Which Witch is Which
By Jesse Rabbit

Fate likes to laugh at us. Simple fact of life. It likes to put us through our paces, put snakes in our beds just to see us jump and bananas on the sidewalk just to see us fall down. Fate is laughing pretty hard at me right now.

My name is Andrew Steven Parker. I’m sixteen. I’ve got two, count ‘em, two little sisters; Gracie who’s fourteen and Megan who’s six. Gracie used to look up to me, while Megan used to think I was pretty much useless. It wasn’t that long ago… last week to be specific.

My life was pretty good back then. I did okay in school, hung out with my friends, even had a girlfriend who laughed at my jokes. Yeah, life was pretty good in New Salem. That’s the town I live in, New Salem. Quiet. Peaceful. Far enough away from all the big cities to be considered not quite a suburb, but small enough not to have any sky scrapers.

Yup. Life was pretty darn okay… Then the invasion started. I’m sure you know all about it, unless you’ve been living in a cave for the last month or so. Stupid Demons. I mean seriously, have you seen these guys. They pop out of nowhere, cause some havoc, and then get beaten up by some group of middle-school girls in silly outfits or color coded ninjas or superpets or whathaveyou. It’s pretty hard to take them serious, but they do cause a lot of property damage and people do get hurt.

First it was places like Tokyo and New York and Townsville. Places that already had their own Magical Girls or Superheroes or Ninjas or Pirates. So the Demons got, ahem, “smart” and started attacking smaller towns… like Miami and Mumbai and… I can’t think of another M-city. Anyway… so, as I was saying, those places got their own teams of do-gooders to defend the city limits. And some of these teams were getting pretty silly.

That’s when our Mayor decided to ruin my life. I’m sure that wasn’t his intent, but it sure worked out that way. See, we’re New Salem… like old Salem, but bigger… and proud of our witches… which were two old ladies who made potions and ran a hotel for pets. Don’t get on the bad side of a witch… especially when one of them is your great aunt. But I digress.

So, last Sunday, Mayor Applewick announces that New Salem’s very own witches are brewin up some special magic and that pretty soon we’re gonna have our very own magical girls, cause, you know, girls look cute dressed as witches or something… never mind that none of the Demons have attacked anywhere as small and unimportant as New Salem. Still, that’s how the fun began.

Bright and early Monday morning, some 15 year old girl named Francine Fair found a magical hat in a bush outside her house. Tuesday morning, this 13 year old Latina named Lupe Guzman finds an amulet under her pillow. Wednesday, like clockwork, Miriam Ramses, 12 year old daughter of the senior partner of my dad’s law firm, finds a necklace hanging from a streetsign. Thursday, Demi Wiesse, 14 and queen bee of the freshman class, finds a magic potion in a beauty magazine sample shampoo packet. And Friday… ah, Friday… Friday, Gracie ate all my captain crunch, so I had to eat her, shudder, count chocula… ugh. I couldn’t stand chocolate then, can’t stand it even more now.

See, this is where Fate is laughing at me. If Gracie had just eaten the damned cereal she’d begged mom to get her, everything would have worked out fine. I’d have eaten breakfast, gone to school… and she’d have found the stupid magic ring instead of me.

It’s a funny thing about magic. It’s very… possessive. Doesn’t like to let you go once it’s got you. It’s also very good at getting it’s own way. Picture it. I’m tired, bed head, grabbing some grub before I head on out to track practice, grumbling over the lack of selection, when I hear this clink as something metal hits the bowl. Now, what would you have done?

Yeah, I fished around in the bowl for a second or two until I felt that metal thing against my finger… and then the magic hit me. The ring, shaped like a bat, crawled up my finger and stuck there, a small, goth piece of fairly girly magical jewelry on my hand.

I struggled with it for a minute or so, then figured I go see great-aunt Milly after school and get her to unhex it or whatever. I figured, what harm could a little batring do?

Stupid question.

Okay. Let me take this opportunity to say this: “Demons Suck.” Lunchtime was like five minutes away and I was starving. I’d gotten a few looks and a few comments about my new fashion choice, most of them pretty snide, but it hadn’t really been that big a problem. It certainly fit well, and luckily enough I’d just happened to be wearing black jeans and a black T, so it didn’t, you know, clash or anything.

You know, Tornado Sirens are loud. Very loud. And they can frighten the heck out of you if you aren’t completely awake. I was contemplating lunch, kinda half-dozing in Algebra, when the sirens went off all over town. For a second I couldn’t figure out why everyone was suddenly jabbering excitedly instead of looking for shelter, until I realized that the Sirens were playing the new pattern… the one that signaled an attack.

Pretty much en masse, people were whipping out cell phones and cameras and laptops, trying to figure out where and how many and who the Demons were attacking. I, fool that I am, ran for the roof, figuring that, since my school, which is three stories high, is on a hilltop, I might be able to catch a glimpse of new magical girls in action.

What I didn’t count on was just how fast I made it to the roof. Look, I’m fast. I can run… could run… the hundred meter dash in about 11 seconds flat. But that Friday… I made it out of the room, down the hall, and up three flights of stairs… all in less time than it took for me to type this sentence. I hit the roof going so fast that I practically flew out the door and actually did fly off the edge of the roof… Then the whammy hit me.

It was like… well… I don’t think I can explain it. It was, painfully, like a full body stubbed toe, and a little nauseating, and very, very windy, with dark swirling colors and tiny bat shadows. And then I was wearing a white blouse, black-tartan vest and matching mini-skirt, witches hat, bat-patterned tights, and a pair of high-heeled boots. And I had boobs.

Fate was la-ha-fing!

Okay. I was also flying. And I could see the Demon, only two blocks away. And I was angry, hungry, and, okay, maybe I went a little overboard. I still maintain that hitting the Demon with that UPS truck was a valid combat move… I blame the big floppy hat for my poor aim. Still, I had that one, somekind of Monkey with Anacondas for arms on the ropes when the Clam-Centaur and the Russ Troll on Steroids showed up. Things kinda got violent after that.

I was, to my relief and chigrin, saved, by the arrival of the four girls I mentioned earlier… or at least their ridiculously attired counterparts. Over the course of the next minute or so, a wolf-girl in a green witch’s outfit showed up, followed by a Cleopatra-clone in white witch’s gear that looked like bandages, followed by what can only be described as a devil-girl (tail, horns, cloven hooves, you get the picture) in firey-red leather, and finally a purple and green skinned franken-girl, complete with neck bolts and about a million stitches. We pretty much trashed Mainstreet.

It was, in the midst of this mess, as the Demons faded back into whatever or wherever they came from, that the Newsvan showed up, cameras already rolling. We, the valiant defenders of New Salem looked at each other… and then the magic wore off and we were 4 girls… and a guy… me, again… on the news.

The Media named us within minutes: Frankenwitch, Mummywitch, Wolfwitch, Devilwitch… although it turns out sometimes Devilwitch turns into Angelwitch instead. She’s a little bipolar. Gracie still won’t talk to me. Claims I stole her chance to be a Magical Girl. Megan now thinks I’m the coolest girl ever. Anna, my girlfriend, dumped me for being, as she put it, “a she-male”. I have a fan club... headed by my best friend. And my, umm, teammates think its hilarious. So, I’m sure, does Fate. I am a magical girl… and I really, really don’t want to suck your blood… and stop sending me chocolates.

Fin.

Frankie Fair — Frankenwitch
Lupe Guzman — Wolfwitch
Miriam Ramses — Mummywitch
Demi Wiesse — Angelwitch / Devilwitch
And me…
Andrew Parker — Vampwitch

A special thanks to the Universal Monsters… Sorry Invisiwitch, didn’t see you there.

Which Witch is Which Again
By Jesse Rabbit

“What do you mean you can’t fix it?” I practically yelled at one of the sweetest, kindest, nicest old ladies in this or any other universe.

She blinked at me in her somewhat near-sighted way, sipped her cocoa, and shook her head sadly. “Are you sure you don’t want any hot-chocolate, Andy? Its lovely and warm.”

“Aunty Claire,” I half-groaned, half-growled. “I hate chocolate… and I don’t want to be a girl.” I barely resisted the urge to tell her to stop calling me Andy, a nickname I’ve always hated.

“I thought you liked having magical powers, dearest.” She reached out one wrinkled hand and a newspaper flew to her as if on a wire. She peered at an article for several seconds, still sharp eyes flicking back and forth with keen intensity. “Here it is. ‘Young Andrea Parker, the super-sexy Vampwitch, said, when asked, ‘I really like the speed, and being able to fly isn’t so bad, but the strength… yeah, that’s the best. I lifted a truck, a big one, with one hand and then threw it like it weighed nothing. It was awesome!’” She looked up from the page and quirked an eyebrow at me. “Sounds like you like it.”

I clenched my teeth and growled, “They called me Andrea! And I didn’t ask you to take away the powers… just the part where I turn into a girl!” My voice had gone up, sounding a little shrill and just this side of screaming. Aunty Claire just fixed me with her myopic eagle stare until I broke eye contact and slumped back in the chair. “Sorry,” I half-muttered.

She patted my hand. “Oh Andy, it’s not that bad. It’s only when those horrid Demons attack. And then poof, back to being a boy.”

“Yeah, but the news says that attacks in major cities are coming practically every day now. How soon before New Salem sees that kind of activity? What if it gets worse? Like two or three attacks a day? What if this is a full scale invasion and then I’ll be stuck as a girl all the time, fighting off wave after wave of creepy-ass Demon goons.” I covered my face with my arm, leaning back, trying to keep from crying or screaming or hyperventilating. The news and the pundits were not exactly being calming to my nerves.

“Now that’s just silly.” She set down the paper and took a sip before continuing. “If it is a full scale invasion, I’d like to think my grandnephew would be more concerned about saving the Earth from devastation than worrying about what kind of underwear he was wearing.”

I flushed, inwardly acknowledging that the old lady had a point. It was frustrating but true; I hated turning into a girl, but couldn’t complain in public. It was, as my dad had put it, a kind of sacred trust. We’d been chosen by the magic to defend our town, our friends, our families. I’d have to be a real shmoo to say, “Sorry, I can’t be bothered to save you, I’m too much of a wuss to turn into a girl for a few minutes.”

“But why,” I asked, trying to keep all traces of whining out of my voice, “do I have to be a girl? Couldn’t I keep the powers and turn into a cool male vampire?”

“Like that nice Cullen boy in that movie?”

I shuddered, “Noooo…. Like Dracula… the younger version, or…” I struggled to think of a younger, but still cool and manly vampire… and totally blanked. “Okay, so most Vampires are either old or lame or gay… except Eddie Murphy and Count Orlok… but still… Why?”

“That nice Applewick fellow said that it would be good for tourism and merchandizing and all if we had some cute / sexy witchgirls as our defenders. And defensive magic does tend to favor girls over boys. We told him, though, that there has to be a balance. Either a mixed team, like New York has, or a mature male mentor to very young female heroes like Townsville, or even an adult man lusting after junior high-school girls like Tokyo has… although I hear at least two of those girls are…” she dropped her voice and whispered the last word, “lesbians.”

I sighed. “So let me get this straight. I am the ‘Male’ side of the equation?”

Aunty Claire chuckled and kicked me in the shin. “Don’t be ridiculous boyo! Doesn’t he have an overinflated sense of his own masculinity?” she asked Oscar, her ferrety familiar. Oscar yawned but failed to comment. “No, Andy, there are other masculine forces at work. A male mayor. All five of your teammates have prominent fathers: a Principal, a Rabbi, the head of the biggest Lawfirm in town, the Chief of Police, and the town’s biggest restaurateur. But yes, you are the eldest member of the team, and the only boy, so I guess you are a significant amount of balance… although that Lupe girl is very tomboyish.”

“Umm… Aunty… there are only five of us… we don’t have a member whose dad is a school principal.” I knew who the others were: Simon Guzman was Chief of Police, Yosef Wiesse was a Conservative Rabbi, Franklin Fair was an ex-baseball player turned restaurateur, and Gwahar Ramses was my dad’s boss. They were good guys, but their prestige had led to several arguments about which girl should be the team captain.

Francine, the teams strongest member, didn’t want the post, and seemed fairly embarrassed every time her dad brought it up. Lupe, our best fighter, would have been the best leader, she was level headed and diplomatic, but as Wolfwitch she was almost impossible to understand, since she both growled and spoke far to fast. Miriam and Demi, the team’s magical powerhouses, both wanted the position, but there were problems with that. Demi’s dad refused to let the twelve year old be in charge, but I think he also had a problem letting a muslim boss his little girl around, while Miriam’s dad, a far more rational individual, refused to let a girl with bipolar disorder be in charge. Which left me, by default, giving most of the orders. Of course, since as Vampwitch, I could fly and run faster than any other member of the team. That combination gave me a better idea of what was happening, and since I was the eldest, I’d accepted with (admittedly poor) grace. I’d promptly appointed Lupe as team spokesman and tried to fade into the background.

In the week since our first fight, the town had been attacked twice more. Both times I’d been the first on scene. We’d… killed… dispatched… banished… defeated, I guess, a dozen Demons… no two alike. The internet was buzzing with details and theories. Wikipedia had created a new branch, Demontracker, with casualty lists, damage totals, and profiles on all 1500+ confirmed Demons and almost twice that number of defenders, many of whom had never seen combat. Cities across the planet were scrambling, trying to build or assemble their own teams or sign mutual defense pacts with neighboring cities.

And the biggest story of the day? New Salem’s Mayor. By far the smallest city to actually be hit, New Salem’s creation of a Anti-Demon Squad, originally seen as little more than a publicity stunt, has been seen as remarkably prescient. Of the planet’s top 200 most populous cities (or metropolitan areas, since places like Tokyo and New York are actually several cities combined) not even half had been hit. In fact, aside from suburbs, the smallest city to be hit (aside from New Salem of course) was Havana… population over two million. New Salem? Yeah, ninety-one thousand… and that’s only when you include Northvale and Webberly, our “sub-urbs”. And we’re nowhere near a big city. In fact, the nearest big city is over 60 miles away.

Still, lucky for us, I guess, considering how much damage LA took from just two demons before the army finally managed to defeat them. Never been to Disney Land… guess I never will.

“Andy… honey, are you asleep?” Aunty Claire’s voice snapped me out of my reverie.

“No Aunty, just thinking. Isn’t there anything you can do?”

“I could turn you into a girl full time.”

“No!” I snapped upright, hoping to see a teasing smile on her wizened face, but she just looked at me calmly. “No. Nonono… No thank you. Please. No. Uh uh. No way. I just… I meant…”

“Yes?”

“Couldn’t you make the outfit a little less…”

“Less?”

“Skimpy? Revealing? Sexy? Cute? And do I have to have such big… you know. I mean, sure, its great not having to worry a Demon’s gonna smash me in the jewels, and I’ve never had to, you know, take a whiz in costume, but seriously… I could put an eye out with those things. I think they’re getting bigger with every transformation.”

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wasn’t expecting her reaction. She burst out laughing so hard that it took a good five or six minutes for her to catch her breath and she had to magic up a bit of chocolate off her table cloth. “What?” I asked, half afraid to set her off again.

“Andy, darling, dearest… You control that aspect of your transformation. We didn’t exactly do up costume designs and such. We just tossed a few manga, some fashion mags, some holloween candy, some old videos, and a book or two into the cauldron and asked the magic for a team of cute witch defenders indeally suited to fight the Demons. Actually, we were surprised you girls turned out to be monsters. We’d tossed those movies in to represent the Demons.” She chuckled. “Good thing we didn’t end up with Godzilla Witch, heh.”

I groaned and slumped back. “So you’re telling me that my… boobs… are getting bigger because I’m worrying about them getting bigger?” She nodded. “Awww… heck!”

“Don’t worry sweety. Just relax and smash heads… You’re very good at it.”

“Claire?” Aunty’s partner Abbigal yelled from the front room.

“Yes?”

“You’d better tell Andy to get ready.”

Aunty Claire didn’t have to tell me twice; I was already heading out the door at my magically enhanced speed (yeah, I had to drop out of track, seems the powers never go completely away, even in “normal mode”. No one thought it was fair to compete against someone who runs the 100 meter dash in less than a second.). Abby may be a flake, but she has the sight and she’s almost never wrong.

She wasn’t wrong. As I ran down the street, letting the transformation wash over me, I launched myself into the air, just in time to see a streak of whitefire blaze up across town. Great, it’s a happy day… joy. Still, time enough to get the insulin after the beasties were put down. I scanned the town and found my quarry.

Four Demons. Big, ugly, stupid, annoying Demons… threatening the public swimming pool at Thurman Park. I felt my annoyance and anger wash over me and with a high pitched roar of rage I charged. The fight was brutal, fast, and very, very wet.

Ever seen a fifteen year old frankengirl demonstrate the effects of lightning on a swimming pool full of giant warkoala? Yeah… way cool. Angelwitch was useless, as usual, unless one considers an invulnerable distraction somehow useful. I don’t. She just stood there looking vacuous while the Demon that looked like a cybernetic squid pounded on her wings and halo. She actually asked it if it liked her fingernail polish. Ah well, here’s hoping we have Devilwitch when we actually need her. Lupe wasn’t happy about getting wet… and we weren’t happy with the smell, but thankfully the magic wore off as soon as Miriam’s bandages finished crushing the ‘life’ out of the beaver-turtle Demon.

Of course, it made the news, big surprise since Thurman Park is across the street from our local news station. Ah well, I’m certain wet Vampwitch pictures will be all the rage now.

I’m tired. Gonna hit the hay… just as soon as I make one small change to my wiki-entry. “Vampwitch does not like chocolates, flowers, or human blood. Please send the first two to Frankenwitch and the third to the Red Cross.” Strange how that keeps being deleted. You’d think someone was trying to annoy me.

 

---

 

Omake / Bonus
Vampwitch:		Age [16], Height [5’9”], Bra-size [B+ to C+], Hair [Black], Eyes [Green], Race [Wasp], GPA [B], Speed [6/10], Strength [8/10], Movement [8/10], Magic [4/10], Toughness [7/10], Element [Shadows], Powers [Flight, Regen, Mesmerism?, Summon Bats], Colorscheme [Black, White, some purples], Weaknesses [Repulsed by Chocolate, Anger Issues, Transgender-confusion, Vengeful Sister]
Frankenwitch:		Age [15], Height [5’11”], Bra-size [B+], Hair [Black], Eyes [Hazel], Race [African American / Purple & Green Skinned], GPA [B], Speed [4/10], Strength [12/10], Movement [2/10], Magic [3/10], Toughness [10/10], Element [Lightning], Powers [Megastrength, Nigh-Invulnerability, Rage], Colorscheme [Silverish grey], Weaknesses [Anger, Shyness, Poor Impulse Control]
Angelwitch:		Age [14], Height [5’4” not counting halo], Bra-size [C+], Hair [Blonde], Eyes [Glowy], Race [Jewish], GPA [A-], Speed [3/10], Strength [?/10], Movement [6/10], Magic [8/10], Toughness [12/10], Element [Light], Powers [Invulnerability, Flash, Healing, Winged Flight], Colorscheme [White & Glowy], Weaknesses [Ditz, Non-Combative, Bubbly]
Devilwitch:		Age [14], Height [5’4” not counting horns], Bra-size [C+], Hair [Black as Sin], Eyes [Firey], Race [Jewish], GPA [A-], Speed [7/10], Strength [5/10], Movement [6/10], Magic [8/10], Toughness [4/10], Element [Fire], Powers [Weapon Summons, Winged Flight, Combat Expertise], Colorscheme [Red & Black Leather], Weaknesses [Maniacal Laughter, Sadism, Terrible Impulse Control, Evil]
Wolfwitch:		Age [13], Height [4’8”], Bra-size [A], Hair [Brown], Eyes [Yellow], Race [Caucasian Latina], GPA [C+], Speed [8/10], Strength [6/10], Movement [7/10], Magic [4/10], Toughness [5/10], Element [Sonic], Powers [Control Animals, Tracking, Regeneration, Berserker, Claws, Targeting Hear], Colorscheme [Green over Silver & Brown Fur], Weaknesses [Easily Bored, ADD, Hyperactive]
Mummywitch:		Age [12], Height [4’11.5”], Bra-size [A+], Hair [Black], Eyes [Black], Race [Arabian with Golden Skin], GPA [A+], Speed [2/10], Strength [7/10], Movement [2/10], Magic [9/10], Toughness [9/10], Element [Several], Powers [Summon Bugs, Summon Snakes, Bandage Bondage, Domination], Colorscheme [White & Gold with Enamel], Weaknesses [No Combat Skills at all, Easily panicked by setbacks, Entitled, Bossy]
Invisiwitch:		Age [Unknown], Height [Unknown], Bra-size [Unknown], Hair [Unknown], Eyes [Unknown], Race [Unknown], GPA [Unknown], Speed [?/10], Strength [?/10], Movement [?/10], Magic [?/10], Toughness [?/10], Element [Unknown], Powers [Invisibility?], Colorscheme [None], Weaknesses [Unknown]

This stuff is copyright me, 2010. Violate it and taste the wrath of Godzillawitch!

Vampwitch Chronicles: Part 3

Okay, show of hands. How many of you have ever wanted to be a superhero? You know, a magical, mystical defender of goodness and justice and free wi-fi? Yeah, me too. It’s the powers, right? Or the prestige, the fame, the notoriety. Maybe it’s the thrill, the buzz you get crushing badguys and saving the day. So, yeah, we all want it, dream of it, fantasize, hypothesize, visualize ourselves to be beings of power… But just how much do we want it? Would you really be willing to pay the price? I know I wasn’t. In the days before what happened, I could scarcely have imagined what that price would turn out to be.

My name is Andrew Steven Parker, known to my friends as Asp or Snakeboy, known to the rest of the world as Vampwitch. I’m sixteen, a scorpio, and a solid B student. I like Captain Crunch, superhero movies, and videogames with lots of violence and plenty of explosions. Oh yeah, I’m also one of the three thousand most powerful people on the planet.

For all those people who’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, it’s been 90 days since the attacks began. We don’t know who… or why… heck, we don’t even know what the enemy are. They appear out of thin air, cause mayhem, destruction, and death until they are defeated, then vanish back into nothingness without so much as an apology. To date, 83 cities have been hit by a whopping 8,245 “demons” as the press has dubbed them. The deathtoll hit five digits last week, the property damage is close to 12 billion, and the attacks show no sign of stopping.

Perhaps the most bizarre thing about our visitors has to do with my hometown, New Salem, Illinois, just north of Shawnee National Forest, dead center between St. Louis, Indianapolis, Memphis, and Nashville. We are, I kid you not, in the middle of Nowhere. Most people don’t even know we’re here. Heck, they forgot us in the last census, if you can believe it. A town of almost 100,000 people, poof, gone, oops. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice town, plenty of green, not too long a drive to happening places, but still, it’s a little like the town that time forgot. Our oldest building is the Amtrak station, our biggest is the high school, our tallest town hall. New Salem is as Americana as it comes, I guess.

In fact, the most significant thing about New Salem… aside from our obsession with witches (we were the first city in America to grant tax free status to a wiccan worship hall) is… well… me… and my teammates of course… team name still under debate. There are five of us, not quite friends, but we together okay… most of the time.

Have you ever watched one of those magical girls cartoons? A bunch of junior high girls get wondrous powers and suddenly they are all BFFAEAE? Sooooo not true… especially with the rainbow coalition of backgrounds and social disorders my team’s made up of. Real life has loads more sulking and bickering, and parents… bickering and sulking and threatening to sue.

Still, in the last 50 days or so, we’ve handled ourselves pretty well. We’ve kicked some serious demon butt, haven’t lost any teammates (better than can be said for those idiots in Chicago. The Chicago Superfans… sigh. Who thought Foamfingerman & Beerhatguy were good hero concepts? Still, Bodypaintgirl was pretty hot… hope she gets out of traction soon.) We have had some… let’s call them squabbles… that led to long lectures about misuses of power… or, in my case, lectures about how it’s my responsibility to keep the girls from fighting and how I shouldn’t loose my temper and try dominating them into shutting the heck up and letting me think. Apparently, using mind control on one’s teammates is a no-no.

Five things I hate
1. Turning into a girl… a really hot girl (I’ve seen the pictures)… in a really sexy outfit.
2. Having to babysit 4 girls who all resent me… okay Fracine is 15 and fairly mature (if a little quiet) but Demi, Lupe, and Miriam are like bratty little sisters… and I already have two of those. I don’t need three more.
3. Being asked on dates by boys I’ve known for since kindergarten, just because I’m, and I quote, “Hawt as a chick, dude!”
4. Not being allowed to smash in the faces of boys who ask me out on dates because I’m, and I quote, “Hawt as a chick, dude!”
5. Chocolate.

You will note that Demons aren’t on that list. There are two reasons for this. 1) Demons are the unknown and my dad always told me “Never hate what you don’t understand; that kind of hate is just fear and ignorance.” And 2) Because I’m allowed to smash in the faces of Demons. In fact, it’s kinda my job.

Three weeks ago, the President signed the Global Defenders Act which grants all “legitimate defenders” pay equal to that of a first leutant (did I spell that right?) in the armed forces… which is, like “Yay!” but also like “Suck!” because my dad says I have to put the money away for college and getting my own house and car when I’m older. I said to him, “Why can’t I have a car now? I’ve got my license.” He pointed out that I can run about a third the speed of sound, even when I’m not Vampwitch, which is soooooo not the point. You can’t exactly carry a girl to a restaurant or a movie at Mach 0.3. Now, granted, I don’t currently have a girlfriend, but that’s temporary… as soon as Bethanie stops being ridiculous and saying that if she dates me she’s a lesbian or whatever. I know she still loves me, she’s just confused.

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten a little off track here… Where was I? Oh, right. The President. See, in most of the countries that have been hit, there’s been a lot of scrambling and finger-pointing, assigning blame pretty much at random. See, it’s odd. Every city (save New Salem) that’s been hit is one of the 200 largest cities on the planet. That kinda makes sense; attack the enemy where there are the most of ‘em, cause the most havoc and destruction. What’s odd is every country that has been hit has at least 2 cities on that list (save cuba, but that Demon started in Miami, so it may not count)… and the Demons have never hit all of that country’s top cities. Take for instance Spain; Madrid got hit, but not Barcelona. Or Australia; Sydney got hit, but not Melbourne. But it’s not always capitals. Three cities in Pakistan have been hit, but not Islamabad. Pretty much the same thing happened in Italy and Columbia. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern, although the President of Ghana claimed that this was God’s punishment for the “So called civilized world’s corrupt ways, a modern day Sodom and… something.” I always forget the other city. I think it’s a Godzilla monster… Mothra or Gahedra… I think it might be Rodan. Sodom and Rodan. Something like that… umm, I seem to have drifted awy from my point again. Hmm… yeah.

Okay, so the governments of all these important places have been kinda falling all over themselves trying to figure out what to do. At first, there was a lot of accusations. Since China got hit first, they blamed Japan. Then the US got hit and we blamed the Devil, Iran, North Korea, and China (claiming that they’d hit themselves for plausible deniability… whatever that means.) This Idiocy lasted about two weeks, until it became clear that the demons were targeting population centers, not politics. In that first fight, China tried using its army… lost something like a dozen tanks before the giant crab with lazervision eyes got bored and stated ignoring the machine gun fire. Eventually they had to carpet bomb the thing, which did more property damage than the actual Demon.

As I may have mentioned, the first attack on US soil was Los Angeles, and we didn’t fare much better than china. One giant bunny-thing (yeah, I’m sure Warner Brothers was laughing at the irony) later, bye-bye Disney-Land… still, by the end of that first week superheroes, magical girls, gizmoteers, and other roving bands of do-gooders were springing up like hot cakes. Of course, in those first few weeks, the Defenders were, like as not, also becoming Demon Chow. Take for instance Pony Princess and her Power Ponies… shudder.

Anyway… some countries instantly drafted their Defenders, reassigning them to high profile areas (often instead of more densely populated ones… in certain countries at least) But the United States doesn’t have a draft, so the President had to get congress to kinda create a loophole or something… whatever. The long and the short of it is that we get paid to Bash Demons, which is cool, but we don’t really have to salute or obey orders or relocate just cause the Top Brass says so.

The funny thing was, the Army, Navy, AIrforce… even the CIA and FBI, all claimed we should belong to them. Seriously… The Navy? Sure, some of the Demons crawl out of the sea, but most just “Poof!” appear in the middle of town (or crawl out of the sewers or forest or what have you.) so Navy we are not… unless a Creature-from-the-Black-Lagoon-Witch shows up. As for Airforce? Come on! I can fly and even I don’t think we’re Airforce. CIA? Not allowed to work on US Soil! FBI? That “I” stands for Investigation… I can barely finish my homework.

That leaves Army and Marines. To tell the truth, I was kinda pushing for Marines at first, cause it would be super cool to have a sword… then I though about how nuts it would be to give Lupe or Frankie or Miriam a sword. I’m scared enough with Demi’s insane weapon tactics. I guess it’s a good thing the Army (well, National Guard) won.

So, I’m telling you all this why? Because yesterday, this geek from the DOD (that’s Department of Defense) shows up wanting to do a photspread. You know, real hometown Americans defending their town from alien invaders. He wanted us to pose, you know, in our witchiforms (Frankie came up with that)… which was so not going to happen since the magic doesn’t let us change whenever we want to, only when we need to (not even for training… which is good cause it means less minutes spent as a girl, but bad cause we could really use the practice… maybe we should capture a small Demon and keep it around to induce change… naw… where would we store it.) Not only that but he’d brought uniforms… official Witch / USArmy hybrid Uniforms that he wanted us to wear. So, it’s a good thing we can’t transform at will cause I think Lupe would have ripped his spleen out… I don’t really know what a spleen is, where it is (aside from somewhere inside the body, near the lungs I think.), or what it does, but it’s a funny word. Spleeeeeen! If we had a battle cry, it would be hilarious for it to be “Spleen!” But I don’t think the others would get it.

Being the only boy in the group is hard. They tend to forget I’m a guy in the heat of combat, but then that ends and they go get icecream and head home. I bet, if they were the same age, they’d be having sleepovers and going out for manipedi’s or whatever it is girls do in those giggily groups of theirs. Sometimes I think I’d kill for another guy on the team, but with my luck he’d be a total spazz or freak or poser… or 8.

Jimmy is 8. Jimmy thinks he is a superhero. Jimmy has nearly been eaten by Demons not once, not twice, but five, count’em 5 times. If Jimmy has powers they are being close enough to Demon attacks to get there before we can beat it and being lucky enough to survive a battle zone repeatedly. So far, Jimmy has attacked Demons with a toy raygun, a shoe, a rock, a slingshot, and a half-eaten PB&J sammie. This kid is a pain.. and the girls (aside from Miriam) all think he’s supper cute. Ugh. He’s like Cartman but not quite so evil, fat, or sane. He claims he’s SUPERWITCH… and SUPERDUPERWITCH or FABULWITCH or GIGAWITCH or Orlock (which I think was supposed to be Warlock but he misheard.)

Anyway, I doubt I’d wish this gender confusion on anyone else. There’s a grand total of two of us gender-shifting Defenders in the whole world (not counting shapeshifters) and although I’ve considered trying to get in touch with War of the Five Horsemen, Aqua Vista, California is a long way away… and what would I say?

“Hi, I’m Andrew… I turn into a girl. You’re Jezabel, you turn into a boy. Wanna talk about it?” Naw… that’d be lame. Plus, I’ve seen footage of the Five Horsemen in action. Those guys (and girls) are scary with a capital “Aieeeee!” And I’m pretty sure, male or female, War is crazy, dangerous, and uberviolent. Still haven’t figured out what causes her to change; sometimes as War she’s Male, other times female. Either way, she seems to really like hitting Demons. Between her and Death, I’m not certain that Famine, Plague, or Taxes have even broken a sweat yet. Aqua Vista must be the freakin’ safest city on the planet with them around… or the most dangerous. I think the record for longest Demon Battle in Aqua Vista is less than a minute.

By comparison, our shortest fight was 18:03:79, according to out senior witches in residence. It’s not bad as records go. At least out longest fight was over in less than 45 minutes. The all time (so far) record for sucktasticness goes to Milan’s own modeloids “La Comunita” at two hours, nineteen minutes facing one Demon. The Cardinals (Rome, not Saint Louis) had to get there and help them out. It’s the only time those crimson robes have seen combat.

There are a lot of teams like that; teams that have seen precious little in the way of actual battle against actual Demons. See, no one is certain what the Demons are up to. They attack population centers around the world. Are these probaing attacks, testing defenses… or terror strikes designed to break morale… or are these, relatively speaking, pathetic assaults really the best they can do?

No one really buys that last theory, so even cities and countries that haven’t been hit yet are trying to cover their asses. I guess it makes sense, but still, why does Switzerland need 30 powered Defenders? Zurich has less than 2 million people, Bern even less. Sure, China, India, and the US have hundreds… and the most cities to defend. Nothing indicates that Switzerland needs Defenders. Some of the countries that have been hit don’t even have 30 Defenders.

Then again, the press said the same thing about New Salem… then we were attacked. Still, no clear reason why. At first the media claimed we had provoked the Demonic Overlords (Overblown name much?) But when other “small” towns started gearing up in their own special (and often creepy) way, nothing happened. Lubbock, Texas? Defenders 3, Demons no show. Akron, Ohio? Spokane, Pleasant Valley? Hell’s Gulch? Grandrapids, Oxnard, Salt Lake City? The Big Fat Goose-egg for the lot of them.

Which I guess brings me to the actual start of my story.

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(Copyright and all that stuff)

If you like my writing, check out the Novel I'm posting on my blog at sapphirechamber.blogspot.com. No TG elements, but it's a fun story. And I post every day.