. I know I could offend some by writing this, or about this but I do. I lift my head into the warm sunshine and I swear I can feel the touch of grace when I do. This heals me, he lifts me up and gives me strength.

And alone here on the roof in my ratty old track pants and bare feet and one of Tay’s shirts from the wash yesterday and I give myself communion with a premium plus soda cracker and a quarter bottle of some red wine that Taylor buys to cook with. Yes I killed what’s left of the bottle but I toast god while I’m doing it. I’m oddly cheered by the whole thing. My faith is something I got back. It’s another thing they couldn’t destroy.

I put away the bottle and go check on Taylor who’s getting up and just gives me a quiet, sullen, unsure of everything look because you pretty much had to feel that way after what we had been through early this morning. I go over and kiss him. His expression changes to curious and he looks at me his head tilting cutely. “You’ve been drinking this morning?”

“Mmm-hmn, I had a talk with god this morning and did my communion with him.”

“You can do communion alone?”

“I wasn’t alone, but I did it myself.”

“Oh…” As the light bulb went off in his head. “I don’t really know that much about that kind of stuff Jen. I mean I went when my parents died and I went a few times after my diagnosis…well me and Jack Daniels…” He looks embarrassed.

I kiss him again walking him to the bathroom where he was headed anyway.

“I’m sure God didn’t mind Tay, there’s a thing in the bible that says all the plants and herbs are our to use; Wine, whiskey I sure it doesn’t matter to him.”

“I wasn’t there on my best behavior Jen.”

“I know, but if you can’t scream at god then who can you scream at…Even being pissed at him I thinks a kind of prayer Tay.”

I push him against the counter and the sink and start taking down his boxers and kissing my way down.

“Uhm Jen?, I we, you were, we were talking about you know and now you’re doing….Oh!, God…Jenna, Jenna…”

I pull my lips free of him. “You said things to him, and yelled and screamed and asked in the end for help right/”

“Uuuh, uuuh, yeah?”

“So we’re together, I’m here baby now shut up and let me honor his decision.” I go back to my oral lovemaking to Tay and make those beautiful sounds come out of him. The thing is I really believe it.

I really can’t see why it’s not, especially when you consider the timing between us, what do they call it…? Yeah Serendipity.

This morning for the first time I really get into it, have intent and use all those times from my old life…I know what really feels good. It’s just more proof for me that that experience that I felt nothing in my heart about now I’m using in reverse to pleasure my Taylor and to make my heart sing….This morning I swallowed too.

I swear I had him speaking in tongues.

Taylor’s showering while I go downstairs after brushing my teeth twice and brushing out my hair after his fingers had messed it up. My body hums with what I’m calling afterglow even if he hadn’t done anything to me. My soul is humming too as I cook us up a late breakfast and let Holly in with Tim her guy and their two kids with their baskets of laundry and her and I talk about just stuff in general like her and Tim and the kids as I give her a hand with the wash she’s got and making some bread. I’m just normal, there’s nothing different about me during times like these. I love moments like these. I end up making a bunch of French toast. I make my own twist on it and after dipping the thick slices of bread I roll them in bashed up Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal before putting them on the griddle frying them in some butter.

Three sets of eyes stare at me as I’m cooking…one set three years old, another set five years old and Tim of course. The kids make my heart flip over and melt. I can feel my real self responding to them. I loved helping to coach the tykes as Jaime. It was one of the few things that did make me happy when I was doing it. Now, Now I know it’s instincts and that I really love kids. I serve them up some with a few slices and then Tim. “Mooch.” I call him and stick my tongue out at him.

I take our breakfast up to our place and have a glass of V-8 to wash down my meds and take us up a pot of coffee while I’m at it. I see Tay in front of the mirror in the bathroom still. He’s trying to shave but his hand with the razor is doing the Parkinson’s shaking thing. I set our food down and watch him for a few minutes. I can see how hard he’s trying. Both in just trying to do it and trying to really not let it get to him.

I set our food up on the counter of our little kitchenette we have up here and set the table instead of the food I get a basin of hot, hot water. Out on some music and Go into the bathroom and take the razor from him. He looks at me and I smile at him. “C’mere, let me Tay.” He looks like he might balk a little but I put on a sexy smile and back away to the kitchenette and beckon him to follow with my finger. Instead he looks intrigued and he kind of smiles. He get’s to me and I stop him with a hand on his chest, a kiss to his lips and guide him to the table and the chair I pulled out from our tiny two seater table. I wash the soap off his face and pass him his coffee. He takes a few sips as I soak a hand towel in the basin of water. I ring it out and set it over his face and tilt his head back.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

I get out the things we used last night and I get myself “Prepped” I also get his mug with the soap and brush in it and come back to him in just a pair of red nylon and lace French cut panties.

I take off the towel over his face and he drinks in the sight of me as I take his coffee cup and put it to his lips with both of my hands, like a geisha or something. I set it down then climb onto him, kiss him passionately and then slowly lather him up. “Black Velvet.” by Alana Myles is playing as I lather his face up and it changes over to “A song instead of a Kiss.” by her as I start to shave him as I’m straddling his lap on the kitchen chair. I kiss each clean and freshly shaved patch of skin the razor leaves behind. I’ve never felt so perfect, so intimate and very, very aroused. His hands don’t shake as he touches my body my breasts. I pull him out free of his boxers and deftly wrap him literally with one hand behind my back as I roll the condom onto him then coat him with some gel from the things we bought. I move my underwear just to one side as I ease onto him. I want him, I want this intimacy, I want this moment as much as anything in my life. It still hurts but it’s different? I’m the one in charge, on top? I’m making love to him…The pain lessens and it changes…The deepest massage I’ve ever had?, there’s something that does start to become something that doesn’t hurt. That feels good? It’s not what I thought it’d feel like but…this combined with Taylor’s talented hands, his mouth…I straddle him and move with him, we really begin making love as the stereo pumps out. “Unchained Melody.” by the Everley Brothers, It really feels like my first time and that song from the movie Ghost is playing…

He doesn’t touch me there, and just like a woman I actually find release this morning. Taylor makes love to me, long and slow, hard and fast and even once with this rolling of his hips into me as the music becomes a bit more street and hip hop soul. We went fro the chair to him picking me up and my back against the wall my legs wrapped around him, then the bed as I find my release inside and cry out him name even digging my not really there nails into his back and biting and worrying his collar bone with my teeth.

Twice…

I’m cuddled with him as we’re recovering and eating our breakfast on our bed and I’m really sore now but in like the best way I’ve ever felt. I’ve never felt this good ever, ever, ever, ever…gee guys did I uhm say ever?

There is no way in all of creation that any “Guy.” could feel like this. More than ever I’m sure. More than ever I know who I am.

We even doze a little, or at least I do when the sun slips through our windows and with Taylor’s arms around me I just slip into this everything is right with the world place and just closed my eyes a few minutes in enjoyment.

Tay wakes me with touches and kisses and says he needs to get a start on things so he can be ready for next week, or I guess that’s this week coming. We get up and go and take a shower together and I’m still sore and tender but I love it. It’s a good hurt. We wash each other no sex not really, no great moments but there is. I love it. I love washing him and seeing my hands soaping up his skin and the feel of his muscles under the slick soap then the reveal as he washes clear. The way he touches me, the heat, the steam, the closeness of it still is what is the most important thing to me.

Drying each other off is just as awesome, just as hot and fun. We get in each others way, he makes funny faces at me while I’m trying to put on a minimal touch of make up but I’m laughing too hard. We even get into this kind of fight and wrestling match while blasting each other with the blow dryer.

We both go down me carrying our laundry and uhm our sheets and I help Holly who takes one look at us and gives us a knowing smile. Njinda is there too now and she’s using the griddle top to make this kind of African flatbread and we all kind of talk as we work. Just hanging out with the juke box going. Pasta sauce gets made, Beans are soaked out, meats are ground and homemade sausages and meatballs are made. Taylor makes these things that are big chunks of meat set in tubs with stuff to soak? He makes homemade corned beef or more I guess since he keeps making it and rotates them. And Montreal spiced smoked brisket?, Briskets in BBQ sauce, Ribs in Sauce, spiced up chicken coating made from bread crumbs and spices and breaks up bags of chicken into buckets with spices and buttermilk and other things.

I’m on his lap top at one of the booths in between doing stuff to help out. I’m looking up stuff from Taylor’s papers. I look up several things for myself as well, TG friendly doctors and endocrinologists and therapists too. I check with some of my online sisters and get myself updated to how they are and let them know how I’m doing and they’re happy for me scared for me and worried about how hard this’ll be for me. There are some of these TG or TG identifying sisters of mine that have saved me from doing bad things to myself, or falling too far into depression. Even talked me out of hooking or dancing for money.

It’s Sunday so I can’t get a hold of the doctors but I make my lists and get my numbers I’m going to need and everything all set up to talk to them tomorrow. I smell a great smell as Njinda and Taylor have made a stew from the Sudan. It’s adapted of course and he’s used all the scraps from all the meats he’s cooked and browned them off. Chicken and beef, and little meatballs and balls of sausage, the trimmed ends of ribs and lots of spices like bay leaves, cumin, curry powder, paprika with all-spice and nutmegs along with fresh chili peppers to heat it up the broth is made from blended canned tomatoes and red roobios tea along with large chunks of potatoes and sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips and rough chopped celery there’s coconut added to it and coconut milk and the result is this rich exotic broth with big vegetables and actually not a lot of meat in it. It goes amazing with Njinda’s flatbreads and Taylor made corn bread muffins to go with it. African food is a lot like soul food that’s never seen the US south soul-food. I’m a sucker for cornbread and red beans and rice and all those foods out of the deep south. I’m part French Canadian and a lot of soul food came back to us in a big way from the Acadians coming up to visit use up here in the 1980’s and 90’s and it fit right in with the influx of Caribbean’s moving into Canadian cities. My Mother knew a lot of these markets that had people who cooked Acadian soul food. God knows she didn’t cook that well on her own.

It’s really nice, we’re all eating together and doing prep work for this week and the kids are having fun with me having set them up with cartoons to watch on the laptop but mostly they want to help us in the kitchen with things of the laundry. We take the breads out and we start in on making pies. We’re just having fun but I’m learning a lot about all of these things too. I love learning this stuff and Tay’s upstairs with Tim banging around as they do the setting up of things and putting together the new TV and running cables and stuff as Taylor calls some guys he knows over and Tim does as well to help with the work and the guys even take off with the truck to get stuff they need.

I meet Billy who’s a biker complete with the leathers and the Harley and lots of scars and tattoos. He’s a friend of Taylor’s, and when they greet there’s some kind of look and way they clasp hands in some kind of strange man ritual without a ritual. I mean I don’t see anything different than I’ve seen people greet each other like that before but there’s this intangible invisible something…?

Is that why guys can communicate with grunts? Do they have this weird testosterone telepathy?

Davey is one of Tim’s buddies from where they both work building houses. A nice guy and very quiet but with this really blonde hair and baby faced look. He looks a lot like an ex-skater boy. They get busy making a bunch of noise and power tools and just like any effort buy guys in Canada there’s several cases of beer that came in with the guys and up the stairs. Davey was a sweetheart and bought us two bottles of zinfandel for us while we baked and did our own things. I supposed I should be worried about booze and tools but I’m actually not this is a timeless ritual of the Canadian male. I’m not sure about the wine never really haven drank it before. I only drank as Jaime with the other guys at parties and everything, and that was beer. After my second glass I don’t mind it, but I still like beer.

Holly steals us a case of beer from the guys leaving one of the bottles of wine in it’s place. The guys make a lot of noise bitching and moaning about wine and how they can drink that and kind of do their take on the girly girls drinking wine trying to tease us while we tease back acting like some tough talking beer drinking guys. It hits me like my buzz does. I really can’t act like a guy anymore. Me doing it was just as silly and out of place as Holly or Njinda doing it. Nin, was really funny too turning on the whole black in the hood guy bit talky about stuff like his, or her shorty and drinking a forty…We laughed our asses off.

We finish our pies having made enough to feed an army and even some savory ones both full sized and as pie crust turn overs with chicken pot pie and the left over of Nin’s African stew and I make a French onion/hamburger filling and Holly makes chili filled ones too. I’m going to look up some of those UK things like Steak and Kidney pies and a real proper shepherds pie and things I think would go over good for hard working guys down here at the rail yard.

We get things stored in the walk ins (Big fridges.) and I see some really big meat sides and I get an idea and the girls and I cut a bunch of really good thick steaks. I cut a whole bunch of them and we get together mushrooms, peppers, onions and garlic in bundles of foil and wrap potatoes for baking and other stuff to make a BBQ for everyone.

We call the guys down for supper and we talk BBQ and we pack everyone up once they get things squared away (takes an hour and a half) and drive out to Millcreek pond over on Whyte Ave. and we take lawn chairs and a charcoal grill and we spend the last part of the day grilling food and listening to music and having fun. It’s August so there’s still lots of sun as we head into the evening. I go get changed. I’m in the change area and Holly comes in…she see’s me naked….

Chapter 7

I grab a towel covering my bits as Holly stopped suddenly and short like seeing me naked was like a cliff she was just saving herself from falling off. I swear she stopped so fast I almost seen her arms wave around. I can’t help but blush and hang my head in shame as she stops short and stares at me.

I can’t help but cry, turning away from her and fastening the long towel around myself. “I’m sorry Holly…I’m…” I pull my arms up and hug myself and I’m having flashbacks of Ingrid and being outed and…and losing my best friend. The shakes hit and I’m crying and I can see things going bad. “Holly..?, Please, please don’t…hurt Tay, he’s…he doesn’t need to be..”

There’s a hand on my shoulders. Holly takes me and turns me around and does that stoop down to look up at my face through my hair. “Oh honey, I’m not gonna hurt you or Taylor.” She hugs me and pulls me in and holds me tight as I cry on her shoulder. “Jenna hon, why’d you think I’d hurt you guys?”

“Experience, I guess.” My voice is shaky and sheepish.

“Come here.” Holly leads me over to one of the benches. “C’mon tell me about it sweetie” she brushes my hair out of my face and takes some tissues out of her shoulder bag.

“I’m not…I wasn’t born a girl. I didn’t even know like a lot of other people do. I suppose I’m lucky I wasn’t trapped in a body that wasn’t really mine for that long.(sniff)It’s just as long as I can remember back then I felt disconnected, there was few things I ever did in my life that ever seemed to touch something inside me. (sniff) I had been with a girlfriend and tried on her underwear..(sniff) I loved it, I was hooked but I thought it was the kink, I was feeling something for a change. It lead from that to other things and to finally me cross-dressing one night at home alone. I looked in the mirror and saw me…Jenna and I felt everything…For the first time in my life I felt alive. (sniff) I didn’t even realize how much pain I was in until then. I couldn’t let go of this, It grew and grew on me until I had to really try and do this…Be me or try to be me. I asked a girl to help me, to teach me the stuff I didn’t know. I thought she was one of the coolest girls in our school, one of those indie rocker drama types who everyone thinks is a lesbian but wasn’t but she’d probably be cool enough to be about people to be bi. Ingrid wasn’t somebody I’d date but she was kind of my heroine.”

Holly smiles. “She sounds like she was pretty cool.”

I grimace and wipe my eyes and nose. “In those days, Ingrid was awesome. Once she got on board she really became the sister I never had, she was my best friend in the whole world. I loved her and I would’ve died for her…Then she outed me.”

Holly stiffened. “The bitch did what?”

The tears start to flow again as I close my eyes remembering. “She took pictures so we could look at what we really needed to work on. She took those photos and put them out on the internet on F-book and Me-space and everything in my life came crashing down.”

Holly held me by leaning on me being the mom that she is soothing me by rubbing my back. “Your friends and family deserted you, right?”

“No, they attacked me.”

“They what?”

“My friends, They turned on me faster than a rabid dog. I was really successful before…star quarterback ever since peewee football, good marks without trying too hard, even getting into my last years as a high school junior I had scouts checking me out. I could get away with anything, had anything or any girl I wanted. To them I had the perfect life…I never knew there was so many people who hated my guts. They turned on me so fast…the calls started coming in so fast…It happened on the weekend…I guess to trap me into having to face the entire school…”

The memories start coming hard and fast and my hands move unconsciously to rub at some of the scars from my stepfathers belt buckle. I think Holly clues in and notices because she slows at rubbing my back. It’s not so bad but it’s still a mess with scars left over from the time… “My mother and stepfather found out from…I don’t know, somebody called them and they freaked out…my mom totally turned on me because I’m somekind of monster in her eyes and according to her the eyes of god. My stepfather locked me apart from her and later came in really, really drunk and he beat me with his belt and buckle and even lariated it around my neck when he raped me…like a choke chain on a dog…”

There’s more tears, I’ve never really told a lot of people about what’s happened to me. I’m crying on Holly’s shoulder this time and I didn’t even notice Njinda come in and sit on my other side and hold me too. It takes me awhile to get calmed down. I shoot Nin a look, kind of scared. She smiles at me with that big beautiful African smile of hers. “Jenna, I know, I’ve known from the first day I seen you. There’s too much you don’t know about bein a girl.” I can’t help but lower my head. Holly gives me another squeeze “Hey that’s a good thing in your case girl.”

“How can me not being a girl being a good thing?”

“Hey, It’s not what we said. You’re a great girl it’s just you don’t know all the stuff you’d have learned if you were born that way.”

Nin nods her braids accentuating the movement. “Exactly Jenna you haven’t learned enough to be a right royal bitch yet.”

That set us giggling and laughing breaking up the tension. It’s such a relief to have them know and not give a damn about not being like them. We get into our suits and I wear a two piece, I’ve really lost a lot of uhm, size since going on my blockers and my HRT meds. I very, very rarely get that excited so most of the time I’m pretty well able to be pushed flat down there. My bathing suit is not too skimpy and has a hidden tighter built in lycra liner. I got it online, and It’s done and does wonders for the way I feel sometimes.

Despite the time we wasted for the guys going through my latest emotional rollercoaster and the three of us come out changed and our hair and make up fixed. And just stopping long enough to slather on some lotion. It’s late in the day but it’s 2010 and really if you don’t use spf you’re asking for trouble with the UV index and all.

Tim’s in the water playing with the kids and Davey, Billy and Taylor are just hanging out as the grilling is going on. We get a couple of drinks and settle in with the music playing. Taylor’s grilling while Billy and Davey are tossing around the football. Their form is terrible, they think it’s good but it’s a backyard throwing style, not really that accurate. I loved the game back then, it’s why I was good at it. Out on the field my life was simple and everything was clear. I never experienced things that way until I became me.

Grilling is a personal thing and it’s very regional too for the most part. I’ve got step-cousins in the southern US down in Arkansas. There it’s sweet styled BBQ with lots of slow cooking, in the more northern states it’s sharper and more vinegar based stuff. I’m not sure of all the differences with smokes and rubs but we’re just more or less having a cook-out.

Our packet of onions and stuff get’s put on the coals just off the direct heat. With them is the baking potatoes and we put on hot dogs for the kids. I like them too but I just can’t go the massive amounts of ketchup they put on theirs. I like the basics, a little ketchup, mustard and a bit of relish. I have one and help feed the kids. It’s amazing how much of a handful they can be. I don’t mind a single bit as soon as Molly calls me Aunt Jenna I’m done. They called me Aunt Jenna and I look at Holly just to be sure. She gives me this grin and a thumbs up and my heart melts. Aunt Jenna…I love the sound and the meaning of that…Tay cooks our steaks up with just a rub of oil on them so they don’t stick to the grill and lots of salt and fresh ground black pepper on them. There’s a lot of great ways to do steak and I grilled a lot with my step-dad and there were team BBQ’s but this is beef country, Alberta beef is well loved all over Canada and other places. But this way is one of my favorites very plain but well seasoned and Most importantly done to the right way. I’m a lightly rare girl, just enough time on each side for good grill marks and it’s perfect for me. I don’t eat a big steak, but I love a really good steak. A vegetarian I’ll never make.

We even hang around a bit after it gets dark swimming and playing Frisbee and even cooking roasted marshmallows over the remaining heat of the coals. I caught a bit of the waning sun with the girls while waiting after eating to swim and the guys watched the kids and talked about their stuff.

We left heading for home of course with the kids wanting some ice cream once they seen a Dairy Queen as we were driving. Yeah we stopped mostly because of them but then again. I’m a sucker for some of the stuff they have there too. I get a brownie buster parfait oozing with the hot fudge, and apparently I’m not alone as both Holly and Nin get one too. We even clink our cups together and have a shared hot chocolate fudge foodgasm. What was really cool was while we were inside Tay took tin foil and wrapped up some of our towels in it and used the heat of the engine to warm them up while we were inside. So we got to sit on the back of the tail gate with these warm towels under us and draped over our legs as we ate our ice creams in the parking lot in our bathing suits.

I almost felt that I was just seventeen at least for a few minutes.

Then the radio started to play a familiar tune that Tay turned up. He came around and took me by the hand and pulled me in my bare feet out into the parking lot and we danced again to our song. “Kiss from a Rose.” by Seal. It was sweet and really romantic and Holly and Nin were all smiles after we were done. I’m really satisfied as we drive home. I’m eating my ice cream with my knees up braced against the dash as I really enjoy the feelings. I feel a lot more stable in life right now, safer, loved.

It’s and early night for us compared to the ones we’ve been putting in lately. We open back up tomorrow and it’s a busy place. The guys grab their stuff and pack up the laundry and the bread and things. Davey is helping Njinda, I think they make a cute couple. I bit jungle fever, not because she’s black but Davey is very blonde nordic boy, very white. It’s still cute though. They’re doing that flirty stare and blushing thing a lot right now. We all hug and then In head upstairs.

Oh…wow…The guys really didn’t mess around. All the plaster is done and the walls have been primered and painted in all the unused rooms. There’s even this routered edged stained wood trim that goes really well with the brick work.

The biggest thing is our room. They put in an archway between it and the room next door. In our room they moved our bed into the new section and our in tables, and a bookcase along with some pictures and our rugs and stuff are all moved along with Taylor‘s tall dresser and a small stained wood set up for the stereo and sound system along with the CD rack and a turntable to go with a nice big library of records. I’m going to try to listen to some of these. I’ve never actually listened to a real record before. In the old part of our room the closet is bigger now and takes up the bulk of the wall beside the bathroom. On the wall beside it is a triangle shelf set in the corner, and beside it…it’s a vanity…or a dressing table our something but it’s this big old desk with the wood having been painted over at some point and it’s now this pink white result of badly mixed house paints that somebody had done a long time ago. There’s flowers and vines and roses decorating it like somebody had tole painted the thing. It’s very ugly really but so beautiful if you can get that. I mean it’s here and it’s mine…I’m crying a little as I run my hands over it. There’s a big mirror mounted on the wall behind it and my things are nicely set up on them…along with a little teddy bear on top of a wrapped present holding a red construction paper heart that says “open me.”

I sit in the office chair a nice comfortable one I can make myself pretty in and with tearful eyes and shaking hands I open it up to reveal this jewelry box. It’s really girly in plastic pearl pink white and it goes with the desk. I lift the lid to see Cinderella and Prince Charming holding each other and they start to twirl like they’re dancing. The music is “Open arms.” by Journey…I sit holding no hugging the wrapping paper and the bear to me as I watch them dance around and around to the music. Once it’s done playing it starts up again. I spin in the chair heart in my throat, tears in my eyes.

“Oh my god Tay, this is the most beautiful thing in the world!”

He’s right there beside me and tilts my chin up and looks at me with so much love.

“Not even close Jenna, that’d be you.” Then he kisses me like he did last night at the movies. I really feel like Cinderella these days.

I’d like to say we made mad passionate love all night but RL (real life) often prevents stuff we’d love to do. We do shower the lake off of each other and in the shower we kiss and touch and marvel in each other. He does pay lots of attention to my girls and me to his happy man but it’s all hands and even when he soapily get’s me to my happy by so much attention to my breasts and I him we leave it at that and we kiss and cuddle drying each other off and play for an hour or so playing and touching and kissing, lots and lots of kissing before we cuddle up into each other and fall asleep in each others arms.

Monday morning comes way too early after such a busy weekend. The girls are happy and we’re having fun and we’re all kinds of excited as I yank the girls upstairs before opening to show off our new room and my vanity desk and my jewelry box. I’m tearing up again but bouncy happy and it takes both me and Holly awhile before we spot Njinda’s glow this morning. We talk all the way downstairs and at work as we talk like, well like three girls. It turns out Davey had not just drove her home but took in all her things and was sweet as could be with her mother and her two little brothers. It turns out they have a date planned for next weekend. All of this makes the morning rush just fly past.

We settle in for the clean up and get ready for the lunch crowd stuff and I head up to the office and make my calls. It takes me an hour and I get an appointment with Dr. Matt Clarke the leading specialist in oncology at the hospital for the U of A (University of Alberta.) I get appointments for myself in the therapy department and one for Dr. Linda Fine who is a doctor with a good reputation for nearly specializing in transgendered medicine. I go down stairs and kiss him. “I got our appointments set up.”

“Our appointments?”

“To see the doctor about your cancer.”

“Oh…Yeah, okay…” I can feel him tense up under my fingers.

“Hey, you said you would.”

“I know what I said.”

“Tay…”

He turns away from me and heads into the walk in cooler. I feel this lump in my gut from the way our talk just went. I wipe away a few tears and I burn my eyes a little because I had just handles some sliced raw onions and got the juice in my eyes just now. It get’s my upset and angry enough with myself and him and really the whole situation.

I’m a little terse and short with the customers before I can’t take it anymore and stalk into the walk in. Taylor is in there and he’s actually beating on hanging pig like it was a boxing bag. There’s some stuff knocked over and spilled. “I think the poor pig seen enough abuse at the slaughter house.”

“You...you’re still here?” It’s angry, almost an accusation. It hurts.

“You kicking me out?” I shoot back.

“……….”

“Tay…?” oh shit I’m getting scared.

“……….”

“Taylor…”

“……….”

“Okay…I’ll…I’ll start pa..packing…”

I turn and leave and run up the stairs crying. I should’ve known better, I should’ve known! I mean it’s me who the fuck would even think about loving a freak like me! Everywhere I look I see things I love and saw as what might be my future…It was all bullshit, just lies and lies and fucking lies I told myself to paint me this image of the kind of life I thought might have been possible.

I can’t take anything here.

I just can’t take it.

I run.

I tear off downstairs and Taylor tries to stop me but I fake left and roll past his side and I’m passed him and running out the back of the diner and running away from everything I have ever had down the street.

I’m out of shape and that’s been on purpose but I’m still in good shape and I know how to run, I’m trained to run when being chased. There’s old reflexes that have taken over for me at this point. I keep hearing Taylor running after me. I can hear him yelling.

“Jenna!”

“Wait dammit!”

“Jesus Christ will you wait!”

I hit one of the main streets and just crazy and not caring if I lived or died I run through the traffic. I cross the grass divider and I’m halfway acrossed the next lane of traffic when I hear the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard.

The screech and scream of tires and the long sound of somebody leaning for dear life on a horn and the Tay screaming “Jenna!”

I turn in a blind panic not wanting to see what I knew I was going to see. I mean this was where I really lose Tay right?

I see Taylor staring at me as I get struck.

There’s the sound of crunching.

Then everything goes end over end into darkness.

I smell blood.

Chapter 8

It’s dark and distant with the smell of blood and gas in my nose and like a far off echo I can hear Taylor screaming at me. I can hear “Jenna!” and “No!”

There’s the feeling of movement.

I see a bright light and there’s voices.

Voices calling out my name. “Jenna?, Jenna?, Jenna can you hear me?”

***

Taylor-

Oh god, oh goddamned Jesus Christ what have I done?

It started out as a pretty good day. The night before was awesome and I see things with Jenna, feel things with her that I’ve never seen before or even thought that I’d see. Or get to feel. I’ve said it before. Other girls just don’t get it. They met me, liked me, dammit they said they loved me. But once my tumor comes up, once I have an attack or get the shakes or I’m sick from a headache that won’t go away they took off.

Jenna’s different, and it’s not because she’s TG either…or maybe it is. It’s just she’s gone through hell herself. She’s stayed with me and loved me already like nobody else.

So what do I do? I get upset with her for fighting. Get all scared and pissed off and angry because she wants me to go back there. She wants to keep fighting, she wants me to keep fighting.

I said things I shouldn’t to hurt her. To hurt her and to push her away from me so I don’t have to fight. So I don’t have to be in there wasting away dying. I was a fucking coward and took it out on the one person who I had left. The woman I love.

God I’m such a basket case I’ve killed her.

My parents died; I’m dying from cancer, and the one relative I had my Uncle Charlie, my grand-dad’s brother who took me in died of a heart attack while I was in Juvy and then I was alone. I’ve always been alone, you know where it matters.

I’m stubborn, you know when I got sick and the doctors found the cancer and I stayed in the hospital for nearly two and a half years. I’ve been drugged with this and that and hit with radiation and all that crap already. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I left AMA (Against Medical Advice.) I fucking hate that place, I hate being like that. I feel like I’m dying, really dying when I’m it there. Suffocating dying in there.

I said things you should never say to somebody you love.

I let her think things that drove her away.

Then she said she’d start packing her things.

I hit that stupid pig for maybe another five or six hits before I realized what I’d done…When I met Jenna…she was looking to end herself…I really, really might lose her.

I ran as fast as I could after her. I caught her as she was running from downstairs and out towards the back. Okay, I thought I caught her…she was going left, then right, then left then rolled around my grab at the outside of my arm and then she was gone. Taking off like a shot and even jumped the eight feet to the ground right off the loading dock and hit the pavement running? What the hell? When did I fall in love with Jaime Sommers (The Bionic Woman.) I run after her, I try to run after her and I’m yelling at her, screaming at her to stop.

I watched as she ran through four lanes of traffic crossed the green strip then I saw the truck down the road swerve like he was drunk into somebody’s car. The whole thing distracted her, she turned eyes red from crying and stared right at me. The woman in the chevy impala was distracted by the car accident and didn’t see Jenna.

I couldn’t get there in time and no matter how fast I ran all I could do was watch her get hit by the car and see her go up into the air in slow motion the car hitting her in the legs and then she partly turns over in mid air and comes down hitting and spider webbing the windshield of the car and then the force bouncing her up over the hood of the car until she crashes down again right at the back of the care before the spoiler and that’s up high enough it makes another impact so hard it half tears off.

Then another slow motion spiral around and around as she hit’s the ground and rolls on the pavement.

There’s chaos going on all around as I’m running to her. I see blood fountain out of her left arm and I’m trying to stop the bleeding!

“Oh shit, oh god!, Jenna!, Jenna!, hang on baby, hang on!” I yell, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Somebody call 911!”

Time flows all out of joint for me as I’m holding my hand to the place where the blood was squirting out from and there’s glass cutting into my hands and I’m begging her not to die.

“Please, please baby, you got to live. Please Jenna hang on! Don’t leave me…please, please don’t leave me. I love you, I need you…c’mon honey please stay with me.”

The ambulance and the paramedics arrive and take over moving me gently aside so to keep her from bleeding out. They get her packaged and we get into the ambulance as their checking her vitals and shining lights in her eyes and saying medical stuff I don’t get but we’re driving like bats out of hell and one guys sticking needles in her and they’re yelling at her trying to get a response.

We hit the ER at a run and I’m only allowed to go so far…I push though moving an orderly out of the way and lean down to her. “I love you, I love you and don’t you dare die on me, you got that!”

Her eyes flicker open for a second and there’s blood in the eye, in her teeth as she smiles at me and somehow manages to say “Ditto.”

Then her eyes roll back in her head and there’s that death knell long.

“Beeeeeppp!” of her coding….

I’m screaming. “Jenna!” as they take her away from me…

Chapter 9

Everything’s confusing and in a jumble as I feel like I’m moving. There’s people yelling at me again and I feel pinches in places. My chest feels so heavy, it’s hard to breathe. Is someone sitting on my chest? Taylor…?, I hear Taylor? He’s alive?…Yeah, It’s him…I hear him closer now, closer…

“I love you, I love you and don’t you dare die on me!”

I force my eyes open, I know I’m hurt. The more I push myself to the surface the more of the accident I sort of remember. I look at him and smile, I’d stroke his hair if I wasn’t tied down. There’s a lot of stuff I could say but I…I tried to…but everything was a jumble.

“Ditto.” was all I got out. And it was like someone suddenly dropped a car on my chest.

The last words to the guy I love and it’s Ditto? God I’m so lame.

***
Taylor-

I wanted more than anything to go with them, to go after her as they rushed her into the trauma unit. I even fought and argued at first until two very big security guys a paramedic and a police officer made me calm down.

I’m in a daze after a nurse gave me a shot of something and that helps…probably valium. I feel slightly dopey but really loose in my body. That’s a muscle relaxant.

They clean me up and the cops start asking me questions. There’s the ones about what happened and then there’s the ones about James Morgan.

“Who?”

“James Morgan, your boyfriend.”

“Her name is Jenna asswipe not James. And She’s the woman I love.”

“She ain’t a she at all, so spill.”

“Nurse!”

“Now what?” That’s the cop.

“Yes?” That’s the nurse.

“Can I get something to write with?”

She digs through a drawer and passes me a yellow paper notepad and a pen. “Here you go, can I get you anything else?”

I stare at the cop intently then start jotting down his name, rank and badge number. “Yes can you tell security to get this police officer out of here? He’s already shown that he’s prejudiced against my girlfriend and her medical issues.”

“He ain’t any medical issues other than the injuries from the accident. He’s just another homo and this is just another bunch of fag drama.” the cop.

I see the nurses eyes widen then narrow to slits. Angry woman slits. “Officer if you don’t get the fuck out of here right now there’s going to be a problem.”

“Listen missy, you can’t tell me shit so be a good girl and…Arrgh!” He was mouthing and she just reached over and moved twisting his arm behind his back in a martial art hold and pushes him outside.

“Mark!, Hank! Get this officer out of here he’s accosting a patient and he’s been saying prejudicial things about our girl in trauma.”

The cop is struggling and the two big guys take him by the arms.

“You fucking let go of me!, You’re all assaulting a police officer! I can’t believe you’re all standing up for some tranny faggot!”

You could’ve heard a pin drop in that ER.

Some doctor there with graying hair stared at the cop and told the security guys. “Get that Man (Not police officer.) out of here. Put him in the safe room and somebody call the police and the RCMP please.”

I really wish I had this on video for her.

They don’t tell me much other than they’re working on her. They lend me get a phone and I call the diner. It takes awhile to calm Holly down and get her to close up the diner until further notice. I tell her she might have her personal information somewhere upstairs. After that I’m not her family even if I’m the only thing she’s got so they let me sit in the closest waiting room they have to the ER. The tough little nurse comes by with a coffee.

“Taylor?”

“Yes?” I look up. She gives me a bit of a smile.

“Look, I can’t tell you much but they’ve got her breathing again okay?”

I nod. “Thanks, I’m sorry you’ve got to go through this much stuff since I’ve been here.”

“Hey don’t worry about it, that cop had it coming. Don’t worry you’ve got lots of witnesses about him. Besides he was lucky I didn’t kick his butt just for the stuff he was saying.”

“Jenna would’ve loved to have seen that.”

“I had to, If I let him keep spouting off like that then I couldn’t go home and look my own daughter in the eyes.”

“Your daughter?”

“Hunter, she’s the same kind of girl Jenna is but she’s only twelve.”

“Isn’t that young to transition?”

“Yeah, but they’re diagnosing things earlier and earlier now and Hunter’s starting when she’d be starting to grow as a girl anyway so it’s better for her although there’s a lot of controversy about it.”

I see Holly and Tim and the kids along with Njinda and Davey. She gives some papers in a brown manila envelope to the ward clerk and get’s things sorted. She’s got a couple of bags of stuff with her including a change of clothes for me and for Jenna.

We settle in for the long, long wait.

***
Holly-

The day started out really good. I had a nice cup of coffee to myself as Tim got the kids out of my hair as they lugged some of his tools from the garage to the truck to help daddy. He’s awesome with the kids.

I kissed him goodbye and he left with the kids to drop them off at his mom’s place. His bitch of a sister had it out with his mom years ago and moved to Ontario and has pretty much cut off contact. She doesn’t get to see those grandkids, it hurts her a lot so When she practically begged to watch the kids for free I couldn’t say no. I’m really careful not to abuse the privilege. She’s also like a mom to me. My own mom’s an alcoholic and used to hit us and all sorts of stuff that drove me into a lot of trouble when I was younger. I’ve been lucky really.

Last night, I had a surprise in finding out about Jenna. She passes really well, I mean once you know you can see it but when I first knew her with the small perky breasts and the strong shoulders and her height and skinniness I thought she was one of those really athletic girls. You know like some of those anorexic looking runner types. It didn’t matter what she was. Jenna’s a sweet girl and a friend, a good friend and she makes Taylor give a shit again.

Don’t get me wrong, He’s a great guy. He’s one of those guys who cares about everyone but himself. Jenna brought him back to life.

Then they had this fight. Jenna had made appointments this morning for herself to get herself sorted out and back on track for her becoming a woman. She also set up new appointments for Taylor to go to the cancer clinics to get some updated reports and look at his cancer. He wasn’t happy when she told him she had the appointments made. He turned into the typical scared guy and mutated into an asshole. Taylor’s one of the nicest and most stable guys I know. For him to get that scared.

I look over at him. He looks like shit.

Jenna took off and Taylor did get a clue as he stopped hitting the pig in the cooler and swore and took off after her to stop her. You know I didn’t really believe Jen when she was telling Nin and me about her once being a star football player. She got passed Taylor in what really looked like the way a football player might move then she was gone out the back.

Nin and I were rushed off our feet trying to keep up with things and it got to be hours that they were gone and I was getting pissed at the pair of them. I mean if they were sorting things out they were sorting things out, but dammit couldn’t they do it here?

I was mad until about quarter to three when the police pulled up. They informed me and Nin by the police about the accident and where Jenna and Taylor was. And asked some questions about things that happened and if this was where Jenna was living.

It was another hour when Taylor called.

“Maverick’s, how can I help you?” Mavericks is the name of the diner.

“Holly; It’s me Taylor…”

“How’s Jenna?”

“How’d..?”

“The cops were by and told us, they also wanted our take on the fight and what happened.”

“’Kay, uhm look I think she’s got some of her personal papers and stuff upstairs in those green plastic milk crates, could you look through them and try to find the stuff the hospital’s going to need.”

“Yeah sure no problem, uhm what about the diner?”

“Close it up until further notice, okay? I’ll cover you’re and Nin’s wages okay?”

“Yeah sure, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

It took me and Nin an hour or so to stop everything and Davey shows up when I call him and Tim. They tell their bosses it’s a family emergency and take off from work early. Tim dropped Davey off at his ride and he came over here while Tim went to fetch the kids.

I found the papers Taylor was talking about and a bit more. I had to make a decision and after a coffee and a smoke out on the fire escape I had to. It was only right in a way I just hoped that Jenna would forgive me. I was nervous when I dialed up the number.

It rang about seven times and I was getting ready for the machine.

“Yellow!, Powerhouse?”

“Uhm, excuse me?”

“Powerhouse gallery how can I do for you?” This guy talks weird.

“I’m looking for John Powers, I think I got the wrong number though sorry.”

“Hey…You got him, how can I help you?”

“John Powers, formerly married to Natalie LeBlanc?”

“Yes, look if you’re one of her lawyers we settled things a long time ago.”

“No sir, it’s really little to do with that Scunt.”

He cough, chokes a bit over the phone. “You’re not a lawyer then I take it.”

“No I’m a friend of your daughters.”

“Uhm, I’m sorry miss I don’t have a daughter, I’ve a…”

“You had a son by the name of J’aime Christian Morgan, you’ve got a daughter now by the name of Jenna, and she’s a transgendered girl who’s like a baby sister to me.”

“…..Uhm….Transgendered you say?”

“Yes, that’s right and she’s an awesome girl that’s been through hell.”

“Tell me, please…Natalie took her away once she found out I wasn’t going to drape her in the finer things in life. I saw my child twice, just twice before she had me charged for being an abusive husband and setting me up…”

I talk with him about an hour and tell him everything that Jenna told me and the stuff that I’ve found out here with the newspaper and court clippings that Jenna had there in her things. There were charges pressed against her mother for attempted murder and as an assesory to assault with intent to cause great bodily harm and rape. Her lawyers are still appealing the whole thing on the basis that finding out about her son driving her temporarily insane. There’s even some priest of hers saying that she was so distressed from the magnitude of her sons sin that she was driven mad.

Stephen Morgan the step-dad was charged with rape and was fighting accusations from her as well as she’s testifying against him to try to get her own charges reduced.

It looks like Jenna’s been following the whole thing and then there’s “Vs Jason Morgan.com” I hate the damned thing, I looked it up as I talked with her dad over the phone. There were lots of pictures of Jenna when she was still hiding as James. They were clearly the worst of the shot’s but there were others, ones of her working in s strip bar. A tranny strip bar. Shots that made it look like she was hooking and lap dancing…and the comments and letters written there…I was nearly sick to my stomach. I was crying when I was on the phone with him.

“Holly, I’ll be up there as soon as I can…Here’s my cell number if you hear any changes.”

“Okay Johnny.” Yeah he’s that much like his daughter in that short a time I’m calling him Johnny.

We sit together and wait, and wait , and wait with none of us being family legally to her we’re not allowed to know much of anything. Without Jenna’s permission they’d be violating her privacy.

It’s three in the morning Tim’s come and gone with the kids and they’re with his mom right now. Sweetie that she is, she sent a big thermos of soup and a big Tupperware dish of sandwiches, she’s never even met Jenna or Taylor yet. I’m sipping a coffee and I see this big handsome guy show up with a travel bag over his shoulder. He’s six foot plus close to six and a half feet tall and has a great athletic build, not hulking but the kid of build of a guy who’s outside a lot and works with his hands a lot. Dark brown hair nearly black but shot with some grays just enough to make him sexy. Clean shaven but with that scruff on him like he’s been too busy to shave recently. He stops at the nurses station and talks to them even taking out his ID and papers. She reads them and calls on the phone for a few minutes and then she leads him over to us.

I reach over and shake Taylor who wasn’t really asleep just tucked sideways into a love seat staring out the window into the darkness. Kind of curled up like he’s a wounded animal. “Taylor, Jenna’s dad’s here.”

“What?!” He shoots to his feet. “Where, I fucking kill him!” he’s nearly growling.

“No, Taylor, not the step-dad her birth father.”

“Huh?, I…Jen, …Jen never mentioned him.”

“No, she was still trying to work up the courage to contact him. I found his number in her things.”

“She might not have been ready for this Holly, she isn’t the kid he knew.”

“He never had a chance to know her. The Scunt took off with her after saying that Johnny was abusive and hit her and cheated on her. He was living in Montreal going to university there and she knew people. He wasn’t going to be some big money lawyer so she framed him for a divorce he couldn’t contest and has been sucking him dry from the judges ruling since. He wasn’t even allowed supervised visits because he was a danger to them.”

“Jesus, she was a real piece of work wasn’t she?”

“Still is she’s trying to wriggle out of the charges for trying to burn Jen alive.”

“…Bitch…” He looks at the guy as he’s walking to us. “So Johnny huh, what’s he like?”

“He’s like his daughter Tay, he’s here isn’t he? He’s probably never stopped since I got off the phone with him.”

He walks to us and I move to give him a hug.

“Hey Johnny…”

“Hey Holly…” he hugs me back and lets me guide him and introduce him to Taylor.

“Taylor Winter’s, John Powers, John Powers meet Taylor Winters.”

I watch then shake hands doing that dog/guy like checking each other out sniffing thing they seem to do.

They talk for a few minutes each giving the other what they knew. Taylor talking about him getting together with Jenna. Johnny telling us about how he was never allowed to even see Jenna so he had no idea of what had happened in her life. He wrote but he’s pretty sure Jenna never got any of the letters he had sent them or the birthday and Christmas presents.

Taylor gets really upset as they talk. He get to the guy frustrated I’ve got to hit something fit and punches a fist into the drywall in the family room. Johnny takes him to the stairwell saying to the security guy who came running that he’d pay for the damages. The guy almost says something and gives this guy this quiet intense staring that was…I’m a father and you’re fucking with my family. He rasps out to the guy. “My daughter is lying over there (Points) in a coma and you’re here giving me shit about us being upset? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll talk to the chief of staff about it tomorrow if I have to.”

He was awesome but it’s kind of overshadowed by what he said. Jenna’s in a coma.

***
Jenna-

It’s dark at first then I guess is me kind of realizing that I’ve been in a really bad accident. I think I might be dead…I find the one person I was made for, the man that I love and that loves me back and Instead of him dying from his brain tumor, I get killed in a car accident over me being way too messed up and EMO to take it when him and I hit a rough patch.

He was so angry at going back there, so scared he lashed out at me. He wanted me to leave him. If I left him then he wouldn’t have to go back there and face the hospital again.

I wonder how many of these girls that left him he’s done that to. I miss him, I already miss him and I hope I’ll meet him again. God Taylor I love you. I don’t want to lose you. I love you even when you’re being and ass. You didn’t have to be so scared, I would’ve been there. I loved you. You were the other half of my soul.

God?, God? Can you hear me? It’s Jenna, I think I need your help.

***

John Powers-

I’m still reeling over the last few days. Yeah few days. Jenna my daughter once my baby boy J’aime is lying in a coma from a combination of swelling on her brain from head trauma and lack of oxygen to her brain when she collapsed a lung and stopped breathing. She had a lot of bashes and bruises and scrapes along with a gash that cut deeply into the muscle of her right shoulder where she hit the woman’s windshield.

When they let me in to see her she doesn’t look like she ever was my little boy. The few times I seen them as a boy was in games that I seen put online through his schools website and in a few interviews on TV.

Jenna looks like hell and just seeing her hits me hard. I had a little sister that was two years younger than me who died in a car accident with a drunk driver when I was just about Jenna’s age now. She’s such a dead ringer for Katie right now it hurts, and takes my breath away.

I cry, I hold her hand and I cry for her. I’m right back there and reliving losing Katie all over again through my daughter. She’s beautiful even with her head shaves and all the bruising. I call mom and dad back home in a tearful explanation of everything that’s gone on and everything they and I had missed out on. They never got to meet her either. Natalie fought them off with her bullshit back then too. Being not a rich family they really didn’t have the funds for a proper legal defense. After all Natalie was defending herself and I must have learned my abusive ways from someone right.

Yeah, my mom taught school and my dad fished lobsters as a hired hand when he wasn’t delivering the mail. I grew up in a decent house but without a lot of the fancy stuff the money kids had. They were as crushed as I was over her taking J’aime from us. I knew Natalie and I were done after I took her home and she hated PEI and Charlottetown and told me that we were never going back there.

She was really less than happy when I was going to be a lawyer for legal aid. I fucked up her first plan then I guess.

I send mom and dad the tickets to fly out here and Holly and Tim are like real family as they drive out to the airport to pick them up then run around to get us rooms at a really decent motel close to the diner and her and Nin cook our meals there and do our laundry there too. I see my mom’s heart break when Holly’s kids Molly age five and Alex age three went over to her one night and tugged on her dress.

“HiJ” Molly said all kind of shy and dimpling.

“Hello sweetheart how are you.” My mom’s got a huge smile on her face, she loves kids.

“Good…You Aunt Jenna’s Baba?”

Mom looks at me. I shrug. Tim looks over at me. “It’s Ukrainian after my mom, it means grandma.” Mom nods and smiles at Molly. “Yes honey I’m Jenna’s grandmother.”

“’Kay…If Aunt Jenna’s my Aunt like mummy says does that mean you’re like another Baba?”

Mom looked flummoxed and looked around and Holly gestured Molly and Alex over. “You remember what I said about how sometimes if you’re really lucky you can meet someone you love so much they become your family because you wanted them to?”

They nod like a couple of bobble heads.

“Then you remember that it’s still up to both people if you want to make each other family.”

More bobble heading.

“So…?”

Molly leans up and whispers in her mother’s ear. Holly nods and smiles. “It’s cool with me, but you better ask her yourself.”

Both kids rush my mom and hug her around the knees. “Please, please, please can you be our other grandma?”

I cried seeing my mom cry.

And dad?, forget about it. Molly had him wrapped around her little finger the first night they got here when she crawled into his lap and fell asleep. An Alex…as I understand Tim and Holly don’t have any dad’s around. Holly never knew hers and Tim’s was killed in a logging accident when a pile rolled. Dad’s the grampy by default.

I could be really pissed about a lot of these things. I am really pissed with Natalie. My first calls were to the family court judge that presided over my case. It turns out he’s in prison for taking bribes. I call around until I get the right people to discuss my case, my rights and then send him everything that Jenna had in her folders about her mother and step-father.

I hate that son of a bitch. But I hate Natalie too so I send his lawyer copies of how she set me up and the corrupt judge. It won’t get him off but it’ll give his lawyer something to keep her from pinning the blame on him.

I get the money that I’d been paying out reversed, with her owing me but with her unable to pay and her house in a lien from her own court costs. I file remuneration from the Quebec family and provincial courts. I paid child support and damages to her that in an untainted trial I might never have had to. I file a charge at her law firm that she owes me monies and that their client was potentially involved in a judicial scandal and possibly even kidnapping charges in regards to my child and that they are being warned that I’m contesting the lien on her house as it was partially paid for by criminal gains in the fraudulent amount of money she had taken from me. Yeah I’m an asshole but she took Jenna from me for seventeen, nearly eighteen years and tried to light her on fire.

I know she was pissed. J’aime was going to be a great football star, he was being scouted by US colleges. He was going to be rich and famous and make millions in endorsements and contract money and she’d ride his coat-tails the entire way. When Jenna became a reality it all slipped through her clutches, she flipped out and revealed her true face. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to save them from her. I should’ve kept trying…

Day five and I get word I won and the I get the Quebec government to pay up. I get them to re-issue Jenna a new birth certificate as a girl, in her name. There’s some resistance but I rattle my lawsuit and class action threats with the other people that judge might have screwed over. It’s not long before they agree with me and with the right papers I get signed with the doctor that she had her appointments with and the other doctor and therapist who had seen her before she’d been put into the group home. I’ve gotten my baby girl her birth certificate and that lets me get the ball rolling on the conversion of the rest of her Id’s. My daughter, Jenna Powers.

I even get the money they say I’m owed put in her name in cheques for her. They even found that I had grounds to own at least part of Natalie’s house. It goes up for auction to split the monies, and the asshole is taking his share which is bigger since it’s in his name and her share won’t cover her legal fees from the law firm she’s been using. They dropped her and she’s left with a public defender unless her priest friend is going to pay for her defense.

Jenna’s my baby girl and there’s nothing I’m not going to do for her. I very, very nearly lost her. I never got to know J’aime at all. I’m not going to fail my daughter too.

***

Taylor-

It’s been days with Jenna in her coma. John hasn’t blamed me for what’s happened I’ve been doing enough of that myself. Blaming myself and wasting time. Getting drunk and wasting time.

John didn’t take that. Neither did Tim or Davey but you get to the point you try to find something as a release. Tim was really pissed but not as much as Holly. Her mom was a boozer so she was less than impressed with me. I lost some of whatever respect Jenna’s dad was showing me. I really felt like a failure. Even Njinda was pissed off at me. It took me a visit to my parents graves and my uncle Charlie’s to talk things out. To get things right in my head, to whine and bitch and scream. I remember I fell asleep on my parents grave all night. I had a dream, I left knowing what I had to do.

It took awhile to find it, I got it cleaned and altered.

I found John and asked him. Hell I begged him. I even asked his parents.

I went to the doctor…

I went to that damned place and hated every second of it as they set my appointments.

Blood work on top of blood work.

X-ray’s.

Cat-scans.

MRI’s.

Each time I get through it.

I get through the needles and drinking that make you sick radioactive so we can see inside you crap. The let’s put an IV of something like it so we can light up the blood vessels in your brain stuff. “This might feel a little like it’s burning Mr. Winters.” Like a little?

I nearly gave him an enema with it.

Sorry, wrong cancer.

I go back to her after it each time. I hold her hands. I tell her sometimes in tears about my recent bout of torture. I sit until I’m nearly falling out of the chair. I don’t leave the hospital. Due to my condition and John’s legal mouth I’m put in a room. I could’ve been in the hospice but like I tell them. “This is because I’m not leaving her, I’m not dying.”

I play my guitar to her sometimes. I haven’t played it for years. It’s and old acoustic but It works and I’m used to it.

***

Jenna-

Okay I never thought being dead would come with a soundtrack. I’d been in and out of awareness. I mean not even dreams. When I’m there, or awake I’m praying, and I’m confused. I mean shouldn’t I have like moved on by now?

Shouldn’t I be walking into the light or be burning in hell?

Where’s Jennifer Love Hewitt when you need her?

Oh all the things I never though I’d start hearing “Knocking on Heaven’s Door.” and not the Guns and roses version not Bob Dylan’s either. Death is weird.

Other times I see visions? Blurry windows of Images, lots and lots of images.

Me chopping all sorts of stuff with a chef’s knife?

Me covered in grainy grey muck?

Me dancing in my wedding dress?

Me getting hit by my airbag after hitting someone backing up?

Me older but not me Jaime, James all big and strapping and manly…was it all just a dream? Me, being Jenna?

I smell things too sometimes too, Taylor…I swear I smell him sometimes.

Old spice aftershave?

Perfume?

Cookies?

I guess the music is the weirdest thing though. I mean I was sure that angels didn’t sing of play classic rock or even Metallica…I swear I heard “Nothing else matters.” I heard all kinds of strange things too. Pumping sounds, gurgling, beeping sounds and I hear Taylor…I hear Taylor and an acoustic guitar! I’m alive!, I’m…I fight, I fight that darkness that seem like the higher I climb out of this black pit of wherever the heavier I get.

It nearly wins, It nearly wins a few times…I felt something there at the end of it…I felt something hit the darkness? I felt something push me, like giving me a boost up and out of there….

My eyes are crusty (Eeww) My mouth’s dry, and there’s something in my nose. It’s dark in here I see 11:43 on a clock and Tay’s playing the guitars barely strumming it but the tune is familiar.

He sings to me. “Lying beside you, here in the dark.”
“Feeling your heart beat with mine.”
“Softly you whisper, you’re so sincere.”
“How can our love be so blind?”
“We sailed on together.”
“We drifted apart.”
“And here you are by my side…”

I can’t help but the tears flow out of me and sting with the salt and stuff that’s there and I close my eyes letting them try to wash my eyes clean. I can’t help it and I am so not a singer but I sing back to him. My voice is weak but I try my best…
“So now I come to you with open arms.”
“Nothing to hide, believe what I say.”
“So here I am, with open arms.”
“I’m hoping you’ll see what you love means to me…

He turns and stares at me the sound of my voice, and drops the guitar with a noise.

“Jen…Jenna?”

He’s over me, leaning to stare at me I can smell him, I inhale deeply and smile a bit. And open my eyes. God…?, Thank you god if that was you then?, Thank you for this…I stare at him and he’s crying and smiling at me and crying again I think he’s in shock. But he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I drink in the sight of him right up until he kisses me. It’s like a flower getting sun after the winter. I hear and kind of see the door open and a nurse.

Tay turns to her so happy he’s nearly shining. “She’s awake, she just woke up.”

He turns back to kissing me as the nurse runs out.

I feel his hands touch my head and I feel the stubble…there. I must have reacted he breaks the kiss. “Sorry hon, they had to go in and had to shave it.”

“Mmmn, don’t care. Kiss me.”

He does.

Images

Chapter 10

Tay’s kissing me and I’m just loving it. The smell of him, his taste, that little tickle scratch of his beard as we kiss and he nuzzles me. If you’ve never nuzzled or just gently rubbed faces with your SO I highly recommend it. You mix that along with some slow sweet kisses and it’s simply amazing. Makes you feel all mushy in just the right ways.

Oh…oh…he’s kissing my eyelids. I love the tenderness of that. If you haven’t another must.

It’s just getting good when the nurses come in with a gentleman in a white lab coat who looks like he was rather rudely woken up. Nonetheless he gives me a nice friendly smile when he see’s me. “Good evening Ms. Powers, you look a lot more alert than this afternoon.”
“Uhm, thank you?”
“Mr. Winters if you could kindly step outside or take a seat we can take a look at Ms. Powers here.”
Taylor nods and picks up the guitar and sets it in the corner then takes the chair by my bed. I’m a little confused. I peek under my sheets to everyone’s amusement; yep It’s still there, only there’s a tube and stuff in there…lovely. The Doctor comes over with his bunch of toys and stuff on a rolling tray. “Then, now Ms. Powers if you’re ready we can get some of the immediate tests out of the way.”
“Okay…But I’m not Ms. Powers, my name’s…” Taylor puts his hand on my arm.
“Your Dad’s here, John.”
“John…John Powers?”
“How! Why!...”
The Doctor sighed. “Jenna, we need to get these tests out of the way to make sure you’re alright. You’ve been in a coma for eight days now. So I need to get an idea if things are wrong and I need you to be calm. I’ll let you no if you can get excitable when I’m done okay?”
“Uhm…Okay?” I’m agreeing because he interrupted my train of thought on my Dad being here and the transmission running my brain just slipped into neutral.

The Doc gave me a lot of very familiar tests to start off with. Well familiar for me back when I was James. There’s stuff they got to check out on you when you get hit really hard and it’s really old hat to me at this point. Reflexes, hand eye tests, visual acuity, flashcard memory check, concussion check or in my case a check on how my concussion is coming along. If you have ever plated football, or hockey or rugby then odds are you know the drill. He’s thrown in a few extras but it’s pretty much the same drill though. Then comes the lab tech with his vampire gear and takes about ten vials of blood from me.

I do notice how really uncomfortable this is making Taylor. I look over at him. He looks at me and then down at the ground. “Jenna…I’m sorry, it’s just…I was scared and freaked out at having to come here and go through all this kind of stuff all over again. I...I took it out on you.”
I reach over and take his hand and squeeze it. “It’s okay Tay, I get it. I think I kind of even got it then but I was just, I am just…I though that it was too good to be true. Me and you. I mean to me it’s just not the way my life’s ever went. To me it was one bad thing after another, one loss after another and that this was the other shoe dropping and you had come to your senses and figured you were done with me. I was more trouble to you than I was worth.”
He leans down and kisses me. “I never really thought that.”
“I know, I’m just saying I’ve been knocked around so much it wasn’t a great leap for me to freak out. I know I’m messed up, it’s why I’ve scheduled myself some therapy; I know I’ve got PTSD from being a kid and everything that’s happened.”
“I thought you weren’t that crazy if you knew you were crazy?”
“I’m really aware how messed up I am, remember how we met?”
“Yeah, and I should’ve known better.”
I kiss him back. “Yeah, well we both should have.”

The nurse comes back in and starts unhooking things especially the catheter and other things so I’m told just temporarily. It’s nice to be unplugged, I’m getting why Tay hates this. And lovely woman that she is she takes me very carefully to the bathroom so I can do my business and take a bath. They’re a little iffy about me standing to take a shower. I don’t care after a week of just sponge baths I feel gritty and kinda gross. If my hair wasn’t buzz cut length I’m sure my hair would be itching like crazy. I’m a mess, tons of bruised a regular smurfy tan. We’re careful of the bandages and dressing on my right shoulder. I’m a little too wonky from the drugs I’m on to be freaked about her knowing I’m a trans-girl. It’s really frigging awesome of her that she treats me not just like a human being but a girl just like her. I’m allowed into my own sleep ware just nothing tight and still no bra. She helps me back to my bed and hooks me back up to the monitors and stuff with clean sticky things.

I see Taylor talking to that guy. That coma dream version of me if James had grown up and become this big strapping guy in front of me. The only exception is the hair; I’m blonde like my mom…sorry my mother and he’s this really dark brunette with some grays in it. He’s actually quite handsome and very decently dressed. Dress pants in a nice charcoal gray, a suit jacket over a nice new white double cotton t-shirt and comfortable looking shoes.

His face breaks into this really freakily familiar and yet really warm smile. God he looks so much like I used to, or might have? I’m not sure what to say. I try and smile back. I can’t help but duck my head. Oh god it’s him, it’s really him, my birth father and I’m…I’m not his…He comes over and sits on the edge of my bed and smiles at me again…How can he?, I…I’m not his..
“Hello baby girl.”
Huh? Did he call me…? I look up at Taylor who smiles and nods to me. “Honey, this is your dad, John Powers. John it looks like you finally get to meet your daughter.”
He holds his arms out to me. “Hi Jenna.”
He knows, he knows and he called me by my name! My real name! He…he called me his baby girl…My eyes are flooding with tears, I feel…
“Daddy?”
“Yeah honey, it’s me…your dad…if you want me to be...tha”
I don’t let him finish the sentence before I throw myself into his arms and start bawling. I’m a complete mess and literally losing it as I’m sobbing and crying and laughing a little as he wraps his big strong arms around me to hold me, protect me…
“I love you Jenna.”
“Yyyulubbmey?”
“Yeah. I lub you.”
“But...but…but…”
Taylor throws in. “Yeah you got a nice butt.”
“Tay!!!” I squeak it out in ultra high girly range and go to atomic blush levels.
“Sorry Daddy…”
“Jenna honey, I know about you and Taylor, we’ve actually known each other for about a week.”
“A week?”
“Yeah, your surrogate sister Holly made the choice to call me when there was no other next of kin. She told me everything… (He hugs me tighter.) I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you honey.”
“Dad?”
“Yes Jenna?”
“You’re not disappointed in me?”
“Never baby girl…never ever.”
“But why? I mean I look at you and I see James…or who I might have been. Don’t you feel cheated? I took your son away from you.”
“Honey, I’d be lying if I didn’t feel cheated. (I tense up and tremble a bit, there’s tears too.) But it’s from what you...went through, from what Natalie did. I was taking my law degree at McGill University when we met you know and we hooked up really fast. She thought I came from money and where I was planning on being a lawyer, she had all these plans and ideas I think. When she found out I’m just a middle classed guy from Prince Edward Island she was determined for me to break from my past and my roots. She refused to ever go back home to see my parents ever after the first time. When I said I was going to work legal aid and maybe even work for a non-profit she dumped me right after you were born and accused me of cheating with a bunch of her girlfriends testifying against me and she even had all these bruises…I never touched her…it went before a French judge and he threw the book at me and she took you away from me…She made damned sure to get the judge to hit me with the maximum amount of alimony and child support while having a restraining order against me and my entire family. I feel cheated because we never had a chance together, I feel blessed actually honey from everything everyone’s told me to have such a beautiful and amazing daughter.”
“I…I...never knew that dad.”
“I know, some of it has recently come to light about the judge and everything.”
“Mom…Mother made you sound like a monster.”
“Hmnn, Natalie should try looking in the mirror.”
I look at him. He’s looking at me with love and pride and everything anyone…no everyone should get when they look into a parents eyes. Mother and my Step-dad had moments where things were actually really good but they never really looked at me the way that my dad’s is looking at me as he’s holding me right now.

I snuggle into his arms a bit and yawn. I never knew waking up from a coma was that exhausting. He goes to move and get me into bed properly. “Mmnn, no I just…I just want to enjoy this dad. I don’t want it to end yet. I might be just dreaming.” He kisses me on my forehead and says. “Anything honey, anything…”

I’m not sure how long I slept but my dad was still there and there was the immediate relief of not having dreamed the whole thing. Or still being in a dream. Not with him on one side of me and Tay on the other both in chairs and both of them are snoring. I still can’t wipe the happy smile off of my face.

Still getting up to pee woke them both up and rather sweetly but very embarrassingly they both offered to help me into the bathroom. I gingerly test my legs which hurt and are awfully bruised. I get Tay to help me because…well my dad is still my dad.

My dad, god I love saying that; my dad, Daddy, wow…I start to tear up in the bathroom just thinking about him, him being here. He must have really dropped everything to fly up here.

God I’m so pissed at Natalie…oh yeah, I just went there. She’s so lost her matriarchal privileges.

It’s morning now and dad gives me a kiss as I get back into bed. Wow I haven’t hurt like this since I was playing football. I could give you a play by play of the morning with the nurse coming in to check me over, do my vitals. The visit from the lab tech doing the morning blood drawing and I notice she does Taylor too. Three vials from me, nine from him. He looks white green from just that. He really hates this. I reach over and hold his hand as she takes her blood. I ask him about the diner to distract him. He looks relieved when she’s gone. Dad was on the phone talking to people and I think I hear him talking to Holly and then I hear him say…”That sounds good Mom, We’ll see you and Dad when you both get here.”

When they both get here?, Mom? Dad? I’ve got grand parents?! I do I’m pretty sure that slow head turning stare at him thing. “Mom?, Dad?…I’ve got real grandparents…” oh yeah my voice is doing that whiny cracky aching with emotion thing.
Dad looks at me. “Yes honey my parents are here too and they’ve been here waiting for you to wake up and come back to us.”
“They know?”
“Yeah they know and your grandparents are over the moon that you’re awake and get to meet you.”
“They are…and they know?”
“Jenna…you said that you seen James or what he’d look like in me right?”
I nod but this is one of those things I’m not sure I want to talk about or a place I want to go to. There’s this whole other shoe dropping feeling. He reaches into his back pocket and takes out his wallet and this kind of beat up string of pictures from one of those mall photo machines. He passed it to me. They’re old just by the feel of the photo-paper and Dad really looks like me in them a teenager in a muscle shirt and a backwards ball cap goofing with this very pretty girl…
“Holy crap…she…she looks like me…?”
My dad’s voice has some emotion in it and it’s quite thick with it and near tears. I even see him rub at his eyes a bit.
“That’s my baby sister, you Aunt Katie. It’s the last picture we have of her…I was eighteen and leaving for university that fall. Katie was sixteen and she was killed by a drunk driver that summer…Jenna you might not be Jaime or look like me… but I see my baby sister when I look at you honey…(He’s crying, I’m crying.)..It’s like there she is, still alive in how you look so much like her. It’s like you brought her back in a way and you never even knew about her…God baby girl if there was ever proof that this is right…”
He reaches out and strokes the picture.
I hug him filled with emotion too but there’s this whole seeing and feeling how sad and still how much it still hurts my dad to go back to this.
I want to make this better.
I want to make this hurt a little less for him.
“Daddy, tell me about her?”

My Aunt Katie, was a bit of a tomboy according to dad. Growing up in PEI he tells me about a girl who was good at school and took a lot of math and sciences because she wanted to become a marine biologist. The kind of girl who worked her butt off in things and how she mowed lawns and worked hard as any of the guys in the summer and did it in cut off jeans and a bikini top. She loved the water and the beach, she was a lifeguard once and was great at driving go carts and had a great pitching arm in baseball. Katie was the beautiful girls the guys wanted to have on their team because she could play and look hot and drink beer and just be one of the guys no matter how much a girl she was.
She used to help their dad on the boats when he went out fishing lobsters with the crew he was a part of. Dad couldn’t because the rotting fish grossed him out and he gets sea sick.

She saved three lives while she was alive. Once a drowning teen as a life guard, another time doing cpr to an old man who had a heart attack in a mall and saving a five year old girl from freezing to death and drowning when she fell through a pond in winter.

Aunt Katie he says had a habit of saving strays animals and played the electric guitar and sang. Dad says she was amazing, that she was kind and sweet and brave and it shone through her voice.

We talk for quite a bit with him very fondly talking about her in that distant trance yet kind of happy way. During it he’s smiling a little and Taylor got up and slipped in behind me and holds me as we listen. “Yeah Johnny you should hear Jenna sing, it’s amazing, like Alana Miles singing Sarah McLaughlin.” Tay brags a bit much. I lean back and kiss the point of his chin. “Don’t listen to him dad he’s biased.”
“No I’m not, you have an awesome voice.”
“No, I don’t your tumor’s pressing on your auditory nerves.”
“Hey!” He protests and starts to tickle me, I’m twitching and laughing even though I’m really, really sore ow fuck my arm.

We laugh for awhile and cuddle with me trying to relax enough to have the soreness fade a little but I can’t seem to get rid of the smile that’s in my face it keeps peeking out every few seconds.
“There she is…!”
I look up and see an older woman with deep grey hair but well styled just below her ears and with those tips that kind of curl away from her face and nice glasses and a stylish sweater with that kind of ballet leotard top shape and it even droops off her shoulder just right and a peasant skirt. She looks amazing and so well put together and carrying a basket of food with her that she passes to dad as she sits on my bed and hugs me, sweeping me up in these wings of peace and love. It’s pure grandmotherly love. It’s like being held by an angel. She looks at me as she pulls back smiling and plays with the fringes of my hair and I can see her seeing her daughter in me and it doesn’t feel like a feeling of her using me to fill some whole in her life but like there’s this acknowledgement like dad had said…this, me being me looking a lot like a blonde version of my Aunt Katie is almost like fate or a sign, proof that this is me. That I’ve always been Jenna…her grand daughter. I see in her eyes both love and unconditional acceptance. Yeah, more tears…I’m so emotional and feeling so me, so right I think I’m actually leaking estrogen at this point.

My grandfather is coming in and he’s not what I expected either, tall like dad but thinner from age and really tanned from a life of hard work but he’s bald, or balding but just shaves the rest and he’s got this Vandyke beard? Uhm…Like Jonathan Frakes? But it’s white and he’s wearing a baggy lycra t-shirt kind of like a cyclist might wear and jeans with an old battle dress jacket you know the bigger waist length army coat. He’s got two big trays of Tim Horton’s coffees. He smiles at me, he might have been a fisherman but he’s got this look like a lot of the old cowboy guys around here. I didn’t know or expect either of them to look so hip.

He passes the coffees to dad who having just took the basket from grandma so he has a rueful smile and shakes his head at the gesture. Grand-dad comes over and pulls me into a big hug too and grins at me afterwards and rubs the stubble of my shaved head like he was tousling my hair. “See, I came in here when we first got here and I knew she’d be okay. I told you all that she’d be all right.” He pulls me right in with a big smooth to my forehead. “Okay Johnny bring that rollin table thing over and lets eat.” Johnny, he calls dad Johnny, its stuff I never got to know…the idea of knowing more just stuff, stuff like this raises Goosebumps of excitement and delight from me. I kind of feel like a kid at Christmas.

That’s grandpa in a nutshell, no bullshit, no fuss, no muss very warm and straight forward. I really enjoy myself as we start having my first…Jenna‘s first family breakfast. Gramps (God it’s cool to be able to even think that.) is awesome and funny as he’s saying that it’s Tim’s or homemade coffee because he’d be dead before Starbucks yuppie coffee would pass his lips. There’s homemade bread rolls and real hand picked jam that grand-mum made from blueberries and another from these tiny wild strawberries. There’s these little omelets in tin tart shells with peppers and mushrooms and shallots? Red and yellow peppers and there’s black forest ham shave on it and melted goat cheese bits in it. Really…really...good, oh some have like capers and smoked salmon too. The company is awesome and we eat and talk and laugh. I feed Taylor and he feeds me and we talk about the stuff that happened with all of them while I was “napping” (Finger quotes.) and how they all met and have been there for each other. How Taylor has honored the appointment’s I had set up for him. He still quiets up over the subject a bit and I notice, It’s in the way I feel his body move, tense he’s not being shy, or quiet. He hates it. The others don’t notice and he hides it well but I know and catch his eyes. I squeeze his hand and fit my fingers in between his. I give him this smile that I try to make say to him. I love you, I love you so much and thank you for doing this. I get further blessed by my friends as Holly, Tim, the kids come in with Nin and Davey with flowers and with everyone in my room as packed in as we are it’s amazing; it’s like a holiday breakfast. Grand-dad even says he bribed the nurses off our backs with a couple of boxes of doughnuts. It’s chaotic and the warmest and happiest I’ve ever felt. Not romantic happy but family happy…I have family, real family who loves me. And you know what?

Sometimes…when it’s loving and supportive like it’s meant to be.

Family is everything.

It’s…This is a really powerful thing for me. I guess this, being accepted by my family and having found Taylor. The strong family resemblance between myself and my dad’s baby sister. It’s like I’m getting to claim a birthright..no that’s not right. I guess it’s like I’ve someway been given permission to claim my place in the world. I kinda feel better; I kinda of feel…

Okay I know I’ve been trying to explain being transgendered here in this telling it as it is at least from stuff I’ve read from my sisters online and from my own experiences. But this feeling is like…
I was here, Jenna this part of me I hid from the world was always in the shadow of James. Even when I was transitioning..(Well I’m still transitioning.) there’s this feeling of always being in this shadow, and who I was as a trans-girl or before that even. Just wasn’t able to be seen by myself or by anyone else.

Does that make any sense? Being the real identity the T-girl us; Lost at first in the darkness of our male selves, that facade and even in our present identities lost in the shadow-memory, the size of our old self still?

I feel that the facts now being out there and everything has happened plus being surrounded by friends and family, love… has kind of like this whole sun dial thing where everything that’s changed in my life was like the sun moving for me and I’m not in the shadow of my old self, my old life. I’m not lost in my darkness anymore. I really like this feeling, I like feeling there, here, real.
I’m happy enough and thankful enough there’s tears at the edges of my eyes and grand-mum reaches out to me smiling as she wipes away with her fingertips.

I’m sorry but as happy as I am and as I realize the stuff I’ve been talking about there’s a wish that comes to my heart even as I’m happy in my life right now.

I wish this love and completeness for my sisters out there. Those who are trapped in that limbo, that personal hell of just not being able to be themselves. Trapped like I was by the way the world saw me, sees us and keeps us from being our true selves. There’s so many different reasons for that hell we seem to go through, from not being blessed to pass, to family, to marriages to anything…and it feels like there’s this part of yourself. That woman in there, that girl in us that spark of us that…you know that side. It feels like part of us is being drowned, it’s like drowning but never being allowed to get a breath or real air and yet we’re still alive to suffer through it. God and so, so often, too often even it’s ourselves holding us down. I hope for everyone having to go through this…I hope you can find this place I‘m in now, this amazing place…can step out of that shadow or keep from drowning. I know how hard it is just to keep going when giving up could be so…easy. I want all of you to know happiness, family and love. I want you to know it like I am like the women we are…

I’m kind of like that for awhile. In that reflective mood. Wanting to share the good with everyone. I think the girls and Grand-mum get a bit of this? That they can read it on my face or in my heart. Holly and Njinda smile and nod a bit, like sisters would and I swear there’s a proud womanly smile on my grand-mums face. Happy, proud serene. I’m in awe of the vibe she gives off.

It gets to later in the day quite quickly and our conversations turn to the past and the present as we end up talking about the stuff I’ve sort of gone through with Natalie and Stephan. Both are in prison and both are trying to appeal the charges/verdicts and both of them are trying to throw each other under the bus. I see a side of my dad that’s still angry and very fierce and protective of me as well as being vengeful. I mean it’s a little strange really seeing him like that. When I found him he was/is listed as an artist being both a painter and a pottery sculptor. He kind of looked like a hippy on his shops website, to see him doing and talking about all the legal stuff isn’t fitting the picture I’d built of him.

I’m getting reimbursement cheques for some of the monies that he’d paid out in child support over the years plus pain and suffering from Natalie’s finances and the Quebec family court system.
“My accountants said you should be clearing around $122,000.00 baby girl, what’ve you got planned for that?”
“I’m not sure, it depends on what my therapists and doctors say and how much my SRS is going to cost because it’s Alberta and…”
“It’s not going to cost you anything Jenna?”
“Huh? Why?”
“If you get it done in Quebec they’ll pay for it through the provincial Medicare system.”
“But I don’t live in Quebec.”
“No but they’d rather pay for that than pay out what they might have if I went ahead with the lawsuit I was threatening them with over that dirty judge.”
“Really?...but Dad…I know that they messed up my life and us being together but what about you? You could’ve gotten a really big settlement out of it.”
“I know especially when I wasn’t the only person or family messed up from the guy but they were more than willing to deal after I brought up what they did to you and put you through and how bad that would look for the Quebec provincial government if it got out to the press that that judge allowed to happen and I mean just imagine if some reporters got the ideas to start looking for abuse and problems with all those other cases? They took the deal and kissed my ass and said merci pour la pleasure.”
“But what about those other kids and families dad?”
“There’s people already looking into it baby girl and building their own cases. It’s actually where I got my information on all of the stuff that happened. A friend of mine is going to use this settlement as a president case.”
“Huh?”
“Well if you take the money and add up the money for your medical expenses and for your recovery time they’ll have a figure that the Quebec government has already agreed on to provide for the pain and suffering of just one person who got hurt by this.”
“So that means?”
“If they paid that much on you because of what happened then they have a real strong case to get at least that much for the others.”
“Oh…” I think I get it. It’s a whole world I’m not used to for sure.
“So?”
“Uhm, sorry what dad?”
“So what are you going to spend or do with the actual tangible cash?”
“I think most will probably go into my savings account once I get one and the rest maybe for school it depends.”
“It depends on?”
I look at Taylor who’s actually asleep; he looks a bit wrung out. He drifted off while all of us were talking. I just stare at him for a few seconds my feelings and my fears for what’s ahead of us and how soon it might end…he could’ve gone while I was in my coma…gooseflesh and a shiver runs through me just at the thought. My voice is a little hoarse from the emotions. “It depends dad because right now I’ve got other priorities.”

My grand-mum hugs me and so does Holly and Nin. Grand-dad says. “Hey people, lets give them their privacy and we can go and do some of the stuff that needs doing.” He kisses my cheek and rubs my fuzzy head again. Later punkin.” He leaves with the rest and me getting hugs an quiet kisses so no one wakes Tay up.

I watch Taylor sleep. Normally right now I’d be cuddled into him but right now I’m still just got the shivers thinking just how close I was to losing him. He’s in my bed and the back is propped up and he’s sleeping; his hair’s a little mussed up and in his face and he needs to shave a little. I move care fully and lay on my left side beside him and watch him sleeping. Tay’s really beautiful too, I mean some people can’t see a man like that without going all TG or stuff but this is…

Taylor is six foot two inches tall and a muscular but lean one hundred and ninety or so pounds, he’s very nicely muscled without being too overdone. There’s scars and tattoos there from his past but are just the perfect imperfections about him. Nicely tanned, decent cheekbones, strong chin and jaw but he’s not…kind of think of a guy who kind of looks like Paul Walker but with straighter and longer sandy blonde hair and looks a little rougher. The windows are off to the other side of him so from where I’m laying I can see the light on flesh effect kind of diffusing through his hair and the fine blonde stubble he has right now. With the way that looks, and the way he’s sleeping so peacefully. He’s angelic, breathtaking, beautiful…

I really easily and gently move enough to lay my head on his chest and listen to him breathe, my fingers just touch just barely over his tee-shirt and his heart and I just kind of whisper sing to him like a lullaby.

“Watching every motion in my foolish lover’s game.”
“On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame.”
“Turning and returning to some secret place inside.”
“I’m watching in slow motion as you turn around and say.”

“Take my breath away.”
“Take my breath away”

“Watching I keep waiting still anticipating love.”
“Never hesitating to become the fated ones.”
“Turning and returning to some secret place inside.”
“I’m watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say…”

Taylor’s face turns as I’m looking at him and those sleepy kitten oh so blue-gray eyes open and he looks at me, then sings. “You take my breath away.”
And then…”Through the hourglass I saw you, in time you slipped away.”
“When that mirror crashed and I called you, and turned to hear you say.”
“If only for today…I an unafraid…”

I lean in and kiss him gently and pull less than an inch away, then sing.
“You take my breath away….”
He kisses me then breaks it too but stares into me and sings just inches away.
“You take my breath away…”

I bite my lower lip and look down at where my fingers are still massaging over his heart. I’m caught in the song, I’m caught up with us and how much I love him, I really, love him and that as OTT this seems the song really fits us and what we feel, so…Yeah I keep singing…”Watching every motion in this foolish lovers game.”
“Haunted by the notion somewhere there’s a love in flames.”
“Turning and returning to that secret place inside.”
“Watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say…”
I pause looking at him now and he moves a little shifting in the bed and takes my hand off his chest and holds it. Tay gets right up even closer, his nose just past mine and his lips so close that as he whispers sings to me they’re brushing mine in a caress softer than and velvet… “And every day I’ll look at you and say…You take my breath away…”

There’s tears of love running from my eyes as he gently, very gently kisses me and stares at my eyes pouring his love right into my soul. His hands on mine yet busy and fondling mine. It doesn’t hit me or compute in me past those kisses and that look that I feel the cool sensation of metal slide onto my ring finger…I look down and there’s a well worn little hinged box covered in deep navy blue velvet in one of his hands open and empty and on my hand, on my ring finger there’s this yellow gold ring set with this small but really perfect diamond…I look up at him and he takes both of my hands really gently, timid even and kisses them and asks…oh heaven, there’s tears in his eyes and the need, the aching look there mixed with all that love… “Jenna Powers…will you marry me?”

Images

Chapter 11

I stared at Taylor.

Did he just ask me what I though he just asked me?

God that look on his face.

He did.

He asked him to marry me…oops…

He asked me to marry him.

He asked me to marry him!

Then the though of who, what I am, what he is and all my issues of self bubble up.

“Uhm..Taylor…, I’m, I’m you know…”

“You’re the woman I love.”

“Yeah, but I’m not…”

“You are, and we can.”

“We can?”

“Yes, it’s been legal since 2005.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it oh?”

“I’m sorry it’s just so unexpected Tay.”

“Jenna…please, I love you…and…and…I need this, we..need this.”

I look at him and he’s looking hurt right now, I think he gets why I just didn’t girl out but he…I finally clue in. Taylor doesn’t have anybody. And the way things could go medically there’s nobody to be there to speak for him. If anything happened I wouldn’t have any rights. I wouldn’t even be family they’d put me out or at best I’d be labeled as a visitor. I lean over a little and kiss him long and slow. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, Taylor Winters I’ll marry you.”

“Yes, you’re saying yes?”

I roll my eyes at him. “Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes, all over again in another life yes!”

He rolls over on top of me and starts to kiss me. We really start getting into it and get a bit carried away before the pain in my arm slows me down. I’ve got a few tears of pain in my eyes as we nuzzle each other and he’s giving me quiet sorry’s between his kisses.

I lean against his as we cuddle and I drift off in his arms a bit before lunchtime comes around. I’m still tiring out easily and weak plus like I’ve said sporting a smurfy tan. But being sore all over my body and a messed up arm just doesn’t hurt as bad right now. I’m sleepily staring at the ring on my finger. I’m engaged…I love him, I love him so much but I’m engaged…wow.

Taylor nuzzles and slowly kisses the back of my neck., smells my skin. I love that…there’s a deep thing that is part of intimacy that you like/love your partners scent or smell. It’s why it’s so hard when you lose a SO or wife, husband and you get to that point where their scent starts to fade. Scent is intimate and when it fades it’s like losing a part of them again. It makes me think about other things that we’re going to need to deal with. I play with the ring and his hands and fingers. I’m going to by one of those vacuum sealing bag kits and seal some stuff up…I know it’s crazy, it sounds crazy and I should be bouncy happy over the moon but I can’t, I just …I’m in love with him so much but I’m worried.

I’m playing with the ring and he whispers in my ears.

“It was my mom’s ring, her mum’s before that too.”

“Tay…oh my god Tay…”

I’m getting choked up thinking of just how much this means, just how really personal this is. I’m wearing his mother’s engagement ring. It’s got to be one of the few things, few treasures of his life before they died.

“Taylor this is, this is so…are you sure you want me to have this? This is your mom’s.”

He smiles and turns my face up to his. “Jenna, I might not know much, or had my family that long but I know my mom, she’d have loved you. She’d have wanted you to have it.”

Then he kisses me.

I really love stuff like this, moments like this. There’s something really so amazing about it. I never had these when James was with anyone because James couldn’t feel things like this. I feel plugged into the universe. I feel loved and cherished and I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world. We do this, kissing, holding, necking with each other until with a small knock on my door and dad and my grandparents are there again with another basket.

“Hey guys…Uhm we need to tell you guys something.”

They sort of smile as they come in and Grandma puts the basket of stuff on the sliding table. “Oh, really honey, what’s that?” my dad raises an eyebrow in question but just sips at his coffee, grand dad just looks interested.

I hold out the hand with the ring on it, I can’t help it but I do it just like any other stereotyped girl even shaking it a little. “I’m engaged!” The whole thing comes out a little squealy. Grandma hugs me and so does dad and gramps. “Congratulations sweetie.” she beams and dad grins “Good for you baby girl.” Gramps frowns a bit. “You to are gonna have to get a city hall wedding with the stuff going on with Taylor and all.” Both Tay and I are nodding.

“We know, but it’s okay I mean it’ll give us rights and options that we won’t have otherwise.”

“That’s a good idea you guys, it’s good to be ready for things.”

“You guys don’t seem too shocked or uhm surprised.”

Gramps smiles at me and he’s looking at Taylor.

“Well punkin, this young man of yours has got himself a fine set of manners and such on him and he felt it was only proper that he ask your dad for your hand in marriage before he popped the question to you. It was a nice thing to see If you ask me, Me and your gran was right there when he did.”

“He did that..?”

“You asked my dad if you could marry me?” I turn around to look at him.

“Uhm, yeah…I just wanted to do this right. I didn’t want to…” I kiss him sweetly.

“God…Taylor Winter’s I swear you are the most romantic, amazing guy in the world.”

He nuzzles me. “You make it really easy honey.”

Dinner’s good with homemade fried chicken that grand-ma made. I’m really getting into the idea of good food. There’s the fact I’ve never really had “Good” food at home but going without once I’ve been out on my own. If we can get passed the things we need to, if we can do that then maybe I might get my GED and then try to go to a culinary school or something. The fact that I’ve got my 10th grade in school and everyone I knew is graduating next year…it bothers me.

I really like the chicken, and there’s mashed potatoes in these baked potato skins and green beans cut into ribbons and cooked with somekind of greens or couple of different kinds of green and cornbread or corncake for desert. Okay I really like that…sliced in half with some real butter on it and a drizzle of honey…dad and Taylor put a bit of molasses on theirs. I love the fact they share that. I love the fact that My dad and gramps are being there for Taylor too. He hasn’t had anyone for so long.

My afternoon becomes busy with me going for a scan to check my lungs and eight days in a coma let’s some stuff heal up pretty good. I’m lightly tested on the treadmill because of my injuries so it’s more of a walking test about my lung function. Then they check my shoulder and sutures before clearing me to leave after an hour of grueling physio-therapy.

I’m sent to my endocrinologist and my doctor in charge of my transitioning. I like them both and they’ve both been in to see me while I was out of it and had talked over my case with my dad who was in charge of my medical decisions. It’s mostly a check up and to see where my head is at and where my body is at and to set up an appointment schedule. I get more blood taken and then a series of shots and a new prescription for better meds and vitamins and a few dietary supplements she wants me to try. We’re both tired but then it’s off to an appointment with Taylor’s team of doctors and they take more blood from him, they run him through another CAT and something called a PET scan. They put him through something on the computer that he’s got to listen to and point and click at sometimes.

He really can’t stand this. The lab work was making him shiver with each poke of the needle. It’s hard to watch like watching an animal dealing with someone it knows is going to beat it. The scanners were like hell for him. I try to help him by holding his hand but I’m not allowed. At best they let me in the room with him and I can talk him through it. Taylor’s got tears in his eyes leaking out when they pulled him out of the scanner.

It’s late after we’re done and we leave the hospital and drive home stopping at a place that Taylor likes and pick up a bunch of pizza’s for everyone. I’m a big fan of pizza, I like all kinds too as long as it’s not crappy quality. I’ve had deep dish that I like and thin crust that I like. I’m not a snob when it comes to that. I know it’s bread and grease and bad for me but I don’t care. I order my favorite combination a pizza with extra sauce (That’s important to have it cold.) spicy Italian sausage and double pepperoni onions if their really thin sliced.(I ask to see them first.) and extra cheese. Taylor’s feeling better grinning a bit at me as I order and me sipping a strawberry flavored milk. He orders three with everything, a veggie supreme, a cheese pizza and garlic fingers. He orders the slaughterhouse which is a meat lovers pizza that has hamburger, actually he gets extra hamburger and bacon and ham…(Not Canadian bacon, there isn’t Canadian bacon really, we eat bacon like they do in the states in long slices. I’ve got no idea why they came up with that but it’s a peeve of mine.)…sorry. Yeah all that plus pepperoni, salami and sausage plus onions, peppers and mushrooms and extra cheese. It’s huge, I swear it’s a serious solid inch thick.

Ooooh they do a neat trick. They cookie sheet the meats to brown them and throw the pizza skin on the flat-top to get it extra crispy before slapping it together then tossing it into the oven. I’m stealing that trick for the diner.

It is so good to be home. It’s that good to be home I’m crying and hugging Tay around the waist. We’re surprised when Holly and Nin and Billy, Davey, Tim and the kids and a few of the other friends of Taylor’s I haven’t met yet plus Angie who is this kick ass nurse who dealt with this real asshole of a cop during the whole ER situation and her daughter Hunter who’s just like me…Hunter more than passes, I couldn’t ever tell she’s not a tween girl. We have a really great little party with dad and my grand-parents there and we have the whole engagement announcement all over again and it’s a lot of fun for me as I get swept up into the moment and the whole excitement of it and we did the girls tour of the upstairs because Taylor and Tim and Davey plus dad and Billy had done wonders with the place while I was out of it. I’m as blown away as the girls are as we talk and laugh and giggle and just have fun.

The bathroom is finished or refinished with a separate shower stall and a nice big claw footed tub and a large long counter with enough room for both our stuff. Our bed room hasn’t changed but we’ve got a nice kitchenette acrossed the hall and it’s got an archway joining it to a living room with the TV and stuff are at. The hall is set up like another sort of living room with a bunch of shelves and loveseats and a long Turkish styled carpet that goes with the dark wood click flooring, lovely molding and the place just looks amazing. We’re really enjoying ourselves and Angie is great and funny and tough and the fact she’s so supportive to her daughter Hunter is really cool.

And Hunter I loved having her here. There was this expression going on her face during the night like she was just blown away. That she was seeing a girl just like her actually doing it. Having the dream I guess. I see her looking at my place and the ring and my friends and family and I see her watching me and Taylor…a lot. I can see her thinking, I know she’s already had it hard, there’s no mention of her dad as we all got to know each other. I can see her thinking that maybe, just maybe it’s possible. That she can have what I’ve got. I know I’m lucky, I know there’s a lot of hell that I’ve gone through and still might go through but you know what? If Hunter gets even a glimmer of hope out of it then I’m not going to tell her any different.

If she can see me and get some hope out of it even though I’m just as lost as anyone else can be about myself and my life. Then good, she’s a good, no great kid.

Kid…Huh?

Since when did I get to be or feel so old? I’m sure my poor battered and bruised body might be helping me with that. It could be the fact that I’m seventeen, a high-school drop up a pre-op transexual who’s engaged to be married to a twenty year old guy that might not wake up tomorrow because he’s got a brain tumor.

Nope, no reason for me to feel like I’m about a hundred.

I’m kind of introspective still about it when we see everyone out and lock up then retire for the night. Taylor asks me what’s wrong and I lean against him and kiss him in little kisses as we head upstairs. “No nothing hon, just thinking about everything I guess.”

“Any regrets?, second thoughts?”

“No, It really seems like a lot of stuff’s happened in a short time. I’m just processing it all.”

“I get that babe. It is all happening fast, but time’s not really on our side is it?”

“Tay, they said the tests aren’t really definitive yet.”

“Yeah I know.”

“That’s a huge difference than the last prognosis you were given.”

“They also told us Jen to not get our hopes up.”

“I’m not going to give up on you Taylor.”

“Thank you…Jenna…god thank you.”

We take a bath together with candles and our romantic stuff we’ve got downloaded on the stereo. I lean into him and enjoy the soak with him, there’s bath salts in the water that do wonders for my bruises and we wash each other really gently with so much care and love and the candlelight we end up making love again.

Me on top straddling him, really taking our time. I mean really, just really into the whole thing. Slow great sex that does the trick for me twice and him too. Yes the sex is great but it’s making love in the bath and washing each others hair while we are at it and kissing and looking deeply into each others eyes until we get to that place were there’s a body but isn’t a body but just really the soul there…not two bodies doing carnal things but two souls touching, sparking together.

We get out get uhm settled and we are really all pruned from the way too long bath and yet just right for what it was and that’s making love in the tub until the water got cold. I rub some rose oil into my skin and his to sooth our skin and dab on a bit of powder before slipping into this big comfy flannel guy’s nightshirt with Woodstock from peanuts all over it and simple cotton panties. It’s really nice sliding into the bed, our bed with a sigh, It feels like home to me. I love the feel of it, the feel of him and shimmy around to get comfy before spooning with him.

I’m nearly asleep when he kisses the back of my neck. “Jenna?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“Back at the hospital, when I was freaking out in the machines…”

“Uh huh, It’s okay Tay. I get it.”

“N..no..It’s…(He takes a deep shaky breath.) It’s after the car wreck…I…I remember the glass exploding into the car…the blood, then smoke, there was so much smoke and metal all around me and things hurt…Then I woke up again in the machine, I’m in the machine and I’m all alone strapped to the board thing not able to move and all I can hear is the banging of the thing and the people in that room talking…saying that my mom and dad were dead…”

God he was just a kid…I roll over despite him holding me and look at him. Taylor’s eyes are reddened and full of tears. His face is just missing that tough I can handle it expression that’s almost a part of who he usually is. He’s hurting, and he’s scared and every time he’s in there he’s being taken right back to that night of the car crash and his parents getting killed. He went through how much of this when he fought the cancer the first time? He’s been told he’s a dead man and thought he had made his peace with it…And he’s doing it again for me.

I’m humbled by his love for me right now.

I’m humbled to tears.

I put my head against his looking him in the eyes. “I promised baby, I promised I wouldn’t leave you. You’re never going to be alone going through this Tay, never again. I love you too much for that.”

“Oh god Jenna! I thought I lost you! I was so scared I lost you forever…I was so scared…you’d die like everyone else did…”

He closes his eyes and he starts to cry really hard, all the stress finally finding an outlet and he keeps crying until his grip tightens nearly painfully on me and he starts curling up as another attack hits him and he curls into the fetal position crying in pain and release.

I pull Tay to me and hold him curling myself around him like I’m trying to shield him from the world. If I had wings they’d be curled around both of us…

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Chapter 12

It’s a long night. Taylor’s attack went on and lasted most of the night. He either passed out from the pain of it all or it finally let him go. He slowly began to untense and unwind about 3:40 AM, we’d gone to bed about 10 so that was almost six hours of holding him and being only able to offer him my small comforts as I held him and watched as he went through hell.

I learned a hard lesson tonight. I learned what it’s like to watch somebody you love more than breathing go through something like this and not being able to do anything about it.

Lord forgive me when he untensed and went limp I checked his breathing, I checked his pulse. He was asleep, finally asleep. I tried to get some sleep too but with the feelings swirling around inside me it was a definite no go. I kiss him and tuck him in with my pillow more and slip off to the kitchenette and make myself a pot of tea tossing in with the chamomile a bit of rosemary, I heard it’s supposed to be soothing. It doesn’t taste too bad so I take my meds and get my tea and slip back into out bedroom and into bed setting the teapot and cup on the nightstand and read from my beat up old bible sipping my tea, and going between watching Tay sleep and talking to my God. I thank him for blessing me, I thank him for our love and I ask him to help me, I ask him to lead me to the strength to be there for Taylor. I read for a few hours before I feel better, balanced I guess.

I put my bible into my nightstand, pick up my cell phone and send out a text to everyone that Tay had a real hard night and we’re going to try to recover for awhile. We should be up by at least two in the afternoon. I set my alarm on the phone to play “Kiss from a Rose.” to wake us for about one in the afternoon. That done I get into bed properly and move and slide into the sheets and shimmy over until I’m spooning with him. I reach over and lift up his arm and settle in so it’s wrapped around me. My fingers laced in his and feeling him breathing against me I’m lulled into sleep.

It’s true you can fall in love with someone more and more every second of every day. You can fall deeper in love with them because of the fights and misunderstandings and even being sick, and even being helpless as you watch them suffering. Taylor walks through his own personal hell because he loves me. I love him even as it tears at me because helping him, saving him is out of my hands. And I love him more, because it’s so hard. I know that some people say love should be easy.

Love is easy, it’s keeping that love despite life is what’s hard. It’s why to me there’s so much divorce and stuff nowadays, life gets hard and they get mad, sad, hurt, frustrated and take things out on each other. If you love them they’re what you reach out for, they are the person you just be vulnerable enough to say… Help me, I need you.

As I hear that opening music it’s cleat to me as anything. This is real, Taylor and I are real, our love is real because last night, hell the last two weeks plus has been hard but…as hard as last night was. I wake to the music and feel his arms tighten around me and he’s shaky, I can feel the tremor in his body but I know he loves me and I know I love him more than I did when I had closed my eyes.
“I love you Taylor.” I whisper to him before turning around. He buries his face into the side of my neck. Kissing me there, nuzzling me and he rubs his face against the stubbly hair on my head, breaking that up with random kisses on my head, and neck, shoulder and ear. He whispers. “Thank you.”
I roll over turning around to face him.

I feel my heart catching in my throat. He’s beautiful, I know I’ve said it before but it’s true. Especially this morning. He’s got that sleepy kitten thing he has first thing in the mornings mixed with the messy hair, the need to shave and the hints in his face and eyes of how hard he had been crying last night. He leans in and kisses me. I kiss him back and we spend at least five minutes just kissing each other.

He’s shaky as he’s touching me, that frayed shake of his nerves not quite acting right. It’s upsetting to him. “Tay, Tay baby it’s alright. It’s just a bit of the shakes.” I take his hands and put them on my breasts. “See honey, you’re my boob vibrator.” I try to say in my best attempt at wide eyed innocence. It doesn’t work but It get’s him laughing. I roll over on top of his and kiss him and let him fondle me to his hearts content, well mine too but after a maddening our of attention his touch becomes smooth and my panties are…an hour of tender attention to my breasts, they’re actually aching and sore now from the stimulation and swelling from the blood flow. He made me uhm…yeah…twice from all that foreplay.

Is it foreplay when it’s that gentle, dedicated, beautiful? Just his hands and his lips touching me in hundreds of different ways and textures and speeds. I loved it, it was so good for me on my end but it did do what I really wanted it to do and he stopped shaking as he touched me. The look on his face when he noticed that was what took me over the edge the second time as little tears had gathered in his eyes and he reached up and stroked my breast just ever so with the back of his hand as he touched my face and smiled…”Thank you, ….God, Jen thank you.”

So was that making love too?
Love heals right?
I believe it does.

It took only seconds after that and Tay rolls us over and makes love to me. It’s been awhile since we made love like this. Oh, I hadn’t enjoyed this nowhere near as much before but we know more now. I love wrapping my legs around him, it feels right. I want to have this be really right between us in the baddest way. I get into it though, It’s way more for him than for me but he’s feeling so much better right now and so confident and feeling strong. The fact he’s this burning hot and feeling so passionate for me, I’m into it. Really into the way he wants me.

I’m so sore as I take a bath and get cleaned up. Taylor shower and kissed me and rumbled downstairs like a herd of animals. I hear my family after a bit and I’m still soaking and soothing when I hear Holly knock and Nin.
“Yo, you here Jenna?”
“I’m in the tub!”
“Can we come in?”
“If you want.”
They both traipse in well Holly does, Njinda or Nin wouldn’t ever be that brazen even if she was by herself. Holly passes me a strawberry milkshake in two of our take out cups. I take it and bliss out for a minute. I love strawberries as much as I love chocolate. Oddly I’m not a fan of the two mixed together, especially with flavors. If I’m having chocolate and strawberries I want both to be real. I don’t like chocolate with orange either.
“So I heard it was a hard night last night?” Holly asks me.
“Yeah, Tay opened up to me about the accident and his folks and the way he hates the hospital so much.”
“That’s good Jen he needs to let some things go.”
“Yeah, we both do but after that he broke down and as he did he got hit with another attack.”
Both the girls wince and look concerned. I get out of the tub and we talk as I’m getting dressed and lotioning up myself and uhm parts and my girls and get dressed. Just Haines for girls in rose trimmed grey and a comfy pair of my old jeans faded and a heavy sleeveless gym tank. I wear my sneakers and just ankle socks. Y’know it took me forever to get used to those? Too many years as a jock-boy and wearing sports socks. I still like them but I really love just wool socks in the winter especially around the house.

As I’m getting dressed we talk. Holly wants details about the uhm fun this afternoon I had with Taylor. I’m a little hesitant at first and the more we talk the more that I let loose and get into talking about the sex. I mean we made passionate love and then we had hard sweaty dirty sex. It gets a bit raunchy as we talk and Holly is far worse than I am by like five hundred percent. Poor Njinda is quiet, she’s not used to this stuff even being a topic of conversation. She’s somalian and women have certain roles in her old country especially if you live in the Muslim dominated extremist regions. She’s scared of the topic at first actually until we get her to open up as she does we go downstairs and I get to hear of the most horrible fucking thing I’ve ever heard of…Female circumcision. There’s tears in her eyes as we sit beside her and she tells us.

“Back in my village in Somalia we had lived good. My father was a proud man with good livestock and daughters. The village headman wanted young girls for himself and he say he was told that his could get himself rid of the Aids by giving it to young virgin girls. He had come to my father and demanded us. They argued and fought and my father killed him. The militia led by the Imam had come and they shoot my father.

It was the next month and we had lost everything as our uncles took what was fathers and left us with nothing because they were petty and jealous men. My mother cursed them and soon came the Imam with his men. He say we were prideful, that we needed to be purified. His men and others his followers took us and they began to rip off our clothes and my mother she fought. They beat her with the rifles which is why she is hurt to be crippled today. They started to cut us, they cut it out of my sista who was older than me. They would have raped us for certain if they were not with the Imam. They started on me but this was when the peacekeepers came, Canadian and American soldiers come and stopped them. The Imam went mad and cursed at them and pulled a dagger and stabbed the medical person deep in the arm and the American soldier girl she shoot him in the head.

We got to fly to base in helicopter the taken to a refugee camp. They did all they could to fix my sista but the damage was too deep to the nerves. She got a pistol and shot herself a month later.

I am trying to become more North American, I am sorry that I do not talk as much of these things as you can. Home it’s is forbidden to act so. I am still trying very hard to adjust here.”

We’re all crying at this point and take turns hugging her and telling her it’s alright and that it’s safer here. It took awhile before the three of us are calmed down and my Grams came into the laundry room to check on us. “Is everything okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, now it is I guess. We were just kind of dishing about earlier today with Tay and me and we ended up with Njinda telling us about some of the terrible stuff that went on over there.”
“Like what?” she went over and wrapped Nin up in a big hug, while pulling a tissue out and wiping Nin’s eyes.
“How her family was attacked and how they tried to castrate the girls over there for defending themselves and not buckling over because some so called headman and Imam told them to do something.”
“Somalia right?”
“Yeah…I’ve never heard of something that bad, not first hand.”
“Your father did.”
“Really? How?”
“Johnny did a stint out of university in the armed forces and he was over there and he was in Golan Heights too as a UN peacekeeper. After that he went and worked for a few years in Amnesty International.”
“Uhm, wow.”
Holly nods. “Johnny is a really good guy.”
Njinda nods enough her braids get a shake from it. “He is a very good man, he went to fight and save people like me and my family from monsters, real monsters…”
We all hug her again.
Yeah we all cry some more too, even Grams. I look at her and she looks at me and there’s this shared bit of pride in her son/my father.

There’s part of me kind of ashamed at what I was going to try to do. I was having what I thought was a really hard life. I thought I was tortured. I’ll admit that Stephen and Natalie are sick, twisted and possibly evil people but I never even remotely lived through what Njinda had. I know that there’s a lot more to her past she went through. I know that there is shit that evil happening to people right now. I know I’m really, really lucky. Somewhere else, if I had grown up somewhere else and people found out about me I’d be killed or worse. I close my eyes for a minute and that God for everything I have, for being safe. For being loved. This really powerful though comes to me then and I can’t help but smile as I think it.

My daddy fought monsters…real ones.

It takes a bit before we get calmed down enough to get back to doing the laundry. There’s a lot of it, yeah, Taylor had stopped doing laundry days ago. The girls have theirs and Grams comes back in after slipping out to help and after the whole emotional bonding thing she came with chocolate cake and coffee because. “Here girls, if this isn’t a case for the healing powers of chocolate the I don’t know what is.”

It’s a thing I’m always going to treasure, it’s a thing that we can really bond over. The banter, hearing a hard, hard story like that and nurturing each other as we do our wash together. The three of us radically different from each other but here and as friends, sisters even and with Grams there as the older and wiser matron in our little circle of women. I feel real, and it’s more than that. It’s like getting a birthright. It’s being a part of something that’s so indelibly female. Stuff like this makes us women. Living, sharing, laughing, crying and healing ourselves and one and other.

It’s not all the EMO serious stuff either.

Apparently my gramps did their laundry and they take turns. I get introduced by these really entertaining monologues from both Holly and Grams about men and women and the lot in life of the modern woman. Grams taught high-school math and English so she is really smart, well read and has a whole life of funny stories.

We end up going to join the fellas down stairs as things are going in the laundry. They’re talking about real estate and are looking at places here of nearby for Gram and Gramps. Tay’s cooking and him and Tim and Davey are chiming in about the places and Davey has his laptop out and looking up some of the places and addresses on Google earth or maps or whatever. The kids are being taught crib or cribbage by gramps at the same time.

Tay makes spaghetti. Lots and lots of it with this really good sauce that is really not what I expected. Mine I grew up with was kinda like chili without the chili powder or the beans, Natalie was told by Stephan to put all sorts of stuff in it. Taylor’s is good, really good with San Morit…something canned tomatoes buzzed up in the blender, finely diced garlic and onions and a couple of bay leaves and chopped fresh basil and thyme and a little red wine and allowed to cook down. He says there’s a secret ingredient in it too. I don’t care but it’s good. He serves it with a bowl of grilled up chunks of Italian sausages and there’s bowls set out with stuff to put on it like cheese mostly for the kids and shaved off things of real parmesan reggi…something, a mixture of chopped up black olives and sun-dried tomatoes and a bowl of some kind of crispy Italian bacon called pancetta?

I get to have something called Polenta too which is made from corn meal but isn’t grits…it’s savory and amazing because it’s like corn cake but if it was grilled and all buttery and cheesy all the way through.

I eat way too much, I get the feeling Tay’s trying to get me to put on some weight. Dad has brought dessert. Gelato…Chocolate gelato might very well be silky smooth chocolate ice cream sex.

Taylor made hazelnut liqueur flavored whipped cream to go on top of it….

We ate then talked and even looked at some more of the houses out here for my grandparents. I’m out here, dad’s in northern California not al that far away so all the family they have left is out here. They want to be close to both of us. Grams wants us to be close enough that we can have Thanksgiving together this year. Christmas too.

I got all happy teary emotional just at the thought of having these holidays…Last year It was so lonely…I had nothing but…If it wasn’t for Nona bringing me a few Christmas cookies and hot chocolate I’d probably have killed myself. I cry a bit more sad by what I’m thinking and yet really happy I didn’t, God what I would have missed.

I’m crying more I’ve noticed and feeling more sexual too. I think the new prescriptions and the shots are starting to kick in. Yay! And yet I’m dreading the side effects I’m going to go through until my system levels off.

Ughh…it seems that doing laundry is a lot harder with a tummy stuffed full of pasta and gelato. I haul some stuff up to my clotheslines. Yep James is gone, I’d be beat up and battered and still would have been running the stairs up in the stands. I’m wiped just getting my basket of laundry to the roof. My shoulder is killing me and I still kind of like this feeling. Even this, more affirmation of non-guyishness.

Three hours later and everyone’s heading home, there’s laundry up on the roof that can dry there all night as far as I’m concerned. I’m folding towels and putting things away While Taylor bakes off a batch of bread for tomorrow. We’re having a family Sunday dinner or supper as the case may be. It’s something that Grams used to do back home and it’ll be my first one…ever. It was something we didn’t do in our house. I want to get some board games here too and a few odds and ends we didn’t realize we’re going to need. Taylor gave Grams a key to the diner so she can come and go as she pleases. She wants to do most of the cooking. She invited all of us girls to come and help. I’m kind of thrilled by it. It’s another milestone for me.

Taylor and I settle in for the night and just curl up together spooning all over again quite early too. He cuddles but I’m just still too sore from earlier. I love the fact that he wants me. I love the fact he’d never push me or pressure me. I fall asleep with one of his hands cupping one of my breasts.

Okay, I can live with that.

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Chapter 13

It felt so good to sleep in. I know we went to bed early last night but it just feels good. I don’t know if it’s that fact I’m in bed with Taylor or it’s our bed and this is home to me, but it feels great. Taylor’s alive because I can hear him snoring a little. I don’t imagine he slept well in the hospital knowing what I know now.

I roll over onto my stomach and a little offside taking the pillow and scrunching it in my arms to push it up enough so I can rest my chin on it as I watch him sleep. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at him.

I stay there for awhile before he slowly wakes up and gives me the Sleepy kitty look, I’m not aware and awake yet blinks. I smile at him and he rolls over to meet me and kisses me. “Good morning.”

“Mmmn, good morning handsome.”

We kiss some more before he gets up and uses the bathroom then goes to make us coffee in the kitchenette. I wait a few minutes before going and taking my meds and brushing my teeth and using the bathroom myself.

Taylor passes me with a tray of breakfast and coffee and I turn on some music and sort of just sway and lightly sing along to this really good song “All we are, we are.” By Nathan Nathanson, it switches over when it’s done to “Yellow.” By Coldplay and Tay comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet and carried me to the bathroom. He sings along with the song to me his face all smiles as he does. I feel so light the way that he lifts me up, dainty in his hands and that’s such a wonderful and heady feeling. I wrap my arms around his neck kissing him; I don’t have a choice in the matter. I need to kiss him the exact same way I need water to drink our air to breathe.

Tay and I slowly peel each other out of our clothes and Taylor picks me up and settles into the bubble bath he ran for us. We have a big tub, I love a big tub. He kisses me and it’s one of those kisses when the guys ever so gently holds and cradles your face in his hands and doesn’t just kiss you as much as taste your soul. I fall in love all over again every time he kisses me like this. There is a depth and a strength to Tay’s tenderness that rocks me to my soul every time. I look into those mountain top grey eyes and lose myself in the Images I see there.

We kiss and wash lightly and touch each other just being intimate, not sex just intimate. He reaches over to the tray and he serves me breakfast in bubble bath. Orange segments in granola with a table spoon of ice cream instead of milk or yogurt (Ick.) it’s French vanilla and once you stir it together it just coats the orange bits in the granola and makes both all creamy, It’s just a little dish of it. A few micro-waved crispy slices of bacon and these chocolate filled croissants to go with our coffees. We feed each other as I’m laying and leaning against him. The stereo is playing “If I could change the World.” by Eric Clapton, “Heaven.” by Brain Addams and even “It’s a Wonderful World.” By Louis Armstrong…It’s an incredible song to cuddle up to a loved one to. It’s a prayer to me really sometimes. If I ever had kids as Jaimes even as Jaimes I would have sung that to them as a lullaby. I soak into Taylor like I do the song and the heat of the tub.

We wash each others hair, condition…Taylor makes a face when I put some into his hair but lets me. I straddle him and kiss him and he lets me shave his face clean again. “Patience.” is playing by Guns and Roses as I do. I surprise him by knowing not just all the lines and sing it to him along with the stereo but I can do the whistling part too. Tay returns the favor by letting me lie back and he shaves my legs and serenades me along with the stereo to “Have I told you Lately.” by Rod Stewart.

I know, god it’s OTT but at the same time it’s not. We’re just really singing to each other, often in private and we are both really found of the same music and the same artists and it seems two hopeless romantics that aren’t going to waste a minute of our love. We don’t want to say I wish I did that.

We take out time drying each other off and getting dressed. I’m cooking with Grams today and I’m nervous but excited. It’s going to be a real Sunday dinner with everything that goes with it. The girls are all coming over and it’s going to be amazing! I’m getting to learn to do stuff that I need to know, that my Aunt Katie got to learn from Grams just by being a girl, her daughter and most importantly I get to be part of that. I get to carry on that heritage that’s being a woman. A Powers family woman.

I get dressed with lotioning with my Nivea and blow dry out and brush my hair. I powder myself and spray on some deodorant before sliding into a really nice set of bra and panties done in a dusty rose nylon and lace. It makes me feel really feminine and pretty and good about myself. It really helps that Taylor is staring at me with wonder mixed with very obvious lust. It really makes something in me shine, I’m not complete and the way he looks at me I feel like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. It makes the fact I’m not complete yet not matter as much as it does most days. After such a romantic morning and the way he looks at me I take my lipstick and a tissue and I slink over to him and kiss him and gently push him against our bookshelf. I back off just enough to put on my satin pink lipstick slowly then kiss him again. Then kiss my way down leaving a trail of lipstick kiss prints over his muscled naked torso before taking him…making him mine, making him this big strong powerful and virile man cry out my name, whine in pleasure and grip the bookcase as I take him there. There’s eye contact this time, I look up his body and make sure he see’s me close my eyes in pleasure, like he’s…Yes it’s me being a bit slutty, it’s me doing something many women won’t do, get grossed out and freaked out by it. It’s pretty much just skin really, it’s Taylor and the feeling I get from doing this to/for him give me a high that outweighs any Ick factor. I even have this thought of Taylor caviar that kind of helps everything go down. Instead of it being a dirty porn thing I strive for the idea of making love to him that way.

Even after he still watches me brushing my teeth. “I’m not going to kiss my grandparents or my dad with you on my breath or lips honey.” I smile at him. It gets him chuckling and kisses me toothpaste and all. “I love you Jen, I’m going to bring in the rest of the laundry hon.” He kisses me again and leaves taking the clothes basket with him.

I finish getting dressed with a light spritz of peach scent and a nice dress a satiny blended fabric with white blossoms on it and it’s this dusky yellow color with a fitted waist and elbow long sleeves and a scoop neckline that hides my bra straps but shows off my breasts just right with a occasional hint of the lacy cups. I even like the length just above my knees and I slip into a pair of strappy sandals and head downstairs.

It’s about forty minutes later when Grams and Gramps and dad come in and carrying a whole bunch of bags of stuff with them. I took that time in between to put on several pots of tea and coffee and do some extra cleaning. I hug and kiss them good morning and if they had breakfast yet. They have so we head into the kitchen to get started just as Tim and Holly arrive with the kids and Davey brought Njinda and her mother, Nin introduces her to my dad and I can still see her scars, the permanent limp but I see the love and gratitude for him there.

War sucks, but I’m starting to really think If you’ve never been there either as a soldier or as a survivor you can’t know, we can’t know…If you’ve never been a kid crying because their homes blasted or burning and you’ve got nothing or worse or had to walk through those places…we shouldn’t talk about these things like we know we’re entitled to it. We’re not.

Sorry, it’s just seeing her with dad and the expressions on their faces and in their hearts took me there. Dad leads her over to one of the booths and gets them both a tea and they sit quietly talking together in Somali.

I’m so proud of him. I’m proud to be his daughter. Holly hugs an arm around my shoulders and leads me into the kitchen.

The turkey is the first thing we do because it takes the longest. The first surprise is Grams showing us how to use a basting needle to inject flavor into the meat. Then she takes a can of apple juice and mixes in a half cup of salt and a few drips of liquid smoke and heats it in a sauce pan then mixing in melted butter. She shows us how to inject the bird then she stuffs it with quarters of apples and pears tossed in summer savory. There’s salt and pepper put on top of it. We drop it into the biggest roasted we have that has the bottom covered with a bit of water and chunk chopped celery, carrots, onions with the skins on…Grams says that it adds a toasty flavor and color to the gravy. She says the veggies will help make and awesome gravy and finishes it off with a scattered handful of raisins and pecans.

We start prepping the other foods and I’m learning all sorts of family secrets and tricks like biscuits that you use  ½ mix of cake flour instead of bread flour, how you grate frozen butter into them instead of just mixing in so they are tender and raise up so fluffy.

Grams greens are a mixture of Swiss chard and beet greens along with turnip greens which are the tops of the actual turnips and more oddly green beans cut into long slivers they’re steamed and then cooked in just a bit of butter and diced bacon that you cook first until it’s crispy and just a pinch of onion flakes and…the really odd thing a bit of heavy cream and a shake of nutmeg. It’s kind of involved but as you cook the liquid out of them more and more the more the flavors blend together. I can’t help but put a tablespoon of it on a hot biscuit with butter. I swear I melt as much as the butter does. I’d have said you were nuts if you told me I’d like vegetables this much.

She makes a puree of boiled parsnips that she folds into this white cream gravy with ground sausage bits in it like for biscuits and gravy but it all goes over steamed cauliflower and baked with bread crumbs on top. I don’t like “Fake Broccoli.” but I like this, it’s the weird sweet of the parsnip mixing with the sausage and it sinks into all the crevices I can taste this with turkey it’s be good.

There’s peeled and boiled beets that get tossed in butter and a mixture of the spices you’d use to pickle them but done in a spice grinder and just a bit of them. Or the way she cooks up sweet potatoes chunked up with parsnips and carrots and squash chunks steamed then tossed in bacon drippings and chopped up crispy bacon plus a touch of nutmeg and cumin and for Nin and her mom we add a few allspice berries and plantains and this gravy of orange juice and tapioca flour it’s put in a dish and into the over until both kind of broil from the bacon fats and butter.

There’s more, like potato dressing. It’s really important because it’s both Dad’s and grampus’s favorite. It’s mashed potatoes with softly and lightly browned onions lot of them too, finely diced green onion tops and a lot of Summer Savory. Grams secret ingredient for it? Fresh ground black pepper and celery salt instead of normal salt in it. She mashes this up with chicken broth instead of milk or butter or cream. She tells me this over anything else is the foundation dish in our family. It’s in cold sandwiches with the turkey, the base for any turkey soup or chicken soup we make from left overs and even reground with a raw egg and flour and fried into like crispy dumplings served with soups or gravy or by themselves. I thought the batch was huge until dad and gramps came and begged a bowlful of it and sat at the counter just eating it with bread and tea.

Okay learning this after seeing the looks on their faces. That pure pleasure smiles of a favorite food. Taylor tries it and has a similar look. It makes me teary that this is mine now. I can make this for them anytime they want me to and I can do this for them. I feel so in synch right now

Out of the main dishes is the potatoes and we steam them then cool them and cut them into quarters. We toss them in the rendered fat from the turkey and then shake and bake before putting them in the oven to get crispy and roasted. The turkey is basted and basted and taken out to cool while we make the gravy. All the liquid from the bird and the stuff in the roaster is poured into a blender and it’s buzzed up looking like a real mess then we pour it through a strainer and stir it until the solids are off. That’s when we chill it to separate the fats for the potatoes. Once it’s done we add the heart and giblets. Gran does these in a pressure cooker with white wine, mushrooms and a herb bundle. It cooks for like an hour and she adds another potful of just water to it until the bits are smooshy tender. We buzz up the stuff and mix it with the other liquid and she thickens it as it is boiling in the pot with toasted flour and poultry seasonings. I try it once it’s done…

OMG, Grams’s gravy is a whole food group all on its own. It sounds like a lot of work but it’s just stuff from two pots buzzed up and strained and thickened into the best thing I’ve ever eaten.

Desserts are pies things that Grams wants me to learn because they’re a family favorite and secrets sometimes. The girls are allowed to learn because this is a secret for just the women of the family…I’ in tears and actually so honored when Grams said to us as we were getting started.

“The guys all have their things, building things and hunting or fishing and their own rituals and they bring the other men and the boys into the family with these things and that’s fine, better than fine because young men need direction nowadays. But in the Powers family and in the Swifts (Grams’s maiden name is Swift.) we keep our own secrets, things to cook, patterns for knitting and embroidery, remedies and what not all of it in the family journal.”

She had taken out of a book bag this old thick and heavy clothbound ledger binder that was really thick and filled full of these laminated pages. Some were really old, most were handwritten. There was recipes and all sorts of things in here even letters from these women to friends, family, sisters, mothers pictures too going from as far back as the first hand written recipe for lobster and scalloped potatoes dating back from 1852….we get to see stuff from all these periods of my family history.

My hands shake touching these pages. I even see a few recipes from my Aunt Katie in there. Not one of us, me or holly or Nin had ever seen such a thing and as much as there’s a lot of feminism and equal rights for women and a lot of girls turning their noses up at such things. It’s a wonder to us. Holly’s mom was and is a drunk and she grew up hard. Something like this wasn’t a part of her world, or Njinda’s she’s fascinated by the history of it. Me it’s the fact like holly this is a huge chunk of my history of myself that I never new existed. Natalie made sure I never really knew my dad or his family. Getting this back is a huge thing to me and the fact of being accepted as a real woman and as a daughter and granddaughter of this family brings me this indescribable feeling of joy.

Grams hugs me close and whispers in my ear. “This gets passed onto you next baby girl.”

“WwwWhat..?!”

“Unless your dad has another daughter this’ll be yours.”

“But…but..”

“You’re my granddaughter it goes to you.”

I turn around and hug her and cry. Good tears, better than good tears.

Custards…I know there’s tons of people out there going yeach! But as it turns out a good custard recipe is the basis of a huge amount of deserts. Ice cream is derived from it, Lemon pies, Key lime pies, Rice pudding...I’m told another favorite of the Powers men and a real money stretcher, bread puddings and the list goes on. She teaches us and it’s really essentially pudding you cook in a pot on the stove and it’s really easy to make. I’m going to tell you now. It’s mostly eggs, milk and sugar and it is just as easy to screw up.

Airy pies…Grams shows us how to melt gelatin then combine it with egg-whites and then beat them into stiff peaks. I mix...sorry, fold mine into a orange sherbet pie that’s a vanilla custard with concentrated frozen orange juiced added to it and the zest and juice of half a lemon and the zest of a medium sized orange it’s folded together and then baked like a soufflé of sorts then cooled in the fridge to set up. It’s so good! Like an orange sherbet pie all creamy and stuff but like as light as…as a container of thawed out cool whip.

I make that and top it with whipped cream and we make Lemon with real zest and real lemons in it. There’s also a layer of really thin slices of lemon with the peeling that we candied and put into the pie in layers of the pie filling.

But honestly my favorite is making a chocolate cake with boiled frosting? I love boiled frosting…I’ve never had it before today and I’ve never cleaned out a bowl with my fingers or licked the beaters the thing is neither has any of the girls or Taylor for that matter. That being said we make at Grams bidding one cake each to take home and so we can all share.

I share my beaters and bowl with Tay as we share a liter of milk and sit at the counter kissing and laughing and getting messy because we can only eat the icing off the other persons beater, so we’re feeding each other and kissing away the mistakes that we made of the other. Holly and Tim are doing the same thing. It’s a lot of fun but wow Holly’s kids get really messy and then there’s all that sugar running through their systems. Grams actually volunteers to clean them up.

Billy shows on his motorcycle with a date in tow and Angie shows up with Hunter all around suppertime. We don’t really have a dining room but we are a diner so we used the tables and the booths to eat at and we serve up everything on the counter. Oh my god the guys are like locusts. I’m a good eater, I’ll never be one of those eats daintily girls and I have a big nearly heaping plateful but the guys tear into everything eating with these blissful looks. I say my own blessing over my food quietly, not everyone is really comfortable with god in our little group. Njinda and her mother do likewise but it’s in Somali so I’m not sure what was said but they had bowed their heads. I never got that, even in church, I’ve always lifted mine up. That got me in trouble a few times in the past. Natalie said I was disrespecting god. I don’t get that either.

Anyway, every thing went over really well and we had a great time eating together and talking and laughing at just stuff really. I love this, the way it feels gathered together. I love how much this is appreciated by everyone here pretty much. There’s a lot of us never had the big family dinners and the ones that did like dad and my grandparents hadn’t done it in a long time. Hunter got weepy and upset because she used to do this with her dad’s family but since she’s transitioned none of them really want anything to do with her or Angie. We hug her and console her and Tay smiles at everyone as he hugs her too. “Why don’t we make this a full time thing? All of us get together here every Sunday and have a family dinner.”
I so love him right now. “I think that’s an awesome idea honey.”

Hunter sniffles. “But me and Mum aren’t your real family.”

I look at her then reach over and pull her over into my arms. “Hunter, I’ve got real family that were awful people just like your dad’s has been to you guys. Your mum stood up for me when she didn’t even know me. She’s definitely family to my heart.”

“But you barely know us.”

“I feel it honey, sometimes you just know. See my heart’s what tells me you and your mum are really nice and are really great people. I can tell you guys are right full of love. With everything I’ve been through I need all the extra love I can get. So I guess I kind of need you two in my family. I know I sound greedy but do you think you’d want to be part of my family? I’m looking at Angie as I’m asking and she’s crying but smiling really big. I can see this has been a rough road for her, supporting Hunter and losing family and being a single mum. I see her nodding through her tears. Hunter’s looking at me, then her mom, then to me again. “Really?”

Angie smiles and wipes tears away, we’re all wiping tears away even the guys. “Yes Hunter I think in a way we found our way home.” Hunter hugs me tightly around the waist. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She’s sobbing into my dress but they’re happy sobs and I can’t help but feel this energy, this indelible force in me that says…girl, woman, mother…love then, nurture them…It’s a maternal feeling and I’m not sure if it’s just an instinct but part of the light in my soul. You know when you do something and it just feels so right. I’m floating in it right now.

I hear her ask still kind of muffled by my torso. “Can I have a grand-mum too…I…I lost mine…” I’m about to answer and part of me feels stabbed from the hurt and betrayal in her voice. Grams slides out from the booth she was in and sinks to her knees and turns Hunter around to face her. Poor Hunter’s got the reddest eyes right now and tears streaming down her cheeks and her chins doing that shaky tremble… “Absolutely honey, absolutely….” Hunter latches on to Grams and starts to bawl like something painful just got healed. I’m crying and Taylor hugs me tightly and whispers in my ear. “Jen…you are the most amazing…wonderful girl in the world.” I love that feeling, I love him feeling he can be proud of me. Grams looks up at me crying too. “I’m so proud of you honey, god…(Grams actually looked up at the ceiling.)…Katie, do you see her? Thank you…(She looks back to me.) Jenna, you are so, so much like her you know that? She touched everyone’s lives around her and made them better.”

Now everyone is crying.

Dad gets up from his seat and kisses my cheek. “You did real good baby girl, I’m proud of you.” He goes and takes Angie to a seat and gives her his handkerchief and get’s her settled. The look of pride shining out of my Gramps is…It’s not like dads, getting that really beaming proud look of approval from your grandfather it’s different, it’s so special in it’s own way. He’s been through so much in his life and has so much life experience that when he looks at you like that…It actually feels like…like I made the world a better place. He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek as he walks to the kitchen carrying some dishes.

“C’mon fellas, family tradition the ladies cooked us a great supper and we’re going to do the dishes. Hun, why don’t you girls head up to the living room and watch those DVD things you rented.”

It takes a few minutes to get us all organized but about twenty minutes later we’re up in my…(I love saying that.) living room on the chairs and the couches with another cake and coffee and milk and stuff on the coffee table and my comforters and quilts and all my pillows as the whole bunch of us women nest and cuddle up to each other and watch The Notebook, then Titanic and we cry, and eat and swoon and bond.

During a movie pause and pee break I lean on Grams. “Do you got a picture of Aunt Katie?” She nods. “Yes, uhm here.” and she takes out a nice candid headshot of her.

“Can I borrow it?”

“Sure.”

I take it and run downstairs and put it in the scanner hooked to Taylor’s new office computer and take the photo-printer out of it’s box and hook it up. I print off a enlarged 8X12 copy and one of the empty frames I bought when we bought the photo stuff. I go back upstairs and set the picture against a pillow in front of the coffee table so she’s right there with us.

Grams is crying again and so is some of the other girls and I settle in and hug my Grams and put my head on her shoulder.

“That’s better, it’s only right she’s here too huh Grams?”

Images

Chapter 14

Everyone left after the movies were done with and it still took an hour of nice tears and hugs and getting thanked for such a wonderful night and exchanges of phone numbers and dishing out left overs.

Billy’s girls name is Dallas as it turns out and she’s another person this turned out to be a first for. “I wanted to thank you guys for inviting me and Billy over here. I’ve never had a meal or a night like this before.”

“Me neither it’s a first for me too.”

“Uhm, thanks for the left overs too. Home made foods a real nice change.”

“Hey anytime, we’re doing this again next Sunday if you want to come.”

“I…I...uhm, don’t know if I can, it’s not like Billy and I see each other steady like.”

“Dallas, I asked you to come. Billy’s great but he’s still Tay’s friend first, I’m inviting you whether you two are seeing each other or not.”

“Really?”

“Really. Friends okay?” I extend my hand to hers. She takes it and I pull her into a hug.

“Friends.” She agrees.

“I’ll see you later, have a good night.”

We head upstairs with Taylor saying that they got the prep work and stuff all done while we were upstairs watching our movies. I slip into our living room and put my Aunt Katie’s picture up on the wall on one of our shelves the kiss her goodnight my fingers to my lips then to the side of her face. “G’night Katie.”

I head off to start a shower and get ready for bed. Tay slips in with me and kisses the back of my neck. “Wash your back?”

“Mmmn. Please.”

I’m not so sore anymore so as so often happens our gentle washing becomes gentle touches and kisses and then we make love in the shower. I’m not as freaked out or upset about my bits as I was. I do get hit with that little anguishy wave of not feeling right and being insecure when we change positions from back to front. It’s easier in bed, it’s less exposed…But Tay lifts me into his arms and I wrap my legs around him as we make love, my back against the shower wall and I’m holding onto the various things we’ve got in there for grip and leverage.

Still it’s right there, literally between us and there’s a reaction that often happens from getting so stimulated. I hate it, I’m ashamed of it when it happens and I can’t help it but start to cry a little…

Right there it kills the mood which makes me feel even worse. I never got there, he didn’t get there and that hits me because this is me failing him. This is me just a fake and not a real girl for him to love and…I’m crying and bawling about it saying I’m sorry and kind of crumble like the girl I really am into the full on ugly cry.

Taylor takes me to bed and gets me dressed into my extra long Jessica rabbit t-shirt and naughty red nylon and lacy panties and takes me to bed holding me and kissing me so incredibly gently, touching me and telling me how beautiful I am. All the way until I fall asleep looking into those mountain top blue grey eyes of his.

Morning comes way too early for me and I can smell Taylor downstairs cooking. I’m late for work and I’m not sure I care. I feel like garbage, queasy and sad. I go and take my meds and sit to pee and just tucking to go triggers it…I start to cry. I feel fake and incomplete and not right. It feels like I’m never going to be myself or happy, like perfectly happy. I’m never going to be a real girl, I feel the water in the shower running down my body off it and it’s wrong. I feel wrong.

I’m so fucking tired of feeling wrong.

It hurts. If you’re not going through this there is no way you can understand it. Gender identity is something so fundamental to everyone. It’s like being able to see or hear. Being transgendered and not actually being the person you’re supposed to be is torture. Blind people or Deaf people can have really hard times with some things in life but unless they’re a trans too they are still themselves. There are times like today I feel like I’ll never be whole. I end up crying on the floor of the shower.

I feel it today, I feel ugly. I look in the mirror and I see Jaime. I see him looking at me with reddened eyes and a face that’s not really a mans but…there’s parts of it that are just a bit too angular to be female…or human…My nose, what give has a broken nose.

My shoulders are too big. I played fucking football. I stopped yes when I was fifteen and started this useless…I…football…I was already starting to grow up then and I see every thing there in the mirror…I feel like I’m the thing. My arms are too long, my feet are too big. My breasts are too small and look pathetic on my body. A year and a half of being on my own and dead broke thinned me, If it came to eating or my hormones…the pills won every time. I look like a sickly she-male heroin addict.

I take another dose of my meds and another and some sleeping pills. I crawl back into bed with just my panties on and cry until the pills take me away.

I’m not sure when I woke up or what time it was but My head’s in Grams’s lap, stroking my hair. I feel sick, my breasts hurt and…she’s there with a waste basket as I throw up. I’m not sure how long that lasts either. I look up at her crying and she looks at me smiling and is making those gentle shushing sounds. I break. “Oh…Grammmms! Why?, What’d I do? Why can’t I be real?” I roll over on my side and bury my face into her stomach and bawl my eyes out until I’m shaking like I’m spasming, hyperventilating almost.

It was bad, it was one of those moments if you know what it’s like to be transgendered that we get. That insurmountable insecurity that comes on you like a storm. I’ll admit I think for some of us hormones are an issue with this. They don’t cause the feelings but they really make them more intense. I’m in transition and I can’t imagine the hell of those that can’t. There’s a real reason there is so much, so many cases of anxiety and chronic depression in our community. With what I was going to do before…I’m pretty sure Grams might have saved my life. Taking a triple dose of hormones in one day isn’t smart. It won’t kill you, but I’m feeling like crap and really sick all day and extra weepy.

My grams takes care of me as I spend the day in the bathroom or in bed crying with her comforting me. Taylor comes up here after the lunch rush is over. Grams steps out of the bedroom and I can hear them talking but not what they’re saying. Taylor comes in with his hair held back in a bandanna and cooking stains on what was a white t-shirt this morning. He smiles at me with this mixture of worry in there and crawls into the bed with me. His arms reach out and roll me over to face him. “Hey beautiful.”

“No…I’m not…” I whine, I hate myself right now.

“Yeah, you are. Jen you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I am not…”

“God Jenna, You are, you are so beautiful and amazing and smart, you care about people so much when you shouldn’t, not with all those things that you’ve been through.”

“Bbbut, I’m no..”

“You have a nice butt.”

“Taaaay.” More whining, I’m so pathetic. He’s going to get sick of me…he should be sick of me, disgusted. He pulls me in by my shoulders and plants a kiss on me. Not one of those soft movie kisses but this I’m going to make you stop, shut you up kisses that the girl never expects coming…Oh… my eyes widen and he’s got his tongue in my mouth swirling around and then pulls it back and then sucks my tongue into his mouth even as he’s passionately kissing me.

It’s a kiss like none that I’ve ever had before, it and Tay sucks the air out of me. Then he kisses me again and this time it’s sweeter, softer and his touch loving and like magik it seems to trickle strength into me like with each touch each caress is like that arc between our sparks and I can feel this energy of Taylor’s sinking into me and my skin. I can feel it inside me, cleansing my soul.

God I can feel it, him washing away my fear, my pain, my anguish those kisses on my eyelids with this sensation that….That my soul, my heart can only compare it to what it must feel like to be baptized…no, What John must have felt…you know, the real baptism…Tay’s kiss is this light to my soul and my beacon out of the darkness today.

We break the kiss and Taylor slides out of the bed and he heads out the door only pausing to smile at me as I’m lying there, naked from the top up, on my side with clean clear tears running down my face. “Jenna I love you, and I know that it’s the real thing. Do you know why? It’s because of you…you’re the reason I’m still here. You’re the reason my heart is even beating.” With that he slips away to go downstairs to go back to work.

I sit there feeling the words resonating in my heart. I’m…I’m wasting time with this. I have to be better than this, I have to get passed these feelings. I call Dr. Wilson. “Hello? This is Jenna Powers, I need to set an emergency session…Yes I’ll hold…” I’m out of the bed holding the phone pacing back and back and forth. Then there’s a voice on the other line. “Jenna?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“I’d like to make an appointment as soon as possible.”

“Did something happen?”

“Yes…I…keep hitting a wall, in my head, about me and everything’s just…(I’m on the verge of tears again.)

“Jenna, Jenna calm down. How soon can you get to my office?”

“I can come over now.”

“Good, here’s my address.”

I take down the address and I go and shower and get cleaned up just a bit and dressed before going downstairs. I wait a few moments before there’s a slow down…supper rush already? I go over to Taylor and kiss him. “I have to go out, I have an emergency appointment with Dr. Wilson…I need to do something Tay, I can’t take the way I’m yo-yoing up and down all the time.”

“Who’s going to take you?”

“I’ll take a cab.”

“You sure, I can go…”

“No baby, it’s the middle of the supper rush and everything I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

He takes out his wallet and a stack of bills. “Taylor I…”

“I want you to take this, you might need things after your appointment okay?” His eyes his face is saying please.

“Alright okay I’ll take it, but it comes out of my pay.”

“No it doesn’t, You’re my fiancée remember?”

I sigh. “Okay.”

“You’re taking the truck.”

“I don’t have my license.”

“Your Grams does.”

“Grams? Uhm can she even drive the truck?”

“Please honey, I can certainly drive Taylor’s truck now get your coat and your purse.” Grams said as she took the keys from him and spun the keys around her finger.

I grab my things and we set out through the after work, after supper traffic. Grams drives pretty well. Then again I don’t know anything about any of the stuff that she’s done in her life.

The appointment is at her house out in these older money suburbs. You know the places that have the three to four stories and fancy roof styles and the turrets with the window seats and where there’s statues at the ends of the driveways and hedges everywhere.

Dr. Wilson’s is really big and done in this white siding and that whole Riverstone finish in a ranch house meets plantation house design. It’s on the edge of the neighborhood with lots of trees and a lot of fenced off property and two large barns with lots of trees. I’m kind of rubbernecking as we pull into the lane and drive up to the house. I see a girl waiting on the steps drinking a bottle of coke. I get out and so does Grams and we walk up to the steps where the girl is. “Uhm Hello? I’m looking for Dr. Wilson.”

“Y’huh, Mom asked me to wait for you. She said to come on out back. I’m Terri by the way.”

“I’m Jenna and this is my Grams.”

“My name is Stephanie dear it’s nice to meet you.” Grams tosses in. I did know her name it’s just you don’t generally call parents or grandparents by their first names.

The house is nice, very nice and It’s everything I expect it to be and yet resoundingly not. There’s a disorder to things here and there. Toys in places where they were just left, magazines too. Laundry piles in the laundry room both look clean and not done yet and different stuff playing all over the house. I hear two different TV shows and several different genres of music playing. The house is beautiful but lived in. Not an austere museum of a house like I grew up in but this house was busy, there was life in it. Terri leads us right through the house to this huge back patio that is made of more flat stones and a wall like those stone and mortar fences. There’s a whole bunch of kids at picnic tables on the back lawn by a swimming pool and an older woman in her 40’s is cooking behind this really huge stainless steel grill. She’s in jeans and a muscle shirt/tank top and is cooking she’s tall and has strong shoulders and has actually really well defined muscles in her arms. She’s beautiful but she nearly makes two of me. Is she?…I think so…

She looks at me from the grill. “Hi Jenna, Have you eaten yet? Today?”

I’m still unsure of myself but Grams speaks up. “No she hasn’t, and she needs to.”

“You must be her Grandmother, Linda told me about you. Please come over and make yourselves at home My name's Marley by the way.”

We both come over and Dr. Wilson passes me an apron. “Give me a hand will you? It always helps to be able to do something as you talk.”

I help her cook supper for all her kids and her foster kids and even step-kids. I don’t mean to sound cruel but it’s a little like being at the pound. All her kids are messed up. I mean they’ve all had rough lives. One has lots of burn scars, another has just scars. There’s two of them in wheelchairs…one is an double amputee with both legs taken off just above the knees…she…he’s a boy but he’s in a nice dress and looks pretty, and happy too laughing with the other kids and I see some sign language going on here and there too. Many of them are younger to my age. I feel older than that though.

“Most of our kids are special Jenna, I guess you can say I’ve got my own OCD issues and there are some of my kids here have been through the system so much and been through too much I don’t trust people to love them as much as I do. I know it’s not really totally professional but I learned a long time ago to just let love be what it is.”

I talk with her starting about how I’ve been feeling lately. We go from that to Jaimes and just how disconnected he/I was. Apparently I’m not alone there. According to Marley people like me who have gender dysphoria either shut down like I did and disconnect from who we are or present as classic TG needs. Even my or rather Jaimes being a man whore is explained as we can’t feel or recognize what we’re feeling as our true gender so we can get sexually obsessed with being with the gender we identify with as much as possible to be as close to them as we can.

There’s an emotional dam there that I’ve built up and this dam or it’s walls have been built even harder from the abuse I’ve suffered all my life from the way Jaimes was raised in a strict and sterile background and no real love and affection to where I’m at now. My new life, my new love and being on my hormones that are freeing up my emotions even more are all putting pressure on my walls inside so when I spring a leak it’s under such a high emotional pressure it’s destructive like a high powered stream of water can be.

It takes a few hours to get to this and we went from the BBQ to eating some very good steaks with asparagus and grilled veggies on the grill to being in the horse barns cleaning out her stables and rubbing down and grooming her horses. She’s a big advocate of horses and other animals being therapeutic for kids with problems and trauma…We’re not alone as we talk about my stuff and what’s going on with me. I see one of the kids, the one with the burns petting a younger horse. I hear her whisper…”I love you too, you’re not scared of me are you…” It makes me cry a bit. The crying helps me open up to Marley as we work. I’ve never been around horses that much but there’s something soothing about the work and being physical that I’ve missed and brushing down the horses is just amazing. We finished loading new hay bales from storage to where they’ll be used up in the next couple of days and I’m rubbing my sore arms and my still healing shoulder.

“Feels good right?”

“Huh?”

“Working, doing something physical.”

“Uhm…”

“Yeah, you’re thinking that this is too much like the old you. Too guy like to haul and lift and lug and stuff.’

“I…I guess.”

“It’s a normal reaction from many trans people Jenna. It’s over compensation for feeling that they aren’t the gender they need to be.”

“It is?”

“Yes and it’s bullshit really.”

“Bullshit? Is that a new technical term Doc?”

“Nope an old one. I’m just someone who found that she’s had a knack for helping people deal with stuff and felt good about it. I went to school for it so I know what I’m talking about or how to recognize things when they come up Jenna. I’m good at it, but you can talk to anyone about the stuff in your life. It doesn’t just have to be me.”

“Isn’t that threatening you’re job?”

“Hardly, I’m of the opinion if I can help somebody so I don’t have to see them again then that’s a good thing.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“Sure, If you’re trusting me then it only works if I do the same.”

“Are you a trans too?”

“No, I’m all girl?”

“Uhm , really?”

“Yep, a full on GG. I’m also the only girl out of four boys and I’ve a twin brother and come from a family of very big people.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, I know I get that reaction from a lot of my trans-patients and the label of butch dyke from the public.”

“Are you gay?, er I mean lesbian?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Follow me.”

We went over to another part of the barn where they have one of those exercise rings for the horses. I see this lovely woman in her thirties I’d guess with long silky brown hair you only really see on Hindi ladies or native americans getting the trans-girl that was in the wheelchair into this modified saddle with straps to hold her in and then start getting her to ride around the ring and go through curves and figure eights and to ride without her hands and trust the harness and guide the horse by shifting her weight and stuff…It’s amazing to watch but not as amazing as seeing then go over a small jump with the horse. It’s a real basic one even I can see that much but the look on the girls face was I rode!, I jumped! I’m free! She rode to the woman after that and reached acrossed the horse to the other woman and bawled out of sheer happiness. I think I just seen a real life miracle.

Marley is crying and wiping away happy tears. “That’s my foster daughter Phoenix and that amazing person with her is Em. Em, is kind of short for Emerson but she lives as a woman even if she’s a male. Emerson is my heart and my husband. When he came out to me about who he really was that he needed to live as the person she really was it changed my entire life. Em and I have been together ever since I started my doctorate. It changed me, it wasn’t easy but Em had always seen me and not what I looked like. She loved me warts and all and I never thought when I took the chance to love Em rather than force them to live as Emerson that I’d love someone so much.”

“I see you there like Em, Jenna. You’re just learning to be yourself all over again but you don’t have to start totally over. Jaimes despite his life had really great things about him as a person and trying to separate him from you wont work. Jaimes isn’t the flower right here beside me but he is you’re roots honey. It’s just you’ve been only touching the negative things in his existence until now. You have to stop doing that. It’s hurting you.”

We watch Em work with Phoenix amazed for another half an hour just watching and seeing Marley so in love with Em her beautiful woman husband who is shining as she teaches this young trans-girl double amputee fly around the ring and jumping over and over again like she’s flying her arms open wide and tears streaming in the wind of riding and being free…I can’t help but here the words of one of my favorite songs in my head watching Phoenix flying.

“Well I just heard the news today.”
“It seems my life is going to change.”
“I closed my eyes and begin to pray.”
“Then tears of joy streamed down my face…”

“With arms wide open.”
“Under the sunlight.”
“Welcome to this place.”
“I’ll show you everything.”
“With arms wipe open.”
“With arms wide open.”

…..The song is still playing through my head as are all the thoughts of just some of the stuff we talked about and the stuff I learned and had seen tonight. Grams stops us at the pharmacy so I can get my prescription that Marley had written for me it’s a mild anti-depressant and I shop for a few things I need well more like want and we head home. It’s about ten o’clock when we get in and I slip in and see Taylor playing Wisk with Dad and Gramps at one of the booths. I go over and hug the three of them, Gramps beams as he hugged me then crinkles up his nose. “Ya smell like horse.” dad takes his turn hugging me tightly. “Hey baby girl. You doing better?”

“Yeah daddy I am.” I love being able to just be able to say that. “I’ve got a long way to go but it was good, I think…I think I just might be okay.” I hug him tightly back. “I love you daddy.”

“I love you too baby girl.” Taylor pulls me gently out of dad’s embrace into his own arms.

“I missed you.”

“I’m sorry, I just had a bad day today. It’s gotten a lot better now though.” I nuzzle with him and bite, nibble just ever so lightly on his lower right jaw, his lower lip before kissing him. He kisses me back, and nuzzles me back and his fingers run up to my hair and run through my too short hair playing with my scalp but I’m liking it all the same. “Thank you honey…thank you so much Tay..”

“For what?”

“For this afternoon, for the things you said to me, for loving me so much it gave me the strength to go on, to have the courage to get some help.”

“Jen, I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

“You’re already doing it baby, you love me.”

“You make it really easy to love you Jenna.”

“Will you do one more thing for me love?” I kiss him sweetly as I ask him.

“Anything, I love you, anything…”

“Stay; Live, fight, grow old with me.”

“Yes…Because I’ve got something and someone really worth fighting for.”

“Taylor?” I kiss him again with more passion.

“Yes?”

“Take me upstairs, take me home, take me to our bed…”

He sweeps me into his arms like I weight nothing and carries me upstairs. Leaving the others to lock up.

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(I was told of a snafu with the name of Jenna’s therapist and her Grams. This has been fixed in edit in #14. Dr.Wilson’s first name is now Marley. Thanks Eric.)

Chapter 15

Last night was great. I had found some balance after talking for close to three hours with Marley and coming home was really good. Tay took me to bed after a shared shower which I needed and making love together in the shower…face to face…I needed to face that part of me down. It was hard no pun intended, to make love with my constant reminder right there. Taylor was awesome, and not just in how god good he was. He made love to me and told me. “It’s just a detail, an outy instead of an inny Jen, it’s just a really big different girl bit.” Yeah there’s some dirty talk about it and he called in my little girl, and other things and I let his hand uhm…help there.

I got there twice in the shower and twice more in bed. Taylor got there seven times! Seven times! Last night as I came to grips with my inner demon called Jaimes in the past.

I wake up well before Taylor who’s snoring a little and still a typical guy in the mornings. I can’t help but smile and slithered down and “Kissed” him awake. Literally I tongue kiss “Him” it’s so…I’m doing that to him and him watching me and seeing his head roll back and him crying out my name over and over again, his hands pounding the bed and gripping the sheets or running his fingers over my scalp and thin hair. He get’s there really soon, I’m learning to master my gag reflex. I enjoy my early morning Taylor caviar. I keep at it until he’s ready again and I straddle him and we make love all over again. I get there really fast and once again before his second time. I kiss him and get out of bed and go and brush my teeth. I take my meds and my vitamins and I get dressed into a tank and shorts without getting cleaned up…I want to keep the feeling on him and the traces of him awhile yet and buzz up a strawberry protein smoothie with a bit of orange juice and ugh…yogurt. I take it with me and for the first time in ages I go for a run. I kiss Taylor and head off into the early morning light.

I run four miles this morning I’m really enjoying it, the running, the feeling of just having had sex and the strengthening bounce of my breasts as I run. It feels so good and self affirming but it doesn’t take me long before I’m winded and gasping but I’m used to it. I’m really out of shape but I’m used to working out and passed the threshold of pain. I used to run more than this, but it’s been a long time since I’ve done that. Half way I’m at where the train yards gates are and I kill my smoothie and then run back. Once I see Mavericks I push it running harder than before. I run inside and up the steps…Taylor’s up and in the shower. I drop and tuck my feet under the edge of my bed and crank out a few sit ups/crunches only getting to twenty barely before I’m done…can’t just can’t do any more…

I slide into the shower and kiss my guy. I wash his back and wash myself and when he responds to my touch…I respond in kind and let him take me again…hard…I ask for it hard. I know, I know it sounds like a lot of sex, it is really. We’re young and I’m in a good mood better for my talk, trying to embrace myself. It’s not that strange when you really think about it. What seventeen year old girl isn’t as aroused as this? The fact that it’s held that girls aren’t into sex as much as guys is a great big myth. The endorphins are definitely kicking in.

I love after we shower together almost as much as we make love, maybe more actually. There’s this great tango thing we do as we brush teeth and hair and do our business. I’ve got a whole lot less to do with my shaved head, well it’s growing out really fast actually so it’s actually now about an inch and a half after eleven days. My bruises are gone so I feel a whole lot prettier than before except for my still healing shoulder. I’m okay with that it was kind of a really bad injury and needed surgery and stuff. The stitches have dissolved and it’s healed but not totally healed it’ll always be a scar there and it’ll be still an ugly color for the rest of the month. Ah well a t-shirt will cover that up for now. I find a black t-shirt…no, I’ve got this button up top with short sleeves in red that’ll go great with my black bra and panty set and a short black skirt. I toss on a slip with it and leave a few buttons of my top undone so I’m showing off my girls. I get my feet into my strappy black flats and a few spritzes to smell nice and…I slip into the bathroom and it’s just long enough…I spike my hair just a little. All the while I’m dancing around with Taylor in my way, me being in his way, touching each other, making faces. Him soaping up to shave and me making him stop so I can draw happy faces on his cheeks with my fingertip while he rolls his eyes and lets out one of those long suffering sighs. We laugh together and kiss each other and it’s…it’s something that I just love.

He’s gone down ahead of me as I go a little punk in my make up playing up my mood and my new hairstyle. I use a bit heavier make up around my eyes and darker lipstick with some extra shine to it. I’m not really a big user of blush or concealer so I just use an tiny amount of both. I think it looks good, I’d want to have some more piercing if I really wanted to carry it off as a full time look. I toss on some bracelets on one wrist my left because I’m a righty and trying to write orders and fight bracelets would just drive me nuts. My pewter celtic cross I bought once and is on a leather cord and goes around my neck and settles just right between my breasts. I go downstairs and kiss Taylor good morning as we grab a quick bite. Taylor makes us this waffle thing with whole wheat bread dough that’s a little thin with bits of cheese and green onion in it and once he pours it into the waffle iron he lays crispy fried strips of bacon over it and then closes it.

Yum!

It’s like fresh multigrain bread and toast all at once with flavors of stuff you’d put in an omelet and we eat them with scrambled eggs on top of them. It’s quick too if you’re making bread at home.

The girls show up and we’re soon busy as the words gotten out around the yards that we’re back to being open. Breakfast is a huge busy time for us, you got the eating in crowd here for a bite before work and then we’ve got a sandwich service at the ground floor kinda sorta take out window. It’s chaos with rotating customers and taking orders and clearing dishes and everything. It’s massively busy today as our regulars have gone without their fix for nearly two weeks. I’m having fun. It’s kind of because what Marley, Dr. Wilson said. That I’ve really hurt myself by not admitting to who I was. That I was Jaimes and Jaimes was just trying to become me. I wasn’t a bad person then I just was trapped by my life and what I thought was the truth about who I was. I’m actually the same person I was then just different, younger and still searching.

I kind of go with the thought today. I treat the chaos as I would’ve back when I was playing football. I’m dodging Holly and Nin and customers as I’m taking orders and serving them up and clearing the tables going through phases of offence and defense and I’m bantering with customers like I’d do with other players and teammates and treating all the orders like different plays. And just like in the game I get caught up in the action and it stops being work, the shyness seems to just melt away and I’m having fun. I get into bouncy high energy and it’s contagious I think as Taylor and holly and Njinda get more involved into it.

It’s really cool to see Taylor getting excited about it too. This place is his baby and he loves it so much. It’s cool to see him crank up the music of the local radio station and rapidly do stuff like flipping pancakes off the grill at high speed and take a potato for our potato slices we use for hash browns on the grill and hold it in one hand as he cuts the slices off of it and flying it onto the greased griddle like a salad shooter.

Our customers get into the energy and they have a good time and they tip well. Gramps and Grams show up with Holly’s kids as they’re baby sitting their new grandkids and dad shows up for breakfast and they soon get known to the regulars and the news of our engagement gets out to be cheered each time it comes out along with demands for me to flaunt my ring and the Kudos that Taylor gets from both asking my family and giving me his mothers ring.

It awesome and romantic and fun and exciting. I strut and touch and tease Tay all morning too when I’m not going at it full tilt with the orders and everything. It’s a great morning and once the stuffs for lunch is started and bread baking and the dishwasher going I grab him by the wrist and pull him into the store room as Holly gives me a thumbs up as I grab my purse. “Jenna? What are you…”

I kiss him shoving my tongue down his throat and sucking on his tongue for a few minutes. The good thing about the top being buttoned so low it goes off over my head really fast. “Tay, C’mon kiss me, take me…” I pull him by his already stained T-shirt to me and we kiss again. “Oh wow Jen…are you sure?”

My hand shoots to his crotch and starts grabbing and feeling and…yay!

“Okay…You’re sure.”

We have a quickie in the store room. We go through several positions and make each other happy…twice. I redress adding a panty liner and pad until later but I’m feeling good…it’s not really being sore anymore, well it is but a good sore I’m starting to like.

I lean against him as we share a coffee and take it easy now that the rush is over with and everything. I love this too, this post sex feeling sipping one of those coffees he made me when we first met. His arms around me as we sway to the music on the radio. I’m not sure the song but it’s something by Diana Krall.

“You’re feeling better.”

“Yeah I feel good today Tay.”

“You’re feeling uhm Randier than you usually do?”

“I am not, I don’t even know a Randy.”

He chuckles a bit and tightens the hug. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I’m getting over some of my fear about the way I am right now and the more that is the more I feel just how much I love you without the background noise. The more I feel it the uhm more needful of you I get.”

“Really/”

“Really, Tay do you know what the most powerful sexual part of a woman is?’

“Uhm her Ti..” I tilt my head up and nip his chin. “No, honey not even close.”

“Uhm her cli…” I elbow him a little, he makes a big fake Oof out of it.

“No Taylor, it’s her brain, her mind.”

“So does that mean I’ve been F-ing your brains out?”

“You’re such a guy.” I kiss him and kiss him and I love doing it in between waiting on customers.

We do beef stew, and Sheppard’s pie, and Spaghetti with parmesan sauce and spicy sausage chunks and Wedding soup…That’s going to be served until we’re married. It’s a chicken soup that Taylor roasted first it’s dumped into a huge pot with finely chopped leeks and carrots and celery a couple of onions all in a big pot of chicken stock. The chicken is added with Italian sausage bits or balls…Tay oven roasts them with the chicken and just cut them up as he adds the chicken that’s pulled off the bone. The last things he put in his is green pepper puree, roasted garlic puree and this green called escarole that’s really bitter like baby spinach. It’s different but loved by the Italian community and when it’s served up at lunch we run out of it. We get request for more and for soup for the guys to put into thermoses because some of our take out guys are working away from us down the line.

We don’t make love in the slow part of the afternoon. I talk on the phone to order things from the suppliers and Taylor’s in between the office and baking and cooking for those that are still coming in between the meal crowds and he introduces me to the guys who show up out back with deliveries. It’s all fascinating and really cool. I don’t laze either or let the guys do all the work of unloading everything. Our veggie guy comes on Tuesdays as does the milk guys and our egg guys. Meat guy was yesterday, fish guys and the cheese guys come on Thursdays along with the milk guys again.

I love learning this meeting these guys and this…it’s real, it’s my life and I’m really doing something with it…It feels so good, I feel so blessed. I love introducing myself as Jenna Powers. I like being taken as a girl at face value…I was scared as hell really of being made with my hair all short and everything. I still see the boy I was sometimes in the mirror. After the breakfast and lunch rushes I was fixing my make up in the mirror and stopped to take a look there. Yes I can still see him/me there but we’re both smiling now. It feels good. I feel so good.

I throw some more bread dough together in the mixer as I give each of the suppliers a freshly baked loaf of bread and smile at Taylor when he looks at me surprised like he had never thought of that. I kiss him. “They’re all kind of part of the team too right?”

“Uh, yeah I just never thought of that. I mean it’s cool honey.”

“Thank you, I’m trying to get all this right.”

“You are you’re picking this up nicely.”

“Really, I’m proud of you.”

We end up kissing together for awhile. Me on his lap as we take a few moments just for ourselves. “Taylor?”

“Mmmn?” He’s kissing me and had a hand in my blouse under my bra, it feels sooo good right now, especially as he’s gently playing with my nipple.

“I think we need to hire some more staff.”

“We do?”

“Yeah, oh…I mean uhm yeah we do when we got get our medical stuff taken care of. The insurance guys are going to pay out wages for Holly and Nin while we’re closed.”

“Mmm, good point. When did you come up with this?”

“I’ve been obsessing over this kind of stuff Tay, I worry about all this stuff just like I worry about other stuff.”

“Other stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“Like?”

“Losing you? What’ll happen if that happens. If the people who hate me find me again? Stuff like that.”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“You promise?”

“I promise but I can do better than that.”

“You can do better than that?”

“Yeah, Dr. Clark called this afternoon from the oncology department.”

“And?”

“And he thinks there might be a surgical treatment that they might be able to try.”

“Really!”

“Yeah, really honey.”

“What is it!?”

“I don’t know but they’re flying in a specialist from John Hopkins in the states to consult. We’ve got an appointment to see them on Monday.”

“Oh my god!, This is awesome! It’s so great!”

“Jenna...Jenna…Don’t, don’t we don’t know anything yet, lets not get our hopes up…”

The words hit me right along with the little bit of tremble in his voice and the look in his eyes. He so scared right now. There’s this beautiful chance at hope there now being dangled in front of him and now with me and everything else in his life he’s got so much to lose if the news turns out bad all over again.

I straddle his lap and begin to sweetly and tenderly kiss him while wrapping my arms around his neck and bring my fingers up to play with his hair, rub his temples with my thumbs and nuzzle his face, cheek rubbing cheek back and forth, long sweet kiss. I put my forehead to his and look him in the eyes.

“Taylor Winters, you are the heart of my heart. My knight in shining armor when I thought I knew that knights didn’t exist. You’re…” I get up and kiss him. You stay here, I’ll be right back.” I run in and look at Holly and Nin. “Hey guys can I have an hour or so? Tay’s just gotten word about something that Might help but he’s kinda freaked and scared and needs me now.”

Holly waves me off. “Go, go We’ve got all the help we need, right Johnny?” She says as she tosses an apron over to my dad. He catches it. “Yeah go no problem we’ve got it covered.” He does take out his cell phone to call somebody. I run upstairs and grab the guitar and run back down to where Taylor’s sitting in the sunlight on the back loading dock on a small crate his back to the wall. I kiss him on his eyelids like he’s done for me and then sweetly and sensuously on his lips. He opens those gorgeous mountaintop grey eyes and I fall into love with him a little deeper. We nuzzle, face rub, cheek to cheek all over again before another long sweet kiss…I slide back onto his lap and lean myself against him and tune the guitar a second. He wraps those arms around me again holding my so perfectly, kisses my neck.

My fingers start to run over the strings of the acoustic and I begin to find the chords I’m looking for as I begin to play I also begin to sing to him.

“Love of my life.”

“I don’t have a lot to give you.”

“What’s in my heart.’

“Is all that I can really love you.”

“Love, undying love is all I have.’

“A handful of words, that might make you laugh.”

“And all the strength you need…”

“To make it through…”

“All your troubled times.”

“I give all of myself to you…”

“Only you…”

“My dream come true.”

“Love of my life…”

“You were all I ever wanted.”

“To be with you…”

“Is all I ever really wanted.”

“You…You’ve made my life a fairy tale.”

“You’ve added love to a life that was so stale.”

“And know that I’ll be here…”

“Always for you…When you need a friend.”

“I give all of my self to you…”

“Only you…”

“My dream come true.”

“I’ve been waiting all my life for you.”

“Now all my waiting is through.”

“All the nights spent dreaming I knew…”

“That my dream would come true.”

“So many nights…”

“I laid awake dreaming I knew.”

“One day I’d be with you.”

“How all my nights of dreaming are through…”

“Cause my dream has come true.”

“Oh…dream come true…”

“I’ve been dreaming of you…”

I let the last notes of the song fade into the dying hum of the guitar chords as I hold that fading note on my lips before setting the acoustic down and then shifting my weight so I can swivel around still being held by Taylor’s arms and Straddle him again.

I look up at him through my lashes a little shyly and self conscious as I’ve only really sang to him in our place before. This was semi-public. Tay’s grip tightens but slides down to the small of my back and he’s crying as he stares at me.

There’s this look he’s giving me that fills me like light fill the darkness. There is absolutely nothing like it because…God…to me God is love, God made man in his image…and right now Taylor is looking at me with that love that God’s supposed to have for all of us….This complete and perfect love…I feel, I really feeling this…this feeling the way we are together, the way we feel about each other healing things in us that…that I can’t even describe….I don’t want to, it’d spoil it.

Taylor’s hands slowly slide from the small of my back down to my bottom them a sweet caress and a squeeze then up to my sides and then cupping for just a second over the swell of my breasts then continuing up until they reach my neck…then they leave from there so he can touch my face with shaking fingers and hold me so gently by my face that it’s like I’m a soap bubble that might pop on him. There’s still tears streaming down his cheeks as he looks at me. He’s just so close he’s only an eyelash away….”Jenna…Oh..Jen…You haven’t just saved my life but I…I think you saved my soul…” It’s choppy because he’s crying, his voice is cracking a little but it’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. Then he kisses me…

You know that bit at the end of the “Princess Bride.” Where Peter Falk is telling the end of the story in that monologue about the kiss between Penelope and Wesley?

I’ve got that beaten hands down.

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Chapter 16

The thing about sharing the loving and tender moments when afterwards you should be making love to your other half is that sometimes there’s just the fact you have to get back to your real life. Taylor and I hug and kiss and very passionate neck for about an hour or the rest of the hour before we hold hands back into the diner and get back to work.

I’m still excited by the fact that there is news to be had about Taylor’s condition. It and the love and the way we’ve been physical today so far has me in a really good mood. Dad even stays and works with us for a little while helping out. He’s taking his repayment out in the way of cooking for the date…he cancelled this afternoon for me and Taylor.

“Dad, you didn’t have to do that for us.”

“You’re my daughter; this is one of those things that parents do for their kids.”

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t I mean your life’s been tossed on hold ever since you found out about me and came up here.”

“Jenna, enough I’ve already done it and I’d do it again.”

“But we should make it up to you.”

“You are, I’m cooking her supper.”

“Can I ask who?”

“Angie.”

“The ER nurse?”

“Yup, we kind of got close since I got up here and you were in the hospital, plus the other night here.”

“Oh…Are you taking this to her work?”

“No she get’s off at six.”

“You guys need a baby sitter?”

“No, or not yet. If this is going anywhere it’s going to involve Hunter too.”

“Okay but the offer’s open.”

“Even if we’re not going out and she just needs someone to watch Hunter for awhile?”

“Of course!”

“Good to know, I’ll mention it to Angie.”

We got back to work and soon dad was off to see Angie and Hunter armed with a tray of homemade lasagna and garlic bread and a salad. I think he was picking up a dessert at a bakery or something. I’m happy because it might give him an extra reason to stick around.

Work goes like it did in the earlier shift and we had to make another batch of Wedding soup because it went so well at lunch we had run out. I’m back in the zone treating the action like I would have if I was on the field. But in between that, Taylor and I sneak PDA’s with lover’s touches and even kiss right out in the open. I blush when some of the guys who are the older regulars start telling Taylor off about making free with their girl. If they only knew right? I still enjoy it, the fact that’s what I am to them. Just one of the girls.

By the end of shift though as great as the day has been it’s a fast paced place and there’s a lot of stuff even afterward like scrubbing the floors and bathrooms and washing down the tables and booths as well as cleaning all the glass.

There’s a lot of places that don’t but Mavericks is a really clean place. Tay’s very OCD about it, especially the windows and even the outsides get cleaned. To fingerprints at the start of the day here.

Actually the girls do all of that while Tay hauls me into the kitchen to start on the prep-work for tomorrows stuff. There’s a lot of stuff to get ready so we can just do things tomorrow. I learn a few new things, really cool things like Tay teaching me how to make pasta from scratch. We even make bread but not just our usual. I had the idea that we could make good sized buns of small loaves of bread just for our sandwiches like really big rolls. We try it and it’s nice and we make a couple of different ones for different sandwiches and even bake up a bread bowl loaf for our soups and chili. Now that I know how to make bread and after I put away my tips ($133.73 for the day 6am-8pm yeah 14hrs shifts.) I mix up some more and dig out spices and butter and raisins and make trays and trays of cinnamon rolls and hot crossed buns and let then proof overnight.

Yeah…I can see myself going to culinary school actually. I like doing this. I like cooking and waiting on people and seeing them love my stuff. I make a small pan of cinnamon rolls and take them hot with a cup of coffee to Taylor as he’s going over what we need and what to order and the books and stuff. There’s like sic really big rolls in the dish and I can’t help but smiles as he bites into the first one bouncing a bit in his chair.

He pulls me over and gives me a buttery, cinnamon sugary kiss. There a huge smile on his face.

“God Jenna these are amazing, I haven’t had one of these in years. My mom used to make them for me. None of the ones after the accident ever tasted right so I stopped eating them. What’d you put in them?”

“The same thing your mom did.”

“What’s, How there wasn’t a recipe?”

I roll my eyes at him.

“We both baked them with love silly.”

“Ohhh.”

Taylor pulls me in for a few more lovely kisses on his lap. Okay if Tay’s dad acted like this when she baked for him, I’m getting why she did. I can’t help but glance at her ring though as the thoughts run through my head. I feel like there’s a kind of connection between us. We both love the same guy. I kiss him back a few times before getting up. “I’m going to go and check everything before going upstairs honey.”

“Mmn, Thanks for the snack Jenna.”

“Love you.”

“Thank you.”

I love that about him, I mean I love lots of things about him. But you always hear from people and S.O.’s that they love you too. Tay…Taylor doesn’t. I know some one’ll say that’s wrong but it isn’t. Taylor tells me he loves me all the time. But when I tell him I love him he thanks me. I don’t know anyone else who does that.

I putter around a few minutes just tidying things, putting out a few new bottles of ketchup and Tabasco. I load the coffee for the first pots and set up several others setting the filled filters between cereal bowls. Yeah, that’s it and then I head upstairs pausing into peek at Taylor. The pan is empty, he ate all six cinnamon rolls. I smile at the feeling that he ate all of my rolls. I love that he liked them.

I slip up and into our apartment and head to the bathroom and use certain things to uhm clean myself (Blush) and do my regular things before running myself a really hot bath with rose oil in it and I even light myself a few scented candles and put my Dido downloads to playing as I relax. I like her music, I like her voice. I’m in there soaking for awhile before I start using the Nair gel I’ve bought. It’s a lot more gentle and I take my time and clean myself of my body hair even down below.

I lotion up all over and a bit of powder here and there and I slip into a sexy pair of panties and listen to music on our bed topless and actually playing with a few sketch ideas. I think we should get a uniform for the diner. Already an ex-sporty I’m drawing out a button up baseball styled jersey I’m thinking a logo on the right breast pocket and the staff member’s name in big brick like looking letters. Maybe black with pinstripes? It’d be hard to stain. We could do a black tool belt like carpenters use but made of cloth. I’m sketching still when Taylor comes into the bedroom after he’s showered. I set aside my drawings and pull him into bed by his boxers before pulling them down and helping myself to a “nightcap.” I’ve been aroused and wanting him in different ways all day and part of it was getting some resolution about myself as Jaimes being Jenna and me being one person not two. It’s let something loose in me. But tonight, It’s been building, feeling loved, and relaxed and silky smooth and smelling pretty and in just an pair of sexy nylon and lace panties with being topless…I feel pretty and sexy and loved so this is something I’m wanting and craving and Taylor smells so good, like such a guy…I love him but there’s times I filled by my lust of him. I might be Trans but I’m still a teenaged girl.

Then I’m on top, then on the bottom, then in the front…you can guess where this went. By the time we’re done we’re both panting and sweating and smiling and laughing together. We kiss for awhile and curl up spooning together as we drift off to sleep.

Morning comes early with Taylor waking me up with his morning “Good cheer.” I never had really woke up like that but him kissing my neck, and pushed up against me, hugging me and playing with my girls and I’m right there with him, turned on like my skin’s on fire. It doesn’t take long before I’m on my back and Taylor’s inside of me. I’m moved to crying these good tears as he’s making feel so good so complete, my legs around him like they’re supposed to be. His mouth on my breasts then kissing me. His touch all over my body helping me get there. And I do, twice and each is loud and I make sounds and cries that no “Male” could. Tay, Tay is very, very male like an animal at times, my animal, I’m taming him. I really, really am so much in love with him. I love the loving but feral way he looks down at me after he’s gotten there and his long hair messy and wild and sweaty, his face made even more manly and raw by his stubble. He passionately kisses me and the way he looks has me kissing in desperation, breaking the kisses me biting on his lower lip. “Tay..”

“Yeah…Jen..”

“Again..?”

We do it again, twice more.

I end up paying for it a little with the most profound and perfect soreness. We rush around and shower because we’re late to get started and even this is good as we dance and dodge around each other doing our morning routines. I take my meds and my vitamins and while Tay’s gone on ahead I get “clean” I though at one point that this would freak me out but even after surgery I’ll still be doing this so it’s I guess going to be a good habit to have.

I get dressed into a pair of black Capri’s and a button up pink short sleeved top and my ballet shoe like sneakers. You pull them on and they look like low cut sneakers but have these gel-elastic laces. I wear my lace under things because I love the way it makes me feel and with a smile I spike my hair and put on a touch of make up. I nearly leave to go downstairs when I stop and strip the bed gingerly, wow; we made a mess. I toss everything in the wash and go down and start helping out.

I’m in that good a mood I’m dancing as I wait tables and take orders. We’ve kept ahead of the coffee use, and the sandwich rolls are being well received and saving us a lot of time. We even made a new one up on the fly and it’s just corn beef hash off the grill in a bun with mustard and coleslaw. Everything is going great and Tay’s in a good mood and my hot crossed bus and cinnamon rolls are selling out. It doesn’t help Tay’s eating them too as he cooks, and bragging them up as something that I baked. I’m asked four times if I can have a dozen ready by supper rush for them to take home. I get this ogm-yay-squee feeling at watching customers biting into my cinnamon rolls and have their own foodgasms as they have that while having their morning coffee. It’s the cinnamon rolls that are selling really well. We run out because so many people want to take one to go after having one or two while having breakfast. My hot crossed buns were a replacement for them but they weren’t as popular. Taylor slips in behind me and kisses my neck in public and holds me with his arms around my waist the rocks me a little bit. “You are awesome you know that right?” He tells me.

“I am?”

“Yeah, Jenna…you’re the most amazing girl in the world.”

“Mmm, tell me more.”

He tells me more as he romances me at work and there’s a lot of comments ranging from eyes being rolled at our PDA’s, a few looks like that’s so sweet and of course those comments from the old guys of “Hey! Winters! Get yer hands offa our girl.” I love that affirmation. I don’t feel it in me to go to that I’m not really a girl place, not after the way the last few days have been. Instead I proudly hold up my hand with the engagement ring and beam at them. “Sorry guy’s I’m taken.” This leads to a few questions from the people who didn’t hear the first time around especially from some of the office girls that’ve been coming in from the various offices and places around here. I gush about it. The way he asked me, the fact it’s his mothers ring. The fact that he was so respectful to my family in asking them. Holly and Nin get in on the act and we really get to see Taylor get embarrassed and blush a lot and look actually bashful about it. Yeah he’s such a tough guy with all his checkered past and everything blushing like a boy from junior high talking to a girl for the first time. He’s so adorable I could just eat him up.

Of course I’m so in love with him and so…It’s…He’s looks like that so adorable and handsome and not afraid to love me the thought sticks in my head and I haul him back to the storeroom at the first big slowdown and literally fulfill my little dirty fantasy. I know there’s those who are going eewww, but to me this is an act of love. And I enjoy it. I like receiving it as Jaimes but now…yes, yes, yes, it’s far better to give than receive.

The middle of the day goes fast and pretty much like normal. Dad shows up smiling and kissing me. I get my “Hey baby girl.’ from him as he orders stuff to go. Wedding soup and chicken salad and a corned beef on our new rolls. “Dinner for Angie daddy?”

“Yeah, I’m going to bring her some lunch and eat with her.”

“That’s awesome daddy, really nice and romantic.”

“Good, I thought so.”

“Can you wait a bit?”

“Yeah sure her breaks not till later anyway. I figured on the rush and then traffic.”

“Just give me a few minutes daddy.”

“Okay, but we need to talk soon.”

“Okay…?”

“It’s about you’re wedding.”

“Okay!”

Alright I’m a bit rushed by just being scared, nervous, and excited. I do notice Taylor talking to dad as I take some of the proofing dough Taylor had made during the slow down and after we got back from the store room. I roll out the bread dough into a big rectangle and slather it with butter mixed with cream cheese two blocks of each blended. Then I sprinkle a lot of cinnamon on it and then mix brown sugar with a little nutmeg and some allspice you just want a tablespoon of each in a kilogram~2.2lbs of brown sugar it’s a hint and most importantly a nice sprinkle of sea salt. The sugar melts with the butter and the cream cheese making this cinnamon caramel when you cook it. The salt is key because the salt sets off the sweet and the caramels like it does with chocolate. I use a pizza cutter and cut then into 3inch wide and 7inch long sections that I roll up and pan on their sides. They’ll swell as I bake them. The icing is just vanilla and butter with icing sugar and cream cheese. As they’re baking off I slip out to the front again and get a coffee and sit by daddy at the counter.

I look at him. “You were talking about my wedding…?”

“Actually yes, Taylor?”

Taylor joins us and kisses me. “I want to get married this week.” he tells me.

“Tthis week?!” I stutter.

“Yes, Jenna we’ve got that appointment to see my oncologist. I want my wife with me there. I want you to have that say you should have.”

“Okay…I mean Yes, I’m going to marry you but where?, how? Are we going to city hall? If we do we need an appointment or something don’t we to see the justice of the peace.”

I know I’m kind of running off at the mouth but I’m nervous and I mean this is a really big deal. Taylor wraps his arms around me. “Jen, Relax, It’s okay honey.”

“Okay? What do you mean okay?”

Dad coughs to interrupt. “I’ve got most of the details worked out already. You know it’s a tradition for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding.”

“No…I didn’t but..” daddy takes my hand. “I’ve already gone and gotten the wedding license for you two. I’ve rented a ranch up in the mountains to have the wedding and reception at.”

“You…you did? Uhm who’s going to uhm marry us?”

“Your grandparents flew home last night and they had some stuff to arrange about selling the house but Mom called me this morning and she said she got reverend Jaye Holland from there to come out here and marry you.”

“She…she…did?, he said he would…oh, …oh does he know about me?”

“Actually she said that she told him and the whole story and he said he was more than happy to come and marry you two. He said the chapel was just lovely when he saw the pictures last night.”

“He will!, He knows and he will!, ….A chapel?”

My daddy smiles at me like…like I’m so loved.

“Yes baby girl. We know that being close to god is important to you so I looked for someplace beautiful and with a chapel we could use so you could have the wedding my little girl should’ve had the chance to dream of.”

I’m instantly in tears and I attack my daddy in a squealing hugs and about a hundred kisses. I kind of…I act my age, I’m a seventeen and a half year old girl who got the best and most…second most exciting news in her life. I’m bouncing like a little girl and overdosing on the happy.

“Jenna, Jenna calm down honey…” Dad tries to chill me out and so does daddy and it’s Holly who hauls me away off to the side and after another three way girly freak-out by me and her and Nin she puts both hands on the sides of my head. “Breathe Jen, breathe, breathe.” I eventually start to get a hold of myself. I start tearing up again and hold her and Njinda’s hands. “Yyy, You’ll be my bridesmaids right?”

They both nod and they’re crying too. But Holly turns me towards my daddy. He looks happy and amused and has been recording this all on his little video recorder. He set’s it aside but where he can still capture us on film. He smiles at me and takes my hands. “Jenna we’ve got the place rented for Sunday I hope that’s okay?”

“God daddy, it’s more than okay!, This is more than I ever expected I’d ever have happen for me.”

“Your Grams wanted me to ask you something.”

“Okay…what, anything?”

“Okay honey, Mom wanted to know if she could stand in as mother of the bride.”

“Oh, oh god yes. I’d love that daddy.” just to be sure though I look over to Taylor. He smiles and says. “She’s more than welcome hon, there’s no one on my side of this except for a few friends but if you want we can see if your dad can spring Natalie.”

“Oh fuck no!” I shout and hit him. “No way, She gave up her rights to being in my life ever again.”

Of course he’s laughing because he though he be smart, but that wasn’t funny so I hit him a few more times before sticking my tongue out at him. He pulls me into a kiss. I hit him twice more and kiss him back while I’m doing it. I look at daddy who’s on his cell phone. He passes it to me. “It’s your Grams.”

“Hi Grams, I love you.”

“I love you too sweetie.”

“Of course you can be the..uhm…my mother of the bride.”

“Jenna honey, I was wondering…”

“Wondering what Grams?”

“Would you wear my wedding dress for your wedding? It’s my mothers and I was going to give it to Katie to carry on the tradition.”

I lose it all over again as I burst into huge tears at this…this huge, amazing, honor and fantasy.

“Yes…Oh..oh..God Grams I’d be sooo honored to wear you dress for my wedding!”

Images

Chapter 17

I’m so happy the rest of the day. Actually blissed out is the right term probably. I’m sure I looked at our/my/our wedding license of 20 or 30 times. I’m sure I was driving everyone nuts too.

I did get the two pans of my cinnamon rolls out and iced for daddy to take with him. “One pan’s for Angie and Hunter and the others for the nurses in the ER who saved my life.” I know, I’ll have to make more because there’s the people in ICU who kept me alive and cared for in my eight day nap and there’s the Oncology dept. that’s helping Taylor and me.

I’m good for about forty minutes after the Suppertime rush slackens off. I’m getting married. I’m not even eighteen yet and I’m going to be married. Okay, I know I talk about a lot about how sweet things are in my life and kind of talk a lot about food and sex and the stuff we do in the bath and these are important to me. The sort of air for my soul and all that.

But I’m right there now on the edge of a panic attack. I’m getting married…I haven’t finished high school…I don’t have my driver license…I’m not even a full girl yet and I’m going to be married and somebody’s wife in 4 days….reality is hitting me over the head right now…4 days…I’ve…I haven’t known Taylor for more than a month? Less than a month actually…I’ve even missed a week, well 8 days of it.

I end up sitting on the back steps bent over my head between my knees trying to breathe. Everything’s hazy and I’m freaking I think…I think I called Dr. Wilson.

“Jenna?…Jenna, can we talk?”

I look up to see Dr. Wilson standing there looking at me. I nod kind of like one of those bobblehead dolls. “M’kay”

“I see things have gotten a bit muddled since we talked two days ago. You want to tell me about it?” as she talks she moves to sit beside me and rub my back.

“Doctor Wilson? I don’t know what to do.” I whine.

“What do you mean?”

“Taylor and I are getting married.”

“You said that before but what’s changed?”

“I’m getting married on Sunday.’

“Wow…That’s fast.”

I do another bobble headed nod. “I’m not even eighteen yet.”

“That’s young.”

Bobble headed nod.

“My Grams is all the way back on PEI. She’s letting me wear her wedding dress. She was saving it for my Aunt Katey… Her daughter... Who’s dead…Oh and I’m her doppelganger.”

“Ooooh, ouch that’s kind of cool and messed up all at the same time.”

Bobble headed nod.

“I’m engaged to a guy, and I used to be a guy.”

Okay I hear her laughing softly at that. “Jenna, even at tough and good at football as Jaime was, you were never a guy. The heart you have, the way that your soul speaks to the world. The way you make it react to you. You are a girl, you always have been.”

(sniff, cough.) “Really?”

“Yes really and that’s a professional opinion. Now what else?”

“Taylor’s dying or not or might be. There’s some new doctor who wants to talk to Taylor about some new therapy. But Taylor wants me with him and he wants me to have all the legal rights and stuff before then.”

“But that’s a good thing right? I mean you love him don’t you?”

“More than I breathe. But is that normal? I mean to love someone that much, that hard in so little time?”

“That depends on what you call normal. Look at me and Em. She’s smaller, daintier and prettier than I am and yet I don’t consider Em a guy but I’m not a lesbian, never have been, girls aren’t my thing but I love my husband-wife.”

“Okay, I mean I really do love Taylor.”

“Really? As in completely and without reservations.”

I think about it. I mean really sit there and think about it. My mind goes over everything we’ve been through together from how we met, to the few fights, the boring stuff like him doing the stuff in the office and the amount of time he works. I think about all the good times too. There’s a few fresh tears when I think of just how lucky I am. Some people never even get close to the chances that I’ve been given. There’s a part of me…I swear I hear Jaime’s voice saying. ~This is the game making play Jenna, are we going to choke and blow it for us, for Taylor for everyone? Or are we going to do this, take the big risk and really be happy huh?~

I like being happy, I like feeling things, I like being alive.

“Yes…Yes…I love Taylor, I’m not even sure how deep I love him or what love really is but I want to know. I want to find it all out.”

“Then that’s a good thing Jenna.”

“Jaimes helped me figure it out.”

“Jenna you are Jaime.”

I can’t help but smile at that for a change. “Yeah, I guess but it’s more like he had always been me.”

“Does Jaime talk to you a lot?”

“Uhm, No…am I crazy?”

“Crazy?…Yes, everyone’s a little crazy in their own ways. It’s when it gets too intense when we call it insane.”

“So I’m not schizoid?”

“No, it’s actually very normal to have an internal dialog. Trans people often with their other selves either the gendered former self or the gender they feel the need to be. If you never started to transition you might have experienced your Jenna voice as your inner voice.”

“Inner voice?”

“All of us have one, it’s sometimes ourselves, or the single voice most often called your conscience. People with other things going on have different voices, a person with MPD has such trauma that their primary self is more damaged than the other ones for whatever reason and become dominant. Sociopaths don’t have the inner voice or subconscious narrative.”

“I never had it as Jaime.”

“You did but Jenna was so alien to the world Jaime was raised in you pushed these thoughts and feeling deep down and buried them. Unfortunately everything in us is connected and this is why Jaime didn’t really feel anything and was reaching for anything.”

“Yeah, I was a man-whore.”

“No you were really hurting and in search of connection on a deeper level, but you couldn’t so sex has become an obsession.”

“I…I…I’m kinda of worried about that. Taylor and I’ve been having a lot of sex lately.”

“Do you feel things emotionally when you do?”

“Oh, god yes!”

“Well two things. One it’s perfectly healthy you’re young and full of hormones and love. Two you are feeling something while doing this and you’ve been running on empty for so long you need to top off your tank emotionally, learning that this is normal and alright.”

I can’t help but to sigh with relief.

“Thanks for this Doctor.”

“It’s Marley, Jenna I’m only the doctor when I’m wearing my lab coat.”

I lean over and hug her. “Either way, this was above and beyond.”

“Yup, and you guys can compensate me with food.”

“Would I be out of line to ask you and the family to the wedding?”

“Not to me it wouldn’t, I’d like to be there to observe you personally for first hand knowledge of a major life event but also because it’d be a great boost for my own kids. They’ve never been to a wedding before.”

“So, you’ll come?”

“And miss the chance to see Em in a really hot dress?”

We walk arm in arm back inside just chatting about the place. It’s well after dark actually and the girls are cleaning and tearing down and I give her the dime tour of the place. Marley’s lived in the city since she was here going to college but had never really been down here before. I’ve the chance to give her a proper tour with a cup of tea, she doesn’t drink coffee. I send her off with a big box of sweets and some leftovers for her family. I don’t see Taylor anywhere…? I find Holly, actually kind of quickly…just a little panicky, I mean what if…? “Holly where’s Taylor? I don’t see him anywhere, and, and the trucks still here?” She yawns and puts away a few dishes. “He was doing something up on the roof with Davey and Tim while you were taking your break.”

“Oh. Yeah god sorry guys it’s just everything was just coming at me so fast I freaked out a bit.” Holly smiles and looks at me, then puts her towel down to hug me. “Jenna hon, I would be more worried about you if you didn’t freak out a little.” I lean into it and Nin comes over to join us and rub my back. We spend a few minutes doing the tight bonding thing before I head up to the roof. It’s blocked fro the outside? Tim yanks it open a few inches and peers at me. “No, You gotta go downstairs and get ready and here.” He thrusts a garment bag at me, then slams the door in my face. “Whathehell?”

I walk downstairs to the apartment and open the garment bag…inside is this evening gown, it’s beautiful…A black Gilded X Maxi-Gown by Jovani…and all the fittings to go with it, lingerie, shoes…I take it out and hold it against myself in the mirror…How…when…? … “Holly!, Njinda! Help!” They come up the stairs and stare at me. “Look…Isn’t it beautiful…?” They’re both smiling and things kind of take over from there in a blur as they both help me make myself as beautiful as I have ever been. Holly puts my hair into this smooth yet hot kind of Andi Lennox kind of short haired yet extremely sexy style. Nice, very nice make up, like a grown woman would wear on a important night. I’m nervous as Holly goes up to check and comes back to help bring me upstairs. Tim and Davey meet me down at the landing and tell me I look beautiful. I slowly go up the stairs and out onto the roof.

The first thing I see is several post on each corner of the roof. There’s garden lattice nailed all along three of the sides of the roof leaving the side facing the night-time view of the city. There’s tiny little white x-mas lights strung along the top of the lattice and there’s white roses and red roses strung through the lattice everywhere and candles, lots of candles. There’s a fancy Arabic looking carpet leading over the roof and to a table where Taylor has a late supper set out for us.

I hear “Kiss from a rose start playing from speakers I can’t see and Taylor comes up to me and takes my hand to dance with me. He’s wearing a tuxedo…He looks so handsome and I’m blown away and breathless as he danced with me through our song. The music switches to something romantic and classical and we somehow get closer as we slow dance. He leans over and whispers in my ear. “I know that this is fast Jen, I know that there’s just so much that’s on our plates and coming at us right now. I just want you to know that I am head over heels in love with you and I’d be asking you to marry me and be with me forever even if we didn’t have any of our issues going on.” I kiss him before he kisses me. Then he kisses me back, touches my face and it we dance and mostly kiss but waltz with my arms around his neck and his around the small of my back.

We actually kissed and danced until the candles burned away on us and we ate a very romantic meal if cold pasta and a wilty salad. I absolutely didn’t care it was one of the best meals of my life.

By the time we get done eating it’s getting close to dawn and I kiss him. “I love you, and I’d love to be making love right now but by the time we get things cleaned up we’ll be needing to get started. And…I made some promises on some of our orders.” He nods, “Davey said he and Tim would tear this down for us.”

“Mmm, good maybe though we can put something up her full time for us. I’d like to have a little nook or something to relax in and read or something while the laundry is drying.”

“You got it hon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I just never really put a lot of time in the place because of you know…”

“Yeah…” I kiss him and run my fingers through his hair.

Taylor sweeps me off my feet literally and carries me downstairs to our apartment. I love it it’s romantic but we don’t have the time to fool around. I take my time putting my very, very nice things away. Tay’s in the shower, I have things to ask him so I slip into the bathroom.

“Honey?”

“Ya babe.”

“I wanted to know if I can invite a few people?”

“To the wedding?”

“Yes, to the wedding. The thing is uhm some of them are friends like me and they’re really broke and…They kept me sane when the only one I had was their support of me online. They saved my life a couple of times.”

He sticks his head out of the stall hair soaked and looks at me. He’s got this very serious look but there is a smile on his face. “If these people save you, then I owe them. You go ahead and invite them get them up here as fast as you can and I’ll spring for the whole thing. Tickets, hotels, even the salon and shopping.”

“Taylor that’s a lot of money.”

“I’m not going to take it with me. Look Jen I’ve got money, I’m not stinking rich but I inherited the place and it’s been paid for and I’ve had Mom and Dad’s insurance money in the bank and the diner makes a decent living for us. This is our wedding, I can afford it, we can afford it. Besides it’s not going to be something these girls have ever gotten to do right?”

“No, not often or at all. Some of them aren’t out.”

“Well they can be here, Write them a letter saying we need them to consult on the Maverick.”

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“I love you!” I kind of yell it as I run downstairs to the office and fire up the desktop and my laptop. I’m excited and hopeful as I go online to my various friends and tell them everything, everything that’s going on and what Taylor said I’m a little sad because some can’t come, or are too afraid to come but some are coming, some are coming alone and some are bringing family and spouses and kids. I end up with quite a guest list. By that time Taylor gives me a coffee and we talk a bit to them and then once we have the numbers we start to talk to send out tickets. Taylor calls Westjet and gets a hold of a manager and gets the tickets bought and paid for an even couriered out to my friends. He calls the Motel where Dad and Gramps and Grams has been staying for so long and he strikes a deal with the management even waking up the guy. It’s the end of summer and not really our tourist time this is thirty two rooms for five days. He put in all on the same card for the business and I didn’t follow all of it but I do get that it’s a lot of money.

All for me, for my wedding to make it special to me.

Taylor’s really good at this. He does the business thing like a pro, I see him and Dad with Dad doing the lawyer thing as the same type of guys. It’s later than I though by the time everything’s arranged but I’m feeling really good. Later today I’m going to invite a few girls from the club I worked at and Nona as well as Dallas.

I have my third coffee and start cranking out the cinnamon rolls and I make a lot of them and Tay was doing his set up and baking off the bread and the sandwich rolls. I’m in just a t-shirt and sweat pants and was going to head up to shower and change before the morning rush starts.

Taylor comes up and kisses me from behind. I feel him not just press into me but grind against me. “Tay…Tay…we don’t have enough time…” he sucks on my ear and my willpower goes out with that. “Oooh.” I Moan and he’s pulling my shirt and track pants off and kisses me…then lifts me and setting me on the mix table. I get spices and brown sugar and butter on me. I smear some on his face and laugh and Then it just sort of sparks something as we’re taking the sugar and butter with the brown sugar and things in it as we smear it all over out bodies as we…it’s sex, it’s perfect, great sweet and dirty sex. From there to our bathroom and bouncing off our walls, screwing up against the walls.

After a very quick shower and a finish we make it downstairs about fifteen minutes late. Holly looks amused but busy and laughs as we both see the look that Nin is giving us, confused. “Jenna? How is there, the spices for your rolls on de wall?” She’s wiping some of it away then she see’s a buttery print of one of my breasts on the drywall by the stairs.

“Wha..you…how..?” Then she turns and points at the cinnamon roll Cooling on the bread counter. “Are you sure those are safe to eat?’

We wade into the morning chaos laughing, and kissing.

Images

Chapter 18

Thursday morning moves so fast for me and by lunch it’s dad to the rescue again as I’m getting calls from my online friends and family. Some of them are arriving tonight even and god there’s so much to do.

I guess first thing’s first, and I slide up to Taylor just as he’s finishing the last cinnamon roll in the place. I kiss him and lick the icing and cinnamon and sugar off his lips. “We’re getting busier Tay we should hire someone else.”

“We could, any ideas?”

“Billy’s girlfriend Dallas.”

“Okay give her a call, we are going to need her here with all the wedding stuff going on and everything.”

“Yeah, we can’t keep calling in my dad.”

“Sure we can. He’s been interested in the place and he might partner in along with your Gramps.”

“Really?”

“Yeah we’ve been tossing the idea of expanding the place.”

“Adding onto it?”

“No not really, the diner thing works but there’s empty space out back that we’re not using. The place was a bread company, not even a full service bakery when my Uncle bought it. He just built everything around the ovens. We’re thinking of replacing some gear then setting up the storage rooms better then move the kitchen about ten feet back.”

I look over the area, think about out back. “That’ll give us some room about another forty square feet out there any ideas as to what to do with it?”

“I was thinking more booths; a four foot high wall about twenty feet long with four of these small booths with the two seater benches would be great.”

I nod I can see where he’s going with this. “Moving the kitchen back twelve feet would be better Taylor just so we can keep it so everyone can move easily around.”

“Yeah, if we can do that we’d be perfect.”

“Not quite.”

“Okay? What would you do different?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, you’re going to be my wife, this’ll be your business too.”

“The steps for the take out sandwich window.”

“Yeah?”

“We need to be turning them into a patio deck, so the guys can eat out there when it’s hot outside and we can put in another door too.”

“We going to serve outside?”

“Not to start with but if it was busy enough; yeah.”

“What else?”

“I’d make it a covered patio, so the place won’t be useless in the rain.”

“Anything else?”

“Well I’d like to see us have a smoker thing set up for us out back like maybe built onto the building or something so we can do a lot of our own product.”

“Okay, you read my mind with that one. I’ve always wanted a smoker or smokehouse and your gramps knows a lot about it too.”

“He does?”

“He’s got one back home on PEI; apparently he does it as a hobby.”

“That’s cool maybe he could teach me.”

“I’m hoping he can teach both of us and our kids.”

I drop the plate I was drying off. Smash!

“Kids?”

“Yeah, our kids.”

“I…But…I’m…”

“There’s kids out there like I was Jen. Kids out there in the adoptive and foster care systems that might need parents. Biology isn’t all that important right.”

“Yeah…I mean look at Natalie right Tay?”

I nod as I‘m talking, I’m smiling now a little even as the idea takes root in my brain, like I’m still daydreaming….Me…a mom, a mum.

I love kids, even as Jaime I loved kids. Children were something I could care about. Even then they were one of the few things that made me feel. I’m swimming in my sea of woman/girl thoughts as I’m being filled up with this hormonal supercharged feeling…I’m feeling my maternal side for my very first time as a woman. It's wonderful... I’m feeling it so strong right now I ache. It's right then I blissfully realize even if I can’t birth them I want kids, I want my own children. I look over to where Taylor is cleaning up the ceramic from the plate. He knows me. He loves me so much, he knows me that much that he’s thought about us being parents. Which means he really wants to live. Not just wants to but he's planning on it. God just watching him do that, cleaning up the plate. I can see him doing it for one of our kids. He’ll make such a great dad.

God…You there? Thank you for him. Thank you for showing me another way that I can see him. i look at my Taylor and I see love. For me, Taylor is love come to life.

I’m falling in love with Taylor all over again. How can you not when someone knows your heart and soul that much. I go over to him and was going to pull him up into a kiss. Instead he pushes his face into my stomach, nuzzles my navel. Kisses my stomach...I feel that make my heart glow. You know that would’ve depressed me not that long ago. Not anymore, I know and can take this for exactly what it is. This incredibly sweet gesture of his love for me.

“Taylor…I really need you. Take me away and make love to me.” I whisper it and almost sing it to him. He plants his face into my stomach and smells me. “Johnny? I need you guys to take over.” He then picks me up around my waist and carries me away upstairs to our bedroom where we make long slow lovemaking in the middle of the afternoon. With the sunshine spilling in over my body through the windows as we kiss and touch with our favorite love songs playing in the background. Taylor does surprise me not just by the fact that he’s good with touching me "there". But he takes me into his mouth. I should freak out, I should hate it and feel ashamed but after he pulls a climax from me that I arched so badly I think I might have cracked my spine he says. “I love you Jenna, every part of you, in everyway. I just couldn’t wait until after your op. I’ve been down here with every other girl that I’ve been with. I want to do this for you after your op too. But you’re not just like everyone of them Jen…you’re better; because you love me…and that’s all that will ever matter to me. It’s never been about what you are, it never will be.” He kisses my pelvis, then my abs “You’re my Jenna.” Then on my lips. “My sweet Jenna.” We share a passionate kiss. He’s touching me all over with his finger tips. He breathes “I love you into my ear.” I bite nibble on his ear and whisper to him. “I know.”

I cry because I’m happy, I’m loved and cherished and it feels like there’s been another wall inside that’s been torn down.

Our lovemaking is incredible and slow and intense. There’s one point that just took it somewhere wonderful. Taylor turned up our songs and got my cocoa butter lotion. He slid back inside of me and he warmed the lotion while massaging me his hands caressing me as he moved inside and out of me up and down my back. It lasted…amazingly long…There’s his hands stroking me "there" making me cry out. His lotioned hands on my breasts massaging me off to the second breast induced orgasm of my life. But it’s the massage and the regular sex that took me there. I didn’t even get “there” in my favorite part. It was him making such slow and beautiful love to me and Sarah McLaughlin singing over our stereo with Taylor singing with her as he was making love to me with his voice.

“Your love is better than ice cream.”

“Better than everything else that I’ve tried.”

“And you’re your love is better than ice cream.”

“Everyone here knows how to fight.”

“And it’s a long way down.”

“A long way down.”

“A long way down to the place.”

“Where we started from.”

“Your love is better than chocolate.”

“Better than anything else that I’ve tried.”

“Oh love is better than chocolate.”

“Everyone here knows how to cry…”

“It’s a long way down.”

“It’s a long way down.”

“It’s a long way down to the place.”

“Where we started from…”

It’s one of my favorite songs in the whole world but now…Taylor sang along with it not losing his breath, or the rhythm of his hands and himself moving in and out of me. He was taking me to this so soulful place like lovemaking was prayer…He sounds a lot like Jon Bon Jovi when he sings to me.

I just lived in this pure moment my head cradled into my arms and resting on my pillow bathed in his love and the sunshine. I cried, but these were tears of joy and love straight from my soul.

My name is Jenna Powers and I have no doubt of who I am now. And you know. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Jenna Winters.

We sleep for awhile and then shower together. Kissing and touching and we brush our teeth and it’s the little things. Stupidly good things like him putting lotion on me and powdering my back, me kissing him and smelling his skin and putting on his deodorant under his arms. He wears Old Spice, which I love and yeah, like I said these are stupid little things right? Who loves stuff like this, this much?

I do. I really, really do.

All those little things we do, that people do in their relationships. I really believe…

These are the unspoken words in the love songs of our lives.

We manage to get downstairs with just about and hour before the supper rush comes in. It’s the usual fare and I had just enough time to throw a couple of batches of my cinnamon rolls and I try a new one for in house.

Apple cinnamon pizza.

It’s a pizza skin that I bake off the once it’s done I brush it with butter then toss the whole thing in the spice mix like a doughnut then I top it with apple pie filling with those Kraft caramel squares. The filling bakes down into like a jam, the caramels melt and I just drizzle the icing over it after it’s been sliced.

As soon as the first one came out I couldn’t keep up with the orders. From 5:40 to 7:15 or so PM I made 23 of the things. Yeah I had help but still it’s like close to one every six minutes. Dad even took a bunch afterwards with him to the hospital as a treat.

I write it and a few other ideas down into my book as we close things down and clean up. Taylor’s really affectionate while we do it and he reads a few of the things I've thought up. He also looks through the few things I’ve thought of and drawn out that aren't food including the uniform ideas. He’s holding me kissing and nuzzling my neck and stuff. “I like the jersey and the work belt idea Jen, we can do like T-shirts for the staff in the summer too.”

“You really like them?”

“Yeah it’ll give us a nice touch of we’re serious but be really relaxed at the same time.”

“That’s what I was thinking.”

“I’m going to go and do up the books and stuff, Holly and Nin are going to do laundry so once the pays are done. How’s us going out on a date sound?”

“It sounds great Tay, where?”

“Movies, then maybe we can go out dancing?”

“Dancing! I’d like that I haven’t…”

“What’s wrong? You sounded excited but then?”

“I haven’t gone out to dance since I was just becoming me and was hanging out with Ingrid.”

“So…you don’t want to go?”

“Hell yes I want to go, I’m more me than I’ve ever been Tay, I’m not going to let what Ingrid did to run my life. I know I’m a pretty decent person and if she wanted to throw away our friendship… (Sniffle.)…I still want to go.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, Besides I don’t want to miss out on a chance to have another date with you.”

“Mmmn, good.” He leans down and kisses me long and sweet on the lips.

It doesn’t take me too long before I realize that we’ve got four of my friends arriving in from a Midwestern flight tonight at around midnight. Its eight now, well twenty five after.

I slip up ti the office. “Taylor?”

“Hmm?” he’s got his head behind the computer and the books.

“Alice, Jenny, Hope and Kendal should be arriving tonight around midnight. Can we take a rain check on the dancing?”

“You still want to go out and see the movie?”

“Yeah but could we swing by the airport afterwards to meet them?”

“Yeah.” He closed the books and saves his stuff. “You take these to the girls and if we hurry we can get into a nine o’clock show and be out with lots of time to drive out to the airport to get them all set up.”

I go and take the envelopes and mine and give then to the girls. Mine’s a bit light but I haven’t been putting the hours in. Still with the tips I did tonight. Thursdays are pay nights for a lot of people around here. I made a killing in tips around $138 dollars tonight.

It’s a pretty good job. A lot of our clients are really well paid workers like in warehouses and shipping offices and of course the bulk of it is the railway and rail yard employees.

Taylor pays in cash after Thursday night close every week. It saves the girls needing to waste time at the banks. And from what the girls tell me it’s easier to keep ahead of your bills. Dad said the government really frowns on that because there’s less tax money taken off each paycheck. But with his condition he’s got special consideration.

With the girls paid I run upstairs to get changed. I take a quick shower, use my Nair just to be extra spiffy for Tay and the girls and clean up getting some lotion and powder and some Secret spray on for deodorant and get dressed.A Light, light pink nylon and lace bra and panties with the matching slip and a similar colored light cashmere sweater dress that’s a good four inches above my knees. A white belt and a nice pair of white flats. I still wish my hair was longer but I do with it what I can. I put in my pink/rose quartz studs and my little gold heart earrings. I’ve got two holes in each ear, I put on some bangles and I’m ready. I grab my purse and go down to meet Taylor.

I love this dress with that combination of thin tight sweater and short skirt. It really looks great on me and I feel really girly in it. This of course is boosted to me glowing in feminine happiness when Taylor sees me and I see the reaction on his face. That mixture of light in his eyes as he looks at me and the look of wonder on his face as well as the lustful way his gaze roams over my body...

We end up going out to see a movie. I know it might sound lame but we went and seen the cartoon movie “Despicable Me.” it’s a kids movie but still kind of savvy enough that I got a kick out of it. We ate caramel corn and goofed off and we actually had a good time. Actually a great time this wasn’t like the last time I had gone out with Taylor where we were being all dressed up this was me being comfortable, feeling better than I ever have before. I just got to be the teenaged girl out on a regular date with her guy just like everyone else here. I missed out on this.

As we’re leaving I see Ingrid on the arm of one of the guys who I went to school with. He doesn't recognize me. She looks at me doing another double-take to make sure it was me. I smile at her a little as we go passed. “Hi Ingrid.”

“Uhm hi Jenna.”

“Have a fun evening.”

I give her that cutesy finger wave good bye making sure she’s got a chance at seeing my engagement ring. Tay, right on cue slips his arm around my waist and kisses me and I return the favor.

We keep kissing actually all the way out to the truck and head to the airport. He stops and gets me a hot chocolate at a Tims in a mini mall and when I get out of the ladies room he’s walking out of the Laundromat next door with the back seat blankets we had bought while shopping awhile back.

It’s really nice driving out at the airport leaning on Taylor while wrapped in a fuzzy warm blanket sipping hot chocolate as we listen to the local radio station. I’m sleepy but excited too as we get there just a little late their flight is of course delayed and it’s 1:09AM when I see the girls and run up to them and squee while we meet. It’s toned down until we get going, they’re all shy. They compliment me on how lovely I look and said I’m lucky to be so passable. Taylor stops at this place I don’t know? I look at him. “How would you girls like to go and get out of those disguises and into your real clothes?” They’re looking at me. I’m looking at Taylor and that sweetheart Davey opens the door. He’s in these men’s black silk sports pants and he walks over to my door. I open it and give him a hug. “Are you sure Davey?” He smiles which is a lovely thing to see where usually he’s such a nice but kinda of shy and quiet boy. “I’m sure, I’d be honored if you ladies would accept my hospitality.” I’m so frigging proud of him. He turns to open the doors and I see these horrible scars on his back…

It takes a minute for me to get going after that. I look to Tay and he gives me I’ll tell you later look. Yeah…we have looks. When did that happen?

He and Taylor go well above and beyond the call of duty with opening doors and getting the bags as Davey opens his trailer to us so the girls can get en femme and be themselves.

It’s a nice, really nice trailer considering Davey builds houses with Tim i shouldn't be surprised. There’s this oriental theme to the place. He’s got homemade rice paper walls and stuff built to replace the paneling and it looks like a kind of cabin in Japan mixed very strongly with Native American designs and art as well. It’s a mixture that is a really mystical-hip design. Totem masks and soapstone carvings all with a few bonsai trees and fish tanks and stuff like that. I wonder if Njinda has been here yet? She hasn’t mentioned those scars either but with her experiences in Somalia she might not.

The girls are beside themselves with how generous he’s being. Davey just says. “It’s not a big thing really. Jenna is family and she loves you girls, it’s what anyone would’ve done.” He blushes because he still is Davey and the girls hug him before getting to use the master suite and its bathroom. Hope kisses him on his cheek. “Yes it is a big thing, we sometime go too long with out any human kindness.” He’s a little busy with that so I slip Tay aside.

“What the hell happened to Davey? Who did that to his back?”

Taylor starts making tea. He has been here before for sure. He leans back resting his palms on the counter. “His dad did it.”

“His dad?”

“Yeah, Davey’s mom married a guy from Japan. Davey takes after her so that’s why he looks more white than Asian. His dad was a son of a bitch that liked to hit women and she left him when Davey was seven. He got remarried to one of the girls he had on the side during his first marriage and had another kid; Sasha, Davey’s little sister. His second wife died in a car wreck and Davey’s mom still in love with the asshole took him back. He claimed he'd he had changed and she invited him here and they got married again. Then a couple of years back Davey hears his old man trying to get into the pants of his little sister. Davey and he fought and he beats Davey really badly and then angry he takes the chain off the power saw in the garage.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ!”

“Any way he went inside pissed with that chain intending to do who knows what to her with it. And Davey climbed up the trellis with three broken ribs and got in his way. He blocked the door to Sasha’s room. This really pissed his dad off and he started to beat, to whip Davey with the chain cutting his back to ribbons.”

“And where was his mom during all of this?”

“Working, she was an LPN for some old folk’s home.”

"So what happened to his dad?”

“Dead.”

“How?”

“Sasha, she freaked out at how badly her dad hurt him and she jumped him and stabbed him a lot with her nail file.”

“How much is a lot.”

“Dunno it’s in a sealed report because she was a minor. But Davey said he though she stabbed him for twenty minutes.”

“He must have been hurting her long before that happened then. That’s a lot of suppressed rage.”

“She’s still in a care home.”

“Is Davey okay?”

“Yeah, about as well as he can be right?”

The girls are really happy and really grateful to Davey that he did such a gesture. They’re a lot more open but at the same time a lot more scared and nervous too. Even this late at night it’s scary for so many of us. Davey does get four very big hugs from the girls and kissed on the cheek.

We all fit ourselves into Taylor’s truck I’m squeezed next to him and Alice is beside me and the others fit into the backseat and Taylor puts all their luggage into the rear of the truck, then takes out the other warmed blanket and he puts it over the legs of the girls in the back while Alice and I share mine. They are a little shy with him yet gush at the same time and we start talking about my up and coming wedding with the five of us more that likely bugging the heck out of Tay. As we talk and giggle and squee and act like the young teenage girls none of us ever got to be.

It’s twelve after three in the morning by the time we got them to the motel and into their rooms and…wow. Dad had been through here knowing the rooms and who was where had left for the girls a nice spa basket from Clinique, their own towels and bathrobes from Martha Stewart and there was a box of expensive candies and a note done up like a personalized wedding invitation thanking them for coming on such short notice to share in the happiness of my and tailors wedding.

My Daddy is freaking awesome! I cried as much as they did.

Kendal doesn’t really pass with a brown haired wig and she’s got a bit of a too heavy beard and looks a bit like an ex-jock. There’s a prettiness I see that can so be brought out. Alice looks a bit Goth and a red head so really fair skinned but still kind of boy/guy boney. Jenny is a black-girl and has been transitioning so she looks off but doesn’t quite pull it off yet. She needs voice work and her hair is too short but other wise kind of wow. She’s got smaller breast than mine too but I’d love to have hips like that and definitely more in my bottom. Tay loves it but to me my ass is boney. Holly is more in Kendal’s camp of things but shorted and has been fighting her weight and a lot of her clothes make her look dated, older than she should look.

Kendal’s holding her basket and the invitation and is bawling. “I…I…No one has ever done anything like this for me before…” She explodes into sobs that gets all of us going for awhile. We have a tearful goodnight and tell them to call us when they want to come over to our place. Taylor’s closing it tomorrow and we’re not going to be open again until Tuesday. We’re going to use it to get stuff ready for the girls and stuff for the wedding and as our central point of gathering.

They say they’ll be up for a few more hours and they won’t call too early so we can all sleep in.

Its five ten in the morning when Taylor and I hit our sheets both of us too tired to make love. He does pull me up against him and spoons with me his arms around me and I hear him softly singing to me as I drift of to sleep.

“Your love is better than ice cream.”

“Better than anything else that I’ve tried.”

“Your love is better than ice cream.”

“Your love has taught me to fly…”

Images

Chapter 19

I wake up and it’s mid morning and I’m feeling sleepy and lazy and really, really good as Taylor’s arms are circled around me. I love these moments, just feeling that. I almost bathe in that really femmy vibe I feel. His arm on top of me is resting in that girly spot; You know that thin spot at my waist just above my hips. I love having that spot, I love having wider hips now.
No they're not the same as a GG’s are but I was lucky and started my hormones before I got too far along as a boy. My last growth spurts were as female as my hormones would let me.

I love the way Tay’s fingers are absently playing with my belly button. I lay there just kind of basking in contentment and feeling Taylor getting harder as his morning man rush happens. I love that too. I know most guys get a morning stiffy. Hell I used to…oh, am but it’s my breasts that are reacting…It’s got to be the hormones in me mixing with Tay’s pheromones because I’m rapidly getting turned on.

Before Taylor I was in transition, Hell I was working as a waitress in a strip bars with other T-girls and you’d think I’d have been sexual there in that kind of environment. Nope I was like a nun. I was practically asexual.

Now it’s like I need him inside of me, a lot. There’s people out there that say Eewww and gross and lots of stuff I thought too. I though it was gay sex too, and dirty. It can be dirty, but you can get into a routine. You can keep quite clean, there and after awhile you can train your body to a schedule…enough of the technical stuff. Let’s just say that I keep stuff near to hand for before and after.

But the first thing I want is a tasted of Taylor made caviar. I carefully roll over because I really love doing this for him, to him, for me when he’s asleep. As few careful hand strokes and he’s ready and he’s in my mouth. He was a huge challenge and learning this for me was for me at least a big part of my feminine psyche. I know it’s a thing from a whole other generation for some. For me, oral sex was common. Jaime got blown by girls at school two or three times a day. I know there’s other stuff there for them but to me, as Jenna through that and porn and fiction this was a very female sexual thing to do. And even though it’s kind of slutty I really get a charge right into my girl-ego.

This gets me almost high from adrenaline and endorphins as My efforts make Taylor mine. I love the sounds he can’t help but make. I love the involuntary way he writhes on the bed and calls out my name, them cries out my name as he cums. I’ve only had him but I love doing this…Like chugging beer and stuff I learned to be Jaime I just relax my throat and my jaw as best as I’m able and then my lips close around his shaft in almost a kiss at his pubic bone. I swallow but I can’t not blocked by his flesh but it makes my throat contract around him. I do that and at the height of my swallow when my throat muscles are closed around him I pull my head back a little, kind of not unlike a milking machine. He feels the muscles; he’s deeper than any GG’s ever done him. (He told me that.) And there’s a bit of real suction being created. I do all of that and play with his balls and as he’s reaching the point of no return I rub his Vas deference space just behind his balls with my hand but mostly my thumb.

Taylor yelling my name hips off of the bed, humping at my face involuntarily shaking as He cums so hard he collapses back down on top the bed. I keep sucking him lightly because I know, you leak out afterwards for a bit, there’s some left in the pipes. I keep doing that and playing with his balls and rubbing him there and he get’s hard again. This is where I look up his body and see the passion and wonder and love there.

This morning I see tears in his eyes as he watches me stares at me. I love Taylor’s look in the morning, those eyes, his hair a mess and the look of love and bliss. I feel so fulfilled in my real gender right now, I feel loved…and that makes the difference.

It’s not just oral sex for us or at least for me. I make love to his cock and to him like this and look up at him, return that look of love. And I left loose with all of it. My adoration of him, all those crush feeling and I’m not holding stuff back to be “cool” like some people do. I ride that wave of feelings no matter how clingy they seem. I use it all to become his devoted eager oral sex slave girl.
It has to be real, it has to or they’ll know the difference. I worship his cock and him. I lower my head to the east for him and as much as that let’s me get to this space to feel like that it fulfills this thing in his male psyche, feeds this dominance thing most guys, even the nicest guys have but don’t ever get to feel or experience.
It’s not BDSM it never will be. I hate those games. This is me expressing my faith. I still think that. We’re made in god’s image, his children and part of him. Loving Taylor can be just like prayer for me. It makes a huge difference in our love lives. I the way he touches me, kisses me, enters me there is a reverence in him for me. I have to return the favor, that expression of love.
I know this is all kind of too descriptive for some, too much me being a sub to him for some. But it’s not like that, it’s more than that and my intimate beliefs are as much a part of me as my faith or being a girl. It’s part of my story I need to tell.

By this time my hormones are raging through me and my body is screaming for him. For his strength and his manliness I’m boiling and my insides are aching for him to be inside of me. And when he does it still hurts at first. But it’s such a good hurt. It stretches me wide open and it’s the best damned massage ever, it’s getting touched deeper than ever and there’s his body heat radiating through me.
I’m on top and we start. I’m so hot that It doesn’t take me long before I’m really making love to him, up and down, sliding, slamming, pistoning in and out of me…Taking me and I’m kind of fulfilled by that. The way his force hammering me makes my breasts bounce and jiggle each time such a little thing most GG’s would take for granted reinforcing my femme soul. I drift into that haze of lust and crying out and His hand reaches down and Taylor strokes me to an orgasm that nearly stops my heart.

Him touching me is a recent thing, It’s something I had to adjust to more than him because to me that was Jaimes. But I’m learning that I was Jaimes, or rather that Jaimes was me hiding, the only way my mind could handle me being who I really was where I was at in life. So Taylor isn’t touching Jaimes, he’s touching me. It’s going to be a different part of me. My outtie is going to be an innie but it’s going to be more or less the same stuff. I’m working through my hang-ups by making love and letting Tay love all of me.
So I can love all of me and let the genetic stuff go.

It’s Marley’s advice, my friend, and my shrink. She calls it positive reinforcement.
My orgasms are amazing no sooner than I’m shooting off in his hands I’m cascaded with heat, warmth, love, energy as I feel a whole other wave of intense pleasure wash through me. I see lights in my eyes, stars some would say. A male orgasm is this incredible focused explosion. A female orgasm to me are this implosion like all this pleasure my body feels just builds and builds and builds until there’s no more roof for those feeling and we get off like a compression engine.
I think that’s why we women are so emotional and emotionally tied to sex. Most pleasure comes from the brain and from our feelings…we can get off from the simplest stuff sometimes or just shut down if our feelings are hurt.

And there are some mornings I really just think about things too much.

It’s a solid hour of really great sex and he’s holding me and kissing me with the blankets around us all the way to the shower. It’s all great there we always have fun in the shower even if it’s just us getting cleaned up.

Then it’s the usual getting ready. He likes to make fun of the fact that I have to have close up toothpaste. To Taylor toothpaste is toothpaste it’s not. Yes it’s a bit OCD of me but I’m full of little quirks. Like I have to put my right foot into anything first. I have to, it’s the right way.

Sorry, like I said at the start of my story. I’m weird.

We get downstairs and Daddy is there with Nin and Holly and Angie and Hunter but the place is closed up until Tuesday. He’s making pancakes on the flat-top and I honestly know really few things as good as pancakes from your Dad in the morning. I know I’m all over the place in what I call him but he’s been out of my life for most of my life so when I call him Daddy I’m making up for lost time with him.

We talk and we eat and it’s not all that long before the phone starts to ring and it’s the girls from the motel and I grab my coat and Daddy has a mini-van rented for us and Taylor has his truck and we go to collect the girls. A very happy and bouncy Hunter came with us. I love her; the girls loved her too as Hunter is Trans and really young, I don’t know how she’s been doing it but hunter in her jumper and pig tails is every bit the twelve year old girl in the midst of a wedding getting planned and organized she’s so happy, bouncing and all over the place and really friendly and huggy to all the girls.

I’m a tiny bit jealous at how close she seems to my Dad. I’ve been seeing her and her mom Angie seeing a lot of him lately and I know my dad’s a great guy, but it’s I guess she’s getting his attention younger than I did. I know it’s kinda a shitty thing to think. Hunter doesn’t have a dad that’s worth anything as a human being and she’s a lot younger than I am. Losing her dad and everything has to hurt worse. I’m not mad about it just happy-envy? I want Dad to be there for her but at the same time I wish he was there for me at her age. But she really nearly brought me to crying when she hugs me and calls me her big sis, and the way she hugs me with so much love. And most of all, she looks up at me with that look that Jaimes used to get from the kids in the peewee football league. I really never though I’d get that look as me, as Jenna.

The girls absolutely love my Dad. It doesn’t matter at all how they look like or dress or sound or come acrossed he treats them like a gallant gentleman. I’m happy and chatty and really kind of puffed up between my guys and my friends and my life…I reign it in a bit. I make sure that I left Dad, Tay and everyone knows I know how lucky I am compared to some.

I know despite the things I’m going through and have gone through I’m so lucky compared to some of the girls. It kind of takes the rest of the day pretty much as we drive a whole lot out to the airport and out to the motel and the diner to and fro. Hunter is with us the entire time. Some of the other girls come with us to meet their incoming sisters with me at the arrival gates.

There’s a lot of tears and hugs and squeals as we meet and it’s six thirty at night when we’re all together and there’s close to forty of us all together once Marley arrives with Em and the kids. We pack the diner and we get together with this really big meal My Grams is there as well as my Gramps and we all have this really big supper together and talk and get to really know each other and the guys wait on all of us…Gramps, Daddy, Taylor, Tim, Davey, and even Billy has shown up too along with two other guys by the names of Josh and Erik who do that street thing with Taylor and say they’re going to be around to keep the slack jaws away from giving us a hard time.

Tay knows some pretty ace guys really and it’s really cool for so many of us that they don’t have a problem with us T-girls.

Josh lets it out that he and friends do a rocky horror picture tribute every year and his sister is/was a trans-girl. I tell him to invite her over but with a grin he says she’s on a modeling shoot in New Guinea.

Erik just shrugs and says. “It’s not like you’re asking me to live right?” he’s a really big dude and quiet and very scary looking with all his tattoo’s until you really look at a few of them. He’s a cook that Taylor used to work with. I love the fact he’s got a tattoo of a wedge of lemon pie on his inside right forearm.

Grams kicks the guys out sending them out on their errands? And we’re all talking right up until she come’s from the back to the front of the diner carrying this box. Its about ten inches high and three feet long two feet wide really ungainly box covered in white but faded silk and it’s embroidered and fitted with ribbons and old lace and is really old and beautiful. It’s the box with Grams’s wedding dress in it. I know it and the girls all know it as a hush falls over the entire room.

Grams comes out the rest of the way and set’s it on one of the tables then hugs me. “Oh Jenna, I had spent nearly twenty years thinking there wouldn’t ever be a girl in my family to wear this sweetheart. When I came out here and met you and seen that my grandchild was such a sweet beautiful young lady…I cried for three days when I seen you there in that hospital bed looking so much like my Katie had somehow come back to us. Since then I’ve gotten to know you more and more and fallen deeper and deeper in love with the amazing girl my grand-daughter has become, I’m so proud you want to wear this dress…that I get to pass this down to you.”

She’s crying, I’m crying all the girls are crying it’s this wedding sweet family happy pure girl moment that we’re all having and making. There’s a lot of things about all of the stuff for my wedding that I love. But the look on some of the faces of my net-girls who’ve been so starved and deprived of being themselves…I see so many blossoming souls all around me.

God…Thank you.

Then she takes out the dress…it’s absolutely amazing looking. It’s simple but so not at the same time with the top half and bodice of white linen all embroidered with white satin roses and doves where you’d expect a corset to be. The bodice is low and cup cut with a rose embroidery border to it and there are no sleeves to it but more of the same embroidery edging shoulder straps made of lace. The skirt is full and long and cut to trail just a bit like a dress from a renaissance fair and is satin but with full length panels of alternating white velvet, and lace and taffeta. It’s beaded with pearl like bits and accents and even the buttons are oyster shell.

Oh god it’s simple and lovely yet complicated and gorgeous…It’s been in my family for generations and my hands are shaking just holding it. It’s heavier than I though too, there’s a built in corset under that embroidery and the cup bodice is designed to accentuate and lift.

I’m soon the center of attention as I’m stripped and up on a wooden crate as I’m modeling the dress, my wedding dress and Grams and Njinda’s mother and several of my girls are busy fitting the dress to me. It takes a few hours and I cry or more like leak tears as we have this amazing time and I find myself just in the wedding whirlwind.

Hunter looks up at me several times as does some of Marley’s girls in that whole young girl wedding party wonder look. I can see it in Hunter’s eyes that fire? That need to be a girl, to be complete and stand where I am someday.

Speaking of Marley she’s an absolute wonder as well as her Husband-wife Em. With Hunter and Marley’s girls there accepting my Net-girls and Em and Marley living the way that they do. It gives them things to vent about and talk about and to hope for even in some cases. Marley isn’t the kind of doctor to pass out the cards and tell people to call their office; she talks to everyone as a friend and a guest. She even gets a discussion group going as we’re all doing wedding stuff and getting made over.

Holly and Dallas both worked in the salon trade and Em helps and a few of the really good and passable Net-girls and we have this full on spa thing going on here too. Em is almost as good to them/for them as Marley is but I do get lost in some of the conversations. Em, or Emerson is a guy, he identifies as female but isn’t TG he lives as the stay home husband-wife for Marley and does a lot of stuff on computers and training and working with horses on the side and dogs too. Apparently they in addition to the horses and the rescued or retired horses they have they take in animals of all kinds and the kids as well as have five huskies called Seppalas?

I get lost in the dog, horse, and computer talk its all way over my head. Football, football I get and cooking, I wasn’t into that as Jaime but I’m so into it now and really am thinking of going back to school once I’m fully me and then going to culinary school.

We were having a really good time for hours even. Then I kind of notice a theme of things, were not just getting all girlied up and pretty, but we’re getting dressed up nice to like we’re going out.

The right about at eight PM I see this charter bus pull up to the diner and the guys getting out also nicely dressed up. We quickly get my dress packed away as they all come up the steps inside the diner. Taylor’s in a nice suit with a tight lycra sports shirt. I can’t help but mentally drool over the way it so shows off his abs and his Pecs. I find it oddly funny that Jaimes was a breast man and not two full years later I am a just, no more entranced by my guy.

He comes in smiling and passing out lovely envelopes and single roses to all of the girls with my dad doing it too. “Ladies, if you would all grab your things Johnny and I have arranged a little shopping trip to make up for the rush it’s taken for all of you to come all this way for our wedding.”

There’s murmurs of excitement as there is pre-paid store cards and gift certificates for a lot of places that I’ve never heard of and a few I have. Mostly smaller non-chain stores for women’s clothes and things. We all get into the bus with the guys and Billy, Josh and Erik on their bikes. I sit with Taylor and give him a kiss. “What’s all this about hon?”
“Well your dad and I thought for real that you girls would need to go shopping and stuff for the wedding since we did spring the invites on them and I sprang it on you so we went while you girls were busy and got this all set up.”
“It looks expensive?”
“We split on it plus like I said this is going on my credit cards and some of it from the settlement from my parents life insurance.”
“But that’s still.”
“Jenna…we both know what might happen…”
“Taylor…no…we’re going to beat that, you have so far.”
“So far…and, and I’m not giving up babe I’ve got more than ever to live for but these are you’re friends, family even and if they kept you alive for me when things got really bad before we met then I’m glad I can pay it back.”
I deeply kiss him causing a few sighs. “Taylor Winters you are the best man I have ever met.” Taylor actually blushes and then kisses me back…a few times.

It’s a great time!

We hit about a fifteen stores with the girls having close to seven hundred dollars in gift cards and things as the stores have opened their doors for us as a private wedding group. Dad had gotten the names of these places from Marley and Angie and the LGBT website about being know for being LGBT friendly places.

We buy all these great things at these places and some of these stores and a lot of these places carry things for T-girls of size and yet there’s a lot of big Alberta girls too. We have these great Indie stores that sell jewelry and one makes personal bath stuff and scents right there for you, One place sells nothing but oriental clothes, robes and dresses and we are welcomed with open arms at several places and there are a lot of really happy tears and hugs and excitement plus a lot of the girls in such a state of shock and “You can’t do this.” or “It’s too much, I couldn’t” to some of the girls like Kendal are in that stunned disbelief that there are people in the world who aren’t going to hate them, who will accept them for who they are and they can be who they really are here. It’s like I said before a good thing that Marley is here. It in several places becomes literally retail therapy sessions. Grams and Gramps are absolutely awesome…like flooring so many of them, us at being there and just honestly caring even loving some of us. You know when you hear people talking about being Christian and loving your fellow man? I see heart changing, mountain moving miracles tonight.

There’s a lot of us who will never ever find acceptance from the ones we love. There are some of my girls who’ve seen abuse for just trying to be ourselves. There’s a lot of them with us, a lot of them that are between twenty something and my dad’s age and a bit older…From Grams and Gramps they get something they’ve never gotten before…complete acceptance, even love and support.

I can’t help the tears that form as My Grandparents are that…that amazing they take these amazing girls and hug them and hold them and I hear them give them their phone numbers, e-mail and tell them that while they’re moving here to be closer to us they are welcome to come anytime…that they’ll have a place with them at any time…I hear Gramps tell more than one of them “Hey if he didn’t take the hint they had such a beautiful daughter then he’s the one losing out.” Followed by a “Really?” and him saying. “When ever you want or whenever you need you can call me dad.” Grams is really the same and there are so many of us that need this so much…

They’re actually so awesome, and dad is so awesome I have a meltdown in Claire’s Secret Room where we were buying these really amazing under things. It just hits me in the changing stalls…I start to freak… because of why they are so great, that dad is so great and it comes over me in this wave of anger. Even in my worst most adrenaline moments on the football field I’ve never been that angry…

This…these amazing people…She…My mother…!
Fucking Natalie!
She took me away from this, from them and…
She stole this from me!

I have the very first very big anger filled meltdown of my life. I think I screamed a lot, I broke things…a mirror, I punched some holes in the drywall and I lost it and ended up calming down, crying and bawling in my dad’s arms and being taken care of by him, by my girls some of which are veterans and they get the breakdown, I apparently had a PTSD break. They don’t just calm me through it they had help get me out of it. I’m shaky and freaked and mortified. The owner Claire is so really understanding once she got the full story. She even cried, well bawled as I poured out what happened with me getting raped and beaten with the belt and the buckle and…her trying to light me on fire…I still can smell it and taste the mixed gas/oil mix we used to use for our lawnmower.

I get out of there and it’s and emotional bus ride between places and I and so embarrassed and freaked on the bus I have a crying fit over losing it there and in front of all of them and It’s actually better as Taylor get’s the driver just to cruise around for a bit and he made some calls to let them know we’ll be longer. Which made me guilty, which made me cry more.

My Net-girls are so great, they get it, by and large they get it and some of them have been there and worse…a lot worse…I’m not going to tell those stories but over the night there were stories that came out.

They were there for me that night and we bonded in a way you only get to do in tight quarters and high emotions like there on the bus.

It takes a few more stops before our happy mood starts to bounce back. Taylor comes to our rescue once more between shops with him slipping out and there was him serving these little bites of crab meat on just a bit of potato salad and some pink caviar on top with Meyer lemon martini’s to start and somehow he made these tiramisu shooters in these little paper cups with white chocolate paralysers? To go with them.

I see in bags that he bought everything but put everything together while we were in the store. The bite and the booze gets us unwound and loosened up and we end up going from the shopping spree that still despite everything all excited to this club called Fantastique…, we actually go clubbing as the bunch of girls in this LGBT club that’s just still going strong when we get there and we’re given the VIP section. It’s about ten after midnight when we get there and we have as blast as Taylor throws me and my girls my bachelorette party.

Taylor say’s that he’s gotten in enough trouble in his teens as we dance together a lot. My dad is dancing with Angie and even Grams and Gramps dance, Grams is a girl true to heart and she has fun and adapts to the music pretty well. Gramps id funny and really hopeless with the club music. The fact is he knows it and he makes it work for him. He does dance some of the slow songs with “His” girls that keep getting requested, Taylor and Dad buy rounds for us and the other people there to keep things happy and to welcome people there to our party. We even get to dance together in center dance floor and dance to “Kiss from a Rose.” We kissed a lot and nuzzled he tells me he doesn’t really need a bachelor party or any of that stuff and that what he wants more than that, more than anything is our honeymoon.

Images 20

Chapter 20

The party is great, Taylor and I dance for a couple of hours sometimes fast and sometimes slow and we do a lot of kissing. A lot of kissing. I was not expecting to have a good a time as I had. When I wasn’t dancing with Tay I was dancing with my Net girls and even some of the other club goers. I’ve never really got to do this before, I love it the feeling of freedom, of getting to be sensual with out being sexual and I’m not without a few moves despite not getting to do this as a girl all my life.

Ingrid taught me a lot back when we were friends. I mean we’d dance like two best girlfriends at her place or at mine when I knew it was safe…thought it was safe. I loved those days…I’ll never understand why…I ask the DJ for some harder beats and for awhile I’m really into it, dancing out my pain…

Marley ends up dancing with me. “You’re getting a bit intense out here you okay?”
“Ingrid…”
“Oh, So…”
“So?”
“Are you going to let it out like you did at the store or just let her ruin your night?”
“I…”
Marley leads me over to the bar and get’s us two vodka tonics. “Alright tell me.”
I take a drink, a big one. “It’s kind of just a memory, a good thing that…It was something that she ruined.”
“What did she ruin?”
“This, dancing with friends. She was my best friend…she was my fucking sister! I let her in and told her things that I never told anyone…we used to do this all the time…Ingrid used to say the best way to learn how to move as a girl is to dance like one.”
“Makes sense actually. You move as well as any other girl I know, better even.”
“Yeah well…”
“Well?”
“I wanna know why dammit? We were so close so why did she betray me? We were best friends! I want to know why? What did I ever do to her?”
“I don’t know, but can I ask you something?”
“Okay?”
“What if it was just nothing, nothing you did but her?”
“What?”
“Well why’d you go to Ingrid in the first place, she wasn’t part of your usual crowd was she?”
“No, she was one of those freaky drama kids.”
“Hmm…”
“What?”
“You just kind of snubbed her just now.”
“I did?”
“Yes, you talked like Ingrid being one of those freaky drama kids was a bad thing.”
“When I was still in school it was, they were all the gays and lez and the Emo kids.”
“Yes and if you’re talking like them like this now, after all you’ve been through just how much of an asshole was Jaime.”
“You…You’re supposed to be my friend?”
“No, not all the time you’re my patient.”
“But...But…”
“Jenna, you want to know why, then this might be why. If you treated her this way that you’ve been coming acrossed. Then you might have crossed a line.”
“So this is my fault?”

I’m bawling now, I’m hurt and angry and pissed at her. What if this is all true? What if I’m…What if I’m not the person I thought I was….or am? Or I guess I thought I was.
Marley gives me this sympathetic look, she rubs my arm as I cry and shake and kill my drink, she passes me hers and I down that too.
“God, was I a horrible person Mar? Did I ask for this?”
“No, I’m not saying that or anything close to it. What happened to you was wrong, really fucking wrong. Jenna nobody asks for what they did, or what you’ve been through but face it. Jaimes was a bit of an asshole.”
“An asshole?”
“You used people, you used them for sex and just were onto the next one after that. It’s not your fault entirely, Jaimes was searching for something he could never find but in doing so you…he walked over a lot of people. Jaimes was on this golden boy fast track and I’m sure a lot of girls you were with though she might be the one to be with you, to hook you or change you. Picture if Taylor did that to you.”

I do and the vodka is suddenly not agreeing with me. I run to the bathroom and I’m throwing up and she’s holding my hair and Holly and Nin are there and so are a lot of the others.
“God I am a horrible person.”
“Hardly Jen, Jaimes was messed up, he was a spoiled golden boy, but he was really messed up.”
“But why?”
“Do you want my honest opinion?”
“Yes…”
“She did it on purpose, I’m honestly feeling if she was really your friend there was a lot of things she would have done and she wouldn’t have taken all those pictures.”
“But…but why?”
“Honestly, Jenna revenge, or to hurt Jaimes and to make herself feel better than you. I think she really just wanted to wreck you by outing you though.”
“So…so...I can’t, I can’t put all of this at her feet can I.”
“No, I don’t think so. Ingrid didn’t make your step-father do the things he did or what Natalie did either. I don’t think she was behind the website either.”
“So?”
“So, what she did was really petty but considering Jaimes and her and everything…Jenna, it was bullshit. It was cruel and nasty and a bad fucking thing to do but it was teenaged bullshit and you were both all caught up in it.”
“I was caught up in it?”
“Freaky drama kids?”
“Oh…”

It makes a sort of sense, I’m sitting on the tile floor and in a hot dress my knees together, but legs apart and I must look like hell. Holly and Nin are there with Marley in the stall and the other girls, are in here too.

I keep thinking and reviewing things and Holly, Holly rolls a joint. I’m not a druggie but I’ve had the odd puff or too over my years since becoming Jenna. I had my first taste in the group home. I smoked a few at the club, but I’m still too much of a jock really to get into it too much. I’m sorry if it disappoints people but when I’m offered it I take a few tokes. Then pass it on. It’s kinda amusing and not surprising when I see my doctors take a few well practiced hints too.

I can see it, the calmer I get, I can see it.
Back when I was Jaimes, I did go through girls…like changing underwear.
I was a bit of a shit then, I was James “Iron-man Morgan” football star and I didn’t think I was the shit but I knew it.
I can’t remember, treating Ingrid like shit but…I never really though about her or her crowd at all until I needed her.
We were just kids….I know, I know I’m not even eighteen so yeah I’m still a kid but. You know what I mean. High-school bullshit, mine and hers and…I’ve seen her twice since, and she wasn’t screaming hate at me or foaming at the mouth so…she wasn’t even all coyly bitchy either. She was just there, guarded actually. She’s…hah…both times she seen me she was waiting for me to strike back some how.

I take another toke and get up. “I’m okay…Thanks Marley…I…It’s been a.”
She smiles at me. “It’s been a long night.”
“Yeah, can I have a second? I gotta pee.”
“Yeah sure.”
“Holly?”
“Yeah Jen?”
“You got a cigarette?”
“Yeah.” She passes me one and her lighter.

I know, I know smoking can kill you. And I don’t smoke often, I don’t really like to but drinking, and tonight, and everything else. Once in a very blue moon I’ll want one. It’s more of a once or twice a year thing at most. Don’t worry; I’m not going to turn into a drinking, smoking drug abuser. I’m just normal…barely ever but at the same time, I’m human….

I sit on the toilet and sort of smoke the cigarette and I do have a pee. It’s almost funny that it’s like two or three in the morning at a LGBT friendly nightclub and having just gone through this spur of the moment second burst of intense therapy in one night. I’m smoking a cigarette and quietly praying to god.

Does it matter? I feel it doesn’t. Jesus taught from hillsides and mountains and I imagine the odd campfire or two. I don’t think that the church or any of the stuff that goes with a lot of that really has much to do with god as much as it does the religion. Honestly, God to me doesn’t care who you are, what, you are, or what you wear, or where you live.

It does help.

I feel a feeling of what I should do.

I mean in my head I know it’s what I should be doing anything if only to not let it have so much power over me but…I just couldn’t forgive her, not really, not with the stuff that happened because of what Ingrid did. But, she didn’t do those things or even make these things happen.

With this sigh, I feel something drain away from me…It’s like this weight leaves me as I forgive her and let it go. I smile and drop the half a smoke between my legs into the toilet and pull off some TP and pat myself dry before flushing and getting out of the stall. I’m hug mobbed by the girls and my Net-girls as I come out.

There’s a lot of us in the bathroom, as I’m getting help, getting cleaned up and my teeth brushed and my make up fixed. My story comes out; I can’t help it because they know most of it already from online. But it all get’s rehashed and even as we leave the bathroom and…well we’re pretty much done here at the club and it’s like 4AM in the morning. If anything they’ve been really good at letting us get our/my shit together.

We pile into the bus and Dad actually has a great idea and gets us over to Denny’s for pancakes and waffles and stuff…Like all big things in the lives of women we’re talking about what happened in the club and what it means, how it feels and talking out our war stories some more and getting out some of the hurts that we’ve been carrying.

Again I’m double blessed with getting off kind of middle of the pack as things go when bad stuff happens to us T-people for one, and two is Taylor. He holds me on his lap as we sit sideways and kisses my neck occasionally and is just there as I vent and express and talk out my stuff….does he even know how much I love him for that. How much of a huge thing that is for me? That, that’s one of those things that you can actually feel yourself falling deeper in love when your soul mate, husband, wife is there for you like that.

The fact that he wiped a few of his own tears away at some of the things I’ve said and others here have said means a lot to me. I know that empathy from him and the regulars in our mostly T-girls means an awful lot to all of us.
It’s nice but kind of weird to be eating at someplace other than home. I just love the thought of that. Home, I have a home…and it’s going to be mine a Taylor’s and…I can’t help but smile just at the thought of it.

I order the regular waffles, I’m not a fan of the Belgian style waffles and the fancy stuff but I order bacon separately and cottage cheese. I used to eat this…I need to let go of so much and just because I’m a whole different person doesn’t mean I’m a whole different person.

I smoosh the cottage cheese into the waffles and put the bacon onto of that and more cottage cheese and then just a little syrup. Taylor watches me eat it and it’s still good as ever. I’m only eating two waffles instead of Jaimes’s six or eight. It’s such a strange combination that he’s making faces as I eat it.

Taylor’s having some of my bacon and he’s having French toast. He’s got nothing on his. Taylor’s more of a savory guy, well that’s not true he likes my cinnamon rolls.

It’s ten in the morning by the time that we all get home, or to the hotel or home wherever the case might be. I’m too tired to me freaked by the thought it’s Saturday and that I’m getting married…Tomorrow.

We crash for a quite a few hours and I cuddle up to Taylor and spoon into him. I need this, I need him and it’s been such a long day and night. It’s been such an emotional one. I wake about four in the afternoon, shower, take my meds and just slip into Taylor’s shirt from last night and a pair of track pants. I can’t help but to inhale the scent of him off the shirt. Tay’s sweat and hint’s of the soap he used in the shower, and some of his cologne it hardens my nipples, it get’s my brain going in a good way. I head downstairs and the place is full again and Taylor’s cooking things up and prepping stuff for our reception. I smile and kiss him with a long slow sweet kiss and I can’t help but feel…kind of floaty, happy. I hug a whole bunch of people and get a coffee. I kiss Daddy and the Taylor again. “I’m going to go up on the roof honey. I’m going to go talk to god for awhile and maybe write for awhile.”
“Mmmn, you go ahead…I’ll see you when you get back.”
Taylor and God don’t see eye to eye on things. Taylor…he’s angry. I don’t blame him either. I can’t really be one of those people who’d preach at anyone. I practically have my own version of faith between me and him.

I do take the laundry from the washer up with me and hang it up to dry. When I’m done I sit down and read for awhile from Psalms, I like a lot of the wisdom there. No I don’t like or even believe in all parts of the bible. I read until I’m ready to talk to him. It’s a lot of what I went through last night…and that I’ve done and been living with all this time. I pray, I cry and I think get the last of it out of my system.

I read a bit more and sit a scribble away at my wedding vows as I drink my now cold coffee.
It’s after supper really by the time I went downstairs and Grams kisses me on the cheek.
“Evening honey how’d all of it go?”
“Good Grams I feel a lot better now.”
“Why don’t you get a bite then head upstairs to be with Taylor. The charter bus is going to be here at nine to take us all up to the lodge.”
“Oh, wow…”
“Are you okay? Is it all moving to fast?”
“No Grams, I’m fine I had my freak outs I’m good with everything just I’m nervous you know?”
“Oh yes honey I know.” She hugs me and there’s this bond between us getting stronger all the time now. Like now, going through the wedding stuff the nervous jitters. It’s all stuff that I never thought would be possible. I love that I’m feeling this messed up over getting married and it being normal sharing it with my Grams just like any other girl.

When you transition or even come out as T you very, very often get hurt, ostracized and at the least really, really misunderstood. There is so much of you screaming inside that you’re not right that you don’t get the chance to even dream of the not so nice stuff. You focus so much so often on not being right, and nor being real and that ache…I gotta stop over thinking things so much.

Over analyzing your shit is a major TG thing. I mean everyone one does it but we got self doubt, recrimination, fear and guilt down. Like professionally down, Us T girls are experts of tearing down our hearts and lives.

And with a kiss I go to the kitchen and get some leftovers and take two sandwiches a bowl of chips and couple of pickles upstairs. I see him and go over and kiss him. “Sandwich?”
“Mmmn, okay?”
I smile as we settle in on our couch. I know we’d might make love or do all kinds of stuff and actually all we do is sit on the couch. With me leaning all over him and we watch Iron Man 2 It was all right but I was actually more identifying with Pepper Pots at this point in my life. Gwyneth Paltro plays her and yeah I can’t help it but yeah…I’m comparing myself to her. Sigh, I really miss my hair. But it was still just really nice. Sometimes it’s good to turn your brain off for a few hours.

When it’s done we pack up all of the things I’m going to need and with time to spare we go downstairs and spend the rest of the time making out and straddling him and kissing and feeling each other up unabashedly in front of everyone even with the teasing we’re getting.

Taylor kiss walks me to the bus. Of course I’m the last one to get on and even as we start to slowly leave Taylor and I are kissing in the bottom of the stairwell of the bus all the way to the point where we’re turning off to head to the main streets. “Unless your coming up to the resort with us Hon you’d better get off here.”
“I could take a cab from there back to here.”
“No…It’ll take to long and we’ve got things to do…no matter how tempting this is.”
“Yeah, I love you Jenna Powers.”
I grin and kiss him again. “This time tomorrow I’ll be Mrs. Jenna Winters.”
“Say that again.”
I kiss him and push him out the doors as we stop in front of the stop sign.
“Tomorrow Taylor.”
The bus driver closes the door on him and I wave and the girls all break out into yells and squeals and even a few cat calls out the windows. Someone hit him in the face with a pair of panties yelling. “There’s your bachelor party!”
I couldn’t help it but we burst into giggles for about two blocks.

We chat and talk about what the resort might be like and how it was going to look and stuff about the wedding but we kind of wind down into thinking and traveling mode. I can see nerves building up because there will be people there that aren’t part of our little group and some, not all but some of the girls are scared.

I want everyone to have a good time. I’ve been on a heck of a lot of bus trips as Jaimes and know a few good tricks. I sit on the edge of my seat near Holly and Nin and her mom. I close my eyes and channel my inner cheerleader and sing.

“Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain.”
“We all have sorrow.”
“But if we are wise…”
“We’ll know that there’s always tomorrow.”

“Lean on me!” Everyone sang shouted.

And that’s about all the solo I got in as we break into a very loud, very girly group as we belt out this timeless classic that every bus of cheerleaders has sung that I’ve ever been on. We smile and sway and laugh and I start throwing in the claps that the cheerleaders I knew threw into the song and stuff. This is a kind of girl bonding thing we all have missed to a degree really.

We just got done that song and started to turn off the highway and in through a small town called Winston Creek and then through there and a few other close together places until we pull into this gated road with a sign saying Willow Lake Lodge. We finally arrive at about 11:15PM.

I can’t see the entire place but the things I do see are lovely. The grounds have lots of willow trees and poplars and the grounds look well tended and groomed. The lodge itself is like if you crossed a big three story motel or hotel with a log cabin each floor is fitted with small decks/balconies for each room and there’s a larger main building built at the far end of it that looks like a log cabin built convention center. The place has these lovely windows everywhere and has this almost maybe German lodge like design like you’d see somewhere like in the Black forest or something like that. Don’t quote me on it because really I’m only guessing.

The lake is absolutely breathtaking because even here at night you can see out over it and this scenic romantic view of it and we’re up in a valley so the whole place is sort of flanked by these breathtaking mountains. I really can’t wait to see this all in the morning, in the daylight.

Inside the lodge is breathtaking, it’s all wood work and stonework and just lovely. I feel like I’ve stepped into some grand chateau somewhere in the Alps. Lovely carpets are all over the place and this honey colored wood and the staff is very present and helpful and even nice to all of us. They’re very mannerly to all of us and even the girls that pass are being treated like ladies. There’s even a few of the porters that are French speaking and call us Mamoiselle or Demoiselle in their cute and sexy fun accents.

It’s a heck of a lot of fun and Grams and the concierge are handing us all these itineraries of the stuff that we’re going to have to do tomorrow. There’s a lot of stuff on here and I’m going to be made up and primped and powdered all morning and then fitted and then everything else.

You think I got any sleep?

Yeah not much. I was in my room by 12:45 and putting things away and it was 1:22AM by the time I settled into the whirlpool bath and soaked or tried to soak the stress and the nerves out of my system. Honestly apart from my coma, I haven’t slept alone without Taylor since we’ve gotten together. I mean it shouldn’t bother me; we haven’t been together that long but it does. It really, really does. I can’t sleep because of my nerves and being here alone without Taylor’s throwing me into that funk of what if he doesn’t make it? It’ll be like this…the rest of my life.

About 3:12AM Grams comes and rescues me and moves her stuff in to cuddle with me and soothe me to sleep. She’s also there to wake me up all bright and early at 7:40 in the morning.

I’m bustled off to the shower and then we’re downstairs in a hurry to eat this whole group breakfast thing as we take over one of the event rooms as there’s a whole bunch of us and a massive team of stylists and make up people and that entire place is turned into this massive pampering spa. I know, we just kind of did this but these are real professional people and the stuff they are able to do is just amazing even the girls who are never going to pass get really, really close. There’s even a professional photographer there and she plus her staff are doing these amazing pics of the girls and even using photo-shop to have these brilliant pictures of them done up like some of them could only dream.

There are a lot of tears and some of them are upset because they can’t take these with them because of how their lives are. I have an excellent idea and talk to some of the more tech-savvy net girls and ask if they could build a web page for the wedding and we can give each one of the girls a place to put up all of their pictures and we can put up videos and keep in touch and together about the whole experience here.

It goes over really well now that they’ll just be able to log onto the site or whatever and they can see it all again and watch it all and we can all keep in touch. Then there are a lot of happy tears and a lot of make up repairs being done.

I’m really happy because one I can share this with these girls; they saved my life on more than one occasion before I met Taylor. That and I’m getting hair extensions! Squee! I’m going to have long hair for my wedding! And you know? I’m all jumping and giggly and excited! Yeah, right up to about the first hour in the chair and with my butt falling asleep. See I knew next to nothing about getting a weave done and then getting it styled. There’s a lot and I mean a lot to getting this done.

But it also just flies by, I’m slipping into my lingerie…Oh...lacey patterned white stockings and matching French cut panties, garter belt and a corset/basque thing that is tight but made mostly of some kind of elastic stuff and white satin with these push up cups. Then the dress came on next. I can’t help but laugh a little. Holly is beside me getting her hair styled. “What’s so funny hon?”
“Oh I was just thinking about my life as Jaimes.”
“Oh Jen, you’re not him, you never were.”
“Yeah I was Hols but its okay, it’s not bad stuff.” I tap my temple with my newly done  ½ inch nails.
“Then what?”
“I was just thinking about how all the stuff I had the get on in football was really good practice for being a girl.”
Holly blinks and we stare at each other a few seconds before we burst out in a fit of giggles.
Then the girls turn me around to this full length mirror and I get to see myself in the mirror….
I…
I…
Oh my god….
I’m in complete mental neutral for a few minutes as I’m caught between tears and the disbelief that all of us T-girls always seem to carry. “That…that’s not me…I mean it can’t be right? right?” I’m kind of swaying back and forth trying out all these angles trying my damndest to find the boy in there…I think about an hour into the process what was left of him just said I’m outta here. I’m still kind of staring when I hear my dad…

“You Look Beautiful Baby-Girl.”

Yeah I caps it all because I’ll never forget those words. There’s this majikal way only your daddy can say stuff like that to you in this hushed reverence his voice half full of pride and halfway to tears that you here those words and they resonated right in the middle of your soul.

If the way he said it wasn’t enough then that look of love and pride in his eyes cinched it and I start bawling. I’m not the only one either. Both Dad and Gramps are there and both of them in real tuxedos too. Dad looks great but Gramps really pulls this off with that silver haired really older gentleman look.
Dad hugs me and gallantly dries my eyes then tells us.
“Taylor and all the guys are here and we’re nearly ready so let’s get you ladies all over to the chapel and get the places all set up.”
We head over deciding to do the final fixes and touch ups to our make up jobs and stuff over there and as we’re getting ready and everything I notice Dad and Gramps being really good with the girls and Gramps telling those girls he’s really got a surrogate dad thing going on with how lovely they look and how beautiful they look and how proud he is. There’s a lot of pictures taken and stuff and more plus video as we all move over to the church…

Well its part of the resort and technically it’s a chapel but still. I’m getting married, really married. It might just sound lame but I wanted this a lot. I needed this I think. I’m not sure if I could have done this as that whole civil union stuff. I want god in my life and…he’s my other father, I want him at my wedding. It’ll never really be church sanctioned here but Dad flew in the preacher who’s going to do our wedding and apparently his church is good with same-sex marriages even though my ID’s all say that I’m female thanks to Daddy.

Our touch ups and regrooming takes what only feels like minutes and then the girls start to leave. I’ve got Holly, Njinda, Dallas and Hunter as my bridesmaids and Grams is being my Mother of the Bride. Marley and Em are dressed really awesome and all of their girls are my flower girls and I give them all hugs, kisses and thank you’s as they head out to the sound of the processional music.

The girls head out and there’s one thing that I brought with me. And I take it out of the bag that I carefully out it into. See you might have noticed? None of the girls were my maid of honor.

I step into the hall where Daddy is waiting and Gramps and they both give me these funny looks with me carrying this big rectangular thing covered in white satin clutched to my chest like a book and my bouquet too. “Jenna? Uhm what’s…?”
“It’s a surprise you guys, it’s something I have to do.”
“Okay then…?”

The wedding march starts to play and both of them lead me down the aisle to where I see my Taylor there looking just amazing in his tux. He’s tall and he’s fit and his gorgeous blonde hair has been trimmed to where it hangs just off his shoulders and has been styled. He’s the best looking guy I’ve ever seen or known, I’m almost crying because standing there, looking like that he’s every little girls dream come true. Even as I walk I’m thinking, I’m getting married. I’m getting to marry my best friend in the world. And you know, even in my head there’s not really the words to say how happy or thankful I am.

I thought there wouldn’t be a lot of people here at the wedding on Tay’s side of the chapel but there really isn’t a side of the chapel with us. Most of the people I know are the people I’ve met through Taylor instead the small chapel is full of people we love. I see Davey with Nin’s mom and his white tux looks great with her African dress and headscarves.

Billy’s there as best man and he looks good in his tux that’s so black it almost glows darkly, this has got to be a designer tux. I know Billy’s on the wrong side of the law and the guys don’t talk about it but there has to be money in it. Then I look at Taylor again and yeah, this time my breath catches there’s this look of…there’s that look the Taylor gives me sometimes when we make love but right now there’s like almost a glow coming off of him right now. It’s only thrown off by the quizzical looks that everyone has with me carrying my surprise.

I get to the altar and kiss both Daddy and Gramps and get Daddy to hold my flowers. I go and take down one of the flower arrangements and take its stand over to where the Maid of honor would stand. I look at everyone. “Sorry but we wanted this to be a surprise for everyone.” I remove the white satin wrap and arrange it over the back of the stand then set this bid picture portrait of my Aunt Katie up on the stand and set the flowers that where on the stand at its base. It’s an old picture of her when she had been fitted for the very dress I’m wearing. “Okay I think everything’s all set now that my maid of honor is ready.” I give Daddy and Grams and Gramps my biggest I love you smiles. All three of them are crying now, Grams is sobbing a little and did a little rush over to hug me. “Oh God Jenna, Thank you, thank you, thank you…you don’t know what this means to me honey.”
“Yeah I do Grams, it means that much to me too, ever since I’ve found out about her I just couldn’t shake the feeling of Aunt Katie guiding me, watching over me.”
I look at my Daddy and Gramps who are crying more than I thought men could; and the smiles that both of them give me…I have to keep swallowing hard to keep from bursting into tears with them. I hug Grams and smile at her. “Well I best not hold things up right? I mean I am getting married.” She nods and steps back into position and I step up beside Taylor who stares at me. “Jen…god Jen you are so amazing…” Taylor looks near to tears too. Even the priest, gives me this fond smile then opens his book.

“Dearly beloved we are gathered here by love. I’m honored to have been asked here on behalf of these two amazing young people who have brought so much joy and love to all of us here called to bear witness.”

“God has found such joy in the union of these two people that he has shown them to each other through very dark times and many great ones and hopefully many more to come.”

“A wedding is a beautiful event, it’s a promise between two people that no matter what, through good times and bad, in times of illness and great joy that these two people have vowed that each one is the other half of the others soul. A wedding is to say to everyone they know and love a decree of I am not Jenna, I am not Taylor because our love is so strong that our two souls are as one, our two souls are one.”

“Times like this are to be treasured because they teach all of us that love is the greatest thing in the world, our greatest gift for each of us. It’s what I have always believed that God has meant for all of us. Free will is there so that we can choose to step out of the cold and the loneliness in our lives and choose love. We hold weddings like these so that in bearing joyful witness to the love of these two here today we are reminded that true love is real and love is possible for all of us no matter who we are.”

“Now we have the honor of hearing Jenna and Taylor speak about love and promise in their own words as they recite their own vows to one and other.”

There’s a few moments of quiet as we hesitate because we’ve never rehearsed this so it’s like who goes first. Taylor takes a deep breathe and smiles at me.

“Jenna…it seems impossible to me that we are even here, nobody has ever had such an effect in my life as you have. You loved me when I had really give up on life and you loved me when things get real and frightening…when no one else did, or would. You keep amazing me everyday we’re together and you have to be the bravest and caring and most beautiful girl in the world.”
“I promise Jenna that I’ll always love you… I’ll listen to you when you need to be heard… hold you when it hurts… make you laugh when you want to cry and I promise, I promise I’ll never give up…I’ll never give up on us.”

I’m crying, I’m crying the most beautiful tears I think I’ve ever shed. I’m trying to get my eyes clear and trying to get my voice to work. I takes three tries.

“Taylor…My god Taylor, I wasn’t alive when we met. I was just going through the motions and I had no idea what it was like to live. You, you showed me that. You showed me that I’m the person that I’ve always should’ve been. You showed me…you showed me I was a real person and …Taylor you saved my soul.”

“I promise you that I’ll never run away from you. That I’ll be there when you need my hand to squeeze… to hold you when it all goes wrong…to chase away your demons and sing away your pain…I promise I’ll be there Tay, I’ll love you forever and I’ll never give up.”

The priest smiles at both of us, then addresses us and the room. “Taylor Winters do you take Jenna to be your wife, to love and to cherish and to place her heart before your own?”
“I do.”
He looks to me. “Jenna Powers do you take Taylor to be you husband, to love and to cherish and to place his heart before your own?”
“I do.”
“The rings please.”
He passes the rings out to each of us and gives us the nod to put them on. We kind of do it a bit clumsily. He smiles as we finally get them on.

“With the wearing of these rings we bear witness before our loved ones and god that this marriage. Is of a love that shall be like an enduring circle. And like that perfect circle their love shall be continuous and flowing. God bless this union, God bless everyone here and God bless Taylor and Jenna Winters. By the power invested in me buy god and the West Charlottetown parish and the governments of Alberta and Canada I now proudly pronounce you husband and wife.”

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Taylor’s kiss was deep and sweet and amazing. It was so, perfect….It was, my very first kiss as Mrs. Jenna Winters. He even dips me a little. It’s quiet for a moment then the place erupts into thunderous cheers and whistles.

The rest of things become a blur as we run through the crowd. Most of them are throwing confetti and colored rice crispies for the kids who laugh and squeal and even chase us out the chapel doors. I loved that entire bit, I love kids and this is great fun for all of them. I even tuck down like I’m ducking so Marley’s girl Phoenix can get me good. It’s worth getting it down the back of my dress and down my bodice to hear that explosive giggle of hers.

We take a break as we get to the lodges dining hall. I need to take a pee break and that’s easier said than done in a wedding dress. I get the stuff out of my hair and shaken out of my dress and touch up my hair and make up. It’s good because it gives us all a chance to get refreshed for the reception.

Everyone is set and ready at their tables as Taylor and I eventually make it out to the head table after a few minutes of passionate kissing. The priest actually announces us out again and just hearing. “Ladies and gentlemen, our newly-weds Taylor and Jenna Winters!” There’s a live band that plays out a rock version of the end riffs of the wedding march and we take our seats.

Then of course the food.

I think honestly despite some of these really excellent things there like Alberta prime rib beef and great salads and Kentucky fried chicken and all the fixings two things stood out or at least to me. Daddy brought in something called Dungeness crab from California which was really good and Gramps who brought a lot, a lot of lobster all the way from Prince Edward Island. I ate just a little bit of everything, But I liked the seafood the best and we all had a blast about the lobster because if you ever have really good ocean lobster you won’t like going to places like red lobster again. Like me there’s a lot of us here that this was a huge treat and even a new experience for.
Then there’s my wedding cake. I loved it, it was picked out by Daddy and Angie who confesses that some of their dates were cake testing dates. Honestly those sounded like they would’ve been kind of fun.

They went with a three tier cake with a light vanilla butter cream and a lemon cake interior that’s very good and tummy friendly in how it plays with the other food.

There’s a lot of champagne, flowing and there’s toasts and jokes and stuff but I can’t remember all of it with the excitement and we honestly wanted to keep that at least to a minimum. Tomorrow Taylor and I are off to his oncology appointment.

But that’s tomorrow.

Before the dancing we do the bouquet toss and that becomes a huge thing with the girls in the group. I tossed it over my shoulder and Kendal catches it and her eyes go so huge and she bursts into tears. I even do a bit of a leg show when Taylor shoots the garter off into the group of men. I was kinda rooting for Dad to get it but it ends up whacking Billy in the head.

Then comes the dancing, Taylor and I starting things off and Billy stuns Kendal by pulling her out to dance too. The dancing is my favorite part. The very first song is the live band playing Tay and mine’s “Kiss from a rose.” It’s our song…I’m so happy, I’m floating as we dance. Daddy looks great dancing with Angie and him dancing with Hunter looks so…I can see where this means so much to hunter where her dad and his family won’t have anything to do with her because she’s transgendered. I see the same thing going on with Gramps and some of his personally adopted daughters. There’s a loss of family that so many T-girls and boys go through when they decide to come out, huge gaping wounds that I can see being healed here.

The fact that the guys here are very nice and supportive of the T-girls here is also a kind of boost to their hearts and souls that you just could never buy.

Marley and Em are amazing too. The fact they look like two beautiful women together dancing when they are really husband and wife shows to a few of the net-girls here that wished they could be like this with their wives that this is possible. It makes me smile when I watch the two of them together, Em might look like this chestnut haired beauty but there’s no doubt in a way when you see em kind of take charge leading as kissing Marley with this deep passion.

I think that so much of my wedding I could share like this really made it so very special.

I’m dancing with daddy when Taylor is talking to the band and the concierge and they clip this mike to his lapel. The guy who was singing for the band says into the microphone as the lights dim. “Ladies and gentlemen we’re getting to the last hour of the dancing and the groom would ask for one more special dance for him and his lovely wife.”

The dance floor clears and Taylor comes over to me and he starts to slow dance with me to this song I’ve never heard. The band isn’t singing just playing this really nice slow blues music. Taylor starts to sing to me as we’re dancing and his mike carries it around the room, his voice is soft and so full of love.

“If I was the sun way up there.”
“I’d go with love most everywhere.”
“I’ll be the moon when the sun goes down.”
“Just to let you know I’m still around.”

“That’s how strong my love is, oh”
“That’s how strong my love is.”
“That’s how strong my love is, baby, baby..”
“That’s how strong my love is.”

“I’ll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears.”
“You can go swimming when you’re here.”
“I’ll be the rainbow when your sun is gone.”
“Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm.”

“That’s how strong my love is, darling.”
“That’s how strong my love is, baby.”
“That’s how strong my love is, ooooh.’
“That’s how strong my love is.”

“I’ll be the ocean so deep and wide.”
“I’ll get out the tears whenever you cry.”
“I’ll be the breeze after the storm is gone.”
“To dry your eyes and love you warm.’

“That’s how strong my love is, baby.”
“That’s how strong my love is.’
“That’s how strong my love is, darling.”
“That’s how strong my love is.’

“That’s how strong my love is…”
“So deep in…”
“Well, that’s so strong my love is.”
“So much love…Yes so much love, oh…”
“Yes so much love, yes so much love…”
“Anything I can do…I’ll do for you..”
“Any kind of love you want…I’ll be with you…”

“Because…Jenna, that’s how strong my love is…’

The song ends and we keep dancing and I’ve crying and rivers of tears are sliding down my face as I stare up into the eyes of the most wonderful man in the world.

Images 21

Chapter 21

We stayed for maybe another twenty minutes before we kissed and walked to our Honeymoon suite. The room was breathtaking just like out of a fantasy. I know that Taylor did this. He scoops me into his arms and walks me through the threshold.

Okay let me tell you just how special this is.

The walls are all mostly softwood; clear coated white pine makes up the walls with all of the moldings and trims out of maple I think. We have a patio with the doors partly closed. They’re these French styled doors but with roses of frosted glass in the large long panes of glass. There’s a little table with a bottle of bubbly and the ice bucket thingy out there.

We have a large fireplace set into this white grey cultured stone fireplace that just matched the rooms mostly white color. I large white enameled bed has a white rabbit? Fur blanket on top and ruby red satin or silk sheets. There are other things but all I can say really is what doesn’t have roses in vases on it and rose petals scattered amongst it has candles lit on it. The kicker, the things that send this over the top are the fact that Our love making CD of our songs is playing and there’s got to be dry ice around here somewhere because there’s this romantic mist playing across the floor.

If there’s another advantage to being new to this...being a girl thing. There’s no way in my newly found girly dreams could I have ever dreamed up something as romantic as this. I’m crying but in the most perfect, amazed and happy way.

Taylor’s hand reaches out and wipes away my tears. He kisses me so gently and softly and there’s a difference to it. As much as tomorrow will be so different, tense and everything with going to see his doctor. There’s this sort of relief there. That if something happens for good or bad. I’ll not just be there but I have every right to. I’m Mrs. Jenna Winters now.

He breaks the kiss to take my hands and dances with me “Kiss from a Rose.” had started playing the a few other beautiful songs we love. “Send me an Angel.” and “Open arms.” and a few others. We have two glasses of the champagne as we take our time to undress each other, there’s a lot of touches and kisses in between the sips and even another dance or two.

I love dancing with Taylor, I really do. There’s nothing quite as easy and soft and femme as my being able to wrap my arms around his neck and have his hands on the small of my back or resting on my hips guiding and leading me because I’m still new to slow dancing as a girl. There’s usually a point where he smells my hair as I rest my head on his shoulder.
I love the way that he drinks in the sight of my body, of me especially in all this lingerie. That look, that aching to touch me look, that hungry look makes me feel so wanted, so womanly.

One last dance in my underwear, I love this song. “Wonderful Tonight.” by Eric Clapton.
I leave my weave in. Tonight, with my husband I really want my long hair.

My Husband.

Just the thought of that sends this ripple of light through what is me. What I thought was me but God’s showing me that I don’t end with me. I mean it we don’t. Just think of that person you love with all of your heart and soul. Now think of the you that you were before that. Yeah…yeah, I’m just seeing this whole new way of seeing my life. Oh I know this won’t be the most popular thing to say for people for a lot of reasons. But I can honestly say it’s true. There is a difference or there is one to me.

My Husband.

The thought and those feeling are so strongly flowing through me. Even as I sink to my knees. It’s something I like to do, we’ve covered that ground about my feelings about that but I had some wedding night fun with it. A sip of champagne as I do and let the bubbles do naughty things to him. On my knees in the cool mist is so out of some strange fantasy for me not to.

I’ve got to say there really is a Taylor Caviar like thing going on and it’s so fitting to have champagne with a girls caviar. Okay, I might be a little buzzed by now.
That’s good because I’m so in the mood once we get onto the bed. I don’t know if the fur blanket is real or synthetic but it feels wonderful on my skin. Oh, I so love the feeling of the fur on my skin and my breasts.

We make out and sort of writhe and wriggle on the furs as we get ourselves hotter and hotter and rather than sticky up the furs we slip into the silk sheets. The love making is as different as much as it’s the same. I’m so much more open inside, and yeah it’s that married thing. It’s different. I don’t have that desperation tingeing everything and neither does Taylor. We are being very passionate, actually we start soft and slow but we pick up steam about after the second time that Taylor makes love to me and makes me cum. And He cums in me making me feel that glow, that I am good enough. It gets better and better and better I’ve never had sex like this, never made love like this and Oh my God Taylor is inexhaustible.

Hours, Hours…Literally we took hours to do it. I snuggle against him, sore, really sore and exhausted. “God Baby, what was that? What got into you?”

“I wanted to have our wedding night to be special, and well hit Gramps up for uhm one on his little blue buddies.”

“Oh my god, you didn’t? You didn’t need that.”

“Uhm yeah, I figured that out when it just kinda didn’t calm down.”

“Sore?”

“Yeah?”

“Think how I feel.” and I kiss him. “Thank you Taylor but you’re enough for me just being yourself. You don’t need the help. But thank you anyway, I love you…”

He kisses me then snuggles into me and murmurs. “I love you too Jen, I love you too.”

I love hearing that.

I love feeling so safe and loved in his arms.

I love falling asleep with his hand on my breast.

It’s kind of hazy when I next open my eyes. I can smell the scent of wood smoke but just faintly. I’m in a house, its living room to be exact. I see Taylor? But not Taylor asleep on this old sofa the Montreal Expos are playing on the old TV set. He looks like Tay but shorter hair and a light beard and a mustache. He’s wearing a pair of sweat pants and there’s a beautiful blond haired boy about 3 or 4 asleep on his chest.

“In here Jenna.” this light womanly voice floats in, not a whisper but voiced to not wake up the sleeping pair. I turn and walk towards the kitchen. There’s hand made moldings varnished around the door-jam and are really plain but they’ve got all this character. I walk into this big lovely country kitchen with this huge wood stove and all those discs in the top of it, the water tanks, the warming top, the griddle and double ovens. It’s beautiful; I’ve always loved the look behind of such a beautiful thing.

The same with the rest of it. Tons of cupboards along the walls and under the counters and they’re cheap plywood actually but painted white with hand painted flowers. There counter is old linoleum and covered in all the things for an old fashioned kitchen.

I see a very beautiful lightly brown haired woman in a pair of old jeans and a well worm torn and stained hooded zip front sweat shirt and a man’s old white t-shirt that’s equally stained from painting and wood working hangs on her nearly skirt like.
She gives me this warm, beautiful smile that I’ve only ever see on my Taylor.
And that little boy sleeping in there on his daddy’s chest.

“Hello Jenna, I’ve been wanting to meet you.”

“You have?”

“God yes, Jenna you’re wearing my ring, my mom’s ring. I had to meet you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I need to see you, to get to know you. I want to know the girl that’s saving my baby’s life.”

“I…I’m not a real…” There are tears in my eyes, God, I’m afraid of her, afraid of not being good enough.

“Yes you are Jenna, here you are.”

“Uhm…Uhm…excuse me, where’s the restroom.” She smiles and points. I run and as soon as I’m in there I’m hiking up my sundress. Dropping my panties and … and I’m me. I’m actually really me. Heck it’s like really real and not even perfect. I’m in between shaves and I’m got three big kind of freckle spots and … I really, really me.

I quickly dress and run out and hug her. I just somehow know this is coming from her, or she’s helping it happen. I cry on her for awhile, I cry hard because…because … ?

“Because you’re my daughter in law sweetie and I’ve always, always wanted a little girl in my life, in my family.”

“Thank you M..Mm..Mom.”

“You’re welcome sweetie, my name’s Charlene but Mom works just fine with me.”

I’m not even sure why, but for awhile I bawl my eyes out. I even fell asleep in this dream place, on her lap in her arms while she rocked me in an old fashioned rocking chair. I woke blinking and having her drying my eyes.

“Sorry Mom.”

“Nonsense after what Natalie’s done to your soul Jenna you need to cry. You need to let it out more and talk to that Marley woman. She’s there for more than your GID issues honey.”

“Yes Mom.”

She rolled her eyes. “Now don’t you go changing on me just because of all of this. It’s just a good idea is all I’m saying.” She moves leaving me in the chair and put too homemade molasses cookies on a saucer and passes me a mug of tea. Its woodstove tea, the kind where the teapot’s been on the stove since breakfast and you just add water as it keeps hot all day long.

It’s not tea like you’d really see outside of rural life in North America. It’s really odd but I like it. The cookies too, there’s just something different about something cooked with wood.

“Come here Jenna and we’ll talk. I want to know you and we’ll cook for our guys.” She nodded out the kitchen window and Tay’s outside with his dad about 15 years old tossing a baseball back and forth with his dad. Tay’s never gotten to ever do that, not in a long, long time…My throat closes on me with emotion. Please god, please let Taylor dream of this, let him have this time with his dad? Please?

Time flows after that odd and strange as I cook in that old styled kitchen with Charlene making her biscuits, molasses cookies, berry muffins, her cinnamon rolls are just like I make mine. Sugar cookies…such a base for so many things, and as I’m learning all these things I’m spilling it all out. My life as Jaime and how I was broken back then but didn’t actually know it. That I was suffering under a complete lack of self identity and that I first saw me and how that changed everything for me.

It feels like hours on hours as I spill out my insecurities and my fears about being inadequate and being not even one of the T-girls who knew, who knew so long ago that something was wrong.

I never got that, I never had a clue until BAM! Everything hit me and my entire world had bottomed out for what I had thought my life was always supposed to have been like.
Jaime’s Morgan JV football hero and prodigy was a tranny-faggot. I talk to her about my different attempts at suicide and how much I had thought about it even before I told anyone about who I was. The moment I had seen Me…Jenna…Jaimes started dying.

I told her about Ingrid and just how betrayed I had felt. I had spent so much time working up the nerve to talk to her, to open up that part of me that was screaming to live. Ingrid was one of the hippest don’t give a shit off the wall girls in school and the more Jenna breathed the more I needed her to be my friend.

She was the first person I really trusted. The first person to see my soul and she destroyed that. I still don’t get why, I still hurt, I hurt and I agonize over it. I shouldn’t. Charlene even tells me that I shouldn’t put what she had done so much on myself. Even though there’s still part of me wanting to know why? And what did I do for her to hate me so badly. She holds me even as I cry over the whole thing all over again.

I tell her how scared I am for Taylor, for us and myself. That I love him despite of how short our relationship has really been. I’m scared of losing him. I’m terrified of it. Both in waking up and him having left me in the night or him getting better and finding himself a real girl.

She reassures me about his love for me. Out her window she shows Taylor’s at a graveyard. He’s got a picture of me in his hands.

“Mom…Dad it’s me Taylor. Look I’m sorry I don’t come and see you guys enough but…You know, life just gets in the way sometimes.”

“I met somebody, I met somebody special. God, Dad it’s like you told me when you said I’d know when I would really, really like a girl. This…this is Jenna, and just like you said dad I’ve got that feeling about her all the way from the top of my head all the way down to the soles of my feet.”

“I never really got it back then because I was too little dad and I thought you were talking about what it felt like to catch cooties. But god dad, this is it. Jenna’s the real thing. I can’t take a breath without it being about her dad. I’m in love with her and if she gets better I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

“The thing is I really fucked it up bad dad. I got scared and I acted like a complete fucking jackass and said stuff to hurt her and to get her off of my back only it backfired on me. Jenna’s been hurt really bad dad, mom…hurt more than anyone I’ve ever met and she thought that because of the stupid fucking things that I said to her that I didn’t love her.”

“God you guys I’m so scared, I’m so fucking scared of losing her right now. She almost killed herself and it’s my fault. I took the one truly great thing in my life and tossed her away.”

“I need her, I really need her. If I lose her I’m not sure how I can keep going. God, please, please I know I’m nuts for even being here or talking to you guys like this but I just don’t know what to do. I need her, I love her so much you guys. Please?...Please find her out there. Dad please…Mom please find my girl and please, please. Please bring her back to me…Please let her live…”

I watch Taylor my sweet, sweet, guy fall to his knees in front of their gravestone and kind of curl into a ball his face and my photo pressed into the ground as he cried…bawled for me.

Right down to the tiniest part of me I know this is true…I know he went there and that he said those things to them, about me and I’ve never felt anything like this…what can you feel when you see this, feel this kind of truth.

I turn to look at Charlene and Tyler….Tay’s… his dad’s there with her. We’re not in the house anymore but at this spot on the highway…there’s an old cross there just off the pavement and up the bank from the ditch. Tyler looks at me and smiles.

“You seem to a pretty great girl Jen; Tay says an awful lot of good things about you. Charlotte and I have kind of been keeping an eye on him for awhile now and you know we love our boy right?”

I nod.

Charlotte continues. “Well now that we’ve seen how happy he is with you and that we’ve gotten to know just what kind of lovely daughter you are.”

Tyler pipes back up. “Well we’re leaving Taylor in your loving heart we know he’s going to be okay with you right? You’ll take good care of him?”

Charlotte looks me right in my soul. “You’ll take care of my baby boy?”

I’m crying and nodding. “Yes, oh god you two yes, I love him so much…I promise, I’ll take care of him, I’ll love him and keep him safe. He’s…he’s Taylor, he’s the other half of my soul.”

Both of them are smiling at me and they start to glow and get brighter and brighter until…

There’s this bright light from the sun shining in my eyes as the phone beside the bed is ringing. There’s this whole long moment where I’m looking around still not really awake? Still not really here?

My head hurts, oh it’s been awhile since I’ve had a hangover. I reach over and pick up the phone. “Mmmwha, Hello?”

“Mrs. Winter’s this is the concierge at the front desk, you wanted a 6:30 wake up call.”

“Uhm…Yeah, thank you.”

They hung up and I roll over and I stare at him. He’s looking at me. His eyes are a little red, It could be he’s as hung-over as I feel but he could’ve been crying too?

“Morning Beautiful.” He slides over and kisses me, and kisses me and kisses me some more.

I break the kiss and touch his face gently running my fingers through the start of the stubble on his face. “You alright Tay?” I’m kind of searching his face, the look in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah I just didn’t sleep too good, stressed about…you know.” He runs his finger through his hair and I kiss him again.

“I know Tay, I know but It’ll be alright, I’ve just got a feeling.” And I do, I’m sure that dream meant something. I can’t help but to believe in it. I kiss him a bit longer and then slip out of bed and despite how sore I am; really sore I smile at him at the door to the bathroom. “I love being married to you, you know that Taylor?”

“I love you too Jenna, I love you too.”

I head into the bathroom unable to keep the smile off of my face or out of my heart. I check my weave and take it out because it’s a mess, a real mess with uhm all the stuff that it’s been through last night.

Cleaning up is uhm personal and kind of a relief too. I’m still sore but it’s that really good intimate kind of sore. I really like the shower here a six point spray is amazing, really decadent and it’s varying pulses feel great on my skin and my girls.

Teeth brushed and lotioned up with my Nivea and a touch of my baby powder and my powder scented Secret, I use the spray a little and my stick. I don’t go over board but I love that scent and I like smelling like a girl. I finish with a touch of make up, just a bit of liquid foundation and a touch with the eyeliner and a small skiff of mascara, less is more is absolutely right if you can get away with it. I’m lucky; my French influenced complexion has been very kind to me.

I stop to kiss Taylor as he passes me to use the shower and the facilities himself and I go to our bags. Phone in between my shoulder and my ear I order up room service for breakfast from the kitchen with Them saying that a lobster benedict is available thanks to gramps so I order a large one for two people to share and some toast and juice and two V-8 juices and coffee. While I’m doing that I’m digging out the medical records the Tay has as well pack my purse for stuff I’m going to need for the day I think.

Breakfast comes and I take my Meds with my glass of V-8, I don’t really like the stuff but it’s better than that purple stuff that Taylor makes. Beside I’ve taken a lot worse stuff when Jaime was in training. And Taylor’s right, I need to not just put on more weight 121lbs at 5ft 10 inches is not good for me. I’m still putting on the weight that I lost while I was in the hospital. Yes I’m too skinny; it’s all because of being really broke, sick from my meds sometimes and my neurotic issues with getting small enough to pass well. My low body weight was part of the reason I slipped into that coma. I just had nothing in my tank to fight with.

So yeah it’s V-8 and my meds along with a Women’s multivitamin and a smaller but daily dose of an omega 3 pill, my flax oil and a vitamin e tablet and a vitamin d as well. It has been helping I think but it’s too early to tell.

Taylor comes out towel around his waist and using another one to dry his hair. I can’t help but to drink in the sight of him. My husband is beautiful, not girly beautiful but in I’m looking at my better looking than Paul Walker on his best day guy is smoking hot beautiful. I beckon him over into a romantic kiss and take the towel fro his hands and dry off his back and he leans forward letting me towel dry his hair. We he leans back up the smile and him pulling me against his shower fresh Irish spring scented body is just….it’s topped off with a nice long kiss and the sweetest smile a girl has ever gotten from a bot when he says “Thank you.” I know that means so much more than just drying his hair, or the kiss.

I like the breakfast and it’s just plain good but decadent, I’m glad we’re sharing. It’s two toasted English muffins with frisse lettuce on them and a smoke fine sheets of smoked salmon with a poached egg on top of that and there this hollandaise sauce that has all these fine bits of lobster in them and two lobster claws per muffin and a lobster tail and with crumbled bacon on top of it as well as a fancy shaped dollop of red roe caviar. I loved it but Taylor’s really looking undecisive. I know he likes lobster but I think that this is a little frou-frou for him.

Fed and coffee’d up we go downstairs to meet Dad who’s driving us there to our appointment as well as Taking Angie and Hunter to work and to school. I hug him and kiss his cheek and see he’s packet a cooler. I look inside and see chowder in Tupperware containers and what looks like a bagged lunch for Hunter. I smile at him. “They’ll love it.” I hug Angie and Hunter too.

“Hey Hunter, lets sneak over to the hall and see if there’s left over wedding cake and some flowers you can take to the other girls you go to school with.?”

She hits the ultrasonics with the squee she’s gives off and she’s bouncing and jumping up and down going. “Really!OhmyGod!DoYouMeanThatReally!!!?”

“Yeah c’mon kiddo lets go get some. What’s a big sister for?”

The hug and the warmth from that is so worth it, so was the smile I got from dad and Angie.
It’s not all that long before we’re heading out and down the highway and on our way into Edmonton. Angie doesn’t pry but Hunters full of a lot of questions about what the room looked like and if there was champagne and caviar which has me choke a bit on my Tim’s. (Dad stopped along the way for more coffees for us all and some Timbits.)

Okay I’m not going to be the one to talk to Hunter about that stuff, and…they’re all looking at me funny because it’s an inside joke I haven’t told anyone although by the nearly laughing look that showed up on Angie’s face she clued in quick enough. It’s funny because Hunter looks confused at me then her mom then at me then her mom then at Taylor and her face scrunches up and she goes. “Eeewww!” Angie and I laugh for at least four blocks.

We drop Hunter off at her school and Dad slips out with her and Angie and takes her to her homeroom helping carry her goodies. I spend some of the time waiting for them to comeback by unbuckling my seatbelt and sliding over the seat to Taylor and straddle him. He’s already tensing up and I start to rub his shoulders while smiling at him and kissing him. Kissing him a lot. We actually lose track of the time and Taylor’s hands are making my girls really, really happy.

Which of course; is when dad and Angie show back up with me straddling Tay’s lap and him with his hands up my shirt. Dad’s looking at me with this kind of strange look on his face and he’s looking at Taylor who’s blushing. Angie hits dad. “Johnny, leave it alone, they’re newlyweds.” Dad nods but I think he’s getting these first time flashes of there’s a guy doing that to my kid, to my baby girl…dad instincts. Like I said he nods but there’s still this look there. I guess there’s a difference between seeing it happening and knowing.

We drive to the University hospital and Dad drops us off while he and Angie are going to do whatever. She’s on shift this morning I think she had her scrubs and stuff in a bag with her. I kiss them both on the cheeks before they pull off and Angie hugs Taylor and me while our menfolk shake hands and slap each other on the shoulders. I don’t really get that whole why guys act like that and it’s just another reason I guess that I’m really glad I’m not a guy.

It takes us awhile even though we’re an hour early there the changes in his medical stuff about me and being his next of kin and filling out the insurance forms and stuff. Taylor’s getting more and more tense as more people show up in various states of their cancer treatments. I can feel him shaking somewhat. It’s still a hospital and it’s seeing a specialist so there’s quite a line up and everything, still that long waiting. I get out of my chair and sit on his lap and start kissing with him.

Doctor Clarke actually comes and gets us right at the start of things early and takes us to his clinic area. “I’m going to be sending you for a priority group of tests right now Taylor Dr. Hendricks the specialist wants a fresh look at everything and we’re going to go from there.” He looks at very seriously and actually smiles “Unless things have really gone downhill in there Taylor, I think we might actually have good news.”

Images 22

Chapter 22

Taylor just stared at the doctor for a minute then at the porter who came with the wheelchair for him. He actually hung his head a bit with a sigh. He looked like he was heading to the gallows as he got up and moved from where he was to the wheelchair. I smile at him, Then look at Dr. Clark “Do you have a list of what he needs and where?”
The Doctor smiles. “Just give me a second Jenna.” He writes a note with where to go and what he’s getting and gives then to me along with a small stack of papers. I smile at the porter and lean over and kiss Taylor on the mouth kind of upside down. “Hey Winters its okay, I’ve got you.” There’s some more kissing. Then I kiss the top of his head on the way back up and hug him with my right arm. “I’m here Tay; I’m with you the entire way.”
I can feel the tension drop a little and I grab the handles of the wheelchair and head off for the first stop at the lab. I goof with the wheelchair a bit. I make some car sounds, and corner squealing sounds. Taylor leans his head back to stare at me. “That’s really bad you know, are you sure you used to be…you know.” I smile at him. “Yeah, well Jaimes was never really allowed to play with cars too much, because it was all about the sports baseball, hockey then football. Even then it was the money sports.” He looks at me smiling “Well I think it’s cool even if you’re doing this for me even if you’re doing it in a dorky kind of way…I love you for this Jen.”
“Dorky! Hey I was never a dork.”
“Yeah well you’re so bad at this; I guess you never were a boy.”
“Not really, thank you baby.” I lean over and kiss him again. “If we keep doing this we’re going to be late.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Taylor…”
“Okay, okay I give.” He raises his hands in surrender.

It takes a few more minutes to get there and a few more to get him registered as per the orders on the sheets we were given. Even with Taylor getting the tests for something serious we still have to wait awhile.

It’s actually okay as we make out. I sit on his lap and we spend a lot of time kissing and making out. Yeah we get a lot of stares and a few glares from people who don’t think we should be doing this in a public place like a hospital; even security comes over twice to ask us to stop. I beam at them and say. “We’re sorry it’s just we’ve just got married.”
When? Leads to “Yesterday.”
Why aren’t you on your honeymoon? Leads to “Oncology tests.”
You know, people can really not suck sometimes. Taylor’s pissy about people knowing our business but some kissing fixes that. And the people around us that now know become our sort of trouble-shooters because they’d better not bother that sweet young newly-wed couple fighting cancer. I know it sounds like I’m using the situation and I guess we are a bit but it’s just people actually trying to be decent.

The lab is a bit of a trial and they took twelve tubes of blood from him. It’s something he’s really afraid of. All of this stuff. He get’s this kind of scared sick look when they tied off the rubbed cord thing and he couldn’t look at the arm they were taking blood from. I hold and squeeze his other hand and stare into those upset blue-gray eyes of his.
“It’ll be okay Tay.”
“Yeah…I just hate this, I …”
I reach over and stroke his cheek with my hand. “I love you for this Taylor; you couldn’t have given me a better wedding present.”
“It’s nothing, Jen all of this might come out badly.”
“This isn’t nothing Tay, it’ll never be nothing because of how you feel about this place, about what you went through when your parents died, when you were here before. I’ve got my own PTSD stuff from my childhood Taylor and this, this is a huge stresser for you…But you are so amazing, that you came here for us…for me. Taylor Winters the Hope and love you’ve given me is something I’ll treasure forever and it’s the best present that I could ever get…”

I kiss him and there’s a few tears on my cheeks and there’s more than one misty lab tech in the room. There’s a sudden flash of relief on his face when the weepy looking tech says we’re all done and there’s this smile on his face and in his eyes. “God Jen, thank you…It’s never been this easy before… going through this.” I kiss him back, feeling…stronger? “C’mon handsome we’re far from done.” He nods and I head out wheeling him to medical imaging. I feel empowered not strong, you know when you’ve been there or done that thing for the person you love most in the world and it just runs through you after that. Affirming who you are, in my case who and what I am. I know in my heart I was meant for this, for Taylor.

I’ll take real good care of our boy Charlotte. I even kiss the ring as we ride the elevator.

Medical Imaging was harder than I thought it would be.

He was left alone for long periods of time fully packaged on the back board and straps as a young kid when his folks died. Alone, no friends or family and scared and injured and just a kid. Again and again and again when he was in here when the found out he was sick.

I lose him a few times with him flashing back and zoning out in the waiting area…I just stay close, stay there when he’s not really there and hold his hand. He squeezes mine so hard it hurts. I love him more than the pain.

He looks at me with tears, once and at my hand and there’s this almost little boy voice there. “….mum?” I kiss his cheek. “No baby, she died but she’s here with us.” I run his hand over the ring. “Charlotte asked me to be here for you. She wanted me to take care of you.” Oh…The tears building up and spilling out of his eyes look he gives me just is so heartbreaking. “She did?” My voice is all tight and I nod. “Yeah baby, she did.” He breaks on me there and hugs me like I’m the only thing keeping the bad stuff away. He sobs; I don’t think Tay’s ever really, really been able to cry over it all. I hold him and rock him and just kind of Whisper sing to him “In the Arms of an Angel” in his ear holding his head to my breasts and letting him cling to me and my hand. It takes me a good hour to get him out of it and ready for the CAT scan, and then his MRI. It took three times to get him to drink the glow in the scan stuff he did manage to gag it down though.
Apparently the flavors really don’t help that much.

It wasn’t much better in the machines either. They weren’t going to let me stay with him in the room with him as he went through the machine. Taylor was just too keyed up and too scared to go it alone. They say time heals all wounds but sometimes if you really hate something all it does is let you build on your fears. I would have crawled in with him if I could have but not really advisable with the kinds of tests they were doing. Instead I talked him through them. The CAT scan was hard but he had to go all the way inside the MRI machine. Taylor was obviously freaked, the only way I could be close to him was down at the bottom. So I took off his sneakers and his socks and to distract him. “Jen? What are you doing?”
“Distracting you honey…why?” I’m trying to sound innocent and sweet.
“So what does taking the stuff off of my feet have to do with distracting me, you know I’m not ticklish?”
“I know you’re not ticklish honey that’s why I’m doing something else.”
I reach into my purse, and take out my ruby red pink grapefruit color of nail polish.
The med-tech started to giggle.
“Jennnn, why are they giggling?”
“It’s a good idea Tay, it’ll keep you distracted.”
“Why, what are you doing? What do I smell?”
“Nail polish.”
“What, Why?”
“I’m going to paint your toenails.” I give the tech the nod.
“What! Whaddayamean you’re gonna paint my toe nails!”
*Med-Tech, “Please don’t move sir.”
“She’s painting my toenails!”
* “Please sir don’t move, the scan needs to take time and you can’t move around or it’ll blur the pictures.”
“Yes, Taylor sit still, or we’ll be in here longer.”
That shut him up.
Sort of.
He did keep up a steady diatribe about Hospitals and how they treat patients and not stopping me from committing spousal abuse. He goes on for quite a bit and I’m more than amused at the whole thing and even how it got a little worse when I started to blow on his toes to dry the little piggies.

Yes, I painted his toe nails but it worked, but he was a little sore with me as the people in medical imaging got to see me give him a set of pretty pink toe nails. He didn’t move in the machine but he was too pissed at me to freak out any.

I got him through it however and that’s all that matters to me. He’s back in the wheelchair and touching the dried paint frowning. “I’m gonna get you back for this you know?”
I kiss him. “Hey, it got you through it didn’t it?”
“Yeah…”
“You were having kind of a meltdown hon; I did whatever it took to get you through that in one piece.”
“Yeah, you did.” He pulls me down into a kiss and gives me this smile that’s really worth it even if he’s miffed at me. “Thank you Jenna, I really couldn’t have done that without you…You saved me in there. I’ve…I’ve…I’ve never had this before.”
I kiss him back. “I signed on for this remember, for better for worse, in sickness and in health.” Another long kiss. We stop and just kind of nuzzle each other and rest forehead to forehead staring in each others eyes. There’s that wet look of tears in his after a few minutes. “God Jenna I’m so lucky to have you, so lucky…” I kiss him again and get the stuff we need to take back to Dr. Clark’s office and start pushing him.
“You just remember that when it’s my turn and you have to help me with my dilation.”
“Your what?”
I laugh all the way to the elevator and even pop a wheelie for him as we get inside.
“Look it up Bucko it’s got to do with your wife’s medical condition.”
Taylor began to look it up as we went on the internet through his phone. I reach over his shoulder and start taking him to one of the GRS sites that I’ve been looking at with there being surgical videos and stuff for all the stages. He’s actually more interested than I though he’d be. He stares at the befores and afters and looks at me. I can’t help it and I kind of slip into that quiet introspective me when I’m kind of day dreaming just what it’ll be like. He pulls me onto his lap a bit more.
“You really need this don’t you?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way and this just kind of drives it home the need for me to really be as close to me, the way I know I should’ve been born as I can. That’s as close to as I’m ever going to get.”
“No…you were born this way, your souls has always been the girl I love.”
I let out a sigh.
“What?” he’s looking at me.
“It’s that whole I’ve always been this on the inside thing, I just feel like it’s a cliché.”
“Jenn, aren’t clichés, clichés for a reason?”
“Yeah but it just kind of seems that a lot of people think my life’s going to magically fixed because I had the surgery. It’s just the tip of a very scary iceberg.”
“Scary?”
“Taylor, not counting the really bad kill me kind of stuff that might happen with the operation there’s the chance of stuff not going right with things down there. It can happen; then there’s recovery and the rest of my life. I don’t have a license, I quit school and have crap for an education and that really bothers me.”
“Jen, look hon. Everything’s going to okay down there. Your dad’s connected and I’m sure he’s going to get the best doctor that money can get for your GRS. It’s going to be okay Jenna.”
“I know it’s just kind of scary.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah, life’s gotta be scary sometimes in my book. If there’s nothing to be afraid of how are we gonna get through stuff when bad things happen?”
“There’s a difference.”
“Yeah, a big difference. It’s like when you were thinking about taking those pills. That was a scary moment even when I first met you it was kind of scary. But the stuff with you getting hit by that car…you never meant, to get hit by the car you were just trying to get away from me…That was a bad…really bad…”

I hug him a little with myself getting the shivers from the memories this kind of drug up. I kind of can feel the weight of the emotions from the stuff that’s happened in my life, I get it though. Taylor get’s me too. He wraps those strong arms of his around me and hugs me tightly. I love that, I needed this. Him holding me.

This is one of the things that really hits me about this being real. It’s just stuff like this. The soaking into him and his scent, his body heat. That there’s that thing we’ve got where this is us. I’m sinking more into the comfort of it that goes heart deep. I need to love, but I need to be loved, cared for. At the same time I can feel Taylor’s arms tightening around me holding me tighter, I can feel this release in his chest. Like he get’s to let go of something as he holds me. I love that just holding me does that for him. It happens for me too. There’s something spiritually restful when I can lean against his back my breasts pressed into his muscular back and just hold him in my own way. I can feel when I get to do that my heart is like finally….

We’re like that just kind of snuggled into each other for awhile just kissing. The receptionist comes over to us. “Mr. and Mrs. Winters, Dr. Clark will see you now.” She beckons us to follow her with the chart and we follow her to an exam room. Dr. Clark’s there with another woman in a lab coat. There’s screen things on the walls where there used to be the things they’d pin the x-rays to. I guess it’s all computers these days right. I can’t remember if my x-rays from the accident were on these things. Dr. Clark smiles and its right there in his eyes too. “Taylor, Jenna I’d like to introduce you to Sylvia Hendricks the specialist that’s come in on your case Taylor.”

We end up shaking hands and I notice her giving me this definite once over. No she’s still checking me out. She’s definitely noticed, I mean I pass. But I started earlier than most but there’s still I guess things that’ll really never “mesh” with me being a girl. My butt, my hips are too small and my arms are a bit too long and my shoulders are too big. I know these things; I can’t really change too much about them. But I’m happy; I’m a happily married woman now. There’s a ton of GG’s that’ll never have what I’ve been blessed with. Instead of looking down or away or avoiding her looking I meet her eyes. I shake her hand and smile at her. She actually smiles back. She seems nice though, I can see a bit of the shy nerdy girl, way too many freckles to be one of the beautiful people, glasses. It’s just that quick I guess, we sized each other up and we’re good with each other. She checks out my rings as we shake. “That’s a lovely ring, it looks antique.”
“It is, it was his grandmother’s then his mother’s now mine.”
“You’re a lucky girl.”
I smile at her but then just can’t help giving Taylor a loving glance. “More than I deserve sometimes I think.”
She looks at me. There’s this mixture of seriousness with this heart on her sleeve in that look. “Right…Well we have what we think is good news.”
She moves away from us to in front of the screens.
“Alright we knew you’re suffering under an Oligodendroglioma, it’s a slow moving malignancy that luckily is chemosenstive.”
I look at both the doctors. “Uhm I don’t know what that is.”
She nods. “Taylor’s cancer is a branching or tree like cancer that moves very slowly but once it finds a place that it likes it develops into a mass that sends out runners and if they find a susceptible zone of cells then they’ll start a cancer cluster of their own.”
I nod. “So it’s slow moving until it finds a new home.”
“Yes, Taylor’s previous treatments had done the cancer enough damage that he had gone into remission, this cancer responds well to chemo therapy and his tissues remained toxic enough in the treated areas that it didn’t take regrown in those areas.”
Taylor looks at her. “So that means?”
“That the cancers cells had to find a new way around the areas that we had treated, which is why you’ve had different symptoms this time as the cancer is hurting different parts of your brain this time.”
“So how bad is it this time?” I ask them.
Dr. Clark responds. “It’s actually better, this time. There’s less of a mass meaning it hasn’t spread as far as it could have and we’ve a huge amount more of treatment options available to if now then we did back then.”
He still looks positive. That’s a good sign.
Dr. Hendricks is smiling too. “We’re testing out a new chemotherapy technique, and I think it might work well for Taylor, the Japanese have had good results with their efforts at this.”
Taylor leans against me with a shiver. I give him my hand to squeeze lacing my fingers in with his. He manages a hard swallow then asks. “What is it?”
“Venom chemotherapy.”
We both give her these huh looks.
“Certain toxic animals and insects and arachnids are very toxic. There are these ones that like a rattlesnake have a toxin that has a necrotic effect on tissues. We’ve discovered a way that we can harvest a venom derivative that we can feed by using a micro needle and delivering the toxin to the cancer cells directly in very tiny doses that will kill the cancer while we protect the good cells with a ready anti-toxin.”
I say. “That sounds dangerous.”
She nods. “Any surgery is dangerous but we’ll be using reproductive needles used for invitro procedures and we’ll be doing it under really advanced optics, it should work very well if we are very careful with the venom and target only the cancerous cells and be ready with the anti-venom.”
“But even if it does work what’ll be the chances of a relapse.”
“We’re unsure but the CAT and MRI’s from the Japanese tests are very promising. But we’ll have to keep Taylor coming back for further testing.”
“And the dead cancer cells?”
“We’ll strip out what we can using actual surgery but with much smaller implements than we had before and we’ll laser some of the rest using a fiber optic laser.”
“What’ll be the side effects?”
“He’ll have some varying but temporary side effect much like the symptoms he has now but more long term until his brain starts to regenerate the cells”
“Regenerate?”
“We’re going to administer a stem cell treatment.”
“I thought that was experimental?”
“It is here in North America, more than other parts of the world. This is a research hospital so we have the green light on procedures such as this. Do either of you have any moral objections to us using this?”
“I don’t…Tay?”
He closed his eyes. His voice sounds strained, like he’s having one of his headaches coming on. “No, not if it gives me a better shot, not if I get to have as much time as I can have with my Jenna.”
I hold him and Dr. Clark comes over and looks him over. “Migraine?”
Taylor nods.
“One to ten?”
“Fifty-three.” He says through clenched teeth.
“Alright, let’s move you a bit.” Him and I move Taylor over to one of the stretchers and get him to lie down and I crawl onto the bed just above him and pull his head onto my lap and I gently brush his hairs out of the way and stroke his temples with the tips of my fingers. The doctor moves away and he turns off the lights and the screens. “We’ll leave you two here for awhile and I can see a few other cases and check in on you later.”

They leave and they close the door mostly shut.

I just keep doing what I’m doing. It’s all I can do. God, I’d so take his pain as my own if I could. Taylor rolls over and cries and moans in pain and buries his face into stomach and starts to cry because it hurts him that much. I hate, that he’s going through this. I hate feeling like I’m not doing enough. I know I can’t just take the pain magically away but just like everyone else who lives with someone they love who’s hurting and suffering. All we can do is hold them, be there for them and sooth them. I close my eyes and just quietly pray for him, ask, to let me take some of it…Please God?

He’s sleeping for awhile when Dr. Clark comes in. “Hey…good he’s sleeping…Did he mention if he’s willing to go ahead with things.”
“Yes he is.” came out muffled from my abdomen. I can’t help but smile.
“Good, Dr. Hendricks will be ready as soon as next week.”
“That soon?” I ask.
“There’s not a big line up for this…yet.”
“Next Monday then.” Taylor says rolling over to look at him.
“Looks like but we’ll want you to stay here for awhile to keep you monitored awhile for adverse effects.”
Taylor looks like he wants to object, but he looks up at me. I’m looking down at him and he reaches up so gently and touches my face and I never even noticed I was crying until I saw a tear run down his finger.
“Yeah, okay Doc, anything, I’ll do anything you want me too…I’m not giving up on her…ever.”
I lean down and kiss him and my tears are dripping on his face even though the smile is one of somebody so…so loved.
“Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.”

Images 23

Chapter 23

It takes us awhile before we’re ready to go. Taylor and I went back to staying in the dark and I just very slowly and very tenderly kissed him while we waited for his migraine to fade away.

My heart is so full right now because he’s willing to do everything they need him to do despite everything he feels about the treatments and the tests and this place.

I’m not sure how long we’re there but Angie comes in to check on us and to actually wake us up. Dad and Hunter are there with her and both are quiet but smiling. I lean down and give Taylor a long deep sweet kiss. He slowly stirs and he’s kissing me back before he’s really even awake. I can tell just by kissing him that he’s feeling better. Then there’s those mountain blue eyes opening and that only Taylor smile.

He sits up and Dad passes each of us a coffee off a tray from Tim’s they’re both small and double-doubles (2 creamers, 2 sugars.) I just take mine white and Tay black but right now they’re both welcome and honestly we’re not that fussy. Actually it’s hot and wet so it kind of tastes good right now.

Dad looks at us. “So, what’s the prognosis?”

I smile after my sip of coffee and look at my Dad. “Dr. Clarke and Dr. Hendricks said they’re electing to go with this venom-chemo-therapy technique and will follow it up with small point radiation therapy and stem cell treatments. I’m going to try to get the specifics on the stuff they’re going to do before we have to get back.”

Dad looks at me with a raised eyebrow. “Stem cells? Are they allowed to do that?”

“There’s a lot more leeway with this being a research hospital and the Canadian government is a lot less paranoid about these things than the USA and some other countries.”

“So when are they going to get started?”

“This coming Monday they said but likely they want Taylor here overnight of Sunday from what they were sounding like the last time we talked to them.”

“That soon?”

“Yeah, like they said there’s really no point in waiting.”

“So what’s the plan and on the agenda for you two until then?”

“Well I’d like to fill everyone in and everything but I think most of the girls and all that were headed home today weren’t they?”

Dad nods. “A lot of them just couldn’t stay and there’s still a few of them up here but we got everything cleaned up and packed so they’re likely at the motel now.”

Taylor looks at me, still looking frazzled and bleary eyed. “Honestly Jen, I just want to go home.”

I lean over and kiss him. Long and slowly and deeply and he returns it and does that hold my face kissing me like we’re in the movies kind of kiss back. I love it that he does that to me. I instantly feel beautiful and special whenever he kisses me like that.

I smile after the kiss and lick my lips. “Yeah, I think that going home would be a great idea myself.”

We get up and gather my things and Hunter looks at us with this long wistful sigh. I smile and ruffle her hair and she squeaks and bats away at my hands. On our way out it’s a quick stop over at the ward clerk for the clinic to get the information packet that the doctors had left for us.

It’s a short drive home and yet when I see it I’m more than glad to be home. With everything that was going on with the wedding and everything it just feels like it’s been too long since I’ve been home. We get out and grab our things and then out of nowhere Taylor scoops me up into his arms. I squeal “Tay!” Then I realize that he’s carrying me across the threshold of our home. I can’t help but smile at the fact he thought of this and I didn’t and just how romantic it is. I wrap my arms around his neck as he carries me like I’m light as a feather which I’m not but it’s still really nice to feel like it though.

We go inside then up the stairs to our apartment and all the way to our bed where he lays me down into and intimate kiss. “Welcome home Mrs. Winters.”

“Mmmn, Y’know I’m glad that we are home.”

“You are? No regrets about not having our honeymoon?”

“Nope, having a honeymoon requires traveling and I’d rather have things over and done with and see where everything’s going to go with your treatments before we make any serious plans to travel anywhere else.”

“I hate that this is going to make us put our lives on hold.”

“Taylor…look at me. It’s not, this who thing is Us taking a huge step forwards, I’d rather have you alive and well and better than not be here at all or have something happen while we were away.”

“Okay then but once I’m better…”

I kiss him long and slow and deeply. “I love the sound of that.”

“What?”

“That you’re going to get better, that you said that.”

“Okay, I’m glad you’re easy to please.” He grins and kisses me, his hands cupping my breasts. I love that too, so much. I love the feeling of his hands on my breasts, so much more satisfying than my own touch. I mean you get this confirmation when you can touch yourself and feel how it’s just…right.

But…There is nothing like being touched like that by another person, a lover, someone that you love takes it to a whole other level. It might just be something in my head but it’s so different in the best way. Then again, I feel the same way about being married. I mean I’m a transgendered girl that has her breasts being lovingly kissed, nuzzled, nibbled and suckled by her husband.

It so takes things to this other level at least emotionally.

Things just kind of naturally start to get more intense, I’m tugging his clothes off. He’s pulling off my shirt and runs his hands over my lace cupped breasts and slowly teases me, playing with my bra straps, easing them off my shoulders while he cups me, tastes me.

Seconds or a beautiful eternity later I’m schooching my bum off the bed so he can undo my jeans and inch them off of my hips. It gets more fun after that and just so…I love the feeling of my husband, my Taylor inside of me. We make love, long and slow in our own bed it’s amazing and it’s tender and sweet and yes I get there but even as amazing as it is I still feel that need, that kind of ache in my lower waist that he should be inside of me in a totally different way, the way that he should be inside of me. It doesn’t hurt me inside as bad as it used to that need, that ache to be complete but it’s still there, it’s always there. But being made love too, being actually held and loved makes it a lot more bearable.

God…To go through this without him, without that love and support that Taylor gives me. I’m not sure if I’d be strong enough to go through it. That year and a half on my own, alone and still even in transition and living as a girl. It was hell; it is hell for so many of us. You sit there…anywhere and you see real females just being themselves and they just look so…them, complete. Even if they’re not really the best looking of women they still get to be who they are. They get the entire package for good and for bad.

We, I wanted and want that so bad. Even as good as my life has turned around. I feel incomplete. I want the cramps; I want the mood swings and the bloating and all of it. I’ve no actual idea of what it feels like but I can sometimes even feel my insides are wrong.

There are days even now, I ache to have a womb and tubes and ovaries. Its hell…and only other Trans people can really feel that suffering.

I doze and it’s a little fitfully, I’m worried actually about my own stuff for a change. There’s horrible stories of surgeries going wrong and then others on some of the sites I’m a member of that talk about women who’ve transitioned and they still don’t feel right, that it changed nothing for them really, then there’s the ones who regret even having it done.

I don’t sleep that well, I’m scared that that might end up being me. But like I said, being miserable like this is bearable. I must have been doing something because I’m woken a little by Taylor nuzzling into my neck, then kissing me right by my ear. His strong very well muscled arms wrap around me to hold me tighter and pull me against him a little more as he spoons with me. He whispers in my ear. “Jen? Honey, are you alright?”

I love that, I love being called honey, I love that he noticed this even as we were sleeping. I love that he is asking me. That… him just holding me like this makes it bearable, survivable.

“No, not really. It’s nothing bad it’s just me thinking too much about things.”

“Like what?”

“Me, what might happen when I go under the knife. Not the surgery, well some of it is but the fact that I might not actually feel any more like the girl that I’m supposed to be than I do now.”

“Oh…What brought this on?”

“Us making love.”

“Oh….why?” He sounds concerned, a little confused and hurt.

“Tay, no it’s nothing that you’re doing. It’s me. I really can’t help but think about how much I want you inside me the right way….Y’know like the other girls.”

“Jen, you know that doesn’t matter to me.”
I roll over in his arms so I can look at him. “Taylor it’s not like that, it’s a me thing, it’s something that I want, need so badly Taylor it gets to me that I’m not the person my mind is saying that I am.”

“So it’s nothing that I did?”

“No silly, it’s just something that people like me go through.”

“Girls.”

“What?”

“Girls like you. You said people.”

“Girls are people.”

“Jenna…You know what you meant, I know what you meant, please don’t do this to yourself. It hurts when you run yourself down.”

I look down and actually rest my forehead on his chest. I can’t help but shake a little. I’m feeling kind of fragile and exposed. “Sorry Tay, I know it shouldn’t be like this, I’m sorry.”

He tilts my head up by my chin and looks at me. “Do you go through this stuff all the time?” I shake my head. I love that he made the distinction between going through this when there’s a lot of people that’d have said “Doing this.” That helps me open up that hurt place inside, look him in the eyes.

“No, not all the time but It happens. I can’t not go there sometimes…”

“It get’s pretty bad doesn’t it?”

“Yeah…” My throat’s tight with emotion and there’s tears. I never thought that we’d talk about this.

“You were in this kind of headspace when all that stuff happened the day of the accident right?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“You know I love you right?”

“Yeah, and Taylor I’d never get through this without that love you know.”

“The fact that you say that scares the hell out of me Jenna.”

“Sorry…”

“No, don’t…This is who you are and you’d never be this amazing person and amazing girl. Without being who you really are, who you used to be, and everything that you’ve gone through and are going through.”

I look at him and he’s looking at me with those mountain blue eyes of his. His gaze is searching, looking for something in me. God love him he’s really trying to get this. How did I get so lucky?

“You really want to know about this?”

“Of course I do. I love you Jenna, I love you and this is something really hard that you’ve been going through for a long time. You’ve been there and you know the stuff going on with me and my stuff. I want to know this stuff, what’s hurting you sometimes and getting it. I need to get all of the stuff going on with you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah I do, You’re my wife. The love of my life, we’re in this for real beautiful. For Better or Worse right?”

“Okay…”

We actually get up and take a shower together and it’s actually only just after midnight. There’s the usual kissing, and touching, washing each other but we don’t really get physical. Taylor goes to our kitchen and downstairs as I get online and I start going through several of the sites getting things ready for him.

***
Taylor’s Bit….

It’s been a long week and an even longer day. I hated every second in the hospital, I hated the tests and the machines and all of that stuff to go with it. I look down at my painted toenails and smile. It looks ridiculous, especially on my feet.

Jen was right though, I was embarrassed long enough to get through that damned machine. I really don’t have the words to express just how much her being there means to me.

I’m so in love with this girl. It’s not the looks even though she is beautiful if not a bit too skinny still, I’m working on that. She’s got strong shoulders but not like you’d expect if you knew she used to play football. Long legs, god I love those long go on forever legs of hers. Beautiful eyes and a thousand watt smile. I miss her long hair though; I think that we both do.

It’s her heart though that tells me who she is though. It’s that girl’s heart that’s the reason I married her. She is so much more loving, and compassionate and romantic than anyone I’ve ever met. She looked past the stuff going on with me and everything and she still dared to actually love me. I’ve seen her be a big sister, a friend to other girls, a daughter, a grand daughter, a loving niece even. Jenna’s heart is so big it amazes me. Even after all the horrible stuff she’s been through that she still has her faith in God, just says so much about her.

But tonight this stuff going on in her head its stuff I’ve kind of knew that was there but at the same time I’ve never really thought about it. I mean what she’s had to go through and some of the things that her friends that came to the wedding have and are going through.

I love her; so I need to know these things. The stuff about her that’s weighing on her mind on her heart. I need to get it, so tonight I’m asking.

I make her one of my special coffees in a big mug. Two sugar cubes with a few drops of chicory extract on them, then a shot of Teachers highland cream whisky, then some black coffee and just at the end of it I float a bit of heavy cream on top of it. There’s sometimes nothing like a good Irish coffee. Actually I think teacher's is a Scots whisky so I think Technically it's a Gaelic Coffee but it's still good. Besides I'm from North America we tend to call putting booze in anything is Irishing it up.

I grab a bowl and fill it with some cookies and head into where she’s sitting in our big chair in our bedroom with her laptop on her lap. I take a minute just to drink in the sight of her and how beautiful she is. No make-up, her hair is short but it’s kind of doing that random spiky thing, and she’s in these beat up old red Roots brand track pants and one of my black t-shirts that’s miles too big on her.

That’s another girl thing, if she looks good wearing one of your shirts she can’t be anything but a girl. I don’t care if the plumbing’s messed up it’s one of those universal truth things.

I kiss her and pass her a coffee and she sips it and smiles at me. “It’s the first time I’ve ever had one of these.”

“You like it?”

“Yeah, tonight it’s good. Not something I’d go for too often but yeah Tay, tonight it’s just right.” She kisses me with this Irish coffee flavored kiss and takes a cookie. “Thank you baby.” She get’s up and we move across the hall to or living room and sit of the sofa together. “Here Tay, read some of these.”

I sit and sip my coffee and start to read the different things that she brings up from all these different sites. The most I learn is from the various blogs from all these people that are just like the girls that she invited to our wedding and the stuff in there is…

I honestly had no idea of the amount of pain and the suffering that people like Jen are going through. But also the other stuff that goes with them coming out or transitioning if they’re able too.

The stories, the blogs of these people show me this side of my wife that I never knew existed. There’s knowing but then there’s finding this kind of stuff out. Like how passing is the least of it. That even if you get the surgery and everything that’s no guarantee of being happy. The ostrization from once friends and family, spouses, children even and that’s if things turn out medically alright. Then there’s those that the surgeries go wrong, and cancer and the risks from taking hormones, and still even those psychological issues of still not feeling really female despite everything.

I’m actually reading these pages, and pages and pages of stuff for hours. The amount of people that aren’t with us anymore. There’s memorials for some of those people but there’s just as many with just a footnote on one page or another, and honestly there must be ten times those that never have their voices heard or have lost anyone who would speak for them.

I look at all of this and it hits me like a ton of bricks just really how close I’ve come to losing Jenna, from that night I first met her to her running heartbroken into the traffic and getting hit…I turn to look at her and she’s staring at me…smiling even though I’m crying. I can’t help it, I’ve seen those feels on her face more than once, I’ve seen that expression of her trying to deal with that pain and that deep hurt that she carries inside of her so often really. I get it so much more than I ever thought I would. I’m scared, I’m scared of losing her. What if something does happen, what if something goes wrong, what if she…

“Jen…I had…I didn’t…”

She kisses me, she kisses me then straddles my lap and she kisses me and she’s wiping the tears away from my face with her thumbs and she smiles that beautiful angel like smile for me.

“I love you Taylor Winters, I love you and I’m not going to leave you no matter what.”

This is what love is…

I’m finally learning that this is what love is.

Images 24

Chapter 24

Morning came for once in what felt like in a long time. Oh God you know, other than when I was on my own curled up in depression. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never slept in before. James was always in training or going someplace and after that. I wasn’t really allowed to when I was in the group home and getting off from the strip-club where I waitressed at 4 in the morning and sleeping in didn’t count.

But waking up in my own bed and warm from Taylor’s body heat and the sunshine coming in through our windows. I looked around, took it all in, smiled this big grateful smile then rolled over and enjoyed the press of my breasts into the bed and pulled my pillow under my chin with one arms and draped the other Taylor’s side.

And I drift off to sleep again deliriously happy.

So different after last evenings EMO moments, so changed by Taylor’s wanting to learn about me. Not Just the surface stuff but all of it. I fell in love with him in another completely new way.

It had even changed our lovemaking after that. Tay and I necked for awhile and then with me still on top and made love. It was so different because he was so much more focused of me. I mean not that he isn’t when we make love but…he made this incredible effort to make me feel like a girl, a woman. Having sex is one thing, and it’s a good thing. I mean mechanics aside, I really like sex, and I like sex being the woman. But having him inside me so deeply and filling me with his hardness and his heat and then sitting up and cupping my breasts, touching me just right, teasing just right and soulful and soothing all rolled into one. Then Taylor looking at me with they open look of wonder and love all over his face says/asks. “How did I get to be married to the most beautiful wife in the world?”

It was some of the most beautiful love making we’ve ever had. And even after he scooped me up into his arms and we took a long bath together. I love doing that. It’s one of my fantasy things, one of those romantic things and I love the intimacy of washing and being washed by your partner. Taylor held me facing him and he paid attention to my breasts so much and for so long doing so many different things making me pant, whimper, moan and cry out with my fingers through his wet hair and pulling him hard to my breasts as I “got there.” just by my husband doing amazing things to my breasts.

Even half asleep I feel my nipples harden and crinkle in memory of that. That’s so femme affirming it sinks soul deep. No man can feel that, it so perfect. I nuzzle into the pillow and squirm in that good way in the sheets like a cat blissed out in the laundry basket.

Taylor rolls over and nuzzles into my neck and kisses my neck, my ear and even worries my collar bone sucking on it, nibbling even. He kisses my shoulder and whispers “Stay here.”

I sort of mumble nod as he slips out of bed and pads out. I roll over all the way until I’m face down again but in his warm spot. I clutch his pillow and squeeze it pulling it to me and inhale his scent, reveling in it and the way it sort of hangs there with his body heat. I open one eye just enough to watch his gorgeous butt as he left out bedroom.

More smiles and I bury my face back into his pillow and breathe deeply.

It’s a nice way to start your Saturday. I was still in that state when Tay comes in with a double set of trays and sets out things for breakfast in bed. Or rather the way we like it on the floor. I slip out of bed and use the bathroom and brush my teeth, take my hormones and fix my hair the just slide into one of his t-shirts and a sexy yet comfy pair of panties and join him out on our bedroom floor. He’s got it covered in a couple of quilts and a sleeping bag and the Saturday paper is there waiting to be read and there’s some of those small oranges and this compote of diced up bananas with melted butter and brown sugar and hints of cinnamon and allspice and nutmeg to go with a couple of jams and Mmm…hot fresh baked croissants he’s pouring coffee for us into a French press as I slide into the room and turn on our favorite Pandora channel on the computer then sit down and lean in and kiss him for awhile.

That’s it for the most part of the morning, we sit and cuddle and feed each other bits of hot croissants and drink coffee and read the Saturday morning paper while listening to our favorite tunes and just…Breathe.

Dad and Gram and Gramps show up in the afternoon around two and I actually decide to climb into some clothes and I and Gram hang out doing the laundry, and putting away the different boxes of stuff from my wedding. My dress goes into a special hope chest with some other odds and ends. She got the bed sheets from Taylor and mine's wedding night along with the bottle from the champagne that we had and even our glasses. The funny thing is she stole them from the place. But these are sacred little things for me really so it’s alright.

We do the wash up and it’s nice so some of it goes up to the roof to dry. We book some of the flowers from my wedding to dry and go over the pictures in the office and are scrap booking while I’m running the family book she gave me with all of those recipes in it and I touch them up on the computer and add some of my own to them. Grams get really interested in what I’m doing and we spend a good deal of time playing with the fonts and adding in borders and centering some of the letters and stuff. I put the end copy onto disc and a couple of flash drives. And Grams and I head off to a Kinko’s to get these things printed out and bound together with a soft cover to them. I’m keeping one, there’s one for Hunter and her mom because we’re both pretty sure that it might be looking more and more like dad’s going to be getting married. Lastly there’s one for Grams too. I give her a disc and one of the flash drives so that we have a copy of this in several places. She’s more than happy that we did this and that it’s something that’s going to be there as something solid for the girls in our family.

To make it even more of a cool day, Grams drives me around but between places we stop and she starts to give me driving lessons. By the time we get home I have another idea. I get some of my wedding cake and some of the lobster leftovers and a big box of baked goods from the diner and I take Grams over to Nona’s.

The asshat of a super for the building doesn’t even recognize me as we go into the building and I head up with Grams to Nona’s apartment on the third floor of my old building. I take a breath and knock on the door.

“Que? Who ees eet?”

“Nona, its Jenna you remember me?”

“Yes, yes, I’s remember jus geeve me a meenute ‘K.”

I hear her shuffling around inside and there’s that little bit of singing that she always does even when she’s all by herself or even just walking down the street. You just gotta love somebody that sings all the time. I’ve never understood a word of it, I think it’s Ukrainian or something; she has that kind of eastern European accent to her words. Grams is smiling. “She sounds nice.”

“She’s really great Grams, Nona’s one of the people that when things in my life were the worst she kept me going.”

The door opened to her apartment and Nona half peers and half beams at me before she gives me a big hug.

“Jeni, you louk so goud you getting some meat on you, I tell you you finds you a nice boy weet some meat on your bones, boys like dees too tin preeetey ones but a man, a real man they’s likes a woman with meet on her bones. You louk so goud! Come een, come een. Who ees your friend?”

“Nona, this is my grandmother, my father’s mother. I’ve told her about you and we just had to come and visit you.”

Grams smiles and extends her hand and gets a hug in return. “Eees goud, ees goud. I’s tells Jeni that the bestest rule in life ees that family ees everything.”

Grams nods as she hugs Nona back. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Nona let’s her go and beckons us inside shuffling along with her cane saying “Come, Come we haves tea and have the nice visit.” I stifle a giggle as she suddenly reminds me of a little bent over TG Yoda from Empire Strikes Back.

We sit with her in her filled to the brim with knick knacks and brick a brac apartment and Nona serves us up some tea in this beautiful old china set and serves us bagels and cream cheese with a bunch of other fixings. We talk about my wedding, show her the pictures and we see pictures of her wedding. Nona was a lithe little raven haired beauty back then, a Ukrainian girl she came to Canada just after the end of WW2.

It’s really something to see her come to life with our visit. And we stay for a few hours actually even going over the family cookbook a little and she left and comes back with a bunch of books that have really seen better days. “Here ya, dees ares the bouks from my family, these haves all the family recipes eens them. Could you do Nona up some bouks like you haves made? I cood sends them to my children and grandchilds and they’re childrens ya.”

I hug her and take them. “I’d love to Nona, you’ve done so much for me it’d be an honor.”

“Gouds, gouds, you take and make copy for yourself so you kin make goud foods for your restaurant, you can’t get goud Ukraine foud here in the city no more.”

“Thank you so much Nona, I’ll do that. I think I’ll love cooking your food.”

We hug and we kiss and she walks us down to the front doors of the building and I give her my phone number and my cell phone number and Taylor’s too and Grams does too. I promise to try to not be a stranger as much as before.

Grams and I go for a coffee and to pick up some Chinese food for supper as take out and she lets me drive there and back. I’m getting better and I did this with my step-bastard back when I was James it’s just everything hit and happened when I was still fifteen and I never had the chance to get my license.

We get a bunch of stuff and Grams is on the phone to home and Holly and Nin are coming over to do their washes and Tim and the kids and Davey, plus Dad’s having Angie and Hunter over so we decide on getting a lot of food. I order the egg rolls and wontons raw and uncooked because they’re better right out of the deep fryer so I’ll cook them up at the diner. Honey garlic, dry garlic, orange ginger ribs and wings, four different fried rice’s and five different orders of chow mien, and pepper steak. I love chow mien, even if it’s just the veggies I’ll eat it cold right out of the take out box. I get a lot of fortune cookies and a bunch of other stuff and we’re greeted by the mob of family and friends…no just family and extended family as we come in arms full of bags and good smells. I’ve got Molly hanging onto my waist hugging me as I pass bags around and I look around with a great big I love this sigh.

As soon as my arms and torso are free Taylor pulls me into his arms and kisses me passionately. There’s just something so good about being wanted like that, to feel your guys strong hands gripping you just hard enough to let you feel that he really wants you, misses you and yet he loves you so it’s all gentle and loving at the same time. I love the way he kisses me and the strength that’s there and sultriness that most people assume is just a female thing but god Taylor has it in spades.

Sweet, caring and loving guy he is but there’s also this guy who’s been through so much tragedy with his parents, then getting sick and getting to the point where he felt like nothing mattered and he ran wild, did things, got locked up for it, lost the last of his family and somehow kept it together.

Oh, f-me I have a thing for a bad boy. Just how teenaged girl is that.

But then there’s the fact that he’s kissing me with those guy strong lips you know edged with that hint on beard and moustache they get about a day before they start to get that really heavy scruff on. The hints of his soap and his own natural scent. I’m so not sure where or how pheromones work or take a place in the TG brain but they seem to tell my brain at least….uhm, yay! I’m a girl!....Mmm, pretty boy smell nice.

Yeah, kissing Taylor is nice really nice. My husband, mine all mine.

We all get together and troop up actually to our apartment with all of the family in tow and Taylor fries up the egg rolls and wontons and stuff and we set up everything just to hang out and eat in our living room. Angie and Dad put in some DVD’s and we sit down to watch movies together as a family talking and eating and laughing and having fun.

There’s this really great time when the guys are doing the dishes and plating chess in the kitchen and talking where Grams and Me, Nin and Angie and Hunter and Holly and Molly are all curled up together on the couch in blankets all girl snuggly as we watched these Barbie animated movies and just girled out and then we watched Ella Enchanted after that. It was a really cool girl bonding moment. It gives me this lift of being a real girl and the fact that this is my family. I look at Hunter and she looks at me and despite the differences in our ages I think we’re feeling much of the same thing. She wipes at a few happy tears and I pull her into a hug.

I’m so throwing a girls slumber party every once in awhile I think.

It’s actually about nine by the time that we see everyone to their cars and said our goodnights and give out our hugs and close the place up. Taylor scoops me up into his arms and carries me upstairs. I laugh because this, this is fun for me. He kisses me and says. “How about you give me some time and let me run you a bubble bath while you find something super sexy to put on.”

He says in so close so sexy and softly in my ear but almost against my neck just him doing that gets my nipples hardening. I stare at him in his eyes and he really wants this. I kiss him and smile and I slip out of his arms to go and find myself some of my prettier lingerie. I’ve got a nice little collection started from shopping at my bachelorette party and with my short sassy hair I go for that classic black French lace. I take my make up and everything with me.

Oh…by the time I’m in the bathroom Taylor has the bubble bath run and some scented candles lit and beside the tub is out folding TV tray but there’s a nice towel covering it up and a martini shaker there and a chocolate martini along with a selection of single serving dark chocolates like Dove, and Lindt and some of those other expensive ones you see in the drugstores not too far from the aisles where you find the make-up selections and the feminine hygiene stuff. Hey good chocolate is a must for so many women myself included.

He’s gone all out and he’s even got some of my favorite women singers playing from the I-pod on its little stand. Diana Krall, Chantal Kreviazuk, Jan Arden, Mellissa Etheridge, Bonnie Raite, Sarah McLachlan…a few others.

I enjoy the drink, and I go all out myself even as I soak in the bubble bath and sip at my drink. It’s pretty good but I’m not a big drinker when it comes to this kind of thing. The two glasses that’s there is more that enough for me. I really enjoy the chocolates though, I really liked the two that were dark chocolate with the caramel drizzle on top but they had the flakey crystals of sea salt on top of them…Wow. It just does something for me in my brain. It might be just psychosomatic but I don’t care….it’s sooo good.

After a long soak I hit the scrubbing and use body wash and shower poof and such to get rid of anything that might be dead skin. I shave in the places I need to and touch up other spots with Nair. I drain and refill the tub and then use some of the body mud and facial stuff and just let in kind of sink in and saturate where it needs to as I give myself a mani and a pedi. Another soak washes it all away and I rub myself down with my Nivea and then a bit of baby oil before a few last touches of powder, I tease my hair to this kind of rocker short haired look sort of like the one that singer Pink sports and do my make up going a little heavy on the eye shadow and mascara and a little red French coquette in my lipstick, I make my nails and toenails to match, I put of a bit of nice perfume it’s actually scent cue Amber by Avon and it’s a nice scent. I’m dressed in a black lace corset top that pushes my girls up just nicely and boy cut panties in black lace and those black stocking with the stay up elastic tops concealed in the band of lace. Matching sandal styled open toe black three inch heels.

“Tay…?”

“Yeah Jen?”

“I’m ready.”

“So am I.”

I notice it’s darkened out in the apartment and I reach over and turn off the bathroom light before I try my best to glide out of the bathroom. My eyes can’t help but go wide at the sight of the place.

I don’t know where he got all the candles but all over the apartment are white candles and a few red ones of every shape and size and there’s just a few of them that are scented in a mixture of smells and scents that fill the air with hints of roses and lily and vanilla, none of it cloying or overpowering with a couple of our windows open just enough for ventilation but and to let out some of the heat. There’s a lot of candles, dozens and dozens of them.

Taylor’s there just in these black satin boxers and his black silk tie from his tuxedo and looks freshly shaved and showered his hair’s just damp enough that it’s doing that amazing curly wavy dreamy thing and he’s smiling at me with a single long stemmed rose in his hand.

Then the music starts and it raises gooseflesh over my body in a good way as I hear the opening score of the Flamingos as they start to sing “I’ve only got eyes for you.” I start to melt as soon as that music touches my heart and my heart jumps in time with that little doowop thing at the start of the song. He walks over and gives me the rose and takes my hands and starts to dance with me.

“My love must be a kind of blind love.”

“I can’t see anyone but you.”

“Are the stars out tonight?”

“I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright.”

“I only have eyes for you, dear.”

“The moon may be high.”

“But I can’t see a thing in the sky.”

“I only have eyes for you.”

“I don’t know if we’re in a garden.”

“Or on a crowded avenue.”

“You are here, and so am I.”

“Maybe millions of people go by.”

“But they all disappear from view.”

“And I’ve only got eyes for you.”

My god there are times when Taylor just seems like he’s got this old romantic soul that you’d only really read about in those romance novels and stuff. It’s just so intensely old school. There are times where I think that he’s got to be the most romantic guy in the world.

Everything is just perfect with that song and his arms around me and the really sexy, adored, safe, wanted and treasured feelings all swirling around inside of me and around me as we dance and gently touch each other and kiss, lots and lots of these kisses. Soft and sweet, he lingers just so…with each one like he’s committing each and every one of them to his memory. Everyone wants to be kissed like that.

And each one of those kisses proves that my faith is something so real. It’s so easy to find your center, to find your belief when kisses can be miracles.

I’m not really sure how long we’re dancing but we dance through some of the best songs in my relationship with him. Each one of these songs has so much meaning to me and I think for us really.

“Open arms.” By Journey.
“That’s how strong my love is.” By Otis Redding.
“You’re in my heart.” By Phil Collins yes I know it’s a Disney song but I love it.
“I’ll be there for you.” By Bon Jovi
“Better than Chocolate/Long way down.” By Sarah McLaughlin.
“Angel eyes.” By Jeff Healey
“Kiss from a rose.” By Seal

We finish dancing to that song and retire to our bed where he and I make really long and slow and passionate love for actually hours. I’m sure with the way he’s able to keep going that he’s had some little blue help and this time there’s lots of lubricant and lots of foreplay before and during …especially during.

There’s this point right in the middle of it all where Taylor just buries himself inside of me and he just starts doing other things. There is a point where it’s sublime sensual overload for me. I will always love my lingerie. Why? Because Taylor makes it work I mean I love it because of the way that it makes me feel all sexy and really feminine but Taylor uses it, he feels it, feels me through it and uses it just like the best props. I shivered as his hands traveled my stocking cover thighs, palms the sometimes the ever so slight drag of his fingernails over the sheer smoothness.

Or the way that he’d just slip his thumbs under the lacey elastic and caress what’s underneath of it and more, the way that he’d ask me to run my legs over his back when they were wrapped around him or the almost purr that he’d make as I ran them over his ribs, slip them over his shoulders when we changed positions.

The same for the satin and lace panties I was wearing. His hands would glide and slide over their surface, sometimes his fingertips would play in the intricacies of the lace. The way that his hands and fingers would tease under the taut places with illicit promises and the fact that he used the tautness of them and them holding in my uhm y’know so it was so like a real mound. But there was this whole point of him rocking ever so inside me them pulled aside from behind and there was this incredible sensation building as he rubbed me there, I wasn’t hard but there was this feeling that I could only imagine as what…what…what…a real, what a GG must feel as she’s get rubbed right.

It just kept building, and building his hand, rubbing the lace, the satin, just the fact that they were panties and the sliding and the sensations like the rubbing was a mantra if only a silent one…rub, rub, rub, rub, rub…and my mind kept saying girl, girl, girl, girl…Girl!

And I creamed, blasted off and in and…Climaxed, full on GG like climax really hard.

And my corset top, was this game of touching me through it. He’d tease my nipples, my breasts and suckle on them and he’d put things back, gnaw and suck and tease me through the cups and took far, far too long to take me out of it. But it was tantalizingly good torture the entire time.

And as he’s not really making love to me but he was. He was doing lots and lots of those male kagel things and he’d roll his hips and move in and out an inch or two during that whole time lighting me up all electric and crying out as he took me to new places and feelings and stuff.

But after that, after my blood was boiling with need and this deep desire for him I went into this passionate needy place, that had me on my back, my legs wrapped around him tightly and so lost in the tides of the feelings and orgasm after orgasm and ones unlike I’ve ever felt before washing through me. I pant and I beg and I demand more, I demand/pleas for deeper, harder, faster…Every time he fills my with his cream it gets messier but easier and more slick and more delicious.

When he’s done and I’m done we spoon and I’m lying on my side. I’m pulling his arms around me as I really, really need him, need to be held because I’m shaking so hard that I think I’m going to fly apart. My breathing at first so near me hyperventilating. I’m so, so…charged that even three or four minutes later of this Taylor’s leg slides up my stocking one and one of his hands squeezes a breast and a nipple and I have the last almost no volume, almost painful and unexpected little orgasm. Just from that touch, the way that he touched me.

It’s never, never been this intense. I’m just panting and breathing and I’m trying to think but there’s these little mental sparks not really but it’s one of those things where I’m so full of adrenaline and endorphins and my hormones are just racing all together with this really potent combination and I’m flushes from it and riding a high, but not a high but real GG female full on afterglow. It’s minutes…half an hour of just lying there tears running down my face before I can speak.

“Taylor…thank you…that was, this was just so incredible.” I’m sniffling.

He leans over me and looks at me and he reaches out then he wipes some of those tears away and there’s tender concern there. “Are you?”

“I’m fine baby, I’m more than fine I’m just so caught up in everything Tay. This was amazing, beyond that even, perfect…it was just perfect.”

“Even…?” I know what he’s asking.

“Yes, Even. This was perfect.” I sit up and kiss him slowly and deeply. He settles back down beside/behind me and wraps me up into his arms and slowly kisses the nape of my neck and the side of my neck and settles into me.

“I wanted to do this tonight honey, I don’t know what’s going to happen Jen, I wanted this honeymoon moment for us at least before whatever the treatments are going to end up doing to me.”

“Thank you Tay, this, this has been something that you’ve given me that I could never have dreamed of for myself. You do that so much for me all the time. I swear that I’m dreaming all of this sometimes.”

“No Jenna, If anyone’s got to be dreaming honey it’s me. You’ve given me more than anyone has ever given me in my whole life. You gave me hope, you gave me love, you gave me the will to live…I’m so scared of all of this stuff Jen and when I’m just on the edge of freaking out you’re there and I look at you and I just know that it’s going to be alright.”

“Of course I’m going to be here, I love you. I know what love is because of you. I’m not going to leave Tay, I’ll never leave you.”

“Promise?”

“I Promise.”

He tightens his arms around me and I push back into him and he nuzzles my body and murmurs. “Lets get some sleep honey, I don’t want to be late for church.”

My eyes flicker open and I turn my head to look at him. “Church!?”

“Yes church, I looked up a few places and found a few friendly places for us to try and go to.”

“Really? But you’re not y’know good with faith. I mean I don’t want to say I don’t want to go but are you sure?”

“I’m sure, if you can find something in all of that and still believe in something after everything that you’ve been through then I can at least give it a chance. Besides it’s something that’s special to you and y’know you’re my wife, it’s like the other stuff it’s something I want to know about learn about.”
“You really are wonderful y’know.”

“Well just in case it doesn’t take honey then maybe you can put in a good word for me then.”

“Definitely.”

I fall into this beautiful sleep. It’s probably the best sleep I’ve had in a long time.

***
Taylor say’s that the service starts at Mills Woods United Church at ten o’clock and I’m all nervous and sore, really sore but in a good way. I woke up at eight thirty and showered got cleaned up and took my hormones, vitamins and actually manage a bit of toast and a cup of tea before I get my personal bible and get dressed, okay I get dressed three times before settling on a nice mostly white but floral decorated dress and a set of cream colored hose and a nice jacket.

I’m nervous as we go there and Taylor’s looking good in a nice pair of jeans and a dress jacket with a button down shirt and even a tie.

The thing is going here we’re not alone, Dad and Angie and Hunter are going too and Gramps and Grams are coming with us and once we get there Taylor holds my hand as we go in and we’re greeted at the door with a friendly welcome and find ourselves some seats in this very nice church building. The seating is chairs and we sit and listen to the service.

Now I like it, There’s a touch of Old Testament and mostly things from New Testament and several readings from Psalms which is my favorite part of the bible. The sermon of the day is talking about hope and how we can help ourselves and others by being the message. I liked the message that they gave that the true bulk of Jesus’s message was as much the way he lived as what he said and that’s something we’re all able to do. It wasn’t too preachy and there’s even a wonderful choir of mixed volunteers. Gramps and Grams are having a good time and I’m having a good time and I can feel it y’know. Not this profound miracle or anything but this warmed from within feeling that kind of says Welcome back.

Taylor’s quiet, he holds my hand a lot and he shifts a bit now and then. He listens, he takes it all in but I can tell this really isn’t hitting home for him. Y’know that’s alright. We get out a bit before diner time and we spend a few minutes talking to the staff and the reverend and a few of the other people there that come up to us. There is a real mixture of people here, even a few openly together same sex partners. There are a few things that get his attention and that’s mostly the charity stuff they do and he takes a few of the brochures they have there. I can’t help but smile at him doing that and even doing this whole morning for me.

We leave and head back home to a family Sunday dinner that Holly and Njinda got started and we have turkey and all the fixings and we get together and talk and the kids play together and it’s just a good day. It’s a really good day, it’s a good afternoon.

It’s kind of quiet though that evening as we pack up a few things to go to the university hospital. As things keep going I can feel Taylor’s dread and his nerves building up and I hold his hand as dad drives us there and we get him signed in. Taylor smiles at me a really shaky smile and we kiss a lot as we settle in. There’s no one telling me that I shouldn’t be here or that I should go home and get a good nights sleep.

I settle in for the night with a visitors cot in Taylor’s room and I brought my laptop and we try to watch a few movies to distract him from everything, from being here. I don’t even sleep in the cot they gave me to use. I find room in his bed and curl up next to my guy. We fall asleep together. Tay holds me a little tighter than before, I’m good with that.

I’m going to get him through this no matter what.

I hold him tightly too as he falls asleep in my arms. “I’ll get you through this Taylor, I’ll get you through this.” and I just barely sing to him.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Images 25

Chapter 25

I get woken up at about quarter to seven in the morning as the nurse comes in and she starts to wake us up. The lab tech comes in just after that and then takes a bunch more blood samples from Taylor and then we’re pretty much left alone until twenty minutes after that when everyone shows up. Grams, Gramps, Dad, Angie and Hunter, Holly and Tim and the kids as well as Njinda and her Mom with Davey, Billy lands in with Kendal? And there’s even Dallas there with some guy too. Taylor looks overwhelmed by it and I think he might have been moved to tears by all the people that’ve showed up to support him. Not just my side of things but the people that I’ve met through him.

I kiss him and run my fingers through his hair enjoying the sensation while I can. I kiss him a lot despite everyone being there. “Wow, y’know we’ve got a bigger family than I thought.”

He looks at me then just slowly all around us like he’s taking it all in. there’s a bit of a smile on his face after that. “Yeah, I guess you’re right hon.”

We just be ourselves, I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but it is a bigger thing than most people think about. We talk and do the family thing when they come for him around eight, there’s rounds and rounds of kisses and hugs and Taylor and I leave with the orderlies. We go and they say where we’re needed to be. And we head back down to medical imaging for the final headshots in the CAT scan and the MRI machines.

Doctor Clarke and Dr. Hendricks are both there going over everything with a first hand eye seeing everything there is to see for what they want and there’s another two Doctors there as well and there’s a stream of medical jargon being used.

Tay’s freaking out quite a bit and even the mild tranquilizer that they gave him isn’t helping him much. I’m talking him down or trying too and I threaten to paint his toe nails again. That helps. He gets embarrassed at me even bringing it up.

“Y’know honey I think that you’d look really cute of I did then in purple this time.”

“Jenna!”

“Hmm? Of I’ve got this really cute shade that’s purple pearl.”

“Jenna, no you’re not doing that again.”

“Do what?” Doctor Hendricks asked looking over our way.

“Oh I though I’d paint Taylor’s toes while he’s captive in the beauty doughnut.”

She chuckles. “What colors?”

“Oh I was thinking of doing them in either passion pink, or purple pearl.”

He growls. “Jenna…I know where you live.”

Dr. Hendricks coos. “She knows where you sleep.”

Taylor huffs at her. “Doc, I’m a cook. Do you know what I can do to your food?”

And it kind of goes like that for awhile making this kind of gallows styled humour in the face of the operation. Once the scans are complete we head off to the whole pre-surgery area where they get him to shower and they wash his hair after then they shave off his shoulder length golden locks. Aside from it being paler skin he actually looks not too bad with his head shaved. Then come out the markers and they start drawing lines on him and then all too soon he’s off to surgery.

One of the orderlies comes for me and Dad as well as Angie and he takes us up to the operating theatre. They get me close to the microphone so I can talk to him if they need me too. They’re not putting him under, he’s getting sedation but they’re not putting him under. They put head phones on him to listen to music while they cut open his head so he can’t hear the saw…It’s the biggest part of me not being able to watch. Dad’s there to hold me as I hug him and cry on him. I’m scared and more than freaking out. There are a few other times where I can’t watch as the bulkier, actual chunks of tumor are removed and taken from his head.

Its seven long hours that he’s in there with them in just the surgery alone. There’s Dr. Hendricks with this big machine that hangs over him like and x-ray machine’s camera head. She’s looking in some kind of visor thing and has these handset controls like a joystick and she’s controlling a robotic set of arms that are using different instruments that click into the hand areas like these tiny little knives and hooks and there’s even needles and a laser.

I knew there are real medical lasers, but somehow part of me had always thought of them as stuff on TV or in science fiction. The needle Angie tells me is the venom she thinks and the laser is being used both on small little cancer filaments as they find them and to cauterise where they need it.

Every thirty minutes she trades off with the other doctor called Dr. Cullins and they finish a task before letting the next one take his turn. Angie explains that they’re doing this to avoid fatigue and eye strain and from getting too tired. The whole micro-surgery thing is really stressful and very detail specific work and this is the safest way to do it all the while having Dr. Clarke and Dr. Long (the anaesthesiologist.) being look-outs for any trouble that might happen along the way.

God I’m all nerves through the entire thing. I’m more and more relieved as they close up and they use a bunch of stuff that I’ve got no idea to put him back together and then they dress him with stuff and bandages and replug him with new IV’s and then we’re off to post op.

I’ve got to get cleaned up and into some clean stuff if I want to be with him in Post Op. So I shower down with this pink smelly soap that’s kind of tingly on my skin then its scrubs a hair cap and booties and gloves. It’s a bit new to me but unless I want to wait for him in the waiting area instead of by his bed it’s this to keep infection from getting into the area.

I’m allowed my phone after it get’s a sprizt and a wipe with disinfectant and I net surf and watch some stuff online as he’s out of it. In truth I just spend most of that time holding his hand and watching him occasionally getting teared up.

We’re together, Me and Taylor and the thought of it still takes some getting used too. He’s such a beautiful guy, he’s not perfect but to me he’s just right. And there’s that am I just dreaming this quality to my life sometimes you know. When I started changing to become myself one of the things I had to deal with wasn’t just what had been done to me but the fact that because I was TG that I might very well spend my life alone and lonely.

I’m still amazed at the fact that he chose me. I’m still trying to believe that there were girls who dumped him and left him because he was sick. That gets me mad too if I think too long about that. If you say you love some one you done leave because they’re sick. I mean who does that?

It’s like this miracle that’s just mine and mine alone when I see his eyes open and then he looks at me and smiles. There’s all this tenderness there and love and he blinks those eyes at me and says.

“Hi?”

“Hi back Handsome.”

He blinks at me again. “Handsome huh?”

“Yes very.”

“And you are?”

“I’m………You don’t know?”

“Sorry, I haven’t the foggiest…”

“Taylor….”

“Nice to meet you Taylor.”

“No…No...I’m Not Taylor you’re Taylor, I’m Jenna!” OhshitOhshitOhshit!!! “Doctor!?”

I get up to leave the little cubicle place were the bed is and I’m so panicking. I’m just about past the curtain when I hear the muffled laugh. I turn and he has his hand over his mouth to stop from laughing.

“You!” I yell, sort of quietly shout at him. “You fucker!”

He starts laughing at me. I go over and sit on the side of his bed; he’s got head trauma nothing else so I hit him a few times punching his shoulder. “Taylor Winters! That’s so not funny, you’re a jerk you know that! A jerk!” I’m crying a little I’m that mad at him.

“Jen…Jen.., Ow, Jenna cut it out.”

“I should hit you harder for that you ass.”

“I couldn’t help it, with the brain surgery thing it was too tempting to pass up.”

“You’re an ass!”

“Yeah but I paid you back for the toenail polish.”

“Asshole! I did that to help you!” I’m so exasperated right now but the grin, the smile on his face it’s hard to stay mad at him. Taylor pulls me down into a long deep passionate kiss.

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs as he kisses me.

“Jerk.” I murmur back around his kiss.

We’re kissing when Dr. Clarke and Dr. Hendricks came in the area and started to check him over and asked him if everything was okay. I stare at them then at him then kind of huff. “Oh I think he might actually have some brain damage.”

Dr. Hendricks looks at me. “What makes you think that?”

“He pretended not to know who I am, like he lost his memory from the operation.”

I frown at him, she frowns at him saying. “It’s not funny to lie about stuff like that, we could have ended up doing something to try and fix a problem that never existed Taylor.”

He’s still smiling and of course Dr. Clarke is chuckling along with him. “Classic, amnesia after brain surgery. I wish some of the other patients were that funny.” He says and actually shakes Taylor’s hand.
I stare at her and her at me then we both give Taylor and Dr. Clarke the stare and frown, and then nod at each other. “Men.” We both kind of growl out in that ticked off girl united thing. Then she looks at me. “Coffee?” I nod. “Sure, I could use a break from the comedy hour.” We leave heading off to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee.

We meet everyone just outside the post-op waiting room and tell them that we’ve going for a coffee and maybe something to eat. They ask how he is and I go over the whole practical joke thing. Dad and Gramps and Grams plus Hunter and Njinda don’t thing it’s funny and Angie and Holly think its really funny and so does Billy. The others are just glad that he seems to be doing better. Dr. Hendricks does smile at all of us.

“Taylor might be feeling an inflated sense of relief now that it’s all done and over with so he’s feeling a bit giddy maybe, the fact that he is able to joke about the entire thing is a good sign actually after all there was a lot of tumor tissue there and it had been applying a lot of pressure on his brain in places.”

Dad asks. “How much is a lot?”

“We weighted it in altogether at around five hundred and eighty grams.”

“Is that a lot?” I ask.

Dad nods and whistles. “That’s close to a pound honey.”

“A pound….Out of his head…Is he going to be okay?”

“Hopefully yes, I know it sounds like a lot but the tumor was quite spread out actually and we were lucky with a lot of it growing on the surface of his brain more than any other place. His bad migraines were most likely from the pressure between the tumor and his skull and it pushing pressure onto his brain.”

Angie nods and looks at her. “Were you able to get all of it?”

Dr. Hendricks nods. “We got every thing that we could see and that was a lot using the micro-surgery tools and then the venom we used was able to necrotize the areas that we thought would be hardest and most riskiest to attempt surgery to, then we flushed those areas and then used the fibre optic laser to finish things off.”

Dad asks. “I’m still not getting the venom thing.”

She nods. “It’s still experimental but we use small micro injections of venom much like the toxins in a rattlesnake that necrotizes the tissue when bitten. We directly inject these small amounts into the cancerous cells and let them work at poisoning the cancer tissue while we use the laser to cauterize the area connecting to the cancer grown to keep the toxic from spreading and it kills the cancer in a more organic way.”

“Won’t some of the toxins or the venom still get through?”

“Some, minor amounts really and we do flush and suction the dead cells away from the body instead of letting them just get absorbed by the body. If we were going to se a reaction it would have happened by now and we have an anti-venom dose ready.”

I nod. “So what’ll come after this?”

She smiles at us. “We wait a week, give him time to start healing and look at the other side effects that might come up, we do some tests after that and see if we either have to go with radiation or chemotherapy or to go ahead with the stem cell treatments but I’m really optimistic that things are going well.”

“So you’ve done this before? You’ve got an idea of what to look for?”

“Taylor’s my ninth patient with this technique so far.”

“And they’re all?”

“They’re all doing well.”

I look her in the eyes searching her just…and I can just sort of feel it. She knows what she’s doing. There’s no attitude like some doctors I’ve had to deal with. It’s this strange deep feeling that I’m getting from her. It’s like when you just know when someone is just…

I can almost see the need in her to make things better, to heal people in her eyes, even the way that she’s standing there and looking at me. It was a lot like when I first saw myself in the mirror it was just clear as daylight to me. Like knowing that my Dad was really my Dad just by looking at him, in his eyes.

I give her and handshake and a huge smile. “Thank you, thank you so much for the chance that you’ve given us and other people.”

She smiles and returns the handshake; it’s a really different thing an honest handshake between women. There’s a sort of power inherent in that respectful gesture or at least it feels like that to me. “It’s what I was meant to do, I lost my little girl April to a tumor nobody could treat when she was just six. Instead of just drowning in my guilt and grief over it I switched to this. I just couldn’t finish my training in peads.”

I can see the loss there and yet a source of strength there too. I can’t help but to hug her and she hugs me and there’s some tears there by the two of us and some of the others too. Then she dries her eyes. “I could use a coffee for sure now.”

I sniffle and nod. “Yes, I think that I could too. My treat.”

I take some orders for the rest of the family and then head down to the cafeteria that’s closer actually to a food court. There is the cafeteria’s food line but the eating area is more communal with a newsstand and a gift shop as well as a Tim Horton’s outlet and a subway sandwich shop….ugh…I hate their food. I get a Greek salad at the cafeteria well it’s make your own but mine has romaine, baby spinach, cherry tomatoes and some onions as well as a lot of olives and crumbled feta cheese. I get a salmon sandwich to go with it and I get a bunch of coffee and doughnuts for everyone upstairs and three boxes of fries and chicken nuggets for Hunter and Holly’s kids.

***
Taylor’s chafing to get out of here. He’s been in the Hospital for five days now and he’s hating it more and more. But he’s been complication free and even his latest scans have been really, really good. He wants out of here but they’re starting him on his first round of the stem cells and he has to stay there another couple of days to see weather or not there’ll be any complications from that. The only thing that’s been keeping him sane is the fact that he’s been working on writing his recipes down on the laptop and I’ve been e-mailing him stuff from the office. That and playing chess or crib or another card game with Dad or Gramps.

It was hard not to stay there every night. I really wanted to do that. I miss him like crazy and sleeping alone really sucks, I’m not used to it anymore and I wear some of his things to bed every night. But there’s a point where life starts back up and everything. I go and see him every day slipping out just after the breakfast rush.

We had to open the diner back up, Holly and Nin need the money, and so do we. The wedding took a lot out of Taylors savings and stuff and I’ve actually don’t have a lot of money yet with the settlements from Dad’s lawsuits in my name not having come in yet.

I’m not holding my breath on that it’s getting money out of the government it doesn’t matter that it’s the province of Quebec or the Federal government they’ll still drag their butts if they have to pay out but if you owe them…yeah the stuff you pick up at work when you hear people complaining about the everyday stuff.

I’m actually the head cook for the diner now that Taylor’s in the hospital. I hired Dallas and Kendal too actually not her guy name that was Kent I think but I hire her since she’s staying at Billy’s place and while she says they haven’t had sex yet they are sleeping together. Apparently they hooked up and hung out at the wedding and they’ve got a lot of shared trauma experiences. It’s also a big help to her esteem that she’s got some work after so long of being without. She was living hand to mouth off of what was left of her unemployment benefits and her savings and each passing month it was draining her transition fund. I have to let her go home this weekend so she can pack up her things that she wants and stuff so she can move up here. But she’s getting paid for it because she’s going to several of the places of the other girls that’ve done up the new staff shirts and the menus and our flyers and posters and stuff that we sort of planned out while they were up here.

On the plus side making it a business trip lets us write a lot of the stuff off which makes it cheaper for us all the way around. Kendal’s over the moon about actually finally after thirty two years that she’s finally getting to start her life.

I’ve no idea if her family knows if she’s doing this or not. I’ve got her hooked up with Marley too who’s stopped by a few times and came out back to the kitchen to help out and we’ll talk, have a session there when I’m too busy to be able to think of anything that might be a barrier to what’s really going on in my head.

We talk a lot actually about the what if. Taylor really gets better, like long tern really better and if there’s a large part of our relationship based on our mutual traumas and what it’s going to mean or be like living together long term.

That and the fact that I’m getting ready for surgery to have my evil little buddies removed. I’m more than thrilled about it in one sense because that seems like it’s another huge step in the right direction for me but I’m afraid of what that’ll mean in our love life and how that’ll effect me sexually.

Yeah, lots of stuff going on.

I do a different menu. I make my cinnamon rolls and do all the regular stuff for breakfast but I added these huge pots and pans of chili, chowder, baked beans with franks, and pan after pan of homemade Mac and cheese. I get those hard paper coffee cups to put them in and add them to the take out orders. I do sandwiches but I do hams, our own take on pastrami, and roast beef but I also buy bulk from one of the “Girls” from the states a big order of cold cuts and stuff so I can do lots of cold cut sandwiches. That stuff arrived yesterday.

Lunch is more of the same only we do three soups. Tomato, A chicken soup of some kind and a mixed soup like minestrone there’s always vegetable soup or soup stock going and that very easily becomes something else. I actually love this, I love cooking and being creative and being in the kitchen and the customers and al the interaction.

Supper menu is usually pastas along with the soups, Shepherds pie with lamb in it because as my Gramps say shepherds didn’t really do the cattle thing so I’m making it authentic as possible. That leaves a lot of stuff to do with the other bits so I make Irish stew and even added stuff that I’d not normally have on the menu like Lamb shanks and Steak and Kidney pie and liver and onions. I even get in a few cases of Guinness in for those who want to try my take on UK food. We advertise it on our website and Twitter and Facebook accounts. I’m surprised at the number of UK ex-pats that showed up last night to try my attempts at it.

I even made Birds? Custard with an extra touch of sugar and vanilla and heavy cream then spun it through the ice cream maker and served it with home made rice pudding or a bread pudding I made. Surprisingly I like rice pudding. I though I’d hate it but it’s actually pretty good.

Yeah, I am so going to get my GED unless I can find a school that’ll let me finish my high school education without returning to high school, and then I want to take a chef’s course. I want to do this for a living. It’s very cool to actually know what you want to do with your life. Transition, get my education then get settled into my life then…who knows? Kids eventually?

So after talking with Marley and going to see my doctors a few times while Taylor’s in the hospital still I’m going in today to get that step done. I’m going actually under the knife this afternoon and I’m nervous and scared yet I really want this. Taylor’s going to meet me there and stay with me while I’m going through my post operative stuff.

I’d say here goes nothing but there are two little things going isn’t there.

Images 26

Chapter 26

I wake up with this ow feeling in my groin. Not a big ow since my surgery was a week ago but still and ow nonetheless. The operation went well pretty much It was actually a day surgery procedure there at the same hospital as Taylor was at. I was put under, a few snips I guess and out they came and they lasered some of it and fixed me up and wow the difference has been so…huge really. Other than one final bit I’m almost really me. They actually took notes and stuff for my SRS doctors in Montreal.

But it’s not the fading tenderness that wakes me it’s Taylor rolling out of bed and stumbling to the bathroom to hurl his guts out. Just to be sure, they put him on some kind of meds that are making him feel sick some mornings; just to be sure they gave him small doses of chemotherapy. Let me tell you after having him here home for four days and as sick as he is and them telling me when I took him to the emergency room that everything was “normal.” There’s no such thing as a small dose of chemotherapy.

Taylor’s throwing up and I roll out of bed myself and head over to him in just my underwear. He’s pale and the bandages are off but you can still see the red-pink of the scar tissue still on its way to fading. He’s doing that fast pant three-four times then trying to suck in a breath of air, the sound he makes I know it hurts. He’s taken this bout of the chemo really bad and he’s been sick a couple of times a day. I know the feeling I know it from the way I’d feel sick from starting my hormones. Actually I don’t think I was anywhere close to the way that Taylor is.

I do what just comes. I sit on the edge of the tub and I rub his back and I wet a wash cloth in the tub and use it to wash his face gently then just to wipe the sweat off him a bit and kiss him a few times on his face, his forehead. Then I get his toothbrush for him and pull him over so his backs against my legs and let him just brush his teeth and sit there and lean on me until he gets his wind back. He’s a Colgate kid, I can’t use the stuff I’ve got to have my close up I don’t know why but it’s been that way ever since I started being Jenna I’ve always used that dark red clear toothpaste.

Anyway after that he’s moving on his own and we take a shower together. Not that he’s in the mood for fun but it does save water and we’ve got a nice big shower plus there’s this few bits of time that we steal way just being intimate. Just a few kisses and washing and touching each other. I’m a firm believer that touch is a really unlooked at sense really, I mean there’s a lot more in my opinion just touching and being in contact with someone you love than kissing, hugging and making love. Those are all really great things but there’s more or there can be more.

I get out and get dried off then take my meds and then get dressed it’s just the normal although I think that I’m starting to see a bit of a change in where things are settling without my old bits influence. My panties are snugger and fit better but it feels like there might be some settling in the bottom and my bras are starting to get a little towards getting tighter? I’m not sure and I’m going to have to get another opinion or just see if these changes keep going. I thought that I’d be like more emotional and weepier but I’m not. If anything I feel fuller? Like the me hiding inside is closer to being in her own skin finally and with all of that there’s this calmer feeling too most of the time. I’m not just that but I feel more content.

People talk a lot about wanting to be happy. Right now I’m pretty good with feeling okay.

I slip into some nice underwear and then a short black denim skirt and my work shirt for the diner and some comfortable flats and grab my apron and head downstairs stopping in at the office to kiss Taylor. He’d really rather be cooking and stuff but there’s just too much going on scent wise for him to not get queasy right now as things are standing. So instead; he’s in the office doing up all the paperwork and the pays and getting things fixed up for the diner.

It’s still early so first thing in goes the bread and rolls and stuff we need to get going. We make the different dough the night before and I let it proof over night and I’ve even got a few more things going. Like going out onto the loading dock and getting the bbq going and tossing in a tinfoil wrapped bundle of maple chips on the lava rock there and after that I go in and turn out ten dozen bagels and dump them into the three big soup pots that I’ve got going full of water and a few other things. I see Dallas show up early to help me and it’s cool that she’s working here now and she really needed the job I guess. In this economy a decent paying job with tips and benefits is really hard to find. She’s a really good worker and out of all the girls closest to my age being only twenty. She gets started on the pies and getting the sandwich fillings ready and stocking the take out bags and stuff too. Nin and Holly land in and the boys get their coffees and the first sandwiches as well as the first of the bagels off the BBQ. I cook then on several cookie sheets and the smoke packet in the BBQ gives them this wood over flavor. I’ve actually got the cookie sheets on some bricks so it’s not really direct heat but enough to cook them. I do sesame seed, onion, poppy seed, a rosemary one and plain. I wrecked three batches getting this right but they’ve come out pretty good and these will be gone this morning.

We get into the swing of things getting everything going and I make my daily big batch of cinnamon rolls and I do up a batch of caramel rolls in which I put in a lot of ginger into the roll and lots of thin strips of mandarin orange peel that I’ve candied. There’s dry ginger powder in the dough itself too, because really as good as they might be and they are pretty good I made the first one’s for Taylor because ginger’s good for and upset stomach. It’ll take him about forty minutes to get it eaten and about an hour after that he’ll usually feel like eating and by that time there’s some of the dinner stuff done. He likes my bagels too; he’ll have one plain with regular cream cheese.

It’s a madhouse though as usual here. We’re down by the train yards so we get a lot of people who work the trains and from the warehouses and shops and all the local spin off stuff. Word of mouth and stuff hits us too we actually get a lot of people in from blocks away because it’s easier to drive through our area than fight traffic sometimes and we’ve got a take out window, but it’s been a little crazy lately with us re-opening after Taylor’s surgery and a ton of people are here more than usual because of word of mouth about Taylor being sick.

I get a lot of well wishes and hugs and all these really good things being Taylor’s wife or “Missus T.” Or “Missus Taylor” from some of our regulars. We have a lot of Italian guys actually down here that moved here generations ago to work stuff like the railways and all sorts of other stuff. A lot of people think of western Canada and its all Native Americans, Ukrainians, Germans and lately Indian and Asians but we really do have it all. I call these guys my “Hey, how you doin?” guys, y’know off of the Joey character from friends. Mostly though I get Jenna or just Jen. It’s really strange but in this great way. More people know me as Jenna than there ever was who knew me as Jaime. It actually startled me at first but I’m used to it now and I’m even using it.

There’s a bunch of water bottles set up in the place with different cancer charities and one for a couple of the local women’s shelters and another for aid in Africa and I put some up for the United Way and Warchild and Right to play, the local food banks and even the homeless shelters here in town there‘s twelve bottles total. Davey built us this rack for them slightly tilted up near the front doors where we used to have a place to put your coats. We all put our nickels and pennies in them and it’s really cool to see them filling up.

We’re that busy that the tips are great for the girls and yeah I’m missing out being the cook but I’m part owner now too so that’s why I don’t take a share of the tips. I’ll never agree with that, it takes away from the much needed cash the waitresses earn. You don’t wait tables for the base wages.

It’s getting clear around lunch though that we’re going to need more help soon. Dallas is great and she works her butt off but lately we’ve been busier than ever. I get orders from Angie and some of the nurses now for deliveries which right now we can only send by cab. I don’t mind that and it gave Taylor something else to do in negotiating a deal with one of the cab companies. We needed a flat fee because there’s a meter in most cabs and traffic could drive the delivery prices up. And Tim and Davey order from their job sites and the guys with them do too and more and more places are getting us to deliver lately. This actually brings a lot of cab drivers in here from white star cab company here and they even get a lot of customers with people heading back from lunch with us too full to walk back to their offices.

I smile after the lunch rush and let Holly take over while I slip off and take a quick cooling shower and then get a nice lunch of my smoked turkey soup. We use a lot of turkey to slice for our sandwiches and I take the bones and the carcass of them and toss them in the BBQ with a smoke pack or to finish the smoke if it’s still going from the bagels. I just toss them into the soup pot with diced celery and carrots, a grated parsnip and some squash covered with cumin that’s been roasted in the oven. I season it with a bit of nutmeg, and a lot of black ground pepper and some chopped thyme and sage. I finish it with frozen peas and the baked leftover bits of pie crusts…try that some time just toss them with salt and pepper then bake them like pot-pie croutons for your soups. I do them all the time because they go so good with most of our soups.

I head in with two bowls of that to Taylor who’s taking a nap on the office couch. The desk’s all neat and the place is well ordered and I see our laundry folded in the baskets on the coffee table in from of him. I move the clothes and set down our lunch and kneel on the floor and slowly and gently kiss him awake.

I love it when he opens those mountain meets sky blue/grey eyes. I nuzzle him and put my face into his chest and inhale deeply taking in his scent. I love the way he smells. He runs his fingers through my hair; it’s long enough to do that now just starting to brush the base of my neck.

“Mmm, that feels so nice.” I murmur into his chest and take another inhale but slide my arms to hug him a bit.

“So does that. I’m sorry I drifted off. What time is it?”

“That’s okay honey you need to rest and recover still y’know the operation and stuff taking a lot out of you.”

“Yeah, I’m really sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I sit up and reach over and pull his head over and kiss him. “I know but we do your recovery right, I want you around a long time mister.”

“Yes Ma’am.” he says smiling and kisses me. God…as tough as things are right now it all becomes worth it. Just seeing him give me that smile and kissing with him is just perfect. We kiss for a few minutes before I break the kiss. “Soup’s getting cold.”

Instead of sitting up on the couch he takes the quilt and stuff and slides off the floor to sit beside me on the floor and use the couch as our backrest and pull the coffee table closer to eat and snuggle together. It’s just a break in our day but it’s so nice really.

“We really need some more staff Taylor. It’s getting really busier and busier lately.”

Tay’s hands slide over my sides and he kind of holds me but holding me in nice places. “I know. I had a good turn out most day’s y’know but things really sort of really turned up since you came into my life.”

Ooooh…He kisses me in that really nice soft way…it brings me to this edge of that shaky blissed out sighs. I feel the whisper kiss mixture of his soft lips over my collar bone to my neck and side of my neck up to my ear… “I…I…I’m not what made all these people, show up Tay… (Gasp, biting my bottom lip as he cups my breasts.)…There’s just been more stuff going on…there’s a bunch of them…that like you and …and they’re glad you’re back…” Oh it’s been way too long since he’s felt like this. I mean it really hasn’t been that long but it’s been that long. I am a newly wed you know. There’s a certain ideal we should be upholding.

“No, Jen it’s been you. It’s how happy you make the place, the fact you’re a natural in the kitchen and people really like you. You keep you’re head when it’s busy and you have great ideas too.” He keeps kissing me and gently but insistently fondling my breasts. I last about maybe another forty seconds of that before I pull off my shirt and even as I’m doing that and trying to turn around to face him at the same time Taylor’s unhooking my bra.

That first exquisite feeling of those hands of his sweeping first over the sensitive skin of my breast and them cupping them is second only to his mouth taking in one of my nipples and making me shudder as he kisses/suckles on it like a very, very romantic Frenchman.

The skirt comes up and the panties come down and I’m soon freeing Taylor out of his jeans and stroking him. Luckily there’s some lube in his pocket and soon I’m easing onto him and…and…god it’s only been a short while but it feels like it’s been too long as the feelings that I’ve gotten very used to are very new again and he feels so much harder…bigger than before…a little painful stretching after such a break but good enough that the feeling of my husband inside me coupled with the attention he’s giving my breasts has my eyes rolling back in my head. He’s still taking it easy trying not to run out of steam with me, he’s still sick so after a few minutes of him working his majik on me I push him back more into the couch and kiss him.

“Here, let me Taylor…” and I proceed to do all the work being on top and all that. I don’t really get “hard” but there’s sort of something and I’m very shocked at the first orgasm that I have. I kind of twitch “there” but that’s about it and I feel…oh my god the feeling isn’t anything like I’ve had before. It’s like a bomb of yay when off inside of me, it feels like it came from somewhere deeper than before but it washes over me in this flush like wave and instead of that acute place that all those feelings went to there something totally different with the warm shockwave of pleasure rushing through my body and I swear I can feel it in my fingers and toes even…. Feel my nipples get so hard they sort of tingle and burn in a good way…I swear I feel my pupils dilate.

Then it fades into this full body sort of hum and this ache for more…I cry out, bite his shoulder and move on him hard and fast actually breasts heaving and bouncing which makes me hyper aware of them and even more turned on…it doesn’t take long before I’m holding onto him and panting and kind of hanging on for dear life as another wave like that first one runs through me…then Taylor cries out and I feel him twitching inside me his hips pushing into me trying to drive himself deeper and deeper but he’s already buried as deep as he can go inside of me. I feel the surge of his liquid heat inside of me and it’s a sexual affirming baptism for me. He squeezes me so tight in his arms it almost hurts and he cries out. “Jen!, Jenna! Oh fff Jen!” before falling heavy back against the couch and panting hard. He’s still got a hold of me and I lean on him just kind of zoning out in this pleasure filled haze that’s so much kind of like when you’re over tired and fighting off sleep, but this isn’t from lack of sleep even though I close my eyes for a few minutes. Not too long after he slips out of me and we kiss for a few minutes.

“I’ve really got to be getting back to work honey.” I tell him through an I love you smile and a kiss. “We still need to hire some more people here.”

“Okay, but we really don’t have a lot of space to move around in you know.”

“Well we’re doing a lot of take out stuff and we could use someone outside taking orders for the breakfast and the lunchtime crowds when the place really gets busy and fills up. We could also use someone at out take out window, I’m cooking and Holly’s behind the counter and that just leaves Dallas and Njinda on the floor to do the tables.”

He nods starting to look tired and I go to the bathroom take a quick wipe and then get a wash clothe actually two and use one to clean him off and the other to wipe some of the sweat and sex smell off of him. He looks done in. I bite my lip. “C’mon upstairs handsome get some real rest in our bed.” He just nods too tired to argue with me. I help him upstairs after putting my panties and top back on quickly. I kiss him once we’re there. “I think next time we take making love a little bit slower my love.” He kisses me back.

“Sorry Jen, you just smelled so good and it’s been so long and I…” I kiss him, to shut him up. Actually I kiss him a couple of times.

“No sorries honey, I wanted it as much as you did and we just got carried away a bit. Besides it’s a real good sign isn’t it.?” I grin at him and give him my biggest I’m happy smile, my man rocks smile then rub my forehead on his. He smiles back and has this happy sleepy kitty look. “Yeah it’s a very good sign.”

He lays back and I slip down to the office and grab my skirt and bra and then take another shower and get “cleaned” up. I use a use a bit more deodorant because the afternoon is the hottest time in the kitchen and slip into a new set of nice underwear and another work shirt and another skirt. I head down and take the dishes with me and start back to the afternoon work of a bit of mild cooking and getting stuff ready for supper tonight.

The main special is a Salisbury steak dinner. I use a lot of hamburger but into it I blitz up in the food processor a pound of chicken livers until they are mush, the same with three onions and bunch of garlic then add in a tablespoon of anchovy paste and some eggs and breadcrumbs. The gravy is ten blitzed up onions and three sticks of blitzed up celery, two chopped red chilli peppers, and a cup of HP sauce, beef stock paste and a half cup of L&P Worcestershire sauce and brown sugar all in with three cups of flour cooked to a nutty brown in butter. Once that’s a real mess I open and pour three cans of Guinness and three cups of black coffee and stir it smooth then let it simmer on one of the back burners until the suppertime crowd comes in. Veggies and the choice of baked potato wedges or mashed potatoes and that’s the special. I do a spaghetti sauce and have that at the ready too along with a nice large roast of beef. I can use the Salisbury gravy on that too. We bake off more fresh bread and I make more cinnamon bus for desert along with some more pies.

Dad comes in when a lot of the stuff is done and gives me a big hug. “Hi Angel.”

“Hey Daddy.” I hug him back and kiss him on the cheek. “What’s up?”

“I’m just going to pick Hunter up from school and figured you might like some more driving time.”

“Yeah, things won’t be that busy and we’ll be back before the supper rush right/”

“Oh yeah that won’t be a problem.”

I tell the girls were I’m going leaving holly in charge of the kitchen and stuff and we head out to go and pick Hunter up from school. I’m actually driving, I passed my beginner’s or learners permit two days ago and I need dad in the car while I’m driving or someone else with a license but I can’t drive with Hunter in the car. That’s alright I can drive there at least. It’s an actually quite a lot of fun. I like driving and once I get my own full permit I’ll get myself a cute little ride like maybe one of the new Volkswagen bugs or a Kia or something good but girly at the same time.

I pull up to the school and I get out and wait until I see the kids start getting out. I wave to Hunter who’s coming out with some friends all talking and chattering like pre-teen girls do. I can’t help but smile at that. She’s getting the chance to be herself a whole lot earlier than I did and I’m one of the lucky ones. She see’s me and waves back and see’s dad and this huge daddy’s girl smile lights up her face. She runs over and hugs me around my middle and yells. “Jenna!” it puts a lump in my throat…

It happens so fast…

This 80’s red Camero driving past…

The Window rolls down and I see the barrels slip out from behind the tint…

Aimed at Hunter?!

No!

Not! My little sister!

I turn her away from them and cover her and I feel this pain as I feel the impacts into me…

Kids are screaming…Hunter is screaming…I fall down…

Images 27

Chapter 27

“Ugnh!” Is the first thing out of my mouth and I’ve no idea how I’m not swearing. I hurt in about six or seven spots and there’s this smell on me. There’s kids and a few parents panicking and I hear dad.

“Jenna!, Jenna! Are you alright?!”

“Yeah, I’m…” I look at my arms and it’s splattered with bright yellow.
It’s paint.
Paint.
They shot at Hunter with paintball guns.

I look down at Hunter who’s bawling her eyes out and hugging my waist until dad’s there in a flash. I pass her to him and start running.

“Jenna! Where are you going!?” dad yells.

“After them, they’re not going to get far in school traffic!”

I run despite the skirt, I feel it rip up the side and I pour on the speed. I used to run touchdown after touchdown as Jaime. Yes I’m not used to running with breasts but I shut that part of my head off, the fact I’m wearing girls clothes that I’m covered in paint and bruised. I used to run in full pads and helmet and everything. I cut across lawns and yards and see the Camero in the distance and they’re trying to get past the cars of parents and school buses and the rest of the 3:30 traffic.

I jump hurdle a bench and the car gets another three four hundred yards away. But they’re not fast enough and we’re about seven blocks away before I catch up with them and I actually slide on the loose dirt along side of the car and the driver’s side window is down and I scream.

I scream with a lot of suppressed rage and anger and I punch the driver in the face. His head snaps to the side and I hit him again on the rebound and again. I get shot with a couple of paintballs fro the kids in the back and I see red enough that I’m ripping the guns out of their hands through the window that I just punched out. Then I get hit hard as the driver opens the door but he leaned back after he got it unlatched and kicked it. The door flies open and hits me knocking me back enough I trip and stumble over the sidewalk curb.

“Mother...fucking cunt! You crazy bitch do you know what you did to my car?…Wait…wait…Morgan? Oh no, this is just too sweet. You’re hooked up to that little freak in my brother’s class? I’m going to enjoy beating your ass finally.”
Troy?

Troy Mathews?

“Troy?”

“Yeah faggit it’s me.”

“I’m not a fag, I’m not gay Troy, I’m a woman.”

“Oh no you’re not Morgan, You’re a faggit Jimmy. I saw the pictures.”

“Yeah well she did that to me.”

“Yeah it was fucking awesome the dyke did me a favor.”

“She did you a favor? All of this was you?”

“Oh Hells no Jimmy, Ingrid just took a freak out because she was all hot and bothered over you and she wanted to hurt you so she didn’t have to deal with being all dyke hot over you’re fairy ass. No I just took the ball and ran with it. I mean after all it’s what I did best.”

“What do you mean ran with It?”

“VS James Morgan. Com. That was me.”

“Why?” my voice cracks on that one. “We were team-mates I thought we were friends?”

“Me friends with a freak like you I don’t fucking think so. No not only I saw that you got all the shit that freaks like you deserved I got rid of your ass at the same time. No more bowing and scraping in the shadow of the great James the “Iron man” Morgan! No more you getting all the attention, all the girls, all the glory and the trophies and awards everything a little faggit like you didn’t deserve. It’s mine now Jimmy, Mine I’m king of the school and you’re not coming back! I’ll make sure you’re not coming back!”

Troy reached into the car and grabbed a tire iron and came at me. I roll sideways to my left and grabbed the paint pellet gun and fire off as many shots as I could at him aiming for the crotch first. He goes down howling and I get up into a crouch. He throws up from the shots to the balls and spits.

“You did all of that, spread that all around, terrorized me for years, siccing people on me so full of hate that it drove me to the point of killing myself for what? So you could play big man because I was a better football player than you!”

I’m yelling really pissed, actually as Jaime I always had this disconnect from my feelings. As Jenna not only am I wide open feelings wise but I’m mad and I’m female.

He yells at me incensed at me saying that. “You’re not better than me!, You were never fucking better than me. You just had all the fucking breaks!”

“You know what you did suck at Troy? Seeing that sudden tackle!”

I shoot out of my crouch and hit him with every bit of power my legs can squeeze out more pushing hard against the ground like I’m going to crash into the tackle dummies again. He’s still not unbent from getting up and I hit him with my shoulder right in the guts and we travel about six feet before we hit the pavement on the street. I’m on top so he softens the blow.

It’s crude, it’s supposed to be a guy thing but I’m on top on Troy pounding him with my fists. I’ve lost what would have been a huge weight advantage and I’ve lost muscle mass too and strength but I’m not weak either. I’ve never really been weak and instead of hitting the weights I’ve been lugging sacks of flour and produce, unloading stock and kneading dough. Yeah women can be tough too just doing their everyday stuff. I think I got about six or seven good hits before he starts hitting me back. He’s pissed and way too strong, steroid strong. I’m not even sure how long we end up fist fighting before the cops are there and they haul us apart and Troy hit’s three of the cops in a full on roid rage at this point all from when on of the officers calls me miss. He lashed out trying to get to me and he does it again and gets tasered for his troubles when I correct the cop.

(Sniffle…cough...) “Actually it’s Mrs. Officer.”

Okay, that I might have done on purpose.

***
I’m sitting in back of the ambulance nursing an ice pack on a few bruises and Hunter sticking to me like glue while one of the EMT’s is bandaging my hand I put through Troy’s back driver’s side window. Dad’s talking to the cops and going on about me going after them being a fight response instead of a flight response to an unprovoked attack on Hunter and myself from these guys. It takes a few hours and we’re and others are taken down to the station house.

Troy’s lawyer along with his dad and my old coach are there and trying to blame the whole thing on me and Hunter because the boys were afraid of Hunter starting sexual advances with them. And me getting involved was destruction of personal property and assaulting a minor.

Dad raises absolute shit and so does Angie when she shows up with Taylor and hears the bullshit that they‘ve been spouting. I kept hearing them trying to say that Hunter was coming on to them and I can’t help it and get up and yell at them. “Are you nut! What kind of perverts are you? You’re the one’s bringing this up!, saying this stuff! Hunter didn’t do anything! She’s like Ten!”

A police woman moves me away from where they’re trying to defend Troy and his bullshit and takes me into a separate glassed walled room and get’s me to sit down and to try to calm down. She goes to get me a cup of tea when I see Taylor come in.

Taylor passes something in a brown paper envelope the they talk for a few minutes and he comes over to me. Takes me into his arms and starts kissing me. That’s when it all starts to hit. Taylor’s arms around me and I start to decompress and with that adrenaline I was running on and it all hits and I start to shake and the tears start and then I lose it. I remember him holding me and pulling me into his arms and takes me into a chair and pulls me onto his lap as I sob.

***

Detective Robert Simpson sighed after getting the bunch of them separated and looked at the guys and girls at the station gathered around except for those who were keeping things stable between the two groups. The Jenna girl used to be James Morgan a local kid that used to go to school with his kid brother. There was only a slight resemblance from the file pictures from the assault she’d been through with her parents. Although right now you could see it more with the post assault photos and the married young lady covered in dirt and blood and paint.

Now looking at the evidence from her father about this website and one of the worst scumbag private eyes he’s ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with, the guy was a real POS.

“This is a hell of a mess isn’t it? Do we have all the statements in from the witnesses?”

Corporal Brian Marshal looked to the detective. “Not yet but this is getting pretty messy really fast.”

“Why, what do you mean?”

He turned his computer monitor so the detective could see it and more than one person started swearing as there were videos of the shooting online now and one of the Winters girl chasing them down from the point of view of someone following them and the fight. The sound was blurry but the tire iron was clear and there was a burst of excitement when Winters came off the ground and tackled him like an NFL player and not some teenaged young girl. There was this look of every female cop watching…they didn’t see a transgendered girl here, they saw one of themselves.

“These are going viral Robert.” some one said.

The detective ran his fingers through his, well over his balding head. “This isn’t good, the press’ll get wind of this and …”

The phone’s started ringing off the hook all over the place and there was a group of people with cameras and microphones getting stopped by the front desk officers.

His phone rang at his desk. He answered. “Yes Chief, Yes I’ll see you when you get here.”

He rubbed his head a drained the last of his cold coffee making a face.

Images 28

Chapter 28

It takes me awhile to get a hold of myself. All the adrenaline is starting to wind out of me and I’m starting to feel all my hurts. The welts from the paintballs, the tackling and the all out fighting. My arms and my hands are killing me. Angie comes over from somewhere with things of ice for my and some pills for the pain. She looks me in the eyes and fresh tears spill out of hers and she hugs me. “Oh God Jenna, thank you, thank you, thank you…I knew some of the kids were having issues with Hunter but…Oh thank you honey.”

“I had to…Hunter’s.” I hug Hunter who was right there looking haunted in Angie’s shadow she clings to me and puts her face right into my ribs. It hurts a bit but it’s worth it.
“Hunter’s my little sister…I’d do anything for her.” Hunter hugs me a bit harder and Taylor’s lips are on the back of my neck kissing me as he holds me but I feel the smile forming on them on my skin. It’s amazing how something like that will just make all the hurt worth it.

Angie’s crying still and she takes one of the ice packs and puts in on my cheek. There’s this look on her face and in her eyes that should’ve been there with Natalie. I’ve been riding the edge of saying this for awhile now. I’ve wanted to but… I smile a bit or try to with a split lip. “Thanks Mom.” That makes her cry all the more and pushes me over the edge too and the three of us girls are all crying together and Taylor’s holding all three of us.

It’s awhile like that as we sit in a glassed in side office away from Troy and the too little assholes. I can’t believe him! That he’d be that flipping insecure about me and his place in the limelight that he started up the website? I mean I know that he was one of the ones that turned on me but that. That was just…Honestly, I’m drawing a blank. It’s one of those times that words just fail me at the sheer dumbfuckery of it all.

Angie’s sticking close but she’s in and out of the room checking on Daddy, oh yeah today he’s my daddy and he’s raising holy hell about what Troy’s done and what he and the Coach have done along with stuff about the website and then Troy’s dad’s there and in Daddy’s face yelling about me being a fag and practically sexually assaulting his son while I was on the team by being in the changing rooms and that fags should be segregated from real god fearing people.

I’m actually okay.
I mean I’m upset.
But I’m not all that upset.

I’ve been living under this umbrella or this dark cloud of their bullshit for so long I think it actually lost the impact it had before.

It’s just listening to them go on and on. I just sort of tune it out until Hunter comes in and hugs me around the waist and she’s crying and shaking. Me like I said, I think I’m okay. Hunter this is huge and scary.

“Hey, its okay Hunter, we’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

“Promise?” She’s all muffled face in my stomach but as sore as I am it feels more than right. I run my fingers through her hair soothingly.

“Promise Sis. I love you.”

“I love you too Jenna…” Ow…she tightened her hug.

We sit there in Taylor’s arms him rubbing Hunter’s back as he watches the goings on out in the main part of the station. I sigh as he kisses neck or the top of my head. Even with him recovering still he’s my rock. It’s getting just a huge ugly mess as things shift around from various points of yelling with the legalese and the police and there’s a couple of older police guys in uniforms and bigger lawyer types in really expensive suits and the gaggle of stuff kept getting bigger and bigger.

Daddy comes in with Angie and he kisses me and hugs me. “How are you holding up honey?”

“I’m okay Daddy but I think someone here really needs to get home.” I run my fingers through Hunter’s hair.

“Alright, I think that we can go home girls, a lot of this is out of our hands for now.”

I get up with Hunter still hanging onto me and Taylor too with my parents…I love the thought of them like that. My parents, my family… Well we’re more a family than the one Jaime grew up with that’s for sure. We’re heading out when I see Billy? And Davey? With the cops getting booked and they’re acting like drunken assholes? I heard Davey mutter something about “Fucking Queers.” …? WTF? Billy too, but he’s dating…? Taylor leans over in my ear. “Just keep going.” I can smell the booze on both of them.

I’m upset, and I watch them get moved and shoved around and I hear one of the cops say. “Get these red-necks out of here and shove them in with their paintball buddy.” I catch the guy’s eyes and there’s this look, this intensity there and I know both of them are stone cold sober. Taylor is literally steering me outside. “B..but Tay?”

“Keep going, we’ll talk at home honey.”

Oh…oh…this is one of those biker, streets thing…

Oh…The guys, My guys…they’re doing this for me.

I’m not sure what to think about that. Good? Protected, Safe? But I’m a good girl right? Or I’d like to think that I am.

“Daddy? Mom?”

“Yes Jen?” They both answered together. It’s cute.

“Should they…” Dad puts his hand on my shoulder. “How long? Do you think after the lawyers things’ll be even? Let the guys do this….they need to do this, it how they take care of family.”

I’m still not sure but nod. But Angie’s a nurse and she just looks me in the eyes and nods as we’re leaving the building.

There’s a lot of press there and camera’s and stuff. Well not a lot probably close to ten or twelve but it’s sure more than I’m used to. I get asked a lot of questions, and dad stays to run press interference while Taylor get’s me and Hunter and Angie into the truck. Hunter’s hanging onto me tightly scared even more because of all this too and a few of them shouting her name.

Its Canada so there’s actually a few cops getting between them and us. We have free speech laws here but we also have laws that protect people from hate speech and from the negative aspects of the press.

We get out of there without them following us or starting all the drama that we really don’t need. With the stuff with the guys and Taylor, honestly even sick I’m not sure what he’d do. Mom either for that matter. I think if they got too close to Hunter she’d have taken off an arm.

I actually dozed through part of the drive holding Hunter who’s still clinging to me. I guess its okay and there’s people there at the diner as we pull in. There’s a lot of regulars and friends and…and they started clapping when I come inside, Holly and Nin are beaming and Tim’s pointing at the TV.

I winch as I watch someone’s or several someone’s video clips of my getting shot by the paintballs playing human shield for Hunter then others of the fight between me and Troy.
I’m stunned and speechless because I’m also really outed from Troy’s little rant.

And people are hugging me and patting me on the back and I’m getting a bunch of atta-girls. No one’s yelling, or calling us names or being nasty to us.

I can’t help it but start crying happy tears as it’s all going on. There’s even a cheer as Taylor kisses me.

Hunter’s wide eyed and has moved from me to her mom, our Mom. And she’s as wide eyed as me at the way we’re being treated. I even see people there from the church that we went to there and there’s a whole lot of support that honestly I never would have though to have in a million years.

There’s part of me that really just wants to go to bed, to just go and curl up someplace with Taylor and let him take care of me. But there’s so much support here I feel kind of like it’d just not be right if I didn’t stay.

Taylor looks tired too. This ontop of everything else has him pretty beat. And as soon as one’s vacated I grab him and me one of the booths and ask Kendall if she’d be a sweet heart and see if she can steal us a pillow from our apartment. She gives me a hug.

“Sure Jenna…I…You’re brave y’know that right?” she’s looking around definitely on edge.

“Thanks and I’m not sure brave’s the right word. I saw them going to hurt Hunter and I just…reacted. Then afterwards once I figured out that I wasn’t dead I got angry. That’s not exactly lady like.”

“Bull that.” Come from Njinda. “I’m natural born, and I have been angry enough to hurt those who hurt the ones I love. You are just as much a woman as any woman here. Beside there is proof.” Nin’s all emotional because her English is all stilted into her Somali accent. “You cover the child wit ya own body Jenna, that’s something born in bone deep in a woman. I know it and everyone here knows it.”

“Too bad Natalie didn’t know that.”

“That silly twit who gave birth to you wasn’t no woman Jenna. Just ‘cause you got the parts don’t mean you fit the part.” She kisses my cheek and heads off to wait on a few more customers.

I look at Kendall and take the pillow from her as she gets back. “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“Oh…nothing.” Her voice is a bit subdued.

I take the pillow and put it behind the wall and Taylor and we get adjusted so like we’re sitting sideways like on a couch. He sighs and kisses my neck with a murmured “Thanks baby.” In my ear that makes me smile. But I pat the bit of bench left for her to sit

“It’s not just nothing come on spill you’re family.” She looks at me and tears start to well up. I grab some napkins and pass them to her.

“It’s that, being here and being accepted by you guys and by Billy…but this…I mean you’re really out, there’s not closet anymore and Hunter and …what if they look at me and everything. It’s not like I pass, I’m just past thirty…I’m…I’m just really scared.”

I hug her and she shakes a bit and I look Kendall over. She’s one of my online friends and one who ended up staying after my wedding because she had hooked up with Billy. It was a surprise to all of us including each of them. Kendal thought she was a girl into girls and Billy was surprised at how much he loved talking to this T-girl who was except a few niggling details that we all have to deal with the woman he’d always been waiting for.

Kendall is right on a lot of counts. Short of some surgeries she’ll have a real hard time passing. Bigger shoulders that a GG and thin hips, she’s Italian to boot with the stereotypical hirsute problem and she’s got the Adams apple and no amount of breasts right now but she’s got this head of Catherine Zeta Jones hair a nearly perfect smile and these sensual deeply green eyes that really pop when you look at her.

“Kendall, for one you’re beautiful and I have a head start on you age wise and hormone wise. You’ve not really seen anyone yet professionally have you?”

She shakes her head no.

“Well you work for us now and Taylor and I work with a couple of medical coverage companies that cover TG issues. We made sure of that so we can get you appointments and stuff and you’re gainfully employed and we can argue the case for keeping you here because you’re our IT specialist.”

“But I’m waitressing?” she looks confused and even Tay’s leaning more on the table top to look over and around at me.

“You’re waiting tables between your other duties but I wanted to ask you if you can get us set up like that on the computer. Put Mavericks on Twitter and Facebook and a few other places, build us a website.”

“Uhm yeah sure but are you guys sure?”

“Yes we’re sure now go and talk to Dallas she used to work in a salon before here and a spa too. I’m sure she can lend you a few more ideas to try like she did me.”

“You? I though you just were like a natural or something at this you seem so just right with It.?”

“Me hardly, I’ve had tones of tips and tricks taught to me over the last few years and you learn a lot of stuff about make up and all sorts of other tricks and cover ups working at a strip club and one that features t-girls. I’m in the same boat as you honey just I’ve got a head start is all.”

We hug and Kendall goes off to work again. I feel older, I know it’s tired and sore but I feel so much older than I really am.

I settle in with Taylor as the bust bustle and flow of the customers and well wishers goes on around us and I’m sort of back in the old position of lime light? Sort of as this is all really déjá  vu like to when I’d get the same thing after my football games.

I guess that one of the truths about the whole transgendered experience pre-during and post-op. You were never the person that you knew you were and once you became that person you can never really stop being who you used to be.

Oddly I’m good with that. It makes sense. If you never were who you were then you’d never have had the need to become who you are.

Oh I see some more sessions with Marley coming up over all of this. I settle in and just try to down play the whole thing. I see some people from the LGBT club we went dancing at here tonight and they’ve been out doing there thing but there’s some with us that seen it online and on some blog-casts as well as some of the more traveled LGBT styled news type of sites. Plus apparently it’s all over You Tube.

It’s a little intimidating to get all the attention and we get asked right there by some of the bloggers and the two LGBT reporters to talk about what happened. I think about it before responding.

“Look I’ll do an interview session but I need to answer the questions from the other news outlets that want this too. Let me make some arrangements and we can all do a sit down interview session.”

I call Daddy and let him know what’s up and he say’s that he’ll get back in touch with the press people that were outside the police station. We decide on tonight if they can make it so they can get things set for the late news and morning printings.

I hang up my cell phone and Taylor gets up and gives me a kiss. “I’m going to make pizzas. We all missed supper and once the rest of the press get here.” He smiles and shrugs. “Hey, it won’t hurt to offer up some free food and make this as informal as possible.” I add. We kiss again and there’s a sigh from hunter but some of the single girls in the place and a couple of the gay guys.

I can’t help but stare at him as he weaves through the crowd to the kitchen.

God I’m a lucky girl.

***

Troy paced angry, oh he was pissed, he was beyond pissed and Coach Thompson wasn’t being worth a pinch of shit other than getting a hold oh his father.

“At least Dad’s getting me a real lawyer instead of that pansy that works for the school.”

He frowned and ignored the few other people in lock up. He was a big guy and no one in their right mind fucked with him. The fact that Jimmy, all fagged out looking like some little bitchy princess…. Coming after him like that. That the wanna be cunt dared to even show her face around him after she’s been run out on the rail from school it got his blood boiling

Jaime’s “Iron man” Morgan had hogged the spotlight the entire time they’d been on the same teams together. Oh jimmy had talent but not that much talent and just because he played a couple of play off games with him playing on both lines…or “Iron Man” football everyone thought he was the shit that he could walk on water

It was like a sign from god when he was at that party and he slipped that dyke Ingrid some rohyp and she babbled on and on about this Jenna cunt, then he found out from the drugged up little bitch that that was Jimmy.

He was planning on popping her cherry but it had been way more fun to fuck with her head and get her drugged ass to believe and get mad over the fact of “Of course she was in love with Jenna, because Jimmy was having fun with you, you stupid dyke.” Drugged as she was she was really easy to lead around by the nose that night. The pictures she had; were plastered everywhere in only maybe an hour. The best was she was still pissed at Jimmy because he never stepped forward to defend himself so of course it all had to be true.

Even now it brought a smile to Troy’s face. It was a fucking pity Jimmy’s dad didn’t strangle the wannabe pussy or that Jimmy’s mom couldn’t get him lit up.

And the website was so much fun, seeing how low the mighty had fallen. He was so in love with what had happened to Jimmy he got hard while watching him working in that faggy titty bar.

But this, Jimmy busting up his ride then coming after him like some psycho whore. No, no this was Alberta this was good ole boy territory. His old man would get their lawyer and a judge that was amenable and it was just paint balls, and the tire iron and the stuff he said. The tranny was crazy; he was distracting him from his little brother and his friend. The football boosters were a pretty tight bunch of god fearing folk and had connections. He’d get a slap on the wrist, house arrest, there were schools…colleges where this would seem like a good thing that he did especially good upright schools down in the southern United States.

He looked up when more police came shoving to swearing and drunken guys who got shoved into the holding cell with him and the other guys while they were waiting to be processed.

He heard one of the cell mates he already had say. “Hey Billy.”

There was a quite. “Hey, you see anything?”

“Nope…uhm…nothing…you and he came in and passed right out.”

What was going on? Some drug deal, something he might use in court to bargain with? Nosy he turned around and right there in his face was the other one. This blonde baby-faced guy with these haunting icy eyes. Staring at him like he was nothing, less than nothing.

***

Troy Mathews had always thought he was a tough motherfucker. He found out that he was very, very wrong.

***

There had been someone who had started a fight three cells down that drew away the roving camera. And in the six minutes in took to watch, call out and break up that fight it was over. One of the police officers saw the beaten body curled up in the fetal position whining over and over again up against the bars… he called the others and the EMT’s were called.

Both hands were broken, both arms, busted teeth maybe a busted jaw, holding his ribs and his crotch they rushed him to the hospital.

The duty sergeant came down with three cops and yelled at them waking the two drunks; one got up and staggered to the john puking his guts up.

He yelled asking what the fuck happened and they’d better speak up because there was always evidence left after a beating.

The drunk flushed the john and spat. Sitting on the floor. But not looking at the cops but the three other guys.

Alex Finely looked at the cop. “I dunno, he fell.”

That was the story all the way around. They found no traces of blood on anyone’s hands the quiet blonde kid explained the bruises. “Yeah of course I’ve got bruises, I work construction.”

They got all moved out spaced between the cells and the CP would be pissed but these guys were frequent fliers in the jails and even prison no matter how hard they’d be asked Troy Mathews had always just slipped.

And what he did. To that girl, was going to do to that little kid. He worked the two younger ones up to it. He wasn’t sure that the ass just didn’t get what he deserved.

Images 29

Chapter 29

I was more than a little bit nervous having the press coming here so I could get the questions and stuff over with maybe. Everyone kind of helped with setting up things with moving the tables and getting everything situated so we could get through this. I’ll admit I’m scared of what the questions might be and the fallout that might come out of all of this but. As much as I’ve changed there are sometimes when the best defense is a good offence.

We get the tables moved taking some of them out back to the storage area and we sort of set things up in the best corner booth for us to sit at. Me and Tay, Mom…Angie, Dad and Hunter.

Taylor and the others have a bank of the tables set together and put up a sign saying press craft services table. That’s Taylor’s idea that we ply the press with free food to get them happily stuffed and less hostile or aggressive at least.

Me and Hunter are actually hiding out back trying to get through the case of nerves that we both have and Mom and Dad are there with us. I’m nervous enough I keep wanting to help set things up but I’m smart enough to let Taylor and the girls and the other staff get talked to first as things are getting set up and the press who have shown up in force.

Well….not force but eighteen or so plus the various bits of crew they have if they need them. Feeding them seems to be a good idea as the food’s going over well with the press and their crews. I see Marley there too and there’s lots of people chatting them up.

Taylor did several pizzas just some easy things but good. Three cheese, pepperoni, veggie, Alfredo with spinach, and a new one called beef en wheck? It’s a horseradish white sauce with shaved roast beef and hot peppers and caraway seeds plus on the bottom of the oven he put more caraway seeds and salt? He did the same around the edge of the crust. It smells good.

There are also sandwiches along with meatballs and perogies and some deserts; cakes and pies plus the rest of my cinnamon rolls are put out, someone made a sign calling them Jenna’s Famous Cinnamon rolls. Oh and lots of tea and coffee plus pop and water.

It takes no time really before it’s time to go out and face the press. Mom got me to wear one of my light blue Nike training tanks; it shows off the bruises I’ve got from the paintballs. There’s an audible hiss of sympathy and a bit of buzz and camera flash as they see it.

We sit down with Mom in the back with Hunter and then Dad on the other side of Hunter but Taylor on mom’s other side because it put’s him sitting beside me and it puts Dad and I out there facing them to better answer questions with Dad there as my legal council. Holly brings up all some drinks. There’s a few camera flashes and laughs as Hunter goes “Oh..oh..chocolate!” when Holly gives Hunter her milkshake. I’m having one too but mine has three shots of Kaluha in it.

I take a few sips and a few breaths before turning in my seat to face them and girl cross my legs. I’m sure everything’s being noted and dissected. I’m wearing just a pair of slacks and sandals.

I try my best smile. “Hi everyone.”

I get a smattering of Hi’s and Hello’s back.

“I wasn’t planning on doing any interviews or to talk to the press so soon with everything going on but since there were some of the press already here when I got here I though it’d be only fair if I said a few things here and answered some of you’re questions.”

“My name used to be J’aime Morgan, but it was also Jaime or mostly James. It’s Jenna now and it was always supposed to be like that. I was fourteen when I started to figure things out and by the time I was fifteen I had been outed and ended up living in a group home where I started my transition. By the time I was sixteen I had moved out and was living on my own then, I ended up meeting my husband on a rainy night not too long ago.”

“I’m not really sure where I can go from here so I’m going to open things up to questions if that’s alright with everyone here?”

I take another drink of my shake and from that point on things kind of get busy and become a blur. I’m not sure who was with who asking what but it went a lot like this.

Q: “When did you know you weren’t a male?”

A: “I was with a girl I’d been seeing and just goofing I tried on her underpants and honestly it just stuck and kept becoming a thing until I tried dressing in some of my birth mother’s things and I saw myself for the first time.”

Q: “What do you mean saw yourself for the first time?”

A: “Well it’s just that. We all for the most part look in the mirror and don’t give a whole lot of thought to who that it. We’ll think about all the other stuff but when you’re transgendered or even differently gendered it’s not what everyone else see’s. I thought I was James, and I thought there was something really wrong with me when I was getting more and more into the cross dressing and things. But when I made myself up it wasn’t seeing myself as made up but this… That’s me moment, when I never seen myself before in my life.”

Q: “Was it a shock?”

A: “Yes a huge one too. I cried all night after the first time I saw myself and James wasn't a person who cried….ever.”

Q: “Is that because of the whole boys don’t cry thing?”

A: “A little bit. But what it really was, is this dis-associative state that I was living under where my brain just couldn’t emotionally process being male so it literally had turned those parts of me down so low because I wasn’t using them. I couldn’t really cry as James it just wasn’t in me to do.”

Q: “So you’re better now?”

A: “Much thank you, the life I’m living, getting my body to match my brain has set everything to where it should’ve been. I’m all over the place sometimes but that’s still a good thing it means I can actually feel things.”

Q: “You said your birth mother. You’re not close to her?”

A: “No Natalie and I will never be close. I guess her cursing me out the dumping a jerry can full of lawnmower gas on me when I was outed might have something to do with it. Looking back on my life and from other things that I’ve found out she wanted James to make it big in football to be her meal ticket.”

I remember that response made a big buzz around things and that began some other questions getting them into bit of and excited gaggle.

Q: “What’s the status between you and your birth mother now?”

A: “None, I don’t really want to see her except during her parole hearing and her court appeal.”

Q: “Court appeal? On what grounds?”

A: “Abuse leading to her becoming mentally unstable. She’s claiming she had Stockholm’s syndrome because of my stepfather’s abuse. She was trying to appease him when she doused me with the gas.”

Q: “Is that true? Was your stepfather abusive to her, to you?”

A: “No, not that I ever seen. He was a great stepfather as long as you followed in his plans for you and you were a good ‘ole redneck just like him. He was great as long as I performed, and I’d been raised that way in this winning is everything this is what a man is environment. She was happy as long as I made them look good and looked like I was heading to the NFL after getting into a good football college. When I was outed he thought he’d rape the queer out of me and she went ballistic because it was already out online all over Facebook and MySpace and she saw her chance at all that money wash away.”

Q: “You seem angrier at her than him, why is that?”

A: “He was my stepfather and to a point just by being who he was he didn’t really betray me as much as she did. He was just another one of those good old boys like the ones that did this to me and wanted to do this to my little sister, he’s not the only one out there. But Natalie, she was supposed to be different, she was supposed to be my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and here she was trying to light me on fire. Trying to kill me because….because she’s a sociopath.”

Q: “You said like the ones who had done this to you and tried to do this to your little sister. Does this mean that the attitude was prevalent in and around the football teams in this country?”

A: “No not this country but in the leagues around here you bet. I can remember homophobic jokes in the locker rooms both home and away and it was only worse in the older grades. Football is a legacy sport around here. There’s a lot, a lot of you scratch my back stuff along with gender bias, homophobia, and even some good old fashioned doses of racism.”

“Just look at some of the teams and the color scheme, anyone of any color has got to be exceptional just to be allowed to play unless you have a few schools with a white ethnic minority. Even then I’d love to see the way the funding for those schools gets distributed.”

“I’m not saying it’s like that on all the teams and I don’t know about the rest of the country but here, here its part of that everything people think of when you think of Western Canadians.”

Okay I’ll admit I ranted a bit on that one. But there was a lot I saw as James that I never even thought was wrong or even out of the ordinary back then. Now after becoming myself and all that time in my head going over my past I remembered things a whole lot differently.

Q: “So you hate football then?”

A: “No, actually I still love football, it’s a great game and there’s a lot any kid can get out of playing sports and being on a team. I just can’t get behind the way that it’s being run in the area and the province pretty much.”

Q: “Are you saying girls should play?”

A: “Girls are playing these sports it’s just they get no encouragement, no funding and in a lot of cases they’re either the tomboys playing with the guys or just getting into backyard games but that’s true of all women’s sports really it’s marginalized and made less important and not just by men.”

Q: “Are you saying that women are a part of why women and girls sports aren’t as equal to the men’s teams.”

That’s from one of the lesbian writers she looks pissed at me even for suggesting it.

A: “Yes, in my opinion as a woman and a former athlete that women and girls see even liking sports as un-girl-like and they don’t really support the sports or the teams or the games.”

Q: “Oh really and you’d know this because of your vast experience as a woman.”

A: “Actually yes, as far as I’m concerned. I am a woman, in my heart and my soul and my head I’m female as much as any other woman out there. And arguing the point is just as useful as trying to tell a gay or lesbian person they have to sleep with the opposite sex because they’re a biological fit.”

“But that’s not what I was getting at before we get into a whole other thing. What I’m saying is no. Women are often their own worst enemies. Take the W network on television, the women’s network or it’s supposed to be. I’ve never seen any female sports on there. Why? Because they’re not popular, why because liking sports in ungirl-like and we fall prey to social peer pressure. It’s not just Men holding us down anymore.”

She looked pissed but she held her tongue. I had a feeling that she was wanting to turn this into a lez vs. trans thing but there was too many other press here and a few of the other alternative media members were shooting her looks too, like those shut up looks.

There’s a few questions from the others about Hunter and how she feels about the whole thing.

Q: “Hunter how long have you been living as a girl?”

A: “Duh…always, it’s more like when did I stop pretending to be a boy.”

Q: “Do you have any other trouble like this at school?”

A: “Sometimes but not really, there was some but it was like the parents of some of the other kids and one of the teachers. They said that I was breaking Gods laws and stuff but it’s not really true because there’s lots of stuff in the bible that says we’re supposed to do but we don’t and some of it like slaves and stuff’s against the law. You shouldn’t get to pick ‘n choose just because you don’t understand something.”

Q: “Do you find the stuff they’re saying upsetting.”

A: (Sniffles.) “Yeah because they don’t know me they just hear things that they think is wrong and they judge me ‘cause of it. I don’t know them and I don’t hate them and I’m not their child so why are they so freaked out at me just fixing a mix up.”

Hunter then hid into Mom’s side and then the asked a few more questions to me.

Q: “Jenna, are you pressing charges against Troy Mathews?”

A: “Yes and I’ll be taking him to court over the malicious website that he had put up as well.”

Q: “What’s your reaction to his rant, I know you were there for it but it has been played repeatedly on the new channels and You Tube.”

A: “Well honestly it’s kind of pathetic bordering on insane. He went that far to make sure that I never played football ever again? Just so he could take my place in the districts number one spot? That’s nuts. Who does that?”

“The fact that I’d been out would have tanked my playing alone, nothing more had to be done past that point. The funny thing is I’ve been gone almost for two full seasons and he still hasn’t gotten to where I was ranked.”

Q: “What are you’re plans now? Will you be returning to school and to football?”

A: “My plans…well first I’m going to take some time and actually enjoy my life and settle into things. After that maybe enjoy a honeymoon with my husband. But going back to school? I’m not going to go back to my old school, not after everything that had happened and the total lack of support there from people that I had thought were my friends back then.”

“I’ve been either thinking about getting my GED or going to take some classes at night school and after that I’ve actually got my mind set on going for my Culinary arts degree. It turns out that I really like cooking and feeding people.”

Q: “So no plans on playing football then?”

A: “No, I won’t be returning to football, besides my bra would likely get caught in my pads.”

Q: “But you were quite passionate about the game earlier.”

A: “And like I said I still love the game but there’s not much likelihood of me playing on a regular division team or getting back my scholarship chances I’m not exactly what they’re looking for anymore but I’d consider it if I was offered there has been a lot of girls that have played the game all over North America. I’d love to be able to say that I’d go back but my heart just wouldn’t be into playing anymore. My life’s turned too many corners and I’m looking forward to what’s ahead in my life.”

That brings the angry lez back around on me. Q: “So you’re saying that you’re going to give up one football because of what happened? I thought you were in favor of having women in sports and yet you’re not willing to stand up for it.”

A: “Honestly I love the game and I’d go and watch a girls game hell if there was a better women’s football league I might get involved and I’m saying might because when I was James, I was good at the game. But I also never really had a choice in the matter once they saw I had talent in it. I was pretty much forced into the game and not given the choice. Seeing as I wasn’t really able to touch my real feelings back then it wasn’t like I was able to say that I didn’t want to do this. Now I can, I can say no to being pressured or coerced into things that I don’t want to do.”

I looked pointedly at her. She’s sort of glaring back at me. Q: “What do you say to those who say that you’re not a real woman?”

A: “Well I try to be a decent person about it and let it go. I really don’t need the pain and aggravation in my life but it hurts like hell on the inside. And it’s a pain that sits there with a lot of us.”

“What bother’s me the most is the times I get that from people who have just been put into boxes like I have.”

Q: “Well what about those people that say that transgendered people are just messed up gay people, that it’s all in your heads.”

A: “I’d say that they’re prejudiced and uninformed. Are you a messed up straight person? Or does you’re sexual preference come right from your soul? Do you know you’re a lesbian or do you have a male soul that’s coming through that body?”

She stands up off of her chair. “I have a female soul and yes I know deep inside that I love women. How dare you say that I have a guy’s soul!”

I look at her and sigh. “Look I didn’t say it I asked it and how do you know what your soul’s gender is? You can’t see it or measure it, so how do you know?”

“I just know! I don’t have to defend who or what I am to anybody!”

“I just know too, and I know just what you mean by not having to defend who I really am to anyone. I’m glad we’re on the same page about this stuff. Mizz. Novak.”

There’s a few claps and she looks around and she blinks and turns red faced and sits down a few minutes before getting up and heading to the ladies room.

I answer a few more questions and some of them are even funny stuff like my take on several of the teams and schools in the league and they’re surprised that I follow things enough. I talk sports with some of the reporters and sexuality and gender stuff as I see it with some others as well as bits about food, clothes and make up but after about fifteen minutes I excuse myself and head into the bathroom.

It’s busy considering the turn out and our ladies has only two stalls and one’s got Mizz Novak in it. I slip out hit the kitchen and come back. I knock on the stall door.” Mizz Novak are you okay?”

“No…I…I made an ass out of myself out there.”

“Oh yeah, and for my part in it I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? Why? I’m the one who was harassing you.” (Sniffle.)

“Here.” I kneel and slide a milkshake under the stall. She takes it.

“Thanks, what’s this?”

“Chocolate milkshake with a shot of vodka and three shots of kaluha in it.”

(Slurping sounds, then a sniff.) “Thanks…why are you being nice to me I was a bitch to you.”

“I’m not in a bitchy mood. Oh I can be a total cunt when I’m in the mood for it. Can I ask you a question?”

“Okay?”

“Why do you have a problem with me, or any other trans girl for that matter?”

“I don’t know? I mean it actually be that some of what you said it there haunting me in the back of my mind. That inside of me there’s something that’s not a real girl, I mean not like the straight girls. Or that I might have a thing for T-girls but I don’t want to because I’m a lesbian.”

“There’s a lot of T-girls that are lesbians.”

“I know and there’s a lot of lesbians that like that. And it’s like those of us who don’t have that something extra are getting shafted by guys in a whole new way. It’s like nothing we have is really sacred anymore. It’s like you guys are poisoning what is supposed to be a sisterhood thing.”

“Well I’m not a guy and really I never was. But I get what you mean, it’s part of the whole gender divide. Guys have been pissed for ages that the laws are making what used to be guy things only available for women. This is a twisted up version of that because most guys don’t want to be included into things that are traditionally women things. But those of us that are women inside hold every little scrap of being a girl and a woman to heart because that’s been denied to us just by a simple biological fact.”

“You sound like you thought about this stuff a lot.”

“Mizz Novak, there isn’t a T-girl out there that hasn’t self obsessed and read up on this stuff until it hurts even more. No matter how much you get it and can reason it out it’s not making you a girl anytime faster.”

“I get that. There’s a lot of lesbians that have turned research into culture. By the way I’m Anne.” (Sniffle.)

“Nice to meet you Anne, I’m Jenna.”

“I really feel like a douche for what I said to you, hounded you out there.”

“Well you really were being a douche so…”

She gave a watery laugh and came out of the stall. “You’re not cutting me any slack are you?”

“Hell no. and would any of your friends cut you any slack for doing that.”

“The few I had would have been cheering me on for trying to out you as a non-woman. But I think you’re actually a pretty decent girl. I just can’t see someone who’s faking being a woman being here and talking to me because I’m upset. You’re just too nice a girl really. God Jenna you make me feel like I’m not girl enough.”

“Oh that’s not it that’s just our typical female crazy. Over think, over emote, over analyze and then conclude that we’re not as good as the next person because of whatever reason.”

We actually burst out laughing together.

“Oh some hardcore lesbian feminist I am.”

“Anne honestly hardcore and feminism are oxymoron’s, like Military intelligence. If feminism is feminine then it should be strong not hard. Guy’s are hardcore women should be strong. We should be like silk.”

“Silk?”

“Silk. Look silk is soft, it’s something beautiful all of it’s own, it’s natural but also as much as it’s all that it’s delicate, it can be easily damaged but at the same time when wet, like when we cry silk can become so strong. We should be like silk, stronger because we can be empathic and care about other people.”

“Wow…I never thought of it like that.”

“I think about that stuff all the time. It’s all tied up with who I am and my faith and everything else.”

“You’re religious?”

“My Stepfather was Christian, my birthmother was Catholic, My real dad is just lapsed but that side of the family is United church…Me I’m Christian but with a strong leaning to God too. I’m not sure that I really have a religion but I’ve got faith, I’ve got lots of faith.”

“How can you believe in god with everything that goes on in the world?”

“Most of the stuff that’s gone on in the world is our own doing. From the wars to the weather it’s all on us and he’s not getting involved in a lot of it because of free will.”

“Free will.”

“Yup, you tell me if we made a non-faith choice to stop being assholes to each other, stop money grubbing and actually help our fellow man and neighbor then what would be the world then?”

“A whole lot different.”

“Exactly, free will. We could but for whatever reasons people have they won’t, or a lot of the time can’t or just refuse to.”

“Free will. But earthquakes and the weather. All those horrible things that just happen.”

“We’ve damaged the environment so there’s a lot of this on the human race and that goes towards free will. There’s places were it’s be smart for us as a species not to live but free will and the side effects of money, costs and all those factors are part of that too. And the stuff that just happens, that is God’s will, well those are opportunities for us to make ourselves better and we keep flunking the tests.”

“Huh?”

“If mankind could stop fighting globally just decide to stop and take all those resources and all those people and put it into disaster relief, medicine, world hunger, education…again it’s up to free will. Those disasters that happen shouldn’t just be sad things but times where the human race should just stand out and shine.”

“You do have a lot of faith.”

“I have to. Every time we do something where we can lead by example and just be decent to each other that closer I think we all really get to where God want’s us to be.”

“You gave me a lot to really think about Jenna.”

“Good stuff I hope?”

“I have no idea, actually a lot of it made sense and a lot of it is really kind of scary too. I’m not sure how I’m going to look at things after this. You’re really a lot smarter than the average eighteen year old girl.”

I hug her. She blinks a few times and the she seems to get why and smiles. I smile too and wipe at my own tears there.

“Anne, I honestly hope that no one ever has to go through the stuff I’ve gone through just to get to this point. I just want to get on with my life. I might be eighteen but I feel older sometimes.”

She looks me hard in the eyes like she’s looking for something there and she hugs me again. I hug her back then we stop and we fix out make up. Well I do, I don’t wear that much… ever but apparently Anne wears even less.

We hip hug like old girlfriends and head outside and we even get a few looks as what once was us not getting along seems to have switched around. I talk to a few more people and Anne seems to be surprising people by talking to some of them too in a whole lot less angry way. It all ends up getting done by nine twenty with a lot of them taking off to meet deadlines and I make sure all the leftovers from the stuff that was set out gets sent with these people in take out bags and lots of out flyer styled take out menu’s

***
I should be crashed, I’m sore and I’m beat and I just want to crawl into bed with Taylor and have the world just go away. But I’m also way too much of a masochist to not see what’s going on online and what they’re going to say about me and everything that’s gone with me and Hunter and Troy on the news.

I’m surprised at the lack of news on the subject. I mean I’m on there and the whole thing gets cover on the local channels for like a ten minute or so bit but they focus on the interviews and the comments about what happened, the You Tube stuff and there’s some comparing my chasing the car down to me playing football. There’s a side by side picture of me too and that was kind of wow because. One I look nothing like my old self and that me as James had such a resemblance to my Dad it’s kind of cool.

I snuggle into Taylor on the couch as they mention the fact that I’m married and to Taylor and there’s even some wedding photos of us.

So on the TV there’s not that much but on the computer there’s lot’s of comments and stuff on the various stories done and the blog-casts and online replies to the TV stories in their chatrooms and there’s a lot of activity and my Facebook page goes nuts and so does my PM boxes on some of the sites that I’m a member of.

I’m still answering PM’s and chatting and fighting in the online flames going on when the morning news comes on talking about Troy’s assault in the city jail and him being taken to a hospital in Calgary for his own protection…that’s what his lawyer said into the camera’s I reached over to the couch and shook Taylor away so he could watch the TV. He kisses me and gets up and heads to get cleaned up.

“Tay? Was that…?”

“I don’t want to know Jen, and neither do you.”

He’s right and part of me does and part of me doesn’t and god forgive me but I just can’t bring myself to care that Troy got hurt like that. I know it makes me seem like a bad person. I feel worse about not feeling that upset about him reaping what he had sown.

I close things down saying my goodbyes and go and climb into the shower with Taylor. I’m really beat but we’ve got stuff to do and them some plus I kind of want to see what’s in the newspapers and stuff. But it’s going to be a really long day.

***
There was more in the papers than what was on the news there’s a lot more of myself quoted in the articles and it’s a little odd seeing so many people here with their noses in their newspapers.

It’s strange and yet the tips are great but it’s a busy, morning with a lot of traffic in from people who are new to the place. I feel a bit like there are a lot of people here to catch a look at me and see me up close and personal. I’m really tempted to get something thin on and go braless but I’m too tired for any of that stuff.

One thing that’s filling up fast is these three big blue water jugs with a picture of Me covering Hunter and their on jugs with End violence against women on them and various shelters and like projects. By ten their a third full and I see bills in there too with a lot of big change, there must be a couple of hundred in each one.

As sore as I am the charity bit is a nice silver lining to all of it and I take some of my small change in tips and put money in the other jars that aren’t getting attention. Nin and Holly, Dallas and Kendal are doing the same. Kendal’s shaking her head.

“What?”

“It’s this, doing something like this and living as myself and I’m waiting tables and I’m making more here than I was down home in my old life. I must have made forty bucks so far just in tips today.”

“Yeah, I get that. I’m still not used to the money either but I’ve seen the books and you know how bust we are.”

“Yeah, it’s just weird but in the best way.”

“I know.”

I just get done busing my tables and get ready to start the prep for lunch when Billy and Davey come walking in through the doors looking tired and like they’ve been through the ringer.

I know what they did.

I don’t care because I’m around the counter as fast as I could get and I’m hugging both of them like the big brothers that they are to me.

Because like everyone knows, real family is what you make of it.

And Family is everything.

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Chapter 30

I can’t help it. I’m crying with still pent up feelings and hugging both Davey and Billy and hugging them with everything I’ve got. I was never connected to my feelings back then as Jaime and I was and only child too. These boys, My Boys and Tim…they’re the family I’ve always wanted, my heroes, my brothers.

Oh-boy…Just thinking about that, them and family…get’s me worked right up into bawling but it’s happy crying and Davey kisses my cheek and in his quiet voice say’s. “Hey…I know…love you too…Sis…” then Billy hugs me and just say’s “Yeah…” but the kiss on my forehead says volumes and they pass me to Taylor and it’s past perfect me feeling so loved I’m crying and My Husband takes me into those arms of his and he holds me so perfectly tight, so close.

I close my eyes a second just pulling this all into my soul and let the tears come, they’re just good happy tears but they’re healing ones too. Thank you…God…just…Thank You.

I’m not the only one. And to my heart that’s so good.

Tim had gone and got the boys. I get to see him walk in in the construction worker, tool belt gunfighter like stride to Holly and he slides onto one of the stool as the counter then pulls her onto his lap and holds her and buries his face into her neck and her hair. It feel Taylor echoing him and I push my neck into his lips as he’s kissing me. I can feel my heart filling with light and love. Tired? Aches? Bruises? It honestly doesn’t even register to me right now.

Davey goes over to Njinda and they slip into each others arms and she press her head to his chest. His arms go around her and you can see her breathing him in, she’s sniffling. I can here her. “I was scared for you…before in my life….in Somalia, when a good man does the right thing…they do not come back too many times…I...I...am very glad you came back to me David.”

He reached down to her chin and lifts her face to her and runs his fingers through her hair and puts his forehead to hers and they start to share tiny kisses, little sweet ones over and over again. “Always Nin, I’ll always come home to you, I’ll Always find you.”

Then I get to watch Billy walk in like the biker he is and right over to Kendal who’s biting her lip still that scared and nervous to be the girl she is. He walks right up to her and take’s her face in both of his hands and he plants a long deep French kiss on her and he arms wave a little up and down in the whole…OMG…whadda-I-Do? Way before she gets swept away by being kissed and I get to see her arms slip around his neck and her leg go up a little and there’s melting mascara and tears sliding down her cheeks and she’s beaming.

It’s so great to see someone you care about so much just starting to shine. To see a friend find love.

It’s only a small break in our morning but Dallas and Dad cover while we have our moments and even though we don’t want to we get back to work. It’s busy, really busy all day I’d have thought we’d slowed down but there’s a lot of the alternative crowd still showing up. We’re packed to overflowing for lunch.

I’m getting a kick seeing a few short cut hair, dye and pierced lez girls sitting elbow to elbow eating with our rail yard regulars. It’s cool to see them getting along. But Mavericks has a certain kind of crowd that’s the regulars here. We just treat people like people.

It’s lunch so we’re serving up Taylor’s soups, we’re doing a minestrone and then his chicken soup and today with out new crowd he’s got a vegan-veggie soup. I’ve had a mug of it and it’s good.

Extra-virgin olive oil that he heated then fried fresh ground black pepper and some nutmeg, then diced onions and some crushed garlic, then just grated carrots, diced eggplant, chopped tomatoes and a bunch of escarole greens we use for stuff like wedding soup and fresh thyme and rosemary. That’s it really, we serve it up with a big chunk of bread that we butter and toss on salt and pepper and cumin and fry it on the grill.

I’m not a big vegetarian person or vegan food person just too much an Alberta girl but this stuff sells really well but Taylor’s minestrone is the best selling soup we have.

We do our sandwiches too and the whole soup and a sandwich thing is still really popular as a whole. Then there’s our lunch specials of lasagna, and shepherds pie and Mac & Cheese. We do only our special items, we don’t run a place were you can just walk in and get a burger. It’s easier to cook that way but Taylor and I’ve been talking about a daily menu with some permanent items.

We need to do that and if the pace keeps up like this then we’ll have to hire more people. Lunch rush doesn’t end until close to two and aside from the handful of people between things we are busy cleaning up and making stuff for supper rush.

Me, I’m back to baking, making my cinnamon rolls. I think I’ve gone over this before but I just take bread dough and a lot of it and roll it out on the baking table then smear it all with real butter and then add this mixture of brown sugar, a little nutmeg and all-spice and a whole lot of cinnamon. Then I have a spray bottle of water or apple juice and wet down the spices and I roll them up like a jelly-roll and cut them into slices you lay into the pans on their sides.

I put them into a great big baking dish I’ve buttered and added brown sugar too and wet that down too, it melts when I bake it into a sugar caramel and I make pan after pan of them and let them rise. The icing is dead easy, butter, lot’s of cream cheese and icing sugar a pinch of salt and some vanilla and you just smear it out over them while hot and it get’s all melty.

Taylor kisses me into putting a few into a pie plate for him early. No matter how he’s feeling he always seems to be able to eat these. With his treatments I’m making these a lot.

Supper menu…mashed potatoes, and we make several meatloaves and roast beef. Now my contribution is making an African pot pie with Njinda as something to try. Just a stew with some nutmeg and some allspice berries in it and lots of red chili paste in chicken broth we take parsnips and a lot of carrots and sweet potatoes, celery, diced onions. Now we add in regular potatoes and three finely sliced lemons skin and all. My twist is to bake some chicken thighs in Shake ‘N Bake until really browned and crispy and then I de-bone them and toss them into the stew and let it sit. The dry crispy brown chicken sucks in liquid and gets tender and adds a lot of flavor. Nin and I make them put into out deep white soup bowls that we just top with pie crust. Holly comes up with her own twist to use some egg on the pie crust like you would to brown it but we us it to dust them with shake and bake.

Turns out good and we’re busy all over again. The roast beef is always a hit and we go through about six large roasts and potatoes and gravy or fries. Meatloaf is also popular but the chicken pot pies go over well with the new crowd of people that come in.

My cinnamon rolls sell out as desert and a lot get taken home. There’s at least six or seven dozen that get sold. I’m making more, we run out and we had to tell a lot of people sorry.

I end up making them until closing.

Taylor comes down and gets me and wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck and kisses me. He’s got everything done even the office work and we very gratefully head to our apartment for the night.

Actually I get into the bath and take a lot soak and we end up crawling into bed together and watch a little TV with him spooning me. I don’t remember when I fell asleep but I remember waking up about five with Tay pressing into me. I take the opportunity to wake him up and satisfy a craving I’ve been having.

I’ve actually found myself enjoying that a bit more since getting clipped and my hormones seem to be really kicking in. It might be mostly in my head but it doesn’t matter, I love him and I like doing this with him, for him, for me. I know a lot of girls not into oral sex and get turned off by it but not me.

It’s something I actually find as something very personal and a deep, powerful way of me showing him my love, and attention, and devotion.

Of course once he’s been woke up by my surprise. We end up making love and then after my hormones, and shower, it’s just enough time for breakfast.

I love this time of the day. We go downstairs and fire everything up and Holly and Tim are there with the kids and then Davey shows up with Nin and Dallas with her truck and them Angie (Mom) and Dad and Hunter with Billy and Kendal showing last.

It’s a family breakfast with us doing prep and everyone getting fed before work or school and we laugh and carry on and have fun all together and there’d hugs too. Most of us haven’t really ever had this before, either just grew up without this or had shitty home lives.

It’s more than I could have ever dreamt for really.

…………………….Today was the same as yesterday and we got really, really busy but we were getting better at the rush and getting prepared and in between there’s me and the girls hanging and doing our laundry out back in shifts and talk about our guys.

Holly’s the old married woman sort of with all of us and we get to all laugh at her stories and we talk and giggle at Dallas’s dating and war stories of being single. Kendal’s all blushes and giggles over being in real love for the first time with Billy and talking about sex candidly in a group of women.

I get her; I get the light and the glow in her. There’s something just so right in belonging. I the group, but even just belonging in your own life. There’s a lot of girls like Kendal and me that never get to live “Our.” lives.

………………………..The next few days after everything with Troy and the whole paintball fiasco. And we’re hitting our stride and Kendal’s getting our website up for Mavericks and getting us up on Twitter and Facebook and stuff and we are getting a lot of hits, The uniforms from Debbie are in and our menu’s and posters from Chelsea both are two my T-girl friends who came up who does this sorts of printing and wrote off the trip as a business trip and I got the chance to throw some work the way of my friends. Taylor and all of us get together and we start to get things in order for our new menus and stuff.

I Love my husband. I mean not only does he say Our Place when talking to Mavericks but he’s giving an honest say to all of us here and the girls and everything in what we should do. We even end up hiring two extra waitresses and a culinary student. Why? We’re expanding our hours but we’re also making it so we’re not (Taylor and I.) going to be working all the time. (Big Smiles.)

So it’s going to be like this:

Soup and sandwiches are always going to be on the menu. Chicken soup, minestrone, wedding soup and soup of the day. Sandwiches are corned beef, chicken salad, tuna, turkey and mixed cold-cuts.

Breakfast daily is bacon; eggs, fried baloney, hash browns, corned beef hash and house waffles and granola.

Deserts daily; are homemade doughnuts, chocolate cake, soft ice cream and pies we mostly do pies lemon, apple, coconut cream, cherry, blueberry and the pie of the day and of course my cinnamon rolls. I add a desert of the day too.

Monday’s lunch; Mac ‘n cheese, lasagna, shepherds pie.

Monday’s supper; Stew of the day, meatloaf, roast beef dinner.

Tuesday’s lunch; Baked beans, scalloped potatoes, oven roasted ham.

Tuesday’s supper; Corned beef and cabbage, pirogues, bratwursts and summer sausages.

Wednesday’s lunch; Chili and cornbread, spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and eggplant parmesan.

Wednesday’s supper; same as the lunch only replace the Chili and cornbread with a Alfredo penne or a penne with bolognaise.

Thursday’s lunch; Shake ‘n bake chicken, biscuits and gravy (Courtesy of Kendal.) Njinda’s home stew.

Thursday’s Supper; Roast Chicken Dinner, Jenna’s Fried Chicken, roasted potatoes, Mavericks Pork Chops.

Friday’s lunch; Chicken stew with dumplings, Maverick’s Goulash, Irish Stew.

Friday’s supper; Fish and chips, strip steak, turkey supper.

Saturday’s all day, BBQ Ribs with corn bread and coleslaw, baked beans and sweet potatoes and greens.

Sunday’s!…… We’re closed. It’s clean up, and prep day but mostly it’s going to be a day off for us.

Our uniforms are black jeans or black denim skirts and a black tee-shirt with the word Mavericks in big red brick letters on the back with a smaller logo on the front in a round patch and a brick red pattern on the waist and neck and sleeves. There’s ball caps and baseball styled button up shirts or large thin football jerseys that are like the tee shirts those’ll be great when it’s hot and lastly we’ve our hoodies, those are staff gifts.

Yeah it’s a lot of stuff but it’ll give us lots of choices and it was a really big order so it was good for my friends.

Sunday…our new day off and when we do our prep work and stuff for the week we have everyone over who can make it for the staff to help out but we start what I’m hoping might be a tradition and that’s the staff/family Sunday dinner.

After the dishes Taylor comes up and wraps those arms around me and gives me a squeeze. I lean into the hug, into him. I love the way his strength surrounds me, that flutter in my heart. “Long week.” I murmur as I turn around and kiss him pushing my breasts into his chest. I love the feel of his hard muscles on my skin, his arms pull me closer, his hands cup my butt.

“Yeah but it’s worth it Jen.”

“I know, it feels like things are starting to get on track.”

“Finally, god it feels like my life’s been on hold forever since I was diagnosed.”

“Well things are different now, I kind of like change y’know.”

“Really?”

“Mmm hmm, you do to.”

“I do?”

“Yeah that is unless you think you’d have been more into football players than me.”

“Uhm no… Jaime might have been seen as cute by the girls, but Jenna is so much more sweet, lovely and beautiful.”

“Oh, that was so the right thing to say.”

“Oh well how about this?”

“This what?” I kiss him and smile.

“Date night tonight.”

“Oh, You’re on a roll.” I kiss him again and head upstairs. “So where are we going?”

“I was thinking a bit of stuff, go to the mall.”

“The Mall?”

“West Edmonton.”

“Okay. Casual stuff then?”

“No get a bit dressy hon, there’s some nice stuff there.”

“Really, I’ve never had been there.”

“Really?”

“Step-dad…I got to play a bit of hockey there with him and went to some of the sporting good stores but never really been there or looked around.”

“Well today I’m going to change that.”

“Can I wear a dress?”

“I’d love that.” He says that with this melt my heart smile. It makes me bite my lip and I run up the stairs and start getting ready. Excited you bet. I’ve never really gone dating and the other stuff. I’ve only ever been out as me with Taylor but it’s been so much more than I ever thought each time.

He never fails to make me feel the way I always wanted to feel.

Shower, and Nair away stuff and then lotion and then do my hair with the blow dryer, I miss my hair, it’s so darned short right now and I kind of do it sort of like the sexy Annie Lennox look and I get powdered and into a nice set of lingerie, lacy push up bra and panties to match La Pearla brand in this light pink with white lace and these knit lacy leggings like stockings but warmer and they have these rubber tops with Velcro to keep them up and over that this three quarter thigh length sweater dress that’s sort of this light mix of peach and pink.

I love the way this looks on me, it just hugs in all my right places and it has a v-neck that makes my boobs look really great. I finish my make up and get on a nice pair of dangly earrings and a nice necklace finishing with a bit of perfume.

I Love the way Taylor looks at me when I come out of the bathroom. He smiles and kisses me and we head down to the truck and lock everything up and he drives us out to the West Edmonton Mall.

I love being with him. I love him helping me into the truck and the fact he armor-alls it and febreezes it before we go out. I love just driving with him. The more I’m with him the more I love him, just talking with him. Even just cooking and being in the kitchen with him even when we’re too busy to talk makes me feel.

Before I was Jenna, I never could really feel anything as Jaime. Or maybe it wasn’t really me so I didn’t connect to the world around me.

The Mall is huge, one of the biggest in the world at one point it was but not anymore, still it’s at least the sized a a good sized town in here.

Taylor takes me inside and we go window shopping stopping for him to buy me a rose. Then we go skating together in the Ice Palace and after a hot chocolate we go to Marine Life and watch the sea lions and stuff then he takes me to supper out at The Red Piano….god what a nice restaurant and Taylor…Taylor had made reservations …I had a really great steak and baked potato and a real chef made crá¨me brule that has me having eye rolling foodgasms.

I’m a blissed out happy girl on Taylor’s arm as we window shop a little more heading to the Scotia-Bank theatre. Today was a good day, today was a very good day.

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Chapter 31

The movie was well… (Big grin.)

I haven’t the foggiest.

Back when I was Jaime I was so out of the whole actual emotional connection that I went to a date to the movies and I watched the movie. It was good in a way because it did let me turn my brain off. But the whole make out thing in the movie theatres. I never did that.

Not until tonight with Taylor. We slipped up into the back balcony seating and we snuggled into each other as best we could and we kissed, and kissed and oh god we kissed. There were touches too and he got some over and under the bra action too which sort of made it better but we spent nearly two hours really making out like we are supposed to just by being the ages that we really are.

Two hours…

I got to kiss the most amazing guy in the world and the love of my life exploring the whole spectrum of kissing him for nearly two blessed hours.

Honestly it’s such a real and normal thing it was perfect.

We leave the theatre pretty much amongst the last to leave and we get in the truck and we don’t go home right away, we get a coffee and we drive around and listen to music on the stereo and just be.

It was really nice but after my first yawn Taylor kissed me and smiled and nuzzled my face. “I agree, let’s go home babe.”

We get home and we take a shower together and do out bathroom usuals and then he spoon-walks me to bed.

I love it when he does that.

He comes up and he presses up against me and he wraps those powerful arms of his around me and he holds me so tight. Not like hurting me tight but right there in this zone where I can feel the strength and power of that rocking body he’s got humming against my skin.

It’s that real obvious thing that he’s a guy and he’s really stronger than me and he’s got that jaded past so I know that he can fight and he’s a dangerous man in a good way…and all of that is mixed and tempered with this love that he’s holding me with and how gentle he is as we walk to the bed just as close as close can get and so loving…

He starts by kissing my neck, my ear and his hands start to move. I love the feeling of his hands, the power in them. I love the feeling of the gentleness and even the fact he’s got work rough hands and he’s trying to make his gestures and touches soft and loving.

You really know your One is really the One when they can kiss you with a touch instead of their lips.

I really hope that’s true for everyone. No matter what kind of loving relationship they have.

That touching goes to him undoing my bra but he doesn’t just let it fall away, no he holds it there and he gently cups my breasts and gently, gently fondles them, touches then teases then using the satin or nylon and the lace in my bra to make the entire experience just more…still spooning but hard so hard against me and his body heat soaking into me so just so…right. Then he’s kissing my neck still and the music by this time is starting to play out of our stereo.

He lay’s me down on the bed and soon but almost not soon enough Taylor’s inside of me and I’m loving the feeling of being together in whatever way we can, feeling him inside of me, his heat his heat inside of me and the passionate loving strength as he takes me in his hands and makes love to me.

“I Swear.” By John Michael Montgomery is such a great song to have playing it the background when you’re with your lover, it’s sorta country, mostly rock and roll and so very much Taylor.

“When a man loves a woman” By Percy Sledge is such a great song when you really get deeply into it, when the lovemaking is sweaty and strong and insistent.

But ….there’s nothing really like the whole friggin cliché of making the best part of making love with “Unchained melody.” Playing in the background by the Righteous brothers….alive, so alive even so happy and fulfilled until I’m smiling and crying tears of joy.

What an amazing thing to fall asleep to loved, cared for and spent and pulled into Taylor’s arms as he moves and takes the wet spot and curls up with me and I get to fall asleep listening to his heartbeat.

I have this good dream, I’m asked by this voice just out from nowhere but white peaceful light and mist. If there was one thing I would want right now but for someone else…I smiled and closed my eyes and heard my husbands heart beating away…This…I wish them this…please, please just do that please…Have the just know to ask the ones they love some night even with all the daily grind. Please, Love can I listen to your heart tonight…or just do it while cuddling in front of the TV…do it life’s to short.

It’s too good a thing to miss out on.

………………………I wake up really weepy, but really happy. It’s a real nice change of pace to wake up and there happy tears there instead of pain and loneliness. I very carefully slink out of bed and turn on the music again and I slide down and wake Taylor up in my own version of playing the “trumpet” as Louie Armstrong’s “What a wonderful World.” starts to play.

Sorry Louie. (Bashful grin.)

………………………The day heralds the way it actually seems to go the next two weeks. We’ve got the new wait staff hired on two new girls Donna and Harmony. Harm’s not a blonde but a bit of a dark haired Goth type and we get Austin as the kid we’ve hired out of culinary school.

Austin’s a godsend here early and he does a lot of the prep work for us and he’s a dab hand in the bakery part of the place and he got a place close by in the same place that Kendal was renting a motel room by the week.

Kendal actually moved out of that place and in with Billy and she’s gotten a lot more passable and she’s finally gotten her carry letter and she’s working on getting her dual citizenship. She’s been really dropping off some of the weight that she had been carrying something that Marley had called guilt and shame weight.

I guess it’s pretty common with us transwomen that we can’t look the way that we need the world to see us or we think that we can’t so it’s a lot of that whole fuck it If I can’t have people see me for me I’m going to make it so no one will look at me including me.

I’ve been seeing Marley a lot more now that things aren’t as desperate and bust for is at the diner. I’m usually out at her place with her and her spouse and the gaggle full of kids and we’re usually talking while doing chores.

We talk a lot about what it really means to be Trans and to be a woman. I’ve always been a girl and I’m more sure of that than I’ve ever been in my life but this is me more getting to steep myself in the whole experience.

It might not be a popular thing but I’m kind of in that camp that doesn’t really like the fact some post op’s go a sort of reverse stealth. It’s just like they’re still ashamed of the person they used to be.

I just can’t do that, I was who I was when I thought that was the real me. The thing is I’m trying to separate into these like lists. And I’m kind of matching the things up about the two times in my life that are really the same, shared things for good or for bad but really these defining things that I can start to look back on and say. “That’s me.”

My little friends who were not my friends being gone has started to take a stronger effect finally, I’ve gained about twenty two pounds since my wedding and my breasts are filled out really nicely now with a 32 C and I’m finally starting to actually get a butt.

And my hair, my hair is finally starting to get to just an inch or so off of my shoulders and is filling in nicely.

Taylor’s hair really comes in thick and fast he’s got about an inch of his gorgeous golden blonde back now and it looks so good on him. And better yet his last three sets of tests have been clear and he’s got a lot more energy.

If we keep making love and having sex the way that we have been in the last week then I’m going to try to put on some more weight with the amount of calories that you burn off while making love. Seriously, pretty much a lot before we got to sleep every night and I wake up with him ready and more than will to go…that a big thing really, no pun intended that he’s feeling better that much that him getting turned on well happens while he’s sleeping and that it wakes him up apparently is a really good sign.

And it’s not just those time either there’s at least once in a day that we spend bouncing off the walls somewhere totally at random while. I’m actually sore at first as we’ve been doing it that much but even if I go down on him I end up with all the powerful hormones running through my seventeen year old brain…just falling victims to my own libido I guess and we’re both just…

Sigh…yeah…

And my operation date is getting closer and closer.

We’re getting it scheduled for March break for Hunter and it’s really not that far away. Angie’s from New Brunswick a place called Fredericton and we’re going to use the whole thing to go afterwards to see her parents and family then heard over to Prince Edward Island and see Grams and Gramps’s place and where Dad had grown up.

………………..It was Friday when Njinda showed up for work late, pale…and it takes some doing to get a Somali girl pale…crying and shaking and when she came in she went right for the bathroom and started throwing up.

Holly and I went in and held her hair and rubbed her back. Holly asking her. “Nin honey are you okay…are you… pregnant?”

She shakes her head so and spits a few times and falls back to the floor and we catch her and ease her back gently. She pulls her legs up around and wraps her arms around her knees.

I know that look and that’s fear.

“Nin…come on you’re safe here, tell me what happened.” I kneel down in front of her and use some wet paper towel to wipe her face.

“Eeet was him…him…Tkumo….from home; he was one of the militia killers with the Imam …he was one of the men who killed my sisters…”

“Oh shit…” Holly and I both say it together.

Nin’s rocking back and forth. “I was getting things theeese morning at the store to take home after work and he was there…at the store getting a so-da…he looked at me… and he knew me…he knew me from home and he knew that I knew heem to I seen it in hees eyes…He make the cut your throat ting with hees hand at me…”

She yells/cries out. “How deed he get ‘ere I though we were safe!?!”

I look at Holly as I pull Njinda into my arms. “Go tell everyone, close the place up and call the boys.”

“Not the cops?”

“Yeah them too but call the boys first.”

“Okay.”

“Hols…”

“Yeah?”

“Tell Taylor to go get her mom.”

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Chapter 32

I’m not sure if it was the thing with Troy or just some defensive woman instinct running through me but even as I rocked Njinda my body was humming with this. He’s not going to touch her; he’s not going to hurt her. Njinda’s family…no one’s going to hurt my family.

It’s not too long before the guys showed up there was a mix of gravel and tires skidding to a halt on pavement. Then Holly’s letting Tim and Davey inside. Tim’s holding Holly and Davey takes Njinda out of my arms and she bursts out bawling and he hugs her and picks her up right off her feet and sets her on the edge of one of the booth tables and he holds her a bit more and he’s whispering to her in the quiet Davey way and she’s nodding then wrapping her arms around his neck and he leans in and kisses her then they touch foreheads looking into her eyes.

I swear he’s in her heart and mind because they’re doing that and they’re both calming down. Like they’re falling into each other.

Me once I’m freed to move I’m all nervous energy and making coffee and I slipped to the back room and grabbed a couple of bottles. Yeah sometimes alcohol doesn’t help but sometimes a good stiff one settles the nerves. Nin…No, not until the police show, the last thing we need is some guy brushing this off because he smelled booze on her breath.

I pace, even checked the windows a few times. Kendal’s doing the same and she’s as nervous if not more than I am.

There’s a bit of relief, no a lot of relief when I see Taylor coming back with Nin’s Mom in out truck and Billy flanking right along the truck on his motorcycle. Billy has a gym bag with him that looks kind of suspicious. I hold the door for them and Billy quick kisses Kendal the takes a fast line to the walk in.

Right, I’m not even going to ask.

Not when this murderer got past all our rules to try and not be the bastard he was over in Somalia.

Our boys don’t use the rules.

Tim goes out and brings some suitcases in and we lock the doors again and wait. It doesn’t take too long before the police show and we let them in. Honestly I think we got lucky with the cops that came, one was a semi regular and the other a young guy.

Either way they got a good look at how scared Njinda was and they took this seriously. Well the older cop did and the young guy was still sort of stunned about the stuff that had gone on over there with Nin and her family and I heard him asking the older cop a couple of times. “How the hell does a monster like that get over here?” The older cop was smart enough to just say. “There’s a way in and out of everywhere Scott, it’s our job to get these guys when they do pop up.”

Yeah a debating stuff like this is never good. All you here nowadays is how terrorists get in here or get into there but it’s not that simple, you don’t hear the press going on about how the refugee that get out of the hell holes they’ve been in get out.

No I don’t think the press has a political agenda unless it’s like something like Fox or Al Franken. I do think that they do push out more bad than good and seem to celebrate when bad things happen far more than anything good.

I would raise money for a news channel that has the mission statement of “Don’t give up.”

But it’s sort of our own fault. It’s the consume it all I don’t care ADHD we seem to have now.

The News is like a stripper, we want to see the nasty stuff, the juicy bits but see it again? We’ve already seen her boobs get us another terrible thing.

Sorry, stuff like this just gets to me now. I don’t know if it’s getting to be myself for real or if it’s the hormones but Jaime, Jaime never really had an opinion on anything. I wasn’t stupid but if it just didn’t fit my self profile t never computed.

Once I was out though I’ve been a lot more well informed since I became Jenna, I only really lived online and with my online friends for the longest time and just never got that whole human contact thing, I was still in PTSD from my attack and from the other attacks by Troy and Ingrid on my life and who I was. But I was still growing and becoming the me that I guess I am now even then.

God I’m all over the place.

I get like that scattered, and nervous and thinking way too much like this when shit like this happens, and….and….

“Hey, relax…breathe Jen.”

Taylor comes up from behind me and he wraps those arms of his around my body and he hugs me and holds me from behind and we stand spoon. The thing where he’s pressed right into me and it’s not because he’s hard or horny but because he loves me and wants to be close to me.

He actually does this with me at least a few times a day. Getting ready in the morning we’ll do this or close to it in the bathroom in front of the mirror or waiting for the coffee to brew. Or right in that lunch rush lull when you don’t have to wait on anyone because they’re all stuffing their faces.

Or now, as he holds me and shifts back and forth from foot to foot rocking me, holding me together while sweetly getting me to breathe. Ladies, my husband rocks.

I close my eyes and drift a few minutes and its majik, the way it just went from one forty to like thirty five in my brain.

I open my eyes and turn around and kiss him deeply a few times and then we move over to sit with the rest of the family and just wait.

Waiting really sucks.

It took three hours for the RCMP to show but there were four cars and one with federal government stickers in the windows. Actually I’m glad that it took so long because it gave Dad time to show up and everything.

Which was a good thing because the Mounties were good and they were pretty thorough but the government jackasses were from the department of immigration and they asked questions and showed pictures of people Nin or her mother had never seen before and it all sounded like they were trying to link Nin and her mom to like terrorist or gangs or something.

It took a lot for me not to say stuff.

Dad had said plenty and one of the government types wasn’t happy with them having their own council and I couldn’t follow all the legalese. But I served out food and coffee and fought the temptation to spill the stuff all over these assholes and stuff.

I did hear a different non-legal version when I passed the men’s room and Dad and one of the assholes were inside.

“Your client didn’t need council.”

“That’s funny because it certainly seemed like you’re looking to force her to admit to something that she’s not a part of.”

“You can’t be sure of that, how well do you know her.”

“Not too well but my daughter does.”

“Daughter…yes well lets not go there.”

“Excuse me?”

“No never mind. Now look here we’ll find out if she’s dirty, a lot of these so called refugee aren’t they have crap for documents coming out of that third world fucking monkey-land and we have no way of knowing if she’s who she said she is or not. Just back the hell off and let me do my job.”

There’s a thud of someone hitting a wall inside hard…

“You’re…you’re choking me…”

Then I hear my Daddy and I’m so calling him Daddy for this.

“Listen here you racist little bureau-toad, you think you’re the shit because you’ve got a little paper slip saying you can inspect this and that and bully people? I’ve lived in the states for a good long time you little shit and you know one of the good things about the changes since nine-eleven? I’ve had case after case against shits like you and homeland security and other pissants like you that all you really are is a fucking hemroid.”

There’s another thump.

And another thump.

The town cops…the older guy went “Repeat that?” and “Checked” his radio pulling the kid out on the patio.

The other government guy looked at the RCMP guys and there was a subtle shift with Taylor, Tim, Davey, and Billy and there was a bit of tension there, the Mounties are tough lads but at the same time…

I missed the rest of what Dad said but the guy came out looking scared of my Daddy in that the bully being afraid of a real man kind of way. Everyone sat back down and the other government guy says.

“Alright just what the hell’s going on here?”

Daddy looks at him. Then at the little weasel who turns paler and paler under Daddy’s stare then get’s up. “Excuse me I’m not feeling well.” He leaves beating a hasty retreat to the government car and starts to throw up outside of it.

Daddy blandly turns to the other guy. “Nothing, something he ate must not have agreed with him. Maybe the food here was a little too ethnic for him.”

There’s a staring contest guy measuring guy thing going on with that form of testosterone-telepathy that female brains can’t pick up and something happened because the other guy said. “Okay then we’ll just have to continue on without Mr. Dobson.”

It was like there was a switch thrown or something and the guy was civil and he was thorough and calm and actually nice about the whole thing. He did take a break and went outside for a smoke and talked to the weasel that stayed out in the car. He came back and I couldn’t, just couldn’t help myself.

“Is your friend going to be alright sir?” innocent blink, blink, blink.

“Oh he’ll likely be fine I think he came down with something like hoof and mouth or something but I don’t imagine that he’ll be returning with me about this case miss.”

“That’s Mrs. But I’m glad he’s alright.” I move off and I hear Nin saying.

“This ess, good I do not like that man, he scared me.”

Daddy smiles and rubs her hand. “It’s okay, the stuff he was asking before won’t really count so much on this Njinda he common mistake right Mr. Jacobs?”

Yeah, he pissed off my Daddy.

“Uhm yes quite right Mr. Powers, I think he’ll be looking for something in another department.”

“Just not veteran’s affairs.” Daddy says.

“Excuse me?”

“I served.” He nods his head to Nin and her Mother and looked at the Jacobs fellow. “Over there.”

“Peacekeeping?”

“Yeah.”

I thought there was a mood shift before but the guy and the Mounties all sort of shifted somehow. It’s like the rules of how things got perceived changed. I don’t really get why but I do, it’s some respect thing that’s pretty big.

They finish up with a few questions and things about where they’ll be staying and stuff like that and that they’ll be in touch as soon as they have any information on the case and their safety.

The RCMP and he leave and there’s sort of a sigh with the tension going out of the room and I’m getting a great big slice of my lemon meringue pie and Kendal’s chewing her thumbnail beside me.

“That’d never happen home, the cops and the Feds they wouldn’t take that what happened …just now, are they just letting it slide or are they going to deport me or something and I’ll be in trouble when I get back to the states?”

I hug her. “No honey, you’ll be fine. There was just this little so and so that thought his job made him a bigger man than he was…I don’t get all of it honey but we’re good, you’re safe….Billy, tell her she’s okay.”

I take the pie over to Daddy and I set it in front of him with a tall cold glass of milk then I hug him.

“I’m so proud to be your daughter Daddy.”

He hugs me back with this smile there that makes up for all the stress and bullshit we had today/this afternoon. I break the hug to have Nin hug him, and then her mother hugging him calling him a “Sweet, Sweet Man.” Over and over and Holly hugs him and tweaks his nose. “You’re a good guy dammit and now you’re making me cry. I’m so telling Angie what you did.”

I’m on that verge of happy tears and going over to Taylor and slip into his arms and snuggle into his chest and his scent and his strength and I notice Kendal’s looking out the window looking confused and Billy is passing a roll of cash to the town cops who are giving him a DVD.

We’re just watching when he comes in and Kisses Kendal and passes her the disk. “It’s the security video for the store; can you go and copy this to so I can get it back?”

Kendal looks at us and at him then at the disk then at Njinda and her mom. She straightens up like she found this something in her. She kisses him bolder than she ever had before in public. “Yeah, no problem…no one hurts our family right?”

She slips upstairs and Taylor hugs me tighter.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a look like he was so in love before on Billy’s face before.

Yeah Kendal, yeah…family is everything.

I tilt my head up and kiss my husband.

Images 33

Chapter 33

Billy gets the disc back to the city cop and we all end up in the office getting a look at the bastard that’s threatened Nin and her mom. The lot of us are seriously angry and feeling defensive about the whole situation.

But with the bad there’s some good. I’m pressing into Taylor and he’s holding me extra tightly and secure, Davey’s doing the same for Njinda and Billy’s picked Kendal up to put her on his lap in front of the computer. He holds her as tight as Taylor’s holding me and you can here him whispering. “I’m so proud of you beautiful…you’re amazing…” in her ear.

It’s something girls like me and Kendal seriously doubt that we’ll ever have.

Taylor pulls me away from the whole scene and those angry thoughts. And he takes me out of there and into the hall and leans me against the wall and smiles then he runs his fingers through my hair a couple of times from front to back then he kisses me. Oh this, this helps, more than he’ll ever know this helps me…centers me…calms my soul.

He’s the one who had the cancer…and he’s saved my life ever since I walked through those doors.

Taylor breaks the kiss and smiles that smile of his, it’s sort of this half a smile but not. It’s not half anything not when you know him. The short hair, those Rocky Mountain spring morning blue-grey eyes the slight bit of stubble there…that half smile from his lips is completed by the way hat he looks at me.

I can look into those eyes of his and always, always see I love you there.

“Better Hon?”

“Yeah, much thank you baby.” I tell him but step in and bury my face into his chest and just breathe. “I needed to step away from that stuff.”

“I know, I could feel you tensing up and tensing up and knew that this wasn’t a good scene for you.”

“It’s this, that asshole dad was dealing with and the bullshit with Troy…I’d just like it to stop Tay, I just want this stuff to stop and our life to start.” (sniffle.)

“I know, I know I’m just hoping for the same. Don’t worry…it’ll get resolved.”

No sooner really than he said that Davey and Billy and Tim are headed out of the office with that look that those hard guys of ours get. That’d have scared me awhile ago but now this is our guys who aren’t the cleanest guys law wise being the guys they are. That kind of guy that all girls want their guys to be.

I look at Taylor and the look he has watching them heading out and pull myself up his shoulders and kiss him passionately for all that I’m worth and even slip him my tongue and keep going until I can feel him harden against me.

I’m aching with need too but I step back let him go and lean against the wall panting a little.

“Go..”

“Go?” He’s breathing hard and yet… “You sure?”

“Yes, go…go take care of our family.”

He kisses me again pinning me to the wall in a good way and his hands are all over me to the point where he pulls them away and holds them away for a minute and my hand rubs his crotch and at that he thumps the wall lightly a few times on either side of me to work through it.

It’s a charge, a boost to my female soul that I can do that to him. And that makes me feel strong. Strong as a woman feels different than strong as a guy.

“Okay…okay…I’m going.” He leaves heading out after the guys and I follow to watch him from the top of the stairs as he pulls on a black ski cap and shoves his feet into his biker boots and getting into his leather jacket…I lost sight of him a minute but see him and a baseball bat get into our truck and he backs out and pulls away leaving a spin of gravel.

I sit there for a bit just soaking in the feelings love, pride in him, in all of us and there’s that thing in my head like when it was game time.

I go in and look at the girls. “Right…worrying and stuff’s not going to help us right? So lets get to work and get stuff done, we’ll keep busy and most of all we’re not going to let this guy win.”

Holly nods. “Definitely besides the guys are going to be needing food when they get in and we need to keep this guy out of our heads.”

It takes awhile to get them going and Nin’s mom’s more than into this. She lived through the shit over there and a lot of her life is moving on, going on getting through some stuff that was so horrible I can’t really get my brain around it.

She’s powerful.

You know this thing that older women get. That matriarchal trade off you get from getting older and just getting more and more steeped in being a woman, she’s got that in spades as she’s helping us in the kitchen and teaching us.

I love older women, old ladies they’ve lived really lived and there’s so much they know and experienced and have taken into their souls I’m always in awe, I’m being the kind of woman I am sort of wishing some of that’ll soak into me somehow.

You have to respect them for that at least. (Fond smiles.)

She teaches us to make Rooti which is a bread and that they use a lot of rice and pasta in their food not cous-cous but spaghetti broken up usually lots of beans and a wheat that’s like using bulgur. It’s very working class food and a lot of tomatoes, cucumbers, mint are found in it too, and their main spices are cloves, cardamom, sage and cumin as well as ghee is used instead of regular butter because it keeps longer.

The learning is really keeping us busy and getting taught some Somali words and dance steps and to sing some of their basic work songs.

I make a big batch of Qumbe… It’s basically water to dissolve some cornstarch, and cardamom powder then it’s folded into sweetened coconut and an egg white and salt once it sets you bake as a whole sheet the cut it into squares or add some more cornstarch and deep fry them.

Of course I try my own version while we eat the first batch with me adding cayenne, and nutmeg and freshly grated sweet potato and fry it like a fritter. Those aren’t too bad like an African doughnut.

We do that and we get thermos’s of coffee ready for when the guys show and I make a great big kettle of spaghetti sauce. And we get busy the rest of the time making stuff up ahead of time like bread and pies and all of the stuff we go through piles of.

The guys are in and out both looking and from what I’m gathering spreading the word and pictures of the guy with the people that they know. It made for a long night and Nin and her mom left after a bit of talking to go out and stay at Davey’s place at night and both of them would be here during the days.

……………………………….....................Actually it turns into a long week. They guys all bought radios and we all got police scanners and while we worked and tried getting back to our normal lives there was still that edge and cloud hanging sort of.

Taylor’d get a call of someone who thought they’d seen him and he’d go. Twice during the middle of the night. The last time was last night and he came back pissed, and limping. This time it had been him and there was a fight to try and get him and a chase. Taylor ended up getting jumped and was pushed out a window while it was still closed out onto a fire escape.

No cops, no hospital the few cuts he had weren’t bad and I took care cleaning them out and putting on the bandages…I should be freaking out but I’m not. In fact the fact that he’s doing this…kind of turns me on. He’s my guy and he’s defending our own in his own way and god there’s something so sexy about that and him all pumped full of adrenaline and testosterone and just…

The sex was hard, desperate and good…oh my good it was good. Sprained ankle and all he…

I’m usually good with the details but….this, this wasn’t sharable.

Let’s just say…Spike…Buffy…eat your hearts out.

Tim had to bring his tools up in the morning and fix the bed. It took him an hour.

………………………………............................I suppose if this was one of those stories where the main character was a Mary-Sue then I might have seen him. I had gone with the truck with Nin and Holly to go get stuff for the Diner and to get the stuff that they needed too. It’s just easier with three of us and Holly’s driving as I’m still working on getting my license.

Cost co. and a few other places getting the Diner stuff first then getting our shopping done next.

He came out of nowhere at us in Wall-Mart.

I was getting some new towels from the Debbie Travers stuff and we were just talking when he comes around the corner and lashes out with a pretty big knife cutting me in the arm, he cut at Holly and missed and she screamed for help. Njinda froze and he punches Holly in the face right after she screams and she crumples with an in pain squeak.

He goes for Njinda and I start throwing towels and bathroom sets at him. I know, that whole thing with Troy and I should have went all bionic woman on him but I just blanked or something and I was just trying to keep him off balance until someone came to…

WHACK!!!

There’s this sound of one of those 1X5 boards that are part of the wooden cargo pallets hitting him upside of the head and it was swung so hard the board broke. The guy dropped like a stone.

I look up to see this woman. In the whole Wall-Mart standard kit the blue smock and the company t-shirt and the sensible slacks her glasses are cute and, a wig that looks decent on her and doesn’t look like it’s clashing with her complexion, smallish breasts coming it and a little extra weight but she…well If I wasn’t like her then I must’ve taken her for a middle aged lady…well a middle aged GG lady, she’s still a lady.

I’m blinking and looking at her, she looking at me and then at him. “Oh..oh..god did I kill him?”

“I don’t think so…I think he’s still breathing.” There’s a crowd gathering and the security guys are with them and I look at her. Then at the name tag.

“Dorothy…Dorothy…you can drop the board now.”

The security guard’s looking at her and at us then’s talking on the radio a minute. “Alright what happened here?”

“This guy was after these girls Scott he came at them with a knife I was just out back when I hear the scream and I just…oh…oh wow what did I do…?”

He look at me and at my arm and he get’s me a towel to wrap my arm in. It’s bleeding pretty good. “Here the ambulance is on it’s way and the police.” Njinda comes over and holds the towel actually twisting it to add pressure.

I look at him. “Good someone should tie him up or something, he’s wanted by the police and the RCMP he’s a Somali war criminal…he’s been after my friend here…he might have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for Dorothy….she swatted him down like a flying monkey.”

She’s blushing and sitting down and she looks right on the edge of a freak out. ‘He’s what…no..I..” She closes her eyes, takes off her glasses and wipes away a few tears that formed and she’s just trying to breathe for a few minutes.

The ambulance guys and the cops arrive about the same time and Holly get’s waken up by the EMT’s with smelling salts and she looks completely looped. We’re all taken to the hospital with the cops following us and they rewrapped my arm and I’m calling Taylor and letting him get a hold of everyone because I’m feeling a bit loopy. They’re being generous with the bandages.

I hope the cut didn’t mess up any nerves, that’ll screw up my throwing arm.

“Here Miss lay down.”

“Nuh-uh, that’s Mrs.”

“Okay…Mrs.?”

“Winters…I’m legally and officially Mrs. Taylor…oops…I mean Jenna Winters.”

“Yeah we better start another line.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing honey we’re just starting another IV line.”

“Oh…okay? Hey I‘m not your honey…”

It gets a little blurry after that but not unconscious. I remember seeing Taylor and sort of finger waving at him from the stretcher. “Hey baby!” he’s there and soon beside me and everything and I point out Dorothy to him.

“She’s the one who got him Tay, can you?”

“Yeah beautiful I’ll do that.”

“Thank you….”

I’m in and out of it and I do notice Taylor went over and talked to her after the cops and while the doctors were checking on her for shock and stuff. He gave her a card for the Diner and wrote on it. Then her ride came and I waved goodbye to her and she shyly waved back.

Nice lady, hopes she’s not a stranger.

And I’m still sort of out of it right up to when they’re wheeling me to the O.R.

The last thing I remember hearing is Angie’s voice. “Oh dammit Jenna, you’re a mess again!”

Images 34

Chapter 34

I’m groggy when I wake up in the Hospital and my family is all around me. My heads hurting in that headachy way that’s sort of like having low blood sugar. I look at Taylor and he’s got that smile on his face but he’s sort of worried looking too.

“Hey.” I give him a smile and a sleepy murmur.

“Hey back.” He says as he leans over to kiss me.

I love getting kissed like this in bed and with Taylor being all tender and sweet. I’m not a fan of having it happen in a hospital bed again.

“So what’d did I miss?”

“They took you in for emergency surgery, he cut an artery in your arm, you were lucky that you didn’t lose it.”

“He came out of nowhere I was just doing anything so he didn’t knife us.”

“Is Njinda okay?”

“Yeah she’s as rattled as you’d expect but she’s okay.”

“Good, and Dorothy?”

“Freaked out, but okay.”

“I should thank her.”

“Already taken care of honey, she’s got a life long pass to the diner anytime.”

“Good.”

I look at my arm and pull a face. Taylor looks at me. “Hurt?”

“A little I was just thinking there goes my throwing arm.”

“Hon, you’re never playing football again are you…really?”

“No…but can’t I mourn my once future career in the WNBA?”

“Jenna?” He rolls his eyes and facepalms himself. “Boo…bad joke.”

I smile at him and since it’s be too much effort to pull myself up in the bed I use my good arm to get a handful of T-shirt and pull him down to me and kiss him deeply.

It’s a gift really, that I’m so into kissing him.

I love doing it and the way he’ll nuzzle me and the way that Taylor smells. Just everything about him makes me so happy really and when I think about it I get those warm fluttery kind of good butterflies inside and they become these tiny little sweet motes of light inside like when he kisses me back.

Taylor makes me believe.

I God really, but in real love, in miracles happening, in who I am now really being who I am right down to my soul.

I’m so thankful for that too.

There’s something that really is magical about being in love. I know that I go on a lot about being Transgendered and the feelings there but it’s really a girl thing. I watch Angie and Dad, Holly and Tim, I see the difference in Nin since she’s become so close with Davey and I see Dallas and some of the other single GG girls that I know and really I think that the isolation of being alone is the same for us as is the pleasure and the contentment of being loved.

Of being needed.

If we get to the five year mark with Taylor’s recovery then I’ve really given some thought lately to us adopting, of starting a family of some kind with him. I’m pretty sure that I want to be a mother at some point and Taylor’s too good a man not to be a father.

Beside’s really genetics really doesn’t come into play in being a parent in my opinion. Look at my mother. I really believe that all you really have to do is just love a kid, just love them and don’t stop…the rest will fall into place.

Okay all those thoughts sort of drift together with my little warm lights in me and I swear I’m having one of those moments where I feel my uterus calling out to me. Yeah I know, don’t have and never will but what if you really do have a female soul in a male body. When you look at your children if you fathered them but are a woman inside do you feel that male pride or do you feel that swell inside of you that just ineffably tells you.

I’m female, I’m a girl, and I nurtured these children.
Do we carry our children in a womb of the soul rather than flesh?
I think so.

Those feelings make me misty but they also make me want to be as close to Taylor as possible too. So…after a lot of making out, I get him to help me to the little patients room where I get kissingly close to my husband while he’s standing and I’m sitting…he was not expecting it. “Jenna…oh…are you sure this is a good idea with your arm…?”

“Taylor…I don’t need my arms for this, besides I like a challenge.”

“But…”

“Mmm…” I move my face off a little. “Yeah you have a nice butt.”

“Hey you that’s my…oh ff…Jenna.”

I savor the moment, I savor being alive to do this and it honestly might sound strange and even perverted for some of the hardcore church types who are more prim that is really needed…I treat this right now like I’m getting communion.

He’s my husband, my lover and my best friend and he’s my gift from the creator. How can it be wrong if I really wanted to show thankful love this way?

I have strange thoughts about faith as you can tell.

But sex is good; it’s a way of closeness to that other half of your soul. It’s when done right as meaningful as that special one rolling over to smile at you in the morning light and just looking at you and smiling.

Just because you are just who you are and that makes them happy. Sex, loving making with your one true love should be like that.

It’s like that for me.

……………………………I’m in the hospital for two more days and during that time I’m on the news along with Njinda and her mom and Dorothy when word had finally gotten around. I feel for Dorothy because she looked so nervous to be getting interviewed by not just the local news but we all got a few minutes explaining the whole thing to Seamus O’Reagan on Canada AM.

I had the thing with Troy and You Tube trotted out and there was this big extended thing all week with stories like Njinda’s and Dorothy was praised on TV by the Wall-Mart rep who said that she was a credit to brave women any where and that they are extremely proud to have her on their team.

I know she was pleased at the gender recognition but also really self conscious about the whole thing too when we talked at Mavericks. She sometimes will show with her daughter because well things are tight these days for a lot of people and free food and a nice time out with her daughter can mean so much really. And we’re glad to have her over, both of them any time.

…………………………………. I guess things sometimes do get going pretty fast once you’re back into the daily swing of things. The close call I had was enough of a kick in the butt to get me going and that I’m starting to study for my G.E.D. and it’s harder than I thought but going back to high school is just not in my plans anymore.

I’ve gotten my license mind you it’s still that probationary one but hey next year it’ll be real enough.

I had my first mammogram two days ago and I’ve been firmly and coolly introduced to the world of bruised and pinched boobies.

I’m fine by the way. And it feels like I’ve passed a milestone that way and us girls celebrated as a bunch of girls by having a lingerie shopping party. Kendal was a riot because of her still being all embarrassed by this stuff but excited too because she’s just getting into her lower B cups. She’s had Dallas do her free electro and she has got some really great wigs but she is really looking good. She can actually pass pretty well but you can still sort of tell but it’s sort of something in her look now that says character instead of pain.

She’s looking great, she’s dropped a bunch of weight and she’s been biking but also using a rowing machine and dieting too but corseting herself. The other girls looked interested and stuff but me…it just looks painful.

My waist is a little thinner than my hips but I’m okay with that, my bum and my hips sort of make up for it enough.

I’m more than pleased with my breasts though now coming into a good firm mid range C-cup. So much more than I thought I’d have but Dad’s side of the family is pretty strong on the Irish side and while there’s a few boney girls in the family tree there’s lots of freckly sweet faced buxom ones too.

I’m so loving having actual time off too.

Taylor and I go out, we actually go out on dates and not just the nice place to eat or go see a movie either. I like a nice restaurant don’t get me wrong but I’m going to be going to cooking school so more often than not when we go to these places we’re picking apart the food with stuff we don’t like about it or we’re trying to figure out dishes that we do like together.

Okay, that’s kind of fun.

But our dates have been going for walks. Us going to see the landmarks of the city. I’ve lived in Eddy all my life pretty much and there’s so much of this city that I’ve never been to before…like;

The Winspear Center….You know that I had no idea that we had a symphony in town? It’s not my kind of music or Taylor’s but it was a nice excuse to go out together and dressed up. I like getting dressed up as much as most girls do and I love looking pretty but I just can’t help the whole little bits of light filling me up feeling I get when Taylor looks at me like that.

We should all do this again as a group. Hunter’d love getting all dolled up like a grown up girl and going someplace nice like that.

We’ve been to the AGA the Art gallery of Alberta twice; just because it’s a great way to hold each other and see some pretty neat stuff. Not that I’m really that artsy but it’s still so worth going to.

My favorite so far though has got to be the High Level Bridge and then going on the trolley car. He took me on it in the afternoon with a fuzzy blanket and a thermos of hot chocolate…the I-pod to share our songs on…it was the perfect afternoon just snuggling together and just being us.

I want to do that someday or some night just on the city bus too.

It’s November now and I’m setting up stuff at the diner for Remembrance Day. Veteran’s and service men eat today for free. We’ve got a bunch of stuff lined up too with some of the seniors places with our menu’s a us delivering some things and other’s like Tim and Davey going to get any veteran that want’s to come here and eat.

Got to…

It’s just right.

Images 35

Chapter 35

I almost feel ashamed that I never really did much about Remembrance Day before in my life. I don’t like I was that self absorbed even with all the stuff going on as Jaime. Today is an eye opener. I cry for things I hear from the old timers come in and I think I hugged Daddy five or six times.

He’s there for this and he talks to a lot of the veteran’s that have come in and sits ad talks with them. He’s been there himself, he’s seen those things that you just can’t unsee…or stop feeling.

Njinda’s mother’s here and talking with them too. I tear up when I hear her saying things like.

“T’ank you sirs if you hadn’t been the kinda men who boys like Johnny ere grew up wit den there might not be da goood like him who wear the blur beret’s and come into places to save us now.”

It’s partly about Daddy but it’s also about them and seeing them getting the respect the really do deserve and the way that they sit a bit different and a little taller even when their eyes are glassy with unshed tears.

It was a day that by the end of it I really kind of felt different for being part of a lot more.

It’s so funny the way we see ourselves sometimes. I never even had though today would have meant so much to me but it did.

A lot of my life’s been like that now. It’s like being Jaime was this cracked lens that I couldn’t help but to see the world through and now that I’m the real me or close to it the images of real life are so much cleared.

It’s a nice thing too.

I know I’m sounding pretty reflective but I get that way when I’m by myself, especially when I’m doing laundry. I like doing this too; just being a regular girl doing regular stuff and it makes me happy as much as it makes me reflective.

My arm is aching though and it’s a challenge still doing some stuff but it’s healing nicely. Or that’s what the physiotherapist has said. I’m glad that there’s been no permanent damage except for another nasty scar to add to my collection.

Tay’s so good about stuff like my scars. I’ve got more than my fair share of them from being Jaime and playing football to the beating my stepfather gave me and the group home wasn’t a picnic either then the car and now this.

I guess it’s a good thing there’s still part of me that feels that being myself, being Jenna is still such a trade off that these scars don’t really matter and that just the chance to be myself makes all the difference.

But Taylor…

He changes everything.

He loves me.

But he makes me feel like I’m beautiful.

Like when we’ve made love and we’ve been asleep after our snuggling up and cuddling I wake feeling him touching me. He’ll just lay there beside me and with one finger just spend all this time drawing imaginary things on my skin.

Or like right now when he wraps me up in a great big hug and he leans in and he smells me…runs his face over my shoulder and back, I can hear the long but soft inhale. It’s something special you know when they do that when they want to hold you and to fill their senses with you.

He nibbles on my outside shoulder, slides his lips and some of that blonde scruff/stubble over my collar bone to get to my neck and to kiss there and suckle and kiss some more and I know he’s giving me a hickie but I don’t care. I want one; I’ll show that off proudly.

“Mmmm, you know I’m going to be giving you one of those back mister.”

“Good, I like it when you suck on my neck.”

“I thought that was something else.”

“Oh that too…you’re the best I’ve ever had do that for me Jen.”

“Good, I do try y’know.”

“Yeah…I really wish I was better at returning the favor though.”

“You do Tay, you do just a lot higher up and it feels amazing.”

“Good, I want you to feel amazing all the time Jenna.”

“I do honey, I get to feel loved, and treasured, to feel like I’m a real person and not some mental delusion or something.”

“Hey, you’re not.” He hugs me tighter for awhile and spoons against me then rocks us back and forth. “One of those days?”

“Sort of just overthinking the differences between me and when I was Jaime.”

He lets go long enough to turn me around and take my chin in my hand and kiss me deeply. Then stare down into my eyes with those gorgeous eyes of his and says.

“I love you. I love that girl I see all the time when I close my eyes and you’re there in the wet dress and the ruined make-up. You were Stunning and Lovely and Amazing even then. And GIRL you’ve changed everything going on with me and you’ve stayed beside me, and you’ve loved me even when it was terrifying. You are the love of my life Jenna, you’re my wife and my best friend…and you are exactly who you were always meant to be.”

He kisses me again and when he breaks it I hug him and bury my face into his chest. No, I’m not crying it just feels good to do that as I’m hugging him, and sliding my hands into his back pockets.

“Thank you…god thank you Tay. I know the neurotic t-girl is so not what any guy really signs up for but it really just helps so much that you tell me stuff like that.”

“I know…It’s why I got you to show me all that stuff, those sites. Jenna I love that about you. I love that you overthink stuff and that yeah you’re never going to be like a GG most of the time just because of who you are but that doesn’t change you being the woman that I love. I think that you being that different, that you think the way that you do is why I love you.”

I tighten my hug on him this time around. “I got really lucky when I walked in here that night.”

“You’re the lucky one?” he stare at me so intensely and his fingertips just slip through me hair as he says. “I’d be dead now if it wasn’t for you.”

“Tay…you don’t…”

“Yeah, I do Jenna. I know it right down to the deepest part of me that if your weren’t here, in my life…making me fall head over heels in love with you and giving me something to really fight for…I wouldn’t be here.”

There is something so heart wrenchingly honest in those eyes and the feeling just pumping out of my heart.

“Taylor…”

“Jen…it’ll never ever matter to me what you were or what you are or how you look…right now or even fifty years from now you’ll always be my everything.”

I just can’t help those great big huge tears that spill out and I jump up into his grip and he holds me as I wrap my arms around his neck and I kiss him.

It was just one of those…

You ever know, absolutely know that something was completely true?

I do.

And he lifts me up and set’s me on the corner of the wash counter and he keeps kissing me and then his hands slip up my shirt and he undoes my bra and I wriggle, move, shimmy out of it. I’m in a scoop necked top and he just sort of pulls that down from my shoulder leaving my breasts exposed to his touch….his mouth…his kisses.

It’s all just so beautiful…

I am falling deeper and deeper in love with Taylor and it just honestly feels to me like nothing I’ve every felt even before now…even on our wedding night…it’s this dead certain feeling of this is right, because Taylor is my soulmate. He’s my for real and my for true.

It’s crazy and I can feel it like it’s absolutely true that we were literally made for each other. As we stare into each other and touch each other and we kiss each other and we make love.

It’s all so bittersweet…

As perfect as everything is, as much as this is just beyond words I can feel that need to really be me and whole so when that truth hits us again I can really be with him the way he deserves…and the way that I want to.

It’s such a…I want to be me to be whole so much it hurts, it makes me cry, it’s hard to breathe through that ache of what I want so much right now, immediately now urgency…but it’s far from happening yet.

But Taylor’s love makes it so much better, and him making me feel so loved and so happy and it’s so powerful I ache wanting to be whole all over again.

I feel like I’m going crazy inside.

……………………………………..It’s a good thing I was doing some of the bedding because we ended up in it all over the floor of the laundry room. I dozed off to deep dreams of being complete and being with Taylor and all those things that’d come with that too and he’s holding me close to him when I wake up and my eyes are crusty and I know I was crying. I almost cry a bit more feeling his hand resting right over my heart. I feel him kiss the back of my neck.

“Hey…”

“Hey back…”

“Any better?”

“Yes, no…god Taylor I just want to really be me, be done and complete and everything.”

“I know, and it’ll happen honey, it will.”

“Not fast enough…it just hurts so much even when I’m happy.”

“I know but its part of the whole trade off.”

“Trade off?”

“Yeah, you said that all of you girls get like this, that even after surgery and transitioning that you get like this well its normal.”

“Going through this isn’t normal.”

“Yes it is.”

“How do you figure?” I roll over to look at him and prop myself up on my good arm.

“It’s a mood that only you girls can have, that only you girl get so I kind of figure it’s like TG-PMS.”

“Taylor!!!”

I start slapping him and kicking him and he rolls me and pins me then starts to tickle me and I’m trying to get away and screaming him name. “Taylor!, No!, No! Taylor! Unfair, I’m calling shenanigans!”

“Hey, made you smile.”

“Yeah, you’re so good at that.”

He kisses me again. “Okay, let’s just take our minds off of all of this.” He grabs one of his ball caps and put’s it on backwards, then one of his blue flannel shirts and smiles at me. “Let’s go upstairs and we’ll order up a mess of Chinese food and we can watch the third season of that shore you like the Gilmore Girls.”

He scoops me up fast with the blankets and everything and tosses me over his shoulder.

“C’mon Lorelei.”

I scream even as I’m laughing and we’re headed upstairs. “Luke!”

Okay, no wonder I’m totally in love with this guy.

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Chapter 36

Taylor…

I know I talk so much about him that it’d drive most people out of their trees but…

There’s those kinds of guys that a girl get married to.

And then there’s those guys that are your husbands.

I mean I’m getting this whole direct proof thing of the in sickness and in health, to have and to hold to honor and to cherish and really…he’s not trying.

He’s Taylor just being Taylor.

I’m still kind of muzzle post afterglow, post emotional, post TG-PMS as he calls it and just in the blankets we took with us on the couch and just watching him. He went about as far to getting dressed as slipping on a pair of grey old track pants and the ties are undone and hanging out in a sexy way. He’s on the phone trying to put in our orders for stuff in Chinese from the menu because that’s how he’s always tried to order and it’s just one of his things. I think it’s cute even if there’s really good odds that he’s driving the person on the other end nuts by trying.

I actually really like most Chinese food mostly because I’ve never had that much of it my whole life. And I know the stuff you get out of your average restaurant isn’t “real” Chinese food but I still like it. I have three big weaknesses and that’s chow mien of any kind and deep fried won tons and steamed dumplings my absolute fave is the soup dumpling and they’re just so good.

But I like all of it. Except the fried rice. For some reason I don’t like fried rice until its cold and the next day and then it’s just awesome, better than cold pizza.

I can’t help but get this smile on my face as Taylor comes over and he kisses me and scrolls through the TV and getting onto that Net thingy looking for my Gilmore Girls shows and we settle in and we get the coffee table filled with the stuff and we move some blankets and cushions to the floor as we make this little nest where we can watch TV and pig out and kiss and neck and stuff.

That’s what we do all night too and even get into these little debates over him sooo getting Luke and I’m defending Lorelei and it’s not fighting but it’s almost that back and forth that the characters have on the screen.

I am so happy right now.

It’s likely not what a lot of people would call a perfect night. It’s not candles and romance and expensive stuff even though Chinese foods not cheap really. It’s just me and Taylor eating on the floor and watching TV together.

It’s cornball as heck really but to me this. These are the things that I’d dream of dreaming about.

I change things up too because I love him and we watch one of my shows and then we watch one of his, this Sons of Anarchy show that’s this biker gang TV show. Taylor is very into it and nodding at the stuff. Me…heck it’s violent and all those bad things and all of that but it’s like taking a class in Taylor-Billy-Davey 101.

But it’s me y’know being able to just give and equal measure, we like different stuff and everything bur we also do these things foe each other too like watch each others shows and stuff. I mean it’s not my thing but I know what the guys are talking about when they talk about stuff like that more.

But I bet that Taylor’s glad that I don’t watch the Young and the Restless or the other soaps. Not many girls my age really do those shows that I know of. Grams watches Y&R as far as I know though and gramps calls Victor “The Moustache.”

All in all it goes from everything in the laundry room and the rough patch with me wanting to be complete and the ache of wanting it right then and there to lovemaking and now this which is a whole other way that Taylor makes love to me.

Hey guys you can make love to your woman by doing the little big things. Making love is about the love far more than the sex.

We get to sleep a little later than we usually do but it’s just one of those really good times. I slip out of the shower and lotion up and let myself sort of just air dry while I’m drying my hair which still unfortunately doesn’t take long. I do really miss my hair; it had taken a long time to get my hair to a length that was right where I wanted it too. It’s just hanging past my ears now a little bit and I’ve been trying to find a nice style for it.

I apply a bit of baby powder and brush my teeth and slip into a camisole and a sexy pair of panties. I really try to actually only own nice panties because it helps me feel like I’m kind of sexy and girly. I kind of need that in the times where I don’t feel like I’m doing the whole transition thing fast enough or if I’m even doing it right. The little danglers are gone so and I’m a C-cup thankfully so it’s really late for real second thoughts anyways.

Not that that’ll be one of my issues. Jaime…me back then just couldn’t make an emotional connection with the world. And even with all the heartache, abuse, betrayals and pain that I’ve had I’ll never go back there.

I was dead there.

I like living.

Feeling things really for the first time in my life and now after being myself for awhile I get to really treasure things. My friends, My family and the sight of my husband smiling at me in our bed as he’s holding the covers open for me to slip into them with him.

I love this, part I really do getting into our bed that is our spot, it’s where we snuggle tight and shut out the world, it’s where we make love and are there for each other. It smells like US, it feels like US and that US is really huge to me and it’s something that I’ll never take for granted.

I settle into our bed and slide up against Taylor for some more kissing and he touches me runs his hands over me not all sexual I mean it is easy enough but it’s that just random way you touch your lover, feel explore and remember and remind them of things that just so…

I get to fall asleep with Taylor’s big strong arms around me and his body pressed up against me and it lulls me to sleep.

……………………………………………… I wake up early in the morning with the usual work day ahead of me but I can’t help the smile that’s on my face at being held but also of Taylor’s hardness pressed up against me.

There are some mornings when this is a better thing than others. I mean there are just times when I don’t want to.

This morning isn’t one of those times.

I roll over and the feelings are just there and so intense too they are a drug. The hormones I’m on this morning are running wild after last night being so loved and cared for was like they put me on a slow boil all night and I’m still a teenager even if in transition so my body is aching for him.

I want to taste him first. And I roll over gently and shimmy down and pull his boxers down and take one of his balls in my mouth as I stroke him then the other pulling my mouth away in a sort of kiss. His “Oh…Jen…” while still sort in that sleep haze a musical drug to my ears and I slowly lick my lips until they’re wet enough and slide my lips over him in this kiss, but a hot wet kiss that goes deeper and deeper…I’m about halfway down when he arches into it and I hear his breath catch in his throat. “J...Jenna!”

I “Mmmm…” around him and he pants. I think you call that a hummer but it doesn’t matter it’s driving him deeper and deeper into early morning pleasure and he looks down at me and there’s this look of wonder and amazement that I never get tired of seeing when he does that, he’s not tied of this or of me and It’s not like I don’t do this. But it’s like he never really expects me to every time.
I like oral sex.

It’s not for everyone and I like it for the pleasure I give him, for the way that he looks at he, stares and watches moves.

And it’s prayer.

I know some of the LGBT people that’d freak and say I’m not supposed to worship Taylor. Well I do ant I don’t. Taylor to me is a miracle, he loves me, he gets me and to me that’s just proof of God to me.

God is love, Taylor’s my love. So when I’m doing this for my love I’m in my own half baked twisted way praying and giving thanks.

And I swear when I’m really into like I’m getting and Taylor’s into it like he’s getting there is something holy about it.

He cries my name out over and over as he lets loose his orgasm and I’m more than good enough at this now that I don’t really leave anything behind and enjoy it too. I guess there’s some more proof about my gender and sexuality. I drink Taylor’s cum and it makes me feel all hyper girly and yet gay guys don’t really feel girly and I don’t really get why they do it at all. Well the pleasure and stuff but I don’t get the emotional connection.

I kiss and suck on his abs awhile getting him hard again while my hands stroking and fondling and make my way up until I’m where I want to be. Getting lube and stuff done is a snap once you’re used to doing it so I’ll spare you that and I sink myself down onto him.

Everything about it is right to me. His size, hardness, the heat too there’s something about it that just makes it better than any toy or imitation male bit. And I move, bend, sway back and forth as much as up and down and we get to our me on top bit.

It’s really good too he holds onto me by my waist and moves me as much as I’m moving and there’s this rush that I get from rubbing my hands over his hard muscles. It’s such a turn on to feel those powerful arms with my hands or his chest and I’ll lean down and kiss him but get into a rhythm where I’m rubbing my nipples over his hot hard chest and grazing my breasts against him and it’s just so good a build up all over that takes me over my edge eventually and my getting release is like a signal for him to roll us over until he’s the top and he’s very…grr…in a good way as he takes me and when it’s really good he takes me into this fantasy that I’m really fixed and that sweet friction and feelings of heat and hardness and everything else that is Taylor is sinking into somewhere else.

No condoms…I love to feel him inside me and filling me, yes there’s the cleaning up stuff afterwards but I want that feeling of his wet boiling offering inside of me.

There’s lots of kissing as we come down then it’s off to our bathroom routine which is just another thing I love. And it’s getting even better too. we’re not as clumsy in the shower and we wash each other and it’s just really nice having someone do those places you can get too and it’s like part massage too and a lot about just the intimate contact.

And I love that we shampoo each others hair. It’s just something that we like to do and I know Taylor’s into that and me. I think its fun he’s taller so he’s leaning over his face in my boobs and I’m lathering up his sort hair and having fun. “This is a good morning.”

“How so?”

“Well first I get to play with one head and then the other one.”

“Jen…aww…that was bad.”

“Yeah but you love me anyway.”

“You’re a goof.”

“Yep.”

“Cornball.”

“Yep.”

“I love you.”

“I know, I see it all the time, hear it, feel it….”

“Smell it.”

“Smell…oh…oh Good god Taylor!” I try to bail out of the shower and he’s tickling me which is so damn unfair. “Taylor! Tailor! Eeew! No more Chinese for you!”

He’s laughing, really laughing so it still all good even if guys never grow up really, just more proof that I’m a girl. At least I’m growing up.

But you know when I say I see God in him. If you had ever seen Taylor minus the bullshit and all the crap that life’s piled on him laughing…really laughing and so open. You’d see it too.

We have fun and while Taylor goes down to start things, I take My Bible with the passages that are the things that make sense to me and fill my quiet spaces up with light and I take my coffee and head up to the roof. I take some laundry too with me and hang things to dry. Yeah it’s November but I’ll use my clotheslines until the snow’s flying.

Besides, oddly I think God likes it when we’re being green. At least the planet will. I’m not going to get too faith versus science here but I believe in both and I think that there’s someone there, something there and there won’t be any right answers until we get both on the same track or something like that.

Let’s just say I’m not a fan of the extremists of faiths of any kind or the extremists that try to destroy faiths of every kind.

I drink my coffee, offer some to God not that I’m expecting them to take any but its good manners and besides he knows I need the caffeine. I read some of my passages that I’ve marked out and just sit and breathe and be grateful. For me it’s really nothing more than that. I head back down stairs a smile inside and out and head right into work.

It’s the usual press and rush of things but I love it really and there’s some more water bottles out for some more charities. The V.O.N. Victorian order of Nursing, War Amps Canada and the Veterans assistance fund…Taylor tapes a sign to that one saying. “Bring us a used poppy and we’ll put in a dollar.” I know it’s just after Remembrance Day but there’s some things I’m starting to believe that deserve more that just one day a year of attention and now knowing there’s people who served in my family.

It means a lot more.

Actually I’m very happy about our wall of water bottles because we have to go and take some of them down because their full. The cancer ones have a lot in them too in the way of bills and loonies and toonies, but the one’s for the women’s shelters in the city and The Boys and Girls clubs of Canada, MADD or Mother’s against Drunk Drivers We’ve had a lot more traffic in here and a lot of the alternative crowd has started to come here as part of the new place to be welcomed to hang out at. Some of them don’t have a lot of cash but some of them give every time.

Kendal takes pictures of them full and then she’ll take pictures of the counted cash and the totals for the diner’s website and when we get the totals we also announce it to the whole place how much we’ve raised and what for.

You know that actually makes people give more and dig a little deeper.

Its stuff like this that just….makes me hug myself. Or Tay talking to a few of the kids outside that look like some of the street kids. He talks to Dad when he shows and soon they’re washing the truck and the doing the squeegee thing on out windows. By the time they’re done there’s six of them with Dad out back in the laundry room eating morning rush leftovers, getting warm, and washing and drying their clothes for free.

Some of these kids aren’t trustworthy, some you can see are dopers or whatever but we don’t toss them out either. We don’t give them a temptation to steal or let the spark up of shoot up but food for some work, heat, clean clothes and no lectures it’s something at least.
I know Taylor see’s himself in them and they kind of have this we won’t push it with him because he’s been there thing going on. Me…you just have to pay it forward, or even earn good karma because you never know when you’ll need the help.

It’s a pretty great day one of those thank you days and even the tips are rolling in pretty good.

Right up until I get to my next table and Ingrid is sitting there.

“Hi Jenna? Can we talk?”

Images 37

Chapter 37

Ingrid was the last person that I had been expecting to just show back up in my life…oh she was still around, she was still in Edmonton but to actually have her here in the diner.

Wanting to talk to me.

I look at her and she’s changed a lot too. I mean we’re older both of us but she looks…hurt…tired…drug out like she’s been haunted by something.

Huh…gee…I wonder what that fucking was? Yes I’m mad and I’m mad and hurting…really hurting because she’s here. She just walked in and she wants to talk and it’s just that simple? I have this ache in my guts right now just looking at her. I’m so trying to hold it together and not cry right now.

“Talk?”

“Please…”

“Why?...why should I talk to you after what you did to me.”

“I…I…”

I cut her off. “Not here…not now…you’ll have to wait until I have time to talk…”

I start to walk away and I don’t want her to have this easy…and I don’t want her to chicken out as well and I come back with a coffee and a cinnamon roll. “Don’t leave…I’ll talk to you…but I have stuff to do…so…so don’t you fucking go anywhere.”

She stares at me her eyes a little wide and there’s the threat of tears there but…No…I’m not going to let them sway me…I thought I could trust her before…she’s got to earn that trust back dammit.

Both Nin and Holly are looking at me like I morphed into someone else. I really don’t get angry a whole lot about anything and I really don’t swear a lot either.

I’m getting orders and I’m doing stuff behind the kitchen with a serious mad on and holly comes over to me with Njinda. “Jenna…who the hell is she and what did she say that’s got you so mad.”

“That’s Ingrid.”

“What!?” both of them say it together and then Holly is giving her the evil glare that only your female best friend can and mutters. “We call Billy? Ask a favor?”

“No…” Okay that slows my anger down a bit. And I’m ashamed to admit the thought was amusing until y’know I really thought about it and realized that more than likely if I ever did need to…

The guys might actually make someone gone for me…

Yikes…

Really? Am I one of those girls?

Holly looks at me and rubs my sides and my back and so does Nin. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, no…I don’t know…fuck…”

Both of them laugh.

“What? Why is this funny?”

Njinda smiles. “It is because you are swearing.”

“That can’t be that amusing.”

Holly smiles and gets some stuff on her tray. “Kinda is girl, you’re too sweet Jenna…I mean I think about you swearing and it just doesn’t fit.”

“Oh, so what did you think I’d be saying in a situation like this then?”

Njinda smiles and gets he stuff and puts on this pouty look. “Darn it, just darn it…this…this is just oh…poopy!”

And that of course gets both of them giggling I clench my jaw and look around to see if I’m being watched by like customers or something and figure I’m safe enough that I quickly give them the middle finger.

Which only make them more amused and sends me into the kitchen to mutter and to stew and generally be pissed off but also trying to look out at Ingrid who’s still there and looking pretty miserable and getting worse looking and even more upset.

I’m still doing that when Taylor comes up behind me and pulls me away from the stove area. “No…no, no…time for you to step away…angry and upset in the kitchen is dangerous.”

“Taylor…”

He turns me around and looks at me. “I heard…but this is not the place for you to be venting and trying to get it together…”

I try to be a little hurts and pissed even like this in his grip but it’s just a combination of Tay just being Tay and the fact that he’s right angry and upset is the last thing you should be in a kitchen that’s just full of hot stuff and sharp stuff.

“Okay…okay…fuck…”

“Hey Gordon Ramsay watch the language this is a place of business.”

He leans down and he kisses me and it’s like hitting the release valve off a pressure cooker…I feel all of the steam just easing out of me…I slowly feel that knot unwind in my stomach and he kisses me, softly and sweetly and just makes everything better.

(Sigh.) “I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah it might have been right around that time we were at that party…and there was like all those like people there and I had to like wear a tux and stuff.”

He’s smiling at me and he’s nose rubbing with me and talking to me in the whole like snowboarder like whoa stuff. He’s actually pretty bad at it. Bad enough that he’s making me smile well because he’s that bad and more so because he’s doing that to cheer me up.

He kisses me a little bit more and looks at me. “Go…go and talk to her, take her upstairs and get it over with you’re just making it worse.”

“Okay…okay… (Sigh.)…aren’t I the one that should be saying all the common sense stuff to you since I’m your wife?”

“Yeah…right this coming from you?”

I look at him and he looks and me and I put my head down and laugh into his chest a little. “Okay…I suppose lately I deserve that.”

“Uh-huh.”

I push away and I walk over to where she is and she really does look…she looks bad.

“Are you okay? Should you even be here you look pretty sick.”

Ingrid looks up at me startled a bit and she changes colors and she gets up and takes off at a run into the ladies room. I follow her and get there right behind her and she’s in one of the stalls and she’s hurling her guts up and it’s like she can’t stop.

I sigh and hold her hair back and it comes off in my hands…she’s wearing a wig.

Oh…

I look up and close my eyes a moment and even though I’m….I’m still hurt…I’ll always be hurt by what she did to me. I…I need to get past myself because I lived…I lived through it and I’m okay now.

And it’s the right thing to do…and I can’t help feel for her…no one deserves this…they don’t…

And maybe god knows this too. Maybe he knows the things that will get me past the hate…I open my eyes and wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes there and I reach out and I rub her back soothingly as she’s gripping the porcelain like it’s a life line.

That so sick you’re dry heaving and it’s not even dry heaving really it’s more like you’re having inside out spasms…it takes maybe a minute of those and I can feel the sweat starting to soak through her shirt and her blouse.

“Shhh…just listen to me...listen to my voice and take short little breaths.”

Ingrid’s doing that can’t breath through her nose…heaving thing where it’s hard to catch a breath some times because you’re just nowhere in control of the heaves. So…she heaves and there’s that after heave reverse lurch…you know that part where it’s like the tide in you goes back out before the next heave comes.

“Okay…breathe…”

I keep doing that and rubbing her back and her sides. Holly comes in to check on us looking like she was ready to fight or at least yell at her and I hold up the wig and just silently mouth…wash cloths…ice.

I take them when she comes back and the first thing I do is take the wet cloth and hold it over her forehead then I do the back of her neck until she’s breathing better

“What kind is it Ingrid.”

“O...ovarian…”

“What did they say?”

“To get my affairs in order…”

“I’m so sorry honey.”

“Fuck…”

“What?”

“You…fucking dammit Jenna it’s not fair!”

“Cancer’s never fair.”

“No! It’s not that! It’s you!”

“Me?”

“Yes you! I fucking hate you!”

I close my eyes but I don’t stop trying to soothe her…and she’s too weak to stop me I think but that hurts, it really fucking hurts.

“I know you hate me…maybe you always did…”

“I hate you because I fucking love you, you fucking cunt!”

“Ingrid…”

“No!...no Jenna…I hated high school…I hated getting tagged as a dyke because it was obvious to everyone but me! And by the time I had started to figure things out you were…you were fucking you! And you weren’t gay!”

“Sorry…I’m not…”

“Oh! I know…I fucking remember that.”

“Remember that?”

“That night…when you had really gotten to go all out and we had the make up just right and you were in the first dress that you’d ever worn that one…”

I hold her through another heave session. “I remember that night, we had so much fun and we got into your father’s liquor cabinet.”

“Yeah…and we got really, really drunk and that’s when I came out to you…”

“I remember that.”

“Do you remember after that?”

“We were pretty drunk Ingrid…”

“I told you that I loved you and that I’d do anything to be with you and you told me that you couldn’t, that you weren’t a lesbian.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah Oh…well you passed out…”

“Uh-huh…”

“Well…thanks to me giving you one of dad’s little blue helpers I had you anyway…”

“Ingrid…” I…I…that was rape…I mean…I was still pretty much Jaime back then but still… “Ingrid you shouldn’t have done that….it wasn’t right…”

She coughs and spits and she rolls over so she can sit on the floor and look at me. There is this look in her eyes.

Anger, pain, fear…guilt.

“Jenna…that wasn’t really the wrong part.”

“What?....god Ingrid want did you do to me?”

“Lied…kept quiet about everything…but I can’t…I can’t do it I can’t…My parents booted me out of the family for being gay and they won’t talk to me…Jenna I told them that I’m dying and they still won’t talk to me…”

“I’m sorry…that’s…” I reach out and I stroke her cheek, her face and these huge tears fall and spill over my hand…

“Hanna…Hanna found out that I’m sick…that I’m this sick…and she…she left me!...I thought she loved me…she told me that she loved me!”

I can’t…I can’t just sit there like that whatever’s been between us is just…I can’t not just…”

I pull her to me and I wrap her up in a big hug, a big a hug as I can. “I’ve got you…okay…I got you…the stuff in the past doesn’t matter…what happened doesn’t matter…You’re here and…I’m not going anywhere.”

She breaks down and starts to do that hard sobbing bawling and I rock her.

“Oh Jenna!...God Jenna the only things I got left are you and Gisele…and she…she…she’ll be all alone when I’m gone!”

“I’ll take care of her…it’ll be alright…”

“I know…I know… (Sniffle-sob.)…she’s your daughter.”

Images 38

Chapter 38

……………………….

I…

I push her away from me first of all and look at her.

“I have a daughter?”

Ingrid looks at me and I’m staring at her now. She nods and grabs some toilet paper and she wipes her mouth and she spits again.

“I have a daughter.”

(Sniffle-spit) “Yes.”

“And you slipped me a Viagra and raped me…”

“C’mon Jenna it was hardly rape…” My god she looks like she actually believed that.

“Of course it’s fucking rape! It’d be the same thing as a guy fucking a girl when she’s passed out!”

Yeah I’m telling which of course gets her upset and she yells back at me.

“I fucking loved you Jenna and I thought that if I got knocked up you’d stay with me because we had a fucking kid. Boo fucking hoo I was the one that had to ride that goddamned thing until the pill wore off.”

I’m…I mean holy…I’m seeing red and just trying to deal with her and all of this.

“If you wanted to keep me there then why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

“I didn’t know and by the time I did know you’d fucked off to god knows where. I tried the police but I couldn’t get anything from them or anyone else.”

“I was living in a group home until the abuse there got too much then as soon as I hit sixteen I was out on my own.”

“Yeah well I tried looking for you, Then fucking Troy let me know where you were hooking at.”

“I wasn’t hooking, I waited tables.”

“Yeah…sure…it was a fucking tranny bar Jenna I’m not fucking stupid. Jesus fuck Jenna!”

I close my eyes and just lean my head against the stall wall. There’s tears slipping out again.

“Why Ingrid…why you were like my best friend…my sister.”

“I loved you Jenna and it all changed when you started to moon over those guys when we were Second Cup like…like you…No! oh…no you had to fuck everything up and be into guys…but I could change that and…and…”

“And what?...just what Ingrid.”

“Troy had found out some how that you were you and that you had no intention of ever being with me because he had you bent over already in his car and taking his cock!”

“That never happened.”

“I know that now and he was just so good at lying and how that you were even making fun of me for being your little dykling! He said that he was tired of you and your macho shit as Jaime but now you were going to be like this right royal bitch that was going to rule the school….”

“I was too scared to dress in public without you Ingrid, I thought you knew me?”

“I thought so too but everyone was just always on me for being a lesbian and I thought, I needed not to be and then…then he said that you were going to out me!”

“So you were being you and you punched first.”

“I wasn’t going to let you hurt me!” she crying now and all defensive.

Me I’m still quietly trying to hang onto myself with my head and back to the wall of the bathroom stall.

“You nearly destroyed my life Ingrid……” I…it just comes out quietly…painfully.

“Ha!...me? I destroyed your life? I fell for you1 and I get stuck with have this fucking thing inside of me and when the truth comes out I get kicked out of my family, not just me house but my family for being a dyke who got knocked up by a tranny-fag!”

More tears slip down my cheeks.

“Tell me you don’t act around Giselle like she’s this “thing” please don’t tell me that…”

“Oh fuck off Jen she’s two…she really won’t get why mommy’s never connected…I really never knew just how much that I didn’t want to be a mother…until I had her…O won’t be alive for her to keep hating me.”

SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I slap her harder than I have ever slapped anyone in my life.

“You don’t do that to a kid Ingrid! Never! They can feel it! They know!....”

I’m screaming at her and she’s picking herself off the floor because I slapped her that hard and I’m thumping my head now against the wall of the bathroom stall.

“You hit me?!”

“Tough, you deserved it.”

“What!? I’m fucking dying of cancer! You have any idea how hard my life has been? No…..1 because Jenna Fucking Morgan went off and partied at a tranny club until she found her sugar daddy guy and sucked his dick until he married you!”

Sorry God…

I slap the scunt again.

This time I’m mad and I’ll talk to God about it later. I get up on my knees and pull her back up onto her knees and sit her up in the corner near the front of the stall and grab a fistful of blouse and bra pulling her to my face king of twisting too…yeah I know ouch…

“I had such a good time huh…you always said you though you were good at reading people well take a good look Ingrid……when I got outed by you guys the first thing that happened was my step dad coming in to beat it out of me then he decided that if I thought I wanted cock then he’d show me what I was in for…He beat me with his belt and the buckle…I still have the scars…and then he raped me…”

I let her go and let her slump back but I’m still looking at her and shaking in pain and anger and my fists are clenched so hard my bad shoulder is aching.

“And if that wasn’t enough my mom…my birth mother lost her shit and she… (Hard stare through my bangs at Ingrid.)…she doused me with gasoline and she was trying to not just fucking kill me but light me on fire…”

I raise my arms halfway and fight off the urge to punch the wall of the stall take a few deep breaths and I let the fists go.

“After that was the group home and you couldn’t find me right away because I was still a minor my placement was sealed…but the place was a shithole and like I said I had made plans and as soon as I became sixteen I left and started working…just trying to keep my head down and survive…I never hooked even though I could’ve…but after being raped…and the sexual abuse at the group home…I wanted nothing to do with guys…”

(Big tired teary sigh.)

“Not until I met Taylor and he stopped me from taking an overdose or walking into traffic and he showed me that we can have a life if we fight hard enough for it.”

She crying hugging herself and staring at me like she had no idea what I’d been through…

I see her fight it back and her do the other thing she used to do when upset…make a joke… “So….this some kind of new counciling trick slap the cancer-chick?”

“No… (Small smile.)…Taylor’s still in recovery from his cancer treatments…I slapped you because of what you’ve been doing to our daughter…and for being a bitch…”

She tries a smile again but it breaks up. “God Jenna…I know I suck!, I’m the shittiest parent around!...it just never happened…nothing…even when she was breast feeding there was nothing…I wanted to come clean sooner…IO did…but I was scared and now…I don’t have a choice…you’re the only thing she’s got.”

You ever know when it hits and it’s like god reaches down and touches you a minutes and everything get’s clear?

I just felt that.

I look up and smile a second at the ceiling. I mouth thank you.

I look at Ingrid. “She has you…even if you’re not feeling it she has you and you are for all of the other stuff you’ve done you’re being a good mom….you’re being a good Mummy.”

(Sniffle-sob!) “I am?”

I reach over and I pull her into a hug. “Yes you are. You’ve lost your family, your girlfriend’s gone and you just couldn’t step into being a mother…but you are…you are now, you came here to talk to me and for us to hash this out and get past it for her…you’re trying to fight it for her…and the fact that the two of you have never bonded the way that you really wanted to hurts you so bad…you’re a good Mummy even if you don’t think that you’re being one…”

She stares at me and starts to really bawl and I just let her…I pick her up and I carry her out of the restroom and through to the back I stop. “Iggy..? Where’s Giselle?”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Idavab…”

“In the van?” She nods but face still in my chest. “Are the keys in your purse?” she nods.

I look over to Taylor who nods and he’s already out the door and out crew just slips into the places they need to be when we’re both not there with nods and smiles for both of us.

God…their awesome.

You know they might work here and get paid for it but friendship? You can’t buy friendship like this.

I carry her up.

I fucking, fucking hate what she did. I’ll never ever forget the stuff she and they put me through.

But…I can’t hate her…I can’t ever say I still don’t love her because she’s my Iggy-pop…my best friend…my first real friend…and she needs me.

I want to be able to talk to god and more importantly my baby girl with a clean soul.

I have to.

I’m rocking her and holding her as she’s fallen asleep from stress and exhaustion in my lap and arms when my heart…of my heart breaks and shatters and melts at the same time.

Taylor comes in all bent over holding the hand of this little blonde girl in a little denim dress with piglet on it and she doing that little two year old clumsy walk not clumsy walk and she…she’s beautiful…even staring at me with those huge blue eyes of hers as she sort of hides behind and chews on her fist…she…is so beautiful…

And Taylor…my sweet Taylor’s looking at her with that way that Daddy looks at me…

(Happy-Sniffle-Glomp-sobs)

Images 39

Chapter 39

I move carefully and let Ingrid sleep there on the sofa and I slip across the hall to the bedroom and Taylor follows me over. Giselle looks at me with those big blue eyes of hers and pulls her fist out of her mouth and smiles at me. Once I’m in the bedroom I sit down on the floor and beckon her over with my finger and she smiles again and does this little squat down and up bobbing thing of just happy kid and goes. “Heee” and she start wobble walking to me and she comes right over and she hugs me.

She has no idea of who I am and she is just hugging me because well she’s two and that’s what little kids do…right?

I had no idea of just how much of an impact that her little arms squeezing me would have on my heart. They say the first time that you get to hold your child in your arms changes you forever.

It does even like this it does.

I can’t help it. I mean I try not to cry but she’s real and she’s mine and at the same time I lost so much time with her….and I’m torn between being happy and curling into a ball right now and bawling through the shock.

I’m smiling because she’s beautiful and I’m crying because she’s just here…

Then she’s looking at me and her face goes this sort of serious sort of thing and she’s touching my face, looking at me this way and that and there’s that smile.

I am so having this John Cusack moment like in Gross Point Blank where he’s staring at the baby and the baby is staring back. I’m almost afraid to admit how much she looks like me.

“Heee…Mum.” And she hugs me again and she snuggles close.

God she…did she just?

I’ll admit I love kids, I just do. And to be truthful I thought that really was part of me being the woman I am inside and it was supposed to be like that right? Love them but never have them…one more part of the TG-Impossible dream thing.

But to have my baby girl here…and that innocent…real hug…that love.

I really tentatively put my arms around her and hug her back and I swear she tries a little harder to hug me and plants her face into my torso and…

Something from that just takes all the hurt from today and makes it better.

It didn’t go away.
But she made it better.

“Y..yeah…I’m your Mum.”

She looks up at me with this hopeful look that a two year old shouldn’t have…

God dammit Ingrid what have you already done to this girl?

“Primis?”

………………………….?

Oh…

“Promise.”

I get hug tackled and I hold her and pick her up after a bit and carry her to my bed and I crawl into bed with her. There is nothing like a little girl that wants to snuggle close. I wrap my arms around her gently and she lets out this tiny heartbreaking little sigh.

Falling asleep with my child in my arms is like nothing I can even explain.

It’s like from the Velveteen rabbit….

*"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."*

Yeah…

(Sniffle.)

Another part from another book just kind of bubbles up out of me… Robert Munsch wrote it…

“I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.”

I mean it Giselle…I haven’t been there before this and I have no idea what I’m doing but I promise you that…

“I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.”

Images 40

Chapter 40

*Taylor…..

Ingrid…wow she’s a real fucking piece of work. I mean I’ve known some nasty and angry girls and some really screwed up girls and stuff but honestly she takes the cake for both of them.

Possibly the whole frigging bakery.

Okay if I’m getting this right she was Jenna’s best friend and the girl that was helping her transition. Which from what Jen has told me was the only time that she had started really feeling anything in her life.

But Ingrid is scared of getting labelled as a lesbian and was in denial about being one and when it had been heading toward Jen admitting that she was a straight girl it she went all spastic over it in this closeted girl fit and all it took was mother fucking Troy to push her just enough to betray Jen over it in this fucked up weird revenge trip.

But to get someone that’s your “best friend” drunk then drug them to rape them in order to get a kid out of it to blackmail her with to stay with you is just…well it’s fucking mental.

Cute kid though…

Hurt kid though.

I went out to get her out of the van and she wasn’t even looking up, just all sad quiet sitting in her car seat and when I open the car door and got her I said. “C’mon pumpkin let’s go see your mommy.”

The poor little thing actually sighed.

Like two and she sighed.

If she had the words I’m sure she would’ve said …Fuck…

And finding out that Ingrid’s apparently dying now of something like ovarian cancer? If that’s not going to be a serious blow to Jenna. I know my girl and despite everything that Ingrid’s done to her she’s going to try her damndest to make things as right as she possibly can.

Well I know that Ingrid’s not BSing us. I know the shaved head and I know that color too. Actually she does look worse off than me or than I did there’s definitely something off and wrong with her color.

Yeah she’s really sick.

I hang out quietly and just sort of watch my girl and the little girl and Giselle seems to just click with Jenna. And honestly if you looked at her and Jen you’d seriously think mother and daughter the resemblance is that close.

So could the kid just look at Jen and just tell?

I don’t know but as much as I think that I’m a tough nut when she called Jen “Mum.” And hugged her and held on to her I was in real danger of shedding a few tears.

And the way the Jenna was with her and watching her sleeping with Giselle like that was just.

Yeah I don’t really believe in God y’know not like Jen does but since Jenna’s came into my life I can honestly say that yeah…I believe there are Angels.

I see Ingrid stir after awhile and she changes colors and I go and I quickly lead her to the bathroom and she’s doing the power hurl thing. There’s a little sympathy there for her as she’s white knuckling the toilet bowl but not a whole lot of it.

Honestly…I don’t like this chick that much.

Sigh but I head out and I go to our kitchenette and stuff and I make some tea. Jen got this herbal stuff for me that doesn’t taste too bad and I make some fresh and I get her a small glass of grapefruit juice. Don’t ask me why but a small amount of it seemed to like to stay down with me. I normally really don’t like the stuff either It’s like bile if bile was imitating orange juice.

I get that on a tray with some water and I heat up one of Jenna’s cinnamon buns. It’s another one of those things that stayed down with me and I practically lived on them. Hell I still practically live on them. I’m not out of the woods or cleared yet and there are days when me and the meds I’m on to help me fight off the rest of the shit or to keep it from growing back make me and some of the stuff that I’m cooking sometimes be less than friends.

I slip into the bathroom and I wet a hand towel and pass it to her with the water. “Here, I know the feeling.”

She glares at me with this fuck you and go die look. “Really?” oh bitch that was just dripping with venom.

“Yeah really, I’m still taking my cancer meds.”

“Yeah…Jenna said that so you’re like her husband right?”

“Yeah I am so?”

“So you’re a fag then.”

“Nope, Jenna’s a girl.”

“Not really.”

“She’s a better fucking woman than you are.”

“What’d you say to me?”

“I didn’t fucking stutter Ingrid.”

“Fucking asshole men…”

“Yeah, I’m such an asshole.” I say as I set the tray down on the edge of the bathtub.

“What’s this?”

“Breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Yeah I know like I said, but you need to eat.”

“Why, it doesn’t fucking matter, I’m not going to recover.”

“How long?”

“A couple of months…two maybe three.”

“Hmmph, sucks but get other opinions.”

“Yeah I figured you’d say something like that. I don’t live a charmed fucking life.”

“Neither did I until Jenna, They gave me the you’re going to die letter too, get your shit done…I was supposed to be dead a long time ago according to them.”

“Blessed ain’t?”

“Of fucking get over yourself Ingrid. Other people have it hard, other people have had it harder than we’ll thankfully ever know.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’ve got a Somali waitress down stairs that’s a challenge to that attitude honey and despite the shit she’s been through she’s still a damned nice person. You…you’re not and it’s that poor fuckin me attitude that’s doing it.”

“I don’t care! It’s not fair!”

“Life never once care with a guarantee Ingrid. It doesn’t, it’s exactly what you make it.”

“Yeah so it’s my fault that my life’s been utter shit!?”

I get down kneeling and pick her up and set her ass on the toilet. I’m looking her in to face, eye to eye. “Yes, it’s that simple…life happens, things happen and it just on us, only us what we do with the time that we have…love, friendships, parenting it’s all our choices…to have other people treat us the way we want…need…we have to do the same…you, me, nobody wants to dump their life, love and time into a black hole…”

“But…”

“No, no more fucking buts…you’re out of them, dying, this is the last goddamned bit of time for you to get your head out of your cunt and stand up ad actually be the Ingrid you want to be.”

“I can’t I killed her with everything and…”

I cut her off tapping her on the forehead. “No, you’re still alive, she’s still alive you’re hurting way more all the time then from just the cancer right?”

She nods, tears flowing.

“That’s the real you screaming and beating herself bloody to get out.”

She just stares at me…crying…sniffling occasionally.

“Drink the juice first give it a few minutes then the tea…and there’s stuff here you can use…take a bath…and instead of getting clean outside try letting the bullshit soak off of you okay?”

(Sniffle.) “Y..yeah..”

I leave and I close the door and go and take a peek at Jenna laying in our bed Giselle in her arms and there’s this at peace, happy look with tears on her face and the little one holding tight.

I go and get my guitar and I just sit there and play softly strumming away in the big chair across from our bed. I kind of feel Jenna watching me and smiling. I’m just a guy that messes around with the guitar and sort of can sing but I try anyway.

It’s kind of that Hambone-country version of *Hush little Baby* but if like George Thorogood sang it.

“Hush, little baby, don't say a word.  
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,  
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring  

And if that diamond ring turns brass,  
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass  

And if that looking glass gets broke,  
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat  

And if that billy goat won't pull,  
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull  

And if that cart and bull fall down,  
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town”

I know she crying and I know that she’s got good tears going…God Jenna, how do you do that? How can you just look at a guy like me and make me feel…right.

Images 41

Previously on Images…

“Neither did I until Jenna, They gave me the you’re going to die letter too, get your shit done…I was supposed to be dead a long time ago according to them.”

“Blessed ain’t?”

“Oh fucking get over yourself Ingrid. Other people have it hard; other people have had it harder than we’ll thankfully ever know.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’ve got a Somali waitress down stairs that’s a challenge to that attitude honey and despite the shit she’s been through she’s still a damned nice person. You…you’re not and it’s that poor fuckin me attitude that’s doing it.”

“I don’t care! It’s not fair!”

“Life never once came with a guarantee Ingrid. It doesn’t, it’s exactly what you make it.”

“Yeah so it’s my fault that my life’s been utter shit!?”

I get down kneeling and pick her up and set her ass on the toilet. I’m looking her in to face, eye to eye. “Yes, it’s that simple…life happens, things happen and it just on us, only us what we do with the time that we have…love, friendships, parenting it’s all our choices…to have other people treat us the way we want…need…we have to do the same…you, me, nobody wants to dump their life, love and time into a black hole…”

“But…”

“No, no more fucking buts…you’re out of them, dying, this is the last goddamned bit of time for you to get your head out of your cunt and stand up ad actually be the Ingrid you want to be.”

“I can’t I killed her with everything and…”

I cut her off tapping her on the forehead. “No, you’re still alive; she’s still alive you’re hurting way more all the time then from just the cancer right?”

She nods, tears flowing.

“That’s the real you screaming and beating herself bloody to get out.”

She just stares at me…crying…sniffling occasionally.

“Drink the juice first give it a few minutes then the tea…and there’s stuff here you can use…take a bath…and instead of getting clean outside try letting the bullshit soak off of you okay?”

(Sniffle.) “Y...yeah...”

I leave and I close the door and go and take a peek at Jenna lying in our bed Giselle in her arms and there’s this at peace, happy look with tears on her face and the little one holding tight.

I go and get my guitar and I just sit there and play softly strumming away in the big chair across from our bed. I kind of feel Jenna watching me and smiling. I’m just a guy that messes around with the guitar and sort of can sing but I try anyway.

And Now…..

Chapter 41

*Jenna………..

I wake up and I can feel myself being snuggled by this amazing tiny little body and she’s a little wriggly too. I yawn and I can feel her move up further on the bed and I can almost tell she’s awake and right in from of my face.

She’s so quiet except for her breathing, she’s doing that little kid breathing because they don’t know how to quiet that down and stuff.

It’s hard to not smile.

I don’t know what Ingrid’s been like but I’m…

I’m going to be a different Mommy.

I want to be a good Mom.

I want to be a Mom.

I’ve wanted it since I saw the kids that my therapist works with, I was feeling it with Mom and Hunter and It was something that got really stuck in my heart when Taylor talked about us adopting someday.

As bad as everything to this point has been it’s worth it.

I haven’t even known her for a full twenty four hours yet and I would do anything for my baby girl, walk through fire, lose a limb, I’d die for her already.

She was mine, from me no matter how it happened and as soon as I held her she was part of me heart and soul.

Thank you God….just thank you…

I open my eyes all of a sudden and Giselle was looking at me about four inches from my face and it’s just amazing to watch her eyes go so wide and she squeals. “Uuzz!”

I grab her and she squeaks and I hug her first then I start to tickle her and she bubbles out laughter that just seems to change the whole feel of everything.

I stop and smile at her. “Good morning pumpkin you sleep good?”

She does her bobble-head nod and she hugs me tightly.

Like she couldn’t wait to and like she needed it.

“You need to go to the bathroom?”

She shakes her head no and points to the chair where Taylor’s guitar is sitting. “Daddy take potty.”

“Okay, well I got to use the potty you want to come with me?”

She nods another of her bobble-head nods then she takes me by my finger. “C’mun go potty.”

I let her lead me there.

I see Ingrid curled into a bawl around one of the pillows on the couch looking pale but not green. I give her this little smile and a finger wave and she just stares at me…so like I’ve done something.

I’m sure that there’s going to be some of that but other than doing what I’m doing with our daughter I ignore her attempt to start something and I’m actually going to rely on her feeling too sick to keep the bullshit up.

In her case, her cancer is sort of on my side in this.

I get cleaned up and I comb and brush my hair and then hers and get ready for my day. I scoop Giselle up into my arms and I come out to the living room.

Ingrid looks up from where she’s at. “What.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m dying how do you think?”

“Uh-huh, that’s not going to help you. “

“What isn’t?”

“The attitude, give me your cell-phone please?”

“Why?”

“Because your folks are on it, your girlfriend is on it and everything else is likely on it.”

“No.”

I hold out my hand.

“No.”

“Iggy…”

“What?”

“You…owe…me…”

She’s trying to stare me down and I keep staring at her and she’s trying to work up a mad on but that takes more energy than she’s got. But Giselle is hiding from her glare by bury her face into my shoulder.

It goes on awhile longer before she sort of slumps. “It’s in my bag.”

“Better, just stay up here and rest, I’ll be in and out to check on you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes I do.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

I go over and I get her bag and I look through it and there’s her phone and her blackberry and there’s enough meds to kill the Chinese army. “When do you take you meds?”

“When I need to what’s the point.”

“Uh-huh…I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going with my bag?”

“Downstairs.”

“Why?”

“I have work to do and I’m not coming up here to check on you in case you decide to O.D. and check out on us.”

She doesn’t lift her head but she’s glaring at me and almost crying at the same time. “You’re a bitch.”

“Iggy, don’t uses that language in front of Giselle ever again.”

“She won’t remember it.”

“Yes she will, and that kind of stuff sticks and the way it came about does too.”

“Whatever.”

“No not whatever, we’re not fifteen anymore that doesn’t cut it in real life it’s time to grow up.”

“I’m dying that’s grown up enough.”

“That’s the last time you get to use that as a crutch…you came to me Iggy it’s my rules now. You’re going to fight this and even if this turns out it’s a losing battle I’m going to make sure that you’re not going to be the sorry shadow of the girl that was my best friend.”

Ingrid turns from the both of us and she starts to cry into the back of the couch and Giselle’s upset and whimpering into me.

I might want to comfort Ingrid but she’s had enough of that from someone…I’m not letting her drag me into her pity party. I take my daughter who’s crying in my arms downstairs and rock her humming. I put Ingrid’s bag into one of the cabinets in the laundry room and then carry Giselle down into the back kitchen.

“Hey…..you want some breakfast?”

She shakes her head hard no…oh she got that from her mother. She rubs at her eyes.

“You want to help me make cinnamon rolls?”

“Wuzza?” (Sniffle.)

“They’re really good treats, I make then and I sell them to people.”

She’s still rubbing at her eyes and sniffling but does her bobble headed nod.

“Okay, you can pass me things and stuff okay?”

(Sniffle.) “s’kay” she buried her face into my shoulder again and she…she’s rubbing her face and her nose on my top.

I guess that’s just going to come into the territory.

I get her one of the high chairs we’ve got for the kids that come into the restaurant and set it to where she’s level with reaching the work table and I start making my cinnamon rolls but I give her things to do. Like stirring the water that the yeast and the sugar is in with a whisk. Whisks look cool and shiny especially to a two year old. I talk to her and show her what I’m doing and even getting her to taste things and tell her what they are. Not big stuff but like the cinnamon or the butter and stuff.

Njinda comes in and watches me and she’s smiling.

“I rememba being that age Jenna, I don’t remember that much of bein that young but I remember the smells of my Granny’s kitchen everytime I smell food from home…you’re going to be a great Mum y;know…she’s gonna remember this stuff too.”

“I hope so, I really do because I want my little girl to have the stuff I never did, all the stuff I missed.”

“You’re doing a great job already pumpkin. God I’m so proud of you.” I look up and my father’s there smiling at me eye’s shining.

Proud of me…

“Thanks Daddy.” (Sniffle.)

Images 42

Chapter 42

As a girl…for me there is something as close to pure joy to just walk up and wrap your arms around you father and bury yourself into that man that will always love you. “Hey Daddy…” I love just being able to do this. Its gets so much better when he hugs me back in that Daddy strong way and it lifts my soul as he lifts me off my feet a little.

Giselle’s watching us with huge eyes and holding her whisk in both hands. She’s never seen this…I know she’s haven’t. He set’s me down and he looks at her and he smiles but carefully say’s “Hi.” With this big smile on his face.

She breaks out into the grin she gets that smile little kids get just so huge. “Hee!” and she starts to giggle and bounce in the high chair. And when he leans over she bops him with the whisk and squeals laughing. “Hee!”

He just smiles this great big smile and then looks at me. “She’s beautiful Jenna.”

I smile and tickle her sides. “You have the papers drawn up Dad?”

“Yeah, it sounds like she’s a real handful she’ll likely not sigh them.”

“I’ll make her sign them.”

“As an officer of the court I never heard that.”

“I didn’t mean it that way Dad.”

“I know, I was joking.”

“Can you get them? I’m not wasting any time here with Ingrid. She might not have the time to waste or she’s just…she’s not fighting back and I’ll drag her into the fight for her life kicking and screaming if I have to.”

“She might hate you for doing this.”

“She’s hated me before…I’ll live. Besides it’s not for me it’s for our daughter and even if it doesn’t work out we’ll be able to look Giselle in the eyes and said that we tried everything. Can you watch her until I get back?”

“Sure honey, I’ll be right back.”

He moves and goes out to the front of the diner and comes back with his briefcase and he takes out two sets of papers with that blue backing you see in legal documents. I take them and I hug him then I head upstairs to where Ingrid’s at and she’s sort of doze watching stuff on TV.

“Hey…”

“What.”

“We need to talk.”

“About?”

“I have papers for you to sign.”

“Papers you went and lawyered up already? I don’t have anything Jenna…suing me won’t get you squat.”

I go over and sit down beside her on the couch. “I’m not suing you Iggy.”

“Then what’s with the papers?”

“The first ones are custody papers.”

“We went over those; I told you I want you to take her.”

“The second ones are power of attorney.”

“What!!! No fucking way?”

“Yes.” I say it firmly. “I’m the father of your child and I’m the only one you effing got right now and you’ll sign these bloody things and you’re going to do what I tell you too.”

“And If I don’t?”

“I’ll call your parents; tell them they have a grand daughter.”

“No!!!” she screams it at me, even tries to kick me.

“No! No fucking no! You keep that bastard away from her!!! He’s never to see her ever!”

Whoa…

WTF?

“Iggy…who…Iggy chill!” I have to grab her legs and hold them.

“Jenna…Nooo…please…please Noooo…he’ll touch her…he’ll do it he’ll touch her like he touched me…”

Fuck…

“Who touched you?”

“Dad…”

She breaks down and starts to cry, to bawl and hug the pillows…I slip off the couch to the floor and wrap my arms around her and pull her head into my chest.

“I was sevennnnnnnn…….” She wails that into my chest and she hangs on tight to me.

Seven…

Seven years old and he…he molested her…

I’m not saying that’s what made her gay…you’re born that way in my beliefs but Ingrid was always considered that goth emo girl that was even odd and screwed up for the gothy emo kids. I really didn’t know…

“He won’t get near her; I promise he’ll never get the chance…”

“Promise me!, You fucking promise?”

“I promise…I’ll protect her with my life Iggy.”

(Sniffle…) “Gimmie the papers…”

“Give yourself a few minutes….”

“Okay… (Sniffle.)…this really sucks….”

“You need to talk about this.”

“I…I can’t…”

“Yes you can, you have too Ingrid this is pain you don’t need…It’s killing you.”

“The cancer’s killing me.”

“And you think this shit’s not helping it along? Getting through this is as much about heart as there is medicine.”

“You never talked like this before…”

“No…I’ve learned a lot since we’ve been together like this.”

“Jenna…?”

“Yes honey?”

“I’m sorry…”

“I know honey.”

“I…for everything…”

“I know…”

“Can you…Do you forgive me?”

“I already have…in my way…I’ll never forget it, but yeah…Love the sinner and hate the sin.”

“Yeah you’re into god and stuff.”

“I’ve my own faith yeah and I’m not so much about the hate stuff…”

“I never got the whole bible thing…it’s full of crap…”

“It is because man wrote it, people messed with it, honestly honey I just want to believe in things that move me…heck I follow the Dali Lama on FaceBook.”

“But the world’s just…”

“The world is the world honey it’s only changed in context.”

“You should write self help stuff.”

“You think a lot when you’re on the edge of suicide for a long time…transitioning or trying to…alone…then finding faith, family, lots of therapy…”

“You’ve been through so much…”

“You too…Ingrid?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah?”

“It’s going to get worse…It’s going to be hard but I’ll be here with you.”

“Promise?”

I hold up my pinky. “Heck yeah.”

She hooks her pinky in mine. “Okay give me those papers…”

I watch as she sign’s over the papers both the sets for custody and for me being her power of attorney. There’s going to be a long tough go with her medical issues and her attitudes and getting her to go…even after this…she’ll still fight me.

She lays back down and smiles shyly at me a little before curling into her pillow.

I even lean down and kiss her forehead before going downstairs.

She needs to talk about her dad…to get it out there and to press charges…I’m not letting this slide…I need to protect my daughter from him and Ingrid needs to do this.

I need to talk to Daddy about this.

I’m going to protect my family….no matter what.

Images 43

Chapter 43

I’m mad…I’m mad and sort of feeling a bit sick in my heart about finding out about this. Iggy was abused and I know I wasn’t in a good place myself then struggling with what and who I was but I just can’t help but really feel bad even a little guilty about me being that self absorbed back then that I couldn’t see the pain there?

I was over there at her place more than a few times and I never noticed the way that she interacted with him.

And just the thought of that sick bastard finding out about my daughter has my stomach churning in this…

God the thought of it just disgusts me.

I hit, punch the wall with one hand a few times as I head back downstairs. No it’s not my guy side rising up. I don’t have a guy side anymore instead I have a Mom side. She’s fresh right out of the package but that’s the person that just punched a hole in the drywall.

You mess with my family and it’s on.

You hurt one of my children and I will kill you.

Yes I went there.

I know it’s not turn the other cheek or that it says in the bible that vengeance is for God…well God’s in each and everyone of us so…

I’m pretty worked up by the time I get back down to the bakery part of the kitchen and Dad’s there looking at me.

“You’re upset.”

“Oh yeah….good reason too.” I’m rubbing my knuckles on the hand that hit the wall. Dad gives me that fatherly raised eyebrow look. I sigh and lean on the counter and start putting my apron back on. “Ingrid signed the papers and I sort of had to push her and while I was pushing her she sort of had a freak out sort of flashback moment I think and she let it out that her father had molested her and she was terrified of him getting anywhere near Giselle.”

“You think she’s telling the truth?”

“Yeah Dad she was way too upset and way too freaked out to lie about this…she really was having some kind of a relapse there.”

“He’ll never get near her Jenna but we need proof.”

“I know, I’m going to have to get Ingrid to talk to the police about this.”

“Yes and that’ll be as hard as pulling teeth I imagine.”

“As much as it’ll be to get her to see the doctors at the university.”

“Taylor might be able to help with that.”

I smile because I can remember the talk that he and Ingrid had earlier. “Yeah Tay’s got a certain way with Ingrid that might help.”

“And he’s been in her shoes too.”

“She won’t see it that way though.”

“No she’s still very stubborn and still very messed up.”

“Yeah but I’m getting a look at why though.”

He kisses my cheek and hugs me again. “I’m off I have to talk to Billy and then get these papers filed and everything. I’ll see you this afternoon or tonight okay?”

“Okay Daddy.” I give him a hug and a kiss back and head out to the front of the diner to get Giselle from Taylor. He’s holding her and he’s at the take out window cash and she’s taking the wrapped food and passing it to them with her “Hee...” grin and giggle laugh. She’s not sure what the tips are and money probably but she likes how shiny and stuff they are and she squeals or smiles and even claps a little as people are tipping really heavily into the tip jar and I can see a good number of loonies and toonies from here.

Y’know I was going to get her and finish the cinnamon rolls but I’m just actually going to just sit here and watch my guy be this walk right into it no holds barred great Dad.

And you know there is something so sexy about a guy that’s a good father…and I’m sure as hell not the only girl in the place having her ovaries go …..Ow…over the entire scene. Yes I don’t actually have them but I’m feeling them…I’m feeling very maternal but in this odd sexy way?

I mean he’s……blonde but he’s still in that under an inch of hair stage right now…blue grey eyes that just are like where the icy tops of the Rockies kiss the sky…a bit of sexy scruffy bead going on…and blonde scruff so it’s actually finer and softer than the really bristly stuff.

A t-shirt that sticks to him and jeans and a really great body too…six two…one seventy or so of nicely muscled man….and tattoos from when he was into the bikes with Billy and juvy.

Playing with a little girl and being sweet with her and actually showing her off to the people around there and telling her she’s doing a good job as she passes over the bags of food and takes the money and gives it to him.

Yeah…

Have I ever mentioned that I really love him?

I get Giselle from Taylor and share how I feel in front of everyone with a long minute maybe two kiss that has me pinning him to the cash by the take out window and we get some hoots and hollers from our regulars then I take her out back to the baking kitchen but put a little sway in my hips as I leave.

Giselle has no idea why everyone was doing that but they were happy so that makes her squeal and giggle along with the crowd and I smile and kiss her forehead then settle her into the high chair and get on with the day’s baking.

I talk to her as I make things and she watches but at the same time she’s having a whole lot of fun playing with the whisk and some plastic bowls. I don’t mind the whamming sounds as she drums away. It’s a kid thing right. In fact I smile a lot at it just because I have a baby girl my daughter and she’s making noise.

My daughter is making noise.

I mean there are just things that are really kind of miracles that you can’t get upset by.

I take a break and I head up with Giselle to the office and I get her changed and washed up a bit in the bathroom there and she’s young enough that she’s not enthused about getting cleaned up until I show her how to make bubbles with the soap in the sink.

I get her a pen and a pad of paper to draw on and stuff while I go though Iggy’s bag and her pills and I type them into the computer and look them up and what they do and what they’re for while keeping and eyes on my girl and once she’s bored with doodling I pull her up to my lap and smile.

“You wanna help mommy?”

“’Kay…”

I show her what I’m doing and she doesn’t get it but she learns Enter and I’m guiding her hand with the mouse and telling her when to click. I’m tell her “Good job” and “Smart girl.” I do it just every now and then. I want to start on this kind of thing too. I’m a believer in the idea that kids pick up on things when they’re this little not just words and the things that we say but our attitudes, the feelings we give off. Babies don’t get language skills when they’re born so they build on senses and experiences…we all do but it’s the early years I think that are important.

I copy paste things together into a file folder so I have everything in one place and I look through the rest of her bag and her papers and I toss some of the garbage out. I mean really…seven packet of gum with only like one or two tabs of gum in each? Used Kleenex just junk, nothing important but its Iggy and she’s always sort of been like that.

I guess caring about the little things is hard when you’ve been through what she’s been through and cancer…getting dumped…oh yeah I found her Ex’s phone number I’ll have to look into meeting her. I know Taylor’s been through this but come on…there’s things you just do not do.

Who the hell breaks off a relationship because the person you’re with gets cancer?

Then again…I have this sneaky suspicion that Ingrid might have been really hard to live with on purpose.

Yeah…well look at it from this angle. You get an abused, molested child you see them mess up a lot and a lot of them blame what happened to them. But that’s normal because it’s trauma really deep trauma.

But I think when this happens unless you are there really fast and put in a LOT of time and effort to heal these children you have these people that are in and out of life from jobs to relationships because they get to this point of where them asking why this happened because there’s no good answer for the evil just stops and it becomes this whole deep down there is something wrong with me.

And they mess things up even if they never mean to because this is so deep down.

Can’t hold jobs or relationships because that’s not for them, it’s what regular people do…but sooner or later there is this destructive spark there that wants to show the world or even themselves that…There’s something wrong with me…

It becomes a part of their self identity, a negative part but I think maybe this was part of why Ingrid has done these bad things to me and just in general?

If other people hate you, or dislike you as much as you do yourself does it hurt more or hurt less?

Is this cycle of things like an emotional only version of being a cutter?

Things are going so good and it comes to a point of that whatever it is being so good becomes pressure because of having something great in their life…of having something to lose?

See…I have been going to therapy.

Well actually she usually comes to me and it’s usually me feeding her and talking and having coffee in the kitchen while we talk about stuff.

Of course being TG actually means that I’m always got my nose in a book or in the screen looking up stuff like this. Most of us have a love hate relationship with stuff like therapy, psychology and even religion.

Looking for yourself and answers and all of that stuff.

Honestly Taylor’s my rock, he’s challenged the me I was and I know that I’ve changed as much since meeting him as I have since I started to be myself.

I finish in the office by sending an e-mail to Taylor’s oncologist explaining everything that’s going on and the whole power of attorney thing and I’m initially just asking for advice or a consult and second opinion.

Sigh…

I head downstairs in time to help with the lunch rush and we figure the safest place to have Giselle is beside the cash register. I’m not the best waitress we have and Taylor’s good enough on the line that I watch the cash and do stuff behind the counter after I move the highchair beside the cash in the corner of the counter and get her secure and she get’s into doing this “Hee…” laugh she does and after a bit especially when people talk to her.

I’ll say this she’s good for the tip jar.

Lots of questions too.

I’m open about them too.

Yes she’s mine.

Her birth mother’s really and is staying with us.

Yes technically I’m the father. (That one not so much.)

Actually since the whole thing with Troy it’s really not been a secret who I am and who I was. And people have actually been pretty decent about it and they’re being really decent about this too.

Actually I keep getting compared to her she’s got my blonde hair for sure and there might be a resemblance there but I’m not sure. But I really appreciate the thoughts at least. She’s actually really well behaved in this combination of her being shy to begin with and just staring at everyone and everything as there’s so much going on and so much energy during a lunch rush.

After the lunch rush I see Billy and Davey and they look like their heading out together which is odd as Davey is usually with Tim at one of the job sites and Davey’s here to see Nin and Billy’s here to see Kendal.

I go over to Billy while Kendal’s getting them both some lunch. “Hey, I need a favor.”

“Running in the family?”

“Oh?”

“Doing a favor sort of for your Dad.”

“Oh?”

“Club troubles and your Uncle Remy needs a bit of help.”

I’m drawing a blank. “Sorry…I’m still getting to know Dad…I didn’t even know I had an Uncle Remy.”

“Jeremy Powers…a really good dude by the word I got back from the chapter involved.”

“Oh, well maybe i should wait.”

“No, what do you need?”

“I need some pot.”

“Jenna?”

“No…not for me for Ingrid. She’s not eating and keeping things down and…”

“And it’s good for nausea and pain as well as it’ll give her the munchies.”

“Yeah, am I even being kind of an assuming bitch for asking.”

“No…yeah I’ll have Kendal get you some. You’d be surprised how many of my customers are people that need this for actual medicinal reasons.”

“Really? Uhm…how much?”

“Nada Jen.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s for you and you’re family.”

“Thanks Billy you’re a sweetheart.” I lean over and kiss him on the cheek and give him a big hug.

“Shssh…you’ll wreck my reputation.”

“Pfft, anyone who knows you knows you’re one of the good guys.”

“I’m not that good.”

“No…you’re not that lawbiding…I’m getting the difference.”

“Yeah okay so, how are things with the girl?”

“Giselle’s awesome.”

“I can see that but I meant the other one.”

“She’s really in bad shape…and I learned some stuff that sort of explains why maybe she did what she did….I’m not really forgetting it…it wasn’t right but I can’t let all of the stuff between us wreck this chance.”

“Chance?”

“She’s been through some heavy shit Billy her father was way, way to hands on with her when she was little.”

“Where’s he live?”

“4116 Strathmore court.”

“You want something done?”

I did rattle off the address and I think for a minute. I’m not above the whole idea anymore I realize. There might not be a way to touch him legally and some people might think this is wrong but my beliefs and faith aside I’m coming to realize that I live in the real world and sometimes life can reach out to crush you and sometimes God gives you the tools to make things…right.

I never thought that I’d be one of those sort of hard women but…

Billy gets up and pulls me into a hug. “We’ll leave that on the back burner honey. Just remember family is everything.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah… hey can I get you guys to take some stuff to my newfound family?”

“Yeah we’re just taking a small flight over so as long as it’s carry on.”

“I’ll be right back.”

I slip into the kitchen and get a cooler bag for our deliveries and I wrap up a whole bunch of my cinnamon rolls and put a couple of diner t-shirts in there too and a hasty note with my phone number and my e-mail address. “Hi, I’m Jenna, John’s daughter. Give me a call or something sometime because I’d really like to get to know my newfound family.”

I bring it out and give it to Billy who passes it to Davey and we all get some hugs and they head out the doors.

Hungry myself I get some rolls and some soup and I sit with the girls and Giselle and we eat she eats a good amount but gets a good amount of it over her and the highchair and myself.

Kind of a baptism really.

I see two of the cops come in that are regulars and I head over letting Kendal watch Giselle and she’s got this who me look and a bit of fear and also a bit of that melty girl with a kid thing.

“Marty, Jane…what can I get you two?”

“Usual Jenna how’s things?”

“Rough sort of another family crisis.”

“Anything we can do?”

“Yeah…see the cute little girl with Kendal?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s my daughter.”

“You adopted? I thought that takes awhile.”

“No my bio-daughter from before I was really me.”

“Oh.”

“Well that’s a long story but part of it is she’s here now living with me because her mom is really sick. And once we talked things out and I found out that her father had molested her as a child.”

“Fucker! How long ago?”

“Ten year at least.”

“There’s no statute of limitations on sexual assaults here in Canada it’s considered a federal crime but we need to talk to her immediately if possible and get things started in the investigation and so we can keep an eye on him.”

“Okay…I don’t…”

“Jenna, he won’t stop if he’s done this to her then he’s done it likely before to others and since or even still.”

“Can you guys do it now?”

“Hell yes is she here?”

“Upstairs.”

“No time like the present.”

Ingrid is so going to fucking hate this. I’m going to hate this and it’s going to be really bad…I call Dad and tell him what’s going on. He tells me that he’ll be here in half an hour and that I should call my therapist and see if she knows anyone that’s a specialist in sexual assault victims and can offer up a professional opinion of what Ingrid is saying, he’s asked Angie and she’s getting some numbers of the people that they contact for that stuff through the ER.

I call Marley and she gives me a list of three people and phone numbers and after a few minutes explaining things she says she’ll call them for me and see what can be done. She also says that the police should talk to her paediatrician who might have had suspicions of things but no proof while Ingrid was still their patient.

The police were on their phones as well during this time too. I guess when it comes to these cases they talk to the higher ups before getting in deep because it can get really big if there are other victims.

I tell the girls what’s going on and that I don’t know how long we’ll be.

I take a deep breath and lead them upstairs and to where Ingrid is. She’s watching TV sort of and sort of sleeping too and I look at her.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“The Police are here.”

Her eyes widen and she looks like she’s going to freak out and start yelling about it and I kneel down on the floor in front of her and look her in the eyes. “You have to.”

“But…”

“What if he’s doing this to another kid?”

Her eyes got a little wider and tears poured out of them….nope…she never thought of that and I can see the sick to her stomach guilt churning up there. I hold her hands in mine tightly.

“Okay…”

“For Giselle…right…”

“Yeah…”

I help her sit up and she’s looking like hell form this…the stress will not be good for her and she’s kind of sickly pale but she’s wiping her face and looking at the police as they settle in.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this but we have to do it.

Because not just is there Justice for Ingrid and safety for Giselle on the line here…he needs to be stopped.

Please God don’t let him be still doing this.

If...

If he is, I'll stop him...somehow.

Images 44

Chapter 44

Iggy’s looking not that well as she looks at me and she looks at the cops and she sort of pulls herself up to where she’s sitting and she’s pulling her legs up. I sit beside her and she does this little lead against me and I slip an arm around her behind her back.

She’s quiet for awhile and just looking at her I can see her pulling away and getting distant like she’s lost inside her head.

“Iggy?”

“I was five…? I think when he first started…he’d tell me I was pretty…told me that I was special his perfect little girl.”

I’m feeling this sickening dread of what she’s going to say and I try to steel myself. Bite the inside of my cheek and clench my jaw.

“He liked bath time…”

“Lets get pretty for daddy.”

“Here honey you got to be extra special clean…”

“I though it was cleaning…I thought it was because…but he’d even then…he started just washing me there at first and then it was rubbing with his fingers….”

“Then…You want to be clean for daddy right princess? And I think I was seven almost eight when…let daddy clean you inside and out…that’s when his fingers went inside…”

Iggy shivered and went a little pale and these big fat tears went spilling out of her eyes and ran down her cheeks.

Her jaw’s trembling and I’m not sure that she even knows that we’re there.

“Here darling let daddy show you how to clean him inside and out…take it in your hands move them up and down….he liked that…that getting clean inside felt good…”

“Cleanliness is next to godliness…. He used to laugh and I never got it…never got it…got something else though…god want’s us to be clean inside it’s why he made it feel good…it’s why he made boy juices and girl juices good for each other…”

“Heh…heh…heh…heh…he made sure that I got lots and lots of boy juices…I was going to a healthy special girl…”

She retched a little at the memory…I’m livid, angry I’m not one of these people that’s rabid about her faith but I do strongly have faith of my own and for anyone to use God and say these things to sexually abuse a child…it’s wrong…it’s evil.

“He…he…he showed me that my body was made to be his…that he fit inside of me and that the way my girl parts gripped his boy parts was natural…it was the way that it was supposed to happen…”

“It hurt, oh it hurt inside it hurt…and there was blood…and…he said I needed his boy juice…that it’d make it all better that every time I was bleeding because I didn’t have his juice…I didn’t know…I didn’t know because…Momma never said nothing…she showed me later how to use pads but she never said nothing!”

“Jenna!? Why? Why wouldn’t she say something!? Why? She knew right? She was my mother she had to know, she had to know that he was doing these things! She had too right!”

She’s screaming it, and I’m not even sure that she’s really asking me or just asking period the Whole Big Why questions. I pull her to me and I hug her tight and she cries…and it’s not the sobbing bawling but that scream out cry of a dying heart and soul.

I have no answers as to why…My own Stepfather a man who loved me as long as I was the macho-soulless point scoring machine had raped his transgendered teen daughter…and my birth…well…Natalie she lost her meal ticket and doused me with gasoline and tried to light me on fire.

I have no answers to why there is such evil out there in the world and why so many of us are engulfed in it way too soon.

I do know that you have to survive, that you have to win and take back your life and shatter that mirror from hell. Yes the shards are still there and you might get cut again once in awhile but once you smash that you’re not looking that Hell in the face every second of everyday.

Maybe I’m still a jock but I can get over things, I have to beat them, I have to smash through even if I get cut up inside because I want to live my life, my life and I don’t want them or what’s been done to live my life instead of me.

I hold her through it and the officer, the lady cop asks. “Ingrid…is this your formal statement?”

Iggy nods….and chokes out a “Yes.”

She’s looking at us with tear red eyes. “I’m glad that I started bleeding…because it stopped after I started to grow breasts and get my curves. He got mean then, he never hit me but pushed me away and got angry for awhile at me telling me that I was getting fat and disgusting…”

The police nod… The male cop’s writing. “That’s important thank you Ingrid…it shows a pattern…that he’s got a type. You said he was only verbally abusive for awhile did he go back to normal?”

“He…he acted like daddy usually did but he never really touched me anymore…”

They looked at each other but just made some more notes.

My guts did a roll and a heave…

I think I know why and I’ve tears in my eyes just with the thought of it.

I think Ingrid’s too shell shocked and hurt from it to have ever clued into why.

They go through the formalities of her pressing charges and go through things again. They don’t even say anything when I roll Iggy a joint of the pot that was left here from Billy. I get an eyebrow but I just light it and pass it to Iggy. “OV cancer.” There was just a nod and the male cop just went over and opened the window and that was all she said about that. And yes I still remember how to roll a joint. Not a user myself since school and the group home but I’m not going to dismiss it either.

There’s a bit of the legal stuff that I have to co-sign now that I’m her power of attorney and I make both of them a coffee and myself and Iggy a herbal soothing tea that worked okay for Taylor and I’m up there for awhile and I think Ingrid’s slipped into shock…she’s just pushed into the corner of the couch and wrapped in a blanket looking wrecked but more emotionally that than the cancer and hugging her tea.

I walk them out once we’re all done. “Thanks you two for everything call me when you’ll need us and if something else comes to light I’ll call you two.”

I get their cards given to me and each writes down their home numbers and cell phones on the back. “Day or night Jenna, the more we get to know, the better this investigation will go.”

“Okay, I want to know when there’s going to charges laid in this so I can get the restraining orders set in place…I don’t want him getting away because I tipped him off but I want him never to have contact with my daughter ever.”

“We’ll let you know when he’s going to be charged the CP won’t have a problem issuing the retraining orders as we serve him with the charges.”

“Are you going to go and arrest him?”

“We’ll need more evidence but we have probable for a cyber-warrant.”

“Cyber warrant?”

“It’ll legally let our sex crimes task force search his computers and accounts for child pornography.”

“Oh…yeech…”

“Yeah sick bastards but with them if it’s on his computer then odds are he has pictures…if there’s anything like that we’ll find it. We’ll turn his life apart Jenna…we will.”

I hug them both tightly. “Thank you two so much…” I wipe at my eyes and they do too a little even cops that have been doing this a long time…even they’re still effected by this shit…it never gets to where you’re numb to it. At least not with the good cops.

I head upstairs to check on Ingrid who’s still really messed up but getting lulled into sleep buy the weed she smoked and calmer thanks to the tea.

I could go back to work and I should but instead I go and get Giselle and some stuff from the main kitchen and I make sure she’s clean and changed after going to pot…okay…after I clean and get the kids toilet seat thing I go to the pot stash and I put in way far away from questing little hands.

And I get Giselle in the kitchenette with me as I start some late lunch for us. I give her a carrot and a vegetable peeler and show her how to use it. She’s really horrible at it given her age and it takes her forever to do it by pinning the carrot to the table and peeling it that way.

But I’m rewarded with their squealing laugh and he shouting “Dun!” and proudly holding up a carrot that’s eighty percent peeled and curved in on one side from her continuing to peel that one spot where she got fixated on for awhile.

Like any proud Mum it goes in the stew. I don’t sit her in front of the TV while I’m doing something. I keep her with me and give her something she can do. I talk to her; mostly it’s about making the stew but still.

I’m making beef stew with lots of garlic and a kiss of ginger in it for Iggy and I sneak other things in it too. You want to get your kids involved? Get them to press buttons while you handle the blade work. So some celery, onions and green peppers, and a sweet potato head into my food processor just because my daughter can hit the buttons, make noise do something and see things.

Mum’s the best toy ever.

I get everything cooking and simmering away turned down low and I take her in and sit on the floor with her and Ingrid watching us in a half doze as I get Giselle to introduce me to her toys.

She has this slightly stoned, slightly sad smile on her face. It’s the sad, deep hurt broken sad smile there that hurts my heart worse than when she was angry with me.

Now I know…what she did wasn’t right but just how messed up she was when she did this? Not even sixteen…just a few years from the bulk of her abuse…and I know she never got any help, not professional help.

Its a few hours later and everything’s nearly done and Taylor and Dad and Angie come in with Hunter and dessert, some of our bread rolls from downstairs and Taylor has double armloads of bags of kid’s things and so does Dad. Angie’s carrying the food the rolls and a cake that looks homemade and not one of mine.

I’m not sure at the very quiet on edge way Ingrid has going on as we set up for supper means but she’s not being bitchy or rude just quiet and hurt.

Lonely…and hurt maybe.

Okay…next…next is her ex and finding out whether she bolted like some of them did with Taylor or she shoved them away.

Images 45

Chapter 45

Officer Jane Clancy…

It’s part of the job. And it is one of the reasons that I did join the force. Catching and putting away child molesters. Pedophiles make my skin crawl and they also trigger part of my PTSD.

Yes, I, like a whole list of women at some point in our live, was sexually abused. For me it was an “Uncle” really just a friend of the family but a close one and we never thought that he’d do something like that but he did.

And it took me years to get over what he had done.

But it also showed me a lot of things that a lot of people were going through. I was a wild kid in my teens well my early teens partying and trying to kill the pain and it was some of the stuff I seen partying with the places I’d been at that started to get to me.

I think I was fifteen when I first got an inkling that I wanted to make a difference. And I hand really even thought about it until one of the older girls I knew from parties had graduated and came back from her first year in the law enforcement program she was in.

She was so together and she ended up becoming a really good friend who helped me get my stuff together before I was into the whole major parts of high school when your marks really matter.

I told people what had happened, got justice, got therapy and I turned out alright.

But dammit this Ingrid girl had been really, really bent over by life.

Jenna’s ex?

They have a kid together, that’s…I don’t know. I’m glad for Jenna and everything and she’ll likely be a great mother but at the same time. She has a really rough crowd aside from the police that hang around her diner.

She’s also the first transgendered person that I know or openly know and honestly she’s not the slightest bit different as a woman than I am. Okay maybe actually a bit more with it than I was at the same age.

But my past and just the kind of people that Jenna and Taylor are; sort of makes this not personal but personal and actually kind of important. It’s one of those cases that’s not a breach of interest but it effects people you know and that you like.

And that girl’s got cancer.

I’d like to get her some peace at least.

Marty’s talking things over with the Lt. about this and usually this is the kind of thing that gets sometimes handed off to the sex crimes division or to detectives but the thing is that we took the interview, we have the rapport with Ingrid and the others don’t and it’s actually not our policy to break the chain of contact.

You’d be surprised ay how many people don’t testify because they feel cast off in the first place because they were handed off from the officers that took their interview in the first place.

But like Marty had told me, it never hurts to extend the olive branch and work with the other divisions on this.

Me I’m drinking half day old coffee just because it’s hot and it’s habit as I type in the name and address if the perp.

Not Ingrid’s father, he lost that title as far as I’m concerned when he did that to her.

I’ve seen too goddamned much of this shit really and this isn’t what I generally do as a police officer. I’m just a cop, I do patrol and go on calls mostly and stuff like that but still the stuff I’ve seen….

I get into the sex offenders database and the one we use as police is different than the ones that are accessible to the public. There are some cases where a sexual offender is released where we can’t say that one has been released into an area. Now not all are rapists or sexual abusers some are people that did statutory and hooked up with the wrong age and yes some of them are lied to.

Some…about twenty percent of those cases are like that so if you think they’re young or seem young check their ID. Trust me pissing her off is better than pissing her parents off. But yeah most Stach cases are from guys that just don’t care.

The system also puts in Pimps and Johns too, not the hookers though because many of the girls on the street are victims more than they’re perps at least in sex crimes. So as the map around Ingrid’s parents place lights up with offered red dots and I call up the filed complaints which show up in yellow.

There’s damned well too many of each and we’re going to have to shake each one of the perps down and interview them and then try and talk to those that had filed sexual crime complaints too.

That’s about the hard evidence, but first glance and easy enough to take to the PA is the fact that we have a map cluster.

Save the screen shot and print.

And I go back year by year until we hit the year that she had said the abuse had started and cross things again and again and again each time printing things out but also each time getting a cluster in that neighborhood.

It’s not hard evidence but it’s enough for us to go ahead with a probable cause for the investigation.

I print those all off and then start going through the dates and the charges and the complaints listed taking notes of who and what for each time and the ones with complaints that have moved away I’m looking up. Marty is going through the missing persons files too in the area and checking with missing and exploited children too.

It’s a big long list and lots of checking for both of us to just get the research done. There’s little point in running down these people if they’re not there.

Add in the case files that we’re going to need to pull…it’s going to take time and a lot of hours to do this.

But Ingrid and he story keeps coming to mind for me and if there’s her there’s others…there shouldn’t be even her but…

When there’s one there’s always others.

*Jenna………………………………………it was a good night and a really bad night. Supper was great and we all sort of ate together and Giselle was so enthralled by her toys and the attention she lasted all the way to seven thirty before she did the dead tired puppy or kitten thing and she just was going and going and then she was watching this Tinkerbelle DVD and there was a big yawn and then she was out sleeping in the big fluffy chair head tilted to one side and drooling or starting too.

I get Ingrid to help me get her bathed and washed and ready for bed and she was so cute and sleepy enough that she sort of slept mostly through the process. Iggy and I actually shared a few shared quiet smiles about our daughter together.

She was still being pretty quiet and she was still looking pretty down too.

I can’t really put myself there…her shoes are a lot different than mine. But just hearing her story and starting to see the effects that the long tern abuse in her. I can’t be me and not forgive her not really…and if I’m really being honest.

She was passing her abuse onto me maybe when she did what she did because she was so screwed up.

And maybe there’s a part of me that is feeling guilty even with all of the stuff that I had been going through at the time…that maybe I should have seen the signs there of what was going on with her and everything.

We really don’t stay up that late any of us with everything having happened and the long day it had been. Iggy helps me put Giselle to bed and I can tell that she does love our daughter but she so twisted up inside that everything that comes out of her is twisted up too?

It was all good until close to one in the morning when I hear Ingrid crying in her sleep and she was asleep still when I went to check on her and she was curled up like she was trying to shield herself…and crying as she was whining. “Daddy…please Daddy no….no…”

It sent my heart achingly into my throat.

I walked over and sat on the couch and rubbed her back and she woke up and nearly screamed…I watched her eyes widen in that fear there that she wasn’t in my living room and I wasn’t me for a second and she sort of gains focus a few seconds later and her eyes fill up and she starts to cry and rolls over away from me and buries her face into the back of the couch.

“Go away…”

“No.”

“Go away…”

“No….”

“Jenna just go away…just fucking leave me alone and go back to your perfect little fucking life!”

“My life’s not perfect.”

“No, of fucking course not because I’m in it!”

“I never said that.”

“You don’t fucking have too! It’s written all over you and all of them!”

“Iggy…”

“No! no…why is it you? Why do you get to be the good one? The reasonable one and the one that everyone loves!? Why am I that damaged piece of garbage!?”

I turn her around to look at me even if she fights me on it and she sits up and slaps me.

I slap her back.

She slaps me again. Several times actually just having a freak and venting her temper on me.

I’m not taking it from her either so I slap her back a few times. I’ll not punch her or stuff like that but hell no am I just going to take it.

Taylor walks past us carrying Giselle who’s sort of sleepy and sort of awake and he gives us this look and he tosses something at us and walks downstairs.

I caught it and look at it and….?

“Baby Oil?”

I’m looking at it and I’m just not getting it until Iggy gets this look on her face and she starts to giggle and titter.

Oh now I get it…

Images 46

Chapter 46

Okay I’m actually pretty embarrassed because of Tay tossing us the bottle of baby oil to me and Iggy like we’re two cheap hookers getting ready to oil wrestle. Iggy’s laughing which is a good thing and I set the bottle of baby oil down and stare at her.

“Are you done?”

“Fuck you he’s funny.”

“I know he’s funny along with a lot of other great things, that’s why I married him.”

She wipes at her eyes and she looks at me. “I need a smoke.”

“I need a coffee.”

“I’ll have a tea since you’re heating water.”

I sigh and she’s taking out the baggy of pot from place where we put it far from the reach of small questioning fingers and starts rolling a joint. “Roof?” she asks. I nod “Yes please.”

I make myself a coffee, instant’s fine by me most of the time. Actually I like Encore now that they’ve brought it back and I add a little bit of sugar to mine and some vanilla cream to it. I don’t buy the prefab stuff…that’s like veg-oil liquid Cool-Whip stuff and honestly you might as well mainline liquid plastic into your body.

Mine is better, tastes better and is simpler. I buy a bid creamer and I put some of my homemade vanilla into it.

I make Iggy a large mug of tea a nice herbal blend that’s got dried pear in it and ginger so that it’ll help her stomach issues. I grab my coat and pass it to her and a toque.

“I’m not wearing that.”

“Yes you are its cold out and you need your head covered up.”

“Fine give me the Oiler’s one.”

“Fine…” I roll my eyes. I get her the Oiler’s toque and I slip into Tay’s jacket and put on the one I gave her that’s for Raising the roof and we head up the stairs to the roof.

It’s cold up here now and getting close to snowing soon November’s cold but we’re almost into December now and in Alberta that means snow anytime now.

Iggy Lights her joint and takes her tea which has a lot of steam coming off of it already and I look at her.

“What?” She asks.

“Are we done?”

“Done what?”

“The bullshit Ingrid. I’m going to be here for you I told you that you’re the mother of our daughter but I’m not going to take you trying to push things.”

“What do you mean push things; you have any idea what I’m going through?”

“No, but my life’s never been a bed of roses either and it’s still not. I’m really trying here and you trying to prove to yourself that you’re a monster or a bad person to somehow make some part of what that asshole did to you has to stop.”

“Like you know.”

“I’m effing transgendered Iggy; you think that any one like me wants to be born this way? Be this different and ostracized and looked at like a freak? No…and there’s been a whole lot of times that I’ve been curled into a little ball asking God why?”

“And he said?”

I roll my eyes again. “What I get out of my relationship with God is between me and God.”

“So if I don’t believe in a god that let’s all this shit happen?”

I shrug. “Taylor doesn’t either, and I don’t push it.”

“So…what you’re not going to try and convert me or preach to me or pray for me?”

“I already have.”

“And look what good’s that’s done.”

I shrug again. “You’re here, Giselle’s here things have been worse.”

She takes a few hits off her joint. “You’ve gotten really weird Jenna.”

“It’s a weird world Iggy adapt to survive and all that stuff.”

She chuckles and shakes her head. “So I’m just supposed to not be hurt and not be angry and not hate all of this?”

“No, you can…honestly I can’t stop you but can I ask you something?’

“Yeah sure…” She exhales a large cloud of pot smoke on me. I give her the finger for doing it.

“When are you going to stop letting him abuse you over and over?”

“What?”

“It’s like someone that’s hurt you in a different way, you dwell on it and you’re letting them live in your head rent free. Well you’re dwelling on this, on what happened and you’ve been doing it ever since…even after you got free of him and out of there.”

“Well what the hell am I supposed to do just live with it?”

“No, fight back.”

“Fight back?”

“Yes, look if someone tried to do that with you now or something else you’d fight right?”

“Damn right, no more Jenna.”

“Then fight now, don’t let him keep abusing you.”

“How?”

“Therapy, talk to someone, get in a group. All of that, everything you can do to get him out of your head. Just like you’re going to fight off him trying to do that to you now because that’s exactly what you’re still doing.”

I cross my arms and I sip at my coffee while she finishes her joint and she’s sipping her tea looking thoughtful. Upset a bit but thoughtful. “You really think that?”

“Which part I spouted off a lot of stuff there?” I actually blush a bit too. To me…I’m not this take charge authorative type of girl. I don’t do the whole speech thing.

“The part about getting help is fighting back.”

I go over and set my coffee down and I hug her. “Yes, it’s just like that. Without getting help you’re not really fighting him back you’re at best just fending it off…duck and cover only can work for so long Iggy you need to start swinging back.”

“I don’t know how, Jenna I don’t know how or what to do.”

“Will you be willing to talk to someone?”

“It hurts.”

“It will, it killed a part of you…open soul surgery is painful.”

She sniffles and laughs… “I like that open soul surgery huh?”

“Yeah…it is what it is.”

“Okay…okay I know I’m going to hate it and I’ll likely be a complete bitch during it but okay…okay yeah I’ll see someone.”

“Good, I’ll ask when we can start.”

“You’ve…?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve had my doc looking into someone that specializes in what you’ve been through. I was just waiting on you.”

“You talked me right into this huh?”

“Well I did take advantage of you being gay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’m a girl and you like girls and you’re just as vulnerable to women logic as any guy is.”

She looks up over her shoulder at me and she blinks a few times before she starts to chuckle a bit. “Okay, okay that’s actually true…I’m a girl and honestly I still don’t understand women most of the time.”

I lead her back downstairs because it’s getting windy up here and I don’t want her to get a cold. “Well, that’s because you’re making the same mistake as everyone else makes.”

She comes with me but hangs onto my hand sort of like we used to when we were really friends before everything happened. “Oh and what’s that?”

“You don’t figure a woman out, you don’t understand a woman. You experience a woman.”

“Huh?”

I smile and head inside with her and take off my stuff then rub my arms. I look at the clock and it’s still really early yet even more than usual when we get up for work and stuff.

I head into our kitchenette for upstairs and grab a frying pan and some steel cut oats and some walnut halves and I get the walnuts halves on and start to toast them and add just a pad of butter and just before they actually fry the walnuts a little bit of brown sugar and I toss them together then out on a dish. I wipe out the pan and then toast the oats lightly in the dry pan just enough to get the flavors going.

Ingrid’s watching me shaking her head but she filches a walnut and sucks the brown sugar glaze off of it. “So…?”

I look at her. “Hmm…?”

“So….women are to be experienced?”

“Yes, we don’t work with being “Understood” or “figured out” we just don’t work like that but what does work is being talked to, made love to, listened to, cherished, treasured and even remembered but we’re never going to fit in a spot where someone even ourselves can figure us out.”

She’s staring at me again. “You…you’ve changed so much you know that?”

“I know, I had to.”

“I don’t even really know you anymore do I Jenna?”

“No, but you’re not alone there. I’m just getting to really being myself whoever that is after everything that’s happened.”

“I wouldn’t mind a chance to do that.”

I look at her and she’s looking at me. “We are, but you still have a lot of work to do you know.”

“Okay…” she’s looking at me, staring sort of like she’s seeing something different or maybe she’s just seeing ME now instead of the person she used to know but it’s a nice look instead of the scowls and stuff that’s usually there.

“Think you could eat now?” I ask her.

“Mmm, yeah it actually smells good what is that anyway?”

I’m boiling the water. “Oatmeal, I just make my own.”

“Toasted oatmeal?” She’s looking around and getting down some bowls.

“That’s toasted oatmeal with butter-brown sugar walnut and maple.”

“Maple?’

I cook the oatmeal and in the mixing I do add a table spoon of flax seeds but when the oatmeal is just about done I toss in the nuts and then go and get it ready to spoon out into the bowls but I grab the bottle of maple syrup I have and just about a teaspoon in the bottom of each bowl before I spoon the hot porridge over it and then another on top to end it.

I really do this pretty good actually and you can smell everything coming up with the steam.

“Wow…that’s some fancy oatmeal, it smells great.”

“It’s not that fancy it’s just close to that store bought stuff only home-made.” I get a bit of cream on mine just a little splash and she does the same.

“I’m not complaining…Mmm…shit this is really good.”

“Thanks, it’s actually sort of an idea from my Nan.”

“Oh? Oh yeah you got a whole bunch of family now right.” Okay she’s a little stoned and it’s kind of funny and she’s a little easier to take like this actually.

“Yeah, she like’s this ice cream called Maple-Walnut so I thought one morning to try it.”

“Mmm’s…s’good.” I laugh a little with her talking around a tablespoon full of it. Which is good too…I actually thought this up with Tay too as well as the Gram’s thing (yes I call her both.) You have the oats that are good and the protein from the nuts and the omega 3’s from the nuts and the flax seeds and the added carbohydrates from the brown sugar and syrup it’s actually a pretty decent breakfast for anyone.

While she’s eating I get the laptop out and I get her a glass of skim and some vitamins and set them in front of her. She looks up at me and she rolls her eyes and takes them and shoves a spoonful of porridge to chase them before taking a drink of the milk.

“Thank you.” I smile and tell her.

I type in a bunch of stuff and sit with her at our little table and start watching.

“What’s this?”

“It’s my little cousin out east in Ontario, Angel and her band Starlight Butterfly.”

Images 47

Chapter 47

It was a really good way to start my day if early getting to meet and finally talk to Angel my cousin from Ontario. She’s a good kid in a bad spot and adding in that matches and gasoline moment of figuring out you’re not the you that you thought you were.

It was a joy to just talk and meet her and chew the fat with her and everything as we cooked and to have Giselle there with me as I was doing up the cinnamon rolls and teaching Angel really sort of made my morning all the more bright.

Even Iggy wasn’t a total “B” this morning and it might have been because she was stoned but my cinnamon rolls seem to stay down with her too. If they seem to help with other cancer patients I’ll have to bring some into the clinic at the hospital when I take Iggy in for those other opinions.

Yeah speaking of which I keep that in my mind as I go from baking in the back kitchen to waiting tables and helping behind the counter as Taylor does his short order magic.

I love it here, I love the fact that it’s a diner even though it could’ve been made into something else I mean it has the floor space but we’re down by the railyards and here out west they’re still a pretty good place job wise and everything plus all the spin offs too. I have always loved diners and from the clientele so do a lot of people.

And we do a little bit of everything including this morning’s special of our toasty graham pancakes or the corn beef hash.

I like the pancakes which are actually something Tim made the other day. You just take honey graham wafers and buzz them up and you spread them out in a pancake shaped on the flat top and then you pour the batter on them. And just before you flip them you dust the top of them and you get this crunchy on the outside fluffy on the inside pancake thing.

A little cream cheese instead of butter on them and syrup to cut the tart of the cheese and they’re really good.

And yes now on the specials menu.

Ingrid’s back up stairs with Giselle more mellowed out when I slipped up to check on them and their both watch TV together. I’m not sure about the idea of her getting too much TV…honestly I have no idea what’s bad or good but it’s Sesame Park so I’m giving it a pass as far as TV goes. I don’t mind TV to just do the brain off and be entertained thing but too much and you get the people I don’t like that are all a verbal bag of TV quotes and culture.

I’ll never have anything against a geek and them quoting science fiction and stuff but you have some yuppie or preppy idiot going around talking like they’re quoting “Big Brother…or Survivor or American Idol…” Just ick.

Okay maybe I might have some biases about television. I’m actually not that worried though on what Ingrid will let her watch since Ingrid was one of those read a lot activist supporting artsy gothy girls.

“Hey, I’m going to be working awhile so if you’re going to crash or blaze up call me on your phone okay and I’ll come and get Giselle.”

She blinks and she looks at me. “Yeah okay.”

“Okay? Are you feeling all right?”

“No, I feel like a loser.”

“You’re not a loser.”

“Oh? Okay you take away the fact I’m dying and the fact I was molested and just look at me and then look at you or your cousin Angel I’m a loser.”

“Well first of all No.”

“No?”

“No…those are parts of who you are Iggy, you just can’t divorce yourself from the horrible stuff that happens in your life and then say stuff like that. It’s a lie if you do.”

“And you…and all the damned fortune cookie talk you do….I don’t even care if it’s right it’s you saying it and that just pisses me off.”

Okay she’s going to be like this and in a mood so I go over and I pick Giselle up. Iggy’s glaring at me as much as she can. “What you’re taking her now?”

“You’re in a mood and honestly that’ll rub off on her like your language.”

She gives me the finger.

I ignore it.

“I’m nowhere near as perfect or as well off as you think I am Ingrid I’m just not letting it rule my life. I can’t afford to let the stuff that’s happened ruin my life.”

“See there you go again.”

“Yes there I go again. Get some sleep you’re cranky. I’ll check in on you later.”

“Yeah whatever.”

I leave and stop at the doorway. “Hey…I might be going there again Iggy but I’m not going alone. I’ll drag you with me kicking and screaming if I have to.”

“Why…? I mean why bother after all the sh… after all the stuff I did and what you’ve been through?”

“Ingrid?”

“Yeah?”

“When did I ever say that I stopped being your friend?”

Yup shocked look accomplished and I leave her with that to stew on and I take Giselle downstairs and while the girls are doing the mid morning stuff I settle into the office and I get on the computer and start looking up the stuff I need to go and study and get my GED. There’s a few good options and I’m looking at them all especially the ones set up for night classes to take like in a sort of tutored situation and the prices and the where they’re at.

I find a good one that’s pretty close being held up in the conference room of the YWCA and before I can start to second guess myself or get all nerved up about it I sign on to start in the next cycle and I use the diner’s credit card to pre-pay my fees for the classes.

I can either pay it off later or I can claim it as a business thing maybe if there’s like a tax incentive or something for sponsoring an employee to get further education.

I switch gears to mommy mode and I head downstairs to start the baking for lunch and supper which is mostly pies and bread and rolls.

Beaters and bowls of pudding and custards and fillings and fruits and sugars are great things for a little kid to play with and she’s having great fun playing “Tink” spreading sugar like pixie dust over tha apple slices and so on.

It’s going to taste better than ever really, there the laughter of a happy child in there this time.

I so want these kinds of memories for her.

I smile and blush a few times when I’m sort of getting to be a bit more of the whole mommy and little girl myself and Tay’s watching me.

I can’t help but get a little melty inside just the way he’s smiling and he’s looking at me. Love’s real when your lover, your husband, wife or just your S.O. can look at you and make you feel loved and wanted.

Wanted is huge, wanted is right up there with being worth it in your own head. Or it is with mine.

Right there’s something that helps me so much really and I don’t want to take it for granted either. Life is hard enough just living it. It get’s rougher when you’re transgendered…not saying that other don’t have it really bad either but hey it’s my experiences.

To just have someone with you and who stays with you even when things get weird or shitty and when they get hard and they see you at far from your best.

And they still care for you and still love you and haven’t run off screaming.

There’s this bit I can hang onto that says. Someone other than my own voices wants me.

And of course he has to make me all happy and teary by coming over and hugging me and does this little rocking me just because mini dance thing and kisses me.

It’s long a slow and gentle and sweet and I love every second of us and I love that Giselle is seeing this because I want her to see what love is.

God he smells good.

Guy smell…man scent with a bit of sweat but he’s still sort of freshly showered and shaved so there’s the hints of those on him but he also smells like work so there the smells of coffee and the grill on him like the hints of meat scent and onion in his clothes. It’s just all him and it’s the smell of home.

He just holds me like that awhile and Giselle is clapping and playing away in the high chair all happy and smiling at us like it’s a big funny secret she’s seeing us like this. It feels good to steal some of these happy moments for us like this.

Taylor nibbles at my neck and we dance some right there and he’s humming *Kiss from a rose.* while we’re dancing and he gives me a long kiss before we have to start to get the baked stuff out and rotated and I let him take Giselle with him out front to play at the cash with “Daddy” while I do some more baking mostly the breads and rolls since they’ve proofed but I play around too.

Tarts…I make a butter shortbread crust for them and I make sure that the tins are cold from being in the freezer first and I make a filling. I think for a bit before I come up with custard. I go with the standard recipe first but before I temper the eggs I steep and bunch of Earle Grey tea and add it really strong into the milk before I temper it with the eggs. That has such a great flavor that most people never thing of it as anything but being just for tea. I finish the flavor off with just a bit of lemon zest that’ll give it some of that taste and aroma with out the lemon juice reacting with the egg or the milk. I bake them off carefully in a waterbath until the custard is mostly done and I take them out just long enough to sprinkle some raw sugar on top and put them back in without the waterbath so the crusts get to cook and harden more.

They turn out pretty good and their English enough I do another one that’s raisins that I’m cooking and soaking in a can or three of Guinness on the stove top and I add to that some pitted dates to thicken it and I cook it down really gently so not to have too much of a mush and I fold it and a basic mix of eggs and heavy cream together to make it set up like a custard filling but be all buttery and all almost sweet creamy beer like and I top those off just before their done baking with some brown sugar and crushed walnuts and a good bit of very coarse cracked black pepper.

I did good here…one of these as a desert after a steak and a baked potato. I either want a beer to go with this which could be good but also because it’s very close to a butter tart a nice cup of black coffee would be heavenly too.

Tay came in smelling them and as soon ad the Guinness cream tarts are cool enough he’s not going top scald him he has one. He’s chewing and giving me a thumbs up before kissing me. “These…these are awesome Jenn.”

He kisses me again. “Thanks, we should use these as a special desert or something like Victoria Day or something.”

“No way these are way too good honey…after a steak or chile or roast beef dinner these will be perfect.”

“Okay…okay I just wanted to leave room for everything else we do.”

“Honestly if we have to Jenna we’ll hire a culinary student to do part time here for the baking alone. We’re going to have to adjust things anyway with Iggy being here and the baby.”

“Okay I just didn’t want to like get to where things are moving too fast for you with all of my past coming in…and well moving in with us.”

“Uhm…You do remember that you’ve been like the only one that’s actually had the guts to not run off screaming from me and my shit right Jen?”

“Okay…okay…” I smile and we Eskimo kiss a little before actually kissing and it just sort of happened…I mumble between kisses. “Where’s Giselle?”

He says around a desperate kiss. “Holly…”

And then we’re through the back doors and into the storeroom stripping off each others clothes and making very intense love…okay we were doing the F-wordy version of it but there was lots of love there too.

It’s been a few days since we’ve been really intimate with each other and while sex isn’t everything it’s still something I really, really missed in my life lately.

Seriously four days has felt like two weeks.

For Taylor too because he hand condoms in his jeans pocket and a small tube of KY. It’s a good thing since we’ve done this before here we keep an old sleeping bag around…I think he unzipped it faster than I was unzipping him.

Welcome I guess to the joys of parenthood I guess.

I’ll spare the really heavy details but I’m heading upstairs to get cleaned up very happy and glowy if wobbly legged and Taylor flips me over his shoulder and carries me the rest of the way up with me squealing and laughing into the bathroom.

We woke Iggy up and she give us both a sleepy look that has a very ow sort of think going on and I’m sorry that we might seem to be flaunting us in front of her but we really haven’t and we have lives too.

I’ll talk to her after.

After I get cleaned up…after shower sex.

After Taylor washes my hair….I know but it’s like our song, it’s just one of those things that’s us and honestly he’s really damned good at it from the actual hair stuff to the scalp massage it’s just so…orgasms…topped off by a hairgasm.

I so love my guy.

He’s out first after that and downstairs in time for lunch and I get dried off and changed and come out and look at Iggy who’s rolled over back to me on the couch faking sleep.

Okay…that’s not a bear I’m going to be poking right now. I’m in too good a mood to get into a fight with her and I head down to meet the rush too.

Half of the beer tarts are gone and he wrote in flour on the baking table more please.

Okay…more it is then I’ll talk to Iggy and get all the stuff I need for the doctors.

Images 48

Chapter 48

I’m getting some of the tarts out of the oven and out as fast as I can. I can’t keep the Beer tarts ahead at all with all the working guys in right now. I’m actually getting orders for pick up for suppertime tonight.

There’s a lot of working class guys down here and apparently he concept of the beer tart is something they like and the guys with wives and girlfriends are ordering some of the other stuff on the menu.

I head outside for a breather looking around until I can see some of the street kids that we sometimes have hanging around here. We actually have a few more than we used to ever since we’ve been seen as LGBTQ friendly and Taylor’s given them odd jobs and let the use our laundry room and stuff.

I wave one of the girls over. “Gypsy how goes it?”

She sort of shrugs. “Not bad, why, was sup?”

“I need some hands.”

“For what?”

“I got a lot of orders I wasn’t expecting going out and not enough staff. You interested?”

“What are you paying?”

“I’ll talk to Tay about the cash but food yeah, all you guys can eat plus some take away and showers and using the laundry room.”

“Shit, deal how many do you need?”

I think a minute. “Five but you can invite some friends over to use the shower in the staff room and do laundry.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I’m in a bind and you guys are all alright.”

“Oh sure with all our damaged asses.” She’s giving me this skeptical look.

“Hey, I’m just like you guys only I got very, very lucky and I’m not enough of a butt not to try and pay it forward.”

She bites her lip. “Yeah I heard…you like a couple of years older than me.”

“I’ll be eighteen in a few months.”

“Y’know you seem older.”

“Name me one of us that doesn’t.”

“One of us….?”

“I used to work over at Dazzles.”

“No shit the tranny bar?”

“Yeah but just the tables…I couldn’t handle doing anything else, not with my damage.”

Gypsy nods. “Okay give me an hour?”

“Sure it’ll take me that long to get prepped.”

She leaves stopping to talk to her friends. It’s Edmonton we’ve no shortage of street kids here like any other city and there a good number of them runaways from bad situations like mine.

I head in and talk to Taylor about hiring the five and stuff and he agrees and with the orders we’ll be doing I need the help and we can do extra for later sales and still come out ahead after paying them.

“We can do twelve an hour for them and be okay.”

I kiss him. “Thank you I do need the help and they need the work.”

“They need the work and they need the experience, if I can get them to where I can give them a good reference then maybe they can get jobs in a few places.”

I smile at him and slip my arms around him. “I applied for my GED and some night classes.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I want more than what I’ve got now. I want my GED and then go for my culinary course.”

“You don’t need that to cook.”

“No but I want it and I want our daughter to know that her mom does give up, that if things get bad you get back up and you keep trying.”

“Now if we can get Ingrid to listen to that.” He semi frowned.

“We will…sometimes getting back up takes time Tay, life can flatten you pretty good.”

“Yeah I know…I’m just…I’m not you hon…”

“You seem okay with her?” I rub his back.

“I’ve been there… but for the abuse and that or not she doesn’t have the right to …she didn’t have the right to have done all the stuff she’s done.” He hugs me a little tighter and I lean on him and soak in his body heat and the way he feels and smells.

I look up at him. “Taylor, she was broken by that, human beings don’t come with instruction manuals…she had no idea how to put herself back together.”

“Yeah…you know you’re an awesome person right Jen?”

“I’m just a person honey, I just try to do the right thing like I’m supposed to.”

“God stuff?”

“People stuff honey but yeah God too.”

“Uh…huh.” He’s got his agnostic face on. The whole not sure and even if he was sure he still might not like it face.

I actually like that about him. I like the fact that Tay does have a sort of relationship with God if even the angry one. Kids are supposed to be angry at the grown ups some times.

I kiss him. “I love you.”

“Uh-huh…I love you too.” He kisses me but he’s still kind of scowly in a cute way. I head to the back kitchen and start getting things set out for doing this in a mass production way but not just for the tarts but cinnamon rolls, and bread…if I’m doing tart shells we might as well be doing pies and I’m thinking turnovers too.

I have leftovers we can use too to fill some of the turn overs for them to take home with them and I get two big pots started. One will be stew, we have enough veggies to make a stew and enough meat scraps and bones and leftovers too for that and it’s beef and pork but it’ll work and I toss them in the oven at full blast to brown.

The other pot I’m doing the same with left over veggies, some fresh ones, and lots of garlic and potatoes and herbs and white beans. I raid our meager stash of veggie bacon and sausage and bake it off until crispy and I try and make a vegan version of casole. There’s a lot of kids that are vegetarians or vegans these days and I’ve both options for them ready or cooking by the time Gypsy shows with the others and some friends.

Oh…I see the looks on their faces at the smells and there…Not for the grace of god goes I…I’ve been there and if it wasn’t for the charity of a few decent people I’d have starved or worse.

Yeah…when you’re hungry and poor that gets in your head too…which never helps when you’re trying to survive.

“Okay guys showers are there, laundry room’s there…feel free to use the detergent and stuff we buy enough for the staff stuff so not a big deal. I get the kids working with me Mavericks shirts and to get rid of bracelets and rings and stuff.

Tay hires two to dish wash and bus tables. “Pay’s twelve an hour plus food and laundry.”

That’s seven out of like twelve…I wish we could do more but… “Hey guys I’m going to open the office so you guys can charge phones, batteries, and you can use our wireless and our printer or photo copier to do stuff okay?”

I go to log off our computer and see an e-mail response from Hanna Remington….Iggy’s ex.

[I’m sorry to hear that she’s that sick but Ingrid’s exactly where she wants to be Jenna, I’m not you and I’m not even going to try to compete with you anymore. Don’t contact me again please.]

My reply. [No, that’s not good enough, you don’t know the full reach of her situation and I think you owe me a face to face meeting to explain the comments you just made about her and I. Plus you walked out on not just her but Giselle too.]

She responds on her mobile. [Fine, but you won’t like it.] she gives me an address.

[I’ve very busy could you come to me?]

[No, that’s your place, this is mine. You don’t want to talk to me don’t come. And leave the kid home.]

[Fine, tomorrow?]

[Fine.]

She’s gone and I’m frowning.

“Maybe she’s actually better off.”

I power the computer down and get back to the kids and making the orders and stuff. I really didn’t like the way her tone was. Really combative and I don’t like the way she referred to Giselle as “The Kid.”

Knowing what I know about Ingrid now…who would she end up with…given the way she see’s each other.

Sigh…shit…

Okay…one battle at a time and right now I’ve got the kids and the orders to fill and them too…they’re not leaving here hungry.

I start showing them what I need and we’re going for a sort of assembly like thing and I end up with Taylor bringing Gisele back from out front with me as he’s starting to get things started in the front kitchen for suppertime.

She’s adorable in this sundress she got into some time and Tay’s tied a bandana around her hair. My two year old sun child mini-biker. I take her into my arms and lug her around as I supervise and let her play with some dough or Tinkerbell some crumble or even stir some of the chili or casole.

I lose the ladle twice but I don’t care.

I’m happy and so is she.

I’m going to take the win while I’ve got it.

Images 49

Chapter 49

There’s some times when you’re just so clearly blessed it takes nothing to see it. I’m kind of having one of those moments here as the day just goes by. We’re busy like we usually are but with a run on the tarts and the sales of the cinnamon rolls and I can’t help but do a bunch of bread batches too for the diner, some for sale, some for the kids here and some for our own house.

But it’s talking and telling stories, letter the kids eat their fill from the two pots and the smells of baking and clean clothes. Full bellies and full hearts no pressure, no drama, no bullshit…and safety.

Not to get all too religious sounding but I get the gift back…opening up and feeding people and just being there to give them this chance fills something.

And Giselle is seeing this stuff too and I swear she’s shining all afternoon even when she’s down for her nap. Trent, one of the street boys made her this little nest in the pile of fifty pound bags of flour and a basket full of fresh laundry.

She’s so cute in a Team Canada hockey hoody miles too big but like a wearable blanket.

All the kids are very cool with her.

She deserves to see this stuff too, I want her to get hearts more important that things. People are treasures more than possessions.

And I’m learning things too in the kitchen from these kids as much as I’m teaching too. These kids have some neat tricks and thing that are definitely becoming part of things here I think.

Fries pie…I kid you not. Home cut fries and potato skins done all brown and crispy with chopped green onions and roasted garlic tossed together then you add cream of mushroom soup and you can bake it.

Vegetarian with some cheese, Vegan with jalapeno dice and some fried TVP and Quebec styled with sausage in white gravy and sage, and Alberta styled with added peas and carrots and lots of fried hamburger and puff pastry crust.

I can see so many ways to do this and selling them like pizzas.

Quinoa and corn….A great side dish really quinoa with grilled corn (You can take frozen and brown it in a pan or on the flat top.) then add it some oven toasted sweet coconut and pine nuts or almond slices and the kicker to it diced fresh peach.

I can see this as a main really except for the fact this is cattle country. I want some veggie and vegan dishes for the LGBTQ crowd. We get a totally different crowd here after about seven at night really especially since he thing on TV and there’s a lot of demand for these things now and not at the high prices the more frou-frou places charge.

I want a great menu; I want The Maverick to be just that that place where you can go to get something different and homey at the same time.

I think we sold every single beer tart that we made and we made fifteen dozen of them enough that I had to order more beer by the cab and like I said a busy and exhausting day but a good one. I was baking all day and never really saw the front much at all.

We switch out after seven with the night shift crew and Taylor does up the paychecks for each one of the kids a twelve hour shift and twelve and hour plus like I said laundry and all they could eat.

The looks on some of the faces, the look in their eyes when they see the money and while I’m pretty sure that some will blow it some won’t and this is will be more tan just a help but breathing room.

I so know what that is like.

That’s what is the hard part of life on the streets. That desperation from having nothing or right next to nothing and being so close to losing those few things you have managed. It wears on you all the time, tears away at you and especially your self confidence…and your self respect.

You get to a point where you feel like this is you.

A mess, a screw up and things just seem to go wrong….way too often.

You feel dog piled so often.

I’m unable to stop smiling and I’m hugging them goodbye for the night and sending them off with our take out boxes full of leftovers. When I was in my place alone this much would have done me for close to a week.

Seeing them leave so happy has me standing at the loading dock door hugging myself until Taylor comes up behind me and wraps me up tight in his arms.

“You know you amaze me right?” He says into my ear as I lean into him and all that muscle…it’s not just that physical thing but the feelings too. The fact I can feel how much Tay loves me just inn how he holds me and touches me.

“I’m pretty sure I know but I can stand being told some more.”

He leans in closer and kisses my neck and that spot behind my ear and rocks us both a little from side to side.

“You’re… (Kiss.)…Amazing.”

I’m almost purring at that but I’m just basking in the whole feelings there. There’s nothing like the combination of feeling loved and wanted…being a person someone holds dear and being attractive.

I stay like that for awhile and Tay turns me around and kisses me long and slowly and over and over until I want to do that little leg lift and I even just sigh around the kiss as everything seems to just be right.

He breaks our kiss with a smile and takes out his Smart phone and does that thing where you play music on it and he pulls me close and we start dancing right there as *Kiss from a Rose.* By Seal plays for us and it’s as romantic as some things can get.

When we’re done we’re kissing again until Giselle is there in the doorway in Holly’s arms giggling and holding out her arms to use. I go over and take her and Holly’s got this huge grin.

“When I came to bring her to you she saw you to dancing and she put her hand over my mouth and did the cutest shush.”

I blush but I smile… “They get these things that early?”

“Oh yeah, they definitely get what’s important early on Jen.”

I look over at Tay. “Yeah it is important isn’t it?”

“We teach them everything Jenna without even trying. Love’s easy to understand Jen we just mess it up too much when we get older.”

“Yeah…I don’t want her to have my childhood or Ingrid’s Holly.”

“Well you two are definitely setting a good example Jen, just keep it up.”

I settle Giselle on my hip and smile and give holly a kiss on the cheek and a one armed hug. “I totally am going to give this everything I’ve got Hall.”

She heads out with Tim and the kids and I carry Giselle upstairs with Tay in tow and he’s right behind me in this very guy into his girl kind of way.

Well honestly I could feel how into me he wanted to be while we were dancing.

I’m so doing that happy biting my lip thing.

Ingrid’s on the couch and she’s slowly moving as we’re coming in. she still looks iffy and I give her a bit of a smile. “Hey…how are you doing?”

She gives me this look like she’s pissed at me again. “Fine.”

Oh it’s the girl fine as in she’s not fine or something isn’t fine.

I don’t take the bait. “You eat anything today?”

“Soup….Taylor brought some up to me.”

Oh…I was busy and I ignored her.

“Okay, did it stay down?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, can you watch our daughter while we take a shower?”

“We?”

I reach back with my free hand and take Taylor’s. “Yes, me and Tay. It’s our alone time…” I look at her. She’s staring at me still mad at me but she’s going to be…for all kinds of things I imagine but I’m good with that as long as she doesn’t take it out on Giselle.

“Fine.”

Again with the fine.

Okay you know what? I’m not wrecking the mood and stuff. I still hang onto his hand and I swing Giselle over to her and lean down and kiss her on the cheek. “Thanks Iggy we really need this.” I mean it too Taylor and I need our time together and this is likely going to be that time our shower times. I look her in the eyes and she tries to mad stare me but she can’t hold it and she looks away.

“Yeah, yeah whatever just turn the radio up in there okay?’

She pulls Giselle into her lap and hugs her and then reaches for some of the stuff that Dad and Taylor had bought.

“C’mon kiddo you want to color with mom? Jenna has to have her bath time.”

Giselle does her bobble headed nod sort of getting quiet again but reaches for the crayons with that little kid…oh yay crayons thing and she starts to use her whole palm to turn the pages and she even does that trying to turn the pages like older people do by wetting their fingers only Giselle licks her whole palm and uses that to turn the page.

I’m smiling at the whole scene and I pull Tay with me into the bathroom to get cleaned up.

I did turn up the radio and we do make love in the shower.

Okay well maybe it was sex when we first get started…kissing and touching and the whole way his hands make my breasts feel…there is that whole feeling that you have when you pull off your bra and take that and add it to having them felt and touched and held by a man that knows his way around a set of breasts.

He’s slow getting me ready for him but passionate with everything else and it actually didn’t take that long before he was sinking inside of me.

I know some people are all eeew about sex like that but I have Tay, and he’s able to make it good…So good and that’s my preference. Some regular girls like it too but it’s something else beside the sex it’s the erotic connection. Tay inside me, me wrapped around him and that experience.

And there is this sheer thrill that runs through me when he pulls out then we’re face to face and he scoops me into his arms and holds me there with all that wild strength and power…I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck…and up against the wall of the shower and we make love until the water starts to lose it’s heat and we finish off with sweet kisses and loving touches and cleaning up.

I love all of it y’know? Washing each other, getting our backs, contact just life being life but contact. Drying each other off and Tay…god he has this big fluffy towel that he had warming up by sticking my blow dryer under it on warm.

It’s such a sweet thing to get wrapped up like that.

Treated like that.

Even being held close and doing that hugging couples-walk thing from our bathroom into the bedroom and we get dressed. Taylor in boxers and sweats and I slip into panties and my favorite nightshirt and we head out to the living room.

Ingrid’s looking at me, sort of staring at me and I can tell there’s things she want’s to say there but doesn’t. I kiss her on her cheek. “Thanks, we needed that.”

She looks a little mixed up like between angry still and sort of embarrassed and self conscious now too and she nods a little. “No problem….”

It’s a little off, but honestly not that bad when you really think about how messed up the living situation is. We just are sort of hanging together and not really doing much a little TV watching “So you think you can dance.” And I take my turn at coloring with Giselle on the floor before we’re off to bed.

We’re working real jobs with baking and a diner with a breakfast rush so we’re off to bed fairly early and with Ingrid being as drug out and exhausted by everything she’s going through and we take Giselle to bed with us.

It’s a bit of fun and a little erratic as she tosses and turns in her sleep. I get little feet in my back at one point and I think Tay got a smack in the face with a sound asleep little girl hand.

I heard him laughing about it in the middle of the night.

What a guy y’know?

I wake up in the morning and It’s one of those times that I swear I feel….

Taylor’s holding me and him and I are spooning and Giselle’s pressed to me face in my stomach and his arm is over and around the both of us and it’s looking like a nice morning and I’m so swimming in my hormones that I have to bite my lip to keep from doing the happy weepy cry.

I do have to wipe at my eyes a little and even close them awhile and just soak in this really good moment…I can feel me, the woman I am just…I have my love, I have my child, a good home, work, just everything and right now I feel…feel more than post op…I swear I can feel all the parts I should have had been born with.

And it’s not a sad thing that I actually don’t. I take it as a sign, a conformation of faith that no matter what my body is that I am right in my soul.

I open my eyes to get a face full of little girl an inch away from me all morning pretty and cute with these huge eyes.

“Ungwy.”

“Hungry?” She does her bobble headed nod.

“Potty.”

“Okay, Potty then breakfast?”

She nods again and I slip out of bed with her and we slip out trying not to wake Ingrid or Taylor and we go potty together and wash up and I take her into the kitchenette and we start making pancakes.

We just sort of batch it….three coffee mugs of self rising flour, three quarters of one of sugar, two of milk an egg and a table spoon of melted butter and a little bit of vanilla and I switch gears and instead of pancakes I get out the waffle iron.

It’s one of the round ones the has the flip handle and between that and the playing with the whisk and pouring batter she’s having fun.

I top off her fun with a small strainer we have and powdered sugar and let her dust the waffles. There’s, there’s something magical about watching her so filled full of wonder.

So far so good but I’m seeing Hanna today.

I honestly am not looking forward to that.

Images 50

Chapter 50

As much as going to see Hanna is on my mind the morning is a good morning by all of my standards. Nice waffles…I do like a good waffle, pancakes are awesome but I like the nooks and crannies thing.

I make a whole bunch and Taylor does a little scrambled eggs and a bit of bacon we don’t need much but I dig out the juice and the vitamins and take my meds and my vitamins and get Iggy hers and then Giselle’s Flintstone’s ones.

So trying to do the mommy thing.

Tay certainly makes it better with the kisses and nuzzles to my neck and places and him circling his arms around me.

I’m definitely more than blessed.

I learn something too and to me it makes sense too. Pancake syrup didn’t agree with Taylor and apparently it doesn’t with Ingrid either but maple syrup doesn’t seem to be as nasty on their systems.

Makes sense because you get a real finicky stomach on Chemo or being preggers and there is a difference in this stuff.

I should look into our stuff to see what’s organic and what’s GMO related maybe. People are really big into these things. Especially out here in Alberta beef…clean beef is a big thing here.

I get a whiff of things starting downstairs and it’s just such a good idea that we hired the extra help to get a start on the really early morning things here and just to be able to enjoy a breakfast together and even with Ingrid being there it’s not that bad.

She’s still kind of sort of doing the looking at me thing but it’s not as pointed or as nasty as it was last night. Y’know I’m going to leave it alone. I know she’s bound to look at me and to stare since we really haven’t seen each other in nearly two years and I’ve changed a whole lot as I’ve been transitioning.

A poor starvation diet will do that to you over that to you over the course of a few months in near complete poverty and with that came what I’ve read on some of the transitioning sites and pages something call muscle burn.

I wasn’t actually trying to do that and well with the hormones I dropped a lot of muscle too as things changed and now that I’m back to a healthy weight it’s kind of come back in all the right places.

Okay I still don’t like my shoulders and I still have an Adam’s apple…but it’s not that noticeable and there’s some days that I feel it more that others mostly it’s okay. The two little t-monsters are gone and I feel better for that and I’m not too far away actually I think to me actually having my surgery.

All in all…it’s a good day in a not too bad life.

Or so far. I have to meet Hanna the woman whose Ingrid’s ex that broke up with her when Iggy needed someone in her corner. I already don’t have a good impression of the woman.

I kiss Tay. “Can you watch the baby? I’m going to go for a run and then some roof time.”

He kisses me back and both Ingrid and Giselle are watching us smooch with different expressions on their faces and Iggy get’s herself some hot water for some tea.

“Roof time?”

“I hang some wash out up there when I can and I pray sometimes when I’m up there.”

“Pray?” She’s giving me this sort of are you crazy look.

“Yes I pray, I do it my way and it’s one of the things in my life that’s helped me keep it together.”

“But you’re Trans? Isn’t that like…like shooting yourself in the foot?”

“No…I’m not sure I follow that.”

She gives me this ‘You’re thick’ look. “Churches and churchy types have it out for people like us.”

“Actually no, there are some people that see things towards others in a fashion that I’m going to say requires a lot more introspection but there’s several great LGBT friendly churches around.”

“You go to church?”

“Not so much usually we don’t have the time and Taylor and god aren’t on speaking terms.”

“Sounds like he’s got sense.”

“Some but it doesn’t bother me.”

“You’re shitting me it doesn’t bother you?”

“No, faith is a personal thing and how Taylor see’s his relationship of lack there of with god isn’t really my business it’s between him and his faith.”

“Really?” she’s looking at me like she doesn’t believe me and she looks at Taylor. He takes a drink of coffee.

“It’s true; she keeps it to herself unless I take her to church. But I’m pretty much an agnostic-hostile.”

“Agnostic-hostile?” She looks at him.

“I’m not sure what to believe but in any event there’s some truth to it I think he’s an asshole.” He reached over and covered Giselle’s ears before saying that. She pouted and looked up at him knowing even as young as she is she missed something good.

Ingrid smiled but shook her head. “You guys are weird.” Then she’s looking at me as I’m getting into my running stuff. “You’re not going to shove that down Giselle’s throat are you?”

“No, as far as I’m concerned she doesn’t really need to learn about stuff like that until she can ask me about it when she’s curious herself.”

Okay even Taylor’s looking at me.

I get a bottle of water from the fridge. “Okay, most of the time kids get roped into one faith or another just because the family is into it. That’s not choice, it’s not free will and to me it actually lessens the value of that choice. If she chooses a different path than me that’s fine too but it’ll be her decision.”

Iggy looks at me. “There’s a whole lot of people that will definitely not agree with you on that. Any of that.”

I pick up my bible with all the little dg ears and post it’s and things in it. “And that’s why I do my thing in private.” I smile at them and take off. “See you guys in a bit.”

Yes I’m a little out there with my faith but I still have it. And for the record I don’t mind churches either I’m just…like I said there’s some doctrines out there that need some introspection.

I head outside top the loading dock and do a few reps of squats inside from prying eyes and a bunch of crunches too and then go outside and run the loading dock steps three times all to warm up before I head out for a run.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve done a good run and before that it was quite awhile so I’m still seriously out of shape but I want to try and do this at least once a week if I can find the time. I don’t want to look like the old me at all and I’m in my lady Nike shape wear stuff…it’s pretty neat it’s body shaping resistance wear that helps you get the body that you want. Exercises you in a more female way I guess. It could be hooey but I still bought it and it does seem to do something.

I go a long ways actually down two blocks until I get to the tracks and I run down those all the way until it comes out to the road and there’s the railway crossing and then I jog down that until I get to the turn off that leads to our street that the diner’s on and I jog down that waving at the regulars that are headed there on their way to work. Once I get back to the diner I go past it and back down to the tracks and go the other way for about a thousand meters until I’m at the rail yard where they do the grain storage at and I stop and walk it down to cool off and I drink my bottle of water then I head back and that’s the last stretch where I don’t jog but I run and I push it.

It seems like a long run but it’s not it’s about just over six kilometres total all the way around which still seems like a lot but a kilometre isn’t that far even walking. But still after not doing it…and not being in the practice of doing it and the hard run at the end of it I’m drenched in sweat gasping for air and panting and breathing and just to torture myself just a little more I do twenty side to side to touches each way and another twenty cross touching my toes before heading back inside definitely feeling the burn.

Taylor’s downstairs and he meets me with a shake?

“What’s this?”

“Juice and some yogurt, I figured y’know.” He smiles and kisses me. “Good run?”

“Yes wonderful actually it really helped me get into gear this morning.”

I take a drink and it’s good. Orange with some banana and peach with plain yogurt. I give him a fruity creamy kiss. “Where’s the baby?”

“Playing with Grampy.”

“And Ingrid?”

“Actually trying to do some laundry.”

“So upstairs is…”

He leads me upstairs and we make love again in our own bed and okay we might have been a little quick with it compared to usually it’s still amazing and intense and he still holds me just right and squeezes just so and kisses me long and slow and deeply and I’m not holding back or am I being quiet.

We’ve tried and been quiet it seems for too long now and it feels good to cry out in pleasure when I’m feeling it. It feels good to ask Taylor to do that thing he does when he moves like.

It’s nice to hear him being loud too and making all those sounds that guys are supposed to make when they’re with the women they love.

Once or well several times in our bed and then even to finish in the shower.

Okay that once was long and a bit slower and after the run and the work out getting someone to wash you feels amazing. He heads off downstairs to work and I get my tube of Close-up toothpaste and brush my teeth and strip the bed and change it and then just slip on some grey sweat pants for now and his Oilers jersey and I head down and put these into the wash too.

Ingrid’s looking at me.

The she sniffs the air.

I grin and she shakes her head. “You really are a straight girl.”

“Yes, I wasn’t lying to you back then Ingrid I like boys, well one boy that’s enough for me.”

“Yeah….I get it, all happily married and stuff.”

“Actually yeah, it’s kind of nice given everything else that’s happened.”

“So…nothing towards girls at all?”

“Nope, not even a little.”

“But you were such a man-whore?”

“I know right. It’s like this though all that whore part was exactly that sort of disconnect those girls try to have to do that. It’s why I was such an asshole with women because I wasn’t feeling things.”

“Nothing? I know you got off.”

“Oh physically sure but as Jaimes…nothing I was living on auto-pilot my brain was going okay this is how we’re going to do this…and I went from step a to b to c and so forth just doing all the stuff that I was supposed to do.”

She looks at me. “So you were in hiding and not letting anyone know that you were a girl.”

“No…I wasn’t hiding. The thing was I was so inside fundamentally not Jaimes that I had no way of making the connections to really be a person much less a guy. I was faking being human.”

“So when you found out that you were a girl?”

“Completely by accident. I was doing this panty thing with a girl I was seeing and I figured it fit into the whole crazy jock stuff and I’d seen it actually sort of done by Tom Hanks on Dragnet or mentioned that he was wearing his dates panties and I thought what the hell. It was just another camouflage attempt.”

Ingrid slowly gets up and she takes out some whites from the washer to the dryer not pushing it but trying to do something and I start going through Taylor’s stuff grabbing an old two litre ice cream container and going through his pockets and putting all of it into there.

I’m not saying a thing about guys and that either. We don’t have good pockets in our clothes as women and if we did we’d just be as bad. Have you ever seen a woman’s everyday purse and how much it’s not cleaned out? Yeah totally the same only different.

She looks at me. “So when you came to me?”

“I had felt something as I wore them the first time and it wasn’t like anything I knew. Hell the first times it was like being haunted by something, y’know there but not quite there. Then the first time I actually tried dressing in drag and as bad and ugly a girl as I made then, I was a girl.”

“Well you certainly look the part now.” She’s looking at me in that…well I think I know which way and I think I know what’s been up her butt.

“Thank you I try, I’m still in transition though and I have a ways to go yet.”

She nods and takes a seat back down. “But you said you were a girl when you first saw yourself in the mirror in drag.”

“Yes, see before it wasn’t a reaction for me at all I’d look in the mirror make myself look like I should look as Jaimes but that’s it. There wasn’t anyone there.”

“But you’re a person, there has to be someone there you’re not some vampire.”

I lean on the washer. “But as Jaimes it wasn’t connecting it was like it wasn’t my real reflection. When I saw myself the real me that’s when I connected with myself for the first time I think and from that point on really there wasn’t any going back.”

“So why did you come to me then for help?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah dammit honestly.”

“You were one of the drama club kids and if you weren’t a lesbian then you knew enough people I figured that were LGBT that you’d be okay with it.”

“So you thought that I was a lesbian?”

“Actually I wasn’t sure all I knew…all I thought was that you hated the IN crowd so much that if I really wasn’t one of them then you wouldn’t turn on me like I knew that they would.”

Yes I know there’s a little ouch me being a bitch there with that but she wanted me to be honest with her.

Ingrid does look down. “Fuck…sorry…I mean it too just…I was so fucked up back then.”

“Back then? Iggy you still are and you need to see someone about the stuff that’s gone on with you.”

“What’s the point with the way that things are now?” (Sniffle.)

I go over and get some of the wet stuff out of one of the washers I want to hang up. “The point is that even if things are going to turn out badly that you take control of your life and take control of the abuse and get some help so you can have some peace. So you can go out if that’s what’s going to happen on your terms.”

(Sniffle.) “Easier said than done.”

I look her in the eyes. “Easier to face it than be tortured by it.”

I hold her eyes until she looks away. “I suppose you have that as one of these appointments too?”

“No, not yet but I have a friend working on finding you the right doctor to talk to.”

“Shrinks are quacks.”

“Therapist actually but it’s someone who knows what’s going on.”

“Really?”

“You can only stack bullshit for so long Ingrid before it comes falling down.”

“And…you’re not going to let this go are you?” She looked back up and I’m still staring at her.

“No, you owe me this and you owe Giselle this.”

“How long are you going to use that?” She whines and bit with that.

“Forever actually.” I kiss her cheek. It’s your fault, you wanted me back in your life and in Giselle’s I’m not going to give up on you.

(Sniffle-sob.) “Why?”

“Because I still love you and you’re still my friend.”

“But I was such a cunt to you!” She sobby kind of wail-whines at me crying.

I grab the basket. “And Friends are friends no matter what. Yeah what you did sucked and I hated it and I hated you for it but honestly Iggy, it’s a lot easier for me to just love you than spend all that energy hating you.”

I grab the basket and I carry it to the roof and okay I could have stayed and stuff but she doesn’t need me there to hold her hand through her getting her mind wrapped around some stuff.

She needs to get there herself.

I’ll pick her up when she falls but if I think she can do it and get there on her own two feet I’m not going to carry her. People do that too much. Forgiving someone isn’t becoming their crutch.

I slip back down and make a coffee and take it up and I hang the laundry out and enjoy the way the air feels. It’s getting cooler but it’s still plenty nice enough to hang clothes yet and I get my lawn chair out and I sit in the sun and I just read my bible some.

No I don’t take it verbatim, it’s as flawed as man is and to me it’s supposed to be. We’re not perfect. To me its stories and verses and allegories of us trying to get a grip on and understand something that’s bigger than us.

Not everyone’s take sure but then again it’s just me up here.

Well not just me right?

I read mostly my psalms, they’re my favorite parts actually and I just sit there when I’m done and sip my coffee and let the sun shine down on me and I just close my eyes and just be nothing else but that for awhile.

When my coffee is done I figure it’s about that time and I head down stairs and I get changed to go see Hanna.

I’m not trying to impress or intimidate so I just go with a good pair of jeans and one of the shirts from work here and a jacket and I go down to meet up with Daddy.

He smiles at me. “You ready?”

“Ask I’ll ever be.”

I go and I kiss Taylor and Giselle and she gives me this big hug and kisses me over and over going. “Mum, mum, mum.”

Ow…I so get why new mothers get separation anxiety over leaving their kids even for awhile. I am so feeling the tug on my heartstrings with her. I’m so there…Mum…yep…forever and ever kiddo.

I’m biting my lips and I hug daddy when we get out to the truck and let out a shaky sigh. “Wow…I didn’t think that I’d get that hooked that fast.”

He hugs me really tightly all of a sudden. “I was as soon as I laid eyes on you and being without you honey was hell.”

I hug him back. “Love you too Daddy, I’m so glad I have you back in my life now.”

We just stand there for a moment and hug each other tight and breathe. “Dad?”

“Yes honey?”

“We have to do this more often.”

“What?”

“Just hug each other tight and take a few minutes.”

He leans on the truck and holds me. “I couldn’t agree more kiddo.”

We actually do that for a good five minutes before we break the hold and I beam at him. He could so be a lot of things with me y’know. He’s been out of my life for almost all of my life and I’m transitioning into becoming his daughter instead of his son and he’s just…he’s my dad.

My Daddy the man who just held me tight just because for five minutes. Honestly when was the last time you held someone for that long outside of bed? Heck I know people who like have never done that…even in bed.

We drive out to the address she gave and it’s a little strip mall out in Capillano and I see what I think is her parked in front of the Safeway there and she’s drinking a coffee from Starbucks and she’s smoking but she looks like the girl I saw Iggy with when we ran into each other that night back when at the movies.

I get out of the truck and I walk over.

“Hanna?”

“Yeah, so you’re her.”

“Yes I’m Jenna Winters.” I offer her my hand.

She just stares at me and takes off her sunglasses and takes a drag off of her smoke and looks at me and sort of blows smoke at me. “Funny, you don’t look like a guy.”

“I’m not so why should I look like one?”

“You’re a tranny, I just figured but hell you’re kind of a pretty one. I still don’t see the big deal.”

“I’m sorry but you lost me a could of turns back there when you pulled onto ignorant street you want to fill me in on just what your problem with me is?”

“Don’t get smart with me.” She bristles and looks really hateful and pissed off at me. I can’t help it but just stare back at her. I’ve had plenty of stare down situations on the ball field and in the strip club and just with people that wouldn’t leave me alone.

“I’m not getting smart I’m just not taking your shit.”

“What’d you say to me you fucking freak?”

“I didn’t stutter and if you stopped acting like you were six and actually said why you’re copping an attitude instead of actually talking to me like a grown woman then we wouldn’t be doing this.”

She looks ready to hit me. “It’s not woman to woman you’ll never be a woman.”

I sigh.

“Alright it was worth the gas to come see. Now I know.” I turn and head back to the truck. I see dad pointing and I turn and see her arm raised to throw her coffee at me.

I stare at her again and she looks like a six year old that was caught throwing a fit and was going to do something really wrong.

I stare.

She lowers her arm eventually.

“Pour it out.”

She looks at me. She get’s this I effing hate you look on her face but she actually does it.

“Fucking satisfied?” She sneers.

“No not remotely, why did you leave Ingrid?”

“She wasn’t in love with me she was cheating on me.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, like fuck you are she was cheating on me with you.”

That, that get’s me to raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Ever since we ran into you and your date at the movies she’s been non-stop talking about you and looking you up and everything’s…Oh... Oh My gawd look at Jenna isn’t she beautiful now, isn’t she awesome, did you see her on you tube!”

Okay…

“Look Hanna…There’s a lot of history between me and Iggy, Giselle for one thing she’s my daughter.”

“See, you’re a fucking tranny…and it just proves it!”

“Proves what?”

“That she was still in love with you and she was never serious about us or her being a lesbian it was just a fucking lie, all she ever did was lie!”

“Okay…look I’m a transgendered woman but I’m still a woman and I’m a straight and very married woman too. I have never wanted to be in a relationship with another woman not now, not ever and not with Ingrid.”

“But you knocked her up.”

“She got me hammered and sexually assaulted me.”

“It still doesn’t change the fact that she’s at your place, living with you.”

“No that is what’s going on and she’s living on my fold out because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go?”

She’s grinding her teeth. “She could’ve went home.”

“To her folks?”

She nods. “Not an option her dad molested her.”

She drops the cigarette out of her fingertips and she looks pale, really pale in that bad flashback kind of way.

And I was all set to seriously dislike her.

Hanna’s sucking air and choking and I go over to help her and get her turned away from me just in time before she has a major hurl session all over the pavement. I hold her shoulders as her legs give and settle her to her knees on the pavement and then hold her hair back with one hand and pat her back softly with the other.

“You too huh?”

She nods and makes some crying noises and get’s the heaves for a bit. I just keep doing what I’m doing until she’s done and Dad’s walked over and he passes me my purse.

“I’ll go and get some water in the store.”

“Thanks daddy.”

Hanna looks at me and then him but dad’s already headed into the Safeway.

“She…she didn’t tell me.” (Snuffle-spit.)… Eeeww, girls shouldn’t hock a greener…ever.

“I can see that.” She’s staring at me.

“Why?”

“Did you tell her?”

(Snuffle-spit.) “Yeah…”

“Was it hard?”

“What’d you think?”

“I think that she loved you enough that she didn’t want to trigger you anymore than she wanted to relive it herself.”

“Oh….” She glares at me. “You have an answer for everything?”

“Nope, not even close but you did ask what I thought.” I try a smile at her.

“Fuck…” she wipes at her face as I pass her a Wetwipe. “And here I was all set to hate your guts.”

“I got that with the whole I want to shampoo you with my vente thing.”

She stares at me. “You’re cracking jokes?”

“Hey that was funny.”

“I can see why she likes you so much.”

“Well we were best friends before everything happened and she outed me.”

“She never said, she just got all weepy about stuff with you and cried over the girl.”

I look at her hard. “The Girl is my daughter, her name is Giselle.”

“Sorry…I’m…I’m not a good person Jenna, I’m all fucked up.”

“Yeah…” I stretch that out sarcastically. “I wouldn’t have gotten that.”

She’s giving me that look like she has no idea what to say but wants to tell me off. I smile at her. “Fine, I won’t call her that again.”

“Good, so how did you treat her before?”

“I didn’t…I can’t really stand kids…I just sort of ignored her as much as possible, she was Iggy’s kid not mine.”

“Uh-huh, it shows. Look you have any give a shit about Ingrid at all?”

She’s staring at me.

I stare back.

That lasts until dad comes back with two bottles of water and a mini thing of Scope. I let her take them and rinse her mouth out. “You’re fucking direct aren’t you?”

“She’s got ovarian cancer Hanna she doesn’t really have the time or the strength for bullshit or games.”

She’s starting to cry again and she looks at me. (Sniffle-sob.) “I can’t…I...I just can’t Jenna it’s too much I can’t handle her being sick…not like that I’m…I’m not good with shit like that and…and she’s still in love with you.. (Sniffle-sob)...not me.”

She get’s up and I do too and grab her wrist as she’s trying to go. She looks at me and I’m looking her in the eyes and it really, really sucks to say it but I let go of her wrist…

“Don’t…don’t call me again Jenna…not even...”

I looked into her eyes and she was upset but it wasn’t there…that little something that I hoped might be there for Ingrid it just wasn’t. She get’s in her car really, really fast and she pulls out squealing the tires and just watch her go and I’m crying.

“I won’t.”

I’m wiping at my eyes because I can’t help but to cry for Ingrid…this, this was what happened with Tay and it sucks, it’s not right it isn’t fair and Then Daddy’s arms are there again hugging me.

“At least you tried honey, a whole lot of people wouldn’t come close to doing half the stuff that you did for Ingrid.”

“Daddy?” (Sniffle.)

“Yes honey?”

“We need to just keep this between us okay; Ingrid doesn’t need to know this part. Hanna’s already hurt her enough.”

“Okay…but not for Ingrid kiddo.”

“That’s okay, it’s not for me too…Iggy needs to be strong, she needs to be strong enough to fight this as hard as she can for our daughter.”

He nods and he holds me tight until I’m ready to leave and it’s a long way home it feels like and I’m leaning my head on the glass of the truck door in the sun and just trying to get there…where I need to be for her and for our little girl.

I do love her…she was my very first best friend she was my sister.

But can I love her enough that it’s enough to get her through this?

I have to try, I have to try.

If we do lose her I want the Images Giselle will have of her mom to be good enough to outweigh the bad. It might be all we may have of her in the end.