SO, HERE I AM
by Hilltopper

PROLOGUE

Yes, here I am, 62 years old and waiting in my hospital bed to be prepped for SRS. WOW! I can not believe it is here. It has been a long struggle; a journey with lots of ups and downs. Mary, my spouse, is here with me, dozing in the chair beside me. If someone had told me that I would be at this point even a year ago, I would have laughed at them or maybe cried. But, here it is. I think that I hear the nurse coming.

“Good morning Ms. Harper. Are you ready?”

“Yes, I certainly am.”

“OK. I am going to give you a shot that will relax you. In about 30 minutes, you will be taken to surgery. There, an IV will be started through which the anesthesia will be administered. Next thing that you know, you will wake in recovery. Mary can come in and be with you at that time.”

Well, I do not usually like to get a shot but this is one I really do not mind. As the nurse leaves, I look towards Mary.

“Are you ready” asked Mary.

“Yes. I am thinking back over my life. It has been a long journey.”

“It certainly has been. I did not expect this but I am with you.”

“You know that means everything to me.”

“I really thought that all the craziness was behind us but here we are. It has been a wild ride. I can not believe we survived it.”

I feel like drifting off but I can not help but think back to the beginning............

CHAPTER 1

I was born John Michael Harper. I think things went well for me until my sister was born. I was almost 4 years old. I do not remember any of this but apparently I had been more or less raised as a girl up to that point. When my mother and sister came home from the hospital, they were very sick for several months. During this time, we stayed with my grandmother so that she could care for them. My dad traveled a lot and was not home much. This left me kind of pushed aside. When I turned four, it was decided that I should attend kindergarten. I think this was mainly to get me out of the way. The teacher and owner of this private school was a good friend of my grandmother and the school was only a block away on a side street. Therefore, I walked to and from it. On my second day as I entered the school yard, a cute girl spotted me. She had long blonde curly hair and was wearing yellow sun dress.

“Hi Johnny”

“Hey Betsy. You look real pretty”

“Oh Johnny, I would much rather be wearing your shorts than this stupid dress.”

“I don’t know Betsy, you look nice in it.”

“If you like it so much, why don’t you wear it.”

Well, before we knew it, we had swapped clothes. Now, while gender did not mean much to us since we were only 4 years old, it sure did to the teacher. Oddly, when we walked into the classroom, she did not say a thing. I did not know it at the time, but my grandmother had talked about me to her since I was born. So, she was not surprised to see me in a dress. The nice thing about being just 4 is that the other 4 year olds do not really care what you wore. It did not seem wrong to me. I just enjoyed it. From then on, we would exchange clothes once in a while. Since we went to the school until we were six years old, this was a great number of times. We always changed back before we went home. That is, until the week before my sixth birthday. I had donned a nice blue summer dress. It was wonderful. Our school let out at noon. When it came time to go home, I could not find Betsy. I went over to the teacher.

“Ms. Grant, where is Betsy?”

“She left early today, Johnny. Do not worry about your clothes. Your grandmother will be OK with it. ”

So, I headed toward my grandmother’s house. By this time, my mother and sister were living back at our house. I stayed with my grandmother until my dad got off work. He would pick me up and take us home. My grandmother did not bat an eye when I walked in wearing the dress. My teacher had called her and told her what had happened. We just worked a puzzle and talked the rest of the afternoon. I had some clothes at her house and I was going to change before my dad arrived. Time got away from us. I loved wearing the dress so much that I wanted to stay in it as long as I could. I was picking up the puzzle when my dad suddenly came through the front door. He spotted me right off.

“John! What are you doing in that dress. Boys do not, I repeat, do not wear dresses. Get out of it right now.”

I was devastated. My grandmother tried to smooth things over but to no avail. I cried all the way home. I did not know why it was so wrong. It had felt right to me. My dad said nothing more about it when we got home. I went to my room and collapsed into my bed. It was at that point in my life that I realized that I was really a girl; not a boy. At the same time, I also realized that it was not what my dad wanted.

My dad left on a business trip soon after we arrived home. He was gone all week. I just moped around worrying what he would say when he got back. On the day of my birthday, my dad came home carrying a large box. He handed it to me.

“Happy birthday, Johnny”

“Wow, what is it.”

“Why don’t you open it and see.” said my mother.

I tore open the package. Inside was a beautiful white toy refrigerator. The door handle was just like ours in the kitchen. I was in heaven. I had wanted one like forever but had been told that they were for girls.

“Oh, thank you Daddy.”

“It’s alright son. Just enjoy it. But, please, no more dresses. OK?”

“Yes Dad.”

That moment stayed with me the rest of my life.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 2

I started first grade with some trepidation. All during kindergarten, I had been treated more or less as a girl. Our grade school went from first to sixth grade. That meant there would be a lot of boys much older than me. This could be bad if they perceived me to be less than a boy. I reasoned that I needed to try to be a better boy.

It turned out that Betsy was in my class. We hugged as old friends should.

“I am so glad you are in my class, Betsy.”

“Me too, Johnny. Let’s sit together”

“OK.” Then I whispered to her, “We can’t be swapping clothes anymore.”

She looked a little sad. “I know but it was fun.”

Recess was a new experience. All the kids were out on the playground together. I felt a little lost. I had seen a few of the boys before but I did not really know them. I drifted over toward a tree when I heard my name.

“Hey, Johnny, over here.”

It was Betsy and a few of her friends. I was just excited about not being alone so I went to them.

“Come on, Johnny. We are going over to the clover field.”

“What for?”

“You’ll see.”

I followed them into the field. We all set in a circle in the grass. They started picking clover blossoms and tying them together.

“What are you doing.” I asked

“Silly, we are making clover necklaces. It’s fun.”

It was the first that I had heard of this but I joined in. Next thing I knew, we all had several long chains of clover around our necks. The bell rang and we headed back toward class. As I passed a group of older boys, I heard it.

“Hey, look at the weird boy or is it a girl?”

Then one of them pushed me down and they ran off. I was not hurt, but I realized that I had done exactly what I did not want to do on my first day. That is, appear as a sissy. Of course, I did not know what a sissy was at the time. I just knew that the boys were making fun of me.

“Don’t let them bother you, Johnny.” said Betsy. “We liked you playing with us.”

So, that is the way my first grade went. I either played with the girls and got teased or I was alone and pushed to the side.

One day during spring at the end of first grade, I was walking home when I spotted an empty lot that was overflowing with wild flowers. Having played with the girls picking clover, I had gained a love of flowers. I was overjoyed to see so many different ones in one place. I walked into the lot and just marveled at such beauty. I guess that I had been there for about an hour when I heard some one yelling at me.

“Hey stupid, you can’t play in there. I am a school guard and you are in a lot of trouble.”

I looked up to see a sixth grader coming toward me. I was terrified. I turned about and ran as fast as I could toward home. I could not understand it. All I wanted to do was enjoy the flowers. It seemed that whenever I did, there was a boy yelling at me. It wasn’t as if I was trying to be a girl, I was just being happy. The thing occurred to be: if only girls can like flowers, then I would rather be a girl. But I had sort of promised my dad that I would try to be a boy. I had mostly kept it during first grade. Even though I had played with the girls most of the time, I did not wear any girls clothes.

Two weeks after school let out for the summer that promise came crashing down. My dad took me to his mother’s house some days while he was at work. One day, I was looking around in an upstairs room when I found a beautiful white gown. I was entranced. Should I try it on or keep my promise? I thought, ‘Well, no one will know.’ So, on it went. It felt wonderful. As I was watching myself in a mirror on the closet door, I noticed my grandmother behind me. I turned quickly to her with tears in my eyes.

“Please don’t tell dad. Please?”

She eyed me for a second then said “Johnny, you look good in that. No, I will not tell your father. Do you like wearing it?”

I guess that I turned beet red. She laughed and said “Well, I guess you do. Come on down to the kitchen and we will fix lunch.”

I was in heaven. She let me wear the gown all day. I changed before my dad arrived to pick me up. As we left to go home, my grandmother whispered into my ear, “It’s our secret.” and smiled.
The incident was never mentioned again and never repeated. I do not think that my dad ever knew that I broke my promise, sort of.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

Chapter 3

As I was starting second grade, we were now living in a new house built by my grandfather. He was a building contractor for custom homes. Now, even though our house was technically ‘custom’, it was really just a square box. Since we are in the middle of the 1950’s, it was pretty average. It had a nice fenced back yard that I loved.

I was in the back yard a couple of days after school had started when I saw a girl walking up to our fence from the house behind us.

“Hey kid, come here.”

I walked over to the fence.

“What’s your name?”

“Johnny”

“Well, Johnny, walk around to the front yard and we will play something.”

It turned out that she was 2 years older than me which put her in the 4th grade. We played together several times over the next two week. One day, she came into my yard and said, “I know neat game we can play.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“I will chase you around the neighborhood and, if I catch you, I get to tie you to a pole and dress you as a girl.”

Well, I certainly liked the dressing up idea but I was a little scared of her.

“OK, I guess.”

“Great! You go across the street and when I come around the house, start running.”

So, off we went. It turned out that I was faster than her and, after 30 minutes or so, she had not been able to catch me.

“Hold up. Let’s take a break.”

I stopped and walked up to her.

“Listen, this game will be no fun if I can not catch you once in a while. So, when we start back, trip over something.”

Therefore, when we continued the game, I let her catch me after a few minutes. She led me over to a clothes line pole and tied my hands behind the pole.

“I will be back in a few minutes. Just be a good girl.”

She headed toward her house. A few minutes later, she came back carrying a sack. She pulled out a red skirt.

“Lift your legs, dear.”

She pulled the skirt up onto me. Since I was wearing shorts, it looked for real. She tied a cape around my shoulders and put a flower behind my ear.

“Well, Joan, you look real pretty.”

She teased me a little and then walked off without saying where she was going. After a while, I started to panic. What if she was going to leave me like this? What if some one sees me? After what seemed like forever, she came back, untied me, and said that she had to go home. I was relieved but excited. We played this game several times over the next month. Then, I guess she got tired of me and the game because we never played together any more after that.

It is about this time that I starting having a very intense dream. I dreamed that I had been given a switch. If I threw the switch, I would be a girl. If I pushed it the other way, I would go back to being a boy. I had this dream many times. When awake, I wished that it would come true. Sometimes, there was a meter looking thing. If I came near it, I started changing into a girl. These dreams went on for a long time. I do not remember when they stopped.

During my second and third grades, there were several crazes based on TV show characters. They were Hopalong Cassidy, Gene Autry, and Superman. I played cowboys with the neighborhood gang quite a bit, but my favorite character was Superman. I reasoned that, if I could grow up to be Superman, my dad would be very proud of me. I knew that my girlishness was not something that he was glad about. So, I tried my best to be Superboy. I even flew off the top of our tool shed one day. That did not turn out too well. I was playing superman with my friend Mike one day when he suddenly turned to me.

“You know, Superman has a red cape. Where’s yours?”

I thought a moment.

“Wait here. I will be right back.”

I ran into the house and into my sister’s room. She was three years old at this time and had a pink baby blanket that I thought would work. I grabbed the blanket and a safety pin. Back outside, I pinned the blanket around my neck.

“There! What do you think?”

Mike looked at me a minute. “You know, I think you look more like Supergirl.”

Well, I had never heard of a Supergirl but I liked the idea. So, from then on, I was Supergirl. I still think of myself as Supergirl to this day.

I always walked to school. My dad left early for work when he was even home and my mother did not drive. In those days, if you lived in town, there was no such thing as a school bus. One morning after it had rained all night, I was walking to school on my favorite route when, as I rounded the corner of a house, I found myself waist deep in water. The whole yard was flooded. By the time I could get out, I was soaked and muddy. I knew that, if I went back home, I would be in big trouble. On the clothesline next door, I saw a pair of girl’s shorts and a top. Do I or Don’t I? Well, I could not resist. I hurriedly donned the clothes and finished walking to school. No one said a thing to me about the clothes. It was one of my best days at school.

In the summer between second and third grade, I spent a lot of time with grandmother. There was a large city park just a half a block behind her house. One day, I was playing in the park when Betsy came over with a girl that I did not know.

“Hi, Johnny. This is Mary.”

I shyly said hi and we played together the rest of the afternoon. Mary had pigtails and I think that I pulled them quite often. I did not see her after that day. I only mention this because, 20 years later in a different town, I met her again and married her. Small world, huh.

Third grade was uneventful. I was a pretty good student and had a few friends; mostly younger than me. I don’t remember any particular dressing incidents. I was just being a ‘normal’ kid. Normal, that is, for a girly boy. I just did not have much interest in boy activities.

During the second month of 4th grade, I came home to a very mad mother. She would not tell me what was wrong. When my dad came home, he turned to me and said the dreaded words.

“Son, we are moving to another state.”

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 4

So, here we are moving to a small town in Ohio. None of us seemed to want to make the move. Having grown up in the South, Ohio sounded like a foreign country. The long trip up there did give me a lot of time to think. I would not know anybody but, at the same time, nobody would know me either. That meant that no one would know about my girlish past. This would be the perfect time to prove to my dad that I could be the boy he wanted. I resolved to try my best to ‘boy up’.

When we arrived at our new home, it was exactly that: new. The back yard was a sea of mud and there was nothing much around us. My school was quite a bit away but I still had to walk. On walking to school the first day, I told myself that I was going to be all boy.

That goal got side tracked somewhat at recess. It seems that here all of the boys play softball during recess. I had never played ball before. They asked me to play but, of course, I had to tell them that I did not know how. Well, since I could not play, I was more or less relegated to the girls section of the playground. This had not started like I envisioned.

When I got home, I told my dad that I had to learn to play ball. He taught me the rules and played catch with me when he could. I soon started playing with the boys even though I was the last one picked.

By the time school let out for the summer, I thought that I might be good enough to try out for Little League baseball. I told my dad that I needed a ball glove. He bought me a new one and I headed over to the ball park where tryouts were taking place. I walked up to the coach and told him that would like to try out. He looked at my glove and then at me. I could tell by his expression that he read ‘loser’ on my forehead. What I didn’t know was that a new cheap ball glove is flat as a pancake. One was supposed to limber it up and form a pocket for the ball to fit into. Since I had not done that, there was no way that I could catch a ball. I could usually catch a lot better than I could throw so this pretty much doomed me. Therefore, tryouts were a disaster. When I was told “you throw like a girl” for the second time, I just left. My ‘boying up’ goal was not going well.

I tried to make up to my dad for my tryout blunder by telling him that I wanted to go with him when he played golf. He cut down a five iron to my size and I followed him around the course. He taught me how to hold and swing the club. It was great fun and helped me bond a little with him.

Toward the end of summer, I was invited to spend a weekend on a farm one of my dad’s colleagues owned. He had a son that was a year younger than me. I was not sure about it but I agreed to go. Things went pretty well until dark. There was a patch of ground that was used to raise night crawlers. These are very long worms that are used as bait by fishermen. The worms crawl out of their holes in the dark. One is supposed to shine a light on them, quickly catch them, and put them into a bucket. Well, I tried but I could not bring myself to touch them. They looked like slimy snakes to me. Everyone kept at me, teasing me, and trying to get me to catch one. I could not take it anymore and ran off crying which was not the ‘boy’ thing to do. The incident was more or less forgotten after that and I made it through the rest of the weekend OK. When school started back, I found out that the incident had not been forgotten at all. It seems that the boy had told all of his friends that ‘Joan’ hated worms. That was my nick name for the 5th grade. So much for ‘boying up’.

On the first day of the second semester, I narrowly avoided what would have been a disaster for my boy image. We were taking an achievement test which lasted two hours. No one could leave their seats until the test was over. Toward the end of the test, I had to pee really badly. I was afraid to ask to leave, so I tried to hold it. A few minutes before the test ended, I had to let go. We had quite a bit of snow on the ground outside. As soon as we were given permission to leave, I quickly ran outside and promptly fell into the snow. I hoped that my very wet pants would be seen as being due to having fallen into the snow. It worked! No one seemed the wiser. Whew!

April 1 turned out to be named appropriately. A girl had moved in two lots down from us. I guessed that she was about two years older than me. I don’t know if I had a crush on her or not but I had definitely noticed her. I entered the kitchen on that fateful day when my sister hurried into the room.

“Johnny, there is a girl at the door wanting you.”

“What?”

“That girl next door wants to talk to you.”

“I’m in my pajamas! Tell her I’ll be there in a minute.”

I was really flustered. What could she want with me? Maybe she wants to be friends. Wow! I hurried into my room. I donned jeans and a T-shirt and rushed back out. I tried to get control of myself. Just as I turned the door knob to greet her, Sara said “April fools!” I was shocked and glared at her as I went back to my room. Tears started flowing. I never told anyone how devastated I was by this little joke. I vowed to never make a fool of myself over a girl again.

As I was leaving school at the last week of the semester, I saw my first fist fight. Two high school students were going at it. I was disgusted. I could not believe that anyone would do that. I thought, if that is the way boys act, then I don’t want to be one. I vowed to never get into a fight like that. I kept my vow. I never hit anyone with my fist and have never been hit myself.

During the summer between 5th and 6th grade, a new school was being built behind our house. The ditches and dirt roads were perfect for playing. I spent most of the summer there. One day as I was going over there, my dad told me not to get dirty because we were going someplace later. I rode my bike along the dirt roads and was really flying. Suddenly, I hit a rock in the road and flipped over my handle bars. I was only scraped up a bit but I had torn my pants and was quite dirty. When I arrived home, my dad was madder than I had ever seen him. He took a belt to me. I had never experienced this before. It seemed that the more I acted like a boy, the more trouble it caused. I was very confused and hurt.

The first week of sixth grade, my life seemed to change for the better. Everyone was supposed to write an essay about our favorite thing to do and read it to the class. A boy named Jerry read about a train layout that he had built in his basement. I had always loved trains, so, after class, I asked him about it. He invited me over to his house. We hit it off right away. We spent many hours playing with our trains and army men together. He was my first real boy friend. I really thought that I had turned the corner and was finally becoming the boy I was supposed to be.

During the last week of school as I was walking down the hall, Jerry ran up to me very excited.

“Johnny, we have to do this.”

“Do what.”

“They are passing out forms to apply to junior high sports. We just have to sign up for football together.”

Now Jerry was six inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than me. He was made for football. Me, I was more cheerleader material. But it was not the playing football that bothered me the most, it was going into boy’s locker rooms to dress that I was really afraid of. Now that terrified me. But Jerry was so excited that I could not turn him down. I took the form home. My dad was really happy that I was going out for a sport. So, I guess my dye was set.

During the middle of summer, my father gave me notice that we would be moving again before school started. I had very mixed emotions. I had finally made a good friend but we were now leaving. On the other hand, I would avoid sports and locker rooms. I felt that my ‘boying up’ was a failure.

Jerry and I said our farewells and we were now off to Indiana.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 5

I took the move to Indiana as a sign that I was a failure at being a boy. Of course, I knew that I really wasn’t a boy. But, at the same time, I was not a girl either. That left me a nothing; just an empty shell wandering through time. I certainly felt empty.

When we arrived at our new home I was pleased to find out that I had a very large upstairs bedroom. This allowed me to have all my things together in one place including my model railroad layout which I treasured. I could now stay to myself.

So, I started junior high school with no desire to make friends. I found out that, if I joined the band, I would not have to take P.E. That at least relieved me of my biggest fear: boy’s locker rooms. I thus spent 7th grade either in my bedroom or reading at the public library when I was not in school.

Since I was home alone quite often, I started sneaking into my parent’s room to go through my mother’s clothes. I use the word ‘sneak’ because I felt very guilty about this. I tried some of her clothes on and thought I looked pretty good. I could not bring myself to wear them very long. The guilt was just too much. This left me with a longing to once again be the girl I thought I was when I was young.

We spent the holidays back down south with my grandparents. My grandmother loved flowers just as I did and had her own greenhouse. I spent many hours with her potting plants and marveling at their beauty. She was very patient with me since she knew my real problem. But she also knew that nothing could be done about it. The realization was very sad for us both.

Usually during our visits, my older girl cousin Marla would also stay there. We got along quite well. I do not think she knew about my girlish past. However, we did play a game using a Sears’s catalog that may haven given her pause. Each of us would close our eyes, open the catalog to the clothing pages, and put our finger somewhere on a page. We would then open our eyes to see what we had pointed to. We would then imagine and act like we were wearing those clothes. Needless to say, I always managed to be in the woman’s or girl’s section of the catalog. I know it was a silly game but it gave me lots of comfort at a time in which I was feeling very low about myself.

My image took another hit at Christmas. My grandmother loved Christmas time. All the family would gather at her house. There was always many presents and lots of food. After eating, everyone would sit in the den so that my grandmother could pass out the presents. About half way through the process this time, she gave me the infamous gift. I anxiously tore the wrapping paper off and opened the box. Inside was 3 pairs of boys underwear.

“Oooooh, Panties!” I said.

Everyone immediately started laughing. I was shocked and embarrassed. I ran off crying. My mother came to me a few minutes later.

“It’s OK, Johnny. They didn’t mean to hurt you. I explained the problem”

My mother had always called them panties, so I had too. It certainly was not the boy thing to do I found out. It ruined my Christmas and left me more confused and lonely than ever.

I ended 7th grade with virtually no friends. During the summer, I tried playing baseball with some of the neighborhood kids but my heart was not in it and I was not very good either. I did get to play golf a few times with my dad. The big problem with golf here was that the only course near this town had sand greens. That’s right, the ‘greens’ were a shallow pit filled with sand. After putting out, one had to drag a rug-like device around where you had stepped to smooth the green out for the next players. It was a hassle. I still enjoyed being with my dad though. I did not get enough time with him.

Eighth grade started with me still waiting for puberty to hit. A piece of it did but I did not know it at the time. I was sleeping at my grandmother’s house over Thanksgiving when I awoke to something strong happening down below. I suddenly made a big mess in the bed. It, of course, was a wet dream but I did not know that. I was terrified. I had never heard of this happening and was afraid to tell anyone. I vowed to not let it happen again. The next night, it tried to start again. I awoke and stopped it in it’s track. I felt very relieved. It never happened again, thankfully. This incident probably caused me damage both mentally and physically. I don’t know.

I was in homeroom one morning when I was approached by the teacher.

“Johnny, as you know, our homeroom plays in a basketball league after school. We are short three players for tomorrow’s game. Can you help us out?”

This was one of my worst nightmares but I was no good at saying no.

“OK, but I am not very good.”

“That’s fine. Just do your best.”

When I got home, I told my dad that I was playing in a homeroom basketball game tomorrow. He was excited and we rushed out to get what I needed. The next day after school, I headed to the gym with my gym bag and kit. I entered the locker room and sat down on a bench. The first thing I pulled out of my bag was a strappy looking thing. I turned to the boy next to me.

“What is this thing?”

“Man, don’t let anyone else hear you say that.”

“Well, what is it?”

“A jock strap, dummy.”

He showed me how to put it on. It was the weirdest thing that I had ever worn.

“It’s to protect you below.”

I thanked him and got dressed. I really did not know how lucky I was. If one of the jocks had seen this incident, I would have been in deep trouble. I ended up playing in the final quarter of the game and actually hit two baskets. It was the only school sports game that I ever played in.

I came home from school one spring day to find my mother waiting for me.

“I have great news.”

This usually meant something that I would not like.

“I was talking to Janet Brown today. She is the mother of Susan in your class. Anyway, she told me that Susan wants to go to your school dance really bad but does not have a date. Well, I told her that you did not have a date either. So, we decided that you and Susan will go together.”

I, of course, knew Susan and liked her but I certainly had no intension of going to a dance much less with Susan. I just stared at my mother.

“Look Johnny, you spend all of your time reading in your room. You have to make an effort to get along. You will ask Susan to the dance. Beside, Janet has already told Susan that you want to go with her.”

“OK, but I am not sure about this.”

“Don’t worry. You will have fun.”

I stewed about this all night. The next morning at school, I went up to Susan.

“Ah, would you like to go to the dance with me?”

“Don’t worry, Johnny, I know we were set up. I did not want to go either. So, yes I will go with you.”

“OK. I, ah, am not that good a dancer or anything else for that matter.”

She laughed. “We will make the best of it.”

So, on the next Friday night, I picked her up at her house. Well, my dad was driving. Anyway, we made it to the dance. I know that I am shy and introverted. This did not help me much at the dance. I am sure that everyone thought that I was hopeless. We made it through without really embarrassing incidents. After the dance was over, my dad took us to her house. I told her thanks and she got out of the car. I know that I was supposed to walk her to the door but I could not move. I thought, so much for dating. My dad did not say anything but I knew he was disappointed in me. Par for the course!

At the end of junior high, one part of puberty had found me. I had a huge growth spurt. By the end of summer, I was 6 feet tall and weighed 120 pounds. I looked like a stick. Thus, I entered high school as an awkward, very shy, and lonely teenager.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 6

The Date

As a freshman in high school, I tried to be as invisible as I could. I sat in the back of my classes and did not volunteer for anything. Since I was a straight A student, the teachers pretty much left me alone. The only place this did not work was in band.

I played clarinet in the band. There were a lot of clarinet players and I tried to lose myself toward the end of the bunch. The other band members ignored me for the most part except for one girl. Her name was Linda and she also played the clarinet. Linda would look at me a lot and smile. I was pretty lonely and a smile was very welcome. I wondered if she might really like me and would be my friend. I kind of liked her but was too shy to say any thing to her.

One day as I walked into the front door of our house, my sister came up to me.

“We need to talk.” she said.

Sara is four years younger than me and we did not say much to each other. Therefore, this was a surprise.

“OK. I’ll be in my room.”

A little later, she entered my room.

“My friend Sharon told me today that her older sister Linda has been crying a lot in her room. When she asked her what was wrong, Linda confided that she had a big crush on you but that you seemed to ignore her. Now I know that you like Linda but are too shy to do any thing about it. I told Sharon that I would talk to you.”

Well, I was dumbfounded. Here was someone actually crying because I did not talk to her. I could not believe that I could be liked that much. It really hurt deep inside that I might have caused Linda so much pain.

“I don’t know. I’m not really into dating, you know.”

“Please think about it. You are breaking her heart.”

“I am not doing anything!”

“Please?”

“OK. OK”

“Great.” With that, Sara left my room.

Yeah, I kind of wanted to date Linda but I also kind of wanted to be her. What a mess!
I knew that Linda walked by my house every day on her way home from school. The next day, I saw her going by out my bedroom window. I felt a real ache inside as I watched her walk down the sidewalk but there were not any sexual stirrings. This confused me. Was I attracted to girls? Why did I like Linda? I agonized over this for a couple of days and nights.

Several days after the conversation with my sister, I found myself a little ways behind Linda as we walked home from school. I followed along for a couple of blocks. Suddenly, she stopped and turned towards me.

“Are you going to walk with me or not.”

By this time I had caught up to her.

“Ah, sure, yeah.”

I was about to faint. We walked together for a bit without saying any thing. I thought, ‘I have to say something or run!’

“Ah, would you like to go to a movie or something.”

It would have been easier to run. She looked over at me and smiled.

“Well, it took you long enough. Yes, I would.”

‘Oh, boy. Now what?’ I thought. “How about a movie this Saturday afternoon?”

“Sounds good to me.”

By this time, we had reached my house. “Great! I’ll talk to you tomorrow at school.”

She smiled and I hurried toward my front door. Once inside, I about had a stroke. ‘What am I doing?’ I thought.

Sara came up to me. “I saw you outside with Linda. Are you going to take her out?”

“I guess.”

I then went to my room and collapsed onto my bed. I did not know if I could do this. I could not figure out my feelings. Linda was certainly someone that I wanted to be friends with but I should be very ‘turned on’. The trouble was, I had no sexual feelings toward her or anyone. What was the matter with me?

Saturday arrived and my dad drove me to Linda’s house. I went up to her door and knocked. A few seconds later, she came out. She really looked great!

“Hi! Ah, are you ready to go?”

“Yes, what are we seeing.”

I had thought a lot about this. The movie I had chosen was “Man’s Favorite Sport” with Rock Hudson. I guessed that this was probably a girl’s movie but I really did want to see it.

“How about “Man’s Favorite Sport”?”

“Great”

We got into the car and were driven to the theater. I got us popcorn and drinks, then, we sat toward the back. I guess that we talked a little before the picture started but, frankly, I was in a daze. This was not like the time with Susan. This was a real date!

The movie started and we settled in to watch it. This picture was pretty sexy for it’s time, 1963.
It should have got me going. My brain was telling me that I liked being here with Linda and that I should hold her hand or something. My body, however, was saying nothing. Plus, I was too shy to try anything. So, we just sat there and watched to show. We walked out of the theater after the picture was over. My dad was waiting for us. When we arrived at Linda’s house, I walked her to the front door.

“I had a good time.”

“Me too Johnny.”

But I could see in her eyes that this was not the case. I imagined that she was thinking ‘
Why did I ever cry for this idiot.’ I felt like crying myself, so I quickly said good bye and went back to the car. Linda went into her house without looking back. I sulked all the way home. My dad, kindly, did not say anything. Once home, I went to my room to try to figure things out. I was a total basket case. I was too shy and introverted to do anything. Plus, I had no sexual feelings at all. Something was not right. Even if I was really a girl, I should feel something. Did puberty miss me altogether? Was I stuck being the nothing I felt that I was? Did this mean I could not date? Was I to be alone forever?

I could not answer any of these questions. Fortunately, everyone left me alone that night. I just sobbed quietly in bed and, finally, drifted off to sleep.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 7

High School Daze

On the next day after the date with Linda, I was still feeling miserable. I did not know if I could face her tomorrow at school. I could feel myself withdrawing. Maybe it would be better if I just kept to myself. It was obvious to me that I could not date. There were just no feelings and I was too shy. I wondered if maybe I really was a girl inside; even possibly physically. But I had no feelings for boys either. It looked to me like I would have to remain alone, at least until puberty hit. Which brings up another point, where was puberty? I guessed that I would just have to be patient. Until then, I would concentrate on school work.

I had recently discovered science. My biology teacher had really inspired me. I started reading various science books in the library. Biology, chemistry, and astronomy were especially interesting to me. This passion helped take my mind off my social problems. I talked my dad into getting me a large chemistry set. I spent many hours in our basement doing experiments. I quickly learned that I could run my sister out by burning sulfur. It smelled like rotten eggs.

Linda and I stayed away from each other. I often wondered what she thought of me. I figured that I was better off not knowing. I went back to not talking to anybody. At the end of my freshman year, Linda moved away. I had very mixed emotions. She was the only girl I had any thoughts of but looking at her was very painful. It reminded me of how inadequate I was socially. The strange thing was that people seemed to like me. I just could not bring myself to interact. I lie awake in bed at night listening to WLS radio and pondered. The songs comforted me as long as I did not listen to the words. If I did that, I became very depressed.

By this time, I could not fit into any clothes of my mother or sister. They were both under 5 feet tall and I was 6 feet. The one exception came during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. My sister had started taking ballet lessons. She did not have a very big closet and I had an extra one. Therefore, she kept all of her ballet clothes in that closet. Even tough I was much taller than her, I was very skinny. Her tutu would stretch to fit me. I tried it on several times until one fateful day. My sister had gone out with my parents, so I wore it all afternoon. I dreamed of really being a girl and taking ballet. It was heaven. I, of course, had changed before Sara got home. When she did, she came up the steps and looked into my room at me.

“So, did you enjoy wearing my tutu?”

“What!?”

She pointed at my shirt. I looked down. The tutu had sequins all over it and some had come off onto my shirt. I did not know any thing to say. Sara just smiled and went into her room. I wondered what else she knew. I never wore the ballet clothes any more and Sara never again mentioned the incident.

During the first week of my sophomore year, all of us had to take an IQ test in homeroom. About two weeks later, the results were given out by our counselor. My homeroom teacher, however, told the whole class that someone had scored and IQ of 137 which was exceptional. Fortunately, he did not give out the student’s name. This was not something a boy at this time wanted to be known for. Some people looked at me, but I just looked around like I was wondering who it might be. It was, of course, me that had scored 137. Even though I was very proud of it, I could not let it be known. That would start teasing I did not need. I do not think anyone found out for sure who it was.

I mostly just studied and read during my sophomore year. I did not date or go out anywhere. A couple of times, I was talked into going to parties. I positioned myself against a wall, waited a bit, and then sneaked out without talking to anyone. I had no real friends and was very much alone. By the end of the school year, puberty still had not happened. I was as skinny and awkward as ever and had no sexual stirrings at all. My voice had deepened a little so maybe something was happening. I had not grown any since 8th grade.

I had turned 16 before summer, so it was time to get a drivers license. I took a summer class in driver’s education at high school. We used a push-button Dodge. In the center of the steering wheel were buttons that one pushed to put the car into gear. It was a strange vehicle to use for student driving. Maybe they got a good deal on it or something. Who knows! After finishing the class, I took my driving test. In Indiana, the testing was done by civilians instead of state trooper as it is in most states. I drove around two blocks and pulled over to the curb. The man said ‘you pass’ and that was all there was to it. Wow!

My junior year started with a new band director. He decided to test each band member. Since I was near the last chair in the clarinet section, I did not pay much attention. When my turn came, I played everything he gave well and had good tone. He was very surprised and said that he wanted to give me lessons twice a week after school. I was not sure whether to be pleased or not. I really was only in band to get out of P.E. After several lessons, he moved me to 4th chair and started teaching me to play the saxophone. He had this idea of staring a small dance band to play around the community. I had to join the musician’s union in order to play in the band. The group was called ‘The Variations’. It was the most fun that I had enjoyed so far in high school. After we had played through the winter, the director told us that as a reward, we were to be taken to the 1964 New York Worlds Fair. I was ecstatic. This was a dream come true. I rushed home to tell my parents only to be blind sided again. My dad told me that we were moving back down south in April, therefore, I could not go. I was devastated. This could not be happening again. Did my parents not care about me? Didn’t they know how much this means to me? I went to my room and just cried. It seemed that every time something good happened to me, fate would strike me down again.

We packed up and moved out, heading back south. My parents told me that something might be worked out for me to go on the band trip. The director had agreed to me accompanying them to New York. But I knew deep down that it would not come to pass. I was, of course, right. Anyway, I did not mind the move too much; it was the band that I would miss. I never thought that I would ever say that. My new school was behind where I was academically. I was placed into two senior classes, physics and chemistry. This did not go down too well. It looked like I would be labeled a brain again. Thankfully, there was only one month left until summer recess.

When school let out, I got a big surprise. There was a nice golf course down the road from our new house and my dad had bought a family season pass. This meant that I could play as much golf as I wanted all summer. I did just that. I was on the course everyday. I even met two boys that were a year behind me in school, Ted and Larry. We hit it off pretty well and played a lot together. It did the job of keeping my mind off my real problem at least for a short while.

The senior year in high school is supposed to be the time that you are a king (or queen). This was not the case for me. I did not know any body in my class and kept mostly to myself. I did not date and did not go to prom or any other event. I was 6 feet tall and weighed 125 pounds. I had no beard, no body hair, no Adam’s apple, and very little muscle. I still looked like a smooth stick. I knew something wasn’t right about me besides my feeling of being a girl. My body seemed to think the same thing.

I was taking advanced biology this year since I was in the college prep level. The teacher had received a national biology achievement test that she wanted everyone to take. She said that she would take it as well. So, all of us took the test. The next week, she announced a big surprise. She did not get the highest score. Someone had scored considerably higher than she had. That someone was me. She, of course, told the whole class. I about fell out of my chair. Gees!

I found out that the student that had the highest grade point average would be valedictorian at graduation. The one with the second highest would be salutatorian. Both would be required to give speeches at the graduation ceremony. Since I had the highest average, I knew that I was in trouble. I did the only thing I could think of. I threw the grade in English. That’s right; I purposely got a B so that my rank dropped to third place. I know this sounds pretty stupid but I did it none the less. I graduated and accepted my diploma, glad to be rid of high school.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 8

College Years

The town we were living in had a nice college, therefore, I had to go to it because of finances. I would live at home while going to classes. My dad had wanted to be a medical doctor but was forced to drop out of college when my sister was born. It seemed like a good idea for me to try to do what he could not, so, I decided to be pre-med in college, majoring in biology and minoring in chemistry. I was accepted into the college and would start in September.

During the summer before college started, my dad got me a job in pipeline maintenance at the company he worked for. I mainly walked the pipeline painting posts and pipes along the right-of-way. After work, I usually played golf. A couple of times, I went with Larry cruising around the college. The girls would lie out in the sun in their bathing suits and Larry seemed to think it was great fun driving through the campus girl watching. It did nothing for me and, after the second time, I begged off.

When the semester started, I threw myself into the studies. I would go to class and come immediately home afterwards. I had no social life at all. I still had no sexual feelings or interest in dating. By this time, I did now have some body hair especially on my legs and was shaving once a week. Loneliness was starting to take its toll, Even though I was living at home, I felt very isolated. The nights were bad. I longed to be a girl by now but had no opportunity to be one. The year dragged on and finally ended with me again working in pipeline maintenance during the summer.

At the end of summer, there was a bright spot. I bought my first car; an Austin-Healey roadster. It was British racing green and was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen. Through my sophomore and junior years of college, it was about my only pleasure. I let my hair grow and enjoyed driving down the highway with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair. If it were not for that car and golf, I would not have made it. Golf allowed me to take out my frustrations and the Austin-Healey soothed my soul.

At the end of summer before my senior year in college, my parents moved again. This left me without any lodging for the up coming year. I obtained a dorm room in a private high rise. I had never lived away from home before much less with a room mate. I was a little freaked out. A large desk-bookshelf combination separated the room. My half was next to the window and his was near the door. This allowed him to come and go without seeing me. I just kept to myself.

One night, noises coming from his bed woke me up. I listened for a minute then realized that he had a girl in bed with him. I was embarrassed and a little horrified. Even though I was 21 years old, I had never been with a girl nor witnessed anyone having sex. Heck, I had not even ever masturbated. I guess that I should have been turned on by this display, but I was just disgusted. Turning towards the wall with a pillow over my head, I eventually dozed off. Upon awakening, the girl was gone and so was he. I lie there thinking. This was certainly a normal occurrence during college for most boys. Yet, it horrified me. This confirmed the fact that I was hopeless. It started a period of deep depression.

Larry turned 21 during my senior year. He wanted me to go with him to a night club to celebrate. I had never drunk any alcoholic beverages in my life but I agreed to go with him. The club was very noisy and smoky. We both ordered screw drivers. Frankly, it tasted awful. We stayed about an hour and then I convinced him to leave. I guess this was a normal thing to do in college but it was just not my scene.

In order to have something to do, I started playing tennis. I was not strong but I was very quick. This allowed me to get to balls that most players could not reach. I developed a stroke that caused a drop shot. The ball would just clear the net and, when it hit the asphalt, the ball almost stopped dead. Needless to say, this was not popular with the guys I was playing against. There was no way that they could get to the ball and still stay far enough back for normal returns. I was told that this was a ‘girly thing to do’ and, soon, no one would play me if I used it. This did not seem fair to me. Sure, I really thought of myself as a female tennis player, but I sure could not tell them that. So, I quit playing. It seemed that whenever I found something I liked to do, I did not do it manly enough to suit anyone. Thoughts of suicide started to become more frequent.

There was a small drug store on the first floor of my dormitory. While browsing through the paper back books one day, I spotted a book on transsexualism. I came back several times before I got the courage to buy it. Since I was extremely naíve, this book was a real eye opener. I could not believe some of the things I read. There were lots of people like me and some had even changed sex physically. Not knowing this may sound strange today but this was the 1960’s. I read the book several times but I was very guilty about having it. One day, I threw it away. This brought on another bout of depression. I now knew what could be but was not to be for me. I knew that there were other people going through what I felt. This gave me both comfort and angst. I could not be myself and it did not look like there was any possibility in the future.

One night, I was awakened by the fire alarm going off. I got up and opened my door. The hallway was filled with smoke. I thought ‘What the heck. Let it happen’. I closed my door and went back to bed hoping that I would not wake up. But, I did. The fire was only trash cans burning in a stair well. The realization of what I had done shook me to the core. There was no way that I could keep going to college to become a doctor. Therefore, I did a really stupid thing.
I joined the navy.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

What was I thinking?

CHAPTER 9

A recruiter for the U. S. Naval Aviation program was on campus one day. I had always wanted to learn to fly, so I talked to him. He made it sound like a really good deal. It required lots of testing and very few applicants were accepted. I was very down at this time and made a rash decision. I signed up. It wasn’t as if I had a low draft number. No, mine was in the 300’s. This meant that there was no chance of getting drafted after college. Of course, I had second thoughts after I returned to my dorm room. Technically, I had enlisted in the Naval Reserve on the condition of being accepted after testing. I now had mixed feelings as to whether I wanted to pass all of the testing the recruiter mentioned.

One month later, I received orders to report to Millington Naval Air Station in Tennessee for testing. Naturally, I passed. The only condition was that I had to get all the crevices in my teeth filled. Apparently, they could crack at high altitude causing me to black out from pain. My dentist followed the navy’s chart and filled the points indicated. After a few weeks, I was told to report for the swearing in ceremony. I was sworn in and was now a NAVROC.

I continued my college education graduating with a BS degree majoring in Biology. I think that my dad was proud that I did get my degree even though the dream of me becoming a doctor had been dashed. I had been supposed to report to the navy right after graduation but a couple of weeks before the graduation ceremony, I received orders delaying my report date until September. I was not told why but I assumed it was because the Vietnam War was starting to wind down. I spent the summer with my parents. My dad got me the pipeline maintenance job again. This time I was with a different group. I felt very out of place but I could not say no. My parents now lived in a fairly large city and I did not know anyone. I looked around the city some, but mostly stayed at home when not working.

About midway through the summer, a strange thing happened. I had got in the habit of lying on my stomach on the bed dreaming of being a girl. I guess that I was moving around a little because it felt good. My penis became semi-hard and suddenly ejaculated. It caught me totally by surprise. I had never masturbated before and did not even know it could be done like this. The act was certainly pleasurable but it made me feel guilty and a little dirty. I never told anyone and did not do it again.

The first week in September, I bade my parents good bye and flew to Pensacola. I spent the night in a hotel and a bus took me and several other cadets to the naval base. I was feeling good and excited as I exited the bus. What happened next came as a complete surprise. I had to be the most naíve and ignorant 22 year old on the planet. I actually thought this would be kind of like college. Boy was I wrong! A senior officer candidate immediately started yelling at me, telling me to stand at attention and ‘wipe that smile off your face’. It disappeared quickly. I was in total shock. I know it seems impossible to believe, but I had no idea it would be like this. The rest of the day, either a senior officer candidate or a Marine drill sergeant were yelling at me and the other candidates constantly. We had our hair shaved off, our possessions confiscated, and we were issued a poopy suit along with other clothes and grooming aids. The poopy suit was basically a coverall that we had to wear during the first two weeks here. The next two days were spent at NAMI for medical testing and shots. The rest of the two initiation period was spent running the sea course, exercising, and getting generally mentally pounded. I was constantly in close proximity to lots of guys and I was getting more and more anxious. The worst part was in the shower and bathroom area. I knew that I could not endure this for long. I was determined to make it through this two week period. I knew that I had to make a decision before ten weeks were up. At that time, I would be commissioned an ensign and would be required to stay in the navy for 6 years. Until that time, I could wash out or DOR.

At the end of the initiation period, we were marched double time to our new quarters carrying all of our possessions and issued new uniforms and textbooks. There were four of us in the room. I, for some reason, was made room captain. That night, we had a surprise inspection. They, of course, found something very wrong with each person’s area. They were especially angry that each of us had at least one GNH. Each person was told to give them 50 squat thrusts. Since I was the room captain and, therefore, responsible for the whole room, I was given my punishment as well as the other room mate’s punishments. So, here I was in the hall attempting 200 squat thrusts. When I reached around 125, I heard someone say ‘we better stop him before he has a heart attack’. Lying in bed that night, I tried my best not to cry but I don’t think that I succeeded. I thought hard about everything. I did not think that I could make it much longer. This was supposed to be hard but it was nothing like I though it would be. I should have known better. What an idiot I was. As terrified as I had been around boys in school especially in locker rooms, this was a nightmare. Finally, I dropped into a fitful sleep.

The next morning after dressing, I went straight to the senior cadet’s room and told him that wanted to DOR. I just could not go on. I knew it was a wimpy thing to do but, at the moment, it was the only thing I could do. When one DOR’s, you are immediately separated from the rest of the group. They do not want you to contaminate anyone else. After a bit, I was escorted out of the area. I was now listed as a seaman and billeted with other seamen that were in the process of discharge. Of course, I was still wearing an officer’s uniform. It takes about a week to go through the DOR process. It was the most humiliating experience that I have ever endured. During the week, I had to go to many offices to sign papers and answer questions. I was constantly taunted and ridiculed. I guess that they were trying to get a rise out of me in order to issue a punishment. They might have just thought I was a piece of shit. I certainly felt like one. I was asked over and over what made me want to DOR and why did I feel that way. I could not tell them the real reason therefore I just said ‘I don’t know’. Finally, I was given my honorable discharge and flown home. I can not describe the shame and guilt that I felt during the flight. I have never fully recovered from my 3 weeks in the navy.

CHAPTER 10

When I returned home from the navy, I was very down. I did not want to talk to anybody. My parents acted as if nothing important had happened, but I knew it had. My confidence in myself was almost gone. Since I would be living with my parents until I figured out what to do, I had to try to be all man. This was hard because I felt like I left him in Pensacola. I guess I just moped around for a month or so. My mother finally told me to send out some resumes after all I had a BS degree in biology. I sent out a bunch but all I received back were the usual ‘We have nothing at this time’. One day I went to the federal building to see what might be listed for government jobs. There was a notice that the ATF was hiring. The only requirement was a BS degree in anything except Theology. So, on a whim, I applied. After testing and several interviews, believe it or not, I was hired.

In 1971, if you made $1000 per month, you were really flush. I would be making more than that so, for the first time in my life, I would have plenty of money. The first order of business was to buy a car since I had sold mine when I went into the navy. I looked around a little but did not find anything that I liked. One day, I was passing by the MG dealer when I saw it. In the window was a beautiful new MGB. Well, I bought it. The MGB did not have the classy looks of my old Austin-Healey but it was sure fun to drive. Tooling down the road in it lifted my spirits.

I was flown to Washington, D.C. for training and stayed a motel next to the pentagon. I spent 6 weeks in U.S. Treasury Law Enforcement School and 4 weeks in ATF Investigator School. I had never even held a gun before so that was my first problem to overcome. There is a firing range in the basement of the U.S. Treasury building. That is where I learned to shoot. Oddly, I took to it really fast. It was while I was in training in Washington that the May Day riots occurred. We were transported into the city by bus. Troops lined the bridges to keep them open. People were throwing trash cans in front of our bus and the air was so filled with tear gas it was all you could do to keep from crying. It was an amazing sight. I finished the training program and was told that I would be stationed in a field office in West Virginia. I flew home, packed all my possessions (they all fit into my MGB which tells you something), and headed toward my post.

As I was driving into West Virginia, I heard for the first time the song ‘Take me Home Country Roads’ by John Denver. It sure seemed appropriate. My new post turned out to be a small office with just two agents, one of which was on extended leave. I guess I was his temporary replacement. My partner, Chuck, was a former head-thumping policeman from South Bend, Indiana and was extremely macho. Just what I need; not! He was very friendly and helpful to me, however, and soon had me squared away. I found a one bedroom townhouse that I rented. It was the first time in my life that I had a place to myself.

This got me thinking. I could live and dress any way I wanted. There was some mail at the apartment left for the previous tenet I guess. In it was a Sears catalog. This got me thinking even further. Could I actually buy my own women’s clothes? The thought was both exciting and scary at the same time. I spent some time looking through the catalog and picked out some things. The problem was that I would have to pick up the order at the store catalog desk. This sent a few chills up my spine but I sent in the order. I bought some cosmetics and panty hose at a drug store. I hoped that I did not look too guilty. I found a costume shop that sold wigs and bought a long, cheap blond one. When my Sears order arrived, I picked it up with out any one commenting or looking at me funny. Whew!

That night, I put on a black A-line skirt, pink blouse, and 2” black heels. I was scared to death at first but felt wonderful at the same time. There was no sexual feeling at all just a sense of being at peace with myself. I put socks into the bra I had purchased. I was not too good with the make-up but I was not going any where so no one would see me anyway. With the wig in place, I thought that I looked OK. I spent the evening dressed. Since this was the first time that I had ever fully dressed as a woman, it was a mind blowing experience. I realized that this was the real me. At bed time, I discovered that I had not bought anything to wear to bed and nothing to take off the make-up. After much scrubbing, all traces seemed to be removed including some skin. This was going to take some learning and more purchases. I could not bring myself to go to a store to buy any women’s clothes, so I once again resorted to the Sears catalog. I saw this beautiful white sun dress with pink flowers on it and fell in love. I bought it, several night gowns, some skirts and blouses, and more underwear. I now spent most evenings dressed female.

I did have to be away several days at a time on investigations with Chuck. Even though we had separate motel rooms, I could not take any female clothes. I did my best to live up to his macho image of things but it was not sitting well with me. About mid-summer, Chuck asked me for a favor. His niece was coming to visit and he wondered if I could take her to a movie or something. She was about my age. I really did not know what to say. I guess he just assumed that I had agreed because, the next Friday, he told me she had arrived and looked forward to me picking her up the next evening. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not been on a date since Linda. I even thought briefly about going as female. At least then we would just be two girl friends going to the movie together. But that would cause more problems than I had already. I picked her up the next day and we went to the drive-in theater. The movie playing was “Willard”. Once again as with the date with Linda, I just sat there watching the show which was a terrible movie by the way. Here I am now 23 years old and I still can not date a girl without freezing up. When the show was over, I took her home, walked her to the door, thanked her, and left. I am sure Chuck got an ear full about me but he never said anything to me about the date. You would think that by now I would have some attraction to and sexual feelings for women, but it did not seem to be the case. Oh, well!

I continued to dress female most of the time when at home the rest of the summer. I never got the courage to leave my apartment dressed. I think that I would have passed OK but I just could not make myself do it. At the beginning of September, I was informed that I would be transferred to another posting the next month. The most likely place was Detroit and the assignment would involve some under cover work. This did not appeal to me at all. I had been thinking about things and had realized that this was just not the career for me. I submitted my resignation. My bosses tried to talk me out of it but I knew what I had to do. I decided that the best thing was to back to college and continue my quest to get into medical school. Sadly, this would mean that I would have to give up my female time for a while. I gave away most of my women’s things, moved out of my apartment, and headed back south.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 11

Sexual Awakening?

I returned home in time to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents and sister. I was not too down and was looking forward to going back to college. I had no trouble getting readmitted and started back in mid January. I stayed in the same private dorm again. It did bring back some not too pleasant memories. Plus, I could not wear any women’s clothes. I got a job working in a convenience store and played a lot of golf.

My sister graduated from nursing school in May. She decided to work at the local hospital. We talked things over and agreed to rent a house together for a year. We moved into the house in June. I had my own room and bath. This allowed me much more freedom in dressing. Since my sister was a new nurse, she spent a lot of time at the hospital. I was not taking any classes that summer, so I was home alone quite a bit. Sara was a few inches shorter than me but we had about the same build. I have to admit that her closet of clothes was a temptation that I could not deny. I had a few women’s clothes left and, with the addition of Sara’s, I stayed dressed female most evenings that she worked. I still could not get up the courage to leave the house. By now, I had hairy legs and a very angular face. I did not think I could pass very easily without a lot of help which I did not have.

I had told the college that I planned to apply to medical school. Just before classes were to start in the fall, I was informed that a new hospital that had opened had formed an agreement with the college to help pre-med students. The students would take a short clinical clerk class and then would be hired by the hospital. This sounded good to me so I signed up. After completing the course, I was hired as an outpatient technician. I sat at the front desk in the outpatient area in case anyone came in. Since hardly anyone came during night shift which I worked, I mostly just read and did school work. It was a great job.

I took the MEDCAT test and applied to two medical schools. I did real well on the test. I toured the schools and interviewed. I would have to wait until spring to see if I would be accepted. I continued working at the hospital and took a couple of classes. At the start of spring, I received the letters; two rejections. I had mixed emotions. Part of me was disappointed but another part knew I would not make it in medical school.

I finished the semester and then quit the hospital. I tried working at a factory but only lasted two weeks. I took a job as weekend manager at a small motel. My sister moved to an apartment and we gave up the house. Since I was staying three days a week at the motel, I rented a room in a rooming house. This pretty much ended my cross dressing. I did keep a bra that I wore in my room at times. It kind of soothed me. I started taking flying lessons to have something to do besides playing golf. I felt an amazing calm while up in the air.

A person I was playing golf with one day told me that medical schools liked students that went to graduate school. So, I applied and took the Graduate Record Exam. I was accepted and decided to take two classes the first semester. I also hired back onto the hospital, this time as a clinical clerk on a regular floor. I also kept my motel job.

I had been at the hospital about three weeks when two new graduate nurses, Carol and Karen, started on the floor I worked. We were working the night shift so had a lot of time to talk. We got on real well. Carol found out that I was a weekend manager at a motel.

“John, would you mind if Karen and I come over to your motel some time to swim?”

“Sure, that would be OK.”

“Great, how about this Saturday?”

”OK, just let me know what time.”

Around 1 PM on Saturday, Carol called to say they would arrive at 2:00. When they came into the lobby, I went over to them.

“Hi. I’ll show you the pool. I turned to the desk clerk, “I will be at the pool if you need me.” He looked up and smiled a knowing smile. I led them to some chairs by the pool. They took off their cover-ups and sat down at the edge of the pool, dangling their legs in the water. This was the first time that I had even been close to girls wearing just bathing suits. It was causing a strong feeling in me. I think that I was actually starting to feel an attraction to them. Karen was looking especially great to me. I knew I had to leave before I made a fool of myself.

“You all enjoy swimming. I have some work to do. I’ll come back later.”

With that, I made a rapid exit. I went to my room and sat down hard. For the first time, I was feeling almost horny. This really shocked me. Was I attracted sexually to Karen and Carol? I waited about an hour and then went back to the pool. They were getting ready to leave.

“Thanks for letting us use the pool. It was great.” said Carol.

I kind of stuttered a “your welcome” and they left. When I went to work at the hospital on Monday, Carol came up to me.

“I really enjoyed using your pool Saturday.”

“My pleasure.”

“Would you like to come over to our apartment for supper tomorrow?”

This was the first time a girl had invited me anywhere. I realized I had no reason to say no.

“OK, I would like that.”

“Wonderful. See you at six.”

I kind of worked the rest of the night shift in a daze. When I went home, I could not go to sleep I knew this wasn’t a date since both girls would be there. I guessed they were just thanking me for letting them swim. I finally went to sleep and woke up a little before five. I arrived at the girl’s apartment right at 6 o’clock. When I knocked on the door, Carol opened it. I walked in and noticed soft music was playing.

“I’m glad you could come.”

“Hey, no problem. Where’s Karen?”

“Oh, she had to go to work today.”

“Well, we can do this some other time.”

“No, no! I’ve got every thing arranged.”

It was then that I saw a blanket spread on the floor with some candles lit beside it. I thought, ‘Oh man, this is a date’.

”Just lie down on the blanket and I will bring us some finger food.”

So, we ate and talked some. She kept getting closer. I was not really sure what to do. She suddenly leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I guess I must have looked shocked after all it was my first kiss.

“You look a little pale.”

“I’m OK. I just ate a little too fast is all.”

Just then, the phone rang. I thought, ‘saved by ma bell’. When she came back into the room, she had a down cast look.

“I have been called in to work.”

“Oh gee, I’m sorry. Do you want me to drive you?”

“Would you?”

“Sure.”

“OK, give me about 15 minutes.”

I drove her to work in my MGB with the top down. She seemed happy in spite of going to work. When we arrived at the hospital, I turned to her.

“Thank you for the meal. You know I really like both you and Karen.”

She got a strange look on her face and exited the car without saying anything. Of course, without knowing it, I had said a relation ending statement. I thought lot about the evening when I got home. I liked both Carol and Karen but I think that I really liked Karen more. The kiss had caught me off guard but it was pleasant. I even felt some stirring below. Maybe, just maybe, I might be finally getting somewhere sexually. I mean, after all, I am 25 years old.

I did not see either Karen or Carol over the next month. I was now working on a different floor than they were. I could feel my depression returning. I was playing golf with one of the other biology graduate students one day when he suddenly looked at me a little angry.

“How come I have to go to seminar each Friday and you don’t.”

“What?”

“Each graduate student is required to attend a seminar held each Friday and have to give one of them. I have not seen you there yet.”

I had never heard this before. I just shrugged him off. Later, I got to thinking, ‘I am screwing up again.’ It was my depression talking more than anything but it made me lower than ever. So, I stopped going to class. Of course, this meant two F’s and no chance to reapply to medical school. I threw myself into my flying lessons and avoided everyone over the winter. My depression was almost smothering me. In December, I was flying a solo cross country when I got stuck in a town about 60 miles away due to weather. It was after sunset before the snow let up. I was not qualified to fly at night and it would be pretty dark by the time I arrived back at my airport. I decided ‘What the heck. It really doesn’t matter whether I make it or not. No great loss’. So, I took off. My instructor was standing on his head when I arrived at the airport. I landed with no problem but it was a stupid thing to do and he told me so. At the beginning of March, my instructor signed out for me to take the flight test. The tester was nice and I guess I did everything right because, when we landed, he said, “Congratulations. You are now a private pilot.” That was the only bright spot I had experienced for a while. I felt good for a short time, but it did not last long. The next week, I was flying alone and thinking about how messed up my life was. I had seen a flyer on the Peace Corp. I decided that the best thing for me to do was disappear and joining the Peace Corp would do just that.

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 12

Best laid plans!

When I arrive back at my room, I filled out the application to join the Peace Corp. It looked like it would take about two months to process. Well, I was not going any where.

Since I did not have a shower, I would go over to Sara’s apartment to bathe. I tried to go when she was at work. This allowed me a little time to be me. I had taken my shower and was drying off when I saw a pack of pills in the trash. It turned out to be 3 packets of birth control pills. Oh, boy! This was a surprise. I took them with me and went back to my room. I knew that 3 months of pills would not do anything much but it was a temptation I just could not resist. So, I took one. I know it was illogical but just the taking of the pill made me feel feminine. I decided that I would take them until they ran out. This would at least keep me calm until I left for the Peace Corp.

Arriving at work that night, I got a surprise. I had been transferred back to the floor that Carol and Karen worked on. I was a little afraid that there would be some tension but both of them welcomed me back with big smiles. We talked off and on through the week. I think that I was getting some feelings for Karen. I agonized over this for several days. I thought that maybe she might go for a plane ride with me. I had been checked out in a Piper Cherokee which was a real nice plane. Finally on Friday, I got up the courage to ask her.

“Hey Karen, I am going to rent a plane for an hour tomorrow. Would you like to go up?”

“Well, I am a little scared to fly. Let me think about it. I will let you know before we leave.”

“OK, sure. It is a real safe plane and has 4 seats.”

About two hours later, she got back to me.

“John, I will go with you flying if my friend Mary can come too.”

“Yes, that would be fine. Be there a little before five.”

Well, this was not what I had in mind but maybe it would be best having someone with her. I would be scared to death as it is. So, we went flying. It turned out that Mary was a new working a different floor. I had seen her at hospital but had gotten the feeling she did not like me. They both said they enjoyed the flight and would like to do it again. I thought, maybe next time, Karen can go alone with me. A few days later, I went up to Karen at work.

“You want to go flying this Friday?”

“Let me check and I’ll get back to you.”

“OK, just let me know.”

A little while later she came over to me.

“Mary and I would love to go again.”

“Great! How about five again?”

“Sure, that would be fine.”

Early Friday afternoon, my phone rang.

“John, I have to work today but Mary is going with you. OK?”

“OK, sure, that’s fine.”

“See you later. Bye.”

This was just not working out right. The whole purpose of this is to get Karen to like me. Oh well!

I took Mary flying and she seemed thrilled. After we landed, she rode with me in my MGB to a park. She was very easy to talk to and, before I knew it, I had told her my life story. Well, except for the big secret that is. She was divorced and it turned out that she was the Mary that was Betsy’s friend whose pigtails I had pulled in the park when we were kids. Wow! Small world. I told her that I was trying to date Karen and she said that she would be glad to help.

“I will arrange for you to come to Karen’s apartment so that she and I can have a dinner for you to thank you for the plane rides. When you arrive, I will give an excuse and leave. Thus, Karen and you will be alone together.”

“But, what about Carol?”

“Don’t worry. She has a new boy friend and is gone for the weekend.”

“OK, that sounds like a plan.”

I took her back to the hospital and headed home. This plan might actually work. There was just one problem that I had just noticed. I think I am having feelings for Mary as well. The fact that she was the girl I had played with years ago intrigued me. Things were getting complicated. I knew just the thing to soothe me. I went to Sara’s. Being there reminded me that I had started on the second pack of birth control pills. Of course, nothing had happened. I found a plaid skirt and a black blouse in her closet and quickly donned them. I was afraid to use any of her under wear so this had to do. I sat around for a while thinking. I was really confused.

The next day, I went to Karen’s apartment as planned. When I got there, Karen had her uniform on.

“Hey, John.”

“What’s going on?”

“I have to go to work. Dinner is ready. You and Mary will have to eat it.”

“But……”

“Look, I am sorry. I really enjoyed the plane ride but I want us to just be friends. Anyway, I have to go. Bye Mary.”

“Bye. I’ll take good care of him.”

I think I smelled a plot in here some where. It seemed the plan had been reversed.

“Sorry about that, John. I ended up telling her the plan and she then told me that she had a new boy friend. She did not want to complicate things by having dinner with you.”

“I feel like such a fool.”

“Don’t be that way. Come on, let’s eat.”

So, we ate. Since it was a warm night, I invited her to go for a drive in my MGB with the top down. We drove around for a while and then pulled into the same park as last time. We were talking and then, the next thing I knew, we were kissing. I thought ‘Wow, this can not be happening.’ I took her home and kissed her goodbye.

“You are a great kisser.”

“I am?”

“See you tomorrow at work.”

“OK, bye.”

This night had certainly turned upside down. I start out to woo Karen and end up with Mary. Gees! And I thought I was confused before. As for the kisses, how could I be a good kisser? The only kiss I ever had was with Carol and she kissed me. There was no doubt in my mind that I now had tremendous feelings for Mary. I guess I had better go to sleep before my head explodes!

The next Monday, I had to go into the hospital to have my wisdom teeth cut out. I woke up with my mouth frozen almost shut. Turns out, a clamp had slipped. What next! That afternoon, I woke up as Mary entered my room.

“How you feeling?”

“I can’t open my mouth.”

“Well, I’ve got something here that will help.”

She handed me a strawberry milk shake.

“You are a life saver.”

It did taste wonderful. She left after about 30 minutes. I have to admit that I really was glad she came to see me. I was released the next morning and went back to work that night. My mouth was still frozen almost shut. The doctor said it would take a couple of days to loosen up. At supper time, I got a big surprise.

“John”

I looked up to see Karen and Mary approaching.

“We have your supper all fixed”, said Mary.

They pulled a whopper out of a sack along with a milkshake. They cut the whopper up with a scalpel and fed it to me small pieces at a time. The pieces barely fit between my teeth. It was nice to finally have great friends especially Mary.

Two weeks later, my parents came down to visit Sara and me. I brought Mary to Sara’s apartment to meet them. My dad took to Mary immediately. I drove my dad’s car to Grant’s Plaza to get something. As we were leaving, I got really turned on. Mary suggested that we go to my room. This was the first time that I had felt this way. By the time we got to my room, I was actually hurting. We started to have sex but I needed to pee. When we got back to it, I could not do anything. I felt sure that Mary thought I was hopeless. I sure believed that I was. I took Mary home and went back to Sara’s.

A short time later, my parents left for home and Sara went to work. I took a shower and noticed something strange. Behind each nipple were small hard lumps. I was scared that those pills had caused this. I was about half way through the third packet. I decided to throw them away and hope nothing bad was wrong.

Later that week, Mary rented a nice apartment. I started staying at her place a lot. We even tried sex again and it worked, sort of. I was still pretty much a dud. One day, Mary looked at me hard.

“We are spending a lot of time together. I really do like you. I think you should give up your room and move in here.”

“That would be great. Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

So, I did. Of course, now I had access to a whole wardrobe of women’s clothes. I was like a kid locked in a candy store. My orders to report to Atlanta for the Peace Corp came through. The trouble was, now I did not want to leave. I figured the best thing to do was ignore it for now. Over the next couple of weeks, Mary and I became closer and closer. We even talked about maybe getting married. We both had a vacation coming, so we decided to spend a week in the Smokey Mountains. On the trip up to the mountains, I had a lot of time to think. I did not believe at this point that Mary knew about my secret. It wasn’t just that I was wearing her clothes when she was not home; I knew that deep down I was a woman. There was no way we could get married with a secret like that hanging in the air. I had to tell her even if it meant her leaving me. We arrived at our motel and settled in.

“Mary, there is something I need to tell you.”

So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 13

Mary sat on the edge of the bed looking at me intently.

“You sound real serious.”

“Well, I just want us to not have any secrets. When we were talking about my past a while back, I left out some things that are important to who I am.”

“OK, tell me.”

“When I was born, there apparently was some confusion concerning my gender. I do not know what was done. No one will talk about it. Anyway, I was finally listed as male. The funny thing is, I was a girl in a lot of ways growing up. I played with the girls and even swapped clothes with them. We moved to Ohio when I was 9 years old. From then on, I tried to be a boy. I was not very good at it. Puberty just would not happen. I did not date in high school or college. There were just no sexual feelings and I was extremely shy. On top of that, I still felt like a girl a lot of the time. You are the first person that I have had sex with. Yeah, I was a virgin. When I moved in with you, I could not resist wearing your clothes. There is nothing sexual about it. I just feel soothed somehow. I have never gone out in public dressed as a girl. Even though I feel like a girl inside, I want to be a man for you because I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

“Wow, that is a lot to think about. Thank you for being honest with me.”

Mary sat there for several minutes just looking out the window. Suddenly, she stood up.

“I need to take a walk and think things over.”

With that, she went out the door. Well, I had to tell her. It was probably stupid of me. I could have just stopped dressing, stopped thinking I am really a woman, and just live normal. She would have never known. But, deep down, I knew it would not have worked. Sooner or later, the need would surface or drive me crazy. The trouble was, what now? Will she come back and, if she does, what will she think of me. This was not some thing a woman looking for a husband could tolerate. It was just not normal. There was something about Mary that gave me hope. This was the first woman that I had been able to talk to. She seemed to be interested in everything I said. Why, I don’t know. What did she see in me? I did not think much of me. Everything I did turned out wrong. When ever I tried to be the man every one thought I should be, the woman in me surfaced. It would take a miracle for Mary and I to make it together. Even if she accepted what I told her, how could she still love me? I was not the man she though I was. This was probably clear to her now. All I can do is wait until she comes back and see what happens.

After about an hour, the motel door opened and Mary entered carrying a bag. I looked on anxiously.

“Well, John, I guess I have worried you. I just needed to think out what I wanted to say to you.”

Upon seeing my concerned face, she smiled.

“It’s OK. I am not leaving. I, too, have a confession to make. When I was growing up, there were only boys in my neighborhood. So, I grew up pretty much thinking I was a boy. Just as puberty was upon me, a girl moved in next door. For several years, we had a lesbian relationship. Her father was transferred when we were 16. I was devastated by her leaving. A boy in my class befriended me and, before long, we were in a relationship. We married at 17 and had several good years. Then, he started drinking and abusing me. I finally kicked him out and swore off men. I went to nursing school and, after graduating, started working at the hospital. I really did not think much of you until that day in the park. There was definitely something different about you. Your intelligence, kindness, and soft nature entranced me. I did not think I could fall for another man but I fell for you. Now, I know why. You are the best of both worlds and I want you to know that I love you very much,”

Of course, by now I was crying uncontrollably. Mary held me in her arms until I calmed down.

“I have a present for you.”

She picked up the bag and handed it to me. Inside was a beautiful and sexy pink nightgown.

“Please put it on. I will not laugh. I want you to wear it tonight.”

I was stunned. This could not be happening. Did she really and truly want me to wear it? Embarrassed, I took it into the bathroom. I removed my clothes and slipped it over my head. It felt wonderful sliding down my body. I glance in the mirror. Well, I probably looked ridiculous but I sure felt happy. I came out of the bathroom and walked up to Mary. To her credit, she did not say a word. She simply led me to the bed. We climbed in and cuddled together, crying. After a time, we drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, Mary was gone. I thought for a second that I had been dreaming. The pink gown I was wearing dispelled that idea. Just then, the door opened and Mary walked in carrying breakfast.

“I thought you might be hungry after last night. The motel has a free breakfast bar.”

“It looks great.”

“You do to.”

So, we ate and cleaned up. We had decided previously to hike the Alum Cave Trail today. It still seemed like a good idea. About half way up the trail which is a steep climb, we found an overlook. We sat down on a rock and starred out over the vista.

“You know, Mary, telling you my secret was the hardest thing I have ever done.”

“I can imagine. Look, we both like the fact that you are different. So, let’s just go with it and see where it leads.”

“OK, as long as we are together.”

“Don’t worry about that. I feel we are soul mates and we were drawn together by fate.”

We sat thinking for a while. The weather was much colder this high up, so we decided to go back down and head back to the motel. We had dinner and went to our room. The room had a jetted tub and we took full advantage of it. After drying off, I donned the pink nightgown again.

“Wow, that is really sexy. You are turning me on.”

“Well, there’s the bed!”

Needless to say, we had a wonderful night. The next morning, we started packing to leave for home. As we were getting ready to head out, I held Mary gently by the shoulders and looked into her beautiful brown eyes.

“Mary, will you marry me?”

EPILOGUE

Well, we got married. We spent two wonderful years with me living mostly as a woman. It was a dream come true. But, like all dreams, it had to come to an end. Mary became pregnant. Therefore, I had to man up, again. We spent the next 32 years living the so called normal life. Of course, I could not keep it buried completely. Two years ago my body started changing on its own. Doctors could not explain it. After struggling with it for over a year, we decided it was time to make a choice. Our kids were grown and we were reaching retirement. Since I had always considered myself to be a woman inside, the choice was simple. Mary had a hard time with it since she thought all of this was behind us. She knew, however, that my body had already become mostly female and there was really no going back. Together, we went to a psychologist, an endocrinologist, and our GP. They all recommended me for SRS. So, here I am. No one can predict how things will be post-op. We have been through so much in our life that we are very optimistic that we have made the right choice. Only time will tell but that is another story.

{Author's note: I want to thank everyone that has read my life story. It was hard to write but I am glad that I did. I hope that I can continue the story down the road.}