---

 Jeannie’s fingers strained to grip the bedroom handset, her hold made more perilous by her damp hands. She peered at her husband, who had just finished punching in the number for his brother. She listened to the ringing on the other end. Maybe it would be better if he doesn’t answer. Jerry’s likely to be abrupt and Todd’s so sensitive. He’s going to be disappointed by how Todd receives his news. . . .

“Hey, Jerry, got some time to talk?” Todd asked hesitantly, his face screwed into a question mark.

“Sure, what’s up?”

His tone is flat, and almost without emotion, which is typical of Jerry’s “phone” persona. He’s marginally warmer face-to-face.

“I’ve got something I need to talk to you and Craig about, and it’s nothing I can really talk about over the phone.”

“What. . . . What is it? You’re not sick, are you?”

Jerry’s most likely remembering Craig’s prostate scare last year. He’s okay, the biopsy tested negative, but it sets the three brothers on edge whenever they talk.

“No. . . . I’m not sick, and no. . .before you even ask, I’m not looking for a hand out. . . . We’re fine. It’s just something that doesn’t fit well into a ten-minute phone conversation.”

If it isn’t that serious, why can’t you tell me now?” Jerry’s tone had turned from one of concern to impatience. “What’s going on that you have to be so secretive?”

Todd is being somewhat “secretive,” but he thinks revealing what’s troubling him to Jerry in a phone conversation won’t go well. . .and he’s probably right.

“Come on; cut the crap and get to it. I don’t have time for this shit.” Jerry’s tone had gone from impatient to rude.

Todd looked flustered.

He’s not anticipating a good outcome.

“You’ve heard of PTSD, right?” Todd asked tentatively

He’s worried that Jerry will hang up.

“Yeah. . .they briefed us about that after my first tour in Iraq. What does that have to do with you?”

Why is he snarling?

“I’ve been diagnosed with it, Jer. . .after I started going to the neuro-guy for the all the shaking and shrugging I’ve been doing.”

“Wait a sec. . .bro.” His use of “bro” sounded less than cordial or familial. “If anyone in the family should have it, it would be me.”

It’s understandable that he’s so resentful. I can’t imagine how it would be to watch your best friend get killed right before your eyes. They shouldn’t have gone back for their second tour.

“What the fuck ever happened to you. . . . What have you ever been through? At least Craig and me served. . . .What the fuck have you ever done?”

His tone’s downright mean. She carefully walked over to within inches of where Todd stood and started rubbing the back of his neck with her free hand, trying to ease the tension. His tremors have improved over the last few weeks, but his hands are shaking once again from the stress of the call.

“I’ve got something to tell you, and you getting pissed off at me doesn’t make it any easier. Can you let me finish?”

“Sure, what the fuck. . .go ahead. . . . It’s bound to be a beaut.” Jerry spat out his taunt as if he was talking to a street bum or a panhandler.

“PTSD happens. . .post traumatic stress disorder. . .when the brain can’t handle a significant trauma. . . .”

“What have you ever been through. . .?” Jerry interrupted him. “I saw my best friend’s head blown off. . . . What did you ever have happen like that. . .? You’re just like Mom said. . .what a fucking baby!”

Jerry would be sorely pressed to explain his own behavior, without first looking at his own loss and pain. He’s a victim. . .he’s suffered, but tries to get rid of the pain by getting involved in his job and activities and such after work. . . . As long as he stays busy, he doesn’t have to face the pain he feels and maybe get the help he needs.

“Jerry, please, I know you’ve been through a lot. . .a lot more than I ever will have happen.”

I can’t stand it when Todd minimizes his own loss and trauma while trying to placate his brother, but he’s wrong. You can’t compare pain to pain. . . . Both are tragic -- like apples to oranges -- separate but painfully equal.

“You remember when you and Craig used to go with Mommy and Daddy to the shore every summer when we were kids? Sometimes you’d stay at Uncle Tommy’s and Craig would hang out with his buddies. They always left me at Grandma’s house.”

“What the fuck? You’re telling me you’re hurt because you didn’t get to go to the dog shows in the summer. Fuck. . . . I lost my best friend and you’re fucking upset because you didn’t get to go on the rollercoaster? I don’t have time for this shit!”

Todd and his wife stared at each other in disappointment. It was apparent from what they were hearing on the phone that Jerry would have hung up, but for Mickey, his wife, who was trying to get him to calm down by talking quietly to him.

“Jerry,” Todd said slowly, “please shut the fuck up for one sec and listen to me. It wasn’t about what you guys got to do. . . . It was about what happened when you guys were gone.”

“Whaddya mean? What was so bad? Come on, what could be so bad. . . . Jeez, you’re such a fucking baby.

“Uncle Todd raped me. . .he fucking raped me.” Todd began to cry.

Jeanne held him tightly and squeezed his hand. She kissed him lightly on the cheek.

“No fucking way. . .you’re fucking wrong. What the fuck is that doctor fillin’ your head with. You’re wrong.” His tone changed from defiance to . . . confusion.

Jeannie could hear Mickey console her husband. Mickey and Jeannie were fairly close, and had long suspected something was wrong in their husbands’ family that no one could put a finger on.

“He raped me. . .every which way. . .when I was ten. . .the help I’m getting with the neuro-doc is sorta odd. . .biofeedback. . .affecting the part of the brain that controls memory and emotion.”

“No fucking way. . .your doc probably told you to say this. . . . He’s trying to get you into some fucking program so they can get money out of you.”

“All of this came out days after I saw him. . . . It’s fairly common. . . . Listen to me, please. . .have I ever lied to you. . . . This happened. . . . Every feeling. . . .”

“I don’t understand. How the fuck didn’t you remember this until just now?”

Todd apparently had calmed down. He wiped his remaining tears with a hand towel Jeannie had handed him.

She cried and stroked his arm . . . more to comfort herself.

“You know how Tommy likes to play with trains?” Todd said, referring to Jerry’s son.

“What the fuck has that got to do with anything.”

“Well. . .think of the brain as a railroad and all the paths for signals as tracks. When something bad happens, like what you saw with your friend. . . .” Todd paused, apparently waiting to see if he’d struck a exposed nerve. Hearing nothing on the other end, he continued. “When the brain can’t handle a trauma, it makes a new ‘track’ like Tommy’s train set, to bypass the memory. And the new track keeps you sorta safe. . . .”

“Why now, Todd? Why the fuck now?”

“Because Uncle Todd died last year.”

Todd hates to even say his uncle’s name. . . . It hurts him so bad to be named after his abuser, but he’s doing better.

“So. . . . I don’t understand. What the fuck has that to do with anything. . . . For Christsakes. . .you’re fucking thirty-nine years old. What the fuck?”

Jerry sounds more confused than angry, but his tone’s making it so hard for Todd to say what he has to say next.

“Jer. . .fuck. . .Jerry. . ..” Todd began to cry once again, and struggled to continue. “He said he’d kill someone. . . . He fucking told me he’d kill you if I ever told anyone.”

Todd drop his handset and collapsed on the couch, sitting up holding his face in his hands -- weeping tears of sadness.

It’s such a relief for him to finally be able to tell his brother. Jeannie picked up the phone and began to talk. “Jerry. . .it’s Jeannie. . . . You there?”

“Jeannie, what the fuck is going on?”

“Todd’s doctor explained that even as an adult, the fear was always in the back of his mind that your uncle would kill you if he talked. When your uncle died, it took away that block.”

“I don’t understand. Uncle Todd died last year. Why now. . .why so long after he died?”

“There’s a lot more to talk about. . .that’s why he wanted to meet you and Craig together. . .face-to-face. Honey, let me talk to Mickey, okay?”

Jeanne heard sounds of the phone being passed. “Mickey. . .hon. . .have you been listening?” Jeannie hoped for an ally. Mickey had been a good friend to Jeannie since she married Jerry.

“You know, I never trusted that fucker. . . . There was just something about him. . . . How is Toddy doing, hon? How are you doing?”

“We’re doing fairly well. I knew something like this was going to happen, but there really isn’t anything we can do to prevent or make things easier. He’s going to go through what he goes through. It’s been hell, but it’s so much better now. And you know this will be so much better still if Jerry and Craig can be there for him. I need you guys to call Craig and Connie. Todd needs his family more than ever, and I don’t think he can handle another phone call like this.

“Sure thing, sweetie,” Mickey said. “Give me your hand, Jer,” she said softly away from the phone. “I think we can help out,” she said, apparently turning back to talk to Jeannie. “Jerry loves Todd. . .you know that. . .this is just such a shock. We’re going to be okay. . .you’ll see. I’ll call Connie tomorrow. . . . It’s kinda late for this stuff. We’re going to be okay. Love you. . . . Talk to you tomorrow!” Mickey hung up.

Jeannie turned around and saw Todd sitting up with his face buried in the side bolster of the couch. She carefully lifted him off the couch and hugged her husband. How he would get through this -- how they’d all get through this -- was still a mystery, but her faith helped her believe it would be alright.

Two figures lay side by side in the large bed. She stroked her lover’s longish hair, wanting to provide some solace after what had taken place earlier that day. Their bodies were pressed together, almost as one. She wore a long pale nightgown, which matched the light grey gown worn by her lover. Another time perhaps, this scene might have been sensual, satisfying soul, body, and spirit. Tonight, it was simply one woman comforting another, trying to help her lover fall asleep after a horrific day of hurt and memories and rejection and pain. Another time. . .maybe someday in the future, these two might make love and experience the intimacy that their relationship might grow into, but now it was sister-to-sister. One heart comforting another; one kissing and hugging, the other laying still, weeping tears of sadness and unresolved fear and doubt.

Two hearts uniting as one in true, unmitigated and sweet love.

To be continued

Un Giorno Per Noi - A Time For Us - Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet
Words by Larry Kusik and Eddie Snyder and Music by Nino Rota
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcyRO_ZFa9I

---

 
Lunch was over and everyone had settled into the living room for 'the meeting" as Mickey, Jerry's wife had called it; everyone except for Jeannie and Jerry. Jeannie was busy getting a tray together for cups and a carafe, and Jerry stood next the front window, shifting nervously back and forth from one foot to another.

I've got hot water on for tea, if anyone wants it, as well, Jeannie said. She looked over nervously at Jerry,

"What's his problem...we talked about this for two weeks...He's still so...angry," Jeannie thought as she brought the tray in and placed it on the table in front of the couch. Todd sat alone, almost like a pariah...as if what he had was catching.

"Can we get this thing started," Jerry said, looking at his watch.

"His brother's heart is broken and all he can do is think about a fucking football game...Qual ᨠil suo fottutamente problema?" Jeannie thought as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Jerry, would you please sit down; come over here," Mickey said and patted the cushion next to her on the love seat. "The game can wait...this is your brother, and he needs to talk to you." Mickey was not only Jerry's wife, but his rock of security and peace. She grabbed him by his arm and pulled him over to her.

"We talked about this on the phone...what more is it that we need to know," Craig said, emphasizing the word we while glaring at his baby brother. He turned and smiled an uncomfortable smile at Todd, who still sat alone on the couch.

"I just don't know what to say, Todd." Craig continued. "It's not that I don't believe you...I do...but it is so...incredible."

Todd spoke for the first time all afternoon. He had remained quiet through most of lunch, and excused himself for about an hour before returning. Jeannie came over and sat beside her husband, still upset with Jerry. That Jerry was dealing with his own issues meant nothing to her at this point, since she was focused on her husband's needs alone.

"Honey," she said, squeezing Todd's hand, "It's okay, we're all here for you,” She glared at Jerry, who was looking away.

"He probably thinks if he doesn't talk about it, it didn't happen, and then it'll get buried with all of his own crap!" Jeannie thought.

Mickey slapped Jerry's arm and said, "Jer…listen to what your brother has to say.

Connie, Craig's wife had already begun to mist up, knowing the difficulty Todd was feeling at that moment. She had already faced her own childhood demons; she had been molested by an older cousin, and had gotten to the place where she saw herself finally, not as a victim, but as a survivor. She knew exactly what Todd was going through.

Todd looked around the room. Every eye was on him except for Jerry's, which were cast down and looking at his shoes. He began.

"I wrote a couple of website addresses on the index cards I gave you," he said, and he took a deep breath.

"There's a lot of information and links to other sites as well. One is a link to a video about PTSD, and the other is one for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse as children. I figured it would be helpful and easier to understand than if I told you."

"He's still not paying attention," Jeannie thought to herself, angrily. She looked over and Mickey picked up on her expression. Mickey swatted Jerry in the arm again, as if to say, "Pay attention."

"What I don't understand," Craig said, "Is how could he get away with it...why didn't Nana pick up on what was going on?" Craig didn't doubt Todd's story, he just didn't comprehend how anyone could molest a child in an apartment with two other adults.

"I mean...didn't Aunt Susan pick up on it...where were they when this was happening?

Todd bit his tongue. He wasn't frustrated with Craig, but the explanation was such a horror, that he was reluctant to speak.

Jeannie looked at Todd, who had already begun to tear up.

"He can't do this alone...it's too much." She put her hand on his shoulder as if to say, "I'm here, honey." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek before continuing.

"Todd told me the story of how your grandfather rejected your Mom and Uncle Todd."

Jerry raised his head for the first time since they began and said, "What...what did Granddaddy say? I don't remember that"

Craig looked at Jerry and said, "Granddaddy went up to Mom when she was about eleven...that would have made Uncle Todd about twelve. He said, "I don't love you anymore, you're not my children." I only have two children, your sisters." He paused...Jeannie, what's that got to do with anything?"

Connie looked up, and her face was red, her eyes filled with tears as she said, almost sad and angry at the same time,

"It means he moved on." She put her head in her hands and began to weep, mostly out of sympathy, but also remembering her own childhood.

"The bastard rejected your mother and your uncle..." Jeannie's voice trailed off, her own eyes filled with tears, but she continued. 'He wasn't interested in them anymore." She cursed under her breath, "Che cosa e fotuttomente bastardo..."

Todd looked up, finally composed enough to resume.

"Jerry...Jerry...look at me." He said it with as much strength as he could. Craig's eyes had already begun to widen in recognition for what Todd was going to say.

"Do you remember that old photo we all had copies of? Mom and Uncle Todd and Aunt Claire and Aunt Susan?" He blinked out some tears and continued.

"Aunt Susan and Aunt Clare were smiling, but Mom and Uncle Todd looked like they just lost their pet dog...you remember?

"We've scanned the picture to our computer...I know that one." Mickey said, squeezing Jerry's hand.

"Do you remember Aunt Claire?"

"What the fuck does this..." Jerry would have continued but Mickey punched him hard in the arm and said,

"Jerry, for once could you just fucking listen?"

"Mom and Aunt Claire grew up in the same household, but they were different, but for one thing. I remember looking at Aunt Claire's eyes. She was the most precious dearest person I ever knew..."

"That's why you took the name Claire for....her" Jeannie reminded herself of Todd's femme alter ego. "She was everything you really wanted to be" She squeezed Todd's arm.

"She would smile and make you feel welcome, but she had the same sad look that Mom had...there was a real reason for that look, Jer."

Craig looked over at Todd and nodded. He and Todd had talked about this the day before and agreed sadly with the conclusion that Todd made.

"Fuck Jer… listen to me....Mom, Susan, Claire...Uncle Todd...do I have to spell it out?" Mickey looked over at Jeannie and Todd and they both nodded when they saw her expression. She got up from the love seat and sat down beside Todd, giving him a hug while beginning to weep. Jeannie reached over and patted her softly on the arm.

Connie wiped the tears from her eyes and said,

"That's what happens in families...it starts with one or two...and then moves on to the next...Jerry...your grandfather molested all of his children."

"No...That can't be right...that's fucking disgusting...why would he do that? What the fuck...no...you're wrong." By now Mickey was sobbing and had buried her face in Todd's sleeve. Mickey had been like a sister to Todd since she came into the family after Jerry's first marriage fell apart.

Craig spoke, quietly, but perhaps with the authority of the head of the family,

"He hurt Mom and Uncle Todd, and when he grew tired of them, he moved on to Susan and Claire. That's where this all started." His eyes were still filled with tears, but his voice was controlled.

"Mom never really got over it. Even after being with Daddy all those years, she never… Jer...there was a reason why she grew up a tomboy...why even after she got married she never wore anything pretty...why she dressed...almost like a boy."

"No...You’re fucking wrong...that never happened."

By now, Jeannie was beyond angry, but it wasn't all directed at Jerry. He was having a perfectly natural reaction to the news, even if he was wrong. Nevertheless, he got her attention.

"Jerry...would you just shut the fuck up and think? Why do you think your uncle fucked your brother? This stuff doesn't just happen...It has to come from somewhere. Your grandfather hurt his children. And none of them came out of it without scars. Your Aunt Susan...Remember?

"Yeah...everybody knew...she was."

"Don't say it, Jer...Don't you fucking say it," Mickey said, raising her head from Todd's shoulder, her face awash with tears.

"What, she was a fucking slut." Jerry said it as if he was proud of the conclusion.

"Jerry...shut the fuck up...just shut up and listen." Craig rarely got angry, but his face was red and he stumbled for the next few words.

"First...that's our Aunt, not some stranger. Second, you moron, listen to your own words. She had a reputation around town, yeah, but why do you think she started it... " Craig's voice trailed off, and Jeannie jumped in.

"Do you think she just got up one morning as said to herself, “I’m going to be a fucking slut?" Jeannie practically shouted that.

"Che cosa e imbecile!" Jeannie once again lapsed into Italian. "Most...I repeat...listen and get this through your fucking thick skull.

"Hey...you can't talk to me like that! Jerry took a step toward Jeannie and Craig jumped up and grabbed his brother.

"Jerry...would you please just listen? For God's sake...just listen." He patted his brother on the back in an attempt to calm him down.

"Girls who become promiscuous at an early age....lots of times...I would even think most of the time...they were abused as children...read something beside the sports page for a change..." Her voice trailed off as she looked at Connie, who was turning red, and trying to cover her face. She had her own history, most of which all the sisters-in-law had talked about. Connie knew what Aunt Susan had gone through because she had gone through it herself.

Craig looked in his brother's eyes. Jerry didn't want to know this. He didn't want to face the truth, but why so vehement?

"Jerry, they all were hurt. And everyone had to figure out how to live without having any help from anyone. Grandma was a drunk and Granddaddy..." Craig wiped his own tears from his face.

"Mommy tried to stay safe by making herself unattractive. Aunt Susan figured out that fucking was the way to get attention. Uncle Todd turned out just like his father…and Aunt Claire?" Craig's voice trailed off.

"Your Aunt Claire raised you pretty much after your mother fell apart," Jeannie said. They weren't planning on talking about Todd and his other self, but it came out. Years of dancing around what happened when Todd was caught by his mother.

"She hated your brother because he was trying to be everything she hated about herself!" Jeannie almost yelled. "She spent a lifetime protecting herself and she couldn't handle her son wanting to be what she couldn't"

"Your mother didn't just reject Todd...she rejected all of you. She couldn't handle all the anger she'd built up inside toward your Grandfather, since you're not allowed to get angry with your parents ...Isn't that what you've always said, Jer?" Jeannie was so angry and her eyes so flooded with tears that she could hardly see.

"So she started drinking just like her Mom. It didn't help that your fucking father was beating you all the time and yelling at her constantly."

"Don't say that about my father…you don't have a fucking right to say that." Jerry said, and took another step toward Jeannie.

"It stops now, Jer," A voice came from behind him. Mickey had walked over and put her arms around her husband in a bear hug.

"This is what that fucker did to you all...every one." Mickey said, her anger mixed with sad crying, but she went on.

"We've all got to get a handle on it. This isn't Todd's fault...It's not Craig's fault, but if you don't get some help for your anger, you're going to hurt yourself. Tommy and Jeannie cry when they see you lose it. I know what you saw in Iraq...I know it hurts, but it stops now...You've got to get help…we've all got to get help for this." She wept, trying hard not to let go of her husband.

"She's right, Jer,” Connie said quietly. She got up from the chair and walked over to Jerry and Mickey and put her arms around them both.

Jerry wanted so much to argue, but Connie's expression diffused his anger.

Jeannie looked around the room. It had gone from heated argument to nearly silence in a moment. Todd had raised his head and was holding onto her hand.

"Come fottutamente folle ᨠla nostra famiglia?" Jeannie said sarcastically, and while everyone was upset, even if things were calmer, there would be no-one in the Sinclair family that would disagree.

A few days later, Jeannie was still drained by the family meeting. She walked into the living room just as Todd was hanging up the phone.

"Todd, what's wrong?" She had an idea already, but waited for his answer.

"Jerry is.... I…." Todd put his hand to his face and wiped away tears, apparently angry and confused.

"He's still not talking," Jeannie thought to herself. "What is so fucking hard that he can't talk to his brother?"

"He asked me how I was, so I told him that everything is about the same." Todd sniffled loudly and he started crying. "He asked me about the other thing.... Craig said Jerry told him they didn't want to talk, and he brings it up." Todd said, obviously trying to control himself.

"What did he ask?” Why bring it up if he can't deal with it?" Jeannie thought and grew angry as Todd struggled with his words.

"I asked him why he asked if he didn't want to know.' Todd wiped his face again, this time with his sleeve. "You know what he said? Well...it happened to you.... He actually emphasized YOU!" Fuck.... And Billy Collier called."

"Haven't heard from him in a few weeks… What did he want?” Jeannie asked, wondering where everything was going.

"He called this afternoon, just before I talked with Jerry. He said he and Laura were thinking about us, and he wanted to know how I was doing.... He knew about the tremors and the other physical problems. So I told him what happened.... He deserves to know.... He's my best friend, Jeannie."

"Billy's such a good friend…." Jeannie had an idea about what Todd was going to say and it made her glad and angry at the same time. Her suspicions were immediately confirmed.

"He prayed for me...right over the phone.... And then he started to cry...right there...and that got me crying... Fuck, I'm crying all the fucking time.... I fucking hate this so much...."

Jeannie sat down and hugged Todd, her eyes filled with tears. "Honey...we're going to get through this.... We will... It's going to be okay...." She kissed his face and hugged him as tight as she ever had.

"My own fucking brother is like a fucking stranger and my best friend cries.... It's like losing Jerry...it's almost like he died...." Todd began to sob.

Jeannie held him tight, stroking his hair. "Sará  bene. Si otterrá . Dio ᨠin controllo, il mio amore." Soon her own sobs matched her husband's as they kissed. She was tired, and she felt helpless. Years of abuse and neglect had damaged all of the men in the Sinclair family, and all she could do was hold her husband and cry.

To be continued

Ask Me by Amy Grant
Words and Music by
Amy Grant and Tom Hemby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2bOMpZa7mQ
Coming Soon: Choices

---

 

Is this real enough for you?
You were so confused
Now that you've decided to stay
We'll remain together

You can't abandon me
You belong to me

Mickey was sitting up in bed, her back leaning on the pillows piled against the headboard. She had tears in her eyes, but they weren't for her.

"Jerry...come on honey...It's okay....these things happen." She said, patting the bed in beckoning.

"Not to me...not now." Jerry was in tears as well, and they were all for him, which was okay. He felt a failure, and was nearly weeping in shame.

"Jer...Come on...we've had this happen before...every couple does...come to bed, honey." Mickey patted the bed once again and smiled through her tears with welcome.

"Mickey...honey....this isn't right...it never was...I can't do this anymore..." Jerry was standing by the door to the bathroom.

"Honey...we've talked about this...Dr. Arcola already explained this to us...It's okay...there's nothing wrong."

"But what if he's wrong? What if it did happen....before...?” Jerry's voice trailed off. Mickey looked at Jerry with as much love and acceptance as anyone every could and said calmly,

"So what if it did...what if you... Does it matter when? It hurts. God knows it hurts; honey, but it can't define you. You have to know that I accept you no matter what. I knew everything about you...warts and all, when we got married, didn't I. Come to bed honey...we'll just lie next to each other, okay...no pressure....no need for anything other than for you to know I love you.

"I'm so afraid." Jerry put his hands to his face and wept bitter tears. A man who fought in two tours in Iraq, earning a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. A brave man who held his best friend's lifeless body in his arms. A man who saw too many things that no one should ever have to see. A brave man.

"Jerry...it's okay to be afraid..." Mickey got out of bed and walked over to where her husband stood and walked behind him, hugging him as if he were about to run away. Jerry had run away a lot without moving an inch in the past two years. He ran away from the pain of the loss of his best friend. He ran away from the memory of his first marriage, which ended in a sad, neglectful divorce, as if it were spoiled fruit dying on a vine. He ran away from his brother, who had reached out for support in his own painful trauma...trauma which Jerry was too scared to admit was just like his own.

"Jerry...Remember what Donny said...what we talked about." Mickey squeezed Jerry once again.

"Jerry, it's okay." Donny Arcola sat across from Mickey and Jerry, his look of acceptance giving Mickey some peace of mind, but doing nothing to ease Jerry's fears.

"I feel so guilty....I'm such a fucking loser." Jerry began to weep, causing Mickey to tighten her grip on Jerry's hand. Donny just asked the question,

"What are you guilty of, Jerry. What have you done?" Donny was aware of Jerry's past from the intake interview and his last session. He wanted Jerry to identify for himself where the guilt was coming from.

"Fuck...where do I begin...Oh yeah...my own brother gets fucked up the ass and all I can say is..."well, that happened to you." Some brother I am.

"That's not all as far as that's concerned, though, is it Jerry?" Donny's expression was welcoming.

"I'm a fucking liar...a fucking disappointment." Jerry actually patted his chest with his fist, as if to own what he had just said.

"Oh, honey...you don't disappoint me..." Mickey said, but stopped when Donny put his hand out in caution.

"Why are you a disappointment, Jerry....who have you disappointed?" Donny leaned closer to hear Jerry's answer.

"I let Todd go all these years feeling he was so fucked up....I let him down." Jerry turned his head, looking for a way out, as if he could climb through the wall of the windowless office.

"How did you let him down...what didn't you do that you should have?" Donny was convinced that Jerry was feeling guilty over some neglectful thing...from his perspective. He used the word "should" because he knew that's how Jerry felt.

"I shoulda told him about me....I let him down, Donny. I let my big brother down....Maybe if I'da said somethin' he'd be past all this crap now."

"How so, Jerry, what could you have told him that would help him." Donny could see a breakthrough coming. He didn't want to rush it. He looked at Mickey, who nodded as if to say, "You're on the right track.

"What is it that Todd needs to know? What can you tell him that will help him, Jerry?

"That he's not the only one....he.....I..." Jerry choked back his sobs and continued.

"Toddy...he musta been about twelve....after....Uncle Todd....you know...." Donny was working with Todd, and he had permission to speak about Todd's abuse with his family members. He nodded and said nothing.

"I was nine, and I usta spend all my time over at Bobby Bigelow's house....about every day for a while." He looked at Donny as if to get permission to continue.

"His cousin....Jackie....Bobby's mom was working during the day and she'd leave Bobby with Jackie. He was there all the time." Donny could see where this was going, but wanted to let Jerry tell his story, so he asked no questions, and just continued to nod.

"We.....we would play games...." Jerry bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, prompting Mickey to try to dab the blood from his mouth. Donny put his hand out, palm down, as if to say, "Let him do that." Mickey wasn't wrong in trying to help her husband, but at that point, Donny wanted him to be aware of what was going on in the moment, since it likely paralleled what happened years ago.

"It wasn't a fucking game....he....what the fuck did we know? We were little kids, and he had us sucking him....like it was a game." Jerry began to sob so hard that he hyperventilated. He eventually caught his breath and buried his face in Mickey's shoulder and wept. Mickey looked over at Donny for a sign as if to say, "Is it okay now?" Donny nodded and Mickey embraced her husband and patted him on the back while saying, "It's okay Jer...."

"I'm soorrrry." Jerry kept saying it over and over for several minutes until his weeping subsided. He looked up, seeking absolution from both Donny and Mickey. Mickey knew the story, but it took Jerry coming face to face with his brother's hurt and pain to acknowledge his own.

"Jerry...just think about what you said, okay?’What the fuck did we know? We were little kids, and he had us sucking him...like it was a game." Jerry...that's exactly what happened.

"What do you mean, I don't understand."

"You were a child in the care of someone who was supposed to look after you. You were nine, right?" Jerry nodded. "How old was he?

"I think he was sixteen or seventeen...." Jerry said as he wiped his face with his sleeve. Mickey grabbed a tissue and handed it to him, and he blew his nose.

"So, what does a nine year old who doesn't know what's what do? Did you have a choice?" Donny of course knew the answer, but he wanted Jerry to discover that for himself.

"I coulda run away. Yeah, that's what I shoulda done." Jerry began to cry once again, feeling defeated.

"It sounds like you think you did something wrong. Did you do something wrong, Jerry?" Donny said this almost with no emotion.

"I sucked his cock...that's wrong...that's wrong." He turned and looked at Mickey, his expression revealing not only pain, but guilt and shame.

"Did you know it was wrong?" Mickey jumped in. She looked at Donny as if to apologize, but Donny nodded as if to say, "Keep going."

"Jerry...did you know it was wrong?" She put her hand on his arm in reassurance.

"No...I was a kid...what the fuck did I know?" Even as he said it, the look of horror and recognition that crossed his face caused Mickey to begin crying.

"Nooooo.....nooooo." Jerry once again buried his face in Mickey's shoulder, his body almost convulsing from the sobs. But these were sobs of release and the beginning of healing for Jerry, as he wept, not as a guilty participant, but as a victim, and eventually, Donny expected, as a survivor.

"It's okay, Jerry, it's okay honey....." Mickey's sobs nearly matched Jerry's as they embraced. A corner had been turned; progress that would ultimately be part of the healing for the entire Sinclair family.

"I'm so scared, Mickey....what if this is all because of what happened. What if I'm just fucked up in the head?"

"When did it start, Jerry? We talked about this. When did you start feeling this way?" Mickey knew the answer already, but she hoped that by asking the question once again, it would help Jerry understand. He needed to know there was nothing wrong with him.

"I....I was about seven....Mommy had gone out and Daddy was at work. I think Craig was over at Tommy's house and Toddy...I don't remember, but I was all alone." Jerry blinked back his tears as he turned toward Mickey; she nodded as if to say,,,"Okay...go on."

"I went into their room...Mommy didn't....she was sorta okay back then....I think she didn't start drinking....I don't know" Jerry was already embarrassed and ashamed, even though he had yet to say what was hurting him. And he was even upset at not being able to remember the details. Mickey just pulled him closer and held both of his hands with hers.

"I went into her drawer and pulled it out....it was…so pretty. I don't think.....Mommy never dressed up...hardly ever." Jerry struggled to choke back the tears, not just for himself, but for the memory of his mother.

"What we talked about....not wanting to be pretty....knowing now why...." He began to sob, once again reminded of the abuse his mother endured at the hands of her own father. How she tried to fade into the background...to be unnoticed...

"I remember she dressed up for somebody's wedding. We didn't go...Craig took care of us and Mommy and Daddy went alone." He sighed as he recalled.

"She was the prettiest...." Jerry bit his lip, overwhelmed with sadness over the devastation that his grandfather had wrought.

"Daddy said...honey, you look beautiful." Jerry bit his tongue again. "The only time I ever heard anyone tell Mommy something nice...she was so pretty."

"But she didn't know it, or didn't want to know, did she Jer?" Mickey looked into Jerry's eyes, her tears mirroring his own.

"No...." He looked away, as if to find something, anything that might give him an understanding of how he felt.

"It was a half-slip....almost a charcoal color....it was so soft...." Jerry looked into Mickey's eyes. She just nodded. Her expression told Jerry everything he needed to know.

"It was so pretty....I felt....closer to her..." Jerry shook his head, as if to say no to himself, but Mickey just kept looking at him with acceptance.

"Jerry...this all happened before the other thing....before you were hurt." Mickey blinked back her tears and opened her eyes wider, as if her own recognition would help Jerry understand.

"Jerry...you felt like this because this is part of you....you didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with you Jerry.' She reached up and kissed her husband on the cheek, tasting, almost savoring his tears, a precious part of who he was.

"Jerry, I told you when we first met that we should have no secrets, right? And you told me all of yours and I told you all of mine, right?" She smiled through her tears and continued.

"I'm still here, aren't I? I'm still in love with you and you're still in love with me?" She said the last part more like a statement.

"This is part of you...part of you that I not only respect but have come to love and appreciate." She smiled once again. Jerry started to mouth the word, "but" and Mickey put her finger over his lips.

"No buts...I love all of you...my soldier...so brave and caring...my provider....my best friend.....every part of you, Jer...every part of you.

"I know, but this is different." Jerry choked back a sob and looked down at himself.

"Not to me." Mickey began to cry once again, not for herself, but for the guilt and shame that her husband had endured for so long, even with her unconditional acceptance. "I married all of you, and I love all of you." She grabbed him by the hand.

"It's been a long day, and we need to get to bed, honey, come on, okay?" Mickey kissed Jerry lightly on the cheek once again and walked back over to the bed, with Jerry in tow.

The two figures cuddled in blissful slumber, as close as they had ever been; perhaps even closer after a night that started with doubt and failure and finished with acceptance and hope. Both were peaceful, dreaming nice dreams as they held each other. Two women deeply in love; one learning to accept herself and learning that she was loved for exactly who she was created to be. The other now awake and looking as she had always looked at her husband; through accepting and adoring eyes.

Coming Soon - In Her Eyes
 
Surrender
from the Album Demos 2001-2002
As Performed by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8EKIQpoXdE

---

Jerry sat on the bed, phone in hand. The nervous look on his face was almost an understatement compared with the growing knot in his stomach. He waded past the typical brother to brother greeting and spoke.

"Craig...we need to talk." Mickey stood by the bed next to Jerry as he held the phone, a very scared look on his face. She rubbed his arm as he continued.

"Yeah, but I need you to come over here with Connie. We can get someone to watch the kids, but it's gotta be over here and just us and you and Todd and Jeannie, okay?"

"No, it'll be better if we talk here....Yeah, I know your house is bigger, but there's something I've got to take care of, and I'll feel better if we talk here, okay?"

"Alright, four tomorrow, we can order out for pizza. Yeah, I love you too." Jerry hung up the phone and turned to his wife, who looked at him with an understanding smile.

"They'll be here...." Jerry looked at Mickey, whose understanding face gave him the safety to let go. He began to sob.

"He'll hate me after this, Hon...I don't think I can do this." Jerry looked at Mickey, whose eyes were filled with tears, a sad but sweet proof of her love for him.

"It's going to be okay...he loves you and Toddy...I think you're selling him short." She rubbed his arm once again.

“Trust me,” She whispered as she sat down on the bed and pulled him into a warm embrace.
 

A long nervous day promised to be even longer as the family’s afternoon was about to get interesting.

Mickey stood at the door. The delivery guy was just driving off as Craig and Connie pulled into the driveway. Craig got out of the car and walked up the sidewalk, leaving Connie in the car.

"Hey silly, aren't you forgetting something," Mickey said with a smile as she pointed back to the car.

"No...we sorta had an argument...she's okay...I was a jackass as usual, so she's going to sit there for a few moments until she can figure out a way of dealing with it without killing me." Craig half-smiled from embarrassment and kissed Mickey on the cheek.

"The pizza is on the table in the kitchen. I've got plates and stuff. Help yourself to drinks in the fridge."

"Sure...where's Jerry?" Craig said; looking past Mickey and seeing Jeannie sitting in the living room, her typical mug of coffee glued to her hand.

"Oh...he and Todd had something they were taking care of. They'll be here in a few minutes." Mickey grimaced.

"I sure hope the hell this works," She thought to herself as she bounded down the front steps to greet Connie, who was just then walking up the sidewalk.

Craig looked at his watch. The family had nowhere else to go that evening. He was anxious just because he had been waiting all of twelve minutes without either of his brothers making an entrance.

"I thought you said they were going to be here soon." Craig looked again at his watch, as if time had suddenly advanced in the few seconds it took to ask the question.

"Craig, give it a rest." Connie said. "We don't have to be anywhere, and I'm sure things can wait a few moments. Come here and let's make up while we're waiting, okay?" Connie smiled at her husband and turned to Jeannie and Mickey and half-smiled, as if to say, "Look what I have to put up with." Jeannie just shook her head.

"You know, I'll be right back, okay?" Mickey smiled again and quickly ran up the stairs.

"Oh great...one more goes missing." Craig said, looking at his watch.

"Sweetheart, give me your hand." Connie said it in such a way as to sound almost romantic.

Craig stuck out his right hand, and Connie promptly pulled his watch off his wrist and tossed it to Jeannie who stuck it in her jeans pocket.

"There! Now isn't that better?" She said and kissed him on the cheek. Craig wasn't amused at all.

"Very funny. Where are they?" Craig said, looking at his wrist out of habit.

"Craig...Si calmatevi?" Jeannie said with a wry grin on her face. Craig spoke no Italian, but even he understood what Jeannie said.

"Why should I calm down? I gave up a Saturday of golf with some friends for this and Jerry isn't even here."

"Yes, I am," a voice said from the stairway. Craig turned to look at his brother, but someone entirely different stood on the stairs. A tall woman in her thirties, what some might at one time called handsome, stood next to Mickey. She wore black linen slacks and a cream silk sleeveless shell. Her hair was short but feminine. She wore little makeup; the only adornment besides some lip gloss and eye shadow was a very nervous look. Standing behind her and Mickey was another woman, clad similarly save for the color of her shell, which was a rich brown. Apart from the younger one’s long hair, they were near twins, and they looked familiar.

Craig stood up and stared at the two women next to Mickey on the stairs. He turned and looked at Connie as if to say, "Do you believe this?" He took one step toward the stairs and stopped. His face turned from wonder to astonishment and quickly to anger as he said,

"Oh, fuck no!' He walked quickly down the hallway to the bathroom and slammed the door.

“I told you it wouldn’t work…I’m so fucked up…” Jerry sat on the couch, his head in his hands. He had resisted the urge to cry up until that point. Connie got up and sat down beside him on the couch, putting her hand on his shoulder, which had just the opposite effect that she intended as he turned and fell into her arms and wept.

“Jerry, It’s okay…Craig loves you…he just doesn’t understand.” Connie patted Jerry on the back and continued.

“All of this has happened so quickly…Todd’s illness; your illness. He’s scared. He thought he was going to die last year after the cancer scare.” Connie rubbed Jerry’s neck.

Jeannie stood up and smiled.

“Mickey…you’ve only got the one bathroom down here, right?” She looked down the hallway with a conspiratorial grin.

“Oh….yes…Jeannie…we only have the one bathroom down here, and I have to go too.” Mickey giggled as she ran up the stairs.

“Well…I have to go potty, and someone is going to have to vacate the bathroom!” Jeannie said as she marched down the hall.”

“Hey Craig…I gotta pee really bad and Mickey’s using the other bathroom.” Jeannie said as she rudely banged her hand on the door. A moment later, the door opened and Craig walked out, still angry, but with a face that was less red than a few minutes before.

“Don’t start.” Craig said as he looked at Jeannie. She just smiled and walked calmly into the bathroom and shut the door.

Craig walked down the hallway and entered the living room. Ignoring the scene on the couch, he walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a plate and helped himself to some pizza.

“Craig James Sinclair,” Connie said loudly, “You come right out here and talk to your brothers.

“Hell, no!” Craig said calmly. “What brothers? You gotta be kidding me.”

“What?” Jeannie’s voice was hardly heard over the sound of her loud footsteps as she ran down the hall. She walked into the kitchen and got into Craig’s face.”

“Stop it! I’m so fucking tired of this family. You’re being such an ass! Get in there and talk to your brothers.” Jeannie rarely cried, and never in front of anyone, but then and there years of frustration came spilling out in a torrent of tears.

“You have to stop this now…this has gone far enough.” Jeannie wasn’t angry as much as she was frustrated over years of the Sinclair stoic “ignore the elephant in the living room” approach to life.

“Craig…we’ve known each other f…fff…for a long time, and I know you love your brothers …Prove it! Puh..prove me right and go in there and show me.” Jeannie was weeping almost uncontrollably at that point. Mickey had come back downstairs and went to Jeannie and held her. She looked over Jeannie’s shoulder and stared at Craig. He got up slowly, mostly out of embarrassment, but also because he really didn’t want to face both Mickey and Jeannie at that point.

“Come over here and sit down, okay, Hon?” Connie patted the cushion next to her. Jerry sat up and looked at his brother as he sat down. His face was puffy from crying and he had bit his lip hard enough to cause it to bleed. Todd sat in the corner, his head turned away facing the window, silent.

Mickey walked Jeannie over to a chair and sat her down. Jeannie was always the strongest out of all of them, but the last year had finally taken its toll; she sat quietly and wept. Mickey kissed her on the top of the head and squeezed her hand.

“I’m going to go make some coffee. When I come back out, I expect to see at least three of us talking, yes?” Mickey rarely got angry, but every once and a while she’d get “her Irish up.”

She walked over and kissed Jerry on the cheek.

“It’ll be okay, I guarantee it,” she said quietly and walked back into the kitchen, but not before slapping Craig softly in the back of the head.

“Talk!”

Mickey came into the living room. It would have been a surprise if Craig had actually begun to talk. He sat by himself on one side of the room. Connie sat next to Jerry, who was holding his head in his hands, weeping. He had tried to get Craig to open up without success. Todd sat on the chair next to the front window just staring out into the front yard. Jeannie stood next to him, her arms folded. Her face was puffy from crying, but her look was anything but sad.

“Mr. High and Mighty doesn’t want to talk.” Jeannie spat out, almost as an epithet. “He thinks he’s better than his brothers.” At one time, Connie might have defended her husband. She looked at Jeannie and smiled a half-smile.

“He doesn’t want to talk because he’s afraid.” She said it almost matter-of-factly…almost without emotion, but she continued.

“He doesn’t want to face what he fears, so he just clams up. Any wife in the room with a spouse just like that…raise your hand. Jeannie’s arm nearly pulled out of her shoulder socket as she threw her hand up quickly.

“This one here…well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt since he’s been opening up lately, but what a struggle, huh girls?” She patted Todd on the head.

Mickey nodded. It had taken her nearly the whole time they were married just to get Jerry to get help.

“She can’t stop talking now, “Mickey said, pointing to Jerry. Realizing she had used the feminine pronoun, she started to correct herself, but stopped in mid sentence.

“Oh shit, I meant…“ As she paused, she looked at Jerry, almost apologetically for the apology she was giving.

“No…hell no…I’m tired of saying what everyone wants to hear.” She looked again at Jerry and continued.

“I married Jerry knowing that he wanted to…what the hell…” She got stuck on the word no one wanted to hear.

“He likes wearing dresses once in a while, so what?” The answer came from the least likely candidate to agree with Mickey. Jeannie was biting her lip, more out of anger than anything else.

“Todd likes to wear dresses….Jerry likes to wear dresses. Who the fuck cares anymore? These are our husbands we’re talking about, not some fucking strangers!” She looked right at Craig at the last sentence.

“Craig…would you please at least look at your brothers…you don’t even have to say anything…for now. Just listen…your brother…b.r.o.t.h.e.r. Jerry…Bronze Star in Iraq…Purple Heart…your brother Todd…kind; considerate, your brothers?.” It was a plea, but an angry one. Jeannie was tired of all the struggles. She married Todd for better or worse, and she couldn’t think of a worse time; a time where he needed her more than ever.

“Todd…Look at me, babe.” Jeannie said as her tone changed from angry to soft and inviting.

“Babe…Don’t worry…I’m not going anywhere…ever…” Tears began to fill her eyes as she walked over and stood next to Todd. She placed her hand on his shoulder and used her other hand to point to Mickey and Connie in a broad gesture.

“Me too,” Mickey said as she sat down next to Jerry and put her arm around him.

“That just leaves one person,” Jeannie said as she looked at Craig.

Craig sat motionless, just staring at the floor. His face was almost hidden, but Connie could see that he had begun to tear up. Connie got up from where she sat next to Jerry and crossed the room. She grabbed Craig’s face and pulled it up gently.

“You have to tell them” she pled.

“Tell us what?” Todd said. Up to then he hadn’t spoken a word. His face was red, and he looked at Craig almost accusingly.

“I can’t,” Craig said. “I just can’t” He tried to put his head down but Connie grabbed it with her other hand and held fast.

“This has to stop now…Either you tell them or I do.” Connie sounded angrier than anyone could ever remember.

“Bbbb…ut…” Craig began to plead.

“Damn it, Craig…Tell them!” Connie practically shouted.

“This oughta be good…” Jeanne said as she walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine.

A…I gotta confession.” Craig said almost sheepishly. Known as the confident brother in the Sinclair family, he seemed anything but confident at that moment.

“What?” Todd asked. He didn’t know what Craig was about to say, but Craig’s reluctance seemed to indicate that it was probably something he should have said a long time ago. And he was right.

“When we were little…Todd was a baby and Jerry was about five.” Craig’s eyes filled with tears. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his face.

“You guys don’t remember Granddaddy.” Just the mention of the name made Jeannie sit up and take notice.

“You were too little to take fishing….” Craig said the word fishing like it was the worst word in the world.

“He took me with him to the lake. We spent all day there.” The tears began to flow as years of shame came to the surface.

“He…he…said he had a special game…that….that…just him….and me….ju..juhhhhst….” Craig broke down. Connie stood next to him and he buried his face in her sweater.

“Sonofafucking bitch!” Jeannie said. Without realizing it, she squeezed her empty wine glass so hard it broke, cutting her hand. She grabbed her hand and wrapped her sleeve around the cut without thinking.

“Spero che egli ᨠin fiamme nell'inferno cosa un fottuto bastardo...” (I hope he burns in hell. What a fucking bastard) she screamed.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph…” Mickey said laughing nervously through her tears…”this family is fucked up.”

“I was afraid…” Craig said after the commotion died down. It had gotten very quiet very fast, and all eyes were looking at him. “That I’d….turn out….just like….Aunt Clare.”

“What? What?” Todd stood up. “She was the best part of the family, Craig. What are you talking about?” He was dressed in his femme garb, but he sounded more like Todd at that point.

“Ju….jussst …llloook.” Craig said, pulling an old photo out of his jacket. The photo was black and white and very worn. “Take a look at tthhhhe picccturrrr.” Craig was sobbing and the tears fell on the photo in his hand. Todd took the photo from Craig.

“Two boys and two girls…so what? This looks like mom and this looks like Uncle Todd and this looks like Aunt Susan, but I don’t recognize the other boy. Where’s Aunt Clare.”

Mickey looked over at Connie who just nodded yes. Mickey said,

“Oh shit!” Which evoked the following from Jeannie,

“Che fottutamente bastardo...”

“Toddy,” Connie said softly, “Look at the back.” Todd turned the photo over. There was an inscription on the back which read,

“The MacDonald Children. Mary Grace, 11, Theodore Paul, 10, Susan May, 8, and Carl Alexander, 7. With love to Daddy.”

“Fottere!” Jeannie cried. “Oh God…” She walked over to Todd, who just stood there shocked. She pulled him into a soft hug and patted him on the back.

“I guess you’re a lot more like Aunt Clare than you thought,” Jeannie said sarcastically and then buried her face in Todd’s shoulder.

Everyone was crying except for Mickey, who just sat there and said quietly,

“I’ll call the sitter and tell her we need a little more time, okay?”

“Who’s the kindest person you ever met?” Mickey asked Craig.

“I guess Aunt Claire?” Craig looked confused.

“And who was the most difficult person you ever had to deal with?” Jeannie asked him.

“No…we’re not going to go there…that’s not fair.” Craig said bitterly.

“But it’s true…you know it. Mommy was so hurt, but she didn’t have to act that way all the time…she didn’t have to treat Todd the way she did.” As soon as Jerry said it, something came to him. Something that might explain her behavior.

“I think I know why Mommy was so upset with Toddy.” Jerry said. “Think about it. When Toddy got caught dressing up, how old was he?” Jerry shook his head, almost hoping that the past wasn’t as twisted as he assumed.

“I was thirteen…almost fourteen.” He bit his lip.

“Uncle Todd was still alive, wasn’t he?” It pained Jerry to name his uncle, as his brother was forever linked to his abuser, not only by what took place, but also that he and his abuser shared the same name.

“Oh…” Mickey said suddenly, almost like she had the correct answer on “Millionaire.”

“She didn’t want him to turn out like her baby brother?” Mickey looked at Jerry for the answer, but Connie spoke.

“Sometimes…in a family like ours…the older victim becomes the victimizer. She looked at Todd and continued.

“Your grandfather wasn’t the only one hurting your Aunt Claire.” Connie and the rest of the family refused to call her Uncle Carl, despite the revelation about her true nature, at least her nature at birth.

“Oh…I see,’ Mickey said, a look of recognition crossing her face.

“She was afraid that Todd would attract attention from his Uncle just like Aunt Claire did?”

“You see why I didn’t…what…” Craig was almost in tears.

Jeannie spoke up, again the unlikely voice as an advocate, but she had read all she could about her husband’s “hobby,” which she had discovered was not a hobby at all.

“Craig, it’s okay, but you have to know a couple of things, okay?” Jeannie’s angry brusque tone had been replaced with a softer, more understanding voice.

“Crossdressers are mostly heterosexual males. Like your brothers here.” She pointed at Jerry and Todd with a broad sweeping motion of her hand.

“And they were likely…nope, in their case they were actually transgendered before anything happened to them…the abuse…” She smiled at Todd and Jerry looked at Mickey, who just beamed.

“You’ll be gay if you’re gay, Craig, not because of anything that happened to you. And your brothers would be gay even if they never wore a dress if that was their nature, do you see?”

“And what would be so bad if you had been gay? What would be so bad if you grew up wanting to wear a dress? I can think of a lot worse things than that.” Connie interrupted as she put her hand on Craig’s shoulder.

“Do you even think I’d find you anything less than who you are if you were like your aunt or your brothers? I love you, honey, and no matter what, you’re still the man I love and the one I chose to marry.”

“This part of Jerry and Todd…no…that stops here as well,” Jeannie said. She walked over to Todd and kissed him on the cheek.

“Jerry and Claire here are expressions of the woman inside the men Mickey and I married. I know it was a struggle for me at first…in some ways, I think it may always be that way with me, I don’t know.”
 

 
“Jerry and I love each other.” Mickey said it, which didn’t sound terribly new or surprising. Until she added, “She brings me great joy, and we love that we have a special relationship that starts and ends with who she is as my best friend and sister.” She looked at Craig and smiled and added, “And we don’t hide her from the kids anymore.”

Craig looked as if he were going to spit out his coffee until she said,

“Okay, I just made that up. But we are going to tell the kids someday soon. Jerry is too important a part of our lives to hide anymore. If she’s valuable and loved by me, then she needs to be loved by her children as well.” Mickey’s eyes began to tear up. Jerry was overcome with emotion and could not talk.

“Just something to think about Craig…Don’t try to take it all in at once. Just remember the most important part of this whole day is that we all love each other and we’re family, okay?” Jeannie said.

“Oltre a Dio, nulla ᨠpiá¹ importante di famiglia, Si mi fratello?

Craig looked at her and said softly, “Family and God? Yes, my sister.”

“There’s a program on tonight on PBS about Transgender and Family, honey, do you want to watch?”
Connie called from the living room.

“No, honey, tonight’s that Jesse Stone movie I wanted to watch.” Craig came into the living room with a bowl of popcorn on a tray with two cans of diet coke. Connie looked disappointed until he added,

“Besides, I got it set on TIVO, okay?” He smiled as he kissed her cheek.”

“Now don’t wait up for me, okay?” Jeannie was standing at the front door. She had recently enrolled in the state university to finish her masters in social work after nearly a decade out of school.

“Okay…I plan on reading a bit and putting some laundry in. Wake me when you get in, okay?” the voice called from the kitchen. A very attractive woman walked into the living room, clad in lilac colored satin pajamas. She smiled at Jeannie who smiled back and said softly,

“Don’t worry about changing before I get home, okay? It’s alright for tonight. See you when I get in, sweetheart.” Jeannie blew a kiss and walked out the door. Claire sat down and picked up her novel,
“Warm in LA,” Faye Kellerman’s newest. Claire was still trying to decide who she most identified with, Pete or Rina Decker. She settled on Rina, but only because she was a good cook.”

“Honey, are you coming to bed?” The voice called from the bedroom.

“I’m not so sure about this.” A voice answered from the bathroom.

“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. Besides, aren’t bunnies supposed to be sexy?” The first voice asked?

“I guess…I really never thought of it before.” The voice called once again from the bathroom. A moment later a very attractive woman came out of the bathroom wearing...a flannel-lined pewter satin nightgown. Her companion sat on the bed, wearing an identical outfit. And on their feet were the cutest bunny slippers you’d ever want to see.

“Hey sexy” Mickey called from the bed. “Why don’t you come over here and find out how we rabbits like to make love?” She giggled.

“You may look like a doe, but I bet you screw like a buck, yes?”

Jerry turned the light out and walked over and climbed into bed.
 

Mickey kissed Jerry passionately, the dark hiding her pleased expression as she said simply,

“Yes!”

Coming Soon: Mickey and Jeri's story!
 
In Her Eyes by Josh Groban
From the Album Awake
Words and Music by Michael Ochs and Andy Selby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaPrej1Tvmc