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Chapter 1: Sam.

I woke up with a jolt as my nightmares came to a crescendo. My hand's what did it. The kick of the gun as I fired back killing in my nightmare it's like a phantom limb effect as it twitched with the remembered kick of my Browning 9mm. It's scary, and I stare at that hand once my brain figures out where I'm at. I can still sort of see the face of one of the Afghani Taliban members who had tried to kill me while I was traveling in a convoy with a unit of US soldiers. The wind had come up and blown away his face scarf. He was twelve, thirteen, fourteen years or so at the oldest. I killed a kid. It was a bad ambush and it was self defense …but I still killed a kid.

Two years later I’m still afraid, having nightmares and flashbacks. I’m more myself than ever now, I’m a transgendered girl. All the hormones running through my body really slam me with the feelings I’ve been holding back.

I roll or sort of crawl out of bed and tiredly walk to the bathroom. I start washing my face trying to wake up. It’s about four AM. I take a shower, washing my face just didn’t help much. It wakes me up, well actually washing my breasts usually wakes me up. They’re still new enough to me it’s like a reality check every time, no…not every time just a lot of the times I do.

I encounter enough stubble to give myself a frown. I hated shaving as a guy even though I’m actually shaving more now. Armpits, legs. “Ouch, shit.” I’m still new to the shaving regularly thing and I still cut myself, the soap stings, like lemon juice on a paper cut.

I dry off and stare at my torso in the mirror. Not so much at my chest but at the two roundish scars from where I was shot in the ambush.

I shake my head clear and go through the rest of my rituals. Lotion because I get dry skin sometimes. Teeth, hair nothing fancy. I’m still learning all of this and can’t really pull off fancy.

I live in my parent’s old house in Bridgeview, British Columbia about two hours drive up the coast from Vancouver. My parents are both dead. My mom, who was one of my personal heroes, died from breast cancer while I was in training. She was a RCMP officer who joined quite young and was one of the youngest women to actually make Lieutenant. She was awesome. Even as a young boy I wanted to be like my mom.

Dad was a fireman. He died while I was recovering in a NATO hospital in Germany from nearly getting killed in Afghanistan. It was then, in hospital having nearly died, I finally made the decision to transition. The fire department held a nice service for him. I couldn’t make it home for the service, but thanks to one of the fire fighter’s sons, there was a live feed set up for me to watch. My dad was an awesome guy. He died in the line of duty getting three panicked kids out of a burning group home. I still keep his spare firefighting gear out on the sun porch like he’d still be waiting to grab it when he was on call as a first responder. It’s the first thing you see when you come in my house. God it feels weird to even think that.

I go downstairs frowning at the groans and creaks of the place. I own the house but there hadn’t been a lot of cash in being a firefighter or a mountie , still I’m getting a check from being a military nurse and having been honorably discharged. I’m still kinda on psyche leave, and I’m still learning to be the me that I’ve locked up deeply and held hidden. I’m dealing with my trauma, trying to get through the loss of my dad and coming home to an empty house. I’m a bit thrown off my mental stride in a way; I’m transitioning and not having to explain it to him, not having him find out that his pride and joy, his little guy was well on her way to becoming his daughter. Messed up doesn’t cover half of me.

“I need coffee.”

I make myself some coffee, I use Tim Horton’s from the actual shop grind instead of the same labeled stuff from the grocery store. It’s all dad would have in the house. It’s brewing when the lights of the paper guy’s car come up the lane. I step outside to meet him rather than have him biff it. He passes me the paper staring at me. My hair’s in a pony tail, I’m wearing an old ratty Def-Leopard t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

It’s a small town. They know who and what I am. Word got around after I told off some asshole of a realtor who called the RCMP on me. He tried to get me evicted as a squatter because he hadn’t recognized me. After showing my Id’s and paperwork, he and maybe even the officer started telling people. I’ve had lots of grief from people who are just too?

I don’t know, threatened to understand me.

The paper guy’s like fifty or so and staring at me, at my body and my chest like he’s trying to decide, is it a boy or a girl. “I’m both right now, but as soon as I can..” I smile at him as he blanches. Yeah I’m poking the lion but after what I’ve survived I’m not scared of these people as I would have been a couple of years ago.

I give him a bright smile. “Thank you!, Have a good morning,” If I was any more snarky this morning I’d have throw in a wiggle.

I’ve always kind of been a girl in the back of my head. I’m not like some of the TG people you hear about in online stories. I was actually kind of an average guy. I didn’t cross-dress unless it was at Halloween or Sadie Hawkins day dances. I twice had girlfriends in high school, but only for a few months each time.

I did track for a year in 10th grade and was in the army cadets in junior high until I wanted to have long hair and you couldn’t have that as a cadet back then. I was an average guy I thought. Actually I thought for awhile I might be gay or bisexual.

Nothing gelled for me until I was in the army as a combat medic. I went to Bangkok, Thailand for my very first leave from Afghanistan. I met a young well spoken lady boi there called Kym and we became lovers. After a week with her, as she showed me the sights and her life, there was that Holy shit…this is me moment. I agonized over it for my whole first year and with Kym in my corner so to speak, I put in the paperwork and slowly started transitioning.

That was almost four and a half years ago. I’m five ft, nine inches, and about 150-160 lbs. Since starting to transition I’ve dropped about 25-30 lbs since then mostly in muscle mass. I was fine featured for a guy but make, I guess, a pretty average girl. My shoulders are a bit too wide and strong for many girls, and my feet are a bit big at a ladies size ten. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be satisfied in the whole hip, waist and butt area. I guess that makes me just like a lot of girls out there. There‘s a happy thought, me just like every other girl.

The thing is, I feel so much better now in so many ways. I really didn’t know what was wrong with me. It’s like living with pain, you get so used to it and the stresses that come from it and then once you’re pain free it’s like you’re in a new world.

Probably the hardest thing I’m ever going to do is be true to who I need to be inside but I can’t go back.

I miss Kym. She was a legal secretary and part time model. She wasn’t a street walker lady boi but had five or six of the street types as friends. I was with her when we met up with them at a night club. She was killed while I was on duty, beaten to death by a tourist homophobe who tried to pick her up and didn’t like what she was. He was put into jail where he got stabbed by someone who was friends with Kym or one of her friends.

I take a deep inhale of the coffee smell and smile. I think I’m weird, I drink like maybe one coffee a day but even though I’m more of a tea drinker, I love the smell of it brewing. I love the smell of a pipe or a cigar on occasion even if I’m a non-smoker, and popcorn, I really love the smell of popcorn.

The coffee is good and I read the Bridgeview Banner, one of the two local newspapers. It’s a more artsy and liberal paper and more my speed of writing and stories and things. The other is the Bastion and it’s more conservative and old school. I got the great joy of having my perverted return to town plastered all over the editorial section from people in town who were, and still are, offended by me coming home as Sam Chase the girl instead of Samaritan Chase the returning war hero. There were even a few people who tried to get me lumped in with the likes of the sex offenders. Yeah my first year home’s been great fun. I actually get the most grief from the people in town that I had gone to school with.

I didn’t come straight home after Germany either. I stayed there for a few months in the TG community in Berlin. It wasn’t really my scene with some really weird people there and too artsy and very over the top as well. Not all of them, but enough that the place got old fast. It’s where I met Marc though. A very nice French guy and the first man I was ever with sexually. There was a lot of relief that I was straight? It wasn’t gay sex to me.

I moved to Toronto and the Danforth area and again it was just too rainbow oriented to be comfortable to me. I had a girlfriend there much to my surprise and it was mostly a lesbian relationship. Tanya couldn’t handle me though, with my nightmares and still having male bits, but mostly it was her friends in the lesbian community. If it wasn’t me not being a real woman, or at least by their definition it was the fact I was in the military. I was a warmongering baby killing freak. Yeah there were nice people there but it was the few people who were really hateful towards me that sent me home.

Trying to stay alive while the convoy you were in got taken out by a roadside bomb and ambush, and killing two young teenagers, then coming home…getting called a baby killer. My nightmares were still too fresh. After two weeks in a nice soft place after suffering a PTSD breakdown, I left Toronto for home.

I’ve pretty much been a homebody, a bit of a shut in since getting home.

God I hate mornings like this! I hate living in my head so much!

I stop even trying to read the paper and go and sit on the old sofa in the living room and finally have a good cry, my knees pulled to my chest.

A few hours later I feel lanced inside and make myself some toast with apple pie filling and chopped banana on it with a microwave scrambled egg.

I get changed into my camouflage track suit and grab my backpack. I always carry a few must haves. I live five miles from town and yes there are bears on occasion, so there’s bear spray and an air horn as well as some nylon rope, two bottles of water, a compass and a multi-tool as well as a good knife and two MRE’s and a small first aid and camping survival kit. I hike a lot and bike a lot as well as jog. I’m still enough of an army girl that I feel better having it than not. I fasten my arm and leg weights on and head out for a jog up the road away from town.

I love running in the early morning and stuff. It’s a hold over from being in the army. A good breakfast and morning base run and calisthenics. It’s an old habit. I use the endorphins help me fight off the depression and the blahs. I take my pills, my hormones and my women’s blend vitamins and some ginseng and ginkgo what’s it too oh an my anti-depression med too.

I love running. The way my more correct body moves, the sway of everything from my butt to hips to ponytail. I feel right in minutes and just concentrate on eating up the road, mile after mile soaking myself in sweat. I haven’t got a single drop of Native in me but I always think of it as a sweat lodge thing, like I’m getting all the negativity out of myself as I run. Not to mention that it’s healing just by virtue of where I am; jogging up the road way passed my house heading out of town. The woods around me smell of evergreens and off to my left the mountains rise up barely an hours ride away by bicycle. As I gain elevation I can see the Pacific ocean away on my right. Sometimes the world can be so beautiful I can actually feel at peace with my place in it. I get to feel better and free, more like myself.

I’m good, my day’s getting better as I turn around and head for home. Today I’ve gone about five miles each way. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less, It depends on how much stress I’ve got built up. So I was thinking. I’m doing good today, right up until I get home, sweaty and tired, just before lunch. Then I see it. The grass in my front yard was all torn up from someone doing doughnuts. My mom’s little white picket planters that line the driveway are broken and the words ‘LEAVE FAGGIT’ are sprayed over the side of my house in florescent orange spray paint, the kind that‘s used all over here for tagging lumber and trees.

I’m just pissed and a bit disgusted by the whole thing. I take out my cell phone and call the Mounties.

I’m sitting in the cab of my dad’s old truck drinking one of my waters. I see a bunch of vehicles pull into the old Ferguson farmstead across the road. A flat bed truck with two cars on it, old antique 70’s muscle cars. Two more trucks with rail/shipping box containers. There’s five or six bikers with them and funny enough the RCMP are following right behind them.

I’m a little pissed, they’re obviously here more for the bikers than my call. I walk to the end of my driveway where they parked watching my new biker neighbors. I knock on the window making the two mounties jump. One rolls down the passenger window. “Jesus, what the hell did you do that for!”

“The vandalism I called about twenty minutes ago is this way guys or is there another car coming to handle it.” My arms pointing up the driveway and I’ve got every ounce of female scorn I can manage running through my body right now.

They give me a dirty look. They both know about me and aren’t fans but they nod. “Yeah okay show us what they did Mr. Chase.” I could push my legal status but it’d just cause more grief that I don’t need and push the investigation back a bit further. They take some pictures and walk around until I see another RCMP officer come up the lane.

I don’t recognize her, she’s higher ranking, a sergeant. She’s got a box kit and passes it to one of the corporals. “I want photos, tire tread casts and paint scrapings.” She opens a pad and reads some notes before walking up to me. “Sorry that I’m late Ms. Chase, I’m new here and I’ve been going over your file and complaints from the other instances.”

“Uhm thanks, I’m not really used to getting…”

“Yeah the proper treatment.”

“Uhm..” I’m a little more than blown away by being treated like a decent human being.

“We’re supposed to be Mounties and we are supposed to treat everyone with the same rights and respect under the law no matter what.” Her voice raised on that first supposed as she stared at one of the mumbling and complaining corporals.

“Uhm, thanks,” I wipe off my sweaty hand and offer it in a handshake. “Sam, Sam Chase.”

“Hi, I’m Cass Cavanaugh,” she shook my hand in a decent strong woman with nothing to prove grip.

I liked her immediately. Really liked her, with a seldom felt stirring. A woman in uniform, vest, belt, and capable….Yay?

Cass, uhm Sergeant Cavanaugh, went over and began to run the investigation. She made sure they did everything by the book and didn’t let them slack off. I took some time to watch them do their thing then watched the bikers acrossed the road.

They’re a rough looking bunch and now there’s a pick-up truck with a U-haul and three native guys there. They all seem to be backslapping and warrior arm clasping one guy. Big, long dark hair, leather biker jacket and jeans, heavy boots. He’s got a pair of sunglasses on. I’m a little nervous of them, these guys could be nasty neighbors if they find out about me. I slip inside and bring the Mounties out some fresh made coffee.

As I was making it I heard the corporals giving Cass the low down and dirty about me in hushed tones. I was putting the cups on the tray with some pre-packaged doughnuts when I hear her whispering to them angry like. “Look you assholes, I know you guys get to a new town and try to get in good with some of the locals. I get it. It makes life and the job easier. But you gotta lay the fuck off of her.”

“Why sergeant like the sign says…?”

“Why? Because she’s one of us. Her mom was one of us, a Lt. It don’t matter what she has turned out like she’s a cop’s kid. What would you do if people were fucking with one of your kids? Thompson? Don’t you got a boy with Downs syndrome? What if the spray paint was on your house and said ‘Retard’ instead?”

There was a few minutes of quiet and I had to recover from my own embarrassment. I take out the coffee as they’re getting done.

“Hey guys uhm there’s coffee. I’m really sorry for blowing up at you guys like that. It’s just after everything since I’ve come home it kinda gets to you.”

We make some small talk for awhile and the two other RCMP seem to thaw a bit towards me. I actually get to shake the hands of all three of them before they leave. They thank me for the coffee and Cass gives me her card. “If you get any more problems call me, my home phone’s on the back.” She smiled as she got into the truck and left.

I’m cleaning up the dishes when I notice the big biker guy in my yard looking around. Nervously I walk out.

“Can I uhm help you?”

He looks up at me. He’s…hot?

Six foot even and broad shouldered with about 240 lbs on him. Yeah he’s carrying a bit extra but nobody’s perfect. Lot’s of muscle too, it makes his jacket tight in some places around his shoulders. Long dark brown hair, tanned, black t-shirt with a red plaid shirt on over that under the jacket and those old faded blue jeans that are like a second skin…he’s uhm well uhm..blessed in the manhood region.

He looks like the dangerous biker type. He was surveying the damage until I spoke up.

“Looks like you had some trouble?”

“Uhm…” My god I’m doing that a lot lately.

“Look” he takes off his sunglasses and rubs his eyes a second before putting on a pair of nice looking normal glasses. Geek, biker?

“Look, miss, I’m just moving into the neighborhood and I’m fixing my place up so I just though I’d offer to fix some of this up for you, seeing like I’m just doing the same over home.”

He’s looking at the message spray painted on the side of my house. I swallow my fear and decide to tell him up front now that I’m good with the RCMP I think.

“Yeah you might want to reconsider that..”

If I don’t tell him and warn him off then he finds out later he’ll be really pissed. Guys don’t like being tricked, Hell It’s not really any of anyone’s business who I am unless we’re dating…

“Why?”

I stare at him just more than a little scared. He’s more than strong enough to snap me in half. He just verbally stepped in, interrupting me, throwing me off my mental stride.

“Well It’s just I’m really not all that well thought of…”

“Brandon, Brandon Page.”

He did it again…that pushy so and so. Alright buster here, let’s see how you like a dose of the truth about the town freak.

“Yeah, okay look, I’m a transgendered girl, so you might want to uhm not want to be seen over here and stuff, you know people might get the wrong idea.” He’s walking towards me, staring at me intensely and I’m back to being scared in a rush all over again. I back away just a bit and I’m reaching inside the sun porch for one of my dad’s old golf clubs. He stops about six feet away and looks me up and down.

“Hmn, good choice.”

WTF, did he just say? No he couldn’t can’t…can he, could he?

“Are you gay!?” oh dear god open mouth insert foot, leg.

“Nope.”

“Uhm what?”

“You say that a lot.”

Instant blush, he smiles teasing me. “I’ll be over in an hour or so to get this stuff fixed up.”

He leaves walking down my driveway and lane.

“It was nice meeting you miss!”

“”Sam!, my name’s Sam!”

Wow…what just happened?

He’s not gay. He didn’t freak out and try to kill me.

He’s very hot in this really different way…my nipples are aching enough to make me cover my chest with my arms.

“Oh god, he said an hour and I’m all sweaty and groddy and stuff.” Yes I said it out loud even though I’m the only one here in the house. I talk to myself all the time. I babble to myself when I’m nervous. I’m also a bad nail chewer and a pacer too.

* Chapter two will be Brandon’s introduction. I hope you all liked this.

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Chapter 2: Brandon

I woke up to the rattling sounds of the torrential rains hitting the cheap tin plated roof of my apartment in a converted cotton warehouse. I live in a poorer neighborhood in southern Beijing and actually safer than most. Most old areas like this are full of poor people and a lot of the elderly and kids. You can be perfectly safe as long as you look poor too and tough enough not to look like a mark. Most importantly get to know the locals.

I get up, shower then shave get dressed and head out to work. I’ve done a lot of things; I’ve got lots of experience and no real degrees to show for much of it. Real life, on the job experience is my schooling.

I’m a construction worker, actually a foreman over here, and in charge of a crew of about twenty guys, some I’ve hired from the neighborhood.

I stop at a sticky dumpling stand just at the end of my street to get a strong tea before taking the bus. I’ll get breakfast at the job site as a half dozen vendors are set up across the street. Once I’m on the bus, I pull down the hood on my slicker. It rains hard here but the rain keeps down the smog. Smog from morning traffic is bad here. Fifth stop and I move again, shifting seats is common here, the men move aside giving the seats to the women, and everyone moves for the elderly. I might be a Quai-lo (Round eye) foreigner but it just feels right with me. I was raised not to be an unmannerly punk.

I get to work and head over to greet the vendors and the guys that I work with. I buy some breakfast and get another tea for myself and a few of the guys. I tip each vendor well; I pay and don’t take back my change letting them have a really good tip. I tell the other imports like me to do the same. Some do, some don’t but this makes a difference for the guys who work these stands.

I take my food over to the job site, grab my tool belt and binder with the day’s orders and changes and head up the outside elevator. I claim a work table and set my stuff down then join the guys at the view over the city from a huge section of unfinished wall. Every working day we do this ritual of the view, breakfast together and then 15 minutes of Tai-Chi before work. Every day is a good day when you have spicy noodles and BBQ pork for breakfast and Dim Sum for lunch.

The day goes well; we spent the entire day between the 122nd and 125th floors of one of these big new apartment complexes for the new Chinese rising middle classes. I love the view, but then again I like scenery from a lot of the places I’ve lived. I spend my breaks and days off playing photographer, I’m an amateur but I got into it shortly after leaving home; it’s a vice and a hobby, as well as a job perk. I don’t spend a lot of time at it but I usually have a camera with me.

Once I get a job and move in some place, I spend most of my days off helping my neighbors. I travel with my tools a lot, or if I can’t have a proper place to lock up my good tools I buy stuff there. Here in Beijing I bought a lot of them but many were swiped from the job site. Hey I’m no angel and they’re making millions on those places. I use them to fix up the places I end up staying in and use them to fix up the poor houses of my neighbors too. I’m the happy useful nice foreign guy.

But once in awhile there are days I get to play tourist. I always try to get a guide from the neighborhood who’s been to where I want to go. It actually don’t cost that much to invite others along. I usually rent a van and take whoever’s been guiding me, and fill the rest of it up with a couple of elders and a bunch of poor kids who might never get to go see places like these. Someone’ll pack food so we don’t have to pay concession stand prices.

Why? I know what it’s like to grow up poor.

Back home in Birchcreek, Nova Scotia I grew up lower middle class. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’ll never say that. But it left tracks in me that formed my life. My Dad was a good guy but he ran a logging truck so he was always on the road and there wasn’t work all the time. Money was tight but we were okay. We got new clothes once a year and they were for school only and those where on sale too. If we ever wanted to get anything like Jordashe Jeans or Levis or Reeboks or anything like that it came out of our summer job money. We were not the lucky kids who got an allowance for doing chores, chores were chores; you had to do them or we just went without. We all had jobs in the summer even when I was as old as six or seven, you can’t do much then but you can pick berries, rake leaves, pick vegetables my family and others in our financial bracket like most of the native kids were the equivalent of today’s migrant workers.

When we did get stuff most of the time it was army surplus, thrift store buys, hand me downs from relatives and stuff.

We had no well but a spring and gravity fed cisterns for my family and my grandparents. No water heater so we heated it on the stove for everything and all we ever had to cook on and heat the houses were wood stoves. We were poor but not. My grandparents helped us and we helped them, there were pigs and chickens and a couple of cows and we always had a garden. We were kind of the small little red-neck hobby farm with the junk in the yard. That was my Grandpa Frank he could build anything out of anything. He was one of those old guys who lived and grew up in the depression. As a little kid and the man I’m today I’m still in awe of the man.

You really don’t see really poor until you get out of North America. Mexico is bad but it’s rich compared to some places. Unless you have really traveled you have no idea. I have been to Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Arabia, Israel, Palestine, the Sudan, Chile and Ecuador to work. Now I’m in China.

Nowhere in Canada except some really bad spots do you see anything close to the poverty I get to see everyday. Makes me want to share the wealth, you can’t take it with you.

So I help out. Most of my cash is banked anyway; I have been doing that for a long time. It transfers to a branch of the Bank of Nova Scotia where it gets split up into several accounts. You can make good money just being “that guy” you know that guy, the one who’s been everywhere and knows what needs to be done, that’s me I’m that guy. Underground in a mine running a front end loader, on an oil rig in the prairies, or on the water or in the desert, I’ve been a roustabout on all three, driving logging trucks can be big money. For awhile I drove in a long haul convoy over in the Middle East and the Sudan, Insane money in that but really dangerous. I got hurt in three knife fights, shot at in five hijacking attempts, was in a convoy that hit an IED so I said to hell with that and I stopped that all together after being in a fire fight against a bunch of Sunni’s and shooting and killing three people. I never saw the faces and they were trying to kill me but still I’m not that kind of guy. There where easier ways to make money.

Like construction. If you know how to do lots of stuff and have been around the world you get two things. One- this guy’s not reliable and won’t stick around. Or call Brandon he knows what to do and see if he can come and get things running here for us. I collect letters of recommendation from my bosses, cards and go anywhere and do anything. And If I can’t do it, odds are I’ve worked with somebody who can.

But I like doing little stuff while I’m out here away from the home I don’t have. It gives me a sense of community. But home wise, is for me a storage yard in Dartmouth and the airport, a motel when I’m in town and my bank and the post office.

My brother Wade inherited the house and being a druggie basically burned through the money he had and lost the land to the bank when he smoked through the money he got for refinancing it. My Dad died when I was 17 driving and just hit a patch of black ice and rolled his truck. My mom died having a fatal heart attack while I was being shot at. My sister, she killed herself after an abusive marriage. Last I heard my brother was doing life for murder in an attempted robbery for drug money and is in Renuce penitentiary in New Brunswick.

So it’s been just me really for a long time.

Until today; Today I get a DVD sent to me by courier, and it explains to me by this guy in a suit that I’m the soul surviving relative of the estate of one Gerald Ferguson my Grandpa Frank’s half brother. There’s a short letter with it.

Dear Brandon;

If you’ve gotten this letter and video what sit then I’m dead and just as well cause getting old an being old just plain bites. You’re the only family I’ve got left kid that’s worth a damn. I’ve gotten letters from your Grandpa over the years before he passed and said you did well. I worked my ass off for this bit of land and I’m not giving it to any of my brothers or sisters kids but you. The rest of them are all spoiled little cretins or criminals. So it’s all yer’s boy. The lawyer will give you the details on the disc thing.

Great Uncle Gerry.

So now I got a place?

I look at the DVD and it’s a bunch of legalize and a video walk around the property it’s an old cattle and grain ranch or farm that had stopped about 15 years ago and has been idle since. It’s got pasture and woodland on it for about three hundred acres plus a big barn and a big garage and farmhouse. The old fellow was in a home the last eight years so it’s in bad shape.

I’ve got tools.

I own it free and clear.

I’ve got enough money in the bank now for quite awhile really.

And now I’ve got the chance to live in coastal central British Columbia.

Hell I’m thirty-four years old; it might be nice to settle down for a change.

***

I tell my bosses and they’re pretty good guys. I finish out my contract for the year and find them a guy I know that can handle the job. Hell I know Simon pretty well and I even sell him my apartment here so he’s got a place to stay. I stay a week after he’s here getting him up to speed and show him the area and introduce him to the locals.

I make arrangements to get my stuff shipped from the east coast by rail. I’ve kept most of my stuff in a Dartmouth warehouse paying a friend of mine Eddie Stewart to take care of the things I’ve shipped home from all over the world. Eddie’s a good guy but lost an arm fishing tuna a lot of years back so I send him a check every month to do this for me and he honestly needs the cash. And a lot of my stuff here I let Simon have or give it away to my neighbors who need anything they can get. I take a trans-pacific flight after calling around on the internet on the Face blab site seeing who’d be around to give me a hand. There’s a bunch of good guys I know from years back working out of the oil-sands now over in Alberta. I tell them it’ll be some extra quid (money), I’ll pay for the gas and the booze and the food if they can come over and give me a hand for the weekend.

My first stop is the airport in Vancouver. Then a cab ride to the Bank of Nova Scotia. It’s an hour of getting some cashiers cheques to pay for the freight charges for my stuff and my two cars 1970 chev chevelle all stock restored and in black and my red 1969 dodge superbee. I get my accounts squared away and stop by the local Harley Davidson dealer in the city and buy a brand new 2010 in cash after talking the sales guy down a bit I get a good deal with it being an outright purchase and commissioned sale and all that. I still end up paying out about half of my life savings by the time I’m done paying for everything. It’s the most cash I’ve ever spent in my life. I’m half excited like a teenager again and half sick too. Even as I meet the guys back at the airport on their bikes and with the guys from the freight company we pull out getting out of town and taking the coastal highway their all driving behind me like we’re a gang. For a good part of the morning I’m freaked a bit and I repeat to myself. “You don’t have a mortgage, you don’t have a mortgage.” Given the housing markets now days I’m freaking rich. Not really; but I’m really well off considering.

It’s a good bit of fun getting up there we take two days getting there or well rather we drive most of the way there and get a motel in some small town just off the highway and we hit the local pub and get chatted up by the locals. The cars and the bikes are a big draw for some people. The RCMP makes an appearance and kind of patrol near us without actually stopping. We’re not breaking any laws and they seem to think we’re all bikers. Well we are we’re part of an online club of motorcycle enthusiasts and we know each other from working together but two of the are pipe-welders, Bobby and Steve, One’s a carpenter up at Fort Mc Money(Fort McMurray), Chris and Chuck’s a chef at some high end place in Calgary. It’s kind of funny, hell it is funny. They even follow us out to the end of their patrol limit and we’re good until the time we get into Bridgeview.

It’s actually a nice town if a bit screwy. You come to the town and there’s a big suspension bridge that spans the bay as it opens up from two large cliff like hills that flank the mouth of the bay. The main bridge is part of the provincial highway. It’s actually very nice one of those big graceful arching bridges with the big pillars and everything even the rows of cables and these huge sidewalks used for the tourists and the walking trails. There’s an off ramp to pull into town on inside edge of the bridge and taking it you drive down the cliff sides into this big bay with the town meeting the bay. There’s another bridge that’s made for the railway about halfway to town and the tracks lead down to the water were you can see tree and lumber barges on one side of the shore with a large mill and what looks like the private and fishing docks on the south side of the bay. The town itself is about 25-30 thousand people and goes front the inside edge of the bay area out into and up the valley. Lots of surrounding evergreen forests but lots of leaf trees planted in town.

It’s a pretty typical place. I see the typical places like Wall-Mart, Zellers, The Bay, Costco., Mc Donald’s, Burger Queen (yeah All are (TM.) of their respectful companies.) Etc. It’s a typical town. I find the address for the law firm and use a pay-phone to confirm my appointment to meet him at city hall to take care of everything there and register myself as the new owner and pay off any taxes owing. We pulled into the parking lot drawing stares as we do look like a bunch of bikers and there’s a bunch of us and the trucks. I see a guy in a suit with a light beard and a pony tail getting out of a town car. He walks up with a brief case and extends his hand, we shake. “Mr. Hunter?” He nods. “Mr. Page?” I nod. He looks at my friends but doesn’t say anything and says. “Shall we get this done then?” I follow him into the building. “Lets.”

I won’t bore you with the technical legal mumbo-jumbo about the actual reading of the will and then going through the taxes and assessments and stuff. It turns out that I wasn’t the only one there. I saw a few of what might have been relatives that argued with the lawyer for awhile about the probate stuff. It turns out not only was I chosen to inherit but Uncle Jerry had left letters for them as well that basically said they were shit out of luck. Most left mad and complaining about the waste of time and gas for this.

There was some guy there staring at me giving me a dirty look the entire time. I ask the lawyer. “Do you know who that guy is and why he was staring a hole through me?”

“That’d be your sixth cousin Henry Wade; he’s been trying to get a hold of the property and trying to find a reason to get you into probate court.”

“Is he going to be a problem?”

“More than likely, he wants the ranch for a new golf course, he’s got investors.”

“How much for to put you on retainer?”

“You sure, I’m not cheap?”

“How much?”

“Three thousand a year without any action.”

“You’re hired, can I pay you now?”

“With?”

“Cashiers cheque.”

I take out the cheque and endorse it over to him.”

“This is for ten thousand dollars.”

“Yeah I had a lot of expenses moving back here and getting things put together, I took out a bunch of those to pay customs and the freight charges, the shipping company, the back taxes. It’s the last one though.”

“You want change?”

“No keep it and deduct it off my account as you go.”

“Alright Mr. Page.”

I extend my hand to him. “You can call me Brandon.”

“Good I’m Dash.”

“Dash?” He blushes a bit.

“It’s an old family name short for Dashel.”

“Musta been hell around Christmas?”

“You’ve got no idea.”

We’re both having a chuckle as we leave the building. He looks at me. “Henry will try something.”

“I know, I’ve been around and seen guys like him before.”

“You want me to do anything.”

“Yeah get my property relisted as a farm because that is what it’s still going to be. And find out who the investment group is and get a restraining order ready for them to desist their attempts to attack the financial status of my farm. Get me a listing on the better business bureau and the Bridgeview merchant’s association as well as a farming and business license.”

“You have been around these guys before.”

“You work enough construction and you see a lot of really crooked developers.”

“So what are you going to be farming?”

“For now I think it’ll be organic produce.”

“Alright.”

“Oh and get me some information about the local farmers market or whatever it is here.”

“You don’t do anything by half measures do you Brandon.”

“Never.”

I sign off on a contract he’s got with him and another series of drafts for everything he’s going to do. I get his contact information and drive to the local hardware place and open an account with my credit card. “I’ll need delivery most likely too is that alright?” after a credit check and a good look at my ID and gold card the guy is all smiles. “Not a problem at all sir.” I leave with the guys out to find my new organic produce farm. Not ten minutes later we’re being followed by a pair of RCMP in their 4-Wheel drive truck. They follow us all the way to the ranch and park in my next door neighbor’s lane.

I start to check the place out with the guys and we start unloading things and paying the guys off with the flat beds and stuff we celebrate a bit. It’s when I first see her; it’s easy to spot her with that long golden blonde hair. I’m watching the girl sitting in the old ford pick up. She’s watching us and the RCMP and she looks upset.

I can see she’s had a mess made out of her yard and somebody spray bombed the side of her house. She’s upset by what’s been done and the lovely bit of nastiness written in bright orange. She’s very upset. Enough to come down and give the cops a piece of her mind. She’s tall and blonde with long hair at least to her shoulder blades. She’s well built, there’s muscle there, and she’s got strong shoulders like a female boxer might have and…It all kind of clicks into place. She’s a trans-girl, sorry, woman.

I’ve absolutely no problem with any trans or gay or lesbian person. I’ve worked enough around the world I’ve seen a lot of different kind of people living very different kinds of lives. I’m of the opinion everyone should be free to be whoever they really are. Life’s far too short to not to. I’ve even been with a couple of these girls in the past. Living in China I’ve been to Thailand and met a few nice Khatoei girls. I went on a vacation once in French Polynesia and met a very nice Rei-Rei? And knew three really wild Brazilian girls that used to hang at a bar with me and the guys I worked with hung out at while down in Ecuador. Actually getting to meet one here in a small town like this was the most surprising.

I’ve never “been” with a trans-girl but I’ve known lots of them. Besides, she right now looks like she could use some common human decency.

Another RCMP cruiser pulls up into the yard and a woman about my age gets out with a tote of stuff. They’re busy so I go back at looking the place over with the guys and pretty soon Eli Taylor a Mic-Mac native from down home pulls in with three of his cousins and a U-haul of stuff?

Eli and I went through school together and even though we spent a lot of years apart there’s those friends that you can just pick right up where you left off at with. We spent a lot of summers together in the berry fields or harvesting apples, potatoes, corn and everything we could as teens to make a buck. Turns out he came out west and married a Haida girl and he does carpentry building log homes and making furniture.

He brought food too; elk steaks and west coast salmon, some on ice some smoked, and his tools.

Overall the house is a wreck, it needs new roofing and new boards on the outside and inside walls are out of date and all the plumbing and wiring need replaced. There are some great things here too. Irreplaceable hardwood floors, staircases and moldings for the inside of the house. A huge Riverstone fireplace that’ll need a steel flu installed but it’ll be worth it. There’s an old claw foot bathtub and matching sink in the master bathroom and the place is full of old stuff. There are tons of old books and a study that goes with it. Old antique furniture some is one of a kind stuff it’s all over the place from his stuff and his guns and his wife’s clothes and silverware and china to the vintage stuff in the kitchen. My favorite is a stand with three really old acoustic guitars.

The barn and the garage are the same thing really old tools and older farm equipment still in good working condition. Both structures need work especially the barn but I can handle that. The garage is fine except for the wiring and the old cement floor needs leveling. We start to move the old equipment out into the yard or rather the closest bit of pasture this is where we can put the stuff we’re going to need to take out of the house.

If the guys from Antiques Roadshow walked through this place they’d have an aneurism of pure joy. There’s three quarters of a century of life’s treasures here. “God…Thank you Uncle Gerry, I’m not sure I deserve any of this but I’ll try to make you proud and do right by it all.”

I look out the window to the neighbor girl having coffee with the cops. Maybe some good Karma to start with.

I walk myself over to the neighbor girl’s place after the Mounties leave. The yard actually the whole place needs work not just getting things fixed up from what was done here. Nobody has lived here at least for a couple of years and the place has a look that says this is not the first time that stuff like this has happened. She must have either moved in or moved back recently.

Someone drove up her lane and over this nice looking hand painted flower boxes breaking them. I can fix those, it’s mostly just breaks and bent nails.

It’s a nice house, 2 stories plus attic and basement. A nice glassed in front deck and sun porch, probably four bedrooms, two bathrooms; I can see a laundry room in my mind out back. The front yard looks like a front garden that got turned into a lawn and has not been kept up. There’s probably a nice backyard and a clothesline off the laundry room. The place needs painting badly and repairs.

I keep looking it over and see an old garage done in the style of a gable barn it needs work a dirt yard and lane that’s about fifty feet long setting the house well away from the road. Both sides of the property have a line of blue spruce trees at the edges of what might have been pasture. If I’d guess it was a 1940’s to 1950’s small farmhouse converted into a residential home at some point in the 80’s by the look of things. Her family or she bought it as a fixer upper.

I’m looking all of it over when she nervously comes out. I can see her sort of reaching for something defensive, maybe?

“Can I help you?”

“Looks like you had some trouble?”

“Uhm…”

I take off my sunglasses and slide on my normal ones, yeah near sighted and my sight’s not the greatest anymore. Bad eyes to start with and too many things like welding flashes over the years. I can’t stand contacts either, Hell I have trouble putting in eye drops. “Look.”

I start over now that I can see her better.

“Look, miss I’m just moving into the neighborhood and I’m fixing my place up so I just thought I’d offer to fix some of this up for you, seeing as I’m just doing the same thing over home.”

I check out the spray job, that’ll have to be sanded out. I look back towards her and see her get this look. It’s one of the sexiest looks a woman can have. TG or GG you have to have the soul of a woman in my opinion to be able to have that look, and it’s all in the eyes.

Fragile Strength…

I see it in her eyes as she’s talking to me. I’m still a woman, sweet, loving, caring and needing in my soul but watch it because I’ve been through hell…That look. “Yeah you might want to reconsider that..”

There’s hurt in those eyes mixed with pain and fear and other things. I know what’s coming but I’m curious. “Why?”

“Well it’s just I’m really not all that well thought of…”

Oh…She’s warning me off. The whole don’t like me, stay away because I’m a freak thing some people do. I like who I want to and she’s been making that decision for other people a bit too much I think, I but in and introduce myself. “Brandon, Brandon Page.”

And I get the entirely womanly stare for a second of …We are not amused. She get’s pissed a bit and let’s me have it, both barrels. That whole stay away I’m scared you might like me.

“Yeah, okay look, I’m a transgendered girl, so you might want to uhm, not want to bee seen over here and stuff, you know people might get the wrong idea.”

I walk over a bit and she’s backing off a little, okay she’s been through some stuff definitely. I stop well out of reach and look her over just for a second. TG or not she’s very pretty in that; Pretty more than cute or beautiful, hurt but strong, independent but lonely. It’s her personality, her aura I react to first, then her eyes. Icy mountain top blue eyes. She’s lovely, not beautiful but lovely, even in her sweats and after the morning she’s had, she’s lovely. “Hmn, good choice.”

“Are you gay!?” She blurts it out in shock to what I just said to her. She definitely blushes nicely. I smile at her in my weird sideways way. “Nope”

“Uhm, what?”

“You say that a lot.”

She goes into another red flush and it goes pretty far too. She gives me that shy girl look/peek from behind her hair. “I’ll be over in an hour or so to get this stuff fixed up.”

I turn and head for home, hands in my pockets. “It was nice meeting you miss!” I yell out over my shoulder. I’m already really into this girl. I meet different people in different ways all the time but this was one of those meeting somebody special moments for me. God I know she’s TG and I’m already feeling turned on by her, if that’s not a sign I don’t know what is.

“Sam!, my name’s Sam!” she yells back when I’m about halfway there. I can’t help but smile at hearing it and the way she says it, shouts it even.

Now to explain what we’re doing to the guys.

---

Chapter 3: Interactions

Brandon-
I walk over to where the guys are at still busy hauling stuff from the house and carefully moving it into the garage. Eli looks over to me and then to Sam’s place. “What’s up?”

“I just met my new neighbor Sam; some little assholes just kinda trashed her place a bit.”

“Why?”

The guys sort of stop what they’re doing to listen in.

“Well she’s a trans girl here in this small town and there seems to be some that can’t handle it.”

I feel a little guilty outing Sam but these guys are my friends and I long ago learned who not to have in my life.

Bobby and Steve are kind of staring as Bobby speaks up. “So she’s like a dude right? Man, that’s all kinds of fucked up.”

I sigh and both Chuck and Eli are shaking their heads. Steve just looks confused.

“No Bobby it’s not like that, Sam’s a girl, just not a genetic one.”

“Huh? No man, a dude’s a dude and a chicks a chick.”

“Wrong dude, way wrong.”

“But the bible says it’s like wrong and stuff.”

“Bobby, look guy; God’s not about hate, that stuff comes from people. People in the churches and even in like other religions that can’t understand stuff. And they get all freaked out and bent out of shape about it.” I look him in his eyes.

“Sam’s really a girl but just had like a birth defect.”

“Brandon that’s like saying god made a mistake. God don’t make mistakes.” Steve’s nodding.

I take off my leather jacket and my plaid work shirt and tie the sleeves of it around my waist, then tie my hair back. I’ve had this argument before with a lot of people.

“Bobby, Steve, here’s my take on it alright? We did wrong and got kicked out of the Garden of Eden or whatever. God kinda said okay I’m just about done with you guys so you’re on your own. Now the world was a lot more clean back then right?”

They nod.

“So you’ve seen stuff right? Like toxic whatever gets into the air and the water and stuff right?”

They nod.

“So after all this time, all this junk getting into man’s systems and stuff. Then say in the last 2000 years, we hit the big time and things get really strange. We start to mess with radiation and industrial chemicals and all the drug companies stuff. And then there’s all the stuff that gets dumped that we’ll never know about, so we end up with like birth defects and crazy mutations and stuff right?”

They nod.

“So Sam’s got a girl’s soul that got stuck in a guy’s body because of something that more than likely, we did to ourselves over the course of building our society. Her brain’s a female brain and she’s not going against god so much as fixing herself to get to feel like who she truly is. So instead of being against god she’s just trying to get to be who she was meant to be. So she’s actually trying to get closer to god by being true to who she really is.”

They look a little confused, no very confused. I crack a beer and drain half of it. They slowly seem to start to get it. Eli looks amused. He says in French. “That’s as good an explanation as any; I think the whole two-spirited thing wouldn’t have gone over as well.” I nod, take another drink. “It’s not their fault, it’s the way these guys were brought up and they are from a not so liberal rural area.”

Steve looks at me. “Okay but the bible says, stuff about gays being like wrong and a sin.”

I just knew this’d come up.

“I’m not really sure on that guys. There’s a lot of wacky stuff in the bible that just don’t apply today. It was written for the time in which it was being written. For example, I like clams and lobster and those aren’t supposed to be allowed and I don’t keep slaves and a bunch of other stuff that is allowed. But I’ll go this far alright? Hating gay people isn’t in the ten commandments, Jesus told us to set the old aside and embrace the new. So in the new testament, he kinda said to basically just be a good person and don’t treat anybody like crap right.”

They nod. I feel like I’m teaching school here.

“So being a shit to people because they’re different than you isn’t Christian. It’s not loving thy neighbor either plus there’s that judge not lest ye be judged thing. I mean if any of us really sat back and looked at our lives and the stuff we’ve done, even the small stuff and add it up we might not be the oh so nice people we think we are, adding hating somebody for being different is just adding on the pile.”

“But the preachers and the priests and them guys in the Vatican say it’s wrong.”

“Jesus preached on the side of a hill guys, not in a church. Those are just men who are teaching their versions of the faith. There’s a huge difference between the different churches and in the way they interpret the world. To me there’s a huge difference between religion and faith.”

They nod and Bobby goes off again. “But…”

I have to cut him off, the entire argument is circular and to me useless on a global scale.

“Look guy’s it’s like this; everyone who is different is different for a reason, but we just don’t know it yet. I just don’t get the hate thing. I mean we’ve all seen how gay people and lesbians and anyone else who doesn’t fit into the box get treated. So why in the world would anybody choose to put themselves through hell like that? They don’t. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want to fit in with everyone else. The ones who are out or trying to change are just tired of hiding away in shame. They just need to be who they are. Guys in other parts of the world kill people for being gay or just different. If you guys are going to have a problem with it or me or me being friends with Sam you might as well go home now.”

Bobby just smiles a bit shaking his head. “Hell Brandon, I’m not really that big a religious guy. I’m not a gay basher and there’s some stuff you said that kinda makes sense especially for a godless heathen like yourself. Nah, I’m not gonna have a problem with her. Besides I get told every Sunday by my girlfriend’s pastor that I’m bound for hell anyway. Why? Are you into her?”

“A bit, I might be. I dunno, I might not once I get to know her. Hell she could be a flaming bitch too. Trans girls can be just as much of an asshole as anyone else. But yeah…I’m interested. I just want to know if you guys will help me fix the damage that was done to her place. It just needs a bit of work. It looks like it’s been awhile since she’s had a little bit of just plain old human decency.”

There’s a chorus of yeahs and sures and no problems from the guys so I get a few tools and stuff and tell them what looks like it needs doing.

Sam-

I’m all different kinds of confused as I rush upstairs panicked by the guy…Brandon, his name’s Brandon. He said he’d be over in an hour or so. I bump into the doorway to my room and get caught up in my sweatshirt trying to haul it off over my head. I manage to get out of my sports bra without incident then get into the shower.

I’m nervous as hell. I get soap in my eyes because I’ve got too much hair. I’m weird, if you didn’t get that part already. I love my hair, it’s long and awesome until I go to wash it, or get it caught in something. I just don’t have the life experience of living with it yet.

Them it’s conditioner and blow drying, then choosing what to wear. He knows what I am and he said that he didn’t have a problem with it.

Actually he said good choice…WTF did he mean by that? Being me wasn’t a choice?

Back to the clothes, he knows, so should I go girly and surprise him or just dress in my everyday stuff? I’m not good at girly, I’m not one of those frilly girls. I don’t identify with them and I don’t have a clue how to fit in with them.

Okay…decent bra and underpants, soft yellow t-shirt with a scoop neck, and a comfortable pair of jeans and my sneakers. I use a deodorant spray I like; I kinda go for the baby powder scent more than anything else. I brush my hair out one more time and put on a bit of lip gloss.

I stare at myself in the mirror so unsure if I’m going to pass muster as a woman. My stomach’s full of RCAF size butterflies doing rolls and turns.

I’m shaken out of my trance when I hear voices and laughter outside. I steal a glance out my window and there’s like nine guys outside with tools and stuff. Nine guys and just me…I’m scared!

I go downstairs carefully, just in case there’s someone in the house. God I hope not; one, I’m just about browning my panties and two, my place is a mess. No I’m not a total slob, my place is clean, it’s just messy. I haven’t mentally been in shape to really get organized since coming home. I’ve been stuck in a two year rut.

Looking out my window I see two guys, one’s mowing my lawn and another’s cutting out the damaged sod. He’s cutting and laying down pieces of new sod where he’s removed the destroyed bits. I see two native (Indian) teens with garbage bags gathering up the trash that’s around the place, just stuff that’s been there since I’ve been home. I’ve been meaning to toss it myself but I just never got around to it. Another native kid is running one of those whipper snipper things and an older native guy with a white guy is blasting the old paint and the sprayed on stuff off the house with some kind of air-pressure thing. I look around and spot Brandon.

He’s ditched the leather jacket and has his plaid shirt tied around his waist like one of those grunge guys. His tool belt is fastened around his waist and he’s just wearing a black t-shirt and I can’t help but stare. He’s got these huge shoulders and these absolutely ripped arms. The thick broad chest don’t hurt his case either. I’m even digging the long pony tail and the glasses. He’s got a bandanna on made of what looks like silk in a vibrant tiger stripe motif. He looks up at me and smiles.

He said he’s straight and still he’s smiling at me. I kinda stop in the doorway melting ever so slightly. I’ve never really had this happen to me before. I know I’m blushing but I manage to smile back a little and go over to where he’s working.

He’s got several of those folding work bench things out and my heart goes all melty squishy when I see what he’s working on. My mom’s hand painted flower boxes that those assholes drove over.

He’s got them cleaned off and he’s somehow fixed them already. I mean they’re all clamped together so I think he glued them. He’s got a box of all these different colored paints out and he’s restoring the paint job my mom had done when she originally painted them. He’s got this look like he could tear the door off a car if you got him pissed with his huge hands but he’s being really delicate putting them back together the way they used to be.

I’ve got this huge lump in my throat. And there’s tears sliding down my face. I didn’t want to look like this, not in front of these guys but…This kind of guy, this kind of kindness is really out of my experience.

“Ttthh, thank you.” I kind of manage to sniffle out.

He looks at me.

He’s got these big green brown, these hazel eyes that just remind me of a big cedar forest. Gold rimmed glasses in that sort of John Lennon style just take him kind of out of thug/biker into I don’t know what.

“I saw that you were more upset about these.”

“Yeah, my mom made them.”

“They’re special. I can tell.”

“Mom never did much of this kind of stuff and she was really proud of them.”

“Here.” He takes my hand and gently pulls me over to him and puts the brush in my hand. My brain shorts out a little at being pulled over to him. That natural male power and strength bringing me to him. There wasn’t anything harsh or mean or thug like about it. It was just…I don’t…know. Then how gently he’s taking my hand.

“I’m, uhm, I’ve never done this before I might mess it up.”

“No you won’t, it’s too important, besides I know you can do this.”

“How do you know I can?”

“Because you care about it, and you’re your mother’s daughter.”

I turn my head and stare at him. I try to see if he’s messing with me. Brandon just stares back. I might as well try to out stare a mountain. I turn away and try; I really try not to screw it up.

“Good, good. Just relax and picture her doing it. Just like she did the first time, just follow her hand, the lines she used.” His hand is over mine just a bit and guiding it. I swear I can feel her there as I’m painting. It mixes in with him too.

Have you ever had one of those Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore moments like they showed in the movie Ghost with the two of them at the pottery wheel? Me neither. I didn’t even remotely think it was a possibility. Just romance story stuff and stuff from the movies. Now I’m here with Brandon, doing this in the afternoon sun, smelling his scent, feeling his body heat just inches from me. The strength he has in him even though he’s as gentle as can be guiding my hand and the brush.

All that’s missing is unchained Melody playing in the background. I hurt…I literally hurt in the best way ever. I’ve never ached for a man so much in my life.

Then my idiot mouth blurts out. “It wasn’t a choice you know.”

“I’m sorry Sam. I didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did.”

“What do you mean?”

“I meant I guess that, it was a good choice. I’ve know other transgendered people and some never transition. Some can’t, others are just too scared and live a really hard messed up life. I’m just saying you seem perfect like this.”

“Perfect, I’m hardly perfect. I’m not even done yet.”

“No, what I meant you seem completely natural like this.”

“This is the person I was supposed to be Brandon.”

“I know.”

“Yeah? How do you know?” How the hell is this guy so sure of himself?

“I can see it when I look at you.”

“See what?” I turn around and give him the thousand yard stare attempt again. Nothing. He just seems to absorb it. He just says it like saying I’m going to get some milk…

“I can see your soul shining through your skin.”

WTF?

What can you say to something like that?

Oh me and my double jointed leg and my foot must have been needing the security of my mouth as I once more blurts out, “So, what are you some kind of tranny-chaser?”

God why did I just say that? I turn red and lower my head. “Sorry.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t chase anybody.” There’s just a hint of this strength there but also this cocky funniness too.

“So you do this with all the girls?”

“Nope, you’re the first.”

“You seem to know a lot about my condition.”

“Like I said, I’ve know other transgender people, even dated a few.”

“Dated…Like you’ve…”

“Dated. That’s it. If I like somebody more than that, then if stuff happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t and we both had a good time and I made a friend.”

“So you’d sleep with somebody like me?”

“Only if we were in a serious relationship.”

“Really, you wouldn’t be freaked out?”

“It’s just body parts Sam; it’s got less to do with the person than too many people think.”

“But why go out with a trans girl when you could go out with a real girl?”

“I went out with those girls because I liked them and wanted to get to know them.”

“So it’s not a turn on, a fetish thing.”

“No, it’s not a fetish thing. I don’t really have a fetish thing.”

“Oh…”

“Besides” There this warming humor in his voice now.

“Besides what?”

“Only a real girl would stress out so much about this stuff.”

“Hey!” I spin my head around and he starts to sputter on a mouthful of my hair. We both start laughing. I kinda realize he’s kind of holding me. I’ve never actually laughed like this. I’ve laughed before don’t get me wrong but this was different, really different. This is me laughing like a girl, getting to be a girl and somehow he’s taken the stress I have about the way I am away. He’s letting me feel like I’ve always felt I should be.

As a girl, with a really nice guy.

And no bullshit.

God Brandon…please be real, please don’t be fake.

Please…

I think he saw it. I think he felt it. That scared part of me, because he gives me this hug. It’s this big strong gentle hug by a guy with arms like steel and biceps as thick as my thighs. “C’mon this is a bit heavy for the first few hours of us knowing each other. Let’s leave these to dry and go see what else needs doing and I’ll introduce you to the guys okay?”

“Sniff…Okay.” Yes I’m crying again. Just a little but I need to. It’s all so fast and so intense and he’s like nobody I’ve ever met. He even takes my arm as we go over to the two guys working on my lawn.

I’m a bit shy as we go over. The two guys are Bobby and Steve Simpson. Brothers from Black Wells, Alberta and they’re big guys over six feet tall and built. They stare at me? And sort of check me out in the way that guys do. Bobby smiles and shakes my hand like a gentleman. “It’s really nice to meet you miss Sam. I’m gonna be a bit forward and say you’re one heck of a pretty lady considering all the stuff you had ta go through to get where you are now.”

A cold chill runs right down my spine. “Excuse me?”

He looks at me and smiles this big dopey cowboy/boy scout smile. “It just that I’m saying I’d never been able to tell that you weren’t born like this and all. No offence miss.”

He knows! Do they all know?

Oh crap, oh crap, oh, crap, oh crap. oh crap!

I’m dead.

“Miss Sam?”

I’m shaking, I can’t help it. If they all known then…I’m…The tears start to fall.

“Oh Jeaze! I’m Sorry miss Sam, I just shoulda kept ma big trap shut. I didn’t mean to scare ya or nuthin.”

The other guy Steve nods his head. “Yeah me neither.”

Brandon carefully turns me to face him. “Sam, Sam look at me.”

I look at him. I’m only seeing concern in those eyes.

“We all know, and it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t?” My voice is in my quiet shy, I’m f-ing scared mode.

God. Bobby does that thing where the hat comes off in a sweep and is held over his heart, his brother Steve mirrors it like they’re twins. “No miss, it wouldn’t be Christian of us to judge you about nothing before we knew you and such. You’re just trying to be who god made you right?”

Never in my life…I faint. It’s too much.

I’m down for just a few minutes but in that bit of darkness I hear the rotor chop in the background from the lawnmower and I’m back in the rear compartment of the chopper on our way out over of the maze like foothills between Afghanistan and Pakistan. I swear I can feel the side to side movement of the chopper…

No, it’s me being shaken gently. I slowly crack an eyelid, still not quite sure if I’m really here. I’ve actually got this sneaky little thought hiding in the back of my head that I could be dreaming all of this. I could be back in the soft rubber room in Toronto, or I could be in shock back on the side of the road in Afghanistan. I can smell the exhaust from the mower, it lends to the being in Afghanistan feeling. It’s Bobby and Steve that bring me back. Of all things to get me back to the present.

“H’yup she’s a girl alright Brandon.”

“H’yup.” I can almost see Steve nodding agreeing with his brother.

It’s sweet in this cowboy, redneck kind of way. Me fitting his, no their, expectations of a girly archetype. It’s so messed up I couldn’t help but snicker, then giggle.

“I take it you’re okay then?”

“Yeah, I…I fainted didn’t I?”

“I think that’s my fault Sam, I kind of told everyone about who I met when I came over here.”

I look up into Brandon’s face; he’s got this smile in his eyes.

“You told everyone.”

“Yeah I did.”

“Why? I mean, why?”

“They’d have figured it out Sam. Normally nice young ladies don’t have that kind of stuff done to their yard or sprayed on their walls. So I told them.”

“And they’re all good with it?”

“Yeah, we actually try to not be assholes.”

I blush, and stare at him and the two guys still holding their hats but smiling shyly after my fainting spell and giddy fit.

“Sam?”

“Uhm, yeah?” God he smiled a little when I went uhm.

“Where were you just a few minutes ago?”

“Huh?”

“You opened you eyes but you weren’t here.”

“Oh…Why?” My voice can’t help but get a little quieter.

“You look like you were back somewhere bad?”

I look at Brandon and really look. He knows about this, he’s seen it before. I also notice some of his scars under the tan on his arms aren’t from work accidents. I’m a combat medic; he’s seen action of some kind too. There’s a bullet graze scar on the midpoint of his right bicep. I don’t usually talk about this. Then again being who I am now I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Brandon really knowing. It makes a difference.

“Afghanistan. Up over the foothills near the Khyber Pass area I was in a helio that was shot down.” I gesture at the lawnmower. “I guess while I was out the sound and smells kind of took me away, sorry guys.” I see Brandon’s getting it in his eyes. Bobby and Steve are looking at me differently. But it’s not being a freak, it’s respect…?

Brandon helps me up and I’m more than a little shaky. “C’mon lets walk it off and I’ll introduce you to the rest of the guys.” I nod but don’t let go of his arm. We walk around and he introduces me to the two young native boys. John and Josh Taylor, they’re really nice kids about 14 or so and twins. They’re both staring at me. They know, and being teens I know they’re going to stare but. I’m still scared. And Brandon sends them back to work with some words in Haida?

I can’t help but look at him again. He smiles again. “Eli, their dad and I grew up together. There’s a bunch of reserves in the Annapolis Valley where I grew up. My dad knew his dad and made sure I learned Mic-Mac and Malecite.”

I shake my head. “So what exactly did you say to everyone that they…that they seem okay with all of this.” We actually lean against my old beater of a truck and he starts cleaning his glasses with a handkerchief. Who carries those nowadays?, Brandon of course. I’m seeing things in him. Like the explanation of how he explained what’s going on with me. The thing is it’s got me thinking too. I’ve never really thought about myself that way. I mean, there’s these pro-gay churches but I’ve never really liked them. There was always something so kitch about them.

But the thought about me, going through everything I’m going through in order to feel like the me that I’m supposed to feel like, bringing me closer to God?

“Brandon? Do you feel…Do you think that’s true?”

He shrugs then pauses a bit. “Yes, I think I do. I mean I’m not really into it but there’s stuff out there in life you see or do and you can’t help but think about bigger things sometimes right?”

“I’ve never really felt god was there for me.”

“There’s a lot of people out there who feel the same way Sam.”

“But, I mean…if it’s true?”

He sighs, but it’s not a tired one just, world weary. Yet right after he’s taking a big inhale and soaking up the sunshine. “Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Does it help?”

“Yeah, I mean I’ve really got to think about it but it helps mostly knowing that there’s people out there that can think of people like me like this. That what we put ourselves through to feel right in our own bodies. In our own minds it feels so right to us because we’re becoming our true selves and that brings us closer to god.”

“So it helps.”

“Yeah.”

Okay I never thought stuff like this, about God and stuff mattered. But I do feel better?

We go and meet Eli and Chris who are fixing my wall. Actually Eli is cleaning off another side while Chris is putting the first coat of primer on. Eli’s a really nice guy, kind of like the native guy on Law and Order or the movie Wind-talkers but with long hair. Chris is a nice guy too but he’s one of those shy guys with very hot, long blonde hair, blue eyes, who works with his hands. Actually most of the guys are really descent and some even very good looking. But he‘s no Brandon.

Brandon…

Brandon, passes me a set of gloves and a paint scraper. “We might as well do the whole house so it looks right.”

“Why are you guys even doing this?”

Brandon starts scraping and going over the front of the house. “Several reasons. One, it’s never a waste giving a person the benefit of the doubt, because you never know what kind of battles they’re fighting. Two, I like being a good neighbor, and three is Quid-pro-quo.”

“Huh?”

“You can pay me back by helping over at my place.”

“Oh, cool.”

Eli switches with Chris and starts mixing paints while Chris primers the next side. “I never waste a chance to teach my boys about doing the right thing.” he says while working. Chris just nods as he’s spraying. “I like to think I’m a good guy, I wouldn’t be a good guy if I didn’t help people out.” Honestly I didn’t think guys like these really existed. They usually don’t for people like me.

The rest of the morning actually goes by in a really normal way. We talk about what we’re doing to the house and Bobby and Steve start to help us replacing the old weak boards on my front and back steps and then painting them. Chuck’s this French guy who comes over from Brandon’s place with these really great smoked salmon baguette sandwiches and beers. He’s friendly and funny and makes great food, which apparently is why he’s here. To cook for the guys.

He’s another one of Brandon’s old friends from when he worked on an oil rig in the Atlantic.

We just do stuff. We paint and talk and fix things for my place and listen to music from the local soft rock station on my truck’s radio. They treat me like the girl I’ve been fighting to be, even trying to get my own self image right in my head. Spending hours just doing something so normal, being treated like I’m me.

I’m hanging around with nine guys who treat me like a woman. It’s different than I’ve read in TG fiction stuff where the heroine is treated all sweet and stuff, or like the teen I never got to be. No, just a woman. They use manners but not too much and they don’t treat me like some flower. I’m actually treated like one of the guys, but like they’d treat a real girl if they treated her like one of the guys.

I get to spend the entire day like that…I actually forget for the afternoon that I wasn’t born this way. By the time we’re done my yard is fixed and I’ve got a new set of steps on the front and back of my house. The boys, the twins even washed my windows and cleaned up the garage for me. My house has this light, light brown paint on it now with the trims and things a dark brown and small things in white. I can’t get over how pretty it is.

The guys leave but I’m invited for supper. I head inside, tired and dirty and covered in more paint than I thought I had got on me and pretty much ruined my outfit. You know what? I don’t mind. I have a few hours since supper’s at seven, so I actually go a little girl crazy. It feels like there’s been a truck taken off my back. You know how my place just fell behind because it was so hard, just to get going, to get over things. I feel supercharged and end up putting on my favorite band Bon Jovi really loud and find myself dancing and singing along to “It’s my life” in the shower.

I bag up a bunch of clutter left over from Dad and Mom that I never gotten rid of like magazines and old newspapers and just junk really. I set it in the porch and even throw on a bunch of laundry. I hang my girls clothes out on my clothesline for the very first time.

I feel like I’m running up my own flag to the world saying Yes!, I’m a woman!

I take the last bit of time to really get ready. I do my hair as best as I can. I try the same with my make up and just a bit of lipstick and a summery flower print sun dress in yellow with I think they call them brown eyed susans and red daisies on it. I even dab on a bit of my favorite perfume.

I head over next door with an old wooden soda box full of the hard stuff my dad owned. I’ll never use it so I think it’ll be okay to take over. I’m smiling and humming as I head over to see Brandon and the boys.

Mmmn, I can smell the stuff being grilled already.

Henry Wade-

He followed Brandon out here although he already knew where he was going and parked at an access road with a view of the ranch and the old Chase house. He was going to make another offer but then he saw Brandon go over to the tranny’s house.

He didn’t really like what he had seen all day.

He frowned as he watched the tranny freak take some things over to what should’ve been his property. Except some other guy who was doing light work and then stuff with a BBQ, Brandon and his gang had been over her house all morning. He took a drag off his cigar and sipped his coffee.

He had tried to get the fag off the place and when his attempt to bully the freak off of the place for squatting hadn’t worked, he had told a local bunch of red necks who worked the train yard about her. He had bought them drinks a few times and it didn’t take much to get these guys to go and harass him.

Each time they did it, he came a day or two later and offered to buy “her” out. She was wearing down. She…No he, He was weakening, like the little freak he was. It might have finally been time, but no, Brandon hadn’t just messed with his chance at his Grandfather’s ranch but she was literally bouncing over there.

“Yeah, We’ll fucking see about that.” He snapped some pictures of “Her” and the way she was smugly happy and dressed and the house and the women’s things out on the clothesline.

He knew people that’d very predictably lose it when he’d spin how “She” was flaunting it.

The crate of bottles would be a nice touch. One of the pastors in town hated gays but he also hated booze. Hell the man hated nearly everything. He’d go into a frothing at the mouth rage once he got an envelope of these pictures.

Brandon, he’d have to see what his lawyers could do for now. His friends weren’t going to be here forever.

Then, then he’d play in his world by his rules.

He turned his Escalade around and headed back to Bridgeview.

Bridges: Chapter 4

by Bailey Summers

Sam-

The guys have several tents up and there’s tarps over a lot of stuff. They all smile when I come into the garage and the guys that were sitting get to their feet. I liked that it’s really old school gentleman stuff, heck I learned all that stuff in the forces. It’s a standard thing for guys when we’d be at a dress uniform function. Now that the slipper’s on the other foot, I’m liking the treatment.

“Hi everyone, I hope it’s alright but my dad had all this different alcohol that I’m never going to use, so….” I pass the box to Chuck.

“Merci bon chere, c’est manifique.” He gives me a nice kiss on the cheek as he takes it away.

I see Brandon all freshly showered himself. God…He hasn’t shaved so he’s got this bit of a sexy scruffy look and his hair’s loose and drying that way dark, brown with just the hint of steel at his temples. He’s got another plaid shirt on but with only the lowest three buttons done up. Does it ever show off his chest, uhm…yum..? I feel my nipples wake up. He’s got the sleeves ripped off the shirt too with his arms showing all that muscle. He’s wearing faded cut off old jeans that are knee length and sandals. The best part is those gold rimmed John Lennon like glasses giving him this biker, grunge, scholar look.

Did I mention Yum? I’m so not used to these feelings. In every other “relationship” I’ve needed warm up time.

He smiles at me and walks over. “Supper might be awhile so how would you like a tour of the place?”

I’ve never really been here except a few times as a teen. “I’d love one.”

“We’ll have to be careful, there’s a lot of broken stuff, nails and weak boards.” Then he offers me his arm.

“Thank you.” I’m blushing a little.

“I should have said something sooner Sam but you look beautiful tonight.”

“….Uhm, thank you.” Okay now I’m seriously blushing but on cloud nine already. It’s the first time that I’ve been called beautiful in my life. I can only describe the feeling as something inside me purred.

The house is old and beautiful an old ranch style with the downstairs huge and the second floor is practically another house. It had a wrap around porch/deck on the first floor which I’ve always loved and a decorative one for the second story as well. Once inside I can see the mess but also the beauty of the place. A real old time ranch house with the bulk of it being wood and stone. The wiring is a mess and so is the plumbing. We make bits of small talk as to what he’s planning on doing to fix it all. I don’t understand most of it but I’m a nurse not an engineer.

“It sounds like a huge amount of work.”

“It is but the major stuff I’m hiring out.”

“Won’t that be expensive?”

“Well we’re going to gut the furnace, plumbing and electrical ourselves then we’re getting out of here and the hired guys come in, that’ll just leave them to install things and we’ll do the rest. It’ll save a lot of money.”

“I’d think it’d be more expensive?”

“Actually with really good guys it get’s done fast and in a lot better quality than if we tried it.”

“So you can’t do everything?”

“Oh, I could do this, but It’d take me too much time, and it wouldn’t be up to my standards.”

“I’m a bit confused, not up to your standards? How can you not be able to do that if you’re the builder?”

“Oh, I’ve worked a lot of construction jobs over the years and where I know how to do all of these things but I’m not a professional. The guys I’m hiring will be professionals and I know what to expect from them.”

It’s interesting he’ll do that instead of Macho his way through stuff. Then again, He’s a man and not really the boys I’m used to seeing.

We head back to the garage where they’re all hanging out and I get to look through the things they’ve taken out of the house. A lot of it’s really old and beautiful and Brandon’s really in love with those old guitars. They’re really lovely old acoustic cowboy guitars. I let my fingers dance over the strings idly.

“Do you play?” Brandon asks.

“A bit, I haven’t in a long time. My dad showed me.”

He passes me one of the guitars. “Play something?”

“Uhm, I’ll try.”

I take the guitar he passed me and find a place to sit and tune it up slowly listening to the sounds it can make. I start playing one of my mom’s favorite songs. “Yesterday.” by the Beatles. I’m not sure why, probably out of habit really but I start to sing along with my playing.

When I’m done the guys are clapping like I just played at a café with an open mike night. (I’ve always wanted to do that.)

The food’s ready by then and a radio is turned on and we’re using the dining room furniture from the house even with the table insert in. The food is amazing, it turns out Chuck’s a real chef. We have these amazing elk steaks, There’s three salads with lettuces I’ve never heard of, a huge dish of fresh picked local mushrooms fried with butter but I’ve never heard of putting thyme or sherry into them. A bunch of baked potatoes and a potato salad made with sweet potato, grilled corn instead of the usual. We even started with another first for me. Gazpacho? It’s a cold soup, Chuck served it in glasses along with artichokes, I’ve never had those either. I can tell Chuck must be a chef because there’s just so much I’ve never really heard of before.

The guys use manners eating for the most part but don’t go too over board with it. I try a little bit of everything, just a little. I really liked the cold soup though. Chuck makes desert for us a pie? It’s kinda like a tarte? He just took the pie crust and a bunch of chopped fresh fruit and some other things then put the stuff in the center and folded the dough around it and put it and the cookie sheet it was made on, onto the grill and closed the top.

Brandon took one of the guitars and tuned it as did Christian as the guys made drinks for us and we relaxed on various bits of the furniture. They played together and I just listened and sipped my sangria?

(There’s so much here I’ve never had before.)

They play some of my favorite songs too. Brandon has a very nice singing voice as he sings stuff from Nazareth, The Black Crows, The Traveling Wilbury’s, Phil Collins, Guns & Roses, Brian Addams, CCR, and a few others. I love the song “Patience.”, It was awesome when the guys would sing along too especially when they sang “Handle with care.” and “End of the line.”

Christian sung “As long as I can see the light.” awesomely, it moved me. But Brandon sung “Under the bridge.” I don’t know who sings it but, on the acoustic it was awesome.

We talked about music and songs and even dug out the old stereo and listened to some of Mr. Ferguson’s old records. Bobby and Steve liked that as much as they liked rock, they liked country better. Brandon and I like a lot of the same music. When I mentioned Bon Jovi he smiled and we sang “Living on a prayer” together…a lot like the acoustic version.

Desert was served just slightly warm about two hours later with fresh whipped cream. It was really good.

Really, really good.

The guys started to head to their tents, some calling home to their SO’s and stuff. It was nearly ten thirty and Brandon smiled at me as I yawned. “Tired?”

I nodded, yawned again. “Sorry.”

He yawned too. “It’s catching.”

“I should head home.”

“Here, let me walk you there.”

We go to leave and he snags his leather jacket and drapes it over my shoulders. It’s nice and warm because it was close to the BBQ and soaked up just a bit of the heat. I love the smell of it, leather and Brandon with that guy scent mixed in with soap and deodorant or cologne…It does things. I want to nuzzle it like catnip. We walk but kind of keep our hands in our pockets. We don’t really say much, but he walks me to my door. It’s so nice to see my house looking like this.

“Everything’s been so awesome today Brandon.”

“Good, you looked like you needed a good day.”

“Uhm, tell the guys thanks and I’ll cook breakfast for you guys tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to Sam, but it’d be great.”

“I want to.”

“Alright, my place or yours?”

“Uhm, here’s alright.”

“What time?”

“About nine?”

“Perfect. It’ll give me a chance to sleep in.”

We get to the steps and my door. I unlock the front door and take off his jacket and look at him as I pass it back to him. “Thanks, Brandon I've had one of the best days in a long time today.” I lean down since he’s still on the steps and kiss him on the cheek. I want to do more but, It’s too soon, I’m scared still too. I’m not used to feeling like this.

“You’re welcome Sam.” He smiles at me then waits until I’m safely inside. Once I’m in I can’t help but do that lean against the doorframe, such a girl thing.

I get in the wash, after a few minutes still enjoying the feelings and put on some more, mostly my linens and stuff. I know it’s late but I’m just puttering, humming and enjoying myself, enjoying the feelings I’m having and had through the day. Thinking too. I have a lot to think about.

I really clean the kitchen and dining room and living room so it’ll be presentable to the guys tomorrow. I mix up a batch of bread dough and once it’s panned after it’s risen a bit then kneaded down I let it proof overnight and I set out everything I’ll need for cooking tomorrow. I’m going to need some groceries soon. I haven’t bought that much of anything for awhile.

It’s about one twenty by the time I’m showered and gone to bed.

***

6:45 am and it’s hot as hell out already climbing into the 80’s.

I just got in from the base jog and I am in the showers.

The guys from my unit are around me and just over the way I can see the other girls….towels wrapped around themselves the way it should be with me.

I should be over there instead of here.

I’m more certain than ever since Thailand.

I eat a breakfast sandwich and get a coffee and head off to sit in as the CAG starts to go over our assignments.

Three hours later I’m feeling the rise and fall of the helicopter as we fly a back up patrol over the western foothills. I can feel the vibe of rotor G’s pulling through me. I feel the side to side vibration of it through my body. There’s nothing like flying in a combat chopper. Major Wilson our Doctor is talking to Lt. Harrington the pilot. Nathalie LeBlanc is my fellow nurse and field medic and she’s not loving being airborne. Marc Depuis is our door gunner and he’s got sharp eyes and a good guy really.

You know you’d think you’d be chilled a little in an open door helicopter, but in this desert, at this time of day it’s just hot air rushing past you, and around the crew compartments. You’re really hot but it dries you off, and it dries you out pretty fast too. My hair’s too short for my liking, but only the most die hard girly girls keep it long over here. The rest keep it cut short. It’s a small consolation considering no one here on our side is really adjusted to it. My short hair isn’t different from any of the other girls right now.

Everyday since my leave I’ve been obsessing over my revelation. I was never meant to be a guy. It’s been torturing me ever since.

There’s a call on the radio. Our guys out there are under attack.

We bank over eastwardly or tilting down to the right. We’re hanging on to the frame handles. 3 g’s in a tight turn hitting us as we’re at a seventy five degree tilt going close to a hundred and ten mph. I hear the yells of our guys over the radio and our gunner’s cocking the big Browning .30 caliber.

Some of our guys out there are taking gun fire and I see several of our trucks and jeeps and ARV’s getting hit by insurgent gunfire. Then there’s that roar of our machinegun that blends into the tinkling rain of the shells dropping to the bottom of the choppers inside. You’d think you couldn’t hear it over the gunfire or the chopper but oddly you can. And the scent; that smell of hot metal, boiling hot gun oils and powder.

Then we’re down and I’m running out with the doctor and the other medic. We’re dodging bullets and making our way to several of the wounded soldiers. I fire back with my P-90 submachine gun . I’ve got no idea if I hit anyone, at the time it wasn’t my idea. We get two guys pulled behind the cover of the armored vehicles and I’m going for another guy.

He’s screaming and has his right leg just right fucked up. He looks like he took six or so rounds from an AK-47 right to his shin and it’s nothing but long thin bit’s of bone and meat holding his foot on. He’s screaming as I’m working on getting on the pressure bandages to stop the bleeding and tearing open packs of quik-clot with my teeth. I wrap the shin in as much gauze and bandages as I can and even stiffen it with surgical tape. If he’s going to lose that leg it’ll be with the surgeons and not me. He’s screaming and then he’s firing at Taliban guys trying to keep us from getting clear.

I start hauling him in a running drag to cover and I see two Taliban get about thirty feet away before our door gunner cuts into them with the big browning. I see two human beings ripped to pulp by the mini-gun.

Even over the smoke and sand and the scent of gunfire I get that coppery, salty, sweet…

***

I wake up with a lunge. The smell is still there and I swear I can taste the greasy smoke and blood on the back of my throat. I tumble out of my bed and make it to the bathroom to get sick. I’m there awhile just kind of hugging the bowl and trying to shake the images out of my head.

I get up on shaky legs and check my clock. It’s just about 5:47 so I guess this is a good a time as any to be up. I brush my teeth and change into my jogging gear. I pan out two loaves of bread and put them in the oven on a lower temperature. I toss back my meds and my hormones and today I put on my running weights and grab my jogging pack a small bottle of cranberry juice and a water and leave my place not just at a jog but at a run.

I think I’ve said before how much running is something that keeps me sane. I run out the hurt and pain of my life as it is; the memories of being in combat, seeing people die and get maimed and taking another persons life. I push myself until my sides hurt and my lungs are burning. The tears flow from the effort and the pain. I run as far and hard as I can up the hill.

I’m spent and find myself jogging to a stop at a bunch of roadside stones near the top of the hill. I sit, pant while crying and sweating out what’s left of my nightmares. Endorphins are great for getting this stuff out of myself. I calm down as I munch on a granola bar from my bag and drink my cranberry juice. A few swigs from my water and I get up and run all the way up to my usual turn around point then jog back down the hill to my house. I’m checking my watch and keeping my mind on the bread as I go passed my house and see the guys already at it and can heard loud rock music playing until I run down my road until I get to the four way stop that leads to town then turn around and head home. I get in and take the bread out and it’s just about perfect. I put on a pot of coffee and tea then run upstairs to have a very quick shower.

I go through what little girl routine I have and use nair to get rid of unwanted hairs and shampoo and blow dry my hair out and put on my baby powder body spray and spf lotion and just a touch of vanilla rose perfume and some eyeliner and a bit of foundation with spf and some chapstick just for some shine.

I’m actually feeling better as I dress in a cute lacey bra and panties and put on one of my favorite sundresses that’s a pale yellow with what looks like lupin flowers petal bits being blown in the breeze, it’s even a little daringly low cut, or at least for me.

I open up all my windows downstairs and start cooking breakfast for myself and nine guys.

Omg, nine guys.

I set the table first even pulling out the insert for the table and put on one of mom’s nice summer table cloths then the good china because I might as well get use out of it sometime in my life and I start cooking up pans of sausages, ham and steak. I make pancakes and scrambled eggs. I start digging out every jam and condiment I have and smile as I finish stirring the frozen OJ.

I’ve never done this before and I feel so love the feeling of just doing this much.

Then very unlady like I step out to the steps on my new deck and smile and take my mom’s old mountie bullhorn.

“HEY GUYS BREAKFAST!, COME AND GET IT!”

They drop everything and come jogging over, gawd this is going to be fun I think.

Bridges: Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Cass-

I sit in my truck looking at the pictures with the tire tracks and the casts the guys had done. I got the report on the tires and everything last night. It’s one of the few things that wasn’t hard. I scanned the photo into the computer and sent it to several service providers that contract out for us. I knew the truck was olive green from paint rub away from the flower boxes they smashed at Sam Chase’s.

I know that green, red neck let’s cammo-paint our truck kind of thing. There’s only one truck in town that fit’s the bill. I spent two hours researching Sam’s complaints and the incidents…There wasn’t something right there either. I check with dispatch and get a list of the calls and dates and officers sent out there. There’s one that is out there a lot. Derek Wade…wait…Yeah. I was right; when I looked I found a property claim against her property by Henry Wade. He tried to get Sam kicked off for squatting in her home saying she wasn’t Samaritan Chase. Oh I can see he really drug out the big guns, there. When she proved her ID she got dragged through the mud publicly, that’s harassment. I just have to prove it.

I checked Derek’s files and nothing. I checked the cabinets and found it lost in the paperwork shuffle “Misfiled.” I’m the sergeant. Not in my department. I didn’t say anything but photocopied the reports and put the originals on his desk with a note saying for him to write them up and to enter them in the system.

I check on Henry Wade, hmm interesting. He’s been buying up land out that way. I know a lot of the new housing has been creeping out that way because of the hill and the view. I also read there’s a new golf course and country club slated for building permits out there.

Now this is making some sense.

Again I just have to prove it.

That brings me to here. Sitting in my truck after driving around town to find the cammo painted 4x4. I found it out at Dillon’s lodge a cabin rental and high end fishing lodge. I also seen Mr. Wade and his lovely new black Escalade there too. I checked plates and the 4x4 belongs to Rick Blacklock. He’s got a nice long list of priors, as does his brothers and nephews and even his kids. I’ve just got a hunch that something’s up. I filed with dispatch a surveillance notice and drove out to Close to where Sam’s place is.

Its early morning and they seem to know when she goes out for her run. I pull the bronco into the bushes hiding it under the tree boughs. I sit for a couple of hours with my camera and the big telephoto lens. I see Sam leave earlier than usual this morning and take off at a run. I know it sounds unprofessional but even knowing what she was…is…biologically Sam is still a fine looking woman. I kind of get a little lost watching her jog, no run at first like she’s trying to get away from something. I’m really attracted to her, him…her goddess I’m confused, I’m gay well a lesbian and I’ve never been into guys. I’ve never thought I’d be attracted to a girl like her, like Sam Chase. As soon as I met her I fell into deep “Like” of her. Sam’s pretty alright, blonde straight hair, long legs, really nice butt and a rather striking set of C- cups. But it’s those big…in this amazing way blue eyes that have all this soul in them…I had my notions about the trans-girl when I heard about the call about the vandalism of her place. I read the complaints that I knew about then and was expecting…I don’t know? Samaritan Chase? No name change, ex-military? I wasn’t expecting them to be pretty. I wasn’t expecting those big blue eyes to look at me like…

~Are you like them? Are you here to hurt me too? ~

I’m pissed if Derek’s dirty or just being a douche and helping his brother and skimming the law. If she feels this way about us…likely.

That look more than her looks made me want to pull out all the stops on this. And the fact her Mom was RCMP too. If I’d ever get a girlfriend my folks wouldn’t be…squeamish with it’d be Sam. Sort of maybe…

I watch her come back the and then head up the other way she waves to the bikers as she runs passed and doesn’t see me as watch her jog…bouncing…just right as she passes by where I’m parked and goes all the way down to the 4-way stop. I watch her go back home and oddly breathe a sigh of relief when she’s safe at home.

I take a look at the Bikers and they’re tearing the old ranch house apart stuff getting tossed out windows and doors into dumpsters and there’s tarps everywhere and tools and a railway shipping crate. Two classic cars…

After a bit I see them all head over to Sam’s house. She lets them all in and they kiss her on her cheek. Friends then? I’ve known some bikers who were pretty decent guys. They must have helped her fix things up. They certainly have the tools for it.

Another hour nearly passes right on cue I see and hear the 4x4 and I start taking snaps of it and as it passes I see something get tossed out the window and smash out the windshield of her old half ton. I get it all really fast on the camera. Including the license plate. “Gotcha!” I drop the camera on the seat and pull out of the bushes and from under the boughs of the spruce trees and hit the road whipping the ass end around and hit the gas and then the lights and sirens and start to radio it in. The pursuit and I call in another new Officer Andy Mitchell to cover the truck at Sam’s and take statements and evidence.

And of course the just have to think that they can out run me. They might, they know the area better. But I’m trained to drive. I’ve got them dead to rights and I’ve got the radar gun going on the dash and the dash cameras going. The only way they might have a chance is to lose me and ditch the truck. If I don’t catch them in the truck they can say it was some one else who stole it.

We race through these very twisty back roads some dirt and some chip seal covered for nearly and hour going 140-160 kmph. We nearly get hit twice by logging trucks as we take corners…I lose a door mirror the first was that close…There’s tonight’s nightmares. I see the 4x4 slow down as we come closer to town. I’m telling my other officers where we’re going to come out at or near. I see why they slow, not stop but slow. Somebody jumps out of the truck as we go over a bridge and drops down into the river…”Shit, shit, shit!” I call that in too we’re way up somewhere on top of the valley edge and on the outskirts of town. He gets to the first intersection of town before we stop him there with a tire belt. I and 3 other officers approach the 4x4 with our guns out. There’s a teenager behind the wheel.

*** It turns out that his name is Eric Blacklock. He’s 15 and he won’t say a word until his dad gets there. I see Rick and there’s this redneck smug arrogance when he comes in. He’s got a lawyer with him and he ends up saying nothing about who it was who jumped out of the truck. I’ve only got a blurry just on the edge of the dash-cam’s angle shot of the person. It’s not enhance able, and it’s not enough to use in court. Eric’s saying. “I don’t rat on my friend’s cunt.”

“Some friend he’s leaving you to take the heat.”

“What heat?”

“The brick had a note, a threatening one. That’s not just uttering a death threat but with this it’s a hate crime.”

“You can’t prove shit bitch. I didn’t know he was going to throw that.”

“But you drove, you’re an accessory.”

“Bullshit, we was speeding and you was cherry pickin.”

“You tell me who was with you and I’ll tell the crown you’re co-operating.”

“Fuck you; you filthy cock sucking whore, where’s my dad and my lawyer.”

It went like that until the lawyer and Rick showed. Rick Blacklock is the same size as the one who jumped out of the truck. I look at him and he looks at me and smiles because I can’t prove it. He says his son took the truck without his permission, but he wasn’t pressing theft charges. His layer says that Eric cannot be held responsible for the actions of the other person in the truck and since we can’t prove that there was intent he can’t be considered an accessory. Rick’s smug and smiling at us the entire time. “It ain’t my boys fault that people wanna kill it and get it outta our town.” I’m pissed as can be but stay professional. I fight the urge to take out my baton.

In the end we have enough evidence to charge junior with the speed fines, operating a vehicle without a permit or insurance and fleeing the scene of a crime and reckless endangerment, we get to impound the truck as evidence too. Rick looks too happy. His kids a minor and will get a slap on the wrist from this at least the most is juvy. The lawyer will plea it all down too.

We’ve got the truck those, the tires should match the pictures and the castings. It’s a start.

Sam-

The guys come over grinning at me and me using the bullhorn. I get a chorus of good mornings and kisses on the cheeks that leave me feeling a lot better. The guys say it smells really good and Chuck says. “Eet Smell tres marveleu madame. Jentlemen, jentlemen we’s ave to be clean now non? Lave ton miens.” There’s a few looks like ??? And Eli says wash your hands you filthy bums.” Brandon’s the last one to come up the steps and he smiles at me as I greet him. He kisses my cheek. “That smells great.”

“Uhm thanks.”

“Mmmn, the food smells good too.”

I blush at the compliment and his hand touches the small of my back as he holds the door open letting me in first despite me welcoming them all in. Those manners, the way he has about him and that ever so right gesture of how a guy touches a girl really gives me a jolt, a little yet much needed kick start to my femininity.

I let them get seated and Bobby and Steve say grace the rest of us aren’t really sticky about that kind of stuff but we bow are heads and take a moment. It starts slowly with small helpings and manners but like on those nature shows when you see the piranha take that first bite then there’s another then another until the feeding frenzy happens.

I’m feeding seven full grown men and two teen boys…Oh my god…

Everything’s going really good and I’m having a blast. I’m being a good hostess and the guys are eating me out of house and home but I needed to clear a lot of stuff out anyway. It’s such an awesome feeling really. I don’t think the house has ever been this full. We didn’t have much family so Christmas and Thanksgiving weren’t big family occasions.

We even get this whole snow white and the seven dwarves thing going on. Imagine me as snow white. There’s this little girl inside my heart waking up like she was sleeping beauty and she’s clutching herself and spinning in a circle.

I cooked and the guys insisted on doing the dishes. “No guys I can do them.”

Brandon smiled and sipped his coffee. “No we’re not bad guests; we clean up after ourselves just like the dwarves did at Bilbo’s place.”

“Are you calling me a hobbit?”

“No, but are your feet hairy?”

Then he proceeded to grab me and my legs and tickle my feet!

“Brandon! Brandon!, eeek!, no , no, no!”

I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and giggling. So many first for me, giggling, I’ve never been a giggler or said, squeaked Eeek before in my life.

Then of course it had to happen, it had to stop. I heard the sound of a fast big engine and then there was a loud crystalline…SMASH!...I looked at my clock on the wall. “Fuck!” I got up and ran outside in my bare feet. There was a truck speeding down the road too fast for me to get a license plate or a look at it other than it was dark colored. My dad’s truck had it’s windshield smashed, whatever hit it so bad smashed a whole right through it…

I immediately hear sirens and see the lady Mounties Bronco blow past my place in hot pursuit lights going and the siren screaming. I see her vanish up and over my hill heading out of town.

I feel Brandon wrap an arm around me and turn me into his shoulder. This just kind of adds up to the hidden layer of stress that was still, inside me from my nightmare this morning. I can’t help it. I’m hurting like somebody punched me in the heart and it took the wind out of me. I cry on his shoulder for a few awhile and the guys are out looking at things, some are cursing. “Why? Why are they doing this to me.” Brandon doesn’t answer, not verbally he just has this look in his eyes that yeah, we both, we all know why and he kisses me on my forehead and holds me some more. I really like this feeling, warm from his touch him holding me. Large muscled arms around me, the bulk of his body shielding me, keeping me safe. It feels good despite what happened. I like being held and feeling…I like not feeling alone.

Eli’s on the phone to the cops and his boys come back from acrossed the road with a camera and the guys start taking pictures. Eli looks over after turning off his phone. “There’s an officer already on their way out here.”

“There is?”

“That’s what they said, It looks like they were waiting for something to happen.”

“Yeah.”

Brandon sets his chin on my shoulder from behind, he’s still holding me. “Hey, it’s not that bad Sam, at least they’re finally taking this seriously.”

“Yay…the cops are finally listening to me…” Just a little sarcasm in my voice.

I can’t help but still look at the windshield of the truck, I lean back against him. “Brandon?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for this.”

“Mmn, thanks for breakfast.”

“No I mean it.”

“Sam, there’s no reason you should have to thank people for being decent human beings.”

“Yeah but just decent people don’t just hold someone like me. The comfort means a lot you know.”

“It’s all part of my evil plan.”

I turn my head enough to look at his face a little. “Evil plan?”

“Mmn, to seduce you.”

I laugh, it’s that preposterous.

Brandon’s hand comes up and turns my head a little more until he kisses me. It’s…It’s not my first kiss from a man but it’s certainly the best. There’s that little just right to a girl touch of stubble and this gentle masculine pressure that sort of demands to be yielded to and returned. It’s a kiss that infects you like his masculinity attaches to the estrogen in your bloodstream and wakes your skin all over your body to the point there’s this swell of heat a swoon through your body and an ache for more in your heart and in your breasts…It’s an ache for more in the best possible way.

No one’s woken that really feeling like a woman feeling in me before. I’ve been aroused before but not ever had I ever felt like this.

It’s the fact that I can tell Brandon actually gives a shit about me, me and knowing what I am. And he’s kissing me anyway. I just start to kiss him back when the mountie cruiser pulls up. I break the kiss and look at him. He lick, tastes his lips tasting my liploss. It’s a killer like satisfying thing to watch a guy do ladies. “So, I think it’s safe to say I like you Sam.”

“I…Yeah, I think I got that bit. But..”

“Yeah you’ve got a nice butt.”

We could have gotten into more flirting and stuff but the mountie was getting out of his cruiser with his own stuff. He’s another new constable and he comes over and talks to us getting our statements. And It gets me upset all over again. This time it’s not just Brandon who comes to comfort me. In different places during the interviews each one of the guys comes over and hugs me. It’s just such a thing this being loved and accepted by this bunch of guys. I shed a few happy tears mixed in with the other tears. Even the Constable after making sure that I’m Samaritan Chase referred to me as Miss, and not once did he look at me like I was anything less than a real girl.

It takes a couple of hours because he’s on his radio a few times. Brandon gives me a nudge. “Call your insurance guys and get stuff ready, we’ll get the constable to talk to them and explain things. It’ll speed things up with these guys a lot.” The insurance guys are a little tense once they hear it’s me, once they realize who I am. I try to explain what’s happening and they keep cutting me off mid-sentence talking about policy stuff that where I parked and…The constable holds his hand out for my phone? I pass it to him.

“Hello this is Constable Andrew Mitchell, I’m on the scene of the vandalism and was called in by the sergeant who had caught the vandalism on camera as it happened. Now as Miss Chase’s truck is well away from the road this wasn’t an accident of something falling out of the window of a fast moving truck.”

There’s a momentary pause on his part. He takes out his hand recorder he’s been using for notes. “Uhm, I’m not sure I’m getting what you mean sir.” He puts the recorder to the ear piece of the phone. Then stops taping after what was said, was said. “Sir, we’ll be down to your offices as soon as possible. I think there has to be a discussion between all the parties involved. Oh and Mr. Murray please have Mrs. Armstrong join us for the meeting.”

“Oh, yes I’m sure we’ll have to bring your employer in on the discussion after all this is a police investigation.”

He hangs up after that and passes me back the phone.

“What’d he say Constable?”

“Nothing I’ll repeat or play back to a lady Miss Chase.”

He goes over and puts the brick that was inside my truck and puts it into an evidence bag, there’s a note in it. He puts it into a manila evidence envelope and I look at him. “I want to know what it says.”

“Miss Chase, It’s not a good idea.”

“They sent that as a message to me.”

“No Miss Chase I’m afraid it was a message for us more than you. It’s telling us that we need to clean this town up.”

“I want to know what they said.”

Brandon puts his hands on my shoulders and pulls me back to him. “Sam, Sam…he’s right, it’s just going to be more of the same bullshit so why torture yourself with it. You don’t need that kind of pain right now.”

He looks at me like he can see into me and can see the guilt I carry in me. “You don’t need to keep punishing yourself.” He hugs me and holds me. “You don’t have to be guilty for being yourself, for changing. You don’t have to feel guilty about surviving either.”

I collapse into tears that I’ve been holding back.

My parents didn’t, wouldn’t ever know the girl I am. Would they have hated me?

Afghanistan…I feel like part of my soul is still over there, I was a medic and a nurse and I should have been saving lives, not killing. Not killing kids…

Brandon…Holding me, knowing like he’s plugged into me. It’s a flood I can’t stop right now, he knows, he knows and it’s out there…He holds me and sits on the front of the Mounties’ car then gently pulls me up into his arms.

Bridges: Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Sam…

The guys stay with me as Constable Mitchell calls the tow truck. The guys get ready too Eli is going to stay here with his boys and look after our places and Brandon and the rest of the guys go and get their stuff on and Their motorbikes to come into town with us. I catch a ride in the cruiser with the Constable as he orders the tow truck to be taken right to Armstrong insurance. He does smirk at the guys following us through town seven big guys in leather and denim on big motorcycles rumbling through town.

We definitely draw a few eyes and stuff as we drive kind of convoy like through town eventually stopping at the insurance company. I get out of the cruiser and so does the Constable as well as Brandon gets off his Bike and comes in with me.

We get to the counter. The Constable looks at the secretary. “We have an appointment with Mr. Murray and Mrs. Armstrong, I’m Constable Mitchell and the young lady with me is Ms. Sam Chase.” She looks at him then at me then does the whole thing again. She picks up her phone and says. “Mrs. Armstrong your one o’clock is here.” She looks at us. “She said she will be right out as soon as possible.” I’m getting looked at by her, stared at and studied looking at the flaws in my presentation to the world. I’m used to it.

I feel like I’m being weighed and found wanting. Brandon leans against the counter like he’s… Brandon and fixes the girl with a stare. “Why don’t you go pour us three coffee’s Miss since we’re here to see Mrs. Armstrong, I’m sure she’d be impressed with your professionalism.” The secretary slips off to get us three coffees. I shake my head as he just kind of got her to get away from me and fetch coffee and she didn’t even get the dig he threw in about her being a professional. He gives me a flash of a smile and I can’t help but smile back. We’re just taking the first sips of our coffees when a smartly dressed 40-50 something woman comes out. She shakes each of our hands firmly introducing herself. “Good morning, I’m Catherine Armstrong and just what problem is happening that you needed to talk directly to me?” There’s a 30 something man with a thick mustache with her in a ugly brown polyester suit. This is the agent for this claim Arthur Murray.

Constable Mitchell looks directly at the woman. “This young lady (He gestured to me.) is a customer of yours. She has had some damage done to her windshield by vandals in the commission of a hate crime.” Several heads rose when he mentioned that phrase. Vandalism is a very different thing to most people than a hate crime. Most decent people get upset about such stuff in their towns. He continued. “When she contacted your offices she was put into contact with a one Mr. Murray who had told her bluntly that she hadn’t a right to a claim to the damages as she Incited the event in her choice of life style.” That’s when Mr. Murray spoke up. “Here now, I never said any such thing about or to …them (he indicated me with a dismissive wave of his hand.) Catherine this kid’s just out of the academy and he’s just looking to cause some drama to get brownie points with his bosses.” The Constable just sipped away at his coffee and waited then continued like the guy hadn’t said a word. “I had taken over the call at this point when she was from what I could see clearly upset. At that point Mr. Murray told me.” He holds up a single finger in a wait gesture then replays his hand recorder. We all hear Mr. Murray’s voice start saying.

“Look Constable I’m going to make this easy for you. They’re a trouble maker, and they’ll drag you down if you don’t let this go kid. They’ve been told they aren’t wanted in this town and have been given lots of very good offers to get out of here. Let it go and you’ll get the right co-operation from the right people.”

Mr. Murray blanches and Mrs. Armstrong looks like someone shoved an unwanted hand up her skirt. You know first shock and then anger. Brandon says in this very cuttingly dry way. “Hell of a way to treat a armed forces Vet, especially a combat medic.” There’s a pregnant silence in the office and instead of me getting stared at like a freak. They’re looking at me with this different look. They look like He shamed them. Somebody I couldn’t see muttered. “Fucking douche-bag.” It took several moments for Mrs. Armstrong’s reaction to coalesce into that fine point rage that older women in positions of authority seem to get. “Mr. Murray, you are fired as of immediately, since you have handled all of MISS Chase’s insurance claims we’ll be looking all of your cases over to see if you’ve been defrauding MY company.”

He goes from white to red and almost purple. Then pushes past us storming out and he takes a chance to try to clip me with an elbow as he goes past. I’m swept out of the way by Brandon and he takes it in the face…I barely saw Andrew Mitchell move that fast and in a violent crash Mr. Murray is on the floor through the coffee table in the waiting area with Constable Mitchell on his back cuffing him. “Mr. Arthur Murray I’m placing you under arrest for attempted assault and assault causing bodily harm. You have the following rights…” He goes on as he hauls the guy out to the back of the police cruiser then gets on his radio.

Mrs. Armstrong looks at me. “Miss Chase, I’m so sorry about everything that’s been happening and I’ll have your truck repaired immediately as well as I said that we’ll be looking into all your past claims and other things to see if he’s committed other acts of fraud.”

I look at her. “Thank you…I…I never wanted to come home and cause trouble. I just, I just wanted to be myself, who I know I am…” I can’t really finish, I’m too upset and just tap/gesture at myself. Brandon wraps an arm around my shoulder and turns me so I can cry on his shoulder…Brandon…He took a hit for me. Only a few people have ever done that for me, all of it in the service. But this is the first time anyone has protected me as the girl I am. I look at him and there’s a bit of a bruise and a line of blood coming down a little from the corner of his mouth. The bleedings stopped and there’s some swelling but he did that..took that for me.

Now my tears are for the first knight in shining armor I’ve ever met in my life. Even if he wears dusty leathers and denim and drives a Harley instead of riding a horse.

My life’s been full of a great deal of suck in the last five years with being at war and transitioning. I was sinking into depression and becoming a recluse…All of this was turning around since Brandon showed up.

There’s another Mountie that shows up and he comes in and starts to ask questions and taking statements from all of us. He leaves with Constable Mitchell who did check to see if I was okay and to see if Brandon was going to press charges for assault. Brandon nods. “Absolutely.”

He takes me outside and the guys come around and ask what happened. Brandon gave them a recap and I’m getting these beautiful hugs from the guys and I’m tearing up from these guys just being so giving and supportive for me. Mrs. Armstrong and a few others come out and walk up to us. She extends a hand to me. I take it and we share a handshake. “Miss Chase I’m so sorry about the things that happened and we just want you to know that…That Man…does not speak for the rest of us and that we’re deeply sorry but we’re also deeply thankful for the sacrifices you’ve made for us.”

I smile at her and the others a bit shyly as they come and shake my hand and thank me and say they’re sorry for having to go the things I have. It’s a bit, no very overwhelming but in a good way. My tears keep coming as I’m feeling like I’ve just been given a reprieve and that it’s okay to be myself. I’m not used to having the pressure off and thanks to my hormones I’m able to cry this out. I’m even hugged a couple of times. I’m worn out by the time I’m done. Brandon talks to Mrs. Armstrong and she’s nodding a few times and then she talks to the tow truck driver who pulls away with dad’s truck. She comes forward and passes me a sheet of paper and a card. “I’ve sent your truck to Porter’s Auto body here’s the paper’s you’ll need and they said they’ll call you when it’s ready, and here’s a voucher for Budget car rentals until you get the truck back.”

“Thank you, This is more than kind of you.”

“Nonsense it’s the least we can do literally.”

We part ways and Brandon passes me a helmet. “We’ll go and get you a car, then something to wind down?”

“God yes, please…I know you’ve got stuff to do but..”

“It’s okay Sam, I get it.”

“Yeah, I know you do thanks for that Brandon.”…. “Brandon?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for being there, being here, protecting me.”

“Like I said It’s all part of my master plan to seduce you.”

“Brandon…I think it’s working…”

I put on the helmet and lean forward to press my breasts against his back and hold onto him tightly and smile. I’m really starting to like him….It hurts a little that I’m not right yet as much as it feels good the he doesn’t care about that.

I enjoy the feeling of holding onto him as we drive through the streets of town. There’s a close personal feeling of having him in charge of the safety of both of us. A very nice warm feeling coupled with the feelings I’m getting from being on a machine with this kind of power. It’s my first time on a motorcycle and I’m really enjoying it. I almost don’t want the ride to end by the time we get to the car rental place. The entire ride I rested my head against his broad back just under his neck.

I rent a nice if kind of girly new model Volkswagen bug in a nice blue color. I like it more that the Saturn’s or Hondas or Toyotas they had there. They gave me no hassle and I didn’t get any weird looks except at my name on my ID. And that was just that the young twenty something had never seen anyone named Samaritan before. It was a bit of a relief not having the whole gender thing come up.

Brandon’s leaning on his handlebars as I get into my car. “So, where to now?”

I sigh. “I don’t know…”

“How about the beer store then some take out and we’ll go home.”

“Okay I guess.”

We still kind of drive through town as a group and I’m kind of down, drug out by everything that’s happened today. I’m crying quietly at the lights and we make our stops at the closest beer store and the guys get a bunch of stuff at KFC. There drive home is just as tiring for me. I pull into my place instead of his and go inside. I just toss my keys on the coffee table and fall sideways onto the couch. I’m kinda out of tears and just stare for awhile off into space before closing my eyes and taking one of the big cushions and pressing it to my stomach in a death grip of a hug and rollover so I can bury my face into the back of the couch. I cry without any tears happening and I’m just swamped by hurt until I’m just shaking and crying out anguished sobs, little tortured screams at just life.

I never asked to be born like this.

Nobody in their right mind would.

I knew something was wrong with me all my life but never knew what.

I became a nurse because I wanted to help people, heal them.

I went into the armed forces to pay for it. To get away from home and see if some new places would’ve shaken me loose of feeling different.

I never wanted to see people dying from IED’s or chopped to burger from gunfire, or taking lives, shooting children…holding the hands of kids my own age that I knew from base, played baseball with ate with…I watched them die as I held their hands. I’ve gone out with the team that you’re supposed to be tighter than tight with and have been the only one to come back from that desert hell-hole alive…sort of…

You get back from there and there’s people who don’t fucking understand what it was like. What it is like. There’s those that don’t get it and they don’t want to. They look at you like you’re a monster just for getting through it alive. They call you shit like a government thug, puppet and baby killer. It’s enough to kill what’s left of you inside when you come back from getting shot at for your country, for them, because you swore an oath.

Then you come home fighting your own war inside your head, your heart and your soul filled till you’re crazy with PTSD and they’re taking they’re shots at you. They’re not using guns but Y’know there’s times I’d take the bullet over the feeling of betrayal. I get those older Vets, the guys who fought in places no-one should’ve. Somalia for a lot of Canadians, The Middle East, Yugoslavia…for my guys and girls in the states shithole like Vietnam, Kuwait, Iraq…

We fought, killed, left parts of our souls fighting in those places. We seen kids die, we shot people who just…we get to see some kid or fellow soldier with their legs blown off and for what? For those people we fought for to take verbal shots at us and spit on us so they can shop at fucking Cost co. so their kids can run around without a care…

And they bitch about us being fucked up…They treat us like it’s our fault…and they wonder why we freak out. Why so many of us end up just not being able to take the pain inside anymore.

It all comes out in this crying screaming fit. All those pent up feelings and today becoming this soul and gut wrenching perfect storm inside of myself. Unless you know this pain you can’t get it and as much as I hate it. As much as any one us who know it hate it. I’d take another bullet to keep someone who hasn’t felt this from going through this. There’s a lot of us that would.

It’s the hand on my side rubbing gently that does it. I can hear Brandon making soothing sounds as I’m crying. My body did an involuntary jump at the first touch…then I’m not alone…It’s the first time I’ve never been alone when I get hit by these times. I lose it. I cry so hard my voice cracks on me, I cry so hard I want to die. I don’t I did hyperventilate and end up passing out from that…a blessing really.

………..I wake up and it’s dark out and I can smell KFC in the air and there’s candles lit lighting up my living room. Chris is playing idly on one of the guitars and Brandon’s got his back to the foot of my couch and my arm’s draped down hanging off the couch. I must’ve rolled over while I was out. He’s holding my hand…then my eyes kind of adjust to the candle light and they’re all here. In the dark, in the candlelight sitting a vigil for me.

All of them, here…for me?

All of them here for me…It means…There are no words for this, the heart these guys are sharing with me…Being my bridge to feeling and maybe even being human again.

Bridges: Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I just lay there awhile surrounded by the guys. I’ve never really known such friendship or even such solidarity before. I stay like that for half an hour in the quiet with my sentinels there watching over me and doing these soothing quiet little things. Brandon's there holding my hand gently rubbing it with his fingers. He’s such a rock for me lately and I’ve only known all of them for just a few days. He’s nursing a beer and watching everything. The way the candlelight plays through his long hair and that strong jaw line with it’s stubble and the bit of red/purple at the corner of his mouth where he took that elbow to the head for me all of it gives him this look. Those gold wire framed glasses of his add to it.

The male lion, watching everything in stoic grace the lord of all he surveys. He’s no where near one of those really educated and well off types. But there’s this quiet strength about him, Brandon has it so much it’s powerful. Honestly I think it’s why he’s got friends like these here dropping stuff in their lives to help him. They are a good measure of the man too.

Eli looks like he’s been carved from cedar in the candlelight and he’s writing on a large pad of paper. He’d look almost mystical and sacred if he wasn’t sipping on a bud lite. His boys are both sitting quietly one drumming along to whatever’s on his I-pod and the other is texting someone.

Chuck is doing some kind of food prep with vegetables as busy work. That’s actually a familiar thing to me. On base if you couldn’t sleep the Master-cook would let any of us come in and peel spuds. Just something to dull your mind, it helped actually.

The sweet redneck biker Alberta Brothers Bobby and Steve are both engrossed in a chess game. Their actually pretty good I think but I’m no student of the game. I learned because my parents actually played each other.

Chris is playing a guitar in this quiet rambling melody. He starts to change over to an actual song after a bit. I have no idea of what it is. It sounds like he’s playing Spanish guitar I think.

I squeeze Brandon’s hand and he tilts his head back to look at me. He’s looking at me for a thoughtful moment then asks. “How are you feeling?”

“Better…” My voice is a little hoarse, my throat’s dry too.

He pulls a bottle of beer out of the case. Opens it for me then passes it to me. Its fizz burns a little but the beer is welcome. I don’t drink a lot, never did I’m a light weight a 12 pack will last me a month. I drink about half the bottle before setting it down and cover my burp. “Excuse me.” The guys just smile. I smile back; it’s a little weak and probably lopsided. “Guys, I really can’t say how much you guys mean to me right now…you guys being here. It’s really above and beyond.” There’s a few it’s no big deals, and it’s what friends do and of course from Chuck. “Eet is juste le same ting you would do for anyone of us, non?” I can’t help but be cheered by that and sit up so I can be a bit more sociable. I’m done my second beer pretty soon and I’m very much enjoying the greasy KFC right now. The whole thing is actually helping me a lot. There’s something to be said about a few beers and bad food that tastes so good when you’re with friends.

Oddly kind of like a throwback to a few times while I was in high school and a few times on base we just sat and ate and talked while we traded off playing chess. None of us were very good and we played for awhile and Brandon had gone to the bathroom and had come back with his leather jacket and the two helmets. “Care for a late night ride?”

I get up quickly and take the helmet and we go outside. Brandon pulls on his plaid flannel work shirt and he holds open his big leather jacket for me to wear. I accept the knight’s gallant offer. I lose myself in the smell even as I put it on. It’s His smell and leather with undertones of sawdust and gasoline blended in over the years. I have a very real and visceral physical reaction to it. It’s very arousing. I smell it again…oh yes… “Mmmn, I love the smell of leather.” He just smiles that little Brandon smile and adjust some thing on the bike and both helmets. He turns the Harley over and it begins to rumble. I zip up his way huge on me leather jacket and pull on the helmet. I hear over everything in my helmet. “You ready?”

“Uhm, yeah…are we on two way?”

“Yeah it’s getting more common with more people bike touring in groups now.”

“Oh, Yeah I’m ready.”

We pull away from the house and we take off turning right up my jogging road but cresting the hill. We’re not really going fast just cruising, out for a drive. It’s a return to a lost feeling actually a left over from high school, but tonight its better and that and simpler it’s just nice to be doing this. I love the views too as we drive the road goes up a long ways climbing around and into the foothills that are the nestling spot for Bridgeview. Once we’re up on the crest it’s beautiful. It’s all chip-seal up here the last bit of it before you hit the various logging roads and as we drive there’s this wall of evergreens and slopes that lead into looking at the peaks of the mountains less than ten miles away. And the other is looking out over the tops of these huge foothills seeing town below us and the pacific beyond that. All under the light of the nearly full moon, Brandon has music piping into the helmets as we drive. Just driving like this to Hendrix’s “Hey Joe” just added this soulful mood to the whole experience.

We drive all the way from my side on the north end of town to quite far around the entire valley to where we come out really far south of town down to the coastal highway rote called The Sea to Sky highway. For most of the journey I’ve gone back to having my head back on his onto his back between his shoulder blades. I feel good like this, there’s a wonderful sense of peace that washes over me as we ride and I close my eyes and feel the tension wash away from me like its getting left behind us as we drive. It’s so easy being like this with him. It’s supposed to feel like its easy when you think your falling in love with somebody.

Am I falling in love with him? Can I fall in love with anybody? I’ve been depressed for so long I’m not sure. I could be just reading too much into finally feeling better? Normal?

Or I could just be my typical neurotic self and be reading too much into things and doubting too much of everything all at the same time. Great If I was Jewish and wasn’t a trans-girl I’d be a Woody Allen movie. (Ick, too whiney.)

It’s almost like he can read my thoughts and the bike speeds up, actually the bike speeds up a lot. Those thoughts I just had are left behind us as we speed down the highway. It’s still late in the night/or really early in the morning and there’s a bit of traffic mostly truckers and we’re leaning as we pass them or take some of the corners on this strip of road. It’s exciting; it’s scary because this is dangerous driving/riding honestly it’s how a lot of people get hurt. But Y’know he really knows how to drive, how to handle this machine and keep us safe. The combination of all of it gets me going inside, burning a little in my skin, I’m very aware of my breasts right now my nipples taut and perky rubbing against his leather jacket.

This stretch of the provincial highway is breathtaking and I really haven’t been through here a lot especially after all the work that had been done on it for the winter Olympics. For the most part it’s carved out of the cliffs that are right next to the shoreline of British Columbia so there are these huge cliff walls you can almost reach out and touch but on the other side of the highway the water is really close. In the headlights of the Harley and the moonlight it’s almost cinematic.

Brandon pulls us into a truck stop after about a half an hour and we shake off the saddle butt feeling from riding so long. “It’s a good thing we stopped because I really need the ladies room.” He smiles a little and stretches. “I figured you might, good place though. We ate here on the way up. I think it’s a good time to get warm and coffee up.”

It’s one of those combo places you see all the time. Just off an over pass with a big parking lot for the cars and the truckers but also the attached diner with the motel and convenience store. It’s actually fairly busy and I’m still a little self conscious going to the ladies room. Yes I sit to you know, even at home. I wash my hands and use my fingers to fuss with my hair. I should’ve brought my purse. I feel like I should be doing something girly y’know make up wise.

I meet Brandon in the diner part where he’s having a coffee up at the counter. I sit down on the stool and fold my legs and try to look a bit more girl like and not the late night wreck that I really look like. I order a coffee too. “I uhm left my purse back at the house.”

“I’m the one who asked you out Sam, I pay the way on my dates.”

“This is a date?”

“I guess, I mean sorry if you’re not having a good time.”

“Actually I’ve been on worse.”

“I didn’t think you dated.”

“Not since coming home, but I had been seeing people and dating when I lived in Toronto.”

“So you being home then, I take it neither place really agreed with you?”

“I loved living in Toronto really; it’s a beautiful city really. I miss it more than certain people that lived there.”

“They had a problem with the way you are?”

“Actually no, they were pretty great about it though if a bit weird with a couple of them saying I should just stay and live as a trans.”

“Was there a big trans community there?”

“No, but there were some but more lesbians and bisexuals and gays. But they were all new wave chic liberal arts types.”

“So not your scene?” Okay Brandon actually sounded hopeful about that. Yeah I can really see him hating those people and places. I’d love to see one of them try to argue or try to tell him about the plight of the poor working classes.

“No, sooo not my scene but I was seeing this girl who was an artist and it was her crowd.”

“You were seeing a girl after you started transitioning?”

“Yeah…Let’s just say I’ve explored myself looking for my place in life. I’m still not 100% on my sexuality I’m only sure that this is my right gender.”

“Can I ask you…”

“Yes Brandon, I like men…nice ones at least.” He smiles a bit and just the hint of a blush before he recovers.

“So uhm, you were saying about her? Why’d you break up?”

“She hated the fact I was a soldier and she hated the fact that I was a trans. She‘d make use of those parts of me then go off on one of her men are evil tirades and even blame me for still having my boy parts. She‘d accuse me of keeping them on purpose to hurt her. It wasn‘t a good time or place, she treated me like a leper in our own apartment and was worse in front of our...no her friends. Actually being with her nearly killed me. It was a really abusive relationship.”

“Bad?” He has this hint of worry? In his tone, protectiveness even, maybe?

“Oh yeah, I had a stress induced PTSD nervous breakdown.”

“I don’t want to sound like your ex…” I laugh, interrupting him. “Oh It’s that bad I still call her what the shrink said that treated me did.” He tilt’s his head ever so slightly, interest? He uses body language more than words. “Okay, then I don’t want to sound like…”

“She-who-shall-not-be-named.” I supply.

“But why haven’t you transitioned all the way yet, you have to be done your year of RLT.”

I nod then take a long slow sip of my coffee, Not bad but I’m an Tim’s girl. They sent and set up a volunteer outlet for the troops over there. It’s a love and loyalty thing. The waitress come back over and asks us if we want anything else. We both order pie. I get lemon and he gets apple…heated with a shot of soft ice cream on top of it. The lady looks at me staring, then at him, then at me. “Sammy Chase?” excuse her, she knows me?

“Uhm, yes…?”

“I thought that was you, dang girl you’ve grown up! I haven’t seen you since you were yay high.” She gestures to her waist.

“You knew me?”

“Oh honey, just a little. I knew your mom though she used to stop in here a lot back in her early days. Her and your dad used to meet here on her breaks during her shifts on patrol before you were born and after even. He used to bring you in with him a lot.”

“Wow, uhm that’s a long time ago.”

“I know but seeing you here this hour of the night you look so much like Amber I was already thinking it but it all kinda clicked when y’all ordered the same thing.”

I’m confused looking at the stuff she set down. She was getting all of it as we were talking. Brandon has the cutest look of Huh? On his face for a second before he gets this look. You ever see someone get a pure pleasure moment? He’s getting something like the way I would with chocolate out of this. He takes a bite letting the soft ice cream melt away in his mouth just cooling the hot pie. His expression says it all for me…foodgasm. There’s this whole, strange nipple tightening deja-vu moment for me and it hits me in a soft flood of childhood memories…”Yeah, I remember Mom…and Dad used to order the exact same thing…Delores right?” I said it all a little pre-occupied but smiling. I offer her my hand and she shakes it then pulls me into a hug. “My gawd girl you look the image of your mama. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your dad’s funeral. Ryan was a hell of a guy.”

“I didn’t get to be there for it either. I was in the hospital in Germany.”

“Waffor?”

“I got wounded in action in Afghanistan. Bad enough I’m out.”

“Permanently?”

“No, I’m out a minimum of three years then I get a psyche review. I’m a battle-field medic and military RN so they do want me back if they can get me.”

Brandon’s nodding as he eats and looks interested too at the conversation in general. I see him look up though with a flicker of his eyes. I see two older but big old trucker guys come our way. The older guy with some grey in his beard speaks. “Sorry but we couldn’t help but overhear…You're Ryan Chase's daughter?”

“Yes…” I’m nervous because if he knew dad…I don’t have siblings.

He offers his hand. “Your old man was one hell of a fire fighter, I worked a couple of bad forest fires with him. Good man, heard he went out a hero?”

“Yeah….(I’m wiping a few tears away.) He took off his mask to feed some kids air during a fire set in one of the group homes in town. They couldn’t get out or something and he used his air to save those kids…” The guy slides his hand up to grip my forearm too. It’s a warriors handshake, it’s an old thing used by military types forever. He smiles at me. “And I see or I guess heard his little girl is a Vet injured in the line and a combat medic to boot. It’s and honor miss…” I smile and return his grip and give him a slow shake. “Samaritan, but people just call me Sam.” He smiles. “Look I’ve got to hit the road. Take care okay?”

I hear the other guy who’s paying at the cash. “That girl talking to Jonesy, she served. Anything she wants you put it on my account okay?” the girl at the cash nodded and wrote something down. I’m a little stunned. I give the two truckers a smile and a nod and a wave as the leave and I get a tip of the hat from both of them. I quietly eat my lemon pie. It’s a bit blurred in my head, I think I might have been five or six when I was here…It wasn’t a Petro-Canada station then it was..a Texaco I think. It’s all had a face lift but things are still in the same place. I kind of drift…I can sort of remember here, and Dad carrying me in out of the truck. Me being carried by my dad. That’s a nice memory, a nice feeling.

It’s kind of nice that people remember Dad like that. I watch Brandon eating his pie, it was dad’s favorite order. But he never enjoyed it like Brandon is. I take a sip of coffee.

“I was put into the psyche ward at Belleview for two weeks after everything at Toronto. The doctors wanted to really have things as sure as possible before I went under the knife so I went through a thorough evaluation and put me on my meds and told me that I had to start my RLT all over again. So I’m right where I’m at now and waiting another Eval before I’m put on the list. The good thing is the armed forces is going to pay for it.”

He finishes his pie.

“So you’re not out now?”

“No, I was wounded in my 3rd year I’ve still got a year of active duty left. I’m technically on psyche leave. Once I’m settled in the head and recovered from my SRS they want me back for my last year. I’m an RN and they’re having just as hard a time keeping experienced nurses as any other place or that’s what they keep telling me.”

Brandon nods. “So how long before you’ve got until you’re back in uniform?”

“The doctors are giving me a best case scenario between two and three years.”

“You know they're going to push the fact you’re on leave for so long as a reason for them to add to your terms of service contract right?”

“Probably, but If I get to be my real self then I’m good with that. I might not see active combat duty anyway. I might request an RN’s spot at a base home side.”

“Good idea.”

I’m done, and he’s done so we go. I see him leave a tenner as a tip even if we’re not paying. I catch Delores before I go and give her a hug good-bye. “I’ll try and make it down this way some more okay?”

“Sure honey, you do that.” She beams.

I’m still quiet yet amused as Brandon drives us home. The morning is beautiful and crisp and clear as we drive over the Bridgeview Highway Bridge on our way home I find myself thinking of how much she said I looked like my Mom and that she had always referred to me as if I always was a girl. Did she just accept me for me?, Did she just not remember me right? It was a long time ago. Or is it something else?

Bridges: 8

Chapter 8

It was morning when Brandon took me home. I’ve been up for most of the night with Brandon just driving around. He walks me to my door. I turn to look at him. “Thanks Brandon, I really needed last night.” I lean down and kiss him on the lips from the step I’m on. He needs to shave and as much as I’m not sure the prickle of bristles is something I like or don’t. I like the feeling of under my fingers though. I like kissing him too, very much.

It makes me feel significantly female.

I break the kiss and he pulls me in for another. It lasts only minutes, but it’s still kissing for minutes. He gives me the best ache in my breasts, other places too.

We break apart finally. He looks at me and I can see he likes me, that there’s caring there. “I had a nice time Sam. I know it wasn’t a real date but…’

I grin at him. “Yeah, You got a nice butt.”

He blushes, a bit. “I...I should get back to work. The guys can’t hang around forever.”

I step inside smiling and walking backwards I watch him leave turning the bike around.

I don’t go to bed either instead I take my meds and go and change into my running gear then grab my stuff to go out for a morning run. I’m tired but maybe the rush from the endorphins will keep the dreams and stuff away. I head up the hill and I feel better going out this morning than I have for awhile now. The Mounties have cracked down on the people that’ve been giving me trouble and making my life a living hell. I can run without fearing what I’d be coming home to.

My run takes me no time to climb to my usual turn around point. Between feeling safe and remembering riding up this way on Brandon’s bike last night. I take it a little further and enjoy myself as I run building up a really great sweat like I haven’t had since I was in the service I do another four miles up the road to where I know there’s a spring that comes out of where the dozer cut the road and it drains into a sort of culvert under the road and through a ditch to one of the streams nearby.

I’m hot as hell and I walk off the road to the spring taking off my running shoes and soon I’m standing under the thin but steady trickle coming out of the rock via an old pipe the loggers had drilled into there.

I’m just feeling relieved when Cass Cavanaugh pulls up in her RCMP Bronco. She get’s out. She’s got two coffees from Tim’s. “Morning.”

“Morning yourself.” I reply smiling. I like this woman and it might be some weird throw back to something about my mom but even being transgendered there are still women who turn me on. Not many but Cass…in that tight RCMP uniform…

“I was heading out to see you Ms. Chase and noticed you took longer than you usually do in your run so I came up to see if you were okay?”

“I’m okay just feeling better so I thought I’d put in an extra couple of miles.”

“Good, I…I was just trying to be careful.”

“Thanks, it seems that a lot of people know when I go jogging.”

“You have a routine; you could have changed it though.”

“I’m military even if I’m on med-leave. Jogging in the morning’s an old habit.”

“But it let them damage your place and harass you”

“I know, but if I let them force me to change my life then they win. It’s my life.”

“I think that takes a lot of guts.”

“Thanks,’

I get out of the spring area and squeeze a bit of water out of my hair before pony-tailing it again. She passes me one of the coffees. I take a sip, double-double (2 cream and 2 sugars) just the way I like it. And me getting just that good hint of chill from the cold water and the cool wind coming off the mountains makes the hot coffee taste really good. I notice the Sergeant watching me intensely as I sip my coffee…she’s oh, she’s staring at my chest. Like any girl the cool water has my girls awake.

I look her over too. I’ve been reading lots of stuff online on being Trans. I know I’m trans but I’m thinking there’s a part of me that’s pansexual…I’ve noticed I’m regularly kind of non-sexual feeling wise. That’s different than feeling gender, when I do feel sexual it’s from certain people. Brandon…and her…RCMP Sergeant Cass Cavanaugh …shoulder length sandy blonde hair done in a French braid, an amazing swan like neck like you’d see on a dancer. She’s shorter than me at about five foot five, but she’s not skinny, these kind strong shoulders and she’s got nice arms, she probably works out a lot. She’s busty, but it’s hidden or rather restrained by her shirt and her vest. Those Mountie dress pants with the stripe sticking to her like a second skin…It’s been a long time since a girl has attracted me. I like the feelings it’s kind of stirring in my body. I’m a lot further along transitionally than I was in Toronto. The fact she’s looking at me with interest and…like she actually likes me is nice…it feels good. And she’s defended me. That definitely gives her a good deal of the “Brandon” factor.

She blushes at our mutual checking each other out. It’s another good sign. My ex might have been a lipstick but she was really very personally aggressive. Actually I think she looked for somebody like me to fulfill her need to feel superior and stuff. I know Cass is a tough chick, she’s RCMP they’re not wimps by any means. I just like she’s got that balance in who she is, or seems like at least.

She covers it by sipping her own coffee. Then the switch got flipped and she’s Sergeant Cavanaugh again. “I’ve got some news on your case but some of it isn’t good.”

“Okay, bad news I can handle.”

Cass gives me the are you sure look.

“Is it worse than getting shot at?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay…Just tell me.”

“We caught one of the guys that’s been hitting you recently. I caught up with truck but one of them bailed out of the truck up at red-fern pass bridge. I saw who it was I think but He was only was caught as a far side blur on the dash camera and If I tried to charge him by my testimony then it’ll get thrown out of court too easily.”

“But why if you seen him.”

“Because he can claim bias.”

“Bias?”

“Yeah, they’ve played the game a lot Sam. He got away but we got the driver and they were mouthy enough that their scumbag lawyer can throw stuff off with a jury if it comes down to it.”

“I can see why you said it was bad news.”

She looks down frowning and sips her coffee again. “It gets worse.”

“Worse?”

“We can’t charge the driver with the vandalism. He’s claiming he had no idea that the other person was going to throw the brick at your truck. He can beat that charge and at best we’re going to charge him with reckless endangerment and driving without a permit and resisting arrest. And these might not stick too much because we can’t get him on grand theft auto because the trucks owner won’t press charges.”

“But…”

“It’s a family thing; the driver’s taking all the heat and is a minor.”

“That’s…I’m not sure what I’m angrier about this, the fact it happened or there’s a child out there so messed up. The adult should be fucking horse whipped…how can they ruin a kids life like that?”

I’m pissed enough to pace back and forth in front of the truck.

“We’ve impounded the truck and are searching it for evidence.”

“So this guy’s going to get his truck back too?”

“Yeah but the crown was not happy with the situation or the kid smarting off so It’s been flat bedded to the Vancouver lab. Plus there’s the tire cast and moldings that I’m sure are going to match. If they do then he won’t be getting the truck back because it’ll be evidence in a Hate crime.”

“Well that’s something. Actually it’s more than what I’ve been getting.”

Cass’s look changed going from cop to pissed cop. She looks at me and says. “That’s not going to be happening again Sam.” She says it like she just made a promise. She looks at her watch. “I should get back to work; I’ve got a few cases to investigate plus my normal day so…I’ll…see you later.” She’s kind of back to shy and bashful- flirty. She gets the door open on her Bronco her back is to me as she says. “You know Sam, I like you. I think I like you a lot and if it wasn’t a conflict of interest I’d ask you out…If you still or I mean if you like girls…”

I step up kind of as dad used to say about mom “Feeling it.” I take her hand and turn her around and lean down and kiss her. It’s not long or full of all that drama stuff just a really good kiss with my hands moving down to hold her by her waist. Her eyes widened in the coolest, cutest way. “I like you too Cass, I’ve been attracted to you since we first met. I’m…I’m still figuring myself out but once my case is resolved…I’d like to see you if you wanted.”

She takes a breath. And then curls her lips in like she’s tasting me on them. Then looks at me as she pulls herself up backwards into the Bronco. “What about you and the Biker?”

“Brandon?”

“Yeah, Brandon Page I think his name is.”

“You checked him out?”

“Yes, there was a strong Biker gang vibe coming off of him and his buddies. I wanted to know who I might have been dealing with.’

“Makes sense.”

“So…you and him?”

“I care for him. I care for Brandon more than any man in my life except for my father. But he knows I’m still figuring stuff out. If he can’t take you and me getting to know each other then I’m better off. Besides…it’s only a matter of time before he finds something better.”

“Better?”

“Better, or at least for him. Cass he’s older than me, starting to settle down. He’s a hell of a nice guy and a friend so yeah, better like somebody who can give him a family. I’ve still got a year and maybe more in the service after my head and body are squared away. I’m not looking for anything serious. I’m still recovering from serious.”

“Still recovering?”

“My last relationship wasn’t the greatest. It was abusive enough it put me in the psyche ward.’

“Sounds like he was an asshole.”

I look her in the eyes. “Yeah she wasn’t the nicest girl in the world.”

The look on her face is a mix between stunned, embarrassed and confused.

“Oh shit…Sam I’m sorry.”

“It was what it was really.”

“Still…”

“Stop.”

“Okay.”

“Cass...”

“Yeah?”

“Go to work.’

“Yes Ma’am’

I’m amused and still a bit “Ahem.’ So I jog back home only to see Brandon waiting for me out on the road. He offers me a glass of juice which I greedily drink down. “You okay?” he asks me. “I saw the Mountie truck go up passed and you were gone awhile.”

I smile at him then kind of switch to a more somber look. “Yeah, I’m fine Cass was just keeping me up to date with the incident with the truck.”

“Okay, I was just checking, making sure and everything.”

“She likes me, and I kissed her.”

“Uh-huh…So me and you…we’re...”

I kiss him and really kiss him, with my arms around his neck and everything. “Brandon you are the first guy I’ve ever really been attracted to as a woman. That hasn’t changed. You’re still the best man I’ve ever met and I’m still interested in what’s happening with us if you are.”

“Oh, I’m definitely still interested.”

“Even though I like Cass too?”

“Yeah, I’m not at that age when I’m going to get jealous about us seeing other people when we’re just starting to get to know each other. Can I ask a question?”

“Sure.”

“Is she good people?”

“Yeah, really nice. So not like the ex.”

“Then I’m okay. “

“Good.” I kiss him again. I like kissing him. And he shaved, and he’s been working. I honestly love the way he smells. A little sweaty, and with the scents of fresh cut sawdust and aftershave still clinging to him. It’s driving my girl brain into “very ahem”

.

“I stink Brandon I’m going to go and shower and get some sleep or try to.”

“I like the way you smell Sam.”

“Uhm thanks. Later okay?”

“We’ll save you some dinner, come over when you get up.”

I’m already jogging to my steps and wave to him. I’m feeling really good. I told him and he was good with it. The me and Cass thing and…He told me all sweaty and stuff he liked the way I smelled. It really made my morning. I love how adult he is about it and us and he’s still interested.

I lock up and go and shower. In the shower I bring my rarely used “Friend” and some KY. I’m feeling very…needy and I just…I’m in the mood. I don’t get in this mood very often. Even alone I’m kind of self conscious about it. I put in a cd of my favorite romantic orchestra scores and get on my knees with two short yet fluffy towels under them. Lots of hot water and soapy suds to get me going. As my hands touch my body and play with my breasts I’m thinking of Cass and as I lower myself onto my “friend” with the suction cup base Brandon joins into my fantasy. I achieve satisfaction three times before the water’s getting cold and I feel like a boiled noodle. I barely get to my bed after I put things away.

I feel tingly with afterglow. My first orgasm was painful and delightful and explosive I never touched it and it came up on my out of nowhere. The second I had a hand in. The third is a different animal as I felt the same feeling but slower, more drawn out and it had this cascading wave that send pleasure through every pore of me.

It was the first sexual experience for me in fourteen months, ever since I got out of the psyche ward.

My Dreams are scattered. I have some sex dreams but those are brief and foggy. But I remember feeling so sore inside, in my breasts but so good and perfect I cried a bit. I thought my sex drive one way or another had dried up. Maybe it was stress as well as transitioning. With things going right I feel lighter in my chest and neck. My dreams finish with me. I think I was somewhere between four and six. I was with my mom. We were shopping. Buying girls clothes for me and for her. Me and daddy picking berries and me calling him daddy and he called me pumpkin. I remember making rice crispy squares with him for mommy. It was so strange…I don’t remember these things but now I sort of do?

I woke up crying not knowing why, then just lying there I suddenly missed my parents so much…So, no nightmares but I cried for an hour into my pillow.

I get up, still sore but pleasantly so. I feel lighter too. I think something’s starting to give and I’m starting to distress and there’s a lot of suppressed grief there. I write a long e-mail post to my therapist. I’m a lot better now and only have to see her once every month. I fill her in on all the details and the events as well as Brandon and the guys and Cass and getting some justice for once. Even about the self pleasuring and my dreams and stuff.

I shower and change going for the whole long brown plaid skirt and a camisole under a simple light denim blouse. I make a list of stuff I need in town, a few things I want, really want. Like those butt and leg shaping Reeboks that are out now. Food and other stuff I hadn’t gotten because I was scared or just too depressed to bother. The good news is I’ve got lots to spend I just never went out so I didn’t spend a lot of my paychecks.

I get into my rental Bug and pull into Brandon’s yard There’s a lot more guys around. I see a new roof going on. There’s four electricians and plumbers and a whole bunch of guys doing the stuff for the furnace and the fireplaces. I find Brandon and the guys redoing the outside of the house with vapor barrier stuff and a spray on insulation. Eli’s boys are inside putting in the inside pink stuff and plastic just ahead of the dry-wallers. It’s chaos and Brandon is working but also being literally the crew chief. I just watch him and my breasts ache with need. I love watching guys work, I love just how much of a turn on it is to see a real man like Brandon shine in his element.

He sees me and he makes his way over walking like a jungle cat, no that lion in work boots over the open floor joists. Bandanna on, dirty and sweaty and in faded jeans and a thin white clinging to his muscles t-shirt. Carpenter, biker hotness. His tool belt gives him a guys sway/strut the shows off his package.

He walks right up and gives me a light kiss and tells me I’m beautiful.

“So how do I smell?”

He smells me and I love that so much. I can smell him and feel like a bitch in heat he smells that good. It’s got to be hormonal. The smell of the guys in the desert never smelt this good.

“You smell like Pears shampoo, baby powder and like a beautiful woman.”

Right there I nearly cried with feeling so right.

“That just made my day Brandon.”

“You’re welcome, you want some dinner?”

“There’s some left?”

“Chuck made and set your’s aside just for you.”

We walk to the barn and I see one side partly done. Grey cultured stone up to the 4ft window line then This redwood very realistic siding, lovely thermal windows with a faux wood frame that looks like maple unstained but varnished. He’s putting on a rose grey shingles on the roof and I can see them fitting in a skylight and several solar panels. This is going to look amazing when it’s done.

The food is divine. Chuck made this orgasmic Mac and cheese with this Frenchman made cheese sauce and a middle layer of l’hambergere as he calls it just barely having hints of somekind of BBQ sauce in it and crispy friend crumbled pancetta over that…I eat too much of it.

I ask Brandon if him and the guys want anything in town I’m given a list of a few things and Brandon walks me to my car and kisses me as he opens my car door for me. He give me some hundreds to pay for the stuff. It’s mostly paints he’s ordered and He wants a lot of hot dogs and buns and corn on the cob to feed al the guys in working.

I’m humming and smiling as I drive into town. I’m still a bit nervous, I wasn’t really too well received when I moved back home and this is the a big moment for me. I even find a half-way decent parking space. I nervously check my hair and make up before grabbing my purse and head into the mall.

I saw this black escalade drive past me twice while I was parking and another time as I get to the curb. I see that Henry Wade guy who tried to have me evicted for squatting on my own land. He kept coming back with offer. I’m not selling. He gives me a smile that’s kind of creepy. I hurry into the mall.

Bridges 9

Chapter 9

The Bridgeview Galleria didn’t exist back when I was living here in high school it’s a kind of nice place with three floors and lots of brand name and box stores. I get a Orange Julius and wander around the mall. I’m not in a hurry so I’m just enjoying myself, looking and window shopping while I have a few hours.

My first step is at the Lady Footlocker where I buy myself three pairs of those Reebok shoes that help sculpt you legs and bottom. I buy some new sports underwear, I need a bigger size of bra which I’m happy about. I buy some jogging weights and socks and stuff. I change into the shoes right there.

Next stop is the health food store where I buy a bunch of stuff I’m out of. Woman’s vitamins and really good soymilk, vitamin e, a couple of various boxes of those Nature Valley granola bars and some energy bars and those vitamin caltrate chocolate chews and stuff for various shakes and stuff.

The next is one of those body fit places. I buy a lot, a lot of stuff there like things for the bathroom, scented candles and oils and all of the girly stuff I didn’t really have, I’m running out of the things that mom had in the house and I’m kind of wanting my own scent and my own touch on things.

I take a trip out to my car, I kind of like the bug with all that room in the trunk. I’m getting why these are so popular with girls. These cars were made for shopping. And I have to admit they are pretty cute.

I turn and there’s two guys in my way. I try to move around them but they keep stepping in my way. “Excuse me, do you mind, I still have errands to run.”
“Yer going t’hell you faggit.” one of them says. The other looks like he wants to hurt me. Both are surprisingly clean cut and nicely dressed guys.
“I’m sorry but I don’t even know you.”
“Pastor Lucas said your kind is an abomination and are going to bring us to ruin.”
The angry guy pokes me in the chest. “Stay the fuck away from our children you child molesting bastard.”

I don’t take it. See these assholes have always done this hit and run stuff. I’ve never been actually assaulted until now. They just don’t let it go. The guy who poked me goes to give me a shove telling me to “Get out of town, or else.” I snatch his wrist and twist it fast enough to break it as he get’s put into an armbar and bash his head off my car door. I hear the crunch of his nose breaking. I don’t like the sound, I’m a nurse I don’t like hurting people but I will.

His friend the one with the mouth decides to sucker punch me and slugs me a good one in the face. I get hit hard but he’s got no idea actually how to throw a punch. I duck my head not being able to block it I give him a different area that he’ll connect with and I roll myself with the hit. He’s strong but I survived Afghanistan, I’ve seen combat. I kind of go there and his next swing I catch open handed. Angry, my adrenaline on high I tighten my grip and hear his knuckles creaking. I’ve been attacked by far fucking worse in the field and by a lot fucking better by delirious soldiers in the med tents. This guy has no idea how tough a woman can be. He’s about to learn. My free hand curls into a fist seeing as I’m not wearing my gear.

Then there’s the very loud “Bripp-Whoa!” of a siren right behind the two guys. As I see Constable Andy Mitchell pull in with a screech of tires. The two guys try to run. I don’t let go of the guys hand until Andy has him and Mr. Busted nose tries to run and gets about fifty feet before two of the security guards from the mall corner him for the Mountie.

Very loudly and using their ID’s Constable Mitchell arrests them for assault and reads them their rights. There is a small crowd gathering to watch and one of the girls from Armstrong Insurance asks me if I’m okay.

“Yeah, I think so.”
Constable Andy comes up to me. “Sam, are you okay?”
“Yes, no I really don’t get what the hell I’m doing to piss these guys off.”
“You don’t have to do anything, one of them is not even asking for his lawyer yet just his Pastor.”
“Yeah he mentioned getting this kind of spiritual guidance from this Pastor Lucas.”
“Do you know him?”
“Barely, he and his bunch tries to get a court order to get me out of town as a sex offender,”
“But you don’t have a criminal record.”
“Oh, no apparently being transgendered is against the law according to them.”
“I see, Are you going to press charges?”
“Hell yes, I’m done taking this if I’ve got some support from the authorities.”
“You have it from us. The law is the law in this town and I don’t put up with hate crimes under my watch.”
“Any chance security caught any of this?”
“Yeah, both of the two guys were following you and the guards saw that and began to follow them. They radioed it into their camera room and we’ve got it all on tape from inside the mall and out here. It looks premeditated.”

He takes my statement as do the two security guys for their own records and they gave Andy a disc. During that time, two other Mounties show up and there’s talking back and forth and Cass shows up. She talks with Andy and she looks pissed. There’s a kind of team break and she comes over to me. “Hey Sam, are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m okay Cass. Either I’m getting better at dealing with it or the adrenaline is still running through my system and I’ll freak out later.”
“How’s your head.”
“Hard.”
“Very funny I’m serious, he wasn’t a small guy.”
“Yeah but he was just…a civilian..?”
“Yeah but civilians are dangerous too Sam.”
“I know but I handled it. He was lucky though.’
“Oh?’
“PTSD, I might not look like it but they train you pretty well when they’re going to send you into combat zones. I might have slipped into being back there and really hurt him. If I was armed It might have happened.”
“…………Sorry Sam I…I didn’t realize. Can I have you sign a waver for access to your medical records?”
“Uhm…why?”
“You’ve been cleared to be in public but they’re assaulting you in a much more serious way we might be able to get a lot more against them if the crown can show this to a judge.”
“As long as I don’t get like dinged for being a public menace.”

She gets the forms and takes some more pictures of my bruise, it’s up in the hairline so it’s not too bad. She takes pictures of my car and where the blood from the guy’s nose is on it. It even gets cleaned off under video and the bloody wipe is put into an evidence bag.
I sign the forms and head back into the mall.

This isn’t going to stop me. They’re not going to win, they’re not going to beat me.
I feel almost high as I’m shopping and that line from Rambo is running through my head that Stallone says. “They started this, It’s not my fault, they drew first blood, They drew first blood.”

The fact I’m wearing white running shoes with pink stripes that are designed to shape my legs and my butt only adds to the weird surreal sense of funny.

I am aware that I’m in shock.

I go to several other stores getting a bunch of stuff that I want, I girl shop, I buy things that I want for no other reason than they are pretty or at least they are to me. I’m going a bit overboard because of what happened out in the parking lot and I’m reacting to it.

I got to let this out.

I go to this in mall spa called Unique and try to see if they have an opening. They don’t and I’m about to leave when this woman in the office comes down. “Let her in, bump Mrs. Hill she’s always late.” She comes over to me and reaches out to check where I got hit. “We’ll have to be careful here ladies, there’s some broken skin here.” Then to me. “I saw what happened outside honey. Besides I want to catch up with you.”
I look at her and slowly recognize her Lacey Grant.
One of my ex-girlfriends from high school.

It’s actually a really great experience. Lacey takes care of me herself and we talk. We talk about everything that’s been going on in my life from all the bullshit here to meeting Kym and the bombshell that I had never been the person I though I was all of my life. Lacey is really amazing and easy to talk to. And the fact she plied me with two chocolate martinis didn’t hurt me loosening either. I get to do what I’ve never really been able to do. Bitch, It’s so therapeutic to be that open and secure about it with somebody. Lacey and I did have sex back then and while I was a lot more caring and sensitive to her needs there wasn’t anything pointing to me being a girl inside. I ask her why she’s so cool with it and apparently she left with a guy she’d been in love with after cosmetology school and followed him to Manhattan. The relationship they had fell apart but she got a job in one of the famous salons there and saved up enough money to come home and start her own place.

Trans-girls are the least of the weird she said she’s seen. I laugh my ass off at some of the outrageous stories she does and the accents she can do from like the different boroughs or the ethnic stereotypes and even some of the Celebes she’s worked on. She done work on so many drag queens her Cher, Liza, and Celine are spot on. Lacey got me laughing so hard I had to go pee.

And she pulls out all the stops for me too. I’ve never been to a salon before and this was a stress impulse stop for me. Sauna, Massage, rubbing the hairs off of me with these gloves that are like the exfoliating pad things…oh that so beats waxing or shaving or Nair which burns sometimes and smells. A body wrap and a facial along with a Mani and a Pedi. It takes awhile and by the time I’m done…that girl in the mirror.

She doesn’t look like me. I look like I’m really my mother’s little girl only with my dads eyes. It takes a whole lot not to cry. Lacey hugs me in the mirror. “Wow, Sam you look…”
“I look like my mom…” There’s a smile on my face that’s never been there before. This, this just takes today’s bullshit and washes it away. “God Lacey thank you, oh god thank you for this…I can’t ever repay you for this.”
She smiles and hugs me again. “That’s right It’s on the house Sam.”
“But, the hours and the time and…”
“It’s my shop and my time Sam, besides I don’t charge my friends.”
“You still think of us as friends?”
“Yeah, we might have broken up in high school because we were going different places then. Like you going into the military instead of to university with me, but I did love you then and care about you now. Sam we were friends even after we were together, I’d love to get back to knowing one of the best friends I ever had. I got back here after NY and I really don’t have too much in common with the girls we went to school with. The ones here all settled down and stuff and kind of treat me like I’m not from here anymore.”
“Oh boy, do I ever get that.”
“I figured you might and honestly I miss you. We used to just hang out even back then.”
“I kind of missed that too Lace.”
“I’ll call you?”
“Definitely.”

We hug and kiss and exchange numbers and e-mails and she gives me her Facebitch and Twit-ster stuff too.

I head through the rest of the Mall oh sorry Galleria. I feel better, maybe it’s looking the way I do now which so called for a new dress and I couldn’t wear my sneakers with those so new shoes to go with them.

Oh, shoes…I’d never really spent any time in a quality shoe store. I always though I was going to be a Payless type of girl. Not that there’s anything wrong with there…I actually go there too right after getting some work clothes from Marks Work Warehouse. I really love the look of a really well crafted shoe and wearing them…well there’s a feeling that unless you want it, need to be a girl deep inside you just won’t get. Even I didn’t until I stepped into my first pair of Armed Forces dress shoes. Before I was sent off on my PTSD leave my doctor had me dressed, and dressing for awhile as a female soldier and nurse. I loved/love the way I look and feel in my uniform and stepping into them for the first time was such a formative moment for me.

Sneaky hooking my mental image of my female persona to my military life. But I still get that feeling of real femininity when I slide my feet into really lovingly crafted Italian leather pumps. I don’t go for the crazy big heels but still a heel about 2inches, I bought some threes. I live the click of heels on the tiled floors as I shop. I just hit a few more shops and get some odds and ends. I even hit one of the bookstores a place called Wordsworths and pick up some of my favorite novels by some of my favorite writers, pick up some DVD’s of movies that I’ve wanted. I’m slowly replacing my and Mom and Dad’s movie collection of VHS with the DVD versions. It’s slow going because Dad was a movie buff. I should do something with…yeah.

I quit while I’m ahead and head out and over to Cost co. And with the help of several decent young guys get all the paints and varnishes and glues Brandon wanted and several other handy odds and ends that I know I didn’t have at home so before heading over to the grocery section of the place. I get the hot dog buns and the hot dogs, I splurge for the Ball-park franks and a whole lot of fixing for the dogs like coleslaw and 4 mustards and ketchup, sauerkraut and all the stuff I’ve ever seen on a hot dog. It’s a lot of stuff, when you eat hotdogs with American troops you really get a hotdog.

The boys were great because they helped me repack the stuff in the car. Sigh this, this is why I drive a truck. I tip both of them $20 for being a couple of great guys. I know that’s a lot but honestly I’m buying cool points, I’m buying some positive PR.

I pull out and drive for home and see there’s a RCMP car that pulls in behind me and follows me until I’m just about home. There’s a wave and a little flash of the cherries as they pull around at the four way stop.

I pull into Brandon’s and see a lot of stuff done since I left the roof is nearly done being shingled and the walls are getting done really quickly too. I see Brandon putting up plywood inside the house and honk the horn before getting out.

He comes over all…he looks so good when he’s working. The plaid shirt over the white t-shirt the old faded work jeans with that really…uhm…he’s got a really nice package and it’s only kind of framed and accentuated by his tool belt…wow…even thinking tool belt feels kind of kinky. His hair’s all loose and long and thick held only by the bandanna he’s wearing and he’s wearing his glasses…He smiles that little smile of his. “You look great.”
“Thanks an old friend of mine runs a salon and spa in the galleria.”
“You okay?”
“Uhm…you heard?”
“Chuck did, he has a scanner on his bike.”
“Oh, uhm yeah…They were kind of those I hate you because “My Pastor/God” said you living’s gonna send us all to hell types.”
“Still, you don’t need this shit.”

I was going to say something but he actually stepped right up to me and gives me a kiss. And wraps his arms around me and squeezes just right holding me. It takes me a few seconds before my mind and body get what’s going on and I let go and just let this kind of full body sigh and it’s there…I really don’t have to be strong right now. Brandon’s got me. He’s got me and even if it’s just for a little while I’m safe…safer and really cared for.

It feels so good.

***
Henry Wade…..

I can’t fucking believe it. That thing, it, she, he…what ever…I thought it was like some fucking pansy nurse or something after Blacklock and Murray fucking things up and Those new fucking cops. Pastor Lucas didn’t need much convincing that the faggit bitch was trouble. The pictures with the booze and Brandon’s friends on the bikes paint a picture of the town going to hell.

I even played the dirty Indian card with the guy in the truck and his kids.

I didn’t expect the freak to fight back against Lucas’s tough guys. I’m going to get them out of here. I have too, that deal is worth millions to me. The cops, those fucking new cops! “Shit, fuck, Dammit!”

I was following the freak out of town behind the cops and them giving her an escort and a wave. I turned too as he did but he’s turned and accelerated and I’m being motioned to pull over. I turned around from looking at him and that New Cop Cunt in the Bronco pulls up in front of me too.

One in front of me and one in back of me.

That’s why I’m swearing.

Bridges 10

Chapter 10

Henry Wade…

I’m pulled over to the side of the road and there’s the police cruiser behind me that’s the one that pulled me over. It’s one of the new constables. He did something with the dash and he got out with a German shepherd?

Then she pulled the white Mountie Bronco right in front of me. It was that fucking Cunt Cavanaugh…She’d already messed with my brother Derek. He’s on his guard since she had warned him that the way he was doing things might look bad. Now he’ll barely talk to me and took off yesterday taking his some of his vacation time.

Fucking coward, I never should have relied on him.

She get’s out and the cunt has this swagger. “Good afternoon Mr. Wade can you please step out of your vehicle?”
“What is the problem officer?” I get out slowly; I’m going to be mannerly. I’m holding my cell-phone in my hand and I’m already recording this.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to search your truck.”
“On what grounds, this is my property and you need a warrant.”
“Why would we need a warrant Mr. Wade if you have nothing to hide?”
“It’s because I have my rights and I have every right to exercise them.”
“That’s true but because of testimony from a witness to a crime we’ve probable cause.”
“Witness, who, to what crime?”
“I’m afraid that’s information that I can’t give you Mr. Wade.”
“I’m calling my lawyer, you can’t do this?”
“I’m afraid I can Mr. Wade and I am. Constable Mitchell please start your search.”
“Listen here you fucking cunt! You can’t do this!”

I’m pissed and pointing at her and I shouldn’t have lost it. Then that dog is right there barking and growling and snarling at me, over and over again. I kick the dog away from me. “Get that fucking mutt the fuck way from me!”

That’s when she grabs me and twists my arm hard and takes me down hard to the ground. Her knee is on my back and she’s cuffing me.
“Mr. Henry Jason Wade, I’m placing you under arrest for the assault on an officer of an officer of the peace.”
“You’re lying! I never touched you or Mitchell it’s on tape, he’s got it all on his dash camera!’
“You’re being arrested for the assault on Officer Bruno.”
“Who the fuck is Officer Bruno?” I yell at her.
“That would be the K-9 officer you kicked.”
“The fucking dog!”
“Striking a police dog is the same as striking a human peace officer Mr. Wade.”
“I’m…”
I shut up and she hauls me to my feet and reads me the rest of my rights as she puts me in the back of the bronco.
Another cruiser pulls up to talk to her and observe things as they search my Escalade. They go through my truck with a fine tooth comb and they find…a pint of rum I keep in the glove box. There’s a shotgun in the trunk and my camera’s she downloads my pictures…that might not be good. I’ve got pictures of the freak on the memory card.

They call a tow for my truck.

I’m taken to the RCMP station and I’m charged with having an unsecured firearm and open liquor as well. Those are just fines and I’m put into one of those glassed in offices to wait on my lawyer and for them to question me.

I see Derek come in and he’s talking to the bitch…I see Rick Blacklock go passed with another Mountie bitch and his little punk’s with him. They’re letting the kid out of his cuffs.

My lawyer isn’t far behind everything as he stares at Rick leaving with his kid. He’s representing them too. I don’t like the look of surprise on his face. Derek looks like he’s going to shit his pants when he see’s Paul Sullivan the Crown’s attorney get off the elevator with my lawyer and he looked at my brother and me then walked into the Cunt’s office.

My lawyer comes in. “Henry, you’re so fucked you’re going to have to plea out.”
“Why what do they have? I mean this is bullshit that dog was going to tear my leg off.”
“Screw the dog Henry, they’ve got your brother in here, they let the Blacklock kid walk after the shit he said to the cops faces? And Sullivan’s here? It’s seven in the evening Henry, the DA’s office doesn’t move on stuff like this unless they’ve got something big.”
“Shit! what the fuck do I do?”
“Give them Derek, blame it on him, he’s the dirty cop.”
I smile…Yeah.

*Cass…

I sit out back concrete steps of the station with a coffee and my take out. I lean back against the wall and just breathe then pull the hair pins out keeping my hair in a braid and out of the way. I take my cap off and shake my hair free and just sit there awhile with my eyes closed.

I can hear Andy talking to Bruno. I get up and walk out to our back yard area and over to the Kennels. Andy is giving Bruno his very well deserved tummy rubs. I go over and Bruno looks at me and gives me a look and an expressive whine. I reach into my take out bag and pull out a 4 patty bacon cheeseburger from Burger King and give it to him. “Here buddy you really deserve this.” Bruno being a dog of course wolfs it down tail wagging like crazy.

Andy looks at me. “We took a big risk playing that game today.”
“Yeah I know, but Henry has a temper from what I can tell. He was resorting to really underhanded shit y’know trying to get Sam out of her place.”
“Yeah but you really pushed it with the lie about probable cause.”
“I know, the Blacklock kid is a career criminal in the making but Henry didn’t know the kid wouldn’t talk.”
“Yes and you were very good at needling him into yelling at you to set Bruno on defend.”
Bruno’s ears perked up and he wagged his tail as he looked at us.
“Mmn, yeah I’m glad I was right about that.”
“About what particularly?”
“Oh that he wasn’t the kind of guy that’d take well to being told what to do by a woman.”
“Well there is that and he looked like the kind of asshat that’d kick a puppy.”
“There is that, plus having him do it on camera.”
“Good call on that.”
“It all might not have worked.”
“I know, but I did have a plan.”
“Pre-meditated entrapment’s a plan Cass?”
“Andy how often do guys like him just walk?”
“Too often, how’d you get Derek in?”
“I called him in.”
“And for what?”
“Oh if the bluff wasn’t working I was going to ask him to find some files of his I supposedly couldn’t find but the Crown prosecutor was just arriving and I knew they’d start jumping to conclusions once they saw him here.”
“Yeah how’d you get him here after hours?”
“Oh it was easy, I lifted his Blackberry then called him and said I’d found it in the parking lot and told him what time I’d be in at the station. He’s a lawyer, those guys are more married to those things than their wives.”
“And the kid?”
“We had charged him; I signed that it’d be okay if he was released to his father’s custody pending his trial date.”
“So you got them here all at once and spooked them with the CP being here after hours and…”
“And now Henry and Derek are both rolling over on one and other and the CP get’s a case dropped into his lap and both are going to see jail time.”
“And don’t forget the idiot insurance guy; he was mixed up with Derek.”
“True, I just wish we could have gotten something on Rick Blacklock.”
“Me too but we were pushing or luck.”
“Cass we practically broke the law.”
“Yes and no Andy we had enough evidence that would have been circumstantial enough really for probable cause.”
“Oh that’s really thin Cass.”
“Oh I know, but sometimes you’ve got to make a stand.”
“Uh-huh, and you liking Sam Chase has nothing to do with it?”
“No, guys like these guys need to be taken down, this was over a land deal Andy and they were using fear and intimidation and prejudice as weapons. If they were going to twist the system to ruin lives then I’m going to stop them.”
“Yeah, me too. I don’t like having to do it like we did but if they weren’t stopped here then just when would these guys get stopped?”

I lean over and give Andy a hug. “I’m going to get back inside and see the rest of this through.”
“Yeah I’ll go with you and we can maybe get through this all the faster?”

*Sam…

I could almost just sink into him like this. I’ve read a lot of stories both in magazines and various TG places on the net. They for at least my part, even in just the straight/normal run of the mill romance novel stuff take feeling protected and safe for granted.

I’m a transgendered girl with post combat PTSD for me right now in my life safe is equaling love.

Brandon just lets it be what it is. He just holds me gently but with this strength that he just seems to radiate sometimes. I’m not sure how long we’re there but I had gone through a few sets of the shakes and cried a little bit on his chest. Buy the time I’m feeling better and can look around albeit with bleary reddened eyes and splotchy skin the work crew is done for the day and the scent of a BBQ or a cook out or whatever is going on full swing and there’s beers being drank and…Brandon takes my chin in his hand gently and turned me to face him and then he kisses me…He’s the best kisser I’ve ever had

First he’s holding me with one arm still around me and kind of pulling me into him. His grip is strong but gentle and sure. Then there’s being against part of his body which is thickly muscled. He’s not a ripped ape or a godly vision but he’s real. Broad shoulders from decades of lifting and hauling. His arms are massively thick too from working with his hands all of his life. He’s just barely got abs but there’s a nice mid-thirties layer of fat on him. To be gym perfect he’d have to lose20-25lbs but I like him better this way…Brandon’s most amazing quality to me is he’s so real. His other hand is turning my head and guiding me into the kiss with the delicate grace of an artist. Lot’s of eye contact, the little hint of one of his smiles.

Then the kiss itself. He moves in and goes for this tilted head kiss and he it happens. And at first he gently touches my lips, like a combination of closing his mouth/taking a bite of something…like if there was icing on the tip of my tongue and he was sucking it off me. It ends with him tasting me on his lips and moving his lips like he can taste our kiss. One makes my nipples ache, and inside of me kind of twists up in a good way…The best way and then he kisses me again, and again.. It’s all so soft yet he’s not…I start to hurt, like I haven’t in awhile.

“Brandon…” I half moan it and half whine it.
He smiles that Brandon, shadow of a smile. “Come on, let’s go see the others and let them know you’re okay.”
“Just give me a..minute?”
“Are you okay?”
He wants to know? No he doesn’t want to know, not this. I could just not say anything but there’s this part of me that…still wants to test him. That part doesn’t shut up.
“I’m not going anywhere with a hard on in this dress.”
I study him for his reaction.
“Did I cause that?”
“Yes.” I blush with that.
“Good to know.”
“Wh..what?”
“A guy likes to know he can turn a girl on.”
“Uhm…”
“Yeah Uhm…” He kisses me again and kind of walks me backwards until I’m leaning back against my car. His body presses against mine and his hands then slide over my dress and my body…one hand cups my breast…It’s hot, some one else’s body heat burning the sensitive nerves with just…it feels so good!, It’s been too long..there’s this strength in his hands and there’s these roughened edges from scars and all the work he’s done but he’s so insistent in the cupping squeeze that is the perfect pressure on them and then release as his hand still holds to the shape of my breast but slides over it, around it until his first two fingers do the motion over my nipple like their walking but are stroking it and the sensation is going right through my bra and my brain is boiling over. Oh…oh..and he’s still kissing me..I’m kind of panting and whining again…

“Sam..”
“Y..yeah”
“I need you to do something for me.”
“Okay….” my voice kind of trails off rising in pitch.
“Cum for me.” His hand reached down and rubbed me through my panties under my dress and he’s got his forehead pressed to mine and his hair is kind of hanging framing our faces, ramping up the intensity by shutting out the rest of the world…His hand on my breast squeezes just right again and it’s like permission…

I cry out, I would have screamed if my mouth wasn’t busy suddenly with his. Never in my life have I ever came like that. He damned near gave me my SRS right there because it felt like my balls exploded and it was turning inside out or rather outside in. It made me thrash in a few involuntary seconds, my body coated itself in a sheen of sweat.

Then I’m up into the air his arms has he’s scooped me up and is carrying me in his arms acrossed the road and up into my house…as soon as we’re through the door he slides the top of my dress and the straps of my bra off my shoulders and I’m up against the wall, or we’re bouncing off the walls as he’s sucking on my breasts and things are getting knocked over, we’re shucking clothes off at random. We kind of fall at the top of the stairs and he dragged teeth just ever so lightly over a nipple and sucked it into his mouth…worried it while it was there with his tongue. Sucked harder after that…Slid a finger into me…did things as he alternated his kisses…

My brain explodes…it’s like that white hot from when you come but this started from my breasts…nipples first then it exploded, that white hot pleasure into me…into my heart first where it spread to my brain and then the rest of me.

I do scream…I scream with rebirth.

I came…like a girl, they call it a breast orgasm and it’s rare…it’s…I’m…Men can’t have these, men can’t have these, men can’t have these…My brain is on overload but my soul is screaming triumphant to the universe…See!, I told you!

I remember us doing this, making love, touching and fondling and everything as we eventually make our way into my bedroom and up onto my four poster bed. By the time I’m there I’m ready for him.

He’s big, I don’t mean like long like in the silly stories but a good 7and  ½ inches or eight. Cut or circumcised, with a big tip but he’s thick and very, hard. It’s the most painful blissful thing I’ve ever felt and we make love…he finds all my good places and pleasure spots by careful experimentation. He’s older than me, I was expecting experience but…I didn’t know you could have sex for that long. I didn’t know you could…a guy could last that long and while I get “there’ twice before he does it’s the way I normally do but in doing that as my body seizes up around him sending these signals to my girly brain and a good part of what was I though just a male type of orgasm rushes that white hot pleasure through my insides from deep in my insides.

When he came inside of me I could feel the force of it, the heat of it and I came, I came involuntarily and I was close to another anyway…But this ripped another scream from my body, I had another breast induced one to go with it as he squeezed my breasts and he bit my shoulder..fastened his teeth on my collar bone as he came calling out my name, crying out my name…it was just everything…all at once.

His second wind he went harder, I was well lubricated and loosened up and sex-drunk that I wanted more and harder. I think it’s something I’ve been mentally fantasizing about as a girl. There are times you really want that. And it seemed like so much of this so unobtainable.

It was…sometimes there is a good thing about a man being a man and dominant…sexually powerful. Legs wrapped around his waist, then over his shoulders, then bent…as he leaned over me into the sex and literally my legs, ankles near my ears…

I honestly lost track, I remember being flipped over, I remember sideways…I know I got to the point where I got “there” and nothing came out…

Brandon did the same….I was good through about ten minutes of cuddling in exhaustion. Then everything hit me. All the feelings of today and that feeling that I discovered while we made love bubbled up…what it meant, what it really meant and it…I lost it but in a good way? Bawling and crying about that in a can’t sit still, hysterically happy freaking out kind of way…it was beyond being manic. It’s a good thing Brandon get’s it. Knows I’m off my nut. When it passes I cuddle into him like the girl I know I am more than ever now.

Then as much as I didn’t want to we have to get cleaned up, change the sheets. We take showers. I…I get cleaned up because there’s a…uhm…God I end up using a tampon for the first time in my life…He just wouldn’t stop running out…well you know. I’m out of the shower last and…Brandon helps dry me off and…Oh, oh..if you ever get the chance let your SO powder you after a bath or a shower…I had just lotioned and he started without me…he just did it and trailed that powder puff over my body…it wasn’t sexual, but it was? We both really hadn’t anything left in our tanks…instead her used it to make love to my senses…It really made this…it was the gentle intimate little thing that’ll always be part of my soul. He even dressed me in his red and black plaid work shirt he had tied around his waist…it’s thin flannel, it smells like him and of fresh sawdust and is huge on me and so soft…It’s that big the ends hang around the bottom of my bum and the sleeves hide my arms completely…It makes me feel so delicate, so girl-real my heart hurts from it in a good way, the best way.

We fall asleep and he holds me in those big powerful arms like…he makes me feel special, delicate, treasured…I’ve never had that before…I’m falling head over heels for him and I happily quietly cry myself to sleep in his arms.

Bridges 11

Chapter 11

Sam-

Morning light seems to almost drift in through my windows. It’s so…I’m not sure there’s words for this right now but I’ve been watching the little dust motes in the sunshine for about ten minutes now as they drift in the sunlight. I’m so not used to any of this. That oh..so..stretched feeling deep inside. My breasts tingling and more aware that they’re breasts than in awhile…after awhile it’s just parts of you a vital part if your like me but this morning they’re more there.
I feel Brandon’s are slide around me and kind of pull my into spooning with him. I’m not used to this. I’m really not used to feeling happy. I’m really not used to feeling content.
I can’t help but get this teary smile as my feelings from last night kind of drift back into my mind, not just having the best, most woman real sex of my life but those feelings, and the way it rocked through me in a way I’ve always wanted, I knew, knew that was who I really was.
Yeah now there’s a couple of really happy tears leaking out now. It feels so perfect to feel his hand and his arm. I love those scars and stuff from how hard he’s worked, the muscle there, the power and the strength there, I love the fact he’s so much bigger than me as he holds me.
I love the fact he’s pressed against me and there’s this wall of muscular man there. I feel small and delicate and really amazingly girly.
Brandon’s head rises up and slips over my bare shoulder with this erotic or at least to me velvety brush of his whiskers. He kisses the side of my neck and he does it slowly and repeatedly going from my collar bone to my earlobes giving me good girly shivers. He suckles on my earlobe. His hand comes alive and runs it over my tummy and then up my chest he does these erotic little circles with those really perfect manly hands around my breasts he cups them letting them feel the heat of his hand sink into them creating this soothing ache in them. Then the occasional squeeze, plays with the nipples. I can feel his hard on as my nipples turn into aching little diamonds.

I roll over to look at him and he gives me this look. It’s so honest and real what I’m seeing there in his eyes. It makes me feel so special, it makes me feel like I’m actually beautiful. “Morning Angel.” He says with this quiet beauty in his voice…I’m kind of just…stunned, too caught in the moment to do much more than give me a shy smile and leak out a few really happy tears. He’s not wearing his glasses and his eyes are this beautiful green, and his long hair’s a mess but a sexy mess and the sunshine’s catching the features of him in this amazing way. Brandon’s not a pretty boy, I wouldn’t like one of those I don’t think but right now he’s beautiful.

He kisses me, and it’s this lover’s kiss. It’s slow and sweet yet there’s this slow burn of love and desire beneath the surface. He breaks the kiss, then kisses me again, then again and again…his hands roaming over me. It doesn’t take too long before I’m aching and wanting him. I love feeling this. I’ve felt trapped and asexual for way too long. I’m feeling wanton and very, very much like the woman that I really am. He makes love to me. In the morning and in the swirl of sheets and he’s slow and deliberate and he’s wonderful. There’s this point in the middle of it when my legs are wrapped around him and I’m pulling him into me as much as he’s thrusting into my body and there’s that jiggle of impact making my girls bounce and shimmy and his hands are busy and his mouth is busy and the feeling of being a woman, really feeling like one possesses me and my birth defect is really just that just…it just doesn’t matter.

Despite all the people I have been with it’s never been like this. I’ve never been treated like this from anyone as a person, then as a woman. I’ve never made love in the morning sunlight before. I feel like the sunlight is settling into my soul as Brandon takes me to several very womanly orgasms…

I could get into more details, oh I could really get into much more detail of just how amazing it was…Maybe some other time. I want to keep this or most of this sacred to me. That morning was mine, one of my most treasured moments.

Brandon snuggles in deeply with me for I’m not sure how long after because I fell asleep or mostly asleep in this sated, boneless yet sore in the best way doze.

The whole thing brought these weird thoughts though into my head. I actually liked feeling Brandon’s seed leaking out of me. The ache of the sex…the love making, the sore almost bruises where his strong hands gripped my hips, the fact my nipples were sore from all the attention. The smell of sex and us and him in the sheets.

The sound of him using the bathroom. I sit, and that sound. I know there’s people who are going Ughh but that and the sound of that and the tap, tap, tap of a razor being rinsed in the sink hasn’t been in this house since my dad died. It was the sound of a man in the house and it felt and sounded right.

Brandon showed up back in the room and kissed me awake. I smelled food. He made me breakfast in bed. This is another first for me. It’s nothing big and fancy just toast and OJ with the best and fluffiest scrambled eggs I’ve ever had. I don’t care for them after being in the forces, you get to eat a lot of them at morning chow. But these were something else. There was my daily yogurt and my morning coffee and he even brought me the paper. He came back a few minutes later with his food and we ate and drank coffee and read the paper together…another first. My head is nearly…my head is swimming in all of this. We actually don’t talk much, he crosswords in pen but we did that together. We do it all leisurely. It’s about 10:30 or so before he kisses me and gets up.
“I’ve got stuff to do or rather being done and I really should be there.”
“Mmm, yeah you should, last night…”
“Last night was nice Sam, better than nice…I could say a bunch of stuff that just wouldn’t do it justice but. Thank you Beautiful is all I’ve got.”
“Brandon, I feel like I should be thanking you…”
“You’re welcome.” He gives me that little only Brandon half smile as he cuts me off.
I hit him with the news paper. ”Jackass.”
“Ill see you later Sam?”
“Uhm, Yeah I’ll be over.”
“I’ll be looking forward to it.”
He left with that smile of his. I can’t help but watch him as he leaves, nice butt, broad back, big arms and he moves with a lot more grace than most guys do as big as he is.
Sigh.

***
I’ll leave the clean up after sex to your imaginations but I wash my bedding and a few other things and hand them out on my clothesline. I love the smell that gives them. And where I live it’s still pristine enough that I can breathe fresh forest, country and mountain air. On a good day there’s even hints of the sea in there.

I soak after in a nice long hot bath and really just relax I even turned the radio on to CBC Radio One and enjoying the classical music they play on it that’s mixed in with contemporary stuff from blues and jazz and stuff. I don’t know anything about this kind of music but I’m in the mood for something like this and I think I’m actually starting to like this Dianna Crall/Krall? I like the smokiness in the tones of her voice.

“Treat me sweet and gentle.”
“When you hold me tight.”
“Just…Squeeze me.”
“But please don’t tease…me.”

“I get senti..mental…”
“When you hold me tight.”
“Come and squeeze me.
“But please don’t tease… me.”

It plays through my head even after it’s long since gone to some other track but I liked it so I’m still singing it to myself as I lotion up and get all fresh. I’m going to be helping out so I throw on a bit extra Secret and do both the spray and the underarm. If I’m going to get sweaty with the guys then I’m still going to be the girl, I’m still going to smell like one at least.

I dress actually in some old jeans and a beat up old scrub top and a plaid shirt over that and pony tail my hair and pull it through the back of my ball cap. I head over and get the rental car and all my things that have been over at Brandon’s since last night. It takes me a bit to just get the stuff into my house and Chuck had stored all the perishables in the fridges they’ve been using out in the garage. I thank him with a kiss on the cheek and do take the time to put away my groceries. The rest of my stuff I leave on the couch and the floor around it. I’ll put that away later tonight.

I get over there and look around for Brandon and he’s up in the rafter’s inside the house. I watch as he moves around up there moving like this big cat. “Hey! What can I do to help!”
I have to yell to be heard over the other stuff going on. Brandon yells something and gestures me up. I go up the ladder a little uneasy and nervous at first. I’m not afraid of heights I used to go in choppers all the time but this isn’t something I’ve done before so I’m…careful.

It’s a heck of a lot of hard work and it’s fun too. I’ve never been a handy-girl so learning this stuff is new and kind of exciting. Like using a bunch of different power tools. Brandon tends to have things screwed in rather than nailed so there’s a bit of crew humor there. He’s got me using a drill to sink screws into stud wood and to put in these cross boards that then drywall will get screwed to. I get to see the heating and electrical guys and the insulation guys all doing their things. Brandon’s right to hire the guys who do each thing for a living. It’s so professional looking and everything and he explains stuff to me. Like using this treated lumber that’s rot and mold resistant but environmentally safe. The spray foam insulation stuff, the guys putting in the solar in on the roof. It’s going to cost a lot of cash but the house will have this really next to nothing as a carbon footprint?

Okay, it’s a lot over my head but he’s really in his element here and he shows me things.
Teaches me things and lets me do stuff and he doesn’t hover. Once he knows I can do it he leaves me to do it and goes to finish something else or talk to the guys and everything. Me I’m loving it. I’m being treated like I said before, like a real girl who’s just one of the guys. I’m sweaty and dirty, covered in bits of sawdust and sanding dust from wood yet I still get looks from Brandon and most of the men there like I’m pretty and yet aside from some nice guy manners they treat me like I’m just…God I feel so normal. Normal for me is something sadly lacking and it’s such a good feeling.

I well we put in about seven hours of the work in the house and by the time I’m done there is actually a floor to stand on upstairs, there’s drywall up and the mud’s being put up on the walls to dry and stuff overnight, even the plumbing is in. I’m happy and grinning and filthy but wow. We got a lot done. There’s like forty of us all told with a good quarter of us being me and Brandon and the guys but still.

We finish up and the furnace is going we tape up the places to keep out the moisture and stuff and head out to the big barn for a full crew supper. There were even spouses and SO’s that showed up…as nervous as I am at first, I don’t get “made” or if I did it was never mentioned. I was treated just like everyone else and with them like one of the girls.

Chuck is amazing as usual making food for so many would have sent me screaming into the hills but Chuck is a professional chef and did this all with ease. A beef stew with braised short ribs and wild mushrooms that the two boy’s of Eli’s had gone into the woods and hills outside on Brandon’s property. There’s wine in it I think and herbs along with baby carrots and fingerling potatoes and onions, garlic, celery, and something called leaks? It’s really, really good with these fresh baked bread rolls.

It’s a real feeling and sense of community as we all gather together and eat and talk about the day and have a few drinks, laugh, joke. Some leave, some stay with pitched tents and after about an hour the instruments come out.

The guys play and I get up after a few pulled up to dance. I’m not good at this. I’ve never really had the chance to just move with the music and “shake it” I’m not all left feet or anything but the GG’s seem to grow up at least doing this some of their lives. I’m really self conscious and kind of flubbing it when Brandon comes to my rescue and slips down to where I’m at and begins to dance with me, hands guiding my hips, easing the way I move and I’m so getting the link between sex and dancing.

I love dancing. The more I dance, the more I like dancing, moving the way I should be, moving the way I always should’ve been. A few songs later and we’re slow dancing.

Then there’s this moment, this…It was like this PTSD flashback and I’m not dancing with Brandon anymore. I’m in a really pretty dress, it’s white with blue flowers and I’m dancing with my dad? I’m little, like six or seven and we’re in our living room and I’m dancing with my feet ontop of his…It’s the same song as what’s playing now. “Sunshine.” by Nazareth.

The song ends and I snap out of it and Brandon takes my face and gently kisses me.
“Sam…? What’s wrong your crying?”
“I…I..I don’t know…?”
“It’s okay, what ever it is It’s okay?”
He kisses me and I can’t help but start crying, I don’t really know why I’m crying but the tears and the sobs just won’t stop.
I don’t…
I don’t remember that!
Why?, was it even real, was it some memory or some flashback, or a hallucination?
“It’s not okay!, Why? Why didn’t they tell me?”
“Who, tell you what?”
“That…that..when I was little…I…I used to be daddy’s little girl!” I break into sobs and run out of there home.

I threw myself down on the bed and bawled, I’m not sure how long bawling, then just curling up around my pillow. Brandon’s let himself in and crawls onto the bed and spoons with me. He tries to sooth me, strokes my skin and my hair, he kisses the back of my head. And I drift off to sleep.

***
I’m seven, and We’re livin in Regina because momma’s a Policeman…oops Police lady.
I wanna be just like my mum.
I gotta be.
Even though my innie’s an outtie an I hate it.
I tole Momma and Daddy that god got it wrong. That I’m not a boy. It was hard to tell them that, My Daddy loved my bein his little boy.
I don really get it but Daddy said he loved his little girl too.
I had an Aunt that we don gots no more? Daddy had a sis?
Him and Momma said it’s okay that I’m just me?
I’m a girl, even if I’s gots an outtie.

***
I thought I liked church.
I though that I liked God.
They said that god loves me?
I thought that was awesome…
Then father…Pastor…Lucas…
He took me into the rectory.
“I know about you Sammy. I know what you are.”
“I’m girl?”
He started laughing, I didn’t understand so I guess I laughed too.
He hugged me.
“God loves you Sammy, and so do I.”
“You do?”
“Yes…” I can smell whiskey on him. His hands are up my dress now…
“P..Pastor Lucas what are you doing.”
“Showing you Gods love.’
“But…But…”
He shoved a finger into me…I cried out.
“Shut up!, shut up you perverted little freak, or I’ll tell God that you’ve been a bad little pervert and he’ll punish you! Jesus will make sure that bad things will happen to your Mother and Father because you were evil…and sinful!”
He’s yelling at me and shaking me and spittle is getting on me…I just start whimpering.
He does stuff with his finger in me.
He shoots stuff from his thing…his outtie and makes me…
He’s big again and…
He put’s his thing into me and I wanna scream!
But he’ll, he said…
Pastor Lucas says as he’s in me hurting me.
“It’s gods will Sammy, this is what happens to pervert little boys who think their girls.”

***
I wake screaming and then someone, something grabs a hold of me. My room vanishes from my eyes and I’m out there in the sand it the tent’s again and I’m being attacked! I keep using my self defense training.
Hitting, Biting, kicking and throwing my attacker twice…he’s a…he’s a shadow and I’m fighting for my life…Then there was this...I got a gun…It looks Like moms service revolver?
We fight, we wrestle with the gun and somehow I get ontop and I pull the trigger aiming at the bastards head.
Somewhere…
I hear Brandon yelling Sam!

Bridges 12

Chapter 12

All of a sudden my world came crashing down back into reality. I was on top of Brandon.
Brandon who was lying there.
Bleeding…there was a slow pool of blood forming under him and the gun…there’s a gun in my hand. Mom’s service revolver.
I can remember the dream.
That memory.
The violation.
I was just a little kid, my family knew then.
I knew then.
That I’m transgendered.
The rape, the molestation.
I was remembering all of it when Brandon touched me and I slid from one PTSD moment into another.
It went from day to night and everything changed on me. It became this world of dark shadows that threatened my life.
My house had become this bombed out two and a half story ruin in Afghanistan.
Nothing made any sense and everything was tinted with vertigo and it shook.
I shot the man I love.
I lost it and shot him.
There was so much blood.
Just like there.
There where days I just couldn’t wash it off of me.
The staccato death chant of insurgent AK’s.
Me shooting Brandon.
The death scream of a mini-gun from my side and seeing teenagers get reduced to this kind of state like when the snow plow goes by and pluses mostly water and slush really fast.
Me shooting Brandon.
The boom then dull roar of the roadside bomb going off.
Me shooting him in the chest…
I hear myself let out this thin, wailing cry, like this keening sound…the sound of a broken heart…I sound like the women I’d see who lost someone they loved in those villages.
I bring the gun up to my temple.
I close my eyes.
I squeeze the trigger.
Nothing happens….
I open my eyes and Brandon’s got his hand shoved into the space where the hammer strikes.
His green…forest hazel eyes stare into mine and there’s a trickle of blood starting to run out of his mouth.
I…
Those eyes tighten up and he breaks my finger ripping the gun out of my hand and hurls it out my window.
“Bbbb…Brandon…?”
“Okay…Sam; you’re a nurse, now what?” He coughs up some blood.
Oh my fuck, I shot him…
I shot him…
“SAM!” He yells at me shocking me back to reality?
If everything I know isn’t what I know then is it reality? My head is pounding.
“Sam…”
“Sam…”
He kisses me…!
I taste his blood.
I turn and throw up.
Several times.
He falls backwards and passes out, his head bounces off my hardwood floors.
OH my god!
Adrenaline and training and habits start to take over as I grab my bag from the closet at a run and a sheet off the bed and my cell phone and dial 911. I put it on speaker as its dialing.

“911, hello? How can we help you?”
“Bbbrandon’s been shot! I shot Brandon! Help I Need an Ambulance Stat!”

It becomes a blur after that and I’m trying my damndest to keep him from dying, from bleeding out. I’m ripping sheets and stuffing and binding wounds and trying to keep him from dying on me.

I’m hardly aware of things until the EMT’s came and we got him down to the ambulance and in it. I was about to go too when Cass took me aside. “Miss Chase, we need to ask you a few questions.” I looked at her then at the three other Mounties there. My Mom’s service piece is in an epigenous bag. I see Eli and Chuck and the boys there having come over at some point in time and I….

“I shot him Cass, I freaked out and I shot him Cass!”
Cass turns to the other cops. “I’ve got to recuse myself from this investigation; I’m too close to it.”
Then another RCMP Officer comes up. “Miss Chase if you’d come with us, we have to get you checked out and there are questions that we’d like you to answer.”
Cass takes my hand and passes her badge and her gun belt to another one of the officers. “I’m going with you and I’ll be acting as Ms. Chase’s council until she can obtain one of her own.”
The Mountie who talked to me looks hard at her. “Cass, this isn’t smart, the CP won’t like you doing this.”
“Andy, Sam’s a friend, I’m still a lawyer. I was one before I joined the force. I’ll Deal with the CP.”
“As long as you’re sure.”
She gives me this look, there’s this warmth there and real affection in it. It makes her look stunning in a way I’ve never really settle in my head before. I’m not cuffed but they do place me into the back of the police cruiser. Cass gets in with me. “It’ll be okay Sam. It’ll be okay just tell me what happened.”
“I shot him.”
“I know but why? Why did you shoot Brandon? Did he attack you?”
“No…No…but I thought he was…but it wasn’t him, I thought he was an insurgent.”
“You were having a flashback?”
I nod.
“It’s okay, It’s okay…He’ll be alright, they’ll take good care of him.”
“There was…Pastor Lucas, and I was…I was me, but I was little, but I was me and he…”
It’s too much.
I lose it and just dissolve into tears and the shakes and everything else…that happens when you have a nervous breakdown.
I remember telling Cass my RCAF doctors name was Major Gina Sullivan.
I think I can remember getting checked out.
I remember getting a shot.

***
Cass’s part:

I had gotten the 911 call along with the other officers and we went out with the ambulance to the call at Sam’s place. I had thought that someone else had attacked her and that she was in danger.

Then we had got there and Andy had found the .38 out in the yard and the EMT’s had said that a Brandon Page had been shot.

Then Sam had started to break down and started admitting to shooting Brandon. I was too close to this and I recused myself from duty to be Sam’s legal council. Before I’d decided that I just couldn’t take seeing real pieces of crap getting off with so much stuff and joined the RCMP I used to be a defense attorney. I lasted at that job for all of six months before I just couldn’t take not being able to sleep at night or look myself in the mirror.

Two of the other officers met us at the hospital. That got me going in my official capacity as her legal council. Two of the older nurses had threatened to walk out of the ER if they had to treat “it”. How fucking dare they, didn’t they take nursing oaths. Well turns out they did. I quietly went to their supervisor. “Get those two off the ER floor right now.”
“Why is there a Problem?” she said it kind of cattily like she agreed with them.
“My Client and your patient is a combat veteran and a transgendered woman and two of your nurses are violating her rights.”
“His rights.”
My voice goes to my low range dealing with scumbags level. “Her rights and I’m lodging complaints. Now you get me the hospital admin here right now or there will be some real fucking trouble.”
“I’ll call security.”
“Good you do that, they’re here to protect the patients just as much as the staff.”
She called security.

I know the security guys, we work with them some nights and they’d just as soon not have this hassle so he calls the head admin to the hospital.

It’s over the phone. “This is David Evans, I’ve been told that there is a problem?” He actually sounds interested and not like he’s trying to placate me and I calmly explain. “I have a client who is in RCMP custody and they are being refused treatment by two of your RN’s and that behavior is being upheld for whatever reason by their nursing supervisor. Look that not only are they holding up her treatment but an investigation that she’s involved with as well, but they are violating her civil rights and severely mistreating a decorated military veteran and a nurse as well. All because she is a transgendered woman.” I go on further that. “If the situation isn’t remedied that I’ll be going after the hospital and the nursing staff for breach of oath which is a social contract.”
“Please Ms.?”
“Cavanaugh, Cass Cavanaugh.”
“Please Ms. Cavanaugh, I understand your concerns and refusing to tend to a patient on the grounds of a prejudice no matter what kind is not the way that I run my hospital. Please just let me get things sorted out.”
“Fine but I’m barely keeping my restraint Mr. Evans.”

I was not amused.

Long story short, I got them sent home for the day with a promise of a strict review of their actions, and more than likely a transfer.

It also stirred up some feeling there with the staff. There were more than enough of the nurses pissed about how Sam was being treated. Yeah, Sam might have been Trans but that was like not even the issue. Sam’s a nurse. And they treated one of their own like shit. Medical staff sticks together in a lot of ways like good cops do.

In the end of it Sam is alright at least physically for the most part, she’s in shock and had been given a mild sedative and put onto an IV drip. Andy is there to interview her as to the particulars of what had happened. I was there too as well as the staff psychologist on call for the hospital while we were getting in touch with her long term psychiatric specialist assigned to her GID and PTSD issues from the armed forces.

It took us a few hours before her doctor got there. And the situation after talking to Sam and then Brandon’s friends and thankfully after Brandon made it through surgery and was recovered enough to talk went something like this.

Sam had a buried childhood memory surface that showed her as being Trans at a very early age and instead of putting their kid through hell her folks at the time had gone with it. Apparently her father had a transgendered brother to sister who had committed suicide over it and he wasn’t going to let that happen to Sam. This we got through a little research after Sam had told us she remembered being little and hearing her dad talking about an Aunt she didn’t have.

Sam had been sexually abused by according to her by this Pastor of her church while living in Regina as a child. Sam believes that this is the same man that is the Pastor of the church that the Blacklocks attend here in town and whose goons jumped her in the mall parking lot. We’ve made request to get information about this Pastor Lucas from the church but we and the RCMP as far as I know have been getting stonewalled. I’m going to try and find out from other parishnerers if there was a sexual abuse scandal at that church.

Sam’s Doctors says that Sam had gone back to being a boy to mask the pain from the sexual abuse and it wasn’t until Sam was older that they experienced their GID as a result of being in Afghanistan and meeting her friend while on leave in Thailand who had sparked that buried part of herself.

Brandon had confirmed that Sam had been in deep into a PTSD episode when he had tried to shake her clear of it. She had gone from crying out about this Pastor Lucas to fighting him like she was fighting off an attacker and had been shouting for her Lt. While she had been fighting him and then she had gotten a hold of her mother’s old service revolver and had shot him.

Brandon wasn’t pressing any charges on her. Emphatically not.

The CP (Crown Prosecutor) had been there and he wasn’t too thrilled with me being there to represent Sam’s interests as her lawyer. He had looked at me frowningly. “You shouldn’t be here Sergeant.”
“Sam’s my friend and she wasn’t in any shape to not have legal council.”
“You’re an Officer of the RCMP and your duty lies with the force.”
“I’m going to have to disagree with you sir. My duty is to my friend.”
“I can see that but you doing this might just give the defense in the Wade case to cite you for conflict of interest and say that you used your status as an RCMP officer to help your friend.”
“I recused myself from duty for this sir, I have vacation time.”
“You’re not going to need that I’m suspending you.”
“You’ll have to go through my union rep first.”
“I could put IA on you and see what shakes loose.”
“Go ahead sir; I’m sure that’ll really go over well with the other officers.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning, do you know how many of our people served in the armed forces sir before coming to the RCMP? Sir, just let this go. I’m just sticking up for my friend and a veteran and there her other issues that will just get you into more trouble over this.”
“Like what?”
“Sam’s transgendered, plus there’s no secret of the fact that I’m a lesbian sir. I’m not going to say anything but someone else might and you’ll be seen and the CP’s office will be seen as disrespecting of military veterans and PTSD incidents plus prejudiced against people of different sexual orientation.”
“I see a threat then?”
“No sir, I like you and respect you and enjoy working with you I’m just trying to let you see the shitstorm that the press will whip up.”
“Okay, but I can’t go to a judge and let her get off Scott free. And you need to get punished as well to throw the Wade defense off of using this as an issue to get him and his brother off.”
“I’ll take a suspension but with pay until Sam’s better. Her Doctor wants her in a mental healthcare facility for her own good right now plus there’s the standard thirty days for her psyche evaluation. How does that sound we get her Doctor up there and talking to the judge.”
“And if she is in there for a long time?”
“Six months, I’ll come back to work after six months if she’s not out by then.”
“Okay Cavanaugh, I’ll play it your way but this really might still bite us in the ass. So I’m charging you with a contempt of court charge for not coming to me with you needing to defend your friend and using proper channels. You can fight the charge if you want.”
“I will.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”

That was two weeks ago and I’m on my way to Cloverdale therapy center just out of Vancouver to go and see Sam for the first time since they had taken her down for her evaluation. It’s the first time that they’ve let her be cleared for visitors.

***

Brandon’s Part.

I remembered getting shot…

Oh fuck, not again…My third time, I hate getting shot…I came to and I seen Sam putting the gun to her temple.

I was trying to say so much. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to scream at her; NO!, No!, I fucking love you!, you don’t get to do that!, you don’t get to check out on me!

But no, no I couldn’t say that, couldn’t tell her that.
I had to say something stupid and snarky…and really, really inappropriate.
I remembered getting the gun away from her.
I remember trying to get her to snap out of it.
I remembered kissing her…I remember the darkness.

Yeah, remember. Getting shot in the chest and through a lung really kind of sticks with you.

I’ve been home about three days. I was in the ICU for like three days before spending another twelve of them of them in a hospital bed. I hated every second of it and hated being idle. The guys came to visit everyday, or rather every evening. Eli kept me going with how things were going at the house. Cass…Cass Cavanaugh had stopped in. She’s Sam’s RCMP sergeant friend. She’s visited a few times and stood up for Sam with her boss and got stomped for it. She brought it all together for me though, everything that had happened…and I don’t mean with getting shot or just with Sam getting sent by the judge for extended treatment for her Transgenderism and her PTSD mostly plus facing, remembering and trying to get past getting molested. Cass told me about Pastor Lucas…She told me the church has hushed things up. While I was there and getting better enough to come home she had gone to Regina to see if she could find any other abused survivors.

She found only three that were still alive, there might have been another two or three but one is in Japan and kept hanging up on us. There’s another one last seen in Montreal but was a doper and hooker or so rumor went and one killed himself in high school.
Cass cried to me over the phone with that one. “That could’ve been Sam… Brandon, that could’ve been Sam….” I think there’s some feeling really going on there between the two of them.

It hurts, but I’m glad too but….With Sam being sexually abused…and dealing with all of that. I’m scared. I really afraid that we might not ever to be together ever again. I’m realizing how much I actually love her. Of the fact that I think that I’m falling in love with her despite how shortly we’ve known each other.

Eli and his wife had brought the boys up for the last two weekends to help me out with things here. Most of the work is done. The last has been the garage going up and the barn getting finished up. I’m not worth much right now with the damaged lung and still recovering. I’m getting the barn ready for the animals.

The greenhouse and the stables are going to go up next. Yeah, stables. I’m going to have my organic farm but I’m also going to put in a place for horse rescue. I’ve seen a ranch that did that and I love horses…if they’re in that state where they’re no longer perfect they’re still beautiful animals that deserve a better way to spend their final days.

I talked to the guys on the phone. I assured them I was alright. I told them what I could about how Sam was doing. I called another number three days ago…

***

Ryan’s Part. 3rd person.

He’d been working just leisurely at Stella’s place When he got the call from Brandon his blood brother. He set the axe down and he flicked on his Sat-Phone. “Yeah…”
“Hey Ry, it’s Brandon.”
“Yeah, duh you don’t sound like Shannon Tweed.”
“….(there was a chuckle the coughing and a groan of real pain.) Shit Ry don’t make me laugh…I just got shot in the lung…”
“Shot again? Who’d you mix it up with this time?”
“My girlfriend…No, don’t go there she had a PTSD freak out.”
“Shit…You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll live. I’m fucked up for awhile but I’m okay. Sam’s another story.”
“Not Okay I take it.”
“That’s an understatement. Sam’s a T-girl Ry.”
“And? Dude you know me. I could care less about the small stuff.”
“Yeah you and Tracy.”
“Yeah, Tracy was awesome while we were together.”
“Yeah well Sam’s had the small town bullshit going on with her and PTSD from her time in Afghanistan. Plus the night this happen she’d flashbacked to her childhood where they’d been molested as a kid.”

The phone creaked in Ryan’s clenched hand.
“So what’d the cops do.”
“One’s a cop and stood up for her as her legal council and she’s in a therapy center down by Vancouver. They investigated the bastard she’s sure is the guy who did it but it’s been a no go so far.”
“Wait…the fucker’s around there?”
“Yeah, he’s been giving her shit for being trans but Cass, the mountie friend of hers is pretty sure he knows that she’s one of his victims. Some aren’t able to be found or don’t want to talk to us and three of them are paid off by out of court settlements from the church.”
“So he’s running a hate campaign to try and drive her over the edge.”
“Yeah, think so. He’s been bitching to the towns hate rag about her being perverted and dangerous and unstable.”
“I’ll be up in a few days.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah I just got a few things to finish up here before heading out.”
“ ‘Kay later bro.”
“Yeah later bro.”

Ryan put his Sat-Phone away and then reached down and took a long slow pour down his throat of his beer. Then picked the axe back up and went back to chopping the rest of the wood he had cut down last week.

It was easy work but in this economy Stella had hit on some hard times. She had lost her job but she had her savings, she owned her home out in the boonies just west of Portland just out of town and it needed some work.

It was just after that and at sixty one years old she found herself with her back to a wall. Things were getting expensive and out of reach. Her house had really needed some work and she couldn’t really afford a full winters worth of oil in the tanks. If she had to rely on her electric the winter would have put her in seriously deep debt.

Not counting if she got hurt or she got sick or just behind enough that she might lose her home to back taxes.

He had heard her lamenting or rather commiserating with one of her friends at the old diner he had stopped at about three weeks ago.

He had gotten up and had followed her and walked up to her as she was getting into her truck. “Excuse me Ma’am, I couldn’t help but here that you’ve got a spell of trouble and I’m between jobs at the moment if you think you need a man about to do a few things I’d be grateful for a place to lay my head a spell.”

Stella had looked him over, some might have said he was a stranger and she was crazy but she’d been taking chances all her life plus he seem honest enough. Six feet tall, mid thirties may be forty so he wasn’t so rude rash kid. Tanned and weathered like he worked out doors all his life. Scruffy beard, white tank top under what had become the popular grunge rocker red plaid flannel shirt and a denim jacket and levis. What really got her was the straw cowboy hat, you didn’t see those worn a whole lot. He had it in his hand. Like a man who took off his hat in front of a lady. Not many of them either.

Now she watched Ryan as he put the axe to the firewood over and over. He was a fine looking man. Fit and handsome with blonde hair and blue eyes. His muscles worked as he split the last of the firewood he had cut off of her property. She loved the way he looked, the sheen of his muscles under the sweat he’d work up. She never though that she’d know a man who made her as aroused as she had been in her youth.

He was a biker and showed up at her house with an old 70’s Harley with a whole bunch of bags tied to it in places. Since he’d been there he’d weather stripped her house and banked the sides with plastic sheeting and spruce boughs. He’d fixed both her front and back steps and fixed some of her other odds and ends. She’d never really had anyone around the house until Ryan had come and stayed with her. It had taken only three days of him being there and sleeping in the old spare room before she had been walked in on naked in the shower…there was only one bathroom in her bungalow. He hadn’t looked away when she cover herself, he hadn’t looked disgusted, or put off by her age. He’d been her lover ever since that night, young endowed, and as young as he was compared to her he had learned how to use what god have gave him.

…….It had been white wine and pasta that night and had made love. It had been very passionate and sweet, and…And Stella knew it was goodbye, She didn’t ask him why, she didn’t ask him to stay she just gave him everything she had that night as they made love, everything she’d ever held back.

…….She had kissed him goodbye in the morning at her door and Ryan had cooked her steak and eggs, the first time he had ever cooked when he was with her. It had been a long kiss, a deep sweet kiss and he had left. She smiled and sipped her coffee and adjusted the straw cowboy hat on her head.

Three hours later a truck labeled Mac Pherson fuels pulled and the man driving had knocked on the door. She answered it. “Yes?”
“Stella Grant.”
“Yes? Can I help you young man.”
“I’m here to deliver your oil.”
“My oil?”
“Yes, a Ryan Swift had set up an account for this address.”
“For how much?”
“Dunno ma’am, It’s on a credit card. But he said you ain‘t gonna have to worry ‘bout paying fer heat ever again.”
“Oh.”

***
Pastor Lucas’s part. 3rd person

It was quiet and the middle of the night so when Pastor Gregory Lucas heard the sounds downstairs he moved to his wall and took the fire place poker from it’s rack. It was likely the little town bastards. They all thought they could break into the communion wine or steal from His church.

He hated the little fuckers, any child over the age of twelve was somehow transformed from these beautiful…so beautiful Angels and turned to these disgusting little bastards and later even filthier sinful adults.

He crept through the house attached to His Church he saw lit candles inside His church from the kitchen window. He wrapped his robe around himself and gathered his dignity and his clerical attitude around him, so that they’d cower the way they’re supposed to and see him as the chosen of god that he was.

The person was a bum… He knelt before the altar, black garbage bags taped around his feet, woolen gloves, and old thread bare winter jacket. He wrinkled his lips and his nose in disdain. “You come in here at this hour and dare to stain my altar, in the house of the lord. Be away from here you drug and wine ridden filth before I call the police!”

He never saw the first swing of the lead pipe that shattered his kneecap. He screamed.
“You dare take gods love and hide your self behind it you pedo trash.” The figure rose and had a ski mask on under the hood of the jacket. His voice was very low, a growl almost.
“I’ve done nothing wrong!, God gave me those charges to show unto love!”
He tried to crawl away from him….this terrible man…this demon.
The pipe lashed down again on his right hand right over the knuckles.
He yanked his hand back to his chest with a yowl.
That left that elbow exposed.
It got shattered next.
Then the other knee as he tried to curl up.
His screams turned into sobs.
His other elbow was next.
Then his ankles.
The man started to tell him names, names he had known.
The names of his little angels.
He prayed.
He prayed to die.
He prayed to go to hell.

***

Fifty nine year old rumored Pedophile Pastor Gregory Lucas screamed and passed out as him attacker, the children’s avenger put the blunt end of the pipe over each testicle and leaned on each one until he felt it pop like a grape… each one ….

Andrew looked as the EMT’s had quickly put the bastard into the stretcher and rushed him to the hospital ER. He was going to hate investigating this piece of shits attackers.

Whoever had done this had dialed 911 and wanted him to live. The other officers and even the EMT’s looked ill, at the damage, the carnage and the fact the man…balls where turned into grease spots. But the beating was mafia styled, he knew exactly just what to break and how like a professional.

***
It was 4 AM in the morning in an old garage in the where gloved hands poured the acid out of several batteries onto a pile of clothes and plastic garbage bags, electrical tape….The lead pipe went through a saw and was cut into small chunks. Even if there was a guess at who supposedly did the old bastard his proper turn they’d have to legally get passed serving a warrant on reservation land.

***
It was 8:25 When I heard the growl of a Harley and the familiar sound of Eli’s truck. I stepped gingerly out onto my front steps with my tea as Ryan pulled in on his Harley along with Eli and the family.

It only takes moments before I’m clasping arms with both of the two guys who are like brothers to me.
“You’re here, for how long?”
“No immediate plans, so as long as I’m feeling it.”
“Long drive?”
“A bit but I got to make a pretty good stop.”
“Found a woman to rest your head on as usual?”
“Naw, just had a stop that was good for my soul.”
Eli nodded. “It was a beautiful thing.”
I look at them.
I heard the local news on the radio.
I’m not going to ask.
But….
I smile.
“C’mon guys, I’ll throw on a good fry up.”

Bridges 13

Chapter 13

Brandon’s alive I’ve been told by Lacey when she came down to see me. She’s made the trip three times since I’ve been down here. Three months I’ve actually been down here. I was under heavy observation for a week on suicide watch. Then three weeks of really heavy observation to see if I’ve literally gone off my nut.

The rest of the time’s been mixed in between quiet time and going through PTSD with both a therapist and in group. It helps, it does. I hope that some of my shit helps someone else deal too. There this guy M’hael Jackson who runs that part of things in the cellar of the main building.

There’s times where he does stuff to get us to brace ourselves against freaking out. Like a boxing night, or rather a sparring night where we’re all there if we trigger. We stop each other then we talk it out what we were feeling and why we lost it.

Other nights it’s shooting at this gun range as a group. We’re all military here and a few cops and stuff in our PTSD group. We are supervised or supervised really well by six MP’s when we go out on our fieldtrips. I’ve been tossed in the straightjacket and the rubber room twice overnight because of getting into fights with two apes that objected to my TG status. Yeah they got tossed too. I tripped out once in sparring and four times at the range. It sucks that I’m not the only one here that’s shot at or nearly killed. One guy caught his kid with nine buckshot pellets when he just missed his three year old who was shooting up the house with a toy gun. It’s a gut wrenching thing to hear. I shot the guy I’m in love with…or was.

The other times I’m doing parts of my other therapy. I’m in a rape survivors group dealing with my molestation issues and I’m seeing a Dr. Johansson for that which includes regression therapy. It’s the hardest part of all of this. Remembering things I’d blocked out from being little.

But I am remembering things. Like being so sure that I was meant to be a little girl instead of a little boy. That Dad had a younger brother who became or tried to become his little sister but back then it was even less accepted than it was back then and my Uncle Sean who became or tried to become my Aunt Shelly died buy taking her own life in university. I can remember only ever going to her grave…not Uncle Sean’s. It’s actually in the back field home on the farm.

I remember that Mom and Dad were both scared that the same thing might happen to me. So when they found out that I was saying that and that I was adamant that I was a girl they went with it. Those memories and not the abusive ones are some of the greatest memories I have. When I remember being that little girl with Mom doing stuff like her tole painting or making stuff in my Easy Bake oven or having tea with her and my dollies I’d spend a few days an utter sobbing blubbery wreck. God I miss her.
I was so proud of her, the fact she was a Mountie and that she caught the bad men and she put them away. My mom was my heroine; I wanted nothing more in the whole world than to be like my mom.

I miss my Mommy so much….

Dad…Daddy…you’d think that a guy would be all freaked out that his only child that his son, his little boy didn’t even want to be a boy…that it would’ve been a blow to his ego. No…Not my Dad…My Daddy. He loved me and I knew everyday that I was his little angel. He’d call me that. He’d play Tea party with me. He taught me how to ride a bike, from my pink Big Wheel to my tricycle to my very first little one with the training wheels. I wanted to learn how to figure skate and he signed me up for the classes and he’d be up at quarter to six every Saturday morning to drive me into my lessons. Even if he was just getting back from a fire or working night call. Instead of building a homemade rink to play hockey with his boy he built me a homemade rink so I could skate at home. He’d sometimes put on his own skates and he’d come out and skate with me…he used to read me my bed time stories. He’d take me with him to where ever he’d meet mom when she was doing a patrol shift. He held me when I’d get scared; he hunted the monsters in my closet and under my bed. He was my Daddy.

I miss my Daddy so much…..

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, ever because every time I go through this I remember a little more of them, I get pieces of them back that I never had before but at the same time it all connects in my head and collides together that They’re gone…and that little girl part of me is still so close to the surface that I curl myself around one pillow and shove my face in another and cry, I cry like that little girl who just lost her parents.

It threw me into a depression that lasted days. I’d be allowed to just sit and process and cry. My Doctor for that would come in and check on me and try to get me talking about it with the resident grief councilor there. I got a shot of something now and then and pills too. They’re actually really good too they came to me when I got this way. Came into my roof and just talked to me and really mostly listened to me as I went through all the stages of both losing them all over again but at my anger for The Bastard who molested me taking that life I should have had that happiness and joy I had at being their little girl away from me. He stole memories of those years from me and locked Samantha Chase behind a wall of nightmares.

I’ll say this much if I wasn’t filled full of female hormones and having my emotions so much more on the surface than before and this have come back on me. I would have killed myself. Being here has saved my life.

But it has slowly gotten better; I’ve been getting better able to deal with all of my issues.

I’m also getting really in shape in the well stuporvised gym and getting to be a regular ace at checkers and ping pong.

But it’s all a distraction….I’ve been avoiding Brandon.

He’s come to see me like seven times and each time I’ve said I’m not taking visitors. Just what the hell do I say to him? I’m afraid to even look at him. I’m scared of the freak out that I’ll have if I see him. Eli has shown up four times or so and he’s kept me in the loop with stuff up at Brandon’s and that Brandon and Cass have been taking care of my place.

Cass…Cass has been such an awesome friend. I know what she did stepping in as my legal council when I was out of it. I know she’s saved my life a few times just by being there…for me and being here too.

She’s taken her vacation time to spend it driving back and forth to come every couple days to see me. If she arrives when I’ve been having a bad day she rents a room at the closest motel and stays until I’m ready to take visitors. She brings me my newspapers from home my laundry and she brings me a large double-double from Tim’s every time she comes to see me. And I look forward to seeing her more and more to we talk on the phone during my hour of phone time, and we talk online during my online time too. She’s damned funny and she’s a real good friend, even…more? I’m attracted to her which my Doctors say is alright, that I can be transgendered and still be bisexual. I’ve had dreams of her sometimes, usually right on the nights that she’s visited me.

Then there that whole Mountie girl thing and that whole thing about me being attracted to her because of my idolization of my mom.

The thing is it’s not in my head either…the last time Cass was here she fidgeted at the door to her truck, and chewed on her lower lip then she stepped up and on her tip toes she kissed me.

A real kiss too. She put her arms around my neck and pressed her big DD breasts into my C’s and really kissed me. It wasn’t like my ex-kissed either with Cass it was long and soft but it was so…it felt like nothing I have ever felt with my lipstick sliding against hers and the flavors mixing and the scent of our perfumes blending together and I could even feel my nipples hard as little diamonds rubbing her hard nipples through our bras and our tee shirts. It lasted like ten minutes and when she stepped back we were panting and her eyes had that glaze one gets when you really kind of want somebody and I was hard as a rock.
Yeah…great kiss.

Then she got in her truck and left, when she pulled out the truck stopped a second she looked at me and bit her lip and then gave me a little smile then drove away.

She’s coming today.....I'm really excited actually.

To say that I’m really confused over my feelings for her and the way that I feel for Brandon who I know, or think I might be in love with ever though I shot him. I shot him and tried to blow my brains out and he stops me. And he doesn’t just stop me but he grabbed me and he kissed me.

He might have been going to die and he kisses me. What kind of guy does that?

I’m getting released today.

I’m waiting outside with my bags when Cass pulls up in her brand new Chevy Tahoe. She gets out and I can’t help but notice her. I can’t help but notice a lot of things about her. Her hair is loose but she’s gotten it done and styled so it looks just great in that Sun kissed just slightly wavy golden blonde kind of way. She’s got that kind of sexy blonde hair you’d see on someone like Christina Aguilera or something. She’s five foot seven and she’s got strong shoulders like a girl boxer or something but they fit her so perfectly to go with those full DD breasts of hers. I can sort of see the lace of a very nice Victoria’s secrets style of bra peeking along with the cleavage of her V-necked red tee shirt. Cass was wearing these body hugging skinny jeans and her tan fringe topped leather boots went well with her old vintage western styled buckskin jacket.

God she looks good, stunning even and it’s…a very strange feeling getting aroused as a guy might while my nipples were hardening and I was getting that achy need to be touched feeling in my girls.

Cass swayed up to me and smiled this big beautiful smile at me and stepped up and kissed me pressing against me. It’s just like the last time she kissed me. And honestly it’s confusing a little, but not sexually. I still want to be me. I want to be Samantha Chase; I want to get my body to match my head. I just kind of never actually thought about the sex that I would prefer in bed. After my last few relationships I really didn’t want anything to do with anyone and that just got worse and compounded by my PTSD and the lovely months of hell that Henry Wade and company had given me.

Then I met Brandon; actually I met Cass first but Brandon brought me out of my shell and into being myself again. Or rather as close to my old self as I had been in a long time.
Being attracted to Cass had very much surprised me but I did have a girlfriend back in Toronto and…as bad as she was…Cass is like her total polar opposite. Cass knows me so well and despite me being the mess that I am she still likes me, more than like me she like me for the girl that I am. The kiss alone is proof of that.

She kisses me like I’m beautiful, she kisses me not like I’m a guy at all but that I’m a woman that she cares for despite my medical issues. It’s as validating as Brandon was but in a whole other way.

She breaks the kiss and smiles at me then she starts taking my bags for me.
“Hey...Cass I can do that y’know.”

“Sure you can but I like doing this kind of thing for beautiful girls.”

“Oh really just how many beautiful girls have you done this for?”

“Just you, it’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone.”

“Yeah, I still don’t get that Cass. You’re smart and funny and kind and beautiful I’d think that you’d have any girl who was into girls falling all over you.”

“Kind of… If all I wanted out of life was just casual sex then yeah I’m all set. But to get into a relationship….I’m a cop, and lesbian relationships are rocky at the best of times or they have been for me then toss in me being a cop and getting called out at odd hours and it sometime being dangerous and the chance of getting restationed somewhere…it all adds up and usually in the negative way.”

I can get what she means; I lived with the moving around with mom. She and dad really loved each other but I can remember that each time was more and more stressful and they fought about it sometimes. Mostly about how she could’ve opted for a longer posting so we wouldn’t have to move so much. Mom took all the postings though and the shitty shifts and stuff so when she made LT. She could actually move one last time while I was still young enough to make friends and we moved to dad’s hometown of Bridgeview permanently.

I get why when Cass talks about it she gets this lonely note in her voice. There are a lot of regular families that don’t make it through the cop’s life.

We get into the truck and head for home. It’s about a three hour drive but it’s a beautiful drive. The scenery here is always breathtaking but there’s a lot of it that’s the company and even more right now is being out of there.

I get a little misty as we drive over the suspension bridge and I’m home. I’m looking out at the town and it just looks so…its home, even with all the assholes I’ve had to deal with, it’s still home.

“Cass? Can we stop somewhere, I want to get some flowers and stuff for some graves.”

“Yeah…Sure thing Sam, Anything you want.”

I smile at her and she smiles back. It was a good moment.

I got out at MacArthur’s Flowers and went inside. I know Matt the guy, the son who took the place over. He’s a football jock but his family has always been good to the families of cops, military, medical personnel, firefighter and stuff. His family did the flowers for dad’s funeral, moms too I think. I walk in and Matt looks up at me from his pruning.

“Sam? Sam Chase?”

“Uhm…Yes...”

“It’s me, uhm Matt; I was on the football team.”

“Uhm...Hi?”

“Gosh I heard but wow, you look amazing.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you actually look a lot like your mom.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, your mom was like a total Milf.”

“Matt!”

He’s grinning at me and steps forward and gives me a hug kind of surprising, I wasn’t really that popular in school but I was a track jock, I’ve always been a runner.

“Uhm…Matt? What was that for?”

“Oh…I’m sorry Sam, it’s just because of you I kinda got my head in the right place and my life turned around.”

“Huh? How’d I do that?”

He turns towards the back. “Hey Honey you wanna come out.”

“I already am out quarterback boy.”

That’s said by this rather nice looking youngish guy with short spiked black hair and some tattoo’s and piercings. He gives me this up and down. Matt beams at him. “Jase, baby this is Sam Chase the girl I knew in school who had the guts to actually be who she really was and inspired me to y’know…” Matt lets me go and goes over to Jason I’m guessing and kisses him very openly and deeply. I mean I saw this coming a mile away as they were talking and stuff but to actually see one of the big elite jocks from school passionately kissing another guy was still kind of pleasant shock.

I hang back for a few minutes and let them snog for awhile and I look at some of the blooms. They break the kiss with Jason shoving Matt away. “Forgive my husband he’s still in that out of the closet puppy stage.”

Okay, that raises an eyebrow. “You two are married?”

Jason nods but Matt hugs him from behind, he smiles and leans back on him and shoves his hands into Matt’s front pockets. “Yeah, Matt and I got married last year in Niagara Falls but we’ve been going steady since we met down in Florida State.”

“You guys having any trouble since coming home?”

“Some but it’s been getting better lately, plus Matt here is still the big town hero in a lot of respects.”

Matt’s blushing. I got drafted to play for the Dolphins but when they found out about me and Jason they tried to fire me. I got a good lawyer and got a good enough settlement to buy the shop from Mom and Dad plus a nice place for me and Jase and even some upgrades to the greenhouses and a tiny little bit left for a rainy day.”

“Matt you do know that gay flower shop owner is a stereotype right?”

“My dad fathered seven of us with my mom and three without her, it’s just a stereotype and one I don’t mind. I get to help people in a creative way. And speaking of which how can I help you today Sam?”

“I wanted to get some stuff to plant at my parent’s graves and my Aunt’s too. Plus a little something for the girl in the truck.”

God they both went over to look, they couldn’t have been more obvious if the were waving. Waving and wearing hot pink. Matt says “Wow, she’s gorgeous, how long have you been seeing her?”

“I don’t know, she’s been a friend for awhile now and she’s gone down to visit me in the hospital a lot over the last three months and there’s always been an attraction there but we’ve only recently started to start heading there…”

“Oh you two haven’t”

“No, not yet. But she’s really special to me Matt you think you can come up with something special for her?”

“Sure!” god he sounds happy, yeah he’s a gay florist. I can’t help but smile as I shake my head.

It takes awhile and we chit chat as Matt and Jason put together not just some flowers but a couple of wreathes as well. That kind of drives home it’s now December, Christmas time it’s actually the 10th.

Wow, time sure flies when you’re in the nuthouse having fun. The boys tell me about some stuff they’ll order up to fancy up the family plot that we can plant come springtime which I’m really grateful for. Mat does up a nice bouquet of six white roses around three red roses and a bit of babies breath in between it all to fill it in and fluff it out and ties it all together with a black satin ribbon. He even has this charm bracelet to put on it instead of a tag. Jason apparently makes jewelry. I really hope she likes both.

Cass has a large Tim’s double-double waiting for me with a Boston cream doughnut when I carry the stuff out to the truck and put it in the back. I put the flowers for her and my family though in on the seat with us. “Mmmn, thanks for that Cass.”

“Hey no problem it looked like you were talking to friends in there so I decided to grab us a coffee.”

“And doughnuts.”

“Whaddaya expect I’m a cop.”

“Yeah…” I lean over and kiss her gently on the lips and she easily returns it. Wow, even with the coffee and the food I still get that silky sensation of soft lips on soft lips and both of our lipsticks working on each other. We break the kiss as she starts the truck up but Cass licks her lips in this I was yummy to her kind of sexy impish way.

I can’t help but look at her now and them as we drive and head out of town to my place. The town looks nice, and all the Christmas decorations are mixing into the feeling of being glad to be home. I’m really glad to be home.

Then we get home and I see Brandon’s place. It’s beautiful. The ranch house s all redone to look like Stonework and old fashioned stained wood working with the big flagstones extended deck and the wrap around porch and the gable roof. The barn and the garage are all done to match it as well as there’s a greenhouse and a really big long barn in the back. He’s got a stained wood fence with the poles as the runner things in between all the posts and the entire scene of seeing it is seeing out in the fields he’s got horses.

And seeing it gives me this ache deep down inside of myself. I’m scared shitless and I missed this all so much. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as we pull up my lane and the first thing I see is my dad’s truck there completely refinished it’s one of those old 1967 ford half tons with that kind of square boxy cab and now it’s like it was brand new, and it’s even got the literal fire engine red paint job that dad had done on it and white walled tires. It’s beautiful…It brings back so many memories and then I see something else.

I see the guys; all of them are here in my yard on ladders all over my house and decorating it all up for Christmas. They all start to come down off of their various perches and ladders and stuff to come over and give me these really big really needed hugs. It’s like I’m coming home to all the brothers that I never had growing up.

Then I see him.
Brandon.
He…He…He looks good, really damned good. Tall and still built but he’s actually lost some weight around the middle not that I was complaining but it shows in the white tee shirt he’s wearing. He’s in those old faded second skin work jeans of his faded just right just stained enough to make them look like the hot hardworking guy…man that he is. A red plaid work shirt is tied off grunge styled around his waist and he’s wearing work boots on. He’s gotten a hair cut too, it’s cut down short on top and the side a bit longer than the military hair cuts it’s more like the short business styled men’s classic hair cut kind of like he had in done regs style but he grew in out like a 1950’s style without the brylcreame.

With his dark brown hair it looks really good especially the sides of his head being just touched with the right amount of sexy grays. My heart’s pounding a mile a minute and my mouth’s gone dry and he’s still walking up to me and oh god I’m scared…I mean, I…I…I shot him.

The first thing he does is step right up and he wraps those massive arms around me and hugs me...holds me actually and I start to cry. I can’t help it, I can’t I’ve dreamt about him doing this, holding me and the way that it feels. The way that he smells; that real man smell mixed with the scent of nice cologne but that being tempered even more with the hints of leather and sawdust. Brandon holds me as I sob into his chest and…I don’t know how many minutes later I pull away just enough to look at him.

“Oh god Brandon I’m…I’m so sorry.”

“Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay I know what was going on. I kind of even knew it then and I was more scared about you hurting yourself the way you had slipped into shock like that.”

“But…But…”

“Yeah, you have a nice butt.”

“Brandon!” I hit him but it’s only a half hearted slap.

He Kisses me.

I’m crying and he’s kissing me like in the movies. His hands coming up from my sides to cup my chin and my face and it’s one of those over and over kisses that leaves you feeling the world is turning around us like in the 360 sweeping camera views.

I swear I heard music.

“I missed you Samantha Chase.”

He kisses me again just like the last one. It’s just as good as the last one, but as it ends I’m realizing I’m kissing Brandon right in front of Cass. I pull away, and look at him. Then I look at her. Cass is leaning against her truck she’s smiling at me but it’s a kind of a sad smile too.

Bridges 14

Chapter 14

So…

What the hell should I do? I…I break the kiss with Brandon.

“Brandon, Brandon….I…I…can’t, I can’t get as involved as we were getting okay? It’s not good for me right now. And…and I’ve kind of…no...That’s not fair; I’ve gotten involved with Cass.”

I can’t help but to step back a little and hang my head, he’s been so great. He doesn’t deserve my bullshit.
“I know.”

WTF? “Huh?”

“He knows.” Cass says that as she walks up to me and slips a hand around my waist.

“Huh?” excuse me folks my hamster’s off the wheel and ducking for cover.

“She showed up the other day and told me.”

I turn to look at her. She still looks nervous, scared maybe, she nods. “I mean I kissed you and kind of started things Sam. God I really, really like you and I just…I just wanted…a chance?” There’s that really shiny look in her eyes of gathered up tears. I look at Brandon who shoves his hands in his pockets.
“So, Cass tells you and you did what?”

“I asked her, how it was. How you seemed afterwards and if she was serious.”

I look at Cass who nods.

“Most guys would be pissed Brandon.”

“I’m not most guys.”

“Yeah but we were getting into a relationship weren’t we I mean before I…”

Cass hugs me then Brandon just steps up and hugs me too, at…the…same…time.

“I don’t understand?” it comes out as a whine.

“C’mon, how about we go inside and talk about this where we can sit down and really hash this out.”

He says. Cass pulls me towards the house by her arm around my waist. “Yeah that sounds like a good idea Brandon.”

She says it with a sniff and she looks as messed up as I do. I kind of get it that Cass hasn’t really had many relationships and the one’s she’s had didn’t pan out. Brandon smiles that cute half a smile at me and rubs her arm as he passes us.

“You two go in I’ll get the bags and stuff.” Then he heads to the truck, He really isn’t like most guys.

We get inside the living room and the guys all kind of grinned at me. And as we went inside I hear. Bobby and Steve talking… “Sam’s definitely a girl.”
“H’yup.”
“So much drama.”
“H’yup.”

I can’t help but smile and there’s a little laugh from Cass as she’s wiping away a few tears. I slip over and help wipe them away. There’s part of me that likes doing this for somebody.

“So, you and Brandon seem to have gotten to know each other?”

Cass nods and sniffles kind of cutely.

“Yeah, it just kind of happened as we were taking care of your place. He actually brought up the whole thing about me really liking you so much.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, he said me going down so much was a bit…” Brandon comes in with the bags. “I said it was a bit above and beyond where you two being new friends and everything.”

I look at them both, then just him. “So how do you feel about me and Cass?”

“Sam, you know I’ve got this…Me…view of things. I care about you; I think this could be something really great, you and me. But I can see that you’re really into Cass too and I don’t blame you. I’ve gotten to know her too over the last few months; she’s become my friend too. Cass you took care of me too while I was still hurt, you’re all kinds of awesome. Sam, I love you, I mean it Sam. I think I’m falling in love with you. But Cass is important to both of us, you and her might have something too, and she’s my friend…I don’t hurt my friends. So…What I’m guessing, I’m asking more than saying. You think you could love both of us?”

I’m honestly stunned. The thought of not having to choose is kind of not what I expected.

“But what if this heads in one direction after awhile?”

“It can, heck it probably will Sam, but we’ll still be friends, we’re friends now. So what if it does work.”

“But…I...I know that I can’t give you both equal time, or equal attention someone’s going to get hurt…”

“Sam, love’s not about measuring time, it’s timeless, it’s not about who loves who more because we love different stuff about each of each other.”

“But you and Cass?”

“We’re grown ups Sam, I’m good with it. I love you and Cass has become family.”

“But…”

“I keep telling you’ve got a nice butt.”

“Brandon…”

He’s got that half smile on his face.

“You’re really okay with this?”

“Yeah, are you?"

I look at him then at Cass who’s been really quiet this whole time. “What about you?”

She looks at me them kind of bites her lower lip. “I really, really like you Sam; I haven’t felt like this about anyone in a long time. If Brandon’s willing to be enough of a good guy that he’ll let us at least have the chance to try…I want it, I’ll take it and…honestly…I get that he does uhm things for you…but it’s more than that…He’ll be there when stuff while I’m on duty might take me away from you. That’s killed relationships before Sam.”

I look at both of them and shake my head and “I think I need to go back to the center, I’ve got to be crazy, Okay…okay, we’ll try this.” Brandon smiles and Cass has this nervous look but there’s this kind of happy glow. Then the best, nicest and weirdest thing happens. Brandon kisses me but he also puts the flowers I got for Cass in my hands still wrapped. He nuzzles my face and Whispers in my ear. “I some how don’t think you got these for me and she needs a bit of reassurance like this hon.” I nod and he smiles at both of us and heads off to the kitchen. He’s right, I think Cass needs this...at least this much and yet...

He’s just taking it too well? Aren’t guys supposed to either throw a fit if his girlfriend goes like lesbian on him and stuff or at the very least is being with someone else? But then again he’s a straight guy or he sees himself that way yet me being the way I am has never fazed him. And he called me hon…My brain is still kind of going through the motions. I’ve never had that kind of relationship with anyone like I have with him or with Cass.

I close my eyes just for a minute and breathe a little. Then I walk over to where Cass is sitting on my sofa. “Hey…I uhm…I…got these for you.” I pass her the flowers. Cass’s eyes widened and she took them. She unwrapped them with these really big eyes; I’ve never seen a girl have quite that reaction to getting flowers before. Her eyes spilled over with tears too and she buried her face in them for several long seconds. “Oh god Sam they’re so beautiful…I’ve…I’ve never gotten flowers before.”
“Never?”

“Never, I’ve only ever been the one to buy them.”

“Never?”

“No, Never not even from my dad, it’s not like he’s a bad guy but he is the kind of guy that’d never think of them. My god these are just…thank you Sam! Thank you they’re beautiful.”

Cass slides over to me and takes my arm and pulls me to the couch where she plants this long, slow, sweet kiss on my lips. Even with everything that’s gone on today there is just this spark that fires up when we’re kissing. I love, really love that satin, sexy glide of my lipstick on hers. Of our full soft lips touching intimately. My hands stroke her face and the sides of her neck and I gently tuck a few loose strands of hair away from her eyes as we kiss.

A very strong, very erotic shudder, charge ripples through me as her hands reach up and caress my breasts through my shirt and my bra. It feels so different that I’ve ever been touched, so delicately and gentle and knowing. Cass is making me ache in a way that I’ve never felt before and my bra feels suddenly too tight, to constricting I really want out of it and my shirt just so I can feel her skin on mine, her touch.

Cass is the one who backs off and blushes so very prettily. “Oh wow, oh Sam…I’d…but Brandon’s just in the…and you’ve got company…”

I nod but let out a sigh and rest my forehead on her shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay with this Cass?”

She nods and kisses me but it’s just a little one.

“I am, nothing I’ve ever done’s worked before Sam. I’m too old for all the bullshit that goes with stuff like this if we were all younger. I like Brandon, he saw that I liked you he saw or figured out that we had connected and stuff. And you shouldn’t have to really choose between us. Especially now when really we just only barely have gotten to know each other intimately hell it’s really early for any of us to be this serious, so we’ll try it, and we’ll try really hard to stay friends in the meantime.”

I nod. I really want to stay friends, I really want all of us to kind of have that and I know I sound like I’m selfish but I’m really glad I don’t have to choose between Brandon and Cass. I’m not sure I could, I’m not even sure if I could even handle being put in that position. Even after being cleared and after three months of extensive therapy I’m still shaky on the inside.

“Yeah, I really want us to be there for each other and to stay being friends no matter what.”

Brandon makes his way into the living room from the kitchen and passes us both two mugs of coffee. He has his own too and he asks about the wreathes and stuff and I tell him about my aunt and the plot over in the side field where she and mom and dad are buried. He invites us to go out and lay the wreathes and to go and check out the decorating job that the guys are doing on the house.

We actually check out the decorations that they put up first. My barn has white lights up on its trim and a wreathe that Eli’s family made for me out of ribbons and pine boughs. It’s really big and it looks nice.

There those red and green led lights all the way up the top post of my fence that separates my driveway from my front lawn there more pine boughs there and the lights are wound around the boughs with some extra wires here and there to keep them on. There are icicle lights up in the eaves of the house and there’s lights strew in the two skinny cedar trees on either side of my step. They all lead into the house where there are those candelabra lights in the windows of my porch.

The house hasn’t been decorated for anything since my mom had died, it get’s me all bleary eyed and happy. The guys gather with us as we look around the place and it’s a nice build up to us going over to put the wreathes over at mom and dad’s and my aunt’s. Eli’s boys come over with some shears and clip down the grass a bit around the graves and tidy it up for me and for them. I lay the wreaths down and smile. “Merry Christmas you guys, I know I should’ve done this a lot sooner, I know I should come here more…I miss you guys, I love you Mom, Dad I miss you both, I really miss you…...Hey Aunt Shelly, I’m sorry that I never got to see you. That I never really got to know you and visit you. I’m gonna get it together, I promise. I’ll try to come back here a lot more often.”

I’m crying as I leave things are and I’ve got Cass on one side of me and then Brandon on the other side of me holding me and walking me back towards the house. I love the fact they’re both taking care of me but I really don’t deserve this. Once there, Brandon looks at me then gives me a light kiss.

“I’m going to head over to my place and take care of a few chores. Chuck and the girls are over there cooking us all up a big meal so we can break in the dining room. I’ll give you girls a call? You can settle in and get unpacked and stuff.”

I nod. “Thank you.” and kiss him back. He even gives Cass a surprising peck on the cheek that has her blushing.

I get a bunch of other hugs that honestly, coming from the boys, my boys, my guys felt really, really good. Andy and Steve, Chris and Eli plus his two boys. I’ve got this happy glow going on inside. I’ve been on my own and alone long enough that it feels really good to have people who care in my life again.

Cass and I go in the house and I’m getting my things and unpacking them straight to the washer. I have some dirty stuff to do plus I missed the way that my clothes smell when they’re done at home. Cass used to bring me down different stuff for like a week at a time but they were still washed there a couple of times and just don’t have the same thing. Cass is helping but watching me too. A tiny and really cute smile plays over her face. “You’ve missed a few things.”

“What oh...is there more stuff upstairs?”

“No…”

She walks over and kisses me. The she starts to touch my sides and my chest and my breasts and lifts my shirt and peels it off of me. I raise my arms to let her and there’s this cute giggling moment where she can’t get it all the way off me because I’m taller than she is. Then she takes advantage of cupping my breasts in my bra and that’s just so…I can feel the difference in her touch so different than Brandon, so different than my last girlfriend.

It gets better; oh wow it’s never been like this for me. That feel of our kissing, it’s soft and measured and slow but my skin is burning with the need of her touch, her lips. Her hands are touching and feeling my breasts in this soft yet hyper erotic way that has a few little whimpers coming out of me.

I can’t help but get to where I have to have more of her and start to take her clothes off. He jacket then her shirt off up over her head and then she’s there just looking. So beautiful. It’s so different this time, so much more me as another woman being with this Angel of a girl with long thick cascading golden blonde hair and these lovely blue eyes and that athletic body of hers just barely hidden and restrained by this pink lovely lacy Victoria’s Secret bra. Her DD cups are so prominent and so alluring. I’ve never wanted a girl this much; I never wanted to be making love to another woman so much in all my life.

Cass takes my hand and we kiss our way up to my bedroom, hands slithering softly all over each other. My lipstick blending with hers and our breasts touching, pushing, grinding and sliding over each other teased to where my nipples are hurting, my breasts feel swelled with arousal and then she touches my left breast and moves the strap off my shoulder so gently it sends a chill through me and then again as her touch caresses over my breasts, cups me, lifts it in her and a little and touches my areola with her knuckles the soft yet nubbley skin going over all those nerves…oh… “Cass...” then she gently rolls my nipple between her thumb and fore finger a few times. “Caaass…” I hiss as the sensations are driving me, taking me over. My legs part and my body shifts forward and I’m rubbing my self against her knee…It’s an unconscious reaction then…she plucks me…Her first two fingers and her thumb closing over my nipple a she pulls on it but lets her fingers slide off of it and she does that over and over like she’s pulling on it like it was a tiny little you know…It gets so sensitive it hurts. I want into so bad, even if I’m not sure what it is I want and I can only whine as she’s doing that to me. She kisses me passionately again, so softly I’m not sure if I’m not just dreaming all of this. Cass breaks our kiss and I’m panting but our eyes are locked even as she moves down and takes my nipple into her hot wet mouth.

“Oh…god…Cassie…” It’s breathless, it’s a whine of torture and my voice raises a few bars as her perfect lips and her tongue suckle but kiss my nipple just as softly but as passionately and it takes me right over the edge of what I can handle and I cum in my panties. My knees gave, it came so hard and strong it took the strength out of me and it made my balls hurt…boy ovaries or whatever it was so strong and so fast…it hurt I released that much when I’m really unused to releasing at all anymore.

Cass takes me by the hands to my room and walks me back to the bed. It’s all cleaned up, and neat and orderly and I’ve got a brand new hardwood floor in her to boot. I can’t even tell where it was, the place I shot Brandon at.

She get’s my bra off the rest of the way and pushes me down on the bedspread. She smiles at me and keeps driving me insane by all the naughty things that she is doing to my breasts. She opens up my dresser drawer and takes out my KY warming gel and she puts it on her hands then she massages it into my breasts. She’s is really, really good at using the slickness of my breasts and her hands. I’m kind of reduced to tears of joy and whispering and whimpering her name occasionally when it just not unintelligible babblings of pleasure induced delirium.

Cass pulls back and off of me and she goes over and runs her fingers down my CD rack until she finds one and puts it in the stereo. She strut, slides, sways her way over in from of me and she starts to unbutton my pants and pull them off of me. She’s dancing and swaying as she is doing it and looking right at me and I bite my lower lip and lift my hips to help her. She takes my panties off with them and tosses the onto the floor. The she steps back and she does this little dance turn of her body and flips her hair over her shoulder and starts to feel herself up in front of me as the dulcet tones of Alana Myles starts to sing one of my favorite songs…”Lover of Mine.”

It’s her jeans first, dancing like she’s this boneless apparition of the girl of my dreams that I never dreamt about…I want her, I’ve never really wanted a woman before even when I was in a relationship with one but Cass…Cass I know I want, as myself, as Samantha. And it feels like I’ve wanted her for a long, long time. I love the sexy way she just seems to shimmy out of her pants one side at a time until she can just step out of them. I love watching her slide her own hands up her legs and then run her hands over the exquisite matching panties she’s got on. Rubbing her most feminine curve, sliding one finger under the lace of the leg. Staring at me as she dips a hand down inside and that exotic, erotic look that gets on a woman’s face as she becomes a sexual being just has my own hands wandering on myself. Then she slides her hands up and deftly undoes her bra.
Revealing her lovely breasts.

Oh my…I’m sure my mouth watered.

Cass has these absolutely lovely breasts, full with a really perfect symmetry to them but lush and full and heavy. She has these light brownish pink aureole about two inches in diameter and these perfect little nipples that are just about the shape and size of those tiny wild strawberries, yes about the sized of the eraser on the end of a pencil but just as delectable as the tiny little wild fruit.

She kept dancing and I’m entranced as she takes more of the KY warming gel and rubs it over herself in this very baby oil kind of way but like she was born to dance like this and move like that. She slides back onto the bed shedding her underpants as she did and slid on top of me. she’s soon kissing me and grinding against my moving my leg so she can rub her sex into my kneecap…Cass is shaved there…a first for me. Those kisses are so sweet but the sensations of my slippery breasts slipping and sliding and caressing and counter caressing each other is driving the both of us higher and higher and one of her hands and slides down to touch then fondle the to stroke my Jane Austin….yes, It’s what I call it. I got the idea from hearing or rather remembering some soldier I was stationed with calling his… his John Thomas.

Sorry for the divergence from what I was saying…the oddest thoughts pop in your head during sex sometimes right?

I’m crying out her name again in these almost like I’m hurting breathy gasps and whines and moans. I bite my lip a little too hard at some point in there and she’s saying my name too.
I can’t help but to helplessly buck in her hand as I spill out again more than I thought I could or at all and my bucking moves my leg that she’s on and I see something I’ve never seen…Cass sheathed in sex sweat and nodding her head yes over and over, rubbing, grinding on my knee, then her head snaps back and her nostrils flare and she’s biting her lower lip and crying and whining as she heaves her way to an orgasm, she’s clutching and holding her breasts… “Oh…fff…Samanthaaaa…”

I’ve never seen a woman really have a passionate orgasm before, It’s stunning, it’s what I want so much it kind of hurts inside. It’s not that screaming, moaning, crying out thing. It’s that glow. I watch with excitement and jealousy as she lights up, there’s this glow that suffuses here entire body as she hits that female peak…Did I feel that with Brandon that really great night? Or is this something that I’ll really never touch?

But Cass is just too beautiful to dwell to long on this. She’s still panting when I sit up and kiss her holding her by the neck and slip my tongue into the kiss. Once I capture her tongue I tease it with mine and suck on her tongue like it was something else entirely. I move my hands to her slippery sweaty breasts and cup them, hold them and fondle them, gentle touches and squeezes before I lower my mouth to her nipples. The gasp and cry out is oh so rewarding. I’ve never been like this with any girl before…I know what I love being done to me and I can put myself into her place…Oh…I suddenly get something like this epiphany about that’s part of why same sex, sex can work so well. It’s not about knowing what your partner will like, it’s the empathy of it. It’s really being able to show what you love in intimacy to your partner and they’re able to experience you…in such a unique and intimate way.

I slip one of my hands down to her slick folds and I go with that, I kiss her, I suckle on her breasts and my hand gently but insistently does all those things and touches and inside movements…all those things I feel with that ache deeply inside me, I want, need to be touched like this. And Cass, Cassie moves in my embrace and makes sounds I’ve never been able to make a woman make before. She kisses me back and we’re both crying, saying each others name and she shakes and cries out twice more, feverishly, intensely and the second time she bites my shoulder as she rides and spasms over/around my hand.

She’s holding onto me and I’m holding onto her as we’re panting. Cass lifts her head and kisses me long and slow and deep, she’s crying a little and her make up is totaled in the sexiest of ways. And there is this look in her eyes.

“Sam…oh god Sam!, Samantha…I can’t help this, I can’t…I think I was falling for you ever since I met you….I love you. Without a doubt I know I love you now.”

She kisses me and moves to where she’s straddling me…well Jane, well you know and she holds my little girl and slides down onto me. I can’t help but gasp. I haven’t been in a woman since high school, my lesbian ex just wouldn’t let me, militant she pushed on my dislike of that part of me even though she had a thing for her strap on. Cass just like everything else she’s done and bridged right over that bad experience, that bad relationship. She’s so like that song Bridge over troubled water. I don’t really know it but the sentiment fits. I’m kind of in shock for the first few seconds of it and Cassie wraps her arms around my neck and I lower my hands to her waist and hips and start rolling my hips and we’re kissing and really symbiotic way…My breasts touching hers, that sheerly erotic way we kiss and I let go of the way that I’m feeling and feel it a new way, I try to give her what, I’d want done to me, I try and do to Cassie some of those sweet things that Brandon’s done to me…that even now once I’m finally sorted I want him to do to me…it’s that and more as Cass makes the connection between it all by talking dirty to me in my ear about…

“God Sam, you’re so hot inside of me, your clitty is so, hard it feels so good….so good baby…rub it on mine, rub it on mine…”

She keeps that stream of talk going, it gets to me and speeds me up and she’s bouncing on me and our breasts are together rubbing and bouncing and my third Cum is just as hard if now harder than my first as it’s like before but having Cass tighten up and her insides spasm around me I’m carried away by the empathy of the entire thing.

I swear for a few nano-seconds I wasn’t me, I was her and feeling it…and my orgasm is so much more because I’m having that completely different kind of orgasm than the ones I’ve known. Or used to know. This was like that really life changing night with Brandon but totally different. It’s like getting to the same place, by an entirely different route.

We collapse onto the bed a mess of sweat and sex and slipperiness panting for awhile then snuggling into each other, just kissing and touching each other in a way that only two women can. It’s kind of serendipity that the stereo starts to play Dido’s “Who makes you feel.”

And somewhere near the end of that song we fall asleep. I tried to fight it off, a little scared of the sleep and the dreams that’d come. It’d Cass who get’s me to drift off by spooning into me her breasts pressing into my back but her strong arms around me and our legs intertwined.

“Sshh, Sam it’s okay baby, It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

The phone wakes us. Cass passes it to me. “Iszum Brandon.”

I can’t help it, but I’m nervous as I take the phone. “Uhm Hello?"

“Hey, I though I’d give you two a ring and let you know that supper’s going to be ready in about half and hour.”

“Okay…uhm, thanks Brandon.”

“I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Yeah.”

“Sam…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad you’re home…I missed you.”

“Uhm…”

“You still say that a lot. I’ll …“uhm”…see you girls in a few.”

I can’t help but smile at how, he’s missed me. How he’s still teasing me and everything.
I roll out of bed, and look at Cass who’s face down in the pillow, I can’t help but take her in, she’s got all these beautiful curves. I wish I could have those. I’m getting some extra cushion as my body is putting stuff where it needs to be, but it can’t change my skeleton, my shoulders will always be off and my hips will always be too narrow…sigh…a well, one can only dream.

I reach down and run my fingers on the bottom of her foots and she yanks it away at light speed. I sit back down on the bed and grab her and tickle her. Cass explodes into laughter and pleas and spasms as apparently she is very ticklish.

“Sam!, Sam!, Samantha! Please, please stop, stop it!”

“Oh, how can you be a Mountie when all a crook has to do is tickle you!”

“Nooooo!, please…!” She’s kicking and yelling and shoots out of the bed hand over her crotch and runs to the bathroom.

“That’s not fair!”

I hear her taking a pee and sniffling as I come it. She looks at me and sniffs. “Bitch.”
That’s oddly pleasing to me. She said it in fun and it’s at the same time a backhanded shout out to my being a woman.

I lean down and cup her face and kiss her.

So what does it mean, when you can kiss a girl while she’s on the toilet and still find her beautiful?

We shower together and it’s a lot of flirty fun and us soaping each other up and touching each other and kissing. I really loved soaping up each others breasts and washing each others hair. Then getting dressed for going over to Brandon’s. The thing is it’s Brandon and the guys so I get to be me. I’m this, laid back kind of girl. Give me a pair of cute panties and a nice bra but just a simple shirt and some old jeans. It’s exactly what I climb into. Just my pink zip front hooded sweatshirt and one of my Canadian armed forces issued green tee shirts and a pair of my faded jeans and my sneakers. Cass has clothes here…I look at her as she’s getting slipping into her Victoria’s Secret lingerie and a nice floral print dress that shows off her curves, hints at her under things and is really girly. I smile at her.

“What?…oh…I just I guess ended up leaving a few things here while I would help Brandon take care of the place, I can move it back…”

I kiss her. “No, just leave it here, I like that you have things here.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, really.” I look her over. “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks, it’s just I’ve spent so much time and stuff in uniform and under the vest and stuff I feel like I need to breathe, and disconnect from it.”

I kiss her again and take her by the hand as we head over to Brandon’s house.

“Yeah I get that, I’m still wondering just what wearing field kit like this is going to be like.”

We get over and let ourselves in or Cass does. We’re hit by the smell of fried chicken, Brandon’s place has a sunken living room and everyone’s there. Two girls I don’t know are there and another guy I’ve never met sitting on this stone ledge by the fireplace with an acoustic guitar and a denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a straw cowboy hat on his face. His eyes, very vivid blue eyes connect with mine from where he’s at and he gives me this really nice smile.

The table’s being set by several people in the dining room that’s just off of the kitchen but off of the sunken living room too. I see Brandon come out of the kitchen and he smiles at me and my heart skips a beat…He’s clean shaven and that new hair cut mixed with a nice kind of tight black tee shirt…he’s lost like I said some weight, and nice black dress pants.

He comes over and he hugs me and gives me alight peck on the cheek. But he hugs me tight, gives my bum a squeeze. “I missed you.”

“I wasn’t gone that long.”

“It’s not what I meant. You weren’t there the last time I saw you. I was scared to lose you after waiting do long to find you.”

There is just something you can see in someone’s eyes when they really love you.
Cass just give this sideways glance and smile, and pushes me into Brandon. She gives me this smile and walks in to talk with the others.

I can’t really help myself as Brandon was watching the whole thing unfold and I step up closing the gap and wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. Long and deeply and sweetly.

“I’m here, I getting better an I love you too.”

Bridges 15

Chapter 15

I lose myself in the moment, Cass seems good with all of this. I just kind of sway dance there in Brandon’s arms. We kiss for a little bit and he smells so good. Man scent blended with soap that’s like this English leather kind of scent, clean clothes, and a bit of this scent of soil, and greenery. I have always loved the way that he smells.

I can’t help but to be in a good mood. My friends are here and Cass looks so beautiful in her dress and Brandon’s smiling. He kisses me and I kiss him back and we go and join the others. He gives Cass a kiss on the cheek and invites us in to eat. We get introduced all around and the new guy is Brandon’s blood brother Ryan. He’s got a nice smile and he get’s up and sets his guitar aside and gives me this really big hug. Okay I might be feeling a bit sluttish because Ryan is just as hot a guy as Brandon just a blue eyed blonde haired version of him.

And yes I’m instantly attracted to him. Yeeesh, like my love life’s already not complicated enough.

He hugs Cass who hugs him back and he gets a “Hey Ry…” She smiles at him and honestly seems like she’s glad to see him and the same seems to go for Ryan too.

Bobby and Steve brought Jenny and Blayne their long term girlfriends and Cass and I get introduced to them. Being the girlfriends of their two good old Christian boys they are checking us both out. Blayne’s blunt. “So which of you two is the guy.”

I look at Cass and considering the sex we just had we start smirking. Cass grins at her. “Well Hon, I’m the lezzy but you’re definitely giving me wood.”

Blayne gets than stunned first time a good god fearing girl getting hit on by another woman look on her face. Jenny is turning red from being embarrassed. I give Cass a little pull to me by the strap of her dress and she kind of floats over. I give her a long slow kiss with lot’s of tongue in front of them. They’re both staring at us with that OMG expression clearly on their faces. My hands slide down Cass’s slender sides and over the flare of her hips and around those to her perfect bottom. She presses her breasts into mine. I lose myself in the moment.

I look at Blayne. “Well, I don’t know what you know but I’m the transgendered woman the boys told you about.”

“I thought you, were like a fag and not into girls?”

“I’m born in the wrong body, I just wanted to set things right, and be the girl I am.”

“But you’re not a girl, You can’t have children.”

Cass gives her this serious look. “Neither can my sister and she was born a genetic girl.”

“Well that’s different, that’s gods will.” Blayne’s getting snitty. We’re offending her reality.

Cass looks at her like she just shoplifted something, I know that look. It’s a cop thing and Mom used to use it on people. “Well was Sam really being a girl born into a boy’s body was gods will too? If that’s the case I think he goofed.”

Blayne looks really mad now. “God doesn’t make mistakes you little…” Her friend Jenny slaps her arm, hard. “Blayne!, Jesus would take you talking like that. The fellas said and what Brandon said and I think it’s right.”

“Oh, so What was that?” I’m kind of curious.

Jenny looks at me and smiles as she does the rocking on her heels schoolgirl thing. She’s young, wholesome in that twenty something country girl kind of way. “Well he said that God made us in his image but we don’t know that we aren’t done yet. It’s more like we are being made in his image. Like art, each piece is like individual, the person we’re gonna be is fluid we all change and grow. It’s like you, in the first strokes god looked like her was painting a boy but there’s gonna be a beautiful woman there when he’s done.” She’s looking at me and smiling, beaming ever with that “I believe” happiness.

“That’s not quite what I said Jen but close enough.” Brandon came over and slid and arm around my waist. Cass is leaning on the other side of me. This feels nice. I kind of really like the way that Cass just jumped in and defended me. I like the kind of making sense of god and stuff that Brandon has. Blayne’s giving the three of us the look. She doesn’t say anything but it’s there. We’re challenging her status quo of how the world works and she’s not happy about it. She’s not saying anything more but if she was with her people, her crowd I’m sure there’d be a lynch mob forming. I could say I wonder what Steve see’s in her but she’s really good looking. She knows it too.

Brandon leads us over to the dining room table. It’s nice way more my speed. Twelve feet long, four feet wide and made from thick planks of varnished old seasoned wood. It’s not dainty, neither are the seats and the room was built for this table and using it. It’s got this great character to it and I can’t help but smile, Like some great old bar or tavern table this..this fits Brandon. Cass runs her hand over the seasoned wood. “Ryan did a great job with this.”

I look at her. “You two seem close?”

She smiles at me. “I met Ryan a long time ago when we were kids, I was just coming out and had some trouble with some guys not liking the fact that me and my girlfriend we’re really interested when they came onto us at the fair. They wanted to take what they wanted from us and they met Ryan who introduced them to a pipe wrench.”

Ryan’s sitting close by and has his hat off, long thick golden blonde hair with just a few grays in it. Ruggedly handsome and built like he’s worked all his life. “Ah it was actually a big old socket wrench from one of the semi trucks but when your brawling you just kinda make it up as you go along.” He smiles at us and I feel a wave of heat from every woman here. He’s got this killer smile, it comes out from his heart, it’s in his eyes and it’s part rogue, and part harass and a whole lot of boy next door charming. “But that was just the first time me and Casey here met.”

I’m intrigued. “Casey? And other times?”

Cass is blushing, Ryan’s grinning. “Casey came from when I knew her when she was in the academy. I was working a combine at the time and she was sporting her first butch haircut. It looked just like that hair cut like the puppet kid from Mr. Dressup, it just kinda stuck.”

Cass, Casey is really blushing and that get’s a few chuckles from around the room. Cass recovers and grins a bit sheepishly. “I was still finding myself in those days.” She smiles a bit at Ryan, he smiles back. There was something there.

I’m too curious. “So where you two?”

Blayne spoke up shot off her mouth. “I thought you were gay, Casey.”

Cass looks at her. “I am, I’m a lesbian. It doesn’t mean that I never tried not being straight Blayne. I mean think about it. Who the hell wants to be that different? I’ve never met anyone that wanted to be gay or lesbian or transgendered or anything else that isn’t mainstream approved.” When she said approved she did the air quotes thing with her fingers. Bobby’s looking at Steve, Steve looks embarrassed. Blayne looks oblivious to the way her attitude is wrecking the get-together. He takes her hand. “C’mon Blayne…take yer purse.” He leads her outside and takes their coast off the wall. Andy nuzzles into Jenny who looks kind of sad and Cass looks close to crying she’s that worked up.

Ryan locks eyes with Cass a few seconds then sticks his tongue out at her then raises his eyebrow. She laughs. “No, still not even.”

He looks stricken. “No…but…but..why? We had such a good time together?”

Cass smiles. “No, seriously Ryan, you were the closest I’ve ever got. Really, I just can’t connect with guys, it’s just not there dude. No matter how hung your tongue is.” We laugh, Jenny’s new to this whole thing because her hands are covering her mouth and she’s laughing really hard but her eyes are wide. I’m hoping this is a positive experience for her.
We can hear Steve and Blayne outside in a screaming match. Brandon get’s up and turns on the stereo. But we hear her. We hear her say things like “My God doesn’t...” and Steve’s “You don’t speak for God!” and “Because I’m not about the hate!”
And “Faggots” and “Dykes” and “Prairie-niggers” before the music blocks the fight out.

We try making small talk and Brandon looks at me. “Why don’t you call your two florist friends and Lacey we can make this maybe a real get together kind of thing. Cass why don’t you call and see if Andy’s free.”

I nod and get up and use one of the phones in the parlor. I call Lacey first. She’s more than happy to come out. She said she was just going to be a little bit. I called the guys and Matt was over the moon happy at getting invited to a dinner party and Jase took the phone from him and said they’d be happy to come and if they could bring anything. I take my head from the phone and look at Brandon. “They want to know if they can bring anything.” He thinks for a minute. “Not really, but it’s a get together so it’s cool if they do.” I relay the message and look at him.

“You don’t have to have them all over, you don’t have to go through all this trouble for me.”

Brandon’s on his way into the kitchen. I start to follow. He looks at me. “Cass has friends here too, most of the people here knew me first. This is me setting down roots for the first time in my life Sam. I want this. We’ve all been through enough, we’ve all worked hard enough. Let’s actually enjoy our lives before their over.” He snags me by my pocket and pulls me into a kiss. I kiss him back. He’s right y’know. I’ve been through so much…I’m more then ready to start my life now.

We go into his kitchen and the finished product is wonderful. It this long country styled upgraded kitchen. One wall has this lovely white spruce set of cabinets and cupboards underneath all with those black patina styled handles and hinges. All of the appliances are that glossy new styled stuff that’s eco-friendly energy saver stuff. There’s a large matching island and on the other side of that wall are the stoves and ovens and a grill. There’s a larder with saloon doors and a small walk in beside that. At the end of the kitchen is a neat little booth and a set of curved windows that are like a mini green house that’s full of plants that look like cooking herbs and stuff. I recognize chives and the rosemary. You can see from there out to what’s behind the house and there’s a door that leads out to a mud room that has laundry machines in there. In short, Wow.

“Mon Cheri! Samantha!” Chuck exclaims when he sees me and after wiping off his hands he grabs me in a big OTT Frenchman’s hug and spins me around and kisses me once on both cheeks and a smack on my lips. It’s just so…Chuck, friendly and fun and so very not like most people here out west. I’m giggling and hugging him back. I missed him too. By the smell of the food I’m already drooling. I hug him again. “I missed you too, my tres beau Sharles, How can I help out?”

“Eets, Chuck please, soulment ma Mama ou ma Grand-Mere calls me Sharles.”

I smile and kiss his cheek. “Bein sur, Chuck it is.”

Brandon and I lend a hand. I’m cutting potatoes for the fries and Brandon’s doing big onion slices for onion rings. Chuck’s a professional chef so he’s all over the place. The biggest thing is him making this awesome fried chicken. I’m not giving out what’s in it but I’ve never had chicken this good in my entire life. You eat this and it’s not foodgasmic it’s chickengasmic.

There’s lots of great eats, including stuff I’ve never tried. Fried okra. Fried potato and sweet potato wedges, homemade onion rings another beyond good thing, baked potato skins filled with scalloped potatoes with chives and bacon and melted cheddar on top. There’s nacho’s that are homemade? Did you know if you take a soft corn tortilla and cut it up and deep fry then you get nacho chips?

And then there’s the salsas, there’s the normal with tomatoes and all that but with hominy and chunks of sweet potato and squash fried in some bacon fat and tossed in a touch of BBQ sauce and chili powder before being added to the regular salsa. Then there’s this dark salsa that has black beans in it, red onion, some purple heirloom tomatoes and chipotle peppers in the sauce from the can but what really makes it is the chunks of bacon and it’s fried with this really funky stuff called huitlacoche, it’s some kind of fungus or mushroom but goes really well with the crunchy chips the creamy beans and the bacon flavors all pulled together by the pepper.

There’s a few other things tossed in too. Elk burgers, and king crab legs, some fried black codfish and of course smoked salmon all from Eli’s family. There’s enough to do to set the table, cut up condiments and set them out along with the store bought stuff.

In between trips I see Cass getting Andy a beer and Lacey coming in on my next trip out to the table and she and I hug. And I get a beer and get her a drink from the bar (Mudslide?) in the living room that Ryan is manning in the living room. Lacey’s dressed a bit high end but it’s Lacey and she isn’t too overly done up compared to Jenny and Cass.

Andy is outside talking to Steve. Blayne’s nowhere in sight. I catch a bit of it and take it Blayne left. She and he had this huge fight and she called a cab and left. I was going to give Cass a kiss and maybe sneak a dance before the food was ready. Instead I slip out to where he’s sitting with Bobby and pass him my beer.

“I’m sorry Steve, I didn’t mean to start all of this.”

“Me either.” Cass says coming up behind me and giving me her drink. “I started things when she was gonna talk shit about Sam.”

He looks at me gives me this kind of hurting smile, kills the beer I gave him really easily. “Naw girls t’aint yer fault. It’s me ah guess. I knew she wasn’t great with something’s but I didn’t know just what kind of girl she really was. I’ve been with her for like two years and everything but I never really seen her get ugly like that. I’m not the same fella that I was when I met you and I guess that I was one of those so called Christians that just said that followed what Christ meant instead of actually livin it.”

“There’s a lot of people who do that Steve, they’re not bad people but they’re just closed off or just doing what they were taught.” I rub his shoulder. “If it helps any, I’m honored that you stood up for me.”

He smiles and stands up and gives me this big hug. “Hey, that’s never gonna not happen Sammy, I think you’re aces for a ton of reasons.” I can’t keep from sniffling. It feels good to have this. Friends like this, to have someone that’s got my back.

“Still I owe you.”

“Damned skippy you do girl.”

We head inside and he passes me off to Cass who gives me a hug and a kiss. I really, like kissing her. I love the taste of her lipstick, of her. Lacey asks me what’s going on as Brandon’s letting in Matt and Jase. I sneak in Cass’s arms a slow dance as we share her drink (Vodka and grapefruit juice, club soda.) We both catch her up on the gossip and she looks ticked on various levels and at how Steve stood up for me, and his beliefs she began to lean and look past us and checking him out. I give her a push his way. “G’wan he’s a nice guy who just got dumped.” Lacey leaves and makes her way over to him.

I hope she’ll take the edge off of the whole Blayne thing, Lacey was a good friend back in high-school and has turned out to be a good friend now. “Can I cut in?” Brandon asks and Cass nods and Andy takes her hand and dances with her a bit. We all kind of dance a bit partnering off and stuff for about ten minutes or so. Chuck announces the food’s ready and we stop dancing and head to the dining room.

We all take seats and it’s the best meal I’ve had in years. Not since the last meal when both mom and dad were alive. Mom died from cancer but we really tried to squeeze every bit of love and happiness out of the time we had left with her. It really wasn’t the same after that. Something broke in my dad when she died. Looking at Brandon and Cass I’m really getting why. Just the fact I have them makes this always so much more special.

It’s fun and chaotic eating and passing the stuff around and talking and stuff just like a big bunch of friends that have known each other all their lives. Lacey’s talking and flirting with Steve and Jenny is a blast as she’s so new to all of this that she’s blushing and making a cute bunch of faux pas with Matt and Jase who think the little straight country girl is adorable and she’s never met gay folk before. Or a real live Frenchman, Chuck actually is laughing so hard he’s crying when she say’s she’s not sure if her daddy would throw a bigger fit over her meet gay folk or being around a Frenchman. We talk about what Brandon’s doing here with the farm. It get’s me misty as both him and Cass get all kind of into it and excited about the equine rescue bit. It turns out Cass is a real Mountie. She went in for the equestrian training in the academy and she’s done a few of her early years in Calgary in a mounted parklands patrol group and in Ottawa too where they are part of the tourist bit as well as doing the police work. I’m surprised that they still use horses so much. Cass says that they don’t. They’re just for the ride sadly (The RCMP Musical ride) and sometimes they make up a horse unit with national parks services.

They have some police horses, not just RCMP horses here but retired horses from other police forces through some of Cass’s old friends and contacts. There’s some old race horses, show horses and some that are rescue animals from the SPCA. There’s twenty two horses here so far. I thought, yeah…so far.

They’re friends, him and Cass. They’ve really bonded over this and with Ryan and Bobby, and Andy I guess and Steve all kind of chiming in about it. There’s more about the other stuff like the greenhouses and the mushroom houses and the birds and the rabbits. I’m a little out of the loop but I’m not alone in that and seeing Cass and Brandon tighter than I though they’d be is heartening.

We get up afterwards and we head back to the living room and crank up the stereo and start to have a few drinks and start dancing. It’s a lot of fun and I dance with Cass, and Brandon some then the guys get talking for awhile so it’s me and Lacey, Cass and Jenny as we do that bunch of girls dancing together thing, well…Matt actually joins us. He’s such a queen it’s funny.

Rebecca and Eli are kissing in the corner well on their way to trying for more kids. They’ve got two twin girls I guess that are six and are spending time with at their grandmothers place.

Then Brandon’s there and some of the other guys too and we start dancing and I’m loosened up enough that I’m moving up against him, grinding my butt into him and got my arms up and doing that shimmy that gets my breasts moving like I’ve always wanted to be brave enough to do before.

I toss my hair a bit, and Brandon’s hands slip over my body. Touching, feeling, caressing. My nipples get to hard little diamond points and I turn my head and he kisses me. I check with a glance at Cass who gives me this little smile, a sexy smile but a little nod as she’s getting her groove on between Matt and Jase. God she looks so hot like that, her dress flowing around her, breasts swaying, eyes half lidded. I’m burning in my skin and turn to face Brandon and bump and grind against him with the confidence of a few beers and being very turned on. I press against him.

“Hey, how about you give me a private tour?” I say to him in his ear.

“C’mon.” He says pulling me away from the party by my hand. We leave out through the kitchen and outside heading to the barn. He takes me to the old barn and it’s warm inside, a garage now or part garage and part den. His cars are stored here and there’s a stage there and the floors are all polished concrete. There’s stairs going to the old hayloft and there’s several couches and a pool table.

We bump over things and into things kissing passionately and stripping off each others clothes. I love the way his chest feels against my hands once he’s got his shirt off. My hands touch the scar..where I shot him…

“Oh God, Brandon, Oh god I’m so sorry…” I’d have said more but his mouth covers mine and he’s kissing me hard, forcefully. His hands stripping me of my clothes, pants, panties and my top…I try to talk as he’s pulling my tee shirt over my head.

“Brandon I..”

He holds my face in his hands and he growls.

“Enough Sam.”

He kisses me again. He pulls me close hands all over me and we fall onto the leather couch. Time does that achy blurry fast, slow thing as he kisses me, and he sucks on my breasts and rubs my Jane Austin until she cries out into his hand. He uses my uhm goo to lube me up…it’s dirty and taboo and getting me so hot with his thick fingers. Then he flips me around! The power of it just takes my breath away. More is taken away as Brandon pushes into me so suddenly. My face is pressed into the leather, His hands grip, cup and squeeze my breasts hard.

Oh fuck it’s been too long as my muscles spasm inside of me at the sudden rush of him inside of me and I can feel, really feel his size, the thickness and length and the heat of him inside of me. It hurts but in a good way, the power in him. And this…this is exactly what I want. I need it, him, I really need the male factor. It’s been too long for him too and He takes me. I let him, I need this, this feeling of being taken like this, lusted after, even possessed a little. I moan, I scream, I whine making all sorts of noises as Brandon makes love to me.

It’s still making love and not sex. It’s him wanting me so much he’s caught up in this wave of red hot passion like I am. His hands crush my breasts perfectly and then slide down my ribs and grip tightly onto my hips. The rush of his steady pace, those long powerful thrusts take to over and over again to that wild place of light in myself…where I orgasm, like the woman I really am inside. Three times he takes me there, twice I feel Brandon flooding me…Inside of me his cum is just as hot as the blood pumping through his wild heart.

Then he reaches down and hitches my legs under his arms and…oh...Ffff…He rolls me over onto my back.

But he’s still inside of me…All the way inside of me. I feel it so much, so deeply inside of me. I really Have another really strong powerful orgasms, an unexpected one. It leaves me gasping and sobbing. He slips my legs over his shoulders almost bending me in half and takes me again.

Time blurs, into just the sex. It’s not that long but seemed like forever. Brandon does slow down this time, but you know that long and slow works really well for me. I feel him in so much deeper like that, and this position….He fills me with his sweet heat twice more before he falls down on top of me and lets my legs slip down. We fall asleep intertwined with each other for I’m not sure how long but the last thing I remember is Brandon rolling over so I can lie on top of him and him pulling a blanket from the floor and covering us up. We kiss for awhile after the sex until we’re both just too tired to keep kissing and fall asleep together.

I wake up and kiss him. He stirs just a little then those amazing hazel eyes of his open and stare into me, into my soul.

“I love you, Brandon. I’m serious. You touch me, in a place that has never been touched before. I don’t know what the hell I’ve done to deserve you coming into my life but I’m so damned thankful. You took that gun from me, stopped me, saved me. No one has done that for me, no one’s ever come close to that.”

He smiles but not that little Brandon half a smile. No this is different. It’s sweeter, softer, a side he rarely lets out on the surface. It’s a smile, just for me. Sunshine’s never been as warm and bright to me.

“I’m just as stunned by this as you are Sam. I’ve been pretty much a free spirit all of my life not really wanting to stop, to put down roots anywhere before. My life hasn’t been the same since I drove across the bridge and into what’s my life. I never though crossing it would lead me to love, to you. Honestly, I think I fell in love with you from the very first time I see you. You were so damned strong despite all the shit that was being piled on you and just about ready to shatter too.”

We kiss again.

I slide off the couch and kneel in front of him and take him into my mouth. I’m not really good at this but it’s for my Brandon. You know what, desire, passion, love…it gives you skills when you’re this close. This intimate. I go to this other place in me, I never knew was there. I lean forward and close my throat, move my neck…kind of riding him like that. My arms rest on his thighs and wrap languidly around his waist. I suck on it, I twist my head on it I get into this pattern of breathing…it’s almost tantric. He’s load, he’s really load and vocal and he’s moving his hips, he’s whispering my name over and over again.

“Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sa…man...tha….”

He cums and it pours down my throat and I clench my throat and rock my body and pump him dry. I slide up after I’m done and straddle him and kiss him passionately. I’m really not sure what part of my female psyche got unleashed but I feel sultry and sexy and empowered. We kiss for awhile, slowly just taking out time. Brandon smiles at me.

“We… have guests, we really should get back.”

“Lets go over to my place and shower, quick I’ve got to get cleaned up it’s not like we girls can just put it away and have done.”

He gives me this amused look. I kiss him again. “You fuck off with that smirk, you don’t have a pint of stuff leaking out of you.”

We leave getting into our clothes and run literally over to my place and hop into the shower. It’s fun, the whole thing, running only partly dressed through the cold. Getting into the bathroom. I use a douche to clean myself out before letting him into the bathroom and shower. It’s a great thing to have his strong hands soaping my body up. There’s this real nice scratchy effect from his calluses as he washes my back. Having somebody was your hair is also good. It’s very, very good.

I actually opt for something just like last time. Okay, I’m thinking about me and Cass or me and Brandon later on and I want to just be kind of hot and kind of comfy. I slip into my hot girl kind of underwear by Jezebelle nice lacey black under things with just a pair of Roots navy blue track pants, and a black armed force tee shirt. I slip my feet into sneakers and grab my reserve battle jacket. I know I wear a lot of forces clothing but you get used to it. I love my reserve jacket, it’s old and army surplus and for a bigger person but I love the way it hangs and the weight of it.

We head back over to his place and it’s kind of quiet when we get there. We look around. Brandon asks. “What happened, what’s going on?”

Eli kind of sighs. “Blayne just called, well her Daddy just called, He just fired Steve.”

Lacey’s fuming, really pissed. “Yeah when Steve saw the number and said who it was I told him to put it on speaker. That fucking Scunt Blayne said when they got home she was going to burn all his devil worshipping stuff out in the yard!”

I see Cass putting on her jacket. “If we drive fast, we can beat them there. Eli and I both have trucks and she looks over at me, You in? We might need your dad‘s truck.”

I look at the others. “Let’s go?”

It takes a few minutes before we settle stuff down and pile into the vehicles I see Andy talking to Cass, I don’t know what was said but we’re soon ready to take off. Brandon get’s in my truck and Ryan is in Cass’s truck with Steve and Lacey, Eli’s taking Bobby and Jenny and Chris with him. The others we leave to watch over the houses and we drive hard and fast out of town and up the highway and on our way to Fairbanks, Alberta.

It’s late when we get there and we must looked like a posse when we pulled up to Steve’s trailer three truckloads of people.

We had been loading up Steve’s things when a bunch of cars pulled in hard and fast. A bunch of big guys both young and old get out. They look rough, scary big definite country good ole boys. There’s some girls with them and Blayne. She throws a beer bottle smashing it against Cass’s Tahoe and screams pointing at me, then Cass then the rest of us.

“There’s the faggit, and the fucking dyke friend of hers. See Daddy ah toldja Steve’s gone fairy.”

The bunch of them rush us with a voice coming from the older guy that Blayne was yelling at. They push Steve, Bobby, Eli and knock stuff out of our hands and one takes a swing at me with a fist yelling.

“Godless faggit, homo freak.”

I duck under his swing and sweep the back of his legs out from under him then back off but in stance like they taught me on base. He backs off. Jenny is screaming scared and Lacey’s throwing rocks at them or they’re vehicles. It’s a bit of a stalemate for a second with them freaked at us getting ready to fight instead of just being scared of them.

Then one of them slips up and hits Steven in back of the head with something and he drops like he got shot. It sends my nerves humming like a plucked string. The guy has a tire iron in his hand and he steps in for a second swing.

Cass steps in between it and knocks the tire iron out of his hand with a hard right forearm block. Her other left hand drives a hard fist into his breadbasket, he bends exhaling breath and spit. Cass’s right fist come crashing into his temple in a hard right cross dropping him.
Some girl amongst them screams “Josh!”

Three guys rush Cass with one of them saying in a growl. “Get the little bitch.”

Blayne’s screaming. “Kill er, fuck the little dyke up!”

Cass moves, like she’s dancing. Great footwork her arms up like a trained boxer as they close in on her. Her breasts sway, in that dress she wore over to Brandon’s. It swishes sexily around her as she dodges and blocks and weaves through the three of them. She’s so much smaller than them and fighting three burly guys off in a pretty dress and sandals.
And despite what she’s wearing she’s all business. Hitting them hard with hard and fast strikes to the spots on a person that steals breath, breaks noses, chokes them. You can be as big as you want but a punch to the throat will stop you cold. The last of the three drops when she knees him under his chin as he’s choking and trying to get his breath. He goes down in a strangled cry spitting teeth.

Bobby is keeping anyone from hurting Jenny, yelling and arguing with an older guy that she calls daddy, cries it pleadingly.

Eli’s in it with three guys who’re saying that they’re gonna put the Prairie-Nigger in his place, they’re trying to crowd him, get and opening but his martial arts are very good I’m not an expert but once they start training you, you pick up stuff. He’s using Aikido I think.

Brandon and Ryan come out of the darkness between the vehicles at a jog flanking them from behind and have baseball bats. They come hard and fast, hitting everything that they can get close too. It’s a storm of very well controlled and focused violence. You sort of get the feeling that they’ve both done this before, and together. Ten guys easily are lying on the ground and crying over, broken bones, and a whole lot of other hurts. I’m so seeing the biker thing for real now and more as Eli slips into walking beside them then Chris steps out of the darkness with a length of chain and dragging some guy by his foot unconscious. He’s bleeding from a few cuts but the sweet guitar playing guy is gone. Replaced by this chain dragging badass.

The guy who went at me comes back for more. Another swing at my face, I side step it and slip a leg behind him and palm strike him off his balance. I take a fast Tae Kwon do stance and feed him my sneaker to his face with a roundhouse kick.

Lacey is over by Steve who’s down and she yells. “Sam!, help he’s bleeding really bad!”

I run through the fighting over to where they’re at and start to check him out. Shit!, he’s not breathing. I roll him over and start doing mouth to mouth, and CPR.

There’s an “Oh shit.” from one of them. Yeah, fighting’s one thing if there’s a chance you really killed a guy that’s different.

That stops the fighting. Or it drowns it out except for fucking Blayne. “He’s gonna give Steven, AIDS!” Then she’s rolling around near me in the dirt with Lacey, I’m too busy but I can hear the screaming and scratching and hair pulling, biting.

Two minutes…and his chest heaves I roll him over as he starts coughing. He’s a big tough guy I hope he’ll be okay.

It’s a really bad head gash, I put my fingers through Steve’s hair into the blood. I can’t feel a crack in his skull but that’s not meaning that there won’t be bruising or swelling underneath, I’m hoping by the feel of the cut’s shape that it was a hard but glancing blow.

Brandon walks over right up to Blayne’s Daddy and shoves the end of the baseball bat into his chest. The mans eyes narrow in pain and anger. Brandon leans right into his face so that man, so much the lion.

“It’s over, this stupidity is over. You’re done here, you try this shit again or come after me or mine and I’ll be back, and I’ll bring everybody…you got it?”

He looks around, he’s not seeing what I’m guessing he wants to. Through clenched teeth he nods. “Yeah heathen, I’ve got it.”

Blayne hits Lacey with the tire iron that the other guy dropped. She’s screaming as she’s hitting Lacey who’s covering up protecting herself but keeping herself still between the crazy cunt and me and Steve, Blayne‘s ranting as she‘s striking wildly.

“No! no! you fags, dykes, you fucking freaks you ain’t getting away with this! You don’t make fun of me! No one gets the betta o me!, No one! Diya know who ah am? Who my Daddy is. We run this town, you don’t get ta laugh at me ya fuckin sinners, yer all going to hell!, ya hear that Steven y’all’s going to hell!”

I turn still on my knees, Lacey’s not that far from me and I throw all my body weight into the right I aim at her pretty face. Her nose explodes in a burst of blood, and there’s a very satisfying crunch. Blayne goes flying back into the dirt in a wild shriek that becomes sobs. The others in her group haul her back and into the cars as they’re backing off and retreating. Driving away with growls, groans and mixed curses.

There’s three guys facing Bobby and Jenny one’s older. He staring right at her.

“Jenny, come on. We’re leaving.”

“I can’t, daddy. I can’t live here if y’all’s acting like this. Treating people this way.”

“They aren’t people Jennifer-Lynn, they’re damned abominations and if you stand with them then yer betraying god and all of those you love. Are you gonna do that girl? Side against yer father, betray god and yer blood?”

Jenny looked around and squared her shoulders.

“I ain’t never knew people like this before daddy. But y’know I’ve seen them be far more the kind of people I was taught to be like by Jesus than y’all I grew up with. Ah’m staying with them.”

He glared at her then moved off and stared at her one last time as he was getting in his car.

“Don’t come here again, don’t come home, don’t call or write or come for your things girl yer dead ta us, I cast ye out with these sodomites you love so much.”

He got into his car and pulled off with the rest. As they were pulling out there were local police cars pulling in. Ryan comes over right in front of them and get’s in the front seat passenger side after slapping something up against the window. He’s in there for ten minutes before getting out and talking to Brandon.

I’m working on Steve and Cass has gotten her first aid kit out. He’s going to need stitches. Cass is looking at me.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I need to wash my hands.”

“It’s only blood Sam, you’re a medic. It’ll be okay.”

“It’s not the blood, I just wanna wash the Blayne off me before finding out that stupid bitch is contagious.”

There’s a bit of weak laughter, we’re packing Steve and Lacey into Cass’s Tahoe I’m pretty sure Steve just has a bad concussion, but Lacey has a shit load of bruises and a busted right arm. I’m so immersed in taking care of both of them that my issues aren’t an issue.

Brandon hugs me after I close the door of the truck. Then he gives me a kiss, the early light’s getting stronger and everything’s packed there’s a few snowflakes falling down.
The kiss, the kisses really help to steady me. The hug feels good really good too. He smiles at me. “We’ll be home soon, you going to be okay?”

I nod and nuzzle him and feel Cass’s hand on my back. I turn and kiss with her, she’s got tore up knuckles from fighting and a few growing bruises. I can’t help but flashback to her boxing and the way she looked and kiss her deeply making her wince a little at the bit of bruising at the side of her lip.

“I’m sorry beautiful, I’ll take care of you when we get home. I promise.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I fell in love with a nurse isn’t it?” She kisses me again before climbing into her truck.

We pull out heading for home. Hopefully we’ll beat the weather. Brandon takes my keys from me and he drives. We stop at Bobby’s rental cabin to get his things and then head for home. The local police follow us the entire time but don’t come close. Brandon turns the heater on in the truck and the adrenaline wearing off and the heat is lulling me to sleep. I remember hearing Jimmy Hendrix’s “Hey Joe” playing on the radio before I drift off.

Bridges 16

Chapter 16

I don’t really remember much of the trip out of Alberta and back through the mountains and home to Bridgeview. Brandon drove while I slept snuggled up against him. We got into it over Steve’s bigoted girlfriend, or well now ex-girlfriend, it was one of those turf kinda brawls like you might see in the movies. I knew that Bobby and Steve were living in a nice town, and were religious but this was that you walk with god, our god or we’ll break your legs kinda town.

Yeah Calgary, Edmonton and the bigger towns might be more tolerable but this was lynch mob territory. Once we got out of there I relaxed enough to sleep. I’m surprised that we didn’t get more hurt. I’m surprised I’m good with this, the fighting tonight. But y’know the difference is, I was there helping, taking a stand. The whole thing with Blayne wasn’t about me, or even Cass. No, she threw a fit because she wasn’t treated like the princess she thinks she is. We gave back as good as she gave us at the party and she couldn’t handle it.

The whole thing, all of this was because Steve broke up with her. That he corrected her behavior and that he dared do any of it.

I’m actually not that worried about them doing anything. Ryan did something that put those town cops in check. Brandon promised he’d bring much more down on them if they didn’t stay away. No, they’ll save face by making some story up, blaming It on Steve for leading Blayne astray, she’ll lie and say things about Steve that aren’t true and all that stuff they do to keep feeling superior. It’s a good thing Bobby and Jenny are coming with us.

I wake up when I feel Brandon’s lips on mine. “Hey, we’re home.” he says with a smile. Part of me really doesn’t want to pull myself off of him but I do. It’s bright out and I’m a little stiff but it’s really nice out. The sun’s shining but there’s those big fluffy snowflakes falling. I take a deep breath of air as I get out of the truck. I can’t help the smile that forms as I see the horses out running free in the fields with the snow falling and them playing and the forest in the background of the fields.

Eli and Chris, Ryan, Bobby and Steve are talking and we kind of come over to the barn, or rather the converted barn/garage that I got to uhm…see last night. Eli’s boys come out to help unload. I look at the others and their bruises and stuff. “We have to get you guys down to the hospital.”

Steve looks at me. His eyes are a bit too shiny. “I’m alright, It’s not that bad.”

“Yes it is, you stopped breathing idiot. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

He looks like he’s going to argue and play the I’m a man, I can take it card. “Hey, I’ve had worse.” I can’t help but to roll my eyes at that.

“Steven, Look I’m not being a Mary-Sue about this. I’m a combat nurse, a field medic and you might be okay but you might not. We have to take Lacey in for X-rays and more than likely a cast so you might as well come and get checked out too.”

“But…”

“No buts, you’re a proper gentleman aren’t you?”

“Yeah?”

“Then don’t argue with a lady.”

“Yes Maam.” He ducks his head.

“He’s got a nice butt.” Lacey interjected with a smirk. The smirk had to hurt, she put herself between us and crazy Blayne and she got beat of wildly with a tire wrench. That’s a friend. I can’t help but to smile and hug her lightly. “You’re nuts you know that right?”
Lacey’s response was to stick out her tongue and roll her eyes wildly. I can’t help but to laugh.

I look over at Cass. “You too miss, I want someone to take a look at your hands.”

She smiles and passes me one of the coffee’s that Rebecca is passing around. I take it gratefully. It’s my Tim Horton’s…(Good sigh.) I’ll always love this stuff more than any other because they send their coffee to everyplace that Canadian troops are stationed. They even set up a staffed kiosk at the base on Kandahar. All volunteer staff but being so far from home, it’s something that goes straight to your heart on those homesick days.

“Yeah sure honey, I think I cracked something in my right.” I give her a kiss. “We’ll take your truck it’s got the extended cab?” Cass nodded. “Sure.” She’s moving a little stiffly too but get’s Lacey and Steve back in the truck. I go over to Brandon. “I’ll call if anything comes up, are we going to need anything in town?” He nods then gives the second some thought. “Maybe, pick up some things for Jenny, she doesn’t have anything.” I nod looking over to where she’s watching the boys unloading the stuff and talking to Rebecca but doing that kind of hurt inside, scared holding herself as she sipped her coffee.

Yeah, I’m more than pissed at her family, but more than proud to know this girl. There’s a lot of people who talk about the stuff they say they believe in. It’s something else to see it. Especially over something that big. “I’ll make sure she’s taken care of.” I lean over and give him a long sweet deep kiss and pass him my empty coffee cup with a smile. “Later Hon.”

The hospital has standing orders to report any violent crime related wounds and the RCMP showed up to take our statements. Cass talks to them off to the side but I do catch one of them saying “This won’t look too good on your suspension Cass.”

I missed the rest because I went into outpatients with Lacey. I look at her after we’re out of x-ray and in the cast room. Her arm was broken in both bones along her forearm. “Did you know that Cass was on suspension?”

“Yeah, she caught some shit when she stood up for you despite the whole conflict of interest bit when you lost it.”

“Dammit, why didn’t she say anything?”

“Sam, she wasn’t going to put you through anymore stress and grief or guilt than you were already going through.”

“But that’ll put a black mark on her career, that’s in her file now.” I’m kind of getting really upset about this. I’m no I’ve messed up her life.

“Sam…Sam…Samantha!, Stop it.” Lacey had to raise her voice to get my attention. I look up at her and can’t stop the tears that fall down my cheeks. Damned hormones.

“I’m messing her up Lace, I’m..” I’m cut off by Cass pulling me over to her and her kissing me. She pushes me into the chair in the room and kisses me deeply.

“Sam, You’re not screwing anything up. I’d have done the exact same damned thing for anyone else that was important to me that I thought that needed me like that. The fact I’d already fallen in love with you didn’t make it like it was such a stretch of my usual character.”

“But, you’re hurting your career.”

“I became a RCMP officer because of my beliefs Sam, if I didn’t follow what my heart tells me is right then I would still be defending scumbags in my old job.”

“You still should have told me.”

“And I would have but you really weren’t in a good place you know. Besides you’d just have done to me what you did with Brandon and refused to see me to spare me from getting close to you.”

I can’t help but lower my head and let a few tears fall.

“She’s got you there Sam.” Lacey added in. “You push people away, and you isolated yourself. Hell you’ve been home how long and it’s taken you this long to get back out into the world? You hide and you shouldn’t. This is your hometown. You shouldn’t have had to live as a hermit since coming home. There’s people here who love you, who loved your folks and don’t give a damned about the whole boy to girl thing.”

Cass kisses me again wiping away my tears. “It’d have hurt a lot if you had cut me out of your life.” I look into that beautiful face of hers and those big blue eyes of hers and just fall…. I kiss her back this time and we break it up smiling as Lacey throws several fake coughing fits.

I feel better, a lot better. There’s a big difference between being a guy and being a girl on an emotional level. Or there is for me. Just talking about it, getting it out and some tears takes so much pressure off of me. The mood swings might drive you crazy or seem like it but I never had this release before, I’ll trade the hormonal crazy for this lightness in my heart.

We get out of there and get Steve who got stitches and has a light concussion. Cass’s got a few bruises including some bone bruises on her knuckles, it’ll hurt and she’s going to ache but she’ll be okay. We head to The Salvation Army thrift store and get a bunch of stuff second hand for Jenny and stop in at Sears and get her some nightclothes and some gift cards. It’s hard to get things like underwear and make up when you don’t know what someone likes or what sized they take so we get her some gift cards and somehow it turned into a bit of a shopping trip for us too.

Cass pulls me into one of the changing rooms and at one point while trying on dresses we’re undressing. Then kissing, playing with each others breasts and more kissing. I suckle on her beautiful nipples and slide a hand down to her sex she’s so wet, and I rub lightly letting her sensitive folds slip into the creases of my fingers. I pull her head down to my breasts to stifle her moans and she takes one of my nipples into her talented mouth. I feel her clit begin to harden and make herself known. I rub, rub, rub and cup her mound, catching her love nub between my middle and ring fingers and use the crease to rub her to an orgasm and I squeeze my cupped hand over her mound and shake it back and forth just a bit but kinda hard. My palm hitting her mound over and over and her love nub trapped between my fingers is getting pulled a little bit up and down rapidly like she’s getting stroked off.

Cass stiffens and cried out humping my fingers and her fingers tighten into my body, and she plants a passionate kiss. On me squashing her DD’s into my breasts as she shudders through a powerful orgasm. The mouth on mouth, lipstick on lipstick, her flush of blood to her skin and her moaning into my mouth as we kiss lifts me up in this incredible way. There’s this feeling from making Cass feel like this that runs through me that isn’t male pride but something more glorious and intimate.

We kiss awhile longer as she comes down from her orgasmic high and she slides down and strokes my Jane Austin before taking me into her mouth. I’m not all that big anymore and she takes all of me into my mouth while she does these amazing swirls with her tongue she takes a condom? from her purse and slips it over her middle two fingers the slips them inside of me and she fingers me as she sucks me to only stopping to look up at me to ask. “Touch, yourself Sam, I wanna see you play with your breasts, please baby?” Oh, god I’ve never had a partner ask that before. This is so uncharted territory, and making love in the changing room, like I’m a kid in love instead of a thirty two year old. I get lost in the thrill and joy of it until I have a bucking leg buckling come of my own.

Cass slides up my body and we share afterglow kisses as she takes a few handy wipes and makes sure I’m cleaned up. A few spritzes of perfume and we’re out of there giggling and kissing and doing those little relationship touches. Lacey is smiling at us and joins in and talking about sexy and us but also about how hot she finds Steve. It’s a mess of girl talk as we buy our stuff and meet Steve out at the truck. We get a few stares from various people in Sears and the parking lot and stuff. There’s some that look like they hate us and some like we’re standing up for something? I’ve had some really hard experiences with those people who are so called LGBT members and supporters, went through that with the ex. They can forget it. I’m not getting involved with their racket, I’ve found out it’s really not that respected to be T in the LGBT equation.

Yeah they’re talking and even pointing a bit. I’m not anonymous not in a small city/town of twenty thousand people, and neither is Cass. There’s already a few whispers about us, like her being a lesbian but also about me being not a real woman according to them, and me being with Cass and that we‘re all a bunch of freaks. I look over at one of the groups kind of doing the gawking but not trying to get caught at doing it and kiss Cass again then give the best looking of the men in the little group this long slow look over and lick my lips like he’s yummy. He blushes and stares, I even think he’s a bit turned on. His wife or woman that’s with him turns on him and pitches a fit. We get to the truck and Cass is giggling at the whole thing. She kisses me and smiles. “You’re awesome Sam, I hope you know that.” I can’t help but blush.

We get back home after stopping for coffee and driving with the windows down for part of the drive back. It’s close to lunchtime by the time we get to Brandon’s place. Rebecca and Jenny are on the deck talking and we join them and give the things we got for Jenny to her.

You’d have thought that we gave her a million dollars in those handful of bags. Jenny hugged us and cried and went on how there was so much there and how beautiful it was and that she wasn’t really allowed to have this kind of stuff. She even bawled when Steve had bought her some real art supplies, and hugged him until he got embarrassed an left saying. “Ah should find the guys an see what ah kin do ta help out.” Lacey left with him but only as far as inside the house and they kissed for awhile. Rebecca poured us tea and shared out a few quilts. Cass and I sat in one of these big wicker chairs together and I wrapped the quilt around us and sipped somekind of native tea blend from the mug that Cass held and I rested my head on her shoulder. Rebecca asked Jenny. “Jenny? What do you mean that you weren’t really allowed to have things like this.”

Jenny got deeper into her quilt and sipped at her tea and wiped her eyes a little with the back of her hand. “I wasn’t allowed ta wear stuff like jeans and pants and stuff like that, none of us girls were unless we was to be working in the barns an such. They said it was vanity to have a girl wear stuff like that and make-up and all.”

I look at her, hugging Cass just because I can. “So they told you what to wear and how to dress and to think.?”

“Not thinking, not really but Y’hafta respect the bible and all and respect yer parents and all plus the church, Jesus died fer us and Father Simon gave up a normal life ta guide his flock. But what it says in the bible’s a lot different to me and what I’ve heard preached on. But then I’m a girl an we ain’t gonna get it right on account of Eve.”

I think there was a collective female. “Huh?”

Cass leans forward a little. I pull her back, she looks at me. I look right into her eyes sending her this mental calm down. Her nostrils flare but she takes a breath and sighs. I take the tea cup and after my own sip give her some too. I love drinking out of the same mug.

Lacey picked up the thread though. “What does Eve got to do with this?”

Jenny looks at us a bit scared and shamefaced. “We was told that women are cursed by God not to be as good as men on account of Eve being a whore and a liar. She got us kicked out of paradise and we were bad people on account of being women folk acordin to the bible.”

There’s a group of mutterings about that and I’m included. “I didn’t bleed over hell’s half acre and leave friends dead for this bullshit.” Yeah I got a few looks. I look at them back even Cass. “Hey, I’m allowed to be pissed about this. I fought for MY country and I never signed on for people like Jenny’s family and community to spread lies and poison and bullshit.” Cass kisses me, Lacey say’s “Damned right.” Rebecca’s rubbing Jenny’s shoulder because she’s crying again. I lean over and rub her knee. “I’m sorry Jenny, It’s just something that gets to me, it’s nothing that you’ve done it’s just what you’ve been through and had to live through kind of get to me. And the others too if you haven’t noticed.”

In the end we all end up hugging and laughing and Rebecca getting out her laptop and we gathered around and looked at clothes and make-up and stuff online just like we were a bunch of teenaged girls. It’s something I missed out on all my life but Jenny too, there’s a lot for me to think about when I’m actually ahead of the femme learning curve than a GG.

We kill time doing that until the guys are back doing the chores and stuff. Chuck makes all of us a really late breakfast. It’s nothing I’m used to but really good. Fried bread dough with different stuff to put on them, fried sliced potatoes and mushrooms and tomatoes? He cooks up really great eggs both scrambled and poached along with bacon and slabs of ham and deer steak with some nice biscuits to go with it all. I eat like Brandon actually, I go for the fried tomatoes and deer steak and a few mushrooms and put a poached egg on top of it and breaking the runny egg.

It’s all really good and hits our communal lack of sleep like a ton of bricks. We gather up our things and I tell the girls that they can stay at my house. Jenny looks relieved and Lacey’s all. “But, but…someone has to look after Steve.”

I pull her over to me away from the guys.

“Look you and Steve had a really intense night. I get you’re into him and wanna crawl into the sack with him but you don’t wanna do this right now.”

“Oh, like you took your time with Brandon?”

“That’s a whole heck of a lot of different and yes I took my time with him I waited thirty two years to find a guy like him. Steve just got away from Blayne he’s gonna have that hit him at some point then he’ll just find a rebound girl and Lacey you don’t want to be a rebound girl right?”

She sighs. “Okay right.”

Cass is getting her jacket on and getting her key’s I go to her next. “Come on over and stay, I don’t want you driving with so little sleep and a fight ontop of that.” I kiss her a few times in a row. She rests her forehead against mine. “Okay, I’ll stay you can stop twisting that rubber arm of mine.” I kiss her twice more and she kisses me a few times back and it takes a few minutes for the rest of the world to come back into focus.

We do our hugs and say goodnight ever though it’s just past noon to the guys. We offer to stay to help with the dishes but are told Non by Chuck and I hug them all and thank them all for showing up. I kiss Brandon who kisses me back lightly. “I..” I was going to say something but he just kisses me lightly again. “I know Sam, I’m not going anywhere so go you your girl there and show her some TLC for her aches and pains.” I smile at him, “You sure?”

“Yeah we’re all beat here too.”

We head over to my place and I settle Lacey on the couch. I really need to clear the years of stuff my parents have in the guest room. Jenny I get settled into my old bedroom and she hugs me.

“Y’all’ve been more than great Samantha, it’s just…I don’t think I could live with Bobby yet and I’ve never even stayed alone before.”

“It’s no problem Jenny, but are you going to be alright living with someone like me?”

“Oh, that’s not really a problem Sammy, I kind of forget you are born a girl like me until y’all really mention it.”

“Really?, But I’m not…I don’t got the right curves and my shoulders are too big.”

Jenny laughs and giggles covering her mouth with her hands. “Oh Sammy, trust me. Ah grew up wit girls that made your gay friends Matt and Jason look like ballerinas there’s all kinds of girls. Ah think yer beautiful.” We hug and I wipe away a few good tears and so does she after she saw these tears and teared up herself and hugged me again.

I smile at her. “You can stay here as long as you want. Jen, you stood up for your beliefs more than a lot of people I’ve met and stood up for me and the people I love and care about. My dad’ve said that makes you family….and...I’ve always wanted a sister.”

Of course that set us off happy tired girl crying for awhile. Cass comes and gets me just wearing one of my dad’s old dress shirts and she looks so…She takes my hand and kissed Jenny on the cheek and wished her sweet dreams. I run the both of us a bath and change the bed again and slip into a bath with her that’s got lot’s of Epsom salts in it and we don’t make love but there’s a lot of wet, kissing, touching, fondling and washing each other. We dry off in front of the hot water registers and kiss a bit in the sunshine naked and using a tube of muscle pain and bruise cream on our bruises as we dance naked with Chantal Kreviazuk crooning out “Feels like home.” out of my stereo, I don’t own the CD so it must be Cass’s. I like have her stuff here. We slip into bed naked and we just kiss and touch and cuddle and explore each other until we’re too tired to keep it up and fall asleep in each others arms.

***
We wake up about two AM hearing Jenny crying and we go in a group to comfort her. There’s not a lot that can be said really other than tell her she’s a great girl. That we’re proud of her and that we love her. Cass makes all of us Chai tea and we sit up and talk and we take care of each other. It’s about four and the four of us end up in my bed all cuddled up together and letting her know she’s loved. It’s like there’s this connection forming between all of us. Four totally different women bonding together like family.

I like the feeling in the house. It’s like I can almost feel it soaking in here after it being such a lonely place for so long.

***
We get up around lunch and I’m itching for my routine so I’m up first. I put on a pot of coffee and whiz up a muffin mix and a smoothie and eat a caltrate chew thing and take my meds and hormones and an Tylenol for my knee and get into my running stuff and take my pack and head out.

It’s really perfect for running just a little crisp and clear but warm too. Winter’s in British Columbia are kind of mild down south but I’m up more in the middle of the province so there’s a bit of snow down. Just a few inches. It makes everything really pretty. I go up my hill outside of town and then back just taking in the energy and the calm and the air. I’m not sure I could live anywhere else. There’s this smell of the woods and the hint of the pacific in the wind.

I just run, I let everything fade away until it’s that air, the bounce of my breasts and ponytail and my feet hitting the road. I push it up the hill and build up a good sweat and let that sweat not just take out the toxins out of my body but to take the negative stuff in my heart with it. It’s one of the reasons that I run and other die hard runners do it. I know it’s the same thing for cyclists out there I‘ve been told by friends who‘re addicted to biking. There’s something very meditative and therapeutic in leaving the bullshit in your life out there on the road.

I stop for my cool down and walk it off, stretch, to some calisthenics and drink some water, eat a granola bar. Then take off again running I head down hill and pass my place and wave at Cass who’s shoveling the bit of snow off my steps and my walk. I can’t help but smile at that.

I get to smile again as some of Brandon’s horses see me and try to run with me along the fence. I even laugh and run harder vainly trying to race them. I win because they run out of field and I keep going but slow it down to my normal pace all the way down to the four way stop the run back home. They’re waiting for me to race, I put on some speed and give in my best and both them and I have fun with it.

I jog into Brandon’s and follow them and see him in the real barn feeding the birds and rabbits. He gives me a look but waves. I wave back and yell. “Cooling down!” I run the fence line then back them keeping with me the entire time. I’ve never really had much to do with them but I can see how you could get horse crazy. They are beautiful animals.

I wave to the guys on my way back and I give Brandon another smile and a wave before slowing down once I get home. Cass is smiling and just in sweats and a tee shirt waiting to greet me. I walk up to kiss her. I think I like these run-fit shoes, they kind of make you girl walk whether you want to or not. I can feel the burn in my glutes after my run. I’m all sweaty and gross and Cass is kissing me. “Mmm, I love the way you smell.”

“You’re crazy, I smell like the horses.”

“Hey, I’m a mountie remember, I like horses.”

“Yeah, I ca see that. The others up yet?”

“Not yet” She raises and eyebrow. “Shower?”

We hit the shower together with Cass, peeling me out of my clothes and my hands are all over her as I’m still all fired up from my run. It’s soapy and sensual and pinning each other to the shower stall wall. Cass’s found my toy and used it on me after I introduced her to Jane again inside of her…and wow…Cass held onto the safety bars in the shower and wrapped her legs around me as we made love. I got really turned on by her upper body strength and the way that did things for her breasts.

We made it down to the kitchen having woken Lacey and Jenny up. Lacey looks like hell with the bruises and stuff plus she really isn’t a bouncy just getting up person. She has three Tylenol and two cups of coffee before mumble shuffling outside. We offer her breakfast but she mumble grumbles something as she goes outside to the porch swing with her purse to smoke.

Jenny is all bright eyed and bushy tailed and very giggly about hearing me and Cass. She’s also really hyper as before we found out that her parents wouldn’t let her have coffee before. We drink coffee and eat my muffins (Just vanilla out of a box.) and some toast.

We start going through the stuff we need to do with making lists of stuff I want to get for the house, asking Jenny about any allergies and stuff she might have and might need. Cass does the laundry as I do that and Jenny does the dishes. Lacey cleans up the living room and sets up a station in the kitchen with all of my cosmetics and stuff. Okay, she really knows her stuff as we just get done up a bit so we can go shopping. I call Brandon to ask him if he needs anything in town and he says no but for all of us to come over tonight for supper because Chris and Chuck and Eli and his family are leaving tomorrow night after a big Sunday dinner. “Hey, how about you guys come over here for supper and we’ll give the chef a night off and we’ll just have a good time, watch movies or something.”

Brandon say’s. “Sound’s good but leave dessert I think Chuck’s already got it done.”

“Okay, I’ll see you guys around seven?”

“Sound’s good, we’ll see you there.”

I tell the girls and Jenny is all excited and bouncy. Was I ever that bouncy when I was twenty? Well I was a guy then…Wow…I actually kind of forgot that I haven’t always been me, like this all my life. That really sets the mood for the rest of the afternoon. We take Cass’s truck and Lacey drive her car needing to check in at her salon and to get changed but says she’ll meet us there at the mall/galleria whatever they want to call it.

***
We all meet in the mall’s center court and we go shopping. Jenny is just like a teenager and It catches on. Even Rebecca shows up wanting to get away from the boys for awhile and her daughter Amy is with her too.

We go from shop to shop really mostly looking except for Lacey who is considerably well off compare to the rest of us. It’s fun, it’s a lot of fun actually. I’m not the girly-girl type but there’s this comraderie about going out and just having fun with a group of girls. It’s a lot of trying things on and window shopping and bargain hunting but it’s fun and the time just goes by fast. I buy some more of that body shaping exercise wear and actually a bunch of fabric. I can sew halfway decent with a machine and I want to make a few things in my style for the house. I even get a few things for Christmas as presents and for the house.

Cass and I end up going grocery shopping together. I buy some baking supplies because Jenny wanted it and she says she bakes. I stock up on that and eggs and butter and get a whole bunch of stuff for pasta and salads. I buy a couple of panettone breads because a friend in the forces had his family send him some and it makes this great French toast. I get some raisin bread and bagels and a whole bunch of stuff. Not too much meat because I want to use the stuff in the deep freezers. Cass buys things too. A majik bullet blender set, and an ice cream maker along with a panini press.

But we really get some good stuff for tonight. I’m making pizza’s tonight. So Cass buys a pizza stone for the oven and we buy really good stuff to got ontop of our pizzas. These really good Spanish canned tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, fresh tomatoes, herbs, veggies, hot peppers and sweet peppers and three kinds of mushrooms and really good salumi and other meats and cheeses to go on it. To go with it we pick up some stuff to do some snacks while we wait on the pizza’s.

Roasted jarred peppers and a bunch of olives, small bite sized smokey sausages and I get stuff for my hummus dip and spiced toasted chickpeas along with some pita and some lavash breads and I get stuff to make Za,atar (which I love on a lot of stuff.) Moutabel which is a great eggplant dip. What can I say, You get over there and more than the sand gets into you. There’s a lot of things I love about there as much as I hate it.

Huh, maybe when I left part of me over there I brought some of me home with me?

My one other big stops are at Dante’s it’s the best pizza place in town and I stop there to get a tray of fifteen proofed pizza doughs and the a stop at the beer and wine store to get a couple of cases of beers and a mixed case of wines. Rebecca goes in on us with the booze. We get a bunch of movies at the local video rental place and head home.

It’s a lot of fun getting ready for the guys to come over. We uncork a couple of bottles and chill the beers and the wines that should be chilled. We talk and cook, make the snacks and the finger foods and bake the breads off so that the pizza stone is seasoned and listen to tunes and it’s really great.

The pizza’s we make are vegetarian with slices of baby eggplant and zucchini and preserved lemons sliced thin along with an orange on a mandolin with fresh herbs and mushrooms.

There’s a mushroom pizza we make with a sauce like the sausage gravy you’d put on biscuits and gravy but along with the sausage there’s a pound of ground lamb spread out over the pizza and fresh mozza on top.

There’s a classic pepperoni and cheese and another with chorizo and a really good salumi and caramelized onion pizza with shredded pastrami and some sliced fine roasted fennel.

Then there’s Cass’s special with tomatoes and sun dried tomatoes and fresh basil with long sliced strips of capicola, prosciutto, mortadella and seranno ham with a fine dice of cooked onions and roasted sweet red peppers and a fine shaving of romano and parmesan cheeses.

Yeah there was a lot of pizza’s an beer and wine and talking and laughing as we watched movies all dressed down an relaxing in my living room stuffing our faces with food and Chuck’s desserts of crá¨me-Brule’s and molten chocolate cakes as we watched stuff like Godzilla, Iron man, Across the Universe…(We all sang trying to emulate the movie.) and two classics Pretty in Pink and The Breakfast Club.

We just were so great tonight. I found myself in between Cass and Brandon with me leaning against him. His hands just idly touching me. And Cass snuggled into me and taking my arms and wrapping them around me.

Stuffed, happy and more content than ever I fall asleep with my two loves.

Bridges 17

Chapter 17

Cass’s Bit…

I fell asleep after everything that had been going on and the pizza party and having everyone over at Sam’s. Brandon was in the middle of us sort of but it was kind of nice. Not really sexually nice but close, good friend nice. Plus he didn’t mind me snuggling into Samantha.

A bit of movement stirred me a little and I felt a strong, thick Iron hard male hand and arm under me. I kind of blurrily opened my eyes and Brandon had me in one arm and Sam in another. Neither one of use are really small girls with my own weight close to one sixty and Sam must be close to one forty. But he picked both of us up without a bit of strain on his face and he actually carried both of us off the couch and up the stairs to Sam’s room.

I’ll admit it was kind of sexy-sweet. But Brandon’s like that. He’s probably the best guy I’ve met in a long time.

I’ve gotten to know him a lot actually as we spent time together as I kept him up to date with how Sam was doing. The fact that he hadn’t pressed charges and that he kept her from blowing her brains out put him squarely in my good books. There’s a really short list of people that I know right to my bones are good guys. Hell girls even too.

We also worked on her case together, him testifying on her behalf and making statements and there was even this time that some of the holy rollers from that child molesting bastard gave him a hard time and me over Sam being a danger to the community. When they couldn’t beat us in the courthouse they jumped us one night when I was helping him load sacks of feed for his horses at the local farm supply. Five guys showed up in two pick up trucks and ski masks and bats and hockey sticks. It was this fight in the dark as some one in the store killed the lights on the loading dock as they came for us.

I’m RCMP trained in hand to hand techniques that’s mostly Tae Kwon Do with elements of Jujutsu and Aikido thrown in for technique in restraining people, plus I grew up in a family of boys all who which played football and/or hockey and boxed or wrestled. Yeah I can take care of myself; I’ve always liked it that way. So when they came I gave as good as I got and dealt out a lot of cracked ribs, and other injuries. I know I broke one’s nose and hit one four good punches in a row to his kidneys.

I’m sure he pissed blood for awhile after that.

But that’s also when Brandon’s hand had shot out and caught the baseball bat from one of them in his hand just about four inches from the back of my head. I heard the thump crack of wood hitting flesh. That guy could’ve killed me or worse. Brandon Page is one of the nastiest street fighters that I’ve seen. It went hard for a few minutes then he pulled a butterfly knife. Not one of those martial art things but the flippy folding illegal street knife and there was a scary amount of expertise as it came out and danced in his fingers. When he did that it was like someone dumped a rattlesnake into the middle of the fight.

They took off, and we never got the plates, we never got the guy who turned off the lights on us. Or rather I didn’t. But after I had moved into Sam’s after Brandon and Ryan insisted, Andy told, well asked me about these six guys that were a part of the sick old bastards congregation who had been beaten the hell out of and I said honestly that I didn’t know a thing about it.

But going over to help out with the horses and the chores there was just this vibe in the air between the two. Like last night when they had those bats in the fight and ended things with a brutal finality.

Brandon’s a hard guy, I know he’s dangerous. But in the time that passed after that he’s a good guy too. He brings in rescue horses, he good to anyone who’s remotely different. He works with wood and earth and has this I’ve seen stuff thing about him that’s…Brandon.

Just like him carrying the two of us upstairs and into Sam’s room. I slide gently out of his arm as we get close to the bed and I pull back the covers. He gently lay’s her on the bed and she wakes a bit with this sleepy mumble and opens those eyes of hers in this sleepy sexy look. It takes my breath away you know that? Sam’s eyes looking at you when she just wakes up kind of throws this spell over you that you can feel you heart beat her name.

God she reaches out and takes me just by my fingers and pulls me into bed with her. I kiss her and kiss her and get lost to her touch. I’ll admit it; I’m in love with her. Head over heels hopelessly in love with her. She breaks the kiss with me and I’m catching my breath and she sits up and kisses Brandon. I can see she loves him too as there’s this look on her face as his hand touches her head and cradles her by the base of her neck, back of her head and she leans into it, breathes into it.

He breaks the kiss and steps back to leave, because I can see them saying goodbye and goodnight silently sliding between their eyes. It’s late and it’s really not fair or even right to send him home after the way we all fell asleep together, after the way that he carried us up here and…I reach out to him and take his hand. “Don’t Brandon, stay…please.”

God help me the sweet I love you, you’re so cool, I’m proud of you smile that Sam gives me is just…I’m not a crier, but there’s tears building in my eyes from that. Nobody has ever looked at me like that in my entire life.

He quietly says. “Okay, I’m going to take a shower first.” He removes my hand from mine and goes into the bathroom.

Sam’s already kissing me. My hands are all over her removing her clothes and she’s removing mine and I shiver in a good way as her perfect hands cup and rub my breasts. Her palm doing circles over my nipples and I’m arching into it just unable to stop. I’m so hot and horny and aching for her. Sam’s been making quiet love to me with her eyes since they opened and now she’s touching me, sending waves of pleasure through my body.

She’s such a good kisser, sweet, soft lingering unhurried kisses that even when she French kisses me there’s this slow sultriness to it like my tongue was my clit., she treats my super sensitive breasts and nipples with that same reverence. I return the favor just getting lost in my love of her but drunk in the intimacy of it. Sam’s fingers slide down and rub me, slowly and she lets my labial folds just slip between the spaces of her fingers and tease, rub, tease, drive me…insane then she slips her middle too fingers into me just right. Slowly at first, my juices flowing out to lubricate my folds being teasingly grazed by her fingers. Then her middle two fingers curl just enough that the wrinkly but of her knuckles drag over my clit and she pushes the pads of her fingers and drags them on the way out. Sam keeps up that just increasing the tempo until I’m humping, fff…fucking her hand no longer in control of my senses and I cry out “Sam…Sam…oh god, Sam…Sammy…Sa..man..thaaaa….” I have one of the best orgasms in my life, I dig my fingers into her skin and hang on for dear life as I spasm and…Oh fuck she starts doing this lady’s legs swimming wildly motion as I’m cumming, sending me over the edge.

I’m shaking as she lays me down and kisses with me. My body breaks out in a fine sweat as she stares at me with those dreamy eyes of hers and just kind of keeps moving her hand again as her breasts slip and slide between our sweaty bodies mimicking the tango that we’re doing with out tongues. I cum twice more to her touches before I want to, need to repeat the favor.

I roll her over and get lube and a condom and slip it onto my middle two fingers and slip them inside of her. It takes me a few moments of kissing her and worshipping her perfect breasts to finger her love spot. I love her breasts, God they’re so nice, B cup almost a C cup but Sam’s a runner too she they’re really toned, those want to make you beg breasts that I so have a thing for. I use my fingers on her until she’s moaning and mewling and panting and she’s got her girl pointing into me. She calls it Jane and I find it cute that she does that. I slide down kissing and take Jane’s still rather fit five inches and some into my mouth and slowing suck. Sam must have been well equipped before all the hormones, but right now it’s the perfect size. Not too long, not too thick and she doesn’t really taste like a guy does. Not quite like a girl but, not like any guy I’ve tasted either.

She’s got her fingers through my hair and she’s writhing on the bed, breasts heaving with her breathing and as I look up she looks down and her hands go to her breasts, and she rubs herself, kneads and arches. She cums and I just don’t suck, or drink it down but I really suck, I pull to her tip and suck her while holding her length and milk her shaft like I’m trying to suck the cum out of her without her ejaculating…as I’m doing that my other fingers are rubbing her love spot deep inside her and she’s sobbing “Cassy, oh god Cassy I love you. I love you, I love you…”

I kiss up Sam’s sweet body and we kiss and lay there intertwined in our afterglow for several really long minutes. I look at her and bite my lip, and ask. I have to ask.

“Sam? Did you mean it?”

She looks at me and doesn’t even ask what. “Yes Cassandra Cavanaugh I love you, I love you and I’m in love with you.”

I kiss her and she kisses me back and it’s awhile before Brandon comes back to the bed. He looks at us and something’s different. He stares at me and at Sam and there’s this moment of I know he’s not sure about joining us, like he’d be coming in between us.

“I can go; it’s not a big deal.”

I can’t do it; I can’t kick him out to the curb. “Would you stop being nervous Brandon, I’m a lesbian Brandon, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to freak out, or rip it off.”

Sam nods. “Come to bed okay, it’s late.”

He slips into bed as we move and make room for him in the middle. We settle into the bed all together and we cuddle into his broad chest and smile at each other, reach across him and interlace our fingers for a few minutes.

He smells different, and he’s smooth? I smell some of Sam’s Pears body wash on him and the hint of Nair under that. “Brandon? What’d you do?”

“You’re not into guys Cass; I just thought if I was going to be doing this I’d soften the blow.”

“You didn’t have to do that. I could’ve dealt with it y’know.”

“I know but you’re my friend Cass, I think you’re aces and if this just makes it better than it’s no big deal.”

Sam’s smiling at him and then giving me this See, look and she leans up and kisses him.

“It’s a big deal to me Brandon; you didn’t have to do this. It’s…It’s so above and beyond.”

“It’s just hair Cass, no big.”

“Yeah, it’s big and I don’t know any guy that do this.”

Then he looks down at me with this look that just hits my heart that in his own way he loves me too and he kisses my forehead and pulls us in closer. “You’re worth it Cass, now lets get some sleep.”

The only time that I’ve ever fell asleep in a guys arms like that was when I was little and the guy was my dad. Even being naked doesn’t bother me at all and he kisses Sam good night and she stares at me her head on his chest and him resting his head on hers and she reaches out and we lace fingers again but rest our hands palm down on his chest and fall asleep staring into each others eyes.

Sam’s Part…

We fell asleep together and I love them both. It might not last and that scares me. I told Cass that I’m in love with her and I wasn’t lying. Cass is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known both inside and out. I’ve never felt what I’m feeling with her with a girl before. I’ve even used Jane more than I ever had before and while I’m still determined to transition I don’t hate that part of myself anymore. I also thought that I’d never be into another lesbian relationship, but being with Cass has shown me that my last relationship with a woman wasn’t a real lesbian relationship, to the ex I was just a guy with breasts that she could kick.

Last night though, or rather early this morning I got to see Cass interacting with Brandon and got to see this really strong bond between them that’s sweet and beautiful and stronger than I expected but to see then like this together. I fell asleep holding her hand wrapped up in his strong arms flushed with an after glow and utterly in love and proud of both of them.

I woke up with a smile on my face and looked to see Cass pressed half sleeping on Brandon’s chest hair in a beautiful mess all over her face and dead asleep. I loved that, I inhaled that first morning breath and the combination of his smell and hers was just delicious.

I run my hand over my newly smooth Brandon and it’s actually kind of hot and not in that TG thing way but in the way that I can so much more appreciate the hard, hot, powerful corded muscles underneath that deeply tanned skin. My god it’s so much more of a turn on than I knew it’d be. He has scars you only get in combat; I know bullet scars, knife scars, burn scars too. That kind of crosses this bridge inside my head where I can trust him more than I could other people. He said that he never served but he gets it, he gets it and gets me more than I thought I’d ever find.

My hand slides down and Brandon’s got this beautiful thick specimen of morning wood. I move slowly and carefully down and pull him free of his boxer briefs. I pump him a few times still surprised and delighted by the heat and the hardness, his size. He’s no monster porn story guy but he’s above average with eight inches but he’s thick, really thick and consistently so. It’s a beautiful example of manhood and I smell it and nuzzle it and him like he was a fine cigar before taking him into my mouth. I know, there’s an ick factor for some people but I’m really into him. And I’m really attracted to men. And yes there’s still this little edge of really wanting to do good. I thought for the longest time that I’d just be alone and miserable. But it only just adds to the passion that drives me. Brandon moans my name, I woke him…Oops;)

I look up and he’s looking at me and so is Cass staring at me through the thin curtain of her golden honey hair.

I’m egged on by my audience even if the only sounds are the ones that Brandon and I are making. Even still it’s kind of quiet. Erotic even. I get more into it as Cass just quietly dips her fingers down to herself as she watches. This is the most intense moment of my life.

I bring Brandon to his orgasm and as he’s getting off so is Cass. I slide up their bodies and Cass offers me her damp fingers and I suckle on them before we kiss. Brandon starts to move to get out of our way but Cass pushes him gently back down. “We need to do this; I want to get past us dodging each other.” She says as she kisses me and passes Brandon a condom from the nightstand. I nod and kiss her back.

“I agree, we need to…” I gasp as she’s applying KY to myself and massaging me with her fingers. “I…I…love you, I love you both and I know it’s not…It’s not going to be…easy.”

Brandon sits up and kisses me and runs his hand over my hip and up my side and then cups my breast. “No, don’t be thinking that; Sam, Cass just let this just be what it’s going to be, and love it and each other as best as we can and be thankful that we even had it. This doesn’t have to be hard. It just has to be us.” He inhales sharply as Cass stroked him and guided him to where he can slide into me.

God it hurts so good when Brandon pushes into me and I’m filled with him in this way that just never can be matched by any toy, or at least not for me. I’m on top and it takes me a awhile before I find that spot that sends these jolts of pleasure through me and both of them are taking turns kissing me and suckling on my breasts and alternating between one doing the other or…having both of their mouths on my breasts…That brought me to my own orgasm very quickly.

Cass watches leaning back and away as Brandon and I pick up our speed and intensity. I feel him pull out and he moves behind me before sinking back into me. I can’t help but to toss my head back into a moan of delight as he sinks to his base and wraps those powerful arms around me and cups my breasts and starts to make love to me but there’s this great edge to it as his strokes become hard and forceful, yet gentle because of the incredible rhythm he’s using. I kiss with him and get almost hypnotized by that sultry hooded look in her eyes as she masturbates watching us right in front of her.

I’m almost there and panting it when Cass gets up from where she was laying and takes me into her mouth. When I cum I see stars and damned near hyperventilate. My orgasm is so much more powerful as my second one follows as my muscles tense up and I feel every blessed inch of Brandon inside of me as the involuntary tightening of my insides molds me around him, then I feel the pulses as he reaches orgasm.

I’m panting and sweating as Cass slithers up my body and we go breast to breast and kiss and kiss as Brandon slides away and watches us make out and make love to each other falling on the bed beside him and I use my hand and fingers on Cass in the way that she loves. Brandon reaches over to cup one of her breasts and she nods to him giving him permission and he suckles her left breast while I slide over to give him enough room and suckle on her right.

After her second orgasm by my hand she stares at him and looks at me with this fevered, yet pleading look and at him. “Please…I…I want to try…” I reach into the night stand and pass him another condom and keep kissing her and playing with both her breasts as Brandon moves her hips to him more and slowly sinks into her. I move out of the way and watch her get lost in the feeling of being with Brandon and she opens her eyes and stares and looks at me…reaches out to me and bites her lip. Brandon stops and leans down and kisses her as he pulls out. “Cass, I’m sorry, you’re not doing this…This isn’t something you really want is it honey?”

There’s tears spilling out from her eyes as she’s looking at both of us. More spill out as she closes her eyes. “I’m sorry guys, I’m sorry…I just thought…I though because Brandon’s so different than any guy I’ve ever met that it would be different this time…”

She starts to cry a little and Brandon pulls her into a hug sheets and all and shushes her and holds her. “Cass, Cass it’s okay, so you aren’t into me sexually right?”

Sniffle… “No..But…But.. I wanted to be!, I did!”

“Hey, you still love me right?” He asks leaning down close to her face, he’s even smiling.

“Y..Yeah.” I’ve never seen this side of Cass before, this deeply vulnerable side. “I love you, I really do I mean it, I’m not just saying that…”

“I know, I know Cass. Look we’re intimate, we’ve been intimate right?”

Sniffle… “Yeah?”

“But you just can’t be sexual with me, or any guy right?”

She closes her eyes again and some more tears. I get this, just because you’re gay or lesbian that doesn’t mean that you don’t still have issues about being normal/straight even if you’re out. She nods. “I..I..I just can’t, I want too Brandon, I’d love too but it just doesn’t feel right. I’m so sorry guys I’m so sorry, I’m…” Brandon leans forward until he’s touching her forehead to forehead. Cass opens her eyes again and stares at him.

“Cass, love is love and sex is sex and while they go together pretty good. I don’t or will ever have sex be the guiding force in why I love the people I love. And I love you Cass, I love you and that’s never going to change just because of sex.”

She hangs on to him arms around his neck and bawls for a few minutes. I look at him and lean past Cass’s head and kiss him sweetly because…because he’s Brandon, and there just isn’t anyone I’ve ever known like him. He passes Cass to me and I wrap us up in the blankets and he gently kisses both of us. “I’ve love to stay ladies but I’ve got horses and my animals to take care of.” I nod and Cass just smiles a tiny shy bit and he get’s out of bed and heads to the bathroom to shower.

Cass is still pretty sniffly and I lay back down into the bed with her and curl right up with her and intertwine myself with her and just lay there both of our hair a tangled mess and in our faces as we stare into each others eyes. After a few minutes I pull on of the sheets all the way over us like a tent and shut the world out from us. I bring my hand over to her face and gently move the hairs out of her face.

“Cass? Are you going to be okay?”

“I think so…I just feel pretty rotten and washed out about the whole thing.”

“I get that, I know you’re out and everything but there was still that little part of you in there that still kind of clings on to the whole straight thing.”

“Kinda, maybe. I just thought if there was a guy that might get me passed this thing that I have about not liking guys sexually it’d be him.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“No.”

“Can I ask what is it that you can or don’t like about guys?”

“I’m not all the way sure. I mean when Brandon slid into me it was fine, I was good with it but the more we began to make love the more it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I hate y’know a guy’s y’know because yours in just fine and I’ve got lots of toys but it’s like the weight behind it, the inertia, the way he moves and all of it just feels wrong like motion sickness or worse until I just couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“So you don’t hate guys then.”

“No, no I don’t hate guys heck if I did I’d be in a poor job to be in then and besides I’ve got like four older brothers, me and my mom are well were the only girls in the family until the guys started hooking up and getting married.”

“So what is you like about girls then?”
She actually chewed on her lower lip in that I’m thinking kind of way and was quiet for a few minutes before she answered. “It’s not a matter of me liking specific things about a girl. I like certain things more than others but for me it’s a lot of little things that have to do with the person that they are and their personality now.”

“Now?”

“I went a little typical or rather stereotypical young lesbian lawyer thing back in college. I got into the hook ups and the short hair and the female power thing before I got into that life a little deeper and found out a lot of these women are just nasty miserable people. I ended up in a crowd or rather a scene of people that just fucking hated men. I like guys, I have tons of guy friends and when I started to get sick of them and changed how I was living my life I ended up with a lot less bed partners but instead of hook ups they ended up being a lot more.”

“Sounds like we knew some people that be ideal for each other or hate each others guts. My ex-girl friend didn’t like the fact that I was biologically male and made it seem like she was such a big person for bringing in the boy to the world of women. She was very into the whole femdom thing but she liked to belittle me for serving in the armed forces. I was just coming out and starting my transition and everything so at the time I really didn’t get just how much she was just talking shit.”

Then totally unplanned we both said at the same time. “I love you because you’re real.”

We stared at each other then we burst out laughing, then laughter turned to tickling each other and then kissing then us making love again in that whole little world of ours under the sheets and when I slid into Cass she gave out this sweet little dreamy sigh that all was right in the world and then wrapped her legs around my waist.

I vaguely remember trying to swat at Brandon who ran his fingertip up the bottom of my foot while I was making love to Cass. And before he left, he turned on the stereo and one of those 70’-90’ love ballad digital stations began to play in the background.

We got up around noon actually and made our way into the bathroom. We showered together and cleaned each other up. Washed each others hair and I took my meds and my hormones. It was a routine that we both liked and yet we weren’t too familiar with. It was fun right along with me getting dressed to go out for my run. My two piece tights under my run fit stuff and my sweats over that and I looked at Cass as we went downstairs. She just had yoga pants on and a baggy t-shirt and an old plaid shirt that was unbuttoned over that. I liked the look on her. “You not coming?”

“What jogging me?”

“Yeah you. Aren’t police supposed to keep in shape and all that?”

“I go to the gym thank you very much and I’ve got stuff at home to use while working out.”

“I should get some of that here.”

“Yeah, it might be a good idea.”

“You could always move your stuff in here.”

She stopped and stared at me. “Sam…are you asking me to move in?”

“Yes, I’m asking you to move in with me.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Yes, of course you can think about it.” I give her a kiss and toss a couple of bottles of water into my jogging bag and some granola bars and eat two of those chocolate flavoured vitamin chews for women. I hug Jenny who’s in the kitchen baking up a storm of stuff and head out for my morning jog even though it’s lunchtime.

***
I love this area, I really do. It’s December and we’ve just gotten the first bit of snow here and being so close to the mountains it stays around a bit. It’s just a few inches but it has cooled the air and it covers the ground and just frosts the trees and with the abundance of pines and cedars and spruces along with the great big fir trees it’s an absolutely beautiful time to run.

***
It’s been a couple of days since I asked Cass to move in with me, actually it’s been a week since that night/morning with Brandon or rather the thing between Brandon and Cass had happened.

They’ve gotten past it, or I’m pretty sure that they have. It took Cass about two days before she just had to go over to the horses and it was just like everything went back to normal between the two of them. Brandon has nine horses but only four of them are able to be ridden and they take turns doing so, and exercising them and Ryan and Jenny and even me…although I’m still really green at it having only ridden a bare few times before they started to teach me. I’m far more content to feed them and the rabbits and brush them when I’m over there.

Cass has taken me riding though and we even went on the road and back up into the hills and down a couple of the logging and woods roads on a picnic. It was a good day and a great date.

Brandon and I are still together, still us even though that’s kind of just it. Us, it doesn’t need to be more than that. Cass has been to her place like two nights out of the week and I missed her and I slept over at Brandon’s one night and he spent the night with me the other. We’ve gone out twice just for a drive and the second time we stopped and had a nice supper at the diner that had started my flashback to my very young childhood and when I was daddy’s little girl.

Yes Brandon and I had spent those nights together making love as well as a few times just when the moment would take us when we’re together and there is just something cowboy yay…about making love on a scratchy horse blanket laid over some hay bales in the loft. I’ve done it once with Brandon and once with Cass. There’s something that was so sexy about the both of them in their work clothes and all hot from tossing down the hay bales to the floor of the barn, just sweaty enough in a good way and the smell of the hay still on their skin.

My sex life is great, and they both treat me like the woman that I know I’ve always been meant to be. Life’s just good really. I’m in love with two people just head over heels with both of them and they both love and care for each other. More than once I’ve found them lounging together on the same couch him holding Cass them just vegging out and watching television together. I’ll slide in with them and they’ll make room for me and they have no problem sometimes taking turns touching or kissing me.

The three of us still haven’t tried to sleep together in the same bed or try the threesome together even though in our pillow talk the two of them had admitted they love watching me being with the other. Brandon even said to both of us one night that Cass and I together either during our lovemaking or just pressed together kissing in afterglow would make a erotic but also touching painting. That was a serious blush moment for the both of us.

Things with Jenny are coming along well and when I’m not with Cass or over at Brandon’s I’m hanging out with her. Her accent is oddly southern United States where her family and her mother comes from. There’s people in her family from both Arkansas and Oklahoma. Her home town is so under the sway of their church that they’re almost like one of those Mormon communities. I know this sounds way too gay boy but she’s just way too amazingly versed in all of these really old fashioned womanly things that I absolutely love it. It makes me want to girl out and get all old fashioned girl sometimes.

She’s been teaching me how to bake better and to sew and a lot of the old school lady like stuff while Lacey and Cass and I teach her the heathen ways of today’s modern woman. It’s been a really good trade off too I’m bound and determined and so is Lacey that we’re going to get her into a GED program and get that girl back into school. She’s just too talented an artist and too sweet and smart a young lady not to. I really love having her as my little sister.

We’ve cleaned out the spare bedroom of a lot of stuff that mom but mostly dad had just tossed in there while using it a storage closet. It’s been mostly recycled or given away to the thrift stores in town or whatnot. I’ve well we’ve turned it into a spare bedroom and I’ve even got plans to put in some kind of gym or workout room in the basement.

The house is starting to look and feel like a home and I’m really enjoying it. There’s a few times where I just walk outside for a few minutes with a hot coffee in hand and just take in the changes to everything, enjoy it all, get all warm and fuzzy inside as I look at the Christmas lights.

Billy and Jenny have been seeing each other just about every night but as far as I can tell they’ve never had sex yet and even though she’s a grown young lady she and he haven’t really been out past two in the morning.

Rather embarrassingly there was a lot of my stuff in there from my earlier days and way before I joined the military and stuff. I don’t mind some of it though because there’s pictures of me and my folks there. My hormones get the better of me a few times and I end up going through a crying jag.

Even my PTSD has been a lot more manageable. The nightmares have sort of stopped, sort of. I’ve been worried about when I’m with someone sometimes that I might lose it and while they don’t wake me up screaming there has been a few nights where I’m up and slipping out of bed with Cass and sipping a coffee out in the cold on my porch swing.

There was a flashback when one of the horses took an ugly fit and kicked the wall of his stall and set me off with the loud bang. I hit the ground and hid deeper into the barn hiding like I was looking for cover. I didn’t black out but my flight response had taken over everything else for the moment. Ryan was there and he talked me down. He’s very good at that. It still led to a hard night that night though.

I’ve talked to my therapist twice now as she makes the trip up here and sees a few other people on an outpatient basis at the local hospital. She says I’m starting too make some good progress but she is concerned about how things are going between me Brandon and Cass. She is mollified by the fact that I’m a bit freaked about it myself too and that we’re at least for the moment trying to see that things work in a mature fashion.

Cass’s suspension just got lifted and she’s going back into work this morning. I can’t help but to watch her and get all fan girl gooey, turned on as I watch her go through the ritual she has of getting ready for her shift. There is just something so….yay…about seeing my girl getting dressed into her uniform and going over her gear and then strapping things on. It reminds me of putting my battle gear on…but a lot sexier.

I walk her out of the house and down to her RCMP issue Crown Victoria cruiser and kiss her and push her up against her car door. We kiss like that for a few minutes before she turns the tables on me and picks me up off my feet and sets me on the hood of her cruiser.

We make out for a few minutes more before she sighs and pulls me off the hood. And she smiles at me. “Look I’ve been thinking and Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I’ll move in with you.”

“You will?!”

“Yes I will, I’m here all the time. I’m basically paying rent at my place as a spot to hold my stuff right now and there’s not that much stuff anyway so…yeah. If you still want me too I’ll move in with you.”

“Of course I still want you to!!!”

“Good then, merry Christmas then.”

I dance sway over too her and plant a long, long movie star kiss on her just like the ones that you see on screen where the two people kissing are standing still and everything around them sort of spins around them.

Yeah, a long, deep, sweet universe spinning kiss.

I watch her get in her car this huge grin on our faces and I even watch her drive down the road until I can’t see her anymore. I feel Brandon wrap and arm around my shoulders and pull me into his arms and a hug as I’m still watching where her car drove out of sight.

“She finally make up her mind.”

“Yeah she’s moving in I asked her a week ago and she said yes.”

“Good, it’s about bloody time.”

“Huh?”

“Oh she’s been going on about trying to take this step for the last three days to me and Ryan, even the horses are sick of hearing about it.”

I burst out laughing and he keeps it up with a bit of a tickle, and then kisses me. I look him in the eyes and he smiles and I know that this hasn’t changed a thing.

“C’mon it’s cold out and Ryan’s cooking bacon and waffles.”

Bridges 18

Chapter 18

It’s been two days since Cass said she’d move in with me. It’s been a busy time with getting the house ready for Christmas and moving things around and tossing out more stuff or putting it my garage for storage.

Brandon and Ryan, Steve and Bobby have been great fixing up my garage and stuff since it was really kind of getting old and there were things falling apart inside of it. Some new beams, new shelves and fixing up dad’s old work bench and even getting in space heaters to redo the old floor in there with a new one of set bricks in concrete.

It really looks good in there. I thanked Brandon very, very personally this morning after Cass had gone to work….There’s something to be said for having hot sweaty sex when you’re still endorphin flushed from a hard morning run.

I love Cass and making love with her and having her make love to me is…but there’s just something about hot hard real flesh and all that power and muscle that Brandon has. He so easily makes me feel small and delicate and beautiful.

I can’t help but smile even a little bit silly like as I’m soaking in my bath and easing that good hurt while I enjoy the hot water, and the light lilac and vanilla scents of the foaming bath stuff and soap up my legs and my pits and get all smooth for my loves but as much for myself too.

Get out and drying off I’m greeted by the smells of Jenny baking already. I just do ankle socks and yoga pants and one of dad’s button up old plaid shirts and head downstairs to see what’s up.

Jenny’s awesome, a great kid sister really. She’s in a bandanna over her hair and a nice simple dress with short sleeves and it’s just this soft cream color with yellow trim and sunflowers around the bottom hem of it. I swear she sometimes looks like she stepped out of the 1950’s. I know she made the dress I was with her when we bought the material. She’s got flour out and she’s got every baking thing I don’t think that I knew that I owned out and filled with stuff the kitchen table is covered in baking ingredients like crazy.

I whistle long and low. “Holy cow, Jenny what’s going on?”

“Ahm bakin Sammy, what’s it look like silly.”

“Yeah I can see that but wow, this is a lot of stuff.”

“Sammy It’s Christmas time and I always bake up a storm this time of year. Plus we got the fellas an me an Cass plus if Cass is living here it’d only be right an all to bake up a few things an all for the other Mounties and such at the office and all.”

I smile nodding as she passes me my morning coffee. It’s sweet but it’s also a good idea. Actually it gives me another idea too. “You want some help; I think I’ve got a whole mess of people I want to bake for all of a sudden.”

“Why sure hun, who’d you have in mind?”

“Dad’s fire hall, and a whole bunch of care packages for the guys and girls still over seas.”

Jenny’s eyes went huge and she hugs me. “I’d love to Sammy; I ain’t never baked for something so important before yanno.”

“Me either, I’ve never spent a lot of time baking. I can follow a mix but this.”

“This is good old fashioned scratch baking Sammy, so folks call it work but I think it’s just a wonderful thing to do especially for those you love.”

“Yeah, it’s just…there’s something so really femmy about just knowing all of this stuff to me Jenny, Like all that stuff you do that’s all so old fashioned and sweet and stuff. My mom knew some of that and I didn’t get to really be her daughter but I really want to learn this.”

“And here I’m worried about me being some backwater hick and all. But y’all know I’m more than happy to be showing you this stuff Sammy. I’ve never really had myself a sister like you before.”

“Because I wasn’t born a girl?”

“No silly because you’ve been places an seen things and all that. Most of my family barely left town only to go to places where everyone else was like us too. I learn things about real life everyday living here with you.”

I smile at her and we hug and I make a few calls as I’m having my morning coffee. I call down to CFB Commox and talk to some of the staff there and eventually the commander who says it’d be okay to bring stuff to send through them to Kandahar. And passes my call to the head of logistics and supply.

I’m actually excited by the idea of it and Jenny gets excited about it too having never done anything for her country before. I’m on the phone to Lacey who said she’d be over after work and stuff and I call Cass all excited. “Hey you.”

“Hey Sam, what’re you doing beautiful?” I can’t help but smile and bite my lower lip.

“I’m baking with Jenny.”

“You bake?”

“Uhm, not really well but I’m going to learn as we go. Guess what?”

“Uhm…What?”

“We’re going to do up a whole bunch of stuff and the base down at Commox is going to get it flown over to the troops on some of the supply planes.”

“Really, that’s pretty cool; I know they’ll really appreciate a taste of home cooking and stuff especially from one of their own.”

“Yeah, I really hope so. Just the thought of being able to do this for them after being over there myself kind of makes this really important.”

“Hopefully it’ll do you some good with your therapy and stuff.”

“Yeah though I never thought of it that way. So you bust today?”

“Meh, more of the same. Drive around, listen for trouble, write some tickets pretty standard fare so far but it’s early yet.”

“Well, be careful out there beautiful.”

“Always Sam, I’ve got a lot more to come home too now.”

“I Love You.”

“I Love you too.”

We hang up from each other and I forgo my morning run for and apron of my own and me cranking up some tunes on the stereo and it’s all kinds of fun and silly as me and Jenny are singing along to CCR and Mountain, Nazareth, AC/DC and other bands that you hear on base a lot. I’m introducing her to a lot of the rock and roll devils music and showing her how to dance to it as she trades off with teaching me how to bake cookies from scratch and feather bread rolls and we make tons and tons of homemade deep fried doughnuts too. Some plain, some rolled still hot in cinnamon and sugar, some in a glaze made from water, lemon juice and powdered sugar or maple with it thickened by stirring in water and cornstarch.

Brandon and Ryan came over with Bobby and Steve at lunch and we just made hot dogs and craft dinner but the guys ate ten or so doughnuts each and Ryan stole out of there with a handful of peanut butter cookies.

There was something so…cool, girly, femme and awesome about that whole scene the two of us baking up a storm and then just having this easy lunch and feeding the guys and them pigging out. All four of them gave us these really big hugs and kisses thanking us over and over again for the awesome dinner. It got us both blushing and Brandon kissed me long and slowly and just all wonderfully and tender before he went back to work at his place. The kisses just seemed sort of extra special with that flavoring left over of the cinnamon and sugar still on him.

I make a run into town to pick up stuff we’re going to need like boxes to put the food in and waxed paper and boxes to ship it all in and stuff like that plus a list of more baking supplies and Cass isn’t there at the station but I drop off a dozen of each kind of the doughnuts we made plus two dozen cookies and two dozen rolls and Andrew’s there and he thanks us a lot and shows me around and off as Cass’s girl.

I blush but they all know about me in one way or another. Passing Cass’s office I see pictures of me and her here and there. She’s not shy about me and her being together. It’s so much this amazing ego boost to know that your SO talks to her friends and co-workers about having you as part of your life.

It’s also like getting into this kind of a different sect of society, cops are almost kind of forced to have this tight knit community within the community, like the military, or firefighters, EMT’s or hospital staff there’s stuff they do or see that people that live outside the life never get to see and that we can’t talk about to anyone else. There’s also the fact that Andrew shows me a series of pictures up on the wall of various RCMP units that where stationed here over the years, lots of history here. Then he points out a couple of pictures with my mom with the rest of the detachment when she was stationed here and another one with her in the hospital in her pj’s and her moose slippers getting flowers from the superintendent. She’s wearing her dress red jacket over her shoulders and she’s so thin it hurts even to see that picture. Dad’s hovering near her but as sick as she was then she’s standing tall in front of this guy and even though she’s that sick and her hair’s gone there’s fight in her.

Beside her picture is a breast cancer memorial ribbon and a plaque stating there’s a yearly thousand dollar bursary in her name for a GED student to go onto community college. I can’t help but smile at that, that was all mom. She’d have thought of that, who sets up something like that for the high school drop out kids that are trying to get back on their feet.

There’s some more tears at that because it’s so my mom. She’d always been my hero growing up and honestly I don’t know if it was a TG thing but as long as I can remember I wanted to be like my mom. Now seeing this, and everything she’s right back there. In the hero zone. Andrew gives me a one armed hug.

“Your mom was something else Sam. Cass and I’ll go places on the job and Someone’ll mention you and her going out and there’s people here in town who still remember what a good officer she was.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, Cass was actually leery of asking you out and has been nervous while she’s been seeing you. You Chase’s are like royalty here in Bridgetown with some people.”

“Really?” I sniffle.

“Your Mom was a respected officer, your Dad a hero of a firefighter and then there’s you Sam. There’s a whole lot of people who don’t see the person that left town a guy and came back a girl. There’s a whole lot of folks who see you as the girl who risked her life time and time again saving our troops in the field. Trust me Cass’s been getting you treat that girl good speech from some of them.”

I’m stunned and sniffling and he gets me some tissues. “I really never thought that anyone’s think that well of me. I always just seem to notice the bad I guess.”

“Well, it’s probably because the assholes always seem to go out of their way to be assholes and get in your face. Most people don’t care that much and then there’s the people your parents have helped, that you’ve helped…five under fire medical rescues not counting the stuff in surgery on base or the fact you got shot down in the field and after getting to where you get rescued by a US army unit and they get hit by a roadside bomb you still saved a GI when you were wounded. Hell Cass thought she was nowhere near your league.”

“God no, Cass is the most amazing girl, woman that I’ve ever known.”

“Well Cass thinks the same thing about you.”

I’m beaming at that and wiping the tears away. “Uhm Andy do you think I could get a copy of those pictures and stuff for home?”

“Sure Sam, I’ll take care of it myself.”

I’m a little shaky though, him bringing up Afghanistan has things stirred up a bit. He looks at me. “C’mon lets get a coffee.”

Andrew takes me to their break room and pours me a cup. Several Mounties are there and everyone of the calls me Sam and asks me if I’m okay.

“Not really, I’m still working through some PTSD stuff.”

One of the girls Kate I think looks at me. “Bad was it? Some of us have been under fire but nothing like what you’ve been through.”

Andy gets me into a chair and I sip my coffee with both hands. There’s about seven of them here but something just comes out of me like I’m safer here than most places.

“We were enroute to a pick up call for wounded under fire when it happened. It was the unit that picked me up actually. It took about thirty minutes flying to get into country and I was spaced out trying to get into that zone you sort of have to get into to run through the shit to get to the soldiers so I didn’t know what happened until it happened.

One minute we were flying then we were hit by a Sov era RPG round…if it hadn’t hit armor plate we’d have been blown to hell. As it was I was hit with a wash of flames spilling in and the door gunner got torn to ribbons. We went down hard and fast and I got thrown clear as we hit a gravel dune. There was a group of insurgents that came up on us fast and we ended up in a firefight with them losing the pilot and the Doc to weapons fire before the US army guys that we had been called in to get, came and saved our asses and got us out of there.

It was three hours after that with all of our wounded and theirs stable enough to move we headed out. We passed through this valley that had a small village in it when we hit the IED.

The Humvee I was in got tossed upside down like a kid threw a tantrum and I couldn’t here a thing it was this dullness that tuned out every other sound except for this whining ring in my ears. I fractured my right arm and there was a chunk of metal through my leg. Then everything just happened. These people came out of the buildings on the other side of the street shooting at us and we shot back trying to get to cover. I think I shot four or five people but the only one I’m sure I hit was a kid with a submachine gun who came around the corner of a building with a bandanna over his mouth. I shot him and killed him, it wasn’t until he fell and his mask came untied that I saw he was just a kid.

Just some kid who’d be an annoying little teen in the arcade or skateboarding or something here and I shot him. Five rounds center mass and he never got a round off. I was staring at what I did when I took two to the shoulder here. (I touch where the scars are.) The rest of it just melts into pain and chaos and blood loss.

I remember some GI Jane and another GI getting me out of there and dumping quik-clot on my leg and shoulder and getting carried to a medical chopper with other wounded. I kind of remember the american kid beside me spurting a bleeder in mid-flight and the medics were too busy to get to it fast enough and sliding my hands into the meat of hid thigh to pinch shut his femoral artery in his leg until they could get to it.

I don’t remember passing out during that but I was told they had to pry my fingers clear. I don’t remember that but the crash, seeing Nathalie our door gunner getting killed by the brunt of the RPG wash…the Afghani kid, I’ll never get that kid out of my head…”

I’m shaking a bit, crying and two of the female officers are wiping tears off of my face as I sip the coffee. It’s quiet in the break room until there’s hands on the sides of my face and Cass is there…

I whine, it just hurts to have let this out to share it and she’s there in her uniform, vest, jacket and looking like my version of a knight, my cop-girl, my heroine…holding my face and looking at me eyes full of love and understanding and she leans down and kisses me deeply. I was drowning in my past there and she just saved me.

It was one of those kisses that lasted forever and nowhere near long enough.

Cass took my to the truck telling Andy she was taking a sick day tomorrow…She drives me home…I’m cuddled next to her with her RCMP jacket around my shoulders and I’m lost in a daze of having been back there and her love fighting off the hell in my head and this security of the jacket that tugs a memory of wearing mom’s that I never had….

She took me home, to our room and lit scented candles, talked on the phone a bit and took me to our bed and undressed each other Cass just letting her vest and belt and gear fall to the floor.

There’s is something I’ll never ever forget…the sight of my busty beautiful Cass in just French cut black lace panties and still in her Mountie shirt it hanging loose over her body as she shook her hair out of the bun she had to keep it in. I’ve never seen a woman that beautiful as in that one moment.

She just undresses the rest of the way and slides into bed and holds me, kisses me gently face to face and staring me in my eyes grounding me to the here and now with her. It’s like that for hour? It seemed like hours when Brandon comes in and undresses and slips into bed behind me and presses up close to me giving me this loving body to lean on and his arms slip around me and his hands actually pull Cass closer to me and he nuzzles in and kisses my neck.

It’s never been like this, I never thought I’d have this…them…be, feel safe.

I break down into tears….
Letting them just love me…

Bridges 19

Chapter 19

I wake up slowly feeling spent but good. Last night was another hard one but at the same time I’m so grateful to have Cass and Brandon. I slowly sit up in bed and I’m alone in my bedroom. I see the early morning sunshine drifting in through the window. I heard Cass banging around and talking with Jenny in the kitchen and I can smell the hints of coffee starting to waft through the air. I lie back a few minutes and smile. I think she took the day off for me. I smile and kind of can’t help myself as the sheets smell of Brandon and of Cass both. I roll over from one side of the bed to another stopping at each of their pillows to hug it and pull it into a two armed hug while I bury my face in them and inhale just sort of do that girly leg lifting smiling because as bad as it was last night it’s still better than I ever though I’d have.

That I can smell this, grab these pillows and hug them, that I’ve got people around me now that love me and care about me. I’m really, really happy this morning. I roll off the side of the bed and kind of hurry to the bathroom and take my meds while I go through the necessaries I take a hot shower and slip into a set of my favorite navy blue panties and was going to get dressed the rest of the way when I see her Mountie shirt on the floor. I can’t help but smile.

*Cass’s Part…

Brandon was the first one up and he moved really carefully and quietly for a big guy. He leaned over and tenderly kissed her on the forehead then softly on her lips. I’ve got so many mixed feelings about him. Honestly he’s a guy unlike any I’ve ever met and if I could sleep with men he’d be right there at the top of my list. I stare at him and smile and he kisses me too. Sweet and soft and gentle, we…I might be a lesbian but Brandon get’s that and we’ve got this weird connection where we’re not lovers but there’s stuff we’ve gone through and I love him, not like a friend, not like a brother but something else entirely and yet…He gets me and Sam and that I’m head over heels in love with her. I love her so much that I don’t get weirded out by her not being a girl all the way…yet.

He breaks the kiss with a whispered “Later.” and he slips off to the bathroom and showers. I go back to sleep for another half an hour before the need to pee gets me up. I take a shower and steal one of her army green tank shirts and those green cotton army panties. It’s kind of a turn on to wear these, to see her in them. I’ve always had a thing for the look of these on a military girl and honestly I’ve always thought military girls were sexy as hell. Her top doesn’t really fit my breasts and it’s got this almost tank top thing going on leaving my midriff exposed. Sam’s still in slumber-land by the time I head downstairs. I only get the PTSD thing from stuff other cops have been through and just stuff I’ve been exposed to. Seeing Sam going through this, being there fore this. It’s hard, there sometimes that I’m so scared for her and of what might be going on in her head. But I’ll take real over pretty any day.
I kiss the back of her neck because she’s all messy haired face down between the pillows in a way that just makes my heart ache. I head downstairs to find Jenny and Lacey who’ve been cooking up a storm and packing things into folding bakery boxes and fastening them with stickers of the Canadian flag that say we love our troops.

I eat a couple of the best peanut butter cookies I’ve ever had and start making coffee using Sam’s Tim Horton’s perk blend and I’m just having my first cup when I see Sam walk in….

My breath catches in my throat and my hand nearly drops my coffee cup. Sam slinks towards me in these hot, navy blue panties tucked so she looks all girl yummy and even more make my pussy ache yummy is Sam wearing my uniform shirt with just or rather only two buttons done up and her breasts are so perfectly bouncing under the blue fabric and her nipples are poking into the fabric…

She walks to me and takes my hand and the coffee cup and she takes a drink from it and then kisses me. “Good morning beautiful.” she croons at me…then kisses me pressing her breasts against mine and between that and the kissing. My nipples ache and suddenly I’m too hot in my skin. I can’t help but to kiss her back and when I do she steps backwards but wraps her arms around me and pulls me with her.

“C’mon Let’s go back to…bed…I’m still a little…tired.” She drags out bed and tired in this haltingly sexy way and I’ve been with a few people but I’ve ever seen someone do this sexy walk, slink, wiggle thing backwards. There’s a click I didn’t notice before and a quick glance down treats me to Sam wearing four inch heels that increase the ow of want in me.

I’ve got this sexy tall blonde with shower tousled hair and she’s got her arms draped around my neck like we were dancing, wearing my police blue shirt just loose and draping her and those sex panties and ….

We kiss all the way upstairs and we kiss deeply and passionately and we kiss slowly, I’ve never had a partner a lover like Sam. I’ve never been so softly kissed on my lips that she almost pulls on my lips like when your lover gently bites you lip and pulls but this is just as sexy, less aggressive, and tender. Just with her kissing and her lips pull away but pulling on me like she was tasting me.

She get’s us going down the hall and the kisses and the faint soft whispery drag of her lips go along my jaw line, to my ears. She nuzzles and nibbles my ears and I’m hurting I’m that horny, My panties are soaked more than anyone’s ever done. She pulls me to our room and guides me to the bed and presses me to the bed post as she’s now kissing me like the on my face to my ear and her fingers are running through my hair with one hand and she’s running her finger of the other hand over my lips, I close my eyes and…two tears slide down my face as Sam’s touch turns into a kiss.

No one touches me like this. No one touches my heart and soul like this. Sam’s lips kiss and slide down my shoulder until they push the tank top’s strap off my shoulder. Then she tugs it off with her other hand and it slides slithers down my body.

Sam’s back to kissing me but it goes from deep and passionate and from that to deep passionate French kissing. Her hands come up and cup my breasts and she doesn’t squeeze but pushes against me, making them bulge under her fingers as her hands slowly yet gently turn one way than the other and back again and then she gently kneads them with her fingers still turning her hands as she releases my breasts and the palms of her hands grind softly over my nipples. I have to reach behind my back and hang onto the bed post. That just encourages Sam to lower her mouth to my breasts and kisses them.

I mean she Kisses them.

You know those romantic kisses that feel so good your hearts racing and they leave you breathless? Those movie kisses where the camera spins around you and your lover like the world spinning around you. She doing that, kissing my breasts like than and I sob as my insides tighten up and one of her hands rubs my swollen sex through my…her panties and I climax, orgasm, and whatever you want to call my body crying out in ecstasy that matches the feeling in my soul.

Sam’s hands move me to the bed and she lays me down and she keeps driving me to panting cries as she keeps making love to my breasts and rubbing me off onto I lose my little bits of control I had. And My hips roll as I ride her hand and she takes me over the edge with the attention to my breasts and then there’s the teasing whispery touches of her hair feathering over my skin and the touch of my uniform shirt that’s now unbuttoned and it and the tips of her breasts drive me deeper and deeper into being just hers…I’ve never had a lover as good as Sam, one that was so romantic and sexy and so more about being there for me instead of me being the Cop and the strong one.

My soldier girl really shows me how to be a real woman, to feel like a woman reaching that height of passion and love. My hands pound helplessly at the bed and I cry as she comes up and rests her weight on her arms and her breasts press into mine so…so perfectly and she takes it right over the edge by holding my face in both of her hands and she Kisses me. God it feels like she’s kissing me forever and not enough and leaves me gasping for air as she breaks the kiss and slides down my body and kisses my sex through the soaked, super soaked panties.

Sam drives me insane as she nibbles and nuzzles and suckles at my flesh as she doesn’t just pull my panties off but rolls them slowly down off of my hips and does all those things to my exposed skin.

I swear she bite, gets her mouth into me like I’m a peach. My juices squirt in that bite, I arch and cry out heart hammering in my chest as juices run out the side of her mouth. I writhe and climb the sheets rather than the walls and cry out over and over as She makes love to me then inches her way back up my body and lifts my by my legs and bottom more firmly onto the bed. She grabs some of this lube that she keeps for you know and she rubs it on her hands, her breasts giving me a bit of a show and then on mine. Sam lowers herself over me and slides Jane into me and I cry out at that. I’m sort of used to it now and toys before than but I’m so sex wired now it’s a surge of ecstasy. It’s the strangest part of things the fact that I’m loving Sam’s Jane and the.. the.. the stroking how hard and hot she is but I’m a lesbian….and then there’s the blissful effect, beyond blissful effect of her lovemaking making our breasts bounce but not just bounce but with the lube they’re slipping and sliding and caressing each other in this super Sapphic way.

My orgasms, three very, very close together are the best I’ve ever had and by the time my senses return Sam’s panting on top of me kissing me slowly and softly. I smile just a little out of it, that goofy sweet trying to pull my brains back together smile. I kiss with her a few more times and roll us over and start kissing her back in earnest and rubbing my now slick body against her own. Then sliding down to take her Jane into my mouth. I’m not very experienced at doing this and Sam’s not experienced at receiving this and yet it’s good. It’s very good and soon my fingers are sliding into her and massaging her little yay happy spot as she creams herself for me.

We could’ve just stayed in bed all day. I smile and grin as I come up and we kiss some more. “We should get cleaned up honey and downstairs to help. Lacey and Jenny have been working pretty hard and if we get stuff done I’ll be able to go with you and make a day trip out of it.”

I loved the way her eyes lit up when it because an us day. I love everything about her and then some. I look at her all sweaty and flushed and messy slipping out of bed and into the bathroom and it hits me like I’ve been shot. I want to marry this girl. I want her to be my wife. I just laid there for a few minutes staring at the bathroom doorway and hearing the water start running for the shower. Going through that thing you know that you go through when you realize that you’re that much in love with that person you want to get married to them.

“You coming Cass?”

“Yeah be right there.”

I head into the bathroom thinking about how sure I am about everything about how much I’m falling for Cass and how much this is going to…what are we…what am I going to do about Brandon and Sam.

*Brandon’s part…

Cass called me last night and told me what had gone on with Sam having a PTSD moment at the station last night. I came over and spent the night with Cass and her again. I like Cass and this is what it is but there’s a part of me that just want’s to keep Sam tom myself. I don’t want to be an asshole. I come from a family of selfish asshole pretty much and kind grew up went to high school with enough of them It’s really pushed me to be different.

I love them both and I’m close to both of them but I’m in love with Sam. I could be in love with Cass too but I’m scared or have been scared to look too closely at those feelings. A straight guy in love with a lesbian girl, not a great recipe for a love story.

I left them alone together as I kind of almost feel I have to do. They both say that I shouldn’t duck out on them but there’s only so much third wheel that someone can take right?

That’s one of the good things about having horses. I can talk to them. They’re rescue horses so they can use all the soothing voice work that they can get and here’s always all the rest of the chores to help me think and to get my mind off of things at the same time. I like chopping and piling wood or moving hay around for the really heavy thinking. Actually the really heavy feelings that make most of us do something stupid. I’ve found if you can burn or work through those feelings you get a much better view on stuff in your life.

It’s kind of why I’ve turned the old ranch into an organic farm. I’ve got a nice greenhouse that I raise sprouts and micro-greens and it’ll start my plants for the spring. I raise game birds like turkey and pheasant but also chicken for both meat and free range organic eggs, I raise rabbits here for meat too and keep a few goats and a few pigs out by the back barn that are going to be mostly food animals. Ryan’s still here and he might stay until he get’s his next assignment. We’re building a smokehouse and have been slowly cutting and clearing a trail for hiking and the horses here at the back of the property.

I’ve worked a lot over in Asia and I’ve learned a lot of good practical stuff between all the places. I’ve thought about it all morning and I’ve come up with I’ll just have to be myself and try to find my own path with Sam in my life. There’s no point in causing the drama that could be over this. I’m not a drama kind of guy. I don’t think Cass or Samantha are either.

*Sam’s part…

Cass and I shower together and I’m feeling good, better than good and the shower is just what I’ve needed after such a great morning. It’s even better and so loving and sensual as we wash each other, soap each other up and wash each others breasts and hair and kiss and kiss and kiss.

Getting dressed I slip into my deep green Jezebelle lacey stuff and a nice comfortable pair of jeans and an armed forces t-shirt and grab my id’s and my field jacket. I pack an overnight bag and my uniform just in case and then go and help the girls.

Holy…

It almost breaks my heart in a good way as there’s a six foot pile of boxes of baked goods from us to the guys and girls on duty overseas. Bobby and Steve are there carefully loading the boxes into boxes and putting them in my truck. I hug them and kiss them on the cheeks, the Lacey and Jenny.

“Oh wow…Oh wow…Guys…This is huge. Do you know how much this’ll mean to them over there?” I’m wiping away tears, but it doesn’t help when I see not just some of the baked goods but the fact there’s gingerbreads, shortbread cookies, and plain white sugar cookies decorated for Christmas. I cry some more hugging them all and I join in decorating some more for them and Jenny’s having a blast teaching all of us this stuff and we’re having just as much fun too but from the other side of things. The three of us other girls haven’t really done this near enough. It was home economics for Lacey and Cass and me…I haven’t done this since I was…

Since I was mom’s little girl.

The flashback hits sort of hard sort of not and I’m leaning on the counter hugging myself tears running down my face and I’m crying. I zoned out of it for awhile and I kind of blink clear. Cass pulls me to a chair and kneels in front of me and Lacey and Jenny on either side and Cass holds my face. “Are you okay Sam? You were gone there….” The look on her face the concern for me is written all over her face.

“Yeah, I mean yes I’m okay. I’m better than now I guess.”

“Better than? You zoned right out on us hon and you were crying.”

“I had a flashback. With all of this going on I had a flash back of doing this with my mom right here in this kitchen when I was like four or five. Before we moved and all the abuse happened in church.”

“So that’s a good thing then?” Lacey asks rubbing my back.

“Yeah, I was Mom’s special little girl.” I reach up and squeeze Lacey’s hand in mine.

Jenny makes me a coffee and we all get back to work making all the cookies and everything. Cass has me sitting down a few minutes and after a bit of that I go into the living room and put a call into to my doctor/shrink. I leave her with a sort of verbal blurb about what happened and that I’ll e-mail her or PM her with the details later but I’m still sorting out all the details in my head.

I go back into the kitchen and sit down and keep on helping to decorate the cookies. I do up a box of firefighter snoopy dogs and Woodstock smoke jumpers for the guys and girls at dad’s old firehouse and there’s some cookie leftovers so I take a box of them over to Brandon’s place. It takes me awhile to find him but he’s there in his office talking on the phone. He’s talking for a few more minutes and I just take the time to look around his office. He’s got all of his knick-knacks out and he’s got tons of pictures out and in frames and stuff. He’s really been all over the place and I kind of like the way he looks dressed in one of those Chinese tunics with his hair in a tight braid he’s with a bunch of monks in that one. He’s got some really amazing pictures too. There’s one a night from a small boat of what could be Hong Kong?

I get kind of lost in it until I feel him come up behind me and wrap me up in those rock hard arms of his that feel so good. I lean back into him and enjoy the super solid feeling of him there and that smell. Brandon’s smell.

They say scent is a visceral thing and this always does something to me, does something for me. First he has this scent on him of leather, then there’s hints of horse but also of sweet hay and fresh earth. Wood scent like sawdust and sometimes the scent of spruce gum too all blending in with the scent of man. I can even smell hints of Old Spice too it’s all he uses for aftershave and his soap, he has one of those deodorant stones in his bathroom. I know I’ve checked it out.

Brandon’s that guy that uses the cup and brush and a straight razor still to shave. Again me being nosey he’s got a collection of straight razors. I’m not going to go there with that because he collects records and guitars too.

“Hey beautiful what’s up?” he purrs into me. I love the feel of that male vocal vibration against me. He kisses my neck and nuzzles it there’s this just right bit of scratchy scruff there. I sigh and lean back further and kiss him over my shoulder and turn that into slowly turning around. I break the long kiss and lean back letting his grip hold me there like a chair.

“I brought you and Ryan some Cookie leftovers. Me and the girls are going to head out and I’m going to drop these off at Commox to get shipped out to the guys and girls over in Afghanistan.”

“Sounds good, these smell good too.” He takes them from me and gives me another kiss. Then looks at me. “So you have plans when you get back?”

“Well I’m planning on going from Commox to Vancouver with the girls so we can make a Christmas shopping trip out of it. We might even stay the night.”

“Doesn’t Cass have to work tomorrow?”

“Aw, shit and she’s been off for too long as it is.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll come down and pick her up in time for her to get to work. That way you two get to chill and shop together and then after you get back you can come with me this weekend?”

“Sure! What’s going on this weekend?”

“I’m part of this motorcycle rally that for the toys for tots program we start further up the coast and then we drive down the highway collecting donations and toys for kids and then end the ride in Vancouver at hand the stuff over to the charity.”

“I’m definitely in. You guys do a lot of charity rides?”

“Not lately but where there’s more of us around we’re planning on it.”

“Okay, I’m going to head off handsome and fill Cass in on the plan.”

He walks me to my door and gives me this long deep kiss that has me kind of panting and starting to ache for him. He smiles at me making me blush and bite my lip and he kisses me again and again and again damn it that last one his hands slid over my body, cupping my breasts just a little then letting go teasingly and then down to my butt and he used it to lift me off the ground a bit and for just a little while. My leg does that reflexive girl curl thing.

God I love him.

He heads back over to get back to work but not before just watching me and walking backwards for a bit.

I head in and see Cass sipping a coffee on the windowsill. “I take it he liked the cookies?” she asks raising and eyebrow as she takes a sip. I fill her in about him volunteering to come and pick her up and to bring her back in time for work. She gives me this look. “I’m not sure if I should go. I mean it’s mostly going to be you at the base then more driving over to Vancouver.”

I look at her. I’m not sure if she’s just being practical or she really doesn’t feel like going or if there’s something else going on?

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah honey, I’m sure. I spend too much time on the road anyways so I’m just going to tidy up throw on the laundry and get things ready for work tomorrow. You girls go, hit the town, take Jenny out into the wild world and stuff. Go shopping and take your time getting back.”

She even kisses me and helps us get everything packed Bobby and Steve put the cap onto my truck and I kiss them and there’s three dozen cookies each we set aside just for them. Cass walks me to the truck and kisses me a few times up against the door as the girls get in. “You sure you don’t want to come with us?”

Cass shakes her head no. “No I’m good here. You have a good time. She heads back inside the house and I get in the truck and drive out. Lacey looks over to me and asks.

“So what was that all about? What’s going on with you and with Cass?”

I sigh and take the turn that’ll take me out of town and as I cross the Bridge out of town I sigh again and shake my head. “Honestly Lacey, I’m not really sure.”

Bridges 20

Chapter 20.

It’s a messed up drive for the first part of it with me thinking about Cass’s mood if there was something behind it or if she was just having a day or if it’s something that’s going to come up in our relationship. She is the most awesome woman I think that I’ve, no I know that I’ve ever had in my life but still it’s a relationship and I’ve not had the best of track records.

I had said once after the last relationship with the last girl that I had been with that I’d never again go there. But Cass has been a better woman that my ex and all of her friends.

I’m in a bit of a funk and stewing over the whole thing and I do that, not just my usual stuff but that whole girl thing I guess. I really don’t know any girls really that don’t have the whole over analyze everything that goes on in our relationships.

Lacey’s riding shotgun and turns to look at me after I’ve been driving for like twenty minutes. “Okay spill girl.”

I sigh. “I dunno Lace, it’s just I think that there might be something wrong. Cass seemed kind of I don’t know off? She kind of just was all quiet? Like she wasn’t into going on the trip with us.”

She looked at me. “Well y’know she’s going to have times where she’s not want to do stuff you want to do right?”

“Yeah I know.”

“And you’re in a three way relationship, that’s got to be hard on her head.”

“Yeah…I’ve been afraid of that.”

“Don’t. Look Sam, You and her and Brandon said no bullshit. So unless she comes to you with it leave it. Hell she might just not have come for just the reasons that she said.”

Jenny chimes in from the back seat. “An Cass is a lesbian ‘n all, some of those girls don’t like the same things as the rest of us do. Heck she might not want to have come with us because we was goin shoppin. I hear that some of them girls don’t like to shop.”

Lacey shakes her head. “Y’know I can sort of get that we both got the same parts sex with girl on girl thing but not liking to go shopping? That’s just freaky, that’s almost sick.”

I can’t help but to smile. That’s so Lacey, She might have come home but she brought a lot of New York with her. Jenny nodding along to Lacey’s sage like wisdom just made it oddly better.

We stop at Tim Horton’s and get our coffees for the drive and take a pee before we have to drive too far. I can’t help but wonder if my hormones affected my bladder size because I swear I go to the bathroom way more than I used to before transition.

Lacey takes the chance to nicotine herself up and Jenny and I get a really big box of Timbits. There’s just something about finger foods and being a girl that just fits. There’s a couple of guys checking us out and I whisper to Jenny. “Hey three hot guys at ten o’clock.”

It’s Jenny so she looks at her watch.

“No over there on our left.”

I whisper it and we both end up sneaking peeks and giggling a bit as they notice us noticing and they do that guy thing where they’re vainly trying to look cool or to straighten themselves up to look more…whatever. They’re kind cute in that paving crew, construction worker kind of way.

“Jen, here open up and eat it slowly out of my fingers.”

I take out a cherry filled Timbit and feed it to her sexy slow and her eyes widen but they sparkle too. I move it just a little back and forth getting some powdered sugar and cherry filling on her lips and she licks them off. Then my fingers and takes one from the box herself and feeds me one too. I make it really slow and seductive.

They’re really staring at us now, you can almost see their heads turning to follow the Timbits from me to Jenny and then we stop and smile and wave at the guys and run out laughing and giggling and Lacey’s got a smile on her face as she walks up to me hugs both of us then she kisses me and slides her hand over Jenny’s butt and squeezes. She’s a good kisser, not Cass but still a good kisser. Lacey breaks the kiss with me and wave through the window at the three guys who are looking like someone smacked them with a fish.

We pile into the truck and I gun it at the turn out of the parking lot, squealing my tires just like being back in high school all over again. We crack up laughing and howling and just being girls even if the only one young enough to still have that apply to her is Jenny.

But this; this is what I’d been missing out on growing up like I did. I never really did the whole hanging out thing that much and this, this feels good. It feels like I’m catching up on who I really am.

We laugh until out sides are hurting and the Lacey pulls out her phone and shows us the recording of me and Jenny doing that all over again but she’s panning back between us and the reactions of the guys too. It sets us all off on another fit of laughs and giggles and an hour of the three of us talking about all the cute guy merits of each one of them. I point out from my own experience when the guys are doing a crotch check because things are starting to bind on them, which just causes more laughter.

The next thing I know Lacey has a mixed CD in the stereo and we’re listening to cruising songs as we drive headed to Vancouver.

(*in the following are snippets of the songs they're singing along to.)

* “Life is a Highway! I would ride it all night long!”
“If you’re going my way! I would drive it all night long!”

* “Hey now! You’re an All-Star, get your game, go play!”
“Hey now! You’re a Rock-Star, get the show on, get paid!”
“And all that glitters is gold…”
“Only shooting stars break the mold…”

* “It’s been one week since you looked at me!”
“Cocked your head to the side and said I’m angry!”
“Five days since you laughed at me, saying get that together, come back and see me.”
“Three days since the living room.”
“I realized it’s all my fault but couldn’t tell you.”
“Yesterday you’d forgiven me, it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry.’

* “Well shake it up baby now…!”
“Twist and Shout!”

* “’Cause I’m TNT, I’m dynamite!”
“And I’ll win the fight!”
“TNT!”

* “Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap!”

And the songs and the singing at the tops of our lungs keeps going stopping once more for gas and a pee just before we head into to Vancouver Island and on our way to CFB Comox.

The girls are appropriately awed the closer we get to the base. Comox is a pretty big place and is pretty much the big cheese on this coast. Canadian Armed Forces…we do it all. Comox has got Navy and Air force as well as Reg-forces and everything else including trainees and is also a busy airport. But there’s several segmented and sectioned off areas that are strictly for CAF use only.

The guards check us out at the gate and I show my ID and the girl on duty checks the computer and the hard-sheets and smiles at me. “Welcome back lieutenant, ill get you to pull over there so we can take a look at your cargo and get some visitor passes for you friends and then get you on your way.”

We pulled over to the main security building and checked in with the corporal there and he took us inside and got us set up with the office crowd as he and a customs guy went over our baked goods and we had our ID’s checked and I got a couple of looks and she went and got her Captain. It was Lolly Tate.

Lolly, yup His parents were a little off when they named him that but hey I was named Samaritan so who am I to judge. He talks to the girl and she looks at him. I hear the whispered “Really?” He said something and nods then comes over and Hugs me.

I wasn’t expecting the hug. I’m glad for it though. He pulls back and stares at me taking me all in. “Well Samaritan Chase aren’t you the vision of lovely now. Or is it Samantha now?”

“No It’s still Samaritan, I never really wanted to change that. It’s unique and it helps me feel closer to my folks and everything. But People still mostly call me Sam.”

“Sam it is then, but Samantha suits you very nicely.”

He gives me this exaggerated eye waggle that sets me off laughing. I pull Lolly’s hand and haul him over to meet Lacey and Jenny.

“Girls this is Captain Lolly Tate. Lolly, this is Jenny who’s my housemate and the little sister I never had and this is Lacey my best friend and high-school ex.”

He hugged them and shook hands with both of them before saying. “Our Sam’s something else ain’t she. I really should’ve known she was an Angel when she showed up in that creek over in there. I took an AK round to the leg and as big as I am she patches my up so I don’t bleed to death and hauled my butt to the trucks.”

“I was just doing my job Lolly.” I’m starting to blush.

“Yeah and you took a round to your vest plate getting me out of there. Lookit Sammy there’d be a bunch of guys dead if you weren’t there out in the field and we all remember you for it.”

“Lolly……” I almost whine turning red but Lacey has this…oh…this got real look on her face and Jenny and some of these kids in the office are staring at me like…It’s a total change around from when I first came in.

We make some small talk as we get our papers and he goes with us over to Logistics and shipping which are these really huge warehouses a huge amount of gear and supplies goes through here. The relief supplies for the tsunami that hit Thailand and Sri Lanka and other places comes through here, anything you send to Afghanistan comes through here.

We get introductions to the crews handling care packages going over there by Lolly and soon we’re getting names and wrapping the bakery boxes up for the guys and girls over there first in x-mas paper then in regulation brown shipping paper so they’ll get surprised when they open it and see the x-mas paper inside.

We’re eating extra cookies as we wrap and Jenny started singing x-mas songs with that lilting southern accent and honestly it caught on. There were lots of pictures taken and She’s a good ol girl in the best way and getting to have her picture taken with our troops was such a huge thrill to her.

She even sang the sweetest version of Oh Canada I’ve ever heard in a long, long time. I’m not the only one to get choked up over it. By and large we Canadians don’t generally go overboard on national pride that you can see. But just scratch the surface…it’s red and white under there. Especially with armed forces personnel. There’s clapping at her from some of us.

I’m cleaning up when a jeep pulls up and two MP’s get out. They come over to me. “Lt. Chase?”

“Yes? How can I help you Sergeant ?”

“The Commander and Colonel Masterson would like to see you Ma’am.”

I blink at the Ma’am, I’m so not used to that. I nod. “More than happy to gentlemen. Lacey, Jenny I’ll be back are you two going to be okay?”

Lacey waves me off. “Go on, we’ll be fine we’ve got lots here still to keep us busy.” she winked and head gestured to some of the cuter guys that we’ve been working with. I roll my eyes and head over to the jeep. The Corporal moves from sitting in the shotgun seat and sit’s in the back. “Ma’am.” He nods to me.

We drive to command and they even open the door for me. Then it’s down the hall and up the stairs to the 4th floor. You take the stairs, it’s considered good form to take the stairs instead of the elevator. Down the hall to reception. I look at the operations officers. “Lt. Chase. I was told to come here for the Commander and Colonel Masterson.”

He looks at me then at his various charts. “Ah Yes just wait here and I’ll let the Colonel know you’re here.” I take a seat in one of the nearby chairs. I’m sort of nervous. The Commander could want to see me for about a thousand reasons. Colonel Masterson is the head medical officer for this section of the country in essence he’s my boss. There’s likely some one over him but I generally get my orders from him.

Oh-boy, he actually comes out to see me. “Sam, come with me please.” Yeah he can call me by my first name. It comes with spending time with a man up to your wrists in some poor Arab kids guts. We served together in my first tour over in Golan Heights peacekeeping there. I get up and follow him to his office. He looks me over. “It seems that you’ve turned out to be quite a striking young lady.” I blush a bit.

“Thank You Colonel.”

“Well I’ve some good news and some just news.”

“I’ll take the just news first sir.”

“Alright, We need you back Chase. We’re running low on good medical personnel. Now we’re not requesting you for field duty but I need you here part time teaching.”

“Teaching?”

“Yes teaching, now there’s some stuff you need to brush up on and I want you to take two twelve hour shifts at St. Luke’s in your hometown to get up to speed and to start training to become a nurse practitioner. You think you’re up for something that big?”

“I’m not sure sir, I’m still in treatment for my PTSD issues.”

“I know and I’m sending you to a CAF certified local doctor so things will be easier for you getting therapy.”

“That’d be great sir. Can I think about it?”

“Oh course, now how about the good news.”

“I can always use some good news sir.”

He passes me an envelope. I look at him and he nods and I take the papers out. I start reading…. “Are you sure, I mean has she discussed this with you sir?”

He looks at me. “More than past the allotted time, I’m confident in her decision.”

I look back to the papers….. I just got the nod, the big nod. My shrink just said I was more than ready and emotionally stable enough…To get my final surgery. I’m crying it’s such a weight leaving It’s getting to me, It felt like a way holding my breath for a long, long time.

“There’s more.” He says smiling at me.

“M...More?”

“Yes, we’ve had this opening Sam, we can fit you in for SRS as soon as next week.”

“N..next week? For SRS?”

“Yeah, there was another patient in the services we were doing this for ahead of you and her spot became open.”

“Open?”

“Yes, apparently her surgery wasn’t coming in time and she lost her fight with depression and she filed her final discharge papers with a .45.”

“Oh….” I look down, tears there my own relief mixed with if it wasn’t for Brandon…

He sets his hand on my shoulder. “Look Sam, take this. If this helps in anyway to keep you from doing what Nicole did then it’s worth it.”

“Okay…where do I sign.”

“I’ve got the papers right here.”

Bridges 21

Chapter 21

*Sam……….

It’s really yet to hit me. I’m staring at the papers in my hand and I’m walking and the only reason I’m not walking into people or things is the fact I’m really familiar with the base. I’m carrying the folder they gave me and…reading it my box with medals under my arm it's why the commander wanted to see me. There's going to be a ceremony once I'm "back" but that was about it. But it's nothing compared to these, this, my papers and I’m still reading the letter over and over again.

It’s happening…it’s really happening!

I have to stop.
Catch my breath.

I take out my phone and I call Brandon. It rings a few times then there’s the click on his line after five rings in the house he’s got it that it’ll ring out to the barn. About the fourth ring out there he picks up.

“Hey Sam, how’s were things at the base?”

“I’m still here. Uhm, things went good with the delivery but there were some appointments for me with the Colonel, he’s like my boss and …..”

“Sam…is everything all right?”

“Oh…yeah uhm really good, better than ever actually…. I’m being asked to take some upgrading and stuff in town and they want me as a nurse practioner before they can have me come back to work part time as an instructor.”

“Sounds, great Sam, congratulations honey.”

Honey…I smile at that. It’s nice. I’m still getting used to that and it’s like it means more than it used to before. It means a whole lot coming from Brandon.

“There’s more good news.”

“More? You’re on a roll. It must be good all that good karma that you’ve been storing up.”

“Uhm yeah more. They cleared me for SRS and there was a spot that opened up for me sometime next week.”

“Whoa…that fast?”

“Yeah, there was an unscheduled opening in the surgery schedule and it was take advantage of them having everything scheduled or have to wait. I don’t want to wait Brandon; I’ve waited too long for this.”

“I don’t blame you hon. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, no. I’ll be coming home with the girls and getting things ready and pack my things for my hospital stay.”

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get back then?”

“Okay, I just wanted to call you and to tell you the good news and everything. I’m going to try and get a hold of Cass next.”

“Okay Sam, Love you.”

“I love you too.”

I’m all kid of girling out over that little conversation. I know it’s just something small but it’s our first I Love You over the phone. Something that not too long ago I never thought was really in the cards for me.

I’m really glad that that’s not the case.

I’m smiling even as I call Cass.

It rings a few times then it gets picked up.

“Hey Sam, how’s the trip so far?” She’s sounding better at least.

“Great, better than great actually. I kind of missed some of this actually. Well I guess its part of why I’m calling, my news and stuff.”

“You’re excited.” I can hear her smiling in her voice and that gives me this warm feeling like wanting to hug her. It’s a good feeling and I actually end up sort of hugging myself and cradling the phone.

“Yeah, it’s good news, actually a bunch of good news.”

“Well, it’s just been one of those days so a bit of good news is a welcome change.”

“Bad day?”

“No…just bored, and a mix of that and just some light people being idiots because it’s getting close to X-mas kind of stuff. I was just in an argument with myself about doing up paperwork at the office or not. Never mind that what’s your news?”

“I got the nod.”

“The what?”

“My doctor gave me the go ahead and signed off on my surgery. I’m getting it done!”

“Wow…oh…wow…! Uhm did they give you the date for your surgery?”

“Next week, they’re going to give me a spot that opened up.”

“That’s…that’s fast.”

“Yeah it happened really out of the blue and everything but where they had everything set and scheduled for the surgery it was either go ahead and take this spot or let it go and get put into the rotation and some of the staff are civilian medical people and with the holidays it’s shove everyone’s availability back so I said yes.”

“That’s great beautiful are you staying down there or are you coming home?”

“I’m coming home, I’ve got stuff to get ready and get my stuff for my hospital stay and everything but with any luck I’ll be home where I can recover.”

“That sounds really great Sam, I’ll see about taking some leave maybe and take care of you.”

“I won’t be that bad, but I’ll love having you there. It’ll make Christmas a lot better.”

“Thanks Sam, so what’s the other stuff about you going back to work?”

“Oh they really want me back and need me here on base one week out of the month to be one of the nursing instructors but they want me to get my upgrading don’t over at St. Luke’s before I do that so I’m a NP when I go in to be a trainer.”

“NP? That’s a new one for me Sam.”

“Nurse Practioner, it means that I get to do a whole lot more things. It’ll let me be able to make judgment calls and write scripts and stuff when the doctor’s busy or not there.”

“Pay increase?”

“Oh yeah, it moves me into the lower end of specialist.”

“That’s good?”

“Yeah like another two hundred every two weeks after taxes give or take. Plus I’ll be back to work, work officially on the books and stuff so I’ll be off of drawing medical pay and back to drawing my regular pay.”

“You sound relieved by that, I thought you were good for money?”

“I’m okay, but it’s still a relief, Dad’s funeral and the house and the back taxes and other stuff and just living day to day wasn’t something that I was used to, not after the forces.”

“You could have told me.”

“Cass, you just moved in. I didn’t really want to get into the money stuff until later.”

She sighs over the phone. “Alright, I can get that money is a one of those big deal things in a relationship and I get that you wanted to make sure we were going in the right direction with us before we started getting into the heavy stuff.”

I smile and kind of do that happy pacing thing, the little dancey turn on one foot while still hugging myself and the phone. “Hey Cass?” I say in my warm, soft I love you voice.

“Hmmn?” she say’s back in that honeysuckle, I wish I could snuggle up tone.

“We’re talking about it now.”

“Yeah we are aren’t we.”

“Yeah…”

“I love you Sam Chase, I’ll see you when you get home?”

“I hope so.”

“Kisses soldier girl.”

I hear her siren kick on before she hangs up on me. I can’t help but to hug the phone and just stand there in the sunshine and let it just sink into me. It’s Brandon and Cass warming me up inside more than the sun.

I have never felt this good inside of myself in my life.

I head back to the warehouse where I left the girls and can’t help but smile at the bunch of guys that are talking and flirting with Jenny. She’s a looker that’s for sure, early twenties and a DD bust line that she’s showing off but not showing off with the simple relaxed way that she’s dressed…many a lad has blessed the invention of the sweater.

But with Jenny it’s more than her looks it’s that honest friendly country girl thing and the fact that she’s just over the moon at being here on a real army base. She one of those rare people that’s not ashamed to love our military, she see’s them…us as heroes and it’s nice to get that.

None of us in the service sign up for that, we don’t need that but when it happens it makes it worth it, it makes you stand just a little taller and straighter. It makes it easier to deal with the stuff in your head sometimes.

I go it and hug the girls and tell them the news. Okay finally I’m able to have the whole girl’s together freak out squee moments that usually go with stuff like winning the lotto, a big promotion or getting engaged. I guess finally getting SRS qualifies as a Squee moment now.

I think that we amused the guys watching us and confused the few girls who probably wanted in on the fun but I’m not sure if me revealing my status would go over that well.

Still hyped up and excited by all the good news we get our things and say a few more goodbyes and head off downtown to get set up at out hotel rooms at the Best Western it’s hard actually to get rooms anywhere in the city even this early because of the Olympics. It’s a mixture of tourists but there’s a whole lot of workers living here in hotels and motels. Still the Best’s are pretty good motels really actually more of a hotel but that doesn’t matter we’re just going to sleep here.

We take the truck and head out to various places I really can’t name them all but I liked being downtown shopping in the little shops and looking for things to get the people I love for Christmas this year.

Brandon’s easier than I though to shop for. I found a great old bookstore in Davie Village that had some of these great old biographies and auto biographies on rock bands and there were some books filled with sheet music too. I just hope he can read music. I get Jenny art supplies while I’m there and some used art textbooks too. I can’t help myself either but to pick up a few things as well.

Uhm I’m not really a prude or I never really thought that I was but wow, there are some sex gadgets out there that look like they just might be more appropriate to uhm…NASA? But there are a few things that I can see myself needing in the future and there’s a few things that I want to try when I get home before I leave for my surgery.

Lacey is all very been there played with that in the place and Jenny is staring wide eyed like the country girl she is at all the stuff and the fact that both me and lacey have made out own discreet purchases we end up talking her into getting her self a slender but very nice alternate dating appliance and I was surprised at her buying some books there too about human sexuality and even some Lilith fair CD’s.

She was so getting chatted up and hit on by this spiky haired cute little smart sexy lesbian that was behind the counter of the alternative lifestyle store we where in. Jenny has the looks and that farm fresh innocence that just drives some people wild. Me…I got a few looks and a few stares told me I was “read” but it wasn’t a big deal, only two when we were on the street gave me this dirty look like I was offending their lesbian sensibilities.

I’m not sure if that would have bugged me even if I hadn’t gotten the good news about my surgery. I guess it’s the good thing about the ex. I had gotten a good look at their side of things and there’s just some of them out there that just won’t like me because I wasn’t born female, and to them I’ll never match their ideal as a woman.

I actually smile at them. It’s just looking at both of them and realizing that these two couldn’t come close to Cass on their best days.

Lacey of course having lived here in Vancouver and in New York and a bunch of other places is a consummate shopper and she’s dragging me around to all these high end Shoppe’s and boutiques and not just satisfied there we have to end up going to The Sinclair Center and to the Pacific Center Malls where she went through a lot more high end places to shop.

Okay I’m not saying that it wasn’t fun, I mean with Jenny just all wide eyed country girl at all the stuff and me all wide eyed at some of the prices. Two hundred dollars for some kind of designer jeans? Please there are some people just waiting to get ripped off. What went wrong with GWG or Levis? I guess my tastes aren’t that fancy.

But it was fun to try stuff on and to see ourselves in different looks.

And there were a few nice things that I did splurge on. I put a large dent in my Visa card in Victoria’s Secret I know cliché but some of their slinky wear is just drool worthy and I can’t wait to see Cass in some of the things that I got her.

In the end we spent seven hours shopping…seven hours, that’s mostly Lacey…in fact that’s mostly a full working shift for a lot on people. We’ve a full truck and a full double room back at the Best Western and as tired as I am we decide to get all dolled up and go out on the town.

Lacey does hair and helps with my make up and I dress to the nines in one of the few new outfits I bought. Red three inch heels, black stockings, my new Vicky’S’s red lacy push up demi bra with a matching lacy trim hip hugger panties. The a short sexy red dress…I’ll say this, little black dresses are great but when you’re blonde red works really well too.

I get pictures taken before the dress, and after the dress doing different poses and looks for both Brandon and Cass, some with some of my new toy purchases as seductive props…those are mostly for Cass.

A Red Bull mixed in with the picture taking and e-mailing them to Cass and Brandon has me charged up enough to go out with the girls to hit the nightclubs and go dancing. We get a cab and hit The Cellar, Roxy, The Tonic all pretty fun pretty hot places and I end up dancing with quite a few people both guys and girls and If I got made no one said anything.

We end up just a bit buzzed at this really big Sushi place called Tojo’s and we belly up to the bar. Lacey knows Tojo himself who is this funny little Japanese guy who is like a really funny and a little drunk Mr. Miagi. We do shots with him between our courses of Omakase which is where you let the chef surprise you with what he can make. I like sushi and it’s a reason I like being home. You can get perfectly good sushi in places all over but to me, unless you’re in Japan, the West Coast is where you get great sushi.

Tojo’s is great sushi, and Jenny is priceless doing shots and eating of course we’re drinking with Tojo so we’re toasting yelling “Kampai!” and Jenny stuffs and bit of toro down and leans over to me sort of yelling. “Y’know I though this sushi stuff was all bait an all but I like this Kampai stuff.” It’s Jenny so you just gotta laugh because she’s awesome. I almost pee myself when we stagger out to our cab and Lacey goes “Look dead bird.” Of course it’s Jenny and she looks up. “Where?” Lacey and I crack up while getting into the cab.

It’s close to three AM when we finally crash in our hotel rooms.

***

I wake up with dry mouth and a bit of a hangover and I’m up before the other two. I’m more used to the hard getting up after partying neither of them partied then had to get up for a duty shift.

Two aspirin, and my meds and I grab a bottle of water and head down to the lobby and the bar/restaurant and get a smoothie then head to the gym and I run the hangover out. You can do it. Sometimes you’ll get sick, or some will get sick but that’s you’re body reacting to the hell you put it through boozing it up.

It hit’s me too but I’m on the treadmill and I increase the speed and incline and I run through it, sweat the last of it out and get my blood pumping. I get my endorphin rush and once that hits everything settles, I’m still in a good mood and there’s a decent rock station playing over the speakers of the gym and I run through the songs. “I’m walking on sunshine, Hip to be square, Oh Sherry, and Everybody wants to rule the world.” I love that song.

I gazed longingly at the pool and I’m love to have just to have been able to just dive in there and not worry about my suit and stuff. Still I can’t help but to smile and Where this might have gotten to me before I’m getting my surgery…I’m going to really get to be me and just knowing it changes everything.

I get back to our rooms and I hit the shower as the other two are barely moving. I actually have to dodge Jenny as she makes a rush to the throne and actually cries/moans “Kampai…” into the toilet. I sigh and stay and hold her hair and take care of my girl. It’s flush time a few times as there’s the reek of saki and beer mixed with digested fish and just the hints of bile and wasabi.

It’s pretty much me and Lacey loading our stuff in the truck. Lacey’s handling her hangover in her usual way. Having walked down to the lobby and got herself a pot of coffee and sat outside in her sweatpants and her bra and sunglasses as she killed the entire pot and chain-smoked and had a joint by the smells drifting through. I’m not a fan of drugs but I won’t like freak out on people about it either unless you’re dealing to kids or you’re really stupid. But I’m not going to bust Lacey’s chops over a bit of pot.

It takes us until about one in the afternoon to get back on the road and headed for home. It snows off and on and we’re taking out time. Jenny needs her bathroom breaks and Lacey her coffee and I’m happy with some doughnuts, I’m still and always will be a Tim Horton’s girl. I get myself an extra large black and two Boston Cream doughnuts just outside the city and that tides me over until I get into town at about twenty after five. I pull into Mao’s Golden Palace and text Brandon and Cass not to get anything for supper that I’m getting Chinese.

I like Mao’s for two things, one is this Szechuan spiced BBQ chicken and the second they do Dim Sum, and Dim Sum is one of those things I like and Brandon should giving the time he spent in the orient.

I get supper enough for everyone and then some. We’re unloading stuff into the house and Cass is home and dressed in her baggy sweats and one of these huge shirts that are old ones of her dad’s. No make up, hair just a bit messy and she’s still stunning.

But she’s still quiet, she’s still kind distracted as we unload things. I’m getting more and more nerved up as we get settled in and set up for supper.

She’s setting the table when I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her. “Hey, what’s wrong honey, you’ve kind of been off somewhere tonight?”

“I’ve got a lot on my mind.” She rubs her hands over mine. I swear there’s a shiver there.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Kinda have to.” Yeah, there it is again, the shiver. Is she regretting this? Is she freaked out by me finally getting fixed?

“Cass…” My voice is raw, full of fear…

“I…I…haven’t been feeling myself lately and I took the afternoon off. I went to see my Doctor…”

Oh god…please…

“It’s alright honey, whatever they said Cass, we’ll get through this together…”

“Good…I hope so…”

“What’s wrong, Tell me you’ve got me pretty scared.”

“Well that makes….three of us.”

“Three, you told Brandon already?”

“No…Three.”

Then she moves my hands that were wrapped around her and runs them up and down her abdomen.

“Three…oh….oh…Cass?”

“I’m Pregnant Sam, I’m Pregnant.”

“……………………”

Bridges 22

Chapter 22

I’m still holding Cass there in the dining room. My arms around her and my hands still on her belly and her hands over mine. I know that I froze for a minute but things kind of start back up as my mind started to process everything.

“Sam…”

She sounds scared. “Yeah.”

“Say something.”

It’s not even something I had to think about. I tighten my grip around her until I’m hugging her tightly and pressed into her back. I move my hands over her belly rubbing where our baby is growing. Cass shivers a bit in my grip and there’s a sniffle coming out of her and I bury my face into her neck and her hair and nuzzle her ear.

“I Love You.”

Cass let’s out this sort of happy sob and she reaches up and pulls on my arms already around her like she’s trying to wrap herself up in me. “I thought…I thought…Y..y..want to transition to be the woman y..yy..you were supposed to be…I was thinking that y..yy..you might not want to have k..kk..kids.”

“I’ve thought about that a lot. It was always in my head that I’d never have children, that I’d never get to be a mother. I never thought that I’d fall in love with another woman either.”

“Did..dd..you want children.?”

“Yes, I think I always did, back then my time as a little girl is still foggy. I mean I had a doll I guess but…I do know one thing.”

“What?” (Sniffle)

“I want our baby.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. I love you why wouldn’t I want to have a child with you?”

Cass turns around in my grip and faces me she’s crying but she’s likely been crying on and off for most of the day and she’s still just simply beautiful. “I love you Sam Chase.”

“I love you too Cassy Cavanaugh.”

We kiss each other and it’s just that, just us there in the dining room kissing each other softly and gently over and over. It’s just one of those watershed moments in your life you never forget. Finding out that I’m going to be a parent, a mother after my surgery…feeling it really sinking in just how much I love her, just how much in love with Cass I am.

And my life just seems to not gotten more complicated but this happening that’s not the case, if anything it’s like my life’s coming into focus. Which actually makes part of me smile and kiss her some more a little more passionately and like the sun’s coming out I can see her start to smile and I can feel the stress washing out of her as I hold her.

There’s a knock at the door way to the dining room well sort of, it’s kind of an archway as the dining room is like this alcove. Lacey’s grinning at us. “So are the Mommies going to let us eat before the take out gets cold?”

I smile back. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” I turn and smile and kiss Cass. “All better?”

She smiles and returns the kiss. “Mmm-hmm, better than better.”

…………………..We all gather together once all the foods taken out of the bags and we don’t even bother to eat in the dining room. It’s almost becoming a tradition for us all to just put all the stuff on the big coffee table in the living room and we pack the place. Steve and Bobby, Jenny, Ryan, Brandon, Lacey and Cass and I make eight of us and it feels so good to have my house, my parent’s house so full of life and talking and laughter.

We tell everyone the good news right off the bat as if they hadn’t already known well except Brandon and Ryan, Lacey and Jenny both blabbed to Bobby and Steve. Ryan just stuffs his face and said. “Right on Sammy, I guess your swimmers might just be little mermaids with all the girl hormones running through your system.” He gave me a thumbs up and shoveled some how using chopsticks a huge mouthful of chow-mien into his face. It almost came out when Brandon slapped him in back of the head.

Brandon….

He slipped up from the floor onto the couch and he hugged the both of us. “Congratulations you two.” I got a big lump in my throat when he did that and Cass is looking at him. “You’re not mad?”

“No, why would I be mad?... Cass, Sam I love both of you. I think the both of you will be great moms and I think you two both deserve this. It’s a special chance, so we should treat this like one.”

“But what if this changes things between you and Sam?”

“Things are always changing Cass, If Sam and you don’t want things to go no like that have been it’s okay it’s not going to change the way that I feel about both of you.”

I hug Cass a little tighter, it’s a scary thing to say but I say it anyway. “I don’t want you out of my life Brandon, I want things as is…I…I know it’s selfish but I..I ..need you too.”

She leans herself into my breasts and leans her head up and kisses my jaw and cheek. “If its okay with Brandon It’s okay with me honey. I knew that this is the deal when we all got together. We talked about this.”

I kiss the top of her forehead. “But we’re having a baby Cass its different now.”

She get’s up and sits beside Brandon a second and pushes him over the cushions into me so we’re squished side by side making the others laugh. Then she sit’s on my lap and puts her feet over his legs. “See? We work. As is….besides.”

“Besides?” Brandon and I both say it at the same time.

“Sam’s the father and she’ll be listed on the birth certificate as that but…she’s going to be the baby’s mother just like me. I want you to be the Dad Brandon.”

The room went quiet a bit and he’s looking between the both of us. “Sure…I mean I’ll always be in the baby’s life, that’s a guarantee girls.”

“No, I want you to adopt our child Brandon, but I want you to be more than the godfather because you are and not an uncle but their dad full tilt. You think you can handle that?”

I can’t help but to bite my lower lip because that’d be perfect.

He looks at the pair of us again and nods with that bit of a smile of his “Yes, as different as this is I can’t help it I want this…I want to be a father…” he kisses me and the after me he looks at Cass and she kisses him back. It’s even on the mouth and it’s deep and meaningful. I know she’s not sexually attracted to him but there’s love there still.

That actually made the night for me with all of us talking about family and kids and what we were going to do legally to make this work and having a really good time. Lacey snuggling close to Steve, Jenny with Bobby, and eating take out and feeding each other in a three way kind of thing and Ryan digs out one of the guitars and starts to play Christmas songs after we turn down the house light and just sit in the light of our decorations.

It’s a really great night…probably one of the best in my life. I’ve had a lot of those recently.

I look around at the house, and the smells and the decorations and our tree…yeah our tree and there’s this huge fuzzy warm feeling inside as I’m holding Cass and the others are singing and I’ve got my chin on her shoulder our heads together as we listen.

Ryan’s got this kind of Steve Earle thing going, and the boys Bobby and Steve aren’t bad but Brandon actually has the best voice out of the guys but the again I’m biased right. He’s got this light almost Bryan Adams sound.

Cass and I cuddle close and I whisper in her ear. “He’ll make a good Dad won’t he?” as Brandon starts singing.

“Do you hear what I hear?”
“Said the night wind to the little lamb.”
“Do you see what I see?”
“Way up in the sky little lamb…”
“Do you see what I see?”
“A star, a star, dancing in the night.”
“With a tail as big as a kite.”
“With a tail as big as a kite.”

“Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy.”
“Do you hear what I hear?”
“Ringing through the night shepherd boy…”
“Do you hear what I hear?”
“A song, a song, high above the trees…”
“With a voice as big as the seas…”
“With a voice as big as the seas…”

Brandon’s still singing the rest of the song and there’s something just so peaceful and strong and serene about him and I’ve seen him fight and seen how tough he is and then known what kind of guy he is and lover but this, this is just one more side of him that’s new to me and him singing that with Ryan on guitar and Bobby and Steve chiming in on the “do you” lines repeating them just after he sings the just raises the hairs on me in a good way.

Cass has this smile like I’ve never seen and her eyes are shining and there’s tears running down her face but they’re good and happy tears. He finishes and they look through another book of Christmas carols and Cass turns and kisses me deeply and runs her fingers through my hair. “I’ll be back in a bit honey…I...I need to call Mum and Dad.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

She nods wiping at her eyes with her palm. “Yeah, I just have too, I need to talk to them and let them know what’s going on in my life.”

“Including me?”

“Actually they’ve known about you for awhile now.”

“Oh?”

“It was Dad that talked me into getting up the nerve to go down and see you the first time.”

“I’ll have to thank him.”

“Okay, March?”

“March?”

“Yeah, we can go up to visit for a week maybe in March?”

“Okay, that sounds good to me.”

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, Love you. Say hi to them for me okay?”

“Okay….” She does the cute sexy bite her lower lip bashful thing when she says that and she heads upstairs.

I get up and slip into the kitchen and grab my dad’s heavy plaid quilted jacket and his firemen’s boots and head outside. Both are huge on me but there’s a little snow on the ground and some coming down and I head over to the side field where my folks are buried and stand there in front of the grave and smile.

Some one had put up a wreath there and some decorative pine boughs and some plastic poinsettias there. I wrap the jacket around me a bit more and shove my hands into the pockets.

“Hey Mum, Hey Daddy…I just wanted you to know things…things are going good. I’m not alone anymore and the nightmares I think are starting to fade away a bit more. I’m in love…It’s actually with two people. (Sniffle) God I wish you could meet them. I know you’d love both of them. (Sniffle) Cass, the girl I’m in love with…(Weak laugh)…I know surprise! I guess I’m bisexual…she’s great, she better than great actually. She’s pregnant…(Sniffle)…I’m going to be a Mum too…(Sniffle)…You’re going to be Grandparents…(Little sob) I miss you guys so much…”

I’m crying just happy but mourning them too I guess when I feel Brandon’s arms wrap around me and he settles against me and puts my big Tim Horton’s travel mug in my hands full of hot chocolate. I take a sip and it eases that emotional lump in my throat. He gestures with his hand to the headstone.

“I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, no it’s sweet, it’s something you’d do.”

“Sam.”

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you right?” Oh…is this a day for this stuff or what? I’m kind of nervous now.

“Yes….”

He turns me to face him and he kisses me really long and deeply and passionately. It’s that good I do the whole girly lift my leg thing…my dad’s boot’s too big so of course it falls off. Brandon smiles at that as he puts his forehead to mine. I’m getting a bit of a treat because it’s one of his real smiles, not his usual smirk or half smile. I’m getting lost in those hazel forest eyes of his as he’s staring into mine.

“Marry her.”

“Huh…?”

“Marry her Sam, I love you, I really do love you but Cass loves you so much I don’t just see it but I can feel it every time she looks at you.”

“But…But…”

“Yeah, you’ve got a nice butt. I keep telling you that.”

“Brandon!”

“Marry Her Sam, Marry her you both deserve it and honestly…”

“Honestly what…?”

“Cass doesn’t think she deserves the real thing, the happily ever after, that for other people not for her.”

“How do you know?”

“I know the look Sam…the baby, tonight, it’s all good stuff and she loves it, she loves us but she needs you Sam, She needs you more than she’ll ever admit….but she’s willing to settle for good enough.”

“But us…you and me…”

“We’ll still be us, the three of us will still be us. I’m not going anywhere Sam. This is home now. But Cass, all Cass has right now is the baby and our promises…promises that she’s not sure are going to work out. I know you’re head over heels in love with her Sam, she moved in, you wanted her to move in.”

“Y..Yeah…”

“Give her the dream Sam, make it real.”

“Are you sure? (Sniffle)”

“I Love You Both, of course I’m sure.”

He steps up again and kisses me again all perfect and passionately…my heart is aching in a good way, in a great way but it still feels like it’s breaking at the same time. He breaks the kiss and then kneels down and slips dad’s boot back on my foot and them smiles at me when he stands up and heads back into the house.

“Okay…….(Sniffle)…..Brandon?”

“Yeah.” He stops just on the edge of getting to my yard.

“I Love You Too.” (Little sob.)

He smiles and walks into the light of my houses back porch and he doesn’t say it his eyes and that smile say it….

~I Know.~

Bridges-23

Chapter 23

…………………. Sigh….oh Brandon…..I’m crying but not bawling at what just happened and what he said and just everything that just happened. I pull my jacket around myself some more and hug my travel mug more and leave just going for a walk out and over my clearings and stuff. I kind of do have a nice place property wise. I haven’t walked it since I was a young teenager.

I don’t get too far just to the edge of my woodlot and walk along it until I’m lined up with the house. Tears and winter’s not a great mix even though I’m rubbing the tears away from my face it’s still wetness and even if it’s not that cold compared to a lot of other places in Canada I’m still good and chilly when I get back into the house about forty minutes later.

There is this feeling though coming inside. It’s warm and there smells coming off of the kitchen from Jenny baking what smells like a pie and the lights are down low so just the Christmas lights are shining and the…and my family (Smiles for that thought.) are in the living room still doing Christmassy things.

I hear the sounds of A Charlie Brown Christmas playing on the TV. I get out of my jacket and Dad’s boots and slip into the hall and take a peek inside at them on the floor and the couch and just watching the show like we’d have done if we were kids.

I can’t help but to smile at the whole scene.

My life’s gotten so different than it was before.

I slip upstairs and hear Cass talking on the phone in our room.

Our room.

I look in and sort of lean on the door frame and hug myself but in that kinda good way. Y’know holding onto myself to make sure this is real, that it’s not all a dream.

Cass is in one of my armed forces t-shirts and pajama bottoms with the drawstrings hanging out the front and I can see the top part of her panties peeking out cutely front and back. She’s wearing her Chilly-Willy panties (Little old era cartoon penguin.) and they look so cute on her. But she looks more that cute she looks beautiful…

She’s talking and while she’s talking she’s got the bottom of my t-shirt pushed up and she’s absently running her hand over her belly….

Oh God Brandon you were right, you were right.

How can I not have gotten how head over heels I am with this woman? Just watching her doing that and seeing, really seeing Cass with her guard down like this open and talking to her Mom is just.

I feel it now. Flooding out from my heart until it’s filling the top of my head to the soles of my feet.

Messy blonde hair, the way she bite, scrape, chews at her bottom lip, the way she moves, padding around the room barefoot…I love her like that, it’s not a barefoot and pregnant thing but I just love the sight on her feet and legs over the floor of Our room as she’d slip out of bed to go to the bathroom… even just this. Cass being unaware of me watching as she moves just so…it’s not the sexy part of it that gets me. It’s the fact I know the way she moves and feeling that Cass is just that part of me that’s been missing for so long.

All my life long really.

I walk in and wrap my arms around her from behind and sort of bury my face in the sweetness that’s her hair and the smell of her skin and just in holding her. I put my hand over hers and rub her belly again.

“I love You.”

“Oh…Sam…, Sam…Momma? Can I let you go?” She leans into me and I know there’s fresh tears slipping down her face just from the tone of her voice just like I know that there’s a smile there too. “I love you too Momma…” she hits the button to hang up and I take the phone from her and set it on the night stand and open up the second drawer where I keep Mom’s jewelry box.

Yes I take out the ring while my back’s turned to her and when I turn around I reach out and pull her into a long deep sweet kiss. She returns the kiss with so much love and so much passion it nearly sucks the breath out of me.

There is a little hint there of what Brandon said, that well hidden slice of lonely, desperate, please let me be good enough buried under the happy stuff.

I sink to both knees and look up at her.

“Casey Cavanaugh, I’ve been in love with you I honestly think since the day you pulled into my yard. There’s been a lot in my life I’ve fought with myself over and a lot of second thoughts and a lot of doubts and stuff. But I’ve never been more sure in my entire life about this.”

“Sam…?”

“Cass… I love you, I love you and I Need you in my life, I Need you so much in my life, lover, mother of our child, My best friend…But I want more…I need more…”

“More?”

“Cass…Please, be my wife? Please marry me?”

I take out my Mother’s ring and then take her hand and look up at her and there’s tears streaming down her face and dripping onto the floor from the dimples of this smile that I’ve never seen on her face before.

I’ve seen her happy but this was…oh god is this what it’s really like? I swear just being able to make Her smile like that took part of that war torn part of my heart and just …just healed some of the emotional hamburger that it had been made into.

It’s when you look into to the eyes of THE one and you got to make them feel like that.

Guy, girl, in-between….when you find that real heart to heart match and you made a hurt like that stop.

Soul mates are real.

There it is… finally the Why to everything really.

“yes…” her voice is weepy squeaky and tiny like she’s trying to find the words and she nodding her head up and down and once I slide Mom’s ring on her finger she slips to her knees and she looks me into my heart and soul and says in this love laden whisper through her tears.

“yes.”

Then we’re kissing and I’m not sure who’s the top in these kisses because I’m kissing her as hard and as soft and as gentle and deep as she’s kissing me and we both stay like that and kiss and cry, sweet happy tears for a long time.

We’re leaning in each others arms almost that snuggle tangle of arms and legs with her head against my cheek and me resting my head on her shoulder when she asks what I was sure she was going to ask.

“What about you and Brandon?”

“He told me to ask you, pretty much kicked my butt emotionally out of being scared to admit how much I love you.”

“You have a nice butt.”

“So do you.” I kiss nibble on her neck.

“No but really I know that you love him.”

“Yeah, I do but I’m In Love with you, there’s a difference.”

“You still want to sleep with him?”

“Not at the moment?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know. The thing is I’m not a Lesbian, I’m really, really selectively bisexual. Well really selectively sexual I can count the people I’ve been with in my entire life on one hand and most of them are here in this house. I thought I was just pretty much Het but that I’d never really get the chance to see that side of myself. But the two of you changed everything.”

“Sorry.” She tickles my side with her fingers a bit. I laugh a bit and slap at her fingers until she stops…well me gnawing on her neck to give her a hickie might have done that too. I lean my head against hers and sigh.

“Brandon’s my first guy, my first love and honestly when it comes to men he’s pretty much it. I know I’m not all that experienced but I’m not blind either and really there’s no one else guy wise that attracts me. But you’re completely different. He’s that Guy, like my Dad and that might just be part of it. But you Cass…”

“Me what?” Cass turns to face me looking into my eyes. She’s just so beautiful; I can’t help but touch her face memorizing it, just so…

“You’re it, you’re everything I ever wanted and while he’s that guy Cass you’re that happily ever after knight in shining armor that every little girl dreams of. I just never dreamed she’d be a lady knight and that she’d be so beautiful.”

She blushes even as my fingers trace her cheek and I kiss her again but somewhere inside I’m really digging deep and yeah…there’s that little girl inside that was kissing her dream prince and now she knows that her dream prince is this sweet, brave, amazing princess instead with the softest lips ever…

And when we break that kiss our eyes lock as they open and we both have to inhale this long breath…a gasp…

No…

It’s that one true love Snow-White waking up breath.

We hear Ryan yell upstairs to us. “Who want’s pie?!”

I push Cass back onto the floor gently and lean over and kiss her and make my way down tugging off her pajama bottoms gently then inching off her cute little penguin panties and smile at her.

“I do.”

Bridges 24

Chapter 24

I can’t help the smile that’s there on my face as I tossed her flannels towards my…out bedroom chair and work off her pretty little panties, light blue Chilly Willie the penguin’s seem so cute as I tug them off her hips from side to side inching them off and kissing her abdomen to her pubic mound then her I get to her sex.

Where this is coming from I have no idea but it’s just flowing out from my heart, soon, soon she be doing this for me…I tilt my head and make a kiss and slip her outer fold between my lips softly and move my head up the length if her slit then down and as I tilt my head to start on her other fold I slip my tongue inside then my lips continue as I make love to her.

Lesbian…I never really “Got” it until right now at this moment. I mean there’s more that licking and fingers and stuff. It’s that sensitivity, that being able to slowly savor her like this and to give her that much pleasure that is something that we just share it like the sounds and moans she makes are getting mirrored in my heart and my soul until we’re singing this duet.

It’s all her with my right arm over one leg and the other leg over my shoulder…you know how you snuggle into pillows, well I’m snuggled in between her legs like that making love to her beautiful Vee. I feel the sounds she makes go right though me and it’s the way she moves, the way she cries out my name and when she get there it’s sexual but more than sexual It’s like her entire body is crying out to me in love.

Sweetest tears you could ever taste.

And the feelings and emotions are so deep and strong she didn’t have to touch me for me to get there right along with her. I love the way she can’t help but move as I moan inside of her.

Then we change around, Cass sit’s up and pulls me up to her by under my arms until I’m sitting up and she pulls my shirt off up over my head and I raise my arms and while she’s doing that we stand just enough for her to lay me back on our bed and take top. She undoes my bra and she cups my breasts and she does that so…it’s that way only another woman gets. Her hands gently cup my breasts and cradles them in her hands taking their weight from me in this gentle loving touch.

How does something so simple as that feel so right and mean so much. The gentleness she has is erotic all on it’s own and the way her lips travel in the lightest of kisses over my nipples and around my areolas just that silky feeling of her silky super soft lips riding over each tiny little bump and nerve there makes them ache in the best way ever. I swear I can feel my breasts ache in time with my pulse and my nipples are so hard if she fucked me up against my window they’d cut the glass.

I cry out as she takes my nipple into her mouth and she makes my lady Jane squirt off a little of her love ink. Cass makes love to me with my breast and the occasional kiss to my lips so beautifully I’m writhing and panting and gripping the sheets.

I’m vocal too, but I honestly can’t remember the begging, loving, needy babbling she reduced me to.

Then comes out our toy, well our new toy it’s this double ended thing bent into a sort of U shaped I got in Vancouver and it was going to be a surprise and apparently she found it.

I gasp when it’s inside of me and she smiles when she’s on it too and then we’re kissing and pressed together the lube she used for it on me gets another application but to our breasts and that warming gel stuff makes our breast warm and happy and slippery and it’s hyper erotic as our breast and the sensitive flesh slithers and slides together in this amazing way…breast to breast is always great but it’s that and us rocking back and forth literally making love in that almost movie way when the guys is on his knees on the bed and holding his girl up…only it’s two women and we’re even more intertwined than that and our breasts and the fact our hands are touching and gliding over each other while we kiss, and kiss, and kiss…

I loved having sexy with Brandon, part of me is Het but I love being with Cass but this, this was like nothing the two of us have ever done. Have you ever just really, really held the eyes of someone you’re in love with while you making love, while they’re having an orgasm.

I’ve never had this with anyone before and I mean anyone. We actually only stop when we’re exhausted and fall to our sides panting, kissing and it takes nearly everything to just get the toy out of our bed and to fall into a post sexy afterglow coma looking into each other’s eyes until we slipped into sleep.

* Brandon’s part.

It was a hard thing to do really and at the same time I really wanted to do it. I had to do it.

I had to let Sam go.

I loved her, I still love her and honestly always will. Sam’s got her issues but when you get right down to who she is she’s really amazing. She’s been through so much, she’s lived with so much and when you get to be with her…and not the sex, just really be with her and Sam letting those walls down… She’s the most soulful girl I’ve ever met.

GG or TG it doesn’t matter just I know that there were times when I got to hold her that something knotted up tight inside unwound a little.

I’m glad I went into the house first and I got into the kitchen and let the heat steam my glasses up so they hide my tears. I slip into Sam’s little larder closet and pretend to be looking for stuff and try to get through that pain.

I love her.

But those walls she has, the defenses she has up.

They’re not there with Cass.

Ever since her last big freak out when I stopped her from killing herself and got shot it hasn’t been the same. I guess I sort of maybe knew back then.

And Cass, god I have never seen a woman look like that. I’m not talking about her being good looking either. But I was there even as Cass took care of Sam and her house and we started to become really tight as friends…I got to see this look there of Cass honestly to god falling head over heels in love with Sam.

I could see it you know it Cass’s eyes no matter how good she said she was with me being with Sam there was this look hiding in there and Ryan and her knew each other and things Cass herself and I talked about just…it just jelled one day in my head.

Cass wouldn’t ever say it or admit to it ever but there’s this part of her that was just too ready to take what she could get and be happy because it was a really good relationship. She had this voice in her head telling her that she wasn’t good enough for someone to love…but just not love but loved enough for someone to choose her.

But Cass was worth it. I’m not even with her and I can’t help but love her. We’ll always be friends but there’s this lover almost…but more than a sister or more than even a friend with us. I honestly really love the girl for whatever it is that we are.

And Sam, I could see Sam falling deeper and deeper in love with Cass. It was that Cass actually needed her, and Sam’s a nurse, she needs to be needed and they just fit each other so well I know others seen it too, you’d have to be blind not to.

I had to do this and get Sam out of that being loyal to me because she doesn’t want to hurt me and she was scared too. She’d been in a shitty same sex situation and it hurt her. She had this completely normal fear or denial about her sexuality. Looking back Sam has really only hooked up with other women. I was her first guy…I think… and I’m glad that It was a good experience.

I hope it was.

I’m not sure if we’ll ever be together again. I’m pretty free when it comes to being with kinds of people but really…I’m a one woman kind of guy. I can’t be with someone who really made a commitment to someone else…Both the girls deserve better than that, the deserve to have every bit of real together, real happiness they can get.

I’ve seen that before, I’ve seen it work.

I Love both of them so much that…when I see them looking the way they do to each other what kind of friend, lover or man would I be if I was in the way? If I never said something.

I move out to the living room my head cleared but heart still aching and I sit down and pick up my guitar and start playing just stuff at random at first and I’m trying to deal when Lacey looks at me. She’s Sam’s best friend.

“You okay?”

“No, yes…really not.”

“What happened?”

“Sam and I are done.”

“What?!”

“Lacey we both know that Sam’s head over heels in love with Cass.”

“I know she loves you too.”

“I know Lacey, and I Love her but there’s loving someone then there’s True Love. I’m not going to be there in the middle even though things were going great. Commitment’s commitment Lacey and they deserve the best there is…and that’s each other.”

“But, what about you?”

“What about me? I still love them, They want me to be the baby’s adopted father…and I will, I’ll love that child like my own.”

“Brandon…but what about you?”

“It’s okay Lacey, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Of course the others heard all of our little talk and they’re quiet. I guess I mean what can you say right. Which of course why Ryan slipped off into the kitchen and with that Ryan only sense of timing break the mood up with.

“Who wants pie?”

I hear this sort of muffled squeal, then a sort of thump but a muted one and we’re all kind of quiet looking up at the ceiling when we hear a sexual cry make it’s way through the ceiling.

I look up.

“I think Sam does.”

Bridges 25

Chapter 25

I’d like to have been able to be one of those people that say that things just went great once they made their decision to transition and I’ve kept my head pretty low really. I really, really wanted to feel complete ever since I came face to face with who I really was. Counseling and research and the daydreams and fantasies are all totally out the window right now.

Cass comes over and she presses her body up against mine and she starts to kiss me…which is awesome but torture too. She smells like her pancakes, sausage and coffee. Tastes like it too. Me…I haven’t had anything but water.

Today’s the day.

My SRS surgery and oh god I’m flat out scared.

I’m mostly a mess really, all disorganized and stuff. I’m not really this way normally and I’m normally pretty good about this sort of stuff. But Cass has me well in hand getting the stuff for my trip and my stay like my clothes and some books and things before we head out in her truck.

Brandon and Ryan are following on their bikes and so are Bobby and Steve and Lacey’s got Jenny in her car. I look as Cass. “Honey can you stop off at the post office? I need to drop off something?”

“Sure honey.” She says smiling over the whole honey bit. We kiss before I get out and there’s just something new to the feel of us. Better…god it’s better because I’m leaning over and she’s cradling my face in her hands as our tongues are sweetly salsa dancing against each other as our lipsticks slide together…oh….Jane’s getting ansy…I break the kiss my nipples aching and I head into the post office and…and…in a short while hopefully she finally be a proper lady…ready to be teased and toyed with and all slutty for my special lady, my Cass.

I smile as I’m thinking about that and I mail by same day post a set of key’s for my house for Cass’s family. I’ll, we’ll be home by Christmas and so will Cass’s family.

I called them the other night when Cass was sleeping. Re-dial’s sometimes a pretty good thing. I’ll be still recovering but we’ll all be there for Christmas this year. The one’s that can’t fit in my place will be staying over at Brandon’s.

Yeah, he’s really okay with that too. I mean he’s our baby’s father. Well I’m the 2nd half of the bio-equation really but seeing as how things are happening and everything I still want to be called Mom, or Mum or Mommy…I get this achy, good, breathy I can’t wait feeling now when I think about it.

I slip back into the truck and kiss Cass again long and slowly and sweetly before she gets the truck back into gear and we head off. “You’re being affectionate honey.”

“Yeah, it’s a bit of nerves and stuff but…but I’m still falling for you Cass…I guess that it’s just a lot clearer now.”

“Since Brandon…”

“Yeah…I mean I still love him, and I’ll always love him but he showed me that I didn’t have to just limit myself to being in love with just him. That my past relationships only had one thing to show me when it came to ours.”

“And what’s that?”

“How amazing you are, that I light up when I see you, touch you, hear you moving around the house.”

“Hear me moving around the house?”

“I love the soft sound of your footfalls Cass. I love the sound of you singing in the bath or humming as you brush your teeth.”

“I don’t sing in the bath…” She’s turning red faced.

“Yes you do, you imitate Ernie sometimes and you sing Rubber Duckie when you’re in a good mood”

“Saaaaamm….”

“I love the sound your police harness makes when you’re kiting up…it’s…you’re so sexy in your uniform Cass you make my nipples hurt and my heart pitter-pat when I
just think of you getting all into everything and that’s usually followed by my wet dreams of me stripping you out of it when you get home.”

“You do?”

“Yeah Baby, I do.”

I shift over in the seat so I can lean against her and just sigh. Decompress and talk as we drive. We go over my leave then the stuff at the hospital and my shifts there. And we talk about the nursery, the baby things that we need and her going off active duty here in town and taking one of the require security positions here when the Olympics starts up. We’re as in Canada and B.C. are hosting the Winter Games this year and Cass can really pull in some serious cash and we’ll be needing that with the baby coming and everything. The good thing is though I own my place outright so that’s a huge expense off our minds.

We stop at the big Petro-Canada station about half way for a pit stop and I get another bottle of water and we pull out then maybe five minutes later I see. More vehicles with us not just Brandon and them but Charles, and Christian and Eli with the truck…All of them… (Sniffle!) they’re all here and driving me into my appointment.

“Ohmygod! Cass look!”

“Yeah, I know…” There’s this smug smile in her voice.

“You!?”

“Maybe.”

(Sniffle.) “See, see why I love you!? No one I’ve been with would have ever done something like this.”

“Well that’s not true, Brandon did most of this. I just mentioned it.”

“He did didn’t he…you and him are really close huh?”

“I’ve got brothers Sam and we get along and stuff but Brandon, he’s the brother I chose to be my brother because he gets me.”

“Your other brothers don’t?”

“Yeah, but with me being a lesbian they seem to sort of think I’m still the tom-boy that used to follow them around. Y’know that I like girls because they like girls. Brandon…he see’s me for who I am more.”

“Oh…”

“It’s more than that too, he’s never really had reliable got your back family. We’ve already gotten to that point and he needs us Sam. As much as you needed him/us in your life he needs us. He needs a real family.”

“I know, I heard him playing the Christmas carols and stuff and he really does want a real family.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot of us that don’t or can’t stand or deal with the ones we have out there so making our own really is the best thing sometimes.”

I look back at “My Family” and I’m tearing up. “Yeah…..honestly this has been the best year of my life Cass. Being found by all of them, by you…it’s all so much beyond any of my dreams. I thought I’d just be this lonely transwoman living out my days in my old house tucked out of the way hopefully passing when I did go into town and trying not to have my PTSD shit send me over the deep end and I sucked on the end of my gun because I couldn’t live like that…either of those things anymore…”

“Well I’m glad that you’re not Sam, my life would have been ruined if you did.”

“Ruined?”

“You’re my soul mate Sam, My soul mate… and if I’d have never met you and we never happened I wouldn’t have actually fell in love for real.”

I turn to look at her and there’s a few tears but she’s smiling, then she’s smiling at me.

I swear she warps reality for the better with that smile. It can’t be possible for someone to be that beautiful right?

God she’s so beautiful.

I’m so lucky.

………………………………......................... Okay I’m a crying hugging people over and over again mess when we get to base. I can’t believe that they dropped work, dropped stuff in their lives to come here for my surgery. Chris and Chuck came all the way from Calgary!

I’ve never had friends like that, people who really give a shit that much in my life. Well no…my folks loved me and there’s people I knew in the forces that even with my transition have been pretty excellent but for awhile there it was a hard sad lonely road. And now I feel so9 loved, so full of love that I’m about to pop.

It takes a few requests to get everyone name tagged and then I’m whisked off to get prepped. I’ll spare you the details about all of that and if you’ve been through any kind of heavy surgery other than the subject matter of the surgery it’s pretty much the same.

It’s a welcome relief that they give me a sedative. Not to knock me out but to loosen me up, take the pre-surgery edge off. Actually a muscle-relaxant I think. The one thing we go over really is me and my psychologist talking to the anesthesiologist simply because of me either going under or coming to…might trigger me for a PTSD moment from when I was wounded in Afghanistan.

That’s actually kind of common. If you’ve been in action and wounded enough you need surgery there’s enough adrenaline in you at the time there’s this freaky heading to surgery trauma that happens. Heck I had a guy I was working on over there thinking it was when he had gotten hit in Golan Heights. I’m hoping it’s not going to happen but we just are being careful. Plus my psychologist and I have a session about the surgery and Cass and the rest of them and mostly it’s just talking about the future until it’s close to the time for me to get wheeled to surgery and Cass is with me until we hit those doors.

“I Love You Sam!, I’ll be waiting for you!”

“I Love You Too Cass!!!”

I’m crying smiley happy and they take a few extra minutes to prep letting me calm down. And they start playing the music…I’m drifting off to The Moody Blues and I can hear the doctor saying. “Alright, let’s get this young lady’s parts back to where they should belong.”

Then comfortable darkness.

Bridges 26

Chapter 26

I come out of what was a dead drug induced sleep. You know that sleep where you just know you were out of it entirely. That’s a bit unsettling or it’s always been that way for me and I’m floaty in that body stoned kind of way.

I hear C.C.R.’s Midnight Special dropping away to the sounds of the base radio stations chatter. I’m hurting and thankfully I know where I am and I’m not freaking out. I close my eyes again not sleeping but I don’t know, if you’re military you’ll get this.

As much as I’ve been through, seen, done there’s nothing like this. I’m actually slowly smiling at the banter back and forth between the announcers and them reading off the news and sending shout outs to our people out there in all those places all over the world and the sound of cadence being called out while jogging in the distance, the dull roar of the engines of turbines leaving and landing on the airfield.

There is nothing like being on base.

Reality slowly settles in as the drugs level out and Ow…well ow is not the word for it really. I feel split, split in a place where, I’m not ever feeling split. It not to put too fine a point on it feels like I tried to vault a parking meter and landed right there and everything was uhm…pushed well you get the idea only it feels like they didn’t remove the meter.

I wait until the nurse comes to check in on me not bothering with the call button because I know the job and as I’m not really in earth shattering pain or anything serious it’s just better for the staff to get to me when they get to me.

The nurse comes in and smiles at me. “Morning Captain, how are we feeling this morning ma’am?”

“Fine, uhm Captain?”

She points to my nightstand where my medals and my rank increase are sitting posed in its folder. It’s a huge deal and not at the same time. When you get out in the field as a military nurse you come out of training as a lieutenant and taking my experience and everything I’ve gone through and signing on for more as I’m recovering getting to Captain.

It’s nice.

The pay will be even nicer really.

The nurse is cheerful and friendly and she asks me about my pain levels and all the usual stuff be fore getting me some water to sip at since the safe time’s past for me to have liquids and she says. “You have some visitors, you uhm have an interesting family there.”

“Yeah, but they’re awesome and I love each and every one of them.”

“It’s nice that they came and that they stayed.”

“Some of them are from out of province and they dropped everything to come for this. Honestly I’m still getting used to being in a place in my life with people this good.”

“Well if you don’t mind me saying captain there’s a lot of people who seem to think pretty highly of you.”

I’m pretty sure that I’m blushing. “Uhm thanks, there wouldn’t happen to be this drop dead gorgeous blonde bombshell out there would there?”

“You mean the pacer in the RCMP jacket?”

“Yeah, she was pacing was she?”

“Oh yeah, nail biter too huh.”

“Yep, that’s my fiancée. Her thumb wasn’t it.”

“Yeah it was kind of cute too. I’m not really into the girls myself but she’s a looker, congratulations.”

“Thanks, I wasn’t either at least not until I met Cass.”

“I’ll go get her.”

“Thank you please.”

I sip my water and listen to the base radio some more and just had my eyes shut for a second when I feel her over me, smell her smell, just Cass’s own smell and baby powder scent secret and the smell of her make up.

Then there’s the soft supple perfect feeling of her lips kissing mine and her taking a taste right from my soul. It’s one of those kisses. It’s that kiss you dream about as a girl when you’ve just seen or read sleeping beauty only it’s my girl kissing me and it’s ten times better that the stories that used to dance around in my head.

There’s something shaken loose…me, little me, younger me before the bastard touched me and sent everything spiraling into the mire of being molested and abused.

I can remember this small cheap metal framed day bed in the house but I’m in a blue dress and my stuffies are all set up to watch things happen and I’m there all prim and properly laid out on it waiting for my kiss.

Which I feel but can’t remember but it’s not that bad though as that little memory flare up turns into Cass’s kisses.

I open my eyes and smile at her and she smiles back at me and its good, it’s good in that she makes everything better kinda good.

“Hey Cunt…” She smiles saying it fondly to me.

“Guess that fits now huh?”

“It’s why I said it…welcome to the club.” She gives me another kiss. “You know I’m just joking right?”

“Duh, and it was absolutely sick really. That must mean that you’re getting used to base life waaaay too fast.”

“Nope, I just naturally have a sick and twisted sense of humor.”

“Oh…I know, that’s one of the reasons that I love you.”

We’re kissing again and just taking our time with it. You know its true thought in these kind of jobs like we have even in civilian jobs like in a hospital or working as an EMT and stuff like that. You develop this odd, thick skinned sense of humor that most people would look at you like you’re kind of a sick person.

It’s a laugh or cry thing and if you can’t see the funny sides of these things eventually these jobs will eat you up.

Cop and a nurse…

Really, it’s a cliché thing for a reason.

I actually kind of love the normalcy of fitting into a stereotype.

I break our kissing. “Maybe we should let the others in honey. I mean some of them are dropping stuff that they really shouldn’t have to come be here. It’s really awesome but…”

(She kisses me again.) “Yeah, we should really cut them loose.”

…………………………………………………. They really let me have visitors far longer than I should have. I’m mobbed but their careful with me and Bobby and Steve are all sort of squeamish about their own junk. Chris is a sweetheart and yeah I don’t talk about him too much but it’s because he’s never around living up at Fort McMoney (Actually it’s Fort Mac Murray but it’s a big money job boom town even still in this economy so that’s why we call it that.)

He bought me a really nice birthday card with the songs recorded on it and there’s some really pretty words written there about it being my first birthday all over again and three pre-paid gift visa cards. He kisses me on my cheek. “One’s from me, one’s from my girlfriend and one’s from my sister Janey. It’s just to get you some new start clothes and stuff.”

I hug him and the other who got me similar things and chuck says that give him two weeks notice and he and the crew at his restaurant will cook our reception, wedding dinner for free.

I bawl, there’s just so much good I can’t help but to cry because I really don’t deserve my friends.

Cass is there rubbing my back and goes to get me a cup of coffee now that I’ve been cleared for it and Brandon moves into the room and sits in the chair beside my bed and he smiles that smile he has that he hides away from the world under that whole tough guy image.

And ow…and wonder at the same time because I felt my brand new girl part tighten a little just looking into those eyes of his and that smile.

And I can’t help the smile that’s forming on my face and he leans in and kisses me gently, sweetly too but the lover isn’t there but the love is. He holds my hand a little bit and then takes a picture out of his pocket in a small frame and it’s a copy of Mom and Dad. He puts it into my hand then pushes my hand over my heart.

“Looks like their little girl is back finally.”

“Yeah…finally…” I’m crying again but look down at the photo and there’s some tears falling on it.

“Hey Mom…Hey Daddy…I’m Home.”

Bridges 27

Chapter 27

Ugh…I hate morphine.

I know an odd thing to say really but I do. It’s a great painkiller unless one you’re allergic then you tend to hallucinate. I’ve had patients that have done that not fun. Or you can be like me and be overly sensitive to it and I press my little button and zonk…out like a light into la-la land.

But I’m not taking Oxy, or any of the other painkillers because it’s way too easy to get hooked on the and I had a close call in my opinion with Perk when I was recovering with my leg.

I lived with the pain from combat and it didn’t kill me or drive me bananas with how much it hurt then so I’m not really hitting mu pain meds that much at all while I’m here. Besides I’ve got some really great distractions from the pain. Cass for one and we spend a lot of time just talking and laying together in my bed and watching TV or rather stuff on DVD together and when she’s not here she’s actually over in Vancouver at the big detachment there because she’s taking a job with the extra RCMP security they’re going to have during the winter Olympics here in January and that’ll be a big bonus before she takes time off for having the baby and stuff.

So while she’s not here I’m online with the Hospital back home talking and e-mailing with the admin and the nursing supervisors about how they do things there and what it’s going to be like and what I can expect and what’ll be expected of me when I get there and studying here in my room with the materials that I need for my upgraded training and stuff.

Oh…

Oh, it’s been a long time since I’ve been a student. I don’t really get to be that much in pain with my surgery because my heads all ready to explode half the time with all the stuff I have to learn plus the stuff I missed. There’s new ways of doing things in medicine all the time and new tools and new drugs and the job really is one that you do have to always keep learning at and I’ve been away from it a long time.

But I’m also discovering the feelings I had back there in the thick of it and doing some real nursing and stuff. I love this job actually, I love being a nurse. Not a doctor, no thank you being a doctor’s great and all if you have the mentality for it but I don’t have that mind set. I’d rather slog it out with the other nurses and be right there for a lot of the action.

I miss being out of bed and I miss jogging and just doing my regular stuff. But being busy really does help. By day three I’m out of the bed and able to sit in the chair. I’m still on the catheter but it’s a start. Day four and day five I’m walking around and they really encourage that to build your strength back up and I even do some walking around the place talking to the staff and even bum the use of the treadmill on day six to get somewhat of a longer walk in without me roaming the halls and bugging the hell out of everyone.

Day seven they take the packing out and the catheter out and I’m watched to see if all’s well and I get my first post op in depth (chuckle) pelvic check and dilation. Oh it was so very, very strange and I’m pretty sure that I was feeling something near the end of things in a good happy way. I’m there overnight into day eight to keep an eye on things post dilation just in case but all was well.

I’m still sore, a bit puffy yet and that’s to be expected but. I get to go home, well rather to our hotel room and I take a long shower and a very gentle wash down there but a wash. Sponge baths are good and all but they just don’t cut it on a personal satisfaction level. I might have gone with the bath but I wanted to actually enjoy being able to stand up and be clean.

Sex…No me and sex are going to be distant friends for a long while yet unless you count me and my dilator set.

But the other stuff more than makes up for it all. I feel the difference in everything right now. There’s nothing there that was there no matter how hormone adjusted it was and everything now aside from the swelling I’m smooth there. Right there, and it matters.

No not in that earth shattering way that sometimes people fantasize about in TG fiction but. All these things like peeing and wiping. And just the way it feels to sit with the feel of pressure on the bit parts, then showering…that really, I never knew how much water flowing down and off a body could feel right. Then never…ever having to tuck ever again, the way my underwear fits, the way my pants fit.

It’s those little things that make these big impacts really. It’s all in the details I suppose right?

I do actually at one sort weird moment sat there naked with a beer from the mini bar in our hotel room totally just sitting there looking at myself in the full length mirror on the back of the closet door and just took it all in. Nothing pervy just…looking, seeing that this was really me, that this was all real and I’m not even sure why or how like important it was like psychologically but it sort of cemented stuff in my head.

By time we’re ready to go we head from base into Vancouver and to do some shopping. I want to buy things but it’s the 22nd and it’s Christmas and it’s going to be my first real Christmas in so long. It’s nice too to go shopping to, it’s warm out sort of because well it’s Vancouver and yet today it’s snowing and it’s actually my favorite kind of snowflakes with those big fluffy down like flakes are just sort of falling from the sky like melty little feathers.

There’s memories floating up more and more of my younger years before I was molested. Good memories like this kind of snow and me and my Dad hiking out over the field’s home to the tree line to look for the perfect Christmas tree.

He was a good Dad too. I might have been born his little guy but I was his little girl, his princess and he piggy backed me out once my feet got tired and we found our tree and once we got it cut down he made this sort of saddle thing out of his coat regardless of how cold it was outside and I got to sit on the tree like it was a horse as he pulled us from the woods to the house and he even played pretend with me like I was actually on a sleigh.

I hold my coffee with a warm happy sniffle in the lobby of B.C. Place. Cass looks over at me and she slips her arm into mine and nuzzle, smells and kisses my cheek.

“You okay Honey?”

“Yeah, I was just having a Christmas memory.”

“A good one?”

“Yeah…it’s just lately it feels like I’m starting to get some of that little girl that I was back, memories start drifting up and stuff and they’re pretty good ones really.”

“Well that’s a lot better than the alternative right?”

I lean over a little and kiss her. “Right.”

I love that look, that shine that’s in her eyes when we kiss. I love looking into the eyes of someone that really loves me.

Real love, trust me you can tell just like in every corny romance novel…you can really tell when you look into their eyes.

“Cass?”

“Mmm…” she says, sort of as she’s taking a sip from my coffee.

“I’d walk through ten times the hell that I’ve lived through to make you smile.”

“Sam…”

I kiss her again. “I can’t help it, I’m a Chase. Dad said stuff like that all the time to my Mom…even when she got cancer; even though things got….My Mom never ever doubted that he loved her. You deserve that Cass…every time I see you that heady breathless happy in this squirmy good in my own skin just gets stronger.”

“Sam…” she’s staring at me and her eyes are getting misty and there’s tears forming there and I reach up and cup her face with my hands and kiss her some more and very gently wipe those tears away with my thumbs and smile at her.

“Sam…you are the best thing that has ever happened to me……God you say stuff like…do stuff like this… and I love you so much it almost hurts to breathe.”

“Good thing you’re marrying a nurse then.”

“Yeah, and those sexy scrubs too.”

“C’mon Ossifer hotness, let’s go Christmas shopping.”

We kiss and cuddle walk over to the escalator and the entire ride up it.

Oh you so have to try that sometime…It felt like kissing on the way to heaven.

But I might be a bit biased.

Bridges 28

Chapter 28

I’m not going to go into too much details about the shopping excursion only that there was a lot of kissing. More than a few looks from people both comfortable and uncomfortable with us doing that and even though I should be taking things easy I did spend a lot of time on my feet and alone for some of the shopping.

I very well couldn’t buy Cass’s presents with her around now could I.

And I really did a Betty and Wilma on my Visa.

But…new gloves and cowgirl hat and boots plus some sexy lingerie for her and some perfume I’m pretty sure that she’ll like and some other things just knick knacks and stocking stuffers.

Brandon…a guitar, some gift cards and because he’s traveled so much these really cool digital picture frames that can hold a bunch of pictures and even have them rotate.

The other stuff is the other stuff and just kind of things you’d get for people at Christmas. I did get cards and twenty dollar Tim’s debit cards for everyone ay the RCMP station though.

And Cass and I did buy some stuff for us like Mrs. Clause outfits and some sexy new under things for me along with the basic ones. I want some new stuff to go with the settled me.

I’m tired and bushed to the point of taking one of the fuzzy blankets we bought and curling up in the truck as Cass drove us home. “Wake me when we get to town baby, I want to stop to get some KFC.”

She leaned down and kissed me deeply for a nice long time and shrugged her jacket off and folded it into a pillow for me and I went to sleep with a long contented sigh.

It was a nice sleep and a drive and I wake up on my own as I feel the truck sink into an incline as we take the off ramp. I yawn and sit up part slide up and up against Cass and when we stop at the first set of lights I lean over and kiss her.

Slide my hand to her chest and gently cup and squeeze. She inhales top teeth biting her lower lip ever so slightly. “Saaaaamm…” there’s an achy whine to her voice.

“Mmmm?” I massage gently finding the nipple through the shirt and her bra.

“We can’t you’re not….”

“Uh-huh but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer Cass.”

“But…”

“Go pull over there.” I point to one of those by the highway close to the lumber mill old side streets.

She gets us there…and I push ahead and kiss her and take the blanket I was using and her jacket and lock her door then put all of it against the door for her to lean against. God my clit is a tiny little rock. I’m aching but I can deal with that…I can wait for her…

But I can’t wait to have her.

It’s kind of teenager frenzied as I get her out of her shirt and pull her bra down and unfasten her pants and slip my fingers down her panties.

It’s kissing her and lipstick gliding wetly over lipstick the scent of her degree deodorant kicking in with that baby powder smell and the hints of her little dabs of perfume and her skin…and arousal.

I really never thought of myself as a lesbian but more bi, but there is nothing like this smell, that scent of arousal and just of all those things that make a woman smell like a woman.

I am falling deeper in love with her sometimes it’s like freefall.

I love her big full breasts, the sounds she makes…I love the way she moves and gasps as my fingers touch her and I use the pads of my fingers to gently and maddening rub her folds until she’s whining. “Sam…Sam….please…oh fuck…touch me! Touch me!…fuck me!” I feel her shudder and get off and I cup her sex with my hand and squeeze…not hard but firm…and sort of gently grind my palm into the top of her mound as she rides my hand involuntarily…my other hand on a breast and my mouth on another.

I kiss her long and sweet and deep as she comes down from that one and I slip my middle two fingers slowly inside her juiciness. She arches into my mouth and I slowly use those finger pads to massage her insides, tease around her clitoral area and drive myself a little mad with lust too.

Then I get her off by settling her little lady between the groove of my two fingers together and use that sweet friction and as she’s crying out that she’s going to I stop the in and out motions and stay buried inside her but loosen my fingers enough to rub those middle two fingers together gently back and forth across each other and her clitty. I lean face to face with her… “Feel that…feel it, like two silk covered long legs inside you gliding together touching, gliding, rubbing…?”

Cass screams out her orgasm…this climax so good she almost hurts my fingers she seized around me that hard. She’s still panting when I slip down and peel her out of her soaked jeans and bring her to this long soft sweet cum as I clean her up.

We cuddle and kiss and then…oh…she pays that much sweet attention to my breasts and she’s so good and I’m so damned horny that she makes me cum too…then she sinks down to the floor and even though I can’t be cleared for sex, sex I’m using dilators…and Cass used her tongue so very gently and gets me off too. She’s so sweet and so careful too which just made everything better.

So much better.

So much in love.

We stop and get a change of clothes and get cleaned up in the bathroom of the nearest gas station and we’re still touching each other, taking turns with the washcloth, kissing and just so much kissing and we actually very sweetly and caringly put on each others make-up…just because.

It’s a bit later than we planned by the time we get to the KFC and we go inside and I order three full sized family meals. Cass looks at me. “That’s a little much right?”

“You’re eating for two.”

“Yes, and leftovers will be great but…”

“Uh-huh and you didn’t work things out with Brandon to have everyone there for a welcome home party.”

She grins. “You can read me that easy?”

“You’re my heart Cass, of course I know when you’re beating.”

She blushes and covers her face a bit. “Sam….”

“I love you too…” we kiss and get a few looks from the staff and patrons and stuff and there’s some two and two together going on and people are getting fives and threes. I’m not exactly unknown in town and while I’m the tranny and the gay guy that got his dick cut off. Me with Cass is making heads hurt. I just smile and ignore the stares and take out my phone and call home and make sure everything’s all set.

Cass comes out and we hold hands and kiss now and then and while she’s not in the closet she’s shy about PDA’s.

And Cass being shy is one of those looks sometimes that just takes your breath away. Long blonde hair that’s loose now because she’s off duty and a light blue thin tee-shirt with a plunging neck that shows cleavage on her large full breast that get to look all sort of sexy in her lacy bra she’s wearing. The rest is just Cass…old jeans that fit well, leather jacket in that RCMP off-duty letterman’s style…suede boots.

But add in that great complexion, those blue eyes and those sweet lips and then have her hair in her eyes a bit and her all self conscious and shy and yet still being sweet?

I actually get that song. “Take my breath away.” in my head as we’re kissing and I even lean against her…hum it a little…sort of softly sing it’s first few lines and dance with her making her blush a lot.

There’s a bit of sweet satisfaction though when I hear a couple of the girls working there and in the seating sigh.

I can tell the manager is chaffing to get us gone too but she keeps looking at Cass’s jacket.

Ha! Take that all you chicken shit bigots! My fiancée is the top Mounty in town!

I keep myself happy calm even though inside there’s this very teenaged part of me, that rebel teenaged girl I never got to be sitting behind my eyes as I politely smile at the haters.

She’s got both middle fingers going as she’s doing the happy dance.

I pay for the food and nuzzle her as we’re leaving and stopping right in the doorway and hold it open while holding her up against it with my body and say sexy as I can to her. “God…It’s got to be illegal to be this happy.” Then I give her a really long melty kind of kiss then walk to the truck saying. “Gee, I’m so glad that you’ve always got handcuffs.”

By this time Cass has got into this too and pushes me kissingly to my side of the truck for awhile before she opens my door for me and helps me get in like a gentleman…I wonder if gentlewoman would apply to this or if there’s another word.

We get to the next set of lights before exploding into laughter and giggles…ouch…those hit the sore spots.

I can tell Cass is excited to get home and she’s almost humming as we drive up the familiar streets the out to my road and we pull in. I can’t help but have this big smile on my face from the good day but also as we come around the corner I see our houses all lit up with the Christmas lights and it just looks so perfect. It looks like my home. Our home.

We get there and Cass tells me to wait and she slides around and opens my door and helps me out of the truck. It’s really nice and I really I don’t mind her being shevalrous? Yeah that sort of fits. I’ve got a smile as we kiss at the truck and we head into the house food in hand and Cass opens the door to the house and flicks on the lights.

Nothing…

No one’s here.

“I…I don’t get it they should be here?” She’s looking around.

“Well we were later than we thought so maybe they thought we weren’t coming home tonight.” I offer with a shrug and an innocent blink or two.

“Huh, shit…I guess we should’ve called.”

“Well we were busy and calling would’ve take the spontaneity out of our rest stop. The lights are on over at Brandon’s lets take the food over there before it gets cold.”

Cass sighs. “Okay, I was hoping though to give you a nice welcome home party honey.”

“I know, hey just being home is more than enough for me.”

We tuck into each other and do that arm in arm lean on each other across the road and into Brandon’s house. It’s our home too so we just knock a couple of times and let ourselves in. Cass calls out. “Hello! We’re back you guys!”

That’s when everyone jumps out yelling. “Welcome home!”

Cass jumped a little and looked confused. “I think you guys got the wrong place?”

“No we didn’t Honey.” The voice is Craig’s Cass’s fathers and she spins and stares eyes big.

“Dad?”

“Merry Christmas Casey.” This came from Mandy Cass’s Mom.

“Mom?”

She turns and looks at me and I set the food down and step in close and slip my fingers over her cheeks and use my thumbs to wipe away the tears and give her a long, long sweet deep kiss.

“You…” She says as she breaks the kiss… “This was supposed to be your coming home party.”

“I know…” I kiss her again like that still holding her close. “Coming home party, our wedding shower….Cass?”

“Yeah….” It’s a happy-shocked-weepy-smiley yeah.

“Marry me for Christmas?”

She stares at me, then her folks who are nodding, her mom wiping tears her two brothers who she just sees and does a shaky inhale of breath at seeing as they give her the thumbs up…then Brandon who looks smug yet innocent….then back to me.

These huge tears run out of her eyes and down her cheeks and she nods over and over again into a super happy cry.

“Yes!, Yes! Oh God Sam yes!”

I’m crying at the yes, at how happy she is and that we’re home…

Where our souls have always belonged.

Bridges 29

Chapter 29

It’s so different I lived for so long not fitting into place then I figure it out and it’s a hard messed up journey to go on.

I’m Sam Chase and I’m a Post op transgendered woman.

I just asked my fiancée to marry me for Christmas and she said yes. And she’s happy, I’m happy but there’s this part of me that is still old Sam…guy Sam if you will that’s got this big grin inside. He’s finally in love, he’s got the girl of his dreams.

Oh I know there’s those people out there that totally reject the men they were. I get that I do but as much as I was really, really not meant to be a guy. I was one, or I did a good job at being one and you know…I’m okay with that now. I’m not going to say that part of my life was fake or pretend it was something that never happened.

Male me is really the female me with some plumbing issues and some fixes that needed to be made. But he wasn’t someone I hated being, it was just…when I discovered who I really was it was an “Oh.” moment.

But Samaritan had dreams…and honestly as I was in transition I was more convinced that they weren’t going to ever happen.

But then I met Brandon, and then I met Cass.

And I learned even more about who I am and Samaritan Chase…has everything that she every wanted.

I really do…Home, friends, family around me, I’m going to be a parent…I smile and hug myself watching my Cass with her family all bubbly and excited and preggers hormonal and weepy happy. I’m weepy happy too but introspective at the same time. I can’t help but wonder.

Will I be Mom, or Mum?

Brandon hugs me and gives me a cup of hot chocolate and I sip it and smile. “Thank you Brandon.”

He shrugs. “I was making some anyway.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t think that this was it y’know…I thought you and I would go further than this.”

“I know.”

“I was that obvious?”

“Yep.”

“It wasn’t obvious to me.”

“Yeah that’s because when It’s our own shit Sam we’re not the ones who really smell it.”

“Nice…”

“I’m all about the class.”

“You are, Brandon god I wish that things weren’t like this…I feel like we’re leaving you in the cold.”

“Well first of all I’m not. I’m getting to be a father and I get to raise my child with the two women that I have been closer to than any other women in my life.”

I can’t help but to hug him side on and kiss him on the cheek and hold onto his arm I can’t help but smile at him.

“See, right there you say things like that and you show me that it’s true…that there are guys out there for a girl to meet and find that are those guys that their daddies were.”

“Sam…”

“No…Brandon, you are. I loved my Dad with everything I had and when I started my transition and started to really connect to the woman that I am…My Dad became this whole other guy to me, he went from being my Dad to being my Daddy…that guy that loves me, defends me, and makes me feel like a princess on the worst days of my life. You are one of those guys Brandon.”

“I’m no Saint you know.”

“No, you’re not but you’re a damned good guy, a good man and that’s just as important to me.”

“Sam…”

“Brandon….”

“Yeah?”

“Be my best man, and be the guy to walk me down the aisle.”

“We don’t have an Aisle.”

“You know that.”

“So?”

“So?” I’m honestly confused.

“The greenhouse?”

“For?”

“The Wedding.?”

“What? Oh…”

Cass almost skips over. “I like that but it’ll take some cleaning up.”

Cass’s Dad and her brothers all have smiles along with the rest of them. “Come with us Casey, Samantha.”

We follow them out to the greenhouse. Brandon had built it to get his place rated as an organic farm. He mostly grows sprouts in here you know those little containers of micro greens at the grocery stores that kind of stuff but he’s also been raising seedlings to plant in the spring but most of those are gone and Matt and his boyfriend are there…

All the work tables have been pushed back to the benches on both side and covered with white tablecloths and the guys are…have set up this mixed set up od red and white roses and red and white poinsettias and there’s these tall candelabra in between them all and Eli’s boys are setting up these ornaments and decorations hanging from the roof trusses and instead of an altar or the lattice archway there is this great big Christmas tree.

Oh…

“Oh God Brandon I though this was going to be just something simple…”

Cass is crying hugging her dad. “Oh guys I love it! I…I never pictured anything like this…not even in my dreams!”

Craig hugs her back. “You deserve the best honey.”

Brandon hugs me and pulls Cass over into hi other arm. “I totally agree with Craig on this one and it’s a hell of a good idea. And Sam…you deserve this too.”

I’m a sobby mess and he’s pulling us both in tight and we just watch for a few minutes. Then he lets out a big sigh. “Cmon that chicken’s getting cold and you two have a lot of stuff to do.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

We all head back inside and call the others in the greenhouse in and someone knew I was getting KFC and had gotten some too only we had all the sides made by Chuck like baked potatoes and his gravy and collard greens which have made their way up here brought in by the states but also by the Caribbean immigrants. Great gravy…I’m not sure what he did but it was awesome and there was even this sauce that Brandon had made just canned cranberries and orange juice and honey and lots of black pepper in the blender. I liked it, it sort of made the KFC like extra Christmassy.

I think KFC should make stuffing or dressing as a side at Christmas time.

We’re laughing and talking and we’re having a good time and we can’t help but to talk about the wedding and stuff.

God I’m scared and nervous and excited.

Cass and I head home after a few hours and we’re leaning on each other and kissing each other and we’re snuggling together and we even spend time kissing and necking and falling into each others eyes.

“This is really happening isn’t it.” She says to me.

“It is but I can’t believe it either.”

“I never thought I’d really meet someone like you Sam, no one’s ever loved me like this.”

“God Cass I feel the same way, you make me feel loved and wanted and safe…like I wasn’t just some t-girl that people put up with but like I was a real girl.”

“You are real, you’re the most real woman that I know…”

And then there’s more staring into each others eyes…the snow falling out past the porch and we’re lit up by the Christmas lights and it’s one of those things, those time you fall a little deeper…

We start kissing and it’s those kisses that are so soft and tinted with the scent of our make-up, the sexy silky lingerie of kisses from the feel of or lipstick gliding together and our hands touching each others faces, fingers slipping through hair and just losing ourselves in each other.

Casey you make me feel so loved…I feel pretty and so special because of you.

I want to do right by you forever.

I say it with my kisses, with my touch and my eyes.

It’s like that too see her eyes, feeling her touch, her kisses…it’s so like…

Sam…sweet Sam…I’ve looked so long for someone who really get me…who loves me because I am just who I am…tough, brave but I’m fragile too…you let me be all of me and I’ve only ever been half.

Let me kiss you forever, let my touch your soul Sam, let me love you like you crave, let me love you like I need to.

We lose tack of time and we only stop when her folks come over and we all get inside and cuddle together over her dad’s Canadian Club Apple cider that’s hot reduced cider that’s blended with vanilla ice cream and then the whiskey the ice cream just cools it to where you can drink it but it’s really yummy. I love how Cass snuggles with it. Me this is good but even better it’s a family treat recipe.

Family…

I’ve gotten a new one and it’s getting even bigger. I say “Thanks Dad…” as he gives me my second one and a. “Thanks Mom.” when Mandy brings out her maple frosted shortbread cookies. He gives me the one armed Daddy hug and the kiss to the forehead that…it takes me back to before the bad stuff when I was my Daddies little girl and I break a little right there and hug his waist and sniffle cry a bit my face into his hip.

Cass sniffles and rubs my back and so does Mandy.

“I’m s..s..sorry you guys…I never thought I’d have this again…god…thank you so much…”

Mandy kisses the back of my head. “Well it’d too late now Sammy, you’re stuck with us…you made my Casey happier than I’ve ever seen her in my life and we’ve fallen in love with you too….we’ll always be your family.”

There’s a good cry and then we actually get down to business with me and Cass being apart as Mandy, Jenny, Lacey and some of the others are helping me and Cass with our dresses and not seeing each other in them and when we’re not doing that we’re on the phone and talking to people and inviting them to the weddings.

Yeah weddings…we both felt very strongly about this over the drinks and we’re actually so busy getting things together still. Even cooking for both of them to have stuff for both events.

Mandy chases us both off the bed about four twenty I the morning. We shower, brush our teeth and cuddle up together kissing and touching and staring at each other like on the porch swing until our eyes are just getting too heavy despite the happy tears leaking out from both of us…

“We’re getting married tomorrow…” I smile at her.

She smiles back at me so bright and just…when she doesn’t catch my breath she catches my soul.

(Sniffle.) “Yeah tomorrow we get to be forever…”

I cry again but push right into her breast to breast, leg twined and tummy to tummy, mounds touching and It’s really crying but I’m kissing her over ad over and her back crying too until that’s how we fall asleep together.

Bridges 30

Chapter 30

Wedding one.

Yeah wedding one.

I wanted this as much as I want the big one and I had made a call into The Base and after some talking and some explaining with a few people. The base Chaplin is pulling into my yard and he’s meeting with Brandon and Ryan. I head to get dressed and into my very best as I see some RCMP cars pulling in.

Another shower and strong coffee. And I use my Veet to get extra smooth and then it’s the lingerie…Okay I might be insane for getting into this knowing I’m going to change out of it so shortly anyway.

I get into darker silk hose with the seams and my bra and panties and garter belt are all Jessica brand in this forest green color and it’s perfect to match just underneath the dress uniform skirt and tunic.

I guess you figured out that we’re getting married first together in our uniforms. I want the dresses, the whole thing and we’re doing that next but I’ve been Armed Forces my whole adult life and Cass is a Mountie these are pretty big things about each of us. We want them in our ceremony.

I’m very careful about getting dressed and making sure everything is just military perfect. Medals, seams, make-up…I even check my posture. Honestly this is really my first time looking at the formal real me in the mirror.

As much as I’m feeling everything else…

I’m still damned proud to be wearing this uniform.

I walk out of the room I’m using and there’s slip covers for my shoes and I head over to Brandon’s place. Cass is there waiting for me, she’ll be doing that this time and I’ll be waiting at the altar as it were when we do this in out dresses.

I see some more cars in both yards and I take my time for one final check before heading into the greenhouse. Brandon comes over to me and yeah I’m getting married but there’s still…and seeing him in a real tuxedo with him all cleaned up…his hair’s loose and well groomed and just…It’s still just Brandon but it’s seeing that stand up guy he is, the gentleman he is that’s there inside him shining on the surface for the first time.

I’m not having those cheating thoughts but the effect of his worn faded jeans and plaids and just t-shirts then this, the contrast is just amazing. He smiles at me. “You ready there Captain?”

“Yeah, wow you clean up nice.”

“So I’ve been told, I really don’t make a habit of it though.”

He offers me his arms and I take it.

Okay, even like this I’m shaking a little.

Brandon walks me around the corner to the carpet that’s laid out and there’s some more people here from the base, and town like the ladies from the insurance company and stuff. I’m surprised into a little jump as the drummer starts up in a marching rhythm as Brandon leads me down the aisle.

“Wow drums I didn’t think I rated drums.”

“The Padre brought the drummer.”

“What no bagpipes?”

“Wait for it…”

“Huh?”

I hear the bagpipes start up and look to see Ryan of all people with a set of pipes and he’s even dressed in a kilt. I’m surprised he can actually play. Brandon’s smiling that half smile of his. “You know if he’s half in the bag we’re going to likely hear him spouting off… “Son’s of Scotland!” like from that Braveheart movie.”

“I really don’t want to know what’s under the kilt do I?”

“It’s Ryan what do you think.”

It’s all kind of unreal as I pass the people I know and some I don’t Cass’s side filling out against mine pretty equally I’m trying not to cry this trip as the guys from my Dad’s firehouse are there in uniform, some of the people from the base are here to do the arch of swords for us…I don’t know them but short notice and all it’s still very cool that they’re doing this. There’s some pictures of people not here anymore from my old unit…from the chopper set up and I take the handkerchief and blot seeing them.

I’m just raw and really nerved up until I see Cass.

Y’know I thought the RCMP dress uniform was hoakie, but she’s wearing it and there’s this look that comes off of her that all lady knight in shining armor, serve and protect and I might have Mommy issues with my Mom having been in the RCMP but she takes my breath away not just in how beautiful she is but how true the whole thing is for her. People get a whole other kind of power when they’re really themselves.

We never made our own vows, we really haven’t had the time. But the regular stuff to me is just as amazing. We go through all the regular stuff so fast the Father Williams is reciting in front of us….There’s a moment of quiet then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a coin. “Heads or Tails girls?”

That got an amused ripple through the place. He flips and turns to me.

“Samantha…Samaritan Chase…do you take this woman…”

“To Have and to Hold…
To Love, Honor and Cherish…
In Sickness and Health…
Through Good times and Bad…
Forever and Always…
Always and Forever…
For as long as you both shall live…”

Okay…Padre Williams added a nice twist and I smile and look into Cass’s beautiful eyes.

“I Do.”

He turns to Cass and goes through the same thing and she stares right at me, with that melt me, heartbreaking smile.

“I Do and even longer.”

He closes his book and say’s. “By the power vested in me, I know pronounce you to be continued!”

Some people are confused and I smile as I rush off with Lacey and Jenny and start getting changed.

I…

I’m getting changed into my Mom’s wedding dress…some girls like me never really think about those things but I did…I know it as I slip into each bit of white lace and satin, I can feel not just the way I’ve been thinking of this since transitioning but the little girl before the abuse had started with the…I’m not going there, he doesn’t get part of my day.

The little girl me like so many little girls she was planning her wedding in that way that five and six year olds can. One thing I do know is that I knew then I wanted to wear mom’s dress.

Brandon comes for me and…oh he changed too…my white dress…his white tuxedo…he’s more or less the same but still shockingly stunning in that guy way if anything though It’s the change from the rough guy.

Oh my nerves are just on high voltage now as he walks me down the aisle and a bunch of kids…teens are playing *Here comes the Bride.* in a light rock style that’s kind of nice…Brandon takes his place beside me as this time I’m the one waiting for…

Cass…

The music went to traditional piano or keyboard and Cass is being escorted down the aisle by her father. Two big fat tears roll down my cheeks just seeing her. Her hair’s up in one of those regal braided styles and she has ties of white ribbons and lace along with tiny white flowers…a long pear necklace draped over and over and her dress is her mothers but very reshaped…Cass is very much more blessed up top than her mother…there’s a lace trimmed low cut to the front that shows her amazing cleavage and just nestles those pearls.

Add in the built in corset and that gauze skirting and the long train…she looks like every dream I ever had before I knew I was really me…I’d actually likely have told you that I’d never be that lucky.

Months ago I would have said that.

My dress is actually something that Mom had made herself, lace sleeves, keyhole bust and a lot of white and lace brocade even in the collar that is almost like a raised military collar, satin skirting with a small train it’s just simple like Mom was…almost if a wedding dress could be a uniform…she looked amazing with that really styled pony tail in her pictures with bangs framing her face and I went like mother like daughter…Lacey’s done my hair and two bits of hair frame my face and stop at the top of my jaw…my pony tail is set off with a shiny gold satin ribbon and tied in a bow that gives it an inch between it’s fall and my head.

I can’t stop looking at her.

I can’t stop staring into her eyes and falling in such a life freefall….

The ceremony is the same except Brandon gives me away and holding a portrait of Mom and Dad he says “We do.” when he’s asked who’s giving me away.

Oh Brandon…! I’m blinded by my tears that…that Cass steps up and wipes away right there before we’re even done like it means more…like I mean…

It was one of those moments where that person you love more than anything changes the way that your heart beats.

She even makes me sobby laugh when father William asks who gives Cass away and she cocks her head her dad’s way saying “He does.” with a smile.

There’s an amused ripple that spreads through the crowd at that.

It still passes like a whirlwind…

“I’m taking your name…”

She tells me before her “I do’s.”

Father William pronounces us. “I now present to you, loving wives Samantha and Casey Chase.”

There’s a loud applause and the band cranks into a loud post wedding grind and we’re kissing over and over for at least a few minutes as everyone cheers and claps and then we leave heading through the arch of swords through the barn into Brandon’s house followed by everyone else.

We have pictures taken, and we have three cakes one for the armed forces one for the RCMP both sheet cakes and good and a nice four tier wedding cake. We saber cut the military and RCMP cakes and have champagne before we head back to the green house where Chuck’s set up a huge buffet station and there’s tables set up that are just the old folding stuff from the Legion with plain covers but it’s so much more than my dreams.

Buffet, open bar, and a live band.

Oh they’re local high schools girls and they call themselves “The Thimbles.”

It’s hard to dance in our dresses but we don’t care. It’s our wedding so eve that’s perfect.

I’m on my third slice of the armed forces cake…I love my wedding cake but this is a peanut butter cake and it’s so moist it’s almost got that peanut better sticky thing going on.

The food is just good stuff. Rabbit from Eli done French by Chuck, Smoked salmon, Kentucky Fried chicken, Salad, Potato salad, Stuffed mushrooms, Baked potatoes, King crab, Spot prawns and Fanny bay oysters and scallops along with a really good Braised lamb shank for the others. Several veggie and fruit platters just from the grocery store, dips and crackers and stuff.

Big open bar…

And we get to have a lot of fun with the wedding music stuff but we get to have so much X-mas fun too.

I think one of my favorite pictures is with all of us together in our wedding stuff with our Santa hats and stuff on in front of the great big tree.

We had to take a few of those as Ryan flipped up his kilt.

Guess where he put mistletoe?

Bridges 31

Chapter 31

“Samantha…Samaritan Chase…do you take this woman…”

“To Have and to Hold…
To Love, Honor and Cherish…
In Sickness and Health…
Through Good times and Bad…
Forever and Always…
Always and Forever…
For as long as you both shall live…”

…………………..

I’m getting changed into my Mom’s wedding dress…some girls like me never really think about those things but I did…I know it as I slip into each bit of white lace and satin, I can feel not just the way I’ve been thinking of this since transitioning but the little girl before the abuse had started with the…I’m not going there, he doesn’t get part of my day.
The little girl me like so many little girls she was planning her wedding in that way that five and six year olds can. One thing I do know is that I knew then I wanted to wear mom’s dress.

……………………….

The music went to traditional piano or keyboard and Cass is being escorted down the aisle by her father. Two big fat tears roll down my cheeks just seeing her. Her hair’s up in one of those regal braided styles and she has ties of white ribbons and lace along with tiny white flowers…a long pear necklace draped over and over and her dress is her mothers but very reshaped…Cass is very much more blessed up top than her mother…there’s a lace trimmed low cut to the front that shows her amazing cleavage and just nestles those pearls.

Add in the built in corset and that gauze skirting and the long train…she looks like every dream I ever had before I knew I was really me…I’d actually likely have told you that I’d never be that lucky.

………………………………

“And now; Casey Cavanaugh…do you take this woman…”

“To Have and to Hold…
To Love, Honor and Cherish…
In Sickness and Health…
Through Good times and Bad…
Forever and Always…
Always and Forever…
For as long as you both shall live…”

The ceremony is the same except Brandon gives me away and holding a portrait of Mom and Dad he says “We do.” when he’s asked who’s giving me away.
Oh Brandon…! I’m blinded by my tears that…that Cass steps up and wipes away right there before we’re even done like it means more…like I mean…
It was one of those moments where that person you love more than anything changes the way that your heart beats.

……………………………… “Hey Sam?….Hey Sammy…”

I blink even still at the reception playing things back and getting lost in it and my heart making these pitter patter happy sighs to itself. I look over to Ryan who’s grinning. “C’mon still a bit more fun to be had.”

I roll my eyes but I’m smiling. “What have you got cooked up now?”

“Oh wasn’t me it’s Casey’s Mom and her brothers. Seems our girl has always wanted fireworks for her wedding since she was little. Brando and I talked to the fire fighters here while inviting the and…”

“It’s not going to spook the horses?”

“In the barns with lots of treats and some soothing music and Eli’s boys.”

He leads me over to where Cass’s Dad…Craig’s standing up with his glass of whisky.

“Everyone!, Everyone I’d like to ask that we get our coats and boots and some fortification and we head outside!”

Ryan led me to Cass whose got this cute mouthful of fried chicken thigh in her mouth. She looks at me tries to talk to me mouth full can’t because she took a Cass bite.

God it’s those little things that make the heart smile right?

She looks at me, then at Ryan. “What’d you two do?”

He gins all the more and let’s me go and sticks his thumbs in the waistband of his kilt and turns and walks away doing this horrible “Toura aloura a ley…..” thing. Ryan’s just Ryan and I’m glad that he’s like that. He’s going to be that uncle, you know “That” uncle. I’m still smiling and watching him go kind of happy. Every family should have a guy an uncle like him.

A Dad Brandon…

They actually bring us some of our wedding and Christmas presents first and the first ones we get are matching really pretty rhinestone and chrome plastic tiara’s. We have fun getting to put them on each other and It’s plastic but I’m in my Mom’s wedding dress and I feel like a princess.

The next is actually white rubber boots. They’re those new ones you see the girls wearing now like the ones with the girly patterns on them now. Ours are white with light blue decals of snowflakes on them.

Cass is befuddled when we get them. “I think we’re going outside and they want us to match our dresses.” I love it when she’s got that gears turning look going o while trying to figure stuff out.

I’m glad we detached the trains though.

The last is these really nice white fleece long parka jackets that have the hoods with the fluffy edging. Really cute and high end and chic. I know these came from Lacey, I’m pretty sure from NYC or something but they go with our dresses and they go with the boots which means Cass and I can still use them all winter and they are really warm.

We all walk outside to the big corral and Chucks there with a long wood grill but he’s got it there for hot drinks, pretzels and roasted hazelnuts mixed with walnuts and chestnuts?

Brandon gets both Cass and I two big hot chocolates and has his own and someone got something playing Christmas music and White Christmas starts to play as there’s this first pop…Cass’s eyes got wide bas the silver sparkler flower goes off.

I pass Brandon my hot chocolate and slip in behind her and wrap my arms around her and gently sway us with the music and watch them with her.

“Your Mom told the guys.”

She’s staring and crying and she’s so beautiful. (Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

“Said that you always wanted fireworks at your wedding.”

“Ever since I was six. After the very first really big fireworks show I’d ever seen….I just…you never get to have those dreams you had when you’re little come true.”

I love the wonder on her face and in her voice too. “I did, I new before things changed for me that I always wanted to be a girl, to have the fairytale wedding, to wear my mother’s dress.”

“Yeah….I know we’re both doing these things we’ve dreamed of too but it just seams so…”

“Like the best dream ever?”

“Yeah…Like part of me now’s showing this to the six year old me that dreams do come true.”

“Yes they do.” I’m rubbing her tummy again. “I think it’s cool that our baby’s here for this.”

“Yeah but they won’t remember this.”

“Yes they will, not like a real memory but all those feelings, all this love and wonder has stuff inside us that make us feel that way and right now they’re surrounded by love and happiness…this’ll become part of then Casey.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Feelings are just as important as food. Love, happiness, wonder…It’s all got to be a good start right?”

“Yeah…God I love you Sam…”

“I Love You Too.”

It only gets better after that with the way she laces her fingers into mine, the way our rings click and touch, having someone to hold tight…just my special someone… and the fireworks are amazing and there’s a really great half hour of them. That’s good because it’s mild out yes but it’s still winter.

We actually don’t go back inside with the others and we head home. Brandon and the others walk us to the start of my driveway and then Cass and I hold arms as we head to the house and the lights are off when we get there except for a few candles here and there and the Christmas lights.

We take off each others coats and boots and keep the tiaras on. Arm in arms up the stairs to our bedroom where we slowly kiss, touch and caress each other out of our wedding dresses down to our lingerie and slip into bed.

I might be still in the middle of healing from my SRS but under very careful tender touches and tastes and licks and kisses from my wife I’m having my wedding night for real and I’m having a Merry Christmas.

There’s a few moments when I’m engulfed in pleasure and in love I cry happy sweet tears.

God I’m so happy.

I feel like me, really me…who I was meant to be from the top of my head to the soles of my feet and it’s just not that finally being me.

It’s finally getting to be me and getting to be happy.

When it’s my turn I’m more than able to return the favor and honestly…I like being a girl wholly, way better that before even just before when we were together…it’s not like that was bad, not at all it’s just this is me.

We kiss each other, tasting each other mixed in with everything else stay awake who knows how long just doing that and staring into each other’s eyes…it’s romantic to do that just looking at each other just so….until we’re slowly drifting off.

I dream this dream that I’m this little girl and Mom’s there getting me ready in this little version of my wedding dress. Telling me…

I’m beautiful.

That she’s proud of me.

That I’ve always been her little girl.

That I always will be.

Then Daddy’s there and I’m me and I’m on the town Bridge and it’s decorated like for a wedding and he leads me across to the other end.

Brandon’s there, he’s in his white tux…he’s smiling and he points and Craig comes leading Cass to me…

Then it’s snowing and there’s flower petals with the snow and feathers like down falling as we’re kissing and we lace our fingers together and take those first steps together finally crossing that bridge into Our new life.

Bridges 32

Chapter 32

Mornings are getting to be really wonderful things. It’s been about two weeks since our wedding and the amazing reception and the gathering together of friends and family. We’re taking this time as our Honeymoon because Cass just got reassigned to do some special security work down in Vancouver with the whole twenty ten Winter Olympics.

It’s a special duty thing since she’s pregnant and this’ll be more organizing stuff than patrols and field work. That’s good less stress is always good for the baby and the Mommy.

I wake with a smile and my arm around my wife.

Wow two weeks in and it’s still amazing to have that thought. I run my fingers very lightly over her small beginnings of a baby bump it’s amazing that she’s changing like that. I mean it’s not really a bump more of that whole muffin top kind of thing right now but Cass was pretty fit and in shape and I know her body really well so yeah it’s there.

It makes her move a little and mumble cutely in her sleep. I love that little things that she does even the ones that she doesn’t know that she does. I pull my arm away lightly and just close my eyes and sort of just slowly rub my legs closely together and there nothing in the wrong place…there’ll be nothing in the wrong place ever again.

And it’s not so much a whole bursting full of joy I’m a woman thing as just sort of enjoying being right.

I slide carefully out of bed and pad across the room and get dressed. My Nike shape gear and sweats over them and I take my meds before heading downstairs. I make a pot of coffee and let it run as I grab a calcium chew and scarf down a few vitamins and two granola bars and then grab my jogging pack and head to the porch and get into my windbreaker suit and my hiking boots the head out for my run.

It’s snowed here and there’s about five inches down but that’s pretty normal for up here in the winter. They’re worried on the news for the Olympics because it’s actually warmer than normal down south and their getting not enough snow and there’s even been some rain.

But I’m a couple hours north of there and it’s a nice January day after getting some snow down. I’m out after the plow’s been through and jogging in the cold. Yes I’m still jogging even now…actually stopping for awhile post op was starting to get to me. I’m used to the rush from the exercise and it really helps with the physic for my wounded leg.

No I wasn’t hurt recently it’s the wound that sent me on my way home. But that leg won’t ever be the same, it’s so damn lucky that I’m not limping or lost the leg.

It will get worse though if I didn’t do this or something like it. But I’m used to running from being in the forces and it’s a habit that stuck and I’m glad of it actually. One of the things that happens as you transition and get the hormones working is that you build up the skin softening layers of fat and curves and that’s great I love my body actually well my shoulders are too big still but everything that changed it’s me, the real me.

But…

You ever wear scrubs? They don’t really hide much and I’m woman enough to be vain enough to be concerned about how I’m going to look in them.

If you’re not transitioning really young then I’ll tell you the weight can pile on pretty easy. I went from going from a sort of skinny soldier boy to a really skinny transitioning girl as I started dropping muscle mass and then once things started shifting the other way my woman’s weight came on with it.

Thinking about my leg as I jog doesn’t take me as deep into my combat memories. Instead I’m thinking of just the other night making love. Cass had taken me over that sweet cliff over and over again but between the times she’d have her sweet lips taking me further into myself she’d touch me, caress me and she’d dance her delicate fingertips over my scars ad she’d trace the ones on my leg and she’d kiss them…not just little kisses but these suckling and tasting kisses…as real and as passionate as the ones that make me swoon and get all girly melty.

Getting to feel that way about part of myself that as a woman I’ve never been able to not feel self conscious about…it’s been such a huge gift to my heart really.

Cass makes me feel wanted, needed, loved and beautiful.

I know, that honestly I pass but I pass an average girl really….so getting to be seen as beautiful is really a big thing for me. And this relationship, my marriage is just not what I thought it’d be. I was actually thinking it’d be a lot less than this. But waking up together, cooking sometimes together and talking…we’re always talking too…Movies and music, clothes anything and everything my time in the forces the things that I’ve seen , the places I’ve been on leave to. I’ve seen more of the world but Cass has seen more of Canada and honestly I’d love to take off with her for a road trip sometime.

Honestly Cass makes me want to do a lot of things that I’ve never thought of doing.

I’ve got the rushing glow as I stop at the top of the hill and drink a water from my pack and have another granola bar before heading back down and running down to the crossroads and back. I go passed Brandon’s and the few horses that are out are running along side chasing me kicking up some of the light snow as far as they can go to the end of the fencing and they frolic after I’m gone.

I like horses, I’m not Cass who’s got that childhood love of them and the Experience with them in the RCMP too. But I do love to see them running and the fact that these are rescue horses given a place to live out their days from various places just says Brandon to me.

Brandon…

Sigh…I still love the man honestly. I love the guy that he is and the things he’s done and the safety he’s brought into my world but I still feel like I kind of owe him so much more. I’ve no idea if I’m on his mind as much or if he and Cass have talked about things since the wedding night. She’s over there all the time helping with everything and they are as close as a guy and girl get without getting physical so…

But then again I’m afraid to ask really.

I smile seeing Brandon outside as I’m coming up and he starts up his tractor and him and Ryan who has a shovel heads over to my place and they start doing my driveway and I’m still getting used to this kind of treatment having the guys there to do stuff and I’m thankful that they are doing this. I have an old snow blower that was dad’s but it’s a big yard and it took a lot of work.

And with some people knowing exactly who I am or thinking they did they weren’t exactly offering to take the job to plow me out. And I’m a bit out of town too and that didn’t help either.

I’m not sitting idle either and I get my shovel and help, I actually don’t mind shoveling I like it actually not endless shoveling with heaps of snow and stuff but cleaning our walks and the steps both from and back and Ryan does the garage and clears off the vehicles.

By the time we’re done Cass is outside on the porch and waving us in and we head into the porch and get out of our outside gear and smell the fresh Tim Horton’s coffee and this really great smells of Cass cooking breakfast. She doesn’t cook a lot really but she can.

I love it when she does.

Homemade sausage…ground pork and she mixes some bacon in it and some toasted fennel seeds, chili flakes and some other spices and stuff and it’s really spicy but it’s really good in the winter time. She fries them in patties with some cold potatoes and green peppers. Then there was her pancakes. Cass makes these really great pancakes with buttermilk and some other tricks that she says are from her dad and they’re really good she either puts in chocolate chips or bagged frozen berries but the thing that really, really makes them is the pudding.

Pudding?

Yeah, she takes chocolate pudding or butterscotch for the ones with the chocolate chips and vanilla for the ones with the berries. It’s really as much sense as whipped cream or syrup. We do have those and Cass does make some that are plain for Brandon but I like the berry ones and want to try them with a good custard sometime instead and Cass and Ryan do the chocolate chip ones which I do like especially with coffee but I prefer the berry ones.

But It’s the sharing things, food the shoveling and stuff and just being communal that really sets this all off right.

The guys leave after hugs and kisses and Cass and I do the dishes then we head upstairs to shower together.

It’s so…

Okay, it’s so normal that it’s special…nicely warm water and each of us slowly kissing each other and then slowly lathering each other up, it’s some how just as erotic as it’s everyday. Touching, feeling each others smooth skin, squeezing fingers over each others muscles…god that feels as so good with it combining with the erotic touches and the rise of heart rates and breathing and the long kisses and hands dipping into our soft secret places until we’re as clean as we can get and Cass pins me to the shower wall and takes me….

She does that thing with her hand….her middle two fingers sinking into me and my clitty slipping between her fingers and she just curls those knuckles and the little bumps run over my new bit and the ends of her fingers deep, deep inside stroking and massaging and every time her fingers stroke inside me down and down each time I feel her knuckles make me want to crawl up the wall in the building waves of orgasm and that way her fingers are massaging down my insides make me want to slide down the wall in melty goodness.

I go from the wall to draping my arms around her passionately kissing her and pressing our wet breasts together and kiss my way into getting my legs under me again and I pick Cass up into my arms and she cries out “Sam!” in laughter as I carry her to our bed and there’s this sexy moment where she’s wrapped her legs around my waist and we’re still breast to breast and she’s suddenly got all her fingers through my wet hair and passionately kissing me.

We sink down onto our bed together and we make love…I’m, falling deeper and deeper into being a lesbian.

I know that sounds weird but I love Cass and while I’ve been with women before her and there’s never been this, this attraction but more than that attraction it’s affection, love…I’m still falling deeper in love with the person Cass is and falling in love with a woman as another woman.

Unlike my ex Tanya who wasn’t satisfied with me being me. Or trying to be me. Cass though it never mattered, it never will matter. I really wonder if there’s girls like me as lucky as me?

I hope so.

I hope there’s some of those girls that can come out to the women they have fallen in love with in their lives. And that those women in love with someone like me can fall deeper and deeper in love with the women that we are.

I love Cass so deeply…I dip down and part her sweet intimate and lick and taste pushed on by her intimate cries of my name and get to her lovely little nubbing that’s hard and standing tall in her wishes for attention….I wrap my lips gently around her and I treat her with the same depth and attention as I’ve ever treated Brandon when I was…being with him.

Apparently it really works…pursing it in my lips and working them up and down her bud then suckling it and while I’m sucking it I’m twirling my tongue in circles frenching around and around again and again and them as she cries and bucks her hips and running my tongue in a heavy pressing lick over the little point…then I’m rewarded with girly cream…

Then of course there’s more…

I had to have more she’s leaving tomorrow.

………………………………......................The next day came around way too early and we made love for most of the night and tried to have a leisurely breakfast together which was good and she packs her things and I get ready and we drive out of town heading to where she’ll be headquartered at near the Olympic village.

I’m going with her to get some things like my scrubs and stuff down in Vancouver and books and will be taking the train back.

She’s fairly quiet when we’re leaving which is Cass chewing on something until she decides to tell me.

We’re just passing the big Petro-Canada station when she says. “It’s okay y’know.”

“What’s okay?”

“Being with Brandon.”

“Cass, I’m with you.”

“I know, I know but it’s okay.”

“Why are we going at this again honey?”

“Because…you were with him before you were with me.”

“So…?”

“And honestly I think part of you wants to be with him.”

“What?…I don’t cheat.”

“It’s not cheating he’s going to be the father of our child.”

“I know and he’s amazing for just well being Brandon but I love you, I’m in love with you.”

“And you’re not in love with him too?”

“You can have your cake and eat it too Cass, I know that much.”

“Bullshit Samantha we’re people not cake.”

“Honey…”

“It’s more than that Sam.”

“More than that?”

She’s quiet for a bit. I’m patient enough to let her get it out her own way. “He misses you.”

“Misses me. I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“Sam…you know what I mean. Brandon wants us to be happy, I know he wants us to be happy but it’s Brandon. You honestly think he opens up to just everyone? He doesn’t and it’s been a long time Ryan said between the last person he’s been with and you. I know him Sam I know him as well as any of my brothers and he’s Brandon…he’s just going to be quiet and suffer in silence while we’re happy and that’s not going to work for us.”

“He misses me….”

“He loves you too, he loves us both but he’s not going to get between us.”

“I Love You…Cass he’s not going to get between us.”

“I know that…you know that but you ever think he’s scared? He’s a great guy, a really great guy and he still makes part of me really wish I could be bi at least.”

“You do?”

“Yes, he’d never try and get between us. He’s Brandon he’s too damned honorable for that but I’ve seen this light there when he still see’s you Sam…and I’ve seen him take whatever he’s feeling and shove it down deep too.”

“He does?”

“Yes, he does and our kid will pick up on that. Kids do and they will. Can you actually see our Brandon putting himself out there looking for someone new?”

“No…actually…no.”

“Right because he still has feelings for you.”

“But we’re married.”

“Yes and we’re good but there’s nothing wrong with us all being together.”

“He won’t.”

“Yes he will.”

“No he won’t he’ll be all stubborn and Brandon about it.”

“Yes he will…he’s still carrying a torch Sam, and it’s been long enough that this is hurting him. I don’t want that do you?”

“No…but…”

“It’s okay…I’m good with my wife having her steady guy…I’m aware you’re not a lesbian Sam.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“No, you still look at the guys, the boys.”

I blush, I really wasn’t trying to but there’s…. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, we’re committed not dead, looking isn’t touching and you don’t really look at the girls the same way as I do.”

“You look?”

“Yes, I’m gay honey, I look at girls. You’re still bi honey and us being in love and married doesn’t change our sexual preferences.”

“But…”

“But Brandon’s not cheating, not to me…he’s my best friend outside of you babe, he’s going to be our baby’s father and maybe more.”

“More?”

“I want more than one baby Sam, I want to start a family.”

“Oh…but I…”

“I want to have one of Brandon’s kids too.”

“Uhm when’d you come up with this?”

“Ever since I got pregnant. I mean it Sam I love Brandon as much as any lesbian could love a guy that’s not the whole lesbian’s side kick.”

“Cass…”

“No….Sam…I can’t be with Brandon…it just can’t work physically as much as I’d love too as a person…It actually hurts me too that I can’t….it’s like that part of me when I was figuring out who I was sexually is awake when I’m with him and I see him just so damned alone and being all damned stoic and taking it and I want more…more for him and for us and for you.”

“This’ll be complicated…how do we be a triple?”

“We don’t complicate it. We just keep living as us but we just let it happen with you two.”

“And what if it’s more than sex?”

“It is more than sex, I know the two of you and I don’t mind if you’re head over heels in love with him too. I’m not small minded enough that I can’t think of people being in love with other people.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Yeah, of course you can…you’re going to think about it anyway, you’ve been thinking about it anyway.”

“Cass….”

“Ever since you’ve been medically okay to be with a guy, or our toys you’ve had that same look there when you see him as he has when he see’s you and you bury it too. You both will deny this thing that’ll make you happy and it’ll either happen eventually or you’ll both be miserable over it and I’ll be caught in the middle.”

“I’d never…”

“You’re doing it already Sam…you both are.”

………………………………........................It was like that for a lot of the drive down actually and it was kind of a fight and kind of not. I was really surprised at this coming out like it did and learning the way Cass really felt about this and the fact that she had no intention of letting us walk away from each other if we couldn’t.

She loves me and that’s why she married me, she wanted it more than anything else she’s ever wanted she said. More than anything in her life.

But she just didn’t tell either of us that she was thinking these things.

And the more I think about it the more part of her’s right maybe? Or right about me…have I still been carrying a torch for him too?

Has being away from him been hurting him?

The more that I think about Brandon and how much part of me wanted him to be my first…the guy to be that guy…I’m missing him more than I thought…it’s confusing and upsetting and despite Ryan still hanging around…I can see Brandon when he’s alone just pulling everything in around him and not admitting to anything….and the thought of him hurting like that because of me hurts way more than I thought it would. I’m not the kind of woman that’d ever break someone’s heart and I’m swamped by these thoughts all day even after we got Cass settled into her housing and I did my errands and made my way to the train station.

I’m waiting outside for the last half hour on the platform sort of needing the cold to stave off the tears and clear my head. I feel someone watching me on the platform as the train’s pulling up and even onto the train. It’s a woman in a business suit/skirt ensemble. I set my bags in the seat beside me and the person tailing me takes the seat across the aisle.

I take a look at them finally after feeling her eyes on me all over…Cass looks at me like that and while I’ve been a woman some time now I’m still not used to getting checked out in a sexual way.

I know her, it takes some moments for my brain to make the adjustments after all it’s been years but….

It’s Tanya…

Bridges 33

Chapter 33

Tanya…

And I’m actually at the point with the way that I’m feeling that I could go and cry in the bathroom right now or just as likely ask her what the hell does she want.

The second feeling actually sort of surprises me into smiling a little bit. I actually had been through enough with her and had been so post war screwed up that when we were together she was a complete bitch…one of those man hating lesbians that was chique lesbian and all la-te-da with here clique of friends and stuff and honestly…I was scared of her and I ran from the relationship.

And I’m kind of smiling that right now after the guys…after Brandon and now Cass I’m actually considering just telling her off if she’s going to act like the complete bitch she used to be.

I’m not really used to being all empowered as a woman really it’s kind of heady.

“Morning.” I say to her.

“Oh…yes it is.”

“You’re not from around here?”

“Oh Non, Je suis…oh I am from Mon-re-alle.”

I’m trying not to roll my eyes. Tanya’s not really french she just ended up staying there since her college days. She doesn’t have an accent and she speaks nearly perfect English.

But she’s not saying much instead she’s checking me out.

Oh…

Oh she doesn’t recognize me.

“So are you here on business or pleasure?”

“Oh as you say a bit of both?”

“Oh, what do you do?”

“I am a lawyer et toi?”

“Oh I’m a nurse.”

“RN ou LPN?”

“I’m an RN working on more though.”

“More?”

“I’m working towards becoming a nurse practioner.”

“Oh tres biens, it’s good to see that you want to have more from life.”

“Me wanting more?”

“Oh non, non eet’s just many peeples zay stop getting more of an education after they are done geeting their diploma.”

“Oh well no nurse ever does that actually.” I smile at her in that being kind to simple people way.

She noticeably blinked at that.

“Oh how is this?”

“Things are always changing in medicine, new protocols, new drugs, new ways of doing everything really even LPN’s are having to study to keep themselves up to date and relevant.”

“Oh, zee law is like that.”

“Mmm, okay.” I smile at her again.

Tanya is looking at me a lot harder now. She’s really not used to getting attitude I don’t think or people not just falling over themselves for her. She smiles at me after spotting my wedding ring.

Married women never stopped Tanya she’s one of those women that likes nothing better than to break into a relationship especially if the woman is married or that she thinks that she’s married and thinks that she’s straight.

Yeah…Tanya’s one of those nasty super lesbians that think all women are just waiting for the right woman to show them that they’re lesbians and well of course she’s so amazing that it’s her…

I pick up the newspaper that someone had left and look through it while she’s studying me. I’m not really ignoring her but using it as a prop like I’m reading or looking at the paper while talking to her.

“So, you didn’t mention why you were here actually?”

“Oh I am going to Prance Jeorges as a favour for the law firm that I am with?”

“A favor for the other partners in the firm?”

She makes this bit of pursed lips duck face thing. “Non, they ‘ave not made me partner yet.”

I give her this smile and a raised eyebrow. “Oh? You must have had other things going on then? Husband and children?”

“Non! Absolument non! I do not like men, they are evil and mean and vile personnes who use their power to keep women down and to hurt zem…us.”

“Really you poor thing I know some amazing men, just I guess you’ve met the wrong ones. It’s really a pity.”

“No it’s not a damned pity.” She’s really ticked and her fangs are showing. “Men have hurt women for all of damned history and they’re still doing it. I don’t have a use for any of them…they’re all…dirty..”

“Oh it seems you don’t have a use for you accent right now either.”

She looks at me pissed off. “I’m sorry. Excuse me I need a coffee.” She gets up and she sways away and I can’t help but to smile. I like the feeling of scoring points on her and she was all about that man hating bullshit before too.

I get that there’s a lot of women out there who have been really, really hurt by men and I can get that. And I can get that there are women that are die hard lesbians and I’m okay with that too.

But I had a chance to know Tanya and she’s a narcissist like in that text book meaning of the word. When I was with her I was one of her projects she was such an amazing person to lower herself to be with me and to show me what being a woman was all about. Privately I was her verbal punching bag. Tanya took every good thing around her and made it about her or would spin it so people thought she had a part of it.

But if something went wrong in her life? There was a man or men in general at fault even to the point of saying that a woman was being swayed by a man to betray her sister women.

I lived with her too…long enough to know that it’s an issue with both her father and something to do with her older brother but it wasn’t sexual abuse…I had heard her say that much.

Tanya was a drunk talker just she never really talked with me just her friends and other lovers. But I heard enough. Daddy issues, maybe even her need to compete for his attention with her older brother?

I’m mulling everything over as I’m skimming the paper and doing the crossword they’re harder than I remember actually.

Tanya comes back after close to a half hour later and takes her seat and she looks over at me. “Hey, look I’m sorry I’m just lonely and frustrated and you’re….well you’re really attractive and I just got caught up in trying to flirt with you.”

I smile and start gathering my things. Bridgeview will be coming up soon. “That’s perfectly okay but I’m married.”

“Happily?”

“Yes very happily actually.”

“Look I’m going to be blunt okay. You’re gorgeous and you’re one of the few women that’s actually called me out on my attitude and that’s really appealing.”

“Thanks, I try not to be about the bullshit I’ve lived with someone that was all about that kind of life. All substance and no heart.”

“Men are like that. I’m not…”

I laugh out loud at that.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh it’s that she was like that and she still is.”

“Oh…well there’s some women that really haven’t really loved women not like they should be loved. I’m not some dumb girl that’s just playing around at being a lesbian. I put everything I have into the relationships with the women that I’m with.”

“So does my wife.”

Tanya blinks. That threw her off.

“Is she open to others in a relationship?”

“She sort of is but I’m not.”

“Listen, she sounds like an amazing woman and I’m sure that the three of us could get along quite nicely.”

“No, thanks really.”

“Why, we’re lesbians we don’t have to abide by the rules that are all over this male dominated society. Three women can be in a relationship that has a lot of meaning we don’t have to be just two people.”

“Well I do, I’m a serial monogamist.”

She looks frustrated and we’re pulling up to my stop and the train station. I know she’s frustrated because she whipped out the man hating dogma. Yeah it might be all intense and pretty shiny on younger people/newer lesbians but I know it for her usual bullshit.

“Men came up with monogamy as a way to control us.”

“Whatever, look you’re really, really not my type. If you’ll excuse me this is my stop.”

I get my things and I feel the train stop and I see Brandon on the platform waiting for me. I wave to him and he raises an arm and waves back.

“Who the fuck is that?”

“Ex-lover and the best man at my wedding.”

“I thought you were a lesbian.”

“I am. Well I’m bisexual but I fell in love with and married a great girl.”

“If she’s so effing great then where is she then?”

“In the Olympic village if you must know she’s been asked to help run the security there. And since you’re being such a spoiled little twunt about me not falling for you and your patter she is great. In fact she turned down her offer at being a partner at her law firm in order to become an officer in the RCMP.”

She’s blinking and getting angry and mad as hell I can see it in her face and her posture. “You’re no lesbian you’re just some poser and you’re going to break your wife’s heart when you show her your true colors.” She says almost spitting at me.

I smile at her that pat-pat on the head smile. “Uh-huh, whatever…” I get up and head to the exit of the car and get off and Brandon’s there and he takes my bags for me. Tanya is glaring daggers at the both of us but actually mostly me. I smile and give her one of those cute little finger waves as we walk away.

Brandon looks at me. “Friend of yours?”

“My ex.”

“So that was Tanya, I take it you had it out then?”

“No, she didn’t even recognize me. She got all pissy when I wasn’t falling for her little head games and her flirting.”

“Oh, so how’re you feeling after all that?”

“Actually pretty damned good.”

“So are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“Good Eli sent over some really decent elk steaks if you’re interested.”

“Definitely. Uhm…did Cass mention anything to you about me and you?”

“Yup.”

“And?”

He just looks at me and I can tell by the look there in his eyes that me and him are a non-issue at least when it’s going to come to sex and stuff. He doesn’t want into our relationship any more than I want him to be in our relationship. I mean we’re close, really close and ex-lovers and friends closer than friends but I’m married to Cass and as far as we’re both concerned it’s just the way that it is.

He slips his arm in mine and we keep walking to the parking lot and he just says. “So what should we have with the steaks?”

Fuck you Tanya, there are real men out there.

Bridges 34

Chapter 34

I am actually more than a little content and happy as we get my things and put them into the back of the truck and we head for home. My place, his place it’s all home to me and sort of fused together nicely.

Brandon looks at me. “That actually has you in a pretty good mood.”

“You know it does. I’ve looked back at when Tanya and I were together and it was such a bad time. I was her sex boy-girl thing that she loved to hang around and fuck but I was never good enough to be like equal in our relationship. I was a wannabee woman and she loved reminding me of that.”

“She sounds like a loverly person.”

“Nope, not at all she was really pissed that you were there. I went from being a lesbian she thought she could just flirt her way into a hook up but once she found out you were an ex-lover and my best man I went in her lesbian-femi-fascist mind from someone to sleep with and maybe even take away from Cass or Cass from me to being tainted meat.”

“Lesbian-Femi-fascist?”

“Oh it’s that worst possible version of the entire lesbian and feminist stereotypes. Tanya’s a lesbian and in her little world with her little friends men are the enemy. And not even because they’ve been oppressed by them or that she had a bad history with me trust me she had no of that in her past…I know. But simply because it’s urban lezzie chic and cool.”

“Really?”

“Yep and a scam too. There are women out there that are the real deal and they have reasons but in the lesbian community there’s a group of the newly out girls that aspire to be as pro-fem as they can be. They might not actually feel that way but it helps them justify being gay and so they act like they hate guys. Again not all lesbians are like that but about fifteen to twenty percent get caught in that stuff when they first come into the gay/lesbian community and Tanya runs her little french revolutionary feminist soldier thing as a scam to get into as many sets of fresh panties as she can.”

“Wow…she’s a real piece of work then.”

I nod, oh she’s that all right and honestly her whole spiel had me fooled when I was with her and because she was such a feminist warrior I was so lucky to be with her and she was so great a person for having the strength to be with me that I took way more stuff than I should have.”

I smile as we drive. “I’m happy because now after all this time and meeting you and the guys and finding a real loving and caring partner I was able to see Tanya just now as how pathetic she really comes across as.”

“Good, now what you should do as the cherry on the sundae.”

“What?”

“Call Cass tonight and tell her all about it.”

“Really?”

“Definitely, she’d want to know any how but you got a little back from Tanya today of the stuff that she took from you in the times you two were together and that you totally shot her down will make her day.”

“You think?”

“I think. And Cass is always cheering for you even when she doesn’t come across as blatantly doing it.”

“Really?”

“Hey, I’m the one with her and the horses all the time. The only time I’d be hearing your name more is if you were actually there.”

I smile and blush and kind of hug myself happily and we pull into my yard and Brandon helps me unload my things into the house and we then walk over to his place with me grabbing a plastic shopping bag with some potatoes in it since he’s out of them right now.

I do call Cass on the way over.

“Hey…”

“Hey beautiful I’m glad that you called.” I love the way I can feel the smile in her voice.

“I just wanted you to know that I got in alright and that I had a bit of an adventure.”

“Oh, what happened?”

“I ran into Tanya.”

“Tanya?”

“My ex.”

“Oh…are you okay?”

“Oh yeah actually I’m pretty good. She didn’t recognize me.”

“Well honey it’s been years.”

“She tried to pick me up.”

“That hussy did she know that you’re married?”

“Oh she wanted to pick you up too, she was totally fine with a three way.”

“Ugh…sorry no fucking way.”

“You don’t do three ways?”

“Closest I ever got was the night Brandon almost joined us. No…I like sex sure but I like making love more and I couldn’t do either knowing that was the woman that made your life hell.”

“Thank you beautiful…you have no idea how much it means and how good it makes me feel to hear you say that.”

“Well…I do know because I really do feel that way and I hate anything that makes you feel bad.”

“I love you too and I’d never think of being with anyone but you too.”

“But what about…Brandon?”

“We’re good Cass.”

“But…we’re leaving him alone…and I’m here and he’s there and…”

“Cass.”

“Yeah…”

“Thank you for loving both of us but you ever think that we both want things exactly as is?”

“But you two were together before we were.”

“And six o’clock comes before seven honey and just because the clock’ll hit six again doesn’t mean I’ll be doing the same thing.”

“Oh…really… oh…Sam…”

Brandon takes the moment to add in. “Here Sam give me the taters and you can keep having phone sex with Frodo.”

It took me a minute to get that one but Cass was giggling over the other end of the line and I start taking to potatoes out of the bag and throwing them at him. He’s laughing and dammit I’m laughing too and it’s not fair because he’s got good hands and he’s catching most of them.

Cass pipes up. “You two have fun okay? I have to go I’m still working y’know.”

“Okay lover call you later?”

“Unless I call you first beautiful and I mean it have fun before you dive headlong into all the books and stuff.”

“I will I promise.”

“Sam…?”

“Yes?”

“I love you, I really do.”

I mist up at that just the sound in her voice and the feelings there it’s making me all choked up and glomphy feeling.

(Sniffle-smile.) “God I love You too Cass…you are My Hope…”

(Sniffle-smile.) “Oh…you suck now I’m going to be all sniffly and tear faced for the meeting…”

“You’re aloud you’re preggers.”

“Yeah…” (Sniffle.)

“Yeah…bye mommy…bye baby….”

(Sniffle…Bye wife…Bye Mommy..”

She hangs up because she had to go and I’m so emotional I have no idea what to do with myself until Brandon comes over and her wraps me in a huge hug.

“Sam…it’s alright to bawl and be happy…”

I hang onto him and I cry, it’s a little freak out for some damned hormonal reason but I’m entirely happy. He walks me into the house and then the kitchen and I’m better after five minutes or so.

“Sorry, I have no idea what happened.”

“Don’t be its PTSD.”

“No…it’s wasn’t that.”

“Sam…you’ve been hurt that bad by life for that long when you get serious doses of happy yeah…you’re having a reaction because of that.”

I look at him and he passes me a beer from the fridge and get’s his own and he’s pretty serious looking about the whole thing.

“It kind of makes sense. I mean really there’s still the whole is this really MY life going on and everything.”

He touches beers with me. “Exactly and that’s perfectly okay for you to feel like that when it does happen until you get used to it.”

“Or I mess something up wanting the return to the bad times.”

“Well there is that, people get addicted to the way the chems work in their head after awhile and new feelings are a literal shock to the system after awhile. But don’t worry about doing something stupid to make things go that way.”

“Well I wasn’t planning to but I do get the psyche behind it now that we’re talking about it.”

“Yeah but you won’t.”

“Oh?” I take a long drink of beer as he takes out the elk steaks.

“Nope you my girl will have all sorts of other stuff with the new job and the baby and studying you won’t need to manufacture stuff going wrong it’ll just happen.”

I laugh and I go over to help by scrubbing and peeling the potatoes. We just go on from there. Brandon doing the steaks up with a steak rub powder that’s like steak spice but run through a magic bullet until well its powder and he has melted butter with garlic in it that he shoots into the steaks with a metal tipped basting needle. Its wild game so it needs some fat added to it because it’s so lean it tends to dry out a lot fasted than other meats.

Eli’s really good to us because these are lovely monster sized steaks and cut really thick. I do the potatoes first in the microwave until their mostly done and then put them in a roasting dish and don’t mash them but sort of squish them down and pour the rest of the garlic butter over them and some salt and pepper and pop them into the oven to roast.

Brandon grills the steaks, he’s that much of a guy that yes he has one of those indoor range hoods that’s strong enough to let him run a grill in his kitchen.

And we just end up actually stuffing ourselves and drinking beers like two really close friends and spending the rest of the evening in his other room playing pool.

It’s actually a really good night. I think sometimes I get caught up in that need to be a girl that much I avoid some of this stuff as ungirly. But I like food…I actually like a good beer and I still like pool. So it was a really decent way to spend the evening right up until Cass calls me.

“Hey Baby…Hey Mommy…” I say answering the phone.

“Hey Mommy…Hey Lover…” She says back sweetly and softly.

“Sam…”

“Yes beautiful?”

“I’m running a bubble bath, how about you join me.”

I have all these thoughts and images going on in my head. I kiss Brandon goodnight and smile getting into my boots. “I’ll be right over and joining you lover.”

God, even this far apart I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with her.

Bridges 35

Chapter 35

I’m smiling as I make it over to the house as quick as I can and stumble inside and kicking my boots off at random the thuds making her giggle on the other end of the phone.

“You’re home?”

“Yes baby I’m home.” I smile into the phone as I’m trying to climb stairs and she clothes at the same time.

“I head the door and your boots.”

“That’s your fault Missus.”

“My fault?” Cass says it with such a happy pout on.

“Yes, if I wasn’t as so madly and passionately in love with you as I am Cass I wouldn’t be burning up under my skin to hear that sweet sexy voice of your’s guiding my touch.”

“Really!?”

I do this attempt at a sexy inhale breath and say slowly is a whisper. “Oh…of yes, Cass…I want you to be here on speaker phone and be my mistress…tell me the naughty and sweet delicious things that you want me to do to myself….”

“Oh…of fuck Sam…I’ve never…”

“Oh you will baby because I want that too…I want you to touch yourself too…slowly, madly…and moaning out every little detail of you cumming for me…”

I sort of feel turned on by saying this and I really feel like a retard at the same time. I’m a self conscious person and a shy one so this whole phone sex and talking dirty thing is really knew to me and honestly if Cass was here I’m either be red as a beet or I’d be giggling to much to keep going.

But hearing the shock-love and turned on awe she’s got going on is just the spurring I need to keep this up.

I start my own bath and add some bubble bath and attempt to take stripper self shots of me to send to her.

I’m getting turned on and embarrassed…I mean I’m not one of those internet self shot girls. But I’m really thinking of Cass as I’m posing and the fact I’m actually hitting send and it gets more intense and adventurous as I get pictures back from Cass.

God she’s beautiful, and sexy…I had so thought while I found myself attracted to men that my sexuality had changed as I was transitioning. But while Brandon was amazing to be with it’s Cass that’s caught my heart.

It’s actually really freeing to be me. I mean not just in the right body finally but just being honest with myself…my sexuality, all of it just seems to be coming together.

“Oh Cass…you so have the most amazing breasts for bubble bath…”

She laughs and it settles into a moan. “Tell me…tell me how to touch them Sam…do it to yours…ah…(inhale sound.)…c’mon honey…please…I’m so soapy and so achy.”

We go from there…here telling me what she’s doing to herself but it’s me there doing it to her…but the same is true on my end too…it sounds complicated, it sounds kinky and to me it is…we’re both on speaker phone at this point and the cries and the moans and the whole thing just ends up to me and Cass having this amazing in the bath phone sex that leaves me crying out.

“Cass!…Cass oh shit Cass!” As I press my mound into the palm of my hand and arch over and over again as I’m overwhelmed by the fantasy of my wife in our harness pressing into me…loving me.

I’m just peaking in my climax when I hear her hitting hers.

Then it’s just the sounds of our mutual breathing over the phone. I just hold the phone near my face.

“That…that was…amazing…”

Cass giggles. “Yes, yes it was…god I’ve never done that before.”

“You haven’t..?”

“No!”

“Well you’re certainly good at it.”

“Mmm…thank you baby.”

“You’re welcome Mommy.”

(Sniffle.) “God I love you Sam…”

“I Love You too…I really miss you….” I’m getting all lonesome for her now…sex is great but I really want to snuggle up with her right now.

“I miss you too Sam, I really wish this was done so I can come home.”

Part of me really just wants to tell her to do that to just come home and stuff. But at the same time I’m in the forces and she’s RCMP so we both know this part of the job. We hate this part of the job but it’s still there.

“Sam? You still there?”

“Yeah, just thinking a minute.”

“About?”

“Us, our jobs and the fact we’ll be doing this a lot.”

“Phone sex?” She says giggling.

“Yes!” I laugh too, I can’t help it it’s just the tone she said that in. More of that miracle that she is really because I’m instantly feeling a lot better.

“Good this was fun!”

“It was, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah babe I do, we’ll get by it’s a heck of a lot easier now then it used to be.”

“I know but it doesn’t make our bed any warmer.”

“I know but you’ll have me hope for a lot longer shortly.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Me neither, you’re going to be an amazing mother Sam.”

“Hey that’s my line.”

“Nope, it’s the family line…two pretty amazing moms deeply in love.”

I’m smiling again, well more and I’ve got my legs pulled up to me in the tub and I’m cradling the phone.

“I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Me too.”

“Cass?”

“Yeah hon?”

“Close your eyes.”

“Okay….”

“Take your right hand and slide it to your ear…”

“Okay…”

“Use you thumb and forefinger…just feel, caress the outside edge…the ear lobe.”

Her breathing changes just a little. “Okay…”

“When you get to your earlobe let it go…but just let your thumb glide from there and slowly down your jaw line until it meets your forefinger at you chin.” I’m talking a bit softer deeper, trying to be sexy.

“…….uh…okay…”

“Use your knuckle first on your forefinger…gently…slowly Cass…feel it run over your lips…that’s me…that sweet soft nuzzling…”

“Mmm…hnn…” I can hear her panting…water moving….I know what her other hand is doing.

“Bottom lip…over…then up to the top lip…across them…then….slide to use the tip of your finger…again…down and over and around…”

“Mmm…hnn….okay….”

“Again…”

“…..okay….”

“Feel your lips…feel how sensitive they feel….that feeling as my lips are grazing over yours…”

“….Mmm…yes….”

“Is it good…”

“Mmm…yes…..”

“Cass…”

“Mmm…..”

“The tip of your finger…my lips… my tongue…touching, grazing…being so…..making things pulse…throb…aching nipples…tightening muscles…”

“…Yes…Mmm…ff…yes Sam….”

“Feel it?”

“Yes…Feel it?”

“Ghnn….yes….”

“Pull down your bottom lip….inhale as you get there…”

“SAM…..!!!…” Her cry is…I bite my lip and cross my legs as I get there too just not even touching myself…just everything….

“God I love Kissing You Cass…”

There’s a happy whimpery sound… “I love you soooo much…..”

“I Love You too.”

(Laugh-happy sniffle.) “I’m getting cool.”

“Me too.”

“Love You mommy.” There’s such warmth there in her voice.

“Love You too Mommy.” I do, I really am head over heels in love with her and it’s just getting more and more amazing.

“G’nite love.”

“Good night Beautiful, I’ll catch you in the morning.”

“Mmm…okay…” She sounds sleepy I smile and bite my lower lip as I end the call not really wanting too like some teenager.

I sigh and finish actually washing up and then head into our bedroom and I dig through the closet until I find one of her RCMP uniform shirts and slip into it and some soft panties and slide into her side of the bed.

I breathe deeply pulling her scent and letting it and my love for here twine around inside my brain and pull me into sleep.

I hate missing her…and because I’ve never had this before.

I love missing her too.

Bridges 36

Chapter 36

Two weeks later…

“Uggh…!” I push away from the kitchen table when Brandon comes in with Ryan and several take out bags.

“Ouch.” Ryan says grinning. “That bad?”

I put my palms to my eyes and just try to shake the numbers and the print out of them. I’m nodding. “Yes…that bad. You know how long it’s been since I’ve been in school?”

Ryan snorts. “Oh no way, I’m not touching anything to do with women and their ages or women and their clothing sizes or their weight.”

I peek out from behind my palms. “Coward.”

Ryan holds one of the take out bags so the Chinese restaurant emblem is facing me and bows. “Great Sage say…smart man know when to shut the fuck up.”

I stick my tongue out at him.

He grins. “I’d give you the finger but between my finger and your tongue it’d just be way too much like lesbian foreplay.”

“Ryan!!!” I grab some of my crumpled note papers and throw them at him. He’s laughing and reaching into the bag and he’s throwing fortune cookies and packets of plum and soy sauce at me in retaliation.

Brandon leans over as he’s going past looking at my work and he get’s that frowny face he gets when he see’s stuff that bugs him.

I keep telling you he’s such and amazing guy but he’s also very particular at times and with things.

Like the Chinese food.

Ryan and I are setting things out and they got stuff that’s not real Asian like food to Brandon it’s like tex-mex and actual Mexican…good god don’t get him started on that either. Ryan will eat anything almost scarily so and me well I was in the forces and while I guess I’m sort of girl fussy Brandon’s just…

They bought honey garlic spare ribs and wontons and chicken balls and Brandon bought stuff to cook with it like the wrap for hand made dumplings and potstickers, and shrimp and pork and chicken…okay…he makes these really good potstickers with shrimp and some kimchi…which is Korean and this veggie and pork belly hoi sigh dumpling. And he does this drop dead good tempura chicken.

It’s all Brandon being picky and stuff since he knows how to cook all of this and he says better than the take out place. But the potstickers browned and then served up in this stock with this broth from the shells and heads…and the dumplings are like this sticky-good-fatty Chinese bbq pork and all these almost chow mien veggies in with it to cut the sweet with all their steamed juiciness.

Okay he might be fussy but yeah…yum.

I’d almost swear too that studying and trying to get my brain to learn and re-learn all the stuff I knew and the new things that I need to know now I swear it burns calories and stuff.

It’s got to be the mental stress.

And the hormones.

I wasn’t clipped before my surgery and while I was on blockers and hormones for my transition there’s a difference when they’re gone. Mind you not a lot and the fact that Cass and I conceived is beyond a fluke…Well anyways their gone and all my body is getting is the full doses of stuff now so I’m gaining a bit more weight in the hips and the butt and a little more topshelf and that’s a good thing for me. It makes my shoulders a bit less out of proportion.

And I’m sure I’m starting a bit of sympathy weight with Cass too.

We eat and we take a break from me hitting the books. And we sit down to watch some movies and just hang out. It sounds so simple but for me it’s really still a novelty. I had a few friends in school not many because I was odd enough to not really fit in even though I didn’t really remember why back then and you don’t really socialize like that in the forces you do sort of but just like this, like everyday people it’s something that I missed and I’m enjoying it.

The guys don’t stay for too long and I take my new tablet and some of the stuff I need to study and lock up and head to bed and study some more until Cass comes online.

It completely makes my night when she does.

I mean it’s so strange that I see her come up in my in box and my heart does this little skippy Yay and no matter what the day was like its better by a whole lot.

Sometimes we Skype but usually its voice chat and we talk for as long as we can keep awake unless we’re well getting into some long distance love time.

(Blush.) I’m still not used to online sexcapades.

I miss her so much.

“Cass?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m coming down this weekend okay?”

“Really! That’d be awesome honey I miss you way too much.”

“Me too the host just isn’t the house here without you.”

“I miss home Sam…god I can’t wait to be off this.”

“I so get a bit of what dad must have felt like after mom passed…Cass this isn’t home without you here.”

(Sniffle.) “Sam….”

“I want to kiss you so badly right now.”

“Me too…” I heard her moving on the bed.

“You’re hugging the pillows?”

(Sniffle.) “Y...Yeah how’d you know?”

(Sniffle.) “Because I’m doing it too.”

“You are?”

“Yeah…god Cass it actually hurts being away from you.”

“It does?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

And it does. It’s not like a huge deep pain but there’s this ache, like a fix actually when you miss the person that you love. You want to touch them and have them touch you…you want to kiss them and have their smell there and it’s just not the same when they’re not there.

It’s just not and you want that so bad it’s like…there and real.

We talk a bit more and we head to bed and I try and study and I try to sleep and eventually do but it’s only meh…I didn’t fall into nightmares but it was like I slept but there was like the edge of a nightmare there.

I’m up early and I make coffee and I have a cup and eat my granola bar and my little pre-jogging stuff take my meds and my vitamins and get my jogging pack and get changed and slip into my corset and lace it tight…I’ve been wearing one for awhile now it’s a surprise for Cass really between the weight I’m putting on in my girly places I want to see if I can slim down and get a bit more of a girly waist.

Okay it might be a bit of I want to look good once I’m in scrubs again too.

And I’ve added another six km to my run as I run in towards town and stop at the gas station and corner store nearest where I’m at and I usually get something that I need there like creamer or milk or eggs or at the very least take a breather and have a coffee with the morning crew opening up and have a pee and head back.

Oh and my lotto tickets.

Yes I buy them especially now since it’s me and Cass. Except well it’s not just me and Cass we have this whole expanded family that I’d be more than happy to share with and help out some and then I’d like to maybe travel once the baby is a bit older too.

Brandon’s up and as soon as the horses see me coming while their outside they run all the way down to greet me as I’m jogging in on the road and they run with me along side the fence all the way back in and they whinny and blow happily as they do and sort of play and that makes me smile.

I never really grew up around horses and stuff even when the old fellow was here and I’m finding that they are growing on me pretty fast.

I turn into Brandon’s yard instead of mine which is the usual now and I see a car there with government plates and Ryan’s getting things put into the trunk. He looks…different than usual with a shave and he’s dyed his hair? And he’s in a suit too.

“Ryan, you leaving?’

“Yep, I got the call.”

“Oh can you say where?”

“No, sorry.”

I go over and give him a long hug and he hugs me tight and lifts me off my feet. “I’m gonna miss you Samantha Chase.”

(Sniffle.) “I’ll miss you too you goof, be careful and come back safe…”

“I will and you…you take care of Casey okay?”

“I will I promise.”

He hugs me a little tighter and him and the driver exchange looks and he let’s me go and gets in and they pull away together.

I’ve never been more sure that Ryan for all his goofy ways and devil may care attitude is part of Canadian Intelligence. It’s been hinted at and he’s never really said a whole lot about it but yeah he had his “Spy on” leaving here this morning.

I’m tearing up and crying a little watching his go. He’s a friend and he’s like a brother to Cass and he’s gotten like that to me too.

I’m sure he’s behind my abuser needing a colostomy bag and a catheter for the rest of his life.

Not a thing to be proud of and yet…it’s a thing that only real friends do…y’know the ones that are like or better than blood.

Brandon’s there and he hands me a tissue and he’s…well he seems all guy about it and quiet but you have to know Brandon there’s different levels of quiet in him. Like Eskimos and all they’re words for snow.

“Come on lets head inside Sam a little breakfast and we can do some riding.”

(Sniffle.) “I don’t ride really.”

“Well it’s time you learned.”

We cook breakfast together and it’s really just a little bit of stuff really hot oatmeal with a handful of granola in it and some walnuts and a drizzle of maple syrup and another coffee.

Then we head out to the barns and we get ready and we spend some time doing a few short rides around the pastures mostly exercising the horses that can be ridden and Brandon has some on lead strings and then it’s letting them back out after we unsaddle and clean them up.

They’re back outside to do horsey things while we clean things up in the stalls and stuff.

I’m really, really sore and that’s even with the saddle pads and the woman’s saddle that Cass uses and stuff it’s yes there…I must have a wretched seat and it’s my legs too and my lower back. Riding has used muscles I didn’t think that I would and so has everything else we’re doing.

But you know what?

When you’re feeling upset and this rescue mare bumps her head into you and stays there it hits you right in this spot inside. And I can feel it unwinding stuff in my brain all morning too…it’s that little girl that’s so been lost in me reminding the big girl me that we loved horsies.

I…I used to love that cartoon Wildfire.

We’re done and heading into the greenhouse when I lean over and I hug Brandon and snuggle my face into his shoulder.

“Thanks…”

“It’s okay.”

“I think I got a little bit of the little me back.”

“Yeah…couldn’t see that.”

“Really…?”

“Even if you don’t have them around most little girls love horses.”

“Thanks still…it might have been a bad morning. Ryan getting deployed and Cass away might have had me feeling a little on PTSD edgy.”

“And that’s one of the reasons I’m building the farm up Sam.”

“Oh?”

“Horses and animals are really good therapy animals and these are rescue animals too so if they help people out then so much the better and once it’s really up and running here I want to get kids and therapy workers in here and stuff.”

“Really, I though this was a rescue farm mostly for the animals and the rest to make some money.”

“It is right now and it’ll take time but I want it for at risk kids, or those with disabilities and have it like an animal shelter too so we can have veterinary students here too.”

“So why, I mean I love it but is there a reason why?’

He actually cracks a smile. “Honestly no…there’s been nothing like this anywhere I lived and there’s nothing like this here. It’s actually just me and Ryan and Cass and the others little ideas of stuff that would be cool and I just thought one night…why not…I’m partway there anyways.”

“Brandon….”

“Yeah…?”

“I’m so, so lucky that you’re going to be the father I know you are…”

He stops and has a really rare Brandon blush and I lean in and hug him really tightly. And there’s some happy tears there too.

This…this is the family that our baby will have…how can I not have happy tears?

Bridges 37

Chapter 37

While I’ve been busying myself with studying and catching up on a whole lot of the stuff that I’ve missed since I’ve been off. I’ve still been missing Cass even though we talk nights on the phone and we do other things it’s me just feeling…we just got together I mean really together and it’s like it’s so not been enough really.

I want my girl with me at nights to cuddle up with and do all the newly-wed couple stuff together.

But life’s pretty bound and determined to keep me busy now that I’ve stepped up and sort of declared that I actually want one. First is my therapist, I’ve just gotten a new one and she’s a military contracted therapist for us vets. I’m getting my case shifted from the base shrink to her because she’s in town.

Next in going to the hospital and getting my times lined up for both physio checks and working with the occupational therapy offices there to get me ready for my return to the workforce.

That’s today plus I have an afternoon appointment with the head of nursing for the department and the head of the ER who’ll be my boss there or if I’m in day surgery which could be pretty easily since I’m rated as an OR nurse.

Which will likely have me getting used to things there with the tour of the hospital.

And that might be interesting since I was brought in there with the whole PTSD thing with Brandon.

And I guess like most women I’ve been lying in bed going over my mental lists and all the options of the stuff that I need to do and how I should go about doing it. Like how to dress for the stuff at the hospital? Office ready for the meetings or scrubs?

And what will my new therapist think of either? I know I shouldn’t care but I’m a girl and of course there’s part of me that’s always going to care.

Ugh….have I mentioned before that I think that I live inside my head to much?

I roll over for a few minutes and smell Cass’s pillow and ache inside a little for missing her and then I roll out of bed and go through my early morning rituals. I can smell the coffee going and am glad my perk has an alarm of it and I’m feeling better by the time that I’ve got my teeth brushed and popped my meds, mones and vitamins.

Tim Horton’s home kit coffee smells fill the kitchen as I grab a calcium chew and a quick pre-run energy bite. Whole grain bread and peanut butter that I press some granola into and do a folded over single slice sandwich and I eat a banana while having my first cup of coffee then I go and change into my running gear adding a wind breaker and ball cap plus splash pants to everything since it’s snowing and raining both here right now and then grab my running pack and head out pulling the hood up over my ball cap.

Yes I’m a runner and I need the endorphins, actually it’s a whole lot of stuff…no headphones I like hearing the world around me. I’m not part of the tune it out generation I guess I don’t live or die by my phone either.

It’s wonderfully crappy out it’s that wet yet fluffy snow and just enough of a temperature thing that there’s a little bit of fog and the rain is that just passed mountain drizzle. My hiking boots I’m wearing have studs on them for winter we are close enough to the ocean and the mountains that there are times when it just get cool enough to get slick so in the winter for all it’s lasts here I wear these while running.

It’s still on the edge of dawn too, mornings like this I have the road usually to myself save the odd police car and logging trucks headed off to pick up their loads. Today it’s just me and I run all the way out to the big hill and stop only long enough to have some water and eat my folded over sandwich and then head back and run past my and Brandon’s place. The horses wicker to me from the pole barns outside but don’t run and chase me like they usually do not in this weather.

Still the whinnies are familiar sounds and have that warmth to them like a friendly hey Sam.

I run all the way to the gas station and get a coffee and talk to the bus drivers there a little and buy a bag of apples while I’m there. Slowly, I’m slowly getting to know these sort of neighbours here getting out and meeting the people around here. It’s actually kind of nice not being the tranny up the road but somehow I’m getting more to be me. We talk about the weather and work and of course the roads and even stuff about in the army it’s really just small talk but even with that there’s getting to be slow acceptance. And I find that they’re remembering stuff too more like Dad and Mom.

It’s worth the extra distance to feel this good and make these connections and I’m only in there for a half hour just small doses really and that seems to be working.

I put my apples in my backpack and get a few lottery tickets and scratch cards while paying for my coffee and zip my jacket back up and put my hood up and run back home feeling well cheered and a lot better prepared for the day.

See the coffee pot’s almost down to zilch probably from Brandon being over since I seen his foot prints going to and from his place to mine and I’d head over but I want to get ready and not have to worry about getting cleaned up from the barns beside’s Steve’s likely over there too but Jenny’s coming inside taking off her rubber boots and smiling.

“Mornin Sam.”

I smile I can’t help it she’s got this southern accent from the states from living in this place over near the border that’s like a just as red necked but smaller version of Bountiful. She’s really a sweet girl and down to earth but different enough to have that spark to be okay with people really different than what she was taught to hate.

I put on another pot of coffee and get my travel mug out and fill it with hot water to prime it. And there’s the sound of a car pulling in and Lacey’s getting out with her bag and stuff and it’s an awesome feeling to have family and friends now at my side and having my back after so long in exile.

“Morning Jenny, how’s things?”

“How’s Bobby?”

“He’s real good…” She’s got this really dreamy smile on her face like she…?

“Jennifer!” I put my hand over my chest in that mock shocked like in the movies.

Jenny blushes a deep to the roots of her head red but she’s also swaying from side to side like this about to explode little kid.

“No…it wasn’t that we’re still a awaiting to get married but…” she covers her face in her palms and almost dances.

I open the door for Lacey and take some of her kit boxes she brought with me to give me a make-over for today and grin at her. “Jenny’s got the juicy stuff this morning.”

Lacey looks at her and helps he drag Jenny into the kitchen. “Okay spill farm girl I want to hear this juicy stuff.”

We sort of settle in and Jenny’s all red and embarrassed and she starts telling us about how Bobby went down on her or… “Y’all he went down there a licking and kissin an I thought ma heart was gonna fly outta my chest.”

There’s a lot of laughing and talking and giggling as we make breakfast and have coffee while Lacey is setting up all her stuff. Jenny’s just all completely morning after post orgasm happy and bubbly and Lacey and I crack up laughing as Jenny says.

“Ah so totally get it now Sammy with the whole how two women can be together and stuff, I mean not that I’d want to be with a girl and all of that but if that’s what y’do with Cass ‘n all wow…I can definitely see why the whole lesbian thing can work and all.”

It gets a little raunchy after that with Lacey giving Jenny the skinny on things that lesbians can do in bed and I’m blushing at having done some of them but the expressions on Jenny’s face are kind of priceless and then Lacey get’s even more raunchy as she starts talking about blow jobs and I’ll be frank yeah I joined in too.

But the oral sex and having someone go down on you as a girl…it’s a whole lot more fun being able to do the girl talk stuff when you actually have the right equipment.

And as dirty as we get while we drink coffee and stuff our faces on chocolate chip Eggo waffles with spay on whipped cream and a dollop of strawberry jam since I don’t have any actual strawberries in the house is fun in a way that I never though would be part of my life.

Kind of like getting one of my teenaged should have been boxes ticked off finally.

Lacey does my hair once I’ve showered and she gives me this very nice and clean look. I’m blonde naturally but she gives me a lighter shade of highlights in it and my hair’s always been really straight too but instead of adding the whole cliché body and curls to it which is fine sort of I guess she gives it some body and yet keeps it straight but after a little trim she does it into this fancy sort of two part pony tail.

I like it, sort of business, comfortable and out of my eyes and out of my way in the whole way we nurses tend to like having our hair most of the time.

So I decide to go with a set of scrubs and I have a nice set of black ones, yes they come in all sorts of colors and cuts now but I’m wearing my black ones that have this bright pink trim on them and under that I’m wearing a comfortable but nice set of underwear, women’s Nike sports socks and sneakers. I have no idea whether or not I’ll be doing things at the hospital but comfy footwear is important.

I actually take my spare armed forces jacket without all the insignia’s except for my name tag just to show exactly who I am.

I get hugs and head out in my truck with my purse and shoulder bag and all my papers that I’ll need Lacey’s going to stay and do a make over session with Jenny and stuff so everything’s well there’s nothing left but to do it.

Brandon’s waiting for me by my truck and he smiles and set’s his coffee on the hood and he gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Figured I’d pop over to wish you luck before you took off.”

I give him a tight hug back.

Yeah he’s going to be that dad that waits with our kid by the end of the driveway for the bus dropping everything to do that kind of thing.

Its stuff like that, stuff like this that still has me loving him.

“Thank you, it helps. I actually am nervous.”

“You’re going back out into the real world with all of its bullshit. I’d be nervous too.”

“Gee, thanks.” I still kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tonight? Supper, I’ll fill you in?”

“Sure we’ll go out?”

“No the girls’ll likely want to know too, we can cook.”

“Okay then.”

I get into my truck and pull out and watch him waving me off as he heads inside my place where the girls are at. I like that, the fact that our places are our places and sort of interchangeable.

I take it easy driving into town the roads are too bad but it always pays to be careful and me, I have this old habit from one of my DI’s. Worry a little less how you’re driving and a little more about everyone else…that’s three quarters of the accidents.

I get to the hospital and go and check into the day clinic area where my therapist is. Her name is Dani Whyte and I sort of know her, she did a stint while I was in Afghanistan with some of the wounded when I was first over there and she left way before my incident. It helps though we’ve already sort of got the ice broken and she knows how things were there so the entire session is a bit of catch up for the first half then a potty break and then some more coffee. Her office had a coffee machine and like a lot of us she has do it at home Tim Horton’s coffee.

Hey, they actually set up shop over there and send volunteers over there to bring us a taste of home. It really builds loyalty it’s a little slice of home.

The second half of the session is me going over current events with my incident, Brandon and Cass and everything with them and becoming a parent to be and flashbacking to my abuse and now post SRS and how that’s going and how it feels right up until even this morning, she’s recording it so she can go back through it and build on it like each separate thing as a talking point and the first session is two solid hours long getting that first connection is pretty heavy stuff so it takes awhile.

We even hug afterwards in that women’s social thing and I even mention that even getting to do this is pretty cool to me still…now.

It was a pretty good first meeting.

Then it’s off to the offices of the hospital and checking in with HR…yay paperwork and getting my temporary ID until I can get mine made. It’s the picture ID with the magnetic swipe stuff so it needs to be sent for.

Then it’s off to see the head of nursing. Alexis Masters and we talk as we’re getting the tour. We’re a forty eight bed small teaching hospital that is pretty decent for the size of the town but with everything that we have going on a small little clinic hospital won’t cut it.

Alexis is nice she came to us here from Ontario and she’s not treating me any different than any of the other girls/nurse would. It’s kind of nice though there are a fair number of surprised looks when some of them put two and two together as I’m being introduced to people.

Yep word’s going to spread pretty fast and I suppose maybe some of the looks are normal with a few people checking me out with most of them being the guys and there’s some kind of look me over catty looks from some of the girls/nurses.

I’m being kind of general with that, I should be more pronoun sensitive but really there’s not a whole lot of male nurses here so most people call the nurses the girls. Apparently we have only seven male nurses here but we’re not a really big place so that’s actually a pretty standard ratio but there are other guys working here like all the porters are guys and all the maintenance crew are guys and housekeeping and lab and x-ray are all evenly mixed.

Last stop is the ER where I’ll be spending most of my time and we talk with the crew there and I’m getting the tour to be shown were we keep things. There’s some new toys too that I never got to work with like the hover mat. It’s an inflatable bag that we put under a patient made of rubber covered in nylon and we inflate it with a really fast machine and we try in with one of the porters playing patient and it lets us slide a patient from one bed or stretcher to another with a really easy slide.

There’s a built in warmer we have in the IV fluids room where we can actively keep going several bags warmed up to body temperature if we need them. It’s got four steady baths going and there’s one for blood bags too. We do not microwave blood anymore…yeah I know people actually did used to do that and still do more than likely in some places.

It’s a small hospital but we have a really great bunch of toys and stuff for me to use and even some of the stuff I’m used to working with is a lot smaller. I guess according to the label stickers though a lot of the stuff we have is donated by local industries in town. Well with two mills and logging being still big in the area and we have a small fishing business in town plus a lot of farms and stuff it’s just good sense to make sure your local hospital is doing well.

We’re just about to break and see the cafeteria for lunch when the call comes out over the ambulance scanner.

“Two minutes out! Code one with severe hemorrhaging from a chain saw accident!”

Two minutes is an estimate only the EMT’s arrive and they’re wheeling in some young guy and his leg is a mess. They have him packed and dressed and tied off as best they could and there’s still blood everywhere.

The doctor there hesitates only a minute before rushing with him into trauma and there’s that rush of us going in we’re holding him down because he’s freaking out and writhing from panic meeting adrenaline and here’s where it’s tricky we have to keep him calm, or rather get him calm we have to worry about shock and you can’t give them anything because if he bottoms out anything you gave him to sedate him will drop him even worse.

So I’m there and gripping his hand and asking for his name. One of the EMT’s says James. I go military nurse with him. “James! James! Look at Me!” he’s looking at me and I’ve got his hand and I’m leaning sort of in his face blocking his field of vision. Yeah I’m yelling at him it’s one way to cut through the shock and get his brain to focus on me. And not letting him really see what’s going on is also a good way to get him to calm down…well freak out less. I’ve done this so many times I’ve lost count with soldiers and people back in Afghanistan…its second nature now.

“I’m Sam! You’re going to be okay, we’ve got you.”

“The branches they came up and bound up and bounced the blade back right out….”

“Hey, that happens…look it’s going to be alright.” Maybe…part of me is pissed because this kid’s wearing jeans not chainsaw pants. He was likely limbing that’s the guys that go behind the guys dropping the trees and cut off all th branches…they don’t like wearing the gear because it slows them down since they usually get paid as a percentage of the load.

But now’s not the time to bitch about him being stupid or his boss being stupid.

He tries to look.

“No! No James you keep looking at me…okay?!”

“But…”

“The saw never touched your butt its fine.”

That caused a bunch of nervous laughs from the others and even him. He’s getting a bit blue lipped and it’s just about right in time when we’re getting some saline IV into him and they’re running a blood bag too…actually they give it to me and I keep looking at him. “Keep looking at me James…” I’m putting in the IV for blood and talking and keeping his eye contact as much as possible and the IV’s are on full flow and so’s the blood actually I’m squeezing the bag once it’s hung with my free hand because we do that to get as much blood into the patient as we can until we get them stable enough for the regulars pumps to be good enough and I can tell that they’ve opened the dressing and cleaned it as best they could and looked at the damage. They have to look so surgical will know what’s going on. I smile at him as he’s dropping out of trauma level shock and his lips are getting better looking too after I’ve squeezed to third bag into him. “That’s better mister. You’re doing good.”

I hear them calling for the medivac chopper he needs surgery and we are not the place for this level of trauma surgery so it’s off to Vancouver for James.

Alexis is on the phone and then I hear her cursing. “Mike’s an hour out it’s his weekend off and he was fishing, Lois is off on her maternity and she’s not picking up her phone. Is he stable enough to ship him out with you and the EMT’s on the chopper?” She’s asking the doctor.

“Hopefully we’ll find out I guess.”

“I’ll go too.” I’m saying it without really thinking.

“Sam?”

“I’m flight crew certified still it’s what I did in the forces I’m rated for this still and I’m right here. Beside’s James and I have a good rapport going.”

Alexis looks at me. “Are you sure you’re up to this?”

“Absolutely….”

Oddly enough I’m feeling pretty good about this and she nods. “Looks like you’re starting early Sam.”

The doctor’s looking at me and he’s smiling a bit even though he looks himself a little shaky. He’s done really good but even working ER you don’t see stuff like this and have something this life and death everyday.

“You fly before Doc?’

“No, not like this.”

“You’ll be okay?”

“You did this in the army?”

“Yes three shifts a week for nearly three years and when I wasn’t doing that I was in the surgical tents.”

“Wow…I’m Kelly Miller.”

“I’m Samaritan Chase.”

“Samaritan?”

“Yep, but I use Samantha or Sam just not Sammy okay?”

James looks at me blinking in that glazed over way. “Chase? Wuz your dad a fireman?”

“Yes he was why?”

“He came and got me and a friend off the old town water tower when I was ten…the ladder came off and he came up in the white boxy thing.”

“Cherry picker.”

“Yeah…” He gives me a loopy smile. “Chase’s are awesome.” He drifts off into regular passed out sleep and before long we’re moving gear in tow and the emergency kits and we get James on the Stretcher for the chopper and secured and then I help the doc and get myself ready and we’re lifting off and closing the side hatch door as the hospital drops out and away as we climb and we tilt forward and head out.

We’ll save his life; hopefully we’ll save his leg.

Life’s funny…it seems I’ve started to go full circle.

**Fade out scene to the M.A.S.H. theme music.**

Bridges 38

Chapter 38

It’s a little like PTSD and it’s not.

I’m in the chopper and we’re flying over woods and highways and town after town heading into Vancouver and we’re keeping James stable and yet it’s so slow to me almost on that edge of dreaming while awake.

I can remember feeling like this coming home from Germany after Afghanistan. That being home and on friendly soil but at the same time you’re in a military craft so there’s that echo just by being there of all the stuff I’d been through.

I’ve never had it on a domestic flight. But here I’m in a chopper again with medical personnel and the scent of the gear and the chopper and blood and it’s just on that sort of edge but I’m looking out the window now and then and I’m home and there’s the Pacific right there.

It’s sobering and yet there’s something different enough to this that when we get to Vancouver and I see the city and everything from being up in the chopper it sort of it taking the edge off and replacing it with that zip of flying and that little familiar kick of adrenaline from doing this again and I even smile at seeing a bit of the grounds and stuff for the Winter games as we go past and then there’s that drifting but a controlled drifting feeling as we tip just slightly back as we’re coming in for the landing and we’re soon out of there hunkering low and going with the on site team there getting James into the hospital and on his way into surgery.

I’m surprised that I’m not shaking or anything but at the same time after we hand James off there’s report to give and then there’s the paperwork that I have to fill out and the flight crew does too right after that.

Thankfully the guys on our flight crew know the forms well enough that they are helping me sort out what’s what since these are a whole lot different that the flight forms that we’d have to fill out after the missions back in Afghanistan.

And that’s a wonderful distraction for me and anything that might creep up on me.

One of the security guys here comes over to the nurse’s station where I’m at. “Nurse Chase? Is there a nurse Chase here?”

“I’m Nurse Chase how can I help you?”

“There’s a phone call for you.”

“Oh, okay can you?”

He smiles and he calls to the main desk on his radio and they put the call through to where I’m at after he gives them the extension number.

“Hello, Sam Chase here.”

“I take it we’re not having dinner together?”

Brandon… I can’t help but to smile because one it’s Brandon and two he tracked me down here. You know there is something about that that says a lot about how he looks after me and everything.

“Sorry, they were in a jam and I was there it was just one of those jump in and help do it without thinking about stuff moments.”

“Sam…I think that’s called being a nurse.”

Again that makes me smile and there is I’ll admit this sort of yay me feeling there in doing my job and doing it well and him knowing that.

“Thanks Brandon it’s kind of nice to hear again.”

“Well it would have been cool to see I’d like to see you actually doing stuff again.”

“You will there’s lots of time for that.”

“I know but I just wanted to check in….are you doing okay?” his voice went all soft and caring like back when we were together-together.

“Yeah actually for right now I am….Thanks Brandon it…it really does make a big difference.”

“You’re welcome; I got to look out for both of my baby’s mommy’s y’know.”

Melt…ow in a good way he’s just so…yeah he’s Brandon and he’s just able to do the stuff that he did for me ever since we met.

“You are and that’s just…you know you’re amazing right, there’s not that many guys in the world out there like you.”

“Well that’s true but can you do me a favor?”

“I can try do you need something picked up here?”

“No…you’ve been hitting the books really hard and you and Cass have been apart for too long too for newlyweds.”

“I know but things are busy and Cass is wor….” He cuts me off.

“Cass is right behind you.” I can hear the smile in his voice and I turn around and my girl is there in her RCMP gear and her cell phone is up to her ear and she’s smiling at me and she’s holding flowers in her other hand…

“I…what…”

“Take the rest of the weekend off Sam; spend it with your wife.”

“Brandon…”

“I think this is an awesome idea Sam…I’ve really missed you beautiful…” Cass says over the phone and I can hear her here and I can sort of hear her there with him on another line. And she’s got these tears there in her eyes like she missed me that much.

I’m choking up because…because I missed her too and they did this together and for me and never once in my dreams did I think that this would be something that could happen to me…it’s.

“Okay…Okay…god okay you two…”

“Laters Sam, love you girls.” Oh… (Sniffle)…and he means it so much too.

I hang the phone up and Cass does the same and she walks to me and I walk to her and we meet somewhere in the middle and oh…

Oh…

She stands tip toe and in uniform and she kisses me right there in front of everyone the arm with the flowers around my back and the other hand running just lightly over part of my face and taking some of my hair and tucking it lovingly behind my ear.

I break the kiss and I’m blushing and smiling and yes now I’m happy crying too and Cass is smiling and there’s happy tears there too and I swear that she’s more beautiful than before.

“Cass…you didn’t have to…I mean work?”

“My shift was done; I was just talking when Brandon called me.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah Oh…and my wife is more important to me than a shift.”

I’m blushing. “Cass…god I love you.”

“I love you too Mrs. Chase.”

Mrs. Chase…my name with that right part in front of it and still being the Chase part just kind of adding to it really like icing on the impossible cake.

I fell in love with a girl and she knows everything about me…and married me still and loves me for me despite the amazing mess that I think that I am so much.

I kiss her again and really hungry missing you I need this more than I though deep and she’s kissing me back and I can’t help but to rub her belly a little even through the vest she’s wearing and…and Cass cups a breast right there as we’re kissing making me blush. I move her hand getting even redder and she’s giving me that I want to strip out of my uniform for you look.

“C’mon Sam get the paperwork done so I can take mommy home and treat her right.”

Oh…

“….Okay…” I’m so red as I go back to the nurses station and they’re giving me looks and a few grins and I can’t stop blushing and I can’t stop smiling either.

Bridges 39

Chapter 39

*Before…………

“Oh…”

“Yeah Oh…and my wife is more important to me than a shift.”

I’m blushing. “Cass…god I love you.”

“I love you too Mrs. Chase.”

Mrs. Chase…my name with that right part in front of it and still being the Chase part just kind of adding to it really like icing on the impossible cake.

I fell in love with a girl and she knows everything about me…and married me still and loves me for me despite the amazing mess that I think that I am so much.

I kiss her again and really hungry missing you I need this more than I though deep and she’s kissing me back and I can’t help but to rub her belly a little even through the vest she’s wearing and…and Cass cups a breast right there as we’re kissing making me blush. I move her hand getting even redder and she’s giving me that I want to strip out of my uniform for you look.

“C’mon Sam get the paperwork done so I can take mommy home and treat her right.”

Oh…

“….Okay…” I’m so red as I go back to the nurses station and they’re giving me looks and a few grins and I can’t stop blushing and I can’t stop smiling either.

*And Now…………

The charge nurse looks at me. “Girlfriend?”

“Wife actually.” Oh my god the smile just won’t go away. I take some papers and fan myself a little getting some chuckles.

She grins at me and so do two of the others. “She’s pretty.”

“She’s beautiful but I’m biased.”

They laugh a little. “Lucky girl.”

I sigh. “Yeah…I am…”

One of them gets up and leaves she hadn’t said anything.

“Sorry, Martina’s a bit of a…..y’know.”

“Hey, I live in Bridgeview it’s pretty small and it’s so not Vancouver.”

The Charge nurse nods and she helps me fill out the rest of the stuff that I need to sigh off on and she’s looking at Cass.

“Okay I’m not into women but that’s pretty cool and pretty right on that she came to get you. If I had my guy do that even with us living in town I’d be over the moon.”

“I am over the moon, she’s here working the Olympic detail stuff as a special assignment before going out on maternity so she was in town.”

“Still, very cool.”

“Yeah….and we’ve been apart way too long for us being newly weds.”

“You two are newlyweds? Congratulations!”

I’m grinning again and blushing. “Yeah…”

“Give me a sec before you two take off?”

“Uhm sure?”

I let her go; I can cover while she’s off. I know what it’s like to be stuck at a duty desk and need to pee or something only on base in the field sometimes you had to wait until your shift was done.

I’m so glad I’m not bound for action or active duty for a long while.

I actually answer two room calls and one’s a glass of water and another one is helping an older lady with going to the commode. I know some nurses don’t want to do Geri but its part of the job and it’s more than that for me.

Geriatric patients they’ve been through enough in their lives and as often as not they’ve been through some rough times just with their health before landing into the hospital. There’s a lot of pride there and that keeps taking hit after hit as they get older and some people, family, care workers and yes even nursing staff get jaded about the condition that they’re in.

They can’t help getting older or sick so it’s nothing…it’s less than nothing to put in a little extra effort and let them have some dignity.

Dignity and respect heal people too.

The lady at the commode smiles at me. “Thank you missy you’re new.”

“I’m just filling in ma’am.”

She smiles and watches me when she’s finished and I get a wash cloth done with some soap and water and pass it to her. She looks at me then takes it. “Oh thank you honey.”

“No problem, sometimes a little dab with the toilet paper it isn’t the same is it.”

“No, no it’s not.”

I help her up and dressed and then we walk back to her bed. I set her on the edge to her chair by the bed and give it a check and it’s dry but I shake out her sheets and see her can of powder there. I give it a little shake onto the sheets and then help her into bed.

“You need anything else ma’am?”

“No honey and its Daphne.”

“It’s lovely to meet you Daphne I’m Sam.”

“Thank you Samantha, you do it the old way…i...i was really nice.”

“Well you’re welcome I don’t mind at all besides they’re a fan of old school nursing in the forces.”

“You were an army nurse?”

“I still am I’m doing regular nursing while I’m off and getting treatment.”

“It’s bad isn’t it, my husband never talked about it.”

“It was but I’m okay, I’m getting better at being better.”

She sits up and she offers her hand to me and I swear as I shake hands with her that I can see that WW2 dressed young lady giving me that kind of soft and yet no bullshit handshake that women used to give each other back then.

“You have a good night then missy and god bless.”

I can’t help but to lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek.

“I will and I hope I get to see you again.”

I leave and let her settle back in and I come back to the station and the charge nurse in back and she looks at me. “Where’d you go?”

“Oh I had a few bells so I took them while you guys were busy.”

“You…If I could steal you away for here I would.”

“It was just a potty trip and some water.”

“It’s still appreciated.”

I smile. “All good here now?”

“Yes, thanks so much…cabbage roll casserole from the kitchen tonight.”

I pull a face. “Yuck, thanks they’re still serving that?”

She pulls a face too and nods.

“Okay I’m off my number for my phone’s there if you all need me for anything else.”

“Okay you have fun!”

I head out of the nurses station and meet up with Cass and I smile when she smiles and we grab a hand and we lace our fingers together as we head to the elevators. As soon as we’re in there we’re alone and she turns to me and she steps right up close to me and she kisses me.

I missed her.

I missed her touch and her feel, her presence and the smell of her.

We kiss over and over and we get about two floors before someone else gets on and I think that they got themselves an eyeful of nurse and cop making out.

No one says anything though and they both a man and a woman sort of steadfastly ignore us all the way down to the lobby staring at the front of the elevator the whole time and trying not to look back.

We slip past them as Cass pulls me out and around them and she has that grin as she turns back to them and says. “Hot nurses right? Wadda do?”

The guy gets this stupid guy grin on his face and the woman looks scandalized and shocked and we are out of there and heading to the parking area both of us giggling like a pair of teenagers.

I’m breathless by the time we get to the cruiser and she’s laughing too. “God Cass that was fun!”

“Yeah I know…I love getting to do stuff like that, especially in uniform it really gets them going.”

“You’re bad.”

“I know I am.” Cass steps up again and she kisses me harder and then one of her hands is cupping my breast and gently kneading me through the thin scrubs I’m wearing and another is between my legs rubbing me thought them and my panties.

“Cass…oh…ff….”

“Yeah exactly what I was thinking.”

“Here?”

“Uhm…no way too many cameras here unless you’re into…”

“No!...take me back to your place.”

“Yes Mommy…” Oh I know she calls me that in the loving way a lot but this time it was sexy and cute and she bites her lower lip.

I bite my lip and roll us around switching positions and kiss her and even though it’s a tight fit I slip both my hands under her vest and cup her amazing breasts.

I’m well rewarded by the inhale of her breath; her nipples are rock hard already like she’s been very worked up the whole time.

“Ohhhh….Sam…sh…N..nn..no, I gotta drive.”

“Okay….” I squeeze her boobs a little.

“Noooo…I…I’m not having my cruiser smell like pussy…please…wait…”

I stop but I’m laughing hard at that.

“What’s so funny?” She asks.

“I was just picturing the look on the face of the person who gets you ride on the next shift.”

“Sam!” Cass squeals and turns red.

I get girly wood.

Seriously, busty blonde RCMP officer in all her gear breasts in my hands and turning this embarrassed red color and sort of sexually flushed too…shy, sex, cop….I kiss her again hard then break it.

“Take me to your place Cass; please let’s get out of here.”

She nods and we kiss again and it’s an effort to separate from each other and getting into the cruiser.

I’ve never been in the front of one of these things before, there’s a lot of stuff up here.

“Is it okay if I’m up here?”

“Yeah, I don’t have the shotgun up here and I’m with you so it’s okay.”

We pull out and we’re not long driving to her place which is this motel actually with a lot of cars and trucks with government plates and stuff with what looks like official Olympic stuff there and a couple of RCMP cruisers.

“They have you all put up here?”

“Actually they have all of us and staff and stuff here in like four of these places. And it’s actually a pretty nice place for a motel.”

“Really?”

“Good vending machines and stuff in the Laundromat here and cable and wireless.”

She’s leading me by the hand to her room and opens the door and grabs the do not disturb sing and slips it on the outside and she starts to kiss me as she shuts the door.

My hands are actually shaking with excitement as we kiss and I’m taking off her things and…

Okay…I’m getting to strip a RCMP officer out of her uniform and her gear and that is so incredibly sexy a thing.

There is something that just…it’s so sexy right, that gets me right in my libida when the sound of her vest hits the floor with a thump…then her gunbelt with a heavy thud and then we’re at the bed and I stop once we’re down to her in just her service shirt but it’s unbuttoned and I can see her wearing this sexy and hot Victoria secret bra and panties under her work clothes and then she looses the bra and it’s those amazing breasts just teasing me under her Mountie shirt and the hints of her belly and I slip out of my scrub bottoms and pull off my top and sit her on the corner of the bed and start kissing down her body until I’m in front of her on my knees but standing on then high so it’s the perfect angle to kiss and do other things.

Bridges 40

Chapter 40

*Before…

“Oh…”
“Yeah Oh…and my wife is more important to me than a shift.”
I’m blushing. “Cass…god I love you.”
“I love you too Mrs. Chase.”

*Then…

She’s leading me by the hand to her room and opens the door and grabs the do not disturb sing and slips it on the outside and she starts to kiss me as she shuts the door.

My hands are actually shaking with excitement as we kiss and I’m taking off her things and…

Okay…I’m getting to strip a RCMP officer out of her uniform and her gear and that is so incredibly sexy a thing.

*And Now…

There is something that just…it’s so sexy right, that gets me right in my libida when the sound of her vest hits the floor with a thump…then her gun belt with a heavy thud and then we’re at the bed and I stop once we’re down to her in just her service shirt but it’s unbuttoned and I can see her wearing this sexy and hot Victoria secret bra and panties under her work clothes and then she loses the bra and it’s those amazing breasts just teasing me under her Mountie shirt and the hints of her belly and I slip out of my scrub bottoms and pull off my top and sit her on the corner of the bed and start kissing down her body until I’m in front of her on my knees but standing on them high so it’s the perfect angle to kiss and do other things.

I kiss her belly making her giggle and then I kiss lower and lower and reach up and run my fingers under the leg bands of her panties and I knee walk and guide her to the corner of her bed and she sits down and I pull her panties off as she does.

“Oh Sam…oh I’ve missed this…”

“Me too Cass, god I’ve missed touching you…I’ve missed the way that you smell and taste.”

With the taste I dip down and I use my thumbs to pull her labia open and I sink my face into her rich and sexy smelling pussy.

(Blush)… okay yeah even thinking and calling it that still makes me blush I’m still sort of a not very dirty minded girl.

I did miss this and her and her scent…actually her skin way more that the sex thing but it sounds a lot more sexual this way and I sort of want to be sexy for her.

I will say even if my vagina is surgical and not biological it really is a much more accurate a guide at being with another woman than what I did know. Lick and nibble and I use my lips…do the pouty kiss sort of thing and use the space…the line of where your lips meet to sort of be this soft tracing thing for her labia.

Yes there is vaginal foreplay; you just don’t drive your tongue in.

I use my lips like that too to tease her upright clitty…it’s just enough to touch all feather light with my lips and I try something else too.

I say it softly right inside her and sort of right over her clitty. “So sexy, such a sweet and pretty clitty…such a perfect pussy.” I’m not a fan of me saying anything sort of huskily since it’s taken me a good while to drop my guy voice since I’ve started but there’s just enough there that I’m going for a velvet purr? But breathy and on purpose breathy like me trying to exhale my body hot breath on her little nubbin as I say it.

I’m not sure if she’s having a physical response to it or one to me doing it but she does this breathy little body quiver and she runs her fingers though my hair and hangs onto my scalp.

Guys…girls…they all kind of tend to do this sometimes during oral sex.

Or rather during good oral sex.

Hey I’m guilty of that too even.

I get in there and kiss and lick and I explore with the tip of my tongue and I play around inside of Cass trying to find all those sexual nerves that women are supposed to have and that are in some of the things that I’ve learned by looking up the female sexual nervous system.

You can find amazing things online really.

Hey, I want to be a good wife and a good lover so I did a little research.

And like anyone Cass has different reactions to me doing different things but some of those places definitely work.

And I use my fingers too…there’s room enough really if you take care enough to slip a finger in there too past your face and to touch and tickle and rub and finger…while you lick and kiss and drink her sexy sweet offerings.

Cass really likes it when I have the pad on my right index finger rubbing back and forth over one side of her while my wet and slick tongue works on the other.

I mean really likes it and she’s pretty vocal and it’s really amazing to be able to get her moving like that and sounding like that and I get seriously into multitasking as I slip my left down and into myself…I’m that hot and I’m that worked up that I’ve started getting decently damp myself.

It takes some doing but I can get sexy-damp.

Then we slowly get up further and further on the bed as she backwards crawls up there and I’m down there until she has a few really good hip bucking and heaving ones and she’s crying out.

“Kiss me…kiss me please Sammy and play with my boobies…they’re so achy…”

“Mine too…they missed your hands Cass.”

It’s true too. Cass is the absolute best lover when it comes to my breasts. There’s just no substitute for a woman that loves and cares for you doing things to you. Cares is the big thing too since Cass is three times the lover that Tanya ever was and twice the woman.

I slide up her and we shift over too our sides and I kiss with her and I reach out and I feel and touch her awesome breasts. It’s still so new to me to have them in my hands and under my touch…I have my own yes and I’ve had lots of fun with them too but this, this is entirely different and Cass has breasts that guys dream of and jerk off to pictures of and they’re all mine…or at least until the baby comes.

It’s all of that and more as Cass’s hand slides down me…I get this little vaginal twitch too when she does that…just the sensation of her fingers sliding down my stomach and over my own vagina mound and then rubbing me…there’s nothing in the way, there’s just everything as it should be and that might be a like transitional fetish thing on my part but her fingers doing that with that uninterrupted feeling does something for me.

And then god her fingers are inside of me and…and she does that thing…her middle two fingers are riding and sliding over my clitty and they space between her index and baby fingers fit into my folds and they tease and rub both sides of them and the feeling is so big.

It’s not like getting filled by a huge thing but it’s all this multiple stimulation and add in this pleasing yay pussy bump when her fingers are out but the meat of her palm is pressing into me.

I gasp, I moan, I sex grunt like a woman tennis player hitting the ball as she’s literally fucking me gently-hard…it is both…she’s not pressing those fingers hard into me but there’s my clitty being exposed to the space between her middle two fingers…the whole length od that space both in and out and with the rough but not rough make me cum on her hand…the bumps of her knuckles.

Cass makes me ride her hand, buck my hips and break out in that sweet intense sex-sweat that I’ve only ever had a few times.

I love Brandon and he’s awesome but he’s not this, Cass is the best lover I’ve ever had in my life and when she’s not sucking on my breasts and I’m not sucking on hers where kissing with sexy lipstick over lipstick tasting of her…and our breasts are pressed together.

And with the romance of her doing that whole showing up at the hospital thing and she being so amazing like that and the adrenaline of the whole thing at the hospital. I’m so on fire sexually right now it’s amazing.

How amazing?

It’s one of those times that transition and transgendered or not I lose all of that and I’m just Sam…Cass’s wife, her girl.

And we finish off with my reaching down and copying her touch and we’re pressed together and kissing over and over like our lives are depending on it and when we’re not kissing we’re crying but in a good way and our foreheads are pressed together and we’re staring into each other’s souls.

We finish just by kissing and licking our fingers clean and cuddle…god cuddling is sooo much better as a lesbian…all flushed from sex ad sort of stoned from our afterglow we settle in and Cass slips her leg over mine and settles her thigh in my vee and I love that soft there feeling I slip my leg that’s under her now up and in a little further and we’re doing this sort of pregnancy pillow cuddle and she pulls off her uniform shirt and reaches into her nightstand in an impressive but momentary contortion and she has one of those Lindt chocolate bars and she share in it and have these chocolate and sweet and sext kisses before we snuggle into each other’s arms and we fall asleep.

……………………Okay we don’t stay sleeping like that since while it’s amazing to fall asleep like that and snuggle it’s a whole other thing to actually sleep like that. I could only imagine how it would look with both of us with our arms and legs all asleep in different ways.

I wake up spooned with her and its still awesome. I just move enough to put my face into her shoulder and her hair and just close my eyes again and just breathe her scent in.

She hasn’t been gone that long at all but by god I’ve missed this.

I’ve missed having someone for my heart to curl up with.

I don’t say a word and I just lay there with her in my arms and I just fall a little deeper as I go over everything that we’ve done together and been through together and even the bad stuff, the way we met. Even that was good.

And I can’t help but to smile because one arm is underneath her and it’s so definitely asleep.

Every little thing makes me smile right now and yeah it could be still the afterglow happy endorphins but I’m just really happy.

Cass yawns and she rolls over and she looks at me with sleepy eyes. “Morning wife.”

I give her an Eskimo kiss and then a real one. “Morning wife.”

We both smile at each other.

Kiss again.

There’s a belly gurgly sound coming from her and she blushes and I slip down and kiss her tummy. “Morning baby.”

Cass plays with my hair a little and she does this little cute voice for the baby. “Mornin Mommy.” It makes my heart do a flip and a dip in a yay happy good way.

It’s sappy and stuff but I don’t care.

After seeing the stuff I have and living through it sappy and corny and stuff is completely okay with me.

It might sound selfish but I bled for this life.

And no I’m not mad or sad I’m actually happy. And I know I can’t hear anything yet but I put my ear to her belly anyway and I stoke Cass’s tummy and I sing to them.

“I love your eyes.”
“I love your nose.”
“I love you fingers and tiny toes…”
“I love your precious ways…”
“You give me happy days…”
“My sweet little one I love you so…”

Cass looks down at me and she’s got tears in her eyes. (Sniffle) “Aww…where did you learn that?”

I smile at her and turn my head and kiss her fingers as she reaches down and plays with my hair. “I memorized it from a baby book I got from online. This Marlene Rosen wrote it and someone put it online and I liked some of the things in there.”

“You know how awesome that is that you are doing that?’

I blush but I smile and I slide up and wrap my arms around her and I kiss her sweetly and gently. “You know how awesome it is that we’re having a baby?”

Cass leans into me and we kiss and then we just hug and we hold each other. I love holding her and being held by her and like this it’s me and her and baby.

That’s just absolutely amazing when you think about it.

Her belly makes another sound and we laugh. I look at her. “You hungry?”

“Oh god yes!”

“You feel up to going out to eat?”

“Yes!”

“Okay where?”

“Ohana’s”

“Ohana’s?”

“Yeah I want fried spam and eggs.”

I laugh. “Okay…Spam?”

“Fried spam and eggs…it’s Hawaiian.”

“Okay…I’ve never had Hawaiian food before but we’re in Vancouver so it makes sense why not.”

“Yay!” Cass kisses me and she drags me by my fingers to the shower. “We’ll go out and eat then I’ll show you around the Olympic village.”

“Sounds awesome.”

Actually it does. I’m as Canadian as the next girl and when the Winter Games are here in my country it’s a big deal and here in my home province it’s really cool but I’d never have thought that I’d get to go to them or to see it backstage as it were.

And I’m with Cass…and the baby and last night.

I step into the shower with her and I hug here again. “You’re amazing y’know.”

“I am?”

“Yeah with the chopper and everything it all could have flooded back on my after everything calmed down but it didn’t. And that’s you…”

“Sam……”

I tilt her head up and I kiss her.

“Thank you for loving me Casey Chase.”

Bridges 41

Chapter 41

*Before…

And I’m with Cass…and the baby and last night.

I step into the shower with her and I hug here again. “You’re amazing y’know.”

“I am?”

“Yeah with the chopper and everything it all could have flooded back on my after
everything calmed down but it didn’t. And that’s you…”

“Sam……”

I tilt her head up and I kiss her.

“Thank you for loving me Casey Chase.”

*And Now…

We get dressed and head out and it’s actually one of the things that I like about winter. That it’s winter. It’s just not the same in a lot of places and I know I’m lucky living out here in British Columbia and not freezing my butt off every winter like so many other parts of the country.

I like winter because I can dress the part too.

And my clothes are here…or some of them.

Because I’m staying the weekend here with Cass and because at some point last night when Cass and I were together and everything was just awesome Brandon drove all the way down here to drop me off a bag of my things.

And then he drove back.

We got a wake-up call from the front desk and there they were and him gone headed back home.

There was just this note in Brandon’s handwriting that says. “Have a good weekend girls.”

I really, really do love him.

I mean he’s just.

He’s going to be a great father I think.

I wear a tee-shirt but a cream fluffy sweater over it and these nice faun brown corduroys and some wool socks and my hiking boots. Some girls are all into those Ugg boots but I just can’t they remind me of the space boots that we had in elementary school back when I was a kid.

Or a boot liner.

I think that they can look like boot liners sometimes too.

Cass goes with her jeans and a tee-shirt from the Olympics and a Team Canada hockey jersey and a cute knit hat with ear flaps and her jacket and we head out and we actually walk it.

It’s really not that cold out even for winter here and it’s kind of grey and heavy out but it’s still just pretty nice I mean it’s just the weather is actually a little too warm and humid. Not exactly the best thing for the Winter Olympics but it’s okay.

Because cutting through town with Cass is…

Holding hands and it’s The Winter games and it’s right on the heels of Christmas and New year’s and everyone’s still in a kind of a good mood from the holidays and there lots of people around and all sorts of different people around and tourists and stuff.

We get a lot of looks two grown women holding hands and if there were questions about if we’re together or not they’re answered when Cass and I kiss at the lights while we’re waiting for the lights so we can cross.

But by and large the looks are actually accompanied with smiles.

It’s about a half hour walk to get to Ohana’s but that was fine, more that it’s time with me and her and it’s nice to just go for a walk together even if we are going someplace.

It’s actually in the back of a building off the main part of the street so it can take advantage of the parking lot next door and I see a lot of vehicles from the base and some with just the plate markers and it looks like the place might be a military place.

Hey with the military presence here there’s bound to be some places that are favored by the forces.

That’s alright by me.

The outside is nice the awning is brushed aluminum like for those old airstream trailers and in that design and there’s some stuff painted in decals in the windows like a hula dancer and palm trees.

There are signs.

Bottomless coffee for vets and servicemen.

$5.00 Buy a soldiers breakfast…. That leaves a lump in my throat… “Pay a toonie and buy a breakfast for vet or serviceman.”

Even in Canada…there are vets here that fall through the cracks and there are some that end up on the streets and Vancouver for all its great points because it’s so warm it’s the homeless capital of Canada.

It’s something that you don’t think you’ll think about or face going into the service when you sigh up.

We head inside and it smells amazing and it’s packed and I see just lots of regular people and there are some guys that yeah they look like they could be on the streets but they’re sitting with some of the regulars and some of the troops and I look at Cass.

“Did you?”

“Some of the other Mounties and security guys have served and recommended it hon…are you okay? It’s not triggering anything is it?”

“No…but dammit if I’d know this was here I’d been making this a stop every time I came to the city.”

“So…good?”

I nod. “Very good.”

We have to wait to get a booth and we’re both blushing as the four guys are from the states in navy uniforms and they finish up fast when they noticed us before the waitress did and they actually got up and offered the booth to Cass and me and bussed it to boot.

“Ladies….” Was said with a smile.

Yep…blushing and getting that mannerly treatment from four guys with uniforms on is just.

And yes there are American troops in Vancouver a fair amount. It’s not uncommon to see them here because of some reason to be docked even if it’s just to pick something up or to do maneuvers and stuff like that so you can see them here or even on base a lot despite there being their own right across the border.

We settle in and Cass and I get the menus from the little holder and start to look through the menus and I really don’t know about some of this stuff. I mean they have it all spelled out what things are but the stuff it some of these things seems a bit different to me.

The girl comes around to take our orders and I do like that she open’s with Oloha.

She looks at us both but when she sees my tags she kind of changes. It’s that look that you get from people who actually give a damn about if you served or not.

Y’know….there are days when someone will do that and it’s actually worth it.

And something inside me that is always looking inside at the stuff I’ve seen actually stops and looks away if even for a few minutes.

And I get why this place is packed even more.

Cass orders fried spam and sunshine eggs and she has a side of coconut taro and I order something called the Bacon Moko-loko and we both get an order of toast with the house made marmalade.

I like marmalade; I’ve liked it ever since I was little and found out that Paddington bear liked it.

The food comes and Cass’s indeed has fried spam…its several slices that have been cut into triangles and it looks like something like fried bologna. It smells okay though. And her eggs are this big pile of scrambled eggs and they smell good.

Ask anyone in the services about scrambled eggs and they will tell you that one…they hate them and never want to see them again or that they’re really fussy on how they like their eggs.

These are actually scrambled with some chopped hot peppers and I think green onion but there’s pineapple chunks in there.

I snag a forkful before Cass commits egg-murder by slathering them in ketchup.

Alone they’re not too bad actually they taste like a mix of sweet and savory. Actually that whole thing you find sometimes in Asian food and especially when they’re dealing with like eggs.

When I was on leave in Thailand I had these great coconut eggs.

Not like sweet but they had like real fresh coconut and it was cooked first of something then the eggs were added and it wasn’t sweet or savory but right there in that middle. These are kind of like that but in a different way and would be good if Cass hadn’t just drowned them in ketchup.

It’s not a craving either it’s something she does period.

On her fries and onion rings and with steak (bleah) it’s just something that Cass does.

“I don’t know how you can eat that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Ketchup.”

“Ketchup’s good for you it’s a vegetable.”

“Ketchup’s not a vegetable.”

She’s grinning and smearing a triangle of spam into the ketchup with her fork. “That all depends on where you’re from hon.” And then she almost gleefully stuffs the dripping mass in her mouth.

“You have so much on the plate I can smell the vinegar from here.”

“Mmmm…yeah, my second favorite kind of chip.”

“What is?”

“Salt and Vinegar.”

“Ick.”

“No…yummy you want to know my favorite?”

“Gee I don’t know…ketchup?”

“Actually no…smoky bacon, not the sour cream and bacon either but smoky bacon like you’d get from humpty dumpty.”

“Oh okay yum…actually my dad used to love those and he’d even cook with them?’

Cass looks at me raising her eyebrows but paying attention. She does that a lot when I talk about my family.

Really, there is so much more to our relationship than I think even I thought about or imagined that I’d have.

“Cook with them?”

I nod. “He’d take them and grind them up really fine and then he’d add a little shake and bake mix to them and use it all as a coating for his smoky fried chicken.”

“Ohmigawd that sounds so good! You’ll make that for us when we get home right?”

I smile. “I’ll try it’s one of those dad things though.”

She smiles. “Yeah my mom can’t make doughnuts anywhere good as my dad does. It drives her nuts and of course he won’t write down the recipe.”

I smile and my food comes and it’s Bacon Moko-Loko and it’s a trio of spam slices each with a slice of bacon wrapped around them and fried until crispy and two scoops of steamed rice on the side of it and topped with a runny yolked sunny side up egg and then there’s red-eye gravy drizzled over that.

I don’t hate stuff like spam it’s actually something I never really had growing up and stuff so it’s just different but I like red-eye gravy the few times I’ve had it and I’ve been around enough that the rice isn’t that abnormal to me. Actually it’s the rice that makes it for me. It’s just plain white steamed rice and it’s just starchy enough to offset the salty flavor from the rest of the stuff and then there’s the runny yolk.

I like a runny yolk, always have. I think it goes back to family things. Mom liked a soft boiled egg and toast soldiers and dad used to do a really nice poached egg every now and then. There wasn’t actually a whole lot of sugary cereal in the house really.

Cass is making a face. “Ugh…I don’t know how you can eat that…”

“What?”

“Snotty eggs they’re gross.”

“I like them and they’re cooked. They’re just not over done.”

“Runny isn’t cooked Sam, noses run.”

“Ha-ha funny.”

She has that look on her face and I’m right in the middle of a nice forkful when she says. “Bowels run Sam.”

I have to stop chewing for a minute and it’s not because I’m grossed out I’m a battle field nurse but it’s to breathe and keep from losing my food from laughing and it’s hard to do because a couple of people turned and looked at her and well it’s kind of a military hang out so instead of being grossed out there’s a few thumbs up and some grins and some poor guy’s getting hid back pounded on because he’s choking on his coffee.

She’s kind of twisted and she’s funny and she’s beautiful and she’s just so damned easy to love.

Not to mention just how frigging awesome it is to have someone like that to love and that loves me back.

Even with me being transgender.

The ex…yeah she’d never get that and I know a few others too that would be less than happy about Cass and me being together.

I swallow that mouthful and wipe off my mouth and take a long rinsing drink of my coffee.

“You almost wore that missus.”

“Nope, you wouldn’t.”

“And how do you know?”

She does this sort of Sandra Bullock impression that she loves to do. It’s from Miss Congeniality and she’s smiling and leaning over the table.

“Because you looooooove me…you think I’m special….you want to kiss me….”

I lean over the rest of the way and give her a long, sweet, deep over and over again kiss in front of everyone.

I don’t stop for the ketchup.

And I don’t stop for the spoons being tapped on the table over and over either.

They could be a lot more…

But they’re not.

Not even the U.S. people here.

I served with enough; I’ve seen people hook up even being the same sex.

There’s DADT yeah sure….and that sucks but sometimes in the field life gets to those times when you just need someone…so there’s a lot more people in the forces that are willing to just not throw a hissy fit over things than some of the non-military people.

But troops don’t get to make policy.

Sorry…my soap box…stuff I’ve seen.

Canadian, American I don’t care what country I personally think that unless you served you shouldn’t get a say in military policy…makes about as much sense as old fifty year rich guys making decisions on women’s health.

Yeah likely more on that sometime….Cass easily pulls those thoughts away from my brain and back into the kissing as she leans in more and does one of those things that she does with her tongue that makes my nipples harden as my brain fires off an oh yes please!

We break the kiss and she’s grinning at the people there and I’m blushing, like seriously blushing because I’m not that open and yet kissing her first seemed like such the good idea….but I’m still pretty shy most of the time.

Cass…Cass isn’t.

And watching her talking to people and shaking hands with then just striking up a conversation I’m pretty sure that I need her…I mean I kind of know me and I kind of know the way I act because of stuff that happened and Cass, she won’t let me hide away…it’s just.

I’m lucky to have her.

The waitress comes by and she is doing the check upon the old school hand written receipt book. I nod to her. “I’ll get that….and that buy a vet’s breakfast…” I take my purse and look in my wallet and I give her all my twenties…it’s like a hundred and forty and It’s going to really tap me out but I’m comfortable, I have a home and family and I can actually afford to be a little uncomfortable for a while.

She looks at me and she nods and she smiles at me "Yes Ma'am." and Cass looks at the cash and she doesn’t freak out or say anything except to kiss me again lightly but sweetly.

She breaks the kiss and she gives me that smile…that I love you in her eyes and take your breath away smile.

“God I love you Samaritan Chase.”

I smile and blush and there’s almost tears there from that because I’ve never heard a woman, never heard anyone use my full name and love in the same sentence.

It’s not Samantha but she made it sound like it…it kind of feels like this sweet little impact in my heart.

Her…my name but as a girl…as a woman and she’s telling me she loves me.

Bridges 42

Chapter 42

*Before…

She looks at me and she nods and she smiles at me "Yes Ma'am." and Cass looks at the cash and she doesn’t freak out or say anything except to kiss me again lightly but sweetly.
She breaks the kiss and she gives me that smile…that I love you in her eyes and take your breath away smile.
“God I love you Samaritan Chase.”
I smile and blush and there’s almost tears there from that because I’ve never heard a woman, never heard anyone use my full name and love in the same sentence.
It’s not Samantha but she made it sound like it…it kind of feels like this sweet little impact in my heart.
Her…my name but as a girl…as a woman and she’s telling me she loves me.

*And Now…

There’s such a really great moment too with just the two of us standing there in our sort of own little world and kissing.

Well it’s not really our little world but just one of those really good times when it feels like that.

And not caring who is watching us and stuff is really nice considering it’s been a thing that I’ve been fighting ever since I was put on leave and had started to come out and into my transition. There’s always been someone that had a problem with it in some way I guess.

It’s taken a long, long time for me to get from there to here.

I kiss Cass again and we sort of kiss-cuddle with her belly-bump touching me and there’s this wave of contentment that comes over me all mixed up with this sweet deep love.

“C’mon Sam I’ll show you around there’s some cool stuff going on.”

“I’d really like that.”

We hold hands and we walk it’s not that far really we’re just sort of in the down town but not the big sky rise down town part but the older and re-built part of downtown…gentrified they call it but it’s a lot of the old brickers and warehouses refurbished and re-purposed and it’s the Olympic spirit everywhere.

I really love it and I’m getting little knick-knacks and stuff.

I’m right on that end of The Crazy-Canucks generation…that’s our famous ski team that we had and dad was so into the winter games and stuff too. When it came around and it was on TV and stuff it was pretty much the only thing on TV.

That and Smith & Smith, 4-on-the-floor…and all of those things.

I’m a girl from the plaid shirts in high school with work boots because it was cool…eight track and the adapters for the cassettes.

So…yeah…Armed Forces after all of that I love my country.

And there’s a lot of great stuff that’s only put out now at the Olympics and we don’t host it that often either so yeah I’m buying the drinking glasses and the bobble heads and we both get jerseys for the Hockey teams…both the men’s and the women’s teams.

The men’s team ones the nylon really baggy ones they make really great sleep shirts for around the house.

Polar bear stuffies and moose and hockey pucks and stuff and we do some other shopping too because I’m getting a few things, we’re getting a few things for Brandon.

I’m back to work…and as Cass told me when she took out her visa card. “We’re a double income family now hon, we can spend some just to actually enjoy ourselves.”

It took me a minute to clue into that that and to let her use her card and for me to not think and choose things for the first time.

Actually for the first time in my life really, we didn’t lack for stuff home but also I like as in myself being an armed forces nurse on disability leave…money got tight. And I was lucky that mom and dad’s house and stuff was there and paid off because if I had to do that and rent and stuff.

So enjoying it, having even a little bit of this, like this is pretty cool.

I kiss her as she gets some sweats and has the bag and I smile at her. “This, this was really cool but…”

“But?”

“Bills, pre-school, class trips, college…”

She smiles and she kisses me. “We’ll make do; we’re a three parent family as well as a two person house hold.”

I bite my lip after she kisses me.

Okay…and it is.

Brandon’s not one of those guys, he’s our double best friend outside of each other and we both love him a lot and he loves us a lot and he won’t be one of those people that would just walk away from this stuff happening.

And I've seen the look in his eyes. He wants to be a dad.

And that makes me smile.

And get a little wistful as we walk back to the car and we get in. Cass is driving and pregnant or not she still smiles at me sweetly and she gets my door for me.

“Cass…you don’t have to.”

“I know but I want to y’know. I’ve got this amazing wife and I want to spoil her sometimes.”

“Well when you put it that way….okay.”

It is cool and it is romantic and stuff too and no I don’t need it but it’s really damned nice.

Yeah I’m still even now getting used to nice.

She drives and she looks at me. “Sam? You were kinda quiet back there what’s up?”

“Thinking about the baby and us but Brandon and stuff and it just sort of came out in this whole feeling and stuff of how much my mom and dad would have just loved this, I mean I’m pretty sure with like the stuff I remember they’d be okay with me transitioning but Mom could only have me…I think that they would have been really thrilled about us and us having the baby.”

She smiles at me. “Good, I think that’s awesome.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, because that’s normal and stuff it’s normal to want family and to share things like this with them and stuff.”

“Like your folks?”

“Yes like my folks and they’re talking about coming out to be around while I’m off and the baby is coming.”

“You okay with that?” I ask because well it’s family and you kind of have to ask. I mean I know that she’s okay with them and stuff because of Christmas and the wedding and stuff but that’s very different than having them come and stay with us and stuff.

She looks at me. “They will not be living at the house; I’m far too much in love with my wife to not get intimate with her. I’m not dodging my folks.”

“So where are they going to stay?”

“We’ll talk that over with them after I’m off, but they’re not staying with us not with jenny still living with us thank god.”

I laugh. “Not looking forward to it?”

“No…Sam, there’s relationships with parents and kids and then there’s trying to have a lesbian relationship with your het mother.”

“So?”

“So it is really, really more than uncomfortable.”

“You two don’t talk about it.”

“We talk about the relationship stuff sure but not the sex and that sort of deeper but intense sort of stuff…that I actually sort of save for my dad.”

“I though lesbian stuff and guys was kind of forbidden?” I grin because I’m kind of joking; it is sort of this joke in the lesbian community or a joke-stereotype.

She grins back. “It is, I mean a lot of women into women go way overboard with the penis hate…I don’t hate penis bearing people and stuff and I don’t blame them for the ills of the world…my dad is my dad and he’s been in the longest and most stable relationship with a woman I know so yeah I talk with him.”

I love that fact that Cass is talking happily about that, like that.

I’ve known other lesbians and stuff like the ex that were so much otherwise.

It’s one of the things I love about her.

I mean she loved me for me and she loved me pre-op as a woman loving and falling in love with another woman.

And I’ve been a long, long time in getting here and finding a soul like hers.

I’m smiling and we head out from town and head to the Olympic village compound and it’s way more than cool when we avoid the car lines and the parking hassles and the lines when we pull up to an alternate gate and she shows her ID and gets me signed in.

There some designated parking and we’re pretty close to the security station or one of them and she waves to the guys who wave back and we get our jackets and scarves and team Canada toques and she takes my arm in hers and we head off towards the pavilions.

Bridges 43

Chapter 43

*Before…

I mean she loved me for me and she loved me pre-op as a woman loving and falling in love with another woman.

And I’ve been a long, long time in getting here and finding a soul like hers.

I’m smiling and we head out from town and head to the Olympic village compound and it’s way more than cool when we avoid the car lines and the parking hassles and the lines when we pull up to an alternate gate and she shows her ID and gets me signed in.

There some designated parking and we’re pretty close to the security station or one of them and she waves to the guys who wave back and we get our jackets and scarves and team Canada toques and she takes my arm in hers and we head off towards the pavilions.

*And Now…

Okay I will admit that I’m not just happy or just content but I’m kind of excited too about getting to go into the whole Olympic pavilion area. I know it’s open to the public but like so much of everything there’s being allowed to and actually getting to go.

I always treat it like the beach. I love the beach everything about it right down to even the damp and grey and stormy days but even with it not being that far from home it’s been a long time since I’ve actually gone.

This is like that, one of those things that’s… “If the Olympics ever came here I so would go…”

Well it wasn’t on my agenda at all really but like a lot of people it’s a wish moment.

And to have a wish moment happen and to have it with Cass who’s holding my hand and our fingers are interlaced is this huge thing really.

I feel like a much younger and much lighter me.

I burst out laughing as the first place that Cass drags me too is the Tim Horton’s kiosk. “We just ate!”

“I want something sweet okay and something hot to drink.”

“Okay…okay…”

We still hold hands and wait in line and I’m halfway between smiling and blushing because we’re getting looks but at the same time we’re getting some pretty happy for us looks too. I get a case of the grins when I see a guy and a guy see us and there’s a sort of second pause and then then slip their hands together.

Representation means a lot because it’s saying that this is normal.

Cass uses her card and she gets a box of timbits and me a coffee and herself a hot chocolate and then we head off and she’s showing me around and it’s really very cool.

I’m a die-hard Canadian girl and the whole thing of it even being here and the way that it reflects on us as Canadians and the atmosphere with the people and the athletes from the other countries and everything makes it just such a pride filled experience for me.

Yes I went into the armed forces to get my nursing degree and to get it as a guy and get out of the whole stigma against male nurses and the like that you sometimes get in the industry and I’ve heard some pretty rough stuff about how they get treated in nursing school or because they went to nursing school.

Besides combat medic has such ring to it and then there was the trans-in-the-forces thing.

There’d be none of the shameful stuff for my family if something happened…? I mean I didn’t know it then and I was holding so much of that past stuff back shoved down until it took a serious encounter for my trans self to wake back up.

But as much as that was part of why I joined there was the fact I wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to travel and to have stories, I wanted to be able to see places and do things that people home just didn’t do.

And part of me loved it, loved the adrenaline shot but helping people and there was a feeling that you got whether you were in a chopper heading out to rescue or you were running clinics out of a bunch of tents working with the military GP’s and the people from Doctors Without Borders.

But with the bad and the good I loved my country.

You ask anyone that served…in anyplace if they wouldn’t get the good goosebump tingle at being to a place where all these people and nations are competing with sportsmanship and grace and there’s no IED’s or snipers and all the bad stuff instead this is sort of like being in the middle of what soldiers fight for.

And seeing the maple leaf here so much and all of it the other colors flown by other countries and the atmosphere.

The good will.

It’s such a big place to wander around and to see things in too and even better I get to meet some of the security staff that works with Cass and apparently I got talked up quite a bit as I get a lot of.

“Sam! So you’re the famous Samantha.”

Yeah I know it’s not my name but really there’s not a whole lot of people named Samaritan out there. So I just kind of let it go…besides it’s way more fun to hear all the cute belly stories about Cass from the others especially the other female officers there and spend time in Cass’s world.

I’ve spent so much…too much time living in my world, she’s made it so much better but I’ve still spent too much time in my world.

This, this is so much more than nice it’s something I think that I honestly really needed in my life.

………………………………………..The rest of the week was actually just amazing even with her working. Just getting to curl up with her and sleep even if we do have our soft and intimate moments.

Sleeping in the arms of someone that loves you to me really is lovemaking too. There is a part of my life that went on for way too long where I thought that I wasn’t going to ever see that sort of love.

That I wasn’t going to be anybody’s somebody special.

She gets dressed and she’s wearing spanx to go with her uniform pants and her vest is two sizes larger than she usually wears but she still looks amazing in her blue and greys and there’s a serious pride thing there for me too. I sort of get the job, my mom did that job and there’s a bit maybe of me loving that parallel too.

But the rest of the week was really fun too and it was very much what I needed I think because it got me out of the house and out of town even and in a good way and not out of town for a stay in a facility for my mental health.

Not that I didn’t need that too or that there is anything wrong with getting help especially when you hold things in for too long.

No this was something really, really good.

Cass goes to do her stuff for work doing the security stuff and I have passes courtesy of her to go and see some of the things going on and I definitely take advantage of them and go see different things like some of the downhill stuff and the bobsledding and she’ll join me after we take some time when she’s done her shift and we head out to see the skaters or watch the curling.

What? I like curling I actually curled in high school and to hear “Hard! Hurry Hard!” just makes me smile. I know it might just be like a kind of cliché but I’m very Canadian about that sort of thing.

And the nights were just great too like I said with the cuddling and sleeping with each other and everything and when the week was running its course and everything it was kind of still good as much as I sort of wanted to stay here.

We went back to Ohana’s twice for breakfast and just to be there really.

But once I was packed and we were ready for me to leave and get a cab to take the train home it was kind of emotional and stuff.

“I’m going to miss you.” I say as I kiss her and she kisses me back and she holds me and she rubs my back instead of me doing that for her.

“I’ll miss you more hon.”

“Good…I know it’s selfish but good.”

She kisses me again… and I get my bags and we head outside from the motel she’s staying at and she’s going to drive me to the train and I hear her squeal. “Brandon!”

She’s running over to him and I can’t help but to smile as he’s there and he’s been waiting for us and everything leaning against his truck and drinking a coffee.

Him and me…the things we had and have and the stuff that’s still there between us and it’s all just this.

We’re not together, together and it doesn’t matter to him I don’t think. We still love each other and he shows it by doing stuff like this.

Having him be that guy for me, to be this unasked for rock of support. It means so much and I set down my bags and go over and join Cass in hugging our guy.

Bridges 44

Chapter 44

*Before…

She kisses me again… and I get my bags and we head outside from the motel she’s staying at and she’s going to drive me to the train and I hear her squeal. “Brandon!”
She’s running over to him and I can’t help but to smile as he’s there and he’s been waiting for us and everything leaning against his truck and drinking a coffee.
Him and me…the things we had and have and the stuff that’s still there between us and it’s all just this.
We’re not together, together and it doesn’t matter to him I don’t think. We still love each other and he shows it by doing stuff like this.
Having him be that guy for me, to be this unasked for rock of support. It means so much and I set down my bags and go over and join Cass in hugging our guy.

*And Now…

There will always be this thing between us we will always have that we were lovers thing because as much as I love Cass and I’m committed too …but it feels good to get hugged with that frame and that strength and it’s Brandon he just smells good without trying you know.

Wood chips and sawdust and earth and leather and hay all wound up and around the whole scent of a guy, a clean guy and with just a little of his aftershave…but still a guy.

And one of the first that was really kind and decent to me and he still is.

Brandon’s like how I remember my dad…not from when I was blocking stuff out but my dad from when I was little. He makes me feel safe.

And after shitty relationships and people being jerks and the people that have all that stuff…and with the PTSD.

PTSD and feeling finally safe and secure as me. And not the person that I was so really good at faking for most of my life…well that’s an amazing thing to have and very awesome.

I pull back from the hug some after giving him a kiss on the cheek and it’s a good kiss too not a peck and I’m rewarded with one of those rare Brandon soft smiles. I love those it’s the smile of a person that had one of those lives where they really hadn’t had a lot to smile about. And because it’s something he doesn’t show often or to everyone it’s sort of all the more precious to me.

And that’s not the only thing that is making me smile it’s this whole hugging thing with him and Cass that just shows that a straight man and a lesbian can be further than just knowing each other and just being friends.

She’s smiling and she’s laughing and I think she sometimes is that happy and bubbly with him because she’s actually sort of laughing with him, it‘s like Cass knows how tightly wound Brandon is and that he needs help sometimes to show he‘s happy. Then she’s got her shirt up and her bare belly out with the bump and everything and she’s showing him and she’s getting Brandon to touch and feel.

It’s one of those make me hug myself kind of moments seeing them like that and not even feeling a bit jealous or threatened. We tried the physical three way and while I was okay it didn’t work at all for Cass and she really tried too.

It might sound so screwed up but I’m glad things turned out the way that they did, but at the same time I still want and need them both in my life.

Yes, I’m greedy but sometimes stuff like self-interest is self-preservation.

Brandon got hurt, got shot saving me from my own darkness and Cass…well she was there and cared enough to pull me out of it.

So yes, very much yes I want and I need them both in my life and the life of our child.

Besides Brandon is definitely the kind of guy that I want to see as a father. I know people that grew up without a father or had shitty dad’s and I had an absolutely awesome guy as my dad and I know how much that has affected me.

Even when I was going through the shitty parts of transitioning and when o didn’t think that he’d get it or that he’d understand…it affected me and it made me miserable.

I know now that that’s not the cased with the stuff I had buried about the things that the old priest had done to me and likely others. I can remember being a little kid and being trans and him and mom actually being okay with it…or even if they were just indulging me they were still cool about it, they still loved me no matter what and that means a lot.

I just know now how much that means to have that support and Cass and I will always be there of course but so will he and that’s going to mean so much to them growing up and everything.

I walk over to join them and Brandon’s talking about.

“So are you reading and listening to music with them?”

Cass… “Huh?” I love her so much because she does that really cutely.

“I’ve read that sometimes it’s good for the baby if you read stuff and listen to music and the baby can develop a habit of being attracted to books or music and things like that and math.”

Cass gives him the side eye. “So me listening to music and stuff will make our baby smarter?”

“From what I read yeah.”

She looks at me and I shrug. “I’m ER and OR I don’t do Peeds but I’ve heard that too.”

She does this sort of cute head tilt. “Is there a list?”

I shrug again. “It’s up to you honey.”

Brandon nods. “I think the idea is that the baby’s nervous system picks up on your brain activity or something like that.”

She grins at him. “You’ve been reading up haven’t you!?”

Wow…he’s actually blushing a little. “Some…I mean there’s all this stuff out there and I know a lot of it’s horse shit but at the same time I don’t ever want to be one of those parents who uses the whole kids don’t come with a manual stuff…I want to at least try.”

We both get close and we both hug him pretty tightly and kiss his cheeks and he smiles and he kisses and hugs us back in this real kind of moment it’s not even a saying goodbye kind of moment but it’s just us caring and doing it because that’s actually something that we do or that people should do when they’re as close as we are.

Then it’s time to go because it is a long drive and Cass actually does have to get ready for her shift and stuff so we do say and hug out our see you soons and Cass and I share a really long sweet kiss before we have to go and I kind of miss her already but it’s just the fact that I know how much I’ll still miss her until she’s done down here.

Though the good side of that is that after here she has a week at the detachment getting her replacement up to speed and then she’s got to take her vacation time before April rolls around…something to do with time and fiscal year stuff so she doesn’t lose it in the roll around?...i don’t know all I know is that she’ll be off for vacation in two weeks and then it’ll be time for her to go off on her maternity leave.

And yeah that’s awesome.

Okay there’s the newlywed thing but more than that it’s the whole fact that I have been alone for so long really that her living with me doesn’t bother me, it does the opposite. There are loners out there true but I’m not one of them I was just really good at hiding and trying to just survive that my isolation didn’t hit me all the time.

But it does hit you.

Brandon makes me smile as he opens my door for me and makes sure that I got into the truck alright and y’know that kind of feels good. I am perfectly capable of doing stuff on my own and I’m not tone of those people that expects it but it’s just nice for once in a while to get that extra little bit of consideration.

And it’s Brandon’s truck, I’ve been in it quite a bit actually and it’s one of those things that gets that sort of change when you get familiar with it. Like it’s Brandon’s truck but in the sense that it’s like our truck as in a family sort of thing and this is the one that he drives…and he drives me around in.

It’s better than the train and it’s really good with me not driving in the sort of snowy-slushy soup that we’re getting down here and then there’s the fact that he has good music and we drive through and out of Vancouver taking our time and some of the side streets into other neighborhoods that bypass a lot of the heavy traffic and take us out towards Richmond and the connector there and we get close to the Richmond mall just enough to stop at the drive through and get a couple of Tim’s double-doubles and a box of mixed Timbits.

I dunno it just kind of isn’t a road trip for me without those things and I know it’s just habit but it’s kind of a tradition too.

We head out towards Whistler and go out to Pemberton and stop there or outside of there at a farm and there’s a big fifth wheel livestock trailer there at a big farm and we get out and Brandon’s talking to the older guy who owns the place and I’m just sort of watching them be guys.

Okay I mean Brandon’s giving him a check and buying the thing and it’s full of some hay bales he bought and what looks like a lot of feed bags and it has this sort of grain meets caramel and hay with molasses sort of smell to it and everything…Horse treats or pops maybe?

But it’s more that thing where they just half talk and it’s all in guyese and it’s not even like normal guyese or army guyese because I sort of have a passing fluency in that stuff from my faux-guy days no this…this is stoic guyese.

Like rocks, they just kind of commune with each other like rocks in a field.

And the old guy Mr. Franklin was nice enough and all and he shook my hand and called me miss…which was kind of flattering but I suppose that any woman without greys or a child would be a miss to a fellow like him and it was a nice stop over and it was kind of fun helping out and me actually backing the truck in so they could attach the trailer to it and everything.

We had a garden growing up and that’s about it I was never really a farmer despite my neighbors usually doing that sort of thing out our way.

The rest of the trip was a couple of stops for gas and for me to use the ladies room and a hot chocolate at one of the gas stations and the rest of the trip was slower because of the roads and having the trailer on and we’re on the coastal highway so it’s just a good idea to be careful anyways in winter and we talk.

Well I talk… it’s pretty one sided and stuff and I tell him about the trip down there and the helicopter ride and Ohana’s which he actually seems interested in going to next time he’s down in Vancouver and I mean he does comment and stuff but it’s Brandon and he’s one of those guys that seems like most of the time he’s just fine with listening.

And that’s nice too.

I mean when you’re trans you’re so often just isolated in this sort of strange way. I mean you talk and sometimes you do talk to people but there’s always a sort of pausey kind of space with a lot of people or you’re encyclopedia trangenderica or LGBTica or you’re just sort of unsure what to talk about with people in general since life seems to kind of hammer that lesson in sometimes…it’s sort of what drives us into deeper isolation.

But with Brandon I can just sort of very girl sort of stereotype ramble, and talk and be excited about stuff and just go on about anything and everything without having to use my edit filter.

That’s nice, that’s nice and it’s kind of rare too.

When Sam gets to Trump Sam-trans.

I have a contented sort of sigh as I see the sign for home and we start down the off-ramp into town and once we stop at the lights Brandon looks over at me. “You want to come over for supper?”

I kind of look out at the snow and the grey and then at him. “If you want, or you could come over to my place and we can all have supper together.”

He nods. “Okay, you have any pasta?”

“Dried stuff.”

“That’ll do I have a big pot of sauce in the oven.”

“You left in on?”

“It’s fine Sam I used to do this all the time when I was working and have left stuff for longer besides it’s a really big batch of sauce and it needed all that time to render down and get all thick.”

“Okay…well as long as you know what you’re doing and haven’t burned the ranch down I guess that’s okay but I never heard of doing sauce in a roaster before.”

“On low in the oven it’s just as good as a slow cooker, better even since it doesn’t stick to the bottom.”

We’re pulling down our road and I can see the ranch. “Well it’s not burned down so I guess we’re having pasta tonight.”

He smiles and he pulls up my lane and into my yard. “I told you so.”

I look at him and then at his place and my place and just sort of everything. “I love you y’know right?”

He just smiles as he reaches over and pulls me in and gives me this really tender kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, I know.”

Bridges 45

Chapter 45

*Before…

We’re pulling down our road and I can see the ranch. “Well it’s not burned down so I guess we’re having pasta tonight.”

He smiles and he pulls up my lane and into my yard. “I told you so.”

I look at him and then at his place and my place and just sort of everything. “I love you y’know right?”

He just smiles as he reaches over and pulls me in and gives me this really tender kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, I know.”

*And Now…

I slip into my house and smile it’s good to be home. And as much as I liked being with Cass it’s just nice to be back. I guess I’ve kind of become a homebody of sorts with moving back and transitioning and everything and things here being iffy I sort of holed up here a lot and you get comfortable with it or you go nuts…stir crazy.

And now with Cass here and us having a life this has turned into a little better place even. My folk’s house and now mine and Cass and I are starting a life and a family together it’s made this place even more of a home.

It’s also nice and warm too. The advantage of another person living here besides Cass and me and one of having Brandon across the road.

I carry my stuff upstairs and get undressed and toss things into the washbin and I take a shower and get cleaned up.

I don’t dress like date nice because that’s not Brandon and I any more but I do actually get dressed and not slap some stuff on.

Blow dry my hair and leave it down and loose and my favorite house bra.

Yes we women have different bra and underwear.

Some are for work and I actually like ones that are done by Jessica for that because they have a green and a mauve that works well with my work scrubs I have the standard greens and I bought a couple of pairs of the burgundy scrubs. I like a wider strap and band though at work with all of the lifting and moving that I do. It stays in place better and gives decent support too but it’s not a sports bra.

And there’s nothing wrong with a sports bra either but they’re really not suited for a twelve hour shift.

Then there’s the old stuff we keep to wear around the house. We do that because well under things are expensive and it’s just good sense and for comfort reasons too but we as a rule try to not wear those when we go someplace because you never know when something is going to happen and someone will see things.

Even other women.

I mean they’d get it I know but at the same time we do look at who is wearing what and we do sort of make judgments about people because of it. Even me…and I’m saying this because I’ve been in transition for a long time but also even before that I was one of those pre-transition people that would have the mental commentary about how some people would be dressed.

It’s not like I’m snobby about clothes and stuff but looks. Like the look someone is going for if it really doesn’t work it goes off in my brain as much as a look that has me going.

Oooh I like that.

And I’ll do that with stuff that I know I could never pull off.

My biggest peeve is older women, and by that I mean my age and older. Because there’s a bunch of us that dress or try to dress like the teens and twenty somethings.

We’re not.

And I don’t care that as a trans woman I missed out on those years and if you want to do that at home…cool go for it but stop trying to dress like a twenty year old when you’re not.

One it’s not our fashion, there’s stuff that is generational and honestly we don’t look good in it.

I’m not saying dress frumpily or dress old either but just.

Yeppers it’s a peeve.

And then there’s well intimate wear and that to me is like wearing make-up for someone that you like.

Slinky wear is rarely comfortable in a daily wear sort of way and yes I love the look of some of it but wearing it.

Like thing high stockings…unless you’re into that sort of thing for most of us they’re a pain unless you’re dressing really up to go out or you’re doing slinky time.

I’m in my second best stuff so that’s stuff I wear day to day when not at work and not going out but it’s better than my whole relaxed lazy rubber me self.

So…

Decent underwear and I put on some Secret spay on and I put on a pair of comfortable jeans. Yeah comfortable and not to tight I’ve work the tight stuff and it’s okay but it sort of pinched…I haven’t since my surgery and stuff though I’m not a skinny jeans kind of person too much.

I’m not even a name brand fashion hound my jeans a Levis and they’re bootcut and their five years old.

I get one of armed forces t-shirts to put on too because one their comfortable as hell and two I’m eating pasta tonight I’ll be suffering under the Sam rule.

That’s when the better something tastes the more I’ll potentially wear it.

I tuck it in and add a belt and yes…it’s tucked to look neater but there’s also the whole tucked in boob effect.

Just because Brandon and I aren’t sleeping together and we’re really close friends we have slept together and I still sort of have yeah-boy… feelings for him sometimes so yes I kind of want to have yay-boobs.

But the rest is earrings and wool socks, I have these great wool socks that are super soft and really comfy and it’s winter so they’re a good choice. No lipstick or perfume but I do a little around my eyes just to look better a touch and then I grab my coat and keys and purse and I head out and go over to Brandon’s house.

The first thing that hits me is the smell…sweet and tomato like but it’s that sweet of well-cooked onion and garlic and next in the smell of cooking meat and baking bread.

No I didn’t knock, we don’t really do that…okay Cass and I don’t do that. (Derp-face.)

Instead we come in and I take off my boots and call out. “Hello!”

“In the kitchen Sam!”

I head gladly into the kitchen and I’m smiling all the way.

Wool socks and really good hardwood floors.

And it’s Brandon’s house so it’s pretty awesome, especially since it’s so well done.

Hardwood floors and pine walls all the framing is red maple and it has exposed beam work making it look all the nicer and really nice windows and there’s like French doors between rooms and there’s art all over the place like some native stuff but other things that Brandon had shipped to storage while he worked away.

And now there’s pictures up too, things he took him with people and sights and things and people and co-workers. I like some of the temples and things and animals but some of the best pictures are almost art like with like city scapes from high rise points of view.

Add in nice furniture and a real warmth to the place like the fireplace in the living room lit and going and soft cozy lighting…I see he uses dimmer styled switches which I like I have one in the bathroom at home and the bedroom.

I join Brandon in the kitchen and it’s nice all cedar cabinets with the black wrought iron handles and hinged and a long counter and a nice tiled back splash and a stone counter top that matches the tiles and a dark stormy grey that counter points the wrought iron and nice appliances.

One of the things that I really like is he had all these vintage looking antique containers and boxes for things for the stuff on the counter and there’s not island instead he has a long almost bar like counter with nice seat stools with backs and it’s all just really nice, in that grown up guy with nice tastes and knows what he likes kind of way.

And it’s not really all that man-cavey either with all the things that he has here from all over too and a large walk in closet that’s an obvious larder and it’s full of things like veggie bins and jars of herbs and things that sort of soften the place.

There’s pots of boiling water going and he has meat cooking in the frying pan and I can smell sausage and I can see he has other meat in a bowl and there’s two fair sized slow cookers of what looks like sauce on the counter.

“Can I help?”

“You know how to use a pasta maker?”

“Nope.” I grin and he’s pouring me a glass of red.

“Then you can tend to the meat.”

I take the wine glass and I take a sip and it’s okay.

Okay it’s likely pretty good but I really don’t know about wine or really developed a pallet for it.

“Okay.”

I take over cooking the meat and Brandon wants the sausage crispy and then he gets me to take it out and to add anchovies to the oil/fat in the pan.

“Anchovies?”

“Yup anchovies.”

“But they’re like eeew.”

“Have you had them?”

“Uhm…”

“That’s a no then.” Okay I blush.

“Well they’re fish.”

“Yes and tiny and salted and cured and used to cook with for a long time and they’re really good.”

“Fish…like that are good…in pasta?”

He nods. “Just put them in and let them cook a few seconds and then give them a stir to break them up, they’ll dissolve into the dish.”

“Oh?...okay?”

I do it and they sort of smoosh and then they break up and he nods when he takes a peak while he’s making dough and he’s also got stuff out like eggroll wrap, five spice, mascarpone, whipping cream and marshmallow fluff and maple syrup?

He nods. “Good now just add in some of the chopped onions now and garlic and just let them cook a little and then add in the deer meat.”

“What’s with the other stuff?”

“Dessert.”

“Dessert?”

“Canadian Italian Chinese Cannoli.”

Okay I just stare at him and blink.

Which makes him do that Brandon half smile? “I’m serious and you’ll like them.”

I bobble head nod. “I’m sure that I will.”

He does that little chuckle too.

Damn me if I still don’t feel things from that. Brandon is a very good man he’s also a damned sexy one too.

No not going to go there and do stuff but he’s me friend and he’s my ex and the first guy that I was with in a long time…a long, long time.

I think I will always have a degree of oh damn about Brandon.

But it’s friendship first.

I add the other stuff and okay…one it starts to cook with the garlic and the ground venison t actually does sort of smell really decent I’m not used to cooking with venison that much that was always something in Dad’s sort of realm of things when I was at home and that’s the last time I really had it.

It’s a really lean meat there’s not a lot of fat in this at all so the stuff left render off the sausage was actually needed and it’s also has this smell to it. It’s not bad at all but it’s not beef that’s for sure.

We get it cooked and browned until it’s almost crispy and then we add back in the sausage and Brandon brings over the frying pan to one of the slow cookers and he adds it together.

Okay that tomato sauce he made smells like absolute heaven, like really long slow cooked heaven. I don’t know what’s in it but the only thing that I know is well tomato and little bits of onion.

He mixes the two together and turns the heat down to let it simmer and like have the flavors meld together and he’s got the pasta on a tea towel draped over the back of one of the chair stools and he’s got that Brandon half grin as he goes for the other stuff.

He has what looks like those small juice cans and he wraps the eggroll wrap around them corner to corner and fastens them together with a bit of egg white and then he’s mixing maple syrup with five spice in a bowl and then he’s mixing the whipping cream with some sugar and vanilla and sugar and the mascarpone cheese and the marshmallow fluff to make the filling which he lets me lick the beaters and it’s really good like a sort of cheesecakey thing that’s really rich but it’s rich in a good way and it has hints of the vanilla and marshmallow in it.

“Oh that’s going to make me jog a lot.”

He does that little chuckle. “You worry too much about your weight.”

“Yeah well I’m a girl we do that y’know and I’m not a teenager either so I’m slowing down too; and hormones make it harder to keep weight off.”

He gives me that raised eyebrow look. “You’re woman Sam not a girl you are allowed to look like a woman and not some college freshman.”

I give him a raspberry and he looks at me. “Save it for Cass.”

Okay that made me blush; he’s good at catching me with stuff like that.

I sort of watch as he takes out the eggroll wrappers from the deep fryer and then while they’re still hot he uses a basting brush to paint them with the five spice and maple syrup mixture and he then lets them cool off and he makes a quick half dozen of these things and then puts the pasta on to quickly cook.

Okay I’m not a fresh pasta person, it’s just I’ve never really had it much since I always grew up with the dried stuff and that was spaghetti and macaroni and the odd lasagna now and then.

It cooks way faster than I thought it would and it goes from the water to the fry pan we did the meat in and he gives it a toss and then adds the meat sauce that we made and he gets a really big dish for it and he passes me a grater and a block of cheese.

“You grate how much you want on it and I’ll fill the cannoli.”

“That sounds dirty.”

He looks at me and his mouth does that little twitch before he laughs.

I’m really glad that I’m here.

I grate the cheese and he gets the cannoli filled and he has some garlic bread in the oven that he’d been keeping warmed and we settle in actually talk, a little music in the background but we talk about the trip down there and what it felt like getting back into a chopper and into nursing like that again and the diner.

Which kind of has us both talking of places we’ve been and ex-pat places that we’ve been to and the stuff that he’s planning with the farm here and a few people he’s been talking to like having more horses but like rescue horses and then maybe having people willing to work with him and donate time and stuff coming in too or even the possibility of therapy horses.

And then there’s the actual farming stuff with him putting in a big produce garden here and starting everything in the greenhouse and maybe doing things with the farmers market or maybe even a garden food co-op where families could come out and put in work in exchange for a discount on produce.

And maybe even having something online with like membership weekly deliveries, which would be cool really kind of like when dad used to say the milk trucks used to go around.

We actually talked to like Two A.M.

Which is just cool and it’s nice too, more than nice because it’s just us two hanging out and it really kind of lets me know just how close we still are which is a pretty close really considering everything that happened between him and Cass and I and how Cass and I got together and how much things really could’ve gone sideways.

And the food… The pasta was really, really good and other than this slight smoky pig I didn’t know the anchovies were even in there and the strong flavor of the venison went really well with all of the other things and the sauce didn’t turn out oily or greasy and the fresh pasta was really good.

But the dessert…he painted the maple stuff on and they were still screaming hot so they ended up candied and spiced but still really crispy…in the way that a really good wonton is…only maplely and with that almost Christmas like wintery hit from the five spice and then sweet and crunch and then all of that creamy cheesy but not cheesy marshmallow and vanilla hinted filling.

For a girl that didn’t want to put on extra pounds I had two.

And took the last one home.

Brandon ate three during the course of the night and talking and dishes.

I get home and I text Cass while getting ready for bed and actually getting ready for bed was well…slinky wear because I want to experiment with it by myself without feeling too foolish and I have a video on my laptop and one of our vibes and some help with the moisture issues.

It’s…it’s not a Cass thing it’s a me and the fixed real me taking some me time and slowly exploring myself and enjoying it.

Being my real self, exploring that part of myself and it’s amazing from start to my big finishes and after my second I’m panting and glowing and I clean things up and gather some of the blankets and slip them between my legs.

There’s more than a sort of finally feeling in the peace of things feeling right when I touch them or press into them without the wrong stuff in the way anymore.

It was easy to fall asleep smiling and think about my life and what’s coming ahead for me and actually looking forward to doing so much more than just surviving.

Bridges 46

Chapter 46

*Before…

It’s…it’s not a Cass thing it’s a me and the fixed real me taking some me time and slowly exploring myself and enjoying it.
Being my real self, exploring that part of myself and it’s amazing from start to my big finishes and after my second I’m panting and glowing and I clean things up and gather some of the blankets and slip them between my legs.
There’s more than a sort of finally feeling in the peace of things feeling right when I touch them or press into them without the wrong stuff in the way anymore.
It was easy to fall asleep smiling and think about my life and what’s coming ahead for me and actually looking forward to doing so much more than just surviving.

*And Now…

I woke to the smell of the coffee maker going through its program and smile at the smell of Tim’s coffee from home. It’s really my indulgence and after last might I feel pretty good and it’s a pleasure to roll over and snuggle into my sheets and my pillows.

They still smell like Cass but it’s that me post morning after some self-intimacy and it’s me being post op and rolling over without the flop and eeew touching the side of my thigh thing and it’s just really, really nice to be really and finally me.

And I am frankly still very much still enjoying it. It’s not gotten old one bit the feeling or just being right with myself and everything finally in its place instead of the way that it was wrong for so often.

I snuggle into bed for a few more blissful moments before I roll out of bed and onto my feet and pad downstairs grabbing a sleep shirt to cover my bare chest.

I know someday that I might get to where this is all normal and I’ll be blasé about the way my body is moving but there’s this really powerful sensation of things being right with me after way too long that I’m not even going to try to fight even if it sounds all corny and things.

Like some online story.

Well there’s truth to some of that fiction though…wish fulfillment and then there’s that pictured feeling of it all being right.

And everyone who has felt the lash of being dysphoric has thought long and hard and wished and dreamed of just being normal to where normal feels like it’s elation.

Me, Yeah I’m there.

Actually this feeling reminds me of that point in physio after I was wounded when I was first getting literally back on my feet.

You get something like mobility back and you have no idea in your head at just how much and how powerful and emotional a thing that is to have happen.

Post-op is like this right now.

Seriously, I just rolled out of bed and grabbed my top and I’m getting a coffee without any of the check and tuck or the eeewws from feeling them move when I moved, nothing touching things they shouldn’t and no aches if things that I never wanted…just getting out of bed and going.

It’s joyfully good and normal.

Honestly if I wasn’t the introvert that I am I’d likely be singing and dancing like that woman you see in that sleep aid pill commercial.

*Grins*

I get my coffee mug and pour myself a coffee and I go with a little creamer and I dig out some orange juice and I get a banana, two actually. I’m not on Spiro so I can have food with potassium in it again. I eat one half and put the other one and a half in the blender and then some Greek yogurt and some juice and I add a little honey to it and buzz it up smooth while I sip my coffee and take my multivitamins and one of those calcium chocolate chews and I pour half of my smoothie into my coffee mug and the rest into one of those metal drink bottles and put it into the fridge.

I drink it and rinse the cup and I head upstairs to go use the bathroom and I drink my coffee as I get ready for my run.

Tights top and leggings and then sweat pants that aren’t too baggy and then sweat socks and wool ones and then my splash suit which is a running suit so it’s reflective and I get my toque on and my headlamp and another onto my pack for a flasher and my running cleats and I head out.

It’s nice…and in that nice winter running that only a runner would get. It’s minus four Celsius and there’s little wind chill and it’s snowing but it’s those mid-sized flakes that are the kind of ones that melt when they hit you so you know you’re going to get wet and all of that in the pre-dawn dark with just the yards lights and the streetlights and I smile because I’m the first right now on my road and it’s just about an inch and three quarters of virgin snow.

There hasn’t even been a car or a truck yet and it’s just one of those things that’s perfect. I head off towards town first running to the t-section first and then to the gas station and it’s fairly empty of the regulars and I do what I usually do and I stop for a cheap cup of coffee and I get some milk while I’m there and Amy’s on this morning as she’s ringing me up and I get a few other odds and ends like a couple of scratch and wins and a 649 lotto ticket and I buy myself a square of Hersey’s chocolate and I eat that while talking to Amy.

“The guys aren’t around?”

Amy shakes her head no. “We’re supposed to get ten so they cancelled school.”

I shake my head. “Only here in B.C. huh?”

She nods. “At least now-a-days it’s all the might happen stuff, if it looks slippery it might get bad enough for the roads to be dangerous.”

I grin. “You almost pulled a ‘back in my day.’ There.”

She grins. “God it feels like it you get out of school and are working for just a couple of years and it’s like the world completely changed on you y’know?”

I nod chewing the last bit of chocolate. “Oh I know wait until the music you listened to and the cars you used to drive in school are all listed as classic cars.”

We both grin and I put my things in my pack and the tickets in a plastic bag and I head out for the rest of my run.

I don’t know Amy well her just being one of the people that works there and all but she seems to be good with me. Which is nice. I mean it’s not like I’m exactly a secret in town. Everyone knows who the trans lady is.

And yeah I still get looks and I still get grief now and then and it’s mostly dirty looks more than anything else after all the stuff had sort of blown over with the things when I met Brandon and Cass.

My biggest advantage is that people are self-centered, and they are too caught up in their everyday to bother with me. Especially since there’s the message loud and clear to the bigots from my friends and the police and some others that bigotry’s not going to really be a popular thing here.

Which is good, which has me getting into my running a little more heading home and I put on some more speed. I love to run, it helps me. It’s good for me, it keeps me in shape and that helps my self-esteem a lot but it’s also too that running lets me get rid of my demons, like I’m running and they can’t keep up the more pure the run feels and it’s like they sort of get sucked back in my wake and then they get dragged along behind me until they get torn up by the road rash. Even their little hooks they have inside of me are getting out as they either tear away or I sweat them out like poison.

I have literally ran and cried.

Like for no other reason other than I’m getting free of shit and I’m doing something pure and unclouded or unhaunted and it will come out those runners tears.

That high is great too…that runner’s high the boost from exercise and fresh air. It’s stuff that helps flush out the stuff that builds up inside of you from depression. Now I’m not saying for people to run or go off their meds and things but there are chemicals that your brain gets used to having while you are depressed and then it’s not producing either a lot of the good chemicals that you need either so…anything that fights that works.

Or it does for me and with a baby on the way and being a mom to be and everything I have a very real self interest in getting my head on straight.

I pass our places and the snow’s still light and shallow so Brandon has the horses out again and there’s that whinny of happy and challenge from his horses that are out as they see me and they race me along their fence line and I turn it on to a sprint to race them and I don’t have a hope in heck of winning but they actually look for me to come and for me to do that and they like it.

I like it and that length of pasture is just long enough to get my heart hammering and my lungs burning and once I’m past it I slow to a jog, a slower than normal jog but I keep moving and get my wind back before Ai go around the big turn ant the end on my road and start climbing the hill.

It’s that dawnish sort of lavender light right now with the fade from twilight into dawn and it’s snowing and cloudy and but it’s the hill so it’s snowy open bits of fields that lead to stand after stand of evergreens and they’re snow touched and the snow’s in the air and it’s just me, this, the road and the hill.

And the hill is deceptive too because you run a good half a mile up it and it’s quite steep but then where there’s the crest there’s just a flattening off and then you get the second half of the hill.

I run the whole thing and keep going pushing myself too and follow the road as it goes straight for another two miles or so and then there’s another corner and one of those green painted highway safety bridges up over the creek.

That’s where I stop and I dig out my granola bar I like the sort of salty ones for this with the peanut butter in them and the extra nuts. The running and the protein and everything is a thing and you need a little of it while doing stuff like this because you don’t use it until you’re really done your run but if you have a little while you’re doing this you’re not as nearly wiped out through the day.

And I have a full day ahead of me.

I eat and walk and pace and eat while drinking water and keep loose while I have that break and when I’m done I head back home. Now I and I’m speaking for myself here I cross the road and run facing traffic on the way home since it’s getting busy and I was just passed by two log trucks and a few work vehicles and I’d rather see things coming and I’m going downhill in snowy weather so I keep to the shoulder of the road trusting my ability to stop on the gravel more than the chipseal with the snow down and all.

But…I let the hill pull me and I do run really fast and I enjoy it too and I don’t even really slow too much on the flat part of the hill before I am going downhill again and then there’s the run home.

I’m rubbery in a good way and soaked or my splash suit is and I get undressed and I’m sweating like mad while getting undressed and I got right in for my morning shower.

Steam…heat and sweat. I do that adjusting to the air coughing for a bit but I just stand under the water letting the streams flow right down and over my body and let all the stuff inside sweat out and wash away before I even grab my puff and the soap.

Then it’s the morning ritual of getting ready and only it’s the old ritual of getting ready with me getting into scrubs and my nursing kit. My kit’s just the clothes and my ID lanyard and of course decent socks and I have my good steel toe sneakers and lots of powder. Those get bagged because you don’t wear outside wear into work if you can help it and I have some Velcro pockets on my scrubs that I make sure I have a few things in then like Band-Aids, some of my own gauze, and a folded square bandage and a pack of gum.

The bandages are just something from the service that we always have something handy and that’s habit. And the gum is for my breath, the patient’s breaths or just other smells.

I pony tail my hair and I pack my books and a change of scrubs and some other things like toothbrush and paste and mouth wash and a bunch of other things and I head down and I get some breakfast.

I cheat honestly and I have some Jimmy-Dean sausage rounds and I fry them up and cook two Eggo waffles and I put an egg that I scramble in the microwave and a processed cheese slice and I make a sandwich which I hunker over the sink and eat and for my break lunch at work I take my shake and two apples and I shake some potato chips into a zip-lock bag and I finish that and I brush my teeth and check myself over in the mirror and use the bathroom once more to be sure and head out locking up the house and head into work with all of my things.

It’s very strange pulling in and parking in the staff parking lot and then heading in. I did a lot of field work but I did actual hospital work too and I sign in with security and then off to the locker rooms which leave me with this sigh of relief.

They have card scan chip locks and I use mine and it’s in the women’s locker room and I go to mine and I stow my stuff and all of my extra stuff for just in case things.

Like having a dementia patient throw their catheter bag at you. Or a good strong arterial spray all over you or vomit.

Actually you develop a pretty good instinct of what to dodge and when.

I meet up with the girls in ER and I’m greeted with a few nice smiles and some indifference by the coffee-hasn’t-kicked-in crowd and we have charts on the boards already and I get a coffee and look to….Tina, she’s the head ER nurse today and she beams at me. “You’re the new girl so you get triage my dear.”

She gestures to the other wall where there’s a whole bunch of front-pages waiting for me and I grab a busy board and a file folder and take them all.

A busy board is an aluminum clip board with a base that’s actually a box. It’s like only an inch thick but the idea is that you take the charts that you finished and you put them inside after you assessed them and that way you can sort of keep going.

I smile and take the charts and I head out to the triage room which is actually out front by the waiting area and the admitting desk and I see it’s already pretty full with those that get all of the loveliness and stuff during these days of a wet and damp winter.

I stop at the admitting desk. “Hi could you do me a favor?”

“Sure…?”

“You have an extra-set of Post-it’s and a marker?”

“Sure…” She passes me some hot pink Post-it’s and a felt marker.

I go into the triage room and I sit and I read through the sheets really fast and I get them in order of when they got here and I make sure the place is wiped down with the anti-bacterial wipes just in case and I head out through the triage room doors to the waiting room.

I say in a loud military command voice. “Hi everyone, I am Sam Chase and I’m your triage nurse and I will be calling you here in order of when you arrived and registered and I will be giving you an number on one of these. (I hold up the Pink-Post-It with a smiley face drawn onto it.) this will have a number, this is the number in which outpatients or emerg will be calling you at and this will not change. Any critical or acute need patients will get a pass just like in monopoly, and no matter your number the order will not change even though wait times might change depending on whatever medical emergencies happen between now and then. Bothering the admitting clerks or the front staff will not make going down happen faster, harassing the staff will not get you down faster. Now does anyone have any questions?”

There’s a few that look like they have complaints.

There’s a few that look like they might get frisky or pushy and security having heard my bit came out during that time and he just sort of looked out over the bunch that might be trouble.

I do this for a reason, you lay down the law and they know what’s going on. Every shift you get people tired of waiting wanting to know where they are in the queue. They almost always cause trouble or get loud or upset the staff it happened a lot in Afghanistan and the same ones were the complainers and that’s the ones with the self-important sort of looks on their faces.

If you give then the how it works then you can actually run things smoother, and the staff doesn’t get hassled or intimidated and also…also the message of they don’t mess around will spread after a couple of weeks or so.

I call out the first name from the first sheet I have and they actually sort of do a bit of civilian hustle getting to me.

I give her a smile. “Alright you’re my first number and that’s a fourteen.”

I give her a Post –it and I start to triage her and write down my notes.

Bridges 47

*Before…

I do this for a reason, you lay down the law and they know what’s going on. Every shift you get people tired of waiting wanting to know where they are in the queue. They almost always cause trouble or get loud or upset the staff it happened a lot in Afghanistan and the same ones were the complainers and that’s the ones with the self-important sort of looks on their faces.
If you give then the how it works then you can actually run things smoother, and the staff doesn’t get hassled or intimidated and also…also the message of they don’t mess around will spread after a couple of weeks or so.
I call out the first name from the first sheet I have and they actually sort of do a bit of civilian hustle getting to me.
I give her a smile. “Alright you’re my first number and that’s a fourteen.”
I give her a Post –it and I start to triage her and write down my notes.

*And Now…

It’s funny how people react to a military attitude at first as I’m doing things there’s a few looks of folks that look like they don’t like the change from the regular stuff here and then there’s some that are those self-important types and some of them went to complain about their cold or the earache that they’ve had for three days before deciding to come in to outpatients.

And I head them off when I’m able to before they hassle the girl at the desk and I’ll pull their sheet and like the mister with the ear ache.

“I see you have Dr. Svenson as your family doctor. You do know that this isn’t his office and that you should actually go to your GP to see about these things.”

“I’m a busy person, I don’t have time to take the time to go to his office and get seen there. It’s a waste of time to make an appointment.”

I gave him my best nurse eyeball. “You know his office is open right now. And that you were fiddling around there on your phone just a second ago so you really could have made an appointment.”

He looked angry and puffy even like some of these self-important folks get sometimes. “Look I pay my taxes and that pays your salary so I don’t appreciate getting told how to come to the hospital. You work for us lady.” And he gestured towards the other folks in the waiting room.

I actually smiled at him.

He’s not scary, not really, not compared to everything I’ve seen and been through.

“You’re right sir I do get paid through the medicare system right now and I guess in a roundabout way that does make the taxpayers my bosses. But as I said you’re not at your doctor’s office where you should be instead you’re here. Taking up the space of a person that doesn’t have a GP of their own and has to come here and that’s wasting time and it’s wasting money sir.”

He goes to say something and I hold up my finger. “Not done.”

“Instead you are here arguing with me and you were going to argue with the clerk here both take both of us away from our jobs and treating those that are here because they have to be here sir and you sir are wasting that time and wasting everyone else’s time and money doing that.”

He gobbles at air like an angry fish.

I give him my best smile. “But you are more than welcome to stay and be triaged and seen to just like everyone else sir.”

He looks at me and he notices that there’s people that are staring at him from both the staff and the waiting area and he goes back down and he shuts up.

The clerk looks at me. “Wow…That, that was awesome.”

I grin. “And I can do that in a couple of languages too. We still had guys like him doing almost the same sort of thing over in Kandahar.”

She looks at me. “Really?”

“Sure thing people are just people; we’re all pretty much the same wherever we go.”

And well that was like the first twenty minutes of the shift.

I think that mornings are the worst for dealing with people.

There’s people who come in during the middle of the night and they’re sleepy or something unless it’s the drunks or the party crowd and they’re a pain in the butt. But in general graveyard has mostly folks that need to be here. And Afternoons well that shift has people that are already pretty wrung out from whatever happens like during their day and some might get crabby around when it’s time to eat something or time to go to bed or something but most of them will sort of zone out watching the TV, reading a book or doing stuff online.

But Morning people generally don’t wake up well, they come in when they could be doing other things and they haven’t had enough coffee or maybe this has effed up their day but patients in the morning are or seem to be way more of a pain in the butt.

But the rest of the morning actually goes not that badly really and we start to actually get a good pace of speeding through the patients once there’s this whole thing that they all know that this is us not messing around too.

It really does help everybody, and wait times are still pretty rough no matter where you go to.

It’s a whole lot of the standard stuff that we’re getting and I’m actually enjoying myself because it’s not the same as combat nursing or even the nursing that we did at the base this is a lot of colds and coughs and parents with little kids and seniors that are in for one thing or another.

I mean sure we had all of that sort of usual stuff in the base with the staff but everyone was dressed like they were on base, that we were in a war zone and it’s just a really good grounding thing for me.

No uniforms and most of all no locals.

Now don’t get me wrong I like the Afghani people they’re like people pretty much in most places it’s just that when you see them as patients there’s scars. There’s all these scars and they’re from the poverty or the warlords or just the way that life is there.

I’m swabbing a throat culture for Pert with a five year old that’s wiping his nose onto his hand instead of listening to a five year old with damaged breathing from smoke or gas and seeing scars of him from being too close to a Molotov.

I know those kids need help too, a lot of help but still.

I’m glad that I’m home.

I’m glad that I’m not hearing jeeps and trucks through the walls or the bass-voosh and pops of fighter jets or the heavy thud-chop through the air of our medevac choppers.

Instead there’s just the sounds of people and staff and then there’s this whole vibe with the staff and the nurses and the different colors when it comes to the scrubs that we’re allowed to wear. and the fact that CTV is playing on the TV in the lobby instead of CNN.

I’m smiling as we’re all caught up right now for triage and I hit the mini-break room that the triage nursing office shares with the admitting staff and someone made cookies and left them in a basket and I make myself a coffee from the autowreck coffee they have there and I just come out and lean again the far back counter that there for like office supplies and bask in being home.

Caroline Watson one of the outpatient’s nurses joins me and she’s looking at me. We don’t know each other well at all but she seemed nice.

“You seem happy?”

“Glad to be home.”

“Home, oh right you served…but didn’t you get back like a long time ago?”

I nod. “Almost three years since I was released for rehab and medical but it sometimes takes a lot long for us to actually get home.”

She’s looking at me and has a concerned look. “But you’re smiling so this is a good thing right?”

I nod and look over at her. “There’s days that are bad and the frontline people they have their stuff in a different way than some of mine but if you’re lucky and you get some help and get out of being stuck back there and start like living you get these days where instead of being triggered you run into the things that you signed up for, all this really good stuff that reminds you that you’re home and that you did something to make it home still.”

She’s nodding. “I get that but I’ll never get it.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “My brother’s in and he did time over in Golan and he’ll go to the beach or the part and he’ll just smile and watch folks.”

I grin. “Yeah I can see that, kids at the beach, people holding hands and walking their dogs or jogging. That’s stuff that other people just don’t or can’t do in a whole lot of places. For me it’s a lot of things too but seeing kids having real fun with zero cares about things that are dangerous or seeing someone at a water fountain, I mean just it hits you that this is here and not there and that really makes it a good day.”

She’s nodding and she’s smiling too. “Well I’m glad that this is one of the good days.”

Caroline leaves after her coffee with her clip board calling out names to come down to OPD and I actually slip off to my lockers to get my books since they can always page me to come back and I get something to study in between patients coming in to be triaged.

It’s a good shift until it’s time to go home and then it’s snowing and it’s not that bad really but it’s messy with that sort of wet almost rain with the snow and there’s a little fog here and there and I stop and get some coffee for the perk at home from Tim’s and then I stop at Save On Foods and I get a few things and then I head home.

It’s even good to come home driving down my road and seeing Brandon’s place and the horses still outside even though it’s snowing out. That’s actually a really nice scene and after I pull into the yard and get parked I head in fast and get my camera and walk out to the road and down far enough to take some good pictures of the horses in the field and there’s the woods off in the background and the snow’s just sort of coming down sideways.

I smile as I walk back to the house and wave at Brandon when I see him and he’s with some fellow that’s there with a truck and a horse trailer and it looks like he’s getting another rescue horse dropped off.

He waves back and so does the fellow that he’s with and he even gives me that old school and old fashioned hat lift that makes me smile.

Yeah I’m one of those girls that actually likes all the old school things with the manners and stuff. I really don’t care all that much about being upset about stuff all the time that.

There was a lot of stuff I learned from the Ex with all her friends and all that feminist stuff and hey I’m a dyed in the wool feminist but there’s also some people that have taken this whole social justice thing to the point where I’m just pretty fed up.

I don’t think calling a group of ladies is offensive because it’s classist, or that you should glare at someone for getting the door or getting my chair on a date.

It’s not the same thing as child brides, or voting rights or some politician getting involved and wrecking a woman’s right to choose.

But then again this seems to be a teen to early college thing with that whole easy to get offended at every demographic and I’ve been through too much to make a mountain from those little molehills.

Besides I like manners, and I like old fashioned manners too.

There’s nothing wrong with liking all of it and being a feminist.

I look outside and they’re both looking like they’ll be pretty busy for a while and I grab some potatoes and give them a fast wash and peel and turn on the hot water and fill a small pot and cut the potatoes into fast chunks.

Yeah I know there’s cooks that will never start a pot with hot water but I do since it’s just faster to boil. I add a little salt and then I get the range hood going full blast and open a few windows too and the window for the porch door.

I’m doing pork chops so it’s going to get smokey in here.

Okay, dad used to do this and I’m stealing it from him and that’s a double cut chop and a really hot cast iron frying pan because you want to sear it just like a steak. I unwrap the chops and I put a lot of simple salt and fresh pepper on them and rub the meat with a little canola oil and once the potatoes are in cooking I put all of the chops on and there’s that puff of smoke and sizzle and I go while they’re doing that and I take out some frozen broccoli and green beans and some frozen gravy and I heat them all up in the microwave stirring them and after two minutes I turn the chops and let them go for another two minutes before adding a little butter and half an onion per pan and let the sizzle happen and then after another minute I turn the chops once more and add the thawed gravy and turn them down to medium.

They’re pretty much ready or will be and this just sort of lets the butter to meld with the onion and gravy and get all cooked through.

I drain and mash the potatoes adding in some of my coffee creamer and some salt and mashing them really finely almost to a whip and then the veggies are done. I turn off the chops and grab some Tupperware and I take everything and head over after shutting the windows all up.

Brandon looks at me and I guess I timed things just right and he and the cowboy looking fellow are looking at me and I smile.

“I saw you were busy and I thought that I’d bring over some supper.”

He smiles. “That sounds actually really great Sam.”

The cowboy fellow dips his hat. “Well I should be going really; I have quite a drive to go yet.”

“I made enough for all of us sir, it beats having to stop at a restaurant right?”

He nods and smiles. “That’d be honestly good ma’am, it’s been a while since someone’s been so kind.”

He looks at Brandon who is opening the side door to the house. “C’mon inside Kent you can sit a spell and have some supper with us before you hit the road.”

I nod. “And given the weather it might be a good idea to see if it’ll get better too.”

He raises his hands. “Fair enough and honestly I’m looking forward to it.”

We all head inside and I help myself to Brandon’s dishes while he gets the three of us a beer and they both go and wash up while I set the table and then turn the radio on for some light music and while I’m not into country I do turn it to a country station since I’m not sure that Kent would be into rock music and it’s not really something to listen to as much as something in the background.

I am glad that Brandon didn’t have anything going for supper though it sort of hits that right spot for me to be able to do this for him and having company is nice too.

Brandon’s showing him around inside some and I take a quick look around for dessert and Brandon has some stuff that I can use and I take three apples and core them and then mix some butter, flour, brown sugar and cinnamon together and fill them and then just fire them in the microwave for a few minutes to get them mostly done while the oven warms and then pop them in just too slowly finish at medium.

They’re ready and I’m ready and I take the food in and I start to dish out the food.

Okay, I’m really happy at the way that the food goes down with Kent and Brandon eating with the smiles that a hungry guy has when they really enjoy something and we’re talking about things as we eat from the horses that Kent brought in from outside of Lethbridge and that they’re older show horses for the whole jumping thing and they needed a good home now that they’re older.

We talk about the time I spent in the forces and what I’m doing now and it’s nice to get that look of respect and thanks from him and that means a lot even if he doesn’t talk much about what I did or ask too many questions.

I mean it’s nice to know that people are thankful but sometimes some of the ways they go about talking about it thanking us just feels awkward. It’s still great that we get thanked but sometimes that thanks can just be really perfect in a kind smile and a nod.

Coming back from tour shouldn’t really be like winning a hockey or football game all the time.

I like Kent he’s one of those old guys that’s easy to take.

We even don’t have more than that one drink with supper and the guys are more than happy to dig into the streusel baked apples that I made and I even made a pot of coffee.

Kent leans back and sighs. “Ma’am that was a feast. It’s been a long time since I had a supper like that and years since I’ve had a baked apple.”

“You’re welcome Kent and its Sam.”

“Well that was a really fine meal and I’m glad that I was invited. Y’all don’t see that kinda thing anymore.”

“Well I was cooking for me and Brandon and you both looked like you had been working for some time getting the horses settled and I thought that I’d just put another chop on and a few more potatoes.”

“Still appreciated.”

He gets up and goes over and kisses me on the cheek and that was really nice too and I kiss his cheek back and I get them both more coffee and I go and do the few dishes and shoo them off and Brandon and him go outside while Kent has a smoke and it’s actually pretty charming that he smokes a pipe and they’re talking for some time while I get things all cleaned up and have another beer myself since I’m done for the evening and I’m just going home.

Brandon comes in and he smiles that warm secret smile at me and he goes over and gives me a hug. “That was an awesome supper and a really nice thing that you did.”

“I was just doing like I said; it wasn’t a big deal putting a little extra on.”

“Well it was to Kent, he said I’d better not let you go. Well he said that until I told him that you’re already married.”

“What’d he say about that?”

“Told me I best find your sister.”

I laugh and he helps me carry the Tupperware back over and he stays over and helps me with the dishes at home before heading back over after another big hug and a kiss on my cheek.

I love him, I love this and I’m glad that this is actually working for the three of us.

I clean up a little more and then it’s me and my books and I lock up and it’s me going up and off to the bedroom and a long hot shower and my pampering self-care routine and then some dilation before I end up listening to the radio and studying and waiting for Cass to call.

I’m just doing the sleepy nods in and out of studying when she calls and I answer it and fold my books shut and slip under the comforter.

“Hey Love.” I answer.

“Hey Beautiful, how was your day?” She sounds like she’s sleepy too but as happy to hear my voice as I am to hear hers.

We talk for close to an hour before at some point I fall asleep and I wake up and I see the call’s still connected and we’re still on speaker. It’ll be hell on our bill but there’s just something that’s sort of amazing about this.

I’m looking at my phone and trying to decide if I should say anything when I hear her yawn on the other side of the line and hear this happy, and amazing make my heart ache.

“Good morning beautiful, how’d you sleep?”

My wife, she stayed on the line with me all night on purpose…I pull her pillow into my arms and I hug it hard.

“I slept okay but this…It’s a great morning.”

“Mmm…good, I have to preggers pee so I’ll talk to you later hon?”

(Happy-sniffle.) “Yeah okay, I love you.”

“Love you too Mommy.”

I hear her lips touch her phone before hanging up and I’m sitting there hugging her pillow happy crying and even shaking a little too.

Bridges 48

*Before….

I’m looking at my phone and trying to decide if I should say anything when I hear her yawn on the other side of the line and hear this happy, and amazing make my heart ache.

“Good morning beautiful, how’d you sleep?”

My wife, she stayed on the line with me all night on purpose…I pull her pillow into my arms and I hug it hard.

“I slept okay but this…It’s a great morning.”

“Mmm…good, I have to preggers pee so I’ll talk to you later hon?”

(Happy-sniffle.) “Yeah okay, I love you.”

“Love you too Mommy.”

I hear her lips touch her phone before hanging up and I’m sitting there hugging her pillow happy crying and even shaking a little too.

*And Now…

It’s still pretty early but this was such a seriously good thing between Cass and I that I fall back down and hold the pillow and breathe in her smell as much as I can and then it goes from that and how amazing this was to me thinking about Cass.

Then thinking about Cass and I and her coming home and then it gets a little bit more intense as it drifts into the whole realm of daydream or morning dream meets fantasy and it’s only a matter of minutes before I’ve reached into our nightstand for one of our bed-friends and some lube and I indulge myself in ways that really hit me deeply.

It’s a strange and odd thing to say but having that kind of self-care like any other woman and having those feelings all in the right place…well it’s pretty powerful in its own right.

And yeah when you’re trans even something like this is something that’s a big deal in feeling right and like everything is finally in the right place.

Don’t get me wrong, I have liked all the other sex and intimate times I had before but a lot of that really was making do, trying to adjust and find some measure of balance in the whole need for release and sexuality stuff.

Post op, on the other side of things it’s actually changed the way I feel about sex a lot.

But regardless of that it was a great way to top off this whole amazing morning experience.

Hell if I was bolder than I am I might have tried to film it for Cass. (Blush.)

Though where she’s RCMP and the higher ups or cyber whatever might have access to her phone and stuff for like confidentiality reasons or security checks that might not be a great idea.

But I sort of like having the confidence to even come up with the thought in my head.

It’s seriously nice to have these kinds of feelings about someone.

Because after so long when you’re alone it sort of becomes this going through the motions thing and you sort of kind of hit this wall after you’re along long enough, after you’ve been on hormones long enough.

And I’m not a porn person or ever really was one.

So without like someone to have my emotions to synch with, it just sort of fizzled.

And honestly that really is worse in pre-op.

You hit that wall and part of you still want’s release but there’s zero drive, there’s the hormones sort of holding you back and then there’s the physical parts of things not working and it just is about the need for connection, connection that some of us don’t get.

I think that’s why you see so many pre-op folks end up in bad relationships after they’ve started transition. It’s the need for connection even if it’s bad for us.

Post-op it’s different, I mean even outside of a relationship it’s different because you’re post-op and you can do things that you never could…right things, right feeling things and that really helps the fantasy life able to be there.

I’m not like speaking for everyone of course and there’s a lot of trans folks that can never get the op done. But from my experiences so far and this is just for me it’s a whole new world.

I do a quickie shower just to get the sex off of me and I get ready for my morning run. Half a glass of orange juice and a mini-yogurt and then my multi-vitamins, hormones, meds and a calcium chew I head out with my pack stuffed with my running supplies.

I do try and get that stuff into me before I run actually because it all gets a boost from my running and getting my metabolism kick started for the day and I honestly think that my run endorphins dovetail nicely with my meds and my hormones.

I have my splash pants and jackets on and I head out into the morning air and it’s done being miserable out and it’s past even being foggy but it’s firmly in the whole mostly slush thing.

That’s the thing about running, because sometimes when you’re ready for it even when it’s bad it’s good. I’m splashing in the slush as I run and it’s getting on me and it’s chill but I’m wearing warm stuff under it all and it’s harder going but at the same time it’s good too.

The weather makes me feel my leg though all the more and even that’s good. It lets me know I’m up and mobile and that as much as it hurts I can do this.

God it’s nice to have this feeling.

The top of the hill feels especially good to get to this morning. My bottle of water and granola bar feel like a victory dance and then it’s back and all the way to the garage and a stop for my coffee there and talking to the regulars there and a pee break and then it’s back home.

I’m feeling it a little more able this morning so I step up my tempo and really put a much harder pace on all the way home and I’m panting and walking it off in a cool down and using that to wipe and clean off my car and then shovel or rather push the few inches of snow slush off my walk and steps with the shovel before I head inside and put the coffee on and put my run things that need to go in the wash into the was with some other things that won’t get hurt by the slush.

Then it’s showering and then getting dressed and ready for work at the hospital and taking my books and notes with me too and I stop long enough for me to watch the morning news a little while eating a slice of multi-grain bread with some cream cheese on it and a scrambled egg.

The drive in wasn’t too bad except for the vast number of cars already in parking that I drive past and it looks like we’re going to be busy already.

It’s a warn wet winter this year and that means it’s still cold enough to be winter but it’s also damp, and the kind of weather that just loves colds and flu and all those other lovelies.

And I’m back into the triage department again.

That’s good though it’s getting my diagnosis chops back into practice and honestly they need that since it’s been that long and we see a lot of different things here that we do over in Afghanistan.

And I end up playing miss translator too as we not only get in some families that are in the waiting room that speak English but it’s their second language and they speak Arabic as their main language being from Iran.

And it’s the grandfather who’s having chest pains and the relief on their faces is palatable as I get assigned to go with them. Do we have some people that speak Arabic here other than me? Well there’s a few but they’re all in other departments and I can be spared as I’m still technically doing reorientation.

He’s right on the edge of pneumonia, and that’s a thing here. A lot of folks that grew up in other climates sometimes get hit with the weather here being so damp or humid and they’re not used to it, especially with the older folks who just have a harder time adjusting than the younger folks.

I still get a good deal of looks from some of the staff since I’m very fluent. You get that way talking to villagers or going in doing a clinic or being at the base clinic.

Though I do have to dodge the questions about my spouse when they approvingly find out that I’m married. Don’t get me wrong there’s some folks that are cool with lesbian relationships and couples but the grandfather looks very traditional and it takes a few deft changes of subject and then talking about his family and how they’re finding Bridgeview.

That starts the complaints. (Grins)

That’s sort of the thing about being fluent, when they think that they can talk to you they will and if it’s in their language they’ll tell you stuff that they’d never think of saying in English.

And a lot of it’s valid gripes with the taxes and the roads. Our roads are very much the victim of the logging trucks and they do a lot of damage that is very, very backlogged in repairs.

Then it’s some of the racist stuff in town and that’s from some of the same crowd that I’ve had to deal with. Oh it’s that whole thing that if you’re brown you’re a Paki.

Never mind that geographically they’re way the hell off.

Then we’re talking about food.

They have a take-out in one of the utility mini-malls down in the industrial park. And they make fresh lavash bread and something that I had over in Afghanistan that I liked and recognized that I didn’t know was from there called Chicken-tah-chin which is actually a large meatloaf sized rice cake that’s kind of like paella with the crispy rice and things.

It actually sounds pretty interesting and that they serve some of their native fare and from what they’re telling me that I didn’t know that there’s a fair middle eastern and Asian immigrant population starting up here in town with the pulp mills in the area and some of the fishing and the fish producers which is why they put their play in the industrial park.

Yeah that won’t make the bigots happy at all.

And Canada has no shortage of bigots and racists; we’re just a lot quieter about that stuff internationally.

All in all they were happy and they thanked the staff on their way out and I got a paper menu from them that the grandfather just happened to have a bunch of. I might actually go there after work and get some take out.

As much as I am super glad to be home and out of things right now it sort of felt good and familiar in a strange sort of way to be talking Arabic again while taking care of people.

It’s a much smother morning though all in all and I actually end up talking with Tina again at break while we’re having doughnuts from one of the local places and one of the doctors brought them in hot and fresh for us and some other places as she came in to do rounds up on the nursing floors.

Mmm… soft, soft light and airy yeast raised bun doughnut with cinnamon and sugar and filled with actual apple jelly.

We talk about stuff so far on shift sort of commiserating about patients and things that’s happened. We do that a lot, gripe and complain. We do it out of sight and earshot about patients that drive us loopy but we do that with some of the doctors and the administration too.

Honestly though the worse part of the hospital is a tie between the day surgery crews because they’re literally the popular kids and clique here or in most hospitals and then there’s the specialists.

Specialists are a pain in the ass because they’re here and gone, they think they’re better than the house staff a lot of the time and even the good ones are abysmal with stuff like paperwork.

I do gush about Cass though and the call that lasted all night and the morning little stuff that she said and how that feels and I don’t hide the fact that I’m trans or that Cass and I are wife and wife and Tina’s good with it.

Actually she says that she hopes her daughter Nadine actually finds a nice girl sometime and I get this rant about how much she hates her daughter’s teenaged girlfriends and the super fourteen year old lesbian hormones and just how everything is just sooo dramatic and screaming when she’s not trying to keep each other out of their pants.

It’s funny and it’s not even with gay and lesbian and bi kids underage sex is still pretty serious stuff.

I grab my things and head back to triage and I look at the chart and then at the inpatient sheet for the next patient and I double check and then slip out to see if it’s true.

Oh damn, My Ex is there in the waiting room for outpatients waiting to be seen.

Bridges 49

*Before…

I do gush about Cass though and the call that lasted all night and the morning little stuff that she said and how that feels and I don’t hide the fact that I’m trans or that Cass and I are wife and wife and Tina’s good with it.

Actually she says that she hopes her daughter Nadine actually finds a nice girl sometime and I get this rant about how much she hates her daughter’s teenaged girlfriends and the super fourteen year old lesbian hormones and just how everything is just sooo dramatic and screaming when she’s not trying to keep each other out of their pants.

It’s funny and it’s not even with gay and lesbian and bi kids underage sex is still pretty serious stuff.

I grab my things and head back to triage and I look at the chart and then at the inpatient sheet for the next patient and I double check and then slip out to see if it’s true.

Oh damn, My Ex is there in the waiting room for outpatients waiting to be seen.

*And Now…

Really?
WTF life?
I really, really didn’t want to see Tanya ever again.
And this is twice.
I know it’s not a coincidence, she knew where I was from even if I thought she barely paid attention to stuff like that with me.
I watch her for a little while and she’s there with a coffee from Satchel’s Cafe in town that’s one of those trendy hipster coffee places. Tanya’s a coffee snob and one of those folks that’d just google the trendiest spot in town and then take a cab and either charge the whole thing or bill it to a client.

Y’know one of those folks that’d never set foot in any kind of chain place.

I’m okay with mom and pops but real people work chain places and those are sometimes the only jobs they can get. People shouldn’t get all uppity over things that come from ordinary places.

Sigh… I really don’t want to have to deal with this, with her but there’s a lot of stuff in nursing that’s just like this.

Besides my life’s on a good course right now so why wouldn’t it shove my ex in my face again.

Oh…oh wow…and not in a good way I see her actually adjust her top button of her blouse so there’s more of her showing and Tanya was always good at stuff like that really, showing off and looking quite sexual and yet just within keeping the sort of look of respectability.

Dammit.

I sigh and I look at Tina. “I know this one; I’m going to leave the door open on this side okay?”

Tina looks at me. “Trouble?’

“My ex-actually only it’s been years so she hasn’t recognized me yet and she’s already hit on me once.”

“You didn’t tell her?”

“No, I really wasn’t ready for her crap on the train.”

“Oh okay that’s a story then?’

“Yeah long story short she’s one of those radical lesbians but just enough out of the box for it to be alright for her to use toys on me and me service her and her brag to her feminist friends that she had a pretty little trans male in his rightful place.”

“Wow…what a bitch.”

“I was younger and I was just off from the hospital and starting rehab and then I was just starting my transition and coming out so I was really, really eager to please folks and be accepted.”

Tina’s glaring at her. “Jesus what a piece of work.”

“That’s why I want this door open, just in case she tries something or tries to start something or just decides to lie about something.’

“Oh…you’re going to tell her aren’t you?”

I nod and sort of smile. “I was through her crap one and now she’s hitting on me because she doesn’t remember me and I’m done with that and her really.”

“Okay I’ll stick close and keep an ear out.’

I head into the triage room. That’s the room we call folks in to get accessed and I leave the back door open. Now this isn’t illegal in any way and it’s common procedure when we have someone that’s a questionable patient.

See the back door is past the counter of the outpatient’s area and therefore it’s off limits to non-hospital staff so the rules of confidentiality get waved in a way. We still can’t compromise their health information or anything like that but staff can watch out for harm since there is no public access at that door.

I go to the front door and call out. “Tanya, I will triage you now.”

She looks up and she smiles and she slides up from sitting in that glide she used to use on me. Tanya for she was all feminist hardcore she was and is what is called a femme in the lesbian community.

She’s also a power femme so it’s high end and business attire and she uses that as a weapon and a sexy tool.

Long legs and expensive heels and I know everything else is too.

She actually widens her smile and gives herself a little more pop to her chest when she sees me and she recognizes me…sort of.

“Oh allo, eets you Cherie from the train.”

“It is, it’s unusual to see you here.”

“Oh qui eet is but I thought to stop ere as I knew that you were ici and you might be working today. And friendly face makes me feel at ease as they say.”

“People do say that but I would think that you would have preferred going to the hospital in Vancouver than being here.’

“Qui that is true but I remembered that this was your stop so I took the chance.”

“I did tell you that I am happily married Tanya.”

“Oh qui but still I just wanted another chance to see you again.”

I roll my eyes and she looks at me. “Do I get no points for being persistent?”

“No because you being persistent Tanya is not what I want, what I want is for you to respect when I tell you I’m with someone.”

“But she does not even know me?”

“I know you.”

“Non, you do not and I am coming on a petit beet to strong but you are very lovely and you are so used to being here in the…uhm…steeks to know how good le more modaren relationsheeps are these days are in the lesbian community in beegere cities.”

“Yes I do know you Tanya and I know what the community used to be like in Montreal Tanya I mean we used to live together.”

She does a double take and then is staring at me with a thoughtful yet intense look like she’s trying to remember.

I sigh and tap my employee name tag. It says Sam Chase on it.

She looks a minute and she stares and I see things clicking together in her head.

“Samaritan?”

“You never recognized me did you?’

“Non…wait you live here?”

“Yes and you knew that you just did realize that I am me.”

“But…but you don’t look like you. You look…?”

“Like what, not the girl that you tried to invent?”

“I deed no such ting.’

“Tanya you started dating me and you pulled me into your little crowd and dressed me up to match all of your stereotypes that you wanted about trans women and then made yourself seem so progressive about helping your GNC lover.”

“I helped you before moi you were juste anothere man in zee dress.”

“But that wasn’t the real me, it wasn’t the woman that I am. I don’t really wear dresses that much or do a lot of the girly things that you had me do while we were together.”

“You’re not a woman Samaritan you are une facimilee.” That one hurt, a solid emotional hit.

“I was enough of one that you hit one me on the train and with me today.” It’s not the old days I hit back Tanya.

“Ah yes, qui…does your wife know what she has married?”

“Yes and we’re happy.” Tanya looks pissed at that news.

“And ze homme that was with you?”

“Not really your business.”

“I think that you are fooling people Samaritan, I think that you are fooling all of them and that they should hear from someone that knows you.”

I laugh at her. “You go do that Tanya, I’m out and I’m married my life’s my life but it’s not exactly a secret either. Now they can come up and ask me all sorts of questions and I can answer them with the fact that both times that you’ve seen me after we broke up all those years you hit on me. And not just hit on me but you did so with zero consideration for the fact that I said no or that I’m married.”

“I will fucking scream.” She says looking at me and her voice turning to ice. “I will scream and you’re a fucking man people will believe me over you and I will say that you sexually assaulted me.”

Her accent’s gone and she’s glaring at me.

“You haven’t changed, you got this mad way back when I wouldn’t agree with you that I’m not a man because you say so. That I absolutely refused to say to your friends that trans women were trans women instead of just being women.”

“You’re a man, you were born a man with all that fucking privilege and all the socialization that comes with it Samaritan.”

“Trans people are socialized as their gender Tanya we’re just buried in the closet when we got through it.”

She gets up and she grabs her purse. “You’re even worse now than then Samaritan.”

“I’m a lot less of a doormat these days, that’s never been attractive for you has it?’

She growls. “I hate you…I’ll make you sorry you ever crossed me bitch.” She grabs her coffee and makes like she was going to sling it at me and she was taking a deep breath to scream and Tina swings the door open.

“That’s fucking enough. Robbie will you escort this woman off the property?”

One of our security boys was there behind her and Tanya looks angry and yet confused and surprised. “Wait…what…? No he was coming on to me, he was assaulting me.”

Tina huffs at her. “Stop lying you useless potato, Sam thought there might be trouble so this entire time I was right outside listening to you and all of your hateful bull.”

Tanya snaps at her. “That violates medical privilege!”

Tina glares at her. “It would if we were discussing your case but we’re not and you haven’t even been assessed yet.”

Robbie comes in and opens the outside main door of the triage room. “Time to leave.”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” She yelled at him and he holds the door open with his foot and he raises his hands.

“I’m not going to touch you but you have to leave the grounds and you either do it now or we call the police and have you taken out of here.”

She’s glaring at all of in turns and she slams her coffee into the garbage can so hard it splashes and she stalks out and Robbie follows. She gets into it with him when he makes her leave the property not even letting hr stay on our sideway or grounds or even our parking lot to wait for her cab.

All the way out to the road and she is really, really not happy as he stays until she is picked up by a taxi and everyone driving past can see her and him and know something happened that she was escorted out.

I watch her and I sigh.

Tina rubs my back. “You alright?’

“No…I’ll deal but seeing Tanya again brought up a lot of old past hurts.”

“It sounded like a bad relationship.”

I sigh again and nod. “It was but I learned that My transition was Mine and not hers or anything about it for her.”

Tina rubs my back. “Go for a coffee, I’ll cover you for a while and then we can talk later at lunch?”

I nod. “A coffee would be great.”

I start leaving and Tina says to me. “Sam…call you wife, this is a call your wife thing.”

I nod and actually smile as I take my phone out because…because now I can actually do that now.

Talk out the hurt stuff.