A Psalm of Dorothy

My God, I am in distress

And my sorrow threatens to drown me

All I want to do is serve you

Love you

But I do not understand you

Do my tears please you?

What benefit is there for you in my pain?

Would my being complete make a difference to you

That you would rather condemn me to hell instead?

For Justice has fled the earth Lord,

And Mercy has become a captive

But like Anna at the temple

Still I wait for you

Until you restore my soul

When you do, I will be able to sing your praises to the people

And my voice will be heard in the throng

And all the people will see your blessings on me

And will give you glory for your great mercy

Which uplifts the weak and helpless

So do not tarry God

But act quickly, lest your servant be overcome

Do not let my enemy win God

For you are my only hope

And your great loving-kindness never fails

Amen

Big Closet is Like Heaven

Tried to be a boy, although it felt so strange
knew I was a girl, told I was insane
needed a place where they knew my name.
A friendly place, instead of more of the same

A fish out of water, a lion out of the jungle
(was a) A fish out of water, a lion out of the jungle
I needed to be me, to be me, somewhere to be me
I've got BC fever, someone showed me some love

found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

I was hiding from the world, trying to be a man
felt like there was nowhere I could take a stand
wanted to take off the mask, take down the screen
go to a place where I can be the real me

found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven

Feels like heaven
feels like heaven
feels like heaven
BC is like heaven

I finally feel at home
I finally feel at home
I finally feel at home.
BC is like heaven

Big Closet is like heaven
Big Closet is like heaven
Its like heaven

(Based on Madagascar 2 - The Traveling Song)

Bleeding

Author’s note. This is a poem that popped into my head today. Its gonna be tough, as it deals with sexual abuse. Please be careful reading it.

(I cant do music, but imagine a soft, sad guitar playing while you read this)

I’m ... bleeding ...

just when he entered me

Bleeding ...

never will be free

Bleeding ...

cant let anyone see

Bleeding ...

what he made of me

Bleeding ...

and no one can ever know

Bleeding ...

so its go on with the show

Still bleeding ....

Bleeding ...

(imagine a soft guitar instrumental here)

Bleeding ...

stuff all the pain inside

Bleeding ...

from the world I hide

Bleeding ...

so filled with shame

Bleeding ...

because I took the blame

Bleeding ...

cant show anyone my tears

Bleeding ...

to scared to face my fears

So I keep bleeding ....

Still bleeding ...

(instrumental)

Bleeding ...

will I ever heal

Bleeding ...

show a face that’s real

Bleeding ...

will there be any love for me

Bleeding ...

if the truth they see

Bleeding ...

try to hold on

Bleeding ...

and hope for a different song

And the day I stop ...

Bleeding ...

(Instrumental and fade)

BOXES by Dorothy Colleen

On every form I am sent
There is a box I must fill
Each time that it comes up
It gives me such a chill
Male - female
Mr. , Miss
Check one box
They do insist
Pick one that fits you
Decide your fate
But it’s a question
I have come to hate
No matter what side
Which one I choose
It’s only a game
And I always lose
No matter my answer
It feels so wrong
An alternative I seek
My feelings are strong
One day I may break out
Find my own voice
Not let my spirit
Be someone else’s choice
But windows have shutters
And doors have locks
And for now I am stuck
Defined in a box

Broken

Was there ever a moment when I wasn’t broken?

Do my fractures have an origin, or was I conceived shattered, destined to be in pieces before I took a breath?

I look back, try to retrace the movements that led me to where I am, and I cannot find a moment when these cracks didnt exist, no time when I was ever whole.

But does how it began matter, really?

My task is the same regardless - to try and take the shards of self and see if I can carefully work them back together.

And then maybe, just maybe, when I’m done I’ll be like a stained glass window - adding beauty to the light that shines through me.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s already happening now.

Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing?

CANDLES

I light a candle on my sill today
In the name of a friend passed away
My life a little darker now
My knees bend, my head I bow
As I struggle to answer why
My friend would choose to die

A story finished way too soon
Death brings shadow to sun and moon
Tears will flow down the side of my face
‘cause in my heart an empty place
So I light a candle, beat back the night
End the dark, erase the fright

Oh my God, to you I pray
As I light a candle on this day
My window sill is filled you see
With too many candles, so no more please
May this be the last time God, I sigh
That my heart breaks and tears I cry
To all who suffer, when it seems bleak
You must go through the valley to find the peak
I beg you now, please hold on
Remember every night turns back to dawn

A candle simply cant replace
A life, a touch, a soul, a face
Please seek help, reach out, I cry
Call on me, I will listen I will try
don’t take your life, please don’t kill
don’t be reduced to a candle on a sill

Contact

Her gait unsteady
Eyes that see poorly
She is vulnerable
As a child
But with an adult body

She takes my hand
Hers are scarred
Broken by bite marks
She locks our fingers
Slight smile on her face
As she giggles

As if the fog lifts for a moment
I wonder at her thoughts
Then connection broken
She lets go

And returns to her dreams
Now only memory remains
As the only evidence

That this fleeting moment
Happened at all

Dear God

Some people claim they know just how to reach you

The best way to pray

Some say on your knees

Some say with your hands in the air

I will try either way

Or both

If you will just listen

Because I have a question

I have just got to ask you

Would it be ok

If I was your daughter

Instead of your son?

I promise to dress extra pretty for church

And I will give my boyclothes to charity

I don’t want to offend you

I just need to know

Do I go forward?

Or have I gone too far?

Some people think I am just playing

But you know better, right?

It’s a serious question

I want you to love me

I don’t want to go to hell

And I know you are busy

But I would like to know

Will you pick me up in your arms

And be my Daddy forever?

I will be a good girl, God

I promise

Because right now I am crying

Because this hurts so much

So please

Wont you send some love to me?

So I know you still want me?

I will try and wait for an answer God

But sooner would be better

Because I don’t know how much more I can take

before its too much

So please send an angel

Because I am still your child

Amen

FLINCH

Be careful how you approach me

Sorry if I flinch

You see, sometimes

When a car backfires

Or I receive an unexpected touch

Even from a welcome hand

And I am back in the past

Lost in a nightmare

Like a child in a dark room

And even ordinary things

Take on a dangerous shape

And I tend to remove myself from danger

By drawing within

So be careful how you approach me

Sorry if I flinch

GARDEN OF LOVE/ SCORCHED EARTH

I pass by a garden of love
Once planted and tended by a pair of friends
Now reduced to a tinder
Bare and black with ash

The gardeners sit in opposite corners
Unwilling to surrender their part
Of the savaged earth
Each guilty of striking the match
That set the place ablaze
It was lost quickly to the fire
Because there is no hotter flame
Than the one that blazes
When love turns to spite
I hope that this garden will serve as a warning
And remind all gardeners of the dangers
Of the weeds of neglect
The withering rot of loss of respect
But especially the risk
Of such an overwhelming flame
That even the children planted in the garden
Can be destroyed
Or carry burn scars ever after.

Good Days/Bad Days

On Good days

I look at myself and say

‘When did I get so strong?”

“How did I become so brave”

“Who is the beautiful woman I see in the mirror?”

But it doesnt last

And bad days come again

And I feel weak

And scared

And ugly

I know I cant go back to being a boy

But it seems like I have no way to become a girl

And have no guarantee it would be any better for me if I could be one

I feel stuck and trapped and have no hope

lonely and worthless

On those days

I try and remember the things I am grateful for

My friends, my job, my daughter, my God

And how far I’ve come on the journey in such a short time

And hold on

Until the good days come again.

GRANNY’S SONG

When I was a young girl, my granny held me on her knee
She used to tell me stories about our great country

Stories about the riggin’ men and the cowboys true
About the winters so cold, turn your fingers blue

She taught me right from wrong, to be good to everyone
And to never leave a chore alone, until it has been done

Sometimes I could ride a horse, or go in a pickup truck
I thought that nobody else had ever had such luck

She would sing of the river red, and how she would long
For the range, and her man, my granddaddy, who was so strong

I would come from the city, filled with dirt and smog
Just to hear her sing, ride a swing, and play with the dog

Her love for me was so great, I could never pay her back
I did what I could for her, her hay I would help stack

So one day I asked a favour, to write the words to her song
To make sure that the old stories would be sure to live on

I wanted to make her proud, so she would know that one day there
I would go into the country, and sit upon a chair

I would take my child, and put her on my knee
And tell the same sweet stories, that my granny had told me

The stories will never die, they will go on and on
The memories are made fresh, they come alive in this song

GRASP THE SWORD TIGHTLY
by Dorothy Colleen

There is a sword being forged

Called “Being Male”

Forged in fires hot as the sun

The crowd has demanded

I grasp the blade

No protection

No time for it to cool

To ignore the searing pain

And the smell of my burning flesh

And wield the sword always

And they will never let me let it go

Haunted

I remember the moment I became haunted.

Kindergarten, first day, they lined us up

Boys on one side, girls on the other

And as soon as they put me with the boys, the haunting began

The ghost being the girl I should have been

And as time went by

That haunting, that echo of what could have been

Only grew worse.

Until the day the doctor took me the first time

And my mind split

And the girl went deep inside

And I started being haunted by darker things

But that girl wouldnt stay hidden

So i became doubly haunted

My body a home for ghosts

Time passed

Torment ebbed and flowed

Until I got brave enough to face my ghosts

Merged the girl back inside

So she could finally grow up to be a woman

And I was haunted by her no more

And shrunk down the memories of horror

Until they were manageable size

At least most of the time

And good days outnumbered bad

And although at times I’m still haunted

My ghosts are less scary

I’ll take it.

End

For Maggie Finson

Helene's Song

Trapped in female form
With a chip inside my brain
I must obey its every whim
or suffer tremendous pain

Mostly made to be a wife
keep the house clean and sweep
act as happy as I can
although inside I weep

But sometimes I am commanded
to play the wanton slut
Show off my tits and ass
wear high heels and strut

my “master” laughs on those days
he knows the shame I feel
when forced to beg for sex
pretend our “love” is real

my torment continues day to day
no end I did foresee
unless my “master got bored
and ended my life, set me free

But then this ghost, this girl arrived
she walked through my wall today
knew the truth, said she would avenge
my tormentors she'd make pay

Not much freedom she could give me
just enough to find a gun
take my life, end my pain
deny them all their fun
My soul released to heaven's care
bright shining as the sun
revenge I leave to her care
she will not rest 'till its done

As for me, I am at rest
my soul has found its peace
and I pray for that girl
that she should find release

So I pray for her, as I send my thanks
for taking me from hell
I will keep watch, and comfort send
and her story I will tell

for although evil men must pay
it can stain the soul
and she deserves much more
than pay such dreadful toll

Hybrid by Dorothy Colleen

I am a hybrid
A mixture
2 sides in conflict
Male and female spirits
Collide within
Each contending
Each in turn
Ascends then
Descends again
Could they ever blend
Mix together
Make a synthisis
Stronger than either alone
Only time will tell
But for now I wait
To see the shape that will emerge
From my inner shell
And my transformation
To be complete
And for the day when I am whole
And strong
At last.

I Hate My Toes: A Trans Girl’s Lament

I hate my toes,
I hate my nose
And I really hate it when my belly shows

I hate my hair
I had to share
That I really dont think it’s fair

Because If I was perfect,
in every way
I’d be happy
Or so I say

I hate my ears
They’re out to here
or at least that’s what I fear

I hate my lips
I hate my hips
and I really hate it when my clothing slips

But if I was perfect
in every way
I’d be happy
Or so I say

I find faults in every part
and it really breaks my heart

That I need to be perfect
in every way
to be happy
Or so I say

But my love say’s that I’m perfect
just as I am today
And that makes me happy
as I work and play

She loves my toes
She loves my nose
And She loves it when my belly shows

She love my hair
She stops and stares
And she says we make the perfect pair

Yes my love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day

She loves my ears
they make her cheer
And she’s taking away all my fears

She loves my lips
She loves my hips
And she really loves it when my clothing slips

My love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day

I no longer have a broken heart
no longer find faults in every part

Because my love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day

End

It's Only Grief

You come up to me
Say “Why so sad?
You look so glum
you must feel bad”

I wish to say
“It's too much this pain
it overwhelms
comes again and again

But it's only grief
it's only grief”

You'd say “whats this pain?
What makes you down
and turns a smile
into a frown?”

I think “it's simple
I'm a man outside
but within my heart
a girl does reside

But it's only grief
it's only grief”

You'd ask“I'd like to know
how this could be
when you look
like a male to me”

“But it's true!”
I'd exclaim with zeal
“I know this girl
within is real

But it's only grief
it's only grief”

“You must be mad!
And put away!
We could cure you”
That's what you'd say

“No madness now”
I would reply
“And from such 'cure'
I would fly”

You would state
“you're lost in sin!
To think you're male without
and a girl within”

“No sin intended,
no shame, says I
For to God I cling,
and pray” I'd cry

“But it's only grief
It's only grief

Now speak no more!
Be silent, voice!
I cannot stop
I have no choice!

One day this grief
it will be gone
and left behind
while I go on”

Those are the words
inside my heart
but I dont say outloud
my lips don't part.

Athough my heart may break
no one will see
for I can't say yet
“Let me be me”

It's only grief
my secret shame
I hate it so
myself I blame

One day that will change
may it be soon
I pray to God
to grant this boon

I'll stand up proud
say with relief
“I will be true
have no more grief”

Until that day
I struggle so
and because of fear
you will never know

Lie to me

Lie to me

Tell me I’m okay.

‘cause all I see is darkness

When I look my way

My failures grow like flowers

My weakness steals my powers

so

Lie to me

And tell me I’m okay.

****

Lie to me

Tell me I’m okay

‘Cause my sin is ever before me

And I find it hard to pray

All I see is grief I’ve caused

till I wish my life had paused

So

Lie to me

And tell me I’m okay.

****

Lie to me

Tell me I’m okay

‘cause when I look in the mirror

I wonder where beauty went away

My outer flaws are seen by all who are

and within is worse by far

So

Lie to me

And tell me I’m okay

****

Lie to me

Tell me I’m okay

‘cause maybe we can make it true

And not just a game to play

In being loved I find worth

In bringing joy I find mirth

So maybe you wont have to

Lie to me

When you say I’m okay

End

Masks

Each day as I rise from my bed
Daily chore I’ve come to dread
Which mask of mine I must wear
For God forbid my face go bare

Part lie, part truth in each mask
Made to help me complete my tasks
But lately something’s happening
Don’t know if I should cry or sing

The masks are becoming a blend
Each taking from each is the trend
I can see when I will have but one
Be myself when I am done

Then I won’t need to hide
I will even have some pride
But until then I will use my masks
So I can complete my daily tasks

MISSING

I leave behind the usual clutter
Of unfinished business,
Regrets, and roads not taken in life

I also leave my heart poured out on paper
Undiscovered glimpses of my life
To be enjoyed by any who find them good

Or perhaps to be ridiculed,
As being too soft and light for the modern world

Whatever the fate of my work,
It seems petty, in the face of the poetry
Of my true and final resting place

I say now to those who might care for me
“Do not look for me in the harsh lights of the city
Nor in the cool foothills of the mountains
I have gone home to stay”

It may be that some foolish person
Will disregard this premonition

They will no doubt decide
To make the following inscription
In all mortal records

“D.C.B., poet
Missing,
Presumed Dead”

NYLON STOCKINGS
by Dorothy Collen

Magic material
Concealing, yet
Revealing

Turn pretty toes into
Velvet soft cat-feet
Eyes travel up
Past hem lines
Into mystery
Where thighs meet
The stockings are smooth
And soft to touch
Why can’t looking be enough
Or touch them while they are on another?
Why must I want to share
In this feminine ritual?

I am addicted
A prisoner held in silk bondage
I will never be free
Until I die
My craving gets worse every day
My body now in agony
My mind broken
I give in and put them on
But it’s never enough
More and more feminine, I crave
Until nothing male remains

One Summer Day

Just a bit of Poetry. Enjoy!

One Summer day, the girls who would be boys,

put on dirty clothing, and play with roughhouse toys

And one summer day, the boys who would be girls

Grab some pretty dresses, and begin to dance and twirl.

But one summer day, seems like its not enough

for boys who would be gentle, and girls who would be rough.

So one summer day, I looked up to the sky,

and composed a prayer, as tears I began to cry

“Oh Father of all children, who delights in joy,

I humbly come in the name of each special girl and boy

It seems that these special ones need extra care and love

So craft a special blessing and send it from above.

Take this summer day they’re having, and if it isnt wrong

and make the gift it gives them last the whole year long.”

Then I heard a whisper, and in my heart it spoke

A message I would carry, when in the world I woke.

“The day will come, my dearest child, when these shall receive

a special welcome in my House, and they will never leave.

So take comfort, my child, and when your race is run

You will join the celebration, and to my arms you will come”

So I woke, and now must wait, but I can truly say

that the whole of Heaven’s time

will be like that summer day.

Only Yours

For Kylie, with all my love

(1) Yours is the voice I long to hear
telling me its okay
Sweet whispers in my ear
I want them night and day

(2) Yours is the face I want to see
When I close my eyes to dream
Somehow you’ve become to me
my heart’s most wanted theme

(Chorus) Only yours, only yours
I will always be only yours
till my life ends on heaven’s shores
only yours, only yours

(3) Yours is the hand I want in mine
walking beside me as I go
together we would make the climb
oh God I pray it will be so

(4) Yours is the life I want to share
every single day I am alive
we would make the perfect pair
and so to that goal I strive

(Repeat Chorus)

Yours, Its what I want to be
companion in a love that’s true
joined together for all to see
starting with the words “I do”

Only yours, only yours, only yours
Only yours, only yours, only yours

(Repeat Chorus)

Only yours, only yours, only yours
Only yours, only yours, only yours

(Repeat and fade)

PILLAR TO POST

Pillar to post, I’ve been beaten
Cant win the game they’re always cheatin’
Behind me only failure
Ahead of me who can tell yah

Where do you go when the dream has ended
Got a broken heart can’t be mended
Where do you go when home’s the danger
The one you love’s become a stranger

Fix the rules, change the game
I refuse to be the one to blame
State the case, take a stand
Be on the rock, not on the sand

Although it seems I am alone
I’ll endure my cross to reach my home
‘cause I’m convinced its in the plan
And that all things are in his hand

I won’t give up, I will endure
Because I’m loved I am sure
I will pray, I will trust
I can, I will, I know I must

Pillar to post, I’ve been beaten
I’ll win the game despite the cheatin’
Put behind me all my failure
No matter what, I’m here to tell yah

PUNISHMENT

Yes, my love, I am the guilty one
I made you lose your cool
I came home late or

smiled at another man
Not your fault you got jealous

Of course I should have never talked back
Or failed to straighten up the house
Because I know those things make you mad

I know that you are sorry
The flowers are very nice
I believe you when you say
You would not go so far again

I would gladly take you back
As I have before
If only I could
But feel free to drop on by
And leave more roses on my grave.

RINGS

2 wedding bands sit side by side

On my dresser table

Last sad reminders of our vows together

Yours broke in two long ago

A prophecy of our doom

Mine now tarnished, its faded glow

Reflecting the dying embers of our love

Maybe someday I will find the courage

To take those rings

And melt them into something new

A symbol of hope for my life

And for the time yet to come.

Shame, Shame

“Its all my fault!

If I hadnt dressed like a girl

let my true self out for a twirl

he wouldnt have wanted to hurt me

take my body, then desert me

Why didnt I bash him on the nose?

what went wrong that made me froze?

So I stuff my girl self deep inside

even though it makes me cry

and within I start to die

Because it was all my fault!”

“Its all my fault!

If I hadnt told the doc of my distress

of my wish to wear a dress

he wouldnt have made me his toy

to show me what happens to a sissy boy

Why did I trust him with my secret self

instead of keeping it on the shelf?

So I spend my remaining years

lost and unable to face my fears

and I weep till I drown in my tears

Because it was all my fault!”

Shame, shame, that’s the refrain

We hear it within, it will never change

As long as we hold inside our guilt

till it becomes the prison that we’ve built

To be released is to face our fear

confront a lie we’ve held so dear

The truth will set us free they say

but we cant do that, so inside we stay

and take a price not ours to pay

Until at last we can say

IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT!

She

She / Born

Nameless / Hidden

He / Named

Loved / Known

Then

Meeting / Merging

Then

Pain / Guilt

Sorrow / Regrets

She / Buried

Alive / Helpless

Then

Whispers / Nudges

He / Experiments

But

Guilt / Vows

Taken / Broken

Taken / Again

Then

He / Journeys

Inward / Takes

Risk

Re-Acquaintance / Rediscovery

But

Guilt / Shame

Self-hate / Despair

Returns

But

She / Growing

He / Weakening

Until

She / Dominates

But

Barriers / Hopelessness

Grief

Prayers

Answered / Now

Receives / Grace

Support / Endurance

Patience / Hope

Songs (Parodies)

START THE RAIN

Lord, as I walk ‘cross a dry and thirsty place

And I don’t know when water last touched my face

Start the rain, start the rain

Although all I see is barren sand

I know I am still in your hand

Start the rain, start the rain

And though you seem far away

I know that all I have to do is pray

Start the rain, start the rain

No other name can save me, no

I trust in you though hot winds blow

Start the rain, start the rain

My enemies may surround

The hot sun may pound

Still I will wait for the sound

Of your trumpets resound

And the water will start to fall

When you give an answer to my call

And start the rain, start the rain.

Storms: an angry night

As I lay in my bed tonight

Storms outside matches my inner fight

Visions of spiders weaving the web of fate

Of witches on the moor with a future state

But today I resist sin’s siren call

Avoid the trap which would make me fall

My weapon words of truth spoken out loud

Only thing to drown the terrible crowd

Today instead of fear I feel anger within

At the seductive power of my sin

Today I can only feel the rage

And push the monster back to its cage

But anger cannot help but fade away

And my darkness will wait to make a play

But tonight is mine, I escape the grip

Avoid the trap and do not trip

Too bad that tomorrow is another night

And another battle in the war I fight

So I must keep ready sword and shield

And guard my will not to yield

Until in God’s house I rest my case

And he wipes the tears from my face

I will rely on Him to declare me free

And my debt paid when Him I see

This is the hope that helps keep me on

Struggling through the storm until the dawn

STRIP CLUB

The room is dark
The music loud
The audience is tense
A woman appears
Takes small steps

On high heels
I look at her face
Eyes are empty
She begins to sway
But each step rehearsed
Routine
Without meaning
She counts the beat
As she removes her clothes
As a machine
No joy, no love, no life
I look at the crowd
They all look alike
Cold eyes
No signs of life
Of hope
Not even lust
She is finished
Naked
But no more revealed
Like nothing has touched her heart
I leave staggering
Like a survivor of a disaster

SURVIVOR’S PLEDGE

I AM A SURVIVOR

I HAVE SURVIVED (put your challenge here)

TODAY I PLEDGE

TO NO LONGER LET THESE EVENTS/CHALLENGES

DEFINE ME, CONSTRAIN ME

OR KEEP ME FROM MOVING FORWARD

I REFUSE TO BE SILENT ABOUT THOSE WHO HAVE HARMED ME

BUT I REFUSE TO BE KNOWN ONLY BY THAT HARM

I AM MUCH MORE THAN THOSE EVENTS

I WILL USE THEM TO HELP ME

GROW, LEARN AND HELP OTHERS

BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER JUST A VICTIM

I AM A SURVIVOR

TIRED

I go to bed exhausted
But all I do is toss and turn

My stomach is tied in knots
And the thought of food makes me ill

Even on a sunny day I see nothing but grey
I count the hours till I can hide in my bed

Ask me what's wrong, and all I'll say is

I'm

just

so

tired.

The Butterfly song

One day as I made my rounds

I saw a caterpillar on the grounds

“I have a dream in which I fly!”

Is what the caterpillar said to I

“How could you fly, without wings?

The sky is for the birds that sing.

you have legs, just like mine

and I walk the ground, and do just fine

I really dont mean to be mean

But you should give up such a silly dream”

“I dont know how or when I will fly

But I dream of stars and sky

I’ll keep my hope and you just wait and see

what will become of me”

I shook my head, and went on my way

But when I came back another day

The caterpillar had built a bed

and curled up inside and seemed almost dead

I could only wait, watch, and pray

as day passed into day

Then from the bed did appear

A butterfly with smile from ear to ear

“I go forth and fly and dance and sing!”

She said as she took wing

I fought tears, I began to cry

I was jealous of the butterfly

But she came close and whispered to my ear

“Soon it will be your turn, do not fear

you will be a special butterfly

and paint your own wings before you fly”

And you know what, she was right

soon after that, I first took flight

And to those who were like me I sing

as I dance and flex my pretty wing

“Have hope, and take a chance or two

and what happened to me

might happen for you!”

please read with caution

The first photo he took of me, I was so happy.

For the first time, I had told an adult about feeling like a girl rather than a boy.

And to my amazement, he believed me.

And then he encouraged me to see what I would look like as a girl.

Which lead to the first photo he took.

I felt free, and I had so much hope that the freedom would only continue.

But I was wrong.

He had not encouraged me for my sake.

He encouraged me so he could control me, own me.

and finally, to break me.

Then he took many more photos, but of me "performing" for his pleasure.

And then, after my time with him was over, somehow I forgot about the photos

But for a long time after, the flash of a camera scared me, and I didn't know why.

Until I recovered the memories of the photos, and understood.

and with understanding, I began working toward seeing myself as something other than guilty for what happened.

And I have succeeded . . .

Most of the time.

End

The Girl with the Scars in Her Eyes

Have you seen her?

The girl with the scars in her eyes?

Because she tries to be invisible.

She thinks its safer, but its also very lonely.

Have you touched her?

The girl with the scars in her eyes?

She often flinches when people reach out to her.

But she looks with longing at those who are being touched.

Have you spoken to her?

The girl with the scars in her eyes?

She’ll try to keep the conversation light.

Even though she longs to be able to share.

Have you gotten her trust?

The girl with the scars in her eyes?

It doesn’t happen often, she struggles with trusting others.

And with trusting herself.

Do you know what’s beneath the surface?

Of the girl with the scars in her eyes?

Few can say they know the real her.

But those who do say she’s got a lot of joy, and laughter, and love buried within her.

Have you come to care about her?

The girl with the scars in her eyes?

Then she has a message for you.

“Because of you, I’m moving forward.

Because of you I feel safer.

Because of you I’m healing.

So from the bottom of my heart,

Thank you.

From the girl with the scars in her eyes.”

THE LOST ONES

The lost ones walk
Shadows in the background
See them out of the corner of your eye
See them at school, church
Around the neighbourhood
Or in your own home

They are the beaten
Abandoned
Abused
Raped

They suffer in silence
Told “ its all your fault”
“no one will believe you”
“it will only be worse if you fight or try and escape”

The abusers know what
Their best allies are
Shame
Self-doubt
Fear
Isolation

The deeds like roaches
Only seen in the dark
The abusers are predators
Cut off their prey from others
From help, hope

So the answer is
If you are a Lost One
Or know one
Or just because you care

Stand up
Speak out
Seek help
Help others

Together we are stronger
Than the ones we have feared
Together we are capable
Of stopping the cycle

Together we can say
“No one deserves abuse”
“No one needs to be alone”

And

“we will not rest until the last of the Lost Ones
Is found - and made safe and sound”

For three days,

I was myself

A woman

Accepted

“Just one of the girls”

I was called by my real name

I held down a job

I was whole,

At last

Then the door closed

And now

I am back to where I was

having to hide

and pretend I am a man.

With no choice

but to stagger along

With only the memory

Of three days in Heaven

To sustain me.

Vows

(First Voice)

When I was just a young child,
you took me by the hand
You said “welcome to the family
It is a rock on which you can stand

No matter where you go
And no matter what you do
You can always be sure
We will be there for you”

But when I came out as transgender
You rejected your own kin
You said don’t darken your door
As long as I continue in such “sin”

(Second Voice)

On our wedding day my dear
We both had taken vows
To love and honour all our lives
Be as close as God allows

Sickness and health would not stop us
Rich or poor we did not care
Thick and thin we promised
For each other to be there

But when I came out as transgender
Your love it turned to hate
You refused to see me
Except to lecture and berate

(Third Voice)

You were my first born baby
In my arms you would lay
I wanted to protect you
And together we would play

You looked at me with such love
And I never did foresee
That you could ever reject
And turn away from me

But when I came out as transgender
To my face you would not look
And when I tried to talk to you
You would hide in a book

(Fourth Voice)

You were my childhood pal
My friend and my brother
Even though we shared no blood
And had a different mother

Friends forever you said to me
And stay so all our days
No matter what would happen
Or what price we would have to pay

But when I came out as transgender
No more my friend you’d be
In fact you now say you hate
And cannot look at me

(All Together)

Yes we came out as transgender
We just wanted to live real
But the price we paid was so high
That we don’t know how to deal

We felt we had no choice
It was death or life
We never meant to hurt those we love
Or cause our families strife

Although we lost so much we loved
We will find a way through
To be ourselves, to live good lives
And to ourselves be true

For now we have each other
New friends to take the vows
We will walk the course together
Together we’ll take the bows

So if you find yourself as transgender
You can join our family today
We will be with you in all you do
Unlike some who turned away

WHAT DOES IT MATTER

Why do people get vexed
If I mess with my sex
What does it matter the them
A category to peg
By what’s ‘tween my legs
What does it matter to them

But who do I hurt
If I choose a skirt
What does it matter to them
I don’t ask for much
Just freedom, and such
What does it matter to them

Why call it a vice
Make me pay a high price
What does it matter to them
I wouldn’t ask others to don
Anything but what they have on
What does it matter to them

And if I choose a new name
And its more than a game
What does it matter to them
But if I walk the street
They threaten to beat
What does it matter to them

I want my own life
Not looking for strife
What does it matter to them
And if I were free
A wonder maybe
What does it matter to them

Or my world will go grey
‘cause the price that I pay
What does it matter to them
God knows that I’ve tried
To keep it bottled inside
What does it matter to them

Or if in the ground I do lie
‘cause it caused me to die
What does it matter to them
Or if I go insane
On account of my pain
What does it matter to them

I want to be free
To say “this is me”
What does it matter to them
Make sure my mask is on tight
So I don’t cause a fright
Oh, what a world it would be
If we each could be free

By saying what does it matter to them!

WHEELCHAIR

Quietly it sits in a corner, no movement can it make
But when you sit, go outside, the world begins to shake

When you come near, some people, they would balk
As if they had seen some fright, like Carroll’s jabawac

If they knew you, as all who do, and I am no exception
They would take another look, and love upon reflection

Why do some, when they see, someone different than their own self
Stick them into a box, and put them on a shelf

My dear friend, don’t be sad, if someone turns from thee
For only those who see beyond are worthy of your company

Your chair is not who you are, it might be called a prop
That is why when others say “poor dear”, I say “stop!”

“look past the chair, and see the person therein contained
Her body may not be perfect, but her spirit is unmaimed”

I will never understand, this aspect of our race
That they can’t see past the chair, to view your pretty face

I am one-sided, I admit, I have luck to tell of
Your true beauty, your true form, but mostly your true love

Forgive the others, do not fret that you are undiscovered
For that just makes you worth more to those who have uncovered

I am happy to be your friend, we make such a pair
For the world sees me as a freak and you as just a chair

But I would not change our places with those who fit in though
We know the truth of love, that they may never know

WHY DADDY WHY

What made you fear
So you couldn’t be here
Why daddy why daddy why

Brings tears to my face
‘cause there’s empty space
Why daddy why daddy why

What voice did you hear
So soft or so clear
Why daddy why daddy why

That made you be gone
Think you couldn’t go on
Why daddy why daddy why

What was the fright
Made you give up the fight
Why daddy why daddy why

No matter where I do go
I still miss you so
Why daddy why daddy why

You left us so young
Our story just begun
Why daddy why daddy why

We needed your love
Not in the ground or above
Why daddy why daddy why

Why didn’t you trust
That you’d always have us
Why daddy why daddy why

Did you have to quit trying
Leave all of us crying
Why daddy why daddy why

You own life you did end
And grief you did send
Why daddy why daddy why

Even after all of these years
It still brings me tears
Why daddy why daddy why

You could have seen my own child
So joyful and wild
Why daddy why daddy why

Why choose your own death
Force out your last breath
Why daddy why daddy why

No one could take your place
Seems a cowardly waste
Why daddy why daddy why

And to God I still pray
For one chance to say
“Why daddy why daddy why?”

WINTER BLUES

The sky is ash
The trees are bare
The silence stark
No life anywhere

The wind is cold
My heart breaks
When darkness comes
More than I can take

Winter is long
Spring far away
And my depression
Seems here to stay

But spring will come
Of that I’m sure
My heart will heal
In sunlight pure

Winter’s blues
Will melt with the snow
When spring’s new life
Begins to show

I can’t wait
The journey long
But my faith
Remains strong

So I rest
In the promise made
And continue
His word obey

Though the wait is long
And peace far away
I will give thanks
And praise and pray

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here

Not far away in time

I was yours and you were mine

then you went and said goodbye

broke my heart and made me cry

but what makes it worse for me

is that I can’t seem to be free

yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here

You’re here in everything we shared

when together we were paired

you’re here in the gifts I still own

even though you’ve left me alone

I think of you every day

the pain just wont go away

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here

I shared so much of me with you

thought we’d be friends forever true

but now you’ve left me behind

except the memories in my mind

I can’t move on, I can’t let go

but you will never ever know

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here

Somehow I have to carry on

though it seems half of me is gone

even though I am distress

from this world there is no egress

I have responsibilities to uphold

though from my pain I’m not paroled

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here.

Your absence is true and real

but haunted is how I feel

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here

I say it again ...

Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here.

End

A D & D poem:

with apologies to Larry Niven and Steven Barnes

Oh, I once had a sword, or a sword had me,

turned my cowardliness into bravery

We had many battles, the sword in the lead

I always hated it, I dont like to bleed

one day I got lucky, could leave the sword behind

deep in a dungeon for some sucker to find

Dont worry now, I still do some good.

I carry a club. No-ego wood!

BLADESONG

Can you hear the blade singing
Its sweet song drowning out my fear
It sings of our reunion
A marriage of edge and skin
It promises gentle surrender
A lie I have fallen for before

And after each time I make a vow
To resist the siren call
As a survey the damage done
The shipwreck of my flesh

But the pressure builds and builds
And the song grows ever stronger
“one more time” is the call
But I know the truth now
That one day I will sink too deep
And empty myself on its point

So I call on all to help me
Resist its dark embrace
And to speak to me loving words
To drown out the deadly song

HIT THE BRICK WALL RUNNING

A barrier ‘tween my needs and me
A brick wall across the lane
Source of my frustration
Cause of all my pain

(Chorus) Hit the brick wall running
Might just make it through
Hit the brick wall running
Nothing else that I can do

Every day it gets a little harder
Worse and worse it seems
My body failing, broken
I see the death of all my dreams
No way back no way around
Blocked at every turn
I can’t even stand still now
Lest my feet should burn

(repeat chorus)

There could be danger past it
Suffering on either side
But at least I would feel better
To know at last I tried
Friends and family try and change me
They don’t see the appeal
They just can’t see that it might be
The only way for me to heal

(repeat chorus)

I’m pulled this way and that
Torture through and through
I don’t think I can take it
But I don’t know what to do
The end I fear is coming soon
I risk my sanity
Need an answer to my question
A way I can be free

But for now I must continue
Struggle on day by day
Just to have to hold on tight
And to the Lord I pray

(repeat chorus)

SCARS

Covered over
But not removed

Hidden
But not forgotten
Marks of battle
Of wounding
Debris on the track
Makes me stumble
Old habits die hard
Nightmares return
Survivor’s guilt
Becomes background noise
Always present
But not acknowledged
Turn me inside out
Make my scars show
Vulnerable
But only then
Can healing begin

Words will never hurt me ….

Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay

Like “it” is a name some give me, like I am not even real
I swallow the word, though it chokes me, I don’t know how to deal

“Sin” is what some call my journey, like I ever had a choice
And the pounding from the pulpit, drowns out my forlorn voice

“Sissy” is a favorite word for some to use, it covers lots of ground
Gives such an excuse to flex a muscle, and look for someone to pound

“Homo” and “Fag” are popular too, for those who need an excuse
To act out hate and fear, to make a war, and never call a truce

“Thing” is not a nice name, but sometimes I have heard it said
And at times, the hurt I feel inside, makes me see red

But I am not the labels, my story has so much more to say
If only you would take the time, and if attention you would pay

I don’t deserve abuse, not by labels, words, or acts
I am a human being, and only I have all the facts

Don’t tell me words are not sticks and stones, or that I should just relax
For they can hurt, by themselves and they can lead to violent acts

Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay.